Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Bombing Speech (satire)

Friends, I have great news: I decided, oops, I mean my
obedient and servile followers and I decided that we would join the big
coalition of bombers now bombing and bombing and bombing. This bombing by us
has plenty of previous experience. Most of you must remember that we bombed Libya and the
cost to taxpayers was “nearly $350 million.” We were in coalition with NATO,
and bombed this country non stop for months; it turns out we helped rebels that
turned out to be terrorists called Al-Qaeda. [1] Libya
is now in chaos, thanks to our humanitarian intervention to bring democracy in
an “illegal” war.[1a] Oh well, one cannot win them all. And anyway I did have a
flypast to celebrate this valiant victory. Though one former ambassador called
this victory, “a pyrrhic one which paved the way for the civil war that
followed....”

The countries we are going to bomb now are Iraq again and possibly Syria. They are already in chaos after our great
allies decided to invade them some time ago. So you see there is no problem as
chaos and carnage is constant in these places now, and destruction and death is
an every day occurrence, thanks to the work of our allies. Anyway, our allies
have kindly asked for us to take part in their bombing coalition, and I of
course jumped at the chance to be a part of this new war. It has been reported
by numerous alternative media and a couple of newspapers in the U.K. that some
of our allies are financing, arming and supporting the ISIL/ISIS enemy.
Thankfully our corporate media in our country has mostly suppressed this
information and supported my stand on joining the bombing coalition. That’s
what I call patriotic journalism at its finest instead of propaganda. [A burst
of applause ensues from the assembled sycophants and bootlickers. The speaker
continues.]

Anyway, another great leader has said, “this war could last
for years” and that is truly great news for some. Just think all those great
free enterprise corporations now making massive profits from the war industry,
oops, I mean the defence industry, they will now be assured of even more bloody
profits as long as we continue to bomb, and bomb and bomb. The reason for all
this bombing is because this enemy is barbaric and does public beheadings of
innocent hostages. One of our allies that was funding the enemy also does
public beheadings, so what is the difference? The difference is we cannot have
terrorists doing these atrocities. Our beheading ally is a dictatorship to
which many in our coalition, including our country, sells arms too. Therefore
they are good for business and their beheadings are ignored.

Still, one cannot ignore these ISIL/ISIS terrorists some of
our allies created. They have threatened the establishment and the elites in
various countries. [2] So we are
taking preventative action. We are sending your sons and daughters to bomb them
back to the dark ages where they belong. I must say I am also grateful that my
orders are followed without question, even though I have questionable allies. [3] This shows discipline is good.
There will be no boots [4] on the
ground, I promise you that. Unless of course I change my mind and our allies
request them. Some persons might wonder why we are not bombing our allies who
have supported the enemy. Of course, we cannot do that.Why spoil a good business relationship? These
people are our friends. And one does not bomb dictator friends and allies,
despite their faults and treachery. In closing let me say this about the enemy:
We will bomb them on the beaches. We will bomb them in their foxholes; we will
bomb them in their safe havens; we will bomb them in their fields; we will bomb
them in their sand dunes and in their sand castles. We shall never surrender. And if we kill, dismember or decapitate
innocent civilians or children with our missiles and bombs we will apologize
for this collateral damage and carry on bombing. Because Bombers R Us.