Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Just when I think I am "making" it, I have a setback. Usually I can figure out what "triggers" it. Right now, it's my birthday. Tomorrow. Last birthday with Melissa, we went shopping. Me, Melissa and Mere. Kohls. She wasn't feeling good THEN. She would sit down every couple of minutes, out of breath. In August. I was looking at jewelry and saw a ring (costume jewelry of course!) that looked like an engagement ring. She asked me if I liked it. I said yes, so she said "I'll buy it for your for your birthday, but you know we'll be engaged". And I have worn it ever since. My last birthday gift from her.

I haven't been able to sleep lately. Actually, I cry myself to sleep...usually 3 am before I finally drift off. You see, the grieving process is NEVER ending. Especially when you lose a child. So when I was reading the Compassionate Friends page yesterday and I came across GRIEF IS... I had to share it. It really explains not just what I am going through, but what a lot of bereaved parents are going through. As always, it's one day at a time (some days one MOMENT at a time...)

***

Grief is:Swollen eyes,confusing,feeling of no connection to anything,good times can make you feel guilty,isolated,ashamed,migraines,no energy,loss of interest,feeling fear constantly,racing thoughts,an internal sadness,desperation,overwhelming fear that you will lose another,feeling of all your dreams are over,a feeling of I should not feel good or have any pleasure since my loved one can’t, happy one minute in complete desperation the next,a desire to die to be reunited with our loved ones.So when you ask me how I feel? I am unable to tell you all this…..Its hard to describe something when you are full of all this.So,I thought I would write you to let you know,it’s not you.I’m just grieving.Thanks for all you’re support.Please give me some time, how long I’m not sure.My heart is broken and my life is upside down.I hope you can understand,if not,that makes me sad.I have already lost enough,I don’t want to lose you…..Angie Cartwright.***While I have been struggling to get through the last few days...Andrew and Max have been keeping me PLENTY busy on Mondays and Tuesdays. Yesterday I went to their house first thing in the morning. They played in their new sandbox, rode their new bikes, played some hoops on their new basketball hoop and a little t-ball on their new t-ball set, then met PopPop for lunch at McDonalds. Today we went to the Air Force Museum, visited all three hangers and had a picnic lunch outside the museum. They were both sound asleep when we got home. The good thing is, I have lots of fun things planned for Mondays and Tuesdays. Like Field Trips with Pamma, every time we're together. Fun for all of us. And of course, I will close with photos of Andrew & Max. Fort wouldn't have it any other way...

Max with his new T-ball stuff...

Max and GG (Great Grandma Fortener) and his new Thomas blanket (made by GG)

Drew with HIS blanket from GG

New bikes

The BIRTHDAY BOY...Maxwell Irvin "3"

New sandbox....

Lunch at McDonald's with PopPop and Pamma

Max with the astronaut @ AF Museum

Pilot

Co-pilot

....WORN OUT!

...with new book on "Airplanes" FIRMLY in his hands! ~~~~If you haven't been there, and you are ever in Dayton, be sure to visit the Air Force Museum...it is one of the very few FREE museums you can see. Definitely worth your time. Have a good one...

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

...and we WON. League AND tournament! Sponsored the last two years by Angie's Firehouse Tavern, this year we were in the over 35 league. I KNOW Melissa would be so proud. I think she was amazed that I was still playing at 50. (that was the year I tore my hamstring, last game of the season against the BEST team in the league. Thought I could beat out the throw to first from the best shortstop in the league...NOT. I didn't, took a HUGE stride to beat out the throw and tore the hamstring, fell to the ground in a heap. The other team thought I hit my head, so someone on their team called the squad. Donny yelled "She's fine. Get her off the field." ME. His wife. Get her off the field. Really? Nick AND Melissa were BOTH at the game (Melissa had a treatment the next morning and was spending the night.) They ended up sitting in the emergency room with me (after following me in the ambulance to the hospital). I thought I might have broken some ribs I hit the ground so hard. The doctor in the ER actually told me "you are too old to be playing softball." I don't know how to say this and be nice, but she was probably over 300 lbs....I wanted to say to her "and you're too *** to be a doctor." But I didn't. Why would you tell someone who is still ACTIVE to stop being active?????? Donny, Melissa and Nick ALL gave me a hard time, but NEVER told me to stop playing. So I showed her...six years later and I'm STILL playing. Kind of. Me and Susie (one of our pitchers) will never let the team forfeit. I did play in a few games this summer. Not a great game for me tonight (0-3), but not too bad at first (for the two innings I played). I'll do the same thing next year if Donny coaches.

So, summer is officially over. Softball season is over and school has started...without me. Making lists of lots of things I need to get done around the house. It's hard to change things from the way they were when Melissa was here. I know she would approve, but it's comforting to have things JUST the way they were when SHE was here. One thing at a time....one day at a time.

Drew and Max - getting ready for a visit to their new preschool

Me & Mike Fink - good friend from high school in for reunion

Coach Fortener with trophy, and the 2012 Angie's Firehouse team -
League Champions AND Tournament Champions!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I think we have an idea
what Melissa is enjoying in heaven…we had a piece of it on our recent
vacation.We went on our first cruise
with one of Donny’s fraternity brothers and his wife (Curt“Mange” and Mary Clifford).Haven’t

Seen them but once a
year at Homecoming at Wilmington…until last year.

Their daughter,
Courtney, died of ovarian cancer a year ago February.She was 27.Too young too.We have a lot in
common.

Actually, our daughters
had a lot in common too.Both very outgoing,
athletic, energetic and competitive.Always played (or fought) to win.

They were GREAT
travelling companions (I hope they felt the same way about us!)

My favorite – Half Moon
Cay.I am not an ocean swimmer.I’m an ocean wader.Ankle deep.Don’t like swimming where there are fish bigger than me that might want
me for lunch. At Half Moon Cay, I felt like I was swimming in a POOL!The water was beautiful.Did a little snorkeling there too.We were in the water with Mange and Mary and
I said “I think we have

An idea what Melissa
and Courtney get in heaven.Only they
get it EVERY day.Forever.

I can honestly say that
this was the first time in three years that I didn’t think of anything for an
entire week.We had fun every day.Seven days.

It CAN happen.And the nice thing?We could talk about our daughters

As much as we
wanted.And we did.But we got to know EACH OTHER too.

Funny story.What we found out was Mary and Donny are a
lot alike.Both organizers.Both keep very busy all the time.The first morning at breakfast in the dining
room, Donny & Mary BOTH brought the itinerary for the day (they put an
itinerary for the day under your cabin door every morning).As they were reading over the itinerary, they
both got excited about a meeting in the Paladium (theatre) at 9:45 – it was all
about all the activities for the day.They
thought we really needed to go to the meeting…

Mange said “I’d rather
go to the bar”.I said “I’d rather go to
the casino.”

So it was decided that
Donny and Mary would go to the meeting and plan our day.As we were returning to our rooms, Mary
turned around and said

“What time did you want
to meet me in the shower?”Needless to
say, we all stopped in our tracks, looked at Mary with our mouthes dropping –
What the…?????And laughed until our
stomachs hurt.One of those “why did I
say that” moments.

It was a great start to
a great week.And it got better every
day.

I can honestly say that
I didn’t think that a week like that would ever happen again.

What I know is that
while I will never stop missing Melissa, EVER, and the pain of not having her
here will never go away, I know that there will be good days woven into the bad
days.Sometimes bad moments woven into
good moments.

The timing of this
vacation was perfect.With the approach
of fall, which Melissa LOVED LOVED LOVED, I have a little ache in my heart when
the leaves start changing.It’s painful
knowing that we will never share the beauty of a fall day again in my
lifetime.Rugby matches, football games,
Halloween.Fall walks.I love the fall too…but with the arrival of
fall, the holidays are not far behind.I’m pretty sure that Nov/Dec/Jan will never be the same for me.Donny and I will celebrate Thanksgiving and
Christmas with Nick, Mere and the boys
in some way…because we are making memories for our grandsons.And I want them to be happy memories.But those three months bring back some very
painful memories.No matter how hard you
try,

Every day, really
beginning with October 19, JP’s birthday, brings back a memory.Flashbacks.So I do as much as I can do, but it isn’t much.

I’m thinking about
maybe doing Christmas cards this year…but even thinking about it is hard.Really.Will just have to wait and see how I’m feeling then.

On the Compassionate
Friends page on Facebook, they posted a comment from a newly bereaved mom.She is wondering if she will ever “get
better”.Over 200 responses from people
who have lost a child or children…and one really hit home with me.Her daughter died 28 years ago.She said “in the beginning I had a hard time
just getting out of bed…after a while, I realized that all I had to do was deal
with each day, one day at a time.I
couldn’t face a lifetime without her”….wow.That is exactly how I feel… I can’t face a lifetime without her…so I
will take ONE DAY at a TIME.And get
through each day the best I can (until I see her again!)…that doesn’t make a
lifetime seem so overwhelming…sometimes I might even get through more than ONE
day.A little slice of heaven is good
for the soul…especially whena piece of
your heart is missing…

And HERE is a little slice
of heaven…

After dinner drinks...lemoncello...yum!

Heaven...on the beach

Disembarking...onto Grand Turk Island

My masseuse, Megan, who I found out lived in Centerville (a few miles from Kettering!)

Nope, this is not a pool...the beach at Half Moon Cay. Heaven.

Mange and Mary with our waiter Oneisimo (from Honduras)

In the disco for 1972 night (the 3 1972 graduates)...we were the only ones there...funny!

Now the Marriott on Ft. Lauderdale beach. Formerly...I can't remember. But it is the same hotel we stayed in with the kids in the summer of 1982. Donny worked for NCR at the time and had to go to Ft. Lauderdale on business. Instead of flying, he decided that he would take all of us and we would drive to Florida. He had never been there, and was VERY excited to see the ocean for the first time. At the time, we had a Fairmont station wagon. Silver woody wagon (if you are as old as we are, you know what a woody wagon is)...NO air conditioning. in the 60s and 70s, not all cars had AC.

So we are driving to Florida, and Donny decides that we can drive straight through. He wants to GET THERE. Fort Lauderdale. That is a 19-23 hour drive straight through.

With a 3 year old and a 1 year old....When I took over the driving, I told him we WERE stopping to spend the night some where. The kids needed to sleep AND needed baths.

So we stopped at the King Frog Hotel in Georgia. I think you can still find it on I-75. We got there around midnight, Donny called for a wake up call at 4 am. Really. He wanted to get back on the road ASAP. So the kids got a bath, and about 4 hours of sleep. Good enough for Donny. Of course we couldn't stop for breakfast because we had donuts in the car, they could eat those. About the time we got on the Florida turnpike, Nick started looking a little green. He was sitting on my lap, cuddling and gurgling....and he threw up. All over me. All of our luggage was packed on top of the car. All I had IN the car was an extra pair of jeans. Long jeans. And we were headed for Ft. Lauderdale...in JULY. We pulled off the road, I changed clothes on the side of the road, put the puked on clothes in a bag and put on jeans. With no AC in the car...

No one was happier to get to the hotel in Ft. Laud than ME.

We had an awesome room with a view of the ocean. Donny was working every day, I was at the pool every day with the kids. With two adorable towheads, I had no trouble making friends at the pool... two couples - one from Pittsburg, one couple from England, AND the pool boy who sold suntan lotion by the pool. Heaven. During that week, the aircraft carrier INDEPENDENCE was in port in Ft. Lauderdale. It was anchored about 3 miles out on the beach. The two couples I met invited me and kids to go out and tour the aircraft carrier. All we needed was a sailor to give us a pass, which we had no problem finding. They thought we could get there on a helicopter, which would have been awesome, but instead we went over on a Liberty boat. Standing only.

With a one year old and a three year old. But I did have four people to help me. It was incredible. Unfortunately Melissa and Nick were too young to remember, except for the photos I took. I remember though.

That trip ended up being a TWO week vacation because Donny had to work there an extra week. A great vacation for a family with no money to take their kids on a vacation!

The kids remember I KNOW because we talked about this vacation so much when they were little. The vacation they remember was our 3 1/2 week trip out west. Driving.

But that's ANOTHER post.

And of course, a little Drew and Max are good for the soul too....

Andrew

Max

Retirement begins next Monday. Teachers go back the 13th. I will go to the breakfast,

they will go to their buildings after breakfast...I will do whatever I feel like doing...for the first time in 26 years. It feels good.

If you have kids going back to school, remember that those kids (1, 2, 3 or however many are driving you crazy at the end of the summer) are going back to a classroom with 20-25 (or more) kids...just like YOUR kids. You had a couple to deal with, teachers have 10 times that...remember that when you think teachers have a cushy job.

OH...and one more thing. I was on the softball team again this year. Only played if we didn't have enough players...our team will never forfeit a game because we don't have enough players!

They did need me last week, so I played. First base. (When you are married to the coach, you get to play any position you want. First base is the only position I can play).

So fast forward to the bottom of the sixth. We are ahead, 8-0. I get my first hit of the game (I was 1 for 3). Two batters later, I am on third base. Donny is coaching first base. Two outs.

Here is how Donny coaches ME at third base. "You really look good. You have nice legs. etc etc"...he forgets to tell me that I can't step on home plate.

So I don't just STEP on home plate when the next girl up gets a GREAT hit...I JUMP on home plate with BOTH feet. The umpire yells "OUT". Donny looks at him and yells "WHO IS OUT??? They didn't even make the play at first!" He looks at Donny (we know the umpire) and he says "Pam is out. She stepped on home plate."

Fortunately the team we were playing did not have a good last inning, and we won the game. Actually, won the league. And if we win again next Tuesday, we win the tournament too...no thanks to me.... (but I AM still playing at 56...something to be said for THAT)...

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About Me

I changed the look again. Moving furniture takes too much effort. This seemed to fill that void. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fall and havent decided if Ill ever change this, although, a new seasonal header seems like fun. At the moment the summer is winding down, Im back on chemo for my fantastic THIRD relapse (and hopefully the last!), work knows my situation so Im not sneaking off on my lunch break to get blood work done, and everyones been great. Desperately seeking great health by the time fall rolls around. Theres way too much goin on.