A few egregiously irresponsible things to get drunk and do on St. Patrick's Day

It's St. Patrick's Day today, and we all know what that means: If you haven't started drinking by now, you're doing it wrong. We also know that there's nothing like unbridled day drinking to provide the lubrication for actions you will later regret -- and as far as making bad decisions go (at least if you're anything like us), you're probably not going to need any extra help beyond old Jameson. Nevertheless, just in case you need a little nudge in the completely wrong direction, we've got you covered. Here are a few terrible suggestions for egregiously irresponsible things to do on St. Patrick's Day:

Tackle short people and try to make them grant you wishes.

Urinate on every green thing you see.

Make the following joke: "Heard about the shit in Libya? Well, at least they don't have any tsunami-triggered nuclear fallout to deal with! That's right, I'm talking about YOU, Japan! Hay-o!"

Try to become the Foursquare mayor of the Denver city jail.

Operate a motor vehicle.

Have a manic episode and do a series of nationally televised interviews. Make sure to call your former employer a contaminated little maggot and insist that you have tiger blood. Then give yourself alcohol poisoning. Dying is for fools.

Paint yourself green -- using permanent marker.

Draw questionable conclusions using unsubstantiated statistics and non-peer-reviewed studies to support them. That's right, we're going off the fucking hook over here.

Take your dog for a walk. Let him crap all over the place.

Wear a "Fuck me, I'm Irish" shirt to your office job

Obtain one Lucky Charms tattoo.

Buy "The Town" on Blu-ray.

Spray-paint festive shamrocks on your girlfriend's car and then ask her to drive you to bars.