Monday, April 21, 2008

Latest yuks from the Conan man

From NBC, a compilation of recent Conan O'Brien jokes:

"Yesterday, Hillary Clinton's top adviser abruptly left her campaign. When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said: 'Wait - we can leave?'""On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack's visit attracted large crowds AND doubled the black population of Montana.""John McCain is the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain's only protection is the life insurance he bought from Wilford Brimley.""The Pope announced that during his visit to New York City this month he will visit a synagogue. When asked why, the Pope, 'I want to perform for a crowd that hasn't heard my material before.'""According to a new poll, 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. The other 19% own gas stations.""A new study has found that people with a TV in their bedroom are likely to have weight problems. The study found that this even more true if the TV in your bedroom is resting on a refrigerator.""7-Eleven announced that it's going to start offering its own 7-Eleven credit card. The 7-Eleven credit card is for people who are not comfortable walking around with Slim-Jim money.""Today, the Olympic torch relay was interrupted so many times by protestors that organizers took the torch on a bus for final part of the run. By the way, it's now called the Olympic Burning Bus.""Canada just announced it may boycott this year's Summer Olympics because of China's treatment of Tibet. When asked about the boycott, Canada's Prime Minister said, 'I'm very angry at China plus we suck at summer sports.'""It's been reported that John McCain once got so angry at his wife during a public appearance that he called her the worst name you can call your wife. That's right, he called her 'Hillary.'""General Petraeus, the top general in Iraq, testified on Capitol Hill today - and he was questioned by Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Obama and Clinton both had the same question for Petraeus: 'Are you by any chance a superdelegate?'""The producers of the Latin Grammy Awards announced that the show is moving to Houston. The Latin Grammies plan to get to Houston by sneaking over the border from Mexico.""The New York Post is reporting that the store Linens 'N Things is headed for bankruptcy. A spokesman for Linens 'N Things says: 'We've been selling plenty of linens - but not nearly enough things.'""The latest rumor is that CBS may shut down most of its news department and outsource its newsgathering to CNN. A CBS executive said, 'We want to grab that hot, young Larry King audience.'""Nicole Kidman and her new husband Keith Urban have bought a home in California just blocks from former husband Tom Cruise. Cruise probably will never see Kidman though because all around her house she built a 4-foot fence.""Last night in New York, Elton John held a fundraiser for Senator Hillary Clinton. Things got off to an awkward start when Hillary and Elton showed up wearing the same pantsuit.""The Elton John benefit concert was a huge success raising $2.5 Million for Hillary's campaign. Elton sang all of his biggest hits for Hillary - except for 'The Bitch is Back.'""During a speech President Bush urged Chinese leaders to talk to the Dalai Lama and called him 'a really fine man.' Bush said, 'I used to be reluctant to meet with him - then I found out he's not a real llama.'""This week in San Diego, a group of openly gay republicans are holding their national convention. The gay convention is just like the regular convention - except instead of super-delegates - they have super-fabulous-delegates.""A new survey says that the average man in a relationship decides to propose to a woman 2 years, 11 months and eight days after their first date. By the way, the average woman in a relationship just wrote that down and got out a calendar.""A 70 year-old man was arrested for attacking an 81 year-old man at a Wal-Mart in Florida. Because it's in Florida, the 70 year-old man will be tried as a juvenile.""It's being reported that singer Ashlee Simpson has gotten engaged. Friends say: 'Ashlee wanted to find a guy who's not threatened by her talent - and luckily, it didn't take long.'"