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Saturday, 12 October 2013

Hello panda eyes

Forget the panda cam craze capturing the hearts of the nation, more hello panda eyes. Claudia Winkleman, you have nothing on me. Not that she looks like a panda of course in fact she's smokin' the kohl look. It's just this tired bear's eyes isn’t an intentional look.

Let me explain…

It has become a daily occurrence that I find myself looking in the mirror in the ladies' at work and have to do a double-take. Who is this woman I see staring back? It usually happens just after that mid-morning lull; after about 10 cups of tea. The face staring back looks like an avalanche has taken place under her eyes. ‘Oh no’ I think to myself, ‘my make-up has smudged’ as I try to smear it off but nothing moves. Not even a baby wipe will suffice.

Nope, because what I've got are bags. Eye bags, dark bags, sleepless night bags, bags that even a cucumber slice or a tepid tea bag isn’t going do the trick.

Concealer – you used to be my friend. Now – nothing will work on these caves. These are more than ‘50 Shades of Grey’; they are every shade of purple in the spectrum. I’ve become Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory and any moment now the Umpa Lumpas are going to come in and turn me into a huge blueberry.

At first I thought it was my mascara: maybe I need a more expensive brand? They drum it into you in the adverts, so it must be true: ‘luxurious, lengthening, luscious, life-changing’ as the pretty girl flutters her feelers. Then underneath you see the small-print: 'Model’s lashes have been enhanced.’

Still refusing to entertain the fact these circles might actually be my own skin colour, one day I got a cut under my eye; turns out I had been smudging, smidging and scratching too much and literally swooped the skin away, all in the name of vanity. Ouch.

I’m in a need of a make-over (or maybe some rest?). Instead of leisurely clothes shopping, my lunch breaks now mainly consist of doing the nappy run. Literally, I am a crazy panda-woman pegging it across the supermarket car park with a huge bag of baby essentials, rushing to get back to the office.

So I've sunk like the Titanic and this new look has reached new depths. I thought I had a style crisis before (see Lady in Red, below) but this is nothing compared to now. I need a touch of ‘Touche Eclat’, a hands-on make-up artist, ooh and a foot massage wouldn’t go amiss either.

Perhaps I’ll just have to tattoo the eyeliner on permanently, if Claudia can do it… Lady in Red