Life is for Love

Raising emotionally healthy children requires plenty of attention and affection. Easier said than done.

During the last 13 years I've had the privilege of studying an essentially "ancient" sect of Jews in Jerusalem who conduct their lives as their ancestors have for thousands of years. These people are single-mindedly committed to the precise preservation of their culture's insights and customs, as were their parents and grandparents. Through their eyes I am gaining a glimpse of how Jewish communities from long ago approached life in general and educational issues in particular. These traditional Jews represent an anthropological gold mine.

I will never forget the night when one traditional Jewish scholar spoke about the centrality of love. While his students sat beside him ready to absorb that evening's instruction, their teacher lifted a worn volume of the Torah, opened it, and began to read: "See that I [God] have placed before you life and good, and death and evil; and I am commanding you to love..."

The elderly scholar paused, his eyes closed, deep in thought. Then, with his eyes still closed, he repeated, "I have placed before you life... and I am commanding you to love." He brought the book closer to his eyes, squinted to see the tiny print, and read from the 11th century commentary of the Spanish scholar, Rabbi Abraham Ibn Ezra: "This verse teaches us that life is for love."

The Talmudic master closed his eyes again. Then he repeated, "Life is for love." Every creature has its purpose, and ours is to forge relationships, to create closeness.

ATTENTION IS THE KEY

Today, my colleagues back at UCLA and Harvard are catching up with Jerusalem's traditional Jews. Most secular researchers today believe that children do better when they are raised as if life is for love. Specifically, people in the university are beginning to stress the importance of attention and affection -- two pillars of the traditional Jewish approach to childrearing.

When we are attentive to a child's needs, we create a sense of security and confidence.

The first step in loving a child is being sensitive to his needs and attending to them. This is not an easy task. Many new parents are shocked by how difficult it is to sustain sensitivity and attentiveness throughout the day and night. We have no choice, however, since attentiveness, and all the love it represents, is crucial to our child's development.

When we are attentive to a child's needs, we create a sense of security and confidence -- what psychologists call attachment -- and this provides the internal strength children need to handle stress later in life. When researchers in New Jersey evaluated attachment levels in 1-year-old boys and then followed the children for several years, they found that 40 percent of the insecurely attached boys showed later signs of psychopathology, compared to only 6 percent of the securely attached boys.

Research also links self-esteem to attentive parenting. Moreover, not only do attentive parents produce sons and daughters who enjoy greater self-esteem than other children, this positive self-image persists up to 20 years later. In one study of women raised in Islington, England, investigators found that children raised by more responsive parents were twice as likely to have positive self-image in their adult years as those raised by less responsive parents. And children who feel good about themselves have higher aspirations, do better in school, earn higher salaries when they grow up, and handle stress more effectively than children with low self-esteem.

Parents sometimes worry that attentive parenting undermines independence and confidence. The opposite is true. "Children who experience consistent and considerable gratification of needs in the early stages do not become 'spoiled' and dependent," explains Dr. Terry Levy, President of the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children, "They become more independent, self-assured and confident."

Children cry less frequently and for shorter duration after their first nine months when caregivers respond promptly during the child's first nine months. Conversely, children who do not receive enough attention early on tend to be clingy, suffer from separation anxiety, and respond with panic when pushed to explore the world or when left in the hands of an unfamiliar caregiver.

NIGHTTIME CARE

Although our children always need our sensitive responses, they especially need them at night. The combination of drowsiness and darkness makes children feel especially vulnerable. We have to make special efforts to be attentive to nighttime distress.

The effect of ignoring children's nighttime cries was tragically illustrated during the only modern, cultural experiment in which children were voluntarily secluded from their parents during sleeping hours. Beginning in the 1930s, parents living on Israel's secular kibbutzim elected to sleep their children away from home in communal children's facilities. The small staff size at these facilities made it impossible to attend promptly to every cry, but the early pioneers of the kibbutz movement hoped that their children would adjust to the less attentive arrangement.

A barrage of studies found that the graduates of kibbutz children's facilities suffered disproportionately from a range of psychological disorders, including attachment deprivation traumas, major depression, schizophrenia, low self-esteem, and alcohol and drug problems. By 1994, more than half of all children on Israeli kibbutzim exhibited symptoms and psychopathologies associated with insecure attachment.

Professor Carlo Schuengel, an investigator from Leiden University (The Netherlands), echoed the findings of many earlier researchers when he identified the cause of the psychological disintegration kibbutz children experienced: "Although collective sleeping may allow for sufficient monitoring of children's safety, it leaves children with only a precarious and limited sense of security."

As data poured in revealing the damage that had been done by children's sleeping facilities, kibbutz leaders abandoned the experiment. The last of the kibbutzim's 260 children's facilities was finally closed in 1998.

CRY-IT-OUT?

Frighteningly, some children in the West are being exposed to just such inappropriate child-care arrangements today in their own homes. The "cry-it-out" sleep-training program offers parents an effective alternative to the hassles of nighttime childcare. Behavioral psychologists behind the plan have demonstrated that infants whose nighttime cries are not answered really do stop crying within as little as three days. Although the program has been touted as "a new, revolutionary method for teaching children to sleep through the night," it constitutes no more than a revival of the disastrous kibbutz experiment, and what it really teaches children is despair.

Ignoring a child's nighttime cries might eventually produce quiet, but it does not cultivate security.

People are attracted to the cry-it-out method for the same reason they are attracted to many other destructive childraising techniques: It offers a quick behavioral fix. However, intelligent educators take into account the long-term effects of every childraising strategy. Ignoring a child's nighttime cries might eventually produce quiet, but it does not cultivate security.

Thus, children trained with the cry-it-out method were found to wake more often throughout the night, sleep less efficiently, and walk around with more daytime tiredness than children attended to by their parents. Moreover, children deprived of nighttime comfort are at risk for all the psychopathologies discovered among children who slept in kibbutz children's homes.

CREATING AN ATTENTIVE ENVIRONMENT

Attentive parenting extends far beyond nighttime care. For example, throughout the day, newborns yearn for eye contact with their caretaker. They naturally focus on objects 7-12 inches away, precisely the range needed to see parents' eyes when held in their arms. Infants also respond with pleasure and intense interest when shown a mask of a human face. When the lower part of the mask is covered, infant response remains unchanged. However, when even one eye on the mask is covered, infants exhibit displeasure and lapse into apathy.

As children mature, they continue to need parental attention. Toddlers thrive when we play with them, and preschoolers experience ecstasy when we read them stories. It does not seem to matter much to our children what we play or what stories we read, as long as we are giving them our full attention.

Elementary school children need us to listen to them as they retell the day's adventures, and they will often repeat the same stories over and over again just to hold our precious attention. They crave our participation in their homework and in their play, too. If our children learn that they can count on us for the attention they so badly need during their early years, they will continue to turn to us throughout teenagehood, too.

THE AFFECTION INGREDIENT

Affection is more than just attention. Attention just requires being responsive to a child's needs. Affection is the next step. It is warm, and it is the most powerful medium we possess for communicating love. We need to make special efforts to infuse this magical ingredient into our interactions.

As it happens, Ugandan mothers tend to be more attentive and responsive than many American mothers. Dr. Mary Ainsworth, Professor of Child Development at the University of Toronto and the University of Virginia, found that Ugandan children consequently exhibit more secure attachment than a comparison group in Baltimore. However, Ugandan mothers do not try to elicit hugging or kissing, and the Ugandan babies very rarely manifest any behavior pattern even closely resembling affection.

Holding back affection has consequences. Dr. Ainsworth found that the Ugandan children who had been deprived of affection in turn treated each other indifferently. Dr. Kevin MacDonald, Professor of Psychology at the California State University of Long Beach, reports that such behavior is predictable. Children growing up in less affectionate societies exhibit less prosocial and altruistic behavior. Conversely, warm parenting tends to produce heroic, pro-social behavior in children.

Affection also primes children for friendship and intimacy. A plethora of scientific literature reports that children who receive more affection tend to have more positive peer interactions and closer friendships. Dr. Bowlby reports that children growing up in affectionate environments are also about one-third more likely than children raised in unaffectionate environments to marry and remain married.

PREVENTING DELINQUENCY

Hugs defuse delinquency. So say researchers at the Duke University Medical Center who compared the backgrounds of normal children and delinquents. After controlling for a range of factors, the Duke researchers discovered that parental affection was the active ingredient. They conclude their report noting that, "Violent boys were almost twice as likely as matched control subjects to have fathers who never hugged them or expressed verbal affection."

Lack of parental affection is "one of the most important predictors of serious and persistent delinquency."

Criminologists at the University of Illinois and Northeastern University also report that lack of parental affection is "one of the most important predictors of serious and persistent delinquency." Sociologists at the University of Wisconsin and Florida State University reviewing the psychological literature, similarly find "absence of warmth, affection, or love by parents" associated with aggressiveness, delinquency, drug abuse, and serious criminality.

HARDWIRING KIDS FOR GOODNESS

Psychologists differ over how warmth cultivates goodness. Some suggest that children are simply more willing to accept the values of parents and teachers when these authority figures are affectionate. Others propose a biological mechanism, arguing that affection actually develops parts of the brain responsible for conscience and internalized moral orientation.

Dr. Harry Chugani, a neurologist at the Children's Hospital of Michigan, revealed in 1998 that children raised in love-deprived environments show evidence of abnormal metabolism in a specific area of the brain's temporal lobe thought to be involved in social functioning. "I think we can hypothesize," Chugani says, "that what we saw in these [PET] scans is related to neglect, to a lack of maternal-infant interaction at a critical phase."

A group headed by Elinor Ames at Simon Fraser University in British Columbia conducted what many deem the most thorough study of children raised in Romanian orphanages, and concluded their report, "Orphanage experience tends to dampen all areas of intelligence [including] fine-motor, gross-motor, personal-social and language development."

Taken together, the basic ingredients of love -- attention and affection -- might constitute the single most important factors in human development. Love is not a luxury.

MAKING TIME FOR LOVE

Practically, what all this data means is that we need to pour on lots of attention and affection, and this takes time -- more time than most people who are not yet parents would ever believe. One American mother -- who held advanced degrees from Stanford, the University of Southern California and the University of California -- recently confessed to me, "All the academic challenges I faced, including writing my doctoral thesis, don't compare to the challenge I face now raising my three children."

Often, finding time for our children is the most difficult aspect of parenting. Dr. Bowlby addressed this challenge during his 1980 talk to the psychiatric staff at Michael Reese Hospital:

Looking after a baby or toddler is a 24-hour-a-day job seven days a week, and often a very worrying one at that. And even if the load lightens a little as children get older, if they are to flourish they still require a lot of time and attention.

For many people today these are unpalatable truths. Giving time and attention to children means sacrificing other interests and activities. Yet I believe the evidence for what I am saying is unimpeachable. Study after study... attest that healthy, happy, and self-reliant adolescents and young adults are the products of stable homes in which both parents give a great deal of time and attention to the children.

Long before the first child is born, we must come to terms with the fact that our lives must change dramatically; that we must refocus; and that sacrifices must be made.

LONELY CHILDREN

Today in the United States, more than 60 percent of mothers with small children work. More than half of American parents polled say they do not have enough time for their children. Indeed, over the last 20 years, the average amount of time parents spend each week with their children declined by 12 full hours.

More than half of American parents polled say they do not have enough time for their children.

The average American teenager spends three and a half daytime hours completely alone every day, and in the words of a Newsweek reporter, "The unwelcome solitude can extend well into the evening. Mealtime for this generation too often begins with a forlorn touch of the microwave."

The pediatric inmates in Romania's notoriously indifferent orphanages got only about 10 minutes of conversation a day. The average U.S. teenager speaks seven minutes a day with her mother and five minutes a day with her father. Author Patricia Hersch, describing experiences she had preparing a book about affluent teens in Virginia, confesses that "Every kid I talked to at length eventually came around to saying that they wished they had more adults in their lives, especially their parents."

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS

Men have a lot to gain and little to lose when their wives go to work. They benefit from the supplemental income, and they are less sensitive to their children's loneliness than are most mothers. As Yale University professor David Gelernter explains:

Most mothers, my guess is, have always valued the best interests of their children above money or power or prestige, and still do. And I would claim, too, that the typical husband would always have been happy to pack his wife off to work; he had no need of Betty Friedan to convince him that better income in exchange for worse child care was a deal he could live with. Society used to restrain husbands from pressuring their wives (overtly or subtly) to leave the children and get a job. No more.

Women, on the other hand, feel enormous stress trying to balance the demands of work and parenting. Without doubt, following children, women are the number-two casualty in dual-career households. The New York Times columnist and mother of two, Anna Quindlen, mused recently:

Betty Friedan wrote in "The Feminine Mystique" that the question for women in those times was "Is this all?" Now, of course, we feel differently. I hope this is all, because I cannot handle any more.

Even the 1960s radical feminist, Sara Davidson, admitted in 1984, "How to reconcile family and career is the crucial unresolved issue in women's lives." She expressed the frustrations of millions of women when she wrote, "All my time is spent on three things: baby, work, and keeping the marriage going. I find I can handle two beautifully, but three pushes me to the edge."

Working women's stress often has health consequences. Researchers at Duke University found that full-time working women with even one child at home excrete higher levels of the distress hormone cortisol than men or full-time working women with no children at home. A study of full-time working mothers in England found that they experienced 50 percent more illness and injury than mothers who stayed home to raise their children.

Other studies find that working mothers earn the "highest scores for feelings of tension and time pressure" among U.S. adults, report "greater perceived stress" and lower self esteem than homemakers with infants, and adopt a pattern of "diminished attention to their own personal health and well being" in order to cope with role overload.

Employed mothers might also withdraw emotionally from their newborns, to avoid separation anxiety upon return to their job. "Many working parents guard themselves against an intimacy with their children that might cause pain when they return to work," says T. Berry Brazelton, Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at Harvard University, "It is too painful to recognize the delicious closeness only to give it up."

AVOIDING THE ISSUE

Many dual-career couples know that something is amiss, but search for solutions that will not compromise their careers. The old trick of calling upon Grandma is not an option since most grandmothers work too. A pamphlet distributed by MCI Telecommunications offers some technological bandaids including: sending messages by fax, tape-recording bedtime stories, arranging for the videotaping of children's events that take place while parents are away.

Even the parent too busy to record his own bedtime stories can rely on the information age to see him through -- especially if he lives in New York, where a prerecorded storytelling-by-phone service called "Let's Imagine!" is available for 85 cents a minute.

Many turn to daycare, but this solution fails on two counts. First, the extremely rare, high-quality programs that nearly mimic one-on-one parental interaction cost nearly as much as most working moms make. Second, the more common, affordable programs provide much less of what children need most -- attention and affection.

Researchers at the University of Chicago and the University of Illinois demonstrated that many children put into standard daycare programs at age eight months exhibited attachment disorders by age 12 months. They conclude their report with the warning, "Repeated daily separations experienced by infants whose mothers are working full-time constitute a risk factor" for psychopathology.

Dr. Jay Belsky, a professor at Pennsylvania State University, similarly cautions that in all too many cases daycare produces "insecure attachment, heightened aggressiveness, noncompliance, and withdrawal."

Providing for the emotional needs of our children is not easy. Children need love. They cannot thrive without our attention and affection. If this demands a reshuffling of our lifestyle, it is a reshuffling we will never regret.

If life is for love, then the ordinary things that "ancient" Jerusalem Jews stress, like being there to give a hug and a caress, really do matter a great deal.

Visitor Comments: 31

(31)
Sara,
August 24, 2012 8:46 AM

Your mention of a causal link "identified" between the psychological disintegration kibbutz children and the way they were cared for (or not) at night time leaves one asking questions: There were several other radical unique aspects to the way kibbutz children were raised beside their sleeping arrangements. What about the fact that
kibbutz children were cared for entirely in the children's home, for meal times, dressing, showering, etc. went to school from the children's home and returned there as if it was their home and only visited their parents for limited amounts of time? The whole setup was a huge cultural shift from the norm and I am a bit flabbergasted at the suggestion that you can attribute the entire gamut of psychological issues that emerged in that population to one specific aspect of it, whereby children were left to cry at night. To the point where you claim that the CIO method creates the same scenario and risks the same types of psychological damage. I have trouble taking what you are saying seriously, without your at least addressing the glaring issues with the studies you are quoting and the conclusions you are coming to.

(30)
Jill Ater,
March 19, 2005 12:00 AM

You provided the research I needed

Thank you for your website! As the co-owner of an employment agency in Denver that specializes exclusively on placing parents into part time jobs, my partner and I have been asked to speak on work-life balance and how it related to Jewish values. I found several articles on your site to support our philosophy that family should come first, but that parents can still find a balance that allows for a career as well.
THANKS!

(29)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2005 12:00 AM

loving mother and graduate student

My situation is somewhat unusual. I began graduate school after spending a year as a full time mother. She was enrolled at a lovely, small day care center, but I cried the day I packed her diaper bag to start. Classes and exams were not nearly as hard as that change was for me! But through that first year I had the luxury of visiting twice a day to nurse and cuddle, then it changed into visiting once a day to read a story and chaperoning field trips for her center. Every night of her life (she is 6 now) I have laid down next to her and stroked her hair and sang to her as she drifted off to sleep. Now she is in school, doing very well, and her teachers invariably comment on her happy and loving nature, her ability to make new friends, and her courage. Yes, I did day care, and I never let her cry it out to go to sleep on her own (though I was very, very tempted). I can't say my choices are best, as every child and every family is different...all I know is that I am thankful to G-d that I found an answer in my heart for what my child needed and I was able to provide.

(28)
Anonymous,
December 1, 2004 12:00 AM

Yes, but...

The general idea of this article is absolutely right. However, a couple of qualifications need to be made.

First, it's one thing to give a child attention and affection, but it's another thing to spoil them. I would never recommend just ignoring the child's cries completely, but the reality is that sometimes you have to make a baby wait two more minutes while mommy goes to the bathroom. And while it may leave a child a bit clingy, that is remedied with patience and love.

Second, those studies about working mothers may not have taken into account the reasons that they are working, which may be causing the stress levels shown in the studies. In many families, the mother's income is needed to pay the rent and buy groceries, and as much as these mothers might prefer to stay home, all the attention and affection in the world mean nothing if the children don't have a roof over their heads or food in their stomachs.

Having said all of that, I do think that it's absolutely selfish of so many parents who can afford to have one parent stay home, but don't. And I also think it's selfish of parents to not spend whatever time they can with their kids. It's true- kids need whatever attention and affection we can give them.

(27)
Morgan,
November 30, 2004 12:00 AM

I enjoyed your article and agree with your message.

I know that a lot of religious women work part or full time to support their husband's learning or for supplemental income. How does that phenomenom fit into life for love and mothers staying home?

(26)
Judy Adair,
November 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank you for the extraordinary article. My grandchildren are so fortunate that my daughters-in-law (their mothers) are following the tried and true method of affection and attention.

(25)
tanya,
November 14, 2004 12:00 AM

what a comforting article!

This article rang so true for me. As a child of a single mother, my brother and I came home to an empty house. We floundered. For myself that translated into never really knowing what direction I was going in. I felt like no one ever really cared. Even today I suffer from low self esteem, occasionally. Now I have two children and I am blessed to be a stay at home mom. I started having children in my late 30's, after having a career, so now my attention is to my children. I never let my children cry it out. I have always been there for them. We never went through separation anxiety. They thrive at school. I was so happy to read this article because sometimes I've been told (by my father:) that children shouldn't always be the first priority...........which is the way he was..........and that makes me work twice as hard to ALWAYS make my children the FIRST priority!

(24)
Michelle Gambill,
May 1, 2004 12:00 AM

busy moms raising intelligent children...

I was surfing the net for some info for a presentation I have to give. The title of my presentation is to be "busy moms raising intelligent children". As a Christian, school teacher, counselor, and busy mom, I found that this site makes perfect sense and is how I am raising my child. LIFE IS FOR LOVE. You will find that children raised this way ARE successful and intelligent-they have the foundation to be!!!! I think that just that statement is SO profound. As a mother who is also a school teacher, I prepared my child for the beginnings of school, not by teaching her "stuff" and "information", but by talking to her daily, loving her, nurturing her, doing things with her, feeding her love!

(23)
celestino cedeno jr.,
April 21, 2002 12:00 AM

Very well learned

Thank you so much for this wonderful,and educating article on our children,,it is time we as parents take note and do more for our children ,to raise them as responsible adults,in a world gone wild,,,if we are going to have children we must take on the responsibility that comes with it..this article should be read by every parent everywhere,,and our children that are dependent on us will grow to become more productive and responsive adults,,,,thank you so much,,I have learned here a great lesson,,this is what I look forward to every week from the family parsha.

(22)
Zev Groner,
February 19, 2002 12:00 AM

It seems that one excuse for so many mistakes is that we are also developing ourselves.

"moradick"
I ordered Your book, which arrived today, two days ago. I can not put it down.

(21)
Anonymous,
February 16, 2002 12:00 AM

Very interesting

I would like the source for the quotes at the beginning of the article. (when quoting the several comments from the "traditional Jewish scholar". I could use them in a piece I have to prepare, obviously quoting where I found them.

(20)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2002 12:00 AM

this was a good article

Being a mom with 4 kids, it can be really difficult dealling with middle of the night crying. This article encouraged me to keep going and stay motivated with my 10 month old infant, who sleeps less than my 2 year old. Sometimes I know that I fall back and don't do as much to nurture him as I might, being exhausted from all the things I've got to do. Thank you for your encouragement and insight. I'm trying harder to work with his sleep issues. While he doesn't wake tons at night, he OFTEN wakes a good hour and a half before the rest of us are ready to be up. This has been hard.

(19)
Barbie Barton,
February 13, 2002 12:00 AM

regrets

When people grow old and have to face mortality they inevitably look back on life. My question is 'what do most people lament?' That they didn't have enough time to work? That they wish they had put in more overtime to their 'fulfilling careers?' The answer is a resounding NO! People lament not enough time with the people they love. Why is it that facing old age and/or death is the wake up call for most people? By then it is too late. I chose to make the sacrifices and stay home with my daughter. I have the rest of my life to work. I only get my daughter once. I'm not going to pay someone else to take on the responsibilty G-d gave me and I willing took on. I have already lost one child to death and I refuse to loose any other children because I can't 'find the time.'

(18)
Anonymous,
February 13, 2002 12:00 AM

Great!

This article was really great. Although it made me feel guilty about pursuing my Ph.D. with a 10 month old, I still think it gave me great information. I like how many different studies were incorporated, while at the same time basing it on the Jewish aspects.

(17)
Judith Cohen,
February 12, 2002 12:00 AM

Excellent article and well researched. Parenting is indeed the biggest job; physically, emotionally,mentally. Raising a good parent starts from day one of that parent's birth.

(16)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2002 12:00 AM

No Night Crying!

I also feel children shouldn't be left to cry all night - but I know what it's like to get up every 3 hours, too!

This recently worked for my four-month old; I hope it helps other readers:

1. Determine the longest your baby has slept on his own; for us it was 4 hours.

2. Feed him a supplement of rice cereal mixed with formula after his last feeding.

3. Start a bed-time routine for him. (For us, it was a bath, then a feeding, then a story, then the Shema.) Put him to bed after this routine.

4. Then determine that you will comfort - but not feed - your baby for however long he's slept before. Since it was 4 hours for us, we decided that after bed at 7pm, we wouldn't feed him again until at least 11pm.

5. When your baby wakes up crying before then, send your husband (who is not associated with feeding) in to the baby, to pick him up, comfort him, change his diaper, etc. Then put the baby back to bed without feeding him.

5. When your baby next wakes up - after the time you've decided to make him wait for food - then feed him. We found that this time kept lengthening for our baby. We started this system making him wait 4 hour for food; a week later, he was voluntarily sleeping for 7 hours without waking for feeds! It was like magic. (And we kept lengthening the amount of time we would comfort without feeding him; once he slept for 5 hours without waking to eat, for instance, we then refused to feed him at night until 5 hours had passed since his last feed.)

I hope this helps some other mothers. Please note, however, you should check with your pediatrician about the age to do this, and how long you can realistically expect your baby to go without eating. 7 hours for a 4-month old is appropriate; 12 hours would not be.

(15)
,
February 12, 2002 12:00 AM

I think the critiques offered here would be valid if the author means that the cry it out method should never be used and that children should be given constant attention at every moment of the day. However, I do not think that is the case. As one critic mentioned, she painfully reassured her child that the child was loved but would not be picked up. That is to say that her child had all the attention and affection it deserved along with a little dose of discipline which was not to be repeated thereafter. If you read the rest of Rabbi Kelemen's book, you will find that he touches on the subject of discipline and I am quite sure that what was meant by this article, as it stands alone, is to promote more love, attention and affection by busy, hard working american parents.

(14)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2002 12:00 AM

response to anonymous 2/11/2002

I am not writing this to state whether I agree with the author or not - I have used the Ferber method of comforting each of my 4 children in order to be a better mother who is well rested - though I do know of reliable sources that say that it instills a sense of cruelty in a child's psyche. I'm shocked that no one has anything nice to respond to this article! There is so much wisdom here, and all people want to
write are complaints about crying it out. In response to the negative comments regarding Rabbi Keleman's own experience as a father, I had the priveledge of being a guest in his home a few times before I was married, and rarely do you see a home filled with such peace and love between parents and children, and I will never forget the respect and kindness that he showed to his lovely wife - I always carry those memories with me to remind myself of how I should treat my own husband and children. Read his book before you blast him.

(13)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2002 12:00 AM

Thank you!

Thank you for your very relevant article. I recently put my career on hold so that I could stay at home and raise our 2 year old daughter. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. The time I can now spend with her is priceless and far exceeds any salary I would be making. It is true that while I was working, I was sick very often, or completely distracted by my not being with her.

Giving up my career has not been easy. My husband now must work two jobs and we are moving to a less expensive apartment to cut costs. In the long-run, however, my daughter knows she is loved because she is important enough to occupy my attention. Work can wait!

(12)
Anonymous,
February 12, 2002 12:00 AM

Thank you for saying it and backing it up scientifically

After 10 years of caring for my son the way Rabbi Kelemen describes, I can happily report that our close interdependence in the early years forged a bond that just keeps getting better and better. I did not have to work during those growing-up years and played, took walks, fed, and did everything with my son. Ten years later, our relationship is in a very communicative stage, and I hope that he will be just as open and sensitive when he is a teenager. I sympathize with women who must work, but I ask you to consider working at home or at a less pressured job, at least until your children are away at school most of the day, in order to reap the wonderful benefits from being an "old-fashioned mother" and a healthy, well-adjusted child.

(11)
Anonymous,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

too one-sided to be believed

This article purports to be objective by citing many "experts," but in fact shows a not-so-hidden agenda. The author's credential don't mention his own personal experience as a parent, making me wonder even more whether he knows what's really talking about or whether he's just furthering a traditional approach where the women take care of the children most of the time.

(10)
shmuel besser,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

just beautiful....

keep on writing,,,,,

(9)
Anonymous,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

Dear Dr. Keleman,

I think your article has many valid points. Thank you for writing it. I have been shomer shabbas for almost ten years and what initially attracted me was the emphasis on family. I currently have a wonderful family with a husband who works and learns daily. I work part-time from home with the intention of being here for my children.

I whole heartedly agree with the premise of both parents working full time makes it almost impossible for families to create the love and nourishment that children need. However, I am truly baffled by what goes on in Beis Medresh/Kollels. Many of the people I have encountered who are wonderful, spiritual idealistic people have been strongly encouraged to stay in learning at least 4-5 years after they are married. This is a beautiful foundation to a marriage. However, unless the people involved are coming from extremely wealthy families or the wife has a vast educational background in medicine or another high paying job, it is almost impossible to work part-time and support a family and small children. In fact several women that I have encountered have shared their feelings of wishing they could stay home with their children yet, feeling that it was important to stay in learning. Will there be extra siyata d'shmaya in raising their children since the mothers are not there 40 hours a week and the fathers are in full-time learning?
Will the same statistic apply to these people as the dual career families who raise their children with nannies?

How are we supposed to understand this confusing challenge of women being essential in Jewish childrearing while the kollels and seminaries encouraging their students to pursue learning beyond shana rishona?

I would greatly appreciate it if you would either comment directly to me or on this board.

Thank you.

(8)
Sharon Shimoff,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

Regarding comments made about R'Keleman

I wanted to respond to some previous comments made on Rabbi Keleman's article "Life is for Love". It hurt me deeply to see such a wonderful, selfless man verbally attacked. It is one thing for someone to disagree with the methods of childraising that R' Keleman prescribes (although he always backs up his views with research from the top universities worldwide). It is entirely different to attack the man behind the article, especially when you are unfamiliar with him personally and his other work/writings.

I was a student of Rabbi Keleman's at Neve Yerushalayim Seminary a few years back. Women flocked to his classes, which mostly centered around early child education, because it was clear to all who observed him that Rabbi Keleman practiced what he preached... he obviously is a caring and doting father/educator. During the time that I was in Israel, the Keleman's had 5 children, and I have heard numerous first hand accounts of the chesed (kindness) and attentiveness that he showers on his children. The selflessness of both Keleman parents is legendary in Neve circles. While I don't know for a fact who attends to the crying/kvetchy children at the Keleman household, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if Rabbi Keleman shared in the nightime responsibilities.

In addition, if one looks into R'Keleman's other works, he strongly suggests that women or men who are their children's primary caregiver must take time to care for themselves. He says that they must make sure to get enough sleep/ eat enough nutritional food, so that they can be attentive and loving to their children. If they need to be somewhat neglectful of other chores, then we must realize: what is more important than raising the next generation of mentches?

Having said that, I also believe that not all parents who employ the night time controlled crying method are selfish. It appears from her comment that Issilas is a caring mom who got professional advice before she used that method. However, we must be truthful and admit that we live in a very selfish society where we rarely put childrens' best interests first. I would advocate that we all examine our reasoning and all the psychological etc. implications of using certain methods before we utilize "short-cuts" in childraising.
If anyone would like to find out more about R' Keleman's views on childrearing/ etc., please visit: http://www.lawrencekelemen.com . Take care!

-Sharon

(7)
lisa,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

not true about night time crying

I have never responded to an Aish article before finding them always accurate and informative but this time I must take issue with this writer about the night time controlled crying method. He implies that it is only neglectful and selfish parents that use this without a thought for their children and that these children wander aroudn in the day insecure and tired and wake more frequently and cry at night.

Nothing, nothing, nothigng could be further from the truth. This method is not cruel or used by selfish parents. This method ( success of which is acheived in as little as 3 nights contrary to what the writer states) is used by parents at the end of their tether with an older baby who most likely wakes up to 8 or 9 times a night and who may have not have slept collectively more than a few hours at a time since the birth of the baby at least 6 months ago ( as the method is not recommended for children under 6 months). Your writer should try not sleeping for such lengths of time and see how he feels - sleep deprivation is a very effective form of toruture and many mothers must go to work or attend to other children'ts needs.

On to the method. The controlled crying method does not abandon the child. We go into the child every 5 mins and reassure them verbally to let them know mummy or daddy is there but do not pick them up. Their cry is of fury that they are not bieng picked up.

I will tell you m,y experience. I breastfed both my older children till they were 2 and a half and 2. Both slept in my bed and neigher slept more than 2 hours at a time. my marriage suffered and my health suffered. I sitll wanted to breastfeed but I wanted some sleep. Perhaps Mr Kelemen would call me selfish for wanting to sleep a full night when I have young infants. I tried the controlled crying method with my darling daughter when she was just over a year old and it worked in 2 nights. On night 3 she slept through and I wept tears of joy and gratitude to hashem for the wisdom of the health visitor who had shared the method with me. The next day was the first day she ever had a happy tired free day. Of course it had exhausted her getting up all night for one year. The same pattern repeated itself with my son although i only waited for 9 months. Both are happy, intellingent and confident children who are well adjusted and popular.

With my 3rd child i did not feed her at night after 2 months. The frist night she cried for half an hour and then she slept through that night and every night - on breast milk and happily. She is large for her age and very bright and happy.

So please please do not listen to this man all you sleep depreived parents - controlled crying does work and will not produce tired insecure and clingy children but more properly, children who are rested and refreshed and are happy to start the day.

(6)
Anonymous,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

OK

I agree with most everything from
experience, but agree with the caveats about how much attention night-time crying requires. I would also love to see where the money that is imperative for sustaining this healthy happy children is to come from if there parents are to spend so much time with them. I know many many many frum families that work 2 jobs + "odd jobs"
to sustain a LOW working class level household, send kids to school
(DESPITE funding from the yeshivot/
seminaries), medical bills, clothes, mortgages..you should be honest not only about the blessings and joys, but also the incredible sacrifice and hardships and loss that come with being frum with even medium size families these days.

(5)
Anonymous,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

wow. this article was ectremely thought provoking. i am a teenager on the threshold of makinga career decision. and now i definatley realize that i might just have to settle for a less intesnse job then lets say becoming a doctor if i want to fosus on more important things in lige like family and marriage. it's good to take into consideration the facts when it's still early and they can sawy the direction of a decision. thanks.

(4)
Anonymous,
February 11, 2002 12:00 AM

Great Article

I believe that this is rings very true. We used the cry-it out method with our first child and it was so hard emotionally to hear him cry and not respond, it seemed so unnatural and cruel.

With our second child we let her sleep with us and she sleeps so much better then our first child ever slept.

The scientific data that backs up this type of parenting is amazing.

Thank you for this great article.

(3)
Anonymous,
February 10, 2002 12:00 AM

You had me crying

Being a working mother myself, I find that I sometimes feel so pulled it drains me in every way but mainly the only place I can afford to 'cop out' and that's my marriage and my own well being. I have no time to give my husband or myself, with being pregnant and caring for a yummy 7 month year old. Your article put things in perspective. I had been thinking of cutting my hours and will now do so with much more confidence!
Also, I have been saying for months that I strongly disagree with the method of letting kids cry and so have been getting up for 2 feeds a night till very recently. Because of this I can barely move the next day but I just instinctively knew it was the right thing to do. My mother, mother-in-law and husband thought I was nuts but I stuck to my guns. I can not wait to show them this article!!
Thank You!

(2)
Anonymous,
February 10, 2002 12:00 AM

I hate this sanctimonious crap. It's easy for him to say. I doubt he's the one getting up all night, every night. I've seen kids whose mothers do what he suggests. They don't whine less they whine more because they know they can play on their mother's guilt as created by articles like this. Who is going to take care of the mothers after they have collapsed? How does he expect mothers to do all this since I notice he didn't mention fathers? How does he expect this mother or father to nourish themselves and get their own rest?

(1)
naz afraimi,
February 10, 2002 12:00 AM

for sure its true

as a student of rabbi keleman and as a teacher, caring gets you a lot further than a "potch". it has worked with students of rabbi keleman of ages above 20, and with ages under 5. there is just no way to lose with a hug. keep up the love. thank you.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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