Is there really a point to asking "What's really going on behind the scenes with couples who renew their vows?" by highlighting some oft divorced Hollywood couple? Lopez/Anthony somehow lead us to insight on all couples who renew vows?

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey married in 2008. They renew their vows every year. This year they renewed their vows in the hospital because Mariah had given birth to their twins earlier that day (April 30).

Just because a man is very handsome doesn't mean he doesn't have sexual hangups. And, is terrified of sex. (The man she was referring to was Catholic.)

My mom pointed out that his wife had acne. And, probably never got sexually satisfied. (Yes. There were two sons.) But a man has to take his time to pleasure a woman. It's not a religious experience.

Then my mom added that I would never be able to tell by "looks" ... if a man satisfied his wife. Or not. But she spoke of a rather ugly man who must have been well endowed. Because his wife was constantly smiling. Woman woke up happy. And, my mom said it takes the interactions between a man and his wife, to make that happen.

So, I was told not to use looks as any indicator.

Shared love, on the other hand, is a grand experience! Won't work if the female's a complaining bitch. Or overly religious and into lighting candles to making wishes come true.

And, some men are raised in such a terrifying manner, they never overcome the hostilities they have to mom. (As Philip Wylie said: "MOM-ISM") ... No matter how handsome the face. And, how square the jaw. It's a miserable experience to be married to one of them.

I think that renewed vows between a couple that have been married for, say, ten year mean something; when a celebrity couple does it as an annual event, it's nothing but ego-stroking for the two narcissists involved.

Sorry but I think vow renewal is ridiculous. Whether you're trying to make a big public acknowledgment that you *broke* the previous vow or not, re-vowing only undermines the significance of a vow.

If it's an excuse for throwing another "wedding" and getting a lot of people to come to a party celebrating your couplehood, I call bullshit. Have parties that celebrate the wonderfulness of everyone at the party.

A vow renewal is an indication of something very wrong. It is a re-promise, an undermining of the concept of promise, or a marker that the first promise has been broken. Why would the second promise be any more valid than the first which proved worthless? How about keeping the original promise of getting out of Dodge?

What Bob said - all of it. A couple that wants to renew their vows after twenty or more years as a reaffirmation of all that brought them together and all they shared is one thing, but doing it every couple of years screams that there trying to convince themselves of something.

Carol_Herman said...

For what it's worth. Advice I got from my mother:

Just because a man is very handsome doesn't mean he doesn't have sexual hangups. And, is terrified of sex. (The man she was referring to was Catholic.)

Given the number of large Catholic families, that doesn't seem to be the issue. If anything, the opposite would appear to be true.

My mom pointed out that his wife had acne. And, probably never got sexually satisfied. (Yes. There were two sons.) But a man has to take his time to pleasure a woman. It's not a religious experience.

To paraphrase Woody Allen, if you do it right, it is.

Then my mom added that I would never be able to tell by "looks" ... if a man satisfied his wife. Or not. But she spoke of a rather ugly man who must have been well endowed.

Endowed has nothing to do with it. A guy has to know how to tickle a woman's fancy. And she's right, it takes some time.

I think it depends ... granted, they are older, but I've attended vow renewals of couples that, for whatever reason, couldn't have a wedding the first time around - e.g. got married at the courthouse. Either couldn't afford it or guy was going into the military or whatever. So they use the occasion of a 20th or 25th or even 50th wedding anniversary to have that celebration. I think it is very sweet.

I (we) did a vow renewal at a church after a two day long "workshop" on marriage, etc. So it eas a bit more than just a ceremony by itself. I thought it was meaningful in that setting but, in general these publicity stunts are just that.

Maybe it's a way of trying to make an anniversary party seem more exciting... as if somber rituals were exciting. The thing about a wedding is that something happens at exactly the point when the vows are made. There's a magic moment for the congregation. Vow renewal... you're just repeating yourself. Why does the audience have to pretend it's watching an event? Totally bogus!

We have a winner, and low and behold it is Professor Althouse. She was sandbagging us.

The marriage is a covenant in which both parties totally commit that in all they are or will ever become they will put the other first.

Now that should discourage folks who want to half marry and half fool around and keep secrets from each other.

I have had several rich clients who told me that money came first for them and that their wife came second, if there was any need to use her to raise the children.

But they ended going through divorces after their wife had gone alcoholic or otherwise Rx drug addicted. They had put up with each other for 15 years until the kids were out of college.

The divorces ended up settling where the first offers were made, but only after the wife had caused both parties to spend $500,000 in attorney's fees. It seems that she did not trust him.

In my experience the sharing of the man's true feelings and true thoughts usually cures a woman's frustrations from "being trapped in a marriage to a successful man."And it is so much cheaper in the long run.

A safe church family also adds a much needed social outlet for both husband and wife once they figure out that neither one can fulfill all of the other's needs. Any jealousy becomes poison at that point.

But actors in films and plays should get a dispensation. They must train themselves to become schizophrenic by becoming a different person once or twice a year.

Oh, I so agree. Ridiculous and embarrassing. You're married, your wedding is behind you. Get over it. Concentrate on having a relationship that is enjoyable to the two of you, but don't expect everyone else to continue to get all involved in your love for each other.

I think vow renewals might also, at times, come from insecurity about the marriage's potential to last. Another famous couple that renewed their vows, only to divorce several months later, was Kate and Jon Gosselin. I think in that case, it was part publicity and a whole lot of wishful thinking...kind of a "last-ditch effort", so to speak.

"Of course the best way to get married is to drive off to Colorado and blog it!"

It was as blogged as many a cup of coffee has been here. We didn't even want an officiant, which is why we went to Colorado.

We were completely audience free. We didn't video it. We bypassed all the Wisconsin judges we could have asked to officiate and were completely alone.

We turned down an offer from Bob Wright to get married on Bloggingheads.

People may have paid a lot of attention to me and Meade getting married, but we completely excluded everyone from the vow exchange event.

Oh, come on.

You were happy as a clam and you know it and you wanted to share your joy. We saw courtship, wedding trip, reception (such as it was), and honeymoon (well, the trip back) - albeit with an 8 - 12 hour delay.

I agree with those who regard marriage vow renewals negatively: it seems grandiose to me, as well as a case of "protesting too much."

If a couple's relationship is solid and loving, what purpose is served to renew vows?

On the other hand, for narcissistic couples it allows them to display themselves to their friends and associates, to show off their "special" love--so great, so deep, so uniquely in need of expression it must be formalized anew in public.

For couples in trouble, it's a way to deny to themselves or to others what they really know to be true: the relationship is terminal.

By the way, if looks could kill, the expressions on the faces of Lopez and whatzisname in that Daily News photo could accomplish the mass murder of everyone within 20 city blocks of them!

Weddings are about family. They integrate and welcome the new spouse and couple into an extended kin network.

I'd change the "ARE" about to a "SHOULD BE" about. Traditionally, yes, weddings are and should be about family. However, today's over-the-top materialistic wedding trends completely trump that. Now it is about putting on a show and going into debt so you can impress people.

I ought to know--I'm getting married in two weeks! But, I'm focusing on my future marriage, and not on half a day's worth of entertainment.

Vow renewal at the 25th anniversary is an old tradition in the midwest, especially with Catholics. There's a mass, the renewal, and then a blowout party. It's a pretty good racket for priests and caterers. The ones I've been to were nice, and a lot of fun.

Aww...go figure. I mean, the luv must have been soooo strong in the beginning. So strong that he left his preggo wife for her. That speaks volumes. (Maybe Jello's preggo now?) Butt please..give me a break on the most beautiful woman in the world bit. Dozens are ahead of her in my view...which would be blocked if Jello's in the same room.

I want to hear Richard Kessler's take on what marriage is about. I bet he loves the idea of vow renewal. Does it typically involve new jewelry? As Dick says in the world's most annoying radio ad, "Scinnntilllating"

We renewed our vows on our 25th anniversary but it was originally a joke.

It started when my wife and her girlfriends went on a girl trip to the beach. While at a restaurant they asked if there were any brides-to-be in the crowd. My silly wife raised her hand and they played some silly song while while she danced on the table and her friends danced around her.

From there they had a bridesmaids luncheon, tea and lingerie party. Finally a friend asked if we could have a wedding. I said OK and all of her friends wore their worst bridesmaids dresses. At the last minute my wife invited a minister friend to renew our vows.

For a few minutes it became serious but it was still fun. We will celebrate our 29th in August. She sure makes my life interesting.