Tuesday, October 29, 2013

A Comprehensive Article About How To Remove And Install Your Valve Caps

Good morning!

Many years ago, where my mansion now stands, there were streams that ran through the once verdant hills and dales. These streams have long since been buried by the civil engineers, yet they still run, and indeed when it is quiet I can hear one of them trickling along beneath the pavement and underneath my manse. The stream, I have begun to suspect, is teeming with river sprites, and I think they may be visiting me in my sleep, because I have lots of weird dreams about naked canoeing, and when I wake up my bed is full of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups wrappers.

I'll keep you posted.

Speaking of hallucinations, this is not one:

The reader who spotted this did so at the so-called "Orchard Cross at Applecrest Farm," and you'll be pleased to know that representatives of PETA were waiting at the finish line, where they lovingly tranquilized the great beast with an organic sedative, loaded it into a giant crate, and returned it to its natural habitat.

By the way, the neck on that giraffe isn't UCI legal, as the rule book clearly states that the neck of an ungulate may be no longer than 1.8 meters.

Many speculated that the proprietary Assos "dick bag" was a practical joke, but indeed it is all too real, and a reader has actually forwarded me video of someone from the company presenting the "schlong satchel" with a straight face:

Actually, I'm not sure the guy in the video is the same guy from the Assos website, but it really doesn't matter, for once you've been spraypainted orange and donned the Bono glasses the Curse of the Flying Doucheman passes to you until you manage to foist it onto someone else.

Last Thursday (October 24th), Portlander Aaron Brown tweeted his interaction with the suspected thief: "sketch dude just tried to sell me this freak bike for $20. When I asked him about it, he freaked + jumped on the bus." Brown snapped a photo of the guy just before he climbed onto the #4 bus headed east on SE Division at 35th. That tweet and the bike in the photo caught the eye of Matthew Rogers, who recognized the bike from a photo I took that was featured here on the front page earlier this month.

And now I'd like to introduce a new feature here on this blog called "Great Warnings of History:"

April 18th, 1775: Paul Revere rides to Lexington shouting, "The British are coming, the British are coming!"

December 4th, 1941: A memo from the Office of Naval Intelligence warns, "In anticipation of possible open conflict with this country, Japan is vigorously utilizing every available agency to secure military, naval and commercial information, paying particular attention to the West Coast, the Panama Canal and the Territory of Hawaii."

By the way, they really have their own language out there, because I had to read "sketch dude just tried to sell me this freak bike" about five times before I knew what it meant. I mean, come on. "Sketch dude?" Who is that, superhero Portrait Man's sidekick?

I think comic books are stupid, but I would read the fuck out of one called The Adventures of Portrait Man.

In that photo, the same bike that appears in the photo with the alleged thief is being ridden by well-known local entertainer Dingo Dizmal (a.k.a. Dingo the Clown)...

Holy crap! Check out the Dionysian fruit pants on Dingo! Is that guy a satyr?

Nope. But he is friends with the bike's owner, Olive Rootbeer, with whom he frightens the shit out of entertains children at parties:

As it turns out, the bike belongs to Dingo's friend and partner Olive Rootbeer (both of whom appear in the latest Streetfilm video about Portland's 100th bike corral). Dingo and Olive make their living by telling stories to children's groups and going balloons at events like Sunday Parkways (here they are in action in 2011).

Sorry, but that is fucking horrifying. The only reason the kid isn't screaming is that she hasn't turned around yet. What is "going balloons?" anyway? There is no way I'd scare the shit out of my kid by having Dingo and Olive Rootbeer "going balloons" at his next party. I'll just stick with paying Banksy $1.5 million to do a kid-friendly art installation for us again, like we did last year:

Flamma was one of the most famous gladiators of Rome because he was awarded the rudis no less than four times but still chose to remain a gladiator. The gravestone of Flamma, in Sicily, details the following information:

Came to this article expecting information about valve caps. Sorely disappointed.

Do I need a special tool to remove my carbon valve caps? I've also heard that titanium valve caps will save me 0.1g and will last me a lifetime (you should see the welds too!). Can anyone confirm/deny?

Does the Assos Guy have some sort of transponder or amulet or something in his belly button? What the fuck IS that thing? Maybe a new GoPro Belly Button Mount?

"Going Balloons." We'll have that to kick around for a while, I think.

Smooches, Massive Floral Bouquet, and Badly-Welded-Chainring-Art-Trophy-With-Allegorical-Whatchamacallit to Babble! Canodianten Anthem playing in the background as Royal Beaver/Maple Syrup Flag flies gently in the breeze.

O Canodia! O Canodia!

Chapeau to JB and DB in the Silver and Bronze categories. Plastic flowers, no trophy, but some coupons to the over-salted hell that is a Chipotle burrito for you. Hey, it's better than invading Ass Monkeys!

Cycles Gladiator babe is smokin hot. Sure. But it is Recumbabe I want. Replacing Recumbabe with Cycles Gladiator Babe will mess with my long term experiment whereupon as I grow older Recumbabe gets hotter and hotter.

"A Comprehensive Comment About How To Remove And Install Your Valve Caps"

1. Insure that your bicycle is placed on a flat clean area preferably a paved surface. It may be necessary to support your bicycle by its kickstand or suitable workstand if available. Performing valve cap maintenance while under the influence of drugs or alcohol may result in injury. Always wear safety glasses when working around compressed air.

2. Locate the valve stem.Beginning at either the front or rear wheel of the bicycle locate the valve stem. It may be necessary to rotate the wheel slightly to gain access to the valve stem. If at first the wheel appears to not have a valve stem do not panic. continue to rotate until the valve becomes visible. It is often obscured by the chainstay or seatstay tubes in the rear or the fork legs in front.

3. Remove Valve Cap.Valve stems are configured in one of two ways. Department store and children's bicycles most often use larger diameter Schrader valves. Performance oriented bicylces such as road racing, touring and competition mountain bikes commonly employ narrower Presta valves. As far as the scope of this comment is concerned it should be noted that the operation of the valve cap is the same regardless of stem type. Valve caps may be colored plastic; most often black but other colors such as red, pink and gray may be encountered. Caps may be anodized aluminum or other metals even dice caps can be seen in a variety of colors. Again the shape, color or material of a valve cap makes no difference in its operation. The valve cap is located at the top of the valve stem closest to the hub.

Note: Commit this simple rhyme to memory so you can always be sure as to which direction to rotate a valve cap: "Lefty-Loosey Righty-Tighty"

Grasp the valve cap between the thumb and index finger and gently twist counter-clockwise to loosen. Continue to rotate the cap until it is removed from the stem.

At this point any stem or tire maintenance such as thread polishing, tube or tire change or inflation/ deflation can be carried out. Repeat the above procedure for the remaining wheel(s).

4. Install Valve Cap.

Note: If using Presta valves be sure thumbscrew is tightened down firmly against the end of the stem body. Failure to seat the thumbscrew fully can result in loss of air pressure and prevent the valve cap from fully engaging the threads of the stem body. Schrader valves are spring loaded and no additional steps are required for cap installation on these types of valves.

To install valve caps simply follow the procedure outlined in step 3 in reverse order. Again remember "Lefty-Loosey Righty-Tighty" and installation of your valve caps will be trouble free. Gently rotate the cap onto the valve stem and twist in a clockwise direction. Continue to turn the cap down until resistance is felt. Tighten the cap finger tight only. The soft plastic threads of the common valve cap can be easily stripped from excessive force. Metal valve caps may be tightened to higher torque values.

Greasing the threads is of course optional. If you are riding in unusually wet and or muddy areas and are worried about corrosion or contamination of the upper valve area grease may be used as a moisture barrier. Use a heavy weight grease such as boat trailer wheel bearing grease.

Locktite and Anti-Sneeze should probably be avoided in order to facilitate the removal of the valve caps for regular service.

Again, finger tight is sufficient. Some valve caps contain contain a rubber gasket that helps to hold the cap in the tightened position and also acts as a barrier to contamination.

RQ,I suppose, but I think the adjustment buckle might be a bit more uncomfortable than useful. Then again, she does seem to be happy enough.FTR, I don't have boobs of my own, just a some I get to play with now and then.

Like what you did there, but shouldn't we compare apples to apples? Or, in this case, Assos to Assos?

So confusing, are they supposed to ride one handed while holding their boobs? This is more befuddling than that blue liquid on the feminine hygiene commercials.. and they wonder why we don't understand wimmin. An anthology: Two-handed technique

I don't believe CJ is in Portland, I think he's in the greater Puget Sound metropolitan agglomerated census population designated administrative area. So much the better for the hot young chicks of Portland, although they still have to deal with clown bikes, artisanal shit all over the place, and the streets being closed arbitrarily because someone decided to film fucking GRIMM.

WIWM identifies as "straight" for propriety's sake. I suspect he falls somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey Scale, like most people.

“Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats…The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects."

I am jealous that women can experiment with their sexuality. Eat some muff in college= that's normal. You put ONE (1) DICK in your mouth, and you are a poofter the rest of your life.

The blog is still hilarious, but the comments have, on balance, drifted too far into the Sargasso Sea of tedium. Oh well - frees up some time for me to polish my valve threads and replace my brake noodles.

If only a robot existed that would pre-sort the comments to my taste. Life would suck just a tiny bit less.

Babs, seriously, when was the last time you added anything thought provoking or laughter inducing? And why is it that when someone simply notices how this comment section has gone to bang, you feel the need chime in?

Tilford kind of hates the idea of changing all his wheels over to Shimano's new road specific disc brakes. He didn't do it for his cross bikes yet either. He's not ridden them yet personally but feels they have to be better than rim braking on carbon rims.

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the leaves of Autumn."—John Muir

Back in the old days this comments section was chock full of spelling, Now it's just pissing and moaning about pissing and moaning. And women in bib shorts who can't afford jerseys. Sad what the recession has done.

And because the comments section isn't as funny as it used to be, back before I was pissing and moaning about the comments section. But that's why I didn't piss and moan about the comments section - because I didn't have to. Because it was funny. Back in the day.

...and the service is awful, the silverware is filthy, this always happens when celebrities own these things.

I was better when it was more of a Sausagefest for the locker room poop humor I excel at, and in the locker room vein, we would have beat the crap out of CJ. It is turning into a clam bake, maybe if we install some leather chairs, a fireplace, some scotch and light up Cuban cigars we can return to normality.

The Assos Bib Guy in the video is indeed the same one from the website. I determined this by taking precise measurements of the divot in the center of both men's sternums. This is how I chose to spend my time.

We pneumatic products manufacture several products, including solenoid valves,air control valves, piston air cylinder, Pneumatic Air Filter and some pneumatic accessories. Most of goods are exported to USA, Europe and Asia. And they are widely used on electronic, pharmaceutical, food processing, packaging, medical and automotive industries. Visit: www.xinyipneumatic.com

We pneumatic products manufacture several products, including solenoid valves,air control valves, piston air cylinder, Pneumatic Air Filter and some pneumatic accessories. Most of goods are exported to USA, Europe and Asia. And they are widely used on electronic, pharmaceutical, food processing, packaging, medical and automotive industries. Visit: www.xinyipneumatic.com

We pneumatic products manufacture several products, including solenoid valves,air control valves, piston air cylinder, Pneumatic Air Filter and some pneumatic accessories. Most of goods are exported to USA, Europe and Asia. And they are widely used on electronic, pharmaceutical, food processing, packaging, medical and automotive industries. Visit: www.xinyipneumatic.com

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!