Before it starts again

Ordinarilly I'm the kind of person whose body and mind shut down when I get low. I can barely move or speak if it gets really bad. Right now I'm a bit sick. It's clouding my head and, ironically, interfering with the thoughts that would normally keep me from talking about them here. On the other hand I'm not sure if half the things I say are completely real so I'm sorry if I.... Bah I'm babling about unimportant things again. Sorry about that.... I've never been sure why I've felt this way. I have decent relations with freinds and family. I've always been able to smile and laugh. I've been tested for depression, BPD, mania and other things. Through it all though no amount of testing, or thinking, or talking has ever been able to find out why I want- WANT- this. Both the want for death and the want for help are mysteries. Most of my long-term emotions have been crushed by the feelings and wantings and thinking about both of them. Pretty well all that's left is desire. Desire to die, and desire to not die. Not desire to live, but to not die. For a while I was sad. I'm not now. I was scared after that. Gone. Now I'm just confused and lost and... wanting...... I don't know what to do or think or feel. Mostly I've just resigned to my fate. The desires will grow until I can't fight them any more. I just want it to stop. No... to end....

these contradictions are normal. we as people fight to stay alive it is a survival instict. on the other hand our mental status leaves us feeling down and yerning to die. you just have to seek help if you want to or not seek help if you dont. it is the battle between good and evil. hope this helps.

Okay, Ive had some rest, medicine and time to think. Perhaps now I can make some sense. First off, blackfire, thank you for your concern. It doesn't really apply to me though. There is no good or evil in my world. As I said, the long term emotions (pain, sadness, joy, anger, peace...) are all but gone. I can still feel things, enjoyable and otherwise, but on a limited short-term scale. Amusement, frustration, concern, those kinds of things. Frustration is the ultimate word for it though. I've kept looking through every aspect of myself, psychologically and physically. It's always led nowhere. The want just is. I'm not making sense am I? Hmm I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Of course I shouldn't have expected to be able to explain something that I don't understand. I just... want. I know I want. More and more I want. To feel the important things again. To remember the things I've forgotten, emotions and memories (not amnesia, just a really screwy memory) long gone. Else I want to stop feeling altogether. To end. To die. To be gone and out of everyone's way. To stop cluttering up reality with the endless, frustrationg want to feel. To be fully alive.... Ugh! I just reread that last bit. I'm starting to sound Emo. Rather than venture fruther down that path, I'm just goung to shut up now.