SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

So I don't post often... read daily, but hate typing on this tablet!
So we are 99% divorced, lol. All done but waiting on the signed formal papers to get to me in the mail. Anyway, we have moved on. He is "just friends now with OW" which is ridiculous, and I have a wonderful SO.
The issue is that XH seems to think he should be included in all my family things like before... and when I point out that we are pretty much divorced now, he says things like "oh, well, I guess we have to handle everything the same way other people do" all sarcastic and as though I am just following the 'rules of divorce' rather than making our own rules.
So my brother is getting married mid December and EX is upset he didn't get an invite. He acts as though because he and my brother are friendly, and his son will be in the wedding, that he should have been invited. So now his wittle feelings are all hurt. Now mind you, my brother and he don't hang out regularly or even talk on the phone, but my family has been friendly to EX h
as they dont really know how else to be to him. My brother is a friend when it benefits him and frankly, EX has never liked my brother much because of past behavior and addictions. But now that he isn't 'part of the family' he expects to still be treated as such.
Am I crazy here? How is it NOT awkward for me and SO to have the ex there? We are divorced for gods sake... in my opinion, if my SIL were getting married and even if my son were in the wedding, I wouldn't EXPECT an invite. Nor would I want to go. I would send a card and let EX take my son and enjoy his family time. Its like he expects to be treated like the husband still even after divorce!

Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 309 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC

damncutekitty♀ 5929Member # 5929

Posted: 3:12 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013

Sometimes it takes a while for it to sink in what DIVORCE really means. Fortunately his hurt feelings are not your problem. A fact you should remind him of before hanging up on him anytime he DARES whine to you.

As for the wedding, he's not remotely entitled to an invite and he knows it. My guess is that not being invited to the wedding was a reminder that he is a piece of human garbage and that his douchiness had actual consequences and he didn't like the cold slap of reality.

Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49483 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis

SBB♀ 35229Member # 35229

Posted: 3:18 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013

^^He is the crazy one. You've broken up - it wasn't friendly or mutual, it was a betrayal and no matter how 'clean' these kinds of breakups are they still stink to high heaven.

Being civil is as good as it gets for him - he needs to realise that.

He doesn't like the consequences of his actions - he is blaming you for these consequences. Typical unremorseful Wayward behaviour.

He is trying to manipulate you into being friends so he feels better about himself.

I remember shortly after DD I told the sad clown: "You are no longer my husband, I am no longer your wife. You are no longer the head of this family - I am the head of my own family. These are the direct consequences of your choices - deal with it."

Of course he wants to follow his own rules. Make no mistake - there's no 'our' about it. They would all cake-eat if we let them. The sad clown tried on the 'lets be friends for the kids' bullshit whilst doing terribly unfriendly things to me and to them.

I had an epiphany - he had been doing this all throughout our M. He was never a husband to me but absolutely expected all of the rights and privileges that being my husband afforded him. He got them too. Until he didn't.

Tell him you will not discuss this further. There is absolutely zero need for you to have this kind of exchange with him. It is inappropriate and I would tell him as much.

I would suggest you go completely dark on him - total NC/180 - until he adjusts to this new dynamic. Actually, why would you ever want him in your life again? If things keep spilling out beyond kids/finances you are constantly being dragged back into his quicksand of crazy.

It stops when you say it stops.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 786 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc

Gemini71♀ 40115Member # 40115

Posted: 5:30 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013

There is always the "I don't know, why don't you ask my brother why you weren't invited?" Hopefully your brother would give him an earful.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 2417 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA

ThisHell♀ 37089Member # 37089

Posted: 8:00 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013

thanks guys. Funny thing, my brother occasionally does chat with ex and recently got an earful from me as I have been trying to maintain stricter boundaries of NC and dont particularly want my own personal business getting back to ex. But recently my brother and I got into it for two reasons. Firstly, the usual babysitters for his girlfriends daughter (my parents, sister and I) were unavailable so he asks Ex to watch her for them. Secondly, since ex had the kids for Halloween, my brother called me to see if I would be mad if he and his girlfriend took her daughter trick or treating with ex and my kids. Maybe I am wrong here, but through our end of marriage and throughout over a year of separation, ex has been hurtful to me in many ways so when I am attempting a more strict NC policy to protect myself I feel that its not appropriate for my brother to be all buddy buddy (when he NEEDS something). It feels rude to me. Am I wrong on that? Do any of you have family still close to your ex's?

Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 309 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC

Nature_Girl♀ 32554Member # 32554

Posted: 8:06 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013

Sorry. Your brother needs to realize that you're divorced & his relationship with your EX is over. He cant keep doing this. I couldn't possibly maintain a relationship with my family if they were as involved with my EX as your brother is.

It is really hard for some WSs to accept what divorce means-- the family is no more!

And all I can say is it'd be a cold day in hell before any of my brothers would allow the Dooosh anywhere near them. I'm actually afraid of what will happen if they ever cross paths again. Won't end well.

Your brother is a jerk for putting you in that position, and your STBX is just an idiot.

divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3633 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville

SBB♀ 35229Member # 35229

Posted: 12:29 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013

Remind you brother than in this instance WH is the Ho in the 'Bro's Before Ho's' contract.

I would be fucking livid if ANY of my blood relatives had anything to do with the sad clown socially. My mum has to deal with him as she wants to keep up her Tuesday arvos with my girls and every 2nd Tue falls on 'his' day. I'm not thrilled about it but I'm pretty sure she has considered violating his toothbrush when she is there....

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5882 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia

defyinggravity♀ 25552Member # 25552

Posted: 11:35 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013

I simply stated to my X, "My family loved you because I loved you." I think he gets it, now.

Me-BS Him-WS
Married-35 years
3 adult children
DD1-1/08. EA. In (fake) MC. "Just friends."
DD2-1/09. PA. Same OW,13 years younger. His married coworker.
Divorced-1/25/11 They married 2/12.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2009

Housefulloflove♀ 38458Member # 38458

Posted: 12:04 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013

Awww poor thing. All he did was betray you and break your vows and destroy what was supposed to be a life-long relationship in one of the most hurtful ways possible! You all are treating him like he's not a really great guy! Why?

Seriously, I don't understand how people can be so clueless. He sounds like a selfish jackass who is incapable of understanding another person's point of view. They destroyed the marriage but they want to keep all the good (to them) parts!

Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 309 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC

Holly-Isis♀ 13447Member # 13447

Posted: 8:11 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013

Your brother seems to be blurring boundaries so it's no wonder that a self-centered X would assume there are no boundaries. After all, he clearly has none.

I can't imagine an instance when the person who broke my sister's heart and tore apart her family would be an acceptable sitter for my child. Even if I had to rearrange major things, I would. Tell him to look for sitters at sites like care.com. That's better than someone who has hurt his family members, KWIM?

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11467 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo

risingfromashes♀ 3903Member # 3903

Posted: 9:39 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013

The ex told me soon after I filed for divorce that he knew that we would end up being "really good friends when this is over". No.

He sent an email to my parents telling them that he really missed them. ((crickets))

My theory is he believes that if we can still be friends then what he did wasn't so bad! If my family still regards him as a family member then all is forgiven. He can still think of himself as Mr. Niceguy.