KAREN HUGHES ANNOUNCED THAT THE BULLY BOY HAD TO LEAVE FOR AN IMPORTANT NAP AND A QUICK MEETING. WAVING AT EVERYONE AND BLOWING KISSES, BULLY BOY EXITED THE ROOM.

"JUST TO REPEAT," HUGHES DECLARED GRUFFILY, "THE WHITE HOUSE BELIEVES THAT PEOPLE WHO LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE TEND TO BE BETTER AT THEIR JOBS."

"KAREN HUGHES," CALLED OUT A WOMAN. "HELEN THOMAS, KING FEATURES SYNDICATE . A QUESTION. IF THE WHITE HOUSE BELIEVES LEARNING ENGLISH HELPS PEOPLE BE BETTER AT THEIR JOBS, WHEN DO THEY PLAN ON TEACHING ENGLISH TO THE BULLY BOY?"

FINDING NONE, HE LEPT TO HIS FEET AND, IN HIS BEST NICOLETTE SHERIDAN, THREW HIS HEAD BACK, PUT HANDS ON HIPS AND SCREAMED, "YOU AIN'T ALL THAT, RUSS FEINGOLD! YOU AIN'T ALL THAT!"

IGNORING ARLAN'S ATTEMPT AT DESPERATE CONGRESS MEMBERS, RUSS FEINGOLD BLEW HIM OFF WITH A "SEE 'YA."

"HOW DARE HE!" SCREAMED AN ENRAGED ARLEN GRABBING FOR A PITCHER OF WATER AND THROWING IT TO THE FLOOR WHILE JOE BIDEN RUSHED OVER IMMEDIATELY, READY TO DELIVER A SERIES OF LENGTHY, PREPARED REMARKS. LINDSEY GRAHAM TOOK A FEW MINUTES TO SMOOTH HIS CRINOLINE PETTICOAT AND FINISH HIS MINT JULIP BEFORE STRUTTING OVER.

"LET IT GO! HE HUMILIATED ME!" SCREAMED ARLEN. "HE WALKED ALL OVER ME! HE TREATED ME LIKE A TISSUE! USING ME AND THEN DISCARDING ME! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? JAMIE DENTON? DID YOU SEE HIM STOMPING OUT OF HERE? STOMPING ACROSS THE FLOOR LIKE HE STOMPED ACROSS MY HEART? STOMPING ACROSS THE FLOOR LIKE HE THOUGHT HE WAS DOING IT A FAVOR?"

WIPING THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES, ARLEN TOOK A DEEP BREATH, THEN LOOKED AROUND THE ROOM.

HATCHET HAD FED THE HUNGRY NEWS CYCLE FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS ALLOWING ALL THE "BALANCE" LOVERS TO TYPE: NO BIG DEAL WITH THE NSA, HERE'S WHAT ORRIN HAD TO SAY . . . .

BUT BULLY BOY WAS FORLORN.

IF YOU ASKED HIM, HE COULDN'T USE THAT WORD. TOO BIG. BUT HE COULD HAVE TOLD YOU "SAD" PROBABLY.

"DUDES AND DUDESSES" IS HOW BULLY BOY GREETED THE OLYMPIC AND PARALYMPIC ATHLETES AND HE TRIED TO LAUGH, TRIED TO SNORT, TRIED TO DO THE PANTING HE LEARNED AS A BOY WHEN HE USED TO MAKE PRANK CALLS TO HIS MOTHER, BIG BABS, IN ORDER TO SPOOK HER, BUT HIS HEART WASN'T IN IT.

WHEN JEREMY BLOOM TRIED TO GIVE HIM A GIFT, BULLY BOY DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

"I GOT THE FEELING," OFFERED ANOTHER, "THAT SHE WAS TEASED A GREAT DEAL IN SCHOOL, FOR OBVIOUS REASONS, SO INSTEAD OF RECOGNIZING THAT THE BULLY BOY TEASES BECAUSE HE IS A BULLY, SHE TRIES TO TURN IT INTO A 'SIGN OF AFFECTION' BECAUSE NOT TO DO SO WOULD MEAN FACING THAT ALL THE MANY CRUEL THINGS SAID TO HER OVER THE YEARS WERE MEANT TO HURT AS MUCH AS THEY DID."

"WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?" ASKED PICKLER WALKING UP WITH A GOOFY SMILE, TOLIET PAPER STUCK TO HER SHOE AND THE BACK OF SKIRT STUCK INSIDE HER PANTYHOSE.

"NOTHING," ALL THREE SAID, EXCHANGING LOOKS AND TRYING HARD NOT TO LAUGH WHILE NEDRA PICKLER CONTINUED SMILING HER GOOFY SMILE.

THE MYSTERY MIGHT HAVE ENDED UNSOLVED WERE IT NOT FOR THE FACT THAT KARL ROVE LOVES THE SPOTLIGHT. SPEAKING TO THE CREEPS AND JACKYLS THAT COMPOSE THE AMERICAN ENTERPRISE INSTITUTE, KARL ROVE OFFERED THAT BULLY BOY WASN'T UNPOPULAR, IT WAS JUST THE WAR THAT WAS UNPOPULAR.

WHEN ASKED IF THE WAR, POPULAR OR NOT, WAS NOT INDEED BULLY BOY'[S WAR THAT HE LAUNCHED, LIED AND TRICKED A NATION OVER AND --

"I DON'T BELIEVE IN POLLS," ROVE DECLARED LAYING HIS RIGHT HAND OVER HIS CHEST, FINGERS SPLAYED.

AS 1 REPORTER SAID, OFF THE RECORD, "THAT WAS A VERY TONY PERKINS MOMENT."