Yong: Brave and Beautiful

After seven years of trying to have a baby, we gave up. The hi-tech fertility treatments produced nothing but exhaustion -- emotional, physical, and financial. After ditching my last vial of fertility drugs, the miracle finally occurred:

No, I did not go into labor at the airport. I wasn't expecting in the biological sense. Yair Landesman was originally Yong (Brave One) Kim. Born in Wonju, South Korea, he was fostered for seven months in Seoul.

In 2003 Yosef and I decided to pursue the one avenue that would virtually guarantee us a child. Thus began our foray into Adoption 101.

The most immediate question was: Which country to adopt from? (Domestic adoption was fraught with problems.) Russia was out due to rampant alcoholism. A baby from Guatemala could perhaps pass for Sephardic, but the fees were prohibitive.

"What about South Korea?" suggested David, a student at Columbia University where I worked.

"Yeah, right!" I retorted. "That would be like hanging a billboard over our kid: 'I'm Jewish. Really.'"

"My cousins adopted a boy from Korea and he's quite popular in his yeshiva. Why don't you talk to them?" he advised.

And so we found ourselves at the home of Leah and Sam Schwartz. A Disney-shirted four-year-old greeted us. Jacob's almond-shaped eyes opened wide as he yelled, "Hey, Dad, there is a people here!" Before we got another glimpse of him, Jacob rode away on his truck.

As my husband and I drove home later, we agreed that rambunctious Jacob fit naturally in the Schwartz clan. Our passion for Korea grew, even as we began the grueling application process to Spence-Chapin, the adoption agency, in August 2004. We had to submit personal photos and answer 50 essay questions to prove our parent-worthiness and universality, such as "Who is your hero?" Yosef's was Gandhi, and mine, Grandma Moses.

Our eloquently written essays along with obsessively chosen photos notwithstanding, what clinched the deal were our reference letters. Onto the next hurdle: two home visits by a social worker, Jane. Visit One was scheduled for January, 2005.

My husband feared the couches clashed with the carpet, and we'd be deemed unworthy of a baby due to our bad taste.

I cooked cinnamon sticks to emit a homey aroma. Yosef, however, panicked over a detail I had overlooked: Aunt Annette had just given us two new couches. Despite their ornateness, he feared they clashed with the carpet, and Jane would deem us unworthy of a baby due to our bad taste.

Jane rang the doorbell. She began by re-asking the essay questions almost verbatim.

Yosef sighed, no incriminating questions so far. Jane then asked if she could take a look around the apartment.

"Do you --" she began.

Uh oh, here it comes...

"-- have firearms in the apartment?"

"You mean guns?" Yosef sputtered.

"No," I quickly answered.

She also wanted to know if we stashed drugs, of the non-prescription variety.

Thus we survived Visit One. Number Two would be scheduled after we were assigned a child, which Jane predicted would be around October.

Rosh Hashana, which occurred in late September, was particularly painful. It is a family holiday and we were not yet able to create our own family. When would we hear news of our child?

On Yom Kippur Eve, about to leave for the hospital where Yosef worked as Chaplain, I somberly packed a few items, grumbling about how we still had no word about a child. Yosef urged me to call Jane. "What for," I moaned. "If there was news, she'd be calling us." Nevertheless, I left her a message and soon drove to the hospital.

Later, as I was parking, Yosef called me on the cell. "Shulamis, are you sitting down?"

"Yes, but I'm parking. I'll call you back."

Two minutes later, he called again, "Are you sitting down?"

"Okay! I'll sit down."

"We're going to have a son! His name is Yong!--"

"What?" I shrieked, crying and laughing.

"Jane just received our son's—" he said chokingly "...file."

"You mean we're parents?" I swallowed tears. "When was he born? How much does he weigh?" I didn't wait for answers.

I called Jane making her repeat the vital statistics. She assured me that we'll receive all the details in person. I danced around the chaplain's quarters, dreaming about my baby.

A call from the hospital cantor interrupts my mania. "Where is everybody?"

On Monday morning, Jane arrived. We exchanged pleasantries and I managed a few breaths as she opened Yong's file. "Just show us his picture already!" my mind pleads.

"And here's Yong," Jane said finally.

I glimpsed quickly, afraid of confirming his homeliness. I glanced again -- can it be? Fuzzy black hair, sweet brown eyes, and a neck submerged in an adorably chubby chin!

To God I whispered, "Thank you." To Jane we blurted out, "When can he come home?"

Yosef and I exulted simultaneously, "This is our son!" To God I whispered, "Thank you." To Jane we blurted out, "When can he come home?"

"It could take three to five months," she said matter-of-factly. "Meanwhile, you'll receive progress reports."

That lone photo and Yong's reports were our oxygen till "Gotcha Day." Friends, relatives, and anyone we ever met were emailed Yong's photo. Then an envelope from Spence-Chapin arrived. I opened it absentmindedly, assuming it was a bill. Incredibly it was an updated photo! More emails were sent, and continued good wishes streamed in.

I hated the second photo. Yong was balding and unflatteringly chubby. Despite my disappointment, I enjoyed my celebrity status as a future adoptive parent. "You'll make great parents."... "Yong looks like Yosef." Then the insensitive comments: "Now you'll have your own child," someone predicted. "You mean a biological child," I corrected, smiling falsely.

Two months later, "Gotcha Day" finally arrived, on February 13, 2006. At JFK we met Megan and Sean, the adoptive parents of the other baby on the flight. Megan and I exchanged baby photos. The four of us obsessively looked at our watches, glancing towards incoming passengers.

Megan and I spotted two Korean ladies carrying babies on their backs. I compared Yong's pictures with the first baby. "Mine is next," I asserted. "No, this one's yours," Megan replied. REALLY? This gorgeous baby is mine?

I stretched my arms towards Yong. He reached out to me, his mother. I held him. He snuggled naturally into my embrace. My heart swelled with inexplicable emotion. "Shulamis," Yosef eagerly reminded, and I handed over Yong. Yong removed his father's glasses. He knew we're his parents. He is Brave and Beautiful -- because he is ours.

As an adoptee, it was really painful to read your concerns that the baby would be homely and that you were concerned he was unattractive in the second photo.I see from the comments this is an old article, but for those who come across it in 2018, as I just did, I will tell you that comments about an adopted child's looks, other than positive ones, should be totally off-limits. Similarly, remarks about biological families are always inappropriate. "Whoever gave you up must have been crazy" a dopey woman once told me. Um, no, she was not married (a huge scandal years ago) and thought she was doing the best thing for me. And even if she were "crazy"-- she was my mother, whom the Torah commands me to honor even though I never knew her.

(41)
Menucha Chana Levin,
August 5, 2018 2:57 PM

Beautiful story!

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Shulamis. We will always remember the wonderful seder you invited us to after the adoption of our two children from Ethiopia.

(40)
Judith Herzog,
September 29, 2013 4:19 PM

My children also came from Korea

Over 35 years ago, I, too, adopted from Korea. I was single and Jewish, and well on my way to becoming a Ba'alah tsuva...I won't even dignify some of the comments I got by repeating them here! I had the last laugh, though. My 2 daughters are the most wonderful treasures with whom H"m ever blessed any mother, beautiful, smart, well-educated, observant, and thoroughly good through and through- and, yes, they are truly my very own. They are now married to wonderful young men and have blessed me with 9 (so far) gorgeous grandchildren. We know a number of observant families with children from Korea and China, as well as other countries. We also know several Korean and Chinese Jews who were either gerim or born Jewish. If others are ignorant, either of adoption or of what constitutes a "real Jew," that is their loss. It is, however, a bracha for of K'lal Israel.

(39)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2013 8:58 AM

Adoption and acceptance

..."My cousins adopted a boy from Korea and he's quite popular in his yeshiva. Why don't you talk to them?" he advised. "

I chuckled when I read this line, because I am also from this part of the world. It is so nice to discover that despite of obvious differences in looks, both boys were not only totally accepted by the Jewish community, but also happens to be popular ! Thank you for sharing this story.

(38)
Anonymous,
July 18, 2009 6:35 AM

Thanks for sharing this emotional story! May the Landesman family enjoy the best of health, nachas and prosperity.

Thanks for sharing this emotional story! May the Landesman family enjoy the best of health, nacha and prosperity.

(37)
Ellen R. Harpin,
July 15, 2009 2:37 PM

From another adoptive Mom

After intertility surgery, we were blessed with two biological sons but never lost our desire to adopt. Our seven children are now adults, most of them parents. Always remember that some children are born under the heart and some within it. It's hard to remember which is which.
May Jair always bring you nachas.

(36)
elisheva,
July 14, 2009 5:31 PM

congrats

BABIES ARE MADE TWO WAYS IN THE WOMB OR IN THE HEART. IN THE HEART IS WHERE YOUR BABY WAS CONCEIVED AND MADE AND THE HEART IS ABOBE THE WOMB. SHALOM U'BRACHOT

(35)
Johnny,
July 12, 2009 2:52 PM

God is wonderful!!!

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache. I grabbed my coffee and Motrin and then sat at my computer. The first thing I read was this beautiful story. My headache is still awful, but now it doesn't matter. I'm choked up with happiness for you! :-) G-d bless your wonderful family!
I'm a former Christian who is converting to Judaism, and I want to thank you for telling us of this wonderful blessing!
Johnny

(34)
Anonymous,
July 12, 2009 1:18 AM

The Blessing of Adoption

As an adoptive parent myself, I couldn't help but tear up reading your story. Thank you for sharing it and may Yair continue to bring you much joy.

(33)
Anonymous,
July 10, 2009 12:48 AM

Mazal Tov!!!

Mazal Tov to your family. It's a wonderful time for everyone. I wish you only good health and luck. I, too, adopted a child from China almost 7 years ago. I am a single Mom, raising a nice Jewish girl who goes to a Hebrew Day School. I have never been happier. I wonder how I ever spent a day in my life without my daughter, the love of my life. Enjoy each and every moment.

(32)
Sara,
July 10, 2009 12:19 AM

Thank you for giving me hope.

(31)
Sarah Mirsky,
July 8, 2009 9:40 PM

My dearest Shulamis, It was great to hear from you through your exhilirating article about your son! You are a pillar of strength and vision to all.

(30)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2009 3:13 PM

This was such a moving article, thank you so much for taking the time to share. May Yair bring you much nachas!

Shulamis, thanks for giving me a good cry! B"H for this amazing gift you received! You sound like an amazing mother and I wish you only nachas and simchos. Yair looks like such a happy, sweet little boy.

(26)
Anonymous,
July 2, 2009 5:17 PM

Dear Shulam,
He's gorgeous! May he always be a great source of nachas to you and your husband. A friend from the past.

(25)
Lea,
July 2, 2009 4:34 PM

Mazal Tov

May your son be a constant source of Nachas to you and your husband. What a beautiful Bracha!!

(24)
,
July 2, 2009 3:25 AM

My wife and I adopted two lovely girls 23 and 22 years ago. This article brings back many of those wonderful feeligs we had going through our adoption process and now we can see our grown up wonderful young women. Thanks for sharing this story!
Doug Krasne

(23)
Sisi,
July 1, 2009 4:29 PM

How wonderful. I think with all the asian babies and children of various races being adopted by Jewish families that little Yair will have plenty of company. I do worry that there are those people who will not believe he is really Jewish and there are still racists among us unfortunately....
There used to be organizations that assisted Jewish familieis in adoption. Are they still around???? I know that I will have to adopt if I ever want to have kids and I am hoping that our community has a support network for those of us unable to have a family the usual way.

(22)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2009 3:39 PM

This will hopefully help other people who may want to adopt!

It was such agreat idea for you to put this artlicle in! I hope that it serves as an inspiration to other people who are making decisions about adopting! JR

(21)
Jong-Hyon Shin,
July 1, 2009 8:27 AM

Thank You

On behalf of South Korean community I thank you and share the joy with you. With your loving care, I am convinced Yair/Yong will continue to be source of your great pride and happiness.

(20)
ruth housman,
June 30, 2009 1:53 AM

bundle of joy

such a lovely story! Congratulations to all of you. I think this is beshert and this is definitely a landesman!

(19)
Adam Cohn,
June 29, 2009 4:48 PM

Mazal Tov! What a blessing

Thanks for sharing this... we brought our daughter home from China in April of last year. Such joy and blessing.

(18)
Shoshana-Dvora,
June 29, 2009 3:19 PM

A beautiful story!

This was a BEAUTIFUL story! Mazel tov! I lived in Korea for 5 years, and although all babies are beautiful, I always thought Korean babies especially so. And my dealings with Koreans were always poluite and respectful. Unlike the US and some other countries, Korea doesn't have as serious a problem with alcoholism and drug abuse among young women. If I ever adopt a child, I will defintely return to Korea to do so!

(17)
miriam wolkenfedl,
June 29, 2009 3:00 PM

LOVELY ARTICLE

LOVELY ARTICLE; GREAT FOR THE JEWISH GENE POOL AND WONDERFUL TO SAVE A CHILD'S LIFE AND SO NICE FOR THIS YOUNG COUPLE.

(16)
brenda,
June 29, 2009 1:38 PM

amazing, heart wrenching & most uplifting!

Mazal tov, mazal tov, mazal tov on your new arrival. I am a bubbie, sitting in my office with tears of joy streaming down my face and my heart racing sharing your joy. May Hashem continue to bestow much joy and blessing on your wonderful family:)

(15)
RICKI,
June 29, 2009 3:42 AM

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR STORY! MAY HASHEM CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

(14)
Debbie,
June 29, 2009 12:13 AM

Brought back happy memories

What a lovely story. It helped me relive those precious memories of our "forever day", when we received our daughter from China in 2004. May your son be a source of nachas and grow up to be zocheh to Torah, chuppah and maasim tovim

(13)
Aimee,
June 28, 2009 8:43 PM

So Happy for you!

I can't be more happy for you and if I were to find my Beshert and he was a man of holiness who would adopt I would surely desire what you have done. Thank-You for great encouragement! Aimee

(12)
Anonymous,
June 28, 2009 8:18 PM

Mazel Tov

We are the parents of two children who were born
in South Korea. We went through "labor" at Kennedy
Airiport over almost twenty years ago, and at LaGuardia
16 years ago. Enjoy and learn to laugh at ignorant and insensitive questions and staring. Jews comes in all shapes and sizes. You are truly blessed as is your son.

(11)
Dena,
June 28, 2009 7:20 PM

Beautiful

Beautiful article. Brought tears to my eyes. I am SO happy for you. May you have only Yiddishe nachas from your beautiful son.

(10)
Linda K. Morales,
June 28, 2009 6:12 PM

I love seeing how God brings a family together!

I love seeing how God brings a family together! Your adoption story was beautiful... truly the Lord is the one who brought you together as family! Twenty five years ago,God gave my husband and I two children through adoption. We are now seeing the additional fruit of family with God's blessing of two grandchildren.

(9)
Rabbi Aryeh Moshen,
June 28, 2009 6:11 PM

You're a paragraph short

How was the Bris? The Mikveh?

(8)
Orah,
June 28, 2009 6:09 PM

Beautiful essay

As an adoptive parent, I too have had to endure my share of insensitive comments and questions. The worst is when people refer to me having "three" children, rather than four, since one of my children is adopted. Readers, please be sensitive.

(7)
Anonymous,
June 28, 2009 6:05 PM

Lovely story

How nice to read a story of joy for a change.

(6)
Helene,
June 28, 2009 5:27 PM

Mazel Tov

I hear about so much sadness, it is good to hear something so joyful. Keep us posted as your son grows.

(5)
Margareta,
June 28, 2009 4:22 PM

Children are a blessing from G-d!

What a wonderful story! There are so many orphan children around the world, especially in Israel. They need someone like you to look after them and teach them the word of G-d.
May your story be inspiring to all of us and help them as our Heavenly Father wants us to do.
Blessings to you both my dear and to Yong in a special way in His Word.

(4)
Sarah,
June 28, 2009 3:51 PM

Congratulations!

You'll make wonderful parents to a brave and beautiful son!

(3)
Ruth de Sola Mendes,
June 28, 2009 3:47 PM

Mazal Bueno!

How lucky Yong/Yair is to have found his parents. May you all enjoy and treasure each moment in health and fulfillment.

(2)
Judith Herzog,
June 28, 2009 3:09 PM

Mazal Tov to the Landesmans! We are also a frum family, and both of my daughters came from Korea.. and, yes, they were, and are, miracles. They came at ages 13 mos. and then 3 mos., and are both now grown and married to the most wonderful young men, and I have 5 and 1/2 absolutely gorgeous grandchildren! I also know quite a few other frum families made by adoption from Asia, South Americas, and other places. I hope for them that their son grows into half as fine a person as my daughters, and that they have even half of the Brachas from their son as I have had from my daughters. They will have been truly blessed.

(1)
Eva,
June 28, 2009 1:51 PM

A wonderful story

Thank you for sharing that with us. It is a wonderful story and beautifully told. I hope you write often. My best wishes.