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Awaken

Starring: Teen John Connor, Big Chris, the lead singer of The Cruisers & DARYL FUCKING HANNAH

Review: This movie is just like Frozen.

IF the run away sister in Frozen exchanged her power to control ice and snow for control of an illegal organ harvesting enterprise.

But the lesson is the same – if you spend a long time searching for your sister and discover she was hiding an earth shattering secret from you, you forgive her. Even IF that secret is kidnapping healthy people, trapping them on an island, harvesting their organs and selling the good bits to rich people. You have to LET IT GO! (HA! I KILL ME!)

I also observed that women in this universe have their makeup tattooed on their faces. It’s the only way to explain all the lip gloss they found on that island. Also, stretched earlobes are completely acceptable parts of military uniforms.

Also, there were several Asian men in the movie. However the big villain named Mao was cast as a white woman. The only Asian cast as a named character was playing Todd the hairdresser. Who gets eaten by sharks. Daryl Hannah gave the best performance in this movie, but SERIOUSLY GUYS? Next thing you know Hollywood will be casting caucasian actors to play the main characters from popular anime. Oh. Wait. They are.

Where I found it: Showtime Anytime… which crashed part way through. I suspect it was trying to protect me. Netflix doesn’t care about me and let me watch the whole thing.

How much I paid for it: An hour and 29 minutes of my life, not counting the time I spent looking for another free streaming version of this movie so I could find out if Traitor Guy #557 was cast as the traitor again. (He was.)

Point of interest: I have no idea how the title of this movie relates to the plot.

I love bad movies. LOVE them. I have several definitions of bad, but it all comes down to “bad on purpose” and “bad by accident”.

I will watch it if:

it can be described as science fiction, fantasy, or horror (Sometimes I will watch action comedy but these are less likely.)it is described as a mystery or thriller and a serial killer is mentioned in the description.it has less than three stars on Netflixthe cast includes Ron Perlman, Rutger Hauer, Henry Rollins, Bill Mosely, Bruce Campbell, Clancy Brown or Malcolm McDowellLovecraft, Cthulu or Dragons are mentioned in the title, tag line or box art.