Archive for September, 2010

I was having a group discussion with some of my co-workers, when a bubbly female character appeared out of nowhere and interrupted the session. After a few cheerful exchange of informal compliments with the members of the group, the afore said female character (let’s call her Chicken) then saw me and asked overtly,

Chicken: “So, who is this guy? A new employee?”

Feeling compelled to not look like a dork, I managed to pull a straight face and answered her curiosity myself,

Me: “I’m the new Vice President of this company.”

Chicken: “Hhyeah right, and I’m the CEO.”

Me: “You really shouldn’t say things like that to a VP.”

And then one of the guy team member decided to help out,

Guy member: “Hey Chicken, just look at his badge. He’s agent number 001…”

Chicken strained her eyes to look at my badge and I showed her my name ‘MICHAEL OOI’, emphasis on my surname…

Me: “Yeah, that’s my agent number – 001.”

Chicken: “Heyyyy how did you get the 3 numbers there? Are you a contract worker or something?”

Me: “That’s actually an indication of my position in this company”

That was when her look changed to ‘OMGWTFBBQ’ and started to freak out. Just when I was beginning to wonder how goddamn gullible a female can get, the rest of the team members started to laugh square at her face and one of them had to explain to her repeatedly that it was my surname.

Chicken: “Ohhhhh you mean all along he’s just bluffing me right?”

No shit sherlock, and she had to ask that last question to double confirm…

Ask a Penangite which local food he/she’s going to miss most when away from Penang for a long period of time, you can bet your ass that person’s going to opt for ‘Hokkien Mee’ (noodle in prawn soup). It’s an all-time local favorite that has a long history of its own amongst its followers. A mere mention of ‘Penang Hokkien Mee’ could cause severe side effects such as spasmodic seizure, uncontrollable sweating, temporary paralysis, and for some extremely serious cases, near death experience. There’s only one remedy known to that – get the hell to Penang pronto and have a bowl (or a few). It’s how good it is.

But being in Penang for all my life, Hokkien Mee was just another suck ass food I could easily get from basically all over the place. I was NEVER excited about Hokkien Mee and was NEVER a fan. I’ve tried almost every place, none of them could give me the kind of kick that made me crazy enough to go back for more – well, until I accidentally discovered Uncle Tony’s Hokkien Mee, about a couple clicks away from where I live. That was about a year ago, when I was scouring for breakfast one morning at a place I frequented. I wasn’t in the mood for anything that morning so, I ordered a takeaway Hokkien Mee from a guy operating a Hokkien Mee stall who somewhat resembled a good friend of mine named Tony (hence the name). Then I went back home, and had that pack of noodle. The feeling I had was close to coming in my pants! It was the most fucking good Hokkien Mee I ever had! (and one of the cheapest too, only RM2.50) The first thought I had was, maybe it was just a one time thing you know, as I have experienced countless of times at other outlets before. So I decided to try Uncle Tony’s stall for a few more times, and verified its consistency. From then on, I found my enlightenment and achieved nirvana. I am now a level nine saint with enough prawn essence in me to clog the arteries of a thousand hearts.

So where is Uncle Tony’s stall located? For Penangites, it’s located at So Young Cafe coffeeshop/kopitiam. Right beside the famous oyster sauce chicken rice stall. Make sure you go there before 9.30am. For those of you dumbass Penangites who have no clue where So Young cafe is, it’s located at Jalan Tan Sri Teh Ewe Lim, about 200 meters after Lam Wah Ee Hospital. For those of you with GPS, it’s located at the following coordinate : N5 23.539 E100 18.443. If you still do not have an idea where it is, then fuck off, you do not deserve a piece of awesome from Uncle Tony.

It seems to be a fad nowadays for the young people to act like consummate douchebags. I duly blame it on the internet, for turning them into the way they despicably are.

Just the other day, I saw what appears to be a bunch of college students that became especially animated when they saw some coin operated kiddy rides in the mall. They acted like they’ve never seen one before. A lanky dipshit in the group then climbed into one of the kiddy rides – which was obviously too small for him – and started to make his best impression of being funny by sticking out a tongue / crossed his eyes like he had palsy or something like that. About half a dozen of his male + female friends began to laugh hysterically like it was the funniest thing ever and they each whipped out a phone camera and started to snap some pictures away, while the afore said male subject posed with even more handicapped expressions, much to the amusement of the group.

I reckon that probably half of them would post the pictures up on their Facebook profile to complement their farm animals/vegetables snapshots from their online farm game, outlining the perceived fun they had at the mall to their hordes of similarly retarded and easily amused virtual friends – whom I also reckon, happen to be active participants of Earth Hour and believers that mass forwarding emails could save someone’s life.

I can’t help but wonder – “Is it really that amusing?”. I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with them. It would have been totally sensible if they’re drunk, but they’re not. They’re just being what they are – attention seeking douchebags. The internet has undoubtedly churned out a generation of young people with fucking detestable behaviors that I find hard to accept. These people would do anything to get themselves some attention. Sporting loathsome hairstyles, retching sense of fashion, adopting fake accents, having the compelling urge to act like a dickhead at any given opportunity, type their messages like this –> doUchEBaGs LoLz ^__^. When they don’t get a chance to be with their gang of mental cripples, they’d camwhore with their cameras/phones – with fucked up poses like excessive pursing of the lips, poking of the face, close up shots to disproportionate the upperhead to look cute, etc.

Fucking hell.

I think I am becoming more and more antisocial because of people like them. I can feel the widening gap between myself and the society, like an EOL piece of appliance from the past, in a demanding world of drivers/OS with redundant graphics, blue screens and malware worms. My wife says that this is a healthy cycle between the older generation and the young. When people get old, they’d naturally find it hard to accept the culture that young people adopt. And vice versa.

Maybe it is true, that this is all about getting old. The thing is, I have just turned 33 a few weeks back, and if the difference of mere 16 – 17 years is gonna cause me to flare up like this, then I can’t imagine what I’d be when I become a really old fart (eg. when I’m in my 60’s). I’d probably be wearing a restrainer mask like Hannibal Lecter.

There was this topic on the radio this morning during the traffic jam, on whether women want their men to look good. As usual, the DJ’s opened the topic to the listeners, and a flurry of them started to call in. I kinda expected a consistency of opinions but it was a mess. Some agreed, and some said the ladies want their men to look bad, so that he’d get less attention from other females. Some said a bunch of crap. Everyone seemed to have a different take on what it is that the women want. The truth is, though we men may have advanced far in quantum physics, we still could not really figure out for certain on what the rodless gender wants.

Well, the answer is not that simple. It’s not just about what they want, for there is no definite thing that they want in us men. It’s just not the way they work. Not that I’m saying I know the answer. I don’t (I would have won a Nobel prize if I do). But I do have a theory though, which explains most if not all of the eccentricities – the ‘inverted formula’.

Here’s how the ‘inverted formula’ works: the ladies want exactly the opposite of the present state a man is. For example, if her beau looks good and awesome, she’d want him to look sloppy. That’s because his awesomeness would make her feel insecure, and afraid of him leaving her for a better woman. He’d have to be less awesome so that she could have him all by herself. To make him less awesome, just make him sloppy and fat. Similarly, if her man’s fugly/sloppy, she would want him to look good. That’s because men like that make them look bad in front of their judgmental female friends. Like a fake Gucci bag. So to mitigate that reputation damaging potential, she’d want him to look the best at every function/occasion. Or hide him at home. And the process would repeat, after her beau changed for better/worse, she’d want him to invert his status again, until he dies. Bizzarre, but true.

This formula also works on all other things as well. Ever wondered why your girlfriend/wife always think the dinner you ordered for yourself is better than hers? The ‘inverted formula’ at work here. By reversing the formula, you’d get a more accurate picture of what the ladies want. It’s up to one’s own creativity to exploit the advantage to its most optimum level (hint: permission to go out late). It worked for me so far, even on my daughter too.

Try to assess your situation someday, you could be better off at your own choosing. ;-)