God Damned Unisex Young People Make Me Nervous!

The problem with young people today is that they don’t know if they’re boys or girls.

Back when I was a lad we were damned sure about our gender. Boys played football, climbed trees and kept their emotions in check. Girls wore skirts, played with dolls and helped their mothers clean house. It made sense and it made it easy to keep track of people.

But these young people today?

The boys dye their hair, paint their lips and doll themselves up like 5th Avenue trollops out for an evening stroll. And the girls are no better. They wear slacks and short hair cuts, participate in sport and run for public office.

It’s getting so you can’t tell them apart damn it and that’s not what the Lord intended. Half the time I don’t know who I’m yelling at. If it weren’t for Adam’s apples I wouldn’t have a clue where to start for God’s sake.

And what the Hell ever happened to the words “boy” and “girl” anyway?

According to the Reader’s Digest, everyone nowadays is some form of “sexual.” “Metrosexual”…”ubersexual”…”retrosexual.” I have no idea what it means but I’m damn sure that “idiotsexual” is not only more accurate but easier to remember.

If I had ever come home slathered in mascara and eye liner, my old mom would have scrubbed my face clean with a cheese grater and then keeled over dead from the shame of it all.

These young people need to turn off their Ipods and start listening to their stereotypes. There’s a reason men and women look different, dress different and act different. It deters dangerous impulses toward self-expression and stops society from spiraling into an asexual Sodom and a genderless Gomorrah.

If this perversity keeps up, how long will it be before old men like me are be forced to sport purple beehives and wear capri pants, lip gloss and charm bracelets? And it won’t stop there. Eventually we’ll all become one blob of indiscriminate gender – one gigantic East German woman’s swim team. They’ll be no gender, no class structure and no distinctions of any kind.

And if that isn’t the blue print for Godless communism, then I don’t know what is.

They don’t know if they’re boys or girls. That’s the problem with young people today.

It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, what about the New Romantics in the 80s? Elaborate hairstyles, dangly jewellery and dramatic makeup – and that was the men.
And before that – way before that – even Roman and Greek men wore togas.
You should try out that purple beehive, maybe you’d like it!

You raise an interesting point but I choose to discount it outright. The ancient Greeks and Romans are, for the most part, dead now and unlikely to make me angry with their flashy togas and ridiculous sandals. But be assured, however, that if they were alive and traipsing around the Walmart with laurel wreaths in their hair I’d be unhappy about it.

Also interesting to read an argument that draws comparisons between ancient Greek and Roman societies and the “New Romantic” movement. Good to see Simon LeBon and his ignoble ilk referenced in the same breath as Socrates and Augustus Caesar. I’ll take that as another sign that the world will come to and end before dinner time.

Thanks for visiting. I hope to hear from you again.

All the best.

Don

p.s. I’ll pass on the beehive. Perhaps a bun would be more appropriate.

They were mostly heterosexuals, naturally. Or all bisexual, as many studies show humans to be naturally, you decide. The fact is that sexuality is also sociocultural in it’s expression in a lot of ways, and because there was no tabboo these men would also have sex with each other, acting like bisexuals.
In fact, all men have been having sex with each other in big orgies since the cave man times. Really, search for it in the ancient paitings.

What in christmas’s name has gotten into you. Nothing wrong with women enjoying sports and wearing jeans..and running for public office???? geez louise as a society we advance. As far as men wearing makeup and what not..some folks express themselves in a different way. People behaved like that back then, but they were kept in the closet or out of view of upstanding families because it was a reflection on mom and dad or so people thought. Maybe the older generation is closed minded.hmmmm Zman sends

Look, son, I have no problem with self-expression as long as everyone does it the same way. If a man wants to express himself he can wear a plaid tie instead of a blue one.

Call me old fashioned (or better yet pour me an old-fashioned) but I don’t think you should need to look for clues in order to determine what sex someone is. It’s not like with cats, you can’t flip people onto their backs to see what equipment they’ve got on board.

I don’t care what people do in the privacy or their homes or who they do it with, I just like to know who the hell it is that I’m talking to. Girls should look like girls and boys should look like boys.

What’s wrong with women running for office, playing sports, and wearing slacks? It does many beneficial things especially for old men. We females do make up approximately 50% of the population (actually more than 50% because you old men tend to kick the bucket before the old ladies) so it keeps the other females happy that there is some sort of representation for their needs/rights. Playing sports keeps us active, healthy, and in shape which does several things for the benefit of humanity: keeps health care costs down and it helps us look a little more like Jane Mansfield (a lady I’ve noticed you’ve lusted after for quite some time (back when you would think about defiling yourself and whatnot). And wearing slacks is just practical. Its easier to perform everyday tasks in and it shows off a great view of the hiney for men’s viewing pleasure.

However, men wearing tight pants and skirts is a definite no-no. And I’m not so much a fan of the ladies in ties and elephant pants (you know the ones, with the billion zippers, chains, snaps, and the 8ft wide leg openings…) Perhaps a better rule for the sexes would be thongs are for ladies, tightie-whities are for boys?

The no-brainer who invented the metrosexual expression is now coming out with another one he calls “sporno” which refers to that split second in time when a photographer captures two strapping athletes “becoming one”. Who told me that? That little acne factory 17 year old that works in the bookstore I go to near my house. By the way, I have no idea if that is a boy or a girl. I can´t tell by just looking at His/Her, okay, Its clothes. Next time I’ll check if I notice some volume similar to a crouch [with all due respect of course].

I wish the Brazilian government would create something like that Star Wars program that would barricade those insane ideas to reach our youngsters.

Nice to hear from you. I have to admit that the “sporno” concept has me a little stumped. It sounds like a soviet missile program or an Italian appetizer – I can’t quite decide which. (Regardless, I am now watching the skies and craving tortellini alfredo.)

I’d highly recommend that you have a chat with your local politician about your idea for a high tech filter to keep asinine ideas from spreading to the young people of Brazil. It sounds like an idea whose time has come.

The low tech solution, of course, would be to just unplug the televisions, take away their internet access and give them each a shiny new soccer ball. (I would have said “baseball,” Ivan, but I know you’re partial to the game of soccer).

I like this post, Don. I also get angry when I see all this gender-mix-and-match. There have been times where I literally meet a person and have no clue whether or not they are male or female, and I have to ASK someone else. It’s that bad.

I don’t agree that women shouldn’t play sports or be involved in politics though. Playing sports keep women in shape, and I’m not into fat girls 😉 I like the soccer players…but I digress! I believe that women and men should be equal in terms of politics.

Another thing that gets me mad is guys with hair down to their shoulders and skin-tight jeans (they call them SkinnyJeans). The more popular this trend gets, the less fertile men we’ll have due to suffocation of the family jewels (although maybe that will weed out the offspring of these types of people).

I think we can see eye-to-eye on most of this issue, Don. I’m glad we do.

Glad to hear we can see eye-to-eye on most of this one. It’s been a while since we outright disagreed hasn’t it? I was keeping track but lost count a while back.

Those skinny jeans sound damned awful. But, as you suggest, if you’re inclined to wear pants so tight that they impede your manly abilities, you likely aren’t the type of person we want procreating anyway.

It’s hard to tell if someone is gay or just being “androgynous” anymore. Even straight men sometimes affect what sounds like a gay lisp and even straight women cut all their hair off and dress in mannish clothes. I decided, last year, to attempt to wear skirts daily instead of pants because some damn Web site said that women who wore long skirts got respected more. All the brain dead shit around here thought was that I was trying to get someone to pick me up. Maybe I need the whole getup. High necked blouse on top, long skirt on bottom, some kind of kercheif or other schmatte on the head, no makeup, and nurse shoes. Instead of “hey baby” I’d get “hello sister”.

If any of those lads down at the clinic are giving you the business, you just say the word and I’ll scoot down and have a word with them. I’ll straighten those whelping pups out once and for all and you can be sure of that!

Anyway, I don’t care if someone is gay or androgynous or Presbyterian or a dancing bear…I just want them to dress the way they were supposed to. Boys in slacks and girl in skirts.

Now, far be it from me to tell you what to do but that notion of “high necked blouse on top, long skirt on bottom, some kind of kercheif or other schmatte on the head, no makeup, and nurse shoes” sounds like a sensible and fashionable option.

Thankyou Sir for another very fine commentary on gender bending young people. I nearly damned well choked on my porridge.

“Retrosexual”….. ? I must be slipping behind the times because I had to look it up. Apparently it means the opposite of metrosexual, whatever that is. I thought the Metro was a train station.

Goodness gracious me, Don. The day I see you sporting a purple beehive, earrings, wearing capri pants and painting your fingernails black, I will eat my hat.

I’m quite partial to the lilac tints in the hair of women my age, however, and am seriously considering which shade to go. Light lilac, medium lilac or deep purple? Whatever I decide, I will wear it as a badge of honour.

Strangely enough, listening to the music on my ipod actually makes the gender stereotypes more obvious to me. I’ve yet to meet a girl who doesn’t give me the “turn that bloody noise down”-look when she notices the music I’m listening to.

I’m not sure I know what a stereotypical lesbian couple looks like. I didn’t even know they existed until I was in my 40s. So, I’ll take your word on it.

Regardless, you’re a decent young woman who loved here old dad and is going to be a teacher…so, really, you could set your hair on fire and run around wearing a gunny sack and you’d still be okay in my book.

I have to agree with Lily, Don. I almost choked on my porridge too, only it was vodka and red bull…Stampede’s in town so I’ll probably be on the intravenous whiskey for the next 10 days. You’ll have to forgive my typos and innappropriate commentary. But I digress.

Since you brought it up, let’s get rid of those emosexuals as well. I can never tell if those long-banged temperbenders are sad, indifferent, or just socially inept. They are blurring the mood lines, Don, and it scares me. It scares me something fierce.

As for unisexuals, I think we should start by getting rid of skinny jeans. That might work.

“These young people need to turn off their Ipods and start listening to their stereotypes.” Don, this is brilliant! Very enjoyable reading…you have such a refreshing view of today’s world…or is it delirium? At any rate, I’ll be back…

LOL. I have mistaken a long-haired guy for a girl before. He had his back turned and I leaned over to my friend and made some comment about the way,”she” looked, only to have, “him” turn around showing off his full beard. That was awkward.

The thing is everyone has their own styles and they ovolve over time. Remember glam rock and bands like KISS? The problem is that it’s becoming too main stream. Now I’ll admit I’m one of those ‘boys’ with long hair, but the thing is I look rediculous with short hair, so should I deliberately look stupid to follow a stereotypical ‘male’ role? (As a point in note, i’m 6’4 and skinny, which is why short hair doesnt suit me).
Though you do raise valid points with metrosexual etc, but isnt that coming from a developing nanny culture where parents try to shield thier kids from anything that might possibly be a danger, and then trying to justify everything that goes wrong from it?
Just my few words from a guy that looks like a girl, from behind anyway.

Now I realize the “ovolve” was likely a typo on your part (I do it all the time, son, so I’m not passing judgement) but I think that might be a term that sticks.

“Ovolve” has a vaguely “ovarian” feel to it and as far as I can see, young men are well on their way to transforming themselves into the gentler sex. You should copyright that word immediately, Nathan.

And I agree about the mollycoddling of the young folks. I’m sure that plays a part. I was actually considering writing a wee post about it. Seems to me that young people aren’t allowed to descend a flight of stairs anymore without a wearing helmet and kneepads just in case they have a fall.

I’m not sure how being tall and skinny disallows a short haircut. My old friend Benny “the beanpole” Radford was 6’6″, had ears like the sails on a clipper ship and was rail thin but he had a crew cut from the day he was born and still managed to snag himself a handsome wife. I believe her name was Carla…or Carrie. I’m not entirely sure.

Just a few years ago, I remember having to look long and hard at a girl’s hand in order to determine if she is married or available. Now, I have to look long at hard at the “girl” in general just to make certain that she IS a girl.

I’m not related to Warren Jeffs, any member of the FLDS or anyone else of note for that matter. I have one half-wit brother, a sister-in-law in Sudbury, Canada, a pocketful of distant relatives in Scotland and that’s about all.

Yes. Yes, that’s the guy! The dashing, handsome, irresistible and fabulously wealthy brother who is rich as Croesus, but who – with damn good reason – holds back on sharing his wealth with his ne’er-do-well relatives.

Oh my. I do apologize, Ms Lily. I just don’t know what got into me. Something about the thought of a nice manly man admist all of the talk of metrosexuals and retrosexuals and whothehellknowsexuals…. I just couldn’t help myself.

I nearly burst an artery when I read your comment (nice call Lily) but I’ve calmed down now. Honestly – what kind of a horse’s ass has the the time or inclination to go and shave his equipment. In my day, the only privates that got shaved were the ones who went overseas to fight for democracy.

I would like to hear your opinion on why you have the need to determine someones gender or sex? What kind of information does it give you? Does it change your approach to that person knowing that s/he is male or female/boy or girl?

Any, even though I absolutely do not agree with you about gender bending and think that a time is (finally) coming where we must approach a person without any previous constructions and presumptions, I have to admit that your texts are funny and that it would be great to have a grand-pa like you are.

I’ve started keeping my hair short because, frankly, it just looks better on me. Some girls simply do not have the face for more “traditional” hair styles. On the other hand, I have my ears pierced twice and favor feminine earrings. I also like to wander around in public in dress heels. On the third hand, I’ve begun to tend toward clothing that conceals my -ahem- feminine figure. Why? It’s comfortable and boys my age are more likely to look at my face when I’m talking to them. And I’m not even very well endowed.

Not all aspects of androgyny are bad. Yes, it’s confusing at times. But shouldn’t everyone have the right to pursue the things they enjoy without being judged for it? And if that means dressing a little funny, well, there are much worse things out there.

I do not know how I stumbled unto your blog but I am so glad I did. I am LOVING it! The best part of your blogs is when you start off with, “If I had ever…” ’cause I know hilarity is about to ensue. I’m probably in the age bracket of what you may consider “young people” but trust I am in no way offended by your blog. You’re speaking from the heart and it shows. ;o) I would like to think that you’re actually a nice looking 25-30ish year old male with great creative writing skills.

Oh and this bout did it for me: “If I had ever come home slathered in mascara and eye liner, my old mom would have scrubbed my face clean with a cheese grater and then keeled over dead from the shame of it all.” GENIUS.

what a load of codswallop you go on with, I also came from the era when the only colour men were allowed to wear was white, the times are changing my friend and as for androgny who cares if you can’t tell boys from girls, what difference does it make unless you want to bed them. Now my real bugbear is ties they choke the life right out of you and men are supposed to enjoy them, what the hell is worst in summer are men’s clothing which is made for winter, while women’s clothing is made for summer, the way I see it men should be wearing skirts as the scots with their kilts are revered as the most virile of all men.what I am trying to say is that you should not judge people on the clothes they wear as society dictates. every person has the right to wear what they are comfortable in and that was the reason I went to war,well not really I was drafted.( p.s.no women were ever drafted.)

Don, another hilarious post. I’ve been reading many of them today and they’ve truly made my day so much better. The only thing that worries me is that my husband says a hell of a lot of things that sound like they could come from you. And he’s only 33. Should I be worried?

Oh, why won’t you die, already? You old people are pathetically trying to make everyone straight, be on one side of the gender prism (I forget what it’s called, but that’s my guess), and not express ourselves. Well, gay sex is fucking hot, and anything you say is stupid.

This is such a funny blog it reminds me of an incident that happened at a Blockbuster store. I took my 2 small children (my son was only 6 yrs old and my daughter was 8 yrs. old at that time. They’re now 10 and 12 yrs. old).

As we approached the counter to check out the movies, I noticed my children whispering to each other behind me with a very confused look. So, while we’re still waiting in line, I stooped over and asked what it was they looked so worried about. My son whispered in a very quiet voice and asked me (and imagine a very confused look on a small boy) “Mommy, is that person (referring to the employee) a boy or a girl?” I didn’t want to look up because this has been something I was dreading he might ask me one day after seeing this person a few times before. To be honest, I wasn’t sure, either. She/he wasn’t much taller than I (I’m only 5’1), but she is very well-endowed (across the chest, I mean), was on the heavy side, was wearing a collared men’s shirt (if I my mind serves me right, it must have just been their uniform), slacks, very short hair (man’s cut), but had noticeably facial hair that a 14-16 year old boy would have. The thing is, when I went in that store just a few weeks before that day, that person didn’t have that much facial hair – if at all.

So, going back to my son’s question, I was tongue-tied. I couldn’t tell, either. When she spoke, her/his voice was somewhat neutral – almost like a soft-spoken man or a husky-voiced woman, I really COULD NOT tell. So, I told him I didn’t know and hushed him. But, my darling daughter who always has an answer for everything, whispered back to him and matter-of-factly said “I told you, she’s a HE-SHE”. Still confused, my son asked what it meant, so my daughter continued, “You know, boy on the outside, but girl on the inside.” The expression on my son’s face when he heard that was PRICELESS (I wish I had a video camera rolling), as if a light bulb just went off in his head, his eyes were so wide, his mouth opened and said “OH….. like a transformer?” (referring to the movie or his favorite toy, Transformers). I have never laughed so hard in my life!

From then on, I tried to explain to them why there are people who choose to be that way, although, even I – have a difficult time understanding or explaining it. Now, we call them “Transformers”. And that’s my true story….

Thank you for your blog. It’s definitely the highlight of my day after a bad day on Facebook – which – by the way, is another story. I’m going to have to post my comment under the “They’re so damn disrespectful” category.

I found this site by “accident”… and I haven’t stopped laughing for 2 days. I’m trying to read just a few each day so I can keep laughing. This blog makes my day. Whomever you are that writes this…. you have one hell of a talent for writing. 🙂

I like to tell people to be unique, and don’t spend your time trying to live up to people’s expectations because we were not put on this earth to please others. I can pretty much make a pretty close estimate on your age just bye viewing your morals and beliefs, but you really should update them because times have changed since the fall of the roman empire.

Actually, you’re dead wrong. Only the names and faces have really changed since the days of the Roman Empire.

The world was once dominated by their empire. With bases everywhere, its unparalleled military might spanned the globe. It was once a democracy, but it gave up on democracy and few noticed or cared. It’s population payed little attention to anything other than their own self-gratification. They were always chasing after every exciting new trinket made available by the spoils of empire. They fornicated with anything that moved and were obsessed with freak shows and human combat. But the reality was that the Empire spread itself too thin, that they squandered everything and were on the verge of collapse for some time. Those public obsessions were just distractions the ruling classes set up to hide the fact that the barbarian hordes were massing at the gates, that the ruling class had looted the treasury and were ready to flee to luxurious safety at any moment. Their fellow countrymen were on their own.

Wait, which empire am I describing again? The Roman Empire or the American Empire? I forgot. It’s just so seamless.

Point is, kid. Nothing has changed. You and your entire generation are nothing special, with the possible exception that you’re probably the Last Nail In The Coffin Generation. Every empire has had one. Now go back to dancing to the fiddle of the One Percenters as this baby burns to the ground.