10 Suit Stereotypes Types to Avoid

Only certain dudes should be pulling off certain styles

Looking great in a suit is about simplicity and honesty. Your shoes should match your belt. Black suits are only for weddings and funerals. And the rest is mostly confidence.

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The trend right now (if that matters) is slim, clean, single-breasted suits with thin lapels, skinny ties (tie width = lapel width), and patterns on patterns. Avoid pleats, brown shoes are more stylish than black, and you should own at least one sport coat. Also, pull your fucking pants up, guy.

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Your suit reflects you and your values. Here are 10 types of guy you see in a suit store that you might want to avoid becoming.

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1 – THE TENT

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If your suit resembles a tarp, has Arsenio Hall shoulder pads, or the coat comes down to your knees, it means you’re old, generally speaking. A lot of guys who peaked in the 80s insist on this look.

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2 – THE ASIAN MALE MODEL

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This is what a metrosexual fashion magazine will tell you is in right now. They will tell you to wear your suit skin-tight, short pants to show off your fancy socks or no socks at all. (How does that smell at the end of the day, Hansel?) The micro-point collar will accompany some kind of pink neon bow tie with yellow suspenders. Think: Pee-Wee Herman.

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NB: If you’re an eccentric multimillionaire—or on the way to becoming one—you can pull this off.

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3 – THE LEGALIST

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There are rules. If the rules are not followed to the letter, then society will fall apart. Moms, wives, brides-to-be, and (strangely) guy friends often fall into this category. They were brought suit shopping as a second opinion (or a first opinion). They learned from their dad 15 years ago that yellow ties only go with blue shirts. They are brand-loyal. They need this chance to taste authority and no Suit Guy is going to take it away. Fashion is an art more than a science and as long as your belt matches your shoes, the rest is confidence.

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4 – THE WACKY UNCLE

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He is having fun, so you can fuck right off. He might be wearing a blue coat and black pants with running shoes, a crooked and very wide tie and bifocal sunglasses. He’s posted up at the buffet table and you’re not getting the last crab cake. I have no problem with this guy. He needs to impress exactly zero people.

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5. ZOOT-SUIT RIOT

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I learned a bit of swing dancing. I get it. Manhattan pinstripes (big, wide ones) look cool in the movies and the wallet-chain is totally practical and totally badass. The fedora probably doesn’t match the fucking huge suit. It’s a costume. These guys do rock pretty sweet shoes, though.

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6 – GANGSTERS

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These guys are like zoot-suit guys but they get laid more—and their suits fit. They combine the wallet chain, love of pinstripes and white shirts with black ties, and added: cocaine, hair gel, and obnoxious jewelry. Think: Jersey Shore or Growing Up Gotti.

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7 – THE KEN DOLL

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He is merely an extension of his woman’s will. A mindless blank canvas for her to express herself. A bride gets a pass on this one when dressing her groom because she’s the visual star of that particular show. But when you’re putting together a wardrobe to celebrate your promotion or you’ve been married for ten years, you should be able to decide if you like red or blue, and know what your pants size is. No one’s asking you to buy a subscription to GQ. But it’s demoralizing when you need your mom to pick out your shoes, or she scolds you because “you don’t like checked shirts, dummy.”

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8 – JOHNNY CASH

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I know, bro. I tried it too. We all do. It even looks OK sometimes. The problem is: you’re not Johnny Cash.

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9 – DEATH OF A SALESMAN

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His collection of exactly four stain-resistant suits (two navy, one grey, one brown) fit pretty well, he knows the difference between wool and viscose blends, he has backup suspenders in his trunk and he keeps his shoes polished. None of this is any fun for him.

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He’s actually got great suit game buried somewhere deep down inside but he kinda just doesn’t really care anymore because he hasn’t gotten a blowjob in four years, three months and seventeen days—and Linda’s pissed because he forgot to buy cilantro on the way home.

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10 – KIDS

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Normal well-adjusted adult men tend to avoid: red leather suits, Dumb and Dumber-orange tuxedos, all-camouflage suits (camouflage trim is ok), and any kind of casual clothing with a tie painted on. I once saw a student in his twenties wear a one-piece jumper tuxedo to a gallery opening. The gross middle-aged libs and kooky-cucky academics thought it was brilliant and fawned over him. I wanted to break his glasses and fuck his girlfriend.