Thursday, May 28, 2009

My mom and little sister found this in a mall parking lot being attacked by mockingbirds. I kind of want to attack it, too. With kisses. Not just regular kisses, but tongue kisses because that's how cute she is and also because she is a kitty (when in Rome, right?). And is it just me, or does she look like the couch?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I tried to watch free online episodes of Dancing With the Stars tonight on abc.com, but a message popped up telling me I needed to download their plug-in first. This was their sales pitch. And you know, I kind of love them for it.

For my potential last night on earth, I gathered a few friends together for an ironic dinner at Olive Garden. After many bottles of Sutter Home were consumed, we sojourned to the Times Square Madame Tussauds wax museum to molest some statues. Joining me were my girl Sara and another friend who asked not to be identified because he (uh, or she. you never know. going on the clothes alone it could also be Ellen DeGeneres) takes care with how he portrays himself to the public. As you can see, this is not a concern of mine.

The best part of the museum is the American Idol section where they let you karaoke before a wax Simon Cowell and when you're done, the house deejay hits a button and one of Cowell's pre-recorded withering comments comes over the loudspeaker to crush your dreams. It is absolutely fantastic and I forgot about it entirely until I woke up the next day and found a card in my purse reading

WE'VE RECORDED YOUR AMERICAN IDOL PERFORMANCE OF:

(the blank filled in with handwriting) 'Midnight Train to Georgia'

Present this card to the host to purchase a custom DVD, complete with titles, them [sic] music and STARRING YOU!

We were being filmed????? Hilarious. Sara informs me that TLC's "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls" was also given its due. Go there, man.

Fauxbama

The next day I have the following conversation with my friend on the right...

Me: Who is that guy in the red shirt with us in the Hulk picture? Is he part of the display? I must have had more wine than I realized.

Friend: That I don’t remember him is also a red flag.

I'll be with you in a minute, Evander.

I have a suspicion the Victoria Beckham also freelances in the '80s wing as Michael J. Fox.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Against my better judgment I'm going skydiving tomorrow afternoon. It's for my book, obviously. Why anybody would voluntarily engage in an activity that can make your breasts look like upside down cereal bowls is beyond me, so I'm amazed I convinced my friends Jessica Coen, Chris Rovzar and Bill Schulz to come along with me. In honor of our adventure I emailed the three of them this photo.

This may even be better than the time she told the court, "I meet so many people. I don't even know some of my friends' names." I can't decide. It's like making me choose which of my two mentally impaired babies I love more.