Drunken Carl Lewis Crashes Olympics

BEIJING—Former American track-and-field star and nine-time Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis, 47, showed up uninvited to the 2008 Olympic Games Thursday, reeking of booze and shouting in slurred, belligerent tones that everybody "had better watch out" because "Mr. Olympics is here, and this shit's about to get crazy." "Hey everybody, your old buddy Carl's back and he's ready to knock some—hey, where's the gimme the long jump. Long jump motherfuckers! I can jump longer than, than any of you, you goddamn punks, see these gold medals here? I got fuckin' fifty million gold medals right here," Lewis was overheard as saying while gesturing to his crotch. "I made the Olympics. I am the motherfucking, the Olympics. Get out of my way, college boys, let Carl goddamn Lewis show you how it's done." Lewis proceeded to light a cigarette on the Olympic torch, sprint toward the long-jump runway, trip over the platform, and fall face-first into the sand pit, where he lay motionless for two hours, his sobs eventually subsiding to a gentle snoring.