Dim Bulbs 'n Dirty Lockers

By: Wayne Brown

There are things that go bump in the night and things that make us wonder in delight attempting to figure out why they are such that they are. There are few things more distracting to me that those that catch my eye in that sense and cause me to wonder what someone must have been thinking when they came up with such. The funny part is that most of it is based on some mild form of insanity therefore those among us who think logically and I not candidates for the home will have a lot of difficulty figuring it all out. Still our attention is captured by it.

Most of us have wondered where the lights go when the lights got out. Where ever it is, light gets to that spot very fast and it does not linger….literally leaves just as soon as you flip the switch. Personally, after much thought, I am pretty sure that light goes to Alaska. Why, you ask? Well, all the indications are there. The sun seldom sets in Alaska for many months out of the year indicating that there is an abundance of light coming to there from somewhere. And then there is the “Aurora Borealis” which is not the name of someone’s daughter but a show in the sky called the northern lights. That’s up there at the North Pole but it is really close to Alaska so light has plenty to do in the area most of the time.

What about when you flush the toilet and the water spins round and round in a clockwise, or for those of you in Australia, counterclockwise motion…do you find yourself wondering why water spins this way and that way when departing the toilet; why it just does not drop out of sight like light does and disappear. Now you might be thinking that I am going to tell you that it is because all the water eventually goes to Alaska. Nice try, but no dice. Some say that it is the “Coreolis Effect” on the planet spinning on its axis and that tends to push things to the side of the bowl causes the water to spin round and round in the toilet.

I say “nay” because I think somebody must have made that up! It’s a pretty good trick too because the explanation sounds “All Einsteinish” thus we don’t dare dispute it. No sir…don’t piss down my back and say that it is rainin’ cause you know how rain runs off a duck’s back….down, get it, down! Ha! Okay, we’re getting off course. I says that the water spins around in the toilet because it needs to pick up momentum to speed its way down (there’s that word again!) those long sewer pipes to the processing plant. Without that initial effort, water could not do its job and our sewer systems in America would be abject failures. Water knows that and understands that if the systems fails, it could be replaced by some new process. Water does not like the thought of that thus it gets up a head of steam to push down those pipes at light speed. And everybody knows that nobody can stop water when it wants to come.

Some of you might remember the days of black and white television from back in the era when some really great show, like “Gunsmoke” originated. I know that I do. In fact, I was watching one just the other day called “Have Gun – Will Travel”. It is a series about a high-fulootin’ gunslinger who lives in the lap of luxury in a San Francisco hotel and has a young Chinese fella called “Hey-Boy” waiting on his every need. Now, I’ll bet that the same folks who caused the “Amos n’ Andy Show” to be removed from broadcast will do the same to “Have Gun-Will Travel” if they ever hear that moniker mumbled in the reruns. Anyway, this guy’s name is “Paladin” and he’s always pulling out one of his cards to mail off to someone in need of his fast gun and surreal level of intelligence being both a graduate of an Ivy League school and of West Point. What I don’t get is why no one in any of the shows ever calls him by his first name no matter how close they become as friends. It’s always “Paladin” this and “Paladin” that but never his first name. Now this is the point where you leave me a comment and say, “that’s because no one ever knew his first name”.

Some folks who are fans of the show would probably agree with you and support your argument but those of us who pay attention to detail will say “nay” and point out the obvious. You remember, I told you Paladin was always whipping out a card? Well, on that card, there was a chess piece depicted…the image of the Knight. The words “Have Gun- Will Travel” were imprinted right over this image on the card. Now directly below that was Paladin’s full name….”Wire Paladin”. Then, his hometown of San Francisco is also listed below the name. Hmmm…guess you missed that, huh? Well, let that be a warning to you to start paying a little more attention in class instead of clowning around. Just once I would have liked to have seen the rancher whose butt Paladin just saved stick out his hand and say, “Well thank you, Wire, I am much obliged to ya!” I’ll admit there is a strong possibility that he did not like his first name but I have to question his judgment in including it on his business card if he did not want it widely known.

Why is it that some bakeries around town advertise “doughnut holes” for sale? When you go in and ask for some, you get a bag of fried dough balls. There’s no holes at all except for maybe the one you put in the bag with your finger while you are searching around inside for a hole. In fact, I think they have a bait and switch thing going on here. After all, if one hangs around in a doughnut shop long enough, we quickly come to realize that the “hole” is being sold along with the doughnut itself; there is just no mention of that fact. So, I can only conclude that these shop owners are having trouble selling “doughballs” so they attempt to pass them off as “doughnut holes” and trick us into buying them. Someone really need to contact the Better Business Bureau about this shenanigan. Maybe a letter alerting the President would bring the wrath of the federal government and all its regulations on doughnuts to bare and keep any of our citizens from being further deceived by these evil doughnut shop owners.

Have you ever noticed how these guys who act as announcers for professional baseball games seem to know all the little personal things about the players? That really amazes me and I am also impressed by the amount of little things that come to light. Some of them are certainly indicative of a trend which seems to be pervading the sport of baseball. Surely, sports medicine has noticed some of this but I see no real indication of it. I would think that it would be rather embarrassing for the players to have information like that on the street but they just seem to shake it off as if it is just another aspect of the game. Why just the other day I was watching a game and the announcer said, “We really have to watch this next pitch to the batter close, Harry…this guy has three balls on him.” That really caught my attention. I am sitting there thinking, “Well what in the world could a physical attribute like that have to do with how the batter handles the next pitch?” Then it dawned on me, his ability to run might just be so impaired by that number of balls that he really needs to hit the baseball a long way in order to safely make it to first base. Honestly, before that game was over, I was absolutely appalled at the number of players on both of those teams who are afflicted with three balls and have done nothing about it medically. Gosh, I would think any fool would know that you could play the game much better without that extra ball getting in the way.

Baseball is apparently a game dominated by players with physical attributes which are out of the ordinary. Come to think of it, I have never watched a professional basketball game in which the announcer even hinted that a player might have three balls on him. At the same time, I do recall one game in which the referee had indicated that one was the players had suffered a “double-dribble” which is something that one should not waste any time in seeing a doctor about. I would think something like that would require a high-powered shot of penicillin right into the rump to cure it and the sooner the better!

When I get caught up in thinking about all this stuff I soon realize that some things are outright lies, some things are medical impairments which could easily be fixed with the proper attention, and some things are just a mystery that we have not yet figured out. One thing I have concluded out of all of it though that is perfectly clear to me…if I ever have the opportunity to visit a professional sports team’s locker room, I am definitely not sitting on any of the benches or using the toilet. In fact, I will probably decline the invitation now that I think about it.

So let me conclude this piece by advising everyone to follow some simple steps when the answers are not forthcoming. If you don’t know, ask. If asking does not help, then maybe some research will. Think about things…normally you can figure out the logic within them using just your own brain power. And lastly, pay attention to detail…don’t let something like Paladin’s first name slip by you that easily. You’ll never win any trivia contests by avoiding the details. Good luck and play ball!

@thebluestar...As a teenager, I loved to tell jokes to those around me and the more complicated the story line, the better. I often embellished them. I learned early on from watching Johnny Carson the importance of timing when you go for the laugh...it is actually more important than the laugh. So I just employ that stuff along with an on-going committment to make everything I write as good as I can make it. As I have said before, if I can make myself smile or cry...I can transmit that feeling to others. WB

@Becky...Exactly my intent...thanks for finding it! WB

Becky

7 years ago

Funny

Annette Donaldson

7 years agofrom Northern Ireland

Wayne whatever topic you choose to write about, they all have one thing in common, your true ability to hold an audience to the very end. I love your warmth and humour and am still trying to catch up with the master, but you run so fast lol

AUTHOR

Wayne Brown

7 years agofrom Texas

@saddlerider1...Can you imagine trying to explain what a fried donut hole looks like to someone who has never seen one for real? Leave it to us English speakers to mess with people's minds. Thanks Ken! WB

saddlerider1

7 years ago

Oh come on Wayne, even a kindergartner could figure that one out about Wire Paladin, Poetvix and I were in the same class together, lol As far as donut balls, hmmmm. Well I once owned a donut house for my first adventure in business and long before they called them donut holes.

I simply used to fry them up separately, coat them with honey glaze or white powder and put them aside for the staff and myself to nibble on. Then some Cop walked in and said hey mister you can't do that to them dar donut's.

You must leave the hole in the donut, us cops eat a lot of em and we don't want nothing taken out of the center of them. Well Mr Dunkin and Crispy Creamers didn't listen up, Thus we now have those little eggs we call em Robin eggs up north here or Tim bits, floating around separately in fancy little boxes and the owners are raking in the bucks.

Something I should have taken one step further back in the days when I owned a donut shop. As far as the Three Ball wonder, I won't even touch that one, Ewwwwwwwww. Isn't life full of monkey business, tongue twisting brain teasers. Sometimes it makes one think are the Aliens playing with our brain waves...he he he

AUTHOR

Wayne Brown

7 years agofrom Texas

@Pamela99...Many questions on life were posed in those black and white days of westerns. WB

@Hypenbird...Yes, Richard Boone had a certain aloofness to him that brought a realism to the character's intelligence and class. I am really enjoying the reruns. WB

@RealHousewife...Ha! You could get a laugh out of Albert Einstein with that conclusion and he just might agree! WB

@dallas93444...I guess that is how we figured out that it does tend to run down hill, huh? WB

@breakfastpop...It's only a dream, Poppy, and you and I know that dreams never come true! WB

breakfastpop

7 years ago

Are you seriously asking people to think, pay attention to details and do some research if they don't know the answer? Are you for real? If people were interested in doing that, we wouldn't be in the mess we are in. Paladin's new motto should be, " Have deficit, will ignore it". Up and awesome.

Dallas W Thompson

7 years agofrom Bakersfield, CA

My grandma thought the toilet was for "foot-washin." She used the lid to frame their picture. They never owned a clock... Pray-tell, I'd have no idea which way the water went, but it did run down hill with all the cow-patty stuff from their feet...

Flag up!

Kelly Umphenour

7 years agofrom St. Louis, MO

WB - I can tell you I've spent lots of time watching water spin down the bowl and I think the direction matters not - it just helps keep the bowl clean;) lol. very funny!

Brenda Barnes

7 years agofrom America-Broken But Still Beautiful

Paladin was my man, I was totally fascinated by him. Richard Boone was made for that part. I might still be in love with him. Did you write about anything else? hehe, (gives embarrassed blush)

Pamela Oglesby

7 years agofrom Sunny Florida

I watched many of those westerns and loved them all. I ask quite frequently as there are many things I just don't know. Great hub.

AUTHOR

Wayne Brown

7 years agofrom Texas

@attemptedhumor...Having given that explanation plausible time and thought, I do believe it is the only intelligent conclusion which we can reach given the perameters and circumstance with which we must work for an answer. Thank you for that moment of brillance! LOL! WB

attemptedhumour

7 years agofrom Australia

It goes where the sun don't shine:)

Don A. Hoglund

7 years agofrom Wisconsin Rapids

Have gun, will travel was one of my favorites.The size of the TV sets back then didn't lend themselves to reading small business cards on screen.I believe the clients paid a healthy fee for his services so a thank you might hae been redundant.

Martie Coetser

7 years agofrom South Africa

Wayne, sometimes I wish ‘knowing’ was not one of my needs. I know many people who don’t have words like ‘why’, ‘when’, ‘how’ in their minds, except concerning the basics. They seem to be a lot happier than I. When I was a child my mother’s standard answer to all my questions was: “I don’t know.” This fact didn’t bother her at all. My father, who was a born teacher, loved to answer everybody’s questions. I remember in particular his answers to my silly questions. For instance -

On the road a car overtook us with a heluva speed. “Why are they in such a hurry, daddy?” His answer: “I have no idea. Do you want me to chase them and pull them off the road and ask them?” One day I asked him why fish have bones. His answer: “For the same reason people have bones.” Now those type of answers were truly enlightening. It just switched on the lights in my brain. “Ohhhh, how could I have not know?”

Wayne, this is a nice, thought-provoking hub – The best place to ask these kind of questions is nighttime in the Bosveld (bush country) by the fire. There are a lot of answers in those flames.

I love the video!

AUTHOR

Wayne Brown

7 years agofrom Texas

@marellen...Yes, he was everything to everybody...a regular cowboy James Bond! WB

@Truckstop Sally...Some of those crossed my mind but I didn't think I could get it past the "family hour"! LOL! WB

@attemptedhumor...Just as soon as you find out where light goes...get back with me! LOL! WB

attemptedhumour

7 years agofrom Australia

Hi Wayne, or whine on this occasion:)

My wife would know where the light goes, so i'll-asker.

I'm not sure if our motions go clockwise or anti-clockwise, as we use the toilet not the clock.

I remember Gunsmoke, but not one single thing that happened in any of the shows. Isn't his name Gun Smoke?

Real doughnut holes would be great if you are on a diet.

Three strikes and you are out of the parent trap.

Nice one Wayne, you've cleared up a few problems, in a funny and fun way. Cheers mate.

Truckstop Sally

7 years ago

Oh my! Very funny! Three balls! What about the big stick? or the big wood? Who knew baseball could be so risque! You could be equally amusing in a baseball locker room or a weather station. Ha! We have 2 restaurants in town that specialize in balls -- honey balls (Greek and delicious) and beaver balls (owned by lesbians - really).

marellen

7 years ago

Paladin was definitely the James Bond of the old west.

Fun hub Wayne.

AUTHOR

Wayne Brown

7 years agofrom Texas

@Bill Yovino...Hope you didn't take me serious on this tongue-in-cheek discussion...Thanks for the good comments. WB

@leroy64...I am right there with you Leroy...no doughnut balls for me either! LOL! WB

@SilverGenes...Check my comment below to poetvix regarding names. Bat would a good name for a player with three balls on him! LOL! WB

@poetvix...You win the cupi-doll...It actually did mean "telegraph Paladin in San Fransico"....."Wire" was the abbreviated term for telegraph. Good job, vix! I knew someone would catch me in that lie! LOL! WB

@Peter Lumeta...Actually I am in the process of watching the entire series via NetFlix and he does collect his pay a lot more often that we might remember. His normal fee is 1000 dollars but he occasionally ask for 2000 and sometimes windfalls more than that. WB

@writer20...I had to have a tongue-in-cheek break from the Washington drama...refreshing for me as well. WB

Joyce Haragsim

7 years agofrom Southern Nevada

So much better reading and seeing the funny monkeys than your recent hubs.

PETER LUMETTA

7 years agofrom KENAI, ALAKSA

The thing that always mystified me abot Paladin was I never once saw him get paid! How did the man support his lavish lifestyle in San Francisco? Much like all the TV gunfighters, they never get paid! Shouldn't they at least get the money in the dead guys pockets? Thanks for the thoughtful questions and logical HUB,

Peter

poetvix

7 years agofrom Gone from Texas but still in the south. Surrounded by God's country.

This was great, tongue in cheek and too much fun. Color me such a girl, but I thought Wire Paladin meant as in to telegraph the man in SanFran. Love the monkey video!

SilverGenes

7 years ago

Wire is a much better name than some of those other western boys - much better than Bat, though he would fit in nicely with the guys with three balls. Rated UP!

Brian L. Powell

7 years agofrom Dallas, Texas (Oak Cliff)

I am not sure I want to live in a world where everything makes sense. What would we write about? Donut holes are a stange name, but I would feel kinda weird asking the guy behind the counter about his doughnut balls.

Bill Yovino

7 years ago

Paladin was not his actual name, but his moniker. It refers to chivalry and royalty from the middle ages. His actual first and last names were never revealed but vague references were made. I had one of those business cards when I was a kid. It came in a box of laundry detergent.

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