Friday, August 09, 2013

I was sitting with friends yesterday and mentioned someone who is local to me that lost her baby. My friends started talking about how people shouldn't milk it out, try to make other people feel bad, and post photos of their "dead babies". All while knowing that I'm a loss mom. It just goes to show that we still have so much work to do to enlighten people. I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through a loss to understand our pain, but I definitely want to see bigger improvements in acceptance. In the several years that I've been working in the bereavement field I have seen great improvements in awareness, acceptation, and inclusion, but we still have a long way to go.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about meAnd I enjoy an accolade like the restYou could take my picture and hang it in a galleryOf all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the bestAt such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lightsWe all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besidesThe temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacyHow will they remember me?Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enoughTo make a mark on things?I want to leave an offeringA child of mercy and grace whoblessed your name unapologeticallyAnd leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhileTo make a lengthly list of all that I enjoyIt's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pileWhere moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bredJust want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful oneNichole Nordeman - Legacy

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

It's 9am and I'm exhausted. I had nightmares all night and kept waking up. My kidneys have been giving me problems for several months now and sometimes I wonder if maybe this is it. Maybe I just won't get any better this time. Maybe I'll stay like this, then get worse, and then go home to be with those I've lost. About a month ago Gary had to make a new hole in my belt because I'd dropped so much weight that it wouldn't fit on the smallest hole. Then about 2-3 weeks ago he had to make another smaller hole. Then again about 1-2 weeks ago he had to make me yet another smaller hole. Now my belt is about 4 inches too big and there isn't enough room on it to make a smaller hole (it's studded so the studs are in the way). I'm at that point where I've lost so much weight so quickly that the red flag is waving. I try to eat but I take just a few bites and I cannot eat anymore. I feel so sick. If I try to push myself to eat more I feel extremely sick. When my kidneys act up it makes me nauseated. They gave me nausea meds but it's hard to even get that down. People ask me what is wrong with my kidneys and I don't know what to say. I've never been able to go to a urologist. I've been referred so many times but then something always happens and something else gets put before my need to go. My old OBGYN told me that my urethra is too short and that bacteria doesn't have as far to travel to get into places it shouldn't. He had me on a daily antibiotic as a preventative and it worked pretty good. Then he retired and I moved away. I haven't been able to get another OBGYN to put me back on it. They just say that I need to go to a urologist instead. I had another doctor tell me (a random at the ER) that it's likely that there is a deformity in one or both kidneys and that is the cause of my chronic issues. He said my history points towards that. I've had these issues longer than I can remember. I'm in pain all the time lately. I try not to complain and try to just deal with it, but I'm in so much pain. I'm so afraid to die. I think about it nonstop and it's the reason I cannot sleep at night. Then I think how stupid for a grown women to be so afraid of something unavoidable. I feel like I have nobody to talk to and nobody who cares about what I am going through. I never get to go to the doctor. Everyone else goes except for me as if my health doesn't matter. I'm always the one giving the support. Nobody takes the time to think that maybe I could use a little support too. I ask for prayers and get slapped around... so I stopped asking. I wish I didn't feel so alone all the time. I feel like I'm surrounded by thousands of people but they do not see I'm there until they need something. Time to get back to working on orders. I'm hoping to ship tomorrow if not Friday.

I promised myself I'd get back to blogging but I've been working a lot.First I'd like to say this...

Blogging is important to me, even though I'm pretty sure nobody actually reads my blog, because something is wrong with my memory. I don't really know what it is. I know that I've always had trouble with short term memory loss and when I asked my old doctor about it he attributed it to the years of abuse I went through as a child. He said he was possible I may actually have damage to my brain that was causing the short term memory loss. Lately I feel like it's long term too. I sit and try to remember details about things that are special or important to me... but I can't. Things about loved one who are gone and even things about my own children. It doesn't help that when my computer crashed I lost every single photo I've ever taken of my children. I've always known to back them up and I never did. I talked to someone who isn't my doctor but someone who is in the medical field who told me the new longer term memory loss may be a result of my abusive relationship I got out of about two years ago. I've never really talked much about the abuse I went through. I remember that one time he rushed me while I was sitting in a wooden kitchen chair, working on orders for my baby boutique, and he choked me. He bent my next back over the chair back and chocked me until I couldn't see. It seems the things I can clearly remember are traumatic things like that. It's possible the abuse caused further brain damage (assuming there really is some from the abuse I received as a child) or that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder induced by the abuse and my losses combined. Whatever it is, my memories are sleeping away and it's scary. Gary has to help me a lot because I will sit something down and not be able to find it. I know a lot of people who joke about doing that, but it's not the same. I can set down my phone on the table, immediately turn around, and immediately forget. Then panic. Anyways, blogging is really important for me because one day I might not be able to remember anything. Some things I do not really want to remember so I try to leave them out of my blogs. I definitely want to remember all the good and important things. Things about my family, my children, my angels.

Monday, July 01, 2013

Soooo, the ER went quick and easy will Lily. Much to my extreme disappointment she has lost weight. I seriously cried because I have been working so hard to fatten her up and make sure that she is a nice healthy weight since she is borderline for being in the risk zone weight wise. She had to have xrays of her abdomen to make sure there wasn't an underlying problem that we couldn't see.

Needless to say she didn't really love being held down. Thankfully it showed no internal problems! The doctors concluded that they think Lily is just constipated even though a rectal exam didn't show that she had any blockage and that the stool was nice and soft instead of firm (like it should be). They ended up discharging her and telling us just to get some over the counter suppositories (poor baby), but so far she is still screaming constantly like she is in pain. I had someone tell me condescendingly that babies cry. Lily is my 4th child and our 7th child overall. We know that babies cry! The issue is when a normally happy baby who hardly ever cries changes overnight. I also know the different from a pain cry and any other cry. A pain cry is so much different from other baby cries. Anyway, we are praying that she gets back to normal soon. We will be following up with her pediatrician if she does not improve to see what further steps we can take. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they didn't find anything life threatening or anything majorly wrong, but when your baby spends the entire night screaming in pain and the following morning doing the same, refusing to eat, and no matter what you do you simply cannot console her... it's a scary place. Especially after going through loss.

Since the hospital was speedy in getting Lily back and then discharging her, we were able to still make it to church after all. As a bonus my niece Grace was there and I got in some extra cuddles, kisses, and hugs before she was taken away to the nursery. The choir did an AMAZING job and I cried during Chey's solo (not that that is surprising) so I am glad it worked out for us to go!

I found my peace listening to these Earth angels singing!bottow row far left is oldest step-daughter Cheyenne, bottom row far right is my MIL Sue, and top row far right is my step-son Michael. So so proud of them! They did amazing!

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Gary and I will be missing church tonight and won't get to see Chey's solo...

Something is wrong with Lily and we are going to have to find a way to take her to the hospital. For the past 3 days she has been screaming almost nonstop while awake and refusing to eat much. You can tell that she is in pain and it breaks my heart. Please Lord protect our rainbow baby and help us find a way to take her to the hospital to be seen. This is why we need a working car. :(

I'm missing that constant smile.

We keep praying for things to get better but it seems like almost everyday something else happens. To add salt to the wound I get attacked from people who claim I'm just making it all up. If only! It's been nonstop hardship after hardship for months now. Please Lord we deserve a break! I've been told God is testing my Faith. I have Faith. If you are going to test me that's fine but why torture my children?

Saturday, June 29, 2013

My sweet little rainbow is growing up on my WAY too quickly. At about 12:30am this morning Lily started CRAWLING! The a few minutes later I was cuddling her and she couldn't move. She started pushing at me with tiny hands and demanded, "STOP!!!" Then at about 11:00am this morning she starts holding her bottle on her own. Too much too fast little sweetheart, please slow down!

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Is it really Saturday already? The work week blew by me as usual.
Tomorrow night, my step-daughter, Cheyenne has a solo at church at the cantata (she sings in the choir). My mother in law is coming to pick us up tomorrow at morning service to have lunch with the family and then to go to church for the Independence Day Cantata. I'm so happy that we get to go and be there to support her. I was worried that we would not get to go since the car gave out on us a couple of weeks ago. Gary was actually on the way to the post office for me when the water pump blew. The week before a hose went out and we broke down on the interstate with Lily in the car which was terrifying and made me feel like a loser parent. So, we caved and sent it to a mechanic even though we couldn't afford it and the mechanic said it just isn't worth fixing and that our best bet is to junk it (how's that for an epicly long run on sentence). Anyway, I sobbed like a baby through her last solo because she sung so beautifully and I am so proud of how far she has gone. She may not be my "real" daughter but there is nothing unreal about the motherly love I feel for her. My step-son Michael and my mother in law also sing in the choir. Gary and I had planned on joining as well as soon as Lily was old enough for me to feel comfortable being watched by someone else but now without a vehicle it is impossible. I know if it is in God's plan for us to do it that it will work itself out though.

Friday, June 28, 2013

It's hard to believe it is almost July. My life is typically this big blur because I always have so much on my plate and I'm always so busy that I hardly take time to remember to breathe.

September is creeping closer. That means Scarlette's birthday is creeping closer too and that life is holding true to it's promise of never letting me forget what I had and what I lost... so quickly. September 16th, she would be 2 years old. It's so hard to picture. She'd be walking, talking, and potty training. She'd be able to say my name. Smiling, laughing, and being mischievous. I never got to see her smile or hear the sound of her voice other than when she cried. She never even learned to let out a baby coo or babble before she was stolen away so suddenly. September 18th brings my birthday and the anniversary of the day she came home from the hospital. My birthdays will never be the same. Ever. I'll never forget sitting in my father in law's office chair hardly able to sit still waiting for them to bring her into me. I was the first to hold her when she came home. I didn't think I'd ever let go... if I knew I'd be saying goodbye forever I'm not sure I would have. I loved her so much and still do.

October 15th also creeps closer. I'll never forget that day either. I'll never forget hearing my mother in law screaming hysterically begging to Jesus to let her live. I'll never forget being stuck at home with all of the children waiting instead of being there at the hospital where I belonged. I'll never forget the phone ring, or how Gary and my brother in law rushed outside so I couldn't hear. I'll never forget the way they walked backed in slowly and silently. I looked at Gary and knew the truth but looked to J who simply uttered, "She's gone." I won't remember anything after that though because from that point on it's a blur. I know I heard pain filled screaming and that it took me a minute to realize it was coming from me. I know that J tried to console me and that I fought him off screaming. I know that the men ran around quickly hiding all of her things which only added to the trauma. I remember my in-laws coming home and the pain on my mother in law's face as we both sobbed. I remember feeling cheated and jaded. I don't remember eating, sleeping, or taking care of my children. I'm honestly not sure I even did. I remember her funeral. I remember watching my oldest step-daughter breaking down, then my oldest son, and then my step-son. I remember calling my step-son Michael over to me because I could see the panic sinking in and the fear of the reality we were being faced with. I remember that when it ended I didn't want to go. I felt like I was wronging her. How could I leave a baby in the cold? My beautiful blue eyed girl? It was raining. It was cold. You cannot leave a baby in the rain or in the cold. I also remember, all too well, that the two men from the funeral home were standing next to her tiny white casket throwing their heads back laughing and joking. How could they stand there and do that? They obviously didn't care about the loss of this baby, the loss of this child who I loved so much. I still cannot find the words to describe how ironic it to me that she died on October 15th. I plan for October 15th all year long because I host a big awareness event each year for bereaved families. God chose October 15th of all days to take Scarlette? Why? Is that some kind of a joke? I don't understand and I never will.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Ladybugs. After we had our rainbow baby Lily we kept finding ladybugs in our post delivery room. I know it was my little angels letting me know they were there with me and coming to greet their new little sister. You have to think... we are on like the 10th floor (or something like that) with no opening windows or outside doors. How could several ladybugs made there way into our room? There is no over abundance of ladybugs where we live. In fact, it's rare that I see them at all.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

So my anxiety has been super bad today. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off! I didn't sleep well and kept getting up to check on the kids. Sometimes I wish I could just have a single nights sleep like a normal person without my mind trailing off to a million and one dark places.

On a lighter note, I'm pretty much loving this new warmer! Forget-Me-Nots always make me think of my precious angels! So I cannot wait to add this to my collection of things for them!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

So much has happened! I cannot believe it's March!Lily ended up coming early on November 26th, the day after we moved!It's hard to believe she is now 3 months old!I'm going to try to get back into blogging again. :)

About Me

I am the mother of 4 from the womb and 3 from the heart. I am also the mother to 5 sweet angel who were too precious for this Earth. I work hard to promote Pregnancy, Infant, and Child Loss Awareness (PICLA). I hope to put an end to PICLA being such a taboo topic. I also am the owner of the I Am A Mother To An Angel awareness and keepsake store which makes special things available for families who have experienced loss. I am also the founder of several support groups and support pages on Facebook.