Storyteller and Artist in Life

Category Archives: Physics of Consciousness

My childhood was absent of significantly traumatizing incidents. Not that I still can’t tell a few stories… Deep sorrow when I found out there was no Santa Claus. It was not so much the loss of the man in the red suit but the lies I received from my parents whenever I asked about Santa.

Liar, Liar performed by Major Bedhead from The Big Comfy Couch. Was I the only one who watched all those amazing character-developing Children’s shows? So often there was entertainment with more appealing messages to our deep primal desires. If the first video went too quickly, let me slow it down for you. Major Bedhead in slow motion. Since we were on the topic of childhood traumas … Ha ha. Roared when I showed my 14 year old son the Liar, Liar clip. His face became distorted and he declared, “How come I was not traumatized by this?” Great minds think alike. My 10 year old son was quick to state, “That’s messed up. That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.” One person’s messed up is another’s genius. To each his own, I say.

Even way back when I was 6 or 7 years old, I was interested in truth. My belief: you are never too young for truth. I was one of the very last believers. Yes, one of those. I trusted my parents so fully that I had a hard time believing they would lie to me. I peppered them with questions about the mysterious Santa as I aged. Especially concerning was the fact that we did not have a fireplace at that time. They had an answer for that. It was seriously embarrassing for me once I realized I was the last one in my peer group not in on the ruse. Grief reaction knowing my parents lied/fibbed … and I believed them. Vivid memory from childhood.

So when my firstborn started asking questions at age 5, logical questions, I did not hesitate to answer truthfully. Much to the horror of other parents in our lives. I recognized that I may be a lone wolf in this viewpoint and reminded Elise that many parents will continue the charade as it is fun for everyone. My sense was that she was satisfied knowing the truth and had no desire to share it with her friends. To my awareness, she never did. She had a deep understanding at that young age – of life in general. I have always called her an old soul. I did what I thought was best for her and I. Our family continued to play the Santa game. It was based in integrity. I told Elise that the spirit of Santa is a darling one and that mama and daddy purchase the gifts for fun and to connect to the idea of giving. I did not fib or lie to any of my kids. The two boys that followed just declared, “Mama, you are Santa”. I pleaded guilty right away. Still fun. All truth.

Christmas traditions. I enjoyed them through my life. Decorating a tree. Putting up Christmas lights outside. Buying gifts. Baking. Gathering family. Christmas music. Still love gathering family, sharing food. Music I love generally. Somewhere along the way, I started seeing aspects to Christmas that no longer resonated. So much stuff. Where was it all going to end up? Commercialization. So many gifts. Some Christmases, I would just send the load of gifts to Goodwill, unopened. I felt uncomfortable doing that. I felt bad knowing my family and friends had taken the time and money to buy a gift. But I knew when something would never be touched. I started asking everyone not to buy me anything. I did not want anything. The tradition was engrained. My family would not comply with my wishes. So I started to be more open about where the gifts ended up (the ones to my kids also). So much stuff. Sometimes life felt like stuff management. Not by my choice. I guess the urge to simplify was not to be ignored. Very slowly, I have done this in my life. I do have a large house with all the fixin’s to go with it. I am no Saint. I live with the evidence of my history as a very effective consumer. I am a wee lazy. Staying in this big house with all this furniture feels easier than trying to downsize. I love my home’s location close to the river and a large park. Until I find inspiration in another location where smaller homes are found, I remain. Children’s schooling and the two-household reality are elements that factor into this apathetic tone. I would rather do nothing than something lacking in enthusiasm.

So 2013, I finally declared that I was not connected to so many of the Christmas traditions. I would not participate in the traditional way. No Christmas tree. No outdoor lights. I would like to avoid all gifts. My kids were in agreement too. Their dad was still connected to gifts and chose to purchase for them. I decided to include my two nieces as my brother’s family wanted to continue just with the kids. So I compromised. No big deal.

What amazed me was that I felt so good about my personal decision with the house. I was comfortable being different from those around me. This comfort was new. I had experienced clear reactions that my individuality was not embraced by family. It reminded me that one of the biggest transformations for me was to let go of fitting in or being like everyone else. I am not like everyone else – around these parts anyway. I realized that for most of my life I felt uncomfortable when I wanted to make a choice outside of the norm. Completely self-evident but thinking about my Christmas choices helped me to integrate it. I accept that what I choose will not be the same for others.

It reminds me of my days of activism. There was a time that I dealt with my discomfort of feeling differently by trying to convince others to feel as I do. That way, I would feel more comfortable with my own choice. Whether it was about the Education System, the Medical System, Politics or Electoral Reform (a few causes I have taken on). How much more peaceful to just worry about me. Let everyone else come to their own decisions. I have no need to push my opinion on others as I did when I was an activist. Live and let live… My mantra these days. But I also expect others to let me live as I let them. I guess I am a little late in this stage of maturation. Better late than never…

Christmas Wish by Tuck & Patty. The version I have listened to for nearly 20 years comes from an album titled Winter, Fire & Snow. Such a Beautiful collection of music inspired by the Christmas Season but not traditional. I purchased 20 of those CD’s the year I discovered it in the 1990’s somewhere. It took me two years to give them all away. It felt so good to do so. I have my enthusiastic moments. So when I went to You Tube and found a slow, faltering version of this song, I had to make it right. And it felt so good. I had been meaning to start putting my own

versions of songs into the Worldwide Web but it took this one to start that ball rolling. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. Followed my own inspiration. See where it will take me.

2014 Inspiration: Mugs of Joy

Give Presence is a Beautiful message from Lululemon, the maker of amazing activewear/yoga attire. I am a fan of Gabrielle Bernstein, the Spirit Junkie- one of the many voices in the video.

Reflected on this writing. It seemed a very silly thing to write about on one hand. Another way of wording it is that I have experienced a shift in my energetic vibration. What used to make me uncomfortable, no longer does. Feels good. I know my choice to not live out some of the Christmas Traditions is not shared by those around me. I now trust the Universe more. I know I can be accepted despite my difference in this choice. If not, so be it. So mundane, I know. I used to vibrate at an energy level of activism. I would feel a need to convince those around me to feel as I do. Was not completely comfortable in my own skin presumably due to being different. At the same time I was reluctant to live the change that I wanted. I took it personally, deep down, when others did not share my views. I doubted myself when others did not agree. I have shifted away from that. I am OK in being different. And I am OK with others not following my lead. It is so peaceful here on the other side of activism. Alleluia!!!

I have slowly come to this conclusion about activism in general. There is an uncomfortable energy coming from some (all?) Activists, people with a cause. It does very little to convince those not ready to change their thinking or behavior … in my experience. Promoting what you would like to see in a peaceful way has the potential to influence change. My favorite technique would be by modelling it. Different from actively seeking to change the minds and behavior of others.

Same could be said about my choice to separate from my husband. Not a lot of support in my world. And I am OK with that … finally.

When one individual (or group) wants to change the behavior of another individual (or group), the energy is quite repelling. It simply does not feel good … for either party. Religious wars have plagued us from the beginning of time.

Unarmed Canadian Cirillo was shot and killed by what was believed to be Islamic Militants. Within days, a mosque in Coldlake Alberta was covered in hateful grafitti presumably linked to the recent death of the soldier. The town quickly gathered around the Muslim community the very next day: helping to repair windows and clean up the mess. A friend commented that it reminded her of the final scene from When The Grinch Stole Christmas. Yes! It has begun …

The spirit of Christmas is a Beautiful Thing. Love. Connection. Peace.

I spent just over $400 on these 4 gifts when I was inspired by the suggestion of the Mustard Seed Church. Each Mug consists of a pair of gloves or mitts, a travel coffee mug, $20 coffee gift card, 5 bus tickets, 2 sets of handwarmers/2 sets of toe warmers. Recipients will be four homeless Edmontonians.

I had a conversation with myself regarding the gesture. On one level, $400 could have easily been spread among more people. Longstanding fascination with homelessness. Learned many things. So surprised when I heard that laundry was not part of the homeless lifestyle. People wear clothes until they are extremely dirty, then throw them away and obtain fresh clothes, usually from one of the charities downtown. The idea of ownership may be different. As much as I questioned the purchase of $40-80 hand warming devices, wondering how long they could be of service (dirty, lost, stolen), I chose to buy quality. It was my intention to lift the spirit of another human being. We are all so worthy. My daughter was thrilled to hear my Christmas Wish that the high quality items might inspire their recipient to reach for the highest version of themselves in each moment. Just over $100 was the average cost for my Mugs of Joy. I happened to need new mittens myself so found myself at a store I adore, Camper’s Village. I could not feel good buying a gift for another that I would not buy for myself. Hence: the splurge.

One stop shop. That is how I roll. In case any of you were wondering …

Addendum #2:

An article published by Sandra Walter discussing the importance of disclosure.

Disclosure: the word of the day … and the bridge to Peace.

Disclosing defined from dictionary.com app:1. to make known; reveal or uncover2. to cause to appear; allow to be seen; lay open to view

The concept of the building block to world Peace is the small, personal actions we take in our lives is the Beautiful Truth. That was what prompted me to write a book … that will never be written now. I love my website: The Disabled Angel. I disclose a lot. It has been a Beautiful therapy for me. I have come to believe that just by my writing and making it available publicly is all that is required to ground this energy. Whether someone reads it or not is irrelevant, I believe its power is just by its existence. My Beautiful Truth.

Remember this isn’t confession energy: not good or bad. It is simply speaking your truth with transparency.

Some prompts for personal disclosure:What have you not disclosed in your own lifestream?What secrets do you still keep hidden from others?Is there a last hand waiting to be revealed from you?Can you express your fears?What can you share openly to reveal your true self to those around you?Can you reveal your personal ideas about money, government, ET’s or personal issues without causing injuries or embarrassment? Or do certain areas of your life stay hidden?Why would you expect others to do that if you cannot?How forgiving are you of others or yourself?Have you attained Divine neutrality?

The energy of personal revelation when shared openly, honestly, with integrity, love and in service to all energetically support those in roles of leadership, government, finance, corporations who have the challenging task of disclosure at hand.

Even one small revelation of truth to a friend can support this energy. That is you revealing you to another person. The microcosm of large organizations coming forward and revealing the truth.

Re-evaluate your own interests. Are they in alignment with the highest interest of the planet, humanity … ?Face the fear of disclosure in your own lifestream in order to support a quickening of those dynamics on a planetary level.

Everyone is involved in disclosure. It is not us versus them.Disclosure and re-evaluation have been delayed by the collective decision to hide secrets or tell half-truths.

… coming out speeches for your representatives or key players. How would you present what needs to be said? How would you infuse those words with compassion in the highest interests of all concerned?What revelations could come to light without creating chaos?Try this. It is a great exercise in Divine neutrality. Write it down. Share it. It creates the energy towards the energy of disclosure and ideas in how to handle the fallout.

… we are creating the most complementary shift for everyone.We understand that the idea of change is very scary to most of the population. Change this energy. Shift the collective consciousness to revelation, disclosure and re-evaluation of systems by actively choosing to reveal your own truth: personal truths. Engaging in acts of forgiveness and personal clemency (meaning of clemency: compassion or forgiveness in judging or punishing, leniency, mercy).

New paradigm alignment. As we enter the holiday season make sure to align your purchases, activities and personal interactions with the new acceleration.

Money is energy and maintains a powerful vibration for many upon this planet. When this energy is applied with positive intention, it shifts the flow to a higher vibration. Send this positive vibration your vote, your agreement to services and products with the new paradigm.

It not only aligns you … , it assists the collective … and raises the vibration of our planetary consciousness. It is very important to demonstrate your agreements in a physical … way as this timeline acceleration anchors into our collective consciousness.

All of those in service to the new light can understand the responsibility we have taken on. That choice is our strength. Let us demonstrate all we have learned and earned through the shift.

END Transcription

My Christmas Wish for you: Disclose what needs to be disclosed. Be brave. It is Beautiful on the other side …

I live for Beautiful Truth.

P.S. – Had another genius conversation with my 14 year old son. Inspired me to say: “Massacre lies to uncover the Beautiful Truth”.

He responded: To kill something, it has to be alive. A massacre implies killing a lot of things. (My initial quote was massacre of a single lie.)

I: My sense is that lies are alive and well in this world.

He: To be alive something must exhibit gas exchange, require water and need an energy source.

Out of the mouth of Babes …

Massacre sounds violent but has several definitions. The one I favor is: to defeat decisively, especially in sports. Game on!

I like to have fun. So one fine weekend in September 2012, I chose to pop in on the Xocai Chocolate ladies who were hosting an event on the Equinox. Jacques, my 12 year old son, had a buddy sleeping over so I put an early curfew on myself – reassuring Jacques’ buddy’s parents. We all laughed. I felt I needed to commit to something on their behalf. So cool, my new approach to parenting! Make sure I am looking after myself…and I need adult company once in a while. I left the house in high spirits.

I was a party all by myself as I nearly ran downstairs upon arrival at the event – the home of one of the Chocolate Ladies. I instantly saw a familiar face, one of my neighbors around the corner. I first met her 14 years prior when our two firstborns were in the same playgroup. It was many years later that she became a neighbor. She instantly marveled at the coincidence, informing everyone of our connection. Not a moment’s pause and the host declares, “So you know the weirdo”. I have replaced the actual word she used as it hurt me to hear it. It shocked me out of my reverie to hear such venom directed towards another Human Being, presumably one of my neighbors. This neighbor had perceived that a man was out to get her children. She alluded to threats of murder. I was stammering. Loss for words. A few more sentences came out before I connected to who they were talking about. I was really caught off guard and heard myself speaking right off the cuff. I cannot really remember the words I used but they were cutting to the chase. I fear they may have lacked compassion for this dear Soul in front of me. Maybe Authentic Honesty was the most Compassionate Response, heaven only knows. I was feeling Compassion for the accused man instantly. I had my own completely Peaceful relationship with him. I put my philosophy/spirituality into one sentence that declared that we each attract our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs. It was not these very words. Something along those lines. Not really sure if my meaning was understood. I recognized her victim energy. Noteworthy, her oldest was/is in a wheelchair. Unsure if that had any relevance to the dramatic chain of events. Then I was bombarded by the accusations, “Could you feel that way if you felt your children’s lives were at stake?” Oh, shit. How did I get into this conversation again? I felt like her goal was to win me over to her side. No way. Not going there. I had my own experiences with this same man and they did not match hers at all. She invited me to her hell. I chose to remain in my heaven. That was how I saw it. I backpedaled as best as I could but basically deflected the conversation away…with the help of my new friend, who concurred with my viewpoint. “Gotta give that girl a hug right now!”, I thought to myself. And that was what I did. OK, end of conversation. The girl I hugged became one of my closest friends.

Short break for a Pema Chodron story:

HEAVEN AND HELL

“There’s another story that you may have read that has to do with what we call Heaven and Hell, life and death, good and bad. It’s a story about how those things don’t really exist except as a creation of our own minds. It goes like this: A big burly samurai comes to the wise man and says, “Tell me the nature of heaven and hell.” And the roshi looks him in the face and says: “Why should I tell a scruffy, disgusting, miserable slob like you?” The samurai starts to get purple in the face, his hair starts to stand up, but the roshi won’t stop, he keeps saying, “A miserable worm like you, do you think I should tell you anything?” Consumed by rage, the samurai draws his sword, and he’s just about to cut off the head of the roshi. Then the roshi says, “That’s hell.” The samurai, who is in fact a sensitive person, instantly gets it, that he just created his own hell; he was deep in hell. It was black and hot, filled with hatred, self-protection, anger, and resentment, so much so that he was going to kill this man. Tears fill his eyes and he starts to cry and he puts his palms together and the roshi says, “That’s heaven.”
(From her book Awakening Loving Kindness)

Heaven and Hell are the Same Place, My Friend…

Well the next two hours I spent were thoroughly enjoyable. A bunch of Divine Goddesses enjoying music, dancing, snacks and a wee wine thrown in for good measure. My dear neighbor kind of segregated herself off with the host, leaving the rest of us to just have some fun. I could not help but reflect on this when I was alone. I performed the Hawaiian Forgiveness prayer numerous times as my energetic/spiritual attempt to heal the situation for us both. I did not dwell on it but I paid attention to it as I saw room for improvement there. The Forgiveness prayer sounded like this, “Dear one (I used her first name but will leave it out here), I am so sorry that I did not ensure you could understand how much compassion I felt for your situation. I love you. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you.” I had compassion for myself too. I recognized that the lesson of how to meet people half way was waiting to be learned. How can we harmoniously coexist? If I could go back, what would I do differently? No idea. On the one hand, I must assume that it was perfect. I questioned myself. Should I approach her to tell her that I have been reflecting on our brief and awkward discussion? I sensed, no. But, I offered an invitation to her – via my prayers. I welcomed her if she chose to review it some more with me. I trusted in my Forgiveness prayer to seal this teaching moment – for both of us – with love and light. I could be sure that I know nothing…and that it was all perfect.

I was also reminded of one of my many favorite topics of exploration: Mental Illness. Actually, I recall using the word explore in the awkward conversation with my neighbor at the Chocolate Party. I was not connected to her truth or my own for that matter. This needed some exploration. Mental Illness was at the core of my neighbor’s challenges – to my perception. I had lived ten years in the neighborhood at that time. The man in question was the son of one of the original owners, living with her for many years now as a single Dad. His lovely daughter is near in age to Jacques, my middle child. I met him, Frank for the purposes of this story, before he officially lived in the neighborhood. One beautiful day, my kids were playing in the back yard. Well nothing attracts kids better than the laughter of other kids. The young girl, Frank’s daughter, was visiting her Grandma that day and chose to come and meet us when she heard all of the fun coming from our backyard – across the street from Grandma. Well she fit right in. I had a brief conversation with her dad that day and with her Grandma on a later date. I always like to connect to the people around me. I know most of my neighbors. I recall how generous my neighbor seemed. She offered to babysit my kids if I ever needed. I did not ever take her up on that offer. We already had two sets of grandparents clamouring for this same privilege. Somewhere along the way, Frank separated and divorced from his daughter’s mom…and moved in with his own mom. It did not take me very long to notice that he was either Schizophreniform personality or Schizophrenic. He tended to wear sunglasses all the time, no matter what the weather. I guessed Schizophrenia – which over time was confirmed with that awful kind of gossip that can be hard to avoid in life. I find that I am pretty good at avoiding it but not 100%. My heart went out to everyone involved. A couple times I noticed a police car parked across the street from his house. Never sure if it was for him or not. I admit that I did have a talk with my kids. I described how Schizophrenia can lead someone to see reality differently. I wanted to give them a head’s up but told them to treat him like any adult neighbor on the street. Usually a person is well more often than in crisis. Be courteous, but use your common sense too. Not a single incident of concern.

I run into Frank regularly enough and it is always a pleasant connection. I gained confidence in my Medical career, for sure. Human to human connection is essential, natural and easy. We are all human. I understand that some labels scare people. I always felt a great rapport with Frank. I went out of my way to say hi when I ran into him out and about. The same courtesy I would give anyone that I know. Ask how his daughter and mom are doing. He always asks jovially how the Doctor is doing. He often sits outside in front of his garage. Wave. Hello! I had always felt the mutual respect. Therefore, I never feared him. I see him. I know him as I know many of my neighbors.

In the past, if I were to choose which Medical Diagnoses I would least like to own myself, Schizophrenia would be at the top of the list. Second would be Alzheimer’s Disease. In both of these illnesses, one seemingly disconnects from one’s self. Could there be anything worse? November 2014 I do not connect to this paragraph anymore. I may even have had it backwards, they may be closer to their higher version of themselves. I would like to formally eat those words. Done. I had thought that regularly enough in the past so I chose not to delete the vestigial sentences.

I ate the words before I knew that the BPS had. Just sayin’. Somebody has to be first … or at least earlier than later. My direct experience, both personally and professionally, taught me a lot. If you have never had any experience, how could you truly expect to understand it. Reading a textbook? Laughable. The University of Life has issued me a PhD in Psychosis. Think of me for all your psychotic needs. Ha ha…

END Nov. 29 addition.

At the time I wrote this I held onto a hypothesis: every single diagnosis is connected to some spiritual/energetic block of some kind. An energetic/spiritual cure exists for any and all illnesses, if only we understood ourselves fully. As I have explored this hypothesis, I have come across many credible people who would agree with me. Some of these are healers extraordinaire. The Medical Establishment would have a tough time accepting this. Miracle cures…Yes! The idea that deep down, many people are not looking for a cure (my personal perception in the Medical System) is noted within the Energetic Healing Community. Healers cannot assume that the sick individual wants full healing or in the form that the healer wants to offer it. There is this need for respecting another’s wishes, deep prayers and reality. Maybe just comfort is their desire in this life. Maybe a quick exit is more to their heart’s yearning. We cannot define this for them. I think often of this in my interactions with people. After a lot of reflection on my role in the wellness world, I am guided to write my little stories. Life has just flowed so beautifully as I have aligned to this – requiring me to Let Go of a lot of Resistance. I have been concerned for the privacy of others and myself. The Ego is strong with this one….

I now trust that it is all perfect: I can tell my stories with Love and Light. It is with the best of intentions that I share my Love and Compassion with the world and My Self. No doubt, my humanity will shine through. My perfect imperfections. I interpret this as my path – So Good!

My philosophical self-reflections from way back:

One man’s Crazy is another man’s Genius.

Truth that falls outside cultural norms is one of my favorite definitions of Crazy – does not fit into the box so to speak.

I have long learned for myself and now teach my kids, Evaluate the Evaluator. We do not necessarily have to connect to the various evaluations we receive. Our own judgment is paramount even though we know nothing. Presently, I feel connected to my highest version of myself so have come to trust my own judgment better than anyone else’s. In short: Discernment is the Key. The trick however is that if you have been looking through a dirty windshield all your life, you will not even realize that it is dirty. So beware. Stay curious. Be willing to question what you think you know… If everyone has a dirty windshield, others, including the experts, also may lack discernment. You do not know what you do not know. I like to clean my windshield. Possibly a lifelong task.

My perception of reality could be challenged. I am open to learn what I am fully capable of. “I don’t know how but I know that I can”. I have really connected to this quote from the artist Bill Gingles. I believe in Miracles…

One man’s Miracle is another Man’s Reality.

I have questioned over and over: What is Mental Illness? In my newfound vibrancy, I have been accused of being Crazy. A friend recounted a story to me that speaks to this same issue. She was eating lunch in a downtown Office Building Food Court. Out of the blue, a man approached a signpost in the public space. He entered into a deep squat and held it while tapping out a musical rhythm with his hands. My friend’s perception was, “Wow, what a Beautiful, Spontaneous Expression of Joy I am treated to in this moment”. She was thankful for this man. I will never know if she exaggerates or not but it was her perception that many individuals around her were quick to grab their cellphones to call Security. The spontaneous behavior of this man scared them. If he would do this random act, what other unexpected behavior is he capable of? As quickly as the man entered the scene, he exited. More than one comment was made out loud from the nearby patrons. One of them portrayed exasperation with the weirdos (or some other derogatory word) that inhabit these parts. By the time the Security officer arrived, the scene had ended. The perceptions of this same scene were polar opposites. When viewed with the Fear lens, a person could feel off-balance and not safe. When viewed with the Love lens, one could feel Grateful and experience the Joy of the moment. It was the same scene that played out for everyone. Food for thought.

I have worked as a Doctor. I have studied the DSM – Diagnostic Standards of Mental Illness. I actually reflected on these a lot. In our lectures, it was noted that how one is able to participate in life/activities of daily living could make the difference between illness or not ill. The same symptoms could be present but not indicate an illness if the individual was functioning well in the world. How do we define functioning well? Seems a huge possible continuum here. I have always been a person who has high times. When I am high, I think about the Diagnostic Criteria for Mania. I have experienced hypomania. I am not really sure if this is true for everyone. Another key component is that the state is experienced most of the time for more than 2 weeks running. I can still meet the criteria for Hypomania many times in my life. Was I functioning well? I thought so. Money has never run out. But I am good at attracting money into my life so it would take a long while for me to run out. Each of my kids was part of the plan. I am a healthy individual. Who will be the Judge? I recall Don Miguel Ruiz making the analogy in his book, “The Four Agreements” that if everyone has the same skin disease and then one individual gets cured of it. It will look like the cured individual is the one with the disease. When I am high, I have instinctively hidden away a bit. I do not always have someone to be high with. What if high is more of a cure from the duldrums of Societal Conformity??? I recall after having my first baby as one of those times. I hear so much about Post-Partum Depression. Well, for me, it was more like Post Partum Mania. Life was so good. I saw so much color in the world. I recall painting my house in cheery tones and needing an orange couch and a grand piano. The list could go on and on. I was alive now. Becoming a mother was truly a joyful experience for me. Is joy and being alive a disease. That would be one perception. Elise, my firstborn, was a great companion for me. My then husband was working 14 hour days and was pretty joyful connecting with his little daughter when time allowed. What more could a girl ask for? Friends were made who shared the joy of Motherhood – perfect!

I add in November 2014 – yes, I see how ridiculous I sound. We can talk ourselves into almost anything. I am no exception. I grappled with telling it like it was. Truth that was not happy truth got converted. Likely I still do that. Ever evolving.

I always observed the Psychotic patients with great interest within my training. So many stories, so little time. I cannot really think of one or two that would benefit this discussion. I mostly remember just not quite being sold on this whole thing. What was this thing called Mental Illness? It seemed there was a community system that would cultivate these Illnesses, for lack of a better word. When I saw the individuals all by themselves either in my office or in the hospital (when I was in training), they did not strike me as ill or abnormal. I believe it was a difficult challenge to see the solution for this individual in the vacuum – without considering the wider habitat. It was always a challenge to view the wider environment (early childhood, significant others, stressors of their lives, etc.). I had partially completed a book by Thomas More called Care of the Soul. He spoke of his long career as a counselor where he viewed many symptoms considered within the Psychiatric world as the Soul trying to get our attention. When we could decipher what the Soul was trying to tell us, maybe we could make the choices/changes that would enable us to feel better. Our community’s B.S. (Belief Systems) might play a role in preventing Living Authentically from our Heart and Soul (my own perspective). I would go so far as to say it plays a big role in Mental Illness. My Learned Opinion. And Learned is a two syllable word here. I learned that in the Law Courts. Lawyers talk about each other using the two syllable version of the word learned. Got a kick out of that, “My Learned Friend”. Community Belief Systems as a cause for Mental Illness. More Food for Thought. Because, as I have said so many times: I. Know. Nothing. …But I have noticed a few things.

Wrote this September 2012 – including the title. Ironic is an Understatement. Amended in November 2014. Removed a fair amount. See below.

July 2013

I was blown away reading this story a year after it was written. I had just been discharged from the Psychiatric Ward for the second time. Can you say Incarceration? As I wrote it I heard Cajun man, the old Adam Sandler character from Saturday Night Live, pronouncing it.

I stopped medication to ensure that it was actually still needed. And yes, it was. Thank you for asking! The story was written one month prior to receiving my very own DSM diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, with psychotic symptoms, during my first hospital admission at the end of October 2012. Mania with a big “M”. Amazing how I had been contemplating the Psychiatric system for so long only to discover it from this new viewpoint. Discovered that, despite my best intentions, I stigmatized Mental Illness myself: an Ugly Truth to my Heart. A Doctor is supposed to be Neutral, Caring and Compassionate. I thought I was … until I realized I wasn’t.

I grieved the label of Bipolar Disorder. Letting that go did not happen overnight, but it happened. I reconnected to ancient wisdom, a longtime hobby of mine. I forgot everything I ever learned about Bipolar Disorder and simply paid attention to my own experience: extremely liberating and uplifting. I felt so whole and complete, whether I took Lithium or not seemed a moot point to me. I felt awesome! I was awesome- awesomely Angèle. Who else could I be? I am the world’s leading expert in being Angèle.

Is Bipolar Disorder really any different from Diabetes or High Blood Pressure or Depression for that matter. I think not. I truly believe that each of them has a root cause that is energetic and different than what Medical Science now believes. Medical Science is curious…so it likely will figure it out eventually. Kind of like how tonsillectomy was reviewed with a different perception and then, viola, tonsillectomy is now a rare procedure. Who knew? Back in the 1950’s, a lot of tonsils were extracted. My own mom was admitted to hospital with a brother and a sister, the three at once. There was a monumental day in history when six of my family’s tonsils were collected in jars. Three tonsillectomies on the same day. They were running a special family rate. You know I jest.

I believe in Miracles…

Or is that just reality???

P.S. -I chose not to upgrade any of the ideas related to healing. I have elaborated in other stories. This story documents my early thoughts from two years ago.

If you have not read other stories published previously, I want to let you know that the Bill Gingles quote stating I don’t know how but I know that I can has since been upgraded:

I figure out how . I know that I can. …and it is easy.

P.S.S. – Ran into the neighbor (who feared for her kids) on the day of publishing this story. At a photography business, not in the neighborhood. Amazing coincidence! I experience a lot of those. I had not seen her outside of waving from our cars this past couple of years. I was treated to a beautiful warm exchange. My intuition read that our prior interaction at the chocolate party was water under the bridge. Peace. Yes!!!

Wrap It Up: things will come to an end at the Perfect Time … whenever You want them to.

I have assigned myself the hobby of Roving Reporter in the Mental Health Wellness world. My label, Bipolar Disorder, was assigned to me during Involuntary Inpatient care in a Psychiatric ward October 2012. I recently celebrated the two year Anniversary of this big event. I now call it a Gift. I have enjoyed slowly unwrapping it ever since. I am happy to report, it is the Gift that keeps on giving. Months ago, I really connected to the dream that I want to be a part of a New Paradigm in what has been called Psychiatric Illness and Care. I was Licensed as a Family Physician in 1992 but stopped paying my Annual License Fees in 2012. Prior to my Psychiatric diagnosis by chance. I did not see my role as a Physician as the path that resonated with me to help redefine Mental Illness. It was as the Role of Patient that excited my Exploration. No idea how I would do this. Followed my Inspiration.

A dear friend found a casual post on the billboard of the local coffee shop. Texted me a photo. It advertised a Bipolar Support Group. It was not that anything aside from the label made me think I would inquire. Note the tone in what I imagine was trying to be an invitation. I did not find it at all inviting or relevant to my life… but it felt like my answer to “How was I going to find other Bipolar labeled people to connect with?” As much as my mind was a bit averse to the idea that I needed additional support, I was surprised to note my Enthusiasm. Following this unlikely Inspiration led to many Discoveries. I liked the Psychology Group that was running it. It was evident immediately on the phone that they were very sincere in wanting to offer help to those who might be in need. They had secured funding from the Wellness Network in Alberta. I applauded. I recall how many Patients in Medical Practice would have benefited from various psychology services. Fees charged limited many people in need.

Upon first contact with the Outpatient Psychology Services, the Enthusiasm poured out. My first opportunity to join in was not the Support Group but to attend the WRAP program. Wellness Recovery Action Plan – Peer led. The idea of Patients who had their Own Experience leading the group just struck me as a Fantastic Idea. I wondered if I might be able to play that role in the future. You must attend the group once before you could ever facilitate it. The program was formed in the late 1990’s as a result of the experience of an American PhD Psychologist whose mother suffered a long-term severe Depression requiring many years of living in an Institution. The Peers were fully trained based on the program by Mary Copeland. Certainly felt it slanted over to Depression rather than Mania. It had Value to offer nonetheless.

My Favorite Part of the Program was contemplating what is Recovery? I was surprised how hard this was for me to define. I consistently heard myself talk about my Label. I never used the word Illness. What others call illness, I call an Evolution. We were reminded that Recovery was a Process. One Clinical definition I found was from mhrecovery.com:William Anthony, Director of the Boston Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation seems to have developed the cornerstone definition of mental health recovery. Anthony (1993) identifies recovery as ” a deeply personal, unique process of changing one’s attitudes, values, feelings, goals, skills and/or roles. It is a way of living a satisfying, hopeful, and contributing life even with limitations caused by the illness. Recovery involves the development of new meaning and purpose in one’s life as one grows beyond the catastrophic effects of mental illness.”Not a terrible definition. Uplifting, it is not. Interesting use of even with limitations and catastrophic. One man’s catastrophe is another man’s breakthrough.

Preferred definitions written by two of our Facilitators, Peers:

Recovery is a Process of new beginnings to a new me, living one day at a time. It’s taking care of myself and believing that I have something positive to offer to others. It’s being able to live a life worth living, with Purpose. Whereby I don’t dwell on my past mistakes, and instead focus on living for today and for the future and changing what I can today. Female Facilitator. I’ll have what she’s having!

Recovery: I want a life worth living as I see it. Male Facilitator. Yes, I’ll have what he’s having too!

Wonder if even the era is relevant. The Clinical Definition is noted from 1993. The Peer’s definitions come from 2014. We are always Evolving… Patients and Caregivers alike. Funny, when you call it Illness and Recovery it sounds so serious. Perhaps it could be Reframed as Growth and Evolution. It is all in the Mind of the Beholder.

My Hypothesis: Living with Purpose Aligned with who you really are is the Cure to what is now calledMental Illness. Simple … possibly not as easy as it sounds.

Full support to a little List of Rights that was shared.

Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have the Right to Ask for what I Want.

2. I have the Right to Say No to requests or demands I can’t meet.

3. I have the Right to Change my Mind.

4. I have the Right to make Mistakes and Not have to be Perfect.

5. I have the Right to Follow my own Values and Standards.

6. I have the Right to Express All of my Feelings, both positive or negative in a Manner that will Not Harm others.

7. I have the Right to say No to Anything when I feel I am Not Ready, it is Unsafe, or it Violates my Values.

8. I have the Right to Determine my Own Priorities.

9. I have the Right Not to be Responsible for Others’ Behavior, Actions, Feelings or Problems.

10. I have the Right to Expect Honesty from Others.

11. I have the Right to Feel Angry at someone I Love and to Express this in a Responsible Manner.

12. I have the Right to be Uniquely Myself.

13. I have the Right to Feel Scared and say “I’m Afraid.”

14. I have the Right to say “I Don’t Know.”

15. I have the Right to make Decisions based on my Feelings, Beliefs and Values.

16. I have the Right to My Own Reality.

17. I have the Right to my own Needs for Personal space and time.

18. I have the Right to be Playful and Frivolous.

19. I have the Right to be Healthy.

20. I have the Right to be in a Non-abusive Environment.

21. I have the Right to Make Friends and be Comfortable around People.

22. I have the Right to Change and Grow.

The Voice of Shel Silverstein

23. I have the Right to have my Needs and Wants Respected by Others.

24. I have the Right to be Treated with Dignity and Respect.

25. I have a Right to Grieve.

26. I have the Right to a Fulfilling Sex Life.

27. I have the Right to be Happy.

Outside of the Scope of Self-care in the Course, I want to share the following Quote:

“Being Selfish or Self-Centered is the Criticism that will often be leveled at you by People who don’t Understand truly what the Nature of Self-Love and Self-Care is. When we Practice Self-Love and Self-Care at higher levels than we have ever been taught by Society, we Naturally want to Care for Others more. We Naturally want to Love and Share more, because Love is a Shared Energy. It is not an Exclusive Energy and it’s far more Interesting and Enjoyable when you Share it and watch it Grow and Multiply.” Lee Harris – An Energy Intuitive and Channeler that I have followed for nearly three years. I Align with this Perspective. Love his work!

I simultaneously joined the Bipolar Support Group as I signed up for WRAP. I attended WRAP all summer with weekly meetings. Did not skip a beat and started the Support Group in the fall 2014. I found the Lee Harris quote the morning after one of our meetings. The biggest take home message I had received via the support group was that in our group, Caregiver Distress was Forefront. Did not see that one coming. The most recent meeting covered Boundaries. The Facilitator had gained my Respect. She eloquently led the Group. Many fires extinguished as discussion got heated and polar at times. It was my sense that this group was the first time Caregivers had been welcomed to join. Offering Groups that had been fully funded only started a couple of years ago. Now they are running three programs annually. My Perception: the Majority of the Time was spent on the Caregivers. They were Overwhelmed with Caring for their Loved One, the Patient. To me this was a Paradox. If you are truly caring, for yourself first, and then your loved one, it would be impossible to be overwhelmed. If You are Overwhelmed, You need to be Aware, take Responsibility for it, and find the Solution(s). They Exist. Shining the Light of Awareness on this Phenomenon, Caregiver Overwhelm, Presents Immeasurable Opportunities to Transform our Society.

Listen to me Now, Believe me Later. My Dad’s oft repeated Quote.

A Whisper to the Lady with the Lamp:My Darling, Your Flame Burnt Out Quite Some Time Ago.Restore Your Flame before Proceeding to Restore the Flames of Others.
Revitalize Yourself: the Devoted Way to Revitalize Another.
Revive Your Health & Vigor.
Model Optimal Resiliency.
Enjoy the Deep Peace of Your Natural Self: A Powerful Healing Remedy.

My Hypothesis: When the Overwhelmed Caregiver Properly Cares for Him/Herself, the Patient will also Improve. To Traditional Thinking, you would Imagine that there is no reason for the seemingly Miraculous Improvement of the Patient. In Actuality, we are all Connected. Family Energetic Connections are Strong. When you look after One, the One you are Responsible for, Yourself, you actually help All the Others you are Connected to. Courageous Honesty is Required. This sweeps Far and Wide. Elder care. Childcare. Etc.

In the Group, the Caregivers were either a Parent or a Spouse of a Patient. Keep in mind that I keep using the term Patient for clarity purposes: to differentiate those With a Label from those Without. My Belief: we are both the Doctor and the Patient, each one of us. Back to my Story. I had been reluctant to come to any conclusions. Some of the Caregivers attended with their Patient, some not. I continued to listen to Patients give advice to Caregivers. When the talk about Boundaries came up, I was so impressed with how expertly the Facilitator addressed what I would call the Elephant in the Room. The Caregivers had Huge Boundary Issues. Control and Authority is the modus operandi. They often use the Mental Illness label as an Excuse to overstep Boundaries and Enact Control over their Loved One. Not unlike the Mental Healthcare System. Micro to Macro. When we Optimize the Micro (Family), the Macro (Health System) is sure to follow. Boundaries are crossed with the Highest Intentions. I get it. I perceive that Traditional Collective Consciousness defines that as Caring and Loving. One Hypothesis I had prior to the Support Group was that the Energy of the Loved Ones is actually a part of the Cause of Mental Illness. In the Field, we discuss the Identified Patient. We Know that a Patient does not live in a Vacuum but in an Environment where their Being is not Harmoniously Aligned with their Family Culture/Societal Norms. Nobody wants to be told that they have a Role to Play in the Disease of their Family Member. With Loving Intentions, they Elaborate their Love and Caring, in the Traditional way. They Expand the Imbalance . They are Innocent Bystanders. They are Loving in a way taught to them both via Experience and the Energy of their Ancestors before them. Genetics is not the only way things are transmitted in Families. Stuck in a Loop we are.

I am not going to try to tackle the issue of Boundaries in any form of completeness. Where there are Relationship Issues, there are often Boundary Issues. Will simplistically say that when an interpersonal problem arises, it may be due to you discovering a Boundary crossed that you were made Aware. Relationships are a great source of learning. Best interpersonal relations require that you be deeply Honest, Transparent, Authentic and Respectful as you let the other person know about your Boundary. My Assessment after 48 years on this Fine Earth, a person is often reluctant to do that because when they do this correctly, the other person is Free to Choose their response to your Boundary. People prefer to Control and to have Authority over the other person’s behavior. Fear of Losing the Relationship lurks. I Clarified this for myself that night in Support Group. The Facilitator declared that to set Boundaries was to transparently voice your needs in such a way that allows the other person to Choose how they respond to it. More commonly seen is when the person voices their needs and exactly how the other person is to respond to them. Subtle Slavery. They want to hold you Captive. Most people do not like to be held Captive … even if they do not conceptualize it this way. It is challenging to feel Free or Loved with these Authoritarian stylin’s.

I have the Opti-mystic belief that for every need within the world there is the matching person who would be able to Joyfully Fulfill that need. I add this in with regards to Disabilities. Rings true for all Relationships though. Some of the Caregivers felt their Patient was Disabled. I admit there are situations where human potential looks different. I do not think it changes the importance of Self-care for the Caregiver. It just necessitates for other caregivers to be found in the world. Not to forget to fully explore the Empowerment of the Disabled Person also. Trust must be Cultivated – a common roadblock I see. Then there are the Financial Constraints … otherwise known as Excuses. I have nothing more to say about that …

Fears were discussed in the group. I see the Logic in the Beautiful Caring Souls. Expressed Fears: the house might burn down if a Stove element was forgotten. Facilitator gently offered a possible solution of unplugging the stove whenever leaving the house. Or make a Boundary that the stove could only be used when the Caregiver was home. The Risk I see is that Fear runs Out of Control like a Wildfire. Creativity is not Embraced. Freedom is not Embraced. The Human Potential of both the Patient and the Caregiver Remains Under Wrap. I personally wondered how many Drugs, Prescribed Pharmaceuticals, the poor Soul (Patient) was on. My guess, at least three. My Hypothesis: when we do not Address the Problem Fundamentally, we Create New Problems, lack of Mental Clarity due to medications, in addition to the original one (or more). In this case, I do not know. I caught the comment that came later: this Caregiver discussed the option of two households was not financially feasible – hinting that this would be his preference. Ay, there’s the rub. The Truth of the Matter. He did not want to be married to this woman anymore. Fair enough… I wonder how often the deepest Truth is discussed. Is this little Sub-Optimal Scenario the Cause or the Effect of the State of Affairs. I Toy with the Idea that perhaps the Wife would not be Mentally Ill if the Marriage was allowed to follow its Natural Course. When we do not Act on our Deepest Truth, it Wreaks Havoc Upon Our Health. Roadblocks to Holistic Health are Everywhere.

Activism: concerning yourself with the behavior of others. Control and Authority issues. My Hypothesis: these Energies result from Failing to look at Your Deepest Truth. I speak from Experience. Somewhere in your Life, you lack Authenticity. Best Solutions are found when you look at the Elephant in the Room, the very hard to admit to yourself Authentic Truth. I catch myself thinking, when I see people fretting due to the stresses of Living Inauthentically: not my Circus, not my Monkeys. My belief is that it is Impossible to Help someone if they are Unable to be Honest about the Problem. Spitting Into The Wind.Caregiver Burnout Defined. It becomes a Never-ending Dance. The Entire Medical System is Built on this Foundation. Are We Having Fun Yet? I guess that can sound a little harsh. Self-care can look Harsh … to the Un-Initiated.

Be Not Afraid. Jesus Christ

The other Fear if Boundaries were enforced was that the Patient would end up living on the street. I could see how that would be a Captivating Fear. Was Excited to see how the Facilitator handled that one. Both parents of a Patient spending a little incarceration time, in a Prison not a Hospital, attended the Group. It was amazing the energy coming from the mom, asking the group would they let their loved one live on the street? It does come down to Control and Authority, to my mind. Fear of Being Judged by Others as well. Homelessness boils down to a Choice for Freedom. I am such a fan of Live and Let Live. Especially, if you are a Parent or Loved One. Living on the Street might be just the Path to Enable an Individual to Find Their Truest Path. Ever Play the Tug-of-War game? Big Effort Pulling, then suddenly Let Go. The Other Person Playing Falls Back Violently. Boom! When They Need to Go, Let Them Go. If that feels Difficult, I Assign You to spend some time with Homeless People. Task: Gain Understanding. Help in some way. By Helping One, You Help All. To Judge or To Be Judged is To Poison Yourself and Your Loved One.

From the story Never Say Never, I feel compelled to repeat the four Beliefs. To my Heart, they offer a Compassionate, Empowered Freedom. These are to replace their opposites. Where you hold to one of the opposites, consider how the Belief holds you Captive. These opposite beliefs held by you and/or your loved ones are a source of Slavery. They Challenge your Freedom to Look after Yourself. They often set you in a losing role as the Slave trying to look after someone else, usually someone you Love.

1. Everyone is Responsible for their own Well-being.

2. I have the Full Capability to Heal Myself.

3. I am Worthy of Love.

4. I am Able to Bear All of Life’s Circumstances with Grace and Ease.

It’s Not About the Nail is a short 1:41 minute video demonstrating how I most often see people in distress. Nobody wants to talk about what is really going on. As a Society, we are really Attached to Our Suffering. We are not very interested to talk about what is really happening. As a result, the Solution will Not Be Found. I reflect on my varied experiences over my life.

I admit, I feel like a hypocrite writing some of this…

I feel great Compassion for those who suffer and are just not ready to truly look at it – to be open to an Alternate View. Personal Experience there … of Course. You Don’t Know what You Don’t Know. You are Ready to Consider Change only when you are Ready. I feel more now than ever able to enjoy the company of others in a wider way. I Allow their Suffering. I can be Sensitive when they do not want to look at it. I am Thankful when they can Offer me the same Space. Live and Let live. Just Listening and Discerning for when there is an Opportunity to help has felt like an Upgrade in my Relations. Lots to Learn in the area of Relationships for Me, for sure.

The Psychologist noted the Risks of NotSetting Boundaries: Resentment, Loss of Self and Lack of Fulfilling Relationships. She Encouraged us to say No when we need to. When we want to. One can Learn to Transcend Guilt. It can be Overcome in Time. Align with your Authentic Choice: do not say Yes when you mean No. Creates Resentment.

My words:

Resentment is Poison to a Relationship.Resentment is Poison to Health… for the one giving and the one receiving. When a Caregiver gets Overwhelmed, this Poison is Detrimental to both the Caregiver and the Patient. Counteracts the Recovery Process. It Blocks Both from Thriving. Runs through our Society like the Air we Breath. Sub-Optimal Health is the Best we can Expect under Current Conditions.

“Compassion is not a Relationship between the Healer and the Wounded. It’s a Relationship between Equals. Only when we Know our own Darkness well can we be Present with the Darkness of others. Compassion becomes Real when we Recognize our Shared Humanity.”
– Pema Chödrön

I value Freedom, Transparency, Authenticity and Kindness. I want to be Truly Helpful. I have a reduced Capacity to watch someone go around and around in a Repeating Loop, despite the fact that I have at least a few that I am aware of and not dealing with. Human, I Am. I have long known about the Power of Listening. I am Committed to really do this: Ever Aspiring. Awareness that the more Peace and Love I carry within Myself, the more Helpful I can be. Simply Being can be Truly Helpful. I do not have to actually Do Anything … but Listening is a Good Start. Maybe this is another Listen to me Now, Believe me Later. It is the Physics of Consciousness. Pretty Sweet …

I feel Resilient. I also take Responsibility for my Life and my Persistent Loops. If others look at me and Perceive me to be Suffering, it really has Nothing to do with Me. If a problem exists to my perception, I know it is about me. At some point, I may Choose to Look for an Alternate Perspective or Take Actions to Change it. I am Grateful that my Friends and Family Allow me my Autonomy. As they should …

As a person labeled with Bipolar Disorder, I felt I wanted to make a Statement on behalf of Personal Freedom. To my Eye, it steps on the toes of some long held Societal Beliefs about Caring. Beware when Caring is actually Controlling.

Addendum: I was tickled when I came up with the soundbite, I play with Words, Art and Music, when starting the Facebook Page Beautiful Truth in early 2012. As I was writing Never Say Never I was playing with some words. Grandiose is a Longtime Favorite. The Reality Police like to use it as a symptom of Mania.

It all started with my pondering the idea, “Am I Arrogant?” I recognize that I may not be in the best position to answer that question. But at the same time, Who is in the Best Position? Dictionary.com (the source of all the definitions discussed here) defined Arrogance as offensive display of superiority or self-importance. Overbearing pride. The English language is baffling me more and more these days. So if someone is offended, then I am arrogant? Hmmmm… One man’s superior is another man’s high quality. I Believe in Human Capability. Wonderful qualities are available to me, and every other person living today. Liking those Personal Bill of Rights more and more. OK. I do not think I am Arrogant but maybe a good idea to reflect/meditate on Arrogance’s opposite. My dictionary app. offers humility and servility as two opposites, antonyms.

Servility – captive, like a slave, lacking in creativity, imitation etc. Wow… not liking that word one little bit.

Humility means having a modest opinion or estimate of one own‘s importance, rank etc. Cannot say that I aspire to either of these words. I now see Arrogant as a Sparkling Compliment.

Grandiose – Love that there is a special Psychiatric definition included: Having an exaggerated belief in one’s importance, sometimes reaching delusional proportions, and occurring as a common symptom of mental illnesses, as manic disorder.

Affectedly grand or important. More complicated or elaborate than necessary. Grand in an imposing or impressive way.

It is easy to see how these words can work against someone. Being arrogant or grandiose is not celebrated. BUT one man’s Grandiose is another’s Self-assured. It is all in the Mind of the Beholder. We are always Free to call in Judge Mental – a title waiting for a story.

I offer Self-Assured and Self-Confident as the opposites to Arrogant. Their meanings are the same: realistic confidence in one’s own judgment, ability, power, etc. Then a second definition is given: excessive or inflated confidence in one’s own judgment, ability, etc. This English language of ours is not very clear, is it? When one says self-confident or self-assured, who knows which definition is being used. They are significantly different. Opposites even. The Paradox of Life. It is Everywhere.

The real kicker is Reality. What is Reality? Who is in the Best Position to determine this? Reality Police are everywhere, especially in Mental Healthcare – I mean the Professionals. My Personal Experience sees a New Paradigm of what Mental Illness is. It relates to a Wider View of

Freedom by Zenos Frudak

Reality. It does not match the Traditional View. Somewhere in our History, this type of Change in a Patient was Feared and Misunderstood. The Physical Crisis that often coexisted required something. It was with the Highest Intentions that we Started on the Track that we still Find Ourselves on in the Western Developed World. It is Time to Collectively Open Our Minds to what is presenting when a Patient Experiences a Crisis. Psychotic Break is a term I have heard used in the Integrative Psychiatry world. Two years of Reflection combined with the Personal Experience of Psychotic Break, I term it Energetic Autoimmune Disease. Your Belief Systems fight against your Fullest Version of Yourself Coming Forward. We are All Connected Energetically. When the Majority of those around you Believe Counter to your Reality, It is a Force to be Reckoned with. When you have been Taught to Believe Something, it is very Powerful. That is how Powerful we are, each and every one of us. Reality is what We Say It Is. We are Free to Choose. When Another’s Views are Applied as More Important than Your Own, You are a Slave to Them. You are Captive in Their World. Freedom is the Holy Grail. We Continue on Our Quest Indefinitely. We will never give up. Freedom. Oh, how I Desire Thee.

Don’t misunderstand me. I enjoy a lot of Freedom. I am often Accused of Having Too Much Fun. Guilty as Charged. I do Question, Can I be More Free? Yes. When Live and Let Live is even more Fully Embraced in Our World, I will know an Upgraded Level of Freedom. In that World, the Caregivers will not be Overwhelmed…

Fear will be Replaced with Peace, Love and Understanding.

When? At the Perfect Time. Whenever We Want. If it was just up to Me, We would Be There Already.

Mindset is Everything.

At the same time. I. Know. Nothing. Though I Love Sharing My Perspective.

Happened to listen to a talk by Bentinho Massaro, How To Serve In The New Earth, after completing this Story. He has his own way of putting into words the Perspective that I was alluding to. Keep in mind. It is a Choice. If it is not for you, Totally Fine. I transcribed from 1:17:30.

If you really want to be Cutting Edge. If you really wish to go beyond the muck of Doubt and Equality and Inequality and other people thinking this and that of you. If you truly wish to Rise Above all of that, not in a Bad or Arrogant way. Just Rise Above all of it. If you Truly Wish to Set Yourself Free and Live in the Realm of your Chosen Thought, your Chosen Reality, your Chosen Frequency. You have to come up with a lot of Courage. You have to come up with a lot of Bravery. You have toDare to Just Know. You have to let go of Physical Evidence because Physical Evidence is the result of your Knowingness, your Choice, your Conviction. If you don’t Choose your Conviction first, the Evidence will not Change. The People in it will not Change. The Scientists in it will not Change. You will Never Read an Article Confirming what you Intuit because you are Not Choosing your Intuition before you Read about the Evidence. This goes to all aspects of your Life. You Wish to see Confirmation of what you Know, Intuit and Hope to be True. Trust in your Hope until that Hope is Knowledge. Then that Knowledge or Conviction is then the Word that defines your Reality. Then Suddenly, there is Proof for it All Around You. Then Suddenly you Don’t Need Proof of it Anymore because you just Know Creation does not have One Reality and that Everything Else is just Imagination. You Know that Every Creative Reality is another Portion of Imagination Equally Valid to any Other Reality. The Question no longer is, am I delusional or not. The Knowledge is I am delusional … and so isEverybody Else. …

We are all Delusional Creators. There is No One Solid Reality we All Agree Upon. There is No One Newtonian Truth. There is No One Scientific Reason or Reasoning. There is none of these. So you have to Realize that You are the Creator of the One Entire Individual Experience. At some point, you will be Lifted Beyond the Realm of “is this true or not?” I am not sure. I am Doubting what I Intuit because it has never been shown in Science Now. It has never been explained by some PhD sheep that followed the Educational System. (Bentinho lightly uses his hand as a gun to shoot himself in the head. Quick and subtle.) … There is No Need for Confirmation Outside of Yourself. You have to take that Bravery. You have to be willing to be Delusional. At least be willing to be Delusional for a Moment. And see that I Am actually just Free and this Reality Shapes Itself According to My Convictions. Once you start Tasting of that, you know that that is the Objective Truth that is True for Everyone but then Certain Beings think that is Not True for Everyone. What is True is what we Perceive. What we Perceive is the tail end of our Creation. Our Creation is Everything we See. Our Creation is Originating in our State of Being, our Conviction. Where we place our Energy, Focus, our Intention, our Self Belief. You have to be Willing to Let Go of Circumstances Dictating what is Real or Not for You so that You can Start Dictating Creation Effortlessly, Beautifully, Joyfully, in Service of Love and Light.

That is what Alights You. That is what Accelerates You (Rising to your Highest Version of Yourself). That is what For You Generates more and more Heaven On Earth.

I am the Happiest Person I Know. And I am 26 years old. That is not a thought I conjure up a lot. But sometimes people ask – you are so young and you generate so fast. How do I do that? It is by Following My Own Teachings. By Not Caring about the Outside World. Not Waiting for other People to Agree with Who I Am. Simple, right? Don’t wait for Other People to Agree on Who You Are!

The Fact you Desire to Be Who You Are is the Highest Authority, your Higher Self’s Permission Slip to Act in That Way, to Be in That Way.

With Integrity, with Love and Respect, of course. That is Not Difficult. That is Not Two Different Things. In Fact, You are Lacking the Integrity and Respect if you Don’t have the Integrity and Respect to Honor your Higher Self’s Impulses.

…

It is a Combination of what is Relevant to You. What is Inspired to You by Your Higher Selves. How You Respond to that, Receive that, Act on that in terms of Your Vibrational Attitude …

As an Exercise: Always be the Most Confident Person in the Room. It is not about whether that is True or Not. It is not about Comparison. When you Ask: Am I the Most Confident Person in the Room? Yes is the Only Valid Answer. Am I More Confident that Bentinho? Yes. I don’t need anything. I Am So Confident. …

I know Everyone here is my Child. Begging for Affection, Approval and Love.

Always be the Parent of the Circumstance. Of course, Unless You Want to Be the Child. That is Perfectly Valid too.

…At some point You get So Confident and you Know: oh yeah, these Beings Do Not Know Better than I Do.

As You Raise Your Confidence Frequency, you say wait a sec, these Other Beings Don’t Actually Know What They Are Talking About Better Than I Do -Know Who I Am and What is True and How Life Works. I Have Full Access to that. When You are constantly in the Automatic Mode of: Others Know Better than I do, there is Outside Authority and I have to Wait for them to Agree with Me and Teach Mesomething. Then you are never going to move as fast as, for example, I tend to move. Because You are Not Choosingto be the most Confident Being of Your Reality.

End of transcription.

Do you See how it can be such a Catch 22? The Stuck In a Loop concept I often refer to? Understand better the meaning of Leap of Faith? A Beautiful Truth to my Mind. A Perspective that I Choose. Live and Let Live.

That’s a WRAP!!

November 6, 2014

Dec. 2, 2014 Addendum #3

Lee Harris Quote from his December Energy Forecast spoke again of Boundaries:

So Fear is very strong in many different ways. But what’s really important to address at this time is where are you going in life, who are you around and how are those people making you Feel.
This is why I’ve spent so many times speaking to you about Boundaries. It’s really Healthy to have a Boundary to that which is bringing you down. It’s Healthy not just for you, but it’s Healthy for other people as well. There is a Big Difference, as I’ve said, between People that you’re helping because they are really in distress and you feel compelled to help them, and people whose distress you feel hostage to, time and time again, and they’re makingno improvement despite your constant help.
The Fear Energy that is very strong on the Planet at the moment makes things Very Electric. And if you are able to work with it, and recognize it exists and that it’s happening, and find good strategies in yourself to overcome fear, and find an ability to graciously say to somebody, “You know, I’m going to go now because I’m tired and I need to go home.” when they are Pummeling Fear at you; this is the way that you start to find a New Energy Map in Yourself, a New Way of Living.And I think that’s where there is a breakthrough for lots of people at the moment. They are no longer being held hostage to the old.
But there is a lot of, “Whoa, this is New and I Don’t Know How to Navigate this New Territory.”And if you are at that point, there is a hell of a lot of openness on the planet right now. But to Create New Energy Maps for Yourself, it is going to require you jumping out the plane without the parachute a lot.
So if you find yourself, for example, invited to a party and you Feel a Fear in You, Don’t Necessarily Trust that it’s Intuitive Fear. Don’t say, “No, it’s that I don’t need to go.” If you’re just tired that’s one thing. But if you’re afraid, this is a great time to just Push that Edge and Push Through It and go to the party. You can always leave once you are there but if you don’t go, you’ll never know.

End quote.

One of my Besties returned back to Australia after three years in Canada. Love the little 45 second link above. Hanging with her, I had adopted the Australian slogan, “If you Never, Never Go, you’ll Never, Never Know”. Great Wisdom. She and I Volleyed this Advice back and forth regularly. Fun Times.

My Dad has and always had a great sense of humor. Many styles and genres were represented. An abundance of jokes would be shared over the years. A few would be repeated. Whenever there was news of a marital split an old favorite would come out

Up She Goes by David Alexander. Hangs in my foyer.

where the punchline was that the woman was a Good Housekeeper: as in owning the home once the partnership ended. I could not help but chuckle when I fell into the role of Good Housekeeper. Yes, I remained in the home once shared in my marriage partnership. Not that it was a strong desire for me. I loved the idea of packing up and leaving this oversized piece of suburbia with its years of accumulated clutter. My first thought was to purchase a trailer and find a patch of land. Run away from civilization. Get away from it all. It was not long after that I watched “Into The Wild”, a beautiful movie where the main character does just that. To extremes. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it! It is the one movie that I watched twice in a row…and it is a long movie. Came to me at the perfect time…

How did I end up in my little mansion? I call it a mansion as I am more aligned to a compact living space. It is 2850 square feet. Likely not a mansion in most minds but it was and remains all mine. There was a time thirteen years ago where I declared to my then husband that it was time to do a big purge in our 1300 square foot bungalow – love bungalows! He very respectfully put together an argument for a new home: a bigger home. He knew me well and fully sold me on the idea. Market conditions in Edmonton proved our decision was a sound one in retrospect. Yeah! The biggest incentive was the dream of a third child. Each child needs their own room right? This child had not even been conceived. My only stipulation was that I would always want a housekeeper. Not that I did not already have one. As soon as I got married, it became evident that to save the marriage we would need a housekeeper. That is the story I am sticking with. A great Angèle soundbite was uttered at a Art Gallery Artist Show Opening in the spring of 2012. I playfully declared to my friend and gallery owner that “I have not cleaned my house since 1993”. She just roared. Sometimes I forget that other people are unaccustomed to my ways.

Kinda reminds me of…myself.

It was only after her reaction that I realized how outrageous that statement sounded. Truth is stranger than fiction. This was 100% true. For most of those years it was the straight forward cleaning service that comes in once every two weeks. I learned that it was most harmonious to hire an owner/operator. Twice I had married couples cleaning my house. They were the best. Love seeing a man vacuuming the place. The one guy was a marathoner – super fit and really nice.

My foray into creating my reality, manifesting and trusting the Universe to support me began more consciously with the conception of the third blessing, Jean-Luc. I put it out there that I would find a lovely nanny who would allow me to live gracefully with three kids. I have never been too ahead of time in my planning. Once Jean-Luc was born, I started putting it out there that I desired a nanny/housekeeper. Within two months I was united with my sweet dream, Angel (name changed). She was a friend of my mother-in-law’s longstanding housekeeper, also an acquaintance of mine as she cared for a child attending my daughter’s school. Angel fit so well into our family. For the first time in my life, I had help with food preparation, laundry, yardwork … anything, including windows. In the back of my mind was discomfort with the idea of slavery. I had mindfully opted out of the nanny thing with my first two children. I opened myself up to new possibilities for this third go around. I wanted desperately for the arrangement to be win:win. She worked two days per week. I only worked part-time at best and from home. Angel was originally from the Phillipines and was trained as a nanny in Hong Kong. She taught me more than I taught her. She was a genius with folding laundry … even those fitted sheets with the elastic corners. Pure magic. I now know that I was not a good student on the day of that lesson. I am too impatient. My fitted sheets look more like clumps than folded laundry.

Like all things in life. Nothing can last forever. Change is inevitable. Once I separated from my marriage partner, we asked if Angel would mind going to his home for one of the days of the week. She declined. Surprised me. It was amazing how much cleaner a house can be when you get the big boy out. It did not make sense to keep her for two days a week any longer. She had another part-time job that needed her more so reducing to one day a week got us through to one year. Then the fateful day arrived when she quit in the summer of 2012. It had been feeling awkward. I looked at it with blinders on, wondering if the end was near. We could not seem to find a rhythm. I was a retired girl hanging out while she was cleaning. My house was almost too clean. Kids were older now. Cooking less. Etc. Her other job was short staffed and really needed her. That was the story we were both sticking with. It was with a heavy heart but full support that I handed her the last paycheck. I love to think bridges are not burned. I wondered if we would be reunited in time. Her job is nearby. To this day I stop in to give her a hug on a regular basis. Give her some love at Christmas. I am emotionally attached. After seven years, it is no surprise.

So for two years now, I cleaned my own house! Never thought I would say that. I just did not have the energy to look for someone else to replace her. She is irreplaceable. It would do me some good to clean up after myself for a change. It would just be for a little while…

The pampered pooch picks up the mop… about twice a year. Ha ha. One time, I nearly hurt myself doing handstands on a freshly mopped hardwood. Slippery stuff – not wet, just clean. Started to wonder if cleaning was bad for my health. I declared that when I published my writing, I would hire cleaning help again. It was not a huge incentive. I just did not experience a super clean house most of the time. I wanted to teach my kids how to clean. That was irregular at best. If I noticed something, I would clean it. Turns out, I am not all that observant. My first blog post was April 2014. I loosely committed to find a cleaner. So distracted with the new publishing that a couple months passed before I noticed. Hey, where was that cleaner now? I made a solemn declaration to find one. What did I do? Nothing aside from the declaration. This is where it

Just after hired my cleaner, Richard Simmons was offering his services…

gets kinda cool.

Not one week passes. I am doing my thing at my computer when the doorbell rings June 19, 2014. I answer. A lovely owner/operator of a housecleaning service company, originally from South America, was at the door. Her introduction was something along the lines of: I clean at one of your neighbor’s homes and wonder if you are looking for help? Why yes, I am. Please come in. We review the details. Hired. She started June 26, 2014 to come every two weeks with her niece.

I loved it when my daughter inquired: “How does one go about hiring a cleaning service?”

I answer: I am glad you asked. I just answered the doorbell.

I delighted in the fact that I did no more than intend for it to happen.

So I decide to try this again. I would like help with yardwork. Within one week, “ding dong”. It is a young gent working for a yard company. “Do you need any yard or house maintenance help?”

Me: Why yes, I do.

I had received a mailout card that I planned to phone weeks prior. But here was a representative of that same company before I ever got around to it. The next day, the Danish owner is onsite. Hired. Within three weeks, I have refreshed my mulch with lovely shredded cedar, removed 9 trees that were dead or dying, along with weekly lawn mowing and a few other odds and ends. A European gardener, yeah! I find out over time that he works at my parenting partner’s yard too. Small world.

A week or two before the yard care connection, another magical “ding dong”. A story – always. One Friday night this past spring I was dropping my boys to their dad’s. Somehow, my neighbor, also my longtime dentist, texted my parenting partner, instead of me, wondering if I would like help with spring cleaning in the yard. I texted back immediately “yes”. He mentioned a friend was helping with his and would gladly do mine too. I did not realize that the friend was not in the yardcare business. The two friends just rented a power rake? Aerator? I do not even know which power tool was used on my lawn. It does not matter, does it? The very next morning, 9AM, a handsome gentlemen serviced … my yard. I just could not tear myself away from writing. I figured he would not want to be disturbed. I took one sideways glance. A gentleman who is looking after himself quite well was giving me a hand. Nice. I did not realize that my dentist was also in there. Truth is, once again, stranger than fiction. These guys got the job done. Time passes and I remember that I have not paid for the service. I was given the contact info. My mysterious yard helper will catch me sometime. He drops in to his friend, my neighbor, regularly. I expressed I would prefer to meet him rather than just put money in an envelope and give to my neighbor. One miss and finally he caught me by phone to ask if he could drop by. Weeks have passed from the original service. “Ding dong”. Instantly, I detected a friend. I wondered about other yard issues and show him around the yard. I was unclear about whether he wanted more work or not. Maybe he was also unclear. Conversation becomes very authentic pretty quickly. He was on the divorce track too, one year post separation. Long and inviting hug was enjoyed. It came out that my lawnmower was in need of repair so my lawn would not be mowed despite needing it.

He offered to come by the next day as he was doing another in the neighborhood anyway.

I have not enjoyed watching my lawn be mowed more than on this day. I felt obliged to busy myself with trimming a bush. He is really attractive … on many levels. Blooming man. I told him so. A man cannot help but blush at this type of compliment…

It was super cute how he would come to my yard waste container more often than was seemingly required to pour a few grass clippings and then return to the task. I generally just mulch and do not bag but I was not going to tell him. I was biting my hand, in my mind. Maybe my lower lip too…
Funny when I was telling my Backwards Day friend that I had a new friend come over and mow my lawn. He roared playfully, “nice”. I clarified, “No, he cut the grass growing in my yard.” I did not allow myself to be misunderstood. It was still sexy. I learn a new thing everyday.

This time, no money changed hands. We vowed to stay in touch.

I felt obliged to hire yard help after this. He had a lot on his plate, including a full time job. It is my nature to be fiercely independent. Maybe that was stupid? Not sure I wanted yard maintenance neediness to be the bait in creating a romantic relationship. He has stopped by a few times since then but his heart remains with another. In a land far, far away. He was quick to share that he enjoyed a romantic relationship with a woman in the States. She had authentically desired a female companion for him close to home. Her wish preceded our synchronistic meeting by only days. We openly discussed our sparky connection. As much as she initially wished it, she (likely he also) found it weird for him to be mowing another woman’s lawn. Nothing wrong with someone changing her mind. When you love someone, you want the best for them. I can empathize with her intentions to want him looked after when they were geographically separated. But we are all human. I am unaware of a role model for sharing the human heart harmoniously between two lovers. If an example exists, I would love to know it. I did not mind enjoying the magic for the short moment.

I received a text one day when my European Gardener was doing a big project in my yard. My spring clean gardener stated, “I see you replaced me… Lol” My answer was “I would not put it that way. … You will always be my #1… gardener”. Love to flirt! I had decided that I did not want my unkempt yard to add to his already overburdened nervous system. He complimented the more tidy, kept appearance of the front yard… as he drove by. I laugh. Always. He actually did stop in for a quickie… hug that is. Get your mind out of the gutter now. Ha ha.

Let it be what it is. Funny that a psychic reading I had, just for kicks, shortly thereafter saw him as my next relationship. If the read holds any water, that could be fun. Perhaps that was the energy that day. These things can change quickly. I have learned my lesson. Forget chasing guys. They seem to hate that. Makes sense…

I am going with the New Age just be yourself advice. You’ll line up with the right one at the right time. There may be more than one, sequentially. I am completely off of more than one at once kick. I cannot fool myself. I am faithful to a fault. By not more than one, I mean not more than one incarnate human. I crack myself up…
Archangel Michael is my boyfriend these days. Ha ha. I got the idea from an angel intuitive just recently. I will try most things once…

It is working out rather well… He knows me and loves me exactly as I am. He does everything I want to do. He goes everywhere I want to go. He is really hot! He can be everywhere at once so his schedule always matches mine. Geographic location, another of my challenges, is of no concern. Don’t knock it until you have tried it!

faune endormi

The world is a magical place…depending how you look at it. Thanks Smoky!

May 2012 checked off see the Louvre and Paris in one fell swoop. Had an unusual rendez-vous with a statue. It is titled faune endormi by Edme Bouchardon. My assessment was that the energy from the artist got a good grip on me. The statue was my boyfriend for the day. That was a first … and a last. Truth is stranger than fiction. I was also a little crazy. Not really sure how to define crazy these days though. Is it seeing things with a wider view? Heaven only knows.

Love Suzanne Heintz photography showing another experience of a family trip to Paris. Her work has evolved to a movie called Playing House: Chapter 1 sample clip linked here. I had a lot less baggage, let me tell you. Perhaps I fool myself…

A final example how things can just come to you with ease and grace: Mother Meera. She is an Indian woman felt by many to be an avatar: a deity on earth is one definition I found on dictionary.com. I first heard about her over two and a half years ago. I received first hand stories from a man I traveled with in Ecuador. The most inspiring was when he described helping out with building an orphanage. He is an computer guy so physical labor was not a part of his routine outside of his work for Mother. He would feel very fatigued but quickly refreshed after sitting next to Mother Meera for about ten minutes. His physical stamina surprised him as he would work hard all day in construction. He described a beautiful energy when in her presence. That piqued my curiosity. I started following her on Facebook. I looked at her schedule a couple of times and wondered if I would travel to see her in person somewhere in the world. Germany is her home base. In the end, she came to Edmonton. I drove 10 minutes to see her on July 16, 2014. That was easy!

First paragraph written May 29, 2014. Most written July 21, 2014

Some Core Concepts of Bashar. This link is a bit busy but if you are inspired to sift through it a little, there is a lot there. Bashar describes how your excitement is your compass to let you know you are on course. Trust your timing. A very empowering choice in belief is: “I always get what I want. If it is not available now, there must be an excellent reason for this.” Beware buying into the belief, “I do not get want I want” – although it is always your choice. When you follow your excitement in each now moment, this leads to Positive Synchronicity – things magically working out in a way that is delightfully and surprisingly pleasing. A lot of letting go of expectations and control along with not knowing into the future is required to line up with your own magic.

As I have recounted this little string of what I find delightful and pleasing synchronicities to several friends now, one of them replied that these types of things only happen to me. Really? Pity…
My belief is they happen to whoever shares my belief system and follows their excitement. I know there are many others out there. Mine may sound tiny but I have full faith that I am on my path. It is unique to me. Everyone has their unique path so their synchronicities will match that … when they are aligned, following their excitement. Knowing who they truly are.

A favorite saying oft repeated in my mind: The Universe always has three possible answers to your desires. Yes. Not yet. Or I have something better in mind. Sometimes I throw in a “Resistance is futile” when I have doubts about what I am inspired to do.

Went rowing tonight. Last class of an introductory session at the Edmonton Rowing Club, twice a week for three weeks. From the get go, I wanted to try skulling in a single. Had rowed in an 8 man and skulled in a 4 man boat. Continually reminded of the protocol to skull single at the club – takes a while to develop your skills and earn the privilege.

Big giant smile on my face when all conditions led to there being only one boat available for me tonight. You guessed it, a single! Her name was Vision I. I was the only participant who showed up tonight from the class of ten. And there was only one single boat available as many boats were off site due to a competition. I had a private coach in the coachboat as an added bonus. Loved having all that attention.Just another delightful synchronicity where my desire was fulfilled! Will publish Row, Row, Row Your Boat as its own story of my rowing experiences. Lots of fun … and philosophy. Rowing is another analogy for life. Paint me inspired…

The combination of Dave Matthews, Grover and a banjo is pretty magical…and the fact that I am looking for a song to backup this story. Another example of the banjo’s amazing versatility. If you do not know, I have a passion for the banjo – both listening and playing a 5 String Banjo myself.

March is the time of year in Canada when all the amateur hockey players are in the playoffs. It is highly anticipated around these parts. I have two sons who play hockey: one is 9 years old at the Atom level and the other is 13 years old Bantam. The buildup heading into these games differentiates from the regular season play. I enjoy watching hockey games when I can. I do not attend them all but near playoff time, I usually do not miss. This year I am booked otherwise and will miss some. Enjoy what I can. The schedule finds me unable to attend the early Bantam games but the first two Atom games are on the calendar.

The first game started out strong. I saw that the two teams looked well matched. Jean-Luc’s team was playing at a heightened level that I was not familiar with. I was wondering how long they could keep up that level of play. Midway through the first period, they were scored against. Down 1-0. Shortly thereafter, an easy shot slid into the net right off of the face-off. Made it 2-0. Not at all typical: a lame goal by anyone’s standards. It was here that the gentle and gradual deflation of the team begins. By the end of the game it was 6-0. Big disappointment for the boys … and the parents. Sometimes it seems the parents are more troubled by the losses than the kids. This game, I did not notice the parent’s reaction too much. I had completely forgotten about the game once it was complete. My parenting partner was helping JL out in the dressing room so I joined in late. He was coming home to my house. I entered the dressing room to see Jean-Luc untying his skates. He was nearly ready. Then it became apparent that he was gently weeping – trying to keep a low profile by bending over his skates. By chance, his Dad and one of the coaches noticed at the same time. The two men were instantly coming to the aid of the young downhearted player. I was not moved to do anything but observe. His Dad went over and held JL’s shoulders, touched his hair a little. He is a loving father. I am so thankful. The coach, very sincerely, stated that “there are a lot of things to cry about in this world…and hockey is not one of them.” I saw this as a choicepoint. I quite strongly disagreed with the coach’s statement. But…I know his intention was good. I decided to say nothing. I could discuss it in the car ride home later.

I did not wait long before I asked what JL thought of his coach’s statement about crying. I gave good pause…no answer. I went on to explain, gently, that I disagreed with his opinion. I did not think there was anything wrong with crying about hockey. I believe that crying is purely a signal of strong emotion. It is important to feel the emotions that come up. They do not last all that long when you just feel them and let them flow through. Pema Chodron the Buddhist nun states that no emotion felt fully can last longer than 90 seconds. My experience has proven this to be true. Jean-Luc did not say too much but I felt a better mother for adding in these thoughts. I did not say but now add, judging another’s feelings is more about the judge than the judged. It does not seem good human practice in my opinion to tell someone what they do or do not feel. When feelings are denied, they linger in the body energetically. They find ways to show themselves down the line. My hypothesis, shared by many, is that illnesses are born from these repressed feelings.

Just when I thought the experience was done, I received a text the next morning from JL’s dad. He wondered how JL was doing. He was worried about him. I informed him that he was fine. Once he let the emotion run through him, it was all done.

P.S. – An alternative to worrying: Think about the person in question, picture their face and think about how much you love them. Say or think I love you. Repeat for 1-5 minutes. This goodwill will be on tap for the person when they are ready to receive it. It was Matt Kahn who advised, on a group phone call, this alternate practice in the setting of a mother worrying about her son who has Bipolar Disorder. I recognized the wisdom in this advice. Worry carries an energy. When you worry about someone’s condition, it actually, energetically, maintains the person in their condition. Possibly you are worrying about them deteriorating – sending energy their way to this result. Sending “I love you’s” gives the opportunity for transformation. It is vibrating at a different energy frequency. I throw it out there as food for thought. I have adopted it. Love it!!

Wrote March 12, 2014

April 18, 2014

Addendum:

Heartmath Article: The Energetic Heart is Unfolding. I admire Heartmath as an organization helping us translate what was once considered magic in scientific terms. The electromagnetic field generated by the heart is 60 times more powerful than the field generated by the brain. They discuss in the article how one person influences another just being nearby and more powerfully when two people touch. Huge implications in healing modalities. Cannot help but think back to my time as in inpatient in a psychiatric facility. I craved hugs and touch more than anything else. I write about it in the story, “They Would Rather Give Me Ativan Than a Hug”. Will publish soon. Wow… is all I can say.

The inability to establish real intimacy is at the root of all relationship problems that we have today, including the relationship we have with ourselves. Intimacy is knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives. A relationship is two people being received, accepted and loved for who they really are without needing to fix each other. … None of us really knows who we are. Most of us have no idea of who we really are because we have been shamed out of our true selves as children growing up in dysfunctional families in a dysfunctional human society. In order to adapt to our families and society, we have created false selves. False selves that are so good at what they do, even we have mistaken them for ourselves.

She goes on to discuss our emotional guidance system and how society believes that if we each follow ours, it would be chaos. Many societal mantras steering us clear of our own emotional guidance system…aka our own wisdom and feelings. Really like this short talk. I would have benefited from hearing it a couple of decades ago…

Fly Away by Sugarland. Found this home video of a guy flying his model plane being tossed in the wind. Good metaphor for life.

I recently heard it said that the reason we love movies so much is that in our regular lives we are encouraged to repress our emotions. By going to the movies, we feel emotion. We love it! Makes us feel alive. Virtual feelings. The real ones are always there too. No cost. Feel it!

Have you ever had a strong impulse to do something that makes absolutely no sense? It should not surprise you that I have this happen regularly enough. Does everyone? I call it intuition. Myself, I have tended to doubt these strange urges. As I move along, I remind myself that I should not doubt, especially myself. That is the worst thing I can do for my own evolution and growth. These impulses/urges/intuitions serve me – in ways I rarely understand at the outset.

One little example was my urge to read the Joan of Arc story. I finally followed up on this recurring impulse in March of 2012. I wrote this in September 2013 so memory has lost a few details. Where the original thought came from I could not recall. It surprised me how insistent this thought was. Maybe I allowed magical thinking to take me on a wild goose chase…but it was fun!

Having a coffee talk with a friend, Mark Anielski (Economist & author ofThe Economics of Happiness, recommend BTW) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When I mentioned that I was strongly urged to read Joan of Arc, he lit up in discussion of Mark Twain. I guess Mark Twain (many a good quote originates with him, I take notice) had a career long fascination with the Joan of Arc story. Really? Mark strongly recommended that I read The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc by Mark Twain. I really wanted to comply. Mark Twain wrote and then rewrote this work. He felt it was so important.

Being lazy, the first line of attack was Chapters.ca. I saw the choices. The Mark Twain collection was quite expensive. I would like to have seen it in person. I order another version of the story…quite cheap. I was shocked when it turned up and was a graphic novel aka comic book. I laughed my head off. And read it in one sitting. So now I had the bare bones of the story. I did not understand why my intuition thought it was so important. Within days, I was having coffee with a beautiful friend (raised in Russia and culturally Russian, love the unique perspective she gave me). She was adamantly complaining about some books that she had purchased: Classic stories for her sons but they were revised editions. She decided that it was important for her boys to read the classics as they had been written. Hmmmm…. I felt there was a message for me. So I could not take my comic book version of Joan of Arc and call it a day? Guess not. I needed the reminder.

Mark had suggested that I go to a specific Used Book Store and obtain the Mark Twain writings. He had seen it at this store before. OK, I am on it. Urban adventure…
By chance (completely), I chose to do this on March 17 – St. Patrick’s Day. The location of the bookstore recommended to me was in the heart of bar and pub zone of Edmonton. It was a true adventure bouncing off the throngs of people congregating near Whyte Avenue. Many were dressed up in green for St. Paddy’s Day and already drunk mid-afternoon. Who knew Edmontonians took St. Patrick’s Day so seriously?? I stand educated…and entertained. Actually a very good day to attend the bookstore as the book search was unsuccessful so at least there was a twist of the carnival atmosphere. I took my fun as it came.

I was informed at the recommended bookstore that my desired item was sold sometime in the last week. I tried three other used bookstores in the neighborhood. I even peeked into the Chapters store but they did not have it in stock. Later that same day, I purchased it on Kindle. I was sure that I looked there first, didn’t I? Oh dear… I pushed the Easy button right then…”That was easy.” Funny how there is usually an easy way. I ended up there eventually. Lacked clarity perhaps? Maybe a little outing was more fun. Yes! It was my journey… Ha ha.

So I dug into the book and read it in reasonable time. The big take home message for me was Obedience. Joan of Arc was instructed by God and she complied, even and especially when it made absolutely no sense to her or anyone else. Doubts existed but she did not let them dissuade her. The voices gave specific advice along with the expected outcome. To everyone’s amazement, especially Joan herself, the advice proved successful to a great cause. So as the story rolls along, everyone started to trust Joan’s Intell (intelligence, information). Ironic that I wrote a story about trusting my intuition to read Joan of Arc: a story of trusting in one’s intuition. In the Joan story, there was God as the author of the ideas. I am willing to loosen that up a little. Maybe it was not God but Joan herself (same thing in my world but not for everyone), her highest version Self. Maybe it was more alignment to Self/Source than obedience. A story about Alignment. Is that not listening to our intuition? How do we know whether we are getting good, who is to define good anyway, advice? I do not know. But how do we know we are getting bad advice? No idea.

I decided that if I cannot trust myself, then who on earth am I going to give my trust to? Why not trust myself? I could live out following my intuition and learn how to interpret more and more with experience. Sometimes we take our intuitions too literally, to my mind. There is fine tuning required. I cannot think of another way to learn about our own intuition than to start to follow it and see where it leads. We are always free to choose along the way. We can obtain more information if we feel we need it. Push comes to shove, intuition seems able to trump all other forms of decision making. Just read all of the famous stories, watch the great movies, biographies of successful people. How many different ways do we need to hear the same advice? This short story I have written can be yet another.

You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

“We want to be able to tap into the frequency of passion and let that guide us in our everyday life”. Bentinho Massaro

Excerpt from Bentinho’s video:

If you start to use everything for passion now instead of passion then. You start following that breadcrumb trail until they get bigger and bigger without explaining themselves…ever.

Before you know it, you are this ecstatic, expanded being.

You’re on a roll. This has become your new default mode.

Future disappears. Time disappears. You start creating less of the illusion of time for yourself.

You are in a state of magic if you are in a state of passion now.

You don’t need to know what it is or why it is. You just know that it is.

Recommend these words from Lee Harris posted April 25, 2014. I am a huge fan of Lee’s wisdom!

An Intuition Invocation:

I am ready for higher levels of intuition in my life.
I allow the process to move through me at the easiest and gentlest speed for me.
I am excited to see where opening to this part of myself will lead.
If I feel fear, I will allow myself to breathe and drop into the excitement beneath the fear.
I am open.
I am intuitive.
I am listening and sensing.
It begins..

~~Lee, from Intuition and You

That is what I plan to do. What I have been doing these past couple of years. It has led me to right here, right now.