10. Turn your house into a gym
Jogging up the staircase, press-ups off the window ledge, chin-ups from the door frame. Christ, it’s just like Linda Hamilton when she’s locked up in that mental home in Terminator 2. Except, of course, that Linda Hamilton didn’t break all her ribs when ‘bench-pressing the sofa’ went a bit wrong.

9. Explore the darker depths of online pornography
Just what kind of sick bastard do they make this stuff for? Who in their right mind would get off on this filth? How does that even fit in………wow. That’s………incredible.

8. Read OK! or HELLO! magazine
So that’s what a women goes through during her period. I knew that guy in the boy band was gay. Maybe I should start using anti-wrinkle cream.