I had a friend ask me today how I was doing at this time of the year, seeing as Tiny Man’s anniversary and his birthday are approaching at an alarming rate. This is what I told her:

***

To be totally honest with you, I don’t know. I really don’t.

Christmas this year was REALLY hard. Like, every year Christmas gets harder and I can’t make it better. The anniversaries were always hard, but I didn’t expect Christmas to be as hard as it is. I have a lot of trouble being “in the spirit” when I spend so much time wishing he was with me.

This is the first year that his birthday and his anniversary will fall in the middle of the week (Tuesdays, to be exact). Sometimes I wish they weren’t so close together. Sometimes I’m so thankful they are I want to fall on my knees. I feel like I’m allowed a breakdown once a year, then I get up and move on.

I have come to realize that for some people the grief of losing someone evolves. I think most of our family is like that. They still think of him (I hope), and we still talk about him (my parents and I do, anyway). I can still talk about him with my friends, and they are just so awesome at helping me remember. For me, though, the grief doesn’t change. It Ebbs and flows, sometimes it’s barely there, and I’m thinking of all the good things and laughing. Sometimes I feel like he died five minutes ago and I’m still leaning over him keening in agony. There is “in-between” but there is no relief.

I’m able to keep this hidden, the fact that sometimes I’m still in so much pain. I know it shouldn’t matter what others think, but as time goes on I share my story less and less….it’s so tiring to explain, so try and make people understand, to share these last little bits I have left. And I want to share and I feel like no one is listening. And I’m talking to much and making them uncomfortable.

***

This year it will be four years. I’m still waiting for February to not hold such weight, such significance in my life. I create rituals that help me get through. I find myself looking at the valentine crafts on blogs and Pinterest, trying to break out of this sinking feeling I have about February. In the end, I just give in and let it overtake me. I’m not sure when it gets easier, but it must. It must, right?