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No, we’re not dead. School has finally let out for the year. A year of graduate school ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at. That also means that we have more time to brainstorm and be funny – which is good news for you.

See, this site needs some TLC and we’re going to try to give it to you. We’re going to try to make May a good, strong month for once.

Or we may just get drunk and pass out.

Play the odds and come back each day to see if we’re doing well or if we’re shirking our duties. (Hint: probably the latter but you never know!)

Don’t give up on us yet. We’re not a long-distance relationship and being cheated on, you know.

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I’m sure you’re anxious to know where this has gone. Truthfully, it’s just been not as much of a priority. I have graduate school work that is piling on, I am in the process of publishing my first novel, and being funny is just…difficult as of right now, even just at once a month.

So, here’s the dilly-o. Dan Eats Cat Food will be ‘publish as publish can’ for the foreseeable future. That may mean there are multiple entries in a month. That may mean that there are none for three months. I just don’t know.

I still love this site and what it’s been for me these past…many years. But it’s not fair to just let it sit without giving SOME kind of update for the few people that still read it. So that’s where we’re at.

It’s not a hiatus – because those are effectively quitting without saying so. It’s not even a postponement. It’s just readjusting the volume of the site. Who knows? It could always change.

Until next entry, stay so fresh, so clean.

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Forgive us for the length of time between articles. SOMEone decided that he had to finish and publish one of the finest books ever written. (Robocopter Ski Patrol, on sale next month through CreateSpace and Amazon – TELL YOUR FRIENDS) and thus this poor site has to take a hit. Never fear, though. We’re still going to continue the tradition we have of liveblogging the Oscars, even though this year is going to suck because of the host…and the pageantry…and, really everything. Why are we doing this again? Also, we’ll be getting drunk so this may go off the rails later on.
——
7:03: I guess it’s time to do the red carpet. Why does Kristen Chenowith look like Gollum? She’s usually pretty hot. Maybe it’s the hairstyle. And Halle Berry is apparently channeling the 1980s. I have it on mute so I don’t really know.

7:05: Lord, Adele looks a lot like my ex. This is not a pleasant realization. Time for more goddamn beer! Wait. Great googly moogly, Stacy Keibler. Holy crap. Like a tall, super-sexy sequin.

7:07: What is it with the silver glittery look tonight? Not that it’s a bad one by any means but it’s strange to see such similarity. Unless, of course, we’re talking about Michael Bay movies OH THAT’S RIGHT I JUST WENT THERE.

7:08: So is there a procedure for if one of the vote guys gets taken out? Are the votes halved or…what? Commercial!

7:14: On second thought, it looks like Chenowith’s weird look is because of anorexia. I’m seeing neck muscles that are never seen normally.

7:15: Not sure who the lovely lady is with Jamie Foxx (were I to unmute the TV, I may know) but DA-YUM.

7:16: So which character is Daniel Day-Lewis playing now? An Oscar-nommed actor? Good choice!

7:21: Neil Meron looks terrifying. Like…”I could buy and sell your life to whomever I wanted and you couldn’t do a dang thing about it” terrifying.

7:25: Queen Latifah TOWERS over Chenowith. Is she really that big or small, respectively?

7:28: Red Widow looks stupid as hell. There’s a reason I don’t watch ABC like…ever. Just a special level of crap-ass writing, I think.

7:30: Time to start. Let’s see how awful MacFarlane is. THANK YOU RDJ for not applauding! Love him more now.

7:32: Nice little burn on Ben Affleck there.

7:33: This kind of seems like a bad standup right now. He’s nervous. And reading cue cards.

7:34: Not going to lie. I really laughed at the Chris Brown joke.

7:36: What…in the hell…? Shatner as Capt. Kirk? This is…odd.

7:38: Also not going to lie…the “We Saw Your Boobs” song is actually pretty clever. I’m sadly a little impressed.

7:39: Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron out and dancing to MacFarlane singing. Interesting. They sure can dance though. Or have been trained in doing so at least. “The Way You Look Tonight”. Not a bad song at all.

7:41: Sock puppet thing not quite as funny. They can’t all winners. Which is also the theme of the night. Badumtisch.

7:45: Another weird sketch, this time with Sally Field. They are all over the place tonight.

7:47: They really need to fix the music balancing issue. It drowns out most of the vocals. Maybe that’s just on my end though.

7:48: Olivia whoever out now. Best Supporting Actor and the nominees are: Alan Arkin, Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tommy Lee Jones, and Christoph Waltz. And the winner is…Christoph Waltz. I think that may have been a surprise but I absolutely love it. He was phenomenal in Django. One of my favorite Tarantino characters ever. Super classy of him to give his respect to the other nominees.

7:52: Commercial-time. ‘nother beer, barkeep!

7:55: Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd out on-stage now. Kind of a little awkward. Anyways. Best Short Film, Animated and the nominees are: Adam and Dog, Fresh Guacamole, Head Over Heels, Paperman, and The Simpsons: The Longest Daycare. And the winner is…Paperman. No big shocker there. It was absolutely beautiful. I saw it online and was blown away. I was calling either that or the Simpsons one, which was also very well done. You could see the joy on his face when he mentioned his wife. That was great.

7:59: Best Animated Feature and the nominees are: Brave, Frankenweenie, ParaNorman, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, and Wreck-It Ralph. And the winner is…Brave. Also no shocker here. And the dude is coming out in a kilt! Major props to him. I definitely respect the balls that takes.

8:00: Reese Witherspoon now. My brother must be popping one in his pants right now. Presenting the Les Mis Best Picture along with Life of Pi and Beasts of the Southern Wild. I never got to see Les Mis. I really wish I had. Mainly because just hearing the music even now is giving me the shivers. I absolutely adore that musical. The other two are…meh-looking.

8:05: Even HE was a little ashamed about the crack on Clooney. Hahaha. Bringing out The Avengers cast now. Fantastic. No ScarJo though, which is a little surprising. What are they presenting? They are ripping badly on Jackson and Downey. Love it. Best Cinematography and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting choice. The guy looks like an aging hair metal star. He also may be high.

8:08: The Avengers still on-stage. Love it. Best Visual Effects and the nominees are: The Avengers, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Life of Pi, Prometheus, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Man. That’s doing really well. It must be an absolutely beautiful movie, I suppose. Had to be better than The Hulk for Ang Lee. The guy really should have shut the fuck up earlier on though. Man.

8:12: Commercial. Whew. My fingers are getting a workout.

8:16: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston. She looks stunning in the red dress. Still hot, even at 40 something. I think she just implied that she did Brazilian. Best Costume Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Les Misérables, Lincoln, Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and the Huntsman. And the winner is…Anna Karenina. Good on her. It must have been a lot of work since, you know, Russian royalty times. She made up for the over-run though. Short and to the point. Good for her.

8:19: Any of these would be awesome. Best Makeup and Hairstyling and the nominees are: Hitchcock, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, and Les Misérables. And the winner is…Les Miserables. It makes a lot of sense. French Revolution and all that tends to be pretty in-depth. Oh, that’s her scarf! I thought she was wearing a jacket because she was cold. I guess I just don’t understand fashion.

8:21: Halle Berry out to the Bond music for the 50 Years of Bond tribute. Fifty years. That is INCREDIBLE. It’s even more incredible if you’ve never seen one of them. This tribute is freaking slick though. It just reminds me of how much I love the entire franchise.

8:25: Who is this? Oh, Shirley Bassey! It’s the woman who sang Goldfinger. She still has her pipes though. WOW. She started out a little rough but CRUSHED it. Commercials!

8:31: Just recognizing the producers and director. Cool. Next up, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx. Very nice. She’s looking beautiful. Best Short Film, Live Action and the nominees are: Asad, Buzkashi Boys, Curfew, Death of a Shadow, and Henry. And the winner is…Curfew. I knew nothing about any of these but that one looked suitably ominous in the fifteen seconds or so of footage they showed here. Nice, quick, and classy. I like that guy.

8:35: Best Documentary, Short Subject and the nominees are: Inocente, Kings Point, Mondays at Racine, Open Heart, and Redemption. And the winner is…Innocente. Again, I know nothing about it but it sounded foreign so I was taking a shot that it might win? Maybe? Annnnnd the guy goes a little political. Okay.

8:37: Liam Neeson! I love this man. He is such a badass. He wins everything. All the awards. More Best Picture recaps. Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. Of course Neeson did the political/thriller ones.

8:41: WOW. I really love that Booth joke – “the actor that got the most inside Lincoln’s head was Booth”. It’s so wrong but I love it. I also approve of playing off the teleprompter ad lib. Also an amazing woman joke – “the innate ability of women to never let anything go”. Love it.

8:43: Affleck up on stage now. He definitely didn’t seem to like the jokes at his expense. Best Documentary, Feature and the nominees are: 5 Broken Cameras, The Gatekeepers, How to Survive a Plague, The Invisible War, and Searching for Sugar Man. And the winner is…Searching for Sugar Man. I’m actually a bit surprised. I would have thought that the AIDS one would win. Because AIDS ALWAYS wins. Both at the Oscars and in real life.

8:46: Commercial time.

8:48: Local commercials, are always so freaking bad.

8:49: Now up we have Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain. Gotta love me some redhead. Wow. Not going to be a whole lot of humor with these two though. Best Foreign Language Film and the nominees are: Amour, War Witch, No, A Royal Affair, and Kon-Tiki. And the winner is…Amour. Oh gee, I wonder who would have not expected that one since it’s up for an actual Best Feature award. Come on. Take away the drama, huh? I kind of wish that Haneke would Funny Games his speech. That would be be awesome and terrifying.

8:52: Good on the orchestra but they are so freaking loud to the point where they are drowning out people.

8:53: John Travolta. Interesting choice. No Vic Vega hair. Sadly. Now a celebration of movie musicals. This could be pretty awesome. Ah, Chicago. I actually like it a lot more than I did in high school. I also think I may have hated it because the show choir was so fucking obsessed with it. Oh man. Catherine Zeta-Jones. I hate Michael Douglas just…on principle. Now Dreamgirls, apparently. Jennifer Hudson – also hot with a great voice, but in a different way from CZJ. Just as good though. Aww, it’s the original song from Les Mis. Sad. I was hoping for One Day More. WAIT! IT IS ONE DAY MORE! GOOSEBUMPS. The dude playing Marius sounds like a frog, though. Anyways, hit it, Enjolras! Good. God. Fuck. Yes. That was incredible.

9:05: Commercial and I kind of need it.

9:08: Now up we have Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana. She’s fine as fine can be as always. Ah yeah, it’s the Sci/Tech Awards recognition. I totally respect that. They deserve an incredible amount of respect. Not just as “nerds”, James Franco, you stoner asshole.

9:10: Awesome, Mark Wahlberg is out…the Ted thing is a little weird though. Is that CGI? I think that’s incredible actually. Best Sound Mixing and the nominees are: Argo, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Les Miserables. Awesome. I really think I need to see it now. Markie Mark looked a little pissed to be out there with CGI though.

9:13: Best Sound Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Skyfall, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…A TIE?! Has that ever happened?! Zero Dark Thirty (the guy kind of sounds like he’s high but maybe he’s just Scandanavian) and SKyfall. That was pretty deserved too. They both were, actually, I assume. I’m also a little biased towards Skyfall but hell, an Oscar is an Oscar. Is there a requirement for sound guys to have long flowing locks?

9:18: Who’s up next? This could be bad…and is absolutely seeming that way. Yep. Awful, awful bit. Awful. Anyways, Christopher Plummer is out now. Legend in the house. He’s got the shakes a little. That’s troubling. Best Supporting Actress and the nominees are: Amy Adams, Sally Field, Anne Hathaway, Helen Hunt, and Jacki Weaver. And the winner is…Anne Hathaway. I’m not joking that I typed her name in without bothering to check the others. That was about as much of a gimmie as there was tonight. Good on her and her erect nipples. I mean, singing voice. Common mistake, that.

9:24: Commercial time. Beer time. I’m feeling the wearing down now.

9:29: Academy President. He looks almost exactly what I would have expected him to look like. Wow. Academy Museum huh? That sounds pretty damn cool. I don’t really care about the college kids helping out though. Except for Jennifer. She is freaking SMOKIN’.

9:31: Next up is Sandra Bullock. She should be pretty funny. Maybe? Best Editing and the nominees are: Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Never saw it but I heard it was amazing. Hey, a guy without massively long hair! Short and silver. Classy.

9:34: Jennifer Lawrence is out with a massive freaking dress. Performing is Adele. It’s a decent song but I really don’t want to look at her. Not because she’s not beautiful but…yeah. Mentioned it earlier. I’m just going to listen instead. It’s a nice song and she does it beautifully but…anyways, more beer?

9:39: Commercials. And beer!

9:43: Nicole Kidman and her android face is out to talk about Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour. And Tarantino looks so displeased with her. But that’s kind of his default setting, I think.

9:47: Kristen Stewart and Daniel Radcliffe. One of a great franchise, one of the spawn of Satan. Still hot though. I’m pretty sure she’s super drunk though. But she was in Twilight, so who wouldn’t be? Best Production Design and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, and Lincoln. And the winner is…Lincoln. Interesting. That’s not what I was expecting. I’m not sure what I WAS but it wasn’t that. It looks really pretty though so…maybe I’m just wrong.

9:57: Clooney is out here now. Let’s see how smug he can get. Oh wait. In Memorium…never mind. I know Michael Clarke Duncan is on there. Ernest Borgnine was first. Sad. I miss that old dude already. Marvin Hamlish was the last one. Interesting. That’s not who I would have pegged there but God bless him. You could do better than Streisand as the singer though. She kind of looks like the Wicked Witch of the West if she was an albino. And yes, I know that this won’t be a popular opinion.

10:04: Fade to black and commercials.

10:05: 10th anniversary of Chicago. Wow. I didn’t know that. Bringing the cast out. All of them looking super as well. Best Original Score and the nominees are: Anna Karenina, Argo, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Skyfall. And the winner is…Life of Pi. Interesting. I kind of figured though. It had a more international feel to it when looking at those quick footage trailers. I’m sure it’s deserved though. Again, I wouldn’t know. I was kind of a lazy-ass this year when it came to movies.

10:12: This one is going to be no surprise either. Calling it right now. Gonna have to just listen to the screen again. The dress that Norah Jones is wearing is not flattering at all though. She’s a pretty lady. Not a lampshade. Anyways, I was saying. Best Original Song and the nominees are: Chasing Ice (“Before My Time”), Les Misérables (“Suddenly”), Life of Pi (“Pi’s Lullaby”), Skyfall (“Skyfall”), and Ted (“Everybody Needs a Best Friend”). And the winner is…Skyfall. To the surprise of nobody. It’s not even my favorite Bond song. Ah well.

10:18: Commercial time again. They’re hitting it about even fifteen minutes at this point.

10:22: Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron. Interesting combination. She is so much taller than him! And she looks super hot no matter what her hair length is. Good Lord. One of the prettiest women in the world. Best Adapted Screenplay and the nominees are: Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Life of Pi, Lincoln, and Silver Linings Playbook. And the winner is…Argo. Thank God. I was just hoping it wasn’t Kushner (Lincoln). I still loathe him for Angels in America, which killed my joy in theatre for three years.

10:25: Best Original Screenplay and the nominees are: Amour, Django Unchained, Flight, Moonrise Kingdom, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Django Unchained. REALLY. Wow, that is awesome! And we get to hear Tarantino talk! Man, I really love this award. He’s one of my heroes. Almost stunned Jamie Foxx into nothingness with his arrogance. Love Tarantino. SO much.

10:28: Commercials again.

10:30: ….what in the living hell was that Gray Poupon commercial? Did anyone else just see that?

10:32: Directing up next. Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas. Maybe she can keep her bitch mouth shut long enough to honor this category. Best Director and the nominees are: Michael Haneke, Ang Lee, David O. Russell, Steven Spielberg, and Benh Zeitlin. And the winner is…Ang Lee. That’s a shocker. The dude has come a long way from The Hulk, which was basically unforgivable. I’m sure he earned it though.

10:37: Commercials. Now we’re getting to the heavy hitters.

10:38: I don’t get that lingerie commercial but I don’t care. Yum.

10:40: Jean Dujardin on stage now. Just a cool dude. Please anyone but the kid. Best Actress and the nominees are: Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Emmanuelle Riva, Quvenzhané Wallis, and Naomi Watts. And the winner is…Jennifer Lawrence. Good. I’m really glad to hear that one. And she TRIPPED. Oh no. But that big-ass dress is what did it. She just seems like a fun person that happens to be a great actress, not the other way around.

10:45: Meryl Streep up now. Man. He was right about no introduction. Probably going to be Daniel Day-Lewis because, you know, method acting. Best Actor and the nominees are: Bradley Cooper, Daniel Day-Lewis, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin Phoenix, and Denzel Washington. And the winner is…Daniel Day-Lewis. Not a surprise. That guy goes so far into his role that he…he’s basically a chameleon in all the best ways. And he’s definitely just an ACTOR. Not someone who publicizes himself. But he does deadpan funny really well. I really like him.

10:51: Here we go. Big time. JACK NICHOLSON. Oh goddamnit. The fucking First Lady? Really? Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. They would never have done this with ANY other First Lady and she’s no fucking better. This actually upsets me. Keep entertainment and politics separate. Just shut the fuck up already. Best Picture and the nominees are: Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Misérables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Zero Dark Thirty. And the winner is…Argo. Good on Ben Affleck and the entire cast on crew. It just got a little ruined letting the fucking First Lady announce it. God damn. At least the guy in the middle got a nice good laugh. He’s a pretty confident guy. I like him. Affleck is pretty manic right now. I’m thinking part nerves and part cocaine. Maybe 2/3 cocaine.

11:00: Ready for a proper goodnight and it was a decent show. Daniel Day-Lewis won the night by being freaking charming. The night was really spoiled by the First Lady. And of course it’s a singing closer with MacFarlane and Chenowith. I gotta give it to him. Seth MacFarlane did a pretty capable job. Certainly better than James fucking Franco.

Anyways, thanks for reading. We promise that something funnier will be coming up next! Time to drink more!

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While we have covered the nightmarish morass known as online dating before, it appears that many have not understood the depths of insanity that it can provide. It seems that some of you do not truly grasp how depraved, soulless, and Lovecraftian it can be. Thus, we have resolved ourselves to creating out of the swirling blackness an example so dark, so evil, so terrifying…that it can only serve to illuminate the horror that is online dating. A word of warning, if we may. This projection is (God willing) not real, but it shall be constructed so that it appears as such. If you are offended by such a frank portrayal of madness, be warned. If you are offended by many of the stereotypes presented therein…go fuck yourself with a splintery Louisville Slugger. Thank you. We begin anon.
——
xxxSeXXXiiBaBiii6969xxx

(insert picture of the most grotesque figure of ostensible womanhood your fevered mind can dredge up)

i m righit now livin wit my ma and gma bcuz my exhusband is an ASSHOLE WHO CANT HANDLE A WOMMAN!!!

im goin thru a divroce right now bcuz my ASSHOLE ex beat me up alot and tried to kill me in June
he lockd me in a fridgerator and set it on fire but i made it thru with Gods grace and a halffull jar of mayo!!!

i got 4 kids who r my everything, they r my whole life n my world and you had better handle it
theyre names r Caidyn whose 7, Lexxxuss whose 5, T’Qua’Sia whose 4, an Joseph whos my pride n joy and is 2
funny story! Joseph won stop breastfeedin! he keeps pullin on ma tittles and tryin to get other girls titties too even tho i tell him that hes a bad boy for doing it but i cant stay mad athim becuase he is my pride an joy!!!!

fair warninr ! i m an pre op transexual so if u cant handle that, fuk right off!!! i havent felt lik a womman since i wuz a lil gurl so now that i got $$$$ comin in fromy my ASSSSSSHOLE ex for child support (only 2 are his LOL!!!) i kan finally be who i need 2 be!!!

4 stuff i lik 2 red, well i don lik 2 red it iz a waist of mi time! but the onlee things i DO read and luv SOOOOO much r Twilight an 50 Shads of Gray!!! edward an Christan are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot!!! y cant more men b lik them?! m i rite girls?!!!!???!?!? lol

i luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvvvv Jersey Shore n Real Housewives tho! i luv seein the girls be so bad bitchez bcuz i m a bad bitch an can totally feel that!!!

wen will i find mi prince charming? i think bout dat all da time an how i kan find luve 4 him an how much i ned a daddy 4 mi kidz

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First off, Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Eid/non-denominational holiday/atheistic irritation day to all our readers. We appreciate your support, especially in light of our not writing for shit this year. Hopefully next year will be more funny and less, you know, angsty/drinky/depression and anxiety…y. Anyways, since 2012 is almost over, for good or for ill, we figured we’d give you one last hurrah before the new year dawns in the middle of the night. Now, parties are always fun, but you may get stuck playing board games. That’s okay, though. We’re going to offer you some adult alternatives to classic board games so that you can spice up the mood of the room. As always, all of these games can be improved by drinking but that just goes without saying.
——Monopoly: Collaborate in secret with the other players to perform a daring heist of the bank. At a given time, jump the banker and tie him or her up with rope and duct tape. Clean out the vault and spend an agonizingly long time deciding whether or not to kill the banker since they have seen your faces. Be serious and talk to the point where they don’t think that you are joking anymore. End up in a Mexican standoff and then say “fuck it” and go grab a couple Coronas. Start a new game.

Clue: Treat the game like an actual murder has taken place. Dust for prints, seal off the area, interview witnesses. Have one player come in as CSI to search for DNA evidence and have another player act as CIA and take over jurisdiction, angering all the other blue-collar players who want this case to make their careers. Go behind the CIAs back to find a critical piece of evidence (e.g. the candlestick) still dripping with the victim’s blood. Turn on each other as you realize that the killer is one of you. Trust is broken forever.

Risk: Build alliances covertly with every player and then implement nuclear warfare through Kamchatka. Nuke the fuck out of Africa and go middle fingers all over. Strategy be damned. Turn the world into a parking lot. Glass the fuckers. Risk always ends in fistfights anyways. Why not make them deserved?

Candy Land: Rename the various characters into wars. Queen Frostine is Grenada – quick and easy to get out of. King Kandy is WW2 – if you reach that point, you’re one of the baddest people in the game. Gramma Nutt is Iraq – it’ll take a while to get out but you can make progress towards it. And that motherfucker Plumpy is Vietnam – easy to get caught up in, impossible to get out of, and when it happens, it just ends up with Jane Fonda pissing on your face. Wait, I’m not sure I did that last one right.

LIFE: It’s a deadly serious game. The inevitable slog towards the grave lined with the stones of mounting debt, alcoholism, adultery, children, divorce, dating, depression, and suicide. The game of Life indeed. Nobody makes it out alive. If you really want to go dark, go with Russian Roulette as the spinner. Drive your fancy car to work, players. Your wife is now a lesbian.

Connect 4: You make four yellow or red coin-things in a row. You can’t adult it up. Oh! Okay. You put your penis through the hole and await the falling of the pain rings.

Operation: Create a fun little ambiance to it. Dim the lights, put on the sound of loud beeping. Monitor the patient’s condition. Have alarms going off and nurses/other players screaming. You’re not performing a real operation just trying to pull out some stupid plastic bone or whatever. You’re performing a real operation when touching the sides gets you sprayed in the face with pig’s blood. Don’t ask me where you can find pig’s blood. That’s your job.

Sorry: Real men don’t apologize. You knock someone back a few spaces, you give them the finger and tell them to suck a cock, asshole. Play to win. Ain’t nobody wanting you to be British or Canadian polite, move them back, and buy them a drink. What are you, some kind of blustery axe wound? Motherfuckers go down. Throw their piece at the wall. You are King Dick. Act like it.

Chutes and Ladders: I…don’t know how to make this one adult. Something about the ladder and chutes being sex? Shut up. I’m drunk.

Yahtzee: Treat it like a real game. Place bets. Get into fights. If you roll two ones, curse the skies about getting snake eyes. Go way over the top with competitiveness. Break a bottle and use it to menace a five-year old. You don’t care. You’re playing Yahtzee. All bets are off.

Mousetrap: Use actual mice. Just capture some and paint them primary colors. That can’t possibly traumatize little children. And hey, even if it does, you can chalk it up to a learning experience. Win win!

Twister: If you haven’t already tried to use this while drunk for some cheap sex, you are a fucking failure.

Perfection You’re an Asian child and you’re in high school. Instead of putting pieces into holes in rapid succession, you are fighting tooth and nail with other teens for valedictorian. You succeed but get to college and suck off the entire Phi Beta Chi fraternity while on a copious amount of cocaine. Perfection.

Don’t Wake Daddy: Have sex while playing. That adds an extra element of danger to the whole thing and the anticipation factor will keep you going to the point where when Daddy wakes up…well, you know. I’m talking about orgasm. For both of you, ideally. Don’t be selfish.

Trouble: Shoot a cop before playing this. That will add a darker tone to this as well as an added edge of danger. Plus you’re “GET TIN’ INTO TROUBLE!”, you dicks.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: Taunt those who lose for being anorexic. Tease them into tearful acceptance of any kind of offering of sex. No better way to enter the new year than to be inside a girl with low self-esteem! Da DA da da da DA.

Guess Who: Turn off all the lights and get naked. Instead of picking which one has a beard or which one has glasses, go by who you can feel. Does this person have pierced nipples? Does this person have a rigid cock? Does this person have scars all over their sexy torso? Guess with yo’ mouth!

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We’re doing the penis name thing again. This one always seems to get some nice traffic and anything original is damn sure not in the pipeline quite yet. Blame grad school, heavy drinking, sexual frustration, and working on an actual for-publication book. Yay for being twenty-six!
——
If you engage in non-consensual sex and/or if no woman will touch you, name it Dr. No. This one is basically a gimmie here. Plus it’s a good warning for anyone. It’d be like calling your dick The Hungerer or 23-Skidoo. It’s basically like painting it bright red and giving it an alarm system.

If you prefer to cyber/text/email/Skype/letter/horsedrawn carriage in a long-distance sexfest, name it From Russia with Love. Also be prepared to have anything and everything you send used against you if you want to go into a political career. Hope you like your cock on the New York Post front page!

If you like to diddle rich cougars in the back of their Escalades, name it Goldfinger. If you’re good, she may even give you an Oddjob in return. No, I don’t know what that is, but no, I’m not proud of that joke either.

If you insist on only having sex in the middle of a lightning storm (inside or out, doesn’t matter), name it Thunderball. This may also apply if you bangarang the chick so hard that you’re making loud clapping noises, like some BBW kind of porno.

If you fire away and then come back for a second round (but only a second round), name it You Only Live Twice. There…wasn’t a whole lot of funny ore to be mind out of this one. I have the sinking feeling that that may apply for a lot of these. Stupid!

If you are banging Kate Middleton on the side, first off let me congratulate your spectacular assholery but also, name it On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Seriously, though. If you are doing that, you are a champion.

If you are fucking one of multiple different porn stars that use precious stones as either a first or last stage name, name it Diamonds Are Forever. Also, get yourself checked out. That syphilis scare ain’t no joke.

If at any point you have had sex to the musical stylings of Paul McCartney, name it Live and Let Die. This could also apply if you were having sex on the edge of a cliff and, at the point of climax, your partner pulled off and rolled off the edge into oblivion but she was still hanging on by the tips of her fingers but you orgasmed and let her drop to her death. Maybe not in that order. That’s an oddly specific kink though.

If you have ever roleplayed as Christopher Lee, complete with extremely uncomfortable spousal abuse, name it The Man with the Golden Gun. Also, if you’ve ever involved a midget in your sexplay. That works too.

If you…I don’t know. Wait! If you’ve done the dirty with Anna Chapman, name it The Spy Who Loved Me. Saved by a hot redhead! First time I’ve ever said that…or written it.

If you’re super into spanking, name it Moonraker. Get it? It’s a vocabulary joke. It also applies if you put it in her dumper.

If you are involved with a chick who is really, really against the idea of any sort of sexual exhibitionism, name it For Your Eyes Only. You should also consider discussing your relationship and what sort of sexual experimentation you both would be comfortable with in order to strengthen your lives.

If you…you know what? No. This is too freaking obvious. You make your own joke for this one when you name it Octopussy.

If you get off watching snuff films, you sick fuck, name it A View to a Kill. This also counts if you produce what is widely considered to be the worst sex possible within the context of movies. Also if you’re Christopher Walken, in which case, welcome to the site, Mr. Walken! I love your work.

If you wreck a girl so hard that she’s dazed and confused and not really sure where she’s at, first off, congrats, and second off, name it The Living Daylights. You might also want to check her for bruising or tearing or maybe even a concussion. That’s probably not healthy.

If you…are James Bond? I guess? Name it Licence to Kill. This one also makes it impossible to create a filthy ambiguity to it. Thanks a whole lot, MGM or whatever. Oh! If you’re a two-shot Scott (or Timothy, I guess) and can only do it twice with a chick before you pass her off to another, more handsome, and younger dude. Also name it that then.

If you’re into peeing on a girl’s face (also sick fuck), then you pretty much have to name it GoldenEye. Gross. More like “pinkeye in a day or two”. Maximum. You probably won’t be able to look at her in the eye for a while either. That’s a dark step.

If you fantasize about Teri Hatcher and then about Teri Hatcher being dead, name it Tomorrow Never Dies . Also if newspapers turn you on for some reason. I’m not sure what kind of philia that is and I’m not sure I want to know.

If you’re down for a little erotic asphyxiation, name it The World Is Not Enough. This only makes sense if you’ve seen the movie and if you have, you’ll find this apropos. It also applies if you’ve rubbed one out to Denise Richards, but let’s be honest, that covers like 3/4 of all mankind – past and present.

If you prefer to engage in delayed orgasm techniques, name it Die Another Day. See, because orgasm in French is “le petit mort” or “the Little Death” so if you ‘die’ another day, you’re cumming…later. You know what, I just murdered this joke. Moving on.

If you like being tied to a chair and having your nuts pounded with a length of knotted rope, you’re probably sterile by now. Also, name it Casino Royale.

If you fuck the pain away, just like Peaches, name it Quantum of Solace. It also works if you had a weird fetish for motor oil and fire.

If you come back after what some previous people called a weak sex and absolutely blow their minds, name it Skyfall

Now that those titles are done, it’s on to characters and such!

If you’re always full of surprises and like bringing new toys into the equation, name it Q.

If you love having sex and just don’t even care too much about the condition it is (quantity over quality), name it Pussy Galore.

If you have it bad for this one particular person but never manage to get quite close enough to seal the deal, name it Moneypenny. And God have mercy on your poor sex life.

If you just want a hilarious name, name it Albert R. Broccoli. You could do something here about it being green but…blech.

If you’ve got a Louisville Slugger swinging down by your knees, name it Plenty O’Toole. Heh. Tool.

Finally, if you’re just going to be a bragging asshole, call it what it is and name it Mr. Big.
——(We would like to stress that we don’t suggest any of these names for real, especially not the more distasteful ones. – ed.)

Halloween is a time for ghosts and ghouls, goblins and…um…gallavanting? I’m not sure where I was going with that. But the point is that it’s one of the most fun holidays of the year, particularly when you’re in college and drunk and all around you are just masses of dancing, writhing, walking slut-costumes. You could practically walk around a college frat party with your dick jutting proudly out like a royal sceptre and trip and fall into sex. You know…if you were so inclined.

But Halloween isn’t just for obscene amounts of alcohol consumption and promiscuity in the bathroom of a frat house with a ballerina. It’s also about the children. NOT making the children. The actual little crotch-spawns running around being all cute. But Halloween is different now than when old men like me were walking around in the cuteness. No, it has a…darker edge to it. Why don’t we just compare Halloween traditions from back when we were children to the way they are now, hm? Well…we’re going to do it anyways.
——Party Games
Then: Remember all the games that you would play at your school Halloween parties? You know, games like the spaghetti being brains and peeled grapes being eyeballs, bobbing for apples, cake walks…um…knife throwing. Maybe? The point is that they were all fun and could even be a little spooky. Which is nice.

Now: Yeah, spaghetti and grapes? Fuck that noise. When you put your hand into the bag and feel something cold and slimy and gross and you giggle because it’s fun to be grossed out but then you peer into the bag and, hey guess what, it’s actually a HUMAN BRAIN…welcome really fast to adulthood, kiddies.

Recess
Then: Hide and seek and tag and football with miniaturized sports stars and witches and the occasional Scream-face guy for those kids whose parents just didn’t really give a shit about them – you know the kid, the one that was allowed to watch any movie he wanted on TV, even the stuff on the dirty channels, so you went over to his house on weekends so you could glimpse just the occasional, first confusing attraction to softcore porno – all laughing and enjoying the cool, even cold, autumn air as the last vestiges of warmth are drawn away from the earth.

Now: Grim, silent plotting as the rival gangs of Princesses, Rap Stars, and Poor Kids divvy up the playground area into territories, laying down boundaries with Pixy Sticks and the corpses of kindergartners, clad in Power Rangers costumes, who ventured too far away from the safe area right next to the school. The further out the playground extends, the more lawless it becomes. The Outland is ruled by fifth-graders, surly and experimenting with the stolen bottle of apple schnapps one stole from his dad’s liquor cabinet. That way lies death for trespassers.

Costumes
Then: Adorable for girls, monstrous for boys. You would have pretty princesses, cute witches, little bunnies or puppies, fairies, and other forest creatures. You would have devils and knights and ghosts and spiders and that same weird kid with the Scream-mask and a muffled voice. It was tame.

Abuses
Then: Urban legends about razor blades shoved into apples or pixie sticks laced with poison. Parental caution to burgeon childhood fears just enough to make sure that the children remain safe and lusting over the chocolate until they can get home and have their parents check to make sure everything is safe (while taking their ten percent candy tax, the lazy criminal fucks).

Now: A child puts his hand into a candy bowl. Boom. Three days later they find his Master Chief helmet on the side of a highway in New Mexico, his head still in the helmet, the body about a mile away, raped and mutilated beyond recognition. Do not choose “trick”, kids. Don’t ever choose “trick”.

Trick or Treating
Then: Going door to door, knocking on the houses that have lights on. A kindly elderly couple answers the door and coos and gushes over how cute you are or how fearsome you are (depending on girl or boy). Then they would hand you a few pieces of bite-sized candy, you would thank them, and you’d be on your way. You would repeat this a few dozen times or more, depending on the size of your neighborhood. Your parents would be back on the street, keeping a watchful eye…or they would be drunk as a lord, depending on how long a day your dad had at work.

Now: Your parents carry you up to the door, knock sharply and, when the neighbor comes out, holds out the bucket, tells you to say trick or treat, then demands they drop it in and close the door. Halfway down the sidewalk, they start crying and hold you tight, commenting on how close they were to losing you and how much they hate this night. That’s when you smell the vodka on Daddy’s breath.

Scary Stories
Then: The hook in the car door. The lipstick message on the mirror. The ghostly passenger in the car. The monster in the woods. The weird neighbor next door. The disappearing naughty children. You know, all the crap that’s scary when you’re little but makes you laugh now. Like Large Marge. Okay, maybe not that because I still piss myself every time I hear that name.

Now: Student loans coming due. Mommy and Daddy are taking a break from each other. The babysitter with the roaming hands. The gym teacher that plays Tickle Monster at Penn State. The neighbor that you think is scary as hell because he’s quiet and bearded but then you find out he’s alright because he knocks out two home invaders that are going to cut you apart but then, oh wait, he fucks you and buries you in a shallow grave anyways. Womp womp.

Decorations
Then: Fake spider webs all over. Cute and funny (to old people) posters and cutout witches and Frankenstein’s monsters and vampires. Maybe a skull or two. The pumpkin out front, obviously. Maybe those fake gravestones and some spooky lighting if they’re a fucking overachiever, CATHY.

Now: The neighbor that, upon finding his wife cheating on him with his business partner, his son having sex with the left tackle of the football team, his daughter fucking the rest of the offensive line, his job being eliminated due to “cutbacks in fuck you, you’re fired”, his Nissan Sentra having been egged with the tires slashed, windows broken, and CD player stolen, and his dog dead of choking on a squirrel, hangs himself from the big fir tree in his front yard the afternoon of Halloween.

Now: All of them are penises, except for Other Dad, who makes the clown face still…just with a penis in its mouth. And Dad’s in his. Womp womp again.

Parade/March
Then: A joyous celebration of the Halloween spirit. All the kids at school would dress up in their best costumes and dance and cheer their way down Main Street. Parents and volunteers would toss candy at them, trying to reach their plastic pumpkin buckets. That one poor opportunistic kid acting as a street sweeper and grabbing ALL the candy that doesn’t quite make it to the buckets, biting the parents that try to get him to share.

Now: Seven hundred painted Jokers, Hulks, and Ice Queens marching in silent, determined, perfect lockstep down a barren Main Street, the joy of the holiday being lost as the inexorable Bataan Death March to oblivion commences with the size 7 children’s boots tramping down the faces of those volunteers pleading for mercy, though mercy will not come.
——(Holy. Shit. THIS was a little dark, wouldn’t you say? – ed.)

Maybe.

(And what’s with all the child abuse jokes this time? – ed.)

What do you expect? It’s Halloween!

(Good point. – ed.)

Happy Halloween everyone! May your night be warm, your skies be clear, and may you not experience a naked dude coming to the door holding a bottle of whiskey and a ragged, sexually violated clown puppet!