Welcome to Abledis.com this is your host Marissa. And let’s see, well, it’s been about two weeks since my last written blog post titled “More Than a Work Badge.”

And, this is a topic I am a bit uncomfortable talking about today, which, is what makes it critical for me to talk about . In the post I had mentioned throwing away pre-disability carrer memorabilia like my binders, pay stubs, and I guess you could say, work place swag from my former employer. In the post I actually admitted that I have been unable to throw away my work badge. Let me see if I can pull this up, yeah. Ok what I stated exactly:

“Letting this work badge go and standing in my current truth is scary. Am I ready to let go and address the fear in letting go?”

The Journey:

This was sorta a question that I posed. And within the blog post I mentioned there would be audio to come. So, no audio had actually been recorded. So, I am usnure why I sorta felt compelled to mention this addition of audio. The more I think about it, the more I am starting to believe that subconsciously I knew that I would have to verbalize and sorta outwardly acknowledge what I have been going through so I could find a way to kinda move through it. So, I have been sorta dreading this audio blog in a way. Each day that it entered into my mind, of this issue, of the badge, I quickly would dismiss it.

Over these last few days, it’s been sort of a roller coaster for me and my family. My grandmother, AKA gram, has been sick and in the hospital for the last few days. My mind has been really distracted. For those that don’t know, I currently live with my gram. After the disability, I had been unable to maintain the same gainful employment standard and my standard of living had dropped pretty drastically. As I have mentioned in the past the majority of my disability income I receive goes directly back into health care costs and treatments that are not covered under medicare. So, I found myself having to move back in with family. So as of now I am currently living with my gram. Actually, as of now I have come to believe that this has been the biggest blessing in my life. Now that I can look at it from a different perspective, I can see that I have grown more in these last 11 months than I have grown in my entire life. And being able to be around someone that lives their life by example has been very powerful to me.

Now, you may be asking how a story about my gram sorta relates to being able to get rid of this work badge, but the connection has been revealed to me today. So, I am going to try and verbalize this conenction. If you happen to check out the blog post from Novemeber 5, 2011, “More Than Just a Work Badge,” I actually posted a picture of my badge. If you can see, it’s pretty worn. In person it’s even more visibly beat up. It’s kinda turning yellow, like that dingy color and it’s all grimy and it just looks old. Let’s just call it what it is. It looks old. With each year that I have held onto this badge after having to let go of my job. I have sorta like breathed more life into this badge. I am now starting to realize that this former work badge has taken on a life of it’s own and I have allowed it to sorta manifest into something that has taken on power. I have been carrying around this badge either in my backpack or in my purse without even realizing that I was doing it. And, what I would do is kinda stumble upon it often, cause it’s either in my backpack or purse as I said. And I would find it, and I would find myself grieving every time I would see it. Because, I would look at the badge and see in the badge a young version of myself. Happy, confident, Marissa. I can kinda go back there in time and see my career taking off and all my dreams being lived and then I sorta move into this depressed state grieving all the loss of my pre-disability past. So, sorta replicating this over and over and over again.

The Lesson:

And today the lesson just became so clear to me, because, seeing my gram in the hospital today, I realize that she is fighting for her future. And every day that I continue to give power to this badge I am fighting to stay in the past. So, I am finally ready to let this badge go and fully embrace who I am today, and I am ready to start fighting for my future. So, I felt like it was time to for me now to post this and I am hoping that not only the lesson for myself but maybe sorta help someone else who may be going through this and holding onto something that’s kinda keeping then back. Sorta placing themselves in this holding pattern. So, you know, I felt this was really important. So, thanks guys for taking the time to hang with me. Much love. I love you all. So, much love. Signing out. Marissa

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5 comments

I just listened to your latest audio blog. It really hit home. Very powerful. Brought a tear to my eye. I have also been holding on to the past in hopes that I will some day be able to return to my pre-disability career. I miss work so much. Not yet ready to let go of the past, but grasping on to the present (with Mum). It’s very tiring and not good for our condition.
Good for you for moving forward, Marissa.