Issue 3918

LUBBOCK, TX–Bruce Kucharsky, 29, a bouncer at the Come Back Inn, announced Monday that this is "absolutely the last time" he is cleaning up vomit. "This is it," said Kucharsky, mopping up a chunky, peach-hued puddle near the pool table. "I'll clean up the puke this time, but next time, they're gonna find somebody else, or I quit. I ain't no fucking janitor." In his four months as a bouncer at the bar, Kucharsky estimated he has "wiped up chunder, like, at least 300 times."

ROCKFORD, IL–Stopping at a local Days Inn Tuesday, traveler Dan Peterson, 27, was delighted to discover that the motel featured the premium channel HBO until he checked the night's programming listings. "Aw, man, not Summer Catch," said Peterson, as he browsed the cable guide. "Then it's back-to-back episodes of Tracey Takes On at 11, followed by The Mexican at midnight and Ghosts Of Mars at 2 a.m. Fuck." Peterson spent the evening reading the room's complimentary copy of See Rockford! and sucking on ice cubes.

Thank you for considering me for this position. As you can see from my résumé, my extensive work experience in the field makes me a strong candidate for this job. My résumé doesn't, however, convey the many intangibles that I bring to the table. For example, I'm incredibly driven. I'm also excellent in crisis situations, doing my best work under pressure. And, of course, I'm an attractive-people person.

Well, it's been a long, hard road, but I'm finally almost finished with Cosmysticism, the new religion I've been working on for the past year or so. And I must say, I'm pretty proud of how it's turned out. It's a delicate blend of love and wrath, mystery and science, history and fantasy. I have some compelling characters, a universal creation myth, and a great ascension-of-man second act. Now all I need is some sort of snazzy post-death scenario to really put the cherry on top.

NEW YORK–Anders Perssen, 23, a Swedish backpacker currently staying at the Chelsea International Youth Hostel, admitted Monday to getting "a great large amount of tail" during the first two weeks of his three-month tour of the U.S.

LAKE OSWEGO, OR–Despite participants' hopes of unloading useless, long-shelved items for profit, Oakdale Court's five-family yard sale last weekend was dominated by the transfer of items from one table to another.

CAPE GIRARDEAU, MO–Brent Dobson, a 19-year-old Army private who was reunited with his loved ones on May 8 after a harrowing two-week ordeal as a prisoner of war in Iraq, is already "sick to death" of his family, Dobson reported Monday.

NASSAU, BAHAMAS–Rescued after being lost at sea for nearly two weeks, shipwreck survivors Bill and Mary Kolin were forced to endure a ride back to the U.S. mainland on a Disney Magic cruise ship. "I suffered severe sunburn, dehydration, and starvation, but that was nothing compared to the half a day I spent on that hellship," Mary told reporters Monday. "I honestly didn't think we'd make it through Chip 'N' Dale's Karaoke Jam, much less Mickey's Breakfast Buffet." Bill said he plans to write a book chronicling his struggle for survival among shuffleboard-playing Lion King fans.

Pfizer Launches 'Zoloft For Everything' Ad Campaign

NEW YORK–Seeking to broaden the customer base of the popular drug, Pfizer announced the launch of a $40 million "Zoloft For Everything" advertising campaign Monday.

One of the new Zoloft ads.

"Zoloft is most commonly prescribed for the treatment of depression and anxiety disorders, but it would be ridiculous to limit such a multi-functional drug to these few uses," Pfizer spokesman Jon Pugh said. "We feel doctors need to stop asking their patients if anything is wrong and start asking if anything could be more right."

Continued Pugh: "How many millions of people out there are suffering under the strain of a deadline at work or pre-date jitters, but don't realize there's a drug that could provide relief? Zoloft isn't just for severe anxiety or depression. Got the Monday blues? Kids driving you nuts? Let Zoloft help. Zoloft."

Zoloft (sertraline hydrochloride) was originally introduced as a means of treating depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. In January of this year, however, Pfizer won FDA approval for use of Zoloft to treat premenstrual dysphoric disorder, as well as social-anxiety disorder, or "social phobia."

Last week, the FDA okayed Zoloft for treatment of "the entire range of unpleasant or otherwise negative social, physical, and mental feelings that an individual may experience in the course of a human life."

"At first, Zoloft was only used to treat depression," Pugh said. "But what is depression, really? Who died and gave doctors the authority to dictate who is and isn't depressed? One man's hangnail could be another man's darkest depths of despair. Isn't medication a tool to help people lead better, happier lives? Access to drugs should not be restricted to those the medical community officially deems 'sick.'"

Pfizer president James Vernon said the "Zoloft For Everything" campaign will employ print and TV ads to inform potential users about the "literally thousands" of new applications for Zoloft. Among the conditions the drug can be used to treat: anxiety associated with summer swimsuit season, insecurity over sexual potency and performance, feelings of shame over taking an antidepressant, and a sense of hollowness stemming from losing an online auction.

A Zoloft ad slated to run in next week's issue of <i>People<i>.

In today's fast-paced world, Vernon said, people don't have time to deal with mood changes.

"Zoloft has always helped clinically depressed people modulate serotonin levels and other chemical imbalances that make life unlivable for them," Vernon said. "But now, Zoloft can also help anyone who needs their emotions leveled off. Do you find yourself feeling excited or sad? No one should have to suffer through those harrowing peaks and valleys."

Anita White of Yuma, AZ, sought out Zoloft after seeing one of the new commercials.

"I was sitting on the couch, just watching TV, and, for the life of me, I couldn't motivate myself to go down to the basement to do the laundry," White said. "Luckily, a Zoloft ad came on right at that moment. I went to their web site and, sure enough, one of the 'Is Zoloft Right For You?' quiz questions was, 'Are you unable to motivate yourself to go down to the basement to do the laundry?' That's when I knew."

Other pharmaceutical companies are following Pfizer's lead. On Tuesday, Paxil manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline unveiled its new ad slogan, "Paxil... Give It A Try." Eli Lilly, maker of Prozac, is slated to launch a similar campaign built around the slogan, "Pot Roast Burnt? Husband Home With The Flu? You're Having One Of Those Prozac Days."

"We are letting consumers know that if they suspect Zoloft might improve the quality of their lives, they should contact their doctor," Pugh said. "And remember, you'll need to take Zoloft for at least eight weeks to make sure it's working."

Pugh warned that Zoloft use may cause side effects such as agitation, erratic behavior, restlessness, difficulty speaking, or shaking of hands and fingers. He added that Zoloft can help those suffering from agitation, erratic behavior, restlessness, difficulty speaking, and shaking of hands and fingers.