Friday Fun Stuff – 10-12-12

Friday Fun Stuff, its owners and affiliates, are not responsible in any way for the language, and well, truth of the opinions of Big Bird. We just thought it was funny as hell!!!

“Roseanne” Predicted Your Life

11 Fun Things To Do In A Drive-Thru Lane

1. Drive Through Backwards.
2. Barter. Offer a Cheeseburger for a Big Mac.
3. Walk through.
4. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
5. Repeat everything the order-taker says.
6. Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.
7. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
8. Drive through with a carload of naked people.
9. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
10. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
11. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

An Arab Walks Into A Bar

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish, so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there”.

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”

The Arab asks the bartender, “What’s the hell is the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

More Business Rules

1. Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
2. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
6. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
8. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
9. Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.
10. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.
11. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
12. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
13. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
14. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
15. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
16. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
17. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried

Good Sex & Bad Sex

An elderly couple is sitting for breakfast at a hotel.

The woman suddenly gets up and slaps her husband.

The husband, who is completely taken by surprise, asks, “What was that for?”

The woman replies, “For 45 years you have given me nothing but bad sex!”

After a few seconds, the husband gets up and slaps her back.

The woman, who is completely taken off guard, yells, “And what was that for?”

The husband replies, “How the hell do you know the difference between good sex and bad sex?”

Some Cops Really Do Have A Sense Of Humor

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My Favorite)
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? OK, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs”.
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’ The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

ATTRACTION: the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING: the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL: avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY: a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG: a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT: a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw that makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing sexually.

INDIFFERENCE: a woman’s feelings towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING: a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT: what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC: a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID: a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER: condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG: a man’s term for a woman who wants more from her life with him than just intercourse.

PUSSY WHIPPED: when a man compromises his regular habits for a woman, for the purpose of getting sex.

DICKMATIZED: when a woman associates any words, items or random thought with the love of a penis. And/or, when a woman is in a hypnotic trance, because of the quality of the sex.

Dear Wife,

You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight.

You’re Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don’t wait up.

You’re Wife

Sure I’ll Hire You

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees…

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

Seniors Definitely Need There Own Words

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It will be especially useful to us senior folks!

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a shit.

She Wanted Her Car To Fly And The Ad Said That Red Bull Gives You Wings!

Honey! Telephone!!!

But Now What Am I Going To Talk About?

That Taxidermist Is Going To Have A Heart Attack When He Sees This!

He Should Be Glad She Said Something Otherwise Who Knows What She Would Do With It