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When mustache twirling bad guy, Phineas T. Prune, buys the North Pole and threatens to evict Santa, jolly ol’ Saint Nick has only one option: get the rent money before Christmas! Thankfully, everyone central to the plot lives in the same location. With the help of broke man-child lawyer, Sam Whipple, and a song for every situation you can imagine, Kris Kringle must become the original mall Santa to save Christmas. So, practice your ho ho ho’s, play with some toys, and think to yourself, just think, think, THINK, because this is The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t.

Bill Goldberg loses a game of curling against a dime store Christopher Lloyd and is forced to give presents to children every year on December 25th. After the bet wager is decidedly paid up, Goldberg returns to his historic holiday havoc and flips it into high gear—starting with Fran Drescher. Kicking off our month of “Trashing Through the Snow” with a real shining star upon the highest bough, grab some deli meats, a curling stone, and your grandfather’s book of Norse mythology because your chimney’s about to be blown out by Santa’s Slay. WHO’S NEXT?!

After a bunch of people who aren’t related gather at a remote ranch for Thanksgiving day, they kind of meander around until Jake “The Body” Steinfeld arrives to murder them in a PCP fueled rage. Slip a syringe under your tongue, hide the peas, and get your KISS paint on because we are about to get body slammed by Home Sweet Home.

When billionaire momma, Lara Flynn Boyle, decides to get Baby Bink’s picture taken for the paper, she falls for the most obvious scam of all time and the baby is kidnapped. Unfortunately, the captors lose him immediately. Joe Mantegna, Joe Pantoliano, and Spike’s dad from the Little Giants, star as the dumbest crooks in the world, in John Hughes’ terrible Home Alone rehash. Grab your Boo Boo, sneak into the gorilla pen, and get yourself lathered in some construction site spunk, because this is Baby’s Day Out.

Outworld emperor Shao Khan has sour grapes after losing to Earthrealm in Mortal Kombat, so he interrupts the ending of a much better movie to bring us this huge pile of shit. Using some unexplained magic, Shao Khan resurrects his wife Sindel, forcing Outworld and Earthrealm to merge because the Bible says the Earth was created in six days or something. Johnny Cage is disrespected, Liu Kang turns into a dragon, and Raiden isn’t even Christopher Lambert anymore. Slap on your five hundred dollar sunglasses, ready your animality, and rip out our spine, because we are about to test our might against Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

After Angela invites a bunch of odd balls to an old funeral parlor for a Halloween party, things get out of hand when they perform a seance. They accidentally release an ancient evil that turns the party goers into hideous demons that are down to fuck. This is the quintessential horror movie for the Halloween season, Dumpster Dwellers! Grab your lipstick, some sour balls, and don’t forget extra batteries for the boom box because we are about to be possessed by Night of the Demons.

It’s Halloween night and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s parents are flat broke, so they ask their evil witch of an aunt for a loan. Unfortunately, aunt Cloris Leachman hates the needy and kicks them to the curb, leaving the twins to hatch a crazy plan to save their “full” house (we’re sorry). Meshach Taylor, Phil Fondacaro, and Wayne Robson all join them on a trip down the yellow brick road, to save a woman they’ve never met, from a magic mirror! Schkoozie schkoozie, abra kadabra, flim flam wala wala bing bang bong, this is Double, Double, Toil and Trouble.

Single father Brian Simmons struggles to keep his rebellious daughter from going to the local sleazeball frat’s Halloween party, so he calls his Aunt Madea for help. In an experiment in madness, Tyler Perry brings together obnoxious YouTube stars, bad parenting advice, and a living room scene we thought would never end. Light up a joint and praise Jesus, because we’re about to flatline through Boo! A Madea Halloween.

When a certain evil force looks to possess the laziest fuck up it can find, stoner and general layabout Devon Sawa becomes the perfect host. Why does it only control his right hand? We don’t know! After killing his parents (we hardly knew you Fred Willard) and best friends, Seth Green and Foggy Nelson, Devon must stop his evil hand before it kills Jessica Alba, the only woman interested in his stank ass. So grab yourself some Burger Jungle, rip your Mighty Joe Bong, and cut off just one of your hands, because this is Idle Hands.

We’re kicking this Trick or Trash month off with a flaming jack-o’-lantern full of werewolf shit! Tom Everett Scott and his fuck boy friends head to Paris to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower. Instead they get drunk and save a suicidal Julie Delpy from ridding the world of her violent lunar activities. Unfortunately for us, this movie happens as the result. As a direct sequel to one of the greatest werewolf movies of all time, this is the poster child for studio meddling and running a project straight into the ground. Tie off your bungee cord, rip open a pack of condom gum, and shoot yourself up with some moon juice because we are about to be mauled by An American Werewolf in Paris.

CRIKEY! Steve Irwin is just trying to make a documentary about all the dangerous and beautiful wildlife of Australia, and then a bunch of studio execs tell him no one is going to pay for that, so they make up a shitty story about a top secret satellite that gets eaten by a crocodile. With pointless side plots, a lost fifth Baldwin brother, and the Bumpuses dogs, two completely different films collide into a true blunder from down under. Grab your best sheila, a couple sticks of dynamite, and some anti-venom because we are about to bag and tag The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course.

He’s back and he’s better than ever! Sort of. A year after defeating David Gale, Solid Snake…err Sean Barker is having strange dreams about killing things. It turns out he has another purpose besides being a violent vigilante of the night—hitchhike to Utah and molest an ancient alien spacecraft. Grab a 30 pack of Bud Dry, and some bear-werewolf-rhinoman repellent because we are about to biomorph with Guyver: Dark Hero.

After two idiots reopen the old Angel Grove High School across the street from the site of a legend-laden local homicide, the black and yellow Power Rangers need to face their greatest adversary yet—a dick in a baseball jersey. Co-written by Karan Ashley and co-directed by Johnny Yong Bosch, we all can’t help but have one big question: what the hell were they thinking? Put on your birthday present from grandma, grab that Power Morpher, and make sure you don’t get intimate with anyone because we are stepping up to bat with Devon’s Ghost: The Legend of the Bloody Boy. IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!

When Emily joins her friends on a weekend getaway, her psychotic and controlling husband, Peter, takes a trip to the Black Lodge and decides that murdering them all is the only option. Or something. Send some dick pics, grab that plastic knife your dad used to kill your mom, and follow us as we make a trek through the extremely well lit Dark Forest, eh?

After Sean face-plants into a one-of-a-kind alien armor prototype, he teams up with Luke Skywalker to bring down David Gale’s Chronos Corporation and its army of Ninja Turtles. As a mostly faithful anime adaption, Screaming Mad George and Steve Wang deliver the goods for this beast-beatin’ romp of amazing practical effects. Behold as Jimmie Walker transforms into Jar Jar Binks before your very eyes—and then gets his ass kicked. Also, Mark Hamill turns into a cockroach. The Zoanoid shit has finally hit the fan, so grab your plastic lunchbox filled with bio-booster armor because we are about to transform with The Guyver. DYN-O-MITE!

After a War of The Worlds reject crash lands on earth, its body becomes a quick lunch for a bunch of mosquitoes. And wouldn’t ya know it? The alien blood makes them grow into huge, radioactive, killing machines. It’s up to Leatherface, Patrick Swayze, a biologist (?), Isaac Hayes, and a park ranger to stop the winged menaces from infesting the world. Slather on some deet and lube up that proboscis because we are about to suck on Mosquito.

Sam Harper is a 100% full blooded, grade-A bag of shit. After getting shot down during some “friendly fire” over Kuwait, the military ships his body back to his life-long abusees. His nephew can’t understand why everyone is so down on his uncle after all of his heroic endeavors. That is, until people start turning up dead. Isaac Hayes literally brings out the big guns for this patriotic piece of cinematic trash. Grab some BBQ and light up those fireworks because we are giving salute to good ol’ Uncle Sam.

A creepy, semi-magical being known only as the Metal Fetishist seeks revenge on a salaryman who ran him over while getting a blow job. An experimental art film from Shin’ya Tsukamoto, in the vein of Lynch and Cronenberg, comes a monochrome acid trip into stop-motion fever dreams and bloody body horror. Grab your oil can and mind the dick drill because we’re about to be assimilated by Tetsuo: The Iron Man.

Anthony Michael Hall is a wisecracking cop who literally blows an undercover gig when a diamond-toting scumbag explodes all over a park. The only way to clear his name and catch the real bad guy is to team up with a horny gnome that needs to recharge a life-giving rock by way of our sun. Hang on to your bobos and secure that Lumen because we’re about to tunnel into Upworld aka A Gnome Named Gnorm.

Tammy and Michael are a young couple in love, until Tammy’s edgelord ex-boyfriend feeds Michael to a lion. Paul Walker returns to the dumpster, trading in his Crunch bars for a mechanical dino body. Strap on your cup and grab somebody’s junk, we’re about to bite into Tammy and the T-Rex.

At the end of WWII, a troop of Russian soldiers on a secret mission stumble upon the Langford Lab where Karel Roden is making Silent Hill rejects. Finish assembling your Zombot because we’re about to dissect Frankenstein’s Army.

After stumbling upon an ancient Norse artifact in Pennsylvania, noted art collector and womanizer, Martin Almquist, brings his find to the big city—and all hell breaks loose. With the help of Thor, a prophetic cry baby, and a foul-mouthed detective, Martin’s ex-wife and lover have to bring down the Nordic God of Bad Creature Design. Dig out your Grandpa’s mythological axe, and pack plenty of strawberry PEZ because the boys are Big Apple bound to try and decipher The Runestone.

Tom Arnold rekindles his twisted agenda of sadistic pleasure when Rick Moranis, his childhood punching bag, returns to town to teach a shitty writing class. Masquerading as a comedy, we can clearly see the horror inherent in this off-beat abomination. Meet us at the seesaw at seven o’clock, and bring your piss-filled thermos, because we are going a few rounds with Big Bully.

A group of twenty-somethings travel to Isla Nublar for the rave of the century, but instead find it infested with zombies and light beer. Based on the classic arcade rail shooter and directed by Uwe Boll, even Clint Howard can’t save this movie. Pour one out for Das Boot, because this is House of the Dead.

Little Bridget calls upon the tiny, plush demons that live in her mirror to help save her grandmother because no one loves her anymore. Spewed forth from the black pit of movies from which marketing schemes for toys are spawned, The Hugga Bunch are here for your sweet bone marrow. Pick some young berries and get your mirror nice and squishy because we are about to hug some puppets.

Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans LARP their way into a mess of bad CGI and magic, while Jeremy Irons gorges himself on every piece of scenery he can get his hands on. Based loosely on the classic tabletop RPG, this foray onto the set of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys reminds us that movies based on games are never a good idea. Grab your d20 and your elven boob armor because we are about to roll for initiative against Dungeons & Dragons.

Future scientist, John Hurt, stumbles and fumbles through time in his quest to court Mary Shelly. With the help of Victor Frankenstein and the Delorean, he just might pull it off. This is what Frankenstein fan fiction looks like: Frankenstein Unbound.

When a slew of closet murders go unsolved, up-and-coming reporter and Christopher Reeves impersonator, Richard Clark, travels to a small California town for answers. With the help of Paul Walker, Torgo, and that woman from Days of Our Lives, Clark battles a giant McNugget to save the world. Marking the acting debuts of Paul Walker and Fergie, this film adds nothing to their résumés. Grab your xylophone and a hearty supply of Crunch bars because we’re going on a hunt for Monster in the Closet.

Quentin Tarantino gives us a Japanese history lesson about two rival gangs fighting over Captain Crunch’s lost treasure, in the heart of Nevada during the Gold Rush. J-horror icon Takashi Miike blends the flavors of Akira Kurosawa and Sergio Corbucci…or something. Gather ’round the campfire and grab your chopsticks, because we are about to chew on some Sukiyaki Western Django.

The American adaption nobody asked for! Nat Wolff whines a lot and kills people with a magic notebook he gets from the Green Goblin, while Lakeith Stanfield squats on everyone’s furniture and eats candy. Overstuffed, underdeveloped, and unwelcome, summon your Shinigami and for the love of God put our names in the Death Note.

Poor Ray just wants to do the right thing and of course, no good deed goes unpunished. When a suitcase full of voodoo enhanced snakes turns him into Jason Voorhees, he disposes of the most vapid cast of characters this side of the Mississippi. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see any of it. Make sure you grab your grandma’s Baka and a cold beer because we are about to milk some Venom.

Hide your art, hide your books, hide your wife because the Grammaton Clerics are coming to town! In an Orwellian, post-WWIII future, Christian Bale saves puppies from a heartless government bent on emotionally numbing the masses. Taye Diggs is also there for some reason. Grab your Prozium and your pistol, we’re headed to Libria with Equilibrium.

Time traveling mutants, domestic abuse, and plot holes, oh my! Daniel Baldwin serves us up his best Sarah Connor impression while trying to stop Malcolm McDowell and LeVar Burton from wearing bad hats. With a future so bright that you gotta wear shades, the boys quantum leap into the shit show of Yesterday’s Target.

We’re New Zealand bound for some intergalactic fast-food delicacies with Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste. If your brains fall out during this episode, just stuff them back in and put your favorite hat on to hold them there.