Posts Tagged ‘Ick.’

This is what happens when you take off your glasses, start washing your face, and innocently take a step backwards.
I’m not quite sure whether I felt something under my heel or heard the crunch first, but either way, I was unprepared for the in-your-face projectile vomit opportunity that is/was this squashed gargantuan cockroach.

We apparently have 19 species of roaches here in Hawaii. Super. I’m familiar with two. That’s 17 surprises to look forward to…and who doesn’t love a surprise?

I’m still looking (unfortunately) for a used (VERY unfortunately) couch.

I’ve narrowed it down: I want a black or a white couch. Microsuede or leather/faux leather. An L-shape or one that converts into a bed is preferred. My price point is low, but I have *some* standards as follows:

Cleanish or cleanable

Comfortable

No STDs or other communicable diseases

Not previously used as a toilet.

No dead bodies or other carcasses inside.

Otherwise, I’m pretty open…or I was.

Enter the latest contestant (above left): seemed reasonable. Good communication from the owner. She said there were “a couple stains” that “could be easily cleaned.” I am a trusting person. I acted on good faith.

This would have been preferable to the sight that awaited me inside.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Probably the last thing you want to hear when approaching the front door of the home currently housing said used couch is the following conversation:

ADULT FEMALE: “Why would you do this on the floor!?”

CHILD: “I don’t know.”

ADULT FEMALE: “Where do we make poop?”

CHILD: “I don’t know.”

ADULT FEMALE: “We make poop in the toilet, right?”

CHILD: “Right.”

ADULT FEMALE: “Then why did you poop on the floor?”

Ummm…floor or couch for sale? Or should I even ponder such horrible thoughts?

I continued to wait outside and the mother carried on inside discussing the housebreaking issue at hand. As the seconds ticked by and the number of children sitting on the floor (three) became clear, my mind started racing, I considered plain old leaving. The situation seemed dubious…if not worse.

Oddly - or maybe not - if you type in "horrible couch" this shows up in Google Images. In a vague way, it's reminiscent of the horror of that couch...

However, seconds later and before I could sneak off, another small child – this one about six – led me inside to take a look at what can best be described as the Typhoid Mary of couches.

It was heinous.

It wasn’t white. I don’t know where they got the photo above, but what I was looking at was 42 shades of dirty: gray, black, brown, puce, awful, gross, scabies, head lice, upchuck and grime.

OMFG it was an atrocity.

I almost regret not taking a picture, but I ran out of there so fast, thinking only of my own survival. I was wishing I had a bottle of bleach to pour over my head or at least some Lysol. Probably the CDC should be alerted about the existence of that couch before an outbreak ensues. In all honesty, the right thing to do would be to return, douse it in gasoline and throw a match at it, but gas is so expensive on this island…

Serenity now!!!

All I can do now is try to forget, and stare at this picture of the beautiful, pristine, CLEAN couch I would actually like to have, if only life was fair…

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