Cook century is tarnished by farcical contest

When Kevin Pietersen's helmet fell from his dazed head to his stumps to winkle him off-stage in mid-carnage, there was reason to believe the next act in this tragi-comedy might be the appearance at the wicket of that estimable Mancunian hoaxer, Karl Power.

Power once made it halfway to the crease in place of Nasser Hussain and, it has to be said, this was a gig made for his appreciation of the absurd. Torn between laughing and crying, restrained derision was the chosen option of the terraces on a soporific afternoon as West Indies set new standards in ineptitude and England batted without verve. To treat the paying public thus is, well, 'despicable', as they say around here.

The tourists repaired their reputation a little at the end, Darren Sammy proving too lively for the tail and finishing with seven wickets. It was the best on debut by a West Indian bowler since Alf Valentine took eight on this ground 57 years ago. However, his success also brought into question Daren Ganga's strategy of ignoring him and the other frontline bowlers for most of the day.

Pietersen's bizarre departure (get yourself a better chin-strap, Kev) came shortly before the game took its umpteenth sharp swerve down Crazy Street. The man who got him out, Dwayne Bravo, went over on his dodgy left ankle in the next over and limped into the outfield - having bowled only five balls. Yet, contrary to the Laws, nobody was called to finish the over. It was of a piece with the minor fiasco of Steve Harmison and Liam Plunkett being allowed to warm up on the square on Friday.

The real outrage, though, has been the standard of the cricket, not all perpetrated by the weakest West Indies team in living memory. Three-runs-an-over against this bowling between lunch and tea was Boycottian.

Just as Harmison and Plunkett had employed the rare tactic of shocking the opposition by slipping in one straight ball in 50, so Pietersen probably was not expecting a threatening delivery all day. It was his misfortune to get a snorter from Bravo with a hundred there for the taking.

So ordinary was most of the bowling that Alastair Cook's century, his sixth in 17 Tests, could be regarded as runs for old rope. That would be unfair. It was not dynamic, nor was it memorable, but he did the job. He is now, by some way, more reliable than Andrew Strauss.

Intermittently on song with the ball when England batted first, West Indies' first innings had relied heavily on their one remaining world-class performer, Shivnarine Chanderpaul. As for their bowling at the second time of asking, it wavered between serviceable dross and plucky, Sammy's bounce and enthusiasm reviving their spirits.

Who would ever have thought, though, we would be watching a West Indies team, on the third afternoon of a Test, trying to dismiss the opposition with a crocked off-spinner in Chris Gayle and the over-the-wrist part-time filth of Chanderpaul, while the seamers sunbathed?

The sight of Chanderpaul peddling full bungers and long-hops for 10 overs straddling the lunch break induced slumber in even those Saturday nuns, pirates and other fancy-dress patrons who had not already succumbed to the power of the over-priced lager. When Gayle, who has a strained side, ambled to the crease like Bomber Wells, the word 'desperate' formed on mouths around the ground.

The word 'bugger' might have been the bowler's response, though, when Runako Morton flailed like a man falling off a ladder at mid-on as Pietersen's mistimed shot ballooned over his shoulder.

Morton's was only one of several fielding howlers. The captain set the tone in the morning by diving at a ball that he managed to push to the boundary - then slammed his nose into it. Corey Collymore was similarly clown-like when he went tentatively at a mis-hook by Cook off Fidel Edwards.

There are not many bigger stages in the country (certainly in acreage) on which to so gloriously cock it up and yesterday Jerome Taylor strutted across it like the rear end of a pantomime horse, one fumble outdoing the one before. Only the late-afternoon streakers raised a bigger laugh. Learie Constantine, maybe their finest ever fielder, was known as 'Electric Heels'. You shudder to think what nickname they will dream up for poor Taylor.

There was relief of sorts after tea when Gayle hit Cook's pads and the left-hander was on his way for 106. A churl might point out it is the fourth time he has failed to push on past 110 after posting three figures (one of them a not out), and the player himself acknowledges he must be more 'ruthless', the buzzword in the England dressing room.

Sammy, recalled from the wilderness, put himself on a hat-trick when he did for Matt Prior. Plunkett kept him out, fuelling suspicion he is in this team for his batting - until he went two balls later. Three wickets in five balls after a day of mediocrity. Whatever next?

Well, Harmison being hugged in centre pitch by a naked man before dispatching Edwards to the long-off ropes with the shot of the day was not a bad effort - followed shortly afterwards by the keeper Denesh Ramdin copping a kicker by Gayle in the eye and handing the gloves to Bravo.

Then, in the fading moments, the unimaginable: Harmison bowled a succession of fast, straight deliveries, and even took a wicket, that of Ganga.