Dear Diary,

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

When I hear people talk or write about weight (both negative and positive) I often respond in the same way: I feel shame/guilt. I often read weight loss blogs, seek out success stories on instagram, and scan the web for new recipes and workouts. And each time, I leave feeling guilty. AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. Stories of people changing their lives and losing hundreds of pounds should invigorate me. It should cause me to gain a greater sense of determination, a sense of hope, and sense of desire to accomplish what they have done. Yet, time and time again I feel lost, guilty for not losing the weight like they did, and disappointed for eating the burger I ate for dinner the previous evening. Well that bad attitude and body shaming is over. I'm sick of feeling constant guilt over my "slip-ups" or for not running my mile in a certain time.

So today, today I am choosing to be proud. I am choosing to recognize the hard work and dedication I have put into changing my life. Truth is, this has been the hardest thing I have ever done. So many countless hours at the gym, countless failed attempts at "dieting", lots of reading nutrition labels, and many triumphs and failures on the scale. Some days are harder than others and I find myself in my bed with a bag of cadberry eggs. But today I'm not talking about that. Today, I am talking about the part where I decided to change my life for the better.

This weekend, I was going through some of my old things and I came across some of my high school dance pictures. I was shocked. I forgot how big I was. I forgot how sad, ashamed, and embarrassed I felt.

Today, though almost 60 pounds lighter, it would be a lie to tell you that I no longer still feel embarrassed, ashamed and sad. I just don't feel them as much as I used to. The thing people don't tell you about weight loss is that its hard to forget who you once were. It's hard to shake the feelings you once felt in a body that you once had.

But today, I am letting go of the embarrassment, the hurt, the pain, sadness, and shame. And I am choosing to be proud of where I am. I am choosing to be hopeful for the future and I'm choosing to be proud of accomplished goals along the way.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

I want someone to tuck my hair behind my ears and tell me
they love my freckles. I want someone who tickles me even though the very
thought of being tickled makes me cringe. I want someone who will build me a
fort equipped with twinkle lights and sparkling cider. I want someone who will
cook me crappy dinners in our crappy kitchen. I want someone who will booty
drop with me on a Friday night. I want someone who will drive long distances
just so they can see me. I want someone who loves their momma. I want someone
who ruins my lipstick-not my mascara. I want someone who kisses my neck,
because that’s my favorite place. I want someone who will go on target runs
with me and let me look at whatever I want for however long I want. I want
someone who will let me take ten zillion pictures of us. I want someone who
makes me laugh-and not the social kind of laugh, but the doubled over/tears
streaming kind of laugh. I want someone who will hold my hair when I puke. I
want someone who tells me I look sexy. I want someone who barbeques and rocks
an apron. I want someone who wants to hold my hand. Always. I want someone who
sends me good morning texts. I want someone who loves god. I want someone to
belt out love songs in the car with. I want someone to road trip with. I want
someone to share my blanket with. I want someone who will whisper funny things
in my ear. I want someone who hugs me, and hugs me tight. I want someone who
loves spontaneous adventure. I want someone who will share a sleeping bag. I
want someone who kisses my forehead. I want someone who lets me buy them
clothes. I want someone who opens my door. I want someone who loves father-hood.
I want someone who won’t judge for ordering a burger instead of a salad. I want
someone who will be my motivator. I want someone who wants to be with me more
than his guy friends. I want someone who will endorse my love of diet coke and
muddy buddies. I want someone who slow dances with me wherever, whenever. I
want someone who madly loves me. I want someone to fight with. I want someone
to pray with. I want someone to cry with. I want someone to love with.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

There is so much I wish I could tell you about your life and whats about to happen. I want to tell you what i've learned about you and what I wish I could have told you to make your life a bit easier. So, here goes.

TEN THINGS I WISH I COULD TELL MY 15 YEAR OLD SELF:

1. Stop with the hair gel already. People are going to think you are a lesbian. You know, its okay to actually let your hair down and have fun every once in awhile. Don't worry though, I have a feeling you are going to fall for a good friend of mine soon, Mr. Straightner. And man, he's magical.

2. Stick close with your true friends. Shiz is going to hit the fan real soon and those lady loves of yours are going to save your hind parts. Continue to serve them unconditionally and they will return the favor. Promise.

3. Boys never become less stupid. I know, it's a darn shame. Your friends are going to start dating and you may begin to feel the sting of loneliness and jealousy. Don't let that change who you are. It's ok to be the funny girl. Hot girls are overrated anyways.

4. You will find the courage to change and love your body. You will begin to love yourself and your body for what it is. Stop focusing on your weaknesses and start building your stengths. You'll thank yourself later. Trust me.

5. Gilmmore Girls is the best kind of medicine.

6. Stop spending so much money. College is a lot more expensive than you realize. I think you can live without those shirts from Aeropostle. You never wear them anyways. (And Aeropostle? Really Janie? Polo's look good on nobody.)

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

"The clinic has a policy. They wouldn't let me confirm my appointment
unless I designated an emergency contact person. Someone to be there,
just in case, and to help me home, you know, after. Anyway, I put your
name down. That's why I told you I'm pregnant. You're my "person."
-Christina Yang (Greys' Anatomy)

Well, this is my person. She is getting ready to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And boy, am I going to miss her.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

*New shoes. Normally my feet are abnormally ugly. Like they might possibly scare small children. Anyways, strap on a pair of cute Steve Maddens, and viola! They are magically spicy hot!

*Small children-mostly these small children. This is Greta, Harper, and Stella. Sometimes I feel like they are my own kids but in all actuality, they are just my cousins. They are some of my very best friends. Love them!

*Crazy hair+Crazy glasses+awkward self picture=this photo.

*Ok, so basically the new Batman movie has me all hot and bothered because of a few different reasons. Let me spell it out for you-Christian Bale+Tom Hardy+Joseph Gordon-Levitt=HOLY MOTHERLOAD! wow, glad we got that all figured out.

*This here is a little grocery store in a place called Grouse Creek. Now Grouse Creek is a little town made up of a few dozen hicks, all related to each other, living life in the middle of nowhere. If you like playing a mean game of horse shoes, dancing with your cousins, and sitting through a 3+ hour program all about your heritage, Grouse Creek is for you! Really, this place is the bomb diggity. Loooove it.