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Confessions of A Girl Who’s Missing Some Apricots… (and no that’s not a euphemism for me going insane)

Here’s the thing my little fluffy pandas. There seems to be some bug going around where people are forgetting how to act properly. They are doing things that merit a hard baseball bat to the face. It’s appalling I tell ya. Simply appalling.

Yesterday I bought some apricots. Actually I think I should start by saying… I love apricots. They are one of my favs, well, that and peaches. Anyway, it was the start of the season so how could I not get some. I decided to leave them unopened in the netting that was wrapped around the plastic container until the next day; which happens to be today. Reason being, they weren’t ripe enough for my liking. So today I thought, dang! I’m gonna have me some yummy apricots for breakfast. But no, why should I be so fortunate enough to receive some joy today, seeing as the gods saw fit to fuck with me.

As I walked into the kitchen I noticed something was amiss. Some mother lover thought it would be a good idea to rip open the net and shove his grubby paws all inside my apricot container. And then they took them. Not all of them but enough for me to get pissed. Here’s the thing guys, I am one of those greedy badasses when it comes to food (a bit like the hulk) but if someone asks me “can I have a bit of that (insert said food)?” Then I would always say yes. I always respond kindly to manners. Always!

To top it off this wasn’t the first time someone had taken my shit. There was a roll-gate incident a few months back. And I decided to do something about it. How you might ask? Why by writing a witty, charming, humorous email to my colleagues of course. Boom!

I know this sounds stupid. But it’s the principle of the matter. I’m not buying food so that others can take some without even asking. I am getting paid in peanuts remember. Money is a rare commodity in my world. So I ask…Who the hell raised these barbarians anyway?! Because I’m pretty sure Satan is down there saying, “This wasn’t my work this time. I’ve got more important things to do on my apocalypse list this week.” So I said dang! I need to take action. My first email was cute, yet to the point. It was funny yet they knew I meant business. Take a look…

Dear cunning and sneaky Bread Bandit,

I bought some gluten free rolls yesterday. As you are well aware Gluten free is more expensive than normal bread and those rolls were to last me for my lunches this week. Last time I checked I did not win the lottery nor suddenly get a huge lump sum from a deceased relative that I have never heard of before. I understand that sharing is caring and I am all for that cause, if one would ask. So please Mr. Bread Bandit next time you get an uncontrollable urge to snatch some rolls that the studio does not buy, simply ask and you shall receive. I am wishing you all the glorious unlimited abundance of carb-topia delights that your tummy can stuff in there.

Kind Regards,
Ali

P.S.- don’t take this too seriously. I am just wanting to get the word out in a funny way.

Yes that is the exact letter, word for word. You see it wasn’t so bad. But then someone had to go and take my precious apricots and so I had to write another email again.

Dear Apricot stealer,

As I can recall, it all started on one fateful day when one of my rolls magically disappeared. So now on this sombre morning I have realised that you were not satiated that day. Why do you torment me with your grubby little hands? And furthermore I don’t truly understand why you are singling me out? Have I done something to offend thee?

As you are fully aware (from my previous emails) I am all for sharing, therefore all you have to do is ask. I do not make enough money to support your overeating habits. Please seek help in curbing your thievish ways.

Sincerely,

A very concerned human being who knows not to take without asking!

As if these emails weren’t enough, I then proceeded to waddle around asking my colleagues face to face… WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY APRICOTS?! And every single one of them said they did not touch my food stash. So I am none the wiser and a few food rations short.

Is this what society has come down to? Where a girl can’t even hang on to a few apricots before they get stripped away from her. Oh the insanity.

Shit, I mean, it’s looking like I’ve really gone cuckoo after re-reading this. But dang, all I ever wanted was for people to admit that they took it, say sorry and that they didn’t know. Surely that’s not too much to ask for. But to lie and not even have the balls to say oh sorry Ali, it was me? I mean who the fuck am I working with?! There is a wolf amongst the sheep and more cunning tactics will be put into place now. I ain’t taking no prisoners the next time. Oh no sir! I am going to be fucking Rambo.