Saturday, February 9, 2013

I have reprinted the lyrics because I've got a hunch that vid isn't going to be there too awful long. Heh.

Fuck Me In The Ass Because I Love Jesus

..to live by God's rule
So whatever people tell me that the Bible tells me, I will do
Walk the halls of my school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I've got my morals in check
It was easy to do till I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he's cute as heck
And I made a pact
To keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight
Never learned about the birds and bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
Because the Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can't wait that long
And I don't want to lose him
To someone who'll do him
I need to figure something out
Well, there's a loophole in the scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It's my hail Mary full of grace
In Jesus' name, we go to fifth base
Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I'm not a godless whore
He'll have to come in the back door
Therefore
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
It's the sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It's just between you and me
Because everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
It's hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maidenhead
So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come
Oops!
I mean let's join our souls
And unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God
Whatever you do, don't touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan's doorbell, God can't ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
Because birth control's for sluts, and it's a sin
I've emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I'm ready for romance
I'm praying to the power that's the highest
But of all of my holes, this one's the driest
And we can't procreate if we anally copulate
And God's OK with sodomy, but only if you're straight
And I'm staying pure no matter what
So I'm OK with everything but
Everything but
Everything butt
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of throbbing rationalization
It's just between you and me
Because everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
I do whatever the Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they're unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest, I live by for sure
So let's not talk about how the good book
Bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays
Because those parts don't count of course
Let's cherry pick the part about losing my cherry
And ? for ambiguities and omissions
And circumvent any real sacrifice
And still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions
And don't you dare question my convictions
And don't look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction
It's the only way to measure if you're good or not
And when you're in a debate, just say to have faith
Because when up against logic it's the only card you've got
So close your eyes
Take a deep breath
And
Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus
The good lord would want it that way
Give me that sweet sensation of irrational rationalization
It's just between you and me
Because everyone knows it's the sex that God can't see
Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
So sometimes you need to think outside the box

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Tea Partiers rightly ask what Rove and his rich-as-Croesus American Crossroads super PAC have gotten for conservatives or even the GOP. Rove is a master tactician, but not necessarily a great judge of political horseflesh. His taste tends to run to rich guys who can pay him a lot -- which worked out well only in the case of W., and then only by skin of Justice Antonin Scalia's ("get over it") teeth.

Now come the likes of senators such as Ted Cruz of Texas and Rand Paul of Kentucky to challenge him: smart, angry and anti-establishment conservatives who loath the country club types and who want to remake the Republican Party in their own uncompromisingly isolationist, anti-governmental, anti-social-welfare and anti-tax image.

Deep-dyed conservatives have a right to ask the Roves of the world what the establishment GOPers have done to erase the debt, limit the reach of the federal government or enhance a libertarian view of the world. The answer, to the Rand Pauls of the world, is simple: nothing.

The party of Paul, Sen. Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, Gov. Rick Scott of Florida and many others is a throwback to the nativism and principled know-nothing-ism of conservatives whom the likes of William F. Buckley and Ronald Reagan purged from the party long ago, making it safe for the Roves of the world to advance.

It took the likes of Buckley and Reagan two decades to rid the GOP and the mainstream conservative movement of the John Birchers, ultra-isolationists and flat-out segregationists and to create a party and a platform that would win a national election.

Now leaders and potential leaders such as Cruz (a rising force to be reckoned with) and Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida need to perform the same cleansing task -- and will probably have to take on the Paulites (who are paranoid conspiracy theorists at heart) to do it.

The war for the soul of the Republican Party is real, deep and reminiscent of that earlier conflict. For the GOP it ended well: they harnessed the energy at the grassroots to take over Washington.

This equally bitter GOP civil war may end in the party's revival, too. But it won't be Rove, or one of his clients, who is able to end it.

He's done.

Howard, I hope you're right. I volunteer to stick a fork in him as many times as it takes to make sure.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

If it's Wednesday it must be Morford on the sins of The Church and why it's even still around.

Could this be the grand finale? The glorious death knell for the ugliest portions of organized religion and its relentless, impressive beat-down of the stubborn female species for lo these past 2,013 years? Can we at least hope?

This much we know: Here in the stumbling, fumbling first world, where minorities have suddenly become the majority, gay marriage is increasingly no big deal, sexually awake women are surging into leadership roles like never before and the scales of influence have tipped away from frightened white males, organized religion is somehow looking even more dangerously, even cruelly out of touch and hostile to all that is beautiful, positive and worthwhile in the world....

It all points to the most intriguing possibility of all: Two millennia into the church’s brutish rule of guilt, shame, abuse and fear of anything with an active vagina, we might finally be at a point where organized religion is hammering the final nails into its own coffin. Or perhaps refusing to remove all those it put there 2,000 years ago. Whichever....

I know, it ain’t over yet. The GOP’s relentless war on women, abortion rights and contraception continues to repulse millions. And the church isn’t about to vanish completely. Besides, let’s be fair: organized religion still offers some balm, even to women: community support, a respite from the chaos, a rich connection to faith, ministering to the poor (that would be the nuns), a place to fully indulge in one’s spiciest daddy issues, all steeped in hazy devotion and murky tradition. Just because that tradition includes centuries of sexual abuse, shame, and the ongoing subjugation of women, just because the Catholic church itself no longer allows its priests to be alone with children, doesn’t mean it has nothing left to offer. But it’s close.

Not close enough. There's more but what amazes me is how young Mark
managed to pen a whole screed on the Catholic Church without once using the phrase "medieval bullshit".

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A 54-year-old Tacoma man has been arrested for allegedly driving his car into a Pacific Gas & Electric worker in Fresno, trapping the man between two vehicles. According to a witness, Jett Simmons claimed to be the reincarnation of Jesus Christ before making racially charged threats and ramming his car into the PG&E worker. The witness—a hitchhiker “from Dogtown” by way of West Virginia named Kai (that it—just Kai)—says that after Simmons rammed the man, he got out of the car and tried to smother a bystander with a bear hug. That’s when Kai sprung into action and hit the 6’4″, 290-pound Simmons on the head with a hatchet. Once, twice, thrice. In the aftermath of the ordeal, the victim asked not to be identified and said that he only hopes his assailant gets the help he needs.

Kai, meanwhile, gave the greatest interview in the history of television news. Peep the full, NSFW version [above].(Below - G)

Tech company forced to repay Mexican workers after getting caught paying them in pesos

A California tech firm that boasts Gen. Colin Powell as a board member was ordered to pay more than $60,000 in back wages and penalties after the U.S. Department of Labor found it had paid a group of tech workers from Mexico less than $3 an hour in pesos for two years.

...you’d be well advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because its awards season and golden- plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion.

THE HEAD IN THE SAND LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre.

THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL WE’RE ALL COVERED IN A FINE RED MIST AWARD. Another tie: Senators Lindsay Graham & John McCain who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel’s role in Benghazi....

And finally, THE CONTINENT OF ATLANTIS AWARD. For the fastest most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging.

Monday, February 4, 2013

One of the sure markers of the paranoid mind is the urge to keep lists. In particular, lists of enemies, subversives, no-goodniks; the pestilential nuisances, as Sir W.S. Gilbert famously put it, who never would be missed. It virtually goes without saying that the keepers of such lists are always the bullies who survive by fomenting hatred and making sure that their constituents stay in a state of constant agitation. And so it was no surprise to learn over the weekend, via Josh Marshall, that the National Rifle Association has a little list of 497 people and organizations who are in some way, shape, or form anti-gun. It makes for hilarious reading, although it’s sort of frightening to think about the demented minds of the people who assembled it.

Go see the list. Some of your favorite people and organizations are on it.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

The "nervous disorder" that got LaPee-air his draft deferment during Vietnam has apparently metastasized into total mind-control paranoid delusion.

Note to Wayne: Don't worry, sole occupant of "Wayne's World", those boys in the white coats with the big net aren't there for your guns. They're there for you. Heh.

And as they lead you gently away in the lovely canvas jacket with the really long sleeves, content yourself with knowing you were right about one thing: flouridating the water actually worked on the Dead End Quarter. Heh.

Gordon

Fixer

Followers

Get the Brain in your Inbox

Brain Search

Masthead Art

"... That's US here at the Brain! Sittin' all alone out in the cold, thanklessly freezin' our beboops off, lookin' for a chance to lob a few at the enemy and praying for a secondary explosion, wonderin' if it's all worth it or if it will make any difference in the scheme of things ..." - Gordon