I was beyond excited for the premiere of Lifetime’s Liz & Dick. I was only expecting to see a campy made-for-television movie that would have all the best (and worst) parts of films like Mommie Dearest and The Room. Lucky for me, I even got to learn something from this hot mess.
1) Cheek fillers are awful.

Yes, we know: plastic surgery is terrible for actors because they can’t emote. But somehow, I’ve grown used to the frozen Botox expressions and face lift aliens that have graced my TV screen. Seeing Lindsay Lohan’s overstuffed cheeks battle with the rest of her face for world domination was a horrifying experience. It was almost as bad as her acting.

Speaking of which…

2) I am bored. I am so bored.

Lindsay–I mean, Elizabeth says this line with 100% commitment and believability while lounging at her estate. I couldn’t help but feel the same way while watching the movie. There are only so many times I could watch Liz and Dick fight, sex, and drink themselves until a poorly timed trailer for Playing for Keeps.

Please go away.

3) Our ADD isn’t that bad.

In a world where cell phones, data plans, and social networking have completely ruined our focus, it’s easy to believe we can’t pay attention to anything longer than a minute. Liz & Dick proved that not to be totally true. Every scene was shorter than two minutes, and I got cinematic whiplash in my attempt to understand it all.

4) Story-telling is important.

All of the above (even the cheesy Lifetime soundtrack!) could have been forgiven if there was some narrative to latch onto. There was a hint of it when Richard Burton announces to Eddie Fisher that he and Elizabeth are having an affair. But that soon dissipates into poor writing, acting, and film editing.

5) The myth of Lindsay Lohan is dead.

Despite the arrests, lawsuits, and fame-hungry parents, the media has continued to latch onto Lohan’s story because there was a feeling that potential was being wasted. That if she got her act together, Lindsay Lohan could be a decent actress again. But Liz & Dick took that notion, ripped it to shreds, and presented it to every American home with a basic cable plan. It’s over–for now.