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How Will Ghost Andrew Breitbart Haunt Obama From Beyond the Grave?

Prematurely dead Internet pioneer Andrew Breitbart was working on something major before he died, his unpleasant underlings told LA Weekly. Now there’s video from CPAC of Breitbart planning a video (terror) attack that will Bring Down the Obama Presidency! “I’ve got video, from his college days,” Breitbart crows to a rapt yet hooting crowd of geezers. WHAT DO YOU THINK IT COULD BE? This is just like Easter, with Breitbart as Jesus (everyone knows that) rising up and giving us sick-making treats! Does the video show the president smoking while getting it on with white ladies? Is he smoking crack while getting it on with white ladies? Or maybe it’s that colorful felon who has claimed so many times he sexed up Barry in a limousine, for communism?

No, it’s just Barry plotting with boring old Bill and Bernadine Dohrn (not even Bill Ayers!), conspiring with “silver ponytail” college professors to take over the presidency. Well, at least Michelle Malkin will be excited, we guess.

Bonus Easter egg for the superfan: Breitbart spends special scorn on Dohrn and Obama plotting with money from the Annenberg Challenge — “They had real money, from real Capitalists!” said Breitbart, which, yes, “Who gave it on to their children, and their children’s children, who became Communists. We’ve gotta work on that.” Mostly, the Annenbergs these days fund lovely little panels about urban design, and also gigantic journalism schools. You could maybe see why that would have bothered Mr. Breitbart, the man who just moments later delights in cleverly calling Harvard “Beirut on the Charles” and also who, duh, hates journalism.

We will be very excited to see Mr. Breitbart’s last scoop. We are sure it will be a good one, and not at all a poorly edited smearfest that falls apart at the very first look! [YouTube]

Rebecca is the owner, editrix and publisher of Wonkette. She was in newspapers for a very long time. Follow her on the Twitter. She is currently on maternity leave (until 2033), so you didn't just read this post.

"They plotted, and they plotted, and they oversaw hundreds of millions of dollars…"
Yes, the banksters were awful in the W years (and still are), weren't they?
Wait, you were talking about something else?

It features a young Barry and Osama Bin Laden playing Pong in a cave in Afghanistan.

Fare la Volpe

WITH BILDEBERG PADDLES!!

Generation[redacted]

Wheels within wheels. Obvs Fince Foster faked his own death so he could go around knocking off Barry's critics one by one. Fiendishly clever.

Pat_Pending

There are cameos by Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and Bigfoot. On a grassy knoll. Also.

Pat_Pending

OOOH!!! And Natalie Holloway was sacrificially MURDERED BY COMMIES IN ARUBA!!! BAD BARRY!

Ruhe

“Who gave it on to their children, and their children’s children, who became Communists. We’ve gotta work on that."

There it is…another whiff of that new American Piety. Not wanting to amass and maintain fortunes is a sin.

MrFizzy

What's the opposite of an outpouring of emotion? Doesn't seem like anyone really gives a shit about this cretin dying. At least we weren't subjected to a lengthy and disingenuous pre-death apology, a la Lee Atwater.

Oh.. And my heart was all ready to start pumping purple piss for his deathbed conversion to a less-than-abjectly-despicable human-type-thing.

MrFizzy

That would have been a significant move upward for him.

LiveToServeYa

An outpouring of apathy.

MrFizzy

Now that is excellent!

GeorgiaBurning

If you can't say anything nice about him, don't say anything; but that's just me. He's been dead a day. Entomologists tell us that his mandibles will grow slack and the six legs will start falling off.

That's the way right wing media works. If you want to get to the college photos, you have to go through a lot of dicks first.

UnholyMoses

Your move, person with that whitey tape.

Oh, and zombies.

lefty74

Life was not a valuable gift, but death was. Life was a fever-dream made up of joys embittered by sorrows, pleasure poisoned by pain; a dream that was a nightmare-confusion of spasmodic and fleeting delights, ecstasies, exultations, happinesses, interspersed with long-drawn miseries, griefs, perils, horrors, disappointments, defeats,humiliations, and despairs–the heaviest curse devisable by divine ingenuity; but death was sweet, death was gentle, death was kind; death healed the bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gave them rest and forgetfulness; death was man's best friend; when man could endure life no longer, death came and set him free.
– Letters from the Earth,,,,Mark Twain

thebeatgoeson

If there is a God, I don't think s/he will grant ol' Andy any gentle sweet afterlife.

Yeah.. in the wake of this lionized figure's death, we're anything but through with hearing about him.

"Be he alive / Or be he dead
He'll grind more bones / to bake his bread Through the rumor mill yet"

SayItWithWookies

Beirut on the Charles — really? So Breitbart was cribbing from something attributed to Spiro Agnew, who is credited for calling Swarthmore the Kremlin on the Crum? Not that that should surprise anyone — but given the choice, I'd rather be associated with Bill Ayres, whose act of terrorism consisted in blowing up a toilet in the Pentagon.

Blueb4sunrise

I'm beginning to think that I do have special powers to get a new thread.

chascates

From Breitbart com:CNN’s Malveaux Slimes Breitbart Hours After Passing
CNN’s Kurtz Spews Sherrod Misinformation On Day Of Breitbart’s Death

Breitbart's comments right after Ted Kennedy's death are, of course, different.

C_R_Eature

The video will feature Barry hanging around in dorms, classrooms and on the Quad. Heavily intercut with file footage of some Kenyan University.
Sheriff Joe, take note!

One question: how many months of editing, cutting, and pasting does O'Queef need to turn a stretch of bland, boring video into something preposterous enough to outrage the right-wing mouth-breathers? BrightFart died while waiting for his favorite media manipulator to cook up something good, and now everybody's waiting to see it.

Maybe they can do a double-feature, with Trump's "you won't believe what we found" report from Hawaii. (Introduction and narration by Sherriff Arpaio.)

C_R_Eature

From what I've seen of their Work Product, a clever High School AV Geek with a gaming computer and off-the-shelf video editing software could lash it together in about a week, part time. These sad fools spend $50 K on Ghod knows what and toss out an embarrassment of a video in half a year.
Clearly, there's some things money can't buy.

larryfinexx

A recorded meeting of Obama and the Elders of Zion was found, and the tape is still clutched in Breitbarts cold, dead hands.

donner_, you're SO sentimental! I love how you turn a phrase- just an incurable Romantic, eh?lol

LabRodent

You have to admit it as rather hard to be an asshole from beyond the grave. Kudos to you Andrew.

freakishlywrong

Maybe someone has found the footage of Barry in a hipster fedora, sipping a latte.

40 or 50 % McShineys

My belt onions are pretty sweet, Orrin't they?

ShreditorsDesk

I want a Breitbart mask for Halloween.

tessiee

Aren't you afraid
a) of scaring all the children and some of the grownups?
b) that people won't realize it's a mask, and will just think you're some homeless guy?

Biel_ze_Bubba

"Homeless people" Halloween costumes are so last year.

CivicHoliday

Breaking news: some liberal-leaning professors and a promising college student once talked about that student possibly running for public office, maybe even the presidency. I am sure this has only happened a few hundred thousand times throughout history, so break out the drudge sirens. (because this time it's different – this time he was BLACK and he actually WON)

WiscDad

I'll bet it will be James O'Keefe in blackface and his outrageous pimp costume shuckin' and jivin' with actors that look like the Dohrns

fuflans

hello rebecca.

i have nothing else to say. this looks like some subplot on 'the borgias' only less relevant.

When Obama went to college, he talked to some of his professors? Oh my, how horrible! Wait, really, this is all they have, drudging up some obscure college professors of his, vaguely smearing them as "radicals" and then attacking him with guilt by association?

Oh, and are the colleges radically liberal or are they totalitarian? Because those are, you know, mutually exclusive categories.

Generation[redacted]

Anyone who was in college and didn't march in favor of expanding the Vietnam war and putting all the hippies in internment camps was a dirty anti-American communist, obviously.

tessiee

Anyone who was in college that didn't have the word "Bible" in its name was a dirty anti-American communist, obviously.

HuddledMass

What's with the twitchy hand-waving gestures? I'm not surprised this guy kicked it, there is definitely something wrong here.

Well, between this and Sheriff Joe's game-changing revelations of yesterday, I predict that Obama's impeachment proceedings are totally going to overshadow the remainder of the Republican presidential nomination campaign, as well as the general election, all the way through November.

SpiderCrab

Too bad about Andy. His greatest smears were yet to come.

Barrelhse

His final smear was spectacular, when he shit the bed.

el_donaldo

They say if you put out a large pile of blow and five pints of beer and say "Breitbart" three times really quickly, his ghost will appear and scream at you to stop raping.

C_R_Eature

Vehemently Upfisted! And no, I'm not going to try it.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Hey, if it doesn't work, you've still got a pile of blow and plenty of beer…

C_R_Eature

All the more reason to keep Breitbart away.

Arken

Speaking of Breitbart. Talkingpointsmemo.com has decided that any discussion of him shall be deleted, any discussion of the deletions shall be deleted, and they even banned some of their regulars. Josh Marshall also suspiciously quoted a 'close friend' of his that said Breitbart had a 'huge heart.'

His heart wasn't so much "huge" as it was "enlarged" from years of obesity and cocaine abuse.

Arken

“Cocaine abuse” = “natural causes” these days apparently.

Generation[redacted]

Cocaine abuse leads to death, naturally.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Cardiomegaly is a bitch.

tessiee

[…] any discussion of him shall be deleted, any discussion of the deletions shall be deleted, anyone engaging in discussions of the discussion shall be kicked by a giant boot, and finally, that making fun of the giant boot is a bootable offense.

Snorting, boozing, slandering … and yelling at other people to "behave".

Gunner Asch

Greetings Rebecca! I'll bet you were almost to kindergarten before you wanted to kill the next wiseass who said something about "Don't worry your pretty little head about it". I can sympathize, since I also have a name that can be easily tweaked by random passing dipshits.

This is all a drink-sodden plot to rule by Breitbart to rule teh Intarnets from beyond the grave. Well, it worked for Bela Lugosi in Plan 9.

Joshua Norton

Mr. Breitbarts final drunken video of him screaming senseless obscenities at CPAC protesters tells posterity all they need to know about him. Just another deluded, gin-soaked right wing asshole.

Bomp, bomp,bomp,
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust

DoktorThompson

Here's a preview of the devastating college video: for freedom (YouTube link, etc.)

C_R_Eature

Excellent.

Schmannnity

Maybe the late Breitbart's footage can be merged with all the shocking findings of Trump's investigators yet unrevealed.

tessiee

cue the asshat with the Reagan avatar in 3…
2…

Baconzgood

Whitney who?

sharethegrief

Before now, I always thought it was wrong to deface a gravemarker.

C_R_Eature

Oh, Hi, Rebecca! Welcome to the Weird Side.

Barrelhse

We have cookies!

C_R_Eature

And liquor. We never seem to run out of either!

BarackMyWorld

Terrible man was terrible.

BerkeleyBear

Gah – the Annenberg shit, again? Really? Which becomes how Barack met Bill 2.0? Because the Annenberg Challenge is also the funding agency of the neighborhood improvement board that Obama and Ayers were both on, well after Obama left college. Why do I suddenly feel like the Tides Foundation, George Soros and Glenn Beck feature prominently in this little film? Along with how Obama wanted to be President in first grade, how there are halos around letters in his long form birth certificate, and long explanations of how only people with tin foil hats can block the rays of the librul media.

They found all of Obama's college era Facebook postings – with photos!

It's quite a scoop!

C_R_Eature

It was probably taken at CPAC.

Barrelhse

"Beirut on the Charles"- but I LOVE that dirty water!

Gunner Asch

Flashie-backie! My platoon in Basic in '67 had twin brothers who lurved that song. They usually marched in front of me and be-bopped up and down singing it under their breaths. I often ended up bouncing up and down a bit too. The DI's hollered a bit when they caught them.

Barrelhse

LOL-cool!

littlebigdaddy

Wingnuts claim he was murdered by the CIA in 3,2,1….

SorosBot

You're over 24 hours too late for that, dude; they started almost as soon they heard he was dead.

GOPCrusher

Yeah. And it makes even more conspiracier when you stop to think that he had videos that were about to be released of the Kenyan Muslim Socialist Usurper.
Obviously, Andrew Breitbart is the first victim of the Obama Space Based Death Ray!

littlebigdaddy

Traveling yesterday…missed that important news.

Generation[redacted]

Also, all us lefties planted a dirty bomb at Rush Limpburger's house.

Barb

Hmmm, Andrew dies and Rebecca shows up as the leader. This is gonna be good!

Wonderful day today! Dreamt last night that Andrew Breitbart had died. Woke up this morning to find it was still true. Life is good! OT: my Facebook friends here in Dumfukistan are posting energetic defenses of this lying, disgusting worm and condemning my gleeful posts about his demise. I fucking love it.

Generation[redacted]

I hope you posted his screamy rant at the protestors, and his tweets about Ted Kennedy.

ttommyunger

Too many indiscretions to post, just labeled him the Asshole's Asshole that he is. You can check it on fb (ttommyunger). Hilarious!

Generation[redacted]

Luckily, my facebook friends from redneckistan have been mercifully quiet about this whole thing. Just the usual posts about how liberals are responsible for their trucks suddenly costing $100 to fill with gasoline and getting 8mpg.

ttommyunger

That shifty Obama, ya gotta watch him!

tessiee

My facebook isn't returning any results for ttommyunger. There's a guy called Thomas Unger in Georgia, but judging by the pictures, he's obviously not you, since your stated age is "over 70".

ttommyunger

People tell me I look about 40-50, go figure. Biker with 'tash and clit tickler is me. Wish I could say it was clean living.

Pat_Pending

I luvs me a mean ol' man of librul bent…

ttommyunger

In that case you would fucking adore me.

tessiee

We already do, ya big galoot.

ttommyunger

Awww shucks, ma'am (hangs head, shuffles feet in dust).

Biff

Totally. We should just appoint santorum now and save the drama of a convention and/or election.

However, let us remember that there are tragic innocent victims in all deaths, even that of a hateful bigot like Breitbart; I hear that both the bar and liquor store closest to his house saw their profits drop in half yesterday, and feel sad for them.

jolpaj

It's like somebody edited out all the parts of his life with the decency in them, creating a misleading vision of him as a despicable racist. If only it weren't for that last sharp cut, we might have seen the part of his life that had the redemption in it

Tundra Grifter

A year after Walt Disney died, the senior corporate managers were told to meet in a conference room with a large screen.

Seats were assigned to each person.

A movie of Walt started where he pointed to each executive and he asked specific questions about the business operations.

Tommy1733

Please Wonkettes – you must – MUST – be sure to read the article that is linked "sexed up Barry in a limousine". You will probably spit your food, so please be careful.

C_R_Eature

Breitbart's Ghost will appear next Christmas Eve, in the persona of Krampus.

He will appear to all the bad Liberal Occupy Children, when they're on mushrooms and yell "BEHAAAAVE YOURSELVES!" and "STOP RAPING PEOPLE! STOP RAPING PEOPLE! STOP RAPING THE PEOPLE!" until everyone stops having fun.