Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The weather in Flippin, Arkansas is a sunny 75 degrees today. That's the Bible Belt's version of F*cking, Austria. You can expect to have flippin bumper to bumper traffic on the 405 today, gosh darnit.

In the news, a male librarian in Australia (why do we always assume librarians are female?) holds the world record for belly lint collection. Yep, that's right. Every night before bed he removes the "fluff" from his belly button and puts it in a jar. He has now filled 3 jars of belly lint since he first started collecting it in 1984. He also swears his belly lint does not smell. In fact he claims the belly lint from 20 years ago is indistinguishable from new belly lint by smell. Uh... anyone care to challenge his claim and smell it for yourself? I think he's lying but I'm not going to challenge him. Of course belly button lint smells. Wait... let me check... yep, it smells.

The librarian vows to continue collecting his belly lint as long as he is able. What does that even mean? As long as he has fingers to pick out the belly lint? As long as he has jars? As long as he has a naval? He's even considering stuffing a cushion with his collection. Excuse me for a moment while I dry heave.

Speaking of dry heave, Andy Dick showed the patrons of a Coffee House his namesake on Monday.

This isn't the first time Dick has been living up to his name but let's hope it's the last. Maybe it's his parents' fault for naming him Dick. Think about that you parents and future parents out there when it comes to naming your kids. Don't name them Dick.

Speaking of body parts, would you like to become best friends with your digestive system?

Hmmmm...... I don't want to become friends with my fuzzy gremlin digestive system and I don't want to drink that nasty probiotic drink. Now pass me some chocolate covered bacon! Oh yes I've tried it and it's nummy.

In celebrity news, Heather Locklear dropped 30K on a ring in a Vancouver Tiffany's. Wait. I don't care about that. I want to know why all the aging actresses are getting this ridiculous cheek implant thing. Newsflash: It doesn't make you look younger, it just makes you look fatter. Sincerely, me. #yourenotfoolinganyone

If that poor boy didn't have to pee before this, I'm sure he has to now. I'm also fairly certain that pose is illegal in most countries. Or at least it should be.

And that's all the time I have for today. Take time to smell the roses. Then cut them so you can bring them with you. Especially if they belong to your neighbor. Tell them Ginger said it's ok. Oh, and one more thing before I go...

German alchemist Hennig Brand discovered phosphorus while trying to make gold from pee.

In 1669, in attempt to create the Philosopher's Stone, Brand boiled down a vat of urine until the leftover substance was red-hot. The refuse then liquefied and burst into flames! Once this residue cooled and hardened, it continued to give off a pale greenish glow. He named his new substance “phosphorus,” from the Greek for “light bearer. ”In the end, Brand boiled nearly 5,500 liters of urine in order to produce only 120 grams of phosphorus!