A boy just like all the boys before

I finally get that G.N.B is not “the one”.
I should have known a while ago that our relationship was already over.
But I’d chosen to fight blindly and I proudly did that till the day I could.
I fought hard, I fought beyond my limits, I fought till the end for a love that I used to believe on, for a love that he used to make me feel.
And only God and I know about the shit I’d to get through and all the demons I’d to fight all alone just to be with this boy! Because that’s what love is about, you do whatever it takes to stay close to the person you love without measure the consequences… You just want them to be happy and seeing them happy makes you happy too. And then love grows…
(well I’d thought it would work this way but I was a fool and then he took me for granted).
I changed my entire life because of him and for nothing in return but illusions followed by the biggest heartache and disappointment I’ve ever had.
Not that I completely regret though, we had our good moments and I am truly grateful for the things that only we know, I am grateful about the way that only him could make me feel and the things he taugh me but I will not deny that I expected more from him. I expected at least for him to not being so dick and for so long… (he played bad with me for months but it actually was my fault as I should have quit much earlier… well, anyways it’s January 19th, 2012 and the words “we should broke up” came to light via email and now it’s here too).
A man that seemed to be so especial, a man that easily got from me a part that has had no other, but nonetheless, ended up being nothing…
And it’s sad coming to terms that he will be possibly remembered forever this way – a boy just like all the boys before.
I wish things were different.
But he deliberately aimed for that.
He broke me putting me on my knees… He ignored me as no one else have ever done still I was always there for him.
I’m hurt and I will not play the victim on the situation surely my heart’s still wishing for him, but I just can’t and won’t keep lowering my standards because of someone that clearly doesn’t worth it and honestly this “love” is becoming literally too pricey.
I already hit the ground and I’m not willing to start digging.
This torture must stop! I can’t allowed myself being treated like shit because deep down I know that I deserve better than this.
So for this reason I say that I’m officially done with him;
I’m done because he’s no longer the same man I fell in love with;
I’m done because there’s no love left;
I’m done because he just don’t care anymore;
I’m done because I still have some respect for both of us;
I’m done because someone has to say it!
I’d be lying if I didn’t say I know at times I will miss him, but I think this time won’t hurt as much as last, the feeling is already numb… And this time, I am content with the choice I made, actually happy with it. I’m excited for 2012.
I’ve learned a lot through this but mostly I’ve learned to be true to myself and never settle for less because I know that I always deserve more!
So , it’s time to truly let him go and give us both the opportunities to find the “more” I keep saying I want.
Boy, I wish you the best of luck. Don’t you worry I will be happy without you.
Goodbye!

It’s hard and it’s really sad when you realize that love isn’t enough.
You can love him/her with all of your heart, you can hope all you want that everything is going to work out.
But there comes that painful moment in life when you realize that sometimes… love isn’t enough.
It’s going to kill you to know that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try it just can’t work out.
No matter how much you deny or how much you hide it, it’s just not enough.
Somewhere, somehow along the way in your relationship things fall apart and it can never go back to how it used to be.
You try and try but it’s not enough.
You wish, you hope, you pray, but it’s not enough.
You might even give the relationship a second go, a third, fourth, fifth time… but it’s different.
You’re changed. You’re not the person you were before.

You are hurt and somehow no matter how you place the pieces, they don’t fit.
You try everything to fix things but they just don’t fit.
And it’s not the same.
The heart aches…

It’s been weeks since we had an actual conversation. During this time, we’ve been in different places, doing different things and I think we just keep drifting apart each day, which is not okay. I am also starting to call you by your name and it sounds a bit awkward… Well we never really talked about what’s going on, never quite settled things and also that is not okay! No that is not okay at all!
The other day (and a few days before that day and last week and less than 20 days ago and before that too…) I emailed you, hoping to understand the real situation, make peace and kind of establish a normal contact again…
You, for whatever reason, didn’t replied me back, and to my agony I’m still waiting for it. It was a little disappointing at the beginning, but I’m getting used to it, so now not such a big deal; whether or not we stay in contact so often as before I just wanted you to know that from my side nothing’s changed, nothing at all.

I remember the last time I saw you in person, I remember the last time we spoke on skype… Well, I actually remember everything that happened between us since we met… It’s crazy I know. And I remember in a special way how we cuddled and ended up falling asleep (I particulary miss that). I remember as well how I loved to prepare dinner for you every night. And now the only thing that I cam remember is how confused you left me when you started to ignore me.

Time has passed since then and things are starting getting cold, kinda different and not that I doubts my feelings but I just don’t know where I stand anymore. Nevertheless I distract myself as much as I can just to don’t lose my nerves and to keep on focused. I’ve been living my own life, being pricked by the petty problems and worries I have, enjoying the good times, and trying hard to be wholly myself. I bet you too… In ways I will not deny that you’re still tangled up in my thoughts a lot of the time, but it doesn’t have any feelings of longing or sadness or wistful, wishful thinking. It’s just there, not particularly harmful, just a sort of lingering echo that bothers me somedays. Living in confusion is not easy.
I know that on the past we made a great couple, and if circumstances had been different, we would still being not a doubt. In fact I still hoping for us to become again what we once was. But most of me has accepted that our paths have diverged again, that we have our own separate ways to make. I wish not but what else can I do to prove you… I don’t know.

Anyway what I really want to say to you is that I still want us to be something, I just don’t know what exactly. Maybe friends… What I know is that it’s unacceptable how so many couples break up, then become like strangers to each other after trusting one another so utterly. And it strikes me to don’t know what happened to us… We haven’t break up although we don’t barely talk anymore… How can it be possible?
I hate living somewhere in between. I don’t know how to act and it confuses me to notice that in ways both of us have more or less moved on. We should be honest and open to each other instead of keep acting as kids. I suppose I loved you, and I presume you loved me too but it’s gone now. I might be about to give up on you but I need to know if you had already gave up on me or if you are just keeping on with my punishment as you said once. Its ridiculous no matter how hurt you are you just can’t keep doing this! It’s not right and its not okay! Grow up! Say something…

I may send you a message in a few weeks or sometime over the next few months till there you won’t hear from me. It seems like a risk, but when I think it through, I don’t really have anything to lose. Till there good luck with your dreams, and your work and your happiness, and with your life in general.

I want to apologise to you.
I have always loved you, yes, though not in the way you would have wanted.
I used uttered too much and believe on those three fatal words:
I LOVE YOU.
But now thinking back it was nothing but ilusions, a kind of mistake that I am planning not to do never again.
If it is any comfort, at the time I believed it to be true. So yes, I guess I loved you.
I built you to perfection in my mind, till you’ve finally showed me off your true colours…
I won’t forget last summer and this winter will be freezing.
I was wrong about you and suddenly everything’s falling apart.
Now I see that I had been loving lies, not you.
So to the boy you once was here goes my deepest apology.
I know I haven’t yet the strength to cut you free, because I know I’ll possibly hurt you, and that will hurt me too.
I want to believe that now will be easier to just let you step away from me gently as we no longer live close enough to each other to see each other every day. The feeble part of me prays you have already lost interest before I have told you that.
However, I could never apologise enough as it wasn’t just my fault…

If I had the opportunity, would I erase someone from my memory?
I always thought the answer was a simple ‘no’. Obviously. Why on earth would I erase someone from my memory?
Why would I want all traces of someone in my life to be perished?
Reconsidering this question, I wonder what I would chose if given the opportunity.
It’s unbearable, and at times, unrealistic for me to believe that people affect one another so greatly that their whole lives revolve around one another.
Sometimes I wonder if there is this thing people call “true love” or just people unaware of the fact of how pathetic they are that they cannot be alone.
Of course, I’ve digressed. Returning to the subject at hand, I don’t know what I would choose. It feels like erasing someone would be the hardest decision that anyone could ever make, complete absence from their life. Unfortunately, sometimes the hardest decisions are the right ones.
Who would I choose? Now I already know …

Everybody knows that since Vitor Shalom broke up with me almost one year ago, I never saw him again even living at the same city. Well, I didn’t had reasons to look for him because I always knew that OVER is over, hurting or not…
I cut him definitely from my life so no emails, no phone calls, no network profiles, nothing! Was hard at the begining but I did it. I choose for doesn’t know anything else about his life. I didn’t had reasons to keep it after everything that happened.
But when I knew by chance that he was going back to Brazil I thought ‘well maybe is time to do one thing, maybe is time to surprise’. So I went there, on the same flat that we used to live on the past, just to give one letter and to see his face for the last time on my life. From now (02th of April 2010), I have no longer the risk to find him on the streets of my city anymore, yes Milano now is all mine.

Follow bellow my lastest letter for him:

To the boys who once has broken my heart:

It took me so long till I got over them all, perhaps some were harder than others but it definitely ended for everyone.
One of you started dating a new girl to replace me when I still were there though, needing you, and only I know how tougher it was… The time I could have spent having fun, laughing with friends or meeting new people was wasted on thoughts of you. Could you tell yourself why did you do that? Anyway, for me it doesn’t matter anymore.
One of you treated me as shit, fooled me for years and I just don’t understand how could I be so blind… if it wasn’t me the one who you wanted to spend your whole life forever…
Whatever…
You all taught me the reasons why half of the most beautiful songs are about broken hearts and failed romances.
You all taught me the reason why I should stay away from boys who seemed a bit smooth, who always seemed to have a line or witty repertoire that at once flattered and humored.
You taught me to considerer above the fact that I don’t love you anymore that maybe I could never have done that even before
I am moving on grateful for everything I learned because now I don’t need you anymore, not even on my thoughts so just be happy for me, be happy for you too.
I wish someday someone else can do with you what you did to me and other girls… let’s see if you will go through and get so far as I have done.
You taught me how to be the girl I am today.
Thank you so much for making me stronger!
Met vriendelijke groet,
Carol Vallu

Memories remain but I CAN FIGHT with them…I’m doing well WITHOUT YOU, better than expected.

And I hope that pretty soon I’ll be able to entirely take you off from my “boring” life.

So please just GO AWAY once forever!

(…)

When you look back now WAS it SPECIAL? Why now and not before? Is it a joke right?! Doesn’t matter, I don’t want to know that! NOT ANYMORE…no make sense now!

SORRY but I can’t delude myself it was worth it… not again I’M TIRED of broken promisses for broken hearts and I REALLY don’t need you anymore! I learned how to separate the feelings from the truth.

(…)

Live your life, STOP to chasing me, you had made your choise and ok the mess WAS DONE.

People they don’t change easily! I still the same that I used to be and you WILL BE like who you are forever… I know that and I feel so sorry for you because you’re so PREDICTABLE, so selfish and so small. Even though from the beginning I could see exactly how it would end and sometimes I just hate myself FOR having been so blind for SO LONG time…

But it’s ok I not die I get stronger I learned so many things that I didn’t knew before. Simple: you broke up with me and for some reason this work for something so thanks by the way for this and only for this!

And you know what I don’t wanna live the same shit again, not with you! In fact with no one else! I’m living for own my own and this is an amazing thing! Definitely I do not WANT to be a liar ok I most confess that I need NEW THINGS in my life, fresh flesh you know. And no doubts I wanna wish you away!!!

Realize if I could pass through this you can do too and good luck because I never wish to see you again in front of me! And if this happens next time I swear that I’ll just ignore you.

I know some people that have the power to get you completely sick, paranoid and make you start to freaking out!

Be carefuller with this kind of people!!! Please.

I had made one analysis test and bellow are the result…Incredible hmmm, all my friends that know me ain’t believe on this post at the beginning…Because this is not me, is the reflex of someone else above me!

I have no words… I´m so unstable sometimes…and this is your fault Vitor Shalom because all that I needed was your attention…

I´m getting crazy and I´m completely alone… 😦 but one thing is right, all that you babe made with me, someday will come back to you, even better or not!