Apple approves erectile dysfunction app

Can there be even one sports-loving American who isn't aware of the dangers of a four-hour erection?

I ask this important question because the huge proliferation of ED ads that peppers every televised sporting event seems to have had an effect on Apple's app store.

Perhaps stimulated by the success of such fine products as Viagra and Cialis, an ambitious developer called Health Code has released "Fire Up Your Sex Drive," an app that promises to revolutionize the way you interact with your Apple equipment.

The promises made by "Fire Up Your Sex Drive" are enormous. In the app store, it declares that "after 20 days your sexuality will be enhanced by more than 85 percent."

The effect, it says, is close to that of Viagra. And all you have to swallow is the developer's rationale. The app allegedly "makes a kind of high-frequency alpha wave to synchronize with your own brain wave."

Screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

If you already sufficiently excited that you are willing to commit $2.99 to this fine product (and, perhaps, to your current relationship), might I offer a few words of caution?

One surely has to be very careful about words that app developers use. So the folks behind "Fire Up Your Sex Drive" offer these: "It could stimulate your brain to adjust endocrine system and produce some male sex hormone."

Which might cause your own brain to be stimulated with these words: "It could stimulate your brain to a sudden craving for green tomatoes." Or perhaps: "It could stimulate your brain to wear turquoise underwear." Or even: "It could stimulate your brain to believe that your body is an oil well."

Apple does warn in its store that this product may only be bought by people over the age of 17. It also suggests that it contains: "Frequent/Intense Sexual Content or Nudity."

However, some men might be distraught that the makers require that they should spend a long time lending their ears to this audio every day. Yes, six minutes.

Supposedly 580 men have already had the fire placed under them. And "the effective percentage is even more than 77 percent."

One can only hope that those who trust their lives to data can let the rest of humanity know whether this is, indeed, one of the great scientific breakthroughs of the 21st century.