Sheldon: Now to business. Eighteen years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven't I heard back yet?Agent Paige: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.Sheldon: That's of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning faeces off its shoes.

Sheldon: I'd like to offer a laudatory statement about Howard's many excellent qualities that I believe will tip the scales back in his favor. Howard Joewl Wolowitz. H is for honesty, of which he has much. O's for outstanding, which he is such. W's for witty, he's quick with a joke. A's for artistic, his ability-Agent Paige: I'm sorry, Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed.Sheldon: But I still have rd Joel Wolowitz to go.

Agent Paige: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.Sheldon: Oh, all right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

Agent Paige: Would you characterize him as responsible?Sheldon: I'm going to answer this with a visual aid. This my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray box-set. Mr Wolowitz borrowed it, damaged plastic retention hub number three, and then returned it to me hoping I wouldn't notice. Would you characterize that as responsible?Agent Paige: That's really not the kind of thing we're interested in.Sheldon: You heard me say Blu-ray, right?