Monday, July 19, 2010

ÄSP Adds Umlaut In Preparation For Mid-Year Surfer Cull.

Wed 21st July 2010 – An already tumultuous year in professional surfing has taken a further twist with the ÄSP announcing that from today it will now have an umlaut – those two cool, slightly germanic dot things that perform no discernible function – hovering over its initial letter.

Those inside the organisation say grammatical shake-ups have been on the drawing board for a considerable time.

“When the rebel-tour shitstorm was brewing back in late 2009, we looked at a number of options to give us some edge” says a source,“focus groups saw ÅSP and ÆSP testing strongly for us, but the whole thing lost momentum.”

Now, though, it appears ASP bigwigs have seen the looming cull of the top 45 surfers back to 32 amid the slabs of Teahupo’o as ripe time to breathe a cold air of Germanic steel into its corporate paintwork.

“It’s good enough for Mötley Crüe and Mödern Collective then it’s good enough for us” reads a release on the ÄSP’s website. “We want the backmarkers, the poor schmucks who haven’t made it through a heat yet this year, those soon-to-be also-rans, to behold the ÄSP’s authority with awe as it dispatches them into neverland.”

The ÄSP commissioned in-demand designer and DJ Stefan Swoopmeister to come up with its bold new look. The friendly, blue flowing swooshes of the old logotype have been replaced with a look Swoopmeister describes as “striking, in a neo-militaristic kind of way.”

“Fittingly, for a grammatical mark comprised of two dots, the benefits for our über organisation are two-fold”, barked CEO Brodie Carr. “First up, we’re tapping into that whole Mödcol skinny jean bohemian thing, which is where it’s at right now, and secondly, well, just look at it: ÄSP, we're now officially not to be fucked with.”