The Official Joke thread

This is a discussion on The Official Joke thread within Shifting gears, part of the Around the Corner category; Birthday Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his ...

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh *** for mah drink."

[FONT=Courier New]Jeppiar, the chairman of Satyabama Engineering College and some other colleges (in Chennai) was a police constable. He was the right hand of our MGR and due to hi political power he started that engineering college. He named it after MGR's mother Satyabama. Now, enjoy these English sentences from Jeppiar .These are a few comedies about Jeppiar The
Great.... (Mind u. These r facts!!!!!)

# About his family :
----------------
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

# At the ground :
-------------
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
*The girl with the mirror please come her...{Meaning girl with specs).

# Giving a punishment :
-------------------
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# Sir at his best :
---------------

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to
see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them. So
the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY
WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

Inside the Class :
----------------
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - ta ke the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose
today...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver...
* Take 5 cm wire of any length...

One More:
----------
Once jeppiar had come late to a college function, by the time the
function had started, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry i am late,
because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats). This is the way
his english will be but let me tell u some of the dialogues heard during
sathyabama college day 2001:

This college strict u the worry no ... u get good marks, i the happy,
tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry i enjoy.

St Joseph Freshers day 2003 - No ragging this college. anybody rag we arrest the police.[/FONT]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

[

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. " And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.! let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

["Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply]

["Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants."

[FONT=Courier New]Jeppiar, the chairman of Satyabama Engineering College and some other colleges (in Chennai) was a police constable. He was the right hand of our MGR and due to hi political power he started that engineering college. He named it after MGR's mother Satyabama. Now, enjoy these English sentences from Jeppiar .These are a few comedies about Jeppiar The
Great.... (Mind u. These r facts!!!!!)

# About his family :
----------------
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

# At the ground :
-------------
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
*The girl with the mirror please come her...{Meaning girl with specs).

# Giving a punishment :
-------------------
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# Sir at his best :
---------------

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to
see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them. So
the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY
WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

Inside the Class :
----------------
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - ta ke the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose
today...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver...
* Take 5 cm wire of any length...

One More:
----------
Once jeppiar had come late to a college function, by the time the
function had started, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry i am late,
because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats). This is the way
his english will be but let me tell u some of the dialogues heard during
sathyabama college day 2001:

This college strict u the worry no ... u get good marks, i the happy,
tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry i enjoy.

St Joseph Freshers day 2003 - No ragging this college. anybody rag we arrest the police.[/FONT]

Hey mclaren most of this stuff was also said by our commerce teacher in school mr. raj babu

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks."Yes," the Lab replies."So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog."Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros?This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

Bhola spoke frantically on the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" Bhola shouted. "This is her husband!"