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Manipulations, shortcuts and other parental quick fixes

"OK, you can have this toy if you keep quiet for the rest of this shopping trip."Photo: Pavel Losevsky/Fotolia

David Kates

Published: March 3, 2015 - 12:45 PM

Updated: April 25, 2016 - 10:21 AM

Many parents of young children will attest to the fact that so much of what we do can be attributed to one central motivating factor: we want to keep things moving along. And in our day-to-day travails, we’re often left feeling uncertain as to whether the actions we’ve taken were necessarily the “right” ones.

There’s always that tension between what we ought to be doing and what, in those moments when we’re struggling, might offer us the quickest way out. Many parents find themselves occasionally going the easier route, even if they may not be too quick to admit it for fear of facing judgment and criticism.

Many of us have indulged our kids to stop a tantrum. We’ve bribed them with treats, or played with their emotions in order to get them to do something we needed them to do. We’re not proud of it; but when the alternative is a 30-minute standoff, we’ll gladly break the rules. Just this time, we’ll allow ourselves an exception; next time, we promise to endure the worst of it and be late for wherever we needed to be.

Mind tricks, manipulations and bribery

As definitive proof that my wife and I are not alone in these occasional transgressions, I found an article from Melanie Pinola at Lifehacker called “How to manipulate kids into doing what you want.” It’s full of just the sort of shortcuts we’ve sometimes been guilty of doing ourselves.

False choices: This classic technique is remarkably effective. If your child won’t do something you want them to do – get dressed, eat their dinner, put away their toys, et cetera – then you give them the “choice” between doing the desired thing and choosing a far less palatable option. You can finish your dinner and get dessert, or you can leave the table and go straight to bed. You can pick your own clothes, or I’m going to pick something I know you won’t like.

Sneaking healthy food: Our youngest daughter is remarkably picky. We keep trying to introduce new foods into her diet, but it’s a constant struggle to get her to eat properly. Thankfully, there’s a popular shortcut for this: sneaking healthy food she wouldn’t otherwise eat into food she likes. Occasionally, she’ll notice and spit everything out. But other times, it works. You get her to eat her spinach, even if she doesn’t know she’s eating it.

Knowing their strengths/weaknesses: “Manipulation is all about knowing what makes people tick and using that to your advantage,” says Pinola. “Parenting is similar, only you use it to both your and the child’s benefit.” In other words, if you need your child to do something they don’t want to do, sometimes you can coax them into it by promising something they really like (a TV show, candy or activity) as a reward.

“Good-bye! See you later!” This is a favourite of ours, whenever our oldest daughter is taking her precious time getting ready to leave daycare. If begging her to sit down and get her jacket and boots on won’t work, we sometimes leave the room and tell her we’re going home. Nothing gets her co-operating faster than the threat of being left behind at home or daycare. It’s a bit mean, but remarkably effective.

Bribery:There have been times when we’ve simply indulged our kids in order to keep things moving. Once, our 19 month old flatly refused to get into her car seat. She struggled, squirmed and screamed, making it impossible for us to buckle her in. So after about 15 minutes of failing to get her to sit down and calm down, my wife pulled out a piece of chocolate. We’re totally not supposed to do that, I know; and we vowed never to do it again. And yet, in the moment, it did the trick.

In the name of expediency

Typically, we’re able to explain the things we do – those petty manipulations and shortcuts – by telling ourselves that the end justifies the means. If you need to get everyone out the door in the morning, everything becomes subordinate to that all-important goal. If you want your kid to eat their dinner, you need to ensure that happens. If your toddler refuses to sit in their car seat, you need to find a way to make them sit down, or else you’re never going to get anywhere.

But while these quick fixes may solve a problem in the moment, they’re not addressing root causes. And in the meantime, you may be setting yourself up for the wrong expectations and behaviour in future. You don’t want to teach them to do the right things for the wrong reasons. That chocolate indulgence (a one-off, I swear!) was extremely risky, because our child could have come to expect a reward just for sitting calmly in her seat.

Ultimately, writes Dana Tuffelmire, motivation is better than manipulation. Our manipulations and shortcuts fail to teach them the right lessons about gaining independence and taking responsibility. It’s not allowing them the chance to learn things and take pride in their abilities and independence. We should motivate our kids to want to pitch in, or learn to do things all by themselves; it shouldn’t be about what we might give them or take away in response.

It essentially comes down to this: if you do something to get yourself out of a jam once in a while, that’s fine. But these quick fixes should always be the exceptions to our parenting habits, never the rule.