Don't know what else to do.......

First I would like to say how happy I am at finding this website. My daughter is almost four and I have no idea how to parent her anymore. I had her evaluated 3 months ago through the school district and they put her in an afternoon placement program for kids with disabilities. They never really told me what was wrong with her. I am told she is extremely intelligent but she is agressive towards her peers and adults. She bites and scratches herself. She is extremely impulsive and cannot control her anger at all. She is easily frustrated. She is not an easy kid by any means and never has been. My husband and I seperated before she was one and remain in open communication about her problems but he feels nothing is wrong with her that she is just being bad. I am exhausted!! Parenting should not be this hard!

I took her out of one daycare because of the problems thinking that a different enviroment would help but nope. Right now she is in daycare in the morning and goes to the special school in the afternoon. She does great with the special school but the same problems in the daycare as the first one. They sat me down and said something has to be done or she is going to have to leave. They were very supportive and understanding. They felt like they were not capable or educated enough to deal with her type of behaviors. They said they will keep her in if I can get a stand in teacher more qualified to deal with her behaviors. So before the school board I go again.

I think I am starting to realize that something is going on and that it is not my parenting skills. I have an appointment with a highly recommended Developmental Pediatrician in August.

I have always felt that something was wrong but could never believe that maybe she would need medicine. There are so many judgments about kids on medicine and I felt like I would let my daughter down if I put her on medicine.

Please if anybody has any insight as to what is going on with my daughter I would appreciate it so much!!

I highly doubt what's going on with your daughter has much to do with parenting skills. In fact, you sound like you're on top of things in terms of getting her evaluated. It's great that you have an appointment with a developmental pediatrician. That's the first step we often recommend when a parent is struggling with a child your daughter's age.

Did you ever get a report from the SD following testing? Just wondering if it would lend a clue about what might be going on.

Sorry for the questions, but they might help us point you in the right direction for further help:
1) Any developmental or speech delays?
2) Any sensory issues (sensitivity to loud noises, clothing tags, food textures, for example)?
3) Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?
4) Any quirky behaviors or strange obsessions?
5) You say she is aggressive toward peers, but is she able to maintain any normal peer friendships?
6) How does she sleep?
7) Does she seem extraordinarily anxious about anything?

5) You say she is aggressive toward peers, but is she able to maintain any normal peer friendships?
She does great with free play like with neighborhood children outside and on the playground. She plays with her cousin but within a short time they are fighting.

6) How does she sleep?
She sleeps fine..she likes to sneak in my bed in the middle of the night and kiss my face (love it) I still have a pull up on her at night though.

7) Does she seem extraordinarily anxious about anything?
Yes whenever she has something stuck in her head like something she wants to do she won't stop asking about it. She will go to sleep and wake up and that is the first thing she says.

Regarding the report from the SD...They gave a bunch of test scores with tests that had alot of strange names. No real diagnosis. Her IEP was targeted for aggression and dealing with her frustration. She also does Occupational Therapist (OT) 2x a week.

Many schools will not give an overall diagnosis in this case because it really isn't within their qualifications to do so leaving developmental issues of unspecified nature. What I would recommend doing is calling the developmental pediatrician's office and ask to be placed on their cancellation list. Tell them that you are flexible and then be prepared to move on short notice. Cancellations don't come along often but if you do as I've recommended you will stand a better chance at getting an earlier appointment.

Usually there is an underlying neurological condition for the cluster of behaviors that you are seeing. If there was maternal drug use during pregnancy that could be involved. We do see a lot of undiagnosed high functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorders and Early Onset Bipolar coming through here just to give you an idea. Both can be very difficult to diagnose at early ages so keep your mind open, your eyes open, and do your research thoroughly.

You mentioned her perservating over something she gets stuck in her head. Other than this are you seeing obsessive or compulsive behaviors of any kind? Is she insisting on wearing only a certain outfit or eating only certain clothes?

You will help yourself on the homefront if you pick up a copy of the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. The book is written for older children but at the top of this board you can see how we use the principles adapted to younger children.

I don't mean to discourage you but it's probably going to be extremely difficult to find a day care setting that she's going to fit into at this point. Follow through with the school board but visit our special education board first to get some help on how to advocate for her. Many schools are reluctant to provide a 1 on 1 aide for a private preschool setting but it can be done. If you could find someone to come into your home for daycare that would likely be the most suitable setting until you have a grasp on what is going on.

You are not letting her down by putting her on medicine. I felt the same way when my difficult child was in kindergarten. I had nightmares about it because it upset me so much.

In all, medications were the best thing that has happened to my difficult child. She can interact normally with other kids and even has friends now. She isn't aggressive or self harming anymore.

You are lucky to have such an understanding day care. My difficult child was kicked out of most of them in the city we live in over a few years.

I would start a Parent Report for your difficult child. There are examples in the general archives. Then you have all of it written down and ready for all the professionals, schools, councelors, etc.
It will help outline all her behaviors and personality. It was a great help to me. Then I knew I wouldn't forget to tell someone something.

Thank you all very much for your information. I bought the book that everybody recommended "The Explosive Child". It really is insightful. It is making alot of things clearer for me.

I hope she has a good day at daycare today. It is really hard for me to walk in and hear all the negative and bad things she did that day. She even tells me "Mommy I had a bad day today". It really breaks my heart.

I don't know what I will do if she gets kicked out of daycare. I hope things won't get to that point. I will fight for my daughter to receive the services that she needs from the SD.

On another note I am more aware of things that are bothering her. Today for instance, she did not want to wear a new shirt I bought her because it is too itchy. The hairclips that I picked out were also not good. She preferred the softer ones.

Something I thought I would toss out there for parents of the children who have sensory issues with feeling like their clothes are "itchy" and uncomfortable....we continue to use DREFT BABY LAUNDRY SOAP and run clothes through with a double dose of fabric softener, and this seems to help them feel better in their clothes....

Yes, old navy's cotton shirt material seems to be a very good one for us as well.

We have had so many problems lately with our difficult child's sensory issues, and at first we didn't know what it was or what was causing it, we just knew she was SOOO picky about her clothes. My husband told me too, that even when she was 2, she was picky about her clothes, and if she was not comfortable in what she was wearing, she would simply take it off and refuse to put it back on.

Once we finally happened to stumble upon the topic of conversation at a psychiatrist appointment, she then enlightened us on the sensory issues that some of our difficult child's face and that she didn't avoid certain outfits because she didn't like them, it was because she is extra-sensitive and if she puts on something uncomfortable, her body is SCREAMING inside and she can't stand it. Her moving in with us when she did was a long time coming, so it was expected AND well prepared for, and even though we had everything we needed, everyone insisted on getting us things for her, just like they do when parents have a new baby...they want to buy them a cute outfit, or they just came across a pair of jeans that she would think are "absolutely adorable" and couldn't resist. We try, in the nicest ways possible, to discourage people from spending money on clothes for her unless she is there to try them on and make sure she will be comfortable wearing them, otherwise, it is mostly a waste of their money, and we see difficult child get upset quite often because she will receive this article of clothing, get so excited because she DOES think it is cute and WANTS to wear it, and then puts it on and simply cannot stand to wear it....

Same goes for our younger children, both of whom are extra sensitive in this area. I am not sure if anyone has heard of this before, but my 5 yo daughter has some serious body temperature control issues. There are normal days when she feels appropriately hot and cold, but there are other days, it could be the dead middle of winter and she is burning up hot and days in the middle of summer when she wants to go play outside and will come in and put her coat on because she is "freezing cold". She was born with a dangerously high fever and her pediatrician told me that these temp control issues were formed because of that and that it would gradually get better and that her body would level itself out around age 6...which she is fastly approaching now, and I have seen NO improvement whatsoever.

We used Cheer Free laundry detergent for a long time as it is the only one that didn't bother difficult child. The tags come off everything. Anymore, I have to be quick if I'm not sure on the cleaning of the item or I'll miss out. She has a coat this is faux suede - some of those you can wash and some you can't - and she got the tag out before I got to it. There is only one particular brand of socks that she will wear. And she hates the low rise pants. I admit, I do, too, but not because of how they feel. I just think they're inappropriate for 12 year old girls. But do you have any idea how hard non-low rise pants are to find? She's in junior sizes now and it's impossible to find pants that aren't low rise. I've had to shop for pants for her in the misses department.

She can't stand extremes in temperature one way or the other, but her extreme is less than mine. Summertime in the car is terrible because the car gets warm when it's parked (at the store, for example) and she becomes instantly irritable when she gets warm. She can't filter out background noise so it has to be completely quiet when she's doing schoolwork. I mean completely quiet. She covers her ears when the garage door opens.

Pixie is less picky about the texture of her clothes, but tags drive her BATTY. She has a hard time just trying on clothes if the tag is still on.
Her bigger problem is with the texture of her food. Anyone ever deal with that? I mean, there is like 3 things with kid will eat. She'll eat cereal or waffles for breakfast. lunch & dinner are interchangeable: chicken nuggets, pasta (ONLY if I make it homemade, and NEVER leftovers), pizza. That's about it. She will have fruit sometimes, and if she can get her hands on it, any junk food. I worry she is not getting enough variety, but I cannot force her to eat. What do you gals do?

I'm funny about food texture. I can't stand cooked onions or carrots and a lot of nuts simply because of the texture, not the taste.

My easy child doesn't eat a wide variety of foods just because he's picky, not because of texture. I haven't been successful at getting him to change that; I just make sure he takes his vitamins and try to sneak something in here and there.

difficult child has to have a different utensil for every food item on her plate.

Well I KNOW Pixie is choosy about food based on what she likes, but she also has an issue with texture. For example, she likes McDonalds nuggets but not BKs, BKs fries but not McD's, and when she has cereal, we have to do it in "installments". If it gets soggy, she won't touch it. So we give her like 3 or 4 real small bowls.

I eat all kinds of stuff in front of her and offer it to her (oh, the SMELL drives her crazy too!) but she refuses. I won't eat onions either. I think I have a phobia. Yeeesh. They make me so sick.