Vatican's Knuckles At Risk In Showdown With Nuns

In showdown, the ruler will rule the rulers

I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I am 100-percent behind the nuns.

Fear has nothing to do with it.

They can't do anything to me now … can they?

The Vatican is trying to rein in American nuns for "promoting radical feminist themes."

My God, I thought, when I read this: What are these religious rebel rousers doing, burning their unmentionables?

Without getting into the specifics of the dispute, let me just say this to the boys in Rome who are picking this fight: What, are you guys looking to be martyrs?

I know of nuns.

I have been taught by nuns.

I have been guided by nuns.

I have been on the wrong side of nuns, and it is a place you do not want to be.

The sisters are tough.

The sisters are like ninjas, and I'm not just talking about the black outfits.

They are highly skilled in the art of tongue-to-tongue and ruler-to-knuckle combat.

Seriously, you pit a sword-wielding martial-arts master against a fifth-grade nun with a 12-inch ruler, and it will be no contest. Within a few seconds the martial-arts master's knuckles would be so sore he would be unable to knock on a door for a month.

And after the martial-arts master was disarmed, the nun would grab him by the ear and march him off to detention before he knew what was happening.

Here is a little known fact about nuns: You know why they wear those flowing robes?

A lot of people think it's to hide body armor. It's not. Rather, it is to conceal the fact that they pump iron. Most nuns could play in the NFL if they wanted to.

Here is another little known fact about nuns: They have eyes in the back of their head, a lesson I learned, as I have learned most lessons, the hard way.

Aside from being physically intimidating, nuns are skilled at verbal engagement.

In my entire life, I have never seen a nun lose an argument. I don't know how they do it, but they have this way of leaving you feeling guilty, even if you are not guilty. Not that I was ever not guilty, I'm just saying.

If the guys in the Vatican were smart, they would back off. As the philosopher "Dirty Harry," once put it: "A man's got to know his limitations."