Sunday, December 21, 2008

When an individual enters into a room, or any particular "environment" for that matter, they notice certain objects (or the existence of those objects) as being more prominent than others. Certain factors affect what existence stands out to a particular person at a particular moment in time. For example, when you walk into your room in search of your keys, your perceptions are heightened to all things shiny and silver (if those happen to be the particular attributes you know your keys to have). As a result, all other existence in the room becomes what I like to term "background." The books and clothes lying on the floor are of little importance to you at that moment, so you barely notice them, if at all. However, if another individual (not in search of keys) enters into the room, they will see the room completely differently than you as their senses will be heightened to pick up on other things. What you perceive at any given moment in time is caused by a mixture of thoughts, genetics and past experience. Based on the simple idea discussed above, it can be concluded that no two people ever perceive their environments in the same way, as we are constantly alert to different forms of existence. Because of this, language becomes a great barrier as suddenly the "same" sounds we use with one another no longer correlate with the same perceptions. When I speak of my room, a different vision arises in my mind than it does in yours. That vision is also affected with time even though I would still call it "my room." Even if you and I are both in my "room" we are likely seeing things differently, as different existence is standing out. We may both call it by the term "room" and that term certainly connects back to the same OBJECTIVE thing, but subjectively speaking there is no proof that it is the same thing. When we communicate, we do so at an incredibly fast rate, that there is not time to clarify every word, and even if there was, that could never be attainable. If one tried to clarify to another person who was genuinely interested in seeing the world through their eyes, what a certain environment looked like to them at any given moment that person would do so with the only way they know how- with words. You could argue, well they could paint a picture of the room, but still the perception of that painting would be different among individuals, as once again different attributes would appear more distinct to one person than to another. I have just demonstrated how an environment termed by all English-speaking people will be communicated using the same word, but could mean different things to different people. This concept can be applied to all words though, not just words of environment. This is because every word has certain attributes, but any time you hear or see a word, you are not considering all those attributes and the attributes that make up those attributes and so on... Every form of existence around us possesses billions upon billions of attributes, and each of those attributes has the possibility of being perceived by one of our five senses. At any given moment in time, however, an individual is probably only [subconsciously aware of 2-5% of all the attributes that COULD possibly be perceived (let's not even get into whether there are others there that we CAN'T perceive). This may sound like a futile concept to discuss, but I feel that it's an important one. Any time you speak, your words carry different weight and meaning depending on the individual. Humans derive meaning from words largely due to past experiences and confrontations with words and their association with those experiences. For example, a young child living in Florida who has been confronted with only a couple photos of snow and has never seen it in real life will have a very different concept of the word snow than an adult who has grown up in Michigan. The child would likely view snow as something mystical and Christmassy, whereas the adult might associate it with a more negative connotation as they recall (and quickly, mind you) the horrid times of shoveling and scraping when they hear/see "snow." Now take this concept and take this very stupid blog that I have just written and think about how differently this blog must mean to you than to me. Each and every word potentially has a different meaning/connotation to you. Even though two people might string words together in a similar fashion, they could be the expression of two very different perceptions

Monday, December 15, 2008

I have chronic insomnia, I have suffered from insomnia on and off for about five years now. It initially started off with a couple of restless nights and having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. I would battle through it, and it would eventually pass. The last six months it has gotten much worse. It takes me quite a long time to fall asleep hours if at all. And when I do fall asleep I have a hard time sleeping very long from 20 minutes to 4 hours. Some days I don't sleep at all and sometimes it can last for a couple of days. If you have never experienced this let me tell it sucks. Feeling so tried but unable to sleep. Your body aches all over. (Witch is saying something considering my current medical condition.) You become unable to focus on anything for too long. Your mind starts to wonder. I tend to zone out from time to time I'm awake but nobody's home for a couple of minutes then I come back it's kind of like a short out of body experience. And work is quite difficult since most of what I do at work tends to be a physical job, and trying to stay focused just enough to get by. Sometimes I look like a walking zombie. Then when I'm not able to sleep for very long a period that's when your mind starts to plays tricks on your and alters your reality. I start to think I'm losing my fucking mind and from time to time I have hallucinations such as the Sun Maid raisin lady stalking me. At first she was sort of creepy, what with that big ass red hat of hers and her basket of grapes, but I have come to accept her and I realize she's just lonely and misunderstood. I have tried all sorts of thing medications, vitamins, meditation; I even quit caffeine for awhile. (That was a big mistake I just made things worse.) When I start a new medication or a sleep aid it does work for about a week or so but then nothing. I know that certain things contribute to my insomnia. I work over nights, my medication, my illness and my own damn mind. (I wish I could just shut off my mind but just won't relinquish.) I won't change my meds because it's what is keeping me alive, so if I have to choose between insomnia and death I'll take insomnia…I guess that's a fair trade off.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I'm unsatisfied. I'm unsatisfied in life. I quote the replacements "look me in the eye then tell me that I'm satisfied. Everything goes well; anything goes all of the time. Everything that you dream of is right in front of you and everything is a lie. Look me in the eye and tell me that I'm satisfied. I'm so unsatisfied, I'm so dissatisfied." That sums up how I feel. Anyone that truly knows me and looks me in the eyes can't tell me that I'm satisfied. Why am I so unsatisfied? I'm not completely sure. I think that I'm unsatisfied in everything in life. I guess the real problem is I have no idea what I want out of life. I'm almost thirty years old and I'm as clueless as when I was eighteen. But yet again I think I might be even more confused now. At least when I was eighteen I felt that I had time to find out what I wanted out of life. Well ten years has passed and I thought by now I would know what it is that I want out of this life. It's not like I have not tried from college to a career, trying to start a family to absolute self obliteration. College just was not for me people telling me I had to pick what I wanted to be when I was nineteen….damn how was I to pick that out at that age? So I blindly picked out what I wanted to do end wasted thousands of dollars. Trying a career let me totally burned out. Self obliteration well I should be dead. And as for raising a family or at least attempting, I thought this was what I was to do with my life. But to be completely truthful, left me more miserable than I have ever been. Trying to live the American dream left me so disenchanted. But wasn't this what I was suppose to do? Aren't we taught that we all need to find love, get married and have children the white picket fence ect. So that is what I did even back then I knew it didn't feel right but I did it anyway, because I wanted to grow up. Settling for anything in life is never a good thing. I realize that now and I will never again settle for what I truly do not want just because it's what everyone says you should do. But it has become so clear to me that it does not make an adult it is something you grow into and you don't realize your adult in just something that creeps up on you. Teenage angst has turned into the working mans blues. The American dream does not meet my expatiations. So I abandoned it. The more I think about it, the more I realize at least for me it's not about finding out what I want in life it's what I don't want in life. Maybe someday I'll find what I am looking for maybe I missed it, maybe its right in front of me, or maybe it's already here. So I'm unsatisfied but I glad to be unsatisfied. This is what keeps me going. So I may have just found the answer to my own question. I will always be unsatisfied and why should I be happy with any thing less? I will search and be unsatisfied as long as blood runs through my veins

Monday, December 8, 2008

Life comes down to one thing really...and that is use. How did we use the time given? Did we squander it idly on a couch watching others live their lives through a series of electronic reactions and manipulations of light? Did we lose our connection to reality through the expertly woven sequence of similes and metaphors laced ever so delicately in tangles of nouns, adjectives, and verbs? Or did we explore the wild blue and green that paints this rock we call home, lost in an infinite universe of possibility and dream? I'd like to believe I've done the latter...that to date I've done everything I can to breathe every instant with intent and without regret. But I feel I would have to be a damn fool to make that claim...and most of the populace in this world...but a sparse few...could truthfully make that claim. A good number of us have given up on dreams for fear of rejection...that's always the justification...rejection is the source of all that prevents us from living our dreams...rejection of a lover, rejection of a friend, rejection of a boss or coworker, rejection of a social class, rejection of a family member...the list continues...our world breeds heroes and then consequently teaches the rest of society that we will never accomplish a similar status...magazines paint imagery that the majority will by no means be...music paints rock stars that are god like and are for worship ...movies paint dreams that could never be our own reality ...we live to be someone else...or at least that's what we are lead to believe.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Its opening day for baseball season and it’s snowing out, oh well. This is my favorite time of the year. Baseball season is my favorite season from spring to fall. I’m not just talking about baseball here I just seem to feel my best through spring to fall. Baseball is my metaphor for my life. I feel rejuvenated in the spring, a fresh start anything seems possible. After a long harsh cold winter and I first hear the crack of that bat I take a sigh of relief knowing I made it through another winter. Knowing that soon I will no longer be isolated in between these walls. I will no longer complain about the weather no matter how hot and humid or rainy it gets, I’ll leave the complaining about the weather for the next winter. I fine baseball to be poetic and even some what romantic, just like life. Everyone starts out fresh in the spring when everything is blooming and coming alive. Then ends when things are starting to die out. I feel this could be a good season for myself I’m optimistic for a "winning season" this year. It is going to be a long fun spring through fall. I can’t hardly wait to see what happens for myself.