Adam's Blog

This blog is my window out into the world and while I'm looking out you may just catch a glimpse inside mine. Let me know if you like what you see... and if you don't, feel free to disagree and let me know what's really on your mind.

Abstract: This paper seeks to cross the generational divide that currently exists between the young people of today and all previous generations. Due to their overexposure to the negative aspects of the world as seen through modern media sources they have become desensitized to the harsh realities of the "real world." Television and music are the mediums offered for analysis herein and the author makes the case that reality television shows currently on air are by far the most corruptive influence in history. The younger generation is in desperate need of redirection but this author offers neither sage advice nor any substantial solutions to the current overwhelming fascination with high drama media, at least not at this juncture.

American pop-culture is more influential today than at any pervious time in history. Unfortunately, the message that is being broadcast to the rest of the world is not generally one of hope and inspiration. The violence and vulgarity that has become so prevalent across all sources of words and actions have yet to be determined, but it is difficult to imagine any possible future benefit at this time.

Every generation aspires to exceed the expectations and accomplishments of the previous one. As a result, some generational gaps inevitably do occur and certain core principles and values are not equally expressed across that gap. Nowhere does the current disparity become more glaringly obvious than in statements made by various American pop-culture icons portraying characters in music, movies and television shows. To the world, it would appear that these entertainers represent the view of the masses in this country, and subsequently their personal statements then become "our statements" to a world-wide audience. Few of these individuals consider the gravity or potential impact of their statements but, even if they did, it is unlikely their ego-driven tongues could refrain from spewing inflammatory remarks for very long, since they have learned that even negative attention is better than no attention at all.

The American media frequently throws fuel onto the fire lit by pop-stars and in doing so plays to the masses' unquenchable desire for high drama. Nowadays, the majority of Americans are choosing to watch reality shows of all types at an alarming rate. Basketball Wives, Mob Wives, The Flavor Of Love, Jersey Shore and Bad Girls Club all portray young people in America as violent, alcoholic, irresponsible, misogynistic and ignorant. The networks seem to promote these negative stereotypes and encourage the "actors" to create as much drama as possible, merely to increase the network's ratings despite the human cose. Ultimately, reality television is big business for all of the people involved and their job is simply to "entertain" the mases. This practice has resulted in the desensitization of an entire younger generation who now believes this type of behavior to be "normal." Young people today are not able to realize the serious nature of certain words, phrases and actions that have somehow become a part of their own vernaclar. The N-Word and the W-Word are both incendiary terms that can, and often do, invoke heated replies from anyone familiar with the origins and true meanings of those words. Reality television shows have distorted true reality and left and entire younger generation ill-prepared for whatever awaits them in the future, but they are not the only pop-culture media vehicles to blame for our present sad state of cultural affairs.

Music has always been an exceptionally powerful medium despite its singular assault on the senses. Entire generations have frequently been moved to action by certain lyrics that perfectly expressed the sentiment of the masses. Marvin Gaye sang about "mothers crying, brothers dying, father there's no need to escalate" on his famous track "What's Going On" while trying to ease some of the tensions that arose during the civil rights era. Then there was Bob Marley and The Wailers speaking directly to the history of slavery and encouraging all their listeners to "free their minds."

"O' Pirates yes they rob I. Sold I to the merchant ships, minutes after they took I from the bottomless pit but my hands were made strong by the hands of the Almighty. We're forwarding this generation triumphantly.......Emancipate yourselves from enter slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds." (Bob Marley and The Wailers Redemption Song off of the Legend album)

Rage Against The Machine is another relatively well known group that has been extremely vocal about a variety of social injustices that have occurred in recent decades. The group has been very outspoken in their support of convicted Philadelphia "cop-killer" Mumia Abu-Jamal, much to the ire of the Philadelphia Fraternal Order of Police as well as family members of the victim Officer Daniel Faulkner. Their song "Testify" is all about Abu-Jamal's crime/conviction and their lyrics have inspired international support for him. Without the group's steady support throughout the years, his case wold have likely disappeared into relative obscurity long ago.

Another popular band that has attempted to tackle social injustices in recent years is Creed. Their song "One" discusses the sometimes polarizing effects of "Affirmative Action" and encourages listeners to strive for social/racial unity, which was clearly the original intent of the law. Their message is far out of step with most modern pop-culture song lyrics heard on the radio today. Unfortunately, pop-music has become much more homogenized and devoid of any strong social commentary, or attempt to positively influence, the younger generation.

Pop-culture and music now commonly express artists' infatuation with personal gain and notoriety instead of attempting to promote any sort of strong social values and personal principles.Fast money, cars and women are a recurring theme of little substance or longevity that clearly resonates with the younger generation. Without a dramatic act of violence or vulgarity, as seen on the aforementioned reality television shows, it is nearly impossible to capture and hold their attention. This young generation could greatly benefit themselves by talking a lesson from the ender generations - but that's unlikely to occur.

As pop-culture artists row a little odder and, hopefully a little wiser, their voices may become reality magnified within the mainstream. In recent years these men and women have been able to project a positive message into the collective consciousness and have helped to shape future events. Currently, there is a powerful social movement gaining momentum within the state of California that seeks to abolish the death peanlity. Rocker Jackson Browne, actor Ed Asner and Netflix CEO, Billionaire Reed Hastings have all loudly expressed their support for Proposition 34 which would effectively convert all of the states' death sentences to life without parole if it's succesful. They have contributed their time, money and reputations to help affect a positive social change. These artists' influence is indisputable but, likewise, so is the influence of all aforementioned reality television show actors.

We are now living in an era of sensory overload and must choose our influences wisely. The younger generation should be encouraged at every opportunity to identify and promote their own principles and beliefs so that the rest of the world does not mistake their current high drama infatuation with genuine narcissism and nihilism. Only by dramatically altering course and no longer promoting such negativity can we begin to make the case that our, society's, intentions were never as cold, cruel or calloused as they may have appeared to be. It was all scripted for the sake of "entertainment" that somehow got confused with reality. American pop-culture should instead reflect all of the positive attributes of this younger generation, but that is not sometime we are likely to see anytime soon, since the media would not benefit financially from it.

Abstract: This paper is a brief analysis of the choice and effect relationship experienced by all men living within crime infested meighborhoods. The decisions that they make in response to the opportunities that are available to them inside prison, at the halfway house or on supervised release will determine the quality of the lives they lead. This author has experienced every aspect of the criminal justice system first hand and knows all about the possibilities and pitfalls awaiting these men at every step of their journey. They system is not inescapable; successful reentry is available to any man who chooses wisely.

Ask a question and the mind immediately begins searching for an answer. Most of the questions that we encounter each day are self-generated, right within our own minds. We are constantly inquiring within, calculating the risks and rewards and making decisions based on all the information that flows through our minds. Ultimately, whatever decisions we make are entirely of our own choosing.

All of the men currently sitting inside prison made a conscious decision to break the law. Some men may have had more options than others but the fact remains that they still always had a choice. Frequently the argument is made that those men living within crime infested neighborhoods "have few, if any, realistic options, and therefore "dealing drugs can be an irresistible temptation," but that is not a valid justification for choosing to break the law and risk becoming incarcerated. Even in the worst neighborhoods there are "working men and women" who get up and go to work each day with the honest intention of earning a legitimate wage to support their families. These workers are not entirely invisible, but they certainly do not command the same attention as the men standing out on the corner each day, center stage, flashing their new clothes, nice cars and rolls of cash. Everyone in the neighborhood knows from experience that all of that "flash" is destined to disappear just as quickly as the cops can slap on the cuffs and cart them off to jail. The people that see the game played every single day cannot claim ignorance of the rules and consequences, for they are well understood by everyone living in the neighborhood.

Prison is an unfortunate inevitability for anyone wrapped up in the drug game, yet there is never a shortage of potential players awaiting an opportunity to get into the game. As quickly as the men disappear form their neighborhoods, they are replaced by those men returning home. Many of them act as if nothing has changed (within them) and this sends the wrong message to the young men who have not yet been fully indoctrinated into the game. These men had an opportunity to formulate a plan for their future while they were away, but instead, they chose to simply bide their time and plot their return back to the very same neighborhood where they were arrested.

Every man comes to a prison a criminal but he does not have to return home the same way. There are plenty of existing opportunities on the inside that few men choose to take advantage of while they are there. Instead, most men choose to spend their days in front of the television, at the card table, or out on the ball court instead of reading or studying about something that might better prepare them for the future. Those men, both young and old, that are required to attend GED classes often exhibit minimal effort or interest in the lessons they should be learning. Vocational training too, is offered in most prisons and can provide realistic, legitimate future opportunities for employment. The reality is that all those men who choose not to utilize the opportunities that have been made available to them are instead choosing to remain criminals, and therefore are repeatedly subjected to the conditions they claim to abhor.

Men such as Duane Henry and Demico Boothe, along with countless other successful parolees, have proven that there are legitimate opportunities for men returning home from prison. None of them ever claimed that their path to eventual success was an "easy" route but they did prove that it was in fact possible, and that should have been enough. They are the ones who should be admired and praised back in their neighborhoods, but inevitably and inexplicably it is the drug dealers that still command center stage.

Life after a criminal conviction will never be "easy," but it is possible to live within the boundaries of the law. If a man has done nothing to improve his prospects for future employment while he was in prison, then he may still have some time remaining while in the half way house to find a job and save some money. Once he is finally released from prison, or the half way house, and returns home to his old neighborhood, he will have many more decisions to make each day, and he must choose wisely.

Those men who have decided that they are going to break the vicious cycle of recidivism and not return to prison, and who are in fact sincere in their efforts, will find that there are people and resources available to them. Now, more than ever before, parole and probation officers have access to funding and services that are specifically intended to aid in the re-entry process. It is up to the men whether or not they choose to take advantage of these opportunities.

The restrictions that are generally placed upon men returning home from prison are often described as "hardships," when, in actuality, they are merely inconvenience. Drug testing, employment verification, and home inspections are simply a means of ensuring compliance with rules and laws that parolees have obviously disregarded in the past. Monitoring parolees and probationers for a limited amount of time is not unreasonable as long as there is a set termination date. Anyone that plans to conform to the laws of society and aspires to succeed in all aspects of their life is not going to be seriously concerned with any of these temporary restrictions. It is the individuals who are planning to continue using drugs and engaging in criminal activities that need to be concerned with these public safety measures, and most often they are the ones lodging the most vehement objections to whatever temporary restrictions they may be facing.

Living within the boundaries of the law is not difficult. Choosing to remain free, at home with your family, should not be a difficult decision to make, but prisoners are selfish and we place our own needs before those of our loved ones. Permanently removing ourselves from the web we have woven is an attainable goal for every single one of us. All we must do is choose wisely and live intentionally in order to enjoy the long, happy, healthy and productive lives that we deserve. How difficult could that possibly be?

Abstract: This paper is a brief reflection and encapsulation of the events and circumstances that have influenced me to become the man I am today. I can sincerely say that I "know thyself" better today than ever before, and that, I believe, is a very good beginning.

(Inside Out Paper Originally Posted 2/21/13)

There is an inscription deeply inscribed into the stone at the Delphi which has resonated throughout the ages. "Nosce Te Ipsum" succinctly instructs each person to "know thyself" and it has inspired philosophers to ponder the phrase for centrues. Unfortunately, introspection is not as noble a pursuit today as it once was due to the current "results driven" nature of the world in which we live. Few people believe they possess the time to seriously consider such a dictum nowadays and most are probably correct in that assumption. There are, however, those of us who have chosen to lead a certain type of life where long stretches of quiet contemplation are still quite common. Monks occasionally retreat to their monasteries and, similarly, we prisoners escape to the solitude of our cells.

The nearly 17 years I have spent in prison have taught me a great deal about myself, not all of it positive. Honestly, much of it is embarrassing and difficult to openly admit to anyone. My past is filled with stories of squandered opportunities and unfulfilled potential, punctuated by glimpses of athletic greatness. Admitting that I needed to return to prison in order to finally discover and truly know myself was painful. I wish that I could take back the past and re-write my life story, erasing all the pain and suffering that I caused so many people throughout my life, but I cannot. There is no going back at this point, only forward, and I do so with my head raised and eyes fixed on the horizon.

Everyone experiences their own "alpha" and "omega" points as they travel through this life, but few are able to pause long enough to identify and recognize each of them. It is truly amazing to consider how impactful a singular event can be in the course of a person's life. I have compiled a list of those points and none of them has been more impactful that my serendipitous discovery of "The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire" written by "my man" Deepak Chopra. That book was clearly meant to fall into my hands and the events which have transpired from that day forward seem to have been scripted for my success. Each passing month, and then year, has revealed new depths to my own character despite the pervasive negativity that has often surrounded me. Eventually, I was granted an opportunity to break free from those prison-based politics that bound me within that environment.

The ensuing years of quasi-liberation at a medium security facility have given me an opportunity to delve much deeper into the origin of my issues. These days, I am my own harshest critic, but at the same time, I no longer dwell upon the mistakes of my youth. Now that people have begun to address me as "sir" I can no longer attempt to refer to myself as a "young man," and therefore, I cannot use my "youth" as an excuse for any mistakes, and that is not necessarily such a bad thing. Along with age should come some wisdom, and my life story would suggest that I have accumulated at least a few useful tidbits of hard earned knowledge along the way.

Only six weeks ago my daily routine revolved almost entirely around my personal health and well-being. I taught fitness classes daily up in the Recreation Department and had no knowledge of what took place down the hill inside the Education Department. For two and a half years that routine was most conducive to my personal growth and development. Then one day it occurred to me that I greatly missed engaging in intelligent conversations which I had enjoyed back in the federal penitentiary. As a means of igniting a similar interest amongst some of my fellow inmates, I asked my girlfriend to send me the latest edition of "Word Smart," an old favorite, by "The Princeton Review." Before the book had even arrived, I was unexpectedly invited to join the "Inside Out Program" and subsequently introduced to a group of men and women brimming with intelligent thoughts that each was eager to share. Many of the inside students, whose company I now enjoy on a daily basis, have become close friends and confidants in a relatively brief amount of time. Each time I think I know myself better than ever before another layer of myself is revealed to me.

Everyone who now knows me or knows of me will say that I am a "good guy." What that means to anyone on the inside is that I can go to any federal prison across this country and I'll be met with open arms. This is on account of the reputation I forged for myself throughout the years in the federal penitentiary. I am known not only as "the guy with 213 years" but also as "the fitness guru who teaches all those classes in Recreation." Some guys have even called me "the fittest man in the BOP." One thing that everyone knows is that I am passionate about health and fitness. Becoming a teacher allowed me to share that passion with other men, and in doing so, it also taught me a great deal more about myself. I cannot conceive how I might have become the man I am today under any other circumstances, so for that I am eternally grateful.

Time right now seems to be on my side, as ironic as that may sound. My life is good. The smile on my face is genuine and it radiates from my heart. I have the unconditional love and support of my family and good friends. Every morning I am excited to get up and face whatever challenges, physical or mental, await me. I realize that the things I say or do each day have the potential to positively influence the men around me and thus make my life seem more meaningnful. No matter where all this may lead me, I will always remain true to myself by reflecting on the phrase, Nosce Te Ipsum, without fail at the beginning and end of each day.

"What does what you want look like?"What I "want" is for the new ReEntry Center that we cleaned out, set up, and are now waiting to move into to be approved. The official designation of that space, specifically for reentry programming, signals a long term commitment that extends well beyond the tenure of this administration. It also validates the time and effort I have personally invested into a number of specific programs/projects. Until the ReEntry Center actually opens many of my fellow inmates, and most of the staff, will remain skeptical about the longevity of these reentry initiatives and therefore reluctant to fully commit themselves to anything we're working on.

It probably would have been more sensible for me to try and transfer to another institution closer to either my girlfriend or family since neither resides within a few hundred miles of this facility but, being the eternal optimist that I am, I gambled on my vision of what I believe this place could become once the ReEntry Center opens. I SEE the potential and am compelled to make that vision become a reality in spite of whatever sacrifices I must make or hardships I must endure in the meantime. I'm confident that, in the end, it will all be well worth it...because in my vision the future looks incredibly positive and productive.

"What does what you want feel like?"What I want just feels "good." In my vision there is ample personal space and and a total absence of hostility or negativity. It FEELS incredibly peaceful and therefore conducive to a positive exchange of thoughts and actions amongst all those who are present. There is also a great sense of accomplishment and progress that I derive from the realization of that vision. It feels like a "sacred space" (life coaching term) where even greater visions can be birthed and possibilities explored. It just feels "good."

"What's next?"Taking the next step means growing and expanding the HOPE Program. I wholeheartedly believe that inmate mentoring/coaching is the means to create a paradigm shift inside every prison. Men who are serving lengthy sentences, quite often "life" sentences, seem to share a deep desire to positively contribute to the prison communities in which they live. The HOPE Program seeks to capitalize on those altruistic intentions by training these men as "life coaches" who will then guide and positively influence the younger men that are more susceptible to negative influences.

Most of us who are serving lengthy sentences inevitably begin to feel much more connected to the prison community within each facility over time. There's a certain sense of shared responsibility amongst us to help positively shape these communities and create an environment that is most conducive to everyone's personal growth and development. The HOPE Program gives us an opportunity to provide that positive influence while working with the younger men who are just coming into the system. By helping them we are also able to help ourselves.

"What about this is important to you?" I'm adamant about trying to make amends for my wrongs whenever possible. I'd like to believe that someday I might finally tip the Karmic scale back in my favor, after doing enough good to counterbalance all the harm I previously caused. Unfortunately, due to my confinement, my family members and loved ones are harmed as well. Until this is over for me, they too will continue to suffer on account of my past . Although they shouldn't have to suffer for my mistakes it is a choice they willfully make each day by continuing to support and stand by me. I'm grateful for their love and support and feel the weight of my responsibility to do right by them. The good that I am able to achieve each day is merely a reflection of the love they have shown me...and there is nothing more important to me than that.

"What did you learn?" I have learned that I still occasionally underestimate my own knowledge and/or abilities in certain circumstances. When I reflect upon recent events and conversations from the past couple of weeks I can recall things that were told to me that I did not question. I simply accepted that person as an absolute authority on the matter and did not challenge the veracity of his statements. In reality, he is in fact no greater authority on the matter than I. What this situation caused me to realize is that although prison shackles may not be secured to my wrists and ankles at this very moment there remain illusionary chains still wrapped around my mind. Obviously, this is something that I need to work on because inevitably the time will arrive for me to walk out that door, and I need to leave ALL of those shackles behind.

"What else?" There is always gratitude to be grateful for..and I cannot understand why so many people seem to lack it in their lives these days. Without it, how can anyone claim to know happiness? When I look around each day I see little gratitude or happiness in the actions or apparent on the faces of the men and women around me, save a few. Most are undisputedly cynical and spiteful, but I keep hoping that eventually they'll come around. By watching them I realize how truly fortunate I am.

I am Happy. I am Healthy.I am Loved.

Part of me feels slightly guilty about the happiness I've found within these confines because there are so many people out there who are unmistakably miserable in their lives. Here I am, in prison, doing good and feeling good when the perception is that I should be the one who is unhappy. Thankfully, there are some people who look at me and find inspiration in what I've accomplished. I only wish that my lesson in gratitude didn't have to come at such a high cost. The people that love and support me definitely didn't deserve everything they had to endure that lead up to this point either. As long as I remain grateful for the present, which is a GIFT (hence the term present), the past will have minimal impact on the love that I freely give and receive to all those who chose to be a part of my life. What else could I possibly wish for under these circumstances???

"What are you willing to give up?" Nothing that means something to me. Occasionally I have to shift my priorities and place something on the "back burner" to simmer while I address more immediate and pressing concerns...but I will never, ever give up on anything that I believe in or feel strongly about.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old my Mom and I moved to New Jersey from Wisconsin. None of the kids in my neighborhood or at school liked me, so I frequently got into fights. Most of those fights were with kids who were older, bigger, and stronger than I was so I didn't "win" too many of them. Sure, I could have walked away from many of those fights, but I didn't, and as a result I learned a very valuable lesson...You have to stand up for yourself. Back then, there was no one to stand up FOR me, so I had to stand alone and endure my persecutors without ever accepting defeat.

One memory still sticks out in my mind as if it had happened just yesterday. There was this one kid in my neighborhood who's father had taught him and his brother how to box at a very young age. The other kids were intimidated and knew to leave he and his brother alone. For some reason, on this particular day he chose to target me and, as usual, I refused to ignore him and back down. So with the entire neighborhood watching, he proceeded to beat me up and down the street as the entire neighborhood cheered him on. It must have been quite entertaining, at least initially, because I can still recall their cheers, but at some point their amusement was lost. They pleaded for me to simply "stay down" on the ground...but I couldn't. Blood poured from my nose, elbows and knees...and my eyes were watering so badly that I could barely see, but every ounce of my being refused to "give up" or "stay down" on the ground. Eventually, they all just walked away and left me standing there alone in the street. It seemed like a small victory at the time but it proved to me a pivotal point in my life that helped to shape me into the man I am today.

I don't mean to imply that anyone should resort to physical violence in an attempt to solve their problems. Quite to the contrary, I've learned that physical confrontation rarely "resolves" any issue and often it only complicates matters more. Good communication is the key to to effective conflict resolution. Nowadays I handle those situations much differently because of all I've learned since my youth, but I haven't lost that spark. No matter what, I will not EVER give up and that's the reason why I am who I am today and have been able to accomplish what I have under these conditions. The adversity of my youth prepared me for the even greater adversity I have faced in adulthood and I am grateful for them both.

"What does your soul say?"I grew up in a Catholic home and attended both Catholic grade school and high school, although not by choice. Despite the heavy indoctrination throughout my parochial school years I never felt very "spiritual." Honestly, there were only two things that I took with me when I was finally asked not to return for my senior year: an affinity for Catholic school girls and the traditional inheritance of "Catholic's Guilt"...the second being partially based upon the first, my natural interest in my female classmates, but mostly it was based upon my wavering belief in church dogma. That strong sense of guilt plagued me throughout my youth. The religious teachings that I had been TOLD were true for so many years simply never rang true FOR ME. It wasn't until I reached adulthood that I began to break free from that sense of guilt and was able to begin exploring my own sense of spirituality, devoid of religion. All these years later, I can confidently proclaim that I am in touch with my true self and no longer feel any lingering sense of guilt. I am at peace with myself and my soul is safe because my life is focused on intentional, positive living.

"What would it take for you to treat yourself like your best client?"The majority of my "clients" come to me because of my knowledge about health and fitness...but the problem is that I'm sometimes reluctant to follow my own best advice. Occasionally, I will attempt (and succeed) to convince myself that conventional wisdom does not apply to me, and I somehow don't need as much rest/recovery time as everyone else. Of course this is merely my own ego speaking. I do realize that, in spite of my unusually high level of conditioning, I still require adequate rest and occasionally even a few consecutive days off to fully recoup and recover. Lately, I've been much better about listening to my body and taking more rest whenever I "feel" like I need it. Now that I'm training solo I'm able to better address all my personal needs instead of attempting to cater to the group of men that I routinely trained each day. This recent solo experience has helped to remind me that I need to treat myself a little better sometimes. I can't always put the needs of others ahead of my own. That realization is precisely what I needed in order for me to treat myself like my best client...but now I need to figure out a way to maintain that attention on myself going forward. Consistency is always the key to longevity but this may prove to be a difficult habit for me to form..although it's obviously worth the effort.

"What gift are you not being responsible for?"Leadership...not all the time but some of the time. There are many men that seek my counsel and guidance but sometimes I am reluctant to give it due to the great responsibility that comes along with it. That reluctance stems from my past and the knowledge that family members and friends of my codefendants still "blame" me for the crimes that were committed and the price each of us has had to pay as a result. Even without their condemnation my conscience weighs heavily due to the realization that I had the ability (even back then) to influence them all in a much more positive and productive manner. My "leadership" was reluctant and haphazard. I viewed them all as grown men who were capable of making their own decisions. However, to simply ignore the fact that I did have SOME influence over the decisions that ultimately lead us all to prison would be a lame attempt to deceive myself and shuck that responsibility.

Even today it is still difficult for me to accept my role as a leader because I fully understand the gravity that role carries within these confines. Prison is a fishbowl...one that I must swim in for the indefinite future..and whatever decisions I make as a leader impact the lives of the men around me, and therefore, they will not soon be forgotten. My "accountability" in this environment is much greater and my audience much less rational. Despite my reservations I now understand and accept the responsibility I have to try and positively influence as many men as possible, because if I do not, then I am leaving that role to be filled by someone who likely does not share my good intentions. Once in a while I simply need to be reminded "why" I've accepted this role....because it is much bigger than just me.

"What benefit is there in the present situation?" No matter how dire the situation may initially appear, there is ALWAYS an opportunity waiting to be discovered. If you can remain confident and patient it will eventually become apparent. Just be careful not to allow your emotions to cloud your perception or rush you to judgment. Eventually you'll see the opportunity in every situation.

"What is the right action?"The "right action" for me at this particular moment is to take a quick shower and a nap. It would be counterproductive for me to attempt to tackle any of the more difficult tasks that I had lined up for today while I'm in this depleted condition. Instead, I'll get cleaned up and rest for awhile and then get back to work once I'm fully recharged and back to operating at optimal levels, both mentally and physically. That's simply the wisest course of action for me right now and I'm grateful to have finally arrived at a point in my life where I realize the importance/value of rest. Sometimes I just need to slow down for a moment, in order to remain productive later and continue moving forward.

Inside Out ProgramThe Inside Out Program was initially envisioned by a group of "lifers" at Graterford State Prison in Pennsylvania who were only able to bring the program to life with the assistance of Temple University Professor Lori Pompa in 1997. Over the years the program has been successfully instituted at hundreds of state prisons across the country. However, the Federal Bureau Of Prisons remained unwilling to permit the program inside any of its facilities until 2008, when the women's prison in Hazelton, working in coordination with the University of West Virginia, was finally granted authorization. Four years later, with a tremendous amount of support from the University of Pittsburgh and a very persistent Criminal Justice Professor by the name of Dr. Tony Gaskew, FCI McKean became the first MALE federal facility to host the program. I was extremely fortunate to have been chosen for that class and am now deeply honored to be able to refer to myself as a "graduate" of that very first class. I hope that the success of my class will encourage the FBOP to expand the Inside Out Program nationwide so that other men can share in what we experienced.

About the program itself...Each Inside Out class consists of approximately 15 "inside students", selected from the general prison population, combined with an equal number of "outside students", selected from the local associated university. The class then meets inside the prison each week, for a full semester, to participate in an accredited college course. The university professor and each of the outside students must all submit to all the rules, regulations and security procedures of the prison in order to gain weekly admittance. Federal facilities are especially restrictive when it comes to allowing non-staff members into the institution, and unfortunately our class experienced that reality first hand when we were delayed or cancelled on more than one occasion due to security concerns. I know that it was a bit intimidating for those outside students initially but, to their credit, they all seemed to value the experience and I never once heard any of them complain.

University professors who are interested in facilitating the Inside Out Program must first attend a special training course inside Graterford State Prison, where the program originated. My Inside Out Professor, Dr. Tony Gaskew was a retired DEA Agent, accomplished author, and highly respected University of Pittsburgh Criminal Justice Professor who completed his training there and then somehow managed to convince certain FBOP officials and FCI McKean Warden Bobby Meeks to allow him to teach from the highly controversial book titled "The New Jim Crow....Mass Incarceration In The Age Of Colorblindness" by Michele Alexander. Dr. Gaskew did a masterful job of providing us with hard statistics, followed by thought provoking inquiries, that always guided our discourse toward a new insight or meaningful conclusion. I can state with great confidence that the diversity of views and well articulated arguments concerning the U.S. criminal justice system shared here at FCI McKean rivaled that found inside any esteemed college classroom or lecture hall across the country.

My Inside Out experience helped to not only reshape my personal vision for the future but it also created a plethora of opportunities that are now transforming that very vision into reality. As I reviewed my weekly "reflection" papers, each one an attempt to articulate of my views concerning our most recent reading assignment or class discussion, I was amazed by all that had transpired over the course of a single semester. When I wrote these papers I had no intention of ever sharing them, primarily because I didn't think anyone would be interested in what I had written. However, after responding to a number of recent queries about them, I figured that posting them as a blog might prove beneficial to the future expansion of the program, and/or to someone else similarly situated. I have no qualms about "putting myself out there" for someone else's benefit.

Please keep in mind that these are only MY personal views, unless a specific source is cited, and they have been shaped by my nearly 17 years of incarceration since the age of 18. Enjoy the read and feel free to leave your questions or comments below...A

"What is your intent?" These days my intent is Always good and my actions accurately reflect that intent. As a result, I possess complete confidence in my actions because I know that what I am doing is "right" even when it's not the most popular choice. I know that as long as I am doing what is "right" there's nothing any one can say or do anything to twist it around and make me wrong.

"Where do you feel it?"...referring to your intuitionIntuition is a funny thing for me. It's difficult to try and describe "where" or "how" I feel it because it's so ephemeral. For me, there is no precise physical sensation. Instead, it's more of an external experience that envelopes my entire being. Even though it's difficult for me to explain, my intuition is very strong and I've learned (through countless bad experiences) to pay close attention to it. Had I done so in the past I likely would not have ended up where I am today...but I had to stay and witness my own crash-disaster.

"What is the simplest solution here?"In my experience rarely has the simplest solution turned out to be the wisest course of action. Generally speaking, the "simplest solution" is merely the quickest and easiest means to an end. Most people today seem much more concerned with completing whatever task is at hand, and in their haste they fail to pay proper attention to the details. Initially, the simplest solution may suffice, but over the long-term those details that were initially neglected will come to light and often they'll greatly reduce the (initially perceived) effectiveness or efficiency of the solution. As Coach Wooden so famously advised, "Be quick but don't hurry." I believe in paying close attention to the details, but I also happen to be a big fan of simplicity. The trick is to find a comprise that doesn't sacrifice the quality of the solution, and I always try to make that part of my plan whenever I set out in search of a solution.

"What is the worst that could happen?" Not to sound morbid but in terms of absolutes the obvious answer would seem to be "death." However, I believe there's actually something far worse than death to be experienced by some while still living. Physical isolation, sensory deprivation, and feelings of abandonment, when combined into a singular experience, become absolute, unending torture of the mind that ultimately ravages and lays waste to the entire mind-body complex....and it's currently happening inside SuperMax Prisons all across this country. There are men, right now, trapped inside their own minds experiencing a literal hell on earth every single day. This "social experiment" has been taking place here in the U.S. for nearly 200 YEARS already despite the blatantly cruel and obviously ineffective results. Thankfully, I've never had to endure such conditions myself but I've known a number of men who have, and each of them was left damaged and suffering as a result of their experiences. I cannot attest to their mental condition prior to their SuperMax confinement but they all demonstrated a variety of similar anti-social, delusional, paranoid behaviors. For them, the prospect of dying might seem, at times, like a pleasant reprieve but I've still got way too much life ahead of me. The worst thing that could happen to me would be spending the rest of my life in here and letting all of my family and friends down in the process...so that's what I remain focused on never allowing to happen. Period.

"What are you committed to?" First and foremost I am committed to my family, my friends and to anyone who I know is relying upon me. I'm sure that commitment stems from my incredibly strong sense of loyalty, which is one of the traits I most admire and prize in others around me. It's amazing how my circle has grown over the course of the last six months in direct relation to the expansion of my commitment to various projects/programs I decided to get involved in. As I unwittingly transitioned into a much more visible position within the prison community, I felt obligated to expand my commitment to the much larger group of men who began to look to me for guidance and support. As a result, I've had to become even more aware of what's best for ALL of the men around me as opposed to what's best for just me personally. I believe that the commitment I've shown to doing what's best for everyone has already won me the trust of all the men around me and it will continue to win me even greater support and trust in the future.

"What is your vision for yourself and the people around you?"I envision myself and all of the people around me (in here) remaining at the forefront of the Reentry Movement as it continues to gain momentum. The changes that are now taking place will have a dramatic impact on the future of incarceration in this country IF they are permitted to continue, and that's something I definitely want to be a part of. I believe that those of us who are already involved in the movement share that vision and we are all fully committed to making whatever changes are necessary going forward in order to achieve it. This year, 2013, will undoubtedly be one that we will all look back upon fondly and remember.

"What is your heart telling you?" Right now, my heart is telling me to trust and believe in all of the people around me despite the rebellion of my rational mind. I've been burned in the past, so I know where that fear stems from, but I'm going to listen to my heart anyway. As they say, "Nothing ventured is nothing gained," and a broken heart will always heal, so I'm "all in."

"Where do you want to make a difference in your life?"Today I was reminded that occasionally I get a little too caught up in my projects helping others and end up neglecting my own personal health and well-being. I know that if I don't take care of myself FIRST then I won't have anything left to share with others later, possibly when they need my help the most. The reason I'm ill right now has everything to do with the mental fatigue I'm experiencing due to all of the stress I'm under to meet all these project deadlines. My immediate concern has to be addressing this mental/physical imbalance I've created as a result of that stress. Some extra rest, quiet contemplation/mediation and a refocus of my positive intentions (inward) will undoubtedly improve the situation of my health and I'm certain that this added self-lovin can go a very long way toward helping me to achieve both my short and long term goals. However, I need to be a bit more proactive in the future in order to avoid a reoccurrence and that's the difference that I really need to make.

"What do you value most in your relationships with others?"Love and Loyalty are the two qualities that I seek out in any relationship I choose to cultivate, and I think that's how it's always been for me. Unfortunately, I spent most of my life giving my love and loyalty to people who not only didn't reciprocate it but also definitely didn't deserve it. Admittedly, I'm equally as guilty of treating others just as callously by withholding my love and loyalty from those who genuinely did deserve it. Yet all that heartache and disappointment wasn't entirely in vain for those experiences are what have allowed me to truly appreciate the abundance of love and loyalty that I now share with so many people in my life. ALL of my relationships today are much more deep and meaningful than I ever thought possible because of my damaged and complicated past.

"What works for you when you are successful at making changes?" The more quickly I can see or perceive positive results the more motivated I am to stay on course and keep pressing onward toward my goal. The true challenge arises when the results are not immediately evident but must instead be anticipated at some distant point in the future. Self doubt and impatience can begin to creep in and threaten to sabotage the change before it's had a chance to take root and bare fruit. Somewhat strangely, the length of my prison term has dramatically altered my perception of time, and as a result, granted me the ability to better envision what the future might hold once certain changes are finally implemented. My ability to remain objective about the future has allowed me to foresee all the positive aspects of most changes before they take place and predetermine how they might positively impact my life. That objectivity has served me very well thus far.

"Where do you usually get stuck?"Occasionally I'll get stuck in one of my routines and not be able to brake myself out of it, even though I know I should let it go and move on. The reason is that once I commit myself to any routine, whether it has to do with nutrition, physical fitness, work schedule, etc., I'm become fully devoted to attaining my goal and feel like if I break that routine I'm somehow giving up on my goal...even when I'm not actually "giving up" but simply changing course. It's not rational, and I realize this, but it's still difficult for me to overcome that reluctance. I find myself stuck in that old routine until I can convince myself that it's absolutely necessary to change. And that's something that I know I need to keep working on if I want to make my life more productive and efficient.

"How do you deal with disappointment or failure?"My last big disappointment arrived in the mail...it was a letter from the United States Supreme Court back in 2005 denying my final appeal. I carried the letter up to my cell, placed a towel over the window in my cell door, and proceeded to unleash 5 years worth of anger and frustration that had been pent up inside me. It only lasted about 10 minutes and once I had tired myself out I became very calm...followed by a moment of complete clarity. I knew in that moment that I had arrived at a crossroads in my life and had a very serious decision to make about which path I was going to take. For years I had allowed my negative emotions to motivate me, and I knew that if I allowed that negativity to continue to drive me I would eventually be consumed by it and lose everything that I still cared about. Instead, I chose the uncertain path of "Hope" with no idea of where it might lead me. That day, alone in my cell, I chose to live and that's precisely why I'm able to sit here and write this today.

"How are you about doing what you say you'll do?"Whenever I commit myself to something I'll do whatever is necessary to see it through to completion. It hasn't always been that way but that's how I am today and I'm proud to say that people now know they can depend on me. The only problem that I occasionally encounter is completing all of my goals/commitments as quickly as I would like. You would think that I have all the time in the world considering that I'm in prison but the reality is that the structure of this environment, with the emphasis being on security, leads to an incredibly inefficient expenditure of time each day. I do my best to maximize the time that is afforded to me but I know that I could do much more/better with only a little more liberty. So the trick becomes knowing when to say "no" and committing to too much. As long as I keep from spreading myself to thin then I know I'll always be able to keep my commitments AND complete them according to the schedule I've set despite the many expected, and unexpected, interruptions that are commonplace.

"What is missing here?"A constant feminine presence is necessary to restore the natural balance and order of this environment. I've lived in an exclusively male environment for 13 years now and the imbalance is impossible to ignore. There are a few women that work within these confines but our interaction with them is, for the most part, distant and impersonal. Many of the men I know well have become increasingly uncomfortable in their relationships with women the longer they've remained in this environment. For eight years, I had almost no physical contact with any woman. Then, when my girlfriend began visiting me on a consistent basis, it quickly became apparent that I had developed some serious issues due to the prolonged physical separation I'd endured. I'd like to think that I was fairly suave before I came to prison so this discomfort was quite disconcerting. Thankfully, she was patient with me and over time there was a return to normalcy so to speak...as normal as can be considering our situation. The simple act of holding her hand and looking into her eyes throughout an entire conversation allowed me to develop a more deep and intimate connection with her than any I'd ever known before. But the down side to that was/is that when she's not here that perfect balance I found is gone...and I'm constantly reminded that she is what's missing.

"How is this person contributing to the quality of your life?"I've had to ask myself this question quite often lately and I have come to wonder why I wasn't asking it more often previously. I spent many years in a bad place with bad men who did bad things and I have to remind myself that this place is much different. These are, for the most part, generally good men who simply made some bad choices. Big difference between here and the penitentiary. However, even good guys need to consistently make good choices or I don't want to be around them. All of the relationships that I've chosen to invest myself in are mutually beneficial, even if they don't always appear that way at first glance. I believe that every "healthy" relationship requires an exchange of thoughts and emotions. That exchange doesn't have to be equal per se but both individuals need to contribute and take away something of value to them personally. I feel like we should all aspire to inspire, motivate, and support one another toward the accomplishment of our goals, and in doing so we will, inevitably, positively affect the quality of our lives. Our relationships need that fluid and steady exchange in order to be healthy and successful in the long term.

"What is motivating you?"My greatest motivation comes from knowing that there are people who not only believe in me but who have invested their time, money, energy into my future success...and I don't ever want to let them down. I feel a great sense of responsibility toward all of those supporters and thus I feel compelled to exert my maximum effort toward accomplishing any goal that I set for myself. If it was only about me I might ease up at times and not give my max effort because my actions wouldn't affect anyone but me. However, it's that sense of responsibility to others that keeps me highly motivated each and every day.

"What comes first?"There is always a thought process that precedes any action and that's where it all really begins. For a period during my youth this process seemed almost non-existent. After years of bullying I had become conditioned to respond aggressively, almost reflexively, at the first sign of confrontation. Understandably, this behavior led to many problems for both me and my family. It was an incredibly difficult task to learn how to slow down that thought process, but once I did my life began to improve dramatically. Obviously, the lengthening of that thought process didn't automatically improve the QUALITY of my thoughts because I still ended up in prison. The point is that once I began paying more attention to that initial thought process the more effective my subsequent actions seemed to become. Nowadays, I always try to envision myself five or six steps ahead of every move I actually make and that practice has serves me well and keeps me safe.

"What else is left to do to have this be complete?"Right now I'm preparing to co-facilitate a revised Victim Impact Course and I'm not even sure what more needs to be done before it feels like it's "complete". I know that adequate preparation is absolutely essential if I hope to deliver an engaging presentation that captures the attention of every participant so I'm a little nervous right now. We are planning to have a group of 80 total participants and that will be, by far, the largest group that I have ever worked with in this type of setting. Admittedly, I'm not very comfortable standing in front of a large crowd but I always look forward to these sorts of opportunities to step outside of my comfort zone and conquer my insecurities. The fitness courses that I also teach give me an opportunity to work with about 40 men on a consistent basis, but that's a very different setting which falls much more within my comfort zone. So to answer the question about what else needs to be done for this to be complete I'd have to say that I need to master all of the material and then simply step out there in front of the group and initiate the dialogue. I'm confident that as long as I am well prepared I can facilitate a meaningful and productive exchange of ideas amongst all the participants, and that's the goal.

"If money was no concern and you had all the time and money in the world, what would you do?"First, I would address all of my own personal health and wellness issues. Laser surgery for my eyes so that I didn't have to worry about glasses. Veneers for my teeth so that I could smile more brightly and confidently. Surgical repair of my knee so that I could move more agilely without concern. A personal chef to ensure the availability of healthy meals for myself and my family. And once those issues were addressed I could turn ALL of my attention toward helping others. The most effective way to do that would be to form my own "action group" of leaders. Each of them be responsible for the coordination/completion of certain projects that I would devise. Over the course of the past few years I've had a number of projects where I was unable to recruit the right people to help me fully develop those ideas. An unlimited supply of time and money would make it much easier to get people to work with me, or for me, because I would have all the necessary resources to facilitate the projects myself. Money may not be everything, but it definitely makes certain things much more easily attainable. Choosing to pay people to help me devise ways to help other people seems like a wise investment strategy to me.

"What do you have invested in continuing to do it this way?"All of us have an inherent aversion to change. We are creatures of habit and it is therefore incredibly difficult for us to break our habits even when we know that they are harmful to our health and well being. Change becomes even more difficult to accept when it occurs at a time of stability, when everything seems to be running smoothly in our lives. The oft repeated question of "why fix something that is not broken?" immediately comes to mind in our defense against change. However, it is the nature of our spirit to continually evolve throughout the duration of our lives, despite the frequent protests of our minds. Once we learn to accept and understand this force of nature/spirit we can then allow ourselves to flow like water overtop and around any obstacles that lie in our path....and we can flow along the current of life with great strength, persistence and flexibility.

"How am I best suited to serve humanity?"That's a rather bold question because it implies that I have something of benefit to offer everyone else on the planet. I guess that I would have to say that the way I've chosen to live my life in the face of seemingly great adversity is a testament to the power of hope and optimism. I'm well aware that people often use me and the situation that I am in as a sort of guidepost for their own struggles - they've told me as much on numerous occasions. They look at my response to the situation that I am in and tell themselves (and me) that if I can thrive under these conditions then so too should they be able to make the best of whatever situation they find themselves in. And I'm good with that scenario since they are using me as a positive example to improve their own lives. Actually, that knowledge inspires me to accomplish even more because I know that I'm contributing to a positive cycle which will one day result in my own "happy ending"...so it's really a "win/win situation" for us all.

Presently, I have a multitude of opportunities laid out before me. However, along with each opportunity also comes greater responsibilities. The benefit of this situation is that I am in a position to choose which opportunities are best aligned with both my short and long term goals before I fully invest all of myself into any one of them. It's highly unusual to experience such an advantageous situation within this environment (prison) and I am determined to make the most of it. Clearly, my future lies in my own hands.

"What's the right action?"

One of my favorite quotes/statements on this subject, which is really about integrity and accountability, comes from a well known Professor of Linguistics and Philosophy at MIT named Noam Chomsky. "Sometimes we have to do the wrong thing but for the right reasons (like invading a foreign country to depose a genocidal leader but killing and displacing tens of thousands of innocent civilians in the process - for the greater good of the country/people) What's most important is that we acknowledge our wrong-doing and not try to convince ourselves, or others, that what we did was the right thing."

For me personally, the "right action" always has to include consideration of everyone and everything outside of the immediate situation. The "big picture" must be considered or else the immediate action could prove to be much more harmful in the future. Often times, choosing the right action requires some considerable sacrifice in the short term in order to achieve a the best long term result for everyone. Simply stated, the right action, in my opinion, is always going to be much larger than one's self.

"What decision would you make from a place of abundance?""Abundance has been a difficult concept for me to fully embrace because I have lived from month to month for so many years. I've endured periods of incarceration when I didn't know if there would be anyone willing to accept my call or if I'd have the money to purchase the bare essentials (soap and toothpaste) from the prison commissary. Over the years, as I have learned to "allow" myself to live from a place of abundance I have been rewarded with increased love, money, and resources...but occasionally that fear creeps in and reminds me that it could all vanish within an instant. Thankfully, that fear is fleeting and it is quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all that I have and that is what keeps me living in a place of abundance. My life is exceptionally good right now and it continues to get a little better, even more abundant, each and every day.

"What other choices do you have?" My choices are infinite. The greatest mistakes that I have made arose out of desperate moments when I believed that I had no other choice to make. It was the story of Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp who survived and later wrote about how he chose to deal with his experience as it was taking place, that made the greatest impact on my own perception of the choices available to me every day. Simply choosing which thoughts to entertain and which to dismiss was a foreign concept that, once employed, helped me to reshape my life. However, since initially acquiring that knowledge there have still been a few "lapses" of practice, sometimes lasting years, when I regressed and had to experience the perilous results. So now, each day I silently remind myself that I am in fact the master of my own fate...and my future is the result of every little choice I make.

"What are the greatest influences in your life right now?" My circle of influence is comprised of individuals both near and far and it is my intention for each of these relationships to be mutually beneficial. The people that I choose to interact with daily are my greatest influence and it is my hope that they are also positively influenced by me in some way. Whenever I notice that one of them is feeling down I try to lift them up and whenever one of them is flying high I'm inspired to spread my own wings and take flight beside them. I realize how incredibly fortunate I am to have so many positive and inspiring people in my life, especially when you consider the fact that I live in prison where negativity generally thrives. However, this place, at this time, is full like-minded individuals who are all genuinely interested in shaping a brighter future ourselves, each other, and all those around us.

"What do you really, really, want?" A shot of Redemption with a chaser of real-world success. That "success" includes a wife, 2 or 3 children, pit bulls named Achilles and Athena, a couple of cars, a nice home someplace warm, a thriving family business and the respect of all our neighbors, friends, family, and community members.

"What aren't you telling me?"The one thing that I refuse to comment on anymore is the negativity of this environment (prison) because I believe that it would only serve to give that negativity greater power and influence. Instead, I choose to live above it and keep my eyes focused on the because..."I believe that if one always looked at the skies, one would end up with wings." (Gustave Flaubert) What I've witnessed over the years in here has taught me to be cautious but, surprisingly, it hasn't made me either cynical or pessimistic. Instead, I've chosen to leave the past behind and remain focused on the future, so the parts that I'm not telling you really aren't worth mentioning since they won't do any of us any good by speaking about them.

"What haven't I asked you that I should ask?" The question that everyone wants to know, but few people ever build up the courage to ask, is..."How did you end up with 213 years?" The simple explanation is that I refused to cooperate with the government. And in all fairness, the government never wanted to impose this sentence but they left themselves with no choice due to mandatory minimum sentencing laws. Their intention was merely to threaten me with hundreds of years in prison so that I would cooperate with them and provide the information they wanted about another criminal enterprise. In reality, this scare tactic works 99% of the time and criminal defendants provide whatever statements the government requires, regardless of whether or not they are even entirely true, in exchange for leniency in their own criminal matter. Admittedly, I committed a number of crimes and should be held accountable for those acts. However, I refused, and have no regrets about doing so, to exchange another person's life for my own by implicating them in a crime so that I might walk free. Unfortunately, that is the way our criminal justice system now operates but few people are aware of this reality. Hopefully the front page article in the USA Today for 12/14/12 helped to begin a long overdue discussion about the way our criminal justice system has come to operate. As for me personally, I'm confident that common sense will prevail at some point, thesedraconian mandatory minimum sentences that shackle me will be overturned and I'll be set free. Just ask me what my plans are for the future and I'll tell you.

Author

I'm definitely NOT just your average guy that's doin' time...According to the Federal Bureau Of Prisons I still owe them a couple more centuries before they'll let me outta here. Despite my current predicament I've decided to fully embrace the immortal words of my man, the O.G. of Cool, Mr. James Dean who said to "Dream as if you'll live forever and live as if you'll die today". I may be stuck physically here in prison but I sure as hell ain't dead yet...in fact I figure that I'm still about 60 to 70 years away from my final day but that won't make me change the way I'm living today. This blog is my window out into the world and while I'm looking out you may just catch a glimpse inside mine. Let me know if you like what you see... and if you don't, feel free to disagree and let me know what's really on your mind.