‘The Wonder Down Under’ book empowers women with myth-busting knowledge about sex

Two women who authored "The Wonder Down Under" offer women myth-busting concepts about sex. (Giulio_Fornasar/Getty Images/iStockphoto)

It's time for adults to stop talking like babies.

Ladies, please. Between your legs? It is not a "va-jay-jay." That's a word coined by Shonda Rhimes when the censors said "Grey's Anatomy" was getting too anatomical. It is not your "lady parts." And enough, please, with references to the "hoo-hah."

Advertisement

Can't we just say vagina?

Yes, Norwegian sex educators Ellen Støkken Dahl and Nina Brochmann admit, technically that's only part of a woman's sexual equipment — and not even the most obvious one.

But it goes to the real point of their book "The Wonder Down Under": We would all be a lot healthier if we knew what we were talking about.

And we would all be enjoying a lot more sex if we knew enough to know what we wanted. And weren't afraid to ask for it.

The authors take a logical approach to every aspect of a woman's below-the-belt health. They deliver lots of useful information, mixing in plenty of bizarre facts, weird trivia and pop-culture references while still cheerfully setting the record straight.

The myth-busting starts with Chapter 1.

If you're a woman worrying if you A) look weird or B) smell bad, the answers are A) no and B) only if have an infection, which you would probably know about anyway.

Frustrated by her lack of orgasms, the princess had a surgeon move her clitoris.

"The Wonder Down Under" book by Ellen Støkken Dahl and Nina Brochmann will hit the shelves March 6, 2018.

It didn't help.

Advertisement

Oh, and the hymen? Time to dispel a lot of legends, most conjured up by sexist, insecure men.

The plain fact is that you can be sexually active and still have one, or still be a virgin without one.

You can't prove chastity by the vaunted maidenhood — though that belief still persists, widely enough that some women opt to restore the membrane with a hymenoplasty.

Others turn to the internet for fake hymens, complete with stage blood, to fool any honeymooning husband looking for proof of purity.

The authors' sex advice is practical. If it's your first time — or even your first time with a new partner — don't go any faster or further than you want.

And remember this is real life, not a porn movie, which takes something true and turns it into a fantasy — "a bit like the Hobbit films," the authors write.

"There may be mountains in real life, but that doesn't mean there are dragons living in them. And even if there were, they wouldn't have Benedict Cumberbatch's voice."

If you want to have a more realistic expectation of sex, they advise, re-watch an episode of the HBO series "Girls," where people hook up in all sorts of ways, sometimes awkward, sometimes awesome.

"Dirty talk and spanking seemed sexy in the latest Elle article, but when Adam and Hannah try it in real life, it turns into the very best kind of cringe TV," they write. "'Girls' is the clash between the ideal and the reality."

Norwegian medical students and sex educators Ellen Stokken Dahl and Nina Brochmann are the author's of "The Wonder Down Under." (Anne Valeur)

So how many times a week should you be having sex? And what kind of sex? There's no one right answer, the authors assert.

The more important questions remain: Are you getting enough? And if not, why not?

There can be plenty of reasons — a deep depression, a failing relationship — but Dahl and Brochmann quote Manhattan sex therapist Dr. Shirley Zussman.

She's described as "a little hunchbacked lady with full lips and sparkling eyes" who just marked her 103d birthday. Zussman's seen a number of unsatisfied clients and offers her own diagnosis: Too much work and not enough communication.

"The women who come to me are so tired that they'd rather look at those damn iPhones than set aside time for intimacy," Zussman declares. "We forget to touch each other and look each other in the eyes."

What about the sex itself? The book offers suggestions for positions, including the "coital alignment technique," or CAT, and cutesy cartoons to illustrate. Some incredibly practical, very Scandinavian advice, too: Wear a nice warm pair of socks to bed. The last thing you want is to be distracted, and what's more distracting than cold feet?

The actual position you choose is less important than that you both have fun, although the authors admit satisfaction can be harder for women to achieve than men. It seems unfair, as the female orgasm has been studied, even prized, for centuries.

It was once believed a woman couldn't become pregnant unless she had an orgasm.

Because heirs were terribly important to kings, that belief led to some bizarre royal decrees. In 1740, Austria's royal physician commanded that "the vulva of Her Most Holy Majesty should be titillated before intercourse."

The lords and ladies of the 18th century knew what they were doing, but then Sigmund Freud arrived to complicate things. There were different kinds of orgasms, he insisted, the clitoral and the vaginal; the first, he pronounced immature and the second, he maintained, required a man.

The authors admit there is no right answer to what's the best kind of sex — even if the "Girls" TV show "clashes between the ideal and the reality."

That was not only sexist but wrong, as any woman could have told him — particularly poor Princess Bonaparte, who incidentally, was one of his patients.

Also the anonymous — and no doubt, exhausted — winner of the 2009 Danish Masturbate-a-Thon, who reported having a record 222 Big O's during a single self-pleasuring session.

Need additional help to get you going?

Well, there was an artificial hormone, Melanotan. Nicknamed "the Barbie drug," it was originally developed as a self-tanning pill until researchers found out the side effects included decreased appetite and increased desire.

Actually, it sounds more like "the Playmate drug" — you, too, can be thin, tanned and horny — but other, more dangerous side effects drove it off the market. It was never approved for use in the U.S., although word is that Big Pharma went back to the lab to try again.

"The Wonder Down Under" concludes with several more serious chapters on STDs, gynecological problems and pregnancy. Their bullet points?

You should use two forms of birth control, and one needs to be a condom. It's not the best contraceptive, but it's the only one that prevents disease.

And infertility is less common than you think, although it becomes increasingly prevalent as women push past 40. Sure, Mick Jagger is still fathering kids in his 70s. "Life is unfair," the authors note.

Other tips? Peeing after sex is a good way to flush out your urethra, and avoid any pesky infections. Some morning-after pills are available over the counter. The book even provides a website where you can order one online, for $25 postpaid, if you'd like to plan ahead for such emergencies.

And whatever your position about abortion — performed since the beginning of time — outlawing the procedure won't end it.

Countries where abortions are illegal tend to have more of them, as those nations often also have less access to accurate sex ed.

Which goes to the prime point of "The Wonder Down Under" — knowledge is power. And maybe it starts once we stop being embarrassed.