[Cardinal] Egan took issue with a U.S. News & World Report magazine story on a controversial new book called "The Jesus Dynasty: The Hidden History of Jesus, His Royal Family, and the Birth of Christianity," by a religious studies professor at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte. The book by James Tabor claims that Jesus was the son of a Roman soldier and that he wanted to establish a worldwide dynasty led by 12 tribal leaders, with his brother James, rather than Peter, as its leader.

[Cue Krusty the Clown groan:] "Oyyyy..."

I hereby announce My Controversial Jesus Claim for 2006: Tabor is wrong--Jesus was the first Shogun of Japan, and the original lost text of the Gospels establishes this. Christ was called "sensei," not "rabbi." In that passage of John where he was writing in the sand, Jesus was actually diagramming the whoop-ass karate moves he was going to lay on the Pharisees if they didn't let that woman go.

Moreover, neither Peter nor James were intended to be his successor. That honor went to Simon the Zealot, who was also a Ninja--the coolest Jewish Ninja ever.

In fact, Simon was so totally sweet as a Ninja that all the other apostles got jealous and made sure the so-called canonical gospels never showed him saying anything or using his Ultimate Ninja Powers. Check it out for yourself.