There's a contest, so I'm forced to write one of these things. I KNOW I won't win and about a whole person will see this article and I suck at writing... but oh well, I'm bored. And I warn you: these are my personal opinions, and I have sucky personal opinions. You people forgot who I am by now, haven't you? Did you even know in the first place? TO HECK WITH IT LET'S GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD

Microsoft's press conference:

Okay, let's see here. Gears of War 2 video. It was awesome. It's going to be awesome. But where's the NEW? OH HEY COOL YOU GET TO PILOT A VEHICLE. ISN'T THAT NICE. NEVER SEEN A VEHICLE BEFORE. Well, okay, it's a Brumak or however you spell it, and apparently you also get to ride one of those flying thingies that you shot down on the train and stuff. That's cool and all... but in the end, it's just going to be a vehicle, isn't it?

Fallout 3: It looks awesome. Cool. But... it's multiplatform. What the crap? This isn't Microsoft. Get out of here, you evil multiplatformer, you!

Resident Evil 5: Awesome. Online coop. Awesome. HEYWAITAMINUTE AREN'T YOU MULTIPLATFORM?! WHAT IS WITH THIS?! AND WHERE ARE THE ZOMBIES?! DEAR GOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE ZOMBIES, CHRIS?! ALL THEY WANTED WAS TO HAVE A CUP OF TEA AND DISCUSS WORLD EVENTS, AND YOU HAD TO NUKE RACCOON CITY DIDN'T YOU YOU JERK?!?!?!?! Wait you weren't even in RE2 or 3. IT'S STILL YOUR FAULT!!!!

The new design: cool. But... it just looks a bit slicker. Honestly, I'd prefer the old style. If they don't let us keep the old style, I will rip off their faces. Avatars: you mean Miis? But in seriousness, it doesn't seem like it'll really add anything. I'd rather keep my Sonic avatar, thank you very much.

Netflix: Cool. This could be very good for me. I never get the chance to watch movies, they're too expensive for my not richy rich family to buy the movies, and I don't like the idea of all the mail stuff. I live in a nice neighborhood of people nice enough to check your mail for dangerous electronics. Saved my life more than a few times, they have. So MAYBE I'll finally be able to watch a ton of movies and totally abuse the service to watch the entire library in a week. Yes, it's possible, as long as you have a lot of TVs. Wait, wasn't I supposed to be poor?

Banjo-Kazooie: Awesome... but no news. At all. OH WAIT A SECOND WHATWAS THAT THEY SAID? BANJO-KAZOOIE ON XBOX LIVE ARCADE?! SURELY THEY WILL GO INTO MORE DETAIL ABOUT THE MOST EXCITING NEWS SINCE CHOCOLATE PUDDING! ohwaitnopenevermind they decided it's not important. What gives? The N64 Banjo games are my absolute favorite platformers ever, next to Mario Sunshine. And then there was the news of Stop 'N Swop, of course NOT mentioned at the press conference. I'm hoping it will include backwards Stop 'N Swop stuff, rather than just the forwards to Nuts & Bolts.

Fable II: It's Fable. It's II. Not much else. Though the coop looks awesome. Can't wait to go back home to discover that my best friend murdered my entire family, and TOTALLY ignore him for a few hours!

Live Arcade games: Portal. Awesome. The rest looks meh.

You're In The Movies: It's the eyetoy with random movies. It was hilarious. Not much else.

Viva Pinata: Just an expansion pack, it seems. I can't really get too excited about it, unfortunately, because I can never manage to get more than fifty billion Whirlms or whatever they're called in my garden. DAGNABBIT WHY DO I SUCK AT PINATAS SO MUCH?!

RPGs: I'm extremely backlogged on RPGs. I've only finished up to Final Fantasy III (I insist on playing games in order of release, I'm allowed to do that shut up) in the Final Fantasy series alone, and adding a ton of others isn't helping me much. Also: I'm rather surprised that everybody is so surprised at Final Fantasy XIII on the 360. I was always assuming it was just about a near guarantee. Apparently I'm not as smart as I thought I wasn't: the world is ending with this announcement. Expect both Sony, Square, and Microsoft to instantly die a horribly painful death. Then Nintendo shall have a monopoly and instantly explode out of sheer power. Then everybody just DIES. And it's all thanks to a game going multiplatform! How DARE they attempt to please those who can't afford three fricking game consoles? THOSE MONSTERS!!!!!

Nintendo press conference:

People Smiling: I must admit, I was skeptical about this at first when I heard it... but when I look back, man, this looks to be a really super title. Imagine how it will be able to use the balance board, and the Wiimote's built in microphone! I'll be looking forward to news about it in the future.

Carrot Top: Snowboarding game. Looks quite yawn.

Animal Crossing: To be honest, this was the one single reason I cared about E3 at all this year. It's been listed for release in 2008 forever now, but we didn't have any news on it. Then we get news. And it looks like it's just a slightly updated port. What the crap? I WANT A SEQUEL DAGNABBIT. I'll still buy it anyway, due to the fact that all previous Animal Crossings I have owned were stolen... but it's kind of disappointing to know it'll be the same old thing I already did twice. Not the same thing used differently: just the same old thing.

DS Games: Meh. Nothing really that exciting at all.

Wii Sports Resort: Looks awesome. But any word on if it'll enhance play on any previous titles? Warioware is awesome, but sometimes it's just randomly unresponsive, and thus the great flying nose shall never be defeated. Other than that, all I can really say is I wanna play swordfighting. And shouldn't this game be online? Where's the online news? Nintendo, the Wii is online now. You're allowed to go online. Also, I'm hoping people will pay attention the the attachment Lego block thing and make games for it. They'd better. OR ELSE.

Music: It's a music game. But... it doesn't look very good. At all. Just a little toy you play with for 5 seconds and say "Hey that's cool" and then throw it out to play Mario. Also: they are the suckiest band ever. And I loved it.

Reggie: He barely did anything. Where was he? I give this press conference 1 Reggie out of eleventy billion for lack of Reggie.

Also it was short.

Sony Press Conference:

Resistance 2: It's a first person shooter. You get guns. You shoot things. Sounds awesome.

Little Big Planet: That was awesome and the most creative thing I have ever seen other than spaghetti. It was awesome and awesome and awesome. Oh: and awesome. Also: 5 billion units? Wut? The thingy says million. SOMEBODY HERE IS A LIAR. LIAAAAAAAAAAR

Ratchet and Clank: Awesome. But not much else. Also, I love how they spoiled the previous game. SOME OF US HAVEN'T PLAYED IT YET, GUYS.

Movies: They're there. Amazing.

Games: They showed a ton of them. About two of them looked good.

DC Universe Online: It's an MMO except with a bunch of superheroes. And dear god it looks incredibly meh.

Infamous: It looks awesome. In fact, it's better than you. It's a fact. I looked it up on Wikipedia.

MAG: Sony is better than you. Better than everything you have ever known and loved. All hail Sony. ALL HAIL SONY. THEY SHALL OVERTHROW THE EVIL THAT IS THE NINTENDUMBS AND MICRODUMBS (I'M SO CLEVER WITH MY INSULTS) AND RULE OVER ALL WITH THEY'RE MASSIVE BATTLES. Also it looks awesome. I really wish I had a PS3.

In the end: There was a lot of awesome... but also a lot of meh and a lot of blah and a lot of I almost fell asleep. Also feel free to yell at me for being a horrible fanboy who doesn't like the best system since french toast, whichever it may be.

This is the sack of crap which sucks and is lame. I mostly use it for internet browsing and occasionally playing random online games like Audition. I also use it for recording video game cutscenes, the reason for the Gamecube you see there. Also, my mom sucks and is lame because she keeps going OH LOOK E-MAAIL I WON A MILLION DOLLARS WUT VIRUS.

If I win this, it'll become my OWN computer, and I'll be able to tell my mom "No way nuh-uh my computer not yours foo" and totally pwn by not getting viruses. read

The both then drop their weapons, and come to a truce. Then Sephiroth comes and totally slaughters them both.

Sephiroth: That's what you get for killing me! Jerkfaces!

And so, Cloud and Tidus must restart at their last save point, which happened to be ERASED.

Cloud: Ah, this sucks, now we don't even exist or something!

Tidus: Well, look on the bright side: we have the video game!

Cloud: Yeah, awesome! Hmm, but what game is it?

Tidus: It's uh... "Final Fantasy"

Cloud: What, THAT again! I already bought it three times!

Tidus: But this time it has... umm... it looks prettier, and that's it, I guess. Jeez, what the crap?

And so, the video game was thrown in the trash, and Cloud and Tidus forgot the whole thing ever happened and went home to get Aeris back to level 99 (cause I know that guy was totally lieing she's not gonna die it's a lie gotta be he's messing with my head). But... what's this.

Gordan: Gahahaha... HAHAHAHAHAHA! It's mine! All mine! Final Fantasy! Yes! After all these years!

Leila: OH NO YOU DON'T!

Then, Leila, now powered up with her awesome Wing Blade, runs up and slices Gordan's head off! 1 damage!

Gordan: Ow. *dies*

Leila: Finally! It's all over... and the game is mine!

Meanwhile, back with Gamechamp!

Gamechamp: Hey, wait a second, I'm supposed to win! What the crap?! Where's my Final Fantasy?!

So, a week ago or so I was told I was chosen to be a beta tester on Ijji, a site featuring a bunch of online multiplayer games, usually of the not-MMO sort.

However, the game I'm beta testing IS an MMO. But not just any MMO It's an MMO, but with cars. This may or may not be new, I suck at knowing what's new, so let's just say it's new and nobody correct me. Naturally, I assumed "RACING SUX I HAT U DRIFT CITY!!11!" However, after I started to play it, it suddenly turned into Uber Awesome Omega Xtreme: Turbo Edition.Read more after the jump, if I could actually put a jump, so just read more, I guess.

When you start the game, some anime girl makes you get a drivers license, which is a lot simpler than in real life. You just make up any name (Lolllolol and Lollolllol are popular choices) and choose a photo of some anime peoples who look nothing like you, and there you go, one authentic driver's license!

Then you choose your car... and I have nothing to say about that. It's just choosing a car. Not that amazing of a thing.

So then you get into the game for reals, starting in this big city place. This city place is where you do missions, side missions, and... ummm... be a jerk and run into other people who are trying to do missions.

The game plays like a standard racing game. You can go forward, you can go backward, you can turn left, you can turn right, you can perform drifts, and you can use a boost whenever you fill your boost guage.

To fill your boost guage, you have a few options.
1) Sit around doing nothing.
2) Drive around doing nothing.
3) Drive around like a drunken maniac.

Choice 3 is highly recommended. It's also where an element from Crazy Taxi comes in. Drive on the wrong side of the road, and you get a boost to your boost guage every few seconds. Drive really close by other cars, and you get a larger boost to your boost guage. You can also go off jumps for a REALLY huge boost, but there are barely any jumps in the game, really. Finally, you can perform a drift.

In addition, whenever you do one of those things, it adds 1 to your combo counter thingy. The combo counter serves only one purpose: whenever you get a multiple of 10, you get an item, usually one of 4 crappy items nobody cares about, but soemtimes you can get parts to attach to your vehicle, which increase its stats.

Oh, right stats, about those things. Guess what? This is an MMO. You actually have to get XP and level up. To get XP, you just complete missions, side missions, or compete in the Battle Arena. More on the BA later. When you level up, all your base stats increase by 1. These stats are Speed, Acceleration, Durability, and Boost. If you don't know what these mean, you're a moron. The base stats are added to your car's stats.

Anyways, around the city, there are several rest stops. At these, you can do story missions, side missions, enter the battle arena, fill up your gas (which you rarely need to do), or go to the Hidden Base, which is just a place where all the shops and stuff are thrown together.

In the story missions, you do things. Sometimes you're going from point A to point B, sometimes you're doing that with a time limit, sometimes you're killing evil robot cars, and sometimes you have to trail cars (which is really boring, because all you do is tap on the up key whenever you're starting to get too far away).

In side missions, most of them are delivering things to multiple places. Also, each has a Top 100 list. That's pretty much all there is.

So, the Battle Arena. It actually has nothing to do with battles, nor is there actually an arena. Instead, this is where you race other peoples on a bunch of tracks. It's set up like a standard online game: join or create a room, wait for everybody to be Ready, kick the morons who don't click Ready, and wait 5 more minutes because everybody left while you did that. Don't worry, I'm exaggerating.

Then, when you get into the races, playing has a few differences to it. You now have a Durability guage, which is where your Durability stat comes into play. When you suck and burn, you lose HP. When you lose it all, you start going super slow, and a ninja mechanic will fix it in about 2 seconds. Ofcourse, this is high-speed racing, so that 2 seconds will often mess you up badly, as you also have to build up speed again afterwards.

Also, along the track, there are some electric gate things. Rather than killing you in electric death, like expected, they give you certain power ups. It could be a half Boost gauge fill, a full Boost guage fill, a limited time super boost, momentary invincibility (which comes with the speed boost), a longer invincibility (+ speed boost), and Skid Rush, a super-long invincibility, with speed boost. If you get it, expect winnings. Lots of winnings.

So, in all, Project Drift City is awesome. And I'm better than you for being able to play it. HAHAHA LOSERS! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GAMECHAMP!

Fun Fact: It was originally Skid Rush in the original version from across the oceans.

Fun Fact 2: Due to weird Asia symbols exploding my brain, I couldn't find any of my own screenshots, so instead there's that one from Skid Rush I googled.