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Monthly Archives: June 2015

Now that the Supreme Court has declared gay marriage legal, I can finally eat at Chick-Fil-A without feeling like I’m being false to my personal beliefs. I would like to make it clear that I still ate at Chick-Fil-A before this week’s ruling; My convictions aren’t strong enough to overcome convenience and a desire for fried foods, but for the record, I always felt bad about it. And fuck, I already look like shit, do I have to feel like shit too? Why do I have to feel bad about everything all the time? Can’t I just live my life?

Sure, giving money to a corporation that could in turn use that money to support groups that want to deny gay people what I feel is a basic right is morally conflicting, but oh my God, have you ever had their Spicy Chicken Deluxe Sandwich? And waffle fries, they have waffle fries! And all those sauces! I dare a gay person to dip a waffle fry into some Chick-Fil-A sauce and tell me how they feel about ‘personal freedom.’ Don’t judge me! I’m a mom, and they have a playground for fuck’s sake!

Not to mention, the people working there are so fucking polite, It’s like they’re actually happy to be there. Not like those ‘ethnic’ people with bad attitudes working at McDonald’s who act like you’re inconveniencing them by asking for a refill on your iced tea. I wouldn’t have to ask if you just put the tea out on the fucking counter, asshole! I didn’t want to have to interact with you either!

In summation, it’s a nice idea to be true to your beliefs and everything, but that usually means not getting what you want, or paying four times as much for organic, or leaving your house to go to the struggling mom and pop store when Amazon will deliver that shit to your front door the next day for cheaper than what you would pay for gas. A great man once said “Give me convenience, or give me death.”

After five seasons of Game of Thrones I was never able to fully decide if I wanted to have sex with Jon Snow or not, but that all changed last night when I had a very titillating dream about a certain Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Did I mention this post might contain some spoilers? Fuck you and your notions that the internet has to pussy foot around because you’re behind a few seasons.

My biggest complaint about Game of Thrones has to be the lack of desirable male characters. Jaime could pass for attractive, but he’s a sister-fucker, and his nose looks like a dick with a cleft palette. Loras is alright but he’s a queer so his lack of interest in me makes me hate him. And Robb was pretty hot, but he was also a mama’s boy. For a while I entertained some sexy notions about the Hound, but I always wanted something more. And now I have it!

I’m a stay-at-home mom, whose husband is currently out of town, so it doesn’t take a whole lot for me these days, but let’s just say this dream involved a pair of salad tongs, a can of tuna and a Pomeranian; Yeah, it was hot. Like wow hot. I’ve always been on the fence about Jon Snow. He’s a pretty boy, and kind of a bitch, and I don’t like his nose. I expect a lot out of my fantasies, as does any other overweight, bibliophile with bad hygiene passing judgement behind the anonymity of a computer screen. But the way he handled those tongs! Whatever reservations I had vanished like a can of Chicken of the Sea (Jon would get that, wink wink.) So with that, I am pleased to announce that I would totally fuck Jon Snow; If he were a real person, and if he agrees to keep his hair out his face and stops doing that sullen, poutty-thing with his mouth all the time; And do something about those fucking eyebrows! Somebody please forward him this post and let him know I’m available any night after eight and most days between the hours of one and three. Mention the phrase ‘Tuna Tong,’ that oughta bring him back from the dead.

Moving on. Tyrion. I have always maintained that if I had to fuck a dwarf, I would totally fuck Peter Dinklage, with ‘midget #2’ from the Lollipop Guild in Wizard of Oz coming in at a distant second. I have now decided to remove the qualifier from that statement and just say outright that I would fuck Peter Dinklage. That’s the news for the day, I’m sure there was some other stuff about black people getting killed by cops or something, and I think the Supreme Court said gays can marry their cats if the cat consents, but I’m a white, middle-class mom who doesn’t even bother to put on pants most days and those things don’t affect me.