Tuesday, November 16, 2010

From the Crazy White Folks File: Burglar Arrested With Mouse Found in His Rectum

Um, yeah... so... OK... you read the title and yes, it is about what it says it's about. In swear, some of these stories you guys send me via email sound like the type of stuff straight out of a Hollywood movie.

I mean there's no way that something like this is true, right? But there's a mug shot to accompany this story. Which means, that, well, somebody got arrested, and yeah... the mouse in the booty thing could quite possibly be true.

I promise, you can't make this shit up, people:

SENECA, SC (WCSC) - A burglary call for Oconee County sheriff's deputies turned bizarre Monday morning when their suspect was found naked with a mouse in his rectum and apparently drugged, an incident report shows.

Authorities responded to Bernwood Circle near the town of Seneca late Monday morning after a resident complained of a burglar. When deputies arrived, they found Noah Smith, 24, lying face down and naked inside the doorway of the victim's home, the report stated.

When the deputy tried to make contact with Smith, he slapped the deputy. In return, the deputy deployed his taser, which had no effect on Smith, the report stated.

With reinforcements, deputies approached Smith again in the victim's bedroom. A deputy managed to handcuff Smith before he jumped off the victim's bed and tried to kick other deputies in the room, the report stated.

Then, according to the report, Smith was pepper sprayed. Undeterred, Smith continued to kick at the officers and otherwise evade capture. He was struck with a police baton several times, and Smith attempted to bite the deputy.

Smith's head and mouth were covered with a blanket to prevent him from biting. He was wrestled down so shackles could be placed on his legs and his arms were hog-tied, the report stated. An EMS crew responded and provided a stretcher to which Smith was also tied.

Deputies and officers from the Seneca Police Department opined that Smith might have been high on mushrooms, and identified equipment that could be used to get high in the victim's home.

During a medical exam at a nearby hospital, medical personnel found a mouse tail hanging from Smith's rectum. An X-ray revealed a mouse lodged inside Smith.

He told emergency room personnel that he could not remember what had happened to him.

After the medical exam, he was charged with resisting arrest, 1st and 3rd degree assault a battery charges, and indecent exposure. Smith was transported to the Oconee County Detention Center. (source)

Now I could understand being high out of your damned mind enough to be unstoppable. I've seen dudes on "Cops" so high that tasers, pepper spray and even bullets don't mean shit to them when they encounter the police.

So yeah, I could see a guy sitting in jail telling his story about how he whooped the police's ass like he was the Hulk. But, I don't think beating the po-po's ass with a mouse in your rectum qualifies as thug-ish.

But hey, maybe that's how they get down in South Carolina. Lord knows I've done some silly shit while being drunk and or high in my life. But I'd be damned if I've ever done some stuff that landed me in jail, or at least left me having to explain some shit so f@#ked up that I'd have to leave the state.

I mean, at what point do you decide to put a rodent in your asshole and break into houses? I swear, you white folks do some crazy shit. I've heard of Richard Gere and Gerbils in the booty, but a mouse?

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