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Sunday, February 15, 2009

no really, he's just not that into you

My sophomore year in college, this book was published and a lot of hoopla and hype came with it. It was so popular that on Gilmore Girls - known for its short quips referencing pop culture - the library area of the Dragonfly Inn had a bookshelf filled only with copies of the book. My best friend at the time received the book as a Christmas gift from her mother and after reading it proclaimed that it changed her life. It became our guide, of sorts, to relationships - and my friends and I would take turns nightly, reading a chapter to each other and coming to understand when a guy is just not that into you.

The concept was introduced to me at just the right time. I was falling for a senior at Columbia who had shown persistent interest which I had initially met with reluctance and rejection. But the moment I showed him interest he began giving me the run around. He didn't want to be in a relationship because he was sooo unsure about where his life was headed after graduation. I would see. When I was senior, I would understand how hard it was to even think about starting something new with someone when I didn't know where I was going to be in six months. But yet, you still somehow make time to (make out) hang out with me? Hmph. Thanks to the great advice from the little pink hardcover, I realized really quickly that he was full of (sh)it. Goodbye!

I did end up in a relationship that year, with someone who was totally into me. But after sometime it became apparent that he didn't love himself, so there was no way he could have really loved me. His insecurities started to make me unbalanced and that I could not handle. I was too young and too fly (still am) to take on somebody else's issues. Good riddens.

These two relationships in particular really made me evaluate how approach men and I developed a set of rules to live by:

1. relationships should be black and white, no gray areas

Now there is always some exception to the rule, but for the most part either you're with me or you're not. It's that simple. We can date for a while without any titles, but when it comes down to it, either I'm your girl or I'm not. If you can't handle just being with me, you don't need to be with me.

2. demand the respect that you deserve

Self explanatory. Yet not enough women really enforce it. And when we all enforce it and stop putting up with the bs then, maybe, just maybe men will stop acting like little boys. (Wishful thinking, i know.)

3. if he wants to talk to you, he knows how to get in touch

In this digital age when in addition to landlines we have cell phones which call, text, video and picture message, multiple email addresses, facebook and myspace pages, aim, and even snail mail - it is easier than ever for a man can to get in touch with you. So if he wants to talk to you, he will. And if he doesn't, well... you know the rest.

4. be upfront, don't play games

In my experience, men seem to assume that all women are playing games, or playing them. (Maybe because that's what they are doing to us?) But with me, what you see is what you get and I firmly believe in being upfront about who I am and what I want from a relationship. If he can't handle it, bye. If he doesn't believe me, his loss. The fact of the matter is, I am a busy woman with a lot on my plate; but if I like you, I like you and I tell you. All I want from a man is to do the same.

Seeing the recent movie version of He's Just Not That Into You today was a timely reminder of these tride and true guidelines that have done me well over the past few years. And also of my old adage: Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them.

But do tell me, what are the guidelines that you live by when it comes to men or women? Am I forgetting anything? Or what are your stories that are the exception to the rules?