Chico the Chimp, a chimpanzee who has represented the constituency of Fife South as a Labour MP since 1997 could be set to lose the party’s safest Scottish seat, according to the latest opinion polls which suggest that his majority of over 23,000 at the 2010 General Election is set to be overturned by the SNP in the May 7th general election.

31 year-old Patrick Clark became infuriated today by the extreme selfishness of his wife, Hannah, during the birth of their first child. He claimed that she was ‘totally self-absorbed’ and ‘unwilling to cooperate rationally’ throughout most of the high-intensity contractions.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced plans for a referendum on whether Liberal Democrat MPs should be allowed to vote on English issues. Mr Cameron said the referendum, to be called ‘The General Election’, will stop Liberal Democrats MPs voting on English issues in Parliament after they lose their seat.