Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Invisable again

I just want to matter. I mean really matter. But I don't feel as if I do.

Oh it matters if food is made or not. Or if the house is picked up. Or even if the laundry is clean or not. And he's great about helping me out with those things...usually.

But my opinion is never really wanted. And if it's asked for, it's only a smoke screen. I'm tired of not being important enough to be heard.

Why ask for my opinion on something if you really don't give two flips what it is? After 11 years of marriage, I have learned I don't matter. When ever he asks for my opinion on something, or wants to talk about something important, all that happens is that he wants to hear I agree with him. And if I don't, he won't listen to my points at all. He is stuck on his same merry-go-round of HIS points, why HIS way is right and MY was is wrong. He will argue with you, cut you off, and not let up until you give in. I'm running out of the energy I once had to fight with him about such things. He has NEVER taken my opinion into consideration when it came to anything important in our marriage.

I begged for another child, he had 101 reasons as to why we were done. So I gave up on it. (Thank you God for the redemption here! I did have a surprise miracle girl).

I did not want to take a second mortgage out on our old home. I screamed. I begged. I cried....A LOT. He wouldn't budge. In his mind it was STILL the right thing to do (even though we foreclosed on it during our bankruptcy). In my mind, if he would have just taken my wishes into consideration, we'd still be there.

Today's hot topic was finances and insurance and FLEX plan. It really didn't matter what I said. If I wasn't agreeing with him, I was wrong. When I don't agree with him, I always am in his eyes. He really doesn't value me at all. He makes every major decision on his own and bullies me into going along with it. And if I don't, he'll do it anyway. So why bother even trying.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I tried. I talked, I yelled. He just doesn't care. His way is the only way.

I'm so tired of being in a marriage where my opinion means nothing. His actions have told me over and over and over again that I don't matter. Just once, I wish he would really hear me and take what I am saying into consideration. Shoot, if he ever did what I wanted hell would probably freeze over.

Why does he even bother to pretend to care what I have to say on the matter? When it all blows up in his face, I'll still be there saying "you freaking fukktard...you should have listened to me." Not that it will matter. In his mind he will ALWAYS be right.

He's a good man. He is. He works hard. He helps around the house. His kids adore him. He'll even make me coffee and bagel or fetch a snack for me. But to me, at this point, it just really seems like he is kissing my butt to make me happy so I won't leave. How can a person stay in a relationship where in every major decision, they are cut out? Their opinion is never even really heard or considered. That's not a marriage. That's not a partnership. Not in my eyes. You don't bully the one you love into submission. He does that every time something important is on the line. And after the losing our home, I no longer trust him to make the right choices.

What is a girl to do?

I feel so left out in the cold right now. I feel so un-important. I feel like crying. No use in talking to him about any of this. Been there, done that. In one ear and out the other.

So here I sit. Mrs. Invisable. Good for the chores. Good for mothering the kids. Not good for much else. I want a REAL partner. I want it to be him. But he fails me every time. I am beginning to think that men will never get it. They will keep on going through life self-absorbed.

BOYS ARE STUPID

And I guess maybe we are too for believing in them. I no longer believe in my husband, or any man for that matter. I don't think any of them care much for anyone but themselves. And every decision they make is about them.

I have come to grips that the only people I matter too in this house are my kids. And even that's conditional...but that's kids for you. I will live my life being a good mom. Pretending to be the good wife. It's what I do. Need something clean, I'll do it. Dinner made on the table when you get in the door for work. Want sex? Usually that's yes...no matter how I feel about it. I wonder what it would be like to be with someone who didn't take me for granted? Who really gave a damn about me.... I'll never know. I'm stuck. With a really good man who just doesn't really care about me. It could always be worse.....