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I don't think everyone believes, as you do, that sexual compatibility is the most important thing, nor that it is the determining factor for a successful marriage.

I'm with you on the "It might not be the MOST important thing," but the danger in de-emphasizing sex (or anything) is that you have absolutely no control over your partner. You both may got into a marriage promising each other that sex isn't that important, but in five, ten, thirty years, she might change her mind and decide you aren't fulfilling her needs any more and needs to look elsewhere. Maybe her chemistry changed, maybe she saw a movie on Lifetime, maybe she read a book, maybe she was talking to her friends about all the sex they were having. I guess it's about trusting your partner in the end, but I would agree with harniq that it's an important part of a healthy relationship.

On the other hand, if you look at a woman and say "I want that woman so bad and I will do anything to keep her," then I don't think that's really such a bad thing. Sure, maybe sexual attraction or desire is what initially led you to be interested in her, but that doesn't mean it always stops there. I mean... if you aren't interested in a sexual relationship with your partner, that's a relationship that can't really last.

if a relation is only holding on because of the sex appeal then it's not really a relation, even without integration (to keep it tidy) the relation should still be there.

in fact, i have heard of a man and a woman who actually never heard of this, they had an extremely religion and they never learned how the flowers and the bee's do it.
the doctor even had to explain to them how to do it, it's that bad.
it also proves RDarken's theory false, even without it a relation can last regardless.

in fact, i have heard of a man and a woman who actually never heard of this, they had an extremely religion and they never learned how the flowers and the bee's do it.
the doctor even had to explain to them how to do it, it's that bad.
it also proves RDarken's theory false, even without it a relation can last regardless.

No it doesn't. If they haven't heard of sex, then how can the lust for sex break their relationship? RD's theory still stands.

Yeah, I also didn't say sex was the only thing in the relationship... I said it started the attraction. And just because the two people didn't know how to have sex, doesn't mean they didn't want to have sex with each other. There are people in the world who don't understand what sexual desire feels like, even if they are feeling it.

I do believe that a healthy, lasting relationship requires sexual attraction, though (unless both people are asexual).

There are plenty of relationships that are sexless for various reasons, medical or otherwise, and manage to last just fine. Physical attraction is helpful, and certainly the beginning factor of many--if not most--relationships, but a relationship grows on much more than sex and can last quite beyond it.

Also, though sexual partners may be quite different in their desires, if there is enough personal interest in--or love for, if you like--another partner they will find a way to make themselves sexually compatible. I have trouble buying the idea that sexual incompatibility can break up an otherwise successful relationship, unless the differences are extreme and the partners unwilling to compromise.

Edit: Ninja'd by RD; basically I will repeat him, that sexual, or at least physical, attraction is usually (usually!) what starts the whole thing. People do want to like what they see.

We've both seen the hypocrisy there, and it sounds like her family was pretty "holier than thou" legalistic, so I can't blame you for mistrusting. It's like I said to RD, though -- just because you think it's impossible not to watch, doesn't mean the same applies for everyone else.

I'm not saying it is impossible to not watch porn, or to not have sex before marriage. But 100% of the people I know who either claimed they didn't watch porn, or claimed that they were waiting until marriage, were lying. Overall, I think the rule applies. When people have to stress that they would never watch porn, they are probably hiding a dirty secret. Same with abstinence.

Frankly, it always seemed to me that abstinence was just a lie that you tell your family. The vast mayority of the Christians I've met seem to see it that way. And I've never understood it. Why people see the need to lie to their parents about having sex is beyond me. And why wait till you are older, and still inexperienced, when you can get sexual experience now while you are young? (and so are your sexual partners, giggidy) Sounds to me that it is absolute rubbish to wait with having sex. Do it as soon as it is legal, and as often as you want, but do it safe!

But hey, don't let me stop you from denying yourself hot sex.

I consider myself blessed to have been raised in a family where sex was never a taboo. My mother would casually ask me if I had enough condoms, yet was never bothered by the idea that I had girls in my bedroom. As long as it was safe, it was fine. She even gave one of my girlfriends a set of sexy lingerie one time. Best mother in the world!

My father openly admits finding some sweet porn, and offering to copy it for me. Awesome dad! I think he only once checked with me if he needed to have the sex talk with me, and tell me about the birds and the bees. I had to tell him that I learned about all that eons ago. Hehehehe. But neither one of my parents ever was ashamed to talk about sex.

I call bull on the "sex is the most important" idea, too. (MV has points) It's important, but some guys can be so selfish about it. They act like they're the greatest lover in the world, and only women with certain bedroom aptitudes are capable of fully pleasing them. Let's get real -- at least some of those expectations were set by porn. If you're fully attracted and in love with a person, you can work the bedroom stuff out. No, it might not work all at once, but there's time to figure each other out.

Now, if all one's after is a quickie or one night stand, then we're obviously shooting for different targets here, and will be bound to talk circles around each other's points.

Originally Posted by Rob Van Der Sloot

~nobody waits for marriage, because I don't know anybody who waited for marriage

What can I say... you need to diversify your test samples? It's true that lots of people lie about it to look proper, but I can assure you that I'm not. People think it's impossible because they do dumb things like make out in isolated places, or otherwise put themselves in similar situations, and then wonder how the sex caught them by surprise.

I probably can't convince you, but I'll even go so far as to tell you that my fiancée & I set our boundary at first base. (yeah, we've gotten really good at kissing) We love each other fully & truly, and are both intellectually and physically attracted to each other. As a result, we set a nice, short six month engagement period for a reason. We're both ready for the full commitment and don't want to unnecessarily prolong the wait, sex included.

We have an incredibly strong relationship now, and will get to enjoy the rest of the cake in a few days. So, uh... bonus.

~get all the sex you can, or you're wasting your life

I generalized your quote, but that's what it sounds like to me. Are we looking for a real mate, and all that it entails as a full person, or a great sexual performer who I can manage get along with? It's all about relationship priorities.

I consider myself blessed to have been raised in a family where sex was never a taboo.

There's a difference between making it taboo and encouraging it as an activity to be pursued at all times. The difference is that, while I see it as a great thing to be enjoyed, both my fiancée & I are waiting to enjoy it in the time we see as appropriate. After that point, it's not some prudish or vulcan thing either. It'll be a thing to be enjoyed, cultivated, and celebrated... within our marriage.

I generalized your quote, but that's what it sounds like to me. Are we looking for a real mate, and all that it entails as a full person, or a great sexual performer who I can manage get along with? It's all about relationship priorities.

Why not both? Sex doesn't have to be about finding the one you'll spend the rest of your life with. And by the time that you do find that special person, it won't be your first time, and she'll enjoy it more. Sounds pretty good to me. Have fun while you're young, enjoy your sexual experience later when you want it to be serious.

Originally Posted by Zalis

There's a difference between making it taboo and encouraging it as an activity to be pursued at all times. The difference is that, while I see it as a great thing to be enjoyed, both my fiancée & I are waiting to enjoy it in the time we see as appropriate. After that point, it's not some prudish or vulcan thing either. It'll be a thing to be enjoyed, cultivated, and celebrated... within our marriage.

To me it is an activity that should be enjoyed when ever you can, when ever you and her feel like it. Its fun, so why not? If what you have with her is really special, then the sex will remain special no matter if it is the first time or not. Then again, I'm not sure if that is realistic in the first place within a marriage. But again, thats my view on it. Feel free to save yourself for marriage is that what you and her both want.

To me it kind of feels like "not going to the movies together until marriage". You could watch countless cool movies before marriage, and it is not going to be all that more special when you wait with your first movie until after marriage. Why waste the time to see countless awesome flicks?

In my experience, during your life you cross paths with countless beautiful women. Most if not all of whom, are not the one. I'm not even sure if there is such a thing as "the one true love". So I would rather not wait for an unrealistic romantic idea, when I have the opportunity to have sex with beautiful women now, and not the certainty that I will ever meet the woman I want to marry.

Granted, I may have finally found one girl who I would consider marrying. But even then there are no guarantees either way if it will last.