Friday, November 24, 2017

Police are reporting a shooting at the mall early this morning. The mayhem broke out as mall workers were putting the final touches on Christmas decorations suspended from the second floor ceiling. Apparently a seasonal worker went postal at the beginning of his shift, firing reindeer farts at close range into a group of his co-workers before fleeing the scene. In all, 8 tiny reindeer were downed, their condition unknown at this time.

Another seasonal worker who was acquainted with the perpetrator said he seemed like an ordinary guy, “kind of quiet, and kept to himself,” but did note that he occasionally would complain about being bullied by his co-workers. “They used to laugh and call him names,” he said, “he must have just snapped.”

If you spot Rudolph T. Reindeer, which should be easy because of his bright red, flashing nose, police ask that you to contact them immediately.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

The list of things you can’t talk about over Thanksgiving dinner is growing by the day - everything from Donald Trump’s tweets to Donald Trump’s policies. The idea is to avoid anything that might trigger the social justice warriors in your family.

I’ve got a better idea, how about all you social justice warriors out there who want to save the world stay home and think about how you can do that. Better yet, try actually making the world a better place and head down to the soup kitchen to help out. Oh wait – they don’t want you either. Apparently, just like in real life, if you have no idea what you’re doing you just get in the way of those who do.

Dawn Goodrow, director of the East Side Soup Kitchen in Saginaw, said they get an influx of one-time volunteers during the holidays.

"The only issue is that we have regular volunteers that know their way around our kitchen, know how we do the processes."

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

The Thanksgiving marathon is starting early for team MOTUS as we’re heading out today for the first of several stops between now and next weekend. So that means it’s officially recipe day!

I’ll be making these little gems for the pre-Thanksgiving dinner hour. We’ll be with Raj’s clan for Thanksgiving where the phrase “if everyone’s in charge nobody’s in charge” may have been invented. Dinner is always “planned” for 2:00 pm but never really hits the runway until 6:00 pm or so – and that’s in a good year when whoever signed up for the main event remembers to put the turkey in the oven. Survival requires packing your own lunch box. I usually bring a pot of chili or sloppy Joes but this year I’m going with this tailgater stalwart that checks all the boxes: easy, filling, make-ahead and everybody likes them. They used to called these puppies “little sandwiches” but nowadays they are referred to as “sliders” so I’ll follow suit. Don’t tell me I’m resistant to change.

1 pound cooked deli ham, thinly sliced – I like a Polish style like Krakus or Kirkland from Costco

3/4 pound Swiss cheese, thinly sliced

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, melted

1 teaspoon dry mustard (Coleman's)

2 teaspoons poppy seeds

2 teaspoons dried minced onion

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350F. Line a baking pan with aluminum foil, spray with cooking spray; set aside.

Using a large serrated knife, slice the rolls in half so you have a ‘slab’ of tops and a ‘slab’ of bottoms; don’t pull the rolls apart.

Evenly layer about half of the ham over the rolls.

Evenly layer the cheese.

Evenly layer the remaining ham.

Add the top ‘slab’ of rolls; set aside.

Melt the butter together with the onions over low heat, and let it cool slightly.

Mix the mustard with about a tablespoon of the butter, stir until smooth. Stir the mustard mixture, Worcestershire sauce and the poppy seeds into the butter and stir until well blended.

Evenly and slowly pour the butter mixture over the rolls. Use a spatula or pastry brush to spread the mixture over the tops. Some of the mixture will pool at the base of the rolls. You may end up with more butter mixture than you want to use but just save it for your next batch because there will always be a next batch.

Cover with aluminum foil and allow rolls to stand at room temp for about 5 to 10 minutes. (Or, wrap and refrigerate overnight)

Bake covered for about 20 minutes or until cheese is all very melty.

Uncover and cook for about 3 minutes, or until tops are slightly browned – keep an eye on them as that much butter caused them to burn quickly! Baking time will vary based on the size of pan, oven variances, etc. Remove from oven, let cool for about 5 minutes before cutting into individual sliders and serve immediately. Sliders are best warm but feel free to make ahead and reheat in a slow oven wrapped in foil, or microwave unwrapped until cheese is melty again.

Modify at will: fresh onion instead of dried – cook in butter a few minutes, Dijon instead of dried mustard, turkey and havarti instead of ham and swiss, add pineapple slices for a sweet Hawaiian…all good.

Some have given this idea a thumbs down but it looks like up-votes are trending among progressives. They say it’s not fair for one family to do all the work and pay all the freight; they think everyone should contribute. Too bad they don’t feel that way about taxes.

If they treated Thanksgiving the way they treat taxes your rich uncle would pay 80% of the cost of the meal (plus processing and handling), you and your hardworking middle class cousins would split the other 20% and your deadbeat relatives would each receive a “refundable credit” of $10 just for showing up. Because, you know, from each according to their means…

Oh, and I almost forgot: your deadbeat relatives won’t be required to help with the cleanup because that would be demeaning; they’ll be in the living room watching the Lions lose. The rest of you: get cranking, those pots aren’t going to scrub themselves.

And while you’re at it, don’t forget to give thanks for your white privilege