“Believe me, Ms. Obama, you will suffer the harshest punishment available under the law.”

Baucus went on to say that he was disgusted by the second-grader’s “ruthless greed, especially at a time when so many honest Americans have to go without.” According to witnesses, the chairman repeatedly demanded that Sasha respond to the charges before her and refrain from trying to dodge questions by playing with her pigtails, leaving to use the bathroom, and asking what “personable accountafrility” means.

“The fact that you keep looking over to your mother to find out what to say suggests guilt on your part,” Baucus said. “Well, young lady, I’m afraid you’ve run out of places to hide. The American people are finally going to get the explanation they deserve.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. You will not walk away from this, Ms. Obama.”

[Charges] included Sasha’s failure to declare the weekly earnings she took in for helping to wash the dishes at night; several oral contracts the child entered into, whereby she received small stipends of taxpayer money for finishing all of her homework; and, perhaps most damning of all, the gifts she is said to have accepted from lawmakers, Cabinet members, and aunts and uncles visiting the White House on her birthday.

Still reeling from the controversy of having three of his Cabinet nominees investigated for owing back taxes, President Barack Obama attempted to distance himself from this latest situation.

“I’m sorry, but I barely know this woman,” Obama said during his testimony before the committee. “Apart from a few conversations we’ve had in the past eight years, I’d say she’s a complete stranger.”

Watch this space: Every good conwoman needs an accomplice —

… nah, too obvious — and what conman says “oh man,” like that? But wait, what’s that red in the corner of the helicopter shot — it couldn’t be

— from the looks of it Carmen is on the homework hustle with “‘Mr. Fuzzles’ and a ‘Professor Peanut Butter.'” Oh, Sasha’s good.