5 Things That Happen When Your Mom Learns to Uber

Bringing the parental units into the 21st Century can be a trying endeavor. It took my family until 2009 to get smartphones, so we’re already behind the curve. Big time. Here are some fun facts about my Mom and her Uber-ventures.

1. She assumes you’ll be driving drunk if you decide not to Uber. Anywhere.

As far as I’m concerned, mimosas are grown-up OJ. They’re barely even alcohol. My liver is too old and crippled to Screwdriver it before 6 p.m., so rest assured I will be fine to drive home from Brunchfest. (Don’t drive drunk kids. Seriously.)

2. She will take an open container with her to dinner.

“Honey…I can bring my wine with me in an Uber, right?”
“Uh.. No? It’s like any other moving vehicle.. No alcohol..”
“Oh. Well. I already did. See you soon! Hehe!”

Upon further research, it seems this is not an uncommon occurrence. Y’all go hard. And don’t do that, it’s illegal. I mean YOLO.

3. She will completely forget about the safety risks of getting in cars with strangers.

This one confuses me. I’ve gotten too many lectures to count about one night stand dangers, so getting into a car with someone you’ve never met seems like it would be on par, no? Uber drivers are just paid to be a random person in a car. Think about it.

4. She waits full minutes following their arrival to check and see whether the car is for her.

My sister and I once stood with her outside an expensive restaurant while she alternated staring at her phone and a parked car. When the valets started laughing, we went up and asked FOR her. It was her car, she went home, it’s a cool story.

5. Her level of excitement at your choosing to Uber rather than drive rivals that of an engagement announcement.

I went through my phone for 20 minutes trying to find the long string of happy emojis she once sent me. Instead I found enough questions about my boyfriend and whether or not I made that doctor’s appointment to write my dissertation. The answer is no, I have not made the appointment. I have important shit to do, Mom..

I miss the simpler times when you could call a taxi, wait 45 minutes for it, not understand a word the driver says, be driven the longest way possible, and have to pay cash because the machine is busted…..on second thought…