Thursday, April 1, 2010

[Name of Book] was a compelling, gripping read. The characters were relatable, fully realized, and nuanced. I especially like the [adjective] of [name of character]. The plot was [laudatory adjective] and kept me enthralled through all [#] pages, making this a riveting page-turner of the highest caliber. I would recommend this to all fans of [genre].

If you always use this template, think of the time you can save writing your review! But make sure you include one really quotable quote – wouldn’t it be awesome to be name-checked in the paperback release?

Oh and of course, you can also save time by just copying the publisher summary – no matter that it is about 12 times longer than your actual review.

2. If you’re not really a positive person, you can also take the opposite approach: major snark! The best is when you read snarky reviews of a book on another blog and then request it from the publisher so you can outsnark all the snarksters. Bonus points if you insult the author and list their home phone number. Authors love to get prank calls!

3. Can’t be bothered to write reviews at all? That’s ok! Just do a weekly post listing all the fabulous review books you’ve been sent. And hey, don’t think of it as bragging or spreading blogger envy…it’s still free publicity right?

4. Another way to avoid writing those pesky reviews but still post a lot is to participate in memes. Just one or two is NOT enough. You want to post at least once a day right? Or maybe even 3 times a day to show everyone what a serious blogger you are? Because of course everyone is interested in what you ate for breakfast, what color your personality is, or that you have two fluffy white cats.

5. Author interviews allow you to incorporate meaningful bookish content on your blog, but who wants to invest all that time in actually researching the specific author? A great short-cut is to ask every author the same exact things – and make sure you ask a lot of questions (25+) and make them really obvious like “Where did you get your inspiration?” or really banal like “What’s your favorite type of mushroom?”. The more obvious the question, the more likely the author has answered them before. Then they just have to cut and paste! Everyone wins!

6. If you want a ton of loyal followers, overload on contests. Make it so you have to be a follower to enter your contest and then make those people work hard for their prize – the more hoops they have to jump through for extra entries the better. It helps you weed out those lazy entrants who don’t deserve to win anyway.

7. Speaking of contests – they don’t have to be for books that you’ve read and want to recommend because you think they deserve a wider audience. Let your blog be used as a billboard for anyone willing to donate a book, good or not.

8. Want to increase your blog hits? Stir up drama! Write discussion posts that are inflammatory in some way to get the comments hopping. Pose as an anonymous troll and insult yourself. See who comes to your defense – those are your true friends.

9. Speaking of comments…if you really want to get the cream of the crop and not just any riffraff “great post” comment, sign up for a commenting platform that makes your reader have to sign up for it too in order to comment. Additionally, make sure to enable comment moderation AND word verification. The more time it takes for a reader to comment, the more it shows they really care.

10. Take this post seriously ;)

Anyone have any other great tips they'd like to add that I might have missed? Let's hear 'em in the comments!

L-O-V-E this! You should publish a how-to guide. And then offer it to bloggers who don't really want to blog, but want free things. And make it a requirement that they host a contest for it, but only pass it on to other bloggers who don't give a shit. It could be never-ending; you really only need publish one copy... ;p

Always ensure that you publish your book review on the same day as everyone else. Other bloggers love it when they can see multiple opinions of the same book on the same day. Try to ensure it is a new book that no one else has ever heard of and make sure at least 100 other bloggers are signed up to post their review on the same day.

To give them even more pleasure ensure that you give away copies of the book, giving entries only to those people who write a new blog post about the book of choice that day.

Great post! Number five is my favorite. It seems like all interviews are so formulaic. When I first started blogging I tried conversational interviews, fail. Now I've moved on to themed interviews. I am curious to see how it works out.

11. Publicists love to hear from bloggers. Make sure you email them everyday requesting books for review. So what if you don't like the genre or never plan on reading the book, they don't care, it's not like they have hectic schedules.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!! I think it fits for those that love to shove it down our throats on how well liked they are, but they really aren't. Those that basically kiss author's behinds and promote themselves endlessly without shame and then cry about it when people don't like them

Lorin - I was thinking of adding that...but honestly, I haven't come across a blog in a long time that still has the crazy audacity to play music upon entry. Of course, I do keep my mute button on most of the time.

That was a great post. I just hope everyone realizes you aren't serious. I was a little disappointed though as I was hoping for REAL advice. Oh well. I'm not making any of those mistakes so I guess I'm okay.

Number 4 really bothers me, especially those who do the same meme every week and there is absolutely NOTHING else. Why would I want to read your blog?

Sharonlovescats #13 is annoying too. There are some "top" bloggers who's blogs I only read in a reader because it makes my computer freeze to load their blog. I'm not sure if I should say something to them or not.

LMFAO!! I'm so glad you posted this, LOL ... most of your points have been vaguely circulating around my head for a few weeks now ... we all heart the big bloggers, but we all know that, as much as this may be an April Fool's thing, there's at least a teeny tiny smidgen of truth behind it :P

I completely missed this one. I'm so behind the times, but a flooded basement will do that:( Very funny, and reading it today, I was like WHAT?!?! (yeah the April's fool thing didn't register with me.)

LOL.. I love your post. It was a hilarious April Fools Joke. At one time or another I have felt that I was jumping through hoops to enter a contest or giveaway. Even though I enjoy the blog posting I have not entered the contest because of all the hoops..LOL..

Thanks Lenore, I was feeling a little down today so thank you for the laughs.