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Sunday, May 03, 2015

Year Three: Might As Well Jump - OUT THE WINDOW!!!

It
has been a really long time since I have done a Sunday Jukebox style entry, and
as it so happens, today's featured tale from my years gone by surrounds a
particular song.

A
song that terrified me beyond words.

This
is the story of Year Three. And, let's
just say that the third year of my life was a rather eventful one. It was really difficult to select just one
memory from that time period. It's also
probably the time in which I remember some of my earliest memories. Everything prior to 1984 is a little bit
fuzzy.

My
third year of life involved a couple of near-death experiences, believe it or
not. I fell down the basement stairs at
my grandparents and got all bruised and bloodied up. I also nearly drowned in a swimming pool because I thought that
for some reason I could walk on top of a swimming pool cover. And I also tumbled off the top of a slide
and split my head open on the bottom.

I
suppose you could say that 1984 was not a very good year for me. I think my parents got the majority of their
gray hairs that year alone worrying about me!
What can I say? I was a klutz.

But
that's not to say that everything about my third year of life was that
bad. I did get obsessed with the board
game "Bed Bugs", I discovered my love for "Inspector Gadget",
and I learned how to talk that year.
Mind you, I was one of those rare kids that learned how to read before I
learned how to talk, but once I said my first word, I never quite shut up
since!

But
before we get into today's personal story from the Pop Culture Archives, let's
see what was big in pop culture during the year that Los Angeles hosted the
Summer Olympics.

First
things first, do I have a picture that was taken in 1984?

Oh,
yeah. There I am. Not sure why I have such a sober look on my
face. Maybe I'm just dazed from all of
the falls that I took as a child. Who
can say? Oh, and apparently there's a
gigantic blue crayon just randomly floating above my head. It was the 1980s. Some things that decade could not be explained.

Now
onto the music, movies, and television.

#1 SONG OF THE WEEK OF 5/18/84

"Hello" - LIONEL RICHIE

The
song itself is wonderfully cheesy, and I liked the video...up until the end
where we see the incredibly frightening bust of Lionel. I keep telling myself that the girl who made
the bust is blind. She's BLIND!!!

#1 AT THE BOX OFFICE THE WEEK OF 5/18/84

"The Natural"

I've
never seen this movie, but judging by the trailer, I think it might look
interesting.

#1 SHOW FOR THE 1984/1985 SEASON

"Dynasty"

I
suppose that there was something hypnotic about Joan Collins and Linda Evans
getting into one catfight after another...

Now,
on with today's story. A story which
actually starts a few months before I turned three. But by the time that I was three years old, a particular song was
playing on the radio at every possible opportunity, and every time I heard the
song playing, I had a full blown panic attack.

Like,
picture this. Here I am on top of my
beloved rocking horse wearing my sunglasses at night like Corey Hart and
wearing a sweater that would make Cliff Huxtable proud. And I was as happy as a clam.

Well,
that is until my siblings would turn on PAC-93 and a particular song would come
on. Then I would leap off of my horse
quicker than the Lone Ranger would jump off of Silver, run to the stereo as if
I were an Olympic sprinter, and shut that thing off so that I couldn't listen
to that horrible song ever again.

So,
what song sent terror into my heart?

It
was this one.

ARTIST:Van Halen

SONG: Jump

ALBUM: 1984

DATE RELEASED: December
21, 1983

PEAK POSITION ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS:#1
for 5 weeks

You
want to know what I think caused my fear of the song? I blame MuchMusic.

Well,
not really. I don't blame the station
that used to play music videos. You
see, MuchMusic (which was Canada's version of MTV) debuted in September 1984,
and some of the videos that were most played when the station first came on
were the top hits of 1983-1984. And
back in those days, MuchMusic was a rarity.
Until my family got access to cable television in 1988, we could only
get MuchMusic on special preview weeks.

As
it so happened, one of those preview weeks just happened to be at a time in
which they played Van Halen's "Jump" constantly.

And
watching the video, I think I know why I was so scared of the song.

The
video is admittedly laughably cheesy today.
But at age three, seeing David Lee Roth and the other members of Van
Halen in close up shots with them swinging their instruments around and making
scary faces...that was enough to sour me on the song forever.

I
think that's what caused so much terror in me.
I thought that they were going to jump through the television screen and
either beat me to death with an electric guitar or strangle me with a leopard
print scarf.

Hell,
there was a time in which I thought David Lee Roth was going to eat me.

And
to make matters worse? The song was
tied with Prince's "When Doves Cry" as one of the longest charting #1
singles that year. That meant that the
radio played the song a LOT.

My
fear of Van Halen kind of became a recurring joke among my family. They poked fun at my misery - which I
suppose I couldn't blame them. Who in
the world could be afraid of a song? I
think my fear of "Jump" got so bad that when it started randomly
playing at Woolco one day, my mom actually had to take me out of the store and
leave me with Dad so she could finish shopping there, I got THAT freaked out.

(You
know...given that I work for the store that bought Woolco out, I wonder if any
of the people working there in '84 remember my freakout? Nah.)

Of
course, over time, the fear faded, and at some point, I could sit through
"Jump" without feeling the urge to change the station or throw a
brick through the television screen. By
2005, I was perfectly cured.

Well,
okay. It was a lot earlier than
2005. But, to be honest,
"Jump" will never be one of my favourite songs. Might be an unpopular opinion, but I kind of
liked Van Halen during the Sammy Hagar years.

Hmmm...maybe
it was just David Lee Roth that I was afraid of.

So,
that closes the chapter on the third volume of the blog. Oh, but do stay tuned for volume four. It's a significant chapter in my life that
was filled with many firsts.