The greatest literary mind of our generation, Jersey Shore heffalump Snooki, releases her first novel A Shore Thing tomorrow. The highlights are just as typically horrible as you could possibly imagine.

Here are excerpts from the book, a story about a little guidette named Gia who takes her big hair to the Jersey Shore for a summer of drunken love (sound familiar?).

He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.

That one sounds like it's about Vinny!

Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a 'roid rage, it is a 'road' 'roid rage.

We wonder which of her cast mates she learned that lesson from.

Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.

Snooks always knows how to keep it Klassy with a capital K. We bet she learned that technique while earning her MFA in at the Writer's Workshop at the University of Iowa. Franzen better watch his back!