As It Stands

Plus, I’m like day 3 into a fight with Andy that he has no idea we are having. I’m irritated as hell over his ambivalence, but he seems to be enjoying the quiet time to work on his hobbies.

So, while I’m giving him the silent treatment, I guess now’s as good a time as ever to catch you up.

As it stands, I love my waxed vulva. A few weeks ago, I got my first ever brazilian, and naturally, I recorded the whole experience for you. A month and a half later, with two waxings under my belt, contrary to popular belief, I don’t at all feel like a prepubescent girl. Or a toddler. Or like how I imagine Tilda Swinton looks naked. I feel clean and lovely. After just the first waxing, the hair grew back way thinner and sparse, and while it took 50 minutes the first time, it only took 25 minutes the second. Plus my underwear fits better now.

As it stands, dealing with school bullying is a marathon, not a sprint. I wasn’t prepared for that. When I found out my child was being bullied at school, I was enraged. When I found out it was physical bullying (typing this, even now, makes my eyes sting), it was like someone sprayed mace in my eyes and put air horns up to my ears. It was disorienting, and cut me off from my senses. I want to give you tips on how to address this, but the truth is, I have none. I’m an instant gratification kind of girl, so when A (racing into school like a hormonal mama bear) and B (the school verbally addressing the issue) didn’t lead to C (no more bullying), I was confused. Instead, two things happened.

1. The bullying kept happening. Less physical, more emotional. Teasing and poking and belittling. I grew more and more bitter that this moment was taken from my kid; that this experience will never be one that was carefree or happy or exciting. Kids deserve that. They deserve to walk into a school and not worry about recess, or being in the hall alone, or sitting at a lunch table.

2. I’ve become the Courtney Stodden of school moms; I ain’t going nowhere, y’all. I’m gonna be in your face, wearing my hypothetical teenage sized exotic dancer heels and poorly lip-linered lips, whether you like it or not. Driving for field trips, volunteering for events, helping in the classroom. I think we have this natural desire to not step on toes at our kids’ school. Fuck that desire. This isn’t just “stuff kids do,” and it’s not just “kids being kids.” Don’t let people excuse it away like that. Don’t let this be the warning signs we all missed 10 years down the road watching something horrible unfold on CNN. So, you won’t be president of the Best Moms at School Club. So, they may sigh a little when you storm in the front office doors. Who the fuck cares? What’s more important, having friends to chat with during car line, or having your child see you fight every day for them? The answer is the latter. Car line is for Candy Crush and blaring 90’s music, anyway.

As it stands, I’m still as shocked as you are that non-skinny girls putting on bikinis is actual news.But on the flip side, nothing makes me happier than an inbox full of pictures of hot ass women owning it in a bathing suit, and if I was a dude, I’d be in heaven and never leave my house. Someone asked me recently what my kids were going to think when they grew up and saw photos of me in a bikini on the internet. And my answer was simple. I hope they are confused. Confused as to why this was ever a thing, because in the word they live in years from now, beauty is beauty, regardless of size.

As it stands, Last Call Brittany is a boozey hit! We’re officially one of Google’s highest watched Live Hangouts with the largest viewer interaction. It’s the weekly night out you don’t have to leave your house for. Just make sure your kids are asleep and you don’t have an aversion private part words.

As it stands, I’m still addicted to eyelash extensions. I am currently on a two week break, because I’m being extra careful to keep my original lashes healthy, but honestly, I can’t imagine my life without these things. I know a lot of concern comes from them destroying your real lashes, but I haven’t had too much of an issue with this. First, I continue to apply RapidLash every night, just to keep my real lashes growing and strong. And second, I don’t pull the extensions off, I let them fall off naturally. Pulling them off is what makes them rip your natural lashes out with them. The extensions last about 3ish weeks for me, and loosing them one by one doesn’t seem to look too obvious, and if need be, I can easily fill in a spot or two with mascara until my next application. I get constant compliments on my lashes, my skin looks better because I’m not scrubbing mascara and eyeliner from below my eyes every night, and I’m needing to wear less make-up in general because I wake up looking like a dreamy eyed sex kitten.

As it stands Have Boobs Will Travel is going to be the funniest show ever.First of all, it’s really hard for me to sit in Ohio while the show is in edits and cut into sizzle reels. Mostly because I’m a giant impatient control freak, and as a “creator” by profession, I’m not used to not having a hand in this whole process. But Brad Savage, Greg Grunberg, Keilie Lefkovitz, Alice Clayton and Shane Johnson are brilliant, and we are so excited to now take our irreverent, potty mouthed, boob showing yet also slightly educational, baby to networks for pitching! Also, if you are a network, email me, you’re totally gonna want this show.

Comments

LOVE IT
okay, here goes:
As it stands, my writing career is at a bit of a standstill because I cannot devote the time it needs right now to keep momentum going. It’s not my favourite place to be, but it’s okay because I know I’ll get back to it when the rest of my life settles down.
As it stands, thankfully my days of having to deal with my kids getting bullied at school seem to have ended (thank god) but I have TONS of advice if it’s wanted from the YEARS we had to deal with this. The good news? The daughter who went through this the worst has emerged into the coolest fricken girl you’ve ever known!
As it stands, I have a humungous peice of news that I can’t share yet and it’s making me crazy.
As it stands, I have yet to meet you in real life and that is now officially on my bucket list.

As it stands, I’m off for my second embryo transfer in an attempt to serve as a surrogate for a wonderful couple. In finding your blog and recognizong this amazing thing my body can do, I’m starting to think thay the impefections in it are actually what make it pretty RAD!

Crying out loud (loud sobs emanating as tears pour down my face and my crew of painters–men–are freaking out) about the bullying then laughing hysterically (totally freaking the male painting crew out now–I think they’re officially afraid of me and fear some massive hormonal episode is happening) at so very much then smiling like a proud parent at the greatness of YOU.

you should know that even without straight up styling me, you have really had an influence on my style. not so much in what you wear (though i bought those shorts and LOVE them) but in how i’m approaching looking for clothes. how i’m feeling about myself IN clothes. how i’m looking at myself. which is with more confidence than i ever have before. i’ve lost a good amount of weight recently and buying clothes has been an experience for sure. and you’ve definitely helped me through it. so thank you so very much!!

I just read the eyelash extension piece…I’m new to your blog, but i LOVE it! And I think I’m a little behind you in my journey, but I do have those flashes of “oh my god, I actually notice something and think on how to improve it because I kinda finally like myself!” It’s an odd thing and if you’ve never struggled with it, I think you don’t know what it’s like.

I’m building a life where I’m okay. And that means sometimes new people, other times really difficult conversations with old people (about let’s not TALK about how we shouldn’t have eaten this or that, or how someone skinny is better). I had to tell my own father about two years ago that if he didn’t stop saying terrible things to me about how I looked, I would stop seeing him. He didn’t ever hear that I walked 6 miles a day or bought fresh fruit and veggies. Pretty much my whole life and yet, I’m just a big girl. That’s my body type. And I’m finally okay enough with that to defend myself about it. He’s an old-fashioned likes women petite fellow…but if he is going to love me, he has to really love ME. Not some version he wishes for me to be. Not a version I used to and sometimes still do (let’s face it, this shit is hard!) wish to be. This ME. Right here, in the flesh.
I’m so glad to have found your site. I love hearing how crazy all this mess is from somebody who writes it down smart and definitely sassy. I don’t have these conversations in the small town where I am. Here, folks are telling you about a diet, or how proud they are of you that you took an aerobics class. So, this…your blog is a like a life boat for me. I can swim without it, but let’s face it, floating around in bright skies beats a swim in cold water any day! Thank you…for taking the time and writing it all down. Along with what looks like a lot of other people, I appreciate it 🙂

Have you considered changing schools? I know that is extreme, but honestly, I wish my parents had moved me SO BAD. When I did change schools, because we moved, I had a whole different dynamic with the kids at my new school. Not sure why, but that’s what happened and I think it may have saved my life. Seriously. Teen suicide from years of bullying is a thing. Bottom line? Do what you have to do for your kid. And I know that is exactly what you will do. Go Mama Bear Brittany! They effed with the wrong Mama.

Yeah if I was that school I’d be super scared. I mean you are awesome and all but years of reading your blog tells me you’ll cut a bitch, for reals.

Thanks for the update otherwise. I am super sorry to hear your little man is still being bullied. I find the ben-way balls hilarious. *Side note: that is my Mom’s favorite post of yours by the way.* I told the Hubs I am getting eye lash extensions and a tattoo for my 30th birthday June so thanks for that recommendation. Lastly, Last Call is awesome! I love listening errr watching it on my phone at work when I am bored out of my friggin mind. So thanks!

My heart breaks every time I hear that a child is being bullied at school. I know far too many parents who pass it off as “kids being kids” all while their child continues to suffer. I am glad that you are not one of those parents.

My son was bullied horribly in first grade. I marched into the principals office at the ass-crack of dawn, ignoring their requests for me to make an appointment with them, every day for weeks. And when my sons then-teacher decided to target my son and use her status as a teacher to justify her behavior, I marched directly to the local newspaper and exposed that school for what they were: a school that didn’t give one half a shit about bullying.

Things got a little better after that. I am assuming because people were too scared of me and my big mouth, and the lengths I would go for my child- but I did end up packing up my family to move to another town just so my son could attend a different school. People thought I took extreme measures with the whole situation, I simply thought I was doing my part as a parent to advocate for and protect my child.

Whatever you do, don’t back down. Keep advocating and protecting, and let your child’s school know that you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

As it stands- I am working every day to not hate my body, to silence the hurtful hateful things that my brain thinks and says about it. I try to focus on the positive and not the negative, but it is a struggle. I curse my inept baby-making parts for not giving my husband the one thing he has always wanted. I curse my big boobs for slowing me down and giving me the posture of a 100-year-old woman. I curse my falling arches and rubby thighs for making me walk like a linebacker. I think, if I at least had nice skin or a pretty face I would feel better. If I had money I could buy better fitting things. If this, if that…It would be easier. I think these things every morning as I stand in my closet trying to decide what clothes will make me the least visible today. I long to fade into the scenery and hide from everyone and everything. That is too much to ask at my size. That is where I am today. Alone in my closet, hating my clothes, my body and myself. It seems most days that things are getting worse instead of better, but I must keep trying. I try to see something good in myself and focus on it. I try to ignore the stares and the not-so-under-their-breath comments. I read body-positive blogs by smart, gorgeous women like you and think, it has just got to get better.

Michelle – I feel you. I feel your pain as i am right there with you in every way. This is EXACTLY what i am feeling and living right now.
As it stands i am trying to be nice to myself, make smarter and healthier decisions and to just move my body more. Will i magically wake up looking fab and 100lb lighter? No. But at least i can say i am trying.
As it stands, i am trying to invest a little more time in things that interest me and a little less time on worrying about keeping other’s happy.
As it stands, i am with brittany 100%. Oh and those google hangouts — some of the most fun this girl has has had in AGES!

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve been there. The pain is so visceral you feel like you are being gutted from the inside out. In my case, it was a vicious circle of depression, anxiety and feeling so terribly about myself, which would cause me to overeat, which would then make me feel even worse because of the weight gain and around, and around it went.

When you talk about at least “having nice skin or a pretty face” I know exactly what you mean. For years I fantasized about having extreme plastic surgery. I wanted someone to break the bones on my face and body and reshape me. I felt so ugly and misshapen I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror.

This was a very low point for me and if you are there, please seek help. I was lucky in that my general doctor was kind and willing to listen to me; she basically became my therapist. She helped me find the right combination of medications that helped me tremendously. If you cannot afford a doctor right now, please look into free services. There’s no shame in seeking help. I was embarrased but I have to tell you, I am so grateful that I did it.

I am now in a better place. I begin to care for myself little by little, and no longer take the medications. It feels great to no longer dream of being someone else. I am not going to tell you that all the negative feelings are completely gone, they still come up, but I am now able to push them down and focus on the things I do like about myself. I really like who I’m becoming and no longer hate looking at my body or at my face.

I so wish I could help ease your pain and pray that it gets better for you soon. Please know that you are not alone.

Oh I have been there with the bullying and I too went into crazy momma mode as I went to the school the first time. Yes….the first time. Unfortunately it took more than one conversation for the situation to be handled. It finally ended when my friend’s son who played high school football brought 4 of his friends decked out in their football jerseys and ate lunch with my son every day for 2 weeks. The bullies left him alone after that. My son was in 6th grade when this happened. He’s now finishing up his junior year in high school. We just talked about this the other day. He said that it was the worst year (EVER), but in a weird way (his words) he was kinda glad it happened. He said that it has made him look at others differently and he stands up for those being bullied now.
I absolutely LOVE Last Call Brittany and look forward to it every week!

As it stands, we are waiting on DCS to complete our home study so we can start our foster parenting adventure. As it stands, after almost 8 years of infertility treatments and 7 miscarriages, I finally feel like I’ve found the way this is supposed to happen for us and I’m terrified and excited all at once.

As it stands… I want to go BACK to Riviera Maya because it was the best week of my life ever ever ever and am really curious which resort you and Andy decided on.

Hey Brittany! I’m horrified by the bullying account, but not surprised the school aren’t doing much; I had the same experience. As got Gigi and the ghosts? Wow. Just wow. I’d be freaking out too. Reality or imagination aside, these are troubling times for the lass. I’ve read the original post, but does she seem to regard them as friendly? Wow. Indigo

I am SO with you. I just recently discovered your blog, because apparently, pushing out two kids made me live under a proverbial rock, or possibly because the constant wearing of shapeless nightgowns and clothing ten sizes too big for me, somehow affected my already rocky vision. Regardless, I’m glad I did. I have spent this year trying to embrace my size 18 ass (not literally, what kind of person do you think I am?) and realize that I am beautiful, curves and all. Reading your blog satisfies both my curvy fashion and potty humor needs, so really, it’s like one-stop shopping. Congrats, you’re like the Wal-Mart of blogs.

I’m with you! Don’t ever forget — IF YOU DON’T ADVOCATE FOR YOUR OWN CHILD, NOBODY WILL! I love your idea of volunteer overload – it gives you maximum opportunity to give the little bully fuckers the stink-eye as much as possible.

Get it, girl! RESPECT for fighting the good fight for your kids at school, that shit must not stand. And I cannot wait for your show! I’m going to watch that so hard.
Also, I think the time has come for me to try a Brazilian wax. I’m tired of stubble, it’s so un-becoming. And I want someone to be cuming in or around that area…. Too easy, I know.

As it stands:
You are my total girl crush.
I am starting to feel more secure in what my body looks like and totally rock my shape and size.
Things Brittany has inspired me to try:
Red lipstick (the lady at the counter looked at me funny when I asked for one that “made me look less like a clown, and more like a prostitute that catered exclusively to clowns”)
Skinny Jeans (4pairs)
Boots
Shoes with heels
More boots
Also more shoes
Spanx
Rocking red hair…or as close to it as my hair can get
Dressing for my shape not just my size
Reading more smut
Considering, possibly maybe thinking about investigating getting a Brazilian
So, from the bottom of my heart, thanks Brittany.

1. kids who bully other kids are assholes. AND it’s even 1 millions times worse, when the bully-er’s parents brush it off as “ohh, they’re just kids!” NO asshole parents…your kid is a jerk..SO do something!!

2. you are going to have SO much fun in mexico..because DUH, margaritas!

I am a teacher, and as a teacher, I officially give you permission to storm into your child’s school when he/she is being bullied. Too often the bully’s parents run the show because they go in and make excuses for their child’s behavior. And the poor bullied child’s parents are too polite to say anything. Fight for your kids. Screw the car loop! (I am raising my fist in the air with a sense of solidarity.)

As it stands:
– I am two years out of a 13 year relationship with a verbally abusive b-hole and am JUST NOW starting to feel like myself again.
– I turned 40 last weekend and am certain that I will rock this decade harder than any other in my past.
– I’ve been revamping my eating habits and working out since March. I’ve rediscovered my love of fashion- Brittany is my muse.
– If I could give this year a title it would be called “How Amy Got Her Groove Back.”

As it stands Brittany, I am so TOTALLY with you. I am so proud of you as a Mom. You are my hero. I was a bullied child. No one stood up for me when I was being harassed as a kid. I prayed every night for someone to smite the teachers and students who hurt me. Prayed for me to die in my sleep so I never had to be spat on, punched, and called names again. Having to hide the bruises because my parents would blame me for “not ignoring the bullies” so things like that would not happen. Keep fighting for your kid and do not take no for an answer those bullies need to get a hard dose of “sucks to be you”

As it stands my life sounds like a horror story but I would not be the person I am now without the relentless pain and drama. I have made it one year since my Mum passed, my oldest fur baby passed. It’s been 6 months since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue. Which gives me an awesome excuse for why I take naps all the time but it also means I am still stuck in a house with ghosts of my cats, my Mum and Dad, and have no motivation to do anything.

As it stands I am 6 months passed being diagnosed with skin cancer and have managed after the surgery to stay cancer free.

As it stands I am loving being unemployed and I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I asked my Mum what she wanted to be when she turned 80 and she had no idea either. So I figure at 47 I still have a few decades to get my shit together.

As it stands Mrs. Gibbons has helped give me the courage to stop living my life in black clothes and actually try and add colour to my wardrobe. 30 years of looking like I am going to a funeral, or living in the 80’s and trying hard to appease my inner teenage goth. I am totally cool being a BBW apple shaped goddess. I’ve blown an ass load of cash on real colourful clothing. Now I just need to know what the hell matches with what. I didn’t have to think for 3 decades about clashing clothes and shoes. Time for me to get some kind of style going on. Aiming to just look fat and awesome and not 47 and pregnant awesome 🙂

My friend just posted about his bullying experience in high school today.

He prepared a short list of successful bullying-related lawsuits against schools. A list of schools that lost thousands and thousands of dollars. The threat alone was enough to get the school to finally intervene.

Threatening Legal Action: The only way to get anything done in America.

Major, major girl crush! Love me some Britt. We’re, well at least, I’m with you too! I can’t seek to feed this addiction to Old Navy enough either. And the Gap Visa has holes burned in it. Hopefully I’m looking better 🙂

As it stands, I’m totally “that mom” at my daughter’s school. I fucking DARE anybody to mess with me. My mom was “that mom” for me and my brother. It’s who you should be. It’s who your kiddo deserves.

As it stands, a few weeks ago I was standing in my room in a bra and underwear and my hubby looked at me and said “You need to buy a bikini. You’d look great” So, that’s on my list! (and, no, I’m not a size 2)

As it stands, I just turned 42. And I’m cooler now than I ever was when I was younger.

As it stands, I’m about to let my 7 y/o daughter get a few semi-permanent streaks in her hair for summer. In whatever color she wants.

As it stands, I am working on myself this year too and making progress. I’ve lost some of the unhealthy weight and retained the curves. I’ve bought some clothes (including my “Brittany Jeans” and “Brittany Boots.” Those jeans are the best, btw! I’m working out and eating better. I am trying to show my daughter how you can totally rock 32 instead of insisting that I am 29 again this year.
As it stands, I have just started the long awaited journey to Hogwarts with my 6 year old daughter, whose name is Lily Potter. Yes, I named her that. Yes, I am freak. And yes, we are half way through Philosopher’s Stone (we’re reading the British versions) and she LOVES it.
As it stands, I took your lessons learned of the GS/iPhone comparisons and went with the 5. It arrived yesterday, along with my new Harry Potter case.
As it stands, my husband is lying in bed right now, icing his balls, and I stand victorious in the “who should get fixed” battle!
As it stands, I have learned to fight like a bitch for my son at school, and stormed into the office today to talk about his placement for next year. I won’t back down on getting what is best for him.
As it stands, I also like myself more as I grow, but I am definitely more stressed and more critical of myself and the world around me.
Thanks for all your inspiration, Brittany!

You rock… it’s hard to say much more as there are few words that can say all that needs to be said about the crazy wonderful & brilliant shit that you post! I love this place… I wanna live here. Can I move in please?
Brittany — you SAY so many of the things that I would say myself if I had a blog & the uncommon sense to say them… the thing with the ben-wah balls was priceless & no doubt would be my circumstances as well…. after my 5th child… I had sex too soon, had crazy bleeding & had to go to the ER where they had to go & get the BIG speculum…. so that kinda told me something.. LOL !! & from then on, I just assumed that I had a big pussy… now mind you that I get no complaints from my gentleman friends… & they are not hung like horses at all, so idk what the deal IS, but apparently one thing does NOT have to do with the other…
Bullying… yeah I completely agree, be up their asses ala Courtney Stodden…(gotta love that one) remind them on a regular basis that you’re there & happy to be of any help that you can be… remember they LIKE parental involvement.. *wink*
About the hairfree vulva… God bless you baby — I tried it by myself and couldn’t get past the initial starting of the tearing off of the wax so it turned into slow & careful peeling of the wax…
wax is now relegated to the hall closet never to be used again until such time as I completely lose all feeling down there. (at which point I probably won’t care about having hair there anyway… I nair… much less painful)
I would love to be made over. Will be back after a while (hopefully today) to check into the COMPLETE terms & conditions of this “offer”.
I hope you have a wonderful day and a fabulous Memorial Day weekend.

What a fantastically diverse and refreshingly transparent post! Any communication that intelligently and enthusiastically discusses not having kids being a CNN story in 10 years *and* waxed vulvas and dealing with control freakdom … well, please accept my appreciation and respect. You made my day.

As it stands I have a UTI and three nights of dance recital (rehearsal, dress rehearsal, recital), and I still haven’t decided if really great sex is worth this pain or not. I’ll have to get back to you about that.

On the bullying… We have been dealing with this with Cady since pre-school. Sometimes I think she must have “target” tattooed across her forehead, or maybe it is just that sense her big, forgiving heart. If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. My opinions for dealing with the situation aren’t always popular, but they have proven effective.