Dark passion filled King Baby’s eyes as he stared into the arena. Below him, Lady Mummy Badger fought the lions with singular vim and determination...but she was flagging. Surely she would never again make the mistake of denying him Paw Patrol. #behaviouralcorrection#bloodsports

It’s every parent’s nightmare - you only nip away for a moment, and when you look back, your baby has set up an impromptu gladiatorial arena and thrown your wife in! Don’t worry, with these top tips it will soon be a situation you handle with ease, to the envy of other dads!

Don’t get angry. Your baby is already in a highly excited state. Extra conflict is only going to make things worse. Perhaps start by gently suggesting you replace the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen) with something less hostile, like a stoat or a marginally agitated hamster.

When in Rome…However upset your baby seems in the moment, remember that they will harbour strong protective feelings towards their mother. Sometimes, if you start cheering on the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen) it can paradoxically provoke your baby into taking the opposite position. Consider keeping a supply of tridents to hurl into the arena yourself should a situation like this develop. You’ll be amazed by how often they come in handy!

Offer to take your wife’s place. Babies are generally very reasonable creatures, and are often touched by shows of courage. By offering yourself up for slaughter by the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen) you may well soften their heart enough to let you off with a light mauling. And think how good it will feel to be ‘the interesting one’ at work on Monday, when the water-cooler chat is all about the cool new scars you have!

Simply let nature take its course. Babies are highly intuitive creatures, and if they’ve decided bloody arena combat is in everyone’s best interests, it may be worth considering that they could be right. This has the additional bonus that if your wife does fend off the lions (or whatever deadly beast your baby has chosen), then you can point out how you have supported her ongoing self-actualisation without intervening. And no mansplaining! She probably knows how to use a javelin better than you, anyway!

When all’s said and done, babies learn by exploring their environments and testing the world in novel ways. Much better to be supportive of this process than to cling to a prescriptive list of ‘do’s’ and ‘don’t’s’. There is much to be learnt from bloody arena combat, probably for the whole family. So try and enjoy it!