Can Dogs Play Keyboards? The Answer May Surprise You

January 13, 2006

BOOM CHICKA BOOM

The future of A&R?

Just when you thought the world couldn’t get any better after the Macbook announcement or this shirt with snakes flying a plane, a crazy German woman starts an animal academy to teach cats and dogs how to play keyboards and farm chickens the xylophone. From Reuters:

Vivane Theby, founder and owner of the "Tierakademie Scheuerhof" in the south-western German town of Wittlich, told Reuters Television that her goal was to show people how to communicate with animals.

“That’s why I teach cats how to play the piano or chickens how to play xylophone. I do something ‘funny’ on purpose, to show people that even this works although it’s always said that you can’t teach a cat.” [see video]

In the last five seconds it’s become quite clear to me that the entirety of Sonic Youth’s Sonic Nurse was recorded by a golden retriever banging its paws into a piano, while five spiders crawled in and out of Thurston Moore’s mouth.

Somehow though none of this shocks me– really this is just the next development of the Crazy Frog phenomenon. Crazy Frog’s rendition of “Axel F,” so you know, ripped through Europe this year, #1 single, #1 ringtone, #1 everything, and all it involved was a cartoon frog, occasionally wearing a scarf or ski cap, singing the theme to Beverly Hills Cop. The advantage of real animals though… I mean, you still have to pay cartoons, sort of, and definitely can’t dress them up in hilarious Halloween costumes, then make them parade around Tompkins Park. The future is coming: Real Crazy Frog. Real Insane Dog. Real Batface Dog.

Notice, the public actually likes animal performers more than real people– can you blame them? Let’s put it this way: You’re a guy who loves spiders. Would you rather hang out with a spider, or hang out with a bunch of your friends at Madison Square Garden, watching a sweet spider concert? Keep in mind, all your friends are spiders.

As more people complain about rising CD prices, as more labels complain about falling profits, as more artists complain about not getting a good cut, doesn’t it seem completely logical to replace all artists and labels with a select group of non-human living things that play things? Has your pet ever complained about people not buying its album, or openly worried about the morality of downloading? No? I bet your pet thinks buying means downloading.

Here’s another theoretical situation. Pretend I’m a cat– but I’m also a rapper. I sorta have an attitude. I’m really angry about the government and stuff. And now I’m pissing in my litter box. And now I’m rapping again.

Friends: Dog Idol. Simon Cow.

Look, I’m not saying we should give up on human artists here– but I do think we should be picky about the ones we let stay around. Baha Men can stay; if they hadn’t let the dogs out, none of this would be possible. Spider Loc– that’s close enough. I’ll also say that I’m fine if 50 Cent wants to stick around, provided that he change his name to 50 Snakes. U2 will have to go, but let’s hang onto the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I think those guys are onto something.