New health and safety procedures drawn up

The Health and Safety department has released a new list of dos and don'ts for UK citizens to keep them safe (and presumably healthy) around the house and workplace we can exclusively reveal.

Speaking on behalf of the Government Department Mr Flange said "It's our duty to keep the public safe (and healthy) at all times. This list is a comprehensive guide as to how to do that. Obviously we don't want to patronise - that means talk down to by the way - the general public but we do want them to feel that we have their best interests at heart."

Below are some of the tips included in the guide which will be delivered to all UK households:

Section 2 - Around the Kitchen:

1. Do not drink bleach/washing up liquid/detergent or any other poisonous liquids.

2. Do not juggle sharp knives.

3. If you break a glass do not sweep up the shattered remains in your bare feet.

4. Do not put any plastic items on top of your hot oven hob. They will melt.

Section 3 - Around the stairs.

1. Do not leave a skateboard on the bottom step - this is particularly important if you live with a blind person.

2. Do not attempt to walk downstairs on your hands balancing a chain saw on your foot and/or feet unless in an absolute emergency.

Section 4 - Around the Garden.

1. When mowing the lawn be careful not to run over the power line or any person or persons sunbathing. Lawn mowers and people's faces do not make a good combination.

2. When using a hedgetrimmer it is important not to lean over on the stepladder so far that you are only balancing by your little toe.

When asked whether he felt that the Government department were not crediting the UK public with the brains they were born with Mr Flange commented "Look, times are tough and we need to keep our jobs. By producing this leaflet we are justifying our existence. Anyway do you know how many blind people were admitted to hospital last year in skate boarding related accidents. If this leaflet prevents just one of these then I will be a happy man. Alternatively if my lottery numbers drop in on Saturday I'll be on a Carribean Island being fanned by a scantily clad lady. You're not recording any of this are you?" Mr Flange abruptly stopped the interview and we were led from the building. Carefully.

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