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Monthly Archives: January 2007

I always had thought that I was a person not much concerned about what others might think of my actions but reflecting upon the past 3.5 years I can clearly see that what is true is the contrary. I mean I kept thinking that I was acting independently but what actually was happening that I was making decisions which might not have suited me the best but I did that which according to the others was the right thing to do. I thought that I was being strong when I never knew that I had been already broken and overridden.

Why does it so happen that we measure our successes and failures by the standards which others create? Why does it so happen that we form an image of ourselves in a way in which others see us ? Why is there such a terrible loss of self opinion, self respect and self judgement when we are with a herd? Why are those who are conventional good? Why are those who are non conventional not good? Why are the criterias fixed? Why aren’t the criterias too variable?

The problem doesn’t appear serious as long as the people who don’t matter much are saying things ..the problem occurs when the people who matter to you start listening to the people who don’t matter to you. Fortunately for me, 50% of the loved ones are confident of me and 50% are skeptical. I would say latter 50% are naiive, that they are just normal human beings and that is their fault.They don’t understand what I stand for. They don’t let me be. They ( obviously not apparently but in an indirect manner ) make me feel inadequate for my job which I am not and which I am struggling to disprove.

Perhaps that is the struggle of life that people mention, the one that I am facing quite unexpectedly but quite early in my life. It is most difficult to fight against beliefs. You can conquer the world and yet not be able to change a belief about yourself. That is how hard it is. But all of this will give me an edge over others in future ( or so i think ).

Ergo, here I start the fight that I am destined to win. It will take a lot of patience and judgement and strength. But I am ready. I am here. I will take over from now .

That is all my life is about these days interspersed with a few movies and treats thrown here and there. I am liking it except for a few lingering problems which are bound to stay for quite a long time to come.

I am back to myself! After facing it all- in sometimes cowering, sometimes bearing, sometimes trying to get away, sometimes trying to stay-manner , I am now back to my usual self [The unafraid, the un-bothered (if that’s a word), the ferocious, the ambitious, the unstoppable self].

Its damn hard not being yourself in the times when you need the most to be the original one. I was under pressure and I changed but never again..not in this life will it happen. The loud, mad laughter is back..i missed it. The anger is back, i missed it too. The “No” is also back. I got it for the first time.