It’s the differences that hurt

I started writing this post in late May this year. Mostly to quietly vent. I’m not sure if I ever intended to publish it. But I feel I should. It’s important to be honest, with myself as well as everyone else.

I’ve been ruminating on this post for a while, and I suspect that it will be a good few days in the writing before I hit the publish button to be honest.

We all know that I have my two kidlets:

And

And I love them both to death. I do. I would both die and kill for these two. I have been a mama lion for #1 Son over the last year or so, and will continue to be for as long as he needs or wants me to be. But, can I admit something?

I get so tired.

It’s so hard. So so hard. And half the time at least it’s just not his fault or anything to do with him as himself. He continues to be one of the kindest, funniest, sweetest boys that anyone would be lucky to know.

But it’s his condition. It’s his disability (and I bloody loathe that word).

He is not a standard child. And this world is set up for the standard. For the “normal”. And everyone else is left to sink or swim.

TT is growing up. Every day it seems she does something new.

And she is blowing right past him

I don’t mean like for like now, at almost six he still ahead of her, but at their comparative ages she’s miles ahead.

She plays with toys.

She has proper imaginative play.

She is capable of playing on her own.

She wants to play with her brother. She idolises him if truth be known.

Her language skills are amazing

She has concepts such as sharing down. Admittedly mostly when they benefit her but she’s got them.

Milestones such as crawling, walking etc she already blew past him with.

There are more, so many more, but these are the ones that stick in my head.

It’s almost daily that I will look at the hus-creature and say:

He was never like this.

Or

He never did this/that.

And I wonder if he has somehow been short changed by my just not knowing that he was non-standard.

How did I not know? Well for a premature child and a boy, he was hitting all the relevant milestones within the age-appropriate ranges.

We didn’t see a problem until he first started formal schooling.

I worry for him. I worry about him. If I, as his mother, can get upset and frustrated

And I do, believe me I do

Then how will the rest of the world cope? How will he cope with it?!?!?

And that is where I stopped. I couldn’t carry it on.

I think my pain, worry, fear is quite obvious no? But, I’m pleased to say, that things are once again on the upswing.

He’s had a few knocks since the start of the school year. For example he started leaving class again, particularly after we got back from England. However that was two weeks ago, and he’s getting better.

I still haven’t had to visit the new Principal (which is great) and he’s making great strides in his reading, writing and math.

I’m just so proud of this kid.

He’s a trooper. He’s my best boy. And I will continue to be the Mamasaurus that he needs me to be.

He got that star in his first week and we have also had another since.

2 thoughts on “It’s the differences that hurt”

You are doing an amazing job with both of your children. As someone who does not personally know you, every child learns differently and at a different pace. Make a plan for those days you are so tired. Someone to take the children when you need to get away for a couple of hours. Take a walk to the nearest park or somewhere that brings calmness to your soul. Keep up the great job you are doing with them and your husband. Wish I lived closer so I could be there for you.

Your post broke our hearts. There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you could have known about his developmental problems since he reached all his milestones and since he was your firstborn, so there was no sibling you could not compare him with. At least he is not unhappy about being so much behind his sister at the same age since he is blissfully unaware of it. Hopefully the age difference is sufficiently large to ensure that she never overtakes him academically.

On the plus side, he is quite sociable and he gets invited to birthday parties and play dates. An even bigger plus is that his little sister adores him, and this is really good for his self-esteem.

Odile is currently in Connecticut helping with the house move. If Gary can spare her, maybe you could convince her to come and help you with the kids for a few days???