Bullying talk brings out concerns

KENNEBUNK — Frustrated parents vented their anger over the amount of abusive behavior among Kennebunk's students at a presentation on bullying Sept. 11

Jan Brennan

KENNEBUNK — Frustrated parents vented their anger over the amount of abusive behavior among Kennebunk's students at a presentation on bullying Sept. 11

"There's a problem in this town and it's being ignored," one mother told the school administrators present.

Another mother challenged RSU 21 Assistant Superintendent Sara Zito to "step up and implement some programs."

Her wish had already been partially granted by that evening's program. Lynn Lyons, a psychotherapist in Concord, N.H., spoke to the public in the Kennebunk Elementary School gym after spending a full day working with students and teachers at the elementary, middle school and high school levels. About three dozen people attended the 5:30 p.m. session, most of them mothers of middle-schoolers.

In a fast-paced, 90-minute presentation that was dense with information but enlivened with humor, Lyons explained the legal definition of bullying and how it differs from "mean behavior." She described the three types of bullies, touched on the exploding problem of cyberbullying, and gave practical advice on how parents and teachers can deal with bullying.

Lyons busted some common myths, such as: "Being harassed builds character" (wrong, she said; it's more likely to lead to depression). "Victims bring it on themselves (in fact, they are often targeted for factors they can't control, such as their height or a disability). And "the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore him" (this won't work with the "socially dominant" type of bully because the victim is less important to him than the response he gets from his audience).

Most of Lyons' advice centered on victims.

"I'm not in the business of fixing bullies; I'm in the business of helping targets. It's more possible, I guess," she said.

In her quarter-century as a therapist, she said she's come to realize that "You can't do much with (the socially dominant) type of bully," because they see violence as positive, enjoy their power, have abundant self-esteem and lack empathy. Their victims often feel isolated and hopeless, and this situation can be alleviated with support from peers, parents and teachers, she said.

Lyons explained one technique she taught to students during her workshops in the schools earlier that day: standing up for the victim. This simple act, in which student bystanders stand next to the bully's target, "won't stop bullying, but it saves the victim from feeling isolated," she said.

When Lyons opened the floor for questions, parents shared their children's personal stories of abuse. One mother, near tears, described how her son's first day of school started with a boy on the bus telling her son: "You're autistic; you're stupid."

Another mother said, "We had to pull our daughter out of school and send her to a private school in Portland. It's expensive, but worth it for her mental health."

One woman described how her middle school daughter was pushed out of a chair, twice. When the woman met with school officials, she said "they were sympathetic, but said 'That's been going on for 200 years.'" The bully was sent to the counselor but not otherwise punished, she said.

Some in the audience blamed the parents of bullies, who, when faced with other parents' complaints, defend their children and refuse to work on solving the situation. Others accused school officials of not doing enough. Lyons countered that by saying the district brought her in to conduct the day's workshops, splitting the cost with Kennebunkport's South Congregational Church's Outreach Program.

Zito explained that the bullying workshops were organized by the district's Positive Climate Committee, which works to improve the environment in schools. A member of that committee, Kennebunk High School teacher Judith Pitchforth, was instrumental in getting funding from the church, she said.

Zito emphasized that Lyons worked with every teacher in the district and every Middle School of the Kennebunks and KHS student. Lyons said the middle schoolers gave her a standing ovation, and the high schoolers listened attentively during her hour-long talk as they sat in the gym that was approaching 100 degrees last Wednesday. Lyons said that during her workshop the high schoolers told her that "bullying is not a problem," but many came up later and privately told her, "We needed this."

The emotional session ended on a positive note when KHS Principal Susan Cressey said: "I can't tell you how many students came in my office after the presentation and said 'Let's get something started! Let's do something about this!' ... There was a spark lit today."

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