Do You Feel Lucky?

(and feel free to comment! My older posts are certainly no less relevant to the burning concerns of the day.)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

For Shame! #2

This is the second in my ongoing attempt to shame myself into buying healthier groceries, using the well-known and socially-accepted exhibitionistic power of blogging to exert a big-time coercive, corrective pressure on what I buy. If I know in advance that all my groceries are going to end up right there for the world to see, then maybe I'll start to think, "hey - maybe I should be putting some effort into thinking these purchases through? Perhaps everything I buy should be bought for a reason. Perhaps the reason should be: Eat healthy, FOOL!"

My inner harangues always slide into a Mr. T voice at some point.

Anyway, here it is, the tale of the tape - the receipt tape, that is. I guess that's not really tape. But it tells its tale all the better for it! And without further ado, that very tale, to which I allude:

Geez. That's not really a "build-up." I don't know what that was. I'm sorry. It's just, some dude posting his groceries...this is not exactly gripping material. I guess I'm a little guilty of trying to "punch it up" a little, or rather, of failing to do so.

So.

Let's See What Have We Here:

French Berry Lemonade, and French Lemonade. I like a non-alcoholic, non-plain-fresh-delicious-water beverage every now and then, and these are not too sweet! Nice.

Corn Flakes. I only got these because last time, I didn't realize the box I had was about empty, and I had a big thing of milk I bought last time specifically to eat the Corn Flakes with! But it's all good outcome, because I love Corn Flakes. Especially when I'm in that mood.

Thomas' English Muffins. I got two packs of these! That's a lot of muffins. It was buy one get two. I almost left the other behind, because do I need that many? But from my standpoint, that would be like throwing it in the trash, and in a world where people are starving, that's just more human cruelty than I personally want to contribute to. Better to take that extra pack home with me. If I don't get around to eating it in time - hey, birds starve too! I'll lend 'em a hand, via a hand-crumbled stale-muffin handful of crumbs, or rather twelve muffins' worth of. The resultant tweets will be bird-language for "YUM! Thanks, ape!"

It's not an insult! Birds just think we're apes. They don't know. Can't tell the difference! It's not racist, they just have such tiny brains.* Besides, to a bird, an ape is a highly-evolved higher organism - so it would be a compliment, if anything. They would look up to that ape, in wonder, saying "man, those apes are advanced! How do they do that, with the bananas? I wish we birds had that level of advancement." And we in turn look up at the birds in flight, which to them, seems so easy.

Campbell's soup: 3 cans chicken noodle, 2 cans Chunky chicken corn chowder. I only got these because all week with the flu, I was like "man! I'm glad this isn't a cold or I would totally be out of my mind not having any chicken soup in the house!" Because that's what you want, with a cold. But with a flu, you don't want that! You just want maybe some saltines. Which I did not have.

Saltines. No explanation necessary for these, I would hope.

For that matter, enough with all the justifications! I think I'm taking that "every purchase should have a reason" thing a bit too literally.

Loaf of bread. Which of course, was the reason I went back in the first place! "This time, we didn't forget the gravy!" Sorry - I didn't get any gravy, I'm just making a literary allusion.

Frozen Belgian waffles. I love these! Just as waffles, but also, I might be making burgers this week. You may scoff, but these make awesome "edgy" nontraditional, confrontational, in-your-face BUNS! And it's not only about the shock value either. Those waffle pockets are as if they were custom-designed ketchup traps. And the cross-beam construction makes them sturdy enough to stand up to the thickest, juiciest patty you can grill.

King Kelly brand orange marmalade. What a great-looking product this is.

What a great-looking product that is. I don't even like marmalade! I'll let you know how it tastes.

I should mention, the only reason I got the english muffins in the first place was to go with this sweet-looking marmalade. Although it goes without saying that I love me some english muffin. But I like to put something on it, though.

Challenge (brand) butter. For the muffins. I mean, I had butter already, but not enough for all those fucking muffins I had to get, once they laid that "get one free" guilt trip on me!

I think that's everything. I think I got everything, too! Except damn. I meant to swing through the fresh produce section, "pad my stats" a bit health-consciousness wise. I mean, I do do that often, and not to pad my stats either! I love fresh produce. But usually it's to cook with. I'm not in a high-gear "cooking things" phase, right now. It's cyclical. Lately I may eat out more, but when I do, it's healthy! My home stuff, again, only lately, I've been going more for spartan. Spartan meals.

So anyway. I don't know that I did much better than last trip, but it's an in-process process.

I only went back to the store so fast because I forgot the bread last time. I can't live in a house without bread. Bread is highly symbolic of food! A house without bread is a house of want. Of course, in addition to being symbolic of food - it is food.

I am always fascinated by what people by at the grocery store and I discreetly stare at their items while I wait in line. I once stood in line behind John Waters at the Giant and yes, I did indeed discreetly stare. (I know you are dying to know.....Been years now but I believe it was something like flavored seltzer water and frozen fruit bar thingies.)

Husband says the Belgian Waffle bun thing sounds so wrong on so many levels. I was shocked to hear him say this. He LOVES him some waffles. Even makes his own all the time. I said loudly "Brilliant!" or perhaps I just thought it..but same thing. I think this sounds like an awesome idea and I want to make some burgers just to try it out. Husband will be SO jealous when he sees me eating my burger slapped between the waffles.

You know what? I would recommend that the frozen, toastable ones are probably your best bet for the purpose. I've had homemade ones that - good as they were, delicious as they were, they're a little more structurally soft or dense or otherwise idiosyncratic, batter-wise. All of that's to the good, on the plate with butter and straight maple! You'll just be like, "MMM! HOME-ADE!!" The little differences to the ways each people's recipe works are all pretty much in the things-to-appreciate column.

But that's waffles as waffles. Waffles as buns, go with something standardized to see if you like the concept first! Then, if you *love* it, sure you might take the next step and try to tailor a home-made waffle-bun batch to maximize the effect of what works best.

I use Safeway Select brand, frozen Belgian waffles. They actually, literally, fly them in from Belgian.

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As far as I know, I haven't made any money off of this blog and nobody's given me any free shit! In fact, it's kind of bullshit for me to find out about this now, when all this time presumably everyone else has been swimming in a sea of palm-grease, surfing in on the waves of payola while lining their bathing trunks with thick sheaves of filthy lucre!

Where's mine? Is there a grievance e-mail address that can be made available to we who seek redress for having been so grievously snubbed?

I got NOTHING.

Notice dated 12/1/09. Notice will be revised as soon as I tap my share of that sweet, sweet, internet swag.