Investigation from the Inside

Some just don’t fucking get it!

Read an article the other day, an anonymous entry on MSN news from a man who cheated on his wife. As I read it, I came to realize that some cheaters just don’t fucking get it, they don’t get honesty, they don’t get commitment, they don’t get selflessness.

Throughout his article (poised as a helpful missive) he implored the readers…namely women, to watch themselves, watch their marriages and how they treat their husbands lest they too encourage their husbands to cheat. I found this not only immature, but offensive. He excused his cheating by finding the typical excuse …not getting his needs met. His affair partner stayed up into the night having pillow talk, he missed that. There was passion, he missed that. She idolized him, he missed that. In the end, he left his good woman only to find his AP was “mentally unstable”. All the adulation he wanted came at a massive cost to all involved, even himself, and he still didn’t get it.

His wife was the scapegoat for his own soul sickness and lack of self-confidence. She was a good woman and an excellent mother, so this was not a story of marital abuses. His wife spent too much time on her kids, on work and on running the life they had built together. So he felt neglected and cheated with a 10 years younger model he met at his workplace. All I got from the article was that he was selfish, self-centred, immature…..CLUELESS!

It amazes me how easily some cheaters let themselves off the hook, as if, there is no other way to solve a marital issue than by lying, cheating and betraying. Why not just leave? I can tell you why not…because it is just too damn easy to have your cake and eat it too. Cheaters want the comfort of house and home, financial well-being, someone who daily puts up with their lesser selves. They also want sexual freedom, attention, validation and excitement from a stranger who is only allowed to see the very best of what they are. The cost to a cheater, is only a little deception, far off risk of losing the aforementioned home comfort, and well, maybe the cost of a few motel rooms. To me its a weakness/sickness of self or immaturity, to be unable to solve things in a brave and straight forward fashion.

The true cost is

a) severely emotionally harming your partner if not for life, at minimum years and years

b) harming your family unit and extended family

c) it involves breaking a promise or vow

d) it damages your credibility, and brands you a liar

If cheaters truly felt they deserved a little extra on the side, why not just bring it up to your significant other? The answer to that question is obvious. If you have to lie, and sneak and manipulate and betray, then its wrong.

Does cheating make you a bad person. I cannot say, maybe in the immediate but I think people make stupid selfish mistakes. Some I am sure are bad people, others it’s a bad decision but it is always a damaging one with the damage far-reaching for those on the receiving end. I have to say, this article hit a nerve, it irked me that it was simply explained away as though it is everyone’s right to have it all, all the time. Smarter people know that marriage ebbs and flows. It has ups and downs, times of passion, times of just trying to hold it all together. With all the controversy over sex education in schools (which is ultra important), everyone overlooks teaching kids what a real relationship consists of. How to hold a marriage together under the many stress producing events of daily life. Many go into marriage thinking it will be a straight line. Many do not understand or are taught that you need to be your own comfort sometimes, your partner cannot always tick all your boxes for you. If you are angry or feeling under appreciated, look into yourself first before you blame your spouse. What role are you taking in fixing the problem?

For me, going through this journey has been difficult but not insurmountable. It has been soul changing but not life crushing in the long run. Is my marriage better than before? In some ways yes and some no. We communicate our upsets more readily. There is more honesty and we are careful now to listen to each other, not interrupt and make ourselves heard first. We say thank you and express appreciation more often. I find myself wanting to do things for him again, buy him thoughtful gifts. Only now after two years past DD has that slowly started returning. Trust is slowly returning, as in trust that he is where he is and doing what he says, but trust that he won’t hurt me again remains. Intimacy is still damaged for now, and I have no idea how to fix it. I don’t think about his cheating everyday but when I do, the anger and hurt well up inside me, but I am able to control how much and for how long I allow myself to dwell on it. Before his cheating I had a blinded kind of love for him, I don’t know if that will ever return or if it even should.

For those of you who are in the early stages, or those who are dragging yourself through the process years later, I wish peace of mind for you. It takes work, determination and courage to stay, I don’t regret staying and trying to make things work….at least I know I will have played all the angles, no matter what my future holds.

13 thoughts on “Some just don’t fucking get it!”

Have you considered writing an article on this? What you say is true and people don’t get it. Nobody understands the hell of all this. I’m having one of those days when I look back and think WTF!!!!!! It’s been over 3 god damn years. Today my husband told me he loved me and I told him I love you too. He asked do you really? I told him the truth- I don’t know if I know really how to love you anymore.
Honestly I don’t know what I feel. Well that’s not true entirely. I feel tired, sad, and kinda used up. It’s not anything is particularly wrong now its sometimes I get stuck. Like you I will NEVER have blind love for him again. I just don’t know how to reconcile that. How to love someone who willingly treated me with such disrespect and tossed aside 30 plus fucking years??? His sorry and love and attention now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth…some days worse then others, not every day but still.
Thanks for your blog. I read and think ” ahh someone else who gets it.” Take care you.

I have never considered writing an article, would not know how to get it published but it would be good to write an article from the betrayed point of view, not so many good ones out there. I sort of feel like unless it happens to you, you don’t get it. I was that way. When I heard the stories from other women, my own sister in fact, I was sympathetic but I really did not get the depth of the hurt and the horrid aftermath of being betrayed by someone who professed to love you forever.

I am so very sorry you are having one of those days, I still get them too but not as often. My husband and I rarely say I love you anymore but I believe him when he says it. I can see repentance in his actions, in his behaviour, in his patience with this process, acts of kindness…I don’t know quite what love looks like either exactly but I have to think sticking it out and not running is a sign of it.

I have an issue every time our anniversary hits…since DD was on our anniversary two years ago and our separation started a few days before our anniversary in 2013. I have actually been in tears in the card section of a store..trying to find a card that suits. Its impossible to buy a card that is mushy or saying “you are the best husband ever”..since DD I opt for something cute and funny rather than the cards I used to get proclaiming undying love and appreciation. Some days I feel like you do, tired, sad at the loss of innocence in marriage, I miss the blind love and the feeling that I married the best guy ever. But I do get glimpses of love, when he is kind, or cute or helpful.

There was an article I read that may help you. It was from the side of the cheating husband. He was so sorry for what he had done, he likened (his infidelity) to a sickness and that they both had suffered from it…it is quoted in one of my posts. It was from a book by Esther Perel.

Did you read my post about my doctors explanation of grief? It is also a great way to look at what has happened to your marriage.

You are still together, there must be a reason you chose this path…or several. It is hard to take the flip flop of poor treatment and cheating one minute and loving you after that. I struggled with that also…still do some days but not as much struggle now.

It sounds like you have been unable to forgive him (me too on some but not all levels). It sounds like you are still angry (I still have my days). Have you asked yourself those questions? I have to ask them of myself on the bad days too. Have you tried to get help with your thoughts? Is he doing what he needs to help you heal? I think that is the most key ingredient in the healing process. Do you know what triggered you today?

I truly wish you a peaceful mind today. If you need help I and others are here at the ready to sooth with our words and experiences. You are not alone, we all “get it”!

Thank you for responding. It was just one of those damn days when the gravity of all of it comes crashing down. I and we have had therapy. He is doing all he can to try and “make up” for his affair. I see my pain reflected in his eyes. I know he is devastated with his actions . Im just stuck. I cannot commit to this marriage yet I cannot uncommit. In all our years together it was me holding us together. I always loved him more than he loved me and now it is the opposite and it’s unsettling.
I have read your previous posts and I read Esther. When she said infidelity is like death by a thousand cuts it really hit home. How do we erase or push aside all that we have seen? It truly is ( sometimes) like a movie reel in my head. No not as bad as the first couple of years but I had thought by now I would be ok. I’m not yet and it pisses me off!!!

Excellent post – I too am 2 years past D-Day and our communication is better than before, but the trust is still not fully there. I do trust he is where he says he is. But, I don’t totally trust him due to the fact his skank keeps trying to contact him every couple of months or so and I still wonder if he doesn’t tell me when she does even though he said he would. But I guess the trust is the thing that takes the most time.

I can relate to going to the store to get a birthday or anniversary card. Half of the mushy ones I toss aside. Hard to say ‘what a great husband you’ve been through the years’ (oh except for that one period of time that you stuck your dick in the skank)… xoxo Dolly

Hi TBML I get this totally, I too am pissed off if I allow myself to go there and the anger creeps up on me some days unbidden. A friend of mine whose husband cheated on her said she was mad for at least two years! Hoping today is a better day for you….its impossible, I think to erase the harm done, and the memory of what happened….but it is possible to move forward, if ever so slowly. I always worry that we will be one of those marriages that “limps along” rather than one of those that heals and is even better after that. I know I am taking the time to figure it out and it seems like you are too. We had a few laughs yesterday, putting our tree up…look for those moments perhaps, everyones journey is different yet the same

Good evening,
After returning from a Hockey moms 3 day get away May 26, 2015 (1294 days) my husband told me he had slept with some one while I was gone. I couldn’t only say WOW, when he told me she was (an acquaintance we both know from our teenage years), I said WOW, then he continued to say that she’s a really nice person, she’s been thru a lot and she has a nice family and he’d still pay all the bills. WOW again. Earlier that month everyone around me suspected he was having an affair but I truly didn’t think so. I told him that if he loves me then he must end all communication with he if we had a chance to repair the damage and if he wanted to stay in our home. That night he met up with her to say its over and the tramp screamed she was going to kill herself… no worries she’s still here. After some investigating I found out that they saw each other at a Wedding Social (October 3, 2014) that I did not attend due to work early the next day. That night they exchanged cell phone numbers and she was hot on his tail all evening. He car pooled with friends in the neighborhood to the event. I had asked him how long it was going on for and he said a couple weeks, when actually it started 235 days ago. Well now its been 1294 days since I found out and we are still together. Whats gotten me thru is my letter writing, my doctor and therapist have told that I should share my letters and help others. I find writing very therapeutic, I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out and how not all understand the struggles that comes with this. I’ve lost family & friends over this crap. Friends who were at the same event saw her hitting on him and following him all night, not ONE said anything to him or her not even me days after. So I totally get it.!!!!!!! Have a great night !

Hi agoodwife, thanks for your comment. I think we are all the same, counting days from our betrayal, all trying to survive one way or another. I agree, letter writing, blogging, its all therapeutic…getting it out of our hearts! I am sorry it happened to you, hopefully you are both in a better place. I did not lose friends but did grow stale on two who I found out knew he was cheating and still allowed me to work like a demon to win him back (prior to knowing the truth). Life just changes…and changes again…I think friends just don’t know what to do in these circumstances, they don’t know if they will be believed..or if the input will be appreciated…that being said, I would always want to know…my sister found my H’s photo on a dating site…she called me right away…and I am still so very grateful for her actions….

I will be at the one year since DD in a few weeks, and I hate that I even know what the hell that means. I’m sad so often. Nothing will happen but I will go to bed sad and wake up sad. Endless sadness. Communication has improved some. Trust – I don’t have time to fact check, but I’d be a fool to trust my husband. A complete fool. We go to counseling together. That helps and doesn’t help. Why did this happen? Why why why? I’m just so gosh darn sad.

Hi again Mona, when I read your comment I saw myself in your words…..the person I was in the first year after DD. The sadness is so hard, you have lost something very dear to you. You have lost the marriage you have, and are trying to navigate moving forward. Communication improvement is a great thing…hopefully it will continue on that path.

As I said in my last response, trust takes a huge amount of time, I am almost three years out and there have been some days when I am just looking for a mis-step, checking his phone or computer, and then I catch myself. Those episodes only hurt me and bring me back into the horrible events of the past.

I don’t know why this happened to you, or to me. I fully don’t understand how people decide and follow through on cheating, I could never do it…its a character fault. The fault can be in the basis of a persons being, or just a temporary fault. You did nothing to cause it…its a bad decision on his part, one that has hurt you profoundly.

I can tell you I am better, I was an angry, sad, obsessed mess the first year…it has given way to acceptance that it happened and then the realization that I am actually a lot stronger than I thought.

My marriage will never be the same. That causes me sadness still, but I am learning to live in the marriage I have now. Most days are better and I am thankful that he is here, some days I look at him and wonder what the fuck I am doing. Its a roller coaster but an easier one to ride than it was in the first few years.

Try to fight the negative thoughts of what happened and look at things daily. You can chase bad thoughts by allowing yourself only a short time on them and then saying “move forward, or focus on something else”

I found that going over the events can become a habit..don’t allow that to happen if you can help it. Some of the sadness will lift hopefully if you can master this.

Very sage words. I have a problem of “disassociation” left over from my traumatic childhood. So I’m taking time to write out what has happened this year, so I do have a record for when I start to block this year out unknowingly. My husband tries to confuse me and I don’t want to be tricked. But as I record each section that’s important to me (on my blog), my brain has been able to let us go. Somehow it is helping me not circle the drain so much.

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