Old Man Rich

Welcome to the strangely normal world of Old Man Rich

Friday, September 29, 2006

These boots were made..

The west highland way starts just outside Glasgow and ends about 100 miles north in Fort William. So I packed a second pair of socks & my baby bro & I started walking. In a leisurley 7 days (the big boys do it in 5. The record is 16 hours) we strolled through the trossacks and western highlands. Lords of the moors. Masters of the Glens. Now I have to confess, no camping & carring rucksacks for us. We left that malarky to the hard girls. No we were B&B, ensuite bathrooms & cooked breakfasts and luggage ferried door to door. The weather, in something of a record for Scotland, was perfect. It only rained one day & that was a mere 9 mile jaunt so we were in the pub by 1. The rest was grand scenery, rolling moors, hills, lochs, and friendly girls. It was fine, it was dandy.

Well, mostly. Despite it being a well posted trail we did get lost. twice. in the first mile and a half. After day one we had a new rule. No more than 2 pints in the pub lunchtime. I did threaten to throw my bro's mobile into the loch if it went off just once more. There was an occasion when two pages of the guide book were stuck together & we discovered an unexpected mountain between ourselves and the B&B. My knee may never be right again. Some of the B&B owners were straight out of Royston Vasey, and one ensuite was in a wardrobe and clearly not designed for the more rotund figure. I failed to climb the stairs at the kingshouse hotel. My brother failed to find the bathroom. I somehow locked my camera on day 2. The beer was, on the whole, keg. And frankly piss. I very nearly didnt drink lots. I actually pulled my neck muscle reaching for a beer. And every day, no matter how long or short the walk, the last mile was a bastard.

The end, outside a going shop on a busy roundabout in Fort William was something of an anticlimax. But on the whole it was great. Better than great. And now, a week later, if I sit very still I almost stop hurting. So will I do it again? Nope. Bugger that. But if I did we need to get a couple of 'wer'e not gay, we're brothers' T-shirts printed up.

Circus folk

So the lovely DHG came to the Crown on Wednesday. And he bought some of his showbiz buddies. Now I have met Dan before & he’s a tall bloke. But on Wednesday he was a giant. frighteningly so. Possibly because he was standing next to a dancing midget. Who was a bit camp in the way that Hitler was a bit racist. And a couple of attractive girls of dubious sexual preference who were, as Alice might say, ‘passing strange’ completed his entourage. I, on the other hand, was accompanied by the usual collection of Steve’s. And a certain amount of drinking took place. And the gay dancer turned out to be truly offensive. It was a joy. See, Wednesday the acoustic club meet in the back room of the crown to torture selected instruments and sing ‘leaving on a jet plane’ endlessly. And periodically we shout abuse at them and threaten to perform minor, but very intrusive, surgery on the penny whistle player. Its not open hostility, more of an uneasy detent. But on Wednesday we sent in the unpleasant runt. Suffice to say, Kiki finally had to ask him to leave. And then let him back in, in order to save him from a beating from the irate (and large) pizzeria boys next door. Fuller failed to organise a threesome with the two passing strange ladies and we all staggered off, well past my bed time and drunker than a whole bucket of skunks.

And what are DHG and Co in the delightful town of Telford for. Why, working with primary school children. Hmm.

Anyway, last night we gathered in the Crown again. And, as occasionally happens, it had all the atmosphere of a morgue. Still, we awaited the cabaret with a certain anticipation. But Dan, now shrunk back to human size, was unaccompanied. Ah well, you can have too much of a good thing.

Monday, September 25, 2006

**!!@***

Spent half the weekend trying to upload photo's into my blog. And damned blogger keeps telling me its done it & giving me a big DONE button to click. And when I do - no sodding pictures. Its a damn good job its free. pile of shite.And whilst I'm moaning...Knee is bad stll.My job sucks.The bathroom has not progressed.The garden is knee deep in weeds.I lost my door keys last night.Darfur? they've got it easy I tell you...

Monday, September 18, 2006

here's Richi

Hi. I'm Back.The walk was good (apart from the left knee) and I will blog at huge and boring lenghth about it soon.Meanwhile...DHG - will be in the party palace that is the Crown on wednesday from about 7.30 and Friday from, oooh, 5.30 ish. Hope to have your babies.

And tonight, tonight was Kiki's (gay barman extrodinaire)50th. Now kiki is a good mate. Kiki I love dearly. But Kiki in drag is like Kevin Kegan with too many pies. Scary. Very Very Scary.

So I'm sitting with, amongst others, Jules & Lou, both of whome I quietly lust after, and Walt leaves me with his eight zillion quid camera. So, obviously, I suggest that the girls could make an old man very happy by kissing. And, bless them (and bless alcoholic excess) they do. And I press the wrong button on Walts Camera. Damn, Damn, Damn!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Healthy Snacking, suitable for imbeciles

They have just added this fun product to our vending machine at work. Now firstly, I question the sense of using the slogan 'you are what you eat' on something called 'nothing but nuts'. But more importantly, I object to the rear of the packet giving the allergy information 'contains nuts'. If your too dumb to realise that something called 'Nothing but nuts' contains nuts then quite frankly you deserve to die. Do the world a favor and just get out of the gene pool you allergy ridden moron. It also has the wise words 'Please remember that small children can choke on nuts'. Well doh. Small children can choke on their own snot. Anything that is bigger than a liquidized pea can choke a child. Why not also point out that sticking nuts in your eyes may impair your vision? Or that nuts are not a reliable form of contraception? Or that voting for a smug, self rightous, over-pious, warmongering lying twat may be harmful to your country?