Shock survey results: Britons all stereotypes

Latest Home Office figures suggest that Britain is populated entirely by stereotypes. ‘Everyone has managed to tick some boxes,’ said a spokesman, ‘even the illiterate – though they tended to put a badly-scrawled cross.’

‘In our focus groups, if we asked for one box to be selected they could always do it, even if it took a while; “male” vs “female”; “gay” vs “straight”; exercise – “fitness freak”, “regular”, “occasional” or “channel-hopping counts, doesn’t it?”

‘With this data, every aspect of identity, health, work, lifestyle and finances can be monitored by government, enabling us to tailor policies to benefit those who need it most – the government itself.’

When asked why some people seemed disenfranchised, slipping between the cracks in terms of state care, he said, ‘Those are the coherent group who tick “other” on forms. Quite frankly, they must fit in somewhere, so they are lying. “Other” is a red herring – a catch-all for bolshie bastards who won’t co-operate or thieving illegal immigrants who daren’t fill in real details. Anyone these “other”‘s days are numbered – as, indeed, is their identity.’