Stages of Marriage

While every union is unique, there are certain phases that most marriages go through. Each has the potential to either help a couple's relationship grow closer and more solid or to pull it apart. What's important to keep in mind is that there is no perfect marriage and no relationship without conflict.

Read the following descriptions of each marriage stage to learn the common pitfalls and opportunities that might present themselves, as well as techniques to uncover unconscious behavior patterns that can get in your way. Don't forget to try the exercises at the end of each stage; they're designed to help both partners experience positive new ways of relating.

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The Newlywed Bubble: The First Year of Marriage

Even for couples who lived together before exchanging their vows, most marriages begin with a period of excitement. Negative feelings are swept aside by the optimism of both partners as they begin to share a future. "Nature takes over in ways that encourage mating to occur...love is blinder than it will ever be again," says Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage.

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These positive feelings help a couple face the often daunting issues of the first year. Money -- who handles it and how it's allocated -- is a key issue for many couples. Time apart versus time together, division of household responsibilities, even who controls the television remote, are among the issues couples must begin to hammer out.

This is complicated by the fact that almost everyone enters marriage with preset ideas of what a marriage relationship should be and often unconsciously tries to recreate their parents' marriage.

Danger: Ideas of what a marriage should be get in the way of true intimacy, forcing you to reenact roles instead of relating honestly to each other.

Opportunity: Acknowledge and let go of your learned ideas of what a marriage should be. Face down your preconceived notions of marriage and you can decide what really works for you, forming a good foundation for the next phases of marriage.

Try the exercise on the next page.

The Newlywed Bubble: The First Year of Marriage Exercises

Try this: At separate times, discuss each of your parents' relationships and how you related to and felt about each family member. (Do it on your own if your husband isn't into it. It will still be helpful.) Therapists call this a "genogram," which is like a family tree with emotional notes. Looking at your separate pasts will often reveal surprising underlying dynamics in your marriage: "a largely unconscious collusion...to restage some version of a family drama," says Scarf.

Questions to ask each other:

How did your parents relate to each other? To your siblings?
Where did you fit in?
Who was your friend or ally in the family?
Who was a problem for you?
What was your relationship like with each of your parents? Your siblings?
What are your family members doing today?

The Honeymoon's Over (The Early Years)

The early years of marriage can put both parties to the test. What simultaneously ambushes us and gives us opportunities to reach a new level of commitment is when we have expectations we're not even aware of. "We believe our partner is going to heal all the losses and disappointments of the past," says Elizabeth Flynn Campbell, a New York psychotherapist. When that doesn't happen -- because it can't happen, the past is past -- we may feel let down.

"The struggle to get him to conform to that desperately cherished fantasy may be initiated at this point -- and lead to a battle without ending, for he wants to be accepted as the person he is," says Scarf. Letting go of that ideal and accepting the person you married is essential to a healthy marriage.

Opportunity: By taking responsibility for your own needs and desires and trying to realize them through your own efforts instead of projecting them onto your spouse, you'll have more chance of getting what you want and avoiding the resentment that goes with unrealistic demands.
Try the exercise on the next page.

The Honeymoon's Over (The Early Years) Exercise

Try this: Make a list of the things your spouse does that irk you and the ways that your spouse disappoints you. Then, look at the list and ask which things you could achieve for yourself. (Don't forget to make a list of his good qualities as well!)

"To go from being a person to being a mother is the major psychological shift for a woman," says psychologist Judith Sills. "And to go from being a couple to being a family is also big." With the arrival of a child, the possibilities for conflict increase. "Your needs zoom, so the chances for disappointment are great," she notes.

The changes and adjustments that come with a baby can be overwhelming. In addition to the time-consuming demands of changing diapers and feeding, questions of who should shoulder which responsibilities, parenting styles, not to mention the issue of making room in the relationship for this seemingly all-consuming new priority, can all become battlegrounds.

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Becoming parents triggers new sets of unconscious expectations, both about child-rearing and about yourselves. Unless both partners try consciously to create their own parenting style, there is a tendency to reenact the same roles as their parents. Most men don't have fathers who cared for them when they were babies, and it's often easier to fall into the role of "workaholic" while the mother assumes the "nurturing" role. This can lead to the situation that Dee and Al found themselves in. "The more I push Al to be a father to our children, the more time he spends at work. I feel totally alone and isolated, and we never talk any more. I get angry, but I guess it's what I expected."

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The child may also become an unwitting partner in an emotional triangle as resentments and unresolved problems slink out in strange forms. "Our son is constantly getting into trouble; I'm sure that's because it's the only time his father really pays attention to him."

Danger: Preprogrammed ideas of parenting roles interfere with forging a marriage and family style that works.
Opportunity: Create a strong, healthy family that encourages all members to grow as individuals in a loving, supportive setting.

Try this: Read and discuss child-rearing books (see next page) to break out of scripted roles and find effective ways to deal with your children's stages of development. Agree on family rules (never let children play one parent against the other) and consider having a weekly family meeting to discuss problems.

Children heading off to college, a woman's return to the workforce, retirement...even happy changes can shake up the equilibrium of a marriage. Probably the toughest change to assimilate in traditional marriages (male as breadwinner; woman as homemaker) is when the roles shift. When a woman goes back to work after being a homemaker (especially if she becomes very successful), or a husband loses his job or retires, the couple has to readjust their expectations of each other. "Zack's heart attack meant it was time for him to retire. With our kids out of the house, I had decided to return to work, which provides us with affordable health insurance. I'm loving it...I've been promoted twice and am feeling great about myself...Zack had a really hard time at first, and he keeps joking that he's a kept man," says Ellie. "I think he's starting to understand that I still need him, even if I don't need his earnings!"

It's not always so easy to accept shifts in the status quo. "It can be a howl of outrage from one partner when the other changes the fundamental agreement," notes psychologist Judith Sills. This is especially true if the change is voluntary. Caroline and Ernie both had well-paying jobs. "Based on our two incomes, we'd formed this shared idea about...the future," says Caroline. "But since my daughter was born, I've had a change of heart. I don't want to return to my job after my maternity leave; I want...work that will allow me to spend more time being a mother." Her husband balked at making that financial sacrifice, and they are struggling to find a solution that suits them both. "Working through this conflict will take them to a new place," says psychotherapist Elizabeth Flynn Campbell. "How she feels about her marriage will evolve out of that process."

At the other end of the life cycle are couples whose children are leaving the nest. "This can be a most rewarding phase for spouses if they have mastered the developmental tasks posed at previous stages of their relationship," says Maggie Scarf. But without the distraction of the children, they may be forced to confront themselves and their own relationship."

Danger: Faced with stress and change, couples often withdraw from each other or blame each other for their own dissatisfaction.

Opportunity: Change can stir a relationship into a new phase of intimacy as well as free each individual to develop in new ways: A traditional breadwinner who retires may be able to be closer to the grandchildren; a homemaker who returns to the workforce may enjoy achieving in a new arena.

Try the exercise below!

Life Changes Exercise

Learning to interact as separate people is the goal of this exercise, as presented in Scarf's book. Set aside one hour. Each partner has exactly 30 minutes to talk about goals and fantasies; the spouse and relationship are taboo subjects, and the listener is not permitted to respond. No discussion (on the topic of the goals) is allowed for at least three days. "This breaks the usual blurring of personal boundaries that often happens in relationships," says Scarf. Rules of the game:

Each spouse gets 30 minutes. No more, no less. When listening, no response is permitted. The relationship and your spouse are forbidden topics. No discussion of what has been said is permitted for at least three days.

If you're not sure what to say, here are some sentences you can complete to get you started: