Friday, April 29, 2016

When you're an Electric Company-watchin' kid who's also reading Spidey Super Stories, $24 seems like all the money in the world. And you could earn that much sharpening pencils, well, then, whoo boy, you'd have all the comic books and Hi-C Ecto-Cooler in the world.

So guess who's out to earn that cool two dozen bucks, huh? Three guesses and the first two don't count, and the third one doesn't either unless you call him "Spidey."

Hey, he stole Jonah's cigar!

Petey certainly didn't think that one through (considering it has happened to him before quite early in his career). WAHHH WAHHH WAHHH THAT'S OUR SPIDEY hey wait he shoulda taken the check to one of those fly-by-night check cashing places that doesn't check ID and only costs you 80% of your check.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Welcome to another exciting installment of Who's That Girl? It's Jess! (I'm determined to get this feature in at least once every three years.) It's the fun-filled, spider-flavored focus that spotlights the romantic life and dating mishaps of our very own seventies diva Miss Jessica Drew! (I bet she looks good on the dance floor.) So let's join her on another typical romantic date with...I dunno, some guy, s'posed to be good for you.

Judging from the way Jerry  oh, that's his name!  meanders in his "let's make out" speech, you would be mistaken in guessing this is one of the issues of Spider-Woman written by Chris Claremont. But it's Marv Wolfman! Instead, just picture these words are spoken by Terry Long. And we can at last see what relation Spider-Woman has to the original-recipe Spider-Man: it's not her powers or her mask or even her name; it's her inability to get through a date without having to duck out to fight or save somebody! Next time, Jess, date somebody whose hair isn't going grey, and who buys you cotton candy that isn't half-melted already!

Turns out the guy she saves from killing himself is from the Bicentennial. Geez, Marvel, it was two years ago, give it a rest, already! You've already proven that your Bicentennial Super Special Treasury was better than DC's. Also: way to suddenly try to date an even older guy, Jess.

Bicentennial Boy Samuel Davis is cursed by a witch (hey, why didn't they burn her?) to live forever. Holy Hob Gadling, Batman! Or, that is, live forever until he finds someone so in love with him she'll be willing to die with him. (Typical cisminded 18th century witch, assuming that Sam Davis is heterosexual, huh?) So, of course, Spider-Woman will be perfect to die along with him. HEY WAIT WHAT

Then suddenly, the greatest date interruption of them all: bear attack!

WAIT where was this amusement park or fun fair that is so close to bears, huh? That's mighty poor planning on behalf of the park operators. "Should we build it by the wild bear habitats?" "Eh, couldn't hurt."

As the signs say, bear left. Then Jessica Drew agrees to die along with Revolutionary War Dude and pushes him off a cliff. Then, she flies off, leaving him to be impaled on the conveniently sharp rocks below (seriously, where is this amusement park? Barsoom?). Nice brush-off, Jess. You coulda just given him a fake phone number. This guy will never ask her for a date or a death-pact again!

Panels from "A Day at the Races!" in Fantastic Four #543 (April 2007), script, pencils, and inks by Paul Pope; colors by José Villarrubia, letter by Rus Wooton

Incidentally, judging from the context, I think that Rus Wooton made a minor lettering typo in the last word balloon, so I took the liberty to correct it in Photoshop above. Here's what it actually looked like. Whoops!