Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Dinner Party 2: Fantasy Nightmare Draft

Back in DecemberI discussed the possibility of hosting a dinner party for anyone you wanted, living or dead. I came up with four guests, since the other two seats at my table would be filled by me and my wife. Let's do something similar now, but the restriction is that you must invite people you would never consider inviting under any circumstance. The person could be insane, criminal, annoying, self-destructive or just generally odious. They must, however, have some degree of fame.

Too easy. Please make another selection

Just consider it. Imagine having to try to host a dinner party for four people nobody would ever consider willingly inviting into their homes. Let's see who is coming to dinner.

Henry VIII

When I consulted with the wife on a nightmare guest list, her first suggestion was Roseanne Barr. When I asked why, she said, "she's fat and loud." I informed her that so was I and she needed more than that for her reasons. Her next suggestion was Henry VIII. I have to agree this would be a challenging guest to entertain. He's going to want to have sex with your daughter/wife. He's likely to drink and eat you out of house and home. He's going to make a huge mess and is probably going to demand someone come wipe his ass after he wrecks the bathroom. Finally, he will eventually become displeased and try to have you executed. While we're on that subject, how about...

Oscar Pistorius

Trips to the bathroom are going to have a certain level of risk.

Too soon? Fine. How about...

Vlad the Impaler

This guy would probably be way at the bottom of anyone's guest list. I imagine it would be fairly uncomfortable to sit at a table with a guy responsible for the death of like 80,000 people and the razing of countless towns. I can't imagine he was a sparkling conversationalist. Plus, you're never going to be able to set a table that he's going to like. Vlad had very specific ideas about dining atmosphere.

Vlad enjoying a meal at Bobby Flay Steak.

Finally...

Lucrezia Borgia

You may say to yourself, "Why not this lady? She looks fairly nice. Good hair. Stylish outfit. Not too much makeup." Well you would be correct. Lucrezia was considered a hottie for her time. So why wouldn't you want her at the table? For one thing, the Borgias were famous for throwing fantastically huge parties. If you invite this lady to your table, you're probably going to be met with a lot of eye rolling and snide comments about how much better her dinner parties are. More importantly, she's likely to murder everyone at the table with poison. It appears that Ms. Borgia allegedly wore a ring with a compartment filled with poison. She would allegedly dump said poison in your drink when you weren't looking. It was like a roofie except you die.