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Schadenfreude

Normally when you see someone doing something naughty you always think “if only there was a policeman here” who would then nab the naughty person and give them a good talking to.

Well I hate to spoil that fantasy scene for you as the police don’t do talking to any more. If you are unlucky enough to have broken one the laws that the chief police officer has decided needs to meets its targets that day then you are more likely to be locked up than spoken to.

Another thing that spoils that fantasy scene is that there is never enough police as they are usually behind a desk writing up the 10 dozen reports for the shop lifter they just arrested so that the police can prove that they are meeting their targets.

Well that fantasy just come true.

For me it came true for me many years ago when I saw a boy racer overtake a unmarked police car using dangerous driving and immediately got stopped and had a good talking to.

For the Queen it came true last week.

The Queen was in Portsmouth visiting some friends and seeing their yacht. As always she had some Royal Protection Officers with her. So whilst she was having lunch they were waiting in their cars … when they got clamped.

Though politicians have one the lowest public approval rating currently, car clampers are still below them. So a normal human reaction at seeing a clamper do their work is to wish the worst on the clamper.

In this real life fantasy scene the worst did happen. The clamper got arrested for obstructing the police and also for not displaying his clamping badge. Even though the police asked for the clamp to be removed, the clamper allegedly told them: “Rules are rules – pay the fine and I’ll let you go or you’ll be towed away” as a jobsworth is supposed to say.

The clamping firm in question, Shoal Enforcement, has previous for atrocious customer care according to newspaper reports in Portsmouth. Not surprising then that even when a policeman shows his warrant card the clamper refuses to release the car. And when have you seen a clamper correctly displaying their badge as set out by the Private Security Industry Act? Never according to Watchdog.

Shoal do say that the clamper would have removed the clamps when the royal protection officers confirmed they were on duty which according to Shoal they did not do. Niether were the police in the car at the time nor did they identify themselves as royal protection officers – as if they would to a criminal (well that’s what most people think clampers are). Shoal also claim that their enforcement officer was displaying his license.

Also bear in mind that Shoal will have a contract to patrol the private car park used by the police and that not even police have a legal right to park in private car parks without authorisation unless necessary for them to carry out their duties.

But have a bit of Schadenfreude as Gareth Andrews, 37, of Fareham, Hampshire appears at South and South East Hampshire Magistrates’ Court in Portsmouth next Friday.

Continuing the theme – Some years ago I had a boss who was a clever but nasty man. His general snide and bullying ways generally made life unpleasant, and he had an ego the size of Jupiter. Eventually there was a sort of mutiny by me and my co hacks, and in a palace coup his position was usurped! In pique he resigned and went off to work elsewhere, and indeed occupied a powerful position. Whenever our paths crossed subsequently he made it abundantly clear that he would go out of his way to make life difficult for me, even though I had been quite junior and not a key revolting prole (if you see what I mean). I mentioned above that he had bullying traits. Well out of the blue this week I learned he had been convicted of assault on his wife, and may also be investigated for perjury. His days of high office are now gone. I try not to carry grudges since they burden me rather than the “grudgee” but I couldnt help a bit of said schadenfreude. What goes around comes around, as they say. Randy Hack PS My new book “Drink Yourself Thin” is available soon. £6.999 from Cheapplonk Press.

My view on the clamping incident is slightly (only slightly) different. Although I share your schadenfreude for the clamper, to me it seems the police are acting like they’re above the law. They are throwing their weight around because they don’t like being treated the same as everyone else. If the clamped car belonged to, say, a pregnant woman whose waters had just broken, the coppers may well have just turned their backs and said ‘it’s a civil matter, nothing to do with us’.

You couldn’t make it up. I understand that the Queen was lunching with NCP car park boss Sir Donald Gosling on board his luxury yacht, Leander. I wonder how much money he’s made through having motorists ticketed and clamped. Perhaps he should be called into Court as a character witness for the clamper.