Twenty Jokes

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

My wife and I were happy for twenty-five wonderful years.

Then we met.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

Did you know 2x10 is same as 2x11 ?

One is twenty and other is twenty too.

baby gained twenty pounds in a week

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. B: That's impossible. Whose baby? A: An elephant's.

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A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs...

Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.

Why did Michael Jackson love twenty six year olds?

Because there were twenty of them.

What's the worst thing about twenty eight year olds?

They all have to share a room at Jeffrey Epstein's apartment

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"Professo...

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

My friend told me that avengers endgame is twenty second film in the series.

It sure felt longer than that.

I was invited to an orgy full of twenty five year old girls.

Imagine my surprise when the police were waiting for me.

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

A pig walks into a bar, orders twenty beers, and starts chugging them all one by one.

“That’s impressive,” says the bartender. “Want to know where the bathroom is?”

The pig replies, “No thanks, pal. I’m just going to go wee wee wee all the way home.”

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on a floor

But only for like twenty seconds

For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my gran dies, now this?

I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms

And they’ll all be open 11-3 daily

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I paid a prostitute to pretend to be my wife for twenty minutes.

She argued with me for ten minutes and then I left her for a pack of cigs.

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-five year olds'?

Because there are 20 of them.

I guess you can adjust the tense since, well you know, he's dead and all.

Me and my girlfriend have been living a happy life for twenty years.

Then we met.

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A man is having sex with his wife.

He says "How about I cum in your ear baby?"

His wife replies "No way! I'll go deaf!"

He says "That would never happen. I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years and you never shut the fuck up."

A priest and a bishop were walking downtown...

...when a attractive hooker invitingly said to them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop?” They looked at each other quizzically, then said politely to the hooker, “No, thank you.”

They walked on and another lady of the night asked them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop? And again the...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

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A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level..

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes th...

Ya know my favorite thing about twenty nine year olds?

There's twenty of them.

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."

The man says "Well, you wo...

I remember the first twenty dollars I ever made

I got five years for it.

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

Two mexican children are learning how to count in english

The first one asks: "What was it that comes after twenty?

The second one absentmindedly replies: "What?"

To which the first one angrily responds: "Twenty, Juan!"

After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years.

But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

My grandfather stopped smoking twenty years ago today.

I'll never forget that house fire.

Joe was sentenced to prison for twenty years.

His first night at jail, after lights out, he heard someone say sixty\-one. All two hundred men in the cell block started laughing. Then someone hollered thirty\-nine. The two hundred men cracked up with laughter. Then someone yelled ninety\-six. Once again an uproar of laughter. So Joe asked hi...

I was twenty minutes late for my train this morning.

Just so it knows how I feel.

a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky".

He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

I'm going to open a 24hr Pho restaurant.

I'm going to call it Twenty Pho Seven.

Why did the twenty year old anti-vaxxer freak out?

She was having a midlife crisis

What's the difference between a lover, a hooker, and a wife after twenty years of marriage?

Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home.

Dick: That's what i call love.

Tom: The doctor called it paralysis.

What can be smelt and heard from twenty miles away?

My son playing Call of Duty

Two University of Chicago professors are walking down the street

One says “look, a twenty dollar bill!”

The other replies “no, if there was really a twenty dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up”.

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A young man goes up to his father and asks him, "Can i have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

Father replies, " i don't know, are you any good?"

The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

What's one moustache plus twenty moustaches?

A hell of a disguise.

Came up by my 6 year old daughter and wife.

Read this out loud to a friend:

If you have thirty cows, and twenty ate chickens, how many didn't?

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What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in ...

Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling...