30-year-old Troy Hightland of Salem, Ohio was scheduled to appear in court for a probation hearing on June 10. But instead of going to the hearing, Hightland opted to forge a doctor’s note to try to get out of it. It wasn’t a bad idea, but Hightland’s execution was absolutely dreadful. He was arrested by police for failing to appear nine days later, and he’s currently in Columbiana County Jail. From Uproxx, here’s a photo and a transcript of his note.

My name is Dr. Wong. I have Troy Hightland in Akron general. He was brot up here because his throat was a size of a golf ball. he can’t talk we have him on an I.V. We are keeping him intill June 24th. He will be out we hope. He is sleeping most of the time. Sorry I did not have time to tipe this out I have a lot of pashents today

Thank you,

Dr. Wong

I’m no Doogie Howser, but I’m pretty sure that having a throat the size of a golf ball is not a medical term. He should’ve just played it safe with a stomach flu. No one wants somebody shitting and puking all over the court room. It also would’ve been wise for Hightland to invest in a dictionary. Doctors are notorious for bad penmanship, not for spelling like that kid that used to eat glue in your 1st grade class. As ridiculous as that letter was, Hightland did get one thing right. Deciding to write that note as Dr. Wong was a genius move. Any doctor with an Asian last name sounds distinguished as fuck. That’s how you give yourself a puncher’s chance, babes.