Playboy is Making Sure You Never See a Naked Woman Ever Again

Listen up, perverts. Playboy announced Monday that the magazine would no longer print nude photos, meaning the glory days of ogling and gawking at naked ladies are finally over. It was a good run.

In an effort to boost subscriptions, Playboy is moving towards more PG-13, suggestive material, though one suspects the real reason is that the editors are grossed out by nude women and want to ruin it for everyone else.

You thought you could stare at naked breasts forever, like the fun would never stop, didn’t you? They could take your guns, sure. They could even take your right to free speech or, hell, the right to a fair trial. But taking away your nude women? It was unfathomable. This is now the world we live in, though, and you’ll just have to get used to a reality where naked women are simply a thing of the past. Hopefully you’ve kept your mental vault filled, because it’s all you have to go on from here on out. There’s no confirmation yet that the Playboy editors will be hunting down every single back issue of the magazine, but you and I both know it’s going to happen.

The America you know and love is dead. One day, your teenage son will come to you – desperate to see images of naked women – and ask what it was like before Playboy turned its back on the world.

“It was glorious,” you’ll say, as you stare off into the distant sunset, trying your hardest to recall the image of two perfectly airbrushed breasts after so many years.