Because I need a break in talking about HOW I AM NOT IN LABOR YET, I decided to scan some photos from this kind of hilarious cookbook I found in my office last week. And then say semi-funny things about the photos, like I'm James Lileks and the Gallery of Regrettable Food or something.*

*I am so not James Lileks and the Gallery of Regrettable Food or something. I'm just bored and again, NOT IN LABOR YET.

(EDITED TO ADD: Before everybody thinks I'm taking easy potshots at the gentle Midwesterners and their love of the Hotdish and Cream of Mushroom soup, let me state for the record that this company is located in Florida. Which makes zero sense, I know, but yes, Florida.)

Actually, the cleverly named "Green Dessert" provided a welcome respite from all the other hideously monochromatic excrescence on offer. Could anyone else feel her arteries hardening? And that--that STUFF draped in dried beef looked like a monster cow pat.

Oh my god, had to delurk to say that you are one lucky lady to have found the cookbook. It is out of control hilarious. I have never seen a collection of such unappetizing dishes. I bet the DC Foodie LOVES that cookbook and is jealous that his family doesn't have such delicious recipes.

Hee. I especially loved this part: Recommended wine: Beer. Also: Dayum, them people be lovin' their fluorescent orange cheese!

Also: BABALAH, COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE! (She adds hastily before the very pregnant woman comes to beat her with a stick). (You did say your doctor wouldn't let you go past your due date, didn't you? So will he be inducing tomorrow? Sorry for my complete and utter nosiness).

So, what... are you saying you're not in labor yet? hahahah Just teasing. Good luck with all that. And I may not read the cooking stuff. I mean, my chef does all that for me so why should I worry about it. Oh, sure... it's Chef Boy-r-dee but still...

The scariest part of all is that those recipes probably taste damn good. Sort of like the green jello mold the little old ladies make for the church meet-n-greets. Bring on the shaved carrots in Jello!

Okay, the pictures were not good for me to see. Especially because I am still dealing with the horror that is morning/all day sickness (just one more week of this). And what's with all the cheese and meat? Have any of these people heard of a freakin' vegtable??

holy jesus, i can't breathe. that is too freaking funny.
is that company based in wisconsin perhaps? because it sounds like everything i had to eat as a kid. minus the clam balls (thems too fancy! ;) ) or the mold balls (ew).

What's the problem? I live in Minnesota. That's the state food here. Tater Tot Hotdish. Green Dessert. I have PERSONALLY eaten several of those breakfast casseroles. (Quickly followed by several Tums and a St. Joe's aspirin, because, you have to protect your heart.)

Honestly. Don't you people realize the middle of the country really likes cheese in every manner mixed with canned soups and sausage? Please.

O'my GAWD...I think that company totally swiped my mom's recipe box and tried to pass it off as original. I was forced to eat that crap for 18 years before I escaped. Would you be surprised to learn that I'm now a vegetarian? After I stopped shuddering with horrible childhood memories, I laughed until I wet my pants. Good stuff, Amy.

Delurking because, well, I snorted when I saw the Mexican gravy. Who thinks adding salsa to Heinz gravy is a good idea? And then says...mmmm, I'll add some water and Mrs. Dash. Ewww. Also, people, it's Wisconsin that's famous for the cheese, not so much Minnesota. And lastly, best wishes for a speedy delivery of Babalah.

Ew. Gross. Ew. And I LIKE cheese. The things those people have done to cheese are just wrong. And what the hell is up with anyone using that jarred beef for anything they want people to eat? I shall never serve anything from this to my friends; I want to keep them as friends.

Those are some of the grossest looking recipes I have ever seen... and I'm from KY. I've seen a lot of gross looking recipes. In fact, they were so gross that I de-lurked after a year of...erm...lurking, to leave this comment about the grossness.

Thanks for the humorous distraction from the paper I'm supposed to be writing! :)

If this is the stuff you're going to put out while not in labor, then I hope there's at least one more day. This is some funny shit. I think my favorites are the stuffed chiles and the scary pile o' meat. I'm surprised there isn't more gravy in those recipes.
But seriously, best wishes to you and your family. Hope you are feeling well and that labor comes "naturally" soon!

See, I know it's from Florida because they used an orchid as a garnish, and because there was a Tampa Bay Bucs coffee cup in there, hiding behind someone's Heart Attack Breakfast on carefully coordinated Nuclear Orange Fiestaware.
Was anyone else confused by the tater-tots dinner? I'm not just talking about the idea of tater tots over cream o'mushroom soup and ground beef - The Atherosclerotic Shepherd's Pie - but the scale and concept problems arising from the choice of a Smoky Joe Weber grill as a table accent.
So puzzling. Maybe they grill tater tots at Company? That seems...flammable.

It is clear the baby has not arrived because Amalah had some unfinished work to do. If she had a cuddly little babalah at home, there would be no way that post would have ever been written.

And we all would have been the poorer.

My aunt once made chicken enchiladas with mushroom soup and sour cream. My neighbor once invited me over for Fettucine Alfredo and served me some sort of pasta in Velveeta Cheese, milk, and green onion sauce. These people must be stopped.

Being from Minnesota, I have to laugh as I've seen many of these dishes. And to go with the Green Salad, we ate White Hotdish (Tuna Noodle Casserole). Although I am surprised at the absense of ketchup. A mighty staple at our dinner table.

Holy mother fucker. I don't know how you, as a pregnant woman could look at those photos long enough to compose a caption. I feel sick and I'm going to go fix myself a drink and forget I ever saw that.

I have the sense that the same phrase may have precipatated a few of those dishes as well...

ew.

**********************************************************
( P.s. Soooo funny. How did you manage NOT to go into labor reading that? I almost did, I was laughing so hard :), ..and I'm not even pregnant! )

The pictures were offensive enough. But your comment about the mug - OF WHICH I HAVE TWO TO MATCH MY T-SHIRT AND STADIUM CUSHION! - made me feel sorry for my Tampa Bay Bucs. Even though we did just beat Green Bay.
Sincerely,

A Floridian

P.S. Yes, we Floridians do love our cheese. Be grateful there wasn't lots of Crisco in those recipes -- another staple of true Southerners.

Dayum, Amy, you definitely brought the funny today. And some of the comments were almost, *almost* as hilarious as your witty commentary. I love laughing out loud; I'm pretty sure it's good for my health. Not so much like the recipes.

okay - so recipes/pictures such as these are not new to me...i have trawled through and laughed at many many cookbooks of the early eighties.
what disturbs me is that i just realised that Miss Amalah can't have been working at this same company since the early eighties and there is a damn good possibility that this collection is of a rather recent vintage - is this true?!?!
Do people still eat like this? Really? If so, can somebody (Amalah - i am looking at chew) please post photographic evidence? Like of the woman who made the mexican gravy and today's newspaper?
And indeed! what is with the colour of your cheese?
America is seeming strange and weird to me...

For the record, I just want to be clear that I wrote my earlier post before actually looking at the cookbook/photos. Eww. That kind of cheese does not excite me. (Why would they do that to cheese? Why, oh why?)

so, i got distracted and accidently read the comments before i looked at the now-infamous cookbook debacle.
and now i'm scared.
very, very scared.
and i feel i may have to boycott untill i see a picture of the babalah.
but, of course, that's totally not true because i'm going to go back and look at it right now.

still, it would be nice to see the babalah.
babalah?
can you hear me?
come out now!!

p.s. amalah, you are awesome. i ate a big dinner and i feel like i'm too fat to READ A BOOK for class tomorrow. and here you are still all clever and cute and shit.
you're making me look lazy.
hmm...

I gotta say non-Woggy White people not only can't dance, they can't cook either! lovely pictures of bad food!
I generally take either my really good home made guacamole salad to a company picnic or pot luck, or I make my beautiful Shrimp Malai, which everyone loves. I fix it so that it's not too much for the White people that aren't woggy, the curry powder gives it that nice atomic orange color they love so.
As far as guacamole goes, it's da bomb,it's all fresh avacados, fresh sour cream, freash lime, and I bring some good corn chips.
I usually have to be very hungry in advance before a potluck or company picnic because the food is terrible, and I never worked for a company that had wine or beer at the company picnic. :(! Very few companies I've worked for even had wine or beer at a company Christmas party, I did have a boss give me a 5th of Jamesons whiskey though! That ROCKED, I still got the bottle, it's empty, it's there to remind me that not all bosses are scum! :)

Dude, I think whomever lived my new apartment before my husband and I totally owned that cookbook, cause my apartment smells like the place where all casserole and goulash came to die. Mixed with stale ashtray stank.

My 9 year old daughter looked at these with me. We concurred on every single one: ewwwwwwwwwwwww; but she thought the soup and Tater Tot one was particularly disgusting. Her final comment, "Are these supposed to be good?"

okay.
i totally just wet my pants a little.
i mean, really. just a little. but still.
i'm only 27.
i seriously hope i never encounter anything even remotely funny after the age of 35.
because god-only-knows what could happen then.

I just innocently came here to check for a new entry before I got ready for work. That was 20 minutes ago and now I'm running late. Damn you (and the commenters ("pacman carcass", ha!))for being so funny.

I can't believe that nasty shit made it's way into a cookbook. I hate breakfast sausage, and that just made my hatred even deeper. And cream of mushroom soup? In everything? Really? Those guys are pretty creative, I tell you what.

Since today is your due date, I know that the baby will be here by the next time you post. I just KNOW it (I think).

Wow, that was absolutely disgusting. I gagged quite a few times as I sat here eating my morning bagel. There should be some kind of a warning before unsuspecting eaters venture in. That said, I laughed my butt off.