A collection of my daily thoughts, feelings and emotions, all tied up in a jumble of stories and tales from my day to day life.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Hard to get my head around.

Now call me selfish, ignorant, or just plain stupid, but I just don't get it. Maybe its just me being weird, or different to the rest of the world, but to me its just a natural act, progress, paying it forwards.

What am I talking about you are wondering? My mum of course!After today's revelation about her sister being ill too, and the subsequent phone call they held, after they had come clean I was expecting something more than seems to have happened.Instead of which, it seems there is just a stalemate again.

I asked mum if she would come up to see her sister with me in Wales very soon. To offer support, share her own experience, and boost my aunts moral. Let alone help my aunt make the brave decision to accept treatment sooner than mum did. To my surprise she replied with a flood of reasons and excuses why she could not, would not and should not go. Or not now at least.

They ranged from, wait until we know what's going on (errm we do mum, she has cancer), to I can't do long journeys in the car its too tiring (um, mum, I'm driving, we can stop whenever, and when was the last time we drove a long way). Needless to say its all very frustrating right now, and there is a certain element of deja vu present too.

Now to me, I feel compelled to use any experience in life, in any way I can, in order to help others. Be it a blog (like this), to forums chatting, IM chats, or phone calls. If I feel anything I have been through can benefit someone else, I share it. And armed with that experience I would go to the ends of the earth to help someone else and prevent them going through the same. Now make that a member of my family and suddenly to even question my commitment would be deemed offensive.

Right now mum and Joan are 200 miles apart. While it sounds a fair bit, its nothing more than a drive away. One I am willing to begin this very second if the need arose. However it appears this is not to be the case. Mums view on it right now is, she is willing to be there for Joan, but only wants to make the trip once. For me that's a no brainer. Go there now, help her make decisions, bounce ideas about, see her through surgery and recovery, then see what happens next.

However mums line on this is to wait a bit until some decisions are made, then be there for her if she goes ahead with treatment. While that is commendable, something still screams at me that Joan could really do with some support right now, and someone close to her to talk to. And with that in mind, I get the impression I will be making a trip to Wales this Friday. I will let mum know I am going and open the invitation to her. If she wants to come she may. All I know is, I went through this all for mum, and cannot just stand by and watch my aunt go through it alone. So I will hold out the hand to offer support.

I was the first person she ever told about it, she had lived with it as a secret for ages. And while I kept it from mum for some time, once the time was right I told all. And for a reason, so they could offer mutual support, and so one of them would not die in pain and the darkness of their own lies and secrets like their other sister did.

So tonight I am left a little confused, and little annoyed, and somewhat wound up about the whole matter.In the meantime I will make my own plans, draw up my own agenda and do what I usually do.... My own thing.