Thus, we have decided to deploy our many patented Register news monitoring tentacles to unleash unto the world a regular surveillance digest of our so-called “friends”.

The resulting data will then be punched into a bespoke egghead-designed, boffin-implemented, bear-proof, top-secret, number-crunching algorithm which will spit out the statistically cast iron animal hierarchy that is The Register Zoological Supremacy League (RZSL)™.

The behaviour of the species involved in each story will be assigned or deducted points in the following Top Trumps-style categories: who won, bloodthirstiness, Ray Mears-esque will to survive, intelligence, and British pluck.

To be accepted into the database a story must a)have occurred since the last league update, and b)include direct conflict between two of the zoological categories defined below. Categories may be split and merged as breakaway factions emerge. Stories about snakes turning up in toilets, or anywhere else they shouldn't, get nil points as they've been plugging away with that strategy for years with no success.

It's been a bad start for amphibious creatures. You'd think with their D-Day-style assault capabilities they could handle themselves, but a BBC story on Tuesday reported that “vandals” had “stamped on children's frogs” at a Carlisle school. Cleary unaware of the menace to humanity from amphibians, the children at Morton Park Primary were “very distressed”.

A victory over us for the birds though. Their never ending “bird flu” wheeze, with which they have held the UN to ransom with for over a year. Reutersreports they've tricked diners in the Ivory Coast to stop eating poultry, and turn to miscellaneous mammalian bushmeat instead. Mmmm, Ebola.

Squirrels are holding up the miscellaneous mammals' end all on their own with their terrorising of Southampton students. Local newsgathering organ Wessex Scenereports that said soap dodgers are being assailed by gangs of the “mad” rodents en route to campus. One traumatised scholar sobbed: "It was horrible, I was on my way to hand in my coursework and this thing jumped off a tree branch and onto my head, now I find myself scared to return to lectures. It was difficult for me to even come here to talk to you but, well, I just feel that others must be warned before the same thing happens to them."

It seems the Homo sapiens early strategy is mostly defensive mid-tablism, soaking up attacks and mounting the occasional counter at soft targets. This week, Kiwi news service stuff.co.nz reports with the animal-related headline of the week:

Waikato cattle breeding specialist is to advertise its services by dressing cows up as prostitutes

Which says it all as far as the story is concerned, except for one further potentially disturbing detail. Marketing and communications manager for the semen seller concerned, one Hamish Bruton, refused to comment on the campaign because he “wanted it to be a surprise to farmers”.

So, based on this week's worrisome events, and an initial exhaustive trawl through El Reg's bestial bestiary, the first standings are these: