﻿﻿There are moments when I feel like no one truly loves me. This happens right? The scarier moments are when I think I DON'T TRULY LOVE ANYONE. It's not hate I feel... but complete apathy. Some may call this depression- because I don't care about the things I usually love. But no... this is some stage below depression but above suicidal ideation. (Hmmmm.. there should be a name for that. Or maybe not. We don't need more labels.) These moments are the scariest when I'm drawn to thinking of myself as a robot: I go through the motions, feel dull, and even worse- I'm prone to doing what people think is best for me, because I HAVE NO FIGHT LEFT.

And why is that important to me?﻿﻿

I have a fighting spirit. When this spirit is gone, not only do I feel like a heartless robot, I live that life. This robot life can last for a few hours or days. I don't have human discussions or contact. Like the Borg (Star Trek- yup!), I pretty much wait in stasis until I need to meet some human requirement, like peeing. (Do Borg pee?) So I need my fighting spirit because it lets me know that I am not only alive- but actually participating in life. I mean, I can't fight for my happiness (I'm not talking about a rally- more like going to the grocery store, playing with my kids, or signing up for classes) if my spirit is gone.

So what's the point of this ramble?

A few hours ago, I looked up, the sun blinded me and I said outloud to myself, "I love the sun!".