Heidi Klum is still looking pretty hot in spite of having had like 5 million kids and being in her late forties. You wish your girl looked this good now much less in middle age. Here she is sunbathing topless in Sardinia.

Ronda Rousey didn’t want to be too thin when she posed for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue because we all know how that’s frowned upon. Instead she wanted a little more junk in the trunk and claims she gained weight on purpose, a move which no doubt infuriated the editors:

“I felt like I was much too small for a magazine that is supposed to be celebrating the epitome of a woman. I wanted to be at my most feminine shape, and I don’t feel my most attractive at 135 pounds, which is the weight I fight at. At 150 pounds, I feel like I’m at my healthiest and my strongest and my most beautiful.”

It seems unlikely an elite professional athlete would gain fifteen pounds for a cheesy photo shoot. Certainly a dude wouldn’t. Of course fighters cut weight all the time and gain it back before ultimately parishing. Did you really gain this weight for the shoot or just not want your kidneys to fail? I realize real women can’t be thin and are simply cheap impostors trying to ban trans fat against the wishes of the free world. Nonetheless this claim is dubious and if this is where your priorities are at I’d bet against Rousey’s next go round because she’s probably working her way up to two fifty to get into character for a Carl’s Jr ad.

New York Jets’ defensive end Sheldon Richardson is suspended the first four games of next season for smoking weed. No word on when they’ll start testing owners and coaches or if a bro should be allowed to enjoy a joint when his spinal cord looks like a row of garlic rolls. Richardson held a mini press conference and spoke with reporters for the first time since the suspension came down, vowing to change his ways. In typical 80′s movie you’re not going to believe this shit fashion he then proceeded to leave that very press conference and get into a 143 mile per hour high speed chase with police, with a twelve year old kid and a loaded gun in the car, and get arrested. Maybe he just meant change his ways for the next ten minutes. Apparently Richardson initially sped away from police before turning off the highway, killing his lights, and trying to park in a random person’s driveway. That doesn’t work in real life because nobody owns a Bentley and a Datsun. He has been charged with resisting arrest and will more than likely be suspended until the league begins play in hyperbaric chambers on the ocean’s floor. By then weed will be legal. At least he’s figured out how to not look high in photos.

Morrissey claims a TSA agent at the San Francisco International Airport grabbed his dick while frisking him, although it’s unclear why he had a boner or specifically requested Chad. He proceeded to write a blog about the ordeal while mascara ran down his face. To be fair he was carrying several fertilizer bombs on his way to find that lion killer in Minnesota. Americans are so uptight:

“Before I could gather my belongings from the usual array of trays I was approached by an ‘airport security officer’ who stopped me, crouched before me and groped my penis and testicles… Should you find yourself traveling through San Francisco International Airport, you should expect sexual abuse from the so-called ‘security officers’ who, we are unconvincingly warned, are acting only for our security.”

It’s not like the TSA goes down to the Castro and finds fun boys passed out on the sidewalk from a ketamine comedown and straps vests on them for the day like it’s Labor Ready. Airport Security people are exceedingly retarded but they’re not working for free personal pans at the Godfather’s. There’s still a modicum of professionalism. Everyone knows they jerk off to the body scans of the volleyball team but we’re talking about a sixty year old corpse who never shuts the fuck up. Maybe it’s possible. I just never trust people who need a problem to function. Why do your balls have paws? Sir are you smuggling gerbils?

We all know Woody Allen is kinda creepy, what with his banging his stepdaughter Soon Yi when she was a teenager. But in an NPR interview he reveals just how much of a sex pest he is. It sounds like classic predator to me.

Hillary Clinton had a department store on Fifth Avenue closed down so she could get a $600 haircut, or as she calls it, relating to the middle class. Bergdorf Goodman is apparently not a flamboyant composer of dramatic show tunes, but a high end retail store in New York. It’s unclear how Clinton, who doesn’t have a job, was able to accomplish shutting down the store. This is official business, I’m a cunt. Maybe you could fucking come in before it opens? Just a thought. Every year or so some politician drops a lot of money on a haircut. It just shows they’re really into themselves, and also that people vote on hair. For this reason alone I predict Hillary Clinton will lose the election because she looks like that evil rabbit from Donnie Darko got a dye job. Trump is out too for obvious reasons. Namely, that’s not hair. That should leave Rick Perry as our Commander in Chief. He’s most likely a drunken illiterate but his hair can rebound from a SuperCuts. Looks like we invaded Iran. Aw shucks.

On this week’s podcast we were left wondering how awkward it is to go to a Cosby sexual assault victim reunion, how this nation needs to protect its sex workers, and the sadistic passion of dentists. Things more important than will ever be discussed in any Presidential debate. How very sad. I think for us mostly really.

Thanks to our sponsors at ThePornDude.com, purveyors of all that is left decent and holy and unblemished in this world. Let us praise the porn.

Donald Trump berated a lawyer who was deposing him because she needed to pump breast milk for her baby, according to the lawyer and to Trump. Elizabeth Beck eventually came down on the losing side in the case, possibly because she brought her baby to the office and was tickling it while pretending to listen to the proceedings. At some point Beck asked for a one hour break so she could pump the milk, a standard courtroom procedure. Trump freaked out, apparently convinced she was stalling or at least was using the Sharper Image catalog to her advantage:

“He got up, his face got red, he shook his finger at me and he screamed, ‘You’re disgusting, you’re disgusting,’ and he ran out of there.”

Somebody’s got some issues. Trump took to Twitter to defend himself, which naturally came in the form of shitting on Beck:

“Lawyer Elizabeth Beck was easy for me to beat. Ask her clients if they are happy with her results against me… Beck lost the case and I got legal fees. Also, she wanted to breast pump in front of me at dep.”

I’m all for breastfeeding in public. The more the merrier. Do it at Sunday mass, funerals, fucking stock vestings, whatever briefings the community organizer gives you to fight off the zombies, it’s all good. Perhaps the pump is a bit much though. Maybe leave it at home and mix up some formula instead of running the generator and monitoring the PSI of the hoses hooked to your nipples while you’re in a fucking meeting. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just kind of distracting. The results speak for themselves. The baby was twelve years old.