Let’s see, last time stuff happened with the Malkavians. Mostly stupid stuff that involved horrible accents, German, and an illogical deal where Willow promised to hand over the city to them. Really, at this point the fic has lost all pretense of trying to have a plot and now it’s just random shit happening while Igor moons over IndigoStars.

“I still feel really embarrassed for Igor.”

Luckily this fic is gone and was super obscure even before she pulled it down. And now it’s being featured on a riff blog that is every bit as obscure. It’s unlikely Indigo will ever see it. Anyway, let’s see what we’ve got this week.

Also, to address the elephant in the room, I discovered today that Igor is transgender and prefers the feminine pronoun. My bad on that one, but I had to dig pretty deep into the internet to discover it, so I see it as an honest mistake. Regardless, I’ve corrected it moving forward.

Today we return with more of Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu, William Ungerstein Fmergio’s disastrous attempt to turn H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos into a high-school AU.

“Yes.

Really.”

Last time we were introduced to Popo Spawn-of-Cthulhu-the-Cancerous-Tentacled-Blemish-on-the-Cosmos-Birther-of-Maggots-and-Vermin, a high-school girl who is somehow also the direct biological offspring of a building-sized Great Old One. She managed to starve herself to death in the middle of a populated city after her parents went on vacation and somehow transferred their mortgage into her name…

“… and was promptly somehow resurrected by Great Cthulhu to serve as His ‘champion’ in a ‘war’ with basically every other inhabitant of the Mythos (which would be fought entirely by solo human representatives because apparently the Great Old Ones suddenly care about the Prime Directive for some glubbing reason).”

This resulted in her increasing a cup size and her hair turning green. That’s literally it.

“So she went back to her human secondary school and basically continued business as glubbing usual, although she also tried to look up Great Cthulhu in the library and can’t find anything until another young female named Hanako pointed her directly to the works of H. P. Lovecraft himself (whose existence inside what me and the other Mythos types call ‘reality’ still makes my head hurt). A little later Hanako turned into some sort of cross-between-a-Deep-One-and-a-Black-Sabbath-album-cover thing and tried to strangle Popo to death in the name of Father Dagon. I for one was completely onboard with that, but then Hanako got killed by some other girl named Natasha who used the plague-based (?) powers given to her by Nyarlathotep to climb out of Hanako’s shadow and dissolve her where she stood.”

And if any of this sounds actually interesting to you, just imagine it being related in prose more appropriate for the troubleshooting manual of a cordless drill.

Welp, we’re finally there, the home stretch. Now that Igor is completely out of fucks to give, we enter the freefall stage. The shark jumps, the editing dwindles, and what passes for the plot becomes even more fragmented and incoherent.

“You make it sound so good!”

Don’t I, though?

“Recap?”

Sure. Spike does a sparring session with team Buffy, and then quickly drops that in favor of most of the group running off to go look for the very items that Willow was just told about in the previous scene. Because that’s how good writing works. On their way there Jim is invited to exposit his backstory, which he does. It’s a contrived backstory, and since it’s about a character that nobody honestly gives a shit about, there’s no real need to revisit it. After a quick chat with the embodiment of the plot, they’re directed to the same place Willow’s going. It’s also dropped that Igor has decided to change his mistake into a plot point involving Sunnydale being completely restored. Presumably with a “because magic” in there somewhere. And if you’re wondering why it took the members of Team Buffy this long to think something was strange with Sunnydale being back, then you’d be forgetting that nobody in this fic actually has a brain.

“It turns out that you don’t need one to star in a fanfic!”

The chapter trails off with a scene of DEEP FORESHADOWING™ where a bunch of vampires with extremely fake accents talk about stuff that I can’t be bothered to remember, and then an ASMR vampire shows up because why the fuck not? Igor literally had no fucks left to give when he wrote that scene, which is why I skimmed the crap out of it.

Hey, patrons! Welcome back to the second half of what I’m calling ‘the nose-dive chapter.’

“It really is obvious that Igor has completely run out of ideas.”

Not only that, he’s totally run out of fucks to give. That means we’re in store for the total burn out. There will be a large burst of activity in terms of a few chapters that get posted in a short amount of time as Igor tries to rally some interest in the project, and then the dwindle to nothingness.

“Recap?”

Naw, nothing new was served up in the first half. All we got was a bunch of irrelevant dialogue that I assume was supposed to be character building, and a discussion from the Buffy crew that we’ve basically seen a few times before.

“But Spike!”

Right, almost forgot, Spike is being called in as a maid. I guess that’s the summary for the last chapter. Spike in a maid outfit.