Brokenhearted sis needs to find herself

Friday

Oct 5, 2012 at 12:01 AMOct 5, 2012 at 11:15 AM

Dear Carolyn: In February, my little sister was unexpectedly dumped by her boyfriend of three years, just three months before their wedding.

Dear Carolyn: In February, my little sister was unexpectedly dumped by her boyfriend of three years, just three months before their wedding. The breakup was done in a cold, cowardly fashion, and, even though she is over him, she is understandably having trust issues that are making it difficult for her to deal with men in a romantic way.

This has also led to behavioral changes (drinking, random encounters with men) that are out of the ordinary for her. Before this, she had been the golden child.

At what point do we (friends, family members and I) sit her down and gently tell her that it might be time to snap out of it? In other words, how long do we give her to figure things out before starting to worry that she has suffered long-term emotional damage?

— Broken Engagement

Dear Engagement: If the long-term emotional damage is severe, then use a prescription-strength “ Snap out of it.” (Face rub.)

You seem unaccustomed to having people wander off the sanctioned path in your family. You also seem to be testing the idea that your sister is overreacting to the breakup.

I think, though, that this was much more than a breakup for your sister and that you’re under-reacting to her crisis — one she’s having because this is all so new to friends and family.

“Golden” children tend to live by a do-what-I’m-supposed-to model of behavior, gradually forming an expectation that this will result in the life they’re supposed to have.

When instead these exemplary choices send them into a ditch, often the next place they find themselves is in the middle of an existential crisis. That’s especially true if her sense of self derived from her golden status. If she’s not golden after all, then what is she?

The absence of a strong sense of self — or at least the presence of one that’s contingent on outside approval or predictability — would certainly explain her sharp turn into self-destructive choices. It would mean that she isn’t thinking too highly of herself and is mystified about who she is, why she bothered making the choices she did and what on earth does work if being conscientious doesn’t.

Yes, she does need her family but not to tell her (this) or firmly advise (that) or set her upright and return her to her dollhouse.

She needs you to recognize that you all mistook her good behavior for emotional maturity — and that she has to find her way back to making good decisions for her own internal reasons instead of the old external ones. Loving her for who she is, versus what she accomplishes, is the best map you can give her.