A Music Lover's Advice for Dealing with the Brutal Texas Summer

Even though it may seem to you that the summer has been replaced by a wind tunnel and a hyperactive dry ice machine, you know what's coming. It's going to be warmer than the surface of the sun (I am aware of the logical impossibility of this statement), and promoters are still going to schedule outdoor gigs, because they hate you and only care about your money. While that's not entirely true (they also care about your credit rating and all those bands you keep as a guilty secret), you are going to need some friendly advice to make it through another Texas summer with all your skin intact.

• Do you hate someone? Well, a ticket to see Kid Rock at an outdoor venue on July 20 in the middle of Dallas should make an appropriate gift. To ensure their attendance, pretend you got a ticket too and are already there, texting them from inside the venue. Laugh as you sit next to your open refrigerator in the comfort of your home, a home that hopefully features no Kid Rock songs whatsoever. Only $20.

• Wear as little as possible, and make with the sun cream. The fatter you are, the more society seems to frown upon you removing your clothing, but all you're really doing is preventing future mustard stains and so saving the environment from yet another load of washing.

• Hire slaves to wave palm leaves at you as you traverse the uncaring concrete of Dallas, and make sure to hire enough so that when one of them collapses from heatstroke you can immediately replace them with another.

• If you're good to your flip-flops, they'll be good to you. Don't wear socks. Remember to change the oil in your flip-flops every 3,000 feet. It helps to carry around a kettle of boiling water for immediate revenge on any ant hills you may step on while wearing your flip flops.

• If, like me, your transport to gigs has no reliably functioning air conditioning, consider filling the car with ice cubes like my wife actually did once. She called it "ghetto AC." Unfortunately, her clearly brilliant idea not only failed to cool the car but resulted in something of a tidal wave when, twenty minutes in, we turned off 35 to get to our destination. On the upside, it only looked like I'd peed myself for about ten minutes, until my shorts dried. Yes, she put the ice on the dashboard.

• Are you wearing pants? Why? Why are you wearing pants? Get it together.

• Try running around. While this may make you overheat and collapse faster, you will be carried to an air conditioned tent designed exactly for idiots like yourself, thus lessening your overall sun exposure time.