A 17-year-old boy called into Pat Robertson (ugh, why is anyone who isn’t 117 years old listening to Pat Robertson?) concerned about his parent’s marriage. This is what Pat told the boy. Get ready because it is some ape sh!t nonsense.

“A woman came to a preacher I know — it’s so funny. She was awful looking. Her hair was all torn up, she was overweight and looked terrible. And she said, ‘Oh, Reverend, what can I do? My husband has started to drink.’ And the preacher looked at her and he said, ‘Madam, if I were married to you, I’d start to drink too.'”