life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say "Don't talk like that!"

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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Fear sneaks into my life and even I forget that the only thing any of us are guaranteed is “now". In an effort to push a perfectly wonderful situation into the future; I managed to induce a full-scale meltdown that opened the door for all manner of ugly emotions to slip in! Control, anxiety and panic took advantage of the fear and marched back into my life in a matter of moments and I watched myself being reduced to an unreasonable, blubbering and raging ball of doubt.

I sabotaged the peace and happiness of the moment by attempting to control and manipulate how it should look and feel like in the future. It was an ugly desperate attempt to hang on to the magic of now so I would still have it tomorrow. I cheated myself out of the joy that was available to me in that moment by allowing fear of the future to sneak into my life.

A wonderful and wise friend has given me a marvelous new gift. It gives me the power to contain the uncertainties of my future. It is an outrageous fear zapping magic wand and matching tiara! I can confirm that the magic wand works perfectly. The optional tiara is still being tested. There will be follow up reports!

Monday, July 22, 2013

My woefully overgrown back yard has been inundated with black and yellow butterflies. Never less than 10 and sometimes almost 30, but will admit they are hard to count. They are spectacular! I cannot imagine what is drawing them here, and then my dear sweet friend began pointing out the obvious and more research turned this up.

If you've got butterflies entering your life, perhaps you should look at your current situation and determine what stage you are at or what stage a particular issue is either in or moving through. That will help you decide what your next, most effective steps should be.

The fact that the butterflies in question are black and yellow is also significant. Yellow represents wisdom and black creativity. Look to your current situation from those points of view and you should be able to determine what needs your creative, wise attention.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Bucket List Time......This time I get to spend an outrageous day, and night with 2 of the most spectacular people in my life. My 2 most awesome grown men sons. I am not sure what I ever did in this life to deserve them. I could shout a million times a day, how proud I am of them and it would still not be enough! I hope one day they will realize how truly magnificent they really are!

Life moved on, and we all got so busy with our lives, jobs, wives, grandchildren. I want this chance to recapture the playing, the laughter and love we shared when we were all younger.

A Dave Matthews concert in Tampa, and looking forward to too much beer, silly booty shaking and the chance to make a whole new set of memories that I know we will giggle about forever!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Oh be still my heart, tell me this is true! This fear thing has been overwhelming recently; do not know where it came from, or how it could have possibly slipped into my life, undetected until it got such a horrendous grip on me.

Exploring new mediums, the loss of my sweet little girl kitty, pushing through and having to face some physical boundaries, and addressing, not so successfully some personal boundaries may have opened the door and let all of this fear into my life. I do not like it….I do not like it at all.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Why am I hanging on to the old proper, do good, closed self, a self that I recognize but do not like. I thought I had walked away from her to pursue a more open and accepting full life.

Why can’t I let go and truly open up?

I look back at some of my work and I see things I did not see when I was creating them. But now the message is clear and screaming at me….. let go, quit hiding, stop planning for the future, expose yourself, all of yourself, open up, open up!

All of the sudden I see my work is betraying me and screaming to the world “liar” you are not strong, confident, open and honest, you are just afraid.

A new monster has tip toed into my life! The “fixer” arrived this week! Apparently hidden way down inside of me, he beckons me to go back into time and fix the things I screwed up. He insists that fixing my past is going to make my present better.

I am working on a project for the Artists Way 2013 Summer exhibition “Deconstruction” and struggling! What seemed to be a easy topic to portray is turning out to be a more difficult subject than I had originally anticipated!

The assignment- Take apart a piece of work (preferably one of my own) then reconstruct it into a new image. Simple, right? Wrong! Why is this giving me such a hard time?

This work requires I step backwards look at and study previous and perhaps “not so great” creative decisions.

An internal argument has erupted between the “fixer” fanatically working to take apart an old piece to correct my mistakes, and me that just needs to take that old work and make something new in spite of the mistakes.

Much harder than I had originally thought, and I furiously beat back the “fixer”.

Friday, July 5, 2013

"There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can't hope. The hopers would feel slighted if they knew." — Rumi

The secret medicine is courage. Courage to let go. Courage to grab on to. Courage to see every situation for what it is, not what I want it to be, or as others might see it. Courage to accept that the ones that love me the most will never ever really understand how truly frightening this can be at times and how I chose to handle it. The courage to follow my heart is what I need more than anything.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Yesterday’s noon news included one of their “health” reports, which I typically ignore, but this one was about the glorious results that were being recorded with the cardiac stem cell clinical trials. The very same trial that 2 years ago I actively campaigned to be a part of. I was on the short list for both Johns Hopkins and Shands but after extensive and invasive testing, I was inevitably deemed “not a viable candidate” for either of the trials. I was so sure I was going to be accepted, and was emotionally devastated, by both rejections.

I have moved on, put the rejections behind me, but perhaps not as well as I thought. As the news video continued to broadcast this particular stem cell recipients glowing recovery, I found myself overwhelmed with those past feelings of elimination, anger welled up and I find myself wallowing in negativity.

I am angry, I want them to tell me, right now, why not me. Why didn’t you choose me!

The beach & flying my kite!

i want to see legal gay marriage everywhere

ROAD TRIP!!!Dave Matthews Band Tampa 2014

Take art classes-practice my craft develop more creative skills

My very first self-portrait...does not look much like me, but it has all of the right words.

Have a Sill String Fight!

Get a tattoo

tattooed my foot so I never never forget how strong I have to be! My friend thinks I should have "scared shitless" tattooed on the other foot!

i want to write a book

it is not a big book, but it is a published book! http://www.blurb.com/b/4868136-life-love-art-heart-failure-assorted-ramblings

I FINALLY graduated from college with BA in Arts Administration!

YAY......ME!!! December 2013

Swim in a Fountain! City of Casselberry...

thank god, the camera battery died!

Paint EVERYWHERE!

Painted a baby grand piano with great art friends

The Mondrian Piano! with embedded QR codes!

Dave Matthews Band concert with the boys!

and Grey Street was the encore...Woo-Hoo!

Bucket List #7 DMB with both of my boys!

Bucket List #36-C....... AND WE HAVE TICKETS 7-17-2013 we are going!

Do nude nite

And I have....2013-2014 & 2015

And I have....I have. It just gets better and more fun every year!

Nude Nite 2016

Nude Nite 2015 with the "Girls" Both pieces sold...woo-hoo!

So...I am not allowed to post these videos on Youtube...so you can access them directly on my One Drive...it will take you off of this site to watch....sorry

Nude Nite 2015

Pirates and Picasso

woo-hoo...it was awesome. click image for video

have a dirty little secret! ooo-la-la!

......and that is all I am going to say about it!

Bucket List...STILL WORKING ON IT

i want to go skinny dipping at night

i want to learn how to blow glass

Doodle on my shoes....

The Cinderella Scenario

i want to let balloon secrets fly

i want to drive a convertable on a winding mountain road

i want to NOT care what others think

i wanto to kiss with pop-rocks!

Dance on the table

I want to ride in the front of the airplaine or a limosine just once!

i want to change someone's life

they say I do....but I need to change more!

Paint Balloon darting

i want to go to an old fashion drive-in movie!

i want to see and catch fire flies!

i want to die with NO regrets

Just one amazing....

See this moon rise

and my "Core Desire Feelings"

for every situation...there is a suitable line from a song!

Headphones on

Heart of a Hero! Got myself a new "happy I am dancing my butt off song"! Woo-hoo!

After 23 years...My last Artist's Way Group

Summer 2017

Celebrate!

2016 Summer Artist Way Group Opening Reception

2016...Woo-Hoo!

Beast Feast 2016

Me, Terry, Mary & Ernie....High school buds!

Flagler Beach 2016

Yep....That's ME, too!

Purple polka dots! Woo-hoo

Dale Fox photography

Checking it out!

First Look after Open Heart Surgery 8/2015

A Different Voice..This is not about end of life, it is about LIFE!

My Guys!

at Darren's shipboard Wedding

HOLY CRAP...I am one of the top 20 art mentors in the country! Professional Artist Magazine

Such an incredible honor! Thank you!

A Woman's Heart!

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me

I finally did it...and with honors, too!

Did not go to my college graduation, BA in Arts Administration, UMASS earlier this year, but my honor society chords arrived in the mail today....what a great surprise! They are not quite as impressive without the cap and gown, but very nice to have them anyway! Thank you UMASS!

Sometimes.....I can pretend to be a responsible adult....but it rarely lasts very long!

Fine Artist Creativity Facilitator

Opening Exhibition Toast

Yes that is champagne straight out of the bottle....ooops! caught me!

Thank you 2015...

Thank you 2014!

My Dark Angel

My sculpture with an ancient Sufi Poet

If I were queen, I would....

wear my "kicking this shit happy heart crown" I made...all of the time!

Flagler Beach Summer 2014

2015 AW Install

2014 Artist's Way Celebration of Creativity

Hokey Pokey Newbie Initiation

Artists Way 2013 "HOKEY POKEY" & "DECONSTRUCTION"

Every new members of the Artist's Way Group dances the Hokey Pokey before their exhibit! Welcome to all the new phenomenal creaties I have had the honor of spending my summer with!

2014 Begins with "The Desire Map" Book Group

What a great way to begin the year!

2013 a Phenomenal Year!

2013 Artist's Way Exhibition

Leesburg Artist's Way- Umbrellas

Orlando Sentinel

Leesburg Artist Way-Umbrellas

Beast Feast

Leesburg Center for the Arts Fundraiser with my handsome Dad.

Art & Music in the Park

Pairings Leesburg Art Center

Orlando Sentinel

Cheryl Jones Evans

Sanford Herald

The Art Shows!

Pairings 2012- Leesburg

Leesburg Daily Commercial

Leesburg Art Festival Poster Artist

The Boys are Married!!

BOTH of them!

Jason & Steph

Darren & Jill

Search This Blog

The Official F#ck it Bucket List!

The Official F#ck it Bucket

#1 The TOP #1...was just upstaged by a new and ultimate #1 "Fuck it" Doctors...Tests....Doctors....Tests...Doctors offices....hospitals....make them all go away!!! PLEASE

#2 Whiners...ooooops, I may have just blown this one!

#3 Waiting Rooms...refer to #1

#4 Bible Thumpers

#5 My physical body that will not do what I want it to do! Damn!

#6 Civic Ignorance and politics...ELECTIONS.....grrrrrr!

#7 Unavoidable NAP attacks

#8 S-ICD implanted right under bra elastic....not gonna kill me but...it is like having that "hockey puck" smashed into my ribs all day it feels like I am wearing a rock in my bra...

yeee-ouch!

#9 Learning how to forgive myself...I am really bad at it! How do we learn how to metabolize hurt, grief and pain so that it becomes a good thing in our lives????