Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Dear Henry:

The reason that I didn't write the past couple of days is because Mom and I went away together. We went to an island. It was really beautiful. You would have liked it. We went away for the first time since you were born. We used to worry about going too far and we had to cancel a lot of plans. Mom and I went in the water with snorkels and saw beautiful starfish and swam with a giant sea turtle.

We read a lot of books. I read a book by someone named Jonathan Safran Foer who went to the Gan, like you. He went to the Gan a while ago and was in Cousin Samantha's class. I was a little worried about Mom reading it after I was finished because a lot of people in the book die terrible deaths. But I gave it to her and when she started it I began a book written by a woman who lives here in Glover Park. Cindy, Yuri, Anna and Nicky Picky lived next door to her before they moved. Her name is Laura Hillenbrand. The book is really good. It about a horse named Seabiscuit. You would have liked it. There is a movie coming out soon that is based on the book. The story is about Seabiscuit, who was a great racehorse, and the man who owned Seabiscuit and the men who rode him in races. The man who owned Seabiscuit lost his son in an accident. That was in the very beginning of the book, but I didn't get too sad reading that. The doctors always told us that you might not grow to be too big, so I thought you could be someone who races horses. They're called jockeys and they need to be not too big. Or you could have been an author like Jonathan Foer. I don't think he had Liane as a teacher. I used to think you could be anything you wanted to be. On our vacation there were a few times where I started to think that now you might be anything I want you to be. Maybe you were the turtle who swam with us or one of the beautiful birds we saw. I don't really believe you are a bird or a turtle, but I get a strange/funny/good feeling sometimes when a bird flies up on the window sill or a squirrel shows up outside the kitchen. I think about you.

One of the other things we did when we were there was go sailing on a Hinkley yacht. It's a big sail boat. I asked Papa Sy if I could marry Mommy when I was onboard Uncle Andy's daddy's Hinkley. Papa Sy didn't know what to make of me and my wanting to marry Mommy. He almost marched me off the dock, where the boat was tied up, and into the water. There is a whole funny story that I would probably would have told you a million times. There are stories that kids hear from their parent's over and over. It is like the parents are making sure the kids know the history of the family. Mostly they are funny stories. Your life and your death are going to be very special stories that we tell Joe, and even Jack. I hope we don't do it so often the boys get tired of it, or too sad. We'll do it right.

When we met people for the first time at the place where we were staying Mom would explain that we have 3 boys aged 1, 6 and 7. I wonder what happens after your birthday. Will Mom say we have kids aged 2, 7 and 8 or will she say that our kids are 2,7 and 7 years old? Then people will think we have twins. How is that going to work. I'll just follow Mom's lead on this

I had a really good time on our vacation, which is what I say to people when they ask. What I don't tell anyone is that it really wasn't an easy trip for me or for Mom. Mom says that it was the first time that we didn't have to "pull it together" and be strong because we have to take care of Jack and Joe or be at our jobs. We could just let go. I was sad a lot and I even started having trouble sleeping like I did right after you died. I had nightmares and I would wake up and not be able to fall back to sleep. What was really hard was the thought of coming home and you not being here. I was excited to see Joe and Jack, but in the airport I got panicked that you would not be at the house. It happened to me when I was in the newsstand getting a magazine. It went away after a little while, but I was very scared. I really want to get to the time where thinking of you makes me happy not sad.

There is something wrong with Aunt Abby's back. She hurts a lot. Her doctor wants to do surgery tomorrow. She is worried that she won't wake up. I told her that your favorite thing was to take sleepy medicine. I don't know why I just said "sleepy medicine" when you always called it by its real name, "anesthesia." Maybe I was worried that I wouldn't spell it right. You loved to try the different flavors, which I think was just chapstick spread on the rim of the mask. If you were here you'd be telling Aunt Abby to go for the Root Beer and Bubble Gum flavors. She'll be okay.

She'll be strong like you. I'll be strong like you and for you now that I'm back.