essays

You Know You’re Getting Old When….

You keep getting emails about walk-in bathtubs. What’s the deal with them anyway? I thought the hearing aid and funeral preparation mailers were coming in at a heavy volume, but they are no match for the walk-in tub industry. Judging by their insistence that every baby boomer should be thinking about getting a walk-in tub, I’m thinking it’s time to buy stock in one of these companies (Bliss Tubs, Tub King, Tera-Tub, Medi-Tubs, Envy Walk-in Tubs….the choices are endless).

And why is everyone shown in the advertising and brochures wearing a big fluffy bathrobe? Take a tip from me….if you want to show people enjoying their walk-in tubs, show them naked. That will get me to pull out a credit card and order a walk-in tub --- good looking naked people.

Is it just me or does age 66 or 67 (I’m using the leading edge of boomerdom here) seem a bit early to be thinking about needing a bathtub with a door? How many boomers would be happy with one of those massive walk-in showers that are so large, there’s no door? Raise your hands. Instead, we are supposed to be looking ahead to the day when we can’t lift our legs over a 15 inch ledge without risking life-threatening injury. There must be a ton of research and statistics that support the notion that more injuries occur in the bathroom than any other place on earth. And I just looked that one up (thank you Google): according to the Center for Disease Control, a quarter million Americans over age 15 are injured in the bathroom each year. Two-thirds of the accidents occur in the bathtub or shower, and the rest while on, in or over the toilet (you don’t want to know any more than that).

I do know that if I read this 20 years from now, I’ll be thinking: “What an arrogant bastard. Of course you need a walk-in bathtub. How do you expect older, mobility impaired people to get clean.” I think I saw somewhere that the Japanese are manufacturing a robotic person-washing machine. You sit in a chair and they run some sort of brushless carwash device over you. I think it even does a blow dry cycle at the end, but don’t expect robots with chamois to give you the finishing wipedown.

If it didn’t cost $50,000, I’d buy one today.

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He's written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.