MEN of Australia, it’s time we had a little talk about neckwear. Specifically, scarfs. We really need to talk about scarfs.

What are scarfs for? Really, though. What do scarfs do that a nice warm jacket and/or jumper won’t? That’s a rhetorical question but I’ll answer it anyway. They make you look like a tryhard, that’s what they do.

There, I said it. Scarfs are for tryhards.

There is a trend in modern journalism whereby you draw your readers into a club by loving the things they love, or at least pretending to. “Eleven things only scarf-wearers will understand” is the type of story that would make people go ‘hey, you’re OK, you get what I get’.

Sorry, can’t do it. Not today. This reporter is banking on a legion of men out there who wouldn’t scarf up if they were naked in Antarctica with only a pashmina to protect their privates from peckish penguins.

This man’s scarfwear matches both his knitwear and his cold, steely eyes. In other words, he’s a bit of a tosspot.Source:news.com.au

You’re out there, right? Scarf-haters of Australia, please don’t be silent. Only with your support can we expose these futile fragments of fashion frippery for what they really are.

Men in truly cold places understand that scarfs are pointless. Ever been to Russia or Canada? Or a country town in Tasmania or Victoria or southern New South Wales in July? Same deal. You’ll see plenty of fleecy knits and overcoats but not a scarf in sight.

These men don’t wear scarfs because a) they add little in the way of warmth, and b) they get in the way.

Scarfs are more acceptable at sporting fixtures, even if they make men do weird stuff like whatever the hell these Spanish men are doing. AFP photo/Pedro ArmestreSource:AFP

Fact is, scarfs are a hazard. This reporter has just returned from a ski trip. At the snow, the only people who wear scarfs are beginners. They’re easy to spot dangling from a chairlift after failing to dismount because their scarf got caught on the chair.

Hipsters too, must suffer all sorts of scarf-related accidents on their arduous daily scooter commute from the laneway to the cafe.

The truth is that scarfs are a bloody nuisance. They’re an unnecessary encumbrance. And this point, more than any other, exemplifies what’s wrong with them.

See, if we men stand for one thing, it’s travelling light. We are by nature compact creatures. Whether old or young, white collar or blue collar, gay or straight, we fellas hate to be weighed down by anything beyond the holy trinity of keys, wallet and phone.

This handsome fellow was in the author’s elevator this morning. He was defiantly proud of the fact he was wearing a scarf and in the interests of balanced journalism, we have to admit he looks pretty good in it.Source:news.com.au

This is not about celebrating slobbishness over stylishness. This reporter acknowledges that it’s a highly desirable thing to be a stylish, well groomed man — even if he himself has no hope of ever achieving said state.

The point is, it’s not clear how a scarf adds to style.

Truly stylish men have an effortlessness about them. They’re stylish without trying to be. Scarfs make you look like you’re trying hard. There’s something about them which screams “notice me”.

People like puppies so we thought we’d put some in to make you like this column more.Source:News Corp Australia

Scour fashion blogs and you’ll discover that there’s a whole etiquette around how to wear scarfs. For example, there are apparently seven ways to tie a scarf. You’ve got your “once round”, your “twice round”, your “Parisian” and so on. The most simple is called the “drape”, which is the classic, hung around your neck look.

The drape? The drape????

I’m, sorry, but when chucking a length of fabric around your neck is given one of those fashiony terms like “the drape”, you know things have gone too far.

Repeal the carbon tax? Couldn’t care one way or the other. But someone, somewhere, and soon, should repeal the right of men to wear scarfs. And they should do it really soon.

What do you think? Do you scoff at scarfs or are you going to race out and buy yourself another one right now? Have your say in the comments below or on Twitter @antsharwood @newscomauHQ.

Oh, and by the way, for the benefit of those of you writing in and saying “it’s scarves, not scarfs”, we’re both right. Both spellings are acceptable according to any dictionary you care to open. Our house style is “scarfs”. Good scarfternoon to you all.

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