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I LOVE TELEVISION

When it comes to this week’s lineup of television options … I HAVE QUESTIONS. And not “rhetorical” questions either. These are more like “I demand ANSWERS” sort of questions. For example, why am I always finding used condoms on the sidewalk? This is not rhetorical … I really want to know! Are YOU one of those people flinging their used condoms around? Well … you should stop! I mean, it’s one thing to step in dog poop or gum – though annoying, at least I can understand how they may have gotten there. But almost breaking your neck after slipping on a used condom? It’s simultaneously gross, confusing and life-threatening!

Allow me to belabor the point: Let’s imagine I’m having sexual coitus with you on a street corner – which has only occurred with maybe 20 percent of my readership … but bear with me. Upon successful cessation of this coitus, I would never lackadaisically fling my condom on the ground for the following reasons: 1) Littering is wrong. 2) Police would finally have the DNA evidence they’re looking for. And 3) You wouldn’t have a souvenir to take home. (While we’re on the subject, it’s also not cool to sell celebrity used condoms on eBay – especially if you’re not offering the celebrity a cut of the profits.)

SO STOP WITH THE CONDOM-FLINGING, ALREADY. Either wear it home, wrap it discreetly in a tissue before disposing of it, or do like I do and carry around your used-condom collection in a Knight Rider thermos. THANK YOU! Now … where was I … oh, I HAVE QUESTIONS (and not just of the prophylactic variety, either). These questions are all about the baloney debuting on TV this week, AND I DEMAND ANSWERS! For example:

• Survivor: Micronesia – Fans Versus Favorites(8 p.m. Thursday, Feb. 7, CBS). In this show’s 16th season (!), 10 “fans” of the show compete against 10 “favorite” former cast members. QUESTION: Can you really call a group of people “favorites” when you despise them with every atom of your being?

• The Bone Eater(9 p.m. Saturday, Feb. 9, SciFi). In this TV movie, a corrupt land developer unwittingly unearths an Indian burial ground (oopsy!), releasing an ancient bone creature who apparently really loves eating bones! QUESTION: Does this sound as dirty to you as it does to me?

• Lipstick Jungle (10 p.m. Thursday, Feb. 7, NBC). Yet another Sex and the City rip-off, this time starring Brooke Shields and two other no-name gals. Here’s an actual quote from the show’s press release: “Armed with humor and strength, these three modern New York women support one another through the triumphs and tears that are all part of making it big in the Big Apple.” QUESTION: This show is the equivalent of a used condom – SO WHY ARE THEY FLINGING IT AT ME?!

Dispose of your prophylactics properly. steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, Feb. 7

8 p.m. CWSMALLVILLE

While working for the Green Arrow, Chloe gets her ass handed to her by the Black Canary!

9 p.m. ABCLOST

After they threaten to chop off Jack’s head, the castaways question their rescuers’ intentions.

FRIDAY, Feb. 8

9:30 p.m. VH1FREE RADIO

Debut! Comedian Lance Krall heads this improvised comedy about a deadbeat radio station.

SATURDAY, Feb. 9

8:30 p.m. ABC CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

(Movie, 2005) Johnny Depp takes over the Gene Wilder role in this less-successful take on Willy Wonka.

9 p.m. SCIFITHE BONE EATER

(Movie, 2008) HEY!! Who ate my bone?!?

SUNDAY, Feb. 10

8 p.m. CBSTHE GRAMMY AWARDS

Striking writers have been given the go-ahead to write for the Grammys – who wants to bet it will be WORSE?

10 p.m. AMCBREAKING BAD

Walter and Jesse learn an important lesson about pouring acid over a dead body in the bathtub.

MONDAY, Feb. 11

9 p.m. FOXTERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES

Agent Ellison comes across something that looks strangely like a Terminator ass-kicking scene.

9 p.m. VH1FLAVOR OF LOVE

Season premiere! Strangely, Flavor Flav still hasn’t found the girl of his dreams … so … bring out the new set of skanks!

TUESDAY, Feb. 12

8 p.m. USAWESTMINSTER DOG SHOW

It’s the closing night ceremonies to find out who exactly is the world’s best bitch.

9 p.m. CBSBIG BROTHER

Season premiere! Yet another gang of douchebags move in to the Big Brother house. (FREE JULIE CHEN!)

WEDNESDAY, Feb. 13

8 p.m. FOXAMERICAN IDOL

The 24 semifinalists are announced – so start looking for naked pictures of them on the Internet … NOW!

9 p.m. ABCSUPERNANNY

Jo goes toe-to-toe with the parents of six little monsters. (Good thing she’s got her shots.)