If there are Teens…then there are No Thanksgiving Leftovers

According the national society of statistics that I just made up on the spot (NSSTIJMUOTS), 90% of American households with teens in them have 0 Thanksgiving leftovers.

I know what you’re thinking: “ .” You’re not thinking anything, because you are a teen (that’s why I am about to tell you what you should be thinking). You should be thinking (brains ready?): “How is it that most American houses have no leftovers? Most Turkeys are 9+ lbs!”

Well, the answer is simple: you forgot the part about “teens” being in those households. For those of you who don’t know, TEEN stands for Tirelessly and Effortlessly Eats until Nothing remains (or TAEEUNR in the long form, pronounced “teen-ager.” The ‘N’ is silent).

But even so, only teen boys truly have a stomach large enough for the entire Turkey. What about teen girls?

To answer that, I’ve illustrated a few possible thanksgiving scenes:

The Small Family Gathering Teen Example:

Chef (probably the mother, or grandmother, or aunt, or, if it is New Hampshire, a presidential candidate): Come to the table! The dinner is served!

Chef’s husband/wife/spouse/chandelier (from herein referred to as Parent 2): That looks delicious. Thanks for making such a nice dinner. What do you say, teen son/daughter/animal/robot?

CEO: Sure, son. I am going to pause and be thankful that I get $5,000,000 a year for having nice hair and a deep commanding voice. [Short pause] Let’s eat. [Minor start as he sees that the turkey is half gone, already eaten by son]

CEO’s wife: It’s fine, honey, we can always afford to buy our neighbor’s dinner if we run out.

CEO: You’re right about that. [Laughs

[Teen finishes entire turkey. CEO orders another from his chef. Teen eats that one also. CEO walks across to his neighbor’s kitchen and buys his turkey for $10,000. Teen eats that one too. There are no leftovers. Teen eats professional chef.]

The Large Family Gathering Teen Example:

Chefs (Grandmas, aunts, moms, etc.) [in unison]: Dinner’s ready!

[Small stampede of dads, grandpas, kids, and most importantly, teens. One dad falls through the floorboards in his rush]

Male host: Let’s just pause a moment and go around to each of the 86 members of the Grabowski family we have here and ask for what everyone is thankful for. I’ll start: I am thankful that flight Delta-344, the one coming from New York carrying another 97 members of our family that were planning on coming tonight, was only delayed for three decades in O’Hare, and not for a whole century.

Female host: And I’m thankful that O’Hare has a Starbucks. [Nods to person on left]

Aunt, or cousin, or somehow related: I am thankful for this enormous meal, and that Marge managed to drive all 34 18-lb turkeys from the store to the kitchen in only two trips, before the snow started. [Nods to her left]

[All other teens start eating. Choking kid slips under table, where he is saved from choking by the family dog, who sits on his back amiably. Parents try to control havoc and receive potatoes in the face in return. They run from room. 6 minutes later: no Thanksgiving leftovers.]

So, in recap: scene 1=no leftovers, scene 2=no leftovers, and scene 3=no leftovers. Also, there were no talking light fixtures in scenes two or three (for those filling out the advanced stat sheet).

Note to readers: I am going to remove the Google Followers gadget, as it appears to no longer be working and Google is discontinuing the service. If you want to receive updates from this blog, you can subscribe in a reader or by e-mail (top right box).

Also, I just thought I’d mention that in honor of black Friday, our free ebook is extra free (in fact, it’s a whole 40% off), meaning that you can now get it free of charge here (not that you couldn’t anyways, but it just isn’t black Friday without black Friday sales).

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Before you get to thinking I am just the average brain-dead teenager, you should read some of my stuff. Then you'll figure out that I'm extremely brain-dead. For more on me, take a look at some of the about links (My Real Name, About this Blog, About the Writers).