Amazon Announces World Domination in 2020

Photo by Aksonsat Uanthoeng from Pexels

Does anyone know when Amazon is supposed to take over the world? Is it schedule for this year? I mean I think it would just be nice to know, you know? It would be helpful for all of us to be able to plan. The only decent thing to do would be just to give us all a heads up.

There’s a story about a frog and a boiling hot water pot. Have you heard it? If you have, don’t spoil it for the three people who’s haven’t. It goes on to say the frog jump in the pot when the water was room temperature. Then as the water started to heat up, the frog thought, oh wow this is really nice. I’ve been needing a lovely sauna break, he thought. But then the temperature keeps climbing, eventually reaching 234 degrees fahrenheit (or whatever temperature water boils at) and the frog is boiled alive from the inside, never thinking to jump out. He just gets use to the new normal.

So, please, Amazon, don’t boil us slowly, let us know. You could put out a nice open memorandum to the world. You’ve probably already been floating one around the Amazon offices there. The memo would read something like this:

On July 16, 2020, We here at Amazon will be taking over the world. We would appreciate — nay, demand — your continued support. Thank you.

See? Is that so hard. Now, I know I have like 18 months to get my shit together and get some stuff done.

First, I have to clean the garage. Nobody wants to be embarrassed when the new overlords show up and you look like a hoarder because you still have twenty empty Amazon boxes lying in a dusty corner that you always thought you would reuse, but in your heart, you knew you wouldn’t because there would always be more empty Amazon boxes. That would be completely unacceptable.

Anyway, thanks for the warning Amazon. I look forward to getting all my essentials — food, housing, insurance, oxygen — from you in the future.