Monday, October 26, 2009

I have the battle going on in my head... One of the many battles that go thru my head on a daily basis. (there is acutally a war going on it there made of many different battles... maybe that is why I get so many headaches?!)

anyways.

A battle of life. A battle of right and wrong.

I am a Christian. I don't hide the fact. I am not a perfect person. I do not think I am any better than anyone else becasue of it either. I am still learning. I make plenty of mistakes. I am still weak. And the devil still sometimes wins the battles and I stray down the wrong path.

But the thing is. I have faith. I am amazed at time at my faith. I know God has a plan for me. I know that Jesus gave up his life for mine and for yours. I have faith that no matter what is going on in my life. No matter how great or how horrible, I know that God is there. That he will see me thru it all. That everything I go thru will make me into a better person as long as I take the right path and I have faith. I belive that it is the hard time in your life, that bring you closer to God. I know that if I hadnt been thru some of the hard times in my life, I wouldnt be who and where I am today.

The most recent battle going on in my head is this: I am a Christain. My boyfriend is NOT.

2 Corinthians 6:14 (New International Version)14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

He has come right out and told me he believes there is a God, but he has no faith.

I don't really know what to do. I do love him. But he is not a Christian. I know God brought us together for a reason. Maybe for me to show him the Glory of our God? But I do not know how to do this. I dont know what to say or what to do to help him to believe. I have tried to get him to come to church with me... and sometimes he will (tho he did more before we were a couple). I have tried to get him to come to bible study with me and he did once. When I have mentioned it again... it was pretty much.. when he is ready he will go again... but when will that be.

So my battle in my head is what do I do? What is it that God wants me to do here? How am I do handle this situation?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Dear Diary,I am sitting here with my daughter watching a movie that we have seen over and over again... and I start thinking... about my life about the life I want. I feel like a childish little girl thinking the way I do. I am thinking about my prince charming. The man that is going to sweet me off my feet.. the man who will take all my pain away. The man that will make me happy. Is this just a fantasy that will soon dissolve like so many other one? Is it wrong to want that type of love or even thinking that type of love is possible? Is that type of relationship even possible? Where a man and woman have such a deep bond and a deep love that they can get thru anything. That both are mutually happy 99% of the time? Where the relationship is equal. Where the man is willing to do for the woman as much as she is willing to do for him? I just want a companion. I want a man that will be there for me no matter what. That when I am sick or depressed or whatever, he will be there for me, he will help me and make me better. He will be there for me and for my kids. He will help me. period. Is that to much to ask for? Just to be loved? To be cherished. To receive what I give?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dear Diary, I am home sick today with both of the kids. Ugh. I have a headache and a sore throat and am just tried. Baby girl actually slep thru the whole night last night and didnt get up till about 930 this morning. I think that is the longest she has slept in at least 6months if not longer. Baby boy was complaining last night that he wasnt feeling good and again this morning. Noone had a fever but no one feels all that great. So I figured with swine flu going around and everyone in our lives being sick with something we should take to day off and just relax. Or at least try. With 2 kids there really isnt any resting for me at all. :-( I wish that I had someone here that would take care of me while i am sick... I texted the bf and asked if he was planning on coming over. Of coruse he isnt. I guess I just assumed that since I wasnt feeling that great today that he would come over tonite and help take care of me or something... but I guess not... Then the surgery center called me to talk about payments since I havent reached my deductable yet on my insurance. I owe the full amout which is over 500 dollars... so I can either set up a payment plan with them which is about 98dollars a month or apply for care credit care. Ugh. Why does it always have to be difficult. I wish I had a partner in everything. A man that was my husband and was here with me to help me thru everything... We could do things together... High point of the day... well last night... I fixed my toilet. Thanks to my stepdad coming over the night before and showing me what needed to be replaced. I went down to home depot and got the part and fixed it!! yeay! it works!! Then I also replaced my shower head. So I am glad those two things are done... Once I am off of here I plan on going and taking a nice long shower... if the kids let me anyway.I feel like since I am home today that I should be doing something... cleaning... rearranging... something... ggrr... I hate not doing anything... I am starting to worry about my job too. I am not really sure what is going to happen with it... and even tho I dont care for it... its all I got. If I lose my job, I am screwed. I have no one to help me pay the bills or nothing... I guess I am just in one of those over thinking type moods today. I want to rearrange my family room... but I dont think that is something that I am going to do today. I need help moving my tv... it is too heavy and normally even if something is too heavy ill figure out someway to move it... but I am too scared, it would be just my luck that I would drop it or soemthing and boom.. no more tv. (that I am still paying on)My parents are in Florida this week. So I have to go over there and let the dogs out everyday. This weekend I am thinking of making it a kid weekend. Go to a halloween walk on friday, get and carve pumpkins on sat. Have a movie night and/or a fire. Go on a hay wagon ride... I just hope this weekend is nice so that I can do all these things with the kids. This week so far has been beautiful. So I really hope it continues to this weekend. Im gonna go read the weather report...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I realized a couple nights ago that I have a fear of being left. I would like to say I can blame that on my daugthers father since he is the one man that did the most damage to me emotionally and mentally. But sadly it was soemthing that I feared long before he came into the picture. I remember a guy I was dating quite a few years ago. A great guy, treated me good, loved me to the best of his ability but whenever we went anyway, if he drove, I had this fear that he would just leave me at wherever it was we were. He had never done this before, nor even acted or threatened that he would. Yet, It was a fear of mine. Then the other night while I was in the shower, my boyfriend was over and that same fear came back. That he was gonna leave. This time my fear wasnt that I was going to be stranded somewhere, it was just he was going to leave me, that I would get out of the shower and he would be gone. He's never done this nor acted/threatened like he would. Yet, as I showered I half expected him to be gone when I got out. Now me being the over thinker that I am, I started trying to rationalize this fear. and the only thing that I could even think of was my father. Now my father never abandoned me, my father never negleted me. But him and my mother did divorse when I was 7 or 8 years old. He moved out. He left me. I never knew till that moment last night that it effected me at all. I seen my father every other weekend and talked to him almost nightly on the phone. He was still in my life. But he still had left. The other explaination that I had for this was that the Lord is preparing my heart and my mind to help with my duaghter. She is goign to be 3 in a month. Her father is barely in her life. In the last 4 months he's seen her 2x and one of the times was for 5 min. She is going to grow up with issues because of it. She is going to feel left or abandoned by her father and maybe even feel that its her fault or that she is less than perfect and thats why her father didnt want anything to do with her. It is the same with his other 3 daughters. None of them see their father. And I know at least one of his beautiful children wonders why, and to a point blames herself. Asks me why does my daddy hate me? Why doesnt he love me. I try and help and comfort her as much as I possibly can, but I do not understand it either. I do not understand how a man can leave and forget about something that he helped create. I just pray that maybe one day he will wake up and realize his failure as a father before its too late. I know God has me in the situation that I am in, that He has me feel the things I do, so I can better understand others and be there to help others thru any type of issues that they may be. I know that I over think and over analyze everything that happens in my life so that why I have a clearer picture on life and on Him.

Friday, October 16, 2009

For at least the last 5years that I can remember everyonce in awhile I would get this overwhelming feeling of love... and normally when I felt this, I would immeidiately text my friends and tell them that I love them... or my boyfriend at the time...Today at work, I am just sitting here and I got that feeling againg... but along with that feeling... I heard a voice say: thats not the love for you friends that you feel, its the love of God and the love for God. Wow. It is amazing that it took me this long to figure something so simple out.

Dear Diary,Its been one of those weeks... If I am gonna go grey... this week definetely added a few extra (hundred) strands... and really I am not sure exactly why.I think it started with my ex m-i-l being on vacat this week... She gets my son from school on Thursdays... so with her being gone.. I had to try and rearrange the scheduling.. which nomrally wouldnt be an issue.. I just would take a late lunch and I would pick him up myself... but I have a doc. appt.. that unless I want to go in at 645am on a Sunday.. I cant reschedule. So for some odd reason, this just screwed up my whole thought process for the week. My bf and I were having a few issues too.... not really sure where its going.. but I guess we will see... Tuesday had a Tastefully Simple training... till late... having a Purse Party on Friday.. so been trying to get everything together for that... I think I am just waaayy over thinking everything... But I am hoping this weekend is going to be a good one... I am hoping that the party on Friday turns out pretty good... (esp. cuz I need the money)... that Saturday is relaxing and S's father actually comes and picks her up. and that Sunday is relaxing too.... I guess time will tell...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My friend came to me with a small issue of her heart and her conscious...

She has a boyfriend of about 2 months now.. if that... and she is quickly realizing.. he is so not what she wants or is looking for in a mate... Hes much older than her. doesnt want his own kids tho loves hers. doesnt give her the love she needs. But they get a long great... they have the perfect conversations... the first time either of them has had that in a relationship.

lately she has been thinking about an ex. he's single and has said that he still loves her. she still loves him but their breakup was very bad on her and it took up till 6 months ago before she could even talk to him. they dated about 3years ago for a little over a year.

But she feels guilty that she is even thinking about another man.. she feels this is a sin... even tho they are not married.. she is committed to him.. she wouldnt cheat for anything... physcially anyway.. but is she cheating emotionally? mentally? She feels like she is breaking commandments cuz of her thoughts...Shes committing emotional/mental adultery.She coveting another man.

Shes torn about her feelings...

I think it is wrong that she is staying with a man that she is not completely happy with. I think it is wrong that she is with this man and attaching herself to another emotionally to another man. i think she needs to make a clean break and figure things out about herself.. her future.. and her ex.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I completely belive that is true... I know there have been time when I broke up with one person because I thought being with someone else would be so much better... and it wasnt so much better.. there were issues there.. but there were issues i could deal with.. so the grass wasnt so much greener.. it was just a different shade of green.

I was reading another blog about how this girl was dating this great guy.. He was practically perfect in everyway... but there was something missing... something just not right in the relationship. And she didnt exactly know what to do .. stay with him cuz everything else was perfect... or move on... she decided to move on...

I think if you are not married (marriage is totally diff. ill go into that in amin) just dating.. sit down with the person and see if you both are on the same level... trust your instint... if nothing changes.. then maybe its time for a change and you need to move on... the grass may not be greener on the other lawn... but it might be a different shade and it might be a shade you are adequate at seeing in the perfect light.

Now for marriage... yea the neighbors lawn may look greener... but the thing is.. you bought the house... its for life... get out the fertalizer... plant some flowers... may take a little bit of time for them to bloom... but it will.. but marriage is for life... you just need to put the effort in and make the yard perfect... in your eyes.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Help Us RememberHeavenly Father,Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single motherwho worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man whocan't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in thesame spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us,the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dear Diary,Why do I over think everything so much... Why do I over react the way that I do? I havent exactly been fair to my BF... I have expected the worst from him... and even when he had shown me good... I still see the bad. I blame a lot of this on my ex.. but over all I am the only that can be blamed for any of it. My BF overall is a great guy.. sure there are things about him I dislike... but you will have that with any relationship I guess. I don't know... Since my husband... I dont feel I have been in a normal relationship. They were all one sided... where I was the one having to give up things to make the other happy... I was freaking out yesterday because I didnt hardly hear from my bf all day (even tho he was sick and slept most of the day)... I automatically assumed it was cuz he didnt want anything to do with me...or something... Today he did take me to lunch (tho i do think it was cuz my friend -male- took me yesterday lol).. is planning on getting us dinner... and is even planning a weekend away to a murder mystery weekend at a hotel... aawww... why do I always have to assume the worst. Why do I always have to think that I must not be good enuf for him to want to be around me? Ugh. being a girl. lol.

Dear Diary.GRRR my ex m-i-l gets on my nerves sometimes... Sometimes me and her get along so wonderfully... and then other times... I just wanna pull my hair out. She's a great woman. And our relationship is a lot better now than it ever has been . But sometimes I just dont get it. I just called her to find out if we would be able to switch day that she gets my son from school. She normally gets him every Thursday for one on one time. (which i really appreciate and I know he enjoys it too). So I asked if she would be able to trade one Thursday for the Wed. of that same week. Trick or Treat here is that Thursday... she hemed and hawed... it was her birthday... She finally said yes.. but with hesitation... The thing that bothers me.. is that in a few months.. March exactly... My sons father and his family - m-i-l included are going to Florida on Vaca... right over my birthday... when I had originally mentioned this to her... She acted like oh well.. its just a birthday... who cares.. you can celebrate the weekend before or after... not a big deal... What the hell.. Why is my birthday not a big deal... but her's is??? GGRR..

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dear Diary, So a friend of mine called me last night for advice. This is something that was weighing heavy on her chest and she needed a lil advice... I really wasnt sure what to tell her... Her Story:T was married at the time. She is now divorsed but not for the reason from this story. He husband worked 2nd shift and she first. So they didnt get to see much of each other during the week. Her neighbors (L) husband used to stop by and hang out with T in the evening or nights, especially after L went to sleep. Everything was cool. Then one night L's husband kissed T. They made out. Gropping was involved. That was it. That was the end of it. T made sure she was busy most of the time when L's husband would wanna stop by or anything. Years have passed. Both L and T are divorsed now and are very good friends. Back when the issue happened. They new each other, hung out from time to time, but werent super super close. Now T is trying to figure out if she should tell L about what happened with her husband YEARS ago or if she should just let it go. If she tells she might lose a friend. Cause more issues for L and her husband. L might go and tell T's ex-husband and then there will be issues there.

I am not really sure what to tell her. Is she just wanting to tell L because of her own personal guilt she is feeling? Is it worth telling T? Will it make a difference to T that her husband cheated with her friend?

Monday, October 5, 2009

Well the weekend has come and gone.. and I can't complain too too much. It was good and not so good.. so I guess just the normal type of weekend. :-)

Friday afterwork had a great talk with the bf. I had been having some issues with my own insecurity and stuff. So we talked about it and got most if not all of it worked out.. (for now). Then had dinner as always with the family, then off to target with baby girl and my bff. Spent too much time and too much money in there. lol. Afterward, stopped by the bf job to give him the gift that I had given him, then headed home.

Saturday morning was up plenty early by baby girl :-) Went and got my massage.. OH so nice! very relaxed afterward.. not exactly as much as I was hoping for... but still good none the less... I definetely reccommend : Massotherapy Arts Center in Elyria, OH. Afterward called the bf and decided to stop over there for a bit and hang out. He rearranged his apartment, so it was cool. Afterward went home and got ready. Headed to the bridal shower. Which was very nice. I am so happy for my step sister and her husband. Straight after that I had to run to my dad and stepmoms house- my daughter decided to mess with Papi (my dad) tv.. and he was not a happy camper.. he couldnt get it to work.. Did that, got gas and headed to my friend Pam's house. Met up with Ashley and her friend and then headed off to go see Lecrae. It was AWESOME!!!

Sunday wasnt as good.. I woke up in a sad type mood.. I text my daughters father to make sure he was still coming to get her... he replyed... and I completely misread it... totally wrong.. and I went off on him. I thought he said he wasn't going to be home and wasn't going to get her. That is what I was expecting. That is the way he normally is... He has seen her once in a 3months time... So I over reacted and because of my reaction, he took it as I wasn't gonna let him have her and made other plans... So totally felt like a complete idiot... ugh. After church I went and hung out with my bf at his work for a lil bit. It was kinda fun... It was good to keep my mind off things for awhile... Afterward, I went home and cleaned and orgainized some and read some till the kids got home.. then went to my moms for dinner. My bf came over after that.. and I put the kids to bed (which was complete hell). We watched a movie and went to bed.

All in all it was a pretty good weekend... Hope the week is great and the weekend is greater!! :-)

Friday, October 2, 2009

I am going to try and make this blog slightly more personal.. Not just in regards to my relationship issues or those relationship issues of ones close to me... but to make it a little bit more "me" .I have a super full saturday that I am looking forward to.Massage in MorningBridal Shower in the afternoonConcert in the eveneing.

Sunday- Church and then my duaghters father is supposed to get her.. so I will have a day alone!!! that is a rarity in my world!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I have come to realize... I need to feel important in my life..In my relationship right now... I don't feel like I am of much importance... kinda like in my job I have right now.. I don't feel like i am important.

In my job, I didn't realize i felt that way till yesterday... I actually had something that I was needed for. I mean granted it wasn't something that anyone else couldn't have handled, but it was given to me to handle.. and I did. It felt good. It felt good to be needed.

In my relationship, I don't feel important. I joke that I feel like I am not so much a girl friend, but I am just a glorified friend. I dunno. Maybe I am wrong.. Maybe its just me. But I have never felt like this in any other relationship. I have never had to question my worth. Even in a relationship where I was pretty positive the guy was cheating on me... He still made me feel like he wanted to be around me, like I was meaningful in his life... Right now, I don't feel like that with my boyfriend. Ex: Yesterday, he spent the day with his cousin and his friends... I barely heard from him. I did in the morning when we seen each other driving past... and then when I would text him, he'd reply back. But that was pretty much it... till I went to be and finally got him to call me... and talk just for a few moments because all of his friend were down stairs.. So that was it. And this isn't a first time. I always feel like when he gets around his friends, I am a past thought in his mind... it used to not be like. When we were first dating, he would always text me when he was out with his friends, he used to text me and tell me how much he cared about me, how great I am, etc... We have only been dating for 3 months... Should this have changed already. He is always telling me (normally after I say something) that he does love me very much, he does care about me, that I am very important to him... but if he doesn't show it... words are meaningless...

Am I wrong for wanting him to text me more, to act like he actually is thinking of me, that he is actually still deeply in love with me?Am I wrong for feeling like I am not important?Is this just the way a relationship is??

I have never felt like this in any other relationship... the guys have always text me thru out the say or called me or had some kinda interaction with me thru out a day... on a daily basis. Is it wrong for me to want that?? I feel like he would be completely fine not talking me an entire day...