Love your lawyer day

As explained by the American Bar Association here, this day is necessary given that: “(i) Lawyers have consistently been the target of verbal bashing, derogatory portrayals and literature is rife with lawyer bashing dated back hundreds of years; (ii) A 2013 Pew Research Center survey found lawyers last among ten professional categories for “contributions to society”; (iii) According to a 2014 Gallup survey, the public perception of lawyers on honesty and ethics is an unsatisfactory 21%; and (iv) The portrayal of lawyers in American popular culture, including on television and cinema, is largely negative, which promotes a negative stereotype of lawyers in society”.

In order to conmemorate the day, we are willing to offer a couple of rounds of beers or two tickets for the Chillin’Competition conference to whoever can tell the best joke about lawyers on the comments to this post. The winning joke will be that with more thumbs up by next Friday 🙂

13 Responses

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” exclaims the lawyer to St. Peter. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.” “Fifty-five?” says St. Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re 82.” “How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks. St. Peter answers: “We added up your time sheets.”

I know this won’t be considered as the best one but I love it: two lawyers are in a café. they order a coffee each and take out their own sandwiches. the waitress comes to them to remind them that they are not allowed to eat their own food there. the lawyers look at each other for a second and then they switch their sandwiches.

A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck.”

Remember how there’s this Italian doctor who says that he’s able to do a brain transplant? Well in 2025 this is really happening on a commercial basis. So, on a rainy Monday afternoon in 2025 there’s a man walking the streets and passing one of these brain transplant shops and he decides to enter the shop. First brain he sees is that of an economist. This costs € 10.000. This is a hefty sum but he can make sense of this: if you’re good economists you can earn a lot of money, so this seems a good and sensible investment. He looks a bit further in the shop and encounters the brain of a medical doctor: € 50.000. This seems too much, but again a moments reflection helps him understand that the ability to cure illnesses is priceless so, the 50 K seems only logical. Perusing the shop even further he encounters a brain – nothing too special about it – that’s supposed to cost € 500.000. He also sees that its the brain of a lawyer. This the man cannot understand. He decides to go to the man behind the counter and explains that he understands the other prices, but not the price of the lawyers brain. The man answers: Sir, do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to make one of those?

A man walks into an auctioneering hall. There, a special collection of brains is put up for auction. Amongst others, there’s a builder’s brain, an engineer’s brain, a brain surgeon’s brain and a lawyer’s brain. The man looks at the starting bids and is astounded. For the builder’s brain, bidding starts at €25,-; for the engineer’s brain, €250,-; for the brain surgeon’s brain, it starts at €500,-; lastly, for the lawyer’s brain, bidding starts at a whopping €5.000,-. The man finds the difference remarkable, and asks the auctioneer about the discrepancy between the starting bids of the first three categories versus that of the lawyer’s brain. The auctioneer drily remarks: have you ever come across a lawyer with brains?

A law student arrives at the gates of Hell and is met by the Devil. The Devil shows her around – There’s a free bar, comfy sofa, all-you-can-eat buffet and everyone is really nice and welcoming. At the end of a week, the Devil asks the law student whether she would like to stay. She replies “I really didn’t think I would like it here but you have totally changed my mind. Everyone is so nice and I really think I could be happy here”. The Devil is really pleased and invites her back the next day. The next day, she returns. But where is the free bar? Where is the lovely soft sofa? She is put in a ditch full of mud and told to start shovelling while bees sting her hands and fire licks at her feet. Finally she tracks down the Devil and complains – “I think there’s been a mistake”, she says. “It was nothing like this yesterday”. “I know”, replies the Devil. “Yesterday you were a summer student, now you’re a Trainee”.

God and St. Peter decide to see how are the students preparing for their future careers. St. Peter comes to Earth, watches, analyzes, goes back and reports.

– So tell me, Peter, how’s things? asks God.
– Well, you should see the doctors, Lord. They are studying as hard as they can, preparing themselves for the exams.
– How about the engineers? asks God.
– They are studying even harder!
– And the lawyers?
– Uhm … how can I put this … they party like hell! No study at all.
– Can’t be! What are they thinking, the exams are coming. K, let’s have another shot at it, go back and we’ll see then.

Upon his return, St. Peter reports again:

– Lord, the doctors are barely sleeping, the books fall over them, there are so many. But they keep studying!
– And the engineers?
– Even harder!, says St. Peter.
– What about the lawyers?
– Nothing, Lord, nothing! Partying all day long, women, booze, as if there’s no tomorrow!
– Peter, says God, we’ll try one last time and then we’ll decide. You will go there during the exams.

St. Peter goes, observes, comes back.

– Well, Peter? How are the doctors coping with the exams?
– Lord, they studied hard, but it seems their teachers are very severe. Some of them did not pass.
– The engineers?
– They are confident, but I know for a fact that their teachers are very harsh. Even more will fail.
– And the lawyers?
– They are all praying, Lord!!! They are all praying! They say “Help me Lord with this exam and I’ll change my ways, I’ll be a better man!”

God relaxes in his chair, smiles a bit and says:

– These are the ones we have to help, Peter! They have to pass their exams, all of them! Otherwise, what good are the prayers for?