[splat-uhs-FEER-ik] adj. The kind of rebound that doesn't go exactly as planned.

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Friday, August 31, 2012

Splat-ters of the Week: John Mayer and Katy Perry

This week’s splat-ters get short shrift because I have to pack for a trip to Georgia.(I’m so frazzled I don’t even have time to refer to myself in the plural.) Mybrother and sister-in-law live there and are parents to my beautiful 4 month-old nephew, Baby B.The two had an opportunity to get away for a few days if they could line up childcare, so I jumped at the chance to do a stint as Aunt In Residence with Baby B.

The Aunt In Residence program is not new.I piloted this groundbreaking initiative over a 9 month period while living in Herndon last year with my sister, brother-in-law, 9 year-old niece and 8 year-old nephew.The curriculum at that time consisted of a single course-- “Sarcasm: Walking the Fine Line Between ‘Funny’ and ‘Grounded’”—but it was a rousing success so expansion was just a matter of time.Borrowing the Law & Order franchise model, this weekend I’m rolling out Aunt In Residence: Infant Care Unit.

I started working on the AIR ICU syllabus the moment my brother bought my plane ticket.I have only two days with B so the agenda is tight. Day 1 will focus on the humanities, such as Art and Music Appreciation.Baby B’s aptitude in both areas will be measured by his response to seminal audio and visual works.On Day 2, we’ll turn to math and science.Results will be reported here so stay tuned.

Speaking of tunes, the award this week goes to John Mayer and Katy Perry for being not just accomplished singers and songwriters, but also talented splitters and splat-ters.

Perry’s 14-month marriage—a life sentence by my standards --supposedly left her “wide awake” but not alert enough to steer clear of the likes of John Player, er, Mayer (or primary colors in hair dye but that’s a separate issue).

Mayer is not just a formidable musical talent but also a leading jerk thanks to his well-known dating antics and his inability to refrain from making appalling comments about them.After a 2010 interview that broadcast the most horrifying of these, Mayer generated so much negative publicity it would’ve taken Usain Bolt to outrun it.Mayer's solution was to become a recluse and hide in Montana, like a less explosive Ted Kaczynski.

Mayer stayed out of the limelight until Rolling Stone interviewed him a couple months ago, just before he and Perry were linked romantically.The singer sounded contrite.

Both he and Perry desperately needed a good rebound.But sometimes two negatives do not make a positive and this was one of those times.Mayer pulled the plug on the relationship via email, proving that “contrite” is actually a compound word comprised of “con” and “trite.”

These two are splat-tastic and have earned their golden pancakes. No doubt they’d rather win a Grammy.

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About Me

I turned 40 in June of 2011. Shortly thereafter I realized I needed to end my 10-month marriage. Making this decision was difficult --you don't exactly brag about being married a Kardashian length of time-- but the mechanics of executing this huge fresh start (and a whole series of related little ones) proved even more daunting. My attempts to bounce back --both recent and not--haven't always ricocheted off the proverbial wall with the gusto I envisioned. Sometimes they hit it with a resounding "splat" and slide down before landing in a heap on the dirt. This blog chronicles adventures in splats --largely mine but guest splatters will be featured as well--with the hope that the posts will evoke laughter, provoke the occasional thought, and prove that even the messiest ones usually work out just fine. Eventually.

Have You Ever Splat-ted? Tell me about it!

Have a good "splat" story to share? Email me at splatospheric@gmail.com. (Names and other incriminating details can be changed to protect the splatted, of course!) I'd like to write about other people's adventures as well as my own. While I'm vain enough to have started a blog, I have just enough self awareness to know that not everyone will find me as interesting as I do. There's simply no accounting for taste.