NLP

Sharpen your senses

How do you know when someone did not understand what you said, even if they said that they did?

How do you know that someone did not like the gift, even if they said they did?

How do you know the mood someone is in as soon as they walk in the door?

How do you know that what you said caused offence, even if their smile is still pasted on?

You know because you are noticing lots of physical signals to that effect, including voice tonality, facial
expressions and body posture. Some of these signals are very obvious – for example, someone blushing
when they are embarrassed – but other signs may be much less noticeable, such as a slight tightening
of the lips or a change in the dilation of the pupils of the eyes.

Our observations of other people’s reactions are a vital part of effective communication.

We notice things about other people, both consciously and unconsciously.

We draw conclusions based on prior experience.

We use those conclusions as input to decide what we will do or say next.

For good communication, you need to get these three steps right. At the moment, you are probably doing all
this without conscious thought; in other words, you are operating at an automatic and unconscious level. In
order to get better at doing it, you need to bring what you are actually doing back into conscious awareness
so that you can make improvements. Practice will then embed the new skills back into the unconscious so you
do them automatically again, only better than before.

Key point

Learning to improve your conscious awareness of the signals that we all send out will hugely improve
your communication:

You will notice much earlier when you either have rapport or have lost it.

You will notice much earlier when you have taken the conversation down a wrong turn, which will
give you time to get back on track.

You will sense when you have lost people and when you have their attention.

You will be able to respond to people in a way that makes them think ‘This person
understands me’.

BMIR

The signals we are actually noticing are part of a BMIR (pronounced beemer). This is an acronym for a
Behavioural Manifestation of an Internal Representation.

Whatever we are thinking about will show up in our observable behaviour, but there are variables. The same
thoughts will trigger the same external clues in a given person, but may trigger different external clues in
another person (though there are common patterns). Some people, such as the inscrutable ‘poker faced’
types, will not show so much; others, who ‘wear their heart on their sleeve’, will show much
more. That said, whenever someone has a change in their internal representation, there will be an observable
change on the outside.

We are already experts at spotting these outward manifestations of thinking. It is part of our evolutionary
heritage. However, we often fail to capitalise on this skill because

We ignore the signals and focus on the words

We are so focused on ourselves or what we want that we miss the signals

We ignore our hunches about what is really happening

We give credence to only a few signals when there are many

We take a ‘snapshot’ and then ignore changes in the signals

We draw incorrect conclusions about what the signals mean.

The most overt signals typically fall into the visual and auditory categories. Below are some examples.

Visual

Auditory

Skin colour

Tone

Facial muscle tonus

Tempo

Lower lip size

Locus

Eye movements

Pitch

Pupil size

Volume

Head tilt

Rhythm

Breathing rate

Pauses

Posture

Predicates

Hand and finger gestures

Speed

These are some of the more obvious signals. There are many more. There are even signals in the olfactory
system. These are the pheromones that we all give off, although we sense these largely at the unconscious
level.

Calibration

In order to notice change, we need to contrast two BMIRs. This means taking a ‘snapshot’ of the
first BMIR and then noticing when it changes, indicating that a different internal representation is now
taking place. This ‘snapshot’ is called calibration in NLP jargon.

The ‘snapshot’ includes the outward signals. It does not include the conclusion about what is
happening on the inside. So a snapshot is sensory specific and would include things such as ‘his skin
is dark in colour; his body is tense; he moves quickly; his jaw is clenched, and his lips are thin and tight’.

You could conclude from this that this person is angry, but that is called mind reading and is not a sensory
description of what is observed. It could also be wrong. Maybe the person is trying to see how long they can
hold their breath before going free diving!

Start getting used to separating out your conclusions from what you actually observe.

Mind reading

Misunderstandings often result from seeing a pattern of clues at both the conscious and unconscious levels,
and leaping to a conclusion about what is going on for that person. This is the seductive trap of ‘mind
reading’.

Key tip

Become aware of when you fall into the trap of ‘mind reading’ on scanty evidence.

Some people – such as Derren Brown, the entertainer – develop incredible skills at accurately
reading minds in this way. Most of us are far less skilled, but we can greatly improve our abilities by
becoming aware of what is going on and practising to increase that awareness. We will then fall less often
into the trap of facile mind reading, and look for other corroboration before drawing conclusions about what
someone is thinking, simply from their BMIR. If the relationship permits it, you can even ask ‘Were
you feeling anxious just now?’ This will help you build your library of patterns for that person, and
also build your databank of more general patterns to use when you don’t have prior experience of a
person.

One place we do this mind reading is at the movies. If an actor is saying one thing, but our mind reading
picks up another, we dismiss the person as a bad actor. The actors who can get into their role so well that
their unconscious signals match their character are great actors and we know it. They are ‘believable’
in that role, though we would be hard put to say why. Now you know!

Exercise

You will need to do this fun exercise with a friend. It is also a good party game to play with a
group!

Have your friend think of a person they like and calibrate to the BMIR. This means take a
mental ‘snapshot’ of how they look.

Now have your friend think of a person they are neutral about, or do not like. Calibrate to this
BMIR.

Ask your friend some questions, so that they bring one or the other to mind, and you
immediately ‘guess’ which person it is. The questions would be ones like

Which person is older?

Which person has longer hair?

Which person is taller?

Which person do you see most often?

Which person lives further away from you?

Notice that you have an immediate sense of which person your friend is thinking about. Now
backtrack in your mind and notice what visual clues you are using to make this intuitive jump.
You will find that some people will be easier to ‘read’ than others. If you want to
make it tougher, have your friend think of two people they like!

By the way, it is not the thinker’s job to hide anything. Whoever’s turn it is, they
should just be their normal self.

Practise this, taking turns, and you will get much better at it quite quickly. It is, after all,
something we already do very well; it’s just that we normally do it unconsciously. Get really
clear on what specific clues you are noticing: for example, twitch at left corner of mouth, narrowed
eyes, slight frown, skin colour darker or blotchy and so on.

Try the same game with something other than people: for example, foods or holiday destinations.

Optional extra

Now do it with auditory clues. Rather than looking at your friend, close your eyes and have them
count from one to five as they think of one or the other. Listen for differences in the sound and
breathing.

Awareness

This is all really about awareness of others, and also understanding that you are far more transparent than
you thought you were. There is so much more going on in any communication than we are routinely conscious
of, and sharpening up your sensory acuity is a good way to access this extra dimension and make use of
it.

In effect we are looking for patterns that match ones we have already stored from past experiences. When
there is a pattern match, we find something pops into our mind as the connection is made. This is the basis
of intuition and there is more on this in the topic on Intuition.

One of the quickest ways to speed up this process of awareness is to notice whether you pay attention to more
signals in the visual or auditory system, and then practise with the least-used system. This will open up a
door to a whole new set of clues.

If you are weak in auditory acuity, find someone who pays attention to the sound of people’s voices as
their main clues to what is going on, and practise the above exercise with them. Have them explain what they
are noticing until you can notice it too. Listen to foreign language broadcasts together and notice the
differences and changes in tone, pitch and so on.

Exercise

Start looking closely at people. Because we are taught in this society not to stare, we actually miss
out on a lot of information. Give yourself permission to stare at people for a few weeks. At worst,
they will think you are a bit strange when you are riding on the bus! (‘Oh, was I staring? I
didn’t realise – sorry’ will get you out of trouble, if necessary.)

Notice the small changes that flit across people’s faces as they think or talk with a friend.
Notice changes in breathing and skin colour. These changes can’t be consciously controlled and
will always be there to the practised eye. As you notice more distinctions, you will build up a
larger internal library of patterns and your ‘intuition’ will improve.

Getting specific

There is a huge range of unconscious responses that people make to their internal representations; too many
to track consciously. Here are four which are easy to see once pointed out and which, since they are
unconscious, will give accurate information about someone’s thinking.

Skin colour changes

Minute muscle changes

Lower lip changes

Breathing changes.

Skin colour changes

You would be surprised at how much your skin changes colour as the thoughts flow through your mind. Some of
these changes are very subtle; others, such as blushing, are very easy to spot.

The way to start noticing the subtle ones is to first see how the colour varies across a face. Notice how the
nose colour is different to the colour in the cheek and the areas just beside the eyes and so on. As you
start noticing that there are indeed quite large variations, you will also begin to notice that these
colours are not static. They shift and change in quite complex patterns. You will see blotches and spots
come and go, some with defined edges and some smoothly blending in. Do the first exercise above and just
focus on skin colour alone.

Play the game of talking to a friend about their favourite sport, then switch the conversation to something
else and watch for the changes. If you were a painter, what colours would you need on your palette?

Did you know?

In an embryo, the skin develops from the ectoderm, which also develops into the brain, nervous system
and spinal chord. No wonder, then, that our skin reflects our nervous reactions and what we are
thinking.

Minute muscle changes

While you have been looking for colour changes, you will have noticed that there are also many muscle
movements within the face, and some of these produce the colour changes. For example, a tightening around
the eyes can drain colour from the area.

The muscle tension changes on the face are most easy to see at the outer corners of the eyes, around the
mouth and along the jaw line. Also watch the nostrils and the area just between and above the eyebrows. The
muscle tension changes are visible, due both to changes in the skin texture or tone and to changes in the
creases or lines, which may change in depth or length, or even disappear.

Lower lip changes

There is a surprising amount of change going on in your lower lip. You will begin to notice changes in size,
shape, texture, movement, trembling, firmness, colour, wetness and simply how full it seems.

Breathing changes

People breathe from different places in their chest or abdomen, and at different rates. There is a very wide
variation in the ways in which we breathe. Our breathing responds to our internal representations;
interestingly, our internal representations also respond to our breathing. That is, if we consciously manage
our breathing, we can influence what we are thinking and feeling. Who has not taken a deep breath to calm
themselves?

If you cannot see someone’s breathing, just watch the outside edge of the shoulders for a little while.
You will see the regular movement caused by breathing. From here you will start to see other subtle signs
that show where the person is breathing from.

You can also look at the topic Body
Language, particularly the parts on synergology and the minute changes
in posture that are always there and that you can train yourself to become aware of.