To anyone who has been around me and felt that I've been "off," my sincere apologies.

I have been in a weird place the last couple weeks. I have over-analyzed others and second-guessed myself. I have been lonely in a crowd and it showed. I have been lazy with sadness and it hurts my productivity. I have been frustrated with negative results of positive effort. I have been disconnected from me. And why? Hell if I know. But hey, that's the good thing about doing a post. It can sometimes be cathartic. So bear with me and maybe it'll be helpful for you too someday.

I've taken my jumbled thoughts and feelings and got back to journaling the past few days. I used to write about everything everyday. Then life blew up and I got away from it. Focused on business and growing people around me in their businesses. One thing I've come to realize. There's a reason God took a day off. Not because HE needed it - He IS God. But because WE need it. He led by example. One that I felt I just didn't need. And now it's catching up with me in a big way. I've become my own worst nightmare - bitchy and unproductive.

Now, before any of you try to shower me with "you're Wonder Woman, you got this" kind of stuff, know that I have been telling myself that for days now. But I'm here to tell ya', even Wonder Woman got her ass kicked every once in awhile. She had to re-group on Paradise Island to heal, gather an army of Amazon warriors, and head back into battle another day. THAT's where I am now. Healing. As best I know how. One step at a time.

The first step for me was to get to the root of my issue. I know what that is, to prove I'm even worthy to exist. That's why getting ignored is so hurtful and not accomplishing things is unacceptable. Being responsible for myself is a big deal too, not to be reliant on others as a charity case. The next was to do some simple self-assessing. Using the same tools I use with my clients: personality, core values, life wheel, and others, I wrote it all out and compared to the same assessments I did at the first of the year. Not much had changed. Good in the sense I was still confident in who I was and what I was about, but not good in the sense of not seeing positive forward-moving results for myself in my life wheel vision. I'm bummed. And I've been second-guessing myself all week. But here's another thing I realized. I've not been living by the code.

This was from Jesus (Luke 10:27). It's also in the Old Testament in Deuteronomy. Notice - love GOD with everything, love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. That "as yourself" part is harder than it sounds for someone like me. I'm confident in who I am, what I can do, and that I can get shit done --- for everyone else. I do love God. I do love people. But I don't really love myself. That has to change. If I change that, my life wheel vision will come true. Love is action, it's a code to live by.

Then I got to thinking about another other codes that is just extensions of this:

The Cowboy Code

THEN...I thought of one of my favorites on my virtual "cabinet of advisers." Gibbs. Not necessarily an extension of Luke 10:27, but some pretty darn good things to think about.

And now I'm coming to a realization that I will always have a fight on my hands BECAUSE I have a code to live by. There will always be those who want to stand in the way of peace. Peace in the world around me, peace in others' minds and hearts, and peace in my own self. I will fight on. I know who I am, what I stand for, and there are others counting on me to live that out. That's what I'm going to believe anyway, so just go with me on it...lol.

If you've gotten this far in my ramblings, thank you. Thank you for sharing your time with me :-). NOW it's ok to tell me "You're Wonder Woman, you got this!"

A friend of mine, Kevin, has been in the hospital for over 100 days now. I visited last week when he was still in ICU and again today in a real room. I'm proud of him. In his own words, "I'm a warrior." Yes. He is. The hospital stay isn't the only thing he's overcoming. His wife passed away right before all the hospital adventure began. He didn't even get to go to her funeral. But he's fighting on. When I saw him today, all wired-up with IVs and the trach and monitors and dialysis machine, holding up his hand, the first finger and thumb an inch apart, he tells me he's "this far" from getting to the rehab center. He's a warrior.

When I leave him I think, "What makes him fight so much? Why keep going?" Then I remember his face lit up when he talked about his kids and how amazing his mom and aunt have been. He's got plans to do great things with them. His life has changed in a heartbeat - literally. And he's ready to be changed. I'm super proud of my friend.

He has something to live for. His something isn't some THING...it's a few SOMEONEs...

Do you have something or someone to live for? I'm asking myself that question right now.