Stevens: Seau's death brings back bad memories

Published 8:46 am, Sunday, May 6, 2012

Like most of the sports world, I was shocked to hear about Junior Seau's death last week in San Diego.

He was 43, a father of three, and a person noted for being charismatic, energetic and passionate about life. It just didn't make sense. Especially when you consider that his death came as a result of a self-inflicted gunshot to the chest.

Countless people asked the same question -- why?

Many are theorizing that Seau hit rock-bottom because of concussions sustained on the football field. We don't know for sure. But that is the theory -- brain trauma from multiple concussions results in moods and emotions that torment the soul.

Like most football fans, I didn't know him, but, at the same time, I felt like I knew him to a small degree because I watched his NFL career unfold over a 20-year period. He was one of the best linebackers ever to play, and I don't think that's even debatable. He was a great player for the San Diego Chargers, Miami Dolphins and New England Patriots, and is a sure bet to make the Hall of Fame when he's eligible a few years from now.

I saw story after story where his family and friends were interviewed, and none of them saw this coming. His mother was devastated. His family and friends were stunned. His ex-teammates couldn't believe it.

I know the feeling.

I've had two friends commit suicide in my lifetime, and it's the most internally crushing feeling that a person can have as a friend.

My first reaction? Anger. I was steamed at them. Was I sad? Sure, I was. But that came later.

I just couldn't believe they'd do such a thing, and I was angry at them because they left the rest of us to deal with the consequences. It was a very, very self-centered decision.

In the immediate aftermath, a hundred questions race through your head: Why would they not reach out for help? Why would they not confide in someone, anyone, that they're thinking the unthinkable -- taking their own life?

Most certainly, they don't think about the ripple effect when their heart stops beating. There's more emotional damage to be done -- to friends, family, co-workers, etc. Those people are left to pick up the pieces, and to try to make sense of a senseless act.

In one instance, I found out a few weeks after the funeral that my friend had been asking about me a few days before he took his own life. I had not seen him for a while, so it seemed a bit haunting to hear someone tell me that.

"Yeah, he was asking about you," a mutual friend told me. "He said he hadn't seen you for a while, and was wondering how you're doing."

Of course, after hearing that, I started wondering: if I had been there that day, would I have been able to say something to him that would have made a difference? Maybe I could have noticed something. Maybe I could have asked the right question or said the right thing, and it would have helped him escape from the dark place in which he was living.

As a friend, that goes through your mind. You feel guilt. Maybe we shouldn't, but we're human and that's a human emotion.

With Junior Seau, none of us know what demons he was battling. He didn't leave a note, police said. He didn't tell anyone what he planned to do. He just did it.

And, yes, medical science might link concussion issues with depression and suicide. We very well might find that out in the near future. And it might be a commonality about professional athletes who are involved in collision sports - such as football -- when the head suffers a concussion, and damage to the brain occurs.

Still, that does not take away the pain -- and anger -- that friends and family members typically feel when a person takes their own life.

You're angry, hurt, sad and prone to feel guilty, and, then, if you're fortunate after time passes by, you try to find a way to muster up forgiveness and compassion once the anger and hurt goes away.

All in all, it's a sickening feeling that I hope none of you have to experience.

Chris Stevens is sports editor of the Daily News. Email him at stevens@mdn.net