Worst Opening: The awkward opening montage that had the announcer cracking jokes like, "Sandra Bullock—give her some space!" and "All right, calm down ladies, it's Bradley Cooper." (Though to be fair, he did seem to see that Cuba Gooding Jr. was "having a good time"—more on that later.)

Second Worst: The poor guy who asked, "Can I slide by here?" to Rob Lowe just as the Parks & Rec star was about to address the camera for the show's cold opening. Lowe's efficient response? "No."

Best Reaction: When Lowe did start speaking, Downton Abbey's prim Mrs. Hughes (aka Phyllis Logan), who was sitting behind the hunky actor, craned her head around to check out Lowe as he was speaking. Oh, the scandal! What would Mr. Carson say?!

Best Surprise: Lupita Nyong'o's well-earned win over the also-wonderful Jennifer Lawrence allowed her to give a charming speech, which included thanks to 12 Years a Slave author Solomon Northup, Yale Drama School and most adorably, this anecdote about her dad: "My dad was the first person I called when I got this role and I said to him, 'Daddy do you know Brad Pitt? I'm going to be in a movie with him. And he said, ‘I don't know him personally, but I'm glad you got a job' So am I, so am I!'"

Best Performance: Rita Moreno got bleeped for an f-bomb, recalled her Oscar win and her days on kid's TV with Morgan Freeman and then killed it with an a capella song. That's how you become an EGOT winner.

Worst Singing: Bryan Cranston began singing à la Moreno and…well, let's just say he should be glad this wasn't the Grammys.

Best Recovery: Cranston, after his cute attempt at singing, then gave a sweet speech about how he'd worked terrible jobs in hopes of achieving this kind of success today.

Best Dedication: Accepting his award, Jared Letothanked "all the people that have lost their lives to this dreadful disease, to the people who are out there living with HIV/AIDs," as well as the late James Gandolfini and finally, his mom, who he said was the hottest date in town.

Worst Realization: You know a category is rich in talent when someone like Helen Mirren is a surprise winner for Best Supporting Actress, TV Movie or Miniseries. On the plus side, however, she did provide some Mirren-quality raunchiness by saying of the award, "I love this little guy. He's so sexy," she said. "I don't feel at all saggy, I feel quite perky."

Best Guess? The actual SAG award, a naked, two-faced actor, was apparently modeled on the behavior of all of them.

Legally Naked: Still, those naked awards are 20 years old now, so in response to that actor who emailed us earlier, Yes, that means the Actor is totally legal to date. We hope you'll be very happy together.

Best Bestness: Just presenting an award, Emma Thompson delivered another funny bit involving dancing to the cheesy soft-jazz soundtrack and asking if it was available on CD. Ha! Everyone downloads now, Emma, you kook!

Worst Goof: During the introduction to 12 Years a Slave, someone wrote in the teleprompter text that it was a "novel," instead of a memoir, which it is. Poor Lupita Nyong'o seemed to see the factual error as she was reading it, but couldn't suddenly start ad-libbing the correct term. It wasn't her fault, and this stuff happens, but it would have been nice if someone had remembered that Solomon Northup was a real man who endured the film's real-life hardship.

Least Accurate Hollywood Stereotype: Mindy Kaling joked that no one in Hollywood has read a book in 20 years, which we know isn't true, but the above didn't help dispel that stereotype. (And come on, Mindy, you know everyone in that room has read Fifty Shades of Grey...or at least the dirty parts of it.)

Michael Buckner/Getty Images

Best Speech, McConaughey Edition: Matthew McConaughey delived yet another outrageously joyous, ebullient speech about acting, Neptune, nominees, spaceships, bull rides, obsessions, magic places, a guy who built and sailed a tiny boat from Russia and lots of other stuff and it's just so uplifting that we wish we could get it as a prescription. McConaughey Buyers Club? We're in.

Best Follow-Up: Cate Blanchett got a time warning earlier on in her speech and she quipped, "29 seconds? Matthew McConaughey spoke about Neptune and I think I can have five seconds" and delivered a funny, off-the-cuff speech that ended on a sweet note about her husband and the people she's worked with for years.

Oh, and One Last Thing: As an extremely subdued Ben Affleck bid everyone good night, Cuba Gooding Jr. rushed the stage to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King weekend. And then he hugged Affleck. The End.

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