03/01/2012

Russell Brand plans to move back to Britain to get over his split from Katy Perry. Yes, nothing takes your mind off your depression like cold weather and a recession. And the great thing about being in the UK is that Russell will only have his divorce covered in all the tabloids, so that'll really help him get some time to himself.

It's such a shame because those two had a lot in common. They were both famous for kissing girls and liking it. But apparently they split up because of a sexual issue. The Daily Star is saying that it was Russell that did the dumping.

Heck, if I married someone who was into that I'd leave them too.

Oh, they mean it was Russell who left Katy because, as they put it, "he had to endure a sex ban while Katy was on tour".

Hang on, you're saying he had to go without sex when he wife was away? The poor bloke. I'm sure Amnesty International would've stepped in if they knew.

What did he think his wife could do about this situation? Have sex with him from a different country? Even if he is remarkably well endowed I doubt he'd reach.

He moaned because he didn't get sex while he wife was away. Most husbands don't get sex when their wife is at home. At least when his wife was away he could put MTV on and see her nearly naked.

The paper says they also disagreed about starting a family; he was keen to start but she wanted to focus on her career.

He was complaining about not having sex but also wanted to have kids. Doesn't he know that sex B.C. (Before Children) and sex A.D. (After Children - when you're so tired you can't spell properly) is very different. During sex B.C. if you see a small face at the end of the bed, asking what you are doing, you invite them to join in. It's your flat mate. During sex A.D... well, no one knows. Even top scientists can't research something that happens so infrequently. They know more about Halley's comment than sex after kids.

Having children is your way of telling the world, "OK, I've had enough fun now. So, for the next two decades I will pour all my time and money into making a person who might just grow up to hate me. in fact we'd better have a large family just to increase the odds that at least one of them won't be a shit."

The amount of sex they were having was always a problem. Just five months into their marriage, Russell was quoted as saying: "I can't believe I used to have sex 20 times a week. I'm a very good gardener now."

At first it's not easy to see how gardening can be a good replacement for sex, but you get to use your dibber, plant some seed, and sometimes you get your hands on a hoe.

If gardening is the antidote to sex can you imagine what Charlie Dimmock would've been like in a different job?