In So Much Pain

by Kim
(US)

“They” say that grief takes time, that the pain will diminish, that it will get easier, even if it never completely goes away. It has been almost six months, and time was, at first, somewhat kind. I was busy - - there was a lot to keep busy about, the services and the oncoming holidays. But, now is the most difficult and sad time yet. My body aches, and my mind doesn’t rest, and my heart bleeds. I sit and sob when I am alone, and it hurts so badly I can’t breathe. I am so tired all the time, I just want to sleep. I just want to be where where my husband is. I just want him back here where I am. He died in September - - a sudden cardiac death. I was so stunned, and am even more so now that I can barely function. He was 54 years old, we were married for almost 30 years, and we were falling in love all over again in our new life built for two. I still just can't believe he is gone. I miss him, I miss "Us" so much!

Comments for In So Much Pain

How can I say the right words? I wish so badly to comfort you. You are blessed that you are and were loved. I was married 29 years and thought I was loved but my husband found someone else to love. You can take comfort knowing how solidly you are loved by him and I hope very much you have family near to comfort you. With each passing day may the pain in your chest and tummy soften and may panic and hopelessness lessen with each passing hour. Above all remember God's words to you that he is very extremely close to those who are in dire pain. He will never ever leave nor forsake you. It is not our painful emotions that we are to rely on although it is our default....rather we are to rely on the truth of the scripture which is solid. Our emotions are not solid but God is. Cry out to God, dear one Remember how much He loves you. Then call family and friends daily they should understand and pray with you. Also find a wonderful pastor's wife that will listen and help you. I hope this helps for you are loved. This is what I have done since trying to take my own life in my grief did not work, obviously, and God kept sparing me for some unknown reason. Perhaps to try to help others that are grieving too. Sweetie, pray like crazy when you are crying and try to find someone to talk to quickly. God is tightly holding you even though you do not feel Him. He is ever present in time of need. Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. ....plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.

Mar 23, 2011

I Hear Youby: Patti

The finality of death ~ after the heart device was turned off. My husband lay so still ~ no color in his face. My heart literally broke in two. It felt like it turned inside out. My son, daughter and I just stood there..........Finally my son said, "Do we just leave now? What are we supposed to do?" I remember the nurse asking me which funeral home we were going to use? Funeral Home???? I hadn't even thought of that.

My husband of 37 years was gone. But he was supposed to be here for his little 2 and 3 year old grandsons. What will we do without him?Right now I'm just existing......waiting.....not feeling too much. It's hard. I pray and wait for the pain to go away. Is that too much to expect? I hope not. This isn't any fun living this way.

They say God has a plan for all of our lives. Why do some people seem to have more pain than others. I want to see the beauty of life again. If only...........

Mar 23, 2011

I too am in so much painby: Lynn

Oh Kim, i am in so much pain too. I am 42, within 4 years i lost my Mom, my Dad seven months before my husband and my father in law 3 months after my husband. All people i love and adore!

i got married to the love of my life my soulmate, the man of my dreams on July 11,2009. We celebrated our one year Anniversay and 2 weeks after that he was killed in a construction accident. I was awoken at 5am to my entire family and some friends on my porch to tell me. It has been almost 8 months and i hurt more now than i did initially. I am alone, we had no children together but i have 3 beautiful stepchildren that i get to see when they are available. His family who i thought loved me so much have alienated me and have done things so hurtful to me. I lost my home, and i live alone. I take benydryl at night when i get home from work to sleep the loneliness away. My family and friends just have no idea the pain and hell i live every day. I get people telling me that i should be doing this and doing that and when i should be doing and what i should be doing. The advice givers have driven me away. there are days i can not function. There are days i can. There are minutes that i can feel ok and than i burst into tears. I also just lost one of my friends and my husbands best friends last month who we all went to high school together and she was in our wedding. I am afraid and scared of every day. i wish to fall asleep and never wake up, i wish for a disease, or wish for something to happen to me so i can be with my husband again! I go to counceling every week and she tells me everything i feel and am doing is all part of grieving and i just have to go through it. But i don't want to. It all just hurts so much. I get up and go to work and by the end of the day i am done, i have nothing. I need to work so i put everything i have to do that. Sometimes all i want is to be left alone but i am so alone and lonely that i hate that as well. I wait for him to come home, i listen to his voice of messages i saved everyday and sometimes i can't listen. I look at his pictures everyday and sometimes i smile and sometimes i want to take them all down because it hurts so bad. I am not even speaking to one of my closest dearest friends because she told me i should have been at another friends son's birthday party and continues to tell me what to do and how to do it. I can't deal with know it all people. All i say is i hope know one i know ever has to experience this because until they do they will never understand. and have a right to judge me or give advice. And still can't do it because we are all different. I wish i could find some peace and i wish peace for all like me that have lost so much!

Mar 23, 2011

miss us by: Jackie

Hi Kim, it has been almost 6 months for me also. I am sorry for your loss. My husband of 37 years passed away in October. I know the pain and heartache you feel. It never goes away. I don't sleep and I just am existing day to day. They say that this intense pain and sorry will go away, I don't see that happening any time soon. I think of my husband every minute of every day. Please know that all of us that come here are in this together. Please take care of yourself. Hopefully one day we will see that we can move on and be happy again.

Mar 23, 2011

for Kimby: Mari

Hi Kim. I am truly sorry for your loss. Six months is not very long and you are still grieving. I realize the grieving time varies with everyone.I hope you have a friend to talk to about your feelings. Your feelings are very normal under the circumstances. God cares for you and He is the best friend you can have. Just stay close to him. Do you belong to a church where you can get spiritual comfort? What I am thinking is what you said about being busy and having some days that were not too bad. I went through that too.I kept a busy schedule. But I still miss my husband very much. My heart just aches at times. He passed away in Nov 2009. I now allow myself to grieve when the sadness hits but at the same time I know he suffered from his heart so much and it was just his time to go with the Lord.I miss him saying, ''I do love you, you know.''He was everything to me.I went to work and work at home too. I have been redecorating the house. I can say that I am better.But I have my moments. I miss his hugs.He would have adored the new great grandaughter. Keep posting because people listen and care. It helps to express your feelings. We are here for you.

Mar 22, 2011

Feeling the painby: Anonymous

I know, me too.

Mar 22, 2011

I understandby: Connie

Kim, I understand your pain and feel it every day. I also lost my husband due to sudden cardiac arrest on 2/12/10. I miss him so much and some days the pain is unbearable. Although I have all of my children living with me I am still so very lonely for him. We had been married just a few weeks shy of 32 years when I lost him. I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with my best friend and that is all gone now. It can be almost impossible to function on some days. I still see that dreaded day repeating itself in my head over and over again. Some days I have a small moment when I feel like my life is normal again and the in an instant I remember he is gone. I saw this site months ago and just kept ignoring it until one night I just couldn't stop crying and finally posted. I come here often to read and just reassure myself that I am not losing my mind. Tonight I took my rings off to clean them and when I had difficulty getting them back on I started to panic because there was no way I was going to go to sleep without wearing my rings. I finally got them back on and felt a wave of comfort. Please keep reading the posts because it will help. Seek a doctor's assistance for anxiety if needed before you slip into a depression that is deep. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Mar 22, 2011

in so much painby: jules

The way you are feeling and acting are unfortunately the way it is at this time. My darling husband has been gone 16 months - he died very suddenly - and I miss him every day. I too had times of no confidence, no motivation - I called it my vege brain - my mind felt like mush, couldn't make a decision. But coming on this site, reading the posts by others in the same boat, knowing that there are people here who support me and encourage me has helped immensely.

I now have more confidence, I know I can get a job, I know I am not worthless - I know I am capable - I just drove my car towing my caravan 3300k - on my own - and since that trip, I have made some subtle changes in my life - just small ones but significant to me. There was a time when I thought I would never take my wedding ring and engagement ring off my left hand - but I have moved my rings around (I wear 11 rings) - and now have my wedding band and engagement ring on my right hand - this is not for any other reason than I needed to show myself that I am a changed person - I am not a married woman anymore, I am a widow - a person on my own.

You will get through this, you will miss your husband every day, probably for the rest of your life - but you will become you - a new person - you can't be the old person any more - and you will go on.