Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Baseball is here! Real (fake), intense (practice), spring training (results don’t count even towards exhibition league play) baseball! Today the Phillies take on the Florida State Seminoles, a college baseball team, at 1:05 p.m. EST. To get everyone pumped up for the matchup, me and CK went ahead and put together the following comprehensive scouting report of Florida State’s squad:

Paternius Lols: Top of the order speed is in abundance with Paternius. Loves to steal bags, clothing from department stores <-- Criminoles joke, boom, right off the bat.

Tank Costanza: Your classic, mashing DH, balls have been clocked off of his 30 oz composite crystal-core Demarini bat (NCAA Approved!) at speeds in excess of eleven billionty miles per hour. Tank carries a 3.7 GPA as a double major in sociology and religious studies.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

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During last night's Daytona 500, driver Juan Pablo Montoya lost control of his number 42 Target Chevrolet and crashed into a course safety truck. The collision ignited jet fuel, which produced a spectacularly dangerous explosion highlighted by a scorching fireball that amazed onlookers while melting nearly everything within a moderate radius and caused all events relative to the race to come to an immediate and historic halt. Here at I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay, we call that a 2-1 breaking ball.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Spring Training is in full-friggin’-swing now, and holy crap, you guys. I can’t wait for this season to start! So much awesomeness happened over the last week. Remember that time that Roy Halladay wrestled a snake? Yeah, well he talked about it! And I don’t even care that he said that he didn’t wrestle a snake because it’s a way better story that way. AND he said “the snake bit him on the backside.” Holy crap, you guys: “The snake bit him on the backside”. ROY HALLADAY ACTUALLY SAID THOSE WORDS!

Then there was that time that Dom Brown said “I’m coming to win a job.” Nearby, Ruben Amaro snickered and then Dom said “Awwww man.” Well, okay, I don’t know if that actually happened and The Koala didn’t actually mention it in his post but holy crap, you guys. How funny would that have been?

Speaking of conversations I didn’t actually hear but I bet were totally hilarious, Jimmy Rollins and Cholly got together to talk about hitting on Friday. Holy crap, you guys. I bet Jimmy was just sitting there all confused as Cholly told a story that didn’t have anything to do with anything.

Holy crap, you guys. On Sunday, some dude named Roy Halladay threw some BP. No word yet on how many faces were broke (Editor's Note: A billionty), but I assume that at least one non-roster invitee got all kinds of cuttered.

Speaking of faces, Scott Podsednik didn’t even give a fudge that it was spring training when he made this diving grab. WEB GEM! Holy crap, Podfather. It’s just spring training. Save some for Allentown, okay?

Oh, and one last thing. I’ve been kinda busy at work lately and lost track of what date it was. Then on Friday my girl tells me that we leave for Clearwooder in EIGHT DAYS. Holy crap, you guys. I can’t wait.

Friday, February 24, 2012

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Okay look sometimes these things just happen and you don't know how or why but you just roll with it and hope that it ends up becoming a permanent thing and that come April your new highest paid closer is running out to a track off of Slippery When Wet.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Earlier today Roy finally sat down to discuss his heroic offseason, and naturally the MOST IMPORTANT thing that everyone wanted to talk about was when he rescued a naked Amazonian man from a giant anaconda, a story broken right here by yours truly (*breathes on fingernails, rubs them on shoulder*) an entire month after it actually happened.

Roy goes on to say that more people have asked him about wrestling a snake (he CLAIMS he didn't actually wrestle it, but I think we all know otherwise) than his perfect game or playoff no-hitter, and also calls the assembled beat writers donkeys for asking him about wrestling a snake in the offseason instead of baseball or going to the zoo.

Over on his Posterous page, Pet Razor noticed an incredible bit of accidental (OR WAS IT?) synchronous Twitter art that was too good not to share on the bolg. IT'S SPRING TRAINING, FOLKS, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT.

And HEY! speaking of art, Sarge, at least it appears Ryan didn't take any cues my action figure gag this offseason. I mean, his foot is still attached and everything.

As you know, we're all about innovation here on the bolg. So here's ZWR's hype man Ryan with a new feature we like to call the Spring Training Hype-Ometer. Be sure to stay tuned to ZWR all spring training long as we continue to bring you the world's most face breakingest coverage of all the SERIOUS events taking place in Clearwooder.

Take it away, Ryan:

Holy crap, you guys. It’s finally here. You guys! IT’S HERE! IT’S SPRING TRAINING! And as you may be able to tell, I am pretty freakin’ hyped about it. It’s been kind of a rough week for me, so pitchers and catchers reporting couldn’t have come at a better time. Seeing actual baseball players on an actual baseball field is like seeing an old friend for the first time in a long time. It just makes me feel good. So, so good you guys. I am pretty freakin’ hyped.I’d be hyped just because, you know? But then Roy Halladay rolls up to the Carpenter Complex in a roadster he restored this off-season (Editor's note: on top of wrestling anacondas... no big deal.)? GTFO. I can’t even handle that picture. LOOK AT THAT SMILE! I could look at pictures of the team working out all day. And I have been. Because it’s the 2012 Philadelphia Phillies, you guys. We’re so close. It’s almost here. Man, you know what I just realized? I’m so hyped for pitchers and catchers reporting that I haven’t even had time to get hyped for my own trip down to Clearwater in March. I’m so freakin’ hyped for some Scrapple Benedict and those baskets full of free pastries at Lenny’s. OH MAN! And drinking Yuenglings on the beach while scarfing down some grouper at Frenchy’s Rockaway. UGH. I am so hyped I can’t stand it!I guess what I am trying to say here is that I am pretty freakin’ hyped for spring training, you guys.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Thursday, February 16, 2012

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In an effort to synergize the phenomena represented by Tim Tebow’s success in the NFL and that of recent NBA mega-story Jeremy Lin (namely, devout religious views and asynchronous ethnicity), the San Jose Sharks have announced the signing of Liberian-born left winger Ateso Ekwensi.

Ekwensi- pictured below cultivating his now-fervent love of Evangelical Christianity- will report initially to the AHL’s Worcester Sharks for a conditioning assignment. He is expected to be in the NHL in time for the Sharks playoff surge.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Bolg reader "Steve" posted the following in the comments on today's previous post, and I felt the sentiment deserved to be shared for all to enjoy, rather than left as an un-hyperlinked afterthought. Thanks, Steve:

Seems simple enough, right? And a bunch of you were all, "Get on it, Rick!" So I did. Only thing is I kind of just kept drawing random stuff (like him owning a game of Whack-A-Mole and flipping pizzas) and the file got bigger so it may not actually qualify as an avatard anymore.

I shan't be deterred, though, and want to share it here with all of you. Think of it as my Valentine's Day gift.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Hey y’all thanks and stuff for coming with me and all to look at these prospects

NO PROBLEM CHARLIE I LOVE ROAD TRIPS BESIDES IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO GET A START ON THE FUTURE THESE GUYS COULD BE THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF THE FUTURE I LOVE LEGOS AND LINCOLN LOGS TOO THEY’RE FUNNY BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT REAL LOGS BUT BABY LOGS AND THEY OWN THE EAGLES STADIUM ALOHA JEREMY MACLIN HE’S FAST DID YOU KNOW THE NHL PRO BOWL IS IN HAWAII I’M FROM HAWAII MAHALO

Hey skip, isn’t it a little late for winter ball? We break camp in a few weeks...

Oh stop it already with that stuff this is serious business here ain’t got no time for campfires and snickersmores and ghost stories

Wait what ghosts?

Dammit not that kind like Casper don’t matter none because my point was …

You guys ever see that movie Ghost? So emotional. Whoopie Goldberg played such a great part.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

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by Danger Guerrero, of Warming Glow, Film Drunk and Keith Law's Scouting Report famePrior to this season, I got kind of drunk one night and started sending DMs on Twitter to some basketball writers I know, proclaiming that the Sixers were going to win their division this year. I had a litany of reasons (continued progression from last year, the shortened and condensed season favoring young teams, bourbon, etc.), but most of all I just had a good feeling. They gave the Heat a decent run in the playoffs last year, and I really felt they were ready to take the next step. Maybe not the "win a title" next step, but at least the "be really competitive and fun to watch" next step.

So far, I am happy to report that most of my drunken theories have been confirmed (the jury is still out on whether Dr. J could still put up 5-6 points a night off the bench at age 61). But I realize some of you may have been a little slow to come around on the team. It's been a while since they were good, so it's understandable if you checked out for a year or two. To help you get caught up, I have put together this collection of reasons that YOU, ZWR reader, should love the Sixers this year. Enjoy.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Hi! It’s your friend Awesome Emma here reporting on the Super Bowl, where the Giants are playing the Patriots and the winner gets a big trophy. Thank you to Zoo with Roy and Crane Kicker for asking me to be your Super Bowl correspondent, I’m super excited and I appreciate it. : )