Sunday, February 28, 2010

This blog sucks. I know it does. There is no content, realizations, no elevation or lift. Just the grumblings of a frustrated girl who is trying to lose weight.

Well, here it is. I promised myself I would be sooooo good and lose weight for my brother's wedding and I tried. And then I gained three weeks in a row during weeks where in my Joanna way, I was really trying, and it wasn't enough apparently. So the wind got blown out of my sails and I. Just. Don't. Care. Anymore. My resolve comes in and then washes away like the tides and I'm left feeling guilty and unattractive because I have chosen a number that I "should" be at and as long as I am not at that number I have failed. I can't lose the way I could before and I don't see results because I am very physically limited compared to the past, a whole other fact that makes me feel sorry for myself. And then all this feeling sorry for myself keeps me from achieving anything at all and when I do achieve something I undo it with negative thinking or, in tonight's case, with disgusting nachos set right in front of my face at a Champps in Richfield and I don't even want them but they are right there and I have one chip and then I just keep going partially because I just want it and partially to punish myself for failing. Again.

Oh man, I don't mean to get into the nitty gritty like this and this is the most personal an entry of mine has ever become but I am just realizing that this isn't working for me. I don't want to do this anymore. I am seriously thinking about QUITTING.

But I don't really do that either. So I am re-evaluating. I am changing my goal weight. The fact is I am already well into my healthy weight range and I only chose 135 because it was just there - floating in front of me. I don't know what it even means but I am realizing that it feels totally unattainable and impossible and I think that's why I never even get close - it feels out of reach. I felt my very best when I was 140 lbs and that's going to be my new goal. I am between 5 - 6 lbs and I know it's possible because I have done it before. And after that I am done. I am going into maintenance and while I know that that also takes focus - I want to be done with weight loss. I have not been successful and I know all of it has to do with my own issues surrounding food, body image, my ability (or lack there of) to really take care of myself or push myself but I am coming to the point where I need to be okay with that. I can do five more pounds, but I don't want to do ten. I don't want it badly enough and I don't even know what it means. Plus I LIKE the way I look. I'm not very self-concious about my body. I want to be stronger and fitter but I like that I'm a size 8 and I don't feel embarrassed in a swimsuit and every photo and video that's been taken of me lately - I've been pleasantly surprised.

I saw some older photos of myself, back when I was heavier, and for the first time I really appreciated my softness, my roundness. I instantly thought of the lovely round women that were painted by artists like Rubens. I look so feminine and I never appreciated that at the time. The softness of my body and the loveliness of that.

But I didn't feel good. I was doing Vinyasa power yoga at core power three times a week but I could feel my weight getting in the way of what I wanted to do - whether that was mental or physical I wasn't sure - but I was always one of the heaviest people in my classes. I was eating way too much and indulging in all of my weird emotional ties to food. So I went on weight watchers and I became really active and the weight came off fast. Then my knee went crazy and I have more or less been at the same weight ever since. It's time for me to make a truce. It's time for me to declare some boundaries and here they are. 5 more pounds, physical therapy every day, start stationary biking and spin classes so that I can start going on long rides in the summer and keep up the weight training. I still want to be a healthy and active person but I am tired of trying to lose weight. 5 more pounds - because I know I can do it and because I liked the way I looked and felt and then maintenance.

Monday, February 8, 2010

However today is a bad day. It is my boyfriend's birthday. I am mad at him (justifiably so). I also lost my cell phone and have been fairly broke for the last week. I just want to eat chocolate and cry. It is a bad day.

My boss gave me half of her candy bar without me asking. I took two small bites, threw it in the garbage, and then dumped soy sauce on it.

This is my small victory of the day.

I am going to do the shred after work to burn off some frustration and then improv, hopefully followed by a cheap glass of wine.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sometimes I think I have this weightwatcher's thing down and then I realize that I don't.

I eat things that I think will be relatively low-fat, low cal and then SURPRISE it's high in points.

Yesterday I had a turkey wrap with avocado, cheese, and veggies. I thought it would be healthy and good. I thought at the most it would top out at 10 points. It turned out to be 13 points. That's the same as a hamburger. I have 3 points left for the week and I don't allow myself to use my activity points. However, the thing that is different this time around is that even though I over-indulge during the weekend I can stop at 21. I don't think I was even able to do this my first time around with Weight Watcher's. I've basically stopped eating after 8 pm and it is making a huge difference. Oh, and although I missed weigh in at weight watchers, I weighed myself at the Midtown locker room and I have lost 2 lbs! It said I was now at 143.5. I am going to start the 30 day shred today and I ordered a heart-rate monitor. This is going to be a fit February.

Monday, January 25, 2010

I was rereading my old posts and no wonder I didn't lose at all this last year, and I'm actually surprised I did not gain more. Every single post says things like "I really tried but I blew it, oh well"

I am glad this time around that certain things are not negotiable. I overate on Thursday and Friday and did a lot of underestimating of points values of certain foods. I have been left with only 3.5 flex points since Saturday and I have only used up 1/2 a point. I go to bed hungry. I track everything, every single day. Even if I don't reach 135 by March at least I know that I have actually committed to losing this weight, a real commitment.

That's comforting. I am still nervous that I will gain again this week even though I have had activity and stayed within my points range.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

After my 1 lb gain I felt defeated and mad and to take revenge I ate and ate and ate today. That is smart right? If you are mad that you haven't lost weight then you should eat a lot? Because then eventually you will get skinny? By overeating? Right?

Okay, done. I had my figurative cake and ate it too (in the form of wine and lambchops and sweet potato fries) and am finished. Back to being on the good side. I still have 15 points left for the week,

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I gained a pound! Now up to 145.4. I feel really disappointed and defeated and maybe I wasn't perfect this week, maybe I tracked things at points lower than I should have, maybe I should have tried to exercise more, but man, I feel really disappointed. I came in this week breaking even points wise and even though I only exercised twice this week, the intensity was higher than usual. I thought it would be enough but I guess not.

It's been a long, long time since I've been this upset over a gain. I guess in its own way that's a good thing. I haven't wanted it this bad in a long time.

I will be 135 by March 13th, I will, I will, I will.

I came home, upset and tired. I found myself ready to overeat even though I wasn't that hungry, ready to have a full serving of yogurt when I really wanted half and in my mind was that little voice "Who cares? It's just some yogurt! I am going to eat this because I want it, it's only one point more and I WANT IT!" Then I realized that I didn't really want it and put half my yogurt back in the tub, put all the food away and am now in my room. I am proud of myself for stopping and disengaging from a pattern that I know all too well. Here's to a better week next week.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I have no idea about what to expect for tomorrow. I hope I lose at least a pound, but I went totally overboard on Sunday night and was in the red by 2.5 points, but then I went to Zumba and got back in the good way.

I only worked out twice the entire week, Saturday I went cross country skiing, which was a great workout but as I mentioned before my whole body was so, so sore, and then today I did Zumba and stretched. I will say that when I overate on Sunday, it was still much better than I usually did and opted for three squares of chocolate and one bite of homemade carrot cake and said no to various large and wonderful desserts. I also only had two glasses of wine at the house and then only drank water when we hit the bar. This is good.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

My goal of being at 135 by March 11th may just materialize. I lost 4 lbs in my first week which is probably the largest loss I've ever had and marks an excellent beginning. With that jump start I now only need to lose 1.2 lbs per week to reach my goal. I feel like I'm back in my "game" in terms of where I need to be mentally to pull this off. Certain foods are off limits to me right now and I don't resent that fact or feel any remorse. I just know it is off limits and that is that. I realize that making goals has been a great motivator and it's providing a gentler next step for me. The last 6 months I have been thinking "I have to get to 135" and I fail. Now I think "I have to get to 142 so I can dye my hair." That feels doable. So here are my goals/rewards.

I usually only buy one - two pairs of shoes for myself every year so this seems like a very luxurious reward, 2 pairs of shoes in (hopefully) two months. Just what I need to stay motivated. Plus I will be saving a lot of money by not allowing myself to buy a single piece of clothing until I reach goal.

I am allowing myself two much needed purchases that will bring me closer to my goal - new tennis shoes and a heart rate monitor.

PS. I went cross country skiing for the first time today. It was beautiful and fun but I fell twice and it HURTS. I will now reside to my bed and watch episodes of Parks and recreation.

Do you have any rewards planned for when you reach your weight loss milestones?

My greatest challenge in weight loss is social gatherings, drinking, and overall FUN. I know this is something that my pal Nicole has blogged about in the past and I've realized that it is probably my greatest hurdle to weight loss. For example, my boyfriend and I had talked about seeing a movie on Thursday. I agreed. My plan the entire time has been to go to my Drums Alive class at the Y and then to go to the movie after. Well I mentioned that to him and he was a little upset "I thought we could go get dinner before hand, c'mon it would be FUN!" What?! did someone say fun? I love FUN!!! I politely declined and instead I am going meet him after my class to go directly to the movie. Not as fun, but less expensive and more responsible than FUN. I have also been avoiding making any plans before 7 pm on weekdays so that I never have an excuse not to go to the gym.

Then today I got an invitation to go to a friend's pie potluck. I love pie. I really do. Eating pie definitely falls under the category of FUN, but I said no on that invitation knowing that it would be my undoing and lead to a week of being disappointed in myself and losing the momentum that I have been building.

Yup. I am trying to be good although it may not always be fun.

EDIT - We are going to get dinner before the movie after all, but we are picking a later show so I can work out and then we are going to eat at Ruby Tuesday's (2 for 1 coupon/thought it might be funny) which has a huge salad bar. FUN!

Drat, I'm in the red by 1.5 points. I need to remember that this is the very best I have done in months and for going to an Indian Buffet on day one, that's pretty good. It was the vegan toffee chocolate that pushed me over the edge. I don't really regret that. That was delicious. I do regret the three tater tots, the granola bar eaten for the sake of boredom instead of hunger, that second piece of bread at my parent's birthday dinner, the pint of beer when a bottle would have been fine, the two life savers, the serving of pretzels, the one piece of sushi, the half and half the one day I decided to put it in my coffee. Those are the things I regret. Those foods that I didn't really care about, that I could have taken or left added up to be: 11.5 points, which is two servings of ice cream, 6 glasses of wine, two small pieces of pizza. Foods I feel deprived of, foods that I love because I ate things that I felt mediocre about. I have to remember that for every single thing I eat - those are less points I have to put to something I really, really love. Then again, I could have just refrained from eating any of those things and then I'd come in way under my points, a feat I have never, ever accomplished. I like to walk the line baby.

Here's to a perfectly on point week next week. It is activity packed. Tomorrow I will do strength training followed by either cardio or pilates, Thursday I will do Drums Alive (it was cancelled last week), Saturday I have plans to go Cross Country Skiing, Sunday plans to do the elliptical and weights at the Y, Monday I have improv class which is fairly physical and Tuesday is yoga.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I have 2.5 flex points left and three activity points. I am not sure how it happened. It just did, and it happened fast. Today was my friend's birthday party. It started with ice skating at the Depot (which I am surprisingly decent at) and then off to Grumpy's for dinner and cake. I had eaten at Grumpy's before and figured I would get a salad but instead opted for their vegan chili and asked for wheat not white toast (much to the chagrin of my friends who rolled their eyes while I made this request). I had a giant platter of hot cheesy tater tots, jalapeno poppers, french fries and chips and I resisted. I was asked again and again what drink I would like to have and I said water. My chili came and went and I allowed myself 3 tots. We decided to play darts and I ordered a hot toddy because I thought I could "afford to" and it was delicious and wonderful and I savored it until the end. Then it was time for cake where someone brought me my own piece of cake. I held it, looked at it, tried to offer it to other people and then left it on one of the table's the party had reserved and started to walk away when some girl said "But that piece was cut just for you" "Yeah, but I'm not really hungry" "Oh, but it's SO good." And I just walked away. When we left Grumpy's I felt pretty amazed and proud of myself but then I went to my friend Lindsey's and I just felt voracious. Over the course of four hours I ate 2 oranges, a serving of pretzels, and a small bowl of cereal. Even though these choices could be construed as being healthy, I didn't really have the points for it. I am going to have to be a saint over these next few days. I just need to remember that just because I may use up all my points for the week, that does not mean I have blown it or should give up or should eat and eat and eat because all hope is not lost. I will be triumphant!!!

In other news I start improv classes on Monday and I am really, really excited.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I gained. I am now at 148.4 lbs. Was I good last week? No. However I was expecting to be even more or less, but man, this is too much. I promised myself I would never be at 150 lbs again and I am getting very close to that threshhold. I am going to say that:

However, this is a good reinforcer that I have to really work at this if I want any progress to happen. Normally I overeat on Wednesday night because I have an abundance of points and am either feeling elated or disappointed after weigh-in which either way gives me an excuse to eat. I also put off eating until after my meeting and am starving so I ate before my meeting yesterday and it worked. Day one and I am in my desirable points range for the day. I figure anytime I go under 26 points in a day, I am doing well, spreading my 35 points over 7 days.

Tonight I am going to go to a class called Drums Alive where I pretend exercise balls are drums and play them. I'm really excited for the silliness that will ensue.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Hello blogland. I am back. Although I was never really "there" much anyway and only have a readership of two. However, I need to write this down somewhere so I won't forget it.

I will be at goal weight by my brother's wedding on March 13th, which is also the week of my 26th birthday. I will be at goal weight. I will be at goal weight. After the holidays I weighed in at 146.8 which is an all-time high since I began this journey. My lowest weigh in ever was at 141.2 only 6 pounds away from goal. So here I am, I have 11.8 lbs to lose in two months. That's in about nine weeks. I know it is ambitious but I think this is what I need to kick me into gear and get going. I am pretty good at maintaining, but just have trouble getting back into that place of losing being a top priority. This time I will do it. Anders is trying to lose weight too and we are supporting eachother. I am also giving myself prizes. First, I am going to buy some new athletic shoes with my next paycheck. When I reach 142, my 15 lb weightloss goal (which I have been at before) I get to dye my hair and here's the doozy. I am not allowing myself to buy a single piece of clothing until I hit my goal weight (except for my bridesmaid dress and a muchly needed new bra).