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Friday, March 12, 2010

I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Warning: This is one of those long and rambling posts...

Just when I'm feeling good about the (major, life-changing) decisions I'm making, I start to feel that familiar self-doubt creeping in around me. I think I'm making myself crazy. I'm my own worst enemy!

Backing up a bit, I can say with certainty now that January and February were the 2 hardest months of my life so far and definitely the lowest I've ever felt. There were days when I felt bad thoughts trying to take over and I wondered if I was going to get through this year, this deployment, this rough patch in the road. Was it any wonder I was depressed? I have 6 kids, a deployed husband, and the winter of 2009-2010 was filled with snow that left us home bound for 14 days. I recently read this quote from the Capital Weather Gang and had to laugh. "Statistical odds suggest Washingtonians alive today may never experience another 10 days of weather comparable to February 1-10, 2010. The amount of snow we witnessed in that short span was unprecedented (in recorded history), and will likely stand in the record book unsurpassed for years to come." Umm, ya think?That's my amazing luck. Don't stand next to me in a lightning storm! I haven't lived in Virginia in more than 7 years but as soon as I move back, we get historical snowfalls. Is that like Murphy's Law?

Maybe it's Murphy's Law of Deployments?

Maybe it's the same reason that the kids (briefly) lost my house keys in Jessie's yard on Sunday? Or that my van battery died? Or that I keep blowing fuses in my van and my brake lights and turn signals go out? Or that the front door to our house has a rotting door frame that needs to be replaced? Or that we have a house in Georgia that has been sitting on the market for sale without a single showing?

It's because Jason is gone and I will experience every trial and tribulation while he is away. he whole snow shovel fiasco? Murphy's Law again.

Apparently our amazing luck followed him to Iraq because he has still not received his trunk with all of his personal items yet. It's been 3 months since it was shipped. And his laptop is in there. He has to walk quite far (often in the mud) to get to the public phones and computers so that he can call me. Poor guy!I have all of these thoughts running through my head and all of the little stressful things that keep popping up around here. It's one little annoyance after another. And I'm coping just fine, but I think it has rendered me unable to make difficult decisions.

All week I have been second guessing my move to Georgia.

I know that moving there is the right thing to do right now. I know that there is no perfect solution to our situation. I know that the kids will be so happy to be with their friends and to go to our church again. It will be nice to be in our home again, even if it is without furniture or toys. I know it will be good for us.So why am I hesitating? What am I afraid of now?

I feel like I don't want to stay here, but I don't want to go. I don't know what I want! I wish I could just stay in this house but move it to Georgia and bring Jessie with me. That would be perfect!

But I've already made the decision. The movers come in just 2 short weeks. Our house in Virginia has been listed for rent. I've made all of the arrangements to return to Georgia. Now I just need to stop making myself crazy and trust that I'm doing the right thing.

And if I'm not? Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've made a big mistake in my life. And surely it won't be the last. I do try to learn from my mistakes. And I'll just try to maintain a positive attitude through whatever happens.My friend Beth told me last week about a young woman she'd met at an ice cream shop in Tucson. Beth's son noticed that the woman had no arms and it led to a conversation in which Beth discovered something amazing. The young woman is a pilot, a black belt, and a motivational speaker. And she's only 26 years old.

I had to know more so I googled and came across this young woman's website. Her name is Jessica Cox and she is just incredible. I couldn't stop reading about her and I was most impressed by her attitude and spirit. She doesn't sit around and feel sorry that she was born without arms. She doesn't use that as an excuse. She's perseveres and overcomes the challenges that stand in her way.

If she can fly a plane with no arms, then what's stopping me from reaching my goals?

It's all in my head.I'm a think-out-loud kind of person. I'm a planner. I like to discuss what I'm thinking until I've driven everyone around me completely nuts. Just ask Jason.

Since Jason isn't here and our phone calls are sporadic and poorly timed, I'm left rambling on and on to Jessie (my SIL) or just spilling my guts here. Sometimes I feel more and more sure of myself just by writing down what I want to do in life. I think as I go, and blogging has been such a great release for me. (I have dozens of unpublished posts that I write just for myself.)

Right now I'm just talking myself into this whole moving mess. Never mind the worries about going over our weight limit for the move or whether our house will sell. I'm just going to focus on the task at hand.Mission #1: Get these 6 cute kids to Georgia.

Mission #2: Sell our house in Georgia.

Mission #3: Make it to Washington before Jason gets home.

Phew! Ok, now that I've written it down and my mind has run in circles, I'm done. I can't reconsider or drive myself crazy with the what-ifs. My head is already a jumbled mess!

See? This is what moving 4 times in 12 months will do to someone!

I have become my own worst enemy. My mind keeps me up at night. (Or maybe that's all of the caffeine?) No, it's definitely my brain on overdrive.

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About Me

I'm a Christian mom, Army wife, and doula. I've had 6 children in 5 years including not one, but two, sets of identical twins. I'm an advocate for homebirth and I gave birth to my twin girls on the floor of my own bedroom. (View my homebirth story here. ) I just survived a long deployment and a cross-country move with sanity mostly intact.