Earlier this year, during my morning routine of looking for hilarious pictures and GIFs in these here cat tubes, I came across a Tumblr page that instantly became my favorite thing of 2013. That page, of course, is Baseball Card Vandals, which is still going strong, pumping out the most absurdly humorous desecrations of “worthless cards” on all the interwebs. But like any good meme, even the simplest alteration can breathe some fresh air into these lungs, and that happened on Sunday with the introduction of some new football cards in honor of the start of the 2013 NFL season.

I don’t care how old I am, whether I’m living in an old folks home or accepting my nomination to be the next pope, or if the world is on the brink of a nuclear Armageddon at the hands of our cyborg cockroach overlords – if I ever don’t find the very last card in this gallery hilarious, I’m going to exile myself to the moon.