Today in histrionic non-news, Madonna posted an Instagram photo of her armpit, which had grown hair (as armpits are wont to do when left unattended), prompting a ridiculous tabloid freak-out. Hurrah.

"Long hair...... Don't Care!!!!!! #artforfreedom #rebelheart #revolutionoflove," Madonna captioned the photo. The Daily Mailnoted that her cleavage "couldn't distract from the hairy situation," because an unshorn body is always a bad situation, as we all know. "She's known for being controversial when it comes to her style, but Madonna may have taken it a step too far with her latest look," saidExpress. FORGET THE CONE BRA, THIS ARMPIT IS INSANE!!!!

Theo James, star of Divergent, your new fav movie about oppressed teen killers, said some cool and hot stuff about masculinity:

"We're in a world where masculinity, especially with these big spectacle movies, is often pushed by rippling six packs and forcing an image down someone's throat trying to prove masculinity. Whereas I think true masculinity comes from having a strong sense of self. Part of what drew me to Four was his concept of masculinity, specifically in how he relates to Tris and their relationship. He's intrigued by her but respectful of her bravery and her personality traits.

"It's a mutual relationship rather than one based on her fawning for a man. Her being strong doesn't de-masculate him, and hopefully that's pushing a more positive message about gender equality."

Some gossip reporter dared ask ageless and celestial Queen of All Tilda Swinton to divulge her esoteric knowledge about the nature of mortality. She answered thusly: "I think immortality is probably overrated. I am all for the adventure. It's coming and I'm not frightened." Everyone, quick, put "DEATH IS COMING AND I'M NOT FRIGHTENED - TILDA SWINTON" on your vision board. [Page Six]

Rihanna's ex-accountant says that she's a "financially impaired moron" who spent all of her money on clothes, jewelry and parties. Also skipping lucrative tours to shoot Battleship. These are all decisions I would make if I had the means (Tim Riggins AND Liam Neeson were in that movie!!), so I can't judge. [Bossip]

Zoe Kravitz brought Teen Fashion And Aliens Expert Jaden Smith as her date to the LA premiere of Divergent. When asked to compliment her dress, he said, "You look like something you found find in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory." Jaden was wearing a tie-dye bucket hat as he uttered this. [Gossip Cop]

Vanessa Hudgens was spotted stocking up on Coachella garb, which essentially means that she was buying collecting jorts, boho-themed rags and various colorful feathers as Skrillex played in the background. [Just Jared]

While we're on the subject of Coachella (this is how every conversation starts in hell): Cara Delevingne and Michelle Rodriguez are attending "as a couple." Is Coachella like prom for celebrities who don't brush their hair? Discuss. [ONTD]