These actual courtroom testimonies were recorded by court reporters who probably had to work while trying keep a straight face.

Rules are Rules

Judge: You may call your next witness.

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat [opposing counsel] on the head with his client’s deposition.

Judge: You mean read it?

Defense Attorney: No, Sir. I mean to swat him on the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition “for any purpose” and that’s the purpose I want to use it for.

Judge: Well, it does say that.

(Quiet pause)

Judge: There being no objection, you may proceed.

Defense Attorney: Thank you, Judge.

(Thereafter, Defendant’s attorney swatted plaintiff’s attorney on the head with the deposition)

Plaintiff’s Attorney (the victim): But Judge …

Judge: Next witness.

Plaintiff’s Attorney: … We object.

Judge: Sustained. Next witness.

By All Means, Proceed

Attorney: When he went — had you gone — and had she — if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go — gone also — would he have brought you — meaning you and she — with him to the station?

Opposing Counsel: Objection your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot.

I Rest My Case

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

Judge (addressing the public denfender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?

Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

He Was Obviously Under Misguided Orders

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

Witness: He said, “Where am I Cheryl?”

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Kathy.

Defense Would Like to Call … David Bowie.

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?

Witness: We both do.

Attorney: Voodoo?

Witness: We do.

Attorney: You do?

Witness: Yes. Voodoo.

At Least it Wasn’t in “Lovebug”

Attorney: But if the discount wasn’t on the sales order form or the invoice or the monthly print-out where would it be?

Witness: In Kansas … along with Dorothy and Toto.

Yes, Yes, of Course

Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?

Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.

I Was Just Following Directions.

Attorney: Remember, all your responses must be oral, OK? Now, what school do you go to?

Witness: Oral.

Attorney: How old are you?

Witness: Oral.

The Hokey-Pokey, Sir

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Uh…

Redirect, Counselor?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.