I’m Derek (redacted), and I’m promoting a website about drug and alcohol dependence. I have been searching the Internet for sites we think would be just right for our campaign, and your site has caught our attention. Having said that, I’d like to inquire if you’re open to the idea of an ad placement on this page: http://dogsondrugs.com/2012/03/15/what-would-lindsay-lohan-do/.

Please let me know your thoughts on how this could work for you, or if you already have ad rates in mind. Our budget for this campaign may not be that much, but we’ll do our best to reach an agreement with you that would be fair and appropriate for the both of us.

Thanks for your time.

Derek

Bear in mind that the page that Derek would like to link from contains the following phrase: “[…] you’ve got to use classy drugs like cocaine, oxy’s, or (if you’re in a cool rock band) heroin.” Yes sir, if there’s one web site that people go to when they want information about alcohol and drug dependency, it’s clearly this one.

Crispy-fried Jesus in a bucket, Derek, you caught me at the exact right moment for this kind of trip. Did you ever spend an hour or two hiding in the girl’s locker room when you were a kid, waiting and praying for a bit of luck, when all of a sudden: ZANG! The Hottest Girl in School walks in and slowly begins to peel off her top when she hears you emit a low moan and slowly approaches, licking her lips and sauntering over, rolling her hips in That Way until she throws open the door to the utility closet and says to you, “Normally I’m a good girl, but today I’m feeling naughty” and you realize that you were at the right place, at the right time, and never in a million years would a dream like this ever take place again because the odds were so stacked against it? Well, I never did that, and if you’re not a filthy, disgusting pervert, neither did you.

God damn it, Derek, can we be Serious here for a minute and talk about the Business at Hand? I’m in no mood for frivolity, and I’ll be damned if I will sit here while you pour out your sick, twisted fetishes to a complete stranger. We will be Serious, or we will be Done.

Now, what I want to know is what kind of Fiend would want to advertise on my site? I’ve got to assume it’s some random pack of Derelicts & Weirdos, looking to slip one by our impressionable youth and Lead Them Astray. I will not stand for this. At least, I will not stand for this for less than $100 per click, with a cap of $50,000 payable in cash, in a manila envelope. Also, I’ll need an Alpaca. I’m not entirely sure what an Alpaca is, but My Associates assure me that I’ll need one, so we may as well make them happy too, eh? It will not do to upset the Associates.

Speaking of which, My Associates have just informed me that answering emails is a service that I should expect to be paid for. Please give me your billing address so that I may cripple you financially. Or maybe I’ll just bill you a dollar. Life is fickle, and I find it entertaining to be so as well. You spin The Wheel and take Your Chances, hoping that it doesn’t end with blood-thirsty Goons smashing your knees with a ball peen hammer.

Jesus, did I just write that? Disregard that, Derek. If we can’t be brothers on this, then I’d just as soon we not be enemies. Let’s start over.

I just want to know why they think a picture of green alien hands holding a diseased human heart is going to make me quit smoking… mostly it makes me want to buy a shotgun to deal with green aliens who are going to rip my heart out of my chest.