PlanetFargo

Star Wars: Episode, Too

Fargo: shaithis, I find it difficult to write this week's column about Star Wars because I've spent the last year and a half purposefully covering my ears whenever I hear anything about the movie. "No Spoilers!" That's my motto.

shaithis: I know. You keep getting confused and yelling it with your fingers in your ears every time the Scooby Doo trailer comes on.

Fargo: Look, it pays to be cautious. I know nothing about Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. I'm as cut off as an OJ juror. All I know is that there will be clones. They will attack something. There will be stars and wars.

shaithis: There will be a light saber battle.

Fargo: I SAID NO SPOILERS!!

shaithis: Well then what are you going to write your column about?

Fargo: This week is all about handy helpful survival tips when our readers go to see the movie. Preferably in a digital theatre, so that it will look all the more like the upcoming video game. In fact, that's my first tip: save yourself $40 bucks by isolating which scenes in the movie will be made into a video game, then decide if you'd want to play it. To that end, I plan on bringing my Xbox controller with me. You know. Just to get the feel.

shaithis: If Jar Jar comes on the screen, you can always hit the "cancel" button.

Fargo: I haven't watched any spoilers, but I confess there are some things I really want to see. Well, besides a rumored Natalie Portman shower scene. For one thing, I hope they clone Obi Wan. Then we could have Obi Two, Obi Three, Obi Four...

Fargo: Of course to see the movie opening weekend, you'll probably have to wait in line. Take our advice, and while you're waiting in line with 5200 other crazed Star Wars fans, avoid the following phrases:

"I hope Spock's dad is in this one."

"This promises to be the best *Nsync movie yet!"

"But what I'm really curious about is how they'll handle animating Scooby Doo"

"I'm only here to see the About a Boy preview. Oh Hugh!"

shaithis: I personally like to go up to some kid dressed as Yoda and then I ask him if this is the line to see Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

Fargo: That's nothing! My favorite thing to do with hardcore Star Wars fans who are stuck next to you in line is to argue with them for hours. What I do is I keep insisting that Anakin and Amidala are brother and sister because they have the same children.

shaithis: .... what?

Fargo: After about an hour they just get so mad. Anyways, that's all for this week. Any other advice you'd like to add?

shaithis: Yeah, just one more thing. It's not kosher to giggle every time someone says "probe droid."