Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's 4:27 in the morning and I can't sleep. So, I decided to get up and blog about something eating at me.

I wish there were more black lesbian love stories in print. I really wish I could walk into Barnes & Nobles or go on Amazon and purchase a well-written, quality love story about two black lesbians. When I say "love story" I don't mean SEX, SEX and MORE SEX. Instead I mean a well-thought out girl meets girl story. Here is an example:

Jada, a teenage girl, is popular at her high school. Renee is the new girl at school. The first interaction between these two is less than pleasant. In fact, they take a strong disliking to each other. However, over time they both find themselves drawn to the other. They first become best-friends...then lovers. Their parents find out about the relationship and tear them apart. Jada is shipped away to boarding school. Jada and Renee lose touch. Decades later when Jada is a famous writer and Renee a well-known community activist in Atlanta, the two of them cross paths again and the sparks fly...

WHERE ARE THE STORIES LIKE THIS FOR BLACK LESBIANS???? As far as I know they don't exist. What does exist is books that fetish black lesbians and emphasize SEX! And to top it all off these books are being written by BLACK LESBIANS!

I guess I should stop bitching and take a more proactive approach. Maybe I should write the story I want to read...or a series of stories. Yellow Bone has challenged me to do so. I'm seriously thinking about it...maybe that's why I can't sleep.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Parenting in the black community...can we just admit it is damn near non-existent?!? I sometimes wonder if I was born on Mars or something because when I read black blogs, magazines or watch "black" entertainment television I feel REPULSION. I ask myself who the hell are these people and who the hell raised them? It's not an easy thing to say, but black Americans, especially POOR economically challenged black Americans, are FUCKED UP!

I know that's a generalization, after all...I grew up poor as hell, but real talk POOR black Americans are NOT carrying their weight in society.

What do I mean?

I made a decision to BETTER myself through education. Though I am not where I want to be in life, I do have something to show for it...more so than my parents and ancestors (i.e., education, a comfortable middle class lifestyle and a sense of pride).

Yellow Bone wants children.

Yellow Bone wants to have children with me AFTER we marry. Whenever she brings up kids I silently feel a sense of dread. Why? Because I don't think I want to parent a black MALE. Parenting a black male would force me to deal with my overall aversion to black males and their plight in this world.

Right now I don't have any type of invested interest in black males. Yes, I have a father and two brothers, but emotionally I remain aloof from all three (by choice and circumstances beyond my control). However, I don't have any solid ties to black males. As a result it's easy for me to recognize their numerous collective flaws. Recognizing these flaws has brought me to the point where my repulsion of black males boarders on HATE. I fear this attitude might trickle down to my feelings toward my kid.

In my heart I know I will be a good parent. I will never abuse a child. However, I strongly suspect it will take time, patience and a great deal of self-reflection on my part to overcome the disgust I feel for black males in general.

Why exactly do I feel this way about black males?

I've asked myself that question again and again. I have never been physically or sexually abused by any man (not including the fierce ass whopping my daddy handed down when I was child). I am capable of being friends with individual black males. If I had to put my finger on it, I would say the following are the MAIN reasons I find black males repulsive:

Their collective treatment of black women and children.

Their pitiful condition in this world...which trickles down to the condition of black women and children.

Their self-destructive counter-productive mindset.

In general, I think my dislike of black males stems from witnessing their treatment of black women and children. It comes from watching this type of shit...

I don't believe I am alone in feeling this way. I think a number of black women, whether gay or straight, feel the exact same way I do. One cannot help but compare black men's inadequacies to those of other races of men. Perceptions of black male inferiority begin to enter the brain...though we try to stop them...if only out of a sense of racial loyalty. And then slowly but surely one begins to realize that she cannot defend today's black men against the words of harden white supremacist (disguised simply as conservatives) because somewhere in the back of her mind she's had the exact same thoughts about black men, their actions and their overall hopeless disposition.

I don't want a son, but if I end up with one I am going to do my best to make sure he is the antithesis of today's black males.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I've had a run of REALLY bad luck lately. I don't feel like going into detail about it, but I'm temporarily crippled physically. I'm on painkillers and I'm on leave from work. Yes, it's that damn serious.

Through it all Yellow Bone has been by my side.

Last night, as I lay in bed with her asleep beside me, I couldn't stop myself from staring at her. I've never been the type to get emotional while watching someone I love sleep, but tears began to run down my face as I stared at Yellow Bone.

I haven't been very good to Yellow Bone. In the midst of our relationship I feel in love with another woman, which turned out to be a dead end street. I broke up with Yellow Bone and I broke her heart twice. We went weeks without speaking until finally we rekindled a purely sexual relationship.

If I call Yellow Bone comes running. She is never too busy for me. Yellow Bone is as close to my ideal woman as I have come across. She is physically beautiful. She doesn't have any kids. She is educated. She has her own money etc. The only truly legitimate beef I had with Yellow Bone is her love for socializing (i.e., partying). However, once we talked about it she began opting out of the club scene.

So, why the hell couldn't I do right by her? What was my REAL beef with Yellow Bone?

In this case, the issue was ME...not HER.

For the first time in my life, I had a woman that matched and sometimes exceeded my expectations and that shit scared the hell out of me!

As much as I bitch and complain about finding the right woman, I wasn't prepared when she actually walked through the door. I realized I don't know how to be happy. I've been sad, depressed, angry and lonely so long that I don't know how to just be happy. So, I began LOOKING for things wrong...all in an effort to push her away.

Some of you might think I'm immature or whatever, but I was honestly scared as hell after realizing how perfect Yellow Bone is compared to all other black women that have entered my life.

Then there is the reality that Yellow Bone makes more money than me. I know it shouldn't matter, but I am bothered by it. Yellow Bone is 27 years old and she makes 65k a year. Anything she wants and needs she can buy it herself. Yellow Bone loves to shop and fortunately she can buy whatever she wants completely on her own.

I have always imagined that I would be the breadwinner in the household. However, Yellow Bone clearly trumps me in that regarded. Her income and lifestyle is intimidating. I sometimes wonder if I can truly make her happy financially or if she even needs me in that regard at all??

I do love Yellow Bone and I want to do right by her. I'm going to ask Yellow Bone to be my girlfriend again.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The University of Mississippi crowned its first black homecoming queen...that's her in the pictures. I took one look at this woman and did a double take when I saw the words "Homecoming Queen" and "Old Miss" in the same sentence.

What the hell is going on in the world when you have extra large Precious looking chicks being elected homecoming queen?

What the hell is going on in the world when you have extra large Precious looking chicks being elected homecoming queen at a school that has a legacy of racism, discrimination and prejudice???

Is this shit some kind of joke????

I honestly think white people at the University of Mississippi did this crap on purpose.

Nothing against the young woman elected, but let's be honest, this is the way white people like to imagine black women. Her image makes them comfortable. She is sloppy fat, mammy looking, and asexual. When placed up against a white woman she looks inferior, asexual and non-threatening. Historically this is the way white people have portrayed black women in the media. So the fact that white people at the University of Mississippi elected this woman as the first black homecoming queen is not surprising.

James Meredith integrated the University of Mississippi 50 years ago this month. I believe the selection of this woman as homecoming queen is a way of patronizing black people. It's their way of saying, "Ha Ha Ha...look Negroes we have come a long way. We elected our first black homecoming queen! Are you satisfied about how far we have come???"

Meanwhile, progressive black people like myself are looking at this sloppy unattractive black woman and wondering why the hell couldn't they find a more physically attractive representation of black women? Granted, Mississippi is full of chucky fat ass collard green eating country black people, but I refuse to believe this state and school couldn't find at least ONE physically attractive black woman!

Those of us aware of the bullshit see it for what it is and call it out. Others cheer for this woman and consider her selection as homecoming queen an accomplishment and victory for black women all over the world. These people are CLUELESS about the social implications of crowning this woman, who fits perfectly into the historical image of black women as portrayed by the media (Mammy, fat, asexual), homecoming queen at the University of Mississippi.

Supporting women that look like this woman does NOT benefit black women collectively. We are already a margnalized group. We continue to margalize ourselves when we support this type of bullshit. Think about it!

We are the only group of people on the face of the planet that cheers when the "least of these" is being upheld as the standard!

And for some strange reason the black women cheering for this woman and those who look like her (Monique, obese black women everywhere) don't seem to realize they are the ONLY individuals (male or female) cheering for fat, unattractive black women. Black men aren't cheering for them. White people aren't cheering for them. Asian people aren't cheering for them! The only people cheering for unattractive obese black women are OTHER BLACK WOMEN!

Fat sloppy chicks should NOT be the standard of beauty for black women. I don't care if fat black women don't want to hear it. Yes, I'm know I should say the politically correct thing here (i.e., beauty comes in all shapes and sizes). However, that is BULLSHIT. Nobody wants to say it, but obese people are last on most people's list.

Where do you see a fat white woman being held as the standard of beauty for white women? Where do you see fat white women being elected homecoming queen? Can you imagine a fat white woman being elected homecoming queen at Howard University???

The joke is on black women. We need to do better!

For those of you wondering....this was her competition....

Like I said, what the fuck???

Call me old fashioned but I still expect black homecoming queens to look something like this....

And before anyone comes at me with the "You don't think old Miss's homecoming queen is suitable because she's dark-skinned argument..." please remember I actually favor dark-skinned black women over all others. This isn't an issue of skin tone. This is an issue of ATTRACTIVENESS and adequate representation. I have seen PLENTY of beautiful dark-skinned black women to know they DO exist. This woman isn't one of those people!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I have decided to stop talking shit about the lack of QUALITY black lesbian entertainment. Why? I have decided to write and produce the type of entertainment I want to watch. Next week I am investing in some camera equipment. I am going to create the type of QUALITY black lesbian entertainment I want to see.

My actresses are going to be polished, well-spoken, FEMININE, sexy and on point. My scripts are going to be polished, articulated, well-developed and on point. Production is going to be polished, professional and on point! I'm creating my own production company just so I can produce the type of black lesbian entertainment I want to see.

I want to produce a show about top notch black lesbians, who are good-looking and educated. They are going to be career professionals (I'm talking about doctors and lawyers). I want these women to be intelligent but incredibly flawed and at times self-destructive. Basically I want to see a mirror image of myself.

My show is going to be so on point that it will appeal to people who aren't black and lesbian.

Don't kill me. I'm trying to work on my own homophobia against gay black men. Just the sight of two men kissing repulses me, but I truly believe this has more to do with CONDITIONING than anything else.

Monday, October 8, 2012

This is probably going to be one of the most depressing blogs I have ever written but I'm going to speak my mind. I don't give a fuck who is offended by it.

The bullshit passing as entertainment for black lesbians (or lesbians of color) is TRASH. The black lesbians I run across in Atlanta look awful. Not only do they look awful, but often they are poorly educated and not well spoken. More often than not I find that I'm not attracted to 99% of the black lesbians I run across in Atlanta.

In terms of entertainment, every single black lesbian web series or film I have ever watched has made me almost embarrassed to be black and lesbian. The characters are usually stereotypical and poorly written. The plot is usually stereotypical and predictable. The writing is usually God awful. The lighting and production is usually horrible.

For the life of me I don't understand why black lesbian entertainment ALWAYS has to feature the stud/fem dynamic in almost every relationship. I'm not trying to be cruel, but this dynamic is not appealing to me as lesbian because I feel like I'm watching a man/woman relationship. There is always a need to define gender roles with one lesbian being dominate and the other submissive instead of the two women simply co-existing as an equal partnership/unit. It feels like I'm watching a heterosexual couple. And often, for whatever reason, the stud/fem dynamic almost always comes across as abusive and unhealthy to me.

I'm not trying to discriminate but I'm not turned on by studs at all. I'm not entertained by them. I'm very likely to fast forward scenes featuring studs because I would far rather see two feminine women together. This dynamic appeals to me more because I feel like I'm watching TWO LESBIAN WOMEN.

I have come to the conclusion that good looking, in-shape, childless, non-stereotypical black feminine lesbians are damn near INVISIBLE in the black community. The Raven Symones of our community are damn near INVISIBLE.

I hate that!

I hate that the face of black lesbians seems to be the most masculine and sexually unattractive of the bunch. It's so bad now that when people think of a black lesbian they don't naturally think of a feminine black woman. They usually think of a rough looking stud like Snoop from the Wire. When people find out a pretty feminine black woman is a lesbian their first reaction is usually, "Ah..what the fuck? How did that happen???"

I want to see more Raven Symones and LESS Snoops from the Wire. I want to see some chicks who actually LOOK good! In terms of black lesbian entertainment, I want to see some well written, positive, attractive, educated images of black lesbians. I don't want to see stereotypical ebonic speaking studs THAT ARE REMINISCENT OF ALL THE SHIT BLACK WOMEN HATE ABOUT BLACK MEN.

The thought has dawned on me that I should write and produce the type of entertainment I want. That's easier said than done because I think my brand of entertainment would only appeal to a subset of black lesbians: The educated class.

For those of you who don't have a kindle you can download it to your computer by clicking the "Buy Now" button in the right sidebar. The button leads to a Paypal page so your transactions are secure. I don't see any of your contact information. The whole process is managed through Paypal and e-junkie. Once your payment is processed you will be emailed a download link from e-junkie. If you have any issues ordering the e-book using paypal/e-junkie drop me an email.

From what I understand, Amazon has also made it possible for people with smartphones and ipads to download books through their Amazon app. So if you're interested in getting the e-book through your smartphone, ipad or tablet computer you should look for the Amazon app and do a search for the e-book title.

If I were given the opportunity to create my ideal black woman she would be something like this....

She would be Phylicia Rashad "back in the day" FINE!!!! We all know Mrs. Clair Huxtuable was a badass back in the day. She still looks good today, but old school Phylicia Rashad still has the ability to make my heart skip a beat.

Next...

She would have a MIND as sharp and intelligent as Ms. Fredi Washington. I love and admire this woman with a burning passion. Though she looked like a white woman, Fredi Washington was a proud BLACK woman.

I would have loved to meet her but she died when I was just a little girl. This woman is hands down the most intelligent black woman I have ever encountered. There hasn't been much written about her life, but Fredi was an outspoken Civil Rights Activist long before there was such thing as a Civil Rights Movement.

Ms. Washington must have known future generations of African Americans like myself might want to know more about her because she had her papers archived and placed on microfilm. I spent an entire day reading about this fasinating woman at Emory University here in Atlanta. I've been in love with Fredi Washington ever since.

"You see I'm a mighty proud gal and I can't for the life of me, find any
valid reason why anyone should lie about their origin or anything else
for that matter. Frankly, I do not ascribe to the stupid theory of white supremacy
and to try to hide the fact that I am a Negro for economic or any other
reasons, if I do I would be agreeing to be a Negro makes me inferior
and that I have swallowed whole hog all of the propaganda dished out by
our fascist-minded white citizens.

I am an American citizen and by God, we all have inalienable rights and wherever those rights are tampered with, there is nothing
left to do but fight...and I fight. How many people do you think there
are in this country who do not have mixed blood, there's very few if
any, what makes us who we are, are our culture and experience. No matter
how white I look, on the inside I feel black. There are many whites who
are mixed blood, but still go by white, why such a big deal if I go as
Negro, because people can't believe that I am proud to be a Negro and
not white. To prove I don't buy white superiority I chose to be a
Negro." - EARL CONRAD, "Pass Or Not To Pass?", The Chicago Defender (1921-1967). Chicago, Ill.: Jun 16, 1945

I know I'm really late with this post but I've been busy. I get side-tracked easily. As usual I'm going to keep it 100% honest on this blog. People have a right to be what they want. Whether feminine or masculine people have a right to express themselves without motherfuckers catching feelings about it. Studs should be able to dress as they please without people hating on them. In a perfect world studs (and everyone else) would be able to live their lives without prejudice.

I also believe people have a right to their personal preferences. For example, I like FEMININE women. I am not attracted to black women (or any race of women for that matter) that look, act and sound like black men. And let's be honest...99% of black studs out here ARE taking their cues from BLACK MEN and hip hop culture....two fucked up examples to follow.

There is nothing sexy about that shit. There is nothing that turns me off more than MASCULINE woman. I just can't get wet for a black woman that reminds me of a black man. I like lipstick lesbians. I like big booties, breast and thighs. The typical black stud out here doesn't fit my idea of femininity.

I believe studs should be treated with the same respect as everyone else in our society. People may not understand their lifestyles or the cross dressing but they still deserve respect.

In some regards I feel sorry for studs. They are discriminated against more often than their feminine counterparts. They also catch hell both inside and outside the black community. I imagine it must be really hard for many of them to find adequate employment opportunities too.

In some ways I admire them for being so bold with their sexuality. In other ways I pity them. The world has a problem accepting assertive black women period. This is doubled over for black women who aren't afraid to step outside of conventional wisdom.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Long before I started this blog/diary I kept several traditional paper journals. In fact, I maintained a paper journal even after I started this blog. I literally have boxes of journals in my closet. Recently I began reading through some of those journals. I'll be honest...at one point...before I became the mature grown woman I am today I was a damn fool! My college years at Spelman College (nicknamed "booty land" in my journal because of all the fine black women at the school) and later graduate school were some of the best years of my life. And fortunately I kept almost a daily journal of my life between ages 18-25 (I kept it going because my creative writing teacher encouraged me to do so).

After giving it some thought I have decided to publish these journals on the Amazon Kindle as an e-book. This will be my first time getting my feet wet in the e-book world. This will be a test drive to see how this thing works because at some point I plan to debut Cherry Hills.

I'm going to publish my journals in several volumes because there are so many entries. I think each volume will have 20 entries. Each volume will be $2.99. I know everyone doesn't have a Kindle so I will use a service like e-junkie to offer the e-book to those who are interested in downloading it to their computer and paying the $2.99 via paypal.

For those of you curious about my journal entries I will say this: They are completely uncensored!

Imagine this blog but probably ten times worse because my journals at that point were written by a very young adult (18-25) trying to navigate the world completely on her own. Remember I'm from a rural small town in Georgia. When I moved to Atlanta (a much bigger city, which at first was a culture shock) I was green as hell. I didn't know right from left. Living on campus at Spelman was the first time I had ever lived in the ghetto and back then the projects was right next to the school!

If I was screwing a woman I wrote about. If I was staring at a chick's booty in class I wrote about it. If I had a fantasy about one of my professors at Spelman I wrote about it. The only thing I am planning to change about the journals are the names of people mentioned. Everything else is 100% fact! There several things I've written in my journals that I have never mentioned on this blog. For example...

At 17/18 years old my first love, a woman years older than me, who I hate with a burning passion even today, was actually a married woman. I was ditching school early (partly due to my school schedule) to screw this woman at her house. Keep in mind I was still in high school. I didn't find out this lady was married until the day I broke up with her...and that had me all fucked up going into my freshman year of college. This might shed some light on why I can't stand bisexuals.

My freshman and sophomore years of college were my whore/womanizing years. I dated a lot of women during this period of time. What happened on those dates and my hilarious description of the women will have you rolling.

I was so depressed at one point (a period after number one on this list) that I thought about killing myself.

Remarkably I wrote vividly, boldly and honestly about all of the above and a whole lot more. Anyway, I plan to publish the first volume either Saturday or Sunday on the Kindle. I will post a blog and links to the first volume on kindle/e-junkie after I publish it.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Recently a woman I thought was the love of my life (ha!) told me my standards are too high. She is not the first woman to tell me my standards are too high. Normally when a woman tells me that I write it off and say to myself, "Chick, my standards aren't too high...You're just not up to par or potential wifey material." However, after this woman said it I did take a moment to think about it.

I don't honestly think my standards are too high. If you've been paying attention to this blog I demand the following from the lady in my life:

She MUST be childless.

She MUST take care of herself and look decent/pretty and be ladylike. That means no sloppy fat chicks (I'm fine with a little weight as in big breast, slim waist and some thick thighs). This also mean NO hoodrats.

I prefer a natural haired black woman however, this isn't necessary a must. I just can't stand weave that looks matted down, is multi-colored, or just looks awful.

She MUST have something going for herself in terms of a JOB or CAREER. It MUST be something we can possibly support a family on...so no dead end jobs. If she has a college education great!

I expect my woman to know how to prepare a meal and have some domestic skills.

I expect my woman to be mentally sane. THIS IS A MUST. Chicks who are dealing with issues from their past are not welcome in my life. I don't have time for the bullshit.

I like sex. I like sex a lot. She MUST like sex.

She MUST have some sense of morality. I'm conservative and the older I get the more conservative I grow.

She MUST desire marriage and kids.

She MUST not be CONFUSED or BISEXUAL. She MUST know her sexuality.

I don't think I'm asking too much. I just don't think the majority of twenty something year old black women out here fit my standards. Numbers 1, 2, 3 and possibly 10 rule out the majority of black women I come across. I think that's the real issue. Very few black women I run across fit my ideal woman. Sixty years ago my ideal black woman was the COMMON black woman. Now she is an ODDITY. That's due to changes in cultural norms, society, morals and the downward spiral of the black community overall.

What do you think? Do you think my standards are too high? If so, post a comment below and be sure to hit the poll.

About Me

Life is not simple for a black woman who identifies as a lesbian. I come here to freely express myself. This blog is about my life and my take on the world around me. I'm funny, old-fashioned, selfish, stubborn, loving, caring, romantic and a real asshole at times.

Anything else you wanna know...ask!

Feel free to comment, but don't expect my opinion to match yours. If you wanna chat email me at lezintellect@gmail.com.

If you have a question click the "Ask Me Anything" button at the top of the blog and visit my formspring HERE. If you wanna hate turn around and walk away. I don't have time for haters.