LISTEN UP PANSIES! WingNutDaily star columnist and ultimate macho Chuck Norris would like you to know a few things!

President Barack Obama’s energy plan involves radically increasing gas prices to the European rate of $9-10 a gallon. And he’s well on his way by more than doubling prices at the pump since entering office in January 2009, when gasoline was only $1.79 per gallon. Here’s how he schemes to double prices again in his second term, with you footing the bill.

How else has the government been plotting and conspiring and cabaling to make you bend over and take it? By acknowledging reality, that’s how! Here is Chuck Norris on Secretary of Energy Steven Chu nefariously explaining uncontroversial (?) facts in 2011. Chuck Norris will karate-chop your “facts,” Steven Chu!

In February 2011, Secretary Chu again embraced the strategy to raise gas prices in order to increase green alternatives to Chris Wallace, host of Fox News Sunday, when he said, “The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues. And so we see this in the buying habits of Americans as they make choices for the next car they buy.”

It is nice to know that Chuck Norris is not one of those lazy pundits who do not keep up with the news. Nope, Chuck had all his browsers open last week, catching both the hysterical talking point about Chu not owning a car!!!1!1 and the Daily Caller’s total undermining of Steven Chu’s not owning a car, and combining them for one great big pile of Real American Primal Scream:

Speaking of misleading, this past week Energy Secretary Chu was at it again as he testified before the House Subcommittee on Energy and Power. Dodging its question about whether he practiced what he preached by owning a Chevy Volt electric car, Chu replied sheepishly, “No, I don’t own a car at the moment.” (Before you commend him for his bio-walking, it should be noted that he’s chauffeured in U.S. government Cadillac Escalades, which of course run off of fossil fuel like his wife’s BMW.)

Sums up Chuck Norris: “If you are ready for real change, if you want to stabilize our economy, increase jobs, lower gas prices and restore our republic simultaneously, then shout it out to Washington and the nation: ‘Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!’”

Say, who was president in July 2008, when it was $4.28 a gallon? Anybody remember?

SoBeach

I remember. But back in those days the president didn't personally control the price of gas, so what's your point?

DaRooster

Only a Blah president can control gas prices.

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

My head hurts, again.

http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

Yep! Gas prices peaked at the highest level in history in July 2008 while oilman Bush and oilman Cheney "who know how to talk to the Saudis" were running things. So either a) they were full of shit; b) they wanted high prices to reward their oil buddies; c) the president doesn't control oil prices.

Anyway, prices dropped like a stone as demand fell due to the economic collapse — aka the Republican Economic Plan. They bottomed out pretty much the day Obama took office, creating this quasi-artificial datapoint for the haters.

MozakiBlocks

In wingnut world, Bush the lesser was never President. We went straight from Bill to Barry. During the intervening 8 years, the US just disappeared into the either like Brigadoon.

Therefore, anything that is wrong with this country now is the black guy's fault.

horsedreamer_1

Alloway, Katie.

Naked_Bunny

Senator Obama.

Or maybe it was still Clinton.

Hard to keep track of which Democrat is president when a Republican is president.

not that Dewey

Last week, the RWNJ talking point was that gasoline was $1.81 when Nobama took office seized power. It's been falling steadily ever since. Can we go back in time and short-sell this fictitious price of gasoline?

http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

It was, but that was because there was a massive financial collapse, or some shit. Who would have thought that widespread pessimism of future productivity would have a negative impact on some commodity prices, and that correspondingly, optimism in the same might cause prices to bounce back?

Schmannnity

Oh sure, blame it on supply and demand, Chu. Price is unrelated to supply and demand in Republican think, just like cutting taxes reduces the deficit.

Oblios_Cap

Relationships? How do they work?

Schmannnity

That must be why he is supporting Gingrich, a specialist on relationships.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Supply goes up, demand goes down. You can't explain it.

Lascauxcaveman

No, I think you just did. (sorta)

OneDollarJuana

Actually, these days they are unrelated. The US has so much gasoline we are exporting it. We are producing more oil in the US than ever before. Yet the price keeps rising.

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

The truly ironic thing about all this "drill baby drill" idiocy is that it doesn't reduce our dependence or furrin oil. multinational oil companies, drilling in US waters, sell oil to the highest bidder. All that oil now destroying ecosystems in the gulf was destined for China, probably. Morans.

http://www.youtube.com/user/FlipOffResearch FlipOffResearch

This time like last time, the high gas prices are a direct result of the threat to bomb Iran back into the stone age. That simple.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

If we could only power our cars by Moronium, Chuck Norris would become a precious natural resource.

Ducksworthy

Moronium is the precious excrement of the Mormon Angels. There are large deposits in Utah.

memzilla

What part of "World Market" don't these wingtards understand?

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

World = The land defined by the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, along with our colonies, Mexico and Canada.

memzilla

Look at Canada. Canada is a net energy exporter. Canada would seem to be what the wingtards dream for the US. Canada should be paying much less for its gasoline, by wingtard logic.

CANADA PAYS THE EXACT SAME PRICE FOR OIL WE DO, YOU IDJITS.

freakishlywrong

All of it, Katie.

BaldarTFlagass

We should elect Chuck Norris to be President, he could just karate-chop those gas prices in half.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Hell, he could just give them a nasty look.

DaRooster

And the blacks prices would go back down where they should be.

Beowoof

Oh yeah, all this economic analysis from a guy who sells stretchy jeans. Who is he kidding? Oh yeah about half the morons in this country will believe this shit.

DarwinianDemon

Just how hard did Bruce Lee kick him??

MegPasadena

So hard that he needs to wear stretchy tight jeans to prove he has balls.

DaRooster

Hard as a red headed step child.

http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

He apparently never recovered.

FNMA

When will Detroit invent a car that runs on Chuck Norris' awesomeness?

http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

Chuck Norris, the Sarah Palin of Acting.

Oblios_Cap

I hear that there is a secret government plot underfoot to require us to power our cars using mooseberries.

Squirrel and Moose, Inc. readily approves.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Indeed, they hold the Kurwood Derby every year to test the technology.

The finest minds at Whatsamatta U. are working on alternative energy sources even as we type.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Unfortunately, this week they're distracted by the play-in game for the NCAAs against the Mud City Manglers.

Oblios_Cap

The band or the football team?

http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

raising gas prices in an election year is right out of the Saul Alinsky playbook.

NellCote71

Plotted in Bill Ayers' living room.

edgydrifter

Why doesn't Chuck Norris just fix the gas prices himself? I've been led to believe he is very powerful.

ttommyunger

That would be his breath, I understand.

SexySmurf

The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up just because of supply and demand issues. And so we see this in the buying habits of Americans as they make choices for the next car they buy.

Sounds like an editorial right out of the Daily Worker.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

Well, it is! I mean, if those lazy oil workers would stop owning the means of production and start working….

bikerlaureate

If President Newt just drilled four times as many wells, the price of gas would drop to $1 / gallon. It's simple arithmetic, yo.

EDIT: My stomach has been queasy ever since I typed "President Newt."
– Oh crap, I just did it again…

Lascauxcaveman

"Drill pipe goes down, oil comes up; you can't explain it."

YouBetcha

Chuck, next time you spout this nonsense and alienate yourself from the Hollywood Liberal Elite(TM), please go look in the mirror, and remind yourself that when you don't play ball with them, you don't have access to their good cosmetic surgeons, ergo, your facelift is atrocious. You're welcome.

Baconzgood

Segal and Norris?

NEEDZ MOAR DOLPH LUNDGREN!!!!!!!!!

north_of_moscow

"Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!"

Today's debate: The necessity of the Oxford comma.

Chichikovovich

Post of the week.

Generation[redacted]

You can have my Oxford comma when you pry it from my cold, dead ampersands.

proudgrampa

From a newspaper account of a documentary about Merle Haggard:

"Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall."

I never knew that Merle was gay.

sewollef

I'm a big, big fan of the semi-colon. As you can see right here…

LesBontemps

Also this, too:

Secretary Chu again embraced the strategy to raise gas prices in order to increase green alternatives to Chris Wallace

Untrue.
Like 83% of adult American males, Chuck cries once a year during the ceremonial coin toss at the Super Bowl pre-game.
It's just…so…beautiful.

BaldarTFlagass

Note to new Wonkette overlord: Please do not get rid of the old "Chuck on Keyboard" .gif. It was always one of my favorites.

Callyson

And in a related story, the Total Gym that Chuck Norris is pushing on late night infomercials (my, how far the mighty Christie Brinkley has fallen to co host with him) turns out to be hazardous: http://www.ripoffreport.com/infomercial-rip-offs/…

EatsBabyDingos

I used to respect Chuck Norris. No, wait, no I didn't.

OneDollarJuana

He is the butt of many humorous jokes.

And a butt.

banana_bread

I have to admit that I liked him as a teenager, but that's because "Walker, Texas Ranger" was on after "Highlander" and I was too lazy to change the channel.

ADRIAN PAUL FOR PRESIDENT

Come here a minute

We must act now before President Kenyan Muslin Socialist makes us use IMPERIAL gallons!

sewollef

Fortunately we [as in the Brits] have not used 'Imperial Gallons' for quite some years.

We use Imperial Litres to measure how much we've been robbed at the gas pump. We should try it here… instead of that awful looking $4.07/Gallon I had to pay last weekend, it could read $2.10/Litre.

See. I feel better already.

Exhausted66

"Walker told me I have AIDS."

http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

Chuck does all my math, because it's hard.

NeonTrotsky

Math? Or Meth?

freakishlywrong

Fuck (you), Norris.

RadioStalingrad

I really don't need this punch-drunk, dimwit to regurgitate the same inane talking points that Russ, Innanity and Föx and Fiends have been drilling (get it, drilling?) into the atrophied minds of their minions for the last week….oh wait, he's a plagiarist too.

So Obama made the middle classes of China and India grow, increasing their demands for gas?

LetUsBray

So you admit that he's devious and tricky (when he's not a hapless incompetent).

Oblios_Cap

That Rat Bastard!

not that Dewey

He's been doing that for decades. In fact, the Great Leap Forward was the brainchild of toddler Nobama, so that he could zero out the Chinese population and start all over with the gas-guzzling Party faithful.

freakishlywrong

He is, indeed, a Magic Negro.

http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

History's greatest monster!

BloviateMe

Perhaps if that Jesus guy would have had any forethought, he would've skipped the wine trick and turned water into oil.

Turns out the President is married to a **GASP** BLACK WOMAN!! And even HUGS HER!!!

HempDogbane

I would like to know more about these "green alternatives to Chris Wallace," referenced in this article.

ChernobylSoup

I can't embrace this enough to you: don't try to diagram Chuck's sentences.

LesBontemps

Apparently, raising gas prices is what it takes.

(Also, sorry for stepping on your joke upthread, I hadn't read this far.)

HempDogbane

No problem, it fit nicely into today's unit on punctuation as well as this sciency one.

memzilla

Of course, a planet of finite volume must have an infinite supply of something, right? Wingtard stupidity, for example.

Loaded_Pants

We'll never run out of it because Jesus will just put more of it there (wherever "there" is…y'know, the oil gettin' place)!

RadioStalingrad

Who needz karate when you've got a Glock?

ttommyunger

Actually, Chuckie is the kind of man knives and guns are made for, and if I'm wearing pants, I have both on me.

prommie

The enemies of the glorious workers revolution are emboldened, as our propaganda organs are no longer able to discredit them as cranks and crazies. Curse you, Fox News! Comrades, we must redouble our efforts to destroy US captialism and seize control of the material means of production!

coolhandnuke

Chuck go drill a chicken, a rooster or a fucking Seagal.

Biel_ze_Bubba

TEABAGGERS FOR FREE MARKETS!! (Except when they make prices rise.)

EatsBabyDingos

All I heard was Chuck wants to "drill Newt." Ewwwwww.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

I have no recollection of gas prices being under $2.00 in like the last decade.

commiegirl

No it was. I went back and checked (JOURNALISM) last time some asshole claimed it, and it was true for about five seconds right when Obama was inaugurated, because no factories were running (due to the recession) and nobody was driving to work (because they didn't have any).

http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

Let me get this straight… it's a sin against the invisible hand by liebruls who say it might not be a good idea to drive SUVs and big ass pickup trucks if you don't really need to (most don't), but it's okay when howling about the same invisible hand which jacks/jerks up the skyrocketing cost of the fuel to power those massive hunks of metal.

banana_bread

Don't forget that gas prices are NOT the fault of the president when he's a Republican.

UW8316154

Yeah, right, that is *just* what a sitting president wants, high gas prices right before an election.

elviouslyqueer

Newt, I, as well as millions of other American patriots, believe in aggressively pursuing renewable energy alternatives and development, but not at the risk of losing our petroleum and economic shorts while we’re doing it.

Believe me, Hong Kong Fooly, no one wants to see what lurks under your petroleum shorts.

“The price of gasoline over the long haul should be expected to go up…"

1. Expected does NOT mean "Obama wants the price to go up" (Dumb-ass)
2. It should be expected solely due to GREED.
3. It is not even supply and demand… gas is our #1 export and it is being stockpiled in tankers and on shore just to make it appear that there is a shortage.

But hey, if you want to believe that one (blah) man can turn the richest country into a third world slum in a measly 3 years go ahead.
Wait… GO AHEAD… AND LEAVE!!

YouBetcha

Also plus too, Sarah Palin School of Syntax, such as.

kissawookiee

‘Get off your gas, drill and vote Newt Gingrich!’”

I am simultaneously confused and horrified by the directives to move both away from fossil fuels and toward Newt's orifices.

Biff

I refuse to either drill or vote for that sumbitch!

Jus_Wonderin

I'll kick him in the nutz. Though, someone might have to locate them for me.

sewollef

They're underneath his steely jaw. Right between that vacant parking lot of a yap hole.

http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

He's a Chinballsian???

el_donaldo

Is he paying someone to plagiarize his columns for him still? Not that it matters. Wingnuts recycle so much stale bullshit so often originality is hardly the point.

BaldarTFlagass

Your move, Steven Seagal.

Allmighty_Manos

Chuck might want to sit down with Netanyahu and tell to chill it with the World War III talk.Usually ain't good for oil prices.

soeoho

If Chucky, Stevie Segal and maybe Teddy Nugent could go and handle the Mid-East alone and covertly the problem would be solved and we still wouldn't miiss them.

Nostrildamus

Chuck needs to give the invisible hand the invisible roundhouse kick.

freakishlywrong

Has the secretary of poontang, the honorable Ted Nugent, imparted any of his wisdom yet?

dadanarchist

Per usual, the most adamant defenders of the Free Market don't understand how it works.

Or, Free Market Koch-gobbling, Ur Doin It Wrong.

Ducksworthy

I beg your pardon morans, but you are trying to refudiate Chuck Norris. Might want to rethink that.

If only Chuck had been able to find the funding to complete "The Day The Sensei Cried"! The critics would have plotzed themselves and raced home to pitch their "Citizen Kane's" into the recycling! Best Actor by acclamation at the Oscars!!

http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

Walker, Texas Tard

fartknocker

At this moment my only thought is to tell Chuck to Shut the Fuck Up. The problem with morons like him is that when you try to explain things like refining capacity, supply and demand, all they do is sit there and scream la-la-la-la over your spoken words.

Not_So_Much

Where is Bruce Lee to beat the fuck out of this moran when you need him?

stncmchnc

Bruce is too busy beating up Breitbart on the other side.

http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

Do you think if Chuck took another 1,000 blows to the head it might reverse the damage from the first 1,000?

http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

Well Chuck, if you'd just fart in my gas tank a few times, I'm sure my car (if I had one, I'm a godless liberal who lives in a city and rides a bike), would run forever.

Name three people with beards.
Uh, our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris, and Chewbacca the Wookie.Judges?

Thanks, Kevin Smith

Biff

I wonder what Samuel Wurzelbacher has to say about this?

Generation[redacted]

$9.99

http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Deportably_Jose

Of course, back pre-Depression, in 2006, we were upwards of $4/gallon gas prices as well. Clearly this was also part of the Radical Environmentalist Schemes of our Alinskyite Marxist president at the time, George W Bush Obama. Or Clinton. One of those guys, I forget which.

Carter?

Biff

I was paying almost as much for diesel in 2005 as I did just last week. Tell me the cynical fucks didn't just cold raise the price of diesel so everyone that doesn't even drive could pay more for everything, because trucks?