Friday, January 10, 2014

Hot & Cold

It's been a long time since I didn't post anything and to my amazement how things worked hectically worse within a year. The highlight of this post is not going to be my new year's resolution, and not even close as the post of my current life as a trainee teacher and daily routine, whatnot. I just feel like to express on kinda love-hate issue(s), my current love issue and to be frank, it's a burden to have spoken it loud in my mind, and I'll just speak it out, mostly all of it. I'm now at the point that I just don't care of the quote, "some things are better left unsaid" because you just can't keep a heavy strain that you carry somewhere deep in your heart & sometimes, you just have to let it all out. And I'm currently in that kind of situation.

I'm unofficially nineteen and it's 19 days left until my birthday and logically, most people must expect that I should be well behaved like a lady now instead acting like a girl. I'm still that childish thirteenish fatin who is still an ordinary girl, the one who goes crazy over of those handsome those cool younger guys (ok younger guys are major turn on. I found that most of them are cute, you feel me?), still the one who has random crush on random guys. Okay my point here is that my friends, my close friends, say that I'm a girl with the brain, a smart ass academically, I don't mean to boast or brag here, but I'm just a dumb person when it comes to love. I'm weak and that type of a girl who would chase after a guy, I'm not the girl whom everyone considers as an impossible-to-get girl because I have a very low ego in me and because I easily stumble upon a sweet talker. Many times, my friends brainwashed me that I should keep my defenses stronger and I should not let any guys to play with my feelings, I should not simply open up my heart to a guy that I just met for less than a week and you know the reality is though I fall in love so fast, I would fall so hard and would foolishly stay for a wrong guy, and would go after a guy begging to love me and tend to be obsessed over the same guy that in the end he would just take me for granted and hardly to move on it's so wrong, I know. No wonder my relationships never last longer.

So, ever since after the breakup last year, I've been settling into myself. I swear it was the worst break up I ever had in my entire life. I lost my appetite in months, I vomited whenever I ate, found myself waking up with the tears after sleepless nights, stranded in my room contemplating on why it was over and it took almost a year to move on and up until now, a few times I still let myself reminiscing the memories of me with him. Not only that, most of the time, I purposely did not want to keep in touch with any of my guy friends and that makes me socially awkward around guys.

But.... there's this guy. I don't know I thought I already recovered from the feelings of not to let myself having a crush on a guy but I guess I'm just a girl. I was just trying to be nice after a long time avoiding myself from guys, we had this conversation, he even called me sayang and he shared his deepest secret that he has never told to anyone (idk if I can trust this guy) and we hangout together. And one night, he confessed that he liked me and he liked to hangout with me and that sounds he friendzoned me. But at the same time, he kept on giving me mixed signals. Because after dragging me into this friendzone, he said that by any chance he might fall in love with me and there it goes, the thing is he makes me confused, it seems like he leaves me hanging, as if he is saying "oh this is hot. no, it's cold. yeah hot. no, it's cold", you get me? After all disappoinment he made me, he still can act as if nothing happened, as if he never owed me a freakin' truth. I don't know how to say anymore.

The rule is simple. If you're a guy and you want to talk to me and be friends with me, just know your limits. If you intend to say the nicest and sweetest thing to a girl, please note that the things you're going to say are true or else do not say anything at all. Or else, you will just make things worse, like me, now.

Well, I'm here to convince myself that I shouldn't be spent trying to please a guy. I should be filled my life to find myself and build friendships, not to worry having a partner just for the sake of seeking for love pleasure, no. I have perfect bestfriends, lovely room mates, cool classmates, sporting family, and I finally get back in touch with my guy friends after so long avoiding them, not to forget that I just wanna be friends with him, and yeah, that's it.