First congratulations on your new contract that extends your tenure as the General Manager of the St. Louis Cardinals. No one really wanted to like you when you supplanted the most popular Cardinal GM ever, but here we are in 2010 and you've come a long way, baby.
I have to admit that when I first heard the rumors regarding Roy Oswalt a couple of weeks back, I was pretty much all 'yeah fucking right, why don't we go after Hanley Ramirez while we're at it too'. As of Friday morning, Jayson Stark is breathlessly reporting that Oswalt wants to come to the STL, he's willing to waive his demand to be guaranteed his option in 2012 and that you're actually pretty close to making this deal.

Nice work, playboy.

Like it or not, us Cardinal fans have turned into little crackheads. Around the end of July we get the itch real bad for some super premium player to come to us via trade so you can parade him around and he can tell us how he's always wanted to play here and we're the best fans in baseball and we can give standing ovations and curtain calls for strikeouts and such. I mean, if you didn't want us to behave like this, you wouldn't have gone out and got Matt Holliday. Or you'd at least would have let him walk in the off-season so we could wallow in the shame of trading future stars for a first round playoff loss.

But you signed Holliday. And now we need the Oswalt. WE NEED THE OSWALT!

You know all those people telling you not to trade prospects for Oswalt? You've heard those guys and gals, right? Well fuck their fucking faces and give up everything and then some to get this guy in the Cardinals uniform.

What's that?

Glad you asked. It's my boner. And he just heard about Wainwright, Carpenter, Oswalt going 1,2,3 in a short playoff series.

I bet Houston is really lying through their teeth right now; giving you the old run-around and misdirection. But trust us, Houston has a long and rich tradition of screwing the pooch come crunch time. They're going to get rid of one of the best pitchers in the NL and they're going to give him to you. Please remember that these dolts are from Texas. They think you're smart because you have glasses. Don't do anything to let them think otherwise. Just sit, stare and act tough. They'll fork him over.

You may be wondering about next year and the year after and what a trade would do to the Cardinals and the minor league system. Well don't. Because I could get hit by a bus today and never see Shelby Miller pitch a single inning in Busch Stadium. I want instant gratification and I want Roy Oswalt.