Tag Archives: Facebook

Tech giant Facebook has abandoned its new fake news regulator, realising quickly that what it actually needed was a real news regulator.

Brian ‘Bobby’ Renfrew, 46, was hired last Thursday, and spent several days at his desk at Facebook HQ before it was realised that he was actually a cardboard cutout of Tom Hiddleston.

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” insisted a spokesperson. “We have a problem with fake news. We wanted to regulate it, but instead of getting a REAL fake news regulator, what we got was a FAKE real news regulator.”

“See what I mean? It’s a knotty one.”

“And I can’t really see anywhere else this joke could go from here,” he explained, his voice tailing off sadly.

There were red faces at internet giant Facebook today after it emerged that an artist’s perfectly innocent Christmas card picture had been banned because of its “sexual” and “adult” nature.

The artist, Harold village resident Charlie Jacks, said she “could not stop laughing” when she discovered the reason the social media company would not approve the product last month.

The bird, with its distinctive red breast and bulging testicles, was one of three completely innocent designs painted by Jacks of animals in the snow for the set. The others were a tawny owl and a female badger with an enormous pair of tits you could rest your pint on.

But Facebook blocked what it perceived as an “adult item” after the artist attempted to upload the image to her Haroldcraft page.

A spokesperson for Facebook admitted that the algorithms used to identify adult content were not infallible, and that false positives would occasionally slip through the net.

“We had a similar thing last year, when pictures of Michael Gove were being rejected,” he explained.

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading →

A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.

Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading →

“And after I’ve had a cup of tea I’m going to eradicate polio through memes.”

As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.

“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”

“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading →

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading →

Simultaneously using two Facebook accounts on two separate devices: slacker

Facebook has announced that it will pay its 1.39 billion users a basic minimum wage from now on in acknowledgement of the fact that their current business model is starting to look too much like slavery. Continue reading →

The world has officially thrown in the towel today with the threat of terrorism, corrupt politicians and a dodgy banking sector and decided to just concentrate on the colour of a dress.

Social media, which has been traditionally been a healthy mix of cats and memes with debate on the biggest issues facing us, pulled the plug on giving a shit any more as more and more users put their opinion on the precise shades used in a dress.Continue reading →

Liar liar, or flyer, flyer? Either way, Billy’s pants would be on fire.

A 26-stone villager who claimed to have completed a 185 mile bike ride on Facebook has been accused of ‘peddling a lie’.

William ‘Billy’ McKean, 42, posted a map of his route, with stats showing a completion time of 3 hours, during which he burned an astonishing 27,950 calories.

“Normally, I believe everything I read on Facebook”, said Pippa Delaney. “But then it occurred to me that Billy works up a sweat just taking his trolley back in Tesco’s car park. And also, he doesn’t own a bike.”Continue reading →

Stupid friends you have on Facebook are persisting in sharing Britain First’s posts, despite it being obvious that the organisation is a bunch of Nazi fuckwits, it emerged today. The arrival of remembrance season has made your less intelligent acquaintances even more tiresome than usual, with many happy to share a photo of Hitler provided it has a poppy and a starving dog in the picture.

Hopes had been high that even the most disappointing of your friends would have realised by now that sharing these posts is the online equivalent of wearing your own faeces as a hat, but sadly the penny seems yet to drop.Continue reading →

Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”Continue reading →

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”Continue reading →

They also found that no matter how much they flooded timelines with posts that say what decade you are, what dinosaur you are, or what Cluedo murder you are most likely to commit, most people failed to have any emotional connection to them and generally ‘didn’t give a shit’.

“What we found is people who reply to the depressingly vague ‘why me 🙁 ‘posts with ‘what’s up babe’ ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and ‘PM me’ aren’t concerned but just fancy a bit of a gossip,” Mark Zuckerberg explained.

“In fact the only time people felt a negative emotional reaction to a post it was quite a dramatic one with severe threats of violence increasing ten-fold when a user gets another bloody request to play Candy Crush Saga.”

Harold bee-fancier Chloe Ackroyd is considering suing her employers after they gave her a formal disciplinary warning yesterday. Ackroyd agrees that once again she’d arrived late for work on Saturday but says her boss refused to accept her genuine explanation as valid.

“I’d popped into Dunstable Station to buy a skinny cappuccino and there was a rather tired bee on the platform,” she explained “I couldn’t leave it to be crushed so scooped it up in my cup.” Continue reading →

After #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading →

Computer gaming enthusiasts have spoken of their excitement that the new Virtual Reality headset ‘Oculus Rift’ could bring an enhanced virtual world where life is better than reality, largely because it could be a world where Facebook never existed.

“Just imagine it,” purred Call of Duty champion Darren Wheatley. “A world of infinite scope, where physical boundaries mean nothing and the impossible is everyday. And there are no sodding Candy Crush invites.”

Virtual Reality has been the elusive holy grail of human/machine interface design since the very first computers, when scientists were only dimly aware that there would one day be an endless dirge of witless memes and boring ex-colleagues to escape from.

One factor which may however be a slight cloud on the horizon is the fact that the company behind Oculus Rift has actually just been bought by Facebook, which introduces the slight possibility that everything will quickly get bollocksed up beyond belief.

Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg was characteristically upbeat about the purchase, dismissing concerns that his giant slimy octopus of a company is certain to drag all hopes and dreams into its slathering maw. Speaking to journalists this morning, he insisted:

“It’s going to be special. We have the finance to back this, and we really can make it work. A whole new world of online interaction will open up, this could be the start of a new universe of interpersonal engagement.”

“And in this new universe, there won’t be any fucking Facebook, how awesome is that? Sorry?”