Anaximandros: Hey buddy, how are you holding up in there? You’re pretty silent. Are you ok?

(A split-second later…)

Anaximandros: Jack? Can you hear me? It’s been already two episodes since the last time I saw you! Do you know how long that is? And don’t start giving me that crap about events happening in real time…

Duncan: Ok, that’s enough!

Anaximandros: What?

Duncan: The cursing of course! What exactly are you trying to prove? Your high level of coolness? Give me break! You sound like a phony gangster. And on top of that you are disgusting! You’re embarrassing yourself…

Anaximandros: But you let us do a lot of cursing during the last episode!

Duncan: That was an exception. After all, how can you write an episode about a guy who has diarrhea and talks to his intestine while defecating, without using one of the words: shit, crap, turd, stool, or even poop?

Anaximandros: Yikes dude! What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to make us all puke? And by the way, what’s the deal today? Are you gonna keep showing and messing up with the script, just to do your thing? Let us do our jobs!

Duncan: Yeah… I suppose you are right. I guess I’ll have to find a better way to interfere. Dismissed! You can go back to whatever you were not doing…

Random parent with a kid, who cares enough to make a scene: Watch your mouth young man! Some of us have kids in the plane. You can’t talk like that in front of them…

Anaximandros: Damn you Duncan…

Random parent with a kid, who cares enough to make a scene: What did I just say about your language? Are you trying to make me angry?

Anaximandros: What is your problem old man? I said “Damn” for Christ sakes. I didn’t say that ‘your kid is a first class moron’! Get over it!

Sound effect: The kid starts crying

Wife of the random parent with the kid, who cared enough to make a scene: That’s it! Now you deal with me, you son of a BiTcH!

Anaximandros: Oh shit!

(Meanwhile, above the bathroom, somewhere in the plane…)

Jack Bauer: Be patient Jack! Five more screws and you are out of here! By opening this hole in the plane, you are opening a window to your sanity. You can do this!

(Five screws later…)

Jack Bauer: Damn it! There was another metallic surface behind the one I was unbolting! OK! Never mind! Focus Jack! 100 more screws and you are out of here. Thank God you didn’t cut your nails this morning. No wait… What am I saying? Thank me I didn’t cut my nails this morning! That’s it! I can do this! I CAN DO THIS! I am Jack Bauer!

Jack Bauer’s other self: I can’t hear you!

Jack Bauer: I am Jack Bauer…

Jack Bauer’s other self: I still can’t hear you!

Jack Bauer: I Am JaCk BaUeR!

Jack Bauer’s other self: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Jack Bauer: I AM JACK BAUER!!

Random couple: Will you SHUT up? We are trying to have SEX over here!

(101 screws later…)

Jack Bauer: Finally! All the screws are gone. All I have to do now is to push this slate out, and I will be free in a second. Fortunately, I go nowhere without my pocket parachute …

Jack Bauer’s other self: Dude, this slate looks heavy, are you sure you can push it by yourself?

Jack Bauer: What kind of question is this? Of course I am! I am Jack Bauer, remember?

(One push and a couple of farts later…)

Jack Bauer: I did it! I am fr… Wait a minute! This is not the Atlantic Ocean! This is still LAX! What the hell? I am either hallucinating or we haven’t taken off the whole time! Is this a joke? What the deuce?

(Jack’s phone starts ringing…)

Jack Bauer: Hello?

Stewie Griffin: Hi! Stewie Griffin here! I’ve been watching the show from TV and I wanted to tell you this: STOP STEALING MY LINES YOU BASTARD! If you still care for your life, of course…

Jack Bauer: What?

Stewie Griffin: “What the deuce” is my catching phrase! Everybody knows that! And this was my last warning… There is also something else I wanted to share: You’ve been FOOLED, smartass!

Jack Bauer: Wha…? What do you mean?

Stewie Griffin: The trip was fake, stupid! CTU planned the whole thing to test your preparedness and to force you clean your intestine! How could you not tell?

Jack Bauer: What are you talking about?

Stewie Griffin: Think of all the evidence you moron: You were given a seat by the aisle, you suffered food poisoning, you spent most of your trip in the bathroom and your adjacent passenger – who btw never left you out of sight – was proved to be a Rubik’s cube champion! I mean c’mon! Wake up Jack… The guy was a CTU agent!

Jack Bauer: You are bluffing!

Stewie Griffin: Are you retarded or something? Why would I do that? Anyway… You need proof? Fine! Look outside the window! Do you see someone who looks like Bill Buchanan? Yes? Yes? That’s because HE IS, jackass! He’s STILL conducting the whole operation for crying out loud!

Jack Bauer: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Stewie Griffin: Exactly! That was the reaction I was looking for. Thanks for playing with me… Bye!

Anaximandros: Jack, have I ever talked to you about my first girlfriend? It’s a lovely story actually! It goes back to the beginning of the 80’s, when I was a teen. Do you remember the 80’s buddy? What I silly question… Of course you do! You are like what? 50? 55? You would already be an adult, by then. Ahhh… These were the times dude! I had this stinky long hair I barely washed, which was covering the enormous headphones of my classy walkman. And I couldn’t go anywhere without it. God, I loved my walkman! That, and my Rubik’s cube. Oh, my precious little cube! We‘ve done so many things together… By the way, have I bragged to you about being a Rubik’s cube world champion? Well, I should! I mean, I held the word record for more than a decade! Yeah! 17.02 seconds! But things have changed since then my friend, you know? Especially when Japanese got involved. You can’t mess with those whackos, Jack! Nobody can! They hold records in all categories possible: 5 attempts, blindfolded, one hand… They even invented a new category: “feet only”. Chang Jee-Hoon is the current champion with 36.94 seconds. Can you believe that? Well, neither could I, but it’s true. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the 80’s! Everything was so artistic back then. Even the movies. Especially the movies! Do you remember John McLane from “Die Hard”? What a movie! Or the “Scarface”… Do you remember the “Scarface”, Jack? By the way, did you know that in this movie, they used the f**k-word 207 times? I mean that’s a lot of…

Jack Bauer’s voice (from inside the restroom): SHUT THE F**K UP!

Anaximandros: Yeah! Exactly like this, but 207 times! Can you imagine that? Anyway, I should really tell you the story about my first girlfriend. It’s hilarious! So, here is what happened: We used to go in the same school where…

(Inside Jack’s crampy bathroom)

Jack Bauer: Ok, that’s it! I’m out of here!

Jack’s large intestine: No you’re not!

Jack Bauer: Damn it!

(A couple of hours later…)

Jack Bauer: So, what’s the deal pal? Are you done with you ‘job’, down there or what? I’m sick of waiting! And I can’t afford listening to him, another minute! C’mon you filthy organ… HURRY UP!

Jack’s large intestine: Hey! What was this? Did you just yell at me? How dare you yelling at me? I am working my ass off to… Wait a second… This didn’t sound right, did it?

Jack Bauer:Not really… Technically you are working my ass off…

Jack’s large intestine: Makes sense…

Jack Bauer: You see, it’s the fact that you work for me that makes the whole difference…

Jack’s large intestine: Fine… How dare you yelling at me Jack Bauer? I am working overtime to cast all this bulls**t out of your body and you treat me like crap! Do you see the irony Jack? Do you? That’s it! From now on, I demand respect and politeness on your behalf. Otherwise, I’ll never work for you again! Hear me? Never!

Jack Bauer: Hahaha! Yeah, right… You forget one thing though: I am Jack Bauer! And nobody can blackmail Jack Bauer. Not even you… Not even me… You know what I think about you, intestine? I think you’re full of crap!

Jack’s large intestine: Don’t go there Jack… One week without work and we’ll see who’s gonna be full of crap then…

Jack Bauer: Fair enough… I’ll give it a shot, but I cannot make any promises. Are you done now?

Jack’s large intestine: Just one more second…

(Deleted disgusting scene)

Jack’s large intestine: Ok, I finished.

Jack Bauer: It was about time…

Jack’s large intestine: So, how do you plan to escape from here? I mean, you obviously can’t use the bathroom door because of Anaximandros, and this place has only paper and soap…

Kiefer Sutherland: The following, takes place somewhere in the timespace…

Inside Jack’s brand old Greek plane…

Pilot: We are about to take off from LAX. The weather is blah blah blah. Please, fasten your blah blah blah. Well, you know the rest. Oh! I almost forgot! We will be in Greece in about… Well… Who am I kidding? I don’t have a clue when. You can place your bets about our arrival, on our old and unattractive, male flight-attendants. If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. We will ignore you anyway… Have a wonderful flight, and thanks for making the same mistake and flying with us again!

Jack Bauer: Great! My direct flight to hell has begun… Wait a minute! What am I doing? No! No! They won’t break me. I need to focus. I can do this. I’m Jack Bauer! Yes! That’s it… I just need to take a deep breath. I also need to see the bright side here: It can’t get any worse than that!

Anaximandros: Hi! My name is Anaximandros and as you can clearly see, I am your adjacent passenger. And since it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever see me again, it’s a great opportunity to start acting like a major pain in the ass, by opening my heart to you and talking ceaselessly about my problems for the entire flight!

Jack Bauer: I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again. I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again. I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again. I will never say “It can’t get any worse”, again…

Moufa (Male Old Unattractive Flight-Attendant): Lunch time!

Jack Bauer: About time…

Moufa: Do you prefer the chicken or the beef, sir?

Jack Bauer: Don’t know… Which one is better?

Moufa: They both suck, sir! Chicken will give you dysentery, and the beef diarrhea…

Jack Bauer: I‘ll go with the diarrhea then…

Jack’s evil thoughts: Hahaha!This one will buy me a ticket to the restrooms, away from this loony. A ticket to freedom! In your face, Greek wacko… Jack you‘re a genius!

Jack’s other thoughts: I know…

Moufa: What about you, sir?

Anaximandros: I’m having what he’s having…

Moufa: Certainly, sir…

(A couple of nanoseconds later…)

Jack’s evil thoughts: My evil plan is working… WTF did they put in that beef, anyway?

Jack Bauer: Excuse me Anaximandros, but you have to get up. I need to go to the restroom…

Anaximandros: But… You are sitting by the aisle!

Jack Bauer: I know. You hear that WRITER? By the aisle! Someone would expect that the great Jack Bauer would sit by the window. But no! I have to sit by the aisle!

(After some more grouching, he finally went to the restroom, where several minutes later…)

Sound effects: Knock Knock!

Jack Bauer: Occupied!

Anaximandros: Hey Jack, it’s me! Diarrhea is a bitch bro. Believe me, I know! Been there… In fact, I‘ve taken this plane so many times, that I am already immune to it. I’m tellin’ you… You won’t leave the bathroom before landing… But, don’t you worry! I’ll keep you company till then…

Kiefer Sutherland: The following takes place between «before the dawn of time pm» and «after the dawn of time pm»

Back in CTU

Untalented Vietnamese Actor Playing A Random Agent (Uvapara): Yo Bill, do you have a sec?

Bill Buchanan: Not right now, I am talking to this fake phone. I want to seem busy…

Uvapara: This is an emergency dog!

Bill Buchanan:(Still talking on the phone…) Ok Mr. President! We know that you are incompetent and that you can’t solve the case without us. Don’t worry! We won’t let you down. Jack’s on fire these days. (…and he hangs up)

Uvapara: Actually, it’s not him who’s on fire…

Bill Buchanan: What do you mean Uvapara?

Uvapara: I’ m tellin’ you dude… He should quit on that junk food he’s been eating lately. His ass can sing our national anthem, nowadays.

Bill Buchanan: What happened?

Uvapara: What do you thing it happened? He messed up again, because we are still at the beginning of the season. It’s way toο early to complete the mission.

Bill Buchanan: Don’t be too abstract Uvapara, I need details.

Uvapara: OK! You asked for it: While he was about to capture Ahmed the Dead Terrorist he infused the air with his own smelly gas. And this is great Jack’s farting we are talking about. Not even he can take it. So he…

Bill Buchanan: Ok ok stop it! I get the picture… And where is he now?

Uvapara: He took himself into custody for jeopardizing the mission. As a matter of fact, he’s on his way to CTU right now.

Bill Buchanan: This is so Jack Bauer! But if you ask me, I think that Jack is a jack for arresting himself. Of course, nobody gives a s**t on what I think. In this office, the «chain of command» was always super-loose. Anyway, what’s his ETA?

Uvapara: C’mon Bill. We both know that there is no such thing as an ETA. He will conveniently appear when our chat ends. And when it does, he will probably enter the scene, interrupting my last sentence in order to make it look more realist…

Jack Bauer: Ok! Attention on me now! I am back…

Chloe: Jack you are back! Look at me! I am happy but nobody can really tell because I am a terrible actress and I can only make one face… (this one —-> :-I)

Bill Buchanan:(holding his nose) Hi Jack! Even though this is like the 5th time you come handcuffed in CTU, I still have to give you the cheesy line: «I am sorry Jack, but I have to do my job»

Jack Bauer: I understand. I always do…

Bill Buchanan: I am sorry Jack, but I have to do my job.

Jack Bauer: No worries Bill. Do what you have to do…

Bill Buchanan: I will be honest with you Jack. In your condition you are a threat to everybody: CTU, the mission, Audrey, yourself and almost to Ahmed the Dead Terrorist. For the latter, we could use you as a weapon but I am afraid you will kill us all, before you even get close to him. So, I guess you leave me no choice…

Jack Bauer: Hit it Bill. You know there is nothing I can’t take.

Bill Buchanan: Save your words my old friend. This one is bad. Really bad! There is only one place in the world as cocky and as chaotic as you. Only one place where people fart more than you do. Only one place with more crazy motherf****rs than you could ever dream of. And this is exactly where you going. Jack you are being expelled to Greece!

Duncan: With all the traffic in LA, Jack needed the entire episode 3 to come back to CTU. So, Brad decided to skip that one in order to save some money… I know what you are thinking guys: «Even Hollywood can be cheap». I so hear you right now, but what can we do?

Random reader: I actually think that you skipped this one, because you are running out of ideas!

Duncan: I am what? Ok then… JACK!

Jack Bauer: Over here… Cleaning my gun… What’s wrong? You should better have a good excuse for this disturbance…

Duncan: «Our beloved god-like and next-door-hero, Jack Bauer, is on his regular manhunt of the Arabs (they are simply too many of them). This time, he’s after Ahmed the Dead Terrorist whose killing jokes were proved a serious threat to humanity…»

Somewhere in the backstage, shortly after Ahmed’s act

Jack Bauer: Ahmed, you have to trust me and surrender! It’s not your fault that you were born a Muslim. Nobody’s perfect buddy…

Ahmed: Silence, I kill you…

Jack Bauer: Not if I kill you first!

Ahmed: I am already dead you moron!

Jack Bauer: Damn it!

Jack’s dialling his phone…

Jack Bauer: Chloe, we ‘re gonna need a plan b…

————————————————————————————

Kiefer Sutherland: The following takes place between «not important pm» and «still not important pm»

Chloe: Are you kidding me? For 8 seasons now, I am just pushing random buttons and mumbling unexisting computer-science terms, waiting for the camera to get off of me!

Jack Bauer: What???

Chloe: C’mon Jack! Gimme a break! I mean, you have survived three nuclear strikes, you came back from the dead twice, you have recovered from at least a dozen gunshot wounds, you are 45 and you run like a 20-year-old boy and you still go to the missions without a helmet and a bullet-proof vest! So, lose the surprised look, already!

Jack Bauer: Whatever dude…

Chloe: I AM NOT A DUDE! Although, I have to admit that I look like one… Oh! Wait a sec! I think that the writer came up with a last minute back up plan! I am sending it to your PDA asap.

Jack Bauer: It was about ti… Damn it! (he means «Holy crap», but cursing is not allowed in prime time television) What is this smell? Oh my God! I can’t breath! I think the Arabs are trying to poison me. Damn you Ahmed!

Chloe: What smell Jack? I don’t see anything in the satellite! I am afraid that you will have to describe the smell, if you want me to help you.

Jack Bauer: Ca… Can’t… Talk… it’s… Ki… lling me…

Chloe: JACK! Don’t give up now! You can do this Jack. Just tell me what is it like…

Jack Bauer: Smells… Li… Like… Pe… pepe… roni…

Chloe: Peperoni! Got it… I am gonna run a database search, using a quantized algorithm, in order to find the cause of this toxic smell…

Jack Bauer: Hu…Hu… rry…

Chloe: Don’t be such a baby! We both know that you will survive in the end!

Jack Bauer: I know. I am just trying to be a little melodramatic here. I mean, after 8 years of returning the series you have to do everything in order to keep your audience interested. It’s tough to make a popular show these days. So… he… help… me… pl… please!

Chloe: I see… Oh! Wait a minute! I think I came up with something. Omg! You ‘re not gonna like this!

Jack Bauer: What… is… it…?

Chloe: Our flawless analysis indicates that the source of the smell is 100% natural… This means that… I don’t really know how to express this… So, let me ask you this way: Who cut the cheese Jack?

Jack Bauer: Damn… it… !…

Chloe: Jack?

Jack Bauer: Must… have… been… me…

Chloe: What? It can’t be. There must be some other reasonable explanation!

(Friendly notice: This one is just a filler episode. The real story starts at episode 2. So, for the sake of your mental health, you might as well skip the entire episode)

Season 8. Episode 1

Duncan: Due to unsolved reasons, FOX decided not to air this very first episode, of the best season, of the best TV series, of the best channel, of the best city, of the best state, of the best country in the world. But, don’t worry. There wasn’t really something new for you to see: The whole episode was about Ahmed the Dead Terrorist pissing Jack Bauer off, with some wet jokes of his. Or was it about Jack hating every single Arab in the world? Can’t really remember… Don’t matter though… You get the point:

(Short part from my illegal copy of the unaired Episode 1)

Jack Bauer: Must… Kill… Ahmed…

(End of the short part from my illegal copy of the unaired Episode 1)

Duncan: Rumour has it, that – after I got my illegal copy – the tape was confiscated and destroyed by Jack Bauer himself, because the make up artists, failed to make him look like he was 20 years younger. Needless to say, that the entire crew was fired, to be replaced by that of Benjamin Button’s.

Jack Bauer: What? That’s a terrible lie! How dare you Duncan? You son of a bitch! You are so dead right now…

Duncan: Cut the crap Jack. You can’t touch me. I’m the writer…

Jack Bauer: Just say your prayer you m**********r!

Duncan: Don’t mess with the writer Jack!

Jack Bauer: F*** Y**! Three… Two… One…

Duncan: Ok! You asked for it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Jack Bauer: Hi everyone! My name is Minty Jackie Bauer and in my spare time, I like to seduce handsome boys with those prissy pink lacy panties of mine! Also, Chuck Norris beats me at knitting…

Jack Bauer’s thoughts: WTF? Nobody beats me at anything!

Duncan: As I said… Never, ever, ever, mess with the writer again, Jack…

Jack Bauer: Damn it!

Duncan: Where was I? Oh yeah… No episode for you folks tonight! Capiche?