A warning for every mom

When I was pregnant some 17 years ago, no one ever thought to perhaps warn me, that the cute little baby boy I was going to have, would grow up to be so....what's the word.......hard headed, annoying, stubborn,etc.

My day started waking up at the crack of dawn to take my 16 yr old to court (more on that in a second). It was IMPERATIVE (according to my sons attorney) that we be there on time. Okay, got it, do not be late.

So everyone wakes up on time, except for my 16 yr old, cause you know,that would be way too easy.

I already had the girls clothes laid out and ready to go, all husband had to do was jump online, go to map quest and find driving directions. Why did he wait till 5 min before we were suppose to walk out the door to do this?

Seriously...why?

So that put us about 7 minutes behind schedule, then of course I just had to have my Starbucks, because I am useless without it. We bought the girls a cookie and they quickly devoured it on the way to the court house.

Husband drives like a freakin maniac just to get us to court on time,it works,

However just as soon as husband parks the car, takes the keys out of the ignition, my 3yr old throws up the cookie she just devoured.

It was bad,very, very bad, and what was worse is I did not have a change of clothes for her.

Lesson learned, I need to be one of those perfect moms and pack her entire bedroom when we leave the house.

So I take the 16 yr old and my 5yr old as fast as I could to the courthouse, while my husband tried as hard as he could to clean up the 3yr old.

Do you know how hard it is to clean throw up w/ out any wipes? All we had was the napkins from Starbucks. I know what you are thinking "Why did you just not pack a bag?" and after all this,I was thinking it too. My sons attorney assured me we would be in and out,first ones on the docket,you know the drill. Plus,the 3yr old is currently being potty trained,and in my mind that kind of justifies not bringing the wipes.

I never said my logic makes any sense.

Okay, so now we are at the security gates, son goes through , no problem, 5yr old goes through, no problem, I go through BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

They already had my purse, what could possible be on me that was BEEEPING.

"Mam,come over here please"

What bugged me most about this was being "Mam'ed". Really? Am I at "that" age where I am going to be "mam'ed"?

So this lady takes her scanner gun looking thing and goes all over my body with it, I mean she went to places that I did not even think were allowed, but I get it. Do what you have to do to keep us safe.

At one point I thought I was going to have to strip down, we could not figure out where the BEEP BEEP BEEP was coming from.

She let me through, probably figured that I looked to frazzled to have a bomb on me.

I go sign my son in, and we sit and wait,

and wait

and wait some more.

Husband and 3yr old finally show up, both reeking of throw up. The only thing we had in the car to put on her was a sleeveless summer jacket. Her pants already had dried up throw up, it was gross.

I took her to the restroom, tried my hardest to get everything out, but really, nothing could take out the smell.

What kind of impression were we going to make? We were going to be "THAT" family,you know, the smelly ones,that was us.

Just shoot me now.

So here we all are.. Looking like we just came out of the trailer park (ya know the ones, the white trash ones, where you see 300 pound shirtless men sitting on the stoop drinking their Busch beer, smoking their cigarettes w/ some good ol country music playin in the background)

Me judgemental? Never!

My husband who was sitting on a very long bench totally smells like throw up, then you have the 5yr old,who is looking at everyone person w/ grey hair calling them "Grandma, Grandpa", the 3yr old is next to her, and she is half way laying on me,which means I now smell like throw up too, next to me is my 16yr old. Typical 16yr guy, hair in his eyes, listen to his mp3 player on the loudest setting there is, listening to something he calls "music".

His attorney comes up, says a quick hello and takes the 16yr old to another room. Seriously....did he forget to wear deodorant? The 16yr old, not the attorney. Oh good grief, how do you forget to wear deodorant?!?!?!

As soon as he leaves,this older lady comes over to me, and she happens to have a beard. Granted it was light,but still, it was a beard. Has she not heard of Nair,or here is a shot in the dark, a razor?

I know, I am being judgemental (again) but after my morning, can't you see why?

It is not like I am much better,I mean I smell like throw up. So you have the bearded lady and the girl who smells like throw up, couple of misfits we are.

She tells me what my son has to agree to, I tell her that he will agree to it, sons attorney comes over, just to make sure we all agree,sign some papers, badda bing badda boom we are finished.

My ears my have been deceiving me, but I think everyone clapped when we got up to leave,and honestly, I do not blame them.

Do you even want me to go into detail on what the car ride home was like? The hot car with the smell of throw up everywhere. I did not think so.

Back to my original point of this post (yes, there was a point in there somewhere)

The teenage years suck. They will try anything and everything with you just to see what kind of boundaries they can push, and if you have a son, do not, I repeat, do not allow him to have a girlfriend till he is 18, because once they do, they do not care about anything else, except the girl (who in my case is a skank).

Why did we have to go to court? Well because apparently my 16 does not like going to school. In fact he dislikes it so much that he just refuses to go,nice huh?

So, his bootay is being shipped off to boot camp. More on that later.

Anyhow,all you new moms out there, you need to start preparing yourself NOW for the teen years. Have plenty of vodka on hand (but locked away because they will try to steal it) always check up on them (because sooner or later they will lie) and make good friends w/ the Principal and occasional police officer,you will need them.