Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket

Fantasy Sports

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis.

CINCINNATI—Surprising many with his impeccable fundamentals and intense style of play, sources at the Elm Street YMCA confirmed Thursday that a 55-year-old man is absolutely dominating the competition at the gym’s evening pickup basketball game.

LINCOLN, NE—According to a comprehensive new study published Wednesday by the University of Nebraska, the vast majority of Major League Baseball games are played between the Minnesota Twins and the Oakland Athletics.

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Moments after receiving their Super Bowl XLIX championship rings at team owner Robert Kraft’s home earlier this week, sources confirmed that New England Patriots players and coaches were horrified to find that the rings caused their fingers to instantly shrivel up and turn black.

IOWA CITY, IA—According to a report released Wednesday by the University of Iowa, 87 percent of Americans are currently unaware that they have been selected in the later rounds of the 2015 Major League Baseball Draft.

Cleveland Cavaliers backup point guard Matthew Dellavedova received high praise after shutting down reigning MVP Steph Curry in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Is he any good?

SAGINAW, MI—In a journey that will take him thousands of miles across the country, local baseball fan Patrick Lund, 32, revealed to reporters Friday that he is currently attempting to visit the home of every single Major League Baseball player in a single season.

ZURICH—Following a massive U.S. Department of Justice indictment alleging that high-ranking members of the global soccer organization conducted widespread financial fraud, sources confirmed Thursday that underpaid migrant laborers are currently working roughly 18 hours a day preparing FIFA’s legal defense.

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

MILWAUKEE—In what was sure to be a night they will remember for the rest of their lives, a group of excited Brewers players stayed after the team’s game against the White Sox Thursday evening to go onto the field and run the bases at Miller Park, sources confirmed.

WASHINGTON—Taking a brief moment to mentally prepare for any number of potentially disturbing or utterly heartbreaking stories, millions of Americans reportedly steeled themselves Wednesday before clicking on a news article about a 55-year-old former NFL player.

CHICAGO—Claiming that the franchise is now on the brink of finally achieving something truly great, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace expressed his confidence Tuesday that the team has the right pieces in place to trade quarterback Jay Cutler.

TAMPA BAY, FL—Noting that his phone’s voicemail has been almost single-handedly filled by the rookie quarterback, Tampa Bay Buccaneers general counsel David Cohen confirmed Friday that he has already received 26 missed calls from Jameis Winston.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following the release of an independent investigation implicating him in the New England Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal, quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference Thursday during which he staunchly denied all allegations while repeatedly referring to himself as the “Golden Boy.”

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

MIDDLETON, WI—Spending the first 15 minutes of class providing an overview of the game’s litany of complicated rules, local ninth-grade gym teacher Marcus Hartwell invented an elaborate sport Friday using just foam cubes, scooters, and plastic...

BRISTOL, CT—Noting that they had continued watching various games with the hope that something noteworthy would eventually happen, millions of sports fans expressed their disappointment Friday after an entire week passed without a single athlete mak...

PHILADELPHIA—Days after being signed to a one-year contract with the Eagles, quarterback Tim Tebow admitted to reporters Wednesday that firmly ingraining himself in Philadelphia’s charity scene probably constitutes his best shot of remaining w...

DAYTON, OH—Saying the team had been crippled by its owner's decision to allow his personal life to interfere with his managerial responsibilities, sources confirmed Thursday that local fantasy baseball squad Show Me The Moneyball suffered a major se...

STAFFORD, VA—Broadening his search to include anyone he knows with even a remote interest in sports, local 29-year-old Jeff Ludwin plumbed the furthest depths of his friend circle while attempting to find a 12th participant for his fantasy baseball ...

WASHINGTON—After an NFL investigation revealed that 11 of New England’s 12 game balls were under-inflated during last weekend’s AFC Championship Game, Americans across the nation announced Wednesday that they would love—absolutely ...

ALBANY, NY—Having barely lost in the championship game against his former college roommate, local 28-year-old Tim Beaumont, a man who spent roughly 300 hours playing fantasy football this year, was reportedly rewarded for his efforts Tuesday with a ...

ROSELAND, NJ—Noting that most of his friends have now paid him the $20 they each owed him, local 29-year-old Matt Fanelli confirmed Friday that he is almost done collecting the full $200 prize from winning his “Cowher’s Stache” ESP...

LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying that he rarely takes on similar responsibility for the litany of issues in both his personal and professional life, sources close to local 31-year-old Timothy Peterson confirmed Tuesday that his fantasy football team’s per...

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—With continued controversy surrounding the awarding of the 2022 World Cup, fresh reports of bribery and corruption surfaced Friday after it was revealed that the tournament had been moved from original host country Qatar to the b...

NOVI, MI—Ignoring the ever-looming specter of his own mortality, sources confirmed that local web designer Spencer Krone devoted a rapidly fleeting portion of his finite life Thursday evening to participating in a mock draft for his Yahoo!

Fantasy football leagues across the country are gearing up for the NFL season. Here are some tips for hosting the perfect fantasy football draft. Be sure to tidy up a bit before allowing 11 overweight, increasingly intoxicated men to rampage throu...

CHICAGO—Competitors in Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football league Super Bowl Shuffle expressed concern Thursday about the mental state of league member Evan Reeves, whose choice of team names over the past five years reportedly paints a picture of a man ...

NEW YORK—Seemingly staring into the depths of the very future itself, prophetic CBS college basketball analyst Verne Lundquist reportedly harnessed an unfathomable power Thursday, providing a glimpse of the 2013 NCAA Tournament’s fate by foret...

SAN JOSE, CA—Two weeks into the 2011 Major League Baseball season, 27-year-old Fred Romero has already begun complaining about the amount of time it takes to manage his fantasy baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday.

BROOKLYN, NY—Mark Mendicus, 26-year-old Staples employee and principal owner of the fantasy baseball team Beat With Uggla Stick, blasted his underperforming team in the media Monday, going so far as to single out individual players,...

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CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews.

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Fantasy Sports

Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket

JOPLIN, MO—Expressing frustration over being “hounded nonstop,” 28-year-old junior analyst Harrison Jacobsen complained to reporters Wednesday that his boss at Baines Marketing has been all over his ass about completing his NCAA March Madness bracket. “Brad’s been riding me all week about this damn thing,” Jacobsen said of his supervisor, who has reportedly checked in several times a day to keep track of his progress on entering a bracket into the office’s ESPN.com tournament pool. “The deadline isn’t even until tomorrow, so I don’t get why he’s getting all bent out of shape about it. It’s like, ‘Get off my fucking case, man. I’ll get it done.’” At press time, Jacobsen had filled out his bracket in 30 seconds by picking completely random teams.