Hour 46 of my fast. It feels great. I`ve drank coffee (no sugar) and one energy drink. I`ve gotten dizzy quite a few times, but never enough to bother me.

I got up & met my mom & some people she works with at huddle house for "breakfast." I had like, 5 cups of coffee. Then, I went to the eye doctor. They had to order my contacts `cause they didn`t have them in. I also got my hair colored & trimmed. I got to school at 12 & left again at 2. Had to run by the bank & then go get my nails done. They are gorgeous. =)

Went to Justin`s before he hadta go to work. I think I`m going to P&W`s tonight `cause no school tomorrow. Love y`all.

& the only thing I know to do, is use control.
& I don`t wanna pull that shit again.
I don`t wanna go three days without eating a damn thing.
But, I simply have to.
& This will be where I write about that `cause no one really reads it & I can hopefully keep it..
quiet.
I just can`t.. feel good about myself.
I`ve put on more than a few pounds.
I`m beginning to look like the average girl & I can`t do that.
So, starting tomorrow, 0NE meal.
& If I can, N0 meal.
My biggest problem will be Justin.
He WILL notice, without a doubt.
We eat 24/7 & that`s more than likely the reason for all of this.
So, I really don`t know what to tell him..
But, I cry when my pants are tight.

Hey y`aLL!! I just wanted to drop in `cause I came here to get something I had saved to a private entry & thought I might as weLL make one.. Mmm, anyways, how`s life treatin` ya? Mine is amazing; I`m honestLy happy & I`m loving it. I`m so thankfuL for my baby, my family, & Justin`s famiLy! I`m on top of the worLd right now & I reaLLy don`t wanna come down. Of course, I`m having quite a few BAD days because I`m just not one for schooL, so I just live for the weekends & then never want them to end! Uhhm, I`m deaLing with those bad days though & life is fab. I spend every waking & sLeeping moment possibLe with Justin. He`s stayed the night here a coupLe of times & the we stay the night other pLaces together too. He hasn`t had to work the past 3 Saturday`s & it`s been so great, but it starts back up this weekend. He work Wednesday through Sunday this week!! =l He has Monday & Tuesday off & I have games on b0TH of those days!! Yeah, voLLeybaLL is going fab too. I`m a starter & I pLay m0st aLL the time.. I`d actuaLLy like to come out a lot more than I do! Mm, yeah, weLL this was just a reaLLy quick update, but I`m gonna go. <3 &hearts

Oooof course, Justin is at work, again. Buut, he does have Monday & Tuesday off, so that`s good. Uhhm; then he works Wednesday- Friday & is off Saturday & Sunday. Oh, I missed 2 parties last night! Yep, my aunt had a kegger, but figured I was at the races. Damnit; & Britt called, but I never called her back & she was wantin` me to go to a party. It would have been drinkin` & gettin` high; I just want to PARTY. I was so pissed when I found out I missed TW0 parties. So, I told Justin; I`m partying next weekend. Hopefully, there will be a party Saturday night, so we can go together. Either way, I WILL party. It`s been like, a M0NTH since the last time I partied. & That sucks. Buut, anyways, my M0M is still at work at 6:30pm. on a SUNDAY. Yes, her work sucks my ass. & I`m bored. I`m out. <3

Baby, don`t cry. It isn`t worth it & you know it`s better off this way. It`s been almost 2 months & we talked for only the second or third time yesterday. You are doing a lot worse that I expected, honestly. I want to scream at you, that you deserve this; you deserve to be unhappy, for everything you put me through. For leaving me twice & being so god damn hard on me, but I won`t. Because, you do deserve to be happy. I honestly didn`t think you would miss me though. Because honestly, I know we always said, "Baby, it takes two to tango." but I do see most of this as your fault. & Maybe that`s just my way to get past everything, but I do. The way I see it; if you would have never left me once, we would have been okay. Not that I wish we could go back; as you already know; I`m happier than I`ve ever been. & I know it hurts you to see me this happy; with anyone that isn`t you. & I just want to scream at you & tell you to get over it. That`s what you would always tell me "get over it" It`s your turn now; grow up; & get over it. I know this may seem harsh coming from me, but you do need to hear it from someone. I`m not coming back & I know you made it a point to tell me that "you weren`t telling me any of that because you wanted me back" but I also could still tell you had that little piece of hope left. Well, you get let that hope fall to the ground & shatter, because I will never go back to you. I`m not totally sure if you were giving me the guilt trip, but it sure as hell felt like it. You said you missed me & still wished I would have had your child; baby, that didn`t happen, so let it go. You think that maybe that would have changed something; I`m glad it didn`t. As much as you told me, I brought YOU down, YOU brought me down. A LOT. & Your god damn family. I despise those people as much as I do anyone. They think they are so much better than everyone, but they have got to be the W0RST people I`ve ever met. & I`m sorry to put them down like that, but I`m entitled to MY opinion, especially after the way they treated ME. & I tried with everything I had to make it work with them.. & The fact that they wouldn`t meet me half-way makes me hate them EVEN more. FUCK THEM. EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM. & The bad thing is, I fucking mean that. And honestly, I hope to hell you turn out like your DAD`S side of them family. & If you don`t; I feel sorry for the woman that decides to put up with you & your family. A; don`t become them. Please. & About the whole 32 YEAR OLD, CULPEPPER; I D0 think you deserved that! You knew exactly what the hell you were getting into. & It didn`t stop you. & The fact that she doesn`t care enough to stay away from you, well; that shows ME something. I mean, yeah, that`s great that she makes you happy or whatever; but does she see what she`s DOING to you?? Hmm? You aren`t fucking happy right now. & does she realize everything she`s putting on the line? For you & her? So, what the hell do your lovely parents think about that? Hmm, they probably don`t even know, do they? Well, I hope they find out. Just because how you let them do me; you deserve it. & I know this isn`t turning out the way I intended & I`m being a total bitch, but you DESERVE it. God damn, I let you & your fucking family make me feel like COMPLETE SHIT for MONTHS & MONTHS; a YEAR; & I hope you get what I got. I do. & Your big dreams; you need to come back D0WN TO EARTH; it`s honestly not that bad here on Earth; you should visit us down here.. =) Because you are just setting yourself up to be LET D0WN. Things are not always going to go YOUR way.. & It`s just going to hurt even worse because your head is up in he clouds. Alright? I just could go 0N & 0N about you, but I`m sure I`ve made you feel even worse. Just a little bit of advice though; if you`ll get so damn pissed at me & blame everything that happened on ME; you`ll feel a lot better about yourself. Baby, you don`t have to let me go, because I`m already gone.

Wow, can you fucking believe it!?! Look who it is! Yes, I am this fucking bored. The boyfriend is at work & will be until 11pm & I`m here, B0RED. I honestly, waaan a job. How fucked up is that? Buut, yeah; I`ve kinda been talking to my parents about that. I could go work with Justin, my boyfriend. He cooks & I would be waitressing, but I really don`t know if I want to work with him. We talked about it the other day & what if one of us got pissed off? & We`ve really never fought. I got pissed at him one night over Tiff because she got drunk & he left with her [ I told him too } but I thought they would come back & they DiDN`T, but anyways. & We were talking yesterday & he was like "I don`t want us to start fighting all the time." & I was like "We don`t fight, do we?" & He was like "No, & I don`t want us to. That`s what I`m saying. So, if you ever have a problem with me, let me know. If I`m being a dick, let me know." So, I said "Well, then you have to let me know when I`m being a bitch.." & He didn`t wanna agree to that, but he did. =) Anyways, I just got WAAAY off track. Anyways, like I was saying; I WANT // NEED a job, BAAAD. The only thing is, with me playing volleyball, nothing would probably work out. =l Buut, I`ll have a season in between volleyball & softball, so I could get a job then.. =) I really don`t wanna hafta wait that long, but I do.. & I`ve gotta go get my work permit. Oh, Justin`s hardcopy of his liscense came in the mail today. He ALWAYS wears yellow in pictures, which is fine by me. He`s like, the most tan person I know, so yellow is sexy on him. Hah; you should see his tanlines. They seriously crack me up.. Hmm, anyways, so, I`m happier than ever & life fucking rocks. The end.