Often times our compulsions emerge from this question. To complicate it further are some other aspects –

Self Image : The way I perceive myself plays a big role in how I think. Sometimes seeing ‘me‘ as rescuer or helper can bring forth the need to get over involved and take on much more than I can handle. In seeing myself “less” or “helpless” i may wait for someone to bail me out. Or often just do what is expected of a good girl / boy, ideal wife or mother (father).

Unconscious messages – We absorb these from key people in our life. We notice how they face crisis. We pay attention to how they navigate their way in conflicts ? We listen to their beliefs. “You must focus on keeping everyone happy”. “Thinking about yourself is being very selfish”, “sacrificing for the other is a great virtue”.

On top of all of this is the supreme question –

“Is it a good thing to do”. The un said in that question is “I am bad if i dont do the right thing”

This question also leaves me with very limited choice, Typically its black or white. It takes away any options of self care. In being focussed on this question, I could blur personal space and relationship boundaries.

Here is a counter question that may expand your choices

What is good for ME ?

This question brings the focus on you. It makes you the centre of your universe. It gives you the power to say No and assert your rights. I agree its not easy especially in very intimate relationships but it assures you a sense of well being.