A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers?

A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb… to his.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?

A: Just say “Fees!”

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?

A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?

A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: “Your honor.”

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?

A: It means that after you pay his bill, it’s financially hard to get back on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?

A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?

A: In the cemetery.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?

A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?’

A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?

A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

A command was given to a dog: “SPEAK!”
The dog said in return: “Not without my lawyer present!”

Blonde Finally Wins

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains” I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500!.” Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

I Have To Sleep With What?

Chicago sent its police chief, fire chief, and city attorney to a municipal management conference in Indiana. While driving through a rural area, their car broke down, and they sought assistance at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer told them that the local garage was closed, and that they were welcome to spend the night, but that he only had one spare bed. He told them that somebody could sleep on his couch, but that one of them would have to spend the night in his barn.
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The police chief announced that he would volunteer to sleep in the barn. A short time later there was a knock at the door. It was the police chief, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, and they reminded him of insults that had been yelled at him, and he was too disturbed to sleep.

The fire chief stated that he would trade with the police chief, and went out to the barn. A short time later, again there was rapping at the door. It was the fire chief, who complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow, that started the great Chicago fire. He had tried to sleep, but kept having nightmares where they were kicking over lanterns and setting the barn ablaze.

The city attorney declared, “You two are such babies. I will go sleep in the barn.” Everything seemed fine, until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, they found the very indignant cows and pigs.

The Rabbit And Snake

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”

Two Questions

“You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?”

“Absolutely! What’s the second question?”

Deer Tracks

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.

The first lawyer announced, “Those are deer tracks. It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.”

The second lawyer responded,”Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.”

Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.