I know NBA All-Star Weekend is probably the best of all the All Star games, but damn. I know I should be more eloquent than that, but I think ‘damn’ pretty much sums it up.

Anyone who thinks they would recognize any of these dudes in a grocery store gets 10 #TeamUs points. Not only are these random guys no one cares about, this year the NBA upped the ante and also grabbed random guys from teams no one cares about. How about a shitty player from a major market NBA? What? There wasn’t a Bobcat available? A New Orleans Hornet couldn’t get any love? So this was pretty much set up for disaster from the beginning, then this guy won.

I’d tell you his name, but:

1. I don’t know it.

2. It does not appear on the trophy in the picture above so I don’t know it.

3. I refuse to Google it.

So some random dude from the Utah Jazz won the dunk contest because America thought this dunk was really impressive.

He did a tribute to Karl Malone but awkwardly jumping over Kevin Hart dressed as a Mailman. Get it? Mailman. That’s what they called Karl Malone. Creativity! For those of you who don’t know, Kevin Hart is a little over five feet tall. Meaning, I could dunk over Kevin Hart…on a 9 foot rim…you’re gonna give me time to stretch and warm up right?…I mean I wouldn’t want to pull anything…or hurt him…he’s a very busy dude…I don’t want to injure him and have him doing stand up, sitting down…would that even be stand up anymore?…would he be a sit down comedian? I say all that to say this, I wasn’t impressed.

As far as I’m concerned this dude might as well have won the dunk contest.

It’s about as random as what actually happened.

Here’s my real issue with the Dunk Contest is the people who say “The dunk contest isn’t good anymore” and “It used to be better before”. At this point, what damn dunk contest are you people talking about? People are acting like there was a golden age of dunk contests that we could get back to if only they would tweak the rules a little bit. The dunk contest started in 1976, then yearly in 1984, so in the last 28 years there have been about 5 good dunk contests. Dr. J from the free throw line. Jordan vs. Dominique Wilkins. Spud Webb. Vince Carter, honorable mention to Dwight Howard for getting creative and doing it big man style, and Dee Brown for the original Reebok pump dunk.

What are you missing? Do you really want to see Kenny “Sky” Walker? Brent Barry? Cedric Ceballos? You loved the old dunk contests because you were five, not because they were great. You grew up. Sportscenter airs 5 dunks a night that look better than the stuff on the dunk contest every single day. Hell, there were about 10 dunks last night in the All Star game that impressed me more than stickers and jumping over motorcycles. Go back to the Vince Carter dunk contest. He didn’t need much gimmick, he just jumped up and dunked HARD. Blake Griffin gets it. (although he only jumped over the hood of that car) Russell Westbrook DEFINITELY gets it. (He looked like he was trying to hurt someone last night.) At this point, we might as well give the dunk contest trophy to the guy who gets off in the All-Star game.

Finally let’s talk about the dunk fails. Like random Indiana dude. Decided to go with the Dwight Howard sticker dunk. This time with Larry Bird faces.

Why are there two Larry Bird faces? Because dude missed the dunk about 7 times. By the end, he was just pretending to stick a sticker to the backboard and he still couldn’t hit the dunk. It was just sad. Somehow that double Larry Bird head really freaks me out though. There was also this one.

Tell me this. Why do we think Kendrick Perkins should be embarrassed when he gets dunked on by Blake Griffin, one of the best dunkers ever during a game when he was just trying to go over on help defense, but this is okay? Diddy just getting sacked by some random white dude? The look on Diddy’s face is pretty priceless too. That picture is just going to be on the internet forever. He’s lucky this picture is so awesome that it cancels the dunk picture out.

I’ll never get tired of that.

So let’s just all agree the dunk contest sucks and let it go at this point. I’m sure there is a six year old out there with no access to YouTube who thinks that glow in the dark dunk last night was the coolest thing he has ever seen in his life. Let that guy have his moment so he can bitch about how much the dunk contest sucks in 2031.