Be Sure Of Marriage, Put Affair On Hold

February 11, 1999|By Ann Landers.

Dear Ann Landers: I am a 30-year-old married woman who is having a full-blown affair. I never thought this would happen to me.

Before "Bob" and I were married last year, we were compatible and had similar interests. I was not in love with him, but we had been dating for six years. I was almost 30, and most of my friends were married. When Bob proposed, it seemed like the right thing to do. Immediately after the wedding, we began to fight. Bob goes out drinking every night, and I hate it. I have suggested counseling, but he won't go. We haven't made love for six months.

Several weeks ago, I became friendly with a man at work. "Max" paid a lot of attention to me and built up my battered self-esteem. It didn't take long for me to start seeing him on the side. Max is 40 and has never been married. He says he can make me happy and feel fulfilled, and I know he is right. Max has asked me to leave Bob and marry him.

I love Max, but I hesitate to throw away the long history I have with my husband. Also, I don't want to admit to my parents that my marriage is a failure. Another problem -- Bob's mother is very ill, and I'm afraid a divorce would kill her.

What should I do, Ann? I feel torn and trapped. I am in desperate need of advice.

At Loose Ends in Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvania: Put everything on hold until Bob's mother is well or, heaven forbid, no longer with us. Tell Bob he must go to Alcoholics Anonymous or the marriage is over. Be firm about this unless you are willing to be married to a drunk who is sure to get worse.

Stop seeing Max until you give Bob a chance to dry up. If Max really cares about you, he will leave you alone and be willing to let you give your marriage a chance to make it. You have a lot on your plate, lady, and I hope you are equal to the challenges that lie ahead.

Dear Ann Landers: I recently gave a dinner party. I prefer to serve my guests myself and tried to be emphatic about it, but one guest insisted on "helping" me. I know "Lola" was only trying to be useful, but she was getting in my way. I asked her several times to please sit down and stay out of the kitchen, but she followed me around and insisted on giving me a hand.

To get her off my back, I asked her to take a creamer into the dining room and place it on the table. Well, she dropped it on the tile floor, shattering the handle and spilling the cream all over the place. Lola then had the nerve to say that good china like mine is really just for show and I should not have been using it.

My great-grandmother's creamer is, of course, irreplaceable, but I am going to get another china handle crafted onto it. Should I send Lola the bill?

Slow Burn in Pasadena, Calif.

Dear Slow Burn: Stick your toe in the water for testing. Tell Lola you've found a place that will mend the creamer and ask if she would like the bill. My guess is she will be happy to pay it. It will ease her conscience and cool your anger.

Gem of the Day (Sent in by an Ohio reader): An officer of ancient Rome, called away to the wars, locked his beautiful wife in armor and gave the key to his best friend with the admonition, "If I don't return in six months, use this key. To you, my dear friend, I entrust it." He then galloped off to the wars. About 10 miles from home, he saw a cloud of dust approaching and waited. His trusted friend, on horseback, galloped up and said, "You gave me the wrong key."

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