Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Some advice for Tiger, no charge

Yesterday, Tiger Woods signaled his return to the professional golf circuit as he announced his intention to compete in the Masters tournament in April. In the event that Mr. Woods hasn't considered how to deal with the media scrutiny in the coming months, I've outlined a few tips, a few nuggets of wisdom. Take them or leave them, Tiger:

1) Eat breakfast at your hotel and go straight to the golf links. Do not duck your head into the nearest Perkins restaurant for a smidge of somethin' somethin'.

2) You're now the new and improved Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. It no longer should matter whether or not your driver is longer than everyone else's.

3) When addressing the media, try to avoid the phrase, "I had a nice lie on the 15th green."

4) It's understandable why Nike has kept you as an endorser. After all, why should they care if you "just do it?" However, it seems surprising that Gatorade has dropped your services, when their slogan is, "Is it in you?"

5) Remember, if someone asks you about "playing Augusta," they are not referring to a Denny's cocktail waitress.

6) I know you've recently completed treatment for sex addiction, and things are still a little bit raw, emotionally. Just be confident that if you're lucky enough to win the Masters and don the green jacket, this will not affect you like the green M&Ms did.

7) You will be faced with countless distractions while pacing the fairways, so remember, as you line up that shot, just relax and think about baseball.

8) Think about giving a little shout-out to your good friend, Charles Barkley, whose counsel you sought out during your darkest moments. Who among us hasn't thought "What would Charles do?" as we prepared to wager our mortgages on pair of jacks.

9) If you do decide to start your life over with a new outlook, remember, when you're married and are the father of two young children, life is not the sexual equivalent of the Olive Garden Bottomless Pasta Bowl.