Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I said that the number the scale showed me on Sunday was
three pounds lower than the highest weight I’ve ever been.

But I was wrong.

I had to go digging around my past, trying to remember when
it was I weighed that much. I have an issue with timelines. Was it yesterday?
Ten years ago? I have no idea. I just know it happened.

When I found the date, my lunch jumped from my stomach to my
throat. My hands leapt from the keyboard as if it was scorching me. I think I
actually pulled off my glasses and rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t seeing
things.

I was wrong. SO wrong.

It was that moment when you’re out to eat and someone drops
a tray of dishes. The whole restaurant falls silent for a moment until someone
laughs quietly and someone else shouts the obligatory, “Job opening!” I heard
the crash, but I’m stuck in that silent period, waiting for someone to start
laughing.

I don’t weigh three pounds less than the highest weight I’ve
ever been. I weigh two pounds more.

Someone tell me to calm down. Tell me I’m being ridiculous
to let this get to me. Tell me it’s only
two pounds.Nothing to get worked up
over. Remind me I’m already making better choices, I’m already on my way, and
maybe those two pounds are already gone forever.

Monday, July 16, 2012

I had planned on going back the week before, but Friday rolled around with my first paycheck since Baby Sister was born and it was gone before I could blink. I wanted to go back. It’s possible I could have made it work, but I was scared. So I stayed home.

Things happened last week. Big things. Little things. The Hubster and I had an argument. I ran into a friend at the grocery store. We scheduled family pictures. I made a huge decision about my future. I shaved my legs. Things.

And while those things were happening, I realized how unhappy I am with myself. I tried to reason away another month of excuses why I shouldn’t go back to Weight Watchers, but in the end, I went.

It was bad. I told myself I wasn’t going to look at the scale right away, but habit drew my gaze to the numbers on the counter. Three pounds away from the highest weight I’ve EVER been, pregnant or not. I swallowed and told myself that it’s a good thing I didn’t wait until next week to come back. Who knows what that number might have done to me?

Taking deep breaths now, because I’ve already taken the most important step. It was a doozy.

I’m trying to be new. Trying to re-teach myself all the things I’ve forgotten in the last 11 months. Sure, I know how it works, but I don’t know how it works, or I would have been doing it by myself. And I couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Didn’t.

When I logged into the online program, I discovered all of my saved foods and recipes. It’s nice to know that all of those things have been there, waiting for me to come back. For some reason this morning, I clicked on the Weight Tracker, expecting it to show my current weight and goal line. What I didn’t expect was this:

The angry progress of my weight loss after Little Brother was born. How I hated each of those hills before they shot down into valleys, creating empty space on an ugly graph. How I hate now the piercing incline that climbs steadily for almost a year.

I can’t see it. I can’t see the gentle, downward slope that passes one goal line, one milestone after another. Some of it, I’ve done before. But never this much. It’s SO. MUCH.

I feel lost and overwhelmed. Helpless. Hopeless. Failing before I’ve even begun.