Category Archives: Experience

I did end up writing a few poems in August, which is supremely encouraging. I have been pecking at reading more of The Poet’s Companion. I can’t say that the prompts from that have led to any work, as I have not being doing the prompts! That’s on me, not on the quality of the book. The book is amazing.

I have been reading more contemporary poetry during the day, which does put me in a receptive mood for the poems that are inside of me.
Nicola Mae Goldberg’s “Wisconsin” in Winter Tangerine has really impressed and propelled me.

I want to move toward more full-bodied poems. Poems that say more and have more substance. I have a tendency to rattle off about three to four stanzas and then walk away from a poem. I want my poems to be more like a meal, or an experience, than a flash of light, or a sparse, mysterious vision.

I don’t know if this will mean a change of style or voice, or if this is what experimentation looks like. Is it a desirable idea? Either way, it never hurts to play–and to use an artistic illustration, it might be like breaking out the watercolors when you’ve been used to oil painting. Or maybe making a collage–changing it up altogether. But I feel like I am ready for this, and it feels like a natural transition. So, onward, I will play. (And will share that play.)

Speaking of sharing…here are some excerpts from the writing of August.

I am still submitting work into the world, so it’s all happening at its own pace. No recent acceptances yet, but there is still the hope.

I am struggling to write. I see her fantastic prompts, and just come up completely blank. The month of August was not very fruitful with writing, but July was. In an effort to encourage myself and others, I will share excerpts from poems from July. These poems are currently in the race for acceptance from literary magazines. I have managed to be fairly regular with submission.

I know the season of poem writing will return in earnest. Even when I’m not writing, my brain is assembling images and thoughts. This is often the case for novelists, and I’ve heard them say that they are always working–always looking for characters and dialogue. I would say I am always working also, but I am looking for that moment which ties to larger themes—in the past, present, or future.

Here are some stanzas from what was rough draft writing in July 2018:

So, onto those next moments…

Wishing you inspiration, and moments of your own from which to write, ♥

I am still submitting poems, when I have some clarity. A steady little stream of rejections have turned up over the past two weeks. I am encouraged, because the replies to rejections have become more encouraging and slightly personalized. I believe this is due to submitting to the same magazines, multiple times, so they have some familiarity with my name. This, in my mind, comes to multiple great successes.

First, that I am submitting when I’m not really in the best physical or emotional shape–yay, to me, for persevering.
Second, I am becoming familiar with the magazines–that’s good, it means I’m becoming more a part of the community.
Third, the magazines are remembering me!
Fourth, I am seeing a positive outcome after investing in submitting poems over the years–this gives me confidence not just for the acceptance of the poems, but also acceptance of myself as a poet.

Here are some of the rejections I’ve received recently:

This, from The Account:We appreciate the chance to read this submission. Though there is much to admire in these poems, unfortunately none is quite right for us at this time.

And from YesPoetry:Sadly your poems do not meet our criteria at this time, but we wish you luck in placing it elsewhere. We encourage you to submit again!

And from THRUSHWe are pleased to have read these new pieces from you; in particular we enjoyed: Back, however, we have decided to pass on inclusion.

***

To Summarize What Was Said:

“There is much to admire in these poems.” That’s a great compliment!
“We encourage you to submit again!” An invitation to try again. Okay!
“In particular we enjoyed Back.” Feedback on a piece that was liked. Good to know of their sensibilities, and good to know in general.

I am very happy with these realizations. I am updating my spreadsheet with rejection notices, but I am smiling as I do so.

As I’ve been reading The Poet’s Companion, I have been writing poems. I thought I’d take a moment to share some poetry journal excerpts with you. Re-reading this book has brought up memories and sensations I wasn’t expecting. The first and last time I read it, I was in the middle of abuse and turmoil. Looking over certain passages, reading example poems such as Ellery Aker’s mind-blowing “What I Do,” I have felt old familiar feelings of hurt and unrest. I remember what drew me to poetry in the first place.

I have gotten caught up in poetry as “a work” and an academic achievement in recent years, but The Poet’s Companion kindly reminds me that truth and vulnerability are where the beauty is. It reminds me that writing about experiences and observations are about articulating a shared human experience. Being brought back to these Greater Truths about writing is a little scary, but in a good way, as if I’m about to find out who I really am, after all this time, uncovered.

Here are some stanza selections from July 2018. Most of these poems are out in the submission process right now, which I why I can’t share the entire poem. They are where they should be, doing their poem job.

I’ve been devoting time to writing poetry. The morning works for me, so does early evening before bed. This may not be the case for other poets.

Some people write poetry as a academic exercise. Others because they want to do something ‘spiritual’ or mindful, and tap into what they feel, and sense. I have no objection to this, I think writing poetry, and any way you can get the practice into your life, is a wonderful thing. For me, poetry writing has not been optional. I’m very much in the I-do-this-to-survive / confessional / more-like-Anne-Sexton part of the spectrum.

Here is a list of what causes me to write poems. It’s usually fueled by some kind of intensity—but that can take many forms.

Dreams
I usually have dreams that I can write easily into a poem. My dreams tend to be highly symbolic. Very often I’ve written dreams in full description, and that’s been enough for a complete poem. Sometimes, it is a dominating color in a dream, or a theme. There is a treasure of image, sound, emotion, and downright psychological awareness from dream material. If you haven’t taken the time to explore your own psyche in this way with poems, I recommend it.

Emotions
The typical teenager pouring their heart out onto the page, feeling forcefully, isn’t a archetype without reason. Emotions can be a huge source of energy and used successfully as writing material. They can be used to connect you to potential readers, they can help you experiment with the language, they can strengthen your sensitivity and enable you. Joy, sadness, loss, grief, all aspects of the human condition can be described with the words of your choosing.

Limitations
I deal with several mental illnesses, which are mostly managed. But they do have periods where they creep in or takeover my life. Writing enables me to use language to expel my thoughts. Sometimes, I use poems as a therapist. Or I use poems to make metaphor from what seems intangible. Using poetry to label difficult sensations, during times of trial can really aid in grounding and perspective. You might feel improved after writing out your pain, or at least feel legitimized—because the mark of your reality has now morphed into an art.

Memories
Our brains are amazing and keep so many details. Special memories or persistent memories are good writing material. I have also used poetry as a sort of journaling, to keep a feeling or memory intact—say a special day with someone. Maybe you really want to remember seeing the beach for the first time, for example. It can used as a time capsule, keeping your experience alive with a word picture.

If you’re seeking something to write about, try thinking over some of the things I’ve mentioned. Maybe an experience, a dream, or a feeling can open you up to a field of language you never knew lived inside.

I’m returning to writing, and getting back to submitting. It’s a dichotomy—because when you take time to write you feel like you should be submitting, and when you’re submitting, you feel as if you should be writing! Of course, both are necessary, so there really is no internal conflict. Not really. Sometimes, emotionally, it does seem like a bit much.

I like to write a little when I feel that urge to write while I’m submitting. Even if it’s just a image or a stanza, it feels better emotionally. I don’t know if other poets encounter this. It’s a situation I bump into frequently, so I try to manage as best I can. I want my writing time, and my submitting time to be exclusive and focused. If that means I have to break between one or the other to meet a small need, in a small way, I’m willing to do it. Sounds counter-intuitive, but it has worked for me so far.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you’re feeling pulled—into writing while you’re submitting, or submitting while you’re writing!

Are you being inspired by seeing your writing? Or inspired by putting together a submission?
These are feel-good hormones, and excitement. This is good! We want to keep these momentum-feelings!

Do you have coffee, is your blood sugar stabilized, and are you relatively unstressed?
It’s no surprise if you haven’t eaten, or haven’t had your own-personal-stabilizer, or are emotionally or physically compromised, you’re going to have difficulty focusing.

Do you have other things on your mind?
Housework, your job, other anxieties, health issues…can all contribute to distractibility.

Do you have space and sufficient time?
Feeling like you have to fit in submitting or writing, feeling pressure, can lead to ineffective time usage. Or mistakes made while submitting, or poor quality-time writing.

What if you are meeting all your needs and everything is ideal?

As in you’re: 1) chemically balanced, 2) have plenty of time, 3) have plenty of space, 4) have focus, and you are still fighting with wanting to write while you’re submitting, or submitting while you’re writing?

Then, meet both needs, of course! But do it in a small, one-at-a-time focused way!

If you want to write, but you’re in a submitting session…
Take a break from your writing session, and submit to one magazine.
Or read about a magazine you want to submit to.
This shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes.
You still want to devote 90% percent of your time and attention to writing.

If you’re submitting but you get that fire to write…
Take a break from submitting!
Write a line, or a stanza, or an idea for a poem.
Or write an entire poem.
You shouldn’t devote more than 15 minutes to this.
Hopefully, meeting your poem need should free you up to focus on submitting.

Yes, self-discipline does come into play. I’m not saying it’s always going to work out that you can both submit and write. But you can honor yourself and your time, when that itch wants to be scratched.

Sometimes, devoting just a little attention can go a long way towards complete satisfaction and fulfillment, and better clarity and performance with the main task you’re setting out to perform.

I am back to writing poetry, and that feels wonderful! I purchased some books which have re-inspired me. I know I’ve mentioned Kim Addonizio’s The Poet’s Companionbefore, but now I have it in ebook format, so I get to explore it all again.

This book is solid. If you’re planning on getting back into writing poetry, want to read some great examples of poetry, want to learn, or just to read and be inspired, this is your book!

It’s been months since I’ve done much of anything creative. I’ve worked at keeping it alive in my heart, even if I haven’t had time, energy, or inclination. The past year has been medically strange. What I thought was going to be a straightforward diagnosis has led to a year without an answer. I’ve experienced progressive and sporadic symptoms of what I feared was a neurological problem.

My hands and head sometimes shake, my muscles twitch, and my legs lack the stamina and feeling they used to have. My hands have been numb for weeks at a time while doing something as simple as holding a pen. Yet, I have muscle strength and there doesn’t seem to be any urgent problem. I’ve been to three specialist doctors besides my GP, and have performed easily a dozen tests. Potential diagnoses that have been posited include: conversion disorder, essential tremor, small fiber neuropathy, and fibromyalgia.

I had months in which I couldn’t stop researching, trying to figure out something. Does someone else have this? Is there some piece of the puzzle I am missing? Can I figure this out by myself? What do I need to have in mind so I know what tests the doctors should be running? I have developed a greater sense of insight regarding people who don’t have answers for their medical symptoms, and for people dealing with a life-changing diagnosis.

My body going haywire opened me up emotionally. I wrote pages and pages in my journal about my feelings, my worries, running through the logic of what the diagnosis could be. I admit, I was in despair and spinning psychologically, running every possible scenario.

One day, after being exasperated and realizing I was actually stressing myself out and causing my symptoms to worsen, I stopped. I stopped exerting energy toward a problem I couldn’t solve myself. There was no amount of reading on the internet, or putting my symptoms into a spreadsheet, and hyper-focusing that had made my life better. My happiness, and my creative energies were empty, because I had been obsessing about my health for so long. I forgot how to be myself. I forgot what I really cared about, and what I used to spend my time doing.

In the time to come, there are more tests. I will seek answers. There will still be visits to doctors. This mystery ailment will continue to occupy some space in my life. But it doesn’t have to be my life. Maybe it’s a big thing, maybe it’s small. Maybe it’s physical, maybe it’s mental. I don’t know. I don’t have control of that outcome. I do have control about my time, my resources, and what I think about. I choose to think about poetry, writing, and drawing. While spending what functionality I have on what builds me up and makes it all bearable and worthwhile.

I posted toward the end of December, rather hastily, that I would draw and write a poem-a-day until the remainder of the year. In celebration of the arrival of 2018, and to spur myself onto productivity greatness, I declared my intentions to Facebook and social media. I was met with enthusiasm and encouragement, while dopamine-dumping and happy-feeling, was not enough to keep me motivated. In fact, a few days later, on DAY FOUR, I FAILED.

Why did I fail, you might ask?

I failed because I stopped. I stopped creating. I stopped working toward my declared goal. I just, plain, didn’t do it. There are many reasons for this. Here is a list of some of the reasons, most of them I discovered in hindsight, after thinking about WHY I didn’t dowhat I said I was going to do. Let this be a lesson, to myself and others for the future.

I neglected to consider my timing. Nearing the end of the year, with lots to do, what made me think adding pressure to an already pressured time of year was the answer?

I didn’t monitor my resources. How was I feeling? What was going on in my life? What other things were taking up my attention?

I set unrealistic standards. Performing two creative endeavors each day? TWO?

I made it too complicated. Requiring that I do two creative things in a set period of time = not brilliant.

I put a time limit on it. Ever enjoy playing a timed quest in a video game? Or had to meet that school paper deadline? Um, why did I do that to myself?

I gave into perceived peer pressure. The drive for the New Year, Facebook Friends posting their creations, art and inspiration for 2018 abounded, and I bit that poisoned apple. Hard.

I was doing opposing activities. Art-making and word-making do not go together for me. I know this. Why did I think I could do right brain work and left brain at the same time?

I failed to self-assess. Asking questions such as: How has my mental health been lately? Or my physical condition? What could distract me from this work?

I didn’t look at my creative track record. Have I created anything lately? How did it go? How has my creative health been? I haven’t created in a long while. Why is that?

I wasn’t invested. I declared an activity without thinking. I was riding on enthusiasm of the possibility of productivity, not being rooted in the reality of it.

I didn’t plan. All too often, I have to remind myself that inspiration is great, but as I age it is not not not how I get creative work done. Set aside time. Focus. Make it work. Anything else is wasteful.

So, what does this come down to? Basically, I woefully neglected to care for myself as a person living my life, AND as a creative person.

They are two separate jobs. But, they feed into each other, demanding the same resources, and the same time. And the same mind, body, heart.

Do yourself a favor, and before you jump into the next big activity, ask yourself some real questions:

How are you? ♥How are you feeling? ♥And, What Makes the Most Sense for Me Right Now? ♥

Take care of yourself!
Best wishes for you this year, with hope and happiness,

I know I’ve been distant the past month. This is due to many factors—visiting friends out-of-town, which was refreshing, working through abuse memories and healing (always), but the last few weekends it’s been about learning how to RIDE A MOTORCYCLE.

This is something I never thought I would be capable of, having been told since childhood that was so too dumb, too uncoordinated, or just plan incapable of anything! These thoughts have been plaguing me, creeping in—I realized I was experiencing a lot of self-doubt and hurt because of this self-image I still carried.

Recently, I was talking with a friend about working on being more present and connected to my body, and he said, “you should try doing something in your life that demands presence and connection.” After some thinking, I thought: I’ve always wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Thus, the idea was born. I signed up for a local safety class, and over the weekend I took their written and riding exam and passed!

This may sound straightforward and simple, but for me it wasn’t.

On Day One, I dropped the bike, and snapped a piece off it of. I fought a lot of emotions, crying briefly, as other people whizzed around me. I took a deep breath and determined not to quit. Whether I passed or not, or had more difficulties, I thought, “no one could say that I was a quitter.” On Day Two, I had trouble with an exercise and had to reign in my emotions again. Sweaty, sunburned, and bodily fatigued, I carried on. I failed my riding test. I was discouraged and sad, “maybe what my family said is right—I am dumb and uncoordinated.”

But, I communicated with the riding school, and they were very willing to allow me to take the riding classes again and the test free of charge. I reasoned that likely I wasn’t dumb, but was tired, nervous, and it was a new concept to me. I had never even really used a manual transmission before, so what was I expecting? I gave myself some love in my heart, and became resolute, thinking, “if average people can ride a motorcycle, so can I. I have two arms and two feet, and two eyes, I can learn.”

The bike I learned on—Kawasaki Eliminator 125

This past weekend I took the classes again and the riding exam. Everything was smoother. The fear factor I had before was gone. I was more comfortable being with a group of people (something that was panic attack-inducing to me not too long ago), I was connecting to my body (I suffer from dissociation, so this is a big deal), and working on active listening (asking others for clarification—which also used to cause panic in me, because I used to feel so small and inhuman).

I’m going to be writing some more about what I learned and experienced, and I’m going to be writing about my adventures in motorcycling.

By telling you about my experience, my message is, if you want something, keep persisting. And remember, if average people can “get it,” you can, too.

I’ve been meaning to write a more in-depth post for some time. My head space has been a bit scrambled, and I’ve been wading through a lot of current life sideline emotion and the more nebulous backlog of emotion from the history of abuse. Abuse sucks, plain and simple. It is a powerful force that for huge segments of my life has been a drain of resources, time, energy, focus, drive, even willingness to live. Never mind having to do more things in a day besides just existing. Existing was the hardest thing for me do—when the abuse was happening, when it was becoming known to me in my consciousness; as the veils and distances of time and space fell away in my healing, it made everything get closer. More personal. Harder to deny, impossible to run away from. I tried to hide physically, emotionally, mentally, and when I was all done exerting myself from that, the truth would sit there, unamused by my antics, and ever-patient, telling me this happened to you.

So, here is my new goal. This isn’t a healing-focused blog, as I’ve had them before and they have been very beneficial, but also enabled a lot of wallowing. I’m not interested in that. I’m interested in being, and in making space and saying Yes to what is left of me, and what is growing from this point forward.

This is my grounding tactic—my tether and my answer to loss, to shame, to new memories, to all manner of uncontrollable. This, I can control. I can come here. I can be here.

So, here’s my new motto, and life goal—

I love you all, I hope you will continue on this creating journey with me—of fortifying self, and creative skills. ♥

I sent five poems to Dead King Magazine two weeks ago. A few days ago I received a lovely acceptance letter. I leaped out of my chair. I have been sending out submissions pretty regularly the last few months, processing lots of rejection letters, just waiting for the eventual good turn, and it happened.

Out of the five poems listed, they decided on two, “Waiting for the Anger to Stop,” and “A Phone Call Unanswered.” I’m pleased because they were recently written, within the last six months — and one of them within the last few weeks — which reassures me that I’m on an encouraging growth path with my writing. I’ve worried over time that I’ve lost my sense of direction, gotten rusty, clumsy, out-of-touch, or too experimental, or, worse, not experimental enough. I’ve been writing for 14 years, fairly steadily; I’ve put in a lot of time and heart. I know that writing poetry has expanded from the realm of interest, past hobby, and is now into “work” territory — where I can hardly think of doing anything else, aside from drawing.

It’s nice to see some response from that effort — even if it is just a magazine acceptance, and in the grand scheme of things as awesome as that is, it doesn’t amount to much in the scope of it all. The strange thing is, I can’t even answer why I’m sending out my poems. It’s not to be well-known, because that’s unlikely. It’s not for recognition, or acceptance, or fellow poet acknowledgements — I think it’s what I hinted at before — challenging myself and seeing what sticks. After all this time, and development, wouldn’t it be nice to know where I stand in skill?

After all, what is creative growth but pushing and pushing? Reading others who are in your field of interest? Learning, contributing among them, and seeing what comes back to you — fully-formed, or split? What is there to take away? What expansion can be had? Who sees you? Who can benefit from the words? The observations? Other people who see as you do. Other people who know what it takes to make the words work — and those people are poets — and the people who are poet lovers. I know of no other art that seeks for the distillation of truth at this intensity. And it does. Originally starting as a therapy for me — and it still is — poetry is where I turn to first. When I try to make sense, when conflict and emotions scatter in mid-air, are hard to catch and hang onto, I pin them down the best I can with poetry. It’s what I have. And it’s what I want to give to others. That peace. That distillation of experience, tangible, and distant, but close enough to look at, interpret.

I’m working on keeping my hands and brain going. I’ve got lots of ideas for the upcoming year. How have things been going for you? Have you set some goals for the year ahead? Instead of setting goals this year, I’m sticking to some core values and working my way from there.

1. Love and be loved
2. Kindness, kindness, kindness – toward self and others
3. Patience
4. Art is play, poetry is play, life is play

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with creative pursuits. I have poetry goals, artistic goals, book goals, learning various programs and getting-proficient goals. The task list can be eye-boggling, but taking it a little bit at a time is helping to steady me. I can take small steps everyday. That’s a thing I can do. Over time, those small steps will lead to a large progress. It’s the One-Day-At-A-Time Mentality. I can do this. You can do this, too.

I’m rooting for you and thinking of you in the days ahead.

Keep doing what you’re doing, keep your goals in the forefront of your heart and go for it.

Being new to concept artwork, and working outside of a reference photo has been quite a challenge for me. All too often I’ve found it frustrating.

I have been battling with doubt and rhetorical questions of doom, such as: How am I supposed to make this look? Am I on the right track? Does this look right?

Note the condescending, scary words I use in my own mind: “supposed” and “right”. Those words, my friends, are creativity killers.

Paired with judgmental, stern remarks, such as: This looks ugly. This looks like nothing at all. I’ve wasted precious time.

Insecurities and self-doubt have been plaguing me, but I have just kept on working, trying to get into the flow of it. It’s hard to get immersed and have fun with all that pressure. Fortunately, I am in full control of that pressure, because I am the only one making demands on myself!

I’m not the first or the last artist to struggle with this. Surely, this isn’t the end of struggling for me, either. But seeing the problem and identifying it is more than half the battle. I must remember to keep my positivity up — being kind to myself is important, but positivity also has the added benefit of keeping the work flowing. By being happy and meditative while doing my art, and enjoying my time, I gain momentum for future works and future progress — which is what I’m after.

Here are some things I’ve been saying to myself, maybe they can be of use to you, too:

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Hi! Welcome to my art and poetry site. Thank you for stopping by. Please read the bio to learn more about me, or browse the galleries for art, or read posts. Thank you for visiting. I hope to meet you and share in creating together. Love, Penney. ♥