You Don't Look Jewish

For my Russian great-grandparents, being Jewish was like an ugly ghost.

I remember the day I saw the book at a charity shop in Pretoria, South Africa. The old yellowed pages, Hebrew letters, a Yom Kippur prayer book. I took it off the shelf and looked at the copyright date: Hamburg 1933. Cold shivers ran up my spine. I wondered what happened to the book’s owners.

“One day I'll be able to read the Hebrew,” I promised to myself as I took it to the shop assistant.

"Oh, a Jewish book," she smiled as she took my money. "Are you going to use it for research?"

"I'm Jewish," I replied.

"Oh I should have noticed," she said, pointing at the Star of David around my neck. "But you don’t look it," she said in a tone that implied she meant it as a compliment.

You don’t look it, the words rang in my head as I left the shop. The words hurt. If she spat in my face and called me a dirty Jew I would have felt better.

As I walked on, I thought about my great-grandparents and the reaction that they would have had to the saleslady’s words. I guess they would have been relieved.

I have a picture of them at home, framed and sitting on my desk, a young couple on their wedding day before the First World War. They look serious as newlyweds often did in those days and both are oblivious to the future that awaited them. Pogroms, war, the Russian Revolution, civil war, the near starvation of the 1930s, Stalin, Hitler and the fear. Fear pervaded everything, overwhelmed all. There was no time to think, only to survive.

But it wasn’t always that way. Back in the days of that wedding picture, my great-grandfather was a successful accountant and my great-grandmother a proud owner of a beautiful house. But soon it all fell apart. The Russian Revolution took most of everything they had and in the ensuing civil war my great-grandmother was nearly murdered in a pogrom.

She never spoke about it, and it was only once that she cryptically referred to "hiding in a cellar for three days, with her small daughters." The memory of that incident passed down the ensuing generation like an ugly ghost.

My great-grandparents decided to erase all the outward signs of their Jewishness.

It was from that moment that my great-grandparents decided to erase all the outward signs of their Jewishness. While they never converted to another religion, they gradually ceased to observe most of the Jewish rituals, although my great-grandmother clung stubbornly to the laws of Kashrut and passed them onto her daughters, without explaining the meaning behind them. They would later refer to them as "Mama’s peculiarities."

The Minyan Incident

They passed several years like that, secure in their hidden identity until the Minyan incident.

It was in the late 1930s, in a small Russian town of Tara that my family finally lost its identity. There was a death in the community and the men went around looking for Jewish men to make up the Minyan, the quorum of 10 men. My great-grandfather was the only man they could find. He joined them and the following day the entire group was arrested and charged with ‘Religious Propaganda’.

My great-grandfather was sentenced to prison and his wife was advised to divorce him to make it known that she didn’t share his beliefs. Alone, and with six children to care for, she agreed. Nonetheless the government confiscated their belongings and continued to harass her for many years.

My great-grandparents stayed divorced for the rest of their lives. When my great-grandfather was released some eight years later, he returned home, but to keep up the appearances he had to live in a converted tool shed, away from the rest of the family. My great grandparents obtained a civil divorce, not a religious one. From then on no mention was made of my family’s Jewishness, not even behind closed doors. Some of the children were still small and small children talk.

My grandmother grew up terrified of her own heritage. My own mother recalls an incident when, aged five, she asked her mother, "What is a Jew?" and the look of horror on her mother’s face as she shrieked to her relatives, "Who told her?!"

But there was another feeling my mother remembers well – the feeling of not belonging, of some fundamental, unexplainable difference to the Russian children around her. The feeling never left. The rest of the family assimilated into the Russian society, intermarried and some converted to Christianity. After a while family "peculiarities" about pork and the mixing of dairy and milk products were forgotten.

My Phantom Pain

I grew up devoid of any knowledge of anything Jewish, but I also had that same haunting feeling that I was missing something. That longing, inexplicable and impossible to ignore, dominated my life. I called it my "Phantom Pain." Unable to identify it, I was angry and bitter and unpleasant to be around.

I grew up devoid of any knowledge of anything Jewish, but I also had that same haunting feeling that I was missing something.

It was in my late teens that I turned to Judaism. My initial reason for doing so was teenage rebellion and the defiance of all the things my family stood for. Only I wasn’t alone in my journey; my mother also rediscovered her roots and quietly returned to the faith of her ancestors.

My own journey was less peaceful.

I began by observing Shabbat and keeping kosher, without believing in God. I am a Jew and there is no way I am giving it up, I told myself. But I still wasn’t interested in learning the Torah. I looked up basic Judaism in the reference books and decided that it should be enough to keep me Jewish. But the more I read, the more I wanted to know. Gradually my knowledge began to change me.

I found myself looking forward to the High Holidays and a chance to think about myself. The days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur were the best days of my life. As I thought about myself and my attitude, I underwent a complete transformation. I remember thinking that if I was making everyone around me miserable, what was the point of being alive? I wanted to do teshuva, to change. The feeling of being liberated from the anger and bitterness was so overwhelming, I felt myself reborn.

Today, nearly ten years later, I am at the ripe old age of 28 an enormously wealthy person. I am wealthy in my heritage and in my faith. Perhaps my treasures are dearer to me because I almost lost them. Dearer to me, because I had to gather them bit by bit, like a mosaic revealing the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.

My great-grandparents thought they were shielding us from the hatred that we would inevitably encounter as Jews. Unwittingly, they brought about a life of inferiority that came from denial. Changing their names, blending in and assimilating robbed us of the greatest treasure they didn't realize they possessed: the wonderful freedom and peace that comes with Jewish faith.

As the power of Yom Kippur demonstrates, the Almighty's arms are wide open, beckoning us to come home.

and they really need to re-educate themselves and get out of their shteitel mindset where everyone looks like they come from a woody allen film. Jews come in all different shapes and sizes/ colors/ethnicities/blond/green eyes/blue eyes etc. We don't need to discriminate against each other. Hitler did enough of that.

(43)
Cf,
October 29, 2014 5:13 AM

Not jewish but probably should've been

This hurt to read. I am irish catholic and live in nyc and most of my friends are jewish. I just connect with my jewish friends more than others. Their sarcastic wit, education, personality and yiddish words are the best. I even feel left out when they talk about their culture and admire the way they stick to them. My mother's best friends are also jewish and she often says id never want to live anywhere that there arent jews. You just know everything in the neighborhood is quality. I know thats generalizing but its usually true. If i were religious maybe id covert but im happy just being the oddball in my group of friends. Most are very open about being jewish. And its nyc. My one friend in his 30s is from chicago and hes very covert about it. I thought he was being paranoid but after reading this it makes sense. His family was russian. I know history but it still hurts my heart to think my friends could be treated unfairly becAuse of their lovely religion. I know it happens but so hard to get my brain around. Maybe thats a good thing.

(42)
fish,
November 18, 2013 1:53 PM

I believe that "you don't look Jewish" is intended as a comment, in a perverse kind of way. Rather "Oh, you're Jewish? But you seem like such a nice decent person!"

(41)
Andy,
July 11, 2013 9:16 PM

seems to me perfect article for Tisha B'Av. Pls come home

It's been a long galut. Without The Temple we are not whole but it seems to me with Torah and Eretz Yisroel the Temple and Moshiach can follow speedily.I don't know if Aish will permit me to write this and I'm not advocating burning foreign passports but Jews, at least try to build a life in Isreal. You've been waiting for over 2000 years and while challenging at times it's never been easier in all of history. If more of the Jews and especially Torah observant ones in the diaspora would realize how unnatural and unhealthy living outside of Israel is for their souls and their childrens , and decided to come home, the rest I believe would follow speedily to the benefit of all mankind.

(40)
Anonymous,
December 25, 2011 7:00 PM

Assimilation

My father wanted his children to be "American." The years were the 1940's and 50's. He came to the U.S. at the age of one. ...parents from the Ukraine. He ultimately built bridges with everyone in our mill-city. I went to public school and ultimately to a prep school, largely Protestant with some Catholics. However, I did attend various jewish camps(Workman's Circle) until the age of 13. My mother tried to hold on to Judaism. My maternal grandmother was observant and kosher. There was no religious observance in our home. No Friday night candle-lighting.( We went to friends' homes for very long seders). There was pork, etc. A confusing upbringing. I had to choose a church at that prep school. The Jewish students chose the Prostestant one with the white steeple and the handsome minister.
To this day I know the lyrics to all the Protestant hymns
(These days the Jewish students are taken to a Synagogue in a nearby town). Today I revel in diversity as an instructor of English to second (third, fourth) language learners. The message is no longer assimilation, but accomodation. Combine your culture with this new one. This hydraulic culture and my father
did not cause me to lose my Jewish identity. I'm Secular Humanist and Reform denomination. I've been building bridges for 30 years.

(39)
HAL,
April 27, 2011 4:10 PM

ALL OF HASHEMS CHILDREN ARE BEAUTIFUL

I STILL REMEMBER SOME 45 YEARS AGO, I WENT ON A SALES CALL ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY OFFICES IN THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
I ENCOUNTED TWO MUCH OLDER SMALLISH (5' 6") JEWISH GENTLEMEN WAITING IN THE LOBBY WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR (YES, THEY DID LOOK JEWISH), THEY WERE SPEAKING IN YIDDISH ABOUT A RECENT CHANNUKAH PARTY THAT EACH OF THEIR FAMILIES HELD. THEY WERE SIMLING, LAUGHING NOT EVEN TAKING NOTICE OF ME UNTIL I COULDN'T CONTROL MY AMUSEMENT OF THEIR WONDERFUL STORIES.
THEY BOTH LOOKED AT ME IN COMPLETE SHOCK, HERE WAS THIS GOYISHA GIANT, RECENTLY SEPARATED FROM THE ARMY (3 YEARS PREVIOUSLY) OVER 6' TALL, 230 POUNDS WITH BLOND HAIR, FAIR SKINNED, AND BLUE EYES.
I HAVE HAD MANY PEOPLE TAKE ME FOR GERMAN, IRISH, SCANDINAVIAN, YOU NAME IT,AND STILL DO. SOME OF THEM ARE SOME OF MY CLOSET FRIENDS SOME DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF OUR PEOPLE, AND THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO TELL ME ABOUT IT. WELL, IT WAS FAR FROM SAFE.
YOUR JEWISH THEY ALMOST YELLED, I REPLIED IN HEBREW ANI YEHUDI. THEIR EYES AND FACE GOING FROM FEAR, ENVY, AND JOY. LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AND SAYING IN A TREMBLING VOICE "HE WOULD/COULD HAVE PASSED".
WE GOT INTO THE ELEVATOR, PRESSED OUR FLOORS, WISHED EACH OTHER WELL AS WE EXITED, NEVER TO CROSS PATHS AGAIN. AS THE DOORS CLOSED I COULD STILL HEAR THEIR AMAZEMENT.
I ALMOST IMMEDIATELY PUT MY HAND AGAINST THE WALL FOR SUPPORT WITH SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS.
MY BLOOD RAN "ICE COLD" THINKING OF THE HORRORS THEY AND THEIR FAMILIES COULDN'T ESCAPE. THANKING HASHEM I WAS BORN BOTH A JEW, AND AN AMERICAN.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS ENCOUNTER,. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN PROUND OF MY FAITH, AND ALWAYS THOUGHT I LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE A JEW SHOULD LOOK.
I GO TO SERVICES EVERY SATURDAY AND KVELL AS BOYS AND GIRLS ARE CALLED TO THE BIMAH FOR MITZVOT OF READING FROM TORAH. THESE CHILDREN ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL, ARE VERY ACCOMPLISHED, AND YES, THEY ALL LOOK JEWISH!!!!
HOPE ALL HAD A ZISSEN PESACH (SWEET PASSOVER)

(38)
Howard,
March 11, 2011 5:43 PM

Jewish

Same thing with me---no outer religion, but lots of "mama's peculiarities" my gramps always gave us tops in the December holiday season---not eating pork or turning the lights on at grandma's house on Saturday....then it came out and i wish i had known earlier as well. thanks for reading....

(37)
anonymous,
January 30, 2011 6:15 PM

Family hid our Jewish heritage

I just found out about my Jewish heritage recently. I am going on 67 y/o. My dad is 89 y/o and told me about our family's "secret". He said no one in the family was allowed to talk about it when he was growing up. I wasn't raised Jewish nor Christian, but feel cheated out of my heritage. I am now starting to explore and learn about being Jewish. I love to study Torah and keep as Kosher in diet as is possible here in the middle of nowhere. There must be thousands of men and women just beginning to discover thier Jewishness. My g-grandparents fled Europe and came to America. They assimilated and never spoke of their Jewish faith. How sad. :-(

(36)
Carlos,
December 23, 2010 7:15 AM

"the jewish look"

being sephardic jewish, i hear it from gentiles a lot, we literally come in all colors, sizes and from different parts of the world. Of course us individually knowing and loving our faith is more than enough

(35)
Guy,
October 23, 2010 9:20 PM

My Great Grandparents did exacly the same.

Trying to protect us from the harshness of Jewish hatred.
But only left me with an emptiness, until I found Torah.
And that made me question my heritage, and bang soon as I found out I was Jewish everything fell into place.

(34)
Bob,
October 8, 2010 4:29 PM

to Matthew #31

I'm in a very similar situation to Matthew - having a non-Jewish (or "Jewish-sounding") surname. Ironically, the most "liberal" (conservative/reform) shuls I've gone to are usually the ones to have the audacity to question my Jewishness. In general, I've had more positive reactions to Orthodox shuls, and right now I attend a small Chabad minyan near my house.

(33)
Anonymous,
September 17, 2010 10:48 PM

Did you grow up Jewish?

I am what is called a Cryptic Jew. I have turned back to my family roots. Being A young child, I grew up in a different faith, but along with these "other" faith rituals, there were some, that were defiantly unique. Lighting candles on Friday nights, spinning tops ("Dreidels") during the general holiday season in December. And when our families would get together, we would always separate into 3 groups; Men on one side of the house, Women on the other, children on the other. My Mother even had the habit of when she was cooking meat, to make sure all blood was drained or cleaned out of it before cooking it.And I also wore "head coverings" when I attended church services. I never thought these were particularly odd things but a way of life for our family. As a grew older, I always felt so different, a part of me felt there was something more. I was always so intrigued with Jewish way of life, and it seemed i always had Jewish friends and acquaintances. Also the most people I learned from were Jews. I did not know till later when I added all the pieces of the puzzle of my life together, and talking with my cousins, I learned the truth about my Jewish origins.
I found out my Grand father ( my father's father) left Mexico in hast because if he didn't he would have been killed. He was an educator and also a Jew. My Mother's Great Aunt taught my mother Kosher cooking with out her ever knowing. I don't look Ashkenazim or have a last name of: Gold, Stein, Berg or any other surname like these. But I am Jewish, a descendant of the Spanish Diaspora; my family left Spain to Mexico. When people ask me in disbelief are you Jewish I say yes. Then they ask in Disbelief did you grow up Jewish? Not orthodox but I had a "Hidden" Jewish life underneath it all.

(32)
Shaun,
September 16, 2010 2:52 PM

"Looking Jewish"

In America we often relate "looking Jewish" to those Jews who are of Ashkenazic Jewish descent. Having grown up in communities were many of the people (Jewish and gentile) are from Eastern Europe, I have known many people who fit the bill but were not Jewish (the Jewish population in my state is probably less than 1,000). I have always been told I "look Jewish" though most of my physical features (as well as my father's) come from my paternal Great Grandmother who was not Jewish. As for the Great Grandparents, do not look down on them, but honor them by rediscovering the faith they obviously had (the writer's Great Grandfather surely knew there was some risk in forming a minyan, before he attempted to do so and was arrested).

(31)
Matthew,
September 16, 2010 8:29 AM

The wicked realization.

Sadly, though as hard as we try, we still perpetuate certain stereotypes within our own community. This topic hit all too close to home over the Rosh Ha’Shanah holiday when some of the congregants received e-mails from the rabbi asking if we would be interested in reading from the Torah… who wouldn’t want to? So I replied, but once I arrived early to morning service early to speak with them rabbi, he said to me, “Matisyahu, what type of name is ‘Cooley?’” “Irish,” I replied. “What is your mother’s name,” he questioned. “Morrow, Irish as well.” Then in stone seriousness, he had the audacity to tell me, “Do some homework on your heritage so your grandkids have a solid history to follow.” TRANSLATION: “You can’t possibly be Jewish.” I have since left the synagogue and am currently looking for a less internally anti-Semitic synagogue.

(30)
Adam Neira,
September 16, 2010 2:36 AM

Messianic Fashion

How will "Moshiach" look ?
Will he wear black ? Will he have side curls ? Will he have a beard ? Will he be allowed to swim in the sea in bathers ? Will he eat dinner in casual clothes ? If he dresses modestly will he care what people think ?
Everyone has an impression about what Moshiach will look like, but G-d will fashion him so. How one dresses helps define and shape one's identity, but it should not replace an authentic true sense of self and knowing one's purpose. The fashion world taps into the insecurities of many people to make a dollar.
What constitutes "looking Jewish" is about to undergo some amazingly positive changes. The superficial is giving way to the spiritual all around the world.

(29)
Susan Stein,
September 16, 2010 1:21 AM

The story of Russian Jewry

This is very parallel to the family story of our foreign exchange student--a Jewish boy from Germany, whose parents had immigrated from Russia a decade earlier. I commented to our student that in a mere 5 generations, Russia had totally stolen his family's Jewish identity. To their credit, it was somehow kept alive enough for him and his parents to begin to retrieve it. Just consider, that when this student arrived at our home in the US, he had never heard of Rosh Hashanah, and thought that Yom Kippur was the Jewish New Year. And though he had heard of Passover, he had never heard of, much less experienced, a Passover Seder. We are pleased to let the world know that when he left our home a year later he could read Hebrew, follow an Orthodox service, and knew the basics of Jewish philosophy and world outlook. Now, we just hope he marries a Jewish woman.

(28)
Anonymous,
September 16, 2010 12:14 AM

Not looking Jewish but seeing through Jewish eyes

When I was younger, attending summer camp, one of the campers, a girl with blue eyes and brown hair, told us people always told her she didn't look Jewish. She told us that she always says, "I see the world through Jewish eyes."

(27)
Anonymous,
September 15, 2010 4:36 PM

Yes we are different

Looking Jewish is stereotyping people with certain features that some have come to know as Jewish. The Roman features are known in the U.S. as looking Jewish. Being different comes from within. We look at things differently. No one has to force us to fellowship with God, it's our pleasure to spend time with him, who has revealed himself to us. Being Jewish, is when others ask "how do you know that?' how can you explain, the one who revealed himself to us bestowed it upon our souls. To live like everyone else around us, does not satisfy us and the longings of our souls reach up to God who has created us in his image. We constantly long to be with our beloved. He wakes us up early, to spend time with him. He wakes us up in the middle of the night, to spend time with him. Every chance we get, our voices rise up in praise and thanksgiving or petitions to our God. Definitely we are different. By our features? More likely by our longing to be with our beloved and our beloved calling to be with us. The Grandparents knew, that being Jewish takes place in the secret place of our souls. Outwardly they may have stopped signs of being Jewish by what they did for others to see. Inwardly, where it counts the most, they were Jewish. No one can separate us from God. Not in this life or the next. To know your different and not know why, like in this case of concealed identity. Promptings of our soul seeks for us to find out the truth. We do not stop till we know the truth. On the road to truth, we learn many helpful things. Most importantly we have learned to seek God for the answers. We have learned God is our greatest companion, we have established an eternal unity with our Creator. We have received our answers when we have asked God, "why am I so different?"

(26)
Terri,
September 15, 2010 3:14 PM

knowing I was different

My father was a career officer in the US Army, which did not provide for Jewish services nor were there many Jews who made a career of the Army. There was always something I felt, even though we did not keep a Jewish home, that I was "different" from the other children I met. As I grew, I realized that it was that I was Jewish. We ARE different. I did experience some anti-Semitism, and I kept the fact that I was Jewish quiet. I never denied it, but I never openly told people either. As I got older, I realized that there is something very special about being Jewish. Ours is not so much a religion as a way of life. You can't take that away from us. It is our essence and that's why we don't actively seek converts.
As an adult, I learned on my own about Judaism and my children were raised in the temple. It is a way of life which, I guess, really bothers those who are not Jewish.
You can't change our essence.

(25)
Reisel,
September 15, 2010 1:47 PM

a jewish outlook develops

a jewish "look" develops over time. chesed is a jewish quality which can be read in the faces of the elders after a lifetime. or learning. or compassion for the fellow man... it's not about being blond or havind a dark skin, being tall or small - it is about whether or not our jiddishe neshume becomes visible for the world. may hashem help all the hidden jews to come out of the closet.

(24)
Jen,
September 14, 2010 10:45 PM

"says she's Jewish, but doesn't look it!"

Years ago, I registered at an agency for temporary office work. I stated in my resume the dates I would not be available due to Jewish Holydays.
Some years afterwards I needed to re-register with the same agency and was interviewed by a Jewish woman. She told me that the previous interviewer had written (illegally?) on the file, "Says she's is Jewish, but doesn't look it."
What exactly does it mean to say someone does or doesn't "look" Jewish?

(23)
Chaya,
September 14, 2010 7:54 AM

Being Jewish vs Looking Jewish

Thank you Haia, for introducing this topic. As one of the world’s hidden Jews I was much moved by your topic and by the large number of personal stories so similar to my own.
I wasn't so much taken by the idea of “looking Jewish” as I was the extent to which our ancestors went to 'protect' their families from the ignorance and brutality of antisemitism.
Did anyone else notice that this one topic generated responses from people living in South Africa; South America, Trinidad, Indonesia, Russia, Canada, California,and my Florida home? So many places. Such similar histories.
Few of us will ever have the opportunity to meet. After all, we are separated by culture; age, continents and oceans. There is just one small thing we have in common: a beautiful, powerful Jewish neshama.
Like several of you mentioned, I’ve always felt alone, as though no one really knew me. The truth is I WAS THE ONE who didn’t know me! My family deliberately hid my identity. Now that so many of you have shared bits of your history, I understand that their decision was an act of desperation. Before I criticize that again I will ask myself Would I...could I choose a different course under the same circumstances"? I want to believe that my family relied on the promise of the Holy One to bring His people back. Given the number of us, I can't help but think that this is no mere coincidence.
.
Think about this: we, probably the most unlikely people ever to be called ‘Jew’ (Some Jewish groups would be horrified by our presence.), but look at us -- alone, one by one, each has been drawn to the same conclusion -- and that from the four corners of the earth. What a amazing thing this is!

(22)
Andy,
September 13, 2010 9:49 PM

#18 maybe survival demanded spiritual sacrifices but maybe not. we can't judge a person without being in his situation and even then too many variables

Even Rabbi Akiva didn't know what he would do until tested so I'm not going to speak against the great grandparents. Some of my relatives in Germany converted and seemingly without the fear of danger just no Jewsih learning which screamed no which seems to me for sure worse. Survival is not the most important thing according to Jewish law. We are all tested frequently and the fact that you are a proud Jew seems to me in some way a credit to your great grandparents. maybe they have to answer for those relatives that are lost as well and should have done more but I'm not God's accountant. I do recall learning that when the idolotrous king Menashe was asked how he could worship idols he responded that if you lived when I did you'd have been worshipping them as well. I believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said most of us who think well of ourselves for not engaging in vile behavior are lucky enough not to have an overpowering yaitzer hara[he said inclination] in that direction .If we did the resulting behavior may be as bad as those who we maybe mistakenly feel are weaker,sicker etc.

(21)
Anonymous,
September 13, 2010 8:29 PM

When I was younger and not yet Jewish, I was called
'bloody Jew' many times. I converted later but recall
the incidents with sad amusement."A Rose by any other
name would smell as sweet' is my answer

(20)
Channah,
September 13, 2010 5:10 PM

similar story

When I read your story, it felt like I wrote it. I had a similar family story of my pwn, except for some little details. I am also the only one person in my immediate family today who considers herself Jewish and who keeps some observance. My mother intermarried and unfortunately, she does not share my beliefs. But I feel the weight of the family's transition and I feels that I have to bring Jewdaism back into my family by doing what I am doing. When people tell me I do not look Jewish it does hurt more than when they call me a dirty name for being Jewish (both have happened to me).

(19)
Rachel,
September 13, 2010 4:53 PM

When Fellow Jews Tell Me I "Don't Look Jewish"....

...I usually smile and say "I hear that a lot." In fact, my fair skin, blue eyes, etc. are due to my Irish heritage -- I am a convert. Luckily, in our diverse Orthodox shul which numbers several adult converts as well as adopted children of other ethnicities, my children have been immune from such comments.

(18)
L Raj,
September 13, 2010 10:38 AM

...thank G-D they did !

Be thankful your grand-parents did what they did - you wouldn't be here otherwise.
People do what they can to survive.
I am moved by your grandparents immense self-sacrifice to survive. We should value that, rather than judge it. There is nothing more precious than life and trust me, they did all they could to keep it safe for your future.
We are lucky to live in places and at a time when you don't have to hide your religion on a daily basis. They did not have that luxury.
Remember their sacrifice during these high holidays and thank G-D they did !

(17)
Grace Fishenfeld,
September 13, 2010 12:22 AM

Smelling Like Roses.

A Rose is a Rose is a rose. The Jewish poet, Gertrude Stein, once wrote.
We are who we are. Lucky for us we are living in a country that protects the rights of different religions.
Never once did I feel that I should be ashamed of being a Jew in America. I have, however, experienced nasty comments about being Jewish but it never threatened my desire to remain Jewish.
I had a student in one of my art classes who suggested that we design ethnic dolls. I asked her to give me an example of how she would design one. She thought and said that she would love to make a Jewish doll with pennies pasted to its fingers. When I informed her that I, her teacher, was Jewish, she said she was sorry and said that she would design an Italian female doll with one eyebrow and hair under her armpits. Sorry, dear child, I replied which then started a discussion of the dangers, hurtfulness and absurdity of stereotyping. Not a bad discussion in a High School art classroom, which fortunately ended with better respect for people of differing heritage.

(16)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2010 10:54 PM

This is a beautiful story of self discovery.

(15)
jgarbuz,
September 12, 2010 10:37 PM

Why take umbrage?

A hook nose proves Middle Eastern origins. So what if a turned up pug nose is more aesthetic - what of it? When Jews had no homeland, and were a minority everywhere, and wanted to "fit in" with the majoritarian society, they tried to hide behind whatever they could. That should no longer be necessary. There are now many diasporas, and many minorities, but there is also a Jewish state. The whole subject matter is today essentially irrelevant. Everyone who lives long enough gets ugly anyway. In the long run, it's what's inside that really counts in the long haul.

(14)
judy,
September 12, 2010 9:49 PM

My grandmother's hidden Jewish background

My grandmother who came from Sweden, who's mother came from Finand, and was Jewish. Came to America at Ellis Island wth her uncles and registered Jewish upon entry into the country. But somewhere in the process after that told no one. She raised my father without religion of any kind. So we never knew.
She was extremely intelligent. She married a German American and ended up in Jamestown, N.D. and started a dairy farm business, but managed to get all her grandchildren on that side of the family into college. She pushed education. And culture. But I grew up in California and knew little of anything about my family anyway.
I discovered with the help of a teacher in the eighth grade that if I studied I could make the honor roll. After that I studied just to see where I stood in the class, and figured out that I had intelligence at the top of the class when I applied myself. The brains came from somewhere.
The diaspora is an interesting thing. I am sure that the DNA spread throughout the world brought leadership into other cultures without people even knowing where it came from. But I am sure God has a plan it it all.
When the Messiah does return he will gather his people back out of the nations, and many people will find out the leadership of the nations that were Jewish and helped build up the nations. History will gain a new insight into the historian and plan behind it all.

(13)
Dov,
September 12, 2010 9:36 PM

Phantom

Your story reads as a shadow and parallel to my own family's history, only alter genders - may the Almighty strengthen your conviction as He has mine.

(12)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2010 9:12 PM

You don't look jewish...

Having always felt something is missing in my life and this longing that comes from "nowhere", I very much identify with you and your feelings. rIght now I'm in the process of discovering my roots, and am not sure if I'll ever know the truth. Fear is greatest obstacle, from surviving elders that still don't dare to speak up, and from the gone ascendants that made such a clever job at hiding their jewishness, not only from the society they lived in, but from their own offsprings.
I am so glad that you were able to recapture your jewishness at such tender age, that is a true blessing. I wish it had been the same for me, my life would have been way different, and undoubtfully better.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I wish you a good and sweet year.

(11)
Beverly Kurtin,
September 12, 2010 9:05 PM

You're not Jewish; where are your horns?

Yes, I once had a woman tell me that. In return I asked her about her ears, they didn't look right for her ancestory. That befuddled her, of course, and she asked what I meant. Well, you ARE descended from Baalim's mode of transportation, aren't you? (If you recall, Baalim was supposed to curse Israel but couldn't. He rode on the back of a talking jackass.
The stereotypical "Jewish" nose is actually the Roman nose. I don't have one of those and neither, of course, do I have horns. I asked the lady where she got her ludicrous misinformation from. I should have known. Her preacher. Sigh...
The Community Center a few blocks from where the Twin Towers used to stand has raised many, many questions. How can any Muslim do what they do when their Koran prohibits acts like that. How, indeed, can followers of any given religion not follow what their holy books have to say. BECAUSE THEY DO NOT READ THEM: THEY ARE TOLD WHAT THEIR RELIGIOUS LEADERS WANT THEM TO KNOW.
I love Torah. How much? I have several copies of both Torah and Tenach. I even have the complete Torah on CD that I've transferred to my cell phone! How sweet it is to be able to listen to Torah when I can't read, like driving down the road or waiting for the doctor to keep our appointment. We have all heard people say things that are NOT in Torah and swear that what they said is in there.
Although it makes for some entertainment for me (my friend's father-in-law insists that the Christmas tree is in Torah!) it shows the dearth of knowledge that many people have.
So how could they know what "we" look like?
I wish everyone an easy fast.

(10)
Yerusha,
September 12, 2010 8:42 PM

Jewish Descendants in Diaspora

The question of looks is always a big one that cuts deeply at the heart of Jews or Jewish descendants in diaspora. Now, I am totally at peace with it. My paternal greatgrandfather and maternal greatgrandmothers were Jews who came to Indonesia from the direction of Holland and Portugal. They also intermarried with locals [who became Christians through Dutch missionaries], and therefore our looks are a blend of uncanny mixture. For more than 100 years, our Jewishness had been a buried secret. Fortunately for me, my father had this compelling urge to create signposts along the way as we grew up, e.g: his peculiarities of not eating pork, his obssessive sketching of my greatgrandfather's face (hooked nose), his habit at every meal to pray for the peace of Jerusalem, his feverish obsession to side on Israel during Yom Kippur war. Finally, the fact that he told me a few times that his grandfather was a Jew who took on a local surname. The uncanny 'feeling' of being different throughout my life, is like a psychological sickness in me. I've ignored my father's legacy for years, until 5 or 6 years ago in my mid 40s that the compelling urge began to take action. And so here I am still on the journey of discovering my Jewish root. Whether others accept my Jewishness or not based on my look, it does not matter to me anymore. My soul can no longer succumb to other opinions about it. I embrace all my blood lines, but the Jewish side needs to be more than embraced, it needs to be vindicated.

(9)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2010 7:42 PM

Being Serious in the picture

"They look serious as newlyweds often did in those days...", in those days, people didn't have digital cameras. They had some kind of camera that took AGES until it would snap a picture. Another reason why they and other people never smiled is because they have to sit/stand still for a long time until the picture was taken.
Besides that, the article was very interesting and inspiring.

(8)
Emily,
September 12, 2010 7:31 PM

sad and sweet ending

How sad it is that one must deny their faith in order to survive. My heart wrenches at this and a lump appears in my throat. I shall pray for the author and any others that suffered this kind of indignation and cruelty. Prayers are also needed for those who impose it. God Bless you and others like you.

(7)
Welton,
September 12, 2010 7:00 PM

Thank you.

What a beautiful story of love. It brought back many memories of my step-grandmother who was orthodox and would never speak of her faith because of the rude comments often made by individuals to include my grandfather. What a beautiful person whe was and what a legacy she left behind.

(6)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2010 6:14 PM

Beautifully written!. Your article makes me think of my grandparents who came to South Africa too from Russia at the turn of the 20th century. They were very secretive about their lives in Russia. A very healthy, happy sweet year to you and your family

(5)
Ron. Burdman,
September 12, 2010 5:06 PM

Great article,good reading

(4)
ian senior,
September 12, 2010 3:54 PM

jewish looks

Stereotyping individuals according to appearances fits well with an excessive exaggerated creative media. As much information is transmitted to recipients as misinformation.
It could well be argued that no one looks more Jewish than I do, anywhere. I descend from roots that were Spanish-jewish, French-creole, Highlander-Scottish and Anglo-Irish, 100% Trinidadian, with some early 'gentile' ancestors in the West Indies as early as 1616.
Ever interested in whatsoever is Jewish, I prefer to describe myself as partly-Jewish, Nevertheless, in a country with maybe 25 jews, most of whom migrated and often get labeled as being some other nationality, my less than '1/4 Jewish past is somewhat amusing, somewhat surprising. When told of my Jewishness, both Jewish and gentile respondents might retort along the lines 'I could tell, you look like a Jew" 'how all of all yo is Jew?''I thought you was a Spanish" 'Not so, you is a Trini white"'Who in all you family was a Jew!'''All you ent Corsican?' "Not so,all you is red- French creole!'..red meaning afro-euro. There is no afro in my ancestry.
There is no such thing as a Catholic look or Jewish look. In Northern Ireland a Catholic stereotype will be described as a Catholic look. In several countries a Jewish stereotype may be described as a Jewish look. Neither really exists

(3)
,
September 12, 2010 2:10 PM

I am a Russian jew. I have looked Russian my whole life. Not only that, when my Goishe friends found out that I was Jewish they were trying to convince me otherwise. I always felt different even though my father was a russian christian and I was baptized I always felt like there was something different about me. My grandfather a jewish communist was very happy to hear that my mother was getting married to a GOy. To him, I would have some kind of future. Who would have thought that 30 years latter his embarrassment of being jewish would turn into my embarrassment of being RUSSIAN.

(2)
Sharon Cohen,
September 9, 2010 5:09 AM

What does a Jew look like?

If you are an Indian Jew you look Indian
If you are a Chinese Jew , you look Chinese
If you are an Ethiopian Jew you look Ethiopian
We have been spread through the Diaspora and we have taken on looks that are reflective of the areas where we live. I think that this only happens after many generations in an area.
My daughter has been asked if she was , Indian, Greek , Spanish or Iranian . Funnily enough she has never been asked if she was Jewish. Both my husband and I are Ashkenazi born in South Africa emigrated to the States and then Canada.
The more Jews I meet the more I understand that I do not have an answer to the question!!!

(1)
Anonymous,
September 7, 2010 11:14 PM

As a woman converting to Judaism, I too have always felt the pull in the direction of Judaism. Very young the Christianity I was compelled in to did not fit. As Rosh HaShana has been approaching I have been preparing through Teshuva for several weeks and I don't wake up in the morning in a rage, I have stopped cursing (for the most part) and I have concluded to make that vow... to never curse again. Prostration works, it is humbling... and it WORKS. I empathize and understand the author's drive to follow what has been calling to her and now does. There is a great birthright in being Jewish and I truly mean that. It is something to live up to and I will not disappoint myself or my Rabbi. The kindness he showed me when he told me, "Your words touched my heart and I will help you convert." I put quotes because that is basically what was said and it certainly almost made me cry with tears of joy. I am so happy now, truly happy when I get up and it is such a great difference. That which has controlled me in a very negative way is being let go by me. To read the ancient words, to pray in Hebrew and to thank G-d is with more and more certainty that I am finally on the appropriate path. Everyone, please enjoy your families and friends especially at this time and I thank you all for prayers and good will extended to me and to others in your life. Every day can be a great a holy day because Hashem does not leave us. We must never leave Hashem.