BY HERBERT MTOWO
We have all experienced emotional pain. Often times someone we have loved has turned their backs on us. Maybe it was a betrayal. Perhaps it was an intentional act of malevolence or outright hatred. Yes, I think we’ve all been there a time or two. Unfortunately that is the nature of human dynamics. Finding joy in these situations is still possible. You simply have to realign your thinking.

When we are attacked, especially by someone we love, the feelings that strike us are negative and hurtful. I mean, how could he or she have done such a thing? Didn’t they know how much you loved them?

In this life there are no sure guarantees. Just because someone loves you today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow. An act of betrayal or hate is usually the sign that the other person has decided to move on to other life paths. Regardless of how much you loved them, there is nothing you can do to change their minds. Remember that, in the end, we are only responsible for our own actions and mental / emotional states. We are not judged by others but by ourselves. When we have learned to expect love or respect in return for what we feel or gave, we set ourselves up for ultimate failure.

Think about the person who has attacked you. Push aside the pain a moment and remember the reasons why you loved that person. Why did you feel that way? Was it so that they would return your affection or was it simply because you cared for them? Has anything really changed? Perhaps they no longer love you, but how do you feel for them?

True love isn’t a quid-pro-quo arrangement. True love says I love you unconditionally. It isn’t about getting something in return. It’s about giving of yourself. The fact that the person no longer wants what you have to give does not make your feelings insignificant. Why? The reason is that love is an intrinsic piece of who you are. You gave that love freely because you chose to. Now it is up to you to continue to feel that way. But will you?

If you decide to be hurt and pull back your love, you only hurt yourself as your love for another person is a reflection of yourself. If you give into anger and hatred then you become angry and hateful. Never do that. Instead continue to realize why you love that person and don’t let go of that emotion. It is OK to let go of the person, but not the love. Take your matured love and move on to another person. By doing so you will become a stronger person less susceptible to pain because you know that you love for love’s sake and not because someone returned a feeling. True love exists intrinsically, and love for a return like an investment was never love but an empty need. You have the choice to make your heart and mind whatever you want. Let love lead you through the pain and finding joy will be your reward. Love unconditionally and learn to let go and move on.

There is the tendency for people to feel uncomfortable in the “in between” times, while awaiting loves entry. Whether it’s the desire to date someone special or to secure a sexual partner… there is a sense of incompleteness that attends most of this process. That drive comes from the inner urge to find partnership in the hopes of new beginnings. There can be daunted expectations or frustrated attempts. In this time period, it’s important to continue to live life. And, to live life fully. We can’t make another person jump into our lives. We can’t magically produce the partner we want. In thinking that life is incomplete without this special “someone,” we put ourselves in a holding pot ,that keeps us from enjoying the life we do have, now.

This type of thinking is the surest way to repel anyone who may be interested. The most attractive quality a person can possess is confidence. Part of that confidence is not only in oneself, but a confidence in the flow of life. To allow life to be lived fully while in expectant anticipation of partnership, is the key to attracting the “other” we seek. We are not incomplete. We are not faulty or missing out on life. There’s nothing wrong with being single and enjoying the experience. Partnership is the merging of two souls. Yet there has been the social-construct that infers being “one,” isn’t enough. If we think we’re bright, attractive and interesting… why are we single? Why not? To be single doesn’t imply that we are less. It’s simply a definition of one who isn’t currently partnered. When we do finally meet that special person, we’ll be adding them to a life we already have. First, we need to have a life. Then, the partner is simply an addition to an already full life.

Being single isn’t a death sentence of uncomfortable waiting before someone comes to save us. It’s part of life, for all. At some time we will be single. To begin to look at this time period as having merit in and of itself, is the beginning to the cure to this social mis-construct. The point is to embrace-life, and embrace our life. There are perks that come with being single. We have the ability to focus solely upon ourselves. We have no one to report to, or with whom to negotiate our choices. Our time is our own. We have only our problems to attend to, and only our desires to fulfill. We have the rare opportunity to explore what we want, when we want and without constraint. It’s a rich and beautiful experience, if we allow it to be. The more we add to our lives in this period, the more we have to offer when partnership arrives

Mistress: A mysterious sexy woman that a married man sees in secret to have a romantic and sexual relationship with. This is the definition of a mistress. There is good sex, hotel room adventures, late nights, seductive phone calls, exciting secret dates, gifts and the thrill of doing something bad. But is being a mistress as glamorous as it seems?

Yes, BUT only at first. Being a mistress has its exciting moments and these are the moments that convince women to become a mistress in the first place. In the beginning, the mistress holds all the power. She is the one who has the married man under a love spell and she gets all his attention and time that he should be spending with his wife. She is the one he fantasizes about when he is with his wife and the one he misses. He urges for her company and longs to hear her voice. The mistress is the woman a married man makes first priority and will shower her with gifts to keep her happy. This all sounds fun and good, but it is very short lived and eventually, the light goes on and shines on the truth of what the life of a mistress really is and eventually becomes after the sexy stage is over.

Relationships that start off in deception usually end in deception. When a woman gets involved with a married man, she turns a blind eye to the fact that he is a cheater and an unreliable partner. She sees only what she wants to see and believes only what she wants to believe. She acknowledges the fact that he is cheating on his wife with her, but refuses to see that she too is a victim of his selfish behavior- choosing to make herself his victim. Men rarely leave their wives and family for their mistresses, which means that they string their mistresses along, having them believe that one day they will both be together with no more hiding around. Mistresses hang on to this fantasy, believing that their married lover truly loves them and will eventually be with them and this begins a long journey of emotional pain, emptiness and endless waiting.

There are of course cases when a married man will actually leave his wife to be with his mistress, this has been known to happen, but it is rare. Plus, if it does happen, the relationship usually does not last, even if man and mistress go as far as getting married. This is because when the relationship started, it was not planted on solid, honest ground. Instead, the seed of the relationship was planted on unstable ground, fertilized with secrets and lies- regardless of whom the secrets were being kept from and whom the lies were being told to. Secrets and lies disallow people from being their true selves- a part of you has to be put on hold due to the man-mistress circumstance. If the man and his mistress do end up together and get married, they eventually have troubles with trust, because of the way they got together. They both know that they are capable of cheating and going along with cheating and while they may actually love each other- all the facts defining their relationship has the greater influence, whether they want to acknowledge it or not.

Most man-mistress relationships do not get that far though and majority of the times, he will not leave his marriage for his mistress. He may believe at one point that he will, but his feeling of responsibility and need to be loyal to his wife and family take over and he therefore does not leave. Most men have affairs because of communication problems in their marriage or an empty gap that has grown in their marriage and they are unsure on how to approach. They long for good happy company again without complications, and an affair is a good escape for them- but it does not last forever.

So why would somebody give up any choices in life? What is it about commitment that would make the whole idea of giving up anything worthwhile? Figure 1 presents a model for how commitment develops. The reason commitment develops answers the question as to why one would ever make a choice to give up other choices in the first place. First, attraction develops based on partners’ similarities and differences. There is a great deal of mystery, thankfully, in the roots of attraction, but let’s assume for the moment that the attraction has developed between two people. Because of this, they spend more time together. As the relationship progress, the ongoing satisfaction between partners results in a growing emotional attachment. However, along with the attachment comes a type of anxiety. I believe this is a nearly universal phenomenon. Why do we get anxious? We get anxious because we start to think about and feel the potential for loss of something valuable (Stanley, Lobitz, & Dickson, 1999): “I like you, I like spending time with you, I enjoy being with you. What if you’re not going to stay with me? What if you’re not going to remain in my life?” While I think this attachment process is entirely normal; I also believe that people will vary in how they experience it based on their own attachment history in their family of origin or in prior, romantic relationships. It is important to recognize that the development of attachment is not the same as the development of commitment, nor is attachment the same as commitment. Strong attachments between partners often lead to commitment, but this is not automatic. It is the formation of commitment—a clear series of decisions about choices and the future—that brings security to a relationship, thereby settling any anxieties about attachment. Attachment often pushes one to desire security but commitment brings evidence that one can actually trust that security exists. This simple model portrays what may be the most important role that commitment plays in relationship success and failure. Accordingly, marriage represents the highest expression of security between romantic partners. Therefore, a clearly understood, expressed, and regularly acted out I do is going to be the strongest foundation for relationship quality and security. Of course marriages are not always permanent. But, generally speaking, two partners derive a sense of permanence and a future when they look each other in the eyes and say I do and—by implication—I will. Couples clearly expressing and acting on such commitment will have an easier time in large measure because the long term perspective is in place to begin with, and that is crucial to help them. Weather the ups and downs that are inevitable in life together. Conflicts, set backs, and challenges that could otherwise threaten a relationship will be managed better because of the secure bond. The world`s [people] view of how commitment in relationships develops appear to be changing. In a report entitled Hooking Up, Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right, Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt examined the dating experiences of women on college campuses, focusing on how they are thinking about their relationships and how relationships form (Glenn & Marquardt, 2001). One fact gleaned by observing the current dating scene among college students is that there are relatively few standards and structures for relationship development compared to past eras. Personally, I have been struck by how much has changed in recent decades. It used to be that there were relatively clear steps in relationship formation for a great number of people. While I am sure customs have always varied by region and cultural background, relationships progressed along pathways marked by stages of commitment. For many, dating moved toward “going steady” who may have moved to a woman being “pinned” or wearing her beau’s class ring, and so forth. These actions represent emblems of commitment, with such patterns being ways young people practiced making commitments. It seems that such steps of practicing commitment are no longer existent for many younger people in America. In talking to experts in this field, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is not at all clear that anything else has replaced these patterns that have largely disappeared. In contrast, there is a general practicing of not committing, or not committing in any particularly tangible ways. I’m not suggesting—not at all—that young people should become, using Norval Glenn’s (2002) concept, prematurely entangled and thereby close out alternative options too early in a relationship. Yet, I am suggesting that some important symbols of commitment have been lost in recent years and I think the loss is meaningful. Such a shift in basic relationship development behaviors is clear in Glenn and Marquardt’s report. It is also very clear in Popenoe and Whitehead’s (2002) findings that such emblems of commitment are no longer made in young adulthood. Rather, relationships and boundaries and futures are ambiguous as couples develop toward the possibility of marriage. Hence, with regard to the developmental model presented earlier, attachments without commitments have become widespread. This change, I believe, has consequences.

Where We Find Few Differences between Men and Women in Commitment

Before exploring the ways in which I believe commitment works differently for men and women, I want to look at a few ways in which men and women are quite similar with regard to commitment. In a nationwide, random digit dialing phone survey that we conducted in 1995, we found that married men are, on average, just as dedicated as married women to their spouses (if not more so) (Stanley & Markman, 1997; Stanley, Markman, & Whitton, 2002). Similar findings were also found in the large survey we conducted in Oklahoma. Additionally, in the Oklahoma study, there were no meaningful differences between men and women in terms of how trapped they felt in their marriages (Johnson et al., 2002). Being equally dedicated to marriage does not mean that people derive equal benefits from the dedication of their partners. The benefits of commitment in marriage may be somewhat different between men and women. On balance, it appears that men and women both benefit from marriage, though men may benefit somewhat more; and women clearly are more likely to suffer the most when marriages fail or are of chronic low quality (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). I will come back to this point about benefits of marriage. In the same national poll noted above, cohabiting individuals were, on average, less dedicated to their partners than their married counterparts, even when controlling for length of relationship in years (Stanley, Whitton, & Markman, 2004). Hence, it is not merely institutional commitment that matters in our culture (i.e., whether you are married or not). Commitment to the institution of marriage does tend to differ between marrieds and cohabiters (Nock, 1995). More importantly, institutional commitment appears to be linked with interpersonal commitment (dedication) to the partner. Thus, some people may under-interpret the meaning of their partner’s reluctance (male or female) to move toward marriage in the future. Resistance of marriage may, quite often, mean uncertainty about the relationship, not merely uncertainty about marriage per se.

Differences between the Sexes in Views of Marriage and Commitment

With this background on commitment in mind, I want to explore a theory about one of the major ways commitment is different between women and men related to marriage: Although married men and women may be equally committed (dedicated) on average, men see the line between marriage and not marriage differently than women do. Below, I review the research and thinking that led me to this theoretical statement. This is, to be clear, a theory requiring more thought and testing in the years to come; but it is a theory that explains a great deal of what people often see in the behavior of men compared to women.

The Desire for Marriage

Let us look at some simple findings that suggest a difference between men and women in the view of marriage. First, various findings suggest that men, compared to women, see marriage as more desirable or important. In a 1998 poll, 39% of unmarried men reported that they would prefer to be married, whereas 29% percent of unmarried women reported that they would prefer to be married. In a 1994 with a similar question, but different wording, 59% percent of unmarried men said they want to get married, whereas 48 percent of women said they did. There is some evidence of a difference in men’s and women’s views of marriage having opened up on the past few decades in the Monitoring the Future surveys conducted by the Survey Research Center at the University of Michigan. Over the past few decades, roughly 38% of male high school seniors agree or mostly agree that people who marry have happier lives than those who remain single or cohabit (see Figure 2). While the percentage has remained unchanged for males during this period, between 1976 and 2000, the percentage of female high school seniors who think that marriage matters in this same way fell from 37.8% to 28.5%.

This is an amazing gap opening up between young men and young women, with women increasingly coming to think, at least in high school, that marriage really does not matter. Of course, these data also make it clear that the majority of both young men and women believe similarly, but I think the change in female beliefs is particularly disturbing. It is almost as if we have finally succeeded in talking young women into thinking that marriage does not really have a great bearing on their prospects in life—this at the same time, as I will mention later, it is becoming clearer that marriage may make a particularly important difference in how men treat women. Broadly speaking, all of these data show a 10-point difference in the percentage of males and females regarding beliefs about the value or desirability of marriage. This is a curious thing.

The popular conception is that men are commitment phobic, especially about marriage, and women are the ones eager to move relationships toward that committed state. But these data suggest that men, maybe more than women, would be the ones pursuing marriage because they may actually see it as a more desirable or important step. What could explain this disconnect between the popular perceptions of men and the sentiments that men express? As I mentioned above, I think an understanding of how men vs. women see crossing the line between marriage and not marriage may explain a great deal. To build the case for this theory that there are important differences in views about “the line,” I will present findings from four sources, but I would point out that there are many other ways these arguments could be supported.

What is presented here are merely the steps on the path I took, and they are in the order I find most logically compelling for this presentation, not at all in the order that I encountered them:

1) qualitative, focus group research by Whitehead and Popenoe presented this year, and at this conference;

If you want to be successful, this is for you. You are going to learn how you can uncover the source of motivation deep within you. As you know, without motivation, you will never have the drive to take action. And if you do not take any action, you will never be successful.

The main difference between success and mediocrity is that success requires action. Successful people are action oriented. They tend to take massive action compare with ordinary people who just dream and think about their dreams. Therefore, this article is perfect for you because you are going to discover the 3 simple steps how you can unleash the motivation within you.

1. The first strategy is to think about your why. Why do you want to be successful? Why do you want to achieve what you desire? Why do you want to make your dreams come true? Your reason behind each of your dream and goal is going to drive you toward what you want in your life. After all, it is because of these reasons that you start to think about achieving it. Thus, know exactly why do you want to accomplish what you want can help you to stay motivated.

2. Next, try to focus on the rewards and not the process of doing it. Making cold call is what most people will procrastinate on. However, if you focus on the rewards that you are going to get from doing it, you will better motivate yourself to do it. Think about all the sales you are going to close, all the money you are going to get and buying your dream car and your dream house, all the rewards are going to turn you on and drive you into taking massive action.

3. Finally, tell everyone that you know about what you want to achieve and what your plan to achieve it is. When you do this, you are making a public commitment and you are putting yourself on the line. You will have no other choice but to take action and make it happen because you have no other alternative to choose from. You do not want to have your friends laughing at you because you fail to achieve it. And thus, you will motivate yourself to take action.

Before looking at the question of how men may differ from women with regard to commitment, I want to address the general question, “does commitment still matter?” Is it such an important topic, to write, discuss about or it’s not worthy our great mind to dwell on? Read through am sure you will be surprised if not shocked by some of the findings around this issue. Let us begin by looking at some of the findings that were just released from the Oklahoma Baseline Survey (Johnson et al. 2002). In this phone survey of 2300 Oklahoma residents, those who had been divorced were asked about the things that led to divorce. They were given a list of ten things and asked whether each was a major contributor to their divorces. Commitment was the mostly highly endorsed item. In fact, 85% said that “lack of commitment” was the major reason for divorce. I would not have predicted that it would be so highly rated in this day and age, much less the highest rated reason for divorce among the options presented.

Another finding coming from this survey released from Oklahoma supports the importance of commitment in marriage. A question was asked of the currently married respondents: «Have you ever seriously thought your marriage was in trouble?” Thirty-four percent said “yes.” Those who said “yes,” were asked, “Are you glad you are still together?” Ninety-two percent said that they were glad they were still together. A recent finding from the large-scale National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH) are consistent with this point from the Oklahoma survey.

As part of a report entitled, Does Divorce Make People Happy, a team headed by Linda Waite examined longitudinal data from the NSFH (Waite et al., 2002). Among the findings, of those who were very unhappy in their marriages at one time point, two-thirds of those who stayed together were happy 5 years later. These simple findings suggest that there is something wrong with the belief that people seem to have: Once a marriage is down, it’s done. My impression is that Americans generally believe that marriages don’t recover and that the choice is black and white: either hang on in stable misery (perhaps some people’s definition of commitment) or get out. The fact is, some marriages are, indeed, like that. For any number of reasons, they will not improve. However, there are also couples who hang in there and bounce back from difficult times. They endure, persevere, and continue to put one foot in front of the other. In the end, many get to a very different place in life.

So, at least for some couples, the perseverance that comes with commitment produces important, positive outcomes. This is also true more broadly, with couples generally doing best if they have a clear sense of future together (Amato & DE Boer, 2001; Amato & Rogers, 1999; Waite & Joyner, 2001). These data I briefly present, along with a great deal of evidence in various studies not presented, suggest that commitment certainly does matter in marriage (and divorce). Certainly, the average person thinks that it matters a great deal. Before I continue with other points, I want to highlight that nothing in this talk should be construed to mean that I am arguing that people should remain in highly destructive relationships no matter what else. When there is danger of serious harm, safety should be the overarching priority.

What is Commitment?

How do couples experience commitment? Our theory suggests there are two components to commitment: personal dedication and constraint (Stanley & Markman, 1992). Personal dedication speaks to how intrinsically committed partners are to one another whereas constraints are the things that might keep couples together when partners would rather leave. Constraints are the things that accumulate as relationships grow and make it hard to break up, such as financial considerations, responsibilities for children, social pressure, and a lack of foreseeable alternatives. Despite the connotation, constraints can have a positive function in the lives of couples because they can help prevent one or both partners from making drastic decisions that unravel investment during periods of intense unhappiness. However, behaviors at critical times for many couples. Of course, when someone is really unhappy for a long time in a marriage, constraints can lead a sense of feeling trapped. Constraints don’t lead to great, happy marriages. They mostly put the brakes on impulsive, destabilizing Personal dedication, on the other hand, refers to interpersonal and more intrinsic commitment processes, particularly in commitment to the partner and the relationship. It has four important components: a desire for a future together, a sense of “us” or “we” (or as being part of a team), a high sense of priority for the relationship, and more satisfaction with sacrificing for the other.

There are two fundamentals that underline all of what commitment is about for couples. First, developing and maintaining a long-term view is crucial for marital success. Fundamentally, what commitment brings to a marriage is a long-term perspective that allows partners to weather the inevitable ups and downs in marital satisfaction. Second, commitment means making a choice to give up choices. Giving up choices is not a prized notion in American culture. We want to hang on to everything. In fact, we’re generally reinforced to believe that we should hang on to everything and keep all of our options open. Of course, at times, this presents a serious problem for individuals because one cannot have certain things in life by hanging onto everything in life. It is like the proverbial monkey with his hand in the jar who is trying to hold on to so much that he can’t get his fist out. We end up with much less in life when we try to hang on to everything rather then being more devoted and dedicated to a particular path or partner. So, while commitment remains crucial in so many ways to relationship and marital success, there are fundamentals to commitment that are at odds with much in American culture at this point, especially in regard to holding longer term views and making clear decisions to be committed.

The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What’s sad are the reason couples avoid conflict is because they believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It’s like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor, «We never talk anymore. We figured out that’s when we do all our fighting.» In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that «staying in love» is about agreeing, about NOT fighting. We’re afraid that if we disagree – or fight – we’ll run our marriage off into the ditch. We believe that if we’ve found our soul mate, we’ll agree about most things – and certainly about the important things. Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost. And, we start wondering if we married the wrong person. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy. Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. While it’s true that we don’t get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn’t know how – or learn how – to fight or manage their disagreements successfully, they won’t be able to do all the other things they got married to do. Put another way, it’s hard to take her out to the ball game if you’re not speaking. Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking, quit loving.

Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of «incompatibility» or disagreement that they will never resolve. Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life «around» them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to develop understanding and empathy for their partner’s positions. The divorce courts have it all wrong. «Irreconcilable differences» – like a bad knee or a chronic back – are not a reason to divorce. Instead, they are part of every good marriage. Successful couples learn to dance in spite of their differences. They gain comfort in knowing they know their partner, know which issues they disagree on and must learn to manage. They also understand that if they switch partners they’ll just get ten new areas of disagreement, and sadly, the most destructive will be about the children from their earlier relationships

Couples enjoy themselves as they gain mastery and become «relationship and wise smart.» Healthy loving couples also model the skills for their children which will slow the divorce rate in future generations. «Don’t tell us how to have a good marriage, show us.

After I read this story, I felt it would be noble to share it on this site and lots many people around me. It’s worthy reading over and over, especially now when we go through different challenges when it comes to relationships and marriages. All details and events in the story are as they were given word by word, nothing has been edited, except that the true identities of the people involved has been kept a secret. [HERBERT MTOWO]

I first want to say to all those that are hurting — I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH and I am so completely in agreement of the pain you’re experiencing. I also know however that WITH JESUS he can heal ALL WOUNDS. We may not be living the way WE want to in the present moment but God has a plan and it’s perfect. He’s not a magician. We don’t get to pray and then POOF our problems magically disappear but He WILL do what He says he will. God says he will never forsake us and he will help us THROUGH our circumstances. Not over them. Not under them. THROUGH THEM. God wants us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). The problem is what we really want Him to do is hear our prayers and then act on them according to our timetable, our rules and our script. God is using this time while our spouse is away to REFINE US. He wants us to TAKE OUR EYES off of our spouse. To take our eyes OFF OUR CIRCUMSTANCE and have FAITH and TRUST HIM that He will do what he says He will do. Hebrews 11:1 says: Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. While we stand, while we wait, we don’t SEE changes. We don’t SEE God working but He is and we’re having faith and believing and KNOWING that God is doing what He says He will. That’s faith!

I prayed about retyping this. I thought for a moment maybe it wasn’t meant for me to share it after I lost it when I timed out but I prayed about it and I am praying that what I share, that with the blessing God has given me and wants to give everyone that through Jesus, I will touch someone and solidify what God wants from us. We, us, people, we are like the ISRAELITES. God delivered them from slavery and promised them safe arrival in THE PROMISED LAND. It was ONLY AN ELEVEN DAY JOURNEY. Instead it took them FORTY YEARS TO GET THERE! Why? They grumbled! They complained! They put everything else before God. They had just been delivered from darkness and were still complaining about what they didn’t have because things were not as they wanted. So God let them wander. Isn’t that like us today? Blinded by sin whether it’s pornography, gambling, adultery, sexual immorality, greed, fornication, lying, stealing, drugs, disrespecting our spouses, not loving our spouses, holding grudges, not forgiving? My husband was in OBVIOUS sin but I was a sinner too, my sin was just hidden behind closed doors and I didn’t even know it was sin! I complained to anyone who would listen about what my spouse was doing. I was mad! I had resentment and bitterness. Let me tell you, forgiveness is like CANCER it spreads and what it breeds will spiritually kill you. My dad walked out on my mom and she is STILL bitter, still resentful and that was over 19 years ago. I was headed down that same path, more consumed by what my spouse was doing to me then letting it all go and letting God heal me. Let me share.

In 2009 my husband just after our 15th anniversary had a VERBAL BLOW UP. We were having a minor disagreement and BAM out of nowhere he let out an explosive verbal assault on things I had never heard from him before. He didn’t want to die an average man doing average things. WHAT? His life was boring and he was sick of the routine. WELL WHO ISN’T AT TIMES? He noticed how I was more of a mother than a wife. SAY WHAT? He felt like something was missing and didn’t know what. I didn’t know at the time of this verbal assault (that lasted 3 hours) it was directed at ME. He wasn’t happy with me! He felt average WITH ME. He thought something was missing and *I* couldn’t fill it. I did not know that my husband was already imagining having an affair at this time. I didn’t know at this time that thoughts were already in his head about pursuing someone other than me. An affair starts IN THE MIND. It starts slow and builds. A person has lust in their heart sometimes and it grows until they act on it. Some people have had it growing from as far back as their childhood; they may have been sexually abused or grew up in a home with pornography in a parent or a family member. Some people like my spouse harbor unexpressed feelings for years.

My husband grew up in an emotionally repressed home. His mother was manipulative and vindictive and he wasn’t allowed to speak up/out against things that bothered him. I did not know this until now. I always thought my husband was laid back and went with the flow. I didn’t know all the years we were married that my husband craved an emotionally SOUND environment free of confrontation and belittlement and that he craved affection (his mother never expresses any even now). Combine that with me and my childhood issues of having a father emotionally distant to his family and a mother, sister and brother who was very sensitive and craving his attention and often winding up on the floor in a blubbering mess, I vowed to NEVER be sensitive to ALWAYS speak up and speak out and to SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID. An explosion waiting to happen right?

My spouse (and a lot of our spouses here) start building someone else up in their minds. That person becomes ALL THAT THEY THINK WE ARE NOT (and maybe we haven’t been.) I had grown to become resentful of my husband the last 4-5 years. He never defended me when his mother lashed out at me or tried to do something vindictive to me. I took him not speaking up for me as a sign of weakness which was what? A flashback to my childhood and NO ONE was going to have me under their thumb so I started believing in my mind that my husband did not even DESERVE my respect. God calls wives to respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5:33) I didn’t. I started holding back affection too. I build up in my mind that since he couldn’t do what I wanted him to do then I wouldn’t do what he wanted me to do. Oh how wrong was my thinking! My husband wasn’t weak; he just never learned that expressing himself was HEALTHY and that some confrontations are GOOD. He held everything inside until it manifested out loud because God says what we think on we act and do. My husband started believing after 15 years and never so much as looking twice at another woman that he couldn’t get what he craved from me so he looked elsewhere. Once our spouses build someone else up in their minds, we get torn down in their hearts and they believe that person is what they need, want, deserve.

After a few months I found some emails of my husband flirting with another woman online. She commented on photos of his family saying «you have a beautiful family» and then promptly sent him a link to photos of her on the beach! I knew he had never met the person but they were having some sort of online flirt fest. I was so hurt and wounded. My husband was mortified! We cried together all day he was so upset he did what he did, I was so shocked and I believed him when he said nothing had happened. He even called her on the phone in front of me and broke off all ties. I was relieved and thought if this is our only down in 15 years I could live with it.

Well, guess what? The thoughts were still there about him not being happy. The enemy was still putting in his head that he could never find happiness here with me so Satan dropped someone else not much longer that was also online. This person was more than willing to be the other woman. I knew nothing. This affair was basically going on under my nose. Oh the betrayal! I had no idea. I found out by accident of course and immediately said I wanted a divorce. He denied it but I had proof and so eventually he relented and said yes he did. He looked stuck but didn’t say he would stop which was fine with me, I wanted out. I was so mortified and so shocked I went the very next day to get on anti-anxiety meds. I thought the tears would never stop. I also went to see a Christian counselor and she said «what if this one thing was the worst there is in all the years of marriage you’ve had?» I thought about that and told my H I would give him another chance and forgive him. He said “thank you but I’m still going to talk to this other person.» WHAT? Oh my GOSH I’m wounded and bleeding here and I’m telling you I will give you a second chance and you throw that back at me? Unbelievable I was dumbstruck. I couldn’t believe it. We were almost at 16 years now and He was choosing the affair over his wife? I lashed out, begged, pleaded, condemned, verbally abused and physically lashed out at my husband for a month! He was still in the house and I would catch him texting this person or going outside to text or chat with. I couldn’t take the blatant disrespect. I could not believe who my husband had turned into. It was like Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. I didn’t know him anymore it seemed. Someone had taken him captive (and it was — Satan had taken him captive — 2 Timothy 2:26). I even asked him do you still love me. He said yes but I’m not IN love with you. Ouch. Some days he was in tears over what he was doing other times he was aloof distant and arrogant almost. It was surreal to watch,

After a month of that, he left. He said «this isn’t working for me» and left. I said «well of course it’s not working, you’re still pursuing the affair!» and I physically lashed out again for one good measure. Ticked off is not the word. I felt rejected and treated like garbage. I was obsessed with thinking of how I could get even. I figured out who the other person was and contemplated about sending them a nasty email. I wanted EVERYONE to know what had been done to me and I wanted him to feel HORRIBLE. I kept hearing a voice saying «I’m not done with you both yet.» I didn’t know at the time God was trying to get my attention but because I was so focused on being revengeful and focusing on what had occurred, I didn’t pay attention. I didn’t WANT to pay attention. I started going online to the midlife crisis forums and venting there about what was happening and found out about Rejoice Ministries. I did not want to hear anything they said either. I just wanted to make my husband pay for what he did to me.

About this time my husband has moved out and I really almost had an emotional breakdown. Everything he took with him left a gaping hole where things had once been. Our home did not feel like a home and our kids were so affected (another fuel to my anger) and hurt and sad. My husband’s blinders were on so tight he wouldn’t even talk to me about their pain. He was still very much a part of their lives but he would not talk about what was happening to them (the guilt was too overwhelming to do so). Emotions were off limits and he tried to pretend that things would get better with time. At this time I’m starting my stand. I put my ring back on and I laid my husband at the foot of the cross and took my hands off him. I knew God would bring him home, not me or my attempts to guilt him into waking up. I was reading my bible and praying throughout the day and even praying and sharing with our children that God would restore our family and that they’d witness the power of prayer. I went back to everyone I had ever said anything negative to about my spouse and told them to pray for us and him and that God was going to do a miracle.

I decided to not listen to what the world says which is «move on, you deserve someone else, people can’t change unless they want to» and listen to God and trust Him that He’d touch my husband and heal him. God gave me so many signs to keep standing. On rejoice ministries people talk of seeing a COVENANT truck as a sign of encouragement to stand for their covenant spouse. I looked up the company and realized I’d never see one as they don’t travel through my area. It was about 2 weeks later when I saw a red truck pulling a long white trailer. I was waiting to turn right at a corner and they were turning left ever so slowly. I was annoyed. I had to wait for this longgggggggg Ford truck to turn pulling this longgggggggg white trailer. When they finally got fully around I pulled behind them at the light. I burst out laughing out loud; the back of the trailer was completely bare with nothing on it but the word COVENANT at the bottom. I just put my hands up and praised God for the sign. Every time I saw my spouse I was hoping to see his ring back on. I never did. He was polite but kept his distance when around me. I noticed new clothing, a new style of dress. He often would not meet my eyes and would come over and leave so quickly at times. Other times he’d take 20 minutes to get out the door. I always thought it was because he was thinking of asking to have something else to take out of the house.

Now I know otherwise. A letter came in the mail — he had withdrawn money from his 401k. I was LIVID! I wanted to pick up the phone and confront him because I didn’t know if we were going to divorce and that 401k money was partly mine legally but God placed it on my heart TO BE STILL so I kept quiet. Father’s Day was coming. I didn’t know what to do. He had the kids for the weekend so I prayed about giving him a card. God gave me peace about doing so and so I put his card in one of the kids’ overnight bags. He contacted me and said thank you for the card. I was shocked. I was going to church that Sunday and asked if he wanted to meet me there with the kids. He agreed. DOUBLE SHOCKED. He came to church with the kids and wow, when God wants to get a message to you he will get it to you. The sermon was on THE PRODIGAL SON and they speaker spoke about how there are so many prodigals out there. Children who have left their homes to run away and FATHERS & MOTHERS WHO HAVE LEFT THEIR FAMILIES TO PURSUE SEXUAL IMMORALITY. WOW talk about an uncomfortable service! LOL my husband was sitting next to me, we looked like a happy family if you didn’t know what was going on but he was fidgeting the entire time. I invited him over for 4th of July. He declined and sent me a visitation schedule for the month and said maybe this would help make a smooth transition so we’d have less contact. My heart sank. Because of the kids we had a lot of contact, now it seemed we would not. I still knew God would do what he wanted to do. Our 16th anniversary came and the Holy Spirit told me «get him a card» I prayed for God to help me find the perfect card and have never looked so hard for one in all my life. I think I visited 3 Hallmark stores and went to 2 different Targets and a Papyrus! LOL I finally found the «perfect card» and when I went to check-out, the cashier read the card, I remember thinking «how RUDE!» and then she said «wow this is the perfect card!» Wow, thank you God for confirming that for me. I sent him a text and asked if he could meet me in the parking lot of his apartment and gave him the card. He had nothing for me but I had prayed that God would send 10 prodigals home in lieu of my spouse having something for me for our anniversary. About 20 min later he sent me a text and said Happy Anniversary . Thank you, I didn’t forget. A week later he asked me out. It’s been almost 7m now since that date and slowly but surely things are coming out. My H often says “I think back to last summer and I just shake my head.» I even asked him once something he said that was particularly painful and he said ‘I said that? When?», It’s like he doesn’t even remember which fortifies what they say at Rejoice Ministries, Satan is their mouthpiece when they’re in sin. My H as told me about 3 times a week (it was every day at first) «thank you for standing in the gap» and «I’m so glad I’m home.» He said he had no peace and there was a constant chatter in his head. I asked him when he knew he should be at home and he said «as soon as I left but I was too prideful to return right away.» Just recently (and I might have shared this in another post) he said «I am so sorry I fell prey to the deceit of believing what I had with someone else I didn’t have with you. It took me hitting the ground off the slippery slope to realize I already had that x100.» Wow. God wants to speak to you. He won’t tell you EVERYTHING because His ways are not our ways but He will give you insight. I remember when my spouse was gone, the Holy Spirit told me, “he will not return longing or craving or missing the other person but he will return full of guilt and shame.» I almost fell out of my chair one day when my husband said out the blue, «I hope you know I’m not missing craving or longing to be with . And oh boy did he have shame. I think the first 60 days he sat around the house like a deer in headlights. He looked shell shocked. It was heartbreaking to see. I share this not to brag, oh no. Not at all. I pray no one feels that way. I share this because I know this is a testimony for others to gain strength from and stand just the way others testimonies have done for me.

My testimony does not match theirs and yours will not match mine. It will be unique and different so it will reach people who need to hear what you went through. I can honestly say with all my heart I would go back to day one just to get where I am with God now. I was a Christian before but I was a baby Christian. I did not know God’s word; I did not really know what God could or would do. I did not know God would speak to me. I did not really know that God has a plan for me even in the midst of my pain and confusion. That he would work out all the kinks and straighten it all out. Not in my timing and not my way but in His way and his way is PERFECT. For I know the plans I have for you,» declares the LORD, «plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. … Jeremiah 29:11 I pray this testimony will be a blessing to someone. I leave you with my favorite scripture Proverbs 3:5-7 and a prayer I prayed every day because I wanted God to fight this battle for me in the spiritual realm: Psalm 35. Also Google “marriage restoration prayers» there are many out there already written up that you can pray with your spouses name in them with scripture. Pray Hosea 2:6 over your spouses caught in the deception of adultery.

Ask God to strengthen the hedge and to bound God’s commandments around their neck and write it in their hearts. To watch over them when they’re sleeping and guide them during the day. Trust and know God is doing it. He goes after his lost sheep and who is more lost than a prodigal spouse? 1 Peter 5:8 says: «Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.» He wants to devour families and marriages. Stand alert! Put on the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) over yourself, your spouse and your children. Blessings to you all. Sorry this is so long.

I was hesitant to post this out of fear. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear someone will know me. But I need help. I have been married for over 15 years. My marriage has always been what feels like a roller coaster with many ups and downs, high high’s and low low’s. My husband and I have always had a very difficult time communicating. We are aware of this. We have sought counseling together and as individuals. It has helped temporarily, but then we fall back on our old ways. We never seem to stay in it for the long haul.

About three years ago things got very bad. My Husband and I were fighting non stop. It got to be too much and he left. I have some very bad habits. Things I learned from my up bringing. I can be mean spirited, angry, and unreasonable when I am hurt or mad. My husband was gone for one night and then came back. It only took a few weeks before things got bad again and he left again. This time for 3 months. During this time we did a lot of soul searching. I came to understand how much I hurt my husband with my anger and verbal attacks. I made a commitment to change. I sought counseling, did research, read books. I am proud to say I have really changed my attitude, how I react, and my overall spirit. I understand a little more why i was doing these things and have a better handle on how to recognize my triggers and how to keep myself under control. I know I have a long journey but I am committed to being a better more stable person.

I am also a very jealous person. I am insecure. I have been working on this trait as well; however this is a major struggle for me. I haven’t been able to get this under control. One of the main problems my husband and I have not been able to get past involves a third party. Not long after my husband and I were married be had a flirtatious relationship with a co-worker. He hid this from me, however, eventually he told me about it after I confronted him. He told me he could have slept with her if he wanted, but he chose not too. I was devastated. It took years for me to get over this. I felt betrayed by him. I was so hurt. But I finally got past it.

Now I am going through it again. When my husband left the second time he developed a friendship with a much younger single coworker. He would meet her late at night alone. They would talk for hours. When I found out through a different friend he denied it. It took him 3 months to finally admit it. During this time we were in marriage counseling and he even lied and denied it there! When he finally admitted he was talking to her, he told me he had lied because he knew I wouldn’t like it, because I am so jealous, and he didn’t want to deal with my anger. He was right. I am incredibly jealous of this woman. She is young, beautiful, and I am very threatened by her. What hurts me the most is he confided some very personal things to her about me and about our marriage. When he told her these things he had only known her a few months yet bared his soul and told her some very intimate things. When I asked him if he was attracted to her he said yes. When I asked him if he thought he could be friends with someone he was attracted to he said yes. I am very very hurt by all this. I asked my husband if he was having an affair with her and he said no. I told him it felt like an emotional affair. He became very upset with me and said he was not having any kind of affair with her. He has since told me he only discusses business with her, that he has stopped talking about personal things, but I don’t believe him. Occasionally a comment he makes tells me otherwise.

Fast forward 3 years and we are still in the same terrible place. I still don’t trust my husband. He still sees this woman on a daily basis, still works very closely with her, is in constant contact with her at work through phone calls, emails, texts??, I’m not sure. I have told him how uncomfortable I am with them working together but he says I need to get over it. I have tried over and over unsuccessfully to «get over it». My husband and I fight about this issue all the time. I think about her all the time. I wonder what they are doing. I have told my husband I need for him to be transparent with me. I have asked him to be trustworthy. But he doesn’t like to have discussions about emotional things. He backs away when I bring it up. When I ask about her, he gets defensive and tells me I am «accusing» him of something. I need to talk about it!

I have worked so hard to overcome my many faults. Now I feel like all the hard work I have done to change my attitude, myself, to become a better person is in danger of disappearing. I don’t want to be a jealous crazy wife. I want to be able to trust my husband. I desperately want a healthy marriage.

How do I let go of all this garbage that is taking over my soul? How do I get out of this place? Is my marriage unfixable?