E! News has learned exclusively that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are set to tie the knot on Saturday, April 25, in an undisclosed location in Pasadena, Calif.

“This will be the real wedding,” says a source close to the couple, who last November staged a fake wedding for cameras in Mexico. “It’s being filmed as the season finale for The Hills.”

Sure, this disastrously bad decision might seem like a good idea now, as a last gasp attempt to grab media attention during the remaining few weeks of a reality show that stopped being relevant two years ago, but it’s obviously doomed. Which is exactly how it’s going to be described in 18 months to the two divorce lawyers hired to handle the bitter disentangling of their two miserable lives. “Your honor, much like the crew of Apollo 13 used the gravity of the moon to slingshot themselves back to the safety of Earth, so did my client attempt to use the gravity of his then fiance, Mr. Montag’s, minor, somewhat depressing celebrity to promote his own career as a ‘hip hop performer’ and beard-hair gel enthusiast.”

I have already dedicated more words to this than it deserves. They are the worst and I am so glad that they’re almost gone. I rest my case.