Tattoos and Mohawks [World Cup Round-up]

The 2014 World Cup was a good’un, there’s no doubt about that. There were plenty of talking points in the football and of course that famous Vampiric moment (…is that a word? I like it so I’m sticking with it) from a certain Uruguayan. Do you know what’s always worth keeping your eyes out for at World Cups though? Tattoos and Mohawks. It’s an assembly of the world’s greatest footballers and amongst them some of the worlds biggest show-offs, so there’s plenty to point and laugh at in the tattoos and haircuts stakes.

So who really got us interested with their follicle funkiness and ethereal etchings at the 2014 World Cup? Lets take a look.

Hair today, gone tomorrow?

5) Geoffroy Seri Die, Cote D’Ivoire

Despite his complete inability to spell ‘Geoffrey’ correctly (ahem! Come on fellow Geoff, what’s that about?) he pulled off a reet funky number. Sporting a kind of afro-mohawk, or afro-hawk if you will, died blond and running diagonally from the back over & across to the front he looked pretty cool, though equally it’s a look probably last seen on the younger brother of a crazed 9 year old who’s found mum’s clippers.

4) ‘Neymar’, Brazil

Neymar’s haircut was frankly nothing special, but I thought it warranted a mention simply because it looked less like a haircut and more like a hamster wig. Died blonde bits at the front all flattening down and brown tufts sticking up at the back probably caused by falling out of the hamster-wheel sideways. Maybe I’m getting old but… no, no it’s just a stupid looking haircut.

3) Kyle Beckerman, USA

The dreadzone! Now I don’t put Kyle in here to mock so much as to say: respect! Kyle had a proper natty set of dreadlocks going on. I have to wonder how on earth you can head a ball so well carrying that weight on the back of your head? Plus I’m not sure the refs would know what to do if he took somebody out with a whiplash of those locks. Forget biting someone’s shoulder Suarez grow your hair and take an eye out with a carefully timed shake of the head!

2) Stephen El Shaarawy, Italy

Mo’ hedgehog rather than mohawk, Stephen’s was another fin cutting across his head at a jaunty angle as if to say ‘a straight mohawk? Pah, that’s boring and conventional. I break the rules’. At about half the height of his head I’d say he deserves some respect without a doubt, and if Italy’s looking for a new economic direction perhaps production of hair-spray is the way to go because he probably uses a couple of cans a day keeping that peacock of a look up in position!

1) Rodrigo Palacio, Argentina

Well this had to get top spot in our haircuts run-down didn’t it? Because… well because hahahahah! Heeeheheehehehheeee! Look at the flippin’ awful off-centre ‘rats-tail’ he was wearing!!! Hoohoohoo, oh dear… sorry… I couldn’t contain myself. OK a minor confession to make, I once had a ‘rats-tail’. Yup. But I was an experimenting, misguided 13 year old and it was 1993. There is no excuse I’m afraid Rodrigo. It’s as much a stylish flourish as, well as the tail of a rat is. It’s terrible. Cut it off. Look, all the viewers have been laughing at you. Rightly.

Tattoo’s who

5) Daniel Agger, Denmark

Agger earns a mention partly because he does have some great ‘ink’, as the kids call it, and because it’s worth mentioning that he’s actually a trained tattoo artist. He’s given in to the temptation of having a rather pretentious Latin wording for one of them though, which reads

Mors certo – hora incerto

..meaning death is certain, the hour is uncertain… which either means he’s in front of a speeding train but he’s left his watch at home or means the time of ones death is uncertain… which to be honest isn’t technically true in the case of some deaths, and it’s an utterly meaningless statement in my view. But annnnyway some goof tattooing Mr. Tattooey footballer Daniel Agger.

4) Mario Balotelli, Italy

Balotelli didn’t actually have all that many tat’s on him at Brazil 2014, but he did have one that says an awful lot about him, which reads:

“I am the punishment of God. If you had not committed great sin, God would not have sent A punishment like me upon you.”

…soooo, that’s nice. They’re apparently the words of Genghis Khan, and he got the tattoo done to celebrate scoring his first goal in the Premier League in 2012. He’s a crazy kid.

3) Raul Meireles, Portugal

Raul’s tattoos caught the eye because his entire right leg is covered in them! What’s more there are a bunch of tourist sights on there including a red telephone box, Istanbul’s ‘Blue Mosque’, a cable car (presumably one in his home town Porto) and the baroque ‘Torre dos Clerigos’ church (also found in Porto). Who needs a postcard? Just send your friends & family Raul Meireles in the post. Rumour has it he’s holidaying at Eurodisney next year so look out for a giant Mickey Mouse on his left-leg soon…maybe.

2) Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal

I don’t much like Ronaldo (aside form his being an amazing footballer) but he gets a mention not for having a tattoo but for not having any tattoos whatsoever. Surprising for an international superstar footballer? A little, but the reason it seems is because he regularly donates blood and having a tattoo would mean he’d be unable to give blood for at least 4 months if not much longer. Good on you Ronaldo, I like you a whole lot more for that… though you’re still a diving cheat.

1) Neymar, Brazil

And finally, top spot goes to Neymar simply because one of his tattoos so very closely ties to a major story of Brazil 2014, his fractured vertebrae which forced his early retirement from the tournament. His very visible neck tattoo, again pretentiously in Latin, reads:

“Tudo Passa”

…loosely meaning “Nothing lasts”, or in sentiment “be the moment good or bad remember that it will soon be gone”. For Neymar that was his World Cup, over too soon. And perhaps the sentiment applies to the World Cup in general, enjoy it because before you know it it’s over… until the next one. Viva The World Cup! [No pretentious Latin here!]Photo by Eduardo Pavon