EARTH – Humanity celebrated the 46th annual Earth Day this year, wholly unaware that it would be the planet’s last. As revelers cheered on climate change legislation and rode their bikes to work, they remained blissfully unaware that Earth would not be celebrating a 47th Earth Day next year. “It’s simply a matter of probability,” alien lord Drexnum said from a spaceship hurtling toward Earth at...

PAINESVILLE, Ohio – The forests and woods around Painesville will be getting a breath of fresh air today, as the town’s coal fueled power plant followed up its generous Earth Day donation with another 10,000 tons of carbon dioxide to celebrate Arbor Day. “We value our local environment,” said plant manager Brant Hughes. “And we know trees just love our 100% recycled CO2.” Hughes then concluded by...