The Black Sheep

UMD Majors Renamed to Fit What They Actually Are

Some days you love your major. Other days, you hate it and dream of switching to something that sounds way cooler. Still, just because a major sounds cool, doesn’t mean it is. In order to help you avoid getting suckered, we’ve provided a few majors with more honest names. They may not appear on your diploma, but deep down you know that they’re the truth.

8.) Film Studies- Too Snobby for Netflix:You watch a lot of old, pretentious movies. Then you write a few pretentious essays and call it a day. You shit on everyone else’s favorites because they’re too mainstream and you long for the good ol’ days of black and white films. Your friends sometimes wish you would sit out every conversation about a movie.

7.) Journalism- Diamondback Drudge:You’re probably involved with the Diamondback, which overworks and underpays you. You’re getting bored with all the outraged anti-Trump Facebook statuses because you cared about current events before it was cool. Your starry-eyed dreams are slowly dying because you realize you could make more money (and get more prestige) working for BuzzFeed.

6.) Individual Studies Program- Special Snowflake:UMD has over 90 majors, but none of them were good enough. So you decided to create your own. The paperwork is worth it because nothing stops you from achieving your weirdly specific dreams. When people ask you what your major is, you enjoy their confusion. You realize that there’s a good chance they’ll make this major official and available to everyone a few years after you graduate, giving you ultimate hipster points.

5.) Biology- Probably Premed:Mom and dad said you had to become either a doctor or a lawyer. Wearing a white coat sounded cool, so you decided to sacrifice most of your social life, sanity, and ability to watch sci-fi movies without criticizing the inaccuracies. You cringe a little at seniors who declare, “I’m done with school!” because you are nowhere near the end of the tunnel.

4.) English- Book Club That You Complain About:You love books, yet you somehow spend most of your time complaining about all the reading you have to do. You never thought you’d give in and try SparkNotes, but you now realize it’s actually God’s gift to academia. You have at least one other major because this one is doable in three years and you don’t feel like graduating early.

3.) Letters & Sciences- Make Up Your Mind Already:When relatives ask what your major is, you tell them, “Letters & Sciences,” rather than admit that you’re either waiting to get into a competitive major or don’t know what the hell you’re doing with your life. You take a lot of gen-eds and pray that one day you’ll meet a nice department, fall in love, and make that big commitment.

2.) Government & Politics- D.C. Douche:You’re extremely opinionated and have some kind of internship in D.C. that forces you to dress like an adult and ride the metro. You’re an absolute nightmare at Thanksgiving dinner. Trump’s presidency gives you mixed feelings because you’re glad that for the first time you’re not the only one who complains about policy, but you also sort of miss those days.

1.) Computer Science- Wants Dat Bling:Congrats, you’ll actually make money once you graduate! Your friends look at you with a mixture of admiration and envy (but mostly envy). People occasionally ask if you know how to hack. Sometimes you lie and say yes because that sounds cooler than “Not really. Actually I spend most of my time debugging code.” But inside, it just makes you sadder.