Cock

A Cock is what men have that makes them better than women. Rather than having a gaping, lukewarm hole for genitalia, men possess a hefty phallus with a knob on top and a hole at the tip allowing them to easily urinate standing up, put out small fires, and convert lesbians and virgins into useful, productive members of society. It is well known that the cock is superior to the vagina. This is clearly acknowledged by the internets and so must be true. According to feminists, possessing a cock automatically makes you a rapist.

Cocks spew many things, including, but not limited to: semen, urine, blood, and ants. According to the Great and Holy Talmud, the latter-most is a bad omen from Yahweh and you should never go to a repellent Jew doctor if this happens.

A bacterial infection which devours cock muscle, leaving your member miniature and permanently excluded from all vaginae. To determine if you suffer from clinical micropenis, start by whipping out your wife-pipe. Grab the longest pubic hair you have and pull it straight. If you don't shave your pubes and it's still longer than your member, you're fucked. Or rather, you will never be fucked. As an interesting side note, those with Clinical Micropenis can often be mistaken as lesbians.

Pornaddicts often feel jealous about the ridiculously large apparent size of the penises of the male actors in pornography. This view is, however, founded on unrealistic expectations, as pornographers use tricks such as special cock-enlarging camera angles and tiny, flat-chested, seemingly prepubescent female actresses.

Sigurður Hjartarson loves the cock. He has a disturbing number of cocks from at least 90 different animal species. He runs the Icelandic Phallological Museum. It wasn't a museum originally; he just had a house full of cocks. One day, however, he left the door unlocked, a bunch of lost tourists wandered in and he had to think of an explanation quickly or risk being IRL B&. As part of the glorious fiscal mismanagement that would later lead to Iceland's total financial collapse, the government felt the need to fund this with tax dollars.

Hjartarson's dream is to have a human shlong specimen. Four hopeful candidates have come forward to give this kindly elderly gent his last wish: a German, Sportacus, a Britfag, and an American who calls his cock "Elmo."