Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Has come to the point where I almost cried over the fact that I could not find my size shoes while internet shopping. There are some serious issues under this compulsive shopping spree I'm on...my brains are leaking out of my ears

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

NETFLIX. Fuck you for posting up a bunch of romantic comedies and then pulling me in to watch them with your evil sorcery. I hate you, but I love you because you have Godard and both Hepburns and all that other good stuff. ugh. I think this is the closest I'v come to a relationship in MONTHS and it's already a relationshit. A relationshit, with my netflix. I really need some of this shit up in my life :

Thursday, December 22, 2011

There is a fine line between being the girl who gets walked all over and the girl who will stand with you through everything, the girl who won't turn her back no matter how hard you push. I have been struggling with this fine line, and often times I find that I am in limbo of the two. On one hand my patience has proven my love and loyalty, on the other hand it has allowed a certain someone to take advantage of my forgiving nature and stomp on my heart. They say that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Okay I follow the logic, but when is it time to put your foot down? See this asshole in my life is a super asshole sometimes, or 'super-rat'. Sometimes it's as though he hit every branch falling down the asshole tree and fell splat transforming into a pile of shit that only an ass could shit out. I feel bad for him, I pity him and his miserable lonely existence that is at a constant battle with himself, and in between all of this pity and sorrow, I remembered, what about me? Cliches exist for a reason, and that's probably because they are true, but here is another one for you: if you want respect then earn respect and you must respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to. Respect is given to those we either admire, or fear, and sometimes both. It's often true that we admire the ones we love, and hidden in there is a bit of fear. Loving someone makes you vulnerable, gives a little bit of power over you to someone else. It's terrifying. This person could break your heart, ruin your character, of course it's scary, like shit your pants scary. That is why you must wisely chose the one you love. They say we have no control over that, I don't quite believe it. I think we make choices in what we like about people and what we don't like. I for instance like rebels, a bit of a bad boy. This is asking for trouble. The bad boys are either 19 year old pot smoking dead beats or 60 year old pot smoking dead beats, the bad boys in the ages in between are in their moms basement. Like the old country Western goes Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys'Cause they'll never stay home and they're always aloneEven with someone they love

I think that as women we do have the power to control what traits attract us. Not that I have actually tried this theory. But I'm going to start, because I really am sick of assholes, super rats, and cowboys. Not that I will be walking about with a preped up yuppie as my new piece of arm candy, but I think a change in behavior is due.

Also, listen to this fucking song, I don't care if you think country is lame, this one speaks to all women, wether he is a cowboy, super-rat or what have you. This is the song.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Every magazine is ablaze with the new trend of famous sisters, the Fannings, the Olsens, the Middletons, the Simpsons, and lets not forget the Kardashians, well the list goes on and on. My bias opinion leads me to my two favorite sisters who are barely talked about and only brought back to my consciousness due to Netflix. The Mckellar sisters from The Wonder Years. The good hearty Winnie and Becky who were not sent to rehab for god knows what reason, and not diagnosed with some sort or eating disorder, nor have any sort of sex tape leaking out.

You're ruling planet Venus -- the goddess of love -- enters futuristic Aquarius and your 5th House of Romance today, re-energizing a current relationship or catalyzing a new one. This is likely to be a joyful time, but you could lessen your chances for happiness if you become overly attached. Enjoy the thrills and chills of fun and games without letting your emotions get in the way.

Yea right...this libra and her aquarius are not 're-energizing' nor is there anything being catalyzed. Except for this horrid sinus infection which is acting as a catalyst for my wretched, impetuous, lazy, miserable behavior. 'This is likely to be a joyful time' — what the fuck kind of rainbows and glitter acid trip are you on Rick Levine? THIS is a rotten time, like black plague in England sort of rotten. Its cold, I'm too lazy to get anyone anything, I'm in a rotten mood, I'm cold, I'm perpetually hungry, I'm stuck inside because IT'S FUCKING COLD and the cab drivers can't take directions so it's hopeless cause leaving the indoors, and all of my friends are too wrapped up n their fairytale dream relationship and/or too busy hustling to play therapist with me. So no, this is not a fucking joyful time.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I’m not gonna lie…I’m kind of a Grinch when it comes to
Christmas. I used to love it when I was younger, I’m not gonna deny that I
would be the first one to put on Frank Sinatra’s Christmas music and look
forward to roasted chestnuts but these days the only kind of roasting I want to
do is the retarded DJ’s nuts who put on that sappy Christmas music. I hate the
bustle of shopping for gifts. I hate the fucking cold weather. Fuck. That.
Shit. And the goddamn Santa with the fucking bell jingling for the salvation
army making me feel like shit for not donating the 2 cents I have left in my
pocket after having gotten the giant sized starbucks cancer coffee. I mean come
on…

Most of all I HATE being alone during the holidays. It’s the
worst. It’s as though every single little thing was geared toward couple
activities. What is up with that? Like ‘share the warmth and joy of gift
giving’- crappy JCPenny commercial with a corny republican looking couple with
the man giving diamond earrings while she gives him socks or some shit. It’s as
though they are about to start promoting shit like ‘hey wait in line together
for the bathroom! Its holiday cheer!’ or ‘take a shit together while holding
hands, how special, Nikon coolpix will capture all of your warmest memories’. Please
someone choke me. I wince at the sight of couples holding hands skating about
and though I myself would rather slit my throat with a ice skating blade then
do that with my man friend it still makes me a little jealous of their saccharin
happiness. Despite knowing that after they have their hot coco, wipe the foam
off each other’s noses, and go home to have average sex, being that all of
these things cause me nausea, I am still jealous. And ever so irritated at
myself for being jealous. My idea of spending a good time during the holidays
with my man friend is being bundled up on a comfy couch with a couple 40’s,
cheap Chinese food and South Park’s Christmas specials. That brings warmth to
my heart and would make me immensely happy. And only at this point would I
entertain the notion of holiday cheer.

As far as I am concerned I’m going into hibernation and
doing my best to avoid people for the next few months, at least till it all
thaws out. And no I will not be
attending your stupid holiday parties where everyone wears those horrid holiday
sweaters.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Doc Golightly: I love you Lula Mae.Holly Golightly: I know you do, and that's just the trouble. It's the mistake you always made, Doc, trying to love a wild thing. You were always lugging home wild things. Once it was a hawk with a broken wing... and another time it was a full-grown wildcat with a broken leg. Remember?Doc Golightly: Lula Mae there's something...Holly Golightly: You musn't give your heart to a wild thing. The more you do, the stronger they get, until they're strong enough to run into the woods or fly into a tree. And then to a higher tree and then to the sky.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Ok so maybe it doesn't take a wizard to detect a jerk.
Unless you are me. These sessions will be based on improving your skills in detecting a jerk, douchebag, asshole, pacifist, and any other sort of confused individual who can't help but ruin the things he comes upon because he is too confused to know what to do with it (including his penis).
Session one:
After having slept together several times within the course of a few days if he repeatedly tells you he "really likes to have sex," make sure that it's followed by "with you". If not, this probably means he is a sex addict (but who isn't), or a man whore. And sometimes both. Ouch.
Class dismissed.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I love Tokyo Milks scents, they are so natural. I hate floral scents, on my skin they become especially sweet and saccharin. I smell like a cheap stripper to be perfectly honest when it comes to sweet scents. I’m a fan of musky spicy smells.

My signature scent is Mademoiselle by Chanel. However I like to change things up once in a while.

“Women are not flowers,” Ms. Chanel once said. “Why should they want to smell like flowers?”

What she sought was something more “mysterious.” A woman, she said, “Should smell like a woman and not like a flower.”

I agree wholeheartedly. Eden uses slightly spicy smelling flowers, that still come off fresh, it’s the bronzed musk that really brings on the smokey smell and adds femininity and ‘mystery’.

The scent Cannabis by Fresh is a bit heavy, much more spicy and smokey, but still a very natural, feminine smell, it’s a bit flirty, a bit older, defiantly seductive.

Song in D. Minor is one of my favorites. It’s a bit out of my normal range of scents however it is charming, sweet though not saccharin, and it’s elegant. If the amber had not been added it would have been too citrus like for me. I really love this scent and get many compliments. One of my best friends actually bought the same one however it smells much sweeter on her then on me.

Skin oils can change the scent of a perfume drastically.This friend I mentioned and I often buy the same perfume, though on her the sweet and citrus elements come through, on me spices and musky, smokey smells become prominent.

Just wanted to share these wonderful scents that come at a reasonable price, unlike high end brand names such as YSL or Prada. Can be found at Saphora.

Friday, November 25, 2011

So those who know me know that I don’t keep up with
fashion and what is in and what is not. If you ask me about where to go shop
and what the hottest name in fashion is I will stare back at you like a deer in
headlights. However, if you ask me about classic pieces, I can write you a
dissertation.

I also have no idea what the best beauty brands, the
best creams, best washes, best exfoliates best whatever the fuck else you put
on your face to make sure your face remains at 22 forever.But I know ALL about natural fixes. Now
I will admit that due to me anxiety I have cystic acne and have to go to a
dermatologist to make sure I don’t get tumor sized bump. But black heads, white
heads, pores, dry skin flaky skin, combination skin, oily skin, puffy eyes,
dark circles, skin discoloration, sun spots and whatever the fuck else you can
think of for face and hair, I have an all natural fix for that will save you
some mega bucks instead of buying whale sperm, gold speckles, diamond dusted
micro sized jar of mambo jumbo fixer that takes “6 weeks” to show improvement.
Okay so you can look great by the time of your wake. Every month I do a full on
spa at home takes about max 3hrs if you really take your time. Up keep is very
important and if you can spend 3 hours at a bar every weekend then you sure as
fuck better figure out a way to spend some time fixing what you broke.

Number one: multitasking is your best friend. There is a
lot that needs to be done so you need to have a routine. Here is mine: usually before
I wash my hair I spread bergamot oil (really healthy for your roots and grows
in stronger healthier hairs) all through the routes to the tips and wash it out
then do a quick body wash. Aveeno is AMAZING. It’s natural, no residue, and
there is this calming lavender one that I’m smitten with, also has great
moisturizing agents for flakey dry skin (MOI) and won’t over moisturize for
oily skin (moi during the summer, weird I know).

Once this is done I do a hair mask; ingredients: 2 eggs,
1 cup olive oil, 1 cup almond oil, 2 opened capsules of liquid vitamin B mix
all together.Prepare before
getting in shower. Duh. Once you spread the mask all over comb it through to
make sure it really has spread and twist into a bun on the top of your head if
you have long hair, or tie back so its not touching your body/face.I keep the hair mask in for a minimum
of 20 mins.

While your hair mask is in can do your body soak as well
as facials.

Before you do anything else dry your body off and exfoliate
your body with exfoliating gloves (drug store), always go from top down, never
up and down. I mean you wont die but this does a few very helpful things. Its
gets your circulation moving, it pushes the extra water weight you carry around
down through your lymph nodes so you sweat it out easier during your shower,
also it’s the best way to rid your skin of unwanted flakes. I saved the best
perk for last: helps with cellulite. Here is how it works, cellulite is lumps
of hardened fat that sit on top of your muscle instead off embedded in it, thus
its harder to rid of, however not impossible. Once your get your blood flow
going and your skin warm, not just your body temperature but your actual skin,
the cellulite little by little can diminish back into the muscle, but it needs
to be massaged in. You know how on cellulite cream it says “rub in really well”
well that’s why for the most part, not because this bullshit product you are
using has tiny magic elves that work into your skin and rid you of your orange
peel ass. You don’t need to spend forever on this; I usually like to do two
rounds starting from the arms down, takes about a min to do. This may not be
good for everyone if you have really thin, sensitive skin. In which case I
would suggest a damp warm washcloth. After you have de-flaked, fill up your tub
and add: 2 cups oatmeal mixed with milk so its all yucky and mushy, few drops
of lavender, jasmine, and vanilla oil, half cup of almond oil. Now obv. I don’t
go around measuring these things but I have been doing it ever since I can
remember so I eyeball it, which is what I suggest you do.

Keep a basin of clean water next by, or a few, and a
wash cloth, to wash off your facial with.

Once you are in your tube wash your face with the
mixture and make sure you get it all off and your face dry.

Next you use a mask. This thing is AMAZING. You can find
it at Ricky’s or a drug store. Its called Aztec healing clay mask and it’s
all-natural. This shit is gods gift to man. It will clear out your pores, ride
you of your acne and get rid of any flaky weird shit happening. I have
combination skin, my oily t zone gets very oily and my dry spots get very dry,
so anyone wondering if this is too harsh on your face, fret not. Also if you
read the instructions you can do 10, 15, or 20 mins.It comes in powder form and it’s a big ass jar for nine
bucks a pop. You can mix it with water or raw apple cider vinaigrette, which I
prefer. Once you are done with your facemask start to drain your tube and as it
drains wash off the mask. Because this mask does so much all at once you are
probably going to find that you don’t need too much more work to get your face
in tip-top shape. I like to first do a luke warm milk rinse to calm down any
irritation that might have occurred, also its just full of great vitamins and tightens
up your skin, if you are having baggy eyes this is a great remedy. After your
rinse and your tube has emptied out turn on your shower and wash out your hair.
You will feel a difference immediately. Use a light shampoo like Johnson’s baby
wash to get rid of the entire gunk. You don’t want to use crazy brands just
because they leave a residue of chemicals that you don’t want and your hair
looks like a sad limp broom.

At this point you can hop out of your shower.

A key point: your bathroom should remain like a steam
room till the end. So we are talking about hot water. I mean don’t burn
yourself but push it to your limit. This way all of your pores open up, your
circulation gets moving, things you put on your body are soaked in easier and
your skin is more elastic.

Once out, the first thing you do is pour out a tiny bit
of bergamot oil into the palm of your hand, rub together till warm and soaked
into your hand. This stuff is potent so for people with oily roots/fine
hair/straight hair (guess who, yet again) you only want to have a light residue
left on your hands and work from your tips up to roots. While at it give your
self a nice scalp massage, to really get the oil in and wake up your roots. Why
do you think grannies always tell you to brush your hair like a hundred times
before bed? Its all about the scalp action, massaging will help promote hair
growth.I usually let my hair
air-dry. Blow drying after all that effort defeats the purpose, you didn’t just
put all that weird shit in your hair just to burn it all in the end. Towel dry
it as best you can and by the time your dressed and out the door it will be dry
anyway, esp. if it’s the first thing you do once out of the shower.

Next comes your face. I am addicted to witch-hazel
(again found at drug stores, 5 bucks for a decent size). It is truly magic. And
you only need a little bit. What this does is works as an anti inflammatory
agent and astringent. It’s the purest form of a toner you can get. It’s also
very soothing for stressed and tired skin. A lifesaver for those with an oily
t-zone. Though I would say keep it away from eye area, it can burn. My skin
stays a healthy normal complexion all day after this stuff.Next we have the eyes. This is the
first thing I came up with partially on my own and hasn’t been handed down to
me from god knows where. I keep this remedy in a jar in my fridge, the cold
really does a number for bags and dark circles. Cucumber (the center where its
jelly like with all the seeds) and Turmeric paste mixed together. You will have
to crush the cucumber seeds and make sure the jelly like part is not clumpy and
can be applied evenly. When creating the mixture think, for every two teaspoons
of cucumber jelly stuff one teaspoon of paste, you want it to be gelatin like
so when applying its only a light film under your eye and over your eye lid. If
you don’t know what Turmeric is, well wiki it, it does a lot of great stuff,
from anti inflammatory to anti aging, also heals sunspots, and works as an
anti-oxidant. Again found at your drug store for a couple bucks. I actually
have it in liquid form as well and add a few drops into half a glass of water
every night. It tastes not good :-/ but really helps for inflamed muscles or
getting ride of extra water weight you might have gotten from salty or spicy
foods (cankles are not a good look).You can also mix the paste with rose water and use as an alternative
toner, though it might have a slight tan to it (it comes from the ginger family
and is used for saffron and creating curries in it’s culinary use). In terms of
moisturizer I actually just use tea tree oil mixed with almond oil. It should
be used very very sparingly and it might take you a couple tries till you
figure out the best amount for your skin. Tea tree is great because it does a
ton of good things for your skin to keep it healthy and vibrant, though keep
away from eye area, though it is an oil it dose not sit like an oil, it can feel
acidic and burning at time when it’s not mixed in enough with almond oil. I say
use almond oil because it is one of the lightest oils there is and won’t leave
your face greasy, just fresh and natural. If you found yourself having applied
too much instead of wiping off, blot gently with a cotton ball till you feel
happy with the amount left on. You can also use grape-seed, which I hear great
things about though it is harder to come across and is more expensive.

And you are done. All natural gal.

Few things I didn’t mention:

Great eye masque: plain old cold yogurt. Gets rid of
bags and moisturizes the fuck out of your peepers.Keep on for 10-15 mins. Rinse with luke warm water and
moisturize as regular.

Also, super old school trick, tea bags. Earl grey, or
any sort of black tea, has caffeine in it, which once absorbed by your skin
tightens up, and bam no more puffy eyes, also great for circulation. I’m sure
you have heard how just today scientists are finding that caffeine when applied
to skin can keep it looking young. Yea my great granny could have told you that
and she was no doctor, just a mother of five. The story behind this is as
follows: when I was little my eyes would get super itchy and puffy and red, it
turned out I was deathly allergic to our cat. But my mom would warm up a cup of
water; dip the tea bag in for a few secs, then put it over my eyes. It was
instant relief, you have to keep dipping it back in though, the warmth allows
the caffeine to release, I would say let sit for about 5-10 mins. Apparently
she had the same kind of issue when she was younger during the spring season
and her granny would put tea on her eyes.

Another masque that I love love love but is messy: get
your bathroom all steamed up and apply molasses or pure honey all over your
face, minus eyes, but include lips!. I picked this up from some older Cuban
ladies who went to my gym and we sat together in the steam room. They would
pull out jars of this stuff and put it on and sit there for 30 mins. They swore
by it and when they washed it off their skin looked so fresh and healthy. I
mean their skin always looked great, I’m sure they had many other home remedies
I don’t know about to keep them looking that way. If you have a gym take it
with you into the steam room, or the sauna, both do wonders for tightening up
your skin and pores.

Well I think those are all my secrets for now, if I
think of any more I will add on a part 2! Let me know if you try one of these
and how it worked for you!!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

So this is my gift to you ladies. Those of you who feel like their hair just won't grow fast enough, there is an answer: http://www.viviscal.com/
This on some other level shit. Its like all of a sudden your hair is on crack cocaine and can't stop growing. You get my drift. At 50 bucks a pop you can look like a Disney princess too. But mind you, I only said look like one, the rest of your life is still gonna be complete and utter shit.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I been slacking on my rants I realize and the reason for
that is because I have shut my self into a panic room because my life is
scaring the living shit out of me at the moment (perhaps I should say as
always).

Obviously this means I have some good material to rant
about.

Relationships are pretty much the beginning of the end
of your life. You stop shaving, you get a little chubbs, you drink a little too
much and for some reason meg ryan is not as annoying as before and you find
your self relating to sally field and mia farrow in pretty much all of woody
allens movies. Not to mention the fact that you start to watch woody allen
movies. For the fifth time. Not a good look people. As if being in a relationship
is not turmoil enough for your poor little broken soul the inevitable breakup
happens. That’s when you want to create a pair of gigantic sunglasses that hide
your face MKA style and can also magically play Netflix so not only a.) does
nobody have to see your tear ridden, blotchy, puffed up sorry excuse of a face
but b.) you don’t have to deal with the struggle of getting your heavy, sad,
miserable body from it’s spot where you have probably left permanent body
prints on to change a channel or put on a movie. During those times simple
tasks such as these seem unbearable and could take you up to 20 mins to even
lift up your arm. You also wish you could hook up your arm to a bottle filled
with any sort brown liquor and lay in an edible bed of cheese puffs and an
assortment of Italian deli meats. The thought of ever even dating is nauseating
and putting on anything besides sweat pants is not an option. And that, my
friends, is the truth about dating and relationshits.

Let’s talk about this idea of “meeting your ‘one’ a
little too early in life”. Oh wait, do you, do you smell that? Dear god
almighty I think it’s the smell of BULLSHIT. Here is the deal. Sometimes
couples fall in love when they are in their young 20’s and then one of them
might start to wonder “oh am I in the right place in my life to be doing this
should I be experiencing life more blah blah blah” the usual bullshit we all
know. All of this mumbo jumbo is BS. If you think that the person you are with
is the one for you, then hold on to that shit and never let go. Its kinda like
jumping out of a plan hugging each other and not really knowing if the
parachute will catch you or not, and even then you still hit the ground with a
hard blow. But the fact is that in life we are all being thrown off a plan
towards our death, to be perfectly morbid and pessimistic, and there is that
insane in between part where you get to fly, now you can either do it alone or
you can do it with the one you love. In the whole spectrum of life and eternity
your life is miniscule and short and probably irrelevant. Love on the other
hand ties into eternity and life and is much much greater then our tiny little
heads can cope with. So no, there is no “right time” to be falling in love, or
to have a serious relationship. These things happen and if by some great chance
you are lucky enough to have it happen with the right person then you hold on
to that shit like it’s the last thing you got, because at the end of the day
when we are all old and icky, that is all you got. Life is never gonna come up
to you and say “oh hey, yea dude so this would probably be a good time to fall
in love, I can see in your forecast that your job is gonna be stable, your
family and you are in good health and non of your friends are having some sort
of psychotic breakdown, so yea you can probably go ahead and do that thing
now”. Love is not an extra curricular activity. If your in it you are IN it,
you cant run away and hide from it and pretend like its not there, that shit
will haunt you till you get over the person you are in love with or cope with
whatever is holding you back. But basically what I’m getting at is that there
is no such thing as “not a good time for a relationship” (I mean unless you
have serious mental issues or someone in your life is dying, but like having a
shitty job and your cat’s diabetes is not a good enough reason to skip train).
Usually that excuse means your balls and dick have receded into your body so
that now you are one giant pussy and in the case of females you simply suck at
life and no one really likes the bitchy alpha robo female. Not cute. It seems
my personal views on relationships and love are right now at a tug of war where
one side of me is a die hard believer in love can conquer all and the other
side is saying the heartbreak is so not worth the lbs and emotional bs.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

So over it. I say fuck the wholesome all American girl. I am done seeing the die-hard denim chick with her horrible highlights and pink pudgy face. Where is the sophisticated French woman? Where is lush, luxurious, fabulous? Certainly not found on the vegan soy coffee drinking pastel wearing woman. No more blowouts and 'bling'. No more fake tan, no more baseball caps and beer and high-tops. They claim that the American woman is the modern, working sophisticated woman. Let me tell you, those girls in your feminist class in college with their butch haircuts and starbuck chemical filled 'coffees' are going to be soccer moms. That blue eyed pudgy tink* with her bad highlights and short little legs who seemed to be the embodiment of a free woman is gonna move to the burbs and will probably end up scissoring with a woman from her book club. It's the European woman who has mastered the art of being a lady, flirting, seduction, all VERY powerful tools, much more then Barbara Walters mambo jambo political crap. Of course being educated and well spoken is important and intellect is invaluable, however, as said in MADMEN: Don't ever try to be a man, be a woman, it's powerful business when done correctly. This entire all American look is geared towards an androgynous look, and while that’s liberating and whatnot it's also limiting. The power of the little black dress, as invented by COCO, is to never be taken lightly. And of course a woman can look sexy in a pair of jeans and a shirt, but I'm saying, where did that old school glamour go, and when the hell are women going to wise up to it's power?

*pudgy tink: to help with the terminologyhttp://withasideoffuckthat.blogspot.com/2011/08/shitty-titty.html

Friday, October 14, 2011

On the J train this afternoon. At what point did you think it would be a good idea to get a "I (hamburger) NY" tat on your wrist. What are you going to say to your kids? Or your grand kids? "Oh yea this is when I was really stupid and on a bunch of drugs"
I HATE STUPID TATTOOS.
This is an issue I am serious about. I get heated. It is NOT, I repeat, NOT, okay to get the following:

1. An outline of a heart. What are you, too pussy to get that shit filled in? I mean unless there is a significant reason why you are not getting it filled in, please do not commit this crime. It's wretched. Not only that but it's a retarded tat. Like what are you 2? You couldn't come up with anything more significant in your life to represent who you are so you went for a heart? Are you seriously trying to tell me that the best visual representation of of what you care about/believe in/stand for/pay homage to is a fucking heart tat? Get real. Get a life. Get a brain. If I have to see one more vapid bitch/gay man with a fucking heart tattoo I will first shoot them, then their tattoo artist, then possibly myself.

2. Shapes. Like a fucking rectangle. Because you think it "looks cool". Fuck you, you fucking pretentious little shit. Its a fucking geometric object. I bet you didn't think it was so fucking cool when you were sitting in your geometry class in high school blazed out of your mind. Or like the outline of a triangle, I keep seeing people with this dumb shit. First off if so many people have it, there is no way in hell it can symbolize something interesting. You have just joined a heard of retarded hipsters, congrats.

3. Hello Kitty.

4. Any cartoon at all is completely and utterly unacceptable. If I spot you, RUN.

5. YOUR NAME. What you think your gonna wake up one morning after a night of drinking and forget your own name, your integrity yes, your name? Not so much.

6. Only lil Wayne is allowed to have tattoos on his face.

7. Your pets name/face/paw print. Just don't do it. It's worse then being a cat lady. It pretty much grantees that you will die alone and your pets will eat your dead body.

8. The Chanel logo. As much as I am a DIE HARD fan of coco, there is nothing less Chanel then getting a tat of the Chanel logo. The words tacky, cheap, vapid, retarded, tasteless, materialistic, fashion whore, come to mind.

9. Your sign/element symbol. Listen. Unless you are a scientist who has dedicated his/her life to studying an element, you have no business getting a element symbol. It's stupid. I mean, like, you thought really hard about what you want on your body permanently, like for the rest of your life, and all you came up with is the fact that your astrology sign is a water sign and will then therefore get a tattoo of that somewhere on your body. Get a helmet.
As for your sign. Jesus. Don't get me started. Let's just say I feel ashamed for the mother of that retard.

10. Tramp stamp=whore/stripper

11. Tribal tattoos. Lookie here, unless your family was directly related to the native Americans and y'all still live in a tepee or you were raised by a tribe of Amazonian cannibals or Mongols, you have no business getting a tribal tattoo. Stick to your roots. Not to mention that more then likely the tribe who's tattoo you are getting has been wiped out by your people. Good job.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Men are idiots. As if I don't say it enough. I generally know how to handle my men; I know when to put aside the stubbornness, when to let go of stupid comments, when to let them ‘win’. Men have diva moments, they have big time diva moments, and I generally know when to look the other way and let them live out their little shit fits. Some would say that I am a pacifist who let my men walk all over me. I would argue that I simply don’t give a fuck. I’m not a nagger. I know the difference between a personality trait and an odd behavioral moment. Men grow slower then women, I allow them to grow, and stumble, and most importantly get back up. If he doesn’t get back up then I’ll let him rot in his pit of misery. All I expect in return is for me to have my bat shit crazy moments as well and not to have them be made a huge deal about. Every time I fly off the rail dose not mean that I am actually an irrational person, it means I’m having a fucking moment. I let you have your damn moment, so let me have mine! Ugh... It’s funny, I’ll give an example: I let (let’s call him “fucker” for time being) fucker be a drunk idiot and do stupid shit all night long AND put up with whisky dick (wa wa waaaaa) and wake up in the morning and make the coffee like a good little stepford wife not mentioning a single thing about said debauchery of previous night (all is forgiven in lieu of little fucker making up for his weak behavior in the morning). However, when I am having a rough weak and get a little psycho bitch all of a sudden it’s “I don’t know if I can be the person you want me to be” BS. Honey, unless your name is prince fucking charming nobody can be what I want them to be, don’t flatter yourself. What the hell is it with men and not know when to let their women have a fucking moment. Every time we go ape shit crazy on you does not actually mean we are truly that angry or upset, in hindsight we tend to look back and say ‘ooppss, blew that one way out of proportion…’ because that’s what we do. For fucks sake know when to take it seriously and when to let it be. If it’s not mentioned again within the next 24 to 48 hours it’s probably a ‘oops’ moment. Granted if these oops moments happen more then often you should see a therapist, really, it works. This is new territory for fucker, usually I am calm and collected, in the past, let's see, 4 years now? That this shit has been going on, I've thrown a hammer in his general direction only once! I also recall sucker punching him for some sort of immoral behavior...However point being that I am only now starting to have some oops moments because life has been throwing some curve balls and I can't quite keep it together all the time. Fucker has no idea how to handle this. I might have to hand the bastard a xanex and tell him to buckle down cuz it’s gonna be a long ride.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Well I am saying goodbye to 23 and hello to 24. I learned a lot from many mistakes, and I have a feeling this will be a more productive year. I mean 24 started off with a plethora of Chanel goodies, amazing dinners, best friends, laughs and partying in moderation. I call this the year of moderation. My friend saw my birthday goodies on one of my birthday dinners and claimed that I had now officially reached woman hood, granted your things should not define who you are but if you are at a maturity to own those things then a certain level of maturity is required in the way you handle yourself...I mean you can't be stumbling home at 4 am decked out in Chanel from some dive bar...at least not on the regular. I will always love my dive bars, I will of course have some nights when I am getting back home at 4am, I'm 20 something, this is the time for those things to happen, however, this party girl is going to be slowly trading in her shot and beer for a glass of wine and getting ready to pass down the crown to another newly 20 something just out of college party animal. I mean I know I'm starting to hit my limits because I'm starting to get tired by 12:30 and wake up with the occasional hangover. Side note: I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN HANG OVERS IN MY LIFE. EVER. That was deff a sign that my body is not what it used to be, and that I really should take better care of myself. This year certainly had its ups and downs. Love had, lost, rehashed, job changes, school, and so very many other things I couldn’t possibly list it all. But I can say that I am one damn lucky gal. In lieu of past recent events I have become even more aware of how lucky I am to have the best friends that I do. Most people can spend their whole lives not even having half of one of the friends that I have, and I get to have so many. I always say that your friends are the family you get to choose, and I got some great selections. Next thing to be grateful for, I have learned to love, all over again, each day I learned to fall in love over and over and over again. That is a beautiful gift. I don't know where things will go with my relationshit but as much as I have bitched about it, there are qualities there that have obviously kept me going back for more. And regardless of what happens I will always be grateful for having learned how to love to such a capacity. I am also grateful that my life is absolutely bat shit, soap opera crazy. Boring is, well, boring. I'm insane, and therefore my life is insane. Most people wouldn’t be able to handle it and I still wonder how I have the courage to get out of bed in the morning because it is a war zone out there, but I do anyway, and I secretly LOVE every minute of it. It's either put on your heels and helmet or get out the way. I have a gut feeling that 24 will be very different; I can feel the slight tingling in my toes that I really am becoming a woman and coming into my own. I will hold my head up high and march on ahead no matter what get's thrown my way, and I'll be damned if I don't do it classy as fuck. It’s do or die baby. Watch out world, I'm on a mission.

Okay so I requested one of my nearest and dearest friends to guest post on my blog because she is hilarious and has this extraordinary quality of being able to say the dirtiest things while maintaining her lady like composure. Now I told y'all once and I'll tell y'all again, I roll with the best, fuck the rest.

Warning: you might piss your pants.

Is it just me, or is it getting harder and harder to insult people? Whatever happened to just calling someone an asshole and being done with it? Or saying “U Suck!” (loudly of course)? Wit and expansive reference knowledge has become necessary to put someone down it seems… Ms. Mey is Queen of this sort of name-calling, whereas me, I like to keep things short and sweet. I am a fan of the nasty epithet, making everyday words offensive. Nothing too long, and straight to the point. I don’t have the time or the quickness to craft masterful verbal abuse. So I turn to these bad boys…

Cum receptacle/ Cum Guzzler (n.)- Words like whore, ho, and slut do not cut it any more in this cut-throat world, where rappers and free- style battles reign. This is an easy quick to the point way of calling a person those generic nouns, all while making them think about it.

Dick Licker (n.)- This is one of my favoritest things to call a guy when they get me angry. For some reason, it gets every straight guy massively offended. I guess it is the connotations that put this over as well, especially if the guy spends so much time defending his masculinity.

Penis breath (n.)- This word creeps into the cum receptacle and dick licker territory, because it is replete with implications and connotations which are not apparent right off the bat.

Masturbation tool- Along the same lines as cum receptacle and cum guzzler, this implies empty easy sex with the same connotations that come with the typical, slut whore, hooker vein, it’s just a little classier.

Slore (n.)- This word is taking the words slut and whore to a whole new level, it is a monster combo that combines the two very divergent words mixing together all the terrible, nasty and dirty connotations (cause ya know there is a difference). Slooker falls into this category as well.

Smut/ Smut a tut tut (n.)- Borderline tame and generic epithet, but just roll off the tongue with nasty ease.

Cuntiface (n. or adj.)- Every time I hear this or say this, I laugh and automatically feel a tremendous amount of pity (maybe spiteful pity) for the person this is referring to. It is awful, but delightfully malicious all at the same time. Killer combo: Cuntiface twat… if you really want to go there

twat/ tit-both borrowed from the other side of the pond, this is one of my favorites. Short, sweet, right to the point and almost obscure.Twat is just hilarious and disgusting. Tit is similar to douche bag and asshole according to my understanding, but it can be morphed to your own liking.

Dick wad- A classic retort, age old but still relevant.

Douche (n.)- variants include; douche bag, db, douche breath. These in my opinion sometimes are attached with a playful “Bro” attitude. But when used outside your group of friends it has a stronger impact.

Ass part- What could be worse? Maybe cuntiface…

Trifflin’ (adj)- It is an old school word, even my mother uses it, but putting this adjective in front of anything makes it ten times worse.

I hope you find these useful in your next verbal battle. On top of the words, it is all about tone of voice…