Friday, November 26, 2010

Onyamaaaaarks... Getseyt... Ggggo! ROAD RASHES 1 - The Last Mile

Okay people! I herewith launch, without further ado and fanfare, my new section named

ROAD RASHES

Now then, does this refer to the sorry state of the roads? Especially post a nagging South West Monsoon and an unpredictable and continuing North East Monsoon? Admit it, don't they look like rashes on the road?

Or does it point at the brand of driving epitomised by Road Rash, the game - complete with baton (I loved the clunky sound it made when you knocked another chap or a cop over the head with it... heh heh), link chain and deliberate driving onto pedestrians so you could make the bike jump?

Or does it hint towards the mentality you develop when you drive?

It's a bit of each. There is so much to lament, so much to wonder, so much to boast about, so much to feel sorry for, so much to share...

But let me not get ahead of myself. I will go about this section in the most logical way possible, i.e. at pure random! Well, that's exactly how Indians use the road anyways.

Let me introduce you to one of my patented observations - the Last Mile. I'm sure you've heard this term used in reference to networks - the final leg of connectivity from a communications provider to a customer. It is widely accepted as the most challenging link to ensure, and often the single point of failure for critical setups.

In our parlance, I would like to extend this thought, this mentality, to people's behaviour in this country. It is the behaviour typified by an ostenisbly strange reluctance, refusal or ennui towards completion of any task. Allow me to explain with a few examples:

After months of inconvenience caused to all road users by digging up earth, heaping it along usable road, rendering half the road width unusable, etc, the road work would be complete. But towards the end of the road, just next to the busy junction, would be a huge pile of rubble, a couple of drums in which the tar was melted, an old tyre half melted and stuck to the semi-molten tar, and assorted paraphernalia...

One absolute nincompoop of a politician or administrator would have played a cruel joke on the populace by sanctioning the concretisation of one half of the road. Another joker - several thousand moons later - would have sanctioned interlocking tiles over the junction area. For several months after the completion of the latter, there would still be a gap of an agonising few inches between the two metalled surfaces. A monsoon would come and go, causing the interlocking tiles nearest the edge to dislodge, leading to a grand pothole...

An area on the road would be cordoned off with metal sheets for manhole work. Weeks after the work is complete, the metal sheets remain...

A political party would set up an elaborate shamiana for some ostentacious self-indulgent celebration, for a day. For weeks after that, some of the material used would lie around. Another stark reminder would be the merciless holes dug on hitherto smooth road to pitch the tents.

A jaywalker would begin crossing the road (illegally, may I add) on a trot, but would slow down to a stroll roughly two-thirds of the way across the road, causing you to brake, triggering a general slow-down of passing traffic.

Let me dwell upon the last example a little more. If you attempt to understand the reason behind the said behaviour (slowing down post mid-way while crossing the road), it goes like this: I've indicated to the world around that I intend to cross the road. I have granted a fairly large favour on the stupid users of the road by taking off on a trot at a random point, and hence earmarking the miniscule gap in traffic that I choose to exploit in order to cross the road. Now that I've started crossing, the idiots had better acknowledge that. This means that they had better slow down so I can complete crossing the road in peace. What?! Do they need to be told individually? Can each guy not see that, not only have I clearly begun crossing the damn road, I have actually crossed half? I have made my intentions to cross quite abundantly clear. Now no one can blame me for jumping across a busy road at a fast section. If some bloody goat failed to brake in time and actually brushed against me I'm so fortunate! I can then gather a huge crowd and demand money from the nut! Everyone knows the pedestrian is always right!

The reason might be pure apathy. It could be even more sinister than that. But it is someone else that suffers, you see...