Oil discovered in giant human well

In what has been described as a “miracle of staggering proportions”, vast untapped petroleum reserves have been discovered inside Khulubuse Zuma.

The businessman, a nephew of President Jacob Zuma, was admitted to hospital at the weekend after complaining of stomach pains. A check-up revealed the presence of what appeared to be an oil field.

Hospital superintendent Dr Feelgood Sinkhole said the discovery took staff by surprise. “Khulubuse asked us to locate the source of his discomfort. One of the interns suggested the Aurora gold mine. Needless to say, he is no longer working at the hospital.”

Dr Sinkhole said three surgeons had refused to operate on Zuma. “They made obscure references to exploding chest cavities and something called Alien – a horror film, apparently. It subsequently emerged that they were having a little ill-considered fun at the patient’s expense.”

Dr Sinkhole said the surgeons were relieved of their duties and escorted to the parking lot, where they were shot by Brad Wood, one of Zuma’s employees.

Wood confirmed the shooting, saying he alone was responsible. “I have worked long and hard towards this moment and nobody is going to steal my thunder. I shot those people. Nobody else.”

Radiologist Eks-Ray Sieverts said minor alterations had to be made to the radiology department to accommodate Zuma. “Well, when I say minor, I mean we had to remove the roof and bring the patient in on a crane. He was lowered onto a reinforced table and we gave him a thorough seismic examination.”

Sieverts said photographs revealed what appeared to be a “huge subterranean cavern filled with black fluid”. She said it was at this point that hospital management decided to bring in outside help.

State geologist Igneous van Diesel said he was called during the early hours of Sunday morning. “When I analysed the patient, I detected a distinctive rumbling sound that usually indicates the presence of a high-pressure reservoir of oil or gas.”

Van Diesel said at first his team wanted to go in from the top, but it was decided that sinking an exploratory well in the rear would be safer.

“Minimal drilling was required because the patient fortunately had a pre-existing shaft. At first, our test well revealed nothing more interesting than methane gas and a half-digested sheep. As we were about to remove our protective gear, all hell broke loose.”

He said there was a blowout – a “gusher” – and the team had to move fast to cap the well.

“If there had been a roof over us, it would have been blown clean off. As it was, the hospital sustained serious structural damage by the force of the blast.”

Van Diesel said he estimated that Zuma contained “at least 160 million barrels” – enough to meet South Africa’s oil needs for the next few years.

“Of course, we are going to have to test the quality of the oil. There is a chance that it’s not even good enough to fry chips in. But if it’s the high octane stuff, as we suspect it is, then the patient can expect to become far richer than he already is. If that’s even possible.”

Speaking from the recovery ward while having his reservoir drained, Zuma said he was looking forward to negotiating a good price – “maybe $95 a barrel” – with BP or Shell.