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While most Chris Brown fans said Deuces after his 2009 altercation with Rihanna, I remained loyal, holding on to my Chris Brown poster (er…posters) and concert tickets, and refusing to decrease his large presence on my iPod. Though I knew Brown was likely not a man of character, I decided that his remarkable dance skills, catchy songs, and adorable smile outweighed his lack of integrity. Besides, it didn’t seem fair to judge him on a single incident. Fast forward almost four years, and Breezy has added to his list of misdemeanors a flight off the handle after a Good Morning America interview with Robin Roberts, a graphically unkind feud with twitter sensation Jenny Johnson, and most recently a brawl with fellow recording artist Frank Ocean. With the ever-growing evidence that Brown has not, after all, modified his behavior post-violence against Riri, I think it’s safe to respectfully decline renewal of my membership on Team Breezy. That being said, I’d like to formally end my relationship with the young Chris Brown with help from some of his, in my opinion, best hits. So here goes:

Dear Mr. Brown,

Thank you for providing me with music that enhanced many impromptu dance parties, intense runs on and off the treadmill, and pre-exam preparations. Unfortunately, recent outbursts of, to put it gently, undue anger on your part lead me to believe that we are not, after all, soul mates.

I’m not quite sure why the side hood look didn’t stick.

I first fell for you when Run It was released, in 2005. Indeed, you certainly could run it, run it. Which is probably why you also wrote a song on your self-titled debut album about how [My] Man Ain’t [You], detailing your attractive features, including fly-ness and the ability to sneak out in the middle of the night. However, you took a sudden turn in Just Fine, where you admitted “God will give you someone so much better than me.” I guess towards the end of writing this album is when you realized no matter how fly and driver’s licensed you are, you’re still not as high-quality of dating material as, say, Jay Z or Kanye West??

Album number two, Exclusive, brought out a less stuntin’, more sensitive side to you. With You is downright soppy. But what girl wouldn’t want to be told over and over again, in different variations, “Cause if I got you I don’t need money, I don’t need cars, girl, you’re my all?” Add to this one Superhuman, in which a girl’s love imparts you with bionic strength, and you sound like nothing more or less than a hopeless romantic. If only this album was your sole appearance in hip-hop history!

You returned to your pimping, fresh to death roots with 2009’s album Graffiti. In Sing Like Me, you “don’t need no wifey,” nor do you “like it that much to put a ring on it,” yet are quite pleased by the ease with which you bring multiple girls “off to your room.” In retrospect, I’m ashamed at how much I once liked this song. It’s slightly sickening to think of how you made a game out of attracting casual romances, and then went so far as to write a song about the game’s success.

F.A.M.E. is a mostly fun, upbeat album. There are, of course, exceptions, including the truly horrendous Look At Me Now (though the Karmin version is quite outstanding). Yeah 3x encouraged me to “start living”; Beautiful People taught me “[my] beauty is inside…me.” So thanks for the words of wisdom, for once! Oh, and Deuces will be a tough one for me to let go of. Then again, this is likely due to my own struggle with anger management!

Finally, we’ve arrived at your newest album, Fortune. I’ll have you know I always took Turn up the Music very literally. Put in context alongside Don’t Wake Me Up and Don’t Judge Me, it almost seems like you committed a murder and are now trying to distract us with loud music and forget about it yourself…

I’m sorry to have been so acerbic, after so many years of being a faithful listener. I wish you all the best in future songwriting disasters and social mishaps.

Sincerely No Longer Yours,

Heather L. Dolan

…Goodbye to Chris Brown, but Hello to a new recipe! I’m quite proud of this creation – a skinny version of alfredo sauce and pasta. The major selling points are: it’s low calorie, contains few ingredients, is quick to make, and broccoli makes an appearance! Enjoy. And tweak, if you must. I admit the sauce lacks some visual appeal!

SKINNY ALFREDO SAUCE AND PASTA (Servings: 1)

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup pasta, uncooked

1 cup frozen broccoli

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/4 cup part-skim mozzarella cheese

1/2 cup 1% milk

Salt and pepper, to taste

DIRECTIONS:

Cook the pasta in boiling water. Meanwhile, cook the broccoli in a separate pot. Add a dash of water. Once the broccoli is thawed, add the garlic, cheese, milk, and S&P, reducing the heat to a simmer. Once the pasta is cooked, pour the broccoli and “alfredo sauce” over it. Eat.