Ask a Stoner: How can I pass my drug test?

Dear Stoner: I've never tried marijuana, but lately my pot-smoking brother-in-law has been hanging out at our house with his stash, and I've been thinking of taking a toke or two with him. Any pointers for my first time?

Newby Nate

Dear Nate: While I'm sure your brother-in-law would love to show you the most potent, dankest buds he has, ask him if he's got anything mid-strength for your first time. Also, try to avoid strong sativas, as they tend to be more anxiety-producing than indicas can be. At the absolute worst, you'll get slightly too high and a little paranoid for a few minutes. Don't worry, it will pass. And if it happens, at least you'll know cannabis smoking is not for you.

But that's probably not going to be the case. Still, take it easy your first time — maybe two or three hits at most to see how it affects you. If you're starting to dig it, then have a few more hits and crank some Zeppelin or some Marley. Sounds even better now, doesn't it? Yeah, marijuana will do that. At this point, you might also want to consider ordering a pizza or finding a ride to the local sushi bar, as you're likely to get slammed with the munchies.

Dear Stoner: I'm a daily puffer, and I've got a drug test coming up that I probably would fail just by breathing on the test cup. Any advice on how to pass a pee test?

Uri Nell

Dear Uri: Your best option is to give up smoking herb for up to a month before the test — if that's possible. No, we wouldn't like it either — but you do what you have to in order to earn a living these days. Your second-best option is to get a synthetic urine kit from a local head shop. They come with pre-packaged pee and a portable hand-warmer to help get the pee up to temperature; some even come with a fake wang so that you can actually "pee" into the cup. QuickFix and TestClear have the best reviews online, and numerous friends have used one of these to pass everything from simple pre-employment tests to Department of Transportation screenings. (Whatever you do, though, don't go for one of the detox kits. All they have you do is chug a Gatorade-like drink along with two gallons of water, supposedly so your pee will be diluted enough to pass.) The third, last-ditch option is to smoke a quarter right before you go in and hope that the levels are so high that the test is tossed on a technicality. That, or find a job in the marijuana industry: I assure you that employers there don't care.

Get the Weekly Newsletter

Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.