Do I LOVE him or do I HATE him?

One minute he's Mr Perfect, the next, you can't stand the sight of him

A few years ago I was embroiled in a long, frustrating and ultimately painful game of commitment tango with a tall, dark and handsome doctor.

After several drunken snogs, we settled into a bizarre dance - tip-toeing around an intensely palpable, but undeclared chemistry. When he advanced, I retreated, and vice versa.

One moment, I would feel overwhelming infatuation for him; the next, I'd find an insurmountable flaw.

Love isn't perfect: Experts believe one of the most confusing aspects of relationships is the contradictory feelings they evoke

This ridiculous pattern continued for more than three years until he, clearly having had enough of this tricky and illogical game, met someone else and married her within six months.

I was heartbroken. 'He was The One,' I sobbed to my ever-patient friends. It was only when this man was no longer available that any trace of doubt evaporated and my feelings of undying love suddenly became crystal clear and all-consuming.

All flaws were forgotten and he was transformed, in my screwed-up mind, into a God-like creature, a Mr Perfect.

Embarrassingly, I spent the next three years or so pining for him, fantasising that his marriage wouldn't last and that we would, eventually, enjoy a wonderful, conflict-free life together.

I made it impossible for myself to have any hope of forming another relationship because I was so preoccupied with the 'man of my dreams'.

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I was reminded of all this when a friend, who is due to get married in October, drunkenly confessed she was having major reservations about her husband-to-be.

'When we met, it was like a gust of wind that swept me off my feet,' she said. 'But at the moment, I can't stand the sight of him. everything he does irritates me - the way he tucks his shirt into his jeans, the fact that he clips his nails. I can hardly bear to be in the same room.'

She wondered if this meant she didn't love him any more and should call off the wedding.

In the past, I'd have interpreted these feelings as red flags and would probably have advised her to run a mile.

But
these days, I'm not so sure. Extreme and contradictory feelings, I have
come to realise, seem to be a difficult but unavoidable aspect of
intimate relationships.

Psychologists call this
'ambivalence' or - for reasons that will become clear - the Hamlet
syndrome. They say most people don't fully understand what it is, but
argue that an ability to manage it is essential for a happy and
contented life.

So what exactly is ambivalence? We often
use it to describe mixed feelings or even indifference. But what it
really means is the co-existence of strong contradictory impulses and
emotions, such as love and hate, or kindness and hostility, towards the
same person.

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Some experts say many women first consciously experience ambivalence when they have a baby. They talk privately about having a deep and all-consuming love for their child, but at the same time there can be fleeting (or not so fleeting) feelings of anger and helplessness towards that baby when it howls for hours. In the book Being In Love, psychotherapist Judith Pickering says one of the most confusing aspects of intimate relationships is the contradictory feelings they evoke.

'We are not good at reconciling the fact that we might feel a range of conflicting sentiments - overwhelming infatuation followed by irritation, boredom, resentment, jealousy, possessiveness - all for the one person, in varying degrees at varying times.

'We can feel desire towards our partner one day, and repugnance or indifference the next.'

An inability to tolerate these confusing feelings can, she believes, lead people to behave in ways that are not in their best long-term self-interest. Other experts go even further. Neil Rosenthal, a marriage and family therapist, believes that ambivalence is the most pervasive reason why relationships don't get off the ground or why they get sabotaged even though they appear to have promise. It is also, he believes, why relationships that start off with so much closeness and passion gradually grow stale, distant and cold.

'Ambivalence is about receiving a double message (usually in actions rather than words) - I want you more than anything, but I have a lot of other priorities as well, so don't expect a lot from me.'

Or: 'I want our relationship to be as intimate as possible, but I'm not going to allow myself to get too close, just in case things don't work out between us.'

This apparently bewildering behaviour would certainly help explain the frustration another friend is experiencing.

A couple of months ago, she met the man of her dreams. he told her she was gorgeous, clever, interesting and sexy. On their third date, he spoke about whisking her off to new York. Then he disappeared, refusing to return her calls.

Ambivalence: We are not good at reconciling the fact that we might feel a range of conflicting sentiments for the one person

He got back in touch a couple of weeks later, apologised and told her she was amazing. But then, another few weeks later, he bolted again.

This has happened four times. She knows, through a mutual friend who knows him well, that he isn't married or hiding a secret double life.

Though puzzling and frustrating for my friend, psychologists would say his behaviour is understandable and could be explained, at least partly, by an ambivalence of which he was probably not even aware.

'It is similar to Hamlet in his famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy,' says Rosenthal.

'You act indecisively, half-heartedly and are non-committal, thereby dampening or sabotaging the relationship you claim to value so much.'

Being unable to deal with ambivalence can result in people being stuck in a swamp of indecision or 'acting out' to get rid of the negative feelings by, for instance, having an affair. Or it can result in people drifting through life. They may say they're 'just going with the flow', but what they are really doing is letting other people make their big life decisions for them because they can't face their own contradictory feelings.

At the same time, when we are unable to tolerate strong conflicting emotions, we tend to put them on a pedestal and see them as completely flawless - or can hardly bear to pass the time of day.

'Like children, many of us still tend to see the world as black and white, good or bad, right or wrong, joyful or depressed'

Like children, many of us still tend to see the world as black and white, good or bad, right or wrong, joyful or depressed. We create heroes and villains. Which means we are not particularly good at living with the anxiety, ambivalence and ambiguity of life in the middle, in the vast grey area.

Looking back, I see this as a feature of so many of my experiences. I had a tendency to bolt at the first sign of negative feelings.

I remember in my early 30s being with a man I fell head-over-heels in love with. Once the initial passion had worn off, I oscillated between loving and hating him.

I didn't realise that this was normal. I simply couldn't handle the opposing feelings (though I didn't realise that at the time; I just thought I didn't really love him) and eventually called it off.

When I think about what I was like in my 20s and early 30s, I had wildly conflicting fears I couldn't seem to reconcile. There was part of me that wanted desperately to settle down and have children, but there was another part of me that was terrified of giving up my independence and of being trapped in a relationship with someone I wasn't truly, madly, deeply in love with.

If only I'd known then that this was actually quite normal - that no one feels truly, madly, deeply in love all the time - I probably wouldn't have ended up messing up so many relationships.

It's not just in the romantic sphere in which ambivalence is a factor. For years, I blindly idealised my mum. At the same time, I denigrated my dad. I thought he wasn't good enough for her, didn't appreciate her enough or realise how lucky he was.

It was only recently that I realised how infantile this was and how complicated intimate and long-term relationships are. I now try to treat them equally.

Similarly, I found myself sabotaging a couple of close friendships over the years. Again, I think it was because I couldn't handle the confusing, conflicting feelings that are a by-product of all but the most superficial relationship.

So why are some of us - psychologists would say most of us, whether we realise it or not - ambivalent in our closest relationships?

Rosenthal suggests several reasons: 'Because we are afraid. We fear being exposed. We don't want to be rejected.

'We're afraid of making the same mistakes we've made in the past.

'We fear allowing ourselves to become too vulnerable. We don't want to risk being dumped. We fear being known.

'We're afraid of being tied down. We're afraid that anyone who gets to know us too well won't want us any more. And that's just a partial list!'

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with the existence of ambivalence. We are expected to love our partners, children and friends completely and constantly - truly, madly, deeply.

This may work in fairytales, but in real life, relationships are simply never that straightforward.

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One minute he's Mr Perfect, the next, you can't stand the sight of him: Do I LOVE him or do I HATE him?