The contract stated that I had to make eye contact with people, I had to actually talk to people instead of incessantly listening to Thom Yorke’s paranoid wails, and I had to stop wearing my black hoodie every day, as it was essentially a way of shutting out the world, which is not a great way to prepare to re-enter it. If I didn’t comply, I had to go home, which I knew would be a terrible thing, because I wasn’t ready yet, and all of the progress I had made would be quickly washed away. “I don’t think it’s going to work,” I said, scowling as usual. “But I’ll do it anyway.” It wasn’t until I got back to my room that I realized what I’d done: I’d said yes, because I didn’t want to leave the psychiatric hospital. I wanted to stay. Most important, despite what my eating disorder was constantly whispering to me, I wanted to get better. And a tiny part of me believed that if I did the work—as small and silly as it sounded—I would get better. That was the day I started believing.

***

“My dad was just a big Joseph Campbell nut. I was young enough when that Power of Myth series came out that I really didn’t believe I was making the big connection. But I was like, ‘Oh, Star Wars is a religion; that counts.’ Now I have actually come around to believe that.” —Trey Parker, New York magazine

Being on a pass from the hospital is like being on a secret mission. You’re undercover, in a way; you’re still a patient, but you’re transitioning, little by little, into being a citizen of the world again. You have to act “normal,” I guess, and you realize how dumb a concept “normal” really is. You also start to realize how much you’ve missed your life after an eating disorder has taken it over: you don’t linger on numbers or “plans” as much as freak out over ordinary, boring things you’ve taken for granted. A couple of months earlier, going to the movies and eating a snack would have sounded as impossible to me as befriending a chupacabra. But I began to recognize such moments as gifts. When you’re dealing with mental illness of any kind, the tiny choices you make—to look someone in the eye, to let your guard down, to have a little faith in something, anything—are the steps that bring you a little closer to feeling better.

When I got mine, as luck would have it, The Return of the King had just come out. A friend who also had a night pass drove us to the theater, and we ran inside to get decent seats. As the lights went down, we giggled at each other, clutching our hospital-approved snacks and turning our gazes to the screen, which soon filled with images of peril, doubt, faith, hope, and success. Suddenly, I wasn’t a patient anymore, nor was I just another moviegoer; I was part of an adventure, lost in a beautiful place, watching my friends claim victory over evil, and over the darkest parts of themselves.

Watching the movie in the theater was a validation of all that I had accomplished: I’d worked hard enough to reach my goals, mentally and physically, and the reward was an escape into my favorite story of all time. It was especially important because it was the last film—the complicated but happy ending. When I returned to the facility, everyone asked how the movie was, and I went on and on about it. Everything seemed perfect: the story had ended beautifully, and now I was going home. A few days later, I was back in my parents’ house, without a 24-hour medical staff, without pre-made meals, without 20 other women going through a similar situation. I was responsible for my own recovery. I was scared out of my mind. More than once, I sat down to eat my breakfast and thought of the last lines of The Lord of the Rings: “He drew a deep breath. ‘Well, I’m back,’ he said.” Of course my next thought was always Ah, crap. Now what? which, as far as I know, is not a direct quote from Tolkien.

And in those tenuous early days of freedom, every time I needed a reminder that dark journeys can end in light, I went back to the theater for another viewing of Return of the King. I pulled out my SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE paperback and read it over and over, underlining important passages, scribbling notes, and staining pages with frustrated and hopeful tears. Every time I thought about flaking on my meal plan or felt angry that things like eating, leaving the house, and existing seemed so easy to other people, I’d go back to the book. I needed to follow unlikely heroes, and I needed them to step up and win. (This was also, I should add, the same reason I went through a very intense Harry Potter period.) I needed to wrap my own journey in the cloak of fantasy to get a little perspective on how much work, faith, and hope it takes to defeat a merciless and powerful enemy. Magic is a very soothing medication.

***

There are a million books about what it’s like to be inside a hospital, but there aren’t many that deal with the weirdness that is leaving. Whenever I felt the pull of my eating disorder, I thought of all the LOTR characters, particularly Gollum, whose desperation for the ring may be the best onscreen depiction ever of what it’s like to deal with an ED voice, though I’m sure that wasn’t the intention. For the uninitiated, Gollum was once a hobbit who murdered his friend when the two came across the Ring of Power. He was shunned by his community, and the ring slowly drove him to madness and obsession, changing him into a pitiful monster corrupted by evil power and his desire to hold on to it. Like the ring, an ED voice takes over your mind and fights as hard as it can to keep you in the dark, obsessed and alone, closed off to the outside world, willing to lose your entire identity to something that is slowly killing you. Choose to follow the bully in your head who only wants “the precious,” and you fall deeper into illness, until it eventually consumes and destroys you.

Frodo Baggins, on the other hand, reminds me of anyone going through recovery and making hard decisions. He chooses to make a difficult journey all the way to Mordor, a truly dark and frightening place, in order to destroy the ring. He takes small steps, being tempted the whole time by the ring he carries with him. Even after he gets of the ring, he continues to bear its weight, and he needs to leave his familiar world in order to heal. I carry Frodo with me, as there are days when moving forward is the only way to avoid falling back—or worse, staying still.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who happen to live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”

There are many paths that people take post-hospitalization in order to help them re-acclimate to the world. I decided to live in a fictional one for a while. As a bit of a sweet joke, my then-boyfriend even bought me an Evenstar necklace, which I started carrying around as a panic charm—something I could rub between my fingers whenever the world overwhelmed me. I still have it. I still need it, once in a while.

When people make fun of The Lord of the Rings, I imagine the story just hit them at the wrong time, or maybe it’s just a story they don’t need. In the hospital, we were never forced to cling to any religion, but we were asked to consider having a little faith—if not in a “higher power,” then in the idea that recovery was possible, and that we were stronger than the illness that was trying to kill us. Some people went to church, some people read self-help manuals, some of us escaped into alternate worlds, and many of us did a combination of all three. All we wanted was a spark to guide us through the darkness, to help us move forward until we were no longer lost, until the path before us was winding with possibility and light. ♦

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62 Comments

MarissaWindfeeDecember 4th, 20123:18 PM

Wow, I didn’t even realize before reading this that actually other people could also be obsessed with The Lord Of The Rings in this fate-and-so-on way, although for me it always was about Eowyn. Does anybody get what I want to say but don’t have the words for?

I think I understand what you mean… ever since I first started reading the books several years ago, I’ve sort of seen myself as her, trapped in my life and such… I guess the story, and that part especially, gives me hope that I’ll get out one day and be able to do great things.

(an oh hey look at my username… I forgot that I used that username for this site… ahahah what a coincidence)

Yeah funniest of all coincidences and guess what I didn’t even realize till you said it XD
I’ve read the books a few days before my eleventh bithday, and I’ve been addicted ever since. And when I watched the movie I was all like “woooah I want to steal all of Eowyns (and Arwens?) wardrobe”.
I guess I’m just a little bit in love with Faramir, but that’s not what makes Eowyn so important to me. The “trapped in life”-thing, as you said.
You use different usernames? Funny. I always use the same. It just sort of became what iI saw as “real me” opposed to “me like I pretend to be whenever in public”.
=)

I agree with everything you said. oh and I’m in love with Faramir too… ever since I was a little kid even when reading the books, before the movies came out. And yeah I use different usernames based on what I was obsessing over at the time I made the account. But this is the main one that I use because it’s my tumblr url without the dashes ahahah.

I…I am literally freaking out because everything you felt/thought about the LoTR series is exactly what I think! The unlikely heroes, the fantasy the right book at the right time! It’s great! Thank you so much for this wonderful article :)

“There are a million books on what it’s like to be inside of a hospital, but there aren’t many that deal with the weirdness that is leaving.” A lot of people have marveled about the eerie timeliness of Rookie pieces, but this is the first time I’ve experienced this phenomenon. I began recovering from an eating disorder in 7th grade, and I am now a senior in high school. Even though I’ve long since stopped going to therapy, I still see my doctor (and drink a lot of Boost) on the regular, and lately I’ve been feeling scared shitless because this is the life I’ve come to know. After almost 6 years of going in and out of this system, what are you supposed to do? Just dive headlong into the rest of your life and try to forget it ever happened? I wish I could stop waxing nostalgic about it and feeling so attached, because, in all reality, it was a really bleak period. But I don’t know…it’s hard. Thanks for writing the best thing I’ve ever seen on this site (-:

I tried to read The lord of the rings about two years ago and it was just so boring… Maybe you’re right and it hit me at the wrong time, and after reading this i will definitely give it another chance.

I LOVE THE LORD OF THE RINGS, although I never did get past the first half of the first book. I tried reading it again before The Hobbit, but then realized it might make more sense to read The Hobbit before watching The Hobbit.

I totally agree with what you said about sometimes needing to immerse yourself in a fantasy world to get perspective on your own life/existence/world… pretty much the reason Harry Potter was my life during middle school.

“I will not say ‘Do not Weep’, for not all tears are evil”
-Gandalf the Grey

Really beautifully written and really touching. I love when rookie writers mix culture and personal experiences, because it always results in some of my favorite articles and usually touches so many people.

I think this is a really great and inspirational story.
I would like to add that Tolkein actually wrote The Lord of the Rings to parallel the Bible.

J.R.R. Tolkien wrote, “The Lord of the Rings is of course a fundamentally religious and Catholic work; unconsciously so at first, but consciously in the revision.”
The Lord of the Rings is a Christian myth representing Christian truths.

Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Doesn’t that remind you guys of The Lord of the Rings?

I haven’t read The Lord of the Rings books, although I would like to and I have seen the movies. I think they’re great. But I’ll tell you something else really has changed my life because it transformed my heart and that’s my faith in Christ.

I really hope that any of you struggling and who have been touched by Tolkein’s book can take a deeper look to where it has been inspired from and share this hope, love, faith and salvation that I have.

I’m not Christian, I don’t even believe in god, but that’s a lovely message. :) I think we all can find inspiration and faith in different ways. What really matters is if we’re able to love, respect, help and forgive others and ourselves.

“‘I am not made for perilous quests. I wish I had never seen the Ring! Why did it come to me? Why was I chosen?’

‘Such questions cannot be answered,’ said Gandalf. ‘You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.’”

I read the entire LOTR series when my mind was deteriorating because of my eating disorder. I don’t remember much, especially
of the Return of the King, but I got weirdly obsessed over the hobbit’s second breakfasts. I hung onto Gollum though, a character so corrupted by desire, and I think your opinion on it is very accurate. I really should read them again….

“In order to deal with mental illness of any kind, the tiny choices you make—to look someone in the eye, to let your guard down, to have a little faith in something, anything—are the steps that bring you a little closer to feeling better.”

Oh beautiful. This this this this is why I love literature, why I believe it’s so important and so powerful in the face of all those who tell me that it’s ‘frivolous’ or ‘bs’ in comparison to sciences or something like that (thoughts: http://modalityblog.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/human/).

Your story is inspiring. I think that’s the reason a lot of us kind of nerdy girls loved Harry Potter and LotR, isn’t it? We cling to these heroes who are so normal and are faced with these circumstances, and yet have the immense courage to continue on even though ‘it’s not fair’. Ah. You are reminding me of all my love for Harry Potter in middle school.

EXACTLY. This made me cry lots, because – although I’ve never been diagnosed with a mental illness and never even finished LOTR – it reminds me of how much Harry Potter has meant to me. I still reread the books when I need to remember that the good guys win… and of course to escape for a little while.

I lovelovelove how one book can give so many different things to so many different people.

I loved this. This reminds me of David Foster Wallace’s Kenyon commencement speech. Everyone worships something, we get to choose what we worship. We get to pick our rituals. Books/TV/fandom has been that for me and you articulated why in a beautiful way. This was great!

I find the books kind of slow but I enjoyed the LOTR movies. A few of my friends were hardcore obsessed so I gave it a try but it wasn’t really my thing. I looooove Harry Potter though. I’ve watched the movies and read the books so many times. It got me through some stressful times and I read it whenever I can’t sleep at night.

I would also like to mention that the trailer for The Hobbit movie came on TV while I was reading this. Rookie magic knows no bounds.

Lovely, very very inspiring story!
I was considering reading the LOTR books, and/or seeing the movies, and I think I will now.
I understand about the wrong book in the wrong time, I love a lot of books I used to hate because now I can connect to them more.

Pixie, this is beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear right now. This time last year, I was in residential treatment for my eating disorder, and some days are still a struggle. Thank you for reminding me that recovery is possible and worth it. I have all the Lord of the Rings books, and I have never read them, but I’m going to start! Thank you so much for this wonderful article.

Thank you for sharing this, your story makes my heart sing! I was a sophmore in 2001 (yes, high school) and it was also the first year I read LOTR. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I have re-read the series probably 10 times since then and am always finding new inspirations and new connections with the characters and the story. My grandmother calls it “white lighting” when you pick up a book that seems to be calling you. I’ve done this many times and they always seem to be the books I need to read at that point in my life. I’m so happy that it was LOTR for you, and that they helped in bringing you peace. <3

I cannot tell you how much this article means to me. LOTR, both the books and the movies, has gotten me through some of the less wonderful times in my life. Also, a common love for the series is one reason my best friend and I are like sisters today. There was a time in which I could not watch the scene in which Frodo sends Sam away; it was too painful as we had been on both sides of that situation. However, we worked through this, and we both have faith that nothing will keep us from remaining friends until we die.

Well written stories! The first made me smile pretty hard…
You mentioned Kid A. just earlier today, I realized I have actually never listened to Kid A fully!
(Shameful of me as a fan of “Thom Yorke’s sad, paranoid wails”)
I was like, this is depressingly/upliftingly good!
I admit I was going to go on a Kid A listening spree, but I don’t think it will help with me staying positive.
Your story made my day :)
Fans of his sad, paranoid wails unite!

This is beautiful. This is why I get so sad when people I talk to dismiss fiction as a “waste of time.” Stories can be incredibly powerful things–stories like LOTR and this one, too. Thank you for writing this.

The whole time I was reading this, I had the LOTR soundtrack stuck in my head, because I listen to it while I do my work. The reason I listen to it is because it inspires me to keep going despite all my stress and frustration. As a massive LOTR fan and someone who has struggled with an eating disorder in the past, this may be one of the most amazing articles I have ever read. Thank you!!

Pixie, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. You totally got it right when you said “magic is a very soothing medication.” No matter what form the magic takes, it has the power to save people. Sometimes it seems like out society takes magic and fantasy for granted, as if it is meaningless escapism. But escapism is never meaningless, and magic is a whole lot more important and realistic than it may at first seem. Again, thank you for writing such an amazing article.

I totally know where you’re coming from, about books and this fantasy/fiction saving your life. Except, for me, it was always the Chronicles of Narnia and Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials. They were all about kids facing these crazy odds, and having these expectations they had to fill. The characters just always seemed more real than the people around me, you know? Also the books were just good, and I could read them a hundred times and still find things and references and metaphors that I didn’t catch before.

What an amazing text, Pixie!!! Thank you so much, that was exactly what I needed! I suffer from major depressive disorder, so I think I know what you went through. Many fragments of your text touched me – especially that where you talked about that “kind of light that only comes after staring into, and pulling oneself out of, the deepest pits of darkness.” I know exactly what it is like to have my mind “trapped in doom mode” and how hard it is to believe that we, who suffer from mental illness, can get better. I’m a huge fan of fantasy and science fiction, so I totally understand how “escaping into alternate worlds” helps when we need to believe in something – anything. Finally, I want you to know that that text was really important and made a big difference to me. I felt understood, I felt like I’m not alone. I think I have a little more faith now that I read that. Thank you.
Your writing is great, I hope to read more texts written by you soon. Rookie never disappoints me, it always gets better. It’s the best magazine ever! You guys are incredible, congratulations for your amazing work!!!

thanks for this, for various reasons.
plus, my mother read parts of the first book to me as a child. good memories. maybe part of the reason i never liked the movies.
the only thing i cannot agree on is Kid A; it always felt kinda hymnal to me, even though someone cries in Treefingers.

I can’t decide which I loved more: the article, which made me cry, or the comments. The idea of so many people being so deeply affected, for the good, by a book by an obscure Oxford professor of ancient languages, is so wonderful to me.

I read LotR when I was 11 and spent the next 7 years obstinately living in Middle-Earth. Without the books to read, the radio-play to listen to, the films to look forward to, Elvish to decipher and teach myself, I’m not sure I would have got through school.

At 23 I had a depression that I couldn’t express in words of my own, despite being quite a wordy person. I felt like Denethor – “Against the power that now arises there is no victory” – and Éowyn – “The walls of her bower closing in around her, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in”. And for the first 6 months of my recovery, can you guess what I listened to? LotR on repeat.

There is a power of faith in the indestructible goodness of the world in that book to defeat the darkest monsters. Thank you for writing about it so beautifully.

I cried. Fantasy has saved me from the exact same thing. I have such a strong desire to talk to you because – because someone relates! I have met lots of people with EDs, but nobody who have had fantasy saving them from the delirium that an ED is. It’s so hard for me to make friends and find people that truly, deeply understand what I’m going through, but books have understood. I’m speechless – such a magical feeling, to have someone that doesn’t know you understand and walk your path.

This is absolutely perfect in every single way. For me, my saving book was/is The Hobbit. I’ve read it again and again, every time I read it it seems to get better. Bilbo is my inspiration for everything! He always wishes to be back in his comfy little Hobbit, but he never gives up. We can wish for things to be as they were, but we must always keep moving forward. THANK YOU PIXIE!<3

Wow Pixie. I so appreciate your words, your writing, and you telling you story. I’ve been reading a number of your articles on Rookie over the past few days and I feel nourished and moved and cheered by your work. I’m so glad you are part of Rookie and that I found you here!

I got thru my adolescence reading fantasy novels, mostly ones with female protagonists who had to go on a quest and triumph over significant obstacles to discover who they are and how to own their own power. One of my favorite authors is Patricia McKillip, and I have read and re-read her trilogy that begins with “The Riddle Master of Hed” through many seasons of my life. I have turned to those books sometimes lovingly, sometimes desperately, and every time they are a balm for my spirit.

Thank you Pixie, and those who commented, for celebrating the healing and sustaining power of stories in our own lives!

“I carry him with me, as there are days when moving forward is the only way to avoid falling back, or worse, staying still.”
I haven’t finished this article yet, but I just wanted to say how grateful I am for reading it. Stories are so important because they give you faith. I can’t hold on to religions, for the possibility of a ”higher being” is preposterous to me. However, when you read a book, there are no dogmas to follow – there is no RIGHT WAY how to read fiction, at least in my humble opinion.

Yoo-hoo! August’s theme is GIVE AND TAKE, and we’d like to take into consideration whatever submissions you have to give about that! (Even/especially if they’re as cheesy as we just were.) Send pitches to submission@rookiemag.com. ✴

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