The Top Nine Bands With the Worst Fans

February 23, 2009

It’s funny how bands can influence their followers in such a way that they become completely dedicated to everything the group says or does. This can be a great thing for a band’s financial and commercial success, but it can invoke hatred from outsiders due to the fan’s collective stupidity, ignorance, and mindless devotion to anything the band creates.

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9. The Grateful Dead

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I’m gonna go ahead and say now that as a band, The Grateful Dead isn’t as bad as everybody makes them out to be. They do have some really amazing songs. Blues For Allah is a great f***ing record, and it’s not their fault their fans act like every single one of their lives sets is the greatest thing since the iPhone. I feel like the fans kinda turned the band in a cartoon cliché of what they originally were back in the ‘60s. It was like the Deadhead community was growing like the plague and the band had no control over it. Freakin’ longhairs.

I guess people just hate hippies. Sorry, Jerry.

8. Fall Out Boy

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Even though this band made their millions and are now officially falling of the pop map, I still want to point out how dumb and naive their followers are.

How can you be a fan a band that tries to make fun of pop clichés when they are the f***ing clichés themselves? I can’t deny that these talentless assclowns made a buttload of money pretty much overnight, but I find it disgusting that they wrap themselves in a fanbase of mindless teenage girls. If I was a parent and my teenage daughter had a poster of Pete Wentz on her wall, I would throw her in a box and ship her to Burma.

You can toss their fans in the "teeny bopper" category, but these goth-poppers actually think they’re non-conforming by listening to these dickless goobers.

7. Tokio Hotel

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When I wrote my year-end Top 10 Worst Music Videos of 2008 list I of course threw a Tokio Hotel video in at the #4 spot. After featuring the list, I got an endless stream of comments and personal messages from their 12-year-old fans telling me how stupid I am for putting them on the list. What kind of Kool-Aid are these fruity emo f***s feeding these girls?

First off, their music is just plain horrible. All of their songs are watered-down melodic pop/rock with the worst lyrics I have ever heard in my life. They’re like a goth boy band who grew up on David Hasselhoff and Bauhaus. I just hope these little girls understand that in two years time they will be spending weeks on end trying to figure out why they even bought into this band’s music in the first. I guarantee Tokio Hotel will be on an episode of “Where Are They Now” in the very near future. Guaranteed!

6. Madonna

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If it wasn’t for fat chicks and gay men, Madonna’s career would have been over a long time ago. (This goes for Britney Spears as well). Seriously, when was the last time this women actually put out a half-decent album? Her fans are so braindead that they will buy into any new persona Madonna reinvents herself as.

It’s unbelievable to think that these dumbasses went ahead and paid upwards of $300 a ticket to see her perform live. Can you believe that they helped Madonna gross $281.6 million worth of tickets for her Sticky and Sweet tour last year? If you want to see an old women in spandex rolling around on stage just go watch my grandma get down at her retirement home aerobics class in Miami. It’s free!

5. The Dave Matthews Band

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This goes out to every douchey frat guy that used a Dave Matthews song to get laid in college.

Dave Matthews fans are like a cleaner, richer, and cheesier version of a Deadhead. They eat up every single thing the band puts out and drop ridiculous sums of money to see the band play the same set list show after show. I also find it annoying that they always refer to the band as "Dave."

“Did you see Dave this weekend? It was a killer set, man. They closed the show with ‘Crash’ and ‘Tripping Billies.’ Unreal, bra!”

Blow me. Why do most rich white collar Americans always have the worst taste in music? Farm Aid would be out of business if they stopped listening though.

(All respects to Willie Nelson BTW…)

4. Backstreet Boys, New Kids, Tiffany, etc. (Teeny Boppers)

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The thing that sucks about these fans the most is that they really have no musical taste whatsoever. It’s pretty much known that they don’t give two s**ts about the music they purchase in the millions. All they care about is the image of the artist. That’s all they’re infatuated with. The Backstreet Boys could have farted into a microphone for the entirety of one of their CDs and it still would have gone multiplatinum. Just as long as they look young, wholesome, and cute doing it, they would continue to have success with their zombie-like fanbase.

3. Insane Clown Posse

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I’ve said a lot of bad things about this band and their followers and it ain’t gonna stop now.

I do understand that ICP tries to stand up for the little man, but their fans really don’t help the situation by acting like a gang of scumbags. They’re loud, ignorant, and loyal. This combination of elements makes for a very dangerous situation. The idea that these fans devote themselves to a group that walks around in face paint and raps about Faygo soda pop is some side-splitting s**t.

Again, what the f**k is a Juggalo and what purpose does he serve? I would give every drop of blood in my body to see a Juggalo try to rep ICP on the streets of East LA.

2. Phish

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I’m gonna have to start out by saying that this band is one of the most overrated acts in the history of music. The fact that people follow this band all around the world so they can catch every single note Phish creates is simply unbelievable.

On of my biggest problems with their fans is the fact that they’re mostly rich white kids from New England trying to grow dreadlocks and live the so-called "hippie lifestyle." Do me a favor and take a count of all the Range Rovers in the parking lot the next time you catch one of their shows. On second thought, skip the show.

The other thing that drives me insane is the way the fans act like Phish is the only important/relevant band on the planet. They are literally some of the most close-minded people when it comes to music. All they do is completely dedicate themselves to Phish and no one else. How many more times do you really need to listen to “Bounce Around the Room?” Answer: Zero.

They also act like they care about the well-being of the world, when all they really do is eat mushrooms, smoke weed, and drive around the U.S. following Phish. Way to start the revolution, f***ers.

1. Skrewdriver

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If you don’t know already, Skrewdriver was a British punk rock band formed in a town near Blackpool in 1976 by Ian Stuart Donaldson. They later changed into a skinhead band, and then became one of the first neo-Nazi white power rock bands, playing a big role in the far right Rock Against Communism movement. Dumbasses.

What can I say that hasn’t already been said about these assholes? F*** 'em.

As for their fans, I assume most of them are lost little puppy dogs trying to find their place in the world and, for some reason, decided to let this untalented band of Hitler lovers do the talking for them. How in the funk can you follow a band that denies the Holocaust? Grow a brain. If you need attention that bad, just grow a mullet.