‘Hawaii Five-0:’ Magnum and Simon & Simon, still the champions

Don't lie. You know this was the hottest match up out of the entire two hours. (CBS)

drum drum drum CROSS OVER!

Moonlight is still AWOL and Caano is keeping the home fires burning. When he isn’t listening to Adele’s 21 and crying softly to himself, he’s pouring over every bit and scrap of information related to Shelbourne. James Caan wasn’t available for this episode, so it falls to Jin Ho to provide the couples counseling. Moonlight needs answers. He needs to know why his father was murdered. Caano is all like, ‘His father is dead. I’m here and I NEED HIM.’

Boomer maybe has a boyfriend (or girlfriend), but I totally hope it’s a boyfriend because HELO! OR MAYBE CHIEF! BUT MOSTLY HELO! IF I CAN’T HAVE SUN AT LEAST LET ME HAVE HELO! Jin Ho adorably teasing her about it is adorable. He tells her she “has that glow.” Boomer insists she does not glow. You might not, but your spine does.

So, I don’t know, there’s smallpox? Or maybe just a guy cosplaying Baron Harkonnen in honor of the second half of this two night event? Anyhoo, there’s dead guys and weaponized smallpox being tested under the guise of a clinical trial. Which is why, no matter how broke you are, you don’t need that $250 to participate in the medical study advertised in the back of your local free weekly. Moving on. A fingerprint leads Five-0 to a Romanian crime lord, Dracul Comescu. “He’s not a vampire.” HAH! He is on NCIS:Los Angeles’ watch list, and that’s enough to get LL Cool J and Robin on a plane to Oahu. I guess Dracul is their Wo Fat? He tried to kill Robin’s entire family? “Well, that happens.” Ladies love cool James, and apparently so does Moonlight. He owes LL a steak dinner. Who doesn’t McG owe steak dinners to? I once had a homeless guy at the bus stop stroke my hair and offer to buy me a steak dinner. Fair play to him, my hair was particularly silky that day. Caano plays nice, but you know inside he’s seething and making a mental note to delete all of LL’s music from Moonlight’s iPod. LL then rides shotgun with him during a thrilling high speed pursuit, and though he goes through the cargument motions, Caano’s heart just isn’t in it. He should be the one in the passenger seat telling Moonlight how to drive. Alas.

The team finds the holding area where the smallpox strain was being tested, but the three subjects are dead. Robin is all like, ‘Holy GSW to the head LL, smallpox didn’t kill these men!’ They call in Max and the biohazard team, but we are cruelly robbed of a scene showing Caano, Jin, LL, and Robin stripping down for their decontaminating hosing off. Boo! Instead, we skip right to the part where Caano takes a page from Moonlight’s playbook in the interrogation of Dracul’s driver, Victor from Dollhouse. YAY, VICTOR FROM DOLLHOUSE! Seriously y’all, Enver Gjokaj should be on all of the shows. ALL OF THE SHOWS!! Caano drops a live grenade in his lapthrows him to the sharksdangles him off a high rise pretends to inject him with smallpox. Victor sings like an Active programmed to be a backup singer – slash – body guard for a pop star with a death wish. It’s going down at the International Market. Dracul is going to sell the smallpox to a faction of Chechen rebels and pick up a few t-shirts, sarongs, and cultured pearls for the folks back home. As they wait for Tino the crime lord to show, LL wonders why Caano dresses like that. SILENCE! The ties are gone and there is nothing wrong with the ever so slightly too tight dress shirts. LL thinks it’s not a style, it’s a bad habit. I guess if by that he means Caano should stop wearing shirts altogether, then I am fine with that. Kono spots the Chechens from her sniper perch and LL and Caano take them into custody. Robin pursues Dracul on foot while Jin is confronted by a stand off with the bodyguard. He grabs a civilian and Boomer takes him out. Boomer and her sniper rifle make me all tingly. Running through the market. Running through the market. Running through the market. Dracul reaches into his pocket for a vial – presumably to smash it and release the pox – and Robin puts two in his chest.

The boys celebrate at Kamekona’s shrimp truck. I’m going to assume that Boomer WAS INVITED but decided to hang out with Helo instead. As one would. After thinking on it all episode, LL decides that Caano’s car should be called Winifred. Winifred? Is he an Angel fan? Caano would prefer something nice, simple, and less grandmotherly. Like Misty. “That’s a stripper name.” Caano is okay with that. The party is cut short when Boomer calls with the news that the vials did not contain smallpox. They were switched out for saline, Boomer suspects, by the doctor running the experiment. His name is Dr. Jarrod Probeman, and when he’s not trying to weaponize deadly diseases, he’s a prophet of the Lord. The team race to the airport, but they’re too late. The prophet Chuck pulled another switch and his plane is already on the ground at LAX.

“Our suspect is on the mainland with nine vials of smallpox.”

One night later and 20 minutes earlier. Chuck’s plane is on final approach when the flight attendant realizes there’s someone in the lavatory. She’s been in there of a while … They pop the lock and find the body of a woman bleeding out from her eyes and nose. So, Chuck weaponized the smallpox into ebola? Not wanting to upset their customers, the flight crew allow the passengers to deplane before removing the body. Right. Of course. Naturally. Because no one saw Contagion. Well, no one did, but THAT’S NOT THE POINT. The point is, you find a body oozing from all orifices, you set up a quarantine area to limit exposure, treat the affected, and find out what caused it. I saw that episode of ER. Anyhoo, there’s a lot of running through the airport and MOVE MOVE I NEED EYES ON THE SUSPECT NOW and standing in front of walls of flat screen monitors, and here’s the thing. I don’t watch NCIS:LA. I’m sure that the banter and quirky interpersonal relationships mean something to regular viewers, but for me it was just a lot of meh filler until Jin and Caano showed up again. My take away from this episode is that, with the exception of LL and Shadout Mapes …

NCIS: LA is populated entirely by Westons.

You know I’m right. I mean, H50 isn’t good per se, but at least it’s entertaining.

Also, one of the NCIS techies may actually be this guy. He’s got a report due on space. Tip o’the hat to @95Sports for that bit of eagle-eyed way backery.

Moving on. Caano, Jin Ho, Robin, and LL arrive at NCIS:HQ. Shadout Mapes breaks out the crysknives, plenary powers, and box of smallpox vaccine she keeps in her bottom drawer next to her stillsuit and flask of water of life. There’s a whole long thing about tall shaggy blonde guy not liking needles, and for that much set up the least they could do is have him drop his pants. Denied.

The teams caravan to Chuck’s apartment in Venice, because God forbid anyone in LA carpool. The NCIS writers take a stab at a cargument, and no. Just no. Robin suggests he and LL should retire together to a nice warm island. LL tells him he should start scrapbooking their cases. Nice try. Better luck next cross over. They wait for Chuck outside his building but he makes them and runs. Chuck Shurley knows better. He’s answered that knock before. Knowing he can’t outdistance LL and Jin, he grabs an unattended beach cruiser. He cuts a corner and pitches himself over the handlebars and into a vendor’s stall. He manages to stumble three more paces before LL and Jin slam him face down into the sand. Poor Chuck. I bet he’s wistful for the salad days of searing migraines and exploding water balloons full of chunky soup. LL and Robin lead his interrogation which needs more blue lighting and better threats than five times the death penalty. Chuck is made of less stern stuff than Oahu perps, and he leads them to another doctor, the true mastermind. Shaggy blonde breaks into her office and notices the hand written crazy on the wall. “And the four angels who had been preparing for this very hour and day and month and year were released to kill a third of mankind.” So, the really, truly actual culprit is Meg, and the smallpox is actually the Croatoan virus and everybody just needs to push pause and call the Winchesters? But instead there’s a bunch of white supremacists? And college kids with smallpox infected t-shirts? I don’t know, they catch the doctor and the world is saved. Yay! Pleasantries, hand shakes, and congratulations all around. Also,

“Good luck with your gypsy blood feud.”

That is totally my new “Have fun storming the castle.” And with that, let’s get our boys on the first flight back to Oahu and never speak of NCIS again.

This is Whitney inviting you to be with us next week. Be here, Monday at 9:00 p.m. on CBS. Aloha.

And lower ratings too….. I love both shows, but I think both casts are great, due to this second season, clearly NCISLA has a better writing team….
I love the 5-0 cast, but saying they´re better than Linda Hunt is a strech.