Monday, January 23, 2006

Rove 'Puts On A Show' at the RNC

Karl Rove made a surprise appearance last Friday at the Republican National Committee.An RNC member, who was live-blogging the event for his site Blogs for Bush, declared “Karl Rove is in the house!!!” He then had to excuse himself for a few minutes while he pounded one out.

Yes, Rove is back, after months of staying out of the spotlight amid scrutiny in the CIA leak investigation. He is back to show the Republicans the way to pay dirt, again, in the 2006 elections, attempting to lead them to their third consecutive electoral victory in as many tries.

“Just give me the ball,” he said, moments before taking the floor. “Just feed it to me inside and I’ll take it to the hole.”

Rove looked rested and in great shape as he bobbed his head from side to side, dancing on one foot and then the other. He jogged onto the court to a thunderous introduction. Then, in a dramatic display, took an in-bounds pass and executed a behind the back slam dunk causing the capacity crowd of Republicans to erupt.

“It was great. It was so great,” one RNC member commented. “I haven’t been this excited since The Ultimate Warrior made a surprise appearance at Wrestle Mania 6. I was there, man. First that, and now this? Rove, baby. We got Rove. Game over.”

After wowing the crowd with a few more dunks and perfunctory three point shots, he jogged down the tunnel to the locker room, not before tossing his jersey to a young Republican in the stands.

In the post-exhibition press conference Rove was in rare form. “You ever seen the Globetrotters? Well that’s what the Republicans are. We’re the Globetrotters. You hear me? And the Democrats are the Admirals. And you know how that turns out, every time. Just give me the ball, baby. I’m ready.”

He also revealed his new Superman tattoo on his left bicep. “See that there? See that ‘S’? That means I’m powered by the yellow sun, baby. It’s over. I'm the straw that stirs the drink, and I want the Stallion! I want the Stallion!” He pointed into the camera attempting to coax the Democrats out of hiding.

Look for the Republican game plan to include a lot of inside play with Rove pounding and fouling away in the paint at the Democrats. “They’re soft,” he said. “They’re soft on defense. I’m on going to show the world. I’m going to shake up the world, baby.”

The only Democrat who can match Rove’s offensive might is the testy Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee. In order for Dean to be effective he will have to kick his nasty habit of fouling out early in the game. He will have to try to guide the Democrats to victory, matching Rove’s cunning and muscle.

Dean spoke to reporters after a recent Democratic practice. “I know I have to keep my cool. They’re going to come at me, inside. They’re going to jab, and elbow, and hack, that’s just how they play. They’re like the Pistons with Bill Lambier. But I’m going to stay calm, find their weakness, and exploit it.”

Yes, this looks to be an intense battle of attrition between a team full of high powered players and home court advantage (The Republicans) and a group of disrespected underdogs with something to prove (The Democrats).

“They’ve got Rove and Cheney. The twin towers. It’s like playing against Shaq and Kareem. They’ll get the ball often, and they’ll just run you over,” commented an energetic Dick Vitale. “The Democrats are going to have to stay out of the inside and work the perimeter. They’re going to have to pass the ball around until they find the hot hand and then let that person take over. You know, just like in that movie, “Hoosiers”, it’s time for the Dems to ruin the picket fence play.”

What this all means in terms of actual political strategy for the Democrats remains anyone’s guess. But limbering up and preparing to do battle are Russ Feingold, Barbara Boxer, and the sweet shooting Hillary Rodham Clinton.