Category Archives: Love

Well there are guys, men, males, boys, bastards… I call them lads. And there are friends, I call them the lads. There can be confusion regarding my definition because sometimes one of the lads turns out not to be, he turns out to be just another guy. Sometimes a lad can join the group of the lads.

It’s nothing official though, but it is quite select. The group varies depending on who you are with. The lads are the guys I’ll call up to ask if they’r up for a camping trip. Lads are guys who’ll call me up asking if I want to sleep in their tents.

The lads are all males. That would have been inherently suggested in the label, but I am friends with girls too, and go camping with them. It’s just that I often get on better with guys as they’re not all drama drama, and they’re better for the craic.

Btw, if you’re not Irish and you don’t know what “the craic” is, damnit don’t ask me for I haven’t a clue. As some one on one of the sites I looked at trying to find a definition for it said “You can’t define it. It’s just something which happens. It’s organic. It depends on what is happening, where you are and who’s there.” http://www.ireland-fun-facts.com/craic.html It’s probably best you googled it yourself and got an idea of what it was from the many, many descriptions.

Anyway, I was inspired by a post of Freshest15’s (go here to read it) to think about my standards with guys. The truth is, really, I used to be a slut. That’s bluntly put, but then I was an idiot. I regret it now because even though I (like to think I) have changed, people don’t respect that. I wasn’t a slut except out of ignorance and stupidity, and overindulgence in relation to the consumption of alcohol and… Such. And they were always so surprised when I said I was a virgin. So fucking surprised.

I was pretty naive, for a slut. The thing is, I would fall for anything. I suppose I believed in the general “goodness” of everyone. If a lad told me he was cold and put his hands on my waist, inside my top, I would remind him that it was just because he was cold, and that was all. And then they would offer me a drink, or two or three. It’s amazing how generous people are, when they want something, isn’t it?

They will try to lure you away from people, not in a rapist sort of way, just.. Well yeah sort of, except I would be too drunk or too worried about what/whoever it was we had to “go and find” and then… Woop, they’re all over me. Because they like their privacy, they do. And I didn’t see, didn’t see for so long that when a guy asks you to go somewhere alone with him, it’s not an innocent request.

This one time, this guy was being actually ridiculous… They never actually want to force you to do anything of course, but as long as they can act like they’re joking then they wont feel bad. He would pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, and carry me outside… Literally. And we were laughing so no one minded. But then I would hit him till he let me go, go in, make a friend sit by me, and he would push in between us. When it became clear I wasn’t going to “go outside for a walk” he started trying to get me under a pillow, to make out. Literally. A fucking pillow. He held it over his face, and tried to convince me to listen to something he had to tell me, under there. Yeah fucking right.

I’ve also learnt that if I guy says he’s cold, let him stay that way. His concept of “warming up” isn’t as go-sit-by-the-campfire as yours.

What got me out of being a slut, really, was not drinking for a while. After the whole C and I debacle, I gave up drinking because I never would have cheated if I hadn’t been drunk. And I guess that made me open my eyes a bit as lads would still hit on me, thinking I was drunk, and I would just see with a clear mind how sleazy they were, how much I didn’t want to be there, how absolutely un-genuine their words were. So now even when I’m off my head, I try to think about it as if I was sober. I do like to have fun, of course, and it can be fun to flirt and mess around, but I get so sick of it sometimes.

Obviously, all that is stuff that one of the lads would never do. The lads might give me a few bruises, might pull some practical jokes on me, might tease me but shit. That’s so much more fun than fending off some slimy guy all night. The lads are my actual mates I guess, and I love them, so I do. It can be so much of a relief to get away from girly drama and male flirting and all that shit and just chill out.

Hope all of you have some people like that, I have so much love and respect for them.

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It’s really quite frustrating, how selfish people are. I don’t have a particular example in mind, I just find it hard to think about.We have evolved to be this way, I guess.

People who sacrificed their own selves or needs for others were not helped by those who helped themselves. Thus, people who helped others got no support, while people who looked after themselves first got twice the everything. Which means they had a better chance at surviving and reproducing etceteraaa… We are what resulted. Real altruism doesn’t seem to exist.

I’m not trying to be depressing but it just seems a bit crappy, I wish people would think about others more… I’m not saying that I am an amazing example of that but I think it’s something we could all work on: making other people happy before ourselves. Imagine if everyone helped everyone over themselves.

Share the..Everything. Everything good 🙂

Think of it: You’re the only person working for your own gain, in competition with those around you. Now think of this: Everyone is working for everyone else’s gain, thus you are helped by everyone you meet, and you help everyone you meet.

It’s a ridiculous idea of course, there are people who want power, there always are. I see this desire for power as the root of all our problems. Whether it’s power over money, resources, or people, it can be linked with all the wrong done in this world.

It just struck me, while I was in bed the other night, how stupid I was being: feeling upset over some petty thing in my life that went wrong… While there are people out there DYING because they haven’t got enough to eat. Food- it’s something I assume will be available for me whenever I want it. I don’t even assume it really, I hardly think about it. It’s just there, and I get annoyed if my mother takes too long making it. This just seemed to me to be ludicrous because while I’m whining at her to hurry up, there are people who haven’t eaten in far longer than me, there are little children dying of starvation. Here I am, complaining about putting on weight because I eat too much crap. I should appreciate it more.

Dead Kennedys are goood btw 🙂

It seems so stupid, so retarded and wrong, that these problems exist after having been around for so long. There’s all this fighting and war and conflict, and there are babies without clean water to drink. Shouldn’t we sort out our priorities? I tried writing a list of 100 things to accomplish by this time next year and I added “Donate to a charity” today. I keep thinking to myself “But it’s not like I’m going to be able to give much, I’m broke enough anyway, it wont make a difference”, but if enough people do the same then it will make a difference. So you should do something too! Love other people more than your own needs 🙂

Imagine if all the money spent on cigarettes was spent on helping others instead of harming ourselves. Imagine if all the money that teenagers like me spend getting off our heads on the weekend was donated to a good cause. Instead of complaining about homework and parents and exams we should be appreciating our education and all that we have. Damnit my generation is full of idiots 🙂

As is the rest of the world. Power is chosen over life, over the life of a stranger, or a million strangers. Imagine if that could be changed.

Imagine if we could have peace and an end to all this death and hunger and just all be happy.

As I’m sure I’ve said, “imagine” is a big part of my life.

But just… Imagine it.

Giving the Good Day Fish to people could help? Well, with the sharing of happiness maybe..

So I know that smells bring back memories, and listening to the same music that you were listening to at some other point in time can evoke the same feelings you had back then… But, situations?

I guess it’s more like some sort of hybrid déja vu. Well that’s not the word I’m looking for but my mind isn’t functioning correctly it would seem.

Because today, after school, I hung out with C, my ex, and it was just…Weird. At the very start of our relationship and before it when we were just becoming friends, we would meet up and chill out at the library. I think I said here that we hung out a few times since we broke up, but if not, we have and it was always at his house. But today he cycled out on his new little BMX and we just did what we used to do. He did tricks and stuff, ramping off the steps, pretty cool 🙂 Wish I could do that sort of thing.. And we sat and messed round and talked and laughed and it was weird because it was so close to what it used to be, I could almost reach over and kiss him. Almost. Of course I didn’t- that’s not what we are- but it was frustratingly tempting for a while there.

After he left I went to my book club, just like I used to. I got a lift home with a librarian, just like I used to.

It was as I waited outside in the cold that I noticed the similarity with a multitude of nights which would have been identical to it; back then at the start we had a whole plethora of possibilities ahead of us, and now everything is in the past.

But something about everything: the scent of the cold air and the feel of it on my skin, the way it was already dark and I was getting that same lift, it was all the same. And for a small moment I could almost close my eyes and believe that none of the last year had happened. If I tried hard enough I could pretend this was just the beginning of something great, something magnificent. But dreams don’t last, and the knowledge that I can’t go back and start all over again brings with it the feeling of waking up from a particularly beautiful dream and realizing it was all a fantasy and it’s over now.