Thursday, September 6, 2012

Excuse Me, May I Cut in Line?

Whatever you called it, anyone who ever went to a form of
organized school and/or kickball game knows systems like this are necessary to
propel to the front of any type of line. With a new year of school now in
session for just about everyone, BreakMentalDown has decided to take a look at
some of the technological advances that have revolutionized this time-saving
concept.

We’re sending our own Kevin Nelson undercover to Walt
Whitman High School in Bethesda, MD to find out the latest in line cutting
trends. And if this “Never Been Kissed” sort of set up results in him ending up
with “Alias” star Michael Vartan, all the better.

Here’s Kevin.

When I first showed up at Walt Whitman High School, I didn’t
know what to think. I knew kids were going to be cutting in line, I mean that’s
the most efficient way to score countless Cups of Dirt or Tuna Surprise, but
how they accomplished it surprised me.

Back in my elementary school days, a couple of the very
progressive line cutters came up with the concept of “heads for heads.” This
isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, basically the administration outlawed
giving either heads or tails, but people could circumvent this system by giving
“heads for heads.” The budder would have a compatriot in line who would offer them
heads if the budder then gave heads back. It basically worked out as giving
tails, but the two wrongs make a right principle allowed it to be all good and
legal.

Artist's conception of Kevin standing in line, since of course,Kevin did not actually sneak into any high school.

Apparently two wrongs don’t make a right, as this system of
line cutting prompted many glares when I tried attempting it. At least I assume
that’s what the glares were from, not from the fact that a 28-year-old hard
horned in on prime high school mating season.

And speaking of high school mating season, this is actually
how the system of “heads for heads” works nowadays, except they dropped one of
the s’s in that statement, and it is as dirty as you’d think it is.

Another thing we never had when I was in grade school, or
even high school for that matter was smart phones. Let me tell you, this is a
total game changer for the entire industry. No longer must children focus on
ways to get to the front of the line one person at a time, they can take out
entire swathes of line with a simple call to the fire department or sexting a
pic of Mrs. Anderson, the mousy librarian who apparently has a wild side. The
rotary phones of my youth stared in wonder at this technological advance.

As I went deeper and deeper into the seamy underbelly of
line cutting, I found out even as everything is changing, the more they stay
the same. Wanting to get to the front of the line, I pulled out one of my
classic statements from my HS playbook.

“Oh my god, they put raisins in our Jell-o cups!” I shouted.
Wave after wave of children stormed out of line when I let out this vile
tidbit.

As I said, as things change, they stay the same. And I know
I can use this in my adult-world life. While I have absolutely no interest in
getting the iPhone 5 when it comes out on September 21, I do look forward to
using my line cutting skills and being the first person to not buy one in line
at an AT&T store, because really, who would want a cell phone with raisins
in it?