I have traveled again to a distant land in miles but as near as my heartbeat. The separation of the past five months have been a challenge to say the least. Below are the first few thoughts since I’ve been home. Enjoy.

India Journal Entry One

And so it begins, not as if it hasn’t already started and not that anything is new, but everything is new. I lay on the bed, covered with a blanket as I gaze through the open door to the semi-sheer chocolate curtains that were dancing to the wind of the fan. My first morning in a new chapter on familiar ground. I am home with my husband after being away for about five months. Newlyweds who burn and hunger with the fresh realization of love. Although we were apart our routine of conversation didn’t waiver, twice a day like clockwork. His morning my evening. My morning his evening.

I am married! And as many times as we think about it and look at the physical manifestations of our actions, we still check daily, weekly, monthly. The road to our matrimony is one that doesn’t happen everyday. A story, our testimony, that transcends normal. Now I learn how to live with my husband, my soul mate, my children’s father. An exciting schooling, I’m sure!

Journal Entry Two

This morning I looked again at those sheer chocolate curtains dancing with the fan moved air. The dance was part tango part waltz. A style of uniformity and order with a flare of contrasting movement. Together they moved all the same way, sometimes ebb and flow an alternate yet always resuming back together again. My eyes moved toward the floor and the shadows these dancers make. Something similar to the waves of an ocean turned into hand movements or gestures of fluidity.

The course of my life since the last post has gone from anger, to forgiveness, to “have I really forgiven,” to releasing, to coming clean, to allowing the truth to present itself, to releasing again, and finally the manifestation of the my deepest desires of my heart. In my journey to find the one I would grow old with, the one I would share the rest of my life with, the one who would not only be an exemplary husband but father as well, I have received abundantly more than I could have ever imagined or sought out on my own.

To the one who loves me the most, beyond my idiosyncracies, I am beyond grateful.

To my husband who shows me a love I never thought possible, I appreciate every breath of you.

I read an email today sent by one of the “mothers” from my church entitled, “Waiting for daddy to come home.” I saw two girls waiting while the dog laid on it’s back. I advanced the scroll bar south, more dog and girls in pink, then, arms up and open. The next frame showed the youngest of the two in a runner’s still frame arms wide and outstretched now. The next frame, the President getting ready to receive his daughter in a fatherly elevation into his arms. They embrace while he holds her.

In these snapshots the obvious transcends to the background (the President and his two daughters). I could only think what that my sons father is missing out on. Will he ever understand or know the joy, exhilaration, and love in a moment like that? Will he fully appreciate the gift of fatherhood and the command he’s been called to by being a dad? I know what it feels like (being a mom) when I return home from working all week to spend the weekend with our sons. It’s one of the greatest feelings in the world. Pure, unadulterated, authentic, organic love.

Until you have children you never really realize how deep a capacity to love is humanly possible. I have two wondrous boys, an infant and a toddler who is quickly growing into an adolescent. Each day, in every smile, and through every word of love, these two boys increase the love I have for them. It’s absolutely amazing. I think that by allowing myself to be open to be the mother I need to be and grow in love for these children this increase of love is spilling over to the growing love I have for my husband. It’s a beautiful thing when you wake up or find something new to love a person for. To be truly grateful and honor your spouse is a treasure in itself.

“Revial fire fall. Revival FIRE FALL! Revival fire fall.” This chorus ran through my head since the beginning of this year.

I never thought I would be in this place, the space in my life where I am truly desiring to let go of all that I thought I knew to become a Disciple of Christ, like my dogtags characterized two years ago when I left boot camp in Great Lakes, Michigan. I’m not talking about the textbook version of the above statement but the real embodiment of discipleship. The path of discipline to Christ. Being Christ like outside of the confines of church, talking to a church member, or when you remember that you forgot (when you thought thoughts, and said words that were not of a positive nature).

The past three days have been reserved for a revival at CftN. I have seen how I have gone from making a choice that is not in my highest interest with the Kingdom of God and then asking God for strength in a frightening apprehension all in the same day, January 2nd to be prescise. I too have been riding the fence as in Revelation 3:16.

A constant battle between flesh and Spirit. Yet I am reminded, “If you so love God, as your heart proclaims you do, why not live a life that will bring joy to His heart and a smile upon His face everytime He looks at you and thinks about you?”

I have so much to be thankful for… my life for 1. My health, 2. A comfortable roof over my head, 3. Food in our kitchen, shelves and refrigerator included, 4. Fresh water to drink, indoor plumbing, hot water, soap(s), clothes to choose from, the opportunity to go to school, the freedom to go to church openly. I can stand on the street corner and yell or hold a sign that says, ” I love Jesus,” and not be thrown in jail, or die.

Then again… as I typed the above a pinch is felt in my Spirit, “if you love Jesus, show it, act like it, be that love.”

That is what I wish in 2006, to be love with every breath, every moment, with all people.