J.P. Linde

1995: AROUND TOWN - KOIN TV (Portland Oregon)In my brief 3 months as Entertainment Reporter, I won 16 Emmys and three Pulitzer Prizes.

You can now gift the entire J.P. Linde collection of novels and films. “SON OF RAVAGE,” “THE HOLOGRAPHIC DETECTIVE AGENCY” and, of course, the campy horror film classic “AXE TO GRIND.” All three make excellent gifts. And while you’re at it, add a couple of J.P. Linde COMEDY CLUB NETWORK appearances to your digital library. You can find all of my appearances on Amazon Prime at a very affordable price. Give the gift that will keep on giving. Get your J.P. Linde Media Bundle today!

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Special thanks to Outer Planes Comics & Games for a great SON OF RAVAGE summer kick-off!

​It has been a while since we’ve tackled a subject with any intellectual heft to it, (the last being a serious discussion of the James Bond gun barrel sequences). Ever since, I’ve had the nagging feeling that my blog is wasting away. But that time is over, friends. Today, we roar back with a subject that should go down as one of the most powerful blog posts of all time. Today I give you, the top seven Magnificent Seven movies.

I’ve been in love with the original 1960 original The Magnificent Seven since the 70’s when notorious college drug dealers hijacked my small black and white television and made me watch it (if you’re lucky, I may relate this story further someday). Long story short, unlike the experience, the movie starring Steve McQueen, Yul Brynner and Eli Wallach and directed by John Sturges, stuck with me. So, with this introduction out of the way, let’s proceed.

​Dishonorable Mentions: #6 and #7

The Guns of the Magnificent Seven and The Magnificent Seven Ride. Uh, well they make the list only because Magnificent Seven is somewhere in the title. Yul Brynner’s iconic Chris was long gone, touring in a road show production of King and I most likely. He had been replaced by George Kennedy and Lee Van Cleef respectively. While both are fine actors in their own right, their magnificent crews had been whittled down to the likes, of Ed Lauter, Micheal Callan, Ralph Waite, Gary Busey. James Whitmore, Joe Don Baker, Bernie Casey and Monte Markham as Keno. Let’s just be polite and pass both of these films off as, No thank you.

​The Return of the Seven. (1966) Yul Brynner returned to the iconic role of Chris with two stipulations, give me a batshit crazy script and no Steve McQueen. The producers relented to the temperamental actor’s requests and, along with Robert Fuller (from television’s Emergency) we got this mess. Filmed in Spain, as shooting in Mexico had become problematic (the entire country had read the script), this low-level entry into the canon at least has Yul and at the very end a lot of shit blows up…blows up real good.

#4 The Magnificent Seven (Television Show and subsequent Christmas Specials). Okay, I am kidding about the holiday specials, but it would have been fun, watching all of Chris’s friends get shot down before the star is placed at the top of the tree. Michael Biehn portrays Chris and Eric Close is Vin as seven gunfighters attempt to defend a town. Robert Vaughn joined mid-season to add some needed umph to the series but alas, was too late. Interesting, but all in all, a miss.

#3 The Magnificent Seven directed by Antoine Fuquo is a much needed to return to what made the original great. The casting, from Denzel Washington to Vincent D’ Onofrio is brilliant and the entire story breathes fresh life into a series that I had remained convinced could not be brought back to life. Fuquo reports that he was a fan of western films since he was a kid and it shows in everything he does. Chris Pratt is so much fun to watch and his final scene should go in the western shoot-out hall of fame.

#2 The Magnificent Seven (1960) and directed by John Sturges. It’s a no-brainer as to why this film continues to resonate. First, it catapulted Steven McQueen, James Colburn and Charles Bronson to stardom and broke open an entire genre of heroes with jaded pasts seeking redemption. It also introduced us to Eli Wallach, in the first of his Mexican Bandido trilogy of roles that concluded in an epic performance as Tuco from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. This film is only rated #2 on our list because of the film that preceded it and the casting of the German actor Horst Buchholz as Chico. Still, this film stands up very well to multiple, nay hundreds, of repeated viewings.

And, the #1 Magnificent Seven movie of all time?

Seven Samurai directed by Akira Kurosawa. The gold standard. If you have not seen this film, you are robbing yourself from viewing what some critics call one of the greatest films ever made. It has remained highly influential, often seen as one of the most "remade, reworked, referenced" films in modern cinema. Do yourself a favorite, walk don’t run to the nearest art house. It is worth it!

This was fun and inspires me to think of all kinds of countdowns in films with numeric titles. Perhaps next week we will feature the top seven dwarfs in Snow White films. Until then, "ride on.”

Interesting. Of course, I agree with your esteem for the entire premise, but disagree with the ranking.
1. Magnificent Seven (1960)
2. Seven Samurai
3. Guns of the Magnificent Seven.
4. The 2 hour TV series launch only. Not the series.
5. Return of the Seven
6. The Magnificent Seven Ride
7. The wretched remake

I can provide reasons for my ratings, but I'm not sure if this is the proper forum. I'm new here and tchno-impaired.

Reply

JP

2/22/2020 08:36:46 am

Great comments! And I would love for you to explain your rankings! Thanks!

Be careful of what you ask for.
1. THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN developed it's main themes of loyalty, honor, bravery and compassion from SEVEN SAMURAI but westernized (pun intended) them to fit our own culture. The original was more profound but it was difficult for me to relate to the foreign setting. That is obviously a personal problem, but include the western setting, characters and music score and it makes it more accessible. The actors are perfect. Brynner for example is a natural leader. His Chris is touched by the villagers and is an amused observer of humanity. He is also completely self assured. The other characters are similarly fleshed out. The photography, direction, script, editing and, again, the music elevates this into mythological status.

2. See above

3. GUNS is just a Saturday afternoon flick but has a few better touches. This is the only sequel where composer Elmer Bernstein recorded new music. The Seven are played by competent actors but only Monte Markham shines enough to approach the charisma of the original 1960 Seven. My date sobbed her eyes out at his fate.

4. The TV movie was well done, but is naturally enough, made on a smaller budget. The plot substitutes unreconstructed Confederates for banditos probably to avoid the expense of sombreros.

5. RETURN was a major disappointment. McQueen turned down the part. He wired Brynner and explained that he'd like to be in it but that his horse couldn't swim the Atlantic to Spain. The script was ridiculously improbable and filming in Spain required hiring bland Spanish actors. Brynner's character was devoid of any amusement or charm and set the model for his robotic appearance in WESTWORLD.

6. RIDE was a zero budget potboiler which ignored the previous incarnations. The village they defend is populated by recently raped women who seem too eager to share time with the good guys. The music sounds like it was taped in a garage by a kazoo band.

7. But the REMAKE is worse. This time the villains are raping the land for profit and are corporate big business. No souls there and no fun villains in sombreros. The Seven are now a Rainbow Coalition of culturally diverse individuals and at the finish, none of the Caucasians ride away in this politically correct screed. Instead of gunslingers we have a ninja like knife expert and a native American with six pack abs, both of which are caricatures. There is also a "surprise" motivation for the leader of the Seven that undercuts the whole strong helping the weak thread. By the by, where did that cannon come from? The big flaw is the relegating of the original Magnificent Seven Theme until the end credits. It should have been heard during the film to prod it along but instead, now reminds one to realize how much it was missed

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​In 1981, J.P. Linde co-wrote and appeared in a one-man comedy show titled “Casually Insane.” Shortly after, he joined the ranks of stand-up comedy and performed in clubs and colleges throughout the United States and Canada. In 1989, he made his national television debut on “Showtime’s Comedy Club Network.” He wrote the libretto for the musical comedy “Wild Space A Go Go” and co-wrote and co-produced the feature motion picture, “Axe to Grind.” “Son of Ravage” is his second novel.