How to make friends as an adult...and why you need to

There are times in life when it's difficult to make friends – or even find time for those friends we do have. This is particularly true during periods of great change, like becoming a new parent. It's easy to get wrapped up in a new baby and feel you have no time for anything, or even have anything in common with childless friends anymore. Plus, you're so utterly fatigued that even though you know your social network is shrinking, you feel powerless to do anything about it. It can even happen during a divorce – the other day, a client who was splitting up with his wife said to me: "When were at each other's throats, I avoided my friends. I can see now that that was a mistake. In bad times, you need your chums more than ever."

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We all have periods when our friendships suffer, but if we're aware of what's happening we can take steps to make sure they don't last too long. And we really should – because many scientists, medics and psychologists now believe that a strong social network is good for our health.

At a recent science conference in Cheltenham, Robin Dunbar, professor of experimental psychology at Oxford University said: "The most important thing that will prevent you dying is the size of the social network."He's not alone in this belief. Over the past 20 years, a growing body of evidence has emerged suggesting that our friends may play a part in keeping us healthy. The long-term Kungsholmen project in Sweden – co-ordinated by Professor Winblad and Dr Fratiglioni – concluded: "An extensive social network seems to protect against dementia."

And other studies have shown that social isolation can be more life-threatening than obesity, and it's as bad for us as smoking. Research also shows that lonely individuals develop a metabolism that makes them liable to inflammation, which can contribute to heart disease, degenerative disorders in the brain and some cancers So, what better time than now to ask yourself: how many friends do you have? Do you have enough? And are they the right sort?

How to do a friendship review

It might seem a bit calculating, but many of us would benefit from taking a hard look at our social contacts. As the years pass, we change, develop and grow – and so do our friends. This can mean that someone who was once the ideal mate may no longer offer the right sort of company and companionship. We've probably all got friends who are a strain or a drain on our spirits. Can the friendship be of any real value if we keep thinking: I really ought to get in touch, but I don't want to?

So, what can you do? I suggest going through your address book, diary, and all of your social media contacts. List everyone you think of as a friend, and give them a rating as though you're reviewing a film or a hotel. Then ask yourself if you're seeing enough of the people with the top ratings. Sometimes you can't, of course, due to distance or other circumstances. But chances are, there are likely people whom you really like but hardly see at all, while you see others who are less important to you rather too often! No one wants to be callous, but for your own good you need to limit contact with negative people in order to free up space for other friends who energise and enthuse you.

How to make new friends

There's no doubt that the best way to make new friends is through an activity that you love. If, for example, you're keen on dancing, go along to a class and the chances are that you'll make new and lively pals. If your passion is walking or cycling or amateur dramatics or singing, join an association that will help you not only pursue this hobby, but introduce you to like-minded people who might well become new mates.

Another source of friendship can be found in events connected to what you do for a living. You may belong to a number of professional associations – in my case they're mostly organisations which support journalists or psychotherapists. It's easy to fall into the rut of just paying your subscription and reading the occasional newsletter without ever going along to meetings with other members. This is crazy when you think about it. People who are in the same line of work have the potential to make great friends.

Another good way of making new pals is by involving yourself in a volunteering project, or in politics at a local or national level. But remember, new friendships can take a while to develop, so don't expect to feel as comfortable with someone you've just met as you do with old friends. A new chum could be the perfect person with whom to have a coffee, or walk round an exhibition, but may not necessarily be someone you want to reveal your deepest secrets to. And that's not a problem – there's no harm in having different friends for different activities.

Don't swap social media for real friends

I think going on Facebook or Twitter a couple of times a day is one of modern life's great pleasures. But it's important that we don't use social media as a substitute for actually meeting up with friends. When we're busy, it's tempting to catch up with mates online, and feel we are justified in staying home, putting our pyjamas on and snuggling down with a box-set or a book. That of course is fine some of the time, but not if it becomes the norm.

Various experts, including top psychologist Aric Sigman, believe that if we restrict our social contact to the Internet, we reduce levels of bonding hormones that keep us healthy. He says that these hormones are only activated when we meet friends face-to-face. It certainly takes energy and time and effort to make friends and to maintain our friendships, but it's worth it – not just for the enjoyment it brings but for the health benefits too.

The materials in this web site are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor. The web site does not have answers to all problems. Answers to specific problems may not apply to everyone. If you notice medical symptoms or feel ill, you should consult your doctor - for further information see our Terms and conditions.