The Internet is making you fat, stupid, and poor. Here's what to do about it

The Internet is an awful thing. It’s always making us bad things, like dumber, or lazier, or fatter, or poorer. Why can’t it just stick to making us nice things, like breakfast, or horny?

But no, the Internet never listens, even though the media is vigilant in pointing out what it does wrong. Below is a list of the ways the Internet is changing our lives, as diligently documented by the wise reportorial merchants of the press. What the media doesn’t tell you, however, is how to counter the evil Internet’s harmful ways.

So, let me present to you a point-by-point guide to the ways the Internet is trying to hurt us, and how to break free from its clammy grasp.

Antidote: Every morning before breakfast, make a point of reading the editorial pages of the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times in succession, to ensure optimum bipartisan balance. You know, just like you always did before the Internet came along and made you a jerk.

Antidote: Turn off push notifications for Facebook, LinkedIn, Skype, Yammer, Gchat, Gmail, iMessage, Foursquare, and Instagram, and stop checking Twitter every 24 seconds. You will still, I assure you, find out within a minute when Margaret Thatcher has died.