Matt Mitchell is the creator of The Ostrich, Walker County's least trusted news source, and was the 3rd round draft pick of the Denver Nuggets. This is a work of satire.

Following what experts are calling a "widespread traumatic stress event" experienced by hundreds of thousands of Alabamians simultaneously Monday night, the Center for Disease Control has officially moved Alabama down three spots to become the worst state in the country for heart health.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention's Division for Heart Disease and Stroke Prevention traditionally waits until their annual report to update their national heart health rankings, but officials could not ignore the estimated 43,000 Alabamians who reported to their local emergency room complaining of chest pain, shortness of breath, and inability to stop cursing last night.

"We've never seen anything like this. Well, except for the Auburn game two months ago. Then there's the Clemson and Ole Miss game from last year. And then Clemson and Ole Miss again the year before that. Honestly, it's a miracle there are any Alabama fans still alive," explained Anthony Holieway, health communications specialist for the CDC. "Luckily, they'll have the next several months to recover, unless they start rooting for the Falcons."

Hospitals across the state were flooded late Monday night with Alabamians who were either suffering the symptoms of a heart attack or had broken their hand after punching something during one of the game's missed field goals. Leroy Sides, a lifelong Crimson Tide fan, was one of at least two hundred people who reported to Walker Baptist Medical Center following the game.

"I started feeling it during the first quarter, but I wasn't about to stop watching the game. Then I started hallucinating and really believed that we needed Lane Kiffin back," recalled Sides. "That's when I knew something was wrong."

In addition to the concern for Alabama's hearts, health officials are also bracing for a possible "baby boom" in exactly nine months. The Alabama Department of Public Health has reportedly ordered extra birth certificate forms in anticipation of the event and staff are already taking bets on how many different spellings of "Tua" they'll see.

[This is a work of satire. All content is the creation of Matt Mitchell, The Ostrich.]

Note to readers: if you purchase something through one of our affiliate links we may earn a commission.