Relentless sarcasm for your reading pleasure

How to Grab Someone’s Attention

You walked into the partyLike you were walking onto a yachtYour hat strategically dipped below one eyeYour scarf, it was apricot…

Carly Simon sang this song so well, didn’t she?

Grabbing someone’s attention isn’t easy these days when everyone has their head down with their eyes glued onto some sort of computer or smart phone screen.

Some people, just like Carly’s subject in her song, can walk into a room and grab anyone’s attention just by the way they dress. Other’s have to work at it–like me.

So I was thinking about ways to get someone’s undivided attention while trying to become more likable at the same time. First thing is first–walking into a room. Perhaps walking shouldn’t be done; everyone walks into a room. Running into a room and tripping over something or someone would certainly grab someone’s attention, but then again, it could also cause someone to run for the nearest exit. Should I glide in? Saunter? Swagger like John Wayne with guns blazing? I would need to get a cowboy hat. I already have guns. Although, tripping is second nature to me. I already walk like a drunk because I have absolutely no balance. I think I just answered my own question regarding walking into a room. Just be myself.

The next thing I thought about was my laugh. I admit that I have a hearty laugh, if you get me going to the point of crying I will start to snort. This leads someone to think, Who let the pig out of the sty? I should probably contain the snorting, but sometimes I just can’t help it. I don’t even know how it develops; lack of oxygen? Perhaps that would explain my slow response time and thought processes.

I suppose I just need more air. I should get outside more often–perhaps on a windy day–during a tornado.

What about vocal emotion? When I meet someone I haven’t seen for a long time, I practically yell and wave my arms up and down. My husband calls this the “girly wave.” I have trouble containing my excitement. I’m not far from having someone put a straight jacket on me, but I have yet to punch someone within my personal space due to my raucous hand gestures. However, I may have ruptured an ear drum or two. Not mine–those are already ruptured. I’m speaking of those in my immediate vicinity. I don’t think I’ve given anyone a bloody nose. Oh, wait. I did. This happened while I was sleeping, so I didn’t consciously do it. I punched my husband in the face during a dream. I must have been reenacting a scene from Fight Club.

On the other ear, if I see someone I really don’t want to see, but absolutely have to, I provide a half-fake smile and a half-hug. You know what a half-hug is, don’t you? Those are the hugs you see when two people embrace with their arms, but their butts are sticking out so the bottom half of their bodies aren’t touching. A half-hug is a fake hug. It’s meaningless. If you’re not going to commit to the hug, then just don’t do it. Stick with the handshake. You can’t go wrong with a hearty handshake, unless your handshake is like a wet noodle. You’ll grab someone’s attention with a wet noodle-type handshake because who the hell wants to shake hands with a wet noodle?

Are you good at acting out a story? I am! I can proudly state that I think I’ve mastered the act of pantomime. “He went like… and I was like… and then he went…” All while using grandiose hand gestures, finger puppets, and imitation voices. It’s like watching a play, but I’m not wearing a viking helmet or tights.

Where can I get a viking helmet? That would be cool.

Lastly, you need good facial expressions. Jim Carrey has a rubbery type face, which provides the brilliant result of the hundreds of facial expressions he is so darn good at. On the opposite end of the facial spectrum is a condition called, Bitchy Face. It’s a medical condition that people suffer from that makes your face look like you are 24/7 pissed off, agitated, bored or disgusted. ——————->

Smiling is always a good facial expression. If you want to grab someone’s attention, smile while jaggedly walking into a room and wave your hands up and down uncontrollably, yelling someone’s name. This will result in a ruptured ear drum or two.