The mayhem archives

Just trying and trying to keep positive and to try and move on with my life , but it’s not been easy . Life has been finding it’s way into my dreams and destroying the only peace I have with nightmares of snakes and death and plague . I’m so tired but I don’t want to sleep because I can’t take the nightmares any more.

“Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet ; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street , and methodically knocking people’s hats off – then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.

I wanna be adored . Not loved . Not sexualized .Not enjoyed , but adored . There’s a sense of relief when you know that someone adores you , that someone believes that there is something more to you . To be adored is better than being sexualised because it’s proof that you’re not just something that can be in a bed but something that can give someone just that extra emotion .

You don’t deserve this . I know I don’t know you , but do I have to ? Patience is a virtue and I believe that with time great things will come , for you and your loved ones . Hard times will come and go but so will good times , and that’s what you need to hold onto . I see you and I see how you feel and I believe that you can do this , I really do .

Here we are , nearly at the end of the first month of the new year , with what to show for it ? We still live in a society where being a feminist automatically makes people think that we’re against men’s rights , where having the freedom to express your sexuality is still wrong in some people’s minds , where things like FGM and arranged marriages are not being dealt with the way they should be . We need to change , not only for us but for our kids and their kids and for every other future generation that sets foot on this earth . We need to clear the path of prejudice and racism , so that our children don’t have to .

I hate it here , I hate the bars on the window and the way the nurses watch you with their mechanical eyes . I hated how the cold hits your bare feet and shoulder blades when they search every inch of your body for that singular blade , which just moments ago you flushed down the toilet .

The amount of times that I pleaded for more medication , even after they just pumped the last of it out of my system , because overdosing on pills was the worst pain I had ever felt . I hated how even after the hospital food reached my stomach I still felt completely empty .

I hated the way my family looked at me, and how they treated me like I was some kind of fragile china doll who could break at any minute . I became so alienated

But mostly I hated the fact that even after the attempt was over the noise never seemed to stop . The shadows never seemed to stop following me . I hated the fact that turning corners was so terrifying .