Month: December 2015

“We’ll rebuild these hopes and feelings soon,” you said. You said those words easily as if I know when you’ll come around and come back for me.

Before you even said on that phone call that I shouldn’t cry, actually I already did. I was thinking how foolish of me to even had my very own reasons why we can’t be together at time we wanted us to be, crazy reasons that this waiting will make a very good foundation in our relationship. I even convinced myself that you’re probably not ready yet, that somehow true love really waits. I tried to understand that this waiting will make our relationship worth it. And worse, I tried to make myself believe that it’s better that we have “something” instead of “nothing”.

As soon as you finally told me it isn’t the right time yet, I realized it didn’t matter who said…

I always thought that what you feel for me is something special, the kind of love I can hold on to. I tried to show that what we had is unlike the usual special-but-not-committed relationships though. Now I’ve never been so sure that there is nothing more heartbreaking than you, starting to ignore me, again.

I was the one you’re ranting on about how your crush puts you on a friendzone and how your Ex broke your heart. I was the one you’ve repeatedly been telling you never have plans for serious relationships, that the next one you’ll be having is the one you’ll be marrying. But then I was the one you’re sweet talking in the midnight, the one who’s with you all night long. I was the one you’re kissing, the one you’re holding on so tight. I was the one you’re sending kisses and the one you’re sending false hopes. I was the one you’re dying to talk with and the one you’re ignoring the next day.

All I know is that there’s a very reason why I am enduring such, and it’s because I love you. And that very love is what keeps me from holding on. That love is what keeping me from hoping that maybe one day you’ll realize then that it was me you’re loving all along, the very reason why I was hoping that maybe my all will be finally enough, the reason why I confused myself with the truth, that somehow there will come a time where you will no longer show you love me and then come to ignore me. But then I don’t know if that same love will help me get through. I don’t know if that same love will teach me where I should possibly stand in a situation like this. And most importantly, I don’t know if that very love is what you really wanted.

I knew all along you never really like me. I know by the way you treat me that you’re not taking me seriously. I know I was taken for granted: the one you expect to do what shouldn’t have been done, the one whose love for you was confessed many times, the one you expect to wait for you, the one who’s writing letters to which you never had any idea with. I know but I chose to ignore.

Now I know you are not a real guy then because a real guy doesn’t give mixed signals. He knows what he wants.

For once I never thought that a kiss would send me offguard. Not until you gave me one.

I didn’t saw it coming or never imagined it would happen either. You probably didn’t know what you did would never send me to sleep. Of course, you are the last guy I thought would kiss me. I wasn’t prepared, I never even saw hints. All I know is when you finally lean on quick, I swear no force on earth could stop the trembling of my hands.

It was the kiss that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it reaches the lips. And now I hate how gullible I was. I know it would send me to hopes again: hopes that you would love me like how I falsely thought you did, hopes that what happened was something special, hopes that it means so much to you, and all the hopes that I finally got over after you said we can no more than be friends. Now I was confused more than ever. It wasn’t a big deal, was it? Of course it was never a big deal for a one week whirlwind summer romance. Of course it was never a big deal because I am a friend. Of course it doesn’t mean anything to you because you never did like me. Of course what happened was NOT something special because you made a mistake again in expressing your feelings for me, the same mistake you told me before. And of course, I wasn’t someone special, someone you sent on FriendZone.

I know that was the end of it. You got over it and I am here making a big dramatic show about what the three-second kiss did to me although it really is something special, something to hold on to. I tried so hard to get better and get over this, to forget it all, and move on. And I thought I was getting to the point where I can finally say “I’m over it” but right now I couldn’t feel any worse for it wasn’t into my ears you whispered but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

“We’ll rebuild these hopes and feelings soon,” you said. You said those words easily as if I know when you’ll come around and come back for me.

Before you even said on that phone call that I shouldn’t cry, actually I already did. I was thinking how foolish of me to even had my very own reasons why we can’t be together at time we wanted us to be, crazy reasons that this waiting will make a very good foundation in our relationship. I even convinced myself that you’re probably not ready yet, that somehow true love really waits. I tried to understand that this waiting will make our relationship worth it. And worse, I tried to make myself believe that it’s better that we have “something” instead of “nothing”.

As soon as you finally told me it isn’t the right time yet, I realized it didn’t matter who said it first or who said it. You explained as though you practiced everything you’re about to say – hesitating, breathing, and pausing in between lines. For the minutest second I was listening to the voice of the boy I once knew, the boy I loved, the voice of the guy I would rather hear than my favorite song, the voice I heard on the phone saying I have to get out of the house and look at the stars only to find him standing there, the voice I’m agitating to hear from a morning call and last one I want to hear before going to sleep. And then it was gone, it was goodbye. And as I look back at how you left me before, I realized it was happening right now, again, with the same reason, the same lines, that’s when I started crying.

I was blinded, I guess, by the way you make me feel this is worth waiting for. It’s how you put beautiful words together, or how I foolishly let you come back and let you leave me again with some reasons you told me before. It’s about how I melted when you told me you already fell for me. It’s about how I let you silence the loud doubts in my head. Now I don’t know how to put everything where it’s used to be and forget you.

Maybe one day we’ll be right for each other and it won’t be so hard for you to love me. Maybe one day we’ll meet again when you’re ready and I’m not in a hurry. But that day isn’t today. Today you’re not into commitment and I am too pushy. Today even if we work out and as much as I want us, I can’t keep pretending that time is into us.

So please don’t have the audacity to say we’ll be waiting for each other for that “right time” and that time will make us wonderfully perfect for each other. I don’t know until when I can possibly endure to wait for your come back and rebuild the love we once made. We will never be enough for each other. We will never be better for each other. You were a lesson, but I confused you for a soulmate.

One thing I learned from the end of my life as I knew it: Tonight is the first and the longest time I cried.

It took me a while to decide to set you free, to take care of myself, and to bring back what I have lost since the time I started to believe that that was the right time and you were the right guy.

I knew all along you weren’t the right guy but I blinded my eyes to the things you showed me that you really are not. It doesn’t bother me that you always forget our special days. It doesn’t bother me that you don’t spend time with my family anymore. It doesn’t bother me that you are not looking forward in seeing me after a month or so. It doesn’t bother me that you are spending the night with your oh-so-puta workmates while I was crying my heart out because you were already ignoring me for days. It doesn’t bother me that I was kept on being neglected…

No. I shouldn’t whine like this. You don’t owe me and I see no point for me to hate you for not loving me back.

How foolish of me to convince myself that the reason why we can’t just be together was because we were waiting for the perfect time yet, or maybe you’ve been thoroughly devastated in that previous relationship of yours and that you are not ready for commitments yet. I always blow the thought away that real reason why we’re stuck in the friendzone was because I wasn’t the one you consider in the first place and that you were waiting for someone.

How lame of me to let you talk about her when we’re together, or to let you talk about how she put your demons at bay. How lame of me to let you tell me how you cried to God for really wanting her…

No. I shouldn’t whine like this. You don’t owe me and I see no point for me to hate you for not loving me back.

How foolish of me to convince myself that the reason why we can’t just be together was because we were waiting for the perfect time yet, or maybe you’ve been thoroughly devastated in that previous relationship of yours and that you are not ready for commitments yet. I always blow the thought away that real reason why we’re stuck in the friendzone was because I wasn’t the one you consider in the first place and that you were waiting for someone.

How lame of me to let you talk about her when we’re together, or to let you talk about how she put your demons at bay. How lame of me to let you tell me how you cried to God for really wanting her and giving me instead of her. Oh well, that sucks. Now I was able to see that I was blinded to the possibility that somehow you will get over it and you’ll see that I was here all along. But I was wrong. I shouldn’t have let you take me to dates when she’s not minding you only to ignore me days later because she’s starting to bug you again. I shouldn’t have let you put all my guard down only to send me to tears when you tell me you like me but you have someone in store. I shouldn’t have let this silly heart of mine brag about the love I found in you.

Somehow I came to think that I was jealous of the one who can simply turn your world around which I can NEVER EVER do. But no. I cannot change myself for someone I’m not. I cannot lose myself in the process of loving you and forget I am special too. I was blinded at how you show sobriety to an end and leave everything as it is. Thank you for showing me that I can possibly endure a love like this. It’s not because my all wasn’t good enough. It’s just that my love isn’t for everybody. And for that I cannot blame you for not loving me back.