Tuesday, September 5, 2017

In the realm
of cult cinema, the Italians have contributed many of the best films,
from Fulci and Argento to Corbucci and Leone. As a lover of
so-bad-its-good cinema, I am equally grateful for all the terrible
films the Italians have given us. For every stylish bit of class like
Suspiria, there is a
wonderful piece of trash like Yor, the Hunter
from the Future. Perhaps the most famous
Italian schlock is Troll 2,
which found a second life thanks to midnight shows, RiffTrax, and the
fantastic documentary Best Worst Movie.

I do love
Troll 2, with its
rubbery costumes and absurd dialogue, but there is another Italian
production that out-crazies it in every way, only hardly anyone has
seen it. That film is Plankton,
also known as Creatures from the Abyss,
or Creature Dagli Abissi.
It was released in 1994 but feels distinctly 80s thanks to its low
budget and a sweet synth score. Directed by Alvaro Passeri, a
legendary sculptor and FX artist, this film has everything I love
about bad movies combined with some quality creature effects and
surprising ingenuity.

Plankton
begins like many horror movies - with five young people doing
something stupid. All the archetypes are there: the hero; the good
girl; the bimbo; the hysterical sister; and the sex-crazed joker.
This is just the first of many times it lifts from The
Evil Dead. So these five idiots take a
motorboat out to the middle of the ocean without gasoline and get
stranded. They come across an abandoned research vessel and, despite
the creepy laboratory full of dead fish, decide it is a nice place to
settle down for the night. They also don't see a problem eating the
fish they find on-board which, needless to say, does not end well for
them. Mike the "hero" (who is actually a condescending
asshole) does some research in the lab, while Bobby (the heel) tries
relentlessly to get laid, and the ladies, well...mostly just take
their tops off and shower. There is a weirdly long conversation about
menstrual pain though. Does that pass the Bechdel test?

The first
great thing about this movie is how nonsensically weird the ship
itself is. For one thing, it looks more like a 70s pimp pad than an
oceanographic research vessel. Everything is decorated in pastel blue
and pink. There is a talking shower named Suzie that encourages you
to fondle yourself, and a flirty talking fish in the hallway called
"Cutie Time." There is a full bar, and the cabins all look
for ready for an impromptu orgy. One of the bedrooms for some reason
has a 6-foot-tall stuffed bear and a giant cock lamp that is turned
on by stroking, naturally.

The second
great thing about Plankton
is how ridiculously convoluted the menace is. We have prehistoric
carnivorous fish from the bottom of the sea, upon which the
scientists were conducting experiments. Then we learn that they are
sexually aggressive, can live out of water, and are gay. Yes, you
read that correctly. To quote the film, "In the absence of the
female, the fish are carnivorous and gay." Oh, and their
plankton food source has been contaminated with radioactive waste so
they are also mutants. And if humans eat the plankton, they get
cancer/turn into a mutant fish. And for some reason the horny shower
inexplicably tries to kill people, too. Hey screenwriter, JUST PICK
ONE!

The third
great thing is the dialogue. Some exchanges are so hilariously "wtf"
they would probably make Tommy Wiseau cringe. While looking at dead
fish preserved in jars, one girl says, "They frighten me. They
have an evil expression." Adding to that is the terrible
dubbing. Sometimes I wonder how much of the dialogue was originally
part of the film, and how much was the voice actors fucking around.
While reading a textbook on fish, Mike reads the animal's scientific
genus as "Kleptomania." Really? He continues that they have
"exceptionally developed genitalia in the erogenous zone."
Still, no line of dialogue can compare to the film's own Rosebud
moment when Mike asks, "Professor, how long have you been
fucking fish?" And the Professor's reply? "They were old
enough!"

The fourth
great thing about Plankton
is that it's not all bad! As crappy movies goes, it is quite colorful
and inventive. I actually think this film is somewhere between the
truly awful, like Troll 2,
and more deliberate schlock like Street Trash.
Some of the jokes are definitely intentional, and it's twistedly
clever at times, like when a woman gets raped by a fish creature and
births a load of caviar. The special effects range from laughably bad
digital composite shots, to old-school stop-motion, to great
full-blown creature FX. The film's bonkers nature is best on display
during a gross sex scene wherein the guy transforms into a fish
monster. As his body comes apart, the woman (eyes closed) continues
to enjoy the coitus, lapping up fish slime like it's...something
else. Between the bizarre-but-fantastic creature FX, the crudeness,
and the manic way the gore scenes are shot, it feels more akin to
early Peter Jackson than any Italian horror film - which is awesome,
as far as I'm concerned.

There is SO
much to unpack in this crazy movie but you just have to see it for
yourself. I try not to overuse the word "bonkers" but there
is no better word to describe this one. The whole film is so colorful
and bizarre that it often feels like a fever dream - but a really
funny one. The fact that Plankton
is not selling out midnight shows is downright criminal. Between the
hilariously stupid dialogue, outrageous FX, and general nuttiness,
this movie would absolutely bring the house down. When you have
watched as many corny movies as I have, you start to wonder if you
have seen all there is to see; so when I first saw Plankton,
I was relieved to know that there is still such gold out there in the
wild, just waiting to be discovered. So if you're craving Italian but
your tastes grow tired of giallo and spaghetti westerns...try the
fish!

Heather Seebach is a full-time movie nerd, on-again-off-again blogger, and travel nut with an unhealthy addiction to collecting Evil Dead things. You can find more of her ramblings on her site, Viewer Discretion Advised.