Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Don’t Fall For Pushy Women

Last July a woman in Montana shoved her newlywed husband
off a cliff to his death. This news
surprised and shocked almost everyone.
Some people (mostly women) were sad for the woman because after finding
her soul-mate, the lifetime commitment ended in just over a week. Other people (mostly men) wondered how the
guy could have made such a poor choice.
Now many guys are married to “pushy” women, but this one was bit “overly
pushy”.

However there is one group of guys that was not surprised
at all by this news item. These are men
who are married to a woman that experience (notice I didn’t say suffers because
that would be sexist) Enhanced PMS, or EPMS.
I don’t think this is a medical term, but it should be. While many people make jokes about PMS, EPMS
is not a laughing matter. EPMS can
result in you being pushed off a high cliff to your death. EPMS is similar to demon possession, but
unfortunately a Catholic priest is no match for it. You just have to wait for nature to literally
run its course.

Enhanced PMS in action - time to shut up!

My guess is that pushy bride was experiencing EPMS when
this unfortunate incident occurred. Of
course EPMS alone did not cause this tragedy, there has to be a “trigger”. And of course by a trigger I am referring to
the poor husband’s mouth. He obviously
said something that he no doubt regretted all the way down until he hit the
ground.

Evolution has caused men in close relationships with EPMS
women to adapt to survive. These men don’t say anything once the EPMS period
(literally, again) starts. Unless of course he is supposed to say something and
then you choose his words very carefully.
Sort of like your life depends on it, because of course, it does.

So you have to wonder what this poor guy’s last words
were. Here are some possibilities:

-Wow, your butt really looks huge in those
jeans. Next time we fly, we may have to
buy you an extra seat!

-That sammich you made me today was
horrible. The bread was stale and it had
too much catsup. It was just awful, one
of the worst I’ve ever had. Next time I
tell you to make me a sammich, I expect you to do much better.

-Hey your sister is looking so smoking hot since
she lost all that weight. Maybe you
should go on a diet.

-You are spending way too much money on shoes
and make-up. How am I ever going to
afford my boat when you keep wasting money on stupid crap?

-I can’t believe how large your friend Becky’s
breasts are. They are huge! Her husband sure is a lucky guy.

-You really need to remember to put the toilet
seat up after you finish. I’m tired of
putting the thing up every time I go in there.

-Quit complaining! You are starting to sound just like your
mother and you know how big of a bitch she is.

-Can you pick up these clothes I threw the
floor! I almost tripped and hurt
myself. I want this floor kept clean.

-I know we were supposed to go out for a
romantic dinner to celebrate the night we met, but the guys are having a very
important fantasy football league meeting tonight at Hooters. So just make yourself a sammich.

-Do you really have to talk so much? I going to have to buy me some of those
noise cancellation headphones.

Now I don’t know how the trial will turn out, but if I
was on the jury I would want to know if the woman was under the influence of EPMS
and if so, what her husband said to set her off. And if she was experiencing EPMS and her
husband did say something stupid, I’m letting her walk. Well, under one condition, that she is
required to tell any future suitors on their first date exactly how her first
husband died. If you’re getting a pushy
woman, better to know that up front.