WHERE’S SVEN, BIG, SMALL AND INGLISH LESSUNSS

Missing Sven.

Horror of horrors. There are people writing in to football message boards actually saying that England would have a better chance in Croatia with Sven in charge rather than Capello. Short memories or what? Mind you, there must be a few of us who think it matters not a jot who’s in the hot seat as they all end up doing pretty much the same job. By and large they pick the same players, employ similar systems and seem incapable of injecting any sense of nous, quality or continental style talent. Capello may have been in the game for years as well as' being paid a small fortune, but the truth of the matter is when it comes to England, you, me or even the wife’s mother could do an equivalent job. England, as clearly shown by their last outing, are not good enough and having a Italian veteran at the helm isn’t going to make a scrap of difference.

Big Man City.

Wow. Doesn’t the injection of a few quid make a difference? One minute, Manchester City are continuing their lengthy impression as the second biggest club in the city when suddenly: BAM – they’re offering £30 million for Berbatov and then signing Robinho from Real Madrid right under the noses of Chelsea for a British record fee. What a roller coaster ride for City fans. One minute you’re in bed with a man who’s got millions but might struggle to win Thailand’s Man of the Year award, the next you’re in the clutches of the Abu Dhabi United Group. And to put that in context, they’re worth about 28 times that of Roman Abramovich.' And what of poor old Chelsea? Down the road, they’ve got Ecclestone, Briatore and Co in charge of QPR (c’mon on you Super Hoops) and now the might of the Arabian Dirham moves in at Eastlands. Geez, the Blues will be in your local soup kitchen next.

Go Tiny.

A Footy Boots punter wrote in to us recently asking if we knew how he should best go about running a small club. The answer is easy mate. Buy Newcastle United and wait a few years.

The 19th hole.

News has reached us that the LPGA in the USA are to introduce an English proficiency exam for all their professional golfers. The reason, they say, is that event winners should be able to converse with the fans and media in English and also with major sponsors and players in pro-am’s. The real reason, you might suspect, is that they are fed up with Asian players winning many of their tournaments and speaking their mother tongue as they go round. Either way, can you imagine the chaos if the Premier League introduced a rule that all players must have a rudimentary grasp of the English language. Virtually every foreigner would be fine while the majority of players born in England, Scotland, Wales and either Ireland wouldn’t last two minutes. And for any home grown players reading this, two is the number after one and before three.