One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Zane: The Redneck

Last one! *flings off top* This is Zane and he has a tattoo on his neck. Zane was the first Survivor to accept my friend request on Facebook, but I sent him a message and he never replied so... the hell with him! Just kidding. I have no idea what Grand Master Zane is all about yet, but he looks fun, doesn't he? He looks like he should be at the top of a building with an assault rifle shooting ducklings at a neighboring park. Sweet.

Oh Christ. His inspiration is the Lord. Roxy was exempt, but Zane is not! This 28 year old tire repair person (???) loves Jesus, but hates ice cream sprinkles. We're both from the Commonwealth of Virginia, but I actually like ice cream sprinkles. I especially like them floating at the top of my tumbler of gin while I throw darts at my Jesus dartboard. Zane, like Roxy, says he identifies most with Lil Hantz and if we thought Lil Hantz was crazy, we ain't never seen nothin' yet. Oh joy.

Zane has chosen to compete on Survivor because he wants to own his own tow truck. He plans to get everyone in his tribe to work for him and he says he'll win because he has the "gift of gab". He can talk to both Presidents and crackheads. What a gifted fellow.

I was told I'd enjoy this one so... please to enjoy with me:

*pushes pause immediately* Oh. My. God. Oh my god! What did he just say? No, for real. I couldn't understand a word of that. He's ah-mazing. *presses play again* Bless him. No wonder he never wrote me back. He was too busy down the holler gettin' water from the well so them hounds could drink sumthin' wit their supper. You know how much I love a redneck. Especially when you can't understand a word they say and they teach me about things like "cat heads". I just know his old lady smokes 3 packs a day and cooks meth out back in the shed. I may not care for Jesus as much Zane does, but I can admit when I've been given a blessing. Thank you God.

So, what do you think of Zane? You want to shoot things with him and have squirrel for dinner, don't you?

That's it for me until tomorrow. I'm protesting returning Survivors by refusing to write about them because I'm a rebel and I stand for something. Also, I'm just really really lazy. The recap will be up LATE tomorrow, but it will be up. Be sure you friend me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter. I'll update as soon as the blog is ready. Take care bitches!

Hmm... I'm not altogether impressed by this cast Lala. Lacks a little charisma. Maybe one of the girls will turn out to be a manipulative, strategic villainess (RC? Abi-Maria?) but I fear you may bear a disproportionate amount of responsibility for my enjoyment of S25. It's not my fault - blame the casting people. Hopefully I'll be wrong and this season will be entertaining as hell, but if not then I expect you to provide at least one laugh per blog.

Succeed and I will faithfully "show a girl some love" when the time comes. Fail and I will insist you edit my unpublished novel titled "Fifty Shades of Grey Nazi Uniforms".

Sample passage:

He was astonished by how much greyer this uniform was than her previous uniform... if only she knew how aroused he was by this particular shade. Suddenly erect, he became aware of his tumescence. "Would she notice?" he wondered. Then, an answer - "Achtung!" she shouted, pointing her riding crop...

I can't condone quitting, not when there's drucken orgies to be had. Next time just write about the show you see in your Gin soaked brain. Bound to be more entertaining than the show we got. Although Dan did not win, reason enough for an epic party and blood sacrifice!

about halfway through the episod about halfway through the episode I pegged Zane for a Russell Hantz. I've seen every single episode of Survivor, in the beginning of the game you nee you need strength no not skimmers. And secondly if you don't want to go home never intentionally throw yourself underneath the bus

I thank that there book learning thang got the best of him. I've never saw nobody fail so confidently! It was hilarious! "I gots a plan ill point out all my weakness and ask to be voted out like an evil genus! Maybe thay could bring him back as the Mascot or if they need some tires fixt.