Even before the diarrhea-dipped clump of dick cheese won the presidency, several American celebrities prepared to slide the word “eh” into their daily vocabulary, because they vowed to run their asses off to Canada if he beat Hillary Clinton. But Corey Feldman is on the opposite side of that. Corey wants to stay in the country and he wants his Canadian piece/main angel to stay too. Corey is afraid that while rounding up Mexican immigrants, La Migra is going to pick up his girlfriend and slingshot her back to the land of authentic Swiss cuisine and Sandra Rinomato. So he put a ring on it.

45-year-old Corey tells People that he and his 27-year-old girlfriend, Courtney Anne, celebrated their 4th anniversary at Two Bunch Palms resort in Desert Hot Springs, CA over the weekend. While there, Corey asked Courtney to be his third wife. Corey says that he was so nervous to ask her that he decided to do it 7th grade homeroom-style.

Corey Feldman is an authentic artiste who pays attention to every detail, so I’m a little surprised by that proposal. That 7th grade homeroom-style proposal is all wrong. Corey needed to write that question on pastel-colored lined paper and he should’ve folded that paper into a heart shape. This is the kind of thing that happens when a tween of the 80s didn’t go to regular school. He didn’t learn highly important skills like how to fold a sheet of lined paper into a million shapes.

Corey says that he and Courtney never planned to get married, but with Evil Lord Trump winning the election, they’re afraid that new immigration laws will tear their love apart. Also, don’t worry, media, they’re going to throw a big wedding for you next year!

“She was very surprised, excited and started crying. She was surprised because we had both been so anti-marriage since we met. But seeing as she’s Canadian and with Trump coming in, we didn’t want to risk being separated by new immigration laws. We both know that we make a good team, and don’t want to be separated for any reason. So this is the best decision to protect our relationship.

We are planning a small, secret wedding just for family, very soon,” he says. “We will likely have a big public wedding for friends and media to attend within a year.”

Courtney Anne doesn’t have brown skin and her last name isn’t Hernandez, so she’ll probably be fine. On second thought…. if I had beady pussy lip eyes like Donald Trump (cut to Donald Trump grabbing his own eyes repeatedly), I would maybe mistake Courtney Anne for an Ivanka Trump look-alike. So with that said, Corey should grab Courtney Anne and run, run, run off to Canada before Trump divorces and deports Melania and forces Courtney Anne into marriage. Save Courtney while you still can, Corey!

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