We’re finally here. It’s the end of 2013 and with it the end of another fun (read torture) filled year of IIMA’s existence. Now, there are two ways of looking at 2014.

One: it will be different. Two: Thank God you weren’t stupid enough to be thinking one.

Eloquence has also had a very eventful year and we’ve decided that we’ll help our friends in the New Year (as we’ve done all year) by getting them off to a good, motivated start!

So, this week’s Monday Masti looks forward to 2014. Specifically, what will (read should) these elements of the WIMWI community be doing in 2014? We’ve sent our field reporters roving and here’s what they’ve mustered:

WIMWI New Year Resolutions

1. PGP Office

We were too mean last year- less quizzes. Also, let’s make them easier, shorter and not keep one every Friday to murder weekend joy. LOL JK, we had the same resolution last year! We’re awesome.

2. Tuchchas

I shall handle Placecom better this time. I will not cry. I will not cry. I. Will. Not. Cry.

3. Old Placecom

Okay, two months more. We will get out without making more enemies.

4. New Placecom

We’ll be different than the old Placecom. LOL JK, we’re also pure evil.

5. CultComm

We’ll get people to attend our events. And make them feel happy about it. Really.

6. Media Cell

We will stop people from writing anything, anywhere ever about anything or anyone who has ever, is or may ever set foot on this campus and be very, very uncool about how we do it. Also, we will print a magazine and read it ourselves because, well, nobody else does. We also have a blog which we will try to tell people about. Maybe.

7. SAC

We will try to gain credibility on campus. LOL JK, we’re the SAC we do what we want.

8. Eloquence

Apologize to everyone for this Monday Masti. Take (it) in the right “spirit” and forget about it…..:P.

Well, it’s that time of the year again! When everyone is full of joy, cheer and going-back-to-IIM blues. You knew this day was coming and have been preparing for it all year. Yes, we’re talking about the start of Slot 5 – the one that’s reminiscent of Dante’s Seventh Circle (blood, fire and assignments), for the Facchas and Lats for the Tucchas (PlaceComm says, “Welcome back, fellas! Mwahahaha!!)

Well, there is a calm before the storm, and it’s called Chaos! Lots of fun to be had and prizes to be won! So, there is something to look forward to. Now that we’ve succeeded in getting you all eager and ready for what’s coming, Eloquence would like to wish everyone a “Merry Christmas!”

What’s Christmas without… Ebenezer Scrooge! Pardon us, Messrs. Archies and Hallmark, but cards and gifts are so overrated! We’re sure you all agree. So, here are the top three “Stingy All the Way” tips gathered from that great Halloween decoration, The Web-

Idea No. 3 -Certificate suitable for framing

The “suitable for framing” part is important, because it puts the onus on the recipient to buy his or her own frame.

I. Type up anything complimentary about a person: “This certificate decrees that so-and-so is the smartest person in the entire world.”

II. Add a fake governing body: “Decreed by the International Committee Overseeing Intelligence.”

III. To make sure it looks like an important document, use acronyms, an indecipherable signature, several “herebys” and lots of different fonts.

Idea No. 2 - Lottery ticket

Who doesn’t love several hundred million dollars? Give the gift of a lottery ticket this Christmas. If recipients win (slim chance), you’re the most generous person on the planet. If they lose, it’s their fault.

I. Buy lottery ticket

II. Make sure numbers won’t be picked the night you’re at the recipients’ home. If they lose, you don’t want to be reminded that your gift was, in the end, worthless

III. Accompany ticket with a note that says, “You’re one in a million.” This is an important step. When giving a cheap gift, it must be accompanied by sentimentality. Because, if the recipients question the gift, they must also question the sentiment. (And most people just don’t want to deal with that.)

Alert:Be prepared to hate beneficiaries if they win.

Idea No. 1 - Heirloom

Everyone loves an heirloom. And most recipients won’t ask you to prove an object’s provenance, so anything can be an heirloom. After all, heirlooms are usually cheap items with a lot of historical baggage attached. In summary: Cheap object + legacy = priceless gift.

I. Pick something you don’t like off a shelf.

II. Tell them, my great, great, great, great- (depending on age of object) grandfather owned this, and I’d really like you to have it.

Note:This also works with real heirlooms.

All this good advice makes us want to sing… But the Economy is terrible and the usual carols of hope and cheer seem just so out of place! Luckily, we found this-

That's as much as we can do to keep you entertained. Our club meets only once a week, and that's our mandate. We have had a long session on 'Networking' yesterday, and that finished our quota of entertainment-to-be-provided under the name of 'Eloquence' for the last week. Now if you, fella tuchchas, are getting bored of your vacations with little to do at home, and you, exchange junta, are still lamenting on how many more countries you could have covered on your trip, please excuse us. We have work to do.

But well, we aren't as bad as you think. We'll do our bit in helping you pass time for the coming week. So, presenting a list of the top 10 sitcoms (our ranking..:)) that will surely keep you glued to your laptop:

An 8.2 on IMDB, it describes the story of a burned-out major league ballplayer, who years after he turned his back on his hometown, returns to teach physics at his old middle school.

Number 9. The Office

An 8.7 on IMDB, this series is a mockumentary on a group of typical office workers, where the workday consists of ego clashes, inappropriate behavior, and tedium.

Number 8. Modern Family

An 8.6 on IMDB, this describes three different, but related families facing trials and tribulations in their own uniquely comedic ways,

Number 7. Two and a Half men

A 7.2 on IMDB. A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

Number 6. F.R.I.E.N.D.S.(Yes, sadly, it is number 6 :P )

An 8.9 on IMDB, it describes the lives, loves, and laughs of six young friends living in Manhattan.

Number 5. Curb your enthusiasm

An 8.7 on IMDB. He's got it all: a loving wife, good friends, a successful career, a great home...Find out what could possibly go wrong for Larry David...

Number 4. Arrested Development

A 9.1 on IMDB, it describes the tale of a level-headed son Michael Bluth who takes over family affairs after his father is imprisoned. But the rest of his spoiled, dysfunctional family are making his job unbearable.

Number 3. Extras

Andy Millman is an actor with ambition and a script. Reduced to working as an extra with a useless agent, Andy's attempts to boost his career invariably end in failure and embarrassment. An 8.4 on IMDB.

Number 2. The Big Bang Theory

A woman who moves into an apartment across the hall from two brilliant but socially awkward physicists shows them how little they know about life outside of the laboratory.

And lo and behold... and you could not have guessed it right...

Number 1. The Simpsons

An 8.9 on IMDB, it describes the satiric adventures of a working-class family in the misfit city of Springfield.

Back in 1992, when President George H.W. Bush was running for re-election, he used the show's characters as an example of a dysfunctional household with poor values. He told voters he wanted "to make American families a lot more like the Waltons and a lot less like the Simpsons."

It's rare that a cartoon evokes such passionate responses from a world leader, but The Simpsons is no ordinary cartoon. The show is notorious for making a mockery of all that is sacred. No one and nothing is off limits to the family, including Fox, the network that pays the show's bills — and even 20/20's Barbara Walters, who's been parodied along with her View co-hosts.

Though criticism has followed the show's outrageous irreverence — allegations from corrupting America's youth to even causing the decline of Western civilization — the show is a hit. Time magazine called it the best TV show of the 20th century. Loyal fans have a seemingly unquenchable thirst for anything Simpsonian, annually spending millions on collectibles.

So, fellas, start calling up your Sitcom sources, now that you know what to ask for :P

Just as the election fever has dropped after reaching its high last week, both inside and outside the campus, Eloquence brings to you yet another version of ‘Monday Masti'.

Mr. Jawaharlal Nehru once famously said “We are men serving great causes, but because the cause is great, something of that greatness falls upon us also”. While the elected representatives on campus get set to serve their cause, here we vent our experiences after the exhaustive campaigns.

After getting to listen to at least 3 manifesto elaborations a day, I bet few of us wouldn’t have hesitated to choose the one with this item in his/her manifesto,

Another reason to celebrate after the electionsJ

Here are some of the quotes about elections:

“People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election” -Otto von Bismarck

“The election is not very far off when a candidate can recognize you across the street”

-Kin Hubbard

“Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion”

-Richard Nixon

“If you want to get elected, shake hands with 25, 000 people between now and November 7”

There is an air of excitement, the campus is full of energy, rivalries have been renewed, thanks to the Fachcha(i) sports meet. As a FB post correctly pointed out, IIM-A is back in “Sports Mode”. A hearty thanks to SportsComm for providing a great opportunity to shed those extra pounds people gained in the Summers break (or whatsoever that small break should be termed as).

George Orwell once said “Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence. In other words, it is war minus the shooting.”Well, bandaged hands and limping ankles are proof enough for that.

A few observations from a keen Eloquencian:

Anyone trying to understand product lifecycle, would realise that a bandaged hand became from a mishap to a fashion to a fad within a week. (But really, get well soon guys and girls)

The girls were as good as the boys in every sport, even though they didn’t “seemingly” contribute as much, they certainly gave their teams a certain intangible advantage.

The cricket matches gave the case-muzzling Wimwians to unleash the Kohli in themselves. (Please note we refer to the Kohli-the player, not Kohli-the ‘inspirational’ speaker)

Lastly, the comment"More than winning or losing, it’s the amount of fun we had which really counts!"certainly can’t be true. If true, I would like to put that as a disclaimer on all my participation CV points.

So, dearFachcha(i)s, give it all you have in these last few days and then get ready for the most awaited moment of December. The time when the campus get even more energetic, the time when our Tuccha(i)s come back from their leisure-trip with enriching experiences at foreign universities and loads of chocolates (hopefully). You will put on weight again……………..:)

After an absolutely terrific (read traumatic) placement (read black market labor selling) season, we’re sure that all the first years are in party mode. Well, whatever passes for a party according to CultComm anyway.

We, at Eloquence, have decided to share in this revelry by bringing to you a few anecdotes of our own that epitomize the brilliance of this unique time in Fachcha lives. All the anecdotes are completely (read maybe a little bit) non-fictional and could resemble one (read many) of our very own batch-mates so do read on with a brave heart my children.

Bank Day with no bank shortlists:

A: “Hey man, where are you going?”

B: “Dude.. going for Goldman interaction”

A: “Awesome dude! I didn't get shortlisted”

B: “Neither did I.. but I heard Goldman has shortlisted so many people that they also don’t know who’s on their shortlist so I thought I’d go and blend in”

Bank Day CP:

1. 1. Candidate: “The debt markets in India are quite shallow.. do you see this situation changing in the future?”

Recruiter: “Who are you, Ben Bernanke? Why thef**k do you care?”

2. Candidate: “I think it’s wonderful that diversity is so important in your company. I, too, believe diversity is the key to sustainable and successful enterprises.”

Recruiter: “I know you are a girl. You can stop”

3. Candidate: “What is the capital ratio of your company and how do you see that changing?”

Recruiter: “Maybe you should worry about getting in first and about that later”

The pain of not getting a “partner call”:

A: “Dude.. I got partner calls from 4 consults yesterday.. I’m so confused man.. I don’t know what to do.. what are you doing? You would have got them too right?”

B: “Dude, the only call I got yesterday was from my mother. I even kept my phone fully charged and checked it every 45 seconds.”

Epic GD Quotes: Death to all!!

“Dude.. that bitch was like a lawn-mower and everyone else was like grass”

“He only stopped talking to swallow his saliva but still somebody interrupted him”

“GD does not stand for Group Discussion. It stands for Going Devil”

After a Chairman GD: “If that is how long companies take to make decisions, India is in big trouble”

And, finally, the best for last:

“There are two kinds of people who crack GDs. People who don’t have friends and people who don’t want them”

Hope you enjoyed reading! Stay tuned for more Monday Masti next week. Until then, hope you’re not suffering too bad a hangover from last night’s rocking (read fancy dress) party that ended at 10.30 and had no alcohol.

Eloquence heartily congratulates all the beaming Fachaas who’ve made it to the myriad consult shortlistsand are on your way to that B-School student heaven where you…

Can't stop using words that don't exist.

Worry that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.

Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you're speaking a foreign language.

Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.

Always-hyphenating-words-that-don't-need-to-be-hyphenated.

Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.

Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by- two matrix.

Tired of having a social life beyond work.

A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.

Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience

… All in all, prepping for the career of your dreams! We, atEloquence, are not only the Public Speaking Club of IIMAbut also the wonderful Fairy God Parents(@ WLS, see what we did there?)who help you make YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!!

Be prepared to be Legendary… and so awesome… that there’s a song about you guys, Already!

Lets say 'Hi' to the coming week with great enthusiasm and energy. After all, the week saps out all the energy from our minds and souls. Sleepless, mentally tired and exhausted, you can't wish the week away regardless of how much you try.

But here we bring you some fun-facts about sleeplessness that will help you sail through the arduous first-year days and nights:

1.Experts say one of the most alluring sleep distractions is the 24-hour accessibility of the internet…omg!!!

2. After five nights of partial sleep deprivation, three drinks will have the same effect on your body as six would when you've slept enough…..makes sense here…:P

3. It's impossible to tell if someone is really awake without close medical supervision. People can take cat naps with their eyes open without even being aware of it….really…:P

4. Anything less than five minutes to fall asleep at night means you're sleep deprived.

5. As a group, 18 to 24 year-olds deprived of sleep suffer more from impaired performance than older adults…don’t blame us then.

6. Some studies suggest women need up to an hour's extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.

7. Snoring occurs only in non-REM sleep……….:)

8. Ducks at risk of attack by predators are able to balance the need for sleep and survival, keeping one half of the brain awake while the other slips into sleep mode…wish we were ducks…..

9. Humans sleep on average around three hours less than other primates like chimps, rhesus monkeys, squirrel monkeys and baboons, all of whom sleep for 10 hours…lucky they..:(

10. The record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes during a rocking chair marathon. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses….then what’s in store for WIMWIANS..:(

11. The extra-hour of sleep received when clocks are put back at the start of daylight in Canada has been found to coincide with a fall in the number of road accidents.

Hi and welcome to Eloquence- The public Speaking Club’s edition for the sports season

Here is when the Fuchchas/is are left with no choice but to whine as the rest of the world is very much connected to the happenings of the US Open and the Premier league. While many are busy mourning the early exits of the likes of Roger Federer and Andy Murray, we bring to you a few hilarious/witty comments of some Tennis players at the peak of their distress.

1.Having lost 16 times in a row to Jimmy Connors, Vitas Gerulaitis finally triumphed and offered his reason as to why he didn't lose:

"Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row."

2.Goran Ivanišević voiced his displeasure on being left of the ATP player's guide:

"They’ve lost my page. Somebody ripped it out. But I’m the main sponsor for the tour! I’m the guy who paid the most fines, so they should give me respect. There should be a page saying 'This is the guy who paid the most fines.'"

3.Pat Cash's train of thoughtdisconnecting:

"Lleyton Hewitt. His two greatest strengths are his legs, his speed, his agility and his competitiveness."

4. Then-Chilean No.1 Nicolas Massu giving us a reason why he should care about his numbers:

"I'd rather be No. 2 in Chile and No. 1 in the world. I don't care about numbers right now."

5.Mel Purcell outlining how he would dethrone Ivan Lendl:

"Sure, on a given day I could beat him. But it would have to be a day he had food poisoning."

6. Goran Ivaniševićexplaining his inconsistency. This was on show during the 2000 Samsung Open where he ran out rackets because he smashed them all.

"The trouble with me is that every match I play against five opponents: umpire, crowd, ball boys, court, and myself."

Wish you an eventful week, Remember to just chill and have fun, most importantly during the worst of times.:-)