Q: I am a widow who has two sons 13 and 11. I am dating the divorced father of one of my older son's friends. My son knows that I am dating someone but he doesn’t know who. However our sons see us together at their sporting events. Now the relationship is moving forward and I feel my kids should know who I am dating. When is the best time for both of us to tell our kids?

A: Tell your children as soon as possible says the Help for Families panel. They already may suspect or even know what’s going on.

“Kids of this age are very perceptive of this kind of thing,” says panelist Denise Continenza. “I can understand your caution in case the relationship doesn’t work out, but the longer they are left out of loop the more damaging it can be to the trust between parent and child.

Sit down and talk to them about your relationship.

“Tell them ‘we have fun together and enjoy each other’s company.’” Continenza says. “Don’t build a fantasy for your children.”

Your friend also should tell his son so you will both be on the same page, says panelist Bill Vogler.

“After you’ve told them about your relationship, limit any overt displays of intimacy,” Vogler says. “It’s hard for teens to see parents being intimate. You will be doing your kids a favor by being discreet.”

Also be clear to your children what you mean by dating.

“Don’t assume teens know what dating means,” Vogler says. “Be clear with yourself what it means in your relationship. Say ‘we want to spend special time together and eat meals together.”

You should sit down with the kids and talk about what it means to be widowed,’ says panelist Michael Daniels. “Talk to them about the potential for dating.”

This is a transition and sometimes transitions are difficult, says panelist Suzanne Mulhern.

“Talk to them about how they are feeling,” she says. “Be observant.”

Your children most likely have their own loss issues, says Vogler.

“You need to pay attention to their issues,” he says. “Don’t expect that this guy will become their surrogate dad.”

Be prepared for any kind of response when you tell them, Daniels says.

“They may say ‘we already knew’ to displaying outright anger,” he says. “There may be jealousy, feelings of betrayal, excitement, or happiness. It is likely there will be layers of emotion. It also may change the relationship between your older son and his friend.”

The panel agrees it is good that you have found a new relationship.

“It is important that you take care of your own needs,” Vogler says. “But your primary concern needs to be for your children.”

Seek a therapist to offer support, especially if your children didn’t get help after the loss of their dad, Vogler says.