Cougar in Da House

I’ve become a lot calmer about the whole online-stranger-hitting-on-me thing. It doesn’t really disrupt my life any more, because I laugh it off most of the time. But this guy? He is spectacularly funny. Not intentionally though, poor chap.

The other day, I was forced to remind him that I was 10 years older than him. I don’t remember why exactly, but the context is not important. To which, The Child replies [I’m paraphrasing, because I can’t reproduce the language accurately.]: “Oh, it slipped my mind. You really don’t look 34.”

Bear in mind, this exchange is taking place over Instagram and, in the case of the next one I am about to recount, on WhatsApp. We have never met. He is basing his opinion of my age purely on photos. More specifically, Instagram photos. You know, the ones taken with the express intention of looking good? Yeah.

His remark didn’t really call for a response, so I left it at that. Till he hit me with: “34 ke log aunty hote h. You are very well-maintained. Matlab fat ke hisab se. hehe”

Translation: “34 year-olds are normally aunties. You are very well-maintained. I mean, from a fat point of view.”

Basically, this runt was telling me that I didn’t look fat enough for 34. Honestly, a normal reaction, say about 3 years ago, would have been deep offence. I was deep into the body positivity and feminist ideologies, and all the attendant rage that those entail. I still believe in those tenets, but I’ve learned to not let a random off the Internet affect me at all. So I laughed. Loudly. I didn’t bother to explain that I was on a weight loss kick. It was hilarious.

I let the conversation lapse, because I had no intention of engaging with such a callow youth at that moment.

Then, he adds me on Whatsapp. I don’t understand his reasoning for doing so, because frankly I have been a less than spectacular correspondent. I have replied to all his questions: what are you doing?; had dinner?; how is the weather?; etc. with simple, to-the-point replies. I cannot be arsed to actually strike up a conversation. Mean, I know, but I am mentally exhausted at present.

On Whatsapp he comes up with this gem: “You have deep eyes.” Quickly followed up with: “I stalk you a lot. :-P”

In English, “deep eyes” makes NO sense whatsoever. In Hindi though, it is a common enough compliment. I played dumb. [And sent a friend this remark with the observation that maybe he felt my eyes have cave diving potential.]

The stalking comment elicited an actual response though, where I asked him why he would do that. I mean, I could be a serial killer. To which he replied:

“You are. You shoot people with your eyes.”

I concede point to The Child. That was such a hackneyed line that it struck me totally dumb. Impressive.