You'll get no change out of these two. On second thoughts ...

Continuing our series of exchanges between two pre-eminent figures on the international scene, we are delighted to host a discussion between Barack Obama and David Cameron.

David Cameron: Mr Presumed President, it's delightful to meet you at last.

Barack Obama: I know it is. As I travel this great world of ours, from the high plains of Montana to the deepest fjords of Denmark, from the small villages struggling to buy a first dishwasher in southern Spain to the magnificent rolling autobahns of Germany, I'm met with a humbling sense of how delighted people are to meet me and to share in my simple story of a simple, humble man who can bring change to my country and to the world and to the rest of history forever.

Cameron: Yes and I can identify with that humbling humility, too. You see, I also share your burden of having the hopes and dreams of a nation stuck on his shoulders. I, too, travel the great land I call my country and as I cross the vast central plains of Shropshire and Wiltshire, from the deep, rolling streets of Twickenham to the vistas of uncontrolled housing schemes in Sunderland, I also hear the call of a sick nation praying for medicinal change.

Obama: That's great.

Cameron: I know. It feels good. But the fundamental question we both have to address is: what should we actually do once we get into office?

Obama: Exactly. You know, I come from a background that is magnificent testimony to this great nation of mine. A child of a Kenyan father and a mother from Kansas, we can all be proud of the path I've trodden to come through to this, the greatest moment in the history of civilisation when I eventually take the oath of office.

Cameron: Yes and similarly I too am from an exciting mongrel mix of cultures and values. Born of a mother from Kent and with a friend from Hull, I share and sniff the sense of wounded anger that blights this broken society I come from. So, as I say, what should we do about it?

Obama: Listen to the deep well of yearning within the hearts of the people. For example, what does your friend in Hull think you should do?

Cameron: Well, he was born in Hull, but he doesn't live there any more. I think he owns some of it, though. But what I really want to know is: what would you do?

Obama: You're right to want to know what I would do. Wanting is a noble aspiration. Of all the aspirations, wanting is the most yearnest. I come from a vast chord of yearning that stretches ...

Cameron: In the name of Christ, just tell me something you'll do! I'm desperate here.

Obama: Sure. I will do change.

Cameron: Do change?

Obama: Change.

Cameron: Change?

Obama: Change.

Fifty thousand people: Change!

Cameron: Who let them in?

Obama: (much louder now, on a constantly rising podium that has behind it a statue of five eagles rescuing a small child from a wolf) Change is what I will do to make that wonderful difference between us being elected, which will be good for everybody, and being not elected, which will cause so much misery and confusion for generations to come and their grandchildren.

Cameron: OK. Well, I'm all for change, as you can imagine. For example, take knife crime - we have a real problem with that in this country. And I'm trying to change people's attitudes towards the solution, asking if maybe we should spend some time trying to understand the social factors that prompt people to do it. Now that sort of compassionate talk from an ostensibly right-wing politician is different, I think.

Obama: Precisely. Change it. I'm from a nation of bitter, small-town people who cling to guns or religion to explain away their frustrations and I love and admire very one of them, but I too want to understand them, so I change.

Cameron: So, for example, you might argue for gun control or something?

Obama: No. I've changed my mind on that.

Cameron: More compassionate prison sentencing?

Obama: No. I've now decided murdering bastards should be executed.

Cameron: Right. So where's the change?

Obama: Well, I've changed my mind. And have been brave enough to do it very publicly. In order to understand my bitter public, I have changed myself into one of them. I have the audacity to change.

(Screams and roars of approval from the audience and the press.)

Cameron: Right, so my hug-a-hoodie stuff ...?

Obama: Needs an injection of some real change.

Cameron: So I should say something like ... I come from a nation overrun with hoodies. These hoodies have problems but, frankly, they're problems of their own making ...

Fifty thousand people: Change!

Cameron: ... and they should be imprisoned along with their parents, who probably eat too much pastry and then blame doctors for not stopping them turning fat.

A hundred thousand people in a row of 15 stadiums: Change!

Cameron: This great nation of ours is a nation of stabbing, miserable, obese, surly, ungrateful, selfish, scrounging, greedy egotists, whom I admire and who one day I fervently hope will elect me as their leader. I am not Gordon Brown.

(A million people faint in admiration.)

Obama: Unbelievable. I'd vote for you.

(Sixteen thousand people rush to the front and lift David Cameron above their fat, surly, thankless shoulders and march him off to their homes, where they pass him round and toy with him.)

Obama: (thinking the microphones have been switched off) This country's weird. Let's get the hell out.