Famous Last Meals of Mafia Dons, Kingpins, Capos and Hitmen*
*Other Tips On Being a Mafioso with Fractured Facts About the Mob

Monday, September 9, 2013

GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR

Big Julie, the original Don

VENI, VIDI, VICTIMALike every commuter late for work, hungover from a lavish dinner party the night before the fated Martio XV, XLIV hosted by Marcus Lepidus, Caesar's newly dubbed Magister Equitum, Don Julius dashed
outta the house after a lite breakfast of crusty bread with olive oil,
lemon juice (GJC was an avid juicer) and honey. Set to carpe diem, he
kissed wifey Calpurnia goodbye against her pleas to chill at home

A funny thing happened on the way to The Pompey - I got knifed by a bunch of townies lookin' to roll me

that
day. She had been having recent premonitory (not PMS) dreams and
wanted him by her side where she could keep an eye on him. She couldn't
convince her man to stay home from the office. Big Ang Raiola of "Mob
Housewives" couldha given Calpurnia a couple of tips that wouldha kept
Caesar home in bed that fateful day. All she needed to do was drop her
tunic and Caesar wouldha been safe and averted his assassins. His 'good'
friend Brutus talked him outta this one, "What is this, Caesar? Are you a man to pay
attention to a woman's dreams and the idle gossip of stupid men, and to
insult the Senate by not going out, although it has honored you and has
been specially summoned by you? But listen to me, cast aside the
forebodings of all these people, and come."
His doctor also wanted him home due to having recent dizzy spells.
Poetically it would be nice to keep Shakespeare's account of March 15th
with the soothsayer and the warning, "Beware the Ides of March they are
upon you," intact, however, that's not history, but indulge me with some 'poetic license.' Caesar hopped into his litter
manned by a quartet of slaves and headed out to the Theater of Pompey,
no, not the Forum. So this would be the part where he allegedly (Thanx Kathy Griffin for this tip to avoid a libel suit) runs into the sage
who had forewarned him previously to beware the Ides of March. Caesar
chided him with a, "Ya see it's the Ides of March, and I'm still here!"
Ah, but the seer reminded him not to get too cocky as the day was just
beginning (11:15). As the great Yankee catcher Yogi Berra always said,
"It ain't over til it's over."

The plot to assassinate Caesar had been brewing for a
while and the ringleader was Brutus. Not that it had anything to do with
Brutus and his band of brothers dispatching the tyrannical dictator,
but apparently Big Julie had even bedded down Brutus' mother, Servilia.
She was one of many extra marital conquests. JGC just couldn't keep his
penis praeputio under his toga.

He
was pushing the envelope all over the place. Just a month before Caesar
had crowned himself king, actually dictator, the first one in Rome in half a millennium.
Seems the last one in DIX b.c., Tarquinius
Superbus (Tarquin the Proud), had been ramrodded out of town by the
masses for raping the daughter of a rich patrician (probably got some great tips from Harvineous Weinsteinius and not allegedly this
time) and the people would not let him get away with it. Caesar also had
the balls to order coins minted with his mug on them, unheard of for a
living Emperor of Rome.

"We'll always have Rome."

Then there was the affair with Cleopatra. Had it not been for the torrid and illicit romance of these two storied lovers, Liz
and Dick never wouldha been onea the hottest, stormiest and steamiest love affairs
to ever come outta Hollywood. They met circa MCMLX on the set of
"Cleopatra" with Rex Harrison playing Caesar, Liz Taylor as Cleo and the brooding
Welshman, Richard Burton as lover Marc Antony (no, not Jennifer Lopez's
throwaway). Liz and Dick smoldered together in technicolor. Hurry, hurry. Read all about it:

“Emperor of Rome Knocks Up Queen

of the Nile! Wowch! Queen Cleo Purportedly treated by local physician for rug burn!"

Oh,
the juicy details! Cleo even came gift wrapped rolled in a rug! They
took this affair to the hilt, eventually having a bastard son. It had all the earmarks of good dirty dish!

But the question on
the tip of everyone's tongue re Caesar: Boxers or
briefs? Neither...commando!!! Toga, toga, toga! Uuuu, ya gotta love a
man sporting a toga with easy access especially crowned with a laurel wreath. Makes even the baldies look appealing. Gives new meaning
to 'hold the zucchini' on that veggie panini sand
order, AND fortunately for Caesar, not "the most unkindest cut of all." Seems his uncut penis was also "Home of the Whopper!" King
Julius had been pushing the envelope for a while and these "liberators"
as they called themselves would not have it any longer. There were a
lot of nefarious goings on leading up to this. Details in place, the
plot was a go. After JGC seated himself in his chair next to the Theatre of Pompey, the senators
gathered around him, there was a kerfuffle, Caesar stood and Servilius
Casca took the first stab, the second was the fatal one, and 21 stab
wounds followed leaving "The Boss," pink slipped in a pool of blood on
the floor. Hence the term "backstabbers" was coined and 2016 years later
the O'Jays shot to #1 on the R&B Charts with their breakthrough
hit: http://youtu.be/T6h1BV7FZqs.

Fast
forward a few hours, servants came to carry the body back home and
another milestone event in history. Caesar's body was the first on record to be
autopsied. Friends, Romans, countrymen, Caesar has left the building.NEWSFLASH...This just in: The motive of the assassins has been determined. This was pre Julian Calender times which meant Rome was still using the old lunar calendar. Did I hear a so what?!!! So what made it so the ides of March marked the full moon. Quisque insanus as they said in Rome!

The McRoman With Cheese Breakfast Sandwich Ciabatta rolls work the best for this quickie, on-the-go breakfast special.Slice
open width wise and drizzle w/EVOO (Extra virgin olive oil). My tasty
twist on this: sprinkle with either grated parmigiano reggiano/pecorino
Romano/asiago or lucatel cheese. Personally, I'd go w/the lucatel as it's a
bit softer and melts better, and if you're planning on taking the podium and orating, I'd stay away from the more rank parmesan/pecorino Romano.A dash of salt and freshly ground pepper.Wrap in foil, set your sun dial for 7 minutes and heat at 275 degrees. Heating makes the bread crispy, melts the cheese,
enhances the flavor and if you're preparing this for the don, it's the
only way with fresh squeezed organic lemon juice laced with some honey to avoid a flogging.

About Me

Witty ex NYer with Sicilian roots and east coast sensibilities still intact. I love & miss NY pizza, a crispy cannoli bursting with filling w/choco chips please, no citronella! Pair it with a latte and I'm in heaven.