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REAL HOUSEWIVES REUNION PHOTOCAP (As Told By Random Knickknacks)

Bravo aired the second part of its epic Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion special last night, and it continued to be as explosive and ludicrous as the first half. However, the one difference was that while last week’s craziness often felt like “systematic bullying,” as Kelly Bensimon might say, this portion was all classic Danielle trainwreck action. Whatever empathy I felt for the woman going into the show was most certainly lost in the opening minutes when she couldn’t give a straight (no pun intended) answer to the questions about Danny’s use of homophobic slurs. Danielle seemed unable to see why people felt she was hypocritical (in the wake of last season when she chastised Joe Giudice for using the term “gaylord”), and truthfully, this pattern of getting tripped up in her own BS became the theme of the night.

Danielle’s most impressive feat of denial was when Jacqueline cornered her over Tweets regarding Ashley. Apparently some yutz had said something about wishing Ash-dawg would commit suicide on his birthday, causing Danielle to tweet back (and I’m paraphrasing) “May all your birthday wishes come true.” When faced with this rather wretched behavior, Danielle had excuse after excuse — first saying that she hadn’t read the tweet, then saying that she hadn’t read all of it, and then claiming that all of this was something she would never do. It was both sad yet highly entertaining to see the duvet of delusions she had wrapped herself into.

Other highlights of the hour included Danielle demonstrating the force necessary to remove extensions from a head. This involved her unearthing a bizarre mannequin head and forcing Andy to yank the hair from it (a task he seemed unable to do; although, I’m not sure he’s necessarily the go-to man for demonstrating upper body strength). Eventually, Andy succeeded, but really the more damning evidence was when Jacqueline then pulled Teresa’s hair lightly as a joke, causing her to yelp with pain. Not a wise move if you’re trying to minimize Danielle’s claims. Then again, it’s safe to say that Teresa’s hair probably has it’s own central nervous system; so who knows what was really going on.

Last but not least, however, was Kim G, who made a triumphant return with a loud, fussy, and altogether hilarious cameo appearance. She came on strong, barking at Danielle and later Teresa, but when confronted with her hypocrisy and lies, she sort of just waved it all off with a casual mea culpa in the form of “yeah, yeah. I guess i did that.” The whole scene was so silly yet lightweight that it served as a welcome palate cleanser in the midst of this ridiculous reunion war.

Ultimately though, the scariest part of the entire hour was the strange coda in which Jacqueline proved to be the voice of reason and requested that the women put this all behind them and stop acting like lunatics. Danielle seemed overwhelmed by the sincere olive branch, and suddenly, without warning, she up and hugged first Teresa (which was not unlike witnessing a praying mantis cuddling with a dust bunny) and then Jacqueline. The latter embrace lasted an awkwardly long amount of time, with the only sounds being Danielle’s whispers of love and gratitude while an on-set photographer snapped pictures at a frantic pace off screen. The whole thing felt creepy and unpleasant and certainly proved to be one of the most unnerving moments in any Housewife reunion.

Nevertheless, here is the photocap of the show. The Bravo pictures were a bit dull; so I decided to do a dramatic recreation of the events, this time using random knickknack I found in my parents’ home (shotglasses are not in high supply here). Enjoy:

“Hi everyone! I’m Andy Cohen. Welcome back to The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. Wow. What a show so far.”

“I will not clap.”

“That’s okay. No one is asking you to clap.”

“ONE AT A TIME!”

“Um… okay. Once again joining me on stage are the five lovely ladies of Jersey: Caroline and Danielle…”

Caroline: “Answer me this, okay? When did I ever say I would be on this reunion?”Andy: “Well–““When did I ever say I’d be on this reunion?”Andy: “It’s part of your contract.”“When did I ever say I would be on this reunion??”Danielle: “ONE AT A TIME!”

“We also have the lovely Teresa and Jacqueline.”

Teresa: “Danielle sleeps with married men.”Jacqueline: “I’m vapid!”

“Danielle, you call yourself a gay advocate, and yet you didn’t reprimand Danny for using the F word.”

“I don’t recall that.”

Andy: “Why didn’t you say anything to Danny about using the F word?”Danielle: “I had very strong words for him when the cameras weren’t rolling.”“Why didn’t you say them while the cameras WERE rolling.”“I did.”“You just said you spoke to him off camera.”“I didn’t say that.”“We have it on camera.”“I would like to see that.”“We’ll play it back for you.”“That’s e-fuckin-NUFF.”“Let’s not be mean.”“I’ve been abused. That’s what you do when you’re abused. You get mean and then run away. But I won’t run away again.”“We don’t want you to run away.”“Coke whore.”“Excuse me?”“I didn’t say anything.”“You said ‘coke whore.'”“That was Danny who said that.”“Danny’s not here.”“Is that a threat?”“No.”“Saying someone’s ‘not here’ is a very PERMANENT statement.”“I was just saying that he’s not physically present.”“I will not stand for this anymore.”

Danielle: “I need a break.”Teresa: “There goes the bitch again.”Jacqueline: “BITCH!”Caroline: “Since when did I ever say you couldn’t take a break? Answer me that! WHEN DID I EVER SAY YOU COULDN’T TAKE A BREAK??”

Teresa: “RUN, BITCH! Go sleep with married men!”Jacqueline: “Yeah! What Teresa said!”Caroline: “Can we finish this up, please? There’s a sale on checkered teapots at Macy’s.”

“Don’t think I don’t know what the Manzos are doing. Three against one. Not fair. The moment Andy looks away, Caroline’s going to pin me down to the couch while Teresa and Jacqueline shove complimentary Borgata Hotel & Casino cocktail napkins down my mouth. Next thing you know, I don’t wake up. Then my daughters don’t have a mother. THEN ARE THEY HAPPY? THEN ARE THEY HAPPY???”

“Where’s Joe? Joe. JOE. Come ovah here and lick my pussy. JOE.”

Danielle: “I’m back. Amazing things, new beginnings.”Caroline: “What does that mean?”“I think you know very well what that means.”“Okay, answer me this, okay? When did I ever say I knew what it means?”“Caroline, you know.”“WHEN DID I EVER SAY I KNEW WHAT IT MEANS?”“I’m not answering this.”“WHEN DID I EVER SAY I KNEW WHAT IT MEANS??”“You said it just now.”“I never said that.”“You most certainly did.”“Did I, or did I not say it?”“Caroline…”“DID I, OR DID I NOT SAY IT?”“Oh my God.”“DID I, OR DID I NOT SAY IT?? I’ll keep asking until you answer. DID I OR DID I NOT SAY IT?? DID I OR DID I NOT…”

“Okay guys. Let’s try to keep it together. No one gets off their couch.”

“That’s e-fuckin’-nuff, Andy.”Andy: “Danielle, stay on your couch.”“I am on the couch.”“No, you’re standing.”“That’s not how I remember it.”“No, it’s not about remembering. It’s happening right now.”“I don’t recall that.”“Just sit down.”“You don’t get to tell me what to do.”“Please, Danielle.”“You don’t get to plead with me.”Caroline: “DID HE OR DID HE NOT ASK YOU TO SIT DOWN!!!”Teresa: “Bitch won’t sit down because bitch keeps sleeping with married men.”Jacqueline: “YEAH!”

“Let’s just all calm down.”

“Why you sweating so much? You hot or somethin’?”

“Let me make something perfectly clear. The air conditioning system in this room is purely the responsibility of the Borgata Hotel. This is not the fault of the Brownstone.”

“Yes. No one said that.”

“You don’t get to put words in my mouth. The air conditioning problem is purely an act of sadistic violence by the Manzos AND the Brownstone.”

“The Brownstone is in Franklin Lakes, okay? There are two cities here, okay? Atlantic City, okay? And Franklin Lakes, okay? Do NOT confuse the two, okay?”

“That’s your opinion.”

“Ladies, let’s just agree to disagree.”

Danielle: “I will not clap.”Caroline: “Clown.”“That was a death threat.”

“Excuse me. You were the one who wished my daughter would commit suicide.”

“I must not have read the whole thing.”

“How do you not read the whole thing?”

“I was abused.”

“Now look. There’s another Tweet from you where you say ‘That last tweet was hilarious, and I read the whole thing.'”

“I Tweet with him often. I’ll block him now. I didn’t know what he had meant.”

“The guy wished my daughter was DEAD.”

“He didn’t say that.”

“He said he wished she committed suicide!”

“Well, I don’t know what suicide means.”

“It’s a type of pasta, bitch.”

“No, it’s when someone kills themselves.”

“That’s stupid. Who would do that? Joe. JOE? Have you ever heard of sewwy slides? Is that how you say it?”

“That sounds violent, and I’m not violent. I’m an anti-violence advocate. That’s why I brought men with guns to this taping.”

“You also called Ashley a coke whore.”

“I would never say that. Ashley is too fat to be on coke.”

“Okay, okay. We need to settle some of these questions. Let’s bring out the woman caught in the middle: Kim G!”

“Hi Andy! Hi girls! Hello Danielle.”

“Hello Kimberly.”

“YOU’RE A LYING WHORE! YOU USE ME LIKE AN OLD TAMPON!”

“I did no such thing! You used me!”

“BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! That’s a crock of BULLSHIT!!”

“This old lady has a lot of anger.”

Kim: “AND YOU! AND YOU! You’re the biggest bullshitter of them all!”“Don’t you EVER tawk to me that way!”“I’VE BEEN NOTHING BUT NICE!”“You were not nice.”“Ehhhhh… yeah. Okay. You have a point.”

“Kim, you kind of played both sides.”

“Yeah. I suppose. Okay. That’s what I did. Caroline, you want lunch?”

“Do I look like I want lunch?”

“Yes?”

“Of course she wants lunch. She’s as fat as a Super Mario Brother.”

“Excuse me. Did I say I was hungry? DID I SAY I WAS HUNGRY? DID I SAY I WAS HUNGRY????”“All I know is we’re the same age, and HELLO, I got a hotter body. With slightly square tits. But I think they’re more like trapezoids. Trap-tits. Just sayin.”

“I’d like to note that I am neither as fat nor as hairy as the Super Mario Bros. I shave my face every day. If anything I’m Princess Peach.”

“How can a peach be a princess? It’s a fruit. Joe. JOE? Can fruit be a princess? JOE!”

“Speaking of peaches, you should all be happy to know that Ashley just booked a gig as the face of Mary Scopellini’s Canned Fruit & Jam Emporium.”

“I’m so happy for her.”

“You are?”

“Ehhh, no. Not really.”

“For the record, I like Yoshi.”

“I don’t know what Yoshi is, but I hope it commits suicide.”

“Yoshi is a dinosaur.”

“Dinosaurs are extinct, and I’d like to state for the record that the Brownstone had nothing to do with it, okay? Nothing.”

“Oh PLEASE, Caroline. We all know you killed the dinosaurs.”

“And how could I have done that?”

“You ambushed them outside panini shops.”

“I heard that the dinosaurs fell in Mt. Vessuvio. Is that what it’s called? Vessuvio? Joe. JOE. Is it Vessuvio? What’s the volcano with the lava called?”

“I do not endorse volcanic activity. I’m an anti-volcano advocate.”

“Phony. She’s phony. She loves volcanoes, and I won’t listen to her tapdance around this.”

“I pity the volcano. I really do.”

“You’re just using the volcano.”

“THAT IS BULLSHIT, DANIELLE, AND YOU KNOW IT! THE VOLCANO IS MY FRIEND.”

“Volcanos are dangerous. Just sayin’.”

“DO NOT BREAK UP THE VOLCANO!”

“Guys. Guys. There is no volcano.”

“Sometime I call my cootchie a volcano, and then I have Joe lick it. JOE. JOE! LICK MY VOLCANO! JOE!!!”

Vessuvio! You crack me up! Kim G. was a palate cleanser. A palate clenser on crack. Teresa, hmm, sure glad I can turn the TV off, can you imagine being around her more than 5 minutes? Jacquiline was bizzare trying to get more air time by shouting insults. Caroline was Caroline & towards the end you could see that all the bullshit was wearing on her. Daggar eyes at J when getting hugged. That leaves Danielle. J – it is pronounced Danielle not Denielle. She is a freaking ostrich. They should call her show (if she gets one) The Ostrich Show.

Hey did you read that Teresa & Joe are facing federal fraud charges for supposedly hiding $250,000 during their bankrupcy procedures? And that she is afaid that she will say something on camera about hiding it? And that they are casting her SIL whom she hates more than Danielle and might quit over her?
I also heard that the OC HW (new girl, husband Jim) CRS her name, got a new loan payback by their bank & they won’t foreclose on their house?

Oh my god, I started laughing as soon as I saw the props and didn’t stop until the end. Actually, I’m still laughing just thinking about it. I think that that was probably the funniest recap that I’ve ever read.

This may be the funniest recap yet! The props were hilarious and I’d much rather look at that giraffe than Danielle’s botoxed mug. And the way Danielle held onto Jackie at the end and was whispering in her ear? Awkward. Was she trying to imply some kind of past sexual relationship with her?

Hilarious recap — the giraffe was perfect. I think Danielle is such a good liar because her frozen face cannot convey emotion. She creeps me out and I am glad she is gone. I pity whatever network signs that looney. Although I do think Caroline is somewhat sane (in comparison, anyway) and had many valid points she was trying to prove, it gets a little old hearing asking the same question over and over until she gets the answer she wants.

Creepiest. Hug. Ever. Ewwwww…. I just wanted it to stop and have no idea how everyone kept a straight face.

I lov the stuff you found in your mom’s house. Am I right when I imagine you asking her for seriously insane characters and her digging through junk drawers to find you all that stuff? I hope you bring it home with you for future use. Well except the damn giraff.. we won’t need that bitch again will we!!

When did “bye” become a death threat? I have literally death threated like 100 people recently.

I agree with Liz that Danielle’s clinging to Jacqueline was to piss off Caroline which she succeeded in doing because Caroline has a fit at the end with all the “fakeness”.
But Caroline – you shook the hand that Danielle offered you. If it was all fake why did you participate instead of refusing to go along with the civility being show? Doesn’t that make you as fake as the rest?

I think Caroline said when she was shaking her hand “I don’t like you” or something along those lines but was agreeing to peace.. like anyone with Danielle’s crazy mind would actually give them peace…. already she’s badmouthing all of them saying she quit the show when in reality (real reality not Danielle reality) she was let go.

Caroline said she didn’t like Danielle after she said it was all phony and AFTER the handshake.
Sorry. But, she really disgusted me at the reunion and I don’t really care what anyone thinks.
Caroline went from my favorite to my least favorite in 0-60 minutes. I feel creeped out more by her than Botox, square titted Danielle. Caroline has NO excuse to be the mean and nasty and exclusive person she is. At least Danielle might have one or 2 reasons and something a really good therapist and a dosage of Haldol might help. There’s no help for Caroline, because even though she fervently denies it, she is PERFECT in every way shape and form.

And I wanna know how shaking a hand of someone I despise more than dogshite on my lawn is FAKE! Come on, H.B…tell me! I wanna know. Just give me one example! You can’t., can you? Just tell me. I have this incredible integrity and would neva do or say anyting dat’s fake. EHVA!EHVA! EHVA! Come on..try me out. Tell me one one ting dat I ehva did that was fake or phony!

Yes. I heard you trying to get a word or 2 in, H.B., but my impecccable sense of integrity filters out all bullshite. Rememba when I took the fall (I mean accepted responsibility) for my sista Dina at the last suppa? Dat’s integrity and not phony at all, is it?

I do havta admit doe dat I got no friends outside of family and wonder about them family as well. I mean everybody always looks so scared shitless in front of me.

What was the deal with those little pom-poms with the eyeballs & feet? I remember having a bunch of those as a kid. And the “Jacq” one looked so scared & confused when the giraffe was molesting it. Kadoos on all the casting, I think these may have beat out the shot glasses!

Yes! I remember those. You had to sell like 50 magazine subscriptions and then you got a lot of weeples or weebles or whatever or you could choose a three sided highligher, or like a strobe light if you sold 100 subscriptions. Clearly weeples were the best choice.

Hah this was epic. Also got a laugh when I tried to imagine what knicknacks my parents have laying around their own house. What a bizarre reunion ending! I am sure Danielle went home and assumed they were all cool and friends again. She is actually legitimately scary to me. Someone with severe mental issues in extreme denial. I saw a breakdown of her book and how all her stories are inconsistent, she says one thing one day and another thing the next day- this reunion ep was the perfect illustration of her insanity. She makes me shudder on many levels.

FWIW — I read a blog where the blogger claims to have seen the actual tweets and the guy who sent the tweet about wishing Ashley would commit suicide sent a tweet earlier that day to Danielle telling her it was his birthday & could she give him a “shout out” (no mention of Ashley or suicide) and that Danielle’s tweet back to him re: “hope all your wishes come true” was in reply to that tweet. The same guy, later in the day and after the initial tweet to Danielle & her response, tweeted the “hope Ashely commits suicide” tweet. The blogger argues that since the ladies are obviously following Danielle’s tweets (and may I just say, why in the hell are these old bags seriously discussing, using and following a stupid game for teenagers?!?!?!) they had to know that Danielle’s tweet was in response to the first, harmless tweet, and not to the “Ashley/suicide” one and they purposefully misrepresented it on tv to make Danielle look bad (or, more accurately, worse than she already looks). If you recall, Danielle did say there was no way to tell that her tweet was in response to the Ashley/suicide tweet. Whatevs!
You can read it for yourself here:

initially, i was disappointed that it was a knickknack photo recap. however, this was the funniest recap yet! i could not stop laughing, and i’m at work, so i was trying to be quiet. my eyes were watering.. lol. awesome, b-side!

B-side, I love love love your blog and all your readers! I am an American ex-pat living in Manchester, England (fell in love with a British man, doh!) and the only way I can watch my favorite bravo shows is by downloading them on a torrent or having my dad tivo them and watching them for like 14 hours straight when I go home to visit. These shows are rarely televised here so there is no one I can discuss them with let alone has even seen them. This blog and the readers’ comments make me so happy because I feel like there is someone out there sharing my feelings and interests in these hilarious, ridiculous shows and I always laugh my ass off! Thank you all!

Hey Lacy. I’m dating a hot Scot and he had me google free tv eu..and a site pops up that has all the shows. It’s amazing because as am American without HBO, I get caught caught up on True Blood and any other show I miss. I’m still a season behind but I looked for a Bad Girls Club ep I missed a week or so later and there was link for it. And I do love the Manks..so yay!

Thank you for the tip! I will be sure to check it out and its comforting I am not the only one missing my trashy reality tv shows. If you have any tips on getting ingredients for Mexican food, pass that on too sister <3