Some people not into football

A SMALL number of English people are not responding correctly to football, it has emerged.

He is more human than them

The Institute for Studies believes it has identified a sub-group of the English race that is not only indifferent to football, but in some cases actively dislikes the game.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “What’s truly shocking is that some of these individuals are male. It had long been accepted that some women and homosexuals struggle to engage with football, but it’s harder to understand how a straight man might malfunction in this way.

“We have government approval to carry out necessary tests on the ‘ball-deniers’. Since vivisecting several of them and looking at bits of their brains under a microscope, they are biologically identical to fully-functioning humans.

“Some of our experiments may be considered inhumane but clearly we cannot risk whatever is wrong with them mutating into a virus.”

The phenomenon of ball-deniers became apparent last week when Roy Hobbs passed through his village summoning all males to the England game.

Self-appointed football-summoner Hobbs said: “Before each game I travel the streets in my shiny official England cloak, knocking on each door in turn so that all males of football age know it is time to attend the pub.”

However 36-year-old Wayne Hayes failed to respond appropriately.

Hobbs said: “He refused to join us. Looking over his shoulder, I could see that his television was switched to a non-sport channel. I didn’t understand.”

Hayes, who has since been quarantined in the Institute for Studies’ laboratory, said: “I don’t know what it is, I just struggle to identify emotionally with these men and their leather sphere.

“Perhaps it’s because I’ve never met any of the players in ‘England’. They feel like strangers to me.

“Please take these electrodes out of my nose, I think they’re touching my brain. Is my family safe?”

Professor Brubaker said: “Hayes claims to be naturally ambivalent to football. Clearly this is impossible. On some level, even if he doesn’t realise it, he’s being spiteful.”