The Crapbox...Comic books found in the quarter bin or half-off store or the bargain box. The good, the bad and the really ugly. Get ready for a surprise. Updates EVERY Friday and Monday until the Crapbox runs dry. (never happen)

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

The Black Pearl #4

Luke Out! The joke(r) is on us, this
time.

What
do I do about Mark Hamill?

I've
said before how much his performance in Star Wars meant to the young,
impressionable me. How I identified with his character on a very foundational
level. His performance led to a lot of that. Hamill made Luke relatable, he
played his lines with the right mix of youthful passion and allowed the 11 year old me to tap into Skywalker on a personal level. Had
it been someone more cocksure, the effect wouldn't have been the same.

Years
later when I found out he was a fan of comics, I was doubly excited. It
confirmed that he was one of "us", the generation of kids that grew
up having our world shaped by four-color heroes and tales of daring-do. Then
his phenomenal work as the Joker in Bruce Timm's Batman series added to that (not to mention his brief appearance on TV's original Flash show as The Trickster)
and I knew we had an ally that was a Hollywood insider.

So
much one of us that in 1996 he did the thing many of us dreamed of doing as kids: write
a comic book. Hamill's vision came to life with some help from Hamill's cousin Eric Johnson on the scripting
chores and Serbian artist and heavy metal drummer H. M. Baker on pencils andthe
duo of Bruce Patterson and Dan Schaeffer on inking duties. And it is his book. He claims it. It says his name right on the cover.

It is a book thatcame to life in the same way Frankenstein's monster did...creepy and unsatisfying and occasionally murderous.

This issue is an uneven tale that highlights a vigilante's activities. It
contains one panel of a topless woman. In an otherwise standard story we have a
picture of boobies thrust in our face when we least expect it. It is so glaring
that I point it out first because it doesn't match the tone of the rest of the book.

As stories go, it's
not great, by anyone's shakes. There are about three plots going on that look
like they are working toward an intersecting wrap up in the next issue. And it doesn't
help that it feels like it is doing what a low-budget, B-grade horror moving
would do to garner attention: throw in a scene of a busty co-ed taking her top
off.

The
book was traded the following year and, as if Dark Horse realized its mistake,
all the nudity and any over the top language was "remastered" out of
existence, moving the title from an "R" to a much toned down
"PG-13."

Hamill
wanted to use the book as a springboard for a movie and it does appear to have had many deals at various times for a film adaptation, all of which have lapsed due to unspecificed reasons. Hamill has
stated a desire to keep the production small and to helm it himself. The last
project update was over six years ago. With his "Force Awakens" funds
and any from the sequels that surely are to follow, he definitely will have the budget to do this
now, if he wants.

Only time will tell if we get a Black Pearl movie.

But
movie or no, rating of 18+ or not, what we DID get was a comic series. What I
can tell you coming in at issue 4 of a 5 issue mini series is that there are NO
catchup panels. As a jumping on point, I felt like I had been standing still by
the side of the railroad tracks with my arm stretched out when I suddenly
hooked the handle on the side of a bullet train already in motion.

We
start here, with three people fleeing from The Black Pearl. They are (and I had
to look this up, there isn't a clue where this book is beginning in the actual
comic) Tina, a blonde ex-pornstar who was saved by the Black Pearl in the first
issue; Andy, her preteen son; and Frank, a tabloid journalist in search of a
story on the masked vigilante.

They
are running away because it appears to them that the Black Pearl murdered
Tina's roommate Rhonda. Unknown to them Black Pearl is actually a prosecutor named Luther Drake. Even though he thwarted Tina's
abduction by unknown assailants in issue 1, it seems likely that Pearlhas some kind of sick designs on Tina. I'm
getting ahead of myself though.

Here
note that the Black Pearl is running away from the scene in white poka-dotted
briefs. He does this a lot. Like that’s his secret identity: man fleeing scene
in underwear and trench coat.

Meanwhile
Tina is caught by the investigative skills of her new rescuer, Frank. It
appears she was underage in those pornos and could have blown the lid off of a
gangster's empire, except she was pregnant and cut out before the cops could
pin her down. Now she is worried the Black Pearl may be a mob enforcer.

He's
not, but more on that later.

For
now the book turns to our half-naked superhero as he watches the impact of his
exploits. On a lark he rescued Tina. Since then he has taken on a drug lord's
operation and given the money to a group of neighborhood "white
knights". The news runs a story of them changing their group moniker to
"The Pearl Patrol" and they are using the funds to open a homeless
center and free daycare.

The next news story up is a piece about how the crime
riddled neighborhood is learning self-defense techniques to because of the
Pearl's example in an effort to take back the streets from crime. Then these people get a moment on camera…

And
all of this ends up burning two pages in long, drawn out exposition as
newscasters spoon feed the audience the idea that no matter his motives, the
Pearl has had a positive outcome on the entire city. Once you turn the page and
think it is over, the next sub-plot comes barreling in.

Now
we have two pages of Jerry Delman, a local "shock jock" who has made a name
for himself using the Black Pearl to boost his ratings. He is getting fired because ….
His station doesn't like high ratings? I guess? No clue on this one and
Mark/Eric aren't dropping any hints. Anyway, Delman is plotting a
big shindig at the beach, which is where all these storylines appear to be
heading as the grand finale.

And
it is right about here that I want to stop and state something for the record.
In the words of the immortal Joe Bob Briggs, the drive-in movie critic from
Dallas, Texas, there is just "way too much plot getting in the way of the
story here."

By
that I mean the shock jock side trip introduces three characters to the story. With very little background from prior issues, the preceding two pages had a
good half-dozen more, some with enough "screen time" for me to think
they might be important to the plot later. Add in our three runaways from the
beginning, not to mention the title character…AND we haven't even introduced
any of the actual bad guys he is supposed to fight....

It's
all too much. The story is starting to get muddled in all these details that
may or may not have any payoff. We get characters jumping in for one panel that
have a HUGE deal of exposition and when that happens we invest a little in them
being a part of this larger story…yet in hindsight by issues end, they don't
appear to have anything but walk on parts. The important thing about
storytelling is to only introduce elements that have a purpose. Throwing
everything out there so it seems like "real life" rarely works.
Mostly what it does is distract your audience from the plots you are building
and the rising action you are attempting to create.

Things
get back on track after two more pages on Delman and his beach event. There is
ONE panel here with nudity on it where Delman is looking at two models in
swimsuits. One has a two piece bikini on and the other just the bikini shorts.
He makes a comment about "This is great! We'll have shirts vs skins
volleyball!" He's speaking of the beach event he has planned to jumpstart
his stalling career.

The
panel is just pandering and shouldn't be in the book. It feels gratuitous and
unnecessary. And no, I'm not showing it to you. There's plenty of that on the
internet already. Go re-read a review where the nudity is art not exploitation.

Anywho,
the main character decides to rob another mob person in a setup that takes one
panel of exposition. The Black Pearl sees them inside their mansion using heat
vision goggles and hears through his sophisticated spy something from outside
the mobster's compound, neither of which devices seem plausible that they
actually WORK that way, but whatever. He knows they have loot to purloin.

So
on to three pages of ACTION!

First
he slides over to the house.

In
the words of Agent 86: "Missed it by THAT much!"

So
now he has to deal with a guard dog. When all of a sudden he pulls out…

Now
where have I seen that little item before? Oh, yeah! In Jurassic Park Raptor
#2! It's that insanely powerful knockout aerosol spray. I need to get me some
of those in case I'm attacked by guard dogs or velociraptors.

With
the dogs out of the way, the Black Pearl uses his sophisticated AMEX card
technology to jimmy open the door…only to find the safe holding the valuables
being guarded by a guy asleep in a nice comfy chair.

That
safe is easy pickings to a guy with a doctor's stethoscope. For his trouble,
the Pearl literally bags a load of jewelry. Now using his stealth powers he
proceeds to….

Step
on his own…

CAPE!

Right
Edna.

…and
fall right onto the sleeping mobster, waking him up.

The
Pearl tries to beat a hasty retreat, but that's not happening.

Looks
like this guy wants The Pearl to sleep with the fishes.

Or
maybe he just hates fish. Either way, he's out to kill Pearl.

Peal
has other ideas and a half-full can of "Roofie spray." The experience
leaves Pearl a bit worse for wear however and ends up pinned.

Story
shifts gears (or slips out of them) and we jump back to Frank, our
investigative journalist and Tina the following morning. Seems his PI friend
has found out that the Black Pearl's identity as he catches him disposing of
half-burned pictures of Tina taken without her knowledge. Yeah, our hero
appears to actually be a stalker/creepier and the end game that plays out here
will confirm that.

Anyway,
back to Pearly-boy, who has just woken up still pinned under the bulk of the
tough he was robbing. As he rolls tubbo off of himself and gets a good look at
his messed up kisser in the mirror he realizes he needs to get out of there. He
retreats from the mansion with his ill-gotten gains, but note that again he
runs out in his FREAKIN' UNDERWEAR!

What
is it with this guy? I mean surely he could just take off his mask and walk out
in his pants and shirt, right? Why strip down to your skives after every night
of super-heroing? Makes zero sense. Unless that's some sick turn-on of yours or
something.

Which,
with all we are about to learn concerning our night-vision goggled marvel,
may be the case. So Frank breaks into his place and is a bit shocked at what he
finds. For those youngsters in the audience I'll explain that those are VHS
tapes containing porn. It's what we used to watch before it was free. Also you
youngsters should really read my blog instead of watching porn.

Looks
like Pearl is burning them and the why isn't because he's found religion. More
like he found a telescope and a good vantage into Tina's apartment. Also
possibly a stalker-like tendency.

WOAH!
A HUGE obsessive stalker-like tendency.

That
could almost could be RELIGIOUS. So our titular hero turns out to be a creepy
perverted nutjob. *shrug* I mean, it's not like hanging around in cave all day
with a teenage boy while dressing up like an animal isn't somehow socially
acceptable in superhero circles.

Sadly
Frank doesn't get a chance to call the cops as Pearl-bailey gets the drop on
him. Frank is tranked and out for the count for a bit. I don't know about the
"friend bit" but I'm pretty sure friends don't do this to each other.

As
he puts a very "Black Pearl" like mask on Frank, the starts monologuing
in a very "I'm psycho" kind of way.

Remember
folks, THIS is the hero of the book. The guy whose name is across the top of
the masthead. I don't know where to go with this. I liked him better when he
didn't speak but just ran around in public in his underwear.

Two
cops show up and Pearl-crazy convinces them to help him carry the doped up reporter in the closed box
to their car where they give him a lift, no questions asked...a lift to the beach...where
Delman's big shindig is scheduled to occur.

And
that's where the issue ends. I can't fault it for building up suspense. I mean,
if you enjoyed issues 1-4, with a build up like this you HAD to see what
happened in issue 5.

I
can, however, take points off for telling a superhero story about a guy who
doesn't appear to be an actual hero. Or even likeable. Frank is the closest
thing we have to a likable protagonist, but his long-term prospects don't look
good at this point.

I
wonder if Hamill is still trying to get this made into a movie? With the
current glut of superhero flicks out there, it wouldn't surprise me. And as I
stated, those Star Wars sequel checks have to get spent on something. I asked
Mark about it but his reaction was pretty much what I expected.