Behavior Management in the Home

When you are working with your own children you have many more possibilities than a classroom teacher. You already have a close relationship with your children. You are already the authority in their lives. But you also spend your lives with your children and that can bring unique challenges.

Stay Focused; Show Your Love For God

Think about what you want for your children. What is your goal? Why do you care how they behave? How can they know what is the right choice to make? The Bible says that we should believe in Jesus and follow Him. We should raise our children with that goal. Keeping this in mind can keep you focused when you train your children how to behave. Whenever you discipline your children, remember that your goal is to teach them about Jesus and how to follow Him through His grace and love. You want them to please Him in everything they do. Tell them this. Tell them that the most important thing in life is to know Jesus personally and to please Him. No matter who is around, no matter what is going on nearby, choose the right way because Jesus died for you. He loves you more than you will ever understand. He wants the best for you. Choose His way. It is always the best way. In every situation ask yourself, "What would make God happy?" or "What would bring the most glory to God?" Then do that, no matter how hard it may seem.

Teaching Right and Wrong

Thankfully God gave us instructions on how to raise our children. The Bible is full of wisdom and instruction on raising children to personally know God. Step 1: Prayer. You can do nothing without God. Acknowledge it. Ask for His help. Tell Him you want to teach your kids to love Him and follow Him with all their hearts. Ask Him to give your wisdom and grace, and to move on their hearts. Step 2: Live it. Deuteronomy 6: 4-7 says (NASB), "Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up."*This means you must first have God's words on your own heart. Then you teach them to your children every day, in everything you do.

The Word of God

What does it look like to talk with your children when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down and when you rise up? Don't worry. Yes, it does mean that you need to live a life that is an example to them of Christ. But it also means that you talk with your children about God's Word. The Word of God changes people. Pray and ask God to change your children through reading the Bible and through learning the Scriptures. - Have a family devotional time. My family has a morning devotion every morning over breakfast. We have a devotional book we use. It has a Bible story, a life application, and a short prayer. When we are finished with the devotional book, we read other picture books that are Bible stories. We talk more about the lessons we can learn from the people in the Bible. Not every family can spend so much time at breakfast. Maybe you can start your day by listening to a worship song and reciting some memory verses together on the way to drop the children off at school. Or maybe you need to have devotional time at dinner, before everyone shares about their days. However you do it, make it a priority. - Memorize Scriptures together. The NIV of Psalm 119:11 says, "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." That can be one of the first verses you learn together. Then, as situations come up in life, look to the Bible for instruction on what to do. Memorize those verses. As your children grow and learn more about God, be sure to learn verses about salvation, such as the "Roman Road." Say the verses together each day to help everyone memorize them.- Have individual Bible study time. In the middle of the day, my family has "Bible Time." Everyone gets a Bible or Bible story book and reads independently. This is a great way for us to redirect our minds and refocus on God in the middle of the day. For children who can't read yet, you can record yourself reading their favorite Bible story books. Save the files as MP3 files to put on a MP3 player or save them as WAV files to burn them onto a CD for use on a CD player. Children can then listen to the story on their own, even though they cannot yet read. WavePad is a free audio-recording software that I have used to do this for my own family. My children love listening to me read their books. They can use headphones if the recording is distracting to others. Set a timer and read quietly until the timer goes off. Then casually discuss what was read and what was learned.- Use Scripture when discussing behavior. When your children do things that are against God's will, acknowledge that their behavior is what sinners do. But we don't have to live that way once we believe in Jesus. When we are saved, we receive the Holy Spirit and have the power to choose God's way. Quote the verse in the Bible that explains that the behavior is wrong, or what the correct behavior would have been. This changes the focus from an earthly response to one that is focused on pleasing God. See the separate section on verses for some example verses. - Play Bible games. There are many games related to the Bible that can be fun and beneficial. Play games that focus on the Scriptures or on life application of the Scriptures. This will not only be fun, but will also help everyone increase their retention of Bible knowledge. This website has some great ideas in the "Christian" section. There are also many games that can be purchased at local Christian stores. - Sing praises together. Seeds Family Worship and other artists have music that is based on Scriptures. Fill your house and car with music that is uplifting and will also help everyone memorize Scriptures. - Pray together. Pray often. Although our prayers do not always have Scripture verses quoted in them, they are a huge part of what brings us close to God and what helps us apply God's Word in our lives. We try to follow the advice of our pastor; whenever we start a new activity, we pray. Before breakfast, we pray. When we head out to run errands, we pray. When we go to special classes, we pray. When we have friends over, we pray. And when we pray, we ask God to help us do the things we have learned in the Bible. We ask Him to help us share our toys when we have friends over, or to forgive others when they are mean to us at the park. We ask Him to help us choose His way, and to give us opporunities to share God's love with others. We pray for each other to overcome the things we are struggling with. We pray for the salvation of others. We thank God for His love, for hearing us, for helping us, and for His promises. We pray, and pray, and pray. Sometimes the prayers are quite lengthy. Sometimes they are just a sentence or two. But this way we talk about God's ways when we sit in our house, when we walk by the way, when we lie down and when we rise up.

Verses for Behaviors

As mentioned in the above section, quote Scriptures to your children regarding their behavior instead of simply telling them to stop it. After quoting it to them for a while, they will be able to tell it to you. For example, when my daughter comes to me and tells me something minor her brother did against her, I say, "In understand how you could feel that way. As sinners we would always want things our way and for us to always have our rights. But Jesus saved us from our sin. What does the Bible say about that?" or "What does God say about that?" She responds with the appropriate verse. Or if necessary, we can look up the verse together or I can tell her the verse. Then I ask, "So what is the right thing to do?" She then responds with how she should handle the situation. Sometimes my kids can say what the right thing is, but they still don't want to do it. In that case I would ask, "Do you want me to pray with you about this, that God would give you the strength to choose His way? He knows how you feel. Jesus prayed in the garden that He wouldn't have to die on the cross and be separated from God. But He was willing to choose God's way even though it was harder than we can understand." They usually respond positively, and after prayer they usually do choose the right thing.

Someone does something against your or that hurts you a little

Proverbs 19:11 (NIV): A person's wisdom yields patience; it is to one's glory to overlook an offense. (Be sure to talk about "offense" so it makes sense.)

Being selfish; not wanting to share or serve others

Hebrews 13:16 (NASB): And do not neglect doing good and sharing for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Almost any time (instead of "Because I said so")

Colossians 3:20: Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement is the idea of providing a positive response (a reward) when a desirable behavior is done, in an effort to encourage the person to do the behavior again. Some people are reluctant to provide positive reinforcement, because they feel that they are bribing their children. The idea of positive reinforcement is from behavior management, but the basic idea is supported in examples through the Bible. God rewards those who obey Him. He provides blessings, protection, intimacy, and other rewards to those who obey His commands. Done appropriately, in conjunction with the other ideas mentioned above, and in conjunction with negative consequences (discussed below), positive reinforcement can be an effective and important part of the way you teach your children to obey God. You first need to determine what reward will be effective with your children. Different children love different things. Some children really like dessert, other children really like playing computer games, other children really like candy, etc. What do your children love the most? Of the things your children love, which one of them would be a good reward? For example, my children love to read books with me. But that is not a good reward, because we need to read books together every day, regardless of their behavior. My children also love to play on their electronic learning toys. That would be a great reward because I don't mind them playing educational games, but it isn't something I already let them do every day. Think about what your children love, and pick something you can reward them with when they do things God's way.Next, pick a method for keeping track of the rewards your children earn. This is any way you want to track their good choices and determine how much of the reward your children earn. Some examples are: stickers, marbles in a jar, magnets on a board, stamps on a paper, etc. What would your children enjoy? What can you feasibly add into your daily routine? Will you have a separate reward for each child, or will you do it collectively. Also decide how many of the items they must earn before they get the reward.Next, determine which behaviors you want to reinforce. What behaviors do you most want your children to change? What behaviors have you been learning about during your devotions? This can be one major behavior you really want to target, or many, many behaviors.

After you pick a reward, have a way to keep track of good behavior, and have determined which behaviors will be rewarded, explain the plan to your children. Tell them you have a new idea. From now on, whenever they _______________ (do the behavior you want), they will _____________________ (stamp a page, get a sticker, etc.) and when they get ___________________ (10 stamps), they will get ________________ (to pick a piece of candy out of the basket). Practice a couple behaviors to get them going. Then be consistent with your new plan. For example, whenever my children do something that pelases God, they get a sticker for their post-it. Every day when we have "computer time" they get to play on their electronic learning toys for as many minutes as they have stickers. So if they earn 14 stickers, that night they get to play for 14 minutes. This works great for them because they get the immediate reward of getting a sticker, which they are still young enough to enjoy. They also get the greater reward of time on their electronic learning toys, which they love to have and is also educational. This is what is working for us. You need to think about what will motivate your child/children. See some ideas below for ways to keep track of a child's behavior.

Ideas for Tracking Behaviors

Sticker Chart

Here is a page you can print for a daily way to track how many times your child did a desired behavior. Print it on color paper. Cut it into fourths on the gray dotted lines. Put it in an easily accessible place. When the target behavior is done, color in one box, put a stamp or sticker, make a check mark or draw a funny face, or whatever your child would like the most. Do this every time your child does the desired behavior. Use the marks to determine how much of a reward is given, or tell children they will get a reward when the entire paper is full, whichever fits with your plan for positive reinforcement.

Marble Jar

Traditionally the marble jar involves getting a jar and putting in one marble every time a desired behavior is done. Once the jar is full, the reward is given. This can be easily modified to reflect your child's interests. You can use a box and fill it with rocks if your child likes outdoor thing. You can use a picture of a girl and put jewels in her hair if your daughter likes jewelry. You can be very creative with this. This strategy is best for kids who understand waiting. It is not very effective with very young children, because there is too much disconnect between the behavior and the delayed reward.

Moving Magnets

Get a magnetic board, or use a magnetic surface you already have that is easily accessible. Put a desired number of magnets on one side of the board. Make a line or division on the board/surface using electrical tape or something similar. When the target behavior is done, the child can move one magnet to the other side of the board/surface. When all the magnets have moved to the other side, a reward is given. Then the child can work towards moving the magnets back to the other side.

Important Things to Consider

- The younger your children are, the more immediate the reward needs to be. In fact, the behavior can be immediately followed with the reward. For example, every time your child uses their manners, immediately give a sticker, or a piece of candy, or whatever reward you choose. Older children are better at connecting ideas even with time lapses, so they can better understand the connection between doing something right now, and playing a computer game later. The younger or more immature the child, the more immediate the reward needs to be. - Since children have different things that motivate them, you might want to have different rewards for different children. One child may want to earn a special cracker. One child might prefer reading a book in a special fort. One child might be more motivated by watching tv. It is ok to reward children with different rewards, since each one is still something the child really wants. Just be aware that if you choose to reward one child with something another child really wants but cannot have, the unhapp child will be less motivated to earn his or her own reward. For example, if all of your children really like watching tv, but you will only let your oldest child watch tv, the other children will be less motivated by their own rewards because they will focus on the fact that someone else if getting something that they want but can't have. - Mix things up after a while. You don't have to pick one idea and stick with it for years. If you see that your children are less motivated than they used to be, change the reward or pick a new method all together. - Be sure not to give your children the rewards when they haven't been earned. For example, if the reward is tv time, don't let them watch tv unless they earn it. Or if the reward is candy, don't give them candy at other times. Of course sometimes there are special occastions, like holidays or birthdays, which might be times when you would give your children rewards they didn't earn. Be sure to point out to them that it is a special holiday and you are celebrating something special. Other days they will not be given rewards without earning them.

Negative Consequences

Negative consequences can be controversial. It seems that parents are more and more reluctant to talk about the negative consequences they let their children receive for making bad choices. However, just as with positive reinforcement, the Bible does have examples of negative consequences and even punishments. When know the right choice and choose the wrong one anyway, they need to experience negative consequences. This will vary depending on the age and personailty of your children.

Some consquences are natural consequences. If you "hate" the food a refuse to eat it, you will be hungry. If you throw your toy and break it, it will be thrown away.

Other consequences are routines you establish in your home. For example, if you leave your toys out at night, they are put in time-out until they are earned back. If you don't get ready for bed quickly, you have to put yourself to bed instead of having a parent do it with you. If your room isn't clean, you can't go out with friends. If you slam your door shut, it will be taken off the hinges.

Another level of negative consequences is actually punishment. This is used in situations where natural or routine consequences are not applicable, but the behavior cannot be allowed. For example, if you talk back to your parents, you will be spanked. If you cannot share with your friends, you must sit out while they play.

You need to prayerfully consider the consequences you use with your children. Seek God's help to know what will work with your children and what will honor Him. Here are some verses you might want to prayerfully consider (from the NASB).

Deuteronomy 8:5 - Thus you are to know if your heart that the Lord your God was disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son.

Proverbs 13:24 - He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.

Proverbs 22:15 - Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13 - Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.

Hebrews 12:6 - For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives.

Hebrews 12:10 - For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.

Important Things to Consider

- It is important to point out to your children that you don't enjoy seeing them go through negative consequences; that it is your desire that they would choose God's way every time, and by the grace of God we can say "no" to sin. But it is your responsibility as the parent, who God has put in charge of the family, to let them experience consequences that will help them learn to choose His way. - Knowing when to discipline your children or when to exhibit God's grace can be tricky for parents. Seek God's help with this. However, it is very important to be consistent with your consequences. Children need to know that whatever happens when they do a particular behavior, that is what will happen every time.- If you find yourself in a situation and you don't know what to do, tell your child you need time to pray about it and you will let them know their consequence as soon as you can. Pray about it. Consider how God deals with you and your sin. Yes, His grace always covers your sin, but He does also discipline you and let you experience consequences so that you won't make the same mistakes again.- Letting children experience negative consequences when they are young and issues are relatively "smaller" will set them up to make wise choices when they are older and their decisions have more lasting and intense consequences.