Jedi mind tricks employed by President Obama?

Just a few weeks ago, news about missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 and schoolgirls kidnapped in Nigeria dominated the headlines. However, President Obama has used his anti-American powers to make America forget about what was the top news stories for weeks.

“He’s definitely using some sort of mind control ray against the American people,” said independent political blogger Henry Hank in Mobile, Alabama.

“Just last week I was leading a search for that missing airplane in my holler, but then it was like…I forgot all about it. Something happening in Iraq distracted me, then something about Benghazi…it’s hard to explain,” Hank said. “It was like President Obama used some sort of weird anti-Christian death ray on my mind because he was all over the TV!”

Hank wasn’t the only one who mysteriously forgot about current events.

Feminist and Jezebel.com intern Karen Bloom led a petition for the United States to take action to find the missing Nigerian girls. “Finding those girls that were kidnapped in Nigeria made up most of my life at the time,” Bloom told this reporter. “I quit my job to help find those girls, and all of the sudden I’m drawn to the television by that…BLACK…man talking about the economy. All of the sudden I quit worrying about those poor girls because I ran out of money to buy food and pay the rent because I quit my job. Thanks Obama!”

When asked if President Obama had some sort of mind control over the American people, Bloom added, “That’s silly. Although I do believe he’s the antichrist. He’s using his unholy powers to bring this country into Wormwood!” Bloom said.

Calls to the Obama administration were not returned. However, this reporter got a sudden urge to write about how bad gluten is for you.

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