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8.04.2015

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK (The Nil Admirari) - Republican presidential candidate and billionaire Donald Trump announced today he had kidnapped billionaire David Koch, and was demanding a large amount of money from billionaire Charles Koch to get his brother back. Trump claimed the kidnapping was in response to being snubbed by the infamous Koch brothers, who did not invite him to Dana Point, California this past weekend where about 450 very wealthy conservative donors gathered by the Kochs met with five other Republican presidential candidates.

"I don't need the money, I really don't, but who do these bastards think they are messing with? You want to know what losers they invited? The dumbest Bush, Marco Rubella, wacko bird Ted Cruz, that stupid lady who destroyed Hewlett-Packard, and their puppet from Wisconsin Scott Walker. David and Charles must at least be up to their elbows in Walker's ass," stated Trump from Trump Tower, which was where he claimed David Koch was being held.

Trump added, "So now I want money, an unspecified amount of money I don't want to talk about right now in public. This is between me and the Koch brothers, who I used to think were my friends, but they are liars and cheats. And if the FBI tries to talk to me once more I am pushing my good friend David off the highest floor of Trump Tower."

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) confirmed it had spoken to Trump, who allegedly told agents manning the perimeter around Trump Tower that David Koch "was only a little banged up and not bleeding that badly at all from the kidnapping, which is completely a joke between rich guys."

An anonymous FBI source that did not have permission to speak to TNA stated David Koch could be heard screaming "help me, Trump has lost it, Trump has... !" before being cut off when Trump threw his phone off of Trump Tower.

Charles Koch ignored our request for comment, but TNA has become aware of unconfirmed reports that suggested he was going to pay the ransom and had asked the FBI and local law enforcement "to stand down."