Peel before Zod: Russell Crowe to protect Superman’s foreskin

According to Variety, Russell Crowe, champion of intact foreskins and hilarious Jew hats, beat out Sean Penn and Clive Owen for the role of Superman’s biological father, Jor-El, in the upcoming Chris Nolan-produced, Zack Snyder-directed Man of Steel. Variety makes it sound as if the decision was Nolan’s rather than Snyder’s, which seems like a good rule of thumb for this film in general.

Crowe joins Henry Cavill as Superman, Kevin Costner and Dianne Lane as the Kents, Amy Adams as Lois, and Michael Shannon as Zod. Crowe hopes to be the equal of 1978 Jor-El Marlon Brando, in both acting ability and craft services budget. You don’t spit into the wind, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and with Crowe on board, you DEFINITELY don’t tug on his foreskin. This time around, Superman will wear a cape AND a hood. Which should help him in his fight with a “giant spider” in the third act, something something, peel before Zod, thanks, folks, tip your waiters, Anthony Weiner’s penis, try the steak. (*bass run, scattered applause, clinking silverware*)