new to all of this (part 1-8)

well i'm new here but not new to the thoughts and desires of suicide. been this way most of my life. and if i could put it on automatic pilot and live the rest of my life like that, i'd do it in a heartbeat. but i can't and it doesn't work. and the worst part if being made to feel like a criminal because you don't want the greatest gift of all time--life! i'm in my 40s and know it ain't going to get any better and probably even worse.

i've been sick most of my lfe and i'm hoping to get that all straightened out soon. i've been out on workers comp leave since 2004 and it sucks. i had a near fatal car accident (for which i've asked god why in goodness names didn't he just take me back to heaven it was simply an accident that manythought i did on purpose but i truly didn't do anything to cause it. i think i "blacked out" from the pain from neck muscle spasms due to the on the job accident in 2002; what a nightmare. well now i'm trying to get it so that workers comp doesn't find out about the car accident because then they'll try and imply the accident made it worse and it didn't; none of the injuries were from the ribs up... lacerated liver (they airlifted me to the local big city hospital), broken ulna and radius for which i have rods in there and a badly broken two leg bones in my right leg. i went last week to the local orthpedic and after doing the exam he did say i could do phyiscal therapy until the cows came home it wouldn't heal and the pain would still be there so he did nothing besides refer me back to the surgeon who put the plate(s) and screw(s) in because he said it can get tricky. well the family is going on vacaatin from jun 1-10 and it used to be that i came first but i guess i'm scum of the earth again because goodness graciuous if i asked them to rearrange their plans i would be seen as ungrateful and selfish but why wait in pain and despair. and if i tell them i'm distraught well they'll want to have me locked up again and it's just so unfair to me. first i was off my rocker insinuating it was the plate and screws causing the pain but i know my body very well and i KNEW what the problem was. i mean i'm 44 and am an adult and can pretty much figure out what the crux of the matter is. i mean my father acts like there is nothing on this god given planet than to have more surgery. i would prefer to just finish healing but it's not happening and i need to bring it all together. i'm soooooo scared of it all.

i remember in middle school right before leaving to catch the bus, i would close the bedroom door and sit on the bed and just wail and wail and wail until i got hoarse. i just kept asking god why was it so hard and would life get any better than this, i mean how could it get worse? but i prayed to god that life would loosen up and give me a break or two. kept praying but i haevn't seen anything until the day that has showed me life was going to indeed get better. i'm still waiting and it seems like it just progressively gets worse. i also don't ask for much. people are amazed that the truly little things in life makes me happy so i don't even ask for monetary extravagant things in this simple life of mine. things aren't ging to make me happy but my emotional bank account is also bankrupt and both accounts are feeling the crunch--gas prices are also making it difficult to just take a drive dwn to the park and walk around--of course i sprained my bad ankle last week so it has been one thing after another. last weekend was really pathetic and on top of it being rainy i was in alot of pain.

i was doing so well recuperating from the car accident. i had to move out of my dad's in 10 days and i was more or less a complete cripple but if i didn't leave then, i would have needed a straightjacket because i was being driven insane. the guy had an arsenault of finger pointing and blaming---he even "supposedly" found the phone book on a suicide prevention page and i'm like no way it didn't happen and i mean yeah i probably did have those tendencies but there's no wayi would have left all that "evidence" and would have tidied up befoer i left the house. my goodness i was railroaded and tere we like 50 pieces of incriminating evidence but i'm not that stupid and i would have had it look like an accident instead of finger pointing and making it that obvious--you know no stigmitizing stuff.

now i OD'd on purpose a couple of years ago. i kissed my family members "goodbye" and passed out for 11 days and they said no way with no food and wter for 11 days could you have made it and i'm like well i did and i was amazed as well. i was barely breathing and i guess i luckily never lost oxygen to my brain from swallowing massive amounts of valium and oxy. i can feel it if i can just sleep peacefully i will be all set for the next few days if i can just get some peaceful sleep. and then i have to go to the workers comp hit doctor who gets paid 1,000 to pretty much lie. i've seen him twice before and the last time i was there he knew i was in dire pain and even helped me open the door because my arm was pretty much that badly crippled and in agony. well at least he did mentin in the report two years ago that he was unable to exmine me (he made it out to be like i was a beligerent patient and i wasn't i was in agony and had to go home and deal with the pain with no pain medicine from him). usually when i'm dwn and depressed i can sleep but not so this time and i don't knw why. if i could sleep then i would be able to get some peaceful rest and that would help me out come the end of the week. my tolerance level is way up there too i can't use any sleep medicine cause it just doesn't wrk and the pain medicine i get sick if i take all i can take; so i'm pretty much ODing and not gettingthe benefits of the drowsy falling asleep. i'm also worried about being dependent on these things. i think i'm all set right now but it is a concern.

i really want to snap out of it but it's easier said than done. i LOVE spring but i live on the top floor of a brick apartment building and so a/c is VERY expensive and i have to really watch the budget. so those thinking i *don't* want to go back to work are dreaming because i'm so sad and depressed. i never made alot of money but i got the bills paid and even wanted to do volunteer work. i guess if it is meant to be i will be able to do it. anyone ever hear of a cuddle program where the mom's of the infants can't make it into the hospital for whatever reason or if the baby was born addicted to a drug. so you would hold, cuddle and nurture the baby and will it to get stronger and believe in themselves even though the first. i sat in circle with a woman who was a CICU nurse and she would go down private hpsital elevators so that no one would say "oh my look at how TINEEE you are!" and she said that the baby was growng and striving to live and be strong and are doing so much better. not sure if everyone or most people know this but babys tend to lose weight right after they are born and then start gaining it back. so instead of having that negative reinforcement she avoids the population when bringing the baby around the hospital for various testing. i'd love it if someone took good care of me like that and were there forme when i was growing up. i had no one there for me, no one and the echoes in my mind are extremely loud and lonely.

how do you stop the sadness and the desire of not being anymore. how do you grasp onto hope when you know there isn't any? where i'm new here i don't expect anyone to answer this, why would you you don't knw me and might think i'm just being melodramatic and looking for attention and believe you me i'm an extreme introvertand because this is anonymous it made me feel like i could at least not feel likei'm wearing a placard that reads "hey it's me dumdumgurl!" at least i can feel like i'm hidden and no one is going to make me feel ashamed of needinghelp from depression. thank god it's not 20 years ago because at least it's more accepted but there's stilla stigmatism for feeling depressed and i'm thinking in this day and age how is it not likely that a gazzilion people aren't depressed; at least all of the "normal" people would be. my goodness the world HAS gone absolutely bonkers. i'm hoping that after i hit the send button i'll feel a sense of relief even though i know no one will be supportive and it's too bad because i noticed how very supportive 90% of you members are to each other. but where i'm not known no one is going to waste their time on me, someone who just decided to sign in and be sad on the forum. it's also nice to see that the regulars will come on an post things when they are going exceptionally well for them; it's real life happening right in front of your eyes and that is just so cool. maybe where i'm just honestly writing i'll find some soul relief or maybe not where no one will answer this lunatic of a person,huh?

i'm just so tired of being tired and tired and frustratingly depressed. always get the it will be better in the upcoming years and how can it be. i don't have a job right now and it looks likewhen i'm ready to go back taht there won't be a position at my old company. why do they have to have bullies at our age? i have noticed that alot of bullies are cowards that hide behind their work titles of manager. but then if someone has hurt me unnecessarily and undeservedly being spiteful they eventuallly get theirs. this woman actually had subordinates crying in their cars before they would get teh courage up to get out of their cars to enter the work place. is that sad or what? and this woman may have been bullied as a kid becasue she is the homliest thing walking this earth and her daughter (and i'm sorry about this really, truly i am) has bozo the clown textrue and color of hair and will definitely be the butt of hair and ugliness jokes. and because i'm used to being treated like garbage at work that doesn't set a good precedent of going back to work. a neighbor took the garbage bag from my hand and walked it and put it in the dumpster and i didn't know how to act to his kindness.so if you treat me like garbage i respond favorably and like i deserve it but if you treat me with kindness or pay me an honest compliment i fumble and don't know how to accept being treated graciously and kindly. that's the environment i grew up in an it took until my mid 20s when i was watching a show like 20/20 and realized the bit they were doing on emotional abuse directly applied to me. i was terrorized and tortured as a little girl and so was my sister but she's lost in la la landand i'm not sure she's ever let it sunk in but it was a hard pill to swallow when i had to stop and let the story sink into my head and i know i've discussed it with my sister but i don't think i got insideher head ithink she may have been in denial or maybe she felt it was just as horrible and scary as i found it to be when i was watching the show. but that's typical abusive behavior when you are in denial and say no your parents wouldn't have done that to you why would your parents hate you so much. why would your parents want to do that type of damage to their children? why why why? guess that's why i'm wondering why i'm depressed and it doesn't work. i'm on effexor and i've tried several other antidepressants... elavil made megain weight like a cow but it did help me sleep. i'm tired of not have a sex drive either. but none of them really seem to help me and i'm tired ofjust downing pills because the "might" help and so i've stopped taking the effexor and so far i have't had any side effects but from what i hear there are supposed to be significant ones but they don't tell you what they are which sucks. why have the information ifyou can't read it somewhere; don't advertise there are adverse and bad side effects if you aren't going to list what they are. how exactly serius is it and i hate to call the pharmacist because they sometimes play god and make you paranoid when there is no need to be. i had blood work taken inthe ER when i thought i was having a side effect from the botox injected in my neck muscles to help for the work accident in feb 2002. and the nurse had a hoitey toitey attitude and asked if i had taken any benzos and i'm like no i didn't because she said there were traces in the blood that i had taken smething like valium. but then i realized what it was and icalled the pharmacist and they were acting like i was asking for some pretty top secret information! i had taken compazine for nauscea and it will sometimes register inthe same class as benzos. a friend told meto always make sure and refuse taking any of ths types of blood work because common everyday food items can sometimes register as hard core drugs. he said even things like the herbal sleepy time tea can register in a bad way and i'm like so you aren't safe and he said pretty much no. so you can't win if you tell them to not take the tests and what makes you know whethr they did or didn't unless you looked at the bill or the orders and see if tests were run that you specifically asked them not to--but what can you do "after" the fact.

i also have to have leg surgery to remove the hardware from the accient that they put in below the kneecap and i was doing so well until like two months ago when i could barely even get up to walk. the pain is ungodly and once the pain is gone i'll be alll set and i have to have it so that the neck muscles are healing at the same pace... or at least not have the leg muscles be a problemwhen theneck is healed. well if i can sit and get the job done, i'm all set. so if anyone out there is catholic (or not) and believes in prayer if they could say a prayer that the surgery will be coordinated asap and i can heal properly. my family , god love them for not always being there and knowing what is an isn't important, will be on vacatin jun 1-10 and that's probably when they'll schedule surgery and i won't be abel to get a ride in. so please pray ther i can coordinate or at least line up a ride so that i can get in there STAT and get the surgery done and that should help lift the depression beaue then i'm going to try and be brave and look for the positive. i have friends who pray and god does amazing things. okay he has performed many more miracles that i have deserved but i get a feeling he's not done with me yet and will help me if i gather a prayer network with you guys. so if you can pray i coordinate surgery and that things go well and i have the pain issue addressed. i don't ever expect to feel no pain but i had endo addressed 4 years ago through a radio freq burning of the nerves and i got TOTAL relief even though i didn't EXPECT it. so where the neck is doing well and i still have the movement in my leg all over th place and that is great news. they had originally said that if i had movement allover the place i would have pain but i didn't. now with the leg still being mobile and the local ortho said fracture is pretty much healed so they can take it out early if they chose to, this guy would have had he done the surgey but he didn't so he didn't want to touch it. so even though i don't plan on being pain free i haven't ruled it out. even the neck muscles they said i might need "maintenance" injectins but the first injections i had done 9 months ago areholding up and i dont think i'll have to have maintenane on them. if i injurethe neck i might need to have an injectin to loosen up the neck. but it does have a solution and no one thought it would work but i did. i believe in me. i so believe in me and yet i dont want to live. how can that be the case, how can this possibly be? everyone thinks i have it all and they think i'm such a strong person and yet i'm a whimpering coward who is a fraidy cat and i'm tired of being tired and afraid. why is there so much fear. and i'm not afraid of dying because ibelieve in life after death. and i'm not sure about the instant reincarnation whether that's true of not but that's okay i might be able to handle it underdifferent life circumtance. i had a psychic reading done by world renowned psychic sylvia browne and she said this was my last lifetime and that when i died this lifetimei get to stay in heaven and don't have to reincarnate again. myabe i'll have to come back one or two lifetimes to make up for cutting this one short. although maybe not, i wn't knw until i get there and then find out. but i do believe god is just and kind and i don't know why he is being so hard on me this lifetime but i'm praying that he has mercy on my weary soul and we can negotiate something so that i don't have to come back for another lifetime; maybe there's some work i can do in heaven that will make amends. when i OD's i was in a coma for 11-13 days and then when i had the near fatal car accident recently i was in a coma for 3 weeks. during that time i don't remember ever talking to god or anyone else in heaven. i don't remember any NDEs (near death experiences) and i don't recall any hallucinations--except when i was inthe ICU for the OD i thought i was in a section of the hospital that was used for sperm donors it was the weirdest experience and ithought i was in serius danger for some reason... my sister remembers metelling her about that theory.

so you see i'm not afraid to die ijust don't want to mess up and get locked up. i have to make sure to be successful. when i woke up from the OD the doctor who had given me the meds kept asking me if i took anything and he said i kept shaking my head back and forth no becaue i wasn't able to talk so i knew it was wrong and my subconscious was not admitting to anything. and then when i was eating one night i tried to open up a boost drink carton that is hard under normal circumstances and damn near impossible when you had lost all strength and control over your hands. so i was drinking it and i spilled it all over me. i just started crying and asking myself was i going topermanently be this cripple and what the heck happened? what the heck happened; from what i was gathering between sperm bank donations (hahaha!) i was under the impression that i was found on the floor not breathing. i was surprised that i was able to even get out of bed after all i took; and that's a concern too if i took all i did how am i going to know if smetihng is enough unless i drink alot with it and i'm not a drinker and don't like the high proof stuff because it burnes my throat and i hate the taste of booze. so just when i spilled the boost drink allover me it hit me that i swallowed a heckuva lot of pills and then figured out i hadn't been found for 11 days. and i thought i lost the apt keys in the dumpster but obviously it was outside of the dumpster because someone found them and put them on the corkboard above the mailboxes. had they not been there no one would have found meintime but my god 11 days with no food and water is amazing and it makes me feel like i'm invincible which i don't want to be i want to be dana plato part 2. besides my body has taken such a beating. about 20 years ago i injected charcoallighter fluidin my legs and arms. but i don't think i hit a vein. that hurt and i was going to try injecting drano but thank god i didn't that would have probably been a very violent exit. so when i was in the ER the staff can be so cruel and i don't knw why they aren't in your shoes and if you are going to judge than remove yourself from my care or resign as a medical staff person. she saw my arm was all blown up and said they may have to amputate. doyou know what that was like to hear? all i wanted was to be brought to a place to die and be left alone i didn't care if i was in pain i figured that would subside in time as i died. but my boyfriend at the time did the fireman hold and carried me out to his truck and drove me to the ER and pretty much dumped me there--he was married at the time and divorce proceedings hadn't begun so he had to not be seen with anyone or else he would have been divorced on grounds of infidelity. so here i was dumped in the ER alone and having a nurse being cold as all hell to me and threatening amputation and i don't know if i should have said something but at that time i was so young that nurses were authority figures and you shut your mouth and took their BS and boy was she ever mean.

i do remember my sister saying after an attempt years ago i wish you would just finish the job.... supportive wouldn't you say? that's the way my entire family is but then my father is a recovered alcholic and that's par for the course i'm told.

so anyway i final realized i had done this to me and then i got extremely angry and felt like a failure for faililng to cross over to heaven and i'm sure i'll go to heaven so please don't anyone say i'm doomed to rot in hell.... i've been to hell and back on this planet earth this lifetime. welcome to hell, i'll be your driver! so then it was confession time and i called my father. and he was sarcastic with his "we FOUND your keys you left us" i didn't leave the keys they were for all intensive purposes thrown away in the dumpster and long gone to some landfill. but no someone was working in heaven overtime (maybe my mom) and had i *thought* to look better i might have found them becasue it had snowed too and i'm surprised they didn't get lost somewhere or covered in snow or plowed into a corner and waiting for the spring thaw. but no stupid luck i would have and if i had to go through one more night i probably wouldn't have made it. they said there was no way i was going to make it out of that coma... they had tried everything to stimulate me and nothing was working. then they said well let's see if we can feed her. if we can't feed her, it's not going to allow meto live. my body was so resilient as soon as it came too and i bounced back into full recovery. the only thing that held me back was that i was lying on the floor on my back so that my right butt cheek was pressed against the hard floor and so i developed what is termed a bed sore and they had to cut all the way down to the bone to get the infectin out. then they had to close the wound from the inside out and so they had to pack it. they had a woundvac that would help with healing but i had a bunch of incompetents outside of the rehab hospital that couldn't stop the darn thing from leaking so it squealed like a meat grinder and there was no way my father was going to be able to sleep with all thta noise and neither could i; if i don't sleep i'm mean and nasty. don't feed me and i'm okay but deprive me of sleep and i'm an animal. now my father saw the wound cause he had to disconnect the machine and a few times reinforce the bandage when it would start to fall off. and even tough he saw it was cut all the way down to the bone (about 4 inches from the original surface) i wasn't supposed to feel any pain, i mean get real but becasue i OD'd they were like oh no and i'm like grow thehell up stop with the melodramatics. they would give me some morphine before the bandage changes and one of the psych ward nurses said wow it's a good thing your body isn't craving this morphine. and because i figured out what happened and to this day i wish i would have kept my mouth closed and not said anything becasue instead of going to rehab (and now the rehab wouldn't take me becasue of the "danger" i'm like danger time is over people get a clue) they sent me to a psych ward. now i was a cripple and they had put like 8 blankets on me because it was january and inthe minus degrees out with heavy windchill factors so where the windows weren't reinforced i froze and because i had no muscle mass from not moving (and not getting PT while in there althugh i was supposed to be getting it and possibly the wound vac--there was talk of moving meto a regular floor and getting thewound vac hooked up but i think they were afraid to let the crazy lady out of the padded room!) and so i was basically in a straight jacket because once those blankets were on and in place i couldn't move and a doctor mentioned that he said you haven't moved since i've come in and i'm like i can't it's freaking cold in this johnny and i don't have the strength to move the blankets so that i can move. then to have a diaper put on you becasue they couldnl't do their jobs was humiliating and that's when i told my father either he did somthing so i didn't have to lie in my own piss and shit i would quit an dgive up an it wasn't too late to will my body to do that. i's not that i couldn't use the bathroom (and they had the portable potty for me to use) but i couldn't get in and out of the bed for a few days and then it was an effort that required me to focus on just that. i tried using the regular toilet but the sissy bar was diagonal instead of horizontal so i couldn't "pull" myself up and had to rig and she really had to hoist me up to get me off the toilet. why they put me in a psych ward and they had a bellhops bell do you know how useless that is in a hospital. i had heard that a woman in a hospital somewhere was sick and tired of ringing and having no one show up so they picked up their phone and called 911 and had emergency come to the hospital room; happened at the exact time i was in this stupid setup. so they should have had me closer to the nurses station so taht they could "hear" me; do you know how loud a hospital is? well i felt trapped and didn't let that bell leave my hand but it did me no good when i rang as you couldn't hear it. you really needed a heavy duty bell and that is one thing i should have written tothem about that psychologically you feel trapped in your body and unable to get help when you needed it; you lost your dignity when you had to put on a diaper when you didn't need one and i made sure i had plenty of time to get smeone in my room to help me (usually took two women and there were a couple of big guys who were able to handle me alone and i could care less if he saw me nakid as a j-bird--there was one guy who was walking down the hall late one morning and he *leered* and made me very afraid of being raped as you hear stories of that happening and espcially the crazy lady who can't move and poops in her own pants!) so it wasn't like you had 30 seconds and i always finished up just as quickly because i didn't want to bother anyone and it was bought up that i was well liked on the ward. when one of the nurses was training another nurse how to change the butt bandage, she said oh and she is very cooperative it must hurt like anything (and another aide who was pissy that morning even rubbed my leg sympathetically when she saw how deep and big the wound was and said "oh hon that must really hurt"--if only she knew and they thought i could sit in a wheelchair the only comfortable thing was to lie down and they would be yelling but i had asked and asked for PT and didn't get any until two days before i left and then i started making progress and didn't walk like frankenstein with my cane) but she is very good about doing what you need her to do while you change the bandage.

then i had to find a place taht would take me after an intentional OD and i luckily pled my case and got a place local to my residence so that i could have friends and family visit. the doctor even said he heard alot ofplaces turned me down but again i had done my time in psych ward and was an agreeable patient who participated and didn't want to. i find situations where you have to do group things very frustrating because i'm not mentally slow and like to be challenged and you find somereally irritating people in the wards. the ones i got along with had a sense of humorand one woman offered to marry my boyfriend and me (he's also been broken up with me since right before the car accident and i know heloves mebut i don'tknow what his problemis and i wish a guy could explain what is going on in his mind and how to best approach things from my angle as my heart hurts and i just did a karmic releasing spell ritual and i'm expecting hopefully teh end of this week a karmic rel report and if it's any good i'll drive to hiswork ashe's moved and i don't know where he is and drop him off a copy and make sure i have a really nice dress on becasue heused to always see me in tshirt and sweats so i'll dress it up even though i've lost alot of my hair from stress and blood pressuremedicines) because she was a minister. and she kept hinting that we would be together and well i'm telling you people who are "crazy" sometimes (most times) "see" things and will tell you without beating around the bush what they *SEE* and she saw love there. i had alot of eye opening experiences duing that psych ward stay and many people were so kind and honest and most grateful of all was open with their hearts. i can't tell you how often i was told i was "kind" and i jut think i'm the biggest bitch going. even though i wasn't able to socialize much (and i'm an introvert so it really wouldn't have happened unless i was solicited) many got to know me and they all seemed to want to interact with me. i don't think i'm worthy of anyone's time that i admire and i find that i am. duirng the car accident rehab the staff would always find reasons to come in and talk to me. one woman who would have frightened me in high school becaue she was a toughie but she ALWAYS found a way to come and see me and talk and she would always answer my buzzer even if she wasn't assigned to me and this wasn't the only one that would do that another aide would come up behind me when i was rolling in my wheelchair and tug on my poneytail and it just made me smile that she felt playful enough to tease me. i was well liked by the rehab staff and even the primary doc i had paid attentin to me even though 3 days after being awake i was hysterical crying that i was so depresed and i needed help and he got me the help and didn't hold it against me which was nice for a change and not seen as a weirdo and the OD is still following me and was jut put on a doc nots ths past january which is disheartening but again many aren't even addressing it or treating me with kid gloves. but i made that clear at rehab once i knew that it was in the reports becasue the primary doc asked about the butt scar and i told him it was the result of an OD attempt. but i told the therapists that i didn't hit the tree (found out later it was a brick building actually and during morning rush hour traffic and i think if you ask anyone that knows what they are talking about know taht you don't take people out with you and i couldn't live with myself or have died with myself after killing or harming others) on purpose and that it was just that a car accident where i believe i blacked out from pain. and then the primary doc FINALLY got me the botox treatment through my health insurance instead of wrkers comp while i was in the rehab. then i had a nodule on my lower left intestinal area that they thought was shit but it wasn't. then they had their psychologist come in and threaten me by saying either you go home or we can drop you off at an ER and say you have pain but we can't find anything. how dare he threaten me! he has a nice cushy job because face it anyone who ended up in rehab probably had an accident and even if they didn't and it was a hip or knee replacement the pain and agony of having to work with what you had to deal with more than likely isn't making you happy and if life is just honkey dorey i would say you were a liar. so this psychicatrist has a great comfortable job because well of course people are ging to be depressed and espcially somene in my posotion being depressed most of my life and having all kinds ofmedical issues that weren't easily fixable or if they were i couldn't get the help i needed when i needed it. so this rehab primary doc was an angel and he moved on things and followed through and even came to see mewhen i went into the city and had a surgery followup on my leg and arm and he wouldn't let me do anything so i was hysterical when i got back to my hospital bed. so they called the primary doc and were seeing about a tranquilzer becasue i was so distraught. and instead of doing that the guy came to my room and sat down andtalked to me which made allthe difference in the world and allowed meto go to sleep that night; he agreed to do xrays in the morning to see if we could get rid of the neck brace and sure enough i was right and i was able to have that come off and instead of sending in a nurse or staff member to tell meto take it off, my father was visting and he nodded towards teh doorway and the doctor camein and said turn around and i did and he then took off the neck brace and you could see the look of satisfaction that he was able to help me out again. but he worked hard for me and he was giving me alot of pain meds because i was in agony (2 perc every 3 hoursround the clock) and he knew about the OD and wasn't worried about it and i didn't get any pain meds when i left the hosp even though i had been taking them for about 5-6 weeks. but he was an excellent doctor and i told him about that and also relaye good words i heard another patient tell his father about what a good doctor he was.

anyway that's my long story. i think you can see why i'm depressed. and if some of you guys could say prayers at least that would be great and i'll know yoou've read this whle thing becasue you'll put down in your replies prayers being said for you. although i don't think anyone will read this i really dont'. i always think taht and it may be becasue my ex used to trash via snail mail or email any messages that were long. i think it's rude and if i took the timeto write it, it was important. i'd love to be able todiscuss man things with a man and see if he can tell what is going on in thisman's mind. he had said during a bust up that he would always love me that with *ME* that wouldn't ever change. i also gave him my email and said if he didn't want me sending him good characteristic traits or anything else he should get in touch with me and tell me. well usually he will write "please leave me alone" but he hasn't said that in the 9 months we've been broken up. and he insisted he be allwed to come see meinthe rehab and duirng the visit things were calm and like normal no stress or bad feelings. i said i thought you wished me ill will and he said he would never do that. he also kissed meonthe lips onthe way out and that makes no sense becasue he could have kissed meonthe forhead like he did when he started to come see mewhen i OD'd (my family found a c/o for his mom'saddress and sent hima letter saing that i was very sick and might notmake itand he calledright away... he had left me a voicemail saing to call himand he sounded urgent and frantic so my dad called him and said i hadn't been in touch because i was in a comainthe city hospital from a car accident and he said he just knew something was terribly wrong) but no he kissed me on the lips and it wasn't passionate as we were inthe hospital but it wasn't a casual peek on the cheek either. then i said i love you and instead of him saying me too to just acknowlege it he said "i love you". after the OD he was here and asked if i'd always treat him that well adn the answer is yes but i have to be treated with respect and dignity and acknowledged. he relayed a dream he had at that point.he said inthe dream he asked me "would you be a good wife" and instead of me just answering yes i answered "you know i would be" because he dos know this. it's as if he can commit to things that he knows will fail becaue then he can go see i knew it but if it will survive and thrive he can't commit to it; me. now i'm getting frustrated and thinking of just letting it go but maybe that's not what i should be doing. again i have left him my new phonenumberand an email so that the email he could just casually email me and say to moveon but he hasn't done that so that's his way as i know him to hang by his side he doesn't want meout of his life but i dont know what isgoing on.

i do astrology and you can ask a horary question which is a questin you ask and the chart is "born" at the time, date and plae of the question. in all charts he does love me and does think of me and did liten to a phonemessage that asn't pleasant and teh astrologer said he wasn't happy about the messages but anyone would knw that if they knew the subject. so i asked whether i shoul contact himand got a rude response and told to stop the soap opera i was involved in and that was uncalled for and i told her that. it was also bought up that he was seeing someone but it wasn't serious. well i didn't quite think it was right becaue ididnt' "feel" it so i asked another forum that i asked if i should call him and they said yes and it turned out to be the right thing to do. then i said well i dont know if you can tell whether he is seeing anyone and the guy said he wasn't that far advanced in his studies but to repost and see if someone would answer. well i got an astrologer who runs a newsgroup and i've used her professionally (regarding neck injury and she said good news was it would be fixed but it would take 5 years and she's right it is the 5th year and we are fixing it!) and she said he was seeing someone but isn't now and it wasn't serius. ithink he was seeing someone becasue i changed my phone number and had himthnking i moved so he probably half heartedly tried to jump into a rel knowing again it wasn't going to work but where i was gone he'd make an attempt. my first love and i were going to try and be friends but my gf who he told about the rel as he was married at the time said he can't be your friend he loves you toomuch and i think that's the same thing with my ex. how can he be a friend if his heart is screaming i love her but how do i handle thisor is it timeto not only say goodbye but keep it that way and be adult about it. see i can be friends with himand he said the only reason i was able to be gracius about his ex stephanie is becasue she is dead but even ifshe wasn't i wouldn't want himto not be friends with anyone he wants to be friends with. i'mnot teh jealus type and if i don't trust himwell it's timeto getout ofthe relationship and i know when he's with me, he's with *ME*--heck i even pointout pretty women to him but i mentined jon bon jovi filled out a pair of jeans like nobody's business and he would always get this hurt lookin his eyes and i'm like he has nothing on you and if i had achance to have a one night stand or even a long term relationshp with him i'd pass to be with you and only you. and it's the truth... i live honestly and not in the land of illusion and i'd rathr have someone that reallly loves me than to be with somene famous for the sake of being with someone famous or to get expensive love gifts. i can't date someone becaue of money and had the opportunity at work where everyone said go for it he has so much money he doesnt' know what to do with it. but there isn't any chemistry there on my end so anyone that "knows" meknows i can't pretend to care about someone and i can't even think about making love to someone i don't love or am remotely attracted to.

okay enugh you are probably mad because this is so long but there's so much more. isn't there always? again prayers for medical assistance and happiness would be greatly appreciated. i'll write to my uncle now in tennessee. he's great about being in touch and showing his love. i wish he lived closer because we could get together and pray or i could jut hang out with him and learn about life; old people (me included!) have so much to teach younger people and they are such a tome of knowledge that i love listening to themand hearing what life was like for them and how they handled life circumstances. i just keep thinking that all the history stuff i learned in high school is so obsolete because now all this other stuff has happened; ie., gulf war, etc. and they would have had to cut out some historic things inthe booksor else you'd be carrying a book that was like 5,000 pages in length! and this document is my presentation to the history book, my history book. i'm hoping to stop living the life of being crucified (there are like 50 life themes that sylvia browne lists in one of her books and i can't think of the atual word but crucified is on the same line of what is teh actual word) and start living the life of humanitarian. imagine instead of wasting energy being depressed (and I've tried!!!!!!) i can use the life i was given to make a difference even in a smalll ay. and the people in the pysch ward proved it i can do it and it doesn't mean i hve to move mountains i just have to put my heart,mind and soul behind it and will my small contribution makes a powerful impact. one way of doing this is telling people when they are making a distinct difference in my life because not everyone knws they are making a HUGE difference in your life with what they have done or said to you. and you should see how many people are taken aback and realize they are (or have) made a great deal of positiveness in your life. and where i'mnot materialistic the things i get from people are worth small fortunes in their own right.

I like History, all those people, all those lives that shaped their societies and their futures. Each person had a part to play, they all contributed to it all, they all had their tales to tell, they all had something to teach us.

I'm glad your post was long, it's given me a lot to think about. Life can be a struggle and it's good that you're managing to find a sense of purpose and meaning in it all. I think we all need to do that.

Each of our lives is important, many people here would say that life is sad, or hard or unbearable and they are probably right, but when people say that they aren't important or that their lives aren't worthwhile, they are so, so wrong. Everyone has a story to tell, and I hope that we can all tell those stories and know in our hearts that the story needed to be told.