Why You Should Not Force Your Child To Give Hugs

You know the scene, you have relatives visiting who you don’t see very often. It’s time for them to go and before you know it you’re saying “Go and give Uncle Fred a hug goodbye!” to your child. You know they don’t want to, but the words fall out of your mouth before you know it. It happens in family’s everywhere all the time. It is the “done thing” when relatives leave.

Maybe it’s the relative that holds out their arms expecting this child they’ve just met to run and cuddle them. “Give us a hug goodbye!” Or even “Give us a kiss goodbye!”

For Joe and I it’s clear, if Lily says no, then it’s a no. I’m not going to force my child to hug someone they don’t want to. And here’s why in my opinion you shouldn’t either…

Try to see if from your child’s perspective, you may even remember a similar situation when you were a child. “Ah it didn’t do me any harm!” Well perhaps it didn’t, but you probably didn’t like it all the same. It probably wouldn’t have been an enjoyable experience, in fact it may have been one you dreaded when visiting relatives. The unwanted kiss on the cheek from Great Aunt Edith! The reason that you didn’t like it, is it made you feel very uncomfortable. So why are we making children feel this way if we don’t need to?!

In a previous post I talk about instilling confidence in to our children. So surely this goes hand in hand with them also being confident about their bodies, and what they do or don’t want other people to do with regards to their body. For them to grow up and have the confidence to say no to unwanted physical contact as an adult, can start as a child having the confidence to say no to an unwanted hug.

Lily may be my child but it is her own body. Her body and her choice who she hugs. Who am I to force her?! Put yourself in your child’s shoes: You’ve just met someone at an event, you go to leave and they ask you to hug or kiss them, you say no, but they push “Oh go on, give me a hug, just a little one!”. Your friend who went to the event with you then starts joining in “Go on give them a hug or a kiss, be nice!” Imagine the pressure. Your toddler doesn’t know this person, or at least not enough to feel comfortable voluntarily hugging them, so why should they? Even if they know them well, if they don’t want to have physical contact with them they shouldn’t feel forced.

I have previously seen situations where parents have almost been telling off their child for not hugging a relative goodbye. This is not a child being naughty, they are merely telling you they don’t want to have physical contact with someone they don’t know well.

But I do understand why it happens, it’s intentions are good, parents are merely trying to be friendly and affectionate to friends and family. But seeing it from a child’s perspective it surely has to stop.

So what can you do instead? I think giving your child the choice is a good way to go, ask your child “Do you want to wave goodbye or have a hug?” This way if they are happy to give them a hug they can, but there’s no obligation. You could do a high five instead, or just a big grin. Any sensible adult would never take offence to not having a hug. They will realise that it’s entirely fair enough that a child doesn’t want to give them a hug, any more than if an adult didn’t want to. It’s in no way a sign that the child doesn’t like them, or is impolite. It’s merely the child not wanting to have physical contact with someone it doesn’t particularly know or feel close to.

11 Comments

Agree with this so much!! My husband’s parents live quite a way from us and although we facetime twice a week my son just isn’t use to them and only seems them a couple of times a year.
He’s really not sure about hugging them and I’ve always felt bad and have tried to persuade him but I won’t be now as I know I’m not the only one who thinks its odd to force it one people!

I completely agree with this. We already take the ‘would you like to’ approach with my son, and he normally does choose to (although he’s only 3, I expect this will change!) It’s difficult with relatives that you know will take offence though – we’re not as close to my inlaws as my own parents, and he’s often not happy when we visit them and they do take offence. I know if he decides he doesn’t want to hug them when we leave that they’ll get annoyed, but then I know that’s they’re problem, not my son’s. Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

Totally agree. I never say this to my children and never think to say it. Quite often they naturally go and give a hug to someone when we leave and that’s really lovely, because its genuine and they’ve chosen to. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

I totally agree with this too – I can remember hating having to kiss my Grandma (she always tried to kiss me on the lips) and I vowed I wouldn’t put my kids through the same thing. I always ask them if they want to give Grandma, or whoever, a hug or a kiss and if they say no then that’s that. I don’t think anyone has been offended so far, and if they have then tough! #SharingTheBlogLove

I’ve never thought about this before and it’s really made me think. You have made a really good point and I’m still chewing it over… my kids are grown –
I’ll have to ask them how they felt… x #SharingtheBlogLove

I totally agree with this. R loves to give hugs and kisses at the moment but she is the one that initiates them. And when she does it makes it even more special than if it was forced. #Sharingthebloglove

I totally agree with you on this one! I find it so annoying when people demand hugs or kisses. I always try to stick up for my little one (who is quite shy anyway) if she says she doesn’t want to. I want her to know that she doesn’t have to have physical contact with someone if it’s not a mutual decision. I usually ask if she wants to do a high five instead. Sometimes she will and sometimes she won’t and she needs to know that that’s okay #sharingthebloglove

Brilliant post, made me think! I have 22 month old twin boys and honestly have never thought about hugging this way before. I have just realised we naturally don’t force them to give hugs or kisses, but I understand why some other parents do. It is so many things we do automatically without realising how it can affect our children. On the other hand, we cannot do everything perfectly either and we surely do many mistakes on our journey as a mum and that is fine. However, if there is something we can do at least a little bit better, why not give it a go? xx

Who am I?

My name's Beth, I live in East Sussex with my husband Joe and our daughter Lily-Mae. I juggle part time work alongside adventures out and about with Lily. I'm aiming to write an honest blog about the trials and triumphs of parenting. I started blogging on and off when I was pregnant with Lily, but I never stuck to it until now. This time I have found my blogging groove and can't imagine my life without it! I'm a bit of what some might call a "hippie mum", I'm a cuddler, not a cry it outer. I am a cup of tea loving, scruffy bun wearing, soft play hating, chocolate adoring, will-probably -be-at least-10-minutes-late-to-a-playdate kind of mum, but above all I just love being a mum.