Cardinal Baloney: Sister Uses Wrong Shoe Polish

Responding to widespread coverage of the church pedophile scandal in Chicago, Cardinal Baloney today issued a statement on behalf of the College of Cardinals based in Rome.

At a news conference yesterday, in Chicago, personnel files of 65 pedophile priests were made public. Numerous victims of these priests were present at the conference.

It was revealed that the Bishop of the Chicago Diocese, Fr. Ignatius Betrayal, refused to defrock a priest who had molested 5 boys.

Documents depict systematic ongoing decades of Archdiocesan cover-ups to protect its reputation and image in the eyes of the public. It has paid out $100m in settlements to several hundred victims of abuse.

Cardinal Baloney in the statement argued, "All of this is too bad, but it's time to move on to more important issues such as fighting against teen-age use of contraceptives to avoid pregnancy and HIV-AIDS."

"It is also important to effectively oppose the use of aborifacients in cases of rape and incest. Holy Mother Church needs all the souls it can have to be put under its subjection and authority. The Chicago pedophile scandal is over," his Supreme Eminence Baloney stated in the press release.

"I'm concerned about issues in my personal life now. For example, Sister Mary Vagina, who has been ordained by God to look after my personal needs, hasn't been buying the right kind of polish to use on my shoes. I've got to sort that out," Baloney said in his statement.

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