Dec 9, 2006

Hot off the press! Click the newspaper to read all about it in bigger prints!

Behold the fool who has not heard of the famous exploit of the 21 year old coolest dude in Town, Johnny Nuts who has broken the official record of Mr. T and claimed the title of “Tippling Master”. Below is an extract from the diary of Johnny Nuts.

The art of “Tippling the jar” is a legacy left to me by my uncle Dooey. My uncle Dooey is the first person to have perfected the art of tippling to its actual state. Now for those unfamiliar with the term “Tipple”, here is an extract from the Nutitionary, which has been the underlying concept for “Wikitionary”, accounting for its exponential growth and popularity.

tip.ple [tip-uh l]

- to drink (intoxicating liquor), esp, repeatedly, in small quantities.

In layman’s term, the purpose of “Tippling the Jar” is to drink infinitesimal quantities of beer and the first person to get drunk before the jar is empty, will have the privilege of basking in glory and honour for eternity and of course, being the winner in this deadly dual where the danger of seeing your opponent drop dead-drunk, lurks after every sip.

Beer is alcoholic. 25 cl beer contains 12.5 ml ethanol. So for the dummies, drinking alcohol implies getting drunk. So no matter how much you drink, you are already on the pathway of intoxication after your first glass. Your goal is to reach the pinnacle of inebriation with the least amount of tipples. So here is a complicated guide to perfect your tippling abilities.

Chicks Rule

Everyone knows that only chicks and Johnny Nuts rule on this planet. Here is a blatant example. Even if a man and a woman have exactly the same body weight and drink precisely the same quantity of alcoholic drinks, the alcohol level will be higher in the woman than in the man. So unless you are female, an hermaphrodite, undergo sex reassignment surgery, abound with estrogen and progesterone since birth, possess the stupendous metabolism of Johnny Nuts or are actually Johnny Nuts, there is no way that you can beat a woman at “Tippling the Jar”.

Note: I was really lucky that Master T. is an old geezer; still the battle was tough with me winning on my 8th cup.

Changing the constitution

Drinking the same quantity of alcohol will yield a higher alcohol blood level for a man with a low body weight than for a bigger man. The same applies to women: when drinking the same quantity of alcohol the body weight will play a role in the article permillage (quantity of alcohol in the blood expressed in permille).

Click on the table to view it larger!

So all the Nuttyphiles possessing half my IQ must already have figured out that a strict diet one week before a Tippling Challenge is a necessity. The recommended diet is as follows:

a half glass of water and a slice of toast for each meal.

For the babes, there is only one rule. If you possess this figure, then victory is yours and you can abscond from this regime.

If you find yourself resemble the picture below in the slightest way, then I severely recommend the above diet for life unless you want to be considered as the reborn lineage of the extinct mammoths.

3. Forsaken Foods

Absolutely stay away from the following foods!

Boiled Potatoes

Raw Eggs

Oil

Any Fatty Foods

These foods will clog up your digestive tract and inhibit the flow of alcohol to your alimentary canal.

4. Breaking the seal

At some point, your bladder will be full, bordering on overfull. Do not pee when you reach this stage as this will put off the inevitable that is, getting drunk. In Tippler parlance, urinating is known as "Breaking the Seal." Many Heavy Tipplers pride themselves on not breaking the seal until they are already tipsy. This takes a lot of courage and initial training and should be attempted only by the bold ones. 5. Fact

You get drunk faster if you use a straw.

6. Conditioning the mind

Repeat the following mantra every time before each tipple: “I must get drunk!” and this following mantra when you are not training for a Tipple challenge: “Johnny Nuts rule!”

I think that is all in the Mastering Tippling in 6 Steps Guide by JohnnyNuts but still as the saying goes “Practice makes perfect!” So unless you dedicate yourself to the task and follow the above the steps à la lettre, then there is no guarantee that you will beat your opponent. And also please do note that alcohol levels are also influenced to a lesser extent by:

The speed of digestion;

Other individual differences;

Last but not least No cheating please! So no intake of intoxication-inducing drugs and alcoholic drinks before a tippling challenge as this goes against my principles and it is pretty lame. Besides, there is an alcohol level check of every participant in a Tippling Duel and for those who exceed the accepted level, it is automatic elimination.

If you have come up any other brilliant tippling ideas (which I’m pretty sure is a next to impossible task for you but still…), you can mail them to me at Johnnynuts@gmail.com.

Also if you want to have your name immortalized on Johnny Nuts Tippling Masters Hall of Fame, send us your name, age, sex, location and a brief account of events in chronological order, leading to your proclamation as Tippling Master and why you feel that you must have your name below that of Johnny Nuts, at Johnnynuts@gmail.com.