Entertainment

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL—In an effort to provide customers with the most affordable and convenient sexually explicit entertainment, Redbox on Friday debuted a new touchscreen on the back side of the automated kiosk for renting pornographic features.

WASHINGTON—Warning that a successful launch would constitute a grave threat to American population centers from coast to coast, leading analysts confirmed Wednesday that South Korea is currently developing a new pop group capable of reaching the United States.

NEW YORK—Saying the ghastly imitations were sadly not entirely surprising, sources told reporters Tuesday that a widely viewed documentary about a brutal murder had inspired a string of numerous copycat documentaries.

MANSFIELD, MA—Increasingly anxious at the distance between the lead vocalist and center stage, concertgoers told reporters Tuesday that they were worried Incubus frontman Brandon Boyd might not make it back to the microphone in time for the third chorus of “Wish You Were Here.”

LOS ANGELES—Unexpectedly penning lyrics about colorful autumn foliage and summer cottages on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee, alternative rock band Red Hot Chili Peppers accidentally wrote a song about New Hampshire, sources reported Friday.

EDISON, NJ—Citing creative differences that had been festering for at least a decade, Chuck E. Cheese keyboardist Mr. Munch confirmed Wednesday that he had left the band to form a new prog-rock outfit, The Mr. Munch Experience.

George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family

SANTA FE, NM—In yet another stunning twist that has reportedly shocked fans and law enforcement officials alike, fantasy author George R.R. Martin surprised Game Of Thrones viewers Sunday night by killing off his entire family, sources confirmed. “Wow, I definitely did not see that coming,” said Atlanta man Todd Franklin after learning that the A Song Of Ice And Fire scribe had mercilessly butchered his wife, two sisters, and countless members of his extended family in cold blood after locking them inside his Santa Fe residence. “To think that he slit the throats of all those major relatives like that, in the blink of an eye, it’s just crazy. He definitely keeps you on your toes, that’s for sure.” While fans of the HBO series were blindsided by the unexpected and brutal murders, longtime readers of Martin’s books told reporters that they were not at all surprised to see the novelist commit such atrocities, as that’s exactly what he did to several other close friends and relatives 12 years ago.

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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.