Category: Favourites

Trying all I can,
All I have in the past,
To find feeling,
But left empty,
Do not know why,
Despite what I try.

Fighting the world’s emptiness,
Raging to try,
Raging to find life.

Trying all I have before,
To find.
To try.

To try and feel,
To try and be.
Left to spiral.

Living by the distraction,
One moment at a time.

But oh well,
Living in the pain of unfeeling.

As I rage and try to make it through.
Living with the peaceful crashing of the waves.
Trying.
Trying all I can.

Feeling so lost,
And unsure, why this is.

One thought brings slight comfort, feeling,
And even this,
Cannot disrupt the emptiness right now.
But I try, I try,
To feel.
To try and see.

The songs that play, of life.
A life, captured in music.
I try.

Even this,
May not be enough,
To cease my mind’s spiral.

But I try.
I have to try.
It’s all I got.

This sad song.
Trying to find,
Trying to see.
To know,
To be.

But I’m left lost.

It’s been a better day, but I still feel empty, lost. Maybe it’s because I still need a recovery period. But I really don’t know.

I really feel I’ve lost something recently, don’t even know what.

Even what I’ve always known could help isn’t working. Did some photography which was nice, but still, empty. Lost. Hurt. Not even knowing. That’s the worst bit. Not knowing. Feeling lost. Feeling a bit was lost.

Before I could write poetry and blow off steam and get back to a recovery, but this time is different and don’t even know how or why.

Memories from the present,
Reminders of a past,
So alien,
So full of demons,
Me.

As the times flow past.
Bringing perspective,
Sadness,
Being.

Times stuck.
For others,
As I find myself,
Chained.

Anger, sadness, pain, memories.
Wanting to push away.
So I,
Can slip away unknowingly.
Just to be.
To make what I want.

Having knowingly erased,
Most of my past,
My childhood.
Always remember,
But suppress,
Hide from view,
For myself and others.
The time erased.
The time I have burned from view.

Living in the moment,
With the reminders,
The scars, fresh and old.

Fragile flesh,
Tree rings,
Marking the times,
For the living.
All that’s come and to bring.

All the scars from wars fought,
Wars of the world and mind,
Scars from the battlefield called life.

Spent just under 12 hours asleep. Was kinda peaceful, spent a lot of time not thinking, unconscious. Nightmares concerning work, but only a bit, luckily once asleep, even nightmares seem disjointed and not connected to reality and hence they’re easier to cope with. It’s just the nightmare, and not a long list of memories.

When I finally left the house, just for a cig after a stressful week, a song came on, one I haven’t heard in a while. Reminded me of some times in secondary school, half my lifetime in the past, reminding me, being cheeked, always the unceasing memories. But they weren’t too bad. So far in the past. But always clear, I could take a boat home and go straight to that room even now, half a lifetime in my past.

Feeling calmer, empty but calmer. I probably needed this despite wishing I had done some photography but had no motivation today. Hopefully after a week of 6ams I can do some everyday, hoping the week can get better, even one good day seems like quite the ask so far.

But we’ll see.

Thinking of how far I’ve come, much further than I thought. Much further. Also reminds me of depression in secondary school and my promise to myself that I wouldn’t make it to my 23rd birthday. I can’t believe I’ve made it to 20, not by choice but yeah. We’ll see. Oh well.

Reminds me of my promise to my best friend, that they don’t have to worry about me, I’m existing, not by choice, but unfortunately just stuck, so everyone doesn’t have to worry, apart from me, stuck in existence, but not by choice. But yeah.

The many times,
Lying awake,
Thinking, hurting.
I remember them all.
Scars etched into my mind.

Breaking me down.
Piece by piece,
They all shatter.
They all shatter.
I shatter.

But I must stop somewhere.

So I exist.

Feeling tortured, always in the mind.

Living in my mind, the thing that comes closest to describing it is the punishment of Prometheus, chained to a rock, to have a giant bird peck and eat his liver, only for it to recover overnight and to happen all over again the next day.

Everything, the mind, thinking, can’t be bothered to do anything, just existing is too much effort.

It’s the mind more than anything, swirling thoughts, no peace, just reliving, unable to ignore or get away from. Just remembering. Hurting. Wanting it to stop. Wanting my mind to stop.

My mind, a prison.
Always,
Not understanding.
Painful.
Horrible.

Autism sucks.
It’s a prison you can never escape from.
Trying, in vain as life passes.

Trying, a world throwing all it has.
It gets too hard.

My life, can be summed up.
By; always trying, always failing.

Everything, misunderstanding, pain, hurt.

With my studies I had a goal, always trying so hard, but always failing. Haven’t had a grade I’ve been pleased with in my whole schooling life.
Moving country even, it was a trial, is a trial, taking a more difficult road. But I tried. I tried.

Not even knowing anymore really.

Everything people say,
Hurting,
Everything I do,
Hurting.
But I tried. All I could do.
And the world reminds, it means nothing.

Looking back on life, memories of all, and it just hurts.

Every moment, memory, shining like a dark star.
Many, leading up to Uni and difficult times to even attend, times during, many, and many times in childhood. And a memory flashes before me. Sitting under my diningroom table, as a kid, must’ve been like 6, hurting, and biting so hard down on my hand till drawing blood. Just to feel. Funny, this, this dying life.

Just want to write, write and write. All the incoherent thoughts. A few hours and I’m still not done. But have to end somewhere.

I’ve gotten so far, and yet, still, nothing.

I really, really, really don’t want to stop writing. It’s the only thing I can right now. But no.

There It is,
The path that is to be seen,
Amongst the unknown,
I can find.
I can be.

Not knowing my path,
Finding a knowing,
One that sets me free.

Seeing the world,
Seeing its normalcy,
Content,
Being and to be set free.

A path seen,
Amongst its lack of clarity.
The place found.

Finding and set free.
Set free by the casual.

Finding to be.

As the world,
Rings out.
Its confusion,
Trying to find a path,
Make a trek,
Finding,
A path,
To find,
To be,
Me.

Let it all.
Just be.
Letting it ring past.

Amongst the calm night.
It is, let be.
As I, let it be.

It’s been a good day, did a lot of photography, sorted plans for more and plans for doing my own independent research and as one of my lecturers suggested, sending a revised and added-to essay I wrote for them to a journal. Don’t have enough time, but as always I’ll make time. Also my best friend, we chatted a little today, and I’m looking forward to spending their birthday with them!

Just wrote a comment on my favourite photographer nearby’s social media.

My true aim is, to capture beauty in normalcy. Not having to go somewhere exotic or far away, you can find beauty, inspiration and pristine bliss wherever you are. You just have to look. Even if it is hard, you just have to let your mind look.

To feel,
Be,
Validated, without intention,
Making, what was real,
More so,
A burden lifted.

Helped through the time,
To keep,
Defiance by my name.

To hold truth,
To rage and be,
To understand and feel,
Allow the pain to be real,
To heal over,
Make true.

To be.

To allow,
To heal,
Defiantly,
To rage into the pain of life.
To remember the strife,
Caused.
Broke me,
To allow me to see.

Thank you,
With all my gratitude.

Bringing forth a flame to burn bright.
Letting me see, see and see again.

There are none.
No words to express.
Words to the feeling.

Hung out with my best friend I haven’t seen in ages. They apologised for not being able to meet up, not making time. Truth is I avoided it. Needed to sort stuff out. Finally got to see them and feeling a world better.

One thing I said, they thanked me, for putting the words to the feeling, something they didn’t know how to put. And hearing that lit me up inside. Happy to help, understand and be understood. Helped to validate pain I felt without seeking, needing or wanting it.

Amazing day, work was hectic but got stuff done, felt a bit bad at work, just my mind, always trying my best and never being good enough as I want, even if others don’t think that. I do, always wanting to be better. Then seeing my friend was amazing in the silliest and mundane things but was amazing. Seeing another friend in the evening.

Knowing,
And trying through the darkness,
To be in place,
To find my time.

Trying to be.
One step at a time.

Trying, writing, speaking.
Out in the world.

Letting the world speak softly,
Whispers of pain,
Memories of torture,
It’s all the same.
In my step by step.

As the world speaks,
I trying,
Facing it all.

A tear,
Shed because I am tired.
But once again,
Step by step down this road I tread,

Making this path,
Trying,
To be,
Despite the pain of the past.

Taking this path.
One step at a time.

First day I haven’t been going out in like a week. Finally can write. Has been really stressful and the last couple of days really good. Today’s been good. Happy with friends I work with, happy and needed this time, a lot of times with friends and drinking.

Cold inside,
Always so cold inside,
I try to see past, but only shown wrong,
The colours always fade,
When I only try.

It digs,
Pierces, tears and hurts.

Now unflinching, I just watch.
I die and hope,
Let go and fade.
Hurt and leave another day.
Wanting silence,
To cry, leave and die.

Just to sit here,
Let to fate.
Left to pain by realisation,
Shown true colours.

I saddened by humanity’s face.
Its uncaring, manner.
One looking down at pain,
The outstretched hand,
A laugh?

Such to be expected now,
After hoping,
Hoping for kindness,
But wrong,
Knew I was wrong,
Guessed I was wrong.
Shown I was wrong.

As the skin won’t tear,
My mind forces,
Wills it.

The mind’s silent wait,
All unfeeling,
Don’t feel like eating as the body asks,
Not even existing,
Waiting for unconsciousness to claim me,
Sleep a redeemer,
It can claim, but never long enough.
Before I wake,
Thrown into pain again.

I can’t even remember,
To grasp a sliver of happiness,
I remember, people,
I remember pain,
I remember being used.
And I die everytime.

Memories cutting,
Slashing and hurting.

It’s so cold,
Everyone,
Always reminded.
Even as I try to believe,
People can show kindness,
Like I try.
Then I see the truth.
The truth that it’s so cold inside.

Writing, having an earlier night than usual, healthier? No, just fucking can’t be bothered to be conscious any longer. Hurtful, how hurtful people can be. Late night chats to make sure someone’s okay, to cheer them up or at least show someone understands, joke around and all sorts of shit. As always, as to be expected, as always experiences. I’m just left here, feeling used again. Wondering why I bother, but unfortunately I don’t do it for something in return hence I will do it again, get used again, get hurt again. Constant torture. Until my mind goes numb but feeling.