Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Mighty Aphrodite

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," all you hot honeys out there! Love is in the air! Breathe deep!

I'm your host today, Venus, Goddess of Love. You may know me as Aphrodite or even (tee hee) Eros. Am I not the hottest thing on two feet? And the guy who painted this picture wasn't even in my praise and worship team!

You might wonder what's happened to me since my family got marginalized in a hostile takeover.

Well, of course we took it hard. Especially us girls: Me, Mama, and Diana.

First of all, in this One God Group, there's not even a decent goddess we can invite over for cookies and gossip. Then, to make matters worse, it seems like the only kind of love this new team talks about is agape. And that's nice, as far as it goes. But face it, folks. It doesn't go far enough.

A whole Bible thousands of pages long, and the best you can do is throw in three or four pages about you-know-what? Inadequate. Totally.

I'll bet you agree with me.

Now here we are in modern times, and you humans have devised foolproof methods of contraception. And what do you do? You sign chastity pledges and fight about whether or not family planning should be taught in school! What an uptight bunch of primitives you are!

What, do you want to make your young people wait until their libidos dry up like my mama's has ...

Now. Where was I? All right. I, Venus, Goddess of Love, do not actively promote sex for young teenagers. Although it's been a given as long as anyone can remember. But when people get into their early twenties, that's no time to be panting and slobbering, fully clothed, while planning the $60,000 wedding! What if you love each other, but you just can't get the old spark lit? What if he's hiding a BIG SECRET ... let's just call it the Brokeback Mountain scenario.

You need to know this stuff before you say "I do, forever and ever and ever, amen."

So, in the words of my dear friend Marvin Gaye, "get it on."

This abstinence stuff is just plain tom foolishness. Kids pledge not to smoke and drink, too, and I don't see RJ Reynolds and Budweiser folding up.

There's always been room for hanky panky. When my family got ousted from godding, I just went undercover (tee hee).

Don't believe me? HAPPY ST. VALENTINE'S DAY!

Gather ye rosebuds while ye mayFor time it is a-flying.The selfsame rose that blooms todayTomorrow will be dying.

That's just beautiful, don't you think? What's better than making love? Why wait until your rose petals are drying at the edges? Tear up that stupid abstinence pledge, buy some protection, dust off that Marvin Gaye record, and live a little!