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September 12, 2010

Anger, Hate, Sadness

If anyone is still checking in on this blog, whether it be through a feed reader or just the old fashioned way, you may not want to read this.This is a total bitchfest about the state of my life right now. It's not pretty. Consider yourself warned.

I'm angry that I can't get totally happy. I hate my life most days. I feel incredibly guilty about that.

I hate that I find myself looking at other men and wondering "what if?" I love my husband very much, but I find myself looking at beautiful men and wondering if I could have had a different, more glamorous life if I had married a different man. I hate myself for thinking that.

I am saddened by my own weakness. I hate my total inability to move past failures, mistakes, and disappointments.

I hate the dullness of my everyday existence.

I am sad that I'll probably never get to see all the beautiful countries int he world, and if I do get to go, I will probably be very old by the time it happens.

I am sad that my daughter has ADD. I am sad that the reason behind it is probably due to something I've done wrong. I'm angry that I have been lazy in my parenting.

I am angry I never finished college. I am sad I don't have a degree and an alma mater to be proud of. I am angry at my mother for not pushing me to do so.

I hate my mother for ruining my life. I hate her for making me so messed up that I worry every day that my daughter will grow up to hate me as much as I hate my own mother. I hate that she made me into a cynical and often bitter person.

I am saddened by the fact that I am probably ruining my daughter's life. At least to a certain extent.

I'm angry that I have let my body go to shit. I am angry that I am now having to work so hard to get it back. If I hadn't been so fucking lazy and such a procrastinator, I would only have to maintain right now.

I'm angry that I'm going to be forty next year. I'm most angry that now that I actually want to do something different with my life, I'm too old and totally locked into the life I have created up until now.

I hate my face. I hate my ankles. (Cankles.) I hate my hands. I hate that I have bunions I can't afford to get fixed. I hate that I'm fucking HUGE. I hate that I wasn't born an average size. My size wouldn't be so bad if I was thin, but.....

I'm angry about all the changes to my body from having a child. I'm angry that no one told me about those changes and that I didn't know they would be permanent changes.

I hate the town I live in.

I'm angry that my husband has become such a hypochondriac. I hate that all we talk about anymore is physical ailments. I'm tired of hearing about him worry over his blood pressure and his teeth. I hate to think what the dentist makes off him.

I hate that Cristiano Ronaldo is so fucking beautiful and that it makes me feel good to stare at pictures of him on the internet.

I'm sad that my grandmother never met my daughter.

I'm sad that my mother ran off the only good man she ever had. I miss him.

Some days I'm sad that I only have 2 family members left. One I hate and the other I never see. Some days I'm happy about that, because most family is just a pain in the ass. My grandmother is that only one that wasn't.

I'm angry that I had to sell my store. I'm sad that I'm still angry about it 2 1/2 years later.

I'm angry that I can't let go of ANYTHING.

I'm angry and sad that I am so tired. I want to do so much and am often too tired to accomplish as much as I want to accomplish.

I'm sad that I have such low ambition.

I hate that I have to rely on my mother occasionally for child care. I hate that she's obsessed with my child. I hate that she sees us as her only source of happiness.

I hate that people at work always expect me to be upbeat and happy.

I'm sad that I have only one true friend--my husband.

I hate that I'm so self-conscious. Of course, looking the way I do, what choice do I have?

Most of all, I hate and I'm sad and I'm angry that after writing this list, I don't feel any better about my situation.