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Moved Away

So one of the worst possible things that could happen to me for my wedding happened. One of my very best friends, and my bridesman is moving back to his home country, and cannot come back for the wedding. I am already devastated by this, but I do have another close friend in mind to ask to be my bridesmaid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and we only have 4 people on each side so without my bridesman, I would only have 3 so the numbers would be off. The girl I want to ask to be my bridesmaid is familiar with the situation, and she is a few years older than me so I feel like she is mature enough to understand the situation, and I really don’t think she would be offended or put off by being asked second because it truly did come down to numbers being why I didn’t ask her in the first place. For this situation, where my bridesman literally cannot come to the wedding, do you think it is acceptable to ask my other friend to be my bridesmaid now that I have a spot for her?

Answers

So one of the worst possible things that could happen to me for my wedding happened. One of my very best friends, and my bridesman is moving back to his home country, and cannot come back for the wedding. I am already devastated by this, but I do have another close friend in mind to ask to be my bridesmaid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and we only have 4 people on each side so without my bridesman, I would only have 3 so the numbers would be off. The girl I want to ask to be my bridesmaid is familiar with the situation, and she is a few years older than me so I feel like she is mature enough to understand the situation, and I really don’t think she would be offended or put off by being asked second because it truly did come down to numbers being why I didn’t ask her in the first place. For this situation, where my bridesman literally cannot come to the wedding, do you think it is acceptable to ask my other friend to be my bridesmaid now that I have a spot for her?

No. These are not roles to fill. You don't have 'spots'. Your attendants are the people you can't imagine getting married without standing right next to you. You will still be just as married with 3 rather than 4. If it was truly important for this person to be there, you wouldn't have let a silly thing like matching numbers stand in the way.

I am sorry your friend can't be there. That is sad. However, there is no way to make this person feel like a B-List place holder. You have said yourself the only reason you are asking her is not because you can't imagine getting married without her (because you easily can- and did!) but because you are a 'perfectionist' and want numbers to match. It doesn't come down to maturity or understanding the situation. It comes down to you being a good friend. No one likes to feel like a plan B back up.

Enjoy your 3 remaining attendants and also check the hyperbole. This is sad, but its not 'the worst possible thing that you can imagine'. Your life is great if your friend moving is the worst thing to ever happen to you. Its sad, and frustrating, but keep perspective.

I wouldn’t do it, even if you think she won’t feel that way, you’re still inviting her after the fact and she’ll know she’s just replacing someone, and your bridesman will know he’s easily being replaced. Even sides are not the most important thing, and not worth risking two friendships over.

So one of the worst possible things that could happen to me for my wedding happened. One of my very best friends, and my bridesman is moving back to his home country, and cannot come back for the wedding. I am already devastated by this, but I do have another close friend in mind to ask to be my bridesmaid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and we only have 4 people on each side so without my bridesman, I would only have 3 so the numbers would be off. The girl I want to ask to be my bridesmaid is familiar with the situation, and she is a few years older than me so I feel like she is mature enough to understand the situation, and I really don’t think she would be offended or put off by being asked second because it truly did come down to numbers being why I didn’t ask her in the first place. For this situation, where my bridesman literally cannot come to the wedding, do you think it is acceptable to ask my other friend to be my bridesmaid now that I have a spot for her?

Insult and offense have no age boundaries. I would be put off regardless of my age that I was being asked to be a number rather than a friend.

I have to agree with @LondonLisa regarding the hyperbole. It would be one thing had you said you were devastated that your best friend is moving and his absence will impact your heart. However, your emotional status was more concerned with the symmetry of your wedding party.

So one of the worst possible things that could happen to me for my wedding happened. One of my very best friends, and my bridesman is moving back to his home country, and cannot come back for the wedding. I am already devastated by this, but I do have another close friend in mind to ask to be my bridesmaid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and we only have 4 people on each side so without my bridesman, I would only have 3 so the numbers would be off. The girl I want to ask to be my bridesmaid is familiar with the situation, and she is a few years older than me so I feel like she is mature enough to understand the situation, and I really don’t think she would be offended or put off by being asked second because it truly did come down to numbers being why I didn’t ask her in the first place. For this situation, where my bridesman literally cannot come to the wedding, do you think it is acceptable to ask my other friend to be my bridesmaid now that I have a spot for her?

One of my SIL's bridesmaids didn't come to her wedding. That was sad for her, but my SIL realized that it was not "one of the worst things that could happen," that even sides were unnecessary, and that anyone she asked to replace the bridesmaid would be hurt to be B-listed as a wedding party member.

She did not replace the bridesmaid and married my brother without changing their plans. That was in 1999. It was a very happy occasion for all, and they are married today with two children.

Don't replace your bridesman. You do not have a "spot" open, and it never "came down to numbers" why you didn't ask your other friend in the first place. What it came down to is that you didn't care enough about your other friend to ask her when you asked everyone else. That boat has sailed.

So one of the worst possible things that could happen to me for my wedding happened. One of my very best friends, and my bridesman is moving back to his home country, and cannot come back for the wedding. I am already devastated by this, but I do have another close friend in mind to ask to be my bridesmaid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and we only have 4 people on each side so without my bridesman, I would only have 3 so the numbers would be off. The girl I want to ask to be my bridesmaid is familiar with the situation, and she is a few years older than me so I feel like she is mature enough to understand the situation, and I really don’t think she would be offended or put off by being asked second because it truly did come down to numbers being why I didn’t ask her in the first place. For this situation, where my bridesman literally cannot come to the wedding, do you think it is acceptable to ask my other friend to be my bridesmaid now that I have a spot for her?

Except YOU chose to have 4 bridesmaids, not 5. like you chose to meet a number you determined, it's not like someone else picked 4 for you

"Hi friend, I didn't ask you to be in my wedding in the first place because having you in there would make it look weird from a numbers perspective. But my first choice isn't available, so now I need you. Cool?"

For a person with “minimalist” in your username, you’re complicating things. Your proposed plan strains two friendships- one person learns they’re replaceable and another was B-listed (but should be okay with it bc of her age??). Definitely don’t do this.

Two days before my wedding, my grandmother had a health complication and was hospitalized; she wasn’t able to attend. We were all a bit sad celebrating, but it wasn’t the “worst possible thing that could happen to me for my wedding”. A VIP dying suddenly, the bride or groom not showing up...I don’t mean to be negative, but uneven BP sides isn’t the worst possible thing.

Sides do not have to be even. Do not replace this bridesman. Wedding party members are people, not job positions that need to be filled. It doesn't say much about your friendship with either of these people that you think it's fine to just replace one with the other.

That’s a no. Don’t do this. It is hurtful and immature. Way to tell your other friend she wasn’t good enough for the first cut, and way to make your friend that is moving to feel like she is replaceable.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of the WP, the only thing they have to do is show up sober, on time, and in the right attire on the day of the wedding. They don’t have to plan you parties, set up decorations, or anything else.

@minimalisty, it sounds like you just recently found out and are understandably upset that he won’t be able to attend your wedding! Replacing him with another friend is the type of thing someone would do in a state of panic and later regret. You made the right choice in coming here to get unbiased feedback on your idea! You’re questioning it because something in your gut is telling you it’s wrong.

Go with your gut, which has been backed up by all of us here, and simply I invite this woman as a guest. Do not worry about the numbers of your wedding party. I’m sure your photographer will have worked with plenty of other odd-numbered groups, but you can remind them to downplay any asymmetry if you’re very concerned.

Your wedding will be beautiful and special even though your bridesman won’t be there. Perhaps you can arrange for a FaceTime/Skype chat with him as you’re getting ready.