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Introducing SinWin behavior tracker

LAS VEGAS - CES - February 11th, 2016 - LifeHacker Church, a leader in the spiritual fitness market, today unveiled SinWin, a behavior tracking app, which together with the wearable technology in the SinWinSkin bracelet, make up a comprehensive sin management solution.

Never before has behavior tracking been easier or more accurate. Instead of journals, logs, accountability partners, and the "leading" of the Holy Spirit, SinWin wearable technology allows you to monitor works of the flesh in real-time. When you fail to take a thought captive, SinWin will know and so will everyone else. SinWin technology incorporates sensors monitoring heart rate, speech, core temperature, perspiration level, ergonomic state, and electromagnetic radiation to derive your SinScale - a rating for your depravity.

The technology is complex but the result is simple.

And effective.

Here's how it works:

Each day your SinScale starts with a score of 10,000 points. Every sin detected reduces your score. Lustful thought? Minus fifty points. White lie to a co-worker? Take away twenty-five points. One cupcake too many? That will cost you fifteen points. Micro-transgressions such as pangs of jealousy and Facebook envy subtract anywhere from three to eleven points.

"Before SinWin, you would need to come to church to get your weekly dose of guilt, shame, and condemnation but now you can have all those functions on your wrist," said Walter BeeBee, lead pastor and CEO of LifeHacker Church. "Before SinWin, pastors would have no idea how well you behaved in the past week but with our social media integration, your followers will know exactly how many times you viewed porn in the past hour because it will show up in their news feed."

In response to concerns that SinWin will make pastors obsolete, Bebe said this: "The beauty of this app is we pastors have always suspected you're sinning more than you think and now we can know for sure. Now we can focus on what we really should be doing - keeping you from tipping the SinScale. We all know the goal of the Christian life is sin management and now we can monitor your sanctification progress better than ever before."

In-app purchases include customized notifications such as "You have exceeded your husband nagging quota for the day" and even preemptive alerts such as "When you go into Starbucks, don't stare at anything in yoga pants".

Customer testimonials include:

"Before SinWin, I only heard 'recalculating' when I was in the car but now I get to hear that British-accented woman every time I do something wrong"

"Unbelievable. I was 200 points down before I even got out of bed this morning because I had a strange dream with leprechauns"

"I got a 1475 last week and earned the 1K crumpled angel wing badge. I'm hoping to get the Donald Trump hair badge for seven consecutive days of avoiding Muslims."

And the benefits of SinWin don't end with you.

Steve Yang, LifeHacker Chief Technologist and father of twin toddlers, explained: "This app will also revolutionize parenting. We had helicopter parenting before but this will usher in the age of drone parenting. Parents can monitor their child's SinScale using their smartphone and have more time to do more spiritual things than waste time parenting their kids".

Asked how Jesus would have rated on SinWin: "Pretty close to 10K" Bebe replied. "We're still working on how our algorithm rates his death and resurrection on the SinScale but we're confident our programming team will have it down in the next release."