Sunday, June 5, 2016

Hillary War Room: There's No Business Like My Business

BILL CLINTON: Where is she?

HUMA ABEDIN: In the bathroom, spouse of She Who Must Be
Obeyed. BILL: [knocking] Darlin', you gotta face the media soon or . . .

HILLARY: Enough! Schedule the damn thing tomorrow if that makes you happy, but it happens on my terms: only in-the-tank media are accredited to attend; I'll open with a twenty minute diatribe on Trump's lack of presidential decorum; first question I don't like, I'll have a coughing fit and leave.

Huma! I'm done. Come wipe me.

HUMA: Yes'm.

[shortly]HILLARY: Much better. Now order my breakfast:
coffee, grapefruit, triple cheese and mushroom omelet, two sides of sausage, grits, home
fries, toast. HUMA: [writing] . . . and toast.
White, Empress?HILLARY: Where is your head, girl? I'm already considered a white-bread candidate. Someone in the kitchen hears you referring to me as the "White Empress," I lose 20% of the Black vote. Then I'mtoast. Make
it pumpernickel.

HUMA: Forgive me, Sensei. HILLARY: [yelling] Mook!![campaign manager enters, genuflects]
Rise, sirrah. I'll be peddling
influence on the phone while I nosh. Verify with mobile security that my eggs will go
out scrambled. HUMA: I thought you liked them "over easy," your Grace.HILLARY: Good grief, now I'm all confused. BILL: Uh, Honey. Listen, I been ponderin' the economy. First thing I'm gonna do
when we're in is use our Hollywood connections to help unemployed young starlets get their foot in my drawers--I mean, their foot
in the door.HILLARY: I know what you meant. You botched
the Polish vote with those insults the other day, so start packing for a new
assignment.BILL: Head to Europe to mend fences?HILLARY: No. Back to Chappaqua. Lock yourself in and wait for my summons.
Go. [Bill exits]
MOOK: Your food is here, Excellency. I taste-tested everything.HILLARY: Stay right there where I can see you. [watches Mook warily as she eats] HUMA: Attorney General Lynch is on line 3, Goddess. HILLARY: [picks up] Hi Loretta. "Power to the People" right back atcha. [listens] Oh, wonderful! I'll send Mills by right now. [forced laugh] Ah ha ha ha. Yes [chanting],"Eight more years! Eight more years!"
[hangs up] Blech. Cheryl!MILLS: Here, my Queen.HILLARY: Run over to the DOJ and pick up yesterday's grand jury
transcript. The AG will also give you the jurors' dossiers. Drop those off for
analysis at Research and Destroy. MOOK: I've informed staff and media of the extended
exclusion zone around your person, Anointed One. They know the protocols when in your presence: bow; speak only when
spoken to; avoid eye contact; don’t look at her legs. And the Secret Service will extend your privacy bubble out to 50 yards at campaign events.

HILLARY: Good.

[singing softly from Evita score] Don't get too close, all you peons;
The truth is, I've never loved you,
I've just been using you
Because you need me
To bolster welfare and mess with health care.
I'll keep my promise;
You keep your distance.MOOK: M'Lady, regarding something you said a moment ago: you're not "peddling influence" if you state up front remuneration for your efforts would be unnecessary but appreciated. No more 250K speaking gigs, sure, but you can charge for access absent a clearly stated quid pro quo. HILLARY: Makes sense. Reach out to
my lick-spittle attorney, Lanny Davis, and tell him I want a fee structure for
short, medium, and long conversations. [ Mook leaves]You, sir, Secret Agent man. Approach me. You are Jones, the
head of my detail?AGENT: I'm Smith, ma'am.HILLARY: Whatever. Your family--they are well?AGENT: All dead in last night's air crash outside Dulles, ma'am. Their plane ran out of fuel as
it circled, waiting for you to debark your campaign jet and clear the area. HILLARY: Ah, yes, my on-board pedicure ran long.
How sad for you. Huma, find a promo code and send a wreath in my name to the
funeral home.Agent Smith, you and your team are pledged to shield me
from harm. Correct?AGENT: That's right, ma'am. HILLARY: On my calendar next week is an interview with
FBI investigators. They are likely to ask questions that will breach my safe space and cause me emotional distress. If you allow them to poseinterrogatories,
I will hold my breath until I expire. AGENT: Ah, I can't . . .

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Author Bio

Steve Grammatico was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut, and taught language skills in a New York City alternative school for troubled Utes. When the federal government defunded the program in 1994, the Utes returned to their ancestral homeland outside Salt Lake City, and Steve launched a career as a leg shark and loan-breaker for dyslexic mobsters. He considers Paul Krugman the best political humorist writing today.

In his spare time, Steve avoids watching The View and pursues an interest in Biblical archaeology. During his last trip to the Holy Land, Steve discovered ancient scrolls suggesting that before God rested on the Seventh Day, He decided to give mankind the gift of laughter, and so He created liberals.

Asked recently to describe a heartwarming memory from his time in teaching, Steve responded,

"One day I arrived at school to find that one of our juvenile delinquents had carved into the front door the words, 'Screw you!' Five years later the wiseass was long gone but his message lived on, greeting me every day as I arrived at work. Appeals to remove the offensive admonition were ignored.

"It took a while, but I finally hit on a solution. I came in early one morning, and with my trusty box cutter added 'th' to the word 'you.'

"Next day I arrived to find the door sanded and painted, the imprecation totally erased. If only I'd known earlier what it would take to move administrators to action."