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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Excuse Me, I'll Have the Half-Navigator Please

I was driving in the city the other day, and I drove past a Lincoln Mark LT, which, if you don't know, is Lincoln's pickup truck. Yes, Lincoln makes a pickup truck.

This could be the dumbest vehicle ever produced. Lincoln, for better or worse, is a luxury brand. Luxury car brands should not make pickup trucks. Seriously, though, who is their target market?

Aside from junk collectors, people in the city don't drive pickups trucks, mainly because there isn't enough room, the gas mileage is subpar, people who live in apartments don't usually have a need to haul dirt or piles of 2x4s, and no one wants to constantly be asked "why the hell do you drive a pickup in the city?" Those who do drive trucks drive SUVs, as those apparently are seen as more of a status symbol and are usually a little smaller than pickups. Also, your groceries aren't at risk of getting wet or shit on by birds when they're in the back of your SUV.

The only suburbanites who drive pickups are (1) people who work in a job requiring them to haul stuff or (2) idiots.

Farmers sure as shit aren't going to be trading in their pickups of choice for this monstrosity. I've never met a farmer whose said, "GMYH, can I be frank? My F-250 does everything thing I could ask it to do when I'm hauling feed bags, bales of hay, and dead livestock around my hundreds of acres, but it's just not sexy or expensive enough for my tastes. I want to be seen as more of a dandy." If any farmer drove this, he'd get laughed out of the Farm & Fleet before he could hear the deriding cheers of "There goes Freddy the foppish farmer in his fancy nancy-boy truck." I assume that's how other farmers talk.

In sum, I think the only type of person who would purchase a Lincoln Mark LT is someone who wants to say, "Hey world, look at how much money I can piss away on a useless motor vehicle. No, seriously, look. It has leather seats and everything. Why won't you look at me?!"