Yesterday David Ortiz became an American citizen, so he could torment John Rocker by enjoying the full rights afforded by the Constitution while speaking only un tooch of de Ingles. Apparently, inclusion in the U.S. of Gay that is Red Sox Nation doesn't stack up to being an full-blooded American.

Ortiz joined 226 immigrants from 57 countries as they raised their right hands and took the Oath of Citizenship at the John F. Kennedy Library in Dorchester.

"My whole family, kids, and everyone have been born here," Ortiz, who was born in 1975 in Santo Domingo, told reporters afterward. "It's a great country – proud to be here, now proud to be a part of it."

When pressed by reporters, Ortiz did not endorse a presidential candidate.

Sweet Jiminy Christmas Ape, reporters are annoying as hell. "Hey, slugger, congrats on becoming a citizen, care to say something controversial for me to print?" Ortiz was surely disappointed to discover citizenship doesn't allow one to hunt members of the media for sport like in the Dominican Republic. Which truly is the greater nation?