Obama just wants to see my porn

Ok, obviously I was wrong when I thought that perhaps Barrack Obama wasn’t going to continue pushing us into the Age of Big Brother like his predecessor, President Chimp. We spent a lot of time smacking the White House around for wanting to listen in on our phone conversations, and they at least were actually functioning under the delusion that we were all terrorists out to kill Texas-Jesus.

Now, the White House wants to tap my Internet, read my emails, and if I wasn’t so terrified of women and emotionally scarred, view all that sexting I would be doing. Really, though, Obama, what do you think you’re going to find by tapping into my face book and twitter feeds? I’ll tell you what you’ll find:

THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN!

No, I’m joking, the Internet is for way more than porn, its also for music and movie piracy, comics that use “adult” language, and of course, dead baby jokes.

So basically, Obama has a point. There should probably be some government watchdog out there finding out who all the anons on /b/ are, for the sake of humanity. Those guys can be cruel. They can ruin people’s lives if they want, turning one bad decision into a suicide. God forbid the find out that you have a Facebook page and have stared in a porn video. They’ll actually feel the need to punish you for giving them something to fap to, and yet still existing as a person.

Is that what the government is working to stop, though, Real cyber-terrorism? No, we’re back to making shit up about the middle east in an effort to expand the government’s invasion into our personal freedoms. We can see the smarm ooze off of the official sound-bite.

“We’re talking about lawfully authorized intercepts,” said FBI lawyer Valerie E. Caproni. “We’re not talking about expanding authority. We’re talking about preserving our ability to execute our existing authority in order to protect the public safety and national security.”

There are several telltale signs here showing their intention is to violate our civil rights like so many be-tentacled Japanese cartoon demons. For starters, anytime anyone in authority ever says, “National Security,” they actually mean, “Personal Amusement.” The CIA doesn’t tell us what they’re doing. If they need to address the security of the nation, they aren’t going to ask permission before tapping your phones and cloning your email. They’re just going to shoot you and leave your corpse in Jellystone National Forrest where Agent Yogi eats it.

Yes, Yogi Bear does body disposal work for the CIA. Ranger John Smith is obviously his handler. You didn’t think he was a park ranger did you? No… he’s special ops.

Anyway, we also know that anytime an FBI Lawyer makes a public statement, the truth is the exact opposite of what they’re saying, or thinly veiled in the wording. “We’re not talking about” something because we’re just doing it.

Really, though, what our government doesn’t realize, mostly because its made up of old people that should have already been recycled into proteins to feed the babies by now, is that they’re making true cyber-terrorism, identity theft, cyberstalking, Internet vigilantism, etc, Much easier to perform.

Basically, the US government wants all digital communication to be able to be intercepted and decoded.

Let me state that again, in case you didn’t pick up the dangerous implication: “The US Government wants all digital communication to be able to be intercepted and decoded”

Yeah, they want to make it easier for people with giant robot brains, like this guy:

Steve Wozniak, inventor of the mind control turtle neck. Current Whereabouts: Unkown

This dude can already steal everything you’ve ever thought, do you really want to make it easy for him to do so? The only hope for America is the fact that this guy is a white hat. In fact, the entire idea of decreasing Internet security so the government can increase national security is insane for exactly that reason.

If you want to stop cyber-terrorism, you have to employ the same guys you’re trying to stop. They’re the only ones that know what the hell they’re doing. The whole system starts to fall apart around this point, because those guys also don’t give a shit. They’d post your private information purely for the lulz.

I’ve seen it, its not pretty, and by the way, you should get that mole checked.

The worst, and most dangerous part of all this, is that once there is a way to decrypt information, someone will figure out how to do it. They will post it on someplace like 4chan.org, and then everyone will know how to do it. You won’t be able to stop the spread of that information, and pretty soon, I’ll be using Steve Jobs’ credit card to buy a ton of hentai, pizza rolls and green Hawaiian punch.

Delicious with Rum... and the hopeless sobs of the Damned.

Really, Obama, listen to me dude. We’re cool. I like you, even if you do deny your zune love and claim to rock the ipod that no one has ever seen you use. Its cool, we’re all afraid of Steve Jobs’ turtle neck. But seriously, dude, stop trying to act the way you think a president should act, and start kicking the shit out of some Senators. You aren’t going to win respect tilting at windmills, man.

Go do something important and beneficial to America, like legalizing marijuana and taxing the shit out of it, or declaring mounted machine guns and repeater lasers legal in Nascar.

Published by M.A. Brotherton

M.A. Brotherton is a writer, blogger, artist, and fat-kid from the suburbs of Kansas City, Missouri. He’s tasted a little bit of everything the Midwest has to offer, ranging from meth-tweaking rednecks in massive underground cave complexes to those legendary amber waves of grain. When he’s not writing, he spends most of his time screwing around on the internet.