After a week of shocking helmet to helmet collisions in the NFL, the league handed out hefty fines to several players and promised to start more strictly enforcing the rule against such hits.

Several defensive players have spoken out against he fines, most notably James Harrison, who threatened to retire because he didn’t know how he was supposed to play the game anymore.

Locker Room Cancer caught up with Harrison after practice Thursday.

LRC: How serious was your threat to retire?

JH: Very serious. I said goodbye to my teammates. My family threw me a retirement party. I said I was too old for this shit a few times. But at the end of the day Riggs convinced me I’d miss the force too much.

LRC: I think you’re thinking of Lethal Weapon 3.

JH: I think about that movie a lot, I’m not sure what you’re point is.

LRC: Aren’t you concerned with the concussions helmet to helmet hits seem to cause? What about life after football?

JH: Look, I can’t worry about ten years down the road. They try to scare you with stories about dementia and Alzheimer’s, but I have a hard time remembering any of those stories. Even if I concentrate really hard, things just go fuzzy and I can’t remember my name for a while. But to answer your question, no, I’ve never been to Greece.

LRC: Can you at least see the NFL’s point of view?

JH: Look, football is a violent sport. There’s going to be violent collisions. That’s the way we’ve been taught to play. And to be honest, I can’t see much right now. I’ve got some pretty bad tunnel vision at the moment.

LRC: See? Your actually demonstrating symptoms of repetitive head injuries. For your own health, don’t you think you should try and scale back the head collisions?

JH: I don’t have time for this. I have to get to practice.

LRC: Practice just ended… that’s where you’re coming from.

JH: I don’t know who you are or where in the future you came from, but if you’re not going to buy a taco I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

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About Andrew Sleighter

I'm a comedian from Seattle, recently transplanted to Los Angeles. I like watching sports.