CJ one year later

Dear CJ
UGG….cant believe it still. Been a year. Took off work and went to your grave on the anniversary. Made you an arrangement for the stone. I should have been making it for your front door instead. I still feel like this is a bad dream and Ill wake up and you will be here. I feel like maybe you are on a long vaca to Japan and I just cant talk to you right now but soon you will be home. I had a dream the other night where I saw and heard you in the kitchen at mom and dads. I know you are ok. I feel you have no reservations about your decision. Im ok with that as well, but Im the one who woke up quietly crying at 0200 hrs in bed. You know we would supported you no matter what. Just wish you would have given us the chance to do that. For some reason today has been hard. I just want to talk to you. Im still at a loss for words. You just took such a big piece of my heart and soul. I hate being an only child. I hate this whole situation. You broke my heart. We did a 5K run for suicide awareness last month. Why am I doing this!?!?!?
(Oh by the way, I passed the test 😉 Thanks for your help!! Now need to get the job!! )
I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! I have loved you all your life and I will still love you all of mine.

Just posted for my brother who died (almost) a year ago as well. Soon, I too will be going to his grave for what I call his deathaversary – morbid maybe, but it’s concise. I feel so many of these same feelings. Random nights like this, the tears just keep coming. The feeling that they’re just away for now is still too real. It’s probably not going to get too much easier than this either, huh? In some ways, I don’t want it to get easier, or I will feel like I’m forgetting about him.