The secret to successful fake-quoting of Winston Churchill is to say each quote in a bulldog-like voice, while trying to ignore the fact that bulldogs are unable to speak. Moreover, since most British bulldogs were tragically lost in the Mad Bulldog Disease Epidemic of 1991. Still, despite its decreased popularity, there are many who still strive to keep the game alive. Below is a selection of the best.

Contents

"I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, sex, money, food, water, shelter, ice cream, monkeys, more sex, rubber bands, and twigs."

"Now, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning's end. Nor is it the beginning of the end's beginning. Nor the end's beginning of the ending, beginning with what seemed to have been the end of the beginning, when in actual fact it was the beginning of the beginning's end. But, it may be the beginning of what appeared to be the end of the beginning of the end. That, or the middle."

"There are those who would call us weak; those who would question our resolve; those who would place obstacles in our path; those who would steal our bicycles during tea, and never return them; those who would point out our grammatical inconsistencies, just to be annoying; those who would rain Devonshire cream buns down upon us; those who would blame us for failing to properly train Shane MacGowan's dentist; and those who would give aid and comfort to our Tesco employees; and to them all, I say, 'Try our delicious tinned ham products.'"

"And a great Iron Curtain shall descend right the way across the bay windows of my living room"

"See? I can spin my hat just like this, and lookee, I can tap dance and everything."

"There can never be friendship between the British democracy and the Nazi power, that power which spurns Christian ethics, which cheers its onward course by a barbarous paganism, which vaunts the spirit of aggression and conquest, which derives strength and perverted pleasure from persecution, and uses, as we have seen, with pitiless brutality, the threat of Kraftwerk albums, Werner Herzog movies, Klaus Nomi, Hermann Hesse novels, and blutenschnitzel against us."

"Herr Hitler, if you're not using the south of France, how about swapsies for Canada and Mick-land?"

"I have to tell you now, that I have received no such undertaking, and in consequence this Nation must all sing together: Hitler has only got one ball, Goering has two but they're very small, Himmler has something similar, and poor old Goebbels has no balls at all."

"There are forgotten words, nay almost forbidden words, which means more to me than any other. Those words are "Two World Wars and One World Cup!""

"Never in the field of human conflict have so many been owed so much by so few - but there's always a boom after every bust."

"Mr. DeGaulle, you are to the war what piles are to Lester Piggott."

"You know, I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than to have to speak to that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion." -Overheard at the first, and last, party thrown by DeGaulle for Englishmen.

"Going to war without France is like going hunting without your accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."