Note to readers: the first lady has graciously agreed to our offer to guest post for FMH.

Face it ladies [editor: wormons] you can go to an Ivy League school, marry a Rhodes Scholar, have five children, have a scandal-free past, even save the Olympics, but your husband can never be president. Mine is.

But this does not mean you can’t have really toned arms and wear those cute dresses [editor: note that some of them won’t cover your garments] that I get to wear.

My first bit of advice: get to the gym. I went with Barack to a Mormon campaign event once, and all those women [editor: wormons] looked like Mike Huckabee’s wife. I mean, really, just because you’ve had a few kids doesn’t mean you should let yourself go! I only spend 2 to 3 hours a day in the gym, and I’m the First Lady. If I can do it, so can you! Look, everybody knows Mike Huckabee’s a Mormon [editor: Baptist, but you see how because of the Mormon Patriarchy everybody thinks we’re part of the right-wing conspiracy?], but he at least lost some weight! He really needs to get his wife on that same diet, and you can do the same thing!

One last important bit of advice: find a good, non-controversial pastor. Barack and I learned that one the hard way!