Douchebag 101: The Guy Who Makes Everything Your Fault #atwys

Comment: Hi Moxie and world,I’m at the end of my tether. I’ve been single for almost 5 years having had my heart broken all that time ago by a guy I thought was the love of my life. One of the reasons I think I’ve been single since then is because no guy has come close to appreciating me or treating me as well as he did.Anyway, I’m not really a one night stand type of gal so any “romances” in the last 5 year have been pretty short lived. Then last month a guy from my gym who I’ve known and flirted with over the last two years finally asked me out. He’s teased me with this before but all credit to him he finally took me out and we had a great time. We kissed and I felt chemistry like I haven’t before (possibly not even with the ex). He proved to be pretty keen…he bought me jewellery the next day. But there was no second date. He must have some issues because every conversation since has been one of lies and emotional manipulation. Examples: “You’ve got your dates wrong, it’s tomorrow we’re going out” (when I had written proof of the agreed date). Or “Don’t you dare bail on plans with me” when he was the one who didn’t show up for the date. Or a personal favourite…after I let him have it in a text argument and he told me never to contact him again, “fancy a drink later, we can talk.” Then when I was hesitant, he kept saying “ring me please.” We agreed to meet in person and I had to let him know when. Then I get a message saying “let me know” and when I replied saying “x date and time” he said “there’s no need to talk. We’re not friends. Let’s leave it like that.” THAT HAPPENED IN THE SPACE OF 7 MINUTES. The problem I have is twofold…One I still see this guy at the gym and even when I don’t I can’t stop myself from checking up on what he’s been up to online. I’m holding onto that chemistry I felt because I haven’t felt something like that in so long. I don’t know how to get him out of my head? Secondly, am I going to be single forever? Because it sure feels that way. Thoughts?Age: 26City: BirminghamState: Birmingham

You’ve pretty much answered your own question as to why you can’t get this guy out of your head. Your brief interactions with him provided a connection you haven’t had in a very long time, and so now you’re clinging to it out of fear it will never happen again.

Okay. So, we’ve established why you’re having a hard time washing this guy right out of your hair. Moving on..

You’re right that this guy is attempting to gaslight you into thinking the problem is you. He’s right to some point. Their is something wrong with you that you continue to engage this guy instead of immediately recognizing that he’s a douche and walking away. Your reaction isn’t an uncommon one, but it is indicative of deeper issues.

I’m going to provide you with a little spoiler. You will never figure this guy out, and there will never be any kind of resolution to this. This guy loves the attention you’re providing for him. Loves it. I’m sure he’d LOVE to meet up with you “to talk” so that you can spend 45 minutes deconstructing him. I bet he’d get the biggest kick if he knew you were visiting his social media profiles. This guy gets off on the idea that he consumes your thoughts.

I’ve been where you are. I’ve dealt with the mock outrage and disingenuous promises. I know what it’s like to have someone go from hot to cold to hot again. No matter how eloquent you are, you will never get him to understand why his behavior hurt you. Never ever. Ever. He’s too caught up in himself and how he’s being perceived to be able to be objective or empathetic.

Will you be alone for the rest of your life? Oh, Jesus Christ, stop it. If you hang on to this loser then, yeah, you’ll probably struggle. But if you alter your gym schedule and block his social media sites so you can’t view them (that’s a thing) and so he can’t view yours, you probably won’t. It’s hard to wean yourself off that stuff, but it can be done. You’re only hurting yourself by pressing that bruise. Been there, done that. Try to occupy yourself with other things. Pretty soon you will check in less and less.

But I will warn you…this guy will return in some way. He might even offer an apology. And you might buy it, only to have him smack you down once more. This guy doesn’t want there to be true closure. He wants this to stay open ended because it gives him an opportunity to feel like some victim and provides him with the opportunity to talk about himself.

Here’s what you have to remember…the reason why people behave like this is because they’re lives are pretty sad and empty. They need to ego stroke and the drama. They see your dislike of them as some kind of personal challenge. They don’t care why you don’t like them, or whether or not they were unkind to you. They just need to convert you so they can chalk up another win. It’s what makes them feel important because they have nothing else going on in their shitty lives. They’re unsuccessful and bored. This guy will find some other inexperienced woman who thrives off melodrama and he’ll pull the same schtick on her until finally he finds one inexperienced and immature enough to buy into it long term. Then they’ll get married and live miserably ever after.

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“But I will warn you…this guy will return in some way. He might even offer an apology. And you might buy it, only to have him smack you down once more.”

Yup! I met a pain in the ass like this when I was 24 that was like this and it took me until I was 29 (*holds up sign reading “Fiona, don’t waste your time like I did!” in red flashing lights*) to realize that he didn’t give a flying f*ck about me and just wanted the drama/confirmation that someone would take him back no matter how bad the behavior/proof that he was slick enough to snow a chick. I’ll be 33 in a few weeks and occasionally I will STILL get texts from this fool. I literally haven’t responded to a text from him in nearly 4 years and, I’m assuming this is happening when he’s bored/feeling insecure/out of options, he’d still toy with me if I gave him the chance.

Trust me, Fiona, this guy isn’t Last Chance Saloon and, even if he was (which, again, he is NOT) you still wouldn’t want him.

“Your brief interactions with him provided a connection you haven’t had in a very long time, and so now you’re clinging to it out of fear it will never happen again.”

This

I went through something similar last year after ending a five year relationship.

Why you’ve been single for five years is neither here nor there.
What you must do is what Moxie said and make a conscious effort to distance yourself from this guy. Don’t expect that it will be easy and there may be a few more slip ups along the way. Remember, this guys is bad news and it’s for your own good to steer clear of him.

Moxie and everyone is so right. Do whatever you need to do to leave this guy alone- you don’t want to get used to crazy.
And put a different spin on the chemistry you felt- maybe it was a sign that you are really ready to let your 5 years ago ex go, not that gym guy is supposed to be the one. He’s served his purpose- let him go.

Tinker: “And put a different spin on the chemistry you felt- maybe it was a sign that you are really ready to let your 5 years ago ex go, not that gym guy is supposed to be the one. He’s served his purpose- let him go.”

Tinker, this sooo resonates with me. I’ve had a history of pining for an inordinate length of time over long time lovers, only to eventually become infatuated with someone who was flakey and objectively a bad match.

In hindsight, I look at these intense infatuations as “wake up calls”. My subconscious was telling me, “you’ve processed enough now, you are ready for someone new.” The smitten-ness with a flakey guy was the equivalent of getting back on a bicycle with training wheels. Wobbly. Short term. But, proved to me I was open to finding someone to love again.

Fiona, I think this man is your training wheels. Your “transitional person”. Look at it that way and I think your self confidence will rise for the love that comes next.

Exactly. I co-sign with everyone above. And do not forget that a true connection with a guy will incorporate a balanced approach, respect for you and personal boundaries, and general honesty / reliability. A true connection takes time to develop.

Remember this: we all enjoy a trip to Six Flags or Magic Mountain but no one actually wants to live there. Just act as if this guy never happened and live your life. Cut him off, and block him on your phone also (there is many an app for that). I wish you well.

One of my colleagues was the female version of this guy. Strangely, she was really a wonderful person to be friends with, but a nightmare to date. To make a long story short, the girl was a gorgeous, fun, young dancer who aggressively pursued men who were easy to manipulate and emotionally battered (such as our colleague was in the tail end of a nasty divorce). Everything was great for a month or two, then she would get bored. She would start escallating fights, throwing other men in his face, and eventually dump him. As soon as she heard he was moving on, she would immediately suck him back in while playing the victim, “I only dated other men, he slept with that woman!” They were inseparable for a few weeks, then she was bored again. Rinse. Repeat.

A mutual friend once asked her why she was doing this to a guy who was ALREADY an emotional train wreck from his recent divorce. She thought about it and sincerely responded, “I don’t know why I do it”.

LW, Of course you’ll meet someone else, but you arent ready yet. If you were ready, a guy who verbally “punches you in the face” would be a turn off, not a turn on.

If you want to better understand why this guy is such an incredible turn on, read about the study done by B. F. Skinner who’s findings are now termed the “variable-ratio schedule”. Its very addictive.

Actually, I’d go a bit farther. This doesn’t sound to me like just a guy who gets off on going hot-and-cold or your garden variety douchenozzle. He sounds borderline psychotic. The only thing to do is to cut him off, do not engage in any way. If that escalates his behavior, take legal action. Seriously. To me it’s the giving her jewelry the day after the first date. Who does that?

But I’m more interested in Fiona’s reaction and her lament about being “single forever.” It’s understandable in part; when she was quite young, she had an intense relationship that didn’t work out and no man she’s met since has measured up to that. Or she’s just not been ready.

But after a single date with some hot kissing, she’s smitten. Such that she’s willing to put up with his massively shitty behavior. Yet, she says that previous, no other man has “come close to appreciating me or treating me as well” as the first boyfriend did.

That’s a fairly serious disconnect: for 5 years men haven’t appreciated her or treated her well enough, but douchecanoe guy from the gym shits all over her and she’s obsessed, all on the basis of one date and a snogging session.

I’d almost say it’s a classic “loves the bad-boy, disdains the nice guy” scenario, but that doesn’t quite track in this case. It seems that she’s been despondent over being single and jumped at the first sign of “chemistry.”

My verdict is Fiona’s picker is broken, or at least sitting on the wrong setting. She’s been comparing men she’s been dating to the first lost love, letting her idealized memory of the man who broke her heart get in the way of seeing what’s in front of her. She might want to reconsider some of the types of guys who appreciate her and treat her well, even if not to the romanticized standard of the lost lover of her youth.

At 26, she still has time. Hopefully this non-relationship with the gym-rat doucherocket will be a wake-up call, a moment of clarity, that leads her to move on to something better…

I’m curious if she was so smitten with “douchecanoe” (lolol) before he seemingly went off his meds? Had this guy behaved “normally” and just taken her on a few nice dates, would Fiona be so hot and bothered?

No need to add to the litany about this guy being nuts, but you already know this quite well Fiona. The story you tell is strange, two years, jewelry after first date, no real second date. The question I ask, is why get so worked over someone you don’t have a real relationship with, just the odd date?

I think you know the answer to that Fiona. You have got to fix yourself. Yes this guy is psychotic, but something has to be amiss with you to be this fed up, over a non relationship with someone this crazy.

WOW thanks for all the replies. Feel like I’ve got the support of a little virtual group of friends.

I agree with everything that has been said. I can’t even explain why I’ve felt such an attachment to him. I know it’s a self-esteem issue, something I’ve been trying to rectify for years. I think the last break-up really hit me hard. I’d always been a bit of a cocky shit…popular girl who flirt with the boys then I found a guy who was besotted with me (and I was with him too, at the beginning) but then I did start to walk over him, I admit that and he obviously had enough, ended things and said some horrible stuff…that I didn’t deserve to find anyone, I didn’t deserve love…I guess that’s stayed with me.

So I know what the problem is but fixing it is so much easier said than done. If anyone has any tips on how to fix that I’d really appreciate it…I think douchebag 102 might send me over the edge.

Actually, Fiona, there is something you can do to “fix the problem” but you’re right, it’s not easy.

The details are a fairly standard scenario: At, what, 21?, you were the attractive popular girl that could pull guys without a lot of effort and you used that. And then you met a guy who was “besotted”–in that he treated you well and appreciated you–and you lost attraction for him and used him. It sounds like he wised up, found his balls, and bailed, leaving some butt-hurt hard truths in his wake.

Not knowing what really happened, I’m going to read between the lines. There was a real connection with the heart-break guy but he over-did it a bit and you weren’t ready to settle down. He left shooting rhetorical darts that hit home. You realize you fucked up a good thing and haven’t gotten beyond that.

But, to quote the most awful movie song and I genuinely hate myself for saying this (not to worry, a nice glass of whiskey will cure my self-hatred), but, let it go. Let it go. You were 21 then. You’re not now. Those guys you’ve been dating that haven’t measured up to the original lost love? Those are the guys that you should be concentrating on.

Here’s an exercise that might help. Instead of measuring those guys based on the idealized lost love, each time you meet or date one of those guys–and on every meeting or date–look for and find one good quality, one attractive quality in them. That doesn’t mean you should ignore obvious faults, but that you shouldn’t go looking for reasons to reject him. Instead, look for reasons to accept him. The flaws will be obvious, but the good qualities are often overshadowed by expectations and comparisons to the past. Get beyond them. That alone will vastly help weeding out the douchebros and may, just possibly, open you to finding a quality man who will make you both hot-and-bothered and genuinely happy.