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Thursday, December 21, 2017

Old ideas about divorce and child custody shattered when I attended the annual Battered Mothers Custody Conference, where I spent a weekend with over 200 non-Custodial Protective
Parents (mostly mothers) and Custodial Protective parents (again, mostly
mothers) who through their efforts to protect their children,
either lost custody of their children or live under the constant threat
of losing custody of them to the abuser.

Many of the protective mothers I met are members of churches across the nation. I met non-custodial protective mothers who told me they how they long to fit in and just be a normal mom like the other mom's at church, but in addition to the horrific details of their lives, feel they cannot even attend their fellowship's MOPS group for mom's because of the stigma and shame
attached to being a mother who lost custody of her children. The
old stereotype persiststhat good mothers do not lose custody of their
children.

But this is simply not true. And it is past time for Christians to educate themselves as to what is happening within the United States family court systems.

As we strive to be light and
salt to those within our spheres of influence, as we strive to be obedient to the command to "Bear one another's burdens" let's be aware of the
protective mothers in our midst, who may or may not (as yet) have lost custody of
their children. And let us begin to lovingly support these parents as
they struggle with a horrendous reality that is incomprehensible to most
of us. Sometimes that can be costly in terms of emotional investment, time, and even money. To their credit, one church in Central Florida, went so far as to pay the legal fees for one battered mother to regain custody of her children from their abusive father.

This church was not complementarian, so had no issues with supporting a mother wife who refused to be "submissive" and divorced an abusive husband. Refusal of male-headship churches to respond when possible victims of domestic abuse are identified is both a contributing and exacerbating factor in abuse and subsequent child custody issues among church members. In cases of divorce, most loving fathers agree that children (especially babies and small children) need their mothers. A child's first primary relationship is usually with its mother. Although a protective
parent can be either a mother or a father, it is usually the mother. If a mother is abusive, this writer agrees that a loving father should be granted custody, but the sad fact is, that many (probably the majority) of the fathers who sue for custody, are abusers of both their wives and children. In attempting to protect
their child[ren] from abuse or sexual molestation, protective mothers risk being called liars and experiencing retaliation [or the threat of retaliation] by the family
court system, in being accused of parental alienation (PAS) and of having
their child/children ripped from them [often despite overwhelming evidence substantiating the abuse] and placed in the home of
the abuser.

Family courts operate outside the criminal justice system. The two systems operate under completely different and unequal standards of investigating reports of abuse. This often results in evidence of criminal acts not ever being report to or being investigated by the police (only investigated by "case-workers" and "guardian ad litem's"). It is common, the family court system, for criminal acts never being brought to prosecution.

Additionally, protective mothers who report crimes against their children [by the abusive parent] often find they are ones penalized by having to endure the additional heartache and stigma of being granted only supervised visits with their children, in some cases not even being allowed to touch them during the visits.

Can you imagine, no hugs allowed?

Some mothers lose relationships with their children altogether because of unjust custody rulings and the stiff protocol that comes with many supervised visit rulings. Children are robbed of close loving relationship with a loving parent--often their only loving parent. This is beyond crime. It is pure evil.

And this is happening.

Good mothers do lose custody of their children. And they attend our churches. Visit the links in this post for more information about the family court holocaust that has been devastating American families for decades.

Protective mothers who read this, we ask that you comment to this post with
suggestions as to how we can give you the support you need. What is it that you need
most from your friends and family in Christ?

Pastor and founder of Hungry Hearts Ministries, Jocelyn Andersen is the author of, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, For more information about all her books, visit her author page at amazon.com/author/jocelynandersen

Monday, December 18, 2017

Author
and former non-custodial mom, Waneta Dawn, wrote the comment below on
one of my blog posts. Any Christian who is interested in responding to
domestic abuse or domestic /violence compassionately and biblically,
needs a basic understanding of the family issues that could be involved.
Below, is a slightly edited version of Waneta's story. to read her
entire comment, go to the "GOOD MOTHERS DON'T LOSE CUSTODY," post on the
Dorcas Network blog:

Jocelyn,

Thank-you
for this opportunity to share some of the support needs a non-custodial
parent has. In my case, the judge awarded my daughter to her dad--the
man who abused me, and only allowed me every other week-end, 2 weeks in
the summer, and approximately 1/3 of holidays, although it was called
1/2. They didn't count minor holidays, and the court document frequently
allowed me to have her 4 days during the Christmas holidays, while
giving my ex the remaining 10 days. I was allowed one day every other
year at Thanksgiving, while my ex got the other day one year and both
days the next year. I was allowed no visitation on no-school days that
were not connected to a holiday. I was not allowed any mid-week
visitation, unless my ex chose to allow it. Far too often he would tell
us we could have a particular mid-week evening together, and then when I
went to pick her up, would deny us that time. We never knew if we would
actually get to have time together.

I
share these details so that you will understand how this impacts a
child of divorced parents going to sleep-overs, birthday parties, church
functions--especially all night ones.

If
the event occurred on my weekend, I often did not allow her to go, and
people did not support me in that, and pressured me to let her go to
their events. They did not seem to understand the yearning, the longing
in my heart to be with my daughter and to parent her (her dad chose a
"sugar-daddy combined with neglect" style of parenting, and I had a huge
responsibility to try to compensate so that my daughter could succeed
in school and in life. She needed MORE than those four days a month with
me, not less.

A
night of fun with friends cannot possibly make up for a lack of quality
parenting. May I comment here that I'm not sure why people seem
inclined to offer what appears to be genuine caring at special events,
but the rest of the time behave as if we are too undesirable to
socialize with. The double message is very confusing, and I'm more
inclined to believe the week-to-week message than the special occasion
one.

Even
if her dad had been the perfect father, I still would have wanted those
4 days a month with my child. (that's 26 fewer days than other parents
have with their children!)

I
understand most parents see their children every day, and may welcome
an evening of freedom from that responsibility. In my case, my daughter
desperately NEEDED me and I desperately needed and wanted time with her.
To deny her yet another day would have been neglectful and would have
suggested to her that I really didn't want her--a message her dad was
already telling her. To deal with this issue, I often asked to be
allowed to be present and/or to help out at birthday parties. If they
were all-night ones we often chose not to stay the night. In addition,
if my daughter went to a sleep over (even if I was present at the sleep
over) the next day she would spend a large portion of the time sleeping.
That meant I would essentially lose BOTH days of my weekend, and I may
not be allowed to see her or speak to her again for 12 long days. Her
dad often refused to allow telephone or any other contact between us,
too. This was so painful, for awhile I visited her at school when my
work permitted.

I
so appreciated the comment one woman made to me. I don't recall the
exact words, but I do recall the feeling of being 100% understood and
supported. She said she tried to imagine what it would be like to not be
allowed to be with her children, to be a part of their lives and parent
them every day, and that the thought was so horrid to her, she felt
sure she would be devastated and barely able to handle it if her
children were kept from her. It was very difficult to even think
about--the thought was so painful.

Another
place support is needed is when the single mom needs people to be open
with, people who will listen to her pain and grief and genuinely CARE. I
admit I'm a talker. I lived alone, I worked alone. I had no human being
to talk to most of the time. It was painful at church when people
wanted to limit our conversations to the 30 second variety of "hi, great
weather, bye." And then they went home to their husbands and children,
and I went home alone--again.

Suggestions
that I go to a counselor felt like a slap in the face. It felt like
they were saying I was unimportant, unwanted, that I needed to PAY
someone to take the time to listen to me, to share my pain. I did try
the counselor route, and it did not help. It only made the pain of my
loneliness and my longing for my daughter all the more raw. It
highlighted the lack of genuine caring of those around me.

Another
source of pain was that they never called me to ask how I was, how my
week was going. I had to call them. They usually talked to me, but also
excused themselves if their children came home from school, if their
husband was home from work, whatever. I finally understood that they
really did not want to talk to me, and I tried very hard to stop
calling, in spite of my huge need for emotional support. (When I didn't
get support for a week or so, I tended to get very stressed, which
resulted panic attacks.) No one called or made an effort to keep up the
relationship. I guess I was seen as too needy, perhaps as someone who
"sucked the life out of them."

I
started keeping my mouth shut. With God's help I carried the burden
alone, deciding it must be too much for people to handle. I thought
perhaps they wanted me to help them carry their burdens, even though I
was dealing with a super-full load of major trauma myself. But keeping
mum about my situation. Asking them about theirs didn't result in close
or long-term friendships, either.

Even
if I was successful at laying aside my own grief and pain, I still had
no trust-worthy spouse to consult about parenting, about my daughter's
needs. Although some women did listen to me, I often got the sense from
their suggestions that they didn't understand.

In
addition, my daughter needed one or two men to step forward and model
for her what a respectful, loving dad was like, but men (and their
wives) shied away from that, too. I didn't want to leave her alone with a
man, I just thought if perhaps a family would include the two of us in
their family time at least once a month, and allow my daughter to be
their daughter, too, that could meet her need to see real manhood in
action. But that didn't happen, either. It took a school teacher,
secular and bordering on atheist, to show her what a father-figure is
like.

I
lived like that for 8 years, trying different churches, looking for a
place to fit in, especially for the support my daughter needed.

When
she was nearly 15, my daughter came to live with me, but then went to
see her dad every other weekend. For a long time the pain of being
allowed to see her so seldom and never knowing if I could see her even
on court-mandated times, made me unwilling to part with her for sleep
overs, etc. Indeed, I had to parent very carefully, making sure I did
not demand too much, because that could send her back to living with her
dad. So my daughter has not been raised like your children have.

For
8 years she lived with a man who did not teach her discipline, yet
expected her to be able to handle adult skills. When she came to live
with me when she was in 9th grade, the focus for the first 4 years was
to help her develop the discipline, study and communication skills, to
succeed in school.

Now
that she's in college, that is still the focus. I can't expect her to
help around the house much, since school is hard for her--frequently
from her poor choices in time management--which is a throwback to her
days with her sugar-daddy. What I'm trying to say is that the traits you
don't like in children who are from single-parent homes, may not be
from the mother's inadequate parenting, or just because they are from a
"broken home." It may be because of the threats, nastiness, and traumas
the abuser in their lives continues to use to maintain power over his
ex-wife.

Asking
a non-custodial mom what you can do to help is key. Be willing to
discuss and help Mom figure out what she needs. Please, don't appear to
listen, but be mentally elsewhere. It is very frustrating to have to
repeat what you've said, yet to be blamed for your much speaking.

If
the Mother lost primary physical care and only sees her child(ren) a
limited number of days, don't pressure Mom to allow you to act as "big
brother" or "big sister" by taking the child to a movie or other fun
stuff so Mom has more time away from her child(ren). Neither Mom nor
children need more time away from one another. They have plenty of
apart-time as it is. Whatever you offer for the child(ren) offer to
include Mom, too.

~~

Closing comment from Jocelyn:

I have spoken with Waneta Dawn, and found she is delightful to visit with. On
the other hand, I have spoken with non-custodial moms who were so
traumatized by what was happening in their lives that we were
hard-pressed to carry on a coherent conversation. The first time that
happened, I just wanted to get off the phone and away from the
distraught woman on the other end of the line. I thought she was an
absolute nut case and in need of serious psychiatric help--which by that
time, she may have been. But it was in the midst of that first chaotic
conversation with a non-custodial parent, that the Holy Spirit quietly
spoke to my heart and said, "Listen."

So,
rather than finding a convenient excuse to hang up the phone--which was
exactly what I wanted to do--I listened. And in spite of the chaotic
words spilling from the non-custodial mother's mouth, I began to hear
her heart. And the heart I heard was full of pain and unspeakable
anguish.

Church,
we gotta step up to the plate. The Bible says we rejoice with those who
rejoice and we weep with those who weep. Sometimes all we can do is
weep with a brother or sister who has lost children to an unjust legal
system. Let's don't shy away from that privilege, but let's realize,
that sometimes we can do more.

Thank
you Waneta for being so transparent in telling your story, for giving
us a peek into a life most of us have no comprehension of, and most of
all, for suggesting ways we can get involved and truly help.

Pastor and founder of Hungry Hearts Ministries, Jocelyn Andersen is the author of, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, For more information about all her books, visit her author page at amazon.com/author/jocelynandersen

Friday, December 08, 2017

One protective battered mother wrote that she wanted the court to order
a mental health assessment for her abusive ex-husband. She believed
this would show that he needed help, and that he would be court-ordered
to get the help he needed. She naively believed the Judge would see that he was not safe for their
children to be alone with until he received help for his abusiveness.

But the court refused her request.

Unless things have changed, this was probably just as well, as it is a
sad fact that many batterers score within normal ranges on mental health
assessments, and judges know this.

This is but one of the symptoms of patriarchal influence that has
governed the laws and psychological "norms" of our culture.

Pray that this will change.

Unless another, more easily diagnosable problem exists, wife-beaters /abusive husbands almost always present normally, not only on
psychological assessments, but also to friends and co-workers. Knowing
someone for years, does not mean we really know them, and spouse
abusers are very good at hiding their abuse, isolating their victims, and even influencing
friends and acquaintances to suspect their wives may be liars or mentally
unstable.

Abusers are master manipulators of their self images.

Among other things (fear, economic and child custody concerns), often because
of loyalty, hope for things to get better, and also to avoid social
censure, abused Christian wives almost always collude with their abusers [at least for a while--sometimes for years] to hide what is
going on.

Only about 25% percent of abuse claims prove to be false, and this
usually happens in child custody disputes with the lying parent going to
the court with the fabrication--not to their pastor or friends.
Statistics show that fathers suing for custody are just as likely to
make false claims as mothers, so discounting the story of a woman who finally becomes desperate enough to escape her violent or abusive situation is not an option when dealing compassionately and biblically with the sin of domestic violence.

When she approaches her pastor, friend, or family member, seeking help, give her the benefit of the doubt--even if you know her husband, and the story seems unbelievable.

Pastor and founder of Hungry Hearts Ministries, Jocelyn Andersen is the author of, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, For more information about all her books, visit her author page at amazon.com/author/jocelynandersen

Saturday, December 02, 2017

Added this interview to Hungry Hearts Radio to play once every day. I don't know of another Christian Radio station that streams as many resources to help those trapped in abusive relationships or for those they are most likely to turn to for help (Heads-up, there is a glitch in the audio a few minutes into it, but hang on for a few moments. It corrects itself and comes back loud and clear for the rest of the interview [also, my apologies for the Geico ad--couldn't remove it).

Pastor and founder of Hungry Hearts Ministries, Jocelyn Andersen is the author of, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, For more information about all her books, visit her author page at amazon.com/author/jocelynandersen

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Proverbs
24:10-12 kjv says, If
you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. If you
neglect to deliver them that are drawn to their deaths, and those that
are ready to be slain; If you say, Behold, we knew it not; does not he
that knows the heart consider it? And he that holds your soul in his
power, does not he know it? And shall he not hold you accountable?

Women
die from domestic violence. Children handed over to abusers in
the name of "justice" are killed—and not just a few. Those who do not die
or suffer permanent physical injuries, carry internal scars that affect them for the rest of their lives. As humans and as Christians, this is our business! He who
searches the hearts tells us clearly that it is our business. It is also
part of the way that we, as Christians, respond compassionately,
effectively, and biblically to the sin and crime of domestic violence.
It is part of the way we obey the command of Christ to bear one another's burdens, and be light and salt
in our world. The Battered Mother's Custody Conference addresses what this writer calls a Family Court Holocaust. This issue has become an international crisis of battered women, abused children, and child custody litigation abuse. It is a secular conference with many suffering Christians in attendance. Our
churches are full of protective mothers as well. If pastors and leaders cannot or will not attend this annual conference, which provides an education [on this issue] that is available nowhere else, then finance the trip for financially overburdened protective parents, who
would otherwise be unable to attend a conference that puts practical
tools in their hands for going through the very expensive, completely
exhausting, legal nightmare of trying to protect their children.

You’ll
pray for them? That’s a good thing, a wonderful thing, now take
the next step and put hands, feet, and wings to your prayers, add
physical time, effort, and money to them. Hear the cry of one 2010
conference attendee’s daughters, who pleaded, “Mommy, fight for us. Do
something every day to try to get us back, and don’t ever stop.”

The
Battered Mothers Custody Conference is held every January, in Albany,
New York. Plan on attending next year’s conference and, if you can, help
send a protective parent as well.

Pastor and founder of Hungry Hearts Ministries, Jocelyn Andersen is the author of, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, For more information about all her books, visit her author page at amazon.com/author/jocelynandersen

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

If you are in danger, please use a safe
computer, or call 911, your local hotline, or the U.S. National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.

If
you do not have a working phone but have an old cell phone with no
service plan, do not discard it, It may still be used to call 911. Keep
the battery charged and keep it in a quickly accessible location. "Any
old, decommissioned cell phone can be used to make 911 calls, as long as
the battery is good. The
Federal Communications Commission requires all cell phone service
providers, like Sprint, AT&T, etc., to accept 911 calls
from any wireless phone" (
http://www.nytimes.com/2000/03/16/technology/old-cell-phones-can-still-call-911.html
).

Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips
to help keep you safe. Call 1-800-799-7233 to get help with
your safety plan, if you need to.

If you are in an abusive relationship, think about...

Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children.
Numbers to have are police, hotlines, friends, and local shelters.

Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to
call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have
children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can
use when you need help.

How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.

Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If
you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these
safer places.

Any weapons in the house? Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.

Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think
of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house -
taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put
together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below).
Hide it where it is easy for you to get.

Go over your safety plan often.

If you consider leaving your abuser, think about...

Four places you could go if you leave your home.

People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will
keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make
plans for your pets.

Getting a cell phone.

Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.

How you might leave. Start doing things that get you out of the
house (taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the
store).
Practice how you would leave.

How you could take your children with you safely. There are times
when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger.
You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.

Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get, or leave it with a friend.

If you have left your abuser, think about...

Getting a cell phone. At the very least, keep one that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you
need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.

Getting a Protective Order from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time.
Make copies and give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their
schools and your boss.

Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and
carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.

Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with
you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home
or children.

Telling people who take care of your children the names of people
who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a Protective Order protecting your
children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.

Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to
screen your calls. If you have a Protective Order that includes where you work,
consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser.
Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should
include going to and from work.

Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.

Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.

Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.

Going over your safety plan often.

WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives.
When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave
them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave.
Keep being careful even after you have left.

Pastor and founder of Hungry Hearts Ministries, Jocelyn Andersen is the author of, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, For more information about all her books, visit her author page at amazon.com/author/jocelynandersen

Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Battered Christian women are sometimes discouraged
from seeking orders of protection against abusive husbands, by being told that restraining orders are of little to no value as far as protection
goes.

While it is true, injunctions are often not helpful
in the immediate midst of an attack (unless the police just happen to already be there),
without a restraining order, the police will not answer a call for help until "after"
the physical attack has occurred—by which time the victim may not be able to
call for help at all, possibly being too severely injured or even dead.

With a protective order in place, potential
victims can call for help the moment they see the danger coming—before an attack takes place.

This, is the life-saving value of injunction.
It is protection by prevention.

So, if you are being threatened by a violent
spouse or significant other, do not listen to anyone who tries to discourage
you from protecting yourself. Get that Restraining Order, now!

Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, is for
anyone experiencing domestic violence or marital abuse. It is also for those they are
most likely to turn to for help—family, friends, pastors, etc.... The Christian
woman whose spirit is being crushed and life possibly endangered by domestic
violence is faced with a unique burden, and she needs straight answers—not
unrealistic expectations or clichéd, stereotypical platitudes. In this book,
she will get straight answers, clear scriptural direction, and some tough
challenges from one who has been there but is there no longer.

Pastor and founder of Hungry Hearts Ministries, Jocelyn Andersen is the author of, Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence, For more information about all her books, visit her author page at amazon.com/author/jocelynandersen