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I Don’t Know What I Am Doing

Dear Reader,

I’m getting increasingly worried about my doctor’s appointment on Thursday. It’s stupid that I have spent the past week getting increasingly more worried about this, but I’m also scared. See, to quote my favourite book right now I’m feeling “both happy and sad, and I am still trying to figure out how that can be.”

It seems I have come to terms with the existence I have resigned myself to, For the last few days I have gone to work, come home, occasionally I have eaten, more often than not I have sat at my laptop and thought about inspiration and where it comes from. I have commandeered what should be a dining room table but we only use on Christmas day as my new desk. It’s improved my posture, but hasn’t improved my pain. It’s giving me more focus, but not particularly giving me inspiration. When I’m done writing, I go to bed and lay awake until I drift off, which often takes hours. When I wake up I lay in bed until I either have to get up to get dressed for work, or my parents have left for work at which point I shower and then go sit at the table again to think about writing.

Writing has become a thing of refuge for me. For a while it was the only thing I could concentrate on. See I used to watch a lot of films, but my ability to concentrate has got so bad this year that I haven’t really watched a film for a few months properly. And that is sad. But last night I stayed up until 2:30AM to watch Magnolia, my favourite film, which happens to be 3 hours long.

Until I started writing this I was questioning myself, I know I need more support than I have for a long time, an increase in medication and my sleeping pills back, I also need to talk about my back pain and my panic attacks. But the problem is, and this may not sound like a problem, is that I have transcended my previous level of depression to something that surpasses numbness. I have no real emotions towards anything, I think I feel both happy and sad because in fact I actually feel neither. I feel nothing. And it has taken me writing this down to understand that.

I’ve written lists for my doctor, I‘ve wrote essays, I’ve wrote prompt lists for myself, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I don’t know what is for the best. And I’m worried my doctor will see my aloofness as progress, when in fact it is the opposite of progress.

Doctors keep trying to get me to go to therapy, and I’m just not ready or ok with that right now. I find it hard to talk to people I know well, never mind a stranger. If I don’t feel comfortable I won’t talk about anything. I’ll make jokes so they think I am ok.

I fell asleep after 4AM last night, because for two hours after my film ended, I was lying awake worrying about my appointment. So worried in fact that I have written yet another list of the same things I have written in every list prior. I have been rehearsing the conversation in my head. But what is the point? I can’t predict another persons actions or answers. I keep saying I need to have a serious talk with my doctor, but doctors steer you in the direction they wish to talk, that way they can get you out of their office quickly and get the next patient in. I wish it didn’t work that way. I don’t want things to get worse. I don’t want things to get that bad that I lose the rights to make a decision about whether or not I need to things.

What am I doing? I am convincing myself i‘m happy because I feel like I have found a purpose in writing. But am I just settling? I have a degree in film that I have no intention of using, I have 3 years of teaching experience that I am not using.

I honestly thought I was starting to be happier. But alas, it seems as usual, I have just simulated happiness by pacifying myself in to believe I am content with my current lifestyle.

It’s not that I don’t want to write, I want to write, I have for a long time. But, between the writing and working should I be actually doing something? Going out? Going away? Making something? Learning something?

One of the most important teachers in my education once told me “it’s ok to do nothing, it’s ok to not know what you want to do tomorrow” I know he is right. But when have I gone for too many days not doing anything? When have I got to know what I want to do tomorrow? My darn autistic brain just can’t see something things when they are not black and white.

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13 thoughts on “I Don’t Know What I Am Doing”

I think this is an amazing post. Good luck with your appointment if you go. It took me 10 years to even consider a therapist and then I hated everyone I went to. I ended up going back to one I saw years ago. But this isn’t about me… doesn’t need to be about anything. Just thanking you for writing. I think you are great. 🙂 Hope things work out.

I KNOW IT!!!! It’s crazy, isn’t it! You can do this, tho. The cool thing is that you are in control of it. You don’t like the person then you don’t have to go back. I do know that it’s hard to even physically GET there sometimes tho…. if tha’ts the problem, I will do my best to think good thoughts to get ya there :).

I ‘like’ so many of your heartbreaking posts, because I just love your writing. I don’t know what advice or response I can offer to the complex and difficult issues you describe, but I definitely think therapy might help. You should take your time with making this decision, but I really hope you do decide to go for it. All my love.

Writing is a type of therapy and it’s great u have this medium to let it all out. Feeling nothing is the worse. I’ve been there and it’s horrible. I have a feeling I’m heading back there and I’m trying everything I was taught in my therapy to not go back there. All I know is I’ve got happier before and as hard as it is I have to do it again. I hope ur doctors appointment goes well, sometimes being overprepared is the worst thing as its an anti climax. Ur in my thoughts. Just take each minute as it comes.

This is non-conventional but fuck therapy! Physical therapy is great (IMO) but for my mental health writing helped me way more than sitting in a therapist’s office for hours ever did. I think it helped that I had a very clearly defined goal for my writing, but you can do that.

Exercise helps a lot too. I started with swimming and Pilates while seeing a physical therapist who developed small manageable daily goals. It gives you a strong sense of accomplishment to check these off each day.

Good luck to you. You’re in a very hard place. Be kind to yourself and your body. And keep writing.

Does anybody really truly know what they are doing. For me I have been in the same place and felt the exact same feelings. I have be on the point of not even feeling like I was living my life, that someone else was living it for me. I have felt the pain of not being able to function on the so called “NORMAL” level. For me I have found that being a student is a big job, being a president of NAMI on my college campus chapter is a bigger one, and even being a daughter, niece, sister, aunt, granddaughter is a bigger one. But through all my hard times of struggle with just having Bipolar. I found that one thing has rang true to me more than anything. When having a mental health diagnosis is being able to self advocate, which means standing up for your needs and what you want for your recovery. Let the doctors,therapist, counselors and who ever else know that you are who you are and that is never going to change and your VOICE needs to be heard. Someone once told me that ONE VOICE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I have always believed that. I also always say if you don’t have stress in life then your not living, because life is full off stressful situations. Believe in yourself and YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE.

This is such a good description of what depression can be like. I’m at a similar “level” and I’m tired of it. The whole therapy issue is a tough one. I have never had a good therapist. They always seem to put their own issues out there and it gets all mixed up. Well, many many years ago I had one who was able to reach me. But she was working for a charity and got transferred in the middle of our relationship–right at the very moment I needed her most. I’ve always thought that was fate rearing its ugly head at me.

Writing is quite helpful especially if you go back and read over your blogs and then can possibly see the bigger picture emerging or just bits of progress. I read over my old stuff all the time and sometimes that is just as helpful as having written to begin with.

Your post resonated with me on several levels. Pain, depression, isolation, and fear are constant themes in my own life.

And I recognize the frustration of backsliding into depression time and time again when challenges become too great to navigate on my own.

In February of this year I had cervical spinal surgery, repairing 2 protrusions that had flattened my spinal cord and fusion of my c3-c7. My advice on this issue is to take your time on deciding the best path of treatment for you and not make choices out of fear, pain, or others expectations of how you should manage your life.

My own experience in seeking treatment and pain relief has been frustrating as the doctors just throw more pills at the problem. I have found gentle yoga to be the best thing for me and encourage others to try.

I am working on my own story of living with depression and have not found the courage yet to post one single word (till now) on this media platform.

So, I thank you for your courage and inspiration and wish you all the best.