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Monday, January 17, 2011

Deflowering Catastrophe at Kink.com Last Saturday

My girlfriend, Lollith, delivered an eloquent recap of the "Deflowering" show at Kink.com last Saturday. Here it is, in her words:

"Before I say anything I would just like to say that I am pro-porn, pro-fantasy-fulfillment, and obviously pro-BDSM. But as I had mentioned in a status update, recent events have left me strongly questioning the integrity of Kink.com as a corporation and the way that they have represented the BDSM community as a whole.

Sometime in December Kink.com announced that they were going to be “deflowering” Nicki Blue, a model that my girlfriend, Maya Paradox, had worked with at Girls Tied Up Tight. The event was to be held in the form of a luxurious party at the Armory on the Upper Floor and was to be broadcasted live for members to watch on January 15th. My girlfriend and I were invited via email to this party. We chose not to attend for various reasons including the fact that a close friend of ours was holding his birthday party that night.

Apparently losing her virginity in front of an live audience is something Nicki has wanted to do for years. After some research I found that she had tried to pitch this idea to both Hustler and Howard Stern, and both had turned her down. Both my girlfriend and I thought that it was wonderful that Kink.com was going to help her achieve this fantasy in the way she had wished for it to happen.

I did not realize how highly publicized the event had become until I was sent another email from Kink requesting that viewers vote on who was to take Nicki’s virginity. That email included a link to a Behind Kink interview with Nicki Blue where there were tons of enraged comments on the way that Kink had been advertising the event. I most certainly agreed that the emphasis they put on Nicki being a “true virgin” because she has a hymen was out of line. They announced that the event would include a “hymen cam” to prove that her hymen was still in place, because well, we all know if there’s no hymen, she’s not a virgin right? Wrong. Some women are not born with hymens. Nicki has also done anal and oral, so she is only a virgin if the only way that you define sex is a penis penetrating a vagina. I find this pretty insulting not just to women, but also to the LGBTQ community. If you say that a penis in a vagina is the only sex that counts in terms of virginity losing, then aren’t you saying that gays and lesbians who have only had sex with their own gender are virgins? The entire theory of these myths that Kink.com supported in their publicizing of this event is infuriating in its promotion of long disproven lies about women’s bodies and its negation of sex other than male female vaginal sex. After tons of news stories and blogs were written around the event and the controversy that emerged from the advertising, including one written by Kink.com model Maggie Mayhem, Peter Acworth wrote a letter apologizing for the way that the event had been publicized. After all is said and done, I think it was very mature of Kink.com to apologize for their sexist marketing; however, this is not what I am presently concerned with.

Since we had been given free memberships after attending a party at The Upper Floor, my girlfriend, a friend of ours, and I decided to watch a portion of the live broadcast before heading to the birthday party we were to attend that night. We waited quite a while for Nicki to appear on screen, at which point they had two slaves “take care of” the foreplay by giving Nicki oral and sucking on her nipples.

After a while they moved all the guests and Nicki into another room, where they were to proceed with the “ceremony.” A man tied her wrists together, and tied her ankles to her thighs so that her legs were bent and her vagina was exposed. At this time they announced that Mark Davis had received the most votes and would be taking her virginity. Another model was recruited to fluff him in order to prepare him for the penetration. No more foreplay was given to Nicki however. What happened next is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

When Mark was ready, he made his initial attempts to insert his penis, he was unable to get inside of her. When he finally got it in Nicki began screaming very loudly and appeared to be crying and extremely distressed. He seemed to have difficulty pushing any further because of the way that her legs were tied. At that point Mark pulled out and seemed to be very frustrated. He untied the rope that held her thighs to her ankles, saying in a huffy tone that the rope wasn’t working for him. Once her legs were untied, he made another attempt to penetrate her. Maya, our friend and I watched in horror as she began screaming “Stop!” She had to scream “stop” at least twice before Mark removed his penis. Maya asked me and the friend if we wanted to continue watching since thus far everything we had seen was quite disturbing. Our friend responded that she may never be able to watch porn again unless she was sure that Nicki was going to be okay. We all agreed that we wanted to see some sort of resolution, even though it was painful just to watch this. The three of us get off on pain to some degree, but this was not the sort of pain that seemed to be pleasurable in any way.

As we watched, Nicki still seemed to be extremely distressed. Somebody asked her if she wanted to continue, to which she tearfully responded “yes.” Mark made a few more attempts at missionary with the same results before trying a different position. They had Nicki get on all fours. During the next attempt Mark made to penetrate her, he accidentally inserted his penis into Nicki’s anus which seemed to make him angrier. He then pulled his penis out of her anus and put it directly back into her vagina which once again brought about Nicki screaming and Mark pulling out. We were shocked that no one said anything or made any attempt to stop Mark from going directly from anal to vaginal without so much as wiping off his penis as it is relatively common knowledge that this is unsafe. Several more attempts at getting his penis all the way in were made, though he was unable to insert more than just the head. There was a lot of screaming throughout this entire ordeal and the three of us felt pretty worried about Nicki’s mental well-being. At one point the camera panned to the audience of guests that were watching, and everyone looked very uncomfortable. After many more pained attempts at breaking her hymen were made, they finally decided it was time for an “intermission.”

They herded all guests and cameras into the room where the show had originally started. At this time they filmed some of the other models as well as the guests playing with each other. Many of the members of the live chat were inquiring when Nicki would return. Every so often someone would announce that she was just “taking a break” and would return soon, though of course there was no estimate of when exactly. In hopes of some sort of update on how Nicki was doing, where she was, what they were doing with her, and if she was going to be okay, we waited for over an hour before deciding that we had better leave to go to the birthday party we were already late for.

The three of us were pretty down the remainder of the night. Our friend commented that she was worried she’d have nightmares after watching this. When I returned home, I sent an e-mail to Stefanos requesting to be removed from The Upper Floor mailing list. This was the list that you had to be on in order to get invited to special parties at the Armory, and since I no longer wish to support Kink.com in any way, there is no need for me to be on it.

After some digging on the Kink.com forums, I read in a few places that the “intermission” went on for nearly two hours before Nicki returned. The next attempt they made started with anal sex and then after a while of that (hopefully they used a different guy for the anal, or at least had Mark clean his penis this time), Mark successfully penetrated Nicki vaginally on his first try and they continued with intercourse. I cannot vouch for the validity of this, as it happened after we left, but that’s the gist of what I read.

To me there is quite a bit of mystery about what went on behind the scenes during that two hours and thinking about it makes me quite uneasy. They had a lot of money riding on this event.

Nicki uploaded a YouTube video after the shoot and appeared to be in high spirits. I’m glad that she appears to be alright, and I hope her fantasy was fulfilled to her liking, but I can’t help but wonder how horrible it must have felt to have what happened to her in the first round broadcasted in front of hundreds of people.

It seemed that Kink.com did not anticipate that there would be any issue at all with getting a porn-star sized penis into a girl who has never had anything in her vagina. The whole night seemed to reek of unprofessionalism and unpreparedness, and I personally would not have wanted to be in Nicki’s position.

I wonder if I was extremely surprised at Kink.com’s lack of responsibility in this situation because from what I know, Kink.com has a relatively good track record in terms of model treatment. In my opinion, Mark Davis’s treatment of Nicki was absolutely inappropriate that he was allowed to go on with blatantly unsafe sex practices without being reprimanded by anyone. His disregard for her screaming “stop” the first time she said it is very scary to me. The Kink.com website states that one of their values is expecting employees to give honest, direct feedback. One could argue that she should have said “red” but this was not intended to be a rape scene, so in my opinion “stop” is pretty fucking direct.

I once again would like to reiterate that I am pro-pornography. I cannot stand however, seeing models being treated poorly, especially by a company that claims their models come first. In my opinion, they did not live up to their stated value of being safe, sane, and consensual. Kink.com is the biggest BDSM porn company in the world, and for many vanilla people it may be their only view into what the BDSM community stands for. I talked to two vanilla people about this situation and they instantly knew the “Deflowering” event I was referring to, possibly because of its publicity, or because Kink.com is so well known. One of them commented “That’s what happens when you hang out with those kinds of people for too long.” Thanks Kink.com, I’m sure thrilled at the way that you’re representing the BDSM community.

While there is much written about the nature of Kink.com’s “mistake” in their advertising, I have scoured FetLife, the Kink.com forums, and even Google hoping that someone who watched the show would speak up about what occurred on the 15th. It seems the only thing people were concerned about was whether or not Nicki had been a real virgin. Did no one else see what I saw? Is everyone just afraid to say anything? Doesn’t anyone care?

I realize that by writing this I may be closing doors with some really big figures in the San Francisco BDSM community. But after a lot of thinking, and much loss of sleep, I decided that I’d rather put forth what I believe in than have people like me.

I am currently in the process of writing a letter to Peter Acworth expressing my concerns with this situation. I think that this whole thing is a tragedy for women and for the BDSM community and I’m horribly disgusted that nobody else has said anything about it."

~Lollith

I am shocked, completely baffled, that no one else who has viewed this disaster, has said anything! Lollith, you rock for being so brave to speak out!

Granted, we have no clue what happened behind the scenes during those 2 hours. However, during the part that I saw, no one stepped in as the role of a "friend" to comfort her, tell her to breathe, or to help take the situation more slowly with more foreplay, helping her to relax. The scene was cold and heartless, and was a perfect example of the "diffusion of responsibility," as a crowd of people watched at a distance, silent and visibly uncomfortable, shifting from one foot to the other with uncertain, anxious expressions.

There is the whole issue of the "anal to vag" thing. And yes, that is unsafe and irresponsible. However, the big thing for me in viewing this show was the process of Mark unsuccessfully penetrating Nicki. As a longtime player in BDSM, I have done heavy scenes. Some of them have even been rape scenes, that are hardcore, intense, and involve cathartic crying on the part of the bottom. So trust me, I can tell ecstatic pain from "true" pain. There was nothing ecstatic about this. It was completely heartbreaking to see and so deeply disturbing that it will be etched in my mind forever. I sincerely believe that unless someone is a complete sociopath, they will have had that same reaction.

The diffusion of responsibility is disturbing as well. Horrible things are allowed to happen when people stand by and allow things to happen instead of speaking up. Are people afraid of going against a universal successful business like Kink.com? Probably. But this was a live show. The truth was available world-wide, before Kink goes into the editing room and cuts out the less savory pieces of the evening. Please, people, if you saw this show, your opinion on what you saw would be appreciated. And if you hold back because you have major investment in the Kink.com business, well, that is a damn shame for humanity.

6 comments:

I think diffusion of responsibility is one of the reasons this was led to continue. However, another factor might be the perception of the BDSM community in each individual's mind. I feel like a trait of the community is to push the boundaries sexually. And when something like that is happening in front of you do you know in your mind if it's right or not based on the assumption that this is boundary pushing?

But I suppose on the other hand there were people that were friends in the crowd that were equally uncomfortable. I know there are times where I feel uncomfortable due to my own personal experiences and it's abnormal given a certain situation, but I can't help the way certain things turn my stomach. If I had someone there to validate my uncomfortability with equal uncomfortability I would feel the need to speak up. But again with the diffusion of responsibility how upset would the stereotype BDSM community (which you have to imagine how people are perceiving each other at this event) would be if you just shouted out during shooting. All of this of course is null if the crowd knows each other quite well, which is possible in a metro area with this niche market.

For me the most terrifying thing is being sexually violated (closely followed by an emotional violation, which this appears to be quite close to with the unnecessary huffiness). I am glad that both you and your girlfriend are speaking up about this. And I can't help but wonder if this is one of the reasons Hustler and Stern wouldn't consider getting involved with this.

Just playing Devil's Advocate on most of my remarks. I don't claim to know much about the BDSM community, but felt compelled to share my opinions nonetheless.

It depends on who you ask. For Nicki, the ends certainly may have justified the means. We'll have no way of really knowing unless we can get into her head.

I remember when I lost my virginity, it felt like I was casting off a giant burden, because after all, I just wanted to finally be sexually active. Unfortunately, I was just as tight as Nicki seemed to be, and the sex didn't work. We tried over, and over and over, to no avail.

I felt like a complete failure as a human being, and got majorly depressed about it. After all, I'd been looking forward to this for years!!! My gay friend who I lovingly refer to as my "Minion," said, "Why don't you just go to the store, buy a smallish dildo, and work with yourself, stretch yourself out in the privacy and comfort of your own room, by yourself?"

I don't know why I hadn't thought of that! I followed his advice. It took a while and some deep breathing, but I got it to work, and after about another month I was having sex reguarlly and it started to feel amazing as it should.

Part of your post seemed genuinely concerned for Nickis wellfare. And the comment about them allowing ass to pussy contact, was disgraceful on kinks part - proving that the code of ethics they have is complete bullshit. Clearly Nicki was just a big payout to them. But I dont think any of this was her fault. Having seen her on webcam she seems like a really nice girl. I truly wish her all the best.

Though I dress the part when I'm out at clubs, I could probably most accurately be described as a looky-loo. Even so, I know a thing or two about S&M, and have attended a class. I think it's important that those attending these events do have some knowledge, enough that they feel comfortable speaking out when something starts to go awry. Because outsiders will probably just scream, "Ahhh, my eyes! Is anyone innocent in here?" I recently was at kink.com, though I'm not a customer, and did not see the show mentioned here. I can see how this might have happened: some of the people behind the scenes don't really know BDSM, don't care to, but they're being told it's taken care of. So I think there is more than just diffusion of responsibility at play here.1. Rape scenes are advanced, much more so than anything I've attempted. We know this should not have been at rape scene, because the audience chose the man. Nicki and he were not experienced with each other. So stop really meant stop.2. Not everyone there knows even the most basic principles of safe power play. When did red become non-default for a safe word anyway? My kink visit is the second time someone recently has looked surprised I knew the safe word. I mean, at BaGG, Bound, and the Power Exchange (straight area) people used red as their safe word. The people I spoke to at kink were not people that would be on set, but what I'm saying is if you're there don't assume that the workers know more about how to safely practice BDSM than you.3. I don't think speaking out would hurt anyone with the BDSM community. I know people there speak about their content like it's simply plain old adult content. But that is probably because they themselves aren't into it, they are just doing their piece of the puzzle, and getting a paycheck. I don't think many will ostracize someone for being too 'vanilla' or prudish if you speak out against this. Because those in the know also would agree this is not safe BDSM. Anyway, most of the world is vanilla, so its not such a terrible thing to be accused of.

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Bio

Chicago-born Jesse Paradox is a rocker-songwriter, philosopher of consciousness, and spiritual seeker in the frontiers of human experience. As a burgeoning LGBT icon, he performs transformative, pop-rock celebrations of consciousness and spirituality.
Imagine weaving hip hop-infused rock of 21 Pilots, the socio-political messages of rocker Patti Smith, and the psych-electro pop sensibilities of MGMT, and you have Jesse Paradox. He has released two albums, "Frontier," and "Urban Fae," and several singles. In 2016 he produced two music videos for singles "Bones 'O Earth" and "Work Ethic." He performs nationally and has been featured on both national and international radio.