Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts (SNES) review

"You know, you might get the impression that I’m not a feminist’s best friend from the games I commonly review. Nothing could be further from the truth; after all, it’s obvious a man like me knows exactly what a lady wants. Still, with the common female flesh orgies I review, I think it’s about time I give a little bit back. Ladies, just for you, I’m going to review Super Ghouls and Ghost, which features the sexiest, shadiest, Britishiest man ever seen in a video game.
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You know, you might get the impression that I’m not a feminist’s best friend from the games I commonly review. Nothing could be further from the truth; after all, it’s obvious a man like me knows exactly what a lady wants. Still, with the common female flesh orgies I review, I think it’s about time I give a little bit back. Ladies, just for you, I’m going to review Super Ghouls and Ghost, which features the sexiest, shadiest, Britishiest man ever seen in a video game.

In Super Ghouls and Ghosts, you play the role of Arthur – King Arthur. You’ve been separated from your lovah, some princess tart. No word on whether or not this is Gwenivere; who cares anyway? He’s British, he can do whatever he wants! You must jump (and double jump) your way through eight fiendish stages, slashing enemies with a wide array of weaponry. And he must frolic in his underwear! Tighty whities with spots!

That’s right, he frolics and leaps around in his underoos! Super Ghouls and Ghosts is a fairly traditional platform game, except for the lucid, luscious, and hairy body of Arthur. I bet you want to know how *you* can undress him, eh ladies? Oh, the ribaldry! Don’t worry, there will be plenty of nakedness for you in this game!

Arthur ventures from left to right, throwing lances at goblins and leaping over gargoyles. Nothing remarkable here; everything handles quickly. The only “new” gameplay innovation is a double jump – after jumping once, you can jump again while still in the air. Don’t ask how Arthur does this; after all, it’s something that baffles even Michael Jordan. While this is not entirely new, it is the first occurrence of this phenomenal leaping feat on the Super Nintendo.

Weapons and armor play a big role in Super Ghouls and Ghosts. Both are strewn about, left in treasure chests randomly sprinkled around stages. This reminds me, what kind of loon just leaves stuff in randomly distributed in chests randomly put places randomly randomly randomly??? It boggles my mind! It happens in every role playing game ever made, and a good amount of these platform games. But why? Who is this medieval version of the tooth fairy?

Getting back on point, the weapons are a mixed bag. They range widely in effectiveness; some are slow and clunky and not that powerful (axe), others fast and effective (dagger), but most in-between (lance). It takes a few plays just to know the strengths and weaknesses of all. Since you don’t know what a chest holds until you open it, it can be a struggle to avoid “claiming” weapons you don’t want. It’s easy to accidentally pick up a weapon that is horribly worthless, since you have to frantically jump around constantly.

Ah yes, did I mention frantically jumping around? I believe I did. Super Ghouls and Ghosts is fiendishly hard. As my buddy Sully from South Boston says, “Hey this game is WICKAD haad! Let’s drink ah Mike’s instead and wach that Buffy chick!” Enemies appear out of thin air, emerge from enormous coffins, and generally just manage to get in the way. Most aren’t taxing, but when you also have to jump and double jump past landform obstacles while lobbing daggers at a floating red gargoyle boss character and being careful not to pick up that torch that you inadvertently opened from a chest but that you don’t want and you have muffins in the oven and the buzzer is going off and you know they’ll burn if you don’t get that and then that hot girl from work is ringing the doorbell because she’s over to study for Psych, well… It just gets a little crazy. Super Ghouls and Ghosts is the most grueling platformer I ever played.

Therefore, as I mentioned earlier, you get to see a *lot* of Arthur in his underwear. He starts out with silver armor, which takes one hit before shattering and leaving you in your birthday suit, and generally has no positive aspects besides being a one-time life saver. You can upgrade to bronze armor, which is green for unknown reasons, and gold armor. Besides actually being gold, it also upgrades your weaponry in a very impressive fashion. You can also acquire two different shields which stop enemy attacks. However, for the most part, you’re going to have to get used to Arthur’s glistening body, since you’ll spend a lot of time playing cautiously after taking one measly hit.

Super Ghouls and Ghosts is one of the rare games where the difficulty cuts into your actual enjoyment of said game. It just isn’t a whole lot of fun to replay certain sections over and over again, trying to memorize geographical and enemy layout. It takes nerves of steel and precise jumping to get through this game.

Hey, did you like the ending of stages in Super Mario Brothers? How about Super Mario Land? You know, where you’d save the princess, but it would really be her sister, or it wouldn’t be her and the “princess” would morph into something else? I know I sure didn’t! But Capcom felt the need to bring back this plot device; therefore, once you beat Super Ghouls and Ghosts you get to play through the game AGAIN! But this time, you have to beat the end boss with some fruity bracelet that you find in a chest on the way there! ISN’T THIS FABOO??? No, it really isn’t, and it ranks as a cheap trick to try to get gamers with no social life to play through a game twice. Which, apparently, many have done…

Super Ghouls and Ghosts is a good game for the ladies to play. Arthur is a thing of beauty, his underwear clad bottom splitting nicely as he leaps through the air, building up a heroic sweat as he lobs scimitars at enemies that would dare to oppose his love for some unnamed purple haired bimbo. The rest of the game is pretty enough, showing off the early generation power of the Super Nintendo. Characters and enemies are clean and crisp, although they are for the most part uncomplicated. There’s a glossy “sheen” over most everything which makes the game appear nicer than it really is.

A gothically upbeat (if such a term exists) soundtrack is present throughout most of the gameplay. It switches from stage to stage, and all in all, isn’t half bad. Of course, you’ll soon tire of the “death music.” This is a little tune that you hear every time you do. Simply wonderous; Capcom managed to make dying in a video game even more frustrating! Bravo!

The best part of Super Ghouls and Ghosts is the opening scene. A creepy Friday the 13th like montage is present, as you watch from the eyes of a monster that lurks in the shadows of Arthur’s castle. Suddenly, you break through the window, and snatch King A’s prime time booty! Arthur leaps out, desperate to save his newest lady. Sadly, from here, it all goes downhill due to the hellish difficulty level. I recommend you just constantly replay the somewhat easy first stage over and over again instead of subjecting yourself to the rigorous torture of actually trying to beat Super Ghouls and Ghosts.

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