Sunday, December 18, 2011

Vicarious World's NBA Western Conference Season Preview Pt I: good luck in the lottery by Jersey Campbell

When I saw preseason basketball on NBATV last Friday night
(76ers @ Pistons) I immediately had to change my boxers. Not only did the
lockout make me yearn for professional basketball, it also made me realize that
the season should start on Christmas every year. Players have long been
clamoring for a shorter regular season, but it will never happen because, you
know, revenue and shit. I’ve never been so hype for a game featuring Ben
Gordon, Greg Monroe, Andre Iguodala, and Jrue Holiday. And we learned why the
number 8 means so much to Ben Gordon. Anyways, let’s get down to this NBA
2011-2012 season preview.

We will be breaking down each team in the NBA and ranking
them based on how good we think they will be this season, not necessarily where
they will finish in the standings. NBA sources tell us it’s gonna be a fluky
season this year.

*Disclaimer: “NBA sources” refers to information I have
gathered via ESPN and the like.

**I put in some questions for you to respond to. Please entertain me.

15) LA Lakers… just kidding. Sacramento Kings

There are a lot of individual ballers I like on this team,
but this whole isn’t the sum of its parts. They’ve got the who’s who of 2011
NCAA standouts with the Jimmer, Tyler Honeycutt, and Isaiah Thomas which is odd
because they’re all undersized for their prospective positions. Plus they
already have a loaded backcourt with Tyreke (who has a sprained left foot, same
foot that limited him to 57 games last season), Marcus Thornton, John Salmons
and Francisco Garcia, none of whom can play point guard. It’s gonna be a long
shortened season in Sacramento. The only hope for this team is for Demarcus Cousins to become the NBA's version of Mario Balotelli. Sadly, all signs point to Cousin's beings calm and collected.

14) Utah Jazz

I thought Jamaal Tinsley was in jail until I heard that Utah
signed him. Nevertheless, we’ll be hearing a lot from Al Jefferson this year,
he’s now two years removed from knee surgery and should continue to ball, even
with his significant other craving for NBA big man back fat. Look for Gordon Hayward to play an increased role in Utah's offense after a disappointing rookie year.

13) Phoenix Suns

Free Steve Nash! We hate to see great players waste their
twilight on middling lottery teams but Nash wants to be all honorable and play
through the rest of his contract, which is up after this year. Right now the
starting lineup looks like Nash, Jared Dudley, Grant Hill, Channing Frye, and
Marcin Gortat? The Fuck? There has to be some way we could reunite Nash with
Mike “Defense? What’s that?” D’antoni, the man who got him two MVP awards. Come on Knickerbockers, you know you want him.

What do you think about Steve Nash’s situation, why isn’t he
playing for a better team?

12) Minnesota Timberwolves

Now here’s a team a little more talented than people think.
Despite GM David Kahn’s fetish with point guards (they’ve signed and/or drafted
six point guards in three years) NBA sources tell me that the teams that will
do well in the regular season will be well equipped with young fresh legs and
depth on the bench. Here are the rotation players for the T’wolves this year:
Kevin Love, Michael Beasley, Wesley Johnson, Anthony Randolph, Derrick
Williams, JJ Barea, Luke Ridnour, Darko, Brad Miller, Martell Webster, and I
almost forgot about Ricky Rubio. So what if most of these guys are rookies,
second year players, or fringe starters, they’ve got depth! Don’t forget the
impact head coach Rick Adelman will have on this young team.

11) Golden State Warriors

Couldn’t get Tyson Chandler, ditto for Nene, DeAndre Jordan
and Marc Gasol. What’s the consolation? Say hello to your 2011-2012 starting
center, Kwame Brown! OK maybe he's not starting but damn, Kwame Brown? How many teams must he underachieve for? He's proving that if your seven feet and you can run, you're guaranteed a lucrative NBA contract. This team has got some talent, Stephen Curry, Monta Ellis,
Dorell Wright, David Lee (who started off last season poor but finished strong).
Ekpe Udoh was the team’s best interior defender last year and he’s only getting
better.

10) Houston Rockets

Here are the innocent bystanders that unfortunately got
caught in David Stern’s cross-hairs. They’ve been stockpiling assets for years
waiting for the right time to go big and become legit western conference
contenders. When they finally got the deal they wanted, Bossman Stern did his
best Lee Corso impersonation, “Not so fast my friend.” Tsk tsk. Still, there
are a lot of solid guys on this roster and they should compete for a playoff
spot again.

In light of the new information on Stern and how much he
signed off on before the infamous “No Deal” move, how fishy is a situation
where the league owns a franchise? The conflict of interest was so glaring that
the Zenmaster himself questioned what would happen when Chris Paul inevitably
said he wanted out. Why hasn’t he been reimbursed for being fined for that
statement? Where is the justice? And what is your take on the myth that small
market teams have no chance in today’s NBA?

9) Denver Nuggets

Can’t figure out what to think about this team. First things first, they need to
resign Aaron Afflalo. On the plus side, they go two deep at every position. On
the negative side, it’s a team of solid starters and role players. Unless
you’re the 2001-2007 Pistons, that’s really not gonna get you anywhere. There
is a rookie forward from Nigeria named Chukwudiebere Maduabum on this team. I
have no idea who he is but I’m excited to see him get garbage time minutes.
Other than that, this is an adequate team that will challenge for a playoff spot, only to get ram-sacked in the first round.

4 comments:

Steve Nash: who cares, he's good, if he doesn't want to win a championship, let him take the honorable demise; either way, hes as old as chauncey billups was and both have similiar talent (though in different expertise) he can't magically make any team into a championship team anymore.

You should have the Twolves higher. Beasley will be great (even though he chucked up more shots than he should and would have on any other team). Young talent will always sneak you into the playoffs.

Seriously? You think Chauncey Billups is as good as Steve Nash? I thought you knew basketball Mr. Sart. Steve Nash is actually two years older then Chauncey, but unlike Chauncey, his production hasn't dropped off as drastically as you'd expect it to. He averaged 15 and 11 last year while shooting close to 50% from the field, 40% from deep, and 91% from the line. Steve Nash can still be the second or third best player on a championship squad. Chauncey? Not so much. Steve Nash is still a borderline top-five point man. Chauncey? Not so much. You know how fun it must be to play with a guy like Nash? A point man who will always look for the open man? In the words of ESPN's way overcrowded NFL analysis crew, "COME ON MAN." I disagree, if you put Nash on a borderline contender that would help immensely. Say the Clippers went after Nash instead of Paul, I'd still pick them to finish in the top six of the west. For goodness sakes Nash almost got that bum Suns squad to the playoffs last year! You got me upset brother, disrespecting Steve Nash like that.

I like Beasley too, but it looks like he's a knucklehead. Plus they just drafted a guy who basically plays the same position. Beasley can score, but what else can he do?

Everybody knows what Rockets move I'm talking about: the three-teamer with the Lakers and Hornets that would have netted them top-five big man Pau Gasol that was infamously shot down by Bossman Stern. That was a fair trade that would have kept the Hornets in the playoff picture, plus the Lakers gave up a top-15 guy AND their third best player/sixth man of the year. The Rockets front office have done a great job with the NBA's version of Moneyball. Unfortunately, they will have to wait a little longer to compose a squad good enough to win the west. Houston isn't a small market, but small market owners who bitch about star players should take notes from Houston GM Daryl Morey.

Steve Nash on the Knicks:Reunited with old running mate with Amare. They'd give up 110 a game, they'd score 115.

Steve Nash on the Thunder:Move Westbrook to off-guard. He's a masquerading point man. We'd have to start printing out new Lob City t-shirts for this team. Nash to Dr. Nasty. Nash to Westbrook. Nash to Durant. Nash to Harden. Excuse me I have to change my boxers.

Last one. Nash to Orlando:Could this be a move that persuades Dwight to stay in Orlando? I'd pick this team to win the East: they're strengths are the Heat's weaknesses.

Any more scenarios interest you? You knows GM's are calling the Suns asking about Nash's availability.