How Republicans Wasted the Clinton E-Mail Opportunity

So if, in this summer of its existential crisis, the Republican Party has not been gifted with the nuclear bomb of its dreams, it still has been handed enough ordnance to distract the nation's attention from the vulgar talking yam it is preparing to nominate in a couple of weeks. However, the apparently inexhaustible ability of the Clintons to prompt Republicans to hysterical overreaction is working to HRC's advantage.

It's days like Wednesday when I wonder why I just don't chuck it all and make my living at the track.

The reaction of the Republican Party to the gift that FBI director James Comey handed them on Tuesday was completely and utterly predictable, and it wasn't simply the fact that they're on their way to nominating a vulgar talking yam with the self-control of a giant toddler (h/t, as always, to Quinn Cummings). Comey gave them a new bicycle and they ran to their rooms, sobbing, because it wasn't a BMW. He gave them a pony and they shot it in the head.

Before we get to He, Trump's staggering oration Tuesday night in Raleigh, we must take into account two other developments in the wake of Comey's announcement. First, there's the performance of House Speaker Paul Ryan, the zombie-eyed granny-starver from the state of Wisconsin and first runner-up in our last vice presidential pageant.

Over the past month, it's been revealed that the various kangaroo operations looking into the events in Benghazi and into the fake issue of baby parts for sale have been monumental wastes of time and money. Trey Gowdy, the lopheaded Javert of the Benghazi beat, has been made into a figure of such fun. So, given all this, and handed Comey's scathing condemnation of how Hillary Rodham Clinton did business as Secretary of State, what does Speaker Ryan, the grown-up in the room, decide to do?

Ryan told Fox News' Megyn Kelly that the House Oversight and Government Affairs Committee, chaired by Rep. Jason Chaffetz, would call upon Comey to divulge more information on how he could square his scalding of Clinton's decisions with his suggestion that she is not legally culpable. "We're going to have hearings," Ryan said, noting Comey did not take questions from the press. "There are a lot of unanswered questions here." Ryan also recommended that the Director of National Intelligence "should block her access to classified information" as a form of punishment. "There are a lot of unanswered questions here," Ryan said, though he did would not say that Comey folded to political pressure when asked. "He shredded the case that she had been making all year long," Ryan said.

So, on Thursday morning, up to the Hill will go James Comey to answer (again) all the questions he'd answered a day earlier, except this time he had to do it while spinning plates atop tall sticks and balancing a ball on his nose. Because, as the The San Francisco Chronicle demonstrates, this time, Comey is being asked to perform in a circus.

Rep. Mike Turner, R-Ohio, charged that "the investigation by the FBI is steeped in political bias" and called for appointment of an independent counsel in the case. Another House Republican, Paul Gosar of Arizona, tweeted a cartoon of a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card showing a winged Clinton flying out of a cage labeled "FBI." Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, voiced "serious concerns about the integrity of Director Comey's decision," arguing that Comey "has rewritten a clearly worded federal criminal statute."

(This "rewriting a statute" trope has quickly become the go-to argument for all Republicans who want to appear as though they know what they're talking about, rather than simply being walking direct-mail appeals.)

Nothing will happen on Thursday that changes a damn thing. Comey will handle the likes of Jason Chaffetz with surpassing ease. He will not change his mind. He might even give them more legitimate material to use against HRC, if they're smart enough to see it, which my money says they won't be.

[pullquote align='C']Comey gave them a new bicycle and they ran to their rooms, sobbing, because it wasn't a BMW.[/pullquote]

And, second, of course, is the huge sigh of disappointment that came from the elite political media, which is heavily invested in the pursuit of any Clinton for anything, and which desperately wants a presidential campaign worthy of the name.

On Wednesday morning, Squint and the Meat Puppet held what essentially was a moot court competition on the subject: HRC: Threat Or Menace? And The New York Times, the original host animal for Clinton Derangement Syndrome, followed up Comey's statement by printing what may be the most singularly stupid example of She Can't Catch A Break that I ever can recall reading. Did you know that having a charismatic and popular president campaign for you is really a drawback for your campaign? I didn't.

Mrs. Clinton, by her own admission, is not entirely comfortable as a campaigner. "This is not easy for me," she said at a debate this year, comparing her political skills unfavorably to those of her husband, former President Bill Clinton, and Mr. Obama. It looked easy for Mr. Obama. Thrust again into campaign mode, with his sleeves up and no jacket in sight, the president appeared grateful for the chance to riff. Almost immediately, he bantered easily with the crowd about the state's basketball and food. "I can't go to your house to get food," he said, staring back at an eager local, "though I'm sure you're an excellent cook." Then he began returning the favor to Mrs. Clinton, showering her with praise as she listened attentively, if a bit robotically. On Twitter, David Axelrod, Mr. Obama's former senior strategist, questioned her body language. "Someone has GOT to give @HillaryClinton an alternative maneuver to the bobblehead nod," he wrote.

Oh, for the everloving sake of fck, give me a break.

However, no matter what happens on Thursday or thereafter, the party is still going to nominate a vulgar talking yam next week and, on Wednesday night, down in Raleigh, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee had another "episode" in public. There was a lesson in rhetoric to be found in the heated babble that He, Trump ladled out in Raleigh. For example, if you want the fact that you accused the sitting attorney-general of the United States of taking a bribe not to dominate the next news cycle, the easiest way to do it is to go on to congratulate the late Saddam Hussein for his skill at killing "terrorists."

"Saddam Hussein was a bad guy, right? He was a bad guy. Really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good. They didn't read them the rights, they didn't talk. They were a terrorists—it was over. Today, Iraq is Harvard for terrorism."

It's really the Miranda decision that keeps American presidents from being Saddam Hussein, which is the way they should be acting, although maybe without the poison gas. I'm serious. Get the freaking net. And, no, the fact that he's dealt in this crazy nonsense for a year is no reason to wave it off when he goes off the meds again. In fact, that he's still doing it makes the story worse.

Later, speaking with noted historian Bill O'Reilly, He, Trump came right up to the edge of accusing the president of being in the bag.

O'REILLY: He clearly said that. Comey did. But I'm going to pose the question again. Do you believe the fix was in and that President Obama was involved in that?

TRUMP: I think it's extremely unusual that he is speaking two hours after the so-called exoneration, that he is speaking in North Carolina where I'm heading right now, by the way. I'm going to Raleigh where we have a big crowd. But I think it's a very unusual set of circumstances. And it began with President Clinton going on to an airplane, you know, just like oh, gee, hey, isn't this wonderful and a lot of people are saying where was he before? Was he playing golf or did he just go there, see her, and then leave because some people are saying that's what happened. Nobody knows where he was. Did he fly in and flight right out? Because that's a whole different circumstance. Because he said he was just in North Carolina. A lot of people said he was playing golf. They haven't been able to find out where he played golf. So, regardless, you have a set of circumstances which is absolutely horrendous set of circumstances as far as I'm concerned and as far as a lot of great lawyers are concerned.

O'REILLY: Are you going to accuse President Obama of influencing the case and are you going to accuse Hillary Clinton of committing a crime?

TRUMP: I'm going to further look into it and we will see what we shall see. And you will be certainly one of the first to know. That I can tell you. But I'm going to look into it very, very strongly and we will see what we will see.

All they had to do after Comey made his announcement was to be sane. They can't stop themselves. After 25 years, this shouldn't surprise anyone.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Esquire participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.