I’ll be your tour guide because, while I no longer live there, psychologically I never really left the rock.

Enjoy a tasty frozen cocktail and views of the harbor at the Tiki Bar at Marina Cafe in Staten Island.Gabi Porter

Like many “Islanders,” I was born in Brooklyn. My childhood in Sunset Park was spent, ironically, nowhere near the actual park because in the 1970s it was more mean than green, and my parents preferred I not play with hypodermic needles.

My folks — an Irish-American hard hat and Puerto Rican typist whose wedding could have inspired “West Side Story” — dreamed of moving their young sons from our tiny fourth-floor walk-up to the emerald hills across the Narrows. And we finally made it when I was 8 years old, albeit closer to the brown slopes of the landfill.

We squeezed three families into a duplex — the Fernandez cousins upstairs, the McPolins in the middle, our grandparents in the basement. Our neighbors — contrary to the myth that SI is a homogenous, racist backwater — were of every creed and ethnicity, and they welcomed us. We spent 20 years in Great Kills, a place much happier than its homicidal name suggests. Here’s what I learned there:

Locals are friendly and unpretentious, but carry a chip on their shoulder the size of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge, with good reason.

First, City Hall deemed SI the only borough unworthy of a bridge, tunnel or train to Manhattan.

Then, for half a century, it piled the festering daily refuse of 8 million New Yorkers into a foul, unlined pit called the Fresh Kills Landfill — a dump so big it was reportedly visible from space.

Let’s get one thing straight — only three of the cast members were from Staten Island. And Snooki wasn’t one of them.

If you can manage to mothball the stereotypes, treasures await you in the bitterest borough.

Elitists beware. We can smell you from a mile away. Just ask Mayor Bloomberg, who almost lost a hand to Staten Island Chuck, our resident groundhog.

Leave the hipster attitude behind in this bedroom community of cops, firemen and Mafia hitmen. And don’t make any sudden moves. Richmond County has more registered guns per capita than anywhere in NYC. It’s where house burglars come to die.

But enough education. Time to pull on your moisture-wicking wife-beater and take the full-day tour of my island paradise.

History

Gambino godfather Paul Castellano made his home at 177 Benedict Rd.Christian Johnston

Explore the island’s storied Mafia history and check out two — one real, one fake — godfather homes. The real one is a columned neoclassical mansion at 177 Benedict Road built by the late Gambino godfather Paul Castellano on Todt Hill, an enclave of multimillion-dollar mansions atop the highest point on the Eastern Seaboard.

“The Godfather” was shot at 100 Longfellow Ave.Christian Johnston

The “fake” one is an eight-bedroom Tudor at 110 Longfellow Ave. on Emerson Hill that served as the Corleone compound in “The Godfather” and featured prominently in the film’s opening wedding scene. Both are private dwellings, so try not to get arrested for breaking and entering.

Speaking of the Mob, SI is where a young John Gotti made his bones — helping to rub out an Irish thug and then adhering to omertà and not revealing his partners in crime when he was pinched. (You’ll encounter a similar code of icy silence from pizzeria countermen here if you mispronounce “parmigiana” while ordering a meatball hero.)

Gotti went on to order the execution of Castellano by a gaggle of hitmen in furry Russian hats, only to be taken down himself by his best friend-turned-rat, Sammy “The Bull” Gravano — another Staten Islander.

The Island has a long tradition of harboring felons — and they don’t just commit crimes, they make history: from Watergate (Jeb Stuart Magruder) to Abscam (Congressman John Murphy) to bank robbery (Willie Sutton) to Alamo butchery (Santa Anna) to fatal gunplay (Aaron Burr) to seemingly, half the cast of “mob Wives.”

For a more savory look at the past, check out Fort Wadsworth (210 New York Ave.), a 17th-century fortress that once guarded NY Harbor and boasts a spectacular vista of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge. Explore the site at night via the “lantern tour” (call 718-338-3799 for reservations) or check out the goats by day. Yep, I said goats — the park rangers use them to keep the site clear of weeds.

Artisanal brews

At Flagship Brewery, enjoy live music and great beer.

Hop off the ferry and walk just a few steps to the city’s newest brewhouse, Flagship Brewery (40 Minthorne St.; 718-448-5284). It boasts “unforgettable beer brewed in the forgotten borough,” and its $8 flights of wit, pale and summer ales and mild dark proves it. The eclectic clientele sways to live music on weekends. The island’s beer scene is just getting tapped. Brooklyn Brewery is looking to move its plant to SI in 2017.

Culture

Gaze upon colorful Buddhist artifacts, and perhaps a celebrity, at the Museum of Tibetan Art.Chad Rachman

Get your Zen on at the Jacques Marchais Museum of Tibetan Art, a leafy retreat (338 Lighthouse Ave.; 718-987-3500) atop Lighthouse Hill, another high-altitude pocket of opulence — including the only residence in NYC designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. Visit for the Nepali art or the irony — a Himalayan monastery smack in the middle of a borough not exactly known for its inner peace. Take your shoes off before entering the chanting hall, and pray Richard Gere or Uma Thurman, regular visitors, don’t step on your toes.

Just downhill from the lighthouse, every day is a throwback at Historic Richmond Town (441 Clarke Ave.), a charming village of restored 17th-century structures. Costumed colonists take you on daily guided tours, and you can watch retro films on select summer nights at its drive-in theater. Across the street is the seriously spooky colonial graveyard of St. Andrew’s Church.

Nightlife

Sip sangria and eat sushi before salsa lessons at South Fin Grill.Christian Johnston

On Wednesdays, head to the South Fin Grill (300 Father Capodanno Blvd.; 718-447-7679), an upscale eatery on the boardwalk, for salsa lessons with sangria-soaked locals. The dancing starts at 8 p.m. On Saturday nights, grab a nightcap at Above (Hilton Garden Inn, 1100 South Ave.; 718-477-2400), SI’s only rooftop lounge. Enjoy uniquely Staten Island views of the now-closed landfill, New Jersey and a highway interchange. One online reviewer gratefully noted the space manages to squeeze in a vast number of “guidos and guidettes . . . without alienating those [who] aren’t said guidos and guidettes.”

A beautiful waterfront

The beautiful, 2.5-mile-long FDR Boardwalk is Staten Island’s less crowded version of Coney Island. Christian Johnston)Throughout the summer, there’s a festive vibe with food vendors and games.Christian Johnston

Head to Great Kills Harbor and you’ll think you’ve stepped into a New England fishing village — marinas ringing a placid bay, sailboats bobbing at their moorings, salty dogs hauling the day’s catch onto the dock. On the eastern side of harbor (enter on Buffalo Street) — part of Gateway National Recreation Area — find gently lapping surf on lifeguarded beaches, a boat launch, fishing bulkheads, walking trails and old guys playing cards at picnic tables. On the other side (along Mansion Avenue), find yacht clubs and upscale eateries. Sailboats race on Wednesday evenings, and you can view the armada from the Tiki Bar of the Marina Cafe (154 Mansion Ave.; 718- 967-3077). A leggy blond stowaway told me it’s even possible to convince a racing skipper to take you along for the ride.

A few miles north, you’ll find Coney Island’s lesserknown cousin, the beautiful, 2.5-mile-long FDR Boardwalk (Sand Lane at Father Capodanno Boulevard). Every Wednesday and Sunday is family night, with food, games, entertainment and sometime fireworks (tobacktotheboardwalk.com).

If you prefer a faster crowd, try roostertailing around NY Harbor at 55 mph. Skyline Jetskis (135 Edgewater St.; 718 737-8768) allows you to rent a 1100-hp Yamaha for two and, if you don’t want to get your tourist togs wet, owner Gerry Sozio will give you a wet suit. Sozio, on his own waverunner, is your guide as you tool around the Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero and under the Brooklyn Bridge.

Local cuisine

Staten Island has some of the best pizza in the city. Robert Whiteaker at Nunzio’s makes a great pie.Gabi Porter

Staten Island is the most Italian-American congressional district in America, and you can find old-country delicacies like capicola, sopressata and calamari on every corner. It helps if you can actually pronounce them. Repeat after me: GAH-bah-gool, SOO-pra-sot, KA-la-mah.

Nunzio’s pizza.Gabi Porter

The island is also home to NYC’s best oldschool pies. My favorite is Nunzio’s (2155 Hylan Blvd.; 718-667-9647) in Grant City; the crust is salty and the mozzarella is not shredded, but cut into square chunks that melt into deep, cheesy reservoirs. Beware: Pizza lovers here are deeply divided — with Denino’s, Lee’s Tavern, the RoadHouse, Goodfella’s, and Joe & Pat’s just a few of the red-sauce battlegrounds.

For something sweeter, head to Holtermann’s Bakery (405 Arthur Kill Road; 718-984- 7095), a 136-year-old family-owned mainstay where the bow tie pastries are to die for and, if you’re lucky enough to show up around closing time, they’ll just give you free stuff rather than let it go stale.

Great golf

Listen to Sinatra at Silver Lake Golf Course.Elizabeth Lippman

Silver Lake Golf Course (915 Victory Blvd.; 718-447- 5686), which bills itself as “the Working Man’s Country Club,” offers a singular SI moment: As you tee off for the 12th hole, the soothing sounds of Sinatra suddenly wash over you, courtesy of a neighbor who hangs outdoor speakers from his porch. Classy.

Close by is the Staten Island Zoo (614 Broadway). Try not to get rattled by its world-class collection of snakes.

Staten Island fun facts

The Staten Island Ferry.Chad Rachman

■ SI has 490,000 people. That’s bigger than the populations of Miami, Atlanta and Cleveland.

■ “Game of Thrones” author George R.R. Martin, who could see SI from his Bayonne, NJ, childhood home, modeled the map of Westeros after Staten Island.

“Dogs Playing Poker”Time Life Pictures/Getty Images

■ The island spawned Wu Tang Clan, David Johansen (a k a Buster Poindexter) and Christina Aguilera, and the guy who painted “Dogs Playing Poker” retired here. But other denizens might surprise you: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Central Park architect Frederick Law Olmsted, Paul Newman, Martin Sheen and the anti-Snooki — etiquette queen Emily Post. It also nurtured the inventors of the telephone and chewing gum, and the billionaire Newhouse and Vanderbilt clans.

■ SI is part of NY and not NJ, which is closer, only because a schooner race between the rival colonies won the island for the Duke of York.

■In 1898, during the consolidation of NYC, the isle became a borough. A century later, two-thirds of the SI electorate voted to secede from the city. Albany blocked the rebellion.

■ SI leads the world in murderous place names, including Great Kills, Fresh Kills, Arthur Kill and Kill Van Kull (rooted in kille, the Dutch word for creek).

■ The borough has the highest percentage of high-school grads and the highest median income of any borough.

■Two famous Clarks came from SI — OJ prosecutor Marcia and country singer Roy. The real Ichabod Crane lived here, as did the first American-born saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton; Anna of “The King and I”; Civil War Col. Robert Gould Shaw of “Glory ” fame, and Broadway impresario George M. Cohan.

■ The New York Wheel, the world’s tallest observation Ferris wheel at 630 feet (roughly 60 stories), is slated to open in 2017 on the St. George waterfront.

Getting there: Embark at Whitehall Terminal for a free, 25-minute cruise across the harbor offering intimate views of the downtown skyline and Lady Liberty — and NYC’s only public mass transit with legal alcoholic beverages.