This is the real, behind-the-scenes drama, yes drama, that goes on in the daily life of a woman pushing every border and redifining every label.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Hate

I started to hate myself today...while I was in the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. If you want the truth of it, I have hated myself for more of my life than I have not. Sometimes I can handle it; sometimes it lays me so low. I'm reading this book, though, that has got me to thinking about self-hate. Because I can clearly acknowledge that I wasn't born with this self-hate; it was taught to me. It was a lesson learned.

And so, with that in mind, I sat with that hate for a few minutes. And I asked myself: what does it serve me now? What good does it do me now? I could hate my thighs, so round. I could hate my stomach, big old tire belly. I could hate my size, the way I look, the turmoil I am going through right now. But none of those things are ME. They are simply accessories of me. And I couldn't find a single reason to hate the me that I keep inside. So right there, in that moment, I let it go. And I felt calm.

I don't imagine that this is the cure-all moment. I imagine I'm going to have a million more moments like this one; but to have one, at least, has been ... inspirational.