Secularism Aggressivism

Today, aggressive secularists swamped the English town of Tunbridge Wells. Dressed in cargo pants, Birkenstock sandals and unironed Ché Guevara T-shirts they knocked on every door within a three-mile radius of the town centre demanding that residents 'Reject faith-based muddle-headed thinking.'

Ivy Jones (56) said: "I was just settling down to watch Corrie when there was a sharp tap on the door. I answered it and this woman with buck teeth said that she didn't believe in God and that she hoped that I didn't too."

Visibly shaken, Mrs Jones continued: "I tried to explain that I had my own private beliefs, but she was having none of it. Kept trying to sell me a magazine called The Militant Atheist and when I finally managed to close the door, she shoved it through my letterbox."

Other aggressive secularists threatened to burn one hundred copies of A Brief History of Time because the 'calculations were out by a light year'.

A spokesperson for the group said (aggressively): "Your choice is easy. Either believe in secularism or risk whatever nuclear energy is left after your bodily cells have decomposed, spending eternity or its nearest applicable concept in Neasdon."