I Can’t Sell This Car—It’s Too Hot. Plus, It’s the Popemobile

Listen, Tony, I appreciate you stealing another car for me to flip, but this bad boy’s too hot to handle right now. Also, it’s the Popemobile, one of the most recognizable vehicles in the entire world. I mean, even with a new paint job, people are going to remember the large bulletproof glass box that takes up most of the car. You might not think people notice those sorts of things, but they do.

Sure, I’ve flipped some fancy cars. Lamborghinis, Aston Martins, even a fire truck or two, but selling this could have some serious repercussions. The Popemobile’s like a relic or an important artifact to the Catholic church, and if I sell it to the wrong person, who knows what will happen. This is how crusades start. I don’t want to be responsible for a crusade.

I could try selling it for parts, but this car is pretty much built specifically for popes. The engine runs on a mixture of gasoline and holy water. The stereo is configured to only play hymns. Hell, the cup holder only fits grails! Oh, I shouldn’t say “hell” near this thing, it may have some anti-Satan security device. Or maybe they just banked on God keeping it safe. Well, you were able to steal it so that didn’t work out too well.

I’d say your best bet is to find a pope imitator or a tribute pope and have them take it off your hands as soon as possible. I could sand off the serial numbers, which appear to be in Roman numerals, and that would at least make it harder to track. But I’m telling you, the first time a Catholic sees it they’re going to send a prayer or an email to the real pope, and then it’s game over. You really don’t want to be there when that happens. I’m not saying they’d revise the Bible to include a part directly insulting you, but why risk it?

Wait, if the Popemobile is here, how’s the Pope getting around right now? Oh man, what if you stranded the Pope somewhere? He could’ve been getting a haircut or something. Do popes get haircuts? Is there a special barber for the Pope? Does he only cut the hair of popes? What if he messed up? Would people trust a pope with a bad haircut? This car is bringing unwanted questions into my chop shop!

I want it out of here, Tony. Take the back roads so you don’t drive it in front of the church. You’ll have to pass the synagogue, but they won’t tell. In fact, you could probably stash it there for a few days. That’d be pretty low on the list of places I’d search for the Popemobile. I’d look in the Vatican first, then I’d check under that big Jesus statue in Brazil, then I’d visit some of the places from the Indiana Jones films. If it wasn’t in any of those, I’d swing by the local synagogue, but only as a joke. Maybe the people the church send out to find this thing will have the same thought process, but it’s up to you what to do with it. Just don’t leave it in front of the shop, please. I can’t have the police here. This chop shop doesn’t have any of the necessary permits, and the state technically thinks this is a roller rink. I’ve got one pair of skates in case someone asks.

Fine, you can show me one more car before you leave. Bring it in here.

The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile? Tony, flipping cars is about being discreet. You shouldn’t be stealing things that have their own Wikipedia pages!

No, I don’t want it. And I’ll tell you what, they’re definitely not gonna let you park that at the synagogue. It’s not kosher.