Financial Services Employee Who Inserted His DNA Into A Co-Workers Water Bottle Gets Jail Time

If you’ve been wondering lately whether or not you’d actually go to jail for putting semen- your own or otherwise- into the water bottle of an unsuspecting coworker, but felt weird about asking and didn’t want to arouse suspicion, wonder no longer. Remember Michael Kevin Lallana? Name not ringing a bell? Okay try this: remember the Northwestern Mutual Investment Services employee who last January allegedly somehow got his jizz in a bottle, left it on a colleague’s desk where she drank it, got sick, and threw it out? And then a couple months later, allegedly released more “material” in the same lady’s drink, which she again drank, but this time paused to ask herself, “Am I crazy, or does this water have semen in it,” before sending it off to a lab to verify her suspicions, as well as performing a blind taste test at home using a sample obtained from her fiancee? He pleaded guilty in February and was sentenced last week to time in jail, among other things.

Michael Kevin Lallana, 32, was sentenced Friday to six months in jail and three years’ probation for twice depositing his semen into a co-worker’s water bottle, which she later drank from. Lallana was also ordered by the court to register as a sex offender, according to the Orange County District Attorney’s office.

If you’re thinking maybe the “I just wanted her to like me but I was scared to talk to her” defense will get you off, think again.

Prosecutors said Lallana committed the crime for sexual gratification. “He admitted that he was attracted to her, and that it was something about her lips having touched the water bottle that turned him on,” Deputy Dist. Atty. Brock Zimmon said…His attorneys argued he did not commit criminal battery because there was no application of force, Zimmon said. They also contended Lallana was driven by “narcissistic personality disorder,” not sexual purposes, Zimmon said. “Their excuse was that he just did this because he was immature,” Zimmon said.

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Coming to a theater near you! You’ll laugh. you’ll cry…you’ll now know why! A musical extravaganza only real life could write! The singing, the dancing, the jerking!! Ripped from today’s headlines: “A Taste of Conflict”….Starring Peter North as “Michael Lallana”, Lynn Tilton as “the affected co-worker”, Dealbreaker’s “Confused Commenter” as the co-worker’s boyfriend in a sordid tale of the human cost of spurned affection. Watch as the big screen reveals emotions jerked in different directions as the ocean spray of affection is tested in the most intimate way the screen allows!

Over the past ten years, I’d applied to work at Northwestern Mutual, a they would never hire me. I thought it was my age or working poor background. It seems that I’m just not spunky enough for that company’s culture.

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