Tongue Tied in Toledo

April 18, 2013 By Beth| Heads up: Buying via our links may result in us getting a commission. Also, we take your privacy rights seriously. Head here to learn more.

Ask A Woman: Cat got your tongue?

If you’ve got a question that needs the female treatment, chances are you’re not the only one who wants to ask it. Beth is our source for the answers. From opinions on men’s style to decoding the sometimes mysterious ways of women, she’ll take on a different question every Thursday. And don’t worry, your identity will be protected too. Click here to get to know Beth, then get in touch with her by sending your question to: askawoman@dappered.com.

Hi Beth,

Recently, I met a young woman that I took out on a few dates. She was incredibly intelligent, beautiful, and had a great sense of humor. We had a great first date and it seemed like we were both very excited about seeing each other again. While all of this sounds good, this is actually where my problem came to light. This excitement on my side turned into nerves and I ended up being uncomfortable and not my normal self the next two times we went out. Unsurprisingly, she let me know that she didn’t feel a connection and was no longer interested.

This has happened to me a couple of times where I meet someone that I’m really excited about and I kind of psyche myself out during the dates and then things flame out with the girl no longer being interested. On the other hand, the girls that I’ve ended up dating longer term, I wasn’t quite as into from the get go. I don’t think this is a coincidence, as I’m sure I came across as more natural and relaxed when I went out with them. This pattern leads me to feeling like I end up settling or never really dating someone that has all of the qualities that I’m looking for.

Ultimately, my question is how do I end up balancing the excitement of meeting someone new that I’m interested in, while not coming on too strong or getting anxious? Is there any way I can ask for another chance with this recent young lady that caused me to write in? We traded a few texts after our last date and she told me that she picked up on my nerves and that she was nervous also. I really do think she’s someone worth pursuing and I’d like the opportunity to show her my actual personality on another date.

Thanks,

Mike

Hi Mike,

It sounds like you’re putting too much pressure on yourself, the woman, and the date itself. I’m not telling you anything new, right? It’s easier said than done, but basically, you just need to calm the eff down. Calming down is difficult. You feel yourself getting nervous and you think, oh no, not again! Then the threat of getting anxious leads to more anxiety, and it just snowballs. There is no way to force yourself to be calm at any given moment, there are only coping mechanisms that you can practice which eventually will help you manage your anxiety:

1. Remind yourself that this is only a date. She isn’t THE ONE. She can’t be, you just started dating her. Maybe in six months you’ll know this, but right now, you know nothing. Dating is about getting to know someone; it’s not about picking out names for the baby.

2. Afraid that if you don’t act perfectly, she’ll run away and you’ll never see her again? Well then you’ll move on to a new woman who is equally as charming. You will. You told me you’ve met interesting, beautiful women in the past. That means it’s likely you’ll meet interesting, beautiful women in the future. If you blow this chance, you’ll have another one.

3. Let her talk and ask her lots of questions. This strategy can’t be used indefinitely, but if you feel yourself starting to freak out on the second date, use it. Where did she grow up, what’s her family like, how does she like her work, did she see the recent buzzed about movie and did she like it? Respond to her answers with head nods, good (but not psychotic) eye contact, smiles when appropriate, and encouraging phrases like “Cool,” “Wow, that sounds amazing,” “Me, too,” “What was that like?” and so forth. This prevents you from having to make complicated conversation, or feeling like you’re on display, but still shows her that you’re connecting to what she’s saying.

Mike’s having trouble not coming off as a creeper.

If you try these tactics, and you continue to torpedo every possible relationship due to your anxiety, it might not be a bad idea to seek medical help. I mention this only because if it becomes clear that you really can’t get past these nerves, they may be more than nerves, they may be a social anxiety disorder. A small dose of anti-anxiety medication might be what you need to get over this bump. If medication isn’t your style, you could try seeing a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT focuses more on changing behavior and less on analyzing feelings, so it’s an ideal therapy for people who don’t consider themselves “therapy types.” It’s also very effective. In fact, if you wanted a more integrative approach, you could combine meds and therapy for the best possible results.

Finally, yes, I think you should ask this woman for another chance, and I think she should give it to you. Especially if you explain that your nerves simply got the best of you. I mean, I’m taking your word for it that you’re not actually a weirdo, your anxiety just makes you that way. If you’re a true blue weirdo…well…best of luck to you.

Comments

I think the core of the problem is that you’re worrying about what she thinks. Don’t. Express yourself and your interest genuinely and feel free to care about treating her well, but don’t try to guess what she’s thinking. It’s not worth the stress and you’ll be wrong 90% of the time anyway. If she happens to dislike what she sees, then let her go. You can’t be compatible with everyone. You’ll save yourself so much anxiety and trouble this way.

An additional note to express yourself: There is nothing wrong with saying that you are a bit nervous.

Saying out loud that you feel nervous, anxious, to even yourself in the mirror helps those feelings not have power over you.

As a matter of fact, it may be flattering if you say that you feel a bit nervous to her directly because you are really interested in her, she’s a knock-out beauty, etc., etc. Whatever the reason may be will depend on the situation and of course you don’t want to sound like a douche. This can be easily solved by just rehearsing what you will give as a reason.

It may also allow her to say the same thing to you and deflate the situation.

I’ve had the same kind of issue in the past, and two suggestions come to mind. First, it’s easy to idealize someone (especially a beautiful woman) in your mind between the first and second date. This can set you up to both a) be too nervous about potentially screwing up this perfect relationship, and b) be disappointed if the relationship ends up working out, but being less than perfect. Make a conscious effort to recognize the things, however small, that are less than perfect about her. This can help lower the stakes of the second date, as well as give you a realistic expectation for how the relationship might go further down the line.

Secondly, re: medical advice, let me first say THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE. That said, as far as anxiety medication goes, I’ve had more than a little experience with self-medication, and I’d say it’s worth a shot. Meet her at a restaurant, and get there 15 minutes ahead of time to grab a drink at the bar. Needless to say, there’s a long list of side effects with this one, so take it easy and know your limits.

As far as this particular girl goes, I might suggest trying to meet her for something more low-stakes and fun than dinner (I’m from Texas, so the first things that pop into my mind are two-stepping and skeet shooting. I think that makes me weird, and I’m okay with it). Perhaps with some other friends, as that’s usually a less intimidating environment than one-on-one.

Date a few people casually at the same time and see how it goes,knowing there’s other women there for you to get to know and possibly build a connection with should take a LOT of pressure off. Plus you never know, maybe someone else you end up with more in common with

The age old problem we all deal with: putting the girl on a pedestal. Fact is, she is no more deserving of you than you are of her. You don’t know each other, and how physically attractive either of you are should be of no consequence.

Treat it as a two way interview instead of you trying to gain her approval She should be trying to do the same.

Finally, don’t see the date as a mission or an objective with a clear goal. Divorcing your mood and state of mind from the outcome of the date should help you be yourself.

I’d just think about how much more nervous you probably were when you asked her out the first time, remember that she said yes, and that might calm you down. The hard part is over; a girl isn’t going on date 2 or 3 if she didn’t feel the same connection, right? You’ve already won.

Provided you’re not a weirdo, there’s really only one simple solution: Just be yourself—a more perfect, refined version of yourself, but yourself nonetheless. I met my wife almost immediately after I gave up on the idea of having to act a certain way in order to make women more interested in me, because the reality of the situation is that if I acted a certain way in order to make someone interested in me, then I wasn’t acting like myself, and as a result any interest in me that developed wasn’t really for me but rather for the persona I adopted on a date. Eventually, after enough dates, you have to act like yourself, and she’s either going to like your or not. Better to start with the closest version of reality and make sure she likes what she sees. If she doesn’t, someone else will.

The nerves aren’t actually the problem, the problem is that you’re too scared to advance. You have a first date where you meet and enjoy each other’s company, GREAT! But you need to progress with every date. If you have a pleasant chat on date 1, and a pleasant chat on date 2, and a pleasant chat on date 3, those pleasant chats get really boring really quick. You gotta touch her; you’re not going to talk to her for X many hours without getting closer physical and then all of a sudden she’ll just say out of the blue “let’s make out” or “let’s fuck now”. Doesn’t work that way. If you’re psyching yourself out about this too much, just pick dates where you’ll have to get physically closer like a dance lesson or something. Bars are good. No dinner dates until you are having sex, they are boring and only work against you when you just meet someone.

Agreed, I would definitely suggest planning dates that will be a more comfortable setting. I’m sure that everyone has different stress/anxiety triggers, but I know for me I would do much better on a moderately strenuous hike than dinner at a restaurant. Do something that will occupy your mind so you’re not worrying about the date and instead just being yourself. Some ideas that might work, depending on your personality: gentle exercise (hiking, etc.), trivia, dancing, moving (bar hopping as opposed to static dinner).

Men’s Fashion or Affordable Style?

Fashion is temporary and expensive. Style is timeless and affordable. Dappered® helps you work the retail system so that you can be comfortable, look sharp, and save money.