I used to work in Jacksonville. Them folks don’t like other folks coming to town to tell them to sit down and shut up. If the crowd is actually people from Jacksonville, I expect they’ll cheer, boo, or whatever, if they feel like it. If they are a bunch of transplants or college kids, they’ll follow meekly along.

Florida isn’t a southern state, except by accident of geography. Jacksonville, though, is a southern city. Or it was last time I was there.

He already has 20 delegates, 7 of which are binding. And he’s only … let’s do the math real quick … 1,124 shy of securing the nomination. Unless the 13 non-binding delegates jump ship. Even then he’s still only 1,137 delegates shy of wrapping this whole thing up.

Rick Santorum, meanwhile, only has 12 non-binding delegates. That means he has to get all of 1,132 delegates and hope none of those 12 go elsewhere. Unpossible, I tell you!

Look at the numbers! 1,124 is less than 1,132. There’s no way Santorum can get such a large number in so short a period of time. And Romney? That small number he has to achieve and he’s got months to get that total. Unstoppable, I tell you!!

And don’t even get me started on how far Newt Gingrich or Rick Perry has to go. They’re both 20 delegates behind Romney.

Twenty!!1!!!!

But for the rest of the GOP field? Give it up. It’s over. Pack it in, fellas. There’s no way Romney can be stopped. He’s a juggernaut. Which is like an astronaut, but with jugs. Or maybe I’m thinking of something I saw on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Doesn’t matter. Romney can’t be stopped!

The Republican establishment is ready for you to come on board. The media is ready for you to come on board. They are ready to accept your support of Mitt Romney.

As the vote in Iowa approaches, the Republican candidates are turning up the heat on each other. Newt Gingrich had some not-so-nice words for Ron Paul, according the National Journal:

“I think Barack Obama is very destructive to the future of the United States. I think Ron Paul’s views are totally outside the mainstream of virtually every decent American,” Gingrich said Tuesday in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer.

Could he vote for Paul? “No.” If it came down to Paul vs. Obama? “You’d have a very hard choice at that point.”

So, if it were between Obama and Ron Paul, who would you vote for? I’m leaning Obama there; he’s a known entity and can at least be bullied into doing what’s right. Ron Paul would just stand back while nukes are launched at us and say, “We had this coming for abandoning the gold standard!”

Then there’s Mitt Romney, who seems to be every conservative’s last or next-to-last choice. He compared Newt Gingrich to the I Love Lucy “Chocolate Factory” sketch:

Appearing in Portsmouth, Romney noted a statement that Gingrich’s campaign director compared the former House speaker’s recent inability to qualify for the Virginia ballot as a setback comparable to Pearl Harbor from which the campaign would recover.

“I think he compared that to Pearl Harbor? I think it’s more like Lucille Ball at the chocolate factory,” Romney said in reference to the famous I Love Lucy skit in which the comedienne was overwhelmed by a rapid assembly line of candies. “You’ve got to get it organized.”

Newt Gingrich is making some news because he told someone at a campaign event to vote for Obama. Really.

Okay, here’s what happened. At a Gingrich rally in Oskaloosa, Iowa, a gay Democrat Obama supporter got into a “cordial” one-on-one with Gingrich, that ended with Gingrich telling the questioner to support Obama:

Gingrich: “I think those for whom the only issue that really matters is the definition of marriage, I won’t get their support. I accept that as reality. On the other hand, for those to whom it’s not the central issue in their life, if they care about job creation, if they care about national security, if they care about a better future for the country at large, then I think I’ll get their support.”

Q: So what if it is the biggest issue?

Gingrich: Then I won’t get their support.

Q: How do we engage if you’re elected. Then what, what does that mean?

Gingrich: Well then you engage in every topic except that.

Q: Except it’s most important (some crosstalk).

Gingrich: Well, if that’s most important to you then you should be for Obama.

Q: I am, thank you

Now, personally, I’m fine with what Newt said. I’m not talking about my agreeing or disagreeing with his stance on gay marriage. I’m talking about his standing his ground and telling the gay Democrat Obama supporter the same thing he tells his own lesbian sister. That’s unusual for a politician to tell someone “go vote for the other guy.”

But, apparently, that’s not what a candidate is supposed to do. A candidate is supposed to pander to all the little piss-ants and ass-clowns that crash a campaign event and come up to him. The candidate is supposed to say whatever it takes to make them happy — even if the clown is going to vote for the other candidate anyway.

Newt Gingrich isn’t doing that. And I like that about him. But, of course, standing firm and not backing down for what you believe is a bad thing, to hear the media, Democrats (but I repeat myself), and most other Republicans and their supporters talk. Except Ron Paul supporters. They like that their candidate has been consistent for years. They don’t like it when Newt Gingrich is consistent. It shows how much he’s part of the establishment … though all of the Washington establishment has come out against Gingrich.

Wait. We’re looking for someone who the Washington establishment doesn’t like? Yet someone who knows how Washington politics works? And someone who can balance a budget? And someone who, when he makes a mistake, can admit it? Even big mistakes?

I better stop now. I’m finding that I’m liking Gingrich more and more. And I don’t think I’m supposed to.

Isn’t that what was said about Herman Cain, who was the frontrunner for a while?

Isn’t that what was said about Newt Gingrich, current frontrunner, when most of his campaign staff deserted him this past summer?

Isn’t that what Ron Paul supporters say about every other candidate?

Isn’t that what every other candidate’s supporters say about Ron Paul?

This is where Donald Trump screwed up. When most of the big names declined to show, he canceled. He should have invited the lesser-known candidates to show up. Who knows? We might be seeing Jimmy McMillan or Vern Muensche leading in Iowa.

We need to have a debate where all the candidates show up. That would be interesting. Imagine hearing this exchange:

Chris Wallace: Mr. McMillan, how would you handle the threat of a nuclear Iran?

Jimmy McMillan: The rent is too damn high! I say it again, the rent is too damn high!

Gary Johnson: Let me add, Chris, that the war on drugs has caused the rent to rise.

Buddy Roemer: The high rent favors the 1%.

Chris Wallace: Can I just go back to asking questions of Newt and Mitt? Please?

That would be fun. But perhaps I’m being unfair to Chris Wallace.

Plus, we could actually have Obama there in a dunking booth. Whenever there’s a question about Obama, the participant can either answer the question, or get a ball to throw at the plunger, trying to dunk Obama in a tank. With sharks. With frikkin’ laser beams.

We would be glad to sponsor such a debate, as long as someone else will pay for it, but still put our name on it. Here’s what we need: a venue, a moderator, and a panel.

There was a Republican Debate or something in Iowa last night. I think it was on the cable.

I don’t have cable. I watch all my TV over the Internet. That’s how the cool kids do it, anyway.

Not having cable means no Fox News Channel. Sure, there’s a Website or something I can go to, but not having a channel already set up on the Roku makes it easy to decide to just skip the debate.

Besides, there’s always the Twitterz.

The Twitter feeds are always much more fun than watching a bunch of politicians stand around and make smart statements (Newt Gingrich & Mitt Romney) or stupid statements (RONPAUL!!!1!!). Besides, I’ve already picked out who I’m voting for: Not Obama.

Maybe I should go through the trouble of watching the debates. After all, one of those men will be the next president. Okay, I shouldn’t eliminate Michele Bachmann from that. Unless I want to be realistic. And I do. So, one of those men will be the next president.

Ron Paul (RONPAUL!!!1!!1!!) said something stupid. He also said some smart things. And, I’m sure, some of his idiot supporters will stop by here and tell me all about the smart things Ron Paul (RONPAUL!!!1!!11!) said, or why the stupid things Ron Paul (RONPAUL!!!1!!11!) said are really smart and I’m a corporate tool or something. Oh, and FEDERALRESERVE!!!1!!

Newt stepped in it early on, but got better, and by the end of the debate, was rolling along.

Romney said some good things early on, then said some stupid stuff, and had leveled off by the end of the debate.

Rick Perry showed a bit of a sense of humor, said some okay stuff and some not okay stuff.

Huntsman was there. Or Gary Johnson. One of them. I’m not sure which. I don’t think anyone else was sure, either.

Rick Santorum was there. I think he brought the bean dip.

I mentioned Michele Bachmann. She lit into Gingrich a few times. He didn’t unhinge his jaw and devour her, but thought about it.

The Fox News moderators asked some good questions at times, but were trying to prod the candidates into fighting each other for much of the time.

If you watched the debate, let me know if I didn’t sum it up accurately. Because, as I mentioned, I didn’t watch the debate. I didn’t have to. The accuracy of my summary shows that.

Now, does this mean the debates are useless? No, not at all. It’s a good way to get smart people and raving lunatics in the same room and watch the fun. Like a reality show.

I’m thinking if we can do this every week and ask Ron Paul a bunch of foreign policy questions, he’ll eventually get an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy. Maybe that will be a good consolation prize, and he’ll let one of the candidates with some smarts run for president.

Anyway, I didn’t go through the trouble of launching a browser on my TV setup and watching the debate. I have a large supply of Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVDs to go through, so I did something productive with my time.

Maybe I’ll watch the next debate.

Nah. I have Joel and the ‘Bots watching Manos. Told you I was one of the cool kids.

You see, I’ve been going on and on about how, no matter who the GOP nominee is, we need to support him. And some of you get your panties all in a wad about that.

“I’m not ever going to support Mitt Romney!”

“I won’t vote for Rick Perry!”

“If Sarah Palin isn’t the nominee, I’m not voting!”

“If Sarah Palin is the nominee, I’m not voting!”

“Ron Paul is nuts!”

Okay, that last one is okay. But still, nuts as he is, he’d a darn sight better than Barack Obama. But some of you are saying you won’t support this guy or that girl. Well, now Herman Cain sounds a lot like some of you people. Maybe he’s pandering to the panties-in-a-wad crowd.

I don’t care for that. I suspect Cain will backtrack, and soon. He’ll come up with some statement that sounds like some crafted statement talking about how we can disagree about important issues, but still have the same overriding goal: defeat Barack Obama and return competence to the White House.

But what should he say? Or, better, what should he have said to Wolf Blitzer’s question, “Could you support Rick Perry if he were the nominee?”

Against Obama? Of course. Hell, Wolf, I’d support you over Barack Obama.

I fully support Rick Perry for vice-president.

I would support Rick Perry if Zombie Reagan turned down the nomination.

Nine, nine, nine.

Not if he was the Democrat nominee. Has he switched back to being a Democrat?

That’s a stupid question, Wolf. What do you think I’m going to say? That I wouldn’t support Rick Perry? Do you think I’m stupid?

Atlanta businessman Herman Cain announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

And we were there! And by we, I mean me. Frank J. is, like, a long way from Atlanta. Sarah K too. And Harvey. (Actually, I don’t know that they would have been there anyway.) But, since Atlanta isn’t all that far from me, I was there. And now, you were there, too!

The GOP has unveiled “A Pledge to America”, listing their agenda when they take back the House. It’s pretty good, but I can think of a few things to spice it up and really help the Republicans win in November:

MORE PLEDGES FOR AMERICA

* Our nation’s borders will be protected by giant robots.

* Foods will no longer get FDA approval unless they contain bacon.

* To help stimulate the economy, people who whine about the rich will be fired out of cannons.

* We will have a new manned mission to the moon and build a libertarian utopia there.

* We will keep reducing the federal government until it can be run out of some guy’s garage.

* Anytime there is a tax increase, one of the people who voted for it will be randomly chosen to be a human sacrifice to Moloch, god of taxes.

* Obamacare will be destroyed, and all perpetrators of it will be hunted down and forced to battle to the death in the Thunderdome.

* Any new spending increases must receive written permission from all voters.

Many Republicans … certainly many conservatives … have said we need another Reagan.

Some of the same ones say that the GOP needs to clean house, replacing liberals and moderates with more conservative candidates.

I don’t disagree with either. And they are not mutually exclusive. But many are going about it the wrong way. And I’ve been guilty, too.

The conservative movement needs someone like a Ronald Reagan. Perhaps he … or she … is already there, just not yet fully realized. But, I have faith that it’ll work out.

The other piece of the puzzle is getting conservatives in office. In Florida, for instance, everything is pointing to Marco Rubio winning the Republican nomination for Senate over that state’s governor, Charlie Crist. And that’s a good thing, since Rubio is the true conservative in that race.

But we need to be careful. We don’t need to be criticizing Republicans already in office that aren’t conservatives. You know. RINOs. Like GOP chairman Michael Steele. Or John McCain. Or Lindsey Graham. Or…

Now, I might be ruffling some feathers when I say don’t criticize them. Because those Republicans are often criticized by other Republicans or conservatives.

A few weeks ago, I got a “Second Notice” from the Republican party. As I mentioned then, I’ve never been a member of the Republican party — or any political party, for that matter. So, why do they send me things that are written as if I’m a Republican? Probably because I sent money to two presidential candidates (Fred Thompson, then John McCain) this past election cycle.

Or, so I thought.

Turns out that there may be another reason. What’s that reason, you ask?

I’m glad you asked. The reason seems to be: they’re idiots. Or incompetent. Or incompetent idiots. Suffering from idiotic incompetence.

Why would I say such a thing?

I’m glad you asked. Even though it does seem that you ask a lot of questions.

I got another letter from the Republicans. Yay!

This one, though, is not just a “SECOND NOTICE,” as was the last one proclaimed in big red letters. This one came in one of those envelopes wit a big window on the front. Like you get from, oh, maybe the IRS or something.

And, it came with “OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN PARTY DOCUMENT – DO NOT DESTROY” above my address, clearly visible though the envelope.

And, it contained

NOTICE:
This SURVEY DOCUMENT IS REGISTERED IN YOUR NAME and must be accounted for upon completion of this project. If you choose not to participate in this crucial Republican Senate Leadership Survey, return this Survey Document at once using the postage-paid envelope provided.

Well, now. Isn’t that just special.

And, the pages of the form remind me of a Form 1040.

And, at the end, there was a place where I could fill out how much money I’d send them. Just like a Form 1040.

I haven’t received such an official document since Ed McMahon died.

Now, I certainly appreciate the appearance that they really care about what I think. But, I did a little checking on the Interwebz, and find they’ve been doing silly stuff like this for a bit. And, the thing is, they’ve been sending these out for years. And to many, manyleft-wingidiots.

Now, that makes me wonder: are they still just mailing stuff out to people that they don’t know who they are? Probably.

But, let’s imagine they’ve worked out all the bugs about who they mail these things to. The whole “official document” thing and “do not destroy” thing is … silly.

Or scary.

Depending on who does it, I suppose.

For instance, suppose I mailed out a bunch of things like that, and you got one. You’d think I was silly.

Then, suppose you lived in the Soviet Union in 1980, and got such a thing from The Party. Not so silly then. More scary.

And that’s the thing. The arrogance. Telling me I got to send this form back or account for it or something.

Now, I’m thinking about doing a YouTube of me burning it or feeding it to a goat or something.

This is why I’m not a Republican. I hang around smarter people than that.

Which explains why I steer clear of Democrats, too. And why I throw Holy Water at Ron Paul supporters.

I’m undecided about whether to do anything at all with this survey. Would my response really make a difference? Even if it didn’t, if I thought this was a meaningful part of the process, I’d participate.

So, what have I learned from this? Nothing. I already knew that the Republican party did silly stuff. Like help elect liberals and moderates, neither of which do anything useful.

Anyway, they’ve now spent all the money I sent them, asking me to send them more money.

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