4. Matthew Martin first became enthralled by Joseph
Mankiewicz's archly crafted dialogue for ALL ABOUT EVE as a very young boy. By
the time he reached high school, Matthew was well rehearsed and more than ready
to shock classmates and faculty alike with a solo gender-busting performance of
the movie's climactic scene, recreated here, pitting ruthless columnist Addison
DeWitt against ambitious young actress Eve Harrington.

5. Playing GOD, acting GOD and being GOD, of course, can end
up being a BITCH FIGHT between the two major BITCH QUEENS of Hollywood. Davis
on finding out that Crawford would be her co-star said simply: “I’ll claw her
eyes out.”

6. QT queen bee Miss Halperin piddles around with a minor
chapter in her academic QT tome “How To Be Gay” on one of Joan Crawford’s
maudlin dreary-deary movies “Mildred Pierce.”

7. But DT actor, singer, dancer, impersonator of the stars
and performer extraordinaire Mathew Martin in his/her role as Baby Jane in
“Baby Jane” (2010) does just what Bette Davis said she’d do with her
competition in “What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?” (1962).

8. There can be only one GOD. As Mathew Martin archly says
in the “All About Eve” skit with the bitchy drama critic George Saunders
saying: “Your Name is Not Eve Harrington. In fact, honey, you could never be
another Eve Harrington even if you tried!!!”

9. Bette Davis claws Joan Crawford’s eyes out—up the stairs,
down the stairs, in the cellar with the rats, and especially while doing “A
Letter to Daddy” with Victor Buono as Edwin Fagg in front of her rehearsal
mirror downstairs in the living room.

10. Bette Davis eats up the scenery. Isn’t that what GOD
does? She hogs up the attention of the moviegoer like a Grande Dame Guignol
Goddess—leaving the sob-story, saccharine, put-upon tear-jerker scenes to whiny
Blanche upstairs ringing her buzzer madly.

11. Bette Davis even does a perfect version of Joan Crawford
herself on the phone—impersonating Blanche to the drugstore manager who’s
reluctant and hesitant to grant Baby Jane anymore deliveries of booze.

12. The tensions involved between Drag Theory vs. Queer
Theory in regard to Hollywood—involves a much more detailed delineating of the
various filmic aspects of attempted camp impersonations of GOD than just the
aforementioned Blanche-Baby Jane clawing-the-eyes-out conflicts or Miss
Halperin’s rather stingy, paltry pronunciamentos on simply one gay classic
“Mildred Pierce” (1945).

13. For one thing, honey, a gay film noir classic like
“Mildred Pierce” may be good enough for minor QT film discussions in TV
Guide—but really my dear. Fag noir has come and gone, along with that whole
dreary genre of noir femme fatales and heartless anti-heroines. QT queens wise
up!!! Try to be more Moderne, my dears.

14. For example, there’s a whole sub-genre of Grande Dame
Male Guignol stars just waiting in the DT wings—like Rex Harrison and Richard
Burton in that exquisite hairdresser flop of a movie entitled “Staircase”
(1969). Yes, as the credits unroll and get smaller & smaller as the
Staircase ascends the sky to GOD—there’s a drag queen angelic choir singing sad
laments for the poor old queens left back down there suffering away in their
hellish Earthbound Str8t Existence, what a tacky terrible Fate!!!

15. Drag, darlings, doesn’t have to be flamboyant, kitschy,
cute, klutsy, bungling “Some Like It Hot” Burlesque—nor does it have to be
exquisitely sophisticated Marlene Dietrich “Blue Angel” cabaret camp.

16. A perfect DT moment approaching GOD in a very minor
day-to-day bourgeois way—would be the scene in “Staircase” where Miss Burton
and Miss Harrison are in their beauty parlor shop. Doing what a married couple
of male Hairdressers do their whole lives—nonchalantly giving each other a
morning shave and little touch-up.

17. Such a DT moment approaching GOD in its quite ordinary,
down-to-earth, ever so subtle, touchingly simple, Dainty Domesticity way—would
be how nonchalantly Miss Burton and Miss Harrison flip the barber’s apron
around each other, tying it delicately at the neck, doing the delicate
shave-cream and razor-routine, a little clip here, a little clip there, nothing
extremely flamboyant enough to qualify for Drag, my dears, other than treating
each day as just another minor step in the Stairway to Heaven above?