NFL players and owners are meeting again today for another round of tense collective bargaining negotiations. You’re probably bored with all the legalese coming out of these negotiations: “revenue sharing” and “escrows” and “Easterbrooks” and all those other horrible phrases. You’re not some lawyertician, dammit! You’re just a common fan! You drink beer and fingerblast women and stuff! You don’t have time for any of this mumbo jumbo! You just want someone to put this fight into plain English. Very plain English. Preferably restricted to one or two syllables per word.

Well, fear not. For we at KSK have sat in on a few rounds of these negotiations, and I dare say we can help give you a clear, concise idea of just the differences are between the NFL owners and players. Join me as I take you through… THE STICKING POINTS.

KSK’s proposed solution: Split the lunch money into a pool, with 45% going to the players and 55% going to the owners. If the lettuce wraps are proven as delicious as promised, the owners agree to flip that percentage on Thursday. If the owners can’t agree to that, then everyone is on their goddamn own for eating options. We’re going Monster Sushi. You with us?

KSK’s proposed solution: South American hookers. Many of them have that nice dark complexion that you get with Asian hookers, but the ample backsides that so many of today’s players covet. Plus, many dye their hair blonde, so you get the thrill of nailing a white woman, but without all the pesky sexual inhibitions.

Sticking Point #3: “The King’s Speech”

The owners: Loved it.

The players: Holy fuck, that was boring.

KSK’s proposed solution: Let’s just agree that it was a nicely made film that catered to a more staid moviegoing audience. There’s no need to get snippy about it either way.

Sticking Point #4: Cats In The Conference Room

The owners: In favor. Dan Snyder never sits in on a bargaining session without his favorite stroking cat.

The players: Opposed. Cats are for bitches and shit.

KSK’s proposed solution: The owners should cave to the players on this matter. Having a cat in the room could violate numerous building ordinances. Also, cats are gay.

Sticking Point #5: 18 Games

The owners: In favor. Don’t you see? We’re just replacing two preseason games with two regular games. The number of games stays the same!

The players: Do you really think we’re that fucking stupid?

KSK’s proposed solution: We don’t give a shit. Just please, for the love of God, don’t do that thing we read about where they play sixteen regular season games but stretch out the season an extra two weeks (Adding extra bye weeks) to increase TV revenue. We’ll fucking die if you do that.

Sticking Point #6: Pluots

The owners: So wait, what’s this? It’s a plum? It looks like one of Saturn’s moons. We don’t like it.

The players: It’s a plum AND an apricot, and it’s delicious.

KSK’s proposed solution: We suggest the players cave to the owners. We do not care for hybrid fruits, which the notable exception of the Meyer Lemon.

Sticking Point #7: Owners In The Huddle

The owners: Oooh! Oooh! Can we can we can we?

The players: Fuck no.

KSK’s proposed solution: Give the owners their own outlined standing box on the sideline. The box should be six feet long and three feet deep, and it should come employed with a buzzer that the owner can use to signal to the FOX booth to let them know that they should close up on the owner, for he is most displeased.

Sticking Point #8: Concussions

The owners: Well, you were cool with them in our last agreement!

The players: We were?

The owners: Yes! Don’t you remember? And you said you wanted to buy us a new fireplace.

The players: Really?

The owners: Scout’s honor.

The players: Shit. We don’t remember that. No. We were too busy trying to dig the worms out of our eyes. Why is it so bright in here? Where are we?

Owners: You guys are still using them, right?
Players: Oh absolutely.
Owners: Good. No issue here.

03.08.11 at 2:40 pm

BitterEli

I suspect that Jean Gray disapproves of your solution in Sticking Point #4

03.08.11 at 2:41 pm

Destructo-Beam

I’m with the players on pluots. Them shits is delicious.

03.08.11 at 2:45 pm

Animal Mother

Sticking Point d. – Idiot owners

Owners: Whatchu takin bout Willis?

Players: It’s great you made a fortune selling, buying, whoring, shoving things in your rectum, etc. but that does not mean you know shit about running a football team. HIRE PEOPLE!! People who know what they are doing in a football organization! You know, like you did in the place where you made your fortune.

Oh, and stay the fuck off the side line.

03.08.11 at 2:46 pm

Rodger

Agreed. Pluots are the money fruit. I am totally with labor on this.

03.08.11 at 2:48 pm

Starburied

Sticking Point: Rape

The Players: One allowance per season (Florida is exempt – Rape is legal)
Subclause: Retroactive statistics are implemented. (Roethlisberger not allowed an accusal until 2013. Sanchez is not penalized if victim is 18 years of age or older)

The owners: take care of our sweet Petey! He works so hard scrubbing our balls and washes our asses to make we look like the white knights that we are to the football-interested public. Moreover, we could never navigate the Northeast corridor via the Acela or be forewarned of which hotels will extort you by charging for coffee or the use of an elliptical machine without his priceless insights.

The players: you mean that fat fuck who gets eggnog latte residue and cheese puff dust all over our gear and harasses us for our cell phone numbers so that we can talk about “stuff”? Fuck that guy. And we do not appreciate his coming into the locker room after every game to look around the showers and evaluate how many “Favres” each player’s dong is. He said I’m a full 3 Favres in length and 2.5 Favres in girth. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?!

KSK Solution Fuck Peter King. It’s more fun to read him bitching about how his unending sense of entitlement has gone unfulfilled and then have BDD eviscerate him in the weekly PK takedown. But keep the “Favre” as a measurement of dong size, because it serves as a constant reminder that Favre is “just like a little kid down there” and makes us all feel like bigger men.

03.08.11 at 3:09 pm

GTF

I’m cool with extra bi weeks and a longer season. In fact that sounds perfect.

03.08.11 at 3:10 pm

Brutus Ballsack

Sticking Point #TENISH – QB Safety

Owners – for – want their high priced investments and TV draws protected.

Players – against – want to kill those nancy bastards.

Brady and Manning – Want to be able to call penalties on defenders themselves for hitting too hard and interceptions.

03.08.11 at 3:12 pm

miamidiesel

Sticking Point #12: Retired Players

The owners: fuck ’em. They contributed $0 in revenue last year. Let them pay for their own hospice care, wheelchairs, CAT scans and psych evals.

The players: $0 in revenue? That’s some heavy bullshit. Co-signed on that fuck ’em.

KSK Solution: cross fingers, hope that brain damage and dementia among retired players doesn’t trigger downfall of the NFL because people realize that Malcolm Gladwell is a fucking douche and ignore his efforts on resolving this problem

You know for once I have to side with the owners. Asian hookers are definitely the way to go.

03.08.11 at 3:40 pm

StuScottBooyahs

I don’t even care. I just want to know what’s going on in the top photo.

03.08.11 at 3:50 pm

FavreFAIL

@Lisa I would have to agree with your assesment.

Sticking Point #15: Shitty sitcoms on Fox and CBSOwners: We love them! They provide great ambient noise, and do nothing to offend our cloistered, conservative sensibilities. Plus, the laughing tracks let us know when to chuckle! It makes things so easy!
<Players: Fuck that boring shit. Our fans deserve better than endless ads for the networks’ uninspired crap that they call TV programming. If the networks wanna carry our games, they need to have good shit, like The League, following afterwards, not some corporate bullshit like Undercover Boss. And bring back Arrested Development.KSK’s proposed solution:We propose that Chuck Lorre be used as James Harrison’s tackling dummy for a day. Should solve most of the problem.

03.08.11 at 4:23 pm

Slash

I haven’t read this yet, but if there isn’t a door flying open at some point, I’m going to be extremely disappointed.

03.08.11 at 4:24 pm

Otto Man

You all can rave about Pluots all you want, but I refuse to recognize it as a planet.

03.08.11 at 4:36 pm

cutler's lover

eliminate 2 preseason games, add 1 real game, play it on a “neutral field”. Means more games in London/Europe, a couple in Canada, Mexico and parts of country with nice college stadiums.

03.08.11 at 5:39 pm

q23

@GTF
Especially if it means playing the super bowl on the day before Presidents Day

03.08.11 at 6:27 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Sticking Point #Exty-Ex:

Two dudes in a threesome. Is it gay?

Owners: Only if the balls touch.
Players: Absolutely and unquestionably. There is never any need to split a girl between two guys.

The debate rages on!

03.08.11 at 6:34 pm

Nerd

You know, I was 100% with the players on this until I found out they liked PF Changs and Pluots. Blech!

Seriously though, I’m all for the 2 bye week solution and 1 week longer season. More meaningful football on TV, less chance of sheer attrition determining the outcome of the season or cutting careers short. And if they plan things right they could have all the Thursday games with teams coming off bye weeks, which is both more fair and will lead to better football being played.

WAIT! I have not seen EITHER position on midgets! WTF? We know owners like them for entertainment value and servants, the players’ position is thus to be far whether undisclosed, does anyone know this beside insider Mort?

1. Should they have full health coverage?
#. Should there be rules about bowling?
a. What about asian hooker midgets?
14. Will the midget revenue split be 37.2% to 78.5% take-home tips.

03.08.11 at 7:59 pm

Moose (Goodell's copy of Machiavelli's 'The Prince')

Cats can’t be gay; them mudderforkers reproduce second only to rabbits.

….Oh, you mean…. sorry

03.08.11 at 8:01 pm

Moose (Goodell's copy of Machiavelli's 'The Prince')

Oh, and the first picture; that man is being treated for the dick pox he got from “sleeping” with Snookie. I had to research this.

03.08.11 at 8:22 pm

Otto Man

Fruit: Marionberry.

I was going to try the marionberries, but the bitch set me up!

03.08.11 at 8:28 pm

Moose (Goodell's copy of Machiavelli's 'The Prince')

Do marionberries go well with caramelized “powdered sugar”?

03.08.11 at 8:44 pm

hiox

After seeing Sticking Point #2, now I want hookers.

/Always wants hookers

03.08.11 at 8:55 pm

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

I thought the chicken salad looked like the best option on that sandwich platter.

03.08.11 at 8:59 pm

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

@hiox

Where do you come across hookers that you want?

The ones I see are all such disgusting skanks I wouldn’t touch them with yours.

Unrelated, but can we please have Jerry Richardson as a new Kharacter? I’m guessing that Drew or Ape could have a field day with that asshole.

03.08.11 at 10:53 pm

thats what she

@Starburied’s Sticking Point: the players should do what the owners have been doing for decades. If some little tramp tries to call rape after receiving an unwanted pickle tickle or bawdy finger blasting, just pay her off. And by paying her off, of course I mean brutally murdering her and burying her under the stadium.

Why do you think the turf under Paul Brown Stadium is so lumpy?

03.08.11 at 11:38 pm

Frigidevil

SO by the Kelso helmet you mean the stupid helmet from That 70s Show right? Because everyone in associated with the NFL needs one ASAP

@Gunner’s Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole; you are looking at the wrong hookers, err… hopefully anyway. I’m speaking (actually typing) of Charlie Sheen type (well, before he was fired anyway) that are paid piles of cash to be clean, good looking and keep da bidness on da down low. Now, I only know of their existance from second hand stories in far away hotels or bars, but it has to be true.

Drew, based on your lunch options I’m thinking you work on or around my block.

And the players really do love PF Chang’s. I’ve served the previous life Chad Johnson, Rudi Johnson, Shayne Graham (best tippers I’ve ever had, those three), Marvin Lewis and TJ Houshmanzadeh at the Chang’s in Cinci when I was in college. Additional bonus note: Joe Morgan really is a total asshole.

03.09.11 at 1:06 pm

Rodger

“Marionberry
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
This article is about the fruit. For the former mayor of Washington, D.C., see Marion Barry. ”

How droll!

03.09.11 at 1:41 pm

Stabby Pants

Scott Walker does not approve of these discussions.

03.09.11 at 4:11 pm

jackin'4beats

/Looking around for some Construda.

03.09.11 at 4:42 pm

Dread Pirate Roberts

Goddamnit KSK, stop making me sympathize with the owners! Seriously, lettuce wraps and pluots? The fuck is that?

And asian hookers will do fucking anything. Definitely yes to asian hookers.