Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental!

Chapter One: The Innocent Beginning

Page One: Problem with the New Job

You did not hire me. Your manager did. To say that the interview was easy is an understatement. He overheard me asking an affiliate a few intelligent questions. Then he introduced himself and said, “Do you want the job?”

When I agreed he said, “The owner of the company can be a little scary but most of his employees like him once they get to know him.”

I was working out of the satellite office. One day I walked into the main office and you were there. I did not find you scary. You followed me across the office and stood about three inches away from me when you said, “Do you work for me now?”I replied, “yes” and walked away brusquely.

Once safely out of earshot, I pulled out my phone and called a female friend of mine. I explained that I had found a, “problem with the new job.”

I quantified the problem as, “I am attracted to the boss and I think that he is attracted to me too.”

She gave me a cliché piece of advice.

I agreed with her and resolved to avoid you.

Page Two: Your Bad Personality

In your own words you have a, “bad personality.”

You have an interesting way of communicating about this. You manage to somehow divorce yourself from it. It is as if there is poor innocent you and a bad personality has simply attached it’s self to you. Try as you might, you cannot rid yourself of it.

You have an excellent personality. What you have is a bad temper.

But, there is something else that you do routinely. It’s explain that your, “bad personality” is “your problem” not “anyone else’s.”

You apologize for it in advance. You explain that you don’t actually mean the things that you say when the bad personality has taken control of your voice box. You encourage people to ignore you. You add that if any feelings are actually hurt then you are always willing to listen and apologize after you have calmed down. You keep your word and the apologies are sincere.

At least this is what you did when you were practicing management and happy. It’s how you retained a staff despite your challenge.

Obama and former President Clinton are both quite amicable. At least, that is their public persona. They both chose Rom Emanuel as Chief of Staff.

Apparently, he is known for being able to use the F word as a comma.

Page Three: “No One Manage Alex”

I could not avoid you entirely because, let’s face it, you owned the place. Shortly after our initial brief encounter you decided to explain to me how the office ran. You did this with everyone and routinely did it yourself rather than delegating it.

I don’t like being told what to do. This is true of most people but it is likely a touch pronounced for me. It bothers me. I had been warned of your temper but had not seen it.

I wasn’t afraid of it at all, merely curious about it.

I waited for an opportune moment to make an extremely snide and sarcastic comment. When I did the office fell silent. You and I locked gazes.

We remained that way for an indefinite period of time. Seconds? A full minute? More?

I don’t know. But I didn’t look away. Finally, you laughed.

The office looked confused. I felt that I had won. And still do actually.

Then you made a rule that, “no one manage Alex.”

And, that I report directly to you.

Page Four: The Cobra Snake

You gave everyone on the team goofy nick names. They were all equally goofy so no one was being singled out. For example you referred to your manager as, “Tubby Scrubs.”

You chose Cobra Snake for me. This is because my last name is Kobre and you made the observation that I puff up when I’m angry.

Indecently, this happened nearly ten years ago.

I am more puffed up than I have ever been in my life.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Page Five: Oops!

In less than a month the inevitable happened. You called me and explained that I, “definitely had a job no matter what.”

I found this peculiar as I had not expected my employment to be terminated. Then you asked me if I wanted to get a margarita. You used the word date. I explained that while I did find you, “attractive” I could “not date you because you” were “my boss.”

I told you that I would set you up with my friend. I specified that I would come on the date. As we were getting dressed she said, “Engel, what I don’t understand is why I’m going on your date.”

It ended up being my date.

We agreed in advance that it was casual and for the summer only. You asked me if I would, “fall in love with you?”

I laughed and said no. I asked you if you would fire me if we had a fight. You laughed and said no. Throughout the summer it was routine for you to make sure that I was not falling in love with you.

I would always explain that I found, “nothing more mortifying than the notion of bearing your children.”

You would laugh.

Indecently, I quite apologize for publishing this. I am publishing it because of the vigilante stunt that you pulled six years later.

I think highly of your intellect. That was stupid.

But I’m getting ahead of myself again.

Page Six: The Shoe

It was on our second or third date that you noticed my busted shoe. The sole had come loose. It was around a third of the way detached. You did a peculiar thing. This one was peculiar even for you. You played with the sole of the shoe. You put your finger between the cloth and the sole. That was odd because you are afraid of germs, and just odd.

After playing with my shoe for a good little bit you said, “why would you get” a commission only, “job when you cannot afford shoes?”

I shrugged and said, “I just felt like it.”

You were visibly excited by my response.

You explained that you had “created” the best firm in the city within its niche market.

Then you suggested that I, “hurry up” and do some transactions so that I could “buy” myself “some shoes.”

I am not a musician. From my understanding perfect pitch is unimportant but concert pitch is. My decision could easily be interpreted as reckless or careless, except by someone who is highly entrepreneurial and highly proficient at management.

It was an indication of strong intuition. That is why you were excited.

Page Seven: The Argument

Of course we eventually had an argument of a personal nature. Unsurprisingly, it was your fault. I won’t even go into it. Despite the fact that it was your fault you were furious with me. But you did not fire me or threaten to. Instead you called my friend who had accompanied us on our first date. I know this because she called me complaining that you had contacted her and proposed, “vindictive sex.”

Your personality is excellent. Your temper is comically bad. Comedians work hard to create material like this. It’s effortless for you. But, the comedy is unintentional.

That was in the afternoon the day after the disagreement. By seven or eight o’clock you had calmed down. In fact, you called me and apologized. Then you asked me if I wanted to get a margarita. I said “yes” and we got off the phone.

You called me back immediately. You specified that if I never wanted to date you again I still had a job. I told you that I, “had assumed that” but “appreciated the call.”

Page Eight: My Anatomy

One night you and I went out with your father. The evening began peacefully. Later, for no apparent reason, save intoxication, a man became extremely disrespectful and antagonistic toward your father. I saw your skin bristling and feared the worst.

I began listening closely. The man said something extremely disrespectful and inappropriate. But it was also quite easily turned around on him and I realized it immediately. In the loudest voice possible I suggested that your father ask him a few intelligent questions about his statement. The man turned red and went away.

Your father laughed so hard that we could not tell what he was saying. Eventually you realized that he was saying, “Engel has balls.”

As you know, I am quite an amiable person by nature. I save my proverbial testicles for emergency situations. I have declared this an emergency.

Page Nine: The Question

At one point you walked into the office and began explaining something about a specific client agent by agent. I was on the phone. You waited until I was off the phone and approached my desk. I said, “Yes, I already heard you.”

I did not like the way that you looked at me when I said it. Then you said, “You hear everything that goes on in this office, don’t you?”

I did not want to answer. I felt that the answer had implications that I didn’t understand. I wanted to understand prior to answering or declining to. But, our eyes were already locked. You were going to have your answer. I said “yes.”

It was the only time during the summer that I was uncomfortable with you.

That is when you actually made the decision to teach me management. I felt it.

I might be wrong, but I doubt it.

Page Ten: My Anatomy

One night you and I went out with your father. The evening began peacefully. Later, for no apparent reason, save intoxication, a man became extremely disrespectful and antagonistic toward your father. I saw your skin bristling and feared the worst.

I began listening closely. The man said something extremely disrespectful and inappropriate. But it was also quite easily turned around on him and I realized it immediately. In the loudest voice possible I suggested that your father ask him a few intelligent questions about his statement. The man turned red and went away.

Your father laughed so hard that we could not tell what he was saying. Eventually you realized that he was saying, “Engel has balls.”

As you know, I am quite an amiable person by nature. I save my proverbial testicles for emergency situations.

I have declared this an emergency.

Page Eleven: Abject Failure

You quite loved to pick on me. One of your favorite things to pick on me for was being a, “feminist.”

In fact the culture of the firm you founded included ,“Alex is a feminist.”

While this outcome would have been likely anyway you certainly encouraged it. It was quite common for you to make intentionally chauvinistic comments and stare at me. Obviously, you were looking for a reaction.

You always got the same one. I always laughed at you. But I never explained why.

For one thing, you have an inherent personality conflict with passive people regardless of their gender. A man who detests passive people aspiring to chauvinism is analogous to a tone deaf person deciding to be a musician.

Moreover, your pattern is to be extremely respectful of women’s boundaries. I observed that pattern by watching you interact with your staff prior to dating you. I was confident that you were not predatory prior to making that decision and I was accurate.

The above is a behavior that an aspiring chauvinist would want to avoid.

You also gave equal pay and equal credit for ideas to women, routinely. Statistics support the fact that this is not the norm. You did not do it because you felt that you had to.

There is another little problem here. You taught someone who you judged to be a feminist management. But I am ahead of myself again.

Despite some degree of sincerity in your ignoble intention you were comically bad at actually being a chauvinist. That is why I laughed at you.

Indecently, seven years later I suffered a traumatic stress breakdown due to actually being harassed by an employer who I did not date. I am not at all amused.

But, I am ahead of myself again.

Page Twelve:A Meatball in an Unfortunate Area

That summer you found a homeless man sleeping in your parking space. You yelled at him and told him to go away. Then you felt badly for yelling at him and asked him if he wanted work. A few weeks later you felt badly that you had an employee sleeping on the sidewalk so you asked him if he wanted to move into your unfinished basement.

A few months later you felt badly that you had an employee sleeping in your basement so you allowed him to move into the second bedroom. You are an early riser. As the story goes, he fell asleep with pasta and meatballs in his bed. Apparently he forgot to close the door as well. A meatball became stuck in an unfortunate area of his anatomy.

Most people would have politely pretended that this hadn’t happened, but not you. You told the entire office. His nickname became “Meatball.”

Page Thirteen: The Firefighter

The firm had an educated and affluent clientele. On a busy day we would pick and chose which individuals to help. It was not based on minority status but on their ability to income qualify for high ticket housing and their sense of urgency about making a decision. This is ethical and legal. It’s also good business.

Many people were priced out of that city in that summer. There was a young man who had trained to be a firefighter and had secured employment in that city. There was a catch. He had to live within the city limits. Even with a roommate his budget was almost impossibly low. Instead of working with an affluent grad student, and there are plenty there, or an established professional you opted to help the young firefighter and his roommate that day. You involved me in the situation.

You instructed me to show them a unit which you assured me was in the right city. They agreed to take it. A few hours later you double checked on the address and you were wrong. You called them and apologized. They were disappointed but understanding.

The next day you suggested a unit in the right city. You asked me to meet them at the address. I did meet them at the address but when I arrived I realized that I had forgotten the key. At that point you opted to share your opinion that I am an “F’ing idiot” with me.

You also asked, “How stupid are you?!” Your personality is excellent but your temper is another story.

I met with the firefighter and his roommate again that day and I had the key. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. I called you and explained this. You explained to me that you had checked it yourself and used the word, “impossible” in an exasperated tone.

You drew the conclusion that I had to be at the wrong address. We double checked the address. The number on the door matched the one on the listing sheet that you had written. You explained that the owner of the unit should be there working on it anyway. I explained that I heard a, “hammer next door” and had “figured out what went wrong.”

Then I hung up on you.

The firefighter and his roommate did secure that unit with our help that day. But I stopped speaking to you unless absolutely necessary. That evening you left a note on my windshield that read, “I’m sorry. You are far from stupid.”

I began speaking to you again the next day.

Page Fourteen: Flower

At one point during that you switched vehicles with me. This was because of your altercation with a police officer. You did not want for him to recognize your vehicle, or if he did for me to be in it. I drove carefully.

Most people avoid altercating with the Police, but not you.

In your vehicle I noticed a picture of a flower with a little poem about how peaceful flowers are underneath it. I felt that this object did not belong in your car. I called you and asked if you wanted me to, “throw it away.”

You explained that you liked it a lot and that it made you happy.

Page Fifteen:Meatball and Napoleon

One night we were sitting on your back porch. You expressed your sentiments about Meatball. You said that you thought that it was sad that in this society, “once you are a loser you are a loser.”

Your hope was that he could get it together enough that you could promote him. In the words of your former incarnation “Leaders deal hope.”

Though, you are tragically wasting your talents in this lifetime. But, I am getting ahead of myself again.

Page Sixteen: My Decision that Summer

Late in the summer we decided to spend a weekend at your vacation home. You opted to drive. Unsurprisingly, at one point you became absolutely livid over another persons driving. Luckily, they could not hear what you said.

If you had owned a bull horn you probably would have shared your opinion.

Immediately there after you became upset with yourself for having lost your temper again. You began verbally abusing yourself. I encouraged you to stop but you wouldn’t.

That is when I realized that you are harder on yourself than you are on others.

Once I had that epiphany I felt extremely badly for you. I decided to accept everything about you in hopes that you would some day accept yourself.

In the following years I did exactly that.

Page Seventeen:The Chess Game

During that weekend we got brunch at a quiet café by the water. You suggested that we play chess and I agreed. I don’t play chess often and I don’t like losing. You had been playing all summer. I pretended that I didn’t know how to move the pieces. I refused to decide on any moves myself and deferred to your suggestions.

My guess was that if you thought that you were playing against yourself you would get clumsy. I took your queen with my pawn within seven moves. You leaned back in your chair and yelled “sneaky bitch!”

Everyone in the quiet café turned and looked at us. When they saw me grinning and holding your queen triumphantly they began laughing and cheering me on. The audience was decisively on my side. I almost felt badly for you.

Then I got a pawn to the other side of the board and ended up with two queens. Then I stopped paying attention. I felt that the point was made.

You technically won, kind of.

Page Eighteen: You’re Decision in That Summer

It was late in the summer when it was implied by prior agreement that we would not date for much longer that you said to me, “I am no idiot. I know how intelligent and ambitious you are. I know that you will probably” move on “in a few years. But if you will stay at” the firm that I founded “long term I’ll teach you the only skill that you need.”

You and are both highly entrepreneurial. Naturally, you were referring to management. You were already a millionaire. I was twenty-five and had only recently become able to afford shoes. Naturally, I said “yes.”