Monday, 2 January 2017

3 Years of Blogging, 2016 Chat, & Lessons Learned

This is a bit of a strange post. Mostly because my last is dated from the 28th June, but also because I wanted to take a more personal approach and talk about my life. Today marks emiloue's 3rd year anniversary, and with it also being the start of 2017 I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my 2016. This isn't a recap or a resolutions post, and I'm sure it'll be greatly ignored, but this is one of those cases where I have to write this for myself.

My year started off amazingly. In January I went on a date, and then I fell in love. Like, ridiculously fast, head-over-heels in love. I have a lot of insecurities when it comes to relationships due to plenty of rejection and confusion in the past - and I certainly held back a lot of my true feelings for the first few months - but looking back, it was so easy. Liam is honestly one of the kindest people I have ever met, and every single day he manages to make me smile and laugh and feel loved without fail. I've never felt like this about anyone, and so our relationship is without a doubt my greatest 'thing' to come from 2016.

I made new friends at uni, went on an amazing holiday to Cape Cod and Boston in the summer with my family, moved into a lovely new flat, and began my job as Fashion Editor for Magdalen Magazine, my uni's student run magazine. The latter was something I never imagined myself doing, but I absolutely love my role and have made a really lovely group of friends on the team. I haven't been there long, but I'm excited for the future of our little creation.

In October things started to change, however. My flatmates and I were given an ultimatum and to cut a long story short, I'm unwillingly being moved out of my safe place, and to an area of town that I have no interest in living in, with a huge rift having been caused between myself and the people I live with. The stress of trying to stay where I am, failing, and therefore having to go through the moving process really took its toll on me, and so for a good couple of months now I've just not felt like myself.

All motivation to do anything outside of uni (thankfully the fear of failing keeps me going there) slipped. I no longer read or wrote anything, I stopped working out for the most part, and I spent so much time alone myself in my room that time just seemed to drag on. I haven't worked on this blog for half a year now - mostly because I find it difficult to juggle both uni and this, but also because I have no inspiration or inclination to. Almost every night I cried myself to sleep because I couldn't handle the stress or the fact that my flatmates wouldn't even speak to me, and I could feel myself putting a strain on the relationship between my boyfriend and I. Thankfully, he's a sweetheart, but it hurts when I think about how I've caused silly arguments or had to rely on him so much.

It makes me sad that my year is ending on such a down note. As much as I try to resist it, I do tend to think of the new year as a chance to start things afresh, however this year I'm honestly finding it difficult to be motivated and hopeful. I'm currently staying at home with my family, but soon I'll be heading back to uni and having to unpack into a room I don't want to be in. I'm going to have to face a lot of things head on, and it honestly scares me. Liam is also wanting to take part in Camp America this summer, and although it's at least five months away, I'm already scared about not having him around. I'll also have to start thinking about life after uni - I'm in 3rd year now but in September I'll be starting my final year. I have no idea what I want, and it's only adding to the confusion.

I know that this post isn't the lighthearted read that most people would like, but it needed to be written. And although it doesn't sound like it, I have learned so much about myself from 2016 and I do have hope that 2017 will be better for me. In terms of goals, I do have some small targets to set myself. I'd like to learn brush calligraphy, try out the bullet journal method, and tone my stomach up. Nothing groundbreaking, but some small things that I know will bring me some joy and relief. I don't know when I'll post here again, but know that I truly want to. It is of course another goal to post more on here, and one that I always kick myself for when I don't manage to.

In case he does read this, I want to thank Liam for helping me through so much in the (almost) year we've been together. I've told him already many times, but maybe a public declaration will help convince him a little more. And thank you to you reading this. Sorry I've been gone so long, but I'm still so grateful for all that you've done just by reading my silly posts.