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So many Freckles

Okay, I was re-watching the brilliant film, He’s Just Not That Into You, which in all reality was a huge eye opener to me the first time I saw it. It made me realize that if a guy likes you he will make it happen. Granted, there are exceptions which the movie does point out. But as a basic rule. If a guy likes you he will make it happen. If he acts like a jerk then he is one. Guadalupe and I were discussing each of the situations and how they relate to our own dating lives.
Beth yelling bull crap for all the girl’s whose guy said they didn’t believe in marriage and then he marries some young chick from the gym. I have had several guys say, “Freckles is the kind of girl you marry and I’m just not ready for marriage.” And then they end up married to some 18 year old. Or even in just the dating realm . . . “I’m not ready to commit” and the next week they have a steady who is again younger than 20.
Gigi getting confused by the signs. I’m sorry but she had a right to think Alex might be interested when he took her call in the middle of a make out session. Boys do things that make it seem like it’s possible. (And yes I am aware girls do this to guys as well). Or the checking the phone constantly or facebook to see if just maybe he sends something.
Guadalupe pointed out how she unfortunately relates to Conner. The person who is lead on and used for convenience. Yes, they care but they also don’t.
I guess what I am basically trying to say is the dating world is a mess and I hate it. And as I watched Alex cut Gigi off in a beautiful kiss I couldn’t help but think “Why not me? Why can’t I be an exception? Why do I have to play by the rules?”
I know . . . the Freckles wanting a man thing is old. I guess I am just so frustrated for everyone who is still caught in the ridiculously stupid game. I feel like the dating game is in reality a Hunger Games. We are stuck in this arena just trying to survive and wanting so much to have someone to trust and rely on but not sure if we can. And we wonder if there really can be more than just a few winners.
I have been looking through old papers and such in preparation for the move to my new apt. and I have found some of my old writings or thoughts. One entry in particular caught my eye.
I talked about how fake I felt. Maybe not fake but rather that I felt as though my life was scripted and I happened to just be playing the part of Freckles but that there was another part to me. And sometimes I can feel real . . . and I realized it was when I felt my body connected to my soul. Sounds weird I know. (I also wrote that one time I felt that connection was when I was holding my nephew Isaac and that I felt this deep love for him that I knew I would one day feel even more with my own children.) The reason why I even mention all of this is that it dawned on me that I wanted a guy to love me when I am connected and completely myself. I want to feel real with him . . . not that I am simply playing a role in a ridiculous game of heart ache and giddiness. And that I want to know him completely. This is what a true soul mate is. Someone who can see the complete you body and soul. And they love that you. It’s more than just loving Freckles. It’s deeper. I’m not sure any of this makes sense. But I just needed to write about it.
I just need to say that playing the game is miserable. Making guesses and plays, using tactics, trying to read signs, attempting to impress and wanting so much for some guy to just see me as enough. To love the real me and not the idea of me. Waiting, aching, feeling lonely but still holding on to every bit of hope you can clasp onto. It’s exhausting. And quite frankly I am ready for it to be over.
Love . . . URG!!!

Basically, there are three new shows I have been watching this summer. The first is Leverage.
This is a group of ex cons/ criminals with special skills who work together to help people who can’t help themselves. In other words they take down bad guys even if they have to break the law to do it. I guess you could say they are a gang of vigilantes. I love the show. But hate the main guy. Nathan is such a pain he is the “brains” of the operations. I like the grifter, Sophie just fine but the three I really love which draws me to the show are Eliot (the hitter and for some reason I am so attracted to him. I never like guys with long hair but oh my gosh I have pictured making out with him like a million times. And confession I have this fun little fantasy of us singing “I Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum karaoke style. Is this weird? Yeah, probably just a little. Oh well. It’s my fantasy so whatever), Parker (the thief- who is probably my top favorite. She is so random and hilarious. I just fetching love her. If I wasn’t Mormon I would probably aim to be her) and Hardison (the hacker- he’s just funny). Anyway, the show is just kind of fun. So I say watch it!
I also have been getting into Lie To Me.
This one is about a guy, Lightman and his company that takes down the bad guys by reading their faces to see if they are lying or show guilt, etc. It’s actually fascinating and it makes me want to be able to read people. I would totally love a book that explained how to do it. And Lightman is pretty funny for the most part.
Last is my guilty one. And I know it is ridiculous, poorly written and just plain silly but for some reason I watch it every week and I want to know what happened. The show is Pretty Little Liars.
This is about a group of four friends who come back together again after their friend/ leader of their old group, Allison is found dead after missing for a year. The girls are being haunted by the mysterious A who seems to know each of their darkest secrets. Secrets they haven’t told anyone else including their friends. The girls get closer and they are trying to find out who is tormenting them. They think it is this blind chick Jenna and her half brother Toby (who I totally love!). Anyway, it really is silly and all but I find it entertaining.
Of course, I am still watching Psych which just started back up again and my sister would like me to try out Friday Night Lights and Vampire Diaries.
Oh the joys of television.

So, basically by the end of this summer I will be starting a new life. No, seriously. I have a new car (which new payments), I’ll have no roommates in my new apartment, I will not only be teaching history but also drama (which means I’ll be at the school until late doing rehearsals). My closest friends are married, getting married or just simply moving in a different direction than I am. I’ll admit I’ve been feeling a bit lost as of late.

Good things will come from it all I suppose. I’ll meet new people. I won’t have to worry about anyone but me (but maybe that is part of the problem) and I’ll be growing in ways I never actually thought I’d have to. It’s funny how nothing in my life has happened the way I dreamed it would when I was younger. I’m not really complaining about this because glorious things have happened instead. But a part of me feels a little disappointed in a few areas.

I can’t help but think of Jekyll and Hyde and the song “A New Life.” The lyrics keep rolling around in my head. It could literally be my theme song as of late.

LUCY:
A New Life –
What I wouldn’t give
To have a new life!
One thing I have learned
As I go through life:
Nothing is for free
Along the way!

A new start –
That’s the thing I need,
To give me new heart –
Half a chance in life
To find a new part,
Just a simple role
That I can play.

A new hope –
Something to convince me
To renew hope!
A new day,
Bright enough
To help me find my way!

A new chance –
One that maybe has
A touch of romance.
Where can it be,
The chance for me?

A new dream –
I have one I know
That very few dream!
I would like to see
That overdue dream –
Even though
It never may come true!
A new love –
Though I know there’s no
Such thing as true love –
Even so,
Although I never knew love,
Still I feel that
One dream is my due!

A new world –
This one thing I want
To ask of you, world –
Once! – Before it’s time
To say adieu, world!
One sweet chance to
Prove the cynics wrong!

A new life –
More and more, I’m sure,
As I go through life,
Just to play the game -,
And to pursue life –
Just to share its pleasures,
And belong! –
That’s what I’ve been here for,
All along!
Each day’s
A brand new life!

Okay first off . . . these guys, Spellbound are fetching amazing from Britain’s Got Talent. Be sure to check out more of them.

I have been watching the latest of America’s Got Talent and am irritated to no end. I ranted a little on facebook but I feel the need to let out more rage. ; ) So, there are some really cool acts. There is this couple that dances using a rock climbing wall. So cool. And I really like this chick named Debra that sings. And there are several others that are just great but then there are some people who I feel are making a complete joke of the word talent and the judges love them! I feel the judges clearly have issues in taste. Please allow me to give you a couple of examples. There were a plethera of talented singers at the Vegas auditions. So good and who do they let into the top 48 this 74 year old woman who can’t play the piano, dress herself, do her hair and make up let alone carry a tune. She just sits there and warbles for ten minutes at a time. It is a terror to my ears and she looks like a freak (which I know sounds heartless but I think without the ridiculous hair and make-up she would be a lovely lady) anyway she seriously cannot sing! They also let this older woman who does a hand whistle thing. It’s cute and all and probably way fun for the grand kids but does it deserve to be in the running for a fetching million dollars? NOOOOOOOO! and then instead of letting in this amazing band that plays with classical instruments ( like so so good) they instead let in an air band! That’s right a flipping air band. Can they really sing or play an instrument? no. But they can pretend. Whoopy poo! So can I! I was in an air band in college and whether or not it is fun or amusing it is not a fetching talent!!! And then they let in this magician who doesn’t even do magic he just tells lame jokes and they don’t let in this guy who is has incredible skill as a magician. I am so mad about it all. I just want to go talk to those judges and be like “Really? Really? You are really that stupid!”

I mean we are encouraging people to be stupid and ridiculous not to have talent. I don’t care if they find them comical. I find it a disgrace to real talent. And let it be said that I am all for comedy acts. I find a good stand up to be brilliant. That is talent. Going on stage and acting like a fool does not classify as comedic or talented. It just classifies as completely stupid. And if I were any of those people who got kicked off who had talent I would be ticked. I am ticked. I am ticked in behalf of them.

I was watching Britain’s Got Talent and they actually have good acts packed full of talent. I have decided this is because Simon weeds out the idiots. Oh how I wish Simon judged our America’s Got Talent. And I really do wish that actual talented people on America’s Got Talent good luck!

No, it really is. Yesterday on my way to visit Gma, Gpa and Auntie J and sure enough a rock flys up and chips Henry’s windshield. I get to my grandparent’s house and tell my folks and we all agree I should get it fixed right when we get home. Well, then the next day I go to show my cousin Mitzi Henry and sure enough the chip has amazing spread across the windshield in less than 24 hours!!! Needless to say I feel a little distraught about it.

We always get chips so I knew it would happen. Every one of our cars have chips. My father had to replace his new car’s windshield six months after getting it. I just think it sucks that I need to replace mine a week after having it!! And I really don’t have the money at this point. So, I’m afraid Henry will have to deal with the crack for a little while. It doesn’t help that I have tinted windows so that’s even more expensive. Gosh, I’m so irritated. But it really could have happened anywhere. One time Juan and I were driving in my mom’s newer Honda and got the chip in North Logan. Honestly, it’s ridiculous.

I’m sick of all the chips and cracks in my life. Why can’t one thing just go without problems? Why must trials (however big or small) continually happen? Can’t we get a breather? But I suppose I was whining about things in my life before the chip in my car. So, what difference does it make, right? I don’t mean to whine. But sometimes it just seems so difficult. All of it.