SI NULLUS UMOR FORNICARI EIS

As I noted in my email of 12/31/2016, you seem to have a little volume adjustment problem with your PA system. I appreciate that you turned it down a bit after my email, but this seems to be returning issue.

Since this gets loud enough to wake me up (just this morning, for a random example) in my bedroom with closed window on the far side of the house more than a mile away from the base perimeter fence, I have come to two possible conclusions:

1. The Islamic Squirrels Infiltration League is still probing your defenses, and you’re experimenting with sheer sound pressure to disrupt the fuzzy little bastards’ tissues, or…

Number 1 seems unlikely as I don’t think our local squirrel population is sufficiently radicalized as to join Daesh. Nor do they coordinate well. In groups they tend to get distracted and start chasing each other’s tails.

In support of number 2, I note that the PA volume goes _way_ up at night, and returns to a more sane level after 0800; almost as if they’re turning it down before the bosses come in for the day. Might I suggest the use of a remarkable invention called “instant coffee”? Tastes terrible, but your sleepy security can mix it as strong as needed to keep their fumbling fingers from cranking the knob to 11 every night. Or No-Doze. (I recommend against the use of stronger stimulants such as amphetamines lest your people actually start _seeing_ those radicalized rodents.)

Or you could give the watch post its own amplified speaker which they can turn up until their ears bleed.

The sheer frequency of the announcements is mildly troubling, but that’s really your problem. Perhaps the Islamic Squirrels have joined forces with the Possum Liberation Army and are overwhelming your defenses. Or you need to adjust the sensitivity thresholds on Fence Disturbance Sensors and motion detectors. Unless the critters are dragging along AK-47s, MAID/MILES may be less of a problem. Happily, I’ve yet to see one of the little SOBs manage the safety on an AK-pattern rifle. Reloads are a bitch for those tiny paws, too.

Pray the Al-Qaeda Armadillos don’t align with ISIL and the PLA. Small caliber rounds will bounce off their armor-plated hides. And they burrow like hell. But they can’t see to hit shit, so it evens out.