This little SC story is part fiction, part fact. Like many of you, I face Christmas each year with the sad heart of Christmas memories past. Each year I say, “Oh how I miss Christmas when my children were small,” and each year I allow the sadness to creep into what should be a holiday of joy and celebration. I wallow in the emotions for awhile and then pack them carefully away for the following year...like a hated, yet beloved, hair shirt of self torture.

This year I tried very hard to throw all those emotions out along with the piles of discarded wrapping paper.

I suspect those ‘perfect’ Christmases of my memory were not nearly as perfect as I now paint them to be.

I want to start new traditions for Christmas 2012. New things to focus on, new ideas, new ways of allowing myself to rejoice in what is happening in my life RIGHT now. I want to allow myself to feel the excitement and magic of the current moment.

The present is the present...the true gift of my life even though it is so often filled with change and loss and many things beyond my control.

The thing I can control, though, is how I deal with my life each day...and how I deal with Christmases to come.

I can control my choices each day...choose sorrow or choose joy...to look toward the light and find potentials and possibilities or to allow myself to embrace victimhood and wallow in 'ohpoorpoorme' illness.

It is time for a change. For many changes.

I don't know what they all are yet...but I am going along for the ride...I am going to close my eyes and give myself wholly to 2012...unencumbered with the weight of past perceptions and times...unafraid of the 'what if's'.

As a small part of expressing those feelings, here then is my last SC for 2011.

I give it to you in the spirit of hope...and adventure...

I'm looking forward to a 2012 filled with creative endeavors and explorations.

And I hope we continue to share the community of words as the year unfolds.

Hugs and blessings,Jenny Matlock

Piles of paper, wasted on the floorThe vacant eyes, and the ‘gimme more’s’.I must oh I must oh I must step away……before I’ve lost all the meaning of a true Christmas Day.I wander the streets and I look in each window……ghostlike, I see much less happy than sorrow…I must oh I must oh I must turn away……I’m looking and looking and there’s no Christmas Day.I feel all the sadness, the loss and the grief……the mourning of past times is more than a thief…I must oh I must oh I must look ahead…I fear if I don’t my true Christmas is dead…I look in my heart and my soul for a sign……that the Christmas I loved will once more be mine…And I listened and listened and listened so well…and finally my message rang clear as a bell…I can’t look for Christmas in past Christmas days……I can’t look for Christmas in the MEMORY of joys…I opened my heart and my soul for a glimpse…and I finally remembered just what Christmas is…I listened and listened and finally rejoiced…When I heard an angel voice…through the chaos and the noise.

This post is linked to Week 86 of Saturday Centus. To read other offerings, just click here.

Friday, December 30, 2011

...to tell you that I've been taking care of Grandlittles with strep for about a week now and I think it might have kinda/sorta grabbed me.

YIKES!

So I'm feeling icky but I don't want to break my post a day streak so...

I'm bringing you a re-run.

Yes, yes I am.

And I don't feel a bit ashamed...

...cuz this post, sadly, is still totally and completely true.

And even though I'm feeling a bit road-killed here, I still have just enough energy to wish a Happy New Year!

...

...

...I'm thinkin' this is pretty much how it would go...

Not that I know for sure...

...but let's just say for instance...

That person...whoever he or she might be would...

Go to take the ornaments off the tree and one would roll under the couch...

And then it would be icky under the couch so they would have to get a broom and dustpan from the garage...

(ps. This is a googled picture of 'dust bunnies'! The underneath of my couch looks NOTHING like this! I think!)

And that part of the garage would be kind of messy so they would take a moment to tidy it up and while they were tidying they would see a bag with a bunch of little kid stuff that they had taken out of the car and forgotten to put away...

So they would have to sort that out and go to put all the little kids books and art supplies away...

And in the process they would see that the rest of the kids books were all messed up...

And in the midst of the books they would find some coloring books which are obviously not supposed to be there...

So they would take the coloring books to the art supply stuff where they would not only find the new stuff they just left there from the garage but also a mess in the old stuff which would require tidying up and they would also find several pairs of little girls socks that would need to go to the laundry room...

Where there would be a load of laundry reading to go into the washer and another load ready to be hung out to dry...

And after they hung out the clothes...

... they might realize that they were getting tired so they would go make themselves a cup of tea and then go lay on the couch with it to watch a re-run of Iron Chef...

And then their significant other would come out to the living room and say "gee, I thought you were taking down the tree."

Hmmm....

I'm just saying that technically something like this could happen to someone who may, or may not, have ADD.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Winter Break continues this week, but next Thursday, January 5, we will resume regular Alphabe-Thursday with the letter "G".

I am very behind on my visits, but I will be working to get caught up over the next week or so!

If you have questions, or need linked during this time, please e-mail me at jennymatlock at cox dot net and put 'Alphabe-Thursday HELP!' in the subject line.

Now...

Good morning and Happy Holidays, class. Welcome to round four of Alphabe-Thursday!

Today we will be writing anything to do with the coming New Year! Recipes, stories, poems, pictures, resolutions, words to dedicate the New Year to. Please feel free to be as creative as you wish.

Please link directly to your Alphabe-Thursday URL (if you don't know how to do this let me know!) and please continue to visit the five links before and after your link and leave a comment. Minimum of 10 links visited please. You can visit more if you like, of course.

If you have any difficulties with your link, please make sure to include the number of the link when you e-mail me. It is really difficult for me to find you easily otherwise.

If you have any questions about Alphabe-Thursday or problems doing your link just post it in a comment or send me an e-mail. I'll do my best to help you as quickly as I can.

The McLinkey will be live from 1:00 pm MST time Wednesday afternoon in an effort to assist our lovely "friends across the pond" and continue through 10:00 am MST time Friday morning!

And remember.... link back to this post, you need to be registered as a follower of my blog, PG posts only, and visit at least 10 other students (perhaps the 5 students before and after your post). The links will stay live after the final post deadline has passed so you can even wait and visit over the weekend or whenever you have more time.

Please share your New Years post now! And please accept Mr. Jenny's and my wishes for a peaceful and lovely close to 2011 and a wonderful beginning for 2012!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Maybe like becoming a volunteer for a medically induced coma experiment or something.

Monday I spent almost the entire day on the couch pretending that I was actually in that coma experiment thing. I watched Hoarders all day. Sad to say, I didn't feel fulfilled or enriched from the experience.

I was, however, able to say continuously to Mr. Jenny, "See!!!!???? SEEEEEE!!!! You think I have too much stuff? Seriously?" That part of the day was slightly more rewarding for me.

giggle

Today, I needed to rouse myself from my stupor to babysit the Grandlittles at their house.

We crafted, looked at Christmas presents, hugged and kissed, roller skated, ate and hugged and kissed some more.

At the end of the day I asked our little Mo if she had gotten enough hugs and kisses.

She tipped her head and looked at me.

"No Grandma! I still need more!"

So I squished her and squashed her and made her giggle.

And then when I was leaving, she ran up to me.

"Grandma, I forgot to ask. Did YOU get enough hugs and kisses from me?"

Monday, December 26, 2011

This morning we were laying in bed talking about Christmas and the highs and lows of the day and wondering if there were any maple cinnamon rolls left when Mr. Jenny informed me, "You must have been really, really tired out last night...you were really snoring when I came to bed!"

I was aghast at his exageration.

"Me?" I questioned imperiously. "You ought to talk! You are like the world's loudest snorer!"

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Our oldest Granddaughter, Julia, was two and a half and her sister, Riley, was just a little over one.

I had gone to babysit as I did three times each week.

The little girls were sick. Their cheeks were glowing and glorious. I remember how pretty they were…red hair damp and curly from their slight fevers.

In the process of sick children, our daughter-in-law had not had time to finish decorating the tree. It sat in the corner bedraggled and sad awaiting finery that had not yet appeared.

I had warmed the bathroom up and put the girls in a lukewarm tub to play. They were quite occupied with bath crayons. Julia was happily scribbling away while Riley attempted to eat the spongey red and blue discs.

Suddenly, mid-scribble, Julia stopped and got very serious, “Gwamma, this is my sad face.” I asked her immediately, “Why do you have a sad face?” and she replied with great sincerety, “No staw, Gwamma.”

I didn’t understand her, so I asked her again. “No staw, Gwamma,” she repeated, blue eyes big and solemn.

“No straw, Julia? You want a straw?” She patiently repeated it to me, slowly, like I was a very dumb adult, “No staw on twee, Gwamma,” then she held up the yellow and blue bath crayons and pantomimed drawing in the air. “Mine color a staw for twee, Gwamma,” she said. She had a little trouble with her pronouns back then.

I got them out of the tub, cuddling their sweet slippery, clean baby chubbiness in fuzzy bath towels. After they were dressed all warm and cozy in their tiny, blue jeans, turtlenecks and slipper socks it was snack time. After half-heartedly consuming a few crackers, Julia started again. “Gwamma. I sad. No staw on tree.”

So I commenced a search for paper, crayons, and glitter which was mostly futile. After much digging I finally found a manilla folder, some little kid’s crayons, a yellow highlighter and some glitter tubes.

We sat at their little table. Julia colored and colored and colored with crayons and the yellow highlighter all over that manila folder where I had drawn a big star for the top of the tree. While she colored Riley ‘helped’ by attempting to eat the crayons and making that gaggy, stick-out-your-tongue face that seems synonymous with trying to dine on crayolas.

Finally, finally yellow highlighter, multi-colored crayon squiggles and a few bath crayon accents completed a magnificent star. The glitter pens were dried up but Julia didn’t care. She thought her star was perfect.

After watching me carefully cut all the way around the outline of the star, Julia looked at me with a solemn face and pointed at the top of the tree. I lifted her up high into the air and after a few seconds deliberation she finally knew where she wanted to put it.

As I lowered the sweet weight of her down her peach soft cheek brushed against mine.

Safely on the ground, she put her chubby starfish hands onto her tiny jean clad hips. “Oh,” she said softly, “Gwamma, is a staw…” and her beautiful round blue eyes just sparkled with happiness.

I will never forget her face in that moment.

I will never forget the glorious satisfaction she found from a manila folder and a yellow highlighter.

Each year since when I place the angel on the top of our tree, I think of Julia and her ‘staw’…

And I am determined to find Christmas in my heart…

No matter how hidden away it seems to be some years..

…Bless you, my dear friends. You have lightened my heart this year, shared my silliness, shared my sorrows and have offered acceptance and reassurance in an extremely difficult time of my life.

Even when you haven’t known it, there have been so many times you have been the star on top of my tree. I thank you for that and I send each of you the wish and the hope that each of you has a star adding joy to your life this holiday season.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Welcome to week eighty-six of Saturday Centus. Please accept my warmest wishes for a lovely holiday. I know that sounds really cheesy, but I totally mean it. I love the little community of support and encouragement that we've built together here.

THE PROMPT THIS WEEK IS: I heard an angel voice through the chaos and the noise...WORD COUNT - Not to exceed 200 words plus the 11 words of the prompt. 211 words total.STYLE OF WRITING - AnyADDITIONAL PICTURES IF DESIRED

The regular restrictions apply: PG, no splitting of the prompt, play nicely and visit the other entries, any style or genre of writing you prefer.

Please display my link button or just a hyper-link back to Saturday Centus. Be careful to link your SC URL to the Linky and not just link to your main blog.

E-mail me directly with ???'s or ask your question in a comment and I will do my best to get back to you as soon as possible.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

…and they are bright and shiny and glittery and magical, until suddenly they start going out, one by one, until the whole strand becomes nothing more than cheap wire with an electrical plug on one end?

You shake the cord. You plug the cord into a different outlet. You shake the cord again.

Sometimes some of the lights flicker on again briefly. And sometimes they just stay totally dark.

There might be times when you stand in that darkness, feeling like everyone else you know has Christmas lights that work. It might even feel like the whole world is filled with sparkle and twinkle and all you have in your grasp is cheap, plastic coated wire that contains no joy, whatsoever.

If things have been difficult for some time, perhaps the lights coming on at all are really the startling thing. That little bit of glow might feel like a broken promise…or the taunt of a world that seems determined to make the darkness absolute.

One by one the lights flicker out. And sometimes they come on, but sometimes it seems that they just continue until it feels like there is no reason to even look for the plug to try anymore.

Christmas in the dark can be a lonely, isolated time.

I wish I had the answers on how to keep those fragile little bulbs from going dark. I wish I had the reasons that life has to be so difficult.

But, I don’t.

The only thing that works for me is even on the blackest of days, I make myself look outside myself. I’m not saying, “Oh, so many people have it worse than me”. I think I’m saying, “Things are pretty lousy right now but if I let them, all the bad things will corrode these lights to the point that they will never work again.” And that is a risk I am unwilling to take. A possibility my heart cannot afford.

So I will continue to play Christmas music loudly, sing carols badly, wrap presents with too much tape and too few ribbons. I will rejoice in my Christmas cards, and drop jingly change into the Salvation Army buckets and I will hope.

And I will hope that if you are sitting in the darkness, the lights will come a-glow for you as well.

Perhaps if we plug all of our light strands together in a sense of community and kindness and prayer and compassion, we can make this holiday just a bit brighter...

…for each of us…no matter if we are sitting in the darkness or in a dazzling, deck-the-hall room!

Once we take down all the holly and the shiny ornaments and throw away the wrapping paper all that really matters are kind words, thoughtful hugs, and finding joy in small moments…

If you have questions, or need linked during this time, please e-mail me at jennymatlock at cox dot net and put 'Alphabe-Thursday HELP!' in the subject line.

Now...

Good morning and Happy Holidays, class. Welcome to round four of Alphabe-Thursday!

Today we will be writing anything to do with the holiday season! Please feel free to be as creative as you wish.

Please link directly to your Alphabe-Thursday URL (if you don't know how to do this let me know!) and please continue to visit the five links before and after your link and leave a comment. Minimum of 10 links visited please. You can visit more if you like, of course.

I also want to let you know that each week I visit every blog. If it appears I haven't visited your blog by the following Thursday morning, please let me know!

If you have any difficulties with your link, please make sure to include the number of the link when you e-mail me. It is really difficult for me to find you easily otherwise.

If you have any questions about Alphabe-Thursday or problems doing your link just post it in a comment or send me an e-mail. I'll do my best to help you as quickly as I can.

The McLinkey will be live from 1:00 pm MST time Wednesday afternoon in an effort to assist our lovely "friends across the pond" and continue through 10:00 am MST time Friday morning!

And remember.... link back to this post, you need to be registered as a follower of my blog, PG posts only, and visit at least 10 other students (perhaps the 5 students before and after your post). The links will stay live after the final post deadline has passed so you can even wait and visit over the weekend or whenever you have more time.

I'm trying to come up with the perfect baby name for our Grandson-on-the-way.

You're going to find it hard to believe, but the kids have totally rejected the idea of naming the baby after me...even though it is due on, or very close to, my birthday. They think it would be wrong to name a little boy any variation of Jenny or Rose. Geez. Some people.

I'm gonna be honest here. I'm just running out of ideas.

I looked briefly for inspiration in my pantry and strangely neither of the parents-to-be thought the name Wheat Chex or Creamed Corn would work.

So I thought I'd ask you.

You people are smart.

And resourceful.

And clever.

And you might have more original pantries than I do...

But be warned...they don't really like the name Jet Puffed either.

Sigh.

There is going to be a grand prize and a runner up prize.

I will be awarding two boxes of lemons, picked fresh from the lemon tree in my front yard.

First prize will be a large flat rate box filled to the brim with puckery yellow beauties.

Runner up will receive a medium flat rate box filled to the brim...blah, blah, blah!

Not sure how the lemons tie into the whole 'naming a baby' thing...but...I have a complex and intricate mind...

Do, too!

Yes, huh!

...

So...

Whaddya got?

They like creative. Their last name is Allen and they're finding it a little tricky to put a first name with a last name that sounds like a first name...

And, oddly enough, they didn't like the name Alan Allen.

I tell ya.

Some people are just totally picky.

I'll announce the winner of the giveway on Tuesday, December 27th. Winner will be notified by e-mail and I'll send your lemons out as soon as I receive your address.

I'll let the parents-to-be pick their favorite name from your suggestions...

And, yes.

I know it's Christmas.

And you're busy.

But this will give your brain a break from trying to think of something to buy Aunt Mildred. After all, she never likes anything you get her anyway, right?

Sadly...I can only ship lemons to the continental US. Other countries frown on me trying to import fruit.