How & When to Tell a New Partner About Your Fetish

One of the trickier questions for any member of the BDSM community is how and when to approach the subject with a new partner who isn’t a part of the community, and who doesn’t already know about your kinks and fetishes.

The answer depends on a lot of factors, but as a general rule, it’s best to deal with the question early in a relationship, ideally as soon as it’s clear that things are headed in a sexual direction. The longer you wait, the harder it will become, and the more your partner will wonder why you waited so long to talk about something so fundamental and important to a relationship.

As for how to approach the subject, a direct approach is best. There’s no point in sugar coating things, or in revealing things piecemeal; don’t tell a girl you’re into just a bit of light spanking now and again if your thing is restraints, ball gags and wax play. Doing things like that will only erode trust down the road, and lead to needless tension and conflict. I’m not saying that you need to disclose your every darkest fantasy right there on the spot in the first conversation about the topic, but actively misleading someone is not the way to go.

If you have difficulty with bringing up the topic, let pop culture help you out: strike up a conversation about how popular a certain erotic novel about BDSM has become, and use that as a starting point for asking your partner if she’s ever fantasized about that kind of thing. It’s a bit of a cheesy approach, sure, but it’s a good way to ease into things, and to find out if talking to your new partner about your kink might be a total waste of time. If she freaks out at the question and seems disgusted by the whole idea, it might be better to keep your kink to yourself – and to get busy finding a different new partner.

KinkLovers.com is the blog for men and women into BDSM, bondage, fetishes, and dating. We post tips and advice for those interested in meeting other kinky singles with online dating, or anyone who wants to spice up their relationship. Enter the world of Kink Lovers with exclusive articles, polls, site reviews, reader stories and more. If you would like to subscribe to our blog updates which are sent only twice monthly, please subscribe to our newsletter using the form above.