Chronicle Column: Ten Commandments of mail

Since beginning my rants, many people have requested that I put them on my list of “Fabulous People” or “Fabulous Things.” Please stop. It’s getting old. I will decide who I praise and who I make fun of. With this in mind, we are off on another one of Brendan’s fabulous student center reports. Today’s topic: the post office.

I love the people who work at the post office in the student center. They put up with obnoxious students. They hand out paychecks and meter my mail for me.

In order to make the people in mail service lives a little easier, here are 10 rules for everyone.

I. Thou shalt not roll your eyes at the people behind the counter because the package that was sent out yesterday isn’t here yet. Give it time. If it is that important go get it from the mall. I am sure that new pair of sneakers can wait for a week.

II. Thou shalt not ask “Do I have a package?” The second rule goes along with the first. If there is no slip of paper indicating you have a package, guess what, you have nothing. The post office people don’t steal the cookies grandma sent. Chances are if they were sent and you never received it, there is some homeless guy in the Bronx enjoying that home cooking.

III. Thou shalt not forget your combination. You have very few combinations that are assigned to you in life. Remember this one set of numbers. It isn’t that difficult: 25 to the left, 4 to the right, 17 to the left, turn knob right to open. It is just that simple.

IV. Thou shalt put your whole name on a package (This applies to faculty as well). There are duplicate names on this campus. The whole name and address should be visible on the outside of the package and letters. Please tell Aunt Sophie that calling you “kitten” on your birthday card means it will be sent back to her because as far as Quinnipiac is concerned, you are Timothy, not “kitten.”

V. Thou shalt not put only your box number on a package. Put the school’s address on one line and your box number on the second. It works, trust me.

VI. Thou shalt not ask about stamps. The post office does not sell stamps or money orders, regardless of what they tell you on tours.

VII. Thou shalt not try to get a package without any form of ID. It holds up the line when you say, “But I really need my DVD mommy sent.” If it’s that important have an ID. And how do you get into your room without your Q-card anyhow?

VIII. Thou shalt not drop off half addressed packages. They will be returned to you. Furthermore, do not sit there and fill out forms while a line forms behind you. Be considerate.

IX. Thou shalt not whine when you are told you need to carry the box back to your room by yourself. There is no concierge service on the campus. Get over yourself.

X. Thou shalt not ask to see the size of the box before signing for it, and then ask the office to hold it if it’s too bulky to hold during a class. The post office isn’t a staging area for all your belongings.

I observed all of these things at the post office on Valentine’s Day, and throughout my six years of working behind the counter.