Sharknado

Updated on July 28, 2013

This could be you. A sharknado alert is in effect.

Imagine, if you will...

Massive weather fronts collide over the Pacific ocean. Energy contributed by warm ocean waters causes a storm to materialize. Where there was once calm and surfing there is now a killer tornado sucking up helplessly dangerous sharks.

It could happen, and it did.

If you believe in global warming, you're probably inhabiting the demographic at which Sharknado focuses. Good folks at the Syfy Channel considerately programmed this cinematic exposition rather than subject us to dead air or a test pattern. The latter would have been more intellectually stimulating and the former would have made more sense. You can't have everything.

Mansquito, Piranhaconda, et al.

The Sharknado franchise represents a mostly logical progression from previous SyFy channel cinematic dalliances. Mansquito chronicled one man's transformation from prison lifer to blood-sucking insect. Similarities were too many to ignore: the journey didn't take all that long. In the (happy?) end he was electrocuted anyway.

Roger Corman had his hand in Piranhaconda, which should tell you all you need to know but won't get us to 850 words, so we'll reiterate. The movie demonstrates no Sy but lots of Fy as this vengeful creature simply appears in Hawaii at a really bad time for anything that is not a Piranhaconda. Man, it's hungry. Certainly there's a Publix or a Costco downtown, but Twinkies must have been out of stock or the coupon was expired or the Piranhaconda couldn't get a customer loyalty card. I think combining a piranha with an anaconda is why PETA was invented.

portmanteau? Of course

Combining two words and their meanings is how the SyFy Channel titles their movies and is also called a portmanteau. If you win Double Jeopardy, you owe me a pizza.

Here are some portmanteau-ed cinematic extravagances to anticipate:

Prezzlesnake: Born in Hawaii, a well-meaning American citizen morphs into some kind of political candidate that is elected to the highest office in the land. Starring Snoop Dog and a CG reptile rendered by Pixar.

BallHog: Stadium hot dogs, stored too close to the pitchers' radar gun, morph into evil steroid-enriched swine that root up the infield during the 7th inning stretch. Starring Arnold Ziffel and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

TwittoSaurus: An unregistered smartphone downloads virus-laden Angry Birds apps and morphs into a self-aware cyborg with a Twitter account. Starring Bill Gates and 16GB of RAM.

Could there be a Sharknado?

Offshore storms pack many joules of energy. According to Wikipedia and Askapedia and Stuffopedia, sharks do not swim in packs but they will congregate where food is plentiful and they do hang out together at mating time. According to Internet logic, yes, a sharknado could happen.

What should you do if you witness a Sharknado?

Change your pants.

Beyond that, you're on your own. No one knows how sharks respond to being levitated and tossed about by rotating wind patterns in highly populated areas. At sea it's no big deal unless mating season is in effect.

We highly recommend HD YouTube videos with Dolby sound. That's not really a survival tip but it's always nice to have a goal, even if you're staring down the maw of a shark being tossed about by rotating wind patterns.

What warning systems are in place?

Your local news is on your side. To that end, expect the Channel X Weather professionals to constantly be on high alert for the slightest possibility of conditions that under the proper circumstances show potential signs of morphing into a sharknado.

Stay tuned to local frequencies for breaking information as it becomes available. Also be scanning for the hashtag #OHMYGOODNESSHERECOMESASHARKNADO.

What endorsements could a Sharknado get?

A pop culture icon completes the circle of life by endorsing products. Sharknado representation of consumer goods, high-end automobiles, and financial instruments must be inevitable. Even the most ardent shark eventually grows tired of being swept up during mating season and hurled into people eating ice cream on the boardwalk.

Scientists toil endlessly toward decals that relentlessly adhere to sharkskin and resist violent wind forces. A terrible sea creature with an STP sticker on its' back is gold, baby.

Can the government protect us?

An indestructible shark-proof wall running the length of California's coast should obscure the view, but probably won't prevent sharknado attacks. Government officials and apparatchiks toil mercilessly to ensure that imminent sharknado rumors do not morph into actual attacks against voting people eating ice cream on the boardwalk.

We may need a Department of Homeland Sharknados. No one wants to be the next victim. This utter danger must be legislated out of existence before the next election cycle. Call your local lobbyist and tell them to put the finger on your local candidate.

Sharknado Haiku

It's 5, 7, 5 in case you forgot...

Picking up the fishSpinning counterclockwise nowcinematic dreck

SyFy makes it liveWe watch on cable TVBrain cells cry softly

don't be afraid nowyou are looking down the mawmake a video

Conclusion

It's more entertaining than Bill O'Reilly. And Al Sharpton. And Bill O'Reilly and Al Sharptonput together.

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Comments 16 comments

I only studied the French language briefly in school, but I thought that the French use the word 'portmanteau' to describe those large luggage bag thingies? I guess many folks now use it to stand for words with baggage, such as two words merging to form one. Personally, instead of portmanteau words, I prefer euphemisms. Ha!

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Insane Mundane: I looked up the definition of portmanteau on Wikipedia. Honestly.

Austinstar 3 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Did you forget the requisite three photos, a poll, map and quiz? I did not see these or perhaps the sharknado got them?

Can the government protect us? Surely you jest, sir! I feel protected daily from whatever the spinning globe throws my way.

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Austinstar: A MAP! Genius. Thanks for reminding us.

I feel swaddled by my government.

Austinstar 3 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

ewwww. Who will change our diapers?

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Austinstar: that's a human right.

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

Just had a brilliant thought, nicomp. Maybe we could direct the sharknado to move inland and descend on Congress.

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj : Professional courtesy would prevent them from doing any harm.

JBeadle 3 years ago from Midwest

Sharknado is awesome. Especially when watched with a group of friends who are drunk. Drunk enough that they enjoy the movie but not so drunk that they start pointing out the improbability of it ever occurring. Forcing you to send them home and removing them from your cell's contacts list. Hypothetically.

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@JBeadle I think you are describing how it was written.

JBeadle 3 years ago from Midwest

I heard it was based on the title and the ending "Fin" and then it just wrote itself!

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@JBeadle, it was based on something?

JBeadle 3 years ago from Midwest

Based on awesomeness!!!!

nicomp 3 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@JBeadle -- Duke still stinks.

JBeadle 3 years ago from Midwest

I understand. They will be very good again this year - probably Nat'l Champions.