~ taking it all back

existential crisis

maybe its the fact that I’ve been walking, breathing, waking, living under a proverbial storm cloud for quite some time now.

maybe it’s because it feels like I’m always at the verge of an explosion, and it takes everything I have to stop myself, til i have nothing left, atleast that’s how it feels sometimes.

The problem is, i can’t be fuckin selfish.

I can’t. I tried, it doesn’t work. I’m wired to put everyone else before me and biting the bullet. no this is not a glorified self gratification post.

this is not a “wheeee look at me and how connected I am to the universe” thing.

i just suck at making decisions based on what’s good for me and me alone.

I can sit here and type out expletives, but I’m editing myself because maybe people i love will get to read this and be hurt by all the rage pouring out. shit they might even think it’s their fault.

Thing is, I thought i’d be okay. with all this, parenting duties, hubby duties and coaching basketball. but as pointed out, I’m so much more, so fuckin more than that. and it irks me, and it bugs me and it hurts me. it eats at what’s left of my soul and i’d love to just start punching walls and screaming at the fuckin mirror, but i can’t. my son is sleeping.

I’ve been out of the corporate world for almost 6 years now, that’s eons. i dont even know where to start, how to start fuck.. what to start.

It’s hard looking for a corporate job in a country whose main industry is not yours. harder still if the language barrier is so goddamn high that learning one language to try to get a foot thru the door ain’t enough, coz you gotta learn three.

I admit that i’ve been looked down on quite a lot, dismissed and disregarded often too. i don’t wanna think It’s because of my nationality, maybe because they don’t see me in a suit and tie and automatically assume I’m just an ex jock coaching basketball coz heck, what else could i be?

I used to pride myself at being one of the best at what I did, all humility be damned.