Wednesday, April 23, 2008

My brilliance

I've spent the past few days interviewing people for my new assistant. I've done quite a few interviews during my time here as a manager and I've gotten pretty good at it if I do say so myself. I've learned what kind of questions to ask that would generate certain responses and, by noting their responses and also their reactions to the questions I ask, I believe I can tell if the person would be a good employee or not. I've been wrong on occasion but mostly I'm pretty bang on.

Last night while I was lying at the acupuncturists I came up with an idea. And I'm really confident when I put it out there that not only was my idea brilliant, but it could quite possibly be the most brilliant idea ever had by anyone.

My idea in question form is this: If we can interview people for potential employees, why can't we interview people for potential mates? Yes?! Are you with me here?! In reality, the person whom you choose to be your mate should be screened way more intensely then the person whom you choose for your assistant right? You're potentially going to be with this man/woman/person for the rest of your life. They will be living with you. You will be sleeping in the same bed as them.You may have children with this person. You will need to spend periods of time with their friends and/or family. How can you not interview this person first to see if it is even worth your time?

I've had a lot of bad luck with guys, and I say "bad luck" because none of it was my fault. I blame Fate/God/The Cosmos. If I had the chance to interview these men beforehand, I would never have started anything with them in the first place. Well, I will never make that mistake again!

I have compiled a list of key interview questions that you may print out and put in your pocket to always have on hand for an interview situation. Even if you're not single you should print these out. You never know, if you didn't interview your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/partner, your relationship may not last that much longer. Here they are in no particular order:

Do you finish things you start? For example: What would you say is a good time frame to renovate a bathroom?(ONE YEAR IS TOO LONG)

Is your mom a psycho?

Are you a psycho?

Do you have any plans for the future? How about for tomorrow? 5 minutes from now?

Do you know how to operate a washing machine?

Do you like human interaction?

It's your one year wedding anniversary, you and your spouse decide to purchase a large household item together as a joint gift. On the day of your anniversary you: a) Buy something small for your spouse like a card or flowers. b)Buy nothing. c)Buy nothing and then when your spouse gets you a little gift bag of goodies act a bit put off because it was your understanding that the household item was the gift and keep repeating that over and over again.

Do you think it's acceptable to give your girlfriend a stuffed bear air freshener for her 19th birthday? How would you react if/when her mom starts laughing?

If you were going to break up with your mate would you tell them or just start dating other people and hope they find out somehow?

Are you gay?

So? Are you blown away by my brilliance? You'll probably want to print these out and laminate them because they'll probably get a lot of use. That is, until you find your ideal mate. Then you can pass them on to other poor souls.

If you're reading this and you want to be my boyfriend, it's your lucky day! I'm giving you a head start here so study up. The next time a guy even talks to me at a bar I'm going to whip these out. They won't even know what's coming.