Leap Day Isn’t a Real Day

This project is turning out to be harder than I previously thought. I had to write up my review of The Walking Dead, then I spent the extra day being anxious over whether it was good enough for my liking. I also don’t care for Leap Day. It’s just an extra day in the year to fuck even more shit up. Then there was the whole “I have to vote tomorrow!” thing. While I’m on that subject:

If you live in a state where your primary is today, go vote. People died to give you that right. The most responsible thing you can do is to show up and vote for someone. Remember that shitty politicians are elected by people who don’t vote, so you really do make a difference.

Just be sure whoever you’re voting for is someone you wouldn’t mind dating if looks were of no importance to you. I say that because there’s not one single attractive person in this election. If you couldn’t see yourself dating any of them, you still need to vote. Maybe look at who you could imagine giving your eulogy at your funeral. If that doesn’t work, print out their pictures, play spin the dildo, and see who it lands on.

The point is, get out there and vote. It matters, even in the primaries. Someone, somewhere died so that you could do so. You kind of owe it to him/her. Also, if you ask nicely, perhaps their spirit will guide that dildo to a really super candidate who wins and make a huge positive difference in all of our lives. You never know.

LEARN

Because I didn’t have much time to delve into anything yesterday, I took the time to think up some questions for my smart phone. Let’s see what kinds of answers I get, shall we? I’m not even going to fact-check these things.

The air from a human sneeze travels at an average of 100 miles per hour more.

Air leaves your body during a cough at up to 50 miles per hour.

The average erect human penis is 5.6” long with a 4.8” circumference. Oh. Here’s to dating above-average men!

Ejaculate travels at an average of 10 miles per hour.

That’s all I could think to ask it last night as I sat in the bathtub with my beer, pondering the next stage of my game and who I was going to vote for.

TRY

Trying new things is going to be limited mostly to products during the week and last night was no different. I know it’s not exciting, but I’m just a regular girl with a regular life. Maybe I’ll buy a new vibrator this week and we can have something fun to discuss.

I have naturally curly hair. If I don’t put any product in it at all, I wind up with hair similar to Gilda Radner’s Rosanna Rosannadanna.

If I put too much in it, it’s crunchy and wiry. If I flat iron it, it just kind of sits there. If I flat iron then use a big curling iron, it takes forever, but it looks decent and it’s soft, but it’s so much work, and truthfully, I’m too lazy for that unless there’s a chance I might get laid.

I have always used mousse, but I bought something I thought I’d try out and see how it went. So, I bought this:

First of all, this smells like lemons! It’s a fantastic scent and it made me want vodka. Don’t judge me. Vodka with lemonade is one of the greatest gifts int his world. It certainly would have improved my evening. Anyway… I learned very quickly that you need less than ¼ of the amount you’d use of this shit if it was mousse. It’s really thick and coats your hair pretty completely. I will admit to being a bit unsettled by how thick it was. (Not the first time I’ve ever thought that either). I did my usual, scrunch, tossle, go about my evening. Every now and again, I scrunched while on the move. I didn’t bother to look at it because I’d be going to bed shortly and I’d see it when I went to brush my teeth.

When I finally got in front of the mirror, I was shocked. Strictly curls? Curl enhancing? No. This wasn’t even curly. It was kind of wavy, yet frizzy with no real shape and just not right. It’s a damn good thing I’m sleeping alone these days. I put it up in my usual pony tail and climbed into bed. I’d check it out in the morning.

I get up. It’s primary election day. I don’t have a lot of time here and…Oh, what the fuck? I now look like I have a poodle who’s been stuck in the rain living on my head. I take a deep breath and get out my little spray bottle. This has some fancy mixture in it that works like Febreze for my hair and refreshes the product so I can restyle in about 45 seconds. NOT TODAY. This shit in my hair was like cement. I couldn’t even get my fingers through it. I was trying so hard to get out of the house early so that I could vote and here I was going to have to wash my hair again. I didn’t prepare enough coffee for this.

Needless to say, I won’t buy this again. I’ll try using it differently, maybe more, maybe less. Maybe I’ll have to blow dry it. But I’m telling you, if you want carefree and easy, this shit isn’t it. You’d have better luck getting a guy to jizz in your hair several times and… No, wait. Don’t do that. That’s an entirely different kind of cement in your hair and you don’t want that either. Back to the drawing board.

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2 thoughts on “Leap Day Isn’t a Real Day”

I’m also not a big fan of Leap Day. I think they should make it every 50 years. Hopefully once I retired and don’t care what day it is. I’m really confused about who to vote for. Can I just vote for vice president this time?

You trying hair care products is 2nd only to you trying new tampons in usefulness for my daily life. My shampoo is likely to expire before I finish a bottle. I last owned a comb in 1995.

The ejaculate speed seems low. Did someone measure this with that SnapChat thingie? I mean, you don’t want it to be 100mph like a sneeze and have it fly across the room. But that seems like the boys should put some more effort into getting in shape.