“As similar as this basketball arena may appear to your apartment, they are not, in fact, the same place. For further evidence, please ask yourself the following question: Does my apartment typically contain 20,000 complete strangers? If the answer is “No,” then you are in a public arena. You should not be watching porn.”

Roxie has some questions. Meanwhile, I recently flew to and from a distant city, and on one of the legs of the journey, the dood sitting next to me was watching porn. Really racist porn, it appeared to be, attempting to heavily erotizice several demeaning sterotypes. And he was jiggling his legs a lot.

At a certain point I tapped him on the shoulder and said, “She doesn’t look like she is enjoying that very much.” He shot me a dirty look but he also closed his laptop. Which he placed on his lap over the lump in his pants, which was having some kind of wrestling match with his seat belt. And then his whole body rose, and he went and spent extensive personal time in the lavatory, which was the only lav in the entire plane. Thus putting the “jerk” in jerk off.