Wifey Wednesday: Talk About Your Christmas Expectations NOW

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below! Today I want to talk about stress in marriage.

By 4 a.m. on Christmas morning, my brother-in-law’s house is bustling. Wrapping paper is flying, Christmas music is playing, and laughter is bubbling.

But it’s not the kids who wake everyone up at 4. It’s my brother-in-law. He does Christmas BIG.

My house is very different. We try to sleep in until at least 8 (I’ve got teenagers, after all), and then we do stockings and get out the hot chocolate and take things very leisurely.

Much as I love my brother-in-law, I’d be driven nuts if I were married to him, because I just could never get that excited about presents. He, on the other hand, would likely be driven nuts by me because I’d be throwing a damper on Christmas.

Do you and your husband see eye to eye on Christmas, or do you do the Christmas Clash? I had a wife tell me once that her husband bought her a digital bathroom scale for Christmas, which has to be the Worst Gift Ever. If your husband buys awful Christmas presents, especially if you drove yourself to exhaustion all month getting things perfect for Christmas, you’d likely be pretty ticked.

Want to avoid that ticked off Christmas morning feeling? Get proactive and do something about it now! Here are just a few thoughts:

1. To Avoid Awful Christmas Presents, Lay Out What You Expect for a Gift

If gifts are important to you, tell him what you expect. In detail. Don’t expect him to read your mind! Maybe you’ve been hinting for months that you want a Keurig coffee maker or a Kindle, but he hasn’t really picked up on it. A lot of guys don’t. I firmly believe in making it easy for people to buy me gifts. Here are just a couple of ways to simplify things:

Create a Wish Liston Amazon and add anything you would actually like. They don’t even have to buy it at Amazon, but it’s an easy way for your husband, kids, parents, or friends to see everything, all at once, that you would enjoy.

Start a Pinterest Board called “Gifts I’d Like”. You can’t get easier than that!

Tell your best friend in detail what you’d like, and then tell your husband to ask her advice. Ditto for children, if your kids are older. My youngest daughter knows a number of possible gifts I’d like for her to tell her dad (and her sister!)

And have an honest conversation about it, too, where you agree on how much you’ll each spend on each other. If debt is a problem for you, and he’s really dedicated to paying it off, then he may honestly feel that it’s not right to spend $100 or more on something for you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; it may just be that he wants to be responsible. If you each agree to a spending limit, then there’s less likelihood of a big surprise (like you buy him a 4 wheeler and he gets you a blender).

My husband and I have the opposite problem. I’m really not big on gifts (gifts are a NEGATIVE love language; on the whole I’d rather not get them because I feel obligated or awkward, and I buy myself the stuff I do want anyway). So when I tell my husband to NOT get me anything, and we agree that we won’t, I often stick to it, but he doesn’t. And then it’s awkward all over again.

I’ve had to ask him to be totally honest with me about whether he’s planning on getting anything, and how much he wants to spend, so that I can then try to be creative with gift ideas for him. I think I’ve made his Christmas less fun in the past because I can be a bit of a Scrooge, so I’ve tried to get myself more “in the mood” over the last few years.

2. The Person Who Cares About It More Should Take Responsibility For It

Here’s another scenario: you have visions of the family Christmas carolling, and baking cookies, and going out shopping, you with half the kids and him with half the kids, as you work through a list together. At the end you’ll meet up for some hot cocoa in the mall, and you’ll have the kids sit on Santa’s knee. It’ll be wonderful!

But he really doesn’t want to go to the mall. He doesn’t care much about baking. Sure, he likes Christmas, but he’s tired, and he’d rather do his Christmas shopping in a hurry, without the kids to drag along.

Or perhaps you have a Christmas card list of 150 people, including many of HIS old university friends, and you’d really like it if he would sit down and do the Christmas cards with you, or at least address the envelopes. But it’s like pulling teeth.

Do you get mad at him for it?

I think that’s a little unfair. You have one vision of Christmas that involves a lot of activity, but he has another vision. And one of the things that we often get most upset about our spouse for is that they’re not excited about the things we’re excited about.

We want them to FEEL it, not just DO it.

That’s asking too much. If it means more to you, then you should take more responsibility for it. It’s not fair to ask him to be excited about something he’s just not excited about.

Now, if there are a whole bunch of things that must be done, like buying presents for his nieces and nephews and parents, or picking up all the groceries for the big dinner you’re cooking, or mailing packages, it’s perfectly reasonable to sit down and list all the things that need to be done and then divvy it up. But it’s not reasonable to ask him to do things that are “extras”–and Christmas cards and sitting on Santa’s lap are extras, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you–and to be excited about it. He may see Christmas in a very different way from you, and that’s honestly okay.

3. Create New Christmas Traditions

If you both approach Christmas differently, then what about finding a third way–another way to do Christmas that’s different from what either of you envisioned? One thing that our family has done for the last few years is Board Game Boxing Day, where we stay in our pjs all day and go through the board games we have (I usually buy a new one for the family each year). It’s really fun! And it’s not something either of us did as kids.

Another big tradition is the Christmas Eve service. It seems like all of us are involved in one way or another–my girls with music (and sometimes me), or any of the four of us in drama. So Christmas Eve has become not about presents at all, but about church and worship, and it’s wonderful. Now we have that to look forward to.

For many families, the biggest source of tension is that you CAN’T seem to create your own traditions because you’re expected to play musical chairs all through the holidays, visiting everyone’s family and never being at home. And if divorce was a factor in your parents’ marriages, it’s even more complicated.

Pick a time when you’re not stressed, sit down with your hubby over coffee, and ask, “what do we really want our Christmas schedule to look like?” Jessica Fisher, author of A Simpler Season, suggests that you always spend Christmas at home, and then alternate years when you visit one family or the other. Or you could even visit both families one year, and the following year spend entirely at home. I think those are great ideas! Talk it through with your hubby and see what you can come up with so that you both can look forward to Christmas. Sometimes one of the reasons we dread the season is all of the traveling. It’s okay to sometimes say no.

4. Leave Some Space to Breathe

Perhaps the most important thing about Christmas–leave some space somewhere to breathe–to have fun as a couple, and a family. To sit around in your pyjamas. To think about the meaning of the season. To not be rushing around to everyone’s houses trying to visit family, and you leave no time to enjoy your own.

You’re much less likely to be annoyed with your hubby if you have some downtime to spend with him. If you need some help with all this, the ebook A Simpler Season helps you think through what’s really important, and comes with tons of planning sheets to help you focus on what’s meaningful, and let the other stuff not take as much time.

When you’re making your Christmas plans, then, remember that your marriage is more important than all of this fuss. Make sure you do things this month to make your marriage smoother, not to put bumps on the road. And if that means doing Christmas smaller, do it. If it means doing Christmas bigger (like it does for me!), then do that too. But in all, keep the focus where it should be: that we have a loving God who left Paradise to live among us, so that He could make a way for us to live forever with Him. That’s a wonderful thing to celebrate, and don’t let bathroom scales steal that joy.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Leave the URL of a blog post about marriage in the Linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can read this great marriage advice!

Comments

For us gift giving is a bit difficult bc neither of our love languages are receiving gifts and we both are tight with our money. So once we realized gifts were being unused or we couldn’t think of gifts we wanted we started providing experiences instead of gifts. So gingerbread house making, picnics, adventures to local places etc. It has worked well for us!

My husband and I discussed this and this year we are staying home on Christmas. We live near both our parents and in yours past Christmas has been a frantic Race to open our presents at home, cook dishes to take to my parents and his parents, get our three girls ready and gather all the presents and go to the dinners for the day. Needless to say Christmas in the past has been anything but peaceful so we are staying home all day in pjs and doing a simple dinner and just enjoying time together and lettin our girls 2, 4, and 6 enjoy their new things. My heart is already more at peace, so glad we settle this issue for this year.

I definitely know the feeling of Christmas disappointment. My husband insists that we spend thousands of dollars on the kids and I end up buying some wonderful touching gifts for my husband, run around like a maniac making everything perfect for him and the kids, and no one so much as makes ME a card. Hurts pretty bad.

I bet it does hurt! Can you sit down and talk with him and say, “I’m prepared to shop for the kids and for you, but in return I expect a gift of $x value, and it’s your responsibility to make sure the kids get me something/make me something?” Sometimes if we’re super up front about what we want it’s more likely to happen.

We live near a lot of family and have never had a Christmas with just ourselves and kids. But this year everyone else will be on vacation, so it will just be us. I am super excited! I have a lot of plans for things leading up to Christmas, including doing the twelve days of Christmas for a family near us who needs it. We are also limiting our gift giving- each kid will get “a want, a need, a wear and a read”. And a toy and candy from Santa. My husband doesn’t get into the Christmas prep as much as I do, so we have a deal. I get Christmas gifts ready for everyone, including our parents, kids and him. Then he gets me a couple things on my amazon wish list- usually with me sitting next to him while he orders it, and 1 surprise gift. Over the years that has evolved into a laundry basket of goodies that is just for me, so while it isn’t really a surprise, it is fun to see what goodies he chooses and I get a new laundry basket which I love.

That sounds perfect! And I love the way that you communicated to him what you need, but you also took control of the things that you just care about more than he does. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas at home!

We have both families in town and trying to find our Christmas was hard. I decided several years ago that I cared more about quality time than about the day. So my parents get Christmas Eve, my husbands huge family (crazy but fun) gets Christmas Day. I get December 26th. Yes we are all tired by that day, but since we plan it together the kids look forward to “their” Christmas. We choose our menu for the day and all help cook. We leave the Christmas cookies out all day and let everyone snack. We open our presents to each other (which aren’t much, but we have fun with it). We finish the advent devotional that we got behind on (always happens!). Play games, watch Christmas movies. And we play with everything we got as presents the past two days. I love it. I have a Christmas that I want with my husband and kids and no one in the extended family is disappointed with me because no one cares about December 26th. And maybe in the empty nest time, if my children are in town at Christmas, I’ll get to keep my December 26th Christmas because no one else will want than that day either. It’s worth a try anyway. But I’ve tried to teach my kids that the day itself isn’t as important ad the celebrations with family. So if we need to “move” a holiday or birthday in order to celebrate the way we really want to, so be it. We can declare the holiday or birthday to be whichever day that works best for us. Now my extended families don’t get this and they think we are crazy, but I’m happy with our family traditions and they work for us.

That sounds great! We’re doing a big family Christmas on the 26th this year, too. We’ve always had messed up “days” because with my husband being a physician, and with other physicians in our extended family, it’s always tough to find a day when no one is on call. So which date it is isn’t that important to me, either.

I can’t agree with you more about the time being more important than the day! My husband and I have always had a “we’re staying home for Christmas” policy as a general rule, and when we do decide to go someplace it’s the exception. This year, we were planning on staying home and some of our family was going to come visit us, but due to illness in that family we’re going there instead. I was pretty sad at first but then I just decided to move our Christmas up by a week so we would get to enjoy the presents before going to their house on Christmas day. I think it will be fun!

My husband and I have incorporated several family traditions that our parents didn’t do. It’s fun to decide those things as a couple. I think it makes you feel more unified and bonds you as a couple and family. And like you’ve said, Sheila, it can certainly head off any conflicts when we get on the same page! Thanks for your tips and hosting, my friend!Beth recently posted…3 Reasons Grief is Necessary to Forgiveness

Worst gift ever…gift certificate for waxing! LOL! But it was used!
My mum and dad just told us on the weekend how touched they are by our daily advent readings and worship-time (they spend a few days over Christmas with us each year). They enjoy the culmination on Christmas Eve of “birthday cake” and a Christmas stocking hung up for Christ; filled with notes from each family member on how they want to give more of themselves in the coming year. A collection of ten years rests in the toe!
I had to give up a frantic, over- stuffed “Christmas with meaning” that was making everybody tired and crabby. My husband had to give up “Santa Claus”. But we managed to include more people (14 last year), Christmas Eve church service, a rich and delicious buffet meal, and Christ as the centre of our home and celebration. A good trade.

I like your advice Sheila….Wow…i’m amazed at all the people posting saying they live near family and still take a day for their own…Because we are in that exact situation…we live in the same town as our families…but we are still running ragged on christmas to get to each place and cook and bake and clean up and frantically open presents…we just don’t enjoy it….our kids (8 and 9) are exhausted and ill and haven’t had a chance to play with their new stuff and we haven’t had any family time….I started to feel like I was being selfish and unloving for just wanting Christmas to be just ours…Am I? I tried talking to my mom(widow) about this to see if maybe we could celebrate Christmas the weekend before or after with her and my brother and all…but she was got so mad at me that I dropped it. I tried to remind her of how tired she was when my brother and I were little and how she wanted that day…..but it was no good…she thought i was just wanting to leave her all by herself on Christmas, and of course that’s not the case….and my husband’s family aren’t willing to compromise on their time either.which is kind of understandable since it’s such a big group..Any advice would be much appreciated because I’m really dreading Christmas this year. I want our own traditions…to make our Christmas special and I want it to be peaceful….And my husband is a police officer so he isn’t automatically off on Christmas like most people…Every year I end up just waiting for it to be over….and I don’t want to be like that any more. Please help!

Stephanie, what about having your mom over to your house? My mom comes over to our house every Christmas morning. She’s part of the tradition! We wait for her to open presents, and she sticks around most of the day. It’s fun. But she’s the one doing the driving and coming over, and we get to enjoy our home. But I know that may not work because some moms aren’t relaxing to have around. Mine is, and she’ll pitch in with making breakfast and setting the table and it’s all very easy. I know, though, that for many people having “Mom” into their house is stressful in and of itself. I hope I’m never that kind of mother!

Carrie and Sheila,
Thanks for replying! Those are great ideas…except for my mom wants my brother and his wife to celebrate with us altogether…unfortunately, my husband is not going to want to share Christmas with them all…he will see that as defeating the purpose really….my mom seems to add to the stress unfortunately….it’s sad really…we constantly walk on eggshells because we are afraid that what we say or do may be taken personally in a negative way….if the kids don’t react the way she expects to a gift she gets upset….that type thing..(and no, they are never rude…they know how to use good manners) .But she is dealing with depression since my dad died 4 1/2 years ago and wants us to establish some type of tradition ON Christmas day….She has other siblings and a mother still living…I’ve even tried suggesting that she spend that day with them and we could have a different day…but she thinks I’m pushing her away….But my husband and I just really want to create some good memories and traiditions with our own kids before they grow up and move on with their lives….I am trying to be compassionate and understanding with her wants and her situation…I don’t know where to draw the line though…because I still have a young family of my own.

That is hard. I suggest work with your husband to find a solution. Maybe go over for dinner, then you will have had all day at your own home and the time there is limited by bedtimes instead of just saying: we have to go.
Good luck!

I just really want to encourage you to talk with a pastor or mentor about the situation with your mom. You should not have to walk on tip toe around your mom – especially not at Christmas and especially not your kids. I would suggest figuring out what works for you (Christmas Eve brunch, lunch on Boxing Day, her coming over in the morning) and then sticking to it. You _are_ being gracious and kind in working to fit her into your Christmas. You _are_ a good daughter, and you absolutely are not responsible for her reacting poorly to your well intentioned words or actions. As you said – it’s not as though you’re relegating her to a lonely Christmas.Natalie recently posted…And the diagnosis was….

My husband and I do not have kids yet, so it will probably change when we do, but for now our Christmas schedule seems to work. All of both of our extended families live close (within an hour), so we spend time with everyone for Christmas. It is not necessarily on Christmas day though. My family doesn’t really care about “Christmas Day” so much as they just want to get together for some quality time. We typically do an overnight stay at someones house (ours, my sisters, my parents, etc.) on the weekend before Christmas and it is always so much fun because its not so rushed trying to make it to someone else’s house later in the day or anything like that. We typically will spend the night with my in-laws on Christmas Eve even though we live just across town. It is a tradition we started a couple years ago and I love it. We also started a tradition with them of making gingerbread houses on Christmas Eve which is so fun. My husband and I will usually exchange gifts and stocking on Christmas Eve morning before we head to the in-laws. But right now its just the two of us, so its not a big event. And there is extra extended family Christmases thrown in there on random days too, but it always works out.

As for gifts, I absolutely love giving gifts. I love receiving them too, but not as much as giving. I will tend to over do it (not on anything outrageous, but several smaller gifts that add up) sometimes when it comes to the money, but we aren’t hurting in that area right now, so I let myself get away with it. An area where my husband (and his family), and me (and my family) differ slightly is that me and my family like to buy gifts that we think the other person will like (and they usually do) rather than asking point blank what they want. My husband and his family ask for lists of suggestions. I get both sides—if you know what they want, then you will get them something that will be used and there wont be disappointment—however, I truly enjoy the surprise element of not telling people what I want and not knowing what they will probably get me. Unfortunately (I say its unfortunate, but it really is ok) for me, my husband always asks what I want and I almost always get exactly that. Also, I manage our finances on a daily basis, so I cant miss it when he buys my gift haha.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Hope everyone has a peaceful, joyous, holiday season. Merry Christmas!!

We do Christmas at my in-laws’ and New Years at my parents’. We celebrate Christmas on the nearest weekend and the New Years’ get together is whenever in December-January my brother and his wife can make it. They have their days scheduled up really early…
As for gift giving, we usually make a wish list, so people have an idea of what to get for their person (we do an exchange with each family), but we all try to be as original as possible. So you read the person’s list and try to think of something similar to what they are asking, or games and books are always good. We have lower budget limit than a lot of people do, so we try to get something nicer. We all get only a couple gifts a year, so it’s nice if it’s something the person will love/use a lot.
I’m making my sister a ‘spa’ gift basket, so I can do a variety of gifts, and spoil her a bit.

We’ve always done the “crazy” Christmas, but last year I put my foot down and declared that I was NOT leaving my house on the 25th. We’ll do Boxing Day instead.
Which meant my sister and her family were also “stuck at home” that day, and not at all happy about the idea. But it turned out they loved it, and this year they were the first to say “When are we getting together, but not the 25th.”
So just one person stopping the insanity can be a blessing for everyone else, too.

We’ve had many Christmas traditions over the years, but the one our children seem to like and remember best was throwing everyone in the back of my old pickup and driving around in the snow to look at Christmas lights. Thanks for your blog Sheila–you always have great stuff!

I’m the opposite of you Sheila. Gifts ARE my Love Language. I’ve taken the test over and over again and gifts always com out on top. I love to give as much as I love getting them.

That said, in the past,, hubby has gotten me jewelry from Kmart, which is not the best quality. I always wear a gold necklace with a cross pendant. Never take it off. Earlier this year a patient attacked me and broke my chain. I hadn’t gotten it fixed because I had a chain that he bought me for Christmas last year. Was fine until my coworker accidentally broke it. She got it fixed but then it got broken again!! So I went to put another necklace on with a cross pendant that he’d given me(also from Kmart) to wear and as I as adjusting the cross pendant, it came off the chain! Sheesh! So I nicely texted him. I appreciate the gifts but please, no more Kmart jewelry as their quality is not up to par. I’d rather have ONE nice piece under the tree than several pieces of lesser quality jewelry. We went by the new Jareds Galleria of jewelry store and he made a flippant comment about buying me something from there and I said yep a new 2 Carat diamond ring would make me happy–tee hee! lol

As for hubby, I’m at a loss as to what to get him because well, he has enough Steelers clothes, Ohio State Buckeyes gear, etc. And I’m clueless as to what to buy my 9 year old son! Girls are SO much easier to buy for I think! Son does not care for Legos. I’ve already bought him the newest Wimpy Kid book…sigh. I need to get him away from the Xbox!!

I always feel awkward receiving gifts. I love buying them for my kids. It’s hard to find fun ideas for my husband, but when I do have them, I love giving him gifts too. This year I actually have some good ideas, so I’m excited for Christmas. I also found this super cute idea on Pinterest that I know my husband will LOVE…. it’s the Twelve Lays of Christmas, instead of the 12 Days of Christmas. I need to get going on the little gifts, but I’m sure my cute hubby is going to be smiling the entire Christmas season this year! Here’s the link in case anyone is interested. It’s pretty tame…. http://loveactually-blog.blogspot.com/2010/11/12-lays-of-christmas.html

My husband and I are on totally different pages when it comes to Christmas. I’ve always hated it, it came with too much family drama and I was in the middle. Then I moved far from the rest of my family and it became extremely stressful for other reasons, mostly unreasonable expectations on my side and the rest of my family as well. This year my sister and her family are planning to come for Christmas and I am actually excited. I’ve gone through the motions every year for the kids, but this year I’m actually looking forward to it. I still think the whole gift giving scenario is insane though. I would rather buy things that people actually want or need when they need them, I’m not sure why we all need to give gifts at Christmas anyway… He disagrees, and totally loves it, so it looks like it’s a tradition that’s here to stay! I did tweak it a little though, and I do advent boxes every day in December leading up to Christmas. We have a card and it says the old testament prophecy about Jesus on the front and then kids get to guess what book it’s in, then inside they write in the OT verse from the reference on the left and the New Testament fulfillment on the right hand side, then they get to open the box that day so they get smaller presents leading up to Christmas, and ( if we stick to it and he doesn’t shop some more) they’ll get their one big present Christmas morning.

Growing up, my family always stayed home for Christmas and I LOVED it! We traveled to see family at other times, like Thanksgiving and 4th of July. That way, Christmas was much more relaxed. Then when family is together, everyone is more relaxed because there aren’t so many big expectations. And travel is usually cheaper the rest of the year!

This hit home personally for me. I’m kind of a Grinch about Christmas until about a week before it arrives. I just find all of the hullabaloo overwhelming.

Maybe it doesn’t help that for years I lived right by a mall, and driving anywhere from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day was a serious test of my Fruit of the Spirit. Then there’s my lack of domestic-diva ability and all of the related expectations of the season. And I’ll just say it (go ahead and throw tomatoes, people): I don’t like the Trans-Siberian Orchestra; I think they are trite and boring and I get really tired of hearing their songs during the holidays. And flipping the radio station only to be bombarded with Johnny Mathis tunes doesn’t help either. So yeah, I’m kind of bah-humbugish…right up until about a week before Christmas when I watch It’s a Wonderful Life or A Charlie Brown Christmas and then I’m okay.

But the point is that having a husband who doesn’t place unrealistic expectations on me and who willingly negotiates our plans with our families helps me to enjoy Christmas Day itself. We give each other grace over this holiday season and try to focus on others around us. When we finally get to our church’s Candlelight Service and sing “O Holy Night!” I feel enormously blessed to be celebrating the season with people I love, including a husband who helps my heart grow three sizes now and again.J (Hot, Holy & Humorous) recently posted…Two Words Your Higher-Desire Spouse Needs You to Hear

We sound so similar, J! I usually kick in around mid-December, too. I’m doing better this year, though, because I’ve realized I WANT to enjoy Christmastime for all kinds of reasons, and I do need to slow down sometimes, too.

I am married to a christmas elf.Hubby loves to decorate, shop and wrap.The kids and I do the cookies. I do the christmas card/newsletter to the far flung relatives. We tend to be low key. Hubby and I worked out the division of labor a long to time ago. Now that the kids are older working the division of shopping duties is more of challenge. Amazon wishlists are great.

My husband tries, and it’s so sweet. I’m the one who handles all the bills, and I buy 95% of the Christmas presents. Last year, we were so broke, he didn’t have any money for me. I have dozens of picture frames and some pictures printed, so he made some collages and hung them for me. One of the best presents ever. This year he told me I need to tell him exactly what to get. I told him something that he and the kids made that I can hang or put on a shelf.
He has had some misses though. I like scrapbooking, and he got me stickers I wouldn’t use in a million years. But I will, because he thought of me, and the kids helped.

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