10/11/2013

Family Research Council: Herbert Hoover Was Right and God Hates Obamacare

Family Research Council: Herbert Hoover Was Right and God Hates Obamacare:
In this week's missive from the bugfuck insane Family Research Council (motto: "Our lips are chapped from sucking Ted Cruz's dick"), we members of the Super-Duper Prayer Team were treated to a history lesson. The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team years ago under a secret nom de rude, and each and every Wednesday, he receives his orders of Shit What Needs Prayin' On. It's a service and a blessing, you know.

Before gettin' to the intense prayitus, the FRC gives us a long-ass quote about how evil socialism will make evil things happen because evil: "Some of the corrosions of our division of power... come from various infections of socialism...In the Iron Curtain states, it was socialist intellectuals who weakened the freedom of men by destroying free enterprise." Who is this prophet who saw that vile places like Sweden and Denmark would eventually crumble into ruin, as they so obviously have? Why, it was Herbert Hoover, still pissed off at FDR, speaking in 1954. It's amazingly wise, if you ignore that taking economic advice from Herbert Hoover is like taking child care advice from Brian David Mitchell.

But then we get to the prayin'. This time, it's all about the debt and that Obamacare that is going to suck out your eyes and skullfuck you in front of your children, screaming at them, "This is your future." The FRC explains to the SDPT, "Scripture has much to say about money, stewardship and debt - individual and national. America cannot borrow and spend itself into prosperity. Coupled with our rush to socialism, we face ruin on our current course. Only God's mercy and our repentance, citizen action and strong, godly leadership can turn the tide."

Whatever can we do? Pray, bitches, pray. "Pray that the American people will wake up and demand that their Senators defer implementation of Obamacare and find a responsible compromise on the continuing resolution and debt ceiling," we're told, and God probably has the time to listen, since he's apparently abandoned any pretext of helping out in Syria or Bangladesh and just doesn't give a holy fuck about the cyclone about to rip up India. One can imagine God sitting on his toilet, hearing the prayer and thinking, "Sure, let's prevent poor people from getting health care for at least a year. Just to fuck up Barack Obama's day" before wiping his ass with torn angel wings.

As always, we are given verses from the Good Book to support our prayifyin'. This time, it's a badass section of Proverbs, Book 1:10-16, which says, in part, "My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not./ If they say, 'Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause:/Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit...'/ My son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path:/ For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood." Fuckin' A, man.

And what is better for teaching people not to give in to peer pressure than imploring them to join in a group prayer or face the wrath of an invisible sky wizard?