Day 1

I was there as Amanda was admitted to the psychiatric hospital today, where she will get ECT. tomorrow morning at 9, in fact. I dropped her off and then came back later to see how she was doing. She said they were asking her a ton of questions, which was to be expected.

I’m here alone tonight for the first night of seven. I already feel the echo of her there across from me on the couch. It’s like she’s sitting there even though she isn’t. I’m lonely. I miss her. Laughing with her, smoking a bowl with her, or watching some awesome show. My routine has been disturbed. My partner is gone.

So the cats were all upset when I came home. And no mom all evening makes them unhappy. They won’t go into her spot on the couch. It’s like they still think she’s there.

Well. My grandmother died of colon cancer today. My mom was pretty devastated. I came over with weed and cheered them right up. We watched slide shows and talked about this and that. I ate dinner, and I helped my mom some with her coping strategy. I told her to let the grief come, and be real with it. Don’t hide it away or hold it back. Just let it pass over and through. Hopefully that helps. Personally I have no emotional bond to my grandmother. I always held her accountable for what horrible things she had done and failed to change in her life. She hurt my family more times than I can remember. She never once apologized. So I never once cared what happened to her.

Tomorrow will be better. I’ll get focused at work, and put my head down. The ne

She’s way more emotional than I am, so tragedies are often exacerbated by her feelings. I try to help ground her in cognitive processes when I can. It has helped me, at least. And it was some bomb chronic. I roll on the top shelf.

My Profile

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 2003 and have largely fallen flat on my face in my attempts to live successfully with this illness. I looked for meaning outside my self, and sought partnership, love and the comfort provided. As a result of never properly caring for my mental health, I was divorced twice, attempted suicide twice and have been hospitalized in three different California counties. I have absorbed the weight of my transgressions and decided to move forward towards meaning.
In 2013 I started investing in my recovery on a personal basis. I acquired skills, pursued introspection and began to take my illness very seriously. I did not want to commit suicide again. I had a fundamental desire to live with pride, and help those who could not help themselves. I wanted to reach out a friendly hand, much the way a hand had been offered to me when I needed it most. I knew I had caused pain in my past, and I did not want to be remembered as just that person who had lived that regrettable life.
Now, I work for the National Alliance on Mental Illness in Sacramento and I am the program coordinator for our Connection Recovery Support Groups. I do outreach, grant writing, website administration and I also work for NAMIWalks as a the 2019 Sponsorship Chairman. I hope to earn a place in the mental healthcare network here in my community and will work tirelessly towards promoting positive messages about the truth, hope and meaning of recovery.