WHAT a week. Last Sunday I hosted the closing ceremony of the Commonwealth Games – obviously the Krankies weren’t available.

Hundreds of millions of folk were watching.

The week before I was playing to nine punters in Bishopbriggs. Nae pressure.

I was the ring master bringing on Lulu, Deacon Blue and Kylie. Like Jools Holland on Buckfast.

What a cracking gig though. Since then, I’ve had dozens of Glasgow taxi drivers leaning out of windows saying thank you for the closing ceremony.

I think that’s mainly because it means all the Games lanes are now open.

I’ve had well wishing messages from as far afield as Uganda, Papua New Guinea and Dundee.

I even had a guy shake my hand and say well done for not swearing. To be fair, he was the nervous producer.

I loved the whole experience. It was great being on with the likes of Lulu and Kylie. I’ve never felt like a giant before. They also don’t eat much so I knew I had a free run at the buffet backstage.

I loved hanging about with all the competitors and their medals. If there was a Cash For Gold near Hampden I’d be a millionaire.

Honestly, there were thousands of athletes stoating in and out of tents around the national stadium. All of them single and ready to mingle.

It was like Take Me Out meets A Question Of Sport.

There’s also a golden rule of live telly – never work with children or animals. Despite that I found myself in a tent with Hamish the Scottie – my hairiest co-star since that interview I did with Brian Blessed. In fairness, the wee dug was good as gold and he did give me someone to blame if there was a strange whiff caused by squeaky bum time.

All in all it was easily the best gig of my life – and I’ve supported Jimmy Cricket. A brilliant party to end a belter of a Commonwealth Games.

And in case you’re wondering, my tour of Uganda starts next month. Personally I was just proud to be there and not look like a total numpty.

Will I ever get a gig like that again? As Kylie would say, I should be so lucky.

■ IT seems like everyone wants to get fit these days. A gym in Washington DC has opened specifically for dogs, offering doggie treadmills and balance balls.

The hardest thing is getting them to use that leg-lifts machine without peeing.

And a crazy man has completed a challenge to push a Brussels sprout up Mount Snowdon using just his nose.

It just goes to show the physical and mental feats people will endure to achieve their goals.