How Do You Like These Apples: An Action Movie Based On Sir Isaac Newton

Do you find the life of Sir Isaac Newton interesting but feel it could use more Vin Diesel, car chases, explosions, and boobs? Good news! Lifelong virgin Newton’s boringass science-y life is getting an EXTREME reimagination by the director of The Fast and the Furious, xXx, and The Mummy 3. Oh, boy, another Hollywood reimagination! Guys, guys, seriously, what if Ferdinand Magellan were a werewolf!? What if Davy Crockett fought a Sasquatch, and the Sasquatch turned out to be a steampunk alien!? And what if the Vatican were almost taken over by a priest committing murders and framing the Illuminati!? Wait, that last one was a Dan Brown book. Nevermind.

THR reports Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious, xXx, The Mummy 3) is developing an action movie based on Sir Isaac Newton. Once again Hollywood comes up with something more ridiculous than we could imagine after huffing gasoline for three hours. Cohen is writing the screenplay, which follows Newton as the chief detective and head of the British Mint. Gee, I wonder if there will be a high-stakes robbery.

Cohen will also be designing a graphic novel based on his script, because that’s how movies get funding now. The film is also being backed by Gene Kirkwood, who produced Rocky, UHF, and Get Rich or Die Tryin’. This is the first time anyone not named Gene Kirkwood has ever mentioned those three movies at the same time.

Kirkwood told THR: “We see this as a real opportunity to redefine the concept from day one, using multiple channels and outlets to more creatively develop and extend the characters and storyline while generating huge excitement in advance of the theatrical release.”

That dude should teach classes on how to sound like you’re answering a question without really saying anything. Call it “Covering Your Ass For Hollywood Execs”. Wait, no, that would be too direct. Call it “Using Multiple Means Of Expression To Creatively Develop And Extend One’s Plausible Deniability For Diverse Individuals Engaged In The Business Of Show, Management Edition”.

There was a book where Lewis and Clark battled a sasquatch and brought back a skull for Jefferson, who decided it should be kept a secret. So there’s that. Can’t remember the title, but as promising as the premise was, I think it just became a standard monster-in-the-dark ending and wasn’t that great of a book. I know, I know – it sounded like a slam-dunk for entertainment to me too….