“You’re such a hypocrite,” my friend says. “You pushed bottled water on me when I ate at your restaurant.”

“Of course I did.”

“Trying to take me for a few bucks?”

“I needed to inflate the check. I know what a great tipper you are.”

“Blow me.”

A few minutes later the waitress returns with our drinks. I order the tuna. My friend orders salmon. When I ask for a wine recommendation the waitress suggests a moderately priced Sauvignon Blanc. I order a South African bottle that’s $20 more and infinitely better.