4/30/2007

Last night I got into a conversation with a friend of mine about bad landlords we've had. My last landlord was a nightmare. Despite my requests, she took a year and a half to repair a leaky roof - a leak that I had nothing to do with. It finally got to the point that when it rained, it didn't just drip like a leaky faucet. No, there was a continuous stream of water that would soak my kitchen floor. There were all sorts of problems with the place, but I learned early on that trying to get her to fix something was futile. She tried to stick me with a, get this, $1700 cleaning bill after I moved out. I ignored it and she never followed up.

I thought I had it bad, but my friend's took the prize. He lived for a year in Jersey City in an apartment that, according to him, should've been condemned. He had roaches, mice, and a huge snake that lived beneath his floor. One day, his landlord knocked and asked to use his bathroom. He let him in and went back to whatever he'd been doing. When he went to use the bathroom, he found his toilet and the area surrounding it drenched with piss. The guy hadn't even made an effort to get it in the bowl. The next time he tried this, my friend wouldn't let him in, despite the landlord telling him he had to and that, after all, he was the landlord.

A later encounter involved his landlord instructing him that the water bill was too high and that it was his fault. Nevermind the fact that he lived alone and beneath him was a family of ten in the same size apartment as his. Hmm, I wonder who was using all the water!

The landlord took him outside and showed him a water main valve on the outside of the house. He told him that he was supposed to shut off the water each day when he left for work. My friend told him to go fuck himself and that he wasn't going to shut off everyone in the building's water. The landlord proceeded to shut the water off himself. My friend told him he'd just wait until he got in his car and turn it right back on. The landlord warned him at this point not to, and things were getting heated. The landlord got in his car and my friend turned the valve back on, screaming in a George Constanza voice, "I TURNED IT BACK ON!" as the guy drove away.

We decided the best landlords are the ones that fix broken shit promptly, leave you the hell alone, and don't pee all over your bathroom.

I don't know about y'all, but after watching the news the last few days and hearing more and more attacks on this administration, I'm getting nervous.

To me, there is nothing quite as frightening as a Bush White House with its back up against the wall. Who knows WHAT these madmen are gonna cook up to get us all back to the mindset immediately following 9-11 when most people would surrender their liberties (and skepticism) for a sense of security.

4/28/2007

I need a break from those stupid comics and I've been meaning to do this for a while.

I never get to participate in polls. I never get called. No one ever stops me on the street. It amazes me, because with the abundance of polls out there, you'd think I would have been asked for my opinion on something by now.

Now, I know I've only supplied current democratic or republican candidates, so if you are planning on voting for someone else (like one of Grant Miller's "Unelectables"), leave it in the comments. You can do it anonymously to preserve the idea of a secret ballot if necessary.

I know this is really premature. Like me, you probably don't reconize a bunch of these names. I'm just curious what people are thinking at this early stage.

Thanks for your participation and, as an added bonus, my Canadian readers are welcome to vote, too!

4/26/2007

Fred Bassett is like a humor black hole. Its anti-humor is so powerful, in fact, that any comic strip adjacent to it on the funnies page becomes less funny as a result of its close proximity.

I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. As you can see, In the first two panels, someone's voice is alerting Fred that it's time for dinner. The final frame has Fred bounding towards the voice. We learn that hearing that it's dinnertime is "Music to his ears". My question for the author is:

So fucking what!?

Is that funny? Hell, is that even mildly interesting? I'd argue that it's not. I mean, if the final frame went something like this...

...it's still not especially funny, but at least it's on the right track.

I've admired you and your brand of journalism for years. It was a sad day when you left your PBS show, "Now", and it was reduced to a half-hour. However, if that freed up time to devote to shows like the one I watched last night called "Buying The War", then I think you made the right decision.

Bill, I grew up without a grandfather. Both of mine died before I was born. I know this is a lot to ask and that you don't know me from Adam, but would you, perhaps, consent to being my adopted grandfather? Think it over...

This week I've been getting "Not Just The Best Of The Larry Sanders Show" DVDs from Netflix. I'm like a pig in shit. I watched this show for a time when I was getting free HBO, but there are big gaps when it comes to episodes I've seen. It's pretty fucking funny and further proof that HBO is unequaled when it comes to quality episodic TV.

4/25/2007

Hi & Lois probably holds the title for the comic strip most likely to be reprinted in a church bulletin. This is not because it is especially religious, but because it's so damn saccharine that clergy people know that not even the most strident church-lady would ever be offended by it. Thanks to a little digging, though, I think I found one that might come close.

In the first frame we find mom Lois (looking fucking FLY in that tight shirt) and dad Hi (looking like a sack of flour) reminiscing about son Chip and his stubbornness when it came to bath time when he was young. In the next frame, Lois, looking dejected, informs Hi that Chip has done a complete 180 and is now into taking lengthy, record-breaking showers. You can tell by the look on Hi's face that he knows the score. He was a teenage boy himself once. He remembers when he started noticing hair growing where, before, there was none. He remembers the cracking voice and waking up in a puddle of his own ejaculate. You see, if Lois would just turn around and look, she'd understand why Chip's showers have gotten longer. Shit, just look at the smile on his face. Check out the excessive suds around his crotch. You'd have to be blind not to see what's going on! Wake up, Lois, for god's sake! Your son's jerkin' it!

Bonus fact: Did you know that Chip went on to join the army and eventually changed his name to Beetle Bailey? True story.

In fifth grade, I had a kick-ass teacher. We'll call him Mr. S. He was the only male teacher I had had to that point. He was cool. He had played minor league ball and would be all-time pitcher for us during recess baseball games. He kind of reminded me of Sam Malone of "Cheers", but without the alcoholic past. At the end of the day, he would read to us from The Great Brain books. Even though I wasn't into books at the time, I thought these were awesome. It'd be neat to go back and read some and see if I still enjoy them.

Broom Hilda is the spiritual leader of the modern Wiccan movement. Through her tireless efforts, it is now one of the fastest growing religions today. In light of her accomplishments, I've decided to spend some time studying one of her strips.

In the first panel we are made aware of a medical report. This usually signals that there is serious news awaiting us. Turns out, Irwin, a sort of "Captain Caveman"-like creature, but without the club, has been diagnosed as being bipolar. The natural reaction by most people would be shock and concern. Bipolar disorder is characterized by dramatic moodswings, from extremely happy to extremely angry or depressed. You can see from the look in Broom Hilda's eyes, she's at a loss. Just as we are about to start fearing the worst for poor Irwin, Gaylord informs us that his bipolarity only ranges between happy and happier. Now, I would contend that this is not what most people would consider bipolar disorder. However, I am not a clinical psychologist and will defer to those more qualified than I. If it turns out that I was right, I will expect a thorough apology from the people at Broom Hilda for making me worry needlessly.

4/24/2007

I'm amazed at this point to listen to pundits who are surprised by the level of vitriol directed at George W. Bush. They seem aghast that anyone could have such strong negative feelings for the president. The most common dismissal is something to the effect that we're all just a bunch of haters. That's all it is - unjustified hate. It ususally includes mention of the fact that we actively root against the United States and hope for its failure in all areas. Let me state for the record:

I don't hate George W. Bush.

Shocked? I thought so.

Don't get me wrong. I think that, when presented with important decisions, he has invariably chosen the wrong one at every juncture. I think his decisions have caused tremendous suffering for a great many people. It is well documented that his cowboy schtick and smirk get on my last nerve.

But I don't hate him.

I'm more embarrassed by him. Anyone who doesn't think he's in WAY over his head and has neither the cognitive capacity nor the intellectual curiosity for the job must be watching different footage. The evidence is overwhelming. Either that or they are so blinded by ideology that they refuse to admit it. While I'm embarrassed by him, I am equally embarrassed for all of us. After all, we are the ones that, at the end of the day, have tacitly allowed him to occupy the position for two terms.

I respect people's right to hate him and I am sympathetic to that point of view. However, hatred (or strong dislike) for the president does NOT equal hatred of the country. Anyone who makes this claim should be ashamed, for equating the two is about as anti-american as you can get.

The following may be extremely offensive to some, so don't play it at work or in front of kids. If you're like me and don't mind a little profanity, you might just like the theory put forward by Mr. Hicks regarding Rush Limbaugh. My advice is to ignore the video and just listen to the audio. I renew my plea that each of you, if you haven't already, listen to Bill Hicks (if you e-mail me, I can burn you a copy of some of his stuff). Remember, this was done back during the first Bush!

Everything I know about women I learned from reading "Cathy". Actually, that's a lie. I never read "Cathy". You know why? Because it's shit and she doesn't have a nose.

I chose this strip for today's discussion because of its mention of internet issues. The first three panels are pure set-up. Some dude is explaining the concept of "cookies" to a brain-addled Cathy and how they are used to gain valuable information about internet users. Cathy, in a dizzying display of ineptitude, fails to comprehend that the "cookies" being described are not the actual edible cookies she is apparently so fond of. Exasperated, she wails that her other dietary vices have already revealed enough about her. Although it is only alluded to, my guess is that Cathy feels that these things (chocolate, cake, and ice cream) have revealed that she has a weight problem. The truth is, what's really revealed is that Cathy is ignorant and insecure.

4/23/2007

I like it when people have recurring features on their blogs. I've tried a few (remember my short-lived interview series?), but I end up forgetting about them. I really enjoyed posting about Bazooka Joe and thought I'd tackle another thought-provoking comic, "Snuffy Smith".

Unfortunately, Snuffy himself is not present in this particular installment, but his presence is felt nonetheless. It starts out nice enough. Elviney drops by to give Loweezy a new peach recipe. Imagine Loweezy's consternation as she laments the thought of planting yet ANOTHER peach tree. You see, Paw (Snuffy, in this case), is under the assumption that you need to grow different peach trees for different dishes made from peaches, and has labeled them as such. The implication is that Snuffy is a hillbilly and, thus, quite dumb.

I've kept my mouth shut about politics for a while now. I can only muster outrage for so long. I still follow it all, though. Call me an optimist. Contrary to the overwhelming evidence that we just don't seem to give a shit (or we figure it's a losing battle), I like to think someday we might just demand change. Here are a few things on my radar right now:

Fuck all this deference to the generals. Who the fuck are they? Anytime I hear some shill say to anyone who is "pro-bringing an end to this god-forsaken mess" that they "need to give the generals a chance to do their jobs" and "not try to micro-manage", I feel blood start to drip from my earlobes. Are these the same generals that have gotten us to where we are now? Are these the same generals that are too weak to stand up and tell us what we already know - that this is a losing proposition? Fuck them. They are part of the problem. Generals are in no way above scrutiny.

I get equally enraged when I hear people saying that we can't set a timetable because "if they know that we're leaving by a certain date, they'll just wait us out." So, do we stay until they surrender? And who exactly are we wanting to surrender? The Sunnis? The Shia? Al Qaeda? All of the above? Suppose whoever we want to surrender does. We leave. They peek around the corner to make sure the coast is clear and *BOOM*, they're back to their old tricks. I'm oversimplifying, but my point is that, by their framework, it is nothing but a neverending battle. Honestly, do these people think there will come a time where we will subdue violence in Iraq? Dubya is like someone who knocked down a hornet's nest and can't understand why he's being stung as he continues to stomp on it.

I was watching Newt Gingrich on "This Week" and saw him make a compelling case for why the Virginia Tech massacre (and Columbine) was the fault of liberals (watch HERE). His case is pretty much air-tight.

I wondered, though, why Newt stopped there. After all, couldn't the case be made that liberals are to blame for ALL the murders in this country? Better yet, aren't they to blame for every crime committed in this country? In fact, I think it is safe to say that liberals are to blame for anything that ever went wrong in each of our lives- EVER. They're certainly to blame for this pathetic blog post.

Newtie, bubbie, you gotta go whole hog on this premise! None of this half-assed shit!

4/21/2007

I am a firm believer in the good that comes from self-deprecation. Without it, we start to take ourselves too seriously which can lead to a whole bunch of problems. If you have a few minutes, feel free to watch me humiliate myself as I drive to my office and "sing" along in my car. If you can actually sit through the awfulness and list all the songs (or at least all the artists)I'm butchering, I will reward you in some way.

I'm not sure why the video is so jerky. I never claimed to be Fellini or anything.

Yesterday, Alberto "Gonzo" Gonzales, the Attorney General, appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee. News reports have described the questioning as "brutal", "relentless", and "withering".

However, they failed to get the AG on record regarding the issue of most concern to the American people - just what IS the status of his long-rumored relationship with Camilla the Chicken? I think it's time we got the truth, sir.

4/19/2007

I noticed things getting a little heavy on this blog lately. Rather than post about puppies with cancer like I had originally planned, I decided to turn to a sure-fire source of laughs - my buddy Bazooka Joe. Check out how Joe twists Ol' Willie's words around for a zing of epic proportions. You can tell by the expression on his face in the final frame that Mr. Shakespeare KNOWS Joe got him but good. Bravo, Joe! Well played, as usual.

Everyone has different causes that they feel passionate about. For some, it may be the peace movement and protesting the war. Others want to raise awareness for different diseases and raise money to find cures. As I talked about a little in THIS POST, something I feel very strongly about is compensating those who have been falsely imprisoned for crimes they didn't commit.

After Innocence is a documentary that follows a number of exonerrated prisoners, some of whom sat in prison for twenty years or more for something they never did. It's heartbreaking. The majority of convictions that are overturned with the use of DNA testing turn out to be a result of false eyewitness identifications. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and frustration these men suffered, knowing inside, the entire time, that they got the wrong guy. The most outrageous part is that, once the mistake is discovered and the falsely accused is set free, there is no compensation or programs provided to assist these people. Many were locked up in their teens and now have no training or skills with which to make a living. I think it's a travesty.

If you can, please watch this movie. Notice the grace of these men who, by all accounts, should be bitter as hell. Instead, many of them have dedicated themselves to preventing future mistakes and supporting each other as they readjust to their newfound freedom. It's powerful stuff.

4/18/2007

Last night I accompanied a client to a zoning board of appeals hearing. They wanted to be granted a variance that would've allowed them to build their new home outside of the established site setbacks in the ordinance. Their existing home that will be torn down was built before the new ordinance and is currently outside the setbacks. The new home would be an improvement. They wanted to do this in deference to their neighbors, so that they would obstruct as little of their view of Lake Michigan as possible. This would've also allowed them to keep an existing well rather than dig a new one (between $3000-$4000).

Long story short, they were denied, unanimously, despite making every effort to be sensitive to their surroundings. Their neighbors all wrote letters of support for what they wanted to do. I'm not anti-codes by any means. I think they need to be there to keep people from running amok. However, there has to be some common sense and flexibility.

I'll bet that made you sleepy! I got drowsy just writing it.

*Edited to add: This is not the zoning board we went before, but apparently they all look about the same. Ours had four people: one older woman and three older men.

Times seem really dark right now. There is a lot of anger, fear, and desperation out there. People seem to getting close to their breaking points, if they haven't reached them already. It's not hard to understand why people are depressed, or at least pretty stressed out.

And yet...

In my little universe, things are going great. It kinda reminds me of an old Bill Hicks bit about how he'd watch CNN and hear about war, death, violence, disease, natural disasters, etc. and then look out his window and see none of it, just hear crickets chirping, and wonder where all this shit is happening. For the first time, I am in love with a wonderful woman. I have a new car, business is decent, and my family and friends are happy and healthy.

Allow me to get mushy for a second. Part of my overall good mental health is due in some part to you, my blogging friends. Although I haven't been leaving as many comments as I'd like lately, I read each of your blogs daily and take comfort in knowing that there are decent, creative, funny people out there who care about others and the world around them. I know we all tease and bitch and mock, but under it all is a goodness that is evident. I don't say it often enough (probably because you'd all make fun of me), but I sincerely value this dialogue we have. Writing the shit that I write, both the serious and nonsensical, has been one of the most cathartic things I've engaged in. I appreciate what y'all have given me - a lot of laughs, but also a sense of community that makes me feel good.

I had avoided this movie for a long time, assuming it would be some sort of "Let's roll!"-style, hyper-patriotic piece of propaganda. It wasn't. In fact, it was pretty much devoid of any politics whatsoever. Even though we all know how the story went, they managed to make the film riveting and gripping. It was documentary in it's treatment, with no known actors that I recognized. Granted, it's a dramatization and everything has to be taken with a grain of salt, but as a dramatic piece, it worked. I can't remember hearing "Let's roll!" once during it. If you're like me and have your doubts, I recommend checking it out.

This was a good lesson in not making assumptions. Even so, I still refuse to see "Passion Of The Christ".

This comes via Beth. I think it's neat that some of the songs I'm into right now are recommendations from other bloggers. They include:

American Music by Violent Femmes. In general, I like up-tempo rockers more than slower ballads. I also tend to favor sound over lyrics. This one was recommended by Flannery. It's been popping up on my I-Pod often. It makes me happy.

The Mariner's Revenge Song by The Decemberists. Megan has been singing the praises of this band and I can see myself getting into them. I always liked the tune, but then focused on the lyrics and discovered a neat little story being told.

12:59 Lullaby by Bedouin Soundclash. This one was mentioned at some point by my pal, The Boob Lady. Oddly, it's a slower ballad. It's so damn pretty!

Beverly Hills by Weezer. Geo reminded me that this was a song I should probably have. I love the sound and it reflects the helplessness of a guy like me who wants to attract the attention, briefly, of the entertainment industry.

Time Bomb by The Old 97's. Another rocker that I like to play on the way home Friday afternoon and rock out to. I love the looks I get from other people on the road.

Bolivianita by Ibrahim Ferrer. I think this is his prettiest song. You might remember him from the Buena Vista Social Club. He rocks a red suit, no?

The Luckiest by Ben Folds. I consider myself pretty damn lucky these days.

For the record, I am always open to music recommendations, either entire albums or individual songs. There's a link to a list of albums I own on the right.

The Daily Show did a nice bit about my absolute least favorite senator, Ted Stevens of Alaska. You may remember Ted from his description of the internets as a "series of tubes". Ted is also the guy behind that famous "bridge to nowhere". The Daily Show made fun of him HERE, too. He's been in the senate since 1968. It saddens me to know that this slimy fuck will have federal buildings named after him once he retires.

Well, I finally did it. I got a new car. Actually, a used car. Well, a used truck. The last time I did this was over ten years ago. You can see it in the picture. Don't worry. It's an old picture. There's not that much snow anymore.

I have to tell you, there's all sorts of cool new features on cars these days. For example, there are these buttons that allow me to lock and unlock the car (both doors!) with a single touch. These other buttons open and close the windows electronically - no cranks! And, get this, there's this series of buttons that allow me to set and maintain my speed without having to touch the gas pedal! Amazing! I was fiddling with some of the other knobs and was shocked to discover cooled air blowing on me at one point. That is going to be a nice thing to have during the summer months.

Hats off to my old truck. It was a '93 Ranger. I bought it in '97 with 45,000 miles. Since then, I've put 200,000 more miles on it without any major repairs. Anyone want it? I'm practically giving it away.

4/16/2007

Yesterday morning, before heading back to Michigan, I was flipping around the channels at my mom's place. I happened upon an edited version of "Office Space" on Comedy Central. My mom asked, "What's this?"

"You've never seen 'Office Space'?" I asked, somewhat surprised.

"No. I've never heard of it."

"WHAT!?"

Now, my mom may not be super-hip, but she's definitely hip enough to at least have HEARD of "Office Space". I told her how great it was and we started watching it. It had just started and was at the part where Peter shocks himself on the doorknob. As he walks to his cubicle, you hear the increasingly louder drone of:

"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking...Just a moment."

Peter cringes as he turns on his computer. He asks Milton to turn down his radio. He refuses. Then comes Lumbergh and the TPS report issue.

It's cool to see someone laughing at this movie for the first time. My mom was cracking up. We continued to laugh until one of my mom's friends dropped by. They chatted over coffee while I switched over to "Meet The Press".

When I got back home to Michigan, they were replaying the movie and I was able to pick it up at about where I'd left off. I started thinking about how great a movie it is. The writing is fantastic. The characters are perfectly developed and portrayed. There is a nice mix of understated performances (Peter, Joanna, Michael) and over-the-top ones (Milton, Lumbergh, and Drew). In fact, someone I know plays softball with Drew (the "O" face guy, played brilliantly by Greg Pitts) and says he's just as funny in real life. The movie also has an excellent ending that wraps things up perfectly.

This movie approaches the sublime in my opinion. It's near flawless. I always knew it was good, but I think I'm prepared to put it among not just my favorite comedies, but my favorite movies, period.

4/12/2007

For those of you who haven't had a box of Cracker Jacks in a while, let me warn you, the prizes have gone way downhill. They suck to the point that you're better off buying Crunch & Munch or Fiddle Faddle and forgoing the prize altogether.

I'm having homemade crabcakes for dinner. I can't remember ever having them before. Are they better with chocolate or vanilla frosting?

4/11/2007

I don't usually do this, but my pal Frank has really been doing some great shit over at The Sirmarco Letters lately. For a while he only posted sporadically, but he's really been hitting his stride recently. If you don't already frequent his blog, consider checking it out. Call him "Frunkles". He likes that.

By the way, Happy Hump-day everyone! It's 12:30 and I'm still in my pajamas! HA HA! (In my best Nelson of The Simpsons voice.)

4/10/2007

Because she is too busy sunning herself and drinking champagne cocktails, Megan has asked me to tackle some of her pending letters to the editor. I am going to try and do it with the same tact and eloquence that she always does. Here goes:

Bums at bus station

When my sister passed away, I travelled to Pittsburgh via bus. The Norfolk terminal was disgusting - so many beggars, bums, and delinquents at that station.

All my other stops were great. Security and cleanliness were intact. Hats off to the stations in Pittsburgh, Washington, D.C., and Richmond.

Norfolk, though, needs work. Get those bums out who are not travelling from Norfolk's station.

4/09/2007

This is your humble blogger checking in from the beautiful outer banks of North Carolina. I should warn you, I feel a little off-kilter. For one, I'm posting at night. I'm on a foreign computer. Plus, I've enjoyed a number of G & Ts over the past few hours.

In addtion to all this, I have been filled with the glory of the holy spirit. You see, as of a few hours ago, I am born again. This transformation has nothing to do with the recent resurrection festivities or any other divine interventions (gin). It is all about convenience. I've decided to give up and give in. Some of life's questions are just too tough. There is one thing I've found to make it all a little easier. One thing that can free me from the torment of all those unanswerable questions.

It's baby Jesus.

Baby Jesus is all you need. It's so simple. All of life's mysteries can be chalked up to the will of baby Jesus. Like, for instance, where does gin come from? Baby Jesus! Why are limes green? Baby Jesus! Why does the ice in my glass melt? Well, because the room temperature is above 32 degrees. And why is that? B to the mutha fuckin' J, baby!

I've got more shit in my bag of tricks, so stay tuned. Right now, I'm off to seek a job in the Bush White House.