Food is the New Porn

It started innocently enough, like a pre-pubescent discovering his first Playboy. I was running on the treadmill at the gym, flipping through the channels on the built-in screen when a cooking show batted her eyelashes and smiled a smoky come-hither that couldn't be denied. She teased with her butter. Tempted with her heavy cream. Seduced with her chocolate creation... a concoction so sinful it should have been wearing do-me stilettos and silky black stockings. The thought of eating all of those virtual calories while I was burning real ones had a twisted masochism to it.

A few months ago, when I wasn't looking, a couple of fiendish fat cells decided to invite some friends over for a party, "Hey the brain's out of town, she won't notice. Come over and we'll rage." It turned out to be quite the kegger. Sadly, no one called the cops. Neighboring organs, muscles and arteries suffered in silence. Thousands of fat cells came for the beer pong and stayed for the good schools and low crime.

Eviction is a bitch...

"Yeah, let's hang out, definitely come over and bring the beer and I'll watch you drink it. It'll be like porn. I may force you to eat some popcorn and Pringles. Or is that too kinky for you?"

She laughed, "I'll even dress up like a pizza delivery guy if that will help."

Good friends are there for you through thick and getting thinner. They can make anything bearable... even the wet dreams about pasta and wine.

I have been watching a ton of cooking shows lately and even like the Man V. Food type stuff. Only problem? I end up with my ass hanging out of the pantry trying to figure out how to mainline sugar. Such a problem.

Most of the women on the planet would kill for your ass, J... so cut yourself some slack. And have you tried Stevia? It's a gajillion times sweeter than sugar and since it comes from a plant -- not a single calorie. Your local health food store/hippie haven should carry it.

About Me

Get your Smite on! Sassy, snarky urban fantasy writer. Former TV vixen and teenage diplomat. Addicted to glittery-glam lip gloss. Hates driving in the snow, so moved to Colorado. The things you do for love...