The abbreviated dictionary of Jewish diseases.

We Jews generally don’t feel too good … or if we say we do, wait. (It won’t be long before we “share” that odd lump with you.) Face it. We Jews carry 3,500 years of “eh, could be better” in our DNA. For many of us it’s normal to assume that a splinter of the toe could be an early warning sign (Sha!). If you’ve got headache, we’ve got a migraine – or maybe worse.

I’ve done some research, and for the first time, I present you with a list of diseases, illnesses, and narishkeit that is quintessentially, totally Jewish. After all, why should I feel rotten and alone?

Illness: Delicatessence – an acute fear of hanging meat

MARNIE’S ABBREVIATED JEWISH MEDICAL GUIDE

Illness: Delicatessence. A rare, yet under-reported illness, the sufferer has an acute fear of hanging meat, slicers, and long aprons with fish stains. It is believed it starts in childhood when the hyper-sensitive kinder, after waiting two hours with mom behind 40 Jewish women at the deli for her Sunday platter, may have connected the smell of lox and bagels with Aquanet. It’s considered psychological.

Symptoms: Intermittent screaming at the sight of whitefish, kosher salami, and strange men who wear aprons or smell like chopped liver.

Illness:Challahtosis. A temporary but painful condition brought upon by the prolonged ingestion and exposure to challah, especially following Shabbat and Jewish holidays.

While normal Jews adore this delicious, traditional treat, after over-exposure, challahtosics turn into challah-philes. Whether round, braided, stuffed or unstuffed, with seeds or chocolate chips, they live for French toast, sandwiches, onion soup, turnovers, and challette treats. Even sesame bagels and lox with cream cheese can’t tempt one who is challahvied.

Symptoms: Blimpism. Goodyear has less gas. A secondary condition is JYS or Jewish Yeast Syndrome, from which they get permanent, degenerative, athlete’s foot. In the advances stage, some may even pull the challah apart and add a shmear of Nutella.

Illness: Jewmonia. A frequent ailment which is akin to what Gentiles call “a cold.”

Symptoms: We Jews know better!That so-called “cold” is just waiting to hear: “Take an aspirin” before the bacteria decide to throw a huge bash to which they invite every infection they know. It may start with a cough, a sneeze, a fever of 99, a little chill and hangs on for three whole days but a diligent Jew will take action. First she’ll ask her postman if he thinks it’s Jewmonia and should run get an X-ray. Should the postman say those words: “It’s a cold,” we then ask our plumber, the bag boy at K-Mart, the lady in the elevator at Bloomies, and should they, too, utter the same swaddle, we turn to our sister Ruthie, who recommends an MRI and CAT scan. Suddenly we feel better, proving once again, that one sick Jew can outsmart an enemy – and also ruin a party.

Illness: Pupikpartem. A chronic ailment where the sufferer becomes instantly guilty and depressed when a) separated from parents or b) from their child.

Symptoms: In both cases, the victim walks around in a general state of krechtsation, moaning and groaning, even at fun events. For example, at the Shul’s joyous production of Fiddler, one note into “Sunrise, Sunset” and you’ll hear a geshrai (a shout)of such catastrophic proportion, it could become a matter for Emergency Services. On the other hand, should the production include your child or parent, the pupikpartemic will go into such a manic state of euphoria, this, too could become a matter for Emergency Services -- even if our mother is playing a Russian constable. In extreme cases, such as separation by college or marriage, the two may link and signal by PupikApp, a small device worn in the belly-button, designed by Mrs. Rhoda Goldfarb and her son Meyer when in the Bahamas, her new daughter-in-law complained about sharing the honeymoon suite.

Illness: Monojewcleosis. A temporary ailment causing extreme exhaustion and bad mood due to years of trying to find a marriageable bashert. The condition has the unusual quality of affecting the victim’s mother and may last up to six months.

Symptoms: Intermittent depression at the sight of a) a cruise ship; b) JewMate.com; c) Patti Stanger. Another symptom may be screaming at hearing the words “single,” “alone forever” and “knitting cat booties.” The exhaustion from the screaming makes the sufferer unable to attend any event where there may be prospects such as a JYA singles’ dance. It usually resolves itself within a month, especially when Aunt Sophie brings over that nice young Jewish doctor who removed her bunion.

Illness: Mechutonium. An ailment that affects some newlyweds upon spending a prolonged period of time with their in-laws. If the mechutonim are particularly irksome, e.g.: they’re already naming your first-born, the condition can occur following five minutes of exposure.

Symptoms: The most common resembles a type of catatonia, wherein, say, the daughter-in-law in the presence of the mechutonim, stares into nothing, becoming either a) completely unaware of voices, or b) says “Yes” a lot (even if his mother says he could’ve married an Ivanka.) Another symptom is eyelash pulling (her own). According to my research, one sufferer from Flatbush, the new Mrs. Hannah Greenbaum, invented Selective Hearing Lossers and limited Sight Lenses which she slips on when expecting a visit from the mechutonim.

And there we have it: Jew-seases.Should you do your own research and come up with more, feel free to add to our Jewish Medical Guide. The life you save may be … your cousin Hershel’s, the one with the allergy to his socks.

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About the Author

Quirky, no-nonsense, funny, Marnie – writer, editor, author, lecturer, clinician, and administrator -- is a straight-shooter, who has a distinctive voice and takes on the world in her columns, features, and books. Her advice column was syndicated through Tribune Media Services, and it currently appears in Singular magazine as Singular Solutions. Marnie has written over 20 books/calendars, including the series “A Little Joy, A Little Oy." Her books include Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother and A Little Joy, A Little Oy (pub. AndrewsMcMeel). She is also an award-winning “calendar queen” having written over 20. She has been nominated for both an Emmy and Writers Guild award.Thefullwiki.org has listed Marnie Macauley on their list of top Jewish_American writers, dead or living. (She’s still deciding which.) She was also chosen as a Distinguished Woman in Las Vegas in March of 2014.

Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...