Tuesday, May 21, 2013

"Chaque Un...Etc."

Did you ever have the experience of browsing through the
inventory at a clothing store and saying, “Why would anybody buy this shirt?”

There is a good chance, if you loiter in that clothing store
long enough, somebody will spot that same shirt and light up like the Vegas
“strip” at sundown.For them, that
sartorial mutant is exactly what they’ve been looking for.

This, at least, is the hope of the clothing store proprietor,
who, lacking unlimited shelf space, must have somehow determined – while
perhaps shaking their heads in skeptical disbelief – that there was a market
out there for that haberdashorial mistake.If only as an “impulse purchase” that would ultimately be consigned,
possibly unworn, to the Helping Hands For
The Blind “give-way pile.”

These thoughts come to mind at the semi-annual arrival in
the paper of the listing of upcoming movies, in its eponymizing “Summer Movies
Sneaks” feature.

(The “Summer Movie” distinction is now arguably an
anachronism.See:the New
Yorker cartoon showing a warmly-dressed middle-aged couple exiting the
theater, and one of them says to the other, “Remember when ‘Summer Movies’ were
only in the summer?”)

I was drawn to write about this
explosion of (by my count, 163) cinematic offerings. But I was not certain what
approach I should take. (File this – if
you’re filing – under “The Inner Workings Of A Writer’s Mind.”)

My first impulse was self-mockery –
my standard go-to position – accompanied by the ever-popular “helpless
undertone.”Re: the 163 preview
glimpses:“Why didn’t I think of that idea?”Offered not
with a lampooning irony, but rather, showcasing my congenital uncommerciality.Okay, maybe with a little lampooning irony.

But today, my heart just wasn’t in
it.You can only deride yourself so
often before you feel like a schmuck.(A
fool, but with anatomical connotations.)So, no.Self-mockery, at least on
this occasion, will take a seat on the bench.(Though it may possibly appear as a pinch-hitter.)

My second thought was to wonder – based, admittedly, only on these
thumbnail summaries, but still – how exactly these movies that are arriving
this summer ever got off the ground.

Imagine the studio executive whose
job it is determine which pictures to “green light” into production, responding
to – picking titles at random – these pitches:

In a World…

A
struggling vocal coach musters the courage to pursue her secret dream of being
a voice-over star.

STUDIO
EXECUTIVE:Not an acting coach
mustering the courage to purse their dream of being a movie star, but a vocal coach pursing their dream of being a voice-over star.

IDEA
PITCHER:Exactly.

STUDIO
EXECUTIVE:Let’s do it!

Prince Avalanche

Two
men painting traffic lines on a desolate country highway that’s been ravaged by
wildfire forge an unlikely friendship while bickering and joking.

STUDIO
EXECUTIVE:Lemme see if I’ve got
this.They’re painting traffic lines on
the highway, and they’re bickering and joking.That’s the movie.

IDEA
PITCHER:Exactly.

STUDIO
EXECUTIVE:I wish all my decisions were this easy.We’re in for forty million.

And leave us not forget…

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

A
Chicago advertising executive awakes from a coma able to speak only in slogans.

STUDIO
EXECUTIVE:For two hours?

IDEA PITCHER: Exactly.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE:I love it!I can already see the sequel.They wake up from a coma able to communicate only in theme songs from
situation comedies.Doctor:“The patient is lucid!”Patient:(SINGING)“I love lucid, and she
loves me.”

Sour Grapes Alert:It is easy – and not particularly attractive
– to make fun of movies that got sold and made and exhibited when none of those
things came close toever happening to any of my movies, all of which, I feel
compelled to add, though I acknowledge a personal bias in the matter, had more
going for them than two guys painting stripes on the highway.(“It’s all in the telling, Earlo.”Okay, but
still!)

There is a good chance that we will
not be attending either of the forementioned movies.But that’s another approach I was reluctant to take – writing about movies we
will not be attending, some simply because of their titles:

It been done to death that they
don’t make movies for people my age.Or
thirty years younger even.What else is
there to say about it?“Stop doing that”?They won’t.

What approach then is left?

You say what you’re not going to do
while simultaneously doing it, topping
it off with an old-fashioned happy ending.Such as this one.

After scouring the hundred and sixty-three
offerings, I found four that sounded promising:

Desperate Acts of Magic – An
aspiring professional magician and an accomplished street performer work out
their complicated relationship over the course of an international magic
competition.(One of us particularly
enjoys magic; the other is happy to go along.)

Old Dog–The
sale of a valuable dog causes strife within a family of Tibetan herders.(We’ve had success with Tibetan movies on the
past.Wait!Or were they Manchurian movies?I can’t remember.)

History of Future Folk –Sent to Earth to plan for a future invasion,
a space alien decides to become a bluegrass musician. (There’s the possibility this one is not be as
good as it sounds.Still, how bad can it
be?We like bluegrass.)

One Mile Above – A Chinese man faces adversity as he tries to
ride his bicycle to the highest point in Tibet to honor his dead brother.(I am extremely hopeful here.What are the chances of two Tibetan movies both being no good?)

There you have it. Four “possibles” out of a hundred and
sixty-three.

As my friend Pedro who has fourteen
children used to say when I told him I had two: