Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

A bitch loves her Oprah. Yesterday, while waiting for the police to arrive and break up the Heathen convention behind my house, I settled in to watch Oprah interview Tom Cruise about his relationship with Katie Holmes...oh, and his new movie...and her new movie...yeah, and their possible marriage plans.

Tom, I get that freak vibe watching you paw that child. And Katie, if you're going to front with Tom Cruise to promote your irrelevant acting career at least dig deep and draw upon The Craft. I'm not buying it and video of you drawing away from Mr. Cruise as if he's got ass breath when he made to kiss you ain't helping.

Since The Great Marriage Battle of 2004, the institution has fascinated a bitch. Tom Cruise tends to mate for ten years then dump them around the same time his pre-nup reaches maturity. I've got to be honest; he's giving "marriage" a bad reputation. From the cultish intensity of his first marriage to the frosty drug-like haze of his second, Tom Cruise looks about as "in love" with his wives as a Vegas call girl trying to make her quota on a Tuesday night.

Hollywood Mating Tendencies that ABB is Tired Of

If you're fucking, just say you are fucking. Or don't. I don't really care, but all this "we're friends" bullshit is insulting. Note to celebrities - this bitch thinks the bulk of you hit it. That's cool and I won't judge you, but stop fronting about being friends!

Engaged in February, broken up by June, dating a new person by October and engaged again by February. This is has never been, isn't now and never will be the road to success. Straight celebrities are the only people I can think of who hit the U-Haul rental counter faster than lesbians. Slow down! Get to know a motherfucker's middle name through casual conversation!

Arm candy of the opposite sex will not do away with the gay/lesbian rumors. Arm candy with that "Someone please help me!" look in her eyes sure as shit doesn’t help. Former arm candy going on television looking well fucked for the first time in two years post-breakup...well, that's priceless! Nice try, honey bun.

Hollywood has seen some beautiful May-December romances. A bitch adores the Bogart & Bacall story. But, when it doesn't work, it is creepy. I feel like I'm watching a scene from China Town - The Sequel andI don't like it!

Oprah - stop kissing ass. Stop! Stop now! You are such a Star Fucker! Oprah - we all get up and take a shit in the morning. These are just people...who try to be interesting...and often fail.

A bitch almost gagged listening to Tom Cruise talk about marriage plans and Oprah gush. Are you people fucking serious? What happened to protecting the "institution" from attack? Wake up, because the real enemy is binging on the sanctity of marriage as I type!

But this shit is okay, right.

Because it's a man on woman farce.

Want to know how Americans really feel about marriage and traditional relationships? Check out Oprah's ratings yesterday. Or better yet, how about the ratings for this shit.

10 comments:

I'm bitter and pissed. I can't get anybody worth talking to to smile at me (crackheads obviously excluded), and when they do they would rather take me to Hardees than someplace nice. I swear, either quality men don't exist, or I am ugly and uninteresting as sin. All of these fools rushing to the alter deserve to loose half of their shit in the settlement.

This post officially made me an Angry White Bitch. What the hell is Tom Cruise doing with a little girl?

I just watched Tom Cruise on Inside the Actor's Studio (love TiVo). Katie Holmes is hardly older now than Cruise was in Risky Business. Makes me nauseous. Don't get me wrong, he's a cutie and can do whatever he damn well pleases. But you think he would realize when he's reaching a little too young.

Katie Holmes parents need to have her kidnapped and reprogrammed. According to a story on CNN she is converting to Scientology. The irony is that while Michael Jackson is on trial for pedophilia, Cruise gets to paw this child and make a Stepford out of her. I predict that in approximately 10 years (maybe less) Katie will be roaming the streets dazed and confused like Anne Heche after Ellen moved on, or maybe Margot Kidder on any given day. You get the picture. I know Nicole Kidman is somewhere laughing her narrow ass off. How much you wanna bet she signs a prenup without her lawyers looking at it? This is too tragic. While I'm on a role, I also predict there will be no natural children from this unnatural union because being height-challenged is only one of Tom's *short*comings.

Tom seduces people with the power of the NLP gobbley-goop he learned from the masters of manipulation at scientology. Katie Holmes is no match for him. His one perfect relationship was with Penelope Cruze. He was her merkin, she was his beard and they looked oh so fabulous together. Maybe she lost her nerve when he tried to drag her into the weird Eyes Wide Shut S&M stuff he's really into.