Aligning itself yet again with inexorable fate and manifest destiny, Brussels has decided that the EU now requires European Linguistics Union (ELU). Practicalities dictate that the single European language must be English, though the approved version will of course be Euro-English rather than the backward, insular and inward-looking variety we're used to. The transformation is planned to occur in stages.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'....sertainly this will make the sivil servis jump with joy. The hard 'c' will then be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful and they should go away. By the fourth yar, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z', and 'w' with 'v'.