What if you were here? What if you had made it? You want to know what if? I’ll tell you what. You’d be the most loved by the two of us. You’d be strong and brave and grow.

I know this is not the best of how things should go… but think about it. How are you going to feel? You never know. At least cry once a day.

Every day is so hard. To have the strength to get up is the hardest.

“One of the hardest challenges in this journey is those close to you that don’t know what to say or do so they leave you alone and that is challenging ”

When you look back all you have is yourself and maybe your significant other if they understand. Mine cries with me believe it or not and that is so heart breaking to see a man cry. I’m just fortunate that he’s so understanding and the biggest support in all of this.

There’s been a good amount of reach out from people I know. Which is incredible. It’s just the ones that are closer that just ignore it or don’t know what to say so they don’t and that’s hurtful. Especially when it’s made to feel that others problems are more than our loss. Trust me I know it’s hard. However to pretend nothing happened hurts more. It’d be as if someone lost someone and I never mentioned their name again. They still existed and pretending like life is good doesn’t help that void.

You may not be able to physically see this or know what it’s like. But checking in and just letting those around you that are going through a miscarriage or a loss know that you are there for them helps more than you realize.

Just the few that have reached out really made my heart feel so loved. As some days it’s hard to peel yourself from the bed to put on that smile and “action!” Acting your way through it all.

This past week we went in for another test. An ultrasound internal and external. They confirmed that everything “looks great” then started discussing more on how the DR wants to track the cycles now… I just looked at her and said

“so what’s the causes of the continuing losses? As these two are not just out of the blue. I had another one 4 years ago (which I had told her previously) ”

Dr states that this can be a chemical reaction or genetic. That the egg and sperm just aren’t genetically matching to survive. so now we are doing blood work to see what chemical levels.

They collected seven vials of blood. Definitely not a fun time.

The nurses were so nice. I’m not great at blood work anyway so definitely nice to have the ice pack after. Not to mention this is the 4-5th time for blood work in the last 2 months.

She said “After the test results come back if all is normal just keep trying. At least you know you can”

I just looked up and said “How many times should I have to go through this with out finding exactly out what’s going on and how to help this to not happen?” She also didn’t recognize my husband when she came in saying she wasn’t sure if they had met yet and shook his hand like this was her first time meeting him. And she is the one that ordered his sperm count lab work and had two lengthy conversations with the two of us. I know you’re probably thinking “just switch doctors” and I agree. However she is nice and I will say after I said that now she’s willing to send me to a fertility specialist. So once labs return if all is good then we will be going that route. We just wanted to see before drugs and all of that $$$ if we could achieve it on our own.

Clearly we are struggling and trying our best. Last night my husband surprised me with the below image. I busted out crying. Something so small meant the world to me.