“Despite being a hopeless alcoholic I try my best to stick to the government’s helpful guidelines. From a brief perusal, in the library, of the ‘Drinking and You’ website - not at all patronising, by the way - I understand that the sensible intake for a man is at least 3-4 units. An interesting target, though I can generally do better. I quaff those 3-4 units as quickly as possible, followed by breakfast (depending what I can find in the bins), before settling down to a more relaxed pace of drinking, either in the park - with friends - or under the bridge for a few hours of solitary drinking. Well, just me and my demons. You’ve got to pace yourself; after four or five cans of Special Brew - with maybe a Toilet Duck chaser - you really start to feel it. The guidelines are inconclusive about what to do next: there’s no mention of Frank turning up with a bottle of White Lightning, and spending the afternoon barking at strangers.

“No need to look at the guidelines tomorrow. I know what they're going to say: too much Toilet Duck on an empty stomach can ruin your appetite”...