There must be some kind of law that kicks in whenever a prominent politician leaves office, requiring every columnist and pundit to blather on at length about the triumphs and tragedies of that esteemed figure's checkered career. Penalties for failing to comply with this statute range from being demoted to covering the zoning board of appeals to running your copy on the comics page below "Family Circus."

Having begun my journalistic career on the zoning-board beat ("After extended discussion of sewer right-of-way, audience members in coma") and having watched seemingly competent adults drool and use baby talk after tracing Little Billy's wanderings, those are punishments I'm not willing to risk.

Therefore, I'm obligated to announce a two-part series on the legacy of Democratic Governor John Baldacci, who departs next month as Maine's chief executive after eight years in office (seems longer). In this week's installment, I'll be discussing his successes.

Just kidding. I'm sure a little research will uncover plenty of glorious victories by the Baldacci administration. Such as:

(Note to editor: Quick, the photo!)

PINE TREE ZONES When then-gubernatorial hopeful Baldacci proposed this business development plan in 2002, it seemed sensible. If by "sensible" you mean "fatally flawed." The concept called for offering tax cuts to companies that created jobs in the poorest parts of the state. The problem was that even with those breaks, most entrepreneurs still weren't interested in locating in the boondocks. They told the governor that if he didn't reduce their taxes without forcing them into the hinterlands, they'd shift their expansion plans to more accommodating parts of the country. Soon thereafter, the entire state was designated one big Pine Tree Zone, which meant all the new development went where it's always gone — southern Maine.

ONE-STOP SHOPPING FOR PEOPLE IN NEED OF STATE SERVICES This never happened, but I count it as a success because Republicans now embrace the idea. Except the GOP wants it for businesses, and Baldacci intended it for poor people. You say welfare, I say Wal-Mart.

REDUCING TAXES OK, this didn't happen, either, but in the midst of a terrible recession, the governor did hold the line on increasing broad-based taxes, putting him in conflict with much of the Democratic legislative caucus. He deserves a couple of points for that. Unfortunately, he loses those points and more because his policies shifted the fiscal burden onto property taxes and failed to address growing debts to the state's hospitals and shortfalls in funding for the pension system, transportation, and education. His long-promised tax-reform plan turned out to be politically unpalatable and was repealed by the voters, as was his tax on beer, wine, and soda to fund the Dirigo Health program. Speaking of which:

UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE You've probably forgotten that in his first run for the Blaine House, Baldacci promised everybody would be covered. That pledge was later downgraded to providing some kind of coverage to the working poor. Then, to some of the working poor. Now, he says he'll cover anybody the feds will pay for. "I think Dirigo is a modest success," he told the Lewiston Sun Journal in 2006.

(Note to editor: You haven't forgotten about that photo, have you? I'm drowning here.)

Nobody dies Some things in life are essential — beer, the MLB Network, caller ID — and some things aren't — tofu, Jay Leno, the Maine Department of Economic and Community Development.

Instead of cuts: guts Let’s assume, reader, that you’re concerned about economic and social justice. For those in real need — people who are poor, sick, old, mentally ill, addicted, disabled — you want decent care. You’re concerned, too, about proper funding of schools, community colleges, and university campuses.

Addicted to distraction I have just finished conducting extensive scientific experiments that required me to wear a white lab coat, to order my deformed assistant to dig up corpses from fresh graves, and to combine common household chemicals in plastic soda bottles. The results of my tests are indisputable.

2011 predictions: Winds of chance It's impossible to predict the future, obviously, but we at the Phoenix have peered into our crystal ball in search of important issues that will arise in 2011.

What's missing? After an intense investigation into the backgrounds of Republican Governor Paul LePage's nominees for top administration posts, I've discovered an astonishing lack of diversity.

LePage's secret bankers Paul LePage was making national headlines last week for all the wrong reasons: telling the NAACP to "kiss my butt" on the eve of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, dismissing the civil-rights organization as a "special interest" he won't be "held hostage" by after its local director expressed concern at his declining to participate in MLK Day events his predecessors had (see more here ).

Protect teachers' pensions Our governor proposes more money for K-12 education, no cuts in funding for higher education, and increased funding for Medicaid. Good for almost everyone. He also promises to lower the personal state income tax for upper-income earners, and to eliminate the estate tax. Better for the already fortunate.

District 7 endorsement: Vote Tito Thirty-five-year-old Tito Jackson, a former economic development official in Governor Deval Patrick's administration, is the candidate most deserving of District 7's votes.

Rhode Island's ticking time bomb This is a story about the pension crisis that's tearing apart Providence and Central Falls and just might lay waste to the whole goddamn state.

Going, gone Republican Governor Paul LePage should do himself, his party, and his state a favor by pulling a Sarah Palin and resigning.

The League ReEmerges What better way to explain an electoral system (or anything, really) than by using cupcakes?

SMILING FACES | November 03, 2014 In an attempt to ease the state’s severe cognitive-dissonance shortage, the arbiters of good taste have spent this election season beseeching candidates to practice both civility and sincerity.

REASON HIDDEN | October 24, 2014 Late last year, Michaud publicly acknowledged his homosexuality. The experts were quick to claim it wouldn’t be a big factor in the gubernatorial race.

SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE | October 16, 2014 Want to save the taxpayers of Maine over $60 million? It’s so simple even somebody with no political skills at all can do it.