Lonely hearts

What do American voters really want in a president? Try thinking of a small ad in the personal columns. "Large, fickle, undecided electorate, no stranger to heartbreak, WLTM easy-going, mentally-balanced middle-aged male, N/S, with GSOH, with view to four-year relationship, domestic bliss, and world domination. Must be brave, smart, and good-looking (like Harrison Ford in Air Force One), trustworthy (not like Richard Nixon), and real tough on invaders from outer space (as in Independence Day). Must like dogs, log fires, Elvis, the NFL, tax cuts and surgical strikes. And must be able to keep flies buttoned (unlike You Know Who). Please send photo." But what do these lonely hearts actually get? Judging by the first-date TV debate between Al Gore and George W Bush, they get two identically dressed fellas so totally prepped, coached and spun, they hardly know who they are any more.

Mr Bush (the nervous one from Texas) scored a lot of positive negatives. He was gaffe-free, did not mistake Tiananmen Square for a board game and figured (correctly) that Slobodan is the bad guy. Even his mud-slinging about the "character issue" was more pat-a-cake than killer punch. Mr Gore (the one with the undertaker's voice) did not do a lot of stuff, too. He managed not to frighten the horses (or those crazy soccer moms) and did not get aggressive and make George cry. After complaints that he exaggerates, the Veep eschewed claims to have invented the internet, halted global warming and to have been Burt Lancaster's role model in From Here to Eternity (with Deborah Kerr playing Tipper).

The strait-laced debate format imposed enormous, artificial pressure on both men. Advisers warned that one slip could tip the race. Whether true or not, the result was an uptight, uninspiring performance. Yet for either to have any hope of a happy union with voters, both must cast inhibition aside on their next date, lighten up and be themselves.