Last week, Cincinnati Bengals wideout Chad Johnson guaranteed a victory for the perennial losing Begals over the then undefeated Kansas City Chiefs. Many thought he was crazy for making such a claim (or they previously thought him crazy and this incident simply reaffirmed their suspicions), but this past Sunday, the Bengals pulled off the upset of the year as they defeated the Chiefs by a score of 24 to 19.

“I can see the future”, claims Johnson, now dawning a black cloak and staring intently into a Christmas snow globe much as a cat would stare intently at a brown wall. “There was never any doubt in my mind. Just like when I watched Titanic years ago, I knew the ship would sink and I knew we’d win this game.”

Our sources indicate that some sort of meteorite, sent from a far off land with the intention of allowing outspoken football players to make wild claims, landed in Johnson’s swimming pool only days before and is the source of his impressive prophesying abilities. While Johnson would neither confirm nor deny this story, we must assume it is true for no particular reason other than it makes this story far more interesting than simply chalking it all up to lady luck.

Now that Johnson’s latest claim has come to fruition, he has begun making more and more claims, each more ludicrous than the last. “I feel that cream soda will soon become the official drink of the NCAA,” says Johnson. He believes this to be the beginning of a plan to bring cream soda to new markets where its soothing taste can bring college students to their knees in delight. “College students work hard too, they deserve a treat.”

“Next Canadians will invent a new form of monster truck that is nearly twice the size of a normal monster truck,” Johnson predicts. “Canada will attempt to overrun the United State but fail when English to metric conversions drive them to the brink of insanity.”

“There will be a shortage of straws all across the world due to a faulty widget at the straw factory. This will lead people who previously had to eat food through straws to have to use funnels!”

“I finally am seeing something about fire and brimstone raining from the sky, seas boiling, and the Cubs winning the World Series… then everything is just black.”

Critics and non-critics alike have harshly criticized Johnson’s claims, deeming him to be delusional from sniffing glue or some other form of paste. One unnamed critic even went so far as accusing Johnson of being downright wrong. “Come one, college students will never go for cream soda, that’s just crazy talk,” he claimed.

Johnson seems to have no intention of stopping these claims anytime soon, however right or wrong they may or may not be. “As long as a meteorite from the planet Zarkon Three still sits in my pool, I’ll never stop making ridiculous guarantees and predictions.” And now, only time will tell how many of these come true.is0" style="display:no