Friday, December 24, 2010

NEW YORK- After this week's accident, in which an actor fell thirty feet into the orchestra pit, becoming the forth cast-member to suffer serious injury, rumors are circulating that the Spider-Man musical is under an actual black magic curse.

"That's ridiculous," says visionary director Julie Taymor, while spraying a fire-extinguisher on a cast member who has spontaneously burst into flames. "I don't believe in curses, or even bad luck." Nevertheless, the show which has been repeatedly delayed, gone bankrupt once, and whose original producer died of a stroke while signing a contract with The Edge, does seem to have suffered more than its share of ill-fortune.

"Even if there were such a thing as 'bad luck,' there's no reason why it should happen to this show more than any other," Taymor says while rehearsing a scene in which hundreds of live black cats are released into the paths of her cast members.

Critics suggest that the show has suffered from Taymor's insistence on loading it with unnecessarily complicated stunts that don't even have anything to do with the story, such as one scene in which Spidey dives under a dozen ladders so he can smash a hall of mirrors and knock over a fifty-gallon drum of salt while screaming "Macbeth."

Taymor however, refuses to scale back her vision. "Sure, we could have made things simpler to save trouble and money," she says. "We didn't have to build the villain's armor out of gold stolen from an Egyptian tomb. We could have skimped on the set by not building it entirely from bones dug up from an Indian burial ground, but it's that attention to detail that makes this show special.

Taymor does admit that the decision to bury the severed hand of a gypsy under every seat in the theatre might have been a little over the top.

"For too long, we thought Al Qaeda wanted to destroy America," McConnell explains, "but it turns out they only want to destroy those parts that contribute positively to the nation's culture and economy, which is to say the blue states." McConnell adds that as long as red states remain dominated by ignorant, shiftless, inbred, slack-jawed yokels with no positive social or mental attributes, they are in no danger from Islamic extremists.

"It's time for Republicans and terrorists to set aside our petty differences," McConnell explains, "and focus on what we have it common: a single-minded zeal to destroy our enemies at all costs." While the Kentucky senator admits that he has certain doctrinal differences with Al Qaeda, he says "any right-wing fundamentalist group that hates gays, Jews, liberals, and women's rights can't be all bad, right?"

Sunday, December 19, 2010

After yesterday's historic repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, military strategists are worried that the US Armed Forces may be overrun by fit, muscular, organized men, and strong, tough women who know how to get things done. "If science-fiction teaches us anything," warns Gen. Orson Dreedle, "it's that creating an army of superhumans always ends badly, and I've watched enough Bravo to know that's what gay people are."

A spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign responded by reassuring the public that the media portrayal of gay people as physically fit, culturally superior beings with lots of money is just a stereotype, and that many homosexuals are just as sloppy, weak, and poor as straight people. "The danger that they will become a master-race of super-soldiers," the spokesperson said, "is largely exaggerated."

Although gay rights advocates claim that allowing homosexuals to serve in the military will not change the character of the armed forces, Pentagon officials are already debating replacing the military's traditional drab uniforms with something more colorful and gay-friendly. A prototype of the new design appears below.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The latest document released by WikiLeaks reveals the location of your missing keys. They're in your pocket. While experts say this information will not jeopardize your personal security, it may prove embarrassing, and could damage diplomatic relations with your wife, who just spent the last hour helping you look for them.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Ever since U2 hit the charts over twenty years ago, frontman Bono, and guitarist The Edge have been household names. But the band also has two other members. They recently talked with the Inquisition about their upcoming Broadway musical about the widely disregarded Marvel superhero, Ant-Man.

INQ: So you guys are really in U2?

THE BLOND GUY: Yes.

INQ: That's so cool. Have you met Bono?

THAT OTHER GUY: Yes. We're in the band together.

INQ: That's awesome. Do you ever get to go on tour with him and The Edge?

THE BLOND GUY: We are half of U2. The band is the four of us.

INQ: I bet girls are really impressed that you know Bono.

THAT OTHER GUY: Or that we're in the band.

INQ: So you're making a rock musical about Ant-Man?

THE BLOND GUY: Yes. He's one of Marvel's greatest superheroes. He has the strength of an ant.

THAT OTHER GUY: He can carry a crumb clean across the room.

THE BLOND GUY: And he can talk to ants.

INQ: What do they say?

THE BLOND GUY: Well, not much really. They're just ants.

THAT OTHER GUY: So in the musical, all the world's supervillains have teamed up, and Ant-Man has to stop them.

INQ: From taking over the world?

THE BLOND GUY: From having a picnic. The director is a true visionary. Have you seen the Lion King?

INQ: Yes.

THE BLOND GUY: Well, he directed the show across the street from it.

INQ: So what else are you working on?

THAT OTHER GUY: We're working on something with Charlie Watts and Ronnie Wood.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

WASHINGTON, DC- Pres. Obama once again amazed the nation this week with his masterful negotiating skills. Faced with a Republican Senate minority that threatened to filibuster his entire agenda unless every millionaire in the country was given roughly $100,000 a year in tax cuts, he carefully crafted a deal in which the millionaires would get all of the money they wanted, and the president would get only most of his agenda filibustered.

To sweeten the deal, the president also gave away the farm. "I wasn't happy to see the farm go," Pres. Obama says, "but when you're bargaining, you have to give something up."

The art of the bargain was something Pres. Obama first learned as a child at Hawaii's famed Aloha Stadium Swap Meet. "Someone was selling a watch for $50. I wanted it for $25," the president recalls. "In the end, I gave him $40, and he kept the watch, so neither of us got exactly what we wanted, but it was a successful compromise."

As the future president grew, he found himself negotiating bigger and bigger deals, first trading his entire comic book collection for a half eaten peanut butter sandwich, later a vintage Mustang for a rusty bicycle, and once a cow for three magic beans.

In his days as a Chicago community organizer, the young Obama once defused a potentially explosive standoff between police and hostage-taking bank robbers. He brokered a compromise in which the police handed their weapons over to the bank robbers and provided them with additional hostages in exchange for the assurance that they would not be harmed. Once again, neither side got everything they wanted. The bank robbers had demanded a Learjet, but Obama instead bought them first class plane tickets to South America, which he paid for by selling his house for over $700.

Although congressional Republicans have vowed not to compromise on anything, the president is confident that even with the farm gone, he can still appease them with enough give-aways to accomplish at least some of his remaining goals. If necessary, White House insiders say, he is even willing to give up his magic beans.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It's time we face it. This isn't working out. All we ever do is argue, and it's just getting worse. It's time we finally went our separate ways.

I realized it was over between us this week, when you continued to filibuster the 9/11 health bill, which would pay for medical care for sick 9/11 first responders. Do you remember 9/11? There was that brief moment when it brought us closer together. You still talk about 9/11 all the time, but you know what? It didn't happen to you. It happened to me. And now you're just punishing me over it.

I remember when we first met. We were both still in an abusive relationship with England and we used to stay up all night talking about freedom. It was hot. I was a little skeeved out by the fact that you owned slaves, but I thought I could change you.

But the fact is, we want different things. I want universal single-payer health care and sweeping energy reform. You want to privatize social security and ban abortion. As long as we're together, neither of us is going to have our needs met.

So what are we staying together for? The sake of the children? 22% of our children live in poverty, and you won't let me do anything about because you say we can't afford to. And maybe we can't afford to feed the kids, but that's only because of your gambling debts.

Now with any break up, there's bound to be some quarreling over who gets what. I know you're going to want all the nukes, and while I don't really want them, I don't want you to have them because you get in fights a lot, especially when you've been drinking. But somehow we'll work it out.

We've had a good run. 234 years is longer than a lot of countries stay together. And once we're not fighting all the time, we can look back fondly on all the great things we did together. We'll always have liberating Paris.