If you know me personally, I’d like to take this time to warn you: you may subsequently realise that you don’t actually know me very well at all. I’m not a very open person; I guess we all, to a certain extent, put up a front. Although I struggle a lot, I always say I’m fine. I’m not much good at letting people in, letting people help me. But God’s working on this with me. Continue reading →

I’m a middle child. You can find so many articles on why it’s good or bad according to certain people, or how your birth order affects your personality.

Apparently firstborns are meant to be more achievement-oriented and competitive, whilst the youngest child is supposedly more attention-seeking, and creative, leaving the middle child literally in the middle, often as the family peace-keeper. To be honest, a lot of people can be sceptical about this, but it’s certainly true in my family. (somewhat anyway!)

It’s true it’s not always great being in the middle, some of my emotional issues probably stem from not having quite as much attention from my parents growing up. Note to reader: if you want to have enough time for all your kids, don’t have 5!!

Some of you may look down on hand-me-downs, but I thought it was great, I got all my sister’s cool clothes for free! Also, arguably parents are most harsh with the middle child, as the first child is kind of a parenting experimenting cos they don’t know what they’re doing and then by the time the youngest one comes along, the rules which they’ve come up with have been slightly worn down from child to child and they could basically get away with murder… But then again, if they don’t give me enough attention, how would they realise that I’m breaking all their rules anyway ;) I’ve also heard some people say they didn’t feel as important as their older sibling as they were they first person to learn to walk and talk, go to school, and uni, and to get married etc etc etc, whilst their younger sibling was the last person to be doing those special things, so they didn’t feel as important, or special when they were at those stages of their life.

You hope that parents will learn to not show favouritism, although the truth is all parents have their favourites and no matter how hard they try to be impartial, their preferences always show through. (Credit where it’s due though, my parents have always been pretty good at not showing favouritism)

The first benefit of being the middle child is my independence. I sure as hell wouldn’t be as able as I am if I weren’t the middle one. There have been struggles I’ve not felt able to chat to my parents about, and I have managed to get through it basically on my own, which wasn’t easy, but the struggle of trying to survive by myself meant that I gained the valuable skills to help me through other issues in life! I’m so much happier in myself because I made the decision myself to put in the effort and the hard work, rather than being pushed to by my parents.

Being in the middle, means always having someone looking up to you, but also having someone I can also look up to and go to for advice which isn’t my mum or dad (sometimes you just don’t want to tell them certain things). This is pretty nice because it brings a sense of responsibility without the fear of ruining someone’s life.

I used to get blamed for things sometimes by my siblings, which sucked, but it also forced me to stand up for myself and also helped me grow a thick skin, so I can better deal with criticism or people thinking wrongly about me (although I still care too much what other people think!)

I am not the most competitive of people, you’d think me a pretty chilled out person if you met me, but when I care, I care. Once that competitiveness is switched on, I am going to win, even if it ends in broken limbs.

All in all it doesn’t count for shit if you’re the oldest, or youngest or in between, all that matters is who you want to be and what you decide you want to aim for in life. Nothing is certain, definitely not from birth.

So it’s been about 7 months since my ex and I broke up. During this time I’ve seen people, and it either hasn’t worked out, or it wasn’t serious anyway so it just came to an end. It’s been an interesting time, but I feel like I’ve finally come into my own, and fully transitioned into adulthood. Being single has always been slightly scary to me, maybe just because of its mystery, since I hadn’t been single for more than a month or so between dating people. After my previous ex and I broke up, I thought I’d stay single for a while and work on myself, but this didn’t happen as I found myself in yet another relationship about a month after that one ended.

I’ve learnt so much about myself in this last 7 months or so, sometimes the hard way, but I have honestly got to know myself so much better than is possible when you share your life intimately with another person. Initially I feared being alone, but I have re-learned the value of friends and having a support network of more than just one person. In my past relationship, I was emotionally dependent on him due to his manipulative nature, which wasn’t healthy. It’s funny how in the moment, from inside the situation you can’t tell that anything is wrong, you look at the world through rose-tinted glasses and life Is perfect even when it isn’t.

“When he said I was ‘too much’ and needed to calm down, he was just tired and stressed out about uni stuff”

“He doesn’t mean to shout, he just has a temper, and he doesn’t really mean what he says when he’s angry”

“He says he loves me and wants what’s best for me, he must be right”

We make excuses for the ones we love, even if they don’t love us back the same.

This is something I’ve had to process since we broke up, and it hasn’t been easy. There have been quite a few nights out that have ended in me crying in the middle of the street. Even after the break-up he was still controlling me and I was still emotionally reliant on him despite not being with him. I am thankfully free of that now. I have processed what he did to me, and I think I’ve forgiven him, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour or let him off the hook. He’s still a dick.

As I said, I’ve had more time to invest in myself, I’ve started CBT and I now have a support network in place, between friends, family and my wellbeing mentor. I’m in a good place at the moment. I’ve gone from being black out drunk three times a week, to now when I feel able to give up alcohol for a month because I recognise it’s a problem.

I really hope that if you’re reading this and you’re not in a good place right now, that you have someone you can talk to and work towards getting yourself into a better place. Believe me, working on yourself may take a lot of time, but it’s so worth it! <3

So as I’ve mentioned before, I’m studying Physics at university. I am nearing the end of my third and penultimate year and let me tell you it’s a real struggle. It’d be hard enough studying Physics without having to also contend with mental health issues. What was I thinking, applying to study it?!

Actually, I have a confession to make. I only studied Physics at A-level because there was a boy I liked who was taking it… It’s pretty funny how life turns out, isn’t it? I mean, I almost took Fine Art instead of Physics at A-level and now I’m studying the latter at university. I can’t imagine how different life would be for me now if I’d made different choices before…

I wish I could go back to primary school/start of secondary school when I was top of the class. I was so much happier back then, much healthier mentally…

Now I am left barely getting by, generally, academically and mentally. It’s a struggle to get out of bed, and I have so much more to worry about now compared to when I was 12.

But we soldier on. I may be petrified thinking about my future, about debt and how much money I have, I may be depressed and anxious, but I will soldier on, taking it one day at a time.

It’s not all bad, I have so much more freedom now and I definitely know myself much better now than I used to, but I’ve also been through a whole load of shit and lost friends, time and opportunities that I can never get back.

I just have to focus on the present, and on the positives and just get through life one day at a time.

Recently I’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut. I’ve not been coping with life well; it’s a real struggle to get out of bed and get basic tasks completed, like washing, cooking, showering. To some people these tasks seem very easy, but not to me, at least not lately. Some days haven’t been so bad. Take today, for example, I got out of the house and attempted working on campus and then I had my first CBT appointment, and I even managed to make myself go and do a food shop!! (My cupboard has been too bare for weeks!)

But one good day doesn’t mean that I’m out of the rut. I want to try and stay positive and hopeful that I’m about to have a good couple of weeks, but I’m not promised that by anyone. This last rough patch has lasted over a month, and half way into it I thought I was getting better again, I thought I was coming out of that depressive episode, but then it didn’t end. But I’m still here, still fighting. That’s all I can do. I can’t wait for the cloud to pass, for the rain to stop. I’ve just got to get my coat and wellies and struggle through the torrential rain to get on with my life. Although I haven’t done a great job at that lately…I’ve spent a lot of time in bed, missed so many lectures, not been on top of my hygiene or eating healthy and doing exercise.

It can be frustrating to see my friends the same age as me doing so well at this thing called ‘life’. They manage to see friends regularly, get to their lectures and seminars and just generally stay on top of their work as well as whatever things they ‘have’ to do. I just need to keep reminding myself that progress in life is not linear and they are completely different people with their own stories, and their own difficulties and problems. You don’t see everything. You can only see what people show you, whether that be on Facebook or in real life. It is a waste of time to compare how far you’ve come with where other people are in life, just focus on doing the best you can, and be a lovely, kind person.

You are so strong! Look at you now, reading this. Who cares if you’re reading it from beneath your duvet after a day of not being able to get out of bed, it doesn’t matter if you’ve given in today and hurt yourself, or gone along with things because of peer pressure, or maybe you weren’t able to get through the day without smoking or drinking or maybe you’re not doing so well with your diet. Perhaps you’re feeling really weighed down with the stress of your work or studies, maybe you’re going through a rough patch with your family or significant other. That’s not great, but you know, it’s okay to not be on top of the world right now. We all make mistakes, we are not perfect and you can’t expect yourself to be. That’s not fair. You wouldn’t expect it of anyone else, so don’t be so mean to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself.

You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! ~ Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator.

If you only knew the way that your friends, your loved ones looked at you when you’re doing something you enjoy and you don’t think anyone is watching. The way they admire you, they laugh with you. How much more they’d admire you if they knew how strong you really are. The bravery, the courage it takes to get through the day.

You should give yourself credit where it’s due, and it is due. You may think you’re doing a terrible job at life and feel like you’re barely getting by. I feel you. I know what it’s like to be so tired of trying to ‘just get through the week’ every. single. week. It’s exhausting isn’t it?

You just want to give up some days because you don’t see what the point of trying is when you’re not actually getting anywhere, making any progress. You are making progress though. You are growing as a person, learning from your mistakes. We all pick up bad habits, adopt unhealthy thought patterns. But that’s just how we cope with life at that time. You are learning about yourself and the ways that you can survive, they may not all be healthy ways, but over time you will learn better ways. Even if it feels like it’s taking forever. You will learn to pick up that phone and talk to someone instead of drinking alcohol to numb the painful feelings; you will learn to talk about how you feel, and put your thoughts into words. Eventually you won’t even think about hurting yourself when you feel like shit, you’ll pick up a pen and write your feelings down on paper instead of picking up that blade and writing them on your skin. You’ll learn to notice your triggers, you’ll realise that it’s so much better to surround yourself with people than to isolate yourself and hide away in your room. It will take time, but if you are dedicated to it you will see results. You will get better. You may be in this rut in your life for a short period of time, you may recover and never fall again, but most likely you will stumble along the way. Each time though you’ll learn something new and you’ll be able to jump up again, fighting stance, ready to give it another shot.

You can’t fight everyday though, it gets tiring. Some people have more stamina, it seems like nothing can get them down, they’re always moving forwards, but try not to compare your journey to theirs. You can only see a snapshot of their life and you have no idea what has brought them to that moment in their life. And they don’t know what you’ve been through.

You are so strong, you’ve survived all that’s been thrown at you so far and although some days you need to stay in bed the whole day, you will be okay. You are so brave and I’m proud of you.

If you saw me in person, you’d probably be pretty surprised that I only went to my first gig last night. I have quite an ‘alternative’ appearance and I do really enjoy music and dancing and generally maintaining quite a high level of energy in my life. I can’t say why I haven’t been to more gigs, or festivals for that matter, I guess it’s just because I haven’t had many close friends who’ve been interested in going and seeing live music.

Anyway, so I went to my first gig and I had such an awesome time; I just wanted to write a little about my experience, especially seeing as it was my first time.

Sometimes you have to be brave, even when you don’t want to. Even when you don’t feel brave.

Sometimes bravery is just getting out of bed, when you really want to just stay there and you don’t see the point in getting up because what’s the point in anything? Perhaps bravery is refusing to take that blade to your skin, instead you argue with yourself and tell yourself why you don’t need it, how it won’t really help you to feel any better. And then you leave your room because the urge to cut is too strong, you light up a cigarette outside, hoping that the fresh air will wake you up from Continue reading →