Model Kelly Brook has admitted punching two of her ex-boyfriends. The lack of
condemnation shows we don't take male domestic abuse seriously, says Natasha
Devon

Kelly Brook has a new autobiography out. Whilst you contain your excitement, I’ll share with you what the publicity surrounding it caused me to ponder: why is domestic violence towards men still accepted (and even encouraged), and what does this mean forthe new proposed laws surrounding "emotional abuse"?

Ms Brook has admitted to physically assaulting two of her former beaus, Danny Cipriani and Jason Statham, using the suggestion that they misbehaved as justification.

“As I headed back toward the table I saw Danny walking towards me. ‘Babe’ he said, ‘I’ve been looking for you’. I punched him straight in the face.”

A pretty unequivocal confession there, quoted direct from the book in the weekend’s tabloids, amidst numerous pics of Kelly in her undercrackers, just in case you had a fleeting temptation to reproach her.

“I smacked him for giving a stripper his number in a club,” she boasted in the Sun on Sunday. Oh, how we chortled……Or at least were invited to. It was the same reaction we were invited to have when CCTV footage emerged ofSolange Knowles attacking her brother-in-law Jay-Z in a lift – Twitter was awash with mirth. Condemnation was scant.

According to the charity Mankind Initiative, which issued a statement outlining disappointment at the lack of public backlash against Ms Brook, one in six men will experience domestic violence during their lifetime. It’s already incredibly difficult for men to admit they have been abused by their partners, without the media and celebrities further reinforcing the idea that women beating up men is no big deal and actually rather funny.

The new law (referred to as something which can be usedto bring “bullying husbands” to justice) will permit victims to take action when they are subjected to “any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse, whether psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional”.

The official definition of emotional abuse states that it can include “anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased”.

In the past two months, two of my close male friends have found the courage to walk away from toxic relationships in which they were bullied by their female partners. The treatment they were subjected to would almost certainly have been defined as emotional abuse under the proposed new law. Their respective girlfriends constantly demanded to know their whereabouts, became obsessively jealous, attempted to cut them off from their friends and family (one of my friends was screamed at for spending time with his mother on Mother’s Day) and often used emotional bIackmail (including threats of suicide) to ensure their demands were met.

I watched helplessly as my friends became withdrawn and miserable. On the rare occasions I was able to see them, I’d have to meet them furtively, for a swift drink after work and always when their partners believed they were somewhere else. When I asked them why they didn’t challenge this behaviour, they would invariably shrug and say they “didn’t want the hassle”.

When I expressed my concerns to mutual friends they were met with one of two reactions: Either “we don’t know both sides of the story, he must have done something to make her suspect him” or “she must be fantastic in bed. Tee hee”. This was usually followed by “he’s a big boy, he has made a choice and it’s up to him to deal with it”. I cannot imagine my friends' responses would be anywhere near as casual if we had been discussing a woman we both knew.

In everyday rhetoric, female-on-male abuse is not only tolerated but sometimes actively celebrated. “She wears the trousers in their house” and “you’ve got him well trained” are both phrases I’ve heard uttered with admiration and awe by women who would never entertain the notion of someone saying such a thing if the gender roles were reversed.

Abusive people share the same basic traits: they identify their victim’s weaknesses and exploit them consistently and relentlessly over periods of weeks, months and years. They slowly erode their target’s self-esteem until they are too unsure of themselves to definitively know right from wrong. They’ll also know when to dangle the metaphorical carrot and turn on the charm so that their victim is left in no doubt of how idyllic life could be, if only they "behaved". They actively seek people who are kind, tolerant and emotionally intelligent. They are often prone to moments of vulnerability or come from difficult backgrounds themselves, which plays on their target’s sympathies. They would be the perfect partner if only you could "fix" them.

They’ll tend to be passionate, attractive and are often popular. They are the sorts of people it’s easy to fall in love with but they find it impossible to give love themselves. They’ll engage their partners in the futile and often life-long task of trying to earn their unconditional love and respect. They’ll use every tool at their disposal – they will mock, deride, withdraw, seduce, shout, cry, sulk and if none of those have the desired effect they’ll probably resort to using their fists.

Those who suffer physical and mental abuse come from all walks of life. They might be the toughest guy in the boardroom or the loudest man at a party. Neither of my friends would have been identified as at risk by anyone but those who know them best. Since victims are often controlled to the extent that they are too scared or embarrassed to seek help, it’s important that we send an unequivocal message that we will not tolerate or condone abuse, no matter what gender the perpetrator.