7 pages later of people justifying sending kids regularly on pd but sniffy at the thought of returning the favour. That's using .Don't want to do pd then don't but don't send your kids umpteen times without returning as it's rude to the parents and the child who wonders why X won't allow him to come over. There aren't any excuses bar death, new baby or serious illness that warrants that behaviour

i hope im not a user ha! i think thats reading into it too much. do u not get a break when yours at a friends? i do and i make the most of it. sometimes its nice you get time with your other child if sibling is out.

Eta: if you use the time to do chores you are a user? So if you use the time to shop what are you? Or have a coffee?!Nobody is using anybody else, I didn't think there was a certain thing you should be doing in order to qualify for playdates....I have two kids over this friday. I dont give a fiddlers what their mammies are doing and if it is chores i don't feel like a babysitter.

Ah lordi -fiona is not saying she uses childrens friends parents as childcare so she can do chores!!!Sure what do we all do when our kids aren't about? Chores, shopping, sitting on our backsides drinking coffee....call it what you want it doesn't matter! Why call it anything?

I think its mutual benefit.Kids happy, i get some time to do my stuff whatever it may be. Or if i have a gang over in my house my lot are equally entertained and i can potter about sorting the house.Im not a hands on crafty lets do crap playdate mammy, i feed them and leave them to it in house or garden.I dont expect return invites every time but in a couple of instances where i have had children 5 or 6 times and no invite back for mine i've stopped. I ain't no babysitter ;) or a mug for that matter either!!!

I think you are missing the point a bit. These playdates are not for your benefit, they are for your child's. But if that is the understanding that parents are working under, ie, I will host a playdate and then have it reciprocated so that I can get housework done, then no wonder some parents get uptight if they are not returned.

I never did them when they were small. My youngest is now 8, so I reckon I probably started having his friends over in the past year to 18 months. Any younger than that, I just preferred to meet mums at play centres and parks with their kids.

The only thing you have to do in life, is die. You do not have to have children over just because you feel their is an implied social contract. There is no such thing.

If some mammy is keeping count, you will quickly know when the invites stop. But a lot of mammies really don't care and just want the peace that comes with their kids having their friends to play. (or else my kids just have really nice friends, because when they are over, I only see them when they need food).

Dd is in a small country school so kids have to visit each other to play . There is no opportunity for going out on the green to meet up as they are dispersed around the area. Its seen as part of school life and it happens most friday afternoons. My dd had two girls to play last friday afternoon, her friend and her friends cousin. As far as I'm aware nobody keeps count, I certainly don't . DD has friends from the year above and below as well as her year. DD is 10 and nowadays she asks a child during the week or vice versa and then I text the mum. I never do play dates at weekend nor has dd been asked, its usually only parties. I work school hours mainly so its no problem. Some fridays during good weather a few families will get together and take the kids on a picnic or a walk. Never seemed forced to me , just part of school life. DD has friends outside of school and on our small estate too that she plays with as well. Most of the responders live in urban areas, its totally different outside of cities/towns/villages.

I think there are some instances, particularly if you live in a rural area, where you have to structure it a little bit. Its one thing if a child knocks in and nobody is there, they just go home. If they live a few KMs away, they need to know when you are there, and that there is somebody to keep an eye out, wipe a skinned knee and to supply drinks etc.

But after that, it should be treated like a kid from the street knocking in. Nothing special, no special treats and the same food provided as would normally be. And if it is not returned, I don't think that it means the non returning child is less secure. For children, it is about getting to play with their friends, and it is one of the occasions where location does not matter. I will be honest, I am happier that some of the parents do not return the invite as they live on busy farms and my children would just not be wise to the risks.

Fenway, It's not about needing them. If we all only did what was needed, life wouldn't be half as enjoyable. For the child, it's about growing up knowing that their friends are welcome in their home and their parents are welcoming towards their friends. Imo that breeds confidence and I don't mean an arrogant confidence but rather a secure confidence. Aside from that overview, at the child's immediate level It's just an opportunity to have unstructured fun outside of school with their actual friends (I had a couple of ds's schoolfriends here a few days ago when the weather was very hot. They got out the garden hose and drown each other. They didn't need to be in our backyard but judging from their roaring laughing they enjoyed themselves.) On an average green kids will usually be different ages, sexes, types and typically play with each other out of convenience but schoolfriends they often have for life yet people are too busy to facilitate their get togethers. Doesn't have to be every minute either. A few times a year should be no big deal. I'd say even the CEO'S of Forbes listed companies could manage that.

And as for being uptight, people aren't uptight just because they aren't braindead. Of course they will notice the flow of traffic coming one way all the time same as you would notice if someone happily let you do all the driving to outings you both attended but never offered a return lift and never gave any explanation either. .

I don't really get when people say that their kids don't need to do playdates as they have loads of company on their street/ green. What has that to do with friendships at school ? At school having great friends makes the years spent there alot more enjoyable. Now a child will either find it hard to make friends in which case a playdate can helps things along or if a child easily makes friends, surely they would like to play with their school mates outside of school in each other's houses. We live on a big green with lots of kids but past the age of about 7 or 8 I found while mine were happy to play with the kids out there they would choose their school friends over them every time. And from what I observe that seems common with the other children also. I would have thought that when kids have proper friendships with classmates it would be unreasonable to not allow their friends over from time to time so what happens the excuse of busy lifestyle or enough kids on the road to play with then.

My ds got asked on a few playdates by his best friend. We asked him back once. He came and seemed to enjoy himself. When I asked ds about asking him over again DS said he didn't enjoy here as they played outside all the time!. We don't have a PS or Xbox here. So what can you do then.I only offered last week to invite him over as I feel bad about not returning the playdate. But DS siad no. This child has a PS which they play with aswell as outside at his. Im trying to ascertain whether they are still best friends. They're in 1st class. DS loves football and the friend not at all. So think friendship maybe fizzling out a little.Playdates are a pain the arse if you ask me!

Yeah but wouldn't it be a nice thing to do to invite that little girl back Ruby36? It probably wouldn't be any hassle for you. She could come over and play outside with your kid. And most likely she'd be delighted to get the invite.

my friend coaches a team so never got into them. i agree they can be hassle. found them stressful when girls small. would ask you at your busiest can x come over!! i do summer sleepovers now as one mam v good and she took mine too. after school not as much as daughter in alot sport now so was hard to plan.

Thankfully we do not need playdates as my children have plenty of children on the road they play with everyday. They come in and out of our house throughout the day so always lots of children around here. They see their friends in school so we don't need playdates and they don't ask. Admittedly I don't like playdates, it starts this game of keeping scores of who was where when and who is asking next. I haven't time for that messing. My children have sports afterschool among other things so I couldn't be inviting other children over anyway.

Life for us is a lot easier with the casual knock on the door from the kids on the road and they all have loads of fun without me feeling like i've to pay anyone back!

What bugs me is when you've had a child over for a playdate and the mother (or person collecting) says to your child "Oh, we'll have to have you back" but then doesn't follow through. Happened 3 times with one particular child's mother that we'd had over. I invited her over because my daughter wanted to have her over and the mother was delighted for her daughter to come to ours, In fairness the child was absolutely no problem to have over and the kids played great together, but it was just the promise of the invite that never came. Very selfish and rude. I don't think you should promise a child something several times and not follow through.

I do think there's an air of arrogance from some of the posters here. It's almost as if they feel they're doing someone a favour by allowing their child to go on a playdate but would never even consider inviting back, because they couldn't be bothered! I think the analogy of the person who allows you to buy them a drink but doesn't offer to buy one back is a good one!

I think there's always some middle ground between what's expected of us and what we'd prefer to be doing. On the whole to allow your child on playdates and NEVER recriprocate, not even once in the year, is bad manners. I don't do them often and some kids are easier to have around than others... but I do think they can be important. It's a delicate matter and a hard one to be objective about... but in some respects, if two children have decided they want to be friends and spend time in each other's company... who are we to decide that the kid next-door is a better bet? Is that not getting more involved in schoolyard politics? If that is the approach, it's basically the parents who are snubbing the other kid, for whatever reason... Is it not?

But we're not saying if your asked you have to go, it's when a parent sends their kids for pd regularly with no effort for a return visit. I said in my first post I am happy to let it slide for the kids sake. I have had a request asked twice by me turned down so I left it.Your forgetting the point about parents who don't mind sending kids to pd but not interested in return. ...that's the bugbear

I remember having a child in our neighbourhood every week for hours on end and although I am very fond of him I ended up feeling like an unpaid childminder. We hadn't asked him for playdates, he just wandered in and we ended up looking after him, sometimes for a 4/5 hour stretch.

Meanwhile his mum would saunter up to the door dressed up to the nines and I would be there with my hair standing on my head from trying to keep him from mischief.

They have since moved away but I guess PDs are like all relationships - its important to have some give and take. And its not about politics - it basically boils down to manners, as someone else pointed out

Well I think the tone from the no pd posts here insinuates that expecting a return offer is petty and small minded. That's a little unfair. I don't keep count and don't expect like for like BUT I have noticed the ones who NEVER return the pd and sometimes it's for no other reason that they can't be bothered. Fair enough just don't send yours if you don't want to.As for constantly saying no , just explain it's not something you want to get into. I did this for sleepovers;, I allow one during the summer and 1 return. That's it.Fenway your example of your friend over for coffee, fine to have a couple in a row in your house but do you not think your friend would start getting pissed off if you can't be bothered to go to her and save her the trip? Again it's about effort for someone else's sake

Tbh smurfette, I actually hadn't thought of the other side of being rude to decline and I can see what your saying. Nobody is saying keep scores or pd for pd but it's nice to be asked back even if it's only 1 in 5 occasions. It's the effort not the quantity, a bit of thought for the other mum (which it usually is ) and give her a break

I am a bit shocked that this thread is still going. If one of mine had asked to have a pal over for a playdate I wouldn't have given a fiddlers whether or not they were invited back to that childs house. Certain houses are always deemed more fun - ours was because we have animals and lots of space outside and full sized football goals. They are all teenagers now and they arrive on their bikes.

if you say you don't do them people won't invite yours over (generally) but people don't say that as they actually like having their kids invited over while feeling morally covered by the mantra that you "don't do play dates" in your own head

But to say nothing and just keep accepting and never reciprocating... I am stunned that people think this is a perfectly acceptable way to behave to be honest.

if someone invites me over I am inviting them back and that goes for pretty much everything. I don't keep score and it might not always be immediately or like for like but I wouldn't dream of going to someone's house say for dinner time and time again and never invite them back

I wouldn't decline if I couldn't pay back but I think a quick chat with the mum to say you just don't have the free time to do it back . BUT there is no way that every day of every weekend you couldn't just give an hour or two to return the favour , I mean once or twice a year is not near impossible. If you don't return because it's something you just don't like doing then be honest with yourself and don't send yours to others as that's taking liberties. Otherwise suck it up once or twice during the year.

i be cringing if it got one sided and they always took my child. Just my own opinion. I do their homeworks/dinner as my own daughter would be doing hers. Its a bit take take if you never have theirs back! I understand with mams working its not easy though. Some weeks are v busy.

I have no issues people not doing them but to accept invitation after invitation without returning the favor is extremely bad manners. But these are the same people who think others are petty for thinking it is rude not to answer a party invite

Fair enough if you have the conversation upfront that you don't want or are not in a position to do them, then the person asking can make up their own mind about continuing to offer but anything else is totally classless

The term "play dates" to me is equivalent to someone dragging their nails along a blackboard constantly.

I of course have had kids to our house to play but no big deal about it, setting up weeks in advance, 101 texts about the do's and don'ts. It would be a spur of moment thing initially coming from 1 of our kids first before ide would come to me. And I never expect it to be returned.

see this is why I hate them, the bloody politics of it all. " ive had your child over 3 times , it's your turn" I see your taking such and such home after school but I took your child home last week" God would you be arsed at all. As for play dates at the weekends now that's a whole new level of absolute madness.

my ds is an only child so playdates have always been important for him. He has developed good friendships and we have gotten to know parents this way so its great. We do them at weekends as lots of activities and homework during the week. I love the energy and fun of kids and their funny little chattering - its nice to get to know them.

Having said that, last year I did invite one little pal over lots of times but got fed up with it as it wasn't returned.

And I totally agree with your point Goodenough no-one's time is more precious than anyone else's. Nowadays there is glorification and competition of busyness - I hear it all the time and its so annoying - but I think that's for another thread ;)

I don't keep strict track of give and take either as I know some people have circumstances going on that make playdates difficult as one poster put it,

But I do think if you've invited a child over 4/5 times and its not reciprocated then its the same as someone accepting a drink from you in the pub and never buying it back - its not good manners and you do start to feel like a glorified babysitting service - at least babysitters are paid ;)