Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It's a Wonderful MURDER: Part 2 (now featuring MORE MURDER)

I've been watching lots of episodes of The Wire in preparation to write...

It's a Wonderful MURDER: Part 2 (now featuring MORE MURDER)

When last we visited Detective Clarence, hot in the pursuit of the infamous Bedford Falls murderer, George Bailey, he was just preparing to leave the city morgue in search of "the big guns." The big guns he was referring to was his partner, a crack detective with 25 years of experience on the force. The locals called him "Burt the Cop."

Detective Clarence knew he wouldn't have to look far to find Burt. He was
probably at Martini's Strip Club trying to forget in the only way he knew how.

Clarence found him there and sat down at the bar right next to him.

"Clarence. Remember those days on the force when life was really bad around Bedford Falls?" Burt slurred, sipping from his glass of cordial.

Clarence nodded. "I remember."

"Women on the street showing all that leg. Guys crashing their cars into innocent trees. Speeders."

"There's a murderer on the loose, Burt. I need your help."

Burt swallowed the last of his cinnamon liqueur and said, "A murderer, eh? At least it's not something more serious, like loiterers. Let's go."

Now, you're probably wondering about the whereabouts of one Mr. George Bailey, murderer and all-around town nuisance. Well, he was holed up in the back of Old Man Gower's crack den, plotting his next move.

"I need to take out Mary the Mouth," he said, referring to his ex and former associate, Mary Hatch. She was known as "the Mouth" for two reasons: her inability to keep her trap shut when talking to the police and the fact that she kept her teeth sparkling white and beautiful. George Bailey opened a new box of Christmas lights and began checking the bulbs. An angel would be getting her wings that night.

"Where are we going, Clarence?" Detective Burt asked.

"To the only person who can help us," Clarence replied, pushing his foot to the floor. Soon, the car was speeding through the streets of Bedford Falls at over 30 miles per hour.

"Who's that?" Burt asked.

"Mary the Mouth," Clarence replied.

They arrived just as Mary the Mouth was leaving the library. She wasn't a librarian, just a kleptomaniac with a penchant for good books.

"Hey, fellas," Mary said, flashing her sparkling teeth at both of them and clutching her coat closely around herself.

"Whatcha got in the coat?" Clarence asked.

"Awwww, come on. I'm clean," Mary replied.

"It sure doesn't look that way," Burt said.

"I've been off the stuff for six months," Mary said.

"You're lying, Mary," Clarence said. "I see a copy of War and Peace right there."

"I'm holding that for a friend," Mary said.

"We're gonna have to take you in, Mary. We need to talk about George," Burt said.

Hearing the name, Mary screamed and tried to run away, but Clarence caught her arm. Books of all trim sizes, age levels, and page counts fell from her coat.

"You tell us where George is and we won't run you in for library book theft," Detective Clarence said.

"I don't know where he is," Mary said, still struggling to get away.

"Don't lie to us, Mary," Burt said. He dangled a copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in front of her face.

"Fine!" Mary shouted. "Anyone looking for George Bailey should head over to see Big Chief Potter. But that's all I'm saying!" Mary the Mouth grabbed the book and scampered away as quickly as she could.

"I guess we're going to head over to that casino with the super racist name then," Detective Clarence said.