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Sunday, January 07, 2007

Measuring One’s Liberal Quotient (satire)

John W. LillpopRecognizing when one is a liberal, and knowing the full extent of that devastating mental disorder, is vital information that one should have in order to effectively navigate life’s many obstacles and roadblocks.

Moreover, when medical care or confinement is indicated, it helps when the attending physicians are aware that extraordinary medicines and therapies may be required to combat the liberal DNA responsible for so much psychosis in the world.

This simple, yet scientific, test has been programmed to evaluate one’s “liberal quotient,” which is the exact opposite of intelligence quotient, and usually portends serious mental and moral defects.

The test:

1. Abortion

A. Roe V. Wade, one of America’s great founding fathers, authored Amendment No. 16 to the U.S. Constitution which guarantees women the right to privacy while undergoing an abortion.

In what year was Amendment 16 added to the Bill of Rights?

( ) 1792( ) 1812( ) Still being filibustered in the U.S. Senate

B. Abortions should be:

( ) Mandatory for unmarried women under 30.( ) A real no-no after an expectant mother has started to labor, unless the attending physician can guarantee that law enforcement authorities will not be notified.( ) Funded by eliminating the Bush tax cuts for the wealty.

2. Global War on TerrorA. The war on terror is:

( ) Based on outright lies and exaggerations by the Bush administration, and, as such, criminal in nature.( ) Over, kaput. The terrorists have won—Bush should surrender immediately.( ) Being fought all over the world--except in Iraq.

B. Domestic Surveillance

President Bush has personally listened to calls made and received by Democrats and moderate Republicans. This type of domestic spying is OK as long as the president does not use racial profiling in deciding which calls to eavesdrop on.

( ) True ( ) False

3. Taxes

High taxes:

( ) Stimulate economic growth and create millions of secure, high paying jobs.( ) Are needed to keep overachievers humble.( ) Should be paid by any family with an annual income in excess of $7,450.

4. Energy and Dependence on Foreign Oil

A. Drilling for new oil reserves in America is:

( ) Prohibited by the U.S. Constitution.( ) A grave danger to Alaskan wildlife & ticketsales for Al Gore’s movie.( ) Sure to irritate Iran’s president and other Islamic businessleaders whom Bush should be working with, rather than against.( ) Unnecessary if automobiles are outlawed.

B. Adding additional refining capacity would:

( ) Increase demand, thereby causing more global warming.( ) Be more immoral than post-birth abortions.( ) Be fine if built in blue states by brown illegal aliens.( ) Not be OK because the land is urgently needed for illegal aliens moving here from Mexico.

C. The best option for dealing with the high cost of gasoline is to:

( ) Ignore it. Americans drive too much as it is.( ) Ignore it because higher prices will drive Bush’spoll numbers even lower.( ) Raise gasoline taxes $2.50 per gallon to reduce demand.( ) Cut off supplies to Red states.( ) Require each Mexican illegal alien to smuggle in five gallons of gas per month as a condition of the Bush amnesty.

5. Illegal immigration

A. Illegal immigration is:

( ) Desperately needed by liberals in order to win elections.( ) A misnomer. They are actually undocumented Democrats!( ) Mexico’s chief export.( ) Not a threat to U.S. homeland security. Why would Mexican peasants destroy the land of free rice and tacos?

B. Border security should be:

( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce.( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce and more Democrats.( ) Turned over to Felipe Calderon in the name of diversity.( ) Used to keep Republicans out of the United States.

C. The proposed fence between the United States and Mexico is:

( ) A terrific idea, if built by firms owned by women and minorities.( ) Unconstitutional. It discriminates against Mexicans too fat to climb over a fence.( ) “Pork” in Red States, but economic necessity in blue states.

D. Bush’s proposed amnesty:

( ) Is illegal if it prevents Mexicans from collecting welfare.( ) Will work if guest workers are required to join a labor union.( ) Should include free health care, driver's licenses, college degrees, and interest-free mortgages for illegal aliens.( ) Sounds like amnesty, but Mexicans here illegally deserve amnesty!

E. Spanish versus English--Mexican illegal immigrants should:

( ) Be prevented from learning English because the Democrats have printed 30 million ballots in Spanish for the 2008 election.( ) Be kept English-illiterate to avoid exposure to GOP lies and propaganda.( ) Be taught vital English words and phrases like welfare, food stamps, ACLU, racism, class-action lawsuit, Vote Democrat, six-pack, etc.

F. Janet Napolitano, Democrat governor of Arizona:

( ) Was for Illegal Immigration before she was against it.( ) Was a “stealth” candidate in Mexico’s presidential election in early July.( ) Thinks ''Minutemen'' is a reference to the sexual staying power of Border Patrol agents.

G. In dealing with massive protests by illegal aliens, the most prudent action would be to:

( ) Send a ''Letter of Unconditional Surrender'' to Mexican president Felipe Calderon along with a fully executed Quit Claim Deed to California, Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico.( ) Pardon all 20 million illegal aliens with an Executive Order signed by President Bush and approved by Felipe Calderon.( ) Hand out Spanish-language ballots for 2008 with Hillary Clinton’s name pre-punched as a vote for president.( ) Sell forged driver’s licenses and Social Security cards, and useproceeds to buy ads opposing the border fence.

6. Using Liberalism to Understand Islam

A. Ramadan:

( ) Was an Islamic religious ritual thousands of years before being commercialized as a national hotel chain—Ramada Inn—by greedy American capitalists.( ) Is not covered by the constitutional separation of church and state because our founding fathers were all Christian Caucasians—AKA infidels.( ) Should be observed by non-Muslims, especially obese Americans who need daily fasting just before pigging out at Thanksgiving and Christmas.( ) Should be a paid, month-long national holiday for union labor and all Democrat operatives with proven liberal credentials.

B. The Koran:

( ) Specifically identifies G.W. Bush as an alcoholic dyslexic and the anti-Allah.( ) Is available on CD at Democratic National Committee headquarters.( ) Should be required reading in K-12 to promote religious diversity and sensitivity, and to offset Judeo-Christian propaganda in the Bible.( ) Calls for Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez to join forces in combating that “evil-doer” G.W. Bush.

C. Mosques:

( ) Are spiritual sanctuaries reserved for holy communion with Allah, except when being used to plan nuclear attacks on the United States or Israel.( ) Are managed by skilled curators who are experts in certifying Islamic axes for beheading infidels.( ) Must never be used to store weapons or ammunition except during time of war. Because of infidels, Islam has always been, and will always be, at war.( ) Must be attended for Friday prayer, except for the faithful who attend mosques destroyed by suicide bombers. (Notice: No fair blowing up a mosque just to get out of Friday prayer!)

D. The practice of rewarding martyrs with 72 virgins:

( ) Makes far more sense that the Christian myth about a virgin giving birth to a Jew who had come to save the world.( ) Assures that Allah will always have a large contingent of dedicated, virile young men eager to give their very lives for the righteous cause of Islam.( ) Proves that Christians who promote abstinence are extremists who do not understand spirituality in this life nor the one to follow!( ) Is proof that welfare reform without a commitment to government- sponsored vocational training is a failed Republican idea.

Congratulations! You have successfully completed this objective assessment of your vulnerability as a practicing liberal.

Because we understand that self-esteem and confidence are very fragile commodities to liberals, we provide neither answers nor grades to this test. This is essential to protect those who may have performed poorly.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!