I’m exhausted, tired and resentful. Really, just feeling so damn alone. As though there is no one in the world. No one who cares. No one who would be here. No one who is here. I guess this is the perfect time to write this post. It hurts to be alone. It hurts to know that there really isn’t anyone for me to reach out to. It hurts that I don’t know how to reach out, that when I try to, somehow it seems like when anyone else does there are people there for them but when I do there is no one.

The other day I was speaking to someone. I was telling him that there is no safety net and it worries me. He replied ‘okay, so what are we going to do about it’. I was gobsmacked. We? We? We? Who is the we??? He told me he was going to ask someone. He just, was trying to do for me what I can’t do for myself. Wants to help. Was asking what else he could do to help.

So yeah, I still feel so damn alone. I still know that I am alone. That there is no one I can ask to be here for me. That there is no one who really is here. That there is no one who really cares. Yet, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the people who have joined me on this journey. My dr just told me today that he doesn’t know what I should do. He doesn’t know that there is anything I can do. So yeah. I’m feeling alone. And that’s okay. Even if it’s only one person who cares to do anything, who cares to be there for me, I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the people who actually stay by me, even if I don’t know how to find them or who they even are.

I wish I could make this post more positive somehow. I don’t know how to.

I’m grateful for reason 105. People who join me on this journey. The ‘we’.

Eliza

Would you like to post your reason to live? If yes, just drop me a line, either in the comments section or email me @ elizareasonstolive@gmail.com with a username and password. Or add yourself as a user for me to change you to a contributor.

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7 thoughts on “One Hundred and Five: People who join me on the journey”

Why would someone want to commit suicide? There’s so many reasons why. This life is so harsh. Why do I need to feel safe? Do you live your life feeling unsafe all the time? I think you need to be educated in mental health.

Hi Eliza. I’ve read a little bit here and there on your blog before coming to this post, and there are things that aren’t clear to me at all. Most important, why you think you need reasons to live. I understand that you had an occasion where you contemplated or tried to commit suicide. But I haven’t discovered yet, why? As you probably know, the desire to live is an instinct we have. It takes a lot of resolve to overcome that instinct. And then why do you need to be safe? Why a safety net? You say you’re tired of turning to people, trusting them, and then they disappear. That happens sometimes to all of us. When it happens, it usually means that we don’t have enough in common with the people we are attracted to, or that they are looking for something else than what we have to offer. That’s part of life. Turning off the possibility of finding true friends because of some failures or misses along the way ends up hurting us even more than those who walked away from what we wished to give them.

Why do I need to be safe?
Have you ever walked through a long narrow dark tunnel through the mountain, where you’ve no clue where to go because there is very little light, you don’t know what or who is lurking around the next corner, you just know that you have to continue walking to get out, there may be blockages, people, animals, water, anything there, and you don’t have a light to see the way or guide you, and you are alone? Would you feel safe?
Safety is a human need. To be and feel safe. I’m really happy for you if you’ve always felt safe in the world, in yourself, in people. I haven’t. Ever. I’m glad for you that you can’t understand it.

Turning to people.
When the therapist who told you they wouldn’t leave ends up leaving, it hurts. You learn a lot from it. I learn a lot. Namely how much of a part I played. People leave. When a person believes something they usually live their lives in ways that re-inforce their belief. If they believe they can act, their belief will power their act on stage. We reempower our beliefs. So when a person believes that they don’t deserve others to be there – because whenever they asked for help they weren’t given it, weren’t listened to, when a person believes they’re guilty for living – because others wanted to kill themselves because they are alive, they act in ways to reinforce that belief. Their actions in fact play a part in what happens. It’s tricky to separate what is them and what is others, for they don’t have another way to act. And when people leave, even if they know, even if I know, I had a part, it hurts no less, rather it hurts more, because not only did a person I care about leave, I had a part to play in that person I care about leaving and there was no way I could have done anything differently.

I hope this is helpful to you. Not in understanding me, I don’t need you to understand me. But in understanding some of the world.

I’m only just discovering your blog so I don’t know your story yet, but I admire what you’re doing with reasons to live. It’s a beautiful thing to do, yet hard because (at least this is true for me) I can find it really hard to think of reasons sometimes, that the reasons I have I talk myself out of and turn them around. I don’t know what it’s like to truly be totally alone because I have my parents, but it doesn’t stop me feeling like it; I don’t have my ‘own life’ particularly, I don’t have friends or colleagues or anyone who can help me out with putting up an Ikea shelf let alone being there when the going gets tough. I have started to count the blogging world in my thoughts, the wonderful people who comment or message, the comments I leave on other blogs to form a little connection, the compassion that there’s even if it’s online. I know this isn’t going to sound like much and you can totally choose not to, I won’t be offended, but you can always feel free to drop me an email if you ever wanted to chat about anything at all, to vent or just say hey or talk about important ‘stuff’. xx

I appreciate the offer Caz. I don’t really email people for I tend to push them away and don’t know boundaries, and I’m tired of turning to people, trusting them, and then they disappear, even if it’s unintentionally, and primarily because I care about them even if I’m not really turning as such to them, it just hurts. At the moment it seems like everyone leaves regardless. Although I care a lot about the bloggers I come across, and count them as people too. Gosh, why’m I ranting on a reason post??
I started my blog to make a public space for focusing on the reasons to live, rather than the reasons to kill myself. I can’t say I always find it easy to post reasons, but in reality, that’s when I need to most.
Thanks for commenting :)

“I don’t really email people for I tend to push them away and don’t know boundaries”. Sounds familiar.

The only way to get through life, and to connect is to put yourself out there, and face the rejection that can come. I’m trying to recover from it constantly and I keep putting myself out there. Why do I do it? I’m…not sure. Maybe because deep down I know that other people do love me and this life is worth fighting for, no matter how many times I need to pick myself up and adjust my inner GPS.

Finding people who can accommodate that is hard. People who get that stuff don’t just happen smoothly, and get that sometimes we have to figure stuff out..a lot, constantly.

And even when you find those people, you question yourself, anytime something happens and in your head everything is falling apart all over again- is this worth it? You question your own worth, your question their sincerity. You question if you can trust them, if they truly do accept you and care for you with the whole package that that entails.

Life you say Eliza..it’s a journey. One that doesn’t really have an ending. But you know what they say, that it’s more about the way than the destination.

Trigger warning

There are posts on this blog that could be triggering. I know that I often find it triggering to read others blogs. If you find this here, please stop reading. Please take care of yourself. You’re worth it.