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November 16, 2011

My Poly

To help me identify what I need to get out of a relationship and what
I'm willing to invest into a relationship, I have found the Polyamory Compatibility Questionnaire to be a useful tool in helping articulate my ideals. However, I am careful not to let my ideals dictate
my decisions since ideals are generally unrealistic in that they are
one-sided and exacting. So instead of trying to force my relationship to
fit my ideals, I determine where my ideals fit into the relationship
(through negotiation), including where I'm willing to compromise and
where I am not. (And I highly recommend everyone check out the
questionnaire! It can be a great tool for monogamous relationships, if
you disregard the questions directly related to poly.)

I have two goals for detailing my style of poly here:

1.
For my convenience. Since the PCQ is quite long and involved, having my
answers summarized is handy. (Though, the summary is fairly long and
involved as well. You've been warned. lol)
2. I realize that my
relationship choices are unconventional and not necessarily common
knowledge. Hopefully, this will give my f-list a better understanding of
what I mean when I say I'm polyamorous.

What follows is more
thoroughly explained in my PCQ answers. For brevity's sake, I can't
include all of it here and so some of the context may not be clear. If
there are any questions, I'm happy to answer them.

These are my preferences and not how every poly relationship works and blah blah blah.

Relationship Characteristics

A relationship consists of TWO people, even if more than two people are romantically involved. Each
pair should be able to relate to one another and set boundaries in
their individual relationships while taking into consideration the
limits of their OSOs (other significant other).

I define polyamory as the practice, desire or acceptance of having the capacity for more than one emotionally
intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of
everyone involved. It is consensual, ethical, and responsible
non-monogamy.

I do not need multiple partners nor must I
actively pursue them in order to be fulfilled in a relationship.
However, a relationship that encourages my individual growth will
include the option for non-monogamy since I do not subscribe to most
mono-normative thinking.

My ideal relationship is physically,
mentally, and emotionally engaging while encouraging individual and
collective growth. (This is more thoroughly explained in my PCQ.)

I am comfortable with pursuing for myself and
supporting my partners and metamours (my partner's partners) in their
pursuit of an unlimited number and type of relationships, from the
strictly casual to the fully-entangled. It is up to each person to decide how many and what
type of relationships they are able to maintain at any given time.
(Originally, this point read 'from the strictly casual to the
fully-committed.' Though, I hesitate to use the verbiage
'fully-committed' since it would suggest that I'm not as committed to my
casual relationships, which is untrue. Casual relationships require a
different set of commitments to which I am no less devoted than any
other type of relationship. So thanks to other polys, I have decided to
use the gauge of life-entanglement.)

Hierarchy
in my poly is descriptive, not prescriptive - meaning the label of
primary or secondary, etc is entirely pragmatic and denotes the level of life-entanglement, not the level of importance or the amount of love shared. I
prefer to allow a relationship to find it's own amount of entanglement
and to consider (with my partner) these labels as the relationship evolves.

There is mobility within these labels, ie: a primary could become a secondary and vice versa.

These
labels are not limited to a single relationship, ie: I can describe
more than one relationship as primary or secondary, etc.

Communication

When
dealing with a difficult situation, I communicate best when I've had
time to write down and analyze my feelings then discuss what I've
written with my partner. (This process can take a couple of hours to a
couple of days depending on the complexity of the emotions involved.) I
do not respond well to threats or ultimatums. I do not make threats or
give ultimatums. Also, I am currently learning more about Non-Violent Communication and will most likely work to make it my primary method.

The
disclosure agreement with my current partner regarding other
relationships involves being responsible for telling him anything that
is important to our relationship or that may affect our relationship,
ie: safer sex agreements with OSOs or when I've made other plans. He is
comfortable with hearing any other details that I'm willing to share and
he is encouraged to inquire about anything else he wishes to know with
the understanding that there is no obligation to share sensitive
information out of respect and privacy for my OSO, ie: explicit
descriptions of sex acts with any OSO.

I am comfortable with my
partner discussing our mutual issues with trusted confidants (who will
not broadcast said issues) whether that is a friend, relative, current
OSO, etc.

I avoid making rules in a relationship since they are
often set to dictate the actions of a partner. I know that I cannot
control anyone but myself. So instead, I describe boundaries based on my
needs and values along with the reason for the boundary so that a
partner will understand why it's there. The more specific the boundary
and reason, the better. So the rule 'Do not lie' becomes the boundary 'I
need communication that is open and honest in our relationship because
it provides me with XYZ.'

Exception: I will agree to/suggest
setting a rule to limit/allow a certain behavior under extreme
circumstances, ie: trust has been broken and must be rebuilt or one of
us is finding it extremely difficult to accept something new. However,
the ultimate goal of a rule will always be to work together to phase it
out by examining the need for the rule and reducing its restrictions at
agreed upon intervals.

Functioning in Relationships

I
consider myself to be new-to-poly. I spent two years exploring polyamory
intellectually before I started to identify as polyamorous 2.5 years
ago. My first poly relationship was with a husband and wife. My
relationship with the husband lasted eight months and my relationship
with the wife continued for a year and a half after that. During the
last six months of my relationship with the wife, I met my current
boyfriend of eight months who (currently) identifies as monogamous. He
is my first mono partner since I chose poly and I am his first poly
partner.

My ideal relationship will last for as long as I am
happy and my partner is happy within it. I don't believe the duration of
a relationship should be the deciding factor of its success or failure,
especially if we shared more joy than sorrow together. (The majority
of my relationships have ended amicably and I would consider them
successful for a number of reasons - the fact that they ended amicably
being one of them.)

I am not too fond of long-distance
relationships and do not function well within them. I would be very
reluctant to consider anything more than a casual relationship with
someone who isn't within an hour or two of me. I am not fond of the idea
of a live-in relationship, either. I value having my own space and
consider it essential to my happiness. (I should note that I have never
lived with a partner to whom I was fully-entangled so I am speculating
based on my personality and accommodation preferences.)

I am not a
religious or a spiritual person but can accept and date those that are.
(I enjoy intelligent discussions and hearing informed opinions,
especially when those opinions differ from my own because it affords me
the opportunity to consider another POV. For example, my current partner
and I have different political leanings and we have the most
interesting and engaging conversations on the subject. It's one of my
favorite features of our relationship.)

I am out to my family
about being polyamorous, but I am only out to one of my sisters about
being pansexual. The majority of my friends know that I am poly and
pansexual and the ones that don't know is for lack of opportunity. I am
not particularly set on withholding this information from anyone outside
of a professional relationship, but I only provide it on a need-to-know
basis. Just like I never introduced myself before with, "Hi! I'm
monogamous!" I see no reason to now exclaim, "Hey! I'm poly!"

Offspring

I
don't have any children nor do I plan on having any children, and I
would terminate any unplanned pregnancy. However, I love children and
enjoy being around them. (I work with and live with children.) I am
comfortable with a partner that has children or is planning to have
children (as long as it's not with me) and am willing to be involved in
the children's lives that corresponds to the type of
commitment I share with my partner, up to and including being referred
to as family.

I try not to use absolutes such as 'never' when discussing boundaries but there is little room for negotiation here.

Metamours

I
prefer to have some type of relationship with my metamours and for them
to have some type of relationship with one another. At the very least,
we must be willing to be civil and tolerate each other in our shared
partner's life. At most, I am open to becoming physically and/or
romantically involved with a metamour if that is how we connect and I am
comfortable with them becoming physically and/or romantically involved
with one another. I would be uncomfortable if I strongly disliked a
metamour or if a metamour strongly disliked me and I would want to
discuss the situation further with my partner and possibly the metamour.

I
am comfortable with an ex dating a metamour. I would appreciate being
made aware of such a relationship since I may want to discuss new
boundaries with my partner about what information I am comfortable with
being shared with the OSO that is dating my ex.

Conflict Resolution and Breakups

The
majority of my romantic relationships end amicably and the exes and I
have remained varying degrees of friendly (usually after a 'cooling off'
period, but said period is not always needed), which is how I prefer my
relationships to end since most of my romantic relationships begin as
friendships.