Friday, March 2, 2012

Boobiful

Girls just wanna have……..boobies?

I have big boobs. I
have always had big boobs, and there are times in my life where they have been
the bane of my existence and there are other times when they have been the most
helpful things in my life. Now, I am not
talking about their shelf status, or the ability to use them to help put my
lipstick on while I am holding drinks in my hands, rather I am talking about
their ability to distract people so that they do what I want.

In all started in the summer between 5th and 6th
grade. You see that is when I got my
period, and then in one summer it was like god stepped on the bike pump a
little too long and overnight a C-cup appeared on my chest. (Now they are more like D’s but I blame that
on gravity, good food and wine).

I think that I was the first girl at my private school to
even wear a “real” bra. All of the other
girls were wearing these sporty, razor back things and I had to go for the
maidenform underwire industrial bra that helped keep my baby puppies strapped
tight to my chest.

My first true experience with these suckers was when I was
15. My grandparents took me to the
Marines Memorial Hotel in San Francisco to go to dinner and see some
musical. My grandmother took me to Nordstrom’s
and bought me this cute little skirt and this short jacket. The jacket was this beautiful peach linen
jacket that was cropped in a military fashion with a snazzy cross button in
front. HOLEEE Shit, I thought I was da
bomb in this jacket. And of course, my
new boobies were encased in a tight white top under the jacket.

So after dinner and the show, my grandparents want to go and
have a night cap in the bar of the hotel.
And who am I to say no…PPPFFFTTT…15 with new boobies and hormones raging….HELL
YA.

The place is packed, apparently a
new Air Force Lieutenant group had just graduated and they were taking over the
bar. The only place left to sit was at
the bar. AT the BAR….Yeah. So as we sit at the bar, my grandmother says,
“Jana, take of your jacket sweetie” Not
thinking anything of it, I arch back and take off my jacket. The entire row of guys at the bar stop and
look at me as I am arching back, and one young brave Lieutenant says, “OH MY
GOD”. I think that I folded back into
myself at this moment, I was so embarrassed.
The young man then looks at my grandfather and says, “Sir, I…I…can I buy
your family a drink, sir” My grandfather
says, “Son, that is my granddaughter and the only thing that you will be
looking at are my eyes at this bar.” Of
course, my grandparents thought this was hysterical after we left the bar. As we get into the elevator, they totally
made it more awkward with my Grandmother saying, “Well, little bean, it’s
obviously that while you have your mother’s beauty, you were blessed with my
rack.” This does explain while my mother
banned me from “borrowing” her bras, she always complained that I stretched
them out.

Fast forward to my college graduation trip to Europe. Who doesn’t want an all expense paid trip
to Europe, where your Grandparents rent a house in Southern France and then take
you on little “mini” trips to Paris, Monte Carlo, Italy and England. Their idea of “roughing it” consisted of
hotel rooms at the Hilton.

So, of course, I did what any single, new college graduate
would do……I spent 95.5% of my time on the beach at St. Maxime…..topless.

Did you know that you can burn your nipples? Did you??
Did you?? Well, I did not. Of course, my grandfather asks that I wait
until he falls asleep before taking my top off, which isn’t too long because
any time he sat down he fell asleep within 5 minutes. So my grandmother would warn me…..”Little
bean….he’s asleep….you can take your top off.”
Now, I know that many of you might be surprised by my grandparents but
let’s just say….(1) they still made out in front of me (gack, ick, gross, but
now that I am married….I can’t wait to do that in front of my grandkids) (2)
When my grandparents lived in Hawaii, my grandmother faked a heart attack on
the beach so that this cute lifeguard who kept walking by and checking me out,
would finally come over. I eventually
got over the mortification and shagged him on the beach later that week.

Apparently the sight of fresh college boobies naked does
strange things to men of all ages. One
very, very, very wrinkly old man who only had his privates encased in a
g-string nut sack cover wanted to buy me a drink. Then a very burned white German man tried to
talk to me….it was very hard to understand him over wincing at his burn. A creepy old Saudi man tried to buy me from
my grandparents. And a very cute
Scottish boy charmed his way over and managed to snag my “attention” . Later when I was back in the States, he
mailed me a picture he had taken of my boobies.
On the back of the photo…..he wrote “The Rockies”.

I still have the photo….after I had my girls, I pull it out occasionally
to confirm that my rack was once nice and high and that yes, I indeed had
pretty little pink nipples.

And we arrive at the here and now………

The other day, my youngest daughter wanted to get in the
shower with me, which is fine because it saves me time. As we are in the shower, she pauses and we
start this conversation:

Ankle Biter #2:
Mommy, sit down

Me: Why

AB #2: I want to talk
to you

Me: (Sigh) ok

AB#2: Criss-cross
apple sauce, Mommy (long suffering sigh)

Me: Fine

AB#2: I have two
questions for you, (1) How did your boobs get sooooooooooooooooo big and (2)
when am I going to get mine?

Me: (Stunned that she
actually broke it down and help up fingers to annotate between the #1 question
and the #2 question) Well, they grew
that way on me and you will get yours in high school.

AB#2: Well, Mommie,
that is fine, but will mine be as low as yours? (In the meantime, she is trying
to lift them up and I am smacking her hands off my boobs)

Me: Get out of the shower.

But the other day, a sweet young 17 year old boy made me
feel so much better. At the checkout, he
was helping me put a coupon into the “self-service” checkout machine. The next thing I know, he is giving me like
$30 worth of coupons and I was stunned.
I turned to him (and of course, who isn’t taller than me) to say thanks.

I looked to make eye
contact with him and say, “Hey, thanks, that was awesome!!.” He looks down my top and says, “Yeah, no
problem”