EVENTS

Certum Est, Quia Impossibile

I had a dream about this one the other day: I was “Uncle Cuttlefish”, singing this song to a group of young campers, who joined in on the “Certum est” parts. One of the campers, little Suzie, explained about the bit in Latin, which translates to “it is certain, because it is impossible”, a doctrine of the tremendous importance of faith. Faith is a virtue–the more impossible a thing is, the more important it is that you believe it. (In the dream, another camper brought up the fact that creationists often say “it takes more faith to believe in evolution than in god”, and was immediately escorted away from the campfire song circle.) Yes, I have weird dreams. I almost never remember them… this may be the reason.

The melody I use for it is very close to G&S’s “Tit-Willow”. If you are not familiar with it, this version skips a verse, but the performance more than makes up for it.

You have to admit, this sounds pretty far-fetchedCertum est, quia impossibile
But my mem-o-ry has it indelibly etchedCertum est, quia impossibile
There once was a garden, with Adam and Eve
Along came a serpent, with plans to deceive—
What part of this tale am I s’posed to believe?Certum est, quia impossibile

Lot’s Wife was transformed to a pillar of saltCertum est, quia impossibile
The bible implies she herself was at faultCertum est, quia impossibile
The sinning in Sodom, it made the Lord sore-eyed
She didn’t obey; now she’s sodium chloride—
A message which all of the “sinners of yore” eyedCertum est, quia impossibile

Some children once pestered a man with no hairCertum est, quia impossibile
Who prayed for revenge, and so God sent two bearsCertum est, quia impossibile
Which mauled all the kids in a terrible fight
And killed every one, with a blow or a bite,
So that next time, the children will act more politeCertum est, quia impossibile

Then God gave us Jesus, to die for our sinsCertum est, quia impossibile
To re-write the books, so a new age beginsCertum est, quia impossibile
And Jesus was tortured and nailed to a cross
To render us clean, through his terrible loss
(Or maybe his dad was just showing who’s boss)Certum est, quia impossibile

And ever since then, why, the message has spreadCertum est, quia impossibile
That mankind will live, because Jesus was deadCertum est, quia impossibile
I have to believe them, they urge and implore,
For ethics, for morals, for peace evermore…
Then battle each other, in bloodthirsty warCertum est, quia impossibile

It’s a nice simple form, in 3/4 time; feel free to add your own verses! And please, sing it around campfires, and say hi to little Suzie if you see her.

The lord ordered Noah to build him a boatCertum est, quia impossibile
While the world took a bath, the ark kept him afloatCertum est, quia impossibile
The animals entered, in sevens and twos
Creating the first, and the greatest, of zoos
But the dinosaurs missed the incredible cruiseCertum est, quia impossibile