October 5th technically…

So I just read a blog post that I wrote over year ago (which I deleted) and OMG have I changed so much in just that short amount of time. Here we go…

The past year is probably the worst/craziest/best year that I have ever experienced. From the start of about last year is when it all went began..the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the hurting but most of all just not knowing where, who, or what I wanted. I lived for so long trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be and why, I couldn’t even tell you. It was like a voice in my head was constantly whispering you’re not good enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not fun enough. I had great family and friends but it was just like a whole part of me was missing. I was so caught up in what everyone else was doing and what they thought of me that I lost track of myself. Sure, it was easy to put up a front but behind the smiles and laughter was a girl who was breaking inside. I don’t think I have ever felt as bad as I had during that time. This continued over months and before I knew it I had turned into the worst possible version of myself. I’m sure people will read this and not believe it and wonder why I didn’t talk about it to anyone but its just not that simple. Yes there were many times I loved who I was and those I was with because they brought out the best in me but the sadness that I still felt was unbearable. Those that I could talk to about my feelings still didn’t know the whole story or may have thought that they did but so many bits and pieces were still hiding. I think the worst of it all was that I didn’t even have to be by myself when I felt this way but surrounded by a sea of people and still felt all alone. And yes I just quoted Hilary Duff from A Cinderella Story in case you were wondering.

I never spoke of this before now because I was scared, embarrassed, and ashamed to even talk about it let alone write about it and then put in on social media. So my reasons for bringing this up now is because I have FINALLY realized and accepted that if I don’t love who I am I will never enjoy life or be happy. This summer I did some major reflecting on myself and changed the things I didn’t like. As cliche as this all sounds it took me years to realize finally accept who I am. I am not ashamed anymore of what I went through because it made me who I am right now I just wish it hadn’t taken so long. I still hear that little voice in my head but instead of the negative thoughts it’s saying believe in yourself and love yourself always. I don’t want anyone to go through difficult times alone because we all need someone even if that someone is your dog it’s still someone there to listen. 🙂