As I sit here on the poopdeck of the Santa Maria watching the "Warpath" off from a safe distance, I was perusing some of the older items on the board. Specifically, JoeCrisp's observations and Q&A's from last August. In his [URL=http://www.thewarpath.net/showthread.php?t=1140]Q&A from August 12[/URL], our man JC interviews five Redskins.

Of these five, only one remains with the team. Those interviewed and subsequently kicked from the island include the likes of Trung Canidate, David Terrell, Dave Fiore, and Former Heisman Winner Danny Wuerffel. The lone survivor from melee was one Patrick Allen Ramsey.

With Ramsey earlier demanding a trade and now probable demotion, he also appears to have barely escaped the bloodbath and is most likely quite scarred. I think the ratio of 4:1 of those who are to are those who are not still with the team is quite high, but not outside the realm of possibility for mere coincidence. This lead me to do a little investigating and the more I looked, the more that things looked "off" to me. Hell, the last man standing barely made it, so this leads me to believe it's actually closer to 9:2.

I have to conclude that a 9:2 killed/survived ratio is too high for coincidence and that I may have discovered at best, a curse, or at worst a full blown conspiracy. I started peeling away so many layers like those of an onion and have found that one or more of these statements must be true:

[b]1.[/b] It's just plain damn unlucky to be interviewed by JoeCrisp.

[b]2.[/b] As a Redskin, it's good luck to have someone on the Warpath use your name as their user name. How do you think Ramsey made it out alive?

Hey! Ade! You hear that? :thumb:

[b]3.[/b] Depending on your point of view as to whether the glass is half empty or full, never/always take JoeCrisp with you to Vegas or out to try and pick up chicks.

[b]4.[/b] Jeremiah Trotter was actually on the crapper at the scheduled time of his interview with JC and missed it. He should have never eaten those beef and bean burritos at two AM. He knows better! I think that actually is grounds to bump us up again to an 11:2 killed/survivor ratio. It woulda happened anyway and I'm not one to interfere with fate. 11:2 it is.

[b]5.[/b] Upon completion of their interviews, JoeCrisp gave the five of them all cans of Chunky Soup for their time[b]*[/b]. Canidate and Fiore accidentally cracked themselves on the foot and knee, respectively. Terrell promptly dropped his and turned a full 360 degrees in the wrong direction as the rolling can zoomed away from him. He continued spinning until he vomited down the front of his shirt. Vomiting on yourself when not drunk is grounds for another half-kill. 6:1.

Wuerffel just slowly turned around where he stood, pupils dilating as he looked at the can puzzlingly through his ear hole and thought to himself "Soap? Why did he give me soap?". That deer in the headlight look is worth another kill right there. We now officially have a 7:1 killed/survivor ratio. That's just high and I think we can consider any chance of coincidence to be snuffed.

[b]6.[/b] Sometime on or before August 12, 2003, JoeCrisp found the One Ring of Power and decided to smite those afore-mentioned players. He obviously tried to keep this secret from everyone, but that plan has now obviously failed spectacularly. Consider yourself busted, Mister! As his new agent, I am now taking requests to pass along to the Exalted One for the upcoming training camp Q&A sessions. So put on your thinking caps and let me know which losers need to go once and for all! I am also coordinating trips to Dallas, Philly, and New York for him to work some magic there as well.

Seeing how the One Ring is now in play, it brings us to a potential infinity:nada killed/survivor ratio. But for simplicities sake, we'll round it down to a nice, tight 1,000,000:1. 1,000,000:1 odds for someone interviewed to be kicked off the team is no coincidence! We're talking correlation, baby!

Hey folks, numbers don't lie.

Any other thoughts concerning this conspiracy I've uncovered? I mean, I obviously feel obliged to share any and all discoveries I make with you guys!

;)

* [SIZE=1]For those curious, Ramsey was happy for the free lunch, but demanded the New England Clam Chowder instead of the Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables he was handed. When denied, he sulked for a while and then begrudgingly ate his soup. By the time he slurped the last drops directly from the bowl, his attitude had improved noticeably.[/SIZE]

SmootSmack

06-05-2004 04:58 PM

Another hilarious DBB post! We're thinking of sending Crisp to interview the opposing team's best players prior to each game. Might as well use the Crisp Curse for the good of the Warpath and the Redskins

joecrisp

06-05-2004 06:16 PM

Aha! Your calculations are somewhat askew, DBB!, for you failed to include the interviews from 8/11/03 in your tabulation! Had you investigated the archives a bit more thoroughly, you would have found that on 8/11/03, I interviewed precisely five Redskins players: Fred Smoot, Chris Samuels, Scott Cloman, Matt Bowen and Lavar Arrington. At the time of this post, all of five of these players remain members of the Redskins organization.

Tisk, tisk, tisk, DBB!:nono:

Nevertheless, I have taken your theories under advisement, and I shall try to avoid interviewing any Redskin fan favorites on August 12th this year.

Any idea where the Cowboys will be on 8/12/04?;)

Dave Butz Baby!

06-05-2004 07:12 PM

[QUOTE=joecrisp]Aha! Your calculations are somewhat askew, DBB!, for you failed to include the interviews from 8/11/03 in your tabulation! Had you investigated the archives a bit more thoroughly, you would have found that on 8/11/03, I interviewed precisely five Redskins players: Fred Smoot, Chris Samuels, Scott Cloman, Matt Bowen and Lavar Arrington. At the time of this post, all of five of these players remain members of the Redskins organization.

Tisk, tisk, tisk, DBB!:nono:

Nevertheless, I have taken your theories under advisement, and I shall try to avoid interviewing any Redskin fan favorites on August 12th this year.

Any idea where the Cowboys will be on 8/12/04?;)[/QUOTE]

Actually, my research [i]did[/i] include that particular Q&A. I chose not to include those results as it would have tainted my sample. Though the signs were there in your report from the eleventh, it was the concrete evidence in the Q&A from the 12th that convinced me and thus became the focus of my research.

Using my unique "logic", I'm sure I could derived a few more partial kills from the eleventh to go along with those who did survive. Samuels subject of trade speculation? Tack on a quarter firing. Smoot's fractured sternum? That's the bone that helps protect his fragile internal organs! That's important stuff, and he broke it... another half kill. Arrington's "missing" dough? Bowen knocking out his own teammates? Cloman? Practice squad!