Friday, 7 October 2011

I have a penchant for attracting older women as they find me charming, funny, well-mannered and easy on the eyes. Usually, we end up talking or unintentionally flirting and I'm OK with that. Aside from a woman once telling me that she would kidnap me, take me home, put me in a glass case and just look at me everyday, nothing has ever really come out of these "attractions"- that was until I met Ornella. Following is a blog post about my newest admirer, a security guard who works in the hospital across the street.

I first met Ornella in the pharmacy at the end of my street. At first I didn't really notice her presence as I was late for class, worried about my pending assignments and just wanted to buy my mints and be on my way. My less than pleasant demeanour seemed to arouse her curiosity as she turned to me and smiled. She was a short, burly, black lipped woman of East Indian descent who was dressed in her Amalgamated security uniform with her gun on her side, bullet proof vest fastened who looked at me from head to toe as I asked for one dollar in mints. As I paid for my mints and turned to leave, she shifted slightly in front the door and started to talk to me:

Ornella: Who vex yuh?

Me: Nothing! (I was particularly annoyed because I hate when people think that because you're not smiling "somebody vex yuh")

Ornella: Well smile nah, yuh too handsome to be looking so vex!

Against my better judgement, I smiled and said thank you. On turning around after I had left the pharmacy, I saw Ornella waving at me and smiling which I assumed was normal behaviour.

Two weeks passed before I saw Ornella again. This time she was in front the pharmacy smoking a cigarette which repulsed me and helped me to understand why her lips were so black. Suddenly she was walking beside me, telling me about working a double shift that had started the night before and how tired she felt. She seemed to think that the fact that I was entertaining her meant that we were friends and proceeded to ask me my name, after telling me that hers was Ornella. I could have felt my inner-Garvin screaming at me to give her a fake name and that was exactly what I did. As far as Ornella knows, my name is Micheal and I attend UTT. I made nothing of this encounter because I kept on telling myself that I was being overly dramatic and paranoid. I started to notice that after the second encounter, I would always see Ornella either smoking a cigarette in front the pharmacy or standing around the hospital which was understandable since she worked there. She would always make small talk with me and would wave whilst, I would walk by quickly because I couldn't shake the weird vibe that I got from her. Daddy always says, "Follow yuh vibes!" and once again, my vibes were right.

I had taken a week long sabbatical from UWI -it's a tradition- and I was making my re-emergence to the hallowed halls of CLL when Ornella justified the vibes that I had had. This time, she opted to not stand at her usual spot but come out of a track to the side of a house, two houses away from mine. I was therefore, startled to see her standing next to me in all her female security guard glory, fully equipped with her smelly bullet proof vest and a gormless grin.

Me: "How do you know that I didn't go to school?" (skepticism mingled with fear)

Ornella: "Cuz I eh see you pass when you usually do! I was worried but then, I used to see you in yuh gallery sometimes." (smiles)

Time seemed to stop for an eternity as I grappled with everything that she had just said. She knew where I lived, when I went to school and when I went out into my gallery? Maybe, she's just really observant given her job? Maybe, she happened to be standing outside on that one day when I went outside? I mean, it's totally coincidental that she ran into me on that day or that she happened to be close by whenever I was walking out of my street. Normal people do that! However, my reasoning gave way to my imagination and a scene emerged:

There I was tied to a chair in my birthday suit, my eyes darting to and fro searching for the source of the mad cackle. Ornella walks towards me, a knife in hand, smiling and telling me about the fact that she loved me from the moment she saw me in the pharmacy. My nice, pink lips called out to her and she knew that she needed to have me. She starts licking my face, her hands caressing my body as I whimper in disgust. She jumps back, enraged and begins wielding her knife like a warrior. She screams at me about just wanting to be loved by a man and she had foolishly thought that I was that man. But alas, I'm just like the other men; disgusted by her very touch, disgusted by her. The light bounces off the knife as Ornella brings it down once, twice, three times... AHHHH!

Given the little scene that had just played out in my head, I decided it was time to get off of Ornella's radar. I've resorted to changing my routine and leaving the house at different times. It's highly possible that my tactics may not work since, from what I've seen on T.V., stalkers are DEDICATED and RESOURCEFUL. I'm patiently awaiting the day that I come home to find Ornella sitting in my living room with my family at 6PM for our prayer meeting. Until that day comes, I'll settle for Ornella's stares from the hospital's dark corridors. Oh joy!