Archive for August, 2005

[This is the last installment of a four-part series on how men can avoid being slaves to female sexuality. Please click on the link for part 1, part 2, or part 3 to read the previous installments.]

Arousal

So far, we have covered techniques for controlling lust which deal with the object of desire. We learned how we, as men, can keep ourselves from throwing more gasoline on the flame of passion. With the following strategies, we can control the general feelings of sexual arousal that may come on us suddenly and unexpectedly. Remember, we want to attack lust on both fronts. In addition to stopping ourselves from throwing gasoline on the fire, we want to put the fire itself out.

Conquer Fear

If a man wants to control his sexuality, the primary obstacle he must overcome is fear. Perish the thought that you cannot control yourself! Don’t think that God gives you desires against your will. Forget the idea you will inevitably harm yourself if you don’t relieve your sexual tension. All these notions are false! When you are aroused, you should remind yourself that the arousal will eventually subside. If you persist, you can gain the ability to shut off your arousal at will.

Also, stop listening to people around you that say you are missing out on life if you don’t get lucky in love. Don’t listen to people who think your manhood depends on scoring with women. These people cannot discern the difference between bravery and stupidity. These people may talk a good talk about “being a man” and “taking risks” but these are the same ones that get skewered alive in the end. In actuality, they are often afraid of being alone and end up jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Keep these people from driving you insane: take the steering wheel away from them.

Channeling the Tension

How can you, as a man, regain control of yourself if you find that you are sexually aroused? Simple. Close your eyes, clear your mind of troublesome thoughts, and take several deep breaths. Imagine the sexual tension moving away from your reproductive organs and the power of the tension dissipating throughout the rest of your body. If thinking about this draws your mind back towards sex, however, then just focus on closing your eyes and breathing deeply. Assure yourself that you are the master of your body. After all, you are a man with free will, not a male bovine. As the physical tension subsides, you may notice that you feel more energized. However, it may be just as likely that you will feel totally relaxed with your mind uncluttered by sexual desires. It can indeed be exhilirating as you realize that you are no longer a pawn of female sexuality.

Get Out of Bed

You will find that there are certain circumstances that leave you vulnerable to feelings of arousal. Make it easy on yourself by avoiding these circumstances if possible. For instance, you may find that you are often aroused while lying in bed. Perhaps in such a moment of idleness, thoughts of sex come too easily to you. Get out of bed, channel the tension until it subsides, and only return to bed when you are tired enough to fall asleep.

More generally, make sure to preoccupy yourself with your responsibilities and things that you like to do. Never allow yourself to get bored. You owe it to yourself to live a proactive and productive life.

Get Mad

In addition to the above techniques, it is helpful to think about the costs of giving in to your desires. Think about the shame, sadness, and sense of disappointment you will feel if you turn your back on your goal for self-control. You should see any unwanted arousal on your part as not as a nice feeling, but as a competitor or even an adversary. It is an impediment to your goal for greater male self-esteem and for a greater sense of dignity. Use your indignation at being a slave of female sexuality to give you focus and power in this matter.

Conclusion

As we can see, by dealing with the object of desire and with the general feeling of arousal, you, as a man, can control your lust. From time to time, sexual arousal may be a minor nuisance, but ideally it will not overcome you as it has probably often done in the past. You will feel no compelling necessity to invest time or money for female companionship unless it benefits you in some meaningful fashion. You can take or leave women, and you just might decide to leave them.

As you practice self-control, remember the old adage: “If at first you don’t succed, try, try again.” Also, remember that when you give in to your desires, you are still making a choice. The choice can be an informed one or it can be based on delusional thinking. It’s up to you.

How will others react to this plan for controlling lust? Who cares. Social conservatives have browbeaten us men for so long, demanding that we be chaste and self-controlled. Social liberals plaintively demand that we stop sexually objectifying women and/or stop basing our manhood on sexual conquest. Perhaps, it is time to give these people and so many others a taste of their own medicine. Men do not necessarily have to rely on the help of other people to achieve their goal of sexual self-control. Men do not even have to be religious to understand the value of learning continence. Rather than being beggars whining for a scrap of bread, men can control their hunger and therefore set terms for when they want to eat. Indeed, when it comes to sexual self-control, men can turn their back on the overpriced delicacies that society shoves in their face and go their own way.

[This is the third installment of a four-part series on how men can avoid being slaves to female sexuality. Please click on either the link for part 1 or part 2 to read the previous installments.]

Dealing with Beautiful Women in General

Now that we understand the components of lust, let us turn our attention to some techniques a man can use to defuse his lust and reassert control over his own desires. The following techniques deal with the object of desire, the beautiful woman that comes into our presence either physically or mentally. The underlying approach is to place the object of desire in a harsher light than to which we are accustomed.

The Cold Eye

The Cold Eye technique is crude but effective: don’t look at a beautiful woman any longer than you would look at another person. You are not deliberately averting your eyes all the time, but neither are you staring at women the way a cheetah does a baby antelope. Basically, the idea is not to feed your arousal any more than the opportunity permits. This technique is especially helpful in dealing with media images of beautiful women. If you catch a glimpse of a gorgeous model on a billboard, for instance, don’t dwell on it. Move on. Why? Because there is nothing to see. Pretty women are a dime a dozen, and you should never forget that.

Undress the Beauty

Instead of undressing a woman’s body in your mind, you should undress her beauty. In other words, stop thinking about how good she looks, and put a more realistic spin on her womanhood. There are several aspects of women that you can choose to dwell upon in a critical fashion:

1. Sexual History: If a woman is scantily clad, then that’s all the more reason for you to reflect on her low morals and the possibility of her being involved in a promiscuous lifestyle. Contemplate yourself being cuckolded by a woman like her or catching STDs from her. Imagine some low-life freak sticking his tongue in her face, and imagine her enjoying it.

2. Intelligence: Many pretty women have never bothered to apply themselves intellectually. Imagine the torment you might face of trying to carry on a conversation with a beautiful woman you see. Imagine the disappointment you might feel when you realize she is shallow in her thinking and behavior.

3. Emotional Stability: Physically attractive women can be neurotic just like everyone else. How would you like to live with an emotionally disturbed person on a daily basis? Consider that a lot of women in the sex industry have a drug habit, have eating disorders, have been in abusive relationships, have illegitimate kids, etc. Think about these things the next time you see a pin-up girl.

4. Materialism: So many women are mercenary in their relationships. They don’t care about you as a person. Power and status are their real lovers. So, imagine the apple of your eye telling you in nasal tone that you are a loser and that you don’t have what she wants (i.e., money).

5. Attention-Seeking Behavior: Consider that your beloved most likely has a large ego and thrives on the attention men give her. She has no plans for giving you what you desire. She got what she want and most likely does not care that you have been left frustrated on the sidelines.

5. Hateful Behavior: Consider that a beautiful woman may have a degree of hostility towards men. She may be a feminist, or consider herself a victim of “Patriarchy.” She might be the kind of person that cuts you off from your friends, hobbies, and dreams. Consider the idea of her bankrupting you in divorce court. Imagine her being abusive emotionally or physically.

6. Physical Beauty: Addressing this factor is going for the jugular. Think about the biological processes that women start go though as the years progress. Their skin wrinkles, they start to retain body fat, etc. They age faster than men! One day, you will look around and wonder where the elitist princesses of your generation went. All you will notice are dumpy looking ladies with terrible personalities. The change starts happening after the age of 35. Do you still want to pin your future and self-worth as a man on something as transitory as the way a woman looks?

When you start thinking intently and critically on one or more of these characteristics, you will most likely feel your desire wane. You will notice that the beautiful woman you see doesn’t seem so sublime anymore. Her stature in your mind shrivels up and shrinks in importance.

The Disintegration Button

Whenever the image of an attractive woman enters your mind, reflect on how she is hurting you by causing the physical discomfort and mental distress associated with sexual tension. After all, she arouses you, but refuses to makes herself available for the physical and emotional intimacy you desire. You should consider her as being no better than a tease and thus not worthy of existing in your mind. Imagine yourself pushing a disintegration button and envision her body being atomized into a billion pixels.

Male Super-Hero vs. Female Sex Villain

This technique will likely sound hilarious to many readers, and yet it can serve as some comic relief for the tension you may feel in a given circumstance. Imagine you are the representative of men everywhere, pitted in a battle between the sexes. You are not going to allow feminists and other women who don’t respect men to reduce guys to useful idiots. Therefore, when approached by a female, you should see yourself as having special abilities in resisting the beauty emanating from her body. In your mind, imagine her special powers of seduction and beguilement melting away in the presence of your masculinity. Imagine yourself blasting her into the next star system with your Ion Beam of Male Indifference!

Dealing with a Beautiful Friend

The aforementioned techniques are effective for dealing with beautiful women we don’t know. However, additional caution is needed when dealing with woman we do know. In such a case, you cannot afford to get aroused by a female friend’s body if you cannot afford the fallout of losing the ability to think.

There are several potential pitfalls in personally interacting with a beautiful woman. If she befriends you, it may be because she wants to take advantage of you. Even if she is sincerely affectionate towards you, her feelings may nonetheless change later on. You both may end up assuming things about each other, only to find yourselves disappointed. Also, she may be have a limitation of how intimate she wants to be with you; maybe she sees you just as a friend.

Another thing to keep in mind that sexual arousal is like alcohol. It impairs your judgment. Let’s expand the analogy further: People often take precautions if they know they are going to drink socially. They may even appoint someone as a “designated driver” to bring them home from some public event. In the same fashion, you need to be aware of your surroundings and who your with not before you choose to have sex, but before you choose to succumb to your arousal!

You must continually remind yourself that arousal is dangerous around a woman that has not completely divulged to you who she is as a person. Men should not trust their sexuality to women who have not demonstrated they will give him a steady and reliable source of love, compassion, and assistance. Don’t allow your male ego to fool you into thinking you can flirt with disaster. Really, it is a simple thing to just keep women as friends or acquaintances only, leaving romance out of the picture. You only need to look at married men to realize that it is often easier to live without a woman than it is to live with one.

Have a Plan

If you insist on being open to the prospects of an intimate relationship with a woman, you will need to have a plan for how such a woman might fit into your life. Perhaps it is in your best interest to move abroad to meet women. You might want to consider more traditional societies where men are still respected as human beings and are valued for their contribution to their communities. At any rate, whether you seek a foreign wife or a woman in your own culture, decide beforehand on how you are going to handle women who are attracted to you. Stick to your principles.

It is best to do a cost-benefit analysis of the various scenarios which are likely to arise when approaching attractive women. You must decide under which circumstances you will allow yourself to become vulnerable. In other circumstances, you must be resolved to turn off your sex drive. This is part and parcel of exercising complete control over your sexuality.

Have Standards She Has to Meet

Do not think of any woman as a potential mate unless you have resolved the following issues regarding her…

1. Does she go out of the way to assist you in some meaningful fashion? Does she come over to your place and cook for you? Does she take you out to eat? Does she lend you money, help you clean up a house, etc.? Remember she must show she is a real friend prior to any relationship. Talking sweetly to you, brushing up against you, hugging you, throw her arms around you, fluffing her hair, batting her eyes, etc. doesn’t count. If she is flirting with you before being demonstrating that she is a real friend, then she is trying to control you through your sexual appetite. Avoid her.

2. Would she be a good wife or mother of your children? You should ask yourself this because many women are not content with casual, short-term relationships. Many want you to commit. Would she be the kind of woman you would want to embrace after she turns wrinkled and gray?

3. Does she have a good reputation among friends, family members, and other people that you both know? Remember, people can change, so does she have a bedrock foundation of integrity and loyalty? Are their any disturbing qualities that you notice? Be honest with yourself and don’t overlook them. It doesn’t matter how charming her personality is initially. Drop her if she shows signs of being an evil flake. Your better being alone than being with her. Trust me on that.

4. What other essential qualities do you look for in your mate? What about your personal beliefs? You better determine all your essential criteria before talking to women.

As harsh as it sounds, your presupposition should be that when it comes to relationships, women are guilty until proven innocent. Why? Because quite frankly, a statistically significant amount of them are screwing up men’s lives, and society now often excuses bad behavior in women while still punishing men. The gratification of your sexual desire is not worth this price.

Just Say No

If a woman you know tries to push you into intimacy with her before you are prepared, refuse her advances. Tell her up front that you do not want a relationship with anyone you do not know well. If she gets angry, pesters you, questions your manhood, becomes critical, or engages in some other form of inappropriate behavior, then she has done you a favor by revealing what kind of woman she is. In that case, dump her.

In Case of An Emergency

There might be some instances where you find yourself unexpectedly aroused by a woman that you know. If you get aroused by a female friend, but want to reassert control over your feelings, then remember to use some of the techniques mentioned earlier. For instance, you can undress her beauty in your mind by reflecting on the kind of woman she might really be. Another option is to just get away from her. It sounds drastic, but remember that your friendship with her is not worth the cost of you losing your mind and doing something you’ll later regret. After all, you can live happily without women.

Sometimes a woman you know may enter your mind and cause you to become aroused. One way to defuse the tension is to think of the image in your brain as an evil impostor trying to destroy your peace of mind. Since the imposter is not the real woman, you can mentally disintegrate it.

If She’s Already Taken

There are times when you might find yourself aroused by an attractive woman already in a relationship with another man. You need not be the lamb lead to the slaughter. In such a case, simply imagine her significant other seeing you naked and him knowing what you are thinking about his woman!

[This is the second installment of a four-part series on how men can avoid being slaves to female sexuality. For the first installment, please click here.]

The Anatomy of Lust

Having described the benefits of controlling sexual desire, I want to address the problem of lust. There are two components to lust: the object of desire and the arousal.

The Object of Desire

The object of desire may take one or more of the following three forms: the Beautiful Stranger, the Beautiful Thought, or the Beautiful Friend.

The Beautiful Stranger represents those sexually attractive women which appear in our world but which we are not likely to ever know personally. We see them on the sidewalks, in the shopping malls, on the billboards, on the Internet, on television, in magazines, etc. They can be painted, or take the form of digital animation. They can be airbrushed or touched up with some photo imaging software. They cover themselves with mascara, lip gloss, and topical treatments of various kinds. Whether they be virtual or in the flesh, we are confronted with them on a daily basis and are not likely to escape them.

The Beautiful Thought represents those sexually attractive women that keep intruding into our minds. They may be thoughts of women we have actually seen or they may be entities created wholly from the fabric of our imaginations. They worm into our lives at the most unexpected and unwelcome moments.

The Beautiful Friend represents sexually attractive women that we actually know and interact with. These women can be coworkers, classmates, friends, women we meet at church, etc. Their personalities are known to us. For the most part, they probably represent the greatest danger to male self-control because of their personal dealings with us. These are the women that we cannot easily dismiss as being unpleasant people or the mere wisps of our imaginations. These are the nice ones that we are tempted to pursue.

The Arousal

In response to the objects of desire, a man reacts with arousal. In order to control arousal, we must acknowledge that the problem with lust is not that men think too much about sex. It is that they don’t think enough. They don’t think logically about it, especially regarding the social and personal costs of sexual desire. There are two basic ingredients involved in the unrealistic thinking that fuels arousal and thus lust.

First, there is fear. Men are afraid that they cannot control their feelings, and that if they try to, they will harm their bodies or have psychological problems. Men are afraid that if they don’t act on their impulses, they will miss out on some wonderful experience in life that men are obligated to have. Men are afraid that if they don’t submit to female sexuality (through marriage or otherwise), they will branded as being asexual, gay, weird, spiritually immature, etc. The result of fear is that men either are conquered by female sexuality, or retreat from it only to be defeated in some future battle.

The second ingredient often found in arousal is adulation. The object of desire is presented to men in strictly positive terms. In other words, when men lust, they merely see some gorgeous, sexually available woman eager to pleasure her beholder. Men’s minds usually trail off to some scene from an XXX rated video they play over and over in their minds. There are no unpleasant parts in the movie script.

The fantasy of finding a beautiful woman that will satisfy every primal urge for physical and emotional intimacy is just too compelling for men. They are looking for the feeling they lost when they grew up and were too old to to be held to the bosom of their mothers. They imagine some larger-than-life personification of the feminine driving away the shadows of loneliness and despair from their gray adult world. When they think of finding that one special woman for their lives, they do not think about the regimen of soiled diapers, boring trips to Home Depot, senseless arguments, and mountains of bills. No, they imagine themselves stepping into some scene from a Playboy magazine.

And so a man yearns for sexual union with beautiful women as the key to resolving the things that are banal about his life. He forgets that many women are just mediocre human beings driven by self-interest. In the end, he sets himself up for disappointment, failure, shame, and disaster. Instead of being nobody’s fool, he becomes everybody’s fool.

[Click on either the link for part 3 or part 4 to read the rest of this series.]