The New “Real” Booty

Vixen

I don’t usually go to the clubs. Not my thing. The last time I went a few months ago, the DJ was still shouting out ladies who had “real hair.” Ok. Fair enough. I went to Manhattan club two weeks ago–officially my last club experience in life—and the MC was saluting women with “real ass.”

Has it come to this?

Booty injections have gone from the strip club to every club. This bootleg beauty enhancement is no longer the domain of working girls and video chicks, but the accessory of “regular” girls who sneak off to seedy hotel rooms for “pumping parties” to have unlicensed medical parishioners inject illegal substances into their ass. You can spot their purchased rumps plain as day, either because none of them are able to resist going supersize, adding padding that never believably fits their frame, or because of their misshapen posteriors. There’s a news story every month about a batch of women who landed in some emergency room because they had construction-grade silicone, cement or some other horrible substance put in them that’s left them disfigured with life-threatening injuries.

Just last week, I read a story about a Miami woman who paid $700 for booty injections because she needed a curvier figure to get a job at a nightclub. The ‘doctor’, who has since been arrested, botched the job, inserting “Fix-a-Flat”–a concoction of cement, mineral oil and Super Glue–into her backside. The result? Pneumonia-like symptoms that left large infected welts on her backside.

The stories about how women get fake tush are pretty common, so this one stood out to me for another reason: The picture of the “doc.” How can I describe her? Picture say an upper body like Jennifer Hudson now, and a lower body like J-Hud pre-Weight Watchers (and that’s not a slight at Jenny, just comparison of how odd the combination would look together.) Now take the pre-weight loss hips, and make them lopsided. See how crazy that sounds, it looks even stranger and not in a “Damn, baby got back!!” kind of way, more like a “What the hell did she do to herself?” I’m amazed that women saw this was the affect of the product the “doctor” was selling and assumed the position to get injected anyway. Are some women that desperate for a big butt?

I know “ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass” (thanks Big Sean) is all the rage, but really, bigger doesn’t always translate to better. If women insist on pumping their butts, I’m going to need the ladies to apply the same rule we should all be using for hair weaves: blend. Just like the texture of the hair you buy should match your roots, the size of the tush you add should look like your thighs can feasibly support it. Your artificial tush should look like it’s somewhat possible you were born with it, not like it was slapped on like Mr. Potato-head’s nose. Fool some of the people some of the time, and maybe when you raise your hands in the club to claim the booty you bought as “yours,” no one will be able to tell the difference.

Demetria L. Lucas is the author of “A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life” (Atria) in stores now. Follow her on Twitter @abelleinbk