Uber to Deliver the BODY OF CHRIST
by William Russell Faber
The new Uber aims to deliver you...from
your sins.
The ride co-opting company announced
today that it would begin allowing
customers to order communion wafers
from select locations in Georgia,
Alabama, and Hell. Drivers must register
as eucharistic ministers and administer
the sacrament immediately upon arrival,
though customers are still expected to
arrive at the vehicle promptly, and still
expected not to tip. Those who wish to
receive His body need only use the app’s
updated sorting function, which now
categorizes food options by price, liturgical
denomination, and whether your Baptist
roommate will do that arms-crossed-overchest thing when he answers the door.
This change marks a radical departure
from Uber’s former policy to discriminate
against Christians. The car-ferrying service
has said in the past that their product is a
“secular experience” and that “drivers must
defecate on a Bible before every ride.”

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The initial reaction to the change has
been largely positive. [REDACTED]
Cooper, a twenty-four-year-old male
residing in one of the lower levels of Hell,
gave a glowing review, saying, “I thought
Christianity was all mumbo jumbo until
I died unexpectedly in what many have
called the most tragic throw rug accident
of that particular September. All of a
sudden I was in Hell, Satan was confirmed
real, and I had no way to atone for my sins.
Then Uber comes along. Now I can receive
the saving body of Christ from the comfort
of my very own Eternity. I owe the app my
life...my afterlife that is.” Then he winked.
“It’s brought my daughter so much closer
to the faith,” says Mary-Jo [REDACTED],
a devout Catholic mother. “We used to put
a tracker in her car to make sure she went
to mass- but then I snuck out for a smoke
during the homily and caught her listening
to “Bread and Butter” by the Newbeats in
the parking lot. That had to stop. Thanks to
Uber, we both get what we want: she stays
home, and I don’t have to worry about Satan
getting his grubby little hands on her soul.”

Other communities worry that this
change may not extend to other religions
and will end up excluding them. “If
Christians can order the Eucharist, then
why can’t Buddhists order Tsok? Or
Jews order matzo?” asked a concerned
bystander who’d just looked up these foods
on the website Wikipedia.
When reached for comment, Uber’s
CEO, [REDACTED] [REDACTED],
made an official statement while drunk
off communion wine: “I was against any
sort of association between religious
iconography and Uber precisely to
prevent these types of questions. Then
Jesus came to me in a dream. He told me
that I must feed all his children the bread
of life. I asked him if I could charge for it
and he said yes.”
Whatever the reason behind the change,
this marks a huge win for all those who
just couldn’t make it to Church that day,
including my aunt Sue, the guys that used
to chill with the Pope before he got big,
and Pakistani activist Malala Yousafzai,
who is Muslim.