Sheriff Joe Arpaio: Close Gitmo, I'll Take 'em!

THIS JUST IN: In a surprise move today, the outspoken and controversial Sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, stated that he’d be happy to take the inmates of Gitmo and provide for them “appropriate and hospitable accommodations.” When questioned in a press conference what those ‘appropriate’ accommodations would entail, the spirited Sheriff was quoted as saying, “Oh, you’ll find out. Our recidivism rate here is nearly zero. For some reason inmates, when released, are not too keen on coming back.”

Asked if the detainees would receive just and humane treatment, the Sheriff smiled and said, “Certainly. They are ‘humans’ and will be treated as such…and that’s ‘just’ the way it is.”

In Baghdad today, the arrested Al Qaeda leader, Khaled Abdul-Fattah Dawoud Mahmoud al-Mashhadani, was heard screaming from his cell when he heard the news that the Gitmo detainees in Arizona would all be required to wear pink. Al-Mashhadani’s legal representative, ACLU attorney Harold B. Dikwahd, stated that dressing the detainees in pink would violate the Geneva Convention. “Pink is the color of pigs, and pork is an insult to Muslims,” stated the snarky lawyer. Sheriff Arpaio responded, “Well, we don’t want to insult them, just lock them away. Like all our inmates here, they look pretty in pink.”

The ACLU was further infuriated that no copies of the Koran would be provided to the detainees, but rather replaced by copies of The Audacity of Hope, by Barack Obama. In addition, prayer rugs would be replaced by yoga mats and the five prayer breaks each day would be allowed, but required to include a 20-minute Namaste Yoga routine. MacDonald’s happy meals would be served seven times a day until the prisoners made a video declaration that they would cease the jihad and start treating people of all faiths in a decent and ‘pleasant’ manner. When asked what he meant by ‘pleasant,’ the feisty Sheriff replied, “Well, not cutting people’s heads off and blowing themselves up on crowded buses would be damn fine start.”

Immediately following the press conference a new fatwa was issued by Osama Bin Laden from an undisclosed cave location, that “…a new jihad is hereby announced, on top of all the other old jihads, that all faithful followers are now to blow up the entire state of Arizona. But not til after the Super Bowl. Go Cards.”

We are still trying to decipher the cryptic meaning of the last part of the fatwa.