Wise Student - Interfaith Wedding Rabbi's Blog

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Saturday night I officiated
Courtney and Luke’s wedding ceremony at the BeloMansion, in Dallas, Texas.
Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:Let’s, Stephen Covey style,
begin with the end in mind. Courtney describes Luke proposing, in a way that
not only hints at how far back their relationship goes, but how naturally Texan
it, regardless of where they may currently live: “Luke proposed... on the
50-yard line of our high school stadium, which we had so many great memories
tied to. We were back home... for a college friend’s wedding and got to
celebrate with family and friends afterwards. It was a very exciting day, one
we both will always remember!”

Now, I say this HINTS at how
far back they go, because these kiddos actually did not meet in high school.
Don’t be crazy. They met in 5th grade.

They didn’t date then,
though. They waited until the ripe old age of 9th grade. From then on, Courtney
says, they “dated other people off and on but after the last home football game
of senior year, we told each other how we felt about each other and dated from
that point on. However, in early August, the night before I left for sorority
rush at OU, we decided to break up, so we could both enjoy our college
experiences. He was going to Clemson and we knew how tough that distance would
be.”

The word “we”, which
Courtney uses in the phrase, “we decided” is, shall we say, an interesting
choice. Here is how Luke remembers it: “While Courtney may say this was mutual,
I was never truly onboard for breaking up.”

Uh oh.

Don’t worry, though; he
knows she was right: “In hindsight, this was the best decision we could have
made, as we were much too immature to have lasted “long distance”. We went our
separate ways for several years, though we remained friendly and spoke often. I
returned to Dallas
for medical school, and she to teach, and one day during my second year we went
out and have been together since.”

In this, I believe they
teach us an important lesson. It’s not only important to be at the right place,
be it the BeloMansion or the J.J. Pierce 50-yard line.
It’s not only important to be with the right person, no matter when you met
them, be it in the fifth grade, high school or medical school. In fact, those
two variables might be comparatively easy.

It’s important that it be
the right time. And, sometimes, you might think you have hit the right time.
You might be utterly convinced of it. You still need to take a step back, be
objective, reassess the situation, and not be afraid of where that reassessment
takes you. And, if you do it right, you might just end up, like in the fairy
tales, happily ever after.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Saturday evening, I
officiated Ashley and JP’s wedding ceremony at the Asia Society, in Houston, Texas.
Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:One of the unwritten but
quite explicit rules of our American society is that if you work hard and play
by the rules, you can succeed. And, Ashley and JP are really hard workers. The
event industry, where they met, is defined by very hard work, coupled with
extremely long hours.

This is not only true of
Ashley and JP, in their professional lives. These two, like most smart couples,
have never taken their relationship for granted. They have carefully nurtured
and cultivated it, and it shows.

What is important to
recognize, though, is that that is not enough. The comedian, Conan O’brien’s
phrasing of the unwritten rule I began with acknowledges this. He says, “If you
work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.” Talk to Ashley
and JP’s friends, and you will know they have this one covered too.

Still, hard work and
kindness are not enough. The whole quote from Conan clarifies this, “Nobody in
life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work
really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

What else do you need, then?
Well, it helps if you have a little bit of luck. For instance, and I’m just
spitballing here, if you want to find your soulmate, it helps if you work in
the same industry. It helps even more if your employers do business with each
other. It certainly helps, if through that, you end up spending many hours
together by necessity, and get to know each other really well, as friends
first.

Luck can be extremely
humbling. Now, I know, when you think of JP, humble is not the first word that
comes to mind... Listen, however to what he says about how he feels about
having Ashley in his life, “I can’t say enough how lucky I think I am to marry
her. As I told her dad when I asked him for permission, ‘I always thought I
would marry my dream girl physically, my soulmate, or my best friend. I never,
in my wildest dreams, thought I would be able to find all three of them in one
person.’”

And Ashley feels the same,
“Everyday, I cannot wait to wake up next to JP, and know that I will be in the same
place together when we go back to sleep. He is my best friend, my #1 pest, my
prince charming, and the highlight of my day... I feel like I am... the
luckiest girl for winning his heart.”

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Kathryn
and Zach met at the ripe old age of…
ten years old. Like you do! You think I’m joking, when I refer to this as old
age; I’m not. They probably would have met much earlier, had Zach not arrived
at the school Kathryn had been attending since kindergarten, just in time for
fifth grade. If only he had known, I’m sure he would have gotten there much
quicker…

Now, they didn’t start
dating immediately, of course, though they did become friends pretty quickly.
Here is how Kathryn describes the subsequent development of their relationship,
over the ensuing eight years: “As we grew in age, our friendship strengthened,
and we began to develop feelings for each other. Over the years we watched each
other date different people, make difficult decisions, and slowly... grow into
the adults we are today. We began ‘officially’ dating during the last week of
high school, and about three short months later, my resolve fortified by liquid
courage, I told Zach that I loved him.”

Even after that, as is often
natural for young folks who have a long-distance relationship during college,
they practiced a little “catch and release”, in their dating relationship,
before they decided to make each other permanent life partners.

Now, it’s not like we get to
choose how we meet our mate for life, but Kathryn and Zach find the way their
relationship came into being and evolved along the way, to be perfect. As Zach
says: “Our story is not a fairy-tale love-at-first-sight story. But I would
argue ours is more powerful. The gradual nature of our relationship ensured
that the relationship was based on the character and qualities of the other.
This can’t be the case in love-at-first-sight situations. I believe
loving someone after knowing them for fifteen years, seeing them in their best
and worst times, and having the quality-time to become best friends, is more
romantic than love-at-first-sight.”

Well, Kathryn and Zach, in
that respect, tonight, you have made believers of us all…

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Saturday afternoon, I
officiated Alana and Colby’s wedding ceremony at Hotel ZaZa, in Houston, Texas.
Here are the remarks I shared with them and their
guests:

I ask every person I marry
to write an autobiographical essay about themselves. When I run across a
sentence in such an essay that says, “I’ll never forget the day,” I pay extra
close attention to what the person tells me next.

Here is how Colby describes
the day he will never forget: “I was struggling with which direction life was
taking me, trying to decide between going back to College for a second
Bachelor’s Degree in Engineering, going to work for Lockheed Martin as a
Financial Analyst, or finishing up my law school applications. It was that
morning... when my spirituality changed from religion and ritual to going with
the flow of life. My mom told me to not fight life, that I would never know
which direction life would take me, who I would meet, or what challenges lay
ahead.She told me to go with the flow
of life, not fight my love for math and go back to school for Engineering.”

Wow. Is that profound or
what? I find it to be, not only profound, but especially meaningful and
refreshing, in this highly goal-oriented society, where there seems to be a
pressure to always look forward, never look back, and keep climbing the
professional ladder regardless of how it feels.

Colby took this approach to
his first date with Alana, and immediately found a kindred spirit. Alana
describes who set them up, a great yenta in the cloud. No, not the clouds, the
cloud: “We are very traditional. We met on match.com... We [then] met up... [in
person]. We sat on the patio and enjoyed the fun ambiance and beautiful patio
with firepits at each table, good drinks... and even better company. We had so
much to talk about and were there for a few hours. While the frozen mojitos were
pretty tasty, it really was Colby’s easygoing and loving nature, his charming
good looks, intelligence and great sense of humor that captured my heart. I
couldn’t wait for our second date!”

Now, Alana leaves out how
going with the flow may have worked for her and Colby, but for her friends, not
so much… Colby picks up the story: “At 11 Alana looked down at her phone and
had missed around 100 text messages from her friends asking where she was! They
were concerned about online dating, and that she hadn’t gotten back to them!”

It wasn’t long before Colby
knew this was the one, who could go with the flow with him, long term: “I knew
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Alana, when I couldn’t imagine
opening my eyes and not seeing her next to me every morning. She is my best
friend, soul mate, lover, and adventurer. Life is chaotic, always moving in a
million directions at a million miles an hour, but I know we’ll move in them
together, through the ups and downs, and conquer them together.”

And Alana, cites this other
guy who gave her the final proof that she had made the right decision. You may
have heard of this other guy, who went by his first name only, Harvey. And, keep in mind, most of what Alana
describes here, Colby only told her later: “I know he will support me through
anything, and recent Hurricane Harvey is proof. He walked me to work through
the flood waters, filled with fire ants and sewage water, walking ahead of me
to make sure I didn’t fall through an open uncovered manhole into the sewers,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle style.”

Well, that gives a whole new
meaning to, “going with the flow,” doesn’t it?! All that’s left for me to say
is, cowabunga, let’s get to those vows!

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Saturday morning, I
officiated Gia and Bayo’s Jewish-Muslim wedding ceremony, at Brenner’s
Restaurant, in Houston, Texas. Here are the remarks I shared with
them and their guests:

One of the most beautiful
things about weddings is that there are no right ways or wrong ways to
celebrate this occasion. Every couple is different, and they may make different
decisions and choices, depending on any number of variables. In interfaith and
intercultural weddings, specifically, some couples choose to build a ceremony
that minimizes and deemphasizes their differences, while other couples choose
to highlight their differences, and celebrate them.

Now, if you know anything
about Gia and Bayo, you know what choice they would gravitate towards. They
both come from interfaith and intercultural families themselves, after all.
This figured into their relationship before they even met. As Bayo says, “I was
curious about her Jewish-Italian heritage because it reminded me of stories my
dad told of the ancient Roman Empire and the journey of the Israelites from Egypt.”

And, whatever differences
they had, they were very much in sync from the start. Gia says, “I knew after
talking with him that we shared the things that mattered most, and our values
and ideals were so similar. We both value family, spirituality, compassion, and
optimism. We both love adventure… and are very determined to reach our goals.
These things are so important to share with your partner…”

And Bayo acknowledges that,
though he “was captivated by her beauty and brain”, what sealed the deal for
him was much deeper. He saw in Gia, “a woman of high moral standing. In my
culture, good morals, trump material things. My mom always told me her prayer,
was for ‘the Lord to bless me with a good woman.’ I believe she can consider
her prayers answered, because Gia is the definition of a good woman.”

Once you have established
that you share what is most important, values, morals and character, you can
use your different characteristics to enhance your relationship. A Jew and a
Muslim, for instance, can bond not despite, but because they begin their
relationship during the holy month of Ramadan. As Gia tells us, “Bayo and I
started dating during Ramadan… We would meet in the evening after sundown
during the non-fasting period of Ramadan. Ramadan teaches Muslims how to
practice self-discipline, self-control, and empathy for others who are less
fortunate… Although I was not observing Ramadan with Bayo, my respect for his
practices… taught me these values as well…”

Bayo shares his
recollections from that time: “Gia was quite supportive and respectful of my
religious beliefs and practices during the entire period.” He adds what will
surprise no one who knows anything about Jews’ and Italians’ eating practices,”
She sometimes brought additional refreshment to supplement my meals for added
nourishment.” By the time Ramadan came to a close, Bayo says, “It felt like we
had known each other far longer than a month… Our relationship grew from there…
We began to see each other more often, and grew fond of each other… I soon
realized that I could trust her with my vulnerabilities as a lonely immigrant
trying to find his path and place in the land of the free.”

I recently heard a moving
interview with Julie
Lythcott-Haims, who talked about her upbringing and her journey growing up
in American society, straddling different cultures and identities. Her voice
cracking, she summed up what she felt was at the root of many of our challenges
today, in this land of the free: “We are suffering from a lack of compassion.”
It is in this context, that Gia and Bayo give me great hope, because the
strength of their relationship lies in the compassion their faiths taught them,
the compassion their families instilled in them, and their shared compassion
for others. Let us heed their call, and follow their call, and follow their
example.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Saturday afternoon, I
officiated Heather and Octavio’s wedding ceremony at Hotel Mazarin, in New Orleans, Louisiana.
Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

I ask every person I marry
to write an essay about themselves. This enables me to get to know them better,
and shape their entire ceremony. And their words also serve as the raw material
for these personal remarks.

I can’t tell you how much I
loved reading Heather and Octavio’s essays. They are so evocative and rich, and
you can really feel the depth of their love for each other. With such beautiful
writing, remarks like these almost write themselves.

Listen to Heather:

“I want to marry Octavio
because I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him. After eight years, I
feel like I know him as well as I know myself... He’s extremely caring,
patient, honest, hard-working, and romantic.

He’s helped me be more
patient, understanding, strong, and open to new experiences and cultures. We’ve
both been ready to get married for at least a few years now.”

And listen to Octavio:

“I feel lucky and blessed to
have her in my life, and have the opportunity to call her my wife and start a
family together is a dream come true.

She’s honest, funny, and
beautiful, but most important, she has a big heart, not just for me or her
family, but her friends, co-workers, and any person who she thinks needs help.

Para dios, nos casamos la primera vez que estuvimos
juntos. In the eyes of God, we have been married from the first time we met. To
love her is easy, marrying her is going to be one of the happiest days of my
life.”

Wow. See what I mean. Their
writing is almost like poetry!

What Heather and Octavio say
about each other, coupled with that phrase Octavio used, “To love her is easy,”
reminded me of one of the most unique songs of my childhood, “Lovin’ You”. You
owe it to yourself to go back and watch it on YouTube. When I did, I said to
myself, this is exactly what Heather and Octavio’s love story is all about!

The song was written by
another interfaith and intercultural couple, Minnie Riperton and Richard
Rudolph, and produced by Rudolph and a young man named Stevie Wonder.

To millennials, like Heather
and Octavio, Minnie and Richard’s claim to fame would be that they are the
parents of the great comedienne, Maya Rudolph. In fact, baby Maya’s name is in
the unedited version, because mom was trying to calm her.

“Lovin’ you is easy cause
you're beautiful... Lovin’ you is more than just a dream come true. And
everything I do, is out of loving you...

No one else can make me feel
the colors that you bring. Stay with me while we grow old, and we will live
each day in spring time.

Cause lovin’ you has made my
life so beautiful. And every day of my life, is filled with lovin’ you...”

Heather and Octavio, may
every day of your lives be, indeed, be a dream come true, filled with
mutual love.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Saturday afternoon, Rev. Grady Roe and I co-officiated Shelby and Alex’s wedding ceremony at Ma Maison in Dripping Springs, Texas.
Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:

When I was thinking about how Shelby and Alex have lived their
lives, as individuals and as a couple, I was reminded of the well-known saying
of Robert F. Kennedy, “There are those that look at things the way they are,
and ask why? I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?” I don’t know if RFK, who was a great friend of the Jews,
knew this, but he was channeling a very Jewish sentiment. After all, the answer
to the question, “Why do Jews always answer a question with a question,” is
just that, “Why not?” Seriously, though, there is something quintessentially
American about the willingness to push the envelope. It might be the most
pronounced marker in our cultural DNA. We see this in Alex, who out of the three choices available
to Jewish children, doctor, lawyer or accountant, entered college to pursue
that money-making juggernaut, film... But we also see it, perhaps because his
parents were wise enough to let him learn and develop his own ideas, in how he
adjusted course and chose marketing, allowing him to continue pursuing his
passion for creativity in a very practical fashion.We see this in Shelby, who coming from a family of lawyers,
naturally vowed she would never be one... She opened up to this idea, when she
discovered she had a knack for the law. Still she kept her options open by
studying business too, and working in the business world for a little while,
which solidified her passion for the world of law.Where we really see it, though, is in Shelby and Alex’s love story. Because Alex
had a “Why not?” attitude when he moved out to California to pursue what looked like a
great professional opportunity. Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out. (Spoiler
alert: Something else did…) Now, knowing he was about to return to New England, dating a Pepperdine student was a little
risky, all things being equal. As Alex says, “Before Shelby and I met, I was
apprehensive to even go on a date, because I knew I would be moving back to the
northeast so soon. It took some convincing… We went on a date, and then another
date, and another… We had such great chemistry right off the bat. We couldn’t
stop spending all of our free time together… We both knew that what we had was
something different, something special.” Shelby poignantly talks about
her feelings when Alex left California,
“When Alex moved 6 weeks later I was crushed, because I had developed strong
feelings for him and I thought I might never see him again… After he moved, we
talked to each other all-day every day… I went to visit him in Boston for New Year’s Eve and I think that’s
really when we both realized how special this was… After I graduated, I moved
to Boston to be
with him. This was a risky move… However, I had a gut instinct that this was
the person that I was going to marry…” If you are listening to this, you know
the rest of the story.There is a great lesson here for all of us, in life and
love. Objectively, at many different times in our lives, there is a strong
argument to just go with the flow. No one could have argued with Shelby and Alex had they,
as individuals and as a couple, chosen not to heed that advice when it seemed
that the odds were stacked against them. Happily, they did, deciding to just
give their relationship a chance and see where it went. In each and every one
of the pivotal moments in their relationship, they said to themselves and to
the world, “Why not?”