CollegeHumor: Eddie Small Contributionshttp://www.collegehumor.com/user/3379703
Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links!/post/6991553http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6991553/how-to-plan-a-weekend-getaway-with-friends
Mon, 15 Sep 2014 02:11:54 -0400/post/6991553http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6991553/how-to-plan-a-weekend-getaway-with-friends
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/32/39/3fc5e5aa6445cebd6c93b49239c1f14f-how-to-plan-a-weekend-getaway-with-friends.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="315" data-image-id="15365465" data-frame="fullsize" /></p>
<p>1. Decide that you are tired of spending so many nice weekends binge watching "Game of Thrones" in your bedroom with the curtains closed and that it is time to get out and actually do something and experience sunlight for once. Plus, you only have, like, two episodes of season four left, so you need to figure something out unless you just want to watch "Breaking Bad" for the third time.</p>
<p>2. Pick a two-day recreational activity taking place a few months from now that has always seemed fun to you but that you had never felt motivated enough to plan before. Email all of your friends who you think might be at least somewhat interested in the hopes that one of them will say yes and just put together the whole trip themselves because, to be honest, you still don't feel that motivated to plan anything.</p>
<p>3. Do not include Todd on the email chain because...well, you know. That thing in Ocean City. You don't want a repeat of that.</p>
<p>4. Receive several vague expressions of interest from your friends, none of which actually commit to doing anything but rather just express general approval about the concept of doing something.</p>
<p>5. Repeat step 4 for about five or six days. Include the occasional inside joke or off-topic conversation to liven things up when you are bored at work.</p>
<p>6. Reluctantly accept the fact that, as the person who started the email chain, your friends are all assuming you are the one in charge of this activity. Send an email reminding them that the event is only about a week away now, so you need to know who is coming. Gratuitously sprinkle jokes throughout this email in a desperate attempt to avoid sounding authoritarian and not fun.</p>
<p>7. Enjoy the silence as an entire day passes without a reply. Resist the urge to send a passive aggressive follow-up email about how people seemed much more eager to talk when the thread focused on the faults inherent in Mike and Julie's relationship.</p>
<p>8. Receive a definite "yes" from one of your friends. This should be followed almost immediately by several more as the fear of missing out on something if you go gradually becomes overwhelmed by the fear of missing out on something if you stay.</p>
<p>9. Oh, damn it, Todd found out.</p>
<p>10. Who the fuck told Todd?</p>
<p>11. Apologize profusely to Todd. Explain that he is obviously invited and that not including him on the email chain was simply a mistake, one which had nothing to do with this Ocean City incident he keeps mentioning. Honestly, you're not even sure what he's referring to.</p>
<p>12. Realize you now have to try coordinating rides to the event and housing once you arrive. Become overwhelmed and contemplate moving back in with your parents.</p>
<p>13. Remind yourself how often your aging father would try to make you help him with yard work if you came home. Man up and send out an email asking who has a car. </p>
<p>14. Of course Todd has a car. Well, I guess he has to come now.</p>
<p>15. Seriously, who the fuck told Todd about this?</p>
<p>16. Convince one of your friends who you bought a candy bar for in 7th grade to call and book a hotel room for everyone. Feel a sense of accomplishment entirely out of proportion to the magnitude of what you actually did.</p>
<p>17. The night before the getaway, send a reminder email to your friends, and celebrate your amazing planning skills with a drink or two.</p>
<p>18. Maybe a few more.</p>
<p>19. ...</p>
<p>20. Oh...oh...oww. My head.</p>
<p>21. Fuck, what time is it?</p>
<p>22. 11:30? Well, Todd left an hour an a half ago. That fucker always leaves on time. Oh well.</p>
<p>23. Put on the first episode of "Breaking Bad." Accept the fact that this is kind of what you wanted to do all along.</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6947760http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6947760/presidential-election-frontrunners-for-2048
Fri, 10 Jan 2014 04:04:21 -0500/post/6947760http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6947760/presidential-election-frontrunners-for-2048
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><!--[if gte mso 9]>
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<p><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"><img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/60/16/d9c2f93d425b80b081e83b701deffee6.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="150" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14833496" /> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;" align="center"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The president of Mrs. Hander's kindergarten class in Iowa Valley Elementary School has been the clear favorite for months, and it's easy to see why. She can already point to more accomplishments than any of her competitors--extending naptime by six minutes, not crying during her inaugural address--and her firm belief that girls should not kiss boys until they stop being yucky should help endear her to values voters in the Iowa caucuses. Still, she's not quite the inevitable nominee yet, as factors ranging from an alleged shady deal with the third graders for exclusive sandbox rights to puberty could threaten to derail her campaign.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;" align="center"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> <img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/14/72/d61bd52a7e0dbcf9b29b279bafc95188.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="150" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14833501" /> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">The Ohio fifth grader's foreign policy credentials are a little light, but Democrats may be willing to overlook that due to her membership in a still amorphous new minority group that will probably coalesce into a political force sometime around 2036.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> <img class="inline-image" src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/12/98/a261a9e89c3083e63a655a15e72ffea8.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="150" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14833498" /> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">Pembroke should do well in the crucial early primary state of New Hampshire, given that he was born there four years ago and has yet to leave. He polls strongly among suburban mothers based on his ability to make them feel as though their lives have meaning. However, he could run into trouble among the older brother age bracket, at least one of whom believes the country was better off before Jimmy came along and started making him share the PS4.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> <img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/89/45/490775e67fafdc5f5a5ce8c2a5e1d13b.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="150" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14833500" /> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">White heterosexual Christian male, no criminal record, born into a rich family. Hey, he's got a shot, right?</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> <img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/40/48/0d5634820057ae54c19fbc9d9af9b572.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="150" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14833499" /> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">His aggressive and successful leadership during Springfield Middle School's annual capture the flag game makes Willbrooks a virtual lock to win support from the Republican Party's foreign policy hawks. However, an unfounded but persistent rumor that he fingered Bethany Chapin at the victory party despite telling Jamie Stewart he would be her boyfriend two days earlier could hurt his support among social conservatives.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;"> <img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/11/88/40ec8aee3e631b212a6d53eadd689668.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="150" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14833621" /> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 13.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; color: #1a1a1a;">Assuming Chris Christie wins in 2016, and assuming a weak economy propels Andrew Cuomo to the presidency in 2020, and assuming a huge upsurge in patriotism following the outbreak of the Chinese-American War sweeps him to a landslide reelection in 2024, and assuming an embarrassing defeat at the Battle of Shanghai causes a fed up public to elect Rand Paul in 2028, and assuming he honors his pledge to serve one term and hands things off to current College Republican National Committee Chair Alex Smith in 2032, and assuming virtually all of her top administration officials are indicted under the Thrivner Scandal leading to three straight terms of Democratic rule, and assuming a drink called "Pepsi Bold" is invented at some point in the early 2040s, things could look very, very good for this 13-year-old Californian in 2048.</span> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;"> <img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/47/98/b3da9302da798b21f4b64e017e064af7.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="150" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14833502" /> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria;">I mean, obviously.</span></p>
<!--EndFragment-->
<p> </p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6946046http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6946046/if-the-rules-of-alumni-giving-applied-to-other-purchases
Mon, 23 Dec 2013 20:20:48 -0500/post/6946046http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6946046/if-the-rules-of-alumni-giving-applied-to-other-purchases
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><img class="inline-image" src="http://1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/99/43/6a8d7fc59ea32617654ada572a0b981b.jpg" alt="undefined" width="600" height="301" data-frame="full" data-image-id="14372995" /> </p>
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<ol class="chat_transcript">
<li><img id="edit-chat" src="/jument/tinymce/skins/lightgray/img/icons/chat.png" alt="" /></li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Ok, so your total comes to $200,000.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Oh, wow. That seems pricey for a Corolla.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Trust me, it will be worth it. Think of this as an investment.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>But can you even guarantee that I'll still be using it in four years?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Look, the stuff you're going to learn and the memories you're going to make in this car will stay with you forever. Things like that are priceless.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>I thought you said it was $200,000.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>You know what I mean.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Well, look, I only have about $50,000 in savings right now.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>No problem, just take out a loan for the rest of it! You won't have to pay any of that money back until the future! And who the hell knows if that will ever even get here?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Hmm, that's a good point. I guess I'm in.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Wonderful! You won't regret this.</p>
</li>
<li class="narrator cf">Five years later...</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Hey, my main man! How's it going?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Oh, uh, hi. Things are pretty good, I guess.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Nice! So listen, how would you feel about giving Toyota a few more bucks?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>... You mean, like, in exchange for another product?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>No.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>... So you just want me to give you money again?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Yes.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Are you... are you fucking kidding me? You know I still owe the government about $140,000 for that stupid Corolla, right? Not to mention the fact that I've barely used it at all since moving to New York. And that all that "stuff" you said I was going to learn in it pretty much just boiled down to "Don't trust your roommate when he tells you how good he is at driving stoned." So I guess I feel pretty damn poorly about giving Toyota a few more bucks.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Alright, alright, let's just calm down for a second.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Also, how did you find out where I live? You know it's kinda weird for a salesperson from five years ago to just show up at your doorstep, right?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Don't worry about that. Look, you're part of a community of Corolla owners now, ok? And that purchase is an indelible part of your identity. It's going to stick with you for the rest of your life.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Actually, I'm starting to find that the further away I get from my purchase, the less people ask me about it.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Sorry, I couldn't hear that last thing you said. Anyway, don't you think it's in your best interest to make sure that Toyota continues to have enough money to keep the Corolla brand as prestigious as possible? In the long term, it's only going to make you and your purchase look that much better!</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>But you're still getting money, right? I mean, people are still buying Corollas, aren't they?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Well... yes, they are. But we'd like more money, that's all. Besides, you kind of owe us after all we've done for you.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Really. Because I thought I just owed you $200,000 for the car. Which I've paid.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase!!!!!!!!!</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>Oh, for fuck's sake, fine. How much do you want?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Well, you purchased your car in 2009. So, in honor of that, how about a nice, round donation of $2,009?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>I'm gonna give you five bucks.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH THANK YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANKYOU THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>It's fine. Now will you get out of here? I've got to be at work soon, and the subway comes in five minutes.</p>
</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>No problem.</p>
</li>
<li class="narrator cf">The next day...</li>
<li class="person_1 cf"><strong>Salesperson</strong>
<p>Hey there, buckaroo! How's life? I couldn't help but remember you saying you had to go to work yesterday. How about sending some of that nice fat paycheck over to Toyota, eh?</p>
</li>
<li class="person_2 cf"><strong>You</strong>
<p>You know, I think I'm just gonna move.</p>
</li>
</ol>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><!--EndFragment--></p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6932666http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6932666/i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health
Thu, 31 Oct 2013 14:43:07 -0400/post/6932666http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6932666/i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<!-- teaser -->
<div id="teaser">
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6932666/i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health"><img class="inline-image" src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/70/97/13a1fa1946adacea059eb3c0421e2f8b-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="302" /></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6932666/i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health"><img class="inline-image" src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/61/55/396c60de8964fce1cdb708087999a274-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="245" /></a><!-- readmore --></p>
</div>
<!-- /teaser -->
<p class="MsoNormal"><img class="inline-image" src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/70/97/13a1fa1946adacea059eb3c0421e2f8b-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="302" /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><img class="inline-image" src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/61/55/396c60de8964fce1cdb708087999a274-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="245" /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><img class="inline-image" src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/59/51/ccd572d4a93f289a552c1677b746199e-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="310" /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><img class="inline-image" src="http://1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/69/53/0a7691aea6aa5121c6f24e6ad6d58a82-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="250" /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/96/39/6a7d07483b02e16a7fd1536cc71ec7ad-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="229" /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><img class="inline-image" src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/29/83/ad514be949489f0344e1110e0ee06cfa-i-think-google-maps-is-starting-to-worry-about-your-health.jpg" alt="I Think Google Maps Is Starting To Worry About Your Health" width="600" height="199" /></p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6923851http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6923851/getting-an-extension-on-your-final-paper
Wed, 09 Oct 2013 01:54:50 -0400/post/6923851http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6923851/getting-an-extension-on-your-final-paper
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<p><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/93/69/aa274e8acac662353d7241a074aaa095-getting-an-extension-on-your-final-paper.jpg" alt="" /> Asking for an extension on your final paper can be intimidating, but if you just make sure to follow these simple instructions, you'll be on your way to a "yes" and an extra two weeks in no time!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">1. Walk confidently into your professor's office, making frequent and intense eye contact the entire time so he knows you're mature.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">2. Explain politely, clearly and succinctly why you will be unable to complete the paper by the assigned deadline.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">3. No, but seriously, you're, like, REALLY busy.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">4. Is this fucker still not listening to you?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">5. Allow two decades of feeling powerless to completely overtake you in a wave of white-hot rage.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">6. Shhhh, just be quiet, Professor Mitchell. This will all be over soon.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">7. Oh, shit.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">8. SHIT!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">9. What the fuck did you just do?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">10. Ok, ok, just calm down for a second. He might not be dead. Dad always said you had weak girlish hands.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">11. Nope, he's dead. Definitely dead.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">12. Try to figure out some way of justifying what just happened so that you can still call yourself a good person.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">13. Fail.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">14. Quietly walk out of the office, whistling a happy innocuous tune and pulling up a list of countries the United States does not have extradition with on your phone.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">15. Well, at least Mitchell wasn't one of the popular professors. It'll probably be a while before anyone notices he's gone.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">16. Sarah's outside? Why the hell is Sarah trying to see Professor Mitchell?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">17. She wants to turn her final paper in early? Oh, geez. Well, might as well finish what you started.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">18. Explain to Professor Hanover that you cannot turn in your paper on time because you are too upset over the death of your classmate.</p>
<!--EndFragment-->
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"> </p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6920333http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6920333/five-huge-plot-holes-in-classic-childrens-films
Thu, 19 Sep 2013 19:42:12 -0400/post/6920333http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6920333/five-huge-plot-holes-in-classic-childrens-films
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><img class="inline-image" src="http://1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/61/32/46a401a7f6a7f59dbb6062ad235c3509-five-huge-plot-holes-in-classic-childrens-films.jpg" alt="Five HUGE Plot Holes in Classic Childrens Films" width="600" height="258" /></p>
<p>Look, I enjoy watching fictional narratives play out on a giant glowing screen as much as anyone, but recently I've noticed that a few so called "classic" children's movies have HUGE plot holes in them that NEED to be discussed and complained about on the INTERNET, preferably in CAPTIAL LETTERS. Take, for instance:</p>
<p> </p>
<h2>1. Cars: Cars can't talk.</h2>
<p><span style="color: inherit; font-family: inherit;">This is supposed to be a heartwarming tale about a cocky protagonist learning what really matters in life, right? Too bad the audience is COMPLETELY unable to focus on this aspect because, oh yeah, all of the characters are CARS, but they all somehow manage to speak PERFECT ENGLISH! I tried talking to MY car in English once, and all it did was sit there silently and remind me how LONELY I am!</span></p>
<h2> </h2>
<p> </p>
<h2>2. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: Magic isn't real.</h2>
<p>This movie starts out great when it looks like it's going to be about how to ostracize people who are weird and small. But then, all of a sudden, it turns out that the wimpy kid with glasses has MAGIC POWERS! Oh, wow, totally believable, except that MAGIC DOESN'T EXIST! I've known this ever since a magician came to my sixth birthday party and said he was going to pull a rabbit out of a hat but wound up just having sex with my mom.</p>
<p> </p>
<h2>3. The Fox and the Hound: In real life, it is impossible to overcome differences.</h2>
<p>I haven't spoken to my brother in TEN YEARS because he thinks Paul McCartney is more talented than John Lennon, but I'm supposed to believe that a fox and a hound will IGNORE the roles society has already laid out for them and become FRIENDS? No way. Also, I REALLY MISS my brother.</p>
<p> </p>
<h2>4. Rookie of the Year: The Cubs are terrible.</h2>
<p>Seriously, have you seen their record this year? It's pathetic.</p>
<p> </p>
<h2>5. Home Alone: The main character is clearly Macaulay Culkin.</h2>
<p>A comedy about how funny it is when people get hurt? Sure, maybe if Kevin McCallister wasn't OBVIOUSLY a fictional human being portrayed by child star Macaulay Culkin in exchange for money! How are we supposed to care about anything that happens to this kid when he's just an ACTOR whose actions in the film will have NO REAL CONSEQUENCES? It's almost like the filmmakers want us to RELAX when watching this instead of OBSESSIVELY POINTING OUT ITS FLAWS, using up time and energy that would probably be better spent doing something like TRYING TO GET OUR PARENTS BACK TOGETHER after the MAGICIAN INCIDENT! But come on, that concept is almost as crazy as talking cars.</p>
<p> </p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6903154http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6903154/whoa-can-you-believe-these-wacky-laws-are-real
Wed, 17 Jul 2013 20:35:08 -0400/post/6903154http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6903154/whoa-can-you-believe-these-wacky-laws-are-real
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><!-- teaser --><div id="teaser">
<p><a href="//www.collegehumor.com/article/6903154/whoa-can-you-believe-these-wacky-laws-are-real"><div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/40/75/ec5508444c44667bc705af574044f23f.jpg" width="600" height="531" alt="Whoa Can You Believe these Wacky Laws are Real" /></div></div></a></p>
</div><!-- /teaser --></p>
<p><!-- readmore --></p>
<div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/90/56/63b6ef675bb12f1413702b86dc8db2a1.jpg" width="920" height="3042" alt="Whoa Can You Believe these Wacky Laws are Real" /></div></div>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6898562http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6898562/just-a-typical-application-for-a-new-apartment
Tue, 25 Jun 2013 14:15:20 -0400/post/6898562http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6898562/just-a-typical-application-for-a-new-apartment
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><!-- teaser --><div id="teaser">
<p><a href="//www.collegehumor.com/article/6898562/just-a-typical-application-for-a-new-apartment"><div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/29/47/ff3d677b20ede6b57c46cae6e297c610-just-a-typical-application-for-a-new-apartment.jpg" width="600" height="572" /></div></div></a></p>
</div><!-- /teaser --></p>
<p><!-- readmore --></p>
<div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/49/49/b0a47913d0aba566afdc1cb7815f3cd9-just-a-typical-application-for-a-new-apartment.jpg" width="920" height="1190" alt="Just a Typical Application for a New Apartment" /></div></div>
<div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/54/91/d8409242ad20ce8e81a36ac9f5e6ddef-just-a-typical-application-for-a-new-apartment.jpg" width="920" height="524" alt="Just a Typical Application for a New Apartment" /></div></div>
<div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/53/60/79ce221d33881ba5f9e3757041189095-just-a-typical-application-for-a-new-apartment.jpg" width="920" height="1190" alt="Just a Typical Application for a New Apartment" /></div></div>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6878482http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6878482/fung-wah-safety-lecture
Tue, 19 Mar 2013 02:44:09 -0400/post/6878482http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6878482/fung-wah-safety-lecture
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><a href="//www.collegehumor.com/article/6878482/fung-wah-safety-lecture"><div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/58/90/abc74b644724b47bb8d168f063b1e418-fung-wah-safety-lecture.jpg" width="600" height="400" /></div></div></a><br />
Hello, Fung Wah drivers! I have good news! Repair service is complete by inspectors, so I am happy to welcoming you back to your noble transportation service careers!<br />
There are a few changes inspectors made us agree to before letting back on the roads, so please to be keeping these things in mind as you restart your Boston to New York discount adventures:<br />
First, if bus catches on fire, you should not keep to driving bus. Please pull over at either the first sight of flames or the first smell of burning flesh, whichever comes later. If a passenger approaches you to complain or scream about bus being on fire, stop driving. Do not respond with a knowing comment about the increasing popularity of Fung Wah or Communist Party General Secretary Xi Jinping, regardless of how truth both statements are.<!-- readmore --></p>
<p><br />
Second, buses with brake systems that no longer working should not be advertised as belonging to the Fung Wah Express Service Fleet. They should be taken out of service and put aside for necessary repair. However, if the brakes seem like they are not working, but you think you can make the trip anyway, go with your gut, especially if many passengers have already pay.<br />
Third, if bus breaks down midway between Boston and New York, call Fung Wah headquarters, and promise to refund passenger money. Do not attempt to corral passengers into pushing bus for the last 125 miles, as many will be lazy Americans who do not understand the value of coming together and toiling to serve a benevolent purpose greater than themselves.<br />
Fourth, when you hit pedestrian, do not continue to going. Stop bus and see if pedestrian is still alive. If he is, offer him special $10 Fung Wah Casualty Ticket in exchange for no lawsuit. If he is not, find family and offer tickets to them. If family continues to cry after ticket offer, suggest helping to cover funeral expenses instead, but press that tickets are a better long-term investment, as family member is already die.<br />
(Inspectors originally want us to not hit pedestrians at all, but we told them this is ridiculousness. It is as if they think we are all infallible Communist Party General Secretary Xi Jinping! Ha.)<br />
Fifth, if bus ticket say bus is going to New York or Boston, bus must go to New York or Boston. This remains true even if someone text you about a great Dragon Boat Festival in Philadelphia&#039;s Chinatown. Passengers probably do not like Dragon Boat Festival as much as you. This holds true for Lantern and Longtaitou Festivals as well. Drivers are encouraged to use their best judgment when dealing with invitations to Qingming Festivals.<br />
Sixth, Tiananmen Square was not a very big deal.<br />
Seventh, all drivers must now have magical card called a &quot;license&quot; before operating bus. Inspectors appear to believe that drivers will not be able to use bus without one for unclear reasons. Repeated offers to demonstrate how this is not truth were enthusiastically turned down.<br />
Finally, when you stop at hamburger stand McDonald on the way, do your best not to glare contemptuously as a sea of large, pasty Americans struggles to climb the three steps back onto bus so they can recline and contentedly munch on processed dead cow meat while you continue to make an honest and humble day&#039;s work. Remind yourself that the final battle will come soon enough, and carry on.<br />
Apart from that, things will be pretty much the same at Fung Wah. This is especially truth when it comes to no seatbelts. Seatbelts are for wimps. Even inspectors agree with that.<br />
<br />
</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6872559http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6872559/the-beginners-guide-to-working-out
Thu, 21 Feb 2013 02:16:41 -0500/post/6872559http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6872559/the-beginners-guide-to-working-out
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><div class="media"><div class="embed center"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/87/42/8abd76c73004f38114c687a972947825-the-beginners-guide-to-working-out.jpg" width="600" height="218" alt="The Beginners Guide To Working Out - Image 1" /></div></div><br />
<h4>Hello! I&#039;ve recently noticed that I get extremely out of breath and sweaty while folding my laundry, so I&#039;ve decided to join a gym. However, I&#039;ve never really worked out before. Can you help me get started?</h4> No problem! First things first: you&#039;re going to want to stop eating that Pop-Tart.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>But it&#039;s chocolate fudge!</h4> Just put it down for now. It will be here when you get back.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>I don&#039;t know. My roommate&#039;s kind of a jerk.</h4> Trust me. Now, what kind of exercise do you want to start with: aerobic or anaerobic?<br />
</p>
<p><h4>&#133;What?</h4> Would you rather run for a really long time without ever actually going anywhere or pick up a bunch of heavy things and then almost immediately put them back down?<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Oh! Hmm&#133;those both sound pretty stupid. Are there any other options?</h4> No.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Ok. Then I guess the heavy things one.</h4> Great. Let&#039;s start with your deltoids.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>&#133;</h4> Your shoulders.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>&#133;</h4> Just sit down at that black machine with all the leftover sweat on it.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>No problem. Hey, wait a second.</h4> What&#039;s wrong?<br />
</p>
<p><h4>The guy who was using the machine before me can lift more than I can, and now I&#039;m insecure. Is there anything I can do about that?</h4> You have two options. The first is to accept that you&#039;re just starting to work out, lift what you can for now, and trust that, with enough hard work, you&#039;ll eventually be able to lift as much as the guy who used the machine before you.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Let&#039;s do the second option.</h4> I haven&#039;t told you what it is yet.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Well, it&#039;s got to be better than that.</h4> Fine. Head over to one of the treadmills, and do your best to pretend that the gym&#039;s weight room doesn&#039;t exist.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Yes, I like this idea much better. Oh wow. There are a lot of hot girls here. Are all of them single?</h4> Yes.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Nice! What&#039;s the best way to introduce myself?</h4> Well, we should probably get at least <em>some</em> exercise done first. So get on a treadmill, and pick a speed that you think you can maintain for at least 30 minutes.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Let&#039;s do the second option.</h4> Ok. Most of the girls are wearing headphones, so your best bet is probably to go stand right in front of them and yell your name really loudly over and over again.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>That sounds like it would get me kicked out of the gym.</h4> Probably. But at least everyone would remember you.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>And I would get to go home and eat my Pop-Tart before Jeffrey takes it!</h4> Exactly.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>So there&#039;s no downside!</h4> Well, you won&#039;t get to start exercising. So these minor health issues that you&#039;re experiencing now will probably just compound and worsen over time, ultimately leading to some fairly debilitating diseases and a premature death.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>No downside at all! Well, this has been a very informative discussion. Thanks for all the help!</h4> Don&#039;t mention it. Seriously. I don&#039;t think I want my name attached to yours.<br />
</p>
<p><h4>At least let me give you a Pop-Tart.</h4> What kind?<br />
</p>
<p><h4>Strawberry.</h4> Fuck you.<br />
</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6608747http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6608747/death-by-dental-floss
Thu, 15 Sep 2011 03:04:47 -0400/post/6608747http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6608747/death-by-dental-floss
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<ol class="chat_transcript"><li><img id="edit-chat" src="/_jument/tinymce/skins/lightgray/img/icons/chat.png"></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>He&#039;s not gonna do it.</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>Oh, he&#039;ll do it. What did it say on the calendar?</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>I don&#039;t know.</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>Denial doesn&#039;t make things go away, gums. You&#039;re old enough to know that.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>No, I seriously don&#039;t know. I can&#039;t see, remember?</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>Oh, right. Eyes, what did it say?</p></li><li class="person_3 cfx"><strong><strong>Eyes</strong></strong><p>&quot;Dentist appointment, 3 PM.&quot; Also, &quot;Return <em>The Blind Side</em>.&quot;</p></li><li class="person_4 cfx"><strong><strong>Ears</strong></strong><p>Wait, why did we watch that again?</p></li><li class="person_5 cfx"><strong><strong>Brain</strong></strong><p>Shut up. It was touching.</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>Guys, I like our three-hour discussions about <em>The Blind Side</em> as much as the next body part, but now isn&#039;t the time. We&#039;ve got an appointment with the dentist in five hours, and what does he do every morning this happens?</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>&#133;</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>He tries to make up for six months of forgetting that gums are a part of his body in one morning, exactly. And what does that mean he&#039;s going to do?</p><li class="narrator cfx"><p><!-- readmore --></p><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>&#133;</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>It means he&#039;s going to&#151;</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>No! Don&#039;t say it!</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>Floss.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>NO! He wouldn&#039;t!</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>He&#039;s reaching for it right now.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>But it&#039;s just string! For the love of God, <em>it&#039;s just string</em>! How is rubbing it against me healthy? How?!</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>If he doesn&#039;t do it now, the dentist is going to scold him. And what happens then?</p></li><li class="person_5 cfx"><strong><strong>Brain</strong></strong><p>We&#039;re six-years-old again, and Mrs. Balt is chiding us for not washing our hands in front of the whole class, and Jessica Peterson is there, and we&#039;re so embarrassed we have to throw a rock at her during freeze tag.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>Ok, but still, I&#039;ll bet this time he&#039;s not going to do it. He&#039;s probably just picking up the floss to see how heavy it is and twirling it around his fingers to make them turn purple and OH <span class="caps">GOD</span> I&#039;M <span class="caps">BLEEDING</span>! HE&#039;S <span class="caps">ONLY</span> <span class="caps">DONE</span> <span class="caps">THE</span> <span class="caps">SPACE</span> IN <span class="caps">BETWEEN</span> <span class="caps">THE</span> <span class="caps">TWO</span> <span class="caps">FRONT</span> <span class="caps">TEETH</span> <span class="caps">AND</span> <span class="caps">THERE</span>&#039;S <span class="caps">ALREADY</span> SO <span class="caps">MUCH</span> <span class="caps">BLOOD</span>!</p></li><li class="person_4 cfx"><strong><strong>Ears</strong></strong><p>You know what the problem with that movie is? It doesn&#039;t challenge the audience enough.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p><span class="caps">WHY</span> DO I <span class="caps">DESERVE</span> <span class="caps">SUCH</span> <span class="caps">PAIN</span>?! <span class="caps">WHO</span> <span class="caps">DID</span> I <span class="caps">ANGER</span>?!</p></li><li class="person_6 cfx"><strong><strong>Penis</strong></strong><p>Do you think we&#039;ll have the hot dental hygienist this time? I feel like I haven&#039;t gotten hard at the dentist&#039;s office in <em>forever</em>.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p><span class="caps">ELI</span> <span class="caps">ELI</span> <span class="caps">LAMA</span> <span class="caps">SABACHTHANI</span>?! <span class="caps">ELI</span> <span class="caps">ELI</span> <span class="caps">LAMA</span> <span class="caps">SABACHTHANI</span>?!</p></li><li class="person_5 cfx"><strong><strong>Brain</strong></strong><p>Is that Aramaic? When did we learn Aramaic? I don&#039;t remember paying attention in World Religions.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p><span class="caps">AAAAAAAAAHHHH</span>!!!!!!!!!</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>Relax, gums. He&#039;s done.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>&#133;Ok&#133;ok. Ok. I think&#133;ok.</p></li><li class="person_3 cfx"><strong><strong>Eyes</strong></strong><p>Damn, this sink looks like a prop from <em>The Shining</em>.</p></li><li class="person_4 cfx"><strong><strong>Ears</strong></strong><p><em>The Shining</em>! Now <em>there&#039;s</em> a movie that wasn&#039;t afraid to challenge its audience!</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>Oh, man that was rough. But it&#039;s all over, right?</p></li><li class="person_2 cfx"><strong><strong>Teeth</strong></strong><p>Well, yeah, until five hours from now when we go to the dentist&#039;s office and the same thing happens, only with a sharp metal probe instead of string.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>Like I said, it&#039;s all over. Now, what&#039;s for breakfast?</p></li><li class="person_7 cfx"><strong><strong>Tongue</strong></strong><p>Cap&#039;n Crunch. We&#039;re out of milk, though.</p></li><li class="person_1 cfx"><strong><strong>Gums</strong></strong><p>Oh you&#039;ve got to be <em>fucking</em> kidding me.</p></li></ol></li></li>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6599562http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6599562/how-it-happened-the-necktie
Thu, 01 Sep 2011 03:29:19 -0400/post/6599562http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6599562/how-it-happened-the-necktie
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Rich Man 1</strong>: Ok then, it&#039;s settled. When we want to dress nicely, we&#039;ll wear white collared shirts.</p>
<p><strong>Rich Man 2</strong>: So everyone knows we&#039;re too classy to dirty our clothing.</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Right. Also, long pants.</p>
<p><strong>RM2</strong>: So no one will be able to see how embarrassingly skinny a life of leisure has made our legs.</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Exactly. And leather shoes.</p>
<p><strong>RM2</strong>: Because minorities can&#039;t afford leather shoes.</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Corr&#151;well, ok, let&#039;s try to work on that last reason a bit. I assume we&#039;re done here?</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: Wait, wait! We forgot about this!</p>
<p>(<em>He holds up a necktie</em>)</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Umm&#133;yes, &quot;this.&quot; Richard, if you&#039;re trying to kill yourself, we have some perfectly good rope in the barn.</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: What? No! This is going to be the last part of our nice outfit! You&#039;ll wear it around your neck!</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Around your neck?</p>
<p><!-- readmore --></p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: Precisely.</p>
<p><strong>RM2</strong>: And you&#039;re <em>not</em> trying to kill yourself?</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: No.</p>
<p><strong>RM2</strong>: Because it would be perfectly understandable if you were. We all know about the problems you&#039;ve been having at home.</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: Hey, <em>hey</em>! You leave Michelle out of this, ok? This has nothing to do with her or that boy from Hispaniola who keeps leaving prophylactics around our estate for reasons she assures me are perfectly innocent. It&#039;s merely the final article of clothing we need to complete our outfit.</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: But why?</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: Why? Seriously? Ok, check out how cool this looks!</p>
<p>(<em>He laboriously puts on the tie. It takes three attempts.</em>)</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong> (<em>panting</em>): See? Gorgeous.</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Ok, I&#039;m really not trying to belabor the suicide point here, but that thing does appear to be strangling you.</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: A little bit, yes. All part of the charm.</p>
<p><strong>RM2</strong>: The process also seemed a bit complicated. Do you have to tie that knot every time you put it on?</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: Of course! Well, either this one or a &quot;double Windsor.&quot;</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: What&#039;s a double Windsor?</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: I don&#039;t know. Nobody does.</p>
<p><strong>RM2</strong>: Gosh, Richard. This seems like an awful lot of work for just one garment.</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: That&#039;s the appeal! Fathers will teach the process to their sons! It will be a way for them to bond! Or just get frustrated and yell if the son looks a little too much like a certain 23-year-old from Hispaniola who certainly doesn&#039;t seem interested in supporting him financially, I don&#039;t know. The point is it looks great. And if you like this one&#133;</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: We don&#039;t, really. Have you not been listening?</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: Just imagine how much better it would look with some sort of licensed cartoon character on it! Or some piano keys! And imagine the look of joy on a father&#039;s face as he wakes up to see he got a brand new tie for Christmas! And his birthday! And Father&#039;s Day, assuming that becomes a holiday at some point!</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Look, Richard, we appreciate your ideas as always, but I&#039;m still not sure I see the point of this.</p>
<p><strong>Richard</strong>: You know it would be too expensive for minorities to afford, right?</p>
<p><strong>RM1</strong>: Well, I supposed we could give it a shot.</p>nonadultcomedy
]]>
/post/6577776http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6577776/book-story
Mon, 01 Aug 2011 19:12:19 -0400/post/6577776http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6577776/book-story
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: So, what do you think? Is he going to read us tonight?</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Well, let&#039;s see. It looks like the TV is still working, as is the Internet, so&#133;no. Absolutely not.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Oh, come on. Stop being so cynical. Didn&#039;t he take you to the coffee shop last weekend?</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Yeah, he sure did! And do you know what we did there? First, he made sure to prominently display my cover to the barista while he was ordering. Then he turned to page 348&#151;never mind that he hasn&#039;t read pages one through 347 yet&#151;and blankly stared at it until he decided that no attractive people were going to ask him about me today. Then we went home. And that was it.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Stop complaining. I once had to take a four-hour bus ride with this kid. He read me for five minutes and then put his iPod in and fell asleep. Fell asleep on <em>me</em>. <em>The New York Times</em> described me as one of the &quot;most ambitious novels in years,&quot; not &quot;a great pillow.&quot;</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Do you know what I heard him say the other day? His roommate was asking him about me, and he said, &quot;Maybe some day they&#039;ll make a movie out of it.&quot; Can you believe that? He thinks they&#039;ll make a movie out of <em>me</em>! Can you imagine <em>anyone</em> being able to pull that off?</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: What about Christopher Nolan?</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: &#133;ok, maybe. <em>Maybe</em> Christopher Nolan. But he&#039;s got other projects to worry about right now. Doesn&#039;t he?</p>
<p><!-- readmore --></p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: I think so.</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Right, of course he does, so it&#039;s totally ridiculous to think that he could apply the same staggering talents for storytelling and character development he displayed in <em>The Dark Knight</em> and <em>Inception</em> to make my labyrinthine plotting accessible to an entirely new audience. Not even worth thinking about, really.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Look, the kid&#039;s only 23. It&#039;s not like he&#039;s dying anytime soon. There&#039;s still a chance he could read us.</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Nope. Not gonna happen. He already memorized a few names of the years in here, so he can reference those and talk about how funny he thinks the concept of sponsored years is in conversation easily enough to make people think he&#039;s read me. And that&#039;s all he really needs to do.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Hey, I can get frustrated with him too, ok? A few months ago he opened up to one of my pages about erections, and it seemed like we were finally making a connection, but then I lost him once it got back to quantum mechanics. And that still hurts. But he&#039;s the one who bought us, so whether he needs us as reading material or just as props to radiate an aura of faux-intellectualism, we need to be there for him.</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Easy there, Woody. Last time I checked we weren&#039;t in a Pixar movie. We were in a 23-year-old paralegal&#039;s apartment.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: I&#039;m just saying, he did spend money on us, right? That shows some level of commitment. Maybe he&#039;ll feel obligated to give us a try eventually.</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: His last name is Dixon. Not Steinberg.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Whoa! Ok, now that was just inappropriate.</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: I know, I know, I&#039;m sorry. It&#039;s just&#133;I can only sit here and watch him spend hours on these websites put together by people who <em>haven&#039;t</em> received MacArthur Fellowships for so many nights, you know? Did he ever think that maybe I might have something more important to say to him than Shaq&#039;s Twitter?</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: To be fair, that account is pretty funny. Remember when he wrote that thing about the performance enhancing Frosted Flakes?</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Look, I don&#039;t want to make this into a contest about me vs. Shaq. I can&#039;t win that, obviously. My point is, he could really benefit by reading some dense postmodern tomes! I think he&#039;d be surprised at the number of similarities there are between his own life and Quebecois separatism.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Well, hey, check it out! He&#039;s walking over here right now! Maybe he&#039;s going to give us a try tonight after all!</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Please. He&#039;s getting a <em>Playboy</em>. Huh, maybe the Internet isn&#039;t working tonight after all.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: A <em>Playboy</em>? Did you know that there was a <em>Playboy</em> right underneath us?</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: If I knew that, would I be talking to you?</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Good point. Who&#039;s on the cover?</p>
<p><strong>Infinite Jest</strong>: Carmen Electra.</p>
<p><strong>Gravity&#039;s Rainbow</strong>: Ooh, nice. Hell, with that lying around I wouldn&#039;t read us either.</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6563186http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6563186/the-body-goes-to-sleep
Tue, 12 Jul 2011 12:15:40 -0400/post/6563186http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6563186/the-body-goes-to-sleep
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Ok people, it&#039;s getting late. I&#039;m shutting the systems down. Everyone ready?</p>
<p><strong>Legs</strong>: Sorry, not tired.</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Come on, legs. We&#039;ve got work in eight hours. How are you not tired?</p>
<p><strong>Legs</strong>: Maybe if <em>someone</em> had gone running today&#151;you know, like he said he was going to this morning&#151;I&#039;d be tired. But he didn&#039;t, so the most use I got was walking from the desk to the vending machine three times, so I&#039;m not tired.</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Look, legs, I&#039;m sorry. We&#039;ve had a lot going on lately; there just hasn&#039;t been that much time.</p>
<p><strong>Legs</strong>: Oh, right, there&#039;s been <em>so</em> much going on. The <em>Ace of Cakes</em> marathon, the <em>Law and Order</em> marathon, the <em>King of Queens</em> marathon&#133;Christ, you don&#039;t even <em>like</em> that last one! You spent the whole time making fun of Kevin James!</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Our roommates need to know how great we are at mocking pop culture! If you can think of a better way to do that, be my guest.</p>
<p><strong>Legs</strong>: You used to read books, brain.</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Look, if we get enough sleep tonight, we can go running tomorrow, ok? But for now, let&#039;s just go to bed.</p>
<p><strong>Eyes</strong>: Hey, why did we go to the vending machine three times today anyway?</p>
<p><strong>Mouth</strong>: We were looking for Bugles. Thought they might have restocked the supply sometime during the afternoon.</p>
<p><strong>Legs</strong>: Has that happened before? Has that <em>ever</em> happened? Even <em>once</em>?!</p>
<p><!-- readmore --></p>
<p><strong>Mouth</strong>: Hey, today might have been the day!</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Seriously, eyes? Why did you have to get them started?</p>
<p><strong>Eyes</strong>: Penis told me if I found a way to keep looking at the Scarlett Johansson poster instead of closing he would give me a dollar.</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Penis&#133;</p>
<p><strong>Penis</strong>: Too late. Already up. Not going back to sleep anytime soon. Let&#039;s invite a girl over.</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: It&#039;s 11:30. On a Tuesday.</p>
<p><strong>Penis</strong>: What, so prostitutes don&#039;t work on Tuesdays anymore?</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: <strong>sigh</strong> Hands, can you take care of this?</p>
<p><strong>Hands</strong>: Yeah, yeah, just gimme a second.</p>
<p>Legs: I&#039;m just saying, if it had <em>ever</em> happened before&#151;if the vending machine had <em>ever</em> gotten a second shipment of Bugles midday&#151;I could understand the multiple checks. But we&#039;ve been working there for three years! And it&#039;s <em>never</em> happened!</p>
<p><strong>Hands</strong>: All done.</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Wow, nice work! That was fast.</p>
<p><strong>Penis</strong>: No, <em>no</em> it wasn&#039;t. It took a perfectly&#133;normal amount of time&#133;average is actually just like&#133;like three&#133;minutes&#133;zzz&#133;</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Ok, so we&#039;re good now, right? </p>
<p><strong>Ears</strong>: Wait, can we put some soothing sounds on first? Like babbling brook? Or Justin Bieber?</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Come on, ears. You know what babbling brook makes the little guy have to do. And I&#039;m really tired of having so many Bieber dreams.</p>
<p><strong>Penis</strong>: &#133;zzz&#133;not little&#133;perfectly normal sized&#133;zzz&#133;</p>
<p><strong>Ears</strong>: But it helps me! Right now all I can hear is our roommates, and they&#039;re still watching <em>King of Queens</em>!</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: More like <em>King of Cuisine</em>, right? Because Kevin James is so fat? Oh man, I have <em>got</em> to remember that one for the next marathon!</p>
<p><strong>Ears</strong>: Can you just put some soothing sounds on?</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Fine. Hands, be ready to write that &#039;cuisine&#039; comment down first thing in the morning before we forget.</p>
<p>(<em>The body gently drifts off into sleep</em>)</p>
<p><strong>Justin Bieber</strong>: Sup, guy? You ready to win the Stanley Cup?</p>
<p><strong>Brain</strong>: Damn it&#133;</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6334735http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6334735/elementary-school-mafia
Sat, 06 Nov 2010 20:32:38 -0400/post/6334735http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6334735/elementary-school-mafia
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: Donny, I hate to bother you like this, but we&rsquo;ve got a problem.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: (<em>puts down his book</em>) This better be important, Jimmy. I was just about to find out what happened to the pig who built his house out of sticks.</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: It is, Donny. Apparently some kid&rsquo;s been moving in on our turf. I just caught Adam about to leave school early with a fake doctor&rsquo;s note that definitely didn&rsquo;t come from us. Plus, earlier in the day I saw some first grader using a fake ID to stay outside for third grade recess, and that didn&rsquo;t come from us, either.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: How do you know they weren&rsquo;t ours?</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: All the words were spelled correctly. And none of the z&rsquo;s looked like twos. And they worked.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: Oh man, this guy must be good. What can you tell me about him?</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: Not much, unfortunately. I had to play nice with the first grader because Mr. Johansson was on recess duty, and I didn&rsquo;t want to be around Adam for too long since he&rsquo;s apparently got mad cow disease. All I found out is that this guy uses a lot of different names to keep the authorities guessing: Will, Bill, Willie, William. But most people only know him as&hellip;Billy.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: Wow, intelligent <em>and</em> deceitful. Are you sure this kid isn&rsquo;t some poacher from the middle school?</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: Yeah, I&rsquo;m sure. His operation is supposedly based on the playground, and the last middle school kid to try that wound up bound and gagged wearing a pair of cement shoes at the bottom of the lake.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: &hellip;Really? I thought he just got detention.</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: Right, detention, that&rsquo;s what I meant.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: Ok, so this Billy kid goes to our school and works out of the playground. Do you know where on the playground?</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: Well, I&hellip;I didn&rsquo;t really want to tell you this, but I&rsquo;ve heard his main hideout is in the jungle gym.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: What?! But that jungle gym has been in my family name for years! I called dibs on it when I was in kindergarten; my older brother called dibs on it when he was in kindergarten; and&hellip;well, that&rsquo;s it, actually, but rest assured that if I had any other older brothers, they would have called dibs on it when they were in kindergarten, too! Billy is going down!</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: But how? We don&rsquo;t even really know who he is!</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: Don&rsquo;t worry. I saw this a movie about this once, so I think I know exactly what to do. We&rsquo;ll just go around to every Billy at the school and make them all offers they can&rsquo;t refuse. Heh heh heh&hellip;</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: Yeah, heh heh heh. What are the offers going to be?</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: What?</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: The offers they can&rsquo;t refuse? What are you going to offer them?</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: Umm&hellip;I&rsquo;m not sure. My dad came home right after the fat man said that and told me I wasn&rsquo;t old enough to watch this, so I never got to see what happened. But, ok, I guess we could&hellip;umm&hellip;geez, I don&rsquo;t know. Hey, this game isn&rsquo;t fun anymore, do you want to go back to playing Grand Theft Auto?</p><p><strong>Jimmy</strong>: Totally.</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: Awesome. I&rsquo;ll meet you at the Xbox in five minutes.</p><p>(<em>Jimmy leaves; Donny picks his book back up</em>)</p><p><strong>Donny</strong>: Well I&rsquo;ll be damned, that one fell down, too&hellip;</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6256626http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6256626/the-body-wakes-up
Tue, 10 Aug 2010 02:27:35 -0400/post/6256626http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6256626/the-body-wakes-up
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Ears</strong>: Ok, everyone, that&rsquo;s the alarm. Time to get up.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: &hellip;urg.</p><p><strong>Ears</strong>: Oh, shut up brain. What are you complaining about? I&rsquo;m the one who has to listen to freakin&rsquo; Michael Bublé first thing every morning.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: &hellip;blurg.</p><p><strong>Ears</strong>: I swear, if it gets to the chorus and I&rsquo;m the only one awake for it again, you&rsquo;re all going to have an ear infection to deal with in about three days.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Ok, ok, I&rsquo;m up. Look, sorry about Michael Bublé. He just really likes &ldquo;Haven&rsquo;t Met You Yet,&rdquo; and this is the only time he can listen to it without anyone else knowing.</p><p><strong>Penis</strong>: But what if some girl sleeps over?</p><p><strong>Stomach</strong>: Seriously? Have you seen me lately?</p><p><strong>Penis</strong>: <strong style="text-align:left;">em&gt;Sigh</em></strong> Yeah, I have&hellip;damn it.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Come on, guys, figuring out how to get someone to spend the night here is a problem for four in the morning, not seven in the morning. Let&rsquo;s focus on getting the eyes open right now.</p><p><strong>Eyes</strong>: No.</p><p><strong>Ears</strong>: Come <em>on</em>, eyes, we&rsquo;re almost at the second verse already. Let&rsquo;s get going.</p><p><strong>Eyes</strong>: It&rsquo;s still dark out. It&rsquo;s illegal to be awake when it&rsquo;s still dark out.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Eyes, we go through this every morning. You only think it&rsquo;s still dark out because you&rsquo;re closed. If you just open, you&rsquo;ll realize the sun&rsquo;s up.</p><p><strong>Eyes</strong>: &hellip;No. I&rsquo;m pretty sure you&rsquo;re lying this time.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: OH MY <span class="caps">GOD</span> IT&rsquo;S A <span class="caps">HOT</span> <span class="caps">GIRL</span>! <span class="caps">HOT</span> <span class="caps">GIRL</span> IN <span class="caps">THE</span> <span class="caps">ROOM</span> <span class="caps">RIGHT</span> <span class="caps">NOW</span>! <!-- readmore --></p><p><strong>Eyes</strong>: (<em>fly open</em>) What! Where?!</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Over there, on the Jessica Alba poster.</p><p><strong>Penis</strong>: You are a cruel, cruel organ.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Ok, next step: get out of the bed. You ready, legs?</p><p><strong>Legs</strong>: Are you kidding? That floor is going to be colder than the icy hearts of people who don&rsquo;t enjoy the smooth rhythms of Michael Bublé. Wake me up when we can afford carpeting.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Aha! You see, we&rsquo;re not going to be able to afford carpeting unless we go to work, therefore we need to&hellip;umm&hellip;use the floor to&hellip;no, wait&hellip;we need to&hellip;ugh, I think it might be too early for logic.</p><p><strong>Hands</strong>: You know when it won&rsquo;t be too early for logic? Five minutes from now.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: That&rsquo;s true! I&rsquo;m sure in five minutes I&rsquo;ll be able to think at full capacity.</p><p><strong>Legs</strong>: The floor will definitely be nice and warm by then, too.</p><p><strong>Eyes</strong>: And it will be bright enough to get me open without resorting to dirty tricks.</p><p><strong>Penis</strong>: And there&rsquo;s a chance a real hot girl will be in the room instead of just a poster of one!</p><p><strong>Ears</strong>: No! Hands, please, do <span class="caps">NOT</span> hit the snooze alarm. I can&rsquo;t handle &ldquo;Haven&rsquo;t Met You Yet&rdquo; twice in one morning.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Relax, ears. The song is about to end. You won&rsquo;t have to listen to it again.</p><p><strong>Ears</strong>: Phew. So what&rsquo;s next on the playlist?</p><p><strong>Eyes</strong>: &ldquo;California Gurls.&rdquo;</p><p><strong>Ears</strong>: &hellip;You are a cruel, cruel organ.</p><p><strong>Brain</strong>: Ok, but if he secretly likes the song&hellip;then you should&hellip;umm, then you should also&hellip;like&hellip;urg. Hands, you know what to do.</p><p><strong>Hands</strong>: I&rsquo;m on it. See everyone in five minutes.</p><p><strong>Penis</strong>: And eyes, let&rsquo;s make sure this time we fall asleep looking at just the Jessica Alba poster instead of the Jessica Alba one and the Muppets one, ok? Those dreams made me way too uncomfortable.</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6250471http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6250471/how-the-south-could-have-kept-its-slaves
Mon, 02 Aug 2010 17:08:26 -0400/post/6250471http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6250471/how-the-south-could-have-kept-its-slaves
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Ulysses S. Grant</strong>: Now, Robert, do you know why I&rsquo;m here?</p><p><strong>Robert E. Lee</strong>: Not really. I&rsquo;m assuming you ran out of whiskey again.</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: No. Well, maybe, but my wife usually hides it in the same place, so I think I know where it is. We&rsquo;re just a little worried up north that you guys aren&rsquo;t really taking the country&rsquo;s new laws to heart.</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Which ones?</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Our main concern is that you&rsquo;re not following the one abolishing slavery.</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: What? Why on earth would you be concerned about that?</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Well, there are a lot of black people working on your plantation right now, and they say you haven&rsquo;t been paying them anything.</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Oh, them? They&rsquo;re just my unpaid interns.</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Your what?</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: My unpaid interns! They&rsquo;re here for the summer to learn more about what it&rsquo;s really like to work in the field of professional plantation maintenance.</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Ok&hellip;but they do work for you?</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Yes.</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: And you don&rsquo;t pay them?</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: I do not.</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: And that isn&rsquo;t slavery because&hellip;</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Because of all the valuable experience they gain! Honestly, can you really put a price on experience?</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Well, yeah, I think so. Isn&rsquo;t that what the war was about?</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: No, <em>no</em>, it was about states&rsquo; rights. Also, do you have any idea how much of an advantage my interns are going to have when they do try to get paying jobs? The market is more competitive than ever these days, and being able to put &ldquo;Internship at Robert E. Lee&rsquo;s plantation&rdquo; on your resume is worth infinitely more than some measly paycheck. I mean, not literally, because you can&rsquo;t use it to, you know, <em>buy</em> anything, but metaphorically speaking the value is much higher.</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: I see. And the sla&mdash;excuse me, the unpaid interns are all ok with this? <!-- readmore --></p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Ok with it? Hell, they&rsquo;re practically begging me for these things! I had 500 applicants for 20 spots this year!</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Wait, they had to apply for this? As in, being willing to work for free wasn&rsquo;t enough of a qualification to guarantee them an opportunity to work for free?</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Of course not! We have to make sure we&rsquo;re only getting the best of the best, especially for a plantation as famous as mine. We generally like to see that they&rsquo;ve interned for at least one other smaller plantation before they get a chance to intern here. Unless I know their father, in which case I&rsquo;ll usually give them an internship in exchange for them not revealing that he&rsquo;s white.</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Ok, yeah, that last part makes sense, but&mdash;</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: To be honest, I&rsquo;m not even sure how many of these guys are really that interested in professional plantation work. I think a lot of them just wanted an excuse not to live at home this summer. Let&rsquo;s face it, the chances of getting laid at Lee&rsquo;s place are a lot higher than they are in the small towns they usually come from!</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Be that as it may, Rob, I really don&rsquo;t think experience and a slightly better chance of having sex are adequate compensation for the work these&hellip;&rdquo;interns&rdquo; do. Can&rsquo;t you give them at least something of tangible value?</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Well, we were planning on handing out complimentary gift baskets once the internships end. Coffee mugs, baseball hats, some funny t-shirts those smelly kids down in colonial Williamsburg like so much, maybe even a beach towel!</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: Getting there&hellip;</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Ok, ok. How about we make sure the internship is educational? That way they can receive credit for it at their university, provided they submit a hastily written essay to their school once they finish here that&rsquo;s supposed to describe what they learned but is basically just an exercise in how many different ways they can come up with to use the words &ldquo;valuable,&rdquo; &ldquo;experience,&rdquo; and &ldquo;valuable experience.&rdquo;</p><p><strong>Grant</strong>: You know, that just might work! After all, education is the most valuable experience there is. By George, Lee, it looks like you&rsquo;ve done it again! Now all that&rsquo;s left to do is start letting black people go to school!</p><p><strong>Lee</strong>: Not a chance in hell.</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6222296http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6222296/the-problem-with-posters
Thu, 15 Jul 2010 14:04:01 -0400/post/6222296http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6222296/the-problem-with-posters
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Poster</strong>: Hey, <span class="caps">HEY</span>! Ouch! What do you think you&rsquo;re doing?</p><p><strong>You</strong>: <strong style="text-align:left;">em&gt;sigh</em></strong> Listen, poster, I&rsquo;m really sorry, but I&rsquo;m going to have to take you down.</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: Take me down? What the hell do you mean, &ldquo;take me down?&rdquo; Do you not like Weezer anymore?</p><p><strong>You</strong>: No! Well, kind of, but that&rsquo;s not the point. Look, it&rsquo;s nothing personal. I&rsquo;m just a few years out of college now, so I think I&rsquo;ve gotten a little too old for posters. It&rsquo;s about time I did some growing up, you know?</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: Oh, growing up, right. This from the guy who still watches &ldquo;Animaniacs&rdquo; three nights a week.</p><p><strong>You</strong>: Hey, that show contains plenty of references meant for an adult audience! Look, I understand why you&rsquo;re angry about this, but my mind is made up.</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: So that&rsquo;s it, huh? The time I covered up the hole you punched after losing beer pong so you could still pass room inspection? The entire <em>year</em> I spent hiding that disgusting stain of fused Chef Boyardee and Silly Putty from your girlfriend? I still have flashbacks about that, by the way! But I guess Mr. Maturity here doesn&rsquo;t care about those things anymore. Well, get ready to have some paint torn off of this wall because I am not going down without a fight!</p><p><strong>Painting</strong>: Let him tear zee paint down, mon amour. I will cover it up with zee greatest of ease.</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: And just who the hell is this?</p><p><strong>Painting</strong>: My name is L&rsquo;Atelier Rouge. I am a magnificent work by zee great Henri Matisse. But I would not expect a simple unframed poster of a middling American alternative rock band to know who zat is.</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: You&rsquo;re trying to grow up by replacing me with <em>him</em>? Are you kidding? You dropped art history after one class because you said it was &ldquo;too gay!&rdquo; Hell, you have seven Toby Keith albums!</p><p><strong>Painting</strong>: Sacréblue! Is zis true?</p><p><strong>You</strong>: No! Well, kind of. One is just a single.</p><p><strong>Painting</strong>: But I heard you tell zee sales clerk you had a passionate love for French art and culture! How can you reconcile such passions with zee inane rhymes of a boorish country singer?</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: Don&rsquo;t forget, he also said art was gay.</p><p><strong>Painting</strong>: Zat is not as important.</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: Ok, well let me see if I can help you out. I&rsquo;m guessing this sales clerk was a 5&rsquo;4&rdquo; 120-pound brunette with green eyes and a low-cut shirt whose number he got after making up a story involving backpacking through Europe and kittens.</p><p><strong>Painting</strong>: &hellip;correct. How did you do zat? <!-- readmore --></p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: You get to know a guy&rsquo;s tastes pretty well after spending four years in his dorm room watching him download porn. Look, he&rsquo;s just using you to try and get laid. The only thing he cares about that&rsquo;s French comes with a side of ketchup, and he didn&rsquo;t even stop calling those &ldquo;Freedom Fries&rdquo; until 2005.</p><p><strong>Painting</strong>: Well, I shall never disgrace my country by allowing myself to be placed upon zee wall of such a hypocrite! Au revoir, monsieur!</p><p>(<em>L&rsquo;Atelier Rouge storms out, putting an end to the hurtful stereotype that paintings can&rsquo;t walk</em>)</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: Ha! Looks like you&rsquo;re stuck with me.</p><p><strong>You</strong>: Alright, alright, fine. But I&rsquo;m still taking down &ldquo;Change we can believe in.&rdquo;</p><p><strong>Poster</strong>: Finally. That one&rsquo;s embarrassingly dated.</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6194829http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6194829/how-i-assume-elena-kagans-confirmation-hearings-are-going
Wed, 30 Jun 2010 17:48:58 -0400/post/6194829http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6194829/how-i-assume-elena-kagans-confirmation-hearings-are-going
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p><strong>Patrick Leahy</strong>: Hello everyone, and welcome to the confirmation hearings for Solicitor General Elena Kagan. I&rsquo;m sure you&rsquo;ll all agree with me when I say I look forward to getting this done in a very efficient, dignified and maybe even entertaining fashion.</p><p>(<em>Senators, Kagan, reporters, custodial staff all break out in hysterical laughter</em>)</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Oh man, that one never gets old. But hey, C-Span&rsquo;s gotta put something on the air, so we might as well get ready to skirt around Roe v. Wade for days and days and days. Senator Hatch, you have the floor.</p><p><strong>Orrin Hatch</strong>: Thank you, Senator Leahy. Let me just make sure everything is in order here.</p><p>(<em>Shuffles papers, props up seminude picture of Jessica Alba</em>)</p><p><strong>Hatch</strong>: Fellow senators, Miss Kagan, C-Span cameramen, bloggers, our lovable janitor Scraggles, those of you lonely enough to be watching this at home&mdash;</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Beg your pardon, Orrin. What&rsquo;s the deal with that picture?</p><p><strong>Scraggles</strong>: Also, my name is Joe.</p><p><strong>Hatch</strong>: Shut up, Scraggles. Oh, this old thing? It&rsquo;s my good luck charm. I&rsquo;ve used it at every confirmation hearing I&rsquo;ve ever participated in. Of course, if Miss Kagan is distracted by it for some perfectly understandable and moral reason, I&rsquo;d be happy to take it down. Miss Kagan, how do you feel about this?</p><p><strong>Elena Kagan</strong>: Well, I&mdash;</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Orrin, just take it down.</p><p><strong>Hatch</strong> (<em>whispering</em>): C&rsquo;mon, Pat, don&rsquo;t you see what I&rsquo;m doing? We can figure out if that&hellip;&rdquo;rumor&rdquo; about her is true this way!</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: If you can tell me who that&rsquo;s a picture of, you can keep it up.</p><p><strong>Hatch</strong>: &hellip;Marie Osmond?</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: That&rsquo;s what I thought. Senator Feingold, why don&rsquo;t we just skip ahead to you?</p><p><strong>Russ Feingold</strong>: Thank you. Miss Kagan, you&rsquo;re well known for your high intelligence, your respect for the Constitution, your fervent patriotism, your impeccable wit, your compassion for all living creatures, your willingness to take compliments graciously, the time you shared your sandwich with that homeless man on the streets of Boston&mdash;</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Excuse me, Senator, do you have a question for Miss Kagan?</p><p><strong>Feingold</strong>: I do not.</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Very well, then. Let&rsquo;s give the floor to Sena&mdash;</p><p><strong>Joe Biden</strong>: Hey, guys! How&rsquo;s everything going in here? Need any help? I used to chair this committee, you know.</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Yes, Mr. Vice President, we know that. You&rsquo;ve told us. Several times. We&rsquo;re fine, though, thank you.</p><p><strong>Biden</strong>: Like, one thing you want to make sure to do is use the word &ldquo;and&rdquo; as often as possible in your questions. Oh man, that saved me from losing the camera <em>so</em> many times back in the day.</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Thank you, Mr. Vice President. We&rsquo;ll keep that in mind. Now, don&rsquo;t you have some elderly white people to go calm down?</p><p><strong>Biden</strong>: Yeah, I should probably get back to that. Well, give me a call if you need any help! Tony Hayward&rsquo;s been hogging all the gaffes lately, so I&rsquo;ve got <em>loads</em> of free time these days.</p><p>(<em>Biden trips, leaves</em>)</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: I honestly can&rsquo;t figure out how he keeps getting past security. Senator Grassley, you have the floor.</p><p><strong>Chuck Grassley</strong>: Thank you, Senator Leahy. Miss Kagan, let&rsquo;s say a woman is conducting a train carrying thousands of dollars worth of campaign contributions from Cincinnati to Philadelphia. If this money is from the <span class="caps">NRA</span>, and if none of the names of the individual donors have been disclosed, and if the train leaves Cincinnati at 12:30 PM going 45 miles per hour, and if this conductor discovers at 1:30 PM that there is someone currently serving in the Senate named &ldquo;Saxby,&rdquo; would you support letting her get an abortion?</p><p><strong>Kagan</strong>: Well, I&mdash;</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Miss Kagan, &ldquo;Two and a Half Men&rdquo; starts in 10 minutes.</p><p><strong>Kagan</strong>: Maybe.</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Thank you. We&rsquo;ll adjourn for the day and resume tomorrow with Senator Coburn.</p><p><strong>Tom Coburn</strong>: Excellent. Let me just get my things set up now.</p><p>(<em>Shuffles papers, props up seminude picture of Megan Fox</em>)</p><p><strong>Leahy</strong>: Oh, come on&hellip;</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/6184709http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6184709/disney-world-then-and-now
Mon, 21 Jun 2010 04:14:27 -0400/post/6184709http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6184709/disney-world-then-and-now
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<table border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0"><tbody><tr align="center" valign="middle"><td width="148" valign="top"><p><strong> Activity</strong></p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p><strong>Age 7</strong></p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p><strong>Age 17</strong></p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Hours of sleep the night before</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>1.5</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>15</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Reaction upon seeing employees dressed as Disney characters</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Delight</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Pity</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>What if it&rsquo;s Jasmine?</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Still delight</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Lust, quickly followed by guilt</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>What you&rsquo;re most likely to ask the concierge</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>So what&rsquo;s Mickey really like? You know, off the set.</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>So do I have to go to Miami to get drugs, or can I find some here?</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Number of times you bring up subliminal sex messages in Disney films</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>What does &ldquo;subliminal&rdquo; mean?</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Hundreds</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Reaction after riding the Tower of Terror</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Fear</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Dude, I was <em>not</em> screaming, ok? You were probably just hearing the girl behind me.</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Upon seeing a three-hour line full of screaming children, you decide to&hellip;</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Scream until you&rsquo;re allowed to get in line with them</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Wear two condoms until you turn 40</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Most commonly uttered phrase</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Hurry <em>up</em>! The Magic Kingdom closes in five hours!</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Can we <em>please</em> go back to the hotel? &ldquo;The Hills&rdquo; starts in five hours.</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Most typical souvenir</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Anything featuring 3 or more licensed Disney characters</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Anything you can turn into a bong once you get back home</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Desire to visit Epcot</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Nonexistent</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Nonexistent</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Number of times you masturbated</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Zero</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Zero</p></td></tr><tr><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>C&rsquo;mon, man. Be honest.</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Zero</p></td><td align="center" valign="middle"><p>Ok, once. But only because &ldquo;Aladdin&rdquo; was on.</p></td></tr></tbody></table>nonadultcomedy
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