Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Getting on track...

Oh my, getting back to exercising after my grief break is not easy. I just can't seem to get moving. I'm not crying all the time anymore, but my body has this weird heavy feeling. Not just the usual heavy feeling I have because I'm ...well...heavy - but its like I'm encased in an emotional load of cement. I assume that as time passes, this load will lighten. Grief certainly is an energy vacuum, isn't it.

I'm eating okay - not going over my calorie limit but still too many carbs. Again, lack of energy from grieving so if I see that I'm getting low on low carb food I may not have the energy to stop at the store and pick up those extra vegetables. Again, I assume this will right itself as I recover.

I'm also struggling with whether or not I've resumed my vegetarian ways. I used to be a vegetarian and then went back to eating meat - but it's getting too hard to do that - I just can't seem to put the flesh of an animal into my mouth. I think I can still eat a turkey and I am eating chicken on occasion, so we'll just have to wait and see where I end up on this. It's so easy to eat vegetarian low carb or whatever with the internet to turn to for recipes and menus.

Stress is a struggle that I am managing well. Lots to be stressed about - facing the fact that one of my sons has returned to harsh drug abuse to escape the loneliness of his life. He has social anxiety disorder as well as other brain based challenges and he self medicates with the bad stuff. I can't do much about it as he is an adult and I can't make him go to therapy or take meds. I am trying to set up some services that he might accept so will keep working on that. I find I wake up at 4 a.m. with worries about him competing with memories of my mom's last painful days and then the cortisol overloads my brain and I'm up for the day. I try to use that time to meditate and heal my brain and if that doesn't work, then I head to the shower and begin my day. I'll do whatever I have to in order to stop the ruminating. I guess I used to use food to change my thought patterns, now I use meditation and QuiGong and EFT tapping. Much healthier.

Here's a funny/weird thing - I've been listening to the Gabriel downloads for eating and weight loss. I really liked them but they start with a visualization of a white light going up the spine - starting at the base of the spine. Now, that area is totally agitated and unhappy. I can *feel* it all the time, like an irritation or mental pain. How weird is that?! So, I'm tapping and using other meditations instead. I mean really, who walks around with full, and unpleasant, awareness of the base of their spine.

So, take care of yourselves - I'm still working while most of my family is camping. I join them on weekends. This weekend I'll 5 of mine plus 3 grandchildren - should be busy - no time for sitting or ruminating.