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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Surviving the Apocalypse Lesson #47: Zombies

If it was bad before, with the success of The Walking dead, it's safe to say the nation has zombie fever. Er, not literally. Yet...

When that day comes you can either be a survivor or walking appetizer. For those who want to be the former, here are some tips to help you get through.

#1: Clothing:

Dressing for a Zompocalypse is like dressing for the weather. If you are knowingly going to be in an area with a swarming mass of zombies, you cannot just waltz through in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Think light, but think smart. Sure a metal suit might protect you for a bit from gnashing teeth, but ultimately it'll weigh you down.

Leather on the other hand is not only fashionable, but durable. Remember, they may be ferocious, but they still have human teeth to tear with. If you can sew, all the better. With a little ingenuity, one can create a battle suit entirely out of leather. Even a covering for a head. You may end up looking like something out of an S&M enthusiast's dream, but at least you'll be safe.

Here are two examples of how to dress and how not to dress:

See how the wrong guy looks upset? That's cause he's about to be eaten. One last thing about clothing: If you're considering a helmet of some kind, know that while it adds a level of extra protection, it also decreases how well you can hear and sense a zombie approaching. And never underestimate how important reaction time is.

#2: Housing:

Do you live in a city? Get to know some friends out in the country. If there's time before the epidemic is full blown, you can get out there. The best type of housing is one that offers ultimate protection. If someone has a farm, a small portion can be walled off. It will take time though, so this is really only advisable for a large group of people. If you can wall off an area large enough to garden, you're on your way to self sustainment.

Obviously this option isn't available to everyone. So for those who are stuck in the city remember the following.

Heights. Zombies are not known for their vertical abilities. Apartment buildings offer a great protection if you can contain the the stairwell.

Roofs. If you can't farm in the country, you can still farm in the city. Roofs of apartments are excellent places to make a garden. Though getting dirt and seeds will present a risk, it's one worth taking.

Water. In the country you might have a well. In the city you won't so remember to stock up at home as much as you can. But that will only last so long, so again, a roof is a great place to catch rain.

Here are some more examples. This time a good place to stay and a bad one:

Choosing appropriate housing is the most important thing you can do. So remember to choose carefully.

#3: Weaponry:

If you survive long enough you will probably at some point have the opportunity to get a hold of firearms. However it's unlikely that most us are stocked with the latest guns and ammo. Even if you do get a gun, you have to worry about running out of ammunition. Not to mention the noise they make will only attract zombies from miles away. Which means choosing a couple good melon bashers. But do you go with something like an axe or should you go with something along the lines of a bat? Let us consider the rule of WASSUP.

Weight

Ability

Speed

Strength

Undeterred

Penetration

If you can hardly carry it, it's not the weapon for you. Remember you're likely going to have to use it multiple times. Bottom line, you're looking for something that is fast, won't get stuck in a zombie, and that you're capable of using.

Here's two more examples of what's appropriate and inappropriate:

Using WASSUP, it's not hard to see the axe is really a pretty poor choice. Naturally, I don't expect anyone to have a battle axe laying around, but just think of the last time you hefted an axe of any size. It's heavy and slow. The bat on the other hand is quick and deadly. Also note that she's using a metal bat. Wood splinters and breaks too easy.

At the end of the day a lot will depend on your particular surroundings. However if you consider these tips and hole up for awhile it will eventually blow over. After all, zombie bodies are constantly decomposing, so eventually they will reach a point of shutting down completely. All you need to do is stay safe till then.

The thing about the right and wrong weapon...you really haven't seen me handle a battle axe have you? I'm like a taller, mildly more handsome, Gimli with less facial hair. Ok, I take back the handsome part, Gimli is quite a looker.

I am gonna screem WASSUP as I swing my bat into many a head. But DO NO put a nail in that bat because they get stuck and you have to pull them out. Aluminum bats would work well but I think I will go finally with a cane with a heavy topper. One that can become a nice slashing weapon if need be. But a good heavy handle so that the sound 'KA BONG' comes off eat frickin' zombie head.

Speaking of protection - I read somewhere that in some book a person used baby jumpers stuffed inside his industrial coveralls and that was quick and effective in preventing the biting of extremities. And you could still move well. Or one of those police dog training suits.

I have been ready for the apocalypse fore a long time. Bring on the hordes of undead, my husband, daughter and I will be there at the end laughing at all the retards that didn't make it.

Oh one thing on your weapon...Bamboo! Kendo sticks are amazing (albeit loud) and practice swords (the wooded ones that they use to practice in martial arts) are awesome too! Better than a bat, because you can learn how to wield a real sword which would be, in my opinion, the best way to dispatch zombies...that or spears are awesome too. Bats...not so much.

TS, Thank God you have a broad sword and a short sword. Even if the day comes when they track you up to your roof garden--and I think it will--they'll get a big surprise. A guy in a leather suit with samurai skills will wipe those smirks off their faces!

I'm glad to see that somebody else is taking the pending attack seriously! I've attached silencers to all my weapons. My only quandry is this. Will the zombies be slow and lethargic, or faster and able to grasp simple concepts? I think I'm going to trade in the toyota for battle tank. Oh yeah!

Thanks for your survival guide (complete with illustrations), you may have just saved thousands of lives!

Wow, this was one of your most helpful blog posts ever! It's touching how much you care about your readers that you warn them and equip them in such detail. I have to admit, I am not as prepared as I should be, but I actually plan on being one of the zombies, so you have essentially just given away your strategies. Thanks. I appreciate it. I'll be sure to pass this on to all of my Zombuddies.