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Author
Topic: Are there any good men (Read 4955 times)

Well ... It's me again ... and know I need your advice, wisdom or what ever you can offer ...

First let me say I've been positive since January 2005, and after alot of denial .. I finally embraced HIV .. and decided that HIV lives with me .. not I with HIV. Now that all's right with the world ... now I ready to date and find Mr. Wonderful. Well I thought I had found that person .. met on man on POZ that lived in South Bend IN .. we talked everyday sometime 3 or 4 times a day for 6months .. then he decided that he want to come to California for a visit ... I thought .. what the hell .. ok ... paid for a ticket .. yes I know .. why did I do that ... but paid for a ticket for him to come to California .. well to cut to the chase ... he's back home on Saturday, September 18th ... and since then .. I've talked to him ... maybe once ... what the hell was I thinking ... I thought that men being positive would be more attentive ... more loving ... more not ... this is exactly what I was afraid of .. being rejected ... I don't know how to handle this ... I feel like I'm coming a loose from the seams ... I can't get it together .. I'm crying now as I writing this ... this has really hurt me - I have so many emotions flowing through right now ... Can anyone help me understand this mess of emotions that's going on with me ... and how do I protect from this ... any answers anyone ....

I think being rejected is the same whether one is positive or not, and whether the person rejecting one is positive or not...still hurts. I am sorry you got hurt. That happens though doesn't it? If it were easy to find "Mr. Wonderful" I suppose one wouldn't appreciate him when one had him as much. So, continue the search and try to enjoy it...thats my advice. Also, why put all your eggs in one basket? Being rejected by one guy doesn't mean everyone will. Being rejected by twenty guys doesn't mean everyone will. Have hope!

I need you to read the Positive Women's Welcome Thread. Men aren't allowed to post in this forum; it's for women only.

I've left your post this time, but any further posts in this forum will be deleted. If you really feel the need to respond to something you read in this forum, you can either start your own thread about it in Living or Off Topic, or you can reply via PM.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

like any girls (poz or neg), we all face similar issues with men. it must be hard coz you had built up high expectation in this guy since communicating with him for 6 months....from my experience, and i learned it the hard way, it is better not to have too much expectation in men. after he left, you mentioned you guys talked once...do you think he does not want to continue communication with you anymore? let him have some space now...and see if he will contact you later....

have faith in yourself and your future...you will meet someone one day...you have to believe in it, and be patient..that is what i tell myself all the time.

Well ... It's me again ... and know I need your advice, wisdom or what ever you can offer ...

First let me say I've been positive since January 2005, and after alot of denial .. I finally embraced HIV .. and decided that HIV lives with me .. not I with HIV. Now that all's right with the world ... now I ready to date and find Mr. Wonderful. Well I thought I had found that person .. met on man on POZ that lived in South Bend IN .. we talked everyday sometime 3 or 4 times a day for 6months .. then he decided that he want to come to California for a visit ... I thought .. what the hell .. ok ... paid for a ticket .. yes I know .. why did I do that ... but paid for a ticket for him to come to California .. well to cut to the chase ... he's back home on Saturday, September 18th ... and since then .. I've talked to him ... maybe once ... what the hell was I thinking ... I thought that men being positive would be more attentive ... more loving ... more not ... this is exactly what I was afraid of .. being rejected ... I don't know how to handle this ... I feel like I'm coming a loose from the seams ... I can't get it together .. I'm crying now as I writing this ... this has really hurt me - I have so many emotions flowing through right now ... Can anyone help me understand this mess of emotions that's going on with me ... and how do I protect from this ... any answers anyone ....

Hi There, You've asked some important questions here...especially.."how do I protect (myself) from this".

First off, as to your mess of emotions, you don't say how much time he spent with you in CA, what you did together, etc. Pardon me, but if it went to a sexual level then that's part of your sadness---women rarely invest sexually without emotions running on a parallel track.

Did you pay for his travel and anything the two of you did during his visit? If so, and this is going to sound blunt, he had zero financial skin in the game. Unless you have discretionary income such that this underwriting was no big deal to your budget, I would put this in the Protect Yourself column for the future.

It set the tone for visit. I want you so badly I'm willing to pay for you. So, if he's got any respect-for-women issues and the usual underlying self respect issues, then he's not going to feel truly great inside about being a partially kept man. That could be enough right there to cause him to shut down and shy away. Consider that it has nothing to do with you so much as his own inner wiring, fears, motives, etc.

Did you really like him? Were you attracted to him in a variety of ways? Can you be truthful with yourself about his strengths and weaknesses? Take some time to be thoughtful about this---don't lie to yourself if you can avoid it.

Because a good percentage of liking is at an animal/chemical level, too, it is possible that you simply aren't his type. Nothing to do about that except cast the net again.

Just curious...did he volunteer to pay anything? did he mention feeling awkward? did he say he'd send some money to you?

Were I in your shoes, right now, I would reflect him. Don't communicate. Take great care of yourself. Long baths. Brisk walks. Loads of water. Some sunlight. Good food. Hang with family/friends.

Soon you may be wanting to send him a thank you note for not wasting ANY more of your time.

Other items in the Protect Yourself column. In the future, go 50-50 on financing unless he's got beaucoup dough and doesn't mind. As Mesu noted, keep your expectations quite low then you won't be dashed when let down. Introduce the next person to friends so you can get some feedback----candid feedback.

You are not limited to positive men only. I am new to discovering this, but for years I've been reading of sero-discordant couples. Love can override HIV's potential for putting someone off.

Hope you finally got some sleep and that your day is going much better.

Hey Thick- The guy was from South Bend? Well, I live in Mishawaka which is the town that borders South Bend to the east, so I can tell you there are no good men here. Just kidding. Anyway, I know you're probably kicking yourself for paying the guy's way. So you know to never, ever do that again. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. But at least you know now instead of six years from now. I know nonetheless it's still a disappointment. I'm all with Em on taking the long baths, etc. Be good to yourself, learn from this, get up and keep going. Hope to hear more from you!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I would like to thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement - I know now that what I did was stupid .. but on some level ... I really thought that we had something in common ... I don't know why I'm limiting myself to positive men .. I just thought it would be easy ... but I guess as EM says ... I just have to be open to someone ... gotta work on that ... even though everyone in my family knows my status .. I'm just not ready to expose myself to non-positive people ... at least not yet .. that would be what I call work in progress ... but thank you guys for listening ... I really appreciate it ... and I LOVE YOU GUYS for the WORDS ... the mean alot to me ...

Thick713

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tendai

Hie ThickSorry about that. it always hurts when u invest emotions in a relationship. men are dogs, girl, but not all of them. i'm sure theres a better breed of dog somewhere, they're not all bad. Keep your head up. when u're down the only way to go is up they say. I read a thing that said something like " U cant make someone love you, all u can do is be a person who can be loved and its the up to the other person to appreciate your worth'. So if he doenst appreciate you then he's not worth your time.

hi i know how you feel i meet a guy here all sow and i have not herard from him in quite a while sow i understand how you feel i try dateing look what happen now i wish i would of left well anouf alone

Well this is a gay cat speaking and you can bet your butt off that a good man is hard to find. I have been in a relationship for 12 years and the few times I've gotten very pissed I pretend to be single again and flirt around at work or wherever I go. I have noticed that almost every guy is only interested in one night stands. I would not waste my time with that. I might like it and then suffer because of not being able to get it again! Lol. Anyways, I have not been with anyone besides my partner which to my deepest feeling is worth those few arguments we do have. I know his virtues and childish feelings on occasions and bad habits. When I weigh all that to what I see around, I acknowledge that I have made a wise choice to stay in this relationship for these past 12 years. The majority of the men, gay or not, just barely have those touches to their personality that fulfills what we expect in a firm relationship. Most are just tied to themselves and are either looking for perfection or are just to afraid to be humble in a loving relationship and place their heart in anothers hands...these words come from a 43 year old cat who is still quite happy in life. To find a good man is almost impossible, but miracles do happen. Keep the faith!

(Added today after reading Ann's comment below)...Sorry for posting in the Positive Womens Forum. I totally ignore the forums where I post and most of the time just read the topic and the person who posted. I replied when it appeared in the Recent Posts area not the Forum itself which I never visit. I will label this Womens Forum as "TABOO" and try to recognize it for the future. I did not mean to intrude. It was my mistake. Sorry to those females who read my post here and thought I was intruding their private space. I'm gone... A sorry cat, Richard

« Last Edit: September 21, 2007, 03:49:10 PM by Catman »

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Catman

Meow to the birdsMeow to the tree'sMeow to the endof this dreadful disease...

I need you to read the Positive Women's Welcome Thread. Men aren't allowed to post in this forum; it's for women only.

I've left your post this time, but any further posts in this forum will be deleted. If you really feel the need to respond to something you read in this forum, you can either start your own thread about it in Living or Off Topic, or you can reply via PM.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Hi , Hope u are now feeling better and as someone said before, it hurts no matter if you are positive or not, we're all been negative before and even then some men broke our heart... the thing is and I beleive this is the reason you got so hurt that when you are positive you are sure all the bad things happens to you is cause you are positive, been there... as a matter of fact , sometime I feel I am still there a bit,,, I was sure my misscarriege was cause I am pos. cause of the hiv... it happens a lot but you must be stong , u know you will find some one who will love you as you are... I found one and he is negative and he met me when I was deep it this s.... so... Wish you luck !!!