“Ugh can’t find one pair of my socks, dont you hate when that happens?”

“Cooking FESSENJOON with @FARRAH, loving life!”

—guess what you joons would think–“well, i really kinda dont care”. Maybe some of you guys wouldn’t be as polite, and just navigate to a different webpage or send us some email saying “wtf are you writing about” to sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Well, thats how I feel about certain people when I login to facebook, twitter, tumblr, take YOUR PICK!

What is this world coming to? Updating social media with constant statuses on your life, your emotional health, or even physical health (ex: “Feeling so sick today! BOO!”) — you’re inflating your ego.

Do you really think we care?

NO. Even if we pretend we do– we really don’t give a fuck. I personally don’t care how you’re feeling at some random moment, unless it is relevant to MY existence. Does that sound selfish? Its not, its NORMAL.

*by we i mean the rest of the victims of your overshare: your fbook friends, twitter followers, etc.

People already are very self-centered: they think they are the center of the universe– that is natural– but all that social media does is inflate this notion.

All of a sudden, emotions and moments aren’t passing or fleeting, they are documented phenomenas.

“PREGAMING @Tinas house! My girls are my life”

Guess how many fucks I give?

“Feeling low, I hate my job– need a vacation”

…..really?

“DAY 3 OF MY NEW YEARS DIET! GO ME!”

…………………….REALLY? do you want me to ‘LIKE’ this and tell you what a great job you’re doing? Because at the end of the day, if you eat a fucking cookie or run 10 miles–I dont give a shit. Since when were personal accomplishments valued against the applause they got?

Anyway, I’ve gotten it down to 4 categories (some overlap):

1. The Emotional Oversharers: Yeah, they’re the ones updating you every second on how they’re feeling, often its depressing statuses that seem more like vague Emma Bronte poems. Or about how ambitious they are “Feeling ambitious today, time to kick ass!”…uh..OK? is that supposed to inspire me to not procrastinate my responsibilities? Who made you fckin Lance Armstrong.

2. The Lyricists: We all love music, sometimes we love certain lyrics TOO much we’ll say it at inopportune times (“BALL SO HARD”) but song lyrics were not meant to be photo captions or statuses. I dont care if you look like Megan Fox, I will be LOLing very heard when I see a “behind these hazel eyes” as your profile caption. Or even better– “my chick bad, my chick hood, my chick do stuff dat yo chick wish she could”…..I’ve seen that as a caption to a very random self portrait, and I have almost died laughing.

3. The Life-Flaunters: These are the people that tell you where they are, what they’re doing, all the time– and I really believe they think they’re mini-celebrities. Do they realize they just facilitate stalking? Oh, but they like the attention? Oh, so they’re attention whores. Got it. But really, these people tell you things as if to make their lives a billboard, here’s a FBOOK UPDATE: FRIENDS ARE NOT FANS.

Having 2000 friends, and 2000 stalkers doesn’t make you a Kardashian, it makes you a joke.

and please please please-I’ve seen this a lot–don’t endorse brands, if they’re NOT paying you or you work for them. “Just had HONEST TEA, the.best.tea.ever”– if I ask you for a tea recommendation, sure, tell me about it. If no one has asked, don’t do free marketing. Go do something real with your life and make some real $$$$.

4.The RandomDetail-ers: “Didn’t know I could make cake with applesauce!”, “Benching 400 at the gym, time for a protein shake”, “Sunday mornings are the best with a cup of coffee and a good book”— I have nothing to say about them, because the ridiculousness is pretty apparent.

Now I don’t want to go into an analysis of why our society is ridiculous like this, but ill give you a few reasons– and maybe we can all agree to go on a DIET.

FACT ONE:If you rely on feedback from your facebook or other web outlets, you don’t have friends. Seriously, if you think having more than 1000 friends makes you popular– you probably still think Santa Claus exists. By creating the ‘FACADE’ of having many friends, you’re losing out on making real ones. Instead of calling someone up or texting them something personally relevant to them– you post a status to gain exposure by many people.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Its a cycle, people stop connecting personally with each other, and instead begin just creating a glass cage for themselves. People watch you from the outside but you can’t hear them from the inside–cause you’re too busy thinking about how you feel today and what song lyric you can caption your picture with.

FACT TWO:Along the same lines as glass cages, you’re losing your privacy. I know we’ve all seen and heard of the lawsuits and advertising strategies that surround Facebook– but its more than that: The lines between our public and private lives have blurred. This is not just thanks to social media, its thanks to Reality TV and its rising popularity. Reality TV stars like Kim Kardashian make us believe that our lives are like neat TV episodes, and millions of viewers watch. We’ve forgotten that there are really limits and walls that need to stay up. Telling the world about your constant depressive nature isn’t going to get you help and isn’t raising awareness, sorryboutit– all it does is create this fake feeling that some fake friends (who you probably haven’t seen in person in a long time) CARE.

THEY DON’T CARE.

Here are examples of what needs to be private: your hate for your boyfriend (your love life basically), that slut you effed last night, your EMOTIONS, your friday night activities, Your Professional life (thank god employers regulate that shit), and your diseases.

I’m sure we’d all be apalled if we saw a status: “AH, just got back from the doctor–Looks like I have Leukemia!”

By the way: Don’t tell the world if you’re having digestive problems, please. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment.

FACT THREE: Less is More. LESS. Less. Less. Do you know why an Hermes Bag is worth more than a Louis Vuitton bag? Because they make less of it a year. Its basic economics and basic business. The less there is available, the more people value it– think: caviar, guys/girls who play hard to get, and money. if you’re flooding everyone’s newsfeed, at some point people stop listening to you– so when you really have something of value to say, or you’re really doing something that needs a large social network (i.e, raising money, marathons, news etc) you won’t be getting enough feedback. People are so used to hearing worthless things, they tune it out. Don’t get to that point.

Make your page a destination of information that is valuable.

Now if you consider yourself an overshare queen or king, there is help. you can email sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com, or you can follow the following diet– i am available as a sponsor (just sayin!)

A Saaghi Diet:

- Gather your dignity and self-respect, and walk away from the laptop,smartphone, or iPad.

- Count how many friends call/text you a day– if its a depressing number, time to get out there and be a real social person. I know you can’t do it from the comfort of your livingroom/toilet/class and in your sweats, but it sure as hell feels better.

- if you really can’t help yourself from updating 840302480324 times a day, time for some serious rehab: everytime you have an urge, mark a tally mark on your forehead. Finally, you will be getting the attention you want- and you will have a very good time explaining to people what a few hundred tally lines are doing on your forehead. You might even make a friend. (that you’ll add on fbook two minutes later)

Think I missed a category? Or do you enjoy oversharing and think I should care?