Entertainment

We should be more judgmental online, just not the way you think

When Australian fashion and beauty blogger Essena O’Neill quit social media, she didn’t just walk away. She lit a match and started a fire.

O’Neill, who had over 600,000 Instagram followers and 260,000 YouTube subscribers, posted a video lamenting the lack of authenticity on social media. Then, she deleted Instagram photos and edited captions on the remaining pictures to reveal the truth: They were heavily edited and carefully curated to sell clothing and accessories for sponsors. Not a drop of reality.

In the wake of O’Neill’s social media flounce, critics have accused her of continuing to play the game, by using social media to criticize social media, perhaps even for a larger publicity stunt. O’Neill has since gained a larger following and has asked for donations on her new website Let’s Be Game Changers.

Image: Essena O'Neill/Instagram

It would be easy to assume from this situation that the Internet is a toxic stew of judgy haterade, that no action is free from criticism. But Deborah Gilboa, M.D., family physician and youth development expert, argues it’s actually a lack of judgment that leads to such messes.

“In order to teach our kids not to be jerks, we’ve simplified the message as ‘no one should judge anyone’, when the reality is we should all be a little more judgmental," she argues. In this case, O'Neill got in over her head and was, for a long time, unable or unwilling to adequately judge what was good for her. But she thinks it's actually O'Neill's followers who displayed a lack of judgment when they didn't critically assess the influencer's videos and pictures all along.

She believes that teaching children to be more judgmental begins by encouraging them to think critically about the messages they see online, as well as their own.

Gilboa doesn't simply mean be more discerning; she actually wants people to judge more.

“Too many kids just believe (or at least forward along) what they see online," says Gilboa. "They don’t think critically about sources or messages, and it’s because we aren’t encouraging them to. Because that would be 'judgy.'”

While this is a problem for both children and adults on the Internet, Gilboa believes we need to educate children particularly, because overriding cultural messages teach children not to judge, ever. "It's in schools and in sports, it's become the refrain of youth culture: 'Don't judge.' But this message is making it harder for them to think critically about what they see online and it's also making children resistant to feedback and criticism — they can brush off even valid feedback as, 'Well, that person is being a hater.'"

Galit Breen, a mother of three and author of Kindness Wins, a guide for parents and children navigating the toxicity of the Internet, sees things differently. “We need to teach our children not how to judge others more effectively, but how to turn their judgmental faculties on themselves, to think critically about their own behavior and what they are surrounding themselves with," for example, photoshopped images of unrealistic body standards.

Victoria's Secret got hammered for egregious photoshopping, which made the model's legs look bowed and disproportioned.

Breen herself got caught up in Internet controversy after online commenters criticized her weight in a picture she posted for a Huffington Post article. Breen fired back with an XOJane essay on fat shaming. She says, "We are definitely not lacking in judgment as a nation. What we are lacking is the ability to have conversations and disagreements in a healthy way.”

When determining whether or not to criticize someone about a topic, Breen recommends asking oneself, "Is it really that important to criticize that person?"

If so, she recommends parents teach children to take the conversation offline if they have a valid criticism for a friend. This conversation can involve anything from perceived sexism to racism to bullying. "If your child is really bothered by what their friends are putting up online, encourage them to just reach out and ask what is going on. [This can] deescalate a problem quickly and show the other person that they aren't being judged, that they are being cared about."

This is where Gilboa and Breen agree. You may not be able to stop judgment, whether positive or negative, but you can surround yourself with good influences and encourage your children to do the same.

Gilboa recommends that kids learn to draw the line when they see content that is racist, body shaming, bullying, flaming, outing someone, close-mindedness or daring something to do something illegal or dangerous.

"Judgement, first and foremost, should guide where [kids] spend their time and attention," she says. "The proactive step of speaking up is tough. The teen with the confidence and power to do this, or the authenticity to refuse to sit idly by...is rare but truly admirable."

Emma Gannon, social media editor at British Glamour and author of Ctrl, Alt; Delete: How I Grew Up and Stayed Sane Online, advises people not to focus on calling out potential fakes like O’Neill; after all, social media is an individual choice. Instead, Gannon argues, “The main thing to teach kids is to find happiness online; to connect with people who like are you; to learn more about the world and about yourself; to explore your personality by expressing yourself online…The Internet is an incredible place to express all your different loves and interests.”

It’s time to reclaim the word "judgment," concludes Gilboa. "We are confusing a whole generation of children by telling them not to judge, then expecting them to have good judgment. We can’t have it both ways.”

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