Slippery Dicks for All at TJ's Locker Room in Placentia

[Editor's Note: We all know local music and dive bars go hand-in-hand. So in the interest of merging the two together on Heard Mentality, we bring you our weekly nightlife column Dive, Dive, My Darling. Read as our bold web editor, Taylor "Hellcat" Hamby, stumbles into the dive bar scene every week to find crazy stories, meet random weirdos and guzzle good booze.]

Earlier in the evening, my co-worker Juicy Jay texted me, proclaiming he had taken a bit of the bar advice I had given him a month or so ago. "If you ever go to a bar and just hate the people around and wanna clear out the place, put on a few really long songs in a row," I wrote. "Arlo Guthrie's 'Alice's Restaurant Massacree' is a good place to start."

Juicy Jay reported that my advice had worked. "This shit is a bar killer," he said. Accompanying his message was a picture of a joint more deserted than the Mexican section of an OC GOP meeting. Inspired, I took our earlier conversation to TJ's Locker Room.

Even though sunset had just passed, it was the only business open at the time at the sleepy Placentia strip mall. The five smokers out front were quiet, respectful of the noise curfew, showing that little really happens in the Lake Forest of North County. Inside was a medium-sized, sports-tinged dive with two pool tables, a dartboard and the obligatory beer signs on the wall. There were four beers on tap, a full bar and a decent selection of bottled brews.

I put $5 into the jukebox and selected a few of the most obnoxious, longest songs that came to mind. Meat Loaf, Iron Butterfly, more Arlo and Rush--in that order. Hell, I even paid extra to put all four on the top of the queue. Like a skunk spraying in a studio apartment or a sweaty dude releasing swamp ass in a single-stall public restroom, I dropped these long, invasive songs on the crowd that had dubstep playing when I walked in.