A blog about anxieties, fears, insecurities, friendship, family, loss, caregiving and everything else that is part of the experience of being a female Torontonian.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Unspoken

In high school, there was a girl that I really loved to talk to. She was smart, sarcastic, mean - perfect!

At the height of our friendship, we spent our days daring each other to do stupid things in the cafeteria and making fun of people. It was a match made in heaven. Well, it was for me. One day she just stopped talking to me. I don't know if I was supposed to ask why. I just let it go. She wasn't rude to me afterward, so I didn't have the impression that I had unwittingly offended her. She just stopped talking to me, and spending time with me after school and on weekends. And I know that people get busy, circumstances change, and that the quantity of time spent together doesn't dictate the strength of a friendship, but in this case it did. We never did have any heartfelt conversations after that. And even though we are in each other`s extended networks, I won`t be surprised if we never do.

In the high school yearbook of my graduating year, as my farewell I wrote that I'm not afraid of saying good-bye, a sentiment that I stand behind today. I only fear forgetting...because we lose a part of ourselves. But letting go lets us appreciate the beauty in every moment. I still remember writing this. It was my way of saying to some people that we may not have ended on a high note, and we may never get a chance to fix that, but I would (and actually do) remember the best of what's transpired. I appreciate everything, in spite of everything.

I suppose that if she ever cared enough to offer to share with me the reasons, I would be flattered but would ask her not to and tell her that I already understand. There is nothing more perfect to me than an ending because it endows me with a sense of completion. It lets me finish a story, and consequently lets me share it. It can be an intellectual exercise - I can then dissect it: draw up the trees of possibilities and pick out the likeliest candidates, figure out what I should know for the future or decide that it was hopeless from the outset. What is a "happy" ending, anyway, besides one that is unambiguous? Need it be anything more than that? She didn't leave me waiting mid-conversation, or make plans that we never saw to completion. Nor did the friendship fizzle slowly into non-existence. No, instead there was a definite end, just one of which I was not explicitly notified. The continuing friendships have value either in having been "worth the effort", or for the history. We hopefully learn and grow from the ones that end. This being said, there is nothing more tragic to me than the exchange of unnecessary and hurtful insincere words. Disingenuous words are better left unspoken, and I would rather have been left hanging.