As Little Maude’s “pageant coach” for the Little Miss Virginia Territory pageant, it is my responsibility to turn this grubby 7 year old child with no attention span into an angelic beauty capable of simultaneously slaying: 1. the undead with a baton and 2. the judges with a dimply smile.

As you all know, there are such things as inner beauty and outer beauty. In pageants, as in life, outer beauty matters a lot more. In the case of Maude, who is not blessed with traditionally gorgeous features, a lot of resources will need to be utilized in order to distract from her plain looks. I call my pageantry strategy the “shock and awwww” approach.

Pageant Wear – In this contest we have an evening wear, swimwear and zombie-killing talent portions. This calls for three very different outfits. The fancy wear is by far the most important event of the day, so I focused most of my time creating a light yellow cupcake dress with frills to spare. I didn’t have or nearly enough beading or sequins to attach to the dress, so I ended up smashing a mirror and attaching the tiny shards to her dress using paste. This gives the dress the bling-bling needed to blind the judges.

Flipper – No, I’m not talking about the dolphin. High glitz pageant girls wear false teeth (called “flippers’) in order to display a perfect, pageant smile. Since we did not have any dental offices nearby I could raid for dentures, I traded Mr. Wade several razors so that he would widdle a custom flipper out of a corn cob!

Spray Tan –I created my own mixture for Maude out of carrot juice and olive oil. I put in an old spray bottle to administer. She may smell like soup, but she looks positively sun-kissed.

Hair Piece – Big hair is an absolute must! Little Maude has thin, black hair that is shoulder length. Therefore, I was challenged to create a hair piece. After asking several of the other women in the colony for hair donations (they all selfishly declined) I set about finding a hair donor among the undead. It took some hunting but eventually I found a zombie with long, dark curly hair. It was a challenge, but I scalped the zombie and then put her out of her misery. After washing out the leftover brains, I was able to set a gorgeous hair piece that is sure to give Maude a slight edge over the competition.

Make-up –I can’t express how important make-up is to creating the illusion of “facial beauty.” The general rule is the more make-up, the better. The look you are going for is midget angel turned French prostitute. You’ll know it when you achieve it….in the meantime, keep applying more!

Extra Credit Ideas – Fake eyelashes and acrylic nails are always a great idea! For children with bushy eyebrows, wax or shave them off. Better to draw on an attractive brow with a sharpie or piece of coal later.

An added warning: expect tears! Tears are all a part of the beautification process. It is important not to be too soft with your little princesses while their hair is being teased and their faces are being painted. Plus, all the pain I’ve caused will be forgotten when Maude is crowned the Ultimate Grand Supreme of the Virginia Territory.

In my next portion of this series, I’ll discuss how to prepare routines that will win the hearts and minds of the judges.