Before I even post a picture I’d like for you all to take a moment an appreciate that I’ve probably put myself on some kind of government list of people to watch just because I searched for them on google and then downloaded them. I felt dirty doing it. I feel like the police are going to kick my door in any minute and arrest me on the grounds of being a freak of nature. Please understand that I put myself at this risk so I could share my nightmares with all of you. If you’re not familiar with Toddlers in Tiaras then you undoubtedly think I’m joking so far. I’m not. I only wish I was joking. The television program is about mothers who felt ugly their entire life (or look at pictures of themselves before they got disgusting) and tell themselves that, since their child is an extension of themselves, if their child wins a beauty contest then it’s quite obvious that the mother herself is beautiful and deserves a trophy and the attention of a bunch of pedophiles. The result is poor children whose futures are already damned before they even got a chance to drop out of school and get pregnant at fifteen. I think I’m finally ready. I think I can finally show you the face of true evil. Here we go:

Apologies, Satan! I swear I won’t do it again! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Who was the first person who thought, “My four year old is kinda cute, but I think she’d look way better as a whore? I can just see her growing up outside hotels and casinos in Las Vegas. Only the best for my baby!”? When people ask “what’s wrong with the world?” the answer is invariably “Toddlers in Tiaras”. How do parents like this get to keep their children? That’s the one that’s got me. I want to work in protective children’s services when I grow up because apparently you don’t even have to try. Single men are not allowed to adopt little kids because they’re afraid of what these men might do to the children. Now, I’m not comparing molesting to dressing your child up like a prostitute, but I don’t think we’re talking about a different ball park here. You can’t tell me someone could go through either of those things without being scarred for life.

What.. the…

The scariest part is one of the women on the show is a principle at a grade school. That’s right, folks, other parents trust her to raise their own kids properly when she obviously has a mental disorder. If I had a child who went to her school I think I would take her out of said school and leave her in the woods with a family of wolves, that she might enjoy a loftier education. Maybe I’m not being clear enough on what the message they convey to their children in this show is. The message is, “Do whatever it takes to make other people like you and you’re a winner!” Who the fuck tells their kids to just do whatever it takes to be accepted? What is the rate of these girls turning into trailer park queens like their mothers? We don’t know yet, but mark my words, when the reality show about what happens to them comes out in ten years, you’ll be thinking back to your old buddy Benny and his brilliant predictions. You haven’t seen enough, though, have you? Don’t worry, there are more toddlers in tiaras than there are rings in hell.

Doesn’t she look happy? Like a well adjusted child should?

One of the worst things about this show is the male judge (for some reason in any of the episodes I’ve seen there are two female and one male judge) who is not in a relationship, doesn’t have a kid and is ranking very under aged girls on a scale that I don’t even want to try to comprehend. What things work for him? What are his turn offs? How the fuck hasn’t his computer been dismantled and inspected until the terrible pictures come up (approximately two seconds)? Who saw this going on and though, “I should put this on TV,” instead of, “I can get enough gasoline to burn this travesty to the ground”? So very many questions.

I’m not even 100% sure that’s a real girl. It reminds me of a doll from a Stephen King story

Happily I can say that this is the last picture in this gallery of what the fuck. I can now delete them and then bleach my harddrive and never look for them ever again. After that I will shower at full heat so I can melt away the top layer of my skin, as it feels tainted. One of the things you rarely see is the fathers of these poor children. When you do see them it’s pretty obvious they’re more than a couple of plane crashes short of an airshow. If it was the fathers who were all eager to dress their daughters up like women of the night you have to wonder if children’s services might get involved then. You have to wonder, though, because there’s no way you can tell what the fuck those people are doing. The big question on everyone’s mind, though, is what kind of a temptress is responsible for the majority of this insanity? Obviously a woman who is so secure in her own appearance that she wants others to enjoy the same fame and popularity that she enjoys. Obviously someone like this:

I know what you’re thinking, guys, but she makes up for it by being a total bitch

I give you Abby Lee Miller, God’s answer to the question, “What is a woman?” Does she make up for her gruff exterior by being pleasant? Of course she doesn’t. She also punishes girls for the things their idiotic mothers say, adding further to the confusion. She is not afraid to stand up to a pushy mother and tell her who’s really running this under-aged whore show. The mothers get pretty pushy, too. All of their daughters obviously deserve to be the main event. They’re spending thousands of dollars on these contests. That’s correct! There are no prizes but trophies and crushed dreams at these pageants, and the parents are footing the bill the entire way. Maybe this is why they’re allowed to keep their children? Because they have so much money they can afford to piss it away on a contest for nothing? If you want your daughter to feel beautiful then why don’t you just tell her that she is? Why make her seek the attention of a bunch of fuckarows? The pictures are deleted and I’m about to hop in that pre-mentioned scalding hot shower. I hope you appreciate the things I do for you, readerland.