“The Fosters” (1.02) recap: You lie, Stef. You lie.

Previously on The Fosters, Lena and Stef of number four, Foster Drive, were proud to say they we not perfectly normal, thank you very much. Dumbledore left a 16-year-old on their front steps and then the trouble started. Mariana Parkinson started stealing her twin brother’s meds to sell for money to buy herself a new quidditch broom. Just kidding. She was hoping it would buy her way in with the cool kids and with her birth mom. Brandon Diggory, played some beautiful music and nearly got to be head boy. But then he got distracted by Callie’s sad puppy eyes and followed her into the Shrieking Shack to try to save her brother, Colin Creevey. Before Scabbers could blow his head off, Mama Lupin and Papa Snape arrived in time to save the day. Stef was a sucker for a hero type troublemaker, and Callie looked like she might make a great seeker, so she told Lena that Callie and her little brother were both coming home to four, Foster Drive. She might have a big heart beneath the gruff exterior, but she also hates losing the House Cup to Papa Snape.

Stef and Brandon are having a heart-to-heart about that time he almost got his head blown off. Lena thinks that Brandon sees the error of his ways and that staring down the barrel of a gun the night before is punishment enough. Stef was ready to drop the hammer and ground him for like two whole weeks, but then she decided that she would like to get laid this century so she’s going with Lena’s suggestion. Stef, I feel you. Our house works best too when we all agree that my wife is always right. Welcome to the “I’m Coach Taylor in this relationship” club. Buckle up and get ready to be wrong, all the time.

Stef walks into the kitchen and wonders where the hell Mariana has gone. She had a touch of trouble in the bathroom and her hair looks like Moaning Myrtle gave her a swirly. She whines about not having time to fix it before school and how it’s so unfair for her to have to go anywhere with it like that. I can see how living in a house with Lena’s hair would make anyone feel bad, but Mariana shut up. Stef is clearly a witch because she can cook pancakes while sitting outside disciplining a teenager. As she tries to dole them out she nearly gets run down by Jesus on his skateboard. She reminds him to take his Ritalin. He fakes taking it because he’s only got a couple pills left and is, inexplicably, covering for Mariana. The kids have to skedaddle because Stef and Lena are talking with Bill. Callie looks nervous but Lena does that thing with her face where you would believe her if she said she is an angel so believing her when she says she won’t let Callie and Jude get split up again seems like no big whoop.

At school, Mariana hates her hair, Jesus takes a girl’s bag because telling her she’s pretty is so hard to do, and we find out that Malibu Stacey is the one buying the pills from Mariana. Mariana tells the girl Jesus noogied that meeting her birth mom kind of sucked. The girl, Lexi, tells her to cheer up because at least she won’t have to invite her to her Quinceanera. All the lesbians think:

And everyone knows, if you give a lesbian a Shane, chances are she’s going to think about Carmen and if a lesbian thinks about Carmen she’s going to ask you to — wait, where was I?