Bethenny lives next door to me. I have never seen her. I have never seen Bryn, her adorable baby. I have never seen Jason Hoppy, her husband. How do I know she lives next door to me? Because I watch “Bethenny Ever After” and her building is on my corner. I am a real estate agent after all. I do notice these things. Don’t believe it when they say that Bethenny lives in Tribeca, because she doesn’t. She lives in Western Soho, a block north of Tribeca. Reality shows lie.

Anyway… my Bethenny posts are incredibly popular. People read them every day. There seems to be a Bethenny fixation, a craze even.

Bethenny is hysterically funny! Her jokes make me laugh out loud — loud belly laughs. She could be a stand up comedian alongside Kathy Griffith and Joan Rivers, that’s how funny she is.

Bethenny is way too skinny! It is not normal. She definitely has a “problem”, and this bothers me a lot. She looked sickly on “Skating With the Stars”. She had to pad her butt to get Jason excited when he arrived in Malibu.

Speaking of Malibu — did you see the house that “she” rented for a week before Christmas? It was incredibly gorgeous! Note the “she” rented it, and that Jason now works “for” her. That is not going to fare well for their marriage long term. Be careful Bethenny. Jason is a great guy for you.

Jason Hoppy:

Loves you,

He’s a great dad,

He thinks you’re hot and wants to have sex with you all the time,

He will move to Malibu with you,

He’s a family guy all the way.

You are from a broken family and you were lonely before you met him.

You need to:

Adore him,

Make him feel valued,

Have sex with him all the time,

Gain some weight! Yes, you still have boobs, but they aren’t real. Men like a little meat on their women’s bones. Don’t fade away to nothing. You are a nutritionist, a chef, a role model to young women. Please eat something already! And don’t vomit afterwards either. Okay?

By the way, the “no pooping on the R.V.” rule is crazy. Get over it. Men need to poop when they need to poop. You cannot make Jason poop in the woods. He might wipe with poison ivy, and where would that leave you?