At thirteen my mother found me secretly reading a movie star magazine. She kindly explained, "You aren't pretty enough to be a movie star so you should develop your personality." Now, do not take her words as insulting. I didn't and I don't. Until her dying moment she was my biggest fan. She did not say those words disparagingly at all, but rather to do me a favor and get me to focus on more than wanting to be pretty.I took her words to heart and decided to develop my personality -- that became my goal. The local library had a self-improvement section, and that summer I read every single book in it. I went down the row reading anything related to personal development: manners, etiquette, confidence, character, public speaking, comportment, appearance, psychology, humor, even selling. Some of you may remember the book Psycho-Cybernetics and of, course, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which were two titles that got read more than once.So what happened after the summer when I headed back to school with all that new found knowledge? Nothing. I was still a gangly, tall, skinny, eye glass wearing, self-conscious teenage girl. Just because I read the books didn't mean I'd understood or captured all the good advice, but it was a start.Recently I had the occasion to reminisce with an old classmate and over lunch she commented, "You know, in high school you were pretty nice to everyone, pretty funny, pretty interesting, pretty smart, pretty confident acting, and I was pretty jealous of you." That was not my self image at all, so it was a pleasant surprise to hear that's how this friend remembered me. And I got to thinking that maybe I was pretty enough after all.The beauty of maturing is that you have eye-opening moments and they help you put your life in perspective. I'm glad my mother told me the good advice. Unbeknownst to her, she gave me a head start for my ultimate profession as an executive coach and speaker on leadership and communication.I'd like to hear your own early life-shaping experiences. Write your story to me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..- Debra

Exciting small start-ups seem promising and progressive, but on the other hand a legacy company offers proven systems, procedures and security. To compare and decide what is right for you, consider the differences:The Small Start-Up FirmThis type of company is likely to have:• A sense that no one is really in charge• A sense of chaotic growth (say, from a staff of 14 to a staff of 400 within 12 months)• Lots of wasted money (usually the investors’ money)• No time to train you• Little stability• Limited support resources• Fourteen-hour days, seven days a week• Zero vacation or free time• No clear payroll or human resource policies• No clear practices• No one to complain to• No experienced managers as mentors• More openness between management and rank file• Increased speed of project execution• Shorter time for advancement• Increased risk of failureThe Blue-Chip Legacy CompanyThis type of company is likely to have:• Opportunity at almost every level• Resources• Profitability (more likely, but not guaranteed)• A proven reputation• Security• Stability• A large peer group of colleagues• Experienced managers as mentors• Assistants• Vacations• Longer wait for advancementBoth types of organizations have a time and a place in a career. Both have a chance of ultimate success. The trick is to pick the right time and place for yours.-DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

Change is the only constant—especially in business—so it pays to keep your ears and eyes open for these six warning signs that may signal trouble for your company: Partnerships and co-marketing deals with other companies are canceled. Two or more leading company executives resign or are fired. One or more well-known figures resign from the board of directors. Anticipated rounds of capital funding are reduced or canceled. The stock price takes repeated hits. There are spending and investment cutbacks.One survivor of the corporate wars summarizes the downward slope of bad news like this: “First the bigwigs say, ‘We’re in transition.’ Then they say, ‘We’re downsizing.’ Finally, they say, ‘We’re closing.’”Don’t work from a negative perspective but a realistic one, as things change constantly. Continue to expand your network of contacts, build your skills, and keep your resume updatedYou can’t control change, but you can prepare for it.-DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

In business (and in Washington D.C.), too often a courageous-think-and-act-outside-of-the-box individual is pejoratively labeled a cowboy. As if being a cowboy is a bad thing! Whoa! That’s exactly what I want on my team.Why? Because I know cowboys — real cowboys. They are about inspiration, not regulation. They don’t worry about rules but rather principles, values, and character.Cowards are not tolerated among them. Courage isn’t about bull-riding, it’s about speaking up and saying what needs to be said when others are afraid to; taking action when others won’t.They “cowboy-up” when things get tough, and they don’t quit on you. They keep their promises and don’t dodge and spin or whine. With a happy soul and maybe a grin, they speak directly and purposefully — and they mean what little they say. They don’t much go for windbags.James Owen wrote the book “Cowboy Ethics” (Stoecklein Publishing). It’s what he, a Wall Streeter, felt his peers could learn from the Code of the West: “The West is a place where the fence is always tight but the gate is always open to friends and neighbors. It is a place where a man can make tough decisions without looking over his shoulder or worrying what someone else will think. A cowboy gets his strength from knowing what is right and what is wrong and being true to his beliefs. That is the essence of the Code of the West and the true cowboy way.”And then there’s the line from “The Shootist,” John Wayne’s last film: “I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, and I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people and I require the same from them.”That’s why I like cowboys (and married one).- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

Sometimes, changing companies isn’t the best alternative, even for people who truly need a job change. If you think you fit with your current company but aren’t being adequately challenged or rewarded in your present job, it may make sense to consider moving within the company. Don’t assume this is impossible. If you seriously investigate the opportunities within your current company, you may be pleasantly surprised by what you discover. Dale Telford, former IT director at StarChoice, and the founder of the bITssol, puts it well.Telford suggests, "If there comes a time where you feel you can’t go any further at your current company, talk with your superiors and let them know what you feel you’re capable of doing. Ask them for suggestions or if they know of a position open in another organization. That way, if you do find something outside of your current company, you will not be surprising anyone. You may also find that even though you did not think there was something else you could grow into, the company you currently work for may know your real value and create the position you want.”Because keeping good employees has become a high priority at most smart companies today, your employer may be willing to facilitate your job change within the organization. Avoiding losing you to an outside competitor will help the company avoid the costs of recruiting, hiring, and training a replacement. There are benefits for you as well. You and your family will undergo less of a disruption, and the knowledge you’ve developed about your company, the people who work there, its systems and processes, and its customers and competitors will all continue to be useful to you. A lateral or upward shift within the same company may be the ideal move for you. Even if the new department or division doesn’t turn out to be a perfect long-term career match, the new assignment could turn into a useful “bridge” job that keeps you sane and teaches you some new skills as you consider other options.If you’re interested in pursuing an internal change, start by talking to your boss. Think carefully about how to approach the subject. Use tact and diplomacy to explain why you’re interested in a change without expressing bitterness, anger, or boredom with your current job. The last thing you want to do is to provoke defensiveness or hostility – after all, you want your boss’s help in making the shift. Talk in terms of your aspirations for the future rather than emphasizing your disappointment with the past and present. Don’t say, “I want a new job because the work here is depressing, dull, and pointless.” Instead, you can say, “I think I’m ready to tackle some new challenges and a little higher level of responsibility that will benefit the company.”It’s unlikely that your boss will be in a position to directly link you with job opportunities in other departments; your company’s human resource or personnel department will have to play that role. However, company policy usually requires your boss’s approval for an internal job search. Further, it would scarcely be comfortable to proceed against your boss’s wishes, which is why it’s a good idea to start with him or her. And who knows? Your boss may surprise you by responding, “I had no idea you felt that way. Would you like to be considered for the new job that’s just about to open up in our department?”- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

Consistently Follow the Golden Rule: What you want for yourself, you give to others. Do right and do it consistently in how you think, act, and interact with people.Over the years there are versions of the “rule” that I’ve heard from colleagues. Pick one that rings true for you: Do what’s right for the other person, and you’ll end up doing what’s right for you. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. Be good to people, and they will be good to you. Treat all people as you would like to be treated. Good works on Earth align you in the right way with the universe. You never want to do unto others what you would not want done unto you. What is hateful to you, do not do to others. As a leader, always be more than is expected of the people you’re working for and who are working for you. You can’t ask others to do what you aren’t willing to do yourself. Treat people like you want to be treated. Do unto others before they split. How would you want to be treated (or how would you want your mother, your son, to be treated)? Treat others as they would like to be treated. Don’t repeat what you didn’t like done to you. Expect from others what you expect from yourself.Any version works for giving the respect due to others – as good leaders do.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

Many years ago I found a book by Richard R. Conarroe, published by the American Management Association titled, BRAVELY, BRAVELY IN BUSINESS.Getting out of college and anxious for a career I typed these notes on a sheet of paper, folded it and kept it in my wallet for over ten years to unfold and read periodically. Recently, I found that folded piece of paper and discovered the things that made for a successful career that many years ago still holds true. And they will for your children too. See for yourself: Pick the people who can most strongly determine your success and stay in direct, personal, continuous touch with them. Never assume that the way things are today is the way they will be tomorrow – or even after lunch. Never fail to consider the future significance of what you say and do. Know what it is you can do better than anyone else and do that. Never say anything about anyone you wouldn’t say in exactly the same way to his face. Search for the seeds of victory in every disaster – and seeds of disaster in every victory. Don’t lie. If you can’t tell the truth, keep quiet. When you start lying, you are dead. Never expect someone to keep a secret. There are no secrets. Bet on people – but be prepared to lose. Unsolvable problems don’t disrupt the routine; they are the routine. Everybody’s motives are different. Make certain you know what motivates each person you deal with. Know exactly what your goals are. Follow your own instincts. They are probably no more wrong than everyone else’s carefully reasoned logic. Build a reputation as a winner by smiling when you win – and when you lose. Keep every promise you have made – or that others think you have made. Never assume that others are operating under the same rules you are. Success has many ingredients, but the greatest of these is confidence. Don’t win too soon. You’ll miss half the fun of playing the business game.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

Every organization needs a leader. Motorcycle gangs have (official and unofficial) designated leaders, as do Red Cross workers. Children on school playgrounds follow the leader, just as dogs do in a pack. Regardless of your calling, someone is going to lead the charge; no group can do without a conductor. It might as well be you.In business, they’re formally called chief (fill in the blank with chief operating, technical, legal, personnel, administrative, technology, information, continuity, risk, nuclear, marketing, manufacturing, financial, purchasing, quality, country, security, learning, or strategic) officer—which can lead to the CEO job.Being the person in charge — the leader — is a lot bigger rush than base-jumping. It’s rad. It’s cool. And it’s awesome.One psychologist told me, "Everyone wants to be a chief, but most feel it’s unrealistic, so they turn it around and act like they don’t want it anyway. But they wouldn’t turn it down if offered."Over many conversations with hundreds of CEOs, I asked why being the leader in the enterprise is a good gig. They told me that you have the best chance of any job in the organization to: Turn things around; make things happen. Be the coach, the mentor. Make a difference. Get to select the people you’re around. Be able to do something about the problems you complain about. Make your own decisions. Minimize doing things that you think are stupid. Choose the chances you’re going to take. Make decisions that can change the world. Be able to help more people. Do what you think is right. Be the boss you always wanted to have. And control your own destiny.As one CEO put it, "I figured I’m as smart as others running the show. I decided to be the boss that I always wanted to have."– DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

"You don’t have to come into a situation knowing it all. But you do have to come in wanting to learn,” said my favorite CEO mentor, Curt Carter.Without lots of information, you don’t have a chance of being a leader. You can’t argue your point or even discuss it unless you have tons of facts and material. You can’t be a change agent, be globally aware, be innovative and creative, be really good at your job, be decisive, manage your career well, or develop people.Gathering useful knowledge from many sources is one of the most underrated qualities of a leader. Good leaders constantly seek information, collect it, and store it into their brains, computers, or with trusted administrative assistants.Curt has told me many times, “I am always in the mode to learn something every day. I ask myself, ‘What’s here that would be beneficial to understand?’ I read everything I can and tap into everything I can.” He told me, “I’ll learn something new every day until I die. I may not use it but I’ll have learned it!"Learning is one thing; getting better from it is another. Conscious, incrementally improved repetition is the key to improved performance.3 Steps to repeat over and over: Pick something you want to get better at and set a goal around it. Pick apart what’s necessary to reach the goal. Part by part, piece by piece, deliberately drill the parts. ?(Well-done parts make for a well-done whole.) On each part, get feedback and seek causes and remedies to problem areas. Take that feedback, make changes accordingly, and concentrate ?on improving at least a little. Take the slightly improved, and repeat the effort, feedback, and ?slight improvement. ?Social scientists find that you have to repeat an action 28 times before it becomes a habit. I don’t care whether you do it 8, 28, or 228 times, just be sure that each time you are practicing a little bit better execution than the last.Every task you do, from the most menial to the most significant, can be improved with this conscious preparation: leaving voice-mail messages, writing reports, making cocktail-party small talk, public speaking, selling, negotiating, and so forth.The best in their field have an attitude of lifelong learning. Warren Buffett says that if you end your day without knowing more than you started, you’re not doing something right. Tiger Woods says that he wakes up every day knowing that he can be a better golfer. The artist Goya at age 82 wrote in a corner of one of his paintings, “I am still learning.” At age 77, actress Jane Fonda hired an acting coach to hone her skills.When you see yourself improving, it becomes interesting. Big changes don’t happen overnight, but change can happen from this minute of practice to the next minute, from this day to the next.No investment is guaranteed in life except the investment you make in yourself. Continuously learning is to invest in you.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

When I start a speech, generally after every other speaker has used a number of slides, I explain to the audience, "You'll find that I don't use PowerPoint. There is a reason for that. I believe you have to be your own PowerPoint in life. You can't walk around with a group of slides over your shoulder explaining what you want people to remember. You have to live, breathe, show, and emote the effect you want to have on people."That's taking nothing away from those who effectively use the technology. I just chose another approach in presentations so that I:

1) differentiate myself from others2) rely on my physicality, choice of words, and mindset to communicate3) practice what I preach (i.e. professional presence and executive effectiveness)

Next time you present, try it without any props except your own preparation and brilliance. You might find out that you explain yourself better than any technology can add to your speech.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

Standing outside a seaside restaurant in Malaga, Spain was an older woman dressed head to toe in a perfectly tailored aqua colored pantsuit apparently waiting for someone to join her. Sunglasses on her head and (likely) an Hermes scarf draped across one shoulder.To this awkward-feeling college girl on Spring break, she looked the epitome of grace, confidence, and comfortableness with her happy facial expression, erect posture, and poised demeanor. After patiently waiting, an equally dapper young man joined her (I’m assuming her son) and gentlemanly escorted her to their table. She listened to him earnestly, touched his arm occasionally, spoke with enthusiasm, and laughed easily. I thought to myself, "that's what I want to be like when I get older."Today, I am that older woman. Sometimes young women in my audience come up after a speech and say, "I hope I look like you when I'm your age." It makes me feel good. And then I feel regret that I did not compliment that woman I saw in Malaga those many years ago. I was seated right beside her; I could have leaned over and said, "You're a striking woman. You're what I want to look like when I get older."Today if I see someone who makes me want to compliment him or her, I do it immediately and clearly because I don't want to miss the chance to make someone feel good. It takes such little effort to maintain someone's self esteem, and the payoff is so great for both of you.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

You can do everything right, and things can still go splat in your career. As John Elway, two-time Super Bowl champion quarterback, says, “Not only do you have to be good, but you have to be lucky.”Keep alert for some of the warning signs your job is at risk. This is not to be defensive but offensive in managing your career.* You sense disregard for your authority by those above, below, and around you.* The number of people who report to you is significantly reduced; budgets are cut.* You increasingly feel that your energy, enthusiasm, and smarts are getting you nowhere.* You experience notable indignities, such as being ignored in meetings, being left out of the loop on key decisions, or being omitted from the circulation lists for important e-mails.* You have frequent run-ins with peers.* You are repeatedly passed over for the most interesting, important, or prestigious assignments.It's smart to pay attention to your gut feeling on this. Before you get panicky, ask questions to ferret out feelings vs. reality. Regardless of what you hear today, prepare for being “unlucky” someday. Keep your resume updated, and step up your efforts in expanding your network of contacts. Prepare emotionally and financially, so you regain a sense of control in your destiny.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

The Seattle Seahawks coach's decision to pass vs. run the football from the one yard line in the final seconds of the Super Bowl game changed his legacy and the player’s lives forever. Their six-month playing season of all-out effort turned on a few seconds' decision and action at the end of the game.Rosa Parks changed history with her few seconds of refusing to go to the back of the bus.Daily we see lives ended in highway crashes by a few seconds texting.Similarly, seconds can make or break your career.You:

- answer a single question intelligently or stupidly at the right or wrong time- say hello and engage in conversation with the stranger in the elevator (or not), who turns out to be the decision maker on your proposal- speak up and ask a question vs. sitting silently like the rest of the group- walk into a meeting with a confident comportment, relaxed expression on your face, and purposeful pacing, or slink in and slouch with an unengaged demeanor- make one more phone call, send one more email, take a bit more initiative on a project before you leave work for the day

Months and years of hard effort are necessary, but seconds of doing things a little differently/a little better than the next person is the big separator.Think about it: If you take 3 seconds today to do 3 actions a little differently/a little better, that’s 9 seconds that could change your life.-Debra Benton

Earlier this week, I recommended that you write your story -- where you came from, what and where you learned what you know, the experiences that caused you to be you, and so on.Korn/Ferry Briefings magazine interviewed Pete Carroll to find out how his leadership philosophy evolved after regrouping from being fired from the New England Patriots:“I wasn’t sure yet what was really at the fundamental core and essence of who I was. I needed to figure that out if I was ever going to have a chance….I picked up a notebook, and from that point forward I started writing down my thoughts about what was important to me in coaching. I was trying to get at the essence of what I was all about and what was meaningful to me. And out of that came a clear realization that I’m a competitor and that’s the way I had spent my whole life……So competition became the central theme of our program, and I realized that everything I was doing, that I would undertake, would be with a competitor's mindset….And we needed to figure out who the guys (players) were that we were working with. We needed to understand them as well as we possibly could. We needed to uncover their unique, special qualities that made them them….” says Carroll.So that’s another reason to write your story. To find out what you already know but kind of forgot about yourself. It’s a good practice to learn the same about your own team players. If you help them find themselves and find their best qualities, then you’ll help them in their highest ability to perform.-DebraPhoto: Ted S. Warren via Flickr Creative Commons

Emerson Spartz, the 27-year-old Internet media entrepreneur, recently raised $8 million in venture capital funding for his aggregate site www.dose.com. At age 12 he created the most popular Harry Potter fan site in the world, MuggleNet. Spartz tells The New Yorker magazine that when he was growing up, his parents made him read four short biographies of successful people every single day.Not a bad idea for your kids — or you — and www.Biography.com is one good source.But don’t just read others' biographies; write your own too. Include: Where and how you grew up Early influences and influencers who shaped you Choices you had and decisions (good and bad) that you madeWrite your career and life progression but don’t make it obituary-like with just the facts. Add the “color” of your life -- your loves, your losses, your dreams, and your goals going forward.Your significant other will enjoy reading it, and when the kids are old enough, give them a copy.Think about it. How many of you have lost a parent or someone important to you, and wouldn’t it be wonderful to read their life story? In addition, it’s a great refresher/reminder when you have to talk about your background in a workplace conversation.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

As a professional speaker, I need to have a video demonstrating my style and sampling my content. Videographer Ben Westdorp put together this new, 18-minute short for me.If you know someone planning an event and looking for a speaker please forward this link or direct them to my website's Speaking page. Thank you in advance!- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

1. You being trustworthy is more important than you being smart.2. You being self-confident is often more important than intelligence, skill, or talent.3. You can and should argue with the boss as long as you do it with respect and you have a valid point to make.4. You being great is necessary but not sufficient; you have to make others great, too. Best is to do both.- DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me.

Today a client called me to provide advice to his son who is the president of their company. Twenty-seven years ago, I coached the father in his career. All this time later, he said he still remembered things we discussed and he wanted some similar help for his son. As we caught up with each other, he told me that a lot of his plans, goals, and dreams were realized because of our discussions. One specific hope he'd had was to have a son who wanted to and could take over the helm of the successful business he’d built.Of course, I immediately reached out to his son and we had a productive conversation around a leadership situation he wanted advice on.Yes, I’m bragging to you with this story because:One, I’m proud of having a bit of an impact in this important man’s life.Two, to remind you that if we work together, you get me "for life” as your coach. Nothing makes me happier than to hear from a past client seven years or seventeen years or in this case, twenty-seven years later.Each of my clients is important to me, and I’m here for them — and you.— DebraP.S. If you have comments or questions, please feel free to contact me. Photo: SvenWerk

The most frequent reason a CEO sends executives to me for coaching is to improve their leadership styles. The individuals are described in some fashion as "off-the-charts bright ....but needs to step-up-to-the-bat and take control of the power that could be theirs."When I get CEOs to explain further, I find that they mean the otherwise smart person is either too aggressive in manner (and puts people off) or too passive (and doesn’t get buy-in) when dealing with others.It’s an over-simplification to coach the right leadership style because what’s right depends on the organization, the business environment, the company size and stage of growth, the industry, what’s best for the workers, what’s best for shareholders, and whether an entrepreneurial leader vs. administrative leader vs. salesman leader vs. an innovative leader is needed at this point in time. For effective leadership styles, context is everything.But one element is required in all leadership styles regardless of the context: That element is confidence.When someone is too aggressive, mean-sprited, demanding, and critical of others — it stems from their own insecurity.When someone is too passive, risk averse, afraid to make decisions, and poor at delegating — it stems from their own insecurity.My job is to change their confidence level through the introduction of new ways of thinking and new behavior -- that they previously didn’t think possible.Because when they become consistently confident, they: Make better decisions, more quickly Take careful risks Refuse to be a sycophant Refuse to tolerate sycophantic behavior in others Express themselves better Don’t lie...or need to lie to cover up their insecurity Truly “step-up-to-the-bat and take control of the power that can be theirs"Every emerging leader comes to me with a unique personality and proclivities ingrained since age six and honed until twenty-six (or so). I want to retain that individualism. (Well, frankly, it can’t be changed.) But I can provide individuals with new ways to think, act, and interact that coincide with their beliefs and make them measurably more effective at the same time.Give me a call if you know someone who could benefit from this approach. — Debra Photo by Sonny Abesamis.

This month’s issue of Fortune features Tony Robbins on the cover with the bold headline "The CEO Whisperer." That is a domain name I’ve owned and used for many years, so I was quite proud to see it prominently featured. Didn’t hurt that it brought some nice hits to my site, www.CEOwhisperer.com.Robbins is quite a pro. We were on the same speaking docket for YPO (Young President’s Organization) in Mexico City some years back where I got to spend time with him and his entourage, and see the power he presents from the stage and behind the curtain.People often ask where my domain name CEOwhisperer.com came from. Well, I’m married to a cowboy and he knew of the man known as the “horse whisperer” famous for calmly talking and developing trust in improving a horse's behavior — while never breaking down the spirit of the horse.So being around the cowboy and his horses I’ve learned that people can be like horses in that some will test you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the best in you.- Debra Benton