1.27.2009

fireworks and fireflies.

I would like to preface this post with a l link to this silly (adults-only) video from the "Flight of the Conchords": click here to see it.

My parents have practically been begging us to let them babysit the little one and let us go out. So Alex and I went out on our first date since August 2nd (our anniversary). We left for dinner immediately after putting Lili down to sleep. We got out of the house and pulled ourselves up into the truck and before we turned on the engine we looked at each other in the dark and both admitted it felt a little weird. It is like Lil is our little appendage that we pass back and forth, so to be alone without her was... well... both wonderful and quiet. How quickly it happens that you don't know how to act when you are out of the norm. And sadly, alone time is out of the norm for us.
A long time ago a friend gave me this beautiful analogy for long-term relationships:

When you first are together with someone and falling in love it is like watching a brilliant firework display. A long term love relationship is like a field of sparkling fireflies.

I find so much beauty and wisdom in this idea. I think at different points in our lives we sometimes all long for the firework feeling. When being around this other person takes precedent over all things~ including sleep. When you can lose yourself in the romance and the joy of newness. I think what is particularly alluring about the firework time is the lack of hard self work that needs to be done. Everything is new and you are learning the intricacies of a new person... It is when you start to chose sleep over an all-nighter, and the day to day creeps into the relationship that the work begins. I have come to believe that so many problems in life stem back to issue of lack of self love or self confidence. In the beginning of a relationship it is easy to fill this void with the excitement. But over time we all find out that our partner does not fill this void. And as the relationship grows it becomes a mirror into our souls. And what is reflected back can be hard. and lonely. and sometimes almost unbearable. It is at these moments that many people (me) think about the grass on the other side of the fence and how refreshing it sounds. To begin again... I don't actually daydream of leaving my family, when I am having a hard time my daydream is more of a POOF situation. Like, POOF, transported, no troubles! Of course I know that no matter where you are, your own problems will cling to you, and start to surface when the firework show is over.

All this babbling to say that despite my flashes of daydreaming back to the fireworks, I love being married. I love the reflective beauty of the firefly lit field. I feel immensely appreciative of Alex who is honest and kind and supportive of me. In a time when we are literally changing poopy diapers, and never alone since we share a bedroom with Lili, and trying to build a house, and find work, and milk the goats, and keep the house clean... to find the time to listen to each other. To kiss. To go deeper than discussing the day... well, it can be a challenge. But it is important. If you give it space, being among the fireflies is quiet enough to love your partner, and love yourself. So it was nice to go out and talk, and dream of our future together.Alex: Being a good Dad.

Well said, and good to know that these are common feelings. I sometimes think that I am the only one who feels, well, a little underwhelmed, by the day to day routines. Enjoy these times together and remember that one day your little appendage is going to be all grown up and it will be just the two of you once again. It's good to keep the soil nice and fertilized for future growth.

Well said, my dear. After twenty years and some months, there are days the fireflies are very quiet in that field. But faith brings them back. I have come to believe that loving actions bring loving feelings, not the other way around. Love to you.

Kelcey, that is so beautifully written! Thank you for expressing your thoughts so honestly. It is a beautiful image of the fireflies. Hey, we have to get together again while you're here. Maybe Sunday afternoon or evening?? Hope to see you soon... Love, Cindy

I want to plant a little garden with you now.take care of a piece of the earth somehow. and tend it when we're old and gray, and try and straighten up and say "I'm so happy to see you today"hey baby, hey baby, hey.~Greg Brown.