Intangible. Untouchable. All things to some People. And a laughable concept to everyone else…

The Perpetually Self-Spoofing Entity

Oh how the Clumpany laughed yesterday at the news that Sevco – in another attempt to convince itself that it has some pre-2012 heritage – had unveiled six new paintings “to honour important figures in Rangers history” (sic).

“At the top of the Marble Staircase“.

Ah yes, the Marble Staircase. We must always remember to emphasise some part of the special ‘Rangers’ lexicon when discussing the merest bowel movement in Sevconia. No doubt the paintings were hung in ‘Dignified’ fashion by some sort of ‘Staunch’ ‘Supremo’ who had ‘jetted in’ for the occasion…

And who were these figures from the history that Charles Green “bought” in 2012 – in defiance of logic, insolvency laws and the intelligence of everyone save fawning media, blinkered football administrators, and 500 million Sevconians who absolutely never showed liquidation the Red Card?

Well first of all: “Legendary managers Bill Struth, Jock Wallace and Walter Smith are depicted in the new paintings, which now sit proudly around the upper landing”; and

I guess this is fair enough if you want to remember the old club. Although the inclusion of ‘legned’ Smith does at least mark the transition to the new club given that he eventually became Chairman of Rangers International Football.

We are also told that “A framed canvas painting of Sandy Jardine now takes pride of place behind the Argyle House reception”.

This is unambiguously a nice touch. Sandy Jardine was a great footballer and by all accounts an even greater man. His loss was a sad day for Scottish football and it is good to see him marked in this way, following the bust that was unveiled last year.

But the comedy – and the focus of this short piece – comes in the form of the “New Pioneers” painting.

This epic piece of artwork – which surely must be destined for the Loo Louvre – features those Myth-Sevcological Heroes Ally McCoist, Lee McCulloch, Lee Wallace and Neil Alexander.

But that text has now disappeared. Presumably because even the website was too embarrassed to display those words?

Neil Alexander of course won a court case against Sevco over £84,000 of unpaid wages.

Ally McCoist’s managerial genius saw Rangers crash out of Europe twice prior to liquidation, and then (via a series of sound-bites and a hefty wage packet) dragged Sevco through the bottom two tiers of the Scottish league, playing a brand of football that was anything but Gallant. Or Pioneering. He was last seen tending the gardens of Sevconia, and still receiving his monthly pay cheque.

PioneeringI am not sure why so much of Lee McCulloch needed to be shown in the picture, when simply painting an elbow would have done.

‘The Journey’ has taken its tollAnd as for Lee Wallace. Well it’s lovely that he’s there in the picture keeping the others company.

It is worth noting that Sevco fans saw the ‘funny’ side of this painting too. Fair play to them!

The painting was commissioned in 2013. And although things have moved on since then, you still have to ask yourself “what were they thinking”?

It is often remarked that Sevco is the “gift that keeps on giving”. In this instance, it certainly is! I am putting this ‘New Pioneers Incident’ in the special Sevco Comedy Pantheon in Clumpany Towers. This is just next door to the ‘Mr Custard Room’ which houses the Rangers Comedy Pantheon.

No opportunity to remember Mr Custard should be overlookedThe ‘New Pioneers Incident’ will sit proudly alongside the Challenge Cup defeats to Raith and Alloa, the Dallas Cowboys link-up, the Charles Green Christmas message and hospital interview, the AGMs, the postcard protest, and the ‘pay only a pound for a pile of stuff at Sports Direct’ initiative.

I am tempted to say that I hope this will be the end of the Sevco comedy as the Pantheon is nearly full.