The Ultimate Cynic's First Round Mock Draft

1-Indianapolis-Andrew Luck, QB Stanford-Oh yes, he’s the best since John Elway. Give me a break. He had a dominant offensive line, great running game, and elite tight ends. Plus he played in the freaking PAC-12. He’ll be out of the league in 5 years.

2-Cleveland(from St. Louis)-Robert Griffin III, QB Baylor –Oh goodie, another chance to draft Vince Young only Griffin never won anything in college.

3-Minnesota-Matt Kalil, OT USC-No.3 pick for a guy who’s only the 2nd best offensive lineman at his parent’s house for Thanksgiving dinner? Sure, that’s going to help.

4-St. Louis(from Cleveland)-Morris Claiborne, CB LSU-What’s the deal? Did they see the uniform and think they were drafting the Honey Badger?

5-Tampa Bay-Justin Blackmon, WR Oklahoma State-There's no way Blackmon can develop on this team with Freeman throwing the ball. He had more talent around him at Oklahoma State.

6-Washington-Ryan Tannehill, QB Texas A&M-The pick is so stupid, I hope when the Commissioner calls it out, he’s interrupted with his own laughter so much he can’t even get his name out.

7-Jacksonville-Melvin Ingram, DE South Carolina-Jacksonville, where defensive ends come to die.

8-Miami-Riley Reiff, OT Iowa –This will be the reason that Peyton Manning chooses not to come play in Miami.

9-Carolina-Michael Brockers, DT LSU –The most impressive thing about Brockers is his beard. Which even for me is pretty impressive.

10-Buffalo-Quinton Coples, DE North Carolina-I can understand this pick. The franchise needs to do something to make people forget how bad the Aaron Maybin pick was.

11-Kansas City- Whitney Mercilus, DE Illinois-Nothing like one good season to get you a pick this high. Coach Crennel is starting off the way he finished in Cleveland.

13-Arizona-Jonathan Martin, OT Stanford-This pick is an mediocre as the pick of Levi Brown was bad. You’re welcome.

14-Dallas-Dontari Poe, NT Memphis-They are drafting Poe, because Jerry Jones is going to rent out the stadium to a hot win eating contest and they needed a representative.

15-Philadelphia-Devon Still, DT Penn State-It doesn’t matter how good Still is. Eagles fans will hate him, throw things at him, and then go home and kick their dogs.

16-New York Jets-Courtney Upshaw, LB Alabama-Start the pool at your office right now, how long it takes Upshaw to be suspended for steroid use.

17-Cincinnati - from Oakland-Trent Richardson, RB Alabama-I think the NCAA and the Bengals are coordinating announcing Richardson’s contract signing with The Crimson Tide being sanctioned for his accepting improper benefits.

18-San Diego-Janoris Jenkins, CB North Alabama-I hope that the Chargers can provide free child care, because if not, the practice field is going to look like an episode of Rugrats.

19-Chicago-Stephen Hill, WR Georgia Tech-Oh lookie I ran fast. That means I get to be overthrown my Jay Cutler for a few years.

20-Tennessee-Fletcher Cox, DT Mississippi St.-At least the odds are good this pick won’t end as awkwardly as Albert Haynesworth. And he isn’t nearly as talented either.