The Charge

All for one, and one for all.

Opening Statement

Paul W.S. Anderson's take on the legendary tale of fencing and boots involves
flamethrowers, anachronistic fighter blimps, and Milla Jovovich downshirts,
making Disney's 1993 adaptation look like an AFI Top 100.

Swordplay, slow-motion mortal combat, and an endless supply of painful line
reads ensue.

The Evidence

My fleeting memories of the trailers and marketing for The Three
Musketeers revealed a potentially interesting action movie; low-impact with
elements that could make it fun, specifically those crazy death blimps. While
I've found Anderson's previous efforts to be universally lamentable, I'm willing
to wipe the slate clean if a good time is delivered.

It wasn't. This movie is terrible.

Frantic, yet boring; stylized, yet dull. I didn't matter how many times
Jovovich leapt through the air in slow motion, I couldn't conjure a molecule of
interest. Not only is the action disappointing, but the lameness is oh so lame.
A character actually says "I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I
see you're unarmed"…and that's not event he worst dialogue
uttered.

D'Artagnan is the focal point, with the other Musketeers relegated to
support duty. The only problem: D'Artagnan is a supreme dink. Logan Lerman plays
him like a cocky hotshot a-hole who'd get kicked in the balls by a donkey in a
Disney movie, and it's hard to not vigorously root for the little snot to get
impaled with a rapier. Amazingly, he's out-douched by Orlando Bloom who, as the
villain, opted to swap "malevolent and sneering" for "preening
and punch-worthy." Seriously, this performance is so bad it nukes all that
Legolas goodwill in one swift move.

The Three Musketeers is a movie that should have a lot of action, but
there are only a couple sword-fightings and some CGI-laden airship battles which
are more surreal than thrilling. Of the two blade-centric outings, only one is
noteworthy: in a well-choreographed bout, The Musketeers murder a couple dozen
royal guards and get off with a wrist-slap, natch. Point awarded. Then there's
the final fight between D'Artagnan and the Big Bad…atop a church steeple?
About as believable as the Anakin/Obi-Wan fight on the lava planet, and just as
steeped in CGI. Point removed.

The movie might be tough to swallow, but The Three Musketeers
(Blu-ray) is a winner. The 2.35:1/1080p (AVC-encoded) transfer is gorgeous.
Anderson might make dumb movies, but he fills them with eye candy and lush
period detail, allowing the HD treatment to flex its muscles. Special effects
work suffers from the enhanced clarity, but it's not like you can make flying
sailing ships look real so whatever. The 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio is suitably
noisy, loud, and engulfing during the big moments.

Bonus features are impressive, starting with a robust in-movie experience
that serves up interviews, a running body count, trivia, and behind-the-scenes
footage. Featurettes follow, focused on Orlando Bloom's ridiculous character,
the modernization of The Musketeers story, the effects (Anderson laughably
claims to love shooting with as much practical elements as possible), and
location shooting (Bavaria). Lastly, some forgettable extended/deleted scenes
and an audio commentary from Anderson.

Closing Statement

The Three Musketeers (2011) is as empty a calorie experience as a
Three Musketeers candy bar.