From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir:In your videotaped statement broadcast by al-Jazeera, Mr. Ayman al-Zawahiri looks like a respectable statesman who appreciates reasonable dialogue. As such, we hope you will address our grievances for the sake of our common goal, which we know you still believe in.Specifically, we noticed that some racial minorities and other People of Diversity were harmed (and even killed!) in your recent expression of resistance in London, Iraq, Bangladesh, and Indonesia (Bali). We know that you share our concern about these people, and are hoping that you can take some affirmative measures to ensure that only white males are killed next time. Such a strategy will have the people of the Earth joining hands in celebration of your ideals. We’re trying hard on our end to help you, so please…let’s work together!

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of DirectorsWhat’s a life of an infidel dog? We don’t even value the lives of our martyrs whom we strap with explosives and send to die! Do you really expect us to set up an affirmative action selection process? Do not make a mockery of sacred jihad, infidels!And you better explain why the Patriot Act is still in place when you had bragged about abolishing it months ago. And where is the troop withdrawal from the lands of Islam that your stooges on Capitol Hill were supposed to take care of?And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir:We are worried about the Patriot Act just as much as you — but we have a very full plate of items on our agenda. Our dedicated staff must allocate their time among other issues as well. For instance, you can surely appreciate our drive to purge every trace of the Ten Commandments from the United States. And you wouldn’t believe how much time we spent last year just on gay-marriage issues! But it’s exactly those kinds of commitments that take resources away from Patriot Act “resistance.”Please understand that we share your contempt for America and all it stands for. But we can’t win this battle alone; we must coordinate our actions more thoroughly. Help us help you!

We have done a lot to redefine your killings as the struggle of oppressed minorities in Third World countries against white imperialists, reactionary Christians, and Zionist colonialists. You see, we think alike: Your professed disdain for the Western lifestyle, and your intolerance towards the bourgeois morals are of vital importance for the international class struggle and have our full-hearted support and cooperation. So, can we agree that we’ll be able to sort our philosophical differences (and in truth, do we really have any?) after Western civilization collapses?

With all due respect, we think that a well-focused image makeover can help you realize your potential quite effectively. Of course, we can refer you to our own marketing and public-relations people — but for starters, can you occasionally spice your rhetoric with terms and ideas of class struggle? You can find useful tips and references in The New York Times – or you can go directly to the source and read up on the works of Karl Marx and Antonio Gramsci, or at least Noam Chomsky.

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

P.S. Have you considered donating to the ACLU? A mere $50 donation will get you a really handsome coffee mug!

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of DirectorsInfidel dogs! The authors you speak of and the publishers of the New York Times are all Jews and homosexuals! We shall not touch those papers even with the hand with which we wipe our bottoms in accordance with the time-honored tradition set by Prophet Mohammed himself (peace be upon him)!Allah willing you will all die a horrible death as all today’s Christian countries will end up under Islam. Convert now or die! Jews need not convert, as Allah has predetermined that the Jewish problem will be solved with the extermination of the Jews. The Zionist Entity has no right to exist and shall be destroyed.And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir:We have positioned Islam as the most forward-looking and politically correct religion of choice; its popularity with the Western cultural elites is causing them to convert from Buddhism, Daoism, Paganism, and many other honest belief-systems. And our progressive organizations have been displaying a fervent support for the Palestinian struggle, its goals, and methods — while denouncing Zionism as the greatest evil, likening the Jews to the Nazis.We’re winning this war. Just recently we have successfully sued the US Government, forcing them to release more pictures of Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse. That will surely boost your recruitment efforts. We have press conferences, publicity agents, marketing experts, and of course, a crack legal team to persuade everyone (and especially the major media outlets) that we are the ultimate arbiters of ethical questions. We need each other, Ayman!

Of course, your support and understanding of our goals and methods has generally been exemplary. And we’re exceptionally pleased to see that you’ve been borrowing from Michael Moore’s documentaries; e.g., Bush lied, Halliburton, genocide, and Vietnam, etc.

However, we do have a small concern about some of your emphasis. Of course, this is between friends, so please consider it constructive criticism.

Here’s the problem: We might lose some support among gay and feminist communities if you continue to stone, hang, and mutilate gays and People of Alternative Genders. We have managed to keep your killing of Jews under wraps, but this gay stoning business is getting out of hand. The same goes for adulterers. You are scaring away our base!

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of DirectorsMohammed (peace be upon him) said, “When a man mounts another man, the throne of Allah shakes… Kill the one that is doing it and also kill the one that it is being done to.” The same goes for adulterers.And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir:We appreciate the artful prose of the Q’uran, and would never intend to disrespect it. But let’s remember that homosexuals can express their feelings for each other in a myriad of ways other than “mounting”! Surely, then, can we agree to a compromise where there would be no punishment in the absence of such “mounting”? Are you familiar with “Don’t ask, don’t tell”? Let’s work together on this!Also, our artistic community has been typically silent about your mistreatment of local artists and the ban on all music. We don’t know how much longer we will be able to control this situation, though. In fact, we have found music a useful medium of subversion! It also has outstanding fundraising potential. Think of the millions of dollars John Kerry’s election campaign received from rock concerts alone! Musicians are generally gullible and so easy to manipulate, it’s ridiculous.

You too can capitalize on music. We’re sure that a benefit concert for our common causes would be tremendously successful. Granted, big-money draws like Springsteen might not be available for a gig in Pakistan, but there are many veteran artists who would be more than happy to go. May we suggest Linda Ronstadt? We think you’ll like her philosophy a lot!

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of DirectorsMohammed (peace be upon him) killed artists, and so do we. See, for example, Ibn Ishaq, pp. 675-676, where Asma is murdered in her house for writing a poem against Muhammad. In Ibid., pp. 364-368, Ka’b is murdered for writing poems against Islam. Ibid., pp. 550-551, states that Muhammad gave orders to kill (1) al-Hawayrith for insulting him, (2) a woman named Sara who had once insulted him, and (3) Abdullah’s two singing girls for singing songs about Mohammed. You better tell your musicians to shut up or they will follow those singing girls. But that shouldn’t shock you because we know from our cousin in Brooklyn that George Bush personally killed the three Jew Dixie Chicks for insulting him. So what are you whining about?And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir:Does this mean that you would not sponsor a Michael Jackson concert? He’s not gay, you know, but he used to be black. Would that matter to you?Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of DirectorsMohammed (pbuh) referred to black people as “raisin heads” and so do we. The Prophet (pbuh) also felt that dreaming of a black woman meant an evil omen of a coming epidemic of disease.And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir: Fair enough, and we understand that we can’t completely curb your cravings to kill, rape, and enslave black Africans of Sudan…but do you really need to do it with such a fanfare? We understand that it’s perfectly acceptable for People of Diversity to be murdered as long as the murderers are also People of Diversity, but can you kindly kill and rape quietly? Your debauchery in Darfur gives a good deal of ammunition to Bush and his despicable acolytes.Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir:Let’s cut to the chase.We spend a lot of time mulling over the heroic Middle Ages and rightfully see you as the ultimate Medievalists. Your feudalistic ideals and our utopian socialism are close cousins; and that makes us natural allies.

Unlike you, however, we operate on the premises of post-modernism, a philosophy that states that wishing it so makes it so. In other words, reality is what we tell people it is. Thus, we are able to convince most people, conservatives among them, of the evil nature of capitalism and the moral superiority of both feudalism and socialism. But there remains one major obstacle.

Despite our efforts many Americans still believe that capitalism ensures individual liberties – as opposed to socialism that sacrifices individuals to the common good. That belief in liberties is what we at ACLU are trying to destroy through slander, chicanery, frivolous lawsuits, and general mockery of American legal system.

We ignore the citizens’ so-called liberties (freedom of association, freedom from violence, etc.) and try to impose our vision of liberties: The right to depraved behavior (by the correct people), regardless of who is affected. And we insist, through the courts, that any diminution to our right of criminal behavior is tantamount to the destruction of all human rights. In the end, we hope to remove all restrictions on the use of force by our side.

The main goal of our organization is to convince Americans that their freedoms are fictional, indefinable, and not worth fighting for. Our present tactic is to remove their ability to fight (for those people who foolishly think that there’s anything worth defending). If freedoms are fiction anyway, why not trade capitalism for socialism and live off the government? A shining example of our success is Cindy “This country is not worth dying for” Sheehan and her followers.

Therefore, when we engage in one of our campaigns, like suing the city of New York for subway bag searches, it would be good teamwork on your part if you refrain from freedom-fighting activities at least in New York subway. If you must, use other cities, preferably in “red states.” That will make it easier for us to tie attacks on America with the election of George Bush. You have to agree with Michael Moore that it was stupid to destroy skyscrapers in the heart of our Bush-hating city!

Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of DirectorsAll deals are off! Die, infidel dogs! We don’t understand what you are talking about, and we don’t care to understand. You are the enemy, and you will pay with your blood and the blood of your children.And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersDear Sir: What happened? And why this rudeness? We thought it was all about the destruction of America!Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

From: Ayman al-Zawahiri
To: ACLU Board of DirectorsWe called our cousin in Brooklyn and he has it on good authority that all lawyers in New York are Jews including those in the ACLU, may Allah’s Curses Be Upon You. We shall not continue this useless debate. Allah willing we will meet in New York and I will personally ensure that the streets run with your blood.And Allah knows best,
Ayman

From: ACLU Board of Directors
To: Al Qaeda HeadquartersAyman: Thank you so much for your understanding; we feel that we’re making some meaningful progress in our relationship. We understand why you are angry. We are guilty for existing; please tell us how to proceed.Respectfully,
ACLU Board of Directors

Meanwhile before the press could report the breaking news of their fall??? from the plane……the people speculated on the latest news:

John McCain apologizes for going to Vietnam, earns Jane Fonda’s endorsement-then promptly did an about face and went over to Obama.
To avoid scorn and ridicule, Tom Cruise converts to Islam
NY Times: Backward, close-minded, inbred southern hicks vote for Obama

Obama: baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy
Obama denounced extreme statements in Osama’s new tape but urged voters to listen to the entire message before making judgment

Obama’s speech calls for change in stereotyping “the typical White person”
Hillary distances self from Rush Limbaugh but not from his Operation Chaos: “I can no more disown him than I can disown the crossover Republican voters”
Rhett Butler Clinton and Scarlet O’Clinton’s house in ruins. Plantation empty. New supply of undocumented workers expected soon

Al Gore’s children receive carbon credits for Winter Solstice Holiday
Democrats call for troop surge in the War on Bush

In a campaign speech given in Valparaiso, Indiana, New York senator and presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton reasserted her passionate support of the Second Amendment. “You know, I remember when my father taught me how to shoot. We would go out for a full auto shoot and barbeque every Sunday after church, unless we were going on visitation with our pastor.” The senator reminisced about the first time she fired a grenade launcher, “Pardon me for chuckling, but I remember firing a panzerschrek my father brought home from the war. My little brother Tony was standing behind me and, in a moment of forgetfulness – I was so excited to fire a grenade launcher, I forgot to check the backblast area! Poor Tony’s hair was singed, and he hasn’t been quite the same ever since.”

When the laughter died down, Senator Clinton’s tone became more serious, “But you know, growing up around guns trained me for the situations I would face later in life. When I look at all the expert badges I earned in the Army, when I think of how I survived the Tet offensive, when I recall the happy times I had as a tactical small arms instructor, and when I remember taking out three snipers in Bosnia, I just breathe a short prayer of thanks for my father’s wisdom in teaching me how to handle guns responsibly.”

Contrasting herself with her Democrat opponent, Mrs. Clinton went on to say, “You know, this is where I differ with Osama, I mean Obama – I really didn’t mean that – people will think I’m trying to bring up his Muslim past, and that’s the farthest thing from my mind, let me tell you. Anyway, while I have been a supporter of our precious Second Amendment from as far back as I can remember, and a lifetime member of the NRA, Osama, ha-ha, there I

go again, Obama wants to take away our right to defend ourselves from other Muslim terrorists. Let me tell you something,” she said to a rising crescendo of hoots and cheers, her voice growing louder over the increasingly thunderous applause, “I’m proud of my A+ rating with the NRA, and I’m sick and tired of people telling us that we only cling to our guns out of bitterness, and I am ready, I am ready from day one to protect our rights as gun owners as vigorously as I defended the people of Tuzla!!

When a reporter from FOX News asked about previous statements she had made about the need for more extensive gun control, Hillary responded with, “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!” The same reporter fell to the floor with his hands over his ears and was removed by paramedics amidst jeers from other news media and Hillary supporters.

By Red Square

Dodging the flak over his description of typical small-town rednecks as those who turn to guns and Bibles if left without government supervision, Obama has once again skillfully turned the tables on his opponents with the same maneuver he used during the Jeremiah Wright “controversy”: he returned to Philadelphia and delivered a sweeping speech on the legacy of rednecks in a post-redneck society and the importance of establishing a full government control over the redneck territories – a speech that political strategists agree hearkens back to those of America’s founders, and deserves a similar place in history.

Obama, who grew up in the redneck-free paradise of Hawaii, could have easily stepped into a cultural void of corporate middle-class indifference if he hadn’t embraced the winning theory of class warfare and challenged the country to do better – to drop the old redneck values of self-reliance, and to accept the State as an absolute, in comparison with which all individuals or groups are relative, only to be considered in their relation to the State

Below are excerpts from Sen. Obama’s speech.

“We the people, in order to form a more soviet union…” With these simple words, social workers and community organizers had traveled across the ocean to establish a state of planned economy and redistribution of wealth according to everyone’s needs.

The state they produced ultimately remained unfinished.It was stained by the presence of corncob-smokin’, banjo-strokin’ chicken-chokin’ inbred hillbilly rednecks, who undermined the great American experiment with their distrust of a strong government. They continued to cling to their guns and Bibles, and refused to sacrifice their personal liberties to the Common Good as defined by the government. The rednecks brought the creation of a perfect society to a stalemate, and so the founders gave up and postponed any definitive solution to future generations.

Of course, the answer to the redneck question was already embedded within our Constitution, which has at its very core the subjugation of the individual to a strong centralized government, requiring the surrender of all unauthorized guns, Bibles, and incomes.

Our founders Marx and Engels believed that the government was endowed with unalienable rights to regulate life, ration liberty, and dispense happiness – and that to secure these rights, governments must decide what’s best for the governed, redistribute their property, and indoctrinate their children.

Now, the rednecks will argue that the Constitution says something completely different. But we mustn’t allow rednecks to rewrite our Constitution. We mustn’t allow some small-town, god-crazy, gun-humping non-people to inject bitterness into our brave new world of collective hope, planned tolerance, and organized compassion.

Today, when the promise of the parchment has almost come true, it is up to this generation to find a final solution to the redneck problem. We must redouble the government’s efforts to control lives, ration liberty, and dispense happiness. We must close the gap between our ideals and reality, even if it means shredding the reality to pieces. Can we do it? Yes we can!

It is up to this generation to make the word “redneck” a non-word, completing the construction of a post-redneck society.

I hope none of you are rednecks.

I shall conclude my historic speech by addressing critics who say I’m out of touch with reality.

I would like to show them a letter of support that was sent to me by a nice small-town family of hillbillies. It consisted of only a few lines scribbled over a black and white photograph – a large redneck family in front of a shabby old cracker house. The house needed some serious renovation and was probably in danger of foreclosure. The haggard faces of adults expressed bitterness and determination to fight for whatever little piece of entitlement the government can give them. The children’s eyes revealed the sadness of a child who had been robbed of the true love and compassion of a caring social worker. They were the typical small-town Americans in need of guidance and support of big centralized government – exactly how I had always imagined them.

The note on the photo said,

Y’all cum n’save us, Bawrock Whosane Obomber! We done fell through the Clinton gubbermint net, and the Bush gubbermint net too, so’s we is a gettin’ bitter as bitteroot, we cling to silly ol’ guns, that ol’ time religion, and we been shootin’ folks that ain’t like us, as a way to ‘splain the lack of gubbermint supervision over our po’ simple redneck lives.
Jus’ don’t give nuthin’ fer free to those expletive deletive McCoys.

XOXOXO,
The Hatfield Clan

views from the top:Keith Olbermann, unbiased news anchor:Obama was right to call the rednecks the untermenchen. Rednecks won’t go away by themselves. They’re too much a part of our national fabric to think that we can move on and make progress as a society without having to eliminate rednecks as a class. We must do it for our children.

Fritz Olbermann, college student and Obama supporter:Some of Obama’s words were too harsh for my taste. But wouldn’t the world be a better place if all rednecks are put in box cars and deported to some re-education camp or something? Let them live there until they are fit to mix with more enlightened people, like my Dad. Besides, we can redistribute the redneck houses to the more deserving, like the homeless, or the drug-addicted Americans who can’t pay their mortgages. It worked out well for Joseph Stalin with the kulaks. If anything, it might solve the housing problem.

Howard Zinn, historian:
Obama correctly identified the problem. This is also why the famous Hatfield-McCoy feud of 1878-1891 happened. Those families fell through the safety nets of the Cleveland and Harrison administrations, and they got bitter. They discovered guns and religion, and began to shoot people who weren’t like them as a way to explain their frustrations.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL : “The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems “.

OPRAH: “Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens”.

GEORGE W. BUSH: “We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here”.

COLIN POWELL: “Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road… “

ANDERSON COOPER – CNN: “We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road”.

JOHN KERRY: “Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it”.

NANCY GRACE: “That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks”.

PAT BUCHANAN: “To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American”.

MARTHA STEWART: “No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information”.

DR SEUSS: “Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told”.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: “To die in the rain. Alone”.

JERRY FALWELL: “Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side’. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that”.

GRANDPA: “In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough”.

BARBARA WALTERS: “Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road”.

JOHN LENNON: “Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace”.

ARISTOTLE: “It is the nature of chickens to cross the road”.

BILL GATES: “I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% …….. reboot”.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: “Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken”.

BILL CLINTON: “I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken”.

AL GORE: “I invented the chicken”!

COLONEL SANDERS: “Did I miss one”?

DICK CHENEY: “Where’s my gun”?

AL SHARPTON: “Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. “

HILARY CLINTON: ” I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire”.