This story is part of what I call The Ragnarok Cycle. To avoid
confusion they should be read in the following order:
1) ANNUAL REVIEW
2) CARYATID
3) A VIEW FROM MOUNT NEBO
4) SATORI
5) MUSINGS ON ELIOT
6) DEAD MAN SWITCH
Title: Annual Review
Author: Tim Scott
Email: tscott@fix.net
Rating: R for language
Summary: Moose and Squirrel get a wake-up call.
Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, Dana Scully and Walter Skinner belong to
Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the Fox Network. Their use in
this story is completely unauthorized. As always, if I am caught
or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of my actions.
AD Skinner's Office
9:06 am
Mulder opened the door and ushered his partner through before
closing it quietly behind him. They both immediately noticed the
absence of chairs and realized they were in trouble.
Good.
Walter Skinner kept working on a file, ignoring them. Let 'em
sweat a bit. He won a mental bet with himself when it took less
than five seconds for Mulder to clear his throat.
"Uh, sir? We -- "
"I'll deal with you two in a minute, Agent Mulder."
Skinner didn't have to look up to know they were exchanging
worried glances by now. He scribbled his signature on a paper,
closed the folder and set it in his OUT basket. He looked at
his desk clock.
"Being late for your annual performance review is not a promising
beginning, Agent Mulder."
Scully flashed him a quick glare. So it's his fault they're late.
Imagine my surprise. She said nothing aloud, though.
"I am not satisfied with your work of late, agents. Your solve
rate has dropped dramatically, your reports come in late, and
word around the building is that you spend more time arguing with
each other than you do earning your salaries. Which are also, I
might add, up for review at this time."
Skinner watched them squirm, his face impassive, and decided to
let them simmer a bit.
"I was not amused with your recent foray into speculative fiction,
either. If I want to read Dracula stories I can find better ones
at Barnes & Noble." The disgust in his voice was plain.
Mulder started to protest but Skinner silenced him with a raised
palm. "Mulder. Shut up." The lanky agent blinked in surprise.
Scully's jaw dropped a bit at this new attitude. The AD picked
up a thick file folder.
"Do you see this, Agent Mulder? Agent Scully?" Mulder opened
his mouth to reply but his partner whacked him across the middle.
They both nodded quietly.
"This is a list I have spent some time compiling. It contains
the shittiest assignments I could find. The most demeaning jobs
out there, the stuff nobody wants to touch, the things that get
left undone until there's absolutely no excuse left to avoid it."
He leaned toward them and, in a very satisfied voice, said, "And
it's all for you."
The AD sat back in his leather executive swivel chair, evaluating
their expressions.
"I didn't ask to be your supervisor, you know, Mulder. They
stuck me with you because I'd just made AD and the new guy gets
all the scut work. Being the new guy, I tried to go by the book
in dealing with you. It didn't work, you kept doing as you
pleased whenever you felt like it. Then that black-lunged son of
a bitch came in with override power from God knows where. He
made me send you wherever he wanted to serve his own agenda, shit
-canned procedures he didn't like, and you still did pretty much
as you fucking pleased."
Skinner got up to pace. Mulder and Scully were at attention.
Well, Scully was. Her partner just watched his balding boss with
wide-eyed fascination. Skinner stopped in front of them, leaned
back against his desk.
"That situation is about to change. I've been in office long
enough that I can do things my way now, and Smokey Joe hasn't
been replaced yet so we have a breathing space. You two will do
things my way from here on out. Each time you do *not* do things
my way you will get a present from the goodie bag." Skinner
gestured at the folder, then leaned into Mulder's face.
"I have things in there, Mulder, that will make you look back on
wiretap duty with longing. You will pray for the good old days
of transcribing worthless information for endless aching hours."
Mulder gulped and nodded. Skinner leaned back and considered
them for a moment before resuming his pacing.
"You will enter what I'm told the field agents call 'couples
therapy'. It will improve your efficiency and get your numbers
back up where they belong. It will make you look good again.
And when you look good, I look good. And we all want to look
good, don't we, Agent Scully? Because the departments that meet
their assigned goals get the funding. Isn't that right, Agent
Mulder?"
Mulder said, "But, sir -- "
Skinner held up his hand again and checked his watch, then went
back to his desk to make a phone call. Mulder shut up as his
boss dialed a four digit extension and waited, making a show of
perusing the dreaded Folder. Finally someone picked up.
"Ed? Walter. You won the pool. It took Mulder less than five
minutes to earn his first demerit. You pick the restaurant, I'll
see you and the others at noon. Bye."
Skinner hung up the phone and strode over to hand Mulder the
paper. Mulder scanned it, paled, and looked at his supervisor in
shock. "You wouldn't." Scully craned her neck to see.
Skinner smiled an evil smile. "Try me."
Mulder looked vaguely ill and croaked, "Couples therapy. Right."
Skinner leaned in again, smiling maliciously. "I picked this
shrink specifically for you, Mulder. I searched for months to
find just the right person. Her credentials are even more
impressive than yours, Oxford Grad, so don't even think about
trying to play 'my degree can beat up your degree'. If I hear
one whisper from her about non-cooperation from you you will
wish your parents had never met."
The agents eyed each other, nonplussed. Of course, being who
they were, Skinner didn't expect them to take this lying down.
He was not disappointed. They quickly regrouped and attacked.
Over the course of the next fifteen minutes Mulder accumulated
five more demerits -- three for interrupting, one for defending
himself after being warned to drop it, and the last for his
general attitude. Scully held her own score down to two -- one
for interrupting and the other for trying to defend herself.
The look on her face was priceless, she'd been so sure she was
beyond reproach.
Finally the AD decided he'd been patient enough and yelled, "Shut
up, goddammit!" They did.
Skinner shook his head in frustration. "What is so difficult
about this concept, agents? You've been in government service
long enough to know how things work. I *can* do this and I'm
*going* to do this. I am higher in the chain of command than you
two. Shit rolls downhill. If you stand there with your mouths
open naturally you won't like the taste. Shut up and do as you
are told!"
He walked back behind the desk, mumbling imprecations. Mulder
was looking mulish again. Skinner leveled a finger at him.
"Don't even go there, Agent Mulder. You brought this on yourself."
Mulder's eyes blazed. "How do you figure that?"
Skinner's eyes blazed right back. He snarled, "I gave you a
chance to do this the easy way. Remember Florida? That nice,
easy communications skills conference I sent you to? All you
had to do was sit in a conference room, listen to the lectures
and *think* about what they were telling you. But, nooo, not
you. Not Fox Mulder. No, you found some cheesy variation on the
Bigfoot legend and blew off your assignment."
Skinner stood up, leaned his weight on both fists and glared at
the younger man. Mulder had the grace to look ashamed. Scully
looked like she badly wanted to be anywhere but here.
"Not only did you blow off your assignment but you got yourself
injured again, sending me over my medical budget for the third
time in three years. On top of that, the combined-departmental
manhunt necessitated by your disappearing act was not cheap.
Would you like to see the spreadsheets on what your little
escapade cost the taxpayers, Agent Mulder?"
Skinner broke off and turned his back on them, trying to calm
himself down. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of
his nose before turning to face them again.
"Listen to me, you two. It's important that you take these
sessions seriously. Much depends on it. I have plans for you
both, but before I pursue those plans I need to know if I'll be
using you as a team or if it's time to break up your partnership."
That got their attention.
"The contentiousness between you cannot be allowed to continue.
You are going to settle it, one way or another. The Bureau can
use you both, either way, but I have to know in what capacity
you are willing to serve. Will you stay with the X-Files, either
individually or as a team, or would you prefer to be reassigned?"
Silence. Silence and shock. And neither of them was looking at
the other now.
"Agent Scully, you are no doubt aware of the PR problem the FBI
lab is experiencing. You would be perfect to head up the task
of rebuilding that department. Your reputation as a cautious
researcher is well known. Mulder, you are my first choice to
head up VCS when Maxwell retires later this year. You both did
well as ASACs during the 'foxhunt', even though Mulder is not
satisfied with his own performance. I was planning to use that
as the first step in moving you both up through the ranks."
He looked seriously from one to the other.
"The Bureau needs trustworthy people. The incident with Blevins
made that painfully obvious. I know of no people who fit that
description better than you two. So. It's up to you to decide
if you still want to be partners."
Skinner counted seconds in his head. He didn't make it to ten
before Mulder exploded. "This is just another goddamn plot to
conceal -- "
This time Skinner turned the volume all the way up. "SHUT UP,
MULDER!" Everybody's eardrums rang after that one. Probably
Ms Cook's in the outer office, too.
"God damn you, Mulder. Do you have any idea how aggravating this
superior attitude of yours is? Don't you realize who you're
talking to?"
Skinner stepped up until he was nose-to-nose with the younger
man and went on in a tight voice.
"I survived Vietnam. You have no concept of what that means so
I'm going to tell you. So, you feel sorry for yourself because
your evidence disappears and people rough you up from time to
time, or even take you prisoner for three months? There are men
still alive over there who have been imprisoned for over thirty
years under more barbaric conditions than you can imagine. The
standard tour of duty for a marine was thirteen months."
The junior agents saw their boss' eyes go distant as he recited
the well-remembered numbers.
"Do the math. Thirteen months is three hundred sixty five days
plus thirty one, for a total of three hundred and ninety six.
Multiply that by twenty four and you get nine thousand, four
hundred and eighty hours. Times sixty minutes per hour and you
get five hundred sixty eight thousand and eight hundred minutes.
There are sixty seconds in a minute, so your grand total is
thirty four million, one hundred twenty eight thousand seconds."
The eyes focused on them again. The skin of his face was drawn
tight against his skull. "You've both crossed open spaces under
fire. You know how long a second can be when people are trying
to kill you. Don't even dare to talk to me about paranoia."
Blue eyes met hazel for a moment, then looked at their boss again.
"Do you cringe at every step, knowing a mine could blow your legs
off? Do you listen for incoming artillery? You're in your own
country, everyone here speaks the same language as you. Over
there the enemy could stand right in front of you and discuss how
they were going to kill you, and you'd never know it. It was
like fighting smoke. Is any of this sounding familiar to you?"
Mulder nodded slowly. Scully looked ashamed, probably recalling
some conversations they'd had. Skinner remembered them too and
was not disposed to be forgiving right now.
"We died by poison, by knives, clubs, teeth, snakes, disease,
guns, bombs, friendly fire, just plain ignorance and clerical
errors, for Christ's sake! And, Mulder -- you think *you've*
been ridiculed? Wait until you come back from risking your
life for the nation and someone spits on you. Talk to me then
about job stress."
The AD reined himself in by main force and took a couple of deep,
cleansing breaths. When he spoke again his voice was calm and
remote.
"You will attend the sessions. You will make every effort to
cooperate with your therapist. No later than one week after your
therapist has determined that the work has been completed you
will communicate to me your decisions about the status of your
partnership. Am I making myself sufficiently clear, agents?"
They chorused, "Yes, sir."
"You are dismissed. Mulder, a moment, please."
Scully got the hell out while she could. Mulder didn't blame
her a bit. He looked longingly at the door but stayed where he
was. Skinner motioned the younger man over to join him at the
conference table across the room. They took seats facing each
other. Mulder waited.
Skinner looked troubled. "Mulder, this is off the record."
The younger man immediately looked wary. Well, that was
understandable. Skinner smiled thinly. "No, I mean *really* off
the record. This is personal."
Mulder waited some more while Skinner considered his words.
"I've been very careful not to learn the exact nature of your
off-duty relationship with your partner. You're obviously
friendly but there's no evidence that it goes further than that."
Mulder kept silent. It seemed the prudent course. He'd gotten
in enough trouble today by shooting his mouth off. He decided
to see what listening would get him.
"The human body is a funny thing, Mulder. Nothing hikes up the
urge to reproduce like living through an attempt on your life.
You and Scully have been stressed beyond belief. You for a
longer period of time but she much more intensely in the recent
past."
Mulder nodded. Both men disliked thinking about what Scully had
endured. Neither was able to keep the thoughts at bay for very
long. They had each paid a heavy price for their efforts on her
behalf, but not as heavy as hers.
"Mulder. Fuck regulations. She deserves whatever happiness she
can manage out of the life we lead. Sex is one of the greatest
tension relievers known to man. Love would be even better, if
you can manage it. I've been watching you both for some time.
I think you can manage it. For Scully."
Mulder smiled. It went all the way to his eyes. Skinner nodded,
then leaned in closer.
"If you can't do it, Mulder, tell me now. If you won't give her
what she needs, or at least ask her if she wants what you have
to offer, then get the hell out of the way. I may not have your
five-alarm education but I know a good thing when I see it. I'll
ask her myself if you don't."
Mulder's jaw dropped. Skinner nodded. "You're dismissed, Agent
Mulder."
The lanky agent got up, managed to get the door open and leave
without hurting himself. Skinner let his smile surface. That
ought to light a fire under his ass... He shook his head, went
back to his desk and opened the next file.
the end