London, England – ‘Sick as parrot’ hardly does justice to the look on royal gold-digger Kate Middleton’s face at discovering the identity of just whose Christmas present this year is the world’s newest, biggest, most awesome billion-dollar superyacht, code named ‘Project Azzam’.

Cherie Blair’s Italian ho of a daughter and her pug-ugly JK Rowling/Tony Blair-farrowed gargoyle husband William were out pimping their stuff at a Buckingham Palace diplomatic reception this week when a canny Arabian Gulf envoy tipped them the wink.

“That gold-digger sparkle suddenly went right out of Kate’s diamond tiara,” a Palace source commented, “one of the many baubles purloined against all Royal Protection Racket police advice from the crown jewellery collection.”

Avaricious royal benefits scrounger Kate really thought she’d blagged her way into the hystery books channeling the United Kingdom’s future Queen despite spawning a love-child with David Cameron, now known to be the Canadian ‘entertainer’ Justin Bieber.

Now Little Miss Bigamist – to give the UK Fraud Squad’s pet name for Robert Maxwell’s arsehole granddaughter – is in deep shit as plans progress for the ‘Project Azzam’ superyacht’s London debut in time for this year’s Christmas festivities.

Expect plenty of tears around this year’s Winter Solstice as the magnificent, billion-dollar ocean-crossing palace heads for London’s Royal Yacht Marina.

Plenty of space in HMP’s Belmarsh Jail women’s wing promises one of the most scintillating Yuletide festivities ever as warders prepare the Middleton suite.