Monday, December 02, 2002

Dalamhati sa isa't isa

Practically referred? There you go again. Why can't you get it through your very thick skull that it WASN'T an ENDORSEMENT. he and mommy just mentioned it in passing, at natatawa-tawa pa nga, that tita nitz wanted me to meet her son. it was tita nitz, not them! jeez. pinalaki mo naman talaga eh, when in fact i have more reason to blow up over this endorsement issue, dahil ikaw naman ang tinutulak talaga ng pamilya mo sa iba noon! hindi ba??

Why can’t you argue without having to judge me as thick-skulled, by using words such makapal ang bungo o makapal ang mukha?

You made a big deal out of my own actions… and you counter-strike with the harshest words. But you don’t realize that words are all I have, too.

You h but
YOU STILL CAN’T GET IT.

pinipilit ka sa iba kahit alam naman nilang you were attached at that time. at nung umuwi kang huli, di ba hindi naman nila alam na di na tayo? pero pinagdudukdukan ka pa rin sa iba. tamo na lang yung si manens, nag-meet kayo, di ba? nag-meet kayo at naligo kayo sa sapa and you have pictures to show for it and you had long talks at kung anu-ano pa. She was ready to marry you, her parents wanted you to, and your parents were pushing you in the same direction, samantalang i've never even seen a shadow of that guy na bakla naman daw!

I ASKED you to go on vacation earlier para di kayo sabay ni Daddy. Sabi ko pagbigyan mo na siya kasi he hasn't spent Christmas here in 16 years. 16 years! And I was 19 then! Bakit you gave me hell to ask that of you? Ayokong sabay kayo dahil mahirap yung gusto mo, ijuggle kamo kayo? Haha! Alam mo naman kung gaano yun kahigpit. As if makakalabas akong mag-isa pag nandito siya! Hindi mo alam how that hurt, the fact that you were willing not to see me basta you get to spend Christmas with your family. Ang sabi mo kahit minsan lang tayo magkita, basta nandito ka for Christmas. You knew it was impossible! You were asking me to sneak again, and I knew I couldn't do that with Daddy here. Noon ka lang naman pumayag eh. Umuwi ka, yes, but grudgingly. And now, what? Nobody asked that big a favor from you, to not spend Christmas with your family. But you chose not to. Ang lumalabas, kaya mo namang gawin pala yun without needing to be asked--pag basta ginusto mo lang--pero last year, you gave me hell for asking. Why?? It seems to me YOU were the one who picked a fight over that all along.

I was jealous of your friends, yes! Because you came to them at the slightest bidding, whereas I had to move heaven and earth! I had to use harsh words pa before you agreed to anything. You said the vacation was for me, pero you still saw your friends.

Yes, you did that time! Ang ayaw ko lalo was after seeing me, you'd go see them naman till the wee hours! Ayoko nun, I felt used when you did that. Parang done with one pasarap, so sa iba naman.

Hitting two birds with one stone. I hated that. Tapos pag inumaga ka ng uwi, malilate kang pumunta sa akin. More time with your friends just means less time for me. Don't you know economics??

And no, it's not love. I've long forgotten what that word means. No thanks to you.

But I wonder why even now, I can't stop caring about all this. Maybe I will, once you stop blaming me. 'Cause I know I did what I did out of love. Jealous rages, messages peppered with cuss words...those were what you saw. I did them because I loved you then, even if it looked to you as if it was all done out of spite. But you didn't see me crying. And even if you did, it did nothing. I hurt you with words because they were the only things I had. But not even those seemed to get through to you. Di mo na lang ako pinansin eh. That's what hurt me the most. And I didn't even know why then. I didn't even know.

This was before I agreed to go home. You see, I still agreed, despite the hurtful words you unleased there. I had to suffer more insult from you than I ever had to live with since birth. You called Christmas a stupid occasion. You practically bamboozled me to go home last October 2002, instead of around Xmas time that year. You unleashed the barrage of insults just because I was appealing my case with you.

Let me restate:
1. U used harsh words to make me violate my own heart, change my emotional calendar
2. I went home before xmas to avoid clashing with the vacation of your dad who hasn't seen many Xmases in the Philippines, according to you.
3. I went in self-exile.
4. I let go of the chance to spend the happiest time of the year.
5. therefore you asked me to substitute you for Xmas and my family
6. I agreed to that, and you didn't hear any harsh words from me. Just appeals that maybe you can juggle your family and me.
7. You were jealous of my friends at a time when they didn't even know I came home.

You don't like my family referring me just anybody else. But you expect me to say I'm alright when the supreme earthly authority in your life, the cause of my self-exile and 3-1/2 years of sub-boyfriend status, practically referred you to a Manny No. 2.

Everything else, including our fights over my friends whom you accused of engaging in orgies, pales compared to this. You were so jealous about my friends during my vacation when all I ever asked was for a few hours with them. And you accused us of engaging in group sex? What kind of mindset do you have? Open my wallet to them? Wow, I didn't even see them then. They didn't even know I went home.

Now tell me if you're being fair...

This is my last take this year. coz even after a year of our virtual silence, everything you say, even if few and far between, affects me and my work.

I've had it with you, Mayee. You make my heart bleed everytime, with the kind of words no one had the gall to tell me.

Let's do each other a favor. Let's just try forget the hurts... and go on with our lives.

We've violated enough rules of engagement for such a crazy thing. And it's not love anymore.

> In the last few texts before your big snobbery, we weren't fighting about "Manny #2," as you tagged him, whoever he is. We were fighting about your friends! I was complaining bakit pag sa kanila, you were ever-ready to take out your wallet and spend late nights, when ako ang nalulugi dahil late nights mean late mornings which in turn means late and shorter dates for us!!

> And you only referred to Manny #2 in the letter you sent when you ended your silence, eh hindi naman siya ang pinag-aawayan natin! Which means that you just made him out to be the reason behind our big fight Dec last year. Pinalaki mo lang.