So Tuesday is going to be the fourth time I’ve taken a bar exam. Which is kind of embarrassing.

Try #1 was DC, right after law school, July 2012, when I was almost suicidally depressed and had just had my long-time boyfriend dump me a month before the exam. Unsurprisingly, I failed that one realllllly hardcore. (Though I did actually barely pass the essay section, which is relevant. I just BOMBED the multiple-choice part.)

Tries #2 and #3 were Virginia, July 2014 and February 2015. I was working by then, in my current job, and finally feeling un-depressed. I was dating my now-husband and living in a stable housing situation, so I felt like it was time. Reader, it was apparently not time. Law school was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, and I basically spent most of my study periods for both of the leadups to those exams huddled up in a ball crying. Again, unsurprisingly, I failed both times.

Try #4, right now, DC, February 2018. I’m married, working, and doing pretty well on the mood stabilization front. I figure it’s kind of now or never? Sooooooo. I’ve been studying up for the last few months. I’m pretty sure that if I passed the essay section last time for DC, I can pass it again, since I didn’t really study it at all last time and I’ve actually studied for it this time. It’s just getting this damned multiple-choice shit straight. It doesn’t help that they’ve added federal civil procedure as a tested topic area to the multiple choice topics. I think raw scoring-wise, I’m right on the cusp of what I need to get to pass the actual exam. The hardest part is getting through my mental barriers of “well, you’ve already failed it three times, so you’re not going to pass it this time.”