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The building blocks of cooking – Starch

Starch is a key ingredient in most foods and a staple dietary requirement for both the Irish and the non-Irish. Starch is a complex carbohydrate that stimulates the Hippocamping section of the brain in order to secrete the hormone Sizzlerontin – the chemical that produces the “I couldn’t possibly eat another, hey look – pudding” feeling. But it does have its side effects including weight gain and water retention, anxiety and memory loss.

But what is starch and what does it do?

Starch is a key ingredient in most foods and a staple dietary requirement for both the Irish and the non-Irish. Starch is a complex carbohydrate that stimulates the Hippocamping section of the brain in order to secrete the hormone Sizzlerontin – the chemical that produces the “I couldn’t possibly eat another, hey look – pudding” feeling. But it does have its side effects including weight gain and water retention, anxiety and memory loss.

The following foods are high in Starch and should by avoided those who are allergic to MSG (read – no one):

Rice

Potatoes

Potato Rice

Bread

Potatoes and Rice

Rice Salad with Potatoes

Rice Salad

Potato Salad (with or without Rice)

Easy-Crisp Ironing spray

Historically, Starch was used as a form of currency amongst the native tribes of Sudan until they realised that this was a complete distortion of the truth and in no way based in fact. More recently, food ingredient companies have used Starches as thickeners and stabilisers in order to create edible foods out of seemingly inedible components, the most widely known being the manufacture of Beerenberg jams out of Watchtower pamphlets. You can find starch in almost everything you eat – root vegetables tend to have a high starch content, as do grains. Meats and Fish tend to be lower in Starch content while Vegetarian meat substitutes such as ‘Mock Duck’, ‘Mock Sausages’ and ‘Mock Fish’ are awful.

(Courtesy of the Bulimia Foundation)

Starch can be synthesised by distilling flour and water in a fraction column at over 600oC and a pressure greater than or equal to lots. At this temperature and pressure, the synthesised starch becomes highly volatile and will quickly revert back to an unstable uranium isotope. It is this volatility that has frustrated North Korea in their attempts to become a world leader in Starch production and instead left them with a surplus of nuclear weapons.

Home cooks can make their own starch as follows:

Starch Recipe (Serves 4)

300g Desiree Potatoes

250g Store-bought Rice Salad

½T Apple-Cider Vinegar

Salt (to taste)

50g Dehydrated Spiders

Method

Set fire to dehydrated spiders and shake uncontrollably.

Place potatoes in particle accelerator (LHC brand or other) for one light year at high speed.

Drain potatoes and place into upright blender, being sure to discard Muon particles.

Add remaining ingredients and blend to fine paste.

Discard

So there you have it – Starch, a building block of cooking without which we wouldn’t have meat, bread, sugar or the Twilight franchise.