TV preview: What to watch tonight

Well the world has turned on it's axis once since last met so I suppose that makes it Saturday. What better way to usher everything primetime has to offer by locking some celebrities in a clear plastic box and torturing them with sadistic games thought up in someones garage?

Kicking off your Saturday night is The Cube: Celebrity Special on ITV at 6pm presented by Noel Edmonds wannabe Phillip Schofield. This week it's the turn of Boxer David Haye to enter the cube and make an utter fool of himself stressing out about bouncing balls into boxes. Sending athletes into an arena to do battle against challenges invented by the elite and presided over by a higher power deciding success and failure, all to entertain the masses? I know it sounds familiar but it's probably nothing.

How to make The Cube more interesting? Cut off the oxygen halfway through and watch in glee as David goes purple while still trying valiantly to roll a ping pong ball across a curtain rod.

Sticking with ITV until 7pm, and why wouldn't you, will bring you out at the brand new series of Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway. Like a takeaway it's a cheap impression of something you could probably make yourself but with more additives that leave a bad taste in your mouth. Yes the interchangeable geordie tweedle dum and tweedle dumber are back with another hilarious two months of pranks, capers and competitions.

If you'd seen the ad campaign that's been harassing regular ITV goers for the last fortnight you might think that the pair had really changed things up this their eleventh season. But nope, I don't know what I was expecting really. Maybe instead of hiding Eamonn Holmes's car keys they fake his wifes death. Front door kicked off it's hinges, raspberry jam hand prints leading to the safe and when the coroner, Dec in disguise, pulls back the white cloth...Waa hey! It's Ant.

Again, ITV's commissioning department have been slow in replying to my emails, but you know where you heard it first.

If you're still with me after all that there's The National Lottery: Who Dares Wins on BBC 1 at 8:30pm. Because that's what The Lottery needs, an element of risk.