Healing break-up woes

We’ve all been there. Things were going so well in your relationship when all of a sudden you’re told that ‘it’s just not working’. You’re left with nothing but a shedload of old Valentines Day Hallmark cards and a head full of now unwanted memories. And just when you’re hiding from the world under your duvet you find out from a ‘helpful’ friend that what is ‘working’ for your ex is a skinny blonde with bubbies that would make Dolly Parton gawp. What can you do? Here’s a plan for you…

1) Get it out of your system, if only for a couple of hours – and treasure your friends

You know you want to. Tears, chocolate ice cream, those old romantic songs and the lake scene from Pride and Prejudice, wishing that Mr Darcy will come along and sweep you off of your feet – it’s all a part of the break-up process. Everyone’s allowed to go a bit Bridget Jones now and then, even if you hate her and everything she stands for, so whip out the big knickers and wallow in self-pity.

If you don’t want to do this alone, get your friends over. Not only will they put things into perspective, they’ll stop you trying to ring him, cheer your soul by scribbling all over pictures of your ex’s new girl, byatch about how she’s not a patch on you (which is probably the truth)… and finally, but most importantly, they’ll hold your hair back if you drink yourself to the point of up-chuck. Friends are always best in a crisis.

2) Remove temptation

‘I just want to make sure that he’s okay, just because we broke up doesn’t mean I have to stop caring. It’s just one phone call.’ We all do it (when we all know that you shouldn’t) but snivelling/screaming down the phone to your ex is not dignified. Delete his number from your phone, or at least your brain, and you’ll thank yourself for it eventually. Do you want to boost his already over-inflated ego by letting him know how much he’s affected you? No way!

3) (And while you’re at it) Get rid of anything that reminds you of him

If you’ve seen the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about – except nowadays we can’t engineer tailor-made brain damage to wipe your memory. We can, however, work with the phrase ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’ It won’t fully heal your broken heart but by bagging up all of those old gifts and photos you’ll have no physical objects to remind you of him. For maximum effect (and depending on how angry you’re feeling) dump the stuff on his doorstep in terrible condition, especially the expensive stuff. A small token of revenge works wonders.

4) Eat

Cake, chocolate, ice cream. Comfort food is the way to go, baby. Trust the sanitary towel ads when they say that chocolate releases ‘happy hormones’. Honestly, who doesn’t feel better after stuffing their faces with a galaxy bar?

5) Dance

I’m told that exercise produces the same endorphins that chocolate does and who am I to say otherwise? However, if, like me, you think jogging around the corner isn’t what you’re into, a quick prance around the front room should sort you out. Good music will always raise your spirits and make you more the person you know yourself to be. Unless, of course, you choose a song that reminds you of public enemy #1 (which I wouldn’t recommend). If nothing else, some wild, wanton dancing give you a chance to work off all that cake.

6) Get out!

Whatever you do, make sure that you do something. Redirect any emotion into organising a night out then go and have a ball. It’ll keep your mind off of him and you’ll feel better after you get a few drinks down your neck. This also has the added bonus of potentially making him jealous if he finds out from the grapevine that you appear to be over him so quickly.

7) Repeat after me

‘He’s an arsehole. He’s not worth the effort.’ Now keep repeating until you start to see that it’s true.

8) Don’t phone in sick

You’re feeling fragile right now, that’s understandable but the last thing you need is a day in bed moping. Get out there and throw yourself into your work, even if you wouldn’t normally. It’ll give you something to do and stop you thinking about him.

9) Get creative

Diary entries, painting, lyrics, poems – whatever your outlet, work it. Venting bad emotions on paper gives you a chance to sort your head out and also stops you from venting down the phone to you-know-who instead. One thing about relationships, even good ones, is that you can put yourself on hold, so being single again is a chance to get into some projects you’ve thought about but not got round to doing. You owe it to yourself.

10) When you fall off of a horse, get straight back on it.

Maybe bouncing back by snogging the face off a complete stranger in a club probably isn’t the best of ideas but it’ll confirm that you are not worthless/ugly and that your ex wasn’t the only guy in the world. Now get back out there and revel in the fact that you’re free again!