Mommy, Daddy, Stop Fighting

Four points a child wished her parents knew about fighting.

At the conclusion of a lecture on shalom bayit – how to create peace in one’s home, I asked the audience if they had any comments or questions. A hand shot up in the back. It was the teenaged girl who had come to help set up the room for the program.

“Everything you said tonight is true,” she said. “Especially what you said about the fighting. If only my parents were here to hear your words. I get so upset, sometimes even frightened when there is all this arguing going on in our house. I wish I could tell this to my parents. So all of you sitting here tonight, please take this message home. ”

Here, then, is this young teen’s wish; perhaps her parents may be reading this article. There are too many kids out there who cannot express themselves but hope that perhaps their parents can come to a better place of understanding.

1. Stop Fighting in Front of Us

Our family is in chaos. Behind the social mask we wear we are disconnected. Whenever you fight it makes us feel vulnerable. We know that it is not possible to always get along, but why can’t you disagree with dignity? Why can’t you have your discussions privately and respectfully? Why must you wage your battles in front of us? Whether it is cold war or heated arguments, it doesn’t matter. Both wear us down and make us feel as if our home is not a safe haven. We do not want to live in a battle zone. We will start looking for other places and people to spend our time with. We will seek an escape.

Too often you quarrel about the way the other one parents. You accuse Daddy of not knowing how to do anything right with us. You accuse Mommy of letting us get out of control. You act as if we are a burden. When we see you fighting because of us, we feel responsible for your arguments. We think that we are the ones to blame because you can’t seem to get along. We find ourselves feeling guilty and trying to make the hurt disappear. We struggle to help you find resolution. “Don’t worry," we say, as we try to wipe away Mommy’s tears. “It’s okay, Daddy,” we say bravely, when things don’t turn out perfectly. We just want to live in peace.

3. Don't Use Us as Pawns

Don’t give each other the silent treatment and expect us to carry messages between the two of you. “Tell Daddy I’m going out” when Daddy is standing right in front of you, or “Tell Mommy I’m not hungry now” when she is sitting at the same table as you. This makes our life dark and complicated. How can we ever expect to learn how to communicate with our own spouses if we see such dysfunctional communication between the two of you? We are your children, not chess pieces that are manipulated till you reach a moment of check mate.

4. Don't Undermine Each Other

When we ask Mommy if we can go to a sleepover and she says “no, not on a school night,” and then we run to Daddy, and he says “yes, what’s the big deal?” we smell weakness. We see that you are not in sync and we know that we can manipulate you. It may sound funny but we would rather believe that that two of you stand together and firm as one unit. Even if we don’t like what you say, we feel strength when you agree and say it together. It means that our family is solid. We need you to speak with one voice. It removes the confusion and does not allow us to speak with chutzpah. Because you must know, Mommy and Daddy, that chutzpah and disrespect come when you do not respect each other’s opinions. How can we respect you if you do not respect each other? And a home filled with disrespect has toxins in the air.

While it is not always easy for us to live together as families, we can decide to live by certain rules of dignity, even when we disagree. No matter how stressed or challenged we feel, we must know in our heart of hearts that we have been given precious children to watch over and take care of. They are priceless gifts. Let us resolve to build homes in which they feel secure and loved. Let us wake up each morning and ask ourselves what we can do to raise the next generation successfully. And one day we will have the joy of watching our children build their own havens, knowing that we have shown them the way.

About the Author

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
Bobby5000,
November 6, 2016 6:00 AM

parent's arguing

The point about the child's issues causing conflict is particularly sad. The lesson the child learns is that no matter how bad something is, telling your parents will only make it worse.

I have a son who is very successful. While most of this is by chance, one correct thing my wife and I did was to encourage him to bring any problems to us and not argue about them but instead be disciplined enough to try to help solve them.

(5)
Anonymous,
June 1, 2014 12:51 AM

My thoughts match

When my parents were fighting I was so upset that I went online and found this this is the exact thing that happened to my parents. I think this article matched my thoughts so much and it was so beautiful that I reed it to my parents thank you for putting this online it was the most helpful thing

(4)
Basya Neilson,
December 30, 2011 11:45 AM

Enough with the cold war

A beautifully written article and exactly to the point. We love our parents so much, it hurts us to see them argue. Do you want us to take sides? How long will you give each other the silent treatment. What if I need help? Will you both work together to ensure that I'm safe? Or is your pride too important? How can we be a family if we aren't able to sit at the table to talk without animosity? Sure, every one is entitled to their own opinions, but you have to listen to each other with respect. That teaches us to respect others. If you must yell, are you yelling because you feel you're not being heard, or because you're trying to drown out the other person's voice? I don't compete. I'm not going to yell over someone else's voice. I'll just remain quiet until you stop arguing. Until you can listen to each other with respect. I don't want to burden you with my point of view, if you're too busy worrying about your own. Have your own opinions. Share them. I want to hear them. But let everyone contribute to the process, and make joint decisions. Since Daddy is the head of the household, he should be the one making the final decisions, and we should all respect them. But his decisions should be based on what's best for everyone and taking into account everyone's point of view. While you're yelling, could you take into consideration one other thing? I hear you. It hurts my ears when you yell too loud. It's music to my ears when you speak to each other with respect. Love you always, Basya

(3)
Anonymous,
December 25, 2011 11:58 PM

so true

this is a great article. nearly all my bad childhood memories consist of my parents arguing, usually my dad shouting at my mom. whenever this happened, whether i was 5 or 15, i would retreat into my bedroom and wish i could run away. it was the most terrible feeling. but when my parents were happy and showed love and respect to each other, i would feel inexplicably happy and confident the whole day. it makes such a difference, parents have no idea.

(2)
Hailex,
December 25, 2011 5:48 PM

Terrific Article

I only wish I had read this 20 years ago! So true it hurts my heart.

(1)
Anonymous,
December 25, 2011 3:25 PM

Picture is decieving.

Perhaps your next article could deal with the teenager who has become the referee peeling away his parents from physical blows and hurt in the melay but no one will give a damn as that will flag child abuse. That would be an article I'd relish to read. A few questions if I may. Without any money or transportation where would a child go to avoid waring parents? As most arguments are about money, sex and/or control is it realistic to even suggest, "Don't argue about us". I'd comment that most childrens weddings are marred by the deep knowledge that "daddy wants you outa da house already"ready or not. The best you could hope for in my opinion is some community standard of dielectric isolation. #3 is an excellent point. I'd have gone further and state that children who've been indoctrinated to be the messenger boy/girl have been taught the fundamentals of Loshon Hara by their clueless parents. With no example of sense of privacy why would a child not learn to spill the beans later in life? Not ten days ago I attended a large community funeral for a child who passed at the ripe age of nine years old. A record of longevity for a child born with Tay Sachs. I still feel feel blown away by the fathers statement that the physical needs of his child were never a burden to him. Eight years of round the clock nurseing must have cost at least an ivy leage college tuition yet no complaint of burden. Raising a child with simcha insures he/she will want to do the same. Raising a child bickering over every credit card statement insures that those children will never want to repeat that awfull process.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
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