In a stunning turn of events, all major societal ills have come to an end. The harbinger of this new utopian era of global prosperity- Derek Smith, a sophomore at the University of Minnesota.
Smith, an undergraduate student of political science, is no stranger to conflict.

Recently, several student group panels on the Washington Avenue bridge were vandalized. Panels belonging to the College Republicans, Turning Point USA, Collegians for a Constructive Tomorrow, the Bipartisan Issues Group and the Minnesota Republic were all targeted by the vandalizing “artists.”
As the University has caught the vandals and a feast in their honor has been thrown, they must now pretend to punish the guilty parties while equivocating what the College Republicans painted on the bridge with vandalizing University property.

Warning: Satire
In a dramatic move from his general social media presence, President Trump's 106 part tweet, a chain which began at around 3 AM and concluded at noon today, has astounded critics and supporters alike with its nuanced, yet assertive prescriptions for America's ails.
The tweet began, "Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing." The more well-read individuals amidst the President's nearly 38 million followers immediately recognized this obscure Sylvia Plath quotation, a musing the late poet included in a draft letter to a close friend.

This week, former presidential nominee Hillary Clinton published yet another book entitled, “What Happened.” While this writer does not believe in spoiling endings, what happened was Secretary Clinton lost the election to Donald J.

Through an impressive and ground-breaking tuition-supported campaign, “Check Your Compass, Bro," the University of Minnesota has taken the important strides to end the North-Normativity that has plagued western civilization for years.
Starting with a map in the Humphrey School of Public Affairs, the University is proud to have shifted the campus map and placed East on the top.
“It is a very big moment for this campus,” stated Director of Diversity and Inclusion of Directions President Carol Halpert (who makes $400,000 per year), “North Privilege is a cancer that this campus has had since its conception, and it is time that other directions have the opportunity to be on the top.”
The student representative Ima Victim is truly the backbone of this campaign: “I have personally seen the impact that North Privilege has had on other directions, and it is shameful.

On August 18, major news organizations took the pulse of the country for the ninth time sincenoon, gathering another panel of experts for a five minute divisive discussion-- only to have the host cut it short to report on widespread riots around the country.
TheMinnesota Republic decided to do some of our own investigating to find out if the country is in danger of a civil war like the mainstream media ominously suggests.

Breaking Development: Folwell Hall loses ground in the war of heteronormativity.
Within thebuilding that historically houses the languages department, the first floor single-occupancy is now occupied, preventing the population that uses the building from using it.