Cross Examination: NINJA

After being thoroughly questioned for my nefarious skills at reading words on paper and having a father who likes men, my ex’s Bitch Lawyer seemed to have lost a grip on her plan of attack. Her entire paycheque depended on her ability to somehow make it my fault that my abusive ex had sent my naked photos to our coworkers and gotten fired for it. She left the room to speak with him in the hallway, where he’d been banished because of the restraining order.

I could hear his urgent whispers and the sound of him rustling through his notes. It was such an awkward sort of anticipation, waiting for her to come back and hit me with her best shot. As the hours passed, it just got more and more bizarre.

“…is it true that you ignored the State Department’s warnings after September 11th and traveled alone in places that are dangerous for women?”

“I was 14 years old on September 11th, and the first time I ever left the states was when I was 21. I went on an African safari so… no.”

“But you have traveled to places the State Department considers dangerous?”

“I really don’t know. If you can list these countries I’ll let you know if I’ve been to them.”

She stepped out from behind the table where she’d been standing all morning and closed the gap between us. The witness stand was on a platform so I was still at eye level with her.

“You’re not easily intimidated, are you?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“It takes a lot for you to be intimidated. Are you intimidated by me?”

It felt like an elementary school blinking contest, and I was prepared to let my eyes shrivel up like raisins and fall out of my face before I’d lose to this biatch.

“Nope,” I said slowly.

I knew this would only help her make whatever idiotic point she was gunning for, but I couldn’t help it.

“Ms. Lorens, you’re someone that people call when they’re in trouble, aren’t you?”

“Can you clarify what you mean by people?”

“At the hospital, you are someone that they call when a patient is getting violent, is that right?”

“Uh, no. I’m in executive management, I don’t have anything to do with responding to panic alarms.”

“But when you and Mr. Psycho Ex were dating, you worked on the wards, is that right?”

“Yes.”

“And when there was a violent altercation, didn’t they call on you to come and handle the situation?”

REALLY?!

“No, definitely not.”

“Ms. Lorens, my client tells me that you are known for being able to wrestle patients to the ground and that there was one incident in particular where you took on an ex-con all by yourself and everyone just stood back while you protected the other patients.”

My jaw was to the floor. How did this woman make it through law school if she was stupid enough to believe the paranoid and delusional ramblings of my ex?

“First of all, we don’t wrestle patients to the ground. We’re a trauma-informed facility that will do practically anything to avoid putting our hands on another person. We use verbal intervention and redirection. If someone were so violent that they had to be ‘wrestled’ I wouldn’t be anywhere near that situation. My role in any sort of escalation was to offer someone an Oreo or tell them I’d bring a new DVD with me the next day. “

I paused to take a breath, but just couldn’t stop.

“And for what it’s worth, ex-cons don’t necessarily look like what you see on TV, our hospital is full of people who are just like you and me.”

“That may be so, but Ms. Lorens, wouldn’t you consider yourself to be fearless?”

A Taylor Swift song began playing in my mind, but I don’t think that’s what she meant.

“No.”

“You claim to be afraid of Mr. Psycho Ex and yet you willingly work in a dangerous place and have traveled as a single woman all over the world. Does that make sense to you?”

“Yes, it makes sense because I experienced his behavior while we were dating.”

“And yet you stayed with him for almost an entire year?”

I nodded.

“Ms. Lorens, I’m going to need you to answer me with a yes or no.”

“Yes.”

“Why would you stay with someone you’re afraid of? You’ve made some very bold claims about his behavior—that he talked about killing your male coworkers or killing you, and yet you stayed. Why is that?”

“I don’t know. I can’t speak to the psychology of why women stay in abusive relationships.”

“You’re an educated woman who seems to do whatever she wants, yet you claim to have let him treat you so badly without doing anything about it?”

“I did do something about it. I told the police and I told my employers.”

“A year later. Why’d you wait so long?”

“I kept hoping it was over, but he just kept coming back and things kept getting worse.”

“Ms. Lorens, are you claiming to be afraid of him so that you can have revenge against him?”

“No.”

“Why would you have even sent such personal photos to someone who you claim was so unstable? You seem smarter than that.”

“I sent the photos at a point in our relationship where things weren’t so bad. I never imagined he would use them against me.”

I’d spent the last year of my life trying to convince myself that I wasn’t a “victim”—that I was strong and that I shouldn’t believe the shitty thoughts that threatened my brain, telling me I deserved what he’d done to me and that I was worthless. Yet here I was, having to argue with someone about the fact I was a victim. My blood was boiling but I had to remember my rules of cross-examination:

Goal #1: Keep your shit together.

Goal #2: Be as unhelpful as possible.

Goal #3: Destroy him.

After extensively judging me for allowing a man to treat me so badly, she told me to open the evidence binder in front of me and turn to Exhibit C-12.

It was a copy of the Virgin Mobile phone records I’d printed after being able to access the account he’d set up with my personal information. She spent a fair amount of time questioning me about how I’d gotten these records.

“I right clicked and hit print.”

She asked a thousand variations of “how do we know you didn’t forge these documents?” and “how do we know you didn’t send those photos yourself” and “did you actually see Mr. Psycho ex purchase the pre-paid phone?”

After thoroughly establishing just how fake and unreliable she considered my records to be, she had me flip to Exhibit C-13. These were the Virgin Mobile records that she’d subpoenaed from Sprint, their parent company.

This was the first I’d seen of them and they were a mess of numbers and codes in a non-descript excel file. My employer’s attorney immediately objected to having these records entered as evidence and while they debated it out with the judge I flipped back and forth between the two sets of records. At first look, they seemed completely inconsistent but as someone who has a knack for identifying century-old burial patterns, I began to identify various places where the information lined up.

The judge eventually allowed the records into evidence and Bitch Lawyer proceeded to begin her line of questioning. I was still staring at the numbers and didn’t look up when she began to speak. This did not sit well with her and she bobbed her head, enunciating my name like it was an insult.

“Msssss. Lorensssss?”

She pursed her lips, waiting for me to look up.

“What are you looking at?”

Her tone was full of accusation.

“… the records you just told me to turn to… and it’s interesting because these completely confirm my records, which you claim were forged.”

She began to panic.

“Judge, I can’t have her flipping through and looking at things she’s not supposed to be looking at, this is the exact sort of behavior I’ve been trying to demonstrate—“

“Counsel,” the judge interrupted, “You just instructed the witness to turn to the exhibit. Do you or do you not want her to look at them?”

She told me to shut the binder and not to look at another thing.

“I’m going to subpoena an expert witness from Sprint to come and testify about these records, I’ll suspend this line of questioning until then.”

I was finally released for the remainder of that day. I’d have to come back multiple times but I wouldn’t have to talk about the records until after a Sprint expert was found. I met with my employer’s attorney a few days later and when she left the room to find a stapler, I flipped through the binder and took photos of the Sprint records—sure, not the most ethical move but I had to be ready for the performance of my life.

Have you ever had to defend some aspect of your personality as though it were a flaw? What’s the most absurd lie someone has told about you? Would you bend the rules of ethics if you knew it would help the right side win?

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Did she seriously ask you if you were “fearless”? That’s the stupidest line of questioning I’ve ever heard. Apparently she was trying to prove you were a sociopath or something.
My new theory is that Bitch Lawyer was into Psycho Ex and was trying to get him into bed with her… because that’s the only way her reasoning makes any sense whatsoever.
BTW – I squealed like a happy child when I saw this post come up on my Reader! 🙂 Twas great lunchtime reading 🙂

I know! So ridiculous. Parts of the other people’s testimonies are sealed (including my ex’s) so I wasn’t able to get transcripts but the trooper who did the security was in the room and he would give me all the details later. Apparently my ex went on and on about how I was this fierce bad ass, rolling around war torn countries and all this other madness. Special, so special.

Hey Cimmy– I’ll pop over and check it out, promise. I don’t want to commit to anything I can’t deliver on though and these next few weeks are jam packed for me… so much so that I have a couple guest posts coming up to help me survive. But I will come check it out and support you in whatever way I can 🙂

Gah this bitch has so much karma coming for her. Whoop! It’s a bitch. And so is she. There is no way I could be in the courtroom while you were testifying. I’d be thrown out after the first BOOYAH, IN YOUR FACE, and/or BURN that I yelled.

Haha! That would have been amazing. There were empty seats, I totally could have brought along a brigade of supporters and you could have made signs and it would have been that much harder for me to keep a straight face the whole time!

Haha! Oh man. High praise. I watched the first two seasons of that show like an addict… I don’t know what it is about it that will make me sacrifice sleep and health to hit “play next episode,” but man I do it every time.

RIGHT?! It’s a real thing, actually! You have to fly them in from Kansas or some other random state (no offense, Kansas people) and pay all their expenses just to have them testify. And that’s what he ended up doing. What an asshat.

(An aside: I’m multitasking at least 15 different things right now and almost didn’t proof before hitting “post”, which would have left this: .”..you are a BJ.” And that is why we proofread, kids, because Aussa is not a BJ.)

Haha! At least you caught it, I know well that feeling where you’ve hit the “reply” button just as you see some horrifying typo on the screen. I’m not sure how I would have taken it if you’d called me your BJ… I would probably have googled it to see if it had an alternate meaning and then been completely distracted by the search engine results…

Brave as always, Aussa, in the face of stupidity, meanness and obvious evil. I love the way you always, always, always paid attention to No. 3 on your list of behavior under cross-examination . Destroy the enemy, you do. This movie is going to No. 1 on the box office lists.

Well, yeah. When you’re playing with a deck stacked against you, you do what you have to do, if it’s a reasonable bet that it will help. You don’t owe it to anyone to take the moral high ground when you are at risk through no fault of your own.

Ugh. I couldn’t turn away from the stink eye. I know I shouldn’t have kept looking at it, but I found myself mesmerized. Luckily, my desire to find out what happened next in your story overrode my fascination with the stink eye, and I managed to break away from my trance. Awesome story!

Haha! It’s hard to know whether the gifs help tell the story or totally derail people’s ability to continue reading… I know that it can often take just as long to find and upload the gifs as it does to write the post because I find myself getting distracted left and right…

There are times I think that if women really understood how little recourse they have when confronted with abuse, how much victim-blaming goes on, how difficult it is to thread the legal maze, that they would never willingly have anything to do with men again. Just in case.

And that is why we need you, guys-who-aren’t-dicks, to have our backs when this kind of shit comes down. In any way you can.

Very true, Miep and honestly I think that this sort of thing is the reason why people often don’t speak up against their abusers. Why put yourself through this shit storm if you can try to just ignore it, wish it away, or run from it? If only I’d thought of throwing that back in her face when she was acting all judgey about the fact I’d waited so long to report him.

It happens all the time and at many levels. There is so much pressure to just ignore such bad behavior that one only calls it out as a last resort, when you realize you’re backed into a corner and that if you don’t fight back it will only get worse.

At the same time, it’s quite possible to recognize that breaking the silence will be perceived as threatening and that there will be punitive backlash. Then you get to watch the whole thing play out like some kind of bad melodrama.

The useful thing I learned from all this crap is that disrespecting boundaries is a huge red flag and to have a scorched earth policy towards anyone who does. This is complicated by some people being bad at seeing social cues. This is not a failing so much as a quirk, and it can be worked around with good communication.

But if you make “no” clear, and they don’t respect that, about anything at all really, it’s never going to end, you’re not being treated as a peer. You are dealing with someone with hidden agendas, and the sooner you cut them off, before their fixation on their chosen target – you – gets out of control, the better.

I suspect that when women are accused of playing hard to get, they are often just testing this – how does he behave when he’s told no? Can he handle this without getting angry?

I can understand that in any actual relationship, people absent-mindedly piss each other off in various ways – we are none of us perfect – but there is a real contract there, and a sense of entitlement is much less of a red flag.

The idea of “boundaries” and how to set them and recognize when they’re being violated is something that ought to be taught in schools. Or it should be one of those conversations you have to have with your kids. The Birds, Bees, and Boundaries.

Right? I think she was having a VERY BAD day. I assume she probably just took his word for it and assumed that what he said was true and that I’d just be this stupid little weirdo who wouldn’t have a clue. As things went on she just began to look more and more angry and I don’t know if it was at me or him, ha.

Right? When I reviewed all of this with my attorney, Betsy, she said that all of those slut-shaming and bullying tactics were for the benefit of my ex and NOT the judge. Apparently shaming the witness and trying to make them all embarrassed and upset is a way to win favor with the person who’s paying you but it doesn’t win any points with the judge. Seems like quite a risk.

Seems like quite a crappy attorney. Anybody any good knows the whole thing is a stage play, and you play to those who count – the judge, and the jury if any. You never do something that might piss off the judge.

But if the judge is a known misogynist, you might play it like that. At the same time, judges are used to attempts to play them and find it disrespectful. Juries can be endlessly manipulated though, if you’re good at reading people.

In answer to your question… yes, all the time. In fact, I just wrote something yesterday in regards to defending a personality trait often deemed negative that really shouldn’t be anyways.

As a woman who has been through an abusive relationship myself, I wanted to reach over the Internet and over that bench and slap the crap out of that lawyer with my giant IQ. Intelligence has nothing to do with falling for a manipulative being. In fact, if anything, intelligence is closely linked to empathy, which allows a person to view the good in people — which is not a bad thing in my book.

I’m sorry you are going through this. You have a good sense of humor about this; I suppose you have to in order to deal with the absurdity of your “opponents.”

Luckily, most people are not like that idiot lawyer and your ex-boyfriend, and it sounds like the judge can see right through the b.s. Best wishes! I love your blog!

Hey, thank you! And yes– so true about intelligence and abusive relationships! That’s something that’s often written about, actually, that plenty of “well educated, successful” women find themselves in those situations. She was just a cruel hearted person going for the low blows, I think.

Did you write about this personality trait on your blog, you mean? I will need to head over and check it out if so. Thanks so much for your support!

I wonder if it is the same trick I know called “buying a large dead whole fish and laying it across the manifold of his car” or hiding some raw shrimp under the car mats and pushed up INTO the upholstery of his car seats…that trick? (Rotting flesh smell NEVER leaves…like EVER….thanks Myth Busters.)

This made me all PRE: “Booyah kid” and “in your FACE” and “DEAL WITH IT” at the same time…waiting not very patiently for the conclusion…ya know the part where you look elegant and cool and collected and LIKE A BOSS when he loses and bitch lawyer gets handled epically. GO Aussa, GO!

You mean you don’t wrestle ex cons to the ground on a daily basis? I was really hoping there might be a fight club feature somewhere in the future of your blog. But I think what you’re saying is no, right?

This definitely has me hooked. Does your legal team get to find their own Sprint expert for the next installment, or is the plan to just use literacy and numeracy skills?

I’m so sorry… but I just can’t help myself. Why must women supposedly have testicular descriptions when they are tough? (Don’t they get to have some sort of powerful lady balls? The only thing I can think that is directly equivalent is, y’know, mammary.)

And mainly because patriarchal society deems that being tough is equitable to being a man. Therefore if a woman is tough she needs to have great big hairy balls because it’s only attributed to being masculine.

End of day it was a off hand remark. Probably best to leave it at that.

Fair enough. Not sure I found the particular video you mentioned (the guys didn’t seem to be Swedish) but I did find one that otherwise fit the description. Amusing to see what they said after the experience (“you guys are superheroes… amazing”.

I haven’t seen that video but I’ve heard a lot of people refer to it! And I think that saying someone has balls isn’t necessarily offensive, it’s just a turn of phrase. I’m much more likely to consider being offended when female anatomy is used as an insult for weakness… but that’s just because I read the Vagina Monologues as a young impressionable teen. That being said, I kind of love the “c” word. Never use it but have a secret in-the-closet sort of fondness for it.

Okay i got pissed. and i mean pissed at the biatch lawyer. Why would you stay in an abusive relationship.? Honestly she never paid any attention in law school.. It is exactly why women and some men do not leave. they are being abused.
Got tat pissed me of so much.

as for you question.remember me being called lazy.
I turned to my boss gave him my keys and told him he did not have to pay me if i was SO lazy as people told me i was,. maybe he should go talk to all those subcontractors for me. LOL
yesvi got to stay they were sorry.
and a second time i did i walked out the office and left for good. damn asses. good to see them go dead after that 😀

and if someone else is accused of something i know they did not do. i back them up 100%

“and a second time i did i walked out the office and left for good. damn asses. good to see them go dead after that :D”

The last four business establishments I’ve been involved with (in management, more or less) all went south after I left. I’m not sure whether this speaks to my irreplaceability or to my having a penchant for lost causes 🙂

I was one of he fixers. getting everything working. and when in management you get a good grip on contractors and knowing how to smooth things.. when things go sour and and nobody to smooth things over they walk away.
maybe it meant nothing but felt good anyway

“I was one of he fixers. getting everything working. and when in management you get a good grip on contractors and knowing how to smooth things.. when things go sour and and nobody to smooth things over they walk away.”

Good managers are often unappreciated because a sign of good management is what’s not happening as much as what is. They don’t know what they’ve got ’till it’s gone.

Walking out on a job… sounds heavenly. When I was in high school I had a terrible sort of work ethic where I’d just sort of vanish from a job when I was tired of it. But I’ve done the responsible two weeks notice since then. It would be amazing to just up and leave though. Preferably with flames shooting up in your wake or something.

And yeah– it was a really stupid move for her to ask me that. I assume she wanted me to start rambling and try to justify something and then give her some little tidbit to work with but she mostly just made herself look like an ignorant ass.

I was one who always would back someone up ad be ethical and got screwed more than once . but if someone calls me lazy while i been getting shots to kill the pain in my back they can go to hell. no way will i work with an ass like that.and to think he been there for 4 weeks and never seen me.Oooh i flamed. he came to apologize. and i just stared. nobody tells me i am lazy when i put every waking minute of my day in that company. worked about 80-100 hours a week
and they call me lazy.

You are a survivor, Aussa, not a victim. Huge difference. 🙂 My ex accused me of being an IV drug user because I came home with unused syringes and bottles of medicine (saline) in my pockets after working in CCU for 12 hours. It sounded horrible at the custody hearing. Worse, my attorney really didn’t do anything to defend me.

Yeah, that’s a scary thing to have to take into consideration when it comes to making a shady ethical move. When it comes to your traditional “revenge” opportunities, I opt against them for that very reason (and because it will destroy your soul). But with something like this… it’s just a gamble. Like, do the ends justify the means? Hmm. I started out as a Philosophy major and took so many classes on ethics and would be like “well, there’s the ethical choice and then there’s the choice I would realistically make in that situation.” Just being honest, ha.

Well, your ex-wacko got one thing right about you: You ARE a fierce bad ass…Geezus can he be this backward and fail? And his lawyer? She went to an actual law school, right? Great line of questioning she has there…she was HIS lawyer, right? Filed under : “Hey asshole: Your lawyer, doin’ it WEIRD.”

Haha! You know… I just might have to look her up to see where she went to law school. I’m pretty sure that when this whole thing first came about I extensively stalked her on the interwebs and from the surface she looked rather impressive so she can’t have flown with the phoenix or anything, I don’t think… Who knows, such a mystery! I was always under the impression you had to be of a high intelligence to make it through law school and pass the bar buuuuut… maybe not.

Fight fire with fire, bitch mode versus bitch mode. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and stand up with those who understand that staying with someone because you love them is more simple than deciding to leave. When you love someone and the relationship takes a turn for the better, well, it’s in one’s own benefit to stay.

You’re taking a stand, and proposing another firm example of abuse in relationships. Your humor breaks up the seriousness tone of this, but you are always appropriate. Keep up the great work.

You’re alleyway fight scene… it made me think of the segue-after-segue in High Fidelity:

Yes! I’m with you on fighting fire with fire! This whole thing was on the defense, I never went out looking for this mess, he brought it to my doorstep and he should have been prepared to accept that I’d fight back. And that High Fidelity clip is abso-freaking-lutely perfect. I haven’t seen that movie in years and I just watched it with a huge smile on my face because it basically describes my reality at the time haha.

Another amazing bit of the story. I think that somewhere between when you were being abused by the EX and when there was attempted abuse by the ATtorney, you learned how not to let someone screw with you. Good lesson, well learned. And surprisingly with no wrestling involved~

Thank you Elyse. Yeah… I feel like that kid in Slumdog Millionaire where all my various life experiences are all culminating for one purpose. It still amazes me that I let myself get into that situation in the first place but getting out of it and getting over it has definitely built me up for the better and taught me not to let anyone get away with anything like that ever again. And I mean, if I have to pull out my top-secret ex-con wrestling skills, so be it.

Ethics should never be treated as currency but they should always serve justice, and when they don’t they are either superfluous to requirements or up for grabs…nothing unethical about using or abusing ethics when one is focused on Goal #3. I’m off to see if I can find some way to get Liam Neeson to read your blog, you’ve hit “based on a true story” action/drama movie status and reckon he’d be impressed!

I like your comment on ethics but I have to say I LOVE your mission to unite me with Liam Neeson. He has a new Liam Neeson-esque movie coming out soon and you have to know that I’m going to be first in line to see it. There are airplanes, bombs, and conspiracies. Gosh, I’m all over that like white on rice.

Law School 101: never ask a witness a question you don’t know the answer to already. It’s like you were cross-examined by Lionel Hutz…only without the charming & intentional Phil Hartman-ish funny attached.

I just moved into a new apartment. Last week the cops were called twice because of the violent fighting going on between the couple downstairs. Sunday evening, there was an officer standing outside my door monitoring the man moving out, per the woman’s demand. 12 hours later, he moved back in. Sadly, it makes sense, per the patterns/cycles of abusive relationships. They sound happy for a while…then, invariably, the screaming and cursing and violence resumes. After reading your blog, I envision her on a witness stand in the future, trying to explain to some twat of an attorney why she stayed.

Staying after being hit is something I will never wrap my mind around. I accept that. Especially if the victim has viable options to go somewhere else. I think I witnessed my mother get beat up too many times as a kid and I decided early on that I didn’t want that for myself.

Yes! That’s exactly what my attorney said about questioning! She was like “that’s a great way to make yourself look like an idiot.” Bitch Lawyer was just dumb enough to believe I was as crazy and pathetic as he’d made me out to be.

That’s really upsetting about your neighbors :-/ It’s like the far more brutal version of people who are constantly in and out of facebook relationships. I still don’t exactly know how to explain why I myself stayed… but I would hope that the more we all talk about it, the more likely a woman would be to finally get up the courage to go.

You gotta love women who blame strong women for the shit other people do to them. Those are the kind of insinuations I’ve put up with from my family my whole life. And, I suspect, you too. Good training, I suppose. But how does that woman sleep at night?

Reminds me of a time my co-worker sued me for committing fraud with her corporate credit card. Good thing I had the email where she authorized me to book her a room. She didn’t show up, and forgot to cancel. Her card got hit with a cancellation fee and I guess that equaled fraud. She represented herself and referred to herself in the third person at the deposition. Her line of questioning went like this “is it true that you like to shop on your lunch break??” (LOL). Of course the case was dismissed. Smh.

WOW. That sounds almost embarrassing. I’ll be the judge was face palming. She referred to herself in the third person? Someone needs to cancel her cable subscription and let her know that real life is not like TV.

I’ll have to admit…she’d have me unraveled. I can’t stand when people attack you for being human. What the hell does being a strong confident woman ie: fearless…have to do with someone threatening you. I’m not afraid to walk down a dark alley by myself, but if some guy pulled out a knife and told me he would cut me, I’d be scared.

Exactly! That’s what my boyfriend kept saying afterwards! He was like… what the hell kind of point is that anyways?! To show that I’m not a coward and then to hear me say I’m afraid of him is like saying he has extra strength scary-ness.

Being attacked for being human was probably one of the most frustrating parts of this… but I just tried to keep in mind that anyone listening KNOWS how people are and she was just trying to knock me off balance so I would give her something, anything, to work with. It was exhausting.

So based on the last post and this one, you’re kind of intellectually terrifying. You’re ability to stone wall people and pick out information. That and you’re penchant for getting your hands on information you’re not supposed to have. You realize you’re not that far removed from being an amazing spy, right? 😉 I’ve never had to explain my flaws. They’re this weird undertone in the room whenever I’m around people I don’t want to be around. It screams “Leave me alone.” Except in public places. For whatever reason reading a book with a blank expression screams to strangers “Come talk to me!”

Hahahahahaha okay I love how you describe your flaws as a weird undertone in the room, I can totally feel that. I had the MOST awkward encounter with an acquaintance on my old college campus the other day… I mean… I was smiling and nodding but I’m pretty sure my body language was the equivalent of clawing at the walls to escape.

And I will probably need to do a post soon about all the stupid things I do on a regular basis so that you guys don’t think I’m toooo intelligent. Because while I will admit I do have a knack for unraveling mysteries and acquiring forbidden info, I am also a little bit…. special at times. Like, super extra run into walls sort of special.

You’ve shown this “special”. Like when you were driving around the back woods 😛 But you have clutch and you make life interesting. When you have time, life is an adventure, when it comes down to the wire, you will slit throats. Metaphorically. I hope.

Haha thank you Lucy! Oh, I can basically knock down buildings with my fists. Have you seen The Avengers? That entire movie is based off of my life, they just broke things up into multiple characters to make it more believable.

Your timing was impeccable… I went grocery shopping today. I started your story while the kids and I had B&J ice cream for desert. I just got them to bed and finished while munching on Doritos. Great ending!

I’m surprised the judge let bitch-face go on like that. The judge usually tells a lawyer to stfu if she’s asking such dumb shit. Well, on tv anyway. That’s what your writing makes me think of… A tv series that I can’t wait to see the next episode of. I hope that doesn’t sound like I am making light of what you went through. Great job!

Yes, always happy to know that delicious snacks accompanied my story telling! And no– it doesn’t make light of it at all! It totally feels like a TV show. A TV show with stupid writers 😉 and you’re right about the judge– she totally shut her down multiple times. One of which I’ll be including in the next “Hooker” part …

Amazing, as always. I just keep hanging on edge for the next installment. That being said, I hate the “victim game”. We tell ourselves we aren’t victims, but then we have to portray it to be taken seriously by not only court systems, but sometimes just people in general. Then they say we should be strong. But if you are too strong, or “fearless”, no one believes you. -facedesk-

She wasn’t the brightest lawyer was she? haha. She should have let well enough alone. Can’t wait for the next installment. As for your questions “:Have you ever had to defend some aspect of your personality as though it were a flaw? What’s the most absurd lie someone has told about you? Would you bend the rules of ethics if you knew it would help the right side win? ”

Yes I have had to defend my personality. I’m honest and blunt, seems to be a fault with mine according to my ex. My ex spread it about after I left him that I was having some kind of breakdown and I needed to be hospitalized. Dumb shit. I would most certainly and have bent the rules some to help me win. Hell yes!

Oh I know you bend rules, you rescuer of abused dogs! That is the exact sort of rule bending I love and respect! And who on earth can truly criticize being blunt and honest? It’s an incredibly useful trait, I would think. I tend not to be blunt except in certain situations but I work with a woman who is unbelievably blunt and direct. I admire her and try to learn from her how to handle a lot of situations I face.

Great post. Glad you give as good as you get; better actually. Nothing worse than having to defend yourself to people who you wouldn’t even let park your car or watch a pet fish, so to speak. You’re awesome.

That’s an excellent way of putting it, with the car parking and fish-sitting. It would be one thing if I felt like they had a right to be questioning me that way, or if they had some legit approach to the whole thing but the sheer lack of common sense made it all feel like such a circus. Thank you 🙂

Woot! Woot! You rock Ninja Aussa! YeeHaw, reading these stories is like riding a gigantic roller-coaster, with each hill higher and each downward speed faster. Quite a ride. Well now, now that I’ve settled down and the adrenaline has subsided, I may have a clue for the Ninja – although your lawyer will likely know this anyway. The Sprint file you saw is likely in “CSV” format – Comma Separated Variables- the abbreviated explanation is that it considers all entries in alpha format, even numbers. It allows the handling and transfer of information between otherwise non-compatable systems. Most number-crunching systems recognise CSV and can use it as a bridge between otherwise incompatible platforms. You can Google it for more info and how to read a CSV file. I just realized that this story has already played out – so you already know if this is true or not. Sorry. Keep up the good work!

Well Paul, you totally just made my brain hurt with that! Just kidding 😉 It ended up being a different format (thank goodness, because without your help I’m pretty sure that would have ruined me) and I was able to figure it out via some googling… but more on that later!!!!

Yeah, she is definitely not abiding by the unspoken rules of Girl World. And I said it in an earlier comment so I’ll just out myself again here but I totally like the c-word. I’m not sure this crazy biatch is even worthy of it though.

Aussa, you were the victim here. You did not do anything wrong in staying with him. You did not do anything wrong in taking nude photos. I am appalled by this lawyer. As a woman, how can she even pretend for one second to believe these terrible, victim blaming things? This is why I never became a lawyer.

Seriously. Surely she CAN’T actually believe them, right? Who knows. But the fact that she had to employ some ignorant line of thought just to try and win her case is exactly why being a lawyer was not an option. I guess we both prefer to NOT line our pockets by damaging other people.

“How did you get copies of these records?” “I right clicked and hit print.” Haha, well ask a stupid question, Miss Lawyer. I believe that yes she figured you’d be frightened or just ready to get out of there, therefore letting her client win because a lot of abuse victims probably do that. Encountering someone that strong probably did not enter her mind. Oops.

I think you are totally right about her approach. I think she just didn’t even bother putting that much into the preparation because she assumed I would be weak and just as crazy as he made me sound. Woops for her!

And… I’ve thought about it! I want to write a book about the psych ward… and if possible I would interlace this as the plot since it all took place at the same time and in the same place. Who knows, ah!

I’m reading the court series of blogs out-loud to my husband, after I finished reading, he laughed and this is what he said:
“Where was the lawyer even going with that? I mean, even if she proved that Aussa is fearless in the light of day, and wrestling convicts to the ground, that wouldn’t stop her from being afraid of what he’d do if he snuck up on her.
Not being afraid of some things, even crazy things, like if crazy-rambler said she wrestled polar bears–come on you know he would say that if he thought they’d buy it–doesn’t mean you’re not afraid of other things. And being scared of what someone can do to you while you’re sleeping is a reasonable fear, especially when that person is crazy.”

Perhaps you’d be amused to know he followed this by looking sideways at me, cracking a grin. — I’m sure I don’t know what he’s implying about me whatsoever.

Thanks for sharing this mix of crazy&awesome Aussa, you absolutely rock! (And instigate much laughter at stupid-lawyer and crazy-exes expense. XD )

EXACTLY! Your husband is so right! (PS totally cute that you read this out loud to him, and I am beyond flattered) My boyfriend said the same exact thing! Like… if I was this fearless ass kicking ninja that hitchhiked across war-torn Afghanistan but was still frightened of my ex doesn’t that mean he must have done something to scare the SHIZ out of me? Worst. Argument. Ever.

Honestly, it’s just too good not to share… and I laugh too much for him not to get curious. haha

No kidding! Maybe she learned her tactics from TV lawyers too? She could totally apply to be part of the legal team at the hospital, as she’d clearly fit right in.
Besides, if she really believed that are an indomitable ninja, or one woman para-trooper team, then she should have known better than to take you on. 😉

You’re boyfriend clearly could have stomped this lawyer in court. But he’d have to get in line because you were stomping her first.

Noooooooooooo! I was so excited to see the new post, only to have my hopes that I would hear the end of the story dashed! Waiting for resolution is not one of my MANY talents (she says humbly). Seriously, I want to see that bitch and bastard get their asses handed to them!

Hahaha! So sorry Jana, I promise the ending is coming soon 😉 I’m just giving my origin story, you know? We are halfway through, all that remains is “hooker” and “spy.” Oh and a nice little cherry on top that I absolutely CANNOT wait to blog about/possibly illustrate. I’m cackling in anticipation over here, do you hear that?

Seriously. She totally replaced him as the proxy for all his crazy. It’s one thing for him to be totally psycho, delusional, and hell bent on ruining my life but for a professional woman to sink to such lows? Good lord, she could have defended him and upheld his rights to representation and all that crap without playing so dirty.

This was my worst fear when I was gearing up for my court date. I admire your bravery in writing about all this. I was terrified of my intelligence and confidence being used against me to prove I could not have stayed with an abuser. This line of questioning is insulting and victim blaming. I don’t know how you went through all that. I would have stabbed that bitch in the eye with a pen. I am actually really infuriated by this. I cant wait for the conclusion!

I think that a lot of women deal with that worry. It’s bad enough to be looking at your life and thinking “how the hell did I end up here, I thought I was smart?” but to have someone else take up that same argument and use it against you? It totally feels like you can’t win. Victim blaming absolutely happens and people need to be more aware of it so they can spot it and also see it in their own reactions and judgments. And oh girl, I could have done all sorts of things to her with a pen. Wait, did I just say that? Strike that from the record, please.

She sounds like a stand in they rolled in until a real lawyer could be found! Frightening to believe our lives might hang in the balance of numbskulls like that! Don’t know how you cope but I think I might LOSE IT just about now and go NINJA on her ass!!

I should have wrestled her to the ground like an ex-con 😉 Luckily the judge didn’t seem nearly as stupid as Bitch Lawyer or my employer’s attorney who was probably sitting at her table trying to remember her cell phone password. Maybe they got a 2-for-1 Groupon on law degrees or something.

You unequivocally rock.
If I’m ever lucky enough to meet you, first round is on me.

I don’t defend who I am, flaws and all. I just am. Fortunately, I don’t really listen (or care) what anyone other than my wife thinks of me, though I’ve never been in a situation like yours.
And yeah, I would do ethically questionable thins if I thought I had to.

Aw, thank you! There needs to be a big blogger party where we can all get together and trade the unabridged versions of our stories!

I like your take on not defending yourself, and that aspect of your personality definitely comes through on your blog and in the comments you read. It’s a much healthier way to live, that’s for damn sure. If anything, this whole set of experiences, from the trial to the shiz at work, has taught me to place very little importance on other people’s opinions.

I don’t like mean stupid people who think they are smart. I gotta believe you come out on top of this one.
You’re putting this into a book, right?!?
On another note: “You have to fly them in from Kansas or some other random state (no offense, Kansas people)”
None taken, dear Aussa 🙂
I’m eagerly waiting for the next installment!

Hahahaha! I knew there had to be more than a few Kansas people on here. I could think of two off hand, so now you make three 🙂 I like to justify my geography ignorance by considering about 2/3 of the states in this country to be “random”……
And.. maybe a book! Who knows. It’s on the edge of thought… perhaps this Autumn, that’s when I’m hoping to start something new.

Just seeing her frustrated face was enough for me, haha. When the boyfriend and I left, we were silent the whole way out– you have this odd feeling that your every move is scrutinized– but once we got to his car the first thing both of us said was something along the lines of “Woah, she just had a BAD day!”

You know, for us OCD and addictive personality types who have an intense “need to know” (which is why I avoid friends who are into planning me surprise parties or magicians who won’t share secrets!) your compelling blog could become all consuming, like crack. Just write a teeny little bit more tonight so I can read just a little more. But I swear I can quit any time….

From my experience with attorneys the past couple of years, your ex’s attorney is a total dummy that needs to brush up on Women abuse issues and prepare better to serve her jack ass client. The timming on this post is perfect because I will be going through questionning on Wednesday by an attorney that’s exactly like your ex’s who rolls her eyes at my attorney. I don’t understand why they keep up the nasty fighting when it’s clear that their client is a thief or in your case a stalker. I guess they do it for the money. You’re so kick ass and it’s time for a slutty post next week, lol.. Hugs:)

I wish there was a better way for our legal system to uphold justice without revictimization. You really do rock and it’s so impressive how you maintained your cool through all of that AND had the sense to look at those docs and find the pattern.

To answer your question, yes I’ve broken the rules many times as a social worker. Although I would say, I merely found a way to work the system to help a patient. Sometimes it’s just so hard to give a cold answer to someone in dire straights. If there was a way, I found it and gave it to them.

I think it’s a testament to your humanity that you’re willing to stretch the rules for the sake of your clients. I know I’ve been in situations where I’ve been looking to someone for help and seen how they could so easily just do one small thing to help me but the system didn’t allow it. Beyond frustrating.

Aussa, you probably understand better than most that the other party’s attorney wit=ll do everything to twist your words, defame your character and all with an unctuous smile. Yes, I’ve been in a situation where I was on the stand and had to defend myself. I could cheerfully have laid them out and skinned them slowly and willingly served the punishment such was the extreme provocation. It’s been years and I still cannot go into the details of that time. It too almost a decade for me to enter a courthouse let alone a courtrooms and has sent me into the depths of despair. I refused to tell my family what was happening, so I was there alone and had no support – even my stupid barrister wasn’t really on my side. Coming from my background it was even ore traumatic – well it felt so to me, I know that if anything should happen to me the last person I would call is a police officer and that;s very sad. I would rather be beaten to a pulp and have them try to explain that away as my fault. no doun=bt they would try.
Some scars do seem to linger far too long. I have hidden it well until something trigeres the memories. More fool me for reading.
It was an excellent post.
Susan x

Oh Susan, I’m sorry that this brought up dark memories 🙁 Your experience sounds awful and I’m sorry that it ended in such a way that you hold a mistrust for the people who should be protecting and defending you. I wish it weren’t so but it does seem like quite a few people can relate to your experiences. To not have your family with you… has to be the hardest thing, I would think. That’s a good reminder to be a good enough friend or family member that our people always feel safe coming to us when this kind of shit starts flying.
I hope you are doing well and that these memories don’t linger for long.

Many thanks Aussa. In some ways it’s good to be reminded that others, far too many others go through very similar situations. It was my choice to ‘go it alone’ because i knew, only too well, the kind of tactics employed by solicitors and barristers,Q.C’s.. I had no wish to make anyone have to listen to spurious allegations so I didn’t ask. The horror of knowing the court was full was bad enough… the rest is a nightmare for another age, 🙂
It might have been totally different if I hadn’t been ill – car accident, thyroid cancer and the Lymes and Fibro. I think that was the hardest part. Beleaguered from the start lol. All is well.
Susan x

I always want to leave a comment on these posts, but honestly I’m always left speachless. I cannot wait for the next post! I wonder if that sad, bitch lawyer ever gets on a plane to go somewhere “dangerous” other than her own mind.

Reblogged this on The Frontal Lobe and commented:
Part 2: Ninja. If you haven’t read Part 1: Hacker, then you need to visit her blog and read it first (or scroll down, I reblogged it when she first published it.) Frankly you should just follow her.

Go Aussa! YES, I would bend the rules of ethics if it meant the right side would get a chance to win. Oftentimes, I adopt the thinking that karma will prevail and that in the end, the truth will be known. Except if I am in any sort of danger in which case anything goes when it comes to defending myself. Mr. Psycho chose the wrong Ninja to mess with! 🙂

Yeah! I knew I could count on you to be on the ethics-bending side of the debate 😉 I mostly think that karma wins out in the end and that the truth comes out but I like to think of myself as an agent within that process… just helping it along haha.

As I mentioned before, I was on a jury to decide whether or not a man was guilty of violating a restraining order. The closest I came to bending the rules, were that we found him guilty even though there was a reasonable doubt. It was apparent to all of us that the man was dangerous, despite the reasonable doubt. I can’t recall if they were in the same courtroom together, but I think they were brought in at different times.

That is a difficult position to be in, Lori. And I’m more the type to err on the side of trying to make the decision that will prevent someone from coming to harm… as opposed to upholding a legal standard or something. I feel like I deal with these sorts of conflicts at work sometimes on a far less serious basis, where I have to try and distance myself from a situation and make decisions on the basis of some overarching principle. Not my favorite sort of conundrum, that’s for sure.

Haha! There were so many deadpan lines like that… I’ve been on the receiving end of someone who answers all questions as literally as possible and I know it can be super frustrating so I figured I’d give it a shot. Next part… coming soon!

I really shouldn’t read your blog while I’m at work! I don’t know about a book but you could definitely have your own show…”The Life and Times of Aussa Lorens”..I can see it now.
But before that, we need the conclusion of your awesomeness!!

Haha! You know…. I’m actually kind of scared to read my own blog at work because I don’t know what sorts of red flags it might send up in whatever system filters for things like porn, haha. According to my search results a lot of people seem to think I have something extra scandalous to offer when they visit…

Haha! Perhaps, but I don’t think it’s the kind of attention you’ll want 😉 I imagine there are a few disappointed people out there who went online looking for “sexting pics” and came across my brutal tales haha.

re “make it my fault that my abusive ex had sent my naked photos to our coworkers and gotten fired for it.”

This drives me absolutely crazy. I’m amazed at how we see the world through the eyes of the powerful– In this case the eyes of men. Women and men both learn to do this, too. The powerful–whether white, male, rich, or straight, have more access to media, writing laws, Etc. We need to try harder to see the world from all perspectives.

Interesting, how people like her (and I use the term “people” loosely!), can lump together your ability as a fearless traveler, a strong administrator (wrestling or oreo-giving), and your calmness in the face of bullying-lawyer tactics, as somehow translating into also meaning you couldn’t possibly be fearful of a wack-job ex who scares even me, even from a distance, both physically and psychologically–And I consider myself the kind of woman who would take his brand of BS by treating him to a strong left roundhouse with a frying pan to the head…

I have so many things I could think of to say to her, but they all translate to basically– argh! Gotta hand it to you for staying calm on the stand!!

If I was a judge, I would have SUCH a hard time listening to badgering like this!

Right?! Like… when did it become a BAD thing to be a generally bold person? Like… if you claim to have confidence or a sense of adventure then suuuurrrreeeely no one could ever intimidate or frighten you? Right. I’m sure she thinks of herself as an intelligent, confident, and successful woman but I’m pretty sure I could come up with a way to scare the bejeesus out of her….

HAHAHA Right? Maybe she had the hotts for him and was taking it out on me and trying to score points in the courtroom so she could score points in the bedroom, wapow! Talk about bending ethical rules, yuck.

My first roommate in college was a SWF experience, wherein she told all the girls in the hall that she was sleeping with my boyfriend. She’d also told them that some of my clothes and accolades were hers, while saying some of her shortfalls were mine. I didn’t know any of this until she left mid-October. She dropped out to go home, to live with her 30-year-old married boyfriend, who was her boss at Chuck E. Cheese.
She was obsessed with me, and had the strangest way of showing it. Had I not been 18, and still naive, I don’t think I could slept in the same room. Looking back, I don’t know how I managed.
She copied me in every possible way, and she lied about me daily. Eek!

Whaaaat the hell???? Joey this is a WEIRD story. Like, possibly a short story that ought to be written out. She was basically trying to assume your identity and did everything short of making a skin suit out of you while you were sleeping. That is super messed up!

I have to say that this post hit me in the gut for two reasons. One, I was married to an abusive man (for too long) and because we had children together have had to deal with his convoluted thinking and behavior (and watch my kids deal with it because the courts DO NOT protect children) for years.

Two, my sister was married to the ultimate winner (by the way, I have no idea why we both picked POS’s because our Dad was a rockstar husband and father, but extensive counseling allowed me to stop feeling unworthy and to be able to find a good man…but I digress). My sister’s ex is a pedophile. She kicked him out and later found the evidence in her home. She turned it all in to the police and everyone, EVERYONE, was flabbergasted that nothing happened. No arrest. Nothing. I spoke to the Georgian (USA) branch of the FBI personally and they essentially told me they didn’t have time for him because there were men out there actively killing children and until we could prove he’d physically hurt someone then he’d be on the back burner. Never mind that he’d stalked neighbor girls, had photos of students on middle school and high school campuses, and that he’d attempted to kidnap his daughter (who was his “preferred” age at the time – 10 years old). Oh and never mind the death threats, putting dead animals on my sister’s car, or paying people to break into her house in the middle of the night…I could go on. Basically, this spectacular human being is still out there and, unfortunately, is wealthy. This means he can pay attorneys to continually harass my sister. In her divorce trial she was accused of all sorts of things. Eventually (because she’d been harassed and beaten down for years) she gave up every single penny to secure supervised visitation for her children.

So you don’t let that douchebag of an abusive husband and his lawyer get a thing or have you question you are the victim and he is the monster. Monster’s love to make you feel like it was somehow your fault. I no longer feel that way, but I watch my sister (seven plus years later) still kicking herself and feeling like it is all her responsibility.

Whew. Hey thanks for letting me get that out!
All my best and kick butt in court!

Oh my gosh, Chantel. I feel like I relate to so much of what you said, even just outside of the story I’m currently blogging. Dang. What you said about feeling unworthy– I had an incredibly hard time with that… and it’s so difficult to fully explain once you’re on the other side of it but when you’re in the middle of it… it’s like being at the bottom of a well.

I can’t believe all of that about your sister’s ex. That is disgusting. But sadly believable– I had a similar situation with my dad and the police didn’t want to bother with it despite their being evidence.

What you said about him paying people to break into her home and leave dead animals on her car though…. gave me chills. Is that really a thing that other people go through? Because something like this happened to me in college and we could never figure out what was happening. I haven’t even figured out how to blog about it yet but it went on for YEARS. Terrifying years of my life.

Gosh, such awful things that people do to each other sometimes :-/ I’m glad that you and your sister have gotten away from these men though. That’s a hard won victory but not one to ever be taken lightly.

Thanks so much for coming over to here from Michelle’s blog– she’s awesome!!

More? This went on even longer? I mean, as a reader, I’m thrilled, but OMG WHAT A CLUSTERFUCK OF MADNESS! (Is clusterfuck one word or two? These are my problems.)
Her logic was SO hypocritical. What a cold turd of a woman. How can she say that shit and sleep at night?
Idiots. The system is full of idiots. She seemed pretty “confident”. Maybe your ex should harass her next.

I am of the opinion that clusterfuck is one word, but WordPress seems to disagree. What does it know anyway??? And oh yes, it keeps going. Just a bit more and then we can all party when it’s over and burn sage so that it never comes back.

And I would imagine that he probably turned into a nightmare for her in the long run. I mean… I can only speculate but I doubt it ended well…

This bit made me laugh so much – I was prepared to let my eyes shrivel up like raisins and fall out of my face before I’d lose to this biatch – and it’s quite something that this made me laugh because I’m really squeamish about eye things so this should have made me freak out and yet it didn’t! Ha! Absurd lies someone has told about me, ah yes…

Hahahaha I know it doesn’t mean anything but I PROMISE it’s all true. I have an incredible fear of anyone ever calling me a liar so I resist the urge to hyperbolize even when it would make a story all the sweeter. I am thinking I may do a Q&A post down the line and (get tipsy) with Sars or my boyfriend and have them record a vlog with me to corroborate the fact I’m not making all of this up 😉

And! Yes, lawyers are evil. Oops 😉 No– I take it back. Betsy was kick ass so I guess lawyers are just people… half evil, half good.

I’ve always wanted to write a book. I assumed I’d be all for fiction… but then my life got incredibly ridiculous so all the real writing I’ve ever done is the telling of these sorts of stories. I’d like to write a couple memoiry type books (damn, sounds so self-absorbed, doesn’t it?) and then try my hand at fiction… I have stories in my mind but am unsure of whether I’ve got the skill to tell them. It would certainly be an adventure.

I find fiction is a matter of transporting yourself into a person that is not you but that is you. I think you have the chops, certainly, so it’s just a matter of putting a few words down and trying. I would just highly encourage not writing in first person at first, as I find that generally leads back to blogging. Third person really challenges you to find a different voice, though oddly enough it’s the first-person stories I like the best. Give er a shot, I’ll certainly read.

Writing a character that is NOT me sounds challenging and yet so intriguing… when I read a book written by someone with very little (at least demographically, on the surface) in common with their Main Character, I’m beyond impressed.

I like to challenge myself to write from the perspective of people who have nothing to do with me. I think I’m most comfortable there. Writing about myself has always been difficult, and I just adore fiction and stories.

God, I hope so. I keep hoping that by the time I was done with him he finally learned his lesson but this pattern goes back so far it’s almost kind of hard to believe he could stop… at the very least maybe I got a smidgen of justice for those who didn’t stand up to him in the past.

You are awesome!!! Can’t wait for part three! The worst lie – my ex-narcissist at one point claimed that I was hiding gold coins in a bank vault in the Caymans … he really could be delusional at times!

I cannot WAIT until the next installment!! Yes, people sure are special… What a maroon! LMAO.
I had to once defend ALL aspects of my personality – I told a psycho ex-Greek that if he didn’t like the bajillion things he constantly complained about, then he shouldn’t see me anymore. Not that easy – though obviously below his standards, I could look forward to hundreds of “I know you’re home; I see your lights on!” messages on my answering machine every time I had company over or stayed home from work.

Oh my gosh, that is beyond creepy. For a guy to mistreat you and then go all crazy stalker when you leave him? I’ll never understand how that makes sense. Telling you he was outside your house is not okay. I’ve had a couple guys who were like that… it kind of makes you wonder how many have done the park-outside-your-house thing without telling you about it. *shudders*

Have you ever had to defend some aspect of your personality as though it were a flaw? Yes.
What’s the most absurd lie someone has told about you? I was loose. I hit her.
Would you bend the rules of ethics if you knew it would help the right side win? Hell, yes.
BTW – How in the world do you find time to write, respond to these comments and drop by my site? I am in awe.
Also – What a dick.

I want to say this in the least awkward way possible but I don’t find it surprising that you’ve had to defend your personality– you obviously have a kick ass and off-beat approach to life. I admire it, you don’t even know.

I’ve never just outright hit anyone in the face…. maybe someday hahahahaha

As for time… who knows! I wish I was able to read more blogs more frequently but I try to keep in touch with people as often as possible. I don’t have a TV so you guys are all I have for entertainment 😉

Off beat? Moi? I come by it honestly. Have you met my parents?:)
I didn’t hit her in the face… Yes. There. With my foot.
We have Spanish TV. I suggested we keep it on and try to learn from their soaps. TV is off now.

Haha! I’ll admit, the cliffhangers are a bit fun…but they’re also my way of being like “and guess what, this shiz doesn’t end there!” I hope you brought a tent for your sit in, it’s about to get cold roundabouts here, brrrrr!

Way to keep your eye on the prize — I am so proud of you! The best revenge you can get on her is to make her feel the way she is trying to make you feel — stupid, unprepared, and unreliable — and you did just that.

Aussa, like everyone else, I am hooked and can’t wait to hear the rest of the story…

And this lawyer, she exceeds the stereotypical slimy lawyer jokes, but how she can do this crap to another woman, I just don’t understand. There is not enough money in the world to defend this douchebag.

I am eager to hear how this ends! But I can just see and hear you holding to your story and watching the attorney squirm. My son is an attorney, and I’m not against all attorneys, but sometimes I am simply frustrated with our legal system. In my perfect world it would be about getting to the truth, and much less a game of wits. I think I could lie (if I wouldn’t get caught, ha) to advance a just cause. I admire your strength, Aussa. You’re pretty great…hope this story ends well for you!

Thank you! And… it will be over soon enough. At least, this part of it 😉 I don’t have a negative opinion of all attorneys either, though– like you– the entire system makes me a bit uncomfortable as well, especially when it comes down to strategy and not justice.

Haha! FA REAL. I have said many a time that I am living some sort of low budget Lifetime movie where they just keep recycling the same worn out plots but with new faces and random twists here and there 😉 And weirdly enough I just found out tonight that the boyfriend HATES Julia Roberts. He can’t even give a proper explanation, just loathes her. Who loathes Julia Roberts? Hmm.

I just realize the defense’s line of questioning just confirms that your ex is a crazy fucker. If you are fearless and dated a potentially dangerous person that just validates that he is a crazy fucker and you are fearless. It doesnt prove anything else. Why was the judge allowing this line of questioning? Maybe thr judge realized what a loon she is. Educated woman? How can that be debasing? By being an educatee woman she is defending this fuck isnt she? Fucking annoyance.

Oh yeah sometimes “ethics” made a law of state is an idiotic crapshoot. So unfortunately you have to bend them a bit.

People usually call me immature, stupid, talentless and crazy so I know how you feel.

I KNOW! That’s what sort of blew my mind about that entire approach… like… what does it prove, even if I’m some sort of ass-kicking macho woman? That he is scary enough to frighten an ass-kicking macho woman? Not really helping their case there.

The whole thing was a circus and the judge only stopped it a handful of times… I think that she was aware of the fact that regardless of her ruling it was going to be appealed so she wanted to allow as much evidence and questioning in as possible, to have her own back. Not sure– that’s just what some lawyer friends have suggested might have been going on.

Sorry people have called you such things– I don’t know why anyone feels it is okay to make such statements about another person. They really ought to turn all that focus and energy back around on themselves and leave the rest of us alone.

Yeah, I can’t stand malice. When someone crosses over to behavior that is intended to harm another person… it activates the rage center of my brain. The exhibit thing was probably the funniest thing ever. I was all doe-eyed and innocent acting, like “but you just told me to…?” I think the judge may have actually pulled the glasses from her face and tossed them on the desk in front of her.

As you said: HOW had she made it through law school when she always seems to use such illogical thought patterns? But you played your part well by being as unhelpful as possible and not losing your cool. But I just can’t even imagine a lawyer using your propensity to travel alone as a single woman as some sort of ammunition for your psycho ex being innocent. Disgusting.

Oh and I laughed out loud at the claims that you had actually wrested “ex-cons” to the ground. Hahaha you ninja, you! Seriously, how could a lawyer seriously believe that, considering your position in the company and considering all sorts of other things like hospital protocol and such. Wow!!

I mean, I TOTALLY would have wrestled ex-cons to the ground if it weren’t for hospital protocol of course. Riiiight…
If I could have spoken freely I probably would have started by saying “hey look, I’m sorry you’ve never even had the guts to fill out a passport application…”

Thank you. Again, I have to say that I’ve been grumpy and self-pitying plenty of times along the way but yeah… for the most part I feel pretty cheerful haha. I think that as long as you don’t do things that you’ll regret (lie, hurt people, seek revenge) you can weather these darker times and come out okay in the end if you fight for your happiness.

Hey Aussa, It’s still there. It’s weird. I didn’t know you lived in Compton. LOL.
Apparently this product worked wonders for you. At least it is a good picture and complimentary to and of you….If MY picture got stolen, it’d be used in a “DON’T DRESS LIKE THIS” or “Bad hair day EVERYDAY” blog or something…I’d be the “before” a make over pic…the internet CAN be a creepy strange place…..

Ah I totally forgot about this and need to harass them some more. Or perhaps write a post about it 😉 So funny. I went in to work and announced it to my coworkers and they started dying because I’m mildly notorious for saying things like “I’m going to start eating healthier on Monday, except I’m not give up alcohol or icecream and I don’t really want to restrict myself at all.” Hmm… right.

“Aussa Lorens is an expert document forger and professional wrestler who is afraid of nothing. Her hobbies include devising elaborate ruses to prove family members are gay and backpacking across dangerous countries even though the State Department told her not to.”

Girl, you are so good ; )You definitely captured that catch-22 that women in abusive relationships find themselves in: not wanting to be the victim but having to be the victim. It’s set up so you can’t win for losing, unless you have an enlightened judge and astute lawyer. I almost feel sorry for the Bitch Lawyer … what a pathetic way to make a living.

Hey Daniel! Thanks for coming over from Carrie’s, she’s pretty awesome, that one. And– right? That was one of those glorious moments that I couldn’t have planned but that just sort of fell into my lap, like the universe was saying “yes, have fun with this one.”

The fact that your ass clown of an ex found an ass clown of a lawyer is astounding. I cannot wait to read how you verbally take this Bitch Lawyer down. I’m reminded daily by a new co-worker (who is all of ten days old at our company) just how loud my voice is and how it carries over every other sound in the office. Which of course, makes me scream into my phone and at everyone who comes into my office for a chat.

Okay you’ve given me a sudden new theory– maybe they were related?! Seriously, hmm….. maybe he was so broke that he had to hire one of his sisters. I know that he had like 7 sisters (not even exaggerating) and that at least one was a lawyer. HMMMM I should google that biatch. Because it would explain why she was such equal parts crazy and so willing to buy into all of his BS.

That’s awkward about your new coworker– you should remind him/her that new people are only meant to be seen and not heard and that their opinions are not welcome.

See, I’ve actually been on the witness stand and have been cross examined (and it has nothing to do with that body buried in my back yard!) and I would have twisted that poor woman’s head around like a pretzel. For example, when she uses phrases like, “…for almost a year?” That’s an open invitation! It would have gone something like this:

“What do you mean, for almost a year?”

“I mean, for the duration of the [blah blah blah]” (etc.)

“Well do you mean MORE than a year or less?”

[She would have scurried around trying to explain.]

“By ‘almost’ do you mean it was close to being an actual ‘year’ or some other thing or object? Like a car? Or a towel?”

And this would have gone on for a loooooong time!

Also, you’re allowed to “not answer” by saying things like, “I believe that is subjective. Each person is different as is every situation, so asking if I’m intimidated by ‘you’ is irrelevant because I do not know you and you were not there at the time of what is in question.” You know…stuff like that .;0)

Jesus H. Christ! What the f**??? I feel I’m starting all my comments on your case this way 🙂

Your crazy-ass ex and his crazy-ass lawyer deserve each other. This just goes to show that you can get anyone you take a legal case, no matter how absurd it is. Did she really just take her client’s word for everything and not bother to do her homework? What an idiot! Name and shame her!!

Yes! I actually thought of you when it happened, I was like “well, it finally happened, like she said…” It was a post I did just before Christmas called “How To Pass Time At Work.” Of course they FP one of my shallowest posts ever 😉

“Excuse me m’am, but you are fearless and smart, therefore my client must be innocent” has got to be the most asinine line of defense to date, but it sure is entertaining!

As far taking pictures of the Sprint records: Good for you. No one’s going to save your ass better than you; it’s just the way it is. And if you’re fearless and smart enough to ensure that, someone else’s arbitrary “ethics” can take a brief vacation.

I have been reading your blog instead of watching the TV during breakfast for the past couple days. I have to say, its a lot of fun.
You have gone through so much shit in life, and the fact that you haven’t broken down completely and used it for your advantage instead, really speaks volumes about your personality.
love the boss ass bitch attitude!
Keep writing!

The very first sentence of this comment gives me absolute warm fuzzies, I love it. I’ve replaced your morning TV routine, that feels like an accomplishment! Thanks so much for the kind words and I’ll try to keep it up 😉

I noticed that you started following me on Twitter….Thank You! So I’ve been poking around your blog and ran into this story which I’m slowly working my way though. And, OMG…I can so relate on so many levels. I won’t go into it all, because you have so nailed it. So few people experience something like this (well, I hope that’s the case)…that it is really hard for other people to understand that weird psycho/stalker energy thing that happens. So many people don’t believe you, and that even makes you more of a victim.

Thank you so much for writing your story out. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. Argh. I’ve been through something very similar twice, so I relate.

I wonder if ridiculous questions are compulsory. When I went to court I was accused of going to visit my rapist in his place of work “in various disguises”. I had to try not to laugh when I imagined myself channelling Mr Benn. That’s not even considering the fact that when this supposed stalking was going on I was actually detained under the mental health act which would have made it difficult. Another favourite ridiculous “suggestion” was that I had photos on my phone of my sisters taking cocaine and had shown him the pictures. My answer was “My younger sister would have been nine at the time. I’m pretty sure my nine year old sister was not taking drugs. My older sister also doesn’t take drugs but even if she did she would not do it in the presence of her 16 year old sister and I would not take photos of her breaking the law. I didn’t even have a camera phone back then”. When lawyers are coming out with such stupid things it is a sign they have no actual case and they are just grasping at straws to try discredit the victim/witness. Unfortunately in my case the jury were too stupid to understand the evidence and the law is weighted in favour of the defendent (often rightly, their freedom is at risk). I’m pretty sure they would have seen things differently if the fact he had skipped bail and then been found buying drugs (in an area which his bail conditions prohibited him from visiting) had been admissible. Also not turning up to court on the last day until the police started ringing all his family and then claiming he forgot which bus to get on (but remembered for the four days previously…) wouldn’t have looked too good to the jury if they had been allowed to know that. Ugh, yes I’m still pretty angry at the “justice system”. I sometimes think about writing to his barrister and letting him know how some of the things he “suggested” affected me but what with him being a lawyer that probably isn’t too wise lest I get accused of harassment.

Ugh, I would almost say to write the letter. How frustrating. Though I suppose it’s the damned judicial system. Having that sort of information held back from a jury is so frustrating… I’ve read the arguments for why that makes sense and is “right” but it certainly doesn’t always feel right. I’m glad that I didn’t know any of that and just kept blurting things out in the courtroom where the judge couldn’t un-hear them.

That’s so crazy about the little sister drugs and cell phone thing. RIDICULOUS.

I would have slipped certain things in when I was on the stand but I’d be warned I would be in contempt of court and they would have to start all over again with a new jury so it wasn’t really in my best interests. I may well write that letter one day but I will check with my lawyer friends that I am not going to get into trouble first!

Hello, you totally wonderful hum@n being. I have been in court today, as witness for a tri@l ag@inst my ex fiance, who repeatedly @ss@ulted me. I found your blog above before I went to court… apologies for my “a”s… hve spilt ch@mpgne on my keybord… my ex was found guilty on all three counts of @ss@ult… job done… and throughout I kept repeating in my he@d… keep shit together… be as unhelpful @s possible..(! love this!) nd fin@lly, destroy him. I did. I won. Thnx for your inspirtion@l, witty, honest blog… bless you xxxxxxx

I am so glad you won in court, huzzah! Congrats! And I’m sorry your keyboard is busted, though the fact that you spilled champagne on it is rather epic. Seriously, thank you so much for leaving this comment and I’m glad you were as unhelpful as possible– kick ass!

Trackbacks

[…] I was back on the stand. Several other witnesses had testified since I’d been there but I had no way of knowing what they’d said. If I was as much of a Hacker Ninja as they claimed, then I would have returned in the night to bug the place. But alas, I was too busy assuaging my anger with violent Zombie shows and multiple episodes of Revenge—a show about a girl whom I’m pretty sure my ex’s entire legal defense was based upon. […]

[…] in the darkness and to give myself permission to laugh. Because honestly, what’s not funny about an attorney trying to convince a courtroom that I deserved to be abused simply because I have red ha… Tell me it’s not a little funny that I plunged an entire room into awkward silence by talking […]

[…] no idea I was so damn scandalous. I’d apparently managed to sleep with half the hospital, rescue our patients from violent ex-cons, and hack into all sorts of secure databases. I had kicked so much arse that I was starting to […]