Sunday, 30 August 2015

Is
there a cork big enough to adequately fill Susan Carter’s gob, I ask myself?
Alternatively, how about a machine that gives her a warning electric shock
whenever she opens her mouth? On Sunday, Susan is still moaning about Hazel’s
plans to turn the shop into apartments and, for some inexplicable reason, Pat
thinks that this is an ideal time to tell her about the Archer family’s plans
to open a shop at Bridge Farm.

How
does Susan take it? How do you think? The gob slips immediately into overdrive
as she berates Pat for “taking advantage of the shop, the flood and our
friendship. You and Hazel should be ashamed of yourselves - it’s nothing but
treachery!” If I were Pat, I too would be angry - angry that Susan thinks their
relationship is based on friendship, rather than that of employer/employee.
Speaking of which, perhaps Susan should be careful how she speaks to her boss -
dairy workers can be replaced, you know.

Not
content with upsetting Pat, Susan does her bit for shopkeeper/customer
relations when she turns on Peggy. Peg is in the shop and tells Susan that she
has spoken to Hazel, but she won’t change her mind and the situation is out of
her hands. Cue rant from Susan, who accuses Peggy of pulling the strings and “stabbing
the village in the back, just so your family can benefit.” Peggy is distraught,
saying “you can’t believe that” and Lynda, who is also working in the shop, is
appalled and apologises to Peggy. “Don’t apologise to her - she should
apologise to all the volunteers” is Susan’s reasoned response. Later on, Lynda
goes to the Lodge to apologise again, but Peggy says that it’s not Lynda that
should be apologising and is that really how little Susan thinks of her after
all these years? Well done Susan - another lifelong customer lost.

Pip
went with Toby to pitch the Fairbrothers’ geese to Reedles. The manager was
frosty, but the chef was enthusiastic. “We make a great team,” Toby tells Pip
and invites her for a drink that night. She actually goes - I thought she had
more sense and taste - and Charlie is there. A discussion ensues - Charlie says
that her new job is a great opportunity and will broaden her experience and
knowledge. On the other hand, Toby says that intensive farming is not the way
forward and Pip would be better off staying at Brookfield and working with him
and Toby in building up their business. He also suggests that, with Pip away,
Josh might make a bid to take over at Brookfield. Finally, the arrogant sod
says that he can’t understand how she can leave when she’s only just getting to
know him. And I thought that Tom (in his incarnation as sausage king and Ready
Meals tycoon) was as big-headed as you can get.

Tuesday
comes and Pip prepares to depart. The tearfulness and trembly voices is
fantastic - such depth of emotion has not been seen since Captain Scott left
for the South Pole - and Pip drives off into the sunset. She does point out to
Mum and Dad that she’s only going to High Wycombe and she’ll be back on Friday
anyway, plus there is the family meal on Monday. Sure enough, Pip returns early
on Friday and tells David that the job isn’t what she thought it was (she had
meetings and presentations) and that the foreign travel wouldn‘t be till next
year. What was she expecting? A seat on the board? A company yacht? An
apartment in Monte Carlo?

“I
want my future to be at Brookfield” she says and an apprehensive David asks if
this has anything to do with Toby? “No way” Pip says - I hope to God she means
it. “Do I still have a job here?” Pip asks and, when David says “of course”,
she says “Good, because I’ve resigned.” Well, you certainly gave that a fair
crack of the whip, Pip - by my reckoning you were there for around 60 hours.
Actually, what would she have done if David had said “afraid there’s no job for
you Pip - we’ve got the relief milker in now” or “of course you have a job -
early morning milking and here’s a toothbrush so you can clean out the slurry
tank.”

Rob
is keeping himself busy. On Sunday, Ambridge are playing Darrington at cricket
and Rob is getting involved in some serious sledging with his opponents.
Charlie counsels caution and to stay disciplined. Rob retorts that he knows
what he’s doing and the only reason that Charlie is in the team is because Adam
asked him “and why would that be?” he adds, nastily. Anyway, Rob gets caught,
Ambridge lose the match and Rob is in a foul mood, refusing to go to the pub
afterwards and telling Helen: “I out-batted everyone - I’m sick of it being
down to me all the time.” Poor diddums!

On
Tuesday Rob takes Helen’s place at the meeting with the interior designer for
the new shop and it seems that he persuades Tom to consider a more contemporary
design than the one that he and Helen originally favoured. Amazingly, Tom tells
Pat that having Rob at the meeting was very helpful. In fact, Pat is rapidly
turning into Rob’s greatest fan and, at the end of the week, she tells Helen
that she’s sorry if she’s been hard on him in the past and “he makes a
fantastic addition to the family.” Call me a suspicious old cynic if you like,
but I regard this as a sure sign that something is going to go spectacularly
tits up in the near future.

On
Thursday, Rob asked Pat if she could have Henry for the night, as he wants to
cook Helen a special meal to thank her for standing by him. Helen comes home,
laden down with parcels, most of which is stuff for when Henry starts school.
However, she has bought herself a dress for the opera and, by all accounts, it
is stunning. Rob tells her to put it on and do her hair and proceeds to ply her
with wine throughout the evening. He becomes increasingly passionate (why did
she bother to put the dress on?) and drags her to the sofa. She wants to go
upstairs, but Rob can’t wait, telling her that he loves her and “all we need
now is a baby of our own.” “Absolutely,” Helen replies, adding; “One day”.

We
are spared further details, thank heaven, but the next day, Helen is distinctly
unhappy and we don’t know why. Even at the opera, and wearing her new dress,
she is miserable. We can only speculate on the cause (I can’t believe her
explanation, which is that she’s hungover) and I reckon it’s because she and
Rob had unprotected sex and she’s worried because she’s not ready for another
baby just yet. We’ll have to wait and see.

Elsewhere,
it helped if you could speak Italian last week, with Jim and Lynda dropping
into the language at the slightest opportunity. In fact, Charlie goes to the
shop and Lynda insists on explaining the plot of Cosi Fan Tutte to him. “Can I
just have my newspaper?” he asks, exasperatedly.

Jill
is at Lower Loxley, choosing a room, with Carol helping. It has a fantastic
view and its own sitting room, but Jill is not happy “What use am I going to
be?” she asks, adding that she’s not cut out to be lady of the manor.” Don’t worry
Jill - I’m sure Elizabeth can find you a place in the kitchens, or a similar
job. At least Jill has lost a lot of the optimism that Kenton will attend the
family feast on Bank Holiday Monday and that everything will be hunky dory
afterwards.

Talking
of Kenton, his descent into alcohol-fuelled depression gathers apace. Jim and
Lynda are in the pub, discussing how they can rally round the shop and Kenton
loses it, saying “some of us have much deeper problems, but is anyone rallying
round us?” and he goes off to open a bottle of whisky, telling Jolene that Jim
and Lynda want sandwiches and she can get them.

And
to show that it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good, Fallon receives
notice to quit her flat and confides in PC Burns that, the way things are, she
couldn’t bear to move back to The Bull. Quick as a flash, PCB suggests that
they get a place together and she agrees. Jolene is delighted but Kenton’s
response is a monotone “good for you”. He talks to PCB about the family rift
and PCB reveals that he hasn’t seen his brother for years after a row and he
really regrets it. Adds PCB: “Take my advice - it’s easy to lose your family,
but very hard to get them back.” Think on, Kenton.

Sunday, 23 August 2015

I
believe I’m right in saying that Witch Hazel Woolley is not married and, quite
frankly, I’m not in the least surprised, as the woman has a nasty streak in her
about a yard wide and doesn’t give a toss about what people think of her.

At
the start of the week, we had Susan acting like a cross between Joan of Arc and
Winston Churchill, telling Jim and Lynda that she has tried to contact Hazel on
numerous occasions, with no success, as Hazel has neglected to call her back.
Never mind! Susan enlists the help of Peggy, who was shocked to learn of Witch
Hazel’s plans to turn the shop into apartments - Peggy tries to get in touch
with her step-daughter-in law, but guess what? You got it - Hazel remains
incommunicado.

Until
Thursday, that is, as Hazel turns up at The Lodge, unannounced. Chris scuttles
off in her dressing gown and Peggy upbraids Hazel for not returning her calls.
Hazel’s response is that she’s here now and what does Peggy want, as Hazel’s
time is precious? Peggy makes an impassioned plea about how the shop is at the
heart of village life and is a lifeline for many of the villagers and Hazel
counters by saying that a) everything happens online nowadays and supermarkets
will deliver to even God-forsaken wildernesses such as Ambridge and b) it’s
none of Peggy’s business anyway.

Peggy
changes tack, appealing to Hazel’s better nature (ha!) and the memory of her
father, saying that Jack intended the shop to be a permanent asset to the
village at a peppercorn rent. Hazel’s memory is different, as she says that
Jack instilled in her the desire to maximise her assets and converting the shop
into apartments will benefit Ambridge in the long run. “But the young people
won’t be able to afford them” Peggy wails. Tough luck - the apartments will be
aimed at high earners from outside the village who are looking for a weekend
retreat, not straw-sucking peasants who are looking for somewhere to park their
tractors.

Things
take an unpleasant turn when Peggy accuses Hazel of acting in a fit of pique,
just because she never got her own way over the words on Jack’s headstone.
Hazel feigns innocence, claiming that her decision is based purely on economic
grounds, but gives the game away when she adds: “But if it pays you back for
your heartless intransigence, that’s an added bonus.” With that, Hazel bids
Peggy farewell, gets on her broomstick and leaves.

Amid
all the “we shall not be moved” protests about the shop, Jim is a voice of
reason, as he suggests that Hazel probably has every right to do what she
wishes with what is, after all, her property. He is nearly tarred and feathered
for this heresy, but he has a point. I think the protesters’ best hope lies in
Hazel not getting change of use permission, or her broomstick conking out while
she is flying it.

Another
big story of the week was Rob walking out of Berrow Farm after another
difficult session of questioning by Charlie and the news that BL are getting a
consultant in to go through the figures. This begs the question - if margins
are as slim and tight as Charlie claims, how can they afford a consultant? It’s
all too much for Rob and he tells Charlie “I’m out of here - for good”. Back
home, Rob spins Helen a yarn about how Charlie has been undermining him from
day one and Rob has tried to hide from Helen the effect that this has been
having on him. As to the mistakes that Charlie has uncovered, Rob says that Raf
made the mistakes and Rob was trying to cover up for him. Helen swallows it
and, when Charlie leaves a message that he would like to talk things over with
Rob, she says “You’ve won - you can go back from a position of strength.”

Rob
says that nothing will induce him to go back, but there is the question of a
reference - will Charlie rubbish Rob when he needs one? Rob tells Helen that
Charlie thinks that he (Rob) would use the fact that Charlie and Adam kissed on
New Year’s Eve against him. As if Rob would be so vindictive! What about
getting a new job? Rob wants to make sure that his next job is the right one
and he asks Helen “We can manage for a few weeks, can’t we?” Of course they can
- there’s Peggy’s £10,000 in the bank, for a start.

A
few days later, Rob arranges to go back to Berrow Farm to pick up some personal
items. Charlie is doing his job temporarily and the conversation between them
is strained, but polite. Rob keeps making veiled references, saying things like
“you and I are two different sorts of men” and, when discussing a reference, “I
don’t want to say anything bad about you or anyone close to you - I’m aware how
damaging it might be.” Charlie says that Rob will get a good reference and the
two shake hands as Rob leaves.

It
looks like Rob could become a pain in the rear, as he tags along when Helen
meets Tom to discuss plans for the new shop at Bridge Farm. Tom and Helen have
decided on the décor for the shop (‘Classic Rural’, with farm implements for
decorations) and Rob rubbishes this, and casts doubt on the advisability of
consulting Fallon over design. Tom is obviously aware of what’s going on, as he
thanks Rob, saying “all your input’s been (long pause) useful” and pointedly
adds that they will take it into account when he and Helen speak to the
interior designer. The words ’and you won’t be required’ are left unsaid.

After
yet another week of ’what can we do about Heather?’ David finally gives in and
says she can come and live at Brookfield. This is after constant nagging and
hand-wringing from Rooooth and Pip saying that, when they were all ready to
quit Brookfield, David made a unilateral decision to stay and Rooooth agreed -
perhaps it’s now Rooooth’s turn to make a major decision? I think David’s
agreement was as much to stop the constant earache as for Heather’s welfare.
After all this, I hope to God that Heather agrees - I couldn’t bear yet more of
Rooooth telling everyone how she feels guilty and is being torn apart (if
only!). The only question is how to tell Jill that she’s got to move out? Jill
is very understanding and says that Heather’s need is greater than hers, while
making a mental note to change her Will.

Kenton
sinks even lower, if such a thing were possible. Jolene tells him that she’s
knackered, as she’s been running the pub single-handedly for the past week. A
tearful Kenton tells her that he’d never believed in himself much and he’d
always hoped to find someone who believed in him. And now he has, he’s dragged
her down to his level and “I can never forgive myself for trashing the life of
someone I love so much.” Kenton is in a bad way, and somehow I don’t think that
Jill’s plan (again) to have a big family party - ostensibly to wish Pip all the
best in her new job - is going to help a lot.

Elsewhere,
the wall of the Village Hall collapsed, which is good news for those of us who
are trying to make sure that it doesn’t open in time to stage Lynda’s Christmas
do - well done to my team of secret sappers; keep it up, lads! Joe Grundy was
there when it happened and he was thinking bad things about the late Bob Pullen
- so terrified is he, that he stands up every time Bob’s name is mentioned. In
fact, Bob Pullen (who never spoke) has never had so many mentions (apart from
at his funeral, that is).

Muppet’s
first birthday is coming up and Grandmothers Lynda and Lilian discuss the
running order on the day. A children’s entertainer has been hired and, when
Lilian protests that Muppet is only one year old, Lynda says how vital it is
that he socialises with the other children and what a pity it was that he never
completed his sensory classes (according to Lilian, Muppet was thrown out because
he wailed from start to finish) but hopefully, his dancing classes will be more
successful. Give the poor kid a break! Isn’t it bad enough that he has James
and Leone for parents, without making him suffer all this pretentious garbage?
Lynda will have him doing Feng Shui next.

Quite frankly, looking at Zoe’s list, I reckon the
Pied Piper has done a terrific job – whatever he charged, it was worth it. But
it’s not just the children that have gone awol – we have commented on more than
one occasion that Darrell just seems to have been written out and disappeared
without trace. At least when Matt left (or was pushed) there was a covering
story that he had legged it to Costa Rica, but as far as Darrell is concerned,
it is as if he never existed.

There are a number of other absentees too – it has
been months since we heard from Wayne, and long may it continue, plus Kathy has
been quiet recently. As for Will, the strain of being nice to Ed at the
latter’s marriage and of letting him and Emma have the house on the Green at a
reasonable rent must have been too much for him and he has had to lie down in a
darkened room for a few months. Whatever the reason, we haven’t heard from him
for a while.

Christine is doing her usual trick of being
referred to, without actually appearing, although one assumes that, if she and
Jim go to the Italian-speaking dinner party at Caroline and Oliver’s, she’ll
have to say something.

Much the same is happening to Jazzer, with Toby
referring a couple of times to things that Jazzer had said in the pub, without
us actually hearing from the man himself. PC Burns is another who has been
conspicuous by his absence – perhaps he’s under cover somewhere? Neil too
hasn’t had much of a speaking part recently, although, being married to Susan,
he’s probably used to not being able to get a word in edgeways.

No doubt you have your own favourites who appear to
have gone walkabout, or those that you’d like to send on a long trip somewhere.
Presumably it won’t be long before Pip vanishes for a few months, unless Toby
Fairbrother’s lascivious ambitions are realised.

Comment number two comes from Phil, and it concerns
Rob Titchener. Phil asks:

Are
there betting odds on which of the different possible ways that Rob will crash
and burn will hit first? So far we have:

Have
I missed anything? And who gets to deliver the coup-de-grace, or does he ever
more improbably escape detection? Given that the man is now doing everything
apart from skulking around Ambridge in a black cloak and hissing
"a-ha!" like a pantomime villain, even the preternaturally dense
inhabitants of Borsetshire must have noticed something's not quite right with
the man. – Phil

Yes, there’s something of the Jekyll and Hyde about
Rob – he can be very charming and then exhibit a nasty turn of temper. When
under pressure from Charlie, he was snappy with Henry and Helen when he
returned home. OK, I agree with him that it wasn’t very professional of Helen
to take Henry and biscuits to see him while at work, but it wasn’t that big a
deal – even Charlie laughed it off.

Surely he will get his come-uppance one day (we
have said before that nobody usually gets away with a bad deed in Ambridge)?
The question is, will that be before he has talked Helen into having his baby?
If he is forced to leave Ambridge, will Helen go with him? Even more important,
who will replace him in the cricket team? I suspect that, if Charlie keeps
turning the screw and Rob feels the net closing in on him, Rob’s flashes of
anger and bad temper will become more frequent. Will the scales fall from
Helen’s love-besotted eyes? I reckon Rob would have to beat her up for that to
happen, and even then, she’d say it was her own fault. We await developments
with interest.

Our third comment, from Mr/Ms Anonymous is in more
serious vein and concerns Kenton:

Not a light comment - but Kenton is showing
classical signs of depression, and hopefully someone picks up on the
not-very-subtle mention of suicide. It's just not true that those who talk
about it never attempt it, sadly.

I know that Kenton has
done his level best to alienate seemingly every member of his family in recent
weeks, but surely Jolene could appeal to somebody in the extensive Archer clan
for help, couldn’t she?

Thanks for your
comments – it’s always good to get feedback and to know that the blog is being
read and, hopefully, enjoyed!

Sunday, 16 August 2015

…Kenton
goes to pieces. The week starts badly for him when he wakes up on Sunday,
heavily hungover after a late night necking the whisky, much to Jolene’s
displeasure. The reason for this excessive drinking is the quote for repairing
the foundations, which is £52k. Jolene points out that Lilian will pay half of
it, but a despondent Kenton says that still leaves £26k - a sum that they just
don’t have. The solution? Kenton goes back to bed and tells Jolene that he is
not going to the family lunch at The Stables.

If
I might digress here, I wouldn’t pin my hopes on Lilian, as Matt cleaned out
their bank accounts, leaving her skint. Mind you, as Kenton says, all she has
to do is sell one of her rental properties.

Kenton
is not the only absentee at the lunch (Jolene rang Shula and said that Kenton
had a tummy bug), as Pip is too busy and Josh is trying to recapture escaped
hens. David and Rooooth are up in Prudhoe and Freddie and Lily didn’t make it
either. Neither Shula nor Elizabeth believe that Kenton is really ill and Shula
is more than a little fed up, as she has cooked mountains of food and loads
Elizabeth up with doggie bags. Shula assumes that Kenton’s absence is because
of the disagreement with his brother and says “Kenton and David need to grow up
and sort this out.” I’m with you there, Shula.

As
Sunday wears on, Kenton is still wallowing in self pity and Jolene calls him
‘the most miserable landlord in the county’ and she says that she always tries
to expect the best of any situation and can’t he do the same? “I just don’t
think I can,” Kenton answers, no doubt reaching for another whisky as he does
so.

Jolene
keeps on at her husband; especially when his miserable attitude starts getting
to the punters. “We can get through anything as a team,” she says, adding: “but
not with you in this pit of negativity.” Kenton digs his pit a little deeper
when he answers “The only thing that we are going to do as a team is sink.”
That’s my boy - always looking on the bright side!

On
Thursday, Toby Fairbrother is in the bar, trying to persuade Tony, Ed and
Kenton to have a whisky chaser with their pints. Only one accepts - guess who?
Toby announces that he is going to Borchester for a night out on the lash and
who else is up for it? Again, only one accepts as Kenton says “I’ll get my
wallet.” The evening wasn’t what Toby was hoping for - earlier in the day he
had tried to persuade Pip to go for a drink, but she was too busy. I suspect
that Kenton makes a poor substitute.

But
never mind, as Toby and Kenton throw themselves wholeheartedly into getting
totally rat-arsed and, so successful are they, that Kenton says he can’t go
home and perhaps he ought to run away to sea again. The two of them drink to
that (me too).

The
week ends as it began, with a drunken, hungover Kenton nursing a headache as
his phone rings constantly. He has a beer for breakfast and decides that he had
better walk home and face Jolene’s wrath. Toby walks with him and, with each
step, Kenton’s despondency increases. “I’m beyond repair,” he tells Toby,
adding: “I’m tired of the real world and tired of making mistakes and calling
them adventures - I’m ashamed.” His final observation is “I’m sick of life and
I’m sick of me.” I must admit, I’m getting a bit cheesed off with him myself -
maybe Jolene will put him out of his misery.

Let’s
move on to more cheerful things - Susan is excited as the tabards and name
badges for the shop assistants have arrived and she summons Lynda for a fashion
show. Opinion is divided over the tabards - either they ‘have real class’
(Susan) or are ‘hideous’ and ’an abomination’ (Lynda). All we know is that they
are a pink and orange paisley pattern and made from nylon, which gives Lynda an
electric shock and makes her hair stand on end. “I looked like a char,“ she
tells Robert later. I didn’t know whether to be sorry or pleased that this was
radio and not TV. The final straw for Lynda is when her name badge has her name
misspelt as ‘Linda’ - Susan was hoping that she wouldn’t notice and says that
it doesn’t really matter, does it?

And
perhaps Susan is correct, as on Wednesday, Lynda and Robert spy a notice on the
door of the shop. They go to investigate and are horrified to discover that it
is a Planning Application. As we suggested last week, Witch Hazel wants to turn
the shop into apartments and it is all too much for Lynda, who bursts into
tears. She had been feeling a bit more upbeat but this latest blow knocks her
back. “This damned flood just keeps grabbing at everything we hold dear,” she
tells her husband, tearfully. Someone else who isn’t happy at the news is
Fallon, who tells Kenton that she loves her flat over the shop, not that Kenton
really cares about other people‘s problems.

Over
at Berrow Farm, Charlie is really getting on Rob’s nerves, asking to see not
only the computer data concerning the farm management programme, but the
original forms and job sheets from which the data are collected. “Is all this
really necessary?” Rob asks, peevishly. “I don’t know yet” is Charlie’s reply.

Charlie
and Rob are interrupted by the arrival of Helen and Henry - they have been
baking biscuits and Henry insisted on taking some to Daddy. Rob is not
impressed and, back home later, he gets a bit tetchy when Helen asks why is
Charlie scrutinising the paperwork? He says he neither knows nor cares, adding:
“It’s an interruption; rather like your impromptu and rather pointless visit
today.” Rob goes further, saying that having a four-year old deliver biscuits
duringa working day is hardly
professional and, if Helen wants to visit again, she should ring first.

The
following day, Rob comes home for lunch and tells Helen to stop fussing over
him as she cooks him an omelette. Helen has had brunch with Ian at Grey Gables
and dropped Henry off at a friend’s. Rob immediately uses this to pursue his
‘isn’t it time we had a child?’ agenda by saying how he worries about Henry,
who seems desperate to have a friend. “What’s it like to hold your own child in
your arms for the first time?” and “That’s all that’s missing for me and the
picture will be complete” Rob says. Helen says that’s what she wants too, to
which Rob replies “What are we waiting for?” Finish your omelette first, man!
Helen says that the time has to be right - Henry needs to be settled at school
(where he presumably will make lots of friends) and the shop has to be up and
running before she can take time out for a baby. Reluctantly, Rob agrees, but
you can tell that he doesn’t really believe it.

The
saga of what to do with Heather drags on, with Rooooth coming back from
Prudhoe, only to get a phone call from her mother, who is now unhappy at the
interim care home where she is staying. Rooooth goes off on another guilt trip
and wishes she could split herself in two (well, she can always try - Jamie has
a chain saw). She has finally come up with a solution; Heather will have to
come to live at Brookfield. This is despite the fact that just such an offer
was made months ago and Heather turned it down. David points out that Rooooth
doesn’t have the expertise to look after her mum and besides, where will she
find the time? But Rooooth is having none of it, saying: “We’ve let my Mum down
once David - we’re not going to do it again.”

I
am evidently not the only one getting fed up with the Rooooth/Heather
situation, as a reader has sent in a comment. Mr (or Ms) Anonymous has a
radical solution, saying:

“I
wish that someone would shoot Rooooth (and her mother) and therefore put us out
of our misery. I’m now switching off for two minutes whenever Rooooth starts.
Just tooooo much!!!!!

Sunday, 9 August 2015

I’d
like to say ‘welcome back’ to Emma. “But she hasn’t been anywhere” I hear you
cry - true, but I’m talking about the old, morose, moaning Emma who we all
loved to hate and not the recent incarnation over previous months, who was
bordering on the human and never had a bad word to say about anybody.

The
catalyst for the return of old Emma is Helen and Rob’s wedding; Emma cannot
believe that they just went off and got married as she and Fallon were going to
be Maids of Honour. Really? Personally, I don’t associate Emma with either of
the words ’maid’ or ’honour’. She is even more put out as Helen never told her
personally, saying “what they did was a bit rubbish.”

Ed
suggests that perhaps they did it to save money and adds that, whatever their
reasons, it was their own business. Someone who takes the same view is Tony -
Pat says that Helen is looking so very happy “and a lot of that is down to
Rob.” Blimey! Praise indeed from the woman who used to be number one Rob-hater!
Nevertheless, she still wishes that they hadn’t got married the way they did.
Tony is on his daughter’s side, saying “It’s up to them” and adding that it was
better for them to do it the way they wanted “rather than have a big ceremony
just to keep everyone else happy.” Are you listening, Emma?

Peggy
is pleased for Helen and Rob, but expresses a slight regret that she will never
see Helen walk down the aisle. She then gives them a cheque for £10,000 - how
much would it have been if the wedding had been in church, I wonder? The cheque
is made out to ‘Mr & Mrs Titchener’ and Helen says “We haven’t even got a
joint bank account yet.” Rob’s response (“we can soon sort that out, can’t we
darling?”) makes me think that the joint account will bear the names of ‘Mr
Titchener’ and ‘Rob Titchener’.

We
can see where Emma gets her miserable side from, as Susan, on learning about
the wedding, goes around saying things like “when you get married that quickly,
there’s usually a reason” and “there’s no smoke without fire.” She seems to
have forgotten that her son Chris and Alice Aldridge tied the knot in Las Vegas
five years ago without telling anyone, while supposed to be on holiday.

Not
only is Susan snide - some might say poisonous - but she is again suffering
from delusions of adequacy when it comes to the shop, calling a meeting of
volunteers, which is attended by Jim, Lynda and Jill. At the meeting, Susan
reveals that she has tried to contact Witch Hazel about the reopening of the
shop, but Hazel has totally ignored her messages. Yup, sounds like Hazel. Never
mind! Susan tells the others that, although footfall is good, they can do
better. “We need to become more professional” she tells them and reveals her
master plan - the volunteers should wear tabards and sport name badges with a
message like ‘my name is Susan and I’m happy to help.’ Lynda and Jim are
appalled and Jill is pretty non-committal. Jim proposes they have a vote, but
is cut off by Susan, voice rising manically and probably frothing at the mouth,
saying that the shop needs to be dragged into the 21st century. In a
breathtaking display of arrogance and self-delusion, she slaps down the
suggestion of a vote, saying “As the professional here, I have to take the
lead. If we want the shop to survive, we have to move with the times.”

I
could be wrong, but I fear for the shop’s future anyway - from what we know of
Hazel, she definitely looks after number one, so, if she allows the shop to
continue, you can put money on the fact that the peppercorn rent charged by her
father Jack will rise rather dramatically. Secondly, Susan doesn’t know about
the plans of Helen, Tom, Pat and Tony to open a shop of their own, selling
their own produce, at Bridge Farm. And lastly, Susan should remember that her co-workers
are all volunteers and if she has any more stupid ideas about uniforms etc, she
could well find herself manning the shop on her own.

But
on to happier things - Pip got her results, so congratulations on your 2:1,
Pip. David and Rooooth are going to take her out for a posh dinner, but it all
goes nads up when Rooooth takes a call from the interim care home where Heather
is installed - Heather has gone awol. Rooooth blames herself for not being
there - honestly, the woman is always saying that everything is her fault; I’m
surprised that she doesn’t wear a hair shirt and regularly thrash herself with
nettles. Rooooth is all for driving there on her own, but David points out
that, in her present mood, a long drive is not a good idea and he’ll go with
her. But that means leaving Pip alone to run the farm and interview the
prospective contract milkers the following day. She tells them to go - Granny
Heather needs them.

There
is more self-flagellation next day when Rooooth rings Pip and tells her that Heather
had returned home and had fallen in the kitchen. “She’s terrified of going into
care and it’s me that’s doing it to her,” wails Rooooth, no doubt embarking on
a fresh programme of self-harming, or banging her head against a convenient
wall. Pip tells her that she is doing the right thing, and is probably thinking
“stop whining and get off the line woman - I’ve got a farm to run.”

Because
David and Rooooth are away, they will miss the big family meal, unsubtly
organised by Jill in order to bring David and Kenton back together. Kenton
wasn’t going to go, but eventually gave in after Jill, Shula, Elizabeth and
Jolene nagged him constantly. That was really the least he could do, as the
party is ostensibly to celebrate the birthday of him and his twin Shula. Having
made the decision, Kenton is overcome by a mood of - if not optimism - then a
feeling that things might not be too bad after all. Wrong! Kenton eagerly opens
a letter from the insurers and learns that, ‘due to pre-existing uninsured
damage’ the insurers are unable to begin flood-related reinstatement works
until the foundations are repaired. Kenton goes on the Net and tells Jolene
that it will cost between £30k and £50k - money they don’t have. David’s name
is mentioned, but Kenton says that he would rather cut his own throat (and
presumably cut off his own nose) than ask his brother. “This could be the end
of the road” Kenton tells Jolene, which makes his refusal to seek help from
David even more stupid and illogical.

Kate
has been working hard on her revised business plan and she is suffering from
self doubt and a lack of confidence - something which makes her, if not a more
attractive personality, then a little less detestable. She shows it to Lilian,
who is impressed. I wouldn’t read too much into this, as Lilian was the one who
helped her write the original version, which was rubbished by Brian. Adam
enters the room and interrupts the two women meditating. He and Lilian work at
boosting Kate’s confidence, with Lil telling her to believe in herself more, as
the next person who will have to examine the business plan will be Brian
(Debbie is yet to pass her opinion). What does Adam think Asks Kate? “Carpe
diem” he says and, before Lilian can ask why he is talking about the fish dish
of the day, he adds: “Believe in yourself Kate and others will believe in you
too.” Not this other, Adam.

Let’s
return to Brookfield, or rather to Hollowtree. A few weeks ago, David was
annoyed and alarmed when he saw that the Fairbrother boys had erected a tent.
They assured him that it was only temporary and how right they were - while
talking to Adam about the harvest, David points to Hollowtree and says “Is that
what I think it is?” and we learn that ‘it’ is a caravan. Later, David tells
Pip that “It’s a bit naughty of them” and she assures him that it’s only a
temporary move. This conversation takes place just before Rooooth rushes in
with the news of Heather’s escape from the care home and Pip urges her parents
to go and sort Heather out. With David and Rooooth both away, what’s the
betting that, when David and Rooooth return, the caravan is moved and the
Fairbrothers have built a four-bedroom house at Hollowtree?

Sunday, 2 August 2015

There
was a slight disagreement last week between the Fairbrother brothers concerning
Pip. Toby invites her to help walk the goslings out to their pasture the next
day and, in passing, invites her to a Game Fair in Yorkshire at the weekend.
“What, with you?” Pip asks. “Of course” says TF. To which Pip replies, rather
witheringly, “Not particularly.” Pip adds that she is not interested in game
and Toby says that’s OK - the hospitality is legendary.

Things
escalate when Pip tells TF that “there’s no way I’m getting involved with you.”
“Who said anything about getting involved?” is Toby’s response and Pip says “So
you think I’m just going to fall into bed with you, do you?” Toby protests that
his name has been blackened but Pip remarks that he’s doing a good job of doing
that himself - what about Kate? “That was just a drunken fling” Toby replies,
which was not the cleverest thing to say under the circumstances, and Pip tells
him “I don’t do drunken flings.” Toby maintains that he is just offering Pip “a
fun weekend away from all this drudgery” and begs her to consider it.

You
have to admire Toby’s persistence. After walking the goslings (with brother
Rex) he asks Pip what time he should pick her up? “I haven’t decided yet” is
her answer. Toby tells Rex that he has invited her and Rex is alarmed - he has
visions of Toby casting Pip aside like a spent match once he has had his evil
way, with serious repercussions for their set-up at Brookfield when David finds
out. Toby tells him not to worry as “all I want to do is show her a really good
time.” Rex: “I’m sure you do - that’s what’s worrying me.”

‘Please
Pip, don’t do it’ I shouted at the radio, and it looks like my prayers might
have been answered, as on Friday, Rooooth returns early from Prudhoe and
announces that Heather is doing so well in the interim care home, that she
doesn’t have to go back till Sunday. Pip promptly says that, in which case,
she’d rather stay and spend time with her mother than go to the Game Fair. Suck
that, Toby!

The
reason Pip wants time with Rooooth is that her mother says that she may be up
north till October and, of course, Pip is starting her new job in August. This
leaves David in a bit of a quandary as to what to do about the work on the
farm; his daughter will be in Brazil, his wife up in Prudhoe and Eddie
unavailable as he is doing his Capability Brown impersonation on a couple of
gardens. Even Ed will be tied up. Actually, Eddie is fast turning into Mr
Unreliable, as on Tuesday, he cries off milking at Brookfield because he ripped
a nail off on a gate. Come on man - you’ve got another nine, you lightweight.

Perhaps
David’s reluctance to hire in a contract milker stems from bitter experience -
the last time they had hired help (Eddie doesn’t count) it was herdsman Sam
Batton and Rooooth came within a gnat’s foreskin of having an affair, before he
left, frustrated and unhappy. The answer? Get a female milker in, David and let
Rooooth do the worrying. Actually, what the Archer family does decide is that
Rooooth should do the interviewing and Pip will help her write the job
description. That way, David will probably not notice requirements like ‘must
have a nine-inch long tongue and the ability to breathe through his ears’.

Again,
we wonder if there is something amiss at The Stables (see earlier post 'Instability at the Stables'?) as Alistair cries off a formal regimental dinner
with Dan. No worry - Shula can go. Or rather, she can’t, as females aren’t
allowed. She moans that the Army is pandering to hidebound prejudices and
hackneyed stereotypes - too right Shula; next they’ll be encouraging the men to
play with guns and drive tanks. Where will it all end?

Over
at Home Farm, Adam sends his mother into a tizzy when he tells her that, if
Brian gives him a hard time over the new arrangement, Debbie has told him that
the offer of a job in Hungary is still good. A distraught Jen wails “I couldn’t
bear to lose another child to Hungary!” Apart from making Hungary sound like a
fatal disease (‘I’m sorry, Mrs Aldridge, but you’ve lost another child to TB,
or, as we call it, ‘Hungary’ ‘) I’d like to point out that Adam is 48 and
probably a bit old for short trousers, white socks and sandals.

As
an aside, the best-laid plans of scriptwriters came unravelled when Charlie
invited Adam to a hospitality box at the third Test Match at Edgbaston and also
invited Ian, knowing that he hates cricket. So he might, but Ian is all for
free hospitality - not only to see how other people do it, but to stuff his
face and wind the odd drink down his neck. Charlie is a bit put out by his
acceptance, and a promising cameo was wrecked when England thrashed Australia
in three days, presumably meaning that the corporate jolly is off, unless they
sit in the box, necking the booze and gazing at an empty cricket pitch.

You
might have thought that the issue of who runs Home Farm was settled, but if so,
you underestimate Brian Aldridge. Alarmed by what he (seemingly genuinely)
perceives to be a foolhardy strategy by Adam, Brian seeks advice from Mr.
Kimberly; the lawyer who helped arrange Peggy’s finances. Brian says that he
needs to find a way of protecting the farm for his children - notably Ruairi,
on whom he is pinning his hopes of taking over, although Ruairi has shown no
interest in agriculture thus far - without alienating Adam.

Mr.
Kimberly says “So you want to keep a firm hand on the tiller, while maintaining
family harmony?” “Precisely” answers Brian, although he probably meant ‘beating
Adam into submission while giving me total control.’ Mr Kimberly comes up with
a solution and, as yet, we were not made privy to it, although Brian says “So,
I’ll be asking Adam to put his money where his mouth is? I like it” Mr. K
recommends doing it for a fixed term - if Adam’s scheme is then shown to be
losing money, the agreement can be terminated. Mr K also says that he can offer
no guarantees on the family harmony front.

And
how right he was not to - Brian speaks to Adam and tells him he’s proposing a
shared farm agreement - Adam gets no salary, but instead gets 40% of any
profits (guess who gets the other 60%?). Brian says that he has to spread the
risk and “if you want to take a gamble, do it with your money as well as mine”.
Fair enough - Brian owns 100% of the land and Adam does 100% of the work. Adam
is not over the moon at this, but it’s a ‘take it or leave it’ ultimatum. The
next day, Jennifer tells Tony about the suggestion and her mood is not helped
by Tony saying how happy he has been since handing the Bridge Farm business
over to Tom and Helen and “there’s nothing like a near-death experience for
making you realise what’s important in life.” Sounds a bit drastic to me.
Jennifer isn’t happy, saying “If Brian drives Adam away, I will never forgive
him.”

Earlier
in the week, Charlie asks for a private word with Brian - he says that he’s
been looking at the figures for Berrow Farm and there appears to be an anomaly
that he can’t find. “If the board gets hold of this, it’s my head on the block”
Charlie tells Brian, while swearing him to secrecy. We also learn, as the two
talk, that Brian ‘avoids opera like the plague’ - another activity to cross off
(see earlier posting 'Help Brian to fill the void'). Suffice it to say that,
later on in the week, Charlie has trawled through the computer data and he
tells Brian that it looks like someone has been fiddling the fertility figures.
Who’s responsible for the computer system? Brian asks. The answer is Rob
Titchener and Charlie is at a loss to know what to do.

Meanwhile,
Rob and Helen have been holidaying on the Isle of Wight, leaving Henry with Pat
and Tony. They return on Friday and Jennifer (who is still at Bridge Farm after
talking to Tony) says “My goodness - doesn’t Helen look radiant?” Helen and Rob
cannot stay and take Henry home, where they tell him they have special news for
him - while they were away they got married. “So I’m officially your Daddy” Rob
tells him. Now, am I the only one to wonder that, if Rob has really been faking
the Berrow Farm fertility data, could he not also have fiddled the paternity
test on Jess’s child?