Sunday, April 12, 2009

Looking For a Chick that Understands Ultimate Brutality

Hey, what's up. Let me be the first to say that this internet dating stuff is for total poseurs, but I'm only gonna be in the country for a few more months so I might as well give it a shot.

My name's Skaldi Laarkvest and I'm in the black metal band Engage, Enslave, Exterminate. Here's what I'm looking for in a chick while we tour this shithole country:

- first, I need a chick who thinks I'm not goth. Let me explain right now: goths are faggy teenagers who read Lord Byron and hang out in front of the Orange Julius. Though I may paint my face and wear spiked arm-bands, I AM NOT GOTH! I'm simply your average Scandinavian nihilist who wants to play some Satanic shreds.

- that said, don't front as a metal fan and tell me you like bands like Soilwork or Cradle of Filth. That commercial shit is made for fat American teenagers whose penises don't work. Real metal is produced in basements on hand-held recorders and is made only for the glory of the fuckin' Aesir.

- most of all, you should get ultimate brutality. You should have a fondness of that perfect moment when hate, angst, frustration, and disappointment meet in one face-melting track that makes everyone listening throw up their hands and say "what the fuck is worth living for?".

So, if that's you, get back to me. We're playing a show next week with Debauched Bishop, Hammerslain, and Eisefurtenpaarastmagoral, and I could really use you helping out backstage when we herd the goats onstage for the third set.

* Location: Denver * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests