Life Through The Lens Of A Silly, Stubborn Heart.

love

I don’t often eat toast because my body burns through it like crazy BUT I sure do appreciate the eff out of it when I do.

Why? Well, there is nothing like hot buttered toast. The hot bread, in all it’s toasty goodness. The salted butter soaking in on every square inch of each slice. The crispy, creamy, crunchy textures cooperating together in each bite.

I have a job interview today for a position in my field at a place of higher learning.

When I applied for the job I was most interested. The work is something I care deeply about, the hours are part time, reasonable and convenient. The wage is decent and the job is honourable.

Then I was called for an interview.

CUE THE FREAKING OUT!

Ha Ha Ha!

“I’m not educated enough. I’ve never worked with adults. Maybe I don’t want to travel ALL that way to work. I’m not even really an adult myself. I’m too quirky. I’m not professional enough. I only want the job because of ego. “

“THEY’LL SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!”

Such is my anxious mind 🙂

I sat with the feelings as my mind did it’s thing. I let the thoughts come and go, I let the feelings sit like a rock in my throat and pound out of my chest. I decided I would not address anything until it all settled and I was calm.

Once that happened – it took ALL NIGHT LONG- I realized that I would regret not trying for the position, a position that in my non anxious state I was REALLY interested in, and called the person back to arrange for an interview and it all went well and fine. I didn’t embarrass myself. I sounded like a normal, capable human being. There was nothing to see through because I was my self.

But oh Good Goddess, what a process to get to that point.

All this, for a job interview! 🙂

Such is life with an over active nervous system!

I’m sharing this with you because I want to show the people who need to see this, how an anxious brain works AND how you can overcome that anxiety and be OK.

The thoughts came through me rapidly, one after the other after the other. I stopped to listen to them at first but then quickly realized a. they were just thoughts and they were neither true nor false b. there were too many of them to adequately address them all so it was better to let them float on by until they stopped.

And they did. And I was able to get clear and make a decision based in truth and wisdom.

All this, thanks to meditation. Meditating daily, gives me the pause in life to see through the anxious thoughts and feelings and allows my own wisdom and guidance to kick in. Without that pause, without that little gap in between the panic, my inner compass would not have had its say and I would have probably ignored the call and been angry with myself till the end of time, wondering about what could have been.

That would have been most unkind of me. I owe it to myself to try.

So, there is hope my friends! There is hope.

Sitting there after my conversation with the interviewer, I was struck by how calm I was. I wasn’t anxious or afraid at all, and yet the story I was telling myself was that I was scared. But upon examination, I was excited and curious. Once again, the anxiety lied like it always does.

That is lesson number two. Anxiety- and depression- lie.

As for me, I’ll probably have another freak out before the interview. And I’ll be fine, as I always am.

I’m just very grateful to be even chosen to interview for this position. It is a big deal! And an honour to be considered. No matter what happens, I feel like I’ve won already 🙂

What has your experience with anxiety been like? Can you share something that has helped you? What advice would you give to a nervous interviewee?

I’m not a huge Boston Pizza fan. I find the food to be … pretty basic. There is nothing wrong with it, it’s just me. Having said that, I do have a favourite go to whenever the Hubs wants to eat there – Jambalaya Fettucine- and whenever I order it, it is consistently good. That is HUGE for me. So right away the place gets props for that.

This pizza brings my list from one to two. It was amazing! Lots of ingredients, spread evenly over the crust. The overall taste was salty-in a good way-briny, creamy, spicy, and savoury. Not one ingredient overpowered the other. Each one was distinct and everything worked so well together. I even liked the pesto drizzle. I HATE pesto but it was a STAR on this pie. I would order this again. Hell, I’m craving more now!

We didnt eat the whole pie-I wanted to!- because we were saving room for dessert! One dollar from each sale of their Triple Chocolate Mousse Cake goes to a local children’s charity, too. From their site:

This makes me laugh because a. my Hubs pointed it out to me, which means he’s gathering insight which is unusual for him. b. this is a direct view inside each of our brains-him neat and organized, me- messy and all over the place c. despite this huge difference and despite some pretty major troubles in our 20 odd year marriage, we’re still here together, living and working and growing through it all ❤

I like Valentine’s Day as much as the next cynical person. I will bitch and moan about how it’s a made up BS “holiday” all the while happily going out for heart shaped pizza with my love.

One thing I am rather rabid about though, is self love.

I like to use this day to check in on myself and my progress, in what is my most important relationship. Me + Me.

The relationship I have with myself is evolving and improving every day. I didn’t always have the best love for me and some days I’m better at it than others but I’ve learned to never give up on myself. I hope this reminder post to myself and the memes and quotes I’m going to spam you with, encourages the same, in you.

I first came to love a simple roast beef sandwich, 26 years ago whilst standing in the kitchen with future mother in law.

I’d had them before, but usually always with deli meat, never an actual piece of roasted meat. This just screamed comfort to me. Hominess. I was a girl who craved such things even as a young 19 year old.

I can remember Mum apologizing for serving me leftovers – I think I was over for lunch that day-and I thought she was so cute. Leftovers! Like having REAL left over roast beef in sandwiches was a bad thing. I don’t think there was ever a day in my own family where we’d ever had such a thing. Her left overs were my luxury!

We ate happily together and that sandwich has stayed with me ever since. It was so simple yet so good. Quality ingredients put together well.

In the years since, I’ve fine tuned my version of the sandwiches we ate that day. My meat is barely cooked – hers was WELL, well done- I add salt and pepper and slather on way more butter than Mum ever would. Sometimes, my meat is spiced, sometimes its plain. But its always basically the same- meat, white bread, and butter. Yum!

Every year I choose a word or a phrase to use as a short of guidepost and inspiration for the upcoming 365 days.

In the past my focus has been on love and truth. One year I did fun and last year I chose a phrase – I don’t know- to help me with uncertainty.

This year I choose trust. And as soon as I choose the word, an opportunity to practice it was presented to me.

Two, actually. I just LOVE that!

I was in the mall, one frequented by the elderly.( You know the type ) When a slightly unkempt man started to make a fuss. Talking to himself in distress ” This is JUST great!” he says, throwing his hands up in the air. I kept walking, ignoring him because the dude seems a little unhinged. Something was off.

Well of course dude approaches me. They always do. I’m a magnet for weirdos. ” Excuse me?!” Fuck. I keep walking but raise an eyebrow at him and off he goes! Into a long spiel about how he’s called the police numerous times and is getting no help and he’s lost this and he’s lost that and he really needs help. Its a bullshit, cockeyed story. Dude is trying to scam me for money. I cut straight to the chase ” You want money?” Yeah, he nods at me. “Not gonna happen. The bus driver might let you on for free if you ask nicely though” and off I go. Trusting in my wisdom and not falling for his nonsense, I alerted security and they called the cops, so yay for that!

Now, I’m used to trusting my wisdom when it comes to situations like that. I have plenty of practice! ( The stories I could tell … ) What I’m not skilled at is trusting in the opposite direction. Trusting that other humans mean well.

Her bus comes and she reaches into her bag and pulls out another bag, filled with obviously homemade doughnuts. ” Take these. I made them this morning and tucked them in my bag to give to someone along the way” she says to me kindly. I graciously accept, touched by sweetness and pop them in my own bag. Off she goes. Her name was Olga.

Now OLD Lael, would have tossed that bag of treats straight in the garbage. How would she know if they were safe to eat or not, right? Yeah, Olga seemed lovely and kind but could I really be sure? Nope.

Here’s the thing though: We can NEVER really be sure. About anything. Or anyone. Nothing is in our control. Nothing is certain. Now was I going to toss the doughnuts OR use this neat encounter to practice my 2019 word?

Enter … New Lael.

Being the bad ass soul warrior that I am, I leapt at the chance to trust. Also, doughnuts!

They were delicious and perfectly safe. I didn’t die. I didn’t get food poisoning. I enjoyed a treat from a new friend and felt the shackles loosen a bit from around my heart.

So yes, I engaged in an act of trust with another human but more importantly, I engaged in an act of trust with MYSELF.

I trusted that I was a good judge of character in that moment. I trusted my instincts and I trusted my intellect. I trusted my HEART.

I aim to do more of that in 2019. I’m just so curious to see where else this word takes me.