How to wear clothes

Is your life one long music video, wall-to-wall with toned midriff and sparkling with gleaming, white teeth? Does every day fly past in a breathy montage of bottom wiggles and high ponytails? No, mine neither. But judging by some clothes this summer, the so-called MTV generation is taking its tag very seriously.

Half the clothes on Oxford Street look as if they've come from a Top Of The Pops end-of-season sale. There are tight string vests in fluoro colours and cropped tracksuit bottoms in satin. The brash colours, shiny fabric and 1980s styling make these essential items for video babes, in a sporty-but-cute, sexy-but-wholesome, Holly Valance way. But for the rest of us, who (thankfully) don't have cameras trained on our backsides all day? When are we supposed to wear this stuff? And, more importantly, why would we want to, anyway?

In the office you'd look ridiculous, in a restaurant foolish; in the supermarket you'd look garish, in the gym plain overdressed. With the faux-casual look that is designed to be caught on camera, you'd fit right in if you were walking up Sunset Boulevard with a skinny latte, but you'd be in unsalubrious company. Take Geri Halliwell: rarely a day goes by when she is not, ahem, "caught unawares", nipping out in her Flashdance-wannabe yoga gear. Clearly, she's dressed for the cameras - I'm surprised the paparazzi don't have a restraining order on her.

The appeal of the video babe outfit is that, in the era of the zero attention span, you have to dress bright, tight and bouncy if you want to get on. It's the sartorial equivalent of speaking in soundbites. But, frankly, if you're not a pop star, why bother? Whatever the downsides of your job, at least you don't have to wear lime satin tracksuit bottoms in public.