Thursday, October 17, 2013

at Illinois

We are not losing another game in 2013.Don't believe me? Think I'm just some blind homer? Well, let's take a stroll down Schedule Street:at Illinois: Yes, the same Illinois that has lost 15 consecutive B1G games. Yes, the same Illinois that gave up over 600 yards to Washington. Yes, the same Illinois that gives up more rushing yards per game than Purdue. That Illinois. We have no business losing to them, and we're 12+ point favorites on the road. Next.Bye Week: I'm in a bad mood. You know how I'm on a never-ending quest to come up with a #BillionDollarIdea? Well, some jackass in Madison just beat me to the punch with THE SNUGGLE HOUSE. For $60 an hour, you can go into his totally not-creepy lair and have a PROFESSIONAL SNUGGLER snuggle you up. TOTALLY NOT CREEPY:

The Snuggle House, 123 E. Main St., was scheduled to open Tuesday but that was postponed because city and fire inspections had not been completed, an occupancy permit had not been issued and city concerns were yet not addressed, according to Timothy Casper, the business’ lawyer.

Jennifer Zilavy, assistant city attorney, said she has yet to see a business plan for the small company, which aims to provide therapy through touch.

Zilavy contacted the business two weeks ago after seeing its advertisement on Craigslist asking for professional snugglers.

Fire inspection? Nah. Occupancy permit? Not necessary. Business plan? SCHMIZNESS PLAN. Straight to Craigslist looking for 'professional snugglers' is how Matthew Hurtado rolls. For the record, I OBVIOUSLY searched on Craigslist to find one of the listings he wrote for professional snugglers, but all that turned up were awkward listings for used breast pumps, including the single saddest thing I've ever read on the internet:

This pump is basically brand new, I tried to use it for maybe two weeks after my son was born but I just could not produce milk.

I was going to keep it because my fiancé and I were going to try for another baby, but he passed away and I now see no more babies in my future anytime soon and am in need of money to buy my son winter clothing.

I emailed this person, mainly because I need to know if it's true. There's probably better than a 50% chance this is a stolen breast pump and it's a scam, but in the off-chance that it's legitimate I need to know. Fucking Double Swindle Breast Pump Scam. Seen it a million times. I wish people weren't allowed to lie on the internet.PS - If the snuggles include some back scratching, then this is actually genius. Back scratching is how you graduate from Snuggles 101.
PPS -

Since the meeting, Hurtado said he created a 70-page business manual that includes business plans, procedures and safety information.

Also included is training information that his four professional snugglers have gone through that covers business procedures and how to handle difficult situations, such as inappropriate touching by clients.

Page 1 of the training manual is for sure 'How To Deal With Boners', right? RESIST THE POKING.

at Iowa: Oh yeah, football! Iowa has been irrelevant for years!BYU: I think it sums up our home slate this year pretty nicely that between Northwestern and BYU, we couldn't decide which was the best game to go to. In the end, I'm more intrigued by BYU. Independents! Mormons! Can't wait to spend a full weekend in Madison for this game.Indiana: Every single time we beat IU (and there will be many of those times), Hoosier fans will just play it off like they don't care. 'We go to IU for BASKETBALL!' Then the one time in the next 500 years that we lose to them they will never shut up. Tom Crean is a cock-eyed douchebag.at Minnesota: At what point does it cease to be a rivalry and begin to be an obligation?Penn State: Senior Day against these assholes, I hope every UW player puts a '42' on their helmet. WE DOIN' THIS ONE FOR MAUTI. #AmericanHero #NeverForget #FORTHETROOPSandmautitoo
Boom, 10-2, chance at a BCS game anywhere other than Pasadena (PLEASE). Worse case, we'll fuck up some SEC team, finish the year in the top 10, and be favorites to get back to Indy next season. Not bad for year one of the Gary Andersen Era.CHICAGO BADGERS: My advice to you is to not show up at Will's at 6:45 p.m. for a night game. There's probably going to be a line. You do not want to spend kickoff waiting in line. Get there on time, grab a bucket of beer, and settle in for a good time.REAL HEROES IN A CITY OF COWARDS:My dad writes about his trip to D.C. with the Nevada Honor Flight. Since I'm still on his AT&T family plan, I couldn't say no to plugging this here. But it's worth a read. If you don't know what the Honor Flight is, they gather up WW2 vets to travel to D.C. People are waving American flags at the airports for them, they get a police escort through the city, etc. Cool stuff, and my grandpa at his current age is more badass than 95% of my friends. He's been promising me hookers in Vegas since I was in middle school.

THE ULTIMATE MADISON BUCKET LIST6) Go to a Mallards game in the Duck Blind

The ideal Madison Summer activity. Get a group of friends, find a bar with a shuttle, and head on out to Mallards Park (I have no idea if that's the name) to watch the Madison Mallards of the Northwest Midwest Wood Bat League (maybe). For under $30, you get unlimited beer and food while chilling out on this sprawling patio down the right field line. And it's not shitty beer - we're talking Great Dane, Goose Island, and other smaller/local breweries. The food itself is decent stadium food, all of which tastes better after a couple good beers.But you don't just go out there to eat and drink - you could do that ANYWHERE in Madison. No, you go out to a Mallards game because it's the booze-filled intersection of a carnival and a baseball game. Take a walk behind the Duck Blind and see how fast you can throw a baseball (my elbow is still sore). Enjoy a race between crawling babies on the field. One time, a few of my friends ended up in sumo suits wrastling on the field between innings. There are literally no rules at Mallards games (NOTE: not true), and there's no telling where the night will take you.For example, the last time I went, my group had no clue how to get home. So we improvised: we hopped on the first school bus we found and went with the flow. Next thing we knew, we were at the most stereotypical Sconnie bar you could imagine, playing sand volleyball in the back. To this day, I have no clue how we got home that night. I just know that I got hammered with my friends, had a blast, and did something uniquely Madison on a warm summer night. If that ain't life, then I don't know what is.Previously:7) Go drunk skinny dipping in Lake Mendota8) Go to Ian's Pizza on Frances St. at bar time and devour two slices of Mac and Cheese pizza9) Hook up in the Memorial Library cages10) Steal a Terrace chair from the Memorial UnionHonorable Mentions: Shoutout posted in the Badger Herald, Wait in line overnight for tickets, Pontoon PorchMATCHUP TO WATCHIllinois 9th Year Senior Quarterback Nathan Scheelhaase vs. Seriously Just Fucking Graduate Already BroFACTS ABOUT NATHAN SCHEELHAASE:

He is not a Scandinavian hockey player

1 out of every 100 Nathans gets legitimately angry when you call them 'Nate Dogg'. Nathan Scheelhaase is that one.

Average yards per carry, from freshmen year to current: 4.7, 3.3, 2.4, 1.1. This is what they call REGRESSION.

Congratulations, Nathan Scheelhaase: you are the Paul Davis of college football. In other words, you'll be known for your longevity in a sport where you're capped at 5 years. Not an easy feat to fester around so annoyingly.

He threw for 135 yards, zero touchdowns, and one interception against Nebraska. Nebraska's defense is terrible. Transitive Property: BORLAND WILL EAT YOUR FACE

RANDOM MUSIC WE'RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEKOne of my personal favorite groups here. This is an electronic music duo from Scotland who make relaxing yet dark music. "Come to Dust" is kind of like a hip-hop beat on codeine. This is their latest album and first since about eight years ago. If you don't like this you don't like electornic music. - JQWWhen White Lies hit the scene in 2008, there were immediate (and accurate) comparions to Interpol and Editors. After a step backwards on their second album, 2011's Ritual, White Lies are once again at their best on Big TV. This lead single from the album is infinitely listenable. - @abellwillring

Nas takes the most generic theme possible for a rap song - killing a dude - but tells it in reverse. If the movie Memento banged a rap song, this would be its beautiful baby. - @DannyGoldin

I'm so good at nailing that little piano slide when I'm listening to this song on the train. I am very approachable and normal in public.

THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKUNight game in ChampaignOr maybe it's UrbanaThey both fucking suck

YOUTUBEBecause Mexico was losing, the only way they were going to qualify for the World Cup was for the United States to tie or beat Panama. This is the Mexican announcers reacting to the Americans tying the game in the 92nd minute. It is FANTASTIC. Also, here's your translation:

"GOOOOAAAAAAL The US of A PUTS us in the playoffs!!!!!" USA!"It is because of the USA that we are being placed in the playoff ...BECAUSE OF THEM , NOT DUE TO YOU..NOT ANY OF YOU in the green shirts ....IT WAS THEM!!.NOT YOU!..THEY DID IT!!!!!NOT YOU! remember this forever..... KEEP THIS CLEARLY IN MIND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! You do NOTHING for the shirt, you do NOT put the effort, you have NOT placed us in the playoffs , you HAVE NOT placed us in the WORLD CUP ..YOU WOULD NOT HAVE KEPT US ALIVE....IT WAS ESTADOS UNIDOS, NOT YOU.! .NOT YOU AND YOUR ARROGANCE/CONCEIT.....NOT YOU AND YOUR INFAMY....NOT YOU AND YOUR MORONS/PUNKS....

....

"IT IS A FAILURE.....and UNDESERVED -to go through to the playoff- WE HAD NO ARGUMENTS to earn the playoffs, THE USA, WITH SUBS , WITH MANY SUBS as the visiting team shows us once again what the USA is all about ....how to play the game with dignity, how to approach the sport..MExico is a horror, just terrible....A FAILURE....

.....

THE USA HAS SURPASSED US ..They are better than Mexico in SOCCER ....THEY EVEN HAVE THE LUXURY OF PLAYING THEIR SUBS and KEEPING US LIVE.... I hope our coach wears the pants and resigns..He has failed as coach...."

International soccer is the best.This is so well done. I cannot WAIT for GoT to come back next Spring. Oh god that's like a million years from now UGHHHHHHIt's a Randy Marsh montage. No other words are necessary.This dog does not like Mountain Dew, and High School Brandon HATES this dog as a result.

#FOODPORN

I went to Girl & The Goat last night. I ate 8 different animals. It was a pretty crazy and awesome experience. Here are your highlights:

MMMMMMM LAMB RIBS. Best thing I ate all night. Absurdly tender, and I probably ate an entire loaf of their fancy bread by sopping up all that juice there. That's where the flavor hangs out!

Crisp braised pork shank with naan... I LOVE food by the shank. If I could eat all my meats by the shank and liquids by the bucket, I'd be the happiest person alive.

On the left is salted peanut semifreddo with concord grape granita and brioche donuts. AKA RICH PEOPLE PB&J. On the right you see a CLASSIC miso-butterscotch budino with bacon toffee, glazed pineapple, and candied cashes. I understood half of those words!(Those desserts were incredible. Scotch washes them down real smooth.)

#SKYPORN

Beautiful sunrise from a couple days ago that I spotted on Twitter. The only way I ever catch a sunrise is if I just keep drinking on a Friday or Saturday night and get adventurous. This person work up all early and stuff, which I think is the craziest thing in the world. But at the same time, I kinda wish I were one of those 'up at the crack of dawn' kinda guys. I bet they're really productive and wholesome people.(via)EXTRA BONUS SUNRISE #SKYPORN

Such TRANQUILITY. It's probably ironic to type the word 'tranquility' in all-caps. Good thing I'm also on #TeamAlanis(via)

HOW TO BE A 22-YEAR-OLD IN THE DORMSThe following story was forwarded to me recently. I believe every inch of it. Enjoy:[All names changed]

I have received reports from university staff concerning your behavior on October 27, October 28 and October 29, 2011. The report indicates: On 10/27, House Fellow staff reported that Josh Miller talked about his "fake ID" at the check in station by b-tower. Staff reported that Josh Miller ran from them when they asked him to pick up a piece of his costume he had left in the middle of the hallway (a large cardboard tube). House Fellow staff member Jeanine Stevens stated that Josh Miller referred to her using a racial slur for black at the b-tower check-in station. When asked to return to his room, Josh yelled "fire in the hole" as he threw his own cell phone into a wall. Area Coordinator Elliot Rosen spoke to Josh early Saturday morning about his behavior. Josh stated he was drunk. Rosen asked Josh to comply with HF requests and either return to his room or leave the building for the night. Josh asked Rosen to drink with him, attend a party on Lathrop with him, and at one point vomited in Rosen's office due to apparent intoxication.

10/28/11, UWPD contacted Josh Miller at the request of house fellows asking for a detox eval. Miller was acting very weird, but was not incapacitated. When asked by University police to blow into the breathalyzer, Miller inhaled, and told police to "put some more booze in it." A Sellery resident indicated he was in Gordon Commons on Wednesday night, wearing his blue robe and was highly intoxicated that evening as well. On Saturday, 10/29/11 Three residents from 2B saw Josh Miller attempt to pick up and take computer from 2B Den. Two other residents saw Josh Miller banging a screwdriver against a urinal in an attempt to remove it from the men's bathroom located on floor 3B.

Throwing his own phone like it's a grenade while yelling 'FIRE IN THE HOLE' absolutely slayed me. I'm dying to know what his Halloween costume was. This would be my initial hunch:

PS - I'm a little confused - why was he was bragging about his fake ID if he was 22? But maybe I shouldn't start questioning the logic of a guy who asked the police to put some more booze in his breathalyzer.

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER DENY A MAN HIS RANCHMy love for ranch is well-known by this point. I'm basically next in line once Dr. Gordon, RDE decides to hang up the bucket:

A contemporary American tale of woe: A Seattle Jack in the Box customer flew into a rage on Monday after being told that his third tub of ranch dressing would cost him a quarter. Not his first, nor his second, but his third. Naturally, he lost it.

Police say that in an effort to calm the customer down, Jack in the Box employees offered to comp him all of his ranch, but it was too late, and he went on the warpath. When a senior citizen tried to intervene and smooth the situation, the buttermilk enthusiast slammed the 68-year-old to the ground.

The Associated Press reports the enraged customer ultimately "mumbled something about having a knife" before climbing onto a purple bike and speeding off.

Oh god. Loves ranch? Check. Digs purple? Oh no. OWNS A KNIFE? Whew. Got really worried for a second that I blacked out in Seattle and made some mistakes. Quite the relief to confirm that this wasn't me.PS - I take great offense to them calling it a 'tub' of ranch. First, everyone knows ranch comes by the bucket, and second, calling it a tub makes it sound real fat:

'Can I get a side of ranch?' Skinny City.

'Can I get a bucket of ranch?' Of COURSE you can, you good looking man, you!

'Can I get a tub of ranch?' TAKE A HIKE FATTY

PREDICTION CITYIf I had one wish, I'd wish that every Sunday morning from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. it would be nothing but cloudy and rainy. There is no greater moment than rolling over in bed, realizing it's dark outside, double realizing that it's 9 a.m., and TRIPLE realizing that it's raining out. BACK TO SLEEP PARTY, IN MY FACE. Love it.The flip side is waking up on a Thursday and getting dressed for the back to sleep party, only to realize that you actually have to put some khakis on and go to work. That is the single worst moment in the world. YOU OWE ME A RAIN CHECK, BACK TO SLEEP PARTY.We're going to beat Illinois and we're going to do it easily. We gonna run all over them, #MGIII STYLE. And then when they start crashing on the jet sweep, Stave is gonna hit Abby for a 70-yard touchdown, and I'm gonna hold my arms up at Will's touchdown-style before Stave even throws the ball because hey I TOTALLY saw this coming. Sounds like fun! THE PICK:WISCONSIN 49, ILLINOIS 14