C is for Cookie, but M is for Mottos. Which is what this post is about. Not cookies. Now I want cookies. Thanks Obama.

I’ve tried on lots of mottos over the years. A few that come to mind are:

Just Do It. Tomorrow.

Don’t cry over spilled milk. Scoop that shit up and put it in your coworker’s coffee. (I’ve never actually done that. See Motto #1.)

Convince the world that fur is deadly to cats and dogs, so they will shave their pets. Burst onto the market with faux fur coats to keep pets warm. You’ll be a hero. And rich. (Again, see Motto #1.)

Frankly, the only one of those three to ever gain any traction was the first one. As evidenced by my lack of success with the second and third options. There have been others, but I don’t want to give away all of my lame brilliant ideas.

My current life motto is something that’s sort of been playing on loop in my head for the last few months. You ready for it? This one is for seriouses.

I’ll be dead soon.

That’s right. My current Life Motto is: I’ll be dead soon. It’s not nearly as morbid as it sounds (only it kind of is, but only kind of). Let me show you how it works:

Stephanie is trying to lose weight.
Stephanie receives a coupon for $5 off her favorite pizza.
Stephanie exclaims, “I’ll be dead soon, anyway!,” and orders.

Stephanie is trying to save money.
Stephanie receives a coupon to a book store.
Stephanie exclaims, “I’ll be dead soon, anyway!,” and her TBR pile grows.

Stephanie has a raging headache.
Stephanie is suddenly in the mood for hip hop.
Stephanie exclaims, “I’ll be dead soon, anyway!,” and cranks up the jams as loud as they’ll go.

Do you see the problem? Stephanie needs to stop receiving motherfucking coupons, that’s what. No? What the fuck do you mean I’m abusing my own motto? Oh, shit. You mean, this?

Stephanie is being bullied at work.
Stephanie thinks to herself, “I’ll be dead soon…should probably make a change.”
Stephanie is afraid of change and remains in a soul-sucking job that makes her physically ill from stress because she’s a fucking pussy. (I really hate that word when it’s used like that. But whatever. That’s what came out, so it stays.)

Stephanie has doctors who have failed proper diagnoses and treatment of serious problems.
Stephanie thinks to herself, “I’ll be dead soon…this is no way to live.”
Stephanie is afraid of change and feels strange obligations even to doctors, so she stays and allows her health to diminish.

Stephanie dreams of moving to the Pacific Northwest.
Stephanie thinks to herself, “I’ll be dead soon…I should pursue my dreams while I can.”
Stephanie is afraid of change and stays put, pining away for greener grass.

So I really am abusing my own motto. I started saying it to myself precisely for the more serious things I need to address. But it slowly shifted to being used for less serious things (that also end up damaging me when I give in), and I continue to give in to my fears and worries. I continue to stagnate and wallow in my miseries and what-ifs.

I need to work on these things. I seriously do. Maybe once I’ve worked a bit on my mental health, I’ll be stronger, more confident and better equipped to tackle things like my hopes and dreams. Hey, you know what? That’s something I have actually worked toward!

Stephanie suffers from severe depression, for years.
Stephanie thinks to herself, “I’ll be dead soon…why am I content to hate myself and my life forfuckingever?”
Stephanie finally makes appointments with mental health professionals. And has actually kept them so far. And will continue to do so.

FUCK YEAH!

In the meantime, perhaps a Motto Upgrade is in order. You know how people say things like, “I’ll work on it when I have time?” I’ll let Henry Rollins wrap this up for us.

~

Today’s post brought to you by:

The Letter M (for Mottos and Motherfuckers and Mastur…nevermind) and

The Number 99 (ask Jay Z why, since his life is so hard) oh, and also by

Josh, since he told me to get off my ass and write something for fucks sake (I know that sounds like something I would say, but those were his exact words. Get him!) (Also, that’s not quite true.) (Get him, anyway.).

I don’t Rollins in the mantle way. And NO, I destroyed you in both. Even your people have acknowledged the music one went to me. So…there is that. I still need to throw a round two down. I just want to listen to Rollins, keep him on your mantle all you want. Unless he objects. That would be wrong. http://youtu.be/o28dyt7w3As

I escaped my straight jacket and drink my juice out of a bottle like a man! However, that doesn’t change the fact that I won. Handily. So run, you cur…RUN! Tell all the other curs Round 2 is comin’! You tell ’em I’M coming…and hell’s coming with me, you hear? Hell’s coming with me!

Not admitting defeat. I won. Glad you caught the reference. Do you know I actually know people who wouldn’t have. They’ve seen it too, they just don’t get references. It is sad, and I almost feel bad for them. Almost.

Well, I was going Earp at first, but then you picked Doc, which didn’t make sense against Earp (and is cooler anyway), so I had to pick an adversary to Doc because you broke the rules originally. See? And so, back to Earp, “Let’s finish it.”

No, because I’m Earp. And I live the longest. You’re dying of TB right now in Colorado, so…I don’t think so. Although the choosing Doc was a bit tricky. I call it cheating. I was definitely not mindfucked though, I would’ve felt it.

But when he said, “I’m your Huckleberry,” he was playing for blood remember? That’s just his game. You cheated, I caught it first, I win by your forfeit and the fact that I destroyed you in round 1 anyway.

Well, since the fight isn’t in the movie, but is in the world of music, and I have a handy lead, I will let you have your imagined victory in the world of Tombstone after you cheated and let you enjoy some rest. Because when I bring Round 2, you’re gonna need it. “You got a fight comin’!” (Not comin’ today. Probably not even tomorrow, but it’s comin’.)

I love this post! Hilarious yet meaningful! Your motto actually seems like it can be useful! My motto usually is “Just breathe…(fill in the blank)” so it would be “just breathe, you can go to this party and survive it.
“Just breathe, they’re your family, just enjoy yourself”.
“Just breathe, you’ve got this! You will kill it on the squat machine”.
Whichever motto works best for you and is able to push you towards progress, I say awesome sauce! 😄

The Thanks Obama thing is a joke. When he was first elected (and still now, really), people who opposed him were constantly blaming any little thing wrong with the country on Obama. “Thanks Obama” was sarcasm…and it became an internet meme.

Doubt is the drink that will get you drunk
Thinking to much can only give you a good case of the what ifs
I wish I had a magic wand
But alias I don’t
If I did I would be using it on my own cracked ass
The Sheldon Perspective

Keep dreaming of redwoods and banana slugs. My motto is, “They’ll be dead soon.” In a hundred year, tops, at the rate this planet is cooking. So: that’s what we get to do, we lucky few, The Ending People. The last who get to sleep under stars in a redwood grove. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but just the thought of it — just knowing there is still a bit of the old earth left — helps keep me going through the dark times. Motto enough for the grinding days. Henry Rollins, whoever the eff he is, kinda sounds like a manly man douche 🙂 — proffers knuckles, gets rapped —

My profound motto is ‘you could be run over by a bus’ when countering worries about cancer, terrorism and other mundane things. I also like ‘there are no pockets in a shroud’ but why the hell would anyone want to live in a temperate rain forest? At least go for a fun hot one – Malaysia has some nice ones.

Hey! You do not have 99 problems, whitey (Don’t be offended by the race thing. I know you can’t help it). You have two. Maybe three. 1. Severe depression (can be managed), 2. hostile work environment (after depression management, you will find the fortitude to leave their dumb asses behind), and well….um….I think that’s it.
New Motto: At least I’m not the bitch of a skinhead.
Boom.

I think my favorite saying, even at my ole age is….BUMMER…..use if for everything…I used it so much that even when my mom was alive and in her upper 80’s she would be heard saying bummer!!! love you post…kat

Dear Steph:
1. Thank you for following my blog. That made my day.
2. I too, am a fan of Rollins. I have written to him on 3 occasions and he was kind enough to respond to all of them within 24 hours. I admire his drive, his wit, his discipline. I lack these things, although I suppose I have some wit.
3. You sound/ read sad. I wish I had some magic words of comfort. This world/life is hard, unfair and there is no shortage of D-Bags out there, nor any shortage of douchebaggery. It can be exhausting trying to be even a remotely decent human being, and I often question if it is worth it.
4. Please keep writing and posting. That is one of the increasingly rare good things in life. Someone who strives to be thoughtful, who thrives to inspire laughter and others to think. There is a strength within you that allows for you to think and share with others who are in the same boat(s) as you.

Wow. Scott, you humble me with your kind, thoughtful words. I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog, because I love your content. Thank you for coming over…and thank you so much for your words to me.

I suppose, even in a post like that, the sadness seeps through…at least enough for those who are paying attention to pick up on it. It’s in my marrow, and it just seeps out and marinates everything. But I’m fighting hard.

I can’t believe Rollins wrote back to you! And yet, I can…because he’s that kind of person. I love it, and that makes me respect him so much more.

One of his other favourites is “There are no pockets in a shroud”. He is now in his 80s and still has things to teach me if I me able to catch him as he breezes by in his egocentric fog. Sadly mindfulness never caught his attention.

You’re welcome. This site is often just what I need and well worth bookmarking if you write/write a lot. Back in the day we when we didn’t have all these tools (literally) at our our fingertips. http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/fingertip 😛

The coupons really do seem perilous, tho…
I’m not much of a procrastinator, (SHUT UP, CEILING FANS!) but I do have a nice big fear of success to keep me from finishing things. Heaven forbid anyone expect anything of me. Assholes 😉

I’ll give you all my coupons if you clean my ceiling fans.
This is a good offer. My only other offer is to my husband, “I will not use the Kohl’s Cash if you clean the ceiling fans.”
I hate shopping, but the kids always need SOMETHIN!
Oh the shame!

My previous comment sounded worse than I meant it to…I’m not depressed, just a bit confused and not feeling very worthy. I’m sure I’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep. Thank you for being so caring, especially as you are having such a rough time yourself. Bonne nuit, mon amie!

Ah, thank you – that means a lot to me. I’m not so great at it in person, but I’m getting better. I recently told my supervisor that “life is too short, and I refuse to spend much more of it in a toxic environment.” I told him it wasn’t an ultimatum, but that I’ll be looking if things don’t change. Now to follow through!

We had a long two day drive to Florida from New York, still getting my bearings…it’s nice to tune out and relax every now and then…but you always make me smile with your witty writing….I left the poor co workers an empty nut sack….oh well, maybe they will fill it for my return….not…..

I’m glad you made it down safely…I hope you’re enjoying a cozy warm break from the frigid temps. I also hope you don’t get any of this stinkin’ rain over there. It seems it rains most Christmases here!

You are a writer, just so you know.
I looped that kind of thoughts for a long time, then one day I actually did something different. I changed little things and it got easier and easier to make changes, so the looping stopped in some issues and some I still have looping in my head. You will make it one day. Just keep trying 🙂

No. I did ask the pharmacist if all of this shit was overkill (seriously, FIVE scrips). And she said no, they all treat different things and work together or some shit. But every last one of em has those “may cause drowsiness/caution when operating motor vehicles” warnings. Within an hour of taking them in the evening, I’m struggling to focus my brain. (That’s where I am now. I don’t even remember what I just wrote. Hate this feeling.)

I took Lamictal in the past…didn’t have much effect on me. Lithium is supposed to calm you down, I think. What a tough situation you’re in! It’s probably best to see a pharmacist again ASAP, and ask whether you can pace yourself by trying out one at a time.

See, that’s what I thought about Lithium. I don’t think I need that, at all. She kept asking me about mania, and I was very clear that I’ve never had full-blown mania. I explained, in detail, the mood swings I experience. And I don’t think it’s severe enough to warrant that much calming. I see her again on Monday, so I’m going to talk to her about it.

Merci! We don’t do any traditional stuff…they’re just regular days off for us. No Christmas tree, turkey, presents…just lots of enjoyment and relaxation. 🙂 Hope you enjoy your holidays as much as you are able (despite being ‘drugged up’).

Yea I hear you. I have a laundry list of physical issues that have doctors dying to do surgery even though I know the protocols to avoid it in my knees, spine, neck and shoulders. Plus Christmas is not close to what it used to be family wise. Lost my dog and a lot more. So I write and sometimes a whole damn lot. My friend who her and her mom hated each other, the mom was told of a brain tumor a week ago today and I had not heard from her until today. The house burnt down and killed her mom and her dog on Sunday and was like wtf and I am just hearing it now. No matter how bad things are I know someone else is worse off except me barely if at all working of late or getting teasing nibbles. I would suggest going on a writing rampage and change styles and go from long to short and it might help a bit. Go dark when you want and try new styles. At least a bit

Whew! I thought the comments were never going to end! I wanted to give you ONE of my most used mottoes throughout my life. I thought maybe you’d like to use it, too. “If you don’t like what I’m doing, don’t watch me do it!” As it turned out most people from the early part of my life – like family – didn’t like most of what I did so I became a pariah – and they became really boring. Always be true to yourself- another motto – Shakespeare – “To thine own self be true”

My grandfather taught me the Shakespeare quote when I was very young. He told me over and over. It was a very long time before I understood what he was trying to teach me. But it’s also easy to spot the people who care too much what other people think about what they do that they are too scared to do what they want our become so scared of failing that they never try. Falling doesn’t matter. Never trying does.

How the hell have I never seen you until today? http://memegenerator.net/instance/66333754 So many blogs, to read, so little time to write. I ran across your blog by stalking the comments on other blogs, I think you’ve got something good going on here. LOVED this post. Thank you! I think I’ll follow a while.