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My fiancé and I are planning our smallish wedding without bridesmaids and groomsmen. We’re in our mid-thirties and have figured out our budget.

We’ve decided that we don’t want attendants. We went to too many weddings where attendants and family members stirred up drama which caused bad vibes.

Here’s our reasoning:

We’ve both been attendants ourselves so we understand that the cost, especially if you have to travel to a wedding, is a huge commitment, anywhere between $1,000-$2,000 per wedding.

Friends who thought they were close friends had hurt feelings because they hadn’t been chosen to be in the wedding party.

On the other hand, we know that it is hard to say no when someone asks you to be their maid-of-honor or best man.

Does my college roommate, at whose wedding I was a bridesmaid, assume she is one of my bridesmaids?

Several friends are pregnant, making choosing the bridesmaid’s dresses a nightmare.

Others have small children that will have to be fed.

We’ve decided that our wedding should be an inclusive wedding of our truly closest family and friends. And where certain guests are not signaled out as more special than others. Everyone will be treated equally.

Quite frankly, I don’t want to have to even invite my best friend from high school and my fiancé doesn’t want to be guilt tripped into inviting all of his first cousins, their spouses and children.

It would be easier not to have attendants but let those who wish to give a reading or be an usher, offer to do so. What do you think?

–AS, Watch Hill, RI

The older you are when marrying, the greater the expectations for the wedding, because you've accumulated more relationships and family members.

Historically, attendants, bridesmaids and groomsmen, were appointed to protect the wedding couple from evil spirits. Practically thinking, you really don't need to have all those attendants!

Whether you have six attendants each or twelve each, you'll be spending too much energy on keeping everyone happy. For you, it may be better to have none.

Make everyone happy by sparing your friends the huge commitment of being an attendant.

You can get yourselves down the aisle without attendants.

Avoid drama, invite only your best friends.

Ask yourselves, Are attendants more of a hassle than an honor?

The current trend: Fifty percent of couples choose not to have large weddings with attendants.

~Didi

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We’re overwhelmed by the number of our friends — who after receiving their save-the-date cards — have asked if they can bring a plus one to our wedding this summer. The best man asked us if he could bring a mutual friend as his plus one. He wants to know if he can get him invited to our wedding!

We know the guy who wants to be the best man’s plus one, so if we wanted him to come to our wedding, we would have sent him a save-the-date card. How do we handle this?

–BC, Seattle, WA

The whole plus one situation can be murky. A guest bringing his own guest. Especially if the plus one knows the wedding couple and knows that he wasn't invited. A wedding isn't just any party. It is a celebration of a marriage.

You only invite people whom you like, like a lot, or love. If you, the bride and groom, had wanted the wanna be plus one at your wedding, you would have invited him.

What to know about plus one:

As the host, unless you're not particular, make a list of assumed single people you are inviting whom you want to extend a plus one invitation to your wedding.

If the guest doesn't list his plus one's name on the reply care to the ceremony, find out the name of the guest your guest is bringing as their plus one.

Add that person's name to your guest list after the original guest's name on the spreadsheet. That way if the name of the plus one changes, at least you're keeping a correct head count.

What people who haven't hosted a wedding don't know is this:

As a guest, he or she is being invited because they're liked by the wedding couple or their parents.

If a mutual friend hasn't been invited, it is because the bride and groom don't want him at their wedding, so it is in bad manners to bring him as your plus one.

It can be hurtful to the plus one to be told they weren't invited because they aren't liked, so don't push it.

Make it clear that if a guest is bringing a plus one, s/he sends a gift from the bridal registry from both the original guest and his/her plus one.

The plus one can certainly send his own gift from the bridal registry, as a thank-you for having been invited, but don't count on it.

At this age when your guests are apt to be in one of the various stages of complicated, dramatic or knotty coupledom or uncoupling or single, choose your plus ones carefully.

Who gets a plus one to the wedding?

Don't get caught up in being stuck with a revolving guest list of unwanted plus ones -- surprises that you either don't know or don't like.

Do give a plus one to a friend's SO when they've been together for over six months and you've met him or her more than once.

Don't give an open plus one because you're stuck if you know the plus one and don't like him or her.

Do give a guest traveling from afar, who may not know people at your wedding, the option of having a plus one.

Don't think you have to offer all of your extended family members plus ones, the fact that they're family means that they'll have people to talk to at the wedding anyway.

Do ask single participants in your bridal party if they would like a plus one, and get the name and address of the person to whom you can send an invitation.

Don't get talked into giving someone a plus one once the list has been finalized, which is after the cutoff date for the reply card return. Even if he says, "She's the one. I can't wait for you to meet her."

Important: On your wedding website, in person, and by word of mouth, get the word out that it is a "small wedding" and that you are not giving out many plus ones because you have a tight and concise guest list.

Often the size of the list depends upon the fire code of the venue where the reception is taking place.

Leave your answer at that.

A small wedding is in the eye of the beholder. What a small wedding may be to you, might look like a big wedding to me.

Be clear, your actual invitation list is key to controlling the amount of plus ones:

Couple: With a good pen print the names of the guests who are invited on the outside and inside envelopes (if you're using two both).

Mr. Matthew J. Whitman (guest)

Ms. Annie Louise Kelley (plus one)

(their address)

For a family: when residing at the same address, list on the inside and outside envelopes the names of the children you wish to invite. For instance you may not have accommodations for small children and babies. You can also list, or just list, those names in the upper left hand corner of the actual invitation:

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A childhood friend died a short time ago and we can’t figure out how to contact his family to offer our condolences. He wasn’t married nor did he have a SO — that we know of.

He was visiting friends of his in Palm Beach as a houseguest when he died “peacefully in his sleep,” but we don’t know the names of his hosts.

We just heard about his death in Palm Beach through a mutual friend who didn’t know the details. As the deceased did not have a next of kin, we don’t know how we can express our sympathy. What would you suggest?

–Name Withheld

Go to Legacy.com to find information about your friend and where to send your condolences. He may not have had a close next of kin, but information as to who that closest person might be, can possibly be found there.

The site will list the name of the deceased and person in charge of his estate (either a partner, significant other, lover, cousin, lawyer, an estate manager, appointed representative, or closest blood relative), along with the name of the funeral home director, who handled the burial and should respond in a timely fashion to a quick phone call to provide you with that contact's information.

There is no time constraint on sending a condolence note. Whoever is handling your friend's personal affairs will appreciate your taking the time to write him or her a note.

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This question about gender based job discrimination may be an ethics question or it may be about etiquette, perhaps you can help me. I’ve applied for a big job that I know I’ll be good at.

Am I under any obligation to give information about my children? Friends, who are also mothers in a similar dilemma and “confessed” to having children, didn’t get the job.

I am totally covered as far as childcare is concerned, but if something did come up and it was discovered that I have children, will it seem that I’ve done something remiss by not having volunteered that information?

–Name Withheld

On the job application there should not have been a question about children or, for that matter, any gender based job discrimnation issue. During a job interview you're not obliged to bring up your parental status. You should not be asked.

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: Equal Opportunity, prohibits employment discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin and sex. Legally, you cannot be penalized for being a mother.

Remember that a man who makes it known that he has children is traditionally paid a higher salary or/and accrues more benefits than a woman in the same job.

Men in the workplace are rewarded for having children, while women doing the same job are penalized.

Keep your parental status private: My best advice is to keep quiet about the kids until after you're weathered and tested. Leave your children's photos in your office desk drawer and on your cellphone. Eventually when you've secured the respect of your colleagues and those you report to, gently let out tidbits of news about your brilliant off-spring. Sorry, that's the way it is.

Should a colleague say, "I didn't know that you had children," nonchalantly respond saying, "I didn't think anyone would be interested."

The biggest mistake in terms of office politics is swearing one or two coworkers to secrecy. Your maternal status shouldn't be a secret per se, as a man wouldn't have had to keep his adorable kids hush-hush, because strutting paternity is considered macho.

It's the gaming system. You're not alone. I know that it doesn't sound fair, but until you're sure of safe footing, you may have to play the game.

Of course, if you're directly asked in a job interview (which is illegal) it may be the first clue that the job really isn't for you.

Check out the company culture at glassdoor.com.

~Didi

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We’re concerned about having uninvited small children at our daughter’s wedding, because it is child-free. The groom’s niece is the flower girl, but aside from her, she is the only child in the wedding. The groom’s sister and brother-in-law have said that the child will be at the church to perform her duty as flower girl, but will go home with a sitter after the ceremony and not be at the cocktail hour or seated dinner reception.

The child’s parents are both in the wedding party. We were grateful for that info and the fact that we wouldn’t have to worry about a four-year-old running loose on a soda and cake sugar high.

The problem is that the grooms’ friends are assuming that because little Harriet is a flower girl, they can bring their children to our daughter’s wedding. They are actually listing the names of their children on their return reply card for the reception.

How do we politely contact them to say that their children weren’t invited? Their names weren’t on the invitation envelope or written on the invitation itself. Is it rude not to invite them?

Are we expected to have to provide childcare? It seems like an unnecessary expense for us, and we don’t want the added responsibility.

–AW, Charleston, SC

About child-free weddings: What child doesn't look cute all dressed up participating in the ceremony, but don't let kids kidnap your daughter's wedding reception. Especially if you're paying the bills, so you draw the line and set the formality of the wedding.

You don't have to invite children and you didn't.

So you can stick to that excellent decision.

The only reasons you would invite children to a wedding:

They are the child of the bride and groom.

They are the child of the bride or groom from another relationship.

They are siblings or step-siblings of the bride or groom.

There is nobody to watch the child while his/her parent(s) attend the wedding.

The child is twelve-years-old or older, and then -- only if there is a connection with the bride or groom.

The reasons why you would NOT invite children to a wedding reception:

The wedding is very formal, either white tie or black tie.

The reception is held at six o'clock or later in the evening.

The dinner is seated formally with place cards and table cards.

There won't be any accommodations to feed, seat or entertain small children.

There won't be any childcare available at the wedding ceremony or reception.

Most importantly, this wedding is all about the bride and groom and really isn't about children who are not directly connected to the wedding couple in some significant way.

You want all of your guests to have a good time.

With that goal in mind, pick up the phone and call the invitee to say that your daughter's wedding is child-free.

If it is a guest coming from out of town, offer to help find a caregiver that can stay with the child during the wedding reception.

Invite the guest to bring the the child to the ceremony, and then gently remind her/him that there won't be any accommodations for the child at the reception or seated dinner.

After all, the parent wouldn't want their child to be the only child at the reception.

~Didi

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My husband and I separated a year ago. I’ve tried many times to persuade him to get a lawyer so we can get a divorce and let bygones be bygones, however, he’s lazy and cheap and can’t seem to find time to deal with our fizzled out marriage. I’ve tried talking to our mutual friends for support, but he doesn’t listen to them either. Help!

–AW, Brooklyn, NY

Do online research to look for how to get a quickie divorce. For instance, Angelina Jolie's divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser, offers quickie online divorces (as well as annulments and separations) starting at a fee as low as $750 at: It's Over Easy -

Since I'm not a priest or relationship therapist, my answer to your question about loving two women at once is based on manners and etiquette.

You probably feel like a fool for being romantically in love with two women at the same time, and feeling guilty that you're breaking some kind of rule or taboo.

A lot depends upon which woman you are the most committed to.

If you are married to one, work on that relationship first; don't see the other woman while you're trying to make a decision about the first woman.

Loving two people at the same time must feel overwhelming.

It is perfectly possible that you are capable of loving two women at the same time. Although, eventually you may start running out of energy and resources trying to please two women, and that could affect your health, as well as your bank balance.

Your two relationships may be at two different stages.

The first being a flirtatious infatuation, while the other has reached a more mature level.

Ask yourself:

If the table was turned and one of the women was romantically in love with two men and couldn't decide between two guys, what would you advise her to do?

How do you feel while imagining both of these women kissing other men?

Which woman would you not be willing to share with someone else?

What would you think if you knew one of the women was in love with someone else?

Is it about love or sex?

Are you really torn between two lovers or do you have your ego and love mixed up?

Occasionally, love comes knocking and you find yourself torn between two lovers. Best of luck.

What is the best way to talk about bad sex? I feel I need to talk about it, but I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding as though I’m shaming him or being critical. I don’t consider myself a “Second Wave” feminist or a Twitter feminist, I just like sex.

–Name Withheld

Bad sex for women is different from bad sex for men. What the guy perceives is stress from trying to keep pace so that when he arrives at the right time and with the right tempo, he won't be too exhausted. Bad sex for a women varies from sensing disinterest to succumbing to the grinding of a workhorse.

The classic cultural conditioning of submission: his organism is requisite, hers elective. The reward is self-esteem; the price is self-respect.

As women are expected/socialized to be the emotional nannies at their own expense, our sexually illiterate culture makes it difficult to talk about bad sex and the many nuances of consent or the curves of great sex.

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What style of wedding dress code is appropriate for a 4:00 ceremony. The reception for 50 people will follow immediately after the ceremony. We are having a cocktail hour, then dinner, and dancing. I am the Mother of the Bride. The wedding colors are blush, ivory, periwinkle (a very pale blue, similar to a Williamsburg blue). Very soft colors.

A four o'clock wedding is traditionally a semi-formal wedding. The wedding party can be dressed formally, but the guests do not have to wear tuxedos and long evening dresses. Since this will not be a formal church wedding, the dress code is slightly informal.

The groom, best man, and ushers follow a set dress code. Meaning mid-grey, charcoal grey, or navy blue suits. There is also a trend in warm weather toward khaki suits and navy blue blazers worn with off-white trousers (quite handsome in the photos).

The bride would not have a wedding gown with a train, nor a cathedral veil of great length, and the skirt length could be knee-length, ankle-length or any length in between. The wedding dress would not be a ballgown, but even for a church wedding her shoulders can be bare (though not if held in a Catholic church).

The bridesmaids' dresses can be of different styles to suit the particular bridesmaid, but are usually the same length, fabric and color. The choice of color is up to the bride because the color reflect her dress, bouquet and wedding colors. Knee length is preferable for a 4:00 pm wedding, even when the bride's gown is long.

The mother-of-the-bride chooses her dress, usually in a shade of beige or a pastel, and sends a photo and/or description to the mother-of-the-groom (who traditionally wears beige or blue). In wedding photos the mothers-of-the-bride and groom always look the best when they are wearing the same length and basically a similar style, although not necessarily the exact same color. Neither would wear white nor any shade of off-white. The only woman at your daughter's wedding wearing white is the bride.

List the dress code on the invitation as Business Suits, or for a less informal wedding, Jackets & Ties. If it is decided that all the men are to wear tuxedos, the dress code is Black Tie; although, you'll find that most women guests will prefer to wear knee-length dresses or dinner suits, rather than a long dress.

We are here to help, Elizabeth, and happy to answer any further questions. As my info about your daughter's wedding was limited, this is a rather general answer to your important question.

~Didi

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When you’re having a business lunch where do you put your knife and your fork when you’re taking a break from eating while discussing business? Sometimes it seems awkward resting them on the plate, but I’m never sure whether I can put them back on the table, or what?

–Harry, Philadelphia, PA

Especially during this flu season when we've all turned into germaphobes, table manners make special sense when it comes to safe gourmet hygiene.

They say that tables where people eat are germ breeders, so when you return your fork and knife to the table, instead of leaving them on your plate, you're not only leaving your germs but food that turns to bacteria on the table.

Just as you wouldn't blow your nose into your napkin and leave the napkin on the table.

Once your fork and spoon touch food and your saliva, they don't return to the table. Leave the utensils you've contaminated on your plate or in the soup bowl.

~Didi

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When I greet someone and they give me a smack on the cheek or a smooch on the lips I always wonder how that person knew what kind of kiss to give me. My partner doesn’t enjoy kissing, so my kisses with him are those of affection — more than passion.

–FS, Penobscot, ME

Described in a variety of words there are many kinds of kisses used in different types of relationships to express love, affection, peace, respect, friendship, romance.

The French have twenty words and the Germans use over thirty words for a kiss.

The physical act of kissing between two people consists of the combined sensitivity of touch, taste and smell.

There are a lot of reasons guys don’t kiss. Someone at some point, perhaps when as a kid playing Spin the Bottle or Post Office, or when he was a pimply teen, told him he didn’t know how to kiss.

Or that his kisses were too wet or not wet enough. Maybe he was repelled because he was too rough. He may know, or think, that he has bad breath.

Why ask me? It is you who should be so curious that you ask him — your boyfriend.

Opening up to you about kissing may well loosen his lips.

However, keep in mind:

Kissing is not universally accepted; there are parts of the world where it is taboo to kiss in public.

In some cultures lip-kissing is still banned.

~Didi

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Why do we celebrate Valentine’s Day? My boyfriend actually thinks it’s just an excuse for having to take me out to dinner. He says because it is not a public holiday it is merely a trick, a commercial contrivance.

–Stephanie, Providence, RI

Whether you have a SO or choose to fly solo, Valentine’s Day is a universal plea to embrace the love in your life. To open your heart and celebrate your closest relationships.

As one of the largest commercial holidays, the tradition of Valentine's Day has been celebrated for centuries, although, your boyfriend is correct, it isn’t a public holiday anywhere.

However, it is a holiday globally without celebrating any religion. Except in Palestine where Valentine’s Day is banned.

Saint Valentine became a martyr during the Roman Empire for marrying soldiers who were forbidden to marry. While in prison, after apparently healing his jailer’s daughter, Bishop Valentine sent her a letter shortly before his execution, signed “Your Valentine,” as a farewell.

In the 14th Century, the date of Saint Valentine’s execution became a day when couples would declare their love for each other by giving sweet treats, flowers, love letters and cards to their sweetheart.

In Chaucer’s “Parliament of Foules”, he wrote: “For this was on St Valentine’s Day when every bird cometh to choose his mate.” Leading a tradition of poets penning verses about Valentine’s.

In fact, Stephanie, if your boyfriend is feeling strong-armed about taking you out to dinner, then it’s up to you to give him a bit of sweetness in return. How about a box of chocolate covered espresso beans?

~Didi

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I love seeing other couples holding hands, but I feel self-conscious initiating it myself. My experience is that guys don’t like being seen holding hands. When I’ve brushed my hand against my fiancé’s to signal that I want him to take my hand, he doesn’t respond. He’s just not interested.

I’ve always been into the romance of holding hands. In the car, across the table in a restaurant, walking down the street, at a concert, or watching a movie in bed at night. When I take my fiancé’s hand in mine he tolerates it for a few seconds and withdraws it too quickly. I’m worried my hands are clammy or maybe it makes him think I’m too needy. Which, by the way, I’m not.

–Name Withheld

Talking about romance and hand holding.

Should your fiancé be one of those lucky kids whose parent took him by the hand and walked him to school every day from preschool through third grade, he may feel you're acting too parental -- too maternal.

If he can't handle your clammy hands, think about what else he can't handle?

Hand-holding capability doesn't have to be gauged by a relationship barometer. Holding hands while walking down your street might work for twenty seconds until he realizes it makes him self-conscious.

Try holding hands when you're alone. Carry tissues and wipe your hands first. See how long you can gently hold his hand in a darkened movie theatre. Your fiancé will be less likely to feel paranoid when he knows nobody is watching.

Should he pull away and say he really doesn't like holding hands, wouldn't that be a relief. Then you'd know for sure.

Perhaps you may find he's happier putting his hand on your leg or putting his arm around you.

Tease him about hand-holding being a portable hug.

Many feel intimacy is in the elbow creases, so try linking arms.

Work on finding a symbol of connectivity, your own private love language -- a sweet and small sign of intimacy -- a kiss on the hand, an arm hug,

The Power of Touch

Our brain gives a disproportionate amount of attention to the fingers and hands, as compared to the rest of the body.

The Beatles celebrated the romance of love language singing these lines: