Why Mr Monopoly Deserves To Go Directly To Jail Without Passing Go and Without Collecting £200

Ahh Monopoly, that charming game that helps bring families together/rip them apart. It’s like the ultimate Friday night, capitalism, greed, money and power. In fact the only truly innocent thing about it was Mr Monopoly, that sweet old man who guided you around the board and taught you how to play. Surely he is the most adorable of all capitalist icons?

OR IS HE!!!???!?!?!?!???!

Well let’s think about this for a minute. In the original Monopoly, and pretty much every single Monopoly that followed other than the special edition games, Mr Stanley Monopoly was the ‘narrator’ of the instruction manual. He taught you how to play the game, what the various cards meant and the rules of different squares, but he also gives you the money for you to start with telling you to start your own property business or something along those lines. Why does he do that? I mean sure, he looks pretty wealthy what with his suit and top hat but does he honestly have enough money to support two-eight players aged 7 and up? Apparently so, but what does he get out of it? The answer is simple.

He owns you.

I mean think about it, he’s giving you money to start-up a company whereby you chose a symbol which you are known by for the rest of the game. You become Mrs Iron or Dr Car or whatever, these are business aliases. Then he tells you that the only way to succeed is to go out and buy property, which he’ll undoubtedly take possession of leaving you with only a token bundle of notes for your trouble. Mr Monopoly is getting you to buy all the properties in town for him under a false name, it’s the same as when rich people send lackeys to auctions to buy stupid shit for them. Alright, I hear you cry, but why not just get one person to buy up all the properties, why the need for multiple people? Well if one person did it then it would look suspicious, he needs multiple people to cover things up so that nobody sees that what Mr Monopoly is in fact trying to do is take over the city.

BEHOLD!! THE FACE OF EVIL!!!

The game ends when all of the properties are bought, and we can assume that Mr Monopoly takes them all from the respective players. He now has complete control of the main areas of the city: The power plants, the water companies, the train stations, the bars, the hotels, the restaurants, the country clubs, the shops, the department stores, all are now under the control of one man. He builds hotels on them and charges you whilst you’re on his land, public land mind you. It’s like you’re sitting in a bar but you have to pay for the privilege to be there. Also, when you buy hotels is there ever any legal work? Any planning permission? No, of course not, you just hand over the money and the thing is built. Isn’t that corruption? Mr Monopoly is paying to bypass all the normal paperwork and build on land that he charges people for being on. The entire city is in his pocket, he even has a get out of jail free card for Christ’s sake, the man is practically untouchable. But, like all corrupt assholes, Mr Monopoly eventually comes to the attention of the government, probably because he doesn’t pay taxes or something, and he has to do a runner. He sells all his property and flees, heading for the next unexpecting little city. That’s why there are so many versions of Monopoly, it’s this one guy constantly buying up towns with his vast wealth before being forced to leave because of the government’s inquiries. There are foreign versions of Monopoly, Family Guy Monopoly, Simpsons Monopoly, Star Wars Monopoly, Batman Monopoly, the list goes on and on and on, this guy just doesn’t stop. Mr Monopoly is a power-hungry tyrant, a man who devours entire communities through corruption. If you needed any more proof of Mr Monopoly’s intent his nickname is Rich Uncle Pennybags, this is a man profoundly obsessed with money. Whenever you play the game, he’s using you to increase his vast, vast billions. Mr Monopoly is about as innocent as The Pope, Scientology, Rupert Murdoch and Piers Morgan in one horrific ball of corruption, greed and ambition.