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WWN – Ep. 5 – Listen Now & Full Transcript

This is the News for the week of October 2, 2016!

This week, we provide a dramatic reading of Orton: Repercussions of Booking, a meme which appeared on Twitter during SmackDown Live this week. We also cover the fallout from Clash of Champions, RAW, and Smackdown, covering WWE superstars Heath Slater, Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar, and Nikki Bella.

Weekly Wrestling News – Episode 5 – Transcript

This week in our top story we provide a dramatic reading of the recent meme parody, Orton: Repercussion of Booking, and provide some historical context of the origins of original meme on which this one is based. But first! The fake wrestling headlines that you care about!

(Music underneath) This week, it is being reported that the beleaguered professional wrestling promotion Total Nonstop Action is up for sale. Reports indicate that the promotion may be so deep in debt that it will be unable to produce its premier annual pay per view event, Bound for Glory. For those unfamiliar with TNA, this is sort of like if WWE were unable to pay the bills to produce WrestleMania, but try to imagine that the entire production were a bit less like WrestleMania and bit more like a hot dog truck. A run down hot dog truck with only two wheels. Correction; a run down hot dog truck with only two wheels and no hot dogs. More like that.

Potential buyers for TNA are rumored to include the owners of Ring of Honor, Sinclair Broadcasting, the front man for the band Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan, and the billionaire CEO of the WWE, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. When asked how one goes about winning a bidding war against Vince McMahon, Corgan responded, “Well, you don’t.” In light of this news, we here at the Weekly Wrestling News are able to confirm that the only credible buyer for TNA Wrestling is the billionaire CEO of the WWE, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Further, we would like to be first to offer our condolences to recent TNA acquisitions Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes. To paraphrase the Undertaker, may your careers rest in peace.

This week’s Weekly Wrestling News is brought to you by… IT! Yes, IT! The Gift that all of your friends are clamoring to drink in. Give the gift of… IT!

In general news, Brock Lesnar and Randy Orton clashed for a second time this weekend, engaging in a rematch of their SummerSlam contest at a Chicago house show. Reports from the Chicago arena indicated that the general reaction to this match was much the same as the first. Which is to say, no one cared.

On NXT this week, General Manager William Regal announced the return of the Dusty Classic, which as fans know is a 16-tag team single elimination tournament. On the show this week, it was revealed that the current plan for the tournament does not include former NXT tag team champions Blake & Murphy. However, the tournament will include non-established tag teams like Hideo Itami and Kota Ibushi, and Bobby Roode teaming with Tye Dillinger. Once again, it seems as though NXT creative will use the Dusty Classic to further their singles division and not their tag teams competitors. That’s not a joke, that’s just sad. Hideo & Itami. All the way.

WWE’s flagship show RAW received its lowest television rating since 1996. This was largely due to strong competition going up against Monday Night Football and the United States Presidential Election Debate. There are some reports of brand confusion also contributing to the low rating. Reportedly when viewers turned on their television and saw two people in suits insulting each other and making thinly veiled threats of violence, those fans did not realize that they had accidentally tuned into the Presidential Debate.

Our second sponsor this week is Ryder Box. For just $9.99 a month, you can sign up and have WWE superstar Zack Ryder send you boxes full of memorabilia from his illustrious career. This month’s featured item is a picture of Kane rolling Ryder off the RAW stage while seated in a wheelchair and a random assortment of Ryder’s broken dreams and aspirations. Go to RyderBox.com to sign up now!

This Week on RAW, Sheamus and Cesaro were featured in three segments in which the fallout from their best of 7 series was addressed. Despite despising one another, RAW general manager Mick Foley united the unfriendly duo, forcing Sheamus & Cesaro to form the next great odd couple tag team. We’re now receiving reports that this storyline will also be the jumping off point for a brand new sitcom to debut on the WWE Network. Cesaro will star as a fastidious, hypochondriac photographer that, in the wake of a pending divorce, has to move in with his acquaintance and slovenly sportswriter, Sheamus. Hilarity is promised to ensure in the WWE Network’s completely original program, the Mismatched Pair!

As if anticipating the low ratings this week, the first hour or RAW featured rematches from Clash of Champions. Roman Reigns again defeated Rusev to retain the United States Championship, and Gallows & Andersen yet again lost to the New Day. At this point, it has become clear that creative has no intention of promoting Gallows & Andersen in any meaningful way. I would joke about how Gallows and Andersen are now the Ascension of RAW, but even the Ascension won a match this past week. Come on, WWE, throw these guys a bone.

Also this week, Bayley competed in a mercifully quick match against a relatively unknown female competitor, Anna Fields. Between Braun Strowman, Nia Jax, Bo Dallas & Bayley, we can now confirm that RAW is the number one contributor to the ongoing national squash shortage. We beg you, WWE, with the Halloween season nearly underway, won’t you please think of the gourds.

Cruiserweight champion TJ Perkins debuted at Clash of Champions, successfully defending his title against the Brian Kendrick. At the event, Perkins also debuted his video game centric entrance graphics and Mega Man-inspired music. The following night on RAW it became clear that the Mega Man undertones were not limited to his music, as Perkins defeated Tony Nese utilizing Kendrick’s Captain’s Hook maneuver. No word yet in regards to which signature maneuver Perkins has absorbed from defeating Nese, but we can confirm that the over world map has moved Perkins one stage closer to Dr. Wiley’s castle.

We now present this week’s top story, a new segment here on the Weekly Wrestling News which we call, “And Now You Know.” The following is a dramatic reenactment of a meme that appeared on Twitter this past Tuesday night during Smackdown Live:

For those that do not recognize the text, it is an updated version of a meme originally written about the computer game, Doom. The fan fiction, Doom: Repercussions of Evil was originally published on June 25th, 2002 on the website fanfiction.net by author Peter Chimaera. The story describes the experiences of John Stalvern, a space marine whose base is overrun by demons. The story was eventually removed from the site by moderators due to poor spelling and grammar. As with everything on the internet, nothing is ever truly removed, and Doom: Repercussions of Evil has persisted and its legend has grown to this day. And now you know.

This week on Smackdown Live, commentator David Otunga finally finished his story about his conversation with Rikishi. We’re reporting on this development because we said we would, but rest assured that the story’s payoff was just as uninteresting as Otunga himself.

Also on Smackdown Live, it was revealed that Heath Slater has moved his family into a double-wide trailer and has finally finished construction of his above-ground pool. Witnesses report that the Smackdown Tag Team champions, Slater and Rhyno, celebrated with a rousing game of Marco Polo.

Randy Orton continued his ongoing feud with Bray Wyatt in a series of cinematic backstage segments that we here at the Weekly Wrestling News have termed the Bray Witch, or possibly the Blair Wyatt. The segments were well-received by fans and, SPOILER-ALERT, it is being rumored that the eventual payoff will see the camera zoom out to find that a bloodied Randy Orton is actually still laying in the ring at SummerSlam with Brock Lesnar towering over him. *Inception Sound Effect*

On Twitter, WWE Vice President Paul Levesque congratulated the Bellas, Nikki and Brie, on being featured on the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine. Seeing the sisters side-by-side, it has never been more apparent that the sisters can now barely pass as identical twins. Still, the magazine was an excellent opportunity to cross promote both Smackdown and the new reality television show, Total Bellas. The cover also serves as a reminder that Nikki Bella herself remains two of the best reasons why Smackdown is superior to RAW.

Finally, we have some breaking news to report. Former WWE superstar and current Producer, Jamie Noble, was hospitalized this week after being stabbed outside of his home, located in a West Virginia trailer park. Word is that Noble is in stable condition and is expected to make a full recovery. There is no joke here, but we would like to repeat that Jamie Noble lives in a trailer park in West Virginia. Once again Oscar Wilde is proven correct, as life imitates art far more than art imitates life.

The Weekly Wrestling News is a satirical take on the week of news from the world of professional wrestling. Think of it as being like the Daily Show, but made by way less talented people (Doc Manson).

The News primarily covers WWE, NXT, TNA, Lucha Underground, and ROH, mostly in that order, and has been known to skewer the likes of Vince McMahon, Triple H, John Cena, and Nikki Bella. If you have 15 minutes a week to laugh at the things you love, check us out! You can hear all the rest of our podcasts here, or on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, or your podcast directory of choice!