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Zoe On Training Humans…

Greetings, dear friends, from The Land of Zen! It is I, Zoe the Fabulous Feline, back after a short hiatus. I live with a human by the name of Emily, and sometimes I write about my life and adventures with said human.

This is not so much a chronicle of our adventures as it is an educational essay, one that contains useful and valuable information. Animals and humans alike will benefit from what I will share here today. You’ll be offering me unlimited treats after you’ve read what I have to say. So … let’s get to it.

As you might have gleaned from the title, today we are going to talk about training humans. Felines – and you canines, too – listen up. The most important thing you have to know … you must believe … is that YOU ARE THE BOSS. Your human does not own you.Youown your human. Once you get this straight in your head, training your human can actually be fun.

Next, you need to realize that humans are a little slow. Sure, they have larger brains than we do, but those brains are filled with useless information. They don’t understand that they exist to fulfill our every wish, to care for us as the royalty we are. So, you must be prepared to repeat these training sessions as often as necessary until your human falls into line.

Let me give you an example of how I implemented my stratagem. Please note that what follows describes how Emily tries to train me, and what I do to foil her efforts. (I like that she keeps trying, though. Otherwise, life would be dull.)

Emily wants to feed me at a certain time of the day, specifically, in the morning, and only when shedecides to finally get her butt out of bed. Could be early, could be late—but I just can’t eat that way. I want to eat when I am hungry. So, when I see the sun rise and my belly tells me it’s time to eat, I jump onto her bed and make my way gently up to her sleeping head, meowing softly. If she ignores me, I get right up in her face and meow a little louder. I do know that some people are hard of hearing, but I also know Emily isn’t one of them. She’s just ignoring me. My meowing gets steadily louder until Emily eventually gives up and “wakes up.”

She will then give me a condescending little pet on the head and, pointing to the foot of the bed, she’ll say, “Go.” And I do. (Hey, I am not evil.) I don’t stay there long, though; sometimes I go back and cry in her face … again. This process repeats as many times as it takes to get her out of bed and into the kitchen, mumbling to herself the entire way. Please don’t ask me what she mumbles. That is not fit for family consumption. (Chris is forever reminding me that this is a “family-friendly” site.)

Other times, when I’m sent to the bottom of the bed, I’ll swat at her feet while I’m there, or even take a nip at one of her toes (ok, I’m a littleevil). That ploy works every time. It takes only a second for a frustrated, barely-awake Emily to jump out of bed, pick me up, and put me outside the bedroom, closing the door in my face. Okay, game on.

I wait outside the door until I can sense the quiet that tells me she’s back in bed and all snuggled in under the blankets. She thinks she’s got me beat. That I will skulk away in defeat. Wrong! I attack the door, meowing loudly the entire time. She cannot abide that at all, and I get my breakfast lickety-split.

You see, by assigning me to that spot on the bed, by putting me out of the room and shutting the door when I cry for my meal, Emily is trying to condition me to live on her schedule. Foolish human.

At the same time, I admit I am trying to train her, too—to just get to the inevitable sooner rather than later. Then I remember … she is only human. While training a feline is futile, training a human can be done successfully. And an obedient human is a necessity for a peaceful life. Emily is doing better, but still has a ways to go; therefore, my efforts at training her will continue. Because I love her … also, it’s just plain good for her.

At the beginning of this little “story,” I told you that both four-leggeds and two-leggeds would benefit from my feline wisdom. How a four-legged benefits should be self-evident.

But since you humans are a little slower on the uptake, I will spell it out for you. Your lesson is simple: Give up and give in. Don’t fight it. Your felines and canines have a will far superior to yours.

Don’t feel too badly, though. In return for your unmitigated obedience, we give you unconditional love. That should count for something. Just do what we ask so we are not compelled to go into full demand mode, and all will be right with the world.

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23 thoughts on “Zoe On Training Humans…”

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I, Garfield the magnificent, am in total agreement with your training methods. It took a few months, but I have my two-legged thoroughly at my beg and call. As you probably know, I have managed to escape her wiles on four – count them FOUR – attempts to get me into a box. I think we would be excellent housemates, Zoe!