Unsolicited Advice: Quick Draw

Whenever you wade through the shallows of WS Confessions, I hope you realize that the degenerates posting these words are your classmates, acquaintances on campus — hell, maybe even a distraught adjunct or two. The point is, this is your community. And that should make you nervous.

1.) “I cut my head pretty bad today I don’t have insurance so I cleaned it out with Jameson and slapped a band aid on it. Being a millennial is the tits.”

That’s not the behavior of a millennial — which, speaking on behalf of my neurotic cohort, would’ve been to climb down the WebMD rabbit hole until you were up to your eyeballs in the symptoms and complications associated with intracerebral hemorrhages. What you did made John Wayne smile in his grave. The ghost of John Jameson is smiling too, but he’s eternally half in the bag and doesn’t know why.

2.) “Everyday I walk around the little food market inside the union and discreetly fart on all the food.”

That is more inexcusable than Eric Trump’s face. I’m at a loss for what to say. But, hang on, your behavior is ringing a bell. What does it remind me of? Oh, that’s it — I read an article recently that explained why chimps fling feces at one another. The Jane Goodall wannabes at Emory University’s primate research center found that it’s actually a high-order behavior in chimps associated with more brain development around the motor cortex and the Broca’s area, so good news, you’re almost as smart as a real person. Congratulations!

A man pulling a book of the shelf at Weber State's library might find a surprise. (GraphicStock.com)

3.) “I take naked Polaroid pictures of myself and put them in books at the library.”

I think it’s all about context. I mean, if you’re hiding them in books that only creeps are going to check out (“Let’s Go Play at the Adams’” and “Pet Cemetery” come to mind), then maybe you’re doing a good thing — I mean, how else is the poor fella in the trench coat and clashing fedora ever going to get such a thrill outside the interwebs. But then again, if you’re hiding them in “Green Eggs and Ham,” you should probably rot in a solitary cell in ADX Florence, you know, where the supermax felons go. Luckily, your fingerprints are all over the pictures because you used Polaroid, you silly boho goose. Now that you mention it, I think I may have picked up a book with your picture in it. I just thought it was an “Attack on Titan” bookmark.