After months and months of debating I decided to start selling BeautyCounter products last week. I love how good they are for your body and the earth. I love that I feel safe rubbing my face against McCoy’s when I’m using the lotions. And I love using the baby line on him!

I don’t plan to post about it a lot, but if any of you lovely readers are interested in learning more about the products, please don’t hesitate to ask!

A few of my favorites are:

The Dew Tinted Moisturizer. I love this for very light, daily coverage. It has SPF, which is a plus. I wear this + mascara for my daily routine.

No. 1 Brightening Facial Oil. This is my current favorite. I absolutely love the scent an how it makes my skin look. It’s deeply moisturizing and was perfect, especially, when I was super dry from breastfeeding.

Overnight Resurfacing Peel. I only use this a few times a week, but I feel like it really helps slough away dead skin cells and brighten my complexion.

The Cleansing Balm. I love this as a moisturizing makeup remover. It saves my dry skin in the winter!

Makeup Remover Wipes. These are definitely the most effective makeup remover wipes I’ve used. They are also compostable, which is awesome.

The sunscreen. Chris and I used the screen in Greece and didn’t burn once! It’s amazing.

Body Butter in Citrus Mimosa. Are you noticing a theme here? My skin clearly trends toward dry :) This lotion is incredible. I put it on at night and still feel moisturized in the morning.

One year ago tonight, I went into labor. My water broke and, a whirlwind nine hours later, we held our sweet son, McCoy. The minute I saw him, I felt like I already knew him. I wrapped my arms around his tiny 7-pound body and, suddenly years of worrying that my arms weren’t toned enough or my hands weren’t feminine melted away. I felt like my limbs were made for this very moment, this very purpose.

I held him on my chest for hours, which felt like seconds. When the nurse suggested I give Chris the opportunity for a little skin-to-skin contact, I thought: but he’ll be so far away from me.

And that’s how I’ve felt at every turn this year. A run without him? A half day away? A new babysitter? Each one stretched me, pushed me. My sister, Ashley, wisely told me this: know your limits. Some mamas need weekends away to be refreshed. Some just need nap time and a babysitter. There’s no right way to practice self-care besides knowing what’s best for you.

This year has stretched me to new lengths in so many ways. I didn’t know how great our capacity to love was. I feel like my heart has quadrupled in size. I also didn’t know how lonely new motherhood could feel or how out of control moments could be. I have to practice, daily, to loosen my grip, opening my hands just a little bit more.

I had no idea that McCoy’s joy would become mine. Or that his laughter would be so healing. Truly like honey to my soul.

I also had no idea how much the thought of the Earth without him would terrify me. It takes my breath away. I can’t imagine this world - the one I knew for 31 years before him - without his smile, his laugh, his precious face. It feels unbearable to even type that sentence.

Sometimes I want McCoy and Chris nearby because I think I can keep them safe if they’re within arms reach. It’s an embarrassing belief in myself, in my own control. I think if we can just maintain enough control and care and - perhaps - are good enough, bad things won’t happen to any of us.

But I know it’s not this way.

I realized early on that the practice of putting him down in his crib each day, away from me, would serve as a form of faith. He is no longer in my arms or under my watchful eye. I must trust that he is OK by himself. Someday, he’ll go to preschool or kindergarten and we’ll practice it again. And friends’ houses. And ride in cars. And go to college.

And I’ll be on my knees, each time, knowing that every bit of it is weaning him from me in a new way. It’s making me stronger in my faith and more inclined to trust the growing space between us.

So here we are, on the eve of his first birthday. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for 365 days with this precious soul, this beautiful face, this tiny mohawk. Our marriage is stronger with him in our life. Our love as a family has only grown deeper. And this world is brighter with him in it. I feel so honored to get to watch him grow.

My therapist recently told me one of my gifts is always knowing what I want next in life and being unrelenting until I get it. She meant it as a compliment, but, it wasn’t hard to see the darker side of this quality: it’s hard for me to rest when I desire something in the future. This can lead to unnecessary discontentment. It leads to an inability to sink into the present. Sure, it makes me great at executing a checklist. But sometimes we’re meant to be still - not moving forward. Some seasons can’t be rushed through with a goal and a plan. They need to be indulged. We need to be still. To wait.

Waiting is, maybe, one of my least favorite activities. I can’t begin to count the number of times my dad said, “Whitney, patience is a virtue,” growing up. God, I don’t think you got it wrong, but can I choose kindness and diligence as my virtues instead?

A friend of mine recently told me her baby’s newborn days don’t look how she expected them to. They’ve had to move and she’s lonely and, honestly, things just haven’t been as blissful as she anticipated. Her words hit home for me.

Sometimes, I wait so long to reach a season and then, when I get there, it doesn’t meet my expectations. Not because anything is wrong with it, but because I’ve yearned for it so deeply that it would be impossible for it to live up to my ideals.

The first time this happened to me was when I graduated college. By the end of my senior year, I was ready to move to adulthood. I dreamed of working, getting married, buying a house and starting a family. I wanted to mow the lawn and garden and grow a home full of babies of love. Six years after graduation, when I was single, unsure of what I wanted to do with my career and living in a rental, I felt so disappointed: this is not what I thought my life would look like.

It can happen during any season and catches you off guard: when college isn’t as fun as you expected. When being a newlywed feels lonelier than you anticipated. When being a new mom doesn’t feel as blissful as you thought it would.

This winter, Chris was traveling every week. We live near my family, but it’s a 25-minute drive. With a new baby and a traveling husband, the distance felt longer than I ever thought it could. I remember crying one night as I fed McCoy at bedtime, thinking, I just never expected to feel this lonely with so many people I love nearby. I never thought I’d feel this way with the sweetest baby in the world in my arms. This just isn’t what I expected.

And then, I felt ashamed. I used to live eight hours from my family! This distance is nothing. What is wrong with me? But, as my sister Ashley reminded me:

shaming ourselves for our feelings doesn’t make them go away, it just makes us feel worse.

It’s OK to admit a season of life isn’t what you expected. It’s OK to need time to process it.

But then, we have to keep going. We can’t sit in the discontentment or constantly rush through to the next season. Contentment must be found within. The joy is found in practicing gratitude each day. In noticing the little blessings along the way. When I felt sad this winter, I started to speak my daily joys: I love the morning routine McCoy and I have. I love taking him on walks. I love going to the library with him. I love how excited he is when Chris gets home. I love the way he laughs and smiles when I come into his room each morning.

With every day, I tried to sink into the present more and more. Before I knew it, I hadn’t thought about my frustrations in weeks. Not because they were no longer there, but because I trained my brain to see the good more than the bad. It sounds a little Polly Anna, but, the truth is, it’s a discipline I needed to relearn. It’s probably one I will continue to learn every year, too.

Every season has both bitter and sweet. I’m learning to acknowledge the bitter. To recognize it and pray through it. But then? To sink deeply into the sweet, letting it wash over me each day.

I’ve been in such a weird place with writing lately. I get all of these ideas, sit down to post about them and then nothing comes to me. I keep trying to write through it, but it seems this season is really more about listening than speaking. I’m not quitting blogging; just quiet.

In the meantime, I thought I’d share a few things I’m loving:

This banana cake. Yum, yum, yum. I haven’t tried the icing, but we ate it as cupcakes with peanut butter for dessert last night. So delicious! I used a mix of almond and oat flour.

Our Stokke Tripp Trapp High Chair. A handful of people messaged me on Instagram about our high chair after I posted Mac eating dinner. We absolutely love it. It is definitely an investment, but worth every penny.

HelloBello. I’ve had a hard time finding plant-based, affordable baby wipes. Enter, HelloBello from Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. We’ve tried the dipes, wipes, diaper rash cream and baby wash and have loved them all. You can order everything at Walmart and use Ebates for 5% cash back. Can’t beat that!

This Royal Baby FAQ made me laugh because it’s sort of stalkerish, yet I kept clicking to know more and more. Does anyone else feel like Meghan has been pregnant for a really long time?

We just booked our first trip sans babe for later this year. I’m so excited to make some memories just Chris and myself. And will also probably feel like crying without McCoy with us. Parenthood. So emotional. :)

Liven up your inbox!

Hit the road!

A little note:

From time to time, I use affiliate links when I share a product. If you purchase a product after clicking an affiliate link, I receive a small percentage of the sale for the referral at no extra cost to you. Thank you for your continued support - it means so much to me!