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05/23/2010

Hi, my name is Catherine, and I love great sex toys! If you are a follower of my blog, you are probably thinking to yourself "big whoop, we ALREADY know that!"

Well I am here to tell you that dildos come in all shapes, sizes, and are made from a variety of materials. Goldfrau is a wonderful designer toy that is made from ceramic. Yes friends, you read that right. A ceramic dildo! Unlike the piece of crap ceramic pieces I attempted to make in my high school art class, this is some high class ceramic art.

When you first feel the Goldfrau you might notice the weight. It is wonderfully smooth and durable. The smoothness can be attributed to it's waterproof glaze, and believe it or not, the walls vary between 3 and 4 mm thick. It is also quite beautiful, but it does somewhat resemble a mortar and pestle you might find in a kitchen.

The Goldfrau shaft is beautifully glazed and quite straight. Even with out a curved shaft, this sex toy provides a wonderful and steady pressure that is perfect for g spot stimulation. The only part of the toy that isn't glazed appears on the end of the shaft. It has a bit of a ball-like structure, and I am assuming the lack of glazing means it is intended to be the handle.

I love the Goldfrau because it is non-porous and hence very easy to clean and keep sanitized. I also love how sleek, smooth, and substantial this toy feels when using it. Add a few drops of your favorite lubrication, and you have yourself a very good time!

Since it is made of ceramic, the Goldfrau is a eco or green sex toy! Yes my lovelies, this little beauty is earth friendly. It is also incredibly durable, and I have a feeling this toy will be around for decades.

Goldfrau is an Australian company, and the dildo is offered in 2 sizes (7 7/8" x 1 1/4" & 8 3/4" x 1 3/8"). One nice perk is that your new friend comes packaged in a lovely leather storage bag. Make no mistake, this is a luxury/couture sex toy! How do I know? The prices run approximately $220 to $240.

I would like to sincerely thank Wicked Tickles for providing me with the wonderful Goldfrau dildo for free. It truly is a wonderful, beautiful, and luxurious dildo. I highly recommend it and give it a 4 finger rating!

**Please note that the Goldfrau ceramic dildo is not appropriate for anal use since it does not have a base. This is particularly funny to me since it kinda resembles an anal probe. **

05/03/2010

High rates of unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections are reported.

When a writer I know contacted me to be interviewed about this topic, I totally jumped at the chance. Afterall, spending over 5 years providing front level services for HIV positive youth between 18 and 26 made me more then qualified to talk about the subject.

The following article was posted today in the Health section of the LA Times. To my very pleasant surprise, it was also picked up by the Chicago Tribune. Jessica Pauline Ogilvie wrote the piece and may be contacted by emailing health@latimes.com

Enjoy!

Over the last few decades, the period between the time when young adults leave their parents' house and when they settle down to start families has grown substantially. In 1970, 21% of 25-year-olds were unmarried; by 2005, the percentage had jumped to 60%.

Marked by self-discovery and exploration, this phase of life has been dubbed the "odyssey years" by some. And along with determining their career and life goals, many unmarried adults in their 20s are also trying to figure out how to manage their sex lives.

According to a poll published earlier this year by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 86% of unmarried people ages 18 to 29 are sexually active. And though it may not be surprising that 87% of the same group reported that they are not ready to have kids — including 88% of women and 86% of men — their actions don't always line up with their intentions.

Among the group polled by the National Campaign, nearly half of those who are in a sexual relationship either don't use contraception at all or use it inconsistently, and almost 20% of all respondents predict that they'll have unprotected sex within the next three months.

The result? Seven in 10 pregnancies in the 18-to-29 age group are unintended, and men and women in their 20s have among the highest rates of sexually transmitted infections of any age group, including chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis.

"Teens get a lot of attention around childbearing and pregnancy," says Heather Boonstra, senior public policy associate at the Guttmacher Institute, a New York and Washington, D.C.-based research organization that focuses on sexual and reproductive health. "But the age group that has the most trouble, and the highest rates of unintended pregnancy and abortion, are those in their early 20s."

Lack of access to healthcare is part of the problem, says Boonstra, who authored "The Challenge in Helping Young Adults Better Manage Their Reproductive Lives," a report published in the Guttmacher Policy Review in 2009.

People in their 20s "are the group most likely not to have health insurance today," she says. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately 27% of people ages 18 to 34 were uninsured in 2008, the highest of any age group. Without such coverage, contraception can cost anywhere from $10 to $70 per month for hormonal birth control such as the pill or the NuvaRing (that's excluding the cost of a doctor's visit to obtain such a prescription), and more than $700 up front for longer-term birth control such as an intrauterine device (IUD).

But most experts agree that young adults' difficulty in managing their reproductive health is significantly affected by factors that run much deeper than access to care.

To begin with, the National Campaign discovered a considerable discrepancy among those ages 18 to 29 between perceived understanding and actual understanding of how to prevent pregnancy. Of those polled, 90% reported that they know everything they need to know to avoid pregnancy, yet nearly 80% of men and 30% of women in the same group said that they know "little or nothing" about the birth control pill. And 24% of all respondents believe that wearing two condoms provides double protection, when in fact it increases the chance of breakage.

And though they grew up in the era of "Sex and the City" and Internet porn, talking with partners about safe sex is just as difficult for people in this age group as for any other.

Catherine Toyooka, a Silicon Valley-based sex educator and founder of Catherine Coaches, a dating and sexuality education company, sees this difficulty firsthand. "They want to do the right thing," she says of the young people who take her classes, "but it's not really the easiest thing to talk about. They don't have the skills."

Adds Boonstra, "It takes a certain practice or finesse to be comfortable talking with your partner about sex and the use of contraception or condoms."

Many young adults also have deep-rooted — and occasionally conflicting — feelings about becoming parents. Though they may not be ready for children at this point, many want kids someday, and 32% of those polled by the National Campaign said they'd be "very pleased" or "a little pleased" to find out that they or their partner were pregnant.

The percentage of men who reported that they would be pleased in the event of an unintended pregnancy was more than twice that of women.

But whatever the reasons behind it, no amount of magical thinking will negate the fact that ambivalence about safe sex can — and does — have lasting consequences.

Many common sexually transmitted infections can lead to serious health problems. Chlamydia, if left untreated, can cause infertility, and late-stage syphilis can be fatal.

When pregnancies are unplanned, the expectant mother is less likely to receive preconception care, which includes weaning off medications that might be harmful during pregnancy; managing maternal diseases such as diabetes and hypothyroidism, which can cause birth defects; and screening for sexually transmitted infections and HIV/AIDS.

And though a great deal of funding and resources has been put toward preventing teen pregnancy, in large part so that young women finish high school, Sarah Brown, chief executive of the National Campaign, emphasizes the fact that most employers now look for at least some college as well. Since many young people start and stop college several times before receiving a degree, an unintended pregnancy could disrupt what's become a necessary level of education.

"The reality is that if you want to have a reasonably good job with any hope of stability, it requires two or even four years of additional education after high school," Brown says.

To help young adults manage their sexual health, experts are now looking into ways to reach them with information that they will pay attention to.

Most agree that learning about safe sex starts well before the 20s. To that end, the federal government approved a $114.5-million teen pregnancy prevention initiative in December that will fund programs and research designed to reduce teen pregnancy and risky sexual behavior. The recently passed healthcare reform bill includes language that earmarks even more federal dollars for sex education.

For those who are out of — or well beyond — high school, the National Campaign is developing an interactive website and accompanying mobile application called Bedsider. The site will provide up-to-date information about sexual health, finding a healthcare provider and text-message reminders about safety geared toward people ages 18 to 29. The site's launch is planned for early 2011.

In addition, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which have taken note of the unique concerns of the twentysomething age group, partnered with several groups to launch a campaign last month called Get Yourself Tested, aimed at encouraging testing for sexually transmitted infections as well as open communication with partners and healthcare providers about the issue.

But as this complicated decade of life continues to evolve and as new norms are created, only time will tell what works, what doesn't and what the future of young adulthood looks like.

"The reality is that childbearing and sex has unquestionably changed," said Brown, "and I'm not sure that we are all entirely certain what the new structure is."

04/19/2010

Hi, my name is Catherine and I am a lover of sex toys. How's that for an opening line? Why are sex toys so wondrous? For starters they can enhance solo or partnered lovemaking, and they can also help people become more orgasmic.

Hopefully, this article will allow individuals to become comfortable bringing up the topic of sex toys, marital aids, adult toys, or whatever name you wish to call them. Why do we need to talk about sex toys? One reason is that not all sex toys are "good" sex toys, and an informed and educated shopper makes for a very happy owner!

The first thing one should know when talking about sex toys is that, in the United States, there is no organization, or "big-brother" regulating the safety and manufacturing of said toys. Kind of like how there is zero regulation for supplements and vitamins. This is super important to know because it means that manufacturers can design, manufacture, and sell sex toys using whatever medium or material they want. This is particularly scary because some toys are made out of toxic and cancer-causing materials. Yes friends, you read that correct. Some manufacturers use materials that you wouldn't even give to your dog as a toy.

The vast majority of cheaper sex toys are made of materials called phthalates, Jelly Latex or PVC. How do you know the sex toy you are interested falls into this category? It is simple, just smell it. If your sex toy has a noticeable plastic scent or smells anything like your shower curtain liner then chances are that is made from a material that is known to be toxic. Think about it this way: Do you really want your nether regions smelling like the bathroom isle of Bed, Bath, and Beyond?

Why does it matter that a sex toy is made out of known cancer-causing material? It matters because one is often using the toys in an aggressive manner which makes the material heat up. When materials like PVC heat up, they leak out toxic material that can become absorbed into your body fat where they just hang out. Build up of these toxins can lead to *minor* medical issues like kidney and liver cancer as well as damage to your reproductive organs. *Note the sarcasm in my tone.

In fact, sex toys that feel the most like the real thing are made out of a material called "cyber skin". You would recognize it because if the product is packaged, it would have a cut out and a "feel here" sticker or arrow. Manufacturers and people love cyber skin because it feels so realistic and it is cheap to produce. However, it is also a material that is impossible to sanitize because it is porous, which basically means that fluids can both seep out and become sucked into the toy. Not very sexy! Cyber skin toys have a very short "shelf life" for an owner because they so easily become slimy, gummy feeling, or what sex educators call "funky". They are also harder to store since it is recommended that you dust your toy with corn starch after you have thoroughly cleaned and dried your toxic friend.

So what kind of sex toy should you buy? Look for toys made of medical grade silicone, glass (pyrex), or stainless steel. These sex toys rock because they are non-porous, easy to clean and sanitize, and they last a long time.

There are precious few places in Silicon Valley where one can purchase a good quality sex toy. Hot Stuff and Pleasures from the Heart are two south bay retailers. However, your best bet is to drive up to San Francisco and check out the fabulous selection at Good Vibrations.

04/17/2010

When I tell people that I'm a Brand Ambassador for Good Vibrations, people don't always know what to say. Most people get the concept that I am a product toy tester, but it goes beyond just toys. As a Brand Ambassador, I receive all sorts of goodies that can include sex toys, dvd porn, adult novelty games, erotica, and lubricants. Free goodies for me, and all I have to do is test them out provide my honest feedback on my experience!

If you are still confused, here is a wonderful press release I found about the program that launched about a year ago.

SAN FRANCISCO — Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com), the legendary San Francisco-based company that takes pride in providing accurate information on sexuality and toys for grown-ups, is proud to announce its new Brand Ambassador Program, a viral marketing campaign designed to drive awareness of Good Vibrations’ website, products, experts and services through word of mouth and testimonials.

To connect with customers and strengthen brand loyalty through meaningful, one-on-one interactions, Good Vibrations is inviting people from all over the country to apply to become official Brand Ambassadors. The company will ultimately select 100 men and women by September 2009. Once identified, the Good Vibrations Brand Ambassadors will receive one product per month to use, then communicate within their social circles the benefits of the product.

Brand Ambassadors must be immersed in social networking in order to be accepted into the program. Through Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Blogs, websites, emails and general word of mouth, the Brand Ambassadors will share their experiences with the newest products from Good Vibrations.

“The new Brand Ambassador Program is the perfect complement to our recently launched affiliate program,” said Dr. Carol Queen Ph.D., Good Vibrations’ staff sexologist and company spokesperson. “We started the conversation over 30 years ago about sex, sexuality and sex toys when we launched the company. Now we hope to get the conversation going across the country about the best products available today.”

To learn more about the Good Vibrations’ Brand Ambassador Program, visit www.goodvibes.com.

Many people use the words geek and nerd interchangeably, but there is usually one major distinction between the two. According to Carrie Tucker, author of I Love Geeks, a "nerd" is often a term given to someone who is highly intellectual and knows a lot of diverse information, whereas a "geek" is sometimes known to focus in on a single obsession and then study it in minute detail.

Sure, geeks & nerds might not have the best game in town, but they don't necessarily need it either. Here are a few reasons that geeks and nerds make perfect life partners:

Nerds & Geeks are usually loyal and aren't afraid of monogamy! People who are often referred to as nerds and geeks are overwhelmingly introverted and you will not often catch them hanging out at nightclubs and bars. They might be a little socially awkward, but that just means that you will be the center of their attention when out and about. As an added bonus, geeks and nerds are also known to be both sensitive and sincere individuals.

Nerds & Geeks often have had fewer sex partners which means they are less likely to have picked up a STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) by engaging in casual sex. Sexuality can be a difficult topic of discussion for nerds & geeks. They might feel insecure that they will not be able to sexually satisfy you, that their body doesn't look how they would like it to look, etc., but here is the secret.....most nerds & geeks are very willing to experiment sexually when they are in a loving and trusting relationship.

Nerds & Geeks are often hugely smart and intelligent! You know how they say "beauty fades, but stupid is forever? Well, this is something you never have to worry about when your partner is super smart. On a side note, nerds & geeks are also known for being passionate about something and passion = sexy.

04/03/2010

Men, you gotta love them! This is especially true if you live in Silicon Valley, which just happens to include the city some lovingly refer to as "Man Jose". If you are living, working, and loving in Silicon Valley, then you already know that men appear to out number us women. You may also have noticed that although a man a woman may be saying the exact same thing, the intention and meaning behind the words are very different.

Here are 3 things to keep in mind when dealing with the women in your life:

Sometimes we just really need to vent. One of the main ways women bond with each other is by sharing their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we need to get something off our chest, engage in a little gossip, or work through something personal. This doesn't mean we need or want you to "fix" the particular issue or problem. The best thing a man can do is to provide support to his woman. Acknowledge that you hear what she is saying, support her by saying that you can see how what you are talking about is frustrating, and then connect with her by assuring her that you are there for her.

Women usually take a baseline "would I ever have sex with you" reading within the first few minutes of ever meeting you. I know this sounds kind of harsh, and it is not true of all women. Men can also redeem themselves if they do not make the best first impression by doing something lovely or endearing. Men, if you want to make a good first impression, make sure you look presentable by wearing clean clothing, maintain good grooming habits, and above all else, remember to smile.

Every woman wants to know that she is desired and sexy. Making us feel adored, yearned for, and wanted deepens the connection we already feel for you too. It is all too easy to fall into a cycle of "maintenance sex". If you are out at a restaurant, look at her as if she is the only person in the room, spend more time then you usually do caressing and loving her body during foreplay, and while lovemaking, whisper in her ear how beautiful and sexy she is.

~~

Catherine Toyooka is the founder of Catherine Coaches and is a blogger, sexuality speaker, educator, and a dating & sex coach helping busy professionals in Silicon Valley, San Francisco, and beyond. She is also an Off Site Sex Educator (OSSE) and Brand Ambassador with Good Vibrations in San Francisco. Please contact her at catherine@catherinecoaches.com to arrange your FREE 20 minute phone consultation.

03/28/2010

Confidence. It's something I have always possessed. I'm not really sure where it came from, but I often have enough to spare. As a dating coach and sex coach I think that confidence might just be the number 1 secret of attractive people. Confidence can transform an otherwise "average" person into a "I must know you" person.

When someone is confident, it usually means they are pretty comfortable with themself. Many people flock to confident people because, as by osmosis, being in their presence can make you feel comfortable with yourself. Kind of a hard concept for me to describe, but I think you get the general gist of what I am saying.

If you are trying to attract someone, there are some simple body language shifts you can make so that you are perceived as being confident. Just like dogs can smell fear, men and women can smell desperation, insecurity, and trepidation.

Across the board, people who are considered to be confident and therefore attractive usually know how to use body language well.

Here are a few suggestions you can use, alter, and make your own that will help you in the confidence department:

Learn to stand up straight. People who slouch often give the impression they are personally and emotionally deflated, uncomfortable, and generally not happy.

Learn to look people in the eye. People who are unable to hold direct eye often give others the impression they are disinterested, nervous, or even lying.

Walk like you mean it. Even if you are unsure of your surroundings, act like you know where you are going. Incidentally, many perpetrators seek out their potential victims by gageing a person's body language. They look for people who seem distracted and/or people who look like they will not put up a fight. Now, you don't have to sashay your fabulous self down the street, but try walking as if you are being filmed or photographed...this will ensure you walk with your head high and your shoulders back.

Train yourself to not fidgeting. Fidgeting is a huge sign of being nervous and insecure. Fidgeting can also be super annoying to other people, so try your best to control it when you are around others.

Perfect the way you stand. Yes, this may seem silly, but how you stand can have a lot of influence in the way others view you. If you aren't sure where to begin, start by standing with your feet less then shoulder-length apart and place one foot slightly behind the other. When trying to attract someone, never stand with your arms crossed in front of you. Closed arms = closed person, and you want to adopt a more open and welcoming stance.

Learn to take a compliment. I meet so many people who don't know how to take a friggen compliment. Sometimes I have to stop them and tell them "...just say thank you, Catherine." Learning to take compliments doesn't necessarily mean you are stuck up and conceited. It shows you are comfortable with yourself and aware that you are unique. Do me a favor and the next time someone pays you a compliment, smile and give them a sincere thank you.

Smile damnt! Seriously, just the simple act of smiling can make you feel happy. Plus, smiling uses less muscles then frowning, so it's technically easier to smile!

She is also the organizer of the monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex Oh My!" She has several workshops scheduled in the upcoming weeks, and would love to meet you in person! You can also find her on twitter @catcoaches, facebook, and yelp.

03/22/2010

03/21/2010

I absolutely love my job and being a sex educator. I get to meet new and really fun people who attend my workshops, but I also get to hob-knob with some of the very best sex educators in the world!

I have been going back and forth about writing a blog post about the difference (there is one!) between a vulva and a vagina. Fate worked it's magic and one of my sex educator friends just recently posted a FABULOUS post all about it. Even though we are now located on opposite coasts, it is as if she read my mind. I've been a long time admirer of Becca's SexBlog, and am thrilled to share her words with you here. And yes, she is just as amazing, funny, fierce, endearing, and entertaining in person!

Vulvas Aren't Vaginas

This post is full of Vulvatastic information! Enjoy!

1. What’s a Vulva anyway?So, I want you to imagine that there is a woman. She’s completely naked and she’s sitting on a stool with her legs crossed. Then (because she obviously wants to educate you) she spreads her legs wide open, points to her crotch and says, “This is NOT a vagina.” You’re like, “WTF is this then?” And she goes, “This is my vulva.”

In this culture, we often use the words Vulva and Vagina interchangeably, when the reality is they are not the same thing. When that naked woman spreads her legs apart, all that ‘stuff’ on the outside is a vulva. It’s where most genitally focused pleasure receiving nerve endings are located (thanks, in part, to the 8,000 nerve endings in the clitoris), and it is OUTSIDE the body. The Vulva is NOT the vagina, because the vagina is inside the body. If we go back to our imaginary naked woman who was nice enough to consent to educate us … all you can really see of the vagina is the entrance.

Although not all sex educators agree, nor practice, calling the vulva and the vagina by the different names, this sex educator (imagine me pointing at myself with my thumbs) thinks it’s extremely important to differentiate. Mostly because a) it’s scientifically accurate to utilize the terminology separately and b) when we talk about the vulva specifically, we bring more attention to female pleasure than we do when we simply reduce everything to a vagina.

2. Why are vulvas hairy?Excellent question. Pubic hair, aside from keeping our genitals nice and warm back before the days of clothing, actually does serve a function, and that function has to do with pheromones.

Pheromones, in case you’re unclear as to what they are, are chemicals that our bodies release that affect other people without having to get processed first. If you look at someone and think they’re hot, your brain processes the image and then decides whether it wants to send a message to another part of your brain that makes you get turned on. Sex pheromones shortcut that system and go straight to the part of your brain that controls arousal. To oversimplify: you could be looking at someone you don’t find particularly attractive and they could still turn you on because of their pheromones.

Pubic hair, in a neat evolutionary trick, traps pheromones as they get released. The pheromones are then chillin’ in high concentrations. The high concentration of all these sexy pheromones has a more intense effect on your partner(s) brain.

In short, pubes are there to help people get turned on faster.

3. Should I shave/wax/trim/laser/otherwise remove hair from my vulva?The answer that question is: that’s entirely up to you. Regardless of what you see in porn or on other ladies in the lockeroom, how you maintain your bush should be entirely about you. There are advantages to each side, some of which I’ve listed below:

In Support of Pube Maintenance

No pubes = no toilet paper stuck in said pubes.

Although pheromones won’t be trapped, bacteria and other smells also won’t be trapped.

If you’re not going for the fully bald look, you can shave or trim fun shapes into your pubes.

For some, less pubes = more erotic sensitivity.

Landscaping can be an activity for you and your partner(s) to do together.

Less pubes means that you can see more of the vulva.

In Support of Leaving Things Natural Style

It is a no effort, accessory free way to be.

Those pheromones have a nice, lush place to collect.

You never have to worry about things like razor burn, accidental cuts, or having wax strips yanked off your body.

For some, pubic hair provides an important cushion for the pushin’, and helps folks to avoid chafing and friction burn.

As (crazily enough) hair is in a constant state of re-growth, you don’t have to do continuous maintenance.

Your vulva looks like it’s gone through puberty.

At the end of the day … what you decide should be all about you. It should be about what makes you feel comfortable, sexy and beautiful. What you do with your pubes is completely up to you!

4. What is a normal vulva supposed to look like?Okay. Here’s what you do. Find a mirror, strip down nekked, open your legs up, and look at your vulva. THAT, my friend, is what a normal vulva is supposed to look like.

So, I know you’re thinking “But, Becca, hold up. How can you say my vulva is normal when you’ve never even seen it?”

I know because Vulvas are like faces. Everyone has a different face, and pretty much every face is normal, even though they may not look alike. It's the same deal with vulvas, except the basics (noses, eyes, ears, etc) are a little different. Vulva basics include two sets of labia (one set with hair, one set without hair), a clitoris, a urethra (which you may not be able to see), and a vaginal opening. It’s normal for your smooth labia to be longer OR shorter than your hairy labia. AND it’s normal for your right set of labia to be a different size and shape than your left set of labia. Also, even though I know that every textbook ever printed shows that vulvas are pink, let me tell you, vulvas come in all kinds of different colors. AND it’s normal for different parts of your vulva to be different colors. Also, if you’re trans or intersex with a vulva, a normal vulva may have all these attributes, or it may not.

Basically, the only things that should have you worried are warts, sores or lesions. Anything else is super chill and super normal.

5. How do I take care of my vulva?So, washing your vulva regularly is a good first step in taking care of it.

Another good step? Looking at, touching, and getting to know your vulva. See, unlike dudes, a lady could go pretty much her whole life without ever taking a look at her vulva. Which, if that’s how you’d prefer to roll, is cool with me. However, touching, looking at and knowing your vulva is important in knowing when something may be wrong with it. If you don’t know what your vulva looks like normally, it may be difficult to figure out when something has changed, or when something isn’t quite right. Looking at and touching your vulva may seem weird at first, but just think about how many times a day dudes touch their penises. It’s just as okay for a dude to touch his penis as it is for you to touch your vulva (at the appropriate time and place, of course). Just like breast self exams, you can do a vulva self-exam every month. Although vulvar cancer is relatively rare, it still does happen. So when you’re checking out the vulva, make sure you squeeze the labia to see if there are any lumps.

Plus, another bonus of looking at your vulva is that you’ll (hopefully) increase your comfort with the way your vulva looks. You may even come to think that your vulva is the prettiest vulva ever!

Another good way to take care of your vulva is to sex it up (either alone or with a partner). Just like in other parts of the body, increased blood flow means a delivery of fresh oxygen to your tissues. The more fresh oxygen your tissues get, the healthier your tissues are. Getting turned on, playing with your own vulva, having someone else play with your vulva, and non-sexual exercising are all ways that you can get that fresh blood pumping to your vulva. (Of course, if you’re having someone else play with your vulva, make sure you’re doing so in a way that is conscious of safer sex practices).

6. Can you get surgery on your vulva?Yes. It’s called vulvaplasty’ and it’s a cosmetic type of surgery. (Although, if you’re having issues where because of the length of your labia you’re experiencing discomfort, getting vulvaplasty is kind of like getting a breast reduction because your breasts are so big your back hurts. In that case, the surgery would be non cosmetic.) People seek out cosmetic surgery all over the body for many different reasons, but when it comes specifically to vulvaplasty, here are some things I feel you should keep in mind:

Because it’s usually for cosmetic purposes, insurance won’t cover the cost, which can be in the thousands.

Make sure that the surgeon you get to do the procedure has a good track record. Some surgeons who offer vulvaplasty are just butchers. You’re looking for a reconstruction, not a mutilation, so choose your practitioner wisely. A good way to figure out if they do good work is to ask if they have before and after photos of surgeries they’ve performed.

Get ready for a period of recovery where you won’t be able to use your vulva in a sexual way.

Have an idea of what you’d like done to your vulva, and work with a practitioner that listens to what you want (not one that pushes his/her ideals of what a ‘perfect’ vulva should look like).

As with all cosmetic surgery, there is a risk that your vulva may not come out the way you wanted it, you may be left with irreversible nerve damage, there may be scarring, and there may be loss of sensation. Keep in mind that these are risks. It’s also possible none of these things will occur.

Getting a vulvaplasty should be something you decide for yourself. If you are only doing it because it’s something your partner wants, I encourage you to think very long and hard about a) your partner choice and b) whether the risks are worth it for something that you’re not doing for you.

7. What happens to my vulva when I get turned on?When a vulva gets aroused, it’s going to fill up with blood. The smooth labia are going to experience the most swelling from that increased blood flow, and can increase in size up to 3 times. Also, your clit is going to get hard. The cool thing about this increased blood flow is that it means your vulva is going to get way more sexually sensitive! Holler.

8. Wait, after reading this, shouldn’t the Vagina Monologues be called the Vulva Monologues?Many of the monologues in that play should DEFINITELY be characterized as vulva monologues. But I can’t blame Eve Ensler for using ‘vagina’ as it is more widely recognizable.

She is also the organizer of the monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex Oh My!" She has several workshops scheduled in the upcoming weeks, and would love to meet you in person! You can also find her on twitter @catcoaches, facebook, and yelp.

03/09/2010

I have a couple secret talents and one of them is relating to youth. Maybe this means I am seriously unsophisticated and juvenile. Maybe it means that I really know how to talk with young people. I would like to think that my ability to relate and build strong connections with young adults is due to a combination of the above factors.

There are a few people who have made a living travelling the country teaching other adults how to talk with "kids" about sex. I think this topic is great and more people could use a workshop on this topic then not, but I have one main objection. People who are masters at building relationships with youth almost NEVER refer to them as kids! People who work with a younger demographic will often refer to them as youth, young adults, or even juveniles. Almost no one who makes a living dealing with young people refer to them as kids. Kids is a term that is usually only suitable for parents who are referring to their children.

Think I'm full of it? Next time you see a bunch of youth, I double dog dare you to go up to them and cheerfully say "..Hey kids, what's up?!" I suspect that you will probably get a bunch of stares that are most likely filled with loathing from a bunch of very unhappy youth. Let me try to explain it to you this way...you know how annoying it is when young people refer to you as "ma'am" or "sir"? That is almost exactly how young adults feel when you call them kids.

When I get called "ma'am" I want to shake the person proclaiming that they can call my mom "ma'am" and that I am NOT that old (even if I am, so what, I'm trying to make a point here)! When I get called ma'am I wonder how old I look, how old do they THINK I am, and I usually correct them and say that although they may mean well, I generally don't respond well to that word. In other words, I tend to give people a second or third chance to redeem themself by attempting to set them on the right track...something most youth simply will not do.

Still think that I am making a big broo ha ha over nothing? Think back to your younger days. Remember feeling like you didn't belong, weren't always understood, and often taken for granted or, alternatively, never taken seriously?

Now imagine that you are 12 or 13 or 14 years old and want to ask an adult about something relating to sex or sexuality. There are probably a few things you would least like to hear, right? I'm guessing things on your list that you don't want to hear are:

Anything relating to abstinence

The adult becoming so flustered that they don't know how to react to your query

Telling you that you are too young to have to worry about this

Telling you to wait until your father or mother gets home to ask the question

Asking you if someone has touched you inappropriately

Having the adult pretend like they didn't hear your question

If you truly want to become an ally for young people you have to be an askable adult! What does that mean? Well, sometimes it means having conversations about sex and sexuality on their timeline and not yours. Sometimes it means answering questions you would prefer not to. Sometimes it means that you have to be a really good listener so you can figure out what question they are asking you. And sometimes it means having to acknowledge that your child is, indeed, a sexual creature.

Like it or not, parents are the primary sex educators for their children! I am friends with plenty of youth whose parents are just as old as me, and in some instances they are younger. What I know for a fact is that they do not or have not felt like their parents are askable adults. Maybe it is much easier for me to be an askable adult because I'm not their parent. What I do know is that there is no greater feeling then a young adult taking me aside and telling me with wholehearted sincerity that they are thankful I am in their life and are able to openly talk with me about sex and sexuality.

She is also the organizer of the monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex Oh My!" She has several workshops scheduled in the upcoming weeks, and would love to meet you in person! You can also find her on twitter @catcoaches, facebook, and yelp.