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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Cigarettes Stay Gone!

I woke up today with an old urge. As I lay back
in bed trying to adjust my eyes to my own harshness of turning on the lamp
beside my bed, I fantasized about having a cigarette. I could feel that old
feeling of getting up out of bed, stepping out onto the back porch and perching
myself on the top step. Pulling out the cigarette from a pack and pressing it
between my lips as I fumbled sleepily with the lighter. I could full on imagine
and remember the taste of it as I took that first hit via my morning fantasy. It
was better with the second hit. However, after that second hit off the
cigarette that I only was imaging quite vividly while still lying in bed, I shook
myself back to reality.

As of just this past February it’s been two
years since I quit smoking. I unfortunately smoked off and on for ten years of
my life. More on then off, but regardless of that I did finally quit cold
turkey. No patches, no candies, no electronic cigarettes to aid me through it. It
was just a severely sprained right ankle that prevented me from being able to
get around. I think I only kept my sanity (for the most part) during nicotine
fits early on given I was at a point where I was ready to be done. I didn’t want
an addiction controlling me. I wanted more control of my own life and aside
from my ‘addiction’ to coffee; I didn’t want to feel some sort of substance had
a hold on me.

Really I don’t think the craving will ever
fully go away. Sadly, I do know people who quit well over twenty years ago and
admit to still craving as well as dreaming about smoking. Oh yes – I do have
the occasional surreal dream in which I’m sneaking off somewhere to smoke a
cigarette. Or I’m telling myself that just one cigarette one hurt me; dreams
that are indeed very lifelike causing me to wake up and actually smell my hair.
You know, when your eyes finally open from a surreal dream and you lay there
almost dazed questioning, ‘did that just happen for real?’ I always have to
roll my eyes when I realize it was just a dream. I’m proud to say I haven’t
cheated once since quitting.

Now while I’m not one of these “I quit
smoking and so should you” types of people, I am definitely one that is glad to
have broken away from the nasty habit. It’s funny, I do find myself breathing
better now compared to when I first quit. Sometimes the smell of smoke actually
bothers me and I don’t feel the nicotine fits like I used to. Naturally, if I have
a really stressful day I’ll think about running up to the store and breaking
down buying a pack. However, I am happy to say I continue to hold strong and
remain smoke free. Despite all the stresses of life that have come my way over
the past couple years. I quit for myself and I think that’s the only reason I
have been able to go this long and continue this smoke free path in my life.

4 comments:

Hi Jane. I can relate to your story. I quit smoking over 15 years ago. I never thought that I could do it but it just goes to prove that if you are determined and put your mind to it, you can do anything. I am so glad that I did. I get sick and sometimes dizzy when I smell cigarette smoke. Sometimes it even gives me a headache. You are a great story teller. I love the way you write and express yourself. I don't think those cravings will ever go away but I do think they we can overpower them as you are doing now. Keep up the good work!

Congratulations on 15 years of being smoke free Alicia! That’s wonderful!! Smoking is definitely a hard habit to quit, but it does in a way amuse me a little that the smell of cigarette smoke bothers me sometimes. Thank you very much for the compliment on my writing. :D That really means a lot to me. I don’t think the cravings will ever go away either, but just as you said we can definitely overpower them.

Smoking dreams. Ugh. Yeah, those suck. I'm proud of all of us quitters. :)

I am proud to say that over the very stressful past week I found that not once did I really sit there and think about having a smoke. I can't say that emotionally I handle the stress as well as I would have while I was smoking, but not once did I seriously sit there and crave that smoke. I was focused on the situations and how to resolve them, not how to get relief from my stress.

I am very proud of you for not cracking under the stress! I think it takes time to re-learn how to handle things again. I swear those commercials where they show people suddenly forgetting how to do every day basic things without a cigarette in hand is pretty accurate, LOL! It’ll get better! Although in all fairness, I must say given your cause of stress recently I am very proud you didn’t even think of it. Though it’s very understandable why you were focused more on the situation at hand, verses old cravings.