Sunday, September 28, 2014

The issue that I am about to speak of is very rarely discussed. Although I have found very few who share my sentiments, it is hard to believe that I am among the minority who can go the rest of their life without hugging another human being and be completely content, nay, ELATED by the thought of this.

There is not much literature about those who just do not want to hug other human beings twenty-four, seven. Now, do not get me wrong, there is a time and a place that I find that hugs are not completely repulsive and vomit inducing. These occasions, however, are not as often as our very ignorant society wants us to believe.

For so long, so many people have tried to make me feel like I was the one with the "problem." For so long, people tried to convince me that I had some kind of "intimacy" issue (gross, who the fuck says intimacy anyways? I hate myself for even typing the word). For so long, people have insisted on psychoanalyzing my desire to not be touched by people who I am not either: A) related to or B) good friends with or C) fucking (and even then, I think if we are fucking, a hug is pretty damn unnecessary).

...disturbing. That was hard to watch.

Oh, she was probably not hugged enough when she was a child. Oh, she was probably hugged too much as a child. Oh, she must of had a traumatizing experience with hugs that she has repressed all of these years. Oh, she must be some kind of serial killer or, even worse, a REPUBLICAN. I have heard it all, people.

The truth of the matter is, hugs are silly and they are often forced intimacy. Neither party wishes all that much to take part in the hug, but they feel like they can not leave the room unless they have followed a certain protocol.

Hugs also set up a new platform for judgment. Constantly I find myself in front of a judge and jury of my peers, pointing out the shortcomings of my embraces. "You hugged too tight," "You didn't hug tight enough," "You need to tap my back three times, not two," "Don't grab my butt, that's sexual assault," these are just some of the frivolous complaints that I have no time for.

You know that age-old scenario where you are out with your friend and your friend runs into a "close friend" of theirs who you have never met before and who happens to be with some other "close friends" who you have never met before. Well, after some friendly conversation, when it is time to leave, your friend (a serial hugger) decides to begin the hugging ceremony, not leaving until each and every one of these people receives a proper hug. Where does that leave you? Yup, you guessed it, forced into the hugging ceremony yourself. There you are, expected to hug complete and utter strangers for no good reason. Who needs enemies when you have THAT kind of a friend? This is why I do not leave my house anymore... because of people like this.

Now, you would think that once the secret is out about your distaste for hugging, things would get better, right? WRONG! People just LOVE to talk about how you hate hugging and it ACTUALLY makes you more desirable to hug. People want to hug the unwilling, it is just a fact.

Unavailability is the most desirable trait in any woman or man. People always want to hug what they can not have.

Then, there is the constant task of coaxing other people's fears and insecurities, to convince them that it is not that you are not hugging them because they are disgusting. You try to convince them that it is you who has the problem, not them! The classic, "it's not you, it's me."

Well, guess what, assholes! It's not me, it's fucking you! A hearty handshake should fucking do the trick. A passionate and heartfelt high-five is just as valuable as any hug.

Open your mind and close your arms for crying out loud! See something from my perspective for once!

Saturday, September 20, 2014

"If you need an example for how to live, then you shouldn't have been born." For a man who is filled with wise words and bon mots, this is perhaps the most profound. Well, excluding, "filet mignon that pussy", of course (but that goes without saying...).

The quote has a simple message, denouncing role models and, instead, promoting self-expression and independence. In a society that is obsessed with this idea of "role models," we have forced un-role model-y people into this category without their consent and with no thought to how counterproductive this really is.

Celebrities, athletes and public figures are left with no choice but to be "role models" to young children and young adults (AND TO EVEN ADULTS!) Well guess what, nit wits? Not everyone wants to be a fucking role model. And, to be frank, I don't fucking blame them. This is America, goddammit.

For years I have heard arguments against people like Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus or any of these other women (who at the end of the day are just trying to score a buck). People have bitched for years that these women are "horrible role models for girls." And while I agree that these women do not exactly follow the "feminist" agenda, they also never signed up for that shit. If you do not want your daughter watching Britney parading around in a thong and a snake around her neck... then don't let your daughter watch Britney parade around with a thong on and a snake around her neck, for crying out loud.

Solutions, I have 'em.

These people are not Harriet Tubman, Mother Theresa or Rosa Parks. These are CELEBRITIES.

Now, with this recent Ray Rice incident, the public should (but probably won't) take away some crucial lessons:

1) Elevators have changed. A spot that used to be on the sex bucket list for many (a place for erections and love-making), has turned into a place of terror and brutality. First, the Solange-Jay-Z thing and now this! If you can, take the stairs, escalator or avoid any functions where you will have to leave the ground floor.

2) Just because someone is a professional athlete, does not make them a "hero," or even a role model, for that matter.

Let me expand on number 2. Many people seemed to be shocked and disillusioned by the video footage that came out of Ray Rice punching and knocking his wife unconscious. It was as if they found out that Santa Claus wasn't real or that Mother Theresa was actually a serial rapist. People were shocked and outraged by the NFL for covering up this disgusting act of domestic violence, as if they have not been doing this since the beginning of time.

But why were people so shocked by the NFL's actions?

For so long people have been brainwashed to think that these athletes are these heroic figures who performed miracles (Mariano Rivera made a blind man see!) When, in reality, they are just overpaid people with a skill. These corporations have sold images of heroes and knights in shining armor and, you my dumb biddy friends, have bought into it completely.

The recent heroizing of Derek Jeter has been a constant presence in both my news feed and media coverage. People, I know he's hot (and I have wanted to bang him since I was five) and he can catch a ball really well, but did he solve world hunger? Did he find the cure for AIDs? Did he do ANYTHING besides play fucking baseball?! Questions, I pose them.

If you answered no to all of those questions, then I ask you, what makes him so great? What makes any of these professional athletes heroes in our eyes? Why are we surprised when we see these organizations trying to cover for the people we have bought into? I mean, people still love Kobe Bryant, despite the fact that he is clearly a serious sex-offender.

If you ask me, (which you didn't, but I don't care) people get upset when their illusion is shattered for any amount of time. They feel uncomfortable when they find out that A-Rod is a raging douche bag or that Ray Rice is not the person they want their son to grow up to be. But rather, that these peole embody and suffer the human condition just like the rest of us, including anger, hate, greed and violence. Why are people so obsessed with this heroizing or demonizing of everyone and everything? Why can't people just be, like, humans? Why do we need to suck every professional athletes player's dick (metaphorically and literally)?

If you ask me, I am sick of the dick sucking. It is quite tedious and, truth be told, my jaw is awfully fatigued.

Besides, if people should be looking up to anyone, they should be looking up to ME.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Again, another couple of weeks go by and I ignorantly shirk my duties as royal biddy queen. Not to mention the fact that this has been a CRUCIAL past couple of weeks in the blogosphere and you guys probably need me now more than ever. Let us review the past couple of weeks: Olivia Wilde posed while breast feeding her child sexily (as if there is any other way to breast feed your child if you are Olivia Wilde!), at least four different female celebrity posed nude while pregnant (they are so original!), Taylor Swift continues to make a spectacle of herself and, oh, re-update: Nikki Minaj still has a big ol' ass.

Surprise, surprise.

But most recently, the articles that have grabbed most of the public's attention are related to the "scandal" involving some leaked nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and company. Jennifer Lawrence has established herself as the "girl next door" who is just "SO relatable you can't even believe it!!!!!" For years now, she has talked nonsense about "being fat" and obsessively blabs in interviews about her supposed "love" for eating.

I do not think I am the only one who is not fooled by this malarkey. While Jennifer thinks this may sound genuine and relatable, anyone with half a brain would stop and ask the questions: "uh, you're fat? So what the fuck does that make me? A candidate for gastric bypass surgery?" Just because you eat a snack once a week, does not give the license to sell yourself as a token "fat girl." You have a nice ass and huge tits, that is not "fat." (This is a constant thing I see in the media, skinny girls with big tits and nice asses referring to themselves as "fat." They think that this gives them the right to hate on "skinny bitches" everywhere. Well, blow me!)

Okay, back to the main topic at hand. Celebrities like Lena Dunham have quickly come to Jennifer's defense, stating how the people who post these photos are sex-offenders and some other stuff about feminism or whatever.

Also, Lena has even condemned all of those who were curious enough to sneak-a-peak at Jennifer's junk. I have a strange inkling, however, that Lena is just jealous that people are distracted and are not looking at HER vagina for once. Each episode of Girls assaults the viewer with Lena's naked body. God FORBID we saw anyone else naked now and then.

"LOOK AT MY VAGINA!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT NOW!!!!" -Lena Dunham

Then, you have people like Ricky Gervais who (rather callously) claims that celebrities should not take these pictures and keep them on their phone if they do not want the public to see them. This is a stance that seemingly many social media users have agreed with over the past week. Many have seemingly blamed Jennifer Lawrence for the whole entire thing!

Personal side note: I believe the last nudie that I took of myself was when I was about seven years old. I used a polaroid camera to take a picture of my butt in order to piss off my older sister. That was the end of my nude modeling career, if I remember correctly. I tried to get that photo leaked for YEARS, to no avail. I even taped it on the door of my room but it never went viral.

I think I can articulate my thoughts about this issue similarly to how you explain defensive driving. Allow me to give you these pearls of wisdom (keep up, bitches!)!! When we learn drive, we learn the rules of the road, the rules that that we will legally be held accountable for. When we are taught to be defensive drivers, we learn things beyond what we are "legally" obligated to do. We learn how to foresee other people's mistakes or miscalculations on the road and how to avoid them. For example, if we see we are about to be hit by a car making a stupid move on the road, we do not just stay the course because we are legally "doing the right thing," we avoid the collision and make up for the other douche bag's short-comings. If we are hit, it is not our fault but... who the fuck wants to get hit either way?! This is how everyone should treat this particular issue about technology and social media. Yes, Jennifer's privacy was violated and that is wrong. She never had any intentions or desire to share those pictures with the public and she has every right to her privacy. However, malicious and self-serving people exist and that's just the fact of life. What's more, these douche bags aren't going ANYWHERE, anytime soon. So, to keep things safe, if you wanna keep your cooch to yourself, do not take any nude pictures on your phone and save it on your iCloud.

By the way, how the FUCK does the iCloud work anyways? The increasingly dark and mysterious ways of the iClould should be motivation enough to keep your shit on lockdown.