Reality TV to let me sleep at night: Are we there yet?

Martha Stewart has announced the theme song to her upcoming "Apprentice" spinoff on NBC. This is not to be confused with her catchphrase, which remains a heavily hyped mystery that keeps me up nights. Yes, nights. Plural.

Like the theme of Donald Trump's show — "Money money money mooon-eeey, money!" — Martha's version has lyrics that are "perfect for her," according to "Apprentice" producer Mark Burnett. The song is "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics. I love that song, and now it's ruined. But more relevant, the lyrics include: "Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you / Some of them want to abuse you / Some of them want to be abused. "Hmmm, interesting choice. If I were going to be a contestant on that show, I would be afraid. Very afraid.

Elsewhere, "American Idol" judge Randy Jackson and "So You Think You Can Dance" host Lauren Sanchez are reportedly in talks to team up for a "Regis and Kelly"-type morning talk show in 2006. I have a better idea: "Live with Whitney & Bobby." Tell me that would not be ratings gold. It was a sad day when "Being Bobby Brown" ended. It's not right and it's not OK.

Moving on ... CBS has announced the teams that will compete on its upcoming "The Amazing Race: Family Edition" (premieres 9 p.m. Sept. 27, KIRO). I'm totally against children being on reality TV, and in some cases, children in general. The second I hear, "Dad, are we there yet?" it's over.

And now for the week in review:

"Rock Star: INXS"

People always e-mail me asking why I don't watch this show. Well, for starters, it's on three times a week. I can't commit. But for an update, let's go to rabid fan/chief correspondent Steve Howard in TV Addict's Madrona bureau: "There is one chick named Jordis. ... She's got dreads but she's kind of hot. And when she sings, it's like the passion explodes out of her face. I'm rooting for her to lose though because I think her career as her own artist would rock. I mean, INXS isn't like the Stones. They had a couple of really good albums and then nothing. The show is good [expletive]." Steve! This is a family newspaper!! You're fired. (10 p.m. Tuesdays and 9 p.m. Wednesdays, KIRO; 8 p.m. Sundays, VH1)

"Taradise"

Tara Reid on terrorism: "If all the mean people want to be mean to each other, [they should] buy a country together and just blow each other up. ... Like, don't kill innocent people for no reason. It's not fair." [Crickets.] Five minutes later: "I. Need. Booty." Annnd she's back. (10 p.m. Wednesdays, E!)

"Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List"

Kathy gets a red-carpet gig at the Grammys for E! "I was going to try to lose 10 pounds in five days, but then I saw these mini-tacos at the grocery store." I've totally been on that diet. The mini-taco one, I mean. It doesn't really work. (10 p.m. Wednesdays, Bravo)

"The Girls Next Door"

Bridget buys a puppy because it looks like her cat. "I tried from the time [the cat] was a little baby to get her to walk on a leash and she was not having it. I've learned after I've had her for eight years now that she's never going to act like a dog, so I want the next best thing, which is a dog that looks like her." Really? It took eight years to figure that out? People like Bridget should not be allowed to have pets. (9 p.m. Sundays, E!)

Whether Noah Blake said, "We murdered" or "We murdered you guys," I just don't think the son of Robert Blake should be throwing the word "murder" around. Am I right or am I right? (10 p.m. Sundays, E!)