I spent my afternoon purchasing gifts for Judson, gifts to decorate his grave site for his birthday.

As I drove from Michaels Arts & Crafts, to Target, then to Party City, I shed tears between each destination.I am buying gifts for my deceased child, and yet I am so concerned about them being special-something he would really like. This is all so crazy and painful!!??!!!

I stood in Party City looking at all the helium balloon options for over 10 minutes, trying to decide which one Judson would like best.My internal dialogue looked something like this…“Jud was given the Lightening McQueen balloon before, so I should probably get him something new.But he liked it so much, maybe it would be extra special because it has sentimental value.Should I get him that one again?Or maybe I should get him the huge Tow Mater balloon.It is similar to the McQueen balloon, but something new altogether.I bet that would bring a smile to his face.Oh, but that one doesn’t say “Happy Birthday!” on it.I definitely want a balloon that expresses the occasion.Maybe I should get a totally different type of balloon, one of the small round ones-Oh, there’s a Nemo balloon that says “Making a Splash on your Birthday!”Judson really enjoyed the story of Nemo, but “Making a Splash” doesn’t really seem appropriate.Hey, I hadn’t noticed that Thomas the Tank Engine balloon…”And so the conversation went on and on in my head.

Finally, I made a decision.I chose the Tow Mater balloon and the Nemo balloon, and I’m sure if Jud were alive here on earth for his 3rd birthday, he would be “making a splash” and these balloons would certainly be a hit.

I guess a mother’s desire to bring joy to her son never ends, even after he dies.

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I’m blowing my mind that you’d be a teenager today, Juddy. How is it even possible that my little boy who loved singing nursery rhymes, playing with his train set, and driving his Matchbox cars all over the carpet would be turning thirteen today?