A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

His request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call
the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine
plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the
wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over
the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on
the hillsides.

"Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I
need to get some close up shots.'**

** The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is you're NOT my flight instructor?'

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.

After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of tinkling echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.

The Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash. He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once! He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower. But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry! He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail's pace. But again, the camera flashed. "Oh, well," he thought. "It must be broken." and drove home. A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seatbelt!

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water
mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you
Hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
Witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze
and the smell of fresh buttered corn

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was.'

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan, open the casket, and find the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they move towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning, then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

And why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playing cards.

One day they were playing card s when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

Sven and Ole were admiring the latest Victoria's Secret catalog when Sven noticed the price. "These girls are beautiful. And look at the prices!" Ole said with wide eyes, "You're right. They aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." Sven smiled and said, "Good idea! Order one and, if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I'll get me one, too." Three weeks later, Sven asked Ole, "Did you ever receive that girl you ordered from the Victoria's Secret catalog?" Ole replied, "No, but it won't be long now -- I got her clothes yesterday!"

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Please tell your friends to be careful.