WWF RAW is WAR

17.5.99

BLAH

I GET
LETTERS:good day sir,

i am the alleged wrestler from wfmu who was mentioned in your report.
they say any press is good press so i thank you for the mention but i
would like you to know that the one time only chair shot show was actually
a live radio remote. i realize that i am not a wrestler and was just
clowning for the sake of the live audience ( as small as it was). i
assure you that those who are familiar with my program would understand.
though 'fmu is a rather small public station mine is by far it's most
popular show. i am also a big wrestling fan and read all of the web
sites. in fact my first ever radio program was in nyc commercial
radio--it was called "the wide world of wrestling" and aired in the late
70's. i just wanted to touch base in hopes that you would understnad that
i am not the idiot i may have seemed. give a listen sometime--it's a
freeform music/talk entertainment show and you could hear it on the web at
www.wfmu.org. meanwhile i shall
continue to read your posts.

good day sir!

glen jones

I'm not gonna say ANYTHING about chair shots making for great radio and
then sniggering. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not... Anyway, I wasn't implying
any idiocy (okay, maybe I was - heh heh) but...what WAS my point?
Hmmmm... I STILL can't remember! Just that I was trying to buy records
and there was a lot of screaming going on behind me and wrestling was
peripherally involved, and it filled a paragraph and there you go. I
*did* receive a lovely WFMU "Loteria" bumper sticker which is proudly
displayed at my place of work in California, confusing the masses as only
a NYC public radio station bumper sticker, and the BOTTOM LINE is Glen's
on the radio and I ain't, so he wins EVERY time.

I *promise* to get back into a regiment of personal email replies,
starting RIGHT NOW. Vacation's over, baby! OKAY!

On with the show.

Oh, but first - WHY did Stockton's j have to drop at the end of Game 4?
And WHY couldn't Vlade's hook hit at the end of Game 5? And WHY am I
feeling like I'm getting suckered back into a season ticket plan for the
Sacramento Kings despite a 3 hour drive from Santa Clara to the Arco
Arena? The NBA is FAN-tastic!

Any other year I'd root for the Jazz....this year, though - sigh.

God, the Knicks fans struttin' around like they own the league, though -
I'll be welcoming you to MY world sooner rather than later, bet. You
think the Kings were lucky? Ha!

On to a REAL MAN'S SPORT...

One World Leader Attitude - WWF!

TV-14-DLV ratings box

Opening Credits?!? What the HELL am I gonna do if they don't tell me what
happened last week?

FIREWORKS! Welcomening everyone to the Unnamed Arena in Ft. Lauderdale,
FL 17.5.99 for WWF RAW IS WAR! (Taped 11.5) This great big show,
broadcast on the USA Network and probably also TSN, is closed captioned
for the hearing impaired (eh?) and en espanol donde sea disponible
(cortesia Carlos Cabrera y Hugo Savinovich - hey remind me to talk about
Los SuperAstros later in this report) - and - GOOD GOD! A MATCH...

D-GENERATION X & THROUGH HELLFIRE AND
BRIMSTONE IT'S KANE v. BADD ASS
BILLY GUNN & D'LO BROWN & SEXUAL CHOCKLIT (with Ivory and her great big
purple hanky) - DX now being Road Dogg and X-Pac,
yup. Lawler calls Kane
"Brimstone Breath." "If you ain't down with this gleesome threesome, then
I got just two words for ya!" says Dogg. "Suck it!" says the crowd. Let
Us Take You Back to Last Week as Kane gets tied up in the ropes, causing a
big beatdown from Gunn, causing a big run-in from what was left of DX. How
come they still call Mr. Ass "Billy Gunn" and Sexual Chocolate "Mark
Henry," but then CAN'T call Road Dogg "Jesse James?" These are things
that I lie awake at night (morning) wondering about. Is it true that one
of the lines in that "Ass Man" theme is "I love to floss 'em?" I don't
EVEN know what that means! "D'Lo sucks!" chant - how fast did this crowd
turn on that guy? Henry and James--err, Dogg start. Dogg ducks and hits
some rights - whip attempt doesn't work and Henry hits a massive lariat,
then takes him to the mat. Tag to Gunn, who is ALL over his former
partner. Right, right, right, right. Pick him up - right! HE'S THE BEST
PUNCHER IN THE BUSINESS, FOLKS! Crotch chop for Kane, and when he turns
around, Dogg is getting in some punches - but Gunn reverses a whip and
hits a powerslam. 1-800-COLLECT quicklky provides a double feature (for a
POWERSLAM?) - tag to Brown. Scoop and a slam - standing legdrop -
badmouth. Right hand. Either Brown's a heat magnet or this chant is
dubbed in. Elbowdrop misses and there's a tag to X-Pac. Kick, punch, arm
wringer, eyepoke from Brown. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, "who the hell
do you think you are?" X-Pac catches him off the ropes, flippy flippy,
spinning heel kick, off the ropes again, duck, Gunn hits from behind, nice
dropkick from Brown. Head to the buckle, right hands, tag - no, Kane's in
and beating up Brown. Meanwhile, Gunn and Henry work over X-Pac -
military press slam from Gunn. Tag to Brown - open shot to the ribs.
Right, scoop slam. Brown to the second rope - legdrop only finds canvas.
X-Pac crawls to his corner as Brown tags Gunn - Gunn grabs the foot - but
X-Pac leans into the Road Dogg. He's a house afire! Big back bodydrop!
Off the ropes, duck, Dogg with the goofy lefts, breakdancing, a right, a
right for the partners on the outside, wiggly wobbly wankerly kneedrop,
cover - but Brown is in and Dogg saw him. Brown ducks and there's a
Brownbomb. X-Pac is in and there's the X-Factor on Brown. Now Gunn tries
to break it up, but Kane's in - all six men in. HUGE avalanche splash on
X-Pac by Henry. Kane's got Henry when he turns around - choke - Brown is
on him - DOUBLE CHOKE - but he's run out of hands and Gunn breaks it up.
Katie, bar that door - too late - everybody spills out of the ring and
it's on. Gunn and Dogg - Henry and Kane - Brown and X-Pac - every is
outside, up the ramp, away from the ring, and I'm thinking sextuple
countout but the bell never comes. Let's call it (no contest 6:00+) as

"Theme from CORPORATE
MINISTRY" plays as a familiar set of figures
appears
at the top of the ramp and makes their way to the ring. Actually, we've
only got Shane, the Acolytes, Midian and Bossman tonight... "Tonight is
the eve of Armageddon for the Corporate Ministry! Tonight we will
annihilate ALL in our path! You see, it's funny how fate plays such a big
part in life - and to the members of the Union - Big Show, Test, Ken
Shamrock and Mankind - it was fate this evening that incapacitated your
car. However, your arrival here tonight was delayed for good reason.
YOu see, the Corporate Ministry has three people in mind on its hitlist
this evening, and it starts with Number One, Vince McMahon. Vince, I told
you to stay out of my business, I told you to stay away from me. So
tonight, Vince, you better lock the door because the Corporate Ministry is
coming for ya. Vince - you're gonna start to feel the BANG!" No, wait,
he said feel the PAIN, sorry.

We cut to Vince's office in the back where the Three Musketeers look
unhappy. Brisco: "Vince Mac Mahon, the Union's not here yet. What are we
gonna do?" Vince: "All we can do is the best we CAN do - prepare for the
worst." Patterson and Brisco commence to furniture moving - barricading
the door. Oh NO, they're keeping that nice cameraman from escaping!

Steve Austin and D'Lo Brown have a lover's spat over calling collect.

Backstage, we take a look at the Corporate Ministry, who are -
ahhhhhhohmyGod.... they're - they're - WALKING!!!

Hey, SHAME on you if you thought there was a Bells Palsy joke in that last
paragraph! What's WRONG with you people?

Shane knocks on the door, but Vince won't let him in. Viscera is directed
to kick down the door.

In the office, Vince says the barricade will have to suffice. In another
camera angle, Patterson asks Vince to check out the closet - there must be
something more they can use - cut back to Vince, who opens the closet door
- and finds the Undertaker! Triple H and Chyna rush Patterson and Brisco
while Undertaker puts Vince in a choke - the lights go out and we quickly
go to another ad break.

THAT was kind of a short segment...ah well

It's good to be back home, where I can see ads for ALL-PRO WRESTLING at
the Silver Creek High School Gym! It's "too HOT to handle" Saturday
night, 22 May - bell time is 1930 and if you can't make it to the high
school to get tickets, you can call BASS! "Gigolo" Vinny Massarro gets
his shot at the APW title to headline seven big matches! APW fever -
catch it! (Disclaimer: I may shill, but I STILL ain't attending!)

Vince is wheeled off on a stretcher - the Yes Men look quite disheveled,
but they're still WALKING! Vince is loaded into an ambulance as we see
Moments Ago highlights.

JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET (with
De-Bra) & BLUE BLAZER v. VAL VENIS &
GODFATHER (with twelve - no, six ho's) - Let Us
Take You Back to Last Week
where Commissioner Michaels worked some magic and transported the Women's
Title from Sable to Debra. I love me some "Theme from Blue Blazer."
Ross is quick to beat us over the head about how evil and dastardly Shane
is for perpetrating such a hideous act 'pon his own father, then quickly
switches to exciting news of the Union's arrival at the arena. Val gets
the mic and welcomes us to the Pleasuredome - a magical land where he's
not really bald. I'm thinking that sometimes it's NOT a good idea to let
'em swing freely - in particular, for that one ho. Ross somehow manages
to impart news during all this - Sunday Godfather takes on the Blue Blazer
for the Intercontinental title; and, in a mixed title match, Val Venis and
Nicole Bass team up to take on Jarrett and Debra. How DARE they call
Blazer "nerdy!" "Puppies" is now my LEAST favourite word in the English
language. Fast forward to about three minutes in where I decide to start
calling this match - after the ho train splash, Jarrett's up in the pimp
drop, but Blazer hits a clip to break that up. Jarrett tags and there's a
top rop missile dropkick on the Godfather. 1, 2, kickout. Here's NICOLE
BASS come out to keep me from calling moves. Plancha for 2. Nicole and
Debra exchange pleasantries - meanwhile, Jarrett's knocked off the apron
to the floor when Blazer is whipped into him - Godfather catches Blazer
into the Spicolli Driver - 1, 2, 3. (3:56)

Hey, look, the Rock's pacing around in a locker room! Wow!

Sir Robert Sperry shows off his trophies - including Mankind and his Chef
Boyardee Overstuffed Ravioli.

MEAT (with PMS
6) v. TEST - Jerry Lawler promises to reveal a PMS
secret
tonight as We Are Taken Back to last night's Heat where Ryan Shamrock
became the newest PMS, distracting Droz and ensuring a loss in his tag
team match with Prince Albert against Gangrel and Christian. Lawler
proclaims Meat "hard to beat," then goes on about his feet. Lawler - me
he can eat, his commentary is far from elite, nor is it neat, in his mush
I'd like to bury a cleat, his ass my foot prepare to greet, wheee rhyming
IS fun. This is Meat's RAW debut, is it not? Wrestling anyway... Meat
turns his back to pose for the ladies - Test spins him around and flattens
him. Off the ropes, back elbow. Off the ropes again, reverse, duck,
clothesline from Test. Meat rolls out to get felt up - Test with the
baseball slide dropkick on the Distracted One. Back in we go, Meat
finally getting some shots in - Union vs. Corporate Ministry in a Survivor
Series match Sunday. Test with a rolling double side Russian legsweep,
then a nice DDT. 1, 2, Terri Runnels places the foot on the rope and
somehow referee "Blind" Teddy Long lets it go. Test is suitably
distracted arguing the call and when he turns back there's a gutshot -
Test dutifully holds his head down for half an hour while Meat goes off
the ropes with a kneelift. Here's a scoop and there's a slam. Meat
straddling him now - lotsa rights. Pose to the women. Right to the back
of the head. Right. Off the ropes, reversal, duck, jumping back elbow
from Meat, another pose, cover, only 2. Maybe he shouldn'ta posed...
Right hand by Meat. Head to the buckle. Right to the gut, right to the
head. Climb to the second rope - showing off his abs - but Test fires
back - now Meat with some rights. Whip into the opposite corner, kiss the
bicep, charge, boot up - Test runs at him to followup but is caught in a
powerslam for 2. Rear chinlock for Meat. I wonder how this third quarter
hour will do in the ratings. I guess the presence of Jackie, Terri and
Ryan counteracts the sound technical wrestling performance in the ring,
right? Test elbows out finally, but Meat drops him to the mat and drops
an elbow too. Climb to the top - plancha, but Test rolls it over for 2.
Meat with a lariat. Back to the rear chinlock? Yawn! Test quickly up
and elbowing away - off the ropes, duck, waistlock into a powerbomb -
nicely done. Test can't follow up, though, and Long puts on the count.
Both men up at 5. Meat with a punch, Test with a punch, repeat, Test
ducks a punch, hits a discus lariat and gets 2. Test has him up - whip is
reversed, clothesline ducked, boot hits, and Test says it's time to finish
him. Into the gutwrench - but Jackie is up on the top rope - and there's
a dropkick (DQ
6:00) Jackie kicks a bit and Meat hits his Slop
Drop
variant - "Theme from PMS" plays as TORI makes her way to the
ring -
I guess that's the secret - there's another PMS out there! No, wait! She
drops Ryan with a hairpull, then drops Jackie with a right cross. Terri
runs off and Meat follows to help out the women. So Tori's got a thing
for Test, mayhaps?

Quickly we cut to a camera spying in on the Corporate Ministry. Shane:
"One down, two to go - [something] the Rattlesnake." Undertaker:
"Austin's mine."

The WWF Rewind comes to you through the kind sponsorship of 1-800-COLLECT!
From last week's RAW, the Old School Stooges go Old School on the Mean
Street Posse - winning their "Loser Leaves Town" match.

Hey! DAN
MARINO
comes to RAW! Apparently Russell Maryland is also in the
crowd, but HE gets no camera love.

STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN makes his way to the ring to hype his
upcoming
match with Triple H. Austin shines him on, by way of helping us realise
this guy's gonna clunk around the top of the card for months to come.
"This guy," meaning Triple H, in case that wasn't clear. Ha! Austin
promises his foot will find the asses of H, Chyna, Shane, whoever's
walking by, ass ass ass sonuvabitch Austin 3:16 'cause he's the bottom
line and yadda yadda yadda. No sooner is this promo cut than the
CORPORATE
MINISTRY
do be appearin' at the top of that ramp. Shane says
that if Austin LOOKS at him wrong, he'll disqualify him and award the
title to Undertaker. Shane goes on to promise Austin just might see Vince
TONIGHT as he will have him put in the hospital bed next to Vince after
"go get 'em boys!" They advance - but before they get there
KING KEN
SHAMROCK appears behind Shane and puts him in the
Million Dollar Dream!
Bossman puts the nightstick in Ken's head to break that up - the rest of
the ONION
appears and everybody brawls back behind the curtain - leaving
Shane lying on the stage, Undertaker on the ramp and Paul Bearer close
enough to the ring for Austin to grab and bring into the ring. He asks
Undertaker to show up and save his manager, and when Undertaker fails to
comply, it's gutshot-Stunner-play my theme time. Austin gives Undertaker
a look, then drops an elbow like he learned it from Road Dogg, right in
Bearer's heart. Then he gets a cold one ("I show up in the first hour and
you give me LIGHT beer?") and that's it for this segment.

WWF OVER THE EDGE is Sunday Sunday Sunday! Stone Cold Steve Austin! The
Undertaker! Dual referees! In the ultimate battle for power and the WWF
Championship! Hey, he said "ultimate!" That can only mean one thing!
Naah.

Not to mention that Austin wants D'Lo Brown to use 1-800-COLLECT next
time...

Huh?

Happy Hour is NEXT!

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago Where You See What You Just Seen -
it's been a bad couple of weeks for ol' Paul, hasn't it?

Chef Boyardee, Castrol GTX, and 1-800-CALL-ATT bring you RAW is WAR! You
think 1-800-COLLECT knows about all this?

We turn the hour before the first entrance is complete in

UNDERTAKER v. ROCK in a Very Rare
Casket Match - as opposed to a medium
rare casket match, I suppose. This ring entrance is rated TV-14-DLV!
You know, take out the lame chanting and this is probably the best theme
Undertaker's had for quite a while - it's all in the BONGs, you know. Ring
Announcer Dunn seems to linger a bit on "Miami, Florida" when introducing
the Rock in order to wring just that little extra bit of (hometown) face
treatment from the crowd. Punchfest to start - whip into the turnbuckle,
Undertaker puts up a boot - then runs into a clothesline. Rock stomps
away, now punching as he's back up. Right to the back of the head. Off
the ropes, duck, head down, DDT from Undertaker. Head to the turnbuckle.
Right. Right. Elbow to the face. "Rocky" chant, sorta. Headbutt. We
cut backstage to see the Union and the Ministry fighting away. Punches
traded, now the Rock is fighting back - Undertaker with a right. Off the
ropes, head down. Swinging neckbreaker from the Rock. I guess I should
note the cast on the Rock's left arm. Scoop and a slam - time for the
People's Elbow - Undertaker tries a zombie situp but Rock kicks him down,
then hits the elbow. As he tries to roll him into the casket,
TRIPLE H
has appeared and prevents referees Hebner and White from opening the
casket. As the Rock turns his attention to H, Undertaker gets up and
strikes back. Off the ropes, duck, choke - but Rock waffles him with his
cast (or "casket," if you're Ross) to prevent the chokeslam. Rock again
turns to the outside, where THAT SLUT
CHYNA & SKIPPY have joined the
festivities. Undertaker is back up pretty quick, though. Clothesline is
ducked, Rock hits a clothesline and Undertaker spills over the top rope
but lands on his feet. Rock pulled out. Punches traded, now Rock with
the rights. H spins him around but Rock gets in the first shots and after
dispensing with him, turns back to Undertaker, but gets a Golotta for his
troubles. H has returned with a sledgehammer - WHACK! Well sure it hit
the steel steps and not the cast, but it still SOUNDED good and Rock sells
it like it was right in the arm. Undertaker takes the cast to the casket
with another satisfying WHACK sound. Triple H kicks him into the casket
and Undertaker closes the door. (3:49) Shane provides a
casket key and H
locks it up. Helmsley poses by standing on the casket in a nice shot. Now
the casket is shoved off its pedestal - holy crap! Helmsley takes the
sledgehammer and beats up the casket good. Now that probably doesn't hurt
the Rock at all in real life - but it's still a powerful image, ya must
admit.

Let Us Take You Back to Moments Ago, In Case You Missed It. Ross calls it
the ULTIMATE act of aggression - that can only mean, he's coming back!
Naah. During the Break, the casket is rolled away by the cartload of
referees and officials. Tony Garea and Sargeant Slaughter manage to open
the casket with a crowbar - then grimace at what they find...

HARDY BOYZ & MICHAEL HAYES v. BROOD
(with burning ring o' far) - Let Us
Take You Back to Last Night on Heat, where the no-longer Dok Hendrix
suckered in the Brood into trying another bloodbath, and his new charges
joined him to turn the tables on the Gothic lifestylers. This is SIX MAN
TAG TEAM ACTION! but more resembles a Pier Six brawl. Finally we break
out and it's Jeff and Edge. You know, this is the first time the Hardyz
have wrestled on a Monday night since I started back up - isn't THAT
interesting. It took FREAKIN' MICHAEL HAYES to get them back on RAW.
Anyway, Edge with a nice Uncle Slam (full nelson into a slam) and tag to
Gangrel. Stompin' away. Right hand. Whip into the opposite corner, up
and over, head scissors! Hayes gets in a shot as Matt is tagged in.
Whip is reversed, hiptoss attempt is blocked, but Gangrel hits a
belly-to-belly suplex. Dropped fist. 1, 2, no. Scoop, Matt goes behind,
to the ropes, shrugged off - Christian in illegal and rolling him up for
2. Hmm, must be lucha rules. whip is reversed, Christian hits the
corner, the opposite corner, but manages to grab him anyway - Samoan drop
position, but brings him OVER his head into a gutbuster for 2. Right hand
by Christian. On the ropes, chop (wooo!), off the ropes and reversed,
Hayes strikes from behind AGAIN with a hairpull, Christian turns to face
him and hits a right, there's one for Jeff, but Matt hits a fist as
Christian turns back around. Hayes tagged in. Double whip, double kick,
double suplex. Jeff on the top rope - swandive with a flip at the last
minute, very nice. Matt and Mike press Jeff, then drop him on Christian -
1 count, Gangrel breaks it up. Tripleteam on Christian - now Hayes in and
on him - back to the unfriendly corner - now Jeff in. Pickup - drop.
Outside, springboard split-legged splash (wow!) for 2. Tag to Matt, choke
on the second rope, Bossman straddle. I can't handle all these wrestling
moves on a WWF show! (JOKE!) Tag to Hayes - off the ropes - MASSIVE
spinebuster. Doubleteam legdrop (Hayes to the groin, Matt to the throat).
Damn, this is pretty cool shit here. Matt to the chinlock. Christian
gets out and off the ropes - series of quick counters ends with Matt
hitting a Northern Lights suplex. To the second rope, but meeting with a
dropkick in the gut on the way down. Tag to Jeff - tag to Edge -
LIGHTNING spear takes him out of his boots and gives him whiplash in the
process. Flapjack for Matt. Hayes gets in a shot, then poses on the
second rope - Edge walks over, puts him on his shoulders, then drops HIM
on his face. Ooh, Hayes looks rusty and that looked ugly. Everybody in
now. Christian and Gangrel do their finishes on the Hardyz, THEN Edge
hits a somersault plancha on Jeff on the outside for good measure.
Matt's recovered enough to go off the ropes and get backdropped by Hayes
onto the pile. Yow! Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas gives up and calls for
the bell (6DQ? 6:39) and
damn, I want me some more matches like this,
EVERY week. I ENJOY WRESTLING.

Backstage, we see the Rock on a gurney ready for ambulance. His head
looks - ewwwww.

During the Break footage shows the Rock being loaded into the ambulance
and said ambulance speeding away. He's lost a lot of blood and is
disoriented...

Now we see Shane and company - aahhhhh, WALKING! - "Vince is down - Rock
is down - there's only one left. Two down, one to go!"

AL SNOW & HEAD
make their way to the ring as we learn that later, Big Show
and Big Bossman have a match, as well as Austin and Helmsley. Let Us Take
You Back to three months ago at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre where Bob
Holly defeated Al Snow for the Hardcore Title, then at last month's
Backlash, Snow won the title back - or did he? Snow thought Head actually
won, so Holly stole Head and demanded a title shot for her return. Last
week on Head, Holly set up a "match" between Snow and Head, and Snow won -
or rather, Pierre, the one-eyed deer head, won the match. Last NIGHT on
Heat, Holly destroyed Pierre - and despite the best medical efforts, the
deer was dead, baby. Snow is wearing a black armband with "PIERRE"
written on it. "We're here tonight, to - sorry I promised myself I
wouldn't do this - *sob* - Pierre would want me to be strong. We're here
tonight to eulogize a true superstar here of the sports entertainment
world - a coverboy of "Field & Stream" - a friend of the NRA - MY friend,
a true friend, who always kept an eye out for me. You could say that
Pierre was the one eye - the one I love. So here we're gonna pay tribute
to Pierre. My friend..." and he opens the box to reveal the remains of
Pierre (still with neck brace) "I have a few of his favourite things here.
Cigars - Pierre loved to smoke and I always told him they'd be the death
of him - I guess I was wrong. His reading glasses [one eye blacked out,
natch] - his favourite episode of 'Columbo' - his favourite tape - Sammy
Davis, Jnr, you loved Sammy, didn't you? His favourite night shirt that
he wore the night of the first accident - " and he pulls out a negligee
with tire tread marks on it " - Pierre will live on through ME, because
Bob Holly brutally blindsided Pierre. The last time I saw a man violate
an animal like that was when my class took a field trip of the sheep farm!
While Pierre laid in the hospital bed that I made the staff put him in,
with the IV hooked up to him, and he passed on the Hardcore Title to me to
make me the true crown prince of Hardcore, he looked up at me with that
one good eye that had that gleam in it like he always did, and with his
dying breath he said to me 'AAAAAAAAAL-*hock*'..." and now HARDCORE HOLLY
is out with Pierre's antler and eyepatch - he does the slingshot technique
with the eyepatch, then spits on the antler and slams it to eht floor.
Coming in the ring, Holly gets a surprise Headshot, then a Snowplow!
Stomping away. Snow rants and raves - upshot is there'll be a Harcore
title match at Over the Edge - and he'll pay, boy.

MICHAEL KING
COLE
works tonight! And he's STANDING IN FRONT OF AN
EXCITING DOOR! He promises that after the break, he'll talk to Austin.

Ross thanks all of us for making RAW is WAR the highest rated cable
program in history! A USA Today ad cleverly tricks us into thinking that
it must have been a story printed in the USA Today instead of an ad - oh
wait, no it didn't.

Cole tries talking to Austin but before the Ministry can strike, the Union
and other parts of the Ministry fight into the picture. They end up
taking out the camera, aw darn.

Over the Edge national promo #2.

Another small segment... well we should be almost out of ad breaks at this
rate...

And don't forget, Happy Hour is NEXT!

Over the Edge is brought to you by 1-800-COLLECT!

WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW (with the
Onion) v. BIG BOSSMAN (with Mideon &
Acolytes) in a "Winner gets to keep using BIG in their
name" match - I
sure wish they'd settle on a spelling for the former Dennis Knight's
Ministry name - it seems to float between "Midian" and "Mideon." Bossman
hits nightstick shots to start out as the seconds battle on the ramp.
Bossman moves to rights as referee "Blind" Mike Chioda reminds him that
nightstick shots aren't really legal in this match. Clothesline from the
Big Show to come back. Right, right, to the corner, stand on the throat.
He breaks at 5, then stands on the throat again - Bossman kicks to break
it up, hits a Golotta, knees the head, and goes to the head again. The
other six men have apparently battled to the back. Whip is reversed, big
boot from Big Show - Bossman bounces off the ropes into the choke -
ahhhhTHECHOKESLAM (which Ross calls "the Showstopper") and that's all she
wrote. (2:00) He
walks up the ramp to find the rest of his compadres...

Shane, Triple H and Chyna - WALKING! Shane: "You OWN him!"

Cleavage vignette. Here, I'll transcribe this for once, but I STILL won't
like it! "Gosh, Mom, your flapjacks look great!" "Oh, honey. *Gasp!* Oh
no, my little hairy Beaver's all wet! Let me get that for you. That's
better, now we have a dry clean hairy beaver." "Thanks, Mom! Nobody
likes a sloppy Beaver!" Or maybe it's "Harry Beaver." Oh, who cares. I
mean, *snigger snigger* the WWF Brain Trust has DONE IT AGAIN! GENIUS!
BRILLIANCE! It works on SO MANY LEVELS. Awww, fuck it.

Austin & Brown - you think D'Lo would GET THE DAMN MESSAGE already after
getting his ass kicked four times a week...

Time now for the USA Update! This week they correctly identify the show
they're returning to as "the WWF War Zone."

"During the Break" footage shows the Ministry loading into a car and
driving off. Fortunately, the Union's car was parked RIGHT NEARBY, so
they could tumble into THEIR car and follow them...

STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN v. TRIPLE H
(with That Slut Chyna and Skippy) in a
nontitle match - Austin doesn't get to the ramp
before having to duck a
clothesline. Austin with rights to take Triple H to the ramp, he gets up,
he goes down. Scoop and a slam. Knee to the gut - down the ramp we go -
head to the STEEL steps. Right hand again. Right, right takes him over
the barricade. Hey, right, right. Right and he's back over the
barricade. I can't handle all this punching! In the ring and we FINALLY
get the opening bell. Off the ropes, Austin puts the head down, gets
kicked, but recovers and tries a Stunner attempt - but Helmsley leaves the
ring. Austin follows and hits a clothesline. Hot shot on the barricade.
Back to the ring again. Single leg takedown - leg draped across the
bottom rope, and he sits on it, Potsie. Let's do it again! I heard a
called spot! Off the ropes, Helmsley manages a facebuster. Head to the
buckle, kick, punch, kick, punch, kick, punch, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp,
choke. Referee "Blind" Earl Hebner takes a great deal of umbrage at this
much uncontested offence against his boy. Head to another turnbuckle, off
the ropes, reversed, duck, Thesz press and rights a plenty. Off the
ropes, flourished forearm drop for 2. Whip is reversed, and Austin goes
up and over, to the apron, to the floor, and goes to his left knee.
Shane mocks Austin, and Hebner comes out to keep them apart. Now Triple H
is out and on Austin. Taken to the STEEL steps - Austin holding his hip
now. H clotheslines him over the barricade. Right hand. Stomp. Chair
procured - but Hebner wrests it away from him. Now Austin coming back
with punches. There's another right. Austin dismantles the commentary
table, climbs up on it and tries a double sledge, but ends up eating a
gutshot instead. Triple H runs him over the table and to the floor.
Hiptoss onto the table, Austin collapses to the floor. Helmsley stands on
the table and - does nothing. There's an axehandle off the table to the
floor. Still on him - over the table again. Rolled him back in - off the
ropes, reverse, sleeper by Austin! Triple H rolls into it and hits a
belly-to-back suplex. Both men down. Chyna with a choke on the bottom
rope while Shane distracts Hebner. Austin still manages to grab the
tights and try a schoolboy for 2. Helmsley back up with a clothesline and
HE gets 2. To the rear chinlock we go. Cue "Austin" chant. Arm falls
once - arm falls twice - arm nae falls thrice! Austin to his feet, right,
right, right, right, right, right, off the ropes, duck, double
clothesline! Both men down again. Hebner's count to 8 - both men slowly
rise. H charges but gets boots in the midsection, now punching, whip into
the opposite corner is reversed, but Austin hits a clothesline as he
charges back. Repeated rights from Austin - now he's tossed him over the
top rope - he follows - Helmsley tossed over the commentary table! Head
to the table repeatedly - table almost tips over as he shoves him over.
Back to the ring - suplexed back in. Ross: "And we're not even Spanish!"
2 count from Austin. Suddenly, we look up - and see that "symbol" being
lowered to the ring. H with a big kick and now he's looking up too.
Austin with a lariat - now he looks up again. BONG... somehow Austin and
Helmsley get the idea that they are still in a match - Head to the buckle
- as THE
UNDERTAKER
makes it to the apron - Austin with a shot for Triple
H, for Undertaker, Triple H takes him outside and Undertaker waffles away
while Shane gets in the ring. He and Triple H manipulate the symbol while
Undertaker takes Austin to the STEEL steps. Right hands from the
Undertaker. I can't BELIEVE we haven't gotten a DQ yet...? Uppercut from
Undertaker. Rolled in - Triple H with stomping, now Chyna with stomping
too. The CORPORATE
MINISTRY appears at the top of the ramp - hey,
they must have driven back! Hey, the ONION's still following them
'cause
THEY'RE back to! While THAT brawl continues, we see Undertaker trying to
handcuff Austin to the symbol - but it's AUSTIN handcuffing UNDERTAKER to
the symbol! Double bird! Kicking! Punching! Other hand 'cuffed!
Austin raises his arms - and the symbol is raised...but why is the
Undertaker SMILING? And why is he lip-sync'ing to his theme? FIND OUT
SUNDAY! (I guess.)

Let's call the last one around 11:00 and say 7 matches, around
39 minutes.
A bit more if you count the before-the-bell stuff in the "main event" but
we can probably trim that from the ending...eh. This isn't official,
dammit!