More Than Halfway There

Well I think we’ve found Mom a nice apartment down here in Auburn. It’s got a golf course, tennis courts, pool, hot tub, sauna, splash pad, clubhouse, fitness center and beautiful grounds. It’s about five minutes from Chad’s family and there’s lots to do here in Auburn. Chad’s family’s church home (Church of the Highlands) is huge, alive, and active and there will be ample opportunities for Mom to involve herself in the community. It will soon be time for me to leave Alabama (again) and we all feel better that she will be near her grandchildren when I go. I will feel a lot more comfortable knowing that Chad and Krystle are nearby as well.

I’m getting excited about my revised plans with regard to the next step in my career. (I’m moving back to Hollywood.) But at the same time I am now holding my plans with a much lighter grip. I always marvel at how the physical plane can often serve as such a metaphor for what’s going on spiritually and emotionally. My broken hand literally doesn’t allow me to hold on to things with such a tight grip. Of late, I have been learning (more than ever before) to make plans but be flexible. I have surrendered my will and life to the care of God as I understand God (which is to say I relax into The Great Mystery) and am simply doing the next right thing as it presents itself. In the meantime I have been learning about these new tools that recovery from underearning has given me. They are so unfamiliar, if I am completely honest, I have to say that mostly I am just familiarizing myself with the tools and how they work with hopes of being able to slowly implement them on an ever-increasing basis.

I’ve been taking a fearless and searching inventory of my history around finance, career, spending, debting, underearning and everything else having to do with money. I am checking in daily with an action partner with whom I list the actions I’m going to take that day towards fulfilling my goals and dreams. I am praying for guidance and for willingness. I attend spiritual support groups. I have a spiritual advisor. I have a buddy that I bookend particularly scary action items with. So I do feel proud that I’m into action with turning things around.

It’s been 225 days since September 1, 2014 when, at 02:30 in the morning, in the middle of a PTSD meltdown I declared this to be the last year of my life. After I realized, the next day, I couldn’t take my life because of what it would do to others — after first making amends for being so cavalier and traumatizing a bunch of people who love me, I committed to do everything I could to fix the things that were so wrong in my life. I also committed to daily blogging and I’ve kept that commitment so this is daily blog number 225. I’m proud of that and it’s helping me get into a good habit of getting to the page everyday no matter what which, when I listen to other writers, seems to be the number one challenge we all face. It is 139 days until September 1, 2015, which means that I’m more than halfway done with what was to be the last year of my life. According to the original plan, the “sentence” was to be carried out on my 50th birthday, which means if I were going to go through with it, I would have 183 days left to live. You know what? There are no guarantees. None of us knows for sure how long we have. I may have far fewer than 183 days! That makes a good argument for living each day as if tomorrow may never come– because indeed it may not.

This whole process has taught me a lot and I’m benefiting from the work although it has been that– a lot of hard work. I have no doubt that the benefits will be great and as I’ve said all along, my chief hope is that others will benefit too. That’s the primary benefit I could see coming from being so public, not only about my struggles, but about the things I’m doing to work through it all.

Time for lights-out. I’m also trying to get more rest lately so that my waking hours can be more productive. As always, I appreciate y’all for sticking with me throughout this whole deal. I do look forward to “visiting” here with you each day and I appreciate the prayers and messages of support. Hell, I even appreciate the nasty criticisms. They remind me of what kind of person I don’t want to be.

I keep y’all in my prayers too. I know everyone has his or her own struggles. I pray that your lessons come gently and your rewards are abundant. I hope you are surrounded by demonstrations of the love you deserve and you constantly have to increase your capacity for experiencing joy. Goodnight from Auburn, Alabama.