Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Whoa. Aaay!

I was just informed via a Facebook status comment that the projected low temperature for Minneapolis this evening (negative 20 degrees) is the same as the temperature on the top of Mount Everest. I think it's as good a time as any to ask... who wants to come visit?

While you're booking your flight and consulting Wikipedia to study up on Minnesota lore, I have a story to tell you.

Remember a while back, when I decided that my trusty decade-old Saturn was perhaps self-healing and invincible? (No? You don't actually memorize every word I type? Fine then; here's a link.) Well, it turns out that the magical powers carefree whims of my car's electrical system aren't limited just to the lights within the dash panel.

One night last week my touchy-feely coworker flagged me down on my way out of the parking lot. I thought perhaps he wanted a quick hug before I left, but no, he just wanted to let me know that my right headlight was out. The last time this happened, I did what most lazy busy and important single women do: I took it in to let the Saturn service center goblins replace it. It wasn't terribly expensive, and I was overdue for an oil change and hence was going there anyway. This time, however, I decided I would replace it myself. After all, I fixed my car's air conditioner and went all Rosie-the-Riveter on my garage door springs... How hard can a light bulb be??

Figuring out how to free the light bulb from the plastic casing around it, however, requires a well-lit garage or discretionary daylight hours, neither of which I had at the moment. I put the project off until the weekend.

The next night, though, I was waiting at an intersection, and I noticed not one, but two, headlights reflected from my car onto the uncharacteristically clean and shiny (for Minnesota in road-spray season) SUV in front of me. Hurrah! My headlight was magically fixed! The Saturn IS self-healing! Brilliant! So confident was I in my car's mystical powers that when a friend inadvertently tapped my bumper and broke loose my front license plate frame on Saturday, I thought, "Eh. No worries. I'll just leave it in the front seat and surely it will reattach itself on its own when I'm not looking."

Unfortunately, it is now four days later and the license plate is still sitting forlorn in the same spot I left it. Also, waiting behind another shiny car on my way home last night, I realized I was back to one headlight again. Drat.

I tried to decide what I'd done since the light went out, reappeared, and went out again, and I formed a theory that was actually slightly more scientific than "Magic!" Last week, when I thought the light was burned out, I opened the hood to investigate how to get at it. The next day, the light was back on. Yesterday, I filled my wiper fluid when I stopped for gas. Later that night, the light was gone. I decided the force of the hood shutting must somehow be tripping the light, so I tested the theory to see. Open hood, slam shut. The light flipped on instantly. Open hood, slam shut. Darkness once again. Not wanting to walk back around to the driver's side door to release the hood another time, I gave the headlight a firm but gentle pound with the side of my fist. Happily, that worked, too.

I'm convinced now, of course, that my fist can solve any number of mechanical problems. I'm a protege of the Arthur Fonzarelli School of Auto Repair and Maintenance. Now if only I could apply this same skill to the license plate dilemma.

When I got into my car today, the people on the radio said it was -21 with a wind chill of -41. It takes me 35 minutes to get to work and my poor car never warmed up. On the upside, the weather people do say this is going to be the coldest it gets in Minneapolis this winter, so there's hope!!

Have you tried leaving a roll of duct tape or some super glue on the seat next to the license plate? Maybe the car just needs a little help. ;)

I'm very proud of myself when I manage to figure out anything car-related. Recently I deduced (through my keen powers of observation, and my reluctance to go to the mechanic until I absolutely had to) that an electrical system problem I was having intermittently that I thought was going to require the tearing open of the dash to replace a relay was actually caused by a slightly sticking ignition--a little graphite puffed inside, and we're good. For now, at least.

On the news today, they keep showing videos that people in Minneapolis sent in to their local affiliate. One woman threw coffee out of her cup and it froze in mid-air, and one guy blew a soap bubble that froze. So far, my favorite is the unpeeled banana that someone froze overnight and used to pound nails into a block of wood.

Jess--I know; that's actually what I'm worried about. A light bulb I'm pretty certain I could replace on my own. But if there's a short in there or something? Yeah, that's beyond my area of expertise. (Fonzie didn't teach me that, obviously.)

Liz--OK, HOW did you figure that out? I am duly impressed. First the refrigerator and now this. You are much handier than you let on, my friend.

Dutchess--If I put some superglue or something on it first, then I bet you're right.

Mary--Ha. Well, that I haven't tried yet. Thanks for the tip, though.

Courtney--You know, I think that might be one repair where the Fonz treatment might actually make things worse. Sorry about that.

Flurrious--OK, that is hilarious and of course I had to go look for it. The meteorologist on our NBC affiliate made a "bammer"! A banana hammer! Oh, the things we do to amuse ourselves around here...

Monkey--Sadly, no. But I'm convinced I can fix it myself. Just as soon as I can bear to be outside for longer than two minutes at a time.

The last time I had my oil changed they told me I had a brake light out. I took it home, checked it, and they were both working fine. Now I'm thinking maybe it's intermittent like yours. The electrical system in my truck does all sorts of goofy things, so I don't see why not.

I think you should aspire to be a protege of the Arthur Fonzarelli School of Cool - no one was cooler than the Fonz! On the same side of cool (but further to the left), -19 today. There's no doubt in my mind - wimps should not apply to this winter!