Rant - My dog the nihilist

My dog believes in nothing. I can't get him to wake up in the mornings to go for a walk. I thought dogs liked walks? My dog is a hound, a fairly active breed. Yet morning noon night getting him to go for so much as a lap is impossible.

I tried to lure him outside with the promise of foods. First I tried using turkey. No dice. Dog's too goddamn good for my lunch meat, I though. Tried again with some ham. Same reaction - none. I tried to lure him outside with a hamburger, a whole fricking hamburger. Nothing. I thought he may be a vegetarian so I tried some hummus and a slice of peach. I may as well have just thrown the food out it didn't get a rise out of him.

The little fucker would rather sleep under the coffee table.

I began to think he had a secret spot in my apartment where he was crapping and pissing. I looked high and low, couldn't find a damn thing. Only one small lazy dog sleeping (well, I wouldn't call it sleeping since his eyes are open) under the coffee table. No piss stains (no caperting here), no odors, no mystery piles of love. I figured, well, he isn't eating or drinking...

People come and go. Sometimes he'll cock his head up from wherever he may be lounging, but that's about it.

I thought he was depressed. One day I was coming home from work and he was laying like a dead rat in the window looking at me with a face that screamed 'so this is what it sounds like when the doves cry' which creeped the hell out of me. I took him to the vet and when I walked in his first words were "it doesn't look like I can do anything for your pet." I answered "I thought they had dog prozac?" His response was "oh, I thought he was dead." I put him on the prozac but all it did was level out his highs and lows, which meant he no longer cocked his head ever when people enter/exit my apartment and he sits under the table instead of laying under it. The anti-depressant experiment ended after three weeks.

On the rare occassion, he'll pretend he has an injured paw. Two separate trips to the vet revealed he was faking it, probably to get out of doing dog stuff, like go for walks and play and try to eat human food.

I throw toys around for him to fetch. Every dog of his breed will play this game all day if you let them. Not mine. After a few minutes I realize I'm playing fetch with myself and I'll stop. I thought "touche dog, you have outsmarted me and it is I that am the bitch". Then he ran full speed towards the sliding glass door to my patio, smashed into it, and I figured 'nope, not smarter than me'.

I've tried socializing him around other animals. Male and female. He just stands there like "what the fuck I'm supposed to say how high when you say jump dickbreath? Why don't I put you in a room of sexual deviants with ADHD who think nothin of licking your balls and tell you to start running." Playtime never really took off like I'd hoped it would. Useless dog hasn't even gotten me a date.

I'm not sure if my dog likes anything. People like him, but he likes nothing. My only reasonable assumption is my dog knows English, and has at some point read my philosophy books when I'm at work, and realized

a) if there is a god, he's dead
b) people only do things to avoid being fucked by others
c) we're enslaved in a capitalist society
d) he may never get to heaven
e) bush's "tax cuts" mean he'll be eating his cousins for breakfast lunch and dinner in a couple years when his owner falls prey to the AMT

he may as well say 'fuck it, i'm under the coffee table, I don't believe in none of your stupid shit. wake me when i'm dead'