Entertainment

SEATTLE—Noting the way the polar and lateral regions “light up” when occupied with breakfast-related cognitive processes, a study published Wednesday by the University of Washington revealed that the majority of activity within the human...

WASHINGTON—Fed up with what they say is an incessant stream of advertisements for everything from automobiles to financial planning services, a frustrated American populace demanded more commercials featuring slow-motion footage of maple syrup casca...

BURLINGTON, VT—Astounded by his brazen lack of concern for their well-being, the crowd at The Showbox rock club reportedly couldn’t believe the balls on the frontman of indie-rock group Corinthian Leather, who sources said waited until the third song of his Tuesday night set to ask them how they were doing.

CLEVELAND—Speaking to reporters following the successful eight-hour procedure Tuesday, neurosurgeons at the Cleveland Clinic confirmed they had removed a golf ball–sized tumor from the visual cortex of filmmaker Ken Burns, restoring the documentarian’s ability to see in full color.

LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television despite having never made a show about robotic wizards.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that it had selected the pieces because of their lack of any intellectual, historic, or aesthetic value, the Library of Congress reportedly completed destruction Friday of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant.

ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries.

WASHINGTON—Stating that the extremely traumatic nature of the event appeared to have left many respondents with unusually strong and vivid memories, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday revealing that most Americans can still recall exactly where they were when Gandalf the Grey fell into the abyss at the Mines of Moria.

LOS ANGELES—In a joint statement confirming that all production would cease immediately, representatives from every Hollywood film studio announced Friday that audiences would not be given any new movies to watch until they had learned to appreciate the ones they already have.

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying he was really starting to appreciate the group’s sound, local 37-year-old Ed Johnstone reportedly made an absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort this week to get into a new band.

LOS ANGELES—Telling reporters Monday he felt significant pressure to ensure the project lived up to the high expectations of people around the world, screenwriter Michael Wilder, who is currently adapting the board game Candy Land into a full-length feature film, is reportedly under the impression fans are counting on him to get this right.

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

SANDUSKY, OH—Immediately standing up from his seat and striding quickly past other visitors as soon as the snack was over, Cedar Point amusement park patron Paul Matazaro reportedly raced back to the end of the line for another funnel cake Thursday.

WASHINGTON—In recognition of the 1981 live album’s contribution to the metal pioneers’ legacy, the Library of Congress announced Tuesday that No Sleep ’Til Hammersmith had been added to the National Motörhead Registry.

CHANHASSEN, MN—Ending rampant speculation regarding the extent of the late musician’s catalogue of unreleased recordings, the executors of Prince’s estate announced Monday that the performer’s famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Billy Joel covers.

NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, Lemonade, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song Monday about how purchasing a subscription to the streaming music service Tidal is the most empowering action a woman can take, sources confirmed.

OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley sunglasses upside down on the back of his head, told reporters Monday that he is still recovering from the 2013 death of actor Paul Walker.

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed the events of the novels, citizens across the country expressed immense relief Sunday that all the insufferable little Game Of Thrones fans would no longer be able to lord the books over everyone else just trying to enjoy the show.

FREMONT, CA—In an effort to refresh his memory ahead of the upcoming season of the popular fantasy series, local Game Of Thrones fan Bryan Parker reportedly rewatched past episodes of the show this week to remind himself of what all the characters’ breasts look like.

COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass.

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood.

LOS ANGELES—Promising that it would be best to just buy a ticket and take care of the unpleasantness right away, a new Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice promotional campaign launched this week reportedly urged filmgoers to simply get this whole thing over with.

WASHINGTON—Shortly after arriving in the Oval Office early Thursday morning, President Obama reportedly met with key advisors to receive his daily classified briefing on the likelihood of a reboot of the 1983 science-fiction film Krull.

LOS ANGELES—Undergoing a rapid physical transformation the instant his hand grasped the Academy Award for best actor, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly morphed back into a hairy, heavyset Iowan Sunday after finally winning an Oscar.

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

LOS ANGELES—Asked for his thoughts on his Academy Award nomination for Best Actor, Leonardo DiCaprio told reporters Thursday that he really hopes he screamed and cried good enough in The Revenant to win the Oscar.

LOS ANGELES—While acknowledging concerns that men vastly outnumber women in key creative positions in Hollywood, a coalition of female writers, producers, and directors told reporters Wednesday they have “absolutely no problem at all” being underrepresented behind the scenes of NBC’s The Blacklist.

CHICAGO—Stressing that the movie “definitely had some cool moments,” local man Jeff Feitel, who saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens six times over the holidays, told reporters Monday that he thought it was pretty good.

BOSTON—Going back and forth between the two options as he approached the movie theater ticket counter, a man dressed in a full Chewbacca costume told reporters Thursday that he was torn between seeing Star Wars: The Force Awakens and the new financial film The Big Short.

CHICAGO—In an effort to avoid making a judgment before he even enters the theater, local fan Mike Siedler confirmed Wednesday that he was going into tomorrow’s premiere with an open mind about whether ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ is the best or worst movie ever made.

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

LOS ANGELES—Concerned moviegoing citizens across the nation issued an urgent appeal to Hollywood studios this week to make more films in which a guy is shot multiple times in the chest and then, later on, is revealed to have been wearing a bulletproof vest the whole time.

‘Good—It Is Done,’ Say Americans

WASHINGTON—Viewing the latest entertainment coverage of the 23-year-old singer and actor with great satisfaction, pleased citizens across the U.S. announced Thursday that Selena Gomez had completed her transition into a sexualized plaything just as they had expected.

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide moviegoers with the information they need to determine which films are appropriate for them to see, the Motion Picture Association of America announced Tuesday the addition of a new rating to alert audiences of movies that are not based on existing works.

Entertainment

Nation's Rappers Down To Last Two Samples

LOS ANGELES—In an announcement that has caused grave concern within the nation's hip-hop community, the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers (ASCAP) revealed Monday that only two songs remain for rappers to sample, Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" and Styx's "Mr. Roboto."

Rapper Sean "Puffy" Combs, a.k.a. Puff Daddy, has vowed
to bid "whatever it takes" to obtain the rights to the two remaining
unsampled pop songs.

"Such albums as Puff Daddy's No Way Out and Mase's Harlem World have taken a heavy toll on our nation's precious sample reserves, ASCAP president Richard Goffin said. "Our nation's rap artists must now face the consequences of their failure to conserve this all-too-finite resource."

With such artists as Puff Daddy, Jay-Z, Foxy Brown, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and Method Man all slated to begin work on new albums in the next six months, bidding for the sample rights to "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" and "Mr. Roboto" is expected to be fierce. Puff Daddy, a.k.a. Sean "Puffy" Combs, has already stated that he is willing to pay up to $20 million for the rights to the ukulele line in "Tiptoe" alone.

"Yo, I got to get that 'Tiptoe' track," Combs said in an interview in The Source magazine. "I ain't got an album without it."

Styx spokespersons said the band will attempt to maximize profits from "Mr. Roboto" by selling off the hit song from 1983's Kilroy Was Here piecemeal. "Our asking price for the song's 'Domo Arigato' spoken-word intro with synthesizer backing is $25 million," Styx bassist Chuck Panozzo said. "As far as the lyric, 'My blood is boiling, my heart is human, my brain IBM,' goes, I can't imagine we would be asking any less than $55 million for that."

While Monday's ASCAP announcement stunned rappers across the U.S., signs of the impending crisis were present years ago. In 1989, James Brown became the first sample source to be exhausted, when the Jungle Brothers used a snippet of Brown sneezing during an outtake for "The Big Payback" on its album Done By The Forces Of Nature. By 1992, the music of numerous other high-profile artists was exhausted, including George Clinton, Rick James, Kool & The Gang, Prince and Queen. By 1995, nearly 80 percent of ASCAP-registered artists were tapped out as sample sources, including Roxette, Peaches & Herb, Bruce Hornsby, White Lion and Jon Secada.

Last Friday, the number of unsampled songs fell to two when rapper Master P paid $12 million for the rights to "Is It Love," the B-side to the 1986 Mr. Mister hit "Broken Wings."

"This is an extremely serious situation," said Def Jam president Russell Simmons, whose label—which has featured such artists as Public Enemy, Beastie Boys, EPMD, and LL Cool J—was responsible for much of the sample depletion of the mid- to late '80s. "Rappers may have to wait upwards of 10 years between albums, until there's enough new pop songs to sample. Other than that, the only solution is for rappers to come up with the music themselves. Let's just hope it never comes to that."