SNL Transcripts: Robert Downey, Jr.: 11/16/96: Spartan Cheerleaders

[Exterior shot of a suburban bowling alley called”Bowler City” – the parking lot is full. Dissolve tothe interior where a father and son have just returnedtheir shoes to the clerk. Arianna and Craig, twoupbeat high school kids who want nothing more than tobe cheerleaders, enter frantically, wearing theircheerleading uniforms (with SPARTAN in red lettersacross their chests) and carrying their gear. They sittogether on a bench in front of some bowling balls anda banner that advertises the EAST LAKE BOWLINGTOURNAMENT.]

Arianna: Craig, it’s the bowling team’s firstbig tournament of the season and we’re late!

Craig: [looking toward the lanes] Oh! Dawson’sabout to pick up a spare.

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us.

Craig: Let’s do it!

[They rise and go into a cheerleading routine:]

Both: Hey Skippy! Your lane is made of peanut butter‘Cause all of your balls are stuck in the gutter! The Spartans show you how to bowlLike Ike and Tina, we’ve got soul! Bowling – Woo!Bowling – Woo!Bowling down the riverDoo doo doo doo doo doo!Woo doo doo doo!Woo doo doo doo!Bowling down the river!Stop spousal abuse!

[Applause. They sit back on the bench.]

Arianna: Craig, did you watch Party ofFive last night?

Craig: No, it conflicts with my Nick at NiteMork and Mindy reruns. Oh! I found a great pairof rainbow suspenders to wear to the Mork and Mindyfantasy convention.

Arianna: You know, some people say I look likePam Dawber.

Craig: Pam Dawber wishes. Nanu nanu. Uh oh.Alexis alert, lane seven.

[Arianna stands and converses with her off screenclassmate.]

Arianna: Hi, Alexis. What’s with the dirtylook? Yeah, these are your bowling shoes. No, I don’thave to take them off. Because you are not the boss ofme! [repeats several times, Craig stands up] Why don’tI buy you a Fresca so you can wash down your selfishpill? … I’m sorry, too. Call me!

Dawson: I’m going to tell my dad to cancel myPenthouse subscription. From now on I’m going to startthinking from here, [points to his head] not here.[points to his crotch] Here, [points to his head] nothere. [points to his crotch, exits]

Arianna: Bye, Dawson!

Craig: Looks like Dawson bowled a perfectten.

Arianna: Hey, that reminds me of a joke. Knock,knock.

Craig: Who’s there?

Arianna: The perfect cheer!

[Craig starts up his boom box and we hear 95 South’s”Whoot, There It Is”]

Boom Box:Excuse me sonny, do you know where I can find somebooty?!Whoot, there it is (Yeah you say it)Whoot, there it is (Yeah I like that)Whoot, there it is (Yeah a little louder)Whoot, there it is (Yeah come on)Whoot, there it is (Come on, come on yeah)Whoot, there it is (I like that come on)Whoot, there it is (Yeah, baby baby)Whoot, there it is (Come on)

[Craig and Arianna do a routine in which Craig feedssnacks to Arianna and then performs the HeimlichManeuver on her, causing the snacks to pop out of hermouth. They both dance off. Fade out.]

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn View all posts by Don Roy King