I haven’t really slept in what feels like forever. My body is exhausted and my muscles tired and weak. Yet, my mind doesn’t shut off, not even when my eyes are closed and I think I am fast asleep. The images of a life lived over ten years ago pop into my head and are felt through the sting of insomnia for days at a time. Dreams… Flashbacks, reality?

When you are sleep deprived it is hard to even know the difference between what’s real and what’s going on in that part of your brain that is trying to rest the best it can. It is confusing.

Last night I was still awake when the sun began to rise at 4am. The world behind the curtain going from black to light and my mind begging me “why?”

I finally fell asleep close to five and was up around 8:30 – my vision blurred and my brain confused, nausea running its course as I fumbled through the house hoping I wouldn’t fall. Exhaustion.

I used to love to stay up through the night and watch the sun rise high in the sky. Part of me still loves it, but I also know I need to get a good 8-10 hours of solid sleep in order to function like a human. Spring is always bad for my sleep. I don’t know why. Anxiety seems to rise and stay awake far past the setting of the sun.

I have always said that God paints the sky just for me. As I lay awake and watch the sun rise I know the real Son is already risen and that no matter how exhausted I am, no matter how many sunsets and sunrises I see without a rest in between, that He has a plan for me.

6 Responses to “What Dreams May Come #FMFParty”

Oh Marisa, this is so hard! I’ve struggled with bouts of insomnia, and it really colors the rest of life, doesn’t it? Just this past week I’ve found it helpful to get out of bed (if I’ve been up for longer than an hour), and do some light yoga and stretches. I don’t know if that would help you at all, but it may be worth a shot! Pryaing for you, friend!

You’ve got my sympathy. I don’t really sleep anymore – pain keeps me awake, and about the best I can do is a sinister twilight in which dreams overlap on life. Weird, but I get some good writing ideas that way.

Saying a little prayer for you! I’ve struggled with bouts of insomnia before, and I’ve also had that weird feeling where lack of sleep colors your perceptions of the world and makes it feel off kilter. Praying you find needed rest.

Born and raised in Kenora, Ontario Canada, Marisa was a teen mom who has overcome incredible circumstances in order to provide the best life she can for her small family. Avid reader, blogger and a God-loving Christian, are just a few of the titles Marisa holds. Reading the Word and learning about God and His plans for her life are her current mission.