Wonkie welcomes you to 2016! The year has just begun and all indications are that it’s going to be a positively eventful one, at least in South Africa:

the Rand has been identified as a strong candidate for the national Olympic diving team;

the heat wave is ensuring that solar power is thriving (although it’s unlikely to shed the load off any Eskom incompetence);

clear skies will likely create a huge influx of British tourists (although granted the water shortages might make them a bit smelly);

freedom for the people of South Africa continues to grow (especially from consequences); and most importantly

local racial harmony is increasing by leaps and bounds.

And that was just week one of 2016.

Wonkie has long suggested that some form of real catharsis is required in South Africa for true healing to begin: you know, a means by which people can get all their hatred expressed, and out. Unfortunately, Nelson Mandela in his infinite wisdom opted for a more peaceful, re-conciliatory approach in 1994 and this has evidently set South Africa back at least 20 years. Enter Penny Sparrow, an unassuming real estate agent who bravely and deliberately tried to take the first step towards establishing racial harmony: stimulating catharsis across the races.

Staying true to her New Year’s resolution to be an honest, outspoken, and positive South African, Penny Sparrow, inadvertently sparked off the beginnings of establishing racial harmony. On the 2nd January 2016 Penny wrote a Facebook post in which she called black people monkeys, and went on to accuse them of making a mess at public beaches: “To allow them loose is inviting huge dirt and discomfort and troubles to others,” she wrote. “This lot of monkeys just don’t want to even try.”

As she probably predicted, her post went viral in South Africa and abroad, and the catharsis began. Racial anger that had been built up over years finally had a public outlet and it exploded all over the news and social media. Blacks were screaming hate, whites were roaring back, and rumour has it even monkeys in zoos were yelling about being unfairly humanized. The rage was finally being set free.

Sadly for Penny, her strategy for starting the healing in South Africa was short-lived. Both the ANC and the DA filed criminal charges against her. She will, for her efforts, no doubts receive the death penalty, or at the very least a punishment significantly harsher than anything South Africans could have wished on Oscar Pistorius for murdering his girlfriend.

In the spirit of mindless over-reaction, Standard Bank suspended economist Chris Hart for his tweet later that same week. It seems the tweet below contains unacceptable racial undertones which are inconsistent with Standard Bank’s impeccable values:

Because the truth doesn’t hurt, it’s just racist!

Wonkie would love to hear your thoughts on the above, and on your outlook for South Africa in 2016.

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Wonkie believes one could not ask for a more accurate, brutal representation of the true state of South Africa than what was witnessed yesterday at Jacob Zuma’s parliamentary 2015 State of the Nation address. The comical event covered it all:

1. The pathetic, albeit scary, attempt by the national executive to muzzle citizens and journalists by illegally cutting mobile phone transmissions from within the parliamentary chamber. No doubt the ruling ANC party will justify this with some garbage rhetoric and find some lowly bearer to act as a scapegoat, but welcome South Africa, to the police state.

2. The television broadcast of SONA2015 itself reflects the state of the poor SABC leadership – convenient intermittent loss of audio and video footage, broadcasting the same voice overlapping itself so viewers can barely make out the content, zero coverage of the true chaos that was taking place on the floor. The best case scenario is that this was plain incompetence on the part of the SABC, the worst case of course, being that the ruling party is happily able to censor action against itself.

In the interests of transparency, below is a video of what actually took place in parliament when the EFF ‘leadership’ were forcibly removed:

Video courtesy: EWN

3. Most surprisingly, other than a few tweeters sitting on their high horses and all caught up with pomp and ceremony, many citizens were rooting for the likes of Julius Malema. Nobody really cares if the forum was inappropriate to raise questions about Zuma’s Nkandla home – perhaps on paper it was, however if one is unable to get resolution at the proper forums it could be argued that one is left with no choice but to adopt an unconventional, activist approach. After all, isn’t that how apartheid was ended?

4. Given that the opposition Democratic Alliance (DA) was asking questions based on point-of-order and privilege and they weren’t ejected from parliament, it is clear that the Baleka Mbete was acting with prejudice when it came to the EFF. Furthermore, disregarding rules and inviting armed police to remove members sets further precedent for the executive to do whatever they like when things aren’t going their way. But wait, given that there is already zero accountability in government they do that anyway so even that accurately reflects the state of the nation.

It should be pointed out, in fairness, that there is not much else the ANC could have done to control the situation. The EFF members would probably not have left willingly.

5. On to the actual address itself, it was as boring and content-free as usual (further evidenced by the number of MPs casually dozing off in the audience). Not that one expects detailed solutions in such a presentation, but some real leadership would be to clearly acknowledge the challenges for the gruesome messes that they are, and give some non-bureaucratic comfort that real action is going to be taken. Instead, South Africa gets the feeling another 5-year planning committee consisting of some pseudo-intellectual gnats will be assembled at great tax-payer expense, and that the only problem they will manage to resolve at the end of it will be how to keep the lights on in Nkandla.

6. As though viewing the parliamentary spectacle were not enough, Zuma also declared a leap forward in much-needed local land reform – by stating that foreign nationals will not be allowed to purchase land outright in South Africa. Sigh.

In short, a pessimist would suggest that this is a glimpse into South Africa’s rather lawless future. What do you think?

PS: If you would like a transcript of the entire presidential State of the Nation speech, please visit The Presidency website.

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2015 is finally here and Moonbeam Williams has returned from her 3 year sabbatical raising wild yaks in the Himalayas. After this spiritually enlightening experience, Moonbeam has decided to provide her infamously accurate astrological predictions for the whole world once more. Because Wonkie knows that most people don’t care about the whole world, there are some deep and meaningful predictions for you personally too.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 21) – With, what some may argue, is a touch of over-confidence, you believe it is your destiny to single-handedly rescue the global economy. To that end, you spend hours and hours developing an ambitious fiscal program which you pitch at your local pub. Following an overwhelming response and many beers, you bombard the twitter accounts of Obama, Dalai Lama and Jacob Zuma explaining the definitive links between the rising dollar, global spirituality and the strikes in the mining sector. Several hundred consecutive tweets later you will find yourself on every terrorist watchlist known to man, but that doesn’t matter as you believe it’s a price one must pay if one is to earn a Nobel Prize in Economics.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21) – You decide 2015 is the year in which your unbounded pragmatism is going to make you millions. After careful planning over the first 10 months of the year, and having witnessed the miserable failure of Google Glass, you develop and launch a wearable identity app. The practical convenience of your device is unmatched and within months people are using it in place of passports, bank cards and even keys for their cars. Not only that, the device is also available in a number of colours and makes for a fashion accessory replacing the one previously known as a watch. Everything goes spendidly until it is discovered by Apple that you use 5 year old Iranian children in your factories. The still pervasive anti-Muslim sentiment around the world will unfortunately destroy your business.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 22) – Convinced that the ISIS crisis can be resolved by some quick-witted, diplomatic smooth talk you manage to secure a meeting with President Obama and his joint chiefs. Your evil twin’s contacts in the Syrian underground will prove most useful in facilitating this. You will manage to convince Obama, and later the leaders of ISIS that it is in their best interests to let you build an enormous brothel in the Middle East, one that you affectionately call Habibi Love, to help mend relations between the various fighting factions in the region. All goes well, and you amass huge amounts of wealth until the SPCC (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Camels) files charges against you at the ICC.

Cancer (Jun 22 – July 23) – After finally finding a drug that curbs your emotional outbursts without side-effects, you can barely shed a bucket once you hear that the US has mended relations with the likes of Venezuela and Cuba. Inspired by the thought of a united world, you take up quilt-making as hobby and soon lead a global movement in the art form. The economic implications of the movement are massive as much employment is created: everyone from previous employees of Malaysian Airlines and poor people in Russia start farming for raw materials for your quilts. Sadly, the movement will be shut down by the United Nations for contributing excessively to global warming.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 24) – After reading the novel Kineosho Learns to Walk, you are convinced that as a lion, this is your time to lead your tribe, not only politically, but also spiritually. To that end, you start what some might call a cult, but you call an all-embracing religion filled with love and harmony worshipping the one true king, you. This inadvertently starts an ugly turf war with the Pope, Dalai Lama and Ali Khameni, the Supreme Leader in Iran.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23) – Inspired by Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, you decide to pack your bags and move to Varanasi to help with the massive Clean India campaign. As a clean-freak of note, you soon motivate everyone around you to at least start using hand-sanitiser after making plonkies out in the open. Your subsequent drive to build closed toilets in India earns you many humanitarian awards but you make real money after cashing in your shares in the hand sanitiser companies.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23) – One day, as you’re daydreaming at work this year, you will find yourself wondering what it would be like to be as decisive as the falling matric pass rate in South Africa or the rising interest rates everywhere in the world. Deciding that you could never be that decisive you decide to embrace your indecisiveness and blog about it instead. To your surprise, you quickly gain hundreds of thousands of followers around the world and your blog becomes the go-to place for people who can’t decide what to do. Everything goes awry, however, when you have to decide whether you want to join a turf war involving the Pope, Dalai Lama, Ali Khameni and some strange Lion King cult that evolved over the course of the year.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 23) – One night, as you’re dismembering a mosquito that tried to bite you, it will dawn on you that people all over the world willingly trade privacy for security. Sensing that your calling is near, you will ponder this trade-off and arrive at the inevitable conclusion: that it is your destiny to start Stakeout Takeout – a high-end national surveillance company fronted by an international chain of pizza parlours. Your dream is to provide useful government intelligence on private citizens whilst delivering the tastiest pepperoni pizza.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – Your career takes an enormous boost this year as your friendly personality is hired by SANRAL to counsel the hoards of unhappy, ignored e-toll contact centre staff in South Africa. Following a massive drop in the suicide rate there, you will be hired by the ANC to appease the masses about Nkandla. As per your modus operandi, you throw a lavish party with lots of sushi for Jacob Zuma’s fourth, fifth, sixth next marriage later this year. Unfortunately due to an unforecasted heat wave and persistent Eskom blackouts in 2015, the sushi goes off and many senior South African politicians suffer from acute food poisoning. Fortunately, most South Africans are so ecstatic with this outcome that you meet all your targets and get a huge bonus.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 21) – One of the safest predictions this year, and one that even Moonbeam will admit does not need her psychic powers to suggest, is that Russians will have a tough year. Besides a sliding oil price, the sky-rocketing interest rates to defend their currency and financial sanctions in response to Ukraine are sure to put the nails in the Russian coffin. Being true to your nature as a Capricorn, you see through the horrific tragedy and eyeball the fantastic material gain to be had. You will start a small trading company based out of Kazakhstan and make a fortune selling spreads on raw materials for quilts and on what Putin is going to do next to ruin the country even more.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 20) – Being the unabated visionary that you are, you decide to move your focus in 2015 to interstellar exploration. After spending many months carefully studying the footage of Curiosity, the little vehicle trundling across a crater on Mars, you will become convinced that the CIA are hiding the fact that intelligent life exists on the planet. You approach Richard Branson and Pakistan with your detailed report but both remain unconvinced so you decide to build your own rocket using antiquated Eskom equipment and a nuclear reactor you sourced for a bargain on eBay. Unfortunately, you don’t succeed in launching the rocket to Mars but on the upside, Earth will now have a much-needed new species of glow-in-the-dark garden snails with four heads.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 21) – In 2015, it appears your dreams of World Peace and harmony move one step closer to be realised. When your petition to save the prawns gets misdirected by the recovering South African postal service and lands up at the United Nations, it triggers a chain of events that results in the West finally being able to reach a deal on nuclear weapons with both Iran and North Korea. Kim Jong-un will later be quoted in history books as saying: “Finally, the United State they understand how important the Prawn is to me, I am so touched. We have finally found common ground and we can live in peace without nuclear weapons. Happy happy new year.”

Wonkie and Moonbeam Williams wish you a very happy 2015 and hope that you have had a great start to the year! Wonkie knows it has been scarce over the last year and wishfully thinks it might be a bit more regular with posts this year – please feel free to suggest what you’d like to see on the site and how best to take it forward!

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Oscar Pistorius, the famous South African athlete who ran in both the Paralympics and the able-bodied Olympics, was sentenced to 5 years in jail last week. Judge Thokozile Masipa, in sentencing Pistorius for culpable homicide, ended an epic, televised saga spanning months.

“As the crowds and cameras drift away from the courthouse, what lingers is the sense of waste. Of lives and careers for sure. But of time too.”

… Andrew Harding of the BBC sums it up nicely.

Wonkie decided to put together a brief lessons learnt post to support ardent trial viewers to recover from what likely feels like an unfulfilling, anti-climactic waste. Below are some of the deeper takeaways from the trial:

1. Everything can be a laughing matter

This book has since been withdrawn from Amazon

No matter how dire the situation, you can count on somebody to find a funny and usually inappropriate angle to it.

It happened with the famine in Ethiopia: e.g. with the famine reaching crisis levels in Ethiopia, a family decided to search the web for dinner. Luckily for them, there were still two flies and a spider left. It happened with Oscar, who got demoted from being the infamous bladerunner to a paranoid gunrunner.

No doubt, a slew of jokes about Oscar in prison will do their rounds shortly. The first one Wonkie came across was:

Sigh… isn’t it funny how things change. Last year Oscar Pistorius was concerned about entering further races. Now that he’s going to prison, he’s probably more concerned about other races entering him.

2. Everybody is an expert

Certified Oscar Pistorius Expert

Whether it’s on subjective matters such as Oscar’s state of mind, or on even more subjective matters such as the interpretation of South African law, everybody seemed to become experts.

For one, they knew exactly how any rational person would behave in Oscar’s situation (e.g. the first thing anybody would do if they felt threatened is to check where their partner is). Clearly these experts don’t watch enough Steven Seagal movies to help balance their judgment.

Secondly, they also unequivocally knew what is an unsound interpretation of the law (e.g. that judge, she got it wrong). Usually their expertise comes to the fore along with their disagreement with the verdict, or dismay by the sentencing.

3. Killing is a misdemeanour in South Africa

Killing is petty crime

A moron is defined by the Oxford dictionary as “a stupid person”. Stupid, in turn, is defined as “lacking intelligence or common sense”. Since nobody except Oscar, and the fly on his wall that night, knows what really happened the court could quite rightly not support a judgment of murder (see, even Wonkie is no exception to point 2 above).

Oscar’s defence which essentially consisted of establishing that he is a paranoid moron held its own since Gerrie Nel, as tenacious as he was, could not provide any evidence to the contrary. It turns out that if a paranoid moron shoots someone a few times through a closed toilet door in South Africa, a slap on the wrist is sufficient punishment. Oscar was given a 5 year prison sentence for culpable homicide and Wonkie expects he is likely to be out on some form of house arrest within a year.

4. If a female is involved, it must be a gender crime

All crimes involving women ONLY happen because the victim is female… Duh!

Opportunistic groups were quick to turn the trial into a gender issue. Groups like the ANC Women’s League (ANCWL), moronically supported Reeva and her family as, being the experts that they are, immediately deemed the situation as being a natural extension of spousal abuse.

Wonkie is definitely not down-playing the serious issue of crimes against women in South Africa. This, however, is certainly a case of what happens when you let a moron loose with a gun, rather than a clear cut case of female victimisation. But, since Reeva was absolutely and gorgeously female, it was apparently a no-brainer to some that she was killed only because she was female.

Luckily for world, Reeva wasn’t black otherwise the trial would have no doubt been hinged on some ridiculous racial issue.

5. Sometimes, money can set you free

Sometimes it really is all you need!

One can only imagine what might have happened if Oscar was not a loaded celebrity and could not have afforded the services of heavyweight defence lawyer Barry Roux and a super-slick PR team. For one thing, the trial would have probably only lasted 2 weeks and yielded an identical outcome.

Even in the sentencing, the effects of privilege can be felt. Needless to say, Oscar won’t be rolling around with the prison gen-pop – he will be housed in a private cell in the hospital wing of Pretoria’s Kgosi Mampuru prison. After all, murder or not, he has suffered such emotional trauma and that alone should be considered punishment enough for taking a life.

Do take part in the poll below and feel free to let Wonkie know your thoughts about the Oscar Pistorius trial and sentence.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

If getting away with murder is par for the course in South Africa and this does not sit well with you, perhaps now is the time to purchase that long-awaited international lottery ticket online – like for Oscar, a few bucks in the bank could be all you need to buy your own freedom from crime.

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Wonkie has the greatest respect for Thuli Madonsela. In fact, she is one of the very few high profile South Africans that Wonkie would back should she ever start a political party. While there has been much in the headlines about her recent report about the wonderful Nkandla saga, Wonkie wonders whether any of it will really make any difference on the South African political landscape.

Zuma, and the ANC, are hardly inept when it comes to covering their ample behinds. So, Wonkie thought it would be interesting to share some ingenious ways that they might spin Nkandla.

1. The Shaggy Defence

It Wasn’t Me!

The most obvious defence is for Zuma to stand up and say “It wasn’t me!” There is no shortage of incompetent internal fall-guys the ANC could use to divert the public’s attention. If you hear that the deputy minister of something-or-other was ultimately responsible for overspending on Nkandla, then you know that Operation Shaggy has been successful.

2. The Hansie Defence

An extension of the above, Zuma could likely claim that the nasty “Tokoloshe made me do it”. Not only will this spin strategy work, it will also help him consolidate his support from sympatheic voters across the country. Who amongst us, after all, have not sinned or been led astray by forces beyond our control?

3. The Poor Ol’ Me Defence

As the leader of a nation, President Zuma simply does not have time to read every multi-100-million Rand upgrade proposal to his home. Not when there are more pressing matters like basic education and corruption to manage. Seriously, it’s just not practical.

Nkandla is just one such document that slipped through – and quite honestly, had he known about it, he simply would never have approved such ridiculous extravagance.

This fitting image (source unknown) went viral after Zuma’s statement on Nkandla

4. The Voodoo Defence

Since the ANC has already accused Thuli Madonsela of being biased against the ANC, this defence is a natural follow-on. Since she is continuing to pursue the ANC relentlessly, she must be possessed by demons. Hopefully after the Public Protector exorcism ceremony kindly commissioned by the SABC, Miss Madonsela will be back on the righteous pro-ANC path.

5. It cos I’m black innit Defence

The “it’s my culture” argument is a solid one and one that has served President Zuma well over the years. From polygamy to justifying numerous indiscretions, one can still successfully pull the race card in South Africa and get away with it. If you hear that cattle are an extension of a Zulu man’s very soul, and that they have the right to be as protected as a Zulu man himself, then you can assume that this defence is at work.

6. The Security Defence

The initial proposal by the Defence Minister for the protection of the Nkandla compound, oops home, was that there be a 100m moat surrounding the entire village. After much brave deliberation and persuasion by President Zuma, the defence ministry finally agreed that it would serve the public interest better by building a small swimming pool instead. It would be cheaper, and it least the principle of the security moat filled with vicious crocodiles would still be there. Kudos to President Zuma for leading by example and showing that expenses can always be cut to make government more efficient.

The plus side of this defence is that the ANC gets to show that they relate to the populace about their serious concerns regarding personal safety and security. Once again – President Zuma, man of the people.

7. The Petty DA Defence

Once again, this is victimisation of our good president by the unscrupulous DA. Honestly, in the grand scheme of South African corruption, Nkandla is completely insignificant – but why attack and harp on this one minor incident. I’ll tell you why: it’s just part of smear campaign aimed at discrediting a great leader, someone who fought for South African freedom – your freedom.

Note the cheekiness of this strategy, in that wrongdoing is admitted but the presentation still relieves the perpetrator of accountability by diverting the public’s attention.

8. You Got It Wrong Defence

Depending on how much testosterone is floating around in the ANC ranks, the ultimate cheeky spin would be this one.

It goes something like this: “Sure, we built Nkandla, but we did it for the community. Seriously, who do you think the clinic and the swimming pool is for? Me? I don’t even swim, I shower! This is just our way of giving back – and the good news is that soon, this pilot project will be rolled out to all the other areas of South Africa that are currently facing service delivery challenges (provided of course, they vote for the ANC).”

Wonkie would love to hear your thoughts on whether the Nkandla report will affect the ANC in any meaningful way in the upcoming 2014 South African elections:

If the thought of Zuma getting away with the Nkandla upgrade makes you cringe, perhaps now would be a good time to buy an international lottery ticket online – after all, President Zuma can’t be the only man who is so lucky in South Africa.

Realistically though, Zuma appears to be more capable of beating the odds than the average South African citizen. Wonkie is tempted to tell you to try a South African online casino or to review Wonkie’s top 10 online casinos to see if you can raise the funds to flee the country, but Wonkie is certain that you know better than to do that!

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The state of South African politics is rather pathetic. The players include a scandal-ridden president who is mocked, both locally and abroad, and his self-interested party, which seems intent to pillage the country to the benefit of its friends and family. At the other nasty extreme, lie the so-called opposition parties who appear more adept at Twitter and mindless rhetoric than at showing any sort of strategy or political savvy.

So where does this leave South Africans, come the 2014 elections? On the 7th May 2014, voters will once again be left with some obvious, and rather sad choices:

1. The Incumbetent ANC

Jacob Zuma expresses himself

This choice is a no-brainer for all those currently benefiting from juicy state tenders and their families. Die-hard optimists that have probably not been weaned off acid since the 70s might also be inclined to give them another chance – after all, it’s only been twenty years and we’ve only lost 1.5 generations due to a destroyed education system and incompetent leadership, so far.

This will also likely be the choice of part the masses who still naively believe the ANC’s election promises about service delivery, education, healthcare, and all that other stuff that has apparently been soiled by apartheid for centuries, if not millennia, to come. Failing that, free food handouts, the odd bonus t-shirt and prancing around singing struggle songs about the bad ol’ days seems to have done the trick in previous years.

ps: if you like our new word incumbetent, please send a note of thanks to Wonkie’s think tank for its creation.

2. The White DA

The DA, in essence

A party still firmly entrenched in the struggle. The struggle to brand itself as anything other than a party for white people, that is. Although, in true BEE fashion, they did try appointing a token black leader. No, Wonkie is not referring to Mamphela Ramphele. One need only look at their policies to realize why most black people in their right minds will not consider them a viable alternative.

While the ANC is happy to blame everything, including their own incompetence, on apartheid, the DA seems to have positioned themselves as wanting a merit-based South Africa, pretty much discounting all the effects of apartheid as though it never happened. And, they believe this is an equitable way forward.

3. The Lost Agang

Agang Strategy Masterclass

Where to even begin with this testament to vision-less, haphazard, idiotic example of leadership. Sorry Mamphela, but riding on the badge of being an apartheid struggle veteran only seems to work if you’re an ANC member. Even Cope, with all its issues in the last election, did more to promote itself. All that South Africa knows about Agang is that it is apparently against corruption (minus the small question marks against how its leader acquired her wealth, and how much of it there is).

The utterly stupid events over the last few weeks with respect to joining forces with the DA, and then not, takes Agang’s credibility firmly into negative territory. Many Agang party members are not even sure if they’re going to vote for their own party, given that Mamphela did not even consult them about her decision to engage, then disengage, or whatever with Helen Zille. If ever a business school needed a case study for political suicide, then this would be it.

4. The Promising EFF

Who the EFF cares about implementation?

Julius Malema, if he can escape the wrath of SARS, will likely be a real option available to the masses. Not an option that exudes mental stability mind you, but hey, you can’t have everything. The masses need only believe his rhetoric, essentially a more activist form of what the ANC has been spewing for decades and very successfully not delivering. Land reform, redistribution of wealth, cake, sushi – it’s all yours. Please don’t ask us how we’ll implement any of it, but with our cool red berets, you can be sure we can do it.

Conclusion

As you can probably tell sifting through the sarcasm, there is not much choice for South Africans going to the polls this year. If South Africa is to survive, it needs to get rid of the rot. Cushy jobs in government with no accountability have got to go. Real metrics need to be used to evaluate state performance, not easily fabricated stats like matric pass rates that measure nothing of consequence. Technology needs to be used to its full effect to deliver services, enhance education, improve telecommunications, and create jobs. People in the country need to feel safe, and happy.

For Wonkie, the answer lies in some brave, smart, grass roots face rallying the masses with a sensible way forward. One that focuses on getting the basics right: education; job creation; security; and healthcare. A leader with enlightened self-interest, rather than a more-for-me mentality. When such a leader appears, Wonkie will back them.

If you’re reading about South African politicians’ millions and you’re wondering where you went wrong in your personal financial planning, it’s not too late. You too could suck up to the right people in government and score some big tenders. Or, if the thought of that makes your stomach churn, there is always the easy option of visiting this lottery website, buying a ticket and keeping your fingers crossed.

Of course, the odds of walking away a billionaire playing the lottery from South Africa aren’t all that amazing – in fact, you have a better chance of cleaning up government. For those of you who believe you are lucky and beyond mere statistics, perhaps taking a chance and gambling online for money might prove more rewarding. Be sure to check out this excellent new website for reviews or Wonkie’s own online casino South Africa list for available options now. Readers based in India or the subcontinent can check out this updated Indian online casino instead.

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Almost 3 years ago, Wonkie published an article providing e-toll protest options for the public to act against the controversial gantry system being implemented in Gauteng. As predicted then, the option to “Suck it up, pay the high tolls fees, and continue whingeing about it for the next decade” appears to be the preferred choice… or not?

Since the South African public seem determined to show the ANC just how far they are able to bend over, Wonkie thought it best to provide a positive spin on the e-tolls to help angry citizens sleep better at night. Below are 5 positive aspects of the e-tolls you might not have considered:

1. National unity

As frequently demonstrated by events like sporting World Cups, having a common adversary helps people of all ilk rally together. If 5 years ago, Wonkie suggested that the DA, Cosatu, Julius Malema, and a huge chunk of the South African public would all band together in protest against the ANC, you might have choked on your soya boerewors.

Perhaps, the ANC are experimenting with a more in-house strategy to build national unity with the e-tolls. Who knows? After several years of planning to make a plan, the National Planning Commission must have come up with something out-of-the-box that government could actually implement successfully.

Of course, with sporting events, that warm patriotic feeling is usually replaced with the warm feeling of pee after the event is all over. Wonkie wonders whether the constant reminder every time people pass under an e-toll gantry will help make that feeling of unity last for much longer.

2. Self discovery

After all the anger, and cursing of Sanral and the ANC behind the water-cooler, most Gautengers should take a brief moment to acknowledge something about themselves. In fact, more important than developing a sense of national unity, the e-tolls are an important tool for personal development.

If you are one of the many who ranted furiously about the e-tolls, but could not be bothered with any real act of civil disobedience (no, that witty tweet you sent does not count), then you should probably take this opportunity to reflect on your mettle. Even what you do now with respect to e-tolls speaks to your courage and conviction on the issue.

Are you a passive-aggressive individual who will let it all slide in resignation after all that fury, or will you raise your middle finger to the e-tolls and be counted?

E-toll Protests: Give them a sign – don’t just whine!

3. Hope in 2014 elections

The e-tolls will contribute positively to many stakeholders in the 2014 South African elections. The DA, and FF+ can simply change their last ineffective campaign strategy from “Don’t vote for Zuma” to an updated, ineffective “Don’t vote for e-tolls” one. They will be happy because they think they’ll save effort (once more) by not having to develop and present a proper strategy for improving South Africa. One day, they will realise that the masses need more than some temporary carrot to convince them to change their allegiance.

The ANC, on the other hand, are probably punting on the fact that the poor, unemployed masses couldn’t care less about e-tolls. They will be thrilled that the DA will be neutered with their focus on a red herring. An investigation of the money trail around e-tolls might reveal some healthy “pension fund contributions” to senior ANC friends and members – of course, there is no risk of such an investigation because of the Protection of Corruption Bill (oops, Wonkie meant the Protection of Information Bill).

Dipuo Peters, ANC Transport Minister, defends e-Tolls: Can’t you just see it coming?

Cosatu will also need to reevaluate their alliance with the ANC, or accept that its tail should be firmly stitched between its legs. The unions, despite some fiery rhetoric, have proven all but useless in stopping the ANC agenda. Cosatu should grow with some personal development lessons from this too.

Of course, the final stakeholder is the South African public – at least there will be a bit more optimism that things will change after the next election. The ANC will loosen their grip on power with more defections from disgruntled non-whites, even more so now because of the e-tolls.

4. Better roads

Leaving aside that there are definitely more efficient and cost-effective means of collecting funds to maintain the roads, the e-tolling system has delivered a better, upgraded road network. Believe it or not, some tiny percentage of funds collected from the e-tolls will remain in South Africa and out of dodgy pockets, to pay towards maintaining the roads.

No doubt, within the next year or two, when said dodgy pockets are hungry once more, the e-toll fees will increase. At that point, more comparisons will be made with how expensive toll roads are in Norway and Germany, completely ignoring minor facts like the excellent public transport system and significantly higher GDP per capita in those countries.

Still, the roads are better now than they were before. Whoopee.

5. Greener South Africa

Nando’s on top of it, as always!

Finally, South Africa will be greener because of Sanral. (Wonkie can just see some SA government minister getting all excited and taking notes for the next COP climate change meeting). The e-tolls are unlikely to get people to stop using the roads or pool together to use public transport, because quite frankly, what public transport? Dipuo Peters hasn’t delivered anything much but pain.

Just think though, every time you see Sanral, Ismail Vadi, e-tolls, or Dipuo Peters gush on about how valuable the e-tolls are, and how South Africans should be grateful to the ANC for saving them, doesn’t it just want to make you turn off your televisions? How green is that.

If the thought of an extra few hundred Rands going out each month with the arrival of the Gauteng e-tolls and the increase in petrol price in December is dampening your Christmas spirit, then perhaps now is a good time to adopt an optimistic outlook and visit this lottery website. One ticket is all it could take for you not to have to worry about e-tolls or South Africa ever again.

Taking chances on the lottery of course means you have to wait a while for results. If immediate gratification is more your style, and you believe more in luck than in probability, then why not try your hand at some of the top-rated online casino South Africa options now, or if you’d prefer, visit Wonkie’s own detailed South African online casino directory or this online casino news website instead. Wonkie readers based in India that are wondering what all the fuss about public corruption is, can visit the best online casino in India instead.

In all seriousness, don’t let e-tolls get you down – make sure your voice, or finger, of protest is heard on more than just the internet – give them a sign!

Jonathan Shapiro, commonly known as Zapiro, is widely acknowledged as an excellent cartoonist. Some of his more recent material may be a bit lacking, but no doubt it’s hard to be consistently clever when you have to regularly rehash the same issues in South Africa. Occasionally though, he does get it completely wrong.

This week there is an uproar in the Hindu community about Zapiro’s most recent cartoon – one depicting the Lord Ganesha holding piles of cash and a cricket bat whilst overlooking Cricket SA sacrificing its chief executive, Haroon Lorgat.

Latest Zapiro Ganesha Cartoon angered many Hindus

First, and foremost, the cartoon is wrong because it plainly misrepresents the facts.

It’s wrong, not just inappropriate, to represent India, let alone the sporting body BCCI, by a religious symbol. The news being tackled in the cartoon has to do with sports – it has nothing to do with religion.

Using Ganesha in this cartoon, is about as stupid as putting Pravin Gordhan in the cartoon to represent the BCCI in India – there is some connection to India, sure. But is it relevant? No. Is it appropriate? No.

The second reason is that, consequential to the above, the cartoon unfairly tarnishes the brand of the Hindu religion. It is for this reason that Hindus should rightfully be upset.

While Wonkie would have little to say about tarnishing the brand of Jacob Zuma when Zapiro depicts him with his traveling shower-head, in this case there is no basis for involving religion or Ganesha in the above cartoon. Further, inappropriately depicting Ganesha as angry, vindictive and corrupt is not only disrespectful, but also demonstrates a special level of ignorance about Hinduism.

Since Zapiro is obviously not stupid, we can probably assume that he has enough sense to know that the issue is about cricket, not religion. This begs the question why did he use Ganesha in this cartoon? The three reasons that come to mind are:
(a) he could not come up something appropriate to represent BCCI;
(b) he thought it would be funny;
(c) it would be controversial;

The first option is doubtful – Zapiro has an uncanny ability to tie relevant things together. If he really wanted to, he would have found a clever way with some effort.

If he thought it would be funny, then he should probably realise now that it’s about as funny as it would be if he ran around naked in Klerksdorp, randomly yelling: “All blacks are stupid!”. That act would be equally irrelevant and that claim would also have no basis in fact. Still, you’d probably find a few morons from the Boeremag who’d swear it was the funniest thing. At the very least, one would expect Zapiro to have enough EQ to evaluate whether the cartoon would be unfairly ridiculing a religion, and to weigh that up against his attempt to raise a smirk.

This leaves the remaining “if you can’t make it funny, then at least make it controversial – good for publicity and all that” option. Now make no mistake, Wonkie has no issue with cartoons that involve Ganesha, or religion – Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or otherwise. Many are apt, particularly because followers of religions tend to be supremely hypocritical and often deserve to be ridiculed. To use a religious symbol inappropriately to generate eyeballs through controversy though, is tacky. It is something one would expect from second-rate tabloid thinkers, not a clever cartoonist.

Unfortunately, it appears that Zapiro’s response to the Hindu reaction is rather pathetic:

“I’m not out to court controversy [Yeah right!]. I wanted to do a cartoon that was intelligible to the average reader in South Africa. Something that would speak to people and something that showed what people have been feeling. In doing so I look for imagery that I feel will work. I certainly did not set out to offend a group of people.”

Only a complete idiot would believe that this cartoon would not be found offensive – especially since any religious imagery is obviously sensitive, and more so in this case because it completely misrepresents the religion.

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Wonkie has been closely monitoring the curious situation in the USA with respect to the recent shutdown of government over the last two weeks. Whether the USA is setting best practice in terms of government, or comedy, South Africans would be smart to take note.

In a nutshell, the debt ceiling is the maximum amount the U.S. government can borrow from the public. The money they raise, by selling Treasury bonds publicly, is used for all manner of social services, and to pay the interest on their own debt.

The issue is that the U.S. government has already borrowed as much as is allowed by the current debt ceiling – US$16.7 Trillion. If this debt ceiling is not raised by Congress by 17 October 2013, the U.S. government will not be able to meet its basic financial obligations – i.e. pay its many employees, and repay the interest on their existing loans.

What happens when Joe Schmoe can’t make his loan payments? In short, very bad things for Joe Schmoe. The case for government is the same, except the consequences in this situation will be global. If America cannot be trusted to repay its debts, the entire global financial system will be at risk. At best, the world would wind up accelerating into a much more severe, and protracted recession.

With its well-designed political system containing strong checks and balances, Barack Obama cannot simply decide to raise the debt ceiling by himself. That decision needs to be vetted by other political institutions – in this case, by Congress. The challenge is that the Republicans (the opposition) have thrown their weight against the debt ceiling raise, using the opportunity to try to strong-arm Obama to modify some of his policies, notably on healthcare (affectionately termed Obamacare).

In short, the Republicans are negotiating on local U.S. policy issues at the expense of, well basically the world economy. Wonkie doubts that they would be stupid enough to let it reach that stage, but the world will only be sure about that a week from now.

DA’s billboard: E-tolls – Proudly brought to you by the ANC

One thing is clear, the importance of having a strong opposition is evident in the USA. In South Africa, this is sorely lacking. One need only look at the pathetic state of the last election to appreciate that. Opposition parties offered nothing in terms of alternative strategy, or direction – their campaigns were almost entirely based on fear-mongering and ‘Stop Zuma‘ rhetoric.

All indications so far are that the DA has learnt nothing from its past failures. Wonkie thought the “E-tolls – proudly brought to you by the ANC” poster was witty and worth an appropriate laugh. Witnessing the moronic government reaction to it was even funnier. Still, the fact remains that this appears to follow the same strategy as the last elections – ‘vote for Us to stop ABCDE’.

What South African citizens need is a strong, unified opposition with alternative strategies to achieve the country’s big goals – credible alternatives, not just witty billboards. Failing that, a South African government shutdown may not be such a bad second choice.

Unfortunately, it seems Obama needs to win more than a few massive US Powerball lotteries in order to dig the USA out of its current situation. You, on the other hand, might be happily able to resolve your share of the national debt problem by visiting this updated lottery website, or trying your hand at one of the many top-rated Rand Online Casino options instead.

Another week, another series of strikes and service delivery protests in South Africa. Wonkie was holding back, hoping there would be something more entertaining to report on, but sadly there was not. Below is a summary round-up of the latest South African news:

Petrol Attendant’s Strike

1. Petrol attendant’s strike – The 7.5% wage increase offer was refused by Numsa, the National Union of Metalworkers of South Africa. As usual, the strikes were accompanied by a healthy dose of intimidation against those who chose to work. One day, South African citizens, unions and the government will realise that strikes are not just about money. The additional money will no doubt help the workers temporarily, but the underlying issue of real progress is what needs to be addressed. Despite what unions believe, money is just fish – the workers should be screaming for rods.

Hanky Panky at Cosatu

2. Cosatu expects huge growth – Unfortunately they don’t expect it in the economy, only in terms of population growth. This follows more declarations of baby-daddies within the Cosatu ranks (for those of you not in the know, that’s the term for men who spawn out of wedlock). In any case, it appears that Zwelinzima Vavi is not the only honcho in Cosatu who engaged in the odd extra-marital romp. Perhaps somebody should explain to Cosatu that supporting labour refers to the work-force, not the maternity ward at their local hospital.

3. Eastern Cape health care mess – Speaking of hospitals, the state of Eastern Cape health care, or rather the lack thereof, made the news again. A mole living on Collins Chabane’s performance monitoring couch, allegedly reported that the number of accidental deaths due to incompetence and lack of resources was well within the government’s Key Performance Metrics. In fact, South Africa needs at least another 2,500 baby deaths a year before anybody need be concerned.

Protea Glen Service Delivery Protests

4. Service delivery protests – As the 2014 elections draw closer, South Africa can expect more service delivery protests like the one experienced near Protea Glen in Soweto last week. They can also expect slimy politicians to make the same promises they made four years ago. Wonkie remains ever-optimistic that the affected electorate will vote with more realistic goggles than they have done in the past. However, Wonkie will not hold its breath.

5. Protection of Information Bill – The Secrecy Bill, seen by just about everybody except Mac Maharaj and the ANC as a means to streamline corruption and illegal government dealings, was sent back for parliamentary review. Apparently there are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors – yes, like that’s the problem with the secrecy bill. The DA is optimistic that the bill will be made properly constitutional. Wonkie believes they stand a better chance of winning if they bought a lottery ticket online, but let’s be optimistic.

Thuli Madonsela – Public Protector

6. Madonsela may need public protection – Thuli Madonsela is making no friends in the ANC with her insistence on investigating Zuma’s Nkandla estate upgrade. The fuss this time though, is more about Madonsela’s declaration of a conflict of interest and dodgy dealings relating to IEC chairwoman Pansy Tlakula. Many MPs, funny enough, believe that Madonsela’s role should be subordinate to them – one need not think too far out of the box to answer the question Why?

7. Northern Cape Premier sadly misunderstood – Sylvia Lucas was exposed for bingeing on junk food. She spent a massive R53,159 on the likes of KFC in her first 10 weeks using tax payers money. Wonkie would like to formally reprimand the Sunday Times for insensitively exposing Sylvia’s comfort-food habit – Wonkie understands that it’s tough and lonely at the top. Sometimes, only a lekker KFC bucket or ten can help ease the pain.

Don’t be disheartened with all the negative news coverage in South Africa like Jacob Zuma appears to be. All it could take is one lucky ticket and you could well have your way out – with the USA Powerball at its current level you could have enough to start your own sovereign nation and the only corrupt politician you might encounter is yourself. Be sure to check out Wonkie’s own play USA lottery from South Africa page or click here for an excellent alternative.