Monday, December 5, 2011

I’ve never been a fan of numbers.Don’t get me wrong – I love math and always have.No, it’s the practice of attaching a number to everything that makes me squirm.And, beyond that, giving those numbers significance, as if they have irrevocable power over us.

I say fight the power!They’re just numbers, after all.And, in my opinion, this goes double for the number most likely to mash you under its quantitative thumb:your age.

What is this voodoo that the digits do, anyway?It seems that as you approach the end of your twenties, each age is laden with some kind of meaning, especially the ones that end in zero and five.And, I think for most people, that meaning is negative.

I remember years ago when one of my girlfriends mentioned that she had started wearing a heart monitor to the gym.“Why, is something wrong?” I asked, startled.“No,” she replied and looked at me as though I were being dense.“But now that we’re in our thirties, we can’t be too careful.”

I could have pinched her head off, I was so disgusted.What kind of attitude was this?And what accessory would she be sporting the next time we met for coffee – a walker?I was 32 at the time, and I remember thinking, I don’t know which thirties you’re in, but they’re sure not the thirties that I’m in!

Looking back now from my perch in my mid-forties, her comment seems even more ridiculous.More than a decade later, it would never occur to me to strap on a heart monitor for a routine workout, any more than I would consider asking someone to drive me to the store to do my weekly marketing.The more I think about it, my approach to life, health and, well, pretty much everything hasn’t changed much in the last 25 years.

Why?Because I’m totally immature.

Now, before you tsk-tsk, let me say that I pay the bills on time, floss every morning and night and keep my children’s vaccinations strictly up to date.I’m not irresponsible, I’m immature.There’s a diff.

Wondering if you’re immature, too?Ask yourself these questions:In the last six months, have you quoted a line from “Wayne’s World” to the grocery store cashier?When you stop at a red light, do you see other drivers looking around, trying to locate the source of the thumping bass?Have you ever taught the other moms at the PTA meeting how to make that armpit-fart sound?

If you answered yes to any of the above, then congratulations!You, too, are in complete denial about your biological age.And, while I’m not typically a fan of denial, this particular type is, as Martha Stewart would say, “a good thing.”After all, what’s the alternative - embracing some kind of personality or outlook shift that is “supposed to” accompany your age?(There’s that pesky number again, bossing everyone around.)

No, I’m not willing to stifle or snuff out aspects of myself to fit some prefab set of age-appropriate expectations; that would feel fake.And, while I will go to my grave with my authentic gray hairs masked under a layer of artificial salon color, the notion of acting fake is simply unacceptable.

I should warn you, though, that being your authentic immature self when you are, in fact, mature (chronologically, at least), can make your peers uncomfortable.They will let you know it, too, with words like “crazy” and “silly.”(I get that a lot.)Once they see that they aren’t dissuading you from eating a jumbo box of Junior Mints while perfecting your Dougie, however, they usually lose interest and go back to reading the Wall Street Journal or oiling the teak patio furniture or whatever it is that emotionally mature people do.

It’s cool.

In my opinion, the point is that we should all be ourselves throughout the decades without regard to any stereotypical notion of how a person should behave in their forties, fifties or beyond.In my case, for better or worse, part of that package is the irresistible urge to applaud when someone drops a plate in a restaurant.You, too?Well, come on over and pull out a chair.You’re always welcome at my lunch table.

Two Bay Area Appearances This Week

I'm excited to say that I will be in Northern California later this week and will be reading/signing books at two outstanding independent bookstores. If you're in the area, I hope you'll stop by so we can chat it out in person. (And who knows? There might be a free foot sander in it for you...)

19 comments:

Dude. I'm fighting the numbers all the way to the couch. So much emphasis is placed on your age and how you should therefore act accordingly. I'm with you! If I'm inspired to bounce on the beds with the kids and wear the same styles my daughters wear, so be it! I am not my number!

Amen. And that's why I turned a good portion of my hair pink in honor of my 41st birthday. And it's why I'm prone to dancing in the middle of Target if there's a good song on, much to the mortification of my daughters.

Does screaming from the open window of a moving car that you are being tortured by the Buble Christmas CD count?

I decided to avoid numbers - What do I weigh? I don't know. A little more than is probably ideal for me but I can still get into the majority of trousers on the rail that is all that matters worrying to the grave over a few lbs here or there is a bit daft

One of the perks of my job as a middle school teacher is being both the authority figure in the room, and having an audience. When one of the kids accidentally quotes a line form a song they do not know but I do (think 60's/70's/80's), I sing it back at them while doing a little rhythm movement. I love when they get embarrassed for me.

I think I need to be more immature than I am. I do enjoy (more than I always admit to my kids) the ridiculous jokes they make up that are full of potty humor, though. So at least I'm not a total dud. ;)

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Anna Lefler is an award-winning writer and humorist and the author of THE CHICKTIONARY: FROM A-LINE TO Z-SNAP, THE WORDS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW (Adams Media, November 2011). Her work has appeared online at Salon.com, McSweeney's, TheBigJewel, MyPheme, FunnyNotSlutty and HumorPress. Anna's essays on modern motherhood have been nationally syndicated and her fiction has been presented onstage by WordTheatre Los Angeles. She has performed standup comedy in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv, the Comedy Store, Room 5 Lounge and M Bar. Anna can also be found at www.annalefler.com, where she is trying to stop referring to herself in third person.