<i>(The Red Alert sound goes off like crazy. The Black Lion, still tied to one of his torpedos looks this way and that. Spleen almost drops the Really Really Strong Duct Tape (pat. pen.) when the alarm went off.)</i>

What the hell is going on here?

<i>(A red shirt comes running into the torpedo room. Panting, he is about to speak when he notices that his captain is being tied to one of the torpedos.)

<b>Uh...captain, did you know...</b></i>

Yes, yes, Ensign, I'm being tied to one of our torpedos with Realy Realy Strong Duct Tape (pat. pen.) which is about to be launched into the vastness of space, but thats not important right now. What the hell is going on?

<b><i>Diablo Class battle cruiser to our bow, sir. Identified as the flag ship of THE FOUR. Their captain has hailed us and is demanding the this ship be relinquished to him...or else.</b>

(Black Lion's face quickly becomes red as a strawberry. Spleen has made a hasty retreat to the nearest escape pod.)</i>

Damn them! How dare they demand that I turn over my ship! <i>(His face then takes on a "eurika" look)</i> Ensign...what kind of torpedo am I tied to?

<i><b>A Mk-68 Delta...why, sir?</b>

(Devilish grin)</i> Excellent, only a few Mk-68 Delta torpedos were ever produced in the universe and we have one of them! No sheild can withstand one of these babies...NOT EVEN A DIABLO! Ensign, launch this torpedo at the enemy ship. I shall sacrifice myself so that my ship may go free.

<i><b>But Captain...</b></i>

No, no, don't try to stop me, Ensign. This is my ship and even though I'm duct tape to this torpedo I'm still the Captain. And a Captain must do all that he can to save his ship.

<i><b>But there is no need for you to...</b></i>

I may have only one life, but I shall give it for the better good. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. This a far far better thing that I do now than I ever done before, this a far far...<i>(finally realizes that he has been cut loose and is standing next to the torpedo)</i>...how...who? <i>(Finally notices the Tal-Raluxan Beam Cutter in the Ensign's hand)</i> But how did you get...

<i><b>I got it off eBay. 15 strips of platnium.</i></b>

OH...well then, achem, launch the torpedo anyway!

<i><b>I was honored, sir. </b></i>

Pardon?

<i><b>To hear those words you said, sir. I never knew you would actually sacrifice your life to save your ship and crew. All this time I and the rest of the crew though you were nothing more than a cold hearted, ruthless, hard-ass captain who wouldn't give a **** about his crew. Wait till the others hear this. No one will fear you anymore, you are no longer that manevolent dictator, you are one of us!</b>

(The Ensign wraps his arm around Black Lion's shoulder, smiles, and gives him a light punch on the cheek. Black Lion mearly looks at red shirt.)

Outside Black Lion's ship

(A flash of light from the ship's torpedo tube. We then see the Mk-68 Delta being hurled at THE FOUR's battle cruiser. Tied to the torpedo with Really Really Strong Duct Tape (pat. pen.) is the Ensign.)

"I must succeed!"
Spleen didn't say that...he was watching Freakazoid on the F! channel and it was the episode with the HeroBoy clones and the guy whose name begins with G but I can't remember the rest of the name.

"Wow. They put TV's in escape pods?"

"I am a being of immense power and skill at the magic arts...hey, a cookie!"
"I thought we released that curse..."
"We did. That's just his ADD."
-Deldaus, C-Claw, and Feltaria

<i>(Black Lion enters the bridge and takes a seat. The view screen shows the TacoBell doggy being blown up while THE FOUR's ship is helplessly waiting for the torpedo to hit it. The red shirt behind the helm speaks up.)</i>

<b>CAPTAIN ON THE BRIDGE!</b>

As you were...now, what is our status, Mr. Starbuck?

<i>(A man wearing a blue shirt, wiht purple skin and three pairs of pointy ears turns from his statition.)</i>

<b>Captain, the Taco Bell dog has been destroyed by a third party; THE FOUR are about to be destroyed with our torpedo; and Spleen has managed to escape from the ship via one of our escape pods.</b>

<i>(Black Lion's face turns a deep red)</i> DAMN THAT SPLEEN! He wont escape so easily. Lock in on his coordinates, we are going after him.

<b>If I my say, Captain, we should stay to make sure the torpedo destroys THE FOUR's ship. To ignore them and to be enraged with some dumb fool who acts out of instict is pure blasphemy.</b>

<i>(Black Lion slinks into his CPT's chair as if in deep thought)</i> "Speak not to me of blasphemy, man; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me! Look ye, Starbuck, all visible objects are but as pasteboard masks. Some inscrutable yet reasoning thing puts forth the molding of their features." He "tasks me; he heaps me. Yet he is but a mask. 'Tis the thing behind the mask I chiefly hate; the malignant thing that has plagued mankind since time began; the thing that maws and mutilates our race, not killing us outright but letting us live on, with half a heart and half a lung!" "I'll chase him round Good Hope, and round the Horn, and round the Norway Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up."

<b>I would be shaking in fear right now, Captain, if I didn't know that you were reading directly out of Herman Melville's <u>Moby Dick</u></b>

<i>(Black Lion closes the book and points a finger at Mr. Starbuck.)</i> One more word out of you and I'll see to it that you don't make it to next episode...now, lock in on Spleen's location and persue!

<i>(The bridge on Black Lion's ship. Mr. Starbuck is standing next to the seated Black Lion. On the view screen we see the back end of Spleen's escape pod. The pod grows bigger and bigger with each passing second.)</i>

<b>We are almost upon him, Captain. In less than a minute, Spleen will be ours.</b>

Excellent. Battle stations.

<b>BATTLE STATIONS!</b>

<i>(The room is flooded with red light and the a few blasts from a warning siren as the crew prepares themselves for the inevitable pounding.)</i>

You wont escape this time, Spleen. Prepare to fire.

<b>PREPARE TO FIRE!</b>

On my command. Ready...aim...

<i>(A bright flash comes from the exhaust of Spleen's escape pod and a second later...the pod is gone. Black Lion jumps from his seat in shock.)</i>

STARBUCK! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

<b>HELM! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?</b>

<i>(The red shirt furiously checks his panel.)

<b>Sir...he...jumped to light speed.</i></b>

HOW THE HELL CAN HE DO THAT!?! Since when do escape pods have hyper-thrusters as engines?

<b>Uh, since you ordered for them to be installed on our escape pods a month ago, Captain. You said that it needed to be done incase you needed to make a "quick" get-away...</b>

<b><i>Sir, he activated his hyper-engines and went to light speed while we are still at thrusters.</b></i>

AND WHAT THE HELL DO WE HAVE ON THIS SHIP, A MR. COFFEE?!?

<i>(another red shirt)<b>Actually, yes we do, Captain.</b>

(Black Lion and Starbuck glare at the red shirt. Black Lion nods to Starbuck who produces a gun and shoots the red shirt.)</i>

Thank you, Mr. Starbuck.

<b>No problem, Captain. And to answer the question, we do have the ability to follow.</b>

THEN DO SO, NOW! TODAY, IF NOT SOONER!

<i>(turning on intercom)</i><b>Prepare ship for Light Speed!</b>

No, no, no light speed is to slow.

<b>Light speed is too slow?</b>

Yes, we'll have to go...TRANS-LIGHT SPEED!

<i>(collective *gasp* from crew)</i>

<b>"Trans-light speed"? Captain, I must advice against it. Every ship that has attempted Trans-Light Speed so far has met an untimely end I don't think the ship can handle it.</b>

...Give the order, Mr. Starbuck.

<i>(Starbuck gulps before turning on the intercom)</i><b>Prepare ship for "trans-light speed!" Batton down the hatches! Buckle safety harnesses! Tie down all torpedos! Close the ABC Store! Cancel the David Copperfield Show! Tell the ship's chaplin to start praying...</b>

<i>(Black Lion rips the mic from Starbuck)</i>

Give me that you petty excuse for an officer! <i>(Starbuck straps himself to his chair while Black Lion remains standing)</i> Now, here this...TRANS=LIGHT SPEED...

<b>Captain, I suggest you buckle up.</b>

BUCKLE THS! TRANS-LIGHT SPEED...GO!!!

<i>(Outside. The ship's engines are heard warming up. A flash of light, and Black Lion's ship is sent into light speed. Back on the bridge Black Lion and his crew can hear the engineering officer on the intercom reporting the speed of the ship. He speaks with a heavy french accent.)</i>

<i>(Black Lion during this time is slowly being pulled backwards, sliding across the floor. He grabs hold of his chair with one hand while still holding the mic in the other.)</i>

I said Trans-Light Speed, Mr. Pierre!

<b>But Capitan, if I poot it in tranz-light speed, zee shee-p 'ill...how you say, "go boom?"</b>

DAMN IT MAN, I SAID TRANS-LIGHT SPEED NOW GIVE ME TRANS-LIGHT SPEED!

<b>*sigh* Oui, mon capitan. Tranz-Light Speed...now.</b>

<i>(We hear a boom. Everyone's head jerks backwards. Black Lion is sent flying backwards through the air, crashing into the wall behind him. Engines are whining like crazy, yet somehow the ship still holds together. Everyone, including Black Lion...)</i>

<i>(Dark, empty space. The stars are twinkling brightly in a kalidescope of light. The planets slowly drift in their endless revolutions. All is calm. All is screne.)</i>

<h1><b>BOOM!</b></h1>

<i>(A bright flash zooms past our view, the source of this flash moving to quickly for us to distinquish it. It zooms past an asteroid, sending it spinning like a top. Further ahead, we see Spleen in his escape pod arguing with the pod's computer over the issue of putting orange juice into the fuel. In the view screen we see a "star wars" view of light speed.)</i>

<b><h1>BOOM!</b></h1>

<i>(Spleen ducks for cover upon hearing the explosion. A second passes before he pops his head back up to see that top of the view screen go from the "star wars" light speed view to a sort of "poka-dot" trail.)</i>

Ooook.

<i>(On Black Lion's ship, everyone is still yelling at the top of their lungs. Despite huge chunks of the bridge coming loose and colliding with the back wall, narrowly missing Black Lion, the ship remains intact.)</i>

STARRRRBUCK! STOP THIS THIIING!

<b>WITH PLEASURE, SIR! HELM, ALL STOP!

<i>ALL STOP, AYE SIR!</b>

(The red shirt struggles to press the button which causes the ship to slow rappidly down till it finally comes to a slow drift. All the junk that accumilated on the back wall now freely falls to the ground. Everyone gives a sigh of relief.)</i>

<b>I don't believe it. Captain, I simply can't believe it. We are the first to achieve Trans-Light Speed and live to tell about it...Captain? CAPTAIN!</b>

<i>(We turn to find that Black Lion not only crashed into the wall during the trek, but he had also been imbedded a foot into the wall. Starbuck and several red shirts struggle to pry their captain free of the wall. They are soon successful, but at the expense of Black Lion falling face first into the floor.)</i>

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

<b>Let me help you up, Captain.</b>

Huh...wha...Starbuck?...are we...alive?

<b>Yes sir.</b>

Thats good...have we stopped?

<b>Of course, sir.</b>

And we are...alive?

<b>Yes, sir.</b>

Good...now, where is Spleen?

<i>(The helm)<b>Captain, we overshot our mark. Spleen is behind us by...Captain, he is half a galaxy behind us.</b></i>

WHAT! HOW CAN THIS BE? DAMN YOU SPLEEN! DAMN YOU TO HE-HE-HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLlllll!

<i>(Black Lion had loss his balance and fell into a hole that was once his captain's chair. Starbuck mearly looks into the hole before turning to the Helm.)</i>

<b>If this is so...then where the Hell are we?</b>

<i>(Outside, the ship is seen floating just 30 feet above the surface of what appears to be the tropical region of an "earth" like planet. There on the beach of said planet, looking up at the ship, is Ricardo Mantlban.)

"Ah, Mr. Ducky, isn't this water heavenly?" Korota gave the bath toy a squeeze. "Squeeka-squeeka!" Korota hmmed thoughtfully, and nodded. "Yes, the water is .0053 degrees too cold. I suppose I'll have to kill whoever drew the bath, and replace him with a robot." "Squee..." "Yes, I know we only have a few dozen living people left on this hollowed out rock, but I have to set an example, for the 1,396th time."

Suddenly, a viewscreen light up to show a panicked-looking humanoid. "My lord!" Korota dove under the water, startled, then surfaced again. "What is it?!" "A small craft is heading for the asteroid at light speed!" Korota sprang to his feet, water splashing around at knee-depth, and causing the humanoid on the screen to turn away. "OH MY GAWD!", they both said in unision, for different reasons. Korota looked down, and quickly covered his, uh, area. He then looks up at the screen, and yells at the henchman. "Send out the attack drones and have the crew brace for impact!" The lackey clumsily salutes with his eyes closed, and mutters, "Guess I made the water too cold." As he turns, Korota adds, "And throw yourself out of the airlock for me."