Friday, August 29, 2014

Cruising Incident / Dating Realization

I cruise a lot, but not for sex.

I use eye contact to try to communicate with other men who are attracted to men. For example, when a good-looking guy walks past me, I try to catch his gaze for a fraction of a second. If I do, and if he's attracted to men, I'll see that in his eyes. If he's not attracted to men, or not attracted to me, or just generally clueless, his eyes won't communicate anything.

I got into the habit of doing this many years ago when I was in the closet. It was a fun way to feel less isolated. Whenever I made meaningful eye contact with another guy, even if we never spoke, I felt a kinship. Although I have plenty of bi and gay friends now, I still enjoy the hide-and-seek dynamics of what I call The Gaydar Game.

99.6% of the time, when I ping someone, there's no connection. On those rare occasions when a connection is made, the ping is almost always a weak one. A weak ping is essentially a gay hello. We acknowledge each other but there's no lust or intensity involved. Instead, our eyes confirm that we're attracted to men and we move along without further interaction.

On extremely rare occasions, I get a strong ping. That's when a guy's eyes enthusiastically say, "Yo, I like what I see!"

Strong pings are wild! They make my heart beat violently, cause sweat to shoot out of every pore in my body and overload my brain as I frantically try to decide what to do next.

It's been a long time since I've had a strong, memorable ping. I forget most of them because nothing ever happens. The intense stare might be there but we can't communicate because one of us is with someone else, or, we're in cars going in opposite directions.

Recently, I got a strong ping and found myself totally befuddled. The guy was alone and available and so was I. This meant, for the first time since I've been single, I had the opportunity to spontaneously meet someone new who seemed to have an interest in me...

Here's what happened:

I was in suburban shopping mall, in a city with a microscopic gay population. It was a weekday morning and I was there killing time before a meeting. After hitting up all the better stores, I still had time to fill so I went to Macy's.

I'd only been in the Men's section for a minute when I saw an attractive guy in his mid-30s walk out of the fitting room area. I pinged him and he was oblivious. Not gay.

A few seconds later, another guy, this one in his mid-40s, came out of the same set of fitting rooms. As he walked past me, I saw him turn his head and stare at the first man. I didn't have to ping him. From the way he watched the first guy I knew he was gay.

This guy, the second guy, was decent looking. Blond and somewhat tall. He wasn't exactly my type but he was well within the range of guys I'd consider dating. After he checked out the first guy, he walked to the cash register to pay for one article of clothing. Because he had his back to me as he walked, he didn't see me until he turned toward the female cashier. Once he did, we were facing each other, about 40 feet apart. Just for the heck of it, I shot him a quick-but-telling glance.

He noticed me but didn't respond in a particularly strong way. For that reason, I expected him to pay for his purchase, turn his back to me, and walk away. Only he didn't do that. Instead, he took his purchase and walked in my general direction. Then he started "browsing" through a nearby rack of clothes. Who does that? Who buys something and THEN immediately goes back to browsing? Clearly he decided to cruise me.

As soon as I realized that, my heart jumped into my throat and a thin film of sweat covered my body. Basically, he called my bluff and now I had to decide what to do next.

What to do next??

PANIC.

The good news is that I didn't turn tail and run. Instead I stalled for time. I needed to think. What did I want to happen? What should I say to him? Was he looking for a hook-up or would he be willing to talk over coffee?

I couldn't make up my mind what to do; I wanted something to happen, at least for the sake of following through on a strong ping, but I wasn't exactly sure what. A coffee date would be my normal goal, but in this situation, asking for that felt awkward. "Hi! Want to have coffee??" Weird.

To keep encouraging the guy, I gave him a series of quick looks, then slightly turned away each time. I was trying to use body language to say, "I'm a total chicken. Please approach me and make the first move."

He did approach, but not as boldly as I would have liked. Instead of walking straight up to me, he slowly browsed in my direction. As he inched closer and closer, I got more and more nervous. What should I say to him? What did I want to happen?

The answers wouldn't come. I was paralyzed with anxiety. All I could do was flip through rack after rack of clothes, pretending to look at them.

My blond friend was surprisingly patient. He followed me for at least five minutes, which is a very long time for this sort of cruising. In the past, I've had guys follow me for a minute or two but then they give up when they realize I'm all eyes and no action.

Many thoughts raced through my mind in that five minutes, including some that were very surprising. I actually became so engrossed in a new realization that I lost track of where the guy was standing. When I looked up, I didn't see him. Then, as I turned around, I nearly gasped aloud when I realized he was standing right behind me. Unnerved, I put my head down and walked about twenty feet away. When I looked up again, he was gone...never to be seen again.

Both angry at myself and relieved to be off the hook, I walked back to my car to contemplate what had just happened.

Mostly, I think my behavior was ridiculous and immature. If I was in a gay bar and got the same strong ping from the same guy, I wouldn't have been nearly so flummoxed. To be panicked because we were in a suburban department store was stupid. Why didn't I make some kind of small talk with him? What's so hard about that???

In truth, I never thought of making small talk, which would have been the logical thing to do. Instead I obsessed about asking if he was free for coffee.

Overall, my lack of game while under pressure was very disappointing.

But what about the realization?

It began with the question of what I wanted to happen. As I thought about that, I considered the
best-case scenario:

I didn't want to hook-up, I wanted a first date. If
I got one, then what?

We'd start dating.

Then what?

We'd get
serious.

Then what?

I'd have to tell my kids, parents, friends and
family.

Then what?

I'd irrevocably change everything in my life, all for the sake of one new person.

And what would happen
if, after all that, the relationship fell apart?

I might regret having ever met him.

What's the realization? That maybe I shouldn't be meeting strangers in department stores, and more generally, that maybe I shouldn't be meeting anyone, ever, because it's extremely unlikely that everything will work out perfectly. Either my hopes will crash and burn, OR, they'll be realized - and my life will irrevocably change in frightening ways.

As you can see, it appears that the only kind of relationship I'm willing to risk is one
that is certain to succeed. If I can imagine any chance of failure,
then the risk for pain and regret is too high. I'd much rather be safe
than sorry.

No wonder I'm so unmotivated to date.

I understand that this attitude is unhealthy. I just don't know how to
get over my fear of relationship failure. I did everything I could to
make things work with both Gabbie and Dean, and in both cases they
dumped me anyway. Is it any wonder that I'm reluctant to put myself out
there?

I don't want to be this way. I need some
positive dating and relationship experiences to get out of this funk. I
need to be willing to take more chances. I just wish I wasn't so plagued by fear.

4 comments:

Wow Cameron, Your self analysis is great! Now what? Here is the trite but tested answer: Nothing in life is sure and nothing good is easy. Do what you do in business: set goals and milestones. Baby steps maybe.

Making contact with another guy can be viewed as weird. I used to think that making eye contact was no big deal. That the other guy didn't even notice. But they do. If they are not gay it can be considered weird. It's like you're outing yourself. I need to do a post on this.

Maybe if you had moved closer to this guy, like you were going to bump into him, you could have looked up and said excuse me or hi, and smiled. Sounds like you were paralyzed on what to do. Next time you'll have a plan!

TwoLives--in this area of the heart, you and I are opposite ends of the extreme. I find it hard not to say the next thing, take the next step and just keep pressing in. Here is what I have to say, run into the roar. Run into the failure headlong and with gusto. There is dignity in failure with integrity.

Seriously, the way you put yourself out there practically ensures failure. You hedge your bets so much that whatever you are offering another person is only a fraction of what you could give of yourself if you dove right in. And who wants to relate with and take emotional risk for another person who is not fully present in the relationship.

The Gabby wounds are still open and oozing, and its time you do something positive about it. Time to see a shrink, open up and let out everything you've been holding in for eons. If you want to ever think about finding a hubby then you need to deal with your bloody past.

The kids will be ok! Telling them the honest truth will be such a relief that you wont believe how heavy that millstone was until you put it down. Yes, the kiddos might be surprised, but I think from how you talk about them, they will be ok with you.

Parents? Well, how do you think they honestly will deal with it? If you dont think very well, then I'd give telling them a pass unless they see the kids all the time. Same goes with the rest of the family, if you dont regularly see them, then let them sit a bit longer.

Friends? Be picky and choose well as to whom to tell and who not to. There is no law that says you have to tell the entire world all at once!

Maybe the best way to ease into coming out is to pick a friend who you truly believe would be ok with you being gay, and start with them. Go slow, pick carefully both the person and the timing. I think you've hit the stifle point where not telling anyone who you actually truly are has ham strung you. Thats one of the main reasons I like living where I do, they dont know my kids and I can pick and choose who to tell and just be me. I dont feel as constrained as when it was such a secret that I was holding in all the time.

What is this blog about?

The earliest posts are my sexual biography. I tell the story of how I went from a 13yo gay kid to a happily married 44yo man with three kids. It was a strange, eventful journey.

Most posts from late 2010 - mid 2011 detail my struggle to keep my marriage together, in spite of my sexuality, and in spite of my wife Gabbie's on-going affair with a degenerate named Charlie.

More recent posts are about my reluctant transition from a suburban dad to a newly-out middle-aged gay man. It's been a difficult balancing act; I have a lot to learn.

Interspersed between the posts about my personal journey are my attempts to understand and explain bisexuality as it pertains to closeted men and their straight wives.

I have opinions but I like them to be challenged. I also enjoy helping others who are dissatisfied with their mixed orientation marriage. Please feel free to email me directly at random4780@hotmail.com with any feedback.