Greetings, chefs! I hope this important press release finds
you healthy and happy. With the holidays fast approaching, it’s time for us to
gather our loved ones for feasting and merriment and yes, even blogging! I’ll
be busy updating my extremely popular Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Ello,
Pinterest, Tumblr, Yelp, Youtube, Friendster, Myspace, Friendtube, Friendpage,
Facetube, Youface, Mytube, Myface, and Mypage accounts. This is where you come
in!

Word of mouth is very important to restaurants, and if you
want your menu to go “viral,” it helps to have social networking connections.
And nobody has more social networking connections than me. So in order to help
your restaurant out during the busy holiday season, I’m proposing an
astonishingly generous offer. My family needs a delicious, 21-course Christmas
tasting menu, and you need the publicity only an advanced, level 46 blogger with
a Dwarvish Laptop +1 vs Undead, can provide.

So here’s the deal. I need a table at your restaurant on
Christmas day for twelve of my closest friends, along with my wife Lucretia and
my children Jynnyfyr, Arugula, Sage, Frank Bruni, Jr., Princess Tam Tam, and
Cornelius. You provide me and my guests, free of charge, with five drinks each
and an original, off-menu Christmas feast. In return, I photograph and live
tweet the entire meal, and promise to post at least three photos to Instagram,
as well as a blog post and a Facebook post detailing the wonderful meal.
Now I know what you’re thinking: who cares about Facebook?
It’s just for tolerating your aunt’s complaining about Obamacare and stalking
your high school girlfriend and wondering why she married Brad, right? And
Twitter, isn’t it just a bunch of mansplaining sandwiched between photos of
cats and out-of-place ads for Northrup Grumman? Not so. My Instagram account is
followed by over 100 people! I have literally tens of Facebook friends! My
twitter feed is seen by 50,000 followers, at least twelve of whom aren’t porn
bots!

This literally is the opportunity of a lifetime, an event as
momentous as the construction of the pyramids or the Apollo Program or the
opening of a new In-N-Out. Don’t let it slip away. If you weren’t planning on
being open for Christmas, that’s okay; I’m sure your line cooks and waiters
will be excited to serve us, considering how important this dinner will be for
your restaurant’s future!

But wait, there’s more! If you throw in a bottle of at least
25-year-old-port, I will publish my review of the dinner in Papyrus font!
Christmas never tasted so classy.

This is an innovative and effective way for your restaurant
to reach several foodies on one of the most competitive nights of the year.
Don’t miss out!