The Way We Live Now: in enslavement to repayment. Our salvation? Reparations. Or—damn it—at least a sandwich.

Congratulations are in order for you, the consumer: you now owe more money in student loans than you do in credit card debt. Does it count if you put your college education on a credit card? And what about the fact that 85% of the average American's credit card debt consists of purchases made in the dorm, at night, while drunk, sophomore year, on that card you only signed up for to get the free squirt bottle, on the quad?

How do you pay back all those student loans? That's for you to figure out, genius. Hope they taught you something about hustling at that fancy expensive college, ha. There's no jobs, that's for sure. We suggest you ask Wal-Mart for help.