Sepp Blatter and his League of Untouchable Gentlemen recruit the GFA’s Kwesi Nyantakyi

The words of a true champion of justice. The Luxury Player can picture Untouchable Sepp uttering these words, his voice grimly resolute and conviction’s steely glint in his eyes, before stepping back from the microphone, donning his Fedora, nodding to a grizzled Sean Connery and striding down the steps of Fifa HQ, pushing his way through a gaggle of betrenchcoated reporters, pausing only to light an unfiltered cigarette before hopping into his Buick century and driving off.

Not being any ordinary angel of justice, Sepp Blatter will, upon his return home, have slid down a pole concealed behind a set of bookcases along the back wall of his study and emerged in the hi-tech, subterranean lair he lovingly calls the Blatt Cave. His mission to assemble a team to aid him in the fight against the corrosive spread of corruption has begun.

“What I can confirm is that there was an agent in the deal and the transaction was done above board. There was nothing shrouded in secrecy. The FA and all the Clubs were informed about it,” he told the media. “The commission is 10% and that commission was an improvement over the previous sponsorship deals where commissions paid were 15%. This one was negotiated to 10%.”

GFA President Kwesi Nyantakyi learns of his nomination to the Untouchables

When asked whether he was corrupt, lawyer Nyantakyi categorically stated that,“I am not corrupt! For me, corruption is a situation of somebody using his position to make a personal gain. Apart from what is legally due me, I don’t see any other gain I make. I rather spend my time and I am not paid for the value of the time. So to that extent, the football association is cheating us….”

Take that, doubting Thomases and Thomasinas!! In an act of sacrifice of almost messianic proportions, Kwesi Nyantakyi has willingly become corruption’s victim in order to spare the football-loving public of Ghana. The unfortunate man accepts a veritable pittance in no way commensurate with the tireless labours his office demands. In a profession where even the riches of Croesus would be scant financial reward, Nyantakyi refuses to complain when the FA underpay him and has even gone so far as to reduce the percentage he receives from kickbacks. Is it any wonder that Sepp Blatter admires him so?

Nyantakyi has meanwhile shown himself unafraid to tackle football’s enemies, no matter how powerful they may be: “some of the people who complain the quality of the league has gone down also run clubs and the question you ask is that what have they done in their small way to help in solving the problem,” he sermonised, wagging his finger and explaining with fervent zeal that the small way in which club owners could influence Ghanaian football would naturally be much far more instrumental than any of the large ways which he as the head of Ghanaian football’s governing body has at his disposal.