Friday, March 23, 2012

MEMORIES... I WISH THEY DIDN'T HURT SO MUCH

MEMORIES... I WISH THEY WOULDN'T HURT SO MUCHBY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEEDoes anyone remember as a child spending the night at relatives' homes... sleeping on a 'pallet'? You know ...like covers laid on the floor with pillows... more covers to go over you? I remember as a little girl, I loved to sleep on the floor. I loved sleeping on the floor as an adult, until...

Until I had all these surgeries. Gracious... I would feel such pain now, if I slept on the floor. :))) It really would hurt my body..... alot!

I used to enjoy sitting on the floor 'Indian-style' to draw with my colored markers, pencils in their special containers 'sitting all around me'... lots of 'happy colors'! Now... it would really hurt my body to 'get up'. :)))

Do you remember how our grandparents would have a 'big' bowl of cereal at nighttime, watching tv? George and Grandma Alma would have canned peaches in their cereal.... Cornflakes!

I remember George putting the percolator coffeepot on the stove to make fresh coffee. I remember their coffee was very strong! They would tell me when I would ask them for some... 'it'll make you ugly, if you drink coffee as a child'!

Grandma Alma would tell me we would make cinnamon rolls, or make taffy. She would pull herself up on her walker, walk slowly dragging her leg, with one arm 'hanging'... to come into the kitchen to stand at the table. She had a big pan to mix things in... she made biscuits sometimes, with her good hand after washing it.

My Grandma Alma would make watermelon preserves... grape jelly. She'd stand there with her walker helping to support her at the table. Whenever Grandma Alma could cook... it was wonderful! She wasn't able to very often.

My Grandma Alma was the best cook whenever she could go into the kitchen. She was paralyzed from a stroke, she had worked hard all her life. She'd come home and worked in her flowers in the hot sun. How my Grandma Alma must have suffered in silence at how cruel life was to her... it's strange but, I never remembered her complaining.

I never heard George complain ... life was cruel to him, also. He went blind when he was an adult. Poor Grandma Alma and George... the best people in the world ... with the worst life in the world. It doesn't do any good to 'question why'? Life happens.

No matter which of Grandma Alma's daughters would come home to live for a while, with their own children... they were always welcomed at Grandma Alma and George's. Their house wasn't the biggest, and friction would happen ... often.

There was never a 'dull moment' at their house. People either loved too much... or were to the extreme opposite... hating and fighting 'too much'. I can 'see' in my mind George's expression... how he must have felt inside when he couldn't 'see' what was going on... sometimes, he would get hit! It would hurt my heart as a child to see his look of pain, his blind eyes with tears in them. As bad as it sounds, I saw that when I was a child there.

George loved all the little children, he was like a mother hen. He would worry about each and every one of the grandchildren... he was the only grandfather most of us ever knew. He was my Grandma Alma's second husband... we never knew the difference... never. George was 'our George'.

Sometimes... such as at this moment... I find that I can't write as freely about living there as a child. I'll have to wait until another time. For some reason... I could cry right now ... thinking about them. I loved them with my heart... we all loved them with our hearts.

I never heard anyone of the family ever say anything 'bad' about them. For now, I'll have to stop writing about them, it's been many years since they've been gone... for some reason I'm feeling pain thinking about them. Normally... I could write about them, their life, my life ....

I know it seems so much has been sad in my life... that's true. So much was good-bad, too. There have been some really nice things that have and do ... happen in my life. I treasure those things in my mind, they send off sparks of colors when I think about them.

I remember just before my Grandmother Lola died, how impressed she'd been when I began writing letters to her often, I'd make the envelopes special by drawing on the outside of them, and make the 'stationery'.

She loved my work... I remember feeling 'proud' that my Grandmother Lola loved my artwork. I'd never made her letters so special in the years prior to that... did I know she was going to die? I think I did, my Grandmother Lola was 100 years old. She was 'still herself'.

I just realized I was sitting here with my head held down, tears in my eyes ... tonight it's hard to write about them. I wonder if they all knew how much I loved them? How I wish I could see them again.

I wonder 'why' I began writing about them as I sat here thinking about what I'd write about? I know that I don't ever want to forget about them... they each played a big part in my life when I was little. They fed me, let me live in their homes, loved me... I know, I remember seeing tears in their eyes... for me.

Thank-you Grandma Alma, George, Grandmother Lola for caring for me when you didn't have to... Lord only knows where I'd been 'thrown to'... if it weren't for you.

I have been feeling alot of sadness... I let myself 'feel' that way... but, only for a little while. I don't think I will write anymore about them tonight... I will at a later time... when I can. I am amazed that this has happened to me... 'I can't go back into my memories tonight... it's too painful'. I might begin crying, I don't want to do that... I won't dwell here ... for now.

Goodnight everyone. Though I feel sad tonight... I know everything is going to be alright. All of this just comes from loving so much ... memories, I wish they didn't hurt so much.

3 comments:

Oh, Gloria! I loved your memory share. Very brave to pick up those memories, dust them off, and put them in the light of today. Thank you for being part of my grief journey. Hugs to you from south Texas!

I do remember your Grandma Alma and George. They were nice as far as I could tell. I lived next door to them (and you when you were there). It is sad that she had the stroke and George went blind. One thing about George--no one cheated him out of his money. I remember my dad telling me that even though George was blind---he could tell someone what each piece of money was. Dollar bills as well as coins! You should have good memories of them as well as your bad ones. They did love you!! Love, Ms. Nancy

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Come follow Camie's journey as her little body heals ... I rescued her from death's door... where she lay on the cold, wet ground... dying.

This little Puppy has been on the most painful path in her life. Her skin has been one 'open sore' on her whole body.

With everyone's help with prayers, donations... Camie is slowly getting well. She has suffered so much. She doesn't have to, now... not when she has 'all of us'...

Thank-you from my very Heart for you continuous donations... for your healing prayers, thoughts.

You can call, donate at her veterinarian in Louisburg, NC if you'd like. They will put the money directly on her account, deduct it as Camie goes each week for her injection, any medical treatment needed.

By the way... the staff, veterinarian... Dr. David Fontenot... are animal lovers... good people. We love them.

Here's the info to donate at (please don't feel obligated to... we will take care of Camie the best way we can... thank-you if you do!):

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Grief Is Like This...

To those of you who have never lost a child, remember this... grief doesn't just 'stop'. It may ease off for a while, only to come back full-force. It may come back softly... no one can predict grief, nor can they predict the severity of it.

When I write about grief, I welcome you to come to 'see'... without actually having to experience it in your life. Come quietly, read... and go on with your life. Love your children with your heart... I pray that you never lose one to know ... personally what I write about.

See... reading about 'my grief'... can make you treasure your children who are here, whom you love with your very heart.

Leave my blog, and love your children... more... while you have your chance. My chance is... gone. My son has died... he is here no more... my chance to love him more is 'forever' gone... yours, isn't.

Thankfully, I told my son I loved him always... that has been my only comfort through this time.

My blog is about grief for the loss of my child... it will always be just that... no matter how happy I am, or what I write about.

I will come here to write about grief as it happens. You don't even have to leave a comment... just slip in, read quietly, leave and go about your life; go out of your way to let your children know how you treasure them.

Don't worry about me... I've known pain all my life... I will do like always... I will face it 'head-on'... I might cry a lot, but... I will continue getting back up. Do you know why? Because, no matter what, I still believe somehow... everything will be alright.

Just remember, when you visit my blog... no matter what I write, or feel... this blog is about pure grief, about the loss of my son, Tommy.

Grief is sure to come most unexpectedly ... like the waves the sea tosses upon the sand... sometimes, crashing violently... sometimes, in a gentle way.

All it takes is a memory, a scent, seeing someone who looks like... I am like the sand, always changing with the tides, but... always there... as the waves of grief wash over me.

Sometimes, I can let go, be happy, all will be normal again... until a storm comes up in the ocean, sending big waves my way. The sun will be hidden by the gray sky, taking my happiness away... I begin ... all over again, and ... again.

I keep smiling through my tears. Everything will be alright... again... until the next time. Grief is like this...

Granny Gee's Life...The Colors of My Life

The happy colors in my life are my husband, Skip and our Pups. On May 29, 2010... my only child, my son Tommy died. I became lost in life on a long, dark path on my journey looking for sunshine again. I almost never came back.. Skip wouldn't let me go. He is my hero, my best friend, my world. I love you my husband.

Artwork by Gloria ... in memory of Tommy

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My Son, Tommy's Last Photo... May 29, 2010

Tommy collapsed just a short time after they arrived at Myrtle Beach while playing with Taban...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I gave Tommy gold nugget (my class ring)... he wore until the moment he went to heaven...May 29, 2010

My Handsome Son, Tommy

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I love this photo, I wanted it here... twice

My Son, Tommy, has gone to Heaven now...

I am lucky to have photos of Tommy, us. We lost all in a house fire December 2004. I had a huge suitcase of photos upstairs that were damaged by water, and fire. So, if you see imperfections in my photos... it's because of that.

Tommy walked into Heaven on May 29, 2010 from the sand at Myrtle Beach. He was doing something he'd been looking so forward to doing.... playing his first time at the beach with his little 3 year old son, Taban.

I'll never forget him standing on the deck the evening before, smiling his big, happy 'Tommy' smile, saying he was looking forward to playing with his son for the first time, at the beach.

Tommy had changed his mind, no one knew 'why'.... to not going with the family to Myrtle Beach... to going. It was his last trip... his first, last time to play with Taban, his little son.

They were running, squealing with joy, laughing ...Tommy was sending me photos on his cellphone to my computer back home. His fingers slipped off the video ... he collapsed there on the sand.

The phone rung, the caller ID showed Tommy was calling! I answered it, my mind became confused as I realized it wasn't Tommy, but.. a strange man's voice saying.... 'I have a man lying here on the beach, he's not breathing'!

My life forever changed ... he was my only child whom I loved with my very heart. Tommy had 2 blockages in his heart... no one knew... he was only 40 years old.

I am keeping my son's memory alive, my memory alive for my grandchildren... Taban and McKenzie. I don't have family left who can do that for me. I sit and write my life's stories, my thoughts here ....everyday. I will write until the day ... I die. Tommy nor I, nor Skip ... our Pups ... will ever be forgotten. I hope my grandchildren will one day read this to know... that we loved them, I loved them.... that they were indeed ... thought of .... often.

You will see a mother who has fought her way back from a very dark place to be here now. You will see a mother's real grief here and how she learns from all that's happened in her life. I will write here how grief happens 'out of the blue'... let you know how it feels as it happens. I pray that you never lose a child to know personally how it feels. It's unlike anything you've ever experienced.

I would like to grow older gracefully, not old...mean, bitter or angry. I love the light of the sunshine warming my heart and soul... not letting any dark places remain there.

I can 'see' now on my life's path... I want to live. The light on my path shows me exactly where to go... it used to be so cold, dark... I was a lost soul for over 2 years.

You, my readers... friends... family mean the world to me. Each day I look forward to talking to you, you talking to me.

Thank you for being here for me.

Love, Granny Gee / aka Gloria Faye Brown Bates :)))

My Handsome Son...

Tommy...

Tommy ... My Precious Son

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My Son and I...

Gloria and Tommy...

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COLORS OF MY LIFE... ME, GRANNY GEE

I love colors... sunshine colors of yellow and goldColors that I can see, holdHappy colors of pink, blue and greenColors of all kinds, almost every color I've ever seenThey lift me up, they pull me downI look for happy colors all aroundDark colors can be very sadBright colors can make me so gladTo be alive, to be able to walkTo see, to be able to talkI'm so thankful for all I have in my lifeOur special pups, and to be Skip's wifeColors, colors, colors of every kindLife stories they are, stories that are... mine.

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Tommy

My Precious Son...

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Gloria/Granny Gee 2012

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