Category: Arizona Diamondbacks

In this year’s baseball draft the Arizona Diamondbacks drafted a player who was paralyzed during a game in college. This was a kind gesture by the team, but opens my mind up to hatred, jealousy, and an array of offensive jokes. This is just where my mind goes.

How does a paralyzed guy get drafted? I couldn’t even make the 12-year-old travel team in a less than superior league when I was a preteen. I was pretty good too. I could walk…which is the first “step” in playing sports.

I’m incredibly jealous of this guy. Why wouldn’t I be? He will always get to say he was drafted into professional sports and I never will. It’s not fair. This teaches a bad lesson to kids. It’s similar to when they let a retarded kid score a basket or kick a ball off his face and let it bounce into the net at a soccer game. It’s cute, but it teaches us that there are three groups of people. There is the ELITE, the MIDDLE CLASS, and THOSE WE PITY.

The Elite are the people who work hard and cheat their way to the top. The Middle Class are the common folk who desire more and were not given the talent to do it, because not everyone is created equally. Those We Pity are people we are told are so weak that we have to let down our guard and treat them special, like the paralyzed baseball player. I’m sure it meant a lot to him. At the same time, this is a reminder to him how much he is going to miss out on. Even worse, he was originally drafted in 2010 when he had the ability to tap dance, but turned it down for college. An even more important lesson here, college is bad.

Of course the guy would never actually get a chance to play. He was drafted by the Diamondbacks, not the Marlins. I wonder though if he did get the chance to play how it would turn out. What would he do when he got into an argument with an umpire? He can’t kick dirt. He wouldn’t be able to score any “runs” nor would he ever get any “walks.” The announcers would never be able to say “he legged out a triple” because not only would that be an obvious and unneeded mention of his legs, it would also be impossible for someone paralyzed to hit a baseball deep enough into the right field corner then get around the bases that fast. Of course, it’s always possible if Delmon Young is the right fielder. God he is fat.

(A fat Jew-hater. No wonder the media hates him)

I once broke my league while playing baseball. Do you know what I got? A wheelchair to sit in and a semi-interesting story to tell. I also got a hit with a broken leg. Granted, now that leg hurts constantly, but back then we were only 11 games out of a playoff spot with 6 games to go and it meant something.

I don’t feel bad for this guy at all. The rest of his life will be spent doing some sort of work, possibly even front office baseball related due to the story. If not, I’m sure he’ll get taken care of in some way. So with this I announce my plan to get paralyzed publicly because clearly I am not in the Elite, a category you have to reach by the team you reach a certain age. I’m not Those We Pity because people are too mean to me. I’m stuck in the Middle Class. Like an NBA team that finishes with the 8-Seed, I’m stuck forever hoping either I marry royalty or catch a rare disease.

Perhaps I’m wrong about all of this and the guy will play. After all, baseball is 99% mental and 1% physical. With that logic, Stephan Hawking should have the home run record and have a lifetime average of .462. It’s a bullshit quote that mothers used to tell their fat sons. My mother told her fat son it. I think she got baseball confused with sex. Now that’s something that’s 99% mental and 1% physical. Want to please a girl? Lie there stiff as a board for that 1% and let her use the other 99% with her own mental capabilities. If she’s dumb, well, the sex may not be very good for her. But who cares? You still didn’t have to do much and the dumb ones are always the hottest.

(Stupid girl. She doesn’t even realize she’s letting someone take a picture of her. Put on a shirt clumsy!)

One fantasy draft strategy a person can consider is picking players based on what team they play for. Personally I believe this is a strategy that can work. Factoring in ballpark, the team’s lineup, the team’s bullpen and other things, you can make decisions on those late round draft picks without having a clue as to who the guy even is.

Top 3 Offensive Teams

When choosing position players you want the most well-rounded you can get. You want someone who hits for average, power, and knocks in a lot of runs. Sorry for stating the obvious, but I needed some sort of introduction here.

Guys like Ryan Braun, Albert Pujols, and Miguel Cabrera have consistently hit for average and power. They are much more valuable than say a Ryan Howard who will hit 40 home runs with a .255 average or a Jose Reyes who will hit .330 but only hit 10 home runs and knock in around 60. When the later draft rounds come, and they will come, pick players from these teams:

Toronto Blue Jays

They are the Vegas favorites this season and the American League team I will be pulling for. Their projected lineup looks to be something from the early 90s Blue Jays days with potential league leaders in several categories. I don’t believe they will win it all but surely their offensive numbers will jump up for just about everyone. There’s no more pitching around Jose Bautista. I expect him to have another fine season as long as he stays healthy.

Overlooked Player: Catcher J.P. Arencibia

He may not be the best catcher to take, but as a backup he should do more than most, especially if the Blue Jays live up to the hype.

Washington Nationals

For the most part they are the Blue Jays of the National League. They are well-rounded in many ways. Their ballpark isn’t particularly for hitters however unless you’re in Colorado or San Diego that rarely makes much of a difference. With 36 games against the Mets and Marlins, expect much of this lineup to put up big numbers.

Overlooked Player: Short Stop Ian Desmond

Short stops are not as good as they used to be. Desmond will supplement what was only for a short time a nice offensive position. He jumps around the lineup a bit which may hurt him. Other than that, Desmond could be a good starting SS for any team.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Rather than go with the Rockies here or even the Anaheim Angels, I decided to pick the Diamondbacks. The big outfield in Arizona has supplied many hitters with a few more doubles than home runs they deserved at times, but the positive is down the right and left field lines. With the absence of Justin Upton this year, others will have a chance to step up. The team is young and right now in baseball young is good. There are no Mike Trouts or Bryce Harpers on the team. Still, guys like Jason Kubel, Cody Ross, or youngster Adam Eaton (no relation to the pitcher, I hope) may have a few more pounds to their slugging percentage.

Overlooked Player: First Baseman Paul Goldschmidt

Maybe not the first baseman of everybody’s dreams, Goldschmidt is still a viable candidate to put up some big offensive numbers. Look to add him as a back-up or as a starter if you somehow forget about getting someone like Prince Fielder.