Tonight we will be subjected to a word stir-fry (Trump would never have anything to do with a salad) of nationalistic, xenophobic, dog-whistle prose, delivered by our reluctant president, a congealed adult-shaped mound of the grease run-off collected by a George Foreman grill.

This afternoon, the White House released some excerpts of the speech, which he may or may not deliver without improvisation or incident. They include: “Americans love their country. And they deserve a government that shows them the same love and loyalty in return;” “In our drive to make Washington accountable, we have eliminated more regulations in our first year than any administration in history,” [????] and, “For the last year we have sought to restore the bonds of trust between our citizens and their government.” I am! not! joking! around!

Your team of Jezebel livebloggers is unable to witness this event without the numbing influence of alcohol and/or vape, and we imagine you can’t either, so we officially present the 2018 State of the Union Drink Until You Forget Who Is President Drinking Game, presented by the Jezebel staff:

One (1) sip every time Paul Ryan looks smug

One (1) sip at every mention of “the wall”

One (1) sip at every mention of Hillary Clinton

One (1) sip every time Melania Trump arrives at the State of the Union speech without Trump, bucking the trend of FLOTUS arriving with POTUS (that already happened, so that’s a free one for you)

One (1) sip every time Trump uses the construction, “Make America ____ again”

One (1) sip every time a member of the cabinet is shown looking a) villainous, b) drowsy, or c) constipated

One (1) sip every time a Trump child is shown, or referred to, or you accidentally summon their face into your mind’s eye

Chug one (1) beer if Trump says the words, “Me too” (in that order); if you don’t have a beer, find one

Finish ENTIRE (entire) drink if there is any mention of Rand Paul’s gardening dispute.

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Good luck. Stay safe. Join us in the live blog. Watch a live stream of the speech here.