Hopes rise that Formula 1 can now be stopped

SEBASTIAN Vettel’s 2011 F1 title means we can cancel the rest of the races, forever, it has been claimed.

Get daily Mash headlines:

Experts say television can never truly convey how boring it is

Vettel was yesterday crowned champion at pointing a very specific type of car in a strictly prescribed way over an entirely arbitrary time period in a manner that does not inspire interest.

By doing so, he became the youngest person to complete the set of constantly-changing, engineering-dependent tasks the best, twice in a row.

Last night up to three people found this remarkable.

Normal human, Roy Hobbs, said: “Do we need to go through all this again next year or could they not just repeat it every year and claim it’s new? Like they do with Top Gear.

“Every time I switch Dave on they’re saying some new car is the best and some person drives round a race track and is placed on a leaderboard so it’s the same as F1, but with the added bonus that you might strike it lucky and see Richard Hammond smear his frontal lobe across a disused airfleld.”

The season was set to end with a special tour of stomach-churning excess in some of the world’s most poverty-stricken and human-rights-abusiest regions of the world.

Bernie Ecclestone had planned to move the home stretches of the Korean and Indian races to run alongside a mile-long queue of beggars and have the drivers in the Abu Dhabi race pitted against a selection of the UAE’s leading indentured child camel jockeys.

The grand finale was to be a special circuit through Brazil’s favelas, with a street child strapped to each bonnet.

But Hobbs said: “If I’m absolutely honest, being symbolic of every single thing that’s wrong with modern society is not as bad as the whole thing being so terribly dull. It’s rugby league dull.