/* The song I'm talking about is trains by porcupine tree. It is strange how this song has marked my life . It has a certain melancholy to it and also a certain joy to it that makes it fit for every situation. In the song , Steven Wilson sings , ' Always the summers are slipping away , find me a way to make it stay. ', as if saying that none of the good times will last , and it seems like he's crying in vain for a way to make it stay. And I wonder , what if you stop looking for happiness i.e the summer outside , and start looking for it inside. Then even the coldest winters will not affect the summers inside you. The last line is inspired by an Albert Camus quote. */

Sunday, 30 November 2014

Every person is a book, I read when I take a look.Through the window of the eyes,I can see through your disguise.Masquerade if that's your plan,If you need to..I understand.There are places I still can reach,bring out your diamond that lies beneath.The mind is just one handy tool,to understanding what is true.So walk with me down this path,as we calculate and do our math.Use our failures as stepping stones,providing strength we have never known.Phoenix Rising to become anew ,Shedding fears of a fool .So go ahead and take a look,Read my soul just like an open book...

* So , first post in a while. Now where do I begin to say what this is all about. It's about this idea of perfection that <some> of us stupid guys chase. And the fact is there really is no such thing as absolute perfection or absolute truth. I mean everyone has some good qualities and some flaws . And if you start moving away from people just because of their flaws and ignore their good , you are gonna end up being really miserable and depressed and lonely. Fact is there really isn't much black and white in the world outside science text books. And as that cheesy cliche goes , go find your own shade of grey . Anywho , you can't measure yourself or anything else by this golden standard in your head , because then you'll just push away all the good that comes you. And even if you push all that good away, their scent lingers on like roses you once held. The least you can do is not let that scent fade away. You can't look for perfect in an imperfect world. And I wish I knew all this before. But, I guess that's the thing about maturity, it comes to you when it has to. *

Saturday, 18 October 2014

One of the questions that has always been lingering around
me and is a topic of much contention is the question of happiness. How real is
this idea of happiness, or does it exist at all? Well you probably have a
hundred self- help books that tell you how to be happy, some of you might have
found it in a lover’s arms, some at the piano keys and some at the bottom of a
bottle. Well as a recluse, I obviously do not find it amongst a sea of people
and as a teetotaller I do not find it any of the vices. As someone who knows a
little bit about the way the brain functions, I would say that happiness is
nothing but a neurological state . It is the way our brain reacts to certain
situations that we humans conveniently call happy or pleasant ones. Well pick
up any biochemistry textbook and you will see a hundreds of reactions about
essential bodily functions. Now why is it that the chemicals that make us happy
( dopamine , serotonin etc.) are so glorified and not the others that are as
essential if not more essential than these.
More so if someone is in misery , as to why his reaction to given situations
cannot be accepted as just another chemical reaction and nothing more. As to
why it has to be treated with sympathy or any other such thing beats me.

As a medical student who sees patients at the hospital , I cannot
help but feel bad at the plight of patients. Pain and suffering is ultimately pain
and suffering. Somehow , it equalizes all of us . And as another college kid , I
see so many other witnesses to this pain and suffering spending their days
blissfully partying and indulging in every vice possible . The funny part is
the doctor who spends all day dealing with his patients is then called cold and
unemotional. Anywho , these are the two absolute opposite ends of humanity that
I have seen. And maybe here lies the eternal curse that has been cast on us.
Humans are all equalized by their pain , and segregated by their happiness.
Every party or every group or every society has that one outcast , that one
misunderstood person, that one labelled person. But in a hospital ward for example
, everyone is in pain and gets equal treatment. It would be such a sacrament to
consider one patient’s pain ( physical and psychological greater or lesser than
another patient’s.) The point that I want to make is that somehow pain, no
matter how painful seems to be much more equalizing than happiness.

Now let me come down to the topic of delusion. Well , as an absolute
rationalist I would have to say that many ideas that people find happiness in
have absolutely no rational basis whatsoever. Cite things such as religion,
superstition or your favourite good luck charm as an example. Fact of the
matter is we all have had those blissful summers of childhood when the entire
world seemed so beautiful , before rationality entered our lives and taught us
what was true and what was false. Alas those summers slipped away , and you no
longer are amused by those stories that your parents read out to you to put you
to sleep. And we are desperate to find those summers in the winter of this
life. ‘Always the summers are slipping away…… find me a way to make it stay ‘Humans
are very desperate to find happiness. And the mind sees what it chooses to see.
And that is why so many claim to have found that elusive diamond that is
happiness. And if you are rational enough , you will see one delusion after the
other falling . And you will be miserable without delusion , yet you will be
truthful . Delusion is the key to happiness and it is well also diagnostic of
many psychiatric conditions.

So you see, we humans are very imperfect creatures. And happiness
seems to be this wondrous perfect state. So where can we possibly find
happiness? Well I think you can find it in those things that are a product of
nature and not of humans themselves. Products of nature such as the way the
human body works or how the physical world works , or how strings vibrate to
produce music. These wonders of the world seems so beautiful and devoid of
human corruption. And you know what the best part about these ? They will never
betray you or go back on their words. Your science and your art will always be
there for you. They will still be beautiful and interesting no matter what .
And that I think is something no human being could do for another.

But we are but imperfect humans, thrown into this world of
other imperfect humans. Even if you are reclusive, you still will have your own
imperfections by virtue of being a human as you try to appreciate the wonders
of nature. So you probably will not be able to find true happiness because as
much as you try , you will not be absolutely at one with nature and its beauty
no matter how close you get to it. So how do you reconcile this predicament?
Well the way I do it is by accepting the fact that we are all human , all too
human. These imperfections are inherent to us. For every patient that dies ,
there is some kid getting wasted. That hypocrisy or duality (if you like Indian
philosophy) is a part and parcel of the human condition . Someone is going to
be miserable sometimes , and denying it is pure repression. Fact is most people
are not brave enough to believe in an inconvenient truth. And the truth is almost always inconvenient .To them it all boils
down to what is convenient to them. Too many thoughts on your mind, let’s
chemically suppress the nervous system! Does that make our basic imperfect
truths go away? Does it bring those summers back? No it does not. So the only
way to deal with this predicament it to accept that misery is but a part of the human condition that does not
need to be hated . So while accepting this basic truth , looking for those
moments of completeness in science or art ( or anything else of that nature)
makes much more sense to me.

The highway is the only one that can shelter him./* So this one draws from audioslave's I am the highway and Porcupine tree's I drive the hearse. It's about a solitary wanderer realizing that wandering is ultimately what he has to do . It is the only thing real for him. Everything else and everyone else comes and goes like various passengers on the hearse and only the highway remains. The highway is the wanderer's ultimate muse */

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Beautiful creaturePerched so purposefullyDignified in statureEach pointed feather in placeSeemingly youthfulBut your eyes give it awayShinning, yet sadThere is a weight in those eyesA weight larger than your frame could ever carryUnder the gleam of pristine feathers, you’re a fighterProtecting yourself is second natureThat sharp beak does not go unusedYou keep up your image and hope to protect what’s underneathFlight from others gives you that protection tooMajestic wings to carry you to solitudeBut with solitude, you lose those that still choose to care

Sunday, 5 October 2014

I have always dreaded that room. It's too loud, it's too bright. Sometimes I wish I had dark sunglasses on . Sometimes I wish I had ear muffs to block out all that clatter. More than too bright , more than too loud I think it's too many people. Just too many of the , talking about different things. Every one talking and no body listening. I wish someone would listen to me. So I try to talk in that room even though I find it uncomfortable. I talk and no one listens. But no one listens to anyone anyway. They talk at me . They say I don't know how to talk. They say I am too silent.So I keep away from the room . I talk to myself. Myself keeps me happy . He is my best friend. Sometimes , he even listens to me. Sometimes we make a louder noise than the entire dreaded room. I am happy to finally have someone who listens. But I can't understand why they won't listen to me. More so ,why would they say that I don't know how to talk . I talk to myself ,don't I? And he understands me too. So why can't that room also listen. So I decided to give it one final try. Since everyone calls me silent , I decided to go scream in the room. So I went to the room and screamed at the top of my voice. I thought they'd be happy that I wasn't silent anymore. But they just scoffed at me and called me too loud . This room is beyond me. I think , it's not that I don't know how to talk , it's that they don't know how to listen . Anyway , I am going back to myself. At least he listens to me. I don't like being alone, I just like being heard.

Sunday, 28 September 2014

They all are delusions ultimately. Funny part is some are put into a Psych ward and some are celebrated for their delusions. But they all are delusions. Too much of truth drives a man insane. No one can handle the plain naked truth. It hurts too much. It may hit you when you're walking down the street. It may hit you when you're again involved in some other activity of your humdrum existence. But do not even for a moment think you are close to the truth. You can't take it. You will be burnt by it. All the plastic on your face will melt by its heat. All your anorexia will be washed by its gravity. You Are no one in front of the truth. And no one can look the truth in the eye and say that he has been truthful. Such is humanity's curse. What you wanted to see good has made you blind. You will never reach the hilltop where the truth lies. And every time you get close, you will be pushed down to start your struggle all over again. You are lost as Sisyphus. Lost in a crazy vicious cycle. There is no way out only a way in since the day you were born.All beauty is ephemeral. Because the beauty comes from the truth. But your delusions are a sick perverse way to deal with your incapacity to face the truth. So your delusion will last. Go on then. Delude yourself. Betray the truth. Happy as you may be, you are a coward. Find other cowards and delude with them. Go cry to weak friends that sympathise .Make a mass delusion. So if one poor speaker of the truth ever comes around , he feels insane. The tellers of the truth have all the angst, but they don't deserve it. You deserve it ,you liar. You are lying, you are concealing . You are the weak one hiding your weakness behind another lie. You deserve all the angst. You deserve the malaise. The sublime is for the truthful. You don't deserve the truth. You can't handle it. Don't ever try getting close to it. Don't pollute it with your presence. You are beyond purgation.

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

I want to put a knife through their chest,Writhing cutting all the way in.'Have you no heart ?', they cryThe knife cuts through shallow skin,The knife runs through thick flesh,The knife is purgation from this bad blood.Their screams , their blood streaks , my smiles , my calm.I go deeper to rip their heart out,But there is none- their heart is long gone-much before mine.

Friday, 29 August 2014

So , in this post I'm gonna talk about something extremely close to me- metal and what it means to me. Metal doesn't need an introduction. You know , the angry guy in the black band t-shirt who hates all things happy and could yet be the nicest person you've ever met. Yeah that's the one I'm gonna talk about today.
So , metalheads aren't your typical mainstream bielebers. Metal stands for everything against the mainstrean - a celebration of all those who are misunderstood and all those left out. We all(or I hope all) are thinking human beings . So for those who think, you are bound to be angered by what you see. If not angered atleast concerned. Now some people choose escapism and pretend that these concerns anre not there. Some acknowledge them and voice their concerns. And when voices are drowned, people must growl. And these choices are reflected in musical preferences . The pop guy will listen to songs that make him think of some fairy tale world with imagined dragons or whatever and the metalhead won't be pushed up against the wall( yeah that was testament). So it really is a matter of principle .
Now let's talk demeanor. Metal doesn't believe in dressing up . You look great the way you are . You don't have to try and change anything about it. The metal community accepts people without mascara. Now contrast that against the teenage menstruating girl named Justin who has to hide behind a ton of make-up to perverse every other teenage girls definition of beauty. That's why you see a lot of rockers shirtless. This is who I am in the flesh- like me or hate me- this is my truth and I'm not ashamed enough to hide it behind price tag mascara.
You see metal is about the truth and responses to it - whether you like it or not - without any sugar coating. There is no pretension and all pretenders are despised . If you can't accept the way you are you are not fit to accept anyone else. And yes you can be yourself no matter how messed up you may be in metal. If it's the government screwing with you, or your parents who messed up your childhood , or feelings of suicide and alienation or serial killers , global terrorism - we metalheads are listening - growl on child - we're listening. And aren't these the issues that affect you or is it just the radioactive chick problems as your pop*ahem* artist screech about. The point is metal doesn't set a parameter for its community. It is a negation of accepted belief . Or as St.de La Roach should say' FUCK YOU I WON'T SO WHAT YOU TELL ME - MOTHERFUCKERR- UGGHH!!' Yes metal sees the truth and is not afraid to talk about it no matter how bleak or uncomfortable it is. It is a rebellion it is about sticking up for what you believe in. And like all tellers of the truth, metalheads are misunderstood . But that does not make them any less truthful and the rest any less liars. And I would rather be truthful than understood. Being misunderstood yet truthful is a choice that metalheads make. And no, not everyone is strong enough to make that choice. And it's too sad if you aren't.
Now let's talk musicianship. Your girl named Justin uses the same four chords( invariably Am-C-G-F .... holy shit they know barre chords!). Now have you heard of Mr. Petrucci and his Bb mixolydian sweeps or phyrgian dominant shreds? You don't have to be a genius to say which is superior. Now let's talk beats. Invariably every pop song is a 4/4. Now you pop ass wipes can go dance with your butterflies to a 4/4 and us metalheads are gonna let Mike Portnoy teach us 23.5/8. How 'radiocative' is that? Not that metal is the only technically sound genre there is. Of course the blues, jazz , classical music require an extraordinary level of musicianship. But the being a sucky musician seems to be the criteria in popular music. And you'd know this if you've seen a metal gig. A metalhead derives energy from the crowd. They are sure of their musicianship and skills because they have practiced their craft. And of course our little girl named Justin was bust painting her pony pink so she couldn't find enough time to practice her craft and hence had to lip sync.
Ultimately it all comes down to a choice. You can choose to be truthful and technically sound and intellectually fulfilled by your music or you can choose to pick up chicks with it. And if you choose the latter, Marilyn Manson will haunt your sweet dreams. The point is you can be an artist or you can be a pretender. If you choose the former, you'll be accepted for who you are- no frills no pretensions.And if you think you aren't good enough to be an artist, an artist is not someone who is skilled , he is someone who has a story to tell, and you can always bring both skill and emotion to your expression. But if you still choose the latter.... well what can I say ...' Fuck it , cut the chord'.

Can cover but a heart’s pain.* There is something incredibly therapeutic about the rain. It is the same for everyone , whether they are in pain and joy. Maybe, pain and joy are but illusions, and the only truth there is , is the beauty of the rain. *

Sunday, 17 August 2014

The longest race you will ever run is the race between your
head and your heart. The age old conundrum still plagues a lot of us today.
There is the cold, rational side and then there is the warm emotional side. So
the question often comes down to which one do we follow?

Well a lot of us are inherently very logical and a lot of us
are inherently very emotional. And I think one cannot do without the other.

As far as the logical
people(I shall stick to the variety I Know) go , they do have emotions too ( of
course they too have a limbic system , hippocampus and amygdala). It’s just
that they have grown accustomed to seeing beauty in ideas and concepts since
they are absolutely perfect. This is also why you will find such people
attached to their science or art very tenaciously. So they just choose to look
at a particular side of things. But the best things in life are not things at
all. Somethings do need to be felt. I could agree that evolution has given us a
large pre-frontal cortex. But the limbic system( the emotional center) persists
as well. And the mistake that a rationalist makes at time is to suppress anything
that isn’t remotely intellectual. They brand it as irrational and hence unworthy.
Yet, the limbic system continues working and that need to connect is always
there. If you have read Franz Kafka’s story ‘ The Hunger Artist’ you probably
know what I mean. The hunger artist dies trying to fast for 45 days. And the
only reason he fasts is that he does not like the food that he is being given. The
point being , the craziest of people actually need only the slightest of
understanding . They won’t be irrational , they just won’t be miserable.
Sometimes it may appear that misery and rationality go hand in hand. But I have
recently learnt that that is a falsehood. The purpose of being rational is to
see the truth. And the truth is sublime , though sometimes hurtful. But the
quest for the truth can never really be worth misery. I think it is more
rational and logical that the quest for the truth yields happiness as opposed
to misery. Of course as Bukowski said, “ Beautiful lies , beautiful lies …. Al people
want to hear is beautiful lies .” But then a rationalist is following the truth
because it makes sense and is beautiful. So shouldn’t the truth bring happiness
and not misery? Isn’t a rationalist’s love for misery just another defence mechanism
, or ‘ wall’ or ’shield’ from letting people in? Based on my experiences I believe
that being rational can never mean being miserable. There are certain moments
when beauty presents itself as logic , sometimes it presents as emotion. It
would be a shame if one could not experience both.

Consider the case of a doctor . Working in medicine wards
for a while has taught me that a government hospital gets the most
heart-wrenching cases. Now a doctor has to be rational. He has to not let any
emotions cloud his judgement since his job is ultimately to treat. And nothing
can come in the way of the right diagnosis or the right treatment. But beneath
the white coat , too there is a man. And if you followed the medical jargon in
the preceding paragraph , he too has a limbic system and an insula( the centre
for empathy). He too naturally feels for someone in pain . So what should our
doctor do? Does he become cold and just treat the disease and not the patient ?
Or does he get so involved in the patient that he makes the wrong diagnosis?
Head or Heart? This brings in the concept of medical ethics-The idea that a
physician must be empathetic and understanding along with being objective in
his treatment. This naturally allows both head and heart to function. And that
middle path is what makes the best of doctors. The fine balance between head
and heart.

And on the personal front , there is a time when you have to
listen to your heart , even though your mind is not always sure. Because
somethings (such as emotion) truly aren’t answerable by a logical approach in
their purest form. Sometimes the best analysis is to know when to stop
analysing and when to just savour the moment for what it is rather than what it
could be.

Ultimately , it should suffice to say that a human
ultimately has both head and heart, not just one. The best doctors are those
who feel and treat. The best friends are those who you do not have to analyze.
After all , every recluse needs a muse.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Fear in, fear outI fear what I doubtI doubt what I fearSwing such a banner over yonderuntil I am forced to stopI shoutOne tear, two tear, three drip, dropI sit on my throne and ponderthere is no "I" in chaosWho is at the door?Knock, knockI answer not

Friday, 25 July 2014

*We change but the rain is always the same as. Sometimes the rains bring back memories. Sometimes they bring out the children in men.Sometimes it takes us back to the cocoon we shed.*Dripping, dropping in a steady beat,

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Remember that time something got your eye? When you really
felt something? When you truly loved something in all its purity? Was it the
colourful kite you saw at the fair as a child? Or were they the stories you
father would tell you at bedtime? Was it that song you heard on the radio that
makes you smile a wry smile every time you hear it? Was it that time you were
out playing with your friends in the first monsoon of the year? If you have experienced
something like this you probably know what innocence means.

I don’t think I am capable enough to describe that wondrous
state. After all it is a feeling, not an equation or a medical condition to be
defined and then laid to rest in the yellow forlorn pages of a dictionary in a
quiet library. It is a living, breathing state of mind, or rather a state of
heart. It is that time you let go of all judgements of all preconceived notions
and you think from that softened part of your mind and heart untouched by the
crafty and hard world. When you see beauty in anything without any filters or
distortions or suspicions, exactly like a child would.

But as I said the world is by and large judgemental, exacting,
cunning and many more of the adjectives that your favourite poets and artists
love using. And this is the world we have to live in. So we adapt, we change,
we stop being children and grow up to being men and women of the world. And in
this metamorphosis innocence becomes the discarded cocoon.

People lose their innocence trying to deal with the world.
Some end their innocence themselves thinking it is too childish, thinking they
need to grow up, to prove a point. From personal experience I can say that not
a day passes that this category does not wish to go back to that place of
childish purity.

You see, sensitivity is very much associated with innocence.
And sensitive people find it very hard to survive in this insensitive world.
And so we learn to hide our sensitivity as we grow up , lest we get hurt. We
are too afraid of being hurt. So we view the world through the filters of our
defence mechanisms. It may be vices for some, art for some, some in their charm.
It is exactly as Edith Wharton says in the age of innocence ‘He simply felt
that if he could carry away the vision of the spot of earth he walked on , and
the sky that enclosed it, the rest of the world might seem less empty.’ So we
hurt beings walk on to safer places , when we cannot find a safe place for our
innocence , we choose to shroud it.

There is a very sensitive version of ourselves that we
conceal within ourselves because we think that the whole world is insensitive.
But what we do not realize is that everyone who has grown up also has some
concealed sensitivity within themselves. You see innocence requires a place of safety,
a safe home if you will. Somewhere free from judgement free from malice, free
from greed and manipulation. This is where I think art is just the most
wonderful safe home. Why can we still relate to poems and songs and paintings
and novels so very well? Be it Mansfield or Mozart or Munch or Metallica<insert
the unforgiven trilogy here > it is because these artists let their
sensitive side onto the strings or canvas or paper and it resonated with that
sensitivity that you have. That is why teenagers literally worship their rock
gods( I know I did and do) why artists defend their masters so much

It’s actually comedic. We hide our innocent and sensitive
side in fear of being judged and secretly wish other people would show us that
side to themselves. A lot of the times, it comes down to who opens up first.
You always (and surprisingly may I add) find people who you can show this side
too. That’s when the other person finds out that he or she isn’t the only one
with that shrouded innocence. To understand someone means to be able to
understand their sensitivities and not judge i.e to look at it with innocence.
Now I’ve not been on the side that speaks first a lot , but I know how good it
feels when you connect at the level of shrouded innocence. It may be taking a
huge risk. You may be putting yourself at great risk. And that is why you have
to be sure on whether or not you have found a safe home. Otherwise, the world
can always use more artists. And yes it does hurt when someone hits you where
your sensitivities lie. It hurts incredibly badly.

I guess you have to lose innocence to know its value. Every
kid wants to grow up too fast and every grown up wants to be a child again.
Maybe that is the best test to know who is a child and who is an adult. All I can
say is let that innocence remain somewhere in your heart. Not so deep that it
suffocates and can’t ever come out and not so much on the surface for every
passerby to twist at their whim and fancy..There is a difference between innocence and naivete . You might be loved for your innocence and you will be punished for your naivete. Knowing to differentiate between the two is what growing up is all about and not hiding away your sensitivities.Ultimately all I can say is never put the keys to your innocence in someone else's pocket. It’s the key to that
special place where you let yourself in and where you let your guitars and pianos in, where
you let your notebook and diary in and where you let your palate and paintbrush in. And most importantly it
is where you have to learn to let people in. After all innocence is bliss .And happiness and bliss love company.