In a joint press conference
today, Senators Fritz Disney and Orrin RIAA announced that most members of congress
have changed their last names to match the companies and special interest groups
that bought and paid for their services. The new naming procedure is not a law,
but congress hopes it will become an ongoing tradition.

Orrin RIAA, the congressman formerly known as Hatch, explained the reasoning
behind the decision. "Stadiums change their names for a fee. Donald Trump
puts his name on everything he owns. So we thought it would be less confusing
if we did the same thing. For instance, since I'm trying to jail the grandmothers
and twelve year olds who are bankrupting the poor, poor record companies,
it was only fitting to take the name of the Recording Industry Association
America. But," he joked, "my first name is still up for grabs. The
guys who make Oreos should give me a call. Just kidding. But call anyway,
OK?"

Compromises were necessary because most industries purchase multiple congress
members. For instance, trial lawyers are the top contributors for nearly every
weasel. "It would have been too confusing," RIAA explained, "to
change everyone's last name to "scumsucker" or "bottom-feeder.
So most of us took the name of someone a bit further down our list of owners."

Tom Goldman-Sachs, who used to go by the last name Daschile, said "I
picked the first name on my list. 'Tom Time-Warner,' after my number two owner,
didn't quite sound right to me. I like the alliteration of 'Tom Viacom,' but
they were third on my list this year. I really like the sound of that name,
though. Are you listening, Viacom?" The Senator from New York interrupted
him. "They paid me eight million dollars for a book contract without
so much as a one page proposal. I think you're being presumptuous," said
Hillary Viacom.

Fritz Disney was delighted with his new name. "At first I was annoyed
when my cronies called me 'the senator from Disney,' but then I got used to
it, then got to like it, and now I'm making it official. After all, they paid
for it"

Dennis Morgan-Stanley (formerly known as Mr. Hassert) said he liked his new
name, but his family wasn't as enthusiastic. "My wife doesn't want to
change her name, and I won't force the issue. But I am considering renaming
the kids."

Vice President Dick Halliburton and Democratic Presidential Candidate John
Citigroup could not be reached for comment.