Monday, February 11, 2008

Bring Me the Head of Anthony Wiggle

First off, let me say that I have two beautiful children who are whip-smart little people who I love with all my being. That said, I can't say that I share their taste in television programming. As a matter of fact, some of the stuff they watch makes me crazy.

So crazy that I have created my own Nixonian "enemies list" of my most despised children's TV personalities.

1. Veggie TalesOr, as I likes to call 'em, "Religetables." It's not the message I don't like, because lessons about sharing, caring, et al., are not inherently bad. The thing about these computer-animated Christian kiddie faves that I cannot stand are their awful high-pitched character voices and the bloody obnoxious songs they sing.

Torture.

I find myself making up alternate, obscene lyrics to their various ditties ("Sodomy/Lobotomy/Gotta be/Veggie Tales!") and daydreaming about putting Larry the Cucumber and Junior Asparagus into a giant Cuisinart.

Is that evil?

2. The Wiggles

The Wiggles are an entertainment juggernaut, four aging rockers wearing primary colors who sing insidiously catchy tunes about eating fruit salad and driving around in their big red car that are very captivating to the 1 to 4 year old demographic, but which contain absolutely no educational value. And which are maddening to adults. Heading the enemies list from Team Wiggles are Anthony, the Blue Wiggle, and the grating, excruciating Captain Feathersword, whose labored comedy bits are painful to behold, and whose singing voice could cause bleeding of the ears. Anthony I despise for his unmitigated greed, for keeping the money train rolling after their lead singer retired due to health issues.

3. Mickey Mouse

A greedy, megalomaniacal corporate whore. Not funny, either.

4. The DoodlebopsEven though Dee Dee Doodle is hot in a strange girl-next-door kinda way (if the girl next door has a pink hair helmet and huge hands, that is), this Canadian-made kids show is beneath contempt. Demonstrating no redeeming social value, and no educational value, watching The Doodlebops actually makes your kids less intelligent.

Bus driver Bob is filthy.

5. Barney

Evil purple prick who makes the list despite the fact that I try to never let my children be exposed to him and his coterie of creepy kids.