Courtney Love scares Lindsay Lohan straight. Zoe Saldana gets "hot and heavy" with Bradley Cooper. A Kourtney Kardashian wedding is "imminent." Kristin Cavallari gets re-engaged. Do as Thursday gossip says, not as it did in the '90s.

Courtney Love claims to have taken over as Lindsay Lohan's sober coach "because nobody else will" do it. This will not end well. Here's how it started, according to Courtney:

I went up to Lindsay's room one time and there was a show on called 101 Celebrity Oops and I am like every other one, you know—boobs out, legs everywhere, throwing shit at Madonna, you know, whatever. I'm like 'Lindsay, look! Drugs are bad!'

Whoa, wait, human embodiment of a "celebrity oops" Lindsay Lohan watches TV shows about celebrity oopses? Maybe her problem isn't addiction, but masochism. Courtney adds that Lindsay is "further down the line than I was," which is a bold statement for a woman who reportedly shot heroin while pregnant. Update:Lohan denies. [Radar, images via Splash]

Speaking of Lohans, the descriptions of Ali Lohan (who now goes by "Aliana") in this Page Six Magazine profile are really weird: "When she leans in to talk, her endless arms hang at her sides and her fingers-which are devoid of nail polish or rings-nearly sweep the ground." I'm picturing a cross between Jack Skellington and a baby gorilla. [P6Mag]

Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler are engaged again. You can't just return a wedding gown, you know. [People]

Meanwhile, Kourtney Kardashian's wedding is "imminent." Are you sure you want to go down this road again, Kardashians? [ET]

"Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper spotted getting hot and heavy." Huh. Did not see that one coming. [Radar]

Here's J.Lo's 24-year-old boyfriend holding her daughter upside down and by the ankle, as though she is a hock of ham. [Us]

Jesse Eisenberg is suing the makers of some crappy horror movie for overplaying his tiny role in it. Apparently he "agreed to perform for one day at minimal compensation as a favor to friends," but now that he's famous they're pretending he starred in it. So now Jesse is suing for $3 million, which is more than Camp Hell's entire budget. Multimillion dollar scorched-earth lawsuits between career-minded friends. Why does this feel so familiar? [THR]

Vinny Guadagnino did a rap about having sex with a stripper and "actin' like I'm raping it." Then the whole world told him he's disgusting, and Vinny took the video off YouTube and tweeted, "Whoa! Some people really know how to take things out of context! It was fun though!" Actin' like I'm vomiting all over my keyboard. [TMZ]