Nice shot, Mahmoud, signed, Dubya

The president of Iran recently sent a personal letter to President Bush. Officially, Bush did not respond, and it is rumored that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice used it to line her gerbil cage. But the Honolulu Lite Department of Intelligence, Espionage and Frappuccinos learned that Bush did reply to the Iranian leader's letter with one of his own. Here it is:

Dear President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Howdy! That's some moniker you got there, partner. What does it score in Scrabble, 438 points? Heh, heh. I'm just joshin' with you, son. We do that in Texas a lot.

Whatzit? The answer...

This image of a skull ran Monday with a story by Burl Burlingame about two isle-based forensic scientists who have written books about their work.

Got your letter. Read it. Kinda disappointed. What? Did the Democratic National Committee help you draft it? Just joshin' again.

You ask a bunch of questions about how Christians can invade another country, put 180,000 troops on the ground and force their will on another people. It's not that difficult, Mahmoud. Check the record. History's not my strong point, but I think Christians have been kickin' butt since about 342 B.C. Muslims aren't pikers at takin' over other countries either. Got this smart little Iranian fella on my staff -- well, he works in the White House cafeteria -- who tells me that Persia once stretched from Egypt to India. Shiite, son! That's almost bigger than Texas! How y'all lost all that yardage, I don't know. When it comes to empire-buildin', you gotta keep your head in the game. It's kinda like football. Can't let the other team push ya back.

That was some empire y'all had, though. Hell, boy, they called Persia "The Cradle of Science." I been readin' up on it. This fella Muhammad Ibn Musa-whatshisname invented algebra in the ninth century. And then that guy Banu Musa-whosits invented mathematics. I'd like to have a word or two with those fellas because they made my life a livin' hell in high school. Heh, heh.

It also was some Persian fellas who invented medicine way back in the day. Think about that. Didn't have any medicine. You hurt yourself, the only thing the doctor could tell ya was, "Don't scratch it." Then, boom, your people invented medicine, and now it's all over the place. But it's cheaper in Canada.

But what have y'all done since then? You were on the cutting edge of modern science, and now you've slipped back into the Middle Ages. You don't let folks watch movies or TV, listen to music, play on computers ... no kissin' girls or drinkin' whiskey ... sheesh, you sound like my old grade-school nanny Juanita. But you want that nuclear bomb thingy. Kinda big jump to go from goat herdin' to nukes, Mahmoud.

I know you think it's not fair -- we've got nukes and you don't. But that's the way the world turns, son. If y'all hadn't stopped all that readin, writin' and 'rithmetic, y'all would have a slew of nukes by now. I don't want to get religious here, but face it. We both believe in God. But the God I believe in gave my country nukes. And the God you believe in gave your country adobe. I think you're pushin' this nuke thing because of all the trouble you have at home. I getcha. But let me tell you something, bubba, I got trouble, too. With hair on it. My approval ratings are in the toilet. Hell, boy, that Georgia hick Jimmy Carter was a tower of statesmanship compared to my poll numbers. And what did he do? He crashed a couple of helicopters in your back yard tryin' to save those hostages y'all took. I know. Sore subject. But I've seen the photos, and you were one of hostage takers. There's that one photo of a blindfolded fella and you're standin' in the back makin' little finger antennas behind his head. Pretty funny, though.

Let's get serious, Mahmoud. You got to work up to this nuclear stuff. You can't just jump in whole hog. Why don't you develop up your country a bit, join the 19th century first? Hell, Iran's not that much different than Texas. Got enough desert to choke a horse. Got to make the best of it. Put in a few water parks. Maybe a huntin' ranch. Just don't tell Dick Cheney about it. He'll be over there shootin' your lawyers. Heh, heh, heh. I'm just joshin'.

I hear you grow a lot of wheat, rice and barley in your country. You know what you got there? Microbreweries. Beer, son. Forget oil, y'all could become king of the beer-producing world.

Gotta run. E-mail me next time. Letters are so old school. Hey, who put the 'mad' in Ahmadinejad? Heh, heh. Just joshin' with ya.

Adios,

George

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