Dating After Divorce

Today I have a guest post. It is from my sister. I’ve shared several of her writings before… Enjoy!

Dating After Divorce: Learning How to Heal and Move Forward to Creating the Love you Want

By: Meghan D. Lemery, LCSW-R

Much of my work is helping newly divorced individuals navigate their way through the end of a marriage and creating a new vision for a healthy relationship and life in general. There are certain patterns I have come to identify that all of us go through at the end of a significant relationship.

When we take the time to heal properly and set our sights on a healthy vision of love, the world is abundant with opportunities for lasting connection and partnership. When we skip the process of healing and learning from our past mistakes, we may find ourselves stuck in the muck of a repeated pattern of relationships filled with drama, confusion and the familiar baggage of the dysfunctional relationship we got out of.

Perhaps one of the biggest things I hear repeatedly when it comes to a couple surviving a break up is the blame game. Too often we are quick to point the finger at the other person and list every fault and blemish they have. This blame somehow justifies us in the anger and pain we feel, and anger gives us far more power than dealing with the hurt and pain.

When we blame and use anger as a shield we feel much more in control and empowered than allowing the deep roots of sadness to make their presence known through tears and difficult days.

The fact is, unresolved anger leads to a bitter, cold, mistrusting heart that has lost all faith in the power of connection and love. When left to simmer this anger will eat away at our spirits and cause our bodies to be heavy with toxic thoughts and feelings. Have you ever been around someone whose anger is so palpable you can feel it in your own spirit? They wear their anger and bitterness like a coat of protection from ever feeling vulnerable again.

The first step in moving on from the anger phase of a divorce is to own it. Take a deep look within and be brutally honest with yourself about the part you played in the demise of the relationship. This process of owning it takes tremendous courage and when through it, you come out on the other side clearer and free-er.

No one person can be responsible for ruining your life unless you give them the power to. Take back YOUR power and be willing to admit where you missed the mark in the relationship. Once you know your part, be willing to share this with your former partner and let them know you too are responsible for contributing to the demise of the relationship.

This honesty and humility opens up the door to healing for both you and your partner. When someone is honest about their faults it allows the other partner to feel a sense of validation and respect. Be accountable for your actions and have the courage to admit where you could have done better. This step is the only step that will allow you to move forward and heal.

Without the proper guidance or counseling through a break up, we move forward and begin to create the same pattern of dysfunction all over again. When you take the time to own your actions and recognize the allure of the dysfunction you participated in, you give yourself the insight you need to move on to healthier dynamics.

After a devastating breakup most of us want an immediate replacement for the pain we feel. It’s easy to find someone else to take away the pain and immerse ourselves in the excitement of the new relationship.

Resist the urge to pack your U-haul and create a new life with someone immediately. If you jump into something else right away you fail to do the necessary healing that needs to take place before you can be emotionally available to have a relationship with someone new.

If you do decide to date, take your time, have fun and be honest with potential love interests about where you are in the process. Do not pretend to be available emotionally or physically if you are still in the mess of separation agreements, custody issues or a pending divorce. Do not make promises for commitment that you have no room to make in your life. Clean up your past before you plan your future. This will clear up any confusion or expectation that a potential partner has and help you maintain clear healthy boundaries.

Another important point to explore BEFORE you begin the process of dating post break up is your core beliefs about relationships. A very important question to ask yourself is “What is my motive for dating?” The number one response I hear in my office is: “I don’t want to be alone…”

If fear is the motive that throws you out into the dating world, don’t do it!
You are automatically coming from a place of powerlessness and low self esteem, which will only attract shallow dramatic relationships into your life.

Some other core beliefs to examine are your beliefs about romantic relationships. Some common unhealthy core beliefs are the following:
-All men cheat
-All women are crazy
-Marriage is a death trap
-Never show vulnerability you will get hurt

If any of these rings true for you I assure you, dating will only complicate your life further. When you date with these core beliefs operating than you attract what you believe. If you believe women are crazy then you will be a magnet for someone to slash your tires and boil a rabbit in your kitchen. Likewise, if you think all men cheat you will have your dance card full of charming Fabio’s who will prove you right every night of the week.

We are unconsciously attracted to someone based on our core beliefs. Most of us don’t even know what we believe and you may be astonished to see how your negative core beliefs are hampering you from finding healthy love.

Examine your core beliefs, where they come from and be willing to do the work to pull them out from the roots and set a new set of beliefs that are healthy and more willing to bring you a lasting partnership.

If the core belief is to find a partner who will enhance your life in every way and inspire you to be a better person, you are ready to date and be emotionally available to another person.

Dating post divorce can be overwhelming and anxiety provoking. Get some support, take your time and be willing to explore where you are in the process and where you want to be. You deserve to have a healthy loving relationship that enhances your life in EVERY way!

Wishing you success in love today and every day!

*Ms. Lemery is a psychotherapist practicing in Glens Falls and Saratoga Springs, NY. For more information visit meghanlemery.com or email meghanlemery@yahoo.com

Divorse is a terrible thing to happen, but does. There are many who are divorsed but did not wish it. Rather their partner chose it and they had essentially no choice.
This article is one that all who are divorsed should read before heading out into the dating world again.

yeah, a family member is going through a divorce.
He think all women under 30 are crazy and have major issues… I said , and you don’t have any issues, right?

I think, when you get completely blindsided and the person you spent all that time with building upon trust
is the opposite that you thought, people get a little haywire. How could you not… it’s ghot to rattle your perspective of how you look at yourself and your ability
to meet someone in the future.

Marriage is an eternal bond, blessed by God, between one man and one woman. It cannot be dissolved by man. Therefore there can be no dating after divorce. There can be no divorce. This is blasphemy and goes against the laws of God. What will come next? Marriage between people of the same sex? Divorce is not allowed by the laws of God.

jeff.. you really could not tell that I responded sarcastically to dan, because I knew full well that dan was not what he pretended to be? It wasn’t crystal clear to you, from my sarcasm, that I already knew that dan was an atheist? I am sorry that the obvious so easily escapes you, dr.

realist/edgar/sybil… You seem awfully preoccupied with my profession, posting what I do for a living on other blogs. What is that all about? I have the feeling I know the answer but would love to hear your take on that. I can’t tell if this is just a little cyber-crush or is your behavior on these blogs indicative of something more pathological.

jeff, why did you comment that you were a psychologist, if you didn’t want other blog participants to know that you are a psychologist? If you are not a doctor of psychology, but you are some other kind of psychologist, then I apologize for assuming that you are a doctor of psychology. But, I only know that you are a psychologist, because you posted that you are a psychologist.

If it bothers you that I call you dr, because I assumed you to be doctor of psychology after you commented that you are a psychologist, just say so, and I will be happy to discontinue my use of “dr” pertaining to you.

Frankly, given your penchant for childish name calling, I harbor doubts as to whether you are actually a doctor of psychology, or some other kind of psychologist. Honestly, how could any kind of psychologist be so immature as to resort to such childish behavior as name calling. You’d have to be insane to place your trust in such a developmentally delayed name calling psychologist.

Sometimes people don’t have a choice, they have to get divorced for various reasons. One should not judge the actions of another human being as one does not know what that person is going through. You need to have walked in their shoes before you judge them.

Thank you realist/edgar/sybil…you just answered my question and I was right you are mentally ill. You seem to want to invoke name calling so you can then turn on the person you disagree with. You also have no problem making racist and homophobic remarks on here and other blogs, apparently just to get some badly needed attention. Poor baby…I actually feel sorry for you.

Jeffrey,
“You seem to want to invoke name calling so you can then turn on the person you disagree with.”

Think of the school yard bully who tries to intimidate other kids by pushing them around and taunting them with “Hit me. C’mon, hit me. You know you want to hit me.”, and then cries like a baby and tries to play the victim when someone finally does. They desperately crave, even NEED, attention, and don’t care how obnoxious they have to be to get that attention. Most people either outgrow it or take it too far and end up in jail.

The TU has the pleasure of being trolled by someone who chose the middle ground and never moved out of childish bully stage. It’s pathetic.

reep, would you mind helping dr jeff to find and post racist and/or homophobic posts that the good doctor accuses me of having made, please? It is my intent, when the doctor fails to back up his false claims with evidence, to push back against dr jeff’s attempts to use false charges of racism and homophobia. Thanks!

EZ, how would you respond, if someone made baseless accusations that you made racist and homophobic posts?

Having been the target of such baseless accusations myself, and knowing full well that I haven’t made any such comments, I choose to call the accuser out, by asking him to please provide evidence to substantiate his baseless claims. Of course, knowing that the accuser can’t back up his false claims, I know that he won’t even try to substantiate his false claims, and, as a result of his inability to document his false accusations, I know that he will simmer in silence, watching his credibility evaporate.

Thanks, in advance, for letting me know how you would respond to false charges, like those false charges made against me by the psychologist, dr. jeff.

Realist, good question. I would ignore them and focus on the subject matter on hand. Do you think Liz’s sister cares about frivolous internet trolling arguments back and forth, or do you think she’s disappointed by the animosity spread by two people who are diametrically opposed and accostic to each other and using her post as an outlet for this behavior?

Or, as Jesus has said, “Turn the other cheek”, and “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you… Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you”, and finally “Judge not, lest ye be judged”.

Am I now responsible for other people’s comments, doc? That’s insane! Please feel free to dredge up comments under “edgar,” or “realist,” which I have made, but, please, don’t try to make me responsible for anyone else’s comments, doc. Even you wouldn’t dare to be that intellectually dishonest would you, dr of psychology jeff?

reep, why haven’t you posted any racist or homophobic comments of mine? Please, please, please, please… pretty please! Please dredge up a racist or homophobic comment of mine, because if you can’t, and we both know that you can’t, you will have helped to destroy dr j’s credibility. Please, save dr j’s reputation as a reputable psychologist, and save him from being labeled as someone prone to bullying with false charges.