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Britain to opt out of reality instead of EU

After two years of debate, the government has decided on Realixit as an “easier and smoother” alternative to Brexit. A courier company was seen unloading the biggest consignment of psychedelic drugs ever seen in Westminster today, which a government spokesman says should ensure “a total withdrawal from reality, once the effects start to kick in after two hours”.

A four-hour cabinet meeting ensued, to the sound of the Grateful Dead and the Jimi Hendrix Experience. A “solid consensus” was finally reached, after some initial difficulties when Theresa May had to be calmed down when she saw Boris Johnson turn into a giant talking mushroom. In the end, all agreed that the Remainers wanting to maintain links with the real world were just “total squares, man”.

Although initially sceptical about the plan, the Confederation of British Industry has come round to the idea after being assured that a total withdrawal into a hallucinatory world could save Britain “trillions every week”. A CBI spokesman said: “We are fully committed to the post-reality Britain of tangerine trees and marmalade skies”.