for the birds

The Real L Word Recap 7

I heard someone during the week describe The Really Hellish Turd as “car crash TV”. I’ve always wondered about that phrase. I mean, who in their right mind watches a car crash? Maybe that’s my problem, if I could only become more interested in pile-ups, this show would be a blast.

The off-screen question this week seems to refer to sex toys. The answers are all boring and predictable.

Whit the Tit is all on for one fun with “marital aids”. She likes strap-on sex, but stresses “giving it”. You like to fuck people (over) don’t you Whit?

Jill is scarleh talking about them and was just as scarleh when she went into a sex shop for the first time.

Tracy (hi Tracy!) was over-whelmed by the amount on offer at her local sex shop.

Mikey thinks there are some “great contraptions” out there. She advises on hygiene, though. Do not put your strap-on in the dish-washer. Rule 69.3 in your lesbian handbook (f’narr):

Upon the dissolution of your relationship, please dispose of any and all sex toys. Should you wish to avail of the pleasure of sex toys with any new sexual partners, a fresh batch of accoutrement are waiting for you at your local sex shop.

According to Mikey this is what makes lesbian relationships so expensive.

Nikki is “very open in the bedroom”…ewwww. She has some “things in her drawer”.

Rose is a cow and I can’t stand her. Her opinion matters nothing. Bitch.

Tracy’s mother is having problems with her sexuality, so Tracy is trying to help her cop the feck on.

Ridiculously Overt Super Ego finds it hard to be in a relationship and “behave”. Is that blood on my shirt? Did my heart just bleed?

Whit being a tit.

All up to date? Cool here we go.

Oh, Mikey LA FAWK. Yes, we’re still there. This time it’s all about the RSVP list and the seating chart. I’m getting to like Mikey but I just don’t care about this shite. And Mikey? Take off your fucking sunglasses!!!!

Jilliki are at home and meeting Dan, a friend who could just be the gayest man in the world. He’s a designer and they need his help as Passover is coming up. Huh? What does a Jewish holiday have to do with design? Well, this is Hollywood baby! Jilliki are having friends over for their very first Passover in their own home. Therefore the home must be pimped. Moses would approve.

Dan basically takes over the house; the curtains, the walls, the table – you name it, he hates it. Nikki is just all about appearances. She “needs a chandelier in here”, and she looks like she means “need”. You need air and to put on 50 pounds Nikki, no one “needs a chandelier”.

So, for the rest of the show Jilliki have taken a break from their “off the hook” wedding to organise their “off the hook” passover.

Rose (left) visits her granny who raised her. Not such a good job there granny. Ok, ok we’ll blame nature not nurture.

Stamie is bringing Tracy to her first psychic reading. The psychic is “off the hook”. To prep herself for the reading she makes what can only be described as aeroplane sounds. Zooom, Psh, Pishawww, FlimFlim, Zap!! It’s like watching someone read a Batman comic. Poor Tracy is chewing a hole in her cheek trying not to snot herself. After all of the loopy shite, the psychic tells her all stuff we know. Tracy is impressed, but maybe she just watched the last few episodes.

Whit the Tit and friends are going paint-balling. So, in true Whitless style, she has a bet with Tor. Whoever wins gets to shag the loser with a strap-on. Whit, I underestimated your skankiness. I am truly depressed. And Tor, what are you thinking? I had high hopes for you. Don’t tell me you actually like this piece of fluff? Women…

Jilliki are having their life-or-death chandelier installed and it’s huge. As in, did you steal that from Versailles huge. It takes over the whole room. But of course, they sit back and watch open-mouthed. This is your house ladies! If you don’t like it, stop them.

It’s paint-ball time and who is there but Whitney and crew, Rose and kids and Mikey. WTF? How do these people know each other? It turns out that Rose and Mikey have known each other for years. I thought this was supposed to be about random lezzers in LA, not a bunch of mates.

Anyway, cue paint-ball montage that no one cares about. Whitless wins so she gets to shag Tor.

<rant> Can I just take a moment and stress that this is not representative of lesbians anywhere. These women, while having every right to act like arseholes, represent only arseholes and not the majority of the gay world. For most gayers sex isn’t something to be won or lost. And dreads are just smelly. </rant>

Tracy (right) goes to some Zen garden that is deserted but for her and her lunch. Why is she drinking out of a urine sample bottle? She calls her mam to see if she’ll come out to LA for her 30th birthday.

Tracy has lovely hands, tapered fingers. …Sorry, I have a thing about hands. *cough*

So, Tracy says to her mammy that she wants to be able to talk openly about her life with Stamie. Her mam says that it’s not easy for her, she can’t help how she feels and many other mothers would feel the same. I feel sorry for her to be honest. She actually carts out the old “some people go through stages, they are confused, they like to experiment” chestnut. Lord mam-Tracy you’ve a huge learning curve ahead. She has avoidance down though, “my phone is going to go any minute.” Ha!

Jilliki are acting like organising dinner is something from NATO. It’s a dinner party with friends, relax. Get people drunk and they’ll be happy. Oh it’s Passover, not Christmas, sorry, my bad. Suddenly, CRASH, SMASH. Has the psychic arrived? No! It’s the ridiculous chandelier crashing to the floor in a million pieces. LOL! It really was a life-or-death chandelier.

Of course, Jilliki over-react. Someone could have died, one of the dogs! The dogs! Won’t someone think of the dogs! Nikki, of course, has her heart set on the enormous tawdry piece of tack, and tries to convince Jill that they should try to re-install it.

Whitney and her mate Scarlet go to a sex shop to buy a strap on. They buy one. Much screen time is wasted.

Rose’s granny is in hospital. She hasn’t been well for a while and it turns out she has pneumonia. Rose is, understandably upset and all over the shop. Natalie tries desperately to be there for her but Rose is, quelle surprise, all about herself. Poor Natalie wants to help but “I can’t read her mind and I don’t know what to do for her”. Rose actually says “I need you not to be a bitch right now,” when was she being a bitch? You da bitch, bitch! Look, I tried to be nice, her granny is sick after all, but Rose is just a Creature of Unlimited Narcissistic Tendencies.

Whitless and Tor wake up in bed; the winning deed has been completed. Ick! Poor Tor actually thinks they have something together. Tor, Tor, Tor it’s called mindless sex.

It’s Passover, Dan completes the finishing touches to the house. The table is laid and it looks ridiculous. How can people see each other over all of those flowers and candles? Nikki is stressed out coz everything has to look perfect. See, Passover comes from the old days back when people would visit friends and family, but if your house wasn’t decorated well enough, your friends and family would pass-over your house and ignore you. See? So all of this may look superficial but it’s central to the Jewish holiday. Glad I could educate you.

From trashy displays of money to displays of white trash. Whitless and her friends are having a white trash party. Lots of jello shots, beer and crappy food later and they are all trashed. Looks like fun, though.

Mikey, LA FAWK. You have to be as sick of reading those three words as I am of writing them. Mikey is running around like a mad yoke trying to get things done, and is starting to get a bit “I’m the boss, bitches, why am I doing all the work?” Maybe they’d see how you feel if you took of the fucking sunglasses! Eventually she has a conniption. Stuff ain’t being done. She actually shouts at one of her employees though. Girl, not cool.

White trash party, Romi shows up. Is that a fin I see in the water?

Tracy and Stamie on the beach chatting. Tracy’s birthday is coming up and she wants her mammy to be there. Hey is that deja vu? Is there a glitch in the matrix?

Beer games at the white trash party. Whitless (left) is as pissed as can be and is dragged into her bedroom by Romi. Now ladies, Romi obviously wants a career in soft porn, or maybe she has a career in soft porn, who knows? Why else in the world would she be comfortable having an orgasm on television in front of hundreds of thousands of people watching from behind their hands and then rushing to the toilet to vomit? Seriously, am I old or does she have absolutely no self respect? Keep your hairless ho-ho to yourself.

The scene is gross. As sexy as Mikey’s sunglasses in the rain. Romi seems to be having fun but I can’t watch. I do notice, though, that Whitless put the strap-on on over her underwear. Niiiice! Plus, is it clean? You only used it last night. In that same bed. With someone who is outside the door. A tool with a tool.

Jilliki, perfect Passover in perfect house with perfect table settings.

Rose has to go to a party but is all up in her head about her granny. See Rose, that means that you worry about your granny. Not that you worry about you. You always worry about you. This is your chance to worry about someone else for a change. But you don’t know how to, do you? Can U Not Try?

Natalie is trying to take all the bitchiness and understand Rose but, being human and normal and all, she’s losing patience. Woop! In the car, as Rose is snipping at everyone in the world, Natalie tells her to calm down. Fight! Rose is all, “I’m asking you to stop right now”, pretending to be cool. But our Natalie is switched-on bitches! “Don’t talk to be like you’re my mom, coz you’re not.” WOOHOO!! Best line in the series so far. Kick it to her Natalie. Rose refuses to walk with her into the party. Muppet.

Mikey and her lady Raquel are out for date night. All Mikey can talk about is La FAWK. Raquel suggests that they talk about something else. Mikey agrees. Moments tick past, was that tumbleweed?

Rose tells Natalie to leave her alone so Natalie does. Of course, Rose is pissed off. What? She’s doing what you want. Stupid woman. So, Natalie spends the evening hanging with her sister who is the DJ at the party. Meanwhile, Rose’s ex-stalker-girlfriend, Angel, texts her support about her granny’s illness. Rose is touched. WTF?!?!? Your girl has been trying to support you all effing day, being there for you when you treat her like shite and leaving you to it when you ask. And a text from a stalker means something to you? You are as much a Rose as she is an Angel.

So Rose leaves the party without Natalie. Natalie is not impressed. You know, being a human being and all.

Whitless, unsexy sex with Romi. Tor is upset. All of Whitless’ friends are pissed off with Whit and her lack of sensitivity. Whit the Tit goes to apologise to Tor. Tor rips her a new one. Hah! In fairness to Whit, she takes it coz she knows she deserves it. The whole episode makes Whitless feel like the turd she is and she finds a quiet spot to fall apart.

Natalie gets a lift home from one of her mates. No Rose. Plus, Nat doesn’t have her keys. So she goes back to her friend’s house and they have a good auld bitch about Rose. Can I join in? Please? She’s a **** and deserves to be ******* ******. You deserve so much better Natalie. Even Whitney would be an improvement. Yeah I said it. Words of wisdom:

“Rose doesn’t care how I feel and is going to do whatever she wants.”

“You give people the benefit of the doubt all the time. Realise what she’s like.”

I could only manage 10 mins of episode 1 of this series, even that got me in a knot. I was madder than a hatter
Your recaps a brill though, I don’t need to watch the show to enjoy them
Batman noises – classic