VMAs Red Carpet aka Your GOP Congressman’s Living Nightmare

August 29, 2011

Before we get to that, let’s start with Saturday night at the Hurricocalypse!

Short story: nothing happened to me.

Long story: I sat in my basement and watched the UFC 134 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil while getting drunk on Hawaiian beer (Kona’s Fire Rock pale ale… I recommend it. It’s got a nice enough taste and is exotic enough to make you feel a whole lot better than pounding Budweisers, but it is definitely smooth/light enough as a pale ale that you could drink a ton of them. It is also a surprising 6%, so it’s more alcoholic than your A-typical beers), and the hurricane raged outside only to be thwarted by the sump pump. I didn’t lose power or anything, so I guess send your hate mail to me because I live 3 blocks from the Ocean and nothing happened. The sump pump has been running for like 2 days straight now, but outside of that nothing happened.

As for UFC 134 – GREATEST FUCKING THING FUCKING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m not going to spend all the time in the world explaining why it was so amazing because I do have a shit ton of VMA red carpet pictures to make fun of, but UFC 134 was un-fucking-believable because of those damn amazing BRAZILIANS!!!!! I LOVE BRAZIL!!!! In all seriousness, last Saturday’s crowd in Rio was the greatest crowd for a UFC event and maybe a sporting event ever. The UFC had the fights at the HSBC arena in Rio which holds a humble 12,000 or so, but you would’ve swore it was half a million Brazilians in there because of how loud they were. It was incredible. The UFC hadn’t held an event in Brazil in over a decade and the current owners of the UFC (Dana White et al) didn’t own the UFC back then that’s how long ago it was. With a card filled top to bottom with Brazilian fighters, the three most famous fighters on the card Nogueira, Shogun and Anderson Silva (Middleweight champion) all won their respective fights quickly and with authority. Each one by knockout – Nog and Shogun in the first and Anderson in the second. The crowd was on the verge of crying happy riots they were so excited. Anderson is arguably the greatest fighter of all time, so him winning wasn’t too shocking (although it was crazy thrilling) – the other two’s (Nog and Shogun) victories were not guaranteed and when they won it was like an atom bomb of joy exploded in that arena. Especially the old veteran Noguiera who despite fighting MMA since 1999 had never fought in Brazil his home country where he lived one mile or so from arena. It was crazy town. I loved it. Let’s just say it got real dusty for every man when he won. Real dusty.

Anyway… let’s move on to the VMA’s and fucking stupid and terrible they were…

READ ‘EM AND WEEP MOTHA FUCKAS!

SELENA! SELENAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

She looks good. It’s kind of a vampire wedding dress kind of outfit, but she looks good. She didn’t dye her hair and whackadoo colors or dress like an idiot or try to be something she’s not… No, Selena decided to leave that up to her “boyfriend” heir Bieber-

What a fucking dope? Or schmuck. I mean this is why people shouldn’t like this kid. Right here. I mean his music… well, I don’t like it, but there are people who are like “I hate Justin Bieber… oh wait, is there a New Kids on the Block concert this September?! We have to go, obv, tots… vomit” and those people are hypocrites or deaf or something. But this right here, this picture is certainly hate-able. To start from top to toes (the way Usher does on wine coolatta Tuesdays…), Bieber doesn’t even have the stupid Bieber haircut anymore and hasn’t for a little while. Next, Bieber is wearing a pair of reading glasses from the Black Islamic Fundamentalist section of the J. Crew catalog. Tux jacket, gold chains, gold button, red skinny jeans then cheetah print shoes. Sybil in the middle of her worst manic episode would’ve picked out a more homogenous outfit. Hey, Bieber… stop trying so hard and you might survive all of this.

I’m saying it right now, Taylor Lautner is not human. He is a cyborg and there is an entire warehouse of doubles of him and they all wear this fucking outfit. It’s like Lautner is a Simpson’s character at awards shows. I hate myself that I know that this is the only outfit this kid wears, but I fucking know it and I can’t turn back now. Fucking stupid ass distressed shoes like he walked through the Grapes of Wraith to get to this damn meaningless award show. Yes, it’s fucking meaningless. Who the hell remembers who wins MTV VMA awards other than for the sheer trivia of it. It’s purely meaningless. MTV hasn’t told me anything about music in decades and it’s only been on for a few decades. The only thing to watch on the stupid network is Jersey Shore, Teen Mom and if you have MTV 2 then Bellator MMA and pretty soon that might be on Spike anyway.

Yahoo didn’t like this dress. I don’t either. The top half reminds me of a lava lamp or spin art or a rorschach test or something. But Yahoo thought it wasn’t “age appropriate”. I don’t know what age this dress is appropriate, but this is the first picture I’ve seen of Miley Cyrus wear the word “slut” didn’t come to mind, so good for her and bad for me. Show some skin Miley, you know you want to.

Are these two supposed to be the respectable, epitome of great MTV couples because if so then good God do I hate MTV. Katy Perry looks like an idiot who is probably very attractive if she didn’t try to dress like an idiot. And Russell Brand looks like every guy Russell Brand has tried to emulate when he did drugs back in the 80’s I guess. I saw Russell give that Amy Winehouse speech, which was about the only sincere moment on the VMAs until the randomess turn of events throwing it to Tony Bennett. I guess they recorded together, but come on… Tony is old enough to be the great great great grandfather that died in two generations before any of these MTV viewers were born and there is really no reason for them to get to know him. I hate crooners.

Beyonce’s pregnant. Just another reason for rappers to want to be Jay Z – he knocked up Beyonce. I’ve been telling friends this for awhile that one main reason why rap sucks is because rappers want to be Jay Z and not Tupac or Biggie… and who can fucking blame them. Seriously, Tupac and Biggie got killed – shot and whoever did it got away and no amount of spilled Hennessy will bring them back – meanwhile Jigga man works for I think Sony or Warner Bros as the President of one of their divisions, he’s making more money by the second and he’s been putting it to Beyonce in between racing Maybachs and buying shares in the New Jersey Nets. Fuck Biggie and Tupac – you know? I get it. I’d rather make a club jam with a million choruses and enjoy the hell out of my life with champagne and supermodels than ever try to actually live like the gangster you play in your songs and actually meet the end the way a gangster does – dead in the street. This got a little serious, but I believe that. It makes sense.

Congrats to Jay Z… he lived his life right… like real right. He may be killing rap music, but he’s going to put a few of his own kids through college one day. A good one too. Not a state school or nothing. Strictly private.

You know who is not pregnant? Kelly Rowland. JESUS!!!!! Kelly Rowland is looking so good and so not pregnant. Sure that’s great Beyonce is preggers and all, but damn! Kelly Rowland y’all. Nothing else to say. I hope we get to see more of Kelly. Keep it up, Kelly. Keep eating pomegranates and acai or whatever you’re doing. Whooo… looking good.

Seriously, Demi Lovato looks like she’s an A version of Deena from the Jersey Shore? Are we not all thinking that Demi Lovato looks like the newest cast member of the Jersey Shore? Like if Deena could pull it together for half a minute and also roll back some hundred miles or so of doing that Jersey Turnpike dance she does followed by shot shot shots, I bet her and Demi would look similar. Also, I want to see Demi Lovato as a cast member of the new season of Jersey Shore. We know she likes to party in the clubs… perfect fit.

I hope at the end of my days, God will meet me with an Excel spreadsheet of how I spent my life all drawn out in percentages. I guarantee at least 2% of my life has been spent fantasizing about Britney Spears and I will say – it wasn’t wasted. Strangely enough, I actually really enjoy her dancey songs and I love the song with that whistle in it right now that is on the radio.

Deena didn’t get the memo.

Jersey Shore has been pretty good this season. Last night’s “fight” was absolutely stupid, but the rest has been pretty good. The ladies of the Jersey Shore look alright here I guess. No worse than most of the other chicks at this dumb event. Except for…

The Princess of Persia… you all know my feelings for Kim Kardashian… she’s like Mother Theresa except it is much more acceptable that I want to bang her. … … Anyway… Kim is looking good per usual. She’s got the boobs saying hello, she’s got the hips saying hello. With all this bullshit about Marilyn Monroe being this bastion of femininity not being a stick skinny chick, you would think women would have embraced Kim Kardashian as a sex symbol. But I think the only reason we embrace Marilyn is because she’s dead and no dead chick is a threat to living chicks. Women hate other women – especially the live ones. Seriously, Marilyn fucked the President… I bet chicks hated her when she was alive. She definitely is a better actress than Kim… I’ll give her that, but at the same time I can’t imagine women are all sitting around watching “Some Like It Hot”… I’ve seen you ladies… you watch “Love Actually” and say Keira Knightley is so pretty meanwhile her waist is as thick as my ankle.

He knows it. Pitbull knows what’s up. Whose Daddy Yankee? I don’t know. You know who knows? Pitbull because he killed him and buried him and assumed his celebrity and no one will question it. I actually think him and Neyo and those ladies put on a good performance of that crazy overplayed song at the VMAs. It had a nice Miami/Las Vegas lounge act vibe, which in all honesty is about as technically musical that song is, which isn’t much. Anyway, i liked it.

Wiz! I’m still hedging my bets on Wiz falling off the face of this Earth by the end of next year. Amber Rose is the sexiest bald chick. Did everyone see her nude pics from last week? GLORIOUS. Good God she’s attractive as hell. That’s it. I don’t think either of them did anything during the show.

Adele. I’m not going to say anything bad about Adele or her school marm outfit because I know you ladies will castrate me… find me and then castrate me. Either way, I wish she played the second song off her album because that’s the one I like the best.

Dave FUCKING Grohl.

Coolest guy by far in that entire fucking place.

Coolest guy BY FAR.

I still say, name 5 people on Earth cooler than Dave Grohl. I don’t think it’s possible. I say Dave Grohl is top 5 coolest guy on Earth just to give you an option of naming maybe one or two people cooler than him IF YOU CAN, but sincerely he’s right there. But sincerely I can’t think of 5 guys cooler than him, I don’t know if I can think of 2. He’s the fucking man. The VMAs are seriously beneath him.

I’m a fan of Zoe Saldana. Not enough to see Colombiana in the theaters, but apparently no one is that big enough of a fan. No one went to the movies this weekend. That might be because the majority of the East Coast was hit by a HURRICANE, but either way. I want you to be in better movies, Zoe. Movies I can watch. Movies that I can lather my eyes in your cafe latteness. I drink my coffee like Zoe Saldana.

Ricky Martin… errr Joe Jonas.

Seriously? This guy isn’t the most Hispanic guy ever?

I couldn’t name a Jonas brothers song if I tried and thank God for that, but I can only imagine that they’re all in Spanglish.

Some chick that I guess MTV broke the leg of and threw on stage.

I know Jessie J is an actual recording artist and everything… so why did they make her a glorified cover band at the VMAs? Why not get a hysterical cover band instead? Or do what they did last year and have a DJ and then the person who sings those songs who isn’t performing like Robyn can come out and sing her song going to and from commercial? It worked last year.

I hate knowing that Jared Leto is in my favorite movie of all time and he still exists and this is how he chooses to live his life and then there are girls who want this and want to keep this around. I know that sex isn’t just for procreation… believe me, I know that… but come on. This dude? These dudes? Any offspring of these guys will only further the weakness of humanity. They would have been weeded out by a simple pox or an especially cold winter two hundred years ago. These three might be the least coolest in the room and they’re trying the hardest to be the coolest. It could have been easy for Jared to be cool considering he is so gay handsome, but he clearly would rather look like a tool. It’s America and he is free to do what he wants.

Victoria Justice. Sounds like a comic book superhero and has got the legs of one. She should have been walking around with a back-up band the entire time screaming “She’s got legs!!!!! And she knows how to use them!!!!!!” I’m pretty sure I’ll never see Victoria Justice ever act ever. I may be an internet perv and have seen about every picture of Victoria Justice ever posted on a message board, but sincerely I would rather kill myself than turn on the Nickelodeon or Disney network for a split second.

Damn right, Rebecca Black was there. Why the fuck not? This chick is known way more this country over than half of those idiots that paraded around on stage like they’re still going to be there in 2012. Seriously, Tyler, the Creator? I can’t wait until that farce ends. If you think more people know or care who Tyler is over Rebecca Black then you’re crazy. Plus, their music is about the same. They both suck and I hope it become illegal for them to be around microphones.

He’s still alive, Tony Bennett. My parents saw him live a few weeks ago. Why not? Get him out there in his gun range glasses and bring along the body guard with the braided goattee. I mean anything goes at the VMAs. Lady Gaga can dress up like she’s Ralph Macchio in Grease and then do absolutely nothing note worthy, so why not Tony Bennett? Jeez, what a bust Lady Gaga was? What on Earth was that rambling nonsense about? Yeah, she’s from New York, but she’s also a fucking art house idiot and shouldn’t be allowed to speak unless it is to yell “We’re all born this way my little monsters! This is ‘Bad Romance’ for the 50th time!” And then go into “Bad Romance” for the 50th time because it is a million times better than anything off the new album.

Not going to lie, I was sitting in my car the other day and I was flipping through the radio and “Telephone” came on and I almost wept. Remember when you were good, Gaga? Remember?!

What a fucking waist… waste? Seriously, before Jonah Hill was the fat Michael Cera and he really looks like the fat Michael Cera. He’ll never not be fatter than Michael Cera. Nothing is skinnier than Michael Cera. Maybe Wiz Khalifa, but he’s black, so it’s not like we’re getting them confused. Anyway, Jonah Hill… wow. I know you may live a healthier lifestyle now, but for what? So you can dress like a douchebag? What a sell out? Seriously… I hate calling someone that for just losing weight, but really. The first chance he can get to dress like the worst of the worst Brooklyn hipster d-bags he does. Seth Rogen got skinny and I’ve never seen him in skinny jeans. Thank God. If I see Seth Rogen in skinny jeans I hope it is because he’s making fun of Jonah Hill.

JC Chavez. Who would’ve thought he would be the most respectably dressed guy in the day place?

Busta Rhymes is the fucking Hulk. Love him. He looks like he should fight in MMA or the WWE or the Clash of the Titans.

The award for the first band that will be forgotten post VMAs goes to Cobra Starship. At least that other band played. I can’t remember… Giant something? They sounded exactly like that other band from New York… uh who were they? They were famous and went to Colombia? Vampires… or something. It’s hard to keep track of all this talent. Anyway, were they nominated?

What a fucking putz? I didn’t even know who this moron was, which I’m glad for, so Yahoo told me. He’s the “star” from Drake and Josh or something. Believe me, there are no “stars” from that show and this kid isn’t one either. Whoever let him out in public like that should be shot. And if he dressed himself like that and not an agent or a publicist or something then he should be kneecapped with a sledgehammer. Jesus, who ever gave this kid money to do anything should also be given a swirly and have be beaten with a bag of oranges. Ugh – this is disgusting.

Fuck you, VMAs.

What a waste of energy.

I’ll see you next year. It’s my yearly reminder that what is perceived as cool is remarkably also God damn fucking shamefully idiotic.

Related

Do you know what’s worse than reading a billion tweets about horrendous VMA bullshit that you’re not watching? Nothing. Maybe genocide or puppy murder or something, but probably nothing.

I need Lady Gaga to stop this shit. I need her to go back to making good music and to quit this weird Chris Gaines nonsense she’s pulling. She has a twitter for her dude alter ego. I can tolerate meat dresses and egg costumes when you’re cranking out enjoyable music like Bad Romance, but don’t be stupid and make music I can’t even listen to. Then you’re just another Justin Bieber to me. STOP BREAKING MY HEART, GAGA! Also, your boobies are too nice to pretend like you don’t have them.

Oh my God, Chris Gaines. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That was the worst. I hope Garth Brooks’ kids find those pictures on the internet one day and give their dad so much shit over it.

The best performance in any artistic venue of a person confused about their sexual identity is Felicity Huffman in Transamerica. Although Bieber is doing a better impression of a lesbian than I would’ve given him credit for.

That was Zoe Saldana? I was thinking Thandie Newton after a pretty rough night. Also, this is a large collection of very ugly clothing.

You know how old people never know who any of the hot young stars are? I used to think it was because their old feeble brains just couldn’t keep track of too many new things at once. Now that I’m old I realize it’s just because after a while you don’t fucking care who any of these people are.

Were you implying that Marilyn Monroe was in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? I think that was Burl Ives.

I meant “Some Like It Hot”. I don’t know what I’m writing. I don’t even know how I even write that much with all my sweat wrung out of me like a dirty wash cloth after my bruise inducing classes in the morning. Thanks … now I’ll change it. I won’t even bother with the other 1000 typos.

I spent a big chunk of my Saturday night cursing Wiz Khalifa because I was too drunk to operate the repeat on my iPhone so his “Roll Up” kept coming on when I really wanted to hear “Rock You Like A Hurricane” ONE MORE TIME.

Is Jordan Catalano tethered to the sockless fellow on his left with a red-orange strap?

That’s enough for now. I have to go bedazzle some pantyhose so I can be down with the hip kids.

1. Apologies for being late. I’m sure I was missed.
2. You spent Saturday in your basement? You obviously like living on the edge. Regardless of your sump pump status, basements were flooding all over the place but Jordan decided to spend the evening in his. Mad respect Sir.
3.Bieb… I can’t even. Even if Taylor Lautner looks the same every time at least the look is nice, normal and no red pants.
4. Don’t hate on the Crooners Jordan. I am no fan of Tony Bennett, but otherwise love me some crooners…
5. I love Some Like It Hot. Loved Love Actually too but Some Like It Hot is in a completely different league. Boop boopey doop.
6. Why is it every time I see a pic of Joe Jonas these days I am immediately reminded of Rowan Atkinson…?
7. Jared Leto… Ugh.
8. Rebecca Black: a few weeks ago I didn’t even know the name. I wish I could go back there…