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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Random Real Life: Part I

There are so many things swirling around in my brain. I am a perfectionist (a lazy one, which is the worst kind), and I put off posting pictures unless I can ‘create them right.’ I put off sharing unless I can ‘say things right.’ And yet I want you to see the real me here on this blog. I want to document my life. All the little details. The good stuff. The not so good stuff. That takes time. Especially when I have to do it ‘just so.’ Time isn’t something I have a lot of these days.

Then, there is the fact that I use this blog as a focus. A sort of thanksgiving for all the lovely blessings God has given me. (He has given me so many!) I don’t want to whine. But I don’t want you all to think that my life is perfect. My sister just laughs when people comment to her about my blog. She knows the real me. I am sorry if I paint my life inaccurately, or if anyone thinks I am something special… I’m just me! With lots and lots and lots of faults and weaknesses.

So for a few days, it is just going to be snapshots of real stuff. Unorganized thoughts. Unedited pictures. (A few edited for fun.) The not-so-perfect. (A few good highlights.)

I’ve been sick for a week and a half now. Sinus/throat/headache… and I’m weary. The house is so messy and dirty. There is so much stuff. Papers. Pieces of things. Toppling towers of books. Unfinished projects. Endless (and I do mean endless) laundry. I can’t seem to ever have it all put away. In a house this small with 6 people, that leaves no breathing room.

My to-do list is getting longer and nothing seems to get crossed off. I’m doing the bare minimum, here. Sometimes not even that.

Lessons are few and far between. I just haven’t had the energy. I also lack the skills to inspire my boys to greatness. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? I so want to be that mom/teacher who inspires curiosity, cheerfulness, and honor in her boys. Instead, I find myself falling short. Dreadfully short. Again, and again, and again. I lack consistency and self-discipline. How many times have I told my boys something and realized that I should be preaching to myself!!

And my boys humble me again, and again, and again. They are such intense, active, loud boys with no sense of personal boundaries. I’m trying to find a balance between not being a control-freak mom, letting them be who they are, and making sure they are well-behaved, respectful young men. But I over-parent when I should under-parent, and under-parent when I should over-parent. Sigh.

Just yesterday morning, as I was close to tears trying to get us out of the house for a ‘thing’ (and not winning any mothering awards in the process), I’ll be honest and admit I questioned God’s wisdom in giving me these four children. I don’t have what it takes, people!!

I have a pile of stuff in my front room waiting for a photo shoot I’ve had planned for some time now. Finding a time when everyone is happy and fed and dressed right and the weather cooperates and the lighting is perfect... well, not happening. But it was GOING to happen this week. And then Luke got poison oak all over his neck and face. (He was just being silly in the first picture, but can you see the line across the center of his tongue? That’s where he bit a HUMONGOUS gash in it a while back. That was after the staples in his head, but before the stitches in his finger…)

We had a fairly quiet Father’s Day. We spent some time with my in-laws on Saturday evening and then had dinner and dessert with my parents on Sunday. My mom left on the train later that afternoon to spend some time with her parents in California. My grandfather has been battling a rare form of lymphoma recently, and then they discovered heart problems which led to open-heart surgery this past week. I’m glad my mom is able to be down there with them, but I’m going to miss her terribly! (And, Grandma and Grandpa, you are loved!!)

The weather has been so cool and wet this spring, we have spent very little time outside. Lola is just now getting introduced to grass. She’s not so sure about it.

To sneak in a couple high notes, Leif started reading Magic Tree House books this past week. I wish I could claim credit for that. And here are a couple fun, edited Lola pictures that I took today. (These are for you, Mom!)

She’s had some really good nights of sleeping and some not-so-great nights. Last night was a not-so-great one. Tonight already doesn’t look so great, either. I made it 55 days without a Dr. Pepper, but this past week I was seriously hitting bottom being sick and Lola sick and not sleeping. I need another Whole30, because I’m having a heck of a time keeping myself on track. Add that to the list. Right now, I just need to go clean house and then see if Lola will let me get a few hours of sleep. I’ll try to refrain from editing my post 50 times. More tomorrow.

21 comments:

Thank you so much for your honesty! You have no idea how encouraging a post like this is for me, another mom in the trenches, living the good, the bad and the ugly...Bless you for having the courage to be real.

Hi Heidi,I loved this post. While I love seeing your perfect house and edited photos, I also love seeing that you have days like the rest of us. June is always crazy around here and it's nice to see someone else going through the same challenges. I'm personally ignoring the laundry! If they all get desperate enough, maybe they'll throw it in! Have a fantastic day. P.S. I'm going to do the laundry now. Feeling guilty. :)

I absolutely love your blog and consider it one of my favorites! We also have 3 boys and 1 girl and I was just saying some of those EXACT things to my husband last night. It is SO hard with boys! Thank you for your beautiful, edited posts, and thanks for the reality, too! It all provides great encouragement to this momma in NE!

really. really. really. loved this post. these type of post keep me blogging actually - I love realness. thank you. all your photos are beautiful. your boys are boys!! and you have one sweet little girl. one day at a time.

hi heidi....great post. totally know where you're coming from. how many times have i talked to my boys only to realize i should take my own advice? TOO MANY! am i a hopeless perfectionist? YES! do i wish i could be a better parent and role model? ALL THE TIME!

because i'm a bit of a neat freak and perfectionist, people always expect that of me, making it even worse. but as i'm tying this, my boys are in the kitchen on "ant patrol". while opening our pantry doors this morning, i was greeted with a hundred little ants! yuck! so we wiped everything down and sprayed peppermint all over. the boys are anxiously watching for more ants and vacuuming them up. they are having a blast - maybe exterminator is now in the running for a profession?! so, that's how our morning is going. not exactly what was planned.

oh well. we do the best we can. and, by the way, i still think you're doing a great job, even reading about your "real life". it's obvious you are in love with your family and with God. all will end up just fine.

I love all of your posts. I loved this one. It was surprising to see that you feel the way I do sometimes as a mom of four and homeschooling mom, especially. I feel like I could have written your post and felt myself sighing with relief and sympathy and feeling understood all at once.

It's hard to blog the negative aspects of life without it coming off as whining or complaining. But you've done it beautifully here.

Your garden is really pretty. All that green everywhere is making my soul twitch and yearn for a change from our dead and dirt here.

Lola is getting so big! She looks like such a little lady! I love her sweet expressions.

I'm sorry her sleeping is up and down. Ember is like that, much more down than up unfortunately, and it's tiring. Not getting enough sleep really should give you a pass for things not getting done the next day!

I echo everyone else, I so enjoy your blog, you and Soule Mama are the ones I always check first! The reason is you both show me the beauty of everyday. I think I've always assumed the clutter and messiness and doubts of life were shoved to the outside of the lens because well that's real life! :) It was fun to read this post and know that's true. :)

I've been reading your blog for awhile but never commented. See what some honesty begets?! :D

I'm also a lazy perfectionist. I also have three boys and one girl, but my girl is my second-born child. My baby boy is almost the same age as Lola, and was awake between 4-6 am this morning! He just wanted to play. We ended up falling asleep on the living room floor together. Oh, and we all have fevers and coughs too!

Real life posts are so encouraging to me. I should do more of them, too. My life is wonderful and blessed, but there are throw-in-the-towel days, too. You have probably encouraged more folks than you know by being real. : )

I could've written this post. Sometimes the pressure to perform is too much. Sometimes I need to remind myself why I do what I do, and sometimes I just need to cut myself a little slack. Thanks for the peek into your life!

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