If Movie Posters Were Honest (May 2017 Edition)

1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Sure, it's a little reductive to say Guardians of the Galaxy is nothing more than just a cool oldies playlist that would probably make your dad proud, but the deep weaving of music into the tone and story of both films means that's really what it's all about. Who would have thought the biggest song moment in summer blockbusters would be "Brandy (You're a Fine Girl)"?

2. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Man, what happened to Guy Ritchie? Between Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, he seemed poised to be something along the lines of a British Quentin Tarantino. Maybe it was when he married Madonna - because his output since then has been...questionable. The first Sherlock Holmes movie is fun enough, although not quite fun enough to justify casting an American as the most British character ever, but it was a little weird to turn the detective series into a blockbuster franchise filled with explosions and martial arts.

And now Guy Ritchie is making nearly incomprehensible King Arthur reboots starring the guy from Sons of Anarchy? Please go back to making smallscale crime films and less movies that would make Michael Bay say "I think you're going a little overboard there."

3. Snatched

4. Alien: Covenant

Prometheus is mostly an okay movie on its own accord, but was undone by heightened expectations (Ridley Scott finally returning to the Alien franchise after 30 years! An awesome, moody trailer! Promises to explain where the xenomorphs came from!). It wound up being a weird, messy movie that didn't really explain anything, was sloppily written, and was edited down to the point where certain plot elements didn't make a whole lot of sense (like "WHY CAST GUY PEARCE IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE HIM IN OLD MAN MAKEUP THE ENTIRE MOVIE?!"). As a result, the follow-up - Alien: Covenant - dropped the Prometheus branding and went back to "Alien", dropped the protagonist of Prometheus (although she was no Ripley), and kinda just made a movie in a way where the last one isn't really necessary.

Gone are the weighty questions about where humanity came from and (mostly) the buff chalk-colored dudes who made us - and back are the xenomorphs as we remember them. And the one thing that DID work in Prometheus (Michael Fassbender) gets doubled up here: TWO MICHAEL FASSBENDERS!

5. Baywatch

21 Jump Street proved you CAN reboot a campy old TV show for a modern audience - all you need is a few great comedic performances, incredibly witty writing and directing, and a premise that serves as a metacommentary for moviemaking and culture in general.

But what if you took away all that and replaced it with WAY MORE HOTTIES?

We now know, because we have Baywatch.

6. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

7. Wakefield

Bryan Cranston is awesome - he can move between comedy and drama so effortlessly, and remain a compelling, magnetic presence no matter what the project is. Apparently this movie is about a businessman/husband who just decides to see what would happen if he didn't go home one night - just hid out in an attic in an abandoned house across the street instead. And then he just...stays there? I hadn't even heard about this movie, but that doesn't matter: BRYAN CRANSTON'S IN IT SO YOU KNOW IT'LL BE PRETTY GOOD.