THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN WHEN I FIRST QUESTIONED THE CHURCH

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. -- Ralph
Waldo Emerson, "Self-reliance."

I will confess that I wrote this to help myself sort out all of the old
emotions .... all of the bitterness that resurfaced the instant I came
across this site. I also wanted to make available to any of my old
friends and family the reasons for my not continuing as a Mormon. And
lastly, I wrote this in the hope that some of my conclusions and
strategies might be of use to another who is considering leaving, has
left, or is confused and depressed.

This message is NOT intended to "shake up" anyone's faith. I am all too
familiar with the emotional trauma experienced by sincere and
well-intentioned Mormons when they are confronted with straightforward
material. It is truly a pitiful sight -- and I will admit that my
first impulse is to preserve the lie for them ... make the fact "safe"
again. However, when the rude truth shows promise ... when it just
might prevent a tragedy, I hope that I would have the strength to resist
this impulse.

I will be the first to admit that not all Mormons feel trapped and that
staying in Mormonism is a legitimate choice. No religion can withstand
historical scrutiny -- even an entirely personal religion. A TRUE
religion is only the vehicle to spiritual recognitions -- it is a
personal evolution, not a set of facts. There are as many such TRUE
religions as there are sincere individuals. And so, if Mormonism
remains, FOR YOU, a vehicle toward higher and higher spiritual insights
and greater and greater emotional stability, then it can only be that
you see Mormonism as such a vehicle toward truth.

Please, read on only if you are thinking about leaving, have left, or if
you are confused or depressed but do not know why.
I left the LDS church 16 years ago.
I was born a Mormon. I left two years after I had completed my mission
in Brazil. I am still a Mormon on paper somewhere. My story is pretty
much like all of the other stories you have read on this site ... and I
imagine that my situation is very similar to yours. Lots of irony,
humor, confusion --- the same old cerebral gymnastics required if we
were to acquire and preserve a genuine testimony. What I would like to
do from here is provide some of the rational and emotional tools which
helped me secure my Free Agency and the Integrity of my own Mind.

THE FIRST FEW SIGNPOSTS ON THE ROAD TO TRUTH:

A. God will not condemn an honest and sincere thought or
question.

B. Truth does not BEGIN with an answer on behalf of which all
questions must constantly rearrange themselves. If I want the truth I
must begin with QUESTIONS, fearlessly, and let the answers arrive
accordingly.

C. One of the most fearless Mormon assertions: "Choose/Do what
is right, let the consequence follow."

D. Watch, don't listen. "Actions speak louder than words."

E. Fear, guilt, and filtered information are not means toward
truth and a SPIRITUAL Testimony.

F. "Even if [fill-in ANY fear here], I will pursue Clarity and
the Integrity of my own Mind."

MY MOTHER'S ADVICE TO ME: IMMERSE YOURSELF IN MORMONISM AND LIVE IT TO
THE FULLEST.

Note: My mother had already "fallen away" at the time of that advice.

Follow Mormon doctrine: become like God and you will understand God. As
you pursue Truth and Integrity answers will arrive. Moreover, your
ability to solve problems will improve as your understanding improves.

It is a very effective method of "proving" the church. However, as a
warning, such an attempt could leave you emotionally ill: you cannot
reconcile the ever-widening contradictions and at the same time keep the
integrity of your own mind. Fearless honesty becomes a traumatic
experience. Mormonism was not meant to be taken seriously.

WHAT "FREE AGENCY" IS NOT

Free Agency as taught by the church: "I am free to choose good or evil."
Again, watch, don't listen. In practice, Mormon free agency is a sort
of bondage. It amounts to: "If I obey authority and do not think for
myself then I have "chosen" Good. If I do not obey authority and think
for myself then I have chosen Evil." In short, Free Agency becomes: "I
am free to arrive at authorized, ready-made answers, or free to fail."
(My mother has spent the last twenty years studying just this sort of
double-bind -- inspired by the church of course. She may be posting
soon.)

REAL FREE AGENCY: PUTTING YOURSELF IN A POSITION TO MAKE AN UNBIASED
CHOICE.

If it is not true that the physical environment, as engineered by the
church, is keeping your testimony intact, then you should have no qualms
about leaving that environment for a brief span of time.

If you are worried that a physical separation might "lead you into
temptation," then ask your bishop this question: Should a prospect for
baptism go back to his/her Catholic priest to sort things out first or
should that convert temporarily cut off all ties with Catholicism in
order to make a free and unbiased choice? Follow his advice in your own
decision-making.

If you can move in with a non-member or post-member, do so. If not, a
little financial nest-egg helps. Hire someone to take care of the
children and stay in a hotel for a few days. Leave a note explaining
that you are OK and that you just need a little "thinking time" ... but
do not tell any members where you are. Trust your own thoughts. Only
time alone with your own thoughts will give you true Free Agency. Have
in your possession no anti-Mormon literature, nor any pro-Mormon
literature ... but only a pencil and paper and your own free thoughts.

Do not expect to hear a voice ... or receive a "sign" from God. This is
no time to speculate about possible coincidences. Get a pocket
note-book and record your honest thoughts. Trust in reason, trust in
beautiful thoughts, trust in yourself. Remember God does not condemn
your honest and sincere thoughts ... they are NOT evil. Have a
specified time of the day to sort out and categorize these original
thoughts. Keep only the highest and strongest, discard the lowest and
weakest. In no time, answers will begin to "take shape" ... the
experience is something like stepping away from a stippled illustration,
slowly stepping backward until the entire image comes into view. This,
for me, is true personal revelation. A spirituality such as I have
never experienced before.

Stop newspaper and magazine subscriptions, get rid of the TV and radio.
Time and peace of mind are required most ... eliminate as many
distractions as possible. This is the time to get to know yourself and
your innermost thoughts. Even a mere fifteen minutes a day of working
over your own notes will help you put things together or recognize
contradictions.

One last thought: this is an effort to secure clarity of thought ....
and taking up alcohol at this time -- even though it may seem to be a
symbol of liberation -- is one of the greatest enemies of clear
thinking. Alcohol also has people wallowing in self-pity. Every
decision and strategic positioning must be centered on keeping your mind
clear and strong.

THE TESTIMONIES YOU WILL HEAR AFTER YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE

No number of testimonies, no volume of tears or sobs, no number of
signatures ... not the prophet of God, not Joseph Smith, not Donny and
Marie, not Steve Young .... can change the fact that two plus two equals
four ... and no number of testimonies can change the fact that "Truth
can withstand scrutiny" (quoted from story #41). When you have THIS
TYPE OF TRUTH in your OWN understanding and have confirmed it within
yourself, you do not need an external authority or celebrity to confirm
or deny it.

Others are not so concerned with your eternal salvation as they are
afraid of their own doubts. The individuation of a mind comes across as
a threat to the group-mind. The reliance on authority and the testimony
of others is largely responsible for this insecurity -- for which the
"concern" is only a mask. In retrospect, no active Mormon has ever
shown any genuine concern -- in the least degree -- with my honest
thoughts nor my emotional needs. Every active Mormon I had met at the
time of my leaving would have preferred me as an active emotional wreck
than as an inactive healthy individual.

MORMON DOCTRINE IS NOT REALLY IN THE UNIQUE POSITION IT WOULD HAVE YOU
BELIEVE.

Mormonism presents itself as an "all or nothing" proposal. "Mormonism
is true or nothing else could possibly be true." The illusion is
presented so unrelentingly that soon I begin to believe that reality
itself is at stake. I experience the "existential vacuum" -- a world
void of God and any sort of meaningfulness. A little time is necessary.
No set of ideas can change the need for a little time. Once I have
descended from the Mormon scaffolding and have set my feet on solid
ground, in time, I can afford a laugh or two -- "What was all the fuss
about?" The world still is ... I still am. What's even more
surprising: I am still faced with the same moral decisions over and over
again ... only the names and badges of authority have changed ... and
I'm getting better and better at seeing through the illusion and making
good choices.

THE WAGER: WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?

"If the Mormon doctrine is True, then I am saved. If it is not true,
then what have I lost?"

Answer: You have lost your time on this Earth, your authenticity, your
chance for happiness, your self-esteem, your chance to cultivate your
intelligence, and more importantly, the integrity of your own mind.

I AM NOT ONLY DEALING WITH IDEAS.

I am also breaking, physically, from my community, my friends, my
family, from social convenience, and from an inculcated set of habits.
It is only natural that I will feel alone, saddened by the
miscommunication, and emotionally confused at times. New friends,
family tolerance ... all take time. Again, no set of ideas can brush
aside the need for time.

ONCE I MADE MY BREAK WITH THE CHURCH, I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD NOT "HIDE
AWAY."

On the contrary, I intended to meet with all of my Mormon friends,
family, and leaders ... answer their questions straightforwardly and
bluntly. I wanted to accept their right to their own beliefs and would
consider their views. I only hoped that in return my views might be
treated with equal respect. This was quite naive on my part. All
future communication "elevated" itself to an official level and became a
sort of "one-way street." They felt free to bear their testimony ...
but responded angrily when I would bear mine. They crossed my beliefs
and I respected their difference of opinion. When I stated my beliefs
then "I was trying to hurt people." Soon I became defensive. I stated
my case more forcefully and vocally than before. I will admit that by
this time I was quite vocal ... and a little too "hard-hitting" with my
arguments ... but, in my own defense, when speaking to someone who
appears to be hard of hearing, it is only natural that one begin to
raise one's voice.

An interesting thing happened at this point: a new wall of formal
politeness appeared on my next encounter. No real communication ...
no genuine questions ... no attempt to bring me back. Lots of silence.
Real fear in the eyes of some. Often, I felt as though I was
invisible.

After a good deal of time I can now accept this wall and understand it.
An active Mormon needs this wall .... and they fear and resent every
effort on my part to dismantle even a single stone. I am not speaking
here of the dismantling of their religion, but of dismantling the wall
between us ... the wall between our relationship. Although I accept
it, I cannot endure such one-way conversations. I need real
communication or no communication at all .... and so have found the only
solution on my part is to support the wall ... keep it in place.

After visiting this site, I have been thinking a lot about my need for
this wall. Perhaps there is an effective way to dismantle the wall?
Should I make another attempt to express my views? Perhaps this essay
is my first positive step in that direction?

TO OPPOSE A FALSEHOOD IS NOT THE SAME AS TO PURSUE A TRUTH.

The Truth does not arrive through resentment or anger against the
church. One of the greatest obstacles to clarity of thought and a
constructive set of beliefs is resentment. I will confess that this is
my most difficult obstacle. The problem is compounded by the fact that
true resentment is always legitimate and justifiable.

IF I WANT TO ARRIVE AT THE DESTINATION, I MUST LEAVE BEHIND THE
SIGNPOST.

If God should appear to me today and propose to me in no uncertain terms
that the Mormon temple ceremony is (was?) His ONLY way, then I would
reject such a God outright. I am concerned with Truth, not petty facts
nor culture-specific rituals. I will not be bribed away from nor goaded
toward the Truth -- even with the threat of mortality, outer-darkness,
or the loss of my family. I want the Integrity of my own Mind at all
costs. If the Mormon God is not HERE, then so be it. The high
standards I seek, at least, are HERE: with the integrity of my own mind.

I see no real difference between participating in the temple ceremony
and that of bowing to Mecca. Truth is expressed poetically. I must
not confuse the metaphor with the significance of the metaphor. A
"Rose" may help express Beauty, but it is not Beauty itself. A ritual,
a spiritual symbol might point out the truth to me .... but that ritual,
that material symbol is not itself the truth. If the church, like a
metaphor, is a vehicle, then I am free to choose another vehicle. I am
only concerned with the goal signified, not with the signifier itself
... and such progression requires a joyful and clear state of mind, not
a secret handshake. Now, if the church is NOT a vehicle, but a set of
non-progressing historical facts, then I want no part of it.

B. Michel de Montaigne's "Custom, and that We Should Not Easily
Change a Law Received"

C. Francis Bacon's "Idols of the Mind"

D. Eric Hoffer's "The True Believer" "The Passionate State of
Mind" "The Ordeal of Change"

E. Sophocle's "Oedipus Rex" (I consider this positive reading
-- not from the point of view of accidental incest and patricide, but
from the point of view of one who pursues the truth at any cost. Also,
though Oedipus experiences guilt there is no just reason for him to feel
guilty.)

F. Sophocle's "Antigone" (From the point of view of a woman who
considers her NATURAL relationship with her brother to be of greater
value than her obligations to the AUTHORITY of her king. That is,
natural law versus imposed authority. Also, her steadfastness I find
very inspiring.)

Generally uplifting reading -- I have no "reason" for the following
books other than that they give me courage, noble thoughts, and a spirit
of adventure:

We "Post" Mormons were fortunate in that the Mormon lie was so blatant.
Others, in more traditional settings, have a greater difficulty in
seeing through their superstitions. What we have gained is not a new
superstition. Our gain is our freedom from superstition altogether.

When you feel that you have lost all and gained nothing, remember: you
are no longer smug, your intellect is sharper, and what you do know you
know with greater profundity and confidence. Without this painful step
you would not know what you know now. Never forget the relief you felt
with your first genuine assertion and with finally coming out into the
open with your reservations. In short, the gain is ENTIRELY spiritual,
the loss was superficial and petty.

FINALLY

If you are struggling, you are NOT ill. You are not a spiritual misfit.
Your condition is not different from other Members. It could simply be
that you are intelligent and honest. Your soul is in bloom and what it
needs most is light.

Good luck in your efforts to work your own way through the maze -- it's
worth it,