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Ankles in Love

The real truth behind Jay-Z’s ankle-grabbing pensions

Illustrator: Stevie Lacher

Have you ever noticed how many pictures of Jay-Z and Beyoncé show Jay clutching her ankle? The much-beloved celebrity couple have had a wide selection of pictures snapped over the years, and a good handful of them showcase Jay’s unusual habit of Beyoncé-ankle-grabbing. Obviously, something shady is at play here. My theory: Jay-Z and Beyoncé are aliens and Jay is grasping onto Bey’s ankle to transfer his energy to her.

Crazy, you say? Well, the evidence is in the music. Beyoncé and Jay-Z married in 2008 after years of dating. Before their marriage, the two had released consistently decent music. However, ever since their marriage, Bey seems to be getting more publicity and has begun releasing more praise-worthy music, while Jay seems to have disappeared from the music world, save for the occasional album and some sparse features.

For the most damning evidence, look no further than Beyoncé’s 2016 release “Lemonade.” As people are aware, “Lemonade” is a concept album that delves into the possibility of Jay-Z cheating on Beyoncé, and her subsequent response and emotional turmoil. Of course, this is pinned as a concept album, but what if the whole story is real? What if Jay-Z really did cheat on her, and she was aware of it? What did he even release last year? Aside from some lackluster features—pretty much nothing.

Now, you may ask, what does this have to do with the ankle-grabbing? I theorize that the couple’s mating ritual begins with the male grasping the female’s ankle to transfer energy, which includes singing and musical talent. To make up to Beyoncé for the alleged cheating, Jay-Z grasps her ankle to transfer energy to her, lest she leaves Earth without him. During their early dating years, the two shared a mutual relationship, where one equally benefitted the other in terms of musical talent. Now, the relationship is almost parasitic. Beyoncé benefits exclusively, while Jay is left atop the clothesline to dry. It’s a truly devious plan thought out by Queen B.

So, there you have it. The controversy surrounding the Jay-Z cheating controversy and the ankle-grabbing tendencies explained through Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s alien mating practices. It truly is a frightening development, but one question still lingers: Are Bey and Jay the only alien mating couple to have made an impact on our cultural landscape? At least, now, we know the signs.

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DISCLAIMER: the purpose of the Wake is to provide a forum in which students can voice their opinions. Opinions expressed in the magazine are not representative of the publication or University of Minnesota as a whole.