Fact-checking. In case you are dead, or a Habs fan, you need to be sure you indeed slept with Tiger and not some other rich, buff, Thai-Chinese-black-Dutch-Native American-Buddhist golfer.

I'll plot Woods sightings in southern Ontario and see if your paths crossed.

Tiger has not played the Canadian Open since 2001, but maybe you bedded him on one of his corporate and charity trips north.

The Buick commercial shoot in Kitchener, for example, or the Nike fundraiser at the Magna course in Aurora.

And Tiger was just down the road at Royal Montreal for that classic duel with Mike Weir at the 2007 Presidents Cup. Listen, if you slept with Tiger and Mike Weir, you've struck double-gold.

If you rolled in the hay with Tiger after his dramatic win in the 2000 Canadian Open at Glen Abbey, you're golden, too.

Golf historians will forever link you with that brilliant six-iron out of the sand over water at the 18th.

Tiger considers it one of his greatest strokes. The shot, I mean.

Press relations. Okay, so you bagged Tiger. Who do you tell? How and when?

I can teach you the secrets of manipulating the media. You can't just hold an I Slept With Tiger press conference. You have to play coy. Call the press, then cancel.

Leak the juice bit by bit. The New York Post is a good start. Anonymously tell the paparazzi where you'll be. Make sure the Internet is seeded with photos of you scantily clad.

Counselling. Your brush with the greatest athlete on the planet is sure to leave scars. I call it Post Tiger Stress Syndrome.

Symptoms include sleepless nights, sweating, palpitations and the yips. Some sufferers scream "take that, Phil!" in the darkness before dawn.

The only known cure is a bag full of lullaby money.

Want yours? You must act now. The line grows daily. So far:

Vegas cocktail waitress Jamie Jungers, 26 and an Elin clone. She has hired a lawyer and is expected to spill the beans to a supermarket tabloid near you.

What's a proper harem without a porn actress? Tiger's is Holly Sampson, 36, star of Diary of a Horny Housewife and OMG Stop Tickling Me. Details are sketchy, but the betting is Holly's had even more bedmates than Tiger.

Rachel Uchitel, 34, a New York City party girl. Her phone messages sparked the dustup between Tiger and wife Elin that led to the car crash.

Jaimee Grubbs, 24, a cocktail waitress, had the good sense to keep hundreds of text and phone messages to bolster her case.

Kalika Moquin, 27, is a nightclub staffer who in October reportedly showed Woods what stays in Vegas.

Mother-of-one Cori Rist, 31, met Tiger at the Manhattan club Butter and soon was buttering his morning toast.

A rare brunette Tigerette, Mindy Lawton, 34, is an Orlando waitress who claims she paired with Woods while Elin was pregnant. Trysts occurred in parking lots and at his mansion. "All he cared about was lust," says Mindy.

Three other mistresses remain anonymous, for now. They are reported to be a "cougar," a British TV hostess and, surprise, surprise, another cocktail waitress.