Today marks the 23rd anniversary of Emma Watson’s crash landing on the planet Earth. The product of an extraterrestrial eugenics project by a race of highly intelligent supercomputer-cactus hybrids (known colloquially as the “iCacti”), Ms. Watson’s original purpose was to defuse the political tension that, at the time, had just begun to threaten the fragile peace between two neighboring galaxies. It was believed that Ms. Watson’s biological perfection, as well as her charm, her flawless physical features, and her saccharine speaking voice, would distract the warring galaxies from their conflict and hasten their return to interplanetary peace.

However, due to a programming error in Emma’s travel pod, the would-be diplomat crash-landed on the planet Earth, near London, England, during the spring of 1990. A young human couple discovered her spacecraft and decided to raise the alien infant as their own child.

Humankind's first contact with aliens? I ain't mad about it.

By the time she was six years old, Ms. Watson had begun to display a natural talent for peacekeeping and for public performance, as her original makers had intended. Shortly thereafter, Emma became involved in local theatre, the end result of which was her decade-long relationship with the Harry Potter film series, itself a form of international peace and brotherhood among Earthen youth.

At this point, the intergalactic conflict Ms. Watson was supposed to have ended has already resulted in both galaxies’ utter and absolute destruction, so, rather than despair, the iCacti have agreed to allow Emma to remain on Earth, where she may yet prove instrumental in ensuring the planet’s long-standing peace.

Interestingly enough, the iCacti began work on a replacement for Ms. Watson – Emma’s biological younger brother, Alex – soon after she became stranded on the planet Earth, although Alex’s travel pod also crash-landed on Earth through a similar programming error.

Alex Watson, commonly considered an improvement on the original Watson. Because he's a dude.

When asked to comment on the matter, Blorgshnoff Heppergloop, the iCacti’s chief technician, was quoted as saying, “Dammit, guys. We really need to figure out how to start programming these travel routes properly.”

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