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10 pounds down 32 pounds to go!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Why can't I have the debilitating stomach virus?

Christmas was great, even with the puking. I, personally, would rather clean up sick kids than listen to people fight so I'm calling Christmas '07 a success. Matt, who was the girls' best friend all weekend and thus was violently ill last night, might not agree. It seems unfair, cruel even, that the skinniest person got the bug. I wanted that virus, it would've made my December goal. It's very upsetting to me and there's simply no sympathy for my plight. It's all "hand me a bucket, move the cat so I don't puke on her." SELFISH!

Technically, Christmas wasn't a big gain. I actually lost a pound but not a real pound, you know what I mean. We were too busy to eat like fools and there really wasn't anything I was dying to have, but I didn't do a lick of exercise. Tonight I have to grocery shop and tomorrow is dinner at a friends'. I've no idea when life will return to normal, I'm shoooting for Monday. We're not huge on New Years so unless we get an invite from said friends, we'll be hanging out and catching up with things and putting a roof on Matt's brothers' house. The house that was supposed to be done, oh, last summer. It's a kerfluffle and I really hope we don't do our house in the sort of stages where you have to shovel the living room before building the roof.

I feel like I've been gone ages but the time went very quickly. I wasn't ready for Christmas and now I feel like it hasn't happened. I got a lot of money for my computer that has gone to other bills which makes me feel like a lot of time has passed with little progress. And on so many fronts. I have to remind myself that everything is fine. Things happen slowly and I have to remember that December isn't the best time to lose all the weight you meant to lose the previous 12 months or to buy yourself expensive things and pay all your bills at the same time. I haven't had to go up in clothing size, I have been able to pay every single bill and with plenty of room even though I was a dumbass and bought myself a gaggle of dvd's I didn't need.

If I can't afford a new computer this month it's because I spent my money on other stuff and next month I need to remember that corrollary. Also, it's stupid to pin your year's weightloss success on the last two weeks of the last month of the year. What were you doing since last January eh? If you were a slacker 11 months of the year it might not be December's fault that you didn't hit your goal. I'm trying to be a realist. Optomism is really great and all but I'm finding it hard to face the fact that I meant to be done by now and I'm not. How many years do I want to face that reality come New Years?

If I make a goal to really be done by next year is that more or less credible than last year's goal? I know I have more tools and more money and more guilt this year, is that enough? Do I want it more than last year? How do you measure such a thing? If it's measured by success I guess I didn't want it so bad. It sort of reminds me of art classes in college. You can work really hard and produce lots and lots of work, but if it's not good in the end you still get a c for your efforts. That could be taken as a cop out, if you're not good enough just give up and be an accountant. I've always believed that anyone can do anything if they practice long enough. Anyone can learn to cook, or draw and paint but you have to work hard and you have to be willing to change and try things, experiment. I have to be willing to experiement and work harder if I really want skinny as a goal. If I don't really want that, if I don't really want to work that hard forever...I have to be willing to accept that. I can't keep saying I want this and then do something in opposition to making it happen. It's not good for me.