The Stealthvape 2017 Horrorscope

It’s not unusual for us to return to the office after the Xmas holiday to discover empty cases of champagne, three vol-au-vents in the photocopier and an inbox full of demands. Ignoring the three people who forgot everybody wasn’t at work, all of the other emails wanted to know what we thought about their year ahead.

It’s understandable. When you are known as the leading vape market solution provider, vapers inevitably want help sorting out their personal lives too. We found that by plugging our customer database into the Oscillation Overthruster, and popping them both into the Tesla Pack, we obtained a comprehensive breakdown of 2017 for each astrological sign.

Some of you may wish to take advantage of the individual readings available via email. We believe our rates are exceptionally competitive when put up against other vape supply company prognostication services.

Aries

As an Aries, you are probably the most attractive and intelligent of all vapers. If there is one thing the Stealthvape Horrorscope is certain of, and it is exceptionally certain, 2017 is going to be absolutely awesome. The first part of the year appears to be showered in respect, which goes on to become love and wealth by autumn. Don’t change anything; you’re perfect as you are.

Taurus

You see those 18650s over there? Those ones that have a lifespan of seven button presses on the mod but you don’t want to throw away? Err, recycle. Get them out of the house. The Stealthvape Horrorscope says that an early June BBQ will end in tears if you forget to buy strawberries for the Pimms.

Gemini

Unfortunately you will spend a fair amount of time in casualty. It’s not your fault; you just seem to have one of those faces. The only thing you can do in an attempt to overcome this is do all your shopping online – and answer the door in a ski mask. To be frank, we’re amazed you have managed so well up till 2017. Your lucky stone is the one coming through your lounge window that misses you.

Cancer

In 2017, the power of the Stealthvape Horrorscope compels you to spend all you have on box mods. All that stuff your family thinks is important, but you don’t like – eBay the lot of it for more box mods. They may think you’re crazy now, but just wait to see the look on their faces in November when they see the method to your madness.

Leo

Don’t be frightened now, no matter how scary stuff seems, it’s just going to get worse. Separating fact from fiction was never easy for you, but this year is really going to turn the dial to elephant. Even words might cat as though lifting nonsense Ω≈≈Ωß.

Virgo

The challenge of using just one coil and wick for the whole year might seem a daunting task but it’s one you are amply endowed to achieve. There aren’t many people who can go to Vapefest and leave with the exact amount of money they arrived with. Ignore those who laugh at you, even though the cacophonous noise they make is deafening.

Libra

Is it that time already? Great things go really quickly when you’re having fun. Like Einstein pointed out while leaching over a young woman. This year will simply fly by. Recovering from a coma is like that.

Scorpio

No. Put it down. Walk out the door, lock it, dispose of the key and catch a bus to somewhere far, far away. Welcome to your new like making artisan eliquid in the Hebrides. Yes, it’s going to be a bit squashed with you all there – but it’s better than what was about…no, we can’t, it’s just too horrific to describe.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians need to open a vape store in Bristol - either a store each or one big shop between you. This is going to be something you have to sort out amongst yourselves. Everything will be brilliant if you get it correct, regrettably not if you get the wrong solution. Not everything is set in stone, the future is like sand: Sometimes you pick up a handful and it was disguising a coiled brown dog present.

Capricorn

Make-up, wigs, and plastic surgery figure heavily in your 2017 stars. You will develop a passionate attachment to vapes with a hint of mango. All of this adds up to an exciting December as you avoid arrest by relocating to a tropical country.

Aquarius

Oh dear, did you have to say that? OK, you haven’t said it yet – but it’s inevitable. It’s written, see. Unlike stuff that happens for Sagittarians, your future is a concrete cast of a future shoe print. Best you get used to vaping alone.

Pisces

Pisces tend to hold down repetitive and boring roles in life, which means they know better than most what will happen tomorrow. This is an advantage if you work in telesales, as a traffic warden or in customer service: phone in sick for the year. Although “It’s in my stars” isn’t accepted as a medical certificate by most companies it may be worth asking your human resources department.

*Stealthvape accepts no responsibility for loss, injury or death resulting from the Stealthvape Horrorscope.