Generosity is valued throughout the world. No wonder parents want their children to learn to share.

But not everyone knows the trick. In their eagerness to promote generosity, well-intentioned adults take an approach that backfires. They push young children too hard, forcing kids to give, which means they aren’t really giving at all. More to the point, the children learn the wrong lesson. They learn that giving things away is bad – something you don’t do unless coerced.

But what about free choice? Letting children decide for themselves if they will be generous? Chernyak and Kushnir reasoned that young children would feel intrinsically motivated to share with a sympathetic character in distress. But forcing the issue would make children stingier.

The researchers tested the idea in a series of experiments on American preschoolers, ranging in age from 3 to 5 years. In one experiment, 72 kids were introduced to a small, plush animal with a sad face. They were told that “Doggie” was feeling very sad, and then they were presented with a colorful sticker.

What happened next varied. Some kids were randomly assigned to the costly choice condition. They were told they could either keep the sticker for themselves, or give it to Doggie, “so that he feels better.” Another group of kids were given a different, cost-free choice: They could either have the adult put the sticker away again OR give the sticker to the sad dog. A third group was given no choice at all. They were told, “You have to give this sticker to Doggie so that he feels better.”

The kids behaved according to their wishes or circumstances, and then they were presented with another, similar situation. This time, they were given three smiley-face stickers and introduced to a “sad” elephant toy “who really likes” such stickers. Would you like to give any stickers to Ellie? Kids could choose to give some, all, or none away, and parents everywhere may be heartened by the fact that most kids gave at least one sticker to Ellie, regardless of their previous experience.

But because there were three stickers in total, kids had the option of being particularly generous, of giving away most or even all of their prizes. When Chernyak and Kushnir examined these outcomes, they found that prior experience made a big difference.

Among kids who had previously made a costly choice, almost 75% gave most or all of their stickers to the sad elephant. Kids who had previously made a non-costly choice, or been given no choice at all, were only half as likely to give away most of their stickers.

In another experiment, the researchers also found that children who’d given away stickers would subsequently give small toys to the sad elephant, so it wasn’t merely that kids devalued the stickers.

And the researchers bolstered the idea that it was the previous choice to give, rather than some generalized experience of self-control, that made children more generous. When kids were first given a choice between borrowing a sticker to play with now, or storing away a sticker they would get to take home with them later, kids who delayed gratification did not show an increased tendency for generosity. It was the social factor – cheering up the sad dog – that seemed to matter.

So when it came to fostering generosity, nothing worked as well as letting kids choose for themselves. This doesn’t mean we should give up on all compulsory sharing. When there are communal goods to be divided up, allowing one child to take more than her fair share is teaching the lesson that aggression or grabbiness pays off.

But this does suggest we’re better off preventing situations that end in confrontation and coercion. For some parents, this preventative approach comes naturally, and decades of studies indicate that their kids have better outcomes. If a new toy is too cherished to share with a guest, it’s best left out of sight. And a little perspective-taking is helpful, too. Does anyone expect you to make new friends by handing over the keys to your car?

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wouldn’t it be nice if we had a tax and entitlement policy that acknowledged this fact of human nature?

http://www.kidznstyle.com Nikii

I think a lot of new parent need to read this article. your points are really interesting and practical. I am a proud supporter of giving kids choices and allowing them to choice without interfering.

Beautiful post.

Beth

In light of this, what’s the best strategy for enforcing sharing of communal resources?

Artria

When my two (age 6 and 4) get new toys for a birthday or other event, the other one always wants to “see” it. If there is one item that they don’t wish to share, we discuss what they would like to share. The same goes for toys they are playing with at the moment. If one gets grabby and upset, we stop, talk about what the other wants to share, and it usually works out with less tugging/yelling/crying.

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