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Honesty

Submitted by alex_is_bonding on Thu, 2017-08-10 12:28

I am posting this entry to share a wonderful experience I had with my wife. We've been attempting to bond together for quite some time but never been able to get past a certain point without orgasm. Whether it was Internet-related behaviors on my behalf or her doubts about the necessity of passing up orgasms, we just haven't achieved our long range goals as of yet.

A couple of weeks ago we had an impromptu 'Exchange Ten.' We decided to do a subconscious clean-up exercise together. I had been reading Thomas Keating's thoughts on Alcoholics Anonymous, and I knew I needed to come clean on some things. I knew that I needed a fearless moral inventory (Step 4) and to come clean to my bonding partner (Step 5). We told each other everything that might be potentially holding us back from realizing the fullness of our bond. It was life-changing. It was as if a curtain that I was not aware of had been thrown open and I saw sunlight for the first time. Being radically honest was a hard, gut-wrenching experience for a few moments but once it passed a calm peace came over us that hasn't left. I understand what it feels like to be forgiven and accepted at the level of unconditional love.

I have realized how important it is to have a partner. I realize how much we grow as human beings by practicing accountability and love with another human being. Now that we have had a clean out there is nothing between us or the accomplishment of our goals. The way to the 'classic' 100 days of 'hard-mode' seems way more attainable. But more importantly, the road to bonding and learning how to shift from conventional sexuality to bonding-based sexuality is now available.

Honesty is a prerequisite that I thought I could dispense with. It feels ridiculous to read that in objective black font, but I thought that it was only the brain chemistry that needed to be adjusted. I was wrong. I was holding back not only myself but my wife's happiness. She was always ready to forgive, but I wasn't ready to admit. 'Never plead guilty,' or so my inner-Rumpole said. But by not acknowledging my problems to my wife I was allowing the unconscious guilt to keep me hooked in my patterns. No matter how hard I fought, or what techniques I used, I was always back in front of the computer. It could be seven months or two days; I was back there eventually. This experience of radical honesty allows us to proceed together in bonding for the rest of our lives.

Funny enough, I don't have urges for anything on the computer anymore. I mean full-stop. My wife looks as if she has transformed into the ultimate goddess since we came together in honesty. It's made for some tricky bedroom energy, but that's the point isn't it? We're having a blast learning how to cuddle while feeling like we are eighteen again. We know that energy comes and goes, but we also know that the flames of bonding need not die. With renewed confidence and excitement, we are beginning again with C.P.A's bonding advice and our own intuition.

Best of wishes to everyone on this blog and everyone who is attempting to move from habit to harmony.

You know, I think we do! LOL. Bonding helps us to see that ultimate archetype (even if only metaphorically) of the female. I'm thrilled to be a part of this experience.

It is very easy to backslide. Those neural pathways for me are almost instinctual since I'm 28 and had the good fortune to have cable internet at 13. It's a pride thing though. You have to forgo feeling prideful about a day counter or about your abilities and realize that one moment at a time you can continue to make the switch to healthier new patterns. And also realizing that there are tens of dozens of stories of alcoholics being sober for decades and one sip is all it takes to go back. I've decided to live with the Covenant Eyes bill and let go of the need to pull a W Bush and declare 'Victory' prematurely.

Maybe your earlier karezza practice helped increase the trust that made possible that next step. These kinds of changes bear fruit for a long time, in unexpected ways. While it always seems like 'the most recent step' was the key, I'm starting to suspect that the whole healing journey is just as important.

Yes! It ALWAYS seems like the most recent step was the key. But the 1,000 miles had to be traversed in their entirety. It's hard to remember that, especially being young. All the discoveries we make as individuals along the way contribute to the sum of who we are.

I will be enjoying the new healing. I read Gary's initial 10-month journal entry that you shared in CPA (page 66) again yesterday. That's about as motivating as it gets. I haven't read that in a couple of years. My wife joked that if she has to she'll tape a copy of it in every room to aid me in focusing on bonding and let go of the hunger. I'm looking forward to moving along the continuum and enjoying those experiences with my wife.

Thank Gary for me for having the courage to share such intimate thoughts. It is much appreciated.

It's a truly amazing experience to get know the difference between oxytocin and dopamine. Bonding draws out the finest feelings available to a human being. Dopamine is not evil, it's not wrong, but it's so limited in comparison to the feeling of oneness that I suspect is behind oxytocin's influence on the brain.