Video Tapeworm: Releases through Tuesday, June 10

Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman — do we really need to go on? These two super-thesps are having a ball as a pair of irascible cancer-ward patients who decide to go out in style, doing everything in life they’ve never done before they “kick the bucket.” A bull’s-eye hit from director Rob Reiner, co-starring Sean Hayes and Rob Morrow, with a soundtrack by John Mayer. Can you even imagine a more perfect movie?

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL

2008; $28.95-$38.95, PG-13

And, speaking of things to do before you die: Eric Bana plays the real-life King of England who spent his days and nights banging every woman in the kingdom, particularly Anne Boleyn (Natalie Portman) and her sister Mary (Scarlett Johansson). Pretty much defines the term “lucky stiff,” huh? Lots of drama, intrigue and PG-13 passion that desperately needs some full-frontal nudity and kinky sister-sex. But then, what doesn’t?

EROTIC RITES OF COUNTESS DRACULA/MUMMY’S KISS

2003; $19.95, UR

A pair of recent-vintage, soft-core, monster-porn flicks from the fevered brow of sleazemeister Donald F. Glut: “Drac” stars red-haired Brick Randall as a lesbian vampire out to become mortal again. “Kiss” features the heavenly Katie Lohmann and lots of cheezy special FX. They both stink, have Glut’s patented “walk-on by a legit actor” (Richard Lynch, William Smith), lots of tits and are entertaining as hell. Or is that redundant?

FUNNY GAMES

2008; $27.95, R/UR

Seriously scary home-invasion film starring Tim Roth and Naomi Watts, an American remake of a truly sick and twisted German-language film in which a family gets imprisoned in their house by two seemingly affable young men who torture and brutalize them — and their pets! — as if it were a twisted game. Not to be confused with “Funny Girl.”

HIGH NOON

1952; $19.95, UR

A two-disc Ultimate Collector’s Edition of one of the best damned moves ever made! Gary Cooper won the Best Actor Oscar for this incredibly simple yet mesmerizing tale of a lawman who defends a town against an onslaught of killers out for revenge — even though the entire town has abandoned him to certain death. With the ephemeral Grace Kelly in her first starring role, plus Otto Kruger, Lon Chaney Jr., Harry Morgan, Lee Van Cleef, country crooner Sheb Wooley, one-eyed Jack Elam and Lloyd Bridges. A must-own.

ICONS OF ADVENTURE COLLECTION

1964; $24.95, UR

We often forget that Hammer Studios turned out more than just great gothic horror. This set contains a quartet of fabulous actioners, all new to DVD and three of them with Christopher Lee. He is amazing in “The Pirates of Blood River,” but we can also recommend “Terror of the Tongs,” “Devil-Ship Pirates” and the incredibly rare “Stranglers of Bombay.”

JUMPER

2008; $29.95-$39.95, PG-13

Hayden Christensen discovers he has the power to teleport himself, or “jump,” to any place on the globe, leading to all manner of anti-social mischief. That is, until he discovers that he is not unique — and there is a secret society, lead by Samuel L. Jackson, out to kill all people like him! Nice premise, eye-popping special FX and an attractive cast, including Rachel Bilson and Jamie Bell, make this a fun, if light-weight, little actioner.

ORGANIZM

2008; $27.95, R

Johnathon Schaech and Erica Leerhsen star in this cheesy, low-rent SciFi Channel-er filmed in Czechoslovakia. They are out to stop a man-made terror that absorbs energy before the brain-dead military drops an A-bomb on it. Originally know as “Living Hell,” the filmmakers decided that title was too good to waste on this piece of crap, so they came up with “Organizm” instead.

OTIS

2008; $24.95, UR

Stop whatever you are doing (reading the best damned video column in LEO, obviously) and go buy this flick: The absolute darkest, most brutal horror/comedy ever made! A lonely high-schooler has everything for the perfect prom, including a cute date (Ashley Johnson) … locked in his basement! But she’s hardly a weak-willed victim, turning the tables on his black fantasies while Mom and Dad (Daniel Stern and Illeana Douglas) fight FBI Agent Jere Burns over how to best save their daughter. The final act is so savage — and so savagely funny — you’ll immediately watch it again. A truly original comic nightmare from start to finish.

SHARK!

1969; $12.95, PG

A rarely seen early Burt Reynolds flick with a bit of history. Directed by the immortal Samuel Fuller, a stuntman was killed while filming with a supposedly sedated shark. The studio used the tragedy for promotional purposes and Fuller, disgusted, walked out, demanding his name be removed. It wasn’t, and this turkey tainted the rest of his career. Funny thing is, the movie has surprisingly little to do with sharks: It’s about an illegal arms dealer fleeing across the Sudan, who stumbles upon a hunt for sunken treasure. Originally rated “R” when released as “Maneater.”

THE SIGNAL

2007; $26.95-$34.95, R

Three filmmakers, one amazing tale. Anarchy reigns on New Year’s Eve as an enigmatic transmission turns normal revelers into sadistic killers. Starting from this premise, one of three directors (David Bruckner, Dan Bush and Jacob Gentry) began the tale, then handed it off to the next, each adding their own special spice to the mix, resulting in a horror/thriller unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. Worth checking out.

WITLESS PROTECTION

2008; $29.95-$39.95, PG-13

More low-rent silliness from Larry the Cable Guy. What more could you need to know?