Arkansas Town Overrun by Poop-Slinging Monkeys

Just when Arkansans thought it was safe to go outdoors after surviving one of the worst bird die-offs in recent history, comes news out of Beebe, Arkansas that hordes of poop-slinging monkeys have been terrorizing whole neighborhoods.

"I just cain't believe it," said May Belle Greebis, a librarian aide who was one of the first residents to suffer a direct hit by some of the flung poo. "We no sooner was gittin' back to normal with the dead birds and all and then we git hit with this."

Greebis' husband, Karl, who works down at the Beebe Used Tractor dealership as a detailer claims that he comes home every night lately pooped cause he's having a hard time keeping up with the mess the monkeys are leaving all over the place.

"I ain't never seen nuthin' like it," claims Karl. "Them monkeys has set themselves up on the office roof and has commenced to slinging they's poop like they's no tamarrah. Big Bill Scruggins, owner of the place has been hit so many times he's 'fraid to even come outdoors when they's a customer on the lot, not that they's been much demand for poop-covered used tractors."

Stories like this are being told all over town. So far, no one has been attacked physically by the monkeys. The Beebe Fire Department first tried coaxing the monkeys down with bananas, but all that did was make the poop smell all tropical and the banana peels thrown on the ground by the monkeys have made an even bigger mess of things. Said Junior Dangle, a life-long resident of Beebe, "It ain't safe comin' out of yur house these days cause if you don't slip on the poop, you're sure as dang hell gonna slip on the peels."

The Beebe City Council is holding emergency meetings this week to try and determine how to deal with the matter. While evacuation is one option, they feel that idea just doesn't float. And, while every resident in town owns at least one gun, it just so happens that the particular monkey species involved, the brown spider monkey, is on the world endangered primates list which makes it a crime to harm the animals.

"Besides," said Dangle, "you ever try shooting at a target when your feet is slippin' in poop?"

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