Followers

Literally tens of visitors every single day!

Ye Olde Cluster Map

PIG LATIN CLASSES OFFERED

Each Saturday night here at Smarty Pants, Ethbay will be holding tutorial classes for all those wishing to become fluent in Pig Latin. Class size is limited and is offered on a first come-first served basis, so Ignsay Puay Odaytay!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Our very own Pig Latin Instructor's husband has a birthday today why don't you go on over and send him some happy wishes. Or make him feel old. Whatever works for you....Beth's Beloved's Birthday Bliss.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I love all good things, but never have enough time to enjoy all the good things out there so I'm always looking for ways to make my life easier...more enjoyable...less stressful.

Smokin' pot was the answer.

WHAT, You say?

Now before you start hatin' on me... remember,it's legal.

And it's my pet name for my crock pot!

My best friend.

It is SMOKIN'!!!

I call it my Smokin' Pot to remind myself to turn it on.

I made a delicious Italian beef recipe once for my cousin's family that had just moved to town. They knew I was cooking lunch for them so they could focus on their move. I turned it on the night before, so it could slow cook all night long, and I could go to church in the morning and come home to a fabulous dinner to take to my cousin's home.

If you've ever cooked in your SMOKIN' POT through the night, you'll know that you are awakened by a wonderful aroma the next morning.

If you plug it in, that is.

Yeah, I had to throw away a very large cut of beef (the neighbor's dog loved it!)

Hi, my name's Peter and this is my first foray into collabarative blog writing.

Katdish invited me to contribute to this blog and I have been desperately trying to come up with a worthy contribution but have been utterly failing... here's my problem:

The posters on this marvelous blog are witty and clever and I used to be just like them. There was a time when people hung on my every word - every sound that came out of my mouth was sure to make people smile, laugh and in all other ways react with joy and happiness.

Then came that fateful day when it all stopped. Somehow I lost my sense of humor. People no longer found me funny, no matter what I said I couldn't get more than a brief smile from anyone. I had fallen from my pedestal as one of the world's greatest comedians, never to rise again.

I don't remember the exact day that this happened but it was some time around my second birthday. Things have not been the same since.

Learning to actually talk is highly overrated, in my opinion.

So what place do I have amongst the comic geniuses here on FotTSP?

None.

Or so I thought!

Today though, I have come up with a genius plan for a worthy post:

If you can't make 'em laugh... feed 'em!

I may not be as witty and clever as Katdish and the other contributors to this blog but I can tell you that today, Tuesday February 24th 2009, IHOP are giving away a free short-stack of pancakes to every customer. See here for details.

I ask you: which would you rather have, a witty and creative blog post or 3 freshly cooked IHOP pancakes?

Sometimes I could just scream. I can't even tell you how mad I am. Some people are just huge jerks.

I was shopping today. My wife gave me $20 to get some things from the store while I was out. I reached into my pocket to get my grocery list and the $20 fell to the floor. I was reaching to get it and this lady grabbed it. I tried explaining to her that the money fell out of my pocket and she refused to give it back. She kept saying that she saw it on the floor so it is fair game. I got so mad that I asked her if she was in preschool still or what. Then she started making a scene and told me to leave her alone or she would start screaming.

I had my debit card so I could get the stuff I needed but honestly I was just too mad to even think about it. I followed that lady around the store while she picked out things to buy with my money. Sure she might have had a need but stealing is different than asking so I just got more and more angry with her.

I probably should have tried getting a manager but when you're mad that kind of thing doesn't occur to you. I just kept hoping the money would fall back to the ground so I could swoop in a pick up what belonged to me.

She got to check out and paid. While she was paying I could see she had plenty of money. She had at least 3 $100 bills that I could see plus other bills and I decided that I wasn't going to let someone steal from me that has no need. I followed her outside and she was parked just down from me. She was driving a new Lexus. It was all I could do to stop myself from keying her car.

As she started loading her groceries into the trunk I grabbed a bag and kept walking to my car. I'm not sure she even saw me do it but I figure I got about $20 worth of groceries. Maybe she'll figure it out when she gets home and maybe she'll figure out that you can't treat people like that.

Monday, February 23, 2009

And when I'm in need of some funny, Cedric the Entertainer rarely disappoints. If you want to know what kind of stuff produces a good belly laugh outta me, it's sassy folks like cafeteria lady who aren't afraid to say what everyone else is thinking. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. And I'm sorry if it offends you in any way. (Okay, who am I kidding? I'm only the tiniest bit sorry if this offends you.) Enjoy!

It is the very first wedding she has been to and she is soooooooooooo excited (that is a full dozen Os excited). She kept asking her mom questions about everything.

"Why are there flowers everywhere?""Because the couple wants it to be pretty for this very special day"

"Oh, well why do I have to dress up?""Because we want to share in the very special day."

"Oh, but why are we in a church?""Because they want to be with God on their very special day."

On and on it went excited question after excited question and the mother began to get worried that the little girl wasn't ready to sit quietly through the service. The wedding procession began and the girl was asking questions about why the lady was crying, "Because she is so happy for her daughter on this very special day, " and why the ladies were dressing in bid puffy dresses, "Because they are the bride's closest friends and will do anything for her on this very special day," and why the other little girl was throwing flower petals on the ground, "Because the bride wants to walk on flowers on this very special day."

The mother was about to take her out when the wedding march began to play and everyone stood up. The mother cringed waiting for the questions to keep coming at the worst possible time but the little girl just stood their wide eyed, unable to speak. After the bride reached the front and was given away the little girl said so quietly, "She is so beautiful."

"Yes, she is dear."

They sat quietly watching the ceremony with the candle lighting, and special songs, and everything. The service had reached the exchanging of the vows when the little girl finally asked her mommy, "why is she wearing all white?"

"Because this is a very special day and it is the happiest she has ever been."

"Oh"

Then the girl sat there quietly with a very bothered look on her face. The mother was concerned because the little girl seemed to be getting angry. Just as the couple was exchanging rings she yelled out at the groom, "why are you wearing all black!?!?!"

Katdish, I know you call your blog "Hey Look, A Chicken" not "Hey Look, A Squirrel", but I thought you would get a kick out of this anyway. Besides, I think it fits this blog's randomness well, don't you?

Saturday, February 21, 2009

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

Friday, February 20, 2009

Has anyone ever heard of "viral marketing"? I got a call from my pastor today about his first hand experience with it. Please go over there and tell him what you think. I know what I think, but I'm keeping my mouth shut for now, which is no small accomplishment, to be sure.

Seeing how the male blog contributors are outnumbered 4:9 here, I figured that we could use a bit more testosterone at FOTTSP. That is why I have decided to create the first in a series of posts titled "Awesome Sports Stories." You have all heard those beautiful and inspirational sports stories and they are used in sermons all the time as illustrations. So without further ado, I give you "A Very Special Football Game." (I pulled this from morethandodgeball.com by the way. It's an excellent site that you should check out.)

Thoughts?

P.S.Anyone is free to post any other Awesome Sports Stories. I don't have to be the only one.

So we've had a few snafus with our church bulletin and I thought maybe this group could help me edit and spellcheck before the next issue comes out. Those cute little blue-hairs who type just can't quite get it right. Perhaps there's no key on their typewriters with a little blue wheelchair.

Are you willing to help with our bulletin content?

------The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.------The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'-------Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.-------Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. --------Please place your do nation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

I would like to challenge the "stink eye" photo. I just want to say this little girl has a wicked nasty glare. I have better pictures of it somewhere but this it a pretty good representation of the look. I believe she inherited this from her grandmother (her mom's mom) but fortunately it skipped a generation.

What say you?

PS. believe it or not this is a well known look from M and she was not sleeping when it was taken.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?""Yes," whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?""Yes", came the answer."May I talk with her?"Again the small voice whispered, "No".Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child."Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child."Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?""No, he's busy," whispered the child."Busy doing what?" asked the boss.Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?""A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice."What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Reading comments on Katdish's blog require me to respond, but I felt that this blog is the best place to post my response. For details on what I'm referring to check out her post, I may not be your Facebook Friend Anymore

I just wanted to say that I'm glad to see people hoping that I'm right. Now lets just move to the next logical step and say that I'm right. This is the best solution most of the time.

I've tried telling my wife over and over that if she just starts with this then we could avoid so many arguments.

Of course some of you might be thinking that you would like to give a snarky reply to the obvious truth, but my wife certainly has the most powerful motivator when it comes to the snarky reply, "there isn't enough room in this bed for you me and your ego so enjoy the couch." This hasn't deterred me. We have a nice big comfy couch that seems plenty big enough for me and my ego. Plus, you may bot know this but when you ego becomes large enough it can seem almost physical.

Big egos are like nice down pillows.

Editor's note the image is not mine but it is listed under Creative Commons License at Flickr.

Editor's additional note. I listened to this and didn't find any objectionable content. Honestly I only heard a small amount of vocals at all and couldn't pick out one bad thing. If I totally missed it I'm sorry.

Monday, February 16, 2009

It's President's Day! What does that mean? Do we reflect on the accomplishments of George Washington - brilliant military strategist and first president of the United States of America? How about Abraham Lincoln? A man who changed the very fabric of our nation. Nah. President's Day is all about white sales and sweet deals on cars.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

My very teenage daughter and her boyfriend spent Valentines Day evening making some pretty awesome cards for me, while Jon and I were wining and dining my parents at our favorite restaurant. To me, there is nothing better than receiving a homemade gift or card from one of my children. The fact that Kyle made a card for me, well, I'm going to treasure this one forever. Keep in mind that I live in a town of about 80,000 and Kyle lives 35 miles to the south in a town of maybe 7,000. We call him our 'hick from the sticks'. He is a great kid with super-involved parents and I always enjoy having him around.

The picture above is the outside of the card he made for me. And this is the inside of the card. Yes, you do see a reference to roadkill. There is a lot of roadkill down in his neck of the woods. Yes, his 'roadkill' reference stems from an incident of two small-town teenage boys who didn't really think before they acted and stumbled upon a 'fresh' roadkill deer on their way to school. I think the idea that they should share it with the whole school was...well, a bad idea from the start and not many brain cells were involved in the decision to do so.

Ok, it was flat out bad. But we have had a ton of good laughs and let's just say that small-town teenages find some pretty interesting ways to keep occupied.

You know it's bad when you've been forced to place a time out corner on your blog due to comments placed by bloggers with no self control.

I have never been one to carry tales or to purposefully embarrass anyone, but one particular blogger who shall remain nameless (but her name rhymes with "fatfish") has pushed me to the limit.

Last week on my SILLY SATURDAY PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST she left a HINT of the comment she was really wanting to leave, enticing poor innocent Helen to google some smutty reference she had made. Then Helen tried to warn me but because she said, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GOOGLE THE REFERENCE", I, of course, googled it. I had too. The curiosity go the best of me.

My innocence was robbed on that blustery Saturday morning. I will never be the same!

So, I thought it might be a good idea to incorporate this icon on our sidebar here, or feel to place it on your site if "fatfish" is a regular commenter.

In all fairness to "fatfish", there have been other commenters on this site that may wind up in the corner as well.

I know it's not a cure all, but short of a citizen's arrest, I'm not certain what else to do.

Friday, February 13, 2009

I was going to put this on my blog but I figured it would fit well here. I need to get this up now since I'm working on my Super Youth Pastor post for tomorrow. SYP will discover the Love Crazed Teen Zombies have spread through out the Lock-in. Tomorrow I will be too busy to work on the bonus so here it is.

My wife and I are having a pretty good Valentine's day for us. We have been married for nearly 10 years now. In the past 6 years we have had very poor V-day experiences. She was on bed rest with our first 6 years ago. 5 years ago our first was in the hospital on V-day. I joke that I put her up in the most expensive room in town. PICU is far form cheep that's for sure. My daughter was quite ill with RSV but recovered pretty quickly. The following year we had to cancel our plans because our son had RSV. Fortunately we were able to skip out on the hospital stay that time but we did have to watch him closely. The following year she was on bed rest for our 3rd and she was in and out of the hospital during this time 3 years ago. 2 years ago our 3rd was quite sick with complications from RSV and last year we were just getting settled in having moved half way across the country just 2 weeks prior.

This year things are not nearly as dire as year past but I think my wife's expectations are quite low. The plans were to go out for a nice lunch today and for my wife to get her nails done. Even somethign that simple will not work out on V-day. Not for us. I'm not really complaining thought. Life is pretty good. Sure we've had sick kids all week and my wife is sick today but nothing we had to go to the hospital with so in comparison this might well be the best v-day we've had in the past 6 years.

I know it seems like a pretty sad place to be. We went out to BK for lunch today instead of our plans for a nice lunch together. Our kids have been sick and my wife is sick, but it has been nicer than the past and so I'm more than content.

It may seem sad to many but I think that we are doing good and that is the important thing.

Stacey reminded me that I needed to further clarify my reference to a certain "Lego Maniac" in my last post. Thanks, Stacey!

I love legos and I always will. Here's me with my siblings and husband on New Year's Day playing with my old legos at my parents' house. Joey wanted to play with them....and you see how it ended up. We are a wild and crazy bunch. (We had a battle with our creations and I smashed the competition, by the way.)

My disgruntled twin, he isn't technically evil, posted a public service announcement on my blog today. He is a bit grumpy and so at one point he threatens to put "my size 12 upside your head." This seems a little harsh but I can't really tell him that without running the risk of a boot upside my head. This would be something I am not particularly interested in.

The boots in question are steel toed Red Wings much like the one in the image there. They have Gortex lining and are generally huge. I've worn them many times and can vouch that they weight a ton and a half especially after 12 hours of dorm room remodeling.

I just wanted to warn everyone not to get on Jon the Grump's bad side. He's crazy, but don't tell him I said so.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

So I go to work early this morning, you know....saving lives and stamping out disease like usual. And then I come home to Celine Dion singing about hot dogs, crocheted stars named "Frank" (just another word for "hot dog") and Blogger won't even let me comment because the comment box is gone! What's up with that? Seriously, I want to play, too! So I guess I've earned my own post.

So where's the bathroom? (no relation to the urinal post)

When my daughter was junior-highish, she belted out songs totally wrong, so listen carefully and see if you, too, can hear "...there's a bathroom on the right."

Which prompted me to take a picture of this sign at my family reunion last year.

I have never seen a blog with a different label for every post, which makes me think we all need to be medicated a little heavier. Katdish's ADD is contagious. I used to be much more stable, or perhaps it's just because I have to remain professional throughout the day, and that makes me go all random at night. And the fact that I cried myself silly after Bible study tonight just because I could.

My yoga pants and T-shirt are waiting for my bedtime, so I'm going into the bathroom to change. It's on the right.

Beth is posting several lame excuses why she hasn't uploaded her world premiere snuggie video. But she has posted some pretty cool/weird/geeky videos that have inspired me to do the same (you're welcome). Check this out:

Yesterday we got a package from UPS. Frank gets stuff on the internet/ebay frequently, so no big deal, right? It was a certificate saying someone had named a star after him. Yeah, read that one again. It came complete with star chart so you can find his star in the sky....WHAT?? Here's a quote from the certificate:

"Be it known to all that the star herein designated as USC9574308-12 and residing within the boundaries of the constellation Capricorn is hereby named and registered in your honor as Frank Blank(not putting our real last name on here). The star's astronomical position is right ascension 21H02M38.85S, Declination-14D51M37S, Magnitude 13.33."

It's signed by Zac Brandenberg of the Universal Star Council. Really? Zac? Wasn't he a lego maniac?

I know I'm kind of geeky, but I certainly didn't buy it. FRANK didn't buy it. So who did? We think it might be a joke. A joke that cost $39.95.

So if you are really strapped for a creative Valentine gift, be sure and go to www.yourstar.com. Tell them Beth Blank sent you. And don't forget to wish apon a Frank.

A couple of days ago I posted an atheist joke. You see, I have had atheists on my mind lately, and I am not sure how to segue into the topic. I thought maybe a little light hearted humour would work, but, instead, it has given me nightmares that B-Bub, Jolly Atheist, and Skeptimal found it and were deeply hurt and offended because they thought I was a theist who would be respectful to them, but apparently am not. My interest in atheists (not atheism, btw) begin a few months ago. A man by the name of P.Z. Meyers desecrated a consecrated host on his blog. Catholics (like myself), believe that the host, once it becomes consecrated, is actually the body of Jesus. Let's just say I did not take it lightly in my heart. I was very angry. I think I actually found myself hating him, until, during prayer, the voice of Jesus spoke to my heart (He did not speak to me audibly. I don't doubt that He speaks to some audibly, but usually, I feel His voice rather than hear it, so voice might not be the right word, but I am going to use it anyway. If you know a better word, let me know. ). His voice said to me "Pray for P.Z. Meyers, don't hate him." I actually told Jesus that I can't help but hate P.Z. after what he did to Jesus. Jesus's voice (in my heart), said "Helen, I forgave him for what he did 2000 years ago, right from the cross, just as I forgave you then, too. Pray that P.Z. Meyers will also receive my Grace." So, long story short (okay, maybe too late) I have been praying for P.Z. Meyers. Off and on. I am not quite as obedient as I ought to be, but I have been better since finding the blog of The Raving Theist.. His URL is still www.ravingatheist.com, since, up until recently, he was an atheist. I am so glad that I found his blog! So many atheists comment on his sight! I usually don't answer in his comment section, unless I can either keep it light, or am moved by the Spirit. Most of the time, the Holy Spirit is not giving me the words to answer, so I sit back and read how He told others to respond. Sometimes it gets heated, and I am not sure if a line has been crossed, but that is not what I mean to be getting at...Many of the atheists claim to be trying to appeal to reason, but they sound so broken hearted. So many seem to be denying God because His people have hurt them.......Anyway, it seems that while not so long ago I was blaming hubris for why atheists don't believe in God, and now I have come to the conclusion that it was my own hubris causing me to lack compassion for the atheists. My faith is not unreasonable, though it is beyond reason....."Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 . Some unbelieving commenters can quote that verse as well as us, but they see it as a demand to be unreasonable rather than to move beyond reason. The ability to move beyond is a gift from God, and I ought to be praying for unbelievers to receive that gift.So, I am grateful to The Raving Theist (formerly known as The Raving Atheist). From reading his unbelieving commenters, I now can sincerely pray for P.Z. Meyers, as well as people whose arguments have moved me to tears (for them). I wonder what God is thinking when he hears me say "God bless The Jolly Atheist, Unspeakably Violent Jane, B-bub (you know I can't call him by his chosen moniker), Skeptimal, and P.Z. Meyers....Help them to believe in and receive your grace. Please lead people into their lives who will lead them to you...". I have to say, it feels kind of funny to pray for people by their moniker instead of their name. I know God knows who they are, but do you think He finds the situation as funny as I find "How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb...."? I mean, when He said in Isaiah "I have called you by name, you are mine..." , I know he didn't call anyone by the names I have listed, except maybe P.Z. Oh well, I can't seem to end this any better than I started it. Have a great day! God bless you (and P.Z, and The Jolly Atheist, and B-bub, and Unspeakably Violent Jane, and Skeptimal....)

Having worked in retail selling women's clothing, I happen to know that most men shopping at the last minute before a birthday or major holiday have no idea what size their wives wear. Almost without fail, no matter who was waiting on one of these men, when asked, "What size does your wife wear?", the answer would invariably be, "She's about your size." Pajamas are really an article of clothing you want to fit. How the heck is a guy supposed to know which size to order? Of course, they also have "all that bath stuff that women love". Dude - PJ's are a great gift. But bust out the car keys and go to the mall for goodness sake! And please keep the receipt -- just in case.

The helpful folks at pajamagram.com have thought of everything!

Check out the "cut and paste" section for beautiful and subtle sentiments such as:

"The best part of putting these on is taking them off.""Wanna slumber? You've got my number.""Violets are blue. Roses are red. Put on these PJs and let's go to bed.""These great pajamas are yours to keep. I hope you wear them to bed but you don't go to sleep."

"I'll love you until the end of time, so here are some PJs - your bed or mine?"

Wow. I guess I know what happened to all the folks that got laid off from their jobs at Hallmark. I checked out their website. Can I just say, that there are some seriously ugly pajamas on that site. Some of them are okay, but they look cheap. Besides, what you think is sexier?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I made a post similar to this over on my blog but I thought that this excerpt was worthy to be shared over here. This excerpt from a book titled "When God Weeps" by Joni Eareckson Tada and Rev. Steve Estes has been shared and discussed in a couple of B-Studies and church services that I have been to the last couple of months. Every time I hear someone read it, I think about the cross in an entirely different way. I thought it was cool so I'm sharing it here.

The face that Moses had begged to see - was forbidden to see - was slapped bloody (Exodus 33:19-20). The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth’s rebellion now twisted around his own brow….

“On your back with you!” One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier’s heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner’s wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier’s life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own. Who supplies breath to his lungs? Who gives energy to his cells? Who holds his molecules together? Only by the Son do “all things hold together” (Colossians 1:17). The victim wills that the soldier live on - he grants the warriors continued existence. The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm - the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless - the nerves perform exquisitely. “Up you go!” The lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He begins to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor begins to waft, not around his nose, but His heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being - the living excrement from our souls. The apple of His Father’s eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face His father like this!

From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed, shakes His mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross. Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath. But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky. The Son does not recognize these eyes.

“Son of Man! Why have you behaved so? You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped - murdered, envied, hated, lied. You have cursed, robbed, overspent, overeaten - fornicated, disobeyed, embezzled, and blasphemed. Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned! Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name? Have you ever held your razor tongue? What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk - you, who molest young boys, peddle killer drugs, travel in cliques, and mock your parents. Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons? Does the list never end! Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp - buying politicians, practicing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes. You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves - relishing each morsel and bragging about it all. I hate, loathe these things in you! Disgust for everything about you consumes me! Can you not feel my wrath?”

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself. The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place. Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.

The Father watches as His heart’s treasure, the mirror image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah’s stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.

“Father! Father! Why have you forsaken me?!”

But heaven stops its ears. The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.

The Trinity had planned it. The Son endured it. The Spirit enabled him. The Father rejected the Son whom He loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied.

The Rescue was accomplished.

So yeah. I thought it was pretty cool and I just wanted to share that with you all. What do you think?

P.S.I think that this excerpt could lead to an excellent video. Get someone with an awesome voice to read it over while pics and clips (possibly from The Passion) roll by. It could be something really powerful. I might give it a shot (I'm working on learning Motion and Final Cut and I know iMovie so I could get something decent made) but if anyone with video editing experience makes something awesome that is similar let me know. Or if you've made any kind of video (funny, serious, youth group, announcements, inspirational) at all that you think is pretty good I'd love to check it out. I love videos.

Update from JoAnna: Please feel free to pass on my updates to others who are praying if you feel it would help.

Thank you so much everyone for your support and prayers. It means so much. The death toll keeps rising. i think its at 181 now and it is predicted it may rise to 300. To put the severity of that in perspective the second deadliest fire disaster in Australian history killed 75. It is so very tragic. Now that the fire in my area is out i went for a drive to the affected part of town tonight. Even if you've seen many pictures of it on the news the sight of a pile of charred rubble where a house once stood is very disturbing. The damage was so random. Some people had everything on their property burn but the next door neighbors were just fine. The fire randomly stopped at the edge of some properties but kept going into others. Why some people were so unfortunate when many others near them were fine is hard to make sense of.February 10, 2009 2:25 AM

I'm honored to have more posts that the urinal posts, although I think that the reward might just get me sent to one of the outer levels of hell so I'm gonna try and comment on someone else's post to get them the wonderful reward. I was told always to share so I'm cool like that.

I know. You already know this joke. So, tell a better one in the comment section.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

Nessie doesn't seem all that tough to me...but then, I am not an atheist...

And in answer to the title question....2 to claim they are really agnostics, 6 to claim that agnostics are just cowardly atheists, 4 to point out that they had lightbulbs in their fundamntalist church back when they were growing up and see no reason to continue using tools of theism, 11 to bring up the Dawkins scale, 13 to propose alternative to the Dawkins scale, 6 to mention how Dawkins changed their life, 3 to ask what atheism has to do with changing a lightbulb, 7 to point out that Theists don't change lightbulbs either, and 1 to claim that even though a theist changed the lightbulb while we were arguing, he didn't have to be a theist to do that!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

This skit has been around for a while but I thought I would share the video of it in case anybody hadn't seen it. I've gotten to see a couple versions of the skit first hand and it is ridiculously powerful. The first time I saw the video, I started to well up a bit in my eyes. It's awesome. So just share what you think. Here it is:

It seems that there is a desire to get some testosterone flowing here. There have been some changes to the side bars reflecting manlier images, but we need to kick this off right with a story by men, about men, and for men.

So you ladies know, guys find hurting each other to be funny on so many levels. That is why we love sports that involve physical pain like boxing, wrestling, UFC, American football, and Hockey. That said please enjoy this article that was sent to me from the Darwin Awards.

2008 Darwin Award Runner Up: CLOTHESLINED!Confirmed.

January 2008, Florida | Wearing only swim trunks and sneakers,a 37-year-old man raced his motorcycle toward the Manasota Keydrawbridge. As the bridge began to open, it was clear that heintended to "shoot the gap." Bridge designers had anticipatedsuch lunacy and invented the crossing guard. The closing gatesswept him off his Suzuki, over the side of the bridge, intothe water, and out of the gene pool. By a twist of fate themotorcycle continued up the ramp and made it across to theother side.

If you are unfamiliar with the Darwin Awards they are presented to individuals that died doing stupid things and thus removed themselves, thankfully, from the gene pool. Most of the winners are men for obvious reasons that women wouldn't do most of these things.

This particular winner is a great example of that which appeals to men. You have a motorcycle, a guy getting hurt, and the word clotheslined which is an awesome way to take your friends down.

Ladies if you don't get why guys like this sort of thing don't feel to bad. We don't get why women go to the bathroom in groups. I'm guessing it is some kind of survival instinct needing someone to watch your back while otherwise occupied. Guys will just turn and pee on whatever is attacking so we don't need to backup.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Copyright infringement use to be very clear cut. If you wanted to own a song you had to buy a record. Very few people could reproduce them so they tended to not be copied. Eventually tapes and VHS came around along with tape and VHS recorders. Lots of people made mix tapes and copied tapes for friends, but it was still limited. You usually had to own an original to copy because unless you had really good equipment each copy of a copy became worse. CDs and computers made it possible to make copies of copies without diminishing returns, but you typically had to know the people until the internet made it possible to transfer files across the world.

So the question is simply this. Where does it become illegal to use media. As a church we pay several copyright fees. One to put music on a screen and to play the music publicly, another to play CDs and videos and another that lets us use copyrighted material in our original content. Techinally we pay someone who has arranged rights to several, but not all, owners of copyright music and videos. This meens that I may or may not have the right to use given music in the background of a video I make for my youth.

It could take hours of research to figure out if I can use 30 seconds of a song. This is simply a waste of my time so I fall back on the thought that if nothign else I can run with "fair use."

I understand the industry is concered about money, but I think they will be able to live on what they are making without making me feel guilty over wondering if I am allowed to use a clip that I may or may not have already paid for permission to use when most of the kids in my Youth have downloaded the song already.

I think someone needs to come up with a better solution. If I am paing money out of my budget for several copyright whatevers they should pretty well garuntee that every label has given permission for the use we are paying for.

It must be true. Great minds think alike. Or ironic minds? I made a joke with my blogger pals the other day about inviting one more person to contribute to this blog so that we would have twelve people. I further joked that twelve is a much holier number than eleven: twelve apostles, twelve tribes of Israel, a dozen eggs in a carton, a dozen donuts in a box, all proof that twelve is an awesome number, and we should go for it. I was kidding, but that set me off on my off day (Wednesday) to thinking about numerology, astrology, psychic phenomenon, and all sorts of things that people follow rather than the Lord. Then Jeff beat me to it yesterday Jeff's irony post.. Nice job Jeff, I didn't see that coming. But then, I am not a psychic....Not being able to resist an opportunity to become SCLfamous, (yes Katdish, here I am, shamelessly trying to cash in your fame chips), and after seeing that Jeff began a discussion of the paranormal, I figured I would wait until today to write about something similar. I am also sure my buddies will bump me over before anyone sees this (not that I am psychic or anything...) so I am not suffering from stage fright (or, on a blog, is it screen fright? Keyboard fright?)I admit to finding these ologies more interesting than I ought. What sends me away from it fleeing, is simply that God says to leave it alone. Yeah, sometimes I hear the serpent saying "Don't you want to find out if you ever have kids.....", but I know it to be the serpents voice. I know who the power to know these things comes from, when it is real, and it isn't God. If it was coming from God, the person would not be taking money to read palms, crystals, tea leaves, whatever, but would be busy acting crazy, trying to stop people from doing normal things that will hurt them. "Don't get on that bus! You have three children! They need you.......!" Or notifying the police and FBI about threats to the public. You know, making a nuisance of themself and getting themself arrested...FBI Agent: How did you know about the plot to get rid of all Big Boy restaurants with statues?Godly Psychic: God told me to tell you.FBI Agent: That's what they all say! You're in on it, aren't you! Who is the leader?Godly Psychic: God didn't tell me that...FBI Agent: You are the leader of the diabolical plot to get rid of that artistic and culinary delight!Godly Psychic: I was sent to warn you...FBI Agent: Okay, I'm through being nice. We're getting out the water boards....

Seriously, if you sold information you got from God, wouldn't that be simony? How was Simon punished? Okay, time to flee in the other direction.But what bothers me most is otherwise Godly people who think astrology, psychics, Ouija boards and such are fun. I used to teach in a Christian school. Yes, I taught that playing with those things is wrong. (Pausing to duck stones...........) Well, some of the girls in class were having a slumber party (they were twelve and thirteen). They spoke to their moms about what I said. Parental reaction?Momma J: Miss Helen, don't you think that you are scaring the kids.Me: Well, perhaps I jumped the gun a bit. Children who are not exposed to such things shouldn't be exposed to them in a Christian school, I suppose...Momma E: No, we mean, aren't you making a big deal about a children's game?Me: Excuse me?Momma J: Ouija boards. They are just games for young children....Me: So, you mean they are only pretending to talk to the devil....Momma J: Miss Helen...Me: I don't really see how allowing them to pretend to talk to satan and his minions and wait for answers is a good thing. You spend a lot of money so that your sons and daughters will be taught the best things here, and have the worst discouraged. I dearly hope for your cooperation....

So, was I the teacher from H-E-double hockey stick? Who thinks I made a mountain out of a molehill? Who thinks I should have called DCFS on Momma J and Momma E? You gotta tell me in the comment section, because I am not a psychic....

P.S. I do believe that sometimes God talks to us in dreams, as He did to Joseph. Which of us Christians would sell what He has to tell?

Steph left a throwdown dance challenge for me to PROVE I am a good dancer!

Although I have several dance trophies and videos in my collection, this was my best performance at a Halloween party years ago. I still get offers to perform it a parties, youth lock-ins and occasionally, lunch breaks at work.

Since SOMEONE had to go and bring it up, I feel like now might be the time to share this with you all. Yes, as most of you know I am a dancer in training here in Nigeria. The dancing tithing time at churches have had me in a tiff more than once. I just don't know how to get down like Nigerians and always feel...oh i don't know...humiliated?

However, as the months went by my skills were growing considerably. I'm not sure that I am yet there, but when a friend came to visit in October she asked me to show off my new moves. I would like to take this opportunity to share with the world my incredible Nigerian break down...and it is incredible.

Are there any guidelines for posting here at fottsp? Not really. As administrator of this particular blog, I've painstakingly researched the content of all blogs written by the individuals with publishing rights to this blog, and found them to be up to the high moral and ethical standards of "Hey look a chicken". Quite an accomplishment, to be sure. (Stop rolling your eyes.)

So when to publish? I guess my answer would be "whenever you have something profound and enlightening to share. I think the following video best sums it up for me:

But for the record, Helen's already got one scheduled for tomorrow morning, and it's a good one.

So, everyone who is anyone on Facebook has tagged me for this '25 Things About Myself' dingjabby thing and I've resisted until now. This year is my 20th reunion and I don't want to freak everyone out who will see me there with my answers (especially those who converse with my ex), so I'm going to post it here. Besides, this is an 'outta there' bunch lead by Katdish herself, so this will probably be as normal as taking your lemming for a walk along the great cliffs of Dover or something like that.

1. 86° is the perfect temperature. All year long. (and we have NO humidity in Bend.)2. I amuse myself. Sometimes.3. The best place I've ever lived was 17 Johsnson St, Big Horn, WY (pop 217). It was on the corner and across the street to the west was a Texas Longhorn ranch and across the street to the south was the Last Chance Tavern with a drive. up. window.4. Best thing about Big Horn, we could snowmobile down the street to the market for hot chocolate and homemade donuts. And the pheasants, wild turkeys and deer in our yard.5. Jon probably thinks I'm crazy.6. I sang my first solo in the Nazarene church at the age of 5. It was Stand Up For Jesus.7. My grandmother bought me a piano (that I still have) at the age of 5.8. I was the chubby kid growing up.9. I raise co-dependant animals, so I've been told. (Not on purpose)10. I act tough but I cry at anything. Seriously. Music in church...crybaby.11. I coach volleyball because I dig developing relationships with the kids in high school.12. I didn't go to college until I was 30. Straight A's. (Not sure what was so tough about high school.)13. I was going to get a tattoo when I got divorced. My daughter is still trying to get me to get one..with her..when she turns 18. 14. I've had too many last names.15. I drove a truck nicknamed the 'green weenie' in high school.16. There are over 300 homeless kids in our school district and that greatly distresses me.17. I have lost a lot of my humor since the election.18. Vodka is devil's water. Never. Drink. It. (speaking from experience)19. I was a nanny for very wealthy people in the DC area after high school.20. If you tell me I can't do something I'll prove you wrong. 21. I am saddened by how my divorce and 2nd marriage have affected my kids.22. The tough girl in me comes from enduring years of being made fun of, so I'm over-protective of the underdog to a fault now.23. I love sitting around with my kids and laughing about silly stuff. 24. Growing up there were 5 in my family and when we get together it is the best time ever.25. Despite 'stuff', God has blessed me beyond measure and I'm thankful for His grace.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

So I was driving downtown last week on my way to jury duty, when a parked car caught my eye. It stood out because it had the word "PSYCHIC" painted on the side in giant letters.

I started to think about the irony of trusting the predictions of some stranger who claimed to know your future, while ignoring a Creator who really does know everything about you- and loves you anyway.

Then I started getting irked at the audacity of the psychic/scammer who takes people's cash and feeds them hooey.

Then I noticed that the car also had a giant dent in it.

At that point, all I could think was, "I guess you didn't seethat one coming."

I am still on my Wednesday fast, but I got a comment via my gmail from Nick that intrigued me, and somehow ended up here.

I will be shutting my computer down after this post (but still have my blackberry). I would just like to remind everyone that I have exclusive power to grant or REVOKE publishing rights to any and all contributors, and that if I get on my computer tomorrow morning and see that STUPID CRYSTAL HEART PENDANT, I'm gonna start revoking some people. Since I don't know who posted it, I will start with the usual suspects, beginning with the short one. Thank you. Carry on...

Hi my name is Nick the Geek and this will be my first post to Smarty Pants.

Somewhere recently I made the comment "I wonder if Lemmings have prophets." I thought ti was on my blog but I can't find it to link back to so it must have been in a comment or just in my head. Lots of stuff happens in my head and later I think it is reality.

I thought my lemming prophet would make a great opening post to this blog.

The Lemming Prophet

LP:So I was scouting up ahead and found something you guys need to know.

Lemming 1: Can't talk running.

LP: Well that is kind of what I need to talk to you about.

Lemming 2: What? Did you say something? Can't hear you over the crowd.

LP: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

Lemming 2: No need to yell, how rude.

LP: Good grief won't anyone listen about the cliff?!?

Lemming 3: Cliff? I had an uncle cliff. He went on a run last year and we haven't seen him since. Do you know anything about that?

LP: Well, if the run was anything like this one Cliff probably fell off the cliff.

Lemming 3: Are you trying to be funny? What a jerk.

LP: No, I'm ... Good grief.

Lemming 4: Hey don't let them get to you. I think you're funny. I like funny you can run next to me.

LP: I don't want to run. I want to get all of you to stop running. There is a cliff and everyone is going to die.

Lemming 4: I don't get it? how is that funny?

LP: Never mind, we're at the cliff. ahhhhhhh

~splat~

Lemming prophets aren't very successful and tend to figure out at the last minute that it is too late to stop the herd which is why we don't usually hear of them.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Hey all. I just got back from the B-Study. Someone shared this story with us about a little old white-haired man in Sydney, Australia name Mr. Grenor who shared the gospel with people for years. Check out the video. It's a little long but it really shows how one person can help grow the Kingdom in amazing ways. At least watch the last couple of minutes. It's really good. Enjoy!

And now for my in-depth, awe inspiring commentary on last night's game:

Unless your name happens to be Ricky Williams, can I just say that the long, flowing locks hanging out the back of your helmet are hardly original, and frankly I find them annoying.If you really want to know my opinion (and why wouldn't you, cuz you know I'm gonna tell you anyway), I think they make you look like a girly-man. Especially if the name of the back of your jersey happens to say "LABOY".

Sunday, February 1, 2009

It takes nerve to write about her. But I was convicted today, because she was me.

I always go to church pumped for the worship music and fellowship. But today was different. I got a call last night that our praise band leader was ill and we’d be doing the traditional service rather than the contemporary format. I run the projector with the song lyrics, so it was just a heads up.

Or was it a hearts down?

My participation, interest, and thus my deepening of faith really ramped up when we started doing contemporary worship. For 5 years now, it’s been rockin’, jammin’ praise. Music I can sing to where nobody notices that I can’t carry a tune in a bushel basket. Or that I’m really doing the Milli Vanilli trick because, yes, I know all the words to all the songs, but dare not let my voice drown out that of my perfect-pitch husband. The few traditional services I’ve attended since then have felt rote, boring, and have left me less than passionate about worship. That always felt wrong, and provided me with some well-earned guilt. I should have it in my heart to worship and praise God no matter the environment.

But I needed a catalyst and I found it. Or rather, He met me where I was.

So here I sat, back in Old School church. On the way out the door, I made some snarky comment to my husband about going to the Adams Family service because that’s what organ music reminds me of. I wanted guitars, drums, and keyboards. Organs do nothing for me. In my mind, organs are made to be donated. I saw Chris Tomlin perform less than 36 hours ago. Don't give me organ music.

The words of the first song hymn brought my horrible attitude to a screeching halt:

“Blessed Jesus, Blessed Jesus, Hear us children when we pray…”

Immediately the vision of my Grandma B was in my mind. She loved that song. I loved her homemade bread, her sugar cookies, and the look on her face every time I walked through the door of her dilapidated, but immaculate house. My heart and my attitude softened.

But the part I really wasn’t going to like was yet to come – the liturgy. Though the words are straight from The Word, we had sung the same ones for so many years that they had become rote and meaningless and it wasn’t a part of the service I ever enjoyed.

“This is the Feast of Victory for our God…”

I was moved again. This time I was taken back 27 years and literally felt my 3 year old daughter standing on the pew next to me in her ruffle-butt tights singing at the top of her lungs:

“This is the feast of Hickory Dickory Dock….”

And I was barely able to flip to the next slide because my tears were blurring the screen. I was reminded of how far I’ve come in my faith walk. These old hymns were really a part of who I am and a stepping stone to where I am today. My preferences for worship have changed, but the God I worship is the same. He never changes. There’s a mouse in my hand and a monitor in front of me, but during the hymns, I’m doing the same “baby sway” as only a mother with a sleepy toddler in church knows how to do, even decades later, with no baby in her arms to sway.