Spoof news stories from Thursday 4 March 2010

These are the top ten reasons for NOT accepting RED into your lives: submitted by an anonymous writer known merely as 'WHO'.
10. Red lingerie stands for danger, always has and always will.
9. Red is Satan's colour.
8. Red lights are the ones most people 'run' and get tickets for. The orange and green ones are safe.
7. Red electric rings glowing on your stove should NOT...

The war on terror has been officially called off in the wake of charges that American Navy SEALs hurt a terrorists feelings, a Pentagon spokesman said in today's briefing.
The three Navy SEALs, facing court-martial for accusations of abusing a ter...

It had to happen didn't it? "I Dreamed a Dream" her signature ditty was made for the unwilling stars of the Daily Poop and every nightclub from the West End to deepest Essex. Essex girls don't like you subo, you take away their limelight. Subo just f...

An elderly widow from Milton Keynes was shocked to discover a family of 8 illegal immigrants sleeping in a bag of Fair Cop bananas she bought from her local supermarket.
Fat bag
Daisy Upton, 73, said, "Ooh, well, now there's thing. I did think...

Dutch, slightly righter than left politician, Geert Wilders, is on a holy mission.
He wishes to prove not only to Holland, but also to the rest of the world that the Dutch are a nation of cheese eating, tulip growing, windmill worshipping weed smo...

Guru and Holyman, Nithyananda Swami, has been caught on video doing what most Indian Holymen should never do, bunking it up with two women in bed.
The "Horny Holy Man" was shown having raunchy sex sessions with the two women and his devoted follow...

Local man Tom Wilbourne - a self-proclaimed hateful bastard - is in attendance at the International Hateful Bastards Summit in Blackpool.
Tom, 25, says he is honoured to be representing the local community and rubbing shoulders with some of the pl...

DALLAS - Jake Pavelka, the 2010 Bachelor has chosen Vienna Girardi, the woman that he wants to marry, have kids with, and spend the rest of his life with...or maybe not.
An inside source says that the 31-year-old Texan commercial pilot has confide...

Costing 3 billion pounds, the new hard-hitting government safety campaign, aimed at cutting fatalities from spontaneous human combustion, will show a man whistling nonchalantly like some kind of idiot while smoke rises all around him.
Featuring th...

LAKE TAHOE, Nevada - Mariah Carey had just performed at Lake Tahoe's Queen of Spades Club before a private audience made up of members of The San Francisco Giants baseball team.
Last year Carey was voted as The Woman We Would Most Like To Have Tou...

Athens, Greece - The Greek government made a heart-breaking decision today to help solve its financial crisis. The Greeks have sold their beloved Parthenon to an American fast-food giant, Burger Queen. The ancient building will be painted a bright...

A former contestant on American Idol told reporters this morning that she had witnessed fellow contestant, Adam Lambert, delivering hot buns to judge Simon Cowell.
"They thought that everyone had left the show that night but I was so down after b...

A new name that has come up in the Tiger Woods/Elin Nordegren soap opera, Swen Nootrak.
Although little is known about rock guitarist Swen, he has been mentioned as being seen with Elin at different places in Europe and was apparently an old "fri...

Hardon Privates is back from the sex clinic and the hospital and doing fine, according to his wife, Ms. Glamour Privates.
"They operated on Hardon and he's six inches shorter. Also they took a big middle section out of his wanger. That cut him dow...

A fake pilot was arrested in Amsterdam just minutes before take off today shortly after the real pilot was found unconscious in the gents toilet without his uniform.
A police spokesman Dick Van Dyke said the man detained was clearly in a confused...

As the growing season approaches in the Northern Hemisphere, horticulturists, market gardeners and gardeners in general have been given early warning of a phenomenon that strikes any red flower or vegetable. This warning has become necessary as growe...

Warmonger Tony B Liar is set to earn over 5 million pounds when his memoirs are published later this year.
Former Prime Monster B Liar is responsible for the deaths of millions of people in Iraq and Afghanistan including babies and children and of...

A madman known as Mad Marty Morrison was today sectioned under section 4 of the mental health act. Marty was taken away from outside number ten downing street for causing a disturbance.
He was sectioned as an emergency case under section 4 of the...

HOLLYWOOD - The ten remaining girls performed on American Idol. And as Ryan Seacrest talked to the judges, it was fairly obvious that Kara DioGuardi cannot seem to keep from touching Simon Cowell's hands, arms, shoulders, and during the commercials h...

Lady GaGa is the real Mad Hatter so you can forget Johnny Depp star of the latest Tim Burton blockbuster Alice in Wonderland.
Recently Lady GaGa the Maddest Pop star around at present has been seen wearing hats in the shape of a telephone,a lobste...

A man standing outside the Home Office today admitted that the new identity of Jon Venables, the brutal killer of toddler Jamie Bulger on Merseyside in 1993, has indeed been compromised and is available on the internet.
The spokesman didn't say ex...

Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart have been speaking out about the number of poofs on the internet, sorry that should have been Spoofs.
Pattinson speaking from Kent in England from the film set of his latest Movie BEL AMI, Pattinson said "Kri...

The Republican leadership in a joint health care press conference today, announced their plans for a total health care system overhaul.
Congressman John Boehner, of Ohio, stood in front of a draped chalk board and with a flourish, took off the co...

Appalled by recent events in London when an individual known as LeRetard was ordered beheaded by a special session of the Council of the Star Chamber held by Team Purple, a press release was issued today by a spokesperson representing The Red Cult, a...

NASA have ordered all staff to shut up about planet X which is allegedly heading closer to earth causing more and more Earthquakes and Tsunamis.
The last time Planet X was mentioned in any news was just after Xmas day when Planet X was visible on...

We're receiving news from our Los Angeles correspondent Ernie Trebblechance that Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has been involved in a mountain bike accident in a location close to the Hollywood Hills.
We're told that Miley misjudged a downhill g...

London - (Ass Mess): The 27 year-old parole breaker was interviewed at HMP Wormwood Scrubs after cops seized foreign holiday snaps going back several years.
Under parole licence rules Venables has been barred from vacationing abroad without offici...

According to our sources, reports of Robert Pattinson fleeing the USA after some terrible row with love interest Kristen Stewart are terribly misguided.
We were told that Rob was in a hurry to depart the USA simply because he was hurrying to Black...

The girlfriend of Rangers goalkeeper Leah Shevlin has been approached by the President of the Ultimate Fighting Championship with a view to her becoming the sports first female competitor.
UFC bosses were hugely impressed by the severity of the pi...

Hidden away in the lanes and narrow streets of the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, a solitary figure tends her stall, always keeping a watchful eye on the passing tourists. From the stall she sells her home made tribute videos and unofficial, tacky painting...

Gaming corporation Wankbrothers have come under severe fire after one of their popular Wii games requires frantic 'masturbatory movements' in order to get a high score.
The controversy was uncovered by concerned parent Michael Bates who described...

Naomi Campbell some call her a super model others might call her a super slapper has allegedly slapped her chauffeur while he was driving in New York.
The Driver Miodrag Mejdina claims Campbell punched and slapped him from the back seat as he dro...

Miss Boyle, as a reward to her wonderful helpers in the shed, arranged a mini cruise to the Netherlands, it is reported.
The happy group boarded their ferry at Newcastle at 5pm and made their way to their Commodore Class luxury cabins for the trip to IJmuiden in the Netherlands.
Soon it was time to explore and in need of a malt, they tracked down a huge bar, with a stage and with an open vi...

Charlie Sheen the notorious Hollywood bad boy has been contacted by the makers of Mr Sheen cleaning products to see if he is interested in being the face of Mr Sheen in the Mr Sheen television advertisements which are shown in many countries througho...

Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe was reportedly 'delighted' to hear that the elusive 'Chuy' and his 'Bobby Dazzlers' fan club were wholly supportive of the serial killer's latest bid for freedom.
Sutcliffe, who murdered at least 13 women in the No...

Al Gore has moved to Las Vegas because he is fed up giving Global warming lectures in the snow. There is of course a problem its so hot in Las Vegas that nobody wants to listen to a guy yap on about Global Warming for six hours when they could be goi...

Susan Boyle who sometimes sings has taken up Pool and is apparently very good at it. Subo is now being called Super Subo Potter and although her style is not exactly conventional she does seem to get great accuracy using her cue.
One of the bigge...

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin - Taylor Swift, appearing at an outdoor concert in Green Bay, Wisconsin said that she has agreed to join Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez in a nationwide telethon to help raise money to purchase one million purity rings to be given o...

Vancouver, B.C. Winter Olympics Are History - The Norwegians and Swedes know how to Cross Country ski -- they won 8 of the potential 12 Gold Medals and 16 of the 36 possible. The US Total for Cross Country Skiing was 0-Gold, Zip-Silver, and Nada...

LOS ANGELES - Entourage Pictures in association with Universal Pictures has just announced that Charlie Sheen of Two and a Half Men fame will star and direct in the Marlengo Garigliano produced film Mumbai Ménage a Trois
Charlie Sheen will co-star...

ORLANDO - After three months of keeping quiet Eldrick Tont Woods has revealed to CNN's Larry King the real reason he cheated on his wife.
Tiger said that he had promised Elin that he would never reveal the real reason but only if she moved back in...

Guus Hiddink, the former De Graafschap, PSV Eindhoven (twice), Fenerbahçe, Valencia, Holland, Real Madrid, Real Betis, South Korea, Australia and Chelsea manager who is presently the manager of Russia until his current contract expires, and who has s...

An anonymous satirist finally packed up his laptop in the early hours of this morning and headed off to bed after hours of mind numbing attempts to find something new and vaguely amusing to say about the individuals currently languishing in the media...

Its that time of year again when we all indulge our sweet tooth for a little bite of heaven : Girl Scout Cookies!
This year there are some new varieties to try out, Mini Me Shortbread, George Washington Carver Peanut Butter Squares, and of course...

Well stand back all you rockers, rhythm and blues and country fans because here comes Speed Bluegrass Metal, a lively mixture of Alison Krause meets Korn meets Def Leppard!
Developed during the International Bluegrass festival in Pine, Idaho last...

We'd heard the rumours, now we've seen the movie, and we can conclusively confirm that Oscar winning Director James Cameron's directorial debut was a piece of absolute crap.
The director's 'monsterpiece', Piranha 2: The Spawning features acres of...

Cheryl Cole, wife of England left back Ashley Cole and close friend of Sarah Harding out of Girls Aloud expressed an air of indifference when she saw John Terry's much talked about Mohawk haircut.
Mrs Cole did not liken the haircut in any way to t...

Washington DC: President Obama had his physical this week. The doctor indicated that the president was in good health, but has to reduce his bad cholesterol and stop smoking.
The president blamed the high cholesterol on the fact that "I now have m...

Kissmequick FL: The Sidney Organization had plans to build a new adult only theme park adjacent to an existing facility in Florida. Then rumors began to circulate, property values and building costs skyrocketed, making a new park too expensive.
Li...

Katie Price aka Jordan was cock a hoop last night as she struck a six figure deal with an international publisher for the exclusive rights to publish details of an interview with Peter Andre and Alex Reid - to be conducted in the same room.
It rem...

India: For the last 150 years there have been reports of a jungle boy named SuBo wandering the jungles/plains in India riding Tigers and Elephants.
Dr. Peter Feathersham departed London England in 1900 via a steamship bound for India to find if th...

Forget Brangelina, Hollywood's new kids on the block Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been earmarked by Janus Film Productions Inc to star in yet another pointless remake.
Janus Films is hoping to start production of a pointless remake of...

The Earth's warming and consequent melting of glaciers high atop the Swiss Alps has led to huge amounts of prehistoric junk being exposed.
Once thought to be pristine in their natural beauty, the previously snow covered mountains are now being re...

The billionaire Tory Deputy Chairman Lord Ashcroft, one of the Party's top donors has been keeping a mysteriously low profile following revelations that he struck a deal with the previous Conservative government regarding tax avoidance as a result of...

Police have issued a statement today that they have already prepared ASBO's to slap on crazed American Subo fans when they next arrive in the UK. The riot squad is busy training for their arrival in the event that they are called to duty.
Police...

Alarming news surfaced last night regarding Spoof writer Skoob1999 as those close to him expressed grave concerns for his wellness. (Wellness? More corporate BS)
The Spoof writer, never renowned for being particularly funny is said to be slowly di...

The tree on the corner of Sycamore Avenue and Birch Grove was officially named 'Son Of A Beech' yesterday in a ribbon cutting ceremony by councillor Vincent Wayward.
The forty year old beech tree, believed to be the son of another beech tree follo...

A UK based satirist today emerged from a mental institution after becoming totally disorientated whilst using a website where nothing is quite what it appears to be, where trees fall down and the pope doesn't hear them, and where nobody seems to know...

Londoner Sid Kent last night revealed how he went 'up the arse' twice in as many days with his wife's blessing.
Going 'up the arse' is a soccer fan's way of saying that they have visited The Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal Football Club - hence...