Your Half-Hearted Slog Coverage of the Academy Awards!!

4:45 PMJean Dujardin from The Artist says to a red carpet interrogator, "I'm not a puppet. I'm an artist." Then he praises America for our cinnamon rolls.

4:54 PMThe red carpet is 500 feet long and 35 feet wide, an announcer announces. Then Zach Galifianakis tells a questioner, "I took a bath today."

5:37 PMBilly Crystal says, "We're here at the beautiful Chapter 11 theater." Then, "Nothing can take the sting out of the world's economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues." Then musical theater begins happening. Meanwhile, Slog commenter kcrobinson points out, "This is clearly more of a quarter-hearted attempt at coverage." Mmm hmm!

5:50 PMFor reasons unknown, Billy Crystal pretends to eat popcorn, and then they show clips of Forrest Gump, When Harry Met Sally, and Demi Moore crying in Ghost.

6:18 PMBilly Crystal says that he wanted to hug a black woman after seeing The Help but he was in Beverly Hills and "the nearest one was about a 45-minute drive." That vaguely funny joke is followed by a five-minute joke about The Wizard of Oz.

6:37 PMLotsa flipping and people standing on each other's heads, courtesy of Cirque du Soleil.

8:32 PMMeryl Streep wins her billionth award for a role in an incomprehensibly boring movie. She gets to the stage saying, "Oh my gawd. Oh, come on. When they called my name I had this feeling that I heard half of America go, 'Oh come on, no, not her. Oh well. Whatever.'" As lovely a speech as you'd expect. Unfortunately, it is followed by the appearance of Tom Cruise.