SCENE:
On an ordinary October evening in a multipurpose venue in an unidentified swing state, Barack Obama and running mate Joe Biden step into the same elevator, at the same time, as John McCain and Sarah Palin. That elevator then gets stuck somewhere between floors 8 and 12. The situation quickly grows dire.

OBAMA

This is a critical moment.

MCCAIN

My friends... It's going to be tough.

BIDEN

Ladies and Gentlemen...Folks... this may be, literally, the single most important situation any of us have ever been in.

PALIN

Maverick.

MCCAIN

(Laughing, rubbing his hands together)

BIDEN

What are you so happy about John? God love ya! We are literally trapped. And I mean it sincerely.

MCCAIN

Finally, the focus is off the economy!

BIDEN

Listen Folks... Now I grew up in Scranton, Pennsylvania and when I was growing up my Dad used to tell me: "Champ, when you get stuck in an elevator, push the emergency call button." And that always stuck with me.

OBAMA

I think what Joe's trying to say is that we've reached this point due to years of failed leadership and flawed engineering policies. At this moment in our history, we need to move forward together and say "yes we can" - yes we can reach the desired floor - and yes we can get out of this elevator.

PALIN

This reminds me of the suffering of the people of Ireland who, that, when I toured their airport and bought that big jar of M&Ms , also.

OBAMA

...

BIDEN

...

MCCAIN

...

OBAMA

Anyway - we need to focus on finding a solution.

MCCAIN

My friends...this situation calls for a leader who we can trust...a leader with a proven record. Not Kareem Abdul Jabar over there.

OBAMA

This isn't about me John. We need to start investing in our infrastructure. We need to start investing in America.

MCCAIN

What that one doesn't understand is that this is a nation of hardworking and fabulously wealthy plumbers...who - whether or not they're licensed or actually named Joe - don't need the government taking away a piece of their pie.

OBAMA

I like pie. Do you guys like pie?

PALIN

You betcha' and I can make a moose-pie that'll fill ya right up and the job creation, also.

MCCAIN

My friends... our campaign tracked down several young men in Hawaii who were familiar with Senator Obama and these fine young surfers agreed that he could be called "radical". We have that quote on Betamax and will be releasing it on the Youtubes.

OBAMA

John...

MCCAIN

...These fine young men and women...they also used the young person's word "cool" to describe the Senator. Well, America doesn't want "cool". In fact, if they're like me, many Americans get cold easily.

Which is why I picked one of the hottest running mates in American history, my friends.

OBAMA

Look...

PALIN

Ya...the power ya know...went out - and as Governor of Alaska -so this is essentially an energy crisis and also.

BIDEN

Sarah, I want to say something to you. And I mean it sincerely. You are literally, literally not qualified to be in this elevator.

OBAMA

Look. Both John and I have a plan for getting us out of here. The difference is: my plan will benefit 95% of the people in this elevator while John's plan only helps the wealthiest 1%... It only helps John.

MCCAIN

Senator Obama... you cannot tax your way out of this elevator.

OBAMA

John, that is completely misleading. ...C'mon.

MCCAIN

Sarah, I've got a new one for you to memorize. It goes like this: I saw Senator Obama sneeze in the lobby earlier and then shake hands with an elderly woman without washing his hands first. These are germ-warfare techniques used by known terrorists that he hasn't been completely honest about.

He then explained intercourse to a nearby baby.

OBAMA

The issue here...

MCCAIN

...is our freedom from

BIDEN

...middle class...

PALIN

America!

BIDEN

God love you all! As my mother would say: Who cut the Philly cheese?

PALIN

I...that's a pretty "got ya'" question there Joe. I don't wanna talk about that and neither do, I think, the American people...certainly not the really American ones in the really American parts of this elevator also.

BIDEN

God love ya!

MCCAIN

My friends... My friends and fellow prisoners... see that maintenance shaft? I'm going to reach across that maintenance shaft to find a solution just like I have my whole career.

OBAMA

Look. This is one issue I think we agree on. One of us has to go for help and I vote for John. The fact is we've had a flatulence problem on this elevator ever since John first got on and if he doesn't go, well... it's just going to be more of the same.

But I do want to point out, before you go John, that I have a similar record of bipartisanship and of reaching across maintenance shafts to get things done.

MCCAIN

You could fit your whole resume on a tootsie-roll wrapper you little jerk...

BIDEN

Ladies and Gentlemen....Folks....in all seriousness we may be stuck here for a while.

Does anyone have anything to eat?

OBAMA

I have a bag of mixed nuts, but I'm saving them.

MCCAIN

Aww c'mon. Spread the wealth around.

And the candidates traded talking points long into the night before finally being freed by an undecided voter, who later told reporters that as the candidates thanked him and gave him bumper stickers in return for his contribution of $5 or more, he had looked deeply into their souls and had made his decision.