Thursday, November 7, 2013

This morning, I came across an
article titled “This Young Mother Has Something Serious To Say. You Might Not Like It, But You’ll Probably
Love it” (at http://www.viralnova.com/this-young-mother-is-sick-of-how-kids-are-being-raised-heres-her-controversial-blog-post/,
about and including the original blog post by Stephanie). I didn’t love it. I may not be exactly the “modern parent” that
Stephanie is referencing, but I can identify the trends she complains about, many
of which I agree with and therefore follow, and must respectfully disagree. That said, I think this argument will
ultimately boil down, as many do, to the need for moderation.

First, it is a blatant oversimplification to equate every kid’s
childhood experience with his/her future expectations as an adult. By immediately responding to my child’s cries
for help or attention, she will not grow up to expect her professors or
employers to do the same for her, any more than giving her a treat after a
stressful doctor visit will condition her to expect a raise after completing a
difficult work assignment. She will not be
blind to the realities of the world simply because I chose to buy her another ice
cream cone when her first one dropped instead of teaching a 2 year old some deep
life lesson about loss and materialism.

By validating her emotions and tending to her needs – even when
silly, repetitive, or expressed in the form of a tantrum (and by “tending” I
don’t mean “giving in to”) – I seek to foster her confidence and to instill in her,
from a young age, the understanding that her desires are not meaningless, her opinions are valued, and her needs are important. At least to her parents. And while she will learn to rely on her parents, she will not expect waiters to give in to her every whim. Or teachers, or bosses. If I let her reach her tiny
(usually sticky) palms into my food and retrieve whatever she wants, she will not
think this is acceptable with other people.
But if she tries to do this with others, she will be rejected, and it
will be ok. She has no expectation of blind, loving, unconditional acquiescence from strangers,
and will therefore take such rejection in stride. For this same reason (and lesson), I also won’t
reprimand her for trying. She will learn
it on her own. Two years old is the time
for lessons as these, not for Ms. Manners lectures (although, that adult’s reaction
will naturally help develop her awareness of social norms).

Is it possible that she will become too dependent on her parents? Maybe, and we would address it when
she’s old and confident enough to understand that she must learn to stand
on her own two feet. She will
internalize that lesson logically, reasonably – no longer emotionally. It will be about independence, not abandonment, and I will be assured that we have encouraged her,
supported her, and raised her into a strong woman who knows what she wants,
knows how to pursue it and, if things don’t go her way, knows how to move on.

I believe there is a proper age for teaching about feelings
and emotions, for instilling confidence and a sense of self-importance. Safety concerns come to mind most easily, and
I want my daughter to be able to speak (or blabber) her mind (or gut
reactions) if she doesn't like something, even if she has to tell an adult “no,”
and even if she has to yell it. At this
toddler stage, I want her to know that it’s not rude or inappropriate. She can interrupt me; she has the right to be both seen and heard. After this is firmly established, lessons about politeness, patience, and self-sufficiency will be more timely and more easily absorbed.

Maybe latchkey kids grew up independent and self-reliant - they had no choice but to be. I’m striving
to raise my daughter in a way that is driven by concerns other than bare
necessity, and I am lucky to have that luxury. We are no longer in the 40’s and 50’s. Bullying, like the author noted, is no longer
defined by taking someone’s lunch money.
It involves a horridly public assault on a young child’s privacy,
vulnerabilities, and flaws. And yes, it is
horrid for a teenager, even though as late-20-something "grown ups," we know that it's just not that bad. When a boy's lunch
money was taken away a generation ago, after being pinned against a locker and given a wedgie (chalk that up to Saved by the Bell reruns), that embarrassing moment could not be known to teenagers across the country, who could then chime in with their own
hurtful comments. No. A few kids in the hallway laughed about it,
and of course it was easier for the victim to rebound from this experience. So, without a protracted discussion about the
obvious difficulties of a Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/etc. centered youth, perhaps
“coddling” is necessary, even if you’d like to term it a necessary evil. “Modern” parenting gives children an
unshakable foundation, stronger than parents had to (or could) establish in
the past, before sending them out to “modern” middle/high school life.

Finally, I do not understand the recurring negative portrayal
of parents who make their children their “whole world.” Perhaps this modern parent has outgrown her party
days, all her friends also have kids, she is active in her community, and she finds
time for herself (her interests, her husband, her Hulu queue) when her toddler
is sleeping or with her parents, or while she is at work. And lately, I’m at work a lot. The rest of my time goes to my daughter,
and she knows she’s my world. It’s
fine. She doesn’t think she’s the center
of The World, or the center of the gas station attendant’s world, or of her
friend’s mommy’s world.

So before suggesting that “modern parents” are raising
pansies and primadonnas, maybe we should give proper heed to the nuances of
this conversation. And let’s circle back
in 20 years.