CIA: U.S. No Longer Under Threat From VHS Tapes

Washington – Former Director of the Central Intelligence Agency Porter Goss said today that because of the agency’s efforts, the United States was “no longer under threat from VHS tapes or any other form of analog media.” Mr. Goss testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee following the disclosure that some 92 tapes documenting interrogations of terror suspects were destroyed by the CIA in 2005, during his tenure as the agency’s director.

“These tapes will no longer be able to harm this great country, and that is due to the bravery and dedication of the men and women of this agency,” Mr. Goss said. “They did the hard work necessary to put down this threat. Namely, they pulled that plastic thingee back and ripped the tape out of the case thing.”

Diane Feinstein, chair of the Intelligence Committee, asked Goss, “Your contention, Mr. Goss, is that that these tapes were not destroyed to prevent people seeing the types of interrogations that were going on, but that it was some kind of protective measure? Is that right?”

“That’s exactly right,” Mr. Goss replied. “Now, I know it may seem like these tapes were destroyed because of what was on them. I see how that might be inferred, given that all the tapes that were destroyed contained video documentation of interrogations. But that is just so not the case. It couldn’t be further from the case. It’s, like, incredibly different than what the case actually is. And that is that these tapes posed a threat to this nation, and that, luckily, that threat was snuffed out and crushed to dust by the brave agents of the Central Intelligence Agency.”