Thursday, September 25, 2014

Scanned Thoughts: Cyclops #5

We’ve all had to rely on assholes to help us every now and then. Sometimes
we have to coordinate with a neighbor who steals our paper or an ex-girlfriend
who doesn’t return our underwear. But we don’t always have the luxury of
avoiding them, especially when clean underwear is at a premium. I imagine that’s
a lot more common for a pirate and not just because they have to deal with
dirty underwear. They don’t always have the luxury of making a lot of friends.
Corsair is lucky in that he was able to make friends with a few kick-ass alien
outlaws, one of which happened to be a sexy alien cat lady. But with him and O5
Cyclops stranded on an alien planet, he can no longer take comfort in the
knowledge that he has a sexy alien cat-lady to support him. That hasn’t stopped
him from being awesome, giving O5 Cyclops the kind of fatherly love that might
have made him less an asshole later in life. But now in order to get off this
alien planet, they’re going to have to rely on assholes that would prefer to
deep fry their entrails and piss on their bones. Cyclops #5 promises to be the
part where O5 Cyclops starts putting the advice of his badass pirate father to
good use. Unlike most big tests 16-year-old boys have to take, this isn’t one they
can cheat or rely on the internet to pass.

Having fixed the tracking beacon in the previous issue, it doesn’t take long
for someone to pick up on it. And since O5 Cyclops and Corsair were unlucky
enough to get stranded on an alien planet in the first place, it shouldn’t
surprise them in the slightest that the first bounty hunter to pick up on it
happens to be a real asshole. His name is Travis and he’s basically a cross
between a Skrull and Chris Brown. He treats others like shit, especially an
alien slave girl named Savva, because he couldn’t call himself a professional
asshole if he didn’t. He and a few of his alien buddies are on the prowl for a
big payday and another opportunity to be assholes. On an alien planet with a wrecked
Baddoon ship, they probably think they just stumbled into a cottage of sick
puppies.

They survey the scene that has been O5 Cyclops and Corsair’s home for the
past couple of issues. As they do this, O5 Cyclops throws in some of the nice
narration that has given this whole series a great voice since it began. He
basically explains that his father’s plan for these guys is the kind of plan
that Blackbeard himself would’ve loved. He wanted to kill these guys, take
their ship, and probably give them the finger at some point along the way. O5
Cyclops, still being the boy scout that hasn’t been corrupted by the Phoenix
Force or Emma Frost’s pussy, isn’t okay with that. He opts for a more humane
approach and that involves being a bit more cunning.

That means turning the exotic alien animals that they’ve been dining on for
the past few days against them. This ensures these ruthless hunters will be
nice and pissed. That sounds like a shitty plan on paper, but this is still
Cyclops. Even as a teenager, he does know a thing or two about strategy and he
learned at an early age that even ruthless bounty hunters make lousy decisions
when their pissed. This is exactly why the Hulk should never attempt to buy a
used car.

After letting these guys trip over their asses and doing everything possible
not to laugh, Corsair ambushes them and traps them in as humane a way a pirate
ever could. It’s a satisfying moment because this is a guy whose first
inclination is to stab bounty hunters no fewer than 15 times the moment he sees
them. I’m guessing that’s just an instinct every wanted pirate develops at some
point. Yet his son convinced him that this instinct, like the one that tells
drunks they can dance, isn’t the best instinct to follow. It shows that while
Corsair has done plenty to influence O5 Cyclops since this series began, O5
Cyclops is influencing him as well. It’s another beautiful example of the
father/son dynamic that makes this series more fun than a box of porn and a
cooler full of beer.

While Corsair is busy suppressing his pirate instincts, O5 Cyclops launches
his part of the attack as well. This involves sneaking past Travis and his
buddies while they’re doing some looting and sneaking onto his ship.
Unfortunately, that ship is still being guarded by Savva, the girl Travis was
treating like shit earlier. It seems like a perfect opportunity for O5 Cyclops
to use the same charm that will one day earn him a place in Jean Grey and Emma
Frost’s panties. So he attempts to confront her peacefully, trying to be as
cute as possible. While this might work on telepaths, it doesn’t work on her. I
suppose that’s another skill he’ll have to refine at some point. A good pirate,
like a good X-man, must be able to seduce pretty girls into avoiding a fight,
even if they’re alien.

Once O5 Cyclops’ charm fails, he puts all those sword-fighting skills his
father has been teaching him to good use. It’s a very different kind of fight
for O5 Cyclops, who so often relies on his fists or his optic blasts. It would
be like Wolverine using a baseball bat instead of his claws or a katana. But it’s
still plenty effective and O5 Cyclops looks like a real pirate in the process.
It makes me think that this comic should’ve come with a warning saying that any
woman who happens to be a telepath, has red hair, or was once a stripper at the
Hellfire Club should carry an extra pair of panties. I’m pretty sure they’ll
need them after seeing this.

It’s a very well-designed clash, but one O5 Cyclops keeps trying to end. He
urges Savva to surrender, but she repeatedly refuses. She says she’ll either
kill him or he’ll kill her. O5 Cyclops still has a problem with that so he does
the third best thing, after attempting to reason with her and attempting to
charm her. He finally uses his optic blasts, but only to open up one of the
holding cells on the sip. He then traps her in the most merciful way possible.
He couldn’t have been more merciful without offering a back massage, but Savva
warns him that the rest of his plan will wind up killing them anyways. It
sounds like a really lousy bluff from someone at a poker table, but since she’s
a cute alien girl and he’s a teenage boy, he foolishly listens.

Outside the ship, another epic swordfight erupts. This time Corsair gets in
on the action, showing that he’s not quite as merciful as his son. He still
avoids the burning urge to kill these bounty hunters and spit on their corpses,
but that doesn’t keep him from being a little rougher. It’s demonstrates nicely
that while Corsair might not be a mutant, he’s still a badass pirate. And this
time he was able to beat these bounty hunters without his sexy alien cat
girlfriend providing support. That alone should earn him bonus points.

For a moment, it looks like the plan has succeeded. Corsair and O5 Cyclops
took out all the bounty hunters without killing them and now they have a ship
to get them off this planet. It’s a plan that worked so well that, like the
fine print of an Apple user agreement, it can’t possibly pan out. Sadly, this
is exactly what happens. Before Corsair can even enjoy his triumph, O5 Cyclops
emerges from the ship with Savva as her prisoner. She orders that he surrender
and Corsair is understandably pissed.

They spent days stranded on an alien planet learning to swordfight and he
couldn’t subdue a cute girl? Any father would be disappointed, but O5 Cyclops
hints that he has a plan. So Corsair decides to table the spanking and go along
with it. If anyone else other than Cyclops, even a time-displaced version of
him, asked him to do something like this, Corsair would have immediately gone
back to following his basic pirate instincts. But he knows as well as the X-men
that Cyclops has a plan and it usually works, even when the Avengers turn
against him.

But why the hell did O5 Cyclops surrender to her anyways? Did she promise to
let him touch her boobs or something? That might be acceptable to some, but
there’s another explanation that’s a bit less crude. She and Travis are part of
this race where they take an oath to not eat until they capture a bounty. It
sounds like an extreme form of fasting that would probably make for a good
hippie protest, but not a good tactic for a bounty hunter. And since Savva is
their slave, she can’t eat either and she would’ve died even if O5 Cyclops let
her and the others live. They’re just that dedicated. They’re basically the
opposite of congressmen.

While Savva does keep her oath, she also keeps another that she made to O5
Cyclops. That involved letting him and Corsair out of their cells just as they’ve
finished gorging like hungry wolf in a bacon factory. Since she’s big on
keeping oaths, O5 Cyclops makes sure it works out for all of them. He blasts
them with his optic blasts. Corsair throws a few punches. And since they were
all probably close to a food coma anyways, it wasn’t a fair fight in the
slightest. Yet it still felt satisfying, primarily because cute girls coming to
the rescue never gets old.

Later on, all the bounty hunters are in their cells and Corsair now has
control of a ship. So their plan worked, albeit indirectly and with a few
complications. But now they’re back on track and can continue this father/son
road-trip throughout the galaxy. Naturally, O5 Cyclops asks Savva to join them
since it looks like tagging along with Travis is like being Chris Brown’s
punching bag. But she refuses. Again, she’s big on keeping her oaths. It’s
tough for a teenager to understand, but Corsair tells him that everybody finds
out at some point how valuable someone’s promise is. Later on in life, it’s
right up there with experience in blowjobs in terms of importance.

So anyone who was complaining about there being too many Andy Griffith
moments for the past few issues can finally stop their bitching with this one.
This issue was no alien fishing trip. It was O5 Cyclops’ first opportunity to
be a badass pirate while still retaining his boy scout hero persona. And if
this were a final exam, he would’ve passed with flying colors and guys like me
would’ve been cheating off him. He and Corsair didn’t just escape the alien
planet. He did it without killing anybody and keeping a cute alien girl from
being harmed. That’s like hitting for the cycle in the World Series for a
teenager. It was Cyclops without the all the dark undertones that have plagued
his character for over a decade. It helps remind X-men fans why Cyclops is
awesome in the first place. This issue definitely got that message across,
continuing with the theme of making O5 Cyclops one of the most lovable
characters in Marvel not named Kamala Khan. Cyclops #5 gets a 9 out of 10. So
far this series had great father/son moments, solid action, and a few cute
alien girls. Anybody who finds a reason to complain about it at this point is
just being an asshole. Nuff said!

Yeah, it's a shame he can't stay on longer. I hope at some point he gets another X-men book. I'd LOVE for him to take over Uncanny X-men once Bendis is done, whenever that may be. But that might be asking for too much.

About Me

I am a lifelong comic book fan. My favorite comic has always been X-men and my lifelong dream is to be an X-men writer. Since I'm still a ways from realizing that dream, I settle for writing my own series which I have entitled X-men Supreme.