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The History of the Fedora: Man’s Best Friend

Ever since ancient times, the Fedora has been a symbol of its wearer’s superior intelligence and sexual prowess. As this most potent of headwear experiences a resurgence of cultural relevance in the Information Age, it’s time to look back and remind ourselves of its origin and truest meanings.

Wise, Sexually Potent: A Real Man

The first historical mention of the Fedora dates back to the third century. In the epic Nipponese poem Doki Doki Neko Desu Yo~ Pom Pom Pom!, wise Emperor Hiroshi-Sama wears “a hat that makes all who gaze upon it fall silent… Woven from demon spirits and the skins of virgin girls, it is the essence of his royal potency. This hat could only be worn by the smartest man who came here to fuck.” Notably, throughout the climactic 40-page description of the massacre of the heathen Chinese, 32 of those pages are spent describing different aspects of the hat’s appearance.

The meaning of the Fedora, or ソフト帽, was hereby defined as the most powerful and greatest hat of all time, by the greatest and most advanced culture of all time. Here is a hat for REAL men.

Unless you know Nihongo history, though, you wouldn’t know the true meaning of Fedora today. All connotations of heirarchical superiority have been stripped away as woman, blacks, and even the gays wear the hat, and in doing so corrupt and pollute it with impunity.

Fucking Disgusting Bullshit

What do you see when an intelligent white man wears a Fedora? I see a proud, powerful, sexual being, ready to use Logic to defeat any adversary, ready to grant only the youngest and most kawaii girls his very essence. Sadly, this true meaning is becoming lost today.

Some people – even some other white men (obviously of lower intelligence, probably Christian) – dare to laugh at my Fedora, even in the most noble of contexts, as when it sheltered me from the elements in the final hours of my chilly carpark wait for the PlayStation 4 launch.

It’s time to take the Fedora back. The first step is education. Next time you overhear someone mocking the great hat, simply smirk and ask if they’ve read Doki Doki Neko.