I’m moving back to LA, which means three things;
1) I need a new car (white 93 Porsche 911)
2) I need a cool car alarm to match
3) I need a vanity plate that says “SML PNIS”

As a teenager my favorite commercial was for the Viper car-alarm system. I thought this was the most badass thing in the world. A fucking snake that lives in your car and is trained to attack carjackers—are you kidding me? My stoner mind was blown. When I turned 16, I hooked my pre-owned Wiggermobile up with a banging sound system that I spent all summer saving up for, so there was no way in hell some dude with a crowbar and ski mask was going to steal it and sell it for crack. I went to AutoZone and bought the Viper, but to my surprise it just made boring sounds and there was no snake. False advertising and being a huge stoner sold me on a commercial with a shitty computer-animated snake. (I showed the commercial to a friend from France last night and she thought the alarm system was actually a snake—ha):

Bait car security systems. There’s a bunch of these on the market now and I think a reality show was based off the concept as well? The car is hooked up to a security system that freezes the wheels and shuts the car down and locks the passenger inside. You call to report the car stolen and an Indian person at a desk tracks the GPS on your car, sends an alert to the police, and then with the touch of the button the car shuts down. I saw an MSNBC special about these security systems, but I feel like it needs an added bonus. Once the car freezes and the windows and doors lock, the smell of what a dead man’s fart would smell like should be released through the vents so the driver gets sick and passes out. Or baboons hidden in the backseat hop out and beat the shit out of the thief.

This one is beyond amazing. South Africa has such a high carjacking and auto-theft rate that some genius invented “The Blaster,” which is A FUCKING FLAMETHROWER to keep would-be thieves away. I know this video is a few years old, but it was just brought to my attention last night. Again, a fucking flamethrower torches victims! How Mad Max is this? I want to move to South Africa only so I can have an excuse to torch other cars and people with my road rage.

Motion sensor with voice activation from The Viper. I guess these had so many returns because of dipshits like me who thought the car came with a snake that they had to up the game a little bit and make a talking car like Night Rider. I think people actually stole these cars based on the stupidity of someone owning a talking car. This was also the choice system for small-town drug dealers.

The Club. It was a classic back in the day before alarms, but now if you see someone with The Club you know the car isn’t worth stealing and nothing in the car is worth stealing, either. These are only meant for people who drive pre-owned Acuras and pre-owned Civics because no one wants to be seen in these cars unless you’re a Puerto Rican weed dealer from Bushwick or a weed-dealing wigger from the suburbs.

I’m sure there are plenty more car alarms out there. Some that squirt toxic flesh melting gas, others that make a deafening eardrum-blowing noise, but I haven’t found them yet. So ’til then here’s a clip from New Jersey Drive where they steal a police car:

As a former car thief I would just like to say that The Club is the stupidest anti-theft device going. The Club is made out of tempered steel that would take all day to cut through, it’s true. But steering wheels have to be made out of some soft alloy like aluminum that can be cut through in an instant, which is smart because you a)want them to collapse fairly easily if you’re in a collision so they don’t smash your rib cage, and b) they have to be very easy to cut through so paramedics can get you out quickly if you’re trapped in your car by a collision. If you want to steal a car that is “protected” by the club, all you have to do is snip the run of the steering wheel that it’s attached to and slide it out, and you’re on your way.

My favorite was the Viper-type talking alarm that was vaguely ebonic. “Step away from da ride.”
Why do people still get car alarms, anyway? Does a single person ever pay any attention when one goes off?

I have used a wheel lock for years and really do believe locks like The Club are a very strong visual deterrent, smart thieves that get away with theft look for a vehicle with less trouble than seeking out a car that will require cutting through the lock or steeling wheel or trying to waste time getting caught pissing around dismantling the lock or other anti theft devices. Why risk getting caught? They’ll go for the car without any protection at all.