Brainthoughts

Because that's what they are and titles are hard

Last Monday

So I was riding home on the subway after work. It was around 7 and I was SO hungry. All I could think about was my stomach. It was crowded and all seats were taken as per usual. I was holding onto one of the poles with both hands, scoping out the people around me, and I find myself staring at this girl sitting to my right. She is super grungy, she has two HUGE suitcases next to her, and she is talking to the woman next to her, maybe a friend maybe not. She has her right arm out propped up on one of her suitcases, and her arm is WRECKED. The pit of her elbow was scattered with scabs and track marks. There was bruising, and little webs of white, veiny strands extending from the scabs. It was really gross, and I could not look away. I started psyching myself out and thinking about this kid I went to elementary school with who just died of an overdose a few months ago, and I was thinking about the fact that when you do a lot of heroin your veins collapse... my brain was swimming with little thoughts and tidbits and I was getting really overwhelmed. The thing that was making me freak out the most was the girl herself. Like I don't know anything about her or whatever, but the way she was sitting, and the vibe I got from her, was similar to that of a newly engaged woman who wanted to show off her ring but didn't want to say anything directly. Like you know, trying to show off the ring by using her hands in obvious ways so people will notice. But this girl did not have a shiny ring but a nasty arm. But who sits with their arm out an open like they are getting ready to donate blood? I just felt like she was trying to show it off, and it was so gross, and I was thinking about everything too much, and I started to feel physically ill. I was feeling nauseous and overheated and tingly. So I looked away from the girl (finally - my eyes were glued) and tried to think about something else. I started getting so light-headed and I thought I was going to spew. Then my nausea went away and I felt so tired, and I realized that I was going to pass out. It was definitely going to happen. My vision was getting cloudy and dark and I was so claustrophobic, and I was DETERMINED to fight it. I had to think quick. I was trying to decide if sitting on the ground would be too weird a move, or if I should get off the train at the next stop, but then I would have to wait for the train again and who would want to do that? I was sure that if I just took slow deep breaths I would be able to get oxygen to my brain or something and snap out of it. Someone then tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I wanted their seat, which was disorienting because I was on the ground. I had totally fainted. But I did not do a classic princess faint. I had been holding onto the pole, and was still holding the pole, and had slid down into a squat. I firemanned my way into a squat faint. I told the girl that having her seat would be great, and then another girl presented me with a banana, then a third girl asked if I needed to be escorted home. Everyone was being very nice and I announced I was fine and thank you. Then I became "that guy" that everyone on the train stares at, to see if she will perform again.

an afterthought I had was that fainting must be similar to the sensation of dying, right? Everything going cloudy and dark slowly until the lack of consciousness sets in. Like when you're in a sword fight battling for honor and you've been slain, but you have a few moments to hold the face of the person you love and have your last monologe, thats when it would feel like fainting. Right before your hand drops and your love yells NOOOOOOO to the skies. Right?