It's Monday, and Old Folks Jokes abound. Got a bunch in one email, not sure of I can incorporate into one post, but I'll try. **********************Three old guys were complaining about their bowel movements.

The first said "I'm lucky if I go once a week"

The second says, "Once a week? If I don't get an enema, I go once a month".

The third says, "You think thats bad. I go at eight oclock on the dot every day. You can set your watch by me"

The others say "What's so bad about that?" to which the third guy responds, "I don't get up until nine!" *****************Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants.' ****************************An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' ***********************************Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' ************************Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'Because she can still drive!' ***************************Three old guysare out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..' ******************Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' ***************************A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

blubelle wrote:Pattygirl, I had a really lousy day. Your jokes made me laugh when I thought nothing was funny. THANKS!!! You too sandwiches. That's why I like it here.

You are welcome, I'm glad I could help brighten your day. I'm sure sandwiches feels the same way. It sure eases the tension that's present in some of the other threads. Really sorry you had a lousy day.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visitingfrom Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and Ihappened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking fordirections to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by theother twojudges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so Iaccepted and became Judge 3."

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILIJudge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wantedto give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when theysaw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILIJudge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feelslike I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get memore beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backboneis in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGICJudge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fishor other mild foods, not much of a chili.Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unableto taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is startingto look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili anaphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVERJudge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding considerable kick. Very impressive.Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Mustadmit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, andI can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me neededparamedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that herchili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding bypouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lipsoff.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stopscreaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILIJudge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worriedabout judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided tostop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygenanyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it i n through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILIJudge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not toobold but spicy enough to declare its existence.Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mildnor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passedout, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure ifhe's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to reallyhot chili?Judge # 3 - No Report *******************

lucy wrote:Missed the second show was at the hospital emergency with my daughter and just got home, can't believe how many people were there. Daughter is OK, I guess all the test came out good, but now we have to try and find out what happen and why!

Thanks Katiedot, one of those scary mom moments, still not sure what happened, she drove herself to hospital on her way home from work. Complained of pain in her leg all day, then tingling sensation from the top of her head to her toes all down her right side, along with a sharp but brief pain in her chest, said it felt like she had been sucker punched.

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up inthe hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so itworks well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day! **************Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into arefrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions..

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old. Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.. *****************You have to love British humour! These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.8 years old.Hateful little bastard.Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .Worn once by mistake.Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the CenturyThought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly."If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" **************

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

> >An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'> >> >I'm Italian and I am a golfer', says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'> >> >'Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'> >> >'Who said my Father's dead?' > >> >The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'> >> >'He's 100 years old', says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'> >> >'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'> >> >'Who said my Nono's dead?'> >> >Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'> >> >'He's 118 years old', says the Old Italian golfer.> >> >The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'> >> >'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'> >> >At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would an 118- year-old guy want to get married?'> >> >'Who said he wanted to?'

I'm in SUCH a good mood today. Yesterday I went to Sherman's Jewelers with what I thought was costume jewelry and it turned out to be 14 karat gold, got $450 for it. Yes, money does put me in a good mood, now I can pay my car and health insurance for this month.

cindigirl wrote:I'm in SUCH a good mood today. Yesterday I went to Sherman's Jewelers with what I thought was costume jewelry and it turned out to be 14 karat gold, got $450 for it. Yes, money does put me in a good mood, now I can pay my car and health insurance for this month.

I think I'm going to have to start selling organs on the black market. Our a/c is out again. Even though the calendar says Fall, we still have days in the 80s and 90s. Why couldn't it wIt another month or two to go out again? Then The temps would be low enough that I could just wait till spring to have it serviced again.