“Look Joe, I’ll cut to the chase. I’m giving regional managers until the end of May to sort this out.”

“Regional mangers, Minister?”

“YES! It’s about time you lot were held accountable for this chaos.”

“But Minister, I don’t work for you any more. You sacked all the regional managers at the end of March, remember?”

“Bugger! Oh crap….er…look…can you come back for a while?”

“Of course Minister. I work for PoshblokeSmythe Consulting now. We’ll come and see you and get a proposal to you by the end of next week.”

“It’s a bit more urgent than that Joe. Can’t you just send me a quick email and get started? We’ll sort the details out later.”

“No problem. My fee rate is £4,000 a day.”

“Blimey! That’s a lot more than we used to pay you.”

“Yes but top talent and cutting edge management development don’t come cheap, you know.”

“(Groan) OK, we’ll just have to go with it for now.”

“Just one question, Minister. Wasn’t the whole point of the reforms to leave all this to the market? Weren’t the weak hospitals supposed to go to the wall and the strong ones pick up the slack, thereby making the system more efficient? Wasn’t the government supposed to butt out and let market forces drive up standards?”

“Yes but we don’t have time for all that now. There’s an election in two years time and the last thing we need is an A&E meltdown just before it. If I don’t get this sorted PDQ, Dave will have my plums on a skewer.”

“OK. Better get to work then. I’ll get my team ready.”

“Team?”

“Yes, this will need a few of us. Normally I’d bring them all round and introduce them but we’re pushed for time and, in any case, you know most of them already, as they used to work for you.”

“Er…oh, right….good. Anyway, we’re setting up Urgent Care Boards to co-ordinate things regionally across the country. I’d like you to help get them going.”

“Doesn’t ‘Boards’ sound a bit 1970s centralised welfare state?”

“Yes, I suppose it does. Do you have a better suggestion?”

“How about ‘Strategic Health Authorities’?”

“Yes, that sounds….oh, hang on….”

“Ha ha. Just my little joke, Minister.”

“(Hollow laugh) Yes of course….now I’d like you to start in the North East.”

“Fine. I’ll get my team up to Newcastle on the first flight next week.”

“Flight? Can’t you just jump in the car?”

“Don’t do that any more Minister. Strictly business class only these days.”

“Business cla….Oh alright then!”

“And I’ll need you to sign off some expenses before we go. We usually stay in the Malmaison when we’re up there.”

“Fu…… OK, just do it.”

“Right we’ll get started then. I assume you have plenty of budget for this.”

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