Acceptable Christmas decorations

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone (what a redundant phrase), it’s finally acceptable to begin decorating your house in celebration of the birth of our Lord. Because really, what says, “I love you Baby Jesus,” more than Alvin and the Chipmunks?

The three wise men?

Lucky for you, faithful readers, I’ve provided a handy guide to the “dos” and “don’ts” of Christmas decoration. Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be the envy of the neighborhood.

Do:
Use icicle lights. Everyone knows that Jesus spent his days performing miracles at the North Pole (cured North Polio?). While we might not be able to accurately recreate a manger scene in the front yard (camels won’t stay still), we can still do our best to make it look like the weather outside is frightful.
Northerners: Draping lights over icicles is not an acceptable substitute.Icicle lights: classier than a bow-tie

Don’t:
Be Jewish. Seriously, nobody wants to see blue lights on their annual neighborhood Christmas light tour. It’s a bit of a buzzkill. I need some more eggnog just thinking about it.
If you just have to deny the legitimacy of the New Testament (which is WAY less boring than the Old one) just don’t decorate at all. It’s worked for the Muslims and Asians for years. However, this does not give you a free pass to skip out on handing out Halloween candy.

Do:
Use colored lights sparingly. Christmas lights are like a bowl of Lucky Charms. While the colorful marshmallow bits seem attractive (and chewy), the white whole grain pieces tie it all together. Adding some red or green lights to the bushes and trees can be a nice touch. Just don’t overdo it, or you’ll end up with a cavity.This analogy was pretty forced, huh?

Don’t:
Get upstaged by the neighbor. This is the most important rule of all. Even if it takes a Clark Griswoldian effort, the look on that schmuck’s face when he sees he’s been outdone AGAIN will make it all worth it. He might have a younger wife, nicer car, and better paying job, but he sure as hell doesn’t have Santa popping out of an inflatable chimney on his front lawn. Advantage: Probably still him, but it’s a little closer.

I wish you all the best of luck in your decorating endeavors. The reader who creates the best snow sculpture of Motney, Scotty, or myself in their yard, will receive a free one-year pass to be our friend (on Facebook). Photographic proof is required for entry.

I’d also like to advise that putting an inflatable snowman on your lawn is not a proper substitute for real decorating. It is being lazy. You may be punished accordingly:

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