Worry no more. Here’s seven cast-iron reasons to vote to stay in the corrupt, undemocratic European Union. Just read this and then do as you’re told – If you’re a Daily Mail reader then you should find this particularly easy!

OUR CONTRIBUTION

£55 Million Pounds. That’s what we send across to dear old Brussels Every Single Day! For any Daily Mirror readers out there, that’s £20 Billion Pounds a year!!! And quite right too… We wouldn’t want all that money sloshing around our own country doing useless things like building schools and hospitals, providing accommodation for ex-Servicemen or providing proper flood defences for our ancient cities… Would we??? Anyway, we get such a lot of money back… 49p for every £1 in fact. I’m sure that if I came to you and said, “give me £100 for doing absolutely nothing and I’ll give you £49 back”, you’d be only too willing to hand over your hard-earned cash… Wouldn’t you?

BORDER CONTROL

Border controls are for sissies – right? Who needs them!! Let everyone in, just like the wonderful Greens say. Look at the awe-inspiring success of the German experiment under Merkel. No, let’s follow her inspirational example and throw caution to the wind! After all, it’s not like our housing, health and social services are already beginning to break down – is it?? Let’s especially get those nice young North African men in. Yes – that’s what we need, thousands of young men, with no jobs, no career prospects and a medieval attitude towards women. After all – What could possibly go wrong?

SOVEREIGNTY

Silly old me! I stupidly thought that because 65% of our laws are made in Brussels and imposed upon us by the EU, that we’d lost our parliamentary sovereignty. Then I heard that Nice Mr Cameron telling us all on the Andrew Marr Show that our parliament IS sovereign!!! Fancy that!! No Ifs, No Buts and coming from our great leader, a man of peerless honesty, a man who never changes his mind but sticks to his guns at all times, a man who has never said one thing to the British people and then gone out and done the exact opposite – Well -it must be true… So no need to worry on that score then!

FLOODING

You’ll hear Eurosceptics whining on about how flooding is caused by the fact that we can’t dredge our rivers (banned under the European Water Framework Directive), or because under the European Common Agricultural Policy farmers have denuded our hillsides in order collect EU subsides, so mightily increasing the rainwater run-off and causing a massive increase of downstream flooding but the answer is actually much simpler. I have it on good authority from none other than Herr Professor Doktor Iva Von Buttplugg, the EU’s architect of the plan to ban Greenwich Mean Time (and a jolly good job too), that it’s simply down to us being bad Europeans. So… Stop your moaning, support the lovely-jubbly EU and all the flooding will just….. stop! This is known as the King Canute initiative.

THE EUROPEAN ARMY

You know, it’s not like we’ve been unconquered for 950 years this year. It’s not like we won two World Wars within the space of just over twenty years. It’s not like Great Britain once ruled an empire which covered three-quarters of the world, stopped the Napoleonic advance in its tracks at Waterloo and destroyed the Spanish Armada at Trafalgar. No, no, no. Clearly we need to stop spending money on our own armed services – in fact, this process is already well in hand – and rely on our ‘friends’ in the European Union and their ‘European Defence Force’. Even better, the EU has already stated that the EDF will have cross-border authority. Wow! For the first time in nearly one thousand years, German and French troops will be able to wander around our country with impunity enforcing EU directives! Who wouldn’t vote for that??!! Besides – we can then get rid of those boring old Red Arrows and get the EU’s own display team – the truly inspirational ‘Yellow Stars‘ instead with their politically correct and uplifting towed banners. How cool is that?

IMMIGRATION

According to the Office For National Statistics, one third of a million people emigrated to this country last year. So what? We’ll just build another city the size of Leicester every year with the non-existent money that we don’t have because we’ve sent it over to the EU so they can send their citizens over here to live at our expense. Only a right old Victor Meldrew sour-puss would complain about that! Anyway – who wants to go back to the ‘old days’ of being able to see a doctor on the actual day that you’re ill and not waiting a month by which time you’re either better anyway – or dead… Who minds about the fact that they can’t even get on a social housing list any more or that the new block being built in their city has been earmarked ‘only for migrants’? Well, nobody that votes to remain in the EU – that’s for sure!!!

So – now you know… And that’s not including the benefits detailed in The EU – It’s Not All Bad, Surely? which covered such things as the rise in diseases previously eradicated in the UK, the dumbing down of education and the arrival of modern-day workhouses in the shape of food banks. But if you want one really concrete reason to vote to remain IN, then spare a thought for the untold number of people that will lose their jobs if we leave the EU. No, no – not British people working here in the United Kingdom – I mean those unsung heroes of the Brussels parliament – the MEPS slaving away every day in the Council Chamber whilst manfully doing their best to spend their generous expenses and the army of bureaucrats and civil servants that accompany them.