Petaling Jaya (5th November 2011): An Australian newspaper has clarified that its report which stated that beloved Malaysian Prime Minister Datuk Seri Nabij’s daughter had gone on a shopping spree in Perth was not entirely true.

An online portal reported that The Western Australian, in its “Underhanded Corrections and Clarifications” column, admitted yesterday that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter, was in Perth during the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM). The daily had reported earlier that it was 100% certain that it was Nabij’s daughter who was in Perth.

In a report by the Western Australian on Monday about shopping and sightseeing by CHOGM delegates, it was claimed that a daughter of the Malaysian Prime Minister Nabij Razik spent A$60,000 (RM194,000) at a shopping mall.

“The Western Australian acknowledges that this was not the case and that someone who looked like and sounded like Nabij’s daughter but is not Nabij’s daughter was in Perth at the time,” it said in the correction.

Nabij had also clarified on Twitter, which he sent from an undisclosed hotel room in Port Dickson, that the news was not true but also not false but somewhere in between and could probably be something from the twilight zone.

“Don’t believe and spread lies. You either spread or believe lies. You cannot do both la. I don’t know where my daughter was at the time but my wife did not buy any jewellery,” he said in his tweet on Thursday.

The Underwear Allegedly Purchased by The First Lady

“What she purchased was large sized underwear and lingerie. Yes, she had to spend A$150,000 because large sized underwears are very costly in Perth”

“Why are the Malaysian’s people so nosey about what she does? It is our hard-earned money that she is spending. Why can’t she go on shopping spree as she pleases? Can’t she even buy large sized underwear without causing a stir? She is big so she needs large sized underwear. Please understand!” he tweeted.

London 14th July 2011 – Beloved Malaysian Prime Minister collapsed and had to be rushed to a nearby hospital for immediate treatment shortly after his meeting with Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace.

The Malaysian Prime Minister arrived at Buckingham Palace at about noon on Thursday.

A palace official said that he noticed the Malaysian Prime Minister looking very anxious when Queen Elizabeth II arrived in a yellow dress, to greet him and his wife.

As the Malaysian Prime Minister was shaking the Queen’s hand, he became dizzy and collapsed soon afterwards.

An emergency team was rushed to his aid and he was soon sent off to the nearest public hospital.

Dr. Ambika Sreenivasam, the physician who attended to the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister, said that he suffers from Xanthophobia.

“From the test we have done, it is confirmed that he suffers from Xanthophobia. Otherwise, he has a clean bill of health or ‘bersih’ as you would say in Malay,” she said smiling.

The beloved Malaysian Prime Minister was asked to leave the hospital soon after.

ASTANA (11th June 2011): The beloved Malaysian Prime Minister, Datuk Seri Nabij Razik, was in Kazakhstan for a two day official visit.

From the onset, the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit was marred by claims by several quarters that he was in Kazakhstan to attend the wedding of Borat Sagdiyev’s sister. Borat Sagdiyev, who is a well known celebrity in Kazakhstan, is Datuk Seri Nabij’s personal friend. It was understood that Datuk Seri Nabij had met and befriended Borat in the United States when the latter was there on a study tour to learn and adopt best practices from the American culture for the benefit of his home country, Kazakhstan.

Wisma Putra in a rebuttal dismissed this claim and issued a statement to Berkhatan, the national news agency, claiming that the Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit to Kazakhstan was to reciprocate the visit by the Kazakhstan President to Malaysia. The Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit was also to strengthen bilateral ties with Kazakhstan through a cultural study tour program, attend a few seminars and to explore trade and investment opportunities.

Borat at the Launch of the Study Tour Program

The Malaysian Prime Minister’s itinerary included launching of the study tour program ‘Cultural Learning of Kazakhstan to Make Benefit the Glorious Nation of Malaysia’. Coincidently, this program is the brainchild of Mr. Borat Sagdiyev. Borat mentioned that he mooted this idea to the Datuk Seri Nabij since Malaysia is well known for organizing many study tours for their ministers and government officials. Datuk Seri Nabij also announced that former Chief Minister of Selangor, Datuk Kirl Toyol will spearhead this study tour, since he has vast experience with study tours.

It was also mentioned in Wisma Putra’s statement that Datuk Seri Nabij also attended the 9th World Seminar on Proper Submarine Purchase Methodologies. The Malaysian Prime Minister is a patron to this event, ever since Malaysia purchased the Scorpene submarines in 2002. The statement also said that as a person with wide experience in submarine purchase, Datuk Seri Nabij had made it his responsibility to share his valuable experience at the seminar. This is a laudable act by a head of state.

Apart from this seminar, the Malaysian Prime Minister also attended the 2nd Asian Workshop on Prevention of Fighter Jet Engine Theft at Air Bases. The theme of this year’s workshop is ‘The Malaysian Experience’. Datuk Seri Nabij presented this important case study to the workshop participants, which included Defense Ministers from around Asia. The statement said that the participants appreciated the case study shared by the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister.

The highlight of the Malaysian Prime Minister’s visit was the launching of the study tour program ‘Cultural Learning of Kazakhstan to Make Benefit the Glorious Nation of Malaysia’. Among those who attended this launch were the President and Prime Minister of Kazakhstan. The launch went well with the exception of an embarrassing moment for the Malaysian Prime Minister while delivering his speech.

“Malaysia and Kazakhstan are great countries. There is a lot that both countries can learn from each other. Through this study tour, while we learn about the culture in Kazakhstan, we also hope to share with Kazakhstan about good governance. In Malaysia, my fellow ministers and I are very honest people. We understand and practice openness, honesty and transparency, which we know are vital if the people are to have faith that their government is working for them and not for itself” the Malaysian Prime Minister said followed by chuckles and giggles from the audience.

It was reported that the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister became perplexed upon seeing the reaction from the audience.

He nevertheless continued “We should be prepared to walk the talk…” Before he could finish there was laughter from the audience.

Looking agitated, he continued, “Good governance comes naturally to Muslim nations like Malaysia…….” By now, the laughter from the crowd was deafening. Datuk Seri Nabij, who at this point became very angry, shouted “What’s so funny, huh?” The laughter subsided.

A Kazakhstan government official was then seen running upstage and whispered something to the Malaysian Prime Minister. Suddenly the Malaysian Prime Minister’s face turned as red as his lips and he looked embarrassed. He was seen immediately trying hard to pull up his flyer but later we understand that it was stuck.

The official then announced to the audience that they will end the speech and proceed to the group photograph session. Immediately after the photograph session, the beloved Malaysian Prime Minister quickly ran backstage.

We later spoke to the Kazakhstan government official and asked him what had happened. “I was not sure initially. But when I heard the people chuckling and giggling, I thought that they simply could not believe the guy’s speech. I mean listening to him speak about openness, honesty, transparency and all that. Come on, we are not born yesterday. But later when I asked my colleague, who was also giggling, he pointed to the Malaysian Prime Minister’s crotch. That was when I realized his private part was sticking out. So I immediately ran upstage…”

Nevertheless, Datuk Seri Nabij’s visit to Kazakhstan was reportedly a big success with trillions of dollar in investment deals being inked. When asked what these investment were, upon his earlier than scheduled arrival at KLIA, the Malaysian Prime Minister said “We will announce in due time. These are confirmed deals. But I cannot make public the details for the time being. But these are confirmed deals”

New York: Beloved Prime Minster, Datuk Seri Nabij Razik’s visit to NYSE was a big success. During his visit there, he had launched Invest Malaysia 2011, which attracted many investors from the US. Subsequent to his visit, it was reported that trillions of dollars in investments in set to flow into Malaysia over the next few years.

The Malaysian Prime Minister arrived at NYSE, being very cautious after the unpleasant incident at the airport. To make up for the incident at the airport, President Obama had instructed New York Mayor, Mr. Blomberd to personally drive the Prime Minister to NYSE. Accompanying him in the car was Malaysian Ambassador to the US, Datuk Jalala Jajis.

The beloved Prime Minister arrived safely at NYSE at 10.15am. There was no untoward incident reported at the time of his arrival albeit a peaceful demonstration held by the Organization for Women Workers at Cigar Bars. They were protesting sexual harassment by customers at Cigar Bars.

One of the protestors.

As the Prime Minister stepped out of the car, he was greeted by the Malaysian contingent who comprised Malaysian corporate leaders, Malaysian embassy officials, representatives of the various Malaysian government agencies and students from the prestigious Berkshire University. “Where is Jalala?” he enquired as he was stepping out of the car realizing that the Malaysian Ambassador was missing. Without giving much thought to the Ambassador’s absence, the Prime Minister, accompanied by Mayor Blomberd and the CEO of NYSE, Mr. Lebowitz, walked into NYSE.

As the beloved Prime Minister made his entrance into NYSE, there was a large audience comprising many Malaysians and some US corporate figures, awaiting his arrival. “Welcome your highness,” greeted a top US corporate figure as he shook hands with the beloved Prime Minister. Many were pushing and shoving to get an opportunity to shake the Prime Minister’s hand. The Prime Minister was then accompanied unto the stage where he was to deliver his keynote address. On stage, he was seated together with Malaysian embassy officials and heads of various Malaysian government agencies. Mr. Lebowitz gave an opening speech and officially welcomed the beloved Prime Minister to NYSE.

“It is a great honor for us to have such a great personality, His Highness, Mr. Seri, to be present at the NYSE.” Immediately there was a surprise look on the Malaysians seated on stage. Some of them attempted to stand-up and visibly looked upset. The Prime Minister was calm and had an assuring look that things will be taken care off. The audience looked bewildered. Mr. Lebowitz noticing something amiss had interrupted his speech and was looking around clueless. A Malaysian aide was seen quickly running up the stage in panic and uttered something to Mr. Lebowitz.

“My sincere apologies, Mr. Razik. Everyone was addressing you as Datuk Seri so I assumed Seri was your surname. My apologies again. Anyway, without further a due, let us welcome His Highness the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Nabij Razik.” There was a roaring applause from the audience. All Malaysian dignitaries seated on stage were on their feet even before the Prime Minister was up. They all held out their hands in unison ushering the Prime Minister to the rostrum. The Prime Minister held up his hands waving at the audiences and signaled to those on stage to be seated.

When the Prime Minister was at the rostrum, the applause from the crowd mellowed out. “Thank you, Mr. Lebowitz for welcoming me. I forgive you for the small error you made.” he smiled as he looked at Lebowitz who returned his smile. The Malaysian government officials seated on the stage, laughed. Giggles were also heard from the crowd. Then there was silence. The crowd watched as the Beloved Prime Minister adjusted his suit and earpiece. He then extended his arms and rested them on both sides of the rostrum, and he then, fixated his look on the audience. He had a grim look on his face.

“Dear American investors….,” he started with a deep and firm voice. “MALAYSIA………. has for many years been waiting for you.” he paused. The audience looked serious and was very attentive. “We have been laying the foundations for you.” he paused and then took a deep breath.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!” he suddenly lashed out. Mr. Lebowitz fell from his chair. “GET IN NOW” he shouted. Many in the audience, especially those sitting at the front row, were shocked by the sudden outburst. One member of the audience was seen holding his chest and gasping for breath. Another was seen wiping his face feverously. The Malaysians applauded.

The Shocked Audience at NYSE

“Weeeee…..weeee as a nation, are ready for you! But are you ready to take us on??!! Come NOW! I am warning you! Do not tell me later I did not warn you! Come and take us while we are hot. We are spread open and we want you in us. GET IN AND GET IN DEEEEEEEP….” the Prime Minister continued looking extremely furious. He seemed to be in deep ecstasy at the same time. Some even reported seeing his eyeballs rolled back. The audience, still reeling from shock from the sudden outburst, looked scared and bewildered. The Malaysians meanwhile were cheering and applauding.

The Prime Minister then went on with his speech. The audience was quiet throughout. He emphasized 10 key reasons why the American should invest in Malaysia. He urged the Americans to get in on the ground floor and then move up to the fourth floor. “Get in at the ground floor. From there, we will take you to the fourth floor. It is an opportune time. We have launched the Government Transformation Program and also Economic Transformation Program. We were caterpillars before and now we want to be butterflies. We want to soar. So do not wait. Come in while my government is there to help you. If you wait any longer, I cannot guarantee it is going to be as lucrative. So I urge you to come in NOW! There is still much left in the barrel to be scraped. But if you wait any longer, it will be gone. Come in and work with our corporate elites” emphasized the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister also spoke about the Malaysian aspiration to become a quick income nation instead of a high income nation. “We have actually achieved the status of a quick income nation a long time back. This is better than being a high income nation. Investors want quick money and that is what Malaysia is all about. In Malaysia, a newly established company can make as much as RM500 million overnight. We have many such success stories. We have such business expertise and acumen and we are willing to teach you how this is done. This is the kind of potential we have in Malaysia. So come invest here and we will show you our definition of quick returns.” he said gripping the rostrum.

The Prime Minister also touched on the measures taken to ensure transparency in business conduct in Malaysia. “We have launched the Whistleblower act to ensure that all unethical business practices are given due attention. And I am glad to say that from the time this act was put in place, very few have used this whistle. The few that did were all false alarms. And we do not tolerate false alarm. So be careful and do not simply blow this whistle or you will pay the price. We view false alarm very seriously. Apart from the whistleblower act, we also have the government e-procurement system. This is a state of the art system. This is a highly sophisticated system that can detect unethical business conduct and will immediately alert the authorities when malpractices are detected. Ever since this system was implemented, I am glad to say we have not recorded any malpractices. So with all these, what more do you need, huh?” he said looking annoyed with the audience.

The Prime Minister also touched on the Malaysian aspiration to become the only country where 100% of its citizens have high moral values. “Malaysia is well on her way to becoming a country, where 100 percent of her citizens, have high moral values. And I can assure you, through years of effort, we are only months away to achieving this target. Our KPI minister, Mr. Koshoo Cacoon, can confirm this. There is only 1 person left in our country, who is of low moral value. This person indulges in unnatural sex and the only one in our country. He is currently being tried and justice will be served. And once this guy is put away, god bless, in a few months we will achieve this target.” concluded the Prime Minister to a roaring applause from the audience. He was then invited to take questions from the floor.

A slim feminine figure was immediately spotted walking gracefully and sexily, from the back of the hall towards the microphone stand placed close to the stage. Due to the lighting in the hall, her face was not clearly visible. Everyone in the audience was trying hard to get a good look at her. She was very sensuous. The Prime Minister, being on stage, was also trying hard to get a good look at her. As her appearance became more visible, there were gasps and wows heard from the audience. The audience, especially the males, looked mesmerized by her presence. The Prime Minister was still peering until she reached the microphone stand. In a very sexy voice, she said, “I am Hantuya Ponti Anna from the Crime and Investigation Channel.” The Prime Minister’s face changed instantly and he looked very apprehensive.

Miss Ponti Anna continued, “I would like to touch on the transparency practiced in Malaysia with a particular focus on the many covered up high profile cases involving politicians. Case number one pertains to…..” At this point, Nabij was seen perspiring profusely from his wide forehead and had great difficulty breathing. His legs were becoming weak and it looked like he was going to collapse. “My God!….Mr. Prime Minister, are you okay?!” Miss Ponti Anna shrieked while running towards the stage. The Prime Minister was seen holding on to the rostrum for support. Everyone on stage rushed to his aid. The Prime Minister became unconscious and was immediately taken off the stage in a stretcher. It was learnt that the Prime Minister was put on the next immediate flight to Malaysia.

Miss Hantuya Ponti Anna

After the unfortunate situation, we spoke to some of the Malaysian government officials to get their views on the entire event. Aminah from the Malaysian Ministry of Trade said “Yes….yes…it was a great event la. Great food, you know. Did you try the ‘nasi lemak’? But I am so sad for my beloved Datuk Seri. I dunno what happen to him laaa. What happen, ah? Anyway, I hope he recover so soon. Very unfortunate la, he had to leave early. You tau tak, he even got an invitation from some David Litterman to appear on a veeerrry popular TV show. That is how popular our Datuk Seri is. I was told that this Litterman had asked Datuk Seri to present the 10 key reasons to invest in Malaysia on the Top Ten List segment. Sayang laa, that would have been a very good chance for us to promote Invest Malaysia. Tapi dah kehendak Tuhan, nak buat macam mane (But alas its God’s will, what can we do). Missed opportunity la”

The recent headlines in a local Malay daily, on Christianity becoming the national religion of Malaysia, has sparked wide spread confusion amongst the Malaysian public. Malaysians were so confused that many did not turn up for work today since there was a rumour that the Prime Minister will declare a public holiday to commemorate this historic occasion.

On another front, many Malaysian Christian leaders were instructed to meet the Prime Minister at Putrajaya to discuss the controversy. Domino Popmycherry Mayam, the head Bishop from the Church of His Father, Her Mother and That Lady, when asked why he was asked to go to Putrajaya, said that, he received a telephone call asking him to attend a meeting with the beloved Prime Minister at Putrajaya. He said the person was stern over the phone and offered no explanation on the reason for the meeting. “But he said that I must attend at all cost or else,” Domino continued. Nevertheless, Domino was excited because he can get a chance to tell his friends that he met the beloved Prime Minister and he was also hoping that he might get a chance to take a photo with him.

Apart from Domino, other Christian leaders and personalities like Reverand Tommy Thetutu, Archbishop Perry Khoo, Father Nielsen and the famous Christian pop-group, The Deflowered Alterboys, are also expected to attend. It was believed that an order was also given to the Pope to attend but the Pope had mistakenly ended up in Malawi. The Vatican was believed to have sent their apologies to the Malaysian Government.

Swami Narayana Kutty Biggalingga and Ramasamy a/l Polliah of the Hindu Lingam, was also spotted at the gates to the Prime Minister’s office. When asked what they were doing there, Ramasamy said he was furious that he was not invited for the meeting. When explained that the meeting was only for Christian leaders, Ramasamy said that the Hindu’s would also like to voice their displeasure. When asked what this displeasure was, Ramasamy said that there are not enough temples in the country for the Hindus. They were soon after seen leaving the gates after some officials in suits had spoken to them and handed Ramasamy a parcel. We noted a tussel between Ramasamy and the Swami over the parcel, as they were leaving.

Our reporter contacted the religious authorities from the Buddist faith to get their views. Monk Bhodisdharma Dylamo when contacted over the phone over this meeting, said in a very serene and calm voice “Man’s wife his bitter half, his mistress his better whole.” When asked to explain what he had just said, he went on saying “Don’t sweat the petty stuff, and don’t pet the sweaty stuff….”. He then hung up.

No Muslim leaders were contactable this Thursday evening. All calls to their mobile were unanswered. We are not sure the reason for this but we have faced this problem many times before when calls are made Thursday nights.