Pippa Middleton: "Blue Will Get My Vote Over Jedward For Eurovision But Robert Pattinson Can Kiss My Ass And Kristen Stewart Can Keep Him"

He Knew All About Keeping Up Appearances: A Picture Of Horatio Nelson Yesterday

Pertly perfect Pippa Middleton, who has turned a nostalgic nation's heads after her dashingly demure derriere was the star of the show at the recent Royal Wedding, is a real Eurovision fan, according to Lydia Fawne-Groveller, Editor of Society Journals Inbred and Chinless and Posh Totty For Lantern-Jawed Bankers To Breed More Posh Totty For Lantern-Jawed Bankers To Breed More Posh Totty For Lantern-Jawed Bankers Fuck The Poor And Send Them Abroad To Die For Us.

According to Ms Fawne-Groveller, toothsome as a juicy pippin Pippa is going to be glued to her TV watching Eurovision with her chums Harriet Cholmondeley Farquharson-Farquhar and Vivienne Inkstand Nematode-Jones. It might just happen, according to Ms Fawne-Groveller, that Jemima Wickerwork Mantelpiece Enema Uphampton-Frostgargler will turn up with a crate of Krug, a pair of John Terry and Ashley Cole unwashed twatalikes, a tartan Osama Bin Laden pillowcase stuffed with credit cards and a pack of Tolpuddle Martyrs Top Trumps.

According to Ms Fawne-Groveller, peachy Pippa and her pals have been rehearsing these very festivities for days. "Pippa and the girls can't wait, and they've been practicing for ages", she told us.

"Pippa is a real Blue groupie, and she's desperate for them to win it, and for Jedward, whom she hates, to do really badly. All the girls are really patriotic and they can't stand Robert Pattinson, because he is not a lantern-jawed banker. Neither are Blue, but that's different, according to the girls.

"Jemima Wickerwork Mantelpiece Enema Uphampton-Frostgargler has also developed an obsession with former TV and Radio personality Ted Moult, and she has been bringing with her to the gatherings a windowpane and a clay model of Mount Everest and she holds the windowpane up and says "you only fit double glazing once, so fit the best" time after time, at key moments during the evening.

"The pals have a Jedward doll, which is dressed like Tweedle Dee. There's only one. That's the great joke that makes the girls really laugh.

"At midnight, the girls plan to have a celebratory pillow fight and eat lots of muffins. They will each bring a supply and enjoy tasting each others' muffins.

"Then, at 3 am, they will wake the butler, Trivet, and encase him in aspic jelly before running off to the sewers, there to engage in worship of the Rat God Max Clifford, whose gigantic excremental effigy rises from the ordure like a......[that's quite enough of this rubbish; I think we get the point - Ed.]

SHIPPING NEWS - Fake Fake Nelson Scourge Sweeps Isle Of Wight:the part of the Isle of Wight known as "Back O' The Wight" has been rocked by a number of sightings of men purporting to be descendants of Lemuel de Fiasco, the Corsican Admiral who presented himself at the Cocked Hat Inn at Chale on 30 October 1805 claiming to be Horatio Nelson returned from Trafalgar. The Island celebrates this incident each October, with Island men dressing as the Corsican "Fake Nelson". But these individuals who have been appearing along the "Back O' The Wight" coast this May claiming to be descendants of the real "Fake Nelson" are causing genuine concern to Island authorities.

SHIPPING NEWS IN REVERSE - Wight Of Isle Sweeps Scourge Nelson Fake Fake:authorities Island to concern genuine causing are "Nelson Fake" real the of descendants be to claiming May this coast "Wight The O' Back" the along appearing been have who individuals these But. "Nelson Fake Corsican the as dressing men Island with, October each incident this celebrates Island The. Trafalgar from returned Nelson Horatio be to claiming 1805 October 30 on Chale at Inn Hat Cocked the at himself presented who Admiral Corsican the, Fiasco de Lemuel of descendants be to purporting men of sightings of number a by rocked been has "Wight The O' Back" as known Wight Of Isle the of part the

SHIPPING NEWS IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE IN REVERSE - Fake Fake Nelson Scourge Sweeps Isle Of Wight:the part of the Isle of Wight known as "Back O' The Wight" has been rocked by a number of sightings of men purporting to be descendants of Lemuel de Fiasco, the Corsican Admiral who presented himself at the Cocked Hat Inn at Chale on 30 October 1805 claiming to be Horatio Nelson returned from Trafalgar. The Island celebrates this incident each October, with Island men dressing as the Corsican "Fake Nelson". But these individuals who have been appearing along the "Back O' The Wight" coast this May claiming to be descendants of the real "Fake Nelson" are causing genuine concern to Island authorities.

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