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I am going to have to watch what I say now because I promised myself I'd never ever speak of this on here again but today I gave up on 'that' book, the one I've been trying for four or more months to do. But I have no regrets. God is in control and He does not want me to do them, end of story. It is always in the same place, keys other than C. This time I am not going to get my wossnames in a twist over it - again it is not the will of God. He keeps on making me fail them because He does not want me to blooming well yet I've always thought I've known better.

The positives here are being able to concentrate more on repertoire and learning more Book 2 pieces, also not doing anything that Mabel has not told me to do, ie extra-curricular. When I have lessons with her, it's usually theory, scales, technical and homework - occasionally questions and answers on the subject of music and small talk. We NEVER do 'that' subject and I'm happy with that.

Don't know about that, I pick scales up very quickly yet it has taken me 4 weeks to learn Fmin (bbbb) and F#min (###). I've asked Mabel if she wants my old ** books, there are three. I refuse to email Fanny Fosdyke and ask her if she wants them as everything I have recycled to her in the past has not been received gratefully. I was not even told a simple and courteous 'thank you' by the arrogant old bovine mammal. She went to a posh school so they must have taught her 'some' manners.

Mabs is having my old books. I see what you mean about the poshness. Biddy Bagshawe has had a very lucky childhood and education, which gives her carte blanche to actively discriminate against less fortunate, albeit just as enthusiastic children and pupils in general. Mabs would NEVER do that. She teaches a number of children with ADHD and all of them she has entered for exams!! If only, like everything else there was regulation of the music teaching trade.

Not let youse all know how I got on at piano lesson yesterday, we had to rush one of our cats to the vets and as it was a lovely springlike evening we went to Droitwich for a run out.

(oh and I had an extended piano practice touching on everything Mabel had gone through with me)

Scales/arpeggios, my 2 newies were fine after 4 weeks, I am now working with 21 scales/arpeggios, two of which at random I play from my 'scales pot'

Finished book 2 of A Dozen A Day, now I start book 3. The first 4 are easy so I might amaze her and have a go at the first 6.

Theory, all my note groupings were correct, with thanks to Colin Nicholson for his help on this. Only one Ed Ballsup, I wrote a key sig on the lines/spaces for the treble clef when the clef was in actual fact a bass. Next part, 'spot the key sig', which Mabs has given me some help with.

Homework, my 'UKIP dance' as I call it was perfect, and my piece from 2 weeks ago, a melancholy piece by Tchaikovsky only had a minor discrepancy. She's written it down so that means she'll ask me to play it next time. 'Soooo, we need a new piece' she says. That came in the form of 'Reapers Song' by R.Schumann, which I'm on the case of already.

I told her about the SR I'd been trying to do unknown to her since last Autumn but she wasn't phased about it and neither was I. With all these pieces I have to perfect, there's no time to bumfanny around with sight reading anyway. I'm going to have to drastically cut down my repertoire pieces at least until I can get on top of this new Schumann. Everything is getting just that bit more difficult to do now, and I'm not sure whether feeling jaded all of the time as a result of trying to renovate a room and insulate a loft (for which I am doing all on my own) is a contributory factor.

So, next lesson on the 24th. Mabel is playing for a FUN before she teaches me. So, we could call it the Grim Reaper's song then.

I shall never give up. I shall fight on the beaches etc. But will have to concoct something for next wick as my wife's off and we'll be going out to places. We're going to Nottingham and they might have some g3 exam papers (theory) in Musicroom for ten shillings as I got a couple of g2 ones last time I was there.

My new favourite book....if this fails then it's 'Joining The Dots' by Alan Bullard (official ABRSM course). If that one fails then I would have exhausted all of the methods of their type available on the United Kingdom market.

Did the third exercise this morning, but somehow I feel a trifle guilty as I'm doing it against Mabel's wishes. However, she's now giving me harder and harder pieces to learn as homework, my comfort zone is being stretched (and I hate risks as you know) and it just takes me longer and longer to learn these pieces so I can play them to Mabs, and even I struggle to play some perfectly. So I have to try to learn to read music at sight. At the moment I keep playing until I know what a piece 'feels' like just in case I lose my place on the music (which often happens). Then I leave the piece for a couple of weeks and by the time I revisit it as a repertoire piece I've forgotten how the piece 'feels'. I cannot play from sight at all as I find the dots difficult to concentrate on even though I know what they all mean!

Well, I've given it a go. I think I should say in fairness if Mabel says do it then I'll do it. She is my teacher after all and she knows what's best for me. She also knows as you do Gill how much a thorny issue SR is with me - but I will mention on Tuesday how my poor SR is impeding my ability to learn new tunes. She'll probably tell me I'm worrying un-necessarily again as she always does - as I always do.

But you still need this skill though to be able to play, exam or no exam. Imagine if you were about half way through the Peter and Jane books and you tried to take on The Importance of Being Earnest or Ulysses. It would be impossible - well, that's me with those hymns or anything past the Paul Harris red book.

Maybe I'm out of my depth again with A&M hymns (don't forget I seem to be out of my depth with part 4 of Paul Harris IYSR grade 1 so it would figure) however I have a thing for wishful thinking....now what CAN I do??

Last edited by dave brum on 23 Mar 2015, 08:08, edited 1 time in total.

My new favourite book....if this fails then it's 'Joining The Dots' by Alan Bullard (official ABRSM course). If that one fails then I would have exhausted all of the methods of their type available on the United Kingdom market.

The preface looks good, I don't disagree with it at all.

Dave, I LOVE that book. I have a lot of people on it, and my advice to them is to do (at leadt) one each time they practise, and not to dip in, but just go straight through, don't leave any out unless you are finding them really tediously easy, in which case just skip two pages. The speed it works at ought to mean that you'd never find sight-reading dauntingly difficult, and - the main plus - the tunes are all quite more-ish, don't sound like s/r tests normally do. You should actually want to play them again for the sake of the music!

I think with me Lin is a psychological aversion to ***** ******* that's too far gone to correct, or even kill. I think even Mabel knows this as she said over a year ago she'd do a mockup Grade 1 with me and she has not done so to-date because she knows I'd put too much pressure on myself over this one discipline of the exam so she's leaving well alone. It would be good if a proper pianist or piano teacher took me into Caffe Nero for two hours and explained to me all about ***** ******* and what it's all about. Maybe even tried to help me realise my faults. It's obvious I have been allowed to form my own (sometimes based on assumption rather than fact) opinions of the whole sphere of SR that need to be brought out into the open. Simply watching totally anonymous 'experts' three thousand miles away on social media telling the world how to decode the dots is not enough and, for me ineffective.

If only I did, Gill. If that was the case I wouldn't be as scared of it as I am. I've spent nearly all of today at the piano trying to get the 2 tunes I have to play to Mabs as near perfect as I can despite practising in earnest twice daily. Whatever she gives me tomorrow will take up more and more of my time as I have to practically learn one note at a time rather than one phrase which is what I could do with book 2. Then put it all together whilst getting used to the feel. Then I'll play it tomorrow and by Thursday I'd have forgotten most of it. That's what somebody who is incapable of sightreading a Grade 1 or the equivalent piece has to do with a piece that's almost grade 4 and as I say it's taking up nearly all of my time. My wife is complaining that she doesn't see me any more - and that's not good at all. Don't forget I only see Mabel every second Tuesday for half an hour.

Well, the day of my meeting with Mabel has arrived and apart from a walk up the motor spares shop and Sainsburys to pick up some headlamps and a few bits and bobs, and then to fit the headlamps (it was my wife's idea to have a car yet she doesn't drive it or maintain it) I would probably have done all I possibly can do so. I only need to do 4 ADAD exercises instead of 12 so that's a bit of a bonus I suppose.

So as the Bard may have put it, cry God for Mabel, Bournville and St.Kawai (not St.Jason...) I hope she's not late back from this funeral she's playing for, it could well be my own musical funeral today. You never know.

Well, my next lesson isn't for another four weeks but I've got some hard study between now and then. I will not have time to follow any election websites or check out Caroline Lucas or Natalie Bennett's campaign diary (sorry Caroline and Nat) It'll be piano piano piano!!!

Here's a quick summary of the main points:

1. Scales/arpeggios, EIGHT of them (but not new ones)

2. A Dozen A Day, all 12 of part 1

3. Pieces. Old French Song okay, Reapers Song needs a few minor tweaks as some of the sections were hurting my hand so she's given me some tips, which I've just gone through on the piano. And they seem to be working. Then I have a new piece by Shostakovich entitled The Mechanical Doll, lots of staccato and odd sequences make it sound rather mechanical. I told her it conjures up an image of Sally Anne Howes doing the music box song in Chitty.

4. Theory, onto composing four bar rhythms with anacrusises, or should that be anacrusises or anacrusi.....

5. The best bit. I brought in my little 99p bargain from Snottingham last week but she looks a little taken aback and asked why when I asked her how anybody can possibly play anything from any of those books as they were in 'complete and utter gibberish'. She then asked me to name a hymn tune, I instantly said hymn no 251, Aberystwyth to which she sat at the piano and played it perfectly. She also showed me a battered but legible 1904 copy of A&M belonging to her grandfather that she told me she learned to sight read with. The music looked much bigger, she actually informed me I have a singers copy in what she called SATB, which I learned to be soprano, alto, tenor, bass (from top to bottom). Clever Mabel. I had to say 'bet you can't sing it yn Gymraeg!!!' She cannot speak a word of it.

I was actually fearing I would get it as homework but she's far far too kind to me!!! 'One day' she said 'you'll be playing it'. The next 25 hour day. Book's going back on the shelf. Unless someone on here would like to purchase it off me for £10 with proceeds going to the St.Jasons ORF??

Well, next week is all set to be a massive rollercoaster of fun, games, bright pink streamers and poppers that go pop. I've spent 2 weeks on an old book 3 piece for repertoire that, due to my sight reading dyslexia I just cannot get right. And earlier this year I played it perfectly for Mabel. So I have seven new 'old' pieces to see how much of them have faded away in the mists of time. Masochistic, or being cruel to be kind?? Debate in head.

Don't know why I bother at all. It took me 45 minutes to 'relearn' a lovely piece by Khachaturian that I mentioned last night, it was in C minor but I keep omitting the three flats because of my disability, so I try to remember to play them, but again, I just cannot follow the dots, or each note takes too long to register in my wreckage of a 45 year old head that has over time been eroded by depression, anxiety, worry and (non-recreational) drugs. That wasn't all. Another 45 minutes on a revisited Book 1 piece in D major that not only can I not follow, my fingers keep finding the wrong notes.

I'm beginning to think FF was right all along. I am indeed awkward and unteachable, despite my very best efforts and intentions to the contrary. I've still got 2 more book 1 pieces to go and they're going to be brainbending (and fingerbending).

Apologies but unfortunately it is how I feel. I really need to see Mabel but that won't be the case for another twenty two days. With me I don't want to fail, failure always finds me and I cannot hide from it - but if we were all successes (like FF) the world would be a very dull and uninteresting place, would it not? It is society that WISHES me to fail, not me. Only Mabel does not want me to fail (as are all her intentions with every single one of the pupils she's had over the years).

The Book 1 piece I have had no choice but to go back to learning one phrase at a time. This is Book 1. One. Uno, Eins, Elementary stuff, and I have to go back to relearning it like it's the first time I tried it. Honestly, I am such a pathetic brainless spazz even though that is not the intention. Meanwhile, I've ordered Joining The Dots 1. If only to be able to join them.

You are the awkwardest person I've ever had the misfortune to teach has been ringing in my head all day.

Last edited by dave brum on 31 Mar 2015, 09:13, edited 1 time in total.

Now I guess I can think a little straighter, I am really questioning why I allow myself to suffer with all this piano lark. It's not as if I've not given it a go. I've spent nine years trying, failing, and getting progressively worse each time I fail. I have been a bloody fool for giving up a full nine years of my adult life to do something I should have done as a youngster but that I'm too far gone to do now.

Going down to see you last August Gill was a real enthusiasm booster and ignited a passionate interest in church organs, however when you are disallowed from going to Sunday services by your over-suspicious and over-shy wife AND discouraged from doing so by the organist at your local church when all you want to do is see and hear an organ being played, then it's a dagger right in the heart of that enthusiasm, I think. The same with going to a free classical concert or jazz gig - the person to whom I am married disallows me to go because she thinks I'll be having cups of tea and massive slices of cake in Caffe Nero (not by any means illegal in the UK but I probably will be doing so) whilst refusing to come with me because she does not like either classical or jazz music as I do. So my musical enthusiasm is shot once more. Everything truly is against me.

I have something to mull over in bed tonight - but I really am sick of things going wrong, especially as, after 14 months they should be going right and I should be learning at least something.

Didn't have any time to mull anything over last night apart from death wishes and contemplation of suicide. You get this when you've been battling deep depression for seventeen years untreated. Surely it's more of a focus today of what causes suicidal thoughts - though as the title of this thread is about piano lessons rather than suicide, todays topic must be why learning the piano makes me feel so anxious and depressed rather than happy positive and FULFILLED. Why?? Not sure if I know the answer, Mighty Allah will. Probably Fanny Fosdyke does as well.

In spite of everything, there is most definitely no piano practice work to rule. I did my practice twice today and I covered everything on my list. I did have to scrawl lots of things onto the printed music to help me to at least follow it, and as I say names of notes. If anyone were to say to me verbally 'Play an A, Dave' or 'Play the second G below middle C' then I would not have any problems with it. If I saw the letters on a piece of paper, it still is okay. It's the dots and the five lines that I have difficulty with and remembering which notes should be played as sharps and flats too. Which is why I have to either use highlighter pen or write in reminders to play this note as a sharp or that note as a flat, etc. THAT's why I can't sight read despite doing grade 4 scales!

More piano practice this morning. Homework pieces and all seven repertoire pieces seem to be either there or almost there but the question still remains, why is it taking me 2 full days to relearn book 1 pieces? If my suspicions as to why this is that I have mentioned on here (sight reading, musical dyslexia etc.etc.) are just in my head then the only other reason is that I'm not trying hard enough.

No word back from Mabel yet. I guess it is Holy Week after all and it's a busy time for church organists as Christmas is.

So, here is my latest homework piece. You see I've had to scrawl all over it just to pinpoint all the black notes and a few of the white ones. The dots are almost illegible as a consequence but I have to keep on reminding myself of where to go as the dots make absolutely no sense to me. I suppose it does actually help me to get to grips with the tune just to say something positive, as of now I'm on line 8.

Here's another example of my inability to decipher a piece of music. A Book 1 piece. The LH chord in bar 4 is the second G and the first F below middle C. Yet I always play the second F and first G. They make no sense as I need a lot of time for my retarded brain to tick over. Then there's bar 8, Bb lowest and Ab above it. I always get the two mixed up and play the low Ab and Bb, which interferes with the Bb in the RH. I don't just complain that I cannot sight read just for a laugh or for a bit of extreme self-depreciation. I genuinely am finding it difficult to accomplish:

Got my Joining the Dots. This really is the last throw of the dice - if I can't properly learn to sight read then I shall be struggling more and more as I work my way into book 4 and grade 5 scales etc. I still find it hard to believe that my scales are grade 4 standard and I'm playing almost grade 4 but it takes me weeks and weeks to learn them because my music reading and decoding skills are sub grade 1, almost non-existent.

Rightie ho then, I've spent the previous couple of days thinking long and hard again, and even popping into churches and praying/seeking God's guidance on this but everything once again seems to be getting too much for me and I am on the verge of sending that terminal email to Mabel. But before I do, I feel I should blog first. The question I have been persistently asking myself is why am I bothering to try to learn the piano at all if it's causing me this much heartache and agony that I could do without in my life??

The answer to this question is that the heartache is caused by me. The difficulty is my own attitude to not just learning the piano, but to life in general:

1. I hate myself

2. I often wonder why the hell I'm here

3. Live gives me absolutely nothing positive, which is why I'm beginning to wish I were dead more and more often

4. Everybody wishes me to fail, whether it's the local mental health services, the Department for Work and Pensions, the person to whom I am married or Fanny Fosdyke

5. I am defeated.

6. I do not enjoy doing anything any more. All these negative thoughts all shape my view of myself, the world and ultimately learning the piano.

Okay, so I am an open nihilist - however I am also a balanced liberal and I have been trying to put forward reasons why I am learning the piano, and why I've stuck at it for so long:

1. I AM musical and I refute any allegations to the contrary. Learning the piano is something I wanted to do long before nihilism ensconsed my soul, but had not been given the opportunity to do so by my mother. Who knows what might had happened if she'd had said yes. I would have been a musician with all 8 grades and a B.Mus instead of a failure on benefits sat here writing this tosh.

2. A few months ago, I found somebody who does NOT want me to fail. His name is Allah/God.

3.The more I discover serious music, the more I like it. My love of rock music, Black music and collecting vinyl in a previous life had blossomed into a classical and jazz enthusiast and a collector of classical CD's

4. I would consider myself to be intelligent and a thinker. I am fluent in Welsh, I couldn't speak a word of it before 1991 but I persevered in learning it WITHOUT negative thoughts and fear of failure. Imagine trying to learn a second language if you tell yourself you're going to fail all the time! I am not stupid. I read books and The Guardian. I listen to Radio 3. I vote in elections. And yet I sometimes think I think about things too much and allow stuff to fester in my head. Sight reading for instance - or Fanny Fosdyke. Therefore, the harder I try with SR the more I fail. Attitude.

5. I have the time to devote to a hobby such as collecting classical CDs, faraging round charity/antique shops or learning the piano. However only one of those hobbies make me anxious. I do not feel one iota of anxiety when I'm partaking in a darn good farage through a pile of Naxos in Solihull Oxfam Books and Music. I never ever think 'I'll never have all the Deutsche Grammophon Klassikon series' or the Decca 100 Best Tunes series or replace that Bach Guitar music CD that 'management' scratched for me (even though I am still cross about it months after it happened). Only learning the piano makes me anxious. Why is this?? Again, it's attitude on my part.

So after the questions come the solutions. If I don't give up, how do I correct a mindset that has been rooted for too many months and years? How do I enjoy the things I do? How do I take control of my life again, to take up my bed and walk, to manage the frustration and to deal with years old negative points of view? I've cried for help for years on this particular subject and nobody has heard me, yet alone me. Only God/Allah has said to me 'I know the answers, Dave'. I need to know how to put myself in a position where once again I can feel positive and that I can cope without turning to nihilistic humour which reinforces things.

Honestly I am in such a frustrated mess I could go on for page after page after page. I have not heard from Mabel and tomorrow, I am barred from going to church to ask The Risen Lord what to do as my wife will think I'm down the Premier Inn with a 'tom' or engaging in some sort of holistic enjoyment whilst she's sat in front of her silly television feeling lonely and sorry for herself...for which she will blame me. So, should I give up learning the piano when all of those criteria are taken into account??

Was trying a new hymn last night. I thought a hymn tune I don't know would be better fodder for the sight reading cannon. It went something like 'yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so' (obviously Methodist) and it would have been a lovely uplifting melody had it been played from sight correctly.