The “Borderline” Dress

— If the title sounds weird, please send your complain to my father, who used this definition at dinner last evening.

As sometimes happens, we both ended up late with work, so we were the last two at the family table, not that I have nothing to complain about. Anyway, we started talking about everything and, bittersweetly, even about my weight, which has weirdly been the centre of every conversation I have had during the holiday (are we really in a world where HEY YOU LOOK SKINNIER counts more than HEY YOU LOOK HAPPIER?).

There is something that I have never admitted. If you saw 3 photos of me, exactly 2009, 2011, 2013 you would see a difference. Basically from March 2010, after my mum’s death, I started gaining weight. Not that I have ever been skinny or anything, but before I was just an average girl, while after that I put on 8kilos. In 2012 my father met his current companion and since that hasn’t made me happy either 7 more kilos came with. Those 15kg, sometimes 12, sometimes 13, have been with me ever since July 4th, when I discussed my thesis at school. After that, I decided something had to change, but it took time, it took a new place to live, it took will and it took Chris.

Yeah, little useless parenthesis just to introduce you to the point. Basically, after about five weeks working out 7 days a week and eating healthy most of the times, I really wanted to buy myself something new for Xmas. I found this stunning outfit and even though it was a little tight, I wore it on that day. Everyone (except dad’s girlfriend) complimented me because I lost weight (the answer is YES we are) but even though I knew I looked great, that look didn’t make me feel great because I felt it too tight.

According to my father, that dress is still borderline. When you loose a couple more kg, like 3, it will be perfect. It felt bad. I mean, everyone complimented on me being fitter, but still 3 kg less would have been needed. So weird. I am on a high of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing anything specific, I didn’t become billionaire with a lottery ticket or anything, but I am feeling good. Pretty happy (except when a few people appear).

The thing is, when everyone asks how much weight I lost, I honestly don’t know. The weight I gave at the gym as a starting weight was the weight I thought I was after Corse, or maybe even before Corse. But, honestly I think I put down about 5kg. And now, about those 15kg, there are only 10, 9 to lose. But mostly, I gained CONFIDENCE. And I figured out confidence is the key to success, the key to my own happiness. And I gain STRENGTH. And I believe there is beauty in being a strong woman, physically ad mentally.

I had the courage, for the first time in my life, to pose for a bikini photo (underwear actually – you can see part of my favorite pic), the courage to let myself fall in love, the courage to pause, stop and be happy again. I had the courage to live. To feel beautiful. And there is no such feeling.

I'm Camilla, a full time student of International Studies, and a "lost-time" blogger. I love traveling (and mainly road tripping), writing on block notes as they did in the 90s, blogging about everything that goes through my mind, taking photos of food and sunsets, running on panoramic roads and trails, going to the gym when no one is around, biking around the city and drinking coffee with friends. Life is a journey, not a destination... Have A Safe Journey ♥