This is a blog about things I should be doing/eating/reading/crafting/learning or not doing. It is a sporadic insight into my mind and life. I can guarantee it WILL be random. It will touch on serious subjects that could include things such as my struggle with PCOS and Endometriosis or my college career. However,more often than not I will discuss the less serious subjects that could include my cats varying sleeping positions to why some people just can't drive.

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Sunday, November 20, 2016

It has been over a year since I last blogged. Blogging started as a place to share my feelings. A type of journal and right now that is what I need. I need to share my feelings and thoughts in a safe place. A place without judgement.

Do you have different types of best friends? I do. I have my guy best friend who is great but not someone I go to discuss the latest tampon fad. I have my longtime best friend, she is single and child-free and has been there a long time and knows A LOT. I have my online best friend(S) , someone I know I could be uber best friends with if we lived closer and I have my mom best friend. She is the best friend who is also a mom who went through pregnancy with you and birthing and baby stage and toddler stages. She is also married and understands the juggling of it all. You don't have a lot of time for each other with your schedules but when you do it is great. Your children are best friends and husbands are best friends. Mom friend and I just meld so well and we are lucky to have each other.

On Thursday morning, my mom best friend died. She was not sick and in hospice. She was at home and fine. She never woke up from her sleep. She'd broken her ankle a month ago and had surgery to put in pins then about 2/3 weeks ago was back in the hospital for an infection. She was in a lot of pain overall but we just thought it was normal. At this point we still don't know what happened.

What I do know is I am devastated and broken, which I know is nothing compared to how her husband and family feel. I KNOW this,but still I am at a loss. She and I didn't see each other too often (girls night every few months). We would frequently steal a few hours to meet at a LuLaRoe pop-up and chatty there or go line dancing or paint or play Bunco. We got to be more than moms when we hung out. She understood the importance of this better than anyone. Being a mom is great but it is important not to lose yourself too and we helped each other with that. We would message and keep in contact between our face to face fun. Our kids are 9 months apart so she would experience milestones just before me and I asked her advice.

I feel so much guilt. Like so much my body physically hurts. I feel guilty we didn't see each other more. I feel guilty I don't have more pictures. I feel guilty for still being here. I feel guilty for feeling guilty as I know her husband is experiencing so much more pain and suffering and mine must pale in comparison. I feel guilty I can't help her husband like I want to. She and I were the friends and he has his own helping him through this. I feel helpless and useless. I normally would reach out to her ask her for advice in times like these. She would give a good answer that I naturally would ignore and do the wrong thing and we would laugh about it later. Now, I don't know who to reach out to. Al lost his mother and father young. Leaning on him for this just isn't possible. She is the first person I have lost to death as an adult. I know that makes me lucky in a way but I don't feel lucky right now. I feel lost. A coworker mentioned I should "get over it" as she "knows" my friend wouldn't want me to wallow. I wanted to punch her in the throat. She never met my friend she doesn't know what she would or would not want. It hadn't even been 24 hours and they needed to STFU. I in not so many words said that while tears ran down my face. When I am busy I am better. I can keep my mind off things. But pausing causes my mind to jump start. Late at night it thinks and cycles through the "what ifs" and "should haves". It is almost 3 am and I am wide awake thinking and grieving. I am lost Bloggie World.

On another note. J is good and thriving. He will be 2 in a few weeks. He needs tubes in his ears and we meet with an ENT in Monday to schedule. I have a new job which calls for monthly travel. J has food allergies and is ANA to Eggs. He is at an amazing daycare facility and we will never move too far away because of them.

Al and I will be celebrating 4 years of marriage in just under a month but all I can think about is grief and how I don't want to leave or celebrate things this year. Our families always got together for Christmas and New Years. We'd already started talking about this years plans. Now she is gone and I am crying and broken. I know I will get up and go on for J and Al but, it isn't easy and I don't know when it'll stop hurting so much and then if it gets easier what does that mean?!? I don't want it to be easier. I don't want her memory to fade and I want her back.

Life isn't fair but this isn't new to us it's just a slap in the face reminder.