If you could see yourself

I was having a on and off relationship with a older man,yesterday I went round to his flat just to talk. He let me in and as soon as I said,I just want to talk,he put his arms under my top and undid my bra and he started to kiss me, next thing I know I am laying next to him naked, he is on top of me and putting his penis inside me,I tell him to stop,he says,I want to get you pregnant. I am scared that I might be pregnant and was I raped?

Thanks for getting in touch. I’m really sorry to hear what’s happened and I would really encourage you to speak to someone about it.

Rape is when a man forces his penis into the mouth, anus or vagina of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'.

Forcing or pressuring you into any sexual activity is totally unacceptable and no one should be putting you in that position. You can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. Or you can visit www.rapecrisis.org.uk for further advice and information. You can also speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers to help people who have been raped or sexually assaulted. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

A male colleague from work was driving me home as we finished at the same time and said shall we go somewhere? I asked what he meant and he just gave me a look, I said I don't think it's a good idea. He put his hand on my leg and kept driving... then parked by a wooded side road and tried to kiss me. We have had history but this was in the past(which is how I wanted it) so I said no I don't want to and kept turning my head but he kept kissing my neck and touching my leg etc. He said come out the car into the woods (to have sex) but I kept saying I really don't want to and I don't think it's a good idea etc but he was begging and saying no one will see / find out and then got out the car and came and opened my door and pulled by arm gently to encourage me to get out. I didn't want to make a huge fuss as I felt embarrassed and really awkward. Even though I didn't want to follow I really didn't know what to do so I got out the car and followed him as he walked into the woods. I was following him saying this is a bad idea and I don't think I should do this and I don't want to .... but he just kept saying it'll be fine and was walking speedily ahead. When he stopped he started kissing me and holding my arms quite tightly and then said lets have sex and told me what position to get into. I was visibly not happy about this and had previously said no at least 6 times but I did it anyway as I was scared and didn't know what else to do. Would this be classed as anything even though I did allow him to have sex with me and obviously wasn't persistent enough?

Hi, thanks for getting in touch, I’m really sorry to hear what’s happened. If someone forces you to have sex when you don’t want to, that is rape, it doesn’t make a difference if you have had a sexual relationship with that person before, no one should be forcing you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable with. I would really encourage you to speak to someone about what’s happened, you can call the national freephone rape crisis helpline on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2:30pm and 7pm – 9:30pm they will be able to provide you with help and support. Kerry
This is Abuse team

This Is Abuse team - 18/05/2015

19/04/2015

So I've had my boyfriend for about three months now. I'm twelve and he's thirteen. I really love him he's everything but I just need answers to some questions. So this weekend I spent with him. I sleep round his house but nothing like sex ever happens. We were on the couch in his games room and the he kissed me for the first time. It was so good. Then things started to get a bit sexual. He tounged me. And then he started to aggressively kiss me. I like it. He touches me (over clothes) sometimes. Is it illeagal? I like it. I do not try to get away. He kisses my neck. Ive sat on his lap and stuff. He kisses my stomach. He really addictive. He won't force me to do anything I don't want to do and he will stop if I dont like what he's doing. I'm pretty sure he gets turned on because he breaths heavily and moans. I love it when he pushes me against the wall and makes out with me. Is all of this illeagal? Just worrying that I'm breaking the law. Not to sound like a slut or anything but I have no problem with him touching me. He is never abusive and always cares about me.
Reply

19/04/2015

Hi Tash, I’m really glad you got in touch to ask these questions. If you are under 16 it is against the law to have sex. From what you have said it sounds as though your boyfriend is treating you with respect, checking that you are comfortable with kissing and stopping if you don’t like what he is doing which is good and is a healthy relationship. There is a lot of really helpful information on the Childline website about relationships and I would encourage you to look at it www.childline.org.uk/Explore/SexRelationships/Pages/Relationships.aspx you can also chat to them online or call their helpline on 0800 1111, they will be able to answer your questions about your relationship.

Kerry
This is Abuse team

This Is Abuse team - 20/04/2015

Baeislife

05/03/2015

my friend recently, did something horrible behind my back with my ex boyfriend. and he forced her into giving him oral sex. Even though she did it? Is this classed as rape?

Thanks for sharing this with us. If somebody is forced to do something sexually that they do not want to do it is rape or sexual assault. If your friend was forced to perform oral sex it would be considered rape and your ex-boyfriend could be arrested for this.

She probably needs good friends around her if this was her experience, and maybe someone to help her access help.

She might want to start by visiting the Rape Crisis website, www.rapecrisis.org.uk. They also have a helpline that she might want to phone.

I hope you can help her access some help.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 17/03/2015

Leah

27/02/2015

When I was younger my sister had this friend called Connor and I used to go with them wen they played and wen nobody was looking he used to pin to to a wall and pretended to have it and when he did sometimes he didn't get to close when he was doing it but sometimes he did act silly touch and I couldn't get a way because he just pinned me down harder sometimes he used to touch me in uncomfortable places is it bad or not?

It sounds like the person who was doing this was touching you in a sexual way, I know you haven't really gone in to any detail about what happened. If you want to talk a little bit more then we run a live chat service on the website on a Tuesday and Wednesday from 6pm until 7pm.

It is never ok for someone to touch us in a way that we do not like, especially if it is sexually. Have you talked to anybody about this?

It would be helpful for you to give us a bit more information so we might be able to link you in with the right support.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 15/03/2015

Amy

04/02/2015

I had a boyfriend last year who I lost my virginity to, we are still friends but recently he's told me he still has feelings for me, I've told him no a lot of times as the relationship didn't work for me and I'm not interested, but eventually he either makes me feel guilty or won't stop touching me until I have sex with him, does this count as abuse?

Yes, this does count as abuse.
It is not ok for him to not respect your feelings about not wanting a relationship again. And it is rape if he forces you to have sex when you do not want to as he does not have your consent.

Does anyone else know what has been going on? It may help you to be able to talk about this. Also, can you stop seeing him? If you have to see him make sure you are not on your own. You could also consider blocking him on your phone and any social networks online.

Hi I ain't sure if this anything but years ago wen split with my kids dad he use to always want me back I would always say no and wanted to b friends as wasn't in love with him but every time I said no he would bring something round like substances I even started to say no wen was on them but most time he pestered me too much til I did. I think he thought I enjoyed it which I didn't and had told him didn't want to do that sort thing he realised it one night and stopped but still pestered it. This went on for 2 years. It took him til I got with my partner with now who been with 4 years to stop.

That does not sound good. It is never ok for someone to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. This also includes trying to get someone to use substances to control someone and get them to agree to something that they would not have done otherwise.
I am glad he has stopped now and you are with someone else who I hope treats you well. Is he still in contact with your children?

If he tries to pressure you again the you can always call the police or the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247.
take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 09/01/2015

diane

18/11/2014

I have recently come out of a very turbulent relationship which involved alcohol and substance abuse. to cut a long story short my then partner stamped on my leg so hard the doctor said it would of heald quicker had the bone been broken. I also have a knife wound on my neck from this man who aledgedly loved me. I v never reported any of this to the authorities. out of fear and understanding his mental state.. I know I had hurt him emotionally but I can't seem to move forward as everything feels so raw. .

I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you have experienced, it sounds incredibly traumatic.

I am really glad you are no longer in that relationship. Firstly I want to check if you are safe now? Do you have any contact with him? If you are at all scared please ring the police on 999 anytime. You can also call the domestic violence helpline on 0800 2000 247 - 24 hours a day.

Does anyone else know what happened in your relationship? It is a good idea to tell people as they can support you and also help to keep you safe. You mentioned a doctor? Did he know how you got the injury to your leg? You can always talk to doctors and other professionals as they can help you.

I think you may also benefit from some counselling. It is totally normal to feel unable to move on, abuse and trauma have huge impacts on all areas of your life and it is important to get support to help cope and move forwards. The helpline I told you about above can tell you about local services where you can get advice, counselling, group work sessions with other survivors etc - whatever you need.

It is up to you if you want to report this to the police, I understand your fears. The most important thing is your safety and well-being so please do contact them if he is still harassing or abusing you. And please don't blame yourself, regardless of his mental state or use of substances, abuse is always a choice and always wrong. You were not to blame.

I hope this helps,
take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 19/12/2014

Meg

02/11/2014

At halloween I went to the disco with some of my friends, I was the only girl and there is a boy in my group and he likes me and I like him so his cousin was talking to me about him in private, and he was forcing me to touch him and he kept on wanting to touch me and kiss me I kept on telling him no and I tried to get him off but I couldn't. I haven't told anyone yet. Was he abusing me??

Thanks for your post. If you’ve been forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you didn’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

We hope this helps

Take care
The This is Abuse Team

05/11/2014

Iman

30/09/2014

My friend was raped. She had been in a casual intimte relationship with someone and was spending time with him and some friends at a forest, camping when another friend had approached her and tried to kiss her. she had told him no, and that she didnt want it to happen and extricated herself from the situation but later on, she was with the boy she had been having a casual sexual relationship with (she had also secretly developed feelings for him) when the friend joined in. having already said no, she didnt know what else to do, and not wanting to cause a fuss, especially when he was meant to be a friend - a safe zone and he kept trying to convince her it was okay by using her own morals against her saying 'you should understand, you care about peace and love, this is peace and love' etc. weve since spoken about it and are discussing legal options and getting help groups but what concerns me is that when i was spending time with another of the guys in that group of friend he too tried to convince me and playfully force me into having sex with him. I kept saying no and telling him to stop and avoid certain areas but he just said calm down and its okay and to relax, and i could tell that he didnt realise what he was doing. i didnt give in but if he was with someone else who didnt have the energy or stubbornness or stregnth to go the whole night saying no then that person may have been raped but he wouldnt know what hed done wrong. unless youre kicking and screaming it seems people this youre playing a game. i knew he didnt realise what he was trying to do to me so i dont want to hold it against him as a person because he does have a good heart but i think people need to be educated to know that its not okay. when someone says no, they should have to be screaming and crying for you to listen. if you say no then its not your fault. i want to be able to explain to him what he did as wrong but it was a little while ago and we still have a good friendship because i understand that it was ignorance not a bad intention, but he and that group of friends dont seem to understand that and i feel like it could be the case for a lot of people. i had to use all my stregnth to stop him from playfully going to far simply because he was naturally a lot stronger than me. i want to educate hem but i dont know how to without causing tensions and ruining friendships..

Hi Iman,
Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear what you and your friend have been through. You are right that people need a lot more education about healthy and respectful relationships - especially around sex and consent. But, what they did was still abuse and illegal and you were both very clear that you did not want to do anything.
I am glad that you are talking to your friend about the options. If you want some more advice or support you can talk confidentially to rape crisis - they can help you, advise you on what would happen if you did report to the police and also tell you about the services in your area. http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
0808 802 9999

It's very important that your friend gets some support as rape is incredibly traumatic and can have long lasting impacts. You may also benefit from talking to someone about what you experienced.

I understand you want to give these guys the benefit of the doubt and be friends still but I am concerned about this. Please try not to be on your own with them and tell someone if anything like this happens again. You can always call the police if you feel scared.

Take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 08/12/2014

Lme

29/09/2014

I think it's disgusting the amount of males who believe they have an entitlement to anyone they want. It seems to be heriditory, as though they inherit some sort of sexism from their parents or perhaps just the underlying sexism in society? Mortifying what ever the case

There's a boy in my school, and he's been touching up my best friend. He touched me up several months ago too, but I was too scared to tell anyone, because of how they might react, and that it might get around. But anyway, he's been touching up my best friend, and she's finally found the nerve to confide in me, but she hates it. She's like most other teenagers, she likes to make jokes and other mild sexual puns, but when it comes to the real thing - she's terrified. I've kept my eye on when they hug, and I refuse to allow them privacy, because of what might happen. He even did it to her when I was in the room, but couldn't see them. I've been trying to distract her from being too upset by making her laugh and the small things like buying little gifts and snacks for her, and talking to her about family life, but i'm worried that if i fall ill for a few days, if they're alone for a while then she might actually get raped. My other best friend was raped as a child, and she suffers from severe depression, multiple personality disorders and other psychological issues, and as an early teen I was molested by 2 boys in my old school. I have emotional detatchment issues, so i'm not too bothered about myself, but I have great concern for my school friend, as she's the most timid girl i've ever met, and I want to protect her, as she's been through plenty in her life as it is. I'm too scared to report it, as the police may become involved, yet I can't be with her 24/7 to keep an eye out and I want to know that she's safe.

Thanks for getting in touch. It sounds like you and your friends have all been through a really tough time. It must be really hard. It's really important that you understand that this is not your fault, and the men that have acted in this way are responsible for this behaviour and what they are doing is wrong and illegal. Therefore they could be punished by the Police as that is the right thing to do.

I am concerned for you, and your two friends who have all been through awful ordeals. I think it would be really helpful for you all to talk to somebody in your school about what has been happening.

There is a lot of information on this website which could be really helpful for you and your friends to read. My concern is that you are not very well supported, and are therefore at more risk. I really would recommend speaking to somebody at school, or to an adult that you trust.

You can also speak to Childline on 0800 1111, or talk to us on Live Chat on our Website Monday to Friday 5pm until 7pm.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 04/04/2014

emily

15/03/2014

i was in a relationship with my boyfriend, he was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me . i loved him a lot and i mean a lot , after 2 months he started to tell me what to wear , what to do , he was controlling me . when i ever said no to hi he would get very angry and punch,kick,spit,and leave bruises and multiple scarthes on my body . thats not all . when i was with hi i was a virgin only 17 years old he was 19 , he wasnt a virgin and i was , he asked for sex and i said no , he ripped my skirt and underwear , looked in to my eyes , i knew something was wrong , he then started to cry and said im srry i have to do this , he ripped my top and took his penis out , right now i was panicking because i had never done this , ..... he raped me . after he was done he told me that he loved me i didnt say a word he picked me up and placed me in the bath and put the shwer on he gave me a shower , after that he went out to get me flowers and chocolates i didnt say anything , but deep down in my heart i still loved him .after a year we split up .

Hi Emily
Thank you for your message.
It sounds like your relationship was incredibly abusive. I am very glad you are no longer with him, but I want to check you are safe now. Do you have any contact with him now?
Have you had any support to cope with what happened? Abuse and rape can have long lasting impacts and it is important to talk about it and get help.
If you want to talk more to us, we have a live chat service every mon-fri between 5-7pm.
You can also contact rape crisis - http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
freephone helpline
0808 802 9999
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm

or the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247.
You are not alone and deserve support,
take care
Jo

This is Abuse team - 19/03/2014

Michael

11/03/2014

I have this friend who went out with this guy over a year and 8 months, in the last few months I found out what he was going and I've known while they've been going out, but she asked me not to doing anything, even though I had her in tears and her ex boyfriend was raping her while she was sleeping taking her clothes of as well, she woke up and was acting like she was still asleep as she was so scared. Even through the day if he wanted sex and she didn't he would pin her down to her own bed and flip her over on to her stomach and rape her that way, she put up with a fight to get him of her and he used all he strength and pinned her, leaving her marks all over her arms. I would have her in tears every night when he wasn't at hers. He'd even put his down her bra while I was with them and he completely controlled her. Now she not with him she so scared he'd come back for more... When they broke up, she asked him why did he rape her and all he said was that there sex life was going down. She in a new relationship, but she jumps everytime she gets touched and she breaks down, she hasn't been to the police as she scared of what they're saying and what her family will say! Her ex has been trying to get with an underage girl but she warned her and she backed off but since she came out of the relationship she been so scared and she feels like she dirty, worthless and not even worth being here, she 19 and she got with him at 17. She needs advice as she really scared about going to the police.

Hi Michael,
Thanks for your message. I’m sorry to hear that your friend has suffered such a traumatic experience. Many victims of rape do not speak out or are reluctant to discuss what they have experienced as they fear that they will not be believed. Your friend needs to be reminded that everyone has the right to say no to sex, even when in relationships.
It is important that you continue offering her your support and remind her that this is not her fault. The blame lies entirely with her ex-boyfriend. Your friend must be the one to make the decision whether she reports the rapes. I would suggest your friend contacts www.rapecrisis.org.uk or call them on 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9.30pm) they can offer support and advice.
Take care
Sarah

12/03/2014

Anonymous

05/03/2014

I had been split up from my ex for about 5months, I had moved into a flat on my on. He turned up one night & barged his way in. He started to try it on but I told him no, I was seeing someone else. He wasn't happy at this and pinned me too the sofa, his hand round my neck, he threw my phone across the room so I could not reach it. He eventually left without much else happening. This happened another couple of times in the following months. Then in the early hours of he turned up again throwing stuff at my window to get my attention then threatening to smash my car up. So I opened the door & he pushed past me. That night it didn't stop at him holding me down by the throat, that night he raped me. After he left I carried on as normal, had my shower and went to work. I can't go to the police because I know what will happen. My friends know & I recently told my sister, but I don't want to talk about it. I live in a small town so I see him now & again but this wkend I was out for a friends birthday only to discover he is now working in my local

Thank you for your message. You have gone through something really traumatic and frightening. It takes a lot of courage to share that and reach out for support. You don’t have to cope with this without support, there are places out there you can talk to.

What happened to you was as serious crime and was not your fault. Your ex attacked you and you now have to see him around where you live. It sounds like this is making things really hard and you are frightened to get support as he is still in the same town as you. You say you cannot go to the police because you know what will happen. Are you frightened he will attack you again?
It sounds like you have support around you from your family and friends. That’s good, as you do not have to cope with this on your own. However I would encourage you to call Rape Crisis, they are an organisation who specialise in working with women and girls who have suffered sexual violence and trauma. They can talk with her in a confidential and non-judgemental setting. You can reach them on 0808 802 (12 –2.30 & 7 – 9.30 everyday). They will be able to listen to you and discuss with you options to assist you in your recovery and support in your local area.

You have been through something really serious and you deserve support. We also have a live chat 5-7 weeknights if you would like to talk with one of our advisors and get some more support here.