It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing. If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that. So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet. Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?

Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight. First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal? We didn’t think so. Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs. What does Wally Mankowitz create? Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.

It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

NSFW Grant Proposal Due Date Clarification

The NSFW proposal deadline date for Fall 2014 is October 6, 2014. All future years thereafter, the proposal deadline date will be September 15. If September 15 falls on a holiday or weekend, the proposal deadline date will be the first business day that occurs after that.

PROGRAM GUIDELINES

Solicitation 69-666

DUE DATES

SYNOPSIS

This funding partnership between the National Science Foundation of the World (NSFW) and the Noticeably Endowed Hunks (NEH) supports projects to develop and advance knowledge concerning an abundance of NSFW topics. Made urgent by the imminent death of roughly half of the approximately 7000 currently used perversions, this effort aims to exploit advances in information technology to build computational infrastructure for cataloguing the insane and the icky. The program supports projects that contribute to data management and archiving, and to the development of the next generation of incorrigible perverts. Funding can support sex work and other activities relevant to the digital recording, documenting, and archiving of endangered perversions, including the preparation of lubes, sex toys, sex samples, and databases. Funding will be available in the form of one- to three-year senior research grants as well as fellowships for up to twelve months and doctoral dissertation research improvement grants for up to 24 months.

EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY

This program provides educational opportunities for Undergraduate Students, Graduate Students, Postdoctoral Fellows, Werewolves, Wererats, Wereturtles, Vampires, Deep Ones, Elder Things, Crack Whores, Freemasons, Sasquatches, and members of the Bavarian Illuminati. Individuals interested in applying for funding should see the program guidelines above.

AUGUSTA – On Wednesday morning, in a show of solidarity with the Scottish people, Maine Governor Paul LePage announced to reporters outside the statehouse Maine’s own bid for independence. “It is with great pride that we can finally stick it to the tax-and-spend loonies in Washington, and this coming November, have the choice to leave the bloated carcass of the United States, forging our own road as a free and independent Maine,” said the Governor.

Other residents said they support the bid for independence, but are concerned about the long-term viability of such a plan. “Theah’s boun’ ta be a few roadblocks, along the way,” said lumberjack John Bunford of Rumford. “But ah, we got a lot o good folks with good hahts, so I think we can get theah from heah.”

When asked about his plans for the fledging nation, if the referendum passes on November 4, Governor LePage declared that overall, Maine would remain “pretty much the same it was, except one or two things, considering.” When pressed about foreign policy, LePage declined to comment about rumors swirling about a proposed invasion of the neighboring Canadian province of New Brunswick, with the alleged aims of both reforming the defunct Republic of Madawaska, and settling the border dispute over Machias Seal Island and North Rock once-and-for-all.

Is response to the Governor’s announcement, Portland, Maine Mayor Michael Brennan announced the city’s intentions to remain a part of the United States, as an exclave of Massachusetts to be named “North Boston.” This will be first time the two territories have spoken since their bitter breakup in 1821, as a result of the Missouri Compromise.

LAWRENCE JOSHUA CHAMBERLAIN is a proud Mainer. He is a fan of little round tops and being governor of Maine

The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide? Is this a coverup? And if so, who benefits? Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.

1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch

I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm. It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess. Must take a long time to shave!

2. Ariana Grande is Nessie

That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing? THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.

3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra

She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.

4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal

Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.

5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm

We’d had our suspicions all along.

One final possibility…

EVERYONE IS A LIZARD. ERRBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS A LIZARD. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. ALL OF THEM. EVERY ONE.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.