So I was recently seated at the Denver Center’s Ricketson Theatre, waiting for the start of “Sunsets & Margaritas,” when the woman arrived at the seat in front of me. She took off her coat and draped it over her chair, depositing its fluffy hood right onto my lap.

Where it remained, oblivious to her, for the duration of the play.

I wondered, would it be inappropriate to request a tip for checking her coat? Or to write “GET OFF OF ME!” on her hood with my Flair pen?

The latter, I was fairly sure, might be.

As the youngest of eight siblings, I am used to enduring a quadraphonic assault of bad behavior unto me. So in eight years as a theater critic, I’ve been driven to get up and actually change seats only twice. Once was because of the smell. Seriously. At Town Hall’s “Gypsy,” it was because of the surround-sound of four open-mouthed gum-clackers.

Because I don’t pay for my seats — yes, I am comped for shows I review — I’ve never felt it was my place to turn around and politely ask a paying customer to, I dunno, “Chew with your mouth closed, you stupid mad cow!”

Then again, a critic’s already the most hated man in the room. So why not me? If not, then whose job is it to police theater boors? Ushers? Other theatergoers?

More and more, it’s becoming the actors themselves.

Recently in Edinburgh, Scotland, Patrick Stewart was approached by an autograph-hunter after a performance of “Waiting for Godot.” Recognizing him as the clod who had snapped photos during the play (despite repeated warnings), the bald and the beautiful one called this man a very bad name before bellowing, “What I really want to know is, how you can sleep at night? I really hope you’re pleased with yourself!”

Never got into “Star Trek.” Love Patrick Stewart.

A favorite anecdote comes from London in 2005. When a woman’s cellphone went off for a third time, Richard Griffiths (you know him as Harry Potter’s Uncle Vernon) stopped the play midscene and told the woman to get out. “The 750 people here would be fully justified in suing you for ruining their afternoon,” Griffiths said, to a standing ovation.

Say what you will about the Brits, but no one’s better at snotty admonitions.

Oafish behavior in theaters seems to be on the rise. And it’s not just that cellphones are ringing. It’s that people are answering them — and conducting vital conversations. Apparently, “What are you doing?” is the kind of universal question that just can’t wait until intermission for an answer.

I once saw a girl answer her phone and say in a non-hushed speaking voice, “I’m watching a play — what are you doing? (Pause). No, it kinda sucks. The movie was way better.”

I trace this unfortunate trend to the rise of home-theater systems. People so habitually enjoy movies at home nowadays that when they actually do crawl out of their basements, they’ve lost that synapse that once might have reminded them, “Psst: You’re in public! . . . Put on some pants!”

In Minneapolis, Denver native John Carroll Lynch made the local paper last year for stopping his performance as Eddie Carbone in “A View from the Bridge.” During an intense scene, a man in the second row who had been repeatedly disruptive blurted something out loud.

Lynch, as imposing in physical presence as he is genial in real life, broke character. He walked down to the man and said, “I’m very sorry, but you are going to have to be quiet so the show can continue.” Jaws dropped, then hands exploded in applause.

My question is why was it Lynch’s job to silence this buffoon?

As the economy has tanked, theater staff seem far less aggressive in admonishing bad behavior themselves. Kick out a paying customer, and you’re kicking out any chance of repeat business. It makes me miss the good old days when New York theaters were so smug, they passed a law making cellphone ringing a $50 offense.

Bad behavior has become so pervasive, it’s ordinary. It’s no longer enough that at every play, there seems to be “that guy” who must fill every quiet moment of his life with some kind of sound — even a dramatic pause on a stage. That’s when you often hear running commentaries on the play you’re watching, as if he’s been hired by CNN. At least Bill O’Reilly waits until Obama’s left the dais to start tearing his words apart.

“That guy” is everywhere. So now it takes spectacularly bad behavior to even register with me.

Like when I was seated at the cramped, general-admission Victorian Playhouse. A woman wanted to pass, which necessitated my having to step out into the aisle. Happy to oblige.

Six cardinal rules of theater etiquette:

Cellphones will go off. It happens. If it’s yours, simply turn it off. But never answer the call and conduct a conversation!

Unwrap your candy before the play begins. If you forget, and you have no self-control, rip your wrapper open with one abrupt, surgical tear. Under no circumstance should you unwrap said piece over several minutes, employing the measured caution of a field agent disarming a bomb.

Do not sing along. There’s only one Evita. Or at least only one audiences paid to hear sing.

Shut up with your coochy-coo already. You may be in love, but that life force does not ensconce you two in a soundproof hyperbaric chamber. We can hear you!

You will occasionally arrive late. It happens. And people will be forgiving if you wait to move into your row until a blackout or the end of a song. People are less understanding if you sit down and immediately ask the stranger next to you, “So, what did I miss?”

Text this: You may think text-messaging in the theater is a victimless crime, but your screen can be seen from several rows away. It’s as obnoxious as flashing someone your brights on a highway.

John Moore

This week’s theater openings

Tuesday and Wednesday, April 28 and 29: Touring production of “Cirque Eloize,” Buell Theatre

Opening Thursday, April 30, through May 24: New Denver Civic’s “When We Were Fab”

Opening Friday, May 1, through May 23: E-Project’s “Seascape” Lakewood

Opening Friday, May 1, through May 17: StageDoor Theatre’s “Thoroughly Modern Millie” Conifer

Opening Saturday, May 2, through May 30: Paragon’s “Bus Stop”

This week’s closings

Today, April 26: Lake Dillon’s “The Good Body”

Today, April 26: Manitou Art Theater’s “Signature” Colorado Springs

Today, April 26: Union Colony’s “Out of Order” Greeley

Today, April 26: Backstage’s “Office Space, the Musical” Breckenridge

Today, April 26: Arvada Festival Playhouse’s “Same Time, Another Year”

Today, April 26: El Centro Su Teatro’s “Bless Me, Ultima”

Saturday, May 2: OpenStage’s “Anon(ymous)” Fort Collins

Saturday, May 2: Longmont Theatre Company’s “Deathtrap”

Saturday, May 2: Coal Creek Community Theatre’s “You Can’t Take It With You” Louisville

Saturday, May 2: Crossroads Theatre’s “The Blue Vagabond”

Sunday, May 3: Vintage Theatre’s “Romeo and Juliet”

Sunday, May 3: Denver Children’s Theatre’s “The Golden Goose”

Most recent theater openings

“Absurd Person Singular”Over the span of three Christmases, three English couples struggle to achieve and maintain their place on the social ladder in this outlandish, dark British comedy by Alan Ayckbourn. Through May 16. Theatre Company of Lafayette, 300 E. Simpson St., 720-209-2154 or tclstage.org

“Bless Me, Ultima”Back by popular demand, one more weekend of El Centro Su Teatro’s workshop presentation of Rudolfo Anaya’s seminal and oft-banned 1972 novel. It’s about a boy growing up in 1940s New Mexico, trying to reconcile conflicts between his Roman Catholic faith and Native American mysticism. Through Sunday. 4725 High St., 303-296-0219 or suteatro.org

“Cyrano de Bergerac”Edmond Rostand’s swashbuckling love story about the lovesick Frenchman and his debilitatingly large proboscis. Through May 17. TheatreWorks, 3955 Cragwood Drive, Colorado Springs, 719-255-3232 or uccstheatreworks.com

“Morisot Reclining”The love story of renowned Impressionists Berthe Morisot and Edouard Manet, narrated by fellow painters Edgar Degas and Mary Cassatt. Written by Denver’s William C. Kovacsik. Through May 9. Presented by Boulder Ensemble Theatre Company at the Dairy Center, 2590 Walnut St., Boulder, 303-440-7826 or boulderensembletheatre.org and here’s a 10-page script sample

And introducing … The Running Lines blog

You can now find John Moore’s roundup of daily theater news and dialogue, including information on how local actors can audition for the Denver Center Theatre Company’s upcoming season: blogs.denverpost.com/runninglines

Re-cap: This week’s theater coverage in The Denver Post

JOHN MOORE’S COLUMNS

Remembering Mary: Pat Mahoney hopes the theater community will pause this week to remember his wife, Mary Chandler Mahoney, who died April 9 at age 55. click here

Bad behavior in the theater: Oafish behavior in theaters seems to be on the rise. As the economy has tanked, theater staff seem far less aggressive in admonishing bad behavior themselves. So whose job is it politely ask a paying customer to, say, “Chew with your mouth closed, you stupid mad cow!” click here

NEWS:

Columbine witness: “Accomplish something” Actor Scott Rathbun was valedictorian of the Columbine High School Class of 1999. On the 10th anniversary of the massacre, he says, “I took the conscious perspective that, if I let it control my life, then they won.” click here and see below for an accompanying video:

Arvada Center casting: The Arvada Center is one of the few local theater companies that’s conducts national auditions. A Q&A with the creative team from “Evita” on the pros and cons. click here