How to piss off a Brit

A land of rolling green hills and tea parties, girls with tramp stamps vomiting on city streets on a Saturday night and hooded teens rolling through city centres blasting the latest Happy Hardcore mix on their more-than-likely stolen phones.

England has both, and is quite often a far cry in real life from how it’s portrayed in Hollywood, with producers who seem to think the land is populated with well-meaning yet simple country-folk, dastardly yet dashing criminal masterminds, and a humourless elite whose tendency to inbreed results in wealthy yet charmless individuals. Then again, any producer who’s seen Made in Chelsea could be forgiven for perpetuating that last stereotype.

Despite our differences, though, there are a few universal ways to piss off a Brit.

Tell us we don’t spell things properly.

“Why do you put a ‘u’ in there? There’s no ‘u’ in color,” comes the slow Southern drawl or the upper East Coast voice dripping with condescension. The American butchering of our fair native tongue has long been a sore point. Our neighbours across the ocean think it’s acceptable to remove the ‘h’ from ‘yoghurt’, change the letter ‘s’ to the letter ‘z’, and leave out half the letters from the word ‘doughnut’ whilst still spelling ‘dough’ the same.

It was our language first and, quite frankly, we don’t care for your excuses about language evolving and removing unnecessary vowels from words. The Canadians and Australians didn’t commit such heinous acts. Lazy spellers — yes, you, Americans — who then tell Brits, the people who cobbled together English, that they can’t spell words properly, piss Brits off.

Although we’ll probably just flash you a brief smile, no teeth, and then glare at you for the rest of the evening while mentally compiling a list of words you’ve decapitated. Honour, saviour, favourite, flavour…

Jump the queue.

A monstrous roar echoed through the courtyard of France’s most elaborate palaces, setting heads turning and voices murmuring. No, it wasn’t a victim of the guillotine, but rather my stepfather bellowing his disapproval at someone who cut the very long line to get into the Palace of Versailles. The queue jumper was berated by several other Brits before being forced out of the line to his rightful place — the back of the queue.

Brits joke that queueing is a national sport, and it really should be — it’d guarantee us a few extra golds at the Olympics, as nobody can queue quite like a Brit. Queueing is sacred, and anybody who dares try to disturb the order of the line will be met with icy stares and stern voices. Brits can generally let a lot of things slide when it comes to things we deem to be bad manners, but queue jumping is never one of them.

We don’t care that you’ve been waiting in line for 20 minutes and need to get back to the office or the baby you left in the car. If we’re in front of you, we’ve been waiting even longer for to send our letter / order our tuna mayonnaise sandwich / return the hideous shirt that our aunty gave us for our birthday.

Tell us you love English accents.

“Guys who have an English accent are so sexy!”

“Ohmygawd, I love how English people talk!”

“The English accent makes me melt.”

Stop. Right. There. What exactly do you mean by an English accent? Are you talking Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice? Alan Rickman when he plays, you know, the evil guy in that movie? Or did you somehow stumble into the dark abyss of television known as Geordie Shore? You see, there’s no such thing as an ‘English accent’, and there never will be, no matter how much you protest.

Go to Leeds, or Newcastle, or Liverpool, or Birmingham, or Plymouth, and see how many people who speak like Mr. Darcy you’ll find there. Describing an English accent is like describing an American accent — someone from Wisconsin sounds different from a Washingtonian, who, in turn, sounds nothing like a West Virginian.

The same is true of almost everywhere. People in northern Vietnam speak differently from those in southern Vietnam, and Koreans in Seoul speak very differently from the throaty tones of those in the southeast of the country, or the barely comprehensible blabber of those from the islands that lie between Korea and Japan.

Before you tell a Brit that you love English accents, stop and ask yourself: Does everyone in every region of your country speak the same? Unless you’re from the likes of Liechtenstein or Tuvalu, probably not. Be a bit more specific, and tell us if you love how the newsreader on the BBC is speaking, or if you wish it were one of the Arctic Monkeys talking with his gruff voice, cultivated on the streets of Sheffield.

Use archaic slang, yet not understand slang we actually use.

“Evening, guv’nor!” comes the cheery greeting, accompanied by a swinging arm gesture and what could possibly be interpreted as an attempt at a Cockney accent. A wholehearted attempt, but a major fail nonetheless. I look around to see if there is indeed a 19th-century chimney sweep standing behind me but, alas, no. The greeting is directed at me. I can’t disguise the weary sigh that comes at the end of my dreary, forced chortle.

Dozens, nay, hundreds, probably thousands of Brits have been subjected to such well-meaning yet horribly unfunny greetings or efforts at using British slang by those visiting our shores. Nobody says ‘jolly good’ anymore, ‘spiffing’ is only used in an ironic sense among friends, and no matter what Gretchen Wieners tries to tell you, ‘fetch’ is most definitely not “slang from England.”

What makes matters worse is that when we Brits try to use actual slang in conversations with foreigners, like ‘bollocks’ or ‘minging’, you have no idea what we’re talking about. And you have no idea why the word ‘fanny’ is so much funnier to us than it is to you. Watch a few episodes of The Inbetweeners and learn, before you attempt to seriously slip the phrase ‘righty-o then’ into the mix.

Tell us that our food is rubbish.

Sure, we might not have the culinary legacy of our neighbours in France or Spain, and we might have adopted another country’s creation as our national dish — thanks, India! — but British food is far from rubbish. This accusation especially stings when coming from a person who hasn’t been out of the tourist zone in central London, where cardboard fish and chips and overpriced cheese sandwiches seem to be the menu du jour.

Find a traditional carvery and wolf down a roast dinner. Go to an actual chippy and try the fish and chips, one where you eat out of a newspaper and not off of a plate. Try the apple crumble for dessert, and make sure it’s slathered in custard. And had a heavy night? Go for the full English breakfast. There’s no better cure.

Our food’s not rubbish. You’re rubbish for not making the effort to veer off the Piccadilly line when looking for somewhere to eat.

Assume all Brits are prim and proper.

“Brits are so prudish,” is an accusation I commonly hear being thrown around. Usually by Yanks who are, in my experience, far more Puritanical than the average Brit. Despite our often steely exteriors when you first meet us, we Brits are by no means prudish. We just take a while to warm up to you and won’t refer to someone we’ve only known for a week as our “new best friend.”

Here’s a newsflash: Downton Abbey isn’t a reflection of modern-day Britain. After knowing one for a while, if a Brit is as icy to you as Maggie Smith is to her co-stars, then it simply means we don’t like you very much. We’re just too polite to tell you we despise your company, so don’t call us prudish or standoffish when you clearly suffer from a personality defect. Make friends with a Brit and you’ll see a whole different side to the culture.

Call us prudish and that’s exactly how we’ll behave when you’re around. We’ll also sarcastically use some little-used slang from the last century to rub salt into the wound. You divvy.

Exactly! I heard the bad food thing again when I was in Belgrade recently, from a Taiwanese guy. When I quizzed him on where he’d been exactly? “Central London.” I convinced him that he needs to explore more than Leicester Square and Oxford Street to find good food.

Shaz Lake

I always thought British food was rubbish until my boyfriends family brought me for an English Sunday roast for my birthday at a lovely cottage pub in Oxfordshire. It was so delicious!

You know Amy, I was going to write something about tea, but then realised that almost every Brit I know loves it in some form or another. Assuming Brits love tea is a pretty accurate assumption. A non-tea-loving Brit is an anomaly.

Although assuming we all take high tea in the conservatory every afternoon? Now that’s a different matter.

Toni White

I’m the anomaly 😀

BelloPhil

I’m an anomaly to, never touch the stuff

Diamond

Never drink it

Ary Yogeswary

Hahaha! Exactly how I feel about people visiting (and afterwards, complaining about) my home country, Indonesia! I guess ignorance knows no boundary 😀

Wait, you mean all of Indonesia ISN’T a tropical beach where people wear flowers in their hair and try to avoid getting eaten by komodo dragons?! I kid, I kid 😉

ugandan

hahaha, thats better than mentioning i come from uganda, and then the gasp…oooh, idi amin!

lola

Tom, I adore you and apparently I offend you too. Because, on many occasions I confess that I love English accents. Whoops! I actually think I’m fascinated with them all…honest. But totally hear your argument!

You are forgiven on the condition that you cease doing so from now on. Or you can still do it, just don’t tell me that you do it 😉

Alyssa

I failed hard last night and said to someone…”I totally thought you were British!” and this woman was like…”Don’t say ‘British’ it makes you sound American…” Yes. There are many different and very distinct accents and dialects in Britain. I’m just going to blame it on the a-a-alcohol…

Excellently written – And as a Brit living in Australia, lots of this hits home!
Nice work!

Elizabeth

Haha, you really hit the nail on the head! But I take issue with one thing – “How to piss off a BRIT” and then you only reference the English? Probably not the best way to make friends with our Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish neighbours…

There’s a Scottish version already (or coming soon), I just worked with the title I was given. I’m sure there’ll be Welsh and Northern Irish ones to come as well – and none of them would ever refer to themselves as a Brit, unlike the English.

Francesco D’Arcangeli

I am about to worship You for the “accent” one, and the kitchen too…. English roasts, pastries, cakes and pies (and yes, I mean “pie” as in Steak and Kidney Pie) are AMAZING!
And I’m Italian, so my standards are high….

Hey, I didn’t choose the title, Matador gave it to me, hence my using ‘Brit’. Yes everything here is more specific to people solely from England, but for the purpose of not confusing the rest of the world, Brit may be handy. Try explaining the difference between the UK, Great Britain and the four constituting countries to someone not from these isles – best to simplify and generalise sometimes!

TheDude

I don’t really think I agree with your last sentence. I am “not from these isles” and when I arrived to the UK, I loved to learn the differences between them from the point of view of who lived here. I love the UK and I think the differences that are part of the whole that is the United Kingdom are fascinating. So don’t underestimate people “not from these isles” as you clearly underestimated your task to write this article. One thing I learnt about your island is that there is always room for improvement even if you are only working with the title that was given to you. It is a touchy subject and if you are “from these isles” I guess you should have known better.

Niki B-H

Londoner first. Then English. You won’t have to worry about the Scots soon. They can have their country back if they get their arses to the voting booths. The sooner the better. Stop ’em winging about battles that none of us were at coz IT WAS YEARS AGO and we weren’t born.

MisterDavid

Please please don’t ever say this again.

English people are English, Scottish people are Scottish, Welsh people are Welsh, Northern Irish are Northern Irish – all CAN call themselves ‘Brits’, and MANY often do.

Assuming that only English people call themselves Brits is something that pisses Brits off. Please refrain.

As I’ve written in other comments, I’m just working with the title that was given to me. Nothing I’ve written here is really specific to English people – it can be applied to anyone from the UK. I’m a Brit (from England) and would refer to anyone from any of the other three constituent countries that make up the UK as a Brit, too. I didn’t write anything specific to Welsh, Northern Irish, Scottish or English people as they’re all Brits…

Anyway, Matador have already published a ‘Scots’ one. There can definitely be a post that is specific to pissing off Welsh, English, and Northern Irish people, too. Seriously, calm down.

Diamond

Working with the title that was given to you – fair enough. Was typing UK too much effort?! Yeah England is much easier… I hope they add in the Scots one: how to piss off a Scot – say British then only/mainly reference England. Cheers.

Again, just working with the brief I was given. Sheesh, get over it already, the Scottish article exists and it likely won’t even be part of the UK for much longer anyway. At least, I hope not…

YouFail

Well you WERENT working with the brief you were given, were you. You fell short by not encompassing the rest of the UK. Or by titling the article wrong. “Get over it already” really underlines the ignorance you displayed in the article.

Not made o’money

Ways to piss off a Northern Irishman: Suggest that murder is perhaps immoral and the mark of an inferior.

Spanner1960

I am English and NEVER refer to myself as a Brit in case some idiot foreigner manages to mistake me for one of my inferior cousins.

gingerlycolors

I am just watching the Simpsons right now and Marge Simpson has just pissed me off by saying that we drive on the wrong side of the road in England! I thought that the Americans and Europeans did that!

Has A Tache Crichton

I am a Proud Scot, and an equally proud Brit

john

I am Welsh and have considered myself as British all my life and until recently when people asked where I came from the obvious answer was Britain or the United Kingdom.
It is only since 2010, i.e. under this Tory rule, have I felt less British and more Welsh. Now I make a point of educating people about Wales and even the Welsh language.
Given the above I think I can say that it is the Tories who are splitting apart the UK.

Thanks, Gibson! Been a while since I’ve checked this, so just seen a few new comments now 🙂

Sihle Atkinson

Haha. I love this. I’m from Jamaica (ex-colony of England) so I can relate to the spelling issue. I think Americans are lazy and bland for chopping up words. The ‘s’ and ‘z’ thing is annoying too. A lot of the material that we get for my CAPE Sociology class is from texts with American authors so I started getting confused when my teacher kept writing ‘socialization’.
I love to imitate a “British accent” (now after reading this, I’m not so sure if it’s actually British) but not slang. I just say what I’d normally say but in a Brit way. Sorry for calling it an accent. And, I love to hear the pure, uncorrupted English but I dare not say it to the person. I’d be nodding and in my mind I’m just like, “it sounds sooo awesome” =’)

I had to get used to Americanisms while I was teaching in South Korea. Sometimes I’d slip up. One time my students went nuts because I wrote ‘grey’ instead of ‘gray’. It only confused the poor things even more when I explained that Brits and Americans sometimes spell things differently.

John

Nice article, although the whole ‘s/z’ thing is a bit iffy. As far as I’m aware it’s actually more ‘traditionally English’ to spell, for example, ‘organize’ with a z, but for some reason many people seem to think it’s an Americanism!

Really? I don’t remember seeing that going through school at all (early 90’s and onward), nor know of any older Brit who writes things with a ‘z’, either.

Ylva Marie Longva

the oxford dictionary recommends the usage of z, but it’s more common to use s

Jennifer

Nail on the head!! Thank you! The accent thing irritates me like crazy, and I’ve noticed it’s mostly Americans who comment on having a British accent (although, after living abroad for almost 10 years, the one that annoys me is “your English is very good, where are you from?”) The food issue pisses me off, since a lot of people who judge English food as being crap usually have never been to the UK at all.

Perfect. 🙂 Sums up the endless frustrating conversations I’ve had with my my European and American friend & family. Thanks @waegook_tom:disqus for representing us accurately lol.

Christopher Nicholas

How to piss off a Welsh person:

1) Make use repeat everything 5 times cos you can’t understand us.
2) You ask if we personally know Gavin and Stacey.
3) You ask us “Who’s coat is this jacket”
4) Reference to anything involving sheep.
5) Say that we’re “just borrowing land from England”
6) Try and Anglicize Welsh names – ‘No, the Rhondda isn’t pronounced Ronda’
7) You ask us if we’ve ever been to Torchwood.
8) Say that the Welsh language is made up.

Karen

I love the irony of this, this is exactly how to piss off a Brit (well some Brits),
confuse Britain with England or vice versa, and use the terms interchangably. A title change to The English might be prudent, it is pretty cultural insensitive given
some of the live political situations in the British Isles just now…!?! Otherwise, great, funny piece, about English culture.

Rachael

hmm…how to piss of a BRIT then talk only about English people. Britain has FOUR countries, and you’ve just pissed of 3 of them right there. Put that in your article. By saying that its ok because there is also a Scottish one does not make up for this fact. Not cool.

Spanner1960

How to piss off a Scot: Mention England.

Aaron Phish Moreland

Being a silly American who is obsessed with European History (and how the history of each country in Europe intermingle with each other) and fully intend to visit England (more than just London though, so many cool spots just to visit just that one) this was actually really useful to read, especially since I didn’t know any of this stuff actually bothered you guys. What kills me is that I’ve had tons of friends from ‘across the pond’ and none of them bothered correcting me. So thank you very much! Also, as far as the language, blame Webster, he purposely butchered the language during the Revolutionary War to make us “different”.

John Mitchell

One item that would make my own list is the misuse of ‘irony’. In fact you seem to be guilty of this yourself:
” ‘spiffing’ is only used in an ironic sense among friends”
Perhaps I am blind to it but I can’t see the irony, as in the real true meaning of irony, in using ‘spiffing’. And yet now I wonder if there is actually some irony in the realisation that you have misused the term ‘ironic’ by using the American usage of it when describing American use of our language, which in turn has pissed me off as described in your title.

johnny_foreigner

Just tell any Brit how great immigration is and watch them froth with indignation. ‘Coming over here, commenting on our articles…’

kittendelight

Oh no… I think English accents are hot but I’m not American, I’m Australian (half European too :P) do I get a pass? I do understand the confusion… what if I just say I like all the ones I’ve heard? The posh one probably isn’t my favourite and I don’t think all English people are stuck up or posh. I resent Australian stereotypes, even though unfortunately there are plenty of people to adhere to them, and would hate for someone to expect me to be some kind of sport-worshipping, beer-drinking fool with a truly horrific nasal accent. Good god you used the term foodporn on your facebook. I loathe that term equally as much as I loathe amazeballs. Damn humans and their willingness to adopt trendy words.

Not made o’money

“Although we’ll probably just flash you a brief smile, no teeth, and”

Heh, heheheh…. you went there, lol.

Eva

Completely agree about the queue thing! Drives me absolutely mental when people think they can just waltz straight to the front after everyone’s been waiting for ages. Another thing that annoys me is any reference to my teeth being good “for a British person”… I think non-Brits have seen Oliver too many times and think our dental hygiene is akin to Fagin! I may not have had a ‘dental plan’ when I left school but I happen to care a great deal about my oral hygiene. Always have, always will!

Jeremy Powers

Jumping the queue? Where Brits don’t have lines they practically invent them. I can understand how jumping a queue might piss someone off, but tolerating queues to NOTHING would piss me off even more. I once got stuck in a line to look at wine in a shop near Marble Arch, when no line was needed at all. There were four people and five feet of shelf space, and they formed a queue. I swear if you just started a queue in a London suburb for no apparent reason, you would have 100 people in it 10 minutes and no one would ask why.

Prim and proper. I was once almost urinated on by a guy in The City.

And, you forgot “driving on the wrong side of the road.” Great Britain, at one time or another, ruled most the world. What, like three other countries drive on the same side as Brits.

As a brit living in Boston, I used to love being told “your accent is adorable” it made me feel special!

Shop Steward

How to piss off a Brit…wearing a Hartford Whalers toque….hockey…? Couldn’t find some old sausage with a Manchester scarf?

Stranger

Immigrate

Niki B-H

It’s against the law to eat fish and chips out of newspaper. Has been for bloody years.

Alex

I enjoyed the article as a Brit except for the spelling bit which is unfortunately incorrect; we added in the U’s and S’s, the Americans stuck with the old English spelling of words (Shakespearian style), so we actually “evolved” the language; not them.

A T

Before even looking at the comment section I was going to comment about how pissed off I was when he kept referring to something that is British as English: NOT the same thing. Glad so many others expressed their opinion too! >:<

Nic

I have a pedantic correction to make in reference to the spelling section. It is actually the British way to spell with a ‘z’ as most of those words come from Greek roots. However, so many people thought tht the Americans did it that we now use ‘s’ in the UK, which is technically wrong…

Has A Tache Crichton

In fact, there’s a great category to.add! “Assume all British people are Englisth”

LL11

I love the spelling but when I try to use it here I get called pompous. (I.e. I can’t say I went to the theatre in London) I love ALL the British Isle accents, from the BBC-like Henry Higgins to Eliza Dolittle to Bono to Sean Connery. Although I admit I sometimes. ..well almost always… am baffled by Scottish accents. I know it’s English but my brain won’t translate. I’ve only used slang once, when I told a walking tour guide my daughter “fancied him.” Never again. It embarrassed me and my daughter and I felt like an idiot. I’ve had some excellent fish and chips wrapped in newspapers and a great “bangers and mash” in a pub, but I’ve had many more horrible meals and even had a group of Londoners in a pub tell me the reason the English colonized all those other countries was to find a decent meal. Their joke, not mine. 🙂 I hate queue jumpers as well and have never been guilty of the last one.

paulina vacas

why do you say there is no such a thing as British accent?, it is like saying Spanish people doesn´t have an Spanish accent, and that they sound the same as someone from Mexico or Argentina. If you´re British, may be you can´t recognize the English accent, as I can´t recognize the Mexicann accent, but I´m quite aware there is one, every country has its own accent. I honestly don´t think you´re suggesting that you sound the same as someone from Texas.

Rui Martins

I can totally relate to this. It’s like when I tell someone I’m from Portugal and they reply that they are going there on vacation and that they even started learning Spanish…

Leo

Well, you pissed me off every time you say “americans” referring to the people from the USA, that really piss all Americans off. You should know that America is a continent, not a country…Americans could be from Canada up to Argentina.