WELLS: Remedial English classes could come in handy for us in everyday life

I now understand why remedial English classes are sometimes offered for newly hired employees at some corporations.

I’m thinking these class offerings should be expanded, and I may just have to take one or two myself.

For example, I called an area county clerk’s office recently to find out who was on the ballot for mayor in the upcoming April 9 Consolidated Municipal Election. The employee — not the elected county clerk — was very polite and asked what information I needed.

“I’m interested in any contested mayoral races,” I told her. “Huh?”, she asked. “All I can tell you is that there are a couple of guys runnin’ for road commissioner, and I think there are a couple of folks runnin’ for mayor.”

Once she understood I was interested in the names of those running for mayor, and not some obscure “mayoral” race, she happily provided the candidate’s names.

Foolishly, I asked if she knew which candidates for mayor were incumbents. “Huh?” she asked again. “I don’t really know where they go to church, but I’m pretty sure one of them is a Baptist.” Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to explain to her that “incumbent” referred to someone seeking re-election — not a formal religion.

To be honest, I’ve been guilty of using improper, if not downright ignorant, language to communicate. A long time ago, I went to the doctor in hopes of getting some pills to help me get over an awful cold that had been dragging me down for weeks.

“I think I’ve got the creepin’ crawlin’ crud,” I told the doctor. “Well, drop your pants and let’s have a look,” he said. “Whoa there doc!,” It’s not down there! It’s up in my head. I’ve been coughin’, hackin’ wheezen’ and sneezin’,” I told him. Turns out he spent some time as an MD in the military and the “creepin’ crawlin’ crud” was most often associated with something soldiers and sailors contracted from the ladies while on leave in a foreign country. I have since learned to be a little more precise in vocalizing my symptoms to any doctor.

I have also learned that it is important to at least sound like you’ve been to school when dining at any restaurant that charges more than $1.75 for an evening meal.

For example, when ordering coconut pie in a big city restaurant, I have learned not to ask if it is topped with “calf slobbers” — a Southern Illinois colloquialism for meringue. There are no words to describe the expression you get from a waitress when a dumb question such as that is asked.

I also got an earful from a waiter at a fancy Italian restaurant in St. Louis not long ago when I asked if their spaghetti came with any kind of garlicky bread for “soppin’.” Turns out it did, and it didn’t cost extra.

Hopefully I can find a Bible class somewhere so I can learn how to be an Incumbent. And, if I’m lucky, they will have a Wednesday night pot luck that features spaghetti with garlicky bread for soppin’ and coconut pie with calf slobbers. Amen!