~ Daily musings from a slightly bent brain.

I do not give consent

Fifteen years ago today, Lisa and I were married in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. It was the culmination of a “long” weekend of about 4 or 5 days. We went up prior to the weekend, got married on Monday the 5th, and came home the same day. I would have never guessed fifteen years ago that I would be sitting her writing about the collapse of our marriage due to her infidelity. Breakdown of the relationship, complacency, or a host of other reasons I could probably have accepted on that day as the ruination of our marriage, but not cheating by her.

Around the time the ex and I were splitting up, my (foster) sister pulled some crap that ended up with us not speaking to each other. I played an equal role in the stupidity of the whole thing and have sent numerous apologies and olive branches, with no response. I honestly believe that the truth of the matter is that I pointed out her hypocrisy and that, more than anything else, is what truly pissed her off. For a long time, I was hurt by her unwillingness to try to make things right again, but no longer am. It’s been a long, long time since I evicted her from that rent-free space she was inhabiting in my head.

Michelle has cut me out of her life again, in the exact same fashion as she did before. Everything is fine, we’re chatting, laughing, getting along fine and then I’m blocked on Facebook and she won’t answer my texts. It’s perplexing and frustrating, to say the least. Michelle, of the two girls, has always been pretty easy to get along with and was always fiercely loyal to her family until the first episode of cutting me out.

Linda is the one I expect this sort of treatment from. Her biggest problem with me is that I draw breath and, as long as I do, there’s a voice calling her out on her lies. She posted once on Facebook that “I was raised by a narcissistic parent which has caused me to compare myself to others, be competitive, and never think I am worthy. I am tired of feeling this way so I am fighting to find happiness in what I have.” And yet, rather than “never think I am worthy,” she holds herself above everyone in her life. She has ridiculous standards that people must meet, or face her wrath. When Linda hurts, she makes sure that everyone around her hurts, too.

When Linda posted this, Michelle responded with a reply that called me “toxic.” THAT I could probably buy because I suspect I can be toxic at times. But still, in the time since Michelle and I have reconnected, there has been NOTHING said or done that could in any way be construed as “toxic,” as I have been VERY careful in what I said and did around/to her.

So, I sent her a message via text, and I’m sending it to her here now (in the event she or anyone else is “lurking” here:

Michelle, I said previously in a text that you obviously need some space, for whatever reason, and I will give you that. But I have to say my piece as well.

I have no earthly idea what horrible thing I could have done recently to warrant you blocking me out of your life again. I’ve barely spoken to you, so to say I am completely baffled is an understatement. My therapist thinks it likely that it’s less about me and more about you and I suspect she may be partially correct in that assessment. Regardless, I’ve realized it doesn’t matter.

I try to own my actions. Sometimes I fail. If I said or did something to hurt you, I will own that and apologize for it, but I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken. But, if I do not meet some standard that you have set for me, well, that’s your problem and not mine. Take issue with what I say or do, not who I am.

I’m opting off the roller coaster. just like you have to be so tall to get on it, I figure life is too short for me to ride yours. If you want to talk, I’m all ears. If you need me for ANYTHING, I’m there. But I will not beg you to allow me to be a part of your life. When/if you’re ready, you know how to get hold of me.

Be well. Kick cancer’s ass. I love you.

This is all I can do. I was hurt by this, but pain only lasts for so long and, eventually, a person gets desensitized to pain, and here I am, two days later, laughing at silly stuff on the internet, and living my life the best way I can. Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”