Shane MacGowan too drunk to realise he's dead, say doctors

As the music world celebrates the twenty-fifth anniversary of the release of the popular Christmas classic, A Fairytale of New York, there has been increasing speculation about how the song's writer and lead singer of The Pogues, Shane MacGowan, is still alive.

The continued survival of MacGowan, whose level of alcohol intake over the years has even surpassed such legendary drinkers as Oliver Reed, Ozzy Osborne and, most remarkably, 98% of the population of Ireland, recently led to a comprehensive study of his physiology by military scientists, in an effort to discover the secret behind his apparent indestructibility.

"It was a question that had puzzled us for many years," said Dr. Sean O'Brien, who led the study. "Our initial hypothesis was that he had some sort of unusual genetic construction or a previously unknown human ability to regenerate body cells. However, it turns out that the real answer is actually much simpler."

The research carried out by O'Brien and his team appears to conclusively prove that MacGowan actually died in 1987, shortly before Fairytale was released, but that he has simply spent the last twenty five years in too drunken a state for this fact to be registered by his brain.

"We really should have guessed sooner," said O'Brien. "All the things you notice about Shane like the rotting teeth and the inability to talk, move or even stand up are all classic signs of someone being dead. In fact, the only recognisable sound we ever thought he made was that weird death-rattle laugh of his. On closer inspection, however, it turns out that is actually his death-rattle. It's just been going on for the last twenty five years."

MacGowan's reaction to news of his own death has reportedly been to drink a full bottle of whiskey in twelve seconds flat and then mumble something incoherently. Doctors have stated that his condition is likely to remain unchanged for the next twenty five years.