Catching the man of your dreams is easy once you’re the apple of his eye.

1.Fashion. Zippercised and Cockagami can tell you that looking good isn’t easy. But remember ladies, new shoes are worth the sacrifice of a little leathery beer-- in fact, I hear that some new shoe brews may be hitting the beer scene any day now. Career advancement and relationship advice in one hot tip—now that’s a deal!

2.Confidence. Who cares if you are going the wrong way. You’re on and you know it, even if trail is a mile away. I Cunt Hear You and Doucheicorn are happy to go astray with you any day. Cum Crusher will tell you if you look hard enough in those bushes, you’ll probably stumble onto something interesting.

3.Charisma. Serenading virgins isn’t easy, but Full of Shit has to do it. Remember ladies, virgins are more susceptible to your charms because they haven’t seen you puking in a corner.

4.Illicit behavior.You girls know you like a bad boy, but Prince Charming also craves a little danger in his life. Start off by jaywalking in front of the cops. Just Chris and Millimeter Peter can tell you tasering hurts less after someone kisses it better.

5.Endurance. Dick Simmons, Slug, Bitch’s Bitch, Full of Shit, Miss Delivery, and Chicken Bone Her probably think this tip is about Hash Marathoning and then still making it to Monday. The Perfect Woman knows it’s realizing that alcohol makes men take longer, and preparing accordingly.

6.Getting around.Something Blew will tell you that you only will be memorable as someone’s guest if there are body parts involved.

7.Coming back for more. Remember ladies, just because you left him doesn’t mean you can’t go back again. Raspukin, Pythagorass, Just Louisa, Full of Shit, Weekend at Abba’s, and Shit Eating Grin are happy to accompany you back to some bad habits with worse people.

8.Multitasking. Why pay attention to circle when you can be swiping right asks Brown Eye? Why indeed.

9.Animals. Primal Vagina and Buck Fucka will tell you Mother Nature will drive men wild. Me No Engrish adds that even when your hot bitch leads you astray, you’ll still have a great ride.

10.Just kidding. Sorry ladies, turns out that there’s only one woman we’d let lead us through the delightful fragrance of the Tenderloin, up to the heights of the Great Washing Machine In The Sky, into a Muni station and backchecked out again, with circle next to a school/police station, and that’s The Perfect Woman. You’ll never match up, so stop trying.