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The panelists were all single and leaders in ministry. As the conversation became animated and intense, I realized that we hit on a key point: Transparent and honest communication between the sexes is needed for dating to be more of a success than a failure.

Here are five keys you can use for effective communication while dating: First, determine what you want when you ask for a date or accept a date. Or are you unsure? This means that nothing should be happening between you that indicates otherwise. This leads into the second key. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Actions and words need to match! Honesty is important in dating, especially if personal integrity is highly valued. This is seen as using the other person. Most people have a lot of respect for individuals who are upfront early in the game. When you wait before saying something, emotional attachments may have happened which deepens the hurt when the truth finally comes out. Insults, or being ambiguous or embarrassing will cause the other person to lose respect for you.

You may not want or need this person in your life anymore, but consider their feelings in your delivery. Think of how you would feel if someone were to say the same thing to you. How would you receive it? Use that as a guide in communicating. Address disagreements maturely, honestly, openly and in person as much as possible.

Arguing via text message, social media or email is a no-no. Yelling and name-calling sets a precedence that you may not want to be remembered for. By practicing kindness and consideration, dating can be a fun, meaningful experience that does not leave the other person with emotional pain and heartache. Place yourself in their position and show respect. Allow your date to know that they can trust you because of how you treat them! BMWK family, can you add other keys for effective communication between dating couples?

Her second book, "I'm Single. As a former Toastmaster, Michelle is honing the art of public speaking to inspire and uplift men and women.

'Where White People Meet' Say Dating Site Isn't Racist

Michelle is the mother of one son. Tell Us What You Think! This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Some of its manifestations are a matter of life and death; others are subtle annoyances known as "microaggressions" which can build up and contribute to a general sense of not feeling safe or comfortable in a world that was never designed with us in mind.

As good as it might feel for those with white privilege to pretend we live in a "post-racial" society, one has only to give most dating sites the most cursory of glances to shut down this notion altogether.

The biases and snap judgments that permeate our society are amplified through technologyand the swipe-to-reject models of popular dating sites can be utterly frustrating for people of color, because judgments based on photos are highly susceptible to the stereotypes and implicit biases that come into play when viewing photos of strangers. However, have you ever taken an Implicit Association Test for racial bias? You can take one here.

You might find the results surprising. While these sites can seem to offer safe spaces for people looking to exclusively date people with shared cultural identities, the need for separate, race-siloed spaces to feel safe strikes me as outdated. Ferguson's "separate but equal.

InOkCupid released a "Race Report. Male non-black users "applied a penalty to black women. We're talking about the conflation of race with tired tropes about masculinity, femininity, class, and real people reduced to exotic caricatures. We're talking about negative, dehumanizing stereotypes that work subconsciously to structure our assumptions about people we've never met, coupled with the misguided rationalization, "Well, people just can't help liking what they like!

We're talking about perceptual junk that gets in the way of seeing another person as an individual worthy of the same respect we would hope others would give us. Here are some common ways that racial bias in online dating is experienced by people of color.

'Where White People Meet' Say Dating Site Isn't Racist

In each case, the stereotypes being perceived are never about the individual, but a projected expectation based on media portrayals and other falsehoods. Race Fetishization From Puccini's Madama Butterfly to Miley's cornrowspop culture's worship of the exotic is as ubiquitous as it is downright creepy.

Entertainment

As an Asian woman, I can spot the Asian hunters miles away. Asian women are so mysterious. I like clear, direct communication. I'm not Chinese, either. The comedian Jenny Yang has a brilliant sketch about " Yellow Fever " that lets me know I'm not alone.

Even as a barely adolescent kid, my creep sensor knew something was really off about comments like these. With any racial fetishization, you're definitely not seeing the person. You're projecting an annoying, very limited media portrayal onto an individual who is The Race Checklist, a. Aren't you supposed to know how to dance?

You're Asian, will you do my physics homework? You're Native American -- how 'bout that peyote!? Every time someone says "Aren't you supposed to? There are few things unsexier than being told that you must not a valid ethnic person because you don't know how to do the thing that white people saw someone do in that one TV show. And then when you respond with a flattened, "Nope," often the well-intended responses are: These are compliments to your race!

Microaggressions are real, and it's no one's job to pretend you're not a clueless boob when you persist in acting like one. Race Devaluation I wish this wasn't even a thing to have to talk about, but race devaluation is the ugly, ugly flipside of race fetishization. Photo-based dating apps, paired with implicit bias, have the unfortunate consequence of really reinforcing toxic and pervasive stereotypes that undermine individual dignity.

The best they can hope for is to become "the exception" to your racist rule. This mindset is reptilian. It fundamentally lacks empathy, it debases people, and it's astoundingly wrong.

Take it to the Trump rally, or maybe one of those whites-only dating sites. Your libido is no good here. Well, for starters, we can stop rationalizing our racism as a legitimate preference and realize that if we take the time to look for it, we may find something worthwhile, fascinating and beautiful about virtually every human being on the planet.

In all the depressing news from OKCupid, there is a silver lining in the form of a curious trend: I find this discrepancy between belief and action fascinatingbecause it poses a challenge. People are more and more willing to put aside our differences and meet each other as individuals, which creates an opportunity for technology to provide us with ways of opening up to people we might not have considered dating before.

'Where White People Meet' Say Dating Site Isn't Racist

As well, this study revealed that online dating users who receive--and reply to--a cross-race message initiate more new interracial exchanges in the short-term future than they would have otherwise. So it's time to reach out. SIREN is designed to prioritize conversation and personality over the ability to take a hot photo. Encountering someone's words, attitudes and opinions about the world before making decisions about them based on appearance is one way to sidestep the stereotypes we've been conditioned to see when we look at each other, and judging from the growth of our community over the past few months, it's a model that's working.

Chemistry isn't about tired tropes; it's about an inexplicable one-to-one connection with another human being. Making meaningful connections starts with seeing people as individuals, not "exceptions" to outdated stereotypes.

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