One of the art classes I model for takes place in a church basement. Last time I worked there, the instructor told me I’m not allowed to change in the bathroom anymore – and that for bathroom breaks I need to put my pants on under my robe – because some other model was wandering around in there half-naked and people saw this and got offended and told the higher-ups.

And I guess I’m kinda slow because that’s the first time it occurred to me that my line of work probably attracts people who kink on public nudity.

On some level, I do kind of enjoy the naked aspect of my job – but as I’ve said before, I like it because it’s completely divorced from sexuality. And the “OMG people are seeing me naked and still treating me like a goddamned person” factor is just one part of my job’s appeal. I like the low responsibility (I just have to show up on time and sit there!), I like that I’m getting exercise and learning about art, I like that it pays pretty well, and I love seeing people’s drawings of me. If life modelling were typically performed with clothes on, I’d still do it in a heartbeat.

It strikes me as a tiny bit sketchy (no pun intended) for an exhibitionist to model for drawing classes. Yes, the artists consented to seeing the model naked, but they didn’t consent to turning that person on/contributing to their fantasies/etc.! And the church people who share that bathroom with us didn’t consent to any nudity, so that other model should not have disrobed in there. But they did, and now the church people are watching us all extra hard and I feel like my plaid flannel robe might as well have “potential perv/criminal” embroidered across the back. I hate it.

Exhibitionists are an interesting bunch. I can’t relate to the idea of being turned on by being watched at all. I can see how it could be nice to have someone checking me out and clearly thinking I’m hot, but the thought isn’t arousing to me, just an ego boost. I was thinking maybe exhibitionism is that feeling of flattery only somehow boosted further until it’s more like arousal, but upon reflection I realize that exhibitionism isn’t always about people finding you attractive at all. It’s just about provoking a reaction, and sometimes that reaction is disgust.

When I was married, my then-husband and I lived with a roommate who was an exhibitionist. This guy was not particularly conventionally attractive (obese, tiny penis) but he would go to the nearby woods and sunbathe naked in places where he might get caught – and would tell Ex and I about all his near-misses with obvious glee. It was clear from his phrasing that he wasn’t thinking people who stumbled over him would find him attractive – he just loved the thought of shocking people. He seemed particularly obsessed with being “caught” by moms with little kids, I think because it felt like he’d be “corrupting” them more than it would if other men came by.

A few years ago, I made friends with a guy online who was not my physical type at all – and I told him so. Really, he would’ve known it anyway; we met on a forum where I was talking about my love of skinny, effeminate men, and he definitely didn’t fit that mould. One night we were talking on MSN – him on webcam and me not* – and he was like “I need to get up and get something from another room, but I’m naked. Did you want me to turn the camera off?” I was like “Nah, I don’t care” and started browsing a humour site to bide my time until he came back and resumed our conversation. Then I saw movement in my peripheral vision: the cam window was still open off to the side of my screen and he was gyrating at me.It’s possible he somehow mistook “nah, I don’t care” for “I am actively interested in seeing your penis!” but I don’t think so – I think he just got off on being seen, whether I liked what I saw or not.

Now, I guess I can sorta see how it would be fun to provoke shock and disgust like my roommate did (though not with my naked body, thankyouverymuch!). Getting off just on being seen, even if the watcher is totally indifferent? That, I can’t relate to on any level at all.

Willow is a self-proclaimed exhibitionist, and says for him the kick comes from the idea that he’s turning other people on. Minx was the same way – I don’t think he ever articulated it, but 500+ sexy pictures of him on my hard drive (and one video of him stripping) can’t be wrong. I loooooove that type of exhibitionist (provided they ask what sorts of visuals turn me on rather than assuming). I feel like most guys expect women to be porn for them and it doesn’t even occur to them to reciprocate**, so having a guy go out of his way to visually please me is a breath of fresh air.

Willow, by the way, is currently visiting his primary partner in New York but I think he’ll be back by mid-week. He claimed that he would hang out with me when he got back, and I hope this actually happens. I don’t think I feel attracted to anyone very often (I find lots of people aesthetically pleasing but it’s fairly rare that I have that hunger to reach out and touch them) but by the end of our one coffee date, I was picturing what it would feel like to yank his head back by a fistful of hair. He has…really good hair for grabbing.

Oh, I forgot to mention, The Pedant told me the other day that if he had his own place he’d be naked all the time. I didn’t know that about him – he’s naked all the time when he’s here, but I thought that was a practical matter – he wants to keep his clothes free of Bastardcat fur. Hell, maybe in his own place it would still be a practical thing. One reason I’m almost always naked around the apartment is that it seems silly and wasteful to generate dirty laundry when there’s nobody around to be dressed for. I think The Pedant and I might be classified as nudists.

As much as I love the idea of an attractive guy vamping for my viewing pleasure, I also love the idea of The Pedant wandering around his hypothetical apartment by himself, naked solely for his own enjoyment.

It’s possible I just like hot naked boys. 😛

*Which should’ve been my first clue that he was an exhibitionist, I guess…

**For instance, I’ve had a ton of partners ask/whine for me to wear lingerie, and maybe three who thought to ask what I’d like to see them wear. And let’s not forget those guys on FetLife who are actively seeking partners, but fill their profile with pictures of hot naked women and not one picture of themselves.

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4 responses to “Exhibitionists”

I always describe myself as an exhibitionist, but it’s much closer to Minx’s variety– when I’m in a subby mood, I like the feeling of being “positively objectified” , and when I’m feeling dominant, it’s a control thing : “I decide what you see, and you have all these delicious reactions that you can’t do anything about” … But either way, it’s still really, really about the other person, if you get me. The “flasher” type of exhibitionist I have met a few times professionally, and it always strikes me as a form of narcissism, in the sense that the inner, private world of your sexuality trumps what might or might not be going on around you (most of the people I met who were like that did specifically get off on disgusting anyone with their nakedness, it’s just that the actual reaction couldn’t overcome the volume of the inner fantasy of massively turned on viewers.)

I find it a bit shocking that most people don’t walk around their own homes naked or half-naked all the time. Maybe it’s to do with growing up in Florida and only having air conditioning sometimes: my whole family used to lounge around in tank tops and boxer shorts and giggle at my mother for getting dressed and made up. The idea of putting on pants if one is not expecting company or going out into the world is just confusing.

I’ve been called an exhibitionist a number of times. I deny it: the idea of being “caught” or seen by anyone who didn’t consent to be involved is horrifying. I’d hate to surprise and upset someone with nudity or sex. But I’m not shy about public nudity where appropriate (clothing-optional pools, the local BDSM club) and love outdoor sex (but manage it rarely because what if there are innocent passersby?) Kinking on just being seen naked though? Eh. Don’t get it.

My family wore clothes around the house when I was growing up, but then again we didn’t live in Florida. I always preferred to wear little or no clothing, though (before I started getting weirded out by my dad’s creepy sexual comments, anyway…but that’s a whole other story).

In summer, when I was little, I’d always want to go around topless like boys did (my mom generally allowed this). And I remember a phase where I decided underpants were too constricting and would take them off the minute I was left unattended (I must have been young enough that my mom would dress me; otherwise why would I have been wearing underwear in the first place, if I hated it so much?). My mom would find them lying on the floor wherever I shed them and find me and make me put them back on. At age 14 or so I stopped wearing those stupid contraptions and I’ve never looked back. And it took me til age 17 to wear bras on a regular basis because a) I was a late bloomer and b) I hated the constricting feeling of those, too.

I think half the reason I’m a nudist is that I have sensitive skin and maybe kind of a weird body that clothes don’t comfortably fit. 😛