The Nanny Nightmare

Three essential lessons.

When I read about the devastating murder of two young children by their nanny in Manhattan, my heart stopped for a moment. My hands shook as I zipped up my own two-year-old's coat, and I could not stop thinking about the photo of the mother, Marina Krim, in the ambulance, screaming in anguish.

Many people sent bouquets of flowers to the Krim's apartment building on the Upper West Side, and others posted condolences on Marina's blog, Life with the Krim Kids, where she chronicled her children's milestones and lives. Just that morning before the tragedy, Marina had posted:

"One of the best parts of my day is after I drop both girls off at school and have 3 precious hours with little Lito all to myself. Ok, I am near getting cheesy I adore this boy so much."

Her blog posts and photos reveal her love and pride in her three children. The nanny, Yoselyn Oretga, was hired by the Krims two years ago when they first moved to New York so that Marina could spend individual time with each child. At the time of the murder, Marina was with her 3-year-old at a swimming lesson. If you wanted to paint a portrait of an ideal, stay-at-home mother, Marina would be it.

How could they speak that way about a mother whose two children were just murdered?

Which is why I was shocked and sickened to read a number of critical, biting posts about this unfortunate mother. She shouldn't have hired a nanny if she wasn't working. She should have seen the warning signs of her nanny's psychological problems. I wondered if any of these posters were mothers themselves. Otherwise how could they speak that way about a mother whose two children were just murdered?

Mothers often feel guilty no matter what they do, even if no one overtly criticizes them. If they work, they are neglecting their children. If they stay home, they aren't being productive. If they hire help, they are spoiled. If they try to do everything themselves, they are martyrs. When mothers pay too much attention to their children, they are smothering. When they don't pay enough attention, they're too distant.

I'll never forget the fear I felt holding my first baby in my arms; I didn't know that it was possible to love someone that intensely and that unconditionally. And the power of that love scared me because suddenly my heart felt like it was literally on my sleeve. In the days after the Krim tragedy, I prayed that the mother wasn't seeing any of the awful, inappropriate posts about the story. I could just imagine (actually I really can't ) how my own thoughts would go right to blaming myself. Why didn't I notice that the babysitter was grumpy? Why didn't I shlep all the kids to the swimming lesson? Why couldn’t I have gotten home a little faster? Why? Why? Why?

Mothers often think this way about anything that goes wrong for their children. It starts during pregnancy. Maybe if I would have eaten healthier my child wouldn't have any problems. And it continues to kindergarten and beyond. If a child misbehaves in school, a mother wonders if there is something wrong with her parenting. If a teenager has low self-esteem, the mother wonders if she said something wrong, did something wrong, felt something wrong.

I think this self-blame stems directly from the strength of a mother's love, and she knows on some essential level that life doesn't necessarily work that way. We can be the ideal portraits of giving, loving mothers, but that doesn't guarantee that our children are going to thrive. And our desire to protect our offspring doesn't mean that they will never be hurt, no matter how much we want that to be true.

As I was staring at the bouquets of flowers lying by the side of the Krim's apartment building, I felt myself grieving not only for this horrific loss but also for the millions of mothers everywhere who must be thinking: This can happen to me. Who can I trust in this crazy world? How can I leave my children even for a minute? And how do we make sense of this tragedy in our own lives?

I’ve learned three lessons from this nanny nightmare:

Don't judge: This is especially true when it comes to parenting. Don't judge another parent until you are in his or her place. It's hard to be a parent. And even if you are a parent, you don't have the same child or spouse or home. Once on an airplane, a baby was screaming for hours and a woman sitting next to me whispered: "Why can't the mother calm her down? Can't she just give her Tylenol or something?" I was so angry, I couldn't even answer her. Clearly, this woman had never held a screaming child on an airplane or had her toddler throw a tantrum on a supermarket floor. Mothers (and fathers) are doing the best they can.

Appreciate your children: I think one of the biggest gifts that Marina had was not only the time she spent with her children but how much she enjoyed being with them. Sometimes we forget to appreciate those closest to us in the daily grind of living. But a tragedy like this tells us to be grateful for every minute that we have with every child. Our children, like everything we have in this life, are on loan to us. Cherish them. Don't take for granted the little things. Seeing their smiles. Smelling the baby shampoo on their hair. Speaking with them about their days. Holding them.

Do something good: In the aftermath of this kind of tragedy, we often feel helpless. Not only because of the evil and darkness in the world, but also because the evil itself is so unpredictable. But goodness can be unpredictable too. And when more darkness enters the world, we can each help by doing something that brings more light. Give charity. Be a listening ear. Help someone cross the street. Be kind for the sake of being kind. Goodness creates light in dark places and every small sliver of light makes it a little brighter for yourself and everyone around you.

In the face of such an unfathomable tragedy, we can learn compassion, gratitude, kindness. I can't erase the image of Marina Krim screaming at the back of the ambulance. But I can feel her pain. And maybe I can be a better mother and a better person if I hear the message in her grief.

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About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

Visitor Comments: 44

(21)
L.S.,
November 9, 2012 1:19 PM

surprised...

I am surprised and shocked by the mean comments here especially since this was an article about having compassion for a family suffering a horrible tragedy. Many mothers, including some very frum women on the upper west side and in Monsey, employ nannies either because they work jobs outside the home, or because they have large families and need an extra set of adult hands around the house. It is impossible to watch your kids 24/7/365 as most kids have play dates, school, activities, etc. Get off your high horses and show some compassion.

(20)
Anonymous,
November 8, 2012 11:49 PM

Regarding nannies

I have to say that having a nanny is not wise. I know mothers need help, but if it is at all possible to get help from a grandparent or close relative, then by all means, do that instead. No one will love for you child like you or your own parent. Nannies generally are only doing the job to get into the country or before moving on to something else. They are not usually doing the job because they adore children. Remember this.

Anonymous,
November 9, 2012 9:10 PM

That's the biggest load of rubbish I've ever heard, if I was allowed to swear on this site I would. Many au pairs love the family they become part of and value their charges highly, as well as the language skills and work experience they pick up. I'm a nanny, I'm a citizen of the country I work in, always have been. I'm a childcare worker/nanny while attending college. I value the children I look after and their opinions and feelings highly. I want to work in Europe to learn to speak German, French and Italian fluently. When I graduate, I would prefer to be a teacher rather than a nanny, but if I have to be a nanny for a few more years, I am content with that.

(19)
Bobby5000,
November 8, 2012 8:16 PM

Nanny

Read the Nanny Diaries, a great book about how poorly many women treat their nannies. The book is about a nasty, self-centered woman who fired multiple nannies and treats them poorly, but believes her primary problem is a lack of assertiveness.
These women treat their nannies like garbage, talk about the nanny in front of her, assume they are interchangeable, and are surprised when the children display problems. Perhaps there will be mommy-cams where the nannies put hidden cameras in the home to show how the mother really acts.

David,
November 9, 2012 10:41 PM

Wow

Wow, you are really insensitive.
Perhaps the mother is upset because the nanny is not doing her job. Sure there are bound to be a few crazy moms but they are the minority. There are however very many bad nannies.

(18)
A.Roddy,
November 8, 2012 4:27 AM

Horrible

It doesn't take being a parent to understand death. Assuming those making harsh comments are all childless is insulting especially to infertiles and it is not the point.
I don't get why those like Anne Romney, Victoria Beckam are allowed nannies but anyone else is bad. A family member could have easily killed the kids. I hope the family heals.

(17)
Anonymous,
November 6, 2012 9:16 AM

WHY?

AS A MOTHER OF TWO MATURE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS-120 SHANIM,I WOULD LIIKE TO ADD,I NEVER LET A STRANGER TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTERS,I SACRIFIED MY TIME,MY PLEASURES IN SHARING IT WITH THEM WITH T,L,C.
SINCE POOR MRS KRIM WAS HOME WHY DID SHE NEED A NANNY?
IS TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN IBENEATH THE UPPER WEST SIDE LADIES HONOR?
LIIKE MY MATURE DAUGHTER SAYS NOW"WE,WERE OUR MOTHER'S REGULAR ENTOURAGE".ANYWHERE I HAD TO GO PROUDLY I TOOK THEM TWO BEAUTIFUL GIRLS WITH ME.
AND YOU SPOILET MOTHERS IF YOU ARE ANYWAY HHOME WHY DO YOU NEED NANNIES?

Kate S.,
November 6, 2012 3:21 PM

Case in Point.

I'm sorry that you read this beautiful piece and somehow missed the entire point. The fact that you chose to remain 'anonymous' shows me that you know on some level that you are being unkind. Although this family was not Jewish, we still cannot even find anything within a Torah framework that she did wrong. The Talmud discusses a rich woman having help, and states that she still must contribute to the household by spinning wool. Clearly, it is not wrong to have help, especially with Ms. Krim's motivation to have quality time with each child. I am grateful that you have been blessed with an absence of tragedy in your own family, but please do not delude yourself into thinking it is because you are a better mother. I hope you step back and use this terrible tragedy not to judge, but to --as the author suggests-- hold your own children closer and choose to bring more light into the world.

EGL@HD,
November 10, 2012 5:57 AM

Huh

I agree...it was a beautiful and touching piece. but while one can control what one says (write) one can't control what one understands. i think some of us have missed the point of this article.

sally,
November 7, 2012 4:46 AM

it's wise to have a nanny if you can

to anonymous,
you sound almost jealous of her financial ability to have a nanny. I was an upper east side stay at home mom, and I had 2 nannies. not so that i wouldnt have to take care of them, but precisely so that I could give attention to all four of them(5 if you count hubby..)that way, while I was taking one to the soccer game, the nanny could take the other to ballet classes and the maid would stay home with the babies. each day rotated differently. If anything, my kids now complain that I smothered them too much.!
can't imagine anyone being so insensitive as to critize this poor woman, instead of feeling compassion for her. this was her family's destiny, and if it's yours, G'd forbid, it will happen no matter how attentive you are. A tragedy happened about 30 yrs ago in disney world. A jewish woman was holding her children's hands, and while she raised one arm to give directions to someone, another stole her child, and the woman asking for directions told her, "run, run for your child, I'll take care of this one". She never saw them again..
See how you can't judge???

Anonymous,
November 7, 2012 6:04 AM

Did you read the article?
Your comment is exactly one that the author describes as one she doesn't understand. Either you simply read the description of the article and decided to share your feelings about the situation with us. or you have completely missed the point after reading this beautiful peace. Either way I am sorry for you.

Sisi,
November 8, 2012 12:17 AM

shame on you

How can you have read this article and then proceeded to spew hate on a woman whose children were murdered. Your bitterness about having "sacrificed" your life to you children and allowed yourself to be chained to them as their slave. It is the norm for children to, at least, occassionally be left in the care of others. It is insane to never leave your children in the care of others and to sacrifice your life for decades in order to do so.
Lots of stay at home moms have extra help. I know quite a few Orthodox mothers who have live in help (girls who attend Yeshiva part time for instance) and who help around the house and take care of the kids in exchange for room/board and a small salary.
I have been left to take care of the children of Frum stay at home moms who needed an afternoon out on their own or a night out with their husbands. I was not related to any of them and provided excellent care to the children.
I can only imagine that Anonymous is a self righteous and condescending person who no one wants to be around. I'm sure her mature daughters are going to run as far away as possible after so many years of forced closeness. I hope they are able to shake mommy dearest.

Marion Wilson,
November 9, 2012 9:04 PM

For your information, many families whose mothers don't work have au pairs. These are foreign nannies who live with the family and provide an extra pair of hands, often to mothers who don't work. Mothers are not slaves and they are entitled to some sort of life.

(16)
Dvorah,
November 5, 2012 8:01 PM

shouldas and couldas

There are also mothers and fathers who we have read about who stab their own kids to death! Maybe they should have had nannies to have prevented stess!!! I don't know why these things happen, all we can do is pray for bereaved families, have empathy, the author is right, parenting is very difficult and we all do the best we can!

(15)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2012 9:33 AM

Wonderful Article

If this horrible tragedy can evoke such feelings of vulnerability in those of us who do not even personally know this family, how much more the avalanche of guilt inside this woman's heart! My heart goes out to her, and I pray for her. I too have tasted somewhat of that same horror (for a grandchild) and cannot fathom how much more is her suffering over her own babies. Your article is so comforting and overflows with healing. I hope Marina, one day, gets to read and benefit from these loving words.

(14)
Rebecca C.,
November 5, 2012 7:59 AM

Thank you

This is a great article, wise and compassionate. May God bless and comfort the Krim family.

(13)
Lisa,
November 5, 2012 1:01 AM

Squeeze out all we can from life!!!!

Our world can & does change in a nano second. Could be for the good or the bad. This mother did the best she could.... Most mothers with nannies would have the nanny take the child for the swimming lesson & she would be getting a mani/ pedi with her friends. Then lunch. This mother was the opposite ... She actually wanted to spend time with her kids. She is us.... We must learn from this & now with Hurricane Sandy , that life happens & we can't be on the cruise control setting!! Let's" chop a rein" & squeeze all we can from today!!!
Also let's be thankful for everything... Our cup of coffee..our warm shower...our homes & Our ability to read articles on Aish.com....

aviva,
November 6, 2012 2:46 PM

Heartwarming!

You have much wisdom,dear soul!

(12)
rayla,
November 5, 2012 12:22 AM

Amazing insight!! Poor woman!

(11)
Melinda,
November 4, 2012 11:18 PM

My mother-in-law still blames herself for some of her son's flaws, because she bottle-fed him instead of nursing him. The son is now 63 years old.

(10)
Janis Altman,
November 4, 2012 10:34 PM

Your words not only touch my heart but you have articulated so eloquently what mere words seemed too difficult to express.
What an amazing mother Marina is.The depths of her cries and pain is inconsolable.How dare anyone ever pass judgement on another mom whose loss is so great.I hope you shared this on her blog so that someday she will see the enormity of your wisdom and integrity.

(9)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 7:32 PM

Thank you & Response to #1

Just had such a challenging day as a mother and this was exactly what I needed to read - thank you!
As for comment number 1 - don't judge anyone until you are in their place. If you are talking about sensitivity, you should be focusing on your own obligation of sensitivity towards others and not what others owe towards you. Children are not robots and it has nothing to do with their parents sensitivity towards others. Contrary to popular belief you cannot always control others, especially children who need to run around and have proper sleep and struggle terribly lacking the ability to do these things being crunched up on a plane. I get the sense you have not flown with small children before?
May we all have the ability to be givers and not takers in every sense of the word giving each other benefit of the doubt and thinking about what we can do for others rather than for ourselves and our own suffering!

Mike,
November 5, 2012 1:40 AM

Thanks

Thank you for your article. I to cannot not imagine the loss of their children. I am a single father and my daughter is my world. This evil has come into our lives. And it gets closer and closer.

(8)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 5:40 PM

What is trust??

Sara Debbie your article gave chills, and only because I identified myself with your own sentiment. I don't think anyone else who is not a mother would be able to write such a well articulated, heart felt article. I too felt Marina's pain when I read about the ignominious killing of her children from a financially trapped and frustrated nanny. My heart goes for the Krim parents who trusted that money hungry monster to care for their children, and then refused to help with anything else claiming she was not being paid extra for the extra help. The monster could not take into consideration not only that she was treated as a family member by the parents but also, the show of trust and affection from the children toward her. A big lesson for all sort of employers, especially parents who hire nannies. Thanks for a wake-up call article. May Hashem protect you and your family always.

Raphaelle Do Lern Hwei,
November 5, 2012 5:48 AM

Caregiver Violence Whose Responsible?

I could not agree more with the above comments. There is always another side. Though things have been improving with the adoption of ILO 189 regarding welfare of foreign domestic helpers. Face it. If Nanny does not have one day off a week and annual leave, plus being on call to toddlers and babies, she may become depressed.
We have nursing home overseas nurses rough handling clients when transferring them. Further observation revealed that they live in cramped staff quarters with poor ventilation - cargo container rooms.

sam,
November 6, 2012 4:17 AM

are you joking?

please don't tell me that being underpaid and overworked is an excuse for cold blooded murder of two innocent children. I'm all for better working conditions, but to imply that there is "another side", that we have to put ourselves in the shoes of a horrific monster, is shameful.

Anonymous,
November 7, 2012 5:55 AM

I agree with sam, even if there is "another side" it has nothing to do with the working conditions it could have to do with physiological issues or other health problems.

(7)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 4:23 PM

Thank You

Thank you for the beautifully written article.

(6)
Charlotte,
November 4, 2012 4:14 PM

GOD BLESS THE KRIM FAMILY

I have not stopped thinking of Marina Krim at all. I still get up in the night sometimes I hear her scream, other times I just pray. I have gone to temple a couple of times to just pray. I want to do something for her, but I have no idea what I can do at all, Little Nessie, may not know what happened by she knows her siblings are not with her, and she did see mom so traumatized that I send her much love and prayer too. Poor Kevin, went on a trip kissing his family bye, and came home to half his family How sad, now he has to hold his wife up, God only knows how she is coping.
The storm for me was only symbolic of the utter devastation the mother feels. LIKE a sign from the heavens as a result of what has been taken from earth. I think god was mad as hell and the world is weeping. The storm did not faze me, as much as my inner storm did.
God Bless the Krim family.

(5)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 4:10 PM

Thank you for your heart!

I too lost a child and at the hands of "good intentions" in the hospital. My husband and I grieved and struggled by so many saying hurtful things they thought was wisdom I needed. I learned to see that no matter how big or little I think the hurt is for someone , it is still their pain. I want to come along side them and bear it with them I had two close friends that called and sent a flower on the monthly anniversary of my daughters death. It met me where I was at and helped me heal. May we all come along side one another and learn to love the way the other person needs to be loved without all the unnecessary words but in deed.

(4)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 3:47 PM

How can you say that after reading this article? I cant exactly drive a car from baltimore to london, so untill they have that figured out, I have to take a 6 hour flight to visit my in law with my young kids, and even with my best preparations of packing bottles and giving advil one of them will scream for long then the people who never had kids on the airplane would like. Take ear plugs if you don't like it.

Rob,
November 4, 2012 4:24 PM

Let your parents visit your children

In and on public accommodation like planes and restaurants, there, parents do not have the right to inflict their ill-behaved children on others. Parents and childless people have the quite reasonable expectation in these places that their experience and patronage will not be ruined by others; mutual civility is required. Parents lived without restaurants and air travel for thousands of years; don't take your children to such places until they can behave for the duration of the outing. The world does not revolve around your and your children; parents and their children need to adapt yourselves and behavior to the world of others.

Anonymous,
November 7, 2012 6:02 AM

I am sorry,
however I dont think you could group restaurants and planes.
With a restaurant, it is USUALY unnecessary to go when there is the option of takeout or home cooking.
However a plane? if people need to travel then they need to travel and parents will always try their hardest to insure that their children do no misbehave however how can they ever know? Furthermore, they should still have the privilege of traveling even if you decide that its rude. Like you said the world does not revolve around you.

(3)
Sara,
November 4, 2012 3:30 PM

Wow!

You don't "let" a baby scream anywhere, even a plane! Babies scream for all sorts of reasons and sometimes you cannot calm them. You don't know your baby is going to be distressed, you have to work with what you have. Do you feel that this mother and baby lack consideration for you, personally, or are trying to upset you? Wow!
I am thinking you had a really bad day and that's why you are upset!

(2)
Tova,
November 4, 2012 2:26 PM

Thank you for your beautiful words. As a mother of 4 I know about this non-stop self-blame and self-doubt. Everyone has an opinion how you should be with your children and everyone knows better than you what's best for your children. I always feel that like Hashem makes matches between men & women, the same way he makes matches between parents and children. Particular little neshamos go to a particular set of parents. If Hashem put our children's neshamos with a tough mother like me and my a bit crude but very funny husband, I guess that's what our kids need. They are thriving! They are energetic, excitable, loving, enthusiastic, smart. And still I get once in a while all those: "you can't do that", ""you shouldn't say that"... It IS a tough job to be a mother. You're right - criticism is everywhere, no matter what you do. That's why I always make it a point to complement a mother if I observe their child doing a right thing, like sharing, picking up, being kind, playing nicely, offering help, etc. And I appreciate when others do it with regards to my kids. Parenthood is the hardest job there is. We should be less judgemental because in all truth... we HAVE NO IDEA what anyone deals with on the day to day basis.

Judy,
November 4, 2012 7:19 PM

Your words were so full of the truth. You said this with such clarity and feeling, who could disagree...

(1)
John Smith,
November 4, 2012 1:25 PM

If you let a baby scream for hours on a plane you are not doing the best you can and should not be on that plane. It's called showing sensitivity to others.

C Rosen,
November 4, 2012 3:59 PM

Ignorant

I would guess you are not a parent, or if you are, you have exceptionally well behaved babies! No matter how sensitive you are to others, you sometimes can't stop a baby from crying no matter how hard you try...

E Roth,
November 4, 2012 4:22 PM

repsonse to Jonh Smith 2012-11-04

Such an INSENSITIVE remark from a person asking for sensitivity!!! Having been on all sides of this issue as a young traveling mother, now bubby of many...no parent "lets" a child cry any more than not. There is sometimes just no way to control variables as vast as air pressure changes on tiny ear canals, motion sickness, brewing illness...the list goes on and on. I am not judging, just asking Mr. Smith to look beyond his own discomforts and imagine a bit more compassion for someone trying to do his or her best.

mama,
November 4, 2012 5:08 PM

"John Smith"

How about asking the mom of that screaming kid if you can help? Read the Stephen Covey book and read his story of being annoyed with wild kids on a train, talking to the father and then finding out their mother just died in the hospital. This is called a paradigm shift into compassion.

Danielle,
November 4, 2012 5:54 PM

sometimes it's hard to calm babies down

We only had our toddler flying once on a four-hour plane. She started to get tired after some time and not only she refused to fasten her seat belt, she acted very uncalm, causing trouble to us and screaming a lot. Only puzzles and candies calmed her down, but when they are only a year or two old, it's hard to predict how they will behave, even if parents do everything to calm them down.

Anonymous,
November 4, 2012 6:52 PM

John...do you have children of your own?

I have been on very long flights with crying babies and thought that I was losing my mind. But I never blamed the parents. One never knows the cause of the crying. This can be an irritable baby, a sick baby, a mother who just doesn't know how to cope with her baby. Whenever I took my children on plane trips, I was well prepared with snacks, toys, books, etc. My kids were always great! However, our first granddaughter had a GI problem which was FINALLY diagnosed when she was about 8 or 9 months old. Before that she cried for many hours during the night because she was in pain. The doctors pooh-poohed it and we tried every kind of remedy we could find on the internet (and my husband is a physician!). I still don't understand how our children survived...but today our granddaughter is a lovely, sensitive, caring nine-year old. Please try not to be so judgmenta of others until you walk in their shoesl. Oftentimes people have to travel with children and sometimes they are cooperative and sweet and other times not so. Our granddaughter, by the way, was fine on the plane trips...just not at home on a daily basis until we resolved her discomfort!!!

Joy,
November 4, 2012 7:04 PM

Airplane solutions

John, so I take it you would suggest smothering the infant or child so quiet will reign?

Anonymous,
November 7, 2012 5:58 AM

showing sensitivity to others would probably be being sensitive to mothers who must travel and are probably very embarresed that they cant stop their child from crying.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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