Monday, November 19, 2012

We Need The Taliban To Invade Staten Island

These storms aren't going to stop.

The next Irene or Sandy is going to hit us within a season or two, and it will paralyze the American Northeast. Some of our biggest, most important cities will go dark for weeks. Again. We all know this, don't we? And we also know that both houses of Congress will not feel the kind of shame they should, the kind of shame that comes from letting the world's last superpower transform into some Third World country that needs a benefit concert to get drinkable water.

Why don't our leaders drop every single fucking thing they are doing and upgrade the infrastructure in the economic center of America, so we don't look like we're waiting for a pity-visit from Bono?

Simple: There's no one to shoot here.

That's why we really need the Taliban. We need to fly them in with C-130s and give them some of that bribe money we throw around in parts of the world where we never really explain what we're doing to our own people. We need them to set up madrassas in Staten Island and Jersey City and enforce sharia law on Hoboken. We need to see footage of them burning churches and street fairs to the ground. We need to see Snooki in a burqa.

Then we'll finally do something. Because it's war, and our country - let's admit this - loves a good war. Republicans and Democrats will agree that we must act now, never mind the consequences. No one will want to look like a waffler, not when CNN's sending camera crews into the target area to get footage of the very first night attack. Someone's going to get a Pulitzer, and someone's going to make general, and maybe even launch a political career. CIA Special Activities Division teams will helicopter in to make power arrangements with city elders and local politicians. We'll hunt down enemy forces and implement a robust counterinsurgency program. We'll build roads and bridges, and upgrade the power grid so it doesn't shut down whenever a strong breeze blows through. People in New York City will finally get a decent public education. Parts of New York City, anyway.

We'll throw billions of dollars into the region and spend a decade trying to bring it into the 21st century, and we'll tell ourselves that we will let no obstacle stop us, because when we're done we will have proven that we have a superior government and way of life. We will tell ourselves we're going to become an example to the world.

Sexual fantasies, desperation...

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