Chester Dunham's Swell Video Game Reviews

Video game reviews written by a man transported from the 1920's to today!

Hello There!

Isn't this intranet gadget a real keen invention?

My name is Chester Dunham, and I was born on August 12th, 1895. I'm an inventor by trade, see, and one day in 1926 I was working on my amazing time travelling machine when I pulled the wrong lever and landed myself in the year aught-eight. Two thousand aught-eight! My, what a shocker!

I was all balled up at first, of course, until I came across my great grandson, Brian Dunham. Everything's jake now, I'm learning to live in this funny old bird of a time, and he even introduced me to these gadgets you folks call video games.

Seeing as I possess a propensity for curiosity in all things machinery, I see it right to start reviewing these wild contraptions and to let you know hows I feel about 'em. I'll try my darndest not to let my time travelling background get in the way of my writing best I can, you bet your sweet bippy that.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Where to start? It seems some fellow over in Japan stuck his nose deep in opium, and this here seven-year long nonsensical epic was what came of it. Metal Gear Solid 4, whose title alone would be enough to get you labelled a witch in my day, is some sort of devil's brew of violence, unsightly long movies in between playing, and moustaches. I'd be darned to join Rudolph Valentino in his hellfire if I said I knew a lick of what was going on in this game.

First off, maybe it's because I'm just from the 1920s, but everyone in this game likes to talk about some snake, and I can't say I saw a single reptile throughout the course of the game. If you're going to talk about some exotic animal you only find in the moving pictures, you best present one. Instead, an old one-eyed fellow with an admittedly dapper moustache parades around firin' his gats at any scadabout underminded enough to step in front of him.

Don't misunderstand me, playing was fun, when I knew I was playing a game. But half the time I was treated to some story of melted water men in bags and flying motorcycles and arms and the whole thing felt like I'd been swept into the sixth circle of Dante's Inferno. Yes, I'm a literate man, and I know a story when I see it. Walter Morehart's Tale of Abigail the Field Mouse, now that's a story. Slapstick Follies at the O.K. Corral featuring Bennie Hudson, now that's a story. But this Metal Gear Solid 4, or MGS4 for those of you raised in a lazy society of men who bring Italian pies to your doorstep, doesn't make a lick of sense, and I felt two nickels short of a henhouse every time some little girl came along in the game to cook me eggs. In my day, eggs were scarce, and the waste of eggs by that little blondie was downright unsettlin' to my nerves.

Another particular segment featured a flying fellow by the name of Raven, who asked me to give him my anger. I tried my darnedest, you bet your life, but I just couldn't and so we had to spar until I killed the mentally challenged bird man. In fact, most of the figures that make up the ensemble of this MGS are the sort that'd have been put into an institution in my day, if not tarred, feathered, and dumped into Lake Erie on the spot. It was a cruel routine, to be sure, but you can't say the folks of the 1920s were an inefficient lot. At least, when it came to treatin' our retards. Prohibition and the whole "Great" Depression (I've disagreed with the positive language historians use to describe it, given my personal experience in the period) were the more inefficient elements of our 1920s policies.

From what I hear, this game's made quite the splash. Many folks are calling it a bona fide classic. Well let me be the first to call it a bona fide organ grinder caught in the mesher of a large riding mower. That should make my feelings on the game clear.

Pros: Dapper moustache, you ride a motorcycle at one point

Cons: A monkey with a typewriter'd make a more logical story, too few actual snakes

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

My goodness! If ever there were a sign of the changing times, it's when a man gussied up in black pajamas races around New York in a thunderstorm, lopping off other fellas' limbs with a reckless abandon not seen since the presidency of one Theodore Roosevelt. I don't know if Ninja Gaiden II represents a realistic portrayal of the world from the Japanese perspective and I don't want to know. What I do know is that those folks've created a devil's brew of mayhem and violence, with blood and limbs and heads flyin' every which way.

The hero, or psychopath depending on your disposition, is Ryu Hayabusa, a young scadabout who goes at his enemies' limbs with a sword much like President William Taft would go at spaghetti with a fork. You treat this "Black Spider Clan" whozawhatzit like they were Eastern European immigrants in 1920s Chicago, murdering them without mercy for a number of hours until the journey comes to an end.

And wouldn't you know it, it's difficult to get away with killing in this Japanese dystopia! One thing to say for the game is, while others would make such a murder spree seem like a walk through the park to Sam's Drugstore on eleventh street, Ninja Gaiden actually lets fickle children's minds know that pulling off a genocide would likely be hard work. Many times my electric representation died in battle, yet they manage to make the removal of legs and heads such an exhilaration that I didn't mind all too much.

When I was a young man, I used to head stories of murderous gangsters who'd kill you if they even thought you might rat to the police or think a woman should vote. Finally there's a game that lets you know just what was so appealing about the lifestyle, as you cut a mighty swath through hundreds of innocent, nameless fiends. Of course, in the afterlife you'd likely have to answer for these horrible, horrible sins, but for a videogame, this conjures up something wonderful and keen!

Pros: Feel like a gangster, realistic depiction of difficulty of murdering people

Cons: William Howard Taft was a cheating Commie, game's an abomination to God

Friday, May 30, 2008

Now that's the ticket! 'Bout time someone got wise and breached the spectacular territory that is the time period in which I spent my young adult years! For some back story, it seems there's some young men who call themselves the Penny Arcade, albeit nothing they do is much similar to the penny arcades I'm used to. They make drawings of themselves, and over time the venture's become so popular as to warrant a game! Fine thing that!

In the game, you travel around what I can only label as Chicago in the early twentieth century, seeing as the projection is so much like what I'm used to! And it seems some twisted inventor much like myself took it upon himself to study the dark magicks and unleash some horrible gizmos upon the poor City of Enlightenment (if they still call Chicago that)! Of course, it's a work of fiction- at least I hope it is, I did miss many years in my time travels- so you'll have to forgive some of the strange inaccuracies that appear. A young lady reading books, for instance! It truly is a fantasy. In my day, the real my day, a young bearcat like that would receive the whooping of her life at the end of her father's switch! They did manage to accurately portray my peers' great fear of the carnival folk, however.

My one major complaint is that this is only a portion of a story. If Charlie Chaplin were to only release parts of his story at a time, he'd have been strung up and bee-tarred for sure! I've been told it's similar to this contraption known as a TV, seems there's this word, "episodic." In my day we had other words for it- lazy, slothful, and farfussernated. The gamebuilders here were so farfussernated, they figured we'd be happy just waiting until the next one to see the full end of the story!

Still, being around a so cleverly and realistically detailed 1910's Chicago brought me back to my youth, when hot dogs only cost a dollar and folks didn't need to worry about things that were "different." Between fighting hobos and fending off mimes with a tommy gun, I felt right at home. If only they didn't use such strange words as "weak sauce" to describe the potions you find, and it could have been a real humdinger. That's Doc Rudolph's Hair Elixir and you know it.

I've been told there's a bit too much vagueness to my reviews, so here's a list of pro n' cons for you to digest:

Pros: Realistic Chicago atmosphere, fine time period, kill hobosCons: Story not complete, some cursory words, could be more hobo killing