Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Apple made a major announcement about the new iPhone 6+ with a bigger screen. The only problem is that Siri is complaining it makes her backside look too big.

Trump Entertainment says it may close the Taj Mahal Casino and Resort in Atlantic City unless it can cut expenses drastically. What’s even worse is that the casino’s 2,800 workers will have to line up to personally hear Donald Trump tell them “You’re fired!”

McDonald’s sales in August were the worst in ten years. The biggest problem is that when McDonald’s sales fall, it hurts other businesses as well. Particularly weight loss centers, cardiologists and insulin manufacturers.

The NFL’s first Monday Night Football game of the year dropped in ratings from 2013. In fact, the only program featuring NFL players that gained an audience was the episode of “Cops” featuring Ray Rice.

Elementary schools across the country are joining in on “meatless Monday.” Which usually means a class field trip over to Taco Bell.

The U.N. says that carbon dioxide pollution levels are at a record high. The good news is that the more CO2 there is in the air, the less room there is for ozone, sulfur oxides and fluorocarbons.

Ray Rice’s wife slammed the media and the punishment against her husband, calling it a “nightmare.” In fact, it was almost as much as a nightmare as getting attacked and knocked out by an NFL football player in an elevator.

Dick Cheney is urging the GOP to support a hawkish national defense. For one thing, starting more wars is a great way for people who can’t find work in this economy to put on a uniform and finally have a steady job.

A study says that 40% of airplane pilots that were involved in crashes were using drugs or some kind of medication. The other 60% just overdid it a bit on the number of cocktails they drank during the flight.

Prince Harry says now that William and Kate are having another baby, he “can’t wait” to see his brother suffer more. Especially if it’s another boy and it turns out be as wild as Harry.

Apple made an announcement for a watch that will have apps, a health and fitness tracker and will be able to communicate with iPhones. Apparently the only thing the watch doesn’t do is let you know what time it is.

Ray Rice says after being fired by the Baltimore Ravens, he has to be strong for his wife. Isn’t that what started his problems in the first place?

Ray Rice and his wife have hired a PR firm to try to repair his public image. The worst part is they were turned down by the PR companies who worked with O.J. Simpson, Mel Gibson and Osama bin Laden.

Burger King says its company operations will stay in Miami and not move to Canada after merging with Tim Hortons. Mostly because the Burger King is now 60 years old and there is no way a king nearing retirement age is going to give up south Florida winters to move north of the border.

An 83 year old New York woman has pleaded not guilty to beating her 89 year old husband to death. Apparently she claims it was an accident when he got in the way while she was trying to turn out the lights by using the Clapper.

McDonald’s has lost out on its popularity to young children who prefer to eat at Chick-Fil-A. Mostly when the kids realized the best tasting and most nutritious part of a Happy Meal is the toy.

A report says that college savings have doubled since the start of the recession. The bad news is that zero doubled is still zero.

A report says that college savings have doubled since the start of the recession. That means that parents are now prepared to pay for up to two books when their child goes off to college.

Wednesday is Internet Slowdown Day, when some web sites will protest proposed “Internet fast lanes.” Or as people who use AOL will call the event, “Wednesday.”

A report says that late payments on U.S. auto loans went up in the second quarter. Mostly because people figured they don’t have to pay on their GM car until it gets back from the shop for all its recalls.

Jimmy Carter says that China’s success is not a threat to the U.S. Especially since they are the only ones with enough money who can afford to keep loaning us cash.

The Labor Department says that job openings are at their highest in 13 years. Now if the companies would just start hiring people to fill them instead of making their employees work three times as hard to make up for all the layoffs.

Attorney General Eric Holder says prescription drug abuse is a public health crisis. Which Republicans proudly say they are helping to fight by continuing to keep people from getting health insurance that would pay for some of those prescriptions.

A study says that many advanced dementia patients are given medications of questionable benefit. At least they are of questionable benefit to everyone but the doctors, hospitals and pharmaceutical companies.

A study says that many advanced dementia patients are given medications of questionable benefit. Meaning it might not be a good idea to give someone with dementia arthritis medication if it means they will be able to walk farther and get even more lost.

A study says that short, frequent walks can offset the harm of sitting all day. Except when the short, frequent walks are just to the refrigerator and back for another can of soda.

The Olive Garden sold out 1,000 “Pasta Passes” in less than an hour, which entitle the holder to eat as much pasta, salad and breadsticks as they want for the next seven weeks for $100. The only catch is the customer must arrange their own transportation to and from the Emergency Room.

The Olive Garden sold out 1,000 “Pasta Passes” in less than an hour, which entitle the holder to eat as much pasta, salad and breadsticks as they want for the next seven weeks for $100. Otherwise known as the adult version of “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”

A study by the CDC says that 90% of children consume too much salt. Mostly because they find it offsets the aftertaste of all the sugar and fat they have eaten.

A study by the CDC says that 90% of children consume too much salt. The other 10% are just eating too much of everything else.

A study says if a wife is happy in a marriage, the husband also has a higher life satisfaction. The only problem is that the things that give a husband a higher life satisfaction are what drive their wives to want to get a divorce.

Eminem set a world record for the most words in a hit song with “Rap God” using 1,560. Bob Dylan had several songs that may have had more words but no one could actually figure out what they were to count them.

Eminem set a world record for the most words in a hit song with “Rap God” using 1,560. Kanye West may have actually used more words in his songs but no one could actually listen to enough of any of his recordings to make a full count.

Al Pacino says he was offered the role of Han Solo in the original “Star Wars.” The only problem was than when he auditioned, every time he pulled out his lightsaber he kept saying “Say hello to my little friend.”

Al Pacino says he was offered the role of Han Solo in the original “Star Wars” but says he turned it down because the script was “too confusing.” This from an actor who agreed to take a part in “Gigli.”

Kim Kardashian took the Ice Bucket Challenge on “Ellen.” Apparently producers thought it would take a lot less time than if she took the Scholastic Summer Reading Challenge.

Kim Kardashian took the Ice Bucket Challenge on “Ellen.” That’s nothing new. Critics have been throwing cold water on “The Kardashians” since it came on the air.

A virus has postponed the start of Cher’s “Dress to Kill” tour. Not to say that Cher is getting a little old, but the virus she caught was the Bubonic Plague.

A virus has postponed the start of Cher’s “Dress to Kill” tour. Which would be more aptly named the “Dress to Cover Up All The Plastic Surgery Scars” tour.

A new wax figure of Prince Harry was unveiled at Madame Tussaud’s in London. The great part about the Royal Family is that the wax artists don’t only get their images down to perfection, but also their personalities.

A new wax figure of Prince Harry was unveiled at Madame Tussaud’s in London. Not only does it look exactly like Harry, it has just as many daily functions to carry out.

The University of Texas has gotten a verbal commitment from a 13 year old golfer. Although since he has the typical verbal skills of most 13 year olds, they actually got the commitment by text.

The University of Texas has gotten a verbal commitment from a 13 year old golfer. So far the golfer has had several consecutive rounds where he has gotten the ball past the windmill and into the clown’s mouth every time.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been sentenced to five years in prison in Texas for a probation violation. The sentence says he won’t have to actually serve any time, so at least it’s good to see he still leads the league when it comes to incompletions.

Billionaire Terry Pegula has bought the Buffalo Bills for $1.4 Billion, beating out a bid by Donald Trump. The reason Trump was turned down is that it was rumored he was going to change the name of the team to the Badgers after the one that he keeps on his head.

Billionaire Terry Pegula has bought the Buffalo Bills for $1.4 Billion. There is only one question most people have for the new owner. Why would anyone with a billion dollars still live in Buffalo?

Researchers say that humans are killing off species faster than nature can create them. The only question is if we are the ones responsible for killing off species, how are there possibly any chickens and cows still left on the planet?

Researchers say that humans are killing off species faster than nature can create them. Fortunately for the other species, between wars, diet and reality TV, we have pretty much committed to wiping out ourselves first.

A survey says that Burger King is losing customers after announcing it would be moving to Canada. Mostly because Americans still just can’t get used to ordering lunch and getting a mooseburger topped with Canadian bacon and a beer.

Honda says it will start making self-driving cars available by 2020. The car’s will use cameras mounted in the back to detect other vehicles. Which means the 2020 models really will have hindsight.

Honda says it will start making self-driving cars available by 2020. The car’s will use Radar to detect other cars. The good news is not only will they be able to use the Radar to avoid accidents, they will be able to forecast a 20% chance of rain.

An executive at the dating site Tinder has been forced to resign over a lawsuit claiming he harassed a co-worker. It’s just too bad he didn’t have access to some way of meeting other women he could have gone out with.

A survey says that 32% of Britons get less than the recommended seven hours of sleep each night. Researchers aren’t sure why they are suffering from a lack of sleep. It’s not like they are spending a lot of time before bed brushing and flossing their teeth.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NFL is really catching some heat about the Ray Rice incident. For once it is the league and not the players’ wives who are taking it on the chin. The NFL is suspending more players for smoking pot. That’s wrong. If Ray Rice had been stoned, he would have been spending that whole elevator ride trying to figure out what floor he wanted to go to. Not joking about a serious subject. Just glad to see pro sports finally figuring out that it’s OK to be an animal on the field, but players really need to leave it there. They need to be more like y’all and be more into instead remembering to send the love!