It is as though someone has drilled peep holes into the walls of emergency rooms, operating rooms and doctors' offices. I can't look away.

Friday, October 05, 2007

A Kernel of Corn ~ The End

I wish I could say that things ended well. The treatments were tough on Nicole. She joked that she thought Elizabeth was going to grow up thinking all mommies came home and took their hair off. Nicole fought a good fight but eventually decided it was time to stop fighting. I was surprised at how many people would criticize that decision. Really, I guess I was surprised that anyone would think they had the right to question her decision.

I said goodbye to Nicole in June. She assured me that she wasn't in pain and she wasn't scared.

I cried silent tears the entire trip home. I know everyone who saw me that day at the airport and on the plane thought I was crazy.

As soon as I got home, I started writing a letter to Elizabeth, telling her everything I could remember about her mother during those college years. I told her every single thing we did, no matter how irrelevant or inconsequential it was. At first, I thought that I would give the letter to Elizabeth when she went away to college, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it's something she will want to read when she is thirteen or fourteen. I guess it doesn't matter right now, I still have a few years to decide.

The call came in September. Nicole had died at home, in her own bed, with Mark by her side. Just like she wanted.

I will be carrying a locket with pictures of Nicole and Elizabeth when I am running in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure this month. And Nicole will be looking down laughing at me because she knows how much I hate to run, especially in the morning.

18 comments:

Sad but beautiful story. I am so glad that Nicole was able to live and die on her own terms. I mean that I am glad she could make the decisions that were right for her at the end, given the lousy choices.

It may be hard to know the best time to give Elizabeth what you wrote about her mother. I am certain that whether it's in her younger or older teen years or later, she will be very grateful that you did that for her. I like the idea of Nicole laughing at you as you roll onto the race, bleary eyed in the am. She will no doubt be very close to you as you run.

Well written, MBA. It goes to the heart and serves as a reminder at the randomness of life and health. It was hard reading this because it brought back memories of losing my very good friend to lung cancer - a woman with two small kids and who'd never smoked in her life. Like I said, random. Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry that you have lost such a good friend MBA. You have done her proud, both in what you have written here and what you have written for her daughter. You will know when the time is right to give it to her.

I am like you at the moment, thinking I cannot put my thoughts down exactly right. You were both very lucky to have each other. I would have loved to have someone write about my father for me. You are kind to do that, maybe you and Elizabeth can be friends when she is older.