American Festival To Ban Plastic Straws – Guns Still OK

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An American festival has announced that plastic straws will be completely banned from its site in 2019, however, guns will still be permitted.

Organisers of the unnamed Texas festival have confirmed that guns will be openly encouraged at next year’s festival in an attempt to ensure the safety of everyone in attendance.

“We’ve made two major changes to our policies for next year,” claimed one festival spokesperson. “One, which we are really, really proud of, will see the carrying of concealed weapons encouraged, and we’re also banning plastic straws, which will be good for the environment, or something.”

“We really care about the safety of our patrons,” continued the festival employee. “So, by encouraging everyone to bring their guns and keep them tucked away out of sight, but still having them easily accessible, we’re hoping to improve safety for everyone at the festival by somewhere in the regions of seven hundred and fifty percent.”

“Having as many guns on site as possible, will limit the number of potential terrorist attacks on site,” our source continued. “In previous years, when we haven’t had such a relaxed gun policy, we haven’t actually had any terrorist attacks either but, you know what they say, terrorists hate freedom and festival, and we’re serving up a nice juicy portion of freedom pie topped with a healthy dollop of festival frosting, so it’s definitely better to be safe than sorry.”

According to one local mentally-unstable-gun-nut, the festival will provide the perfect opportunity to find out how easy it is to conceal his brand new M16.

“You just never know how visible an assault rifle is going to be under your coat until you actually take it out into the public,” he told us. “Usually, it causes panic and you end up getting arrested but it should be just fine here. I’m gonna make sure everyone is really safe at this festival.”