A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him or her a few drinks first.

This woman was sitting in a bar and says to her friend "My boobs are too small. I want to get breast implants to make them bigger". The bartender heard her and said "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The woman asked the bartender "How do I do it without surgery?" The bartender replied "Just rub toilet paper between them." The woman looked at him all confused and asked "How does that make them bigger?". The bartender shrugged his shoulders and replied "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"