Warning signs your friend may be in an abusive relationship.

Attached to phone when not around partner; afraid to miss a text / call

Paranoid

Sensitive to touch

Heavy makeup / long clothing to cover up

Makes excuses for dating partner

Slacking in responsibilities (school, job, etc.)

Says they can't talk / hang out with certain people because of their partner

But what if my friend is being abusive?

It can be hard to admit when someone you care about is causing harm in their relationship. Is it our responsibility to step in and provide support to an abuser? How can we reach out to a friend that’s perpetrating violence and get them to change their behavior?

Warning signs that a friend is being abusive:

Shares explicit or nude photos to friends / online without the consent of their dating partner

Talks in a condescending way about their dating partner

Brags about harming or hurting dating partner

Adheres to strict gender roles

Believes they have the right to make all the decisions in their dating relationship

Minimizes the fact that they isolate their partner from family, friends, and social media

Discusses tactics for how they’ve controlled a dating partner

Stalks their partner’s whereabouts through social media, cellphone, and in person

Sends threatening texts, comments, DMs or voice mails

Expects partner to follow all their rules and decisions without complaint

Limits what their partner wears, eats, or where they can go

Has a history of being abusive

Comes from a family where abuse is common and has become normalized

Has very demeaning beliefs about women or men

Is prone to breaking objects when enraged

Believes they should have all their power and control in their relationship

Can be egotistical, narcissistic, and sociopathic at times

Finds joy in harming others, fighting, and killing plants or animals

Forces partner to use drugs or alcohol

How to talk to someone who is being abusive

Tell them that abuse is never okay and affects everyone in their life

Help your friend take responsibility for their actions

Remind them it’s never okay to use jealousy, anger or insecurity to control others

Explain that there’s no excuse for being abusive: blaming the abuse on stress, childhood upbringing, or drugs / alcohol is not okay

Explain that there are legal consequences and they could lose the people they care about

Tell them that with support they can change their behavior

Discuss healthy traits in a relationship

Suggest help and resources

In some cases, a friend may be reluctant to change their behavior. They may insist there’s no problem, minimize the effects of their control, or even blame the abuse on their partner. Some people, when called out for abuse, equate that friend’s concern as desire for their dating partner. In this case, it can be safer to talk about what you see when joined by a group of friends or peers. This decreases the likelihood of a violent response, and tells the abuser that their behavior is so problematic, it has become common knowledge to the general public.

If ever you fear that an abusive friend could retaliate against you or their dating partner, be sure to have a safety plan in place. This could be phone numbers or links to resources, or even a restraining order. Plan wisely, and find a place and time that’s safe and public.