Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5277

Farmer's Logic
A Missouri farmer drives to a neighbor's house and knocks at the door. A boy, about nine, opens the door.
"Is your dad home?" the farmer asks.
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town," the boy responds.
"Well, is your mother here?" the farmer asks.
"No sir, she went to town with dad," the boy says.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" the farmer asks.
"No sir, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy says.
The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asks. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one -- or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," the farmer says uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5278

Six Months To Live
"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live."
The man sat in stunned silence for several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically announced that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time," he said.
"OK," the doctor said. "let's make it nine months."
Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
5279

A Long And Healthy Life
After being married for almost 60 years, an 85-year-old couple dies in a car crash. They had been in good health for the last decade, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising.
When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter takes them to their mansion, which is adorned with a beautiful kitchen, a master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they look around, the husband asks St. Peter how much all this is going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replies. "This is Heaven."
Next, they go out into the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course the house is located on. They will have daily golfing privileges, and each week the course changes to a new one based on the Earth's great golf courses. The husband asks: "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replies: "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next, they go to the clubhouse and see the lavish buffet lunch where all the cuisines of the world are laid out. "How much to eat?" asks the husband.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replies, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the husband asks timidly.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replies. "You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man goes into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.
St. Peter and the man's wife both try to calm him down. They ask him what's wrong.
The old man looks at his wife and says: "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!" Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
5280

Retirement Planning
If you purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
If you purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would now have $49 left.
But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of wine one year ago, drank it all and then turned in the bottles for the recycling refund, you would have $214 left.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5281

Emotional Extremes
Students in the psychology program at a state university were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to a student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the diligent student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas. "What about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan thought for a moment and replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up.'"
Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5282

Playboy Magazine
Q: Have you heard about the brand new version of Playboy magazine exclusively for married men?
A: The centerfold is the same every month.
Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
5283

Six Months To Live
A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised: "It will be the longest six months of your life."
Ryan Murphy