Sunday, 6 June 2010

Swearonautics

"In camp at Kill Devil Hills, they suffered weeks of delays caused by broken propeller shafts during engine tests. After the shafts were replaced (requiring two trips back to Dayton), Wilbur won a coin toss and made a three-second flight attempt on December 14, 1903, stalling after takeoff and causing minor damage to the Flyer. (Because December 13, 1903, was a Sunday, the brothers did not make any attempts that day, even though the weather was good.) In a message to their family, Wilbur referred to the trial as having "only partial success", stating "the power is ample, and but for a startling gust of what looked like red mist blowing me off course and causing me to stall, the machine would undoubtedly have flown beautifully. Orville swears that this and all the other troubles we've experienced that have been such a source of consternation are the work of Satan. I told him to stop being a big gay and build me a better fucking aircraft.""Excerpt from the Wright Brother's Wikipedia entry

Satan hates planes. We may as well come straight out with it. He hates them. He always has, and shows no signs of changing his mind. He doesn't really like anything that can fly, for you'll find that he is terribly jealous when you get to know him and has always been envious of God's angel's abilities in the air. It might be something to do with his subterranean demenour. The big man down below has a range of hell's denizens to call upon but few have any decent flying ability, even the ones with wings can only really muster a crappy glide from fiery rock to fiery rock. But then aeronautics and living underground have never gone hand in hand.Beelzebub was always pretty chuffed that humans couldn't fly, it meant we were further away from heaven and also couldn't escape from him if he decided to come up and molest us. So it was a massive blow to his Unholiness when at the start of the 20th Century flight was invented. The inventors must have known of his hatred of their aspirations and so developed their dickhead aircraft in a town that Native Americans had cast spells on to keep all that is unholy out; Kill Devil Hills.

Pictured - Our least favourite town.

Lucifer has kept up a pretty successful campaign of hate and violence against the aeronautics industry since its inception, downing many early planes through possessing mechanics and ensuring they do crap metalwork and engine production. However people are more cynical now and Satan can't possess folk as easily anymore. He's had a couple of sucess stories of recent, for example this one time in 2001 where he got some guys to crash some planes into some buildings or something I think, but nobody really took notice. Planes are still out and about en masse pissing him off.We've actually had more sucess than him, as you may remember earlier this year we baptised a volcano for the dark lord which grounded all western European air traffic, we got some badass medals for that particular endeavour.

Another problem we face in the eradication of aircraft is the increased knowledge all pilots have in defence against the dark arts. No pilot will admit to learning about this but they all do. They learn it in secret pilot school. Secret pilot school is exactly like normal pilot school but they all huddle round their teacher and he whispers the lesson to them whilst others keep watch in case any non-pilots come over to see whats up. At that point they start talking a load of fake pilot shit about windspeed and propellors and what their favourite cloud shapes are.

Pictured - Pilots having a secret lesson. Note the two lookouts pretending to be all chill.

So how can we battle these marvellous men in their flying machines?

Well one way is running around on the ground, shouting insults at them and throwing them the horns/giving them the finger.

At least this is the directive we've been sent from HQ (in hell), so far we're told it has an extremely low success rate and the only way to get the success rate up is to do it more. I think the logic is that if we get everybody down there out in the field doing it, eventually a plane will crash and we can chalk it up as being due to our efforts.

It's not excellent logic, but then excellent logic has always been somewhat abhorrent to our minds.

These are just two pictures of what so far has been a straight 72 hours of work.

We're very tired, planes are faster than running satanists.

We were told not to wear our capes because the pilots (knowledgable as they are in the dark arts) may spot us and fly in the opposite direction or something. However not having our capes on has sapped our powers to a degree and as such we haven't been the cause of even one plane crashing.

We're heading to Stansted tomorrow though, wish us luck.

Have you been affected by this post or the themes within it? Have you also had an unexplainable hatred of planes from a young age? Is a member of your family both a pilot and somebody you consider to be an uncontrollable turdcloth? Or do you just have a problem with Native American wizards casting spells that have locked you out your house? Get in touch with us and we will do our best to provide sound counsel!