Have a sweet romance

Staying emotionally intimate is hard when you have things to do other than snuggle. So SELF asked Blanchard Ryan and Steve Lemme, a busy couple living a Hollywood love story, how they do it, and sought advice from other love experts as well. Get ready to feel closer, in and out of bed.

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Sex is like talking on a cell phone: Even if the batteries are charged and all the parts are working properly, you still don’t always have a great connection. The best technique in the world isn’t likely to satisfy you on a deeper level if you’re feeling removed. But some couples, like actress Blanchard Ryan and screenwriter and actor Steve Lemme, appear to find a way to remain in love, even when they’re geographically distant. The couple gave SELF a personalized tour of their relationship—complete with get-along tips—and we picked up more tips from professional relationship advisors. The experts all noted: The more lovingly you behave toward each other outside the bedroom, the sweeter the experience inside it will be.

Rediscover kissing

As relationships progress, the time you spend smooching diminishes. Where kissing was once an enjoyable entrée unto itself, it becomes a mere appetizer couples hasten through on the way to the main course. But making out pays: It is innocent and sexy at the same time. It makes you feel linked in a way that intercourse does not. “In Taoist wisdom, the tongue is connected to the heart,” says writer Karinna Kittles, who is working on a book about the sacred aspects of sex. “You can tell how a person feels about you by how easily they share their tongue.”

It may take some effort to get back to basics. Talk about it in advance, and set some ground rules: “Tonight you’re not getting past first base.” Things may turn so steamy that you race for home plate. Or not. Removing the pressure to perform and making kissing about intimacy again is sublime in itself.

Perfect a look

Some of the best stage setters for sex fall outside the realm of traditional foreplay, says Lana Holstein, M.D., who creates and conducts sexuality workshops at Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona. Dr. Holstein offers an easy yet tantalizing trick you can do wherever you are: Merely gaze at him. After about 20 seconds, he’ll feel your eyes on him, glance up at you (probably suspiciously) and ask what you’re doing. Smile and say, “I was just thinking how much I love you.” “He’ll light up,” Dr. Holstein says. This will be a rush for you, too, because his reaction should provide visible proof that you have the power to make him feel desired and adored, which will only bring you closer.

Try touching

Here’s a common scenario: He reaches over to cuddle in bed, you’re afraid cuddling will lead to more and you’re not in the mood, so you roll over. He feels rejected—She doesn’t even want me to touch her!—and retreats to his side of the bed. You sleep back-to-back, miles apart. Ah, the irony. Most women like to feel connected before they do it; most men feel more connected after. He’s trying to get closer by, well, getting closer physically, and you’re simply not there yet.

This can be a tricky dynamic to manage, but you don’t have to avoid contact because you’re not up for the full song and dance. Talk to him about it. Put your arms around him and tell him what it takes to help you feel closer, and that you need to feel that way before things progress too far. Maybe it’s more touching throughout the day or hearing something he especially appreciates about you, Dr. Holstein recommends. If the affectionate touching leads to sex, it will be better than it would have been if you’d merely gone through the motions.

Focus on the positive

If pent-up rage is causing pedestrian sex (or none at all), ask yourself, Aren’t I with him for a good reason? Your partner may well be the guy who never returns movies on time or forgets to tell you when your sister calls. But is he also the one who talks you down when you’re stressed, takes care of you when you’re sick and truly enjoys your mom’s sense of humor? Making a list, mental or otherwise, of what you love about him can flood you with the feelings that are a prerequisite for sweet sex.

Pay attention

When you drive a familiar route, you often may find yourself arriving at your destination without really remembering how you got there. It’s just as easy to have sex on autopilot. If it’s always in the dark, after the news but before Leno, in the same position on the same bed, you’re bound to tune out. You know what’s coming and what you’re expected to do, so your mind can be in a million other places rather than enjoying the feel of his body, the smell of his neck, the sound of his breathing.

Suggest a different room, a new position or a sexy video for ideas and inspiration. Changing only one aspect of the act will awaken your senses and set a seductive mood. It also tells your partner that he is special and that what you’re about to do together is special, which can make you feel especially close.

Forsake the fake

One of the biggest obstacles to intimate sex is the faux O. Why? A lie on such a grand scale is intimacy’s biggest enemy. The message you’re sending to your partner is “You rock my world,” when the actual thought bubble over your head would read more like bad bumper sticker copy: “I’d rather be fishing.”

It’s normal not to go over the moon on occasion. But in most cases, pretending that you did robs you of a wonderful opportunity to be vulnerable and honest. On the flip side, letting your partner know you didn’t get off—and that you’re OK with that (if, in fact, you are)—builds trust, indicates you don’t expect perfection and stymies resentment. Opening clear lines of communication on this subject is as essential to an intimate sex life as mouthwash and reliable birth control.

Share your fantasies

You know that mental movie starring the sexy policeman that really gets you going? Recast your partner in the lead role and tell him about it. Sure, it may be hard to share your secret desires. And that’s exactly the point: Nothing says bonding experience quite like revealing thoughts and feelings you wouldn’t dare tell another soul. “The more you can have that openness, the deeper your connection goes,” Dr. Holstein says. Divulging your lustful longings has a built-in bonus: It’s the ultimate foreplay. After your sexy confession, you’ll both almost certainly be ready to rip off each other’s clothes. Think hard…any crimes you need to confess?

Slow down

No guide to satisfying sex would be complete without a nod to technique. “A woman’s timing is very different from a man’s,” notes Margot Anand, acclaimed teacher of tantra and author of The Sexual Ecstasy Workbook (Tarcher/Penguin). “In porno films, it’s always the same heavy tempo, which doesn’t address her need to have it a softer way.” Begin with a leisurely warm-up, letting foreplay lead slowly to intercourse. If he starts to go too fast or too hard, suggest that he slow it down to the speed that feels best for you at that moment. “It’s a better way of harmonizing the experience because it gives each partner a chance to be proactive and also receptive,” Anand says.

Retire the Rabbit

Or at least give it a sabbatical. Anand believes that reducing reliance on your vibrator will lead to closer, sweeter sex: Your partner will learn what it takes to give you a more profound, fuller orgasm, not merely an expedient one. A vibrator can provide a fast, clitoral climax, she says, but taking the time to explore, build up excitement and notice your subtler sensitivities opens the door to greater possibility. It’s a good idea to masturbate without help as well. “Self-pleasuring is a way of understanding how you function sexually and showing that to your partner so your partner can satisfy you better,” Anand says. The result of laying off the toys—a deeper emotional connection with your partner—will enhance your life in bed and everywhere else. Besides, with the money you save on batteries, you can treat yourselves to a very nice dinner.