Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The first presidential debate took place last night. So far
there has been no word on moderator Lester Holt’s condition after being run
over by both candidates.

The first presidential debate took place last night. If
Donald Trump sniffed one more time while talking, Hillary was going to give him
her remedy to keep from catching pneumonia.

The first presidential debate took place last night. At
least it started as a debate. About half way through the last few letters of
“debate” were changed to turn it into “debacle.”

Donald Trump has been endorsed by the union representing the
country’s immigration officers. Mostly because the workers like the idea of not
having to chase any more immigrants through the Arizona desert once that wall
is built.

A woman at an Austrian airport was discovered to be boarding
a plane carrying her dead husband’s entrails. Apparently it was a mixup, that
she misheard it when someone told her planes were responsible for all the
contrails.

A report says roller coasters could be used as a way to
treat kidney stones. Mostly at Disney World where a person with kidney stones
is forced to wait in line three hours for a ride, by the time they get to the
bathroom the resulting pressure would be enough to take out a boulder.

A report says Congress wants the TSA besides airports to
secure travel on trains and buses as well. Which sounds unnecessary, as even
terrorist groups can’t find any recruits who can be talked into taking a trip
on Amtrak or Greyhound.

Researchers say that sex makes men more likely to be
religious. Especially the ones who believe if they live a good life and pray
enough they will one day have the chance to be with Kate Upton.

Researchers say that sex makes men more likely to be
religious. Especially when they are in bed with a woman who spends the whole
time yelling “Oh, God!”

A lawyer says Mexican drug kingpin El Chapo is being
tortured in prison. To which most people around the world when hearing the news
said “So, (yawn) what’s for dinner tonight?”

A study says the U.S. is falling short of its goals to cut
pollution. Especially at last night’s presidential debate where there was a
enough hot air emitted to melt the ice at both poles.

A study says the U.S. is falling short of its goals to cut
pollution. However, it’s just a matter of time before China and India take our
last few remaining manufacturing jobs and we won’t have any more of those smoky
old factories to deal with.

China’s self-proclaimed most charismatic philanthropist is
being accused of falsifying and exaggerating his donations. Which means if
China is anything like the U.S., he will soon be announcing his candidacy to be
their next President.

A blind hoarder in New York was discovered to have lived
with her dead son for the past 20 years. Being blind, she says she just thought
he had been watching too much TV and really needed to take a shower.

Soccer organization FIFA is being criticized for disbanding
their anti-racism task force. Apparently they found there is no racism in
soccer, that no matter what their ethnicity soccer officials will take just
about any bribe they are offered.

The FBI says that violent crime in the U.S. was up last
year. Which they say could have been even worse except that the Trump and
Clinton campaigns agreed to never hold their campaign rallies simultaneously in
the same city.

A report says Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf will walk away
from the bank with $100 Million even if he is fired over the phony accounts
scandal. Which means these scams will keep on happening until the banks get rid
of their phony executives.

A report says Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf will walk away
from the bank with $100 Million even if he is fired over the phony accounts
scandal. The sad part is that Wells Fargo customers don’t even have a combined
$100 Million in their real accounts.

The man who invented the 401(k) retirement account says he
created a “monster.” Mostly in that his plan put the idea into the heads of
millions of people that they would be able to save enough in their account to
someday actually be able to retire.

Social media site Snapchat reports it now has 60 Million
daily users. Which explains why unemployment numbers are going back up as there
are now at least 60 Million Americans who have nothing better to do all day
than post and look at selfies.

A forecast says that if Donald Trump becomes President,
stocks will tank. Which is bad news for the 300 wealthiest Americans who are
the only ones with enough money to still be in the market.

A forecast says that if Donald Trump becomes President,
stocks will tank. Others disagree, saying if they survived last night’s
presidential debate there is nothing that can bring them down.

A report says that Mylan’s profits from their EpiPen medical
device are actually 60% higher than they told Congress because they used a
37.5% tax rate in their example. Which everyone knows is 37.5% higher than the
rate any corporation pays in taxes.

Wells Fargo employees say the bank was pushing phony
accounts even before 2011. Which makes sense since no one had enough money to
put into any real accounts since Wells Fargo helped crash the economy in 2007.

A report says marijuana arrests in the U.S. have fallen to
the lowest level since 1996. People were surprised. Who was still dumb enough
be caught by the police with any pot on them after the 1960s?

A push is on to make drone racing an Olympic sport. If that
doesn’t work there is still beer bottle cap tossing, hacky sack and foosball.

A study says that 90% of U.S. teens don’t get enough
exercise. The other 10% still get in some activity when they are running down the
hallways trying to keep the local bully from giving them an atomic wedgie.

A study says that 90% of U.S. teens don’t get enough
exercise. The other 10% don’t get any exercise at all.

A study says that morning sickness may be a sign of a
healthy pregnancy. Except when the daily throwing up happens after the baby is
born and is a result of the hospital bills starting to arrive.

A study says that teens with a good diet tend to gain less
weight as adults. Which is good news for all three of the U.S. teenagers who
still eat healthy.

A study says sitting for three hours or more a day is
responsible for 433,000 deaths every year around the world. Especially when the
sitting is being done by hospital workers who are posting on Facebook instead
of looking after their patients.

San Diego is going to make a miniature version of the city
as it was in the 1950s to make Alzheimer’s Disease patients feel more
comfortable. Or they could just wait until Donald Trump becomes President and
the entire country goes back to 1957.

A study says happy people make their spouses healthier.
Mostly because the last thing the unhappy ones want is for their spouses to be
able to make them miserable for an even longer amount of time.

A study says a blood test could help doctors tailor
treatments for patients with depression. At least until the blood test results
show that they have Hepatitis C, the Zika virus and a drug-resistant strain of
gonorrhea.

Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas were trapped in an elevator in Los
Angeles for more than four hours. It would have been a much shorter time but
firefighters made them sit and listen to elevator music for three extra hours
saying “How do YOU like it?”

“Dirty Jobs” star Mike Rowe says he almost shot down a drone
until he thought that he might be labeled as an “angry B-list celebrity.”
People were surprised. When did Mike Rowe get moved up from the D-list?

Former WWE star Kurt Angle says at one point he was taking
65 Vicodin pills a day. Who did he think he was, a typical WWE fan?

Former WWE star Kurt Angle says at one point he was taking
65 Vicodin pills a day. And that was just to deal with the way he felt after
telling someone he was in the WWE.

A California law will prohibit IMDb and other sites from
revealing the age and birth dates of celebrities. The only problem is the sites
can still give away how old they are by listing the number of plastic surgery
procedures they have had.

Journalists at the presidential debate were hit with a $200
bill from Hofstra University to use the school’s Wi-Fi system. Which was gladly
paid by reporters so they could spend their time there keeping themselves awake
playing Pokemon Go.

Microsoft has committed to running its data centers off 50%
renewable energy by 2018. Industry experts think that is a bit of a stretch.
Mostly because they don’t think Microsoft has a chance of keeping their doors
open through the middle of 2017.

Microsoft has committed to running its data centers off 50%
renewable energy by 2018. Although that still isn’t as good as any computers
that run off Windows Vista that have sat there without using any electricity at
all since 2007.

A British insurance company says 2.5 Million Lego bricks
have been flushed down English toilets. Which is nothing compared to what has gone
into British plumbing over the years from a population that regularly eats
haggis.

Scientists have discovered a new species of ants in the
vomit of a poisonous Ecuadoran frog. Researchers celebrated the find by asking
themselves “We went to college for eight years to look through frog vomit?”

A paper says the world’s oldest melody at was found in Syria
dating back 3,500 years. Apparently its original use was the theme song for
Larry King’s first radio program.

A paper says the world’s oldest melody at was found in Syria
dating back 3,500 years. The bad part is that the composer is suing the writers
of “Blurred Lines” for copyright infringement.

A fertility Fitbit reportedly shows women when they are the
most fertile. Which is usually right around the time they go on a date with
Kevin Federline.

A fertility Fitbit reportedly shows women when they are the
most fertile. Then all they need to do is drink enough alcohol, wait nine
months and they have a baby.

Donald Trump lambasted Hillary Clinton for attacking his
path to success. How dare she criticize the time-honored tradition of
inheritance.

Green Party nominee Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra
University campus after trying to be included in the presidential debate. To
which most viewers said if only they could have done the same thing to Hillary
Clinton and Donald Trump.

A poll says Americans are less sure they will vote in the
presidential election. Mostly just so they can rest more easily knowing they
weren’t responsible for whoever is the winner.

A poll says Americans are less sure they will vote in the presidential
election. In fact, people are so unsure they are ordering bumper stickers that
say “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted For ____________(fill in the blank).”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from
the world of sports that I am sure you have heard by now. Golfing legend Arnold
Palmer has died at age 87. He was the King and although many other greats have
come and gone, none will surpass Arnie. Part of the reason I took up golf was
because of Palmer. He showed that even if you had a less than perfect swing and
didn’t come from a wealthy background, you could make it in golf. If you were
Arnold Palmer. I read all the time where the Silicon Valley billionaires are
investing a fortune into medicine so they can increase their life expectancy to
be able to spend all their money. Let me tell them something. If Arnie wasn’t
able to live forever, no one will. Although he will be immortal in the minds of
anyone who has ever picked up a golf club. What better person to idolize than a
millionaire sports star who still got in that old Pennzoil tractor for a few
laps around the course? RIP, Arnie. You are already missed. Which means all of
you need to make sure to yell “Fore!” when you remember to take the time today
to keep on sending the love!