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Saturday, October 20, 2012

30 Days of Truth: Day 9

I had two best friends
when I was eleven and twelve. We would do everything together. There are so
many pictures with the three of us. We were in some ways similar to each other,
in others different. Of course there would end up a third wheel, and I grew a
little closer to one of the friends. We were more similar I guess. I don’t
know.

We tried, however, to
maintain this closeness. Throughout high school we’d arrange a way to celebrate
the birthday of each of us, the two would split the cost of a nice present, we’d
always have the same sort of cake, have a sleepover. It was really nice.

During 8th grade
my life turned upside down with the divorce and everything after, and I kind of
turned in on myself. I started spending less time with these two girls. I
stopped eating with them at lunch, I stopped inviting them over. My 14th
birthday was the last one we spent together. The girl I grew closer with went
to the same dance groups as me so we saw each other a great deal, had our
baking sessions and sleepovers. But still it felt like it was too much of a
strain. Things weren’t getting any better for me and I just wanted to be alone.
She was having her own problems with school and stress.

I remember the last
time, during 9th grade (senior year in high school over here) my
other friend invited the other two of us over for cake. It was no real
occasion. She had had a bad day, and just wanted company. We went over the plan
she had made with her psychologist for the rest of the school year, how she’d
balance everything. I was envious of her little problems but knew better not to
mention it. I wanted to trade lives. I wanted to become that ultimately jealous
kid and put my friend down and tell her she had no real problems, but I didn’t.
I guess it was part of my already grown-up nature.

I spent the summer
after my hospitalization period in 2010 in a youth/group home. She visited me
and sent me cards, and during my time in hospital we had spoken on the phone. It made me feel loved. It made me feel that, after all
this time, no matter how apart we had been drawn by life, she was still there,
and she cared. I feel I owe her. It has been two years since that now, a little
more.

We live in different
towns now, all three of us. I was in the same college for a bit with one but we
barely met and in the end I was just gone. We congratulate each other on
birthdays and other events. We’re still interested in how the other is doing.
Sometimes we text.

But I miss how we were.
I hate that I need to make an effort to want to contact them. I do not know why
this happened. If this is just how it goes with me and friends. It makes me
wonder if I always, in the end, just fade away.