8/15/2007

A momentous occasion like the guilty plea of one Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick couldn't pass without commemorating it somehow. In the manner of the greatest songwriters... Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues", Dylan's "Hurricane", Yankovic's "Eat It"... I felt I needed to immortalize the man, the myth, the legend. Therefore, enjoy...

The Mexican Prison BluesOr: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Fighting Innocent Animals To The Deathby MDT

was a long time ago, 'bout a decade or so, first heard of a man named Vickhad a cannon for an arm and legs like an ostrich, man alive his moves were sickand he coulda been the best if he'd put 'em to the test 'cause he could really put on a showbut instead we sing the story of a different kind of glory: of a man named Mexico

whoa-oh Ron Mexicoyou could outrun any linemanbut you couldn't beat 5-0and I wont forget the daythat the SPCAfinally sacked...Ron Mexico

well we shoulda seen it coming when we saw his brother running round Blacksburg with a pieceand the time he tried to whack another man for a Big Mac we saw a fine career ceasebut Ron was never lazy and we didn't know the crazy was genetic in its rootsso we all just kept a-cheerin' and defenses kept a-fearin' mighty Ronnie's magic boots

[banjo solo]

but beneath the Falcons jersey ardent fans had cause to worry 'cause they knew a secret solemnthat Ron had to endure a very special sort of cure for a hoochie he once bottomedhis herpes was a-flarin' deep beneath the pants he's wearing every time he took the pitchalthough the league tried to hide it there was no need to deny it: south of the border Ron had an itch

whoa-oh Ron Mexicothough you weren't Limbaugh's favoriteyou could still put on a showand I wont forget the daythat the SPCAfinally sacked...Ron Mexico

trouble started mounting for Ron, who started counting all his fines and lawyer's feesfirst he gave the fans the finger then he had a scent that lingered in the airport: it was weedbut the feds noticed his gambling and for all Mexico's scrambling there was no daylight to findthey would send him to a place where halfbacks would race to hit the hole in his behind

so his friends, they were snitches, and the same as his bitches, they all went to the standbut instead of procreatin' they would be elucidatin' 'bout the Kumite he plannedpitting pitbulls and poodles, mastiffs and labradoodles fighting fiercely to the lastand if they didn't pass muster, they were cut from the roster with an Ookie shotgun blast

[mournful violin solo, accompanied by the eerie howl of junkyard dogs from the afterlife]

now remember my son, for a man like the Ron may never again comebroken in prison, he has not risen to save us from the thumbof our tireless oppressors, the alien aggressors! how could we have known Ron's worthonly he could have saved us when the canines enslaved us: giant pitbulls now rule the earth

whoa-oh Ron Mexicoyou've always been a heroeven if we didn't knowand I won't forget the day......might've been the CIA...that finally sackedRon Mexico

8/14/2007

Be sure to check out the previews-in-haiku over at Awful Announcing for this year's commentary teams. I almost feel the need to write an entire paean to Ron Jaworski for making Monday Night Football watchable for the first time in years.

Easterbrook's AFC preview went up today and... no haiku. The one column of his I can make it all the way through every year, and he doesn't bother to publish it? I'm giving him until the week before the season before I steal his shtick for myself.

6/26/2007

I was gonna mock Tank Johnson in this space this morning, but then I found out about the horrific details of the Benoit family murder-suicide and I don't really have it in me.

His ECW stint was a little before my time (before I followed ECW, really) but when I started watching Chris Benoit in WCW (his second stint) he quickly became one of my favorites. Here was a guy that was ready to take Bret Hart's mantle as the best technical guy in the game, with a wicked mean streak to boot, and the whole Kevin Sullivan / Woman angle was a classic as well (and makes yesterday's events all the sadder).

To have one of your favorite wrestlers of all time die young is sad, though unfortunately, all too common (as fans of Eddie Guerrero, Bam Bam Bigelow, Brian Pillman, Owen Hart et al. will attest). But to have him go out in a way that's just so heinous, killing his wife and kid as his last acts on earth... I just don't know what to think. In a way, I almost wish he had ODed.

Just very, very sad... from a huge fan, all my condolences to Benoit's family and friends.

(Mixed feelings aside, this is after Benoit's title win at Wrestlemania 20, still one of my favorite moments in wrestling. A little over three years later, both these guys are dead. Sad business.)