Wednesday, January 5, 2011

(Un)Hinged: Knowing When to Fold 'Em

They say "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop," and yesterday afternoon I found this saying to be all too true. Earlier in the day, I had been engaging in my favorite hobby, the noble and wholesome pursuit of food styling, but once I finished putting a decorative kilt on what was undoubtedly the finest haggis I've ever styled I found myself with nothing to do. So I turned to the Internet and started looking at bikes, and it wasn't long before things started to get ugly.

Actually, they didn't get ugly so much as they got dorky, for I found myself wallowing haggis-deep in the weird, hinged, and pliable world of folding bicycles. While I'm not actually in the market for a folding bicycle at this very moment, I am very close to "pulling the trigger" on a luxury yacht, so I figure it might be nice to keep 15 or 20 folders aboard so that my guests and I can take in the sights of Antibes or St. Barts or wherever my helper monkey, sea captain, and business manager Vito takes us. (Vito wears a lot of hats, though they're all fezzes.)

I must say that I enjoyed my foray into the folding world, mostly because of the Dahon website. At first I was bewildered by their many offerings, but I soon noticed that they very helpfully explained how to use each bicycle. For example, the "Mu P8" should be used for "Stashing behind your seat on the subway," "Beating traffic over the Brooklyn Bridge," and "Vineyard hopping in Napa"--all of which constitutes a very full day, even if you do own a luxury yacht:

It did not, however, explain the meaning or pronunciation of "Mu P8," though I'll just assume it's pronounced "MOOpate" and refers to the act of bovine masturbation.

Anyway, as a soon-to-be luxury yacht owner, there's no way I'd ever be caught dead on the subway, so next I checked out the equally versatile "Speed P8," (or "SPEEDpate"):That one's for "Fast cruising to that class across campus," "Bar hopping (eco style) on Friday nights," and "Exploring in Costa Rica:"

It's perfect for that insufferably smug college student who goes on environmentally friendly benders (I assume this means drinking out of homemade bamboo cups), blacks out, and wakes up in the middle of a Costa Rican jungle.

But for sheer "urban assault" hijinx and general "Cat 6" racer douchery, you've got to go with the "Mu XL Sport," which is pronounced "MYOOKcil" and is named after a popular expectorant:The idea that somewhere there lives a ninja-like commuter racer who carries a folder and is ready to unfurl it and engage in "epic" battles with other commuters at a moment's notice is simultaneously horrifying and awe-inspiring.

In any case, I really like the idea of bicycle company websites telling you exactly how to use each one of their products, and I think all of them should do it. For example, you may be wondering what this misshapen hunk of crabon is, and what you're supposed to do with it:

Obviously, as a semi-professional bike blogger I know exactly what it's for, but how are you supposed to know unless the "Big S" tells you? They really need to update their website to include the following information:

--Weighing almost three-quarters of a hundred pounds and carrying payloads as large as a baguette and a small dog.

--Humiliating your family by participating in your local tweed ride.

--Feeling superior to people with expensive road bikes because, while your bike is just as expensive, it's also vastly slower and more unwieldy.

Of course, some bikes need no explanation:

Perfect for:

--Being a total hipster.

Speaking of hipsters, while important cycling blogs of record such as All Hail The Black Market have declared the "h word" dead (that's "hipster" and not "hephaestian"), I maintain that it is very much alive, for the simple and undeniable reason that, here in Brooklyn anyway, hipsters are still all around us in ever-increasing numbers. In fact, as of now they're a more powerful force here than ever before, since they'll all returning from their parents' houses where they spent the holidays, flush with cash and armed with renewed out-of-state driver's licenses and ironic bric-a-brac from their old bedrooms.

For this reason, simply retiring the word "hipster" is not going to change anything. I can declare the word "pigeon" dead too, but that's not going to stop them from defecating on my head. After all, "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," and a hipster by any other name would still be a fashion victim with a cloying sense of entitlement. Plus, you still can't point a camera anywhere near a bike without inadvertently capturing a hipster like a tuna fisherman snaring a dolphin. Consider this photograph from a recent BikePortland post:

Notice how the smoking hipster just kind of worked his way in there, silently mocking the whole thing:

In fact, hipsterism is so pervasive in cycling that it's even resulted in a discipline as rule-bound as any other. Consider this video I saw recently on Trackasaurusrex, which embodies it perfectly:

Of course, once this awkwardly writhing union of bicycle and outfit do finally get up to speed, it can't really stop because it doesn't have a brake. So, as soon as things start getting hairy they take to the sidewalk like a weak swimmer dominating the kiddie pool:

I rue the day when these kinds of hats infested cycling, and they should stay inside customized Honda Civics and in front of video game consoles where they belong:

Next, it's only a matter of time in any fixed-gear video before they start making with the idiot skids:

After which comes the inevitable "money shot" in the form of a rear blowout:

Undone by his own idiocy, he's now forced to walk home, and when he reaches his building he of course does the "Rockette Dismount:"

(Germophobic hipster rings buzzer with foot.)

So help me Lob I saw someone dismount this way before a run-up at a cyclocross race this season, so if hipsterism is dead then I'll eat a pair of Rivendell Splats.

By the way, always dress to match your lobby:

Then, after your ride-ending flat tire, be sure to head right for your Apple editing suite and make an "edit:"

Wishiwasmerckx keep on posting. I just dropped in and saw the podium race had just started so I commented before reading the post.

I am not participating in the race, I was just on the tour after and came in real early, so keep up the hard racing. I think I will stop and have a coffee and a snack and watch all the other contenders as they come in.

I think a lot of "h-words" are ex-skateboarders, so the need to film everything is already there. I used to skate, but don't feel the need to film any of my boring rides on my geared bikes with fully wrapped bars. I still feel the need to drink though.

Nogocyclist, your comment about just stopping by and happening upon the podium race reminds me of the story of my first ever road race in 1984.

I was so far off the back of the cat 4's that I actually was getting caught by the cat 1/2/pro field in the finish chute. The crowd and announcers were going wild, wrongly assuming that I had broken away from that group and was holding them off for the win.

Only when I got close enough to the finish podium that they could see my race number did they realize their mistake.

You cannot bring a bike across the bay on Bay Area Rapid Transit during commute hour unless it folds. It is not rare for Cal Train (southern SF Bay Area transit) to fill up with bikes and leave you on the platform, unless you have a folding bike. Also: I'm thinking the Brompton video was done in the interest of humor no?

Snob, I believe you used the wrong video to show that the hipsterism is not dead. If you watch this video again, you will notice that the pseudohipster in the video actually rode through more than one intersection while the light was green.

No, this is evidence of the Pseudohipster. No real hipster would be caught dead going though an intersection legally.

Dear Snob,there is already some official racing going on on Bromptons. An official British Cycling Race. They call it the Brompton World Championship and it takes place once a year (the last 3 at Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire, England). Go find it at www.brompton.co.uk/bwc/2010 . The fold by the way is the best of all folders...And I do not work for Brompton or am in any way affiliated. Just raced on it a couple of times in England.

I've seen people do the Rockette Dismount, but didn't know what to call it. Thanks.And I hope the Brompton guy takes his folder to a triathlon. Video of him putting it back together and then mounting would be, oh, instructive.

I'm glad that I am up early so that I can fact check for you Snob. Moopate is what it is called when cow larvae enter their cocoons and undergo metamorphosis, before emerging as the spectacularly colourful adult cow (this psychedelic pattern is unfortunately outside of the spectrum of light visible to the human eye). I am sure that Dahon's marketing people (the same people responsible for the Perform Pain Relief campaign) intended to convey in the name "Mu P8" the bicycle's cow-like ability to unfurl from a tiny space to become a stampeding ultraviolet psychedelic beast. ce

You know, I'm a very peaceful and easy going guy, but I would absolutely love to beat the crap out of anyone involved with that Long Beach Cruisin video. In one short video it showed exactly how lame and pretentious the whole hipster/fixie phenomenon is. Gross.

I was in England (America's once stuck, but now Heimlich-Expelled Cheese Sandwich) - London to be exact - and went into a bike shop to schmooze around. I was approached by a mechanic who said "You're the gent with the Brompton?" in one of those accents English people in the movies speak in. I laughed and and laughed and didn't say anything and laughed some more and then left.

sir, these vines, even when trimmed in winter, stand between 7-10 babies high. I have seen double and even triple barriers get hopped, but this is too much, especially when encumbered by a fine bottle of red.

Hey Commie,I think that abstinence thing applies only to old fat guys. Since I've gone bent I've had better sex and more often than when I rode strickly upright. Something about blood flow or lackthereof.

wiwm said: I was so far off the back of the cat 4's that I actually was getting caught by the cat 1/2/pro field...

And THAT is precisely how I found myself briefly fending off Fat Greg ( who was neither fat, nor a TDF winner at the time ) on a short climb - back when I had legs & lungs, and gave half a damn. Suitably lapped, I used it as a signal to commence with the smoking & drinking that day.

Coastiedouche here.I saw the hipster fixiedouche video.What was the point of that?I live in Long Beach,the mecca of fixiedouche posers.The video was shot downtown and looks like they shot it around five in the morning to make the streets look empty and asthetically pleasing.It looks like he lives in a minimalist lifestyle except for three pairs of the same shoes.And he does nothing except come home and surf the web.Come to think of it maybe he is a real hipster.

i saw a thing that Andrey Amador got rolled in costa rica and the thugs took his pinarello with e-campy group. just thought that ironic. too bad he wasn't training on a folding bike. (sorry if someone already pointed that out.)

I'm the person who made the Brompton instruction video which I had hoped would be more favourably received as an attempt to enthuse the public to take to two wheels

Mikeweb, for your information that is exactly how I have sex with my partner and it has resulted in experiences you could not even begin to imagine.

Bent not Folded, Please accept my sincerest apologies for the erupting coffee experience you had whilst watching the video. That was never my intention.

I have since devised a technique to enable the Brompton to 'fold itself'. Unfortunately the injuries I've sustained whilst trying to video this have prevented me from posting to date, however the plaster cast should be off in a few weeks, so keep looking in.

Hipsterism will never die as it will go on in perpetual irony. Folding bikes WILL BE the ironic next big thing! Until the coming of the Lob which will take the non - ironic elect to paradise, while the rest go into a big boiling pot!

From what I've read of Vik's blog and his various posts on BikeForums and MTBR, he doesn't own any crappy looking bikes; rather, he has a stable of very nice, well maintained rides that he takes interesting places.

Also, judging by his posts on the aforementioned forums, he's a friendly, helpful fellow. Not the kind to, say, anonymously mock someone on the internet.

Would we call the fixie blowout poofadouchery? Seriously, he'll have to load the fixie on the 750iL and then park somewhere inconspicuous, all the better to roll up at the "no brakes" shop for a tire repair.

With a little luck, maybe we'll have another crash into the display case?

Mu P8… Mu is Chinese for "nothingness". OK, I get having China make it but if you are going to contract with a Chinese marketing firm too, make sure they're not just being sarcastic. I mean, that’s just how I see it, not that anyone pays attention to the 114th comment on a blog.

I'd say the most laterally stiff and vertically compliant of all folders are Montagues. You pretty much get a REAL full size bike but you can still fold it in half and take it just about anywhere. Take a look at www.montaguebikes.com

@Bike Snob RE my comment about Lazy R's recent tikit thai restaurant post. Sorry - New to your blog, which I is well done and generally pretty amusing. And I have read Lazy R's blog on a occasion and found some very useful information. I guess I posted what I thought was a quite topical link in the same spirit as your own blog - "No offense meant to the critiqued". Perhaps there's an unwritten code as to who or what can be mocked and what can't. How do we determine when it's ok to make fun of a video of a folding bike, or bike promo material describing how you can tuck it behind your subway seat, or taking pictures of your folded bikes in a Thai restaurant. And I'm not sure how an "anonymous mock" is any different than what you do every day.

Just curious. No offense intended. I appreciate the time and effort you put into your blog.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!