Here is a selection of some of our favourite atheist quotes. Feel free to add to them!

An Atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church. An Atheist believes that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said. An Atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand and love man.

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. - Steven Roberts

And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence. - Bertrand Russell

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes. - Gene Roddenberry

Without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. - Steven Weinberg

Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a God superior to themselves. Most Gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. - Robert A. Heinlein

I have examined all the known superstitions of the world, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. - Thomas Jefferson

Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's? - Friedrich Nietzsche

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish.

Be thankful that you have a life, and forsake your vain and presumptuous desire for a second one. - Richard Dawkins

The Government of the United States is in no sense founded on the Christian religion. - John Adams, 2nd President of the United States

You do not need the bible to justify love, but no better tool has been invented to justify hate. - Richard A. Weatherwax

They felt that science would be corrosive to religious belief and they were worried about it. Damn it, I think they were right. It is corrosive to religious belief and it's a good thing. - Steven Weinberg

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? - Epicurus

It is not as in the Bible, that God created man in his own image. But, on the contrary, man created God in his own image. - Ludwig Feuerbach

Only if every individual strives for truth can humanity attain a happier future; the atavisms in each of us that stand in the way of a friendlier destiny can only thus be rendered ineffective. - Albert Einstein

It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere.... Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. - Albert Einstein

It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it. - Albert Einstein

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I contend we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. - Stephen Roberts

...I am afraid that education is conceived more in terms of indoctrination by most school officials than in terms of enlightenment. My own belief is that education must be subversive if it is to be meaningful. By this I mean that it must challenge all the things we take for granted, examine all accepted assumptions, tamper with every sacred cow, and instill a desire to question and doubt. Without this the mere instruction to memorise data is empty. The attempt to enforce conventional mediocrity on the young is criminal. - Bertrand Russell, Dear Bertrand Russell

To rule by fettering the mind through fear of punishment in another world is just as base as to use force. - Hypatia of Alexandria

Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too? - Douglas Adams

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed. - Albert Einstein

The opinions that are held with passion are always those for which no good ground exists; indeed the passion is the measure of the holder's lack of rational conviction. - Bertrand Russell, Sceptical Essays

There is something feeble and a little contemptible about a man who cannot face the perils of life without the help of comfortable myths. - Bertrand Russell, Human Society in Ethics and Politics

The whole of theology, in regard to hell no less than to heaven, takes it for granted that Man is what is of most importance in the Universe of created beings. Since all theologians are men, this postulate has met with little opposition. - Bertrand Russell, An Outline of Intellectual Rubbish

The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day. - Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

In an age such as that in which [Plotinus] lived, unhappiness is immediate and pressing, whereas happiness, if attainable at all, must be sought by reflection upon things that are remote from the impressions of sense. Such happiness has in it always an element of strain; it is very unlike the simple happiness of a child. And since it is not derived from the everyday world, but from thought and imagination, it demands a power of ignoring or despising the life of the senses. It is, therefore, not those who enjoy instinctive happiness who invent the kinds of metaphysical optimism that depend upon belief in the reality of a super-sensible world. - Bertrand Russell, History of Western Philosophy

I have often wondered, that persons who make a boast of professing the Christian religion, namely, love, joy, peace, temperance, and charity to all men, should quarrel with such rancorous animosity, and display daily towards one another such bitter hatred, that this, rather than the virtues they claim, is the readiest criterion of their faith. Matters have long since come to such a pass, that one can only pronounce a man Christian, Turk, Jew, or Heathen, by his general appearance and attire, by his frequenting this or that place of worship, or employing the phraseology of a particular sect - as for manner of life, it is in all cases the same. - Benedict de Spinoza, Theological-Political Treatise

Classically, very few people have considered that cleanliness is next to godliness. A rank loincloth and hair in an advanced state of matted entanglement have generally been the badges of office of prophets whose injunction to disdain earthly things starts with soap. - Terry Pratchett, The Truth

The evil was not in either ideal; the evil was in the attempt to impose that ideal by force upon others. - Norman Angell, Prussianism and its Destruction

If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities. - Voltaire

It takes forty men with their feet on the ground to keep one man with his head in the air. - Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus by the Supreme Being in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. - Thomas Jefferson

Those who affirm positively that God exists cannot avoid falling into an impiety. For if they say that God controls everything, they make Him the author of evil things; if, on the other hand, they say that He controls some things only, or that He controls nothing, they are compelled to make God either grudging or impotent, and to do that is quite obviously an impiety. - poss. Carneades

The only position that leaves me with no cognitive dissonance is atheism. It is not a creed. Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of paradise and the dread of hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is there to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more. - Ayaan Hirsi Ali, How (and Why) I Became an Infidel

The world would be astonished if it knew how great a proportion of its brightest ornaments, of those most distinguished even in popular estimation for wisdom and virtue, are complete sceptics in religion. - John Stuart Mill

Indeed, organizing atheists has been compared to herding cats, because they tend to think independently and will not conform to authority. - Richard Dawkins, The God Delusionhttp://www.meetup.com/BrisbaneAtheists/ ... ist_Quotes" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Kim O'Hara wrote:
As Buddhists, we are 'atheists' in the strict sense but not anti-religionists. In some ways, in fact, we have more in common with sincere mainstream Christians (and Moslems) than with the mass of people who don't think about religion between one Christmas and the next.

I'm sorry, but as a buddhist I don't see we have anything in common with a moslem or a christian, especially if we consider that be a "sincere mainstream" christian and moslem implies being a fundamentalist.

Now regarding the OP, here are some of the funny atheist quotes from "The Simpsons":

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
-- Homer Simpson

You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work in real life -- uh, Christianity.
-- Homer Simpson, telling what religion the family belongs to

No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.
-- Homer Simpson, to store proprietor and Hindu, Apu Nahaasapeemapetilon

God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy

Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves -- so thanks for nothing!
-- Bart, praying

“Now Maggie, I'll be watching you too, in case God is busy creating tornadoes or not existing.” - From the episode "Gone Maggie Gone".

Catholic Priest: "Homer, I can't listen to your confession unless you're a Catholic."
Homer: "How do I do that, wail on some Unitarians?"

"I'm not a bad guy, I work hard, and I love my kids... So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?"
-- Homer Simpson

Ned Flanders: [surprised by the pink mutated multi-eyed squirrel] Well, this certainly seems odd, but, heh, who am I to question the work of the Almighty? Oh, we thank you Lord for this mighty fine intelligent design! Good job!

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman

Ned: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party. Homer: No Flanders its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested.

All the world is on fire, All the world is burning, All the world is ablaze, All the world is quaking. That which does not quake or blaze, That to which worldlings do not resort, Where there is no place for Mara:That is where my mind delights. (SN 5.7)

By degrees, little by little,
from moment to moment,
the wise purify themselves,
as a smith purifies silver.
—Dhammapada 239

Buddhism as a religion, has things in common with other religions. But overall I would say we have much more in common with Atheists, since we are a non-theistic religion and for those that believe in devas, they are impermanent and certainly not all-powerful. And in the Kalama Sutta and other places we use our study, logic, reason, and practice to determine what is good and praised by the wise, similar to the Atheists.

This is especially true (in my opinion) for those of us who are mostly study and meditation-practice oriented, with little or no emphasis on the rituals.

A theist is a person who is believing, and he does not think for himself.
An atheist is a person who thinks for himself, and he does not believe.
An agnostic is a person who neither believes nor thinks for himself.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. Richard Jeni

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? Epicurus

Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church. Unknown

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. George Bernard Shaw

George Bush says he speaks to god every day, and christians love him for it. If George Bush said he spoke to god through his hair dryer, they would think he was mad. I fail to see how the addition of a hair dryer makes it any more absurd. Unknown

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. Doug McLeod

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike. Delos B Mckown

"If god doesn't like the way I live, Let him tell me, not you." Unknown

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Carl Sagan

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. Napoleon Bonaparte

If the Bible is mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust it to tell us where we're going? Justin Brown

People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs. Unknown

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence. Unknown

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. H. L. Mencken

Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a God superior to themselves. Most Gods have the manners and morals of a spoiled child. Robert A. Heinlein

He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave. William Drummond

So you really think that God would plant a bunch of bones in the earth to test your faith? Either you're in denial or God has some serious self-esteem issues. Coral Yoshi

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. Terry Pratchett

The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers.
Denis Diderot

From fanaticism to barbarism is only one step.
Denis Diderot

It is very important not to mistake hemlock for parsley, but to believe or not believe in God is not important at all.
Denis Diderot

The God of the Christians is a father who makes much of his apples, and very little of his children.
Denis Diderot

The blood of Jesus Christ can cover a multitude of sins, it seems to me.
Denis Diderot

There is no good father who would want to resemble our Heavenly Father.
Denis Diderot

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
Mahatma Gandhi

Lighthouses are more helpful than churches.
Benjamin Franklin

“In God We Trust.” I don’t believe it would sound any better if it were true.
Mark Twain

And from my favorite science fiction author:

Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov

All the world is on fire, All the world is burning, All the world is ablaze, All the world is quaking. That which does not quake or blaze, That to which worldlings do not resort, Where there is no place for Mara:That is where my mind delights. (SN 5.7)

By degrees, little by little,
from moment to moment,
the wise purify themselves,
as a smith purifies silver.
—Dhammapada 239

All by George Carlin:
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

There's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll be sent to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.

Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it, religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever 'til the end of time...but he loves you.

I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize...something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and f*** up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the f*** bother praying in the first place?

Perhaps the best of the available euphemisms for atheist is nontheist. It lacks the connotation of positive conviction that there is definitely no god, and it could therefore easily be embraced by Teapot or Tooth Fairy Agnostics. It is less familiar than atheist and lacks its phobic connotations. Yet, unlike a completely new coining, its meaning is clear. If we want a euphemism at all, nontheist is probably the best.
The alternative which I favor is to renounce all euphemisms and grasp the nettle of the word atheism itself, precisely because it is a taboo word carrying frissons of hysterical phobia. Critical mass may be harder to achieve than with some non-confrontational euphemism, but if we did achieve it with the dread word atheist, the political impact would be all the greater.
-- http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/dawkins.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Atheists: Come Out of the Closet" (Free Inquiry, Summer, 2002)
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
-- Richard Dawkins, in "Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder," The Richard Dimbleby Lecture, BBC1 Television (12 November 1996)

---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Actually the late Dr. Marcello Truzzi, as quoted by Carl Sagan (and others).

Marcello Truzzi (September 6, 1935 – February 2, 2003) was a professor of sociology at New College of Florida and later at Eastern Michigan University, founding co-chairman of the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Claims of the Paranormal (CSICOP), a founder of the Society for Scientific Exploration, and director for the Center for Scientific Anomalies Research.[1]

Truzzi was an investigator of various protosciences and pseudosciences and, as fellow CSICOP cofounder Paul Kurtz dubbed him, "the skeptic's skeptic." He is credited with originating the oft-used phrase "Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof."

M4

Author of Redneck Buddhism: or Will You Reincarnate as Your Own Cousin?

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

“I'm just saying you only get one life. There's no God, no rules, no judgments, except for those you accept or create for yourself. And once it's over, it's over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you're here. Really. Why not?”

“I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.” – Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854