Thursday, December 17, 2009

For the past few weeks I've been in an emotional roller coastery not so joy ride.

My self image has been suffering.

It's been really cold out and my ass has been cold and last night while I was in the tub and (yes I KNOW how silly this is) trying to roll my abdominal muscles in a certain way it hit me.

This whole pants thing is not new.

It's not new to my fat body because I have Always Had Problems with Pants.

Always?

Always.

When I was a size 5-7 for I dunno about a year or so I had two pairs of pants. One pair of Mudd mid rise dark blue slightly bootcut jeans and one pair of black jean style pants that were a weird poly blend of bullshit.

At that size I tried clothes on with impunity, I tried them on everywhere and had this SAME MOTHER FUCKING PANTS PROBLEM.

Up until my mid twenties I really did not have many pairs of pants at one time. One reason is that I really prefer skirts and dresses. The other reason is.....finding pants that fit is epic.

All this time I have been in such an angsty angry bad place. That bad feeling like there is something just wrong about my body ebbed and flowed tidally. Even looking at some of the ill fitting ass covers I have I felt upset inside. Not the kind of up top of the brain upset but the worse (for me) insidious kind that hides behind every day bullshit and then SURPRISE it's right there and I'm upset.

Last night while looking down my naked body I realized that the problem is proportion.

My body is not proportioned in a way that makes pants shopping easy. It never has been and will never be.

I had to really lay there (until the water got cold and I had to refill) and let it sink in.

I won't bullshit you guys and say I'm totally over it because I'm not.

It's still a rough thing, it feels bad. I'm not as miserable as I was but it's still hard.

However.

There are things that make it better.

At Uniballer's behest we are having a very Old Navy holiday. We got ourselves some really nice things. I got some of the shirts I love from there and a clearance dress. he got some nice pants and it's good.

RH sent me the most lovely present from Torrid. Those Dickie's pants.

Oh the pants.

I squee'd so loud when I opened the box and tried them on.

HOly fucking SHIT DICKIE'S WHAT THE FUCK?

Those super cute pants that are supposedly mid-rise.

Um.

Those pants, seriously have about a 3.5" rise. I'm talking the waist band came just over the top of my fucking pudenda.

Um...what WHAT?

I called Torrid because the picture is misleading, they look midrise on the model who is probably 5-6" taller than I am and so reason says the rise would be fine.

I was appalled. Honestly.

Even if I were thin, pants with a just barely covers the cooch kind of cut are not for me. So I'm going to trade them in for something else. I also sent a note to Dickies.

Hi there. I was given a pair of your Dickie's girl for Torrid boot cut twill pants. I have to say the fit on them is appalling for something marketed for a plus size customer a very very low rise, small thigh and short/no butt room is a really poor representation of your brand. Torrid was under the impression that this was a mid rise pant which they are clearly not unless mid rise now means just above crotch level, the rise is shorter than my middle finger. Please -please- in the future give Torrid correct information as it is really disappointing to get something so off from what you're expecting. I have been wearing Dickie's brand clothes for a very long time and have never had such an issue with anything made by your company. It would be really nice to see a well cut pair of Dickie's pants (Personally I like the style of the Torrid pants the fit and pattern are the issues) that allow room for things like butts and thighs. As a consumer I will probably not be buying more of your products any time soon and I'll be letting other plus size consumers know about my experience. I think that the plus size options directly from you are incredibly limited and unfortunately is not a good representation of your brand. If you don't want to make plus size clothes just don't, it's better to not have any than to make them badly.

I feel better.

Moving along.

Now that I'm on the emotional mend tomorrow advice for two homies.

And more advice.

Probably some end of year naval gazing.

As for me I'm going to drink some delicious tea and plot for spring. And after Chrismakwanzukuh plot to go buy some leggings and things to keep warm.

Remember I love you guys.

I really really do and I'm so thankful so many of you are so awesome. You too lurkers.

7 comments:

I really think it's worth remembering that this whole "mass production of clothing" concept didn't suddenly change the wonderful diversity of human bodies. In order to make it happen, we basically have to ignore the reality that people's bodies vary.

It's not us. Really. Ever. And it isn't even about being fat or not. It's about being human and not, y'know, car parts on an assembly line.

I so relate to the pants thing. It's one of the main reasons I decided I'm far to deep to care about silly things like fashion *sniff*.

Even when I was 5'10" and 120 pounds back in high school I couldn't find pants that fit. Not only are my legs longer than manufacturers believe women's legs are, but my butt is both wider and flatter than is common, so pants have always sagged at the bottom of the bottom regardless of whether they were the right size or not.

I tried the Buns of Steel video. I tried dieting like crazy. I tried an all skirt wardrobe and a long-sweater wardrobe. Finally I got old and fat and stopped giving a shit. Mostly.

Wow, wow, wow, I can completely relate to this post! I am short and curvy and completely MADE of hips and ass. And yes, it makes clothes shopping tough. Since I went from a size extra-small to a size large in a year or so, I was pretty much *forced* to realize that I will have more-or-less the same damn proportions, regardless of what I weigh. If anything, getting fat-ish has made it *easier* for me to buy clothes, because my tummy finally caught up to the epic hips and ass. Go figure.

But yes. I completely sympathize with your ass-cover struggles, and hope you have a fantastic new year!!!

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I'm Shannon. I write lots of things. I blog about fat, race, sex and shiny things and intersections and whatnot in my personal blog which you can find here. Also in my blog I am open to giving advice of all sorts if you need it. I am also an author of poetry things, fiction things and non fiction things. You can find all of my available things to read on the internets. Before I give you a link be aware that I am Queer. As. Fuck. I write erotica, I write things that may or may not either turn you on or offend you. Don't be mad if you read something here or elsewhere written by me that upsets you. Consider this your warning. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Other things.

I like fashion. I am an Aging Goth. I am frequently very silly and cheeky. I am also frequently dead ass serious.

You can always ask me questions about anything I am pretty open. However, I do not promise to be nice nor will I do research for you.

I am not always work safe and often forget to tag things safe or not safe for work.

This is not a statement, I frankly just forget. When it comes to trigger warnings as well I try to remember but often don't.

I like pie. I love boots, as in I have a bit of a boot fetish in the crotch tingling way. I am kinky. I am weird. I am probably offensive to someone 80% of the time. We can talk about that if you need to but per usual I don't promise to give answers that make people happy.