5 Things You Should Never Say to Your Mother-In-Law

In the heat of the moment, the wrong words can come out. Try to keep these in.

Don't Go There

Raising a family involves millions of decisions each day, and millions of opportunities to make mistakes. You're not perfect, and neither are your in-laws. Sometimes, when the kids are crying, the phone's ringing, and your mother-in-law is nagging, you say things that are bound to do damage. That's a mistake. We’re all for an honest exchange of opinions, but if you give yourself a minute to consider your responses, you can always find a way to say what you mean without harming your relationship with your kids' grandparents. Following are five things NOT to say to your mother-in-law:

"You know squat about parenting today!"

Easy for you to say. Did your mother-in-law do some things years ago that are frowned on by the parenting establishment today? Probably. Are you doing things that will seem hopelessly ignorant to your kids when they become parents? You bet. If your in-laws offer well-meaning advice that goes against current trends or your personal choices about child-raising, hear them out, thank them for their input — and go on following your own instincts. But above all, keep listening: They're bound to be right eventually, and you'll want to be there.

"I won't let you see the kids again!"

This is a trump card you can always use against your mother-in-law, but you shouldn't. Maybe you came from a family that allowed communication to break down for extended periods of time. Rise above it. Maybe this is the kind of thing your mother-in-law says to her own extended family. Don't follow her example. Think of karma, and your own children. You would never want them to say this to you. So don't let them hear you say it to their grandma.

"You do more for THEIR kids than ours!"

Sibling and in-law rivalry can reignite when grandchildren enter the family picture. Even if you can prove — with timetables and pie-charts — that grandparents are playing favorites, find another way to get more attention for your kids. If your mother-in-law is more involved with other grandchildren, it may be because she feels her input is more welcomed, or needed, in those homes. If you want her to babysit, maybe you simply need to ask. If you think she should spend more time with your children, reach out and invite her to plan some outings with the kids on their own terms and at their convenience. Then get out of the way.

"You're too selfish to be any help!"

Well, which is it: Do you want her to stay out of your way, or take a bigger role in your family? Sometimes a grandmother just can't win. The truth is, she has earned the right to be a little selfish with her time. That's the great thing about being a grandparent: All the joy, (almost) none of the responsibility. Instead of finding fault in whatever she does, be grateful that her life doesn’t revolve around your kids — but keep her close so she can pitch in when you really need her.

"You're my model for how NOT to parent!

Really? Unless your spouse was abused, it’s likely that his parents tried their best to do right by him, and, as they say, he turned out all right. Maybe your mother-in-law was stricter than you would have been; but if your kids are still little, you don't know for sure how much strictness you have in you yet. But no matter the circumstances, this accusation won’t help your family. Confront your mother-in-law, calmly, on specific issues, if you have to clear the air. You may find she's more flexible, and thoughtful, than you thought.

Why It Matters

In the end, the model of your relationship with your mother-in-law should be one of the greatest gifts you give your kids. So before you say something everyone will regret, stop, think, and say something else. Consider this the golden rule: Show your kids how you respect their grandparents, so that when you are a grandparent, they will know to do the same for you.

Comments

Sounds to me like you are a very good mother and doing all you can to keep your kids' grandmother in their lives. Bravo for you.

You can ask the teachers not to speak with the grandmother if the child is having any problems in school. You don't even have to tell her you've done so. The children's education is between you and the school. I'm a teacher and I know kids wouldn't necessarily want me to reveal things to Grandma, except how wonderful they are. Ask the principal to communicate to the teacher(s), "If Grandma asks how Kate is doing, just say something positive. Share your concerns , if you have any, only with Kate's mother." (That is your legal right.) If she doesn't know you've made this request, all the better. She won't feel hurt.

Also you need to let your MIL know that the number one source of drugs for adolescents (grades 5 and up) is their very own parents. The kids steal the parents' cigs, alcohol, or weed or worse, and in some cases, a parent actually introduces it to the kids. She may not believe it, but it is true. Tell her that you want her there whenever your ex is near the kids.

Finally, teach your kids that you don't want the problems: you want the solutions. Your daughter could be the one to tell Grandma politely not to bring up the subject of bras, especially in the store. You can sympathize with your daughter about what Gram did, but let the child deal directly with Gram when she can, when she doesn't need your intervention. It will make for a healthier relationship between the two of them.

And tell the kids that when they are over there overnight, you still want a goodnight, I love you call from them.

survsylvania@yahoo.com on 2013-07-22 23:07:18

My Ex Mother In Law has her life revolve around my kids and is trying to be the mother to my two kids but especially to my daughter! I need some help and advice from the grandparents.com community. I am a 32 year old mother of two. I divorced the father of my children due to his ongoing criminal, and drug abuse habits that did not change despite help from doctors and support from me. It's been 5 years. Through those years my relationship with my ex mother in law has had its ups and downs. Thru all of our issues I have always made sure my children, her grandchildren have had a relationship with her. My ex husband has been in and out of the kids lives. I have had to get numerous court orders either limiting visitation or revoking visitations b/c he was taking them places that no one should be in. My ex mother in law has enabled his habits, by giving him money and even lieing to the police on several occasions for him. When I tell her she is not helping him only hindering his ability to get better, she says she doesn't think he is even on drugs. There have been several instances when the kids have been visiting with her and I've gone to pick them up only to find my ex is there, clearly under the influence of drugs. When I ask myex mother in law what's going on she simply repeats the lie that she has been fed by my ex. My ex mother in law also is mentally messing with my children. One example is, my daughter is becoming of age to start wearing a training bra. I didn't want to make her feel weird about it so I talked to her in a matter of factly tone and explained everyone has to start at one point. My ex mother in law make my daughter feel embarrassed by constantly pointing out bra's while they are out shopping or calling my daughters attention to when she is folding bra's and then laughs. My children still spend every other weekend with my ex in laws as if my ex was still in picture. But when my kids are over there they are made to feel bad if they have any communication with me. I am sorry this is so long, but these problems have been going on for years and despite my best efforts to kindly communicate with my ex mother in law that I am the mother of my children not her, it seems that her behavior only gets worse. She set up and planned my daughter's half birthday party, making sure all the parents call her back to RSVP. (my daughter is born a couple of days after xmas so we have a "half bday" or get together in summer) She has even gone to my kids school and introduced herself to their teachers and tries to get involved with their education as if she is the mother. I am looking for any insight or advice on this. She is a good grandparent when she doesn't over-step the mother/grandmother line, or when she is not using psychological techniques to control the kids behavior, or when she is not letting my ex come around under the influence of drugs. I don't want to restrict the kids but it maybe coming down to it b/c I am all out of ideas. By the way my kids stay with her every other weekend, my ex husband did live there on and off for several years and me and the courts figured it would be a safe/monitored environment for the kids to visit in. Please, anyone with any suggestions in r/t this situation, so that I can improve my relationship w/ my ex mother in law and so that my kids can see that everything will be ok would be so greatly appreciated! ~~frustrated daughter/drained motherFrustrateddaughter on 2013-05-26 08:33:03