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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Struggling

It is definitely hard for me to see anyone suffer or struggle. It has been a very stressful roller coaster life with my mother after her stroke, after this whole life changing event. I know that I need to give everything, everyone time, like a few years to calm down actually. As well as encouragement to embrace life, love and hope for each day to come! I have been carrying around with me something my Uncle Matt said, "We speak life or death." I personally loved that he shared that along with his wife my Aunt Karen. They comforted me so much with those words. I have been carrying that saying with me as such a hopeful outlook, Now he said this was in the bible and I am not going to check in my bible for proof of that saying....I simply love it for the truth I know it is, simply from my own life experience. I do take these ideas, these sayings and faiths within my own honesty. I want to learn from it all, I want to have faith, hope and love in my life and in my spirit. I just seek these things outside of my childhood Christianity, I can live without belonging to a system or group. And most importantly I can say I know in my heart that we DO speak LIFE or DEATH by the click of our tongues. THIS I believe.....

The dark hospital room felt sad to me as I walked in to sit next to my sleeping Momma, Her last head surgery had been done the day before and now she whispered slowly "Where have you been?" Tears filled my eyes and smiled big up close to her, I always wanted her to see me smile big and bravely no matter how afraid I was inside, no matter what was going on around us....she needed only to know I believed in her life force and in her safety. She smiled when I replied that I had been getting ready for my dogs to come home again. Mom whispered her usual request "I want a cheeseburger." I glanced up at my father with a chuckle replying "Well, maybe in a couple more weeks I will bring you from my fair job...That would be.." My father interrupted me with his arms flying and his eyes on fire! For once again I spoke out of line as my father made it his responsibility to always correct me. I held my breath watching him as it was so often in his crazy need to control everything, I would feel an overwhelming relief inside of me that this man IS NOT IN CHARGE of me anymore! I still wanted to be respectful but what he wanted was for me to be walking behind him in silence, doing what I am told...AND thank God that wasn't my life anymore! He usually got under my skin when he did these kind of actions, because he seemed to forget that I am a grown woman. So I just waited as Dad waved his arms, snapped his fingers and demanded that I shut up with his crazy eyes glare. He was already angrily pacing the floor around my mom and me this whole time, now I had accidentally spoke out of line. I often told myself he doesn't intimated me anymore, but he sure as hell was trying! He leaned in towards me full of alarmed whispering in warning "You can't make promises like that!" I had thought about how many weeks would it take for my mother to get her cheese burger, for liquid food isn't the long term answer. He continued "She may NEVER eat real food again!" He was mad at me, I wasn't sure really why. I was really surprised by this news then I was annoyed, these doctors are making assumptions. I also knew that people who live on liquid food don't live long in the end. I lifted my chin at him in reply trying not to get mad for I didn't want to fight again with him "I won't expect that. I refuse to even think like that!" My father threw his hands up in the air like talking to me was hopeless I said "Did the doctors even ask Mom what she wants to do about food? Because she will want to actually eat again...." I always wanted to include my mother in the conversation when it was about her, from her bed she drifted in and out of sleep while My father walked out of the room, he was still frustrated. I smiled through my fear of now all of the "what if's" rolling around in my head. I sat looking back at my sleepy mother in her hospital bed, I whispered over her "Let there be life, Let there be sun shine in this dark dark room and one day soon you will eat again....for this I believe." I listened to the soft breathing of my sleeping mother and the beeping machine. I sat there realizing my father won't let me help him, he may never see me for anyone else but his own kid who shouldn't be smarter then him. Suddenly at that moment I realized he needs a friend or a helping hand in this time in his life but it's not me. and I can step aside, get out of the way for him. Now I am not going make excuses for him, just because I want to think he is a lot more like me then he lets on....He is really his own person, with his own history. Even though I am struggling with wanting to have a happy ending or new beginning with him from all of this. I have to let it be what it is, for we both can choose to speak Life or death at each other. With all of the reasoning in the universe we are facing each other with things still to learn....

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Love coming out of you is the only way to be happy!Unconditional love for yourself.You no longer resist life.You no longer reject yourself.You no longer carry the blameor the guilt.You just accept who you are, and everyone else just the way they are.You have the right to love,to smile,to be happyand to share your life!

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My eyes are open wide And by the way, I made it Through the day I watched the world outside By the way, I'm leaving out Today Well, I just saw Hailey's Comet shooting Said why you always running In place' Even the man in the Moon disappears Somewhere in the Stratosphere [Chorus] Tell my mother, Tell my father I've done the best I can To make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I'm not angry, I'm just saying... Sometimes goodbye Is a Second Chance Please don't cry One tear for me I'm not afraid of What I have to say This is my one and Only voice So listen close, it's Only for today Well, I just saw Hailey's Comet shooting Said why you always running In place' Even the man in the Moon disappears Somewhere in the Stratosphere [Chorus] Tell my mother, Tell my father I've done the best I can To make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I'm not angry, I'm just saying... Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance Heres my chance This is my chance Tell my mother, Tell my father I've done the best I can To make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I'm not angry, I'm just saying... Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance

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