Pages

Friday, March 27, 2009

Would You Friend Your Kids on Facebook?

Some of us parents lead a double life. Not the exciting kind where you end up in Ankara with no recollection of how you got there or why you're wearing only one stiletto, but a double life of the mind. We make our mom faces, wear our mom clothes, and use our mom vocabulary. Even those of us who are "cool moms" create a mom persona -- it doesn't have to be all braided hair and cookie dough. My mom persona is constructed out of different parts: part is my own personality, part is what I think mothers should look and sound like, part is how my mother was, and another part is a new creation -- something that came out of me after my kids came along, that wasn't there before. I like being a mom.

However, I do have a separate piece of my brain that's entirely personal. This piece is a survivor from a time before my children; maybe part single girl, part newlywed, maybe even part teenager. I try to let it change and grow apart from my "mom" self, so that I don't just become the mom and abandon the real me. So that I don't look around when my kids leave for college and realize I have nothing to do but wait for grandchildren. Writing novels is part of that separate piece, and blogging is part of the separate piece (peace?) and recently Facebook, for me and a lot of moms I know, has become part of it.

Yes, we've always had our email lists and phone calls, but there's something about posting OMFG, I need them to be asleep. Must. have. quiet. as one of my friends did recently, that provides instant gratification. You wouldn't write an email to say "Why is it that my children think they need to physically help me open a pack of gum?" But if you Facebook it or Twitter it, you'll have five or six amusing answers within a few minutes, and nowadays really that's all you want. Email has become the new snail mail -- it feels cumbersome, antiquated, and formal, like you need a really good reason to do it, especially to a whole group. Facebook and Twitter is where you go for instant luv now. To shout out to your mom homies, and hear a "hellz yeah" back. Of course, you can't shout out to your mom homies with the children in the room.

But it's not just about complaining about your kids. As more people find and use Facebook, your friend list becomes a synthesis of your entire life. You have high school friends, college friends, ex-boyfriends, professional acquaintances, people who only knew you when you played in a rock band, people who only knew you when you were a cool writer chick, etc. Putting all these people in one place is perplexing enough, without introducing them en masse to your children, who may not know that Mommy wrote a kind of edgy experimental book back in the 90s, who may not see Mom as a rocker, who have no concept of any previous life that Mom may have led, or really anything that existed before they, the children, came into the world.

Which is why you get posts like this, from another friend: I need to post something funny but don't want any speshul snowflaks to see. To which I responded: Whisper it in groanupps langwadj. And another mom added: We must find a way around this... Well, don't we still have email? Don't we still have the telephone? Yeah, we do. But since we've tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of Facebook and Twitter, we can't go back to the old way of doing things. Anyone want to run out and register Mombook.com?

To recap, there are three reasons to NOT friend your kids on Facebook:

1. No more bitching about the kids or reporting the funny things they do/say.2. Kids get to meet Ralph the pierced stoner and experience all his video posts, then ask me how I know this Ralph guy and what those people are doing with that garden hose.3. Now I have to edit everything I say to make sure it's safe for the dinner table.

But some of us have kids old enough to have their own Facebook accounts. High schoolers, even. So, are there any reasons TO friend your kids?

1. Know what your kids are up to. This was actually the reason I joined Facebook in the first place, and my first two friends were my two teenaged stepchildren. See -- it works both ways. Maybe someplace on LiveJournal there's a post called "Would You Friend Your Mom on Facebook?"2. If they ask you to friend them, and you don't friend them, then that feels mean. And it is mean. There's just no way around it. You don't want to say "I won't be your friend" to your child, even if you explain it in the kindest possible way.3. Maybe, just maybe, it's a good thing for the kids to see their moms in this context.

For example: Yes, Mom has friends. Yes, Mom makes snarky comments about politics to people I've never met. No, I don't get all the inside jokes on her Flair corkboard. No, I didn't know she went to college in three different places. Seeing mom in the context of other adults, in the context of the great big world, and witnessing some interactions that have nothing to do with children, nothing to do with them, might just be good for our kids, especially the older ones. I have no solution to the privacy problem or our need for an "Adults Only" zone that's just as fun and immediate as Facebook, but until we figure it out, I am pretty sure that friending your kid is the only thing you can do.

16 comments:

I'll preface this by saying that this is purely theoretical, as my kids aren't old enough for Facebook yet....

But. I have some professional contacts on Facebook as well as personal ones. I try to keep my behavioral there fairly professional, or at least keep the silliness to one-liners. My kids already know that when they are older, friending me will be a REQUIREMENT if they wish to become active on Facebook or other, similar sites. Maybe once they pass 18 we'll mutually decide to part ways, but until then, I consider it my job to keep an eye on 'em.

And I'll just go back to private messages for the stuff I don't want them seeing. ;)

Wow, a lot of food for thought here. My immediate reaction was "Of course, I want to know what they're up to!" But I had never thought of it in the context of "And now they'll know what you are up to!" Yuk! Fortunately, none of the old beaus have made any snarky comments (probably because their wives are on too), but who knows. Neither have my college friends or the ones from "the cult".

But I think you're right...how could you say, "Let's not be friends to your child?" Oh well, I have a few more years to freely enjoy it. I'll think about it then!

Mir, then there's the whole other thing where your kids' "What color fruit salad are you?" or "Susie poked Billy with a cattle prod on Superpoke!" alerts start showing up on your wall spaces. I think that Facebook/Twitter is defining a whole new integration of public and private personas in general. CEOs tweeting what they ate for lunch, etc. The walls are coming down.

Marta, you're right -- by the time Benny and Sadie are old enough, there will be something even more transparent and invasive. Actually, it's kind of a relief to me, letting the different parts of my life mingle a little.

Three of my four kids have facebooks and I'm friends with all of them. So handy to see the pictures my daughter took hanging around on our roof while I was out all day. My mother-in-law has a facebook too and it's cute how she talks to my kids and her other grandchildren.

Yes, I am now outed as the crabby, ignorant mom with behbehs in her Facebook friends. It's really, really hard, because honestly, I don't mind having my own teens on my Facebook. They're older, they are pretty up to speed on issues while still being blissfully innocent about some things. (For example, my 17 year old doesn't *get* that KY commercial with the mom and dad having frantic sex while their kids are gone. She knows that sex is involved, but doesn't understand the whole KY thing. I find this oddly comforting, but I digress...) So anyway, it's not the kids; it's the KIDS of my FRIENDS. I don't know how to say no to them, and don't want to hurt feelings, so I let them in. Hence my quandry of what can I get away with without having the mothers of these angels descend upon me like hungry, pissed off bears. I know what I can get away with around my own kids; I have no desire to deal with the older children of other folks. I'm full of kids, and that's obvious to all who know me. (Sigh...) It's hard, man! I love my own time, and the internet is a get away for me, since my private time amounts to an hour of so before I collapse and those random, thrilling trips to Walmart or Dillards if I'm real lucky. I should learn how to say "no".

Colyn I luv yeh! I know what you mean about worrying about other people's kids, but I think their moms should know what they're getting into if they get into it, you know?

I think having the kids on Facebook forces me to edit myself, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I'm also pushing myself to not edit all topics, you know? Like not edit entire parts of myself out of it.

Hi Lydia! I don't do American Idol, but I do facebook - want to be my friend? :)

As for kids and facebook... hmmm, I can see the dilemma. I tend to keep facebook fairly civilized, though, as I have many professional contacts and colleagues there. I mean, I get silly sometimes - I'm not ashamed of that - but I don't kiss & tell on there, haha, nor do I do a lot of quizzes or other apps - not for any principled reason, just that I don't. And I save my kid-related complaints and antics and angst for xanga, where I still have a more intimate community of mom-friends. Besides, I usually need more than 140 characters (or whatever it is) for my mom angst ;)

Like you said, by the time our kids are old enough to have a fb account (which could be soon - Miles is 11-1/2, but I'm still limiting computer use), there will be other concerns, I'm sure!

My 13yo daughter just friended me and I thought about not accepting since FB is my fantasy world away from home ;) BUT, then I remembered that I can censor certain friends and control what they see. Go to SETTINGS, then PRIVACY, then PROFILE. Click on CUSTOMISE for each setting that you want to block your kids. Go to the bottom of that window (EXCEPT) and enter their name. Save your changes and then go back to the top of the page and enter your child's name in the box that says: See how a friend sees your profile. Works great ;)

We work with individual investors and the company that provides merchant cash advance, asset based lending, commercial real estate refinancing, lines of credit, hard money loans, business acquisition financing, debt consolidation loans, and more. For more information, We encourage you to contact us and learn more about the financing services we offered. If you have any questions or want more information about our company, please feel free to email: Please, contact us for more information: PergoCF@qualityservice.com

Personal loans may not be right for every borrower looking for a home improvement loan. For example, if you have significant equity in your home and are looking to borrow a large amount, you might be able to save money with lower interest rates on a home equity loan. Also, interest payments on home equity loans and lines of credit can be tax deductible under certain circumstances – that’s not the case with personal loans.Interested applicants should Contact us via email: PergoCF@cheerful.com

On the other hand, personal loans can make sense for:

*Recent homebuyers*Smaller home improvement loans (e.g., bathroom or kitchen as opposed to full remodel)*Borrowers in lower home value markets (if your home value has barely budged since you moved in, you may not have much equity to draw on for a home equity loan)*Those who value ease and speed*Borrowers with great credit and cash flow

While home equity loans and lines of credit are a good source of home improvement money if you’ve built up equity in your home, a personal loan may be a better alternative if you’re a new homeowner and need to take care of a few updates to make your new home just right. You can get an affordable loan for just one week. Please connect us at via E-mail Please, contact us for more information: PergoCF@gmail.com

Are you a business man or woman? Are you in any financial mess or Do you need funds to start up your own business? Do you need a loan to start a nice Small Scale and medium business? Do you have a low credit score and you are finding it hard to obtain capital loan from local banks and other financial institutes?. Interested applicants should Contact us via email: PergoCF@cheerful.com ,( PergoCF@qualityservice.com ), PergoCF@gmail.com

Our loans are well insured for maximum security is our priority, Our leading goal is to help you get the services you deserve, Our program is the quickest way to get what you need in a snap. Reduce your payments to ease the strain on your monthly expenses. Gain flexibility with which you can use for any purpose from vacations, to education, to unique purchases. Interested applicants should Contact us via email: PergoCF@gmail.com ,( PergoCF@qualityservice.com ), PergoCF@cheerful.com

We offer a wide range of financial services which includes: Business Planning, Commercial and Development Finance, Properties and Mortgages, Debt Consolidation Loans, Business Loans, Private loans, Home Refinancing Loans with low interest rate at 1.00% per annul for individuals, companies and corporate bodies. Get the best for your family and own your dream home as well with our General Loan scheme. Please, contact us for more information: PergoCF@qualityservice.com ,( PergoCF@gmail.com ), PergoCF@cheerful.com

WE OFFER ALL KIND OF LOANS - APPLY FOR AFFORDABLE LOANS.

Please, contact us for more information: PergoCF@qualityservice.com ,( PergoCF@gmail.com ), PergoCF@cheerful.comKindly write us back with the loan information;- Complete Name:- Loan amount needed:- Loan Duration:- Purpose of loan:- City / Country:- Telephone:- How Did You Hear About Us:

If you are interested to get a loan then kindly write us with the loan requirement. Please, contact us for more information: PergoCF@qualityservice.com ,( PergoCF@gmail.com ), PergoCF@cheerful.comYours Sincerely,Mrs. Ceren KellyPergoCF@gmail.comPergoCF@qualityservice.comPergoCF@cheerful.com

Hi.

I'm Lydia Netzer, and my novel SHINE SHINE SHINE is a New York Times Notable Book for 2012, an Amazon Spotlight Book of the Month, a Target Book Club Pick, and was shortlisted for the LA Times Book Prize in Fiction. I'm a mom, a gamer, and if you've got magic beans, I'll bid. Photo by Amasa Smith. Click on it to visit her.

Book 2.0

How to Tell Toledo From the Night Sky, published on July 1, 2014 from St. Martin's Press. Two astronomers meet and fall in love, only to find out that their mothers knew each other as children, planned for them to be soulmates, raised them to be perfect for each other, and then orchestrated their meeting. The book is about fate and determinism, science and faith, and asks the question: what is love?

e-Novella

Everybody's Baby is about a couple who funds their fertility treatment with Kickstarter, and then has to pay up on perks like naming the baby and cutting the cord.

Book 1.0

Shine Shine Shine, July 2012, St. Martin's Press. A novel about robots, sex, the American family, the secrets of newsmen, the dangers of fitting in, and a rocket to the moon.