Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The scene is on a merchant ship in the 17th century. The first mate goes below where the slaves are rowing to the cadence of the drum. "Listen up...I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" shouted the first mate. "Good news" yelled the slaves. "OK, there will be double food rations for the next week". The slaves all cheered with amazement. "Now for the bad news... the captain wants to water ski"

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I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave."Going to be a long lonely recovery in the hospital, come visit me when you can; wife won't.

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At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.' "But think about that for a second........ Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?" One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

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Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

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My talking old clock that my wife wanted to throw out, Said it doesn't work. I told her that my talking clock works perfectly and proved it to her. I just started to bang it repeatedly against the wall, like I always do, and as usual, the neighbour SCREAMED "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! ITS 3 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING!!!!"

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“If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed." - Mark Twain

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I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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Group of dementia sufferers protesting outside the White House......They were chanting.."what do we want"? "When do we want it"?...."When do we want what"?

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Seems there was this convention of rockstars, and they were all getting training for a fire emergency. One of the things they were to do was the "stop, drop and roll" technique. so all of the rockers get on the floor and start rolling around and around, until finally the instructor told them to stop. They all promptly got up; all, that is, except for Mick Jagger. "You can stop now, mr. Jagger," said the instructor. "But i'm really enjoying this rolling around buisness," Mick replied. "You are not supposed to be enjoying this," retorted the instructor. Mick paused in mid-roll, looked at the instructor, and said, "I know, it's only drop-and-roll, but I likeit, I like it, yes I do."

Monday, January 30, 2012

Good Morning......

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My wife noticed the cut on my finger...... and asked me what happened. I replied, "I knicked it while I was cutting some cord". She replied, "You are such a clumsy idiot"! I said, "Yeah, anyway, are we still on for skydiving tomorrow"?

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Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.Juan says, “Sir, I couldn’t help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?”“Four.”“How long have you been smoking?”“Thirty years.”“That’s over six thousand packs. If you didn’t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building.”The smoker takes a deep puff and says, “Do you smoke?”“Never.”“Do you own this building?”“No.”“Well, I do.”

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Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, Lets play doctor. Good idea, said the other. You operate, and I'll sue.

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Three men were preparing for a trip into the desert. Each could bring one thing. One brought some food so they wouldn't starve.The second brought some water so they wouldn't dehydrate.The third, a blond guy, brought a car door so he could roll down the window if he got hot!

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Q. Why did the pig cross the road..... A. To prove that he wasn't a chicken

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Dateline: Jacksonville; I need help catching the gator that ate my prized pig. My pig (Rudy Belle) was wearing a very expensive necklace, a generational necklace, which was in my wife's family for years. The emotional distress I have had from losing my pig is nothing like the stress I will receive from my wife if I don't get it back. It happened at the Blue Cypress Golf Club and it scared the bejesus out of me. I spoke to management and they said there was nothing they could do. If anyone has found the necklace or has seen this gator ( has a weird blotchy snout) pleasssse contact me. Thanks........Jimmy T.

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A young man went to a carpenter and asked, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?""Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?" "Well, you see," said the young man, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

☺ Three muslim men found guilty of handing out anti-homosexuality leaflets.Good luck in the showers.

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I saw an old lady in the Walmart parking struggling to load her bags of shopping into her car this morning.As I walked past her, she said, "Excuse me young man, can you possibly help me?""I'll give it a go darling" I said, "What's up?"She said, "I've been trying to load these bags into my car for about ten minutes or so, my back is killing me, have you got the time?"I said, "Yes, it's quarter past 11."

Sunday, January 29, 2012

It’s my wife’s birthday ... Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know, she said . Just give me something with diamonds.”That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

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An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.She says, "Well what was that for?" He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!" She doesn't reply and they start rocking again. All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband. He says, "Well what was that for?" She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

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Maybe they call it take-home pay because there is no other place you can afford to go with it.

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Good way to die;I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night. My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me." I said, "What about the time you threatened to leave."

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The long-winded Congresman said to his colleague, "Did you notice how my voice filled the House chamber this afternoon?" Most certainly," the man replied. "And did you notice how a lot of members left to make room for it?"

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Actual call to a computer helpline;CALLER: I'm having a problem with passwords on my computer. When I type them in, it just shows stars.TECH SUPPORT: The asterisks are there to protect you. For instance, if someone is standing behind you, they won't know what you've typed in.CALLER: But they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!

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A baby was just born. He had all his parts and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like mad. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing in front of the worried parents but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and guess what he found?The birth control pill!

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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Saturday, January 28, 2012

My wife just came in asking me to say thosethree words that would make her dance on air. I guess "Go hang yourself" wasn't the correct answer. It's gonna be a long, long night.

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My wife and I eat from the three basic food groups, canned, frozen, and take-out.

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That Captain Francesco Schettino, of the ill fated Italian cruise ship, was heard to say "I like my ships like I like my whiskey ......... on the rocks." ?????

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The orthopedist said that working with fractures isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman’s head. “Yech!” says the woman..... “Get some toilet paper.” “What for?

He must be half-a-mile away by now.”

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A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I'd like a soda, said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if hewould like something. “Yes, I would, he replied..... “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!

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A husband was giving a speech on wife’s 30th birthday, he said; Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present.....

I didn’t get you one.

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The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he’d like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife’s 60th birthday. “A little surprise, eh?” smiled the clerk. “You bet,” answered the customer..... “She’s expecting a cruise.”

Friday, January 27, 2012

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Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards....-Fire Insurance Inside-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned-God Answers Knee Mail-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!-Sign broken, come inside for message-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place-The best position is on your knees!

••A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says,"Meow!"

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A guy attending a wedding asks the person sitting next to him, Hey, have you noticed how horriblelooking the bride is?.... Man, she's ugly! You jackass. That's my daughter you're talking about! the person responds. Oops! I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know you was the father. I'm not, you stupid idiot..... I'm the mother!

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My grandfather's new nickname is Rusty. It's not because he has red hair. It's just that whenever he gets out of a chair these days he leaves a small brown mark behind.

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A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"The father answered him immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers.....digest and writers cramp.

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I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future..

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Good Morning...People...

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I got yelled at again..... for using my wife's toothbrush. I promised I wouldn't do it anymore. Anyone know a better way to clean dog crap out of tennis shoes?

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The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker."Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

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During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

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The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years." Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"

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Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?' Woman: 'Four.' Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?' Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.' Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?' Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

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Bob goes to pay his rent: "What the hell?" says the landlord. "That's only half of it!" "True," says Bob, "but I thought you could ask the cockroaches to chip in."

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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturingon map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I requested you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude? What would we be doing?" After a confused silence, a lone voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

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I was booking a flight when the woman at Easyjet said to me "and how many people will you be flying with sir?"I said "how should I know its your plane"

Two blonds are waiting on a bus stop.... when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blonds leans inside and asks the driver:"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." At this the other blond leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will it take ME?"