Adventures in the Fantasy Premier League, Gameweek 35

United is taking things seriously: Manchester United has won the Premier League title, but Sir Alex Ferguson is still chewing gum, still yelling at officials, and still twisting his face into new and exciting expressions of disgust. United isn’t taking it easy. On Sunday, Robin van Persie (13.8) scored his sixth goal in four matches. You know what to do.

Liverpool smashes six past Newcastle: I’m a big fan of Brendan Rodgers’ new-look Liverpool attack, but I expected the team to struggle without Suarez. I was wrong. Daniel Sturridge (6.8) is on fire, Philippe Coutinho (6.7) creates goals virtually every time he touches the ball, and Jordan Henderson – yes, Jordan Henderson (4.6) – is an attacking juggernaut. Sign Coutinho. Sign Sturridge. (But Henderson’s performance was a total fluke.)

Wigan is about to go down: Roberto Martinez has orchestrated late-season, relegation-defying runs in each of Wigan’s last two campaigns. At some point, his luck will run out – the let’s-play-with-a-back-three stunt isn’t going to work twice. Arouna Kone (6.2) has scored plenty of goals this season, but he looked a little tired against Spurs. You probably thought Franco Di Santo (5.2) produced an impressive cameo performance, but there’s no way that actually happened. You should completely disregard the 28 minutes Di Santo spent on the pitch.

A big week for Chelsea: Next week, Chelsea will play Manchester United and Tottenham. Make sure to glance at the XI that starts Thursday’s Europa League semi-final – Benitez will rest either Fernando Torres (9.3) or Demba Ba (7.7). The striker who starts against Basel won’t start against United. Then again, Benitez is notoriously unpredictable. We’ll see.

The uplifting tale of Everton’s Matthew Kennedy: This season, Matthew Kennedy (4.5) has played exactly – wait for it – zero minutes of Premier League football. However, the Fantasy Premier League thinks he’s worth more than both Victor Anichebe (4.4), one of Everton’s most improved players, and Phil Neville (4.1), Everton’s captain. That’s utterly ridiculous – 0.0 percent of fantasy managers own Kennedy. He has done nothing this year. Zilch. Nada. He is a complete nobody. And yet, with so many terrible things happening around the world, it’s comforting to know that an 18-year-old winger with fewer than 15 SPL appearances under his belt and an embarrassingly short Wikipedia page has managed to make a name for himself in the fickle world of fantasy sports.

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