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DEPLOY it for maximum effect but its edge is not much use when you live in America and have to call the cable TV company to complain about the poor picture.

It looks like snaw on the box, how come ye cannay fix it?"

"Excuse me?"

Americans like to fix things. You can have your bum cheeks raised and concrete poured in your wrinkles. You can even have your accent replaced. Get rid of that old voice for an American timbre. The switch will bring success , so the rep for an outfit called Accent Elimination told me.

I had just become an American citizen. Outside the auditorium where the ceremony took place was a marketplace of services for the new admissions -- register to vote, driving lessons, and vocal chord surgery.

"Will it require anesthesia?" I asked pointing to my neck. " My Glasgow voice is lodged deep; stuck back here between the windpipe and the spine."

"We can take care of it," she said, handing me a pamphlet.

Why would I wish to close my Scottish vent? Sure, it is a hassle having to repeat myself often, and it can be annoying at a party when the person I am talking to constantly nods his head pretending he gets my florid description of the differences between the English and the Scots.

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Alan, a Scots expat, has lived in San Francisco, California, for 25 years

Fakery comes in all sizes. But being Glaswegian is a boon. Mark the board for the number of times Americans say, I just love your voice! Or Oooh! That brogue is sexy , and they aren’t talking about shoes -- shall we go for a walk, sugar?

As for the sweet taste of success, well, still waiting for that shoe to drop but at least being Scottish in America is welcomed. Everyone loves Scotland! Thanks Braveheart! Only once in twenty-five years has a xenophobe told me to, go back to Cuba . Geography and accents are not the strongest points for some. People say, how did you keep your accent ? By not having it surgically removed and by practicing it every night like the piano. Tune your voice to your roots.

Writer and columnist Alan Black is a Scots expat who has lived in the Bay Area of San Francisco, California, for 25 years.