The Brooklyn Beckham Instagram Academy Is Open for Business

Welcome to the Brooklyn Beckham Academy of Instagram. Please take a seat. Can’t find a seat? That’s because the only chairs are skateboards. This is not some school for “squares.” Pull up a board, mate.

So you want to learn the proper way to use Instagram? First thing’s first: You must be really, really good-looking. If you’re not really, really good-looking, then you can start by getting a haircut that greatly resembles mine: shorn on the sides, slick on the top, good for models. Not all people’s parents are really, really good-looking footy players and former Spice Girls. Any attempt you can make to appear attractive to your followers is a start.

Now, you’re going to want to take selfies. Listen up, though! Don’t take too many. No one wants to see your face over and over. And not all selfies are created equal. For example, you can get arty with it:

Black-and-white selfies are cool because you look mysterious and like a model. But like I said, don’t post too many selfies. And no bloody selfie sticks! Come on, mate. That is a very uncool look.

[Kick-flip break.] Nailed it.

Next, you’re going to want to look for cool things going on around you. See some fireworks? Snap it. Is your dad the most beloved football player in all of England? Take his photo. Hanging out with Stephen Hawking? Don’t feel weird asking someone to take your photo together: That thing will rack up likes.

On that note, here’s a good reminder when you’re taking photos with celebs: Never act like you’ve just met them or that you had to ask to take a snap together. These people are your lifelong friends. People will know you’re cool when you’re casually standing with Cara Delevingne and you simply refer to her as “Cara.” This is how you up your follower count. Trust me. The people love it.