Books

Talk to Me First. Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person About Sex.

Nationally acclaimed educator and author of Sex and Sensibility, Deborah Roffman distills her more than thirty years of experience teaching kids—and their parents—into this indispensable guide, helping you to be your kids’ number one source for information and guidance on human sexuality. Roffman tackles everything from developmental stages to strategies for handling embarrassing or difficult conversations, offering the best ways to make sure you both keep talking (and listening).

We live in a time when kids of all ages are bombarded with age-sensitive material wherever they turn; “sexting” and bullying are on the rise at an increasingly younger age, and teen moms are “celebrified.” What is a concerned–and embarrassed–parent to do? With wit, wisdom, and savvy, Deborah Roffman translates her experiences gleaned from decades of teaching kids and parents, and as a mom, into strategies to help parents navigate this tricky terrain. Talk to Me First is for any parent who wants to become and remain the most credible and influential resource about sexuality in their children’s lives.

But How’d I Get In There in the First Place?: Talking to Your Young Child About Sex

Deborah Roffman’s second book, But How’d I Get In There in the First Place?: Talking to Your Young Child About Sex, was published by Perseus Books

For parents of three to six year olds, a wise and charming guide to talking about sex, conception, and birth. Young children ask questions about sex, sexuality, conception, and birth that can be embarrassing or uncomfortable for parents. With her characteristic good sense and cool head, author Deborah Roffman will put even the most awkward parents at ease, giving them the skills to talk confidently with young children about these important but delicate issues.

In this wonderfully reassuring book, readers will learn that the key to talking with children about sex is knowing that their questions fall into three easily recognizable categories. At age three or four, kids are curious about geography (“Where was I before I was here?”), and at four or five, about delivery (“Exactly how did I get out of there?”). Finally, the six year old’s classic stumper–“But how’d I get in there in the first place?”–is about cause and effect, not about imminent sexual activity!

Praise for Deborah Roffman and Talk to Me First, Sex and Sensibility, and How Did I Get In There In the First Place?

If you are uncertain how to talk with your child about sexuality, or worry that you’ll say the wrong thing, you would be wise to invite Deb Roffman over for tea. If she’s not available for a personal visit, the next best thing is to get a copy of her new book, Talk to Me First. The tagline for the book is, “Everything you need to know to become your kids’ ‘go to’ person about sex.” With her decades of experience, teaching sexuality education at The Park School (Maryland), offering hundreds of sexuality education education workshops for parents and serving as the co-editor of three issues of Independent School on sexuality and education – Roffman has clearly established herself as the education world’s “go-to” expert. While Talk to Me First is written primarily for parents, it’s also a great resource for educators as well.

Roffman – in her calm, clear, affirming way – underscores the importance of parents being the first voice children hear on the subject of sexuality, acknowledging our children as sexual beings, being open to all their questions, understanding the various stages of their brain and bodily development, being clear about our values related to sexuality, and – perhaps most challenging of all – understanding the “delicate art” of setting limits.

We live in a time when kids of all ages are bombarded with age-sensitive material wherever they turn. “Sexting” and bullying are on the rise at an increasingly younger age, and teen moms are “celebrified.” What is a concerned — and embarrassed — parent to do? With wit, wisdom, and savvy, Deborah Roffman translates her experiences gleaned from decades of teaching kids and parents, and as a mom, into strategies to help parents navigate this tricky terrain. “Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ ‘Go-To’ Person about Sex” (Da Capo Press, $14.99) is for any parent who wants to become and remain the most credible and influential resource about sexuality in their children’s lives.

Bookviews by Alan Caruba

I was raised in an era when parents did not discuss sex with their children, but that is not an option in the present era when children grow up with all manner of sexual language and images in everyday life. It starts when they are quite young and Deborah Roffman has penned Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kid’s ‘Go-To’ Person’ about Sex($14.99, Da Capo Press, Lifelong Books, softcover). It is filled with excellent advice on topics such as teaching kids to view the sexually-saturated media critically, becoming approachable to ask questions regarding sex, and learning how to communicate with information, clarity about values, anticipatory guidance, and setting limits. The author has written extensively on this subject and really knows what she is talking about. The fact is that kids are going to be able to get their information about sex from a myriad of sources including, of course, popular culture. Today’s parent has the responsibility to be the primary source of advice and guidance for age-appropriate information.

Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go to Person” About Sex

Sex educator Rothman (Sex and Sensibility), a former member of the National Advisory Council for Sexual Health, encourages parents to “stay ahead of the media tsunami” and take their rightful place—partnering with schools—as the “go to person” when it comes to educating their kids about sex. For Roffman, human sexuality is the “richest, deepest, and most extensive” subject there is, and one can clearly sense her joy and exuberance in addressing her subject. But, she says, many parents are fearful and squeamish about talking with their kids about sex, which leaves the topic up to media outlets, advertisers, merchandisers, and others who are engaged in the “adultification” of children, without their best interests in mind. Roffman stresses that talking to kids about sex in a “sensible, normal and matter-of-fact” way is the goal, but first parents must overcome their own fear of using the words and talking the talk. She suggests that parents don a metaphorical “five-piece suit” and get to work, addressing five core issues of affirmation, information, clarity about values, setting limits, and anticipatory guidance. Roffman’s frank and vibrant pep talk will give parents the inspiration and tools needed to tackle the subject of sex with their kids. A rather slim appendix covers “some basic facts all adults should know,” including a brief synopsis of STDs. (Aug.)

Author Deborah Roffman underlines the importance of talking to children about sex

In an age when it’s nearly impossible to control when our children are exposed to sex. The best we can do, writes author and sexuality educator Deborah Roffman, is get to them first.

“The role of adults is to put information in context for children,” says Roffman, whose new book, “Talk to Me First,” is a guide to “the talk” in the 21st century. “If we really understand what children are asking when they’re 4, 5 and 6 years old, and we interpret the question correctly, then we give the message that we’re the go-to person about this topic. But if parents try to change the subject or give a vague, offhanded answer, children learn that they have to go someplace else for this information.” [Read the complete interview.]

TALK TO ME FIRST
Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go to” Person About Sex

An informative, helpful guide for parents contemplating how to talk to their children about the birds and the bees.

Parents are often plagued by the prospect of appearing indecisive and tongue-tied to their kids in those moments of truth, writes Roffman (But How’d I Get in There in the First Place? Talking to Your Young Child About Sex, 2002, etc.), a scholastic sex educator and mother of two who began brainstorming for this book after Janet Jackson’s overhyped Super Bowl “wardrobe malfunction.” She offers relief by counseling parents on sensitive matters of timing and the dissemination of facts. Unfortunately, she writes, American schools are typically years late in providing even basic sexual knowledge to age-appropriate children. Roffman discusses a laundry list of commonly used statements about sex and doesn’t shy away from more sensitive material such as abstinence, gay and transgendered kids, sexually transmitted infections and rape. Throughout, she emphasizes the importance of positive, direct interaction with children. Her “five piece suit” approach stresses the significance of nurturing and parental roles in recognizing core needs like values, boundaries and guidance. Stories, analogies, scenarios and case studies bolster Roffman’s case, as does some good-natured humor. While it may be uncomfortable for parents to consider their children as “sexual people,” a chapter near the book’s midpoint serves as a primer course on human biology, development, reasoning, acceptance and the importance of honest communication at every stage of a child’s life. In utilizing this important guide, parents can reclaim the sexual education of their children instead of surrendering it to the influence of misguided media advertisers.

Rabbi Elliot N. Dorff, Ph.D., is Distinguished Service Professor of Philosophy at
American Jewish University and author of Love Your Neighbor and Yourself

“I only wish that my wife and I had this book when we were raising our children! Actually, I wish my parents had had this book too! Wise, honest, and funny, Deborah Roffman addresses all the fears and hesitations parents have about talking to their children about sexuality, puts the topic in its proper, broader context of parenting, and gives helpful advice.”

“Reading this book is like sitting down with a wise, warm, and supportive best friend—she happens to be a sexuality educator—who tells you 1) what’s really going on with kids and sex; 2) why this is happening; and 3) what you need to do about it. Deborah Roffman will make you feel confident that you can and will handle this crucial parenting task. Read this book. You and your kids will be glad you did.”

William J. Taverner, Editor, American Journal of Sexuality Education

“Deborah Roffman is one of the most enlightened thinkers in the field of sexuality education today. To truly understand what sexuality education is all about, people of all ideologies need to stop digging in their heels, and truly listen to what Roffman has to say.”

“Deborah Roffman is our most articulate champion of sensible and wise sexuality education. I have referenced her work in conversations with my own children, and recommend her to all parents who wrestle with the question, ‘So, how do I talk with my kids about sex?’”

Matthew Stuart, Head of Caedmon School and
former Middle School Head at National Cathedral School

“Deborah Roffman has been my ‘go-to’ person for parents, faculty, and students when it comes to having a sane, healthy, and helpful conversation about that ‘scary’ subject called sexuality. The fears and awkwardness are replaced by intelligent, thoughtful commentary, and school communities are happy, relieved, and enlightened once Debbie has spent some time with them!”

Sex & Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex: A new paradigm for talking honestly about sex and sexuality with our children

Reviews for Sex and Sensibility

“As sex educators go, Roffman is among the best of the best. For 37 years, she taught sex education at the Park School, a private K-12 school in Baltimore. She’s led more than 100 sexuality education workshops for parents and teachers and authored popular books on the topic, including “Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex.” Her next book, “Talk to Me First” is due out this July.”

Tamara Kreinin, President and CEO, Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS):

“Deborah Roffman has skillfully taken the essentials from her sexuality education classes to help strengthen the dialogue between America’s parents and their children. This is required reading for both parents and teachers on this important subject.”

Joseph DiPrisco, co-author, Field Guide to the American Teenager:

“If you are shy about having the so-called sex talk with your children, or worried you have missed your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Deb Roffman gives you everything you need to get over it. She provides you the tools to shape a developmentally appropriate conversation, not to mention the encouragement and confidence to put this book down and knock on your child’s door right now!”

Sex and Sensibility: The Barnes and Noble review (by Kate Montgomery)

My three-year-old knows there are certain words that are inappropriate for him to use, words like “stupid” and “idiot.” Whenever he hears them, he is proud to proclaim, “That is not a nice word.” The other day, however, he overheard a conversation about the sex of a baby and promptly informed the speaker that “sex” wasn’t a nice word. Since we have certainly never discussed “sex” with him, we had to wonder where a three-year-old, without older siblings or playmates, picks up an idea like that! What should we, as parents, do about it? We wouldn’t want our child to grow up thinking that sex was inherently bad, but isn’t age three a little young for the birds and the bees? Deborah Roffman, a certified sexuality and family life educator, addresses this and countless other issues of pressing concern to parents who want to raise sexually healthy children.

The book is built upon a set of six basic beliefs:

Sexual knowledge is good for our children.

Too little sexual knowledge too late should be our concern, not too much too soon.

Sex means more than just intercourse.

Values education is at the heart of sexual education.

Sexuality means more than just sex.

Parents and schools have a moral responsibility to educate children about sexuality.

The author writes about each of these issues persuasively and with precision. As she does so, she emphasizes the practical steps parents can take and the simple conversations parents can have that will help steer our children toward healthy sexual development.

Throughout the book, Roffman emphasizes the power language has to influence and mold our thinking, and she offers language to help readers rethink sexuality. For example, to use the word “sex” to mean only intercourse implies that the same responsibilities do not necessarily apply to the whole range of other sexual behavior — a topic quite relevant even to presidential politics in the ’90s. She points out that “sexuality” involves more than just a broad view of “sex” and includes health, values, intimacy, sensuality, gender, and development. Although the emphasis on exactly which words to use may seem trivial to some parents, the author’s discussions of why particular words and phrases are unhelpful contain very practical information and advice for the parent or teacher struggling over what to say and how to say it.

Despite the serious and potentially uncomfortable topic, Roffman uses an efficient, conversational tone that gets to the heart of the issues and takes time for a laugh or two. As she explains that she never set out to be in the field of sex education, she writes, “In one recurring nightmare, I run into an old boyfriend from college. When he learns what I do for a living, he can be heard laughing uncontrollably. They finally have to sedate him to get him to stop.”

This is not an encyclopedia of facts about sexuality — the reader will not find out how long it takes to get a 100 percent accurate result from an HIV test. Instead, Sex and Sensibility attempts to help us reshape the ways in which we deal with our children, from toddlers to 20-year-olds, with respect to sex and sexuality. It offers ways to see, ways to listen, and ways to talk and behave so that our children learn how to make wise and happy choices about all things sexual. –Kate Montgomery

Sex and Sensibility: The Amazon.com Review (by Jill Lightner)

Is there any topic more controversial than the sexual education of our children? Parents worry about telling too much or not enough, schools are restricted in what they’re allowed to discuss, and kids are filled with a combination of surprising misinformation and depressing detail on disease without ever having been taught about the possible benefits and enjoyment of feeling comfortable with their bodies.

Deborah Roffman, a longtime teacher of sexual education for both children and adults, has assembled a thorough book that attempts to address moral and physical issues for every age. The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex is decidedly not for those whose sex speech begins and ends with “just say no.”

Roffman’s take on sexual education is that it is a lifelong exploration that should encompass changing cultural values and an individual’s personally evolving ethics as well as the practical facts of proper health care. Put plainly in one section’s title, “sexuality is about people, not body parts.” Including a discussion of gender roles and history, and appropriate levels of information for everyone from toddlers to teens,

Roffman attempts to cover all the bases with a mix of theory, historical perspective, personal stories from her own classrooms and kids, and practice questions and situations that parents can eventually expect from their children.

Breaking down this complicated subject, she identifies five core needs that all questions fall under: affirmation, information giving, values clarification, limit setting, and anticipatory guidance. This last category relates to parents’ ultimate goal of making themselves “dispensable,” secure in the knowledge that their children have been raised with all the information needed to make the right decisions for themselves–decisions that will result in a sexual health that blends their emotions, minds, and bodies with ultimate success. –Jill Lightner

Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex, was published in January, 2001, by Perseus Publishing. Sex and Sensibility is available online from Amazon.Com or from your local bookseller.

Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder Boys:

“Sex and Sensibility is a remarkably wise book. It offers a new way of thinking about sex and sexuality and shows parents the way to best communicate that understanding to children of all ages. This is essential reading…it will help all of us be better parents.”

Michael Riera, co-author Field Guide to the American Teenager:

“Our kids, from an early age, are more curious and more knowledgeable about sex and sexuality than most of us dare to image. Fortunately Deborah Roffman has written this book to assist us in initiating and getting comfortable in these life-affirming discussions. By book’s end, you might even find yourself looking forward to these conversations!”

But How’d I Get In There in the First Place?: Talking to Your Young Child About Sex

Deborah Roffman’s second book, But How’d I Get In There in the First Place?: Talking to Your Young Child About Sex, was published by Perseus Books

For parents of three to six year olds, a wise and charming guide to talking about sex, conception, and birth. Young children ask questions about sex, sexuality, conception, and birth that can be embarrassing or uncomfortable for parents. With her characteristic good sense and cool head, author Deborah Roffman will put even the most awkward parents at ease, giving them the skills to talk confidently with young children about these important but delicate issues.

In this wonderfully reassuring book, readers will learn that the key to talking with children about sex is knowing that their questions fall into three easily recognizable categories. At age three or four, kids are curious about geography (“Where was I before I was here?”), and at four or five, about delivery (“Exactly how did I get out of there?”). Finally, the six year old’s classic stumper–“But how’d I get in there in the first place?”–is about cause and effect, not about imminent sexual activity!

Reviews

Rabbi Elliot N. Dorff, author This is My Beloved, This is My Friend: A Rabbinic Letter on Human Intimacy

“I frankly wish that my parents had had this book when they were raising me and that I had had it when I was raising my own children. It is a wonderfully warm, witty, and, especially, wise book….Absolutely everyone should read it.”

“Sex and Sensibility offers parents a concrete, practical and sensible road map to guide their sexual health parenting skills. Every parent needs this book to ensure their children grow up to be adults who are respectful, responsible, and are capable of healthy and safe intimate relationships.”

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The Harvey Weinstein Challenge: Combating Sexual Harassment In and Out of School
I encourage you to read my article published by NAIS.
https://www.nais.org/learn/independent-ideas/january-2018/the-harvey-weinstein-challenge-combating-sexual-harassment-in-and-out-of-school/

I am quoted in this good article in the Washington Post: “A Man Tries to Explain Sex to his Son and Finds the Meaning of Life” by David Strauss, Washington Post, January 8, 2018.
“Whenever a topic touched upon sex, my body would tense up, my words were limited, and I never over-answered the specific question asked. Here's what I learned.”
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2018/01/08/a-dad-tries-to-explain-sex-to-his-son-and-realizes-the-meaning-of-life/

Whenever a topic touched upon sex, my body would tense up, my words were limited, and I never over-answered the specific question asked. Here's what I learned.

A Key To Appropriate Behavior: Self-Respect
Following my recent letter in the New York Times, I was interviewed for the program On The Record, on WYPR, public radio for Baltimore and Maryland. The program was titled, “A Key To Appropriate Behavior: Self-Respect,” on December 7, 2017, and the audio is here.
http://wypr.org/post/key-appropriate-behavior-self-respect
“We talk with Deborah Roffman, author and human sexuality educator at the Park School of Baltimore, about eye-opening events in the past five years that changed attitudes about taking what you want versus getting permission. Roffman teaches boys and girls as young as 9--fourth graders--and says forming personal boundaries starts with building self-respect.”

The intense reckoning America is experiencing around sexual harassment didn’t come out of nowhere. We talk with Deborah Roffman , author and human