This may come to no surprise for those of you who’ve ever walked home from a party by yourself past People’s Park when some unsuspecting gentleman exclaims “Daaayum girl, you’ve got some fine ankles!” Or maybe you’ve tried to silently weave through the sleeping quarters (a.k.a. the sidewalk) of snoring residents while tipsy: the People’s Park sobriety test.

Or perhaps you’ve tried to offer an unopened loaf of bread (name brand, we might add) only to be scoffed at and asked, “what am I supposed to do with that?” Our point is that People’s Park is not the kind of place you’d take your kids to play on the jungle gym or have a picnic, and the people who call it “home, sweet park” are not exactly ideal neighbors.

Just ask one Hillegass Avenue resident who recently confronted several People’s Parkians about their abandoned belongings on the sidewalk. The guy was reportedly pushed to the ground and then sprayed with his own hose in a brawl, last Wednesday, that we can only imagine was quite unpleasantly scented. Takeaway message: those creepers in the park that compliment your ankles late at night really are creepy.

Free computer access in the MLK Student Union went kerplutz when campus officials declined to fix a couple of broken CampusLink terminals last weekend. Those are the nifty, open-to-public computers near the Cal student store that invite vandalism, indiscriminate urination, and defacement of school property by vandals and vagrants that come in off the streets, said the university.

“One of the issues was that it’s a public open space being used by nonstudents who tend to sit there and take up a lot of time on the computer,” CEO Bill Haynor of CampusLink told the Berkeley Daily Planet. “I think the university was not happy with that. We have been at UC Berkeley for seven years, but this is the first time they shut us down.”

Haynor also said that the shut down may have to do with students using the computers to surf the internet for porn, when they weren’t using them to level up their fierce warrior gremlins.