Alisa. 37. New Hampshire. Married for almost three years to this wonderful, funny, smart guy. Previously married. Went through in-vitro fertilization to have my five year old magical son Keegan. Stepmother to the charming Isabelle (6). Gushingly in love with our baby boy Harper(1). Policy Wonk and dreaded bureaucrat. Lover of fine cuisine, honeybees, truly romantic moments and the underdog.

Curried Beef Short Ribs

Note: I found this was more realistically four servings.

Finishing this dish with lime zest and juice brightens its rich flavors.

This has been such an incredibly long week. Time is a blur and frankly I don't want to remember all of the details. I have a pain that fills my chest. It fills me to where it pushes to get out and yet I feel empty at the same time. I want to write about it. I need to. But today was the service and I feel so overwhelmed by everything up to this point. Thinking about the days, weeks and months to follow are too much. I'm okay. Keegan is okay. I can not believe how many people love us. How many people love our son. I guess he is just my son now. I hold the responsibility for raising him. There will be help and support. I made plans with Tom and I made promises. They are promises I made again when I said goodbye to him Tuesday. I knew I had to see him or I would never accept the truth. I sat beside him and I told him I loved him and how much Keegan loved him. And I repeated our promises and told him I was grateful that we said things that I could have put off. And I touched him one last time and I did not want to say goodbye but he was already gone. I went through everything and I planned the service and I went to his house. I went to help his family and to bear witness. To bear witness for my son.
Keegan does not understand. I told him last night. I told him just the way the counselor said. But he can not fathom it. We will visit the counselor throughout the grieving process so that I can be sure we're doing okay. I expect questions. I expect to repeat it all over the years. I was prepared to raise a child of divorce I was not prepared to raise a child without a father. But we will remember how much his father loved him. You can see it in Tom's eyes in every picture. They only had eyes for eachother.

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Comments

You are a strong woman. You are in a lot of thoughts and prayers.

Shared by at September 14, 2006 8:08 PM

Alisa I feel so sad for you. I can not imagine losing such an important part of your life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Alisa, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. If you need anything, please email me. My Daddy died when I was 9, and I've grown up without a father, so I feel for Keegan. I can also help put you in touch with my Mother if you need someone to talk to as she's raised a baby without a father. ((hugs))

I had to check in again. You were on my mind all last night. I wish there were words for this...there just aren't any.

Know that you're being thought of a great deal...I know you will get through this and you will get Keegan through this, too. It will take time.

I know you've got a lot of family and friends for support, but if you ever need to talk...you've got my email...I send you and Keegan lots of hug and love...and if you ever need to talk things out (or write them out), we're all here for you.

Alisa, I've been reading your blog off and on for quite awhile. I can't remember if I've ever commented before. I was shocked to read about Tom's passing. I've sat here and cried thinking about what you are going through. I have three kids and I can't imagine. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful Mother and I'm glad you have Jeff (I hope I got his name right) to help you get through this and your friends. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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