The Washington Nationals Racing Presidents Have Joined The Shield And Are Trying To Assassinate Lincoln

In a story that is extremely relevant to both American history and my interests, three of the Washington Nationals GEICO Racing Presidents have turned heel and banded together to take out Abraham Lincoln. They’ve also chosen to evoke The Shield, WWE’s team of flak-jacket-and-dog-mask-wearing mercenaries. Dude, I don’t know why they’re doing it either, I’m just smiling and happily clapping my hands.

Here’s Zapruder-style footage of a HEINOUS attack ordered by William Howard Taft, with a h/t to SB Nation. They popped him so hard with a double clothesline that a human head burst from his sternum. Yo.

If Lincoln responds by hitting anyone with Sister Abigail, I’ll lose it. And hey, as much as I love heel wrestling faction attacks, if you wanna take out Abe shouldn’t you just make John Wilkes Booth a Racing President? THE GEICO PRESIDENTS RACE SHOULD BE DARK AND HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.

Ah shit here comes William Taft with a running splash and he’s going to eliminate Lincoln but WHAT THE FUCK BARACK OBAMA WITH A BIG ENDING. 1.2. No Taft kicks out but he’s getting up, he’s getting up and here comes George Bush with a discus clothesline. And he’s hit Taft and Taft goes out the middle ropes and he’s down and out and Bush turns around and gets hit by the Trouble In Paradise followed by the Ghetto Blaster by Obama, Obama’s celebrating but here comes Reagan and Hilary Clinton’s telling Reagan to Crush and Reagan’s put Obama in the accolade and Obama’s tapping making Reagan the new President Of The United States Of The World. Join us next time when all the presidents will meet up in a Gettysburg Gauntlet for the Gold.