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Rand Paul Demands Presidential Election In 2016

In the opening lines of his personal video response to the State of the Union Address by the President of the United States, Kentucky’s junior senator Rand Paul called for there to be elections to choose a new President: “Something is clearly wrong. America needs many things, but what America desperately needs is new leadership. I have only been in office for a short time, but one thing I have discovered is that there is no monopoly on knowledge in Washington. The best thing that could happen is for us to, once and for all, limit the terms of all politicians.”

So, there should be new leadership in Washington, and the President Thanks for the big ideas, Senator Paul, but we at Irregular Times have an anonymous source inside the Obama Administration that tells us that the government has already been working on this. They’re planning a presidential election in less than two years from now. Unfortunately, to protect our source, we can’t share the details of this plan. Word on the street, however, is that somebody’s already arranged for term limits for the President of the United States. Have your people call our people, Senator, and we’ll arrange for a confidential briefing.

If it isn’t the presidency Rand Paul was referring to, maybe he was taking aim at Congress.

Once again, we have an inside source that tells us that the country is already working on this issue. Apparently, someone held an election for members of Congress just two months ago. Perhaps Senator Paul didn’t get the memo on this, but what seems to confirm the reports of our sources is that just days ago, Senator Paul voted to elect new Republican leaders in the Senate.

Still, here he is, already declaring that the Senate needs new leadership again. It didn’t take long for that honeymoon to end, did it? For the record, we here at Irregular Times agree with Rand Paul that the Republican leadership of the U.S. Senate is rotten.

Senator Paul quickly moved on from his plan for electoral reform to an alarming revelation of an attack on the small city of Bowling Green, Kentucky. The Senator reported that “Liberal elites fly over my small town… seek to impose their will upon us.”

It seems an incredible accusation, but we at Irregular Times have obtained evidence that Rand Paul is right. Liberal elites can fly. They are witches, and they have been swarming over Bowling Green, Kentucky, practicing their magic arts to impose their will upon the good people of Appalachia. This recent photograph of downtown Bowling Green proves it.

What has not yet been confirmed is whether the flying liberal elites are wearing tweed jackets with elbow patches. Stay tuned…

It is a time of fear in the face of freedom, a time of an emptying country and swelling cities, a time for the widening of previous roads and the opening of new paths, yet a time when these paths are mined by knowing algorithms of the all-seeing eye. It is the time of the warrior's peace and the miser's charity, when the planting of a seed is an act of conscientious objection. These are the times when maps fade, old landmarks crumble and direction is lost. Forwards is backwards now, so we glance sideways at the strange lands through which we are all passing, knowing for certain only that our destination has disappeared. We are unready to meet these times, but we proceed nonetheless, adapting as we wander, reshaping the Earth with every tread. Behind us we have left the old times, the standard times, the high times. Welcome to the irregular times.