Saturday, May 14, 2005

A TV advert has caught my eye these past couple of days and every time it comes on the television i am struck by its content. Matters not really what they are advertising suffice to say that the content goes something like this.

"Be who it is you want to be"

"What works for you may not work for everyone else""Make small changes as many small changes will make up to one big change""Every journey we take begins with the first step"

So why does this have such an effect on me. Well, if this was an advert for living a D/s lifestyle it wouldn't be far wrong is my first thought. Secondly the concept that life is built up of journeys has been one that is often talked about within our world of D/s, as is "walking the path".

But in the main, why i am so attracted to these words right now has little or nothing to do with the overall concept or meaning behind the words. However, they do strike a cord in me and we could all do well to take note of the meaning behind them. But i digress, so why am i so taken by all this ?

"Every journey we take begins with the first step"...that's the bit that for me says what it is that is wandering around in my brain hour after hour of late because i had thought, assumed, that i had started my journey a long time ago, this journey, this M/s lifestyle choice and that having started all those many many moons ago, that by definition i must be, should be, at least a good way along my chosen path, not nearing the end by any means, but at least a fair way along the road, a lot of water under each bridge, vast amounts of knowledge gains, techniques learnt, etc etc. And yet......

Those words have all of a sudden said to me.... Hold on here cleo, maybe you are not quite so far along the path as you think you are, maybe in fact, you are still just touching the tiniest tip of the iceberg, maybe you are only just beginning.

And i see it all clearer with that thought. i see why i question, why i doubt, why i am never satisfied with what it is i know or think i know, why i am always asking for more, need more, want more.

i have gone over the crest of the hill when it comes to the journey of life, at 50 i have done that and been there and i am on the downward slope now but..... in my M/s life, in this life, this journey, i am just born even tho my choice bought me to this place some 4 years ago, i am a new born, learning every single day, something new and i feel that each day must be a journey in itself to have lasted so long that in those 4 years i have only traveled such a short distance. Because it is obvious that i haven't traveled far, not anywhere near far enough because with each day i find new things, i feel new things, i experience new things. Each incident, each activity something new happens.

And there i was, so sure that i was an old hand at all this M/s stuff, after all.. i am a 24/7 slave, what is there that i don't know about living M/s, i have to know it all or how could i possible live it... WRONG... that's my mistake.. i don't know and because i don't, i loose what it is i thought i had under all the feelings of what i think i am expected to do, or what i expect. Its not about expecting, its not even about experiencing, its about tasting and trying and liking and finding out and trying some more and moving on, not forward, just on, maybe into another direction and keeping on traveling and finding out and testing this way and that way and seeing ifs its what you want and need. Doesn't matter if it doesn't fit the norm, doesn't work as you have been told to believe it will, all that matters is that, it works for you and yours and that at the end of it you come out with what you feel is good for you. Those damn labels say, i am slave and as such, so and so is expected of me... bulls***, the only thing that's expected of me, comes from MG

Of course we have used a good many techniques during our time together, and of course, we know how each may respond to any given situation, however, the slightest nuance, the slightest alteration in mood or temperament (on either part) and we will find ourselves in a place on the map that we have never ever been to before. And lets not forget, that with every journey, the first step is going to dictate the direction we are going in at that time..and even, "that time".. is a beginning of another journey, within our M/s journey because its going to be a new situation every single time.

So now i can stop beating myself up, stop worrying why i feel so bad sometimes that i am not doing what i feel is expected of a seasoned lifestyler. Why i might not be up there doing what it is i am meant to be doing, My problem was.... that i thought, i knew it all.... and i don't but at least now, i have realised that... i can have so much fun finding out.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Quick drop in to let those who are interested in what happening....exactly what is happening with us right now.Lets review what's what then.

Divorce. Papers have been served to my Ex and he has returned them and i am duly informed that the Nisi will be done ASAP. 6 weeks after that the absolute and i shall be a free woman.

Smoking. Going ok for us both, Neither of us have broken the silent vow that we will not smoke again. Too many reasons to not take up the weed again and very few in favour off. The "i need a fag" syndrome is still there and isnt getting any less with time but i think we are both far to strong and determined to quit for good that there is no way the urges will win.

MGs job is ok at present altho still Friday/Saturday/Sunday nights. But 3 nights a week isnt bad and is over before you can even begin to think about it, each week. The time frame for his company to alter the shift pattern is the beginning of June so its really a matter of waiting and seeing what they come up with to replace the 3 nights. Watch this space.

Our M/s is... our M/s..just that. It works in a way that is just there, sometimes showing obviously, other times, in the background, but whatever, its there and will spark into life or not, as the mood and the situation dictates.

House. Contracts about to be exchanged, we are hoping to be moved in by my Birthday which is 30th June. Would be nice, fingers crossed

Everything else. Going on about as smoothly as in any household. Kids are fine and once exams are out of the way and the summer is here, time for them to chill out and relax a bit, which both deserve.

blue blooded blogger

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i do not want !!

"i do not want to be the leader. i refuse to be the leader. i want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. i want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. i don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman i want to be dominated. i don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that i am capable of doing, but i am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding. "