Blown Away

“I couldn’t believe my luck, it was the first time a woman had ever offered to perform oral sex on me without asking for payment up front,” explains thirty-six year old Lewisham IT worker Maurice Wickler as he describes his first night with his new Russian mail order bride. However, his pleasure was quickly to turn to terror. “As she progressed with the act, I started to feel this pain in my scrotum – I looked down to see my testicles inflating to the size of tennis balls! At first I thought that maybe it was a normal part of the experience, after all, I have heard it called a ‘blow job’!” Wickler became increasingly alarmed as his testes continued to balloon. “I tried to force her head back, away from my genitals,” he claims. “But it was no good – she had a grip like iron!” Finally, the inevitable happened, and Wickler’s testicles exploded messily across his duvet. As he writhed in agony, screaming for help, his Russian bride fled into the South London night. Scotland Yard detectives hunting the woman – known as Katya – are warning that she could represent the vanguard of a major new terror threat. “We believe that there could be hundreds, possibly thousands, of these girls ready to infiltrate the UK from the former Soviet Union in the guise of mail order brides,” opines Detective Chief Inspector Ron Grommet of the Anti-Terrorist Branch. “We believe these girls are the products of a KGB training programme from the Cold War, designed to produce a phalanx of deadly assassins who could seduce their way into the beds of top Western officials. We believe that, strapped for cash, they could now be sub-contracting their services to Al-Qaieda!” Grommet emphasises that ‘Katya’ – currently suspected to be posing as prostitute in London’s West End – should be considered highly dangerous. “Under no circumstances should the public’s members approach her,” he says. “They should be particularly suspicious of any offers of cheap oral sex, and immediately report them to the nearest police officer, who will, of course, take the matter in hand.” Wickler believes he may have been targeted due to the sensitive nature of his job. “I input lots of confidential data for an employment agency. They probably believed that if they took me out they could paralyse offices all over South London by cutting off the flow of essential temps,” he told us from his hospital bed. “When I picked her from that on-line catalogue, I never suspected that there was anything amiss! Of course, I selected ‘Katya’ for her intellect, although I was a bit surprised that a nuclear physicist would pose topless and want to come and live in a council flat in Lewisham!” Doctors, who were unable to save Wickler’s testicles, are now pinning their hopes on a transplant. “Unfortunately, we don’t get many bollock donors,” says a hospital spokesperson. “The only other alternative is plastic prosthetics – cosmetically, his scrotum will look normal, but he’ll never be able to ejaculate again!”

In the wake of Wickler’s ordeal and the subsequent police hunt for ‘Katya’, there have been numerous other reports of so-called ‘Terror Totty’ causing chaos across Britain. “I met her on one of those internet bridal service sites,” says Wally Humper of his mail order bride, Svetya. “She said she was a rocket scientist who had been made redundant a result of cuts in Russia’s space programme. All of her photographs showed her looking demure and wearing glasses, so I wasn’t prepared for what happened when she arrived!” Indeed, upon entering his Hartley Wintney bedsit, and completely without warning, the thirty-nine year old’s new bride threw aside her glasses and pulled off her raincoat to reveal a black leather bondage outfit. “Before I knew what was happening, she’d torn off my clothes and manacled me to the bed,” recalls a still distraught Humper. “I just couldn’t stop her, she completely took control! Next thing, she was straddling me and forcing my terrified penis into her vagina! It had a grip like steel – I thought my member was going to pulled off!” Humper found himself subjected to a seven hour long sexual ordeal, forced to repeatedly ejaculate whilst the Russian she-devil used his body to pleasure herself. “It was a horrible experience, she was on top of me, moaning in ecstasy, her naked body glistening with sweat, whilst I had to lie there pretending to enjoy it,” he says, his voice quavering at the memory. “If she thought I wasn’t going to perform, she ‘punished’ me by burning my nipples with cigarettes! I don’t know how I managed to keep my erection up! Towards the end, ejaculating was agony, but she wouldn’t let me stop!” By morning, an exhausted Humper found himself bent over a table, his wrists and ankles tied to its legs. “I watched in horror as she strapped on a huge dildo and proceeded to take me up the jacksie,” he whimpers. “It was the most painful experience of my life. I begged her to stop, but she kept telling me I was enjoying it really!” Humper’s ordeal continued, as Svetya proceeded to insert a variety of objects up his rear passage, including a beer bottle, a cucumber and even a melon. Finally, his tormentor put back on her coat and glasses and swept out of the flat, leaving Humper tied to the table. He was eventually found by his mother, who, worried that he hadn’t arrived for Sunday lunch, called around to the flat. “You can’t imagine how humiliating it is for your own mother to discover you stark naked, tied to a piece of furniture, with a melon stuck up your arse,” declares Humper, who fears that his rear end may have suffered permanent damage. “It sounds like the QE 2’s foghorn every time I fart now!”

Chief Inspector Grommet is convinced that ‘Svetya’ is another of the dangerous Russian female insurgents. “Like Mr Wickler, Humper held a position vital to national security, driving a minibus which transported defence workers to and from the nearby RAF base at Farnborough,” he says. “Disturbingly, an eyewitness reports having seen a woman matching Svetya’s description boarding a Farnborough-bound bus on the High Street in Hartley Wintney early on the morning Humper was discovered by his mother. Even now, some hapless defence employee could be strapped to a chair being relieved of his secrets through sexual domination!” However, not everyone is convinced that the women are part of an Al-Qaieda terror offensive. “Aren’t all these reports of so-called ‘Terror Totty’ just based upon the pathetic blubberings of social inadequates who feel emasculated in the face of a sexually emancipated woman?” asks leading feminist writer Jemima Lube. “This is just another attempt by the ruling patriarchy to demonise liberated women! Next thing you know they’ll putting curfews on us and issuing ‘control orders’ requiring all women to stay at home and concentrate on their ‘proper’ duties!” The alleged activities of the Terror Totty’ have even been welcomed in some quarters, with some commentators hoping that they represent the vanguard of a new feminist revolution. “It’s about time the old sexual order was swept away and we started taking control,” says Molly Larro, author of seminal feminist sexual manual Behind the Beef Curtain. “I’ve always said that until we start taking control in the bedroom, we have no chance of taking control in the boardroom. These women are a shining example of sexual empowerment!” Grommet believes that the ‘Terror Totty’ could prove an even greater threat to the UK if they do turn out to be feminist sexual warriors. “If they succeeded then the entire natural order of things would be reversed, it would be utter chaos,” he muses. “The terrorists could just walk in and take over! With every British man tied to a bed having his brains shagged out, we’d be utterly defenceless!”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.