Anyway, it’s about heaven and how Veronica Mars doesn’t belong there, and it just ended its first (only????) season with an awesome twist that my daughter informs me I totally called back in the fall when we first started watching it.

So, just so you know, even if I can’t remember doing it, I am apparently a twist-calling genius, and everyone should appreciate me more.

You should watch it.

Actually, you should’ve watched it when it was airing, because it might not be back for a second season, and that would be sad, because it’s really funny.

I enjoy Zachary Levi. He was funny in Chuck, and he’s tall, handsome and nerdy, which is my perfect boy. So I’d been really hoping he’d get some acting work that wasn’t just voiceover roles, because, while he does have a great voice, have you seen him?

Well, now you have.

But they’re putting him on the Heroes reboot, which sounds like just a terrible idea, and I didn’t even start watching the original series again when they put Veronica Mars or Ray Park on there, so why do they have to waste Zachary Levi on this WAHHHHHHHH!

I know I’ve been overreacting to things a lot, but I’ve got a legitimate beef here and — OH MY GOD WHAT IF THEY MAKE HIM GO BLONDE LIKE THIS AGAIN NOOOOOOOOO.

Elsa is an orphan queen who has snow powers somehow. I’d call her the Snow Queen, but Frozen really isn’t anything at all like the Hans Christian Anderson story it’s supposedly based on, so doing so would be silly. She stars in a really popular Disney movie that has women actively doing something for once instead of just sitting around waiting for men to save them, so I kind of forgive them for completely changing the fairy tale.

At least it doesn’t have the heavy-handed Christian symbolism that the original had, I guess.

The Ice King is a wizard with powers over snow. He is a character in one of the best cartoons ever, Adventure Time, which I don’t know why you’re not all watching it right now, all the time, because it’s just wonderful, and you totally should.

I mean, it’s got snowmen hordes and everything!

So: Elsa. The Ice King. In a battle, which is more a list of things and then I say which one is better at that thing. Whatever. Let’s rock!

Physicality. You know who’s pretty? Frozen’s Elsa is pretty. She’s got big sparkly eyes and long silver hair and the whole Disney animation thing going for her. The Ice King is … not so pretty. Not so pretty at all. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Pretty and contemplative.

Has a big scruffy beard? Like the gentlemen from ZZ Top, the Ice King has a big scruffy beard. Elsa is a pretty lady, so she doesn’t. Winner? The Ice King.

You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to use an image of ZZ Top on this blog.

Has a catchy theme song that just everybody is singing nowadays? A song you can’t escape right now is Let it Go, which I thought was pretty the first time, when Idina Menzel was singing it, because oh my god her voice, but have gotten more and more sick of every time I’ve heard it since. The Ice King sings sometimes, but he doesn’t have a very good voice and, also, does anybody even remember that song he sang with Marceline the Vampire Queen? Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

Man, I get teary just thinking about this episode.

Is a tragic character? Elsa from Frozen is apparently a walking metaphor for coming out of the closet. She’s different from everyone else, and she must keep her differentness hidden, or else the world would fear and hate her. Also, her parents die in a shipwreck, because Disney hates parents unless they’re buying Disney merchandise for their children. Eventually, Elsa’s differentness is revealed, and she is reviled (I chose that for the slant rhyme. You’re welcome.), and she runs off to become fabulous. But then her sister tracks her down and brings her home and everything’s all right with the power of love. The Ice King is really Simon Petrikov, who was cursed with snow powers by a … erm, is there a synonym for cursed that would make sense in this context? … cursed crown, his own true self lost under layers of sheer and utter crazy. Also, he survived the apocalypse. That’s tragic. Winner? The Ice King, because love hasn’t conquered all for him…. Yet.

Get on it, love. I just want poor Simon to be happy.

Has a better sidekick? Elsa from Frozen has a stupid talking snowman. I hate that guy. The Ice King, on the other hand, has various penguins named variations of Gunter. They are so cute, and also evil. Cute little evil penguins. Winner? The Ice King.

Awwww!

Has cooler ice powers? Elsa’s ice powers form a cool castle. The Ice King’s ice powers also form a cool castle. Elsa’s ice powers bring winter to her kingdom. The Ice King’s ice powers can also do that. Elsa’s ice powers transform her boring dress into a gorgeous, slinky gown. The Ice King’s powers … don’t so much. Winner? Elsa from Frozen, by one slinky dress.

I told you she got fabulous.

Has better friends? Elsa’s best friend is her sister Anna, who is secretly Veronica Mars. That’s really awesome. The Ice King’s best friends are Finn and Jake, which would be super awesome, because Finn is an adventuring human (the last of his kind) and Jake is a magical talking dog, but they don’t really like the Ice King very much because he’s just so crazy. Winner? Elsa from Frozen.

I wish Veronica Mars was my friend, but only if she doesn’t have to solve my gruesome murder.

So this weekend, it was someone’s birthday, and as a good whatever to someone, I took her to see Frozen, because little someones love Disney and Disney princesses and the color pink.

12 million little girls just died of happiness.

Anyway, there were two really great things about Frozen. The first is that some of the animation was really gorgeous. The second is that HOLY GOD IDINA MENZEL HAS AN AMAZING VOICE. Every time she sings, it’s all like, whoa. It’s like that because her voice is so amazing you get all stupid for a minute, and all you can do is say “Whoooaaa.”

AND OMIGOD HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN? WHOOOOOAAAA.

There were also some less awesome things about Frozen, like WHAT IS DISNEY’S DEAL WITH WOLVES, ANYWAY? There’s seriously a scene where the town has been frozen over for, at most, six hours, and our heroes are attacked by a wolf pack, because wolves always attack people, and especially in packs, and never when they’re starving. DAMMIT DISNEY, do you all own ranches or something?

Pictured here: A horrific killer who will stop at nothing until it has buried its teeth in your throat and also the throats of all your family.

Also, there’s a last-minute personality switcheroo that frees up our heroine to pick her other love interest, because God knows she couldn’t possibly dump a nice guy just because she’s in love with someone else. Also because it can’t be a Disney movie without a villain, I guess, even though they could have totally made the ending work without having Character Name Redacted, Even Though I Gave It Away With The Whole Love Interest Thing turning evil, but whatever. Easier.

Eh, whatever. It’s Prince Hans. He’s secretly evil.

And the living snowman guy was cute at times, but mostly annoying, but every single little someone in the audience thought he was the best thing ever, so what do I know about what kids like, I guess.

Less than dancing snowmen, apparently.

So, yeah, Frozen is totally worth seeing because I cannot say enough how awesome Idina Menzel is, and also Veronica Mars does a nice job, even if she is going by “Kristen Bell” nowadays, but I just want to warn you that it is nothing like The Snow Queen, but little kids don’t care because who reads fairy tales nowadays anyway?

I can only assume that is why Hollywood put Cher (!!!!!) and Veronica Mars (!!!!) in the same (!!!!) movie(!!!!)!!!!

Oh, yeah, and Christina Aguilera is in it too.

So Burlesque looks like one of those Hollywood musicals that have enjoyed a bit of a resurgence lately, or else Showgirls with less nudity. The trailer‘s only two and a half minutes long. It’s hard to tell.

They do really, really want you to know it's called Burlesque, though.

But what I can tell is that:

Cher does not actually melt under all that lighting like you kind of expect she would do.

It's a plastic surgery joke. Yes, I'm lazy.

Stanley Tucci is in the movie for some reason, possibly because some Hollywood producer said, “We can’t make a movie and call it Burlesque and NOT put Stanley Tucci in it,” and then snorted some cocaine, I don’t know.

"I can't believe she's not melting either."

Christina Aguilera seems to be acting her little heart out, which goes about as well as you would expect, but it’s nice to see her trying. (Actually, she’s not as terrible as some singers who attempt acting, and I just *heart* all her little wigs.)

Totally cute wig.

Veronica Mars currently has yet to find a career trajectory that is consistent and awesome.

And, omigod, who put her in that dress, I hate them and I hate it.

There’s a lot of shimmying and sparkly costumes.

I don't even know who this is, but she seems to be enjoying her sparkly costume and the shimmying.

There’s some kind of romance storyline shoehorned in there, but who cares because of the aforementioned shimmying.

Eh, this picture looks kind of romantic or something.

And … that is all. Really, this movie looks like a big fluffy ball of fluffiness, and it has Cher and Veronica Mars, so I can’t hate it on principle. But I can forget it exists, and I assure you that I will do that as soon as this post is finished.

So there’s celebrities I want to slap for no apparent reason other than their faces annoy me. (I’m really sorry, Tom Hanks. I know you don’t deserve it!)

There’s celebrities who deserve a good slap for being the spectacular oxygen-sucks of nastiness that they are. (I am air-slapping in your general direction, reality television “stars!)

Then there’s celebrities that really surprise me because I think they would be going around slapping people all the time and they don’t.

Here’s 10 of them.

1. Christian Bale. After his on-set verbal explosion and the way he (allegedly) beat up his mother and sister, I was really expecting him to go on a slapping tour of America. And then he didn’t. That was really surprising.

I mean look at that face! Deep down, you know he wants to slap you.

2. Nicole Ritchie. She just seems like a slapper, you know? But I think she actually uses her fist. Odd, that.

Seems like a hair puller too.

3. Tyra Banks. It just seems like more episodes of America’s Next Top Model should end with Tyra slapping all hope of modeling out of some of these girls, but she never does. If it wasn’t for giant pendulums, that would really disappoint me.

Bitches, I'll show you fierce!

4. Richard Belzer. Not that he strikes me as the diva type, but it just seems like a Munch-ish mannerism, you know? “Don’t lie to me like I’m Montel Williams!” *slap!*

Maybe a good pistol whip is forthcoming, I don't know.

5. Kristen Bell. She must have some great bodyguards, because otherwise I would expect her hand to get sore, all the slapping of geek stalkers she should be doing.

I mean, some GREAT bodyguards. She's just asking for trouble.

6. “Sylar.” I don’t remember the actor’s name and I can’t be arsed to look it up, but it seems like someone who’s been trapped on Heroes this long and could do better would really be slapping more people by now.

For Christ's sake, Milo! Sod off! I mean it!

7. William Shatner. I expect the slapping almost as a tic from him. “Hey, Bob, how’s it going?” *slap!* “Oww, William, why’d you just slap me?” “I didn’t slap you!” *slap!*

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three! The left ear, the right ear and the final frontier!

8. Jillian Michaels. Yeah, she’s a little butch to be slapping, so I know you’re thinking, but wouldn’t she be punching people? Except I think she knows a slap is much more demeaning, so she would do it. Constantly.

Hey! You know what sounds like fun? A battle of teenaged blonde detectives sounds like fun!

In this corner, we have Nancy Drew, the first teen crime-solver known to adolescent girl. She’s “as immaculate and self-possessed as a Miss America on tour. She is as cool as a Mata Hari and as sweet as Betty Crocker,” according to some random character that I never heard of. I’m having trouble reconciling all those different things she’s like, but maybe that’s just me. I’m sure, if anyone can be a Miss American spy/baker, it’s Nancy Frakkin’ Drew. (On a related note, she’s also described as being able to dance like Ginger Rogers and give first aid like the Mayo Brothers, which leads me to believe she actually suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder.)

She looks awfully brunette here, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and go with “dark blonde.”

In the other corner, we have Veronica Mars. On television, she’s portrayed by Kristen Bell.

Someday, I’ll be portrayed on television as Kristen Bell. Because we could totally be twins or something.

Let’s get to the battle, here, people!

Physicality. They’re both teenaged blonde detectives. I’m sure, in addition to being composed like a Miss America, Nancy Drew also looks like one, because who wants to read about dumpy teens solving crimes? Fat kids, that’s who. On the other hand, that thing I said earlier: “In the other corner, we have Veronica Mars. On television, she’s portrayed by Kristen Bell.” Winner? I think we can safely say that the girl who launched thousands of nerd fantasies wins. That’s Veronica Mars, for those of you keeping score at home.

Holy posing, Batman! Don’t her legs go on FOREVER in this picture?

Solves her best friend’s murder? So, the first (and best) season of Veronica Mars had a bunch of little mysteries for our titular (hee!) detective to solve, and one mystery that lasted the whole season. (Is an over-arcing mystery the correct phrase for that? It seems wrong.) That mystery was: Who killed Lilly Kane? Lilly Kane was, in addition to being Amanda Seyfried, Veronica Mars’ best friend.

Like she needs the bonus of being buds with Veronica Mars. She’s already Amanda Seyfried!

And was her murder solved? Yes! And by Veronica Mars? Yes again! On the other hand, Nancy Drew’s friends never got murdered, even though I’m sure they got kidnapped with some frequency, because you have to have peril in these sorts of books or the kids are going to tune out. Winner? Veronica Mars.

Has a hot boyfriend? Nancy Drew has longtime boyfriend Ned Nickerson at her side and helping solve mysteries or grunting and saying “Me protect you” a lot. I don’t know. What did he contribute to the story? Anyone? Veronica Mars, on the other hand, hooked up with Logan Echolls, who is tall, thin and has a Roman nose, which makes him exactly my type. Winner? Veronica Mars.

Plus, he was a bad boy, and who doesn’t love a bad boy?

Traveled to all sorts of exotic locales to solve mysteries? Veronica Mars was so poor, a plot point in one episode was how she and her father couldn’t afford to fix the water heater, so she kept having to take cold showers. She probably would have showered at school instead, but since a lot of people hated her, that probably would have been unwise. Unless the creators wanted an episode where Kristen Bell has to solve the mystery of the missing clothes while wrapped in a scant towel (I am copywriting this idea even as you read this so don’t even think of stealing it), that is. So she couldn’t really afford to travel to exotic locales, is what I’m saying, but I think she went to Mexico once. Nancy Drew had money coming out her ears or some other orifice. She went to Japan for a mystery, and also Austria and Costa Rica. Winner? Nancy Drew.

Sweeter ride? In most books, Nancy Drew drives a blue convertible. Since these are books for girls, who don’t care about cars or whatever, it’s not really indentified any further than that, which kind of pisses me off. Veronica drove a Chrysler LeBaron and, in that season I stopped watching the show, a Saturn of some sort. That’s pretty specific, but unfortunately, not particularly convertible. Winner? Nancy Drew and her mysterious blue convertible.

This one’s a BMW.

Better living best friend? Nancy’s best friends are Bess Marvin and Georgia “George” Fayne, whom I can’t remember anything about except that they thought Nancy was great and sometimes gave her boy advice. Veronica’s best friend is the very excellent Wallace Fennel, who befriends her despite her marked lack of popularity. I hope, in the future, they end up together, because, no matter how hot Logan Echolls is, Wallace was the perfect boy. Winner? Veronica Mars.

And remember the time Veronica baked cupcakes for him? *Sniff* Such good friends!

Was actually in serious peril at some point in her mystery-solving career? Being that the ladies are stars of their own series that feature their names in the titles, you don’t ever totally fear for their safety. But you feared even less for Nancy Drew, who was never locked in a refrigerator that was set on fire, nor made enemies of drug dealers and hired goons. Winner? Veronica “Danger is my middle name” Mars.

Overall winner? It didn’t even go to a tie this time! I guess that’s just because Veronica Mars is so awesome. I wish I had been Veronica Mars when I was in high school, what with the crime-solving and the snarkiness and the really cute haircut. Veronica Mars for the win.

Especially for that one episode where she karaoked Blondie’s “One Way or Another.” That was awesome.

I know your real name is Kristen Bell. I know that. But I can’t help but always think of you as Veronica Mars, because that was the last good role you ever had.

I mean, you were kicking ass and taking names, and inspiring high school girls whose best friends had been murdered to become female detectives! So awesome!

So anyway, you’re currently starring in When in Rome, a rom-com about a magical fountain! And love! And being a successful New Yorker!

This is the wrong When in Rome, but what the hell was that popular song they had?

(Because God knows we won’t watch a movie unless it’s about New Yorkers.)

So, from what I grasp of the trailer, the storyline is this: You, Veronica Mars, are a happy young professional. A happy young single professional. Until! You run into your ex, who’s all like “I’m engaged,” and you’re all like “Son of a –” Clever editing, that. Or not, whichever. So anyway, ex is happily engaged and all of a sudden you’re like, “Must Find Love!” and so you steal coins from a fountain in Rome after a godawful amount of footage of you being clumsy at your sister’s wedding and finding the guy of your dreams. Wait…. You steal coins from a fountain in Rome after meeting the guy of your dreams. I don’t follow. I mean, I’ve never been that drunk, and I’ve been pretty godsdamned drunk. But even then, my thought processes go thusly: Oooh, it’s the guy of my dreams! I should try to talk to him! And then sleep with him! You know what I won’t do, though? Especially in my inebriated state? Climb into a godsdamned fountain and steal coins out of it.

I mean, who does that? Are we even supposed to be rooting for you, Veronica Mars?

And then the guys who threw coins into the fountain all fall in love with you, like, really? That’s the magical power of the fountain? How drunk was the screenwriter when they wrote this, because I’ve been really drunk and this is a frakking stupid script.

Anyway, I can’t help but notice that Danny Devito is also slumming in this movie, but you know what? At his age, he deserves an easy paycheck.

Yup, you just take it nice and easy, Mr. Devito. You've earned it.

But you, Veronica Mars? You need to get a new agent. An agent who will step up and say “No more godawful romantic comedies! Veronica Mars can do better than that!” But your agent will probably call you Kristen Bell, because, after all, that is your name.