I have written and rewritten this post countless times but it never felt like the right time to post it. Until now.

Our Fertility Journey - Part 2

Fertility. There is so much we don’t know…

I first wrote about our journey back at the end of 2017. It’s been over two years and what a rollercoaster ride we’ve been on. There is so much we didn’t know. I mean how could we?

When I wrote “Our Fertility Story - Part 1” I had no idea what was to come. Our journey took us from our doctors, to our local hospital who then referred us to Guy’s Hospital in London.

Whilst at our local hospital they got us to do some routine tests. For Ian, that meant doing a sample but for me it was much more. I had to have blood tests, internal examinations, an ultrasound along with a test that flushed dye through my tubes to see if there were any blockages. It felt like a lot and at this point we choose not to tell anyone.

It felt personal and scary. I mean what were we supposed to tell people. That has to be one of the hardest parts. You want to have a baby but you don’t know if you will be able to. You don’t want to burden anyone with what you’re going through but equally you then feel upset if someone asks that dreaded question. You have good days and bad days. Seeing everyone posting pregnancy announcements and baby news. You’re excited for them but, there is a part of you that hates it. That’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I think it’s hardest because you’re trying not to think about it but because you’re going through it, it feels like babies are everywhere. At least that is how it felt to me.

Whilst waiting for the test results we carried on as normal. Focusing on the positives. When we returned to the clinic they said my results hadn’t found anything which was positive. They told us the next steps would be for Ian to have some tests. This is when they referred us to Guy’s Hospital. They sent us to Guy’s Hospital because Ian only has one kidney. They weren’t sure what test’s Ian would need and if it could potentially be linked to his kidney.

Again we found ourselves waiting for an appointment. I think the waiting makes it harder. It leaves you in limbo and whilst you try not to focus on it, you find yourself thinking about it. When we finally got our appointment for the Assisted Conception Unit we had been trying to conceive for about 2 and half years. It had taken just over a year to go from the doctors to this point. It felt like we were getting closer. Closer to the answers. Closer to our baby.

We didn’t know that we’d still have a lot more waiting to do.

Our doctor was lovely. She didn’t seem too concerned. She told us the positives which were: we had age on our side, I had lots of follicles and that we both seemed to be in good general health. We both had to have blood tests, but where I’d had a fair few tests done already the focus was more on Ian. That being said, I did have to have more internal examinations along with an internal scan. This sounds scarier then it is. It’s not the most comfortable of things but by the end, an examination or scan really didn’t phase me. It’s one of the things you kind of get used to.

Our doctor also told us she wanted to refer Ian to the Urology department for his tests. This was so that if anything was linked to the kidney they could run those sorts of tests too. For Ian, this ended up being blood tests, samples, examinations and a scan. The samples showed that there weren’t any sperm. The doctor told us we needed to find out why. He talked us through all the possibilities but his first thoughts were that there was potentially a blockage which led to Ian’s scan.

In February 2018, we found ourselves back at the clinic where we were told that there wasn’t a blockage but that Ian was missing the tube that transports the sperm out of the body. This raised alarm bells for us. To us this meant we couldn’t have a baby. Actually we were wrong.

We were told that potentially the sperm was still there. The only thing is it would have to be surgically removed but we wouldn’t know that until he had the op. This is when we were sent back to the Assisted Conception Unit.

At this point we were both feeling tired. Tired mentally, physically and emotionally. We had just bought our first home and I was battling depression due to being unhappy at work. As we were just waiting for an appointment we decided we wouldn’t rush it. Instead I decided that I needed to get better before I would be able to start the next stage.