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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Twilight Experience: Part III

Despite my gut reaction to another viewing of New Moon, I did not vacate the AMC Bridgewater premises immediately after the movie. I remained in my seat to witness the premiere evening of Eclipse along with the rag tag bunch of soccer moms and tweens dressed to the nines in their Twilight apparel.

There was an electricity in the air that I can only attribute the polar reaction of so many Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts coming into close contact with one another in a jam packed theater.
Eclipse was to be a completely new experience for me in the Twilight realm. I managed to muddle my way through the first two books out of sheer will power, but failed miserably at Eclipse...mostly because it was too damn boring, but also because it read like something my family's jack russell terrier could have written...in one afternoon.

Technically I had no idea where this movie might be headed. I could only hope, as I had during the last two, that it was heading towards ANYONE getting laid. (yeah right)

It never ceases to amaze me how someone like Stephanie Meyer managed to write three books that turned into best sellers...all with the exact same plot. I honestly don't think it matters what order you read or watch these in.

1. Bella is insecure
2. Edward and Jacob have a feud over Bella
3. All the bad guys are obsessed with killing Bella. (Honestly I would be too, but not for the reason they lead you to believe in the movies. She's the most boring and annoying character I've seen in a long while and definitely deserves to fall off of a cliff (and actually die this time!!!!!!!) at the very least.)
4. Everyone fights over who should protect Bella
5......... d e a d s p a c e...........
6..................................................................
7..................................................................
8. Edward and Jacob get blue balls
9...............................random fight scene for no reason
10. Blue balls
11. Credits

It's pretty bad when the action scenes make you want to kill yourself out of boredom. The side plot about a "newborn" vampire army was pretty brutal, but it did give one of the Cullen Clan, Jasper, his time in the spot light.

Jasper, who has been pretty quiet most of the series so far was apparently in the US Cavalry, and because of his sudden back story and epic flashback....adopted a thick southern accent in the middle of the movie. Clearly ( I guess I should say luckily) the actors were not expected to read the book series when they were cast. This guy obviously had no idea that he was supposed to be from the south until right before shooting the flashbacks.

Despite the sudden change in character and voice, Jasper turns out to be pretty bad ass. Maybe he should have his own spin off movie.

Jacob Black, who is about as good an actor as the mop from the Swiffer commercials (so let's face it, pretty good), actually has some pretty funny scenes and one liners in Eclipse.

“I don’t have any leeches on my speed dial.”

“Does my being half-naked bother you?”

“Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV”

In fact...a Jasper/Jacob spin off movie or show would be supa cool. It would be the ultimate bromance. They have the alliteration and everything. During the final minutes of Eclipse I found myself wondering why I couldn't be watching the J squared spin off movie instead of this piece of trash.

The Minx Says: At least there aren't any more of these coming out....until November 2011. 4 and 1/2 blessed months of rest before part I of Breaking Dawn, should Bella switch dish detergents because Dawn uses petroleum in their alleged eco-friendly recipe? Tune in November 18, 2011 to find out*.