Thanks to everyone who has helped me with my large dense linear algebra
survey. I have recently submitted it for publication, but those who want
an early look are welcome to grab a copy by anon FTP from math.berkeley.edu
in /pub/Alan_Edelman/survey1993.tex.

Comments and criticisms are most certainly welcome.

The paper's title is "Large Dense Numerical Linear Algebra in 1993 --
The Parallel Computing Influence." The year in the title was inspired
by automobile dealers.

We are looking for the program " PARANOIA " which is a program to
examine the floating-point arithemetic provided by a programming
language translator. We are interested to get the FORTRAN, PASCAL
and C versions of PARANOIA. Any information about how and where to
get the programs will be very much appreciated.

We still have some copies of
Lothar Collatz 1910--1990
Hamburger Beitraege zur Angewandten Mathematik, Reihe B,
Bericht 16, Juli 1991, 118 p.
It contains 11 sections (mainly in German) with the following titles:
1. Introduction, 2. Personal data, 3. Publications, 4. Students,
5. Oberwolfach, 6. Travel reports and diaries, 7.Greeting cards 1973--1989,
8. Games and anecdotes, 9. Artistic activities, 10. Photos, 11. Honorary
colloquium. Several photographs and drawings are included.
Those who are interested in obtaining a copy should submit their request
with full postal address to
(e-mail) AM00000@DHHUNI4.BITNET , or
(fax) +49-40-4123-5117
We will mail the available copies free of charge as long as they last.

> We are looking for recent algorithms for the solution of the following
> problem:
>
> Given two images f(x,y,z), g(x,y,z) of the same object it is known that
> one can be obtained from the other by rotation and translation.
> Suppose that there exist angles (ax,ay,az) and displacements (dx,dy,dz)
> and a scalar s such that f is obtained from g by the rotations,
> displacements and scalar multiplying factor. What is the most
> effective way to find these 7 parameters?

As I remember, they were searching for a more general "warping" than
simple rotation and translation, but only in 2D. In either case,
the object is to minimize a norm between the warped image and the
target image, where the warping would have 7 parameters you mention,
and the norm requires an integral over all the image points. They
found the genetic search was most efficient if it compared the warped
image with the target image at only a relatively small number of
randomly selected points. I imagine the same would be true of
simulated annealing.

> Comments on parallel implementations for the solution of this problem
> also useful

Version 1.1 of RKTEC, an ANSI C program for calculating Runge-Kutta
truncation error coefficients, is now available from NETLIB in the
MISC directory. The new version represents some minor improvements
in internal organization and a couple of serious bug fixes. Anyone
using version 1.0 is urged to obtain the new version.

A new newsgroup concerning MATLAB is being proposed on the UNIX "Usenet"
network. The group would be known as "comp.soft-sys.matlab" and would
be unmoderated. A formal Call For Vote on the group was posted to
several existing newsgroups, including sci.math.num-analysis, on December 8.

I have voted in favor of formation of the group and would like to
encourage other MATLAB fans with access to The Net to also support it.
Several of us at The MathWorks expect to participate in the group as
individuals. If you want more information, or missed the announcements,
send me a note and I'll forward you copies of the announcements.

We would like to introduce the availability of a software
package which provides an efficient, direct method of solving
almost block diagonal (ABD) systems. The decomposition is based
on block Gaussian elimination with partial pivoting and generates
no fill-in. The algorithm utilizes level 3 BLAS primitives where
possible. The software is provided as FORTRAN 77 source code and
includes complete documentation, a routine for testing the
software, and a sample application.

- the overlap between blocks is non-negative
- the total amount of overlap in a given block must not be
greater than the number of columns in the block
- the total number of rows in the system must be equal to the
total number of columns in the system
- the index of the first column of overlap between i-th and
(i+1)th blocks must be less than or equal to the index of
the last row of the i-th block
- the index of the last column of overlap between i-th and
(i+1)th blocks must be greater than or equal to the index of
the last row of the i-th block.

The software contains three major subroutines to perform the
LU decomposition (_GEABD), solution for multiple right hand sides
(_SOLN) and solution for multiple right hand sides for the
transposed system (_SOLT). The arguments to the call to _GEABD
are the same as the call to the NAG routine F01LHF with the
exception of the TOLerance parameter used by F01LHF but not
present here. The arguments in the call to _SOLN and _SOLT are
similar to those in the call to the NAG routine F04LHF.

The software describe above is available from Southern
Methodist University (as SMU Software Report 92-3) via anonymous
ftp. To retrieve the software:

ftp seas.smu.edu

using the binary file transfer mode

get /pub/l3abdsol.zip
or
get /pub/l3abdsol.tar.Z

The software may also be retrived from netlib by:

mail netlib@research.att.com
send l3abdsol from linalg

Comments, queries and suggestions will be highly appreciated.

Cliff Cyphers and Marcin Paprzycki
Department of Mathematics and Computer Science
University of Texas of the Permian Basin
Odessa, TX 79762

Back in February (NA Digest, vol. 92, nos. 6-7), there were several articles
on the Language Compatible Arithmetic Standard (LCAS). This draft standard
has been rewritten and renamed as Language Independent Arithmetic, Part 1
(LIA-1). To be precise, it is ISO/IEC CD 10967-1:1992 or ANSI X3T2 92-064.
Part 1 covers integer and floating-point arithmetic. Later parts will cover
intrinsic functions, input/output, complex arithmetic, etc.

We are now in the ANSI public review period for this draft (comments by
January 5, 1993). Instructions for obtaining a copy of the draft and
commenting on it are given at the end of this note.

There has been a lot of discussion of this draft on the Internet: both nceg
(Numerical C Extensions Group) and numeric-interest. Most of the commentary
has been unfavorable. The reasons for supporting or opposing the draft vary
from technical to political. I will attempt to summarize the technical views.
(I am deliberately avoiding the political arguments -- there have been too
many already.)

LIA-1 contains three components: specification requirements for the behavior
of arithmetic types, notification requirements for exceptional conditions, and
documentation requirements for system vendors.

The proponents claim that LIA-1 will provide an environment for writing
portable numeric software, for performing numerical analysis of such software,
and for notifying the user of exceptional conditions.

The opponents say that there is no evidence that any of those claims are true,
particularly since no language standard supports such environments. They also
believe strongly in the IEEE standards for floating-point arithmetic. They
claim that we do not need another standard, particularly one that allows the
VAX D-format with its very narrow dynamic range and that permits partial
implementations of the IEEE standards. They also claim that no writer of
numeric software has come forward to say that LIA-1 will be helpful.

The proponents counter with the claim the IEEE is not the whole world -- other
architectures need a standard. The opponents then say that the marketplace is
demanding IEEE compliance and that IBM, DEC, and Cray are all headed in that
direction anyway. (Note that many of the opponents want to preserve the
documentation aspects of LIA-1.)

This rather terse summary of a 91 page draft standard and 180K of email is
unlikely to sway anyone who already has a position. Read the draft and
discuss it with others. <Public Disclosure: I oppose LIA-1.>

--Stu Anderson (Boeing Computer Services, sla@espresso.boeing.com)

Directions for obtaining LIA-1:
LIA-1 is available as postscript or compressed postscript:

ANSI committee X3T2 has the responsibility of formulating the US position on
LIA-1 as an international standard. In order to be of use in formulating that
position, comments must be received before the next X3T2 meeting on January 5.
Although electronic submissions have no official standing with ANSI, it would
greatly help the work of X3T2 to have electronic copy as well. Send them to
the X3T2 committee chairman, Mark Hamilton (mah@netwise.com).

X3T2 is a technical committee. Comments should be technical in nature and
recommend specific changes to the draft that would meet objections raised.
Personal attacks and insults, aside from being ill-mannered and
unprofessional, tend to debase any technical merit the comment might otherwise
have.

CALL FOR PARTICIPATION
DIMACS Workshop on
Parallel Algorithms for Unstructured and Dynamic Problems
June 2-4, 1993

Parallel computing has been quite successful solving large problems having
very regular structure, because the structure naturally leads to a balanced
allocation of data and computations across the processors, and to efficient
communications between processors. Examples of such problems can be found in
matrix computation, in signal/image processing, and in natural sciences.
However, in many important mathematical, scientific and industrial problems
data dependencies are highly irregular and/or evolving at run time.
Outstanding examples include discrete event simulations, branch and bound
techniques, unstructured sparse graph and matrix problems, adaptive grid
methods, as well as many others. It is desirable to develop parallel
algorithms, compiler techniques, and hardware for efficiently solving large,
irregular problems. The purpose of the workshop is to bring together
researchers from a wide variety of fields in order to explore the existing
algorithms, heuristics, and systems, to suggest new methods, and to identify
some common strategies.

WORKSHOP FORMAT

The three day workshop (Wednesday, June 2 - Friday, June 4) will be held at
DIMACS at Rutgers University, Piscataway, New Jersey. DIMACS is the National
Science Foundation science and technology center for discrete mathematics and
computer science. The workshop will include invited presentations, contributed
talks, and possibly a poster session. Papers are solicited in appropriate
applications (e.g., discrete event simulations, sparse matrix computations),
systems (e.g., compilers, hardware), and theory. Contributed papers/abstracts
should reach the organizers by February 1, 1993. By the end of March 1993,
authors will be notified of acceptance, and the program will be distributed.
The organizers plan to arrange informal gatherings on each day of the Workshop
to promote discussions.

The DIMACS Conference Center can accommodate about 100 participants.
Subject to this capacity constraint, the Workshop is open to all researchers.
The Workshop will not have a registration fee, and a limited amount of travel
support will be available.

NORTHERN UNIVERSITIES' NUMERICAL ANALYSIS DAY
Thursday 7th January
University of Bradford

The next meeting in the series is to be hosted, jointly by the Departments
of Mathematics and Civil Engineering, at the University of Bradford on
Thursday 7th January 1993. The two invited speakers for the day are Roger
Fletcher (Dundee University), who will give a talk entitled "An Optimal
Positive Definite Update for Sparse Hessian Matrices", and Ivan Graham
(Bath University) who will talk about "A Pseudospectral 3D Boundary
Integral Method Applied to a Nonlinear Model Problem From Finite
Elasticity".

As usual, as well as these two invited talks, there will be numerous
shorter contributions. Anyone wishing to present a talk is encouraged to
do so and should contact the organisers.

Further details contact Simon Chandler-Wilde
(email: S.N.Chandler-Wilde@uk.ac.bradford, Tel: 0274 383856)
by 21st December if you would like to contribute a talk.

THE RATIONALE:
Mesh generation is one of the most time-consuming aspects of the
numerical solution of scientific and engineering problems that
involve partial differential equations. An iterative process of
alternate mesh and solution generation evolves in an adaptive manner
with the end result that the solution is computed to prescribed
specifications in an optimal, or at least efficient, manner. Mesh
generation and adaptivity are major challenges for computational
problems involving moving boundaries and interfaces, such as
free-surface flows and fluid-structure interactions. This program
will assemble researchers in geometric modeling, mesh generation,
adaptive strategies, and a posteriori error estimation with the
goals of (i) exchanging information, (ii) stimulating
interdisciplinary research, and (iii), ultimately, unifying these
endeavors.

THE PROGRAM:
The first two weeks will emphasize geometric modeling and mesh
generation and the last week will emphasize error estimation.
Adaptive strategies and selected applications will be discussed
throughout the three-week period and will serve as a catalyst to
stimulate interaction between the various groups. There will be (as
well as the theoretical and applied research talks and informal
discussions) ten expository talks setting the physical and
mathematical reference point for each type of environmental model or
analysis.

SUPPORT:
Some partial support is still available for researchers
(including graduate students) who are, or wish to become, familiar
with the subject. Preference will be given to those who
participate in the entire program. For details concerning support or
participation write to Avner Friedman, Director, at the above
address.

PARTICIPATING INSTITUTIONS:Consiglio Nazionale delle Ricerche,
Georgia Institute of Technology, Indiana University, Iowa State
University, Kent State University, Michigan State University,
Northern Illinois University, Northwestern University, Ohio State
University, Pennsylvania State University, Purdue University,
University of Chicago, University of Cincinnati, University of
Houston, University of Illinois (Chicago), University of Illinois
(Urbana), University of Iowa, University of Kentucky, University of
Manitoba, University of Maryland, University of Michigan, University
of Minnesota, University of Notre Dame, University of Pittsburgh,
Wayne State University

An activity of the IEEE SP Society's Technical Committee on VLSI
organized in cooperation with IEEE Benelux, IEEE Benelux Chapter
on Signal Processing and EURASIP

October 20-22 1993 Koningshof, Veldhoven, The Netherlands

The objective of the workshop is to provide a forum for discussion of new
theoretical and applied developments in signal processing in its relation
to implementation as Very Large Scale Integrated Circuits. A key note
lecture and a panel discussion will focus on "Industrial and Technical
Challenges in Signal Processing for Consumer Applications". The aim is to
have also a session devoted to this topic. A hard-bound record of the
Workshop presentations will be published.

Papers are solicited that relate to the technologies involved in the
design and implementation of signal processing algorithms and systems as
VLSI circuits:

* Digital Signal Processing * Integrated Circuits and Systems
Algorithms This area refers to the different
Architectures phases, methods and tools (CAD)
Languages used in designing signal processing
Transformational design algorithms and systems that may
lead to a final implementation in
silicon:

As you may aware, a process is underway to define a standard message
passing interface for applications on distributed memory concurrent
computers. This process formally began with a workshop held in Williamsburg
in April 1992. Following this a Working Group was formed to carry the
standardization process forward, and a draft standard for message passing was
proposed by Dongarra, Hempel, Hey, and Walker. This proposed standard,
called Message Passing Interface 1 (MPI1), was discussed at a second meeting
held in Minneapolis in November. At this meeting it was decided to
accelerate the standardization process by forming subcommittees to examine
different aspects and to make recommendations, taking MPI1 as a reference
point. The subcommittees will meet approximately every 6 weeks, with the
objective of finalizing the standard by July 1993. The following
is a list of the subcommittees:

In general, we shall follow the organization and procedures of the
High Performance Fortran working group.

For the standard to be a success input from the research community is
essential. I am therefore writing to ask if you would like to assist in
defining the message passing standard by joining up to two of the above
subcommittees (it has been decided that no individual should be a member
of more than 2 subcommittees). It is important that the subcommittee members
play an active role in the standardization process, and attend most or all
of the meetings, so please only offer to join a subcommittee if you able
to devote sufficient time to its activities.

Please let me know which, if any, of the subcommittees you would like to join,
and I shall send you you further information on the current status of the
standardization process.

Please note that the next meeting of the subcommittees will take place at the
Bristol Suites Hotel, 7800 Alpha Road, Dallas, Texas. It will start after
lunch on Wednesday January 6, 1993, and finish at noon on Friday, January 8,
1993. Reservations are $89 per night and may be made by calling (214) 233-7600
(mention MPI meeting). The meeting registration fee will be $75. An agenda will
be sent out soon to all subcommittee members.

With Best Regards,
David Walker
Executive Director of the MPI Working Group

The "RENCONTRES MATHEMATIQUES", Mathematical Circus, is an informal
meeting of mathematicians to gather around a principal speaker and a
leading subject. It always takes place at ENSL, about every month. The
previous ones were about homogeneisation theory, bifurcation theory,
kinetics equations, mathematical problems of combustion ...

This time the leading speaker is P.-L. LIONS, University of Paris IX-Dauphine.

He will give two or three talks covering various aspects of
mathematical modelling, nonlinear partial differential equations
and their viscous solutions, geometrical interpretation,
and finally numerical approximation of these models.

The circus is unique in that it is VERY informal, and thus allows
us to talk about the very latest results as well as interesting work
in progress. In our previous meetings there has been lots of informal
discussion and a very healthy mix of industrial and academic participants.

GRADUATE STUDENTS ARE WELCOME !

We have arranged special conference train fares with SNCF. Ask just
for a "Congress Ticket".
A restricted number of uncharged rooms are at our disposal on Campus.
There is also some hotels a few minutes' ride from ENSL campus.

To register, please send e-mail to Claudine Schmidt-Laine at the
adress below. As usual, there is no registration fee.

The circus will begin on Thursday morning and will end on Friday noon.

Announcement of Postdoctoral Research Opportunities in High Performance
Computing at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory.

JPL is inviting applications for Resident Research Associateships (RRA),
administered by the National Research Council, in areas of High Performance
Computing which are relevant to JPL's participation in NASA's HPCC Earth and
Space Sciences project. These HPCC RRAs are open to US citizens and legal
Permanent Residents who have held the doctorate less than five years at the
time an award is offered. Postdoctoral awards for new Ph.Ds under this program
carry a stipend of $42,500 for CS, EE, and closely related fields. Stipends for
other fields are somewhat smaller. Applications are reviewed 3 times annually.
The application deadline for the next review is Jan. 15, 1993. Persons with
research interests in the areas outlined below should contact the listed JPL
Advisor for more information.

Parallel Algorithms, Tools, and Paradigms for High Performance Scientific
Computing

The application of High Performance Computing to large scale science
problems requires innovate approaches to the development of algorithms, system
software, and libraries on the new generation of parallel computers.
Opportunities for research in this area focus on the use of parallel and
heterogeneous computing platforms for Grand Challenge science computing, and
include, but are not limited to, 1) The applicability of new parallel
programming paradigms to science and engineering applications, 2) Innovative
approaches to the numerical solution of partial differential equations, 3)
Dynamic load management and task scheduling, 4) Parallel numerical and
semi-numerical methods, and 5) The application of AI or Expert Systems to code
optimization for performance. Researchers will have access to the NASA HPCC
testbeds, and will interact with computational scientists who are working on
NASA Grand Challenge applications.

The principal thrust of this research is the development of Parallel Three
Dimensional Perspective Rendering Algorithms for use in conjunction with very
large Earth and planetary image datasets. The primary goal is to achieve the
capability of computing high fidelity images at rates consistent with
producing real time animations, permitting the interactive exploration of the
scientific datasets. Additional topics of interest include the development of
companion capabilities for the viewing of multi-spectral data and the
exploration of the data both temporally and as a function of wavelength.

The Department of Mathematical and Computer Sciences invites applications
for a tenure track position at the Assistant Professor level for Fall of
1993. A research focus in one of the following areas is required:
computational mathematics/numerical analysis, database, parallel or
distributed systems/architectures, graphics, scientific visualization.
Duties include teaching undergraduate and graduate courses, development
of a funded research program, and supervision of graduate students at
the MS and PhD levels. Applicants should also have interest in performing
interdisciplinary research in such areas as environmental sciences,
materials, mining, or artificial intelligence.

A PhD degree is required, preferably in computer science, but a mathematics
degree with a computational emphasis will also be considered. Applicants
should demonstrate a strong commitment to excellence and innovation in
education, and to significant research accomplishment.

The Colorado School of Mines is a state university, internationally
renowned in the energy, materials, and resource fields, which now attracts
outstanding students in a broad range of science and engineering disciplines.
CSM provides an attractive campus environment, a collegial atmosphere,
relatively small size (3000 students), and an ideal location in the foothills
of the Rocky Mountains 13 miles from downtown Denver.

Applications will be considered beginning February 15, 1993 and therafter
until the position is filled. Applicants should send a vita including
description of aptitude or experience in teaching, research interests,
a list of publications, and three letters of reference, at least one of
which specifically addresses the candidate's teaching potential. Send
by postal mail to Computer Science Search Committee, Dept. of Mathematical
and Computer Sciences, Colorado School of Mines, Golden, CO, 80401.

Caltech Prize Fellowship in Concurrent Computing
Center for Research on Parallel Computation
California Institute of Technology

The California Institute of Technology has established a Prize
Fellowship in Concurrent Computing to support the NSF Science and
Technology Center for Research on Parallel Computation. Young
scientists interested in scientific computing, numerical analysis
and concurrency are invited to apply for this highly competitive
position. All areas of large scale scientific computing are of
interest to the Center. There is particular strength in continuation
and homotopy methods, bifurcation theory, concurrent algorithms,
adaptive mesh generation, particle methods, numerical methods for
nonlinear partial differential equations and computational fluid
dynamics. A wide variety of parallel computers are available for
use in research. The appointment is for one year and is usually
renewed for a second year.

Candidates must have been (or about to be) recipients of a PhD in
an appropriate area within the past three years. Applications from
qualified candidates should include a vita, a statement of research
interests and goals and be submitted by February 1, 1993, to:

Applicants should also have three letters of reference sent to the
CRPC Fellowship Committee at the above address. Requests for further
information should be sent to Ms. Boyd. The selection will be announced
in March 1993, and the position usually commences in September.

Caltech is an equal opportunity/affirmative action employer. Women and
minorities are encouraged to apply.

The Computational Sciences, Computer Sciences and Mathematics Center
at Sandia National Laboratories invites outstanding candidates to
apply for the 1993 AMS Research Fellowship. The Fellowship is
supported by the Applied Mathematical Sciences Research Program
at the U.S. Department of Energy. AMS Fellowships at Sandia provide
an exceptional opportunity for innovative research in scientific
computing on advanced architectures and are intended to promote
the transfer of technology from the laboratory research environment
to industry and academia through the advanced training of new
computational scientists. Candidates must be U.S. citizens, have
recently earned a Ph.D. degree or the equivalent, and have a strong
interest in advanced computing research.

The Center maintains strong programs in analytical and computational
mathematics, discrete mathematics and algorithms, computational
physics and engineering, advanced computational approaches for
parallel computers, graphics, and architectures and languages.
Sandia provides a unique parallel computing environment, including
several massively parallel computers from nCUBE and Intel, and
several large Cray supercomputers.

The fellowship appointment is for a period of one year and may be
renewed for a second year. It includes a highly competitive salary,
moving expenses, and a generous professional travel allowance.
Applicants should send a resume, a statement of research goals,
and three letters of recommendation to Robert H. Banks, Division
7531-AMS, Sandia National Laboratories, P.O. Box 5800, Albuquerque,
NM 87185. The closing date for applications is December 31, 1992,
although applications will be considered until the fellowship is
awarded. The position will commence during 1993.

For further information contact Richard C. Allen, Jr., at (505)
845-7825 or by e-mail, rcallen@cs.sandia.gov.

[Editor's Note: We found this on the net at Northeastern University.
We're not sure where it originated, but we thought it was worth
sharing. -- Cleve.]

______ How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
(__ __) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/ /
/ /
(_/he proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to
remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public
service to help programmers in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible
since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."

Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his
feet."

Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
medic in the emergency room.

APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.

Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After
a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
at everyone n sight.

BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.

COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN
return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs
to be retied.

DBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by
the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
yourself anyway. <rboatright>

DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun
was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

Forth: yourself foot shoot.

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run
out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-
processing ability.

Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

sh, csh, etc.:
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the
computer and switch to C.

Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
terminal.

PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the
offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles
its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and
drops the original one on your foot.

Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing
to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in
your face.

SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then
changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).

lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

CLIPPER: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that ou
can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the
bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
mail _REAL_SOON_NOW_.

SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it
returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the
attachment at the end of your leg.