Wednesday, December 31, 2003

i dreamt of evil again. and i woke, a few minutes past 2 a.m. i dreamt of demons and ghosts chasing me. why do i always have nightmares each time i have an exchange with him? i texted him last night, partly because i was bored and antsy, partly because i missed him. sort of. and he texted me christmas but i didn't text back. so i said sometimes i catch myself missing you. but then im reminded of all the pain you've caused me. i dunno if you've got a short memory, but i'll never forget. so im starting my new year by burying old bones. including you.

to which he replied, if that will help free you from your balls and chains. even though it pains me so.

i was irritated by his reponse because i felt him say it through his teeth. it felt suspiciously like a lie. so i said, you didn't have to say that. i don't believe it anyway. it was childish, spiteful. but i felt insulted. was it because i was expecting a different response? maybe i was disappointed. was i expecting him to say "i missed you too?" or something equally as syrupy?

he then responded, believe you what you want. whatever i say you wouldn't believe anyway. to which i texted back, because your word means nothing. ouch. i know. why couldn't i have been more diplomatic? because i'm still angry. sometimes seething. he hurt my pride. he hurt my ego after i risked everything to have him.

his last response wasthats your perspective and you're entitled to it. i didn't back after that. i hadn't spoken to him in such a long time and we ended up arguing. yet again. i am tired. i want to be free of him. my conscious mind says it. and my subconcious makes me see demons. when will i be free?