Sunday, July 15, 2012

May Madness and the Aftermath

I do understand that the NCAA coined the term March Madness
for the flurry of college basketball games played throughout the month, however, I
do not think this kind of madness holds a candle to the madness that most
mothers feel in May. For one thing, if you have any campers, the stacks of camp
forms (which include having up-to- date physicals) are due. Spring sports are
in full swing and this year, between my two boys (one of whom was rostered on
four baseball teams, yep four) we were at a field, sometimes two, almost every night of
the week and on weekends. My youngest daughter plays soccer and because
they weren’t going to be able to have a team for her and her buddies if no one
stepped up to coach…well, sure, I will figure out how to make it work. And I
know so much about soccer! Not…never played a day in my life. And it is only two nights a week. What?!
Not really sure how these logistics are going to work. And then if you happen to have high-schoolers
like I do, it is finals prep time (and in my house, finals freak-out time), and
if you happen to have a junior (soon to be a senior) like I do, let’s throw in
the SAT or ACT tests this month as well!

Then there is a sprint for the finish at our kids’ school
with events that I had never even heard of until enrolling my kids at this school: portfolio day, field day, staff appreciation day, 4th grade
graduation, closing ceremonies for lower school, middle school and upper school (all on different days), baccalaureate (where
the first graders—yep, I have one of those too—sing to the outgoing seniors).
And, my daughter’s birthday party was also in the month of May, as well as my mother's 70th birthday. And oh, that Mother's Day in May idea...yeah...sure.

In addition to the above-mentioned mayhem, which made my head and heart spin on a very regular basis, this May was
especially heart- wrenching for my family. My beloved father-in-law, who fought
a courageous battle with pancreatic cancer for 4 ½ years, passed away on May 12th
(his 77th birthday). It was a devastating blow to our family and the
community who came out in droves and supported us with love and kindness.

The madness of May, however, did not
allow much time for the necessary process of grieving. We took time to honor my father-in-law with a beautiful funeral and a three-day shivah (time of mourning when friends and family gather to support the family of the deceased). But before any of us were ready, the kids had to take their finals,
return to their sports, my husband had to return to work, and we all had to return to the plethora of other events sprawled all
over the calendar. And I had to continue to guide the ship, and keep everyone moving in the right direction, which at
this point was getting through the end of the school year, trying to keep their
spirits up but also supporting them in their grief. I had to help them study
for their finals and finish their final projects. And then I had to be there
for my husband, who seemed to be in a state of shock and needed the space and
time to digest all of this. And quite honestly, there were days that I didn't think I could do it all; days that I wanted to run for the hills!

I felt consumed by grief, my own and everyone’s around me, and in making sure that everyone else was okay. This is when I knew I needed to, in addition to taking care of them and their
needs, I needed to find a way to take care of myself. I went back to teaching the high energy yoga sculpt classes
that I love and to writing the parenting book that has been my passion for the
last two years. Back in January, I
sent a few query letters to agents to see if they would be interested in
helping me get the book published but had not heard anything from any of them. Less
than a week after my father-in-law died, I vented to one of my girlfriends about
my feelings of self-doubt and frustrations with the book and the publishing
process. I hung up from her and
opened my email and in my in-box was a letter from one of the agents saying she
was interested in my work and would I send her some chapters and a full
outline. My eyes filled with tears
and I felt an immediate connection to my father-in-law, who was a real
go-getter, and wasn’t much for taking no for an answer. I saw him working some
magic from up above.

We all got through the next few weeks and found our way to
the end of the school year. My kids did fine on their finals, they contributed on their sports teams, and we managed to find time to talk about
Papa and how we will miss him. The
last day full of school was Friday, June 1st and I felt a certain lightness as May had
turned into June--summer was here and we would all have a little break from the
madness. But this lightness did
not last long. Five of my son’s
friends came home with him from school that day. They
were all playing wiffle ball in the back yard and I asked them if they wanted
to go to the pool. Some said yes,
and some said no. They took a vote. Going to the pool won. The boys, my youngest daughter and I all piled in my
car and drove over to the country club where each one of my kids learned to
swim. They played basketball and
swam. We had been there for about an hour and I was talking to a friend when I heard a whistle
blow three times. Kids scurried out of the pool. My heart stopped as I watched
a lifeguard pull out, what looked to me like a lifeless little body, from the pool. A boy, 6 years old, a kindergartener at my kids' school, attending a
birthday party. The rest of the details still haunt me, and writing them down is just too
painful. But when I settled into my car with my group of kids, we prayed. We
prayed for Nicolas. We prayed for a miracle. But not long after we left, we sadly found out that Nicolas was dead.

Witnessing the two deaths, one of a loved of and the other, a horrible, tragic death of a child, my
heart exploded into a zillion pieces and I have been working on putting it back
together since. My kids fill me up with so much love and joy, my husband is
slowly smiling a bit more, and thank g-d for my amazing family and
friends. Not long after the pool event, we took an Alaskan cruise
with my side of the family, during which ironically it was rainy, windy and
cold for 90 percent of time. Then, we sent our teenagers off to their amazing camps, and my sister
and I planned and pulled off a surprise 50th wedding anniversary for
our parents. As for the book, I did
manage to send the proposal off to the agent for her review. It may take
another five months to hear back from her (as it did the first time), but I
will keep writing.

It is mid-July now, and I am trying to take it one day at a
time. The days and nights are calmer; the pace is slower, and a lot less
frantic. I am ever so grateful for this time to think, to write, to teach, to
grieve and to let go. Grateful
that I don’t have to rush off to work every day no matter what is going on, as so many moms do. Sometimes
in the midst of those ever-so chaotic times when the world is moving faster
than you feel like you can grasp, when life seems to throw you curve balls that
you are not able to dodge, I would say that as a mother, it can be very
tricky. As you deal with your own
pain and fear, you must deal with your children’s as well. And each child processes life’s curve balls differently, and they don't really tell you what their process is, because most likely they don't know. Some like to talk about how they feel, some internalize, some move to anger, and others want to pretend that everything is fine. As a mother, it can be downright excruciating to try to help navigate your child through their process of grief, as we are not even always sure how to direct ourselves. But in the spirit of yoga,
my advice would be to stay present, be honest with your feelings, take time to heal, and believe in your heart of hearts, and share with your children, that “this too shall pass.” Life can be
complicated, scary and often does not make a whole lot of sense, but hang onto
those you love, and somehow, some way, your world will come back into focus
even though it may look and feel slightly or significantly different.

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About Me

I am a mother of four lovely, spirited children who continue to inspire me every single day (even on the days they drive me crazy!). I have been a writer ever since I can remember so I have no other choice but to write about my mothering experiences. I am working on a "tell all" book for moms that I hope to complete in the next year...I will keep you posted!!