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Opening Myself Up So I Can Overcome The Fear

Yesterday I was weepy, today I've been out of sorts... I don't know what's up with me. It's not like I'm not happy because I'm very happy. I've been wanting to write all day but I wanted to get a handle on how or why I was feeling this way. I finally figured it out and I wish I could put it into words but honestly there are not enough words to explain it all.

I thought about not writing and then I just knew I had to write something. I've known for quite some time that I am supposed to be doing something else. Today I realized I'm afraid, really afraid. I know that means I am close to doing what I know I should, it's really scary though. I've written about using the fear to succeed, which is much easier said then done.

Oh how I want to use the fear to overcome and surpass my potential. I keep thinking, what is worse, facing my fear head on or letting it win? The main part of me thinks facing it would be the best thing. Let me tell you though it's scary. I've only opened up myself fully to David because he's safe, I trust him.

What I need to do entails opening myself up to people who could hurt, ridicule and judge me. I guess that's why I've been writing so much about how I know we should not be judging each other. I just have to realize that this next phase of my life will be judged.

Really what is the worse thing that can happen? People might really see who I am and then what? Think the worst and judge me for my past. I have to say one thing about that, I was so sad, I felt so bad about myself. When Andrey raped me, I was lower than anytime in my life. I just didn't want to feel the pain that came from being raped, I wanted to cover it in anyway possible.

Oh and I did, I used everything possible not to feel. If I ever started to feel I would figure out something that I could do not to feel. Everything I did hurt me more but at least I was in control of that pain.

Then along came David and I was afraid to tell him but I couldn't not tell him. He was so loving, kind and understanding. Why can't everyone be like that? Why do we have to make other people feel so much more worse? When all they want is to be loved and accepted.

I have to decide about the future and what path I will take!

The Secrets We Hide

we struggle to have meaning in this world which we all knowwe try but yet we wonder where we all should gohidden in the questions which we can not findthe answers are all hiddendeep inside our mindshidden in our soulis the life we try to hidebut in time it will find youand it will release all of its secrets hidden beneath so before it ruins the life you have maderelease those dark secrets and the memories will fadehidden in our lives are stories left untoldof the things we didn’t want them to knowbut once you tell somebodyand make your feelings knownthe struggle will be overand you’ll finally be home

Thank you Jane and Lance, I know I am a victim of the rape. The things I may be judged for is for how I handled being raped. I've only felt comfortable telling David all of it. He was very understanding. Thank you for you kind words :)

People judge each other only because of their own insecurities, you just keep going on your own journey & you'll be sure to succeed at whatever it is that's right for you. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, does or says about it.

I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤

I have taken back my life at 50, I am on a journey to become healthy inside and out. I have lost 75+ pounds in 8 months by making myself a priority. My passions are walking, writing, reading and collecting inspiring quotes...