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There was a very interesting program on the Open University umpteen years ago, and it used a 3D graph that explained how people react to events. Why is it interesting? Because it explained why, when you upset your partner big time, the explosion doesn’t come until sometime later, but when it does, you actually have to improve a huge amount, (be amazingly contrite etc), before they flip back to cheerfulness. Flipping describes it just right too. There is something similar in science and maths called hysteresis, where the effects of an action, trail behind that action. So, calling your partner a silly moo today, may bring a big problem tomorrow.

It’s hysteresis that has proved my undoing. Over several years, I was gradually cultivating my feminine traits, and I thought I was doing very well, especially as I hadn’t had any adverse feedback from Jay. By this, I mean I was doing it full time. Then one day, she noticed that Bob wasn’t that Bobish, I guess – and kaboom. Retracting some of the femininity did no good; I had to go almost all the way back to Bobsville. The kaboom happened after a visit from my lovely sister-in-law, so she may have awoken Jay to all those small changes I had made. I adore them both, so I can’t blame them, can I? I haven’t a plan yet of where to go from here though, but I’m not giving up my cross dressing time, and my yearning to explore and show off my femininity.

Talking of cross dressing, did I mention that I have been practicing wearing my wig? and that I caught an image of myself in the mirror – and that I looked like my daughter. She’s lovely, and quite pretty, so that’s no bad thing. The other night, I had my first big dress up since the broken wrist saga – I have been a bit reluctant to do any cross dressing really, but I didn’t let that worry me. First I had another wow! moment. I put the eye shadow on – properly this time, both shades, right up to the eyebrows. The brown was neat, but when you add the other, light colour, it all changes and looks – glorious. Then the other night, I decided to do eye shadow, wig, nylons, bra and everything. I was dressed in my favourite long skirt and blouse, sashaying about the room in my high heels, watching my image in the mirror, when I just smiled at the whole thing – and my features changed, and I just looked so utterly feminine, it was gorgeous. If I can capture that on camera, Ill plaster it all over my sites. So watch this space.

Wigs – a girl was asking on Angels, ‘How do other CDs cope with the head temperature, when they wear a wig all day?’ I’d like to know too – LoL. I couldn’t wear my current, cheap and horrible, wig outside though, as I think it’s a bit too big and loose. Noeleena gave me a site that does nice wigs, and sooner or later I will have to get something decent, and that means expensive – well, to me it does – LoL.

I’ve been up to no good again. I have bought some eye shadow, and with my droopy eyelids you can’t see much of it, and just as well you’ll be thinking.

Since our last trip to the relatives in Kent and Essex, Jay has been whinging about the length of my fingernails. I admit they are longer than the average Bob nails, but a girl needs something pretty about their personage. Just to prove that Jay can’t have the last word on everything, I wanted to do something covert, and it’s just so much fun to experiment. Like the lipstick experiment, I wasn’t expecting to have it on very long, but when I tried applying the eye shadow, two things were very obvious; the droopy lids as just mentioned, and the colours I chose – a brown and light brown. I chose them because my son said that for most people, browns are the best colour. At least, thats what I think he said, and as I was in Aldi, unchaperoned – LoL – I took the opportunity to buy something girlie, and this looked like a good choice.
The darker of the two browns is only a trifle darker than my own skin colour, and tucked in under the eye brows, it doesn’t show up. So if it doesn’t show up, why am I doing it – because I can. It’s nice to practice with something innocuous too, and as I hinted at just now, it’s sort of gives me the feeling that I am one up on Jay. I’ve been out shopping in the village today too, and just to be out and about with something girlie on is sort of emboldening.

I was chatting the other day about eyebrows. On my visit around the relatives, I did a bit of eyebrow research, and I discovered what? That I have married into a family with ugly eyebrows – in fact, mine are the prettiest. Really!

Tina was chatting on her blog about her list of firsts. It was a gorgeously long list and I don’t think I could claim more than a couple of them for myself – if I stretch a point or two –LoL. Then I popped into Demi’s blog, and she had a list – but hers was from the other side so to speak – this was a list of things to aim at doing – and I had a few of those. She was actually writing a letter to someone who had left her a comment, ( I think, but check it out yourself), and so she was writing this, hoping the person would come back and read it. It’s a very nice read too. Hmmm, I guess that’s more home work eh?

Jess and I have a problem with labels – me, partly as I don’t always understand what they mean exactly, – and both of us, because people use the labels to isolate and denigrate various other parts of the T community. It seems to me that the Trans community is where the gay community was 20 or more years ago. The gay and lesbian groups have overcome a lot of the abuse and discrimination that used to be showered on them, and hopefully we can do the same. The problem is, those who stand up for us, seem to come in for a lot of stick, and perversely, a lot of it seems to come from within the T groups. This is a shame, as it’s bad enough coping with transphobics etc. with out dealing with a lot of flack from t-girls. Some of the flack comes from within the LBGT ubergroup, and you would have thought, seeing how much the LBGs in it have had to put up with, they would be more sympathetic. My immediate lesbian and gay friends, who don’t know I’m trans incidentally, don’t appear to be transphobic, but some of the high profile LBGs are certainly overcritical of individual t-girls. I’ve got a lot of help from Angels and Transliving, but you can’t rely on 100% support even from the girls there either, if you stick your head up over the parapet. There is a lot of criticism on hand every where it seems. I guess the flack only comes from a minority of people, but the are certainly vociferous.