Saturday, August 16, 2008

McCain: Maverick (if "maverick" means "sack of shit")

This is part one of a two (or more?) part series examining the 2008 U.S. presidential candidates and why they are terrible.

John McCain, Republican

If I said there was a young black man and an old white guy and I asked you which of them was more likely to have spent over five years in prison, you would probably pick the black guy. Well you racist jackass, John McCain is the one that spent nearly six years as a prisoner of war. He was given the opportunity to leave his captors, but he chose to stick around with his fellow P.O.W.s instead of saving at least one person (himself). While in prison, he made anti-American propaganda videos for the enemy, and while that could have been excused given the circumstances, when you consider the fact that McCain thinks torture was okay, he is most definitely on the hook for his treasonous actions.

When he eventually returned to the United States, he hooked up with an heiress to a beer company, left his first wife, and married the wealthy chick he was now fucking. Marrying into money is similar to being born into money, but with the added benefit of making it look like you earned your place in the world. Unfortunately for McCain, as president he can't go and marry the United States to the United Arab Emirates.

McCain has comfortably surrounded himself with people as corrupt and self-serving as he is. He made Phil Gramm his chief economic advisor and Randy Scheunemann his chief foreign policy advisor. Gramm attributes America's economic problems to whining, while Scheunemann is bought and paid for by a foreign government.

In case it isn't clear, McCain is clueless both on economics and foreign policy, not to mention various other issues that will have to be ignored due to space and time constraints. Although he is rich, McCain still collects a disability pension from the navy, although he never misses an opportunity to stick it to other veterans. The Lettuce Baron also has disdain for the working man, having infamously told union workers that they didn't have the balls to do real work. Abroad, McCain prefers to keep the United States in Iraq until either all of our military has been killed or every Iraqi citizen has been blown up. Apparently, McCain was too busy getting bamboo chutes up his dick hole during a futile and costly war to see what a waste it is to stay involved in a futile and costly war.

The most consistently mischaracterized politician in the country, even McCain's most nakedly self-serving machinations are universally hailed as the bold moves of an independent maverick who really, really, like, cares, man. By virtue of his five-year stay at the Hanoi Hilton and a completely ineffectual campaign finance reform bill (which was itself only PR damage control for his long-forgotten role in the Keating Five), McCain has so successfully snowed America that he could go around kicking puppies all day and he'd be applauded for his authenticity. In reality, McCain is as phony as slimeballs come, having reversed his positions on Roe v. Wade, Bush's tax cuts, the gay marriage amendment and Jerry Falwell in the last year alone, while the mainstream press looked away and whistled nonchalantly. Keeps changing the number of additional troops he thinks should be sent to Iraq, in hopes of extending the disaster beyond the next presidential election, so his decorated veteran status will still be relevant.