A Bedford police officer's assumption set TMZ's heart momentarily aflutter with the possibility that Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds had been married in secret somewhere in upstate New York, probably by a druid in a ceremony deep in the Catskills. Reynolds filed a complaint last Sunday that a photographer was creeping around the home he and Lively retreat to for their super-secret sexcations. The officer responsible for filling out the necessary paperwork listed Lively as Reynolds' "wife," though this was of course a clerical mistake born out of the laziness. The effort required to write "illicit, sin-living paramour" is just waaaay too onerous. The couple isn't married, but this is the kind of snafu that can come from making wild, baseless assumptions, such as that Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are actually noted aliens Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise wearing new human suits in order to appear young and hide the fact that they're still a couple. [TMZ]

Meanwhile, Suri Cruise has been ferried from a wacky contemporary religion to a wacky old religion — the 6-year-old has reportedly been enrolled in Manhattan's super-prestigious Convent of the Sacred Heart school, which of course comes with the First Communion promise of Sunday snack time. [E!]

23-year-old Alex Vega, whom you might know either as a veteran of Spy Kids or as Kevin O'Shea's adorable youngest daughter in Little Giants, has divorced her 36-year-old husband after less than two years of marriage. The couple had been separated since March. [TMZ]

Bona fide Orange County housewife Vicki Gunvalson scored a really big house in her recent divorce. It has a waterfall pool and everything. [TMZ]

Now for news of successful famous romances (or a successful famous romance) — Mandy Moore has insinuated that she will collaborate with husband Ryan Adams by saying about her upcoming project, "I'm probably going to work with my husband on this album." [CBS]

DMX suffered a concussion for ruff rydin' his four wheeler outside his South Carolina home. [TMZ]

Sadly, Usher's ex-wife Tameka Raymond says she can't afford to keep her son, Kyle Glover, on life support much longer, though she still holds out hope that he will make a dramatic recovery from brain damage he suffered in a jet ski accident. [TMZ]

A photographer for the now ominously titled Girls and Corpses magazine has said that Sage Stallone looked awful at a recent photo shoot, and seemed to be "on something." [TMZ]

George Braunstein, Stallone's lawyer, finds reports that Stallone died of a drug overdose "surprising," because, according to Braunstein, "I never knew him to drink alcohol. I never saw him take drugs. I never knew of anything like that at all." Stallone was even rumored to have plans to marry his girlfriend as early as next week. [E!]

Coolio's son Grtis Ivey is heading to prison for at least three and a half years after an ill-advised breaking and entering exploit in Las Vegas. [TMZ]

Jennifer Lopez is planning a big tour after announcing that she wants to join Steve Tyler and gtfo of American Idol. [BBC]

But that's okay because Aretha Franklin is totally down to take J-Lo's place. [CNN]

Rather than move on with her life, Kate Gosselin decided to ruin Saturday family movie night by making her kids watch old episodes of that show she made them take part in, reminiscing the whole while about how good life was when she used to be semi-famous. [Radar]

Somebody turned off the rock and roll in Hyde Park when Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney ran over the three-and-a-half-hour time limit. [BBC]

The True Blood cast sort of but not really revealed some series spoilers at Comic-Con, the biggest one being that the entire show thus far has been an elaborate dream that Gran Stackhouse had after she accidentally baked herself a pie laced with a ton of peyote. [AP]

France's far-right party, National Front, is puuuuurdy pissed at Madonna for showing a video at her Paris concert that featured party leader Marine Le Pen with a swastika on her forehead. This might sound crazy, but French people seem particularly sensitive to Nazi iconography. [AP]

Richard Zanuck, the producer who was probably gritting his teeth when they couldn't get Bruce to work properly on the set of Jaws, died Saturday at age 77. [NY Post]