Why drunken selfies are forever, and what you need to tell your teens about them

A drunken selfie might seem like a bit of fun for our adult teens, but they don't – and can't – comprehend the full consequences of allowing images like this to appear on social media. We asked a parent, a teen and our resident expert Dr Justin Coulson to offer strategies and solutions that may make this very real life scenario just a little easier to navigate.

I’ve seen a photo of my 18-year-old really drunk on Facebook. I am worried that this will follow her around forever, but my daughter doesn’t seem to care. Should I care or not?

The parent says:

Amy Wauchope, mum of one adult teen aged 18 (and two non-adult teens)

Yes, parents need to care. At 18 a teen is invincible – there’s no tomorrow, it’s all about today, no future consequences. Yes, they may be super IT-savvy and be able to Instagram complete with hashtags with their eyes shut, but that doesn’t make them life-savvy.

What they fail to understand is that what is posted on the net stays on the net. There is no simple “un-tagging” as who knows how far this image has travelled.

As parents, it’s important to ensure we are also tech-savvy and understand how social media works. This may entail parents having their own Facebook pages and Instagram accounts, so we can understand it and keep up with the times.

I’ve made sure my kids are all my Facebook friends – it’s a condition we have if they want to set up a Facebook page. In return, I make sure we are never invasive and don’t make comments on their page, etc.

If I saw a compromising picture of my child on any social media I would talk about the consequences and urge them to take it down. But if they’re over 18 I suppose we also have to let the final decision be theirs.

The teen says:

Hanako Howard-Shibuya, 18

Personally, I grew up in a family where my parents were quite strict about what they allowed me to do. While this used to frustrate and annoy me at the time it taught me to be extra careful when I did get Facebook, or Instagram. Over time this helped me to build a trust between me and my parents, allowing them to give me more freedom.

In particular, my parents have always been very alert and aware of the risks of social media and have always taught me to be careful of what I post on things like Facebook and Instagram. A way they did this was by asking my brother and I to consider whether or not we would be fine with our grandmother viewing our activity on social media and what her reaction would be. That really helped me put into perspective what I should and shouldn’t be doing on these sites, because if I wasn’t happy showing my grandmother this photo or this status update, why should I be comfortable with the rest of the world seeing it?

It is important that people are taught that once something is posted on the internet, it is there forever and, if there is a photo of you drinking underage or doing something else illegal, there is a chance that it can impact your future life, including when you go to apply for a job.

I think teenagers sometimes don’t understand that simply un-tagging yourself in a photo doesn’t automatically mean that that photo of you drinking or smoking or worse is not your problem any more.

The expert says:

Dr Justin Coulson, psychologist

My biggest concern is that your teen is getting drunk. There are volumes of research that reinforce the importance of keeping our kids off alcohol until their brain develops – and that’s well beyond 18 years. So I would encourage you to have some hard talks with your daughter about alcohol and its effects, and set clear boundaries around what’s OK and what’s not.

In terms of photos appearing on Facebook … this can harm her reputation among anyone who is her ‘friend’. Aunts, uncles, your friends and others can and will likely see these photos. But for most teens that is probably as far as the damage will reach.

There is, however, the danger that for some teens in some circumstances, this picture may have an impact on future opportunities and reputation. While the risk may be low, it exists. Whether your daughter sees it as an issue or not is irrelevant. It’s a risk – end of story. So again, have a hard talk with her about what’s OK to post on social media and set boundaries with her.

Lastly, your daughter isn’t concerned, in part, because her brain still isn’t working like an adult’s brain, specifically in terms of her executive function. This means her awareness of future consequences is reduced. She doesn’t plan ahead like you do. She needs you to help her with these boundaries, in spite of the potential conflict it produces. So have the tough conversations, set the limits and work with her to help her understand.