Florida Friday: Florida teen named "Bamboo Flute" stabbed his dad

According to a report in the Gainesville Times, an 18-year-old named “Bamboo Flute Blanchard” stabbed his 54-year-old father in the chest with a pocket knife Tuesday, because, as he told deputies, he wondered what it would be like to take a life. This must’ve been before a lawyer got a hold of him, because “because he named me ‘Bamboo Flute'” seems like an ironclad defense.

Bamboo Flute Blanchard was in his family home in the 2000 block of Southeast 49th Drive in Gainesville on Tuesday evening when, without warning, he attacked his father, who had been lying down in his bedroom, according to the report.

Sheriff’s deputies and Alachua County Fire Rescue responded to the scene of the stabbing, where they reported learning that Bamboo’s younger brother had been using the knife for another purpose before laying it down on his bed. Blanchard then picked up the knife and gazed at it while stating, “I wonder what it would be like to take a life,” deputies reported.

Blanchard then rubbed the knife on his chest near his heart and said he didn’t think he could “handle it,” the report said.

Blanchard then walked to his father’s bedroom while being trailed by his younger brother and suddenly stabbed his father in the chest, deputies reported.

Alachua County Fire Rescue transported the elder Blanchard to UF Health Shands Hospital, where he told law enforcement he initially thought his son had punched him in the chest but looked down and saw he had been stabbed, according to the report. The father then refused to give a sworn written statement regarding the events.

Bamboo Blanchard also refused to speak to deputies and only grunted during his interview, deputies said.

Communicating only in grunts? Ha, that’s classic Bamboo Flute. Meanwhile, I found what I’m pretty sure is Bamboo’s Facebook page, and lest you think Burnsy’s C-Tates impression isn’t dead-on accurate (C-Tates is from Tampa, not Gainesville, but close enough), here’s a comment from Bamboo:

Ima Fly Every Last One Of my niggas Out Here. Best believe Ya boii Cominn Up in this world !! I miss all My gville shady cats! Represent 352 all Day son !!

…Maybe he was just doing an impression, like Burnsy? Either way, just to be on the safe side…

And if you think I’m unfairly finding dark stories to mock Florida… Just be glad I didn’t use this one. Yeesh.

Indeed. He is saying “boy” but with an “i” like the rapper “Big Boi” from Outkast. Except Bamboo is far too gangster for just one “i”. He must have two.

Overall his message seems to be, “I will be a man of great importance in the near future. I wish for all of my friends to join me in this endeavor. Though I have left my humble beginnings in Gainesville, Florida, I will always represent with much vigor the place which can be found at the area code of 352. all Day son!!” Something like that, anyways.

Good thing this kid never watched any episodes of that 48 Hours show, or whatever it’s called. If he had learned that he just needed to drive to another state and stab some random homeless person in the chest, we would have had a genuine serial killer on our hands. Thankfully he is terrible at his life’s calling.