December 19, 2015

CHRISTMAS, TOY SHOPPING & BAR-HOPPING BARBIES

I must confess that I’m in complete awe of
toy stores. I mean, have you been inside of one of those places
recently?

Well, yes, of course you have. T’is the season, after all.

In the
first place, they aren’t just “stores” or “shops” or even “shoppes”
anymore. Gone is dear Giapetto, the maker of toys by hand. Gone is also theappreciationof toys made by hand. What we have now are behemoth toy
warehouses, taking up enough arable land to feed the entire country of
China…twice, and pushing enough plastic to give every female in Los Angeles the
boob size of her choice.

Inside,
you will feel as insignificant as Stuart Little in the Grand Canyon.
There are hundreds of aisles, with shelves running from floor to ceiling…and
the ceilings are 40 feet high.

These
stores have their own weather systems.

I
happened to stop into one of these places a few days ago … EVERY TOY IN THE
KNOWN UNIVERSE, I think it was called. At any rate, I had finished all my
Christmas shopping, with the exception of Amanda, my niece, and she had
mentioned a Barbie doll, so ETITKU seemed like the place to go.

I
stopped the first employee I could find with the fewest body piercings and
nihilist tattoos, and asked to be directed to the Barbie dolls.

“Aisles
three, four, and five,” he muttered disgustedly. Apparently I had roused
him from his coma and he didn’t appreciate it.

“Three
aisles for Barbie dolls?” I mused. I took that to mean that they had
their entire stock on the shelves, so I wasn’t worried about finding exactly
what I wanted. I set out, ebulliently, with a spring in my step, for
aisles three, four, and five.

After
walking for one hour, stopping once to use the restroom (conveniently located
every half-mile), and once to buy water, I arrived at my destination and began
browsing.

I want
to tell you that I had no idea that there were so many different kinds of
Barbie dolls. It was inconceivable to me that there could be thousands of
variations on a single theme (well, no, I take that back—Bach did just fine
with it).

The
first thing I did was to pull out my cell phone and call my husband to tell him
not to expect me for dinner…this week. Then I continued my quest.

Initially,
there were the types of Barbies you’d expect to find: Beach Barbie,
Cheerleader Barbie, Tennis Barbie, Golf Barbie, Rock Concert Barbie…well, you
get the idea.

Then
there were the “Career” Barbies. These included Doctor Barbie, Dentist
Barbie, Psychoanalyst Barbie, Lawyer Barbie (I didn’t like that one at all!),
Detective Barbie, Wall Street Barbie, and Super-Bitch Corporate Executive Vice
President Barbie. That last one came with a “corporate spy” briefcase
(which included a tiny videocam), a cigar that shoots poison-tipped darts, an
empty gin bottle, and a full ashtray.

Next
there were the “Politically Correct” Barbies. There were African-American
Barbies, Asian-American Barbies, Native American Barbies, Semitic-American
Barbies, and an Australian-American Barbie with a dwarf husband called “Shrimp
on the Barbie.”

Head
reeling, I stumbled next upon the “Outmoded Values” Barbies. These were
all covered with the dust of the ages, and a small sign read that if I found
any dinosaur bones while browsing here, I could keep them. Amongst these
Barbies, I found: Homemaker Barbie, PTA Barbie, Stay-at-Home Mother
Barbie, Carpool Barbie, Seamstress Barbie, Dinner Party Barbie, and Reading to
the Kids Barbie. There was only one of each, obviously untouched for many
years.

After
that, it really got strange.

I moved
into aisle five. It was completely stocked with “New Millennium” Barbies,
reflecting the current ideology that young children should be exposed to
absolutely everything. There was Dominatrix Barbie (only one left—more on
the way!), Drunk Biker Chick Barbie (complete with tattoos, a Harley, and a
boyfriend called Slash who was just released from prison), Death During
Childbirth Barbie (I don’t even want tothinkabout what that one comes with),
Arsonist Barbie (with a whole box of lovely matches that really light!
Wow!), Serial Killer Barbie (with knives, rope, and a bottle of real
poison. An accessory, sold separately, is a policeman looking confused),
Vampire Barbie (with a pink Bloodmobile), Bar-Hopping Barbie (with Rohypnol
antidote), Hooker Barbie (with condoms, penicillin, and Pimp Ken), Drug Dealer
Barbie (with marijuana seeds and potting soil), and finally, Transsexual Barbie
(anatomically incorrect, with a copy ofTheRene Richards Story).

There
was even a Klaus Barbie…

That did
it.

I raced
back to aisle four, grabbed the Homemaker Barbie and her complete wardrobe of
Donna Reed originals, pearl necklace, rubber gloves and Easy-Off, and bursting
though the cloud of dust, threw a handful of money at the cashier and ran out
the door!