I feel it's only fair to warn you, at some point or other on this blog, I'm probably going to offend about 95% of the world's population. So if you don't have a sense of humor... you should probably just find another blog.

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Monday, May 10, 2010

Google: Education for the Masses

A couple weeks ago when I first started this blog, my second post was about lists. I've found that as usual, Mom was right. Lists keep me organized. If you haven't read my first list, then perhaps you want to scroll on down to April in my blog archives and take a peek before continuing here. Since the first list was so successful, I think I'll continue making lists on an attempted weekly basis.

We've all googled before right? And usually while typing our search term into the box, we see a list of suggestions based on what we've typed thus far. Occasionally we pause to read this list of suggestions, and seen something completely outrageous listed. In today's list, I've compiled just a few of those outrageous search terms.

The Effed Up Google Search List

Effed Up Google Search #294

How do you get pregnant?

-If you have to google this, you probably shouldn't be trying to get pregnant in the first place.

Effed Up Google Searches #1166-1168

Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Why don't I have a girlfriend?

Why don't I have any friends?

-If you have to google this, that's probably why you can't get one in the first place. Try googling "social skills" instead.

Effed Up Google Searches #703-706

Why does my belly button smell?

Why do my balls smell?

Why do zits smell?

Why do farts smell worse in water?

-Come on. This is just gross.

Effed Up Google Search #515

Why do Mexicans come to America?

-Why the hell wouldn't they?

Effed Up Google Search #1347

How to become a vampire.

-I knew that Twilight shit was actually mass brainwashing...

Effed Up Google Search #108

Why do British people have bad teeth?

-Haven't you heard? Austin Powers is their idol!

Effed Up Google Searches #32-36

Why do Mexicans smell?

Why do Indians smell?

Why do Arabs stink?

Why do Asians stink?

Why do old people smell?

-It would seem everyone stinks or smells now and again. Why ask why?

Effed Up Google Searches #809-811

Why do zombies eat brains?

Why do zombies not attack each other?

Why do zombies exist?

-I'm not sure I even have anything to say to this.

Effed Up Google Search #956

How to train your dragon.

-(*hangs head in shame*) SEE: Effed Up Google Searches #809-811 for comment.

Effed Up Google Searches #188-190

Why do ugly guys get hot girls?

Why do ugly girls get boyfriends?

Why do ugly people exist?

-If you have to google this, chances are you're jealous of someone you claim is "ugly". This makes you feel insecure. You should google "local psychiatrists" instead.

Effed Up Google Search #2000

How to quit my job.

-Well, the answer to this is surprisingly simple, and we have many options available to quit your job. My first recommendation would be to find another job. Then, once said job is secured, you can:

A: Walk in to work, and give a "two weeks notice". This is accepted as common practice for quitting a job. In two weeks time, you can officially stop attending work.

-I know there was probably more to this, but either way it made me laugh.

Effed Up Google Search #1101

How to impress a French girl.

-I guess there are different criteria for impressing French women as opposed to other women.

Effed Up Google Search #329

How to find your celebrity look alike.

-As if we all had a celebrity look alike.

Effed Up Google Searches #643-647

What do I want for Christmas?

What do I want to eat?

What do I do with my life?

What do you want from me?

Why is life so hard?

-I don't think the answers you're looking for can be found on google.

Effed Up Google Searches #9999-Infinite

How do I google (fill in appropriate idiotic search term here)?

-(*Can't respond, is too busy banging head against wall*)

Effed Up Google Searches #11-12

What do flowers mean?

What do Jack's tattoos mean?

-(*Hasn't stopped banging head against wall*)

Effed Up Google Search #492

What do leprechauns eat?

Why do leprechauns wear green?

-Silly Rabbit! Trix are for kids!

Effed Up Google Search #2083

What do quizzes really know about you?

-Answer: Nothing. Well they must know everything they claim to, otherwise you wouldn't be taking them would you?

Effed Up Google Search #33585

Why is crack cheaper than coke?

-Try asking your local crack head. On second thought, maybe you're better off with google.

Effed Up Google Search #770-772

Why is the sky blue?

Why is the grass green?

Why is google called google?

-Hello, God? Yeah, Mr. Trump just called. He says you're fired.

Hello, Google? Congratulations, you've just been promoted!

Effed Up Google Search #1

-The fact that I only had to type in "why c" to get this to come up is a scary thought.

The sad part is, I can almost guarantee that Google has an answer to everyone of those questions (*more head banging*). Anyway, stay tuned for another list next week.

-The Girl Who Loves to Whine

P.S. For Effed Up Google Search #2 (or debatably #1) type "why is t" into the google search box. I didn't want to get banned from blogspot for offensive content, and wasn't ballsy enough to include it here. If you can't figure out which one it is, there's probably something wrong with you.

P.P.S. Also, whoever said "There's no such thing as a stupid question," was a complete and utter moron.

Hey S, it's me. Chicken. Sadly, I'm the one who launched the leprechaun search. Probably because of some stupid question your brother asked, though. Aw, who am I kidding. We both know that is SO not true. I love the last line. I'm stealing that line.

Hey Chicken, it's me S. Somehow when I saw the line about leprechauns I just knew it had to be someone from my family that launched that search. I'm betting it was another family member that launched the zombie searches too...

S, Chicken here. Zombies just showed up in season two of Trueblood. I would be remiss in not finding out all I can, but it could also be The Blogess, who has a zombie fixation, or Hyperboleandahalf who also has a zombie thing. BTW, you should go to my blog to see what your "Why Can't I own a Canadian" search has wrought in terms of comments. Pretty funny. Turns out EVERYONE wants a Canadian.

Dear Chicken,Of course they do. Even Canadians want to own Canadians because Canadians are awesome. I wish I could get away with saying things like "Eh?" and "aboot"... Thanks for clarifying the zombie thing for me too. I was beginning to get worried.. You know, stockpiling weapons in my room and wearing gigantic titanium helmets and such.-S

So, you want to own a Canadian, eh?It's pretty easy, actually. Just tell them you've got some Molson in the fridge and hockey on the tube. You're golden.Or, not.....because if you said that to me I'd call you a hoser and walk away.At least I wouldn't leave you with a dead Pakistani on your couch though. Because that wouldn't be very nice.

I thought I'd answer your question about why someone would Google "Why can't I own a Canadian?" A while back, someone wrote an essay that was a response to Dr. Laura Schlessinger when she said that homosexuality was an abomination according to Leviticus.

There are also many other things in Leviticus that are considered an abomination, among them is: "Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?"

The whole thing is really pretty funny, and if you're interested, you can read it here: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html

Anyway, Hi! I love Google-search posts. People Google the weirdest things. I'm probably one of them.

Lagunatic -Thanks for not leaving any dead Pakistanis on my couch. I'm not sure I would know what to do with one if you did.

Shelley - Thanks for clarifying. Although I can't help but feel a little disappointed that someone actually had a reason to google about owning Canadians. So in the traditional Girl who Loves to Whine way, I'm going to go one pretending as if they didn't.

Elizabeth - LOL! You totally should google that so I can include it in a future "Google: Education for the Masses pt. 2" post! Plus, that's awesome that "Why can't I own a Canadian?" is 1st on the list of google "why"s. I officially feel important now.

I own one! I trapped her in my head and she gave me a Canadian accent (I'm a New Yorker). I finally have a logical reason as to why I talk like this! Or rather not . . . I've never said aboot, though. Or heard a Canadian say it. But I /have/ heard eh and dowun.

I found this through my friend, who typed 'why' into Google and asked me if I was Canadian enough to count. But I'm missing the biggest Canada stereotype: Hockey. So she owns a Maple-syrup-obsessed, Canadian-accented, Québécois-speaking, snow-loving American, instead. How sad for her.~Asith