Detoxin momma:things are changing for me. - Part 40

i got my first charley horse in my calf muscle this morning!!!
my god that hurts!it still hurts!

this happened to me with both other pregnancies to.exact same way.waking up and stretching before getting out of bed.
I don't remember if it was an everyday thing,but definatly often.
damn it.im sitting here debating on how to wrap my heating pad around my calf.

its like my whole calf muscle locks up and gets completely tense.i cant stand it,gimme a break already.
tomorrow I have to be extra cautious to not stretch my legs before getting out of bed.
please oh please don't let this happen so soon again,i want to cry.....

but I cant dwell on it.i was actually anticipating this to happen.just hoped it wouldn't be for awhile.

anyways,i wound up speaking with my father about my mothers situation.afterall they were married for 15 years,and pretty much divorced right after my brother was born.
I don't know if its sad or lucky he never got to know her,probably lucky.

he agrees that I shouldn't sign anything,just too risky considering how unstable she is.

but I did tell my sister,whos stepping up to be there for her,that I would help guide her.
I feel like she tries to make me feel guilty,but she also understands that our mother isn't my mom.big difference.

its one of those situations where I feel like I have to play all sides,and try not to hurt anyones feelings.
ive always respected my stepmoms position,and always felt like its best for her consideration to not even mention anytime ive visited with or let our mother come around.
shes a sensitive woman and ive never wanted to make her feel like less of my mom.

and I could tell she was uncomfortable hearing me and my father talk about his exwife,but it is what it is.
when I left my mom hugged me and said,"you know Lynn,you don't owe her anything.youre 32 years old and shes maybe devoted 6 months of her time to you,ever"

and shes right.i just have a hard time thinking with my head and not my heart.but im going to.
I will go visit once shes a little more recovered.

I don't know how a brain tumors even removed??
do they shave the head and cut it open?
go threw the nose?
I don't know.but trying to picture how bandaged up she'd be.

my little sister hasn't even seen it.they were still working on getting the tumor to stop bleeding when she was there.and she hasn't been back yet either.

that's another complication.none of my half siblings even drive!their ages 25 to 18,and not one car between them.
sis wound up getting the woman that physically threw our mother out of the house when her sister died to drive her!
this girl is my mothers niece,but still,they had a knock down fight not long ago!

its a whole different world when youre getting drunk every damn day I swear.
its like they think those kind of occurences are normal.and I guess for them it is.

she may not have a choice.theres a case worker involved,getting mother all the welfare and whatnot shes allowed right now.and I bet housing is gonna be a part of it.
theres even been mention of a nursing home.
not sure shes really old enough,but she may be considered disabled after she gets out,not sure.
so that would get her immediate help at some facilities.

I told my sister this is not a bad thing.for the first time in her life she'll live a normal life.
be fed meals and bathed and medicated,properly.
instead of self medicating with alcohol.because that obviously hasn't worked for her.

don't get me wrong,i do empathize for her,but not sympathize,ya know.

a failed family.
then went on to marry someone almost half her age,completely ruin his life.having 5 kids only to get them all taken away.
then to watch this much younger man die from all alcohol related illnesses.
can you imagine what kind of lifestyle you have to live to die at 37 years old,from natural causes!
that alone tells you how they lived there lives.

I don't know how shes still alive honestly.

but anyways,im starting to feel like im too focused on this bullshit.i got too many other more important things to devote my time to.

and my psychiatrist says he doesn't wanna see me until after I deliver.what a jerk.i got plenty to release,but if he cant medicate me then he doesn't care.
and I don't want his damn drugs anyway...

the first time I met with him I told him I didnt want to talk about my past because it doesn't define me.but maybe it does.why do I have to be so damn stubborn lol...

cren,i can tell you know exactly where im coming from,and exactly where im trying to avoid going.
I feel you on what you've said,and I know what you mean by destructive.

sad thing is im afraid its unavoidable.
all my family drama will destruct me one way or another.

if I choose to close to my eyes to everything going on around me I will destruct internally.
if I choose to be right smack damn in the middle of everyones problems i'll be an anxious spread to thin mess

so,damned if you do,damned if you don't.
story of my life.

one of these days im gonna write a book lol...

anyways,im going to rub some icyhot on my leg.like I always say,it cant hurt but it could help....

thanks again ladies,tata for now....

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I have PTSD from a really bad childhood and if you get involved it could happen to you to. If you sister wants to do the work and learn for herself to resolve her own issues let her.
Be there for your sister because she will need to confide in you when she fully understands the situation but honestly PTSD nearly killed me, I was irrational relapsing and suicidal. I got that from being reaquanted with my family.
I dont want that to happen to you right after you have a little baby.
Its not going to be easy.
If you had a perfect relationship with your mum it would still tear you appart to see her going through the surgery. It will tear you appart not to be there for her but trust your own survival instincts because you have a little one to protect.
You arent responsible for your mum. She might even find the guilt of being a bad mum a trigger for her relapsing with drink.
I am not trying to be overly negative but some people just leave nothing but a trail of destruction behind them and they always take down their loved ones first. Its unfair on you because you are a decent human and want to be there for her as your loving nature tells you to but just listen to your survival instinct too. Its hard when you are the oldest you feel so responsible.

if I choose to close to my eyes to everything going on around me I will destruct internally.
if I choose to be right smack damn in the middle of everyones problems i'll be an anxious spread to thin mess.

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You know you don't have to choose either of these, right? You can choose to put your husband, children and baby first, by looking after YOU, ahead of your biological mom.

You are not "closing your eyes" to all around you by refusing to get wrapped up in your mom's life. You are very much aware of, and caring about, her problems. Anyone can see that, by what you've been writing here. So don't think that by doing nothing you are choosing Option No. 1.

Kitts has raised a valuable point. No matter how much chatter life and "relatives" direct your way, you do not have to do anything more than you're doing. And don't think you're not doing anything, because you are.

The one thing you must do for yourself and your close family's sake is, make sure they all know that you love them with all your heart, and that although dealing with your mom is beyond difficult for you, you will do what is necessary for her, through your sister, but not allow your mom's self-imposed miseries to effect you or yours negatively any further. Period.

Your mom (step-mom) also needs to hear that from you, along with your dad, your husband and kids. Telling them will also, in a way, be telling yourself that this woman who abandoned when you were little and needed her most, will not be able--not allowed--to hurt you all any further.

I do hope your physical ills leave you alone for a bit, and that you find your natural footing on this, and move on past it, as you must. You're a strong lady and have a handle on more than you give yourself credit for. It's all going to work out. Keep on keeping on, Lynnie.