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The tourney is in full swing! March Madness is running wilder than Hulkamania ever did! And we’ve got 3 more brackets of this tripe to get through! LUCKY YOU! So without further ado (ha ha….”doo”) let’s get to the action in the “Hey Meathead, Get Outta My Chair” Bracket!

All in the Family (“Edith’s 50th Birthday”)

vs. Diff’rent Strokes (“Sam’s Missing”)

All in the Family was always a very topical, very thoughtful show. So you gotta believe it took a lot to rise to the level of “very special episode” – and boy did it! In the midst of birthday prep, a creep enters the Bunker house (no, it wasn’t Meathead) and decides Edith is just so irresistible that he’ gotta HIT DAT THANG. No, seriously. This episode has some of the most strained, awkward laughs in sitcom history (aside from the “Except for AIDS, I’m ok” debacle from Mr. Belvedere) because the audience just didn’t know how to react. On one hand, a beloved screen character was in jeopardy of being raped. On the other hand….it’s kind of ludicrous that this guy gets to packing a rod at the sight of Jean Stapelton. Oh well. Diff’rent strokes for different folks I guess (see what I did there!) Edith undergoes 15 minutes of pre-rape menacing until she manages to escape by throwing a burning cake in the guys face and running away faster than George Jefferson chasing J.C. Whittendale. There’s a whole lot of Edith being traumatized in the rest of the episode and her slapping Gloria (who was also attacked once….man, those Bunker women were THE HAWTNESS. What did Arch need with Boom-Boom Turner anyway?) [Mr. BTR says: Dude! Gloria is his daughter!]

On the other side…..oofah. Lil Sam Drummond (Danny Cooksey, who came very close to making me jump through the screen if he said “Myth-Ster D!” one more time) meets a strange gentleman in the supermarket. This fine upstanding fella wants Danny to come home with him because he reminds him of his recently deceased son, who was obviously another red-headed annoying waif. Bringing Sammy around would be ever the tonic for his wife and son, were still pretty bummed about the whole thing. Sam, being the soft hearted dope that he is, agreed to stop on by for a spell to cheer the family up. Well, the spot of tea turned into a hellish two weeks where Sam was held prisoner in the psycho house. Bullied by an older “brother”, enduring a xanaxed-out mother, and the father who promised to kill Myth-Ster D and his loud mouth harridan of a mother (the god-awful Dixie Carter) if he tried to escape. Why didn’t he threaten Pearl the maid while he was at it? After two weeks, Myth-Ster D finally wakes up from his afternoon nap and notices the little brat isn’t around, and proceeds look for him, going so far as to go live TV to threaten to unleash the Gooch like his personal Luca Brazzi if Sam was harmed. This last part may or may not be true depending on how much beer I drank watching this one. Soon enough, ‘lil Sam is rescued from the Bicycle Man crazy house.

Quite the matchup here. On one hand, we get Edith in a highly compromising situation – grawwwl! On the other hand, I got to see Danny Cooksey terrorized to the point of pants wetting for 30 minutes, only to have it spoiled by a “happy” ending. DAMN IT!

WINNER……………………………….. ALL IN THE FAMILY!

The Undercard: The Brady Bunch (“Mail Order Hero”)

vs. Punky Brewster (“Cherie Lifesaver”)

Fun fact! At the time this episode of the Brady Bunch was shot, the Jets were still regarded as a legitimate NFL franchise, as opposed to the sad joke it would soon become (and stay) This episode didn’t help it any (neither did Rex Ryan, but that’s another rant)

Anyway, Bobby wants to meet Joe Willie REALLLY bad, but he’s just some dopey kid. So he does what we’ve all done at one point or another to get the attention of that sports or movie star- feign dying. Who can blame him? Those little SOBs with Make-a-Wish get to do all the cool stuff don’t they? Anyway, Bobby’s lie is exposed when he stubbornly doesn’t die, leading Joe Namath to feel like a bigger dope than when he wore that real FEY fur coat on the sidelines. This episode’s main claim to fame is the censored scene where Mr. Brady gets angry about the ruse and cold-cocks Bobby. (Uh-oh. Given Robert Reeds’ …..um….”proclivities” maybe saying he “cold cocked” a kid isn’t the most tactful wording)

On the Punky Brewster side, her dumb friend plays in a discarded fridge and almost dies. *YAWN* When she was revived and asked how she was doing, her first words were “I almost died. But other than that, pretty good!”

Yeah, I’m gonna ride this horse till he’s pretty well dead

This matchup is too close to call, mainly because of the high level of sucktitude of both shows. So let’s settle this by seeing how the shows have aged:

Holy crap, no contest!

WINNER…………………………………….THE BRADY BUNCH! I’m sorry but look at that coat. A species went extinct for Joe to wear that. I understand that coat was rejected as being too hot for Planet Hoth. On the other side, what’s Punky now, some hot girl? *YAWN* Joe Willie IS A GOD.

BRACKET CHAMPIONSHIP: All in the Family vs The Brady Bunch

What makes All in the Family episode fun for me (well, as fun as a rape-themed episode can be anyway) is that the guy playing the rapist is kind of a minor celebrity because of it. E! True Hollywood Story featured an interview with the actor/rapist, who revealed that people would yell at him and swat him with purses as he walked on the street after that episode aired. Wow, humans are dumb.

As for the Brady Bunch…..well, there’s not much to say was there? The only way they could’ve won was if the pity vote to give the Jets any kind of victory in any kind of arena at all would’ve been a little stronger. It wasn’t.

BRACKET CHAMP: ALL IN THE FAMILY!!!!!! And trust me – I showed restraint here. Do you have any idea just how many “Stretch Cunningham” jokes I was sitting on??? YES I’M GOING TO HELL.