Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 614249

I am feeling emotional today about my decision regarding my T. I feel like I am doing the right thing regarding this but it is hard.I will always have a special bond with him that has nothing to do with therapy. Then I also have the therapy relationship. I feel like I truely love him, (not romantically), he is in my soul, in my heart, and he will always be special to me.Maybe in the long distance future things will be different for us. But for now, I am okay with they ways things need to be. He will always be a part of me, no matter what happens between us. I feel good about that. It gives me strenth to give up what could have been if we met in a different way. I am able to let him go, and truly embrace the specialness what we do have. Kinda a bittersweet moment, but I am still smiling about it. It feels right.

In reply to Tears in my eyes,heavy heart, but smiling though, posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:37:22

I listened to his CD's he burned for me and just cried my eyes out. I feel like I am breaking up with someone who didn't even know they were dating me. My session is Monday and I don't know what to talk about. It will be hard just being there. He doesn't know that I am hurting or even about my decision, (like I had a choice anyways). I should be excited about my concerts next week, he might even come to the jazz band one, but in a way it makes me sad. I wish I didn't care about him, it would be a lot easier. I wish he didn't care about me, it would be easier. I wish I didn't feel him within me. :-(

In reply to Crying, Crying all day, just so sad, it hurts, posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 20:26:50

(((Happyflower)))

I wish I could wipe away your tears. It hurts so much, I know all too well. But did you see my post above? It felt better when we talked about it, even though it was really hard to do. If you share with him on Monday how you feel, isn't this an honest gift to him of yourself? No, it won't change the boundaries. But it gives you a chance to deepen your bond and his understanding of how much he means to you. I won't say you won't miss him. I don't know what to do about that, otherwise I'd be doing it! But sharing all this can be a very powerful way to know a little more about yourself and who you are and what you really need and want.

All that said, there are times when stuff hurts worse than others. It is at those times that I wish camp comfort really did exist.

In reply to Crying, Crying all day, just so sad, it hurts, posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 20:26:50

I'm the only one who's hearing, I'm the only one who cares or listens, here it's always been like this it will always be like that and it's okay, it's all right, this isn't the first time.The nightmare, what was the nightmare about being who you're not?

In reply to Crying, Crying all day, just so sad, it hurts, posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 20:26:50

I think about my therapist every day, happyflower. I haven't laid my eyes on him for months and months, haven't heard his voice at all, nothing, nothing I remember but what's in my head. But even when I think bad things, when I remember stuff he did or didn't do that hurt me, even then I would fly to remember the good things that I loved about him, and tell myself and I think there's at least a fifty percent chance it's true, that he is as good as I think he is, and that he doesn't want or wouldn't ever hurt me on purpose, and it was all in my own head, the bad things ... oh god my throat, I hurt so much but I'm crying and my eyes swell up and I look like an old lady. I'm trying not to do that, anymore. I'm trying to remember how sexy he made me feel when he looked at me, and how he seemed to appreciate that I was making an effort, and how I fell in love with that, about seeing that in him, and feeling it directed at me, and now the tears are rolling down and my eyes are red and I'm going to look like hell in about five seconds and tomorrow I will be unreachable.

In reply to Crying, Crying all day, just so sad, it hurts, posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 20:26:50

Well, actually I got it out of my system I'm calming down, my heart rate is returning to normal, I phoned his machine and bawled my eyes out for a few minutes. I hope I'm going to be okay. God, you don't know even now after I don't remember, is it two years since I last sat in the client's seat, I don't know but maybe it'll always hurt. But it's good that he's in you, happyflower, one day it won't hurt so much anymore and you'll find yourself actually not thinking about him for about two minutes, then it'll be ten since the last time he entered your mind, then eventually you'll have a hard time remembering everything about the way he looks and acts and just Is .. you'll miss it a little bit less that he isn't in your world, not ever, the way you want him to be .. maybe he'll even out and out reject you, but you're a lot smarter than I am, you would never let it get to that.Oh, happyflower. It's okay, it will be okay. I know you'll make it good, great, and grand in the end. Oh scheise. Or however that german word is spelled.

In reply to Re: Crying, Crying all day, just so sad, it hurts » happyflower, posted by daisym on February 28, 2006, at 20:47:58

Hi Daisy,Yes I read your post about you and your T . That had to be so hard, I don't know if I am brave enough to tell him. I have shared with him about the bond that I feel with him. I told him I wanted to talk more about it (we ran out of time that one session). But it was so hard to bring that up, I can't imagine doing that again. But maybe I need to for my sake. I just don't want to cry in front of him, I never have. Won't it be silly, we have talked about all the horriable things that has happened to me, I never cried telling him. I don't cry when I talk about my marriage. But then I cry telling him I miss him and what we could of had if things were different. But I guess these feelings are current ones, not from the past. Maybe that is why they feel so strong. If I start crying I might not stop.Ihave a feeling Monday will be tough. I hope he is on his toes. It will be his first appointment since his vacation. (what a way to start out his week) LOL

In reply to Re: Crying, Crying all day, just so sad, it hurts » happyflower, posted by milly on March 1, 2006, at 10:16:34

> Don't they say > 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'> anyway you won't *lose* him, he's within.> how are you today?>

Thanks Milly for asking and caring about me. I am feeling better today, I just had to get it out of my system I guess. I am glad he hasn't been at the gym, it would be hard seeing him right now. You are right I won't lose him totally, that is what makes it a little easier. I think I can make it.