How My Generosity Got Me $8,000 in Debt

This is a guest post from Logan Sachon. Her piece originally appeared at Bundle.com.

I am in debt: $8,000 on two credit cards, to be precise.

The debt occurred over several years, and includes a few periods when I was living off the cards because I was in between jobs. Perhaps $1,000 of the debt was spent on plane tickets to visit my parents on the East Coast, my job on the East Coast, or my friends on the East Coast. But mostly there are just lots of small purchases — a pattern of living beyond my means. All pointed fingers end up right back at me. If I had to pinpoint one personality trait that led to the debt, there was a time when I would have been tempted to say idiocy, but now I’d say generosity: with others, but mostly with myself.

Treating myself
Sometimes life is stressful. And when it is, I tend to coax myself out of bed with promises of niceties. If I can just get through this day, I can go to the movies ($10). Or buy a new shirt ($20). Sometimes I’ll end up at the mall, feeling terrible for no particular reason, and decide that new underwear from the Gap (five for $20) will pick me up. Twenty dollars to feel better is really nothing, you see. Except when it happens almost everyday. Then it’s something.

I play the same mind games with food. I can’t bear to make dinner (free), but I could eat at the fancy taqueria up the street ($10) and oh, I better also have a margarita ($7), because it will make me feel better. And company would be nice, too. I’ll call up a friend to meet me, my treat ($17). So there’s $34, spent in seconds.

Picking up the tab
I’ve always been a big fan of picking up the tab: It makes people feel good and loved and taken care of, and that, of course, makes me feel good. Looking through my credit card statements, there are so many restaurant and bar tabs for $20 that should have been $10, or $40 that could have been $20. Each one, the product of me saying: “I’ll get this, I’d like to treat you.” I don’t regret them all, or any single one, really. What I regret is a mindset that made me feel like I could afford to use money to make people, myself included, happy.

Buying presents for people has long been one of my very favorite things. It’s also a talent of mine: I pay attention, and buy thoughtful gifts that people love. One year I spent over $800 on Christmas presents for my friends and family. For my brother, I picked out $60 worth of books I’d knew he’d appreciate. For my best friend, $10 for stationary, $30 for a book about Swedish interiors, $10 for a perfect little ceramic vase. That year, she gave me homemade things: a cup with a hand-felted cozy, a framed embroidery, some lovely soap. I remember thinking that she had won the gift-choosing contest that year, and had likely spent very little doing it. I filed that thought away — money doesn’t equal thoughtfulness — and then remembered: I’m not crafty. The next year I spent even more.

Debt by a thousand cuts
When I first started using credit (and let’s use the language of addiction here, because it’s apt), I fully intended to pay back every dollar as soon as I got a better-paying job. And maybe there was a time when I could have done it. If the balance had stayed under a thousand, I could have paid it off over the course of a few paychecks. But the tricky thing about debt is that it adds up. Once there was a balance, it was so easy to just keep on adding to it, and to justify every purchase. For years, every time I swiped a credit card, it was supposed to be the last time. But then I’d have a bad day, and the only thing that could make it better would be $50 haircut. Last one. Promise!

It’s always been important to me to make it clear to whoever will listen that my debt doesn’t come from extravagant purchases or a shopping addiction, at least not the kind that’s the stuff of TV movies. I didn’t take a winter trip to Cancun and imagine I’d pay it off someday, and my wardrobe isn’t stocked with $200 jeans and $400 boots. My car trunk isn’t filled with shopping bags. Sometimes I wish it was: I could return those clothes, sell those boots on eBay, or at least I could look back on a great trip and imagine that it was worth it. But instead, mine is a debt by a thousand small purchases, some meant to bolster my own day, some meant to help others.

An attitude adjustment
I recently saw my therapist after a small hiatus, and he asked me how I was feeling.

“It’s winter in Portland,” I said. “Take a guess.”

“How is your spending?” he asked me. “Have you been shopping?”

“No,” I said. “I cut up my cards, and I’m paying down my debt, so no, I haven’t been shopping. I don’t do that anymore.”

“Then no wonder you’re having a tough time,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“Spending money was your main coping mechanism,” he said. “It was how you comforted yourself. And since you haven’t been doing that, you must be in a hard place.”

I was taken aback. And then I got it. All those purchases were a pattern. Of being generous. With myself.

Now I’m generous with myself in other ways, though it’s taken an attitude adjustment. I have started to cook, which I still can’t believe is true, but it is. Sometimes meals don’t turn out. But I don’t beat myself up; that’s another way of being kind. I’m going to the gym, because I know it’s one of the best things I can do for myself. That’s a fact, even though sometimes it’s hard to believe, because it’s so hard. But I always feel better afterward. That’s another fact.

I’m still generous with other people, but in other ways. For my boyfriend’s birthday, there were so many things I wanted to buy for him: new black boots, a leather school satchel, new art supplies, a weekend away. But I couldn’t do it all. I really couldn’t do any of it. So I talked to him about it, and learned that little lesson that I knew all along but never believed: It’s the thought that counts. He said he was touched by my ideas, and would have loved any of those things, but what he most wanted was to spend time with me. I planned a weekend away, and we split the costs.

But the most generous thing I’ve done is to forgive myself for the debt. I was just being kind to myself. And now I’m being kind to myself by paying it off.

Get Rich Slowly and Bundle are experimenting with a “content swap”. There’s no money exchanging hands for this. Bundle will send GRS an article and we’ll send them a piece. This is the first article I picked to share. Let us know what you think!

I find your use of the word “generosity” disturbing. Spending hundreds of dollars on gifts for family members and friends is not generous, nor is insisting on picking up the tab for dinners, drinks, etc. when out with others. Far from generosity, these are desperate attempts to buy love. I’m glad you’re on the road to better spending habits and psychological health, but calling your past actions “generosity” is another form of denial. Language is powerful and life-changing. You’ll heal faster if you change your language.

Wha-? It’s NOT generous to treat people we like and love to the occasional meal or nice gift? It’s actually a way to buy their affection?

Nuh-uh. I think Logan’s generosity is an apt term. I am glad she realized she can do other things to be generous.

And treating one’s self is a slippery slope. It starts off as “I’ll buy myself a cup of great coffee to start a cruddy day.” Then it becomes “I’ll get these nice shoes because I’ve had a rough week.” Etc.

Way to go Louisa. Whatever it is, it’s still generosity because she “wanted” them.. she wanted to pick tabs and give expensive gifts. I’d call myself generous too if I spend money like that on other people… not because I want their love but because I want to be generous in giving gifts.

I agree that the kind of behaviour that got Logan into debt mostly couldn’t be classified as generosity – i.e. generosity to oneself. That seems like a really euphemistic way to talk about bad spending habits.

But picking up tabs and giving gifts to others is the literal definition of generosity, and it’s the very best way to get into debt (if there is a best way).

I find I have a similar mindset, only for me it’s often food or drinks exclusively. This can be equally as bad on your wallet, since after a long day with kids, I often itch to go out to dinner (no dishes!). I remember a pretty boring office temp job I had in college, and one of the main coping mechanisms I had was my 2 p.m. pick-me-up of a Mountain Dew and a Snickers every afternoon. It became a bad habit. While the job only lasted a summer, I still remember my psychological need for this sugary drink and a candy bar. It was pretty intense. And while I don’t think treats are necessarily always bad, I didn’t like how dependent I felt on it.

I also noticed after the birth of my second child that I was engaging in lots of retail therapy. That’s easy to do when you have two growing boys that need to be clothed. Shopping for kids’ clothes became my vice, and at some point I just had to stop. Gymboree had become my sound of the sirens. We weren’t in debt because of it, but I was disturbed by the psychological need I had to shop.

Oh, just a minor nitpick, eating at home is not really free either – just much cheaper. I find I often exaggerate the cost difference. It is certainly can be MUCH cheaper to eat at home, but it’s rarely free.

Eating at home isn’t free, you are totally right. But I can eat whole wheat spaghetti with mushrooms and vegetables for about $1.50 a day. Wendy’s will cost my $6 or more. McAlister’s Deli costs me $12. And a sit down meal costs me $15 with the tip.

If you think that “If the balance had stayed under a thousand, I could have paid it off over the course of a few paychecks.” is true, then use the same thought for the larger debt. Pay it off in a (few x 8 ) paychecks. It’ll take a lot of self-discipline for 6 or 9 months, but you can do it.

Bookmark the websites for your credit card companies and make a habit to log in and check your balances every day. This will be a reminder that you need to stay motivated in your new behavior. Best of luck.

oh, perspective: i think you did really well to keep your debt to $8,000 – mine was up to $40,000 at one stage, for much the same reasons. the slow accretion of a thousand sorrows.

thanks for your story it’s the closest articulation of my own addiction to debt (and food), and helps me clarify my own experience.

fwiw i don’t agree with louisa. language is powerful but so are our personal mythologies. i think your New Generosity is healthier than your Old Generosiy, but you just didnt know about that new type then.

Good article! I like how you point out how it’s a mentality. And it builds before you know it. We’ve done that before where we would swipe the plastic and think it was the last time, only to do it again.

Thankfully, we’ve got most of our debt now under control and paid for. It took changing our mindset and making some smart choices.

Likewise — great post. I really appreciate your honesty. This is how I got into debt, too, and am also “in recovery” and it’s so hard, but great to know that there are other people out there in the same situation.

This could definitely be me – and to a certain extent, it is. I indulge in retail therapy when I have bad, as well as good, days. The bad days to make me feel better, and the good days to celebrate. I don’t go out often, but when I do go out with friends, I tend to pick up the tab.

I’ve been lucky in that I know that I’m an emotional shopper, and can usually rein it in before it gets over a few hundred bucks, and can get it paid off within a couple of months. And then the cycle starts again.

I’ve taken to keeping my credit cards at home, and only carrying cash and my debit card, which does help a little. But I can always find some way to justify a little overspending. Knowledge alone doesn’t always help, but trying to remember that I don’t really *need* that book, CD, DVD, latte, etc. right now (if ever) can sometimes talk me down from spending so much.

Oh, I’ve been known to emotionally eat, too. I just perfer to spend rather than eat (most of the time). Chocolate, ice cream, cookies..those are my drugs of choice when that happens. And never made – all store-bought!

There’s nothing wrong with being generous; it’s rather noble at that. However, conscious spending is the antithesis of impulsive spending. ANYTIME you want to make a purchase, think:
1) Will I really use this, I mean really?
2) How did I live without it until now?
3) Will I want it in a month? In a week? Tomorrow?
4) How much will it cost me? (How long will I have to work to earn the dollars to buy this?)
5) Can I create a free memory in place of this purchase? Memories last longer; they never depreciate like material things.

Actually, that is a fascinating possibility for a social experiment. Imagine using credit cards to donate outrageous amounts to charities, and then never paying back the debt. Essentially you’d be robbing the wealthy credit card companies to help the poor.

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate in a lot of ways. I really do love thinking up the perfect gifts for friends and loved ones, but it’s just not prudent to actually buy most of them (though I used to).

I disagree with the earlier comment that you’re trying to “buy love.” I want to buy things for people like my mom and dad, husband, dearest friends–I already have their love, no question. It’s more that I see something that so fits their personality and interests, and I want them to have that thing (or that experience).

But of course those things don’t really matter because those people DO love me no matter what, so that’s what I finally had to realize. Time with those people is better than anything I could buy.

Isn’t it interesting that some of the “treats” we allow ourselves under stress don’t really make us feel better at all?

That’s the lesson I need to keep learning. The quick, greasy meal I grab after working til 9 p.m. is not faster, tastier, cheaper, or more nutritious than the asparagus omelet I could whip up in 5 minutes. Maybe I should print this comment and place it in my wallet. :)

Like I’ve seen from a few other comments already – this could totally be my story. At one point my credit card debt was up to almost $14,000. That’s a lot of money! The worst part was that we had sold a house and made a great profit on it. Unfortunately, at that time I thought it was better to have money in the bank than to pay off the debt. Big mistake on my part. The good news is that hard work and JD’s snowball method paid off and we paid off the last bit of credit card debt this past February – 4 months ahead of schedule! My therapist was almost as proud as I was.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said: “I donâ€™t regret them all, or any single one, really. What I regret is a mindset that made me feel like I could afford to use money to make people, myself included, happy.”

Like you, I like to buy gifts for people. And I don’t ever regret spending the money. We all show affection differently and for some people, like you and I, buying a gift is the way we express affection. It is not an attempt to buy love. However, the way we express affection needs to be tempered with the realization that we need to stay within our budget, too. Maybe treating a friend to a $5 cup of coffee now and then would be a much better alternative than $40 dinner tabs, etc.

Good for you for realizing your spending habits and being kind to yourself by working to change them. Just remember to replace shopping/spending with something else – church, hobbies, etc. – to fill the void left behind by spending.

Your story reminded me of my husband’s before we met – he’d use his credit card for a $10 book here, a meal or drink out there. Next month, he’d pay it off, but be cash poor. So daily expenses started going on the credit card – groceries, gas, etc. And the cycle continued for way too long. Congrats on breaking the cycle.

I love the way you ended this story – that paying off your debt is the the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

I think we must be related. :) I am a single mom and honestly my daughter helped me to see my ways more than anyone. I was $7,000 in credit card debt. I kept thinking as soon as college is finished I will have a good job and pay it back. We needed gas and food and had little money. Plus I loved buying extras for my daughter. My thoughts were we had suffered enough and needed some fun. Which was true. I taught my daughter all about Mary Hunt and Cheapskate living and she followed the book carefully. I did not. Was my daughter ever surprised to know I was teaching her something I wasn’t following myself. She was in her early 20’s when she said no more credit card. I said ok. But….I still wanted to buy for her. She said no. It took us 2 years of doing without a lot of things to pay that card off. We neither one will ever forget it and we won’t have credit card debt either. I was teaching her and then she taught me. :)

I really like this comment. I wish my mother would relate with me like you did with your daughter.

Like you, she taught me a lot about being financially secure, independent, and careful. But then she’s also had issues with giving to her children. And it’s really hard to say no to your mother wanting to give you money and gifts!

Last year though, she had to get a new car (emergency) and had no money to even float until she got the insurance check! I had to lend her $7,000. Fast forward a year – she’s paying me back (plus more “for school” that I’m adding to her loan payback and not telling her) BUT she still doesn’t have an emergency fund, is relying on her pension from teaching for retirement (she’s in her late 50s) AND she keeps wanting to buy me stuff!

I wish I knew how to be her friend and explain that we can depend on each other to stop the spending cycle – for both of us.

My aunt kind of fell into this trap. After years of scrimping and struggling to get by as a single mom of two kids, her credit card impulses always started out with, “I deserve to have some fun now.” The problem is, deserve has got nothing to do with it.

One of her two boys is in his thirties now and a deadbeat. She is always helping him out with money and other things. The other boy is a real go-getter and has already earned his first half-million dollars. He loans her money.

I think this is beyond screwed-up, that she borrows from one of her kids to enable the other one. I just stay out of it.

Love this! The tone, the content, all of it. Fantastic post. I almost fear it’ll be torn to shreds by comments but it resonates well with me. Debt is so personal, there’s no right or wrong way to deal with it. I love your positive spin.

There are lots of people who use shopping or spending as coping with emotional problems. I see people go shopping because they are happy, sad or have problems. That is not a solution instead it causes more problems.

This post came off as a personal experience with humility and happiness – that is the absolute best! None of us knows everything and we are all learning as we go. Good luck with your debt repayment and I hope you have a million happy additions to your story along the way!

True for me too. After a year of super-frugality, I realized I wasn’t spending any money at all on even things that would make me very happy, even though I budgeted for them– and that was just as bad as buying whatever I wanted, in some ways. Now I’m trying to find a healthy balance.

The picking up the tab thing: I still do that, every so often, maybe three or four times a month. It keeps me flexible. I tend to go overboard on whatever I’m working on, whether that’s a diet, frugality, retail therapy, or whatever.

I am working on being nicer to myself as well. It feels good to really take care of yourself, doesn’t it? Before you were putting the needs of others before yours (your need to be financially stable), but now you are paying attention to what you need and not putting others first. Suze Orman talks a lot about how this is an issue w/ women and money.

So well written, thank you for sharing, this really hit home for me, I do this too and I know it drags down the finances. Good Luck to you and keep up the good work, it sounds like you are on the right road.

I did this. I call it “rockefeller syndrome”. So any gifts and meals and bar tabs. And so many splurges to get me through the day, week, month. In an ironic twist, i would buy my splurges in cash to justify them, and then at the end of the month, i was forced to buy my necessities (gas, food, etc) on credit.

And now i’ve learned that my “generosity” was really about my own self loathing.

And after therapy, I’ve turned my life around. My friends like me, even if I don’t get the bar tab. And even if I turn down that trip to florida. And even if I don’t go and get pedicures with them. And I can feel good even without the Victoria’s Secret underwear (which I’ve since learned is not any better than Target undies).

Your story is mine. It is so nice to see it in words and know that I am not the only one. I would buy everything on my families christmas wish list because I thought I could. This year it was really a celebration for me to NOT buy everything everyone asked for. They will tell you that they just wanted to give choices and it isn’t their fault. It is my problem.

To all those who got themselves in debt because they wanted to do for other and themselves. May we find less expensive ways to meet that same desire.

LOVE this post! I love her style, her intention of self-care in the learning process, and her story of transformation. It’s learning to celebrate the little successes along the way that help us go great things (like get out of debt).

Thanks for featuring it and this author. I’d love to see more from her!

Of course picking up the tab is a nice way of showing affection for people. (Unless you feel that you have to pick up the tab in order for people to love you – I think that’s the essential difference… or if your self esteem relies on being the kind of person who always picks up the tab.) Personally, I like to trade off with people I know well – I pay one time, you pay the next time – that way we both get the pleasure of treating/being treated. I’m not big on gifts, tho… I think I prefer spontaneous gestures.

Similarly, there is inherently nothing wrong with using money to buy yourself nice things, or doing nice things for your loved ones. It’s just important to recognise when it’s being used to an unhealthy degree to fulfill emotional needs, and also to stop when it becomes destructive, i.e. you are living beyond your means.

Personally I know that I shop for clothes for a variety of emotional reasons – low self-esteem days, unhappy with my body, craving sex, feeling lonely. It’s also a nice way to relax and unwind… I like to walk through the shops on my way home from work, for example. I find that shopping for clothes fulfills a sort of sensual part of me – often just window shopping, just touching beautiful things or trying them on, gives me a nice womanly feeling. So much so that recently, when I fell in love with someone new, I went shopping even more because I was feeling so happy and sexy! I’m not sure that this is necessarily wrong in and of itself… there is a connection between looking good and feeling good, and as long as it doesn’t ruin me financially, I don’t mind having an area of indulgence. I don’t have expensive taste, either.

One way I keep myself in check is simply not to ever use credit cards. I have one with a low credit limit that I keep at home for online purchases and pay off immediately. I also am pretty good about paying myself first (savings in an online account which is relatively inaccessible) and also paying bills immediately. So even if I go on a shopping spree, I can’t do that much damage.

Just my random thoughts on the article. I also thought it was engaging and well-written.

Thanks so much to each one of you for your kind and supportive comments. What an incredibly compassionate and considerate community. I feel truly honored to read all of your words, and I’m so inspired by your own stories of paying down debt. I thank all of you for sharing them.

My spending is way, way down since I cut up my credit cards, but I still sometimes find myself swiping my debit card without forethought. With a debit card, however, the day of reckoning comes a lot sooner (like, when rent is due), so I’m learning quickly.

I used to go shopping whenever my husband (then BF) and I have a fight. Somehow it felt good to get something for myself when I was feeling down. That was my pick me up. I luckily never went into debt, so that was not my wake up call. The first realization came when I was packing everything to move. I had so much stuff. I couldn’t throw them off because they were expensive. I hauled everything to Goodwill. And slowly we have been decluttering. Now, the first thing that comes to mind whenever I want to buy myself is how will I get rid of it. Weird, but that is the only thing that has worked for me so far.

More articles like this one. Thanks, Logan, for sharing it. I am printing it out to keep in my bag as a reminder (also #5 Jane’s response, which could have been written by me – “feel good” snacks is definitely my money suck).

My DH and I have two couples with whom we are very close. Like, “help, the water heater is ruptured, can you come help me change it out” close. We don’t know each other’s bank balances, but we know, generally, the state of our respective finances.

So when we want to throw a lavish dinner party, they are comfortable with that; and if they want to take us out, we are also comfortable.

It’s all about intimacy, I think. If you really know each other, you have a level of trust that people aren’t messing themselves up by being generous with you – and vice versa.

Of all the posts I’ve read on GRS in the past year I’ve been reading, this is the one that hits home the hardest. I could have written this, word for word, if I were as good a writer and as insightful.

Financial death by a thousand small cuts, each one intended to pick me up; a donut, a Diet Coke to get me through a boring afternoon at work, new nail polish, etc.

I like so much your focus on generosity with yourself (a wonderful impulse more people should indulge in; as you and I are both learning, it’s the responsible indulging that’s the trick to learn) and kindness toward yourself and others.

I think I do this with eating out. As an example let me share last nights experience. Yesterday afternoon I helped a friend move. (It was a lot for me, I usually sit around reading GRS ;) ) I SOOO badly deserved to not cook (something I hate) and not do dishes (another thing I hate). I made a pot of Spanish rice and veggie tacos. I still felt exhausted after BUT MENTALLY SO GOOD!

I’m also usually on the opposite end from Logan on generosity with others. I feel guilty I won’t pick up the tab or buy people gifts very often (just weddings, babies, etc.) and even then that they’re not extravagent. I usually get over it pretty quick but this is a good reminder that I’m being kind to my wallet and that it’s the responsible thing to do.

Just writing in to agree with a couple of other commenters about the use of the word “generosity”. Generosity with yourself is called selfishness. And any “generosity” that got you in debt was a need to buy. Calling it something else takes the blame off you and only makes it easier to fall back into those same habits because you rationalize that you are “only being generous” and how can that be bad?

You buy because you want things, either for yourself or you want the recognition that comes from buying things for others.

Thanks for the post. My brother-in-law picks up a lot of checks, but I assume he can afford it. By that, I mean he doesn’t give off the appearance of a life of poverty — but even people with large paychecks can be broke.

Anyway, my wife likes that he can pick up checks for the rest of the family, and she wants to do it too. It’s funny — her and I talk about that a lot — it’s one of the first things we talked about when having the serious marriage talk. (I have a good job, and am doing the right things to build a solid financial life, but we’re not there yet.) In her head, she knows we can’t do it regularly. In her heart, she wants to do it all of the time. I try to talk to her about why she feels that way, but I think don’t think she really knows. I told her that if she feels she has to buy her family’s affection, then forget it.

I think alot of us having trouble saying NO to others when something is expected or requested from us. We are the givers of the world.

And then, we give to ourselves because, as one credit card company says, we “deserve it.” But it can get carried away and then we find ourselves tired, poor and unhappy. How ironic.

Over time, I have learned that it’s ok to tell family that I can’t buy them gifts over $20. I have to do what’s best for me and my family. I can’t suffer at the expense of someone else, no matter who they are. I have even learned that I just don’t get a high from shopping anymore. So I’m not as inclined to have high credit card balances.

I’m glad you have been able to take care of yourself mentally and physically, without having to worry about how to pay for it. There are lots of sweet gestures we can do for each other and I’m confident you will find a good balance.

I never comment on GFS posts, but I found this to be heart-wrending. It was a powerful essay with redemption at the end. While I have never been in debt, if I ever do get there I hope I have the courage you do.

Thank you, Logan, for a wonderfully written article that resonated with so many people, including me. I really have to squelch the urge to pick up the tab, especially when dining out with my (adult) children. While I don’t buy stuff for myself, I tend to give money to causes–it makes me feel good. But as we get closer to retirement age, I need to focus more on us and less on others, financially speaking, and concentrate on giving my time (which I do already).

Thanks for this comment. My children are HS/College age, so it will be awhile before I’d consider them “adult”, but I appreciate your comment about not paying for everything.

My husband comes from a family where his mother continued to “pay for” things that I felt were so odd given that we were adults, had good jobs, and were parents ourselves! My parents never did that kind of thing for their adult children. I never wanted to insult her and decline (and typically she would do such things when I wasn’t present), but I do have concern about how my husband will view that same issue when our children are adults.

My husband’s 2 siblings have suffered financially (most self inflicted but not all) and I do know that she spent great sums to keep them out of dire circumstances from time to time, so I presumed this was her small way of trying to “help” us as well, even though we never needed any assistance.

One of the joys of adulthood is being able to pay for things yourself, from the restaurant tab to clothes your mom gets no vote on.

But one of the joys of parenthood is giving things to your kids. Sometimes one side has to step back and let the other enjoy it :)

My partner paid for his own senior year of college. His parents sent him a check for tuition money and he just never cashed it. At first, their feelings were hurt – but after some reflection (about 10 years) it made them really proud.

You really made me think with this article. Very well written. I have been so full of regret lately over the horrible hoarding addiction I carried around with me for years that has cost me a small fortune all told, but! as your therapist aptly pointed out to you, it was your coping mechanism and a way for you to be kind to yourself. Bingo. I never thought about it in that light before. Yes, I knew my spending was a coping mechanism most definitely and I knew that I was spending and hoarding to make myself feel better. I just didn’t realize that it was also a method of being ‘kind’ to myself and just that one realization has suddenly made it easier to move past the regret and move on. I had to live with a lot of UNkindness during my formative years and the connection between how I felt about that yearslong situation and the means I used to feel better (all related to over consumption) is now complete and makes perfect sense. Thanks!

Great article! As others have said, Logan is not alone in her experience. I too have had to learn the hard way that “treating” myself (and by extension my family/friends) was not going to make me any happier at my previous job. I was miserable for about 2 years before taking a leap and switching jobs.

Now I love what I do and it has translated into less impulse buying to correct for a bad day or feeling down about myself. I now have other coping skills. It helps that my friends know my situation and don’t encourage me to spend for no other reason then to make up for a bad day.

Thank you for your story..it really has been awhile since I could connect with an article on this level!

What a lovely post. It’s nice to read about someone who has become this self-aware about destructive behavior and ending debt. It’s also nice that you aren’t hiding behind excuses. Some people pretend that they are helpless to wanting to be “generous” or that people somehow “need” gifts from them. This is an interesting story of self-discovery.

A day late, but I just wanted to pile on the praise (I hope I’m using this idiom correctly) and say this was a great article. The insight into the psychological mechanism of overspending was dead on. Excellent.

I just wanted to pop in again to thank everyone for their thoughtful, kind, supportive comments. I really appreciate all of you reading my essay, and I’m so glad that you can relate to it (well, I wish none of us could relate to it, but I hope that if you do relate to it, you are kind to yourself). Thanks so much to you all.

There are people who I will pick up the tab for or split a meal 50/50- even when they have had drinks/wine/much more expensive food than me because I know that they will do the same for me the next time. Except for my kids, I have never been someone to just buy things for people unless there is a special occasion(birthday/engagement/wedding/baby/anniversary) or I see something very special for a close friend when I am traveling overseas(pretty infreequent). I do bring something-like food or wine or flowers- when invited to someone’s house. Perhaps because I am older than many people here and grew up in a generation where we only got gifts at birthdays and Christmas/Chanukah and new clothing/shoes only at the start of school(and not a lot of those). I was not poor growing up and I am not poor now but I never felt I wasn’t generous to friends/family because I didn’t buy gifts “just because”.

Reframing the concept of generosity so it’s not related to money and spending (whether it’s things, restaurants, etc etc) but of fulfilling deeper needs. When I’m stressed or angry, to give an example, I’ve learned that a meal out or buying myself something isn’t going to make me feel as good as addressing that stress by self-soothing – either through dealing with the problem, exercising, spending guilt-free time with a book or movie or hobby or a friend. To be generous to others, sometimes all we need to do is listen, or spend time with them. In the long run, I’ve learned that those acts can be far more generous and cut down on spending.

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My name is J.D. Roth. I started Get Rich Slowly in 2006 to document my personal journey as I dug out of debt. Then I shared while I learned to save and invest. Twelve years later, I've managed to reach early retirement! I'm here to help you master your money — and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you get rich slowly. Read more.

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