9 Mindful Ways to Remain Calm When Others Are Angry

When someone upsets us, this is often because they aren’t behaving according to our fantasy of how they “should” behave. The frustration, then, stems not from their behavior but from how their behavior differs from our fantasy. Let’s not get carried away. Calmness is a superpower.

Over the past decade, there’s a way of being I’ve gradually been cultivating in myself—I’ve been taming my tendency to get angry and argue with people when their behavior doesn’t match my expectations.

As human beings, we all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes our relationships up the most. We all get frustrated when things don’t play out the way we expect them to, and people don’t behave like they’re “supposed” to. We expect our spouses and children to act a certain way, our friends to be kind and agreeable, strangers to be less difficult, and so on and so forth.

And when reality hits us, and everyone seems to be doing the opposite of what we want them to do, we overreact—anger, frustration, stress, arguments, tears, etc.

So what can we do about this?

Breathe…

You can’t control how other people behave. You can’t control everything that happens to you. What you can control is how you respond to it all. In your response is your power.

When you feel like your lid is about to blow, take a long deep breath. Deep breathing releases tension, calms down our fight or flight reactions, and allows us to quiet our anxious nerves so we choose more considerate and constructive responses, no matter the situation.

So, for example, do your best to inhale and exhale next time another driver cuts you off in traffic. In a recent poll we hosted with 1,200 new course students, overreacting while fighting traffic was the most commonly cited reason for overreacting on a daily basis. Just imagine if all the drivers on the road took deep breaths before making nasty hand gestures, or screaming obscenities at others.

There’s no doubt that it can drive us crazy when we don’t get what we expect from people, especially when they are being rude and difficult. But trying to change the unchangeable, wanting others to be exactly the way we want them to be, just doesn’t work. The alternative, though, is unthinkable to most of us: to breathe, to let go, to lead by example, and to accept people even when they irritate us.

Here’s the way of being that I’ve been cultivating and advocating:

To breathe deeply, and often.

To remind myself that I can’t control other people.

To remind myself that other people can handle their lives however they choose.

To remember that when others are being difficult, they are often going through a difficult time I know nothing about. And to give them empathy, love, and space.

“Being” this way takes practice, but it’s worth it. It makes me less frustrated, it helps me to be more mindful, it improves my relationships, it lowers my stress, and it allows me to make the world a slightly more peaceful place to be. I hope you will join me.

Smart Ways to Remain Calm

If you’re ready to feel more peace and less inner angst, here are some ways I’ve learned to remain calm and centered, even when those around me can’t seem to contain themselves. These principles reinforce the bullet points above, and when you consistently practice these principles, the world within you and around you becomes a lot easier to cope with.

Let’s practice, together…

1. Get comfortable with pausing.

Don’t imagine the worst when you encounter a little drama. When someone is acting irrationally, don’t join them by rushing to make a negative judgment call. Instead, pause. Take a deep breath…

Sometimes good people behave poorly under stress. Don’t you? When you pause, it gives you space to collect your thoughts and it also allows the other person the space to take a deep breath with you. In most cases, that extra time and space is all we need.

It is absolutely possible to connect with, and even appreciate the company of, someone you don’t completely agree with. When you make a commitment to remain neutral on matters that don’t matter that much, or speak respectfully about your disagreements, both parties can remain calm and move forward, pleasantly.

3. Be compassionate.

In the busyness of today’s world people tend to be worried, fearful, hurting and distracted about everything. The word compassion means “to suffer with.” When you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you give them the space to regroup, without putting any extra pressure on them.

Remember, we never know what’s really going on in someone’s life. When you interact with others in stressful environments, set an intention to be supportive by leaving the expectations, judgments and demands at the door.

4. Extend generosity and grace.

Everyone gets upset and loses their temper sometimes. Remind yourself that we are all more alike than we are different. When you catch yourself passing judgment, add “just like me sometimes” to the end of a sentence. For example:

That person is grouchy, just like me sometimes.

He is so darn impatient, just like me sometimes.

She is being rude, just like me sometimes.

etc.

Choose to let things GO. Let others off the hook. Take the high road today.

5. Don’t take people’s behavior personally.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you take everything personally, you will be offended for the rest of your life. And there’s no reason for it. Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Make that decision for yourself today.

Let it go! Seriously, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.

Everyone behaves the way they behave based on how they feel inside. Some people never learn how to effectively cope with their stressful emotions. When someone is acting obnoxious, it’s vital that you remain calm, no matter what. Don’t allow other people to knock you off your center.

Do what it takes to remain calm and address the situation from the inside out. That’s where your greatest power lies.

6. Talk less and learn to appreciate silence.

Don’t fall into an unnecessary argument just because you feel uncomfortable in silence. Don’t say things you’ll regret five minutes later just to fill your eardrums with noise. Anger and frustration begins internally. You have the capacity to choose your response to momentary discomfort.

Inhale. Exhale. A moment of silence in a moment of anger, can save you from a hundred moments of regret. Truth be told, you are often most powerful and influential in an argument when you are most silent. Others never expect silence. They expect yelling, drama, defensiveness, offensiveness, and lots of back and forth. They expect to leap into the ring and fight. They are ready to defend themselves with sly remarks cocked and loaded. But your mindful silence? That can really disarm them.

Here’s part of my morning ritual: I take ten deep breaths before getting out of bed, I stand up and stretch, and then do ten minutes of meditation.

I challenge you to try this—it has been life-changing for me—but start small with just three deep breaths and three minutes of meditation a day. Do this for 30 days. After 30 days, if this daily ritual becomes easy, add another two breaths and another two minutes to your ritual. When you begin a day mindfully, you lay the foundation for your day being calm and centered, regardless of what’s going on around you. (Note: Marc and I build small, daily, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)

8. Cope using healthy choices and alternatives.

When we face stressful situations, we often calm or soothe ourselves with unhealthy choices—drinking alcohol, eating sugary snacks, smoking, etc. It’s easy to respond to anger with anger and unhealthy distractions.

Notice how you cope with stress. Replace bad coping habits with healthy coping habits. Take a walk in a green space. Make a cup of tea and sit quietly with your thoughts. Listen to some pleasant music. Write in your journal. Talk it out with a close friend. Healthy coping habits make happy people. (Note: This is covered in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of our book.)

9. Remind yourself of what’s right, and create more of it in the world.

Keeping “the positive” in mind helps you move beyond the negativity around you.

At the end of the day, reflect on your small daily wins and all the little things that are going well. Count three small events on your fingers that happened during the day that you’re undoubtedly grateful for. For example:

My family and I made it home safely from work and school today.

My spouse and I shared a laugh.

Our meals filled our stomachs.

etc.

And pay it forward when you get a chance too. Let your positivity empower you to think kindly of others, speak kindly to others, and do kind things for others. Kindness always makes a difference. Create the outcomes others might be grateful for at the end of their day. Be a bigger part of what’s right in this world.

Your turn…

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves and others—the most fundamental harm we can do to human nature as a whole—is to remain ignorant by not having the awareness and the courage to look at ourselves and others honestly and gently.

With this in mind, I’d love to hear your thoughts about this article. What resonated with you? What didn’t? Is there anything else you would add to the list?

(And finally, a special “thank you” to our good friend Tess Marshall, who volunteered at our Think Better, Live Better conference last week and subsequently sparked the idea for this article—and also provided her beautiful insights as it was being written.)

Comments

Your articles and emails continue to arrive in my inbox when I need them the most.

Getting angry and frustrated about things is just a distraction from what matters most in life. It’s a distraction from making the best of all the blessings we hav. I’ve learned this the hard way. And your thoughts on issues like, Angel (and Marc too), are continuing to make a difference in my day to day life.

After a big financial hit our family took, and a related period of prolonged angry arguments with my husband about our loss and our new financial reality, I found your getting back to happy course. And it absolutely did not happen overnight, but I’ve let go of lots of unnecessary anger and drama in my consciousness over the past year… and my husband and I are loving each other, respectfully, again.

It’s sad how anger, frustrations and overreactions combined with poor communication can literally turn us into monsters we aren’t. And it’s madness when I think about how many of us let it happen. Again, I learned the hard way that relationships can give you the most incredible and wonderful highs at times … and then there will be deep dives of anger and frustration that will take all you have just to hold on to your sanity. But the dives don’t have to be nearly that deep when we learn to grab ahold of our emotions and communicate consciously.

Thank you for sharing this!!!! I too am going thorough relationships turmoils. You sharing your story opened my eyes and showed me we are not alone. Most of us share this anger and frustration. I am relearning to let it go and move on, I too am reading getting back to Happy! Angel and Marc, I love your daily newsletters as they keep me focus when I am feeling off track. I know it’s a long road ahead but I am confident I have the right tools to overcome these obstacles and balance my life positively. Thank you!😊❤️💗Diadel

This was such a inspirational and informative article. It really made me think and realize that a lot of things and issues we bring on ourselves, by how we respond to people. Keep up the great work! Loved the article!!

I can definitely relate to this one! On a several occasions in recent times, when I didn’t want to stay calm and at peace with someone being rude and obnoxious, I remained calm and at peace anyway. There are some wonderful strategies to take heed to in this article … and to actually know that you can avoid larger problems by choosing step away from other people’s drama, instead of stepping into it.

This morning, at a senior card playing group, a 75-year-old woman, for no apparent reason said to me, “You’re terrible. No one wants you here slowing the rest of us down.” I was in the middle of play.

I am now 70. I remained silent and composed, and I amazed myself with that. The others at the table said ”that’s not true!”

My point is that just a short couple years ago, I would have been angry and irritated by this woman’s rude remarks. I have a temper, but was happy I didn’t respond to such a childish attack on me.

I’ve been reading and working through your teachings for the past couple years and I’m gradually getting better at keeping my cool when something like this happens. And it’s made me feel so much better.

I disarm with silence a lot at work and if I still can’t think of an appropriate response that I mean and would be proud of, I ask the person if I can think over what they have expressed and get back to them. More times than not they immediately apologize for the WAY it was said even if the message is still valid.

I am still in a positive life changing deep contemplative space from the Think Better, Live Better 2018 conference last weekend. I highly recommend attending it next year!

Excellent article! Thank you for taking the time to wrap it up for us readers! One consideration I would like you to make is to include “prayer” with “meditation” as an equal approach. Whether Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish or any other religion or way of life, agnostics and atheists included they would all be given a way of meditation that is in line with their individual belief system.

Not taking things personally has been HUGE for me. I realized 99% of the time I get angry is cause I feel slighted like how could they do that to me or how can they not listen to me? When I stopped taking things personally I learn its actually hard to get mad at anyone anymore! I just shrug and figure they have their own stuff to work out.

Our whole society drives me nuts (if I let it). That’s why articles like these are so essential for me. There’s so much good going on, but if I’m constantly feeling attacked and angered I retreat and miss the good things! I coped your post into the notes section of my phone so I can easily refer to it when I need it. Thank you so much.

I belong to that nation where great teachers of Spirituality were born. Like Swami Vivekananda, Ramakrishna paramhansa etc. I am really touched by the systematic transmission of lessons to all those whose problems are directly shot off. I have been receiving the lessons from Mark and Angel since last two years and I am hugely benefiting.

Thoroughly enjoyed this article. I so wished I had this kind of information before my husband fell out of love and filed for divorce. After 30 years married I realize that I did everything all wrong.
My emotions have been all over the place during this process so tips to remain calm are timely!! I’m scared to death that I may not ever find happy again or another special someone.
Thanx for the info.

Hi, Marc and Angel. Your articles are always an inspiration, sort of a relief whenever I feel anxious about anything. You’re helping me create a mindset that’s more attuned to the goodness within and around me. You have such beautiful hearts. Thank you for always taking the time write. You’re blessing a lot of people.

“Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them”

Learning to allow other’s to speak and acknowledge them has been a great foundation for creating better communication overall.

I wish you would have put a disclaimer in there that not all situations can be breathed thru. I recently had a co-worker take out his frustration by literally screaming in my face and then physically try to pull me across the parking lot to show me something. I was shaking by the time i got into my car. I was very upset and crying that evening. The next day i told him he had crossed a line with me both mentally and physically. All i got in return was an email that had a lot of always and never promises and excuses for his behavior. I feel bad about the situation as a whole, however i am proud of myself for standing up for myself for a change and not just rationalizing the abuse.

Thank you for your very timely article. I’m dating a nice man but would like it to be more, but he is not ready for that. In fact, he tells me to protect my heart and that made me sad and angry. I need to read your article again and again and still again. Thank you

I have faced a lot of unpleasantness because of my political views. I am a Christian Democrat white man in the rural south. People assume that I’m unbalanced, conflicted, and a large snowflake in overalls.
I’m going to tweak your list to include Bible verses and use prayer as my meditation. I’ve already been practicing warm smiled along with very few words.
Maybe this will help as things in Washington heat up. Thanks for your thoughtful instruction.

When we experienced the death of our 27 year old son, from then on I saw common irritations & every day problems as irrelevant. I sort of began thinking that nothing would really bother me unless it involved harm to one of my beloveds. I would even say, “if it doesn’t involve a lot of blood, death or jail, I’m good.” Somebody cuts in front of me in line? They must need to get there faster. Somebody acts like a jerk on the freeway? Go ahead, be my guest. I’m not interested in getting in a wreck. Grouchy people? Not going to wreck my day. I was teaching then, and even misbehaving, rude high school students couldn’t get me to blow up. I had never been too easy to anger anyway, but it just went to a different level. I just didn’t care much anymore, about things that used to get on my nerves. To be sure, I still feel irritation at some things, & my husband will tell you that I can be snarky right back to him. But feeling mostly peaceful, even in the face of broken dishes, whiny kids, teens who know everything, big messes that someone else makes, friends who bait me on politics, family members who make bad choices & wind up in money trouble or worse, is just a far better place to be. I never was all wound up, but I could get that way. If I start to feel anxious now, mostly over “will I be there in time?” (because I hate to keep people waiting) I remind myself that traffic & weather are out of my control. Let it go. Let it go, and let God. I turn it all over to him. And turn to the cranky looking person behind me at the grocery line, and say, “Please, go ahead of me. I have more than you.” That’s so easy to do, and gets smiles instead of frowns.

You are an inspiration indeed.
This reminds me of the poem Kindness by Naomi Shiyabe Nye:
Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth…..

2017 was the worst year of my life hands down and this is how I have started to look at things as well.

M&A, I can’t detail what makes me want to read this; save that this article is helping me make a life-changing transition for my young child. I have been in an abusive relationship and have come away with a big bag of anger and bitterness. Letting go and starting again is the only way forward; and I hope to do that, one day at a time. These tools really help me cope with the daily..

I struggle with stress and depression from other peoples negativity and the choices and actions they make. All this stress goes straight to my stomach. It would be nice if the world was kind and loving and people would think before they say or do. I know this is not reality and this is not the way life is. I’m hoping the breathing and meditation will help me get thru the day. Thanks for the article.

I think a lot about letting go of expectations and managing them so as not to cause unjust grief, especially when it comes to relationships and those that have the ability to hurt us the most. While I understand the idea and try to embrace it, I struggle with it as I don’t know how to balance my expectations and not let someone disrespect me or treat me poorly, a small example of this is when my bf says he will call me back in an hour, tonight or tomorrow and repeatedly doesn’t follow through. I let it go because he always calls eventually but how do I let go of my expectations that he will follow through with what he says he will do and not get treated like a doormat??? This is a constant struggle for me to find and understand how to balance this.

14 years ago, I had a massive stroke. During the recovery process, 1 doctor stated that I have to get rid of stress. I began to adopt some of the above written tips and began a serious prayer life based on MY relationship with Jesus. Remaining calm helped alleviate a lot of the stress, whereby I became consistent & constant in my focus to live an abundant life.

I believe there is a healthy balance. I am a firm believer that truly forgiving others, will help you in being happier, but as for being a carpet, that allows people to use you….no.
Respect is earned, {as is trust} and very easy to lost.
When someone doesn’t respect you..{as in a mate}….they will fall out of love with you. It can be over/ under done, but people will learn that they how far they push you, and when you draw that line, “THAT’S FAR ENOUGH, YOU NEED TO BACK OFF!! They will either understand, and respect you, or find another carpet to use, but as for me…..I don’t need friends that are only out to use me.

I completely agree with your post. I’ve been doing this for a long time, but some people just don’t get it. Why I’m just letting it go.. and someone said its not healthy but, I think its healthy because I don’t have stressful mind