More PIA/GATF Candidates --Cagle

Bobby Knight: Former coach of the Indiana University men's basketball team. Very high on discipline, but low on tolerance. Will be quick to establish consensus, if not create dissension, in the ranks.Will have little trouble making the association's interests known to anyone who stands in his *@! way. Lone drawback: The man is a total *@! Has been known to throw a chair or two when prodded (someone taking his assigned parking spot, for example). Better to fight with him than against him.

Ken Lay: The former Enron chairman needs a job, right? He has lots of executive experience and expertise. Knows how to take stock of a situation. Hey, some people just make a bigger splash when they go down for the third time. After all, everyone deserves a second chance. Call him a darkhorse candidate.

H. Ross Perot: His presence placates those who feel this industry is in need of a financial booster shot. The former U.S. presidential candidate has never been at a loss for words, so if any association speaker bails out of an engagement at the last moment, Ross is our hoss. Sure, he's hard to take serious, but he has the Don Rickles snowballing comedic effect. Once he gets going, you can't stop laughing. "You sheetfed people are living a fool's paradise," he'd say. "Y'all will be broke in a year and end up selling those promotional pens that feature nudie girls whenever ya turn 'em upside down. Web, web offset, that's the ticket! So don't be a damn idiot! Get with the program! Only 10-year-olds want nudie pens. And ya know what? They ain't got a damn dime, either . . ."

Britney Spears: Purely a gimmick candidate to boost membership. But maybe the demographics aren't ideal, as the pop music icon appeals mainly to girls ages 7 to 12 and men ages 30 to 45. But if she has the endorsement of no less than one Robert Dole ("Bob Dole digs Pepsi"), then I think she's owed a second look—at least.