Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Who didn't love 8 bit graphic computer games as a kid. I sure know I did. Yes Nintendo and Sega Genesis were great and easy to use but if you had a solid game for your PC computer, you knew you were in for the best home video game experience EVER. Here's my list of the top 10 computer games ever. I'm going prior to 1999 and the PlayStation explosion.

10.) Oregon Trail - The game that taught me about dysentery and cholera. Most people had this game or played it in elementary school. It was a pretty hard game to win, especially when trying to navigate with no food and theives ran off with your clothing. Some of the terminology in this game described my way off life senior year of college (grueling pace with bare bones rations). Very rudimentary graphics but I always got a morbid kick at seeing friends die.

Best Part: Seeing something like "Cousin Mike has a broken leg"
Worst part: Whenever you tipped over while trying the ford the river or caulk the wagon.

9.) Who Wants To Be A Millionaire - There was one night when I lived in Boston that a friend and I tried to beat the game and we used another friend on Long Island to help us out via a "phone a friend" feature. I think the $1,000,000 question asked who the purple teletubby was. All in all, a fun game to play and Regis Philbin was there to ask all the questions. Regis is my number 3 all time video game announcer behind Verne Lundquist in NBA Live 98' and Vin Scully in MLB 99'.

Best Part: The scary goofy music.
Worst Part: When you ask the audience and they give you the wrong answer...damn them!!!

8.) Shuffle Puck - An Apple 2 GS staple...the type of computer where you'd put a 3x5 disc into it. I can't remember all the characters but there was the really big fat guy with an evil laugh and an alien. I was terrible at this game.

Best Part: All of odd looking characters and their random catch phrases.
Worst Part: Losing almost every time I played this game.

7.) Mean 18 - I had this for my old Mac Plus (with a state of the art 5 inch black and white screen at the time). There was only one course but you could also design your own holes. I think my friends and I would play for skins here using real money even though we were only 13 or 14 years old.

Best Part: Its golf! On a computer!
Worst Part: The graphics looked like an 18 month old threw up onto a white paper plate.

6.) PGA Tour Golf - Since this was on a PC and could hold a little more memory, this was one of the first sports games with a real announcer. I don't think you ever saw a golfer, just your shots. The best part was when the announcer would whisper "this putt...will break slightly to the RIGHT". I think you could play 4 round tournaments but that was it. It featured cutshots using classic videos of golfers. The best was Craig Stadler on his knees on a blanket hitting a shot underneath a tree. That shot is illegal by the way.

Best Part: The whispering voice.
Worst Part: The putting was nearly impossible.

5.) Phantasmagoria- I'm not sure if anybody else had heard of this game and its sequel but it was about a couple moving into a haunted house and the husband going absolutely crazy and trying to murder you. It featured real actors from TV and there was brutal violence, gore, and even a rape scene. Yes, your husband rapes you during the game during a cut scene and there's nothing you could do about it. There's also a scene when the main character's (the wife) face literally gets ripped apart. The sequel was even more weird involving S&M clubs, aliens, and even more violence. Ironically, I loved these type of games.

4.) Murder In The 1st - This was another one of those games featuring real actors using green screen and not the more common computer generated character. This was in the "choose your own adventure" style but instead you play as a lawyer. A hard game to beat as the witnesses always clammed up if you asked the wrong questions. Some of the acting and cut scenes are just terrible but winning this game by getting a first degree murder conviction was the most satisfying thing I've ever accomplished in life just behind getting married.

Best Part: When the jury foreman says "we find the defendent, James Tobin, guilty as charged. Murder in the first degree".

Worst Part: When the guy who worked with the accused murderer gets nervous when you start intimidating him. He goes ballistic and calls you an asshole.

3.) The Beast Within - Gabriel Knight 2 - Another stop motion game about werewolves infesting a small town in Germany. You play as a detective trying to find out why children are disappearing Spread out over 6 discs, it was only like playing in a real movie. Plagued with bad acting, it had a really good story. Also featured lots of violence and gore.

Best part: Any werewolf scene was awesome but it took forever to get there.
Worst Part: This game took months to complete.

2.) Ripper - The only computer game to feature Christopher Walken, Jimmie Walker, Ossie Davis, the fat indian guy from the Indian Jones movies, and Karen Allen in the same game. The only game on this list I couldn't finish because there was one puzzle I couldn't figure out even with a cheat guide. The story played out as you being a detective for a murder but involves then budding virtual reality parts and impossible puzzle solving. I wish I could see Christopher Walken's bad line reading again.

Best Part: Christopher Walken in a video game?
Worst Part: You literally can't win the game.

1.) Red Alert - Command and Conquer. Possible the greatest game ever made (including the PS3 and XBox era). I would miss meals and spend hours on a single mission. The best was linking my campaign to my college roommates together (very old school considering it was 1999) to fight missions against each other. The connection always broke after 10 minutes though. Great cut scenes...the girl who tried to help you was crazy, dogs were vicious, and you always wanted to have at least 4 tesla coils guarding your base.

Best Part: The voices in the game are still ones I use to this day. "Engineering", "Building..." "Noooooo!!!!", "Repairing" "Affirmative"

Worst Part: It literally could take hours up on hours in a single session to build up enough man power to win a mission.

Monday, November 12, 2012

This is a semi-regular piece where I review my DVD collection in alphabetical order.

This will take me approximately 38 years to get through. Today, we look at The Abyss.

Where I bought this movie: Picked this one up in my Boston days. Its one of those rare double DVD’s that came
in a twice the width box. What a waste
of space.

* Why Own It?: This was James Cameron’s first attempt at showing his love
affair of the ocean and what lies beneath (the second being Titanic). Besides hearing it has a decent story, it was
mainly for the cool sequence at the end where the water alien creatures take
the shape of the crew’s faces. I’m reading
this last line back to myself and its no wonder cocaine was HUGE in the 80’s
with screen writers coming up with ideas like that.

* Had I seen this movie before?: Twice (the last being in 2004), but the movie
is so long that I forgot a lot of the minor details and subplots…which are
actually pretty good.

* Time collecting dust: 12 years.

* What I thought of the movie: A very very good movie. I don’t know what to call it…it’s a drama,
but based on science fiction, so it’s a sci-fi drama I guess. Since almost the entire movie takes place
under water, it’s amazing how they filmed a lot of it. It does make you think...the ocean is a HUGE
untapped area so why not assume there are some alien creatures watching us from
the deep below. Of course all they see
us doing is dropping bombs on each other so they decide to drop a few tidal
waves around the Earth.

And the cast: Great cast here. Ed Harris is in his cranky prime as the
leader of the crew trapped below. Just a
great performance (though his name Bud is a little corny). Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (too long of a
name if you ask me) is good too as the love interest and does her best to act
like another James Cameron mainstay, Ellen Ripley from Aliens. My favorite though is Michael Biehn (Kyle
Reese in Terminator). I love this guy
and the character he plays (a guy slowly going insane) is awesome. I’m a sucker for guys who slowly become ill
or go insane and he pulls it off convincingly. There are some other memorable
minor characters as well but those are the people you’d know.

Favorite Scenes: 1.) Michael Biehn’s death scene (lots of pressure
down there in the bottom of the ocean). 2.) The gooey pink liquid that Ed
Harris has to ingest so he can breathe underwater. 3.) The entire CPR scene where Ed Harris
tries to save his ex-wife…its riveting and I almost…ALMOST shed a tear.

Recommended?: Yes. This is James Cameron’s underrated movie. Yes, it’s long but it’s worth the payoff at
the end. The special effects are very
good and you can see some primitive ideas that he used later in Terminator 2
and The Titanic.

Cut the BS about the movie, I just want to know if there is any
nudity: Yes, but it’s not very
titillating. You get to see Mary
Elizabeth Mastrantonio’s boobs but it’s only because they are trying to shock
her back to life after she nearly drowns.
She has nice cold looking boobs though.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Its Friday and who doesn't get that extra adrenaline surge when they're driving that first mile from work...maybe going straight home, or maybe going a happy hour? It's a great feeling and sometimes that feeling can be enhanced by a great song on the radio...a horribly great song. This semi-regular Friday column talks about some of the songs that I have enjoyed at a very loud volume, sometimes even singing along to, during these drives. First up, "Love Takes Time" by Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey has had two musical styles to her career. There was the balladry pop side of Mariah which was from 1991-1996 ("Vision Of Love", "Emotions", and the entire "Unplugged" CD. Then there was her urban side from 1997 and beyond (songs like "Honey". "Butterfly", "Dreamlover"). I'm a HUGE fan of the early days (ANYTIME YOU NEED A FRIEND...I WILL...BE HEEEEEEEEERE!!!) and this song is no exception. I give you the brilliant "Love Takes Time".

I'm not going to do a running timecode commentary for these but instead, you should just let the music play for your enjoyment....at full volume.

Part that gives me those extra special douche chills: the first time Mariah hits that chorus at the 0:46 mark....mmmmmmm.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

This week's honorary Garbage Pail Kid is a pretty random one. It's Sidney Kidney. What's odd is that Garbage Pail Kids were mainly targeted at 8-12 years old. How many 8-12 year olds know what a kidney is? I know I sure didn't. I knew two things about kidneys as a kid and they weren't about the vital internal organ....1.) I hated kidney beans and 2.) I loved when a boxer gave another boxer a "kidney shot". That sounded awesome.

Anyway, lets take a look at this card.

So it appears that Sidney has filled his diaper with a sizable amount of urine and he still has to relieve himself. Sidney does not appear to be aware that the bathroom door is double bolted shut. We've all been there before having to go the bathroom so I feel for the little guy. This is probably one of the more graphic depictions of a Garbage Pail Kid...but isn't that what made them so awesome?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

As I get older, a casino to me becomes less about gambling and more and more about just getting away to a place where you can forget about the daily rigors of life for a little while. So its ironic that there's a commercial I remember from the 1980's that is trying to give me exactly what I'm looking for now. Folks, I give you this classic ad for Donald Trump's Atlantic City Hotel.

0:00 - YES! I love the fake British accented woman talking over a horse and carriage pulling up to a casino. EVERYONE is treated like a King...just like they were in the 8th century!

0:05 - There are hooks and then there are HOOKS. "You're the kiiiiiiing, you're the king of the caaa-sillllll!".

0:08 - The logo of Trump's casino is right out of an episode of Knight Rider.

0:10 - Some quick hits here. Love the long shot...are those tennis courts next to the hotel? Love the guy in a classic tuxedo.

0:13 - What kind of show is this? Love the guys in white with their leg kicks.

0:16 - There she is...I hope she got major royalties for this commercial. If there was a system where someone makes a few cents every time someone sings this song to themselves (like I have many times), this lady would not being performing in the casino, she would be owning a casino.

0:19 - HOLY SH*T...Free indoor parking! Love how it blinks too.

0:23 - Our friendly King from the Rennaisance agrees that this is truly a castle.

0:27 - Nice! They have slutty waitresses there...you're damn right I'm the King sweet cheeks.

Oddly enough, this hotel and casino are still there but have been completely dwarfed by other hotels that have been built in the past 10 years.

Monday, October 29, 2012

OK, full disclosure....my life has been very hectic lately. Between work being extra busy, including an office relocation, and not being around much on the weekends, I've let this website slack worse than ever. If there's one think I can't stand more than anything else...its slackers (Thank you Principal Strickland). Anyway, my goal is to update the site at least 20 times a month. I want to finish up the Top 30 Music Videos Of All Time, continue the A to Z Movie Reviews, and continue on with random things from the past. I'm loaded with ideas, I just have to put them on paper or in this case html web codex. So without further ado...

"I Want To Know What Love Is" is a classic cheesy 1980's ballad by Foreigner. Foreigner sort of gets lost in the annals of rock music. They were sort of a bridge between Led Zeppelin and Def Leppard. While they began in the late 1970's with some good rock songs like "Urgent", "Feels Like The First Time", and "Cold As Ice", they soon devolved into rock ballads including "I Don't Want To Live Without You" and my favorite Foreigner song and guilty pleasure "Waiting For A Girl Like You".

However, its "I Want To Know What Love Is" that makes the list today. Its probably Foreigner's only video with any kind of budget. The video only really has a two things that makes it stand out among its peer at the time and what they are...is simply AWESOME. The two things are slow motion and looks of angst and sadness among the band members faces. Let's take a look shall we?

0:00-0:12 Damn, do those keyboards and open cymbal crash hit you right away. Anyway, we get our first look at Lou Graham, the lead singer of Foreigner. He seems troubled by something and takes a very long blink.

0:13 - The guy in the blue shirt is Foreigner's other key member, Mick Jones. He seems to be yelling at the engineer in the studio over something.

0:25 - I love how there are blinds in the studio. But then its revealed that Mick is looking outside from a tall office building...now what recording studio is located 30 floors up in a major building?

2:44 - Someone on a bus is excited about Foreigner playing somewhere. I wouldn't think they had an urban following but good for them. Actually it seems everyone on the bus is happy about Foreigner. I think I know where this is all heading.

2:54 - I love this shot...its the band coming together in slow motion getting ready to record. And there's the bus...the people on it are the choir. And listen to their glorious voices!

3:06-3:07 - Either Lou Graham is nicest guy in the world or he's the biggest phony. I love that expression on his face shaking hands.

3:14 - Mick Jones is thinking "DAMN, I didn't know we were going to have that many people here!"

Monday, September 10, 2012

Classic Commercials - Crazy Calls For Your Answering Machine

Remember the days before voicemails? When one would use a tape cassette to record someone leaving you a message on your answering machine. My parents had a DIGITAL one (yeah, that's right) so you could actually record whatever you wanted to say. Let's just say that my then 10 year voice was the cutest thing ever...then puberty hit and I was constantly reminded as to how terribly nasally my voice could be.

Anyway, the 1980's was commercialism at its peak so of course there was a company and product invented to jump all over the answering machine crazy...folks I give you "Crazy Calls".

I don't know anybody that used Crazy Calls but GOD DAMN if I didn't know all of the songs. Let's take a look at their most famous advertisement and walk down memory lane.

Beginning to 0:12 - First up is the classic "Boogie Woogie". I'll admit, I don't remember this one at all. It was done in a 1940's World War II girl troupe style and what then 10 year old kids cares about killing Nazis? Not this one for sure.

0:13 - 0:20 Next up is the more memorable "Call Me If You Can-Can". This song was all over 1980's and early 1990's commercials mainly due to the legendary Shopright grocery store using it for their ads. Their add features cans of fruit doing the Rockets leg kick. That was awesome...

0:21 - 0:27 Now we're getting a little serious with the Twilight Zone themed "Answering Machine Zone". I love how they can't secure the rights to use the original Twilight Zone music so they use some weird bell-like keyborad sound with a Rod Serling imitator.

0:27 - 0:34 This was one of my favorites. They take that famous Beethoven song and just add the words "NOBODY'S HOOOOOME....NOBODY'S HOOOOOME". Strangely, they couldn't come up with a witty pun sounding name for this one as its simply called "Beethoven's Fifth"....fifth what?

0:35 - end. Awwww sheeeet....here it is. The Stairway To Heaven of answering machine messages. Simply called "The Rap" because it is THE RAP to end all raps. I wish the announcer guy didn't talk about most of the song but at least you get the best part...."ya gotta wait for the beep, ya gotta leave your name ya leave your number". Complete with gang vocals!

Final Thoughts: So there are seven songs and we only got to hear five of them. I'm dying to find out what the other two sound like. Also, $14.95 for this??? That was a lot of money back then. As a kid, I used the cost of Nintendo games to gauge if something was pricey or not. Most Nintendo games were $29.99 so in my mind was this worth half a game? I'd have to say yes with this one...

Lastly, I love the address. A P.O. Box somewhere in "Midtown Station" in New York City. Sounds more like some guys basement than anything else.

They don't make these commercials like they used to...unless you live in the New England region and get NESN.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Crawling out of my cave for a quick minute to say hello. Between work, issues with the town I live in, and an overall lack of time to do fun things like update this blog, I just haven't been able to post much. To make matters a little more tricky, blogger.com has completely revised the way you compose posts and add pictures and video. I don't like change (sorry Obama) so I'm adjusting to this slowly.
Anyway, with Friday almost here I thought I'd throw in a classic performance of a sort of hidden gem. I remember around 1995, I'd hear this song that had some 1960's vibe (or maybe it was the tubular bell sound at the beginning of the song) but definitely had a 90's guitar sound. The song? "A Girl Like You" but Edwyn Collins....no no no, NOT Edwin McCain, the singer of that terrible 90's song "I'll Be".

Anyway, I heard this song not too long ago and decided to see what the video for the song looked like. Needless to say, it was classic mid 90's MTV video that was sort of cutting edge at the time but just looks like garbage now. HOWEVER, due to the beauty of Youtube, I found a rare live version of the song from the Conan O'Brien Show.

Now I dabble in the bass guitar so I know a little bit about guitar effects. This man puts on a CLINIC with what he does with the guitar here. It's a simple riff and simple melody but the phased sound he gets out of the guitar PLUS a rare good use of the whammy bar takes this song over the top.

So for music nerds, enjoy. For children of the 90's check out a young Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter. For me, I just love the awesome hand motions he makes while singing.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Haha, this is definitely a classic one. As all parents have seen, your kid, when sick, is capable of throwing up anything and its never pretty. They can't make it to the bathroom because they can't walk...and they have no concept of trying to vomit into some kind of container or receptable. Heck, they can't even cover their mouths with their hands.

In any event, our friend Steven seems to have been busy swallowing a block, a goldfish, and a toy truck. There's only so much a young digestive system can take.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

If you were a kid that grew up in New York and you're between the age of 25 and 40, you probably watched a lot of your afternoon cartoons on channel 9 (WOR) and channel 11 (WPIX). There were lots of random commercials but one that stood out was this one...beautiful Mount Airy Lodge.

As a kid, I had a small idea what this place was. It's a hotel, sure, but God DAMN there seems like there's a ton of awesome things to do there. Tennis, hiking, horseback riding, swimming, hitting out of sand bunkers, beach volleyball...what a vacation! But alas, it was in Pennsylvania which seemed about as far as Japan does today to my then 12 year old self. Mount Airy Lodge ACCESS DENIED.

Let's take a closet look at this classic ad for them. I found two, one from 1989 and one from 1992...I went with 1989. Trust me, a LOT of random shit is going on in the commercial.

0:00 - A quick shot of NYNEX...yes! What seems like eons before the age of Cablevision, we New Yorkers had Ma Bell.

0:03 - We start with a young couple frolicking in the pool as the golden boy husband surprises his wife (or mistress) with a kiss on her little raft thingee.

0:04 - Next we see a couple on the golf course. Note the super old school golf cart that has no cover. I hope it doesn't rain.

0:06 - Wow, check out the crazy somersault dive into 5 feet of water. I'm serious...if you look over to the corner of the pool you'll see a couple just standing there. That had to be super dangerous.

0:08 - Live band entertainment! Love the slow dancing. Have you ever been to a hotel, dressed up, and then slow danced? Even more strange is that these people are slow dancing on a stage while other guests are just sitting there eating.

0:11 - This shot confuses me. Is this pool in this couple's hotel room? There seems to be a bed in the background...and a fireplace...is this like a smush room ala Jersey Shore? I'm serious, this is blowing my mind.

0:14 - Now we move onto some tennis. This is a little old school in that all of the tennis courts are indoors and also right next to each other. At Boston College, the courts are like this and I'd see people getting drilled in the face left and right by balls from other courts.

0:16 - My favorite shot of the commercial. This couple is enjoying some kind of dessert but she's in her bathing suit and his shirt is off. It looks like it's nighttime too. Even better is that she's being offered a mixed drink yet there are two full cups of coffee on the table as well.

0:18 - This is why you don't bring your wife golfing with you. Yes, that's a great bunker shot but the wife is going berserk in delight and why is the other couple watching in anticipation as well?

0:19 - The money shot...this place looks pretty cool. It has its own little boat launcher too. That lake doesn't look too wide though. I like the speed boat going by the people in the canoe.

0:23 - Damn...horses too?

0:24 - Alright, I take it back...THIS is my favorite shot. What kind of volleyball game is this? The woman hitting the ball has five or six people standing within 2 feet of her. How is she going to hit a decent shot without elbowing someone in the face?

0:26 - Love the woman taking a huge step over an inch of water to hug her husband...he barely gives her enough room to stand on that tiny rock.

0:27 - The least romantic way to kiss a woman...the bridge of her nose. Think about it, that guy just left some saliva right next to her nostrils. Ever lick your top lip and take a whiff of it? There you go...

0;29 - One last long shot of what must be a slice of heaven.

So where is Mt Airy Lodge up to now? Well according to Wikipedia, it was demolished in 1999 due to competition from Atlantic City and other casinos in the area. It was completely rebuilt as a new casino and resort but they still keep the name.

No matter what they call it now, I will always have the "beautiful Mount Airy Loooooodge" ingrained into my memory banks for all time.

Monday, March 19, 2012

I couldn't tell you who Enigma was (hence the name I guess). However they had two really cool songs from the early-mid 1990's; "Sadeness" and "Return To Innocence". Strangely enough, neither had any lyrics....just random chanting and foreign language phrases. This being the early 90's and when music was going through a world wide revolution, people ate this stuff up. While "Sadeness" is still found in movies and TV shows from time to time (see the sex scene in "Boxing Helena"), it was "Return To Innocence" that had the video that most of us will remember...

My then 14 year old brain wasn't formed enough to process the fact that this video isn't just cool images being shown in reverse...its about a person's life going back in time. The old man in the beginning basically dies at the :23 mark and then we see his life go by ending with the baby being baptized. We also see a random unicorn running around as well, which I didn't understand then, and certainly still don't now.

Anyway, there are so many amazing shots in this video and the song is pretty hypnotic on its own.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

It was announced today that Sue Simmons' contract will not be renewed ending her career as the main news anchorwoman on the local NBC affiliate here in NY. She and Chuck Scarborough have been together for 32 years...I have been alive for 34 years so in a way, they've been with me almost all my life.

Sue was funny...she would get angry at times and reminded me of that school teacher that liked to talk down to you times. Other times, she would try to crack funny jokes. While Chuck was the more straight by the book type, it was Sue who get fiesty and throw in her own editorials to the stories.

Sue is also responsible for one of the greatest moments in New York Local News history. She also had a "Christian Bale" moment before he actually had his. God forbid you get in the way Sue giving a promo for a news story.

In the world of TV, she aged gracefully (she's actually 68 years old), seemed like a snappy dresser, and knew how to tell a story, but everyone's time to be cast out like old leftovers happens at some point in the entertainment industry.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Here's Tom Cruise to present the final award of the night. Unlike last year where thye strangely played the final speech from "The King's Speech" over clips of all of the other nominees, they let each picture get its own moment.

Odds are the Artist wins it and the only question is...does Ugi the dog appear?

And the Aritst wins...and Ugi is there! Lots of French people swarm the stage as Ugi just stares off at the side of the stage. I like how the director of the movie is nailing the lead actress...good for you!

And that is it! Not the most exciting Oscars in recent memory mainly because of some pretty predictable winners. At least Meryl Streep won.

Alright, I'm out....but I'll leave the last word to the immortal John Rambo.

Here's Colin Firth to read a teleprompter and wax poetic about the best actress nominees. Glenn Close's character looks very freaky...Viola Davis looks very different from when I saw the movie "Doubt", probably because her hair is usually blown out and not the short buzz cut she has now...Rooney Mara, who looks terrible tonight in my opinion, is happy to be there...Meryl Streep, who's taken her glasses off, laughs as Colin recalls their fun times in Mamma Mia. I'll always remember her in such classics as "Death Becomes Her"...Michelle Williams has quietly become one of today's better actresses, hopefully she's win an Oscar someday.

But tonight is Meryl Streep's night. The movie she was in was terrible apparently but damn, did she not look like Margaret Thatcher in any footage or pictures you saw? Good for her...she's been around for a long time and made me break down and cry when I saw "Kramer vs. Kramer" when I was but a 13 year old lad...don't watch that movie alone.

We open with Precious talking about movies...hmmmm, we haven't seen much of her lately (Tower Heist I think was her only movie). Nice to see Ed Norton and Robert Downey Jr reunite for the first time since "The Score". Skinny Jonah Hill appears as well as Patton Oswalt who's is a great movie called "Big Fan" that I highly recommend. Again, more time wasting...and Billy laughs at his own joke yet again.

Now we get to the big ones. Best Actor is up first and Natalie Portman steps up and gives goofy shout outs to all of the nominees. She looks awkward trying to avoid reading the teleprompter while trying to look at him at the same time....I love it.

Sadly, I didn't see any of these movies except for Moneyball but I'm intrigued by the Clooney movie. The Artist guy will probably win here but hopefully Brad or George can pull off the upset. In a nice touch, Natalie gets to give props to Gary Oldman since he was in her first major movie "The Professional", another movie I recommend. I love Gary Oldman.

The crowd would love to see George or Brad win but...Sacre Bleu!...its the French guy from The Artist. I'll admit he's very charming but then again so was Roberto Benigni and he faded to obscurity shortly after winning. Whoa, we get some shouting in French and then he's gone.

Somber music plays as we look at those who’ve died over the past 365 days.

Billy gives a shout out to Gil Cates, a producer of the Oscars, but now we get to the good stuff. Let’s see who died…

Hmmm, we have a good balance from all of the nominated categories. I only recognized a few:Whitney HoustonColumboThe original Uncle Ben from the Spiderman trilogy, Steve JobsJackie Cooper (though I remember him more from the 80’s Taco song “Putting On The Ritz”)and bringing up the rear Elizabeth Taylor.

Oops, Taco was singing about Gary Cooper…oh well still a great terrible song.

Time for the first of the “Big 4” awards and its “Best Director”. Michael Douglas appears and he still seems thin from his cancer battle…but while his body lost weight, his head did not, making it look oddly proportionate to the rest of him.

Anyway, we go through these movies and it seems the Artist will win here but Scorcese has a shot. And the winner is…The Artist…yay. In a heavy French accent, he thanks a bunch of people as well as Uggi, the dog in the movie. He goes on a bit too long but doesn’t get played off.

Now we move onto something called the Governors awards and Meryl Streep, who still looks great in her early 60’s, gets to introduce the winners. Uh-oh, looks like an Oprah citing here. I love James Earl Jones, I like the shout out to his roles in Lion King and Star Wars but they forget this performance in the original “Conan The Barbarian” when he played Thulsa Doom…c’mon.

As they approach the stage, they get a standing ovation while some 80’s video game sounding music plays in the background. I guess that’s it. No speeches for them.

Milla Jovavich gets her first Oscar invite...and it’s to present all the third and fourth rate technical awards. That must be her punishment for making all of the awful "Resident Evil" movies.

Now hopefully some comedy with the Bridesmaids cast. Kristin Wig is so good at looking spectacularly sexy or plainly bad. I guess that's the beauty of her ability to hide into any role. Some lewd humor by her and Maya Rudolph lead to the short documentary. The Oscar goes to a movie called "The Shore". Sadly, its not accepted by Paulie D, J-Wow, or The Situation, but instead by a frumpy looking couple...oops she's actually the guy's daughter. Sorry about that.

Now we go the Documentary Short Subject and Melissa McCarthy do a gag about Martin Scorcese which seems to frighten him when they chug a nip of vodka. Anyway, the winners are for a film called “Saving Face”. Blah blah, thank you very much.

Now to the animated short film and a film way too long for me to name wins. Two guys come up on stage to accept the award, one with a cool hat. They seem very peppy but the show is hitting a lull. We’re in the home stretch now at least.

Going back to Maya Rudolph…did you know her mother sang this terrible song?

Billy stumbles over a tattoo joke regarding Angelina Jolie who comes out on stage and sticks her leg out. Angelina still looks good but I give her five more years before the cracks appear ala Cameron Diaz. We’re slowly getting into the major awards with “Adapted Screenplay”. This is a weird category since you already have material to work with, you just have to rewrite it for the screen. I rewrote one of my college roommate’s poly-science paper where he originally got a B+ and turned it into an A- for another college roommate…and I know nothing about poly-science. Therefore I don’t give any of these guys much credit. But is that Moby on the right?

Will Ferrall and Zach Galifinakis arrive to present the Best Song. Note there are only two songs and they’re both from the Muppets. God damn, are there no other songs from movies? Where’s the “Footloose”, the “Highway To The Danger Zone”, and “I’m Alright”…Christ Kenny Loggins made a CAREER out of making songs from the movies.

A song “Man Or Muppet” wins the award and talks about Kermit The Frog. Why waste the precious time you have on stage and talk about Kermit? C’mon bearded guy.

Here’s my favorite movie song of all time…the voice, the hair, the gritted teeth. Folks, Peter Cetera from the Karate Kid Part II. Not tournament Daniel...THIS IS REAL.

Hey it’s Owen Wilson…and he looks clean and not suicidal. Good to see him reading from a teleprompter again. He’s with Penelope Cruz to announce “Best Score”. Will the regal themes of John Williams beat out the old school jazz themes of “The Artist” and more modern themes of “Hugo” and “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”? I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT…

And it’s The Artist and its jazz hands themes that wins. Somewhere on iTunes, the soundtrack jumped from being the 785th most popular album of the week to 693rd. Nice job guy. He begs for 10 more seconds and then he almost quotes a song “I have so much love to give”.

Billy returns to a bit about how he know what they're thinking. Ugh, Billy drops a few bombs on Pitt, Angelina, Morgan Freeman, and Clooney. The Viola Davis joke is okay as trashes Tyler Perry. Then he drops even lower doing a dumb bit with Scorcese and makes fun of poor Nick Nolte. Then its that dog.

Here's the "State Of The Union Address" by the Academy Chairman. Wow, that was short. He could have gone on there for awhile...impressive. Billy gets a decent jone in there at the end but he holds this smug look on his face for too long.

Here’s Melissa Leo to give an award to Christopher Plummer aka “Best Suporting Actor”. It was a good year for Kenneth Branagh being nominated and for directing “Thor”. When did Nick Nolte come back again? …and he’s 74 years old? Was 48 Hours that long ago? Max Von Sydow looks exactly the same he did in the Exorcist

And to no one’s surprise its Christopher Plummer who wins. Not bad for an 82 year old guy. I’ll always remember him as the bad guy in Star Trek VI (see an earlier post I dedicated to him for that role). Hmmm..he’s starting to almost ramble now…”Lupit and his wife Bertha”? Stay on course Christopher. His wife looks like she’s holding up better than the wife of the art direction couple earlier….nice job there Mr. Plummer.

Chris Rock riffs on how easy it is to animate films compared to stripping wood and working for UPS. I miss Chris Rock, its too bad they haven’t brought him back since he hosted but I think actors fear him.

I didn’t see any of the movies but Rango wins. All I know about this is that Johnny Depp did the main voice and Gore Verbinski has made real movies before. I like the name of one of the guys he thanked…Hal Hickel. That’s a funny name.

Since we’ve seen the best circus act, let’s take a look at one of the worst.

And we’re back…and its…er, The Muppets. Is there anyone more annoying and nagging as Miss Piggy? Poor Kermit, to be saddled with her after all these years. Anyway, they introduce Cirque Du Soliel who dance and trapeze around the audience. I’d love to see this end with Sacha Baron Cohen being one of the trapeze artists except he’s naked and lands on spread eagle on George Clooney’s face ala what he did to Eminem a few years back.

The Oscars are losing me here…though my wife throws in the “they are in complete control of their bodies…did you see that guy?” comment which makes me want to become anorexic and run a marathon but I’m too busy taking a sip of my second diet pepsi and whipped cream flavored vodka. Anyway, they get a standing o and Billy just claps and nods to random people in the audience.

Here’s Gwynth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. doing a bit about making a documentary about presenting. Only Downey could pull this up. Hey, did anybody see Contagion where Gwynth dies? Neither did I. I now get the connection with them presenting “Best Documentray”. I hope the Paradise Lost one wins…only because Eddie Vedder loves them…and who doesn’t love what Eddie Vedder doesn’t love?

Instead, “Undefeated” wins and we get a bunch of guys to accept the award. The guy with the glasses on the left must be so pissed that the two other guys took all the speaking time as well as probably most of the women when they hit the bars. Hah, they cut the mic....sucka.

And we’re back…but not before we heard the “SOMEBODY LET THE GATE OPEEEEEENNNN” commercial for the 1,001st time.

Billy makes a semi-racist joke about no black people living in Beverly Hills (c’mon, I’m sure Morgan Freeman lives nearby). But he quickly moves on to “the first focus” group which is actually the cast from “Best In Show” and “A Mighty Wind”. I love these guys and their abstract comments. I like that Stifler’s Mom and Jim’s Dad from American Pie is a part of this. This makes me want to watch “Best In Show” right now. Billy Crystal thanks everyone who’s helped out in these bits so far in “my opening film”. Does Billy Crystal write movies now? Then again I think he wrote “Mr. Saturday Night” so who knows.

Here’s Bradley Cooper and Tina Fey presenting “Best Editing”. “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” gets the win and I yawn. I like the name of one of the winner… “Kirk Baxter”…very strong porn sounding name. They really don’t have anything to say. I liked that.

Now some “Sound Editing”. Hugo wins its third award. Somebody gets thanked for their “infammathable” work ethic. I don’t think that’s a word as my spell checker keeps trying to replace it with “inflammable”.

Ugh, now “Sound Mixing”. Not sure how this is a major award but if Transformers wins they can think Shai Lebouf’s endless shrieking in that movie. We luck out as Hugo and its huge train wins again. Yes, a grown man gently weeping. He looks like NBS broadcaster Tom Hammond.

Here’s Christian Bale and I love Billy Crystal’s joke about not getting in his sightline. I love Bale, he’s in one of my top 10 movies of all time “American Psycho”.

Here’s the Best Supporting Actress award and to no huge surprise its Octavia Spencer, the lady from “The Help”. She gets a nice standing ovation but I’m not sure why. Here comes the tears…DON’T TRY AND TALK WHILE YOU’RE CRYING!!!

Christian Bale politefully gets her off the stage without incident. Too bad he didn’t go off on her like this….

Sandra Bullock gets the short straw and has to do a schpiel on Foreign Language films. Hey, Canada is eligible for a foreign film? Then why wasn’t “Strange Brew” ever a winner. My wife is pulling for the movie from Iran, “A Separation”….and she is pleased as it wins. She tells me it’s a sad story so I’ll take her word for it.

The guy accepting the award has thick accent and reads from a slightly worn piece of paper. Speilberg looks on angrily as does Max Von Sydow? Oh wait, he’s talking about all cultures working together so everyone is happy.

Yes! Glenn Close talking about being a weird looking man…Albert Nobbs. I’ll miss Harry Potter movies just so you don’t here British people pronounce words like “potter” (poh-tah).

J-Lo and Cameron do some weird “hey! We’re still hot!” move before saying “The Iron Lady” wins. The people who win were in the last row…I guess we know what the Academy thinks of makeup people. Meryl Streep looks pleased as does a quick shot of Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith.

Hmmmm…now we get a montage of some actors talking about their first movies. Tom Cruise for the first time, looks a little strange. I think my first movie was Das Boot…I had no idea they were on a submarine. I don’t recommend ever having your kids watch that movie before the age of 10.

Billy is up in back of the theater doing some rap on watching movies the old fashioned way which leads to the first montage. Not sure what the theme is but it includes a shot of “Twilight”. Other cool movies are “Jaws”, “Ghost”, “Planes Trains and Automobiles”, “Cape Fear”, “Godfather”, “The Exorcist”, “Star Wars”, “ET”, “Raging Bull”, “The Natural”, and of course “When Harry Met Sally”.

Ok now…WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT MONTAGE?!? What a friggin waste of time.

Anyway, now onto to two actresses who will most likely never win an Oscar and will probably hit the wall in 10 years…J-Lo and Cameron Diaz. Cameron’s makeup is getting thicker and thicker every year.

They’re here to present best Costume Design. I love the silly snippets of interviews during the presentation of nominees. The Artist wins and some guy rocking a beard makes a speech thanking a bunch of people.

And there’s no Billy Crystal to start but instead we get Morgan Freeman and his busted hand (note the black glove…that’s not sign of protest). Morgan sets up a look back at movies and of course Billy Crystal inserts himself into old films.

First up is that George Clooney movie and then we move onto Moneyball where they noddingly realize they have bad writers…then to the Woody Allen movie where Bieber tries to generate the 18-25 demo. To “The Help” with the shit pie to Bridesmaids.

Here’s not there but they got Tom Cruise for a clever cameo and some weird makeup for that Adventures of Tin Tin movie…which as Crystal states, was lucky to be nominated.

Folks, here is Billy Crystal. Best known to people over 50 as that guy from Saturday Night Live, to people over 40 that guy from “White Nights” with Gregory Hines (featuring a rocking soundtrack from Michael McDonald…see below), and for those over 30 the guy from “City Slickers”. For those under 30, he is sadly known for that terrible movie “Mr. Saturday Night” and not much else.

Billy’s doing his schick from the past singing about the nominated movies. Some highlights from it…Martin Scorsese’s fake “bust up” laughing, Clooney looking very confused, and Viola Davis putting on a nervous smile. Billy is a little flat on his last note.

When he’s done, Hollywood claps like its seeing its senile old Grandpa try and show his family he can do the Macarena.

Now it’s onto Tom Hanks and he introduces a seat filler who looks like Mickey Rooney. First award is for Cinematography and I can’t tell if its an upset or not but “Hugo” wins. Love the winner as it looks like he sits in the “Allman Brothers Band”. Quick speech too…that’s always good.

As for Art Direction aka set decoration, the Oscar goes to Hugo as well. Hmmm..are we off to an upset here? The Academy loves them some Marty Scorsese. Hah, a husband and wife team. My wife is perturbed he doesn’t help his wife up the steps…and OH MY GOD I CAN SEE WHY!!! Good lord, her face is sliding off her head!!!

1.) That interviewer on ABC, Tim with the glasses, sounds like the biggest phony in the world. If I tried to talk to people and enunciate my words as well gesticulate my hands and arms like he does, I guarantee I'd have no friends who would take me seriously.

2.) Glenn Close is promoting a movie I've never heard of but has an awesome title..."Albert Nobbs"

3.) Nick Nolte is nearly deaf but we learned he owns two crows.

4.) Cameron Diaz beats out Jennifer Lopez and Penelope Cruz to win the "excuse me but why are you here at this years Oscars?" award.

I've seen this commercial a thousand times...I know you've seen it too. It for Citibank and it ends with a lady climbing a mountain. When she reaches the top a song explodes from the speakers..."SOMEBODY LET THE GATE OPEENNNN!!!". I've had this song in my head from time to time and its a running joke between my wife and I.

Having a slightly addictive personality, I want something when I remotely like it. For some reason, this song is NOT on Itunes...but it is on Youtube. Folks I give you the "Somebody Let The Gate Open" song. Just fast forward to the 0:41 second mark.

Why post this during the Oscars? I've seen this commercial twice so far in the preshow.

Christopher Plummer is a HUUUGE favorite to win Best Supporting Actor tonight. Its for a performance in a movie I can't name but he was good in it, played a gay man, and he's 82 years old...a great combo for Oscar.

No matter what though, he'll always be remember by me for the below role and his line at the o:31 mark.

Well its been nearly two months since I’ve done anything with this website so I figured why not come back with a bang and observe Hollywood’s biggest night? After all, you can’t beat pretentious stars, winners who give goofy shout outs to agents and their children, and of course someone deciding to dust off Billy Crystal to host. Billy Crystal performing to a generation of people who’ve never heard of him in the year 2012? It makes perfect sense to me.

I’ve done a running diary on the Oscars in the past and did a decent job of watching most of the major movies and performances that were nominated. This year…not so much. Out of the top 9 films nominated, I saw one…Moneyball…and I saw it two nights ago. Heck I didn’t even see Bridesmaids and I love dirty comedies. That being said, here’s one or two reasons why I didn’t get around to seeing the other eight nominated movies.

“The Artist” – A black and white silent film about the 1920’s? No thank you.

“The Descendants” – I sort of wanted to see this movie and almost made plans to see it last night. Instead I went to bar and grill in Long Beach and had a delicious meal instead.

“Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” – Can’t get into the 9/11 mood of this movie. That and it seemed to be BEGGING for some Oscar nominations. I like Tom Hanks in anything though.

“The Help” – My wife watched this a few weeks ago and loved it. I hear good things about it but it seems very racist and includes a pie made out of human excrement.

“Hugo” – This seems like a companion piece to “The Artist” in that it takes place 100 years ago(!). Also rated PG and I have a “I don’t watch PG movies” mantra that I’m firmly holding onto no matter what.

“Midnight In Paris” – Not a fan of Woody Allen…sorry.

“The Tree Of Life” – From the reviews I read it was a lot like Anna Nicole Smith in her prime. Beautiful to look at, but not much there. Also has a vague ending which is about right for Anna Nicole Smith.

“War Horse” – Another PG movie and this one about a horse. Sorry, I liked Seabiscuit but I can’t get into a movie that features long drawn out looks by a little boy at a slowly galloping horse.

Here are eight movies I saw instead that I would personally recommend.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Where I bought this movie: Newbury Comics in Boston back in 2002. Newbury also had a bunch of used DVDs…in fact I think they were one of the first media stores that sold used DVDs. I miss that place…I miss Boston.* Why Own It?: I’m a sucker for wanting to own things after people die. Even though Steven Spielberg directed this movie, it was based on a script by Stanley Kubrick who was set to direct it before dying suddenly. Throw the goofy kid from The Sixth Sense into it and some pretty cool special effects and I was in a postmortem craving for this film.

* Had I seen this movie before?: I had seen it just once, in my old apartment in Brighton Center, Massachusetts…I miss my old apartment. My bedroom was big enough for a couch, a queen sized bed, and a Christmas tree.

* Time collecting dust: Almost 10 years.

* What I thought of the movie: When A.I. hit the theaters, I was dying to see it. The special effects looked amazing and the whole story was intriguing too. Taking place at some point in the future, science has allowed man to create robots in the shape of men…or in this movie’s case, a little boy named David. What starts as a tender mother/son relationship, it turns into a “robot boy fighting for survival” with some humor thrown in. At the center of the movie is Haley Joel Osmont’s performance as a little boy, in the form of a robot, just wanting to be loved by his mother. All in all, I liked this movie, but didn’t love it. The last 30 minutes drags a bit and the ending is just plain weird and has shades of Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull.

And the cast: The cast is small here. You have Haley Joel Osmont in almost every scene but then you mix in Jude Law and a few other adults. Haley does well though I wish I could punch him in the face a few times. He seemed too cheery to me. Keep a look out for a bunch of cameos from famous actors in the scene where the robots are about to be torn apart. My favorite character has to be Osmont’s stuffed animal and friend “Teddy”. To see a live walking and acting Teddy Bear and not have it look like Teddy Ruxpin was really neat. Teddy is voiced by Jack Angel who holds a special place in my heart as the voice of Astro Train in the original Transformers cartoon.

This guy is in it too.

Favorite Scenes: 1.) All the ones where things go wrong for David like eating the spinach and seeing his eye droop and mouth malfunction and later on when he’s pushed into the swimming pool. 2.) The scene where the robots are torn apart in inventive fashions. 3.) Near the end where pan over New York City but finding it submerged except for the tops of the tallest building (including the World Trade Center…sniff sniff)

Recommended?: For the special effects, yes. The story holds up enough to keep you interested but the second half and especially the final 30 minutes slows everything down.

Get used to this expression...it made me angry

Cut the BS about the movie, I just want to know if there is any nudity: Nothing…not even a robot penis.

About Me

Hungieman was conceived and born on Long Island, NY. I love all things pop culture but despise senior citizen drivers and Tiger Woods' goatee. I hope to update this enough to have you come back from time to time.