This Site contains the stories of over 650 courageous survivors. Because stories are submitted at a much faster rate than I, and the kind volunteers, can possibly read them, we are momentarily closed for new submissions. If you wish to add your story, please come back in a few weeks or go to aftersilence.org. You may NOT publish, distribute, extract, re-utilise, or reproduce any part of these stories.
Proceed with caution as many of the stories can be highly triggering.

I was raped by sister's boyfriend the night before Thanksgiving. My sister is still living with that man, and she's aware of what appended. The experience wasn't nearly as harming as the aftermath. I've never felt more ashamed or embarrassed of my body than now. I'm only 15 and he's 34, he's left me so scared and afraid. It doesn't show on the surface, but when I'm alone I'm still in fear of myself.

I suffer from anxiety disorder and and my eating disorder has shown it's face again. I often wonder what he was thinking and why he did what he did. His words still repeat over and over in my mind. I feel pushed to the point of utter insanity, because of the scars this has left on my family and my sister. I'm realizing that my main concern should be me. Life is about surviving, he won't have me forever. He broke my body not me, I see that now. I can live with what he did, as long as I can live with me. I'm learning to love me.

by Rebeca on 16 Jan 2006

In August, my mom's best friend took me and my sister out to watch a meteor shower. On the way back my sister was in the back seat asleep, and I was in the front seat next to my mom's friend. I had just begin to fall asleep when he started to rub my hand. I pretended to be asleep, but then he started touching my breasts on the outside of my clothes. I was afraid so I still pretended to be asleep. He then reached into my shirt and started feeling my breasts. I was so afraid.
When we got to my house he spent the night on the couch and then the next day he spent the entire day at our house. I just wanted him to leave. I stayed in my room crying.
About a month ago my friends and I were talking about how our year had been. I said that my year sucked and they forced me to tell them why. They are the only people I have told. I have not told my mom because my sister is his daughter's best friend and I don't want to ruin that friendship. Also I want to tell, but it is so hard. I've tried, but I can't manage to get anything out.
I know that this is not nearly as bad as some of the stuff most of the people on this site have gone through and I'm sorry for complaining when it is not very bad.

by Beth on 15 Jan 2006

I am 61 years old now and have just been told by my doctor that I have never faced the hurt of a rape that happened to me when I was 14.

I trusted all people at that time and for sure thought my parents would protect and care for me. I was a good girl, never wanted to touch a drop of alcohol or smoke or do anything that made me look bad; and of course drugs were pretty much unheard of back then. Looking back now it's very hard to admit to myself how badly my parents let me down. Facing this has caused me to lose the love that I once felt for my parents. Hate steps in where the love once was as I know they could have prevented the rape that happened to me.

I guess my mother felt it was too embarrassing for her to talk to me about sex and how men can be. Rather than talk to me and give me the knowledge that I so desperately needed and deserved, my parents chose to let me stumble blindly through this era of my life. Yes, it was their choice. I was so uninformed that I didn't even know what an erection was or what caused it. I didn't know what arousal was or what could cause that. Although looking back, I know that I did not cause the predator to behave as he did; however, the rape occurred just the same. A girl does not need to date until she understands the sexual makeup of a man and that not all men will treat you with respect and kindness no matter how much you may deserve it. Unfortunately, you do have to be on guard with some guys all the time. If my parents were going to allow me to date just a few words of instruction from my Mom would have helped so very much. Remember I was only 14 years old.

My age, inexperience, and just my nature made me a very vulnerable young teenager and I did not realize that I was the prey for this predator. I was unaware of the danger that surrounded me because at that point no one had given me any reason to feel threatened. Then I met the predator who changed all of that. He was either 18 or 19 and in the military. I can't even remember how we met but he asked me to go out. He had attended our school but I had not known him then. Maybe if I had, I would have known that he was a conceited egotistical animal that didn't have any feelings for other people. The second time I went out with him he took me to meet his mother. It would seem appropriate that a guy who likes to be around his Mom should be a decent and trustworthy guy. I know now that this was all a plot to make me trust him and feel relaxed. He was hiding his true personality from me. I was not smart enough to realize this but my parents should have been wise enough to know that an 18 or 19 year old does not have good intentions when he has asked a 14 year old out.

The third time we went out, keep in mind all three dates were within a 30 day period; we went to a party at a schoolmate's house and everything was going fine. We left the party and I just thought he would take me home but when we got into our small town he pulled behind one of the school buildings. Sure, I thought he would probably want to kiss me a bit but all I had seen was this nice, polite guy and saw no danger. I had never parked before and had not even had anyone to make a pass at me, and I thought since I was a nice girl no one would even attempt to do anything to me. We kissed and talked for 15-20 minutes. He was leaning over me and had gotten me to where I was not fully sitting up but not lying down either (this was very brief). Suddenly, in what seemed like an all in one move he pushed me the rest of the way to the seat, quickly pulled my dress up, started jerking my underpants off, putting my body where he wanted it. I FROZE. This part seems like such a burr to me. I was so shocked at this action from someone I had just been kissing and not feeling any threat from, I just felt numb. I could not move or speak. I was just wishing over and over in my head that I was not there and thinking I don't want this. I had so sexual desires. Why is he doing this to me?????? I don't know how long of a time period transpired; my memory cannot recall but the next thing that I knew I was feeling horrific pain. He continued with his brutal and selfish way to get what he wanted. I was a virgin and a very small 14 year old. I only weighed 95 pounds. The best way I can describe his actions is to relate him to a defensive lineman playing for one of the NFL teams. I was crying and screaming and the humiliation and pain were so horrible, but he paid no attention to my pain or my desire for him to STOP!!! It seemed like I couldn't speak, but I couldn't stop screaming and crying. When he did stop his brutal act, he started telling me that he was sorry, that he should not have done that. I guess I was still in shock and wanted to believe that someone would not intentionally torture and hurt me that way. He tried to put his arm around me and kiss me but I pulled away. I told him to take me home. All the way home I was crying and upset; he kept telling me that he didn't mean to do that and that he had taken some No-Doze and it had him messed up. (I didn't even know what No-Doze was; I thought it had to be some kind of a drug). He tried to pull me to him and kiss me but I could not and did not respond. Before I went in the house he again tried to kiss me and I let him but I was still so very upset and hurt that he could be that mean that I could not kiss him back. I didn't realize he was only trying to console me so that I would not tell my parents and go to authorities. As with most other rape victims I too was afraid to tell anyone for fear that I would not be believed. I just wanted to get in my bed and be alone and cry.

I got in my bed and cried and cried. I can't remember if I cried myself to sleep and woke up later or if I just cried until I couldn't cry any more and had to start thinking about what had happened to me. I was so angry that something like this had happened to me just because I went on a date. I was angry at my parents for letting me go out with a military guy so much older than I. I was angry at myself for being so trusting and not seeing him for what he was. I didn't call it rape at that time because I thought rapist carried guns and knives and were strangers and date rape was not in existence in 1958. I just knew that what he had done was very wrong and that I had been treated badly. Over and over in my mind, I just said, "You had no right, you had no right!!!!!

After that night he returned to his duty station and over the next few weeks he sent me more letters apologizing and telling me it would not happen again if I would go out with him. I replied to his letters telling him that I didn't want to go out with him again as he had been mean to me. I wanted to reply to his letters because I wanted to tell him NO. Looking back now I know that was my way of being in control. I no longer could trust him and I wanted to push him away from me because I wanted him out of my life. I told him that even if I did agree to go with him again it would not be at night. The next time he was home he called me and asked me to go out with him just on a Sunday afternoon. I never gave any thought as to his intentions but I welcomed the opportunity that I saw. I only let him take me to a small cafe where there were other people and I felt safe. I also felt as big and powerful as he had been when he wronged me ( I still had not faced that had been rape). I cannot recall my exact words to him but I do recall how I felt. I was the one in control now and I was ending his attempts to hurt, humiliate and have any power over me. In so many words, I told him to get out and stay out of my life. For such a small girl, I sure did feel big. I now realize how strong I had to have been to stand up to him because at that age I could have been so easily convinced that he was sincere and really meant it when he said he would not do that again. I think a part of me did believe it but the physical and mental pain that he had caused me was much stronger than his words. I now felt like I was starting a new life without the memory of him and what he had done to me. I vowed to myself to never tell anyone. I thought I could erase it and start anew, still a virgin, because in my mind it had never happened.

In closing I want to tell you that all guys re not predatory animals. I am very grateful for the man I married. He was unaware of the rape when I married him because I had lied to him about it and to be honest in my mind it had never happened. I did not feel like I was hurting him because again remember, in my mind it had never happened. If I could leave you with just one piece of very important advice that would be the most important thing while dating and in a marriage would be trust and honesty in one another. There are wonderful men out there but you must be very careful about who you go with and where you go until you get to know him. My now boyfriend and I dated for 3 years and did have premarital sex and married when he was 16 and I was 17. Although he was very aggressive on the basketball court, he was always slow and gentle with me. He was always very respectful and considerate of me and before each stage of romance he would always ask my permission; and it was his choice that he absolutely would not proceed without my verbal consent. The verbal consent is very important and a must for the guy to understand. This was the way my boyfriend did it and now 44 years later my boyfriend is now my husband.

I was date raped. He held me down, strangled me, and forced himself on me. Then it was like I was in a dream. I used to see him in my nightmares, see him at the gymn, thought I saw him everywhere. It's been a year and a half, and I admit I will never trust people as I once did. I still wont let anyone touch my neck, even my boyfriend. I am applying to graduate school in psychology this year, so I can try to give people who suffer from rape some sort of hope and peace. Take the anger, the sadness, the disgust and use it to do something to stop whats happening to too many women. That's the only way I can make any good come from this nightmare I'm stuck with.

by lea on 12 Jan 2006

I was drugged at a bar. I have foggy glimpses of awaking with two men in my room. I remember crying for my mom and dad. I awoke late the next day and began having flashbacks. I had horrible pain in my groin. I have nightmares one year later. The trauma was too much and i ended having a psychotic break..I couldn't trust anyone. Therapy saved my life, my spirit, my sanity. If anyone has been raped and hasn't recieved therapy, all I can say is it wont make it better, but it will give you peace.

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