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An entirely exaggerated, extremely belated Christmas newsletter, from us to you.

Dear friends and family,

Once again, our endearing words and more-than endearing faces failed to grace your mailboxes this year. This act of selfishness and forgetfulness most certainly produced tears of anger and sadness for you, I’m sure. Don’t the Merediths even understand the spirit of Christmas? Apparently we do not, but our laziness is not without excuse.

Theo (3) is currently in training for the junior national puddle jumping team. His natural-born ability to spot, stomp in, and annihilate nearly every puddle in the Pacific Northwest has not gone unnoticed, and we are so very proud of our little boy’s skills. We would like to thank Clorox Bleach for the recent sponsorship and promise to put the lifetime supply of cleaning products to use. His vocabulary is also off-the-charts, and includes finding words such as “mo-vehicle” and “sub-xileration.” We have not put a stop to his invented words, as he is currently playing Words With Friends on Mama’s phone and beating the hell out of all of her virtual opponents.

Canon (5) prefers to spend his time between table and field. Of the latter, we are happy to see him secure a spot for the 2020 Olympics as forward for the men’s soccer team. Watch out, Tokyo! Although he is only forty-two inches tall, his ability to drive a ball down the field before ducking under and dashing through the legs of his opponents has proven most advantageous against his vertically-enhanced opponents. Meanwhile, at home, we have created a beast – an Uno beast, that is. The complex, in-depth levels of strategy and uncanny ability to yell “UNO!” at the top of his lungs when the other players have only one card left can only be credited to eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus. Praise him.

Cara (old) likes to think that she spends her days using her words for good, but really, she spends most of her time wondering if she’s smarter than a three-year old (see above), realizing that her fourth grade soccer skills are only going to take her so far (see above), and trying to rid the upstairs bathroom of little boy-pee smell. She would also like the world to know that she successfully lasted a whole year in Seattle without growing any mold, moss or scales on her skin, which is a feat in and of itself.

James (older) continues to perfect his innate ability to provide utterly useful commentary about college football. The family looks forward to his upcoming contract with ESPN, as this will undoubtably allow Cara to focus on actually reading her stack of books instead of having to pretend that she likes football. In his spare time, James enjoys dancing to all the Step Up movies, and really, really hopes this contract will provide the extra funds for a full-time maid so he doesn’t have to do the dishes anymore.

So friends, even if we are more brilliant, more athletic and more Uno-inclined than you, we delight in your friendship – and sure hope you’ll keep us around.

Might you find joy, even in the midst of entirely exaggerated, extremely belated Christmas newsletters.