Armstrong Leaves Charity, Eyes Pharma Endorsements

Livestrong officials breathed a sigh of relief as disgraced bike rider Lance Armstrong stepped down from the charity before his stink permanently affixed itself to the organization like a barnacle on a sinking ocean liner.

“Thank God. If I had to pretend that asshole was innocent for one more minute, I would have started praying to get cancer myself,” said one staffer.

“Now I can get on with what my life really has been all about,” said Armstrong. “Shooting juice in my ass, chasing chicks, and making money.”

According to insiders, Armstrong is being courted by Merck to peddle “GoGo Juice” and Dow Chemical for their new growth hormone made from the testicles of polar bears – “Grrrr”.

“I’m going to make so much money endorsing growth hormones, Mitt Romney’s going to ask me for a loan. Fuck dignity,” laughed Armstrong as he bit the head off a kitten while punching a grandmother in a wheelchair. “By the way, I’m still totally fucking innocent.”