Monday, March 26, 2007

Today is all about recovery from my weekend. It’s not that we did a lot, but more that we were constantly going. Friday night was pretty low-key; we simply hung out around the house. We woke up on Saturday morning to what was going to be an incredibly day. The weather was supposed to be in the high 60’s, and being that the highs are normally in the 40’s right now…that’s a heat wave!

Jason, MacKenzy and I went to Como Zoo in St. Paul. Though not the Minnesota Zoo, it’s free and a change of scenery. I hadn’t been to Como Zoo since 1st or 2nd grade so a lot of it was new to me too. The animals weren’t really new; it was my perspective on captivity for the animals. Believe You ME, I’m neither a PETA member nor a “tree hugger!” I am a regular person making an observation.

I have a membership with the Minnesota Zoo and we go a few times a year and never have I felt that the animals were given improper care. Yes it still sucks that a tiger is forced to live in a fenced in area, but at the state zoo they are given tons of space with a lot of attention to proper habitat. The Como Zoo is no where near, in my opinion, an adequate place for most of these animals to be living. Imagine, 3 adult gorillas living in a room no larger than a McDonald’s Playland. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. There were two adult buffalo in an area no larger than a typical suburban backyard.

The most disturbing was the giraffes. There were three giraffes in an area no larger than a 2 stall garage. In the warmer months they are outside during the day, but then kept in the smaller area the remainder of the time.

I don’t think I’ll be going back. It’s just too unnerving to see animals like that. I know that in other parts of the world, and even in this country years ago, animals are treated much worse. I just don’t want to be apart of it.

Saturday night I was on shift with the ambulance. We had two very interesting calls that truly tested my compassion abilities, and my smarts. In one patient I got my first Meth patient, and domestic assault…every kid should have to meet a person like that to see what drugs do to people. The woman got her ass kicked by her boyfriend that was coming down off a high, and she was extremely hurt but high so she was incredibly unstable. It really opens your eyes to see something like that first hand.

Going to my first call of the night I got pulled over when I was racing to the ambulance station for a call. One of the city cops pulled me over after I didn't come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and then sped off down the road. Once he got out of his squad I yelled out my window that I was with the ambulance and I was on my way to a call. He APOLOGIZE and said "Drive Safely!" To top it off, yesterday he apologized to Kate (our babysitter who was riding along with her dad) thinking he pulled her over. She told him that it wasn't her but me, and he asked her to apologize to me. he he he

Sunday

Sunday was an out of body experience, to say the least. My older brother Dan and I agreed that we would go together to my grandma’s 92 birthday party. The situation is that we don’t normally socialize with that side of our family. There’s a lot of bad history between us and our biological father, and it’s just been messy. We’re always invited to functions, but never go. Now the one time that we didn’t get an actual invitation to something (my aunt emailed me) we decided to go. Being that our grandmother was turning 92 I had mentioned to Dan that there isn’t much time left and that I wanted to at least go. He decided to come along.

I picked up Dan and we drove to the party together. Walking into the building I joked with Dan that everyone’s mouths were going to hit the floor….and sure enough they did! We walked in and the room went silent. Gasps of “Look Who’s Here!” fell across the room. My aunt that had emailed me about the party walked over and gave us hugs, and meanwhile our biological father realized who just walked in.

Over the last sixteen years I have fear confrontations with my father. He has always been oblivious to why we have nothing to do with him…though to everyone else it’s completely obvious. In the past when he’d approach me I’d find whatever route out of there I could. This day was different. Maybe it was because Dan was with me, or maybe it was because I had MacKenzy with as a human shield (i.e. Conversation piece!). All in all it went completely find and I never once felt like I had to run for the hills. In an odd way, I finally feel like an adult.

As Dan and I walked out of the building I joked, “Do you think we just won the “Most Unexpected to Show Up Award?” He laughed, “No Kidding!”

Afterwards I took Dan home and got a tour of their new house. Love It! The house is 100+ years old and has tons of built-in’s and rooms with the most amazing character. Afterwards we took MacKenzy over to their old place to see their horses. She LOVED them and then didn’t want to leave. I had to practically sit on her to belt her into her car seat. She fell asleep on the way home, but when I took her out of her seat to bring her into the house she asked, “Where’s the horsies?” I answered that they were at Uncle Dan’s house and she replied, “Oh Okay” and then fell back asleep.

I was home all of 20 minutes when the baby-sitter showed up and I was out the door to the Taylor Hicks concert. Kate came to baby-sit and told me about the apology. I had her babysitting because I was going up to Taylor Hicks concert. I was in full uniform because I was working with the medical crew doing standby at the concert. If there had been a call I would have missed the show, but that was a risk I was willing to take (it was a great show!). Well, on my way to the show I was in my own little world trying to figure out something when I looked at my speedometer and I was going 70 in a 55. I immediately started to slow down and wouldn't you know it the County Sheriff came over the hill in front of me. I saw him hit his breaks, so I immediately pulled over and just waited for him. I knew this was payback from the night before. A few seconds later he came back over the hill to find me waiting for him (which I'm sure was a pleasant surprise). As he walked to my window he asked, "And how are you today?" I simply answered, "Fast" with a sorry look on my face.

"Ahh it happens. Don't worry about it. Are you on your way to work?" he saw that I was in uniform and I’m sure he noticed the fire plates. I said yes (I wasn't going to explain the entire story) and he just said, "Ok. Well have a good day."

"Thank you, and I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry about it, have a good night."

I damn near busted out laughing!!! I immediately got on the phone with Kate (the babysitter) to tell her what happened. I joked that I needed to go buy a lottery ticket...so on the way home I did!

I have to say, it was an incredible show!! Taylor Hicks is certainly fun to watch as he’s dancing around stage. He never stood still! I hadn’t heard his album, but I knew I’d enjoy the show regardless, and I did. He covered a Marvin Gaye song, some Van Morrison, and maybe one more… I would certainly see him again. My friend actually went backstage and met Taylor. She sent me a text during the show that he was incredibly nice and genuine. Another friend of mine was center stage in the second row and she said it was one of the best shows she’s ever been to, “The band was amazing and he was so fun to watch!”

When I got home just after ten, I made an immediate bee-line to the bed! Long day!

Monday

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I didn’t sleep very well because I kept thinking…and that’s dangerous. I have medication I’m supposed to take to help me stay asleep, but I can’t take it when I’m home alone with MacKenzy at night. When I take the medication I am out to the world! Someone could jump up and down on my head and I wouldn’t notice a thing. Its great sleep, but scary when you know that you could sleep through just about anything!

What made my day was getting to work and opening up my e-mail. Over the last 6 months I have been corresponding with my little sister that I haven’t seen in almost 17 years. She’s actually my half-sister. Her mom and my biological father had her when I was just a few weeks shy of my 12th birthday. A year later I stopped communication with my father, and therefore lost all touch with her. A few months later, through the grapevine, I heard that her mother got a clue and left my father too. A year or so later I heard that her mother married. Over the years I sent her mom birthday cards for Marki and letters asking to see her. Never once did she reply. My last attempt was the year before I got married. I practically begged to see Marki and have her apart of my life…no response. Not until this past August did I ever get a chance to talk to Marki. She didn’t have a clue that she had an older brother and sister… (to read the back story...click here)

I continually asked Marki to tell her dad about me as I refused to meet up with her until he was aware. As time drug on and she wasn’t telling him, I started to find myself wanting to throw out the rules and meet her. Now I don’t have to!

This morning the first email I read was from her…though I had 60 in my Inbox. She saved the best part for last:

Subject: my super de duper weekend

…ok and here comes the part your gonna absolutely love.... on my way over to kyle’s my sister called and asked if i could drop her off at a friends house so i said i would come get her so on my way into town i was thinking if my day is goin so well why not ask my mom about amy.... so i did it took a twenty min talk about it and she was in shock that i knew so much already but happy that i asked if she would come to with me to meet you.... so i guess what im saying is that i asked my mom and she said that we could meet either down here or halfway its all up to you if your not busy this weekend or the next i would like to have lunch with you and mackenzy please!

Does she even have to ask if I’ll have lunch with her? My reply basically said that I would completely clear my schedule to make it work! I’ve been waiting for years for this moment, nothing is more important! I’m actually really thrilled that her mom will be there too. I want her to see that I only have the purest intentions and quite possible have her realize it was a mistake to keep me from her for all this time. I also think that this could be a healing time for Marki and her mom. Marki has so many reasons to be angry with her mom, and if I can bridge the gap and help them find each other again, it’s my pleasure.

So all the crazy stuff that went on this weekend….the best thing was coming to work on Monday!

Friday, March 23, 2007

MacKenzy IS sleeping in her own room (still on the floor) by herself! We are totally blackmailing her, but it's working so why stop!?! Origianlly I was using her birthday party as a means to get her potty-trained.....but seriously, this is so much better. Jason is better at it than I am. When she whines that she wants to sleep in "Mommy's bed" Jason will say, "You can, but Noooo Clifford Party. If you want a Clifford Party you have to be a big girl and sleep in your room." She'll try and convince him that one of us should lay with her and "hold" her. He simply tells her that big girls don't need to be held to go to sleep and if she wants a Clifford party she has to sleep by herself in her room, all night. This weekend she came to our room in the middle of the night and Jason simply said, "No Clifford Party" and she ran back to her room and went back to sleep.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Okay so I need a break. I slept really well last night, but it seems as though I’m still dragging! Before lunch, and now after I am finding myself fighting to keep my eyelids open! I even broke from my “diet” and bought a Snickers and Welch’s Grape soda in hopes the sugar would give me a little boost.

Next to lying down on the floor under my desk, I don’t know what to do! When I force my eyes to stay open, they cross! This royally scratches my hide. I hate being tired! I especially hate it after a good night’s rest!

Yesterday Jason took MacKenzy to the Build-A-Bear Workshop in the Mall of America to use up a gift card from Christmas. When they were finished he had to call me to tell me about what MacKenzy had made. He played the sound it made, which was a lion roar, then asked me what kind of animal I thought she made. Now this is where her genes are holding her back…she created a lion roaring puppy. This is certainly something Jason and I would have done as kids…and well, still today. I praise her obscure train of thought, but how at such a young age has she started so soon!

This morning MacKenzy insisted on bringing her puppy to daycare. When proudly she presented her lion-roaring puppy to her teacher, Ms. Liz gave the same look I was ever so familiar with during my formative years. ‘Ahh, that’s nice...’

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The company receptionist e-mails out inspirational quotes everyday. Most days I simply delete them before opening them. It’s not that I don’t appreciate her effort; it’s just that I have enough emails in my inbox each morning to keep me plenty busy through out the day.

Today’s quote kind of got to me though…why I read it, I don’t know so even that is a little freaky.

The quote:"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known."~Garrison Keillor~

The thing is I had a dream last night that pertains to this quote DEAD ON. A little back-story:

First I need to explain that I went to a very small high school. Seventh through twelfth grade were all in the same building, which totaled just over 500 students. Why am I saying this? Well, I want to point out that since it was such a small school there was interaction between all of the grades- more so than if you had a middle school or a senior campus.

The summer before I went into 8th grade I went on a church youth-group trip to St. Louis. On that trip I actually got to know people that weren’t in my social network, or grade. One person in particular was a guy named Matt. He was 3 years ahead of me in school so though I knew who he was, I never really had spoken to him prior to the trip. The next summer the group went to Chicago. This was the summer that started my obsession.

Though Matt was going to be a senior and I only a freshman, we had a great time together. The entire week of the trip we were connected at the hip. Now you may think he’s immature for hanging out with such a young girl, but actually it wasn’t like that at all. Matt and I had fun together, and laughed more than anything. We didn’t ever talk about anything specific, but nonetheless we were comfortable with each other.

By the end of the week our friendship became a little more, but really innocently. No need for details, but really it was incredibly innocent. Once we returned back home we basically went back to our separate social worlds. I’d see him time and again around town, we’d wave and smile but that’s about it. I would have liked to try and see where it would go, but I was too chicken to call him.

When the school year started it was the same; we’d see each other now and again and smile or wave. There was an unspoken relationship that went on for the entire year. Once and awhile I’d bump into him in the empty hall during class time. We’d be alone so we would usually go through the basic, “How’s it going?” dialogue. No matter how badly I wanted to say more, I never did.

In the spring Matt graduated. I can still remember him coming up to me to give me his senior picture. I damn near melted into the floor. The writing on the back melted my heart and I still smile when I think about it.

For the next couple summers Matt came home from college and I’d see him around and just as before, we did our smile and wave. I’d see him during the holidays at church, and once in awhile we’d get a few seconds to say hi, but beyond that we had gone our separate ways.

The spring of my senior year, when I had long given up any hope of anything materializing, Matt’s brother approached me. I knew his brother in passing, but never had spoken to him. I can remember the specifics of the moment down to what I was wearing. He came up and made small talk. The entire time I was thinking, “What is he up to?” And then he said it: “I was talking to Matt last night and he asked me about you. He wanted to know how you were doing and where you were going to school next year.” Lost for words I simply pointed to my sweatshirt that had the University of Minnesota logo on it. “Oh, he was hoping you’d come down to XXXXX so he could see you more often.” My heart sank and I damn near passed out right there on the classroom floor. I hadn’t considered that after all these years he’d still be thinking of me. Whoa. I told Matt’s brother to say hi to him for me and that was that.

The crazy thing is I had considered going to the same school as Matt! They had a great graphic arts program and I had intentions of visiting the school earlier that year. My cousin was actually a student there and I was supposed to stay with her during my visit. Long story short, my cousin dropped out and I never took the trip. I ended up picking the U of M not because it was the best place for me to go, but because it would make my parents proud. Dumb, I know.

Over the last 12 years I’ve seen Matt a few times, and we’ve exchanged our smiles but that’s it. I still remember the day when my mom called to tell me the news, “Matt is getting married.” Though I was engaged to my now husband, my heart sank. It wasn’t as if I was sad that he was getting married, but sad to put an end to the decade long un-affair.

Last Easter Matt, his wife, and daughter happened to be at the same church service. The glances were there, but I could tell he was nervous. We’d never seen each other since we’ve married. As we were standing in the lobby after the service all of the courage I never had over all those years rose up and I walked over to Matt. I just wanted to say hi and show that we were both in a great place in life. I said, “Hi Matt” and stuck out my hand to shake his and a look of panic swept across his face, almost as if he had no idea who I was, so I introduced myself “Amy XXX.” He played as if it he was still sketchy on who I was, when his Dad and younger brother chimed in that they knew who I was. Matt’s Dad said that he and I graduated together, while looking at Matt’s wife. Matt interrupted him to say that I was actually a few years younger…hmm, funny you know who I am now! He then introduced me to his wife and his daughter, and I introduced MacKenzy and pointed out Jason standing on the other side of the lobby with my family. It was mildly awkward, but I had the confidence turned on high and just said hi and that it was nice to see him after all these years…blah blah blah. Walking away from him I was thinking “Yea! I’m done with all of that.”

Okay…so back to the quote and my dream. In my dream last night I dreamt that it was my class reunion and we were doing it along with Matt’s class (which would never happen because it’s not like we’re 5 years apart). Anyway… I was married to Jason in my dream but he wasn’t there for some reason. Matt was alone too. Through out the reunion I tried to get closer to him as to strike up a conversation. Finally after the event was coming to a close he approached me and said, “Can I drive you home so we can talk?” That’s the end of the dream. That’s it! Regardless, it got my head spinning! 1. Why is he popping up in my dreams?2. Where’s my husband…and his wife?3. Why? why? why? why?

While I was getting ready for work this morning I kept thinking of the dream; wondering what I would really do in that situation. And that’s where this quote fits in.

Had I got what I really wanted for all those years, I wouldn’t have what I love the most right now. If all of the pieces of the puzzle wouldn’t have pieced together the way they did, I wouldn’t have met my husband and I wouldn’t be the mother of my incredible daughter. If all of my what-if’s in life would have actually gone the other way, who’s to say I’d be where I am today? I love my husband, and words can’t describe how I feel about MacKenzy and I wouldn’t trade either of them for second. What I do wish… that I would have worked up the nerve to explore the possibilities with Matt- not to change the way things are today, but to have that question answered. For all I know I’ve held this flame for him all these years and we are utter opposites that couldn’t stand to be near each other after a month or two? What if he discovered I’m everything he wouldn’t want in a person….there are so many possibilities!

Well, I don’t get a “do over” and I don’t want one. I just wish I could have a premonition or something, to answer the questions. So now here I sit…thinking, which is a dangerous thing!!!

Friday, March 09, 2007

I want to post a few emails that have been going between my aunt and I over the last two days. It’s basically the family’s dirty laundry, so why would I want to share it? What I’ve learned (so far) in life is that everyone has dirty laundry, and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one!

Before Christmas my uncle John died. John is the eldest of my mom’s side of the family. John never married nor had children. His nieces and nephews were the light of his life. When they started to go through his house the first thing that my mom noticed was that he had a Thank-You card on his coffee table from my youngest brother, Matt. The card was from 3-years ago! Next to the card was the Thank-You from MacKenzy’s birthday part last spring. In his checkbook he carried a picture of MacKenzy.

John lived on disability so it’s not like relatives were coming out of the woodwork to stake their claim. My mom knew he had some investments, but figured it would be used to pay off his debts or bills. No one was sure if John had a will, but a friend of his made mention that he had left everything to my brother Mitchell, as John was his Godfather. From the get-go Mitch made it known that he wouldn’t feel comfortable if that was the case. He would certainly split it up with the other nieces and nephews, even if it was just twenty bucks.

After the funeral I learned that there was not a will and that everything would have to go into probate. In my experience probate can take months to years, so I basically forgot about it.

A few weeks ago one of my cousins emailed me:

‘Amy, What's new?... …Are you working the EMS job and the mortgage job at the same time? I ask because you mother thought it was crazy, why would she say that about u? I spoke to her a couple weeks back after her inheritance was finalized from John. I'm curious, would u split it with her siblings/nieces/nephews? She is and will pay a price for it, I hope it's small, she means a lot to me! Anyway, I guess this makes me sorta of a gossip king but, I'm curious what u think about everything? Do u know how unhappy her siblings are with her choice not to split it up with them? Take Care’

I had no idea what he was talking about and immediately responded with “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT…I know nothing about any inheritance.”

A few days later we spoke and I learned of the drama surrounding the death of my uncle. I talked to my older brother the next evening and he was just as mystified as I was by it all.

Two days later I decided to write a quick e-mail to my aunt to make sure everyone knew, WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON.

So here goes…the chain of e-mails to illustrate how messed up my background is!!!

*********************

Brenda,

Okay so Dan and I are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of the loop that it's not even funny. I seriously just learned about the crap my mom pulled with John's inheritance on Tuesday. Gee, can you say I'm a little slow in finding out?? To make matters worse, I didn't hear it from my mom but from ******** (though he shall remain nameless as my source!). He emailed me asking what I thought of all the John BS and I replied that I had no idea what he was talking about...we talked on the phone Monday night and WOW!

I am SO ashamed. No child should ever have to say that, but it's true. I don't know who she is anymore. The person that did this is not the person that raised me, and certainly not the type of person I associate with.

Tuesday night I spoke with Dan and he was just as mystified as I was. The first question he had, "Are you going to call her out on it?" DAMN STRAIGHT!

The reason I'm writing to you is to let you know that Dan and I just learned of this...and are bothered by it just as much as the rest of the family seems to be. I don't want anyone to think that Dan or I had anything to do with any of this...we are both ashamed to even be in a position for that to be assumed.

I do plan on confronting my mother. If I were to talk her today, it would be the last time for a very long time. I need to cool off a little...but not too much....and then she'll be getting the worse of me. I do not plan to tell her how I found this all out...b/c THAT isn't important.

Love you all!

Amy

*********************

Dear Amy,

I'm sorry this has happened as well. I'm also sorry that you had to hear this second hand and not from your mother. I guess we assumed you knew. But I truly thought about mailing you and asking you where you fit it now.

The family is quite surprised, to say the least, of her actions. This has created an even greater divide in the family, so the saga continues. Sadly. I truly think John probably set up his policy quite a few years ago. He probably put your mom as a beneficiary trusting her to be righteous and fair. That must have been back when they were on speaking terms. Knowing John has spoke highly of ALL of his nieces & nephews, the rest of the family agreed the right thing to do would be to divide it among them to help pay for their education. However being your mom's name is on the policy it stands as a legal document that it is hers to keep. That is what she has decided to do, and there really is no turning back.

So in the end she has written off her family for about $35,000.Gee, now she can pay off a car or remodel the house??

Good luck on this Amy.

Whoever said kids can do the darnedest things?... so can parents!

Love Always,Brenda

*********************Hi Brenda!

I'm very glad to have heard from you. And I do hope you pass the word on to the rest of the clan that Dan and I are 100% on your side of the fence. In every way we are repulsed by her actions.

Over the last couple years Dan and I have really been talking about confronting her on a lot of issues. There has always been that "not quite right" feeling in our relationships with her...but since her illness they have taken a nose dive. We don't know who she is anymore, and do all that we can to avoid her.

Both Mom and Kent have been very controlling over the years. Kent not so much up front, but he'll rag you once he gets a chance. For instance, both of them have a problem with me being on the volunteer ambulance. My mom got on my case when I joined "You're busy enough! You'll get sick if you push yourself too hard...." Oh Shut UP! I'm an adult and can make an adult decision without commentary! There's been times where I'm talking about working a traffic accident out in the sub-zero weather and Kent will say, "Well maybe you just can't hack it." Nothing good to say! I'm volunteering my time for my community (hmm, doesn't Kent do that?) and in turn I get to use my EMS skills!

Dan and I feel as though mom feels she's owed something. Her life has been so off the charts in difficulty that the world should now treat her like a porcelain doll. She doesn't feel the need to go out of her way, because "she's sick." She doesn't have to call and say, "I'm not coming." She'll wait until you call and put on the groggy voice and say that she isn't feeling well. I GET IT, YOU HAD CANCER BUT THE KEYWORD IS 'HAD'...get over yourself! You're alive, so give life a shot!

A year ago when were moving into our house Mom was to take MacKenzy. Plans were to pick her up at the house at 8am, and then bring her home later the next day. At 9am Jason called me wondering where she was...he had a little bored little girl in an empty house. I called and she answered with her sick voice. She said she wasn't feeling well but would leave right away. At 10:15am I called Jason from the apartment to tell him that the movers were done and on their way. Panic screamed through Jason's voice when he said that my mom still wasn't there and now the movers were on their way! I immediately got on the phone but no one answered. I got to the house just after 11am to find Jason in a tizzy, and MacKenzy running around in a freezing cold house (b/c the doors were all open). I picked up my phone and called her...no answer, hang up and dial again, no answer, hang up dial again......again and again until she answered the phone. I went ballistic on her and all she could say, "Well, I told you I was sick."

Instead of hanging up on her I should have said "What about a phone call at 7am saying that you can't do it? Or maybe at 9am when I called!" She called a few days later like nothing was wrong. When I wasn't perky and she could tell I wasn't all that pleased to be on the phone with her she said, "You're not still mad about me not watching MacKenzy?" She tried minimizing the gravity of the situation! I went on a tangent, "You'd freak out if I didn't call to say I was running late for lunch... You did NOTHING! If this would have been a priority on your list, you would have called."

"Well, Amy...I was sick.""Being sick doesn't exempt you from common courtesy!!!" She ended up hanging up on me because apparently she didn't have anything more to say....and then as usual, a week later she acts like everything is A-Ok!

Sorry for the novel, but I wanted to share that with you b/c it proves that her behavior hasn't been on track for awhile. The "I'm sick" excuse has been worn out for a very long time, but she continues to use it. She's even gone as far as to say that Dan and I weren't there for her when she was sick...which couldn't be further from the truth. Just because we weren't there holding her hand everyday doesn't mean were any less of a supporter.

Dan helped with the boys, while I banked vacation time. I had wanted to take days off to sit down at Mayo with her but she 'asked' for me to wait and use it when she got out of the hospital. I had two weeks off to help her, and unfortunately her discharged got extended at the last minute. I had already taken off the time, so I did what I could. I still was at the house...I cooked meals, cleaned, did laundry, and whatever else I could do to make her transition easier.

So now here we are, years later and she's acting as if we were MIA during the entire thing. Ugh!

Dan has said that he'd back me 150%, so my thoughts are to confront her on this issue and see how she handles it. I'm 99% sure it won't go well, but that will only set the stage for the next step. INTERVENTION. Basically like a drug/alcoholic intervention, but this will be a mental intervention. She needs to get help, and stick to it. She needs to treat people as they deserve to be treated...or sorry, we just I need to step back until you figure it out.

I'll let you know what all happens...Amy

*********************

Hi Amy,

I will pass the word on to others.

I want them to here me on this family issue as well, so I have cc'd them in.

I and probably many others, share your frustrations on the word "Mother".

I was born to a mother who was not yet diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression. There has been very many roller coaster rides our immediate family has been on, no thanks to this disorder.

Thank goodness in the 1980's a mood leveling medication was introduced to control the effects of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bipolar etc. and it's other derivatives.These conditions are very genetic. I keep this is mind, because I have concluded it is in our genetics on both Tom's and my side of the family. I have watched myself, and my children closely, due to this and have had talks with them on their families medical history. I am no psychologist , but am very much about awareness and openness, because I do not want my family to struggle when there is help, if they need it.

Even though my mother has doctored all of her life there a still quirky things she does that are thoughtless, selfish, and rude. I chose to write my mother off for at least 2 years, through their divorce after 39 years. She at the time was trying an herbal drug and off of the meds prescribed. Not advisable by any psychologist!

We have rekindled our relationship over the past 5 years. Dad has remarried and we are thrilled to see him finally extremely happy to be married to his best friend.Last Fall I convinced my mom to try a REAL psychologist and quit going back to the family doctor in St. Peter who does NOT specialize in BP and treats her like a lab rat, trying this and that with her meds. No stability in that.I researched a shrink online and found one for her. She has gone to her quite a few times over the past months. Her meds are stable.She called just this week excited to have finally gone to a Bi-Polar Group meeting in Mankato, put on by the clinic. She has been going to alanon for years, who constantly talk of drugs and how no one should take them. This has made her feel like she should quit taking her BP meds! So she had, a few times. UGH!So she is FINALLY understanding that this lack of serotonin disorder is similar to a diabetic not taking insulin. Whew! When you struggle with depression you can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly.

I see similarities in your relationship with your mom. Maybe she has acquired through her cancer treatments, or even genetically, with age, depression, which can come on, but like I said I am no doctor. When one struggles with depression they can cyclically struggle with feeling tired, crabby, and sickly. It's easy to bring on the POOR me line.

I don't recommend writing your mom off at this point. I've done it. It's a long haul of awkward, uneasy, frustrating emotions. YES, even worse than how you are feeling about her now. Every holiday, family event, birthday, etc. it's a dragging question, "Should we invite mom?" Of course you should, because she's your mom and then the guilt ways heavy.Even with as much frustration she has caused you, I have found that if you can call her on the rug on it immediately, and carry on, it's better for you emotionally. In a month or 4, she'll do something again that bugs you, deal with it with her, and keep on. Family members are loved unconditionally, for the most part.

So I recommend you don't do write her off. Consider the idea that maybe she does have some depressive issues, help her realize it, if she doesn't already. Ask her to share what she is doctoring for. Flat out ask her if she is taking an anti-depressant.If you truly think she needs more help, you may want to suggest it. If she values her kids’ relationships, she may consider it.

Clear the air with her on this issue of John's and carry on the best you & Dan both can.

Keeping my distance seems to work for me. So I also understand the avoidance you feel necessary. It seems the less information my mom knows about myself or the family, the less stories she can assume about us. She still does this.

Go about your good deeds girl. Do what you love!

Take Care,Brenda

*********************

Brenda,

I know for a fact that she's been on anti-depressants over the years, and I'm pretty sure she's taking them. I think she needs a drug consult! Over the years you have to switch it up...higher dosage or new drug.

I started taking anti-depressants in 2000 after having a melt down at work contemplating my boss coming to work. For weeks I had to sleep sitting up because my chest was so tight, I couldn't talk straight (mumbled), my thoughts were two conversations ahead of me, eating made me feel sick, and breathing was a chore. I had hit a bottom and didn't realize it. Then one day I had the breakdown in the office and it was like a light turned on in my head, "This isn't right." I went to my Dr the same day. After I told her what was all going on she grabbed an Anxiety pamphlet and read it...word for word it was me. It took awhile, but I started feeling a lot better within a month or so. Over the years I had to change up my medications when I didn't feel like myself.

This summer I came to the realization that something wasn't right. I was doubling up on my medication and it wasn't helping. I found that I would dread being home alone with MacKenzy, like it was too labor intensive. All I wanted to do was sleep, and my mood swings were monstrous!

I went back to my doctor and she suggested that I go to a Psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. I met with him once and he suggested that I see a therapist on top of working with him. Can I say this? I love my therapist! She is incredible! I always knew I should go talk to someone, but felt that if I admitted that it was a sign of weakness or looking for the "poor Amy." I had always imagined that it would be a cry-fest and I'd be twice as miserable. After my first session with my therapist it was like a new person was born.

My therapist works closely with the Psychiatrist and so far so good.

In therapy I have come to terms with who my mom is and I've decided that she raised me to be a good person, but I have to work every day to be a better person. We've barely cut the surface when it comes to my Mom but I have defined her in one word: Irrational. She has irrational expectations of people and she justifies her own behavior irrationally. Once I came to that realization it was like WAH-LAH! To work at being stronger I distanced myself from her. When she calls and says, "What have you been up to?" my answer is CENSORED! I've also learned that standing up to her doesn't necessarily mean I have to include screaming. Subtle and firm. The first time that I did it I was damn near jumping up and down.

I'm not perfect either...I've taken myself off my medications before too. Not wise! I'd be fine for about a week (if I was lucky) and then EVERYTHING would start pissing me off. My blood would boil for the most ridiculous reasons. Some time or another the light turned back on and said "TAKE YOUR MEDS YOU IDIOT!" After a day or two I'd be back to myself again. I too have justified my medication as a need, not a luxury. If I don’t want to be that dark and miserable person, I have to take my medications. There's nothing wrong with ME as a person, I just need help. And that's ok. I have also got to remember and give myself praise for realizing I needed help, and was strong enough to ask for it. Many people aren't so lucky.

With that said...yes, the Weber's have a strong ripple effect when it comes to depression. I think and hope the fact that Depression (etc.) is no longer something to be ashamed of and is out in the open, the younger generations will do better.

MacKenzy

It"s All About Me!

I have a three year old daughter husband of five years. We live in a small town just on the outskirts of the Minneapolis Metro Area.
My husband is a full-time Fire Fighter/EMT and works a crazy schedule. I work for a large scale builder in the Operations Department, a volunteer with an ambulance service, and attempt to keep some order in our lives.
Oh, and we have a psychotic black lab named Ozzy...don't get me started.

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Tawk the Talk

What American accent do you have?

Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."