My friend is friends with Keanu Reeves

I’m so pissed off. One of my friends moved into a new apartment building a couple of months ago. “You’ll never guess who lives in the building with me!” he started telling me. He was way too excited, way too happy. I could just tell by the look on his face that I’d wind up resenting whatever words came out of his mouth. “Keanu Reeves!” Yup.

I tried to at least not look pissed off, but I probably didn’t do too good of a job. At least I didn’t go right ahead and tell him exactly what I was thinking, which was, so what? You live in the same building as Keanu Reeves? Big deal. Seriously, how is that at all news, at all something to be even remotely happy about let alone gushing with excitement? I live with tons of other people. I don’t even know anybody’s name.

What, do you think all of the sudden because you happen to live in close proximity to a celebrity that you two are going to somehow hit it off? Be friends? “Maybe he’ll knock on my door someday to borrow a cup of sugar!” my friend offered. Please, nobody borrows sugar. That’s ridiculous. If ever found myself in the position where I was in the middle of cooking or baking something, and I realized that not only did I not have any sugar, but I needed a whole cup, like a whole package of sugar, I’d either run to a store and buy some, or more likely, I’d just give up the whole project right there and throw everything away. Because obviously I hadn’t thought this through. Obviously I got way too impulsive about baking, about just throwing a bunch of ingredients in a bowl without even bothering to stop and think to myself, wait a second, do I have any sugar? Do I know how to bake? I tell you what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to start knocking on a bunch of random neighbor’s doors asking them for free groceries. If somebody ever came to my house with an empty measuring cup in hand, I’d take the measuring cup, tell them to wait there one second, and then I’d go inside the house and lock the door. I wouldn’t answer for the rest of the day.

But that’s not what I’m pissed off about. I mean, yeah, I guess I got a little pissed off there, but what I’m really pissed off about is the fact that he did it, my friend, he’s actually like friends with Keanu now. I don’t know how it happened. Well, I know the details of the how, but I just can’t figure out why. They were in the elevator or something and my friend couldn’t help himself. “Oh my God! I loved you in The Replacements!” or something like that. If I were a celebrity, I’d be so annoyed. But not Keanu. They hit it off.

They did like a karaoke night thing at his place the other night. And guess who wasn’t invited? “Oh, you know how it is,” my friend tried to tell me, “I don’t want to impose.” Yeah, he didn’t want to impose at the party, but he had no problem imposing on Keanu’s elevator ride. Isn’t that like an invasion of personal space or something? And it didn’t work for me. I spent like an entire afternoon riding up and down in that same elevator, hoping I’d get my own celebrity run-in.

And I did, I got it, Keanu finally showed up. But it wasn’t just Keanu and me, there was also some old lady in the elevator with us. She had already been up and down like five times that day. I know because I was there every time. On her fourth trip, she must have assumed that I was like an elevator boy, because she just walked in and said, “Twelve, please,” and I was like, “Excuse me, I’m not an elevator boy, you can’t tell me what to do,” and she said, “Elevator boy? Could please just push the twelve button for me? So I did, but only after I pushed two through eleven first.

Anyway, she gives me this dirty look when she walks in, but completely forgets about me once she realizes that she’s sharing my elevator ride with Keanu. “Oh my God!” she starts gushing, “I just loved that movie that you were in with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson! You know, the one where Diane Keaton flashes the camera? What a great movie!” and Keanu was like, “Hey, thanks a lot. See you around.” And the next thing I knew it was Keanu’s floor, and he was getting ready to get off, and I hadn’t even gotten to say anything to him, like anything at all, and I really wanted to go to that karaoke party.

So as he stepped out of the elevator I kind of shouted, “Wait! Keanu! I loved Bill and Ted! Wait, I mean The Matrix! I loved The Matrix!” and as the elevator door closed, he said something to me like, “Man, those movies came out a long time ago buddy.” And that was it. I banged on the door really hard and screamed, “I love karaoke!” hoping that he heard me through the metal. I think he did, but still, he had no idea who I was or how we might get in contact with one another.

Which was such a shame, because if that stupid lady wasn’t there, I had such a good plan. I had this newspaper with me opened up to a crossword puzzle, and when Keanu stepped into the elevator, I was going to be staring at the paper, like totally not even paying attention to Keanu at all, like it could have been just anybody that walked in. And I would’ve said without looking up, “Hey man, do you know a seven-letter word for ‘empty orchestra’ Japanese origin?” And he would have said, “karaoke,” and I would have made a little show of counting out the letters, looking a little puzzled but then finally relieved when I figured out that it fit. And I’d look up and say, “Hey, thanks a lot.” And he’d say, “Sure, no problem. It’s funny you mention karaoke. I’m having a karaoke party at my place tomorrow night. You live here, right?” And I’d say, “Yeah, sure,” and then I’d stick out my hand and say, “Rob. And you are?” “Oh, I’m sorry,” he’d put down his groceries or whatever, offering me his hand, “Keanu. Keanu Reeves.” And I’d just act all casual, like I’d never heard of him before, and I’d say, “Great. Sounds great. Maybe I’ll stop by. Nice meeting you Keanu.”

But that didn’t happen. And after I finished banging on the doors I turned around and that lady was still standing there with me in the elevator staring at me. And I just looked at her for a second and then screamed, “What?”

11 thoughts on “My friend is friends with Keanu Reeves”

It’s complete bullshit, keanu actually lives at a beachhouse and not an apartment, don’t be gullible enuf t o believe this dreamer, next year his same friend or even himself will claim to be friends with the egg Ockendon dwayne Johnson lol

I would like to get in touch with Keanu. My daughter studies at the University of North Texas and her major is film. I have a letter for Keanu if you happen to get a hold of him.

12/23/15

Keanu,

My daughter is an expiring young lady with high hopes and dreams. She is currently studying at the University of North Texas and majoring in film with a minor in marketing. She has done some volunteer work at Say Si! which is an organization whom
influences young people to fulfill their dreams by their artistic talents such as film, art, social media and much more. Her focus was in editing videos being made by these young artists. She would love to direct one day maybe focusing on making short films or maybe even bigger ones.

I would like to know if you can give her some tips on the whole film industry do’s and don’ts. I am one of your many admiring fans and I love the fact that many have quoted you as being a genuine and honest person. My daughter is very humble like and she is caring and loving and loves people in general. She gets it from me. Please respond by emailing me at irma.ann.martinez@gmail.com. I will then give you her phone number so
you can personally speak to her.

Is this really true?
Everyone is asking for something. I just would love to tell Keanu that I am so sorry for all his losses. I always knew tgere was something that was on his mind or that bothered him in I his life. His face showed it in his movies. He is truly an beautiful man. Have him call me . I have quite a story to tell too. Zenaida King
480-720-0584

If I may say or start off with
that is a really interesting and cool story. I probably couldn’t even imagine how nervous and star struck I would be in that exact moment. I would probably be quiet and just embrace the fact he was sharing an elevator with me.
I know this may be very weird or just not anyway nearly as interesting as your story?.. But, here it goes.
My boyfriend I’ve been dating has been suffering with depression. He is an intelligent,handsome and very adventurous individual. What’s even more funny he plays the bass guitar and kinda looks A bit like Keanu himself. He works very hard at his work. He struggling with new family issues regarding his mother being ill. And I know Keanu himself has struggled with depression and I just wanted to know how to get. Or how to begin to help my Boyfriend with this sort of stuff ? I know it may not mean a big deal and I truly understand that I really do I just wanted to ask by any chance it would mean a lot. It’s been hard to keep his faith up and really get him out of that sluggish mode he is in. He is a warrior and fights a great battle everyday. And as for me I still feel honored to stand by him through it all. I truly would appreciate anything at all of any feedback if possible.

This has got to be the most childish thing I have come across in a very long time. You people are pathetic in that you’re like children gawking over Santa Claus. You act like a celebrity is a god and you’re special if you get to even so much as share an elevator. Don’t even get me started on how naive, ignorant, and yet again childish you look thinking Keanu is just going to jump on here and give advice on depression or pursuing a film career and might even just pick up the phone and give you a jingle out of nowhere not knowing who the hell you are. I what do you think major celebrities such as him just sit around and Google their names and see what random blogs they can find that talk about them and them jump right on and start talking to everyone? PAAALEASE. they have much better things to do than to interact with retards like you! You’re pathetic to a point I’m actually embarrassed for you. Get a life and a grip on reality!!!

I understand you all love Keanu, but don’t you think that your going a bit too far, for the guy who wrote this letter, man I can see why he didn’t want to talk to you, Keanu is a very private person who’s gone through a lot in his life, I’m sure the guys friend was cool to Keanu and not act like a total jerk , what a selfsh person and a asshole to be yelling at a old lady, why don’t you just use your manners and push the button for her instead of acting like some crazed lunetic, he probably would of talked to you, but if I were a celebrity I’d stay away from people like you. Keanu is a very sweet and intelligent man, he is very down to earth , although I don’t know him personally , he has a heart of gold. My suggestion leave the man alone, he doesn’t need your bullshit, he will probably get up and move now because some crazy ass lunetic knows where he lives. Leave Keanu alone, or at least be civil with him .