Oscars Live Blog: Finally, Some Attention for Our Nation’s Celebrities

February 26, 2012

Tonight, we’ll be covering the 84th Annual Academy Awards, live from a computer. Stay here on Runnin’ Scared for exclusive insight and commentary from a Hollywood insider who has seen THREE movies this year (not including a two-part episode of The Mentalist that looked pretty big-budget). Who’s going to win? Who’s going to get snubbed? Who’s going to die in the middle of the ceremony and get frantically edited into the ‘In Memoriam’ segment? Stay tuned to find out!

8:12: Right now, Bruce Vilanch and Billy Crystal are punching each other in the chest like defensive ends getting ready for the Super Bowl.

8:15: Can you believe it only took the blood of 300 orphans to get that red carpet such a deep hue? Oscars are going green this year.

8:20: In case you were close to converting to Scientology after watching their ad during the red carpet special, check this out.

8:22: ABC really thinks we’re astounded by the fact that they are INSIDE the Kodak Theater.

8:26: Looking out at that audience, it’s crazy to think that Wilt Chamberlain had sex with every single person there.

8:30: Crystal’s Morgan Freeman is ON POINT!

8:35: Billy Crystal as TinTin making a Men’s Warehouse reference? WE ARE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS, PEOPLE

8:38: You know, a lot of these jokes don’t land if you’ve never seen a movie.

8:41: Wait, sing that medley again, we were making a hot pocket.

8:43: When someone at your Oscar party says, “They give away a good one first to keep everyone interested!” you are allowed to kick them in the kidneys.

8:47: Okay, only two more awards, right?

8:48 The Oscars are like the Super Bowl, but everyone says bitchy things about what the players are wearing.

8:50: Bed bug joke? Too soon, Billy.

8:53: Finally, something for the ladies: Costume design!

9:00: See, this is what the Oscars are all about: 70-year-old movies.

9:05: If this iPhone commercial were an accurate depiction of a couple going on a cross-country road trip, there’d be a lot more frantic crying at Cracker Barrels.

9:07 These foreign films look HILARIOUS!

9:10: Christian Bale looks like he’s about to host Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

9:12: Since someone in the comments section said they are leaving because I’m not announcing the winners…OCTAVIA SPENCER WON!!! I AM YOUR TV NOW!

9:17: This is a very ambitious Miracle Whip commercial. Are they going to kill that little girl?

9:23: Will someone please lecture everyone on how important film editing is? (It’s very important).

9:29:Hugo wins Editing and Sound Mixing. I have nothing to say about this. Good job, Hugo (?)

9:32: Standby for my list of the 84 best Academy Awards ceremonies, ranked in order from best to worst.

11:36: Sorry, that was preloaded into the blogging software for some reason. The Artist wins. Maybe you should see it now.

11:38: Alright, that’s it. Assuming movies are still a thing next year, this awards show will happen again. Until then, reach for the stars, Hollywood! You are more important than teachers and pediatric surgeons! Never forget that.