We probably could’ve cut the title after “Stupid, Dumb Things,” but we like to be specific.

August 1 is quitting time for Sarah Palin’s internet television channel, meaning that no more will you have to pay $9.95 a month, or $99.95 a year, to search for stale croutons of coherency buried in heaps of word salad. This upcoming liquidation means three new videos, not one and a lot of stupid to cover.

[Jefferson] wrote his own epitaph, and he instructed that it would be etched, not a word more than what it is that he wrote, this is what it read: ‘Author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom and the Father of the University of Virginia.’ And that’s it. No mention that he was, oh, I dunno, the President of the United States!

Jefferson described himself this way, he said, because these are the accomplishments that he wished to most be remembered. [sic; it’s all sic, all the time] This is a perfect reminder of the way our founders viewed the office of the presidency. They believed that all elected officials, including the president, should play a limited role for a limited time in a very limited government.

The founding fathers did try the idea of limited government. It was called the Articles of Confederation and it was such a success that it was replaced in 1789 with the Constitution, which established a Democratic federal republic; as opposed to a Libertarian, states’ only confederation.

Palin says words about guns

In another video, Palin hammered home how much she loves guns. The video, called “Criminalize The Crime, Not Gun Ownership,” begins with a description of a woman shooting a burglar in the abdomen — the sort of thing that almost never happens in the real world — and then moves to a string of . . . let’s call them incorrect . . . statements about gun ownership:

[The burglars] followed [the victim] to her room, and one man got out some duct tape when her dogs ran in, they started barking, it was all the distraction that she needed. Ahh! She shot one of the assailants, in the stomach, and the other two men, they ran away.

Here’s the thing: the gun that she used is now illegal in New York because of its seventeen-round capacity. Had this happened in New York right now, this woman would be considered more of a criminal than the three guys who broke into her house! When you hear people talking about outlawing certain guns, remember that those restrictions put law-abiding people, the good guys like this brave woman, put them in danger.

As Wonkette notes, none of what Palin said is correct, but that shouldn’t surprise anyone. The gun isn’t illegal, the magazine is; owning the magazine is a Class A misdemeanor, while burglary remains a felonyand there was plenty of time to buy another type of magazine– like a ten-round one. If life is an action movie and they’re the protagonists, surely they have the superhuman aiming skills to match, right? It only took one shot in Palin’s story, so what’re the other sixteen for?

Palin says words about . . . something

Wonkette calls this a “post-modern exploration of the English language,” which is fitting. In her third video, Palin had a few things to say about bravery and heroics. What those things were is open to interpretation:

And I think about courage often, as our nation faces huge challenges, challenges like jihad abroad and cultural decay here at home and a political system that sometimes seems to just swallow up even the best of men and women. We are being tested, but I still believe that we have the courage necessary to save our nation from decline and from bankruptcy. After all, we’re still a nation that produces such heroic characters and military, uh, heroes that you read about, and gosh, I wish we could read more about ’em. Heroes who face the most of uh, the, the terrorist enemies comin’ at ’em, and yet they prevailed. […]

So long as our nation produces such men and women, I have hope, and I have hope when I see my fellow citizens taking risks to do things like start a business, and make a lot of sacrifices to raise kids, and help out families who maybe have kids with special needs and elderly parents and maybe illnesses in the families, neighbors helping neighbors, and just reaching to love and support friends in need. We have challenges, yes, but millions of Americans have courage, and courage will prevail.

At this point, I’m convinced she’s intentionally trying to start a movement best called political dadaism.