Twenty Nine Weeks

Today I am 29 weeks pregnant. It’s the longest I’ve ever carried a baby. Every day past today will add on to that. Seems like a funny thing to say, but when you give birth prematurely, these extra days are meaningful.

Mike and I have had yesterday and today circled on the calendar since June. We knew they would be days that could potentially be difficult. And they were.

All day yesterday, Mike and I kept flashing back to the 202nd day of Madeline’s pregnancy. Her last day “inside.” It’s hard to believe that Maddie’s pregnancy ended at this point, that her life outside my body had already started. Especially when I know how NOT ready Binky is to come out right now. It makes me so sad for Madeline. She wasn’t ready, either.

It’s not to say that I’m not so happy that Binky is still cooking. Every day beyond this last Saturday takes her further away from the rough start her older sister had. There are a bunch of doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals working tirelessly to help give Binky the chance Madeline didn’t.

It’s bittersweet. Now that I know it’s possible for my body to go this far in a pregnancy, I haven’t been able to stop wishing things were different, wishing I’d had this level of care during Madeline’s gestation. Wishing Madeline could have benefited.

101 Comments

I am THRILLED for you and so sad at the same time. I get it, I really do.

I think I will always wonder if something medically could have been done for Bug but I have Aaron now. It is very bittersweet but most moments and days the sweet wins.

Go, binky. You stay in there as long as you can!!! (Well, ya know…not as long as the gestation of an elephant or anything, but much much longer then this, ok?)
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Gentlemen, you are on notice. =-.

Whoo, how hard will this be for you? I sent you an email saying you looked so well, and you do, you look radiant, blooming, like every expectant mother should. But always there will be a tinge of sadness, rising to a complete tsunami that threatens to know you sideways at anytime.

I wish I knew the right words to type to you, I wish I could take some of the hurt off your chest, just for a minute to let you all breathe free for a while. But I can’t. Nothing anyone can say or do can bring your beautiful girl back, all we can do is rejoice she was here at all, and that because of the rough and bumpy start she had, she is now giving you the best, the best chance for Binky. Maddie was sent here for a bigger and better reason than we will ever know.

Doesn’t make it any easier, and it won’t make it any easier. You will take your wishes and your ‘whys?’ to your graves, leaving a list of un-answered questions as you fumble through. But I love that Binky will always have an older sister, and that so many people around the world have come on this journey with you through your eloquent blog; that we can all cheer you on, pray for you, send you cyber hugs and love, and keep our legs crossed to hold Binky inside you for as long we all collectively can.

Jenn says:

I’ve been thinking of you all weekend as I knew you were coming up on your 29th week. I’m so happy you have made it this far with Binky but, I continue to mourn the lose of Maddie as well as the fact Maddie did not get the same opportunities to develop and grow to her full potential. It is bitter/sweet indeed Heather and I for one am so sad it is.

Now, like you, we will caustiously sit and wait with eyes wild shut, wishing, hoping, praying for the BEST possible outcome there is for your baby. We continue to be there for you and Mike Heather, I hope you can feel our virtual arms wraped around you with unwavering support and unconditional friendship. I hope you truly know how much each of us wishes we could give you Maddie back and keep baby exactly where she should be for the next 10 weeks or so.

One day at a time my friend. One day at a time….togeher we will do everything we can to help get you through this!

A friend of mine also gave birth to a 29-weeker from her first pregnancy (also due to an at the time undiagnosed clotting disorder) and then via C-section a full-termer from her second, also because for the second she had the benefit of knowing about the clotting disorder and because she received high-risk care the second time around. I’ve known her for almost 6 years now – her first stayed at my house the day her second was delivered – and it was your words today that made me think for the first time how bittersweet her second pregnancy must have been some days.

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure it helps people who are walking the same road, but it’s also helping some of us out here who didn’t walk it be better friends to those who did. Thanks.

Melissa Jenkin says:

29 weeks is an achievement, I started reading your blog a year ago,and your writing really moved me to comment. 3 weeks ago I had a beautiful little baby girl Petal who was born too soon at 21 weeks. My heart aches everyday for her and I would never even dare to compare the pain/ anxiety to what you must be feeling.
love and hope to you and Mike

I can totally understand how bittersweet this must feel. Because you know so much more now, you know how much STRENGTH and FIGHT Maddie had in her – how strong and vibrant she was – and still is to so many of us – and how strong Binky will be, just because of the fact that she is Maddie’s sister, and your daughter.

missy says:

Erica says:

Dear sweet Heather,
Thinking of you, Mike, the special Binky Bean and the precious World Famous Madeline today like every day. You all continue to be in my thoughts from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep at night. I continue to be in such awe of you and Mike as parents, you continue to be such an inspiration to me with your courage and strength.
Sending you lots of love
Erica

Congrats on reaching that milestone. I know it won’t suddenly mean that you will be able to relax, but I hope that it brings even a teeny tiny measure of peace that things are going so much more smoothly this time around. You made it =)

It is so awful that Maddie didn’t get this level of care, and such a great chance as what Binky has. On the upside, it’s amazingly wonderful that Binky doesn’t share the same level of risk that her beautiful big sister had.

I’m absolutely rapt for you that Binky is doing so well. I’m still heartbroken that Maddie isn’t here to help make this so much more joyful. I believe that she is with you, I’m just so sorry that you don’t have her in your arms, kissing your belly, doing everything that an excited big-sister-in-waiting would be doing.

Big, big hugs to you all. You’re amazing. Wishing you another 8-10 good weeks of pregnancy before you finally get to meet the next chapter of your life =)
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Bouncy bouncy =-.

My daughter, Maggie, was born at 27 weeks and I completely understand the feeling of never having experienced a traditional pregnancy. Maggie had a very rough start, she was 1 pound, 6 ounces at birth and stayed in the NICU for 3+ months. She will be 1 year old on January 1st and is now beginning to crawl!
I’ve been reading your blog since just after Maggie was born. You helped me through some rough times while she was in the hospital. I just wanted to finally say hello and that I’m both sad and happy for you both. Please know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts as you finish out these last weeks of what will surely be a full and healthy pregnancy.
Thank you for sharing your life with me. It has truly helped.

I so, so get this. My daughter was born at 28 weeks. My second pregnancy was both joyful and chock full of I’ll-believe-it-will-work-when-I-see-it mentality. When I delivered our son at 37 weeks by scheduled csection, I sobbed. Tears of joy, of course, but also tears of what could have been if my daughter had gone to term. And while I am blessed to have two healthy children, I know now to take nothing for granted.
I am amazed at your strength, and I pray for you every day. Thank you for sharing this journey with us.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..High Hopes =-.

wishing for you to feel how loved you and your family and your precious children are by so many. congrats on reaching week 29 and may there be many more… lots and lots of good, positive, healing vibes to you.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..“Rate that bottle” GIVEAWAY!!! =-.

tina says:

I have been thinking of you a lot. So happy that you made it to 29 weeks, so so happy. I can only imagine how terribly bittersweet this milestone is for you. Life just isn’t right without the beautiful Maddie here. Sending you love and strength my friend. Love you Wheels.

whew. i’m sure that this feels like it just gave you another chance to breathe a bit more deeply. it feels nothing short of amazing when you bypass these scary milestones.
but you did. even though it doesn’t always feel like it made it any easier.
i like to think that with as much knowledge as you all have now surrounding the whys of maddie’s premature birth … this little one has the potential of staying put for quite some time still.
i’m hoping for that … for all of you.
(and i had no idea how close we were pregnancy wise. everytime that i complain about how much longer i have to go … i’m going to use maddie as my inspiration to keep going. tell her thanks for me.)
.-= jen´s last blog ..can i just mention the fact that i just realized that 2 months is actually equivalent to 8 WEEKS? =-.

I don’t want to seem rude or insensitive, but is it easier now? I mean the stress and worry of the pregnancy…do you feel like you can breath a little better? I am 20 wks with baby 2 and will hit 27 wks 6 days (when my daughter was born) the day after her birthday (my due dates are only 2 yrs and a day off). I feel like I have been walking on eggshells and holding my breath for the last 16 weeks and am dreading that 27 wks 6 days mark (which I will hit in 7wks & 1 day).

I know the feeling of wishing things could have been different for your baby. I am so glad that Binky has remained safe and sound in your uterus this long and hope she has another 9 weeks of safety!
.-= Lindsay´s last blog ..Snow! =-.

suzanne says:

I wish Maddie had been able to stay in longer too. So, so much. The what-ifs are huge. But I know that you are doing, and have done, everything you possibly could and more. Sending love to all five of you.

Congratulations on hitting this milestone! Yay for Binky! Every extra day is a gift for her.

I’m not a “religious” person, but I’ve frequently heard spiritual people say things like, “Every person is put here for a reason, no matter how brief their stay.” I can’t help but think that, as heartbreaking as it is, Maddie was put here to help her sister. Does that make sense? Your pregnancy and Maddie’s life taught the doctors certain things….and gave them the tools they need to help Binky.

I don’t know if that makes sense and I’m quite certain it doesn’t ease your pain, but maybe it’s just one way of looking at the situation.

Many hugs to you all. I’m crossing my fingers that you get many more days of “cooking” with Binky!

Kristen McD says:

Mary says:

Maddie did just what an older sister does for her little sister, she helped look out for her. I can’t truly imagine how your emotions must be going right now; I can only compare it to my mix of grief and joy at the same time while holding our new baby and knowing that my husband was dying. He passed away two weeks after she was born and the mix of sadness and happiness was a real roller coaster. What I am beginning to come to grips with is this: What has happened cannot be undone. No amount of beating myself up and thinking I could have done something differently will change it. But the baby…the baby is here and is the now. Having said that, I also know that all of that “acceptance” if it can be called that, is on a person’s own time. There is no schedule for any of it and no one can tell you when things “should” be better. But Binky is still cooking and that’s FANTASTIC news! And we’re all supporting you and your family through the rest of this journey as much as we can. I wish you all the love and support in the world (and hope that doesn’t sound creepy since I’m not an IRL friend. )

So happy for you, Mike and Binky. Hope she keeps growing strong and so pretty like her sister. It is so unfair that Maddie didn’t get more time in your belly too. Love from Atlanta to your family.
.-= Anne DiNapoli´s last blog ..Disappointed =-.

Marnie says:

eliza says:

I’ve been waiting and waiting for this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so glad you’re there. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every little milestone, every little milestone…

And I’m so sorry that the what ifs are so relentless. It must be strange having had a baby at that point and knowing just how big/little Binky is and what she’d look like if born now, that she’s a whole little person in there. I know it breaks your heart. So unfair. But I know it also makes you cherish every day and minute of your pregnancy.

Lindsay from Florida says:

I am fiercely protective of my little sisters. They think it’s one of the best things about having a big sister. Maddie has protected Binky in a way that most big sisters can never rival: she has literally given her the best chance at a healthy life. And, because she is yours, I have no doubt that Binky is going to live an AMAZING one.

It absolutely should be different. So, so different. But I hope this thought gives you the tiniest ounce of comfort, if only for a moment … I’m sure it will give that to Binky one day.

dawn says:

Binky will be strong because of Maddie. I am so happy for you and Mike that this day has come and gone. Every day is a blessing. Take care of yourself and your little baby girl.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Let the Christmas Music Play =-.

Praise God for the 29 week mark! I’m so glad that Binky is staying put in there and I hope she stays put for at least 8 more weeks!
It’s not fair that Madeline couldn’t have benefited from that care as well. But, she saved her baby sister’s life. And that is something you, Mike and Binky will be forever grateful for, even though that miracle happened under the most horrible of circumstances. Maddy’s death was not in vain for so many reasons, and Binky’s life is at the top of that list. Madeline is an angel. {{{hugs}}}
.-= Tara.´s last blog ..i ? faces- we ? tooshies! =-.

Heather & Mike –
I still think of you both as well as Maddie & Binky often. I understand how bittersweet the milestone is – you will never understand how sorry I am that you are having to deal with – I hate that ANYONE has to deal with it.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Gratitude =-.

I am so happy for you that you have reached that milestone. I also understand how difficult it can be to have such a reminder. You did the best that you knew to do for Madeline and you could do nothing more. This time you know more and are acting upon it. Be blessed that her gentle soul made the way for Binky to not have the same rough beginning and know she is watching out for all of you.

Kim says:

I am wishing you a full term pregnancy with little Binky! I know this is all so bittersweet, and I am sorry for that. But, I am so happy that your second pregnancy is progressing on schedule week after week! Praying, hoping, and wishing every single day from Charleston, SC!

Amy in Oregon says:

Shannon Kieta says:

I bet Little Miss Maddie Moo has a hand in all this too! After all, she is Binky’s gusrdian angel. She wants to give her baby sister what she didn’t get to have. Please stop blaming yourself Heather. None of that was ever your fault. It’s just unfortunate and sucks for Maddie, but Binky will benefit. It seems unfair, but they are both your daughters equally, and you will find, you love them the same, but in different ways.

Deanna says:

I can only imagine how you feel. I had my guys at 26 weeks – this was the longest I had held a pregnancy. How I wish I could’ve held on – for me, for them. I missed out on so much wonderful (& not so wonderful) pregnancy stuff. I really hope you get to experience everything a full-term pregnancy is supposed to be – and a baby who doesn’t have the same preemie issues we’ve delt with. Hang in there…
Heather
.-= Heather Thompson´s last blog ..Baby Girl? =-.

Michelle W says:

Life doesn’t make much sense sometimes and somehow the very thought of a child dying still baffles me as if somehow it shouldn’t be possible. I suppose some might say that is a childish notion but when I see that light emanating from Maddie it seems impossible that it could ever be extinguished Then I remember it hasn’t been extinguished it burns so bright in you, Mike and now Binky too. You speak with such clarity I feel as if I understand, as best I possibly can, what you are experiencing; without experiencing it first hand myself.

My money is on every day bringing another clutch of people behind you murmuring and wishing that your every hope is realized. Wishing I could do more.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Rhythm is a Dancer (or a daughter) =-.

tammy says:

You go Binky!! Just keep in cooking in there!!
Heather, you are such a strong, brave woman and I admire you so much for that!!
Everyday is important to Binky. I betcha’ Maddie is watching over her little sister and being a wonderful guardian angel!!
Prayers and best wishes to all of you!!

Marlena says:

I have just spent the last month or so of my life (as a recent and first time stay at home mom) reading every single post in the archives of your blog! I have laughed with you and Maddie and sobbed for your loss and suffering. I just wanted you to know that I am in awe of your (and your husband’s) parenting skills! I hope so much that I can be the kind of parent to my son that you are to both Maddie and your new baby Binky!

I don’t know how you keep the “what if” game from driving you crazy. I honestly don’t. But I’m so happy for you guys that Binky is still in there & cooking away.

I was thinking, since Binky is going to be a c-section baby & won’t be doing any damage to your girly parts, I hope she comes out as one of those big fat 10-pounders that has to wear 3-month size clothes home from the hospital. That’d be awesome.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..Thanksgiving Recap =-.

suzy says:

i’m so happy that you’ve hit the 29 week mark!! hurray!! having a high risk pregancy is hard enough but with what you and Mike have been through with Maddie, you both are absolute miracles to have the strength to keep going. 12 years ago, i was on bed rest for 8 weeks with my daughter and then 5 months with my son. We were so lucky that they both were born just 5 weeks early but those “what ifs” had already done their damage. I don’t think there is anything us mom’s can do to push those “what ifs” out of our mind, especially when we have experience with them coming true. But soak in all of the love and support that you have from your family and this online “family” that is here to support you too! Maddie is surely looking our for all 3 of you and loving you all the way!

I stop by daily, checking on you, your family and your lives. My heart is always full of emotions, many, many times I leave your site tears in my eyes as the overwhelming sadness for your loss leaves me (a rather overly chatty person) speachless. I don’t comment often for fear of the wrong words, fear that I would inflict you with more pain…that, I could not stand.

But I just have to say “Whoot!” for Binky! And for Momma, you are doing a wonderful job protecting your Binky just as you did a wonderful job of protecting your Maddie. Your daughters are blessed beyond measure to have parents who love them as you do.

Please know you are in our prayers (inculding my 2.5 year olds…she’s seen the videos of Maddie and requests them on a regular basis. She remembers you and from time to time prays for “all the other peoples” in which You are included). and my thoughts
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Christmas GIVEAWAY #1 of 4! Little Eva Charlotte =-.

Love to you all. Impossible not think about what could have been. But so good that Binky is still rockin’ the Mamaspohr house of uterine delight. It’s what she needs, and everything is the better for it. Know we are thinking of all four of you. [wicked witch voice] And your little dog, too.
.-= badassdadblog´s last blog ..when to intervene? =-.

Lauren H. says:

I remember feeling similarly during Bobby and Maya’s pregnancies. Every day longer than my previous ones were bittersweet. And to think that I only got to 27w5d… It’s rough to think about. We are just grateful for that. We just keep hoping for the future.

Karen says:

I’m so happy to read that you’ve met this milestone! I’ve been following your blog for about a year now, but have only recently been able to relate to your fears about prematurity.

I was pregnant with identical twin boys, and went into spontaneous preterm labor at 26 weeks. I gave birth to my boys on November 21st, and because we had no steroids, no preparation.. and they had such a rushed and traumatic birth, we lost our son Parker on the 25th.

Hunter is in a level III NICU and has been stable for his ten days of life. I can’t help but be optimistic, but feel like I’m tempting fate by being TOO hopeful.

The doctors have told me that if we ever have a subsequent pregnancy, I will be monitored even more closely than I was with this one. I was already being seen biweekly to ensure the boys were growing evenly.. and they had no idea this was going to happen. It’s just not fair.

You and Binky are in our thoughts and prayers, and I hope you never have to see the inside of a NICU again.

Al_Pal says:

Awww. So happy that Binky has reached this milestone, so sad that Maddie didn’t get that chance.
I hope being past this tough date can start to bring you some relaxation and rest from the anxiety soon!!!

Hey Heather.. I kind of get it. I’m due with our next kiddo June 26th. I went into the hospital on bedrest at 27w4d and the boys were born exactly 3 weeks later. I have a hard time believing that this time will be any different though I know that doesn’t make sense. This time it’s one baby, last time it was two. It’s not even the same set of circumstances, but still. I’ve had a hard time getting excited about this pregnancy. I think partly because I know that things aren’t always all roses and sunshine. I think another reason is that if I have to go on bedrest again that will take me away from my boys-and I’m so protective of them. At the same time, this will (very) likely be the last baby, and I need to enjoy this last time being pregnant. It’s tough to know what to feel…
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Catching up on Pictures…FINALLY! =-.