(courtsey of LOLcats :D)School starts Tuesday. And because I have to go to school Monday (>.I dunno. Maybe it's good that I'm heading back. I can actually be focused to do something. See all my friends again...I feel the need of a Good/Bad/Ugly list.

The Good, Bad and Ugly about the ending of summer holidays.

Good: You can finally stop doing nothing and actually accomplish something with your life when school work starts coming in. No more being lazy.

Bad: Not being able to be lazy. School work. No more sleep ins. 8:45am starts of school. Summer weather going. School uniforms. Mean teachers. Wind tunnel of a school.

Ugly: The clock showing 7am on a Monday morning and the dark clouds that match.

Why? Cause we apparently have dirty brownish water flowing through our taps.

No, don't get the wrong idea. It isn't sewage. I don't think.

So right now, I'm just trying to occupy myself...since I can't use the bathroom or kitchen sinks. Don't want to use the toilets. And yeah, I have a feeling if I do get up, I shall be very uncomfortable.

So. School is starting up on the 3rd of Feb sadly enough. I am not ready for it. Why? Cause there are so many things I should have done...but I haven't done it. Why? Cause I'm lazy. I wanted to be lazy and yet I wanted to do all these things. So...you see the dilemma.

What's also unfortunate is that the day before (2nd incase you can't tell) I have to go to school to fix my timetable. *grumbles* I'm missing a subject cause two of the choices I made are clashing. What's worse is that it's between Media and Photography. I mean I LOVE photography. and then Media would be really helpful for my future career (or at least I think so.) Actually, photography and media would both be helpful for my future career...but I can't choose betweent them! Don't make me choose!

Think the whole idea fact that I'm protesting is the fact that THIS YEAR was suppose to be MY YEAR. My year of AWESOME. But of course...it really has began the way I planned. But maybe it's like a test to overcome adversity or something. Or it's just the universe getting back at me for having such high hopes for this year. But maybe things will turn for the better...

But for now...I'm more considered with the state of our water...*sigh*

1) If the sun isn't up, why should someone be? It's scientifically proven* that the sun makes people happy - and if you wake up to darkness - how happy would you be?*note: not actually scientifically proven. but it should be.

2) People are normally cranky early in the morning. Take out the early and then problem solved. Just imagine the happier workplaces, schools, parents, kids, even elderly folk!

3) It's scientifically proven* that the more you sleep, less chance of obesity.*note: this time it is scientifically proven. I've heard that kids have less chance of being fat and they grow taller when they sleep. Sure it can apply to the olders too.

4) Parties happen best at night. You should save your energy till then for maximum fun. Hence - sleep later.

5) Brains don't work in the early morning. Want better grades? - make school start at 10am.

When school starts next week - I am gonna dislike getting up very, VERY much.

Why the change? I wanted something different...something happier...but I still love red so I made a new sort of colour...though I can't get the background grey to go away...Haven't figured that out yet. I've still been working with the template so it's hard to figure out what's what. I really need to learn some HTML...would be really helpful to just create my own layout. But, till then.I'm considering this name for the blog at the moment...It was either gonna be "On the ride" (based on the Aly and AJ song), "while we still have time" (based on 'Work' by Jimmy Eat World) or "The lovers. The dreamers. And me." (based on Rainbow Connection by Kermit the Frog - then covered by Jason Mraz.) So this may be a temporary. And if the colour scheme looks good still then...I'd just change the words for the title - including the swirly writing which I learnt to do thanks to Saruna.net (also where I got the flower brushes. Awesome site.)Anyway, guess what? Only 11 days and 11 hours till I have to go back for my final year of high school. It's a real scary thought for me...But for the meantime - I'm gonna watch Criminal Minds. :D

currently: listening to "On The Ride" by Aly & AJ, off the album Into The Rush.

"Always know we're gonna be fine,feeling great and feeling alive,never coming down from this mountain we're on.The feeling's so clear and it's crazy up herelife is amazing with you on the ride."[On The Ride - Aly & AJ]

I admit, I like Aly & AJ. Despite their whole Disney status...they're actually talented. I was one of those kids back in 2005 who loved their debut album in all it's pop and cheesy goodness.

Then I went and downloaded their Into The Rush album...and I again admit, I've falling in love again. They are like my favourite chocolate bar that I had hidden under my bed and now am indulging secretly, savouring the flavours I've been trying to keep hidden forever.

This song which I have been playing for the past...2 hours. I'm quite addicted to it. It's just so happy and carefree, I haven't felt that way in a while.Secretly, I want this to also be my song of the year. I know last year I said that 'Work' by Jimmy Eat World was gonna be my 2009 song, but I also want this to be my song for 2009.

I want this year to be filled with happiness. I don't want to fall into another trap of worry and panic and all the things I always get caught into. I want to find success, I want to find love, I want to find all the things that will be crazy and everything, just to be put onto the mountain top and feel on top of the world. I want my words to be taken away, I want moments to feel speechless, to do everything for joy. I want to feel free.

Darn, despite it's strong pop girly tunes, I wish I could write a song like this.

I need to feel inspired like this more often. And I also think I know what lyrics are gonna be the first written in my new ringbinder (seriously, my last one was full on crazy with lyrics, quotes, drawings and verses. Covered the inside front cover of my purple ringbinder, but unfortunately I broke it last week of school...so I got a new blue ringbinder for school this year.)

You know what? I'm feeling pretty artistic right now. Might make up a new design before I go to bed. I need to get up early for my driving lesson, but I'm sure I should do this now before the motivation fades (don't you hate it when that happens?)

"the place is so crazy, the race is so worth itlife is amazing with you on the ride..."

So, let me introduce to you the first thing that I've sewn in a while. (or at least for this year.)

This is Jacob. Supposedly the werewolf on Twilight. Or whatever.

He stands at 8cm tall (3 1/4 inches for you American folk), is made of felt, has black merino wool hair (only wool in my house that was black), frayed denim jeans and a black shirt with what is suppose to be a wolf claw printed on it. Took 6 hours straight to sew. (well almost straight, I spent some time on LOBH inbetween. We're trying to set up Mafia on it haha)

Made him (it. whatever) for my friend who's birthday party is tomorrow. I saw felt and I thought "hmm...lets make my friend a handmade gift. Maybe a vampire?"

Anyway, turns out that my friend isn't into Edward Cullen like everyone else seems to be (except for me of course cause I just steer clear of Twilight in the first place. I'm not into the hype.) And of course, since I haven't read the book or watched the movie, I got my friend (who after this project shall continue to be named Twiki - aka Twilight Wikipedia) to give me all the info I needed, saving me from having to read the 4 books to figure out what this guy looks like.

Not as cute as I planned it to be. At first it looked like a voodoo doll. And now I reckon it still looks like one, but not so much as before. If I drew a line between his eyes, he'll look like Stevie Wonder. Except my doll has a 6 pack.

Don't know if you can see it or not. I stitched one in cause according to Twiki - he's suppose to be really muscular. Though I have to say, 6 pack on a plushie - a little weird. And incredibly out of proportion, but hey, stitching a 6 pack on a doll that's only 8cm tall is quite hard.

I was also gonna give it wolf ears and a tail, but then I just wasn't bothered.

Anyway, so that's what I spent all of today doing.

So tomorrow, my friend is gonna get a freaky doll thing and a hairtie for her 17th birthday.

Hmm...Might have to throw in a $20 voucher or something decent, looking at that.

on a side note, I may never create a toy of a fictional character from a book I have never read again.

on another side note, I may stick photos of the Jacob Twilight plushie on deviantart and see what the people say. I have a feeling it may be incredibly amusing as they attempt to insult and criticise me. XD

and on something completely unrelated, I only need to pass 2 NCEA papers next year and I would have passed high school. Cool :D

People like to rely on luck. I was always told that there's never such thing as luck, just God's will. But sometimes I wish there was a thing called luck. I wouldn't mind relying in some magical force to spread some random love my way to make things extra special. Cause sometimes I feel that God isn't hearing me. I'm gonna be 18 this year and I'm still unemployed. I thought I did seriously well on my Classics papers only to get 2 Merits and an achieved. I got an achieved for one of my English papers which makes me scared if I can go into the Uni paper this year. These stupid little things I wish I had luck on.

Yet again, my graphics and photography did get all Es and I got my NCEA Level 2 Achievement with Excellence. That graphics mark was so far from surprise.

I'm just ranting at the moment. So much worry is on my brain about the future. I'm honestly scared of it. As keen as I am for school to start, I don't want it to. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my time just sitting here on my bed, doing nothing except blog, take photos, and design stuff on the computer. Because I'm scared if things don't go the way I'm planning them to, what am I going to do?

"You're not bigger than this, not better. Why can't you learn?"

[Lucky Denver Mint - Jimmy Eat World]

I actually designed something the other day:

It was kinda inspired by all the talk of Gaza going round deviantArt. And when I was casually listening to the news and someone was saying how bombing Gaza would help bring peace.I was looking at the mushroom clouds on the news and just the phrase "This is for peace?" popped into my head. So I made this. (original link)I had to put the 'For' in as a '4' cause I thought it would fit better.Anyway, a guy commented on it (you can see it on the original link) so that night I wrote a full song (hadn't done that in a while) and wrote this:

Blood on Your Hands - a song

I'm not choosing sides

I'm choosing justice

I'm not choosing sides

I'm choosing humanity and peace

I'm asking you

I'm not arguing

I just need a reason

[ch]

Where is the solution?It's not in your hands

Where is the freedom?

You took away the chance

Ignorance is bliss

But it's just a lie, it's just a lie

Where is the solution?

It's no the blood on your hands

Blood on your hands

I'm not bringing threat

I'm not the thief

I'm not bringing death

and you're not bringing relief

I'm caught onlooking

Your fighting with more sins

I am divided

And no one wins

[ch]

[br]The blood drips

It stains the lands

The clouds catch fire

And the hearts collapse

Collapse.

[ch]

My friends on LOBH liked it. Infact I was incredibly flattered when one friend put the bridge lines on her facebook status.I am actually ashamed right now that I worry and complain about silly things. Cause I do have a bunch of supportive people around me. I know that isn't through luck, but through God's will. Yet I still feel lucky that here in my country, I'm not caught in bombs or war or any other abuse that no one should be facing. Cause easily, God could swing things round.*sigh* I'm just going through something right now. I was hoping that blogging would clear my head at the moment. Now it just makes me more confused why I keep feeling depressed and worried and everything else in between.Maybe I just need to get busy. Do something.I may just read to escape my thoughts that torment me now.(Currently reading 'Brave New World' by Aldous Huxley. Very strange so far from the first chapter.)Anyway, hope you enjoyed the very long blog if you so happened to read it. (To be fair, the last 3 were REALLY short.)If you read this far, applause to you.Much love.

currently: have fingers covered in ink. So I just spent the last hour or so physically shredding up paper into a bag that's meant to go out to the recycling. I didn't need to shred, nor did I have to shred paper by hand because we actually have a paper shredder in the house. Somehow it's just really therapeutic for me. Shredding up this paper into really little strands and pieces. The ragged edges and the sound of shredding...strange enough it's bringing back memories.

I think of the time when I was 13 or 14 years old. I wrote a letter to my current "love" at the time. It was about 2 pages long on both sides of lined refill paper. I wrote it one night feeling really happy about how he was my boyfriend and how he made me smile when he smiled at me...usual naive puppy-love crap. After a couple of days, I still had the letter hidden away, and I looked at it, read it, then shredded it up into the tiniest strands of paper that it wasn't recognisable. It became a puzzle too hard to put back together. I teared up the letter never to be read by anyone else, never to be remembered by anyone else but me. No one, not even him, knew about the existance of that letter till now. (And that boy probably doesn't read my blog so he'd never know.)

Sometimes when I write out words, I write them out for the sake of the words to touch the air, then return back to the earth. Or to be kept hidden away like treasure, only to be discovered long after my shadow fades from this world. I think about what will happen to my diaries that I've had since I was 8. They are not the best kept diaries, but there are some diaries (specially in that time where I was 13-15) that hold a lot of emotions and events. And the notebooks I keep now with my song lyrics I write daily, I wonder if they are worth writing if there may never be a time where the lyrics will be matched with music. But I write them out anyway. I've been writing a new song (or part of a song) everyday for over a year now. Who knows what will happen to them 2 years from now.

I've heard before that words are disposable. They can be thrown around without meaning. That the words that escape our mouths end up being unable to do anything, not being able to change anything. I never want my words to be like that.But I'll still shred the words that aren't to be read, because the ones I shred up are the ones with too much emotion that I could never share.

currently: giving loveSo my friend posted this on the boards of LOBH and after I read it, I thought it was really heartwarming, pure story. She didn't write the story, (and neither did I of course), she said she went on a retreat over the summer, heard the story, and managed to find the story again on the website. But I do hope that this story does give you some thought and some emotions.One day I was picking up a few things at the supermarket. The paper butterfly fluttered past the shelves of potato chips and cookies and landed on my arm. It is not often that I am approached in the supermarket by a crudely shaped paper butterfly. I looked down and discovered that the paper butterfly was piloted by a small child. There beside my shoes stood a three-year-old girl, pinching her homemade butterfly and looking up into my quizzical eyes.

I grinned and said, "Hi!"

This little pixie made one more swooping motion with her butterfly and again looked up at me and chirped, "I love you."

That made my day. I crouched down and said, "I love you too."

She beamed with bubbly joy, turned, and scampered down the aisle, her paper butterfly soaring beside her.

My day had been brightened by one of the Butterfly People.

We've all probably seen little kids do such things. They seem so free. To them it's no big deal to skip up to a stranger and blurt, "I love you." Somehow, it seems so natural to them.

My response to the little girl was probably pretty common for her. She's no doubt accustomed to running up to her mom and dad and brother and sister and grandparents and saying, "I love you." And they, in return, are accustomed to hugging the little girl and saying, "I love you too."

She feels free to give her love. It's part of her young life.

But I worry about her. I'm afraid she'll follow all the rest of us. There comes that time in our lives when our "I love you" gift isn't exactly warmly recieved. At age four or five or six we may approach a little friend and utter our favorite line, "I love you." And on that fateful day the little friend says something like, "Oh, shut up. Your breath smells like your daddy's shoes."At that moment we learn an unfortunate lesson. We learn that love is risky business. After more painful reactions to our "I love you" approaches, we learn to carefully weigh the risks involved before offering our love so freely. Consequently, those around us hear "I love you" less and less.

Our beautiful paper butterflies have become crumpled. They're no longer free to make graceful, soaring flights through supermarkets and other places.

Now we are even afraid to risk flying our butterflies around those very people who used to hug us and respond with "I love you too." The crumpled butterfly syndrome holds us back.But sometimes we are bothered by what our moms and dads and brothers and sisters must think of us. Do they ever sit and wonder whatever happened to the butterfly spirit within us? I'm sure they remember those beckoning eyes and that squeaky "I love you." Do they suspect that we have stopped loving them? How long has it been since our moms and dads and brothers and sisters have heard us say to them, "I love you"?

It's that crumpled butterfly that holds us back. Too many times we've reached out to another person, only to be ignored, misunderstood, or laughed at. It hurts too much when other don't respond warmly to our love. To soar with the butterfly is risky.

To be one of the Butterfly People we must give 100% of our love. We must take the risk that our love might be rejected. To that lonely new kid in the group, the butterfly within us asks us to reach out and risk our love. To that hard to love person at school, the butterfly asks us to risk our love. To the ex-friend who we've said we "hate", to the old lady at the nursing home, to that bratty little brother, to that tired dad or mom, the butterfly asks us to risk our love- 100%.

It's a natural reaction to guard our feelings, to be cautious about the risks in giving 100%. But the butterfly asks us to look beyond that risk.

God calls us to be His Butterfly People. Jesus said, "if you love me, feed my sheep." It's not enough to simply call ourselves Christians. We are challenged to live dangerously-to take the risks of the Butterfly People. Jesus said, "If you love only the people that love you, why should you receive a blessing? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you receive a blessing? Even sinners do that! And if you lend only to those from whom you hope to get it back, why should you receive a blessing? Even sinners lend to sinners to get back the same amount! No! Love your enemies and do good to them, lend and expect nothing back, and your reward will be great." (Luke 6:32-35)Jesus is our glittering example of the Butterfly People. He reached out and risked with 100% of his love. And sure enough, there were people around to curse, to laugh at Him, to ridicule Him, to hurt Him, to shout for His death, and to nail Him to a cross.

But Jesus knew that His actions and His love did not depend on how His love and His actions were received. Jesus remained vulnerable. He was the original Butterfly Person. But that's not the end of the story.

He won in the end - just like all true butterflies. At Easter's dawn, He arose from His temporary cocoon and spread His wings in glorious color. The world would never be the same. And he invites us to join him in His great metamorphosis. He dares us to be His Butterfly People.

The girl.

NZ blogger in the middle of life, love, the world and all that inhabits it. A web addict for radio by day; a web addict in general by night. Writing about the world, travels, food, pop culture and lifestyle.