This is my story of my voyage with my Co-Writer, My Higher Power to sobriety via the internet. It was here that I reclaimed my life.
You have your own voyage to plot, your own stars to follow whether you choose my path or choose another with AA, or with one of the many fine addiction treatment centers
The important thing is that you do what you can. Now.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Just Another Manic Monday

Today I'm thankful for fresh starts and earplugs.

Good Monday morning, my two faithful readers. I don't know how manic it will be. I'm feeling a little tired and grumpy. I've gotten into the habit of getting up around 5:00 am just so I can have some alone time and some blissful silence. The minute, the cap'n gets up that TV goes on and it doesn't go off until he goes to bed. It drives me crazy! We live in a small old A-frame and I've taken to closing myself away in the back bedroom just to escape the infernal noise. There that's my spew for today.

Of course, the three glasses of wine last night could have contributed to my grumpiness this morning, too. Yes, you might have noticed I didn't put an abstinence day count at the start of this post. I fell off the abstinence wagon on Friday. We took a lunch train ride through the mountains and it called for a bottle of wine that we split between us. So I didn't make the recommended 30 again but I'm okay with that. I've abstained 40 out of the last 50 days and I think I've learned the lessons that abstinence has to teach. Just as I suspected, going 30 days without a drink is not a cure-all. You don't wake up on day 31 as a new person that no longer suffers the uncontrollable urge to drink. How do I know this since I've never made it to Day 30? I've read enough testimonials from people that have and have slid right back into the old habits. So why bother suffering through those 30 days? For me it was magical! I didn't say it was a magical cure-all but it was magical all the same. It was a time of reaquaintance. A time to renew a relationship with a world I had forgotten existed. A time filled with days that I couldn't wait to jump out of bed and start the day. A time filled with conversations with friends and family that I didn't stumble through, forget or regret. A time filled with real feelings, good and bad, not dulled or exaggerated, just genuine.

It was also a time to reacquaint myself with me. It was like getting together with an old school chum (I guess I'm feeling British this morning, too) that I hadn't seen for years. It was scary and exciting. Would I recognize her? Would I even like her? I did recognize her but she had changed. She was more confident then I remember. She was funnier and her wit was quicker. She still shares my fashion dysfunctionality but she does manage to brush her teeth and hair every day. She's genuine. She doesn't make excuses or hide her faults, while she's not proud of them, she accepts them as part of her and deals with them instead of avoiding them by hiding behind a bottle. She faces every day with gritty determination and, best of all, hope. She knows she is capable of handling whatever task is presented to her without the crutch of alcohol. I'd hate her if she wasn't me, or the person I could be. I think I like her. I definitely want to get to know her better.

Back to those three glasses of wine. I'm ambivalent about moderation so far. Since Friday, I've drank two days (I abstained on Saturday because I just didn't feel like drinking, It was a novel experience to say no when I'd given myself permission to drink). I've drank more than I had planned and more than recommended by the moderation theory experts, but I've been able to put the brakes on and I haven't woke up with any hangovers. I feel a difference from when I was abstaining, though. A lessening of my enthusiasm. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived.

So I'm out there today to do my best to un-grump myself and get to know "me" a little better.