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Q&A - Help! My Boyfriend Won't Divorce His Wife for Me

Last Updated: 11/15/2017

Q: I’ve been in a three-year relationship with a man who has been separated from his wife for five years. He hasn’t lived with her for a very long time. I knew he was married when I first met him, but I thought he was going to eventually get a divorce. It hasn't happened, and I'm beginning to think that it never will. His excuse is that he’s a very wealthy man and she owns half of everything, and he doesn't want to lose everything he has. I just want to live a normal life with the man I love, but that’s hard to do when he’s still married. If he really loved me, wouldn’t he get divorced? Please help!

-Lisa A.

A: Hi Lisa,

Your frustration is totally justified. This lover’s limbo is more common than you might think. You say he claims that he doesn’t want to lose everything he has. If I’m reading between the lines correctly, it sounds like he may be about to lose you, Lisa. Perhaps he should consider this to be a bigger loss. From the tone of your email, it sounds like he needs to choose between you and half of his material possessions.

I see two different possible motivations for his current position: He either doesn’t want to divorce his estranged wife or he doesn’t want to marry you. Excuse my frankness, but one of these two scenarios must be true or the situation would have changed by now. At the end of your message you wrote that you were confused about this. Are you truly confused, Lisa, or are you just unwilling to believe he may not want to marry you? As I always say, judge people by what they do and not by what they say. His words can’t create the marriage and “normal life” you dream about - only his actions can do that. This situation will likely continue for as long as you accept it.

Wishing You Great Health,Dr. John H. Sklare

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