Marriage & Miscarriage. A Conversation with My Husband. Part 2.

4. In the months and years following the miscarriages, were there any subjects in our marriage that were sensitive to discuss?

Daniel: Yes. Whether we wanted to try to add more children to our family. We had very different opinions about the issue and had to learn how to come together as a couple despite our differences. It took months of listening. And not just listening in order to react, protect ourselves, or promote our own agendas. We had to listen to understand the other’s dreams for our family. Moving forward, no matter what we decided,we needed to be heard, to be able to agree on a decision, and stand together in it rather than in our own separate corners.

Me: This has been another challenging part for me. I’ve learned it’s easy to allow anger and fear after loss to prevent us from being vulnerable with each other. That can divide a marriagefast. Sometimes in ways it doesn’t recover from. Thankfully, even though there were hurts on both sides, God protected us from this. Working through this sensitive issue has been a really tough process for me, but at the end of the day, the important thing is that we are listening well to each other and are united in our decisions moving forward.

5. What do you think helped us learn to discuss the issues constructively, even when we disagreed?

Daniel: At first, meeting with a third party we trusted. This person helped us learn how to communicate effectively about the issues so we could actually discuss them.

Me: After that I think it just took time, trying to be patient with each other, and persistence in talking together regularly. It took huge amount of courage and vulnerability for me to discuss these things. There were no simple answers. I had to go to the doctor multiple times—again—but the new information from the appointments helped us figure out what was going on so we had facts to base our decisions on. That helped bring us together a little bit more.

6. It’s been a few years. How do you feel these losses have changed us as a couple?

Daniel: The concrete realization that there really are parts of our lives that are completely out of our control. Regardless of how much we pray, desire, or work for something, there are no guarantees it will happen. The positive side of it is knowing there can be rest in that.

We both carry grief that we didn’t carry before. There are now times in the year where we remember finding out about the pregnancies or having the miscarriages. There can be unity with each other at those times, but there is also a loneliness because it’s a personal grief. The rest of the world wasn’t affected by it in the same ways we were. We can’t explain the loss we feel when we see families with three kids and think, “Ours would have been this age or in this grade.”

Me: The miscarriages strengthened our love and commitment to each other, but it wasn’t easy. Still isn’t. We’ve been put to the test in accepting all of each other and all of life together—not just the parts that worked out how we wanted. Rare uterine anomalies and miscarriages meant learning how to accept a life different than we hoped for; learning how to thrive in it. We learnedagain that marriage means committing to a life together— even when desires we assume are certainties are painfully lost. We learned again that joy and endurance sustain us—much different than fleeting feelings of happiness.I also think (hope) these losses and the process of working through them together have made us more sensitive and thoughtful in the way we do life with people around us.

7. What would you say to couples who have experienced miscarriage?

Daniel: Nothing. I’d prefer listening to them. I don’t have any concrete answers for them. People experience life differently. If they asked to hear my story I’d share it, but only then.

Me: I agree. Simply being with someone and listening is what I would want to do. And to help in real, tangible ways.

I think disagreements and frustration with each other can be normal for a while after miscarriage because you’re both trying to figure out how to cope with the loss. But it’s important to find a way to come together again. Daniel and I definitely had our tough moments as a couple after each miscarriage, but we also understood each other better than anyone else since they were our shared losses. Some facets of our relationship were immediately strengthened after the losses. Some took a while to grow stronger because they began as weaknesses and we had to learn to work through them together. We’re still growing and learning, but thankfully we’re able to communicate with each other better than we ever have been before.