[Edition 20] In a desperate attempt to restore its reputation, a spokesman for Qantas has claimed that the Rain Man “no longer represents majority opinion in the autistic community”.

[Edition 20] HOLLYWOOD, Thursday: After the third major safety incident in the space of a year, Qantas has lost the confidence of the most famous public supporter of its once unblemished safety record, the autistic star of Rain Man, Raymond.

Speaking from his office at the Redhead Match factory in Virginia (where he holds a senior position in the Quality Assurance department), the Rain Man confirmed to reporters that he would no longer feel comfortable flying Qantas. In a surprise addition, he also stated that he would no longer feel comfortable working with Tom Cruise in movies saying, “I may be autistic, but I don’t want to have anything more to do with those Scientologists. They’re a bunch of freaks”. When asked to elaborate on his falling out with Qantas, however, Raymond refused to saying anything other than “I’m an excellent driver, we’re counting cards”.

In a desperate attempt to restore its reputation, a spokesman for Qantas, Barry Johnson, claimed in an interview yesterday that the Rain Man “no longer represents majority opinion in the autistic community”. It is understood that Qantas has been seeking endorsement from other sufferers though with little success to date. A substantial number of the high level autistics it approached apparently said that although they understood that the airline had a statistically sound safety record, they could not deal with the fact that there is no “u” after the “Q” in “Qantas” and therefore had been advised by their specialists not to make any comment.

Faced with the total absence of endorsement from the autistic community, Qantas officials have admitted they may have to look to other sectors for support. One possible supported emerged yesterday when John Moseley, 46 of Sydney, held a press conference to confirm that Qantas has the best safety record “of all the airlines in fuck shit cunt world”. Mr Moseley, who suffers from high level Tourette’s Syndrome, has offered his services to Qantas to assist in the publicity effort to restore public confidence. The airline is yet to respond.

Meanwhile, Qantas has announced a string of safety improvements that will be added to its existing fleet of aircraft after its recent spate of accidents.

The measures will include the installation of airbags for every passenger in first and business classes and special coloured polyurethane bumpers fitted to the nose and tail of each plane. The airline is also in the process developing a prototype for a future aircraft which will involve reversing the seating plan and introducing a special crumple zone, to be called Safe-T-Class, from the nose cone through to the end of the economy section. Reversing alarms, which sound when the aircraft reverses too close to terminals or other aircraft, are also planned, along with those cute little windscreen wipers for the headlights.