She's late. No call, no text. It's ten past now - she's got five more minutes.

Her legs finally swivel out of a black cab at twenty past. No apology. At least she looks like her picture.

Pool table's free. Pot a yellow from the break. Sink two more before snookering myself.

Thankfully she wastes her two shots.

Soon I'm down to one ball. This is easy. Alice takes off her scarf and approaches the table once more."Ooh, now she means business," I quip."You're quite the comedian, aren't you?" she responds. Not sure it's a compliment.

Tell her not to get cheeky - I'm a white belt at judo. Now she's pissing herself. Bit strange.

She has a nice laugh, mind. One of those silent ones. Hands on belly, back arched forward, mouth ajar - looks slightly handicapped.

I'm 3-0 up when my date suggests moving on. Bad loser.

Find a place on Hardman Street. There's not many seats so we ask a couple if we can invade their booth.

The bloke keeps chatting. Reckons he's a documentary maker. Full of showbiz anecdotes. Twat. I'm supposed to be the one with the brilliant job.

Head for the bog. The cubicle's locked so I reluctantly approach the urinals. If someone comes in before I get going, I'll have to pretend I've finished and come back later. Can't wee with an audience.

Use my piss to direct a Hubba Bubba along the stainless steal trough towards the drain. The little orange blob didn't bank on me having three Coronas in my armory. See you later, punk.

Thankfully the documentary maker and his missus have done one when I return.

Alice goes to text her mate to say she's okay.

"Tell her not to worry," I interrupt jokingly, "there's no such thing as rape, just surprise sex."

A risk, perhaps. She places the phone in her bag, stands and excuses herself. Luckily her destination is the toilet - not the exit. I say luckily, though I can't decide whether I'm relieved or not.

She returns with two Coronas and some cheese and onion. We're friends again. She tells me about her disabled brother; I do my horse impression. Still, the conversation always comes back to medicine.

Go outside so she can have a fag. Alice smokes as if she's had a hard life: exhaling sideways through thin lips; eyes vulnerable as they stare into the distance.

Our booth is empty when we return. Fate wants us to kiss - who am I to argue? Our mouths soon collide and it's only then that I make an alarming discovery: flaky bits of make-up on her nose and between her eyebrows. It's like kissing a pasty.

I retreat and ask if she wants another drink. Says no - thinks we should end the night on a high.

Walk her to the taxi rank but first she wants a photo of me and her outside the China Gates. Suddenly imagine Alice legs crossed on her bedroom floor, Pritt Stick and scissors in hand, making a collage of us on our first date. This girl's a loon.

Explain that I'm rubbish at goodbyes, keeping her dusty face at arm's length. She says we'll have to go for a meal next time. I nod, then point to an approaching taxi.THE NEXT MORNING

Phone beeps. A picture message. It's me and her outside the China Gates. Now I'm scared. Feel like Jill Dando.

The internet generally, Katie. Perhaps I need to go down more traditional roots...As for dating in the dark - it would only lead to disappointment (for them). Oooh did I mention I am going to the theatre with the waitress? Watch this space for an update...x

Anyway, as much as I'd like to stick around to flirt with Kate and/or David, I'm going to Blackpool with a girl I have never met from Facebook. Think I am now doing things purely to get a blog out of it. Amy, if you are reading this, that's a lie...x

Aw bless pasty face girl. Maybe you should have pointed her in the direction of the St Ives Facial scrub section in Boots, and hope that she managed to buy some before Paddy McGuinness mistook her for a Greggs meat and potato pasty and took a bite out of her face.

Hmm now during the winter sometimes my face gets dry and if the guy kissing me has a lot of scruff on his face, it seems to act as an exfoliator to my nose. lol. Now I am a bit nervous to kiss anyone during winter because of this post. :/

Also, like the other American commented above, we would think you are insane for asking to share a booth. I would only agree if my current date sucked and you looked hot. ha!

Oy, how embarrassing. Sometimes a girl just needs a little exfoliation, you know? This story had me actually laughing out loud, especially when she took the expressway to crazy town at the end. I'm gonna link this in a roundup of my 20 favorite online dating stories on the website I write for, here's the link if you want to check it out: http://www.datingwebsite.com/blog/2012/disaster-dates/

About the author

Plentymorefishoutofwater

Liverpool, United Kingdom

Hello, I'm Fishy. I'm 29, I'm from the north of England and I own a depressed and arthritic cat called Mildred. My friend Mark says I go on more first dates than anyone he knows - and fewer second. This is my dating blog (last updated in 2011). Send enquiries to jimmy-rice@hotmail.co.uk or visit jimmyrice.org.