This Blog is Dedicated to the Investigation, Transformation and Correction of the Human Constitution as the Entity of Separation that it has become - to Shape, Manifest and Establish a Physical World and Reality that Ensures a Dignified Life for All Living Things from Birth till Death

woensdag 2 mei 2012

The Rotten Child: The Imposter Pattern

One pattern within the Rotten Child Syndrome that I have specifically lived out during my childhood and consequentially during adulthood, is the emotional experience of feeling like 'an imposter' within my family/reality. My parents never actually really communicated with me or my brother about anything, I do not remember much talking from either of them towards me. So, while growing up into teenage years, I experienced a LOT of insecurity about my developing female body as if it wasn't supposed to happen to me and as if it was very 'weird' and 'strange' and I experienced myself as very ALONE within the entire process, always comparing myself to other children to make sure that I was still 'normal' and acceptable, as I did not get any feedback from my parents about what I was going through or what was happening to me.

When I first got my period at around twelve years of age, the only information I had received about it was in school during sex education class, so I panicked and felt really ashamed about myself and about telling it to my mother and especially my father. The overall experience during my childhood and during developing and growing into teenage years, was that I was ALONE in everything that was happening to me, that led me to feeling like a 'stranger' and an 'imposter' in reality as this world. I was always watching other children and their interaction with each other and wondered why I wasn't like that, so 'normal' and 'natural', why did I not experience myself in that 'naturally social' way as what I saw in other children.

All I ever experienced around my parents was a sort of 'disconnectedness' due to a lack of communication, wherein I felt 'left' to deal with reality on my own without any sort of guidelines - ultimately getting stuck in a pattern of constant comparison with other children/people as my 'guideline' that came from the experience of insecurity within myself and a search for security and safety and identity in this world, as a feeling of 'belonging'.

I felt as though I was a burden in my father's life because he had his own hobbies and friends, his own 'life' of doing the things that he liked to do, that didn't have anything to do with his family - so he was always off hanging out with his friends or tinkering in his garage on his latest project or helping someone else fix something, but he was never actually with his family - and the only time that I would get to see him, was at the dinner table, and even then he would tend to be late for dinner as he was so preoccupied with what he was doing in his work-shop. I would long for getting to spend just a little time with him, getting just a little attention from him and having him notice me and recognize that I was there. So, I felt like the imposter in his life, that has messed his life up because now he can't spend so much time with his friends and on his hobbies anymore, and he really didn't like that - I remember a lot of discussions between my mother and father about him always being away and not spending enough time with his wife and kids.

So, as a result from the growing experience within myself of insecurity and alone-ness, I started feeling like my life 'isn't fair' when comparing myself to other children. I thought to myself 'It isn't fair that other children can be so self confident because their parents love them', 'it isn't fair that their father loves, accepts and respects them and mine does not' - which is an experience that would start to consume me throughout my life. And then as a reaction to that experience within myself, I activated the construct of self-pity. The self-pity point is the ego reaction as an attempt to create the feeling within myself that I am special in some way because 'poor me, I am so wronged' and 'nobody loves me, I am such a poor soul' as the positive reaction to the negative experience of 'unfairness' and inferiority towards others within myself, to in a way balance out the energetic experience - thus keeping myself enslaved and stuck within this personality construct as experiencing myself as 'the imposter'.

So, within all this, a point that I see as actually supportive for me in my process of stopping the mind, is that I never felt as though I had much to do with my family, with the people/reality that I saw around me, in the sense that I wanted to 'fit in' and 'be like them' but within myself I felt like a stranger, like I was standing on the outside looking in at their lives. So, in this, I see that it would actually be easy for me to simply let it all go because I was never really a part of that anyways, meaning that I never experienced myself as fully integrated as a being within this world-system and within the entire family-system as a complete 'part of it', even though I really wanted to be.

So this is the entire construct of 'the rotten child syndrome' that i have allowed to exist within myself, having allowed myself to be 'spoiled' by my up-bringing as a physical result and product of the 'input' that I have received from my parents, during the first 7 years of my life here on earth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as 'an imposter'

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself to be an imposter here in reality as how i experienced myself within my family

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am an imposter in the life of my father because that is how he saw me

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to follow and trust my father as an automatic preprogrammed 'instinctive' act to guide me through this reality

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father and how he interacted with me for the insecurity that i experience within myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spoiled by my parents within the first 7 years of my life wherein i have allowed myself to be completely programmed within and as a 'self-image' in this world according to my experience in relation with my parents - of feeling like an imposter and a burden on those around me

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a burden on the people around me because that is how i experienced myself in relation with my father within and through defining my self-image within how my father saw me

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for being a burden in the life of my father

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i owe my father something because i was 'a burden' in his life that he had to 'bare' according to how he saw and experienced me

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for how my father experienced himself towards me and to believe that i shouldn't exist because apparently i am a burden in my father's life as how he sees and experiences me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be programmed within backwards reason wherein i felt responsible for my father instead of realizing that it is in fact the other way around, my father is responsible for me as i am his child - the problem is that he never took this responsibility as he was a spoiled child as well, still stuck within blame towards his environment for how he experiences himself and not realizing his responsibility towards his children as his creation, as he was also the product of his spoilt rotten parents that did not realize their responsibility towards him as their creation and thus did not raise him within giving him the support necessary for him to become a self respecting, self trusting, self-responsible and effective being in this world that is able to in his turn take proper and effective responsibility for his children

i forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to fail to see my father as the spoiled child/adult that he has allowed himself to become, as someone that is not trained effectively in how to take responsibility for his children nor educated properly in how this physical reality works and what is required for him to teach his children to create effective beings that are able to take responsibility for themselves and their children in their turn in this world - as he has become nothing but the result and product of the self-interest of his parents, thus having copied the rotten nature of his parents before him, as what he passes on to his children within and as 'the sins of the fathers'

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have failed to see that i am in no way guilty of anything as i truly came into this world within and as absolute unconditional innocence as the product and creation of my parents as a physical human body that they have created through the 'amalgamation' of their physical bodies and that therefore everything and anything that I express here on this earth in this reality is the 'output' as the result and product of the 'input' as what my parents programmed into me - thus the fact that they programmed 'guilt' into me only reveals their self-interest and self-dishonest nature of wanting to blame their experience on me within and as their spoiled rotten nature that they have allowed themselves to become wherein they did not want to take responsibility for themselves and what they have created which is me as their child, not realizing that within this they are creating a rotten child that would become a rotten adult in their image and likeness

i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the experience of guilt is an illusion and a lie that my parents programmed into me as a manipulation technique within their games of self-interest, as how they have also allowed themselves to be programmed by their parents, in their attempt to exert power and control over their environment - wherein they failed to see/realize/understand that my expression is only showing them who they are as I am their creation and my expression in this world is equal to what they programmed into me from the moment of conception, thus I cannot possibly be 'guilty' of anything

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the belief in 'guilt' and 'being guilty' and 'feeling guilty' that is the minds replacement for responsibility - wherein the experience of 'guilt' is nothing more than a manipulation technique used by parents, family, teachers and religion in their self-interest attempt to exert power and control over me, which taught me to move and motivate myself based on fear of 'being/feeling guilty', as a puppet of the self-interest of my environment that did not take any responsibility for their actions and their creation and are living as spoiled children/adults that have no principles or morals as how they have allowed themselves to be programmed by their parents

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a spoiled child and adult as self-interested living as an ego that only seeks self-gratification and satisfaction by not living within principles

I commit myself to walking the process of stopping myself as the spoiled rotten adult that i have allowed myself to become, to start living within the principle of what is best for all life - as i assist and support myself in the process of birthing myself as life from the physical and re-programming and educating myself according to what is best for me as life to correct that which is not best for all life as what i have allowed to be programmed into me during the first 7 years of my life here on earth

i commit myself to walking the process of doing what is necessary to be done in this world to make sure that parents actually take responsibility for their children so that no child will ever have to go through what i went through in my life experience in this world - because I realize that humanity is at this point no more than a play-out of the sins of the fathers that have been blindly and ignorantly passed down from generation to generation, ultimately resulting in the world that we have today of total abuse and destruction and that this world requires the parents of humanity to become aware of themselves and take responsibility for their creation as their children, to within the realization of themselves as one and equal with their children, live as the example of who the human has to be as a self-responsible and trustworthy being, so their children may be the fruits of this tree of what is best for all life

i commit myself to walking the steps that are required to undo the harm that i have allowed to be done unto me during my upbringing within the first 7 years of my life here on earth - to then stand up and take the responsibility to recreate myself as an effective human being in this world that is able to take responsibility for this existence in all ways

i realize that i am not an intruder as i have been birthed into this world by my parents and i commit myself to educating myself as my parents to assist and support myself as them in understanding their responsibility as parents and understanding and investigating all the various aspects of what this responsibility implies - to be able to effectively welcome a being into the world and to effectively assist and support this being in every way to reach their utmost potential -- wherein I STOP such mind-constructs of 'the imposter' from being created as I realize that this particular mind-construct was nothing but the result of poor parenting-skills within and as communication

i commit myself to explore and investigate myself within and as communication - to become effective within communication as i realize that effective communication is the key to creating, molding and shaping a being that is aware of themselves and is able to direct themselves within and as the awareness of what is best for all life

I commit myself to walking the process of aligning myself with what is best for all by completely stopping myself as what i have allowed myself to become as the mind as the self-interested way of seeing and experiencing this world that i have allowed myself to be programmed into me during the first seven years of my life here on earth - thus I realize that I will have to start from scratch as I can trust NOTHING of anything that i 'know', see or experience about this world as it all exist within me from the starting point of the mind as separation - so to get to know myself and establish myself as life, I will have to in fact start from the innocence of myself as life HERE as I have birthed myself as life from the physical within having stopped the mind through the process of applying self forgiveness, to then 'build myself up' again within and as the skills, capabilities, realizations and understanding of living a life from the starting point of what is best for all life wherein i can trust nothing but myself HERE within and as breath