America’s Next Great Restaurant: It’s All About the Clothes. And the Smize. And yes, also about the food.

Another week has come and gone. The weekend has (almost) passed, so that means it is Sunday evening – and time for the latest episode of America’s Next Great Restaurant, the foodie world’s counterpart to Celebrity Apprentice, except that instead of Gary Busey, we are treated to Saucy Balls!*

This week, instead of a tasty helping of unpublished fan mail**, I have decided to take a slightly different tack. I am going to take a look at the remaining Restauranteers and their concepts, and rank them as to how likely I think they are to win this thing. I will be basing these rankings on the following criteria:

the concept (and the potential for success in the “fast/casual” space);

how well they have taken the advice from the investors/judges (more is not necessarily better);

how well they have performed in the various challenges; and lastly,

whether or not I could ever see myself visiting their restaurant, were it to reach Houston.

I should probably let you know that I am writing this part of the blog post before the episode airs. Also, I won’t redact this part before it is published: any course corrections will be incorporated into next week’s rankings.

And so, without further ado, here are my Estimates of Winning Likelitude*** (V1.0):

Sudhir Kandula (Spice Coast): After a rough start (punctuated by the Human Resources #FAIL when he fired his chef in the middle of the night – by cell phone), Sudhir has recovered nicely. His concept plays to the crowd that likes ethnic cuisine, while avoiding the stereotypical Indian buffet that we in Houston certainly have more than our share of. His biggest challenge will be to avoid caving in to the investors, and in doing so lose his own vision. If he is successful in this, his is one of the concepts I can see grabbing for – and catching – the brass ring of #WINNING.

Sandra Digiovannio (Sinners and Saints): Her concept – a healthy and decadent version of various favorites – sounds interesting. Last week it seemed she got a handle on the food part of it. She is another one of those I see going a long way – and possibly taking the prize.

Stephenie Park (Harvest Sol): Once she dropped the obsession with nutritional evangelism masquerading as calorie counting, and started focusing on food that actually had flavor and consistency, her stock went up several notches in my book. And what the hey, Mediterranean food is rumored to be healthful, so as long as she doesn’t relapse into her proselytizing ways, I can see her in the finale.

Jamawn Woods (Soul Daddy): I would really, really like to see Jamawn succeed. But maybe that is the fact that I am a fan of The Breakfast Klub speaking. I thought he was on the right track, but his decision to chase down the rabbit trail of “healthy” I think cost him. Unless he can recover from that mis-step, I don’t see him lasting much longer.

Gregory Westcott / Krystal Seymour (Grill’billies): Are they grillin’? Or are they chillin’?**** I’m not sure how well the redneck schtick will play in LA (or in Minneapolis, for that matter.) Also, this type of food shares one of the flaws of meatballs and sauce – it tends to be messy. I see them lasting one, maybe two more weeks.

Joey Joseph Galluzzi (Saucy Balls): Originally seen as maybe a strong contender (due in part to a catchy name), the investors/judges are beginning to realize that maybe his food is one-dimensional (along with his concept – which is nothing without that name.) Even if he wasn’t totally dependent on the whole “testicular jocularitude” theme (which got old about half way through the second episode), his cuisine – meatballs and sauce – doesn’t exactly scream “fast-casual”, unless one has access to a change of clothes immediately afterwards. Doubt me? Feed a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs to a 1-year old, and check the results. I see Joey lasting until the Elves have extracted the contractually-obligated number of utterances of “Saucy Balls” from the various participants, at which point he will be taken out like last week’s laundry.

Eric Powell (Meltworks): I really thought Eric was a goner last week. The investors/judges have twigged to the fact that he came, not with a concept, but with his plans already made. Plans that he has been working on for like three years. He is less likely than others to take advice/suggestions/recommendations from the investors. And, how far is he going to be able to go, with a grilled-cheese sandwich which the investors/judges all agree lacks cheese? Not far, IMHO.

Tonight – we have clothing to design, and extras diners to poison feed! So, what are we waiting for? Let’s Git ‘er done…

This week, we have the Uniform Challenge! Another chance for the Restauranteers to compete in a skill (clothing design) most of them don’t have a clue about! And, they will end up having to undergo a photo shoot wearing their new designs! Does this mean they will have to SMIZE, as well?

Notes (in no particular order) from the Business Test:

Sandy – admits she doesn’t know a thing about clothing design. Even so, she puts together a decent outfit. And does pretty well on the photo shoot.

Gregory/Krystal – The partnership starts to fray around the edges, as they begin arguing about the uniform. Krystal doesn’t like hats. I hope she likes hairnets, ‘cuz the Health Dept. sure does! They do OK on the photo shoot, though Gregory looks like a dork.

Stephenie – lets her inner nutrition-evangelist come out again, as she poses with a handful of wheat for her photo shoot.

Joey – wants a tie and white wing-tip shoes as part of his design. Also firearms. During the photoshoot he is talked out of the gun, and decides to pose with a big Italian loaf of bread instead. Oddly enough, there are no balls to be seen in his photo.

Sudhir designs a “Simon Cowell” shirt. Which is gray. Not exactly the color I would associate with a cheery, “fast-casual” eatery.

Jajawn and Joey both include ties (Joey’s is white) as part of their uniforms. Tell me again how the food prep staff wearing ties says “fast-casual” (or even “we comply with Health Dept/OSHA regs”)?

BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

The Culinary Test for this week is – “Investor’s Choice”. This means that the investors/judges choose which dishes from the menu the Restauranteers will prepare. And, of course, there will be Recommendations. Following are my notes from this portion:

Sandy – The investors/judges want to see her Green chili monster burger made with both beef and turkey. Judges love the uniform, but the burgers took the over-under (turkey undercooked to the point of being RAWR, while the beef was overcooked.)

Stephenie pushes back to Bobby and Curtis when they ask her to turn her salad into a sandwich. She defends her decision, saying that diners don’t eat while literally walking, but Curtis (chef, food writer, and soon-to-be Top Chef Masters judge) disagrees. Bobby OTOH is impressed with her taking a stand, and asks her to do it both as a salad and as a sandwich. Bobby/Lorena aren’t so fond of the photo, but both love the sandwich. So, interestingly enough, does Stephenie (who, in keeping with the Mediterranean theme, used a whole-wheat pita.)

Eric is asked to do a classic grilled cheese, and also to provide five dipping sauces. The investors/judges aren’t taken with the uniform/photo. They like the sandwich better. However, Bobby “doesn’t love” all the sauces.

Sudhir is asked to make a dish most will have never heard of, and to rename it to something people might remember. The investors/judges aren’t taken with the Simon Cowell shirt (too grey), but they like the new name for the dish (“Mom’s Curry Chicken”). My opinion of the name: UGH. Steve and Curtis debate over whether or not Sudhir should serve his dish as a sandwich, thus continuing the argument from the last week that seemed to go nowhere. Since they didn’t come to a resolution, expect to see this plot line continue next week.

Jamawn is asked to return to his roots – fried chicken & waffles. Bobby/Lorena love the food. Lorena asks him to raise the tie up. I would suggest he lose it (the tie, that is.)

Joey is asked to make his eggplant parmesan “meat-less”balls in a sandwich. I want to see him eat that sandwich while wearing that white tie. The investors/judges notice the mobster theme in the photograph. And the tie, which they consider to be most un-casual. But mainly, they notice the complete lack of balls. Curtis calls the photo a “mockery”, while Steven suggests he smash his balls (HA!)

Greg/Krystal are asked to make their BBQ pulled pork sandwich. In three hours. Grillin’, or chillin’?**** The investors/judges like the uniforms, but hate the food. That is, until they actually eat the food – at which point they end up loving it.

After the eating is done, the investors/judges announce the results. Taking the W this week: Gregory/Krystal. In the Bottom Three: Joey, Eric, and Sandy.

Joey is called before the Investors Chamber, and once again is reminded that some people have issues with Saucy Balls. He offers to rename it to Joey’s (Meat)Balls, which isn’t received well. Partly because the Eggplant Parmesan Balls were meatless. Partly because he seems to be taking the whole thing as a joke. Bobby still likes the concept, which I take to mean that he hasn’t met his quota for saying “balls” quite yet.

Eric enters the Investors Chamber, does a 180 on his grilled cheese, and talks about ditching the concept. Even though the investors thought it was the best sandwich he had ever made. Not to mention, he’s been working on the concept for three freakin’ years already. Curtis feels that Eric is shutting down. I feel he’s going home.

Sandy goes to the Investors Chamber on account of this being America’s Next Great Restaurant and not Hell’s Kitchen, and even there RAWR TURKEY isn’t appreciated. Lorena didn’t like the food. Curtis, however, liked her SMIZE. The investors/judges think the chef may be a big part of the problem. Sandy defends the chef, while admitting she fired her own girlfriend in a previous job. Mostly, she just wants to stick around for another episode or so.

The decision is made, and the judgement rendered: “Eric… we will not be investing in Meltworks.”

Next week, on America’s Next Great Restaurant: FOOD TRUCKS! And, in a surprising twist, they ALL LOSE MONEY! Ohmigosh, does this mean we have to start all over again!? Tune in next week, when I am sure we’ll find out.

And now, it is time to sign off, as we fade to the countdown timer:

COUNTDOWN – 28 DAYS 00 HRS 00 MINS BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP*******

* And I’m still trying to determine who comes out ahead on this exchange.

2 Responses

your new name, joey’s italian milla, like villa. small print, momma’s saucy balls. c’mone it’s a great concept, u just need something more acceptable as a name. i owned a business, Kandy Kitchen, and everybody called me the Kandylady. instead of the shirt and tie, go to a long sleeve tee, with a white tie embossed on it. good luck, i really like your vision. pam