How to Train Your Dog to Behave Badly

You could conscientiously go to obedience classes and practice what you learn with your dog. You could go out of your way to prevent bad behaviors until your dog learns good ones. You could consistently reward desired behaviors over poor ones. But why go to all that trouble when you can have an out-of-control, loud, jumping, chewing pet? You’ll miss out on all the fun. So, here’s what you can do to ensure that you have a poorly-trained animal in your home. Follow these steps and you’ll have a wild animal living in your house for many years to come.

Start by picking out the dog that will act up the most. If you don’t get much outdoor exercise, for example, I recommend a Border collie, Labrador retriever, or German shepherd. If you want a mellow, quiet dog, make sure to get a miniature pinscher, beagle, or Jack Russell terrier. Better yet, don’t even give breeds a thought. Just look at the classifieds or go to a pet store and pick out a puppy because it’s cute or because you had “one of those” as a kid. Don’t consider a mixed breed. You should have a purebred. Because that way you know what you’re getting and it won’t come with any baggage.

Next, make sure to give your dog the proper exercise. This is done by letting it outside and leaving it there. Dogs will run around and work out as often as they need to. Also, make sure that after the initial novelty period wears off (a week, give or take), go back to your normal routine and expect the dog to fit in with your life. You brought it home and you feed it every day. What else does it need? The dog will figure out the rest. Dogs are smart, and understand what you want. They also, as everyone knows, speak English and can grasp what you’re saying.

Once you are finished with that initial round of obedience training, leave it at that. No need to practice or continue the training. It’s a dog, after all. What do you plan to do, send it to college? When the dog misbehaves, just yell at it. It really knows better. Look at the way it puts its head down and ears back, and slinks away when you approach. Obviously, it knows it did something wrong and is feeling guilty. Since the dog knows better, it shouldn’t misbehave. You’ve taught the dog what not to do, and it should figure out the rest. If it doesn’t, well, that’s part of the joy of dog ownership. You’ve trained your dog, after all.