Why can’t I just eat?!

My normal appointment with my nutritionist was yesterday and as I suspected he wanted me to get back on track straight away. Okay… seemed reasonable, right? Dinner was torture but I managed, and even ate my evening snack as I drove home. It’s a 1/3rd cup of nuts so a lot! But I did it. Driving for 2 hours after helps.

I have eliminated granola for the past two weeks so was pretty scared about eating it again. A serving size is a 1/4 cup but my meal plan has a full cup!! I thought maybe I could eat it at my therapists office then she could help me process. Of course, that is a whole other fear. I never, ever eat in front of her. It’s bad enough at iOP. It’s easier in front of non-ED people because they don’t know. Oops, off track.

I my meal in to my appointment. I was still horribly full from the 2 meals I already had that morning but okay, I’ll try. But then, my therapist talked about a ton of other stuff for 45 minutes even though my lunch bag was right there on the table! I kept getting nervous. I assumed she knew what she was doing since she asked about what kind of granola I get. But no, time went by. She finally realized that we hadn’t done that. She said I could eat it but we wouldn’t have time to process. What?! I kept making excuses to not eat, at that point, but said that if I didn’t eat it I would throw it away and that would set me up to restrict all weekend, again. I had “scheduled” this all and I don’t do well when my schedule is thrown off, not at all.

We went back and forth. I needed her to tell me to eat it but it had to be my decision so eventually I finally did and was horribly embarrassed. When I eat at home I take a few bites, in the kitchen, then go do something else. I continue thus till it’s done. That way I never have to think about it. I hate the idea of paying attention to actually eating. It’s simply something I have to do like cleaning the bathroom, or getting gas for the car.
I just shoved it in. I wanted to get it over with even though I knew I’d feel way, way, way too full. I also got very angry. That is what happens if I pay attention to eating, I get angry. I don’t know why but that is always what happens. Sadly, at iOP, we don’t actually process when we eat our dinner, so it never gets addressed. I left her office, got in my car, jumped on to the thruway heading here (cafe at iOP). At the first exit I got off, purged, gassed the car and was on my way feeling, once again, like an utter failure! What the hell is wrong with me?

When I got here I texted my nutritionist and asked if I could have 5 minutes of his time. He said to come back. I told him what happened and asked if I could have a protein drink instead for this weekend. He was concerned I’d never eat granola again and I said “no,” I just needed to reintroduce it slowly. He said okay and that next Wednesday, when my normal appointment is with him, I should start the day by eating just a 1/4 cup along with the protein drink. Okay. Just to note, I hate, hate, hate carbs. That’s why I wanted to do a protein drink instead… less carbs. It’s a constant battle. He always reminds me that my brain needs carbs, etc. The anorexic part of me doesn’t care, but the Lexy part of me does!

I was good with that and turned to leave when he suddenly asked about my scale. Yesterday I confessed to him via text, after my appointment, that I got another scale 3 1/2 weeks ago. I couldn’t do it face to face. But omg, he wanted to talk now?! I told him I use it for anxiety, that it isn’t actually about the number. I said that when I feel gigantic, then get on the scale and see I’m still the same weight, I feel better. I’m pretty sure that what he heard, when I was talking, was blah, blah, blah, blah. He asked “is it was contributing to the obsession?” No. “Why did you need it?” Because it releases anxiety. He’s been doing this a long time. He knows everything I’m saying is bullshit, ergo blah, blah, blah. He knows I’m lying even if that isn’t my intention. He told me I can’t have it both ways and that it is, in fact, contributing to the obsession. He then asked what my therapist had to say. I told him that it didn’t come up till the end and I refused to talk about it, tabling it for another day. He thinks I intended to not tell her till the end of the session. On and on and on – way more then 5 minutes, grrr.

I’ve mentioned in past posts that the nutritionist I have is the same one I had in treatment. He simply has no tolerance for anorexic bullshit. Yes, he will work incrementally to help us ease back into a healthy pattern but when I start making excuses, etc he won’t put up with it. That is why he is the best nutritionist for me. The last one I had, although she was amazing in her own right, was amenable to my manipulations. Please understand, I am NOT a manipulating person but my anorexia most certainly is. When that part is in charge, I will do anything and everything to hold on to behavior.

But here’s the thing –

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL TRAPPED ANYMORE.

Sigh……

It’s so much easier to walk into the trap then get out of it. I can walk in all by myself but I need a host of people: treatment team, supportive people, patience, accountability, and practice in eating and living to get out of that trap.

One girl in iOP compares it to the Olympics. The goal is way too far off. The only thing one can do is focus on each days training.

I was just talking to another one of “us” Bruce-ites and was saying I’m not sure what happened but it seemed like he crossed his arms again as he got further frustrated. She said that he shifts and pulls them in tighter. Ahh, that makes sense. I’ll watch this weds since I know he’ll be a wee bit frustrated. 😛 Today has been better though. So far I’m on track. 👍