What Is Gaslighting?

Does your partner blame you for their abusive behavior or deny that their actions are hurtful? Are you starting to question your own version of events or reality in the relationship?

If so, your partner may be using a form of abuse called gaslighting, where an abuser refuses to acknowledge their actions or role in the abuse.

Gaslighting can include when your partner says:

“You’re crazy – that never happened.”

“Are you sure? You tend to forget a lot.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“It’s all in your head.”

“You’re just making things up.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?”

What may seem like a harmless misunderstanding can become manipulative over time. If an abuser uses gaslighting to excuse or deny their abusive behavior, you may become confused, anxious, isolated and depressed, and begin to question or lose your sense of what is actually happening. In this situation, it can be very difficult to recognize that you are being abused.

How Do I Know If I’m Being Gaslighted?

If you think you might be experiencing this form of abuse, it’s important to get help and begin the journey in learning to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting can include:

Constant self-doubt or second-guessing

Question whether you can do anything right

Asking yourself “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day

Feeling confused and/or that you are “going crazy”

Question whether you are “good enough” for your partner

Feel hopeless, unhappy or joyless

Apologizing profusely to your partner

Find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family

Feel that something isn’t right in your relationship, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself

Creating your own lies or mistruths to avoid the put downs and reality twists

Find it difficult to make simple decisions

Feel as though you have become a different person, where before you felt more confident, more fun-loving and relaxed

If any of these signs raise a red flag for you, please call us at 1-844-7NATIVE (1-844-762-8483), available daily from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. CST. Callers after hours have the option to connect with the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) by selecting option 1. You are not alone.

A special thank you to the Family Violence Prevention and Services Program (FVPSA) for providing immense support for the development of the StrongHearts Native Helpline. This project described was supported by Grant Number 90EV0426 from the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Family and Youth Services Bureau, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The opinions, findings, conclusions and recommendations expressed in this publication are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Family and Youth Services Bureau, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Special thanks to Verizon, the first corporate partner to invest in the creation of StrongHearts Native Helpline.