9 Dark Resolutions for Writers

So what if the other resolutions for yesterday didn’t do it for you? What if you are already a writer, and a jaded one at that? What if your resolutions are about the underbelly of the writer life, the darker, grittier side not often talked about?

Drink More. There’s a stereotype about writers that involves alcohol. Live the dream. Drink! Not beer, no, that’s for people who watch football. It’s gotta be the hard stuff. Hard Core Goal: Be done with writing by noon, be drunk by 2 (Thanks, Hemmingway!).

Play More Games. Want time to go by fast? Play games. It’s easy to kill an hour or three, even on something simple like Candy Crush or Angry Birds. What, it’s already lunchtime? Hard Core Goal: Get in at least eight hours of play.

Watch More Movies. Oh man, is there a lot of good movies out now or what? Superheroes, Star Wars, other shit… seriously, you can spare at least 4 to 6 hours a day for a movie fix. At the very least, watch one a day. Hard Core Goal: Movie marathon a trilogy every week.

Watch More TV. Thanks Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix! So many shows, so little time. There’s only one way to get through your fantastic shows, and it involves a tub of licorice, a fresh pot of coffee, the remote, and a recliner. Hard Core Goal: Dedicate an entire day to binge watch a season of a show, especially when a new season is released.

Get a lot More Sleep. Sleep’s good for you. If it’s so good for you, get more. Sleep until noon. Or 1! One is a nice moment on the clock! That is definitely a good time to get up. Hard Core Goal: Balance getting up late with going to bed late. Going t bed early is for quitters.

Spend More Time on the Internet. Right now, there is a cat video you haven’t seen, and you have dedicated followers that need you to share it! It’s funny, dammit!!!! And the memes… ohhhh the memes! Like and share! There’s Facebook! Porn! All of your movies and shows! Games! Writing posts is still writing, as are the emails. Hard Core Goal: Go at least three days a week without leaving your house. There’s nothing out there you need anyway.

Seek Revenge! Somebody make you mad? Did they leave you a bad review? Write them into your next story… and kill them! Laugh diabolically as you watch your nemesis perish horribly through the power of your written word. Change their name and give them a nasty trait so they won’t willingly admit it’s them in the story and sue you. Hard Core Goal: Sell them a copy of the book.

Let Others Know How Much they Suck! Because you’re a writer. You’ve got Social Media. OBVIOUSLY everyone cares about your opinion, and OBVIOUSLY it’s your duty to be a troll. Bash other people’s politics, tear down their religion, bash their music and movies. You have power to abuse. Hard Core Goal: Get a t-shirt with the word troll on it.