Friday, July 08, 2005

Size Queens

I have figured out how to tell if your child will be gay.

I‘ve come to the conclusion that straight American men are the biggest size queens on the planet. The breeding population in the United States by far requires all of the possessions in their lives to be the biggest available, because some time in their straight, boring lives someone told them that bigger means better and biggest means best. “More”, in str8speak, must symbolize some kind of success.

Gay men, on the other hand, like everything to be minimal. With the exception of one thing – one dear, lovely, phallic thing – gay men like to keep things small and simple. What are the two most popular cars driven by gay men? Mini Coopers and Jeeps (now I love the Jeep, but it’s the most impractical automobile there is). I can’t go into a gay men’s clothing store and find a shirt size above a medium. Our furniture is simple and low to the ground. Our technology (cell phones, mp3 players, digital cameras) are teeny. Hell, my dildo is larger than my stereo (and coincidentally gets better reception).

Straight women are just as bad – just look at the hairdos sported by any Republican woman over the age of 40 … and it’s worse if she’s from Texas. Lesbians are so minimalist they don’t even bother to buy makeup or razors. Ever see the wardrobe of a straight girl? Huge! Ever see a lesbian’s? 5 tee shirts, camouflage pants, and a pair of Doc Martens. Straight girl accessories? So many she needs separate containers for makeup, hair, jewelry, etc. Lesbian accessories? Black eye-liner and a chain wallet.

Now all this is not coming to mind because I saw yet another straight man driving around in a Hummer, or read about yet another 5 million dollar house being sold to a 55 year old man and his wife, or witnessed yet another family of 5 (collectively weighing a ton) at the park eating a bucket of the Colonel’s Extra Crispy. A simple walk in the rain brought all this to fruition. Straight people were walking with umbrellas the size of those found on the beach. Gay men sported those little clear bubble umbrellas from the 70’s that just kind of hug you. Lesbians just got wet.

So pay attention to your child. Does he have the biggest iBox? Future straight man. Swears he wears a size 6 shoe instead of an 8? Future gay man. Needs the most expensive prom dress in the store? Future straight girl. Boycotts her prom altogether? Lesbian.