6 Guaranteed Methods for Starting a “Mega -Church” or Get Your Money Back!

Well, well, well. I would have loved to have come up with these patented methods but some body beat me to them. But I was close though. 😉 So, do you….

Image is everything...Try 3-D!

Want to be in a Mega-Church? Want to start one? Want to know how to function like a Mega-Church? Here are 666 ways. (Ooops my 6 key stuck, sorry, I meant: 6 ways.)

1. Insist on a lack of specificity. Can we be honest here? The more specific you are with doctrine, the more detailed your statement of faith – the more likely you will make some uncomfortable or confused. Solution? Be very VERY general. For instance, under “Beliefs” use a small list. Maybe four items. (1) We believe in God (2) We love Jesus (3) People are important (4) We have no expectations. Now I ask you, how can you lose with that? That would barely offend an ACLU lawyer.

2. Sing a LOT of songs and have talented, professional quality musicians and singers. Sing a LOT of songs. Don’t sing the old dirge hymns, sing things that are peppy and fast. Sing a LOT of songs. Don’t emphasize doctrinal content like the old hymns, make the songs subjective. “Oh I love love love God, yes I do do do.” Lots of repetition, no big words, no big concepts. And did I mention? Sing a LOT of songs.

3. Image is everything. Make sure your preacher, or team of preachers look young, hip and are dressed in a youth-approved style. Encourage them to wander across the stage, microphone in hand, quick with a joke and clever one-liners…and above all make sure EVERYTHING is calculated to entertain.

4. Don’t mention sin. You can joke about it a little. You can name sins (if you must) that most of your congregation is unlikely to have ongoing problems with. (Abortion, etc.) But by no means teach or preach about jealousy, lust or pride. WAY too close to home and care MUST be taken to not offend.

5. Remember people in a mega-church enjoy their anonymity. It’s nice to not have a snoopy pastor, or body of elders knowing too much about you. It’s just plain pleasant to be a face in the crowd. Above all else, you must respect the complete privacy of attendees. [Get the final factor here]

Now go and cast your visions! Nothing less than a mega-church demonstrates your success. But is it better to be faithful or successful? Hmmm.