Can Being a Lawyer Turn You into a Vampire?

Well, of course it can and does so on a regular basis. But we’re not talking about the blood-thirsty vampire lawyers at Baker & McKenzie, Kirkland & Ellis, or DLA Piper. No one is debating their abilities to suck the coffers dry, to destroy lives, to grow hair in unusual places (you know, like bats) and to sleep in a coffin. (You think we’re kidding about this latter point, but a Bitter Lawyer staffer had a former boss with a coffin bed.)

No, we’re talking about Maria Jose Cristerna. In her home country of Mexico, she has been dubbed the “Vampire Woman.” She isn’t necessarily new news, but she is relevant to us: she’s apparently a former attorney. Although one source describes her past legal career as that of a legal assistant for a Mexican court. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. She appears to be a walking, talking manifestation of what many attorneys look like on the inside: titanium horn implants, fangs, tattoos covering 90% of her body, piercings galore, and a split tongue.

Okay, to be fair, one source has reported that the true reason for her unique body art is domestic abuse:

The 35-year-old, who claims to live a “normal” life, said a horrific history of domestic violence triggered her to reinvent herself into a “vampire” and tattoo nearly 100 percent of her body.

Nonetheless, I doubt any of the Big Law Vampires would want to meet Maria in a dark alley.