It gets the point across without feeding into the drama, putting her on the defensive or making yourself sound so belittling.

Family issues are not easy!

Yeah, the way I phrased it wasn't very nice...I was just summarizing because I was lazy . This was my actual email to her:

"I was worried you would be upset by my email and please know that was not my intention at all. I know that you mean them no harm, and that you have been a tremendous amount of help to us. Truth be told, I'm a little hurt that you took this as a personal attack instead of an open conversation. Yes, I am their mom, but I very much trust you and consider you guys part of the "team" in caring for them and I thought that we were close enough to have a mature discussion about things related to their care. The entire reason why I wrote that was so that we can have a mutual understanding about what the kids are eating and develop a plan so we are on the same page.

To be fair, the only thing on the list that you said she did not get was the muffin - the rest she did have per your email (doughnuts, cookies, fruit snacks,juice, soda, etc) so my request is not totally off base. Had I been wrong though, I still would have wanted to know because then I could address Lainey lying to me. I never implied that those were the *only* things she got, but I feel that this is too many sweets for one day and I wanted to bring it to your attention. You are grammie and grampie and I know you love your grandchildren and you love to treat them, and it is more than ok for her to get a treat once in a while. Conversely, there is no reason why, if Lainey finishes her lunch, she can't have strawberries as a dessert. It sounds like today she wanted carrot sticks for a snack, which is awesome! Lainey has developed a distaste for all things healthy (as many kids do) and I don't want to further alienate the healthy food by giving in to every sweet tooth, that was all I was trying to point out. Again, I am very sorry that you took my email personally. If my request comes as a hardship to you though, I would understand if you would rather I bring her lunch and/or find other arrangements (though of course I would rather they would be with you guys because they adore spending time there). Let me know."