A mom's fight with cancer inspired by her children's superhero powers.

June 23, 2010

Ambiguity

U.S.A.! Hoorah Landon Donovan! Yes... we were up at 7 AM (okay 7:31 for me) watching the US beat Algeria. They finally scored 92 minutes into the game and around 2 minutes before it ended.

As I just set up the link to Landon Donovan, I stopped to reflect on how much this blog has changed over these past years. And I'm unsure of what it will become.

I am settling into life without cancer. My chick-fluffed head and new wrinkles are the only real clues of the endured ordeal. Tom and I have been trying to find our new balance now that I have energy. The systems and routines have been created around the understanding that every routine is temporary (until I get better). And now that I am, we really have to rethink those patterns.

Adeline dropped my cell phone, and now I can hear it ring but cannot answer it. The screen is white. My computer is fixed now (a dislodged battery. whew.), but I am out of the practice of checking my email and so haven't. The boys have been in the park behind the house doing tennis and swimming lessons with a few friends. Two high school neighbors have been entertaining them in between lessons. I can hear them all splashing and enjoying from the house... the sounds of summer... I love being close enough to hear those sounds of new found freedom.

Meanwhile Tom and I have been working on systems. We've cleaned out every room in the house and reorganized. It was long overdue. Our goal was to finish by the time we leave for Tahoe (this weekend), so that when we come back we can get down to writing and editing sans clutter. It's symbolic, too. We're starting fresh and cancer-free: things are different this time.

The kids are really believing that this cancer business might be done. Each one has asked more questions of me regarding cancer during these past 2 weeks than during the entire 3 years I was fighting it. Adeline wanted to know what they cut out exactly. Cole wanted to know the name of what made me sick. George wanted to tell me that he had been right... mine was not the kind of cancer you died from. I guess he was right.

So here I am trying to get back into the flow and enjoying the ambiguity of it all. I don't need to know what the balance is, what the blog is, what the exact systems are... They are all a work in progress and will remain happily so.