tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57865032318573337462019-03-18T04:39:04.121-04:00Terry A Moore, Indianapolis, IndianaTerry A Moore, Champaign, Illinois and Indianapolis, IndianaTerry Moorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17792393408583461855noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5786503231857333746.post-36217412510942642902018-01-07T20:24:00.003-05:002019-03-15T20:12:40.558-04:00What abuse did to a kid&nbsp;I very rarely discussed or even admitted my experience as a victim of violence and abuse in fear it would lessen the effectiveness of my advocacy mission. &nbsp;I am no longer an advocate and am now just one man telling my story. If you like or don't like my story or how I think....it's okay. &nbsp;I have a response for that on my good thinking habits post.<br /><br />I was abused as a kid. So were you. Surprised? lol I've always defined abuse as anything I say or do that I wouldn't want said or done to me. Literally 100% of humans have abused and have been abused. I know the abuse I suffered was less than many others and more than many others as well. It's not a competition. I could claim the same thing about abuse I've imposed upon others. And you know what? Anyone who claims different is simply not honest....at least to their self...in my opinion.<br /><br />I was scared shitless of my father....and so were many others. I will never forget "The Look" of rage in his eyes and the terror it ignited deep in my gut. Today at age 63 I cringe remembering. Probably everyone who's been abused knows exactly what I'm talking about. To those who've seen the look of rage in my eyes....you were the reason I worked so hard in my career. Being a kind man of integrity and compassion has been my absolute highest priority for many years. &nbsp;I digress due to my continuing guilt. :(<br /><br />I'll just provide a couple stories because I'm not here trying to elicit pity but to actually (probably) explain to myself why I am who I am and why.<br /><br />We had a finished basement in our home and one time when I was perhaps age 11 or 12 some other kids tapped on the window to get my attention. When I went to see what they wanted, they asked me if I wanted to buy some marijuana. At that point I'd never even seen marijuana. I told them no and then left. But apparently my father had heard them somehow from upstairs. Next thing I know I'm on the ground rolled up in a ball and he's kicking me and yelling something about being on drugs. I could hear my mother upstairs screaming, "Stop it you're&nbsp; going to kill him!".<br /><br />Then apparently he kicked my head into the cement block wall and knocked me out. Because when I awoke I heard mom and dad upstairs screaming at each other still fighting. Usually when dad was after me in the basement I could escape by hiding behind the furnace. There was enough room for me to squeeze behind but not for him. So he used to try to poke me with a broom handle to get me out. But I was too scared. I'd stay behind that furnace for hours.<br /><br />Some time later when I was probably 12 or 13, he asked me to move a car in the drive way. After moving the car I apparently didn't place the shifter in the right gear because later the car rolled down the drive way and into the neighbors car parked on the street. Dad started coming after me so I took off running. I was terrified to go home. So I ended up staying in a camper parked in the back yard of a friends house and another friend who was a restaurant bus boy was bringing me food.&nbsp; After a couple weeks the police found me and I was incarcerated in youth detention for a month for being a runaway. While locked up a police detective came to talk to me and asked me why I ran away. I told him. I think he may have went and threatened my father because after that he didn't have much to do with me. But I stayed clear of him the best I could too.<br /><br />I used to stay at friend's houses until their parents made me leave. There was a Catholic church and school across the street from our home. I could see my parent's bedroom window from the school doorway. So I used to sit in that doorway until some time after my parent's bedroom light went out and then I went home. The doorway was inset some so it provided some block from the wind. But let me tell you, it could get pretty damn cold sitting out there in Jan and Feb for a couple hours at a time.&nbsp; I remember there was a city park not too far from where we lived that had an activity building that was like a coffee shop. There was often someone in there playing guitar and singing. I could go there<br />and they would give me hot chocolate and I played chess with others there. But I think it used to close at 8pm or 9pm and so I'd head for the school doorway to wait to go home.<br /><br />Once I was old enough to drive my life got a lot easier. I didn't need to freeze any more in the winter because it was always warm in my car. My car became my life. Any time I wasn't working at my part time job, or in school, I was in my car cruising around. But again, there would come that time in the evening when everyone else except me went home. I used to sit in a parking lot and listen to music for hours on my 8 track. James Gang Rides Again was my favorite.<br /><br />I could tell many more stories but why? As an adult I had to have surgery on my nose to correct a deviation caused by him punching me as a kid. I had nothing to do with him the last five years of his life.<br /><br />I think truth be told, I held resentments toward my mother for not doing anything to protect us....not that she could have. :(<br /><br />My father though violent was not a drinker. I don't recall ever seeing him drink. There were times he was coming after me and I could say the right thing and it would stop him in his tracks and I avoided getting beat. So I became very quick thinking and quick responding as a survival skill.<br /><br />Today I have a very difficult time becoming close and trusting anyone. I can smell bull shit. If something doesn't add up I will always notice something's not right. My hyper-alertness borders on paranoia for sure. I've had a difficult time sustaining any relationships truth be told. I sucked at choosing women compatible to me. There was a time when every single woman I was ever involved with at some point cheated. I adopted a firm belief it wasn't possible for a woman to be monogamous. In all fairness, I was no better than any of them and I did my share of wrong doing.<br /><br />It continues to amaze me every time I learn about some feeling or behavior quirk I have that I can trace directly back to habits I learned coping with violence and abuse as a youth.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Terry Moorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17792393408583461855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5786503231857333746.post-81235601859611235462017-12-30T05:32:00.001-05:002018-12-24T09:43:16.008-05:00The Most Transformative Moment of My LifeThe following incident occurred sometime in 1982.&nbsp; I accidentally injected an overdose of meth amphetamine and cocaine.&nbsp; I was feeling scared and sick and ran into the bathroom.&nbsp; I was very weak and faint and thought i was going to pass out so I laid down on the floor.&nbsp; Everything began to go black and I felt myself going into convulsions.&nbsp; Everything was black for a moment then I saw a speck of light and felt myself floating toward the light.&nbsp; Soon I was going toward the light through a tunnel of lights.&nbsp; It looked something like when they show going into warp speed on Star Trek TV.<br /><br />Suddenly I was completely still and engulfed by a soothing white light.&nbsp; I was talking with GOD but not with my mouth but with my mind.&nbsp; It was like a mental telepathy.&nbsp; I didn't see GOD but felt GOD's presence.&nbsp; I was asking questions about my life.&nbsp; Why do I live? What is the purpose of life? And things like that.&nbsp; As fast as I thought a question the answer was in my mind.&nbsp; I think the best I could describe "the light" is that it is a place of absolute knowledge and understanding.&nbsp; Thus a complete absence of fear.&nbsp; The voice in my mind then said, "You're not ready to be here yet", I recall not wanting to leave, it was such a wonderful place of unconditional love, serenity, and peace.&nbsp; But then I suddenly woke up, completely sober, feeling a tremendous sense of peace.<br /><br />Afterwards, I felt wonderful and it completely changed my view of life. Everything made perfect sense.&nbsp; I learned that life is simply a big school.&nbsp; Our purpose for living is to learn how to love others and how to receive love.&nbsp; I no longer fear death.&nbsp; I no longer fear GOD.&nbsp; GOD is the absolute perfect manifestation of unconditional love, knowledge, compassion, acceptance, and peace.&nbsp; GOD is nothing to fear.&nbsp; Fear is a lack of faith in GOD.&nbsp; Overcoming, or letting go of fear is the human challenge to reach our highest level.&nbsp; To transcend or rise above the distractions of this school of human experience.&nbsp; GOD guides us toward accomplishing our purpose through our special, individual connection with GOD...our conscience.&nbsp; When we allow fear to consume us, we deny, or fail to follow the guidance our conscience provides.&nbsp; In essence, we deny our own happiness.<br /><br />GOD gave me a very special gift when I visited the light.&nbsp; I refer to this gift as "discernment".&nbsp; When I read a book, or listen to others speak about spirituality, I can tell in an instant whether it is truth or not.<br /><br />I often feel particularly sad when I hear the words of someone claiming to be a man or woman of GOD and they preach a message of fear or intolerance.&nbsp; I hear these things often coming from people that call themselves fundamentalist.&nbsp; Since visiting the light I have read the Bible cover to cover.&nbsp; As I read I saw the stories acted out in my mind as if it were a movie playing in my head.&nbsp; I know what the truth in the Bible is now.&nbsp; Many preachers today twist the words of the Bible and take them out of context.&nbsp; Any preacher that teaches fear of GOD does not know GOD.&nbsp; I feel sad about the manner in which these wolves in lamb's clothing scare people.&nbsp; According to Jesus in the Bible, the highest commandment is to love GOD your father in heaven above all others and to treat others like you would want to be treated.&nbsp; How can a fundamentalist claim to be a man or woman of GOD and yet violate this highest commandment by attempting to scare others?&nbsp; Or by practicing intolerance of others such as their condemnation of gays, or people that merely practice other religions.<br /><br />In the years that followed my visit to the light I went through many changes.&nbsp; I went to college and everything I learned was filtered through the knowledge I received while at the light, the discernment of my conscience.<br /><br />Today I know that everything happens for a reason, and for the ultimate good, GOD's will.&nbsp; I know that all of my life experiences were meant to be.&nbsp; They were designed to bring me to where I am today.&nbsp; I know what true peace, happiness, and unconditional love really are.&nbsp; I've turned my life around from a life of violence and drug addiction to a life with purpose.<br /><br />For many years I worked as a counselor sharing with others the things I've learned.&nbsp; Teaching them how to listen to and follow their conscience.&nbsp; Teaching them how to recognize the dysfunctional thinking habits and beliefs we develop to justify and minimize inappropriate, and often criminal behavior.&nbsp; Showing them how these beliefs and ways of thinking enable us to manipulate others, but more importantly, to quiet and deny our own guilty conscience.&nbsp; I wrote an affirmation that I repeat over and over,<br /><br />"There is nothing another person can say or do that can make me say or do something my conscience knows is wrong."<br /><br />I've read others with experiences like this and they call them near death experiences.Terry Moorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17792393408583461855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5786503231857333746.post-67081401995281982112017-12-29T05:50:00.000-05:002018-12-24T09:42:58.934-05:00WTF is going on?If you happen to be someone who has followed me and my work....you're about to be in for a BIG surprise. This blog is headed for a whole new shift in direction. A couple things will become apparent very quickly. Things I write are likely to be extremely raw. When I say raw I mean authentic, genuine and real. Since I'm retired I don't need to worry about managing my reputation for my business and career. If you don't like, or disagree with what I think and write, that's okay. It doesn't matter in the least. I don't care if some narrow minded moron judge doesn't like my attitude. &nbsp;They're a moron and I no longer need to patronize their ignorance in order to get client referrals. So now if I think you're making a moronic decision I'll just fucken say so....unless I don't care two shits, &nbsp;So from now on I write what I think with much less filtering. My filtering now (other than my conscience) would be concerns not to hurt, humiliate, or embarrass loved ones. This can be challenge because I think my wife is a little concerned about what I'm going to say most times I open my mouth. Lol<br /><div><br /></div><div>The next point is profanity. Also known as "sentence enhancers" (thank you Sponge Bob and whatever client it was that pointed me to the video of that episode. &nbsp;Plain and simple, the enhancers serve to strengthen the intensity of whatever persuasive point one is attempting to make. There's a big difference between being "pissed" and being "fucken pissed". I use sentence enhancers a lot. If that's an issue for you then fuck off. You don't need to read my blog and you're probably a fucken moron and won't get what I write about anyway.</div><div><br /></div><div>Finally, there's no deeper meaning or agenda on this blog effective right now. I'm only writing about what is on my mind at the moment. If you think there's something more to it than that..it's your shit creeping in and hasn't got shit to do with what I'm writing about.....probably.</div>Terry Moorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17792393408583461855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5786503231857333746.post-90546044951494435192014-07-04T17:30:00.007-04:002014-07-04T22:24:33.356-04:00Thinking Habits That Work Well<b><br /></b><b>Two Wrongs Don't Equal One Right</b><br />I don't need to retaliate just because someone else says or does something wrong. Anything I say or do to get even will not resolve or fix anything. It will only result in feeling embarrassed and guilty. Dealing with another's inappropriate behavior by not retaliating is a sign of true strength and power. Coming out of a difficult situation with integrity and respect for my own maturity is far more important than protecting my pride and ego.<br /><br /><b>I Am Accountable For My Own Actions</b><br />There is nothing another person can say or do that can make me say or do something I know is wrong. I can feel mad or angry and still not say or do anything that I will regret or feel guilty about later. Even if some one else says or does something wrong that really upsets me, I am accountable for how I respond. I can rise to a higher, more mature level. I can choose to deal with any situation in a calm, adult manner.<br /><br /><b>I Am Responsible For My Day</b><br />I am responsible for how I feel and for what I do. Nobody can make me feel anything. If I have a rotten day, I am the one who allowed it to be that way. If I have a great day, I am the one who deserves credit for being positive. It is not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better. I am the one who is in charge of my life.<br /><br /><b>I Don't Have To Control Things</b><br />I will survive if things are different than what I want them to be. I can accept things the way they are, accept people the way they are, and accept myself the way I am. There in no reason to get upset if I can't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be. There is no reason why I should have to like everything. Even if I don't like it, I can live with it.<br /><br /><b>Everybody Doesn't Have To Love Me</b><br />Not everybody has to love me, or even like me. I don't necessarily like everybody I know, so why should everybody else like me? I enjoy being liked and being loved but if somebody doesn't like me, I will still be OK. and still feel like I am an OK. person. I can't "make" somebody like me any more than someone can get me to like them. I don't need approval all the time. If someone does not approve of me, I will still be OK.<br /><br /><b>It Is OK To Make Mistakes</b><br />It is OK. to make a mistake. Making mistakes is something we all do, and I am still a fine and worthwhile person when I make a mistake. There is no reason for me to get upset when I make a mistake. I am trying and if I make a mistake, I am going to continue trying. I can handle making a mistake. It is OK. for others to make mistakes too. I will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make.<br /><br /><b>Other People Are OK And I Am OK</b><br />People who do things I don't like are not necessarily bad people. They should not necessarily be punished just because I don't like what they do or did. There is no reason why another person should be the way I want them to be; and there is no reason why I should be the way somebody else wants me to be. People will be whatever they want to be, and I will be whatever I want to be. I cannot control other people, or change them. They are who they are; we all deserve basic respect and reasonable treatment.<br /><br /><b>I Can Handle It When Things Go Wrong</b><br />I don't need to watch out for things to go wrong. Things usually go just fine and when they don't, I can handle it. I don't have to waste my energy worrying. The sky won't fall in; things will be OK.<br /><br /><b>It Is Important To Try</b><br />I can. Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks, it is better to try than to avoid them. Avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. Things worth having are worth the effort. I might not be able to do everything, but I can do something.<br /><br /><b>I Am Capable</b><br />I don't need someone else to take care of my problems. I am capable. I can take care of myself. I can make decisions for myself. I can think for myself. I don't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me.<br /><br /><b>I Can Change</b><br />I can change. I don't have to be a certain way because of what has happened in the past. Everyday is a new day. It's silly to think I can't help being the way I am. Of course I can.<br /><br /><b>Other People Are Capable</b><br />I can't solve other people's problems for them. I don't have to take on other people's problems as if they were my own. I don't need to change other people, or fix up their lives. They are capable and can take care of themselves, and can solve their own problems. I can care and be of some help, but I can't do everything for them.<br /><br /><b>I Can Be Flexible</b><br />There is more than one way to do something. More than one person has good ideas that will work. There is no one and only best way. Everybody has ideas that are worthwhile. Some may make more sense to me than others but everyone's ideas are worthwhile, and everyone has something worthwhile to contribute.Terry Moorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17792393408583461855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5786503231857333746.post-41214516872223260572013-11-24T13:58:00.003-05:002014-07-01T11:00:48.314-04:00Letter To All My Gay and Lesbian Friends<style><!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:1 134676480 16 0 131072 0;} @font-face {font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; panose-1:0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-format:other; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:1 134676480 16 0 131072 0;} @font-face {font-family:Cambria; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:3 0 0 0 1 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-font-family:Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"ＭＳ 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} @page WordSection1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.WordSection1 {page:WordSection1;} --></style> <br /><div class="MsoNormal">Dear Gay and Lesbian Friends,</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">To me, this life is simply a learning experience, a school if you will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I strongly believe the purpose for our existence in this learning experience is to learn how to love and to be loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>We have a hard-wired, built-in system to guide us in our choices and decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Cars and smart phones have GPS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I believe all people are born with our own PGS, Personal Guidance System (also know as conscience).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Smart people, whether they have a smart phone or not, will pay close attention to our PGS.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">If we pay close attention to our PGS it will never fail to steer us to the right choices to get our power (power; the ability to get what I want) through kindness, courtesy, respect, love, compassion, negotiation, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I call this integrity, to integrate my conscience with my words and actions.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Living with integrity is the best path to happiness in my opinion, but it certainly is not always easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>It is often extremely challenging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>On the other hand, MLK said, “The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where the stand in times of challenge and controversy.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">My brother-in-law Tony Caldwell has his own words of inspiration on this topic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>He says, “The more we exercise our muscle of integrity the easier it becomes.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Life’s biggest challenge I think is that living with integrity is not always easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Often times we live with powerful feelings of fear, anticipation of pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Because we all have a deep desire to love and to be loved, we often have intense fear of being rejected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>We think of our self as inadequate, unworthy, flawed, or even unlovable, as not good enough to be accepted and loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>We buy into cultural stereotypes and judge ourselves unfairly based upon unrealistic expectations of what we think we “should be”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp;&nbsp; </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">It hurts me to think of the fear and pain my gay and lesbian friends must experience to live in this society with so much emotional, psychological, and spiritual immaturity generating and perpetuating so much hatred, alienation and rejection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I’ve been thinking about this for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I think I probably have more gay and lesbian friends than I have straight friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>Some have come out and some haven’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I can assure anyone and everyone who reads this, without exception, all of my gay and lesbian friends are the most loving, compassion, kind, and caring people you will ever meet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>If you have problems with them, or reject them, it is your ignorance and fear that prevents you from loving and being loved, not theirs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>It hurts me deeply to see someone’s actions or hear someone’s words that I know will hurt or scare my friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I disgust myself when I realize I’ve participated in this cruelty with insensitive jokes or comments.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">I have infinite respect for my friends who have been able to directly face, and rise above, incredible fear of rejection to come out of the closet and accept yourself as you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>You are such brave examples of integrity and self-empowerment. I feel such deep affection and appreciation for having you in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>You inspire me to challenge and rise above my own struggles to fulfill my purpose of learning to love and to be loved. I have learned so much from you and I am grateful to you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">There are two reasons I’m writing this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>One is because I want to make it public and known to my gay and lesbian friends I love and care about so much who are have not come out, if you ever decide to, I will still be there with you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I will accept and honor you for who you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I will not reject you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">The second reason I’m writing this is because I want others to do the same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">&nbsp; </span>I think another quote from MLK sums it up the best, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">I guess I'm just not a silent kinda guy. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Sincerely,</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">Terry Moore </div>Terry Moorehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17792393408583461855noreply@blogger.com0