Sunday, March 29, 2015

Learning to Be Happy

So, I've been taking a class called Science of Happiness this semester and despite how I don't do 98% of the readings or the admittedly cheesy assignments, I think this class has actually succeeded in teaching me how to finally be happy. Or maybe it hasn't, but either way, everything has just been working out in my life recently and it's been kind of a crazy ride. Hope you're ready to join me (ya know, if you continue reading this). Warning: there are no pretty pictures, except this kind of cute one below (I'm trying, ok???).

It's been a weird week for me. Like really, supremely, painfully weird. I've had pretty bad insomnia since high school and so sleeping a decent amount has always been a struggle for me. This week I was attempting to sleep a little earlier (3am at least) so I'd stop missing my 9:30 seminar because NYU is expensive and I should go to class, and also because Cole Sprouse has class right after me in the same room so I get to see him and think about introducing myself, which I never actually do. One day, one day...

Anyway, despite falling asleep by 3am (ish), I woke up in maybe 3 or 4 hours without fail every single morning this week. And I'd be waking up from an insane nightmare, the anxiety-inducing kind that leaves you feeling confused and a little scared because it all felt so real. My repertoire now includes nightmares about: zombie sorority girls attacking Rome, running naked in the library, trying to avoid an ex while climbing the stairs to the top of an Aztec temple. And so much more. I've started jotting down the plots of these crazy ass nightmares when I wake up now, and I'm pretty sure if anyone caught glimpse of the notepad on my phone, they'd send me packing to a mental hospital.

Aside from these insane dreams though, I feel like a lot just kept happening this week. It's weird, growing up isn't something you ever really feel occurring, but recently I felt like I was watching myself mature a lot and actually become something close to a real adult?????? weird. I don't want to be old, ugh. But yeah, I don't know. Even though I got no sleep this week and kept having nightmares that left my body sore and my blood pressure skyrocketing, it was really good fucking week. It's not that there was one specific good thing either, I think it's that for the first time in a very long time, I was happy. Happy with myself, happy with my life, just happy with everything.

And I haven't been happy. Freshmen year at NYU was honestly depressing and hard, breaking up with the person I consider my first love sucked, the following summer was just one alcohol soaked blur where I drank and did anything and everything that would distract me from how sad I was, and to be honest, I spent the first semester of sophomore continuing down my alcoholic spiral. It was just a whole lot of drinking, parties I didn't care about, and too many boys whose names I never even bothered to learn.

But now? Somewhere between taking writing classes again, being part of my sorority, and discovering what I truly want to do with my life, I think I found myself again. Or maybe found isn't the right word, because that implies that I once knew what I was doing and who I was and just lost it, and that's definitely not the case. I've never known what to do with myself, I've never known how to just exist. And I struggled with that a lot, there were a lot of times where I just really didn't want to exist in this world, where I didn't want this life in any form. I never actually thought there would a come a day where I'd sit and be able to say that I'm happy and so excited to be alive, that there's so much I want to do.

I just suddenly feel so confident about who I am and what I'm doing, along with really really thankful for everyone in my life right now. Even strangers- just yesterday, I broke my phone (again) (this happens at least once a year) and I was getting distressed because I don't have insurance or money to buy a new phone, and my parents were already angry. And then I got a miracle at the Apple Store: the Genius Bar worker (a really cute guy btw) found out that somehow my phone was still under warranty so technically he could fix it for free, but because he didn't want me to have to wait any longer, he just replaced it with a brand new one for free. Like what??? Totally insane, totally unexpected.

Also, I've always loved my friends and family, but I think that recently I've also been overwhelmed by how much love and goodness I have in my life.

I don't know if this is what you'd call growing up, but I know something's changed, and changed for the better.

So thank you, to anyone who's reading this, for being part of this journey with me.

Shit, was that sentence too cheesy? I can't tell.

Anyway, GOOD LUCK to anyone still procrastinating homework/essays/life this lovely Sunday eventing. I've got some fun new posts coming up so get excited!!

Hint: they involve shaved iced, mayonnaise, some raw eggs, the Flatiron building, and Game of Thrones. Not all at once though. Eh, you'll know soon enough ;)