Why Christians Should Rejoice That UBL Is Dead and in Hell

Let me go on the record stating that as a Christian I am completely cool with our Navy SEAL Team Six killing Usama. Or is it Osama? Does anyone know? I heard he liked it both ways. Anyway, the only thing that makes me sad about bin Laden’s death, as an orthodox Christian, is that a). It didn’t happen on Christmas or Easter, and b). The rude SEAL Team Six didn’t include me along to pull the trigger.

Apparently, the SEALs require those who go on their missions to be physically and psychologically fit to the nth degree and stuff—y’know, like being able to swim like Esther Williams during a hurricane with a wildebeest strapped to one’s back. When they told me that, I was like, “Whatever.” And the SEALs were like, “Pfff.” And thus they chose someone else to whack that wacky bastard. So, I guess I’ll have to settle for seconds and wait to play the forthcoming Xbox video game based on the Abbottabad raid entitled, SEAL Team Six: Who’s Yo’ Mama, Usama? But I digress.

So, why do I bring up my Christianity in conjunction with my satisfaction with Usama getting capped? Well, it’s principally because of the rank anti-biblical bollocks coming from pastors and priests who believe that Christians should not be happy that bin Laden has now been eaten by groupers at the bottom of the Indian Ocean (or wherever the heck they tossed his damnable corpse).

For instance, Bill O’Reilly had a Catholic priest, Father Beck, on his show this past week who not only said we should dial down on our biblical joy that this evil SOB was shot but that we should’ve “loved him,” “forgiven him,” and “not judged him” because “we don’t know what was in Usama’s wittle heart that caused him to kill tens of thousands of people worldwide.”

To hear this cat talk, it sounds like all UBL simply needed was some Xanax, a new coloring book and a little face time with Dr. Drew because his daddy didn’t love him enough or something.

Well, Father Crock—I mean Beck—call me a heretic because I believe those commands to “love, forgive and not judge” don’t extend to a sick, twisted, violent, God-hating, woman abusing, implacable, wicked dog like bin Laden but rather to personal verbal detractors of one’s faith (y’know, people who don’t pose a grave global security threat. Duh).

It’s like I wrote in my best selling book, Raising Righteous & Rowdy Girls, about how I raised my girls: If you’re made fun of, ridiculed, or maligned for your beliefs, don’t sweat it; love and pray for your enemies and learn what I’ve learned over many years: Other people’s animosity can actually sell a lot of books.

However, should someone want to physically harm you in some form or fashion (say, a rapist or a terrorist) then it’s okay for you to defend yourself and hurt him or, if need be, kill him. Call me the devil. In my world the good person should live and the evil person should die.

Hey, Christian Love Machine: Usama wasn’t some angry blogger who merely said mean crap about Christians and western culture; he was a malevolent, murderous Saladin wannabe who was part and parcel of the massive, heartless slaughter of men, women and children both here and abroad. Remember? If not, here’s UBL’s résumé of death.

Christians should rejoice because bin Laden was decidedly evil; his body is currently the main course for coconut crabs at 300 feet; and his soul is browning on Dante’s BBQ. Providence, via our ministers of death, the bad ass SEAL Team Six, plucked a foul weed from this planet and officially ended his reign of terror. I guarantee that when the SEALs’ 5.56mm round exited Usama’s brain at 3,000 feet per second the Father, Son and Holy Spirit stood up and said to each other, “High five!” and then after that congratulatory moment simultaneously said like preternatural triplets, “Who’s next?” And you know what? We should feel the same way.