Monday, November 09, 2009

At first I resisted the ads for HGH, steroids, anti-aging medicine and call girls. Now I embrace them. And so it was this morning when I caught a glimpse of an an ad for what I thought was the infamous "Whizzinator." I remember how so many euro-pro's wanted this device (along with the synthetic urine it dispense) because they thought they'd be able to fool the UCI testers. While I can attest to the fact that the synthetic urine works, I never got around to buying a strap-on flaccid, fake penis and trying to pass it off as my own tackle before peeing in a cup with a sweaty Turkish doctor trying to fondle my balls.

I never forgot about it, however (how could you?), so I clicked through the ad, and much to my chagrin, The Whizzinator is no longer dedicated to beating those pesky doping controls! Nope! Now it's for satisfying your girl's perverted need for a Golden Shower. Why you couldn't just do that with your own flaccid penis and a liter of water with which you filled your own whizzinator by pouring it into your mouth (aka "drinking a lot of water") is beyond me, unless you were worried that your urine contained metabolites of EPO, DHEA, Testosterone, CERA, DynEPO, etc. and that you beloved was actually one giant, writhing organic sample collection vial about to burst out the door and run for USADA just as soon as you finished peeing on her.

Ah yes - The Whizzinator - only in America. To quote from the new manufacturer:

"The Whizzinator Strap-on XXX is the cleanest way to get dirty. This ultra hygenic and sterile ultimate wet sex simulator is designed with sensual pleasure in mind. Complete with one Whizzinator, one syringe, one synthetic urine pack and four heat packs, the Strap-on is clean, synthetic, STD Free and effective. ALS does not promote or endorse illegal use of this product. Please follow all applicable local, state and federal laws when using this product.THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED FOR DRUG TESTS OR OTHER ILLEGAL USE. PLEASE FOLLOW ALL APPLICABLE STATE AND FEDERAL LAWS WHEN USING THIS PRODUCT."

Apparently there is more than one company selling these things. Found this one while perusing around the internet looking to buy one for myself (don't ask) http://realwhizzinator.com. Not only is their claim to fame that they are the real whizzinator, they also claim that they are the only urinating device with the folds and and texture of a real flaccid *****.....God help us all.

Read before you post. Read before you post. In case your wondering why you can't find anything at the link, it's because the right way to type in their link is http://www.realwhizzinatorxxx.com. Now you can see why I am sure the world is going to hell in a hand basket.

The owners of the company that makes the Whizzinator, a prosthetic penis used to mask illegal drug use, were charged yesterday in federal court with conspiracy to defraud the government and are expected to plead guilty.

Gerald Wills, the president of Puck Technology, based in Signal Hill, Calif., and Robert D. Catalano, the vice president, are charged in a 19-page criminal information of conspiracy for selling two different products that mask illegal substances in a user's urine.

The products, the Whizzinator and Number 1, are sold through the company's Web sites.

As part of the case, the government is moving for forfeiture of all of the company's assets, as well as its Internet domain names.

The charges were brought, at least in part, after undercover law enforcement officers ordered one of each product and had them shipped to the Western District of Pennsylvania.

According to the criminal informations, the company and its owners defrauded the government's Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, which is tasked with overseeing federal workplace drug testing programs.

The company conducted its business very much in public, including testimonials on its Web sites, including one from a truck driver who said he was able to beat quarterly drug tests by the Department of Transportation using its products.

Stanton D. Levenson, who represents the company, previously said that he didn't think the government could make a drug paraphernalia case against his client.

But yesterday, Mr. Levenson said he did research that showed his earlier opinion was wrong.

"We're convinced that the government's theory is correct, and the government has a case," he said. "Obviously, it's serious if somebody is faking drug tests who is then driving a tractor-trailer or a bus or flying an airplane."

There is a plea agreement, but Mr. Levenson said he could not discuss it.

Pappillon welcomes your comments and encourages your participation. However, in commenting, you agree that you will not:1) Post material that infringes on the rights of any third party, including intellectual property, privacy or publicity rights. 2) Post material that is unlawful, obscene, defamatory, threatening, harassing, abusive, slanderous, hateful, or embarrassing to any other person or entity as determined by Pappillon in its sole discretion. 3) Impersonate another person.