Where is that “Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,” God? It feels like accidents and overworking and grieving and illness are trailing me as I walk along your holy path.

How do I go forward when all I know right now is pain? Hope shrivels as aches of the soul grow. Will the next turn be more losses, or complications, or even more pain?

And yet I go forward, taking the specks of hope kept safely deep within my soul, waiting for the right place to plant these tiny seeds. For Goodness and Mercy shall pursue me even into the depths of life.

One: Uneasiness stems from the unrest in our world. News echoes from our TVs and phones alerting us of turmoil around the globe. From what happens in our communities, schools, and world, it’s often tough to find harmony.

Words between neighbors reflect a dismal connection with fellow children of God. Bullies in schools, workplaces, and other institutions cloud our once happy souls.

Yet even as we stand in the midst of commotion and even when anxiety stirs within our hearts, God is with us. The buzzing of hatred will not be the final noises we hear as God’s song of serenity will rise above the clamor.

Today we light the candle of peace to remember that harmony will abide. The turmoil of the outside world and the unrest in our souls will convert to peace that goes beyond all understanding. The light of peace and hope will transform our world to holy tranquility.

And you will be with us in the peaks and valleys of our journeys, God of Placidness.

One: All around us are signs of endings, of limitations, and even of death.
Grief and sadness grasp our souls like never before
And many of us stumble around wondering “What’s next?”

…If there will be a next.

Our path is void of light
Yet while we abide in the shadows
God is with us.
And as we gaze towards the pre-dawn sky-
Towards the birth of a newborn baby, the promised land, and a return from exile-
We see the initial flicker of hope.

Today we light the first advent candle to remember that light will appear in our shadows. This light will illuminate our way through the wilderness, and we will find renewal on our journeys. Hope is no longer an illusion but a faint glow of what waits for us.

God of the valleys filled with shadows, today is one of those days. The “there are no words” for this pain. The triggers are great. The soul is raw. Superglue feels like it keeps me in this space under perpetual cloudiness.

And so, in this deluge of spiritual rain, sleet, and snow, you become drenched with me God.

Even if you can’t lift these clouds, help me to find the light surrounding me and the love that holds me close in the moments of despair.

Amen.

*****

I continue my series on prayers of grief after the death of my father on September 18, 2017.

Much like living with a high pitch noise that won’t go away, I feel as if I am experiencing this Advent/Christmas season with a humming irritation swirling inside of me more than I’ve experienced in other years.

Maybe it’s due to the amount of work I wish I could do but haven’t gotten done. Maybe it’s due to the things I haven’t gotten accomplished – like Christmas cards (for the billionth year in a row) and how many more extracurricular tasks have to complete before December 25. Maybe it’s due to all of the failures of this past year or what isn’t going right in my life – according to the world’s expectations. Maybe it’s due to my endometriosis flaring up a bit (not enough to stop me from getting things accomplished but enough to make me slightly grouchier than the norm). Maybe it’s due to disastrous political and heartbreaking world events of the past few months.

Now, I won’t describe this as melancholy, because I wouldn’t categorize this as sadness or depression. Sure, there are moments of sorrow due to the shortened days and lack of peace in our world. But my Blue Christmas is not a traditional lament. Rather, I’m irritated. And this lingering frustration will not subside no matter how many episodes of Modern Family and Parks and Recreation I watch, how many times I view Love Actually or how many peanut butter and chocolate candies I eat.

And all I want to say… or scream…is BAH HUMBUG!

My annoyance at the circumstances of 2016 has placed a filter for the joy of the season. It’s drowned hope. It’s robbed my soul of peace, and loving one’s neighbor tends to suffer as a result of my irritations.

And while the presence of the Christ is in my midst, there is a veil between my eyes and Christ’s presence.

So I’m praying that when the Christ candle is lit on Saturday evening, it will be the light I need to see hope, peace, joy, and love that’s been a bit absent in recent weeks. I pray that it will soothe my soul throughout these shallow-filled days. I pray that I will not allow this light that is coming into our world to diminish and that it continues to remain strong as time gives birth to 2017.

But for those who have been through tough relationships in our younger days, the ashes upon our foreheads represents the residue left behind from past loves.

It’s not that we usually dwell on many memories or wish that life worked out differently with the one who is no longer in our lives. But the matted dusty remains symbolize the tiny bits of grime left on our hearts from broken relationships.

The dust collects after someone has cheated. Specks of dirt linger after hurtful words are hurled at us. The glowing embers of hope that once warmed us now shine no more.

Maybe we began with clean slates and pristine hearts. Slowly over time, the fragments of dirt settled, leaving our souls just a bit more smudged.

So on Ash Wednesday, we not only remember our morality, we also remember how our spirits have been tarnished along the way. And we remember how God can take our ashed pasts and transforms them into something that glows no matter what has happened and who hurt us.

Nearly every year in October, I’m fortunate to have my beloved St. Louis Cardinals in MLB’s postseason. There have been times they have lost in the World Series or in National League Championship play. But the Cardinals had an active presence in October’s baseball – many times over the course of the past 10 or so years.

Some of my dear friends rarely-to-never have the chance to see the Chicago Cubs in postseason play. Yet each April they beam with excitement. This will be the year! These dedicated fans hold on to a hope that is greater than winning or losing. It’s a hope that transcends statistics and a century-long losing streak.

So I sit here very conflicted as I watch the television set in my living room. I’m not rooting against my Cardinals. I’m cheering for Hope. And I see that hope in the 2015 Chicago Cubs.

I’m cheering for the rains of hope that come after the dry spells of life. I’m cheering for the sparks of hope that begin to ignite after failed attempts of lighting a fire.

It’s a hope in which people in the Judeo-Christian faith: hope in the midst of the wilderness. No matter how many decades we face in the wilderness, there is possibility. Even though there are exiles after exiles, hope abides and restoration occurs. It’s a hope that flourishes after crucifixions and tombs.

This hope moves beyond just ballparks but into other parts of our lives. If they can win, what other things are possible in our world? Peace? Love? Visions becoming a reality When hope wins all sorts of possibilities arise.

Today, I heard the news that Rick Warren’s son committed suicide. I can’t imagine what pain a parent would feel upon hearing the news that his or her own son ended their own life.

Granted, I may not agree with many theological points that Rick Warren believes. His style of ministering and preaching may not be my style.

But, without a doubt, he is a child of God just as you and I are children of God. He is part of the same Body of Christ that we belong. He is made in the image of God the way all of us are made in God’s image. God loves Rick Warren as much as God loves all of us. And on the other side of heaven, Rick Warren will be there along with all of us.

Right now, God mourns with Rick. God cries with Rick. God surrounds Rick and his family with love, grace, comfort and peace.

We are called to do the same.

Because there is a hole in the heart and spirit of Rick, there is a hole in our spirits as well. Because we are all part of the same vine and branches, we feel the branch that has been lost because Rick’s son Matthew is not walking with us on earth. We feel a tremor in the whole body because Rick and his family have experienced this loss.

I tire hearing some theological traditions that believe that suicide sends people to hell. Suicide is a result of mental illness. As depression is a health issue, it can consume a person so greatly. People do not choose to end their lives because Satan or some “evil force” causes them commit suicide. Because of body chemistry and hormones, depression grasps the emotions of a person and causes them to understand reality in different ways. This is a scientific and medical reality. So Matthew isn’t in hell. Matthew is finally seeing God in God’s fullest. Matthew is able to see himself as God sees him. Matthew can experience God’s full love and grace. And Matthew is still a member of the great Cloud of Witnesses who will welcome us as we transition from this life to the next.

May the Warren family feel God’s peace, love and comfort during this time. We pray for all who are contemplating suicide tonight and those who experience deep depression. Amen.

Like this:

I do not like Valentine’s Day. It’s yet another painful reminder of how my life has not followed a certain flow.

Yet I don’t want to remain stuck in the sticky web of melancholy on another holiday. When I reframed New Year’s Eve this year, it was probably one of the best NYE’s in recent past.

Now I want to reframe Valentine’s Day.

There has to be more than the absence of cards and flowers. There has to be a wide spectrum of joy on a day absent of romance.

So I need some ideas on how I can make my and others’ Valentine’s Day spectacular. One plan is visiting some of our congregants in nursing homes. How else can I bring joy and love to our world on a day that can be very discouraging for people?