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Topic: Dear Dog: (Read 98668 times)

Dear Rocky & Melody Puddles, Mommy uses a giant rawhide and bacon strips and I sloooooowly make my way up the steps (I don't like them either) and she puts a big towel in so I don't slide but I don't care how many snausages she places in there..I am not going willingly!!!! I would never bite or growl or fight but if she wants me to smell better, she gets to do the lifting to get me in. There is the good part though...she always forgets to close her bedroom door and I run in there for good shakes and rolls on her beige comforter. It is amazing to hear her say No about 50 times without taking a breath!Brook

That nasty whiff I caught earlier? Since your fur-sister didn't do it and I didn't do it, the guilty party must be you. Maybe Mommy and Daddy need to change your diet a little bit?

Dear Eddie:

I was also accused of inpersonating a gas giant several times over the past few weeks. After a few days of threatening to change my name to "Jupiter", my mummy changed our pigs ear treats to vege-ears, and I stopped smelling. She says they're at both our local favourite doggy stores, and are apparently a 'soy-something' shaped like ears.

Personally, I thought smelling like a really awesome rotty guy might get me them local ladies who trot past our yard, but my silly hoomans disagreed.

Love, Sam

Logged

Good news! Your insurance company says they'll cover you. Unfortunately, they also say it will be with dirt.

I have a stupid question for you. The tile in the walkway in the front door, the kitchen, and the hallway to our bedrooms is the same. You had no problems coming in the door, and you most certainly had no problems at all licking out of Jasper's water dish that is in the kitchen. Then you trotted over to my room, over the same tile floor, and then into my mom's room. There you stayed whimpering pitifully until your mom called you. over and over again. We figured out you were scared of the tile.... how does that even work!?

Also: I thought you were hysterical the other day when I took you out to potty. The little jack russell across the street was barking at you, and you stood there, whimpering and peeing at the same time. You are a dork dog, but I love you. By the way, that tiny jack russell? You could have eaten him for breakfast.

Alright, listen up you pair of ratbags! 0530am is not mummies brightest time of the day. In fact, she is notorious for loathing ANY time with an AM in it. Consequently, when the alarm goes off, it is because that's when the chickens wake up and demand to be let out or they lay their eggs in their soil tray. It is NOT because of some human desire to see dawn.

So, please cease all dancing on the groggy human! When you were little, coming in and putting your paws up on the edge of the bed and yipping was cute. Now you're roughly the size and weight of small trolls, jumping up on the bed to perform an enthusiastic rhumba as you wake me up as if you haven't seen me for a year is boardering on exaggeration.

Therefore, from now on, when the alarm goes off and you hear a Human flailing around, all that is required is a polite 'wuff' as you go to wait beside the back door to be let out. Anything else is getting carried away.

You may now continue snoozing in the sunbeams......

Fliss, who wants just one morning to sleep in . . .

Logged

Good news! Your insurance company says they'll cover you. Unfortunately, they also say it will be with dirt.

I realize I only get to watch you when your actual parents are gone. I realize I spoil you rotten while I'm here and you love seeing me. But for the sake of all that is holy, do we really all need to sit in the same armchair?

Also, just because I go to the couch to stretch out, it doesn't mean that you can come lay on my legs. And when I get up to use the bathroom, it doesn't give you the right to stretch out yourselves. I realize it's a nice warm spot. I want it back.

I enjoyed my time with you and your mommy last night. It was fun. But something must have crawled up inside you and died, because that was awful, and nearly killed your mommy and me. If in future you need to do such things, could you please leave the room? We would forever be grateful.

So you turned your dog bed into clouds of useless fluff the other day. In the kitchen, where you had dragged it while I was at work. I dealt with it by ordering pizza to deal with my immediate problem of needing to make dinner, and then tackled the project of locating the kitchen floor. I discovered in the process that you had emptied my trash can and hidden most of the contents under the ruins of your bed. This was not the grossest mess I've ever had to clean up, but it was one of the grossest not involving, uh, previously digested organic material.

On top of that, since I haven't purchased a new bed for you since then, you decided today while I was trying to gather my dirty laundry from the bathroom for a washing that you would take an afternoon nap in my half-full laundry basket. I hate to break it to you, dog, but that laundry basket is not meant to hold 80ish pounds of Labrador. It is my big laundry basket and you almost fit in it, but...not quite. Not only do you look funny, but since you kept mommy from doing laundry earlier, mommy has to do laundry now, since you're finally done napping.

Those black things on my feet at night are called "socks". They keep my feet warm at night. You have seen them before. Eating them would be bad for your insides, trust me. So, there is no need for you to slowly and gently try and tug them off my feet while I'm sleeping tonight like you did last night.

Keep this up, and the two of you are going back to training school!

Fliss

Logged

Good news! Your insurance company says they'll cover you. Unfortunately, they also say it will be with dirt.

Schroder, I know that you are 'off duty' and free to not be a Service Dog (TM). I also know that yes, your 'wedding tackle' is intact for the time being (but don't get too used to it, bub!). However, Abby dog is both not possessed of her own working bits, nor are you fewer than 10 inches shorter than her. Please stop trying to climb aboard and play Scrabble!!! You'd need a stepstool or a miracle, or both!

Dear Brook,It is sweet that you like the foster kitties and get so excited when you see them. But, you are a massive yellow lab (sorry, you no longer have a neck, there is no nice way to put it) and they are just 6 weeks old and very tiny so when you try to nuzzle them, you smoosh them. That is why Smith keeps booping your nose. And please quit licking them...your tongue is bigger than them and one of these days I am afraid you will lick one right up in your mouth ! If you lay down, they come snuggle you so just stay calm before you accidentally hurt one, you big yellow beast!