Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Dear Blog,I like to drink my strong-imported-from-San-Francisco-french-pressed-coffee and read the morning news made out of paper. This morning I discovered that these days I care very little about the latest bullshit from Bush, Baghdad and Barack. What compels me is the front-page news of Lindsay Lohan's cocaine 'n' alcohol Memorial Day weekend binge. I scan the Iraq Casualty/Hillary Clinton headlines, but read the entire article about Lindsay Lohan's fuck-ups. And I love it. I want more from Lindsay. I want Lindsay to wrinkle early, to burn visible cocaine holes in her face, to get fat. This is front-page news in America. I don't want to be sad and frustrated that poor kids who want to go to college on the GI bill are being killed along with thousands of darkies in the Cradle of Civilization. I want to feel good about myself. And knowing that Lindsay, Paris & Brittney appear to be empty vessels of insecurity, self-loathing and saddness, makes me feel good about myself! Love The UkuLadyPS: I'm also compelled by the Food section. I like it when the restaurant critics hate. I like the expensive fussy-food restaurants to be ripped apart and the cheap taco trucks & pie shacks, celebrated.PPS: Unfortunately Lindsay's latest debacle will only earn her more money as no publicity is bad publicity. If only she'd give some of her endorsement cash to the homeless junkies who can't afford the outrageously-priced rehabs; instead she purchases thousand-dollar tee-shirts to wear with No Underwear.PPS: I just called Promises Rehab Center and they refused to tell me how much they charge per day. And their website does not offer that information. If you have to ask, you can't afford it. PPPS: I feel like a real Beat Reporter doing actual blog-research to give my readers the price of Lindsay's rehab center! I feel smugly self-satistfied, pleased with my brief foray into real fact-finding. PPPPS: I'll continue the rehab-price-research, but not right now.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Dear Blog,There is a sherry called DrySack. So dirty. It just can't avoid sounding like a withered leathered dry testicle sac. I'm drinking it in the recording studio right now and mixing down a song about going shopping with Donald Trump, who I think resembles a DrySack. Not the sherry. Love The UkuLadyPS: Watched some Hawaii Five O this afternoon and sipped DrySack with my pal. Hawaii Five 0 is an incredible show.

Dear Blog!If people were made out of chocolate we'd all have to live in Scandinavia, The North Pole or Greenland, so's not to melt. Then we'd all become really skilled at winter sports, ice fishing and the summer Olympics would probably die out. The Pioneers probably never tasted chocolate.Also:1. Bluff Yourself! The Game! It seems like everyone in LA is playing that game.2. Blahverages - really boring drinks.Love The UkuLadyPS: I recently misspelled my name Thessalty. That's me when I'm feeling pirate-ish, but not the stupid movie franchise bullshit, barely salvageable by the Hottest Man Alive, Johnny Depp. Non-sell-out-yet piratey.PPS: When I have a cold or allergies, I'm Sniffaly Lerner.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Dear Blog,The UkuLady has been Banned from Canters! I showed up for my final show on Tuesday, to the news that a Canter's patron called to complain that The UkuLady is Too Loud and Terribly Offensive. Someone hated me so much that they actually took time out of their day to use the telephone to bitch. Perhaps The Offended hadn't slept well that night with queries such as "Who Can we Hate Now that Saddam is dead?" and visions of Brittney Spear's cooter-meat being strapped into her panties-TheUkuLady-will-show-her-how-to-put-on, haunting his pastrami-digesting dreams That's awesome! Someone's meatwich was ruined by a diminutive cultural-Heeb playing ukulele! That's Power! Maybe as The Offended was biting into his 'wich, the pastrami swelled into view, a bright cooter-red, as I simultaneously sang the word Vagina or Fuck; although after my second censorship warning, I really curbed the Fucks, replacing it with Fuhh.... or F'ed.My initial thought was Paris Hilton had been at Canter's and heard my new song about going to jail together and I got really excited. But I don't think Paris eats solid food.So the news of no show was jarring, as I had a crew of supporters coming to the Kibitz Room to hear me play. Ultimately I used my adorability and Emerson College Interpersonal Communication skills and talked Bea into letting The UkuLady play her final show. I told her I would be really quiet and not say fuck or vagina. I tried, but towards the end of my set I just couldn't hold back and as I knew I wouldn't be returning anyway, I played Jenna Bush, the first censured UkuLady song and closed the show with a rousing "We're Taking Ecstacy on Sunday; Instead of Worshipping the Patriarchal God, We'll Have Oral Sex In Bed." I was a huge hit. People loved me. And probably some hated me. Good Times.Love The UkuLadyPS: I've renamed my legs my Walking Arms.PPS: The UkuLady is floored by the stupidity and blindness of the peeps who built and wholeheartedly believe in The Creationism Museum, where children are being taught that humans and dinosaurs co-existed.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Dear Blog,This weekend it was determined that all meat is Holiday Meat! Ham, Lamb, Turkey, Steak, Hamburgers, Hot dogs! There was a discussion about Chicken being a rather non-special-occasion meat, and the reality is my people, The Heebs, always roast a chicken for Special Occasion Holidays. Even the humble Bologna is a celebratory eating event for some. My BFF from Amish Country (see www.TheUkulady.com songpage, The MakeOut Song), looks forward to his visits home and a homecoming holiday meal of special Amish-Country Bologna. Meat-Eating is a Special Occasion!On a related note, this morning I ran into a friend who was feeding her dog Beatrice a Braided Bull Penis. Seriously. Apparently it is a delicious-to-dogs-snack, for realsies. I was fascinated. The Braided Bull Penis looked like any other leathery pet-meat-snack, no signs of it's semi-shocking origins.Love The UkuLadyPS: I was pleased my pal was feeding Beatrice Braided Bull Penis. I heart alliteration!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Dear Blog,A couple days ago the front page of the New York Times featured a photograph of a dead Al Quada guy shrouded in a bright gay-pink sheet wraplet. He looked like a dead gay terrorist. It was a fucked up photo. The dead-guy on the front page part, not the cute pink shroudy-wrap. Queer eye probably gave the shroudlet a hearty Outfit Book Yes!Love The UkuLadyPS: I broke up with my roommate and it went extremely poorly. Much worse than my awesome breakup with my awesome (seriously) ex Boyfriend/Current Best Friendsie.PPS: Breakups aren't very funny. Too bad Brittney and Paris are laying so low. I could have used some celebrity downfall distraction today.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Dear Blog,The UkuLady is playing toy xylophone in the studio today! Re-living my breakup recording Another Breakup Song for the upcoming UkuLady album. Breaking up is hard to do...More on this coming soon.Love The Ukulady

Monday, May 14, 2007

Dear Blog,I forgot to tell you that Now We Have Faces! is the awesome collaboration between me and my delightful Sim voiceover work-associate, Jack. He finally graduated last year from college, so now we can take the magic that happens in the Sims recording studios, where we speak gibberish all day long, and creat magical, funny and beautiful things in English in the real world! It's funny hanging out with a recent college graduate and his pals because they are doing things like just discovering Tom Waits. And sometimes Bill (Sims producer) Chris (Sims engineer) and I will be chatting about 80's pop culture and Jack has no idea what we are talking about. OMG! For instance, I just tested Jack (He's sitting on the couch next to me) and I asked him if he knows who Cyndi Lauper is and he straightfaced, said no. He seriously doesn't know who she is. Ok, I just tested him again; I said, in order, "Do you know who RIcky Schroeder is? Gary Coleman? Golden Girls?" And he said no to all of them. And then he said, with an intellectual wave of his hand, "I mean, these are all people I've heard of...but..." OMG! OMG againsies! I just sang this song to Jack, "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air, I never thought I could feel so free..." And he has never heard that song. Imagine a life without the theme song from Greatest American Hero! Poor Jack. However, although we can't chat about Rose, Blanche, Dorothy and Ma, among the many great things about hanging out with a recent college grad, is he's totally got the scoop on technology, like youtube, myspace, google, final cut pro! For Jack and I in action see the new videos on The UkuLady's myspace page! and on Now We Have Faces myspace page! Love The UkuLadyPS: Hungry Like The Wolf video in NYC is up on www.TheUkuLady.com!

Dear Blog,Jack is crazy about proper grammar! He' so high maintenance but I love him anyway and Now We Have Faces, our new band, which I think needs an exclamation point at the end, but Jack is mulling that over, is totally awesomesies! We've written 3 kick-ass songs this weekend, but Jack won't let me put rough scratchy tracks on our myspace page because he's also a perfectionist. No wonder he went to Stanford. Love The UkuLadyPS: I'm going to put rough scratchy tracks on www.myspace/NowWeHaveFaces anyway. PPS: I get to because I'm older than Jack and sometimes I pull rank.PPPS: Being in a band with someone is like a marriage and takes a lot of Compromise. PPPPS: It's not hard to compromise with Jack though because he's awesome and hilarious.PPPPPS: Oh, Me and Jack, my co-worker on The Sims 2 (Teenage Boy) are a band and a comedy team and are working very hard to create some stellar content! www.myspace.com/NowWeHaveFaces

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Dear Blog!I've been meaning to blog (verb and noun!) about The Outfit Book forever and now's my chance! What is the Outfit Book? This is it:Dear Outfit Book!Today I looked so cute! I was wearing green capri's and a yellow shirt, the one with arm-sleeve stripes and everyone kept saying how slim and great I looked all day long! Love ThessalyOr:Dear Outfit Book!Today I looked totally hot! I was wearing my new red dress, knee socks and mary janes! Everyone noticed how cute I totally am! Love ThessalyOr:Dear Outfit Book!Low-rise jeans are totally out of control! Ass crack is not hot and neither is the Muffin-Top. Love ThessalyPS: Today I wore a pink tankini and orange flipflops!Or:Dear Outfit Book!Today I felt fat all day long and my underwear went up my ass all day. Please remember to throw away those stupid superman panties and never wear the cordoroy fatty-girl slacks. Love ThessalyLove The UkuLadyPS: Dear Outfit Book!International Party Girl, Paris Hilton wears the ugliest outfits! I hope she gets a yeast infection in jail.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

JetSetting & Sims Comedy Gold!Dear Blog!Last week was the most jet-setty week eversies! Within 2 days The UkuLady Felt the Magic in 4 major US cities, Boston, NYC, LA and SF! Upon my return to LA, I took a quickie yoga class with Tony (Remarkable yoga teacher: see wwwTheUkuLady.com song "Kick Ass Friend"), where I determined that yes indeed, minor indie-cult celebrity, Miranda July, is in my yoga class and we have spotted each other's handstands. She's not a very good spotter or handstander, but yoga isn't a place to judge, it's a place to gain understanding and expand outward while drawing inward to the core!UkuLady Jetset Schedule:TUESDAY:AM: Boston - NYCDay - PM: NYC - LApicked up by the awesome Don Black (www.TheUkuLady.com inspiration for "The MakeOut Song"), who I don't want to make out with anymore, but he has moved into Best Friend Spot Number Onesies! (in LA). We ate peanuts in his truck and I misheard him call himself Dr. Festival. He said something else, but who cares because Dr. Festival is hilarious.WEDNESDAY:AM: Piled-up-mail browse-through, quickie repack and off to yoga where I apparently have gained "muscle memory", because I wasn't as sucky as I would have thought after such a long yoga hiatus.Afternoon: Burbank - Oakland! for a record-comedy-notebook Sim Session Thursday! Sim voiceover director/Funniest-Man-Alive (tiesies with D. Black) Bill, was in rare form. He had been in the Sims studio for 12 days in a row. Here are the highlights! Understand these highlights are born from 6 hours of speaking gibberish. That's improv! :SIM SESH HIGHLIGHTS:1. Ready and…Tai Chi!2. Color me Crazy!3. Friend + Energy = Frengery!!!4. A Ricotta Frittata on Ciabatta, eaten at the Regatta on the Watah.5. Party Luge to the SexOlympics! It was funny at the time.6. The Glove Boot.7. Get ready for the LernerBurger with Conte Sauce (Jack Conte is my teen Sim counterpart). No one's ever called me LernerBurger. Love it.8. Anonymous Sex Island!9. Hobosexual – the gay homeless train-hoppers.9.1 Man Glance! Perhaps what Hobosexuals shoot each other…9.2 Bitch Tap! A new musical.9.3 Tai Cheese.9.4 Knife Eyes! A cousin of the Man Glance?10. Comedy Wishes: Such as, "Please let Satan invite me to his birthday party!"11. Jack said, "Thess can't reach because she has Shrinky arms."12. Chicken Strips at the Strip Mall13. Fish Sticks vs. Fish Strips14. The Cooter Computer.15. A Chair-Hog is Mr. Greedy Chairs.16. What is the opposite of the Friend Heart?17. 17. Cherish the Rainbow! A demand.Love The UkuLadyPS: Bill is as funny as S. Colbert. As funny as J. Black. He's amazing.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Dear Blog,The front page to the LA Times this morning featured a color picture of Paris Hilton and the headline, Paris Goes to Jail! I added the exclamation point! Blog and Readiers, I hope that whore gets prisonrapef***ed up the ass with a steel pipe. Seriously. I really kind of hope that happens to Paris Hilton in the Lynwood jail, where she will spend 45 days for drunk driving around LA for the third time. Perhaps it's awful and mean of me to wish such violence on another human being, but I so greatly dislike Paris and sickly, it would bring me joy to see her feel pain. In other news, Brittney is doing secret Brittney shows at House Of Blueses around the globe. How boring. Do something interesting, Brittney, like get knocked up again by someone really repulsive or scandalous or do something self-destructive and summon Child Protective Services to your Malibu mansion again . Performing is boring. I hope Brittney and Paris release a lesbian sex tape. Meanwhile, the UkuLady is back in LA, navigating traffic caused by drunked celebrities in beemers and illegal immigrants in mini-vans. Love The UkuLadyPS: I'm so jetlagged nothing is very funny, so apologies for a somewhat boring blog. Sims session comedy-notes coming soon!