Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion.
Aflame, with birth, aging & death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs ......Seeing thus, the disciple of the Noble One grows disenchanted. SN 35.28

Fifth month of daily sitting is over. Time for the monthly 'report card'.

On 23 December I decided to change the height of the cushion I put under my ass. Until then I had been sitting on a firm cushion that boosted me about 3.5", and thus made sitting very easy. But I got to thinking that I would not have such a high cushion when I go to my Vipassana course sometime in the next few months, and thus chose a more realistic cushion that raised my hips only an inch.

The effect of this change was dramatic. Sittings became very difficult, I could not keep my back straight for more than 10 seconds and there was strong discomfort in legs and lower back. My legs started falling asleep big time, it would take 3-4 minutes to wake them up after a sitting. It was back to square one, the daily sittings became daily torture session. All the discomfort that I experienced in my first few months came back. I found it very difficult to maintain awareness of breath in face of this challenge.

Most alarmingly, my motivation to meditate daily started to weaken. I was no longer meditating, but merely enduring. So I accepted my weakness and deloaded to sittings of smaller duration and built up my confidence and mindfulness all over again. The body is malleable and the mind is trainable, so now by the end of the month I find these sittings 'doable' again. Daily sittings are no longer a torture, although still a healthy challenge.

The experience of this month is almost indescribable. It was like going through all the experiences of first three months, all over again, in just twenty days. Most months uptil now have been an exercise in surviving the crucible, but this month was special. It was as if someone (er, me) put a lid on my crucible and turned the heat upto 11. A real pressure cooker of a month. All the same, a very beneficial month. I found my limits. I learnt very important lessons in patience and perseverance, this should help me in future when other challenges arise.

As I end this month I find many positives. Earlier my tendency in face of physical discomfort was to start building pleasant fictional thought worlds to distract the mind, this time I spent far more time in noting the sensation and bringing back the attention to breath.

As a result of that, my mindfulness has not really weakened compared to last month. Inspite of all the drama I am infact ahead. During sittings, there is an almost constant awareness of some sensation or the other in the moustache area, although my aim for now is to stay with respiration and not observe these sensation. My legs now wake up in 30 seconds or less. I am able to keep back straight and sit very still for almost sixty seconds at a time. Everything is improving steadily. Best part is now I am more aware of mind losing its awareness of breath, and thus able to bring it back to breath more quickly. I no longer spend five minutes or more in thought worlds, I am able to catch myself in less than two minutes. Progress.

And now onto the sixth month. This month I resolve to practice Anapanasati meditation every morning and evening for at least 45 minutes. The aim is to maintain persistent, unbroken awareness of incoming and outgoing breath, as much as possible.

20140115
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140116
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140117
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140118
Morning sitting.
<Failure, 40 minute evening sitting>

20140119
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140120
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140121
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140122
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140123
Morning sitting.
<Failure>

20140124
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140125
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140126
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140127
Morning sitting.
<Failure, 40 minute evening sitting>

20140128
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140129
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140130
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140131
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

From today till 14 Feb 2014, I will meditate 50 minutes every morning and evening.

If last month I suffered physically, this month it was my turn to be defeated mentally. Mental focus became very weak. I lost most all touch of respiration, and keeping the mind focused on incoming and outgoing breath became a huge chore. Mind became extremely wild and started spending long periods in fictional thought worlds. I felt very helpless, nothing worked. There were some sittings in which I had no awareness of respiration except for one or two breaths. I have not experienced such poor mindfullness until now, as a beginner I had better focus and concenteration.

I will keep making my best efforts. There were one or two sittings when I was able to keep attention on breath as well as I ever have, so it was not all bad. Just going through a trough, I suppose. I have always been avid for quick progress on the path, patience is a virtue I sorely lack. So this month was a hard lesson that taught me to make persistent effort without expectations. Very humbling.

And now onto the seventh month. This month I resolve to practice Anapanasati meditation every morning and evening for at least 55 minutes.

If last month I suffered physically, this month it was my turn to be defeated mentally. Mental focus became very weak. I lost most all touch of respiration, and keeping the mind focused on incoming and outgoing breath became a huge chore. Mind became extremely wild and started spending long periods in fictional thought worlds. I felt very helpless, nothing worked.

Hi, Weakfocus. I recommend that you practice walking meditation for at least 45 minutes before any sitting meditation. If you persist you cannot be defeated.

Rain soddens what is covered up,
It does not sodden what is open.
Therefore uncover what is covered
That the rain will not sodden it. Ud 5.5

If last month I suffered physically, this month it was my turn to be defeated mentally. Mental focus became very weak. I lost most all touch of respiration, and keeping the mind focused on incoming and outgoing breath became a huge chore. Mind became extremely wild and started spending long periods in fictional thought worlds. I felt very helpless, nothing worked.

Hi, Weakfocus. I recommend that you practice walking meditation for at least 45 minutes before any sitting meditation. If you persist you cannot be defeated.

might i suggest you pick a new name??????????????????

Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion.
Aflame, with birth, aging & death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs ......Seeing thus, the disciple of the Noble One grows disenchanted. SN 35.28

my Adhitthana for the rest of february:
at least 30 min. of sitting meditation a day
at least 30 min. of walking meditation a day

Get the wanting out of waiting

What does womanhood matter at all, when the mind is concentrated well, when knowledge flows on steadily as one sees correctly into Dhamma. One to whom it might occur, ‘I am a woman’ or ‘I am a man’ or ‘I’m anything at all’ is fit for Mara to address. – SN 5.2

If they take what's yours, tell yourself that you're making it a gift.
Otherwise there will be no end to the animosity. - Ajahn Fuang Jotiko

This month started awful. Daily sittings were going 'wrong', virtually no mindfulness no matter how hard I tried. I simply could not stay aware of incoming and outgoing breath. For the few seconds I could keep the mind on breath, I would notice that my natural breath was like loud bellows and yet I could not feel its touch at all. Mental. I was coming to hate these sittings since I could not cope with the intense pain of the last 10 minutes. I came very near to quitting in frustration. I was also feeling very miserable and depressed in general for inexplicable reasons; I have not noticed such strong suicidal urges and feeling of hopelessness since the month I started this practice.

Anyway, I persisted with daily sittings and then had a breakthrough in March. One day before sitting I told myself that maybe I was trying too hard to stay aware of respiration. So I decided to quit fretting about slow progress, pain and all the rest and just sit with breath for as long as I could. And the instant I accepted that this practice was a marathon and not a sprint after all, my breath became light and refined and mindfulness improved dramatically. So much so that I was surprised when the alarm rang, unlike in the days past when I would be wishing for alarm to ring to end my torture.

So I get to experience the extremes in the same month, yet again. Mind is now wandering much less, and comes back to breath much sooner. Towards the end of the month I began to experience good mindfulness. I have a feeling that in future I will look back at this month as the turning point of my practice, and possibly life. I made big progress this month, something I would not have thought possible the way things started in Feburary.

Physical and mental hindrances are all either reducing or do not have as much power over me as they did until a couple weeks ago. I can maintain fairly good, stable posture for most of the sitting, I only have to straighten the back maybe once every five minutes or so. It is only the last ten minutes that are rather challenging on the lower back, and the sharp pain destroys my awareness of the breath. But that will also improve with time and persistent efforts.

And now onto the eighth month. This month I resolve to practice Anapanasati meditation every morning and evening for at least 60 minutes. I may not have internet access for upto two weeks this month, so some entries will be missing. But I will be sitting everyday. I am not going to quit after coming so far.

20140315
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140316
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140317
55 minute Morning sitting.
55 minute Evening sitting.

20140318
55 minute Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140319
55 minute Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140320
55 minute Morning sitting.
55 minute Evening sitting.

20140321
Morning sitting.
55 minute Evening sitting.

20140322
Morning sitting.
55 minute Evening sitting.

20140323
55 minute Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140324
55 minute Morning sitting.
45 minute Evening sitting.

20140325
Morning sitting.
50 minute Evening sitting.

20140326
55 minute Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140327
Morning sitting.
Evening sitting.

20140328
50 minute Morning sitting.
50 minute Evening sitting.

29 to 13:
Did my morning and evening sittings, although most were less than 60 minutes.

20140414
55 minute Morning sitting.
50 minute Evening sitting.

Last edited by Weakfocus on Mon Apr 14, 2014 2:13 pm, edited 29 times in total.

Hi weakfocus,
Well done. When meditation becomes unpleasant there is a tendency for some of us to think we are going backwards. But one's experience of meditation is no indication of our progress. Keep that in mind the next time you are facing difficulties.
I wish you all the best with your resolve to meditate for two hours a day. It's the same length and frequency that I meditate. My advice to you is to treat yourself kindly. If you do not make a sit - so be it. It's more important that it becomes a regular part of your life and that it becomes am established part of your life. In my experience, that only happens when you are relaxed and comfortable.
I wish you every success.
With metta,
Ben.

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

For some time now I have been feeling the need/desire for a third sitting. So this month my resolve is to do three Anapanasati sittings a day: morning and evening sittings for 60 minutes, and an afternoon sitting of 30 minutes duration to begin with. Eventual aim is to have three equal length sittings per day, but that will have to be done gradually lest the mind rebel hard and upsets the usual two sittings.