Under light of full moon, either stark naked or wearing full army camouflage, carrying a machete or any garden implement, run amuck in your zucchini patch, cutting and slashing. Be sure to thank Mother Nature for her bounty before and after this cathartic experience.

Buy a large roll of freezer paper–the kind that sub shops use. Then proceed to wrap each zucchini that has managed to grow to a foot or more in length. Next time your child has a fundraiser, send him or her out supplied with these phony subs. Tell child to drop them off with neighbors or relatives and leave quickly. It’s advisable that a responsible adult hover nearby in a get-away car.

Gather all available plastic containers and freezer bags. Drink a vat of your favorite caffeinated beverage, in preparation for staying up ’round the clock to purée large quantities of zucchini. This can then be packaged neatly and artistically labeled: “For Zucchini Nut Bread Recipe.” These packages can be freely given, along with copies of recipe, to anyone on your Christmas list.