Saturday, March 8, 2014

Is This Man The Best Fake Amazon Reviewer in America?

James Otis Thach is a children's books author and compulsive writer of fake Amazon reviews. He is taking the art form of writing fake Amazon reviews and turning it into... well, into an art form.

People get a bad rap for posting fake reviews on Amazon. Glowingly positive fake reviews make it hard for us to know whether the product is actually good or bad. Which undermines the whole Amazon honor system. Or whatever.

Personally, I think fake Amazon reviews are a good thing.

The master of the fake Amazon review appears to be a man named James Otis Thach, a children's book author who lives in Los Angeles. Thach may well be one of the funniest writers working in America today. The fact that he chooses Amazon.com as his venue says something about the modern world, but I'm not sure what.Ready for a taste?

My wife and I bought this after selling our
daughter Amanda into white slavery. We actually got a refurbished.
It's missing the remote, but oh well-- for $10K off, I can afford a
universal, right? The picture is amazing. I've never seen the world
with such clarity.

Amanda, if you're reading this, hang in there, honey! We'll see you in a year.

*****

I
just wanted to add an addendum to my review. Since posting it, we have
received a flood of responses. People have said some pretty hurtful
things--even questioning our values. Let me assure you, this was not an
easy decision to make, and we made it as a family. Obviously, it's very
personal. But in light of all the second-guessing, I wanted to explain
our thinking.

First and foremost, screen size. I really think you
can't go too big. 85" may seem huge, but you get used to it fast.
Second, resolution. Is 4K overkill? Please, that's what they said about
1080P! More dots = better. Period. And as far as this being a $40,000
"dumb" TV, people need to re-read my initial post: WE BOUGHT IT
REFURBISHED. It was only $30,000.

Some of you may think I'm
avoiding the "elephant in the room"-the real reason why this was such a
heart-wrenching choice. So let's just get it out there. Yes, the 120 Hz
refresh rate is a disappointment, especially on a 4K. But life is full
of compromises. And frankly, we hardly notice. All in all, no regrets.

P.S.,
as for our daughter, NO ONE has the right to question our parenting.
Totally out of bounds. Amanda was going into 7th grade, so it was going
to be a transitional year anyway. Now she gets to see the world. How
many kids her age get to go to Bahrain? I sure as heck didn't, but you
don't hear me screaming "child abuse." Bottom line: MYOB! Seriously.* * *Here is his review of the Montegrappa Sylvester Stallone Chaos Limited Edition Fountain Pen -Xtra Fine, a $5,770 pen.

Do you appreciate fine craftsmanship? Then you'll understand the unique
appeal of the Montegrappa Chaos pen. International tastemaker
Sylvester Stallone has plumbed the depths of his creative imagination,
and the inevitable result is Chaos.

The visionary genius behind
such varied works as Rocky I-V, Rambo I-IV, and Rhinestone, Mr. Stallone
has once again redrawn the map of the possible by mind-crafting this
exquisite writing instrument. It may look like something you picked up
at a Tijuana border crossing, but don't let its junky appearance fool
you. Once visitors to your executive office or Miami narco-mansion
recognize it as the handiwork of Stallone, all questions of taste will
evaporate.

The body is fashioned from "black pearlized
celluloid", quite possibly the world's fanciest way of saying "plastic."
Inlaid with 18K gold and featuring swords, skulls, and snakes, the
Nazi pirate design perfectly symbolizes the chaotic violence of Mr.
Stallone's penmanship. Feel it lurch to life in your hand. This is a
pen that begs to be written with, even if you have nothing to say. And
when there are no more words, its patented "squip" feature will launch a
burst of ink from the skull, creating the splatter pattern that has
been Sly's signature since First Blood.

If you're one who writes
til your fingers bleed, the jagged exterior of the Chaos pen will cut
your writing time in half. But even if you can barely sign your own
name, this pen will communicate volumes--about your finances, your
relationships, and your basic mental equilibrium. In a word, Chaos.
* * *One more, shall we? Here's his review of theUniversal Duraflex Saleen Wing Trunk Lid Spoiler, a $268 race-car type spoiler to put on the trunk of your car.

An old Toyota Tercel tricked out with the hot rod Universal Spoiler.

Spoiler Alert

At O.G. Financial, we specialize in investment strategies for the
indigent. Stocks and bonds? B!#ch, please. Never invest in bonds.
People skip out on those all the time. We advocate a diversified
portfolio of athletic footwear, automotive accessories and lotto
tickets.

Here's a five-star opportunity to put your money out of
work: a whale tale for the back of your car. For a fraction of the cost
of home ownership, you can make your '94 Civic look like an exotic
sports car. That's a value proposition any fool can see. Add a
modified carburetor, and that angry-lawnmower growl will tell the world
what you already know: player, you've arrived.

Yes, they do! There is a small percentage of Argentina that speaks American. However, the overwhelming population is monolingual in Argentinian. Many speak Chilean, but it is a dying fad. In recent years, legislators have tried to make Spanish the official language of the country, but their attempts have largely failed due to foreign ignorance of the issues.