This blog is not for the light-hearted or easily offended. If either one of those descriptions applies to you, i would suggest you start drinking before you read this blog. A sense of humor is suggested. If you don't have one that sucks for you … find one and get a life!

In which they’re tier 2

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(I know this is ANOTHER post written in the bar but I’ll write a post about how Andie and I ended up drinking in a bar all alone in Vermont after this post, ok?)

I’m sitting here in a bar in Bennington Vermont with my tier two child, Andie MacDonald. What is a tier 2 child? Are you on the edge of your seat? Well, I’ll tell you. Here’s the history:

Last week, Andie and I were sitting on the couch last week and Andie said “you were really lucky with your kids” and I said to her “i wanted to have really good kids and I just had you guys.” Andie said “what does that mean” and I said “I mean you guys are OKAY, you know you’re doing pretty well, but you don’t speak multiple languages or play any instruments to the point of national recognition and you haven’t been to the olympics…so you’re basically just tier 2 children.”

Let me explain what the tiers are:

Tier 1 Children:

speak multiple languages, do something to get to the Olympics, get major awards and/or scholarships. Do something to make the parents the envy of all other parents. Andie would have had a chance if she had gotten a med school scholarship. Daniel needs to achieve success and buy me a private jet and Keely needs to get me a pitch meeting.

Tier 2 Children:

You know, like my kids. Great grades, great schools, funny, witty, charming, attractive and yet doing nothing to enhance the quality of my life.

Tier 3 Children:

your children (hahahaha) Andie says “don’t say that because you’ve been drinking” but whatever. These kids are great: polite, good grades, good schools, doing you proud but seriously? What the hell are they bringing to the table?

Tier 4 Children:

squandering good opportunties, not doing well in school. Pretty much like I was as a kid!

Tier 5 Children:

Prison, drugs, annoying, a total drain on your mental capacity!

Tier 6 Children:

murder their parents in bed!

Tier 7 Children:

murder their parents in broad daylight (seriously, don’t even have the decency to wait until it’s dark out? WTF?!)

Anyway, I was trying to explain the tier system to my sister-in-law and she was telling me that she had Tier 1 Children and I had to interrupt her and say “Sue, there’s no way that your children are Tier 1! They’re tier 2 at best” which Andie found offensive and it’s possible that Sue did too! Just saying!

Ok, Andie and I are bored now and our lives in Candy Crush Saga have regenerated so see ya!

Lmao!! But what if they’re funny? They should get some points there, shouldn’t they? My kids aren’t going to make it to the Olympics because I’m not willing to invest the time it would take and they’re really not all that coordinated, but when fart jokes take over youtube, my boys are going to own that!