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Sunday, January 29, 2006

a significant portion of No Joy In '06 involves overhauling my apartment. and THAT, sadly but surely, includes organizing my closets*.

and, seeing as january is almost over, i decided to actually START on the closet overhaul last weekend, thinking it would be a two-hour project.

two. hours.

HA! my closet laughed in the face of two hours.

i mean, every time i took a box of things out of my closet, another box would sprout in its place. "stuff" seemed to fiendishly multiply until it looked like my closet had thrown up on my livingroom:

(click for larger)

yeah no, not so much two hours.

anyway! while i am not QUITE done** putting everything back into some semblance of order, the point is that i have stumbled upon a lot of...things.

things from my past, like pictures and letters and stories and tokens, that (frankly) i would like to share.

and so i have decided that, um, i will!

because i figure we all have these sorts of memories (and memory triggers) -- funny things, sad things, plain things, special things, things that remind us of where we've been and how we've changed and how parts of us will always be the same -- so why not share 'em?

perhaps you'll consider doing the same.

*i almost said "REorganizing" but realized that would imply that my closets were, at least once, actually organized. and we all know perfectly well that the day i moved in i threw tons of crap into my closet and pretended it was "organized" because boxes -- the contents of which i'd be hard-pressed to identify -- were "stacked."

**i anticipate being "done" with the complete apartment overhaul by 2009. unless i move first.

Friday, January 27, 2006

(note: when i first typed out the title, i accidentally wrote "The Elvis Of Dress Shopping." i'm not sure what that might be, but it sounds kind of fun and sequin-y. this entry, however, is neither about fun nor sequins. well, at least not directly about sequins.)

so a couple good friends of mine are getting married. and while god knows i could wax pseudo-prophetic on THAT topic (because weddings are emotional and meaningful and also raise lots of questions in my head about what modern marriage is, and how it does and doesn't work, and also isn't it amazing how people come together, and wow, life is unpredictable and hmmm, will i ever marry again and if so under what circumstances?), i have a more pressing concern. namely, what the hell i'm going to wear.

i don't really have a lot of dress-up clothes. i have clothes that are nice enough to go clubbing* in, and some silly/fun things to wear for occassions like new year's** but nothing i'd consider nice enough for a wedding.

and this -- of course -- means i have to go shopping for a dress, which -- of course -- is nothing short of agonizing.

i mean, shopping just for regular clothes is difficult enough. i am not even CLOSE to the weight i want to be and i HATE buying clothes for my current size. every time i buy something that fits me now it's like admitting defeat. i feel like each article of clothing is a big proclamation of how much i weigh AND a reminder of how long it takes to lose weight.

[uh, not that there's a viable alternative. much as i'd like to, i can't have a closetful of clothes that will fit me in six months and nothing to wear in the meantime. because even though that would be AWESOME motivation, there'd be that bizarre matter of having to, essentially, call in fat for work.

"um, hi, yeah...no, i won't be coming in for at least 20 more weeks....well, see, i wasn't working hard enough on losing weight so i threw out all my old clothes...yes, all of them...uh huh, right. no, but i bought all new ones!...so as soon as i drop another few sizes i'll be back...yeah, just keep my desk warm..."]

but shopping for a special-occassion dress is even worse. because a special-occassion dress isn't just something to throw on, it's something that's supposed to make you look and feel beautiful.

that's beautiful. not hidden by a shapeless sack with shoulder pads.

and here's where i start to get shrill.

becase why? WHY are the selections of dresses for sizes 14 (and up) so god-awful? i do NOT get it.

i mean, sure -- i essentially want a dress that will make me look, oh, you know, four sizes smaller. and that's maybe a little ridiculous and my burden to bear, fine. i get that dresses can only do so much.

but THAT said, i have to wonder what the designers and stores are thinking.

for example? dress makers seem not to understand that if i am a size 14 (or up) i probably have a lot of boob. (and for the record, i do. a LOT.)

so like, this style? pretty!

but where do you suggest i put my breasts? shall i just lay them out on top?

seriously. if i wore this dress i would need an entirely separate top.

and uh, speaking of tops...

why on earth are designers hell-bent on showing off women's upper-arm flab? I don't want to see it! YOU don't want to see it! NO ONE wants to see it! so why Why WHY do like, 90% of women's dresses have spaghetti straps and/or no straps at all?

consider:

in the first place, not ONLY is one's ENTIRE upper-body area on display, but those teeny tiny straps don't even hold the bust area up ON THE MANNEQUIN. look at it! the dress is SAGGING ON THE MANNEQUIN. exactly what 14+ sized human would you suggest we plop into this dress, huh?

oh, and then.

then we have waist issue. i happen to have a waist, see, and while it is not as small as it once was, it IS smaller than my hips and bustline. and for this i would like acknowledgement.

not trickery.

i do not understand the thought process here, but clearly this dress is trying to trick you into believing that the waist is the area located directly below your boobs.

interesting!

see, it has been my experience that my waist is in a very different place than my upper ribcage. and when i pretend that my waist is located just south of the boobage, all that happens is i end up looking pregnant.

and i don't know about you, but i do not enjoy the prospect of showing up at my friends' wedding only to have people ask me when i'm due.

another huge problem i have -- and this one i can't really fault the dress people for, even though i will -- is that i'm short. and so when i wear a dress that is supposed to hit "just below the knee" it actually hits me mid-calf. you know, right where the calf is largest. so instead of being able to show off my not-so-shabby legs, dresses tend to make my legs look way bigger than they are.

i usually evade his problem by wearing skirts, and (hi, confession time) hiking them allllll the way up so that the waistband is just under my brastrap. (sexy!)

the problem with separates, however, is that the formal ones -- ones nice enough for a wedding, say -- seem like they're made for matronly mothers-of-the-groom.

just ew.

really. formal separates need to get a life.

anyway, the point is (mostly) that even when a dress seems to fit all the basic requirements -- no breast spillage, no upper-arm exposure, waist at waistline, not too long -- it is made of SUPER CLINGY material.

of all the plus-size dress mysteries, this one takes the wedding cake.

are dressmakers and designers SO out of touch with the average woman that they don't know most of us aren't cellulite-free?

um, hi. just because i do not want to hide my body in some toga-like floor-lengthed "wrap" concoction does not mean i want the entire world to see where, exactly, down to the itty-bitty molecule, i am carrying excess weight.

i want to accentuate my curves, not my lumps.

i mean really. can you imagine? and horizontal stripes to boot!? in a 14!?

whatEVER.

although...

just when i thought it maybe couldn't get any more ridiculous, i found this dress:

this little number is -- uh huh -- an actual dress and it is only available in a size 16.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

my original post, below, has garnered so many negative comments from so many people who TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT that i feel the need to explain. again.

the point is that when i FIRST saw/heard of/read SK, my kneejerk reaction was childish. i spent all of 3 seconds summing her up and deciding i was jealous (among other things). and not until i posted about her did i ever bother to spend more than a few seconds actually evaluating my feelings.

and when i did, i saw how ridiculous i was being.

because i do NOT feel like the dorky band geek anymore, and i do NOT behave as one anymore.

but i realized that for me to be jealous of her meant i WAS behaving like a high schooler. whoops. stupid. my mistake.

thus, i apologized for my reverting. i KNOW that my being jealous does me and my adulthood and my blog and my life and my IIFs a disservice.

and i published the thing on the idea that other people might have also reverted.

THAT was the point.

so i will say now what i almost never say: if you don't like what i write, please move on.

and if you think that telling me i was better/funnier "before" is in any way helpful or constructive, you may feel free to move on as well.

because i am.

******************************i appreciate that you came here to see what was up, and am impressed* that you took the time to comment as you did. thank you, both for your consideration and your encouragement.

the blogosphere is a funny and small world, huh?

anyway, um, i thought i might say some fairly embarrassing things now so that it's all out on the table and we're all clear about what's what.

hi, me? sometimes i may as well be 15. because -- as in this case -- i see you, i read you, i read about you, and i think i know exactly who you are.

and that would be the Homecoming Queen.

yeah.

i mean, without even realizing it, that is definitely how i've come to think of you. and so by default, well... if i'm thinking of you as the Homecoming Queen, then i am also thinking of me in a regressive way. i see what you are, and unintentionally revert to my own high-school-like feelings of inadequacy and jealousy (since i most certainly was NOT the Homecoming Queen).

and that jealousy takes on a couple different forms.

when i am being rational, and not in subconscious high-school mode, my jealousy is pretty basic. it's jealousy of your book, of your acclaim, of your success. i KNOW you work hard for it all. i never meant to imply you didn't or don't still. and i absolutely know that if that's what i want, i have to work hard, too. (and i am.) it's just that you did it first and you did it really well, and so i cannot help but harbor a huge sense of "ooh, i SO wish i'd done that. i hope i still can."

you know, sort of in the same vein as thinking of a brilliant invention only to discover someone else thought of it first, patented it, and is living well off the royalties. and truth be told, i feel that way about most published authors in this genre. even though i know that if i haven't done it (yet) i really have no one to blame but myself.

um, however.

it is a LOT easier to blame others. especially when one of the others is the Homecoming Queen.

which brings us back to the non-rational, high-school-inspired jealousy. because you being the HQ makes it very, very easy for me to forget the "i have no one to blame but myself" part and indulge in the "oh yeah? what's so great about HER?" line of thinking.

and if that's what i revert to, then i may as well be a whiney band geek again, sitting in the corner of study hall with my other band geek friends, pointing out all the things wrong with the Homecoming Queen's outfit today and assuaging my bruised ego by saying, "sure, she may have THIS and THAT and THAT and THIS, but at least I don't blah blah blah..."

and i swear, i'm not in high school anymore.

no, really.

so anyway. thanks again for stopping by and for offering kind words. because if nothing else -- blogger to blogger -- you are a trailblazer.

Monday, January 23, 2006

but in the true spirit of No Joy in '06, i told myself i couldn't chicken out anymore. stand-up is something i want to really try, really pursue, really make an effort at. (frankly, if i'm going to fail i want it to be because i'm not good, not because i didn't try.)

it still terrifies me.

i still want to stall on doing open mics, and when and if i DO get up the nerve to do an open mic, i want to not tell anyone and just do it in my own private way until i can guarantee i'm good.

but it doesn't work like that. and i'm never going to get better if i don't perform. and this is the year of forcing myself to do what i know i should be doing. what i know, deep down, i need to be doing.

so now, instead of hiding, i'm doing the opposite -- in genuine "She Walks" fashion. i'm blogging about it so that i hold myself accountable.

and thus...

*big breath*

I will be performing in an open mic this Friday night in San Francisco. The show begins at 6 p.m. and is free!

I will also be performing in my "grad" show on Saturday night. That show is also at 6 p.m. and is also free.

[so, um, what have we got to lose, right?]

I hereby invite any and all of you to come out and support! I promise nothing in the way of quality, but would love Love LOVE to see a friendly face or two. Plus you can BYO! And I promise to do the same for you when it's your turn.

Friday, January 20, 2006

not only is she gorgeous and managing a ginormous book deal (and i believe is now writing a sitcom, uh huh), but...well...i dunno.

i guess it's just that i don't want to compare myself and i don't want to be envious, but i do and i am. for reasons that are probably completely self-explanatory, though not entirely shallow (just mostly).

and i don't say this to try and earn your sympathy or praise, really. it just is what it is.

* * * * *

IN OTHER NEWS, i have returned Fridget Jones I whence she came. i am expecting a replacement now. i'm not sure what she shall be named, but i am simply thinking Fridget Jones Junior, because i like saying "fridget"* and she could have the nickname JJ.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

just worried said... ...K - you have your full name on your site..would it be safer to not show your real last name???

i have thought about this, and have wondered -- safer how? i don't mean to tempt fate, but i have given this a lot of consideration and don't really understand how this is "unsafe."

i mean, if people really want to stalk me (with good or bad intentions), i think it wouldn't be too hard to do, with or without my last name posted. especially as i have my photo up.

but is the likelihood of stalking really that great? are there really people who would find this blog and decide they'd need to find me and cause me harm? i guess maybe, i just don't really think so.

consider she-who-shall-not-be-named-because-i'm-so-jealous-of-her-i-cannot-speak. SHE has her first and last name posted, and it's her calling card. everyone who reads her blog knows she hangs out in NYC, and where her favorite spots are. she has her picture taken at every opportunity and has landed on Page 6 plenty of times. and she? she has a big ole' book contract and SITCOM coming out based on her life. thus, she's way more well known (just because of her blog) and has always had her name posted.

on another note, i find it interesting that someone would warn me against posting my first and last name, but no one has ever warned me about being a single woman living alone in a city. i'm not saying i don't know how to take care of myself, i'm just saying that all odds considered, i've got a lot more to be worried about walking to and from the bus than i do of posting my name online.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

so again, waaaaaaaay back in 2005, do you know what i would have done with a broke-down fridge?

yes, of course you do. i would have left it under my desk for all eternity. it would have become a rather expensive shelf, and when, someday, i'd be forced to move, i would leave it there and claim no knowledge of it.

[oh, and by the way: poor P's lunch had nothing to do with Fridget's illness! P has been grieving the loss as much as i. she was a good a friend to Fridget, and i cannot condone mocking her during this period of mourning.]

but not THIS year. nosirreeboy.

THIS year i called them and am getting my return label and am going to ship it back and get a replacement because (and you can quote me on this) what are the chances i'd get TWO defective fridgets?

in the meantime, i will just eat my non-cold bread and peanut butter and my non-cold apple and drink my non-cold water and be proud that i have not let this sudden loss derail me from my NJ06 plans.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

please forgive the hurried nature of this update, but i have rather disturbing and urgent news:

fridget jones is dead.

yes, you read that right.

she...

frankly, i never saw it coming. when i left her on friday afternoon all was well. she was perfectly happy and healthy. but when i walked in yesterday morning, she was making this god-awful hacking-crying sound. and i opened her and she was all feverish and melty.

i don't know what sort of disease she caught, but i'm afraid that she has had to be put to sleep.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

yesterday afternoon, my coworker P* asked, very sweetly, if she might keep some soup in Fridge. i said of course (and was happy to have something -- anything -- in it since that's what it's for and also i'm wasting electricity).

then this morning after the gym, i bought some sparkling water and an apple just so i'd have something to keep in there.

and when i mentioned this to my pod-mates, P said: "well, i didn't want to take up too much space in Fridget,** but if you really don't mind, i could put my whole lunch in there." which of course made me very happy.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

i cannot imagine reading updates on my "No Joy In '06" will be entertaining in any way, shape, or form. but i've decided to write them *anyway* because it helps me feel more accountable. and like my progress (or lack thereof) is real and measurable and trackable.

so!

so far so good.

for the first week of No Joy In '06, i fared pretty well. i didn't make any miraculous changes, but i made some baby steps in the right direction.

now, no. i didn't go to the gym. i knew enough to reserve that for week two of the plan (or NJ06-w2). and by "knew enough" i mean i know better than to try and change everything all at once. to return to work after a long absence and return to eating healthy and return to a hectic schedule all in one week is enough. to try and add going to the gym to that, right off the bat, would seem like too much.

but i DID buy a new battery for my iPod. and that is not unrelated at all. i have been using a stand-in mp3 player at the gym because my iPod's battery doesn't really work anymore and hasn't for months. and i can't work out without music. but my stand-in isn't working now, either. so without a functioning mp3 player, i have no incentive to go to the gym. thus, as part of the NJ06 plan (here = not putting off important tasks for no good reason), i finally bought a replacement battery. yay!

another big part of NJ06 is my idea that i'm going to bring my lunch to work with me. and this means buying groceries and making lunches ahead of time and actually bringing them into work, along with healthy snacks and stuff, too.

a novel idea, no?

well, yes, except i realized that the communal fridge at work is always overflowing with stuff. which makes me hesitant to want to bring my lunch, let alone a week's worth of snacks and things.

so i figured out how to fix that problem: i went ahead and bought myself a mini-fridge for my workspace!

meaning i have a fridge being delivered to me at work. and now i will have my own little place to keep all the healthy stuff i want. and i feel good about this because i know that waaaaaaay back there in '05, buying a mini-fridge would be something i'd think about but never actually do.

moving on.

eating-wise i did great. i'm essentially following a genericized south beach diet (phase II), which to me means:

cutting way back on carbs (cutting them out as much as possible)

when eating carbs, trying to only eat the "good" ones (like those in whole grains and beans and low-sugar fruits)

avoiding processed foods as much as possible -- the more natural, the better

being aware, in general, of caloric intake and keeping it reasonable

drinking less as a general rule, and not ever drinking anything sugary/high-carb (like beer)

and this week i did just fine. i was especially proud of myself last night when, after a healthy dinner and a couple* drinks with PinkJaime, i met up with Ish and went to a late-night diner with him and a friend. and even though it was late and i'd been drinking and there were french fries at my disposal, i had a diet coke.

so to recap NJ06-w1: prepped gym equipment. prepped workspace. stuck to eating plan. "did" a load of laundry. even got some absolutely necessary body work done. and resumed my comedy classes (so hard and scary!). and blogged a whole bunch.

from the onset, i’ve had a really tough time knowing how to go about writing about Ish. i mean, i write about him in a general sense, but don’t provide a lot of specifics.

[actually, that’s true about just about everyone: i feel that it’s fair for me to write about…well…me…because I’m crazy and know it and whatever. but writing about other people, even in relation to me? that’s tricky.]

with Ish, it’s especially tricky. it’s hard for me to discuss my thoughts and feelings about him without giving context. but the problem with “context” is that that's his personal stuff: his background, his experiences, his life. and if he’s not broadcasting his stuff to the blogosphere, who am i to do so for him? (even if that's just a by-product.)

so yeah. tricky. i mean, where is the line? where does it surpass writing about me and my stuff and become writing about him and his stuff?

i’m not sure i know where that line is, but i have tried hard not to cross it.

and then i totally misstepped.

anyway.

all's well that ends well (and all's just fine and dandy), so i return us now to our regularly scheduled programming of bathroom shenanigans and breezy elegance and progress reports on No Joy In '06.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

this morning i went to go to the bathroom on my floor of the building, but when i got there it was full. so i decided to go up one floor and make use of the 4th floor ladies' room.

but as i was on my way, i realized i was kind of embarrassed to be visiting the 4th floor for no reason other than going to the bathroom.

so i decided i wanted to make it look like i was headed to the 4th floor for some Official Business Stuff and not just to use the potty. and i decided this could be accomplished by taking the stairs up, and then the elevator -- located in the opposite direction -- down. that way, i only walk by the 4th floor people by the stairs once.

and if they only see me walk by once, then surely i must be on their floor for some important reason.

(do not question NJ06 low-cal reasoning.)

so i walked to the bathroom, and then walked out the opposite way and was waiting for the elevator thinking my plan was pretty well executed.

until the elevator door opened and there was someone in it, which complicated matters.

because, even though i have a perfectly legitimate* reason for taking the elevator from the 4th floor to the 3rd floor, i still feel stupid for doing so. i can't very well explain why i'm not taking the stairs, you know?

uh, hi, coworker i don't know! sorry to get on the elevator and get off one floor down and interrupt your going to the lobby. i know it's only one floor and i should take the stairs, but you see, i CAN'T take the stairs because the people who sit near the stairs will see me and they will know i was only on their floor for like, three minutes and they will therefore figure out that the only reason i was there was to use the ladies' room and then they'll hate me.

right. i can't say that.

so instead, i got on the elevator and pretended that i, too, was headed down to the lobby.

oh hey, coworker i don't know! you're going all the way down to floor one? cool! me too!

but then on my way down to the 1st floor, i realized i didn't have a plan for what to do once i got there. i had no money on me so i couldn't purchase anything from the coffee stand. worse, i didn't have my security badge on me (so if i got off te elevator i wouldn't be able to get back on it since the badge is required to get on the elevators from the first floor).

thankfully, by the time we reached the lobby, i'd had an idea. i realized that if the person on the elevator with me hears that i don't have my badge on me, she will understand that i could not get off on the first floor without first retrieving it!

so when the elevator stopped at the lobby and my coworker started to get off, i pretended like i was getting off, too. but then! i cleverly touched my pocket where my badge would normally be and then feigned surprise. i exclaimed, "oh, i forgot my badge!" and stepped back on to the elevator.

and while i'm pretty sure she didn't hear me, or care, whatever. i managed to safely return myself to the third floor.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

thank you to all of you who sent me emails asking if i was okay because where the hell are my blog entries.

thanks especially to Oaktown J who coined the phrase "blogligation." as in, "why haven't you been posting? you have a blogligation!"

nice, huh?

and you know, he is totally right. i do have a blogligation -- and if not to Cliif, then at least to myself. and, now that we've established the NJ06 premise, we can move on. (where by "move on" i mean "look back.") especially since it's day two back here with the Bob and after running around like a lunatic all day yesterday, i am ready to do nothing but blog.

uh, not that this is feasible or anything, but we all need goals here in the new year, right?

oh, and? here's how we apply NJ06 to blogging while with Bob: it might seem like No Joy = focusing on improving my relationship with Bob and not on accruing more blog entries. right?

wrong.

Bob is a priority, and he does come first, yes. but. i am focusing on my personal goals at the same time. and one of them is to write more. to write, in fact, all the time -- as often as possible, even if it's just silly stuff. because truth be told (gah! scary truth-telling!) i aspire to change Bob someday. i mean, i know you can't change a man, but it's possible sometimes, isn't it? i mean, it's possible that writing and Bob can merge, isn't it?

well, i hope so. and i'm going to work hard to try and make that happen.

Monday, January 02, 2006

i hope you had a joyous holiday season and have been properly ringing in the new year by being hungover.

note: i say "had" because i believe the season is over, seeing as i just came from rite-aid where i ran smack into a pile of valentine's day chocolates. so apparently even if my own christmas lights are still up, the outside world is ready to move on.

hate you, outside world.

anyway, i find the end of the season upsetting because i have spent the last six weeks fa la la la la-ing and such. and i go back to work tomorrow*, where it's back to the grindstone, back to life, back to reality, back to day-to-day being.

and not only that, but -- to the point** -- tomorrow begins the execution of my one, big resolution. the resolution i am dubbing: No Joy In '06.

now, before we get into the details and nuances of NJ06, let's consider 2005 for a moment.

in retrospect, i believe an apt title for last year would be Oh, Hey, Where'd The Time Go? (In '05). because i set out to do exactly TWO things.

that's two.

as in one, two.

and i did so thinking, wow, i'm sure being reasonable with what i want to accomplish this year. instead of making a list of a dozen or so things i might not do, let's keep it simple and achievable. let's list two things and then we'll be SURE to get 'em done.

and now it's 2006 and i've done how many of them?

that's right. one.

and only sort of.

so now, on the precipice of 2006, i feel i owe it to myself to review WHY i was only able to accomplish Sort Of One thing on my list of, yeslet'srestateforemphasis, two.

it is because i let eight hundred million other things get in the way.

and that is because this is what i do. (and what i'd like to try and fix a little this year.)

instead of cleaning my apartment, i will blog about soup stains. instead of doing my laundry (by which we know i mean WALK MY LAUNDRY ACROSS THE STREET) i will sip wine and watch an episode of sex and the city for the 49th time. instead of paying my bills on time, i will file my bills away in a drawer and forget about them for no good reason.

basically, instead of doing anything i am supposed to be doing, i will often find something else to do. not always, but much of the time.

thus, when i set out in 2005 to do two things -- lose weight and blog about it -- i found eight hundred billion other things to do.

of course, the upshot is that those eight hundred billion other things were pretty awesome! i mean, i sort of had the time of my life in 2005. i went out a lot and met new people and dated a lot and got to know some amazing women and took up knitting (KNITTING! DO YOU HEAR THAT YARN BLOG MAFIA? I'M BLOGGING ABOUT KNITTING! SEE! BLOG BLOG KNITTING BLOG KNITTING!) and got a new cool job and started going to the gym again and took a trip to disneyworld with my best friend and my sister had a baby and i met a comic who changed my life.

not bad, eh?

but.

but but.

there are still those two goals. and sure, i did manage to blog fairly regularly. i'm pretty happy with my 270+ posts, yeah. but that part about blogging about weight loss?

or more specifically, that part about losing weight?

sigh.

it is time now to tell you, Cliif, that at the conclusion of 2005, i have lost a whopping ten pounds.

and this is not okay.

and so, i present you with No Joy In '06.

2005 ended up being a whole lot of fun, but without much in the way of moderation. and for this i do not apologize...i simply know i need to reel it in if i'm going to get anything done in 2006.

so No Joy = reeling in the excess. not so many late nights. not so much eating. not so much drinking. not so much allowing myself to splurge for reasons such as "it's saturday." not so much spending. not so much time spent doing nothing -- absolutely nothing -- productive.

No Joy = employing a better personal work ethic. i'm never going to write my novel if all i do is carry around my laptop (and not ever actually open it). i'm not going to improve at stand-up comedy if all i do is *think* about doing another open mic but don't actually get up on stage. my closets aren't going to organize themselves. my finances aren't going to get in order if i only bother to pay my minimums.

No Joy = saying no more often.

No Joy = not allowing myself to obsess about boys to the detriment of figuring out what i want for myself, by myself.

so okay, sure. what i'm talking about isn't really being joy-less. but i needed to think about things in a dramatic way, at least to get jump-started. i mean, i'm sure i will have tons of fun in 2006. i'm just afraid that 2005 was my version of the grasshopper's summer. and if i don't become more ant-like in 2006, it's going to be a very fat winter. you know?

yes, i think you do.

so again, happy new year, Cliif. and here we go...!

*started this entry on monday night

**wow, talk about a great start to the new year -- i'm already to my point and i'm only like six sentences in. this has got to be a record.