Xerostomia. Wtf? Don’t panic. We’re not going to go all Greek on you. Xerostomia (zero-STOW-me-uh) is the fancyass medical word for cottonmouth. Also known as hyposalivation, cottonmouth is what happens when you’ve blazed a bongload and suddenly your mouth is so dry you can hardly speak. Your lips stick to your teeth, and it becomes about impossible to swallow. Sure, it can be funny when it happens to someone else. When your own mouth is so dry you can’t stand it, it’s not such a good time.

What causes cottonmouth?

There are several things that can cause your mouth to feel as dry as a desert. Certain medications can make your mouth dry. Not drinking enough water during the day can also lead to a wickedly un-wet mouth. But, for the purposes of this blog, we will assume that your cottonmouth is caused by smoking cannabis. This certainly is the most fun way to dry out your lips, tongue and mouth.

Can cottonmouth be prevented?

Probably not. For whatever scientific reasons, smoking weed often dries the mucus membranes of the human mouth. Smoking dank, delicious bud may also cause your salivary glands to produce less spit. So, if you’re gonna get baked there’s an excellent chance you’re also gonna get cottonmouth. One thing you can do to prevent the horrors of cottonmouth is to be sure you drink plenty of water whenever you’re awake. It’s better to sip a little bit of water several times an hour than it is to chug a gallon all at once. Sugary drinks like Kool-Aid and Coke may actually make your cottonmouth worse. Besides, those kind of beverages are not good for you anyway. If you really need to swill something sweet, go for fruit juice, unsweetened iced tea or honey-sweetened lemonade. Yeah, we know that honey is for hippies, but it’s still a whole lot better for you than plain sugar. The point is to get lots of water-based fluids into your system.

Can cottonmouth be cured?

Not permanently. Remember what we told you twelve seconds ago about avoiding sugar? Well, you can forget it now. Sucking on hard candies such as Lifesavers or Jolly Ranchers will increase your saliva production and keep your mouth nice and moist. If we were your Mom, we’d advise you to brush your teeth after macking on candy. But we’re not your mother, so we won’t. In fact, we’re going to give you a list of candies that are excellent temporary cottonmouth cures:

* Lifesavers

* Jolly Ranchers (watermelon is best)

* Smarties

* Sweet Tarts

* Willy Wonka Bottlecaps

* Willy Wonka Nerds

* Colombina Sour Balls

* Blow Pops

* Lemonheads

* Jawbreakers

* Red Vines

Candies like chocolate will probably not fix your cottonmouth. What you’re looking for is a candy that takes a lot of time to suck on. So, next time you go to meet your guy or visit your local dispensary, be sure to stop somewhere and lay in a good supply of slow-melting sweets. You might as well go ahead and get enough to share with your friends because you know how they are. When you get home, twist a fatty or load up your vape and don’t space out where you left your bag of delicious, cottonmouth-curing candy.