Tuesday, May 2, 2017

"Stars are the scars of the universe."

Change: to make the form, nature, content, future content, etc. of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone. That's what this whole post is about, change--a change in self, change in content of this blog, and change to how the world perceives me. A big one is coming for me next week and it will be with me the rest of my life. Most importantly, this change is symbolic of hope. In a way, this change itself is hope. It's a choice to remind myself to choose hope, that I have options and there is something beautiful within my core that I can share with the world. And instead of hiding it away, I'm choosing to literally wear it on my sleeve.

I'm getting a new tattoo. It isn't some flash art on my shoulder or a random image. This tattoo will not just be part of my skin, it's going to be part of my soul and I'm displaying it on my left wrist. It's likely obvious now that there is some symbolism to be discussed with my decision and its placement. So, now, I'll share my greatest victories and most shameful defeats--all rolled up into one tightly wound package.

I have not shared my experience with self-harm on quite such a public platform before. I've only shared it briefly with a small handful of closely trusted individuals. I have, however, worked with multiple therapists over the last decade who have helped me to process my feelings in a healthier way. For me, it's like an addiction. The urge is often there, even if the action isn't followed through. I have to be careful about what situations I put myself into which might trigger these urges: such as drinking or not taking my medications (which also ties into relapses of my eating disorder, but that's a whole different post for another time).

Please know that I'm sharing this, not for attention, but for solidarity. Suicidal ideation and self-mutilation are commonly experienced, but rarely discussed. I've overcome my addiction, but it's always with me. I have burn scars on the inside of my left wrist. After next week, there will be no evidence, but instead, a beautiful reminder of how hard I've worked and that the elegance of the whole universe is within me, ready to spill out.

The design is the outline of a raven superimposed on a nebula. Ravens are intelligent, dark creatures who often mimic in their surroundings and represent rebirth and wisdom in some cultures. I've always felt connected to these amazing birds, so to have the vastness and allure of outer space inside of what is essentially me gives me great hope. It will be a perfect reminder that I've chosen to share my grace and style, that I've absorbed the pain for the last time and transformed it into art.

Here are some images that I brought to my artist to help give a sense of what my design should encompass: