Who Hijacked Our Country

Friday, November 30, 2007

Religious Fanatics Demanding Death and Vengeance

There are just too many whacked-out delusional religious crazies out there. And it seems to be getting worse. Demanding the death penalty just because of a religious disagreement, or a perceived insult?

Take this asshole (please). This douchebag prays for the assassination of a foreign leader. When another foreign leader nearly dies from a stroke, said douchebag starts gloating that the stroke was “God’s punishment.” And whenever a natural disaster strikes ANYWHERE, this same sack of shit just drools with vengeful delight — this hurricane/fire/flood was God’s way of punishing those sinners.

And we all remember when this doctor was executed by a religious zealot. He was murdered because he performed a medical procedure that some Christians believe is wrong. His murder took place after numerous death threats against him and his colleagues.

Lots of Christian families send their children to summer “camps” where they get indoctrinated and programmed to hate anyone and anything that’s different or “un-Christian.”

Oh, and in Sudan, thousands of crazed imbeciles are demanding the death penalty for a British teacher living in Sudan. She had “insulted” Islam by allowing her class (of 7-year-olds) to name a teddy bear Mohammed. WTF???

And don’t think it’s any different here. It’s too easy to think “oh, that’s just a primitive country ten thousand miles away. What's with those wacky Moslems?”

Here is what separates us from Sudan: We’re a prosperous society living under a secular democratic government (for now at least). Let’s keep it that way. There are lots of crazed extreme "Christians" who would just love to turn our government into a theocracy. Don't think "it can't happen here."

Maybe we should have an international gladiator festival. James Dobson, Pat Robertson and Fred Phelps — and their demented followers — could have a bloody fight to the death with their Moslem counterparts. The bloodier the better. The sickfucks could realize their lifelong dream of Killing The Enemy, and the other 99% of us could just get on with our lives.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

One Less Hypocrite in the World

Sorry, but a scumbag doesn’t turn into a saint after he dies; he just becomes a dead scumbag.

Henry Hyde was just another two-faced rightwing shitstain who worshipped fetuses and thought the already-born were just cannon fodder. He was one of the ringleaders of Clinton’s impeachment, and then we found out — thank you Larry Flynt — that Hyde himself had once had a long-running affair with a married woman. And when this fact got revealed, he shrugged it off as a “youthful indiscretion.” This “youthful indiscretion” took place when Hyde was in his forties! “Youthful indiscretion”???? Dickhead.

His name has been synonymous since 1976 with the Hyde Amendment, which banned any federal funding for abortions. Heaven Forbid some cheap slut might get pregnant and then beg for money from taxpayers? Blasphemy!!

The Godfearing self-righteous Hyde was also deeply involved in a Savings and Loan scandal that cost taxpayers $68 million. Yup, that’s what Jesus would do.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Pharmacists Refusing to Sell Emergency Contraceptives

In Washington State, this is an issue that just won't fuckin’ DIE! Since Washington is one of the most liberal states in the country, this situation is probably worse in most other states.

Plan B is the name of the emergency birth control pill. It’s basically just a much much stronger version of the regular birth control pill. If taken within 72 hours after having sex, this pill prevents pregnancy. For rape and incest victims, this is a Godsend.

There have been quite a few cases where a devout Godfearing pharmacist (who obviously chose the wrong profession) expresses his devotion to Jesus by refusing to sell Plan B. This refusal is often accompanied by a sermon.

In Washington, the State Board of Pharmacy was about to pass a statewide regulation that would allow pharmacists to listen to their “moral” values by refusing to sell Plan B. Governor Christine Gregoire stepped in. She threatened to replace every member of the Board of Pharmacy if they didn’t require pharmacists to do their jobs (i.e. honor all valid prescriptions and leave their bigotry at home). The Board of Pharmacy complied. Case closed, right?

But then, U.S. District Judge Ronald Leighton ruled that pharmacists’ religious freedoms were being violated. Pharmacists are once again free to turn away those wayward sluts who come in whining about birth control pills. And for some odd reason, conservatives didn’t go into their usual spewage about “activist judges” “legislating from the bench.”

Jim Ramseth is a local Biblehumping snakehandler pharmacist who just about drooled with glee at the court ruling. “BWAAHAAHAAHAA!! Those icky sluts will have to pay for their sins. Praise Jesus! Those wretched whores need to get burned at the stake Wow. This is big for our profession. We are professionals that use our whole ethical being to make our decisions. They could force you to dispense Plan B. If our freedom of religion or conscience is prohibited, that's against what our country was built on.”

How's this for irony: the Far Right has suddenly discovered workers’ rights. LOL. Hell has frozen over and pigs are flying.

Child laborers who work in sweatshops 18 hours a day — tough shit. People who work in dangerous conditions, are grossly underpaid, or get unjustly fired — pull yourself up by your bootstraps! But a pharmacist who has to put aside his “moral” “Christian” values and sell birth control pills to every trollop who darkens his doorway — NOOOO!!!!! This oppressed worker needs our help!

In other words, here is somebody who's led a gritty hardscrabble life and would have a deep empathy with the hardships suffered by our soldiers and veterans. And you can tell he's very sensitive to the grief and despair suffered by the Iranian victims of our bombing. Asshole.

He says “I’m just a pathetic sissy but I love to watch men fight. Oooooh, it’s such a turn-on Our choice is stark. Accept Iran with an atom bomb or cripple its nuclear program by force.”

He also boasts that airstrikes against Iran “would not require a ‘declaration of war,’ an antiquated concept that has not been employed since World War II.” Ah yes, another one of those antiquated concepts, along with the Constitution and the Geneva Convention.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Karl Rove Tells How to Beat Hillary

This just in — Hillary Clinton is “hard and brittle” (as Sleazebag puts it). She's also "a bitch," of course; and she "calculates almost everything, including her accent and laugh."

Here's where Rover turns into a comedian: his advice to the ultimate Republican nominee is to “Tackle issues families care about.” Of course. You mean abortion and gay marriage, right? I know those are the first things on my mind when I’m struggling with the bills.

Oh my God, Hell has frozen over and pigs are flying. The issues he's referring to are “jobs, the economy, taxes and spending.” OK, I get it. When the wingnuts get through spinning this one, “taxes and spending” will mean anything having to do with health care, job training, the environment or the infrastructure. “Jobs and the economy” will mean “what's good for Halliburton/Exxon is good for America.” Will American voters be as stupid and gullible next year as they were in 2004?

Goebbels Rove also says “but some issues that used to be ‘go to’ ones for Republicans, like crime and welfare, don't have as much salience.” Then again, words like crime and welfare mean different things to different people.

Here is where the term “Orwellian” really gets stretched into bizarre shapes and sizes that poor old George never would’ve dreamed of: “Concerns like health care, the cost of college and social mobility will be more important.” Yes, this is exactly what CEOs and Republican VIPs have been agonizing over for the past seven years. Let’s see how they spin this one. If only Marie Antoinette could’ve translated “Let them eat cake” into “I’m sooo concerned about the plight of the poor and downtrodden.”

And now the pusbag starts spinning even faster and more furiously: “Aggressively campaign for the votes of America's minorities. Go to their communities, listen and learn, demonstrate your engagement and emphasize how your message can provide hope and access to the American Dream for all.” Yeah, you do that. Record profits for the largest corporations, higher taxes for working people and a bloated multi-trillion-dollar Pentagon — this is exactly what minorities and working families are clamoring for.

Uh oh, now the mask is getting peeled off and we see The Blob for what it really is: “Be strong on Iraq. Democrats have bet on failure. That's looking to be an increasingly bad wager, given the remarkable progress seen recently in Iraq.” Yes indeed, “remarkable progress in Iraq.” Easy to say for a pasty-faced triple-chinned shitwipe who wouldn’t know a military uniform if it bit him on the ass. Contact your recruiter, Asshole.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Cal Thomas’ Amazing TV Set

Rightwing columnist Cal Thomas apparently has a TV set with a mind of its own. He alludes to it in this column.

I’m not up on all the latest electronic gizmos, but it seems Thomas’ television turns itself on and off at will, selects the channel and controls the volume. With every TV I’ve ever seen, you have to manually push a button to turn the TV on, and then push other buttons to select the channel. Where have I been?

Having this kind of TV set might be sort of fun for awhile, but it would get old really fast. With my luck, it would probably turn itself on at 3 a.m., tune in to some crazed televangelist and crank the volume up to 200 decibels.

In Thomas’ column he's talking about the lame quality of most TV programming and says the writers’ strike is a chance for people to turn off the TV and get a life. No argument there. The only must-see program for me is The Shield during its annual 3-month season. This coming season is supposed to be its last, and then I’ll be free.

Other than that I sometimes watch Law & Order SVU, the Daily Show, Seinfeld or Frasier reruns or a movie. But none of them are musts. And most of the time, to paraphrase Springsteen — 600 channels and there's nothing on.

Like most ultraconservatives, Cal Thomas is appalled at the “bad language” and “F-bombs” on most TV shows, and the fact that most news anchors look like porn stars. (Yup, he really said that.)

Here's where he talks about his magic TV set:

“Television was once viewed as a welcome guest in the home. Programmers were to behave as any guest, not soiling the carpet or breaking furniture, controlling their children and demonstrating sensibilities that would not offend their hosts. No more. Today’s television programs behave like uninvited guests who stay too long, eat all the food, drink too much and throw up on the new rug.”

I’m sure glad I have one of those old-fashioned TV sets. I get to select the channel myself, and if I can't find anything I like I can just turn it off. That pooor Cal Thomas. I wouldn’t want one of those infernal devices in my house.

Friday, November 16, 2007

America: Lookout World, We’re Number Fifteen!

Go USA!! There's just no way to describe that feeling of pride swelling in your chest; that overpowering urge to strut around and shout from the rooftops “We’re Number Fifteen! Yeahhh!!!”

Take it easy now, we’re still Number One when it comes to manufacturing weapons, occupying other countries and guzzling the world’s resources. But for wimpy things like the average working wage, fourteen countries rank higher than us.

This statistic comes from the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development. It’s a group of thirty of the world’s richest countries. Their data is based on the after-tax income of the “average worker.” This includes everything from manufacturing, mining and construction to the service industry to financial services and real estate.

Britain has the world’s wealthiest middle class. Only one country in this group — Hungary — has a wider gap than the U.S. between the richest and poorest.

Before this group started using the after-tax income of the average worker, they were calculating this statistic by including everybody — billionaires, the homeless, you name it. And this is how the Bush Administration tries to show how well everyone is doing. When billionaires get richer, the overall statistics look better.

The stupidity of this “logic” was pointed out by Molly Ivins a few years ago: If Bill Gates walks into a soup kitchen where forty homeless people are waiting in line, the “average” person in that soup kitchen is worth one billion dollars.

But hey, number fifteen isn't so bad. Let’s look at our infant mortality rate: We’re number Thirty-Seven. Thirty-six countries — including Cuba, Macau and the Isle of Man — have a higher infant survival rate than we do.

How about literacy? Twenty countries — including Uzbekistan, Ukraine, Georgia and Cuba (again??? Damn You Fidel Castro!) — have a higher literacy rate than the United States.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

No More Socialized Medicine for Congress

John Edwards probably doesn't stand a chance of getting elected. The rightwing smear machine will have a field day with his “pretty boy” image, and millions of gullible voters will fall for it.

But Edwards has made a campaign pledge: If Congress doesn’t pass his plan for universal health care, he’ll take away Congress’ health coverage. Ah heck, they won't mind. After all, it’s Socialized Medicine. You don’t even get to choose your own doctor. And why should taxpayers keep giving away their hard-earned money to these leeches anyway? Members of Congress will finally have a chance to get out there and hustle just like the rest of us.

Members of Congress have made periodic soundbites about receiving the same “socialized medicine” that nobody else should have. But as far as I know, this is the first time a presidential candidate has turned this issue into a campaign pledge.

Edwards said: “There's no excuse for politicians in Washington to have heathcare, but America doesn't have healthcare, and I think we have to shake this place up a little bit. What we would do is we would submit legislation saying if universal healthcare is not passed by this summer, that the Congress and members of the administration would lose their healthcare coverage.”

This same article has a video of Edwards’ speech and a PDF file that gives the details of his healthcare plan. Check it out.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The New Improved War on Drugs

As we all know, the Drug Problem is the gravest problem facing America today. People getting high and having a good time, cancer patients smoking marijuana to relieve the nausea from chemotherapy — this is unthinkable in a Christian Nation!

So far, the War on Drugs hasn’t been very successful in spite of the trillions of taxpayer dollars we've spent and the Constitutional rights that we've trampled. But we will not be deterred. This just means we have to spend more trillions and stamp out even more of that pantywaist “Constitution.” We’ll apply everything we learned from Humpty Dumpty: More Horses! More Men!

Our knight in shining armor has finally arrived. Those crybabies in Iraq don’t want Blackwater in their own country?? That’s fine. Their loss is our gain. We can use those dedicated warriors right here in the USA.

We’ll soon be turning a corner in the War on Drugs. Treehugging potheads, you’ve met your match. Blackwater — along with four other private contractors — will be joining the War on American Citizens Drugs.