There was never any question as to which was the fanciest of the Joker's henchmen.

FADE IN:
EXT. GRAVEYARD
A RANDOM WOMAN visits the grave of some WRITER.
RANDOM WOMAN
(no lines)
INT. OFFICE, 1985
TOM WILKINSON is that WRITER.
TOM WILKINSON
(demeanor: gruff)
Once upon a time I was Jude Law and I
stayed at a hotel. NEXT.
INT. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, 1968
JUDE LAW is staying at THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, which is owned by F.
MURRAY ABRAHAM and is not in BUDAPEST.
JUDE LAW
(demeanor: curious)
So what exactly was the point of the outer
two layers of this nested story? Aside
from this movie’s obsession with giving
famous actors microscopic roles.
JASON SCHWARTZMAN
Hello!
(leaves)
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
(demeanor: nostalgic)
Well without those layers we’d just have
one guy telling another guy a story in
flashback, and what’s whimsical and
quirky about that?
(grabs random passerby)
Hey! Look how whimsical and quirky we
are!
(puts on silly hat)
JUDE LAW
Fine then, tell me about how you came to
own this hotel.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Very well. It all started back when I was
a scrawny kid of noticeably different
ethnicity called Tony Revolori.
INT. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, 1932
TONY REVOLORI is the new LOBBY BOY at the HOTEL back when it was a GIANT
NOVELTY CAKE.
RALPH FIENNES
(demeanor: dapper)
Hello Tony, I am the concierge. You’ll
find that I’m legendarily brilliant at
what I do, although you’ll also have to
put up with my inexplicable penchant for
having sex with all our elderly female
clientele.
TONY REVOLORI
Like The Zohan?
RALPH FIENNES
I was hoping nobody would pick up on that,
but yes. Now as you’re new here, I
shall teach you the ways of being a
character in a Wes Anderson movie. You
basically need to choose a single
character trait, then paste on a
corresponding facial expression for the
remainder of the movie and you’re pretty
much set. Try and pick something that’s
somehow both comically over-the-top yet at
the same time nigh-catatonically
understated.
TONY REVOLORI
Maybe I should go with something that
makes F. Murray Abraham and me seem more
like we’re the same guy? Like he’s
constantly smiling, maybe I should smile
even once in this entire movie.
RALPH FIENNES
God no, F. Murray and I already smile more
in this movie than everybody in Wes’s
back catalogue combined. Tell you what,
why don’t you go with “bootlick”.
That’ll work nicely for me, and you
could conceivably pull it off without
having any facial expressions at all.
TONY REVOLORI
(demeanor: bootlick)
Very well, sir.
RALPH trains TONY for a while. One day RALPH is shocked by an item in
the NEWSPAPER.
RALPH FIENNES
Oh no, Tilda Swinton died! She was one of
my favorite dessicated old pieces of ass!
TONY REVOLORI
Wait, why did we put an impenetrable mass
of makeup on Tilda Swinton to make her a
little old lady for three minutes of
screentime? Couldn’t we have just, I
don’t know, hired an actual little old
lady?
RALPH FIENNES
Theoretically yes, but Tilda was in
Moonrise Kingdom and Wes has a massive
hardon for recycling former cast members.
OWEN WILSON
Hello!
(leaves)
RALPH FIENNES
To the funeral I must go! ...With the
hotel’s new lobby boy, for some reason!
INT. TRAIN
RALPH and TONY (for some reason) are traveling to TILDA’S FUNERAL when
the train is STOPPED by a bunch of SOLDIERS who want to seize TONY.
RALPH FIENNES
I take it from your pseudo-swastikas that
you guys are some kind of off-brand Nazis,
out to get Tony because of his
non-whiteness? For shame! Genocide Is
Bad!
(pause)
I mean, except when you’re exterminating
muggle-borns and blood traitors, of
course. That’s just good sense.
But then INSPECTOR EDWARD NORTON steps in.
EDWARD NORTON
(demeanor: goody two-shoes)
Don’t worry guys, although I’m a
sternly efficient authority figure on the
surface, deep down I’m really an almost
naively good-natured fellow.
DIRECTOR WES ANDERSON
Psst, Ed, we stopped filming Moonrise
Kingdom ages ago. You’re supposed to be
a new character now.
EDWARD NORTON
I’m not starting over.
EDWARD helps RALPH and TONY on their way, and they make it safely to the
FUNERAL.
INT. DEAD OLD LADY MANSION
RALPH and TONY show up to the immediate displeasure of TILDA’S SON
ADRIEN BRODY.
ADRIEN BRODY
(demeanor: asshole)
Fuck you, Ralph! I hate you for fucking
my dead mother, even more than I hated my
dead fucking mother! Which is about as
much as I hate just about every
motherfucking person and thing on the
planet! GRLARGH!!
(pause)
Just so we’re clear, I’m the bad guy,
okay? We’re trying very hard to get
people to understand this immediately.
RALPH FIENNES
Yes Adrien, you don’t have to work so
hard at being unpleasant, we figured it
out as soon as we saw that you were one
top hat short of cosplaying Snidely
Whiplash. And that you have an
honest-to-God henchman.
WILLEM DAFOE
(demeanor: psychotic)
HSSSSS.
ADRIEN BRODY
Good, so you’ve probably all gotten way
ahead of us and already realized that I
murdered my mother for her money. Not
sure why I didn’t just wait like another
week or so for the prehistoric old bat to
pop off of her own accord, but there you
go.
The WILL is read by EXECUTOR OF TILDA’S ESTATE JEFF GOLDBLUM, who
announces that TILDA has left RALPH an extremely valuable painting.
RALPH FIENNES
Heavens, Adrien won’t like that. Better
steal the ugly old thing before he can
stop me!
RALPH and TONY go and STEAL THE PAINTING. They run into TILDA’S
BUTLER MATHIEU AMALRIC.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
(demeanor: panicky)
Ah, let me wrap that painting for you.
And while I’m at it I’ll slip a
plot-important document into the back of
the painting, meaning if anything happens
to me there's a good chance it'll be lost
sitting against a wall for the next fifty
years or so.
RALPH FIENNES
Couldn’t you let me know it’s there,
just to be safe? Or hell, couldn’t you
just hand it to me like you originally
planned to do?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
I’m trying to be clandestine here!
RALPH FIENNES
Oh sure, got to be careful and secretive
whilst openly helping me steal a
million-dollar painting.
INT. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
Later, EDWARD shows up at the HOTEL to arrest RALPH.
EDWARD NORTON
Monsieur Fiennes, you’re under arrest
for the murder of Tilda Swinton.
RALPH FIENNES
Oh no! What rotten luck that my alibi for
that time is not being around hundreds of
hotel staff and guests, like almost every
waking second of my life, but instead at a
secret romantic assignation that I can't
prove and Adrien couldn’t have possibly
known about.
EDWARD NORTON
Indeed. Now as our entire case is based
on a single eyewitness who we can’t
currently locate, you’ll probably go
free after your trial, so don’t do
anything rash like making a life-risking
flight from prison in the meantime, hm?
RALPH FIENNES
(distracted by passing butterfly)
INT. PRISON
RALPH is being held in a prison which also contains HARVEY KEITEL.
HARVEY KEITEL
(demeanor: tough sumbitch)
Ralph, me and my cronies were planning to
carry out the best movie jailbreak of
2014. But we couldn’t get hold of
Rocket or Quicksilver, so we’ll have to
settle for you and hope to run a distant
third.
RALPH FIENNES
Well now, the comic possibilities here are
endless! Imagine how well the skills of a
gifted hotel concierge could transfer to
the execution of a smooth prison break!
HARVEY KEITEL
Or your lobby boy could send you tools
baked into a cake like a fucking cartoon.
RALPH FIENNES
Well, “like a cartoon” is what we’re
generally going for, so why not.
TONY gets his UNDERDEVELOPED BAKER FIANCEE SAOIRSE RONAN to bake some
TOOLS into a bunch of FANCY PASTRIES, which are then sent as a PACKAGE
to RALPH’S PRISON.
PACKAGE SEARCHER GUY
Hmm, my job requires me to take these
weirdly tool-shaped pastries apart to
check for contraband, but I can’t do it
because SO PRETTY. I guess I could always
just pick them up and see if they’re
suspiciously heavy, but whoops, brain fell
out!
(lets pastries through)
RALPH, HARVEY and HARVEY’S BUDDIES use the TOOLS to ESCAPE. RALPH
meets up with TONY.
RALPH FIENNES
I did it! I got out of prison, setting
loose a whole gang of murderous criminals
in the process! And we only had to murder
like five innocent guards.
TONY REVOLORI
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
INT. JEFF GOLDBLUM’S, UH, OFFICE
JEFF is talking with ADRIEN and WILLEM. Also ADRIEN’S SISTERS are
there, mattering as much as they usually do, which is not at all.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
(demeanor: anal retentive)
So I’ve come across a lot of evidence
that there’s some important document of
Tilda’s that I’m missing. I was
thinking I should tell the magistrate.
ADRIEN BRODY
Tell him that there’s some piece of
paper that you don’t know what it is or
if it’s important but you’re pretty
sure it existed at some point? It’s
hard to imagine that having any impact on
anything, but nonetheless, DO THAT AND
I’LL KILL YOU!
WILLEM throws JEFF’S CAT OUT THE WINDOW out of SPITE.
JEFF GOLDBLUM
Oh no, my cat was randomly killed! Just
like the dog that got randomly ran over in
The Royal Tenenbaums! And the dog that
got randomly shot with an arrow in
Moonrise Kingdom! And the rat that got a
knife in its gut in Fantastic Mr. Fox!
...Man, what has Wes Anderson got against
small fluffy animals?
WILLEM then CHASES JEFF ACROSS TOWN, chops his FINGERS OFF and
MURDERIZES HIM.
WILLEM DAFOE
Now to go question Mathieu’s sister to
discover his whereabouts. And by
“question” I mean “brutally
decapitate”.
DIRECTOR WES ANDERSON
But, in a whimsical and quirky way, right?
WILLEM DAFOE
Not really.
DIRECTOR WES ANDERSON
Man, this is the last time I borrow a
character from Eli Roth.
EXT. RANDOM SNOWY WASTELAND
RALPH FIENNES
So for our next move, we’ll need the
help of a secret society of hotel
concierges, played by Bill Murray, Bob
Balaban, and a succession of cameos even
more obscure than Bob Fucking Balaban.
After an overlong series of phone calls, BILL MURRAY comes to give them
transportation and supplies.
RALPH FIENNES
Give my thanks to the rest of the secret
society. This just about makes up for you
guys seemingly sitting on your asses while
I got framed for murder and thrown in
prison.
BILL MURRAY
(demeanor: Bill Murray)
Don’t mention it. Incidentally, we got
a message from Mathieu, he needs to meet
with you at some mountaintop monastery.
RALPH FIENNES
Is it to give me a message that could have
safely been entrusted to you, saving
everybody a whole lot of time and bother?
BILL MURRAY
Most likely.
RALPH and TONY go to the MONASTERY and meet MATHIEU.
MATHIEU AMALRIC
You need to know that Tilda made a second,
secret will that leaves Adrien with
nothing if she gets murdered!
RALPH FIENNES
And that will had to be secret because
why? If I had a will like that I think
I’d make fifty copies and distribute it
to everybody. Publish it in the goddamn
newspaper. Might have made Adrien think
twice about murdering her, don’t you
think?
MATHIEU AMALRIC
Maybe. Anyway the important thing is that
the will is hidden in HURK OH NO WILLEM
DAFOE IS STRANGLING ME. WHY, WILLEM? WHY
WOULD YOU NOT WAIT A FEW MORE SECONDS AND
FIND OUT WHERE THE WILL IS? YOU NEED TO
KNOW THAT AS MUCH AS RALPH DOES, I MEAN
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
(dies)
WILLEM flees by skiing down the mountain at roughly FIVE TIMES THE SPEED
OF LIGHT. RALPH and TONY follow in a SLED, which eventually ROCKETS
OVER A CLIFF!
RALPH FIENNES
It’s okay, there was some kind of
plateau under that cliff, so now Tony’s
buried in the snow over there while I’m
dangling off a second, more lethal cliff!
I’ve gone over this scene in my head a
dozen times now, and by now I’m like
eighty per cent sure that must be what the
hell just happened.
WILLEM tries to stomp off the SNOW to which RALPH is clinging, but then
TONY shoves WILLEM off the cliff to his death.
DIRECTOR WES ANDERSON
But in a WHIMSICAL AND QUIRKY WAY, right??
TONY REVOLORI
Actually, yes. Circumstances just forced
an innocent teenage boy to end a human
life, wakka wakka!
RALPH FIENNES
Our next move should be to not give two
fucks about the intel Mathieu just died to
give us, and instead retrieve the valuable
painting from the hotel.
TONY REVOLORI
Yes, let’s go to the most dangerous
place for you to be seen, so we can be on
the run with a bulky piece of unfenceable
artwork!
INT. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL
SAOIRSE is sent in to retrieve the PAINTING, but as she tries to leave
with it she winds up in an elevator with ADRIEN.
ADRIEN BRODY
She has the painting! Unfortunately I
can’t do anything right now as there’s
an elevator boy standing right here with
us.
(pause)
Well, I mean, obviously I could TELL the
elevator boy that this girl has my
valuable stolen property and he should
stop the elevator so she can’t get away.
I guess what I meant was, I can’t do
anything UNNECESSARILY GRUESOME.
SAOIRSE RONAN
Crap, he’s onto me! Better run away!
Away from the company of this elevator boy
he would never do anything in front of!
SAOIRSE makes a run for it. RALPH and TONY come in looking for her,
then ADRIEN spots RALPH and starts SHOOTING AT HIM! Then a whole bunch
of EDWARD’S SOLDIERS show up and it turns into a BIG SHOOTOUT.
SOLDIER #1
Hey, fellow soldier on the opposite
balcony, help me out. Are we soldiers
actually shooting at each other right now
for some reason? Or is everybody shooting
at Adrien and Ralph, but literally none of
us are managing to hit them even though
they’re standing still?
SOLDIER #2
Who cares, this is a waaaacky shootout, so
nobody’s gonna get hurt anyway!
EDWARD comes and just tells everybody to stop shooting. Then TONY goes
and retrieves SAOIRSE, who has accidentally discovered TILDA'S SECRET
WILL hidden inside the PAINTING.
RALPH FIENNES
Look at this, a will leaving everything to
me if Tilda is murdered! Now everything
is resolved happily!
EDWARD NORTON
How? This doesn’t detract from the
evidence that you killed her. In fact it
provides you with a huge motive for having
done so.
RALPH FIENNES
Yes, but you’re forgetting the simple
logic that QUICK F. MURRAY, STOP NARRATING
NOW!
INT. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, 1968
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
And that’s my colorful tale of adventure
and hijinks!
JUDE LAW
Wonderful! Although I gotta say, with
your decadent old-timey Europe production
values, it’s a shame you didn’t
shoehorn in some serious drama to make
this into the kind of thing the Academy
eats up with a spoon.
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
Oh shit, you’re right. Sudden tone
change!
INT. TRAIN
RALPH, TONY and SAOIRSE are on a TRAIN when they’re accosted by
another GENOCIDE SQUAD. This time RALPH FIGHTS THEM and they TRAGICALLY
KILL HIM.
INT. THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL, 1968
F. MURRAY ABRAHAM
And then uh, I guess they just let me go
for the hell of it, and I inherited the
hotel from Ralph, who inherited it from
Tilda. But later Saoirse died of some
random illness along with our infant
child, leaving me alone forever. And the
hotel became run down and deserted. The
end.
JUDE LAW
So now that we’ve dragged this tale from
Fantastic Mr. Fox-level whimsy right down
to Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou-level
depressing, let’s check back in on those
superfluous outer layers and be done.
INT. OFFICE, 1985
TOM WILKINSON
Move along, nothing to see here.
EXT. GRAVEYARD
RANDOM WOMAN
(pointless)
END.

FADE IN:
INT. THEATRE - DRESSING ROOM
MICHAEL KEATON floats cross-legged in mid-air wearing his TIGHTY
WHITIES, so that our story can really hit the ground running by throwing
some flimsily-covered OLD-GUY SCROTE in our face.
MICHAEL KEATON
Eh, worked for Breaking Bad.
Various posters and memorabilia indicate that MICHAEL is playing an
actor who used to be... BIRDman. BIRD. Then other guys like GEORGE
LOONEY and VOLE KILMER played increasingly stupider versions of BIRDman
until finally a gritty reboot by CHRISTOPHER NUTHATCH made BIRDman
respectable and even got an Academy Award for THRUSH LEDGER.
DISEMBODIED BIRDMAN
VOICE
You suck Keaton. You never should have
quit being... BIRDman. Have you SEEN
that Ben Sadfleck poster?
MICHAEL KEATON
Hmm, voices in my head. And I can make
things move with my mind! No way does
that first fact cast any doubt on the
second one, I clearly have superpowers
now!
MICHAEL’s ever-flustered manager ZACH GALIFIANAKIS arrives.
MICHAEL KEATON
Dammit, why are you here?
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
Because we have the only casting director
in the world who didn’t watch
“Hangover III”. Come on, it's
rehearsal time.
MICHAEL and ZACH WALK AND WALK AND WALK down to the stage of the play
MICHAEL is producing, an adaptation of a RAYMOND CARVER story starring
HIMSELF, NAOMI WATTS, ANDREA RISEBOROUGH, and…
UNTALENTED SHMUCK
(crushed by falling stagelight)
Ack!
(brain damage)
MICHAEL KEATON
Whoops, too bad. Actually, I made that
happen with my telekinesis, he was a
shitty actor.
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
Wait, if that’s true, you’re a
psychopath! You know, people have a way
of getting rid of unwanted employees,
it’s called FIRING THEM. And I’m
supposed to care about you during the next
two hour-
MICHAEL KEATON
I MUST MAKE A COMEBACK. MAKE DRAMA, WIN
AWARDS, HYPE THE PUBLIC.
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
By being a former superhero blockbuster
star making a small indie comeback in a
movie about a former superhero blockbuster
star making a small indie comeback?
MICHAEL KEATON
I’m hoping it’s SO obvious, that it
loops back around to being subtle again.
They WALK AND WALK to A DIFFERENT PART OF THE THEATRE.
MICHAEL KEATON
Hang on, are we doing this whole movie in
one shot?
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
Nah, we’re faking it. It’ll look
really cool, except for those parts where
we’re obviously masking a cut, which is
shockingly often.
MICHAEL KEATON
So why bother?
DIRECTOR ALEJANDRO
INARRITU
I MUST MAKE DRAMA, WIN AWARDS, HYPE THE
PUBLIC. Cuaron got tons of props for
doing Gravity mostly in real time, but
there were 3 or 4 little time jumps in it
and shit! I’m gonna do my entire movie
in like 2 shots, that’ll show him!
Besides, people loved “Russian Ark”
for this.
MICHAEL KEATON
Yeah, but without the one-shot gimmick,
that movie was boring as squash rot.
DIRECTOR ALEJANDRO
INARRITU
Don’t make me drop a light on you.
MICHAEL WALKS AND WALKS back to his dressing room for press interviews.
REPORTER
So Michael, tell us more about this
revolutionary wankfest.
MICHAEL KEATON
Basically we’re taking this 1995 Steve
Buscemi movie called LIVING IN OBLIVION
and redoing it, but switching from comedy
to taking ourselves VERY VERY SERIOUSLY.
But then telling the Golden Globes it’s
a comedy.
(pause)
It’s cool though, nobody remembers that
stupid Buscemi movie. Fuck it, we’ll
even keep the dwarf who complains about
only doing dream sequences.
MICHAEL WALKS AND WALKS back to THE STAGE and finds replacement actor
EDWARD NORTON.
EDWARD NORTON
Hi there. Your acting sucks, all that
Birdman stuff you did was bullshit.
Superhero movies are all bullshit.
Especially Marvel Studios movies, those IN
PARTICULAR are bullshit.
(smiles)
Luckily you now have me, the amazing
Edward Norton, whom everyone knows and
loves and wants to suck the toenails on
and would pay to suckle the ears of and
(goes on for fucking hours)
ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
(popping head in frame)
I’m pregnant.
MICHAEL'S daughter EMMA STONE takes EDWARD away and they WALK AND WALK
down to costuming. He gets NAKED!
EDWARD NORTON
Ha ha losers, witness my astounding
devotion to the craft, in the form of my
pasty buttcheeks! I just scored MAJOR
awards points!
EDWARD gets dressed and WALKS AND WALKS over to the DRESS REHEARSAL,
which goes great until EDWARD discovers that his GIN has been replaced
with MARK RUFFALO WATER.
EDWARD NORTON
(freaking out)
ARRRRRGH NO MORE FUCKING SUBSTITUTIONS!!!
I INSIST WE ONLY USE ORIGINAL GENUINE
THINGS! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SET, YOU
MUST BUILD A FULL-SIZED REAL ACTUAL HOUSE
AND TIME-TRAVEL US BACK TO THE 1950S AND
ARRRRRRGH
MICHAEL KEATON
Goddammit Ed, you asshole! That's it,
you're fired! Or we should go get a
drink, whichever.
ED and MICHAEL WALK AND WALK over to the nearby BAR.
EDWARD NORTON
I think you're overreacting to my huge
childish tantrum. Remind me, why is this
so important to you again?
MICHAEL KEATON
I MUST MAKE A COMEBACK. MAKE DRAMA,
WIN...
EDWARD NORTON
No no, important to your CHARACTER.
MICHAEL KEATON
Same thing.
EDWARD NORTON
But surely there’s some microgram of
relatable human motivation. You did
remember to include that part, right?
MICHAEL KEATON
Oh yeah. Raymond Carver saw me act once
and wrote me a deeply personal, heartfelt
note. It's scrawled on this bar napkin
stained with beer and vomit.
EDWARD NORTON
You were fleetingly, disposably
acknowledged by a famous person, and that
now drives your whole life? We may have
just accidentally summed up the 21st
century.
MICHAEL WALKS AND WALKS back to the THEATRE and frantically spazzes
around, trying to get his madcap dysfunctional actors and crew under
control in time for the big show. He passes by the guy who’s been
playing DRUMS this entire time.
ANIMAL FROM THE
MUPPETS
(drumming)
AN-I-MAAAL!! AAAN-III-MAAAAAAALL!!!!!!!
The next DRESS REHEARSAL happens, and they reach the FINAL SCENE.
NAOMI WATTS
Huh, so the play ends with Michael
Keaton's character shooting himself and
GOSH I WONDER HOW THE MOVIE IS GONNA END,
HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
Hang on, that wasn’t in the Raymond
Carver story at all! We just made it up
to be artsy!
A FALLING LIGHT misses her by INCHES. EDWARD and NAOMI take their
places, where they are in bed together.
EDWARD NORTON
Oh hey, I’m totally hard. How about I
fuck you for real? You’re cool with
that right?
NAOMI WATTS
Why would ANY human being think anybody
would ever be cool with that.
EDWARD NORTON
Because I’m METHOD! That trumps
everything else because otherwise my
character might have sides and multiple
dimensions and stuff.
EDWARD tries to RAPE NAOMI, but then we get to see EDWARD NORTON’S
ERECT PENIS so it’s funny now. NAOMI rushes off distraught, so
MICHAEL WALKS AND WALKS AND WALKS up to her dressing room.
MICHAEL KEATON
Fuck, this movie has more walking than
Lord of the Rings. Anyway, don’t worry
Naomi, you are awesome, I really mean
that, please don’t sue me.
(leaves)
ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
Michael’s never said anything that
sincere and heartfelt to me! Let’s make
out.
NAOMI WATTS
Huh? Why?
ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
When they pitched this as “Comedy Black
Swan,” they meant the whole thing,
dammit!
They KISS, PASSIONATELY. This impacts the story by
DISEMBODIED BIRDMAN
VOICE
BZZZZT THE REASONS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR
CANNOT BE FOUND
NAOMI WALKS AND WALKS and passes ZACH who WALKS AND WALKS and passes
EDWARD who WALKS AND WALKS and WHOOPS HIS BACK TOOK UP THE WHOLE SCREEN
FOR A MOMENT, GOSH WHAT HAPPENED THERE, and now he is on the ROOFTOP to
do a scene with EMMA.
EDWARD NORTON
Wait. Don’t we have two rooftop scenes?
EMMA STONE
Yeah, but they’re basically the same.
EDWARD NORTON
Cool. So we should have sex. Except I
can’t have sex. Except wait, yes I can.
EMMA STONE
Cool.
EDWARD NORTON
Also I wanna rip your eyes out.
EMMA STONE
Less cool. Try again later.
EMMA WALKS DOWNSTAIRS and passes ANDREA who WALKS PAST MICHAEL who
wanders into his DRESSING ROOM and uses TELEKINESIS to break shit. Or
maybe he just SMACKS STUFF.
DISEMBODIED BIRDMAN
VOICE
What did you expect, Michael? Why would
you make a play from a short story
that’s nothing-
MICHAEL KEATON
(running hand through seven light
bulbs)
SHUUUUUUT UUUUP
DISEMBODIED BIRDMAN
VOICE
-but a lady talking about how much her
abusive boyfriend loved her?
MICHAEL KEATON
(horribly bleeding)
(arteries severed)
It’s all about LEVELS, asshole! We’ve
deliberately constructed this situation
where a great short story’s been made
into a crappy play, to hopefully make a
great movie! Critics love all that
contrasting level shit. Oh by the way,
FUCK YOU CRITICS. Please love us.
MICHAEL gets ready for the preview performance but then gets locked
outside in his underwear. He fails to free his ROBE from the door it's
caught in, then POLITELY KNOCKS on the door which, shockingly, no one
hears.
MICHAEL KEATON
I’m doomed. I’ll have to walk through
Times Square in my underwear, where
everyone will film me! It’s too bad
I’m not surrounded by trash bags or
anything I could use to cover my face.
CELLPHONE USERS
(filming Michael)
It’s also too bad you decided to walk
directly through an oncoming parade in the
street instead of, say, a sidewalk where
parades don’t happen.
MICHAEL KEATON
(climbing Coca-Cola sign)
OH NOOOO DON’T LOOK AT MEEEEEE
He finishes the play in his UNDERWEAR, then WALKS AND WALKS back to the
BAR.
CRITIC
Fuck you Keaton. I’m so over the top I
make Anton Ego look like a finely tuned
character study. And no, there’s no
magic food that will make me like you.
MICHAEL KEATON
So? You’re just a CRITIC! Critics suck
ass, please validate me, eat shit!!
AUDIENCE
YEAH! I fucking hate critics, I’m so
glad I saw this movie I wouldn’t even
know about if all the critics hadn’t
told me to go see it!
MICHAEL gets SHITFACED and passes out. The CAMERA pans up into the sky
and TIME PASSES.
DIRECTOR ALEJANDRO
INARRITU
STILL ONE TAKE! Okay this is a really
obvious cheat and clearly the actors
didn’t stand around for 12 hours in
character while this happened, but STILL
ONE TAKE, KIND OF!!! And that also goes
for the OTHER two times I do this same
trick! FUCK YOU CUARON!!!
MICHAEL wakes up, and walks around hallucinating his BIRDMAN PERSONA as
well as REALLY EXPENSIVE SPECIAL EFFECTS because this is a small plucky
indie movie with indie cred that can now be marketed as an ACTION MOVIE.
BIRDMAN
(literally talking to camera)
Yeah, audiences like idiotic action shit
because they got shallow pockets of mucus
for brains! No one appreciates REAL art
anymore, with non-sequitur metaphors or
the petty quests of insufferable
protagonists!
AUDIENCE
YEAH! I’m so glad I paid to see a rich
guy act like a dick in a theatre instead
of in a robot suit, now I feel smart!
MICHAEL wraps up with a WEAPON OF CHOICE daydream and returns to the
THEATRE, where he finds EMMA holding THE SCRIPT some TOILET
PAPER.
EMMA STONE
All this acting angst is bullshit. And
all the awards and likes and retweets and
such is even bigger bullshit.
MICHAEL KEATON
Um, you may have noticed we’re hoping
for major Oscar treatment here. Is this
reverse psychology or something?
EMMA STONE
Of course! And now that I’ve delivered
a monologue with any substance whatsoever,
I’m a total lock for every supporting
actress nomination out there. Fuck yeah!
ANDREA RISEBOROUGH
(popping head in frame)
Actually I'm not pregnant.
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
(evaporates)
EMMA WALKS AWAY to find EDWARD to go have sex.
EDWARD NORTON
Hang on, isn’t the first rule of romance
that the audience has to fall in love with
BOTH characters? Otherwise nobody will
want to see them end up together?
EMMA STONE
It’s okay, we’re both obnoxious
dipshits so the rule works in reverse!
They FUCK on the FLY RAIL, like all the techies in your high school
theatre probably did. This impacts the flow of events by
DISEMBODIED BIRDMAN
VOICE
BRRRRAP PURPOSE CANNOT BE LOCATED, PLEASE
SEARCH YOUR LOCAL PILES OF BIRD SHIT
It's OPENING NIGHT now - STILL ONE TAKE FAP FAP FAP - and MICHAEL is
back in his dressing room. His exwife AMY RYAN shows up.
AMY RYAN
I hope your show goes well, you
insufferable bastard that I hate.
MICHAEL KEATON
Thanks. Listen, back when we were
together, I tried killing myself by
drowning, but there were icky jellyfish
and it was like, REALLY COLD, y’know how
you think it won’t be THAT cold, but
then, YIIIKES IT’S FUCKING COLD?!? So I
wimped out. But this is my chance to
really do something good.
AMY RYAN
What, this self-indulgent circus trick of
a movie, THIS is your big chance? Where
you’ve spent half of it arguing that
it’s all meaningless?
MICHAEL KEATON
Damn right! See, we can argue over
whether this means anything for hours. Go
back and forth saying, acting is noble,
acting is vain, acting is truth, acting is
pointless. But the thing is, IT’S STILL
ALL ABOUT ACTING. We get credibility
points for taking shots at ourselves while
keeping the spotlight firmly planted on
us! Maybe there’s meaning to be found
in other walks of life, in unglamorous
jobs, in simply being a good friend and a
decent person, or God forbid, focusing on
OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE, but fuck that shit,
we gotta keep jerking it over MY ACTING
and MY ART and searching for meaning THERE
and THERE ALONE because if that spotlight
ever goes off, who knows, we might see the
whole world.
MICHAEL takes a REAL GUN and WALKS AND WALKS to the stage and SHOOTS
HIMSELF IN THE HEAD. This receives a STANDING OVATION from the THEATRE
AUDIENCE, so impressed by the SHOCK ENDING that they forget all about
the TWO HOURS of ruthlessly mediocre playwrighting that came before it.
M. NIGHT SHYALAMAN
Hm, maybe I should do theatre.
EXT. ARSTY MONTAGE
Things! Dead animals! Experimental film! Goodbye to Language!
INT. HOSPITAL
MICHAEL wakes up in a HOSPITAL BED with a BIG HONKIN BANDAGE on his
face.
EMMA STONE
Good news Dad, you managed to only wound
your nose, so you officially have the
worst aim ever. On the other hand,
everyone loves your play, you’re a huge
hit, and I respect you now!
MICHAEL KEATON
Let me get this straight. I attempted
suicide. As a direct result, I
immediately got everything I wanted and
everyone loves me.
EMMA STONE
Yep. Hell of a message, Mike.
MICHAEL KEATON
But don't you see? I finally did it... I
made this whole universe all about ME!
(to camera)
I'd like to thank the Academy for this
award, and for choosing me over a guy
currently doing some of the worst
overacting since Battlefield Earth. Now
for a demonstration of my powers!!
(jumps out window)
EMMA goes to the window, looks UP, and SMILES.
DIRECTOR ALEJANDRO
INARRITU
Aw yeah, ambiguous ending shot! That's
like meth to critics, shiny hardware here
we come!!!
EMMA STONE
But every other “supernatural” thing
has been given real-life explanations, so
logically Michael’s a street pancake
while I’m hallucinating from having
inherited his mental illness. Not much of
a mystery--
EMMA gets CRUSHED by a FALLING STAGELIGHT. BIRDMAN finishes taking a
MASSIVE TWO-HOUR DUMP, while over in the washroom, the BIRDMAN CHARACTER
also finishes taking a MASSIVE TWO-HOUR DUMP.
END

He laughed when they said "Wear a helmet." Now he'll never laugh again.

FADE IN:
EXT. 2002 – QUEEN ELIZABETH II CELEBRATES HER GOLDEN JUBILEE; THE
UNITED STATES INVADES AFGHANISTAN. TEENS PARTY TO NELLY’S “HOT IN
HERE” WHILE AUDIENCES FLOCK TO A YOUNG TOBEY MAGUIRE AS
“SPIDER-MAN”
ELLAR COLTRANE is an ADORABLE LITTLE BOY staring at THE SKY in a FIELD
OF GRASS!
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
There you are, Ellar! How's my little
baby-
(double-takes)
Wait, you're a movie poster. Where...
She roots through FIVE THOUSAND IDENTICAL PICTURES OF ELLAR before
finally finding THE REAL ONE.
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
So, your teacher says you’re a
disinterested slacker.
ELLAR COLTRANE
Meh.
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
And she says you stuffed your homework
down a toilet with a dead bird.
ELLAR COLTRANE
Fuh.
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
And when she asked you to solve a math
problem on the chalkboard, you wrote
“4+20=POT” and gave everyone the
finger.
ELLAR COLTRANE
I think bedbugs are in the wallpaper
Eskimos and a scanner darkly is gurgle
dingsoldier!
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
...Wha?
ELLAR COLTRANE
Can I vandalize my street an' lookit
pictures of Big Girls' nippleballs even
tho' Imma young for boobylovin?
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
(sighs)
Be home before sunset.
ELLAR watches some CARTOONS. He does NOT later whine about his
childhood being MURDERED because some SHITTY CARTOONS got turned into a
SHITTY MOVIE instead of ART.
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
Alright kids, we're moving to a bigger
house in suburbia.
LORELEI LINKLATER
(attitude)
Waaah! As the older child, I don't wanna
move! I might have to show more character
traits than "Has attitude!"
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
Wow, *I* remember moving as a kid! This
makes me so nostalgic for times when I
could be a pouty shit and everyone still
loved me!
LORELEI LINKLATER
(attitudlier)
Hey, I found another character trait: I
like Brittany.
(sings Brittany)
ELLAR COLTRANE
OH GOD NOOOOO THE AGONY IS TOOO MUUUUCH
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOOOOOP
EXT. 2003 – SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA TAKES ITS LAST FLIGHT. “SARS
FEVER” GRIPS THE WORLD, WHILE A DIFFERENT FEVER GRIPS AMERICA’S
YOUTH AS NELLY URGES THEM TO “SHAKE YA TAILFEATHER”
ELLAR and LORELEI hang out with their DIVORCED CRAZY-COOL-CAR DAD, ETHAN
HAWKE.
ETHAN HAWKE
Um, why do we all look like bleached polar
bears, but our daughter has a tan?
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
How dare you! You fucked that French
chick you pined over for nine years
ruined our marriage! You ass!
ELLAR COLTRANE
(upset)
Daddy left us, we never got to see him
'til now. His entrance in our lives brung
us trust issues, confusion, anger, and a
long road to forgive-
ETHAN HAWKE
HEY EVERYONE! It says in my contract that
if the director dies, I get to take over
his job! I'm SURE he DOESN'T want that to
happen, because SOMEONE MIGHT GET UPSET.
(smiles charmingly)
(points car at director's chair)
ELLAR COLTRANE
(reading script rewrites)
We had fun with Dad all the time because
he was a super awesome parent who
understood us, meanwhile Mom kept our
lives in constant craziness and
instability.
ETHAN HAWKE
That's what I'm Hawkein' about.
EXT. 2004 - VATICAN CITY GAINS FULL NON-VOTING MEMBERSHIP IN THE UNITED
NATIONS. PRINCE NORODOM SIHAMONI BECOMES KING OF CAMBODIA, WHILE
LOVEABLE OGRE SEQUEL “SHREK 2” DOMINATES THE BOX OFFICE
PATRICIA eventually marries her COLLEGE PROFESSOR MARCO PERELLA. If by
EVENTUALLY you mean ONE SCENE.
MARCO PERELLA
Nice to meet you, Ellar. Go play with
Lorelei while your mom and I, ah, turn
some "D's" into "D+'s" and eventually
raise some "C" out of there.
ELLAR COLTRANE
You what to what with Mommy?
MARCO PERELLA
We're going to study, real HARD. Gotta
put INSIDE HER... some knowledge.
JAMIE HOWARD
Hi, my brother and I are your new
stepsiblings. Surprisingly, we're really
cool! Disney lied, stepsiblings aren't
always evil!
ANDREW VILLARREAL
Marco's a cool dad, except for his huge
red flag collection. Like, it takes up
the whole garage.
EXT. 2005 - THE HUYGENS PROBE LANDS ON TITAN. POPE JOHN PAUL II PASSES
AWAY, FOUR MILLION ATTEND THE FUNERAL. MILLIONS ALSO ROCK OUT TO GWEN
STEFANI’S “HOLLABACK GIRL”. THE AMOUNT OF OVERLAP IS AS YET
UNDETERMINED
ELLAR goes to SCHOOL and does AHHHHHH THINGS WITH SO MUCH NOSTALGIA, for
those of us who group up in THE FAST FOOD NATION. This includes going
to a HARRY POTTER BOOK RELEASE PARTY!
ELLAR COLTRANE
Yeah, only children loved Harry Potter.
It's not like every demographic went nuts
over it or anything.
LORELEI LINKLATER
(attitudliest)
Isn't it cool to follow the episodic
adventures of Harry's youth, watching him
grow older with each installment? The
only thing better would be to read them
ALL IN A ROW AT ONCE!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE takes TEN YEARS NOT TWELVE so FUCK HIM.
EXT. 2006 - GERMANY HOSTS THE WORLD CUP, ITALY HOSTS THE WINTER
OLYMPICS. NEW DEAD PEOPLE INCLUDE DON KNOTTS, DARREN MCGAVIN, AND NINA
SCHENK VON STAUFFENBERG
MARCO turns into the DRUNK DAD FROM HELL and it is TERRIFYING. The
MODERN HORROR GENRE cowers, found-footage camera between its legs.
MARCO PERELLA
LORELEI! It says your mother called and
left you a message. Tell me what she
said!
LORELEI LINKLATER
(blah-ttitude)
She said, "Child abuse isn't funny, so
anyone writing an abridged script should
skip these-"
MARCO PERELLA
FUCK THAT! South Park's made child abuse
funny like fifty times! Wait, not really.
I'm not that drunk.
LORELEI LINKLATER
(whatever)
Sure, "Dad." You have the phone in your
hand, check the message yourself. I see
we're boldly entering a whole realm of
heavy issues and deep subject ma-
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
AAIIEE, run, kids! Run away from the
thing resembling a plot!
ELLAR COLTRANE
Alright! Come on, Jamie and Andrew!
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
Sorry, we have to abandon their asses.
Texas law says they're stuck with Marco,
since all the available foster parents are
gay couples.
ELLAR COLTRANE
But-
They ABANDON JAMIE AND ANDREW, presumably to DIE VIOLENTLY after short
lives of terror.
ANDREW VILLARREAL
Wow. Fucking Texas CPS.
JAMIE HOWARD
You know what's weird? We shot this when
we were like nine and never acted again;
ten years later we're suddenly major roles
in a gigantic movie yet nobody gives a
shit about us.
ANDREW VILLARREAL
Fucking Texas fucking Rick Perry fuck.
They move to OKLAHOMA for some AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM.
EXT. 2007 - "CRANK THAT (SOULJA BOY)" DEBUTS IN SEPTEMBER, DESPITE THE
MOVIE PLAYING IT SEVERAL SCENES AGO...WHOOPS
ETHAN HAWKE
Hey son! Let's go to a ball game and
catch some bad news, Bears! Oh wait, this
is baseball.
ELLAR COLTRANE
Dad? Do you have a job? Other than
making shit horror movies, I mean.
ETHAN HAWKE
Watch your language, young man. I've
fallen in love with a beautiful woman who
I've fathered another child with and
we're visiting Greece together while
solving our relationship problems. How
are you doing with girls?
ELLAR COLTRANE
Are cooties real?
ETHAN HAWKE
Not if you feed the girls before midnight.
ELLAR COLTRANE
Is there really... magic?
ETHAN HAWKE
Oho, serious scene time!! Of course
there’s magic, if I told you this crazy
project would be the Best Picture
frontrunner, would you believe that?
EXT. 2008 - FIDEL CASTRO RESIGNS AS PRESIDENT OF CUBA. DMITRY MEDVEDEV
BECOMES PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA, REPLACING PUTIN. MEANWHILE KATY PERRY
KISSES A GIRL AND IS REASONABLY OKAY WITH THE CONCEPT
STEREOTYPICAL BULLIES show up and vanish, in that way bullies do.
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
I'd like to talk about women's rights and
the pay gap.
LORELEI LINKLATER
So... bored...
(enters vegetative state)
(drools)
EXT. 2009 - JAMES CAMERON MAKES A MOVIE AND SPENDS THE MONEY ON SCIENCE
INSTEAD OF A BIGGER MANSION, UPSETTING EVERYONE FOR SOME REASON
Nothing else happens for a while.
RICHARD LINKLATER
This is a whole new type of storytelling!
I’ve stretched film into a
multi-segmented, episodic approach that
can span years of real time! Now you can
see actors grow and change when you
binge-watch it all at once!
ELLAR COLTRANE
Oh, brilliant job, Richard. You’ve
invented television.
(slow clap)
OSCARS
(dodging bullet)
Whew!
EXT. 2010 - BP SPILLS OIL EVERYWHERE, BUT PROMISES TO NEVER DO SO
AGAIN. THE CRISIS OF OIL DRILLING IS FOREVERMORE RESOLVED
ELLAR continues through his waking life by getting drunk and stoned
while making out with chicks, yo. He arrives home to discover PATRICIA
has married BRAD HAWKINS.
ELLAR COLTRANE
(dazed and confused)
You seem pretty cool, Bro... Bernie... I
mean, Brad. Whoa, do NOT mix ups and
downs, crunk BLOWS.
BRAD HAWKINS
I'm a chill veteran rebuilding his life,
ready to calm down with a family and
KIDDING I'm the drunk dad from hell!
ELLAR COLTRANE
What? Nah man, we already did that. Tell
me we didn't already run out of ideas,
there's, like, five years to go!
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
Sorry honey, but Linklater's having
trouble thinking up childhoods that
weren't his own. He and Orson Welles have
that in common.
ELLAR COLTRANE
But-
(looks in mirror)
(checks Google Images)
(looks in mirror again)
Erm, why do I have the same hairstyle
Linklater-
GRANDPARENTS
-HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELLAR! We got you a gun
and a Bible, now you can be just like the
Newton Boys!
ELLAR COLTRANE
(reading interviews)
And this TOTALLY isn't what Linklater got
for his 15th birthday. He got, oh I don't
know, a roll of duct tape. Like,
whatever.
ETHAN HAWKE
I don't know about the kids having guns...
GRANDPARENTS
Have you seen the parade of guys Patricia
brings home? Fuck yes they need guns.
EXT. 2011 - THE VIOLENT UNREST OF THE “ARAB SPRING” DOMINATES WORLD
HEADLINES WHILE BRUNO MARS SETS OFF A “GRENADE”; OBAMA ANNOUNCES BIN
LADEN'S DEATH, MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC WONDERS IF HARRY WILL SURVIVE PART TWO
OF “DEATHLY HALLOWS”
ELLAR meets with his TEACHER of SOMETHING OR OTHER.
ELLAR COLTRANE
I've discovered my true passion:
photography. Here's my photo.
TEACHER
This is my face with the word "Dick" drawn
on it.
(pause)
I'm promoting you to school paper
photographer.
ELLAR'S RESTAURANT
BOSS
You're lazy. I'm promoting you to head
cook.
ELLAR'S FUTURE
LANDLORD
You don't pay rent. I'm upgrading you to
a larger apartment.
ELLAR COLTRANE
So that's how the Texas economy works.
ELLAR, face locked in "vaguely interested" mode for the remaining years,
goes to ONE OF THOSE SUPERSIZE HIGH SCHOOL MOVIE PARTIES. Keg! Beer
pong! Hot girls! It's not fucking college yet!
ZOE GRAHAM
Hey Ellar. I get turned on by people who
spiel about, like, the universe and shit.
ELLAR COLTRANE
I'm scruffy and shampoo my hair with
sausage grease, and-
ZOE GRAHAM
STOP RIGHT THERE YOU'RE ALREADY A GOD
A year passes, or maybe two, it's getting hard to tell.
EXT. 2012 - THE HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE IS FOUND, SPARKING A WORLDWIDE
ARMAGEDDON LED BY ITS FEARSOME HERALD, JOHN CUSACK IN A LIMOUSINE
ZOE and ELLAR wander around before sunrise.
ELLAR COLTRANE
Society, like, turns us into
mind-controlled robots with Facebook and
smartphones.
ZOE GRAHAM
Oh no... You've turned into one of THOSE
people! Basically, how you were when I
met you! We're breaking up.
ETHAN HAWKE
That sucks, kid. But hey, life goes on.
RICHARD LINKLATER
That's it for you, Ethan! See you on the
set of "Before Afternoon." I feel like
visiting Venice, let's set it in Venice.
EXT. 2013 - POPE FRANCIS AND EDWARD SNOWDEN LAUNCH THEIR CONSPIRACY TO
END SOCIETY
RESTAURANT OWNER
Hey guys, Patricia told me to go to school
once and I did, now I'm a successful
restaurant manager. Please enjoy your
Pollos Hermanos.
LORELEI LINKLATER
(waking from coma)
GOOD LORD, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN IT POSSIBLY
BE
(relapses)
EXT. 2014 - "LET IT GO" IS FROZEN INSIDE THE PUBLIC'S HEADS, THE DOG
"DOGE" SWEEPS THE INTERNET AND PRESUMABLY DROWNS IN BUCKETS OF ICE WATER
CHALLENGES... WHAT A COOL YEAR
ELLAR packs up for COLLEGE with PATRICIA. She bursts into TEARS.
PATRICIA ARQUETTE
I dunno, it’s like, this whole movie is
just a checklist of moments, and every
time I think a story’s about to happen,
we skip ahead! I just thought… there
would be more, y’know?
ELLAR COLTRANE
Now seems like a time when I could hug you
and demonstrate my development while
closing our-
(leaves)
Oh. Well fuck you Mom. Thanks for paying
for my degree in an oversaturated field!
INT. NEW ADULT UNIVERSITY
ELLAR prepares to end his boyhood at the momentous, naturally closing
note of-
GIRL
You've never seen me! Have drugs I stuff
in your mouth!
ROOMMATE DUDE
Let's blow off our orientation! Eat pot
brownies!
ELLAR COLTRANE
This is such a school of rock!
They wander around and act OBNOXIOUS.
GIRL
You're on the cusp of a grand new journey.
It's time for your last observations on
life, love, and the world, before the end.
ELLAR COLTRANE
(deep breath)
It's... it's always right now!
GIRL
What?
ELLAR COLTRANE
For some reason, it's always now until
it's later!
GIRL
...I learned that from Calvin and Hobbes.
In 1994.
ELLAR COLTRANE
(doing more drugs)
What, did you want something profound?
GIRL
Well, yes, see, I have a monologue about
how we perceive moments against our-
ELLAR COLTRANE
-Because everything I've done indicates
I'm going to end up another drunk asshole!
I blow off responsibility! I spend most
of my free time on substances! My
potential job market is overcrowded! You
think it's an accident this is the last
way you're going to see me? You think I
listened to those warnings from my parents
about birth control? Hate to tell ya,
Random Girl, but we are CLEARLY having
blackout sex. Tonight.
ROOMMATE DUDE
But... it was TWELVE YEARS, man!
ELLAR COLTRANE
You know why everyone's enamored with this
movie? Because you can look at it and see
whatever you want. Your own life, your
kid's life, coming-of-age, bunch of
shorts, delayed gratification exercise,
ETC... everyone stares at it trying to
get SOMETHING AMAZING, and they
automatically love it!
RICHARD LINKLATER
For example, I use this movie to fathom
the mysteries of human aging, since I look
like I haven't aged in two decades.
ELLAR COLTRANE
Oh shut up. Stop inserting your personal
life all over this story.
(squints)
Hey, did you insert yourself all over this
script, too? Why does it have all the
names of your-
RICHARD LINKLATER
Yes, I'd like to thank the Academy for my
nice, well-deserved Oscar, rewarding pure
perseverance and vision over, say, some
whiny meta arthouse drama nobody will
remember after a few years.
END

FADE IN:
EXT. IRAQISTAN
BRADLEY COOPER is an AMERICAN SNIPER. DUH. He is watching over an
approaching AMERICAN CONVOY.
BRADLEY COOPER
Hey look, there’s a guy on his cell
phone eyeing the convoy. I’m pretty
sure he’s a bad guy and I have been
given permission to splatter his brains.
But BRADLEY hesitates and the PROBABLY BAD GUY tiptoes out of his view
while twirling his MUSTACHE.
BRADLEY COOPER
Sigh, such is the moral burden of the
sniper. I’ll be sure to shoot the very
next bad guy no matter the gripping
circumstances.
A WOMAN and a CHILD step out onto the street ahead of the convoy, which
is still like 10 MILES AWAY.
BRADLEY COOPER
Hmm, nothing suspicious about that.
Then the WOMAN pulls out a key chain which just so happens to be in the
shape of an EXPLOSIVE.
BRADLEY COOPER
What? People in the middle east can’t
shop at novelty stores? I’m sure this
is totally innocent.
Then the WOMAN hands the explosive to the CHILD and sends him RIGHT AT
THE CONVOY.
BRADLEY COOPER
Oh come on! You can’t give me a
faceless guy with an RPG or an AK 47 to be
my very first kill? It just HAS to be a
kid with a bomb? Well alright then.
BRADLEY is about to blow the CHILD’S LITTLE BRAINS OUT when we
FLASHBACK!
EXT. BACKWATERVILLE, TEXAS - FLASHBACK
YOUNG BRADLEY is hunting with his HARDASS DAD.
YOUNG BRADLEY
Wow! I just shot and killed my very first
deer!
HARDASS DAD
Yes, but you left your rifle on the
ground. Now you will never have my love
or approval. Also, given that I am a
Texan it’s mandatory I express my hardon
for Jesus and conservative Christian
values by teaching you how everyone on
God’s earth is either good, evil, or a
pussy, and I ain’t raise’n no evil
pussies. Now which one are you, son?
(places ass-whooping belt on table)
Oh, and the wrong answer wins you an ass
beating.
YOUNG BRADLEY
Clearly I am destined to become a
well-adjusted adult with direction and
zero violent tendencies.
YOUNG BRADLEY immediately goes BATSHIT PSYCHO on a kid fighting his
little brother YOUNG KEIR O’DONNELL.
HARDASS DAD
Thatta boy!
EXT. RODEO
YOUNG BRADLEY grows up to become THICK NECKED BRADLEY.
BRADLEY COOPER
I am an immature adult with no direction
and violent tendencies. Who’da thunk
it?
KEIR O'DONNELL
Also your girlfriend is kind of a hoe. I
know this because we just caught her with
another thick necked guy that wasn’t
you.
BRADLEY COOPER
Well golly gee, if only God would send me
a divine message to let me know what to do
with my life.
NEWS REPORT
Despite the fact this film is itself
little more than a recruitment/pro-war ad,
it is actually real world tragedy that
inspires you to join the service instead
of a dude fighting a lava monster on a
chess board.
EXT. BOOT CAMP
BRADLEY is being verbally assaulted and shot in the face with a fire
hose by SERGEANT BLACKMAN.
SERGEANT BLACKMAN
NOT SO FUN NOW IS IT?!
BRADLEY COOPER
Thank you sir, may I have another?
SERGEANT BLACKMAN
Wow, you’re a real badass. Therefore
you’ve earned a new love interest.
Report to the Meet Cute scene, double
time!
BRADLEY goes to a bar and approaches SIENNA MILLER.
SIENNA MILLER
I will display my attributes as fine
relationship material by being a total
bitch to every single man who approaches
me because I just want to be left alone.
Which is why I came to a crowded bar full
of attractive single people.
BRADLEY COOPER
Well hello there, cutie pie. I’m a Navy
Seal who loves his country.
SIENNA MILLER
I think Navy Seals who are exceedingly
patriotic are the scum of the fucking
earth.
BRADLEY COOPER
Marry me.
She DOES, but their underdeveloped romance is interrupted by SEPTEMBER
11th. BRADLEY is sent to war.
SIENNA MILLER
And while he’s busy doing that I’ll
remain integral to the story by being a
whiny nag. You know, like I usually am.
BRADLEY soon ends up back in the OPENING SCENE where he shoots the WOMAN
and CHILD SUICIDE BOMBERS.
BRADLEY’S SPOTTER
Fuck yeah! High five bro!
BRADLEY COOPER
Holy shit you are annoying. Guys like you
are the reason why everyone thinks
Americans are heartless assholes, now shut
the fuck up while I quietly contemplate
how my first two war kills are of a woman
and a kid.
CHRIS KYLE
DEATH TO ALL THOSE INHUMAN SAVAGES!
BRADLEY COOPER
Hey, quiet you. I’m trying to present
the more idealized and emotionally
conflicted version of you, which I will
demonstrate by questioning my decision to
end human lives.
(pause)
Okay enough of that shit, let’s kill
these sumbitches! Ooh-Rah!
BRADLEY goes on a MASSIVE 100+ KILLING SPREE which mostly involves
BRADLEY laying down quietly and peeing has pants for several hours.
SIENNA MILLER
(on sat-phone)
Bradley, I’m almost ready to give birth
to our first fake plastic baby. You need
to stop being a decorated war hero and
start living a boring civilian life with
me.
BRADLEY COOPER
No.
SIENNA MILLER
Well I tried. At least your position as a
sniper keeps you out of harm’s way more
so than if you were on the ground with the
other troops.
BRADLEY COOPER
Hey, good idea!
SIENNA MILLER
Wait, that wasn’t I meant--
BRADLEY bravados his way into one of the GROUND UNITS and gets
IMMEDIATELY IN HARM’S WAY and drops his SAT phone.
SIENNA MILLER
(still on sat-phone)
BRADLEY?! ARE YOU STILL THERE?! I JUST
HEAR A LOT OF SHOOTING AND DEATH! HELLO?!
I’M JUST GOING TO KEEP LISTENING TO THE
BATTLE UNTIL YOU PICK UP THIS PHONE AND
TELL ME YOU’RE OKAY!
But he NEVER DOES. SIENNA presumably spends the next several days
thinking BRADLEY is dead because he NEVER BOTHERS TO CALL HER BACK.
BRADLEY COOPER
That husband of the year award is surely
mine at this point!
(with pinky at corner of mouth)
As well as ANOTHER special award. Wink
wink.
EXT. ‘MERICA
BRADLEY returns home and is greeted with a barrage of FROWNING.
SIENNA MILLER
Bradley, you clearly have PTSD so I’m
going to trick you into seeing a doctor by
faking going into labor, followed by
actually going into labor, followed by
delivering a hilariously fake plastic
doll, followed by-- REALLY??? What the
fuck Clint?!
BRADLEY COOPER
Hey! I thought I came home from the war
so that I WOULDN’T get ambushed!
SIENNA gives birth to BRADLEY JR.
SIENNA MILLER
Bradley, this is the moment I pressured
you into staying home, again.
BRADLEY COOPER
Isn’t this like the 5th time we’ve had
this conversation? It’s not like I hid
the fact I’m a solider, you knew what
you were getting into.
SIENNA MILLER
But I’m a stereotypical Army wife, I
can’t help it. Now it’s either you be
with your family or continue being a
soldier with a legendary kill count.
Choose.
BRADLEY COOPER
Oh my God. Well when you put it that way
there’s really only one choice I could
possibly make.
EXT. IRAQISTAN
BRADLEY is BACK IN ACTION! But there is an INSURGENT SNIPER who is
challenging BRADLEY’s KILL COUNT and trying to outdo his siblings
DIVERGENT SNIPER and ALLEGIANT SNIPER.
INSURGENT SNIPER
Har har! I am Bradley’s rival and thus
evil, you can tell by my pirate-esque
bandanna, but I basically just do exactly
what Bradley does minus killing any women
or children. Wait, how am I the evil one
here?
BRADLEY COOPER
You’re killing American soldiers.
INSURGENT SNIPER
Oh, right. Doi. But c’mon man,
they’re my enemies, what did you expect?
From my perspective I’m the sheepdog
protecting the sheep from wolves like you.
BRADLEY COOPER
But the guys on your team are shooting
innocent civilians that helped us.
INSURGENT SNIPER
You mean innocent civilians whose homes
you personally busted into and forced at
gunpoint to help you?
BRADLEY COOPER
Uuuhhh... well your guys also used power
tools to cripple a small child, so
you’re clearly evil.
INSURGENT SNIPER
I don’t see how that’s worse than
murdering a kid by shooting him with a
high powered rifle, but okay. I mean yeah
he had an explosive but you could have
just shot him in the arm or something
instead of killing him.
BRADLEY COOPER
Look, would you just shut up and be a
stereotypical villain already? Jesus
fuck.
BRADLEY’S DOOMED
SOLDIER FRIEND
Hey! I just bought my fiance an
engagement ring! And she’s pregnant!
And I just won the lottery! And I’m
only 2 minutes away from retirement! What
could possibly go wro
(is Wesley Sniped!)
BRADLEY COOPER
Oh no! Insurgent Sniper killed my Doomed
Soldier Friend! Grr! I vow to get angry
thick-necked revenge!
INT. ‘MERICA
BRADLEY COOPER
Buuuuut not right now, maybe later, let me
spend some time being withdrawn and
emotionally distant to my bland family
first.
BRADLEY and BRADLEY JR are approached by a WAR VET whose life BRADLEY
saved.
WAR VET
Greetings Bradley, I just wanted to say I
am forever grateful for what you did and
for your service to our country.
BRADLEY COOPER
(creepy blank stare)
WAR VET
Uh, yeah. You are a true American hero
and I can not thank you enough for saving
my bacon.
BRADLEY COOPER
(creepy blank stare)
WAR VET
Err, right.
(to Bradley Jr)
Did you know your daddy was asked to join
The Avengers, but turned them down for not
being half as badass as he is? That’s a
true story.
BRADLEY COOPER
(creepy blank stare)
WAR VET
Okay, seriously dude, get your ass to the
V.A. hospital and get some fucking help
already.
BRADLEY COOPER
I am so racked with guilt over all the
lives I couldn’t save like Doomed
Solider Friend. I suppose I could go the
Private Ryan route and honor them by
living my life, or by going the Jeremy
Renner route and returning to
EXT. IRAQISTAN
BRADLEY COOPER
COMBAT!!!!!!!
BRADLEY self-medicates his POST TRAUMATIC STRESS by applying some
CURRENT TRAUMATIC STRESS. He shoots an INSURGENT who was about to RPG
the fuck out of an AMERICAN CONVOY. Then a KID tries to pick up the
dead guy’s RPG, which is comically 14 times bigger than the kid.
Somehow, absolutely NO ONE sees this besides BRADLEY.
BRADLEY COOPER
Don't do it kid. I'm a stone cold killer
now, and despite the fact you are a child,
you are not an American child so the
audience has basically given me their
silent permission to splatter your brains.
BRADLEY is about to SHOOT! But the KID drops the RPG and skedaddles.
BRADLEY COOPER
Phew!
(to the audience)
Holy shit, were you really going to let me
shoot that kid? Holy fuck no wonder I got
that Oscar nomination!
Then BRADLEY must have a final showdown with the EVIL INSURGENT SNIPER.
INSURGENT SNIPER
Har har! I’ve evilly shot American
soldiers, evilly!
BRADLEY COOPER
And now I will shoot you from over a mile
away because I have acquired James McAvoy
powers from Wanted so you're dead asshole.
INSURGENT SNIPER
Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
(is shot with Acme bullet)
And so BRADLEY returns home to his family and helps out at the V.A.
hospital and absolutely NOTHING about the nature of Chris Kyle's death
is mentioned because FUCK YOU THEY WANTED A HAPPY ENDING FUCK YOU.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
But... But where was the anti-war message
and Bush-bashing that I would have most
likely included when I was attached to
direct this film?
CLINT EASTWOOD
Sorry Stevie, but God-fearing Americans
don’t want to watch anti-war films that
make them feel guilty, they want to watch
sheepdogs protecting them from the wolves
of the world.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
You mean while completely ignoring the
fact the shepherd lied about which wolves
attacked the sheep which resulted in
thousands of dead sheepdogs?
CLINT EASTWOOD
ESPECIALLY while ignoring that fact.
Even though nearly every other film about the Iraq war has been a
FINANCIAL FAILURE, this one goes on to make over $360 MILLION WORLDWIDE!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
IT FUCKING WHAT?! Thanks a lot Invisible
Obama!
END

"And you're gonna keep playing until I get some pictures of goddam Spiderman!!"

FADE IN:
INT. MUSIC SCHOOL CLASSROOM
Music student MILES TELLER is BEATING a DRUM SET like a LAZY CHRIS BROWN
JOKE. Suddenly, music teacher JK SIMMONS enters.
MILES TELLER
(stops playing, like a polite person)
JK SIMMONS
Why did you stop playing?
MILES TELLER
(starts playing again)
JK SIMMONS
I didn't ask you to start playing again.
MILES TELLER
Have the mind games begun already? It
seemed pretty reasonable to assume-
JK SIMMONS
Play some more.
MILES TELLER
(does)
JK SIMMONS
Stop playing.
MILES TELLER
(does)
JK SIMMONS
Do a handstand.
MILES TELLER
(does)
JK SIMMONS
Sing the national anthem of Greece in
Swahili while knitting a two-tone cravat
out of pure spider silk.
MILES TELLER
(does)
JK SIMMONS
Your sycophantic need to impress me is
disgusting. You will always be a failure.
Kill yourself.
JK leaves. MILES gains ONE FRUSTRATION POINT.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
MILES is seeing a movie with his dad, PAUL REISER.
PAUL REISER
So how are you liking music school, Miles?
MILES TELLER
It's terrible. I blew my one and only
chance with JK Simmons, the greatest
bandleader in the history of audible
noise. I should just resign myself to a
lifetime of being a devastatingly superior
drummer, rather than an incredibly
superior drummer.
PAUL REISER
Oh well. You could always join a rock
band.
MILES TELLER
Don't even say the R-word around me. Jazz
drumming is Dom Perignon in a gilded
chalice, rock drumming is a diarrhea
smoothie.
PAUL REISER
You're kind of a pretentious cunt, aren't
you? We gotta get you a Manic Pixie Dream
Girl to make you more human.
MELISSA BENOIST
(waving from the concession stand)
Sup.
MILES TELLER
Alright fine, I'll give her a shot. But
I'm dumping her ass if she even breathes
the words "Neil Peart".
MILES goes to school and plays in his SHITTY FRESHMAN BAND CLASS. JK
appears at the DOOR.
JK SIMMONS
Listen up, maggots. I'm looking for
non-shitty players for my big boy band.
Remember, the music industry is a fetid
cesspool of cutthroat executives,
corporate sellouts, and the rare
earnestly-talented artist who inevitably
gets exploited by hangers on, screwed out
of iTunes money, or maintains their
integrity right up until they join the 27
Club. And if I flunk you out of my band,
which I will do if I so match as smell a
mistimed fart, you will never get to work
there and have to settle for the hell of
having a stable job in a better industry.
Now go ahead, make my day.
The BAND plays their FUCKING HEARTS OUT.
JK SIMMONS
You should all jump off the first
available bridge. Miles, you should still
jump off a bridge, but I'll allow you to
try to survive my band class first. Be
there at exactly 5AM tomorrow. Bring your
sheet music and a healthy dose of
Stockholm Syndrome.
MILES TELLER
Sure thing, boss man! Since this is my
big chance that I'm obsessively fixated on
seizing with all the single-minded
intensity of a psychotic perfectionist, I
can't imagine what kind of crazy
circumstances could possibly come up that
would stop me from showing up at five
o'clock right on the button.
(just oversleeps for no reason)
INT. PRACTICE ROOM
MILES sprints into the room SUPER LATE, only to find JK was lying and
rehearsals don't even start until nine.
MILES TELLER
Shucks, another one of JK's classic
mindfucks intended to drill home an
important lesson. The lesson in question
appears to be "JK Simmons is a sadistic
prick".
MILES tunes his drums while the rest of the band shuffle in, followed by
JK.
JK SIMMONS
All right everybody, so far today's
rehearsal has been like inhaling fire ants
through my ears, and all of your families
have stopped loving you. Now let's see
how much further you can fuck things up
once you start actually playing.
The band PLAYS for about a BAR AND A HALF.
JK SIMMONS
HOLD IT! YOU, FAT TROMBONE PLAYER, YOU
WERE OFF KEY BY HALF AN IMAGINARY
SEMITONE, FUCK OFF OUT OF MY BAND! GO EAT
SOME ACTUAL MUSICAL TALENT YOU LARDASS
PIECE OF SHIT!!
The TROMBONE PLAYER goes home in tears.
JK SIMMONS
Ha ha, joke's on him, he was actually
completely on key! But the fact that he
didn't know that he was on key shows he
was a tone-deaf incompetent, so fuck him.
FLAUTIST
But sir, even the most gifted music
student in the world might start to doubt
their own ears if a noted authority on
music kept screaming about how badly-
JK SIMMONS
SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU. No
seriously, stop talking or doing things or
being on screen when possible, from here
on out I refuse to so much as acknowledge
the existence of band members who aren't
drummers. Miles, that's your cue to
dazzle us. I'm sure you'll do great,
buddy!
(smiles, gives thumbs-up)
MILES TELLER
Why are you trying to lower my defences by
acting all buddy-buddy right now? It's
not like I'd buy it for one second after
you've been a total raging asshole every
second of the movie so far.
JK SIMMONS
Maybe not, but it'll set up some neat
trailer moments at least. Now come on,
play.
MILES TELLER
(plays fantastically)
JK SIMMONS
Not bad, but it's a bit off tempo.
MILES TELLER
(plays amazingly)
JK SIMMONS
Pretty good. Still a bit wonky.
MILES TELLER
(plays perfectly)
JK SIMMONS
You're a third of a micron of a temporal
unit off the rhythm I just made up in my
head. Try again.
MILES TELLER
(plays flawlessly)
JK SIMMONS
That's great! And by great I mean
(whips a goddam chair at Miles' head)
MILES TELLER
What the fuck, dude! You're lucky I have
lightning-fast drummer reflexes or else
I'd be out a frontal lobe and you'd be
knee deep in a lawsuit.
JK SIMMONS
What the fuck did you just fucking say
about me, you little bitch!? I’ll have
you know I graduated top of my class at
Julliard, and I’ve been involved in
numerous renditions of Duke Ellington and
John Coltrane, and I have over 300
performed shows!!! I am trained in jazz
piano and I’m the top conductor in the
entire US music industry! You are nothing
to me but just another intern!! I will
wipe you the fuck out with precision the
likes of which has never been seen before
in this conservatory, mark my fucking
words!!!!
MILES TELLER
Wow. You're like the lovechild of Gordon
Ramsay and the drill sergeant from Full
Metal Jacket. I wonder if it's too late
to switch to tuba.
IT IS. MILES gains THREE FRUSTRATION POINTS.
INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR
MILES is on a date with MELISSA.
MELISSA BENOIST
So what do you do?
MILES TELLER
I eat, sleep and breath drumming. Every
minute of every day I have that sweet
rhythm in my head. I've never once
doubted my conviction to the ancient art
of the cymbals and skins. I'm so rhythmic
I make metronomes cry. I masturbate in
compound meter.
MELISSA BENOIST
Huh. Well I'm undeclared at the moment.
MILES TELLER
Really? You mean you didn't pick a
lifelong obsession before you were old
enough to buy tobacco?
MELISSA BENOIST
Nah. I'm exploring my options like a
normal twenty year old.
MILES TELLER
Fascinating.
MILES LOSES a FRUSTRATION POINT.
INT. BAND COMPETITION
MILES is practicing before the BIG SHOW. The main drummer, NATE LANG,
approaches him.
NATE LANG
Hey, intern. Hold my sheet music for a
few minutes.
MILES TELLER
(loses sheet music)
NATE LANG
Dammit Miles, you've screwed me! While
I've done nothing but practice this
setlist intensely day and night for the
past several months, I can't play any of
it from memory due to a convenient
neurological condition the screenwriter
just pulled out of his ass!
JK SIMMONS
Nate, I'm disgusted that you'd delegate
your tasks to this brain-dead chimpanzee.
Miles, you're on the main drums. I really
hope you memorized literally everything
we're going to play.
MILES TELLER
Yeah that's great, but first could we
actually explain what did happen to the
sheet music? It's not like I misplaced
it, I put it in a specific place and then
while my back was turned for two seconds
it straight up vanished. Did somebody
think it'd be fun to steal a random bunch
of drum charts? Did the thing just
sublimate into the aether?
(pause)
Oops, I nearly had a thought about
something other than my obsession with
drumming. Time to go drum some drumming
on my drums!
MILES plays the concert and kills it!
JK SIMMONS
Okay, you're main drummer now.
MILES TELLER
Approval! Sweet approval! After months
of literal blood, sweat and tears I've
finally managed to painstakingly claw my
way up to-
JK SIMMONS
On second thoughts I'm giving lead drums
to some random goober I found outside.
AUSTIN STOWELL
(trips over drum set, knocks self out)
JK SIMMONS
Genius!
MILES TELLER
Okay, seriously, how far are these mind
games going to go? This guy's obviously
just here to make me jealous, there's no
chance in hell you'd actually put him in
on stage.
JK SIMMONS
OH I AM GOING TO DROP YOU LIKE THE BASS!!!
JK tortures MILES, AUSTIN, and NATE for HOURS by making them PRACTICE
until they BLEED all over the DRUMS.
JK SIMMONS
Okay, you're all failures and if the
building was on fire I'd save the drums
first. But Miles, you were half a planck
unit less pathetic than the other two. I
shall allow you to continue to exist.
INT. ICE CREAM PARLOR
MILES is on another date with MELISSA.
MILES TELLER
Listen, Melissa. We have to break up.
It's not you, it's me. Actually, it's
totally you. Because you're not a drum
set. Can you become one?
MELISSA BENOIST
No.
MILES TELLER
Then I just don't think we have a future
together.
MELISSA BENOIST
Really? You're rejecting my Manic Pixie
Dream Girl affections so you can keep
torturing yourself for the approval of a
man who reads Chinese parenting manuals
for teaching tips? Seriously, that guy
makes Tywin Lannister look like Mr.
Rogers. JK Simmons saw V for Vendetta and
went "Huh, I wonder if the PTA would let
me get away with that." You really think
this is the guy who can turn you into the
next Buddy Rich?
MILES TELLER
Sorry, what? I was too busy counting out
the syncopations in your nagging.
MELISSA BENOIST
Choke on a drumstick.
MILES gains TEN FRUSTRATION POINTS.
INT. CONCERT HALL
MILES is taking a bus to the next BIG SHOW when his bus gets a FLAT
TIRE.
MILES TELLER
No problem, I'll just call a cab to
(walks into town)
come pick me up and take me to the
(goes through the entire car rental
process)
WHY AM I DOING THE SLOWEST THING
POSSIBLE??
He DRIVES like a MOTHERFUCKER to get there on TIME.
JK SIMMONS
Way to go, fucker. You're only fifteen
minutes early. I sure hope you brought
drumsticks.
MILES TELLER
(didn't)
JK SIMMONS
Okay, fuck this, Nate's back on the drum
set.
MILES TELLER
Really? You mean NO ONE ELSE at this
goddam JAZZ CONCERT brought a spare pair
of drumsticks? Whatever, I probably left
them, uh, in my car. Yes. Hold that drum
stool for me, as I simply have to go out
to my car for my sticks, and NOT speed
like a madman back to the car rental
place.
(sprinting out the door)
If I'm still not back in ten minutes,
well, that just means I locked myself in
my car! You probably won't believe that
asstarded lie, but that's for the best
because if you did believe it you'd have
to conclude I was a total drooling mental
defective!
JK SIMMONS
You're a drummer, people already assume
that. Ba-dum tsh!
MILES burns rubber getting back to the RENTAL PLACE. He gets his
DRUMSTICKS and starts driving back.
MILES TELLER
Okay, we're fine. I'll get there right on
time, hop on the drum set, play my heart
out, and maybe Mr. Simmons will finally be
my best friend forever, and we'll play
video games and go on walks and there will
be rabbits and I get to tend-
TRUCK
BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
MILES gets ROLLED by a goddam SEMI. He crawls out of the WRECKAGE and
STUMBLES to the PERFORMANCE.
MILES TELLER
Sorry I'm late, Mr. Simmons, I almost
died, no big deal, I'm totally ready to
give it my best, except for the fact that
I'm bleeding profusely and covered in
bruises and both my hands are numb and
probably fractured and I'm pretty sure my
neck has a bad case of WHIPLASH ha ha ha
ha anyway I'm totally ready to do some
jazz let's get started!
JK SIMMONS
While you look like you just crawled out
of your own grave and anyone can see you
probably won't make it through a tenth of
a song before your arms fall off, I'll go
ahead and let you start playing anyway
because I can't pass up an opportunity to
see you fail.
MILES begins playing INCREDIBLY WELL for somebody whose entire skeleton
has been dislocated. Which is to say he remains mostly conscious and
manages to occasionally make the drumsticks connect with the drums.
JK SIMMONS
You sicken me. You're fired.
MILES TELLER
Well just call me Mike D.
JK SIMMONS
Why?
MILES TELLER
Because I'm BUDDY RICH WHEN I FLY OFF THE
HANDLE!!!!!
MILES gains FIFTY THOUSAND FRUSTRATION POINTS which he channels into
BEATING THE SHIT out of JK SIMMONS. The other BANDMATES pull him off.
JK SIMMONS
What a pathetic attempt at violence. Half
of those uppercuts weren't even on tempo.
Get your shit together, Miles.
INT. ROOM
MILES is speaking to his FATHER and a LAWYER.
PAUL REISER
Jesus, kid, why didn't you tell me JK
Simmons was a first class nutjob?
MILES TELLER
Because I want to be the very best. Like
no one ever was.
LAWYER
You should consider suing. I represent a
family who want him fired. Their son was
a professional jazz trumpeter who
committed suicide, and they blame it on
the fact that a bunch of years previously
JK said a bunch of mean stuff to him.
MILES TELLER
That sounds exactly as flimsy as telling a
court it was JK's fault I got hurt, and
not my fault for speeding through a red
light while talking on the phone. JK was
just trying to inspire me! Through abuse!
PAUL REISER
Because that worked out so well for
Michael Jackson. Kid, be mediocre and
happy. It's time to hang up the drum
sticks.
MILES drops out of school and spends the next few months working a
SHITTY CASHIER JOB. One day he sees JK playing piano in a bar.
JK SIMMONS
So I got fired. Apparently the school
wanted an approach to education that was
more Magic School Bus and less
Machiavelli. The pansies.
MILES TELLER
But why, JK? I had talent! I could have
been the next Gene Krupa!
JK SIMMONS
All of that abuse was just to push you
into being perfect. Kids these days need
pushing, and by pushing I of course mean
constant discouragement and abuse. After
all, without a lifetime of being told he
was a worthless piece of shit, how could
Charlie Parker have ever developed his
musical genius/alcoholic depression?
MILES TELLER
True. Why, if a talented musician only
received praise and adulation their whole
life, they could only ever wind up being
mediocre, like that total hack Wolfgang
Amadeus Mozart. OF COURSE somebody can
reach their full potential without being
traumatized! And even if they couldn't,
isn't running a music program which
destroys all but the once-in-a-generation
geniuses just a bit of a psychotic-
JK SIMMONS
Jesus, you have fallen far. I can't bear
to watch this. I will admit that
somewhere deep in the gravity well of the
neutron star that is your worthlessness
there may or may not be some microscopic
shimmer of talent urging to break free.
Miles, I'm going to give you one more
chance.
MILES TELLER
(Stockholm Syndrome)
Really?
JK SIMMONS
Sure, and don't think about the fact that
last time I gave you even a little bit of
praise it was just a deceptive prelude to
trying to brain you with a chair. I'm
leading a jazz concert in a month. We're
playing all the old standards. You should
drum for us.
MILES TELLER
(getting the shakes)
Oh shit, I should really call my sponsor.
JK SIMMONS
Give in, Miles. Fall off the wagon. Take
a big snort of pure rhythm. It makes the
pain go away.
MILES TELLER
(relapsing)
I'm in. I know you're not fucking with
me, I mean after your recent career
setback you wouldn't sabotage this
important concert just to get petty
revenge, surely.
JK SIMMONS
(rubs hands slowly, cackling)
INT. CONCERT HALL
MILES is ready to perform at the show.
JK SIMMONS
All right band, before we go out there
let's just establish that this concert is
some kind of permanent no-takebacks affair
that will define your careers forever and
ever. Apparently the president of music
is in the audience or something, and if
you fuck up here then for the rest of your
life you won't be able to get hired to so
much as run a concession stand at a
Nickelback concert. Understood? All
right, let's jazz.
They go out on STAGE.
JK SIMMONS
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an
evening of classic jazz numbers that Miles
has played a billion times. But first
we're going to play a completely original
song Miles has never heard of called "Fuck
You Miles, Fuck You to Death with a
Battering Ram" by the composer HA HA HA HA
HA.
MILES TELLER
Oh you psychotic fuck.
JK SIMMONS
And a-one, and a-two!
MILES flails his way through a SONG that wasn't on the SETLIST, showing
surprisingly little improvisation skill for a virtuoso jazz musician.
For an encore he FLEES THE STAGE like a BITCH.
PAUL REISER
Alright Miles, it's over. Your career
will never recover from that. You're just
as mediocre as me. Let's go catch a
flick.
MILES TELLER
No. I'm sorry. I'm just not cut out for
mediocrity and happiness. I have to drum,
even if it means being sad and lonely and
insane.
MILES storms back ONSTAGE.
JK SIMMONS
So since I haven't had a backup drummer
come out, apparently we're fucking up the
entire concert with completely drumless
renditions of-
(notices Miles)
Oho, so the lily-livered pansy wants to go
for round two? Alright fine, let's try
some-
MILES TELLER
(drums ecstatically)
JK SIMMONS
Okay, so you're just going to play?
That's fine. I can work with-
MILES TELLER
(drums psychotically)
JK SIMMONS
Wow. I'm finding very few things I can
insult about that perform-
MILES TELLER
(drums, just, really, really, REALLY
well, for like fifteen minutes, until
he starts sweating, crying, bleeding
and orgasming all at once, and the
drums transform into massive dragons
and take wing, and he leaps towards
them wielding golden swords made of
drumsticks to do battle in the
ethereal realm that is Jazz)
JK SIMMONS
I'm not going to lie. Despite the fact
that you are a putrid wank stain floating
on the scummy surface of the human gene
pool, that was actually not the worst
thing I've ever heard.
MILES TELLER
Approval!
JK SIMMONS
Okay guys, let's play some Rush!
MILES TELLER
Dammit.
MILES gains ALL the CRAZY POINTS.
END

"There, I cut off my balls, deep-fried them, and served them as breakfast. Happy?!?"

FADE IN:
EXT. ROOFTOP
DANIEL RADCLIFFE, pining over his ex-girlfriend, sits on top of his
house looking at TORONTO.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Holy crap this is ridiculous. The CN
Tower is RIGHT THERE, how are we supposed
to pretend this is New York or
Philadelphia or…
DIRECTOR MICHAEL DOWSE
Ah, Daniel, the movie actually is set in
Toronto.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Fuck off. Really?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL DOWSE
Really. And please don't swear too much
or we might have to re-edit this whole
movie for the American distributors. In
fact, I'd better change the title so that
it doesn't even HINT at a swear word.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Are we talking about the same America that
had "S#*! My Dad Says" on network TV?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL DOWSE
Strangely, yes. But I've got it all
figured out--it'll be "The F Word" in
Canada, "What If" in the USA, and "Harry
Potter's Got a Big Blue Nutsack, Crikey!"
in Australia, unless that's too tame for
them.
INT. HOUSE PARTY
DANIEL goes to a party thrown by ADAM DRIVER. He wanders to the kitchen
and makes MAGNETIC FRIDGE POETRY, establishing that the movie takes
place between OCTOBER 17 AND 26, 1994, the only period in history when
anybody gave a shit about MAGNETIC FRIDGE POETRY. ZOE KAZAN notices.
ZOE KAZAN
That's a real quirky, offbeat, hipster
thing to be doing. Allow me to make cute,
artsy comments about it.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Only an artsy dream girl type could make
such quirky comments! We should be
offbeat and hip together.
Meanwhile, ADAM DRIVER introduces himself to MACKENZIE DAVIS.
ADAM DRIVER
Hi. Let's fuck nonstop for the rest of
time starting now.
MACKENZIE DAVIS
Sure! You know I'm not Cobie Smulders
though, right?
ADAM DRIVER
Absolutely! And you know I AM Adam
Driver, right?
MACKENZIE DAVIS
Fucking right!
They begin FUCKING. Meanwhile DANIEL walks ZOE home.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
We are ridiculously compatible, aren't we.
I mean we might even be clones, we should
have our DNA tested before things get
serious.
ZOE KAZAN
I can't wait for that! I can't fight the
uncontrollable urge to bring you back to
my place and let you eagerly suck on the
fact that I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, OH
SNAAAAAAP!!!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(balls explode)
INT. ZOE'S APARTMENT -- WEEKS LATER
ZOE invites DANIEL to a party with her boyfriend RAFE SPALL.
ZOE KAZAN
Rafe, this is Daniel, the guy I've been
doing non-stop cutesy activities with, the
kind of stuff people bond over in romantic
comedies? Daniel, this is Rafe, he's the
type of serious career successful guy that
always loses out to the scruffy loser in
romantic comedies. Have fun!
RAFE SPALL
Good to meet you, Dan. Why don't you help
me prep for dinner... Hey, could I ask
you to open that window reeeealllly wide?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
What, this enormous one behind you, that a
human could easily fit through?
RAFE SPALL
Exactly! Now if it's no trouble, please
set this tripwire so it runs beside my
ankle? Make sure it's nice and taut.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Happy to!
RAFE SPALL
And if you wouldn't mind coating my shoes
with this high-slick engine grease...
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
No problem!
RAFE SPALL
Thanks buddy, I'm sure we'll get along
great. Now to AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(plummets to death)
INT. AMBULANCE
RAFE is being rushed to HOSPITAL.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I'm still amazed he didn't actually die
from that multi-storey drop onto his head.
PARAMEDIC ENNIS ESMER
(to camera)
Hey there fans! That's right, you're not
seeing things: it's me, Ennis Esmer,
playing exactly the same role that I do on
the hit CTV series "The Listener"! Pretty
crazy right?!? Time for the Internet to
EXPLOOODE!!
(crickets)
INT. ZOE AND RAFE'S PLACE
RAFE, having completely healed, sits down with ZOE.
RAFE SPALL
Zoe, I have some big news. The director
got some money from the Irish Film Board
so we get to shoot some scenes there!
Anyway I’m going to my new job across
the ocean in ten minutes, and we’ll have
a long distance thing, sound good?
(taxi honks from outside)
ZOE KAZAN
Not really. Maybe we could have a longer
discussion about perhaps me going with
you, or some other compromise, or a
re-assessment of our life goals...
y'know, like people in an actual
relationship might do?
RAFE SPALL
Sorry what, I was busy drinking Guinness
with leprechauns OH DAAANNY BOOYYYY, OH
DAAAAAAANNY BOOYYYYYY
EXT. TORONTO
In an effort to rid his mind of dirty thoughts about ZOE, DANIEL goes on
a date with her sister MEGAN PARK, since that always works EVER SO WELL.
MEGAN PARK
I had a great time tonight. It's pretty
obvious you're hopelessly in love with
Zoe, though, so let's fuck.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(blinks)
Huh? No, look, you're great but--
MEGAN PARK
(enraged)
GREAT?!? HOW DARE YOU I HATE THAT FUCKING
WORD SO MUCH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
(beats up Daniel)
ALEXANDER THE GREAT &
THE GREAT GATSBY
Pardon us, we got caught in an
interdimensional time vortex and we were
hoping...
MEGAN PARK
OH FUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
(disembowels Gatsby)
(neck-snaps Alexander)
(changes human history, catapulting us
into a nightmarish Bizarro-world)
(Leafs win Stanley Cup)
EXT. BEACH -- YEAH TORONTO HAS BEACHES, LOOK IT UP, IT'S NOT ALL IGLOOS
AND TUNDRA UP HERE YOU KNOW
DANIEL, ZOE, ADAM, and MACKENZIE all take a trip to the beach. They
SKINNY DIP and as a hilarious prank, ADAM and MACKENZIE run off with
everyone's clothes.
ZOE KAZAN
I guess we'll just hang out naked
together. But, y’know, as friends.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Sure. Totally platonic friendly naked
time.
ZOE KAZAN
We could even stare at each others’ junk
a bit. In a friendly way.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Absolutely. FYI, my member is TOTALLY
throbbing with friendship. That’s
mutual respect bulging the veins of my
cock right now.
ZOE KAZAN
I'm glad we understand each other. Now
for warmth, let's lie adjacent in the nude
and
(falls asleep)
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(balls explode)
EXT. THE NEXT MORNING
ADAM and MACENZIE return with all the clothes.
ADAM DRIVER
Phew, you didn't die of exposure.
Wasn’t that a wacky stunt we did? So
all those awkward unspoken things between
you got completely resolved in a painless
way, am I right?
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Fuck you.
MACKENZIE DAVIS
Wait, how did that not work?!? I’d
think about making it right but Adam and I
have to start fucking again, that is all
we ever do, apparently.
INT. ZOE'S MAGIC OFFICE OF FANTASTICKAL WHIMSY
ZOE is hard at work HALLUCINATING PRETTY GLOWY FAIRYTALE APPARITIONS
when her boss approaches.
ZOE'S BOSS
Good work on the Shiny Pixie Stardust
account, Zoe. Have you thought about that
job offer from Taiwan?
ZOE KAZAN
I did, but sadly we didn't get any funding
from the Taiwan studios. So we're stuck
being an Irish/Canadian co-production,
which means I guess I'm going to Ireland
now.
EXT. IRELAND
ZOE arrives at RAFE'S apartment.
ZOE KAZAN
Surprise, I came to visit!
RAFE SPALL
(carousing)
Wha, oh, hello! Um, please allow tits to
introfuck my cock-worker, Sluttie
O'Sluttigan! Erk!
ZOE despairingly teleports back to TORONTO.
EXT. TORONTO
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
I realize now, I must tell Zoe I love her!
DANIEL teleports to IRELAND and finds RAFE.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Hi, is this a good time to derail your
long-term relationship?
RAFE SPALL
Fuck you!
(punches Daniel)
DANIEL teleports back to TORONTO and finds ZOE in their favourite diner.
ZOE KAZAN
What the fuck, did Ireland switch places
with Scarborough in this universe? That
whole sequence seemed to happen in one
afternoon.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Never mind that! I love you Zoe!!
ZOE KAZAN
What!? You mean all this time you were
only pretending to like me for who I am!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
No, that's not true at all. I DO like you
for who you are, so much so, that I love
you.
ZOE KAZAN
And so what, you've just been respecting
my choices and not forcing romantic
intentions where they aren't wanted?!?
Fuck off, you horrible jerk!
(runs out)
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
(balls explode)
INT. ANOTHER PARTY AT ADAM DRIVER'S PLACE
DANIEL and ZOE, having avoided each other for months, both come to the
party, just like the original party they met at, because NARRATIVE
SYMMETRY!!!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Zoe, I heard you accepted that offscreen
job in Taiwan. So I... got you a
going-away present.
ZOE KAZAN
Aw, that's sweet. I actually got you
something too.
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Here you are, it's... a triple-deep-fried
pound of meat on grease-bread with lard
sauce and extra sweatcheese. It's
literally the most disgusting food ever
created and is considered a war crime in
42 countries. Please, accept this
offering.
ZOE KAZAN
Oh wow, I got you... the same thing!
We're destined for each other after all!
Kiss me!
At long last, they share their first KISS next to the enormous slab of
juice-oozing deli slop.
END
INT. BIG-TIME BIG-MONEY DISTRIBUTION OFFICES
DISTRIBUTORS
Woah, wait, what just happened?!? Like
they kissed but then what?!?? So
confuuuuused!! Quick, add another scene!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
But, we finished filming ages ago.
Everyone has moved on and spread out
across the globe and...
DISTRIBUTORS
SOOOO CONFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSED
INT. / EXT. BONUS EXPLANATORY SCENE
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
Oh hello Zoe who is MY WIFE because WE GOT
MARRIED. It sure is nice to be IN LOVE
AND MARRIED TO EACH OTHER.
CUTOUT OF ZOE KAZAN
(with voiceover)
Yes I also am quite pleased with being IN
LOVE AND MARRIED TO YOU.
ADAM DRIVER AND
MACKENZIE DAVIS
(splitscreen, in respective living
rooms)
WE ARE ALSO STILL MARRIED AND IN LOVE
DANIEL RADCLIFFE
So I hope everybody now understands which
characters are IN LOVE AND MARRIED.
VACATION PHOTO OF RAFE
SPALL
(voiceover)
Presumably I remain an UNMARRIED DONKEY
FUCKER.
DISTRIBUTORS
WAY BETTER THANKZ
END

"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and who's emission was like that of horses" -Ezekiel 23:20

FADE IN:
INT. MARRIAGE COUSENLING CLINIC FOR POOR PEOPLE
JURNEE SMOLETT-BELL
Welcome to my counseling clinic. For this
portion of the clinic, I'm going to ask
for all men to leave... Now that it's
just us girls, I have one word of advice:
Stop cheating on your husband or God will
smite you with his unforgiving plagues of
righteousness.
CONFUSED WOMAN
Um, what?
JURNEE SMOLETT-BELL
Confusion is four of the seven deadly
sins. The other three is whore. Do you
know what that equals? Six. Six. Six.
So gather round concubines of the night,
apples of the Adam, Cains of the Abel. I
shall tell you a tale...
INT. RURAL TOWN - SOME YEARS EARLIER
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL and LANCE GROSS are high school sweethearts.
LANCE GROSS
We've been inseparable since we were five
years old. Let me make our love eternal
in the eyes of God and man. Will you make
me the happiest man since Abraham begot
his only son, Isaac, father of the
Israelites?
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Lance, are you trying to ask me to marry
you? Of course I will, lover. Alas, my
mom is an old crabby, religious twat.
She'll probably say we can't.
JURNEE'S mom, ELLA JOYCE, is Flanders-ing around the church when the two
young lovers approach.
LANCE GROSS
I want to marry your daughter and move
away to Washington D.C. where I can run a
pharmacy.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Please mom? I want to move there too and
open my own marriage counseling clinic.
ELLA JOYCE
These are pipe dreams of the young and
stupid that are bound to fall apart in an
sexually transmitted mix-um-up. Of course
you can!
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Yay! Now all of my dreams will come true.
As long as I stay on the straight and
narrow path that only certain
denominations define as uncompromising
rules of ethics loosely based on
scripture, I should be fine.
ELLA JOYCE
That'a girl. Live every Friday like it's
Good Friday.
JURNEE and LANCE move to Washington D.C. while the MOVIE glazes over the
years of thankless and grueling education it takes to become a therapist
and pharmacist.
INT. SHABBY APARTMENT
The small APARTMENT looks as FRUITLESS as the barren fig tree Jesus
withered out of spite. GOD HATES FIGS!
LANCE GROSS
Here we are, my lamb. Washington D.C.:
the land of milk, honey, and
gentrification.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
This crummy shit hole? I was expecting a
mansion by the time I was 24 years old.
You're the worst husband. At least Lot's
wife morphed into a salt pillar when she
looked at the butt-fucked place she had to
stay.
LANCE GROSS
It's not that bad, my love. I am working
extra hours at the pharmacy to make ends
meet. Soon I'll have enough to fund the
private therapy clinic you want so badly.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Fuck you. Jesus, now I'm late for my
insufferable job where I work for a
multimillionaire investor. Some might
call it a "dream job" but they don't know
the suffering of a 24-year-old whose life
doesn't mirror unrealistic expectations.
JURNEE storms off.
INT. FANCY OFFICE
KIM KARDASHIAN is wearing $2,500 worth of harlot attire that would make
Mary Magdalene blush.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
I'm not sure what either of us do here at
this millionaire's investment firm, but
dressing like you're perpetually an extra
in a rap video seems to be working for
you.
KIM KARDASHIAN
Kim Kardashian dresses in the finest Louis
Gucci Versace. Bitch, have you been
keeping up? I'm Kim Kardashian. You
know, from the show about Kim Kardashian
and her less famous family? Let me show
you how it's done. Step one: latch onto a
successful man. Step two: wallow in
undeserved riches. Step three: fuck the
haters/Jesus.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Your worship of fame, money, and false
idols is perfect casting. You're too dumb
to understand the subtext and too lazy to
read the entire script.
KIM KARDASHIAN
Reading is for ugly girls. Anyway, there
is a super hot millionaire who wants our
boss to invest in his start-up app thingy
for telephone computers. It's like a
network for social interactions. Like
Twitter but also, not at all like
Twitter... Maybe if a school bus fire had
a baby with Instagram but with more
pedophiles. I think he calls it
"BeelzeHub".
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
I wish my husband were a millionaire.
KIM KARDASHIAN
Bitch. People have had headaches that
lasted longer and were more sexually
satisfying than my first marriage.
Sometimes Jurnee has to do Jurnee.
A handsome, young MILLIONAIRE walks into the office.
ROBBIE JONES
Excuse me, I'm looking for investors and
anyone else interested in faustian...
Err. I mean REGULAR bargains.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Thanks to Kim Kardashian's little-to-no
persuading, I'm in the market for cheating
on my dead-beat pharmacist husband with a
rich businessman.
ROBBIE JONES
Girl, you best build an ark, because I'm
gonna make it rain.
JURNEE and ROBBIE fly off on a plane for a "business trip" to Paris or
somewhere equally expensive. The trip is for app phone related business
ONLY.
INT. PHARMACY
LANCE GROSS reads scripture to pass time in the pharmacy because
BUSINESS IS SLOW. BRANDY NORWOOD enters with a filled out application.
LANCE GROSS
It looks like you have all the
qualifications. The only problem is that
you forgot to fill out the "Enigmatic
Sexual History" section of your
application.
BRANDY NORWOOD
I would rather allude to it rather than
stating it outright. It has to do with my
sins and the consequences of sinners.
Specifically the consequences of my immune
system via my genitals.
LANCE GROSS
I think you'll fit in here just fine.
INT. AIRPLANE
JURNEE and ROBBIE are flying back from their "business trip". The
subject of sex comes up as NATURALLY as apes evolving into man over
millions of years (unnaturally).
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
That trip was full of business.
ROBBIE JONES
Have you ever had sex on the trunk of a
female Indian Elephant while she was in
heat and look up to the harvest moon as it
cascades azure sonatas on your naked
flesh?
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
HA! My flaccid excuse for a husband only
porks me in the shitty apartment he bought
in order to support my selfish dreams.
ROBBIE JONES
Are you serious? He only porks you in the
house? Has he porked you with a mouse?
Has he porked you in the air?
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
He doesn't pork me anywhere.
ROBBIE then COVETS thy neighbors wife, JURNEE, on the PLANE.
INT. SHABBY APARTMENT
LANCE GROSS
How was your business trip? Businessy as
usual?
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Um, yes. I definitely got the business...
taken care of. I sure did get busy...
with all the paperwork. Anyway, I am
tuckered out from getting it on with a new
man...ner of streamlining we're using to
pull potential investors.
LANCE GROSS
I trust you implicitly. I hired a new
cashier at the pharmacy. Oh, and your
mother called. She is coming to stay with
us for a few days.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
God, you're so BORING! I have to work
late tonight. Don't stay up.
She LEAVES
INT. ROBBIE'S MANSION
ROBBIE JONES
I knew you'd come. Look what I have in
store for you.
CUTS UP lines of COCAINE
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
What is that powder? Did you buy that
from a gay?
ROBBIE JONES
This is cocaine, 100% Puerto Rican
Fratricide, Paris Hilton's Continental
Breakfast, Louisiana Carpet-burn, Knight
Rider's Taint.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
That's enough of that.
ROBBIE JONES
Agreed. Let's put this in our faces and
bone in my hot tub.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
You had me at Knight Rider's Taint.
They BONE in the HOT TUB. Making HOT TUB SEX look enjoyable is perhaps
the MOST TENABLE MISAPPREHENSION this movie perpetuates.
INT. SHABBY APARTMENT
JURNEE'S mom, ELLA JOYCE, is up waiting for her daughter's arrival.
JURNEE stumbles in.
ELLA JOYCE
Where have you been, young lady? It's two
in the morning. You know what they say
about the devil after midnight?
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
(sniffles)
I don't give two fucks about the devil
idioms right now. Why don't you go pray
for your fat ass to find you a real man?
ELLA JOYCE
The hell has gotten into you? Whatchu
sniffling for. Let me see your face.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Mom, you know exactly what I'm on. SIN!
ELLA JOYCE
(Throws water)
The power of Christ compels you!
ROBBIE JONES ENTERS. ROBBIE sees the God powers at work and (for real)
UPPERCUTS ELLA JOYCE's punk ass like she was reaching for the last
BluRay player on Black Friday. ROBBIE and JURNEE shriek off into the
NIGHT.
INT. NIGHTCLUB: HELL
FIRE ILLUMINATES the sinful nightclub. Ladies drink free till 10. The
AIR REEKS of drugs, bisexuals, and Harry Potter. JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
is limp from the power the ROBBIE JONES has cast over her. LANCE GROSS
enters.
LANCE GROSS
My love! What dark spell has this demon
cast upon you?
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
(laughs in the tongue of ten
thousand dead pharaohs)
ROBBIE JONES
Blind. Driven by darkness. I am her god
now.
LANCE GROSS
Baby, I forgive you. Please just come
back with me.
ROBBIE JONES
Foolish mortal. Your passionate praises
for a woman fall on deaf ears. Your
compassion and lack of dick waving has
lost you your wife. God himself mocks
your insignificant genitalia. "No one
whose testicles are crushed or whose male
organ is cut off shall enter the assembly
of the Lord." -Deuteronomy 23:1
After receiving a burn from the FATHER OF FLAME, LANCE GROSS impotently
limps into the night.
INT. PHARMACY - THE NEXT MORNING
BRANDY NORWOOD
You don't look so good.
LANCE GROSS
Have you ever had one of those nights
where you find out your wife is a drug
addict who is sleeping with the living
embodiment of the fallen angel, Lucifer?
BRANDY NORWOOD
You have no idea. I've been meaning to
tell you. I used to date this guy. He
gave me the devil's howdya-do. Yes, I'm
talking about the HIV. His name was...
ROBBIE JONES!
RECORD SCRATCH!
LANCE GROSS
Have you ever had one of those mornings,
after finding out your wife was non-kosher
porking the Anti-Christ, only to find out
the inevitable? HIV and the devil are one
in the same?
BRANDY NORWOOD
I feel that everyday. But in hindsight, I
can only blame myself for getting the
AIDS. I knew he was a bad guy. I knew he
was cheating on me, and I still slept with
him. That makes contracting a life
threatening virus completely, 100% my
fault.
THIS IS COMPLETELY, 100% THE ACTUAL MORAL OF THE STORY.
INT. MARRIAGE COUSENLING CLINIC FOR POOR PEOPLE - PRESENT DAY
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
Now do you see the error of your ways? I
know you're Frenching the devil's baguette
all over town. Bitches being adulterous
is literally the only reason anyone would
be in a marriage counseling clinic.
Am I right, LADIES? #Gamergate
CONFUSED WOMAN
Fuck me. You nailed it. You are the most
right anyone has ever been. The only way
to not get AIDS is to only fuck my
husband, as Jesus intended.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
And no butt stuff. But that's pretty much
implied. Now that I have shown you the
error and inevitable consequence of your
ways, I must excuse myself...
EXT. THE PHARMACY - PRESENT DAY
The Pharmacy is booming with business. A sickly woman enters.
JURNEE SMOLLETT-BELL
May I have some more HIV medication
please?
LANCE GROSS
The usual? Sure thing. Even though God
has rewarded me with a money pumping
pharmacy and a new non-HIV wife, I remain
humble. Your punishment for being kinda
slutty for a couple of days is directly
proportional to your sins.
GOD
(high-fives Tyler Perry)
That's how life works!
GOD and TYLER PERRY throw on their bitchin' shades and dance to MONTELL
JORDAN'S "THIS IS HOW WE DO IT". They fade into darkness as the credits
roll.
CREDITS ROLL
CRITICS
Mr. Perry, some say that correlating HIV
to morality is reductive and misleading.
Others say you're merely pandering to a
small group of misinformed, science
denying, Bible thumpers.
TYLER PERRY
This film was simply a postlude from my
cinematic exploration of non-violent
convicts serving life in prison without
the possibility of parole. The vast
majority of which come from an
impoverished background and are usually
Hispanic or African American. It
expressed the loneliness of prison life
alongside a commentary of the broken
prison system in the United States.
CRITICS
Yes, I'm familiar with Madea's Witness
Protection. Any plans for the future?
TYLER PERRY
I'm planning on capturing the essence of
the more subtle nuances derived from
String and Chaos Theory in a love letter
to Kubrick's 2001. I call it, "Tyler
Perry Presents: Tyler Perry's 'Madea
Orbizzles Space n' Shit' Tyler Perry".
END.

FADE IN:
INT. PARTY
FELICITY JONES is attending the most G-RATED college party of ALL TIME.
FELICITY JONES
Goodness me, this is dry. I thought
college was all about puking into the
toilet while high-fiving your friend
receiving oral in the shower five feet
away.
FELICITY’S FRIEND
Oh heavens no, we don’t go for that
stuff in jolly old England. Now let’s
get you a randy old hubby with a frightful
big knob for a bit of the old how’s your
father.
But FELICITY has eyes only for EDDIE REDMAYNE. She walks over to him.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Greetings, human female. Shall we
converse?
FELICITY JONES
I’m not sure. Do we have anything in
common?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Well, I am a physics student working on my
PhD in scientific theories so complex
we’re not even going to attempt to
explain them to audience, even in a
nonsensical, watered-down “Beautiful
Mind” kind of way.
FELICITY JONES
And I am an artsy type with a deep passion
for ancient poetry by dead authors whose
names you couldn’t even pronounce.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
I’m rake thin and buck-toothed. I look
like I spent too long in the dryer.
FELICITY JONES
And I’m fucking gorgeous, albeit in the
kind of chaste, youthful way that you’d
feel fine showing off to your mother.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
I’m a staunch atheist and always have
been. The movie’s going to make it look
like I struggle with this idea sometimes
but even at 73 years old, after having
spent half a century unable to lift a soup
soon to my face, I’m just as godless as
ever.
FELICITY JONES
And I go to church once in a while. We
really have nothing in common at all, do
we?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Nope. We should fall in love immediately.
FELICITY JONES
Right this instant.
They DO. EDDIE invites FELICITY over to dinner with his FAMILY.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
So, Felicity, now that I’ve trapped you
into an awkward dinner with strangers,
would you please go to the prom with me?
FELICITY JONES
Rather than embarrass you in front of your
whole family, I shall say yes. I also
bizarrely find this entrapment endearing.
Now to counter with an awkward question of
my own: why don’t you believe in God,
Eddie?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
For the exact same reason emergency room
doctors don’t believe in chakras and
stock brokers don’t rely on Magic Eight
Balls. But I find your extremely
personal, mildly confrontational question
adorable.
FELICITY JONES
(lovingly)
Fuck you, you loveable atheist turd.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
(enthralled)
I love you too, you delusional Luddite
cunt.
INT. CLASSROOM
EDDIE is listening to a lecture by DAVID THEWLIS.
DAVID THEWLIS
Eddie, you’re as brilliant as you are
spindly. But I’m concerned you lack
focus. You simply must pick a topic for
your PhD.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Nah. I got girls on the brain.
DAVID THEWLIS
Damn. Another physicist seduced away by
the allures of free pussy. Because you
just know physics dorks are drowning in
the stuff. Well, you should come with me
to a math lecture next week. You might
find it illuminating in that “flash of
inspiration” way that movies always
depict scientific discoveries which in
reality take months or years of diligent
work to uncover.
EDDIE goes to the LECTURE, which is being taught by CHRISTIAN MCKAY.
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
So, students, as you can see by this
simplistic chalk drawing, the universe is
made of spirals and spirals have
beginnings. And therefore the universe
has a beginning or something. All of this
math here also suggests that black holes
are things that are also spirals, and
therefore black holes must be at the
beginnings of things.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
My goodness! It’s all so clear now!
EDDIE goes home and begins SCIENCING! He is confronted by his fictional
roommate HARRY LLOYD.
HARRY LLOYD
Look, Ed, I know everyone was saying you
were a lazy jag a few minutes ago, but now
I’m convinced you’re far too focused.
You need to get out and have more fun.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
No, Harry, you don’t understand! I’ve
discovered that something something black
holes, something something radiation, blah
blah spirals, blah blah math!
HARRY LLOYD
Fascinating. How?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Who the fuck cares? Kitchen sink drama,
now THAT’s where the Oscars are at.
EDDIE goes to PROM with FELICITY. They spin around because SPIRALS and
then KISS.
EXT. SCHOOL
EDDIE is walking to class.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
My oh my, what a beautiful day! The birds
are singing, the sun is shining, and all
is right with the world! I’m so chuffed
I could just sing! A spoonful of sugar
helps the-
LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE
FUCK YOUR HAPPINESS.
LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE punches EDDIE straight in the BOLLOCKS. He
collapses to the ground and HITS his HEAD.
INT. OUR LADY OF THE DRAWN-OUT MONTAGE MEDICAL CENTER
EDDIE MONTAGES his way through a battery of MEDICAL TESTS in the
HOSPITAL from SAW.
DOCTOR
Eddie, I hate to tell you this, but you
have a terrible illness.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Are you sure I didn’t just catch it in
one of your dirty-ass recovery rooms?
Seriously, I get that we’re going for a
somber, oppressive vibe here but this
place can NOT be sanitary.
DOCTOR
I’m sorry but no, it’s a motor neuron
disease. It attacks your muscles and
facial expressions while simultaneously
elevating your chances at winning an
Oscar. It’s fatal. You have two years
to live.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Tell me doctor, does it also affect the
indomitable will of the human spirit?
DOCTOR
Only time will tell, Eddie. Only time
will tell…
Despondent, EDDIE throws himself into his SCIENCING and attempts to
sever contact with FELICITY. She goes to see him.
FELICITY JONES
Hey buddy, how you doing?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Oh you know, just dying. Slowly.
FELICITY JONES
Well, stiff upper lip and all that. How
about a game of croquet?
EDDIE fails at CROQUET.
FELICITY JONES
Look, Eddie, I love you in spite of your
poor croquet skills. I don’t care that
you’ll be dead in two years. We should
marry immediately.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Right-o. Also, let’s have a kid. Sure,
it’s a bit irresponsible, having
children just as their father is likely to
die, possibly subjecting them to the same
horrible, poorly-understood disease. But
fuck it, babies are cute.
They MARRY and have a KID.
INT. CLASSROOM
Full of renewed vigor, EDDIE decides he must finish his PhD.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
(barging in during a lecture)
David! I wish to do my thesis on time!
DAVID THEWLIS
Okay. What about time, specifically?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Oh, you know, just the general
timey-wimeyness of it all.
DAVID THEWLIS
I’m positive the actual Stephen
Hawking’s thesis was more complicated
than that but eh, if we get into string
theory we’ll be here all night. Fine.
Do your thesis on “time”, whatever the
fuck that means.
EDDIE does! He returns, now using CRUTCHES, to deliver his THESIS.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
And so, gentlemen, if we take the
mathematical illiteracy of films like
Armageddon and combine it with the awkward
“spiral in a coffee cup” imagery from
Darren Aronofsky’s Pi, we must determine
that spirals are everywhere and therefore
so are black holes or something. Thank
you for your time.
DAVID THEWLIS
Well I’m jolly well convinced.
CHRISTIAN MCKAY
Me too. You’re right on the money.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Wow. Science is easy! I wonder if my
wife’s having this much fun.
INT. HAWKING HOUSEHOLD
Having spent the past few years RAISING TWO CHILDREN on her own, as well
as helping her RAPIDLY DETERIORATING HUSBAND not DIE every time he tries
to SWALLOW SOMETHING, FELICITY’s STIFF UPPER LIP is starting to
FALTER.
FELICITY JONES
Mother, I feel the rumblings of something
resembling regret and dissatisfaction at
this life of domestic hell I’ve chosen
over my own career. Some moms can barely
raise one kid without five nannies and a
Xanax prescription and somehow I’m
managing two of them, plus dealing with a
man who routinely makes the laws of the
universe his bitch while wholly relying on
me for everything from getting up the
stairs to using the toilet to not randomly
choking on phlegm at any moment.
EMILY WATSON
Yes, it really does seem like you’re
getting the raw end of the deal here
despite your husband’s crippling
disease. Have you considered joining the
church choir?
FELICITY JONES
(actual line)
Mother, I do believe that’s the most
British thing anyone’s ever said.
EMILY WATSON
Oh come now, there’s nothing a small
dose of Jesus can’t solve. Not too much
though, what would the neighbors think?
FELICITY goes to church and meets the CHOIR DIRECTOR, CHARLIE COX.
CHARLIE COX
Ooh, a potential kindred spirit! Tell me
your woes.
FELICITY JONES
I have to be supermom times fifty every
single day while also playing caretaker to
my rapidly-deteriorating, wheelchair-bound
genius of a husband.
CHARLIE COX
Fascinating. I’m a widower myself.
I’m lonely, great with kids, handsome,
musically talented, unfailingly polite,
and now want only to lessen your load.
FELICITY JONES
Brilliant! My very own Manic Pixie Dream
Dude! We should montage together
immediately!
CHARLIE is welcomed into the Hawking family with OPEN ARMS! He teachers
their kids PIANO, helps carry EDDIE around, plays with the KIDS, and
generally does all the things FATHERS usually do. He and FELICITY also
stare longingly at each other in the KITCHEN, which is BRITISH CODE for
THEY WANT TO PORK LIKE HAMSTERS. The whole family sits down for dinner.
CHARLIE COX
So, Eddie, you used the word “God” in
your last piece of writing. Does that
mean you’re converting to the one true
faith?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Not even slightly. I use God as a
metaphor frequently in my works. This has
absolutely no bearing on my belief system,
it’s simply a convenient turn of phrase.
I mean
(winking)
Who knows what’s out there?
CHARLIE COX
Well I’m glad you two have God as part
of your relationship. A point of constant
tension in your relationship, but hey, at
least you got Jesus in there somewhere.
Later, FELICITY gives birth to their THIRD CHILD. At a HAWKING FAMILY
BARBEQUE, she is confronted by EDDIE’S MOTHER.
EDDIE’S MOM
Felicity, we’re a bit concerned about
the closeness of your relationship with
Charlie, and the fact that you’re still
pumping out kids even though your husband
could best be described as a jellyfish in
a suit.
FELICITY JONES
Well as Harry Lloyd so helpfully
established a few scenes ago, Eddie’s
genitals are not affected by the motor
neuron disease and are in perfect working
order. Yes, that’s right, we can’t be
bothered to discuss Stephen Hawking’s
groundbreaking theories, but his boners
are a ripe for dramatic exploitation.
FELICITY speaks to EDDIE.
FELICITY JONES
Eddie dear, I need some time away from you
for the first time in forever. Do you
think you can survive long enough for me
and Charlie to pop off for a quick camping
trip?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
How completely unsuspicious. Have fun
babe!
BIZARRELY, FELICITY and CHARLIE do not BANG while away from EDDIE. GOD
still punishes them for their CARNAL THOUGHTS, however, by giving EDDIE
a life-threatening dose of PNEUMONIA and putting him into a COMA.
FELICITY JONES
God fucking dammit, Eddie. One fucking
weekend, that’s all I wanted.
DOCTOR
I’m sorry, Felicity. Eddie’s time has
come.
FELICITY JONES
Yes, the audience is just on the edge of
their seats waiting to see if the
currently-living Stephen Hawking will
survive this medical emergency. Just give
him the robot voice already.
EDDIE gets a TRACHEOTOMY. The family struggles with this for exactly
ONE SCENE before EDDIE gets his SPEAK AND SPELL and is FINE FOREVER.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Wow, this is awesome. We’re using
Hawking’s actual voice here, aren’t
we?
FELICITY JONES
Yes. It’s really not that impressive.
The guy was on the Simpsons four goddam
times. It’s not THAT hard to get him to
spend a weekend in a recording booth.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Well now that I have this state-of-the-art
new robo-voice, I’m immediately going to
roll around the room going “Exterminate.
Exterminate.” I don’t even care if we
pulled this scene out of our asses, it’s
hilarious. Also, Felicity, I think it’s
time we broke up.
FELICITY JONES
Why?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
I’ve fallen in love with one of my
nurses, and you obviously still have
feelings for Charlie. We had a good
couple of decades together but this really
is the best option for both of us.
FELICITY JONES
But Eddie, we’ve gone through so much
together and I-
(disappears, leaving a cloud of dust
behind her)
INT. LECTURE HALL
Having finally evolved into the STEPHEN HAWKING most people are only
aware of because they saw him on BIG BANG THEORY, EDDIE gives a lecture
in America.
STUDENT
So, Eddie, what’s the universe like?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
It’s big and spiraly. There are many
spirals in the universe.
OTHER STUDENT
And what about black holes?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Those are also things that are spirals.
Therefore, they are the universe.
OTHER OTHER STUDENT
And what about God? Have you come around
on the big guy?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Jesus, will you people quit it with the
God thing? I don’t believe in Buddha,
Zeus, Allah, Thor, Xenu, Osiris, Satan,
Yahweh, Galactus, or Gaia any more than I
believe in Elsa from Frozen.
STUDENT
But he COULD be out there, right?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
No.
STUDENT
Maybe just a little bit?
EDDIE REDMAYNE
No.
STUDENT
That’s pretty narrow-minded of you.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
It’s pretty narrow-minded of you that
you don’t believe in the purple
crocodile demon I just invented.
There’s the exact same amount of proof.
I mean, ugh, fine, maybe there’s
something resembling a god somewhere.
Whatever gets you off my case.
Having conquered physics, EDDIE receives the highest honor any BRITISH
PERSON can ACHIEVE. He gets to meet the QUEEN. He also reunites with
FELICITY.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Well things seem to be working out for
both of us. We really are better as close
friends now than we ever were as lovers.
FELICITY JONES
Yeah. But just to completely muddle that
point, let’s have a big backwards
montage where we zoom all the way back to
the party where we first fell in love.
Because we both know that was the defining
moment of our lives and not any of the
theories you pioneered, or any of the
children I raised, or my meeting the man
I’m currently in love with.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
Yes. Truly ours is a love story that will
endure for all time. Because of spirals
or something.
FELICITY JONES
Spirals and god.
EDDIE REDMAYNE
(sighing)
END

You know you're getting old for this shit when you're losing fights to department store mannequins.

FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE
Some POOR BASTARD is marched into his OFFICE at GUNPOINT, to find
PSYCHOTIC GANGSTER SAM SPRUELL awaiting him.
SAM SPRUELL
Greetings, I’ll be the puppy-murdering
asshole for this movie. I’m not even
kidding, I needlessly killed your dog in
the process of getting you here. This
franchise never exactly knew its way
around subtlety.
The POOR BASTARD opens up a VAULT for SAM, but it’s EMPTY! An enraged
SAM fires a gun at him, causing him to FALL DOWN, CLEARLY DEVOID OF ANY
BULLET WOUNDS.
POOR BASTARD
What the hell? Am I in a crime thriller
from 1947? Please don’t tell me this
series has gone PG-13 on us!
SAM SPRUELL
Of course it’s PG-13. All the Taken
movies are.
POOR BASTARD
Wait, seriously? But the first one seemed
so brutal.
SAM SPRUELL
Yes well, it achieved that illusion using
a thing called “clever and
well-choreographed action set pieces”.
This time though, we’re using a generic
substitute called “shockingly amateurish
and badly-edited shitty action”. Nine
out of ten blind idiots can’t tell the
difference!
POOR BASTARD
Come on man, grim unflinching violence is
one of the only things these movies have
to distinguish them in the first place.
Without it, all we’ve got is a bunch of
exotic European locales.
SAM SPRUELL
Um.
POOR BASTARD
...They forgot the European locales,
didn’t they.
(sighs)
I’m so glad I’m only in this one
scene. You’re on your own, buddy.
(dies)
INT. MAGGIE’S HOUSE
LIAM NEESON visits his daughter MAGGIE GRACE.
LIAM NEESON
Happy birthday, sweetie!
MAGGIE GRACE
(strained smile)
Pregnant? I’m not pregnant, who said I
was pregnant? Maybe you’re the one
who’s pregnant, how do you like THAT?
LIAM NEESON
Ugh, these “diddle around with pointless
character stuff for twenty minutes”
intros are always death. At least I
can’t imagine us getting as tedious as
Famke’s marriage-falling-apart yawnfest
from the last movie-
FAMKE JANSSEN
OH WOE IS ME MY MARRIAGE IS FAILING BOO
HOO
LIAM NEESON
Oh for God’s sake! Two years on you
still haven’t divorced this guy?
FAMKE JANSSEN
Apparently not. Unless in that timeframe
I did divorce him, then immediately
married another guy with the same name but
played by a different, less talented
actor.
INT. LIAM’S HOUSE
LIAM is visited by less-talented-actor DOUGRAY SCOTT. Hey, remember
DOUGRAY SCOTT?
DOUGRAY SCOTT
Look, Liam, you know how you’re on
friendly terms with your ex-wife? And how
this has had a very positive effect on
your daughter’s relationship with you
both, and been a huge comfort to Famke
during these stressful past few years?
Well I’m gonna need you to cut that out
so I stand a better chance of wearing her
down and convincing her to keep on with
our shitty marriage.
LIAM NEESON
Fine, I’ll immediately agree with your
unreasonable jealous demands. I promise
to stop hanging out with Famke.
In the VERY NEXT SCENE, like TEN SECONDS AFTER THAT ONE, he receives a
TEXT from FAMKE asking to MEET WITH HIM.
LIAM NEESON
Sure, I don’t recall any reason not to
do that.
He goes and gets BAGELS, then heads back to find FAMKE is lying MURDERED
IN HIS BED!
LIAM NEESON
Oh no, Famke has been TAK... uh, killed?
Wait. Have I wandered into the wrong
franchise?
(shakes Famke)
Famke, stop it, you’re doing it wrong!
This is the thing you do every other X-Men
movie. HERE we get KIDNAPPED, you ninny!
Suddenly a couple of POLICE burst in and attempt to arrest LIAM.
LIAM NEESON
Why hello officers. I will now come
quietly and help you with your
investigation, meanwhile calling my ex-spy
buddies and asking them to make their own
enquiries in a perfectly above-board,
non-fugitive way, which is easily the most
effective way for us to discover who
murdered PSYCH!
He BEATS up the COPS and RUNS FOR IT! After doing GERIATRIC PARKOUR
over CARS, WALLS, FENCES and DUMPSTERS, he winds up in some ORDINARY
SUBURBAN GARAGE!
LIAM NEESON
Fuck, I’m cornered! Unless of course
there’s some kind of secret human-sized
hole under that truck there that opens
onto a huge storm drain.
(checks)
Oh wow. I thought I was just saying
random nonsensical garbage.
He drops down the RANDOM HOLE, then the COPS burst in to find an empty
room.
COP
Dammit, he’s gone. No, don’t bother
actually looking for some hidden exit or
anything, my working theory seems to
actually be that he magically blinked out
of existence.
INT. POLICE STATION
DETECTIVE FOREST WHITAKER is leading the investigation into FAMKE’S
MURDER.
FOREST WHITAKER
I checked Liam’s military records and
they’re blank. So I figure either
he’s some kind of Chuck Norris
Meme-level superspy badass, or he helped
win World War II by cracking the Enigma
Code. Either way, check the GPS on
Famke’s phone to track her movements the
past few days.
LIAM NEESON
(elsewhere)
Good thing I’m not in their custody, but
instead am free to pursue investigative
leads those pinheads missed. For
starters, I’m going to check the GPS on
Famke’s phone to track her movements the
past few days.
He finds out that FAMKE was at some GAS STATION in the middle of NOWHERE
the previous night, and goes to check it out.
INT. GAS STATION
LIAM checks the GAS STATION’S SECURITY FOOTAGE, and discovers footage
of FAMKE GETTING KIDNAPPED!
LIAM NEESON
Aha, in this freeze-frame I can make out
that her abductor had a distinctive tattoo
on his hand! I will now make sure this
information gets to Forest, who probably
would have gotten it on his own anyway,
and who will proceed to do nothing with it
whatsoever!
A couple of FOREST’S GUYS show up to ARREST LIAM!
LIAM NEESON
Damn, it’s almost as though
investigating the exact same leads as the
cops, at the exact same time, carried the
risk of me bumping into some cops! Oh
well, the last time one officer tried to
cuff me while another held me at gunpoint,
I had no trouble getting away from-
(is arrested)
Sometimes I don’t make sense even to
myself.
The cops drive LIAM back towards the POLICE STATION. But on the way he
overpowers his DRIVER and swipes the COP CAR! He drives directly into
the CONCRETE DIVIDER of the OVERPASS, but instead of getting its engine
block demolished, the car LEAPS TWENTY FEET INTO THE OPPOSITE LANE!
COP
Hold it, have we suddenly shifted into the
Fast and the Furious universe? OH FUCK
THAT MEANS-
LIAM causes a SEMI TRACTOR-TRAILER to SKID SIDEWAYS, knocking an SUV
into a BACKFLIP! Its CARGO goes FLYING and CRUSHES about a dozen CARS!
LIAM NEESON
(killing everybody)
MUST. CLEAR. NAME. OF. MURDER.
The COPS chase LIAM into a multi-storey PARKING GARAGE. Eventually he
gets cornered on the top level.
LIAM NEESON
Oops. Well, I guess I could drive
backwards into the elevator shaft? Of
course then I’d just drop eight storeys
to my death. But a plan that I could
never reasonably hope to survive is better
than no plan!
He plummets down into the elevator shaft. About halfway down the car
manages to get WEDGED in a way that doesn’t even make VISUAL SENSE.
COP
Oh fuck! Get down guys, I think that was
one of those experimental cop cars that
runs on nitroglycerine and is made
entirely out of C4-
The car EXPLODES INTO A GIGANTIC FIREBALL THAT DEMOLISHES HALF THE
BUILDING!
EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE
LIAM is on a STREET.
LIAM NEESON
What the hell just happened? I was jammed
halfway up an elevator shaft, trying to
crawl out of a car about to go supernova,
and now I’m here with no explanation.
Maybe I can blink out of existence after
all? ...Oh well, the cops surely think
I’m dead for the time being. That gives
me a tactical advantage that SCREW IT
(calls Forest)
Hi there!
FOREST WHITAKER
Liam! What’s so important that you’d
call us on an easily-traceable stolen
cop’s mobile?
LIAM NEESON
Stop trying to arrest me. Pleeease.
FOREST WHITAKER
...Um... no?
LIAM NEESON
Well nuts.
(pause)
For the record, I later refer to you as
“really smart”, seemingly based
entirely on this conversation. Go figure.
He hangs up and gets rid of the PHONE.
COP
Hey detective Whitaker, should we go to
the current location of that phone?
FOREST WHITAKER
No point. A smooth operator like Liam
would have ditched it.
COP
Oh hey, I just got report that one of
Liam’s old spy buddies just gave Maggie
some kind of message at Famke’s funeral.
Should we tail him?
FOREST WHITAKER
Why bother, these guys are too good at
losing tails. In fact if Liam walks into
this room right now and confesses don’t
even handcuff him because he’d probably
just escape. Let’s all just curl into a
ball and give the fuck up already.
COP
Well in that case I guess we might as well
stop surveilling his daughter, as
there’s no way this super-elusive
megaspy of yours would be dumb enough to
try and meet-
FOREST WHITAKER
Oh no, keep doing that, that’s very
important.
INT. COLLEGE BATHROOM
MAGGIE, having excused herself from class due to NAUSEA, goes into the
women’s restroom, where Liam immediately grabs her and silences her.
LIAM NEESON
All right, good thing my plan of sneaking
you some nausea drugs worked with such
improbably clockwork precision. I mean
imagine if any other girl had wandered in
while I was just waiting in the middle of
the room, yeesh.
MAGGIE GRACE
Dad! What’s so important that you went
to such complicated and risky lengths to
meet with me?
LIAM NEESON
Nothing. I’m literally just here to say
hi. So, hi.
MAGGIE GRACE
(sighs)
Seriously? Weren’t you supposed to be
investigating a murder or something?
LIAM NEESON
Well while I’m here I might as well
offer the obvious advice that while the
cops are watching you, you should be sure
not to do anything out of your normal
routine, you know, anything that might
rouse their suspicions.
MAGGIE GRACE
You mean like slinking out of class
claiming sickness, then going to the
bathroom for an extended period of time
while the bug they’ve planted on me goes
mysteriously silent?
LIAM NEESON
Er, yeah. Something as inanely
transparent as that would of course tip
them off immediately and excuse me I think
I should leave.
The COPS close in on LIAM but he gets away by letting off an EXPLOSIVE
inside a SCHOOL and inciting a wild PANIC IN EVERYBODY like the smooth
hero that he is.
EXT. ROAD
LIAM is driving along a mountain road.
LIAM NEESON
All right, here I am on my way to... say,
where the hell am I going right now and
what do I plan on doing when I get there?
This story has sort of stopped moving in
any direction at all. I guess I have to
just hope the screenwriters have some
random event they can dump on me to
restore some semblance of-
A bunch of GOONS ram into LIAM’S CAR and knock it off a CLIFF! But he
SURVIVES and tracks them back to a STORE, where he unsatisfyingly BASHES
THEIR HEADS INTO THINGS until only the TATTOO HAND GUY from the security
footage is left.
LIAM NEESON
Tell me who you’re working for!
TATTOO GUY
Sure, sure. Right after I GRAB YOUR GUN
AND MAKE ANY ATTEMPT WHATSOEVER TO
WRESTLE IT OFF YOU BLOW MY OWN BRAINS
OUT!
He FIRES LIAM’S GUN directly into his own HEAD, resulting in LITERALLY
NO BRAIN SPLATTER OR GORE, JUST NONE, THE FLOOR AND WALL BEHIND HIM ARE
BOTH CLEARLY VISIBLE IN THE FOLLOWING SHOTS AND THEY’RE FUCKING
PRISTINE.
LIAM NEESON
The world sure is a nicer place ever since
the criminal underworld agreed to the new
“just fall down when I yell bang”
rules.
INT. DOUGRAY’S HOUSE
LIAM confronts DOUGRAY.
LIAM NEESON
You bastard, you sent those goons after
me, didn’t you!
DOUGRAY SCOTT
Well that conclusion came out of fucking
nowhere. What made you realize it was me?
LIAM NEESON
I don’t know, how did those thugs figure
out where to find me when the entire
police force couldn’t? We’re well
into the “stuff just happening” phase
of the film by now.
DOUGRAY SCOTT
Fine, you got me. Sam Spruell killed
Famke to intimidate me, because I owe him
a bunch of money. He’ll go after Maggie
next I bet!
LIAM NEESON
Uh huh, and what has this got to do with
Arben and Rade?
DOUGRAY SCOTT
Who?
LIAM NEESON
You know. Arben Bajraktaraj, the guy I
electrocuted in the first movie, and his
crime boss dad Rade Sherbedgia, who tried
to kill me in the second. At the end of
the second movie we foreshadowed that
Rade’s other sons would want revenge as
well. Where do they figure in?
DOUGRAY SCOTT
Uh, they don’t. I guess we can just
presume those guys all fell down the
stairs or had heart attacks or something
and we can just forget about them.
LIAM NEESON
But all the posters and trailers have kept
going on about how this time “IT ENDS
HERE”. What the hell ends, exactly?
The events of this particular film?
That’s not an epic conclusion, that’s
just how stories work!
DOUGRAY SCOTT
Damnit, this is the Hangover franchise all
over again! We give you a sequel that’s
just a stale retread of the original, you
complain. We give you a sequel that’s
so vast a departure from the original that
it might as well be The Standalone
Adventures of Captain Nobody, you
complain. What do you want from us, no
sequel at all?!
LIAM NEESON
Would it kill you?
With the help of LIAM’S SPY PALS LELAND ORSER, JON GRIES and DAVID
WARSHOFSKY, they take out the POLICE watching MAGGIE and whisk her away
to their SUPER-SECRET FORTIFIED SPY BUNKER.
LIAM NEESON
We’re off to kill Sam. Maggie, you stay
here in this ultra-secure hidden location,
the assault on gangster headquarters is
going to be very dangerous and I don’t
want to take you there and potentially put
you at risk of your life.
LELAND ORSER
That was Liam Neeson, in: Stuff My
Character Totally Should Have Said in the
Actual Movie. Join us next time for his
stirring rendition of, “Jon and David,
come with me so I don’t have to try and
shoot all of Sam’s guards
singlehandedly”!
INT. SAM SPRUELL’S FORTRESS-O-DOOM
MAGGIE, DOUGRAY and LELAND wait downstairs in the VAN while LIAM heads
up and starts killing SAM’S GUARDS.
LIAM NEESON
(doing all the violence)
Take that, you European gangster scum!
GUARD
Actually sir, we’re professional
security guards, no doubt assigned this
post by some kind of security company.
It’s entirely possible we don’t even
know exactly what kind of activities our
client-
(punted to the moon)
After murdering everyone, LIAM bursts in and starts shooting at SAM
while SAM shoots back with a MACHINE GUN!
LIAM NEESON
(shooting)
BLAARRRH DIIIEEE!!!
SAM SPRUELL
(shooting)
NO YOU DIE GRRRAARRR!!!
LIAM NEESON
(shooting and shooting and shooting)
WE’RE BOTH SUPPOSED TO BE ULTRA-ELITE
KILLERS HOW COME WE’RE MISSING SO BADLY
SAM SPRUELL
(causing worldwide bullet shortage)
I DUNNO MAN I’M NOT EVEN REALLY DODGING
OR ANYTHING
LIAM NEESON
Okay, fuck it, maybe we’ll suck less at
fisticuffs. Have at you!
They charge into each other and start a BADLY SHOT BRAWL/SLAP
FIGHT/INTERPRETIVE DANCE.
SAM SPRUELL
Aha, I throw you slowly across the room
and then clumsily pull you into a choke
hold!
LIAM NEESON
But observe how I reach one hand back to
nearly nudge the top of your head, thus
causing you to release me somehow!
SAM SPRUELL
Fine then, I’ll just stomp you in the
crotch or the butt or possibly the thigh!
LIAM NEESON
And now let’s both reach for my gun and
wind up rolling around with our arms
tangled together, without it ever being
clear where the gun is pointed or indeed
who is holding it!
SAM SPRUELL
Holy fuck but this fight is terrible.
(is shot)
Liam, you idiot, Dougray has been playing
you! Maggie was never in danger, I only
killed Famke because he said he’d pay me
off with her life insurance! And now
he’s gotten you to kill me so he can
keep the money himself!
LIAM NEESON
What? Fuck off, I refuse to believe
they’ve made Dougray the main bad guy of
this movie. A whiny, cowardly, corrupt
businessman whose parents accidentally
gave him two names stuck together? He
isn’t even European!
But going back downstairs, LIAM finds that DOUGRAY has indeed SHOT
LELAND and MADE OFF WITH MAGGIE.
LIAM NEESON
So Maggie’s been... TAKEN? Awesome!
I’m so glad to have reconnected with
this franchise’s actual premise at least
briefly, I’m not even upset that the
climax of this movie consists of the bad
guy running away from me as hard as he
can!
DOUGRAY rushes towards the AIRPORT! LIAM chases him! And way in the
rear, FOREST chases LIAM, in an embarrassing attempt to allow the COP
CHARACTERS to actually AFFECT THE PLOT IN ANY SIGNIFICANT WAY!
EXT. AIRPORT
As DOUGRAY’S PLANE starts taking off, LIAM crashes into its landing
gear, disabling it! DOUGRAY gets out holding MAGGIE at gunpoint.
LIAM NEESON
Oh for the love of... Dougray, a quick
piece of advice about human shields. They
work best if you hold them IN FRONT OF
YOU, not like two feet to your left.
DOUGRAY SCOTT
Ahhh, that makes so much more sense,
thanks!
(shot)
Ow. Okay, before you finish me off, just
think about it. Think how little
satisfaction there could ever be in you
taking down an unthreatening little sack
of failure like me. I mean, I didn’t
even manage to kill Leland Fucking Orser
with a gun at point-blank range.
LIAM NEESON
Ugh, you’re right. This is even a
bigger letdown than Anonymous Fat Dude
from the first movie.
(leaves, grumbling)
INT. POLICE STATION
FOREST WHITAKER
Now that we’re finally speaking face to
face: Liam Neeson, you’re under arrest
for assaulting police officers, vehicular
manslaughter, blowing up a parking garage
and murdering a building full of gangsters
and security guards.
LIAM NEESON
Really?
FOREST WHITAKER
Psshhh, just kidding! Crimes committed in
the name of clearing yourself of another
crime don’t count, everyone knows that.
LIAM NEESON
Phew! And now to touch briefly on that
lame subplot about Maggie’s pregnancy
one more time, and this epic trilogy of
ever-diminishing returns is done!
The movie is RELEASED and takes in a worldwide gross of TWO HUNDRED
MILLION DOLLARS in its first TWO WEEKS.
LIAM NEESON
...Okay, I vote next time we go with the
more honest slogan: “IT NEVER ENDS”.
END.

"I've made each row all one colour... why won't they crush?!? WHY CAN'T I BEAT THIS LEVELLLLL"

FADE IN:
INT. BENEDICT'S APARTMENT - POST-WWII
We see closeups of BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH'S TRASHED APARTMENT while he
practices his SMAUG voice.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
(V.O.)
Pay close attention. Very, very careful
attention. Otherwise you might overlook
the super subtle clues that hint at the
secret deeper meanings of this story like
I'M GAY AND INVENTED COMPUTERS THAT WON
WORLD WAR TWO. You might miss that unless
you pay very, very, very, close attention
WHOOPS STUBBED MY TOE ON THIS COMPUTER
THAT HELPED DEFEAT THE NAZIS, I PREFER
COCK BY THE WAY
DETECTIVE RORY KINNEAR consults with two BOBBIES outside the crime
scene.
RORY KINNEAR
Hmm, Benedict claimed nothing was stolen,
then insulted us until we left. I think
he's... hiding something.
BOBBY
Surely a guy who helped plan an ENTIRE WAR
around not arousing Germany's suspicions,
would know enough not to arouse the
suspicions of a few random cops, though?
RORY KINNEAR
You're right! Only a Soviet spy would be
capable of such self-contradiction!
EXT. FLASHBACK - WARTIME
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH makes his way through the CREDITS and enters the
office of high-ranking military guy CHARLES DANCE.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Oh hello, I think I'm here for the Sheldon
Cooper auditions?
CHARLES DANCE
Very well. Let's recite a dozen or so
jokes that could have been lifted VERBATIM
from The Big Bang Theory.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Ba-ZIN-ga.
CHARLES DANCE
Excellent! Come with me.
INT. BLETCHLEY PARK
CHARLES introduces BENEDICT to his new team of codebreakers, THE
INTERCHANGEABLE BRITISH WHITEGUY BAND!
CHARLES DANCE
Benedict, I'd like you to meet Matthew
Goode, Allen Leech, and two disposable
dipshits. This is our elite team that
needs to crack the German Enigma code.
Oh, and over here skulking in the corner
is Mark Strong, he's with the snappy-suit
division of military intelligence.
BENEDICT grabs a DESK and begins drawing lots and lots of circular
patterns.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
That's it! I've done it! No wait, hold
on, I've invented Spirograph. Oops.
MATTHEW GOODE
Not to worry, Benedict. We're going for
lunch, would you like a sandwich?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Oh yes please, how about you stuff it with
your own ballsack and then suck it dry.
Did I mention I'm not good with people?
INT. RECORDS OFFICE - POST-WWII
Meanwhile, back in the present, i.e. 1951, so actually less-back in the
past...
RORY KINNEAR
Ah, hello, I need to see Cumberbatch's war
records please, and here is my totally
legitimate police document authorizing it.
COZZER
Fuck's sake, you've clearly put Liquid
Paper on some other guy's name and typed
over it. Never mind that holding the
paper up to the light, as I am now doing,
would spotlight the opaque blob of
corrective fluid against the translucent
sheet. This is beyond ridiculous!
RORY KINNEAR
I guess I won't bother depositing these
million-pound paycheques.
He GETS the record and it proves to be... an EMPTY FOLDER!
RORY KINNEAR
Huh? They couldn't even be bothered to
make up a boring fake record?
COZZER
Well, I guess whoever Cumberbatch is
working for, they definitely don't
specialize in secrets and misinformation!
INT. CHARLES DANCE'S OFFICE - WARTIME
BENEDICT calls a meeting of EVERY CHARACTER WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED TO IN
THIS TIME PERIOD.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Listen up twits, I directly messaged
Winston Churchill, and he favoured it
enough to put me in charge. First order
of business is to fire the two dipshits!
CHARLES DANCE
What? Why?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Because they have been no help with my
efforts to crack Enigma alone with no
help!
MATTHEW GOODE
Oh, I bet you were real popular at SCHOOL.
(pause)
Yes, I'm willing to bet that SCHOOL was no
fun for you.
(pause)
Guys, that was the cue for the SCHOOL
flashback-in-a-flashback! Come on, we
can't be MORE blatant than
EXT. PRIVATE SCHOOL - PRE-WWII
We see how YOUNG BENEDICT did not like his peas and carrots touching,
leading to him being OSTRACIZED, TORTMENTED, BURIED ALIVE, and
repeatedly called CUMBER-BITCH, so remember kiddies to just EAT YOUR
FUCKING VEGGIES YOU FUSSY LITTLE SNOTS. Anyway, schoolmate JACK BANNON
takes pity.
JACK BANNON
(removing Young Benedict from bear
trap)
Theeeere you are. Also I'd stay away from
the cafeteria today, they're serving eggs.
YOUNG BENEDICT
CUMBERBATCH
Why would that lead to anyth... oh.
Look, I appreciate your help, but what I
really need is some kind of inspirational,
feel-good tag line to build our Oscar
campaign around...
JACK BANNON
(actual line)
(like a thousand times)
Sometimes it's the very people who no one
imagines anything of, who do the things
that no one can imagine.
YOUNG BENEDICT
CUMBERBATCH
Ooooh, that's it! That's THE LINE! Wow,
I think I might be developing feelings for
you. But I'm sure I have at least a few
weeks to figure that out, it's not like
you'll drop dead at any moment from some
horrible disease, right?
JACK BANNON
Ha, ha, no, of course not.
(shits out lung)
INT. BLETCHLEY PARK - WARTIME
BENEDICT lifts his head from his A BEAUTIFUL MIND WORKSPACE and notices
that ENIGMA still isn't broken.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Strangely, our team is about two people
short. But no fear, we'll find new people
with this special crossword I designed.
MATTHEW GOODE
Won't that just test trivia knowledge and
such? Shouldn't we use an actual, y'know,
cryptogram?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Whatever, it's not like cryptograms have
been in newspapers since the 1800s.
They PRINT the crossword! BRITAIN DROPS FUCKING EVERYTHING to madly try
and complete it.
GUY IN AIR RAID
SHELTER
Gotta finish--
(arm blown off)
Phew, still got me writin' hand!
BENEDICT gathers everyone who solved the crossword, one of whom turns
out to be KEIRA KNIGHTLEY!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Hi, I finished your crossword in sixteen
seconds. And in the time it took me to
say that, I finished today's final-round
crossword. And while I'm saying this
sentence, I'm finishing the crossword
you'll write next week... there, done.
(smiles)
I'm a big fan, I've read your paper about
building powerful calculating machines
that can solve any problem.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Holy hell, is THAT what the writers think
a Universal Turing Machine is? It's
almost literally the opposite--it's a
theoretical model used to determine if a
problem is UN-solveable. Whatever, you're
hired.
RANDOM ASSHOLE
(flustered)
WHAT, BLARGH BLAUUGH HIRING A FEMALE?!?
But, but, the pregnant dishwashing brigade
is in the second-class citizens'
building!! SPLURMF PHLUMG!!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Wait, are we shoving in an "overcoming
sexism" theme into this movie, which is
already barely about "overcoming
homophobia"? You guys know this bit is
all made-up, right? That the person I'm
based on already worked at Bletchley Park?
ANNA MAXWELL MARTIN,
RACHAEL STIRLING,
JULIE GRAHAM, AND
SOPHIE RUNDLE
Eh, we're used to being overlooked. Just
roll with it.
INT. PRIVATE SCHOOL - PRE-WWII
JACK BANNON
Look Benedict, I got you a code book.
This is the next stage in your Origin
Story.
(leg falls off)
YOUNG BENEDICT
CUMBERBATCH
It's sure lucky that pretty much every
formative experience I ever had is neatly
contained in these few weeks of my life!
INT. BLETCHLEY PARK - WARTIME
BENEDICT has started building a BIG-ASS MACHINE the purpose of which
appears to be starting petty arguments.
MATTHEW GOODE
Your machine is total crap!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
No it isn't!
MATTHEW PALIN
Yes it is!
BENEDICT CLEESE
No it isn't!
MATTHEW GOODE
You can't possibly expect us to think
it'll ever work!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Well, yes I totally can, because it's just
an improved version of a device invented
in Poland a year ago called the "bomba
kryptologiczna" which I will acknowledge
by calling my device the "bombe".
(pause)
Just kidding, I'm calling it Jack Bannon,
because gay guy, remember?
MATTHEW GOODE
Hey, where's Keira Knightley? Maybe
having an extra person saying "No it
isn't" will crack Enigma.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
For some stupid reason her parents didn't
want her working alone with a bunch of
horny Army men, but I came up with an
airtight cover story that will allow her
to help us break Enigma. The cover
requires her to be in another building at
all times and not actually help us break
Enigma.
MATTHEW GOODE
Brilliant. What was the point, then?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Ooh, this is where I should tell you THE
LINE. Brace yourself, it's a goody.
BENEDICT delivers THE LINE and now, the Imitation Game is truly afoot!
INT. BLETCHLEY PARK - MONTHS LATER
Everyone is hard at work when an ALARM sounds MIDNIGHT!
MATTHEW GOODE
Aw fuck, the midnight deadline, when the
Germans reset their codes! ARRRGH
(throws aside papers)
(shits on them)
(sets desk on fire)
ALLEN LEECH
Damn, I had this message decoded as far as
"SEND ALL BOMBERS TO ATTACK MANCHEST" but
guess I'll just quit and go home! Fuck
those last two letters!
MATTHEW GOODE
Yeah, none of the remaining transmissions
could possibly affect events in the
future, they're so much useless
spoogetissues now!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
If we always restart our efforts at
midnight why do we work uselessly right up
to the deadline? Wouldn't there come a
point at 10:30 or so where we realize
today is fucked and we should rest up?
MATTHEW GOODE
It doesn't help that Benedict insists on
solving the larger, overall problem
instead of frantically chasing endless
day-by-day problems like the rest of us!
I grow weary of his long-term thinking!
MATTHEW storms into the machine room!
MATTHEW GOODE
SCREW YOU BENNY! Your machine totally
SUCKS!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Seems a bit late for our daily banter but
okay NO IT DOESN'T!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
We're really going with the version of
this where Turing did all the work and
nobody else on the team understood the
design, huh?
MATTHEW GOODE
Hey, I added diagonal lines. DIAGONAL!
Though I really wish you'd consider my
giant squid idea.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
It's true, my visionary genius is a
solitary one.
(wistful)
But someday I might even build a DIGITAL
version of this device for COMPUTING
things. Maybe even a PERSONAL type of
COMPUTER. Uh-oh, Charles Dance is coming
and he looks pissed, I'd better escape
through these... WINDOWS.
SOLIDERS burst in, search BENEDICT'S DESK, and throw shit everywhere!
CHARLES DANCE
We have reason to believe there's a mole.
We can't let anything compromise the
program, so we thought we'd come in and
fuck your shit up but otherwise let you
all continue unabated.
MATTHEW GOODE
That seems a bit futile. Basically you
exist because otherwise, it's just us
sitting around staring at paper for hours,
right?
CHARLES DANCE
(flipping table full of codes)
Correct! Look, you guys have one more
month to start cracking some codes, or I'm
firing you all! Antagonism accomplished!
(leaves)
INT. BLETCHLEY - THE NEXT MORNING
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Benedict, I've been thinking. This is a
conventionally written biopic, so the REAL
conflict here is that you will have to
overcome some deep-seated character flaw
in order to crack this code. Why not
conquer your social awkwardness?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Capital idea, Keira.
(addressing room)
Good day, fellow humans! Perhaps you
would enjoy some carbon-based foodstuff.
(hands out apples)
AHEM! A JOKE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT. SO
THERE WAS THIS THEATRE FAMILY THAT SHAT ON
AND FUCKED EACH OTHER AND THEY WERE CALLED
THE ARISTOCRATS. JOKE ENDS.
(to self)
Point: Cumberbatch.
INT. POLICE STATION - POST-WWII
The POLICE bring in BENEDICT for questioning.
RORY KINNEAR
Look here Cumberbatch, I think you're a
Soviet spy, and you've been charged with a
#10-223, Being Kind of A Dick To A Police
Officer. So you'd better start talking.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Officer, you must now face a test. A
Turing Test, if you will.
RORY KINNEAR
What's that?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
It's a game I proposed where a human tries
to figure out if they're talking to
another human or a computer.
RORY KINNEAR
Are you... are you asking me to guess if
you're human? Because you have skin and
hair and stuff. Why are we talking about
this?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Because it's a thing people have heard of,
which will remind Academy voters that this
is occasionally a true story.
INT. BEER HUT - WARTIME
BENEDICT and KEIRA are celebrating their NEW ENGAGEMENT with the TEAM.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Hmm. You don't think the fact that I'm a
homosexual is going to be a problem for my
marriage, do you?
ALLEN LEECH
Holy fuck, why are we talking about this
out loud at a party full of people
including your fiancee?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
I think we're just biding our time until
some random civilian makes a casual
comment that solves this whole mess, like
in any given episode of House, Castle, The
Mentalist, etcetera.
(smiles to camera)
Best Adapted Screenplay nominee, everyone!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY'S
FRIEND
Hey Matthew Goode, let's flirt. Man, that
guy Hitler sure sucks, amirite? Sex.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Eureka! Hitler, that's it!
He RUSHES MADLY OFF to the codebreaking room and everyone FOLLOWS!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
They always end the day's first message
with "Heil Hitler"! We can use that to do
a Known Plaintext Attack and thus crack
the code quickly!
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Hurray, we've discovered a technique that
in reality, both sides knew all about
before the war even started! For an
encore let's take out a Panzer tank
division by inventing the bayonet.
The MACHINE works, ENIGMA is CRACKED, COLIN FIRTH stops STUTTERING, and
BRITAIN IS SAVED!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Wait, we can't actually use this
information, or they'll know we broke the
code.
ALLEN LEECH
What?!? Not once in all the months we've
worked together have we ever discussed
what to do if we succeeded, we must have a
big screaming argument about it right
now!!
MARK STRONG
Guys, calm down. Just give me the
messages, and the Secret Intelligence
Service can decide what to act on and who
to let die, so the Germans don't catch on.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Or how about we stretch the truth a
LEEEEEETLE bit more and make that OUR job
for some reason? Like maybe it involves
probabilities, which are math, and so is
codebreaking? Really reaching here.
MARK STRONG
Okay fine, but how are you going to
explain that to Charles Dance? You know,
the guy who will fire you if you don't
decrypt every message?
MATTHEW GOODE
We can take care of that quite elegantly
by just not giving him any more scenes.
BENEDICT, KEIRA, MATTHEW GOODE, and ALLEN LEECH keep breaking codes and
using MATH PERCENT of them to save STATISTICS NUMBERS of lives.
BENEDICT is narrating on the enormous mental toll of this utterly
made-up job when suddenly, he spots a BIBLE on ALLEN LEECH'S desk!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Wait a sec, the Russian spy's cypher key
was from the Bible! Nobody else could
ever have a Bible for any reason, you must
be the mole!
ALLEN LEECH
Okay, you got me. In hindsight, I
probably shouldn't have earmarked,
highlighted, and gotten a face-tattoo of
the cypher passage. But if you rat me
out, I'll tell everyone you're gay.
Stalemate!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Gosh you're right, then we'd have a
classic case of "he said / lying
treasonous Russian fucking mole said" and
that could go either way, can't risk it.
(pause)
Wait, is this movie about to pretend Alan
Turing was a traitor to his country
because he was afraid of being outed as
gay? Because--
MARK STRONG
(interrupting)
Don't worry, Benny. Allen's actually
working for us but doesn't even know it.
Charles Dance is in the dark also. It's a
whole complex charade operating on
multiple levels and yet can we put a basic
fake record in your war file NOOOOOOO,
TYPING MADE-UP THINGS WHAT IS THAT,
HURRRRRRR
(pause)
Anyway, thanks for winning the war
everyone. You've created an invaluable
tool that will give Britain a huge
advantage in any future conflict. Now
please destroy the machine, burn all your
notes, and never see each other again.
The TEAM disbands, BENEDEIRA breaks up, and VALUABLE SCIENTIFIC
KNOWLEDGE is merrily heaped on the bonfire.
INT. POLICE STATION - POST-WWII
BENEDICT finishes divulging years of British Intelligence Secrets to
some schlub cop.
RORY KINNEAR
Wow, that's quite a tale. Uh... was
there a bit in there about you being gay,
though?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
Oh, right. Yeah, I had lots of homosexual
relationships. Actually, since this movie
seems to think it's pretty pro-LGBT, maybe
we should include even a single shot of
adult me being in a relationship with a
man.
RORY KINNEAR
What? No. Ewwwww.
BENEDICT is found guilty of FRANCHISE OVEREXPOSURE and PUBLICLY
OSCARBAITING and sentenced to CHEMICAL CASTRATION.
INT. BENEDICT'S APARTMENT - POST-WWII
BENEDICT gets a visit from KEIRA.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
I came as soon as I heard. How are you
holding up? It seems like the
movie-version of chemical castration just
makes you shake a bit, so that's not too
bad, eh?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
I'm alright, I built another
Enigma-Breaker machine for some reason
even though that problem has already been
solved and I have nothing to input to it.
I named it Jack Bannon and I talk to it
like an AI and none of this happened.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Jack Bannon, your childhood crush?
Whatever happened to him?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
He died of bovine tuberculosis, but we
moved past that too quickly for anyone to
snicker at how silly that sounds.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Oh. Well, I thought it might cheer you up
to hear THE LINE.
(delivers THE LINE)
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
(smiling faintly)
Yes, that's quite nice. Thanks for the
visit, Keira. It's been helpful to
receive some measure of comfort in these
trying times. At least I still have my
work. Goodnight.
(kills self offscreen)
(wait, woah, what the fuck just happ-)
TITLE CARD: YES THOUGH ALAN TURING IS DEAD HIS LEGACY LIVES ON. FOR
TODAY, HIS TURING MACHINES ARE WHAT WE NOW CALL "COMPUTERS", FOR THE
SAME REASON THAT CARSON'S BANDWIDTH RULE IS NOW CALLED "IPHONES" AND THE
SECOND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS IS CALLED "CARS".
TITLE CARD: BENEDICT WAS EVENTUALLY PARDONED FOR BEING GAY, BUT HE WILL
NEVER BE PARDONED FOR BEING KHAN.
END