Play date etiquette

24th January 2016

I am British so I say sorry a lot. But I don’t think I ever say sorry more than when I’m on a playdate with a new mum friend. I don’t mean to. It makes me uncomfortable when people constantly apologise in my house. But there are so many sorry possibilities…

I’m so sorry he pushed Tom (I’m sorrier that you didn’t see Tom snatch and snarl ‘I hate you’).

So sorry she didn’t eat much, she’s picky (she’s had sausages 3 times in the last 2 days)

I can’t believe he knocked over your plant on your cream carpet, sorry (why would you have soil near a cream carpet? argh)

Sorry the house is such a mess (I’ve tidied frantically for 30 mins straight)

Sorry I only have ice cream for pudding – they’re not usually allowed it ever (*lie*)

Why do we do this dance? It’s an awkward performance of please’s, thank you’s and sorry’s. You can’t relax while they cook. They can’t relax while you tidy etc. Is it a mating dance gone wrong?

The big playdate dilemmas:

Bang on time or 5-10 mins late to allow them a final tidy and not look too eager?

Intervene when the host’s kid hits your’s with a mega block or stay schtum?

How far should you discipline your own angel when they make a cushion castle and coffee-table surf on the host’s furniture?

How do you come back from your potty-trainer peeing all over their playroom floor?

After tea do you get down on all 4’s chasing peas and chips around with a wet wipe?

Do you attempt to tidy up the destruction (risking the horrific wrong toy wrong box) or make a reciprocal no-tidy pact?

How soon after the ‘date’ should you send the thank you text?

How soon after the thank you text do you propose the next ‘date’ (depending on the ‘chemistry’ of kids and parents!)?

Play dates are really like double dates – do you like the mum and does your kid tolerate their kid. When it works, it’s amazing. You have to date around a bit to get your perfect play date matches. Mine usually start in flapjack and end in wine.

Comments

playdating is fraught with dilemmas. I found that, just when I thought I’d cracked it, my/their child made some kind of developmental leap which meant they didn’t play nicely together any more. Luckily, if you get to know the mum well enough, you can always hide together in the kitchen when the play goes all wrong….

I am so nervous about reaching the playdate stage it’s unreal! Haha all the ettiquette and expectations just seem so crazy, so much pressure! I can imagine ending up saying sorry SO many times! #KCACOLS

Yes there will be a few ‘sorry I burnt the fish fingers’, but the positives far out way the odd awkward moments. No-nonsense like-minded friends for you and little person are worth a few sorry dates! #KCACOLS

I remember those days so well, like they were yesterday. We’ve all been the nightmare date and we’ve all been with the nightmare date. I think it’s a rite of passage as a parent to do both! I think a couple of dates generally sort out if it’s a goer. Very funny and spot on post. It really is a bit like dating as you say! #KCACOLS

Chaos yes, not always. In my experience: Girls – little cat fights over lack of sharing. Boys – destruction and devastation. But if you and the other mum get on well you can laugh it off over a jammy dodger! x #KCACOLS

oh the joys of the ‘play date’ I got so nervous the day of the first one, I felt like I was on an ACTUAL date, or an interview to meet a new ‘friend’. needless to say many awkward and embarrassing moments ensued, mostly involving my children’s ‘spirited’ behaviour (RUNNING MUD THROUGH THE WOMANS HOUSE BEFORE I COULD TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF .. BEING ONE OF THEM)
#alittlebitofeverything

Funny enough I wrote a post about this topic some days ago. For years, I refused to do playdates. I saw no point to it and it was stressful. To be honest, I just hated it. But now that my kids are older, play dates are fun again. I have simple rules that my kids have to follow or the date comes to an abrupt end.
Great topic.

Ba ha! Trying handling the play date thing when you’re a stay at home dad. I believe my daughters miss out on social interaction because mums feel awkward about having a dad round to visit. Anyway, I get the sorry thing but my aim is always to leave the kids to it and not intervene unless necessary. They’ve got to learn independent play after all. #coolmumclub

That is a problem I haven’t crossed but I feel for you. I do know loads of parents who don’t do playdates and their kids seems fine. There are parties for the kids and pubs for the parents! #coolmumclub

I have a weekly group play date. We avoid many problems by having it in a neutral space, a children’s play area at a local mall. This allows the kids to run about in a safe environment, everyone bring snacks for their own kid, and if you want to go out for lunch together after then great, and if not that’s ok too. It works great and no one has to worry about their house! #coolmumclub

Believe it or not I have 3 kids and I could count on 1 hand how many playdates we’ve been on!Just not been asked that much.Ooh now I’m paranoid no-one likes us lol!Think I’ve actually been lucky by the sounds of it x #kcacols

One of my biggest struggles is the ‘are we good enough friends now from meeting at playgroups that I can invite you to my home and it’s not weird’. totally feeling your playdate awkwardness pain! xx
#coolmumclub

I find play dates quite stressful unless I know the child/mum well. It’s OK with my 9 yo now but 5 yo keeps asking for friends home from tea but what do I cook, what happens if they don’t play well, someone gets upset, the lift home argh! I keep saying in a few weeks. #kcacols lifeinthemumslane

It really is a dance. We’re still not past the actually getting someone round point yet. It gets demoralising. Trying to break into cliques or at least find someone with something more in common than the ability to have a child…it’s very hard!

Oh, we all say sorry FAR too much!
Good list of questions. Here’s what I think:
1. This is region-specific. In Oxfordshire, where we live, hardly anyone shows up on time. Around 10-15mins after the specified hour is acceptable.
But at my in-laws’ in Jersey, you’re late if you arrive on the dot of the agreed time. Weird isn’t it!
2. I always think it’s nice to bring food, but I never have anything to hand. And then never have time to swing by a shop, unless I want to be TOO late…and what if the mum’s trying to lose baby weight? Do you take grapes AND biscuits just in case? Ugh. Tricky one.
3. FIrst play date – sit and play with the kids. After that, chill out and tell them to play nicely together 🙂
4. Absolutely intervene!
5. Definitely discipline. But then be guided by their reaction.
6. Uhhhh…can you come back from that?! 😀 Might be the friendship-maker!
7. Absolutely not, but I might offer to push a broom around.
8. I’d offer to, but accept it if they say no.
9. Hmm..1 or 2 days.
10. If you liked each other, then propose a date when you send the thank you text. No need to be coy! 😉
FUn list! #KCACOLS #coolmumclub

It does get easier, kids are all the same and none are angels. You’ll soon know who your kids like to play with and you can make great relationships with other parents. We are feel mortified when our little one destroys someone else’s house or hits another child. #thelist

Oh no playdates, what a dilemma! It is always the same questions about it. Bella’s first playdate was great actually. They invited her not us but because it was the first time we were doing this I stayed there with her for 30 minutes. Then I left and asked her to give me a call if something happens otherwise I would be there at the time agreed. When we came back (all of us did: Nick, Sienna and I) we stayed there for another hour having a drink. It was actually lovely. NOw she goes there more often. This was when she was at nursery. Now that she is at school all the playdates are to just drop her and then pick her up. The same with the birthday parties which is actually great!! lol Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I would love to see you again on Sunday! 🙂 x

Because I was a working mum, I didnt have to do the whole playdate thing, which is probably a good thing because like you I apologise for everything.
Thanks for linking up with us, and hope to see you again next week, Tracey xx #abitofeverything