So, tough question here. How is your choice of how to address a difficult subject (waiting until a similar moment and doing what? being just as passive-aggressive?) any more grown-up than hers was?

It's been my usual method in other situations because I don't have to mention previous instances -- which would involve bringing up my feelings. Waiting for another instance would just mean saying, for example, "Would you mind turning your volume down a bit? I have an early morning tomorrow and am trying to sleep." Which involves only facts, and no feelings.

In this case, if I waited, I'd do what I did this time -- digging right through the passive-aggression and problem-solving with her -- but then following up with: "Next time I do something in the house that bothers you, would you mind letting me know as it happens? I don't want you to end up feeling resentful. I know you don't like confrontation, but I swear you won't offend me." Or, alternately, I could ask her if there's anything else I'm doing that bothers her. So my behavior would be showing her that I can handle roommate-issue-related "real talk".

EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

I don't want to sound like someone who expects something in return. BUT seriously, before the accident, I would always go and fetch people and I would offer them rides to their destinations, and yeah, they also get free weed from me, and... now that I don't have a car, no one texts me anymore and everyone's just so busy. I was busy before but I made time for each one of my friends. And now. poof! I'm okay with it though. at least I know who to spend my time with next time I'm back to shape. (Probably next year)

It's been my usual method in other situations because I don't have to mention previous instances -- which would involve bringing up my feelings. Waiting for another instance would just mean saying, for example, "Would you mind turning your volume down a bit? I have an early morning tomorrow and am trying to sleep." Which involves only facts, and no feelings.

So, accommodating your need to not have to deal with inferior Fi? Because you wouldn't want to have to show that you're vulnerable when it comes to feelings?

In this case, if I waited, I'd do what I did this time -- digging right through the passive-aggression and problem-solving with her -- but then following up with: "Next time I do something in the house that bothers you, would you mind letting me know as it happens? I don't want you to end up feeling resentful. I know you don't like confrontation, but I swear you won't offend me." Or, alternately, I could ask her if there's anything else I'm doing that bothers her. So my behavior would be showing her that I can handle roommate-issue-related "real talk".

So, you've determined what role she plays in the dynamic from your point of view, but what is your part in the dynamic? You know she doesn't like confrontation, so she tries to control your interaction by being "nice". But how are you trying to control the interaction so that you feel safe? How does that effect the dynamic between the two of you?

No need to answer if this is too personal. These have been important questions for me to think about in trying to become more mature in my interactions and I thought they might be helpful to you, too.

ETA: Just wanted to say that being vulnerable is frightening and difficult. I fail at it often because it gets too scary. Don't be too hard on yourself.

“That we are capable only of being what we are remains our unforgivable sin.” ― Gene Wolfe

reminder to self: "That YOU that you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behavior as it can incorporate, and it denies or rationalizes the rest." "Who's in Charge? Free Will and the Science of the Brain" by Michael S. Gazzaniga

So, accommodating your need to not have to deal with inferior Fi? Because you wouldn't want to have to show that you're vulnerable when it comes to feelings?

Sort of. It's more that if I let myself express my feelings in this situation -- and in similar situations with people who repeatedly do things that drive me crazy -- I might not be able to control those feelings. I might end up being petty or passive-aggressive (or aggressive-aggressive). Which would be counterproductive, especially with someone who is nonconfrontational and therefore needs some degree of reassurance when confronted. (Note in my earlier post, how I make a point of telling her that I won't be offended if she opens up conversations with me about these things.)

Honestly, the only difference between my plan and @Red Herring's plan is timing. And a lot of why I'd rather do it in a similar situation, is because if I bring it up at literally any other time, I am guaranteed to make the moment more awkward and unpleasant. I know from experience that it sucks to be called out on something from completely out of nowhere. I'm not sure if anyone's ever done that to me in a way that I DIDN'T find awkward or unpleasant, so I have nothing to model that on.

Originally Posted by Eilonwy

So, you've determined what role she plays in the dynamic from your point of view, but what is your part in the dynamic? You know she doesn't like confrontation, so she tries to control your interaction by being "nice". But how are you trying to control the interaction so that you feel safe? How does that effect the dynamic between the two of you?

No need to answer if this is too personal. These have been important questions for me to think about in trying to become more mature in my interactions and I thought they might be helpful to you, too.

I don't know if it's too personal, but it seems besides the point. She's only been living in the house for a few months. I'm being friendly with her, we're starting to find common ground, we've begun to share things with each other about our lives. I'm wary of her, obviously, because we don't necessarily "click" very well, and she is so incredibly black-and-white on so many issues -- "my way or the highway". But at the same time, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. So when it comes to "my role" as it complements "her role", it's too soon to tell.

EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

I'm supposedly an ESTP, but the more I look into Je+Pi [ENxJ], the more relevant it seems to me. Being nineteen confuses things even more, because most teenagers are going to have an xxxP attitude, regardless of functional order.