This Week in Posters, With Tyler Perry’s Latest Masterpiece

Here’s the poster for Tyler Perry’s latest, Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor (oh, man, that title). With the snake circling the lady’s face shaped like an apple, you almost get the feeling there’s going to be some religious overtones to this one, am I right? Or maybe I’m just reading too much into this one. I can do that sometimes, where I see Biblical imagery in something totally innocuous, like a snake circling an apple on a red background with TEMPTATION in giant letters below it.

By the way, I’d love to be a marriage counselor in a Tyler Perry movie. That would be the easiest job in the world. “Hmm, let’s see… so you’re currently trapped in a loveless marriage in which your husband is a cold, distant workaholic who beats you and belittles you in front of the children, and you’re wondering if you should leave him for the attractive, independently wealthy widower with six-pack abs who sends you flowers every day and coaches softball for dyslexic kids? ….You know, I’m gonna be honest, this doesn’t seem like much of a conflict.”

Here’s Harrison Ford in the first still from Ender’s Game, co-starring Asa Butterfield and directed by Gavin Hood. I was only vaguely familiar with the source material, but it’s apparently a big-deal sci-fi novel that won Hugo and Nebula awards in 1985 and has been in movie development forever.

Set in Earth’s future, the novel presents an imperiled humankind who have barely survived two conflicts with the Formics (an insectoid alien species normally called “Buggers” by most of the population). These aliens show an ant-like group behavior, and are very protective of their leader, much like Earth ants protecting their queen. In preparation for an anticipated third invasion, an international fleet maintains a school to find and train future fleet commanders. The world’s most talented children, including the novel’s protagonist, Ender Wiggin, are taken at a very young age to a training center known as the Battle School. There, teachers train them in the arts of war through increasingly difficult games including ones undertaken in zero gravity in the Battle Room, where Ender’s tactical genius is revealed.

I haven’t read it, but it sounds similar to Starship Troopers. And whereas Starship Troopers got some flak for its fascist overtones, Ender’s Game writer Orson Scott Card was more of a sodomy-is-a-sin kind of a guy, as he wrote to his fellow Mormons back in 1990:

The argument by the hypocrites of homosexuality that homosexual tendencies are genetically ingrained in some individuals is almost laughably irrelevant. We are all genetically predisposed toward some sin or another; we are all expected to control those genetic predispositions when it is possible. It is for God to judge which individuals are tempted beyond their ability to bear or beyond their ability to resist. But it is the responsibility of the Church and the Saints never to lose sight of the goal of perfect obedience to laws designed for our happiness.

Meanwhile, Hollywood loves the gays (Brett Ratner excepted), so it will be interesting to see if they try to compensate for Card in the movie version. Maybe get the Modern Family kid to play his best friend.

Here’s the first of another batch of Beautiful Creatures posters. They all basically look like they took a character in some fairly mundane outfit and stuck them in front of this goth prom background, and this is supposed to tell us something about the movie. The only thing it’s telling me so far is “do not want.”

I laugh every time I look at this kid’s dopey facial expression and stupid hat. Again, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from this poster, other than that this is a movie about people who’ve been overstyled. This is what you’d look like in high school if your mom was a stylist and you didn’t have any friends to melvin you when you showed up looking like a tool.

Oh look, one of the characters is Church Lady.

This is the Olive Garden of movie posters. Not even. This is the local Olive Garden-knockoff of movie posters.

You do not want to know what Jeremy Irons is about to do with that cane.

Here’s an Asian poster for The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, which I’ve actually heard mostly positive things about. That said, I’m still waiting for Dev Patel to play someone who I don’t immediately want to wedgie.

Every time I see Juliette Binoche, she’s squinting around being all sexy. Have you ever wondered if her perceived sex appeal is actually just some horrible disability where she can’t open her eyes all the way? Same thing with Josh Hartnett.

Here’s GI Joe: Retaliation going old school with the classic “Pillar of Dudes” design. Also starring… lens flares!

One of the producers on this was Shepard Fairey, so you better believe it’s going to have a cool poster.

A documentary that chronicles how a generation of artists, thinkers, and activists used their creativity as a response to the reactionary politics that came to define our culture in the 1980s.

A reaction to reactionarianism- BRAAAAAAHM.

As we highlighted the other day, here’s the newest poster for Man of Steel, which many commenters pointed out looks a lot like that old Piracy is a Crime campaign.

Aw, I miss you, Ernest Borgnine. That is the most Ernest Borgnine picture ever, too. He looks like if you put Andy Rooney’s eyebrows on a shar pei.

Ernest Borgnine plays Rex Page, an old man who is bitter about never becoming famous and having lived a life without any meaning. After suffering a stroke, he ends up in a nursing home staffed by Latin American immigrants. Put off by the situation, Rex focuses his energy on getting out, which places him at odds with the Latino workers. However, their relationship takes on new meaning when it is discovered that he once shook hands with Vicente Fernandez, a Mexican singer, producer and actor idolized throughout Latin culture. The employees soon begin to treat Rex like the celebrity he’s always dreamed of being.

You know, I’d see that. Though I wonder if Vicente Fernandez knew how much Borgnine masturbates when he agreed to shake his hand.

This is a pretty cool poster, and yet… really? You couldn’t make the names and faces match up? You did that just to piss me off, didn’t you. The idea that Amy Adams, Joaquin Phoenix, and Philip Seymour Hoffman are quantitatively different enough in level of fame to warrant putting their names in a specific order, or that the order would be so much more important than making the names and faces match up… it’s mind boggling to me.

This is gross, neither of them are wearing pants. Ah, college.

The best part of rooming with a smooth-crotched walking eyeball is that you never walk in on him jerking off. The worst part? He likes to watch.

Here’s a German poster for The Oranges. Oranges would totally have zippers if they had been created by Germans.

You don’t really notice how weird this poster concept is until you try to imagine pitching it. “Get it? Cause, like, you’re unzipping the oranges, and there they are, the Oranges. Don’t you see?”

I originally read “mi piace” (I like, in Italian) as “mi place.” As in, “Excuse me, my place, your father,” which I like much better.

I’m not sure what the color bars up there are supposed to be, but mark my words, 2013 will be the year of Maggie Smith. Just you wait, Maggie Smith is going to make Judi Dench look like Olympia Dukakis.

I liked this poster better when it was called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. What’s this one about again? Singers in an old folks home? I call it “The Best Exotic Melody Hotel.”

What’s up with the bricks? Clive Owen is built like a brick sh*thouse, they’re trying to say. Maybe?

Collette McVeigh – Mother, Daughter, Sister, Spy. Set in 1990s Belfast, an active member of the IRA becomes an informant for MI5 in order to protect her son’s welfare.

Oh, I get it, the bricks are the bullet-pocked buildings of Northern Ireland. Whatever, crater face.

Okay, so they sort of lined the faces and names up here. Got one right at least. As I said in my review, I’d pay a good $500 to watch these two f*ck. I believer commenter Erswi suggested we get a pool going, and called the venture “f*ckstarter.” I like this idea. Perhaps we could Kickstart F*ckstarter?

Here’s the Star Trek Into Darkness poster, which is more than a bit reminiscent of the Dark Knight Rises poster. By which I mean that it’s a lot reminiscent, in case that was unclear.

Sorry, thanks to the trailer, that’s the only thing I can think about with this movie.

Remember 10 Years, with Channing Tatum? Did anyone see that? Considering it made $200k, I’m guessing no. That’s not very much. In fact, I believe Tatum actually managed to stuff the entire amount into his hair before he took this picture.

Here’s Upstream Color, from Shane Carruth, which is playing Sundance. I’m almost positive this above-shot, fully-clothed couple in the bathtub pose has been used before, but I can’t remember in what. Cool story, huh?

“In a million years, school children gonna know that once there was a Hushpuppy and she lived with her daddy in the bathtub.”

Two things: That dorky kid is named Link, which is exactly what I’d expect someone who looked like that to call themselves. Second, in response to old pirating commercials, I present the best take on it yet from the IT Crowd: [www.youtube.com]

Vicente Fernandez is BOSS. He’s like the Mexican Mick Jagger but with a perma-black mustchace, 5’5″ frame and a sombrero so big it blots out the sun. I even mention his name to my mother in law and she swoons like one of us would over Bill Murray.