A lot of the obsession and pain for me rose out of control. The desire to control. I would manipulate, scheme, plan, plot and maneuver...I was extremely controlling. The controlling stemmed from fear. If you had asked me if I had anxiety I'd have said no. It wasn't something I could even see until I was free of it.

If you can't give up control, then you need to discover what it is you fear. If you are obsessed with a person or situation or dream and have made it your redemption, you need to discover what it is that you're running from. Whether it is being alone, or being abandoned, or being hurt... the only way to overcome it is to face it, to have love come into those terrified places in you, and to release the fear. You have to go into those places and reject the deep-seated lies you have believed and are acting on.

You're going to vacillate between controlling and hiding, with a combo of both, until you overcome your fears and heal. I'll reiterate, if you haven't read them...Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and Wild At Heart by John Eldredge and The Journey of Desire by Eldredge... they have been essential to me. If you're still fighting the battle and losing, you might pick them up, get the workbooks... it is worth it.

k... hope that helps.

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

beach♀ MemberMember # 7533

Posted: 1:42 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009

awesome, Maia!!

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 1:54 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009

going to add this here as well. For canuckian. (spelling?)

this is about Agreements. I'm just cutting and pasting from another post of mine but I think it will help you.

For those WS's who successfully R and are in a happy marriage, do you still have feelings of love for the AP? Not that you would act on them, but over time do those feelings get less or are they always at the front of your mind?

If my wife and I do R, I struggle with knowing that those thoughts are there. We have never had a relationship with anyone else until she had her A. It is a difficult pill to swallow.

Do I still have feelings of love for OP?

Hell. No.

I can't respect him. I think he is a deeply wounded and sick person and I pity him. I MOURN for his wife and hope desperately she is okay, that his kids are okay...I hope he got help. Is that love? if so, then... that is the extent of it. I'd like to know they all are okay. That's more about hoping I did not totally destroy his W and kids than anything else. So that comes up now and again but other than that... nothing. If it comes up I pray for them.

I'll tell you something, I'm a Christian and I think that not all thoughts in our heads are ours. You know the little angel/demon on the shoulder in old cartoons? well, I believe that. I think we have external spiritual influences all the time. You don't have to agree with that and if you're not a Christian, you'll think I'm batso. But that is okay... laughing.

You can't dodge responsibility and say "the devil made me do it" I'm not saying that. But the thing is, when a thought is presented to your mind, you have the option of agreeing with it and continuing down the same thought-road or rejecting it and changing the channel. You're responsible for your choice in that... when you choose to keep thinking about a subject instead of rejecting it and switching channels, you're guilty. So you're not responsible for the reminder or the initial thought and shouldn't blame yourself or allow blame for something that occurs to you. It might not be just you. But if you respond to it with rejection, there is no fault at all. And you do have the power and the choice. Whether you agree with me or not about the spiritual side of it, I think that whole concept can be helpful. Don't make agreements.

ETA: When you stop making agreements... that little voice in you that says: yeah,
that is how it is.

and start making rejections:
no, I choose something else, in spite of my feelings, my feelings are not me.

then you'll start to see real change.

ETA:

that whole idea about your feelings not being the real you, that is really important too. Because if you think your feelings are you, you're going to stay stuck.

Your feelings are just the voice of your heart.

they are not you.

They will shout whatever you feed them with your thoughts, and run those thoughts through the filter of your old wounds and then come out the other side with a voice. But the true you is your -will- Your choices. The part of you that chooses. You can deny your feelings and make choices regardless of what your feelings are screaming. And -that- is who you are. The true you. The part of you doing the choosing is the true you. I think even feelings are um. Played upon and may not be totally you. But whether you think that or not, you DO have the power to make choices. Think of your feelings as being handicapped. Schizophrenic. Sick. Twisted. whatever. You can't trust them again until you get some healing. That is why you do what you know is right whether you want to or not, the wanting to comes later... because you can't -want to- till you get some healing. Untwisted. But the feelings are not a true reflection of who you are. Don't believe the lie that they are or it will keep you stuck.

anyhow, that is how I see things, hope it helps.

[This message edited by Maia at 2:05 PM, April 9th (Thursday)]

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

strugglingmomi4♀ MemberMember # 18015

Posted: 9:23 AM, April 10th (Friday), 2009

Just wanted to say THANK YOU for the post.... Ahhm looking forward to puting it to GREAT use.

Thanks Again

...Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do... But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength...

Posts: 277 | Registered: Jan 2008

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 8:56 AM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009

(((struggling)))

print. carry with you. really. or use index cards. Index cards are a great tool. If you have a helpful truth you can put it there, stick it in your pocket, carry it and when the triggers or obsessive thoughts come, pull it out and reflect on that truth, focus on it instead... it's a way to change the channel. I used to write down choices I had made and wanted to stick to, to remind myself of the choice. I remember locking myself in the bathroom and yelling at myself "YOU CHOSE THIS!!! YOU CHOSE!!!!!" and just reaffirming that choice.

some decisions have to made moment by moment.

okay, one issue I think I also want to say some thing about, it's just a little more on Agreements...

Wanting xAP to pay.

If longing doesn't trip you up, the next trap to hit you will be bitterness and hate.

Anything to get you to break NC.

you'll be tempted to find out how they are so you can find out if they are suffering too. It is curiosity but it is also... just ...revenge, anger. really. Or if you have forgiven then feelings of guilt (did you destroy them?) will come up.

again it is a ploy and trap.

But if you want to see them hurt...

The thing is you're being tempted to not give up your right to hurt that person. That is what forgiveness is, giving up the right to hurt him, to see them hurt like you. You have that right...an eye for an eye. But you have to release it.

It is yet another pit along this path. Choose to forgive and when the angry thoughts come then go back to what you have chosen (put it on an index card!!)...and reject those thoughts. Forgiveness is an act of the will and it will take time for your emotions to catch up, but it starts with your thoughts... what you agree with and reject.

agreements are big.

I'll just reiterate, go get books by John Eldredge, pick one. They will help. Doesn't matter if you don't share my faith, go get em.

peace guys!!!

[This message edited by Maia at 9:00 AM, April 15th (Wednesday)]

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 2:15 PM, May 7th (Thursday), 2009

bump for newbies.

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

retailtherapy♀ MemberMember # 23772

Posted: 10:19 AM, May 8th (Friday), 2009

Maia,

I've read your post numerous times.
It really helped me from the very begnning... I printed it and have it in my agenda.

Thanks!

D-day March 09.
NC for good April 28, 09.
A lasted just over 1 year. First EA/then PA. OM WAS my friend for years beforehand...Buh Bye..

My BH is incredible. I am so lucky to be given a 2nd chance.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Canadia- aka Canuck County

beach♀ MemberMember # 7533

Posted: 11:22 AM, May 11th (Monday), 2009

bump

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 2:03 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009

you're welcome, glad it helped. :-)

bump.

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

Calypso♀ New MemberMember # 23895

Posted: 4:58 PM, May 12th (Tuesday), 2009

Lots of food for thought in this thread. Thank you Maia.

Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2009

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 7:52 AM, May 13th (Wednesday), 2009

you're welcome. I also posted a "healing prayer" topic in Inspirations that has the Steps to Healing the Eldredges use in their books. It is excerpted from Waking the Dead. Prayed with a member from here last week over those and she is free. It was kickin. You have no idea how awesome.

anyhow. it's there too if you want it.

[This message edited by Maia at 7:58 AM, May 13th (Wednesday)]

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

imscared_k♀ MemberMember # 14061

Posted: 2:39 PM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009

bump

If your struggling, please heed this thread. We've been their done that, and made it through the other side.

Posts: 1059 | Registered: Mar 2007

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 11:02 AM, May 29th (Friday), 2009

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

musiclover♂ MemberMember # 23172

Posted: 3:12 PM, June 5th (Friday), 2009

Great post Maia. Thank you

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Ontario

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 10:06 AM, June 9th (Tuesday), 2009

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

Maia♀ MemberMember # 8268

Posted: 8:24 PM, June 30th (Tuesday), 2009

We will miss you Unicornsearcher. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

Posts: 6163 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: I am a Bluegrass-American

Iamsooscared♀ MemberMember # 24319

Posted: 9:43 AM, July 1st (Wednesday), 2009

Glad you bumped this - I recently lost a bunch of Word docs that had this and some other stuff saved.
This is such good reading. I find it really helpful.
Thanks Maia.

Me: Forgiven WW (40's)
He: BH (40's)
DDay 05/01/09 - see profile for details.
Kids - DD & DS
Working on R
Character: Its what you do when no one is looking.

Posts: 495 | Registered: Jun 2009

beach♀ MemberMember # 7533

Posted: 8:04 PM, July 5th (Sunday), 2009

bump for get mylifeback.

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest

beach♀ MemberMember # 7533

Posted: 12:56 PM, July 16th (Thursday), 2009

bump for princes pain.

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest

beach♀ MemberMember # 7533

Posted: 2:49 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009

Bump for Definitely pain.

If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.