Iranian Film Company To Document American Fraternity Life

Those of you who have read my work before know that I am a pretty big fan of America. We’re pretty much the world’s undisputed champion in a lot of things (mainly wars), and everybody knows it. Sure, we have a flaw or two, but for the most part, we’re incredibly awesome. Just like the top house at your school, all the bottom tier losers are always trying to give us shit.

Not surprisingly, a bottom tier loser of the world, Iran, is talking shit about us once again. I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on some documents or manuals laying out the Iranian military’s doctrine. While ours focuses on using superior firepower, maneuver, and air superiority to engage, overwhelm, and destroy our enemies in close combat, I’m pretty sure that some generals over in Tehran wrote a field manual that’s something like “Shit Talking Based Offensive Operations: Tactics, Techniques, and Procedures.”

In their latest effort at, well, whatever they’re trying to accomplish by attempting to make us look bad, the Iranians attacked an institution with deep ties to individuals high up in American government and industry, and in fact, the American way of life as a whole. Those sick, tyrannical fucks were talking shit about fraternities.

PressTV, a state-owned Iranian media company, well-known for Holocaust denial, reporting news that is essentially propaganda, and hating everything that has to do with America, has taken to “documenting” America’s youth.

The documentary, called Behind the Campus Walls, begins in San Francisco as the crew follows a student into some seedy places as he tries to get a fake ID. Pretty boring stuff. Come on, PressTV. You can do better.

The producers and their crew then head to Ole Miss (which I’m sure was a bit of a culture shock for those freedom haters). After harassing and berating a freshman girl because of her revealing clothing, they follow around some officers from the campus police department as they issue alcohol citations. That’s really poor form, guys. If you’re trying to make a documentary about America, you shouldn’t film campus police, considering they’re the only people in the world who respect individual rights less than the Iranian government.

At one point, the narrator even asks what is actually a hilariously good question.

“Between tradition and debauchery, where lies the true face of American universities?”

Well, I’m no expert, but if you’re looking for the true face of American universities while at Ole Miss, I’d take a look at The Grove on game day. That’s actually a pretty great mix of both tradition and debauchery.

Later, the PressTV crew happened to find some students who apparently hate America.

There’s also a scene in which the PressTV crew rides around with a group of Ole Miss students taunting fraternity and sorority members on rush night. After teaching the Iranians a couple lewd backronyms for sororities, one of the boys, Clay, explains that Greek-affiliated students are like “homophobic super-Republicans.”

Soon after, while trying to film on the lawn of a fraternity’s house, the film crew was kicked off the property. Good. It’s bad enough when our own media outlets try to falsely portray us in a bad light. The last thing we need is some idiots from a country where “human rights” is the punch line of a joke on late night TV to be filming us and editing it down to make us look bad.

The documentary picks up the sort of tone you’d expect to hear from a narrator during a film about the Freemasons, Federal Reserve, and Reptilian aliens’ combined plans for world domination.

As the camera pans over rows of frat houses, the narrator explains that it is “every student’s dream to be admitted into one of these majestic houses,” where, “behind the fraternity walls, there are no rules.” The key selling point? Access to alcohol. Here we get a hilarious explanation of what exactly fraternities are — top-secret networks of power that connect American elites, sending alumni into the top levels of U.S. government (George W. Bush, Condoleezza Rice), business (Donald Trump), Hollywood (Brad Pitt), and the media (Ted Turner). All told, the Greek system is presented like Freemasonry with Natty Light and Lacoste pastels, complete with its own initiation rituals and secret handshakes.

I don’t understand what they were trying to do here. That’s a pretty accurate explanation of what fraternities are all about. Access to alcohol, majestic houses, and top-secret networks built upon alumni relations? Sounds good to me.

By the way, you Iranian jackasses were right about one other thing. It is every student’s dream to be admitted into our houses.

The crew did end up capturing some footage of Ole Miss on the Saturday of a football game. While they tried to portray young people getting drunk, heckling opponents, and being delinquents, they actually did something else — when people in Iran see this documentary, they’re going to see fraternity men having a great time surrounded by attractive women.

I took a class on immigration trends in college and I believe that’s what’s known as a “push-pull factor.” Thanks to that scene, I bet a bunch of folks in Iran are going to start saving up for one-way tickets to the greatest country on earth. That’s America, by the way.

The documentary isn’t just focused on Ole Miss. Remember, it started in San Francisco. The PressTV crew also did some filming at UC Berkeley. There, they were actually allowed inside the Beta Theta Pi house. I wonder what lies the crew had to tell the Betas to get into their house.

Being the good, gentlemanly fraternity men that they are, the Betas were not only kind enough to let them into their house, but they also gave them a tour of the place. The chapter president gave them their exclusive tour that showed a pretty honest picture of every day fraternity life.

The crew filmed the brothers doing mundane activities like casual morning games of beer pong and heated Xbox matches. The president, known only as Andrew, was even kind enough to take them into the chapter room. Expecting some crazy Illuminati ritual room, the film crew was probably preparing for macabre scenes of torture, humiliation, and other horrible things they associate with the rites of initiation. Instead, they just saw the room where the chapter would meet to discuss business.

A a business major in a Cal polo [showed] the camera old composite photographs of fraternity alumni. “These dudes …” he solemnly announces, holding up a faded picture from the early 20th century, “are like … prehistoric.”

In all, I don’t think the filmmakers got what they wanted. Sure, they probably edited the footage enough and used suspenseful narration to make everything have sinister undertone, but in the end, I think the documentary is going to only provide another example of how great our country and our way of life is.

The full documentary isn’t available online yet, but the trailer can be found on YouTube here:

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoTweets) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school back in the day. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

If that’s the standard by which you judge American allies, we might as well have 0 allies. Japan denies the war crimes they comitted against the Chinese in WW2, should we cut them off too? No we shouldn’t you dumb fuck.