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Hiatus, or How Magdalene Made New Friends and Enemies!

Hello my darlings! I know it’s been forever and a day since I’ve last updated. I think I promised a story or four on the last month or so of my life, so let’s just jump right in!

In Which Magdalene Finds She is Human After All!

A little over a month ago I was working at 110% capacity. Overclocking has always been a goal of mine, and to fuel myself I pretty much main line espresso. My motto was “Smokes and coffee, will travel,” and it worked! It’s a hold over from my Army days (anyone who’s been in or around the military knows that cigarettes and coffee are two basic staples, right there with combat boots and dirt) and one of the only things I would get antsy about if neglected. Well, let me tell you, the human body is NOT meant to run on caffeinated beverages and nicotine alone! (Seems almost logical, right? They say sometimes the most obvious answer stares you in the face before you actually recognize it)

Long (and embarrassing) story short, I found myself hospitalized (!!) with a kidney infection. Whilst flirting with my RN, she let it slip that the MD assigned to my case was actually intrigued and a little bit amazed that a woman of my size and activity level would wind up with this bad an infection. When I told him that I sometimes went days without eating or drinking anything but coffee, he sort of made a tea kettle noise and left the room. (I have that effect on men, what can I say?!) I was hooked up to the largest IV I’ve ever seen (three separate saline bags, 2L each, open full bore) and given a stern lecture on the evils of cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine and sugar.

Can I just pause this lovely story for a moment and discuss what they put me in while I was abed at hospital? We all know what hospital gowns looks like: drab, greenish smocks that tie behind your neck and maybe your waist if you’re lucky. Thin, flimsy cotton that’s been bleached and soaked and tumbled to a millimeter of it’s life. Did you know that many hospitals forbid a person to wear any sort of undergarments with this get up? I was issued a pair of rubber soled socks to wear, and when I asked them politely for a pair of scrub pants I was informed that NO patient gets access to pants! It’s in case of medical emergency, they said. Someone tell me why a hospital can bring an ultrasound machine into my room for a private screening, but can’t figure out how to remove pants quickly and safely during an emergency!? Whenever I got up out of bed to use the lav, transfer to a wheel chair to get seen by a doctor, or even when they moved me about to change sheeting, THERE was my cute little ass poking out for all to see. Now, I’m all for owning one’s body and being proud of what you are, but I wasn’t exactly feeling sexy, or even human, at this point. Believe it or not, I invoked my rights to modesty, to see if I could get them to lean towards my desire for full coverage. In the end, I convinced a very sweet (and bashful) CNA that he would have a much easier time checking my IVs and giving me my EKGs if he didn’t have to worry about my half-nakedness. He brought me another smock, which I just wore backwards on top of the regular one.

Oh, and CNA Blushy? I know you’re reading this now. Let me just say that you made a very annoying situation much easier to handle with your mix of professional behavior and choir boy modesty.

Back to my story proper:

So, after a few days of saline drips and a cloudy looking antibiotic that made everything taste of metal, I was discharged with a strong medical recommendation to ease up on my coffee and pop intake, quit the evil cigarettes (apropos of nothing, smoking didn’t cause my kidney problem), drink excessive amounts of water, and continue having safe sex (that last one is actually quite apropos. Unprotected sex has been a cause of UTIs in females, which can lead to kidney infections if not treated. Then again, when I countered with the idea that ANY rough sex can do this, he quickly changed the conversation). I promised the nice doctor that I would honestly strive for all of these things, and left as quickly as I could.

Now, I will tell you, I did take ONE thing he said to heart: I am now on day 16 of being 100% cigarette free, with very little cravings to cause me problems. I am STILL drinking coffee (because that was never going to stop) and my safe, rough sex life is in no danger of quieting down at this point in time!

Since my exit from the hospital, I’ve been having quite the fun ride of fixing my personal abode (plumbing, electric, dry wall… why do I always get the charming yet dilapidated houses?), and visiting even more hospitals down in the Oly area (my grandfather had a series of strokes. He is as well as can be expected and is even rebuilding neural pathways as we speak with specialized therapy). I haven’t even had enough time to sit down and plan my vintage kitchen photo shoot, let alone much time to visit with my darling clients!

I was going to go into a new project I’m considering, but I think I’ll save it for a different post. Let me just say that for those of you contacting me and wishing me well, and missing my blog, you guys are the best reason there is to keep at it. I hope to gather more and more of you lovely readers, and wish you nothing but good health and lots of love!