Thursday, September 25, 2014

N told me two days ago his dad (who's not in London, but in the Middle East) called his mom and said that he had a nightmare that N "turned" gay. He started interrogating N's mom about the true nature of my relationship with him, etc. She pretended she knew nothing.

He told her if he finds out he's gay, he will either kick him out of the house, or move his sister out because she cannot be in the same house as him. He also told his mom to get N to invite his girlfriend ASAP to the house to introduce her to the family.

This has added a new level of stress for me because his dad has a historical record of domestic abuse. Although he isn't in London now, he is slated to visit in a few weeks' time, and I am afraid he will lash it out on either his mom, N, or me. N said that when he visits we will both be sleeping in separate rooms so it'll be civil. His dad also a track record of making life unbearably difficult for N whenever he feels N is rebellious - this will bound to affect our relationship.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I'm prone to being highly stressed and I'm noticing that these days I wake up really early because my mind is in overdrive, fraught with so many worries about the future.

Essentially, I have never been this passionate in my life about wanting a job. I am almost obsessed and have put the company on a pedestal. It's all crazy because the company has never hired anyone from my program for the London office since 2009. Because it is literally insanely competitive to get in. As much as I somehow try to avoid stressful and overly-competitive situations, I am also very much enticed and enchanted by the prestige and accomplishment I would feel being the first person from my program to get in.

I'm trying to practice cases, network with as many people as possible, and it's really odd because back in college, I absolutely hated all these fake bullshit. It's interesting how much I've changed.

Also, BTB and I probably have gone a bit too far, but I think I'm finally gonna be able to stop because I've seen the true colors of that shithole. We joined the LGBT group on campus, and that bastard, being the pretty boy twunk that he is, got hit on hardcore by an existing consultant who gave him 1-2-1 sessions on how to break into consulting, and when I asked him to help a bromo out, he lied and said that 'oh I'm not meeting him anymore because I'm too lazy too' and guess what I saw them in the library together...yeah well, he really didn't need to lie to me.

Once someone sees me as a competitor instead of as a friend, I remember that forever. I'm a grudge-holding asshole basically. I shall now be wary of everyone and understand that in the real world, "friends" might still take a shit on your face.

Anyhow, I've also done a lot of personality tests mandatory by my school, and they all gave really negative feedback to me, like how I am overly pessimistic, prone to anger and frustration, easily stressed out, and often swayed by emotion rather than logic. Even the "half-glass full" side of the analysis was hurtful: "Because you are a very pessimistic individual, negative outcomes will not surprise you as you would have expected it." - dafuq? lol.

It is so weird because I feel that I project a lot of self-confidence to others but to the people closest to me (i.e. N and my family), they are intimately aware that I am incredibly, incredibly insecure and unconfident. This frequently hinders me both career-wise and also happiness-wise. My heart was beating so fast this morning as I was thinking of how I may not get a job at all in London and have to break up with N...which depressed me.

Also, my relationship with N has changed quite a lot...now that we don't see each other 24/7 because I'm always in school, we have grown slightly distant...It worries me that in the future if my job is gonna be super demanding I would see him even less and less. Right now we have sex like once in two weeks, which is holyshit infrequent. Some times I get back from school and I'm so tired I don't even talk to N about my day. So many things to adjust to along the way too...right now we live 45 minutes away from central London and this is the longest commute I've ever done in my life. I'm so used to paying a crazy premium just to live right smack in the central of most cities. I'm also kinda depressed by the shitty fast food in London, where I either have to eat McD's all the time, or fucking flavorless whole-wheat shitty sandwiches filled with "all-natural goodness" that frankly, I don't give a fuck about!!! Why WHY do Europeans eat such flavorless rock-hard and dry sandwiches all the time? It just blows my mind. Then when I'm home for dinner N's mom cooks Persian food...it's really sweet of her and she is a great cook but after two weeks in Iran I am more than over Persian food really. I really just want my Chinese food!!!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I've been bombarded with so many career services talk the last few days. Woefully practical is my course in that it focuses straight away on employment. I'm still surprisingly jetlagged after Iran (what the actual fuck it's been a week). Also, G (Threesome boy) and I have become pretty good friends on the very comical basis that I think we both find each other attractive, and actually have quite a bit in common. He looks really angelic / innocent (kinda like me), but inside is one kinky little devil. He told me he once had two cocks up in his ass. What the actual fuck!?! I may or may not be vicariously living my kinkiness off him. I don't think I'll ever do anything with him though, because I don't want to ever jeopardize anything with N for sure.

Also, I really do love being not so "obvious" on the gay scale because I can just chat up straight guys in the locker room and they'll just completely strip in front of me and all is fine and dandy in the world. meanwhile i secretly stare and size everyone up.

Anyway, it seems like I have to recalibrate my ambition of landing em-bee-bee in London...apparently none have hired from my program which is yet another what the actual fuck!?? i've so many friends in the chicago office with mc-kay though...gah, why wasn't the US market better when i was still in undergrad :(

Saturday, September 6, 2014

So basically school has started and I've had my first day of orientation and I really like my classmates so far some are very "real" and not all the banking consulting mumbo jumbo talk. I also met this pretty cute very white guy who turns out to be gay and has been living with his bf for three years. So I started talking to him about my experience living in with my bf for a year now, and he asked for pics of him and so I showed him. All he said was "wow" and we talked a bit more etc and took pictures at Tower Bridge etc.

Then he propositioned us both to go over to his place cos he has a hot tub there. I said I'll let him know since N has a friend from out of town this weekend. We begin texting and somehow I said something cheeky and he said his dick was 7". I cheekily replied "pics or it didn't happen" and he actually sent two pics of his cock to me. And then he starts telling me he thinks my bf and I are really handsome and he's feeling horny tonight hence he sent me the pics. Then he says he would love to have a threesome with N and I.

Holy shit. I said N will never entertain that and he kept pushing really. Granted this dude is hot with a good bod and Clark Kent features but it's creepy how he's so forward about wanting a threesome!!! AND he's my classmate!

To be honest I would be kinda up for it... But I know N would totally not be. And I will respect him for that but not gonna lie I got so fucking hard after he sent me the two pics