Sunday, March 29, 2015

Trying to Figure Things Out

Dear Readers,I feel as if I am starting life all over again.And in a way I am, not only a new life not drinking, but a new life in retirement.There is so much I have to learn.Drinking stunted my ability to cope with all the ups and downs of life.I only relied on that one way to deal with stress, anxiety, depression, and pain.So, I am learning new ways to deal with feelings.Drinking also helped me pass the time. I am amazed, now that I'm not drinking, how much time I used just buying alcohol, home drinking, or going out to bars. So, I am learning how to use my time in a different way.

I loved my teaching career. It was my passion. I felt creative and wanted. I had connections with children and adults.But I was overworked and burned out. My young self loved to read, write, ride her bike, sing, meet friends, help other people, play outside at night, sew, and even cook and bake. She loved learning new things.This is the person I want to rediscover. But something keeps stopping me. I am at a loss to explain why I am struggling in my retirement. I can't quite figure out my new purpose or a new passion. Without that, I feel as if I am just floating around. I feel stuck. It's like I am looking a tree full of apples, but can't decide which one to pick. I keep thinking I will make the wrong choice.

My new therapist is working with me to help me navigate this maze. She especially wants me to work on self-compassion, as I am very hard on myself.I am not taking the best care of myself. I sometimes stay in the house for days, doing nothing but reading. I don't eat healthy food. I need to learn how I can be my own best friend and support myself while I am figuring things out.So I feel as if I am standing in a doorway.If I walk through it, I will find Wendy.If I turn back, I will lose her again.

(A very good author on self-compassion is Dr. Kristin Neff.Check out her web site here.)

oh Wendy, i feel for you in this transition time. i do know what you are going through to some extent actually, but thats another story. just relax i reckon, it will all work out if you dont push too hard....hugs to you and thankyou so much for your unwavering support everyday. we can think of each other and feel empathy cant we?Lisa

Hi! I'm assuming this is quite normal. I agree with you about drinking filling time. When I use to be bored I would start drinking in the early afternoon and that would fill the time. You are doing so well that I know things will fall in to place for you.

Feel like I've just read my own diary. Can relate to how you're feeling, I find it so difficult to find passion in the things I do and it always feels like I'm forcing myself to do things. Nothing is easy. Keep searching, you'll find it when you least expect it. I think working on self-compassion and being less hard on yourself will make it easier to find for definite. I tend to find I enjoy things more when I'm more at one with myself and care-free. Keep up the hard-work, it'll pay off!