Tag: writing

I feel heavy and sore. The words don’t flow as easily as they do sometimes. It’s as if I’m standing at a fork in the road; do I write as a survivor from the depths of my soul, or write to earn.

Why not both?

Writing because the soul demands it, harnessing the opposing griffins of creativity and commerce with an invitation to be strong, kind and benevolent and practical.

It seems a lot sometimes. But that’s just like feeling bloated – often it feels worse than it is.

I feel bloated with effort, inflamed with tender determination. I’m in process and writing is a big part of that healing process. Not just the writing or the structure or the distribution or the validation of an appreciative reader, but all of it – the thinking, the heart, the feels, the action, the experience of taking abstract ideas that won’t be left alone and giving them shape in some reality with words that are seasoned with the sugar and spices of life, with bold and quiet moments, with the knowledge that there is beauty anywhere we feel and say it is, and in times like this, this gives hope to anyone who wants it. Even me.

I’ve been wrestling with novels and life in a new way. Novel means new and noteworthy too. Breast cancer behind me, surgery and rebuilding ahead of me.

I thought I could write myself into a new existence with intention, documenting the rewiring of my mind and the rehabilitation of my body through storytelling – through love stories.

Maybe if I looked into my own eyes and sat silently with the contents of my soul, I could become a better, stronger me – the one I sculpted from all the bits of The Bygone, the one I would set free.

My heart and body shake with compassion for the people who are suffering.

Anger, rage, fury, disassociation… depression, confusion – these are some of the feelings that come to mind.

When the heart is in trauma, the body is in trauma. At some point that energy has to be expressed.

We decide how we respond. We have that power. At some point, someone has to say Enough.

(Please forgive my terminology and jargon now, I will try to speak as clearly as I can in writing.)

Yesterday I went to a mastermind meeting I had been to before. I was hoping to see what was going on for business and how I could help.

Instead, we talked about the Elephant in the Room – in this case, the Mandalay Bay shooting. I felt it became “inappropriate” – because we gave space during this time of trauma to an old wound. I am sorry but I think this is a kind of selfishness that contributes to tragedy.

Right now in my life, I do not have time to think about what happened before today. I take it into consideration because I am a considerate individual. HOWEVER – I also need a place to stay and food to eat so I don’t die. If YOU cannot take that into consideration, then I cannot take you into consideration. Do you understand that?

Safe places and snowflakes. Ok, first off – how dare people use beautiful unique snowflakes in a rude way. Check your spirit before you speak. Personally, I am going to start my own Snowflake Society – perhaps virtual – to address the Real Real Snowflakes.

To me, this is a beautiful snowy day maybe like happened in the movie A White Christmas, where a bunch of soldiers and vets got together to honor their leader.

I would like to make safe places for those who are actively helping TODAY. I would like to provide them with food, support, and focused action utilizing all the skills I have and my own understanding of being in SURVIVAL MODE which is a state that can be experienced by all races and all species.

We make spaces by looking for commonality – not by looking for differences.

We make safe spaces by looking for strength – first in ourselves and then in others.

We make safe spaces when people have good food, good sleep and a place where we can share hugs and laughter, which will heal us.

Make your own safe space – and see how many people support you. If not, maybe it’s time to change the approach. That is true mastery – and strategy – adapting to the situation with the insight of how humanity responds.

Whatever entity is responsible – be it a sole human which I find unlikely but possible – do you think they knew how people would respond to a mass shooting?

Why did they do it anyway?

Get inside their head if you can – otherwise get inside your heart and use the resources of your own body and humanity to be the change you seek in the world.

Humility right now is power. Knowledge is power. Control is not power. Control is an illusion and it is a weakness to demand it of others instead of excercising your own ability to change.

Many people died. Their families are grieving. People are helping. This is not about my cancer survival right now – this is not about the fact that I am not sure where I am going to live by the weekend. I don’t have things I thought I had. I don’t have friends I thought I had.

But I am alive, mofos! I am alive and shaking and I have a heart. The heart inspires the mind, the stomach helps out, and the body benefits.

In trauma, when fight or flight is triggered, or sometimes freeze – the response that is most effective in my understanding is one that comes first with understanding and curiosity, followed by thoughtful communication and most of all LISTENING.

If you need others to make a safe space for you, I recommend therapy. I have gone for several years and I am at the point now that the things that used to make me tremble now don’t even bother me. This is healing.

You want a safe space? Therapy creates one for you. Outpatient group therapy. One on one therapy. Don’t like the stigma of therapy? Don’t feel you need it? All the most successful warriors and victors and advocates have their own coaches and their own support team made of humans who understand them and respect their abilities.

Respect is key. Everything else is blah blah blah at a time like this. Be human or you are being everything you hate and you don’t even know it which means you are NOT in control of YOURSELF.

To demand that safe spaces be afforded is the type of thinking that leads to shit like this. It starts with you. For me it starts with me. The fact that you can google gender pronoun conversations and confusion right now on the Internet means on some level we are in a HUGE identity crisis.

We have to change ourselves by creating that safe space within – and then sharing it with those who respect us. Respect. Love for yourself. Love like no one else does. Not with words but with heart. With your own beating heart.

Statistics are numbers. If you are doing research from a place whose intel is compromised, what does that say about your findings?

Who guards the guards? People guard the guards. Respect guards the guards. Love guards the guards. And then the guards can guard who is worthy guarding.

In times of trauma you have to make new decisions. If you have been through it, you have experiental knowledge that does not come from research but it comes from life.

The strength of the individual and the family is important now. Check yourself. Ask yourself if you are doing the best thing you can be doing right now for humanity.

We have a big problem where we try to protect others who feel victimized instead of referring them to proper help. People need to be more human focused – THAT IS THE KEY.

If you can’t accept it, then I feel we disagree on the definitions and principles of some pretty big issues like knowledge, power, control, surrender, submission, and a lot of things that you learn when you say…

Hey, maybe I am that safe space. Or,

Hey, maybe this is not the safe space for me.

Be part of the change – don’t make this about you.

Defending victims is not helpful. It just reveals that you have areas of your own life that you have not healed because you are joining them in creating a safe space by demanding that others gift you their time and their curiosity and their skills.

We are the human race. I put humanity above petty conversations in times when I forget how to breathe. Otherwise I would not be here today.

To suggest that other people don’t know about your own history is to suggest that you are ignorant of theirs. Takes two to tango and if you are resting on history to fuel your own comfort, you are not a safe space as far as I am concerned.

Scared people, hurt people, people in denial, people who do not know how to wait, how to be patient, who are not built for things they have been made to do,

They still have a choice even if they gave it up. Every minute you have a choice. Don’t hold us back by shielding yourself with trauma of the past.

How about, wow, I have never been in this situation. I am going to do something. What can I do? What can I change that might make things better for the circle I am a part of right now.

You be the safe space or go get help. We have to do this for ourselves and if we are committed to friendship, let us be first committed to humanity and to life.

It is not the time to bring up another morbid situation. It is time to soothe and comfort yourself in such a way that you are a blessing to society not just another damn drag.

Wake up people. Your words reveal what you do not see. Media is included. You are spouting your ignorance all the time and that is how people know when is a good time to do evil things.

Watch your words. Watch your heart. I send love and forgiveness. If you cannot forgive people because they know not what they do, maybe your value are not as Christlike as you think.

If you spend more time on the media than on your soul, your ballast must be outside of you. That’s how I see it.

I support knowledge and strengthening individuals, families and communities.
I support awareness. I support #TeamRubicon as a knowledge sharer until I can do more.

PS

I DO NOT support the concept of safe spaces. That is a great way to gather a bunch of people to get shot and just make the case worse. What is everyone going to do? Think about it like your opponent. Be your opponent’s opponent. Fight with finesse if you must – and be prepared to heal and rebuild after the destruction. STOP TALKING about what you hate. It’s not safe.

NOTE: This message is not for everyone. I trust that you will exercise your right to choose as a human being – and to respect that others can choose too. Work from there and you will go from frightened and debilitated, to finding the center inside that you never knew, and flipping on the switch for others too. Here’s the switch to self defense, protection and care.

I love you.

(And when you take the

I

and the

you

out of it,

what’s left?

LOVE.

Long-suffering.

Organic.

Victorious.

EVERYTHING.

– Acronym for LOVE; Miko Hargett aka Maria F Walls

LOVE – That’s where we start. If you are on board, follow me for actual solutions. My team. My game. My rules. You want to have that ability? That knowledge? I create safe spaces in difficult places. I start with Me. If you start with you, we can talk.

Get a good grasp on your understanding of LOVE – it is not romance and sex and pleasure only. It is insight, understanding, compassion, humility, adaptility and it is raw and real and will kick your assets to help you.)

Here are some resources I think will help with mindset. I get no kickback for this.

Jeff Cooper’s Color Code of Awareness – PAY ATTENTION to the subtleties of the situation, in other words – how you FEEL. Breathe into it.

Follow me on social media of your choice if you want to help yourself and those you love. Imposing on people you don’t know to listen to your bad story when we have enough other stories is a display of ignorance that I think needs to go to the mental health clinic or find a therapist and I say that with passion of one who has found help in a hopeless place. Not only help, but love. LOVE. That is where we start. Otherwise we are blind.)

If you would like me to come and speak, or help in any way – please start by joining team rubicon. I share their values of knowledge and action. We will create safe spaces by being the safe spaces.

PPS: I beat cancer. I have another chance at life. I will honor those who have passed by making sure they are remebered for their goodness. Let the evil fall away. Stop giving love to evil unless you know what evil is like and are prepared to act. Otherwise, you owe it to yourself and to everyone else to get help. Be healthy. Be loving. Know what love and health mean.

NOTE: This message is not for everyone. I trust that you will exercise your right to choose as a human being – and to respect that others can choose too. Work from there and you will go from frightened and debilitated, to finding the center inside that you never knew, and flipping on the switch for others too. Here’s the switch to self defense, protection and care. Enlightened Heartfelt Action.

It was an old Red Cross building. Old like I found newspapers from the ’40s when I went with the cleaning team.

It was our own school. Sometimes later I would call it Hogwartz because it wasn’t a normal school. It was very private. Like our own world.

But the Brittanica had now entered our world.

And now we were learning about Alexander Pope and John Donne and most importantly (to me) James Joyce.

I liked learning about them and their writing. I liked alliteration. But I loved the concept of stream-of-consciousness writing that I learned about in James Joyce’s Ulysses.

stream of con·scious·ness
noun PSYCHOLOGY
noun: stream of consciousness; plural noun: streams of consciousness; modifier noun: stream-of-consciousness
a person’s thoughts and conscious reactions to events, perceived as a continuous flow. The term was introduced by William James in his Principles of Psychology (1890).
a literary style in which a character’s thoughts, feelings, and reactions are depicted in a continuous flow uninterrupted by objective description or conventional dialogue. James Joyce, Virginia Woolf, and Marcel Proust are among its notable early exponents.

(Definition from Google)

I eagerly tried it, happy to start playing with the idea and making it my own.

Just a small problem. I didn’t feel I could write what I was thinking.

It bothered me that I didn’t want to write my thoughts. A lot.

One day I would. In the meantime, I’d write books in my head. If I got real good at understanding my consciousness and what compelled me, one day I could write my books in real life. I suppose publishing was a more accurate goal. I’d publish my thoughts from memory.

Because it’s all in there, right? Just a matter of accessing it. One day.

This mental writing of my personal journey was encouraged more by ideas like automatic writing. I saw that in the TV show Alias when an agent had information coded into her mind.

Virginia Woolf inspired me too. And other artists like photographer Diane Arbus. Araki was another one.

The magic in the mundane, the raw, honest depictions of fringe societies and activities.

Mostly I would forget about this idea. I’ve even created characters to oversee the work in my head. I’d think of it every now and then, usually when I needed to express something. Still, mostly I didn’t feel it was that compelling to bring to fruition.

But some intentions seem to come to life.

Twenty years later, like Anais Nin wrote…

…the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anaïs Nin

Want to take a walk down mammary lane with me?
😘
I thought I would tell my life story from the perspective of my late boobs. So as to get their words of wisdom and truth in writing (since soon they would be gone to Tata Heaven), I dedicated November to writing every day with them until we hit 50,000 words.
Why November?
Because it’s National Novel Writing Month (oh look alliteration again!) – aka NanoWriMo.
We who participate in Nanowrimo are known as Rhinos. I have been a rhino 3 times and won twice.
Winning is for finishing at all – a concept I like very much. I finished over 50,000 words dedicated to my boobs desire to tell it like it was, in about 3 weeks, writing every morning.
I wrote this part differently than any of the other novels (more about this later), because it was a lot of writing about some very personal things in a short time while I went through chemo.
I had a lot working against me but that gave me a lot to work with too. I’ll write about that on another day – maybe Wacky Wednesday Writing.
Honest writing is important to me. I think there is a challenge sometimes in being truthful and kind in communication, but I think it’s a worthy one.
Fiction is challenging for me. Maybe because I got in trouble a lot for lying. 😜 I think I was actually dyslexic most of the time as sometimes it seems I still am. Like I meant why instead of no or yes or whatever I thot was the right answer.
“Did you return your book to the library?”
“Yes? No?” By then I had already lied. I wanted to say “why?” That seemed very risky at ages 4 through 10 in particular but really, even now. Risky word “why” can be.
Powerful also.
The mammaries witnessed a lot even before they had matured. (Blossomed?)
Mainly, why don’t I feel okay with asking why?
I tended to my chest early. Wanted to pose in my mom’s bikini on the balcony in Singapore when I was 4.
Had to fill the empty cups with something eventually. Socks. Not realistic enough. Tangerines! Not a natural enough shape.
Maybe tangerines and socks.
I tried to offer this handy chest juice to my little brother who was confused and interested – because tangerines are yum but why wouldn’t I just peel the tangerines and let him eat them like usual instead of trying to squeeze the juice through my pink leotard that I borrowed from a friend who had recently come to Asia from America.
There were a lot of kids in their family – many girls. The girls had these cute dark pink wrap around skirts and pastel leotards. I wished I had a sister.
Little bro wanted tangerines. The leotard got tangerine juice on it. I worried my friend would get mad. I took the tangerines out, peeled them and took out seeds for my baby brother.
I soaked it and washed it and tried stain removal with the bar soap. I wished I could send the stain away like the pepper would run away when I put a soap bar in water with pepper on it.
I remember feeling very bad about this.
Thankfully the sister I borrowed the leotard from was very understanding.
I felt bad about my younger brother. The other brother had immediately refused. I felt bad about that too.
But it was fun getting my other girlfriend to join me in putting tangerines in her shirt. She was bold. I wanted it to be more of a secret operation / experiment.
Then I wondered why.To be continued in future walks down mammary lane.

Sign up or follow at the place below for mo’ mammary Mondays and words about life.

Bonus Feature: Money Mongering

Okay so financial woes are something that many people have experienced.
Money. The time has come to challenge old beliefs and change my feelings about money.
Mongering doesn’t have the greatest ring to it but it does make Monday’s post pretty alliterative.
Monger originated as a name for a tradesperson, (Wikipedia uses the example “fishmonger”) but I’ve always heard it in a negative context.
But when I thought about it again, I thought money mongering was perfect to explain some my deepest feelings about money.
I never liked money mongering.
To me this is pretending to be genuine about something but really being more about the money, and yet somehow not just coming out and being about the money in an honest way. Own it.

The main issue with this approach is that there are direct roads to all kinds of places besides Rome, but if you say you want to go to Rome, it’s different.
Some roads may also intersect with roads to Rome but it’s not very direct.

But money mongering does not have to be that. It could be better.
It could be something besides money mongering as it was known to me.

But what we resist persists so…
I figured I’d drop any resentment or negative feelings towards money mongering – and instead embrace a new healthier outlook on money and enjoying the idea of lots of it.
Because why not?
My money homework for this week from my coach T is to …
Buy a juicer!
I explained I want a masticating juicer (more enzymes for health) that is easy to travel with. I have been looking at some …
But I have also been looking at the how – and I was stuck in an old approach and perspective. How can I afford this… Which is ok but not a great feeling yet.
But maybe simplify.
Juuuuuuuuuuuuice!
It’s very windy in Las Vegas today. Winds of change?
Juicerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Love,