Staying Jewish at Penn State

Did I do enough? Reflections of a mother of a college freshman.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I took our son, Ian, to Penn State University where he will begin his freshman year.

By the time we drove away from Penn State, the van was a hundred pounds lighter (well, maybe 260 pounds lighter if you include Ian.) My fabulous, funny, kind-hearted son stood there waving at us in his J Crew khaki shorts and polo shirt, as prepared for college as he was for elementary school when he went off freshly scrubbed, front teeth missing and a new LL Bean book bag slung across his back.

Did I instill a sense of Judaism in Ian so strong that it will remain a concrete part of him?

Ian has left the town of Sharon with its large number of Jews for a huge university which has approximately ten percent Jewish undergraduates. Will Ian feel isolated among so many non-Jewish students or will this increase his pride in his Jewish faith?

Did I instill a sense of Judaism in Ian so strong that it will remain a concrete part of him during these hectic, amazing college years?

Did I do enough?

We tried to give Ian solid Jewish roots and a connection to his heritage, and certain things we got right. Our holidays were filled with family, friends and love. Ian attended a Jewish camp and took a six week trip to Israel. I shared many stories of our family’s history and their particular Jewish experiences. During our car rides together, I spun tales from the Torah, bringing them to life as best as I could. (One of his religious school teachers actually called to tell me that Ian was the only second grader who could explain the story of Esther with pain-staking and colorful detail.)

Other things, we could have done better. We should have had more family Shabbat dinners and attended Temple more often. Although Ian was bar mitzvahed, he did not go on to Hebrew High. Should I have done more to push him in these “Jewish” directions? And if I didn’t do enough, is it too late for Ian to develop a deeper sense of Judaism which will sustain him during the college years and thereafter?

You may have heard a strange, screeching sound toward the end of August. That was the collective wail of all the Jewish mothers across the country with freshmen children: “Join the Hillel! At least check it out!”

I admit, I joined in that chorus.

I hope that Ian joins the Penn State Hillel and takes advantage of the many Jewish clubs and more than 80 Jewish courses offered at Penn State. (Of course, what I ultimately wish for my son is that he grows up to marry a Jewish girl from a lovely family who makes matzoh balls so light they dance around the table like fireflies. But first things first.) Now that Ian is at college, I can suggest and advise, but I can’t force him. I am now a parent/consultant and not a parent/nag. His wish for Jewish involvement and desire to maintain his Jewish identity need to come from him for ultimately, each of us must take ownership of our relationship with God.

The Torah says, “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever that we may do all the words of this law” (Deuteronomy 29:29).

It is this “forever-ness” that I hope my son maintains at college. I want Ian to respect others, respect himself and respect his Jewish self by remembering the importance of compassion, charity, honesty and a sense of community. He will figure out how to navigate college as a student who not only is Jewish but feels Jewish. Through the clubs he was involved in at High School and the volunteer work he did in Israel, Ian knows full well the importance of tzedek (working toward social justice) and tikkun olam (trying to repair the world.) There is plenty of opportunity for Ian to get involved with Penn State activities that aren’t necessarily “Jewish” but which affirm the precepts of our faith. As he learns, I will learn along with him.

During the Jewish holidays, Ian called to tell me how much he missed being with the family – sitting around the table talking and laughing, lighting the candles, saying the blessings. He especially missed the brisket. I felt his absence keenly but was glad that he pined for our celebration. Am I shallow to grasp at these straws or should I be grateful for every little sign that Ian values his Jewishness?

So as my son adjusts to the chaotic and sometimes overwhelming nature of freshman year, I continue to wonder: Did I do enough to build the proper foundation when I had the chance? Will Ian stay true to his faith and values? Will he develop a close personal relationship with God?

Visitor Comments: 34

Ricki Vigon, from Aish Hatorah (same as this site), is now at Penn State! He has shabbat dinners and learns with students and is a really nice, approachable guy.

(20)
K.Friedman,
October 13, 2013 3:12 PM

As a mother of 2 college aged children I know exactly how you feel sending them off. I really enjoyed your article!

(19)
Marilyn,
October 10, 2013 11:14 PM

Kudos to you Mrs. Deutsch – you’ve raised your son with set of values and beliefs deeply rooted in the Torah. You have given him a sound Jewish identity with a strong sense of respect for both family and community inclusivity and responsibility. With these foundations in place Ian can feel confident in himself and in being a Jew. Rejoice that he will make a connection with his Judaism via the aroma in the kitchen on the first night of Rosh Hashana, for it is these traditions that will always lead him back to his Jewish faith.

(18)
Richard,
October 9, 2013 11:34 AM

14M

While it might be personally challenging especially at college with its various influences to stay connected with Judaism and not question everything have" no fear". Penn State may have only a 10% Jewish student population but there only about 14-17 million Jews scattered worldwide in a population of seven billion. It might eventually sink in that from Abraham on down the Hebrews/Jews are God's chosen people NO MATTER WHAT THE REST OF THE WORLD OR EVEN SOME VACILATING AND/OR WORLDLY JEWS MIGHT THINK in this age of atheism,secularism, humanism.

(17)
Margarita,
October 9, 2013 7:06 AM

great letter

I think you have done enough - as long as our children miss not just brisket, but talks and candles and laughs. thank you for sharing

(16)
Anonymous also,
October 9, 2013 6:39 AM

You should worry plenty

How ironic that Aish has posted your essay right under "The Vanishing American Jew"! In it, Rabbi Blech points to the educational and religious omissions which have steadily contributed to the terrible assimilation and intermarriage which has affected most of American Jewry. Shame you never saw a similar article when it was first published many years ago. Perhaps you would have made different educational and family choices that could have better equipped your son to deal with what he's now almost definitely going to face in a non-Jewish secular environment. Even kids brought up in religious homes tragically sometime succumb-- woe to the others who can't see "the face of my father" (quote in the Torah, made by Joseph when not succumbing to the advances of Potifar's wife).

(15)
Anonymous,
October 9, 2013 12:25 AM

How to know if you've done enough

Mrs Deutsch, you will only begin to know if you've done enough when you see who the grandchildren from this son are. It has been said that when we raise our children, we are raising our grandchildren. If you are curious while waiting, read the Pew Report on US Jews, released yesterday. Then ask yourself the question.

(14)
Anonymous,
October 9, 2013 12:20 AM

no it isn't enough

"bagel &lox" or even "brisket" judaism that is cultural judaism will NOT keep your son jewish esp with an elementary school level jewish education.There are alot of cute "Christies" out there who are waiting to meet yr son as well as a very strong secular culture that doesn't respect or understand judaism.If you really want your son to really understand what judaism and G-d are all about and to have jewish grandkids -send your son to learn adult level judaism at Aish or other yeshivas like ohr samayach!!!

(13)
Lee Moses,
October 8, 2013 10:27 PM

My son's wanted more of a jewish environment than Penn State

Right now my son has also started college. He wanted to be a meteorologist and was excited when he was accepted to Penn State's program. My son went to Jewish Day Schools through high school and spent his first post-high school year learning in Israel. Ultimately, he wanted more Jewish experience and decided to go to Yeshiva University. His brother chose Yeshiva University over the University of Pittsburgh (his mother & I have professional degrees from Pitt). I hope that it goes well for Ian and that his Jewish roots are strengthened from his Penn State experience.

(12)
Anonymous 2,
October 8, 2013 9:03 PM

Your son will be okay

Anonymous: I'm afraid I need to disagree with you and your response to this mother's inquiry. I think you are being too harsh. Just because this woman does not lead a religious life does not mean her son is bound to leave his Jewish roots and intermarry. I grew up similar this this woman's son and went to a college with a small Jewish population with an even smaller (almost non-existent) Hillel. While my husband and I don't lead a complete Torah lifestyle , we are both Jewish and observe Shabbos and keep a kosher home and study and apply Torah values in our home daily. Just my opinion.

(11)
Anonymous,
October 8, 2013 8:28 PM

I could have written this article, being the Mom of a son who just started at PSU and I begged him to get involved with Hillel!

Dear Laura, I could have written this article. My son is also a freshman at PSU and I too, continue to ask/beg him to get involved with Hillel! To date, he claims to have attended Yom Kippur services, but didn't connect with anyone. I am praying that he doesn't lose/forget/ become complacent with his Jewish-ness, despite his reassurance that this will not happen. He did attend Jewish High School at our Temple and was involved with their youth group, but as they all graduated and went their separate paths, he is working on making new friends, both Jewish and not. Would love it if Ian and my son would acquaint!

(10)
Chana Miriam Zelasko,
October 8, 2013 6:53 PM

I am a graduate

I graduated from Penn State in 1971. In those days they had a very active Hillel, with alot of students. I especially remember the lox and bagel brunches on Sunday morning. I met alot of nice people there. Today I am religious, but I was not religious then. I think some of my earliest interest in Judaism started there in the Hillel. I also remember my mother z"l suggesting that I check out the Hillel there. I even attended my first religious Pesach Seder at the Penn State Hillel. However, that was over 40 years ago, and I don't know how the secular environment at the University will affect your son today.

Laura Deutsch,
October 8, 2013 11:04 PM

From the author: So appreciate the comments!

I am so glad that my article has sparked such discussion. I wrote it from the heart although I obviously know that not everyone will agree with me. That is okay. I still appreciate everyone's thoughts!

(9)
Leonard Elkins,
October 8, 2013 5:14 PM

Thank you

I loved what you wrote and felt what you wrote.Thank you,Iwish more of my fellow Jews felt this way. G-D Bless

(8)
Debbie,
October 8, 2013 5:03 PM

Don't worry

I am a Penn State Alumni and there are lots of classes in Judaism and Jewish literature available. There are Jewish Fraternities and sororities for socialization. I never had an issue. I did go to Hillel on Shabbat and on those holidays that I was unable to get home.

(7)
ricki vigon,
October 8, 2013 4:42 PM

you will happy to know PSU now has an Aish branch

Hi Laura I just read your letter and wanted to introduce myself, im RabbI Ricki Vigon and me and my family just started working with the students at PSU. we will be running shabbatons socials classes and right now we are recruiting for a winter birthright program! if you have any questions please be in touch my email is Rvigon@aish.com

Anonymous,
October 8, 2013 11:06 PM

Thank you so much, Rabbi

I so appreciate your reaching out to me. I will pass along this information to my son.

Laura Deutsch,
October 9, 2013 3:15 PM

Sorry, my name didn't come through!

Again, Rabbi, thanks again for your kind words which I will pass along to Ian. Laura Deutsch

(6)
Anonymous,
October 8, 2013 4:16 PM

THE ANSWER IS NO...YOU DID NOT DO ENOUGH.....HEBREW DAY SCHOOL AND HEBREW HIGH SCHOOL SHOULD HAVE BEEN INCORPORATED IN YOUR JEWISH PLANS FOR YOUR SON........IT HAS BEEN NOTED THAT JEWISH KNOWLEDGE AND EDUCATION IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN ONES JEWISH LIFE...LIVING A RELIGIOUS JEWISH LIFE IS OF UPMOST OF IMPORTANCE..........WITHOUT THESE TOOLS ...IT IS TOO EASY FOR YOUR SON TO LEAVE JUDAISM......MARRY OUTSIDE HIS FAITH ETC ETC ETC

Laura did plenty! She set the foundation, enrolled him in Hebrew School, created Jewish memories by observing holidays and customs, and discussed Torah stories.....Anonymous, you have no idea what the future holds....

Efram,
October 8, 2013 11:49 PM

Productive

Very productive and helpful. There is nothing like piling on recriminations to people who are worried. After all, there is nothing they can do about the situation now. But, at least you can increase their doubts and stress level. That is a really worthy accomplishment. No wonder you are anonymous. I suspect you are anonymous in life as well.

Margalit Ruth,
October 9, 2013 2:28 AM

Please don't yell

Please don't yell in all caps. This story was from a Mother's heart. We can't judge. G-d has plans for all of us. We do the best we can but everything is really in G-d's hands.

Margarita,
October 9, 2013 7:05 AM

it is better to go through public school

as much as i try to understand people who are allowing their children to go to religious schools, the reality of this life is simple - in diaspora we are the minority. as such, we have to prepare our children to the life, which is regular school with tools on how to manage the outside world. it is my experience that children from public schools with strong attachment to our values (religious, Zionist, customs) as well as knowledge on how to answer anyone who challenges our lifestyle are the best and the strongest.

(5)
Paige,
October 8, 2013 4:00 PM

Good News

Hi Laura,

Great news! Aish just came on Penn State's campus. You should reach out to them and have them get in touch with your son. I am sure they will be so happy to reach out to him and help him with his Jewish life in college. If you want their contact information, let me know. In my case, college made me more observant and I think each case is different. Penn State has a ton of Jewish students, so there is a lot of potential!

(4)
Elsa Gerard,
October 8, 2013 12:26 PM

My husband and I just dropped our son off at yale to begin his freshman year. The first week he walked in to the slifka center for Jewish life to pick up his high holiday tickets(he promisedMe). The co-presidents were sitting there discussing how to get more freshmen involved and in walked my son. They saw him as a message from G-d. They took him under their wing and since then he has been so active and involved. Judaism has become a huge part if his life at college, even more than before he left for school. I am thrilled beyond belief.

(3)
Jordan,
October 8, 2013 2:38 AM

Going to university can be life making or life breaking

As someone who had an unbelievable university experience away from home that actually made me more observant, I can assure this mother that being at university can be the greatest thing for someone. Conversely, it can be the worst. I've seen people who have drifted markedly from their Jewish roots at university. The difference between the two markedly different outcomes? It all comes down to who you surround yourself with.

After encountering anti-Semitism at university in my first year and seeing the way the 'other world lives' I decided that I wanted to go back to my Jewish roots and live a more fulfilling life. It was a painful experience, but ultimately it brought me back to living a more torah observant lifestyle. I was in a place where one could not really be culturally Jewish - the city did not have a big enough population for that - and so you had to go to shul if you wanted to do anything Jewish. Slowly but surely I went to more and more Shabbat services and made a great group of friends.

Please tell your son to make himself a 'second family' when he is at university. Going to hillel and making some Jewish friends isn't nearly enough. You have to have people that are constantly looking out for your interests, and who are good role models (both individually, and collectively as a family to give you a picture of your future family). The best thing to do is latch on to a frum family, or maybe the local AISH rabbi's family every shabbat. That is my advice, good luck to your son.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 7, 2013 2:44 PM

To commenter #1--Please do not criticize this mother. She is to be commended for her continuing involvement in Jewish life. If she had given up on Judaism after her son's Bar Mitzvah, that would be a different story. (I come from such a family). We ALL need to be commended for doing our best in making sure that Judaism lives on. I am the only observant person on two sides of my family. Is this easy for me? No! However, I am doing my best to get to a higher rung on the religious ladder. That is what this parent is doing with her son.

(1)
Robert Dorsky,
October 7, 2013 1:09 AM

We can do better

Laura: The sad answer to your question is you did not do enough. None of us have. The haskalah haunts us all and we continue to immerse our children in the brutally materialistic, amoral American culture. We have become like the goyim. Only rejection of haskalah and enrollment in yeshivah or Jewish day school in place of public school will save the assimilated Jews of America. I wish your children well at Penn State. Stay close to them, they need you.

leah,
October 8, 2013 4:25 PM

Robert Dorsky

Robert Dorsky, I am a Jewish mother and am raising 4 frum neshamos. Five days a week I drop them off at a frum school and pray for their physical safety as we'll as their spiritual safety. I know full that although I have my hishtadlus, I do not "run the show." In my opinion,your words could be directed to this.mother in encouragement. Give her sound strategies-not guilting and shaming, please.

Anonymous,
October 8, 2013 4:29 PM

Haskala

Haskala?!! Are you kidding? That was over a hundred years ago. No one is a "maskil," today. The question is whether a young person who graduated yeshiva or day school can keep up his Yiddishkeit when he first discovers new ideas and a free thinking life style (sex, drugs, agnosticism...) after a cloistered lifestyle. Questionable. I suggest YU.

Anonymous,
October 8, 2013 11:08 PM

Again, I appreciate the comments!

I am certainly aware that not everyone will agree with points in my article, and that is okay. I pray for my son and all of our children; the sharing of ideas is so important.

Laura Deutsch,
October 10, 2013 3:17 PM

Again, I left my name out!

The above comment from Anonymous is from me, the author of the article. Again, I am enjoying this sharing of ideas and different viewpoints. Thanks to all who have commented.

Laura Deutsch

Shoshana - Jerusalem,
October 9, 2013 3:39 PM

He can keep his Yiddishkeit

Just check the statistics and you will see that the kids who grow up in a "cloistered " lifestyle are the ones who remain religious . It is not a question at all. Read the Pew report and open your eyes and look around.

What the other mother's need to do is pray and pray and pray.Not just use those words as synonymous with hoping, but really pray to G-d every day that your children marry Jewish girts and boys, and put a lot of effort into these prayers and G-d will surely answer you and you will have naches from Jewish grandchildren.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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