Trying to erase NPD from my memory (and my email)

I have a dilemma. I hang on to all my emails, and I have recently have had a nagging feeling to go back through my last exchanges with my NPD friend (who I've been in NC with for over a year) and re-read them, then delete them.

Basically I want to delete them either way, as I have gotten rid of every other trace of her in my home and my life. But I am torn between reading them or not reading them. Is my urge to read them so I can have closure? Would it increase my confidence that I didn't deserve her lashing out at me? Or is it just my obsessive thinking, and it would be healthier for me to just delete them?

My memory of what was said exactly is a little foggy since it's been so long. I feel like I'm coming a long way in therapy and maybe re-reading them would reveal even more clarity to me that this person isn't good for me. But I also don't want to feel upset by it and obsess over it.

Just wondering what other people do with situations like this... or am I the only one who pours over these seemingly insignificant things...

I could create a filter for them to go into a folder. I would probably eventually just delete the folder though.

I guess to me it's trying to figure out, if I read them, if there will be something in them that will help me have resolution andbe more at peace with the friendship ending. Or if it will just upset me and take up too much room in my head.

I feel like I need to let go of them, but is it indulging in my anger to read them over first?

I am in a similar situation and facing the same questioning. Finally, I believe that I can trust more and more myself and that there was a reason to end this friendship. I keep the emails in which the toxic communication was evident. In case I fall back.

If you do not want to see those emails on your computer, you can create a new email data file to store all your NPD's emails. It is a separate file from the one you are using now. Then backup data to a CD/DVD and after that you can delete it from your computer. You can put this CD and other things which trigger you in a box. This is what I do.

You do not have to delete her email messages permanently if you think it will be of help sometime in the future (not now) to see her overt and covert abuse and red flags. Besides, if your PD friend has told a big lie about you to your mutual friends, then maybe some of those texts /emails could be of help (e.g. as a proof so your mutual friends can see her for who she is).

I think actually maybe putting them in a folder is a good idea. I never thought about holding on to them in case I ever have anything come up with mutual friends. My first instinct is always to throw things away and get them the hell out of my realm, but as I try to keep my other relationships with those people centered and strong despite her, it might be good to have in case it ever comes up.

If i do read them I think I just need to be stronger than I feel right now. I don't want to give it too much time or attention in my day.

I began communicating nearly entirely by written communication only once I realized that uNBPDmil was twisting my words into lies and spreading them. That was with written communication, too! At least I could hold onto the actual words I spoke for future reference. I now keep everything. It immediately goes into a special folder so that I don't have to see it or be triggered by it, but at least I have documentation of our actual communication with each other.

Update: I ended up quickly reading through a few of the emails to satisfy my curiousity.

I didn't say anything insulting in them and was very clear in each one. Her responses were always turning something back on me... projecting things on me that I was not actually thinking or feeling.... I think I will keep them as a reference for myself. Just as a reminder when I feel like I miss her/ feel frustrated.

I was absolutely respectful of her. It's just been nagging at my mind like "maybe I said something she could have misinterpreted" but nope. I was clear as a bell.

I destroyed almost all of my e-mails from a NPD ex-friend and, while it was good riddance to most of them (since they were just junk anyway) a few I wish I'd kept just to remind myself of how cruel his behavior could be. The only one I kept was one I found particularly interesting because it was a copy of some e-mails he'd exchanged with another person. For some reason he sent it to me (well, I know the reason but it's a long story) and I hung onto it as "evidence" as to how he can behave towards people, not just me. While I regret not keeping some of the more interesting e-mails, in all I'm glad I got rid of the majority because keeping them would serve no purpose other than opening old wounds, and I also preferred to just put all of our past behind me. It is no longer relevant to my life so why keep it around? Anything good in them (i.e., reminders of the "good times") would only be spoiled by the knowledge of future events and how those "good times" actually ended up!

Thanks for your input. That's how I feel... like on the one hand I just want everything OUT that is from this person. But I think I will keep the few emails centering around the "final straw" as I call it, just in case I need a reminder of what I said, or at how out of line she was, so that I won't be tempted to reconnect.

I'm sorry about your friend and glad you have moved on from that person. It does feel like a constant old wound for me, mostly, that I put up with so much before shutting the door. I was constantly the "no worries!" girl and am just as done with being that person, as I am of the NPD's behavior!