When I took my godson to high tea — a kid-friendly high tea, because I am not a monster — he had to wear a smart little button down and sweater combination along with some formal pants.

As he tugged at his collar I thought about the last time my boyfriend took me someplace fancy to eat. He wore a suit and seemed miserable all night. In fact, the only time he looked happy that evening was the minute he got home and could strip down naked.

A trait my 3-year-old godson also shares.

2. They don't understand utensils.

I'm not saying that my boyfriend doesn't have nice manners, but also, I am definitely saying that my boyfriend doesn't have nice manners.

When my godson sits down at a table, the first thing he usually does is pick up a fork to see exactly how many tines he can insert into his nose. While my boyfriend does possess a modicum of restraint, I have returned from the bathroom multiple times to find him drumming on the table with his utensils.

My godson developed a charming habit of taking a sip of any drink, setting it down, and then burping loudly. The last time my boyfriend and I went out to eat, he paid the check in cash because he "really had to fart, like ASAP."

Charmed, I'm sure.

4. They hate fine dining.

I used to swear that I could never love a man who was a picky eater, and now I love two of them.

My godson's current favorite food is chicken nuggets and/or plain white bread with no crusts attached, but of course. My boyfriend's tastes are slightly more urbane, but not by much. The man literally will not eat anything that adds flavor to a dish. He would subsist on a thin, gray gruel if I did not inflict things like "pepper" upon him from time to time.

5. They aren't always great with the waiters.

Whenever I go out to eat with my godson the waitstaff are inevitably super sweet to him because he is an adorable toddler. He, in turn, usually responds by climbing underneath the table in shyness or refusing their offers of special treats like chocolate milk.

My boyfriend once yelled at our waiter from across the room for more bread and cannot tell the difference between an actual server and a person who also happens to be standing in a restaurant.

My idea of a big, decadent, luxurious splurge is going to some high-end fancy restaurant and sitting for hours over a meticulously crafted tasting menu. I want hours to pass before I have to get up again.

My boyfriend views eating as something that must be done so that other things can happen, and my godson views food as the enemy to be avoided at all costs.

They are both the worst.

7. They inevitably just want access to boobs.

Whenever my bestie starts getting a sense that my godson's patience is about to run out at a restaurant, the kiddo winds up in her lap. She's trying to wean him from breastfeeding, but that doesn't stop the little guy from reaching for her boobs whenever possible.

Who can blame him? This boob-reaching is not a thing all men ever grow out of, either. When I feel my boyfriend getting annoyed about how long we've had to wait for the bill, I can always lighten the mood by leaning over the table and giving him a peek.