Sylvester Stallone would like for us to all shut up, please: "This is in reference to the speculation and questionable reporting surrounding the death of my son Sage. Because when a parent loses a child there is no greater pain. Therefore I am imploring people to respect my wonderfully talented son's memory and feel compassion for his loving mother Sasha, because this agonizing loss will be felt for the rest of our lives. Sage was our first child and the center of our universe and I am humbly begging for all to have my son's memory and soul left in peace." You got it, dude. Heartfelt condolences. [CNN]

Charlie Sheen has donated $250,000 to the USO, "to help them continue with their mission of providing troops and their families with live entertainment to lift morale and help rehabilitate those injured in combat." He has also pledged to donate 1% of his profits from his new series Anger Management, which is expected to bring his total donation to $1 million. "It is the largest single contribution the USO has ever received from an individual." This is great and all, but remember how Charlie Sheen is terrible? Can we stop hiring him to do stuff for like five minutes? [ContactMusic]

George Clooney, Stacy Keibler, Channing Tatum, and Jenna Dewan recently rode around on a boat together being better than you. Cloonz and Keebz treated Tater 'n' the Dew-Dew (you can tell I'm close bros with them because we use nicknames) to an anniversary boat ride near Cloonz's villa on Italy's Lake Como. Then, "Keibler posted a pic on Instagram of her, Tatum and Dewan driving in a car with the message, 'Magic Mike storms Italy :).'" Anyone who tells you that being rich isn't better than being poor—that they just have "different" problems—is a disingenuous fuck trying to lull you into complacency. BEING RICH IS WAY BETTER. [E!]

Russell Brand has a new girlfriend! Her name is Isabella, she's Jordana Brewster's little sister, and I'm certain they will be together forever. A source says, "Isabella and Russell have a lot in common. They are both in recovery and totally into yoga, so they have definitely found common ground. They are really enjoying spending time together. Isabella really likes Russell and loves dating famous people, but she knows that he is a ladies man so she is trying to play it cool." On a related note, I interviewed Russell Brand once, and he said, "Dew yew wont t'touch me on me chest undah m'sheeehhhht?" AND I DID. [Radar]

Reportedly devastated about the recent break-up of his dad, Tom Cruise, and step-mom, Katie Holmes, 17-year-old Connor Cruise set sail to tell his secrets to the sea. Or, more specifically, he and some friends rented a pontoon boat and "puttered around between noon and 2 pm." Fun! When reached for comment about his maritime adventure, Connor said, "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!" Real talk. [Us]

Robert Pattinson wore a wig or something (I tried reading past the first sentence but accidentally fell asleep and awoke in the year 3014 and had to take a time machine back here to finish this Dirt Bag in case you thought I never did anything for you). [People]

Jason Kidd is pleading not guilty to DUI charges, despite the fact that when police found him he "smelled heavily of an alcoholic beverage," was "very unsteady on his feet," had "bloodshot and watery eyes," refused a Breathalyzer, and had driven his SUV into a utility pole in the middle of a forest. [DailyIntel]

Michael Bay is going to executive produce a series for TNT entitled The Last Ship, which is about—duh—global catastrophe. Write what you know, Bay. Write what you know. [HuffPo]

Rachael Leigh Cook still exists, and she looks adorable!!! [JustJared]

Jon Lord, founding keyboardist for Deep Purple, has died at age 71 after a long battle with pancreatic cancer. [MTV]

I'm pretty sure that most photos and videos of Willow Smith contain subliminal codes designed to trigger deadly mission instructions inside the brains of child-soldier sleeper agents. But not this one. This one is adorable. [E!]

The guy from Passion Pit is canceling shows in order to work on his "mental health." [DigitalSpy]