This is my first post on this website that I just so happen to come across. I feel so odd talking to my family and friends about my problems because they don’t understand. I would like to talk to others who have dealt with their problems and are recovering.

I was a skinny and very athletic child and never had a problem with my weight. It was only until I hit puberty that my baby weight pilled on and I had first experience with any type of weight gain. I eventually filled out and was at a healthy weight. I didn’t start worrying about my body until I found that boys were not attracted to me. People tell me that I’m very beautiful, but I have always had a problem with myself. I didn’t feel like anyone would ever love me because every time I talked to a boy he never liked me back. When I was 14 I decided that I wanted to diet because I weighed 128 LBs and I thought I was fat. Keep in mind, I’m 5’2 so that Is NOT skinny. Besides my own issues, I also wanted to be perfect for the guy that I dated for three years. I wanted him to look at me and no one else. So there it began, I started to exercise every single day and eat around 800 calories. I lost 10 LBS very quickly and I was finally happy with myself. I didn’t realize it until now, but eventually I got fed up with the diet/exercise and it was BINGING that led me to weight gain. I felt like a failure when my body could no longer lose weight after eating 800 calories so I stopped everything and piled on weight. I had gained almost almost 15LB more than my previous weight, so I was around 150 LB. I felt absolutely disgusting. I wouldn’t go out with people and I locked myself away from the world. It wasn’t until everything had gone to shit with my boyfriend and my father passing away (who died of diabetes) that I decided I needed to lose weight. I had learned that by exercising everyday and eating a fluctuation between 1300-1000 calories that I could lose weight and the it would continue. I ended up down to 100 LB. I was so proud of myself. I’m still somewhere around there, but I have been refusing to weight myself; which is my downfall. Everything had been fine until I wanted to start maintaining my weight and stop obsessing about calories. My friends and family think that I’m so weird. They never see me eat with them, and some days I’ll eat all my calories early in the morning. I can’t sleep from exercise because I wait until night to do it, and now to fit in and not constantly think about food I have been binge eating. I feel like I’m starving all the time, and this was never a problem until the last two months. I eat EVERYTHING. I go out and buy all of my favorite candy and all the shit that I love and eat it all until I’m completely bloated and feel horrible about myself. It had been every two weeks that I was binging so my weight would go back down, but the past two weeks I binged Sat, sun, tues, and yesterday. I’m honestly afraid that I gained 10 LBs. I don’t know what the do. I had no problem avoiding food until these recent weeks. I keep trying to go back to my regular diet but I keep binging. I just want to be able to lose the weight that I’ve gained from binging and eat without weighing portions and counting calories. I can’t concentrate on anything else in my life or even have fun because I hate the way I look. I wish that I never became like this, but there is not going back now.. I weighed myself, but I had just binged, and I almost passed out when I saw the scale.. I don’t know what to do.

I forgot to mention.. Not only am I ruining my body. I use smoking as a way to not eat. I’ve been blowing through packs a day. The worst thing is, is that I’m a singer and I’m going to school in the fall for vocal performance. How am I suppose to go away to school like this???