Category: Santosha – Spring/Summer 2017

Recently, I have been putting in extra effort and time for self-study. For example, making it a goal to write blog posts more often in order to articulate my monkey mind beyond my daily journal. In the depth of my studies, I am expanding my knowledge of my personal power and the energetic qualities I have yet to utilize within. It sparks a curiosity that is empowering and meaningful. It is the kind of connection that I longed to feel year after year. Now I am beginning to desire spontaneous, flirtatious interactions with life rather than rigid, pre-outlined order of events. I am gaining self-acceptance and respect which is such a lovely change from the programmed demeaning messages typically stuck on repeat.

This energetic alignment is igniting the gift of clarity, using my intuition more than my brain power. I started to get confident in this new sense of self and fluid flexibility with the world around me. As I got confident, my future desires became outlined. And there I went, immediately back into subconscious “go-mode” to rearrange my life
back into an order of predetermined events so I could produce the future my mind sees. In the heart of creating lists and plotting action steps, I stopped. I stopped
to feel my heart. I knew I had to question my rapid movements. The movements that propel me, yet again, into the same paradigm of authoritative control over my life. The paradigm that would ultimately crush my confident, empowered, soul-searching, curious and provocative shift.

I stopped and I could see the elusion masking clarity. My newfound ‘clarity’ was indeed me attempting to run from the barriers that I most fear breaking down. The work I really need to do. In thinking that I was gaining clarity and needed to act, I was falsifying the truth that I needed to sit in the sticky struggle. It was an elusion that would keep me trapped in functioning in my state where I most want to break the boundaries. So I learned. I learned that by choosing to sit in the struggle accompanied by the clarity of my energetic potential provides the transparency I need. It reveals the root of my deepest fears and real issues that can percolate to the surface of my awareness. Rather than abandoning myself, my closest allies, and the struggle itself, I am choosing to stay and feel. Speak clearly and slow down. Slow down enough to repeat this process until the natural manifestation of life knocks on my heart and whispers what’s next.

I’m not trapped. I’m choosing to stay covered…protected from the vast world of opportunity. I am cuddled in the dark, not ready to be exposed to the light, the rays of the sun beaming down inspiration. I do not yet desire to be vibrant and free. Rather, I am grounding in the cave of solitude. You could say I am hiding. It is more like a search for serenity. I am hiding from my potential — tied to the dependence in the roots of safety. I am not ready to spread my wings and fly. I need to develop the skills so I don’t fall on my face. I need the bountiful abundance of compassion to encourage my inner spirit. I need the confidence that manifests from self-love so I can sprout from my shell.

One day I know I’ll be a butterfly. But not yet. Not until all parts of me hold equal value to the
whole of my being. Right now, when I attempt to add up the sum of my being, I am an unsolvable equation. There are secret variables that must be solved. I’m not sure if I need to multiply by my strengths or divide by my insecurities; breaking me down to a more simple solution. Once the answer is clear, then I will be primed for the adventures to come. But for now, I remain hibernating in my shell of silence, listening to the needs yet to be understood, assembling the courage to recreate my silky casing into solid bravery. I hide in the solace of my shell of self-discovery as I wait for the natural process of evolution to reveal the beauty of growth,

There are those times in life where the sh*t hits the fan and we are placed in the midst of a chaotic mess, forced to look at our own sh*t and clean it up. Right now is one of those times for me. I am getting tired of the constant sh*t I keep throwing at the fan. Today, I read this article and was given a little nugget of clarity and encouragement.

“Any vacancy that is a result of any change in your life introduces possibility.”

These simple words allowed me to think deeply about what “change” and “possibility” can really create. To start, the word “any” is not conditional, it’s an open-ended option. Just like the unconditional love we all seek. If we quantify it by certain standards or attempt to strictly define it, we remove the unconditional quality that embraces the nature of human existence which ultimately leads to unhappiness.

When we (more specifically speaking, I) define set expectations and limitations on what change we/I want to manifest, we/I automatically remove the vacancy to become available in the first place. We as humans fall victim to the temptation of control. Our personal “NO VACANCY” sign is lit when we are not at our full capacity.

In this act of staying “safe” in our conditioned minds, we remove what possibility can truly bring by placing conditions on what change ‘should’ look like based on a very narrow mindset. This relates to how we so frequently place limitations on our love, thinking we ourselves or another human needs to be different in order to be lovable. We pick out the flaws and imperfect details of what we “need” them or us to do in order to be fulfilling. Whether for another person or ourselves, we limit our love like we limit our potential.

This quote is a friendly reminder that ANY sort of change, undefined by labels on the spectrum between “good” and “bad”, will create some sort of vacancy as we drop or add people, responsibilities, habits, passions, goals to our daily lives. This vacancy is the source of our possibility to expand and mold.

In support of this idea of being at peace in the ambiguous vacant space, I have been imprinting this into mantra into my being, not just my head but even more, my heart. “I didn’t come this far, to only come this far.” It is the hint I personally need in order to move beyond being stuck in strategizing how to stay safe. I already have put so much effort to escape, heal, and transform my demons. But that sh*t is not a chocolate covered cake walk.

When our internal vacancy light is on, we are being asked to STAY with ourselves in the present…stay with it all: the emotions, experiences, awareness, and struggle. Rather than searching for a different space to reside. STAY. We must accept that there is never a guarantee that the experience will be luxurious. Sometimes in the environments we most expect comfort and leisure, we discover hardship and disarray.

What I’m finally learning to trust and lean towards is the truth that the places of upmost possibility to become who I want to be result from space inherently created from risk and change. From the courage to STAY and discover the amenities life has to offer. I don’t want to stop on my adventure because I didn’t come this far to only come this far!