Asian Mothers are CRAY!! Second Story I’ve Heard of Moms Threatening Suicide Over Black Girlfriends!

April 30, 2013 | Christelyn Karazin |

As much as I really would like to be super Gung-Ho about black women connecting with Asian men, an issue keeps coming up that I feel is so important as not to overlook–CRAZY, SUICIDAL ASIAN MOTHERS.

As someone who is often sought for advice on interracial relationships, I’ve heard some cray cray stuff, but none as crazy as Asian moms threatening their sons that they will commit suicide if they marry their black girlfriends. And why? They feel like having a black daughter-in-law will literally make them die of shame.

I had a male friend (Chinese) have his mother threaten to kill herself when she learned that he would be taking his long distance romance with a Jamaican girl from Florida a bit closer, as in, he was going to move her in his home. Did I mention his mother was living there too? It caused my friend so much stress and heart ache that I believe it may have contributed to their ultimate break up.

Now it has happened again, this time with a female friend who has been dating a Vietnamese man for some time (her story in my book, Swirling). Their relationship continues to become more serious and committed and the rainbeau’s mother is about ready to fall on a Samurai sword. She wrote me this…

So this man’s mother tells him… that Im fat (which ok but actively losing for me not for her by a long shot), black and tell his sister (who bless her heart did her best to vouch for me ) that because Im black and have a child I would con [my boyfriend] into getting me pregnant and then once I had the baby leave him and take him for everything he is worth….. THEN tell [him] that if he ever brings me home she will KILL HERSELF and that she would rather die than be the laughing stock of the Vietnamese community.

I’ll pause for effect.

I have had my share of rejection dished out when The Hubster and I became serious. It was an adjustment for his parents and their WASP-Y friends. I recall once that upon hearing that Mike and I had (temporarily) broken up, a family friend blurted out to my mother-in-law, “Aren’t you relieved?” But I guaran-dang-tee you nobody threatened to do harm to themselves if we were to marry. Once The Hubster’s parents realized this was the real deal, they fell in line.

Being rejected by the parents of the man you love for the color of your skin is incredibly hurtful. I think I would have rather been rejected because they thought I was a bitch, or that I sang off-key or something. Rejection by way of birth makes you feel powerless.

My friend continues…

I literally have never experienced anything like this before I hover in a weird state of resentment hatred and just plan awe of the ignorance of mostly his mother (shes a drama queen) I took the advice of my asian friends and sent a gift and a note explaining that i understand that they just wnt the best for their son but if they would just get to know me id love to get to know them and take them out to dinner… so they pretty much shit on my gift (an expensive 100+ dollar edible arrangement) and let it spoil then threw it away….. sigh i swear to God they thought i was trying to poison them or something but fuck im at the end of my rope with these damn people…. and really im so tired of the racism in the asian community its not even like in America its almost like they know zero black people and base everything they know about black people on played out crime dramas on ABC.

So what is this couple to do? Apparently her beau isn’t taking this well, and has had to seek a therapist.

Honestly I’m outraged for this couple myself. It mystifies me how other minorities in this country try to pull rank on the totem pole. What these parents are doing to their children is sheer torture, and they should be ashamed.

That said, this is where it takes some cultural sensitivity to look at this situation without my American lenses on. Many in the Asian culture don’t necessarily marry for love first. Marriage is a merging of families and a combining of wealth and resources. And in that culture, the son is everything. The parents often go to live with the son when they become elderly, and the son’s wife is obliged to basically be on her mother-in-law’s beck and call. I’m assuming the suicide threat has more to do with Mommy Dragon feeling like my friend won’t understand and honor these traditions in her old age.

For couples who are going through similar challenges, here’s my recommendation:

Be a united front. You both need to communicate to his parents that this relationship ishappening. Just remain respectful and avoid angry confrontations.

Be sympathetic and empathetic. You’re rainbeau needs to know that you will support and stand with him. An Asian man who fears his parents is not inherently weak. That’s the wrong interpretation of what’s going on. Try not to blame your guy for the outrageous behavior of his parents. It’s not his fault–he was born into this situation and had absolutely no say in the matter.

Understand this isn’t necessarily personal. Yes; their rejection based on race hurts you personally, but their bigotry really has nothing to do with you. Any non-Asian who isn’t white would most likely stir up this cluster-cuss.

Don’t force it. It is impossible to influence the behavior of others, but you have complete control over how and what you allow into your psyche.

Know When to Leave. Understand that the way your boyfriend handles this obstacle will set the tone for how he will stand up and defend you until the day his parents are in the ground. Know what your tolerance level is, and follow the relationships equation: If it feels bad more than it feels good, it’s time to call it quits.

One final word: While I want AM/BW relationships to succeed, I think black women need to exercise some serious caution and do a bit of vetting beforehand. Find out if your guy’s parents are immigrants–that’s a biggie. They are not even close to understanding the independent American ideals about romance. And since Asian guys don’t usually bring a girl around the family until he’s really serious, you’re going to have to observe how much of a spine your man has in other ways, and really listen to how he speaks about how he and his parents relate to each other, and what sort of expectations they have.

Wow . . . just . . . wow. A man with a Mother like this would DEFINITELY have to have a backbone, gonads, cojones and everything else to withstand that kind of pressure. If he doesn’t, I don’t see a relationship lasting for the long haul.

LorMarie

Sad to say but I just don’t think a relationship with an Asian guy is worth the trouble. This is just ridiculous! I actually considered opening up my dating pool to Asian guys. Forget it.

simply lois

@LorMarie I think this culture would be the most difficult for bw. Of course, there are those lucky few am/bw who are fortunate to have a good relationship with each others families.

BWWOB

@LorMarie Just vet them like any other man. If the fails the vetting then next him.

@LorMarie It’s not universal. Asian parents who grew up in America, Canada, Europe, or the Caribbean, where mixing is common, will probably not be like this. Filipinos are more open.

Christelyn

@Aabaakawad @LorMarie Filipinos are VERY open. The most welcoming of IRR.

somethingdifferent22

@Christelyn @Aabaakawad @LorMarie I’ll say! There is an annual Filipino festival in the bay area my friend and I went to and a lot of them had shirts that proudly stated they were half Filipino half black. Shocked the heck out of me!! lol I think it’s because we both have dark skin honestly and because of that sometimes they are looked down upon by other asian groups, so a lot of the Filipino’s I met see no point in being discriminatory, at least from the people I talked to anyway.

@LorMarie I feel your sentiments. Not trying to bring BM in this…but I once read a comment on another forum that due to so many issues that make BM unavailable, they wouldn’t even be a consideration for dating options although this person was open to dating all men. Yes, there may be some good ones…but you have to cast a net where you have better chances of meeting a good quality guy and getting married if that is your goal. I understand this is a cultural thing with AM…but do I really want to waste precious time trying to find the one AM that I could settle with? BW should proceed with extreme caution here.

Karla

This is sad. Very sad.

Angel92

I am a black woman in a interracial marriage with an Asian man, we have been married for many years and his parents still treat me like an outsider and they treat our four children the same way. While I love my husband but if I had to do it all over again I might think about it twice. Asian people are very family oriented, and the parents hold an invisible rope to their children making them feel guilty, worthless and ungrateful. The hurt and pain my husbands parents caused me is shameful, and as I said before I don’t think I would go through all of this again, because it has also affected my husband. Now it is affecting our children and their self esteem.

Christelyn

@Angel92 Thank you for that truth, Angel.

Angel92

@Christelyn and @ WorldTravelingChic,

You are welcome. I want to say that I do not want to dissuade anyone from dating and entering into a marriage with an Asian man or an Asian woman but my experience is not unique. I have other black women friends that are married to Asian men who have had similar problems although mine seems to be the worse. But I do know some that also have beautiful relationships with their Asian in-laws as well.

My husbands parents are wealthy and do not need my husbands money so they act as hurtful to us as they want. While some of my black women friends that are married to Asian men their parents do need the son’s support so they have come around sooner, especially after the babies came along. I thought that when our first son was born they would come around and at least be cordial but they have not.

When his parents are sick and they call our home looking for my husband they never say hello to me or ask about the kids, they just ask for my husband. I go out of my way to try to talk to them but they keep the conversation quick and all about them and their poor health. They never call the children on their birthday’s. And they have never set foot in our home, although they travel all the way to India to visit, from Dallas where they live. They will not come to visit us and we are only four states away from them. They had never seen our children, their grandchildren until we took the children to visit them. The first few times we visited his father left the house because he could not stand the sight of us. I know this is unbelievable and I am sorry I don’t want to be a downer. His father is actually darker than me but very color struck. Some Asians are more racist than whites.

It has severely hurt my husband and caused a tear in our relationship, although he does not or will not see it. He disowned his parents for a number of years but when his dad became critically ill I asked him to please go and see his father and that is how we started to go around them. But it wasn’t by their request and some of those times when we wanted to visit they have told us not to come because they were too busy to even see their grandchildren. But they have other grandchildren that they visit with all the time, and dote on like proud grandparents and all that.

So my advice is GET TO KNOW THE FAMILY FIRST!

Browncow

@Angel92 @Christelyn I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I agree, Asians can be some of the most racist people out there. Keep your head up, it’s almost over. I’m having a cold snap right now so please forgive me. I’m especially cold when it comes to racist people. They’re the worst.

foreverhopeful

@Angel92 Wow. I wish you and your family the best.

Angel92

@foreverhopeful Thank you.

WorldTravelingChic

@Angel92 Wow. Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. How sad that their biases and stubbornness are robbing them of knowing their grandchildren and vice versa. I hope you and your kids can find a way to overcome the negative effects of their actions.

@Aabaakawad The siblings use to avoid us too, until they had their own children and became to understand the value in all of the children knowing each other.

Angel92

@Aabaakawad My husband and his siblings are first generation born Asian Americans, so they really do not have other family here in America, just them.

onmywayup

@Angel92 I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I hope things start looking up, and thanks for sharing this with us.

JuneBug277

Horrible. Unfortunately these are the things that come along when inter racially dating non white men. Some cultures are incredibly color struck especially Asian culture, trust me if the son had brought a white GF the mom would have had a different reaction. Sometimes I honestly think swirling is a little bit easier with white men, I really do.

I am currently dating a Chinese man (he was born and raised overseas, so he is not American). He is very traditional, I guess there it is normal for the whole family to live together, so his sister and his parents are all in his house. He wants me to go meet them. We have been dating for a short (3 months) while and I am terrified. I asked him immediately if they know am black and he said no. I told him to tell them before hand. I am not sure if he is putting so much faith in them or he is being naive but from the few interactions I have had with Asians in this particular area that I live, most can’t stand black people, let alone having them as in-laws.

I can only imagine the pain your friend is going through. Sounds like the mother-in law is a manipulative b%#ch.

Law Wanxi

@JuneBug277
This has disaster written all over it.

JuneBug277

@Law Wanxi Haha, why do you say that? These are not the words I want to hear right now. I really like this guy, he is extremely sweet. I pray everything goes well. I’m going in with a positive attitude ^_^

JuneBug277

@Law Wanxi Haha, why do you say that? These are not the words I want to hear right now. I really like this guy, he is extremely sweet and caring. I pray everything goes well. I’m going in with a positive attitude but this article has got me a bit scared. As if I wasn’t before, but now I really want him to tell them that I am black before I get there. I’m not sure if he is scared to tell them or if he thinks it’s a non-factor to them.

guest916

@JuneBug277

SirLoinDeBeef

It’s not just Asian families.

My adult children were cool about my marriage to Brenda55 – we believe they were expecting me go get over my ‘fetish’ and, coming to my senses, dump her and fund all their wishes or the resto of my miserable life.

But, when we renewed our vows aboard a cruise, with the Captain officiating, it was into-the-black-hole-of-non-communication, to date … which included not even minimal communication with the grandchildren.

Thus, having made my choice 14 years ago …

I believe the phrase goes, “cutting off your nose to spite your face!”

foreverhopeful

I am literally in tears reading this story. I am so sorry this is happening to you. My heart is breaking. I know how you feel but on a completely different level. I don;t want to take away from your story but I wanted to share this with you. I dated someone(white man) off and on for years. When the relationship ended the truth came out. He could see dating me but not marrying a black woman. That’s a story I never tell but yours is painful for me to hear. Christelyn is absolutely right about knowing when to leave. Search your heart and your soul. As a result of that relationship I have a wall up that is difficult for anyone to break down. I don’t want this to be you. I know you love this man but love yourself more.

simply lois

@foreverhopeful”… love yourself more.”
I agree. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away. You found him and you can find someone else. I have been there and done that.

MySmile

@foreverhopeful
“When the relationship ended the truth came out. He could see dating me but not marrying a black woman. ”

In that situation, the good outweighs the bad. I’m glad that he told you that instead of continuing to string you along forever… You deserve someone who sees a future with you. You are so right about loving yourself more.

foreverhopeful

@MySmileThank You. I never share that story. Until Yesterday only 3 people in my life knew that story. I just wanted the young lady to know I understand her pain.

BWWOB

BW stay ignoring major red flags ‘for love’ -eye roll- is this what its come down to? All that struggling and suffering for wussy dudes. If anything, lurking young BW swirlers learn when to walk away. But so many BW put up with buckets of crap just to say they have a scrap of a dysfunctional relationship. I’m not putting anything on the mothers (using all the tools to manipulate) its the SONS that control the mother not the other way around!

Have lived in an Asian neighborhood for 14 years. Never heard of one Mother killing herself over her son’s date!!

JuneBug277

@BWWOB I think it depends with the situation as well. If the son puts his foot down and stands by my side then I couldn’t care less about his crazy mom. Sure family reunions wont be a walk in the park, but at the end of the day if he has my back then that’s all that matters. I would probably just spend less time with the parents to stay away from the negativity. But if he looks like he is hesitant/scared and not sure about the situation then it’s time to bail out.

BWWOB

@JuneBug277 Which, all in all is a VETTING lesson. Often, many BW are addicted to pain and struggle. It’s simple. Know when to fold ’em know when to walk away and know when to run. Thanks, Kenny Rogers, LOL!

WorldTravelingChic

@BWWOB @JuneBug277 I love Kenny Rogers! 🙂 So much truth in “The Gambler”.

BWWOB

@WorldTravelingChic @JuneBug277 🙂

Christelyn

@BWWOB “its the SONS that control the mother not the other way around!”I’m sorry but this simply is not true. You’re looking at this through a Western lense. Sure, it’s what I assumed at first as well, until I did extensive research for the book. It’s not as simple as you say. I’m sorry, it’s just not. We can talk with all the bluster in the world when we don’t really understand the cultural nuances.

BWWOB

@Christelyn I’m speaking of my personal experience of living among Asian for 14 years, my dear. My experience, to this very day. I’m sorry, this is what I see everyday.

BWWOB

@Christelyn How many of you live in a Asian neighborhood as I do? I’m curious. You really get to know people when you live with them eat with them do business with them. etc. that is my research elbow to elbow neighbors.

Christelyn

@BWWOB Dee Dee, I’ve interviewed dozens of Asian men, and couples.

BWWOB

@Christelyn And with respect, my 14 years living elbow to neck wlth Asians counts as well. Hundreds of conversations with them over the years. We can agree to disagree.

somethingdifferent22

@BWWOB @Christelyn I did honestly for 10 years and even now so I’ve seen it happen as well in college. I think it really just depends.

Infinity88

“An Asian man who fears his parents is not inherently weak.”

If it doesn’t mean he is inherently weak, what does it mean? I guess I just don’t understand the cultural dynamics.

Christelyn

@Infinity88 It’s a cultural dynamice that is difficult for Westerners to understand.

onmywayup

@Infinity88 In certain cultures, it may mean he has the respect for his elders that he is supposed to.

onmywayup

@Infinity88 And that he values his family over himself. That’s more important in collectivist cultures…we tend to be more individualistic here in the West.

Infinity88

@onmywayup
I understand that but we live in the west… thus he looks like a doormat.

If you choose to marry into a family like that it’s your bed to lie in. I feel for this woman though.

Either way you have to pick a side. I can respect him choosing his family or telling them to either get on board or not being in our lives. Just make a decision…

Why can’t his family value his happiness over their own? Isn’t that collective. Too much tom-foolery for me. I know myself and this would never work.

That being said I know where I stand on Asian men unless he is rebel and wants to join me in the debauchery. =)

MySmile

@Infinity88 @onmywayup

This would never work for me either. I’m too much of an individualist when it comes to stuff like that. I like men who are the same way. I would get really annoyed with him if he didn’t make a decision or expected me to just grin and bear it the whole time. I’m not attracted to most Asian men anyway, so it will most likely never be an issue for me, but even if I was attracted to him, he’d have to be a rebel like you said 😉

onmywayup

@Infinity88 I actually agree with you, but I was just trying to say where someone like that might be coming from.

I have too much drama in my family as is (and I am “individualistic” enough to get the heck out of dodge should ish hit the fan with any guy I wish to marry), so I personally would also pass on another family that brings too much drama. lol.

onmywayup

@MySmile@Infinity88
I actually agree with you, but I was just trying to say where someone like that might be coming from.

I have too much drama in my family as is (and I am “individualistic” enough to get the heck out of dodge should ish hit the fan with any guy I wish to marry), so I personally would also pass on another family that brings too much drama if he’s not willing to leave too. lol.

LemonCrush

I think this is quite interesting. I am such a firm believer in that you teach people how to treat you. Everyone has to decide what they will and won’t put up with, and what behavior they feel is either acceptable or unacceptable. Regardless of race or culture, when I’m dating someone, I expect to be treated with a certain level of respect. If I’m not, I take issue with that. I remember dating a guy (black) who was such a Mama’s Boy. That was my first and last time doing that. It was so ridiculous. He was consulting with his mother on so many things within our relationship. I refused to be a part of that. And his mother didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t a pushover, going along to get-a-long like his last girlfriend. Obviously, the relationship didn’t last because he chose to listen to his mother.

Anyway, all of this to say that you must know your worth and so must any man that you are serious with. I wouldn’t put up with MamaDrama Foolishness from any guy — Black or White. You have decide that you’re worth more and that the man you want to be with is willing to stand up for you. If he won’t do it while you’re dating, what makes you think it will change if you marry him? Giving him and his family a pass just because they’re Asian isn’t going to win you any points. As you can see, they certainly aren’t interested in giving you any kind of a pass just because you’re “one of the good black girls.”

BWWOB

@LemonCrush Thank you! Some BW are addicted to struggling in all areas of their life, just ridiculous. NEXT him and move on.

Christelyn

@BWWOB @LemonCrush Here’s the problem with that…Asian men are not socialized to bring how thier girlfriends until well into the relationship–sometimes years. If you are being treated well beforehand, it’s not like you’re “struggling” the whole time. And by the time you meet the parents, you have created a bond that is not easy to walk away from. I think in order to not be hurt, you have to insist on a meeting well before a year, and probably about the six month mark.

Christelyn

@BWWOB@LemonCrush
Here’s the problem with that…Asian men are not socialized to bring home their girlfriends until well into the relationship–sometimes years. If you are being treated well beforehand, it’s not like you’re “struggling” the whole time. And by the time you meet the parents, you have created a bond that is not easy to walk away from. I think in order to not be hurt, you have to insist on a meeting well before a year, and probably about the six month mark.

LemonCrush

@Christelyn @BWWOB I definitely think you are right about meeting the family sooner, Chris. Honestly, as things currently seem for several of these Asian Men/Black Women relationships, it looks like a lose/lose situation unless you have an Asian man that is willing to stand up to his parents. I’m sure that is seen as being more “Americanized,” but it appears to be necessary if you’re going to have a successful AM/BW relationship. If the Black woman decides to acquiesce to everything, is that really the life she wants for herself or is she just hoping that things will eventually change? I think much of the responsibility for the success of the relationship lies with the Asian man. Obviously, he knows how his parents will feel about him being seriously involved with a black women. He has to decide if she’s worth it to him. Also, black women must decide if not being accepted (maybe ever!) is okay, too.

I also just want to say that I’m not so sure that it’s fair that the black woman is the one who’s expected to willingly acquiesce to the Asian culture. I think it’s one thing if you meet in Asia and you are living over there. But if you meet here in the States, and you plan on living in the States, then it’s only fair that the Black woman would expect that parts of her American culture would be adapted to as well.

MySmile

@LemonCrush
“I remember dating a guy (black) who was such a Mama’s Boy”

In high school, I dated a black guy who was a mama’s boy too .. NEVER AGAIN. Mama’s boys are the worst in any color. That is one of my biggest turn offs. I was watching an episode of “true life” on Mtv about it and couldn’t even finish watching it. I was getting so annoyed….A woman in that situation will never be a priority, his mom and/ or family will always be…

somethingdifferent22

As someone who grew up around Asian people I can say I’ve seen it too happen a lot. I think I mentioned before it really does seem to matter about whether the parents are immigrants or not. Honestly though I think the guy would be better off slowly bringing the girl over in a group of friends and having them get used to her as a person instead of assuming she’s like a stereotype. This way they can form their own positive opinions about her without automatically writing her off or making pre-judgements. The whole Asian guys don’t introduce their girlfriend until way later I only see happen when the girlfriend is non Asian honestly. Most of my friends think they can talk to their parents about it before hand and make sure that their partner is worth it after a long amount of time, but I think this actually isn’t to anyone’s benefit. If you tell your parent you’ve been dating someone for three years and you never told them what are they going to think? Regardless of race, they’re going to think you were hiding them because something was wrong with them. I would say there needs to be a talk about this early on into the dating and they should try and have them meet each other in a casual setting, say having his birthday party and inviting the parents and the girlfriend and having her cook for the birthday dinner or just go out of her way to interact with them. The best case scenario would be having a small group of people always come over or having them go out but the older you get the more I can see why that might be harder to set up while still making it look casual. Holidays would be a great excuse for this and bringing a few friends to family functions would help take the spot light off the female. These are just all methods I’ve seen work but in the end your Asian bf has to be willing to grow some balls and work with you on that front. If not I don’t think this pattern is going to change.

Adam

Not everyone in the Asian community feels this way. A good example would be Richard Aoki who was an early member of the Black Panther Party.

WorldTravelingChic

I think the best takeaway from this is VET, VET, VET. Part of me wonders if this guy had any inkling of how his mom would react from the beginning? Threats of suicide sound like she might live on the outer edge of crazy. In a culture that values saving face, fitting in and the strength of community, her perceived “shame” of having a son who marries outside of the tribe can’t be easy for them to deal with in the long run. That level of parental control and manipulation is intense. I feel for this couple.

I’ve had guys (Asian, White, Hispanic) tell me that even though they thought I was amazing, they couldn’t date me because I was black (and I honestly thank them for doing so). They were too afraid of what their family and friends would say or do. It takes balls to go against the flow and love who you want, regardless of what others think or say. Not everyone can do that. For those who come from group cultures, who still adhere to those norms, it can seem impossible and the sacrifice too great.

Early on, I learned that my grandmother was ostracized from her family for marrying my grandfather. She was (East) Indian. He was Afro-Caribbean. To this day, we have no contact with that entire branch of the family tree. No one threatened to kill themselves (to my knowledge), but they treated her as if she had died. I honestly believe she would say she gave up part of her identity for my grandfather. Part of me wonders if she would make the same choice.

I’m not especially attracted to Asian guys but this is good food for thought. Honestly, the risk of drama is there regardless of who you’re talking to. It’s a conversation every couple should have when things take a turn toward serious, if not sooner.

Browncow

This is why I stopped dating Asian guys. I really liked them and they really liked me, but after getting burned with my first boyfriend I decided not to go out with any more East Asian men. Filipino was my exception because they can be very welcoming and open to dating out. Then I had to cut off South Asian men too because they were so color conscious it was soul crushing. I’m talking about men who were the same color as me and darker who knew that their parents would freak out if they brought home a dark skinned girl. I decided to go for white guys and as most of you well know, I’m happily married with two beautiful children. I feel for this lady, but I think she may need to reassess the situation with this boyfriend. She has to live with the possibility that she may never be accepted. Her children may never be accepted and that is damaging and soul crushing too. I know some half Indian/Black folks who H-A-T-E Indians because of how they have been treated by them during their lives.

It takes a lot to continue with a relationship when there are things like this to overcome. My only advice is not to burn up all of your best years with this guy only to end up with nothing. If he can’t make a decision about the direction of your relationship after a certain time, you need to hang it up and find someone who is worthy of you, your love, and your time. I know this sounds cold, but this is the truth and it will save you a lot of time and regret. I give no pass, even for Asian cultures that are collectivist by nature. It isn’t always the Black woman who needs to bend to the other man’s culture. He needs to bend to your Western culture as well and that means also following some of our norms as well with respect to dating and marriage which means: NO STRINGING YOU ALONG FOR YEARS WITH NO KNOWLEDGE OF WHERE THE RELATIONSHIP IS GOING. If he can get away with it, he will just to keep from having to deal with the trouble of conflict with his family and community. So there’s my 2 cents.

PurpleCurl

Unfortunately, I can also relate as a white woman raised in SC who is attracted to black men. During one serious relationship, my parents’ negativity, silent treatments and anger culminated in an all-out tongue lashing one night where both of my parents admitted to being so depressed over the situation that they had thoughts of suicide. They had never met the man in question. The fact that he was black and we were living together was enough. I sought therapy after that (with someone who specializes in IR issues), which has been successful in helping me set boundaries with my family. Now, a couple years later, I’m not discussing my dating life with them at all and limit my contact with them. I second Christelyn’s recommendations, and agree with her statement that the Asian men in this situation are not inherently weak. Some of us with rigid families might actually retain some hope that things will somehow get better. I have learned that there’s not much hope for that in my situation. I will just have to view any negative reactions as “temper tantrums”, adhere to my boundaries, and be willing to let them go – as difficult as that may be.

KendraTaylor

Totally unrelated to this post, but is the blog relatable for you? I always assumeed that the blog had a fusion of white males, black women, or biracial/multiracial peoples for its audience, so it’s very interesting to come across a white woman in the comments (I should read more comments if it’s otherwise). Anyways, this blog tends to either talk about the negative aspects of black men or focuses on non-black men and the obstacles that can come with that. With that said, have you found communities where you can talk about your attraction to black guys? I’m a big fan of interracial couples no matter the pairing so I thought I’d ask. :] Have a fantastic day!

PurpleCurl

@KendraTaylor I listen to the points of view of anyone in IR relationships since they all deal with similar internal struggles, families or societal situations. I don’t focus on specifically my type of challenge or finding other white women that like black men. For the most part, I empathize with women in general stepping outside racial barriers to be true to themselves. If I come across negative comments regarding black men, it doesn’t turn me away since I’ve come across the really good and the really bad in my own experiences and know they’re not all the same.

Butterfly123

@PurpleCurl @KendraTaylor
I thought that this was a blog geared toward black female empowerment and not white women trying to improve relationships with black men. Forgive me moderators if that is the case. I personally have no interest in white women who want to come here and vent about their relationships with black men. I thought that this was a space for black women and other men. Again, excuse me if that is not the case…

PurpleCurl

@Butterfly123 @PurpleCurl @KendraTaylor I was relating, not venting. We all benefit when we relate and empathize.

KendraTaylor

Thanks for answering. I also don’t see you venting at all. I don’t know what the previous person was reading, but I didn’t get the vibe from your previous post. In fact, it was I that brought up your relationships :]

Key1

@KendraTaylor wow that was harsh.

thebear

I’m neither black nor asian but I’ve had few dates with a chinese girl. In my case, my parents are temporary staying with me. Yes, they’re fresh in the USA don’t speak a lot of English nor do currently earn enough to make a living on their own. Long story short, on 2nd and 3rd date she just kept going all the time during the dates that they or I should move out, and I didn’t even had sex with this girl yet. I’ve never got in touch afterwards with her. I also do have a chinese friend, sorta wingman; he”d be willing to stuck a conversation with any type of girl other than black so I think it’s some sort of inverse fetish for them (chinese). In my parents case, I’ve been pressured from them to marry someone of my own ethnicity, but I’ve made sure to let them understand that this is a matter where they have no word at and they’ve learned to deal with that. So I think is asian guys grow some balls, they can have their say on the matter but knowing a little bit their culture I doubt that this will happen often. Sorry to say these but take all the factors into consideration when get into a mixed race/ethnicity relationship, whatever it is. Peace!

As someone engaged to a an East Indian man with a friend who is also engaged to an East Asian man. We have both heard our fair share of “girl, watch out, they hate black people!” warnings.

I understand cultural sensitivity is necessary, but if something doesn’t work for you, it just doesn’t work for you, period the end, get out. I met my soon to be in-laws early on in the relationship. I flat out asked him before then whether or not his parents would have a problem with my race. He assured me it would be no problem, and it hasn’t been. His parents are not “Americanized” but he is. His mother is controlling or at least tries to be, but he has her at arms length when need be and has no problem telling her when to stay out of his/our business. She’s been nothing but loving and accepting towards me.

I think Christelyn is being very understanding here but failing to acknowledge a certain aspect of the dynamic between foreign born parents and their American born children. As someone with a foreign family I speak from experience. My mother can give you the silent treatment like there is no tomorrow.

The reason these boyfriends are running into these issues is because for years they played the passive aggressive, “yes man” game with their parents, never asserting themselves, ever. They simply did things behind their parents back in situations where their parents might not approve, or manipulated situations to make it seem like they were being good, obedient sons.

The thing is you can’t really hide a marriage to a black woman from your parents. So now they have to come clean. Assume the guy is in his early 30’s, so his mother has now had 30 something years of him doing whatever she wants (or so she thinks) and then all of a sudden he comes out of left field with something major like this. Of course she’ll go nuts. This is the consequence of playing the “good son” for all those years.

onmywayup

@Avoc42883 “The reason these boyfriends are running into these issues is because for years they played the passive aggressive, “yes man” game with their parents, never asserting themselves, ever. They simply did things behind their parents back in situations where their parents might not approve, or manipulated situations to make it seem like they were being good, obedient sons.”

As a child of immigrants, I’ve also played that game for years. So I am sympathetic about the whole Asian guy situation, I really am. I don’t think that a man in this situation is weak necessarily…it would take someone quite strong to break out of the pattern that he normally engages in. And to go against the insane resistance of his parents.

BUT at the same time, my sympathy won’t be taken so far that I am dragged along for years, wasting my reproductive years on a man who may or may not marry me. He needs to make his intentions clear right away so that neither of us is wasting our time.

Kels

So funny that as I was reading this very post, on OWN, actress Diane Farr, a white woman, was profiled and talked a little about meeting her Asian husband at 35 and how he was hesitant about their relationship because he knew his mother wouldn’t approve.

Infinity88

It’s sad that she is in that position but I guess it’s time for her to make a decision.

If he can’t make a decision and pick a side and put your foot down… its unattractive. I guess it’s because I’ve never been attracted to people that can’t think for themselves and stand up for what they want. I find it very challenging to take them seriously.

I guess some people must really love Asian men to put up with that dynamic. To each their own.

thecrazyartist

Dang, kudos to you for dealing with it for so long.

I would have given the ultimatum a long time ago “It’s me or your family”, or I would have just up and left.

I understand not getting along with the family 100%, I can understand different cultural views, but being disrespected on a regular basis whilst your honey does nothing is a big NO to me.

If this doesn’t work out know you have options, it’s not like you will never date again if you break up with him.

KendraTaylor

Understand this isn’t necessarily personal. Yes; their rejection based on race hurts you personally, but their bigotry really has nothing to do with you. Any non-Asian who isn’t white would most likely stir up this cluster-cuss.

Im going to have to disagree with you on this one. Asian parents -mostly immigrants- don’t want their sons or daughters dating outside the ethnicity. It doesn’t matter if the SO is asian, if they don’t share the same ethnicity. An example: one of my best friends is Hmong and when she said she was dating a Vietnamese young man, she flipped out to the point that my friend came to my house at 1am, crying. There’s a huge generational gap between Asian parents and their children with the children being judged by the criteria of their parents home country. In addition, the media isnt helping with the portrayal of people of color. Asian communities are force fed negative stereotypes where black men sleep with women and leave them pregnant, rob people left and right, and violently attack one another -not to mention being labeled as intellectually inferior. Black women are given the label as either naggy, ghetto, or uneducated which doesn’t cater to the collective asian stereotype of striving to be the best. These sterotypes aren’t just reinforced by asian ethnic groups but by Jaimacan and African peoples as well. Anywho, I could spend a whole day on this.

People need to understand all the responsibility that comes with the daughter-in-law role in Asian culture. In American culture the in-laws can help out but they’re generally independent, but the daughter-in-law is responsible for taking care of her mother-in-law in Asian culture. This post isn’t meant to increase the problems going on this relationship, but if she were to marry him, how could she relate to the mother-in-law that expects certain customs to be followed? I’m not saying that she should break her back bending over for a woman who hates her, but the son will most definitely be put in the middle more times than not. :/

Hmm. Also, I think we have to realize that each ethnic group might have some barrier (be it small or large) that they have to overcome if their children date interracially. For example, my father is White, but if I dated a Russian man, my mom would assume he was part of the mafia and try and relocate. :/

KendraTaylor

She flipped out–my best friend’s mom. Update: my best friend found an amazing guy who happens to also be Hmong and her family is pleased.

@KendraTaylor
These sterotypes aren’t just reinforced by asian ethnic groups but by Jaimacan and African peoples as well. Anywho, I could spend a whole day on this.
So true. I attended grad school with a Jamaican girl who absolutely loved me. However, I actually sat there and heard her tell a couple of white students “black americans say things about you that Jamaicans don’t” I stopped her in her tracks and said that’s not true. Jamaicans have all kinds of experiences with whites. Those with negative experiences say negative things. Those with positive experiences say positive things.

Butterfly123

@KendraTaylor
These sterotypes aren’t just reinforced by asian ethnic groups but by Jaimacan and African peoples as well. Anywho, I could spend a whole day on this.
So true. I attended grad school with a Jamaican girl who absolutely loved me. However, I actually sat there and heard her tell a couple of white students “black americans say things about you that Jamaicans don’t” I stopped her in her tracks and said that’s not true. Jamaicans have all kinds of experiences with whites. Those with negative experiences say negative things. Those with positive experiences say positive things.

LadyHumor

@Butterfly123 @KendraTaylor I consider myself an American Black Woman, but my parents are from Jamaica. I kind of view myself as ‘in-between’ the two cultures, per say, (Neither fully “American” nor “Jamaican” – some strange thing between XD) but I can pretty much agree with this statement. To be blunt, a lot of foreign-‘born’ black people, have a bad tendency to ‘look down their noses’ at regular Black Americans, especially the men. (My father pretty much told me point-blank that if I so much as looked at an American Black man he was going to disown me. O_O Strangely, that sentiment was also true for American white men as well, but not for Latinos. O_O’) So, in a really weird way, foreign-black folks can share this terrible similarity.

Brenda55

@LadyHumor @Butterfly123 @KendraTaylor
“To be blunt, a lot of foreign-‘born’ black people, have a bad tendency to ‘look down their noses’ at regular Black Americans, especially the men. (My father pretty much told me point-blank that if I so much as looked at an American Black man he was going to disown me”

What is said about American blacks especially the men? What is the reason for this attitude. Inquiring minds what to know.

LadyHumor

@Brenda55@Butterfly123@KendraTaylor
Well, my father (and at lot of his associates) would sit back and always say that the American Black men were, and I quote, “American Blacks are just lazy shiftless fools who always blame the white man for their problems, while never taking full advantage of all their ‘privileges’ and ‘opportunities.’

The ‘privilege’ and ‘opportunity’ thing was something that I always side-eyed him for, but from my father’s POV, American-born blacks had so much more opportunities to succeed then he ever did and he was angry that a lot of them were just ‘wasting it’. Example: He wanted to go to medical school here, but couldn’t get the loans, grants, and scholarships because of his foreigner status back in the 1980/90s.

However, to understand his ‘disrespect’ I should also mention that education is a BIG thing in Jamaica, especially among my parents’ generation. What rich people are here, is what educated people are there. If a person has a PHD behind their name down there, from what I’ve observed, they are almost treated like demi-gods! LOL.

Plus, because the education system down there is so tough, when they come here to study in this country a lot of them are like “How is it possible that they can’t pass these ‘easy’ things?” SMH. So, when someone like my Dad sees an American black person who doesn’t have a college degree, he’s like ‘You’ve done nothing with your life, boy!’ SMDH.

Brenda55

@LadyHumor @Butterfly123 @KendraTaylor
Not really surprised at this. When I was a nursing supervisor I saw for myself the difference in work ethic among native born blacks and those from other countries.

Is it a common thing to actively discourage relationships between American born blacks and those from Jamaica? And is this more against American born black men or American born black women?

keimiasmoon

@Brenda55 @LadyHumor @Butterfly123 @KendraTaylor Hmm, my family is from the Caribbean and they never discouraged me from having relationships with Black American men, though I never had one. I don’t think that it’s common considering the amount of mixed cultural marriages I see, but then again I’m from New York.

LadyHumor

@Brenda55 @Butterfly123 @KendraTaylor It’s not really actively discourage, per say, and I think it has to do with my family’s unique social circle as well. Both my parents are ‘old-country’ SDA Jamaicans and growing up in such an unique social group was like living in an alternate universe! LOL!

For example: When I was a kid I thought ALL black people went to college and that most black adults had their Masters or PHDs because most of the people in my family’s social group had such and such degree. When I was a teen, I thought that if a black person didn’t get one it was because their parents disliked them and was ‘punishing’ them. LOL! Imagine my surprise in high school when a lot of my fellow classmates said they weren’t going to college! SMH.

But, honestly, I think my family (and my relative circle) biases are mostly against the American Black men, in general. My father told my brother that it was okay for him to marry an American Black woman if he couldn’t find one related to the old country. (Yes, the double standard is eye-roll worthy.) So, it really just depends. Then again, some of my family members have openly stated that they didn’t ‘care for’ other black folks, as well. Especially, Haitians and Trinidadians! Those two groups seem to be the ‘arch-rivals’ of Jamaicans. LOL.

LadyHumor

@keimiasmoon @Brenda55 @Butterfly123 @KendraTaylor I’m on the West Coast – Southern Cali actually. (Where black people live in like…five places only! LOL.) I think its more to do with cultural differences than racial differences. (Plus my family has a unique social circle with its own ‘rules’. SMH) So, that could also be a part of the differences.

KendraTaylor

@LadyHumor @keimiasmoon @Brenda55 @Butterfly123 Hello southern neighbor. Nor Cal girl myself. And yes, the divide is mainly related to cultural differences. Also, I think African families or Afro-Caribbean peoples would try and distinguish themselves from African American men rather than the women. Of course black women have a stereotypical image within media outlets, but the overall picture painted of her is sassy, comedic, or nurturing whereas the majority of stereotypes for the black man center on him being violent, stupid, lazy, or a combination of all three.

LadyHumor

@KendraTaylor @keimiasmoon @Brenda55 @Butterfly123 Howdy Northerner! XD
I agree with you on that! It’s really a man-to-man dislike I think between the foreign black men and native black men. And could be due mostly to the negative stereotypes that all black men in America face because of it.

TraciBenjamin

WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE SUBJECT THEMSELVES TO THAT BULLSHIT? If I were dating a Black man and his mama was tripping like that, she could GET LOST. The same holds true for the relatives of non-Black men. I dont need to be accepted. If these folks are that racist I cant be bothered and he better man up or lose a good thing. Im just INCENSED by this behavior on the parents part but also wondering why anyone would endure abuse for love’s sake. If I wont accept it from someone who looks like me, I DAMN SURE wont from someone who doesnt! YEESH

Law Wanxi

Love the picture!

I know ‘that look’. Oh, yeah, I know that look.

Law Wanxi

@Law Wanxi
Here’s the younger version of ‘that look’: http://goo.gl/LztOQ

I get that look a lot.

IMHO, Asian men are kind of a lost cause; just not worth all the family drama. It’s sad, too, because if the Asian parents thought about it for more than one second, they’d realise that biracial-Black grandchildren have a better chance of being accepted as Americans than straight-up Asian grandchildren ever would. Case in point would be Tiger Woods; he looks like an American. I don’t. Americans come in two colours, black or white. If you don’t believe me, just ask any Latino.

I read your @Law Wanxi profile. Hilarious. You could do stand up. Just edit up some of your BB&W comments, deliver dead pan.

Your wisdom would be appreciated at the recent “Friend Zone” post.

DWB

@Law Wanxi “I get that look a lot.”

I BET you do!!!!!! LOL 😉

simply lois

@Law Wanxi”…Americans come in two colors, black or white.”
That was my childhood belief. Rarely was there Asians mentioned, except for December. I learned more about Native Americans and a wee petit of Hispanic Americans.

onmywayup

@Law Wanxi Your profile as @Aabaakawad mentioned is just way too funny. Wow!!

chocolate_fashionista

check out this video and fast forward to the fourth minute (4:00). several years ago, a south asian man named Chiman Rai had his black daughter-in-law KILLED because he felt she brought shame to the family. you’d never think he was a racist because he taught at an african-american university. but, you just never know. fortunately, this situation is very rare, but it shows an extreme case of the prejudice blasian couples face. how sad and pathetic!

and here’s an article about it: http://www.wsbtv.com/news/news/jury-dad-had-sons-wife-killed-because-she-was-blac/nD9jy/

how horrendous!!!!

Patricia Kayden

@chocolate_fashionista I remember this story well. Have you ever heard of an Asian family paying a hit man to kill their son or daughter’s WHITE husband/wife? Never. That says it all.

If your partner cannot invite you to meet his family within the first few months of your relationship, move the hell on. What are you wasting your time for? If they are ashamed of you at the beginning of the relationship, where will your relationship go?

chocolate_fashionista

@Patricia Kayden nope, you’re right. they would NEVER do that to a white person because so many of them worship white people! and it’s not just south asians that are color struck. ALL ASIANS are colorists!!!! if a bw decides to date an asian man she better vet!

DU2

@chocolate_fashionista I remember this story and the son seemed to “go along with it” Disgusting! I think he even disowned their child if I remember correctly. He was scum like his father.

Wow. What could be more insulting?
Ive thought about similar incidents such as this one.
And I always feel at my worst when I do– But this is very REAL.
Like, if my beau had to pick between his family and me.
… Ive said it before, and Ill say it again. I’d break up with him if it ever came to that.
I DONT want to be the reason a man disowns his OWN family.

Lili2009

If my parents were hateful and bigoted toward white men, why on earth would I romantically pursue a white man and subject him to such abuse as what this mother is doing to the woman in the story? It makes no sense! Women have to watch their own backs on this because although some men know good and well that their mothers will be hateful toward their lady (and threaten suicide?!?), apparently they don’t mind putting their girlfriends through this.

DWB

@Lili2009 “…why on earth would I romantically pursue a white man and subject him to such abuse…”

Because he LOVES you and would fight in the pits of HELL to be with you????

MySmile

@Lili2009
“…why on earth would I romantically pursue a white man and subject him to such abuse…”

I would not allow my family to dictate my dating life…

If I was really into a guy, and I had racist parents who disrespected my significant other, then I would not bring him around my family. That would be awkward and a disaster waiting to happen. My dating life would be my own personal business. I get where you’re coming from though. I think the two options should be:

A) put your foot down with your family….if this means cutting communication from family or just limited communication, not allowing them to disrespect your significant other, or simply not bringing your significant other around your family, then that’s what’s going to happen. If you know how they are, and you are serious about the person, that is the way things are going to have to be.

B) end the relationship…..otherwise, it’s just going to turn into a bunch of drama, animosity, resentment, and hurt feelings. If you are not comfortable going against your families wishes, then it’s best you don’t date people they disapprove of in the first place….

You are right that it is not fair to expect your significant other to have to deal with that. I suppose it’s different for males and females too, as a male looks even worse to me when he can’t protect his woman or stand up to his family…but even as a female, I wouldn’t subject a boyfriend or husband to that if I clearly knew my family couldn’t stand white people….even though he could stand up for himself (and us) against my family, I’m not going to set us up for failure….

onmywayup

@MySmile @Lili2009 Game, set, and match.

LorMarie

@Lili2009
I personally would cut my family off in favor of my own desires and relationships.

DU2

@Lili2009 People fall in love I do not think they pick these women to let their families use them for target practice, but I do believe if they are not willing to stand up for their relationship and will just “sit there”, they need to let them go.

I am with the women here who say VET THE HELL OUT OF THIS SITUATION. Black women though you are black and have all of the challenges that goes with it the racism, the outsider status you name it. You are Occidental none the less and not Oriental which is why IRRs with American and European men, though challenging, have a much higher success rate. It is a culture thing and you have much more in common with non Asian men then you do with Asian ones. Do your homework before you move in this direction.

For all of the lip flapping that goes on about white men wanting to experience the flavor of the week when it comes to black women realize that much the same is going on with the Asian guy also. They want to know if sex with you is as off the chain as all of those stereotypes they have grown up hearing
about. It is not just the big black dong legend it is the off the hook uninhibited jungle bitch legend as well. American entertainment and culture and non-black people have been imported world wide and got the false story out there first. We black women do not like much of how we are presented here in the US when we are on the scene to give the lie to what is presented. Think of living in a land where there are few of us. Think of viewing that content for generations. Then think of the other races and cultures who have not always had our best interest in mind when they answer questions like “What are black women really like?” and “Is it true what they say?”

I really do not fault these mothers for some of the actions that they take. The are defending their way of life and are willing to pull out all of the stops to accomplish that. It is not the American way but it is their way and the likely hood you changing that any time soon is slim. Mom has the weight of tradition and culture backing her. Your hand and that of your Asian rainbeau is much much weaker.

foreverhopeful

@Brenda55 I have never heard that saying before. I like it but you are right, Vet, Vet and Vet some more. You also manage to give me an education and something to think about. Thank You.

I have a crazy Asian mother. I’m not going to go into too much detail, because some very specific incidents of insanity occurred and could possibly be connected to individuals, and I’m not here to embarrass anyone.

The bottom line is that I had to choose, so I chose. Not only did I choose my wife, but I made sure to protect her from insanity even if it meant I suffered. It’s not her job to deal with another person’s issues. My job is to maintain the well-being of my own household. I know the difference between right and wrong. It would have been nice if my mother could have been a part of our family dynamic, but she chose to act as she acted and I am a very effective human shield.

The good news is that she eventually came around. Our child triggered some kind of grandparent hormone in her, and it’s obvious that she regrets missing out on so many things that other grandparents get to experience. We still have bad blood, but we keep things very cordial. She knows very well to stay on her good behavior because I will not tolerate BS when it comes to my own family.

One thing I often see when it comes to being Asian is that people tend to create some kind of mystical far-east cultural explanation for bad behavior. It’s no excuse. Men protect their women. This is a worldwide phenomenon. I don’t care what color they are or what culture they’re using as an excuse, but if he’s not going to protect you then you’re taking the hits alone. If an Asian man is unable to face his parents over his black girlfriend, then he really just needs to have an Asian girlfriend and not drag you into a mess you don’t deserve.

People in this thread keep talking about vetting. I’ll go one farther and say to keep your vetting consistent. Don’t change your standards because you think there’s a cultural issue at hand. If you would not tolerate a White man or a Black man who does not protect you, then don’t tolerate the Asian man who does not protect you. If you do tolerate that sort of thing… Good Luck.

BeautyIAM

@vthewriter

“The bottom line is that I had to choose, so I chose. Not only did I choose my wife, but I made sure to protect her from insanity even if it meant I suffered.”

“My job is to maintain the well-being of my own household.”

“One thing I often see when it comes to being Asian is that people tend to create some kind of mystical far-east cultural explanation for bad behavior. It’s no excuse. Men protect their women.”

“I don’t care what color they are or what culture they’re using as an excuse, but if he’s not going to protect you then you’re taking the hits alone.”

“She knows very well to stay on her good behavior because I will not tolerate BS when it comes to my own family.”

“If you would not tolerate a White man or a Black man who does not protect you, then don’t tolerate the Asian man who does not protect you.”

All of these quotes made your comment VERY EXCEPTIONAL. YES. YES, and YES to everything you said. The first quote was a little heartbreaking, but I understand what you mean.

It frustrates me that any woman would have to be subjected to such hatred. I can’t stand it. It is even worse for black women because of how many of us are already viewed. I think because of this, black women need to be very careful about the man they choose to be with. Speaking to any black woman, you do not deserve to be treated like dirt. You have to be with a man that is willing to fight with you. It is to emotionally draining for you to do it all on your own. I just can’t imagine being with a man that just sits there confused as hell as to what he should do. I really have no patients for that. The man needs to make up his damn mind quickly. Don’t just sit there having the woman you care about feeling like sh** because your family is bigoted.

EarthJeff

@BeautyIAM @vthewriter “I just can’t imagine being with a man that just sits there confused as hell as to what he should do. ”

I cant imagine it either. What is the confusion? What is the decision that you need to make? Support your woman. Period. End of story. If you are not willing to do that, and interracial relationship.

@vthewriter This is EXACTLY what I was going to say that Asian men do not get a pass just because of some cultural barrier. We speak on daily on living well and expecting the best and black women not allowing others to shyte on us and if this is something I would have to put up with, I would just pass on Asian men as a whole. I really appreciate you chiming in and putting forth that black women do not have to settle for this.

Browncow

@vthewriter *Standing Ovation* Thank you!!! I’m so happy that you chimed in on this one and told the TRUTH. This woman knows what she’s doing. She’s being mean, spiteful, nasty, and racist on PURPOSE with the hopes that the pressure will break them up. She also knows that people will give her a pass because she’s Asian and we all know that their cultures are mysterious and “spiritual” in “ways we don’t understand” like it’s some sort of sci-fi movie. B#LLS#!T. Nastiness is not a culture. Deliberate meanness is not a culture. Hate is not a culture. Like I’ve said before, Asian guys got no pass from me after my first boyfriend and believe me there were some really yummy pieces of Asian man candy after me. I kept them squarely in the friend zone and told them that though I was attracted to them, their family bulls#!t was enough to keep me from going down that road with them. End. Of. Story. If this guy will not man up, then he needs to be kicked to the curb.

MySmile

@Browncow @vthewriter
“Nastiness is not a culture. Deliberate meanness is not a culture. Hate is not a culture.”

Exactly!! There are no excuses for her behavior.

DWB

@Browncow @vthewriter “Nastiness is not a culture.”

It seems like a lot of people have MADE it one!!!!! =(

MySmile

@Browncow @vthewriter
I could see if she was just hesitant, or if it was a surprise and took some getting used to….. but she is straight up mean and nasty!!!

vthewriter

@Browncow @vthewriter That’s pretty much it. To clarify, the rest of my family accept my wife as one of their own. My mother was the only one with a problem. So now we have all these people within the same “culture” who have very different attitudes about the same person.

I’ve lived, worked, and traveled all over the world. Spent a lot of time through Asia, Europe, and Central America. From my experience, people are really the same everywhere and culture is not as intense as everyone makes it out to be. I’ll be as bold as to make that statement that you and everyone you know has a twin in every country on this planet. The only thing culture does is teach you the proper way to order a beer.

EarthJeff

@Browncow @vthewriter “Nastiness is not a culture. Deliberate meanness is not a culture. Hate is not a culture. ”

No, and they are all LEARNED behaviors and are all a CHOICE. Mean, nasty, and/or hateful people are CHOOSING to be that way.

KingsDaughter

@EarthJeff @Browncow @vthewriter The truth!

onmywayup

@vthewriter Wonderful comment. Thanks for your input.

Yvonne472

@vthewriter I would like to say thank you. You are truly a man of wisdom and common since, with a backbone. Men are suppose to protect their women, their children no matter what there mixture is. I love it ! What the hell happen with that ! If one can’t deal with the entrench culture of one’s parent, why go there. I’m a mother of four adult daughters, and twelve grandchildren, seven girls and five boys . Most are mix race, like myself , my mother, and grandparents. We are a family of rainbow mutts, and I would not change a thing. With that being said, I don’t think any parent has the right to dominate there children exitance. To stay deliberately ignorant, because of traditions and culture is where shame comes in. If an Asian parent thinks looking at television is a true pictorial of black folks live, then it’s time to turn off the tube, and pick up an actual book and do a little foot work for yourself, speak to those of a different culture or race. I myself is learning the Japanese language . I am a lover of histories, many different histories, I do a lot of research. I love traditions and different cultures, and people, but I will not let them dominate my life. Asian mothers, should love there children, and respect there mates no matter what color they are. Don’t burden them with treats of killing yourself , because he’s with that black girl. I think Asian mothers need to develop a back bone also and stop worrying about what the neighbor think. Love your grandchild, for they are also a part of you. You can have your own little united nation. Again to the writer, you are a man of intelligence, and wisdom, not because your Asian, but just a man. You and yours will fair well in life……….. Thank you

vthewriter

@Yvonne472 Wow, thank you. That was far too kind. I appreciate the words, but at the same time it kind of makes me sad. In my mind I’m just doing what I’m supposed to do. It’s a shame that this seems to be unusual.

Good luck with your studies. The Japanese language is actually pretty fun the way everything just seems to roll off your tongue.

Patricia Kayden

@vthewriter “If an Asian man is unable to face his parents over his black girlfriend, then he really just needs to have an Asian girlfriend and not drag you into a mess you don’t deserve.”

Preach! Exactly my thinking. If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

NYMan

@vthewriter You sound like a real mensch, V!

vthewriter

@NYMan @vthewriter Thank you. I had to Google “mensch.” It’s a great word. I’m going to start using it.

LorMarie

@vthewriter
The best response so far!

DU2

@vthewriter Thank you for representing! I Have crushed on AM for a while but most do not take your stance, I wish more would.

Thank you for sharing!

guest916

My suggestion to anyone is this situation is stop wasting your time and get out. Sure, you might be fine now, but if you decided to get married and have children, it’s just gonna get worse. My best friend is Chinese and married a black guy and her family basically disowned her until she got divorced. Then they wanted her to basically abandon her daughter with her former in-laws and come back to CA to go to college which they would pay for. When she re-married (another black man), they just gave up on her for a while. But her second daughter came out looking almost 100% Chinese so they were actually more accepting that time around.

My own experience with this was that I dated a Chinese guy right out of high school for 3 years. I never went to his house and never met his parents (just his Aunt and Uncle who was white) the whole time we dated. I had been through the racist parent stuff before so I usually asked about that first, but since we were such good friends, I didn’t think there would be a problem. I was wrong. Anyway, I cheated on him a a lot because I was was looking for a way out of the relationship but I was too immature to just end it. When I did, I finally told him I couldn’t be with him if his family couldn’t accept me. I had already seen what my friend had been though with her family.

In my situation, dating my husband, who is white, was a cakewalk compared to dating my ex. We don’t get as many stares or deal with any family drama. The worst was going to Chinese restaurants with my ex because they would talk so much shit and my ex would have to listen to that nonsense the whole time. Who needs it. Life is too short to be dealing with that BS. I have never felt so happy and so free in any relationship I have to say than the one with my husband.

MySmile

I think a lot of men, particularly those from more traditional cultures, need to figure out how their family feels about black people either before they get into the relationship or at the beginning of the relationship. Soon after, they should decide how much their family’s opinion matters and whether or not they want to go through with the relationship. This will make it easier on everyone. There are too many assumptions being made and a lot of people act surprised when their parents disapprove. Know your family, people!

onmywayup

@MySmile “Know your family, people!”

I wonder about this. I find it hard to believe that people don’t know that their parents are racist, or don’t want someone marrying someone from x culture or race. For example, my parents try to be PC most of the time, but I do know how they would react depending on the background of the man I bring home. In my parents’ case–it’s not flat out acceptance or rejection of whatever culture; there are degrees of acceptance/rejection and various concerns that may arise depending on where the guy is from.

I sometimes wonder if guys who claim not to know their parents are racist are in complete denial, or they didn’t expect their relationship with a black woman to become serious so consider parents’ disapproval a non-factor, or what. My take on this is don’t date black women if you can’t bring them home to parents or are not willing to risk leaving your family behind. Be forward-thinking in cases like this–stop pretending that you don’t know how your parents feel, or that just because it’s not serious with your black gf now that it would never get serious enough for you guys to want to marry each other.

MySmile

@onmywayup
Exactly!!!! I find it hard to believe as well!! You most likely grew up seeing how your parents interacted with people of different colors or hearing their comments about people on tv or in the media…

I do think a lot of it has to do with being naive and the PC things many non black parents tell their children about loving and accepting everyone..until they bring home a black person. A lot of non black people think racism against black people is a thing of the past, unfortunately. Some will only recognize racism if it’s super blatant. Plus, it’s not always obvious hatred for another race…sometimes it’s generalizations, ignorance, etc….so that can be a gray area sometimes..

Nobody wants to believe their family is racist so they just stay in denial. Many also feel personal guilt and feel it reflects badly upon them. It only makes you look bad if you don’t stand up against it. Just because your family is racist, that doesn’t mean you are and just because you are not racist, that doesn’t mean your family isn’t …though a lot of the time, that stuff is passed down…..

onmywayup

@MySmile Exactly. I’ve never understood why people can be in such denial about racist, bigoted, prejudiced, or ignorant attitudes. Like you said, people make comments every now and then in the privacy of their own home.

I have no problem owning that my parents have generalized, prejudiced views about certain cultures. If I fell for a guy in one of those cultures who was serious about marrying me and passed all my vetting tests, I would let everyone (man, family, whoever) know what’s up. If I’m marrying the man, I’m going to marry him with or without my parents’ approval. I know that in the long run they will probably accept the marriage, and if not then they made the choice not to love their child unconditionally. *shrugs*

So I guess what I’m saying is I see that a lot of young people feel icky about admitting the racism or ignorance that still goes on, but ignoring it is not going to do anything. It may actually end up hurting your significant other. I’m sad to see it come to situations like the one mentioned in the post.

MySmile

@onmywayup Same here! Most of us make generalizations and have fear of the unknown sometimes… It’s almost human nature. It’s not an excuse to be hateful or mean spirited towards people though. My parents probably wouldn’t be too excited if I brought home a Middle Eastern guy who was a Muslim, especially if he wore a turban or other ethnic clothing …but the chances of this happening are slim to none, not attracted to most, plus, talk about a culture clash and I don’t like heavily religious men, but still….They would probably worry about my personal safety and assume he’d be too controlling…there would definitely be some hesitation and fear there, like with most Americans.. They are also pretty religious (Christian) so they wouldn’t care for the whole him being a Muslim thing either..and they probably wouldn’t be too thrilled if I married an Indian guy and wore a sari to my wedding.

If I really wanted to marry the guy though, I would. It is ultimately up to the decision of the person who is getting married, of course. I don’t live for my parents. I’m pretty sure they would at least come to my wedding or let us come over the house, even if they didn’t particularly care for our relationship, they’d probably get used to it. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be rude to him, but I’d probably have to hear some comments when he wasn’t around. At least I’d be real with the guy about my parents possibly disapproving of our relationship. Like I said, I typically don’t date guys from extremely traditional cultures anyway, because I have no desire to, but if I wanted to, I would.

Lili2009

Maybe it’s my age or the fact that I’ve been married 7 years and know how wonderful it is to have supportive family on both sides, but, there are far too many fish in the sea to put up with stomach-churning stress over aggressively racist and disrespectful in-laws. I guess it’s my personality that would never expose myself to a hateful mother of a boyfriend or an in-law–having to win them over with gifts, etc. It’s cringe-worthy. If I were the type to subject myself to this for a man I love, then I’d have to accept “the new normal” and learn how to cope because I don’t think there’s any changing a woman like this man’s mother.

GoneInternational

@Lili2009 I have to agree with this. I used to think that I would take the “us against the world” approach, but now I would totally leave. It’s not only my goal to have a loving and supportive husband, I expect his family to be nothing less than loving and supportive of me as well. So at this point in my life, I would leave someone whose parents felt negatively about me.

BeautyIAM

I really wish Relationships between Black women and Asian men could be this simplistic. No drama, just love.

ambitiousdreamer

So I’m in a somewhat similar situation and I’m really torn as to what to do. My boyfriend is a first-generation Chinese American (very Americanized) and we’ve been dating for over three years now. We met at church and he is almost exactly what I want in a man. He is kind, funny, religious, respectful, fits in well with my family, and is just an all around good man. He’s been with me through the roughest stretch of my life and has supported me in everything I do. I’ve met his siblings and they treat me like family. Things are a bit tough since we’re long distance (I’m in Atlanta and he’s in Philly), but we see each other every couple of months and talk on the phone every other day. In short, he makes me happy. The only problem is that I’ve never met his parents. My boyfriend comes from an abusive household with a domineering father, so his relationship with his parents is tenuous at best, but he hasn’t even told them we’re dating (they’re not supposed to date because if you’re dating you’re not studying. And they’re especially not supposed to date non-Asians). Around New Year’s, I explained to him how much family means to me and asked if I could meet his mother (I don’t care about his dad cause I don’t need all that evil in my life). He just looked stricken, put his head in his hands, and told me that “It’s tough”. Upon further prodding, he told me that his parents would cut him off (even though he’s their Golden Boy, I believe him), that his mother wouldn’t like me because 1) I’m black, 2) I’m not a size 0, and 3) I don’t speak Cantonese (he tried to put it kindly, but yeah…i got the message), and that he could do it in a couple years once he finished his doctorate program and no longer had to depend on them for a place to stay when he comes home to Illinois. I was floored. I wasn’t asking for a lot, just to meet the woman or at least have her know that I existed in her son’s life. I ended up telling him that I would wait, but definitely not for two years because I deserve better than that (he agreed). So now I don’t know what to do. On one hand I have a good man who I could really see myself marrying, but on the other hand I’m 24 and I’m wasting my prime years on someone who is afraid to stand up to his parents at 25 years old. Thoughts? (Sorry for the extra long post, btw. This is been on my soul for the longest.)

Patricia Kayden

@ambitiousdreamer You may have to give him an ultimatum. You can’t change the fact that you’re Black so if that’s a nonstarter with his parents, he’s going to have to make a difficult choice. Either go with you and hope his parents change their thinking or let you go and let his parents choose a more “suitable” girl for him.

Glad that you’ve let him know that you’re not willing to wait around for 2 years. And yes, you don’t want to waste too many years on this man if he can’t stand up to his parents. What will your married life be like if he allows his parents to dictate his life?

Good luck.

Brenda55

@ambitiousdreamer
1. Read vthewriter’s post below.

2. Ask yourself where you will be at age 26 if once again he says he has to postpone meeting mom yet again because mom and dad have to support him until he gets established in his career, or until he can pay them back the money that they paid for his schooling or a thousand other reasons.
The string along, is the string along coming from a black man or white or Asian. Either way you are in a holding pattern.

3. What are you not doing, what part of your life are you not living while waiting for him to get out from under his family’s financial support?

4. This one is tough but take a good hard look. Are you what they used to call a “port wife”. No need to practice celibacy when you can get your needs met otherwise and with out the pressure of actually having to make and keep promises with a woman of your own culture. Are you just the convenient place holder until he is ready to marry IAW ie Ideal Asian Woman.

5. Are you willing to trade one of your strongest cards in your dating and marriage deck, your youth, waiting for this man? Remember while your are playing “Waitie Katie” for Mr. Long Distance Love men in your age range are dating and marrying other women? That Wait stuff worked out for Kate but then she was actually living with the good prince.

What this boils down to is the fact that you are being made to wait years for what other woman get within weeks of meeting the man in their life. Acknowledgement that you are a part of his life.
Sure you met his siblings. Meaningless. It is his parents that count. What you have now is the kids putting one over of the folks.

You are being made to wait years because to do other wise is an inconvenience and threat to your man’s life plan. But what about yours? What are your plans worth? Are his qualities THAT unique that you will sacrifice all on a maybe? Because at this point that is all you have.

Black women want marriage and a family with a quality man so bad that they will make all kinds of sacrifices to get it. That has not gone unnoticed. It is why we allow black men to offer scraps and for some allow rainbeaus to do the same. Truthfully at 24 you are in your strongest position right now to find the man you want. Three years is enough. Move him to friend status and date other guys locally if you do not want to fully break it off with you current BF. He is offering you very little and you owe him the same.

Lannie

@Brenda55 @ambitiousdreamer This is amazingly great advice Brenda. I’ve truly learned something from reading this response of yours. Big time. I honestly didn’t think of her situation from this perspective. I guess I would’ve been that “sacrificial” chick had I not read this comment. See, this is why I love blogs like BB&W. Folks don’t get it. It’s nothing but a wealth of knowledge many of us never gained from our own mothers on these BWE sites. Love it.

*puts this post in favorites folder* lol

Bellatrix79

@ambitiousdreamer You should date other people…

Angel92

@ambitiousdreamer Move on to another man and relationship. You have already wasted three good years. My Asian husband stood up to his parents and took me right away after the marriage ceremony to meet them even though his dad left the house because he didn’t want to meet me. My husband even disowned his family. I know it was a hard choice to make although he said it wasn’t. If I were you I would move on otherwise you will grow bitter, lose your confidence and hate his family, who you will probably never meet. If you found him you can find someone who thinks the world of you and isn’t afraid to show you off to the world and everyone in it. Your boyfriend sounds like a confused, selfish child. I’m sorry but it’s true.

onmywayup

@ambitiousdreamer I know it’s going to be difficult, but you know what you should do. You should really consider disengaging from him and putting him in the friend zone. It may take losing you to change his mind, but if it doesn’t, then you will have moved on in time for you to look for another suitable mate.

I just have to say, it really kills me when men do things like this. If he knew that his parents wouldn’t approve and that he didn’t have the backbone to stand up to them, then why did he engage in a relationship with you in the first place? This is a cause of unnecessary hurt for you–and actually, for him, too. I’m shocked at the lack of foresight going on in these situations.

PamelaFoster

@onmywayup @ambitiousdreamer
I’m waving my white hanky now!!!

Lily

@ambitiousdreamer You’re going to “wait”? You’ve already been with him three years! Please tread carefully. I feel so bad for you. I don’t know what to tell you, but if it were me, I would have a contingency plan.

Bellatrix79

@ambitiousdreamer He wants his cake and to eat it too. What if he doesn’t marry you after you waited? You just wanted months, years(!) of your life that you will never get back. Basically, you should say you want to see other people and if we are somehow drawn to each other after you finish your PhD (and we are both single), then maybe we can work at it again.

But I am willing to bet that he will find someone and get married after you guys break up like crazy fast and to his parents liking.

LorMarie

@ambitiousdreamer
I’m going to go on a different route of advice than the other ladies here. Have you ever seen your boyfriend angry? Angry whether at you or someone else? The reason I ask is because you mentioned that he comes from an abusive home with a domineering father. Young men face one of two choices when coming to that kind of environment. They reject abuse (maybe get therapy) or they BECOME the men their fathers were/are. If you’ve seen him under trying circumstances and he kept his cool, then fine. If not, you might want to consider vetting some more.

As for waiting, that’s a toughy. I don’t think I would wait but then again, I don’t know enough about your relationship. Just decide if you really WANT to wait for find someone else. Perhaps there is a guy that isn’t so dependent on his family and won’t need their approval instead of waiting 10 years for a doctorate.

onmywayup

@LorMarie @ambitiousdreamer Ooh…LorMarie…good point regarding the abuse! People in those sorts of situations (I would say something similar for children of alcoholics, for example) need to actively reject their upbringing, otherwise they can end up unwittingly repeating it!

simply lois

@LorMarie That was a good point. She really should think about the unnecessary family drama. Then he is coming from an abusive back ground… to much unnecessary drama. I would rather be single (for a little bit) and happy.

Yvonne472

@ambitiousdreamer Strictly my opinion, don’t wait to long, because you will look around one day and you’ll be turning forty. If your Golden Boy really cares about you and the relationship, he would go ahead and tell his parent about you, face what ever reaction they have, and if they cut him off , so what, there are programs they would help with collage, he says he only has two years left , great ! If they put him out , fine, he can find another place to stay, most likely with you and your family help. His parents will probably never change, to rapped

MySmile

This thing is acting weird. .It won’t let me post my replies because it says they are over the 8000 character limit even though I checked on word processor and they clearly weren’t…not sure if I’m the only one this is happening to…

Christelyn

I got this as a source from someone on the fan page. It’s about Indians and arranged marriages, but it really does get down to the whole family dynamics things that is similar in Asian culture as a whole:

@chocolate_fashionista @onmywayup LOL what?!! I feel terrible for laughing but this entire thing is insane!

AminahMatthews

Umm, this will sound a little cruel but I say let her a$$ go ahead and fall on that Samurai sword….lol…HARD! Because it doesn’t make any sense to be that damn crazy, ignorant and disrespectful. What kills me is the fact that she reached out to his family so they could get to know her and they delibrately sh*tted on her gift and in her face. His mom obviously don’t know you wont get into heaven by killing yourself and filled with so much hate. To hell she will go. And if it comes to that, then that’s to bad for her. I would rather be a laughing stock of the Vietnamese community then to die and go to hell full of hate and burn for an eternity.

onmywayup

@AminahMatthews Lmao at your reply. Yeah, if she thinks the worst thing that can happen to her is her son marrying a black woman, then she needs to get some real world exposure. Quick. How concerned we humans can be about trivial things sometimes.

kia

Black women! – When in an interracial relationship! If the man your dating/marrying refuses to stand up to racist family members! You don’t have to stay with him! Why would any woman build a life and have kids with a man who sits back and lets his family abuse her – especially over her race! That is not a real man! That’s a beta man! Find an alpha man! Alpha men do what they want in life and date/marry who they want! You don’t tell his family members who to date/marry – The same goes for them policing their son’s dating/marriage choices! There’s millions of men on the planet who will defend their women! You don’t have to stay with men who refuse to defend you! Half the time racist family members are bluffing and will bully and say anything to get their adult kids to do what they want! – And even if they’re not bluffing, who cares! Your not dating/marrying his family!

Blanc2

100% agreed. My family embraced my black wife unequivocally, and it has all been good. Nothing remarkable about my family — middle class, Midwestern, whitebread. But open minded and family-first, no matter what hue that family happens to have in her skin.

MySmile

@kia l

MySmile

@kia Okay, this is kind of a long story, but I just wanted to share my experience with rude and racist family members. My ex boyfriend’s (white) mom and sister (dad was deceased) loved me, but sister’s partner’s teenage children were something else. They would just conveniently start talking about how ghetto most black people are while I was around. They also told their little brother to “stop acting like ghetto trash” once. He even used the n word on facebook before (with the er at the end) and claimed that he can use it all he wants because it means any ignorant person (in that case he’d be a perfect example)… I set him straight on that one.

I eventually got upset that my ex expected me to just get along with them for a few hours and keep the peace. I don’t continually go where I know I am going to be disrespected. My ex didn’t say much to his nephew around me, but he said he pulled him aside when I wasn’t around. According to his nephew, he didn’t see me as black, but rather a “special snowflake” or a “white black person”. His niece’s ex boyfriend was also racist (loved to make fun of black people on facebook, but was quiet as a mouse in person) and apparently they have a friend who is a member of the KKK living with them now…go figure… My ex doesn’t live with them though…He told me that they have talked trash about Hispanics before, so what made him think they wouldn’t talk trash about me?

He swore up and down they weren’t racist but that they just had big mouths and liked to start stuff but why was that so hard for him to see that they didn’t like black people and were severely lacking in class and tact.. He stood up for me to an extent, but he didn’t do enough. If that was me now, I’d have more than a few choice words to say to all of them… My next boyfriend will definitely be someone who has no problem protecting me and putting someone in their place!

MySmile

@kia I just wanted to share my experience with rude and racist family members. My ex boyfriend’s (white) mom and sister (dad was deceased) loved me, but sister’s partner’s teenage children were something else. They would just conveniently start talking about how ghetto most black people are while I was around. They also told their little brother to “stop acting like ghetto trash” once. His Nephew even used the n word on facebook before (with the er at the end) and claimed that he can use it all he wants because it means any ignorant person (in that case he’d be a perfect example)… I set him straight on that one.

I eventually got upset that my ex expected me to just get along with them for a few hours and keep the peace. I don’t continually go where I know I am going to be disrespected. My ex didn’t say much to his nephew around me, but he said he pulled him aside when I wasn’t around. According to his nephew, he didn’t see me as black, but rather a special snowflake or a “white black person”. His niece’s ex boyfriend was also racist (loved to make fun of black people on facebook, but was quiet as a mouse in person) and apparently they have a friend who is a member of the KKK living with them now…go figure… My ex doesn’t live with them though…He told me that they have talked trash about Hispanics before, so what made him think they wouldn’t talk trash about me?

He swore up and down they weren’t racist but that they just had big mouths and liked to start stuff but why was that so hard for him to see that they didn’t like black people and were severely lacking in class and tact.. He stood up for me to an extent, but he didn’t do enough. At least he wasn’t the type to let his family dictate his life though. If his family gave him an ultimatum or something, I highly doubt he would have chosen them (they didn’t have the best relationship in the first place). If that was me now, I’d have more than a few choice words to say to all of them… My next boyfriend will definitely be someone who has no problem protecting me and putting someone in their place!

EarthJeff

@MySmile @kia “He swore up and down they weren’t racist but that they just had big mouths and liked to start stuff ”

Ah…. no, the WERE racist.. geez. He was really in that much of denial?

MySmile

@EarthJeff @kia
Lol yes!!! I suppose he was. Like I was saying below most people don’t want to admit that their family or friends are racist because they feel it reflects badly upon them. I also don’t think he took them that seriously because of their ages, but when you’re on the receiving end of the racist and spiteful comments, it is serious. He was only fooling himself because he wasn’t fooling me… I knew how they felt about black people…

AminahMatthews

@MySmile What you went through with your ex are some of the reasons why alot of black women stay away. SMH.

MySmile

@AminahMatthews @MySmile
True!! I’m not trying to discourage anyone but I would strongly encourage other bw to find a man who is willing to stand up for them or put his foot down when it comes to family (that means cutting them off if it needs to happen)… the good part about it was after the first few months of our relationship (when he moved out of his sister’s house) we didn’t have to see them that much!!!

MySmile

@AminahMatthews
I could have lived with the fact that they were racist, but I couldn’t live with having to be around them. If someone is willing to cut racist family members off then it’s cool…but the fact that he cared so much about those relationships really upset me….I don’t care how cool someone is otherwise, if they’re racist, they’re racist….

Morenika

Ok, I hate to be mean spirited but let the mothers go ahead and jump or fall on the swords, the racism and ignorance will die with them. Second, When our soldier went to war in Vietnam, Many found love interest and created babies, the same with China. These Mothers should be ashamed of themselves for putting their children through hell. Shame on them. It is true most black people do not live like the acts of crime played out in the ABC/NBC dramas….

JuneBug277

I agree with you ladies who said that they should have just told the horrible mother to go on with it and save everyone the drama. She sounds like a manipulative witch!She is way too selfish to kill herself, trust me. This all just a ploy. I agree with @kia who said it is all just a bluff. People like that are too self centered to kill themselves, using suicide(which is a very serious issue) as black mail. She is probably just reaching out for whatever tactic to scare her son. I too would have simply told her to go ahead, what is she waiting for? I don’t care.

simply lois

I don’t think I would tell a guy’s Mom to go and hurt herself. LOL, I might think it, say it to her face? No. Remember, most of these men still love their Moms…even if she is wrong.

Avoc42883

Since a few people have commented about how their asian partner’s family has reacted, can anyone who has been in a similar situation share how your own family reacted knowing that your partner’s family didn’t accept you? Did you get any “I told you so’s?”

Lannie

@Avoc42883
Good question.

Jules1

People need to realize that love just ain’t enough. It is likely the only time a black woman will be easily accepted by her partner’s Asian family is if she comes from a family of a higher standing than they are, and there is still no guarantee in that. There is no point jumping through hoops of fire and twisting yourself into a pretzel so someone’s family can like you, you can’t make anybody like you. Furthermore, nobody should be working that hard or waiting for grand-children to come along in the hopes the tide will change.

Even with these obstacles there are opportunities to successfully date and marry an Asian man stress-free. Try dating the ones from the Caribbean, those who were adopted by whites families, and those who are Christians. So you will have to vet well and ask the tough questions before you get your heart deeply involved and become unwilling to untwine yourself . There is one other way too, but it’s too out there for most people so i won’t even bother to mention it. Vet, vet, vet!

Purescents

I can relate to this foolishness.What’s worse it was on the low. She made sure any hood foolery was done while my husband wasn’t around. It got better after the my son was born. Slightly better. Anyway, what goes around comes around. When she got married her mother in-law to be had her running through hoops. I was so glad I got to see it first hand. She has changed a lot since then. She still has issue with my race . It’s something she has to work through not me. What is so sad is that its not just a ethnicity issue but her losing her son. I would have gladly shared him if not for her purposeful intent to hurt and control or relationship.

EarthJeff

Ok…. I love my mother, but if she wanted to force me to the choice of her or my mate… I would instantly pick my mate every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I would hope my mom would be able to be accepting, but and either/or choice? No brainer….

SirLoinDeBeef

@EarthJeff Mine tried – I was disowned and disinherited – legal-sounding gobbledy-gook about taking my family name away from me.

Reinstated a decade later.

Forgave … yes – forgot … never!

Lannie

@SirLoinDeBeef @EarthJeff
ohmygoodness 🙁

JaymesA

“Let’s start beating around the bush, there is “Power in Perception” the status of black people in the eyes of most of America has been stagnant since the journey out of slavery, other nations have watched a people have been demonized and scrutinized rise out of the ashes of nothing to a peak of acceptance, but for the most part, black people are still perceived as inferior when it comes to a number of issues. So perhaps the future the Asian mother see for her son is clouded because of her perceptions of the black race in general.

JaymesA

“Let’s stop beating around the bush, there is “Power in Perception” the status of black people in the eyes of most of America has been stagnant since their journey out of slavery, other nations have watched a people, who have been demonized and scrutinized, rise out of the ashes of nothing to a peak of acceptance, but for the most part, black people are still perceived as inferior when it comes to a number of issues. So perhaps the future the Asian mother see for her son is clouded because of her perceptions of the black race in general.

MySmile

@JaymesA This is pretty much the truth. Most of us realize that black Americans have an “image problem” and a bad reputation but most of us here are not contributing to that and unfortunately we can’t make other people “act right”. Some people are going to think what they want to think no matter what you do or how you act though. I know how I am perceived to some people (as inferior). I am very good at picking up on stuff like that. That’s their problem though. I’m not inferior to anyone and it ticks me off when I come across people with a superiority complex. Anyways, yes I do think it has to do with perceptions of the black race because she would probably be jumping for joy if her son brought a white girl home. A lot of Asians are colorstruck. It is partially about culture, tradition, and ethnicity, but it’s definitely about race too.

Blanc2

Was your use of “gung ho” intentioally ironic? It’s a Chinese-derived word that has been incorported into American English.

But as to the point of the post, I recently read an interersting article about the so-called “Tiger Mom” phenomenon. The gist of the article is that Asian moms tend to derive their own sense of self worth through the accomplishments of their children. Thus, they tend to live vicariously through them, hence the Tiger Mom.

In addition, many Asian cultures are “face” cultures — meaning one’s reputation, or the amount of public respect one can command (“saving face”), is paramount. Many traditional Asian cultures harbor racist view toward American blacks, especially in Southeast Asia where American GI’s sired and then abandoned hapa babies.

Add that together and it’s not too hard to grock the source of this hardcore resistance from Asian moms. Not that I’m trying to justify or excuse it, merely explain it.

joifulli

@Blanc2 The reputation of white people are not unblemished yet asians seem to worship them. They also left babies behind in time of war.

simply lois

@joifulli
I read one of the saving graces for most white people is when one w/p person or group of white people do something wrong there is another wp or w/group ready to clean up their mess. Hence this is one reason why many wp will keep a pretty good reputation. Think of past wars the U.S. usually led by a w/male will help rebuild that a country. It also does not not hurt that many own various media outlets…one can publish what he or she wishes.

PamelaFoster

@joifulli @Blanc2
Yes indeed! I saw this first hand when stationed in Korea in 89′. The kids were called Eurasian back then and were pitied by the American military and shunned by the Korean population. Every year when we did the combined forces campaign (giving to charities), we were “encourage” to check he Eurasian children block since so many GIs were getting Korean women pregnant while there on a year tour. Only to return back to their wife and carry on like nothing ever happened. It was an embarrassment to the US military but what could be done?? Tell those trifling GIs to keep it in their pants or use a condom….

DU2

@PamelaFoster @joifulli @Blanc2 That is low of those military guys, but like you said what can you do? But is still stinks and I wish there was a way to make them accountable!

simply lois

@Blanc2
I have to mention…those children where also half white. Just saying……

SirLoinDeBeef

@Blanc2 What is a ‘hapa’ baby? – and why is that bad, within the culture you know and speak of?

I find it fascinating that you can ‘zero-in’ on the use of ‘Gung-Ho,’ and yet still use the term ‘grock’ so easily … particularly since Heinlein’s been dead, lo these many years.

Lannie

@SirLoinDeBeef @Blanc2

I think she said it was “bad” because the women with those babies were abandoned by the fathers of their babies, the soldiers.

@SirLoinDeBeef @Blanc2 Hapa is Hawai’ian (slang?) for “all mixed up” — in particular a mixed person. The word has spread outside Hawai’i. It’s usually not a derogatory reference in Hawai’i, just descriptive.

joifulli

The whole thing is RIDICULOUS! A friend of mine is married to a man who is part asian and part white. Her asian father in law married a white woman and his family did not approve because “she is not like us”. He was an emergency room physician well respected in his field and did so much for his family. Provided for them when needed and sponsored them when coming to the U.S. He did love his family but had to let them go. I assume they must have never loved him in the first place in order to be able to let him go and turn their backs on him that way. An indian friend of mind said I don’t understand asian culture but cultural differences are a pretty lame excuse for mistreating or abusing someone. They never made amends with him until the day he died. All I could think was what disgraceful and stubbornly ignorant behavior.

Infinity88

@joifulli
Thats so sad.

“An indian friend of mind said I don’t understand asian culture but cultural differences are a pretty lame excuse for mistreating or abusing someone.”

I completely the agree with this the cultural excuse is lame. An acceptable cultural excuse is you like to eat crickets or [insert another food strange to me]. Not an excuse for allowing the mistreatment of certain people based on culture. Nobody gets a pass.

thecrazyartist

@joifulli
In my class there is a girl who is half Korean half white, her and her brother are 22 and have not spoken to or seen their grandparents in 18 years. They are just about everything you would want in a grandchild, good looking, hard working, smart, and polite. Yet their grandparents want nothing to do with them. Their mother decided it was best to cut the grandparents out because her babies were being treated like dirt and she didn’t want them to grow up thinking they were “tainted” or “inferior”. Mom and dad are basically john and yoko v 2.0, so fun loving and free, learning this about her(from her own mouth) shocked me.

Law Wanxi

OK, two things.

I asked my grandmother about the suicide thing and it’s all threats. She only knew of one woman who actually died and it was more accidental than anything. The woman, Chinese, took all the western and traditional medicine in the house and went to bed with a note on her chest, knowing full well that her husband and son would be home in 15 minutes to save her. Long story short, they were four hours late getting home and although the hospital where Grandmother Chu worked did all they could, the woman woke up a day later with no functioning liver. She extracted a promise from her son that he wouldn’t marry “that unworthy girl”, a lower class Chinese girl and promptly expires. She told my grandmother that she never intended to die, but didn’t anticipate not being found in time.

The second is this: http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/asian-woman-dating-asian-men-jenny-an

This woman barely scratches the surface on why 40% of Asian-American woman “marry out”, a percentage higher than any other group, except for, maybe, Black Males. There are a lot of other reasons Asian women marry out and she really soft-balls her way around those, not even mentioning most of them.

I know this is not what some of you WANT to hear, but maybe, just maybe, it’s what you NEED to hear.

So, if you’re involved with some East Asian man and things aren’t going well with the ‘mama-drama’, ask yourself why so many Asian women don’t want what you think you want.

Then step away from the ledge and come back in the window. Don’t Jump!

I am out.

nuntius

@Law Wanxi
Jenny An is not representative of all Asian American women.

simply lois

@Law Wanxi
Hmmm, so bw should not be interested in you? Hmmm?

DU2

@Law Wanxi Thanks for the insight. 40% of AW date /marry out??? WOW that is ALOT!! You gave me something to think about, that is a HIGH number. If I may ask has anyone in your family dated or married out? How was it received?

diouranke

unfortunately this racial hierarchy exists among people of color, who you’d THINK get it right. hmm,, my bf is from India and is not too much lighter than me, I sat down with him and ask him a few realistic questions about our relationships when things seemed to be getting serious, he admitted having told his mother about me when he went home and her not being so gung ho about a black gf or daughter in law, but as he put it , he didnt’ care about that, yeah ok! i know if we were to decide to get marry it would become a big deal. I am lucky ( i guess) because she is in India.

His friends seem to not have a problem as well as a few other family members. I will be the first to admit if it becomes a “choose who you love more” situation i would be ready to walk. I think i have made quite a few adjustments dating an Indian and a Muslim, don’t know if i could deal w/ his mother hatin.

mdari14

I’m a black Canadian woman (Hatian descent) engaged to a Chinese Canadian Man. It’s really saddening to see that other AMBW couples are having issues with the partners mother. For me, my future MIL was a little skeptical at first but once she saw that I was Christian (which was extremly important to her) , that I was willing to make the effort to get to know her family traditions and that I take very good care of her son, she was extremely approving. Now we have a very close relationship. As for the family they have been open minded to me as well since I got future MIL’s approval.

The advice I would give to any woman that is either in an AMBW relationship or would like to explore one is just be yourself but also try to learn this culture and traditions.I know it’s hard to turn the other cheek when your partners mother is a witch but I would highly recommend remaining respectful at all times and just keep certain boundaries. Also my fiance prepped his mother as soon as we became serious. She was aware of who I am, what I do, my background, etc so there were no surprises. I hope this advice helps

wow! this is cray! and just sad. I find Korean-americans to be more open especially if they are Christian….but it’s definitely one of the harder cultures to break.

MichaelD2013

Lol .. These Asian mother and Grand Mothers better get used to it if they live in America. African American young teens are blowing up the blogs with the “Blasian Persuasion” article and video’s Lol. It’s the new “Break Down Old Borders” hysteria with a lot of them. Get used to it .. Smiles. That aside of seen some African-Philippino daughters that were just “Breath Takingly” beautiful .. Smiles.

shanita

Women of all races do this to a degree don’t want to let there children go, but it’s not up to the parents to try to run there children’s lives, black people must be very, very special cause everyone seems to be against them. are we

not human, why is it the pigment in our skin count us as evil anyone can be evil, if its in there heart, and in a way I do understand we are stereotyped as ghetto, dumb, stupid, crazy mtv half naked nobody’s that act like a bunch of

tree monkeys but still I have hope because every day on Facebook and YouTube and other places I see mixed couples one good thing about it no one can stop the hand of GOD you see it is GOD that touch’s a Asian, white or who ever male are female heart

You can best believe that so once GOD touch those hearts they are powerless and their craving is called to chocolate love, they will dream about blacks, there minds will be full of thoughts day and night about black

people yes, GOD will run them out of there minds unless that craving is fulfilled so, I think it’s just a BOO GAME with these Asian mom’s to try to control there children but if GOD put it on there heart they are gonna sneak

and hide to see the blacks cause they are driven by a force that they can’t control so they can say they will kill themselves to try to stop the child that’s not gonna help ….but that’s what I love about them Asians, they take it

all the way I seen in many movies where they take they knifes and stab there own self in the belly and kill themselves if they feel like it’s a good cause they will do themselves in, but I still see them on face book some

get up the nerve to face their Asian parents, I don’t care who they are they may not want they blacks people in their family (((but their heart is for their own blood and that’s what’s gonna make um bow down cause they don’t want to loose the

love of their own Asian child, sure two said they would kill themselves but did they actually do it no, so I say let them Asian mom’s have their two year old fits, respect them……….THEN YOU ASAIN MEN GO RUN AND GET YOE DEEP DARK CHOCOLATE BABY DOLL MUCH LOVE TO ALL ASIANS AND MOM’S………………….

Sadi1920

WOW! Not that this next statement will make it better, however, I have heard MANY stories of Asian mothers not accepting Black, White, Mexican anything other than Asian. I know an Indian woman who was furious with her son for marrying a White woman – this chic almost had a heart attack. I have another friend who is Sudanese who’s mother had disowned him because his wife is Iraqi. It’s a mess all over. My husband’s ignorant a$$ mother almost destroyed our marriage. These people should be ignored. I know it’s hard. But you cannot let them destroy your relationship.

AppleSauceJelly86

I would like to also mention that Asians can sometimes be against their sons or daugthers dating whites as well. I had a Japenese male friend who dated a white woman and his mother was highly upset about it. She felt that he should find a Japenese woman who understood their culture and values instead of bringing someone into their family who would “mess up” their traditions. She also didn’t want their children to be mixed race.

AppleSauceJelly86

@shanita I think it has more to do with how other cultures view Black/African culture. If we (as blacks) are able to find a way to take back control of the public’s image of our culture than I think we wouldn’t have as many problems with interracial dating. Blacks/Africans/Afro-Caribbeans are a very educated and family-oriented group of people and we need to not let the world tell so many false and one-sided stories about our people. I am very educated and I have strong morals and values yet sometimes people still attempt to label me as a “poor, uneducated, angry black woman” even when I dressed well and I am not displaying any of those characteristics. Its all about perspective and generalization. It doesn’t happen all of the time but it does happen sometimes and there isn’t much you can do about it except continue to perpetuate a positive representation of self.

AppleSauceJelly86

@JaymesA
Exactly.

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