Tuesday, November 20, 2012

journey of a lifetime

well i did a deep prayer of gratitude and an opening heart meditation this morning...a great lead in to my morning journey...an open journey...just asking to receive what i need to know...i was so relaxed and open...in my mind i was sitting on a deck by the ocean...breeze...sunset...the rhythmic lift and fall of waves...i used the waves as a sonic driver to get me into the journey...

in my journey i began by walking into the ocean...shapeshifting into a dolphin...swimming with others...

when i was far from the land i went down and into an opening in the ocean floor...dolphin body was left behind...climbing into a vein of lava...going in all directions...my energy spreading out into every volcanic place on earth...filling the ring of fire...i felt this energy...the power of the flow and the pressure...i have felt this in my own body at times...it was important for me to experience this now...today...to understand the build up in me and others...i have a feeling folks may be experiencing this edginess more...

as a child i was very sensitive to this energy in adults...i still am...in fact i catch onto the undercurrents of others alot...it isnt surprising the journey reminded me of the "undercurrent" of the earth this morning... i have been dealing with the same energy in people all year...a hidden build up of energy...

but unlike the earth...which finds a way to shift and release the energy many humans tap it down and seek to hide it...this energy then must be contained with great effort or vented and released...and when it is vented it can be released in passive aggressive ways, through an outburst, or in gossipy ranting to a friend...i certainly have vented in all these ways and i have seen others...it is not unusual but i know it isnt productive....

as i travelled the veins i came to realize if the natural flow of heat, fire, lava, gases makes its way in a methodical and productive way....there is an opening and the energy flows...the tectonic plates shift...energy is released...an earthquake...a volcano explodes...it happens...and so does frustrations, anger, fear, anxiety...

these strong emotions move through me and seeks a way to be released...to find an efficient release is what i need to do...rather than let it implode or explode...or see it become unwellness in me as it settles in to the core of my belly....

this energy builds for a reason....if i can prevent the build up or use the build up in a constructive way rather than allow it to do damage to myself then i am well....if not i am heart sick...unwell...

so this part of the journey i will return to in another with a guide and ask more questions...

i "recollected" myself and came up to a very lush place...a waterfall cascading from a steep incline....huge ferns along both sides from top to bottom...i was standing in a dark pool...in my human form again...i looked around for a guide...a brightly colored bird flew to me...its long tail skimming across the water....it landed on a branch overreaching the pool...

she was there to keep me calm as the pool began showing me things i needed to look at...the pool showed me others unkindly gossiping about me and judging me...the pool showed memories of me being treated poorly...suffering began to rise up in me...i was taking in the harshness of others...i was accepting who they needed to see me as...i was accepting their interpretation of me...i was beating myself up with their positioning of their opinions to gain power over me...and i watched myself in the pool....i was accepting their unkindness into me...it was easy to accept when i already felt this way about myself....they easily slipped these daggers of unkindness in...and when i wanted to stand up for myself i backed down...or i would try to take all the responsibility for something...

the pool kept going back in time...and i saw even as a young girl i took on so much from others...trying to make things ok even at the expensive of my own well being...

then the pool leaped forward to the last few years...all the sarifices and the giving up of my dreams...to get love and acceptance from others....watching the cost pile up...imploding...self loathing at my weakness....giving up all of me for crumbs of love and acceptance....while at the same time realizing i wasnt respected and would never be accepted as i was...the pool showed me giving up....

it showed the hardships of the past three years...it showed the brokenness...it showed the moments i was so unhappy i hid out from the world...and it also showed how others tried to help...it showed my own struggle to get back up...it showed tender moments that gave me the courage to go on...i saw myself making mistakes and having great regrets...i saw angry actions that pushed me back down...i saw myself take it all on...take it all in...even things that werent mine to take...

and at the end of the pools teachings were faces...and i saw into them...understanding...some who like me and some who dont...some who dont like themselves and see in me the parts of themselves they dont like...i see their flaws and their transcending perfection...and the last face was mine...and in this face i saw a child who was wounded and she rose up from the water and took my hand...

she was such a good kid...everyone liked her...she worked hard...was obedient...she sacrificed herself for the adults and children around her...she saw suffering at an early age...her own and others...she was surrounded by messed up adults...she learned from their missteps...she did her best...i watched this child turn into a teenager...i watched the brokenness set in for the long haul...i saw her quiet and alone...out in nature...her only real home...i saw her crying...i felt her wounding...i felt her love...she was a good kid...helping take care of her granndparents...going to her aunts to help out...always working...

and then i watched the teenager standing before me change and grow...all her adult life doing her best...working hard...rejections...jobs she couldnt work hard enough in and would burn out...70 hour work weeks that made her stumble through her life...the work load endless...nonprofit hell...but it kept her avoiding life...numbing out...

and then i saw this young woman age...catch up to my age...until i was standing face to face with myself...it was so real...i reached out...i took myself in my arms...it was so moving...imagine embracing yourself in a physical way....

i stepped back from myself and looked again...it is different than from looking in a pool of water or a mirror....here was a breathing being who was me...and in a flood of emotions i felt the love...the love from the other me...i felt the gratitude for being me...i felt the preciousness of being in this life...

and then there was this remarkable reminder....as i stood there this other me shapeshifted into all those people i have ever wronged and who have wronged me...and as they did they each said a single chant...

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

i know these words...they are ho'oponopono words...beautiful...simple...profound...

these words sunk into me and i said them back to each person...each with great emotion...deep understanding...some people this released in me bigger waves of forgiveness...some folks i had forgiven long ago...and i had been forgiven by...

a very emotional and sacred time spent in this journey...and when it was done the being became me again...and this other me spoke to me and i to her...the exchange was very affirming...i was shown some things i need to do...a very constructive to do list for sure...the next months will be focused and interesting...i also was able to speak about my trust issues...and she showed me who i can trust...who stands in integrity and is not "heart sick" and who is strong and will be healthy for me to be around...my other self gave me some deep insight into my own conduct and actions and others...she gave me a way to discern...to be approachable to all yet with the wise understanding of my own good instincts and clear vision...

lastly she did a beautiful thing with me...she took me into the water and bathed me...washing my hair...caring for me...mothering me...showing me how to mother myself...

it was a very peaceful end to the journey...returning through the earth...reforming...swimming as a dolphin again...coming back to reality...but with the teachings expanding in me...