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I recently had the huge honor of meeting one of my personal heroes: U.S. Senator Elizabeth Warren. Though I did once consider running for office, my admiration for Senator Warren isn’t purely political: There are few people out there today, in any field, who are able to set aside their fear of not being liked in order to do the work that they were born to do. This is particularly true of women, who seem to be both born and raised to consider others’ opinions and seek consensus before they act.

I hold myself to many standards, and receiving others’ approval has always been one of them, no matter how hard I try to pretend otherwise. I have never found a way to separate my drive to do great things in the world from my need for approval from other people. My perfectionism motivates me to exceed expectations in everything that I do; but the problem is that this flawed strategy works. I work harder to be better and to achieve more—for others’ approval, and for my own—and when I get that approval, it reinforces my need to continue striving for perfection in perpetuity.

Perfectionism has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I see it as a product of three factors: I hold myself to excessively high standards, and I often worry that I’m not living up to my potential. I’m powerfully empathetic, which puts me in the position of thinking about other people’s feelings and perceptions more often than most. Last, for me, toxic perfectionism is a manifestation of obsessive-compulsive disorder—adding fuel to the fire.

What’s the link between perfectionism and the fear of not being liked? My perfectionism and my OCD have convinced me that unless I am perfect, I will face terrible consequences. So whether you obsessively perfect your appearance or the work that you do, you are convinced that anything less than perfection is deeply shameful—and for those of us who are highly attuned to other people’s feelings, shame is a truly terrifying prospect.

What I admire about Elizabeth Warren is her ability to persist in doing what she knows is right, in spite of the backlash that she’ll inevitably face. There’s an unspoken understanding that compels women to be agreeable. Others expect it of us, so we expect it of ourselves. Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign shed light on this inherent conflict: Can a woman be viewed as likable at the same time as we’re asking her to prove her competence—particularly in a traditionally male role? How can we be ambitious without being perceived as threatening; outspoken without being heard as shrill; intellectual without being seen as cold?

Though my time with Senator Warren was brief, what I wanted to say to her was, “Thank you for inspiring women like me to set aside their fear of not being liked in favor of doing what we know is right.” Her courage and persistence remind me that my incessant need to gain others’ approval is self-defeating: By watering down the person that I am in order to meet others’ standards, I’m diluting what makes me unique—lessening the chance that I’ll contribute anything worth noticing in my lifetime. In turn, this widens the gap between who I am and who I believe I should be—setting off a chain of alarms in my perfection-driven brain.

Ever since, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on the fear of not being liked: Why it’s so dangerous, and how perfectionistic, empathetic women like me can work to overcome it. Here’s the wisdom that I’ve gathered.

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10 Ways to Overcome the Fear of Not Being Liked

#1: Question the tapes that play on repeat in your head.

Are your thoughts a constant stream of criticism about yourself and other people? It’s critical to figure out how to turn down the volume down on that kind of negativity by consciously transforming the way that you talk to yourself. When you constantly undermine your own self-esteem, you’ll find yourself trying even harder to win other people’s approval in order to feel worthy—but when you’re constantly criticizing yourself, you become more critical of other people, too. In this way, placing too much pressure on yourself to be liked by other people can have exactly the opposite effect.

Also, when you’re in your own head, it makes it harder to be the kind of person that attracts other people to you. After all, how well can you listen to other people if your brain is firing off constant criticism about yourself and the people around you? When you break out of your own consciousness for a little while, you realize that you’re not the only one fighting a difficult battle—which can help you to connect with other people rather than isolating you.

#2: Remind yourself that people’s opinions are incredibly subjective.

You know the saying, “It’s not my cup of tea”? Imagine trying to prepare a cup of tea that appeals to everyone. How can you satisfy the people who like green tea with sugar, black tea with honey and lemon, herbal tea with milk—and the people who’d rather have a strong cup of coffee? You’d end up with a cup of lukewarm water—pleasing no one at all. (For the record: My cup of tea would be a strong chai with almond milk and a generous spoonful of honey.)

It’s better to make the best damn cup of tea you can, which will naturally attract “your people”: The ones who genuinely appreciate what makes you you—no convincing or pandering required. If you spend your life trying to tweak your personality and preferences to please everyone you meet, everything that’s original about you—the qualities that draw your people to you—will end up on the cutting room floor.

#3: Accept that people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they are.

You know how noisy the inside of your head is? You’re not alone in that. We all spend the vast majority of our time focused on our own worries and struggles. Knowing that, why would we let our fear that others will think poorly of us dictate how we spend our lives? Imagine going up to an acquaintance whose opinion you value (or fear) and telling them, “I’m holding myself back from doing what matters to me in life because I worry that you’ll disapprove.” Any reasonable person will respond, “Seriously?! What I think doesn’t matter—just do what makes you happy!”

#4: Reassure yourself that the people who love you just want you to be happy.

Each of us has a handful of people whose opinions have the right to impact our decisions—and those are the same people who will most likely love you regardless of how you choose to spend your time. So do the work that makes you feel fulfilled; get married and have kids at whatever age feels right to you (or don’t do it at all)—just don’t let the opinions of insignificant people hold you back from spending your life how you need to.

#5: Strive to be respected; being liked can come later.

Winning someone’s respect is so much more enduring and meaningful than winning their approval. Here’s the perfect example to illustrate this: Think about the graph during a presidential debate that depicts the audience’s real-time reaction. Their ratings fluctuate wildly in response to incredibly subjective factors like word choice, tone, facial expressions, and interactions between candidates. Imagine a politician whose sole strategy is to keep people’s ratings of him or her consistently positive. They would have to avoid saying anything of any importance because it would simply be too risky. In the end, of course, the strategy would completely backfire, because who would vote for someone who failed to say anything that actually mattered to the people listening?

If you live your life like this, it’s inevitable that you’ll lose sight of what’s important. You can’t get anything done without taking risks—and the most worthwhile, life-changing risks often involve taking a stand on something that matters to you, no matter what the social consequences might be. Think of someone who you admire—do you admire them because they’ve failed to offend anyone, or because they’ve had a real impact on the world? They might not be universally liked—Elizabeth Warren certainly isn’t—but they’ve won the respect of their people. Don’t get distracted by the ebb and flow of criticism and praise from people who don’t matter—command the respect that you deserve, and other positive effects will follow.

#6: Never forget that there’s important work to be done that only you can do.

Using other people’s approval as a compass to let you know you’re headed in the right direction will always lead you off-track. Only your own intuition can lead you to the work that you’re meant to be doing in life—not just for your own fulfillment, but to fill a gap in the world that only you can. The pursuits that you’re passionate about aren’t a coincidence—they’re the areas where you can make a true difference in your lifetime. Your unique skillset and perspective are your greatest asset, not a liability—so make it your goal to find a place where you’re valued for who you are and can make a meaningful contribution.

#7: Embrace the fact that what makes you unique is your competitive differentiator.

You’ll never find fulfillment or lasting success by striving to be a second-rate version of someone else. There’s a difference between improving the person that you are, and trying to become someone that you’re not. We’re all challenged to become more well-rounded versions of ourselves and step outside of our comfort zones in order to progress. However, your job is to become a first-rate version of yourself, not to become more like someone else—that would diminish the contributions that only you can make.

Here’s some #realtalk on this subject that I learned the hard way when I was struggling to find my first job out of school: When you’re interviewing for a job, it’s easy to focus too hard on pleasing everyone in the room; but you simply won’t get hired if you’re not memorable. By airbrushing your personality and your story to try to fit everyone’s expectations, you might come across as competent and personable—but ultimately, you’ll be forgettable. What makes you unique is your competitive differentiator—so embrace that; don’t shy away from it. (Unless you’re a jerk. See #10.)

#8: Focus on building each other up.

When you’re hyper-focused on winning other people’s approval, it’s almost impossible not to become competitive and defensive. It might feel counterproductive to publicly praise someone else when doing so sends positive attention in their direction rather than yours. However, not everything in life is a zero-sum game. Plus, let me tell you a little secret from social science: When you say negative things about other people, they associate those qualities with you rather than with the person you’re talking about.

Positivity, encouragement, and support are not finite resources; and fostering an environment where kindness is thrown around like confetti is beneficial for everyone. This is especially important for women to realize, and even more so in male-dominated fields: One woman’s achievements pave the way for all of those who work alongside her, as well as those who come after her. The world is tough enough as it is; we don’t have to step on each other to make our way to the top, no matter how steep the competition might be. Rather than burning the ladder you climbed so that no one else can follow you, use your influence to create an environment where there’s room for more than just one female leader.

#9: Pay attention to how social media makes you feel.

Social media enables us to compare ourselves to other people on a daily (or even hourly) basis. If you don’t closely monitor the impact that this has on your mental state, it’s all too easy to wind up feeling dissatisfied with who you are or what you have without even realizing why. Even worse: It’s not easy to disentangle your sense of self-worth from the feedback that you get on social media once you’ve been sucked in.

That’s why it’s important to take a step back and observe the effect that social media has on your mood and your thoughts. How can you build a more affirming, positive experience for yourself—and which steps do you need to take to extricate your self-esteem from the amount of likes that you get?

#10: Just don’t be a jerk.

I saved the simplest principle for last. If you want people to like you, treat them with kindness and respect, and they’ll return the same to you. It’s easy to convince yourself that winning people’s favor is as complex and mysterious as alchemy. You don’t need to jump through hoops. Make kindness a cornerstone of your personal brand, and the relationships that you want will follow.

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So, here’s what you need to remember (pin this chart if it resonates with you!):

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How to Overcome the Fear of Not Being Liked: 12 Inspiring Quotes

Here’s what other people have to say about the fear of not being liked—some quotes that you’ve heard before, and some that I’ve uncovered:

“There’s no little certificate that says, You are liked. You have arrived. You are good enough now and forever. There is only where we are now and where we want to be. You need to work to find your own pathways in the world. Other people are not going to save you. You’re going to save yourself: through slow, deliberate action. When you act all doubtful and needful and desperate, you make yourself the wretched nobody that you’re scared of being. Get out more. On your own. Make this a part of your routine. List the things that you know about yourself. What do you like doing? What are you objectively good at? What music makes you feel the most alive? What are you afraid of? What do you know you need to work on to be a happier person? You start digging for what makes you special. You tear up the years of violent self-shaming and you drag those little jewels up out of the dirt. You’re smart. You’re a good listener. You can make great macaroons. Whatever. You dig them up and you polish them and you commit to taking care of them and looking at them as often as you need to.” —Beth McColl

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” —Howard Thurman

“It’s perfectly okay to want to be liked by other people. Given the choice, who in their right mind would rather be disliked than liked? The problem comes when we need to be liked in order to be happy. Once it becomes a need, we’ll do all sorts of crazy things to fill that bottomless pit of craving acceptance in order to feel whole. The saddest part of ‘needing to be liked’ are the countless sacrifices you’ll have to make in the attempt to reach the impossible goal of being universally liked. Exceptional men and women live their truth regardless of whether or not everyone liked them. This means rejecting the urge to change who you are based on the company you’re surrounded by on a moment-to-moment basis. People will be repelled by you for reasons you may never know. Here’s what we can control: Being a better person than we were yesterday, knowing clearly what we value, and living our truth.” —Shola Richards

“Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” —Marianne Williamson

“You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It’s their mistake, not my failing.” ―Richard Feynman

“People who frequently seek the attention and praise of others are looking for an external validation of themselves. They want something outside of them to deem them worthy, able, and good. Usually, this is because, at their core, they are filled with self-doubt. So they do what they can to increase positive feedback and eliminate negative feedback. But when we act in such a way that eliminates negative criticism, we also eliminate many, many possible lifestyles, actions, and directions from our realm of possibility. Within all of us, there are numerous things we really, deeply wish we could do. But we end up sacrificing our selves and our dreams to try to appease those around us. The funny thing is—whether we invest energy into making others like us or not, there will always be people who don’t. When you simply mimic the values of your current company, your opinion stops being yours. You become a hypocritical piece of clay, molding yourself constantly to try to fit in everywhere, and in doing so, retaining no shape to call your own. Most people won’t know the you that’s buried beneath, and you may begin to forget that person too. On the other hand, habitually presenting your genuine, vulnerable self does nothing but strengthen your acceptance of who you are. Your fears may never entirely cease, but you will learn that acting in spite of them was more important.” —Jordan Bates

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” —Steve Jobs

“Perfectionism is a particularly evil lure for women, who, I believe, hold themselves to an even higher standard of performance than do men. Too many women still seem to believe that they are not allowed to put themselves forward at all, until both they and their work are perfect and beyond criticism. I’ve watched far too many brilliant and gifted female creators say, ‘I am 99.8 percent qualified for this task, but until I master that last smidgen of ability, I will hold myself back, just to be on the safe side.’ Now, I cannot imagine where women ever got the idea that they must be perfect in order to be loved or successful. (Ha ha ha! Just kidding! I can totally imagine: We got it from every single message society has ever sent us! Thanks, all of human history!) But we women must break this habit in ourselves—and we are the only ones who can break it. We must understand that the drive for perfectionism is a corrosive waste of time, because nothing is ever beyond criticism. No matter how many hours you spend attempting to render something flawless, somebody will always be able to find fault with it. (There are people out there who still consider Beethoven’s symphonies a little bit too, you know, loud.) At some point, you really just have to finish your work and release it as is—if only so that you can go on to make other things with a glad and determined heart. Which is the entire point. Or should be.” —Elizabeth Gilbert

“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” ―Olin Miller

“Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’ Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: ‘If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.’” —Brené Brown

“Part of growth is learning to create inner peace without being dependent upon things turning out a certain way, or needing people to respond to you in a specific way. You want to create as something you are and be able to give and share it with others. You become the center, radiating your soul’s light outward, rather than waiting for situations, relationships, and events in your life to be arranged in such a way that you have peace.” —Orin

“We all want to be loved and accepted, but this most human desire to connect and belong can hamper us when we let the opinions of others decide how we ought to live our lives. Yet if we allow our courage and self-love to speak louder than our fears, we ultimately learn that the road we thought ‘harder’—that of harnessing our unique potential without regard to the pressures and opinions of others—is the only one that can lead to success and fulfillment. And it’s the only road that leads to true connection as well, built on the support and cherishing of your differences that lie at the heart of all genuine affection.” —Goalcast

Overcoming the fear of not being liked can be a lifelong battle—and that’s okay. Rather than adding “caring too much about what other people think” to the list of flaws that make you feel inadequate and ashamed, it’s important to realize that placing importance on other people’s perceptions of us is in our nature as social creatures. Our connections with other people are vital to our survival. What you do have control over is the degree to which the fear of judgment impacts your actions and your self-esteem.

I truly hope that these 10 strategies to overcome the fear of not being liked will help you to boldly pursue the life that you deserve. Plus, here’s a playlist to inspire you to kick ass and take names, no matter what’s standing in your way. I can’t wait to hear what you think in the comments!

Related

February 3, 2018

42 Comments

Angel

March 5, 2018

Building each other up is such an important thing to remember! If more women embraced that we are in community, rather than competition with one another, I think that would help to get rid of the unrealistic expectations of perfection.

Robin

March 5, 2018

Exactly!! It’s sad how we all unknowingly reinforce those unfair standards by expecting them of each other. That’s why recognizing that the standards exist is step 1, and actively defying them by being just a little bit kinder + more supportive is so important! Thanks for reading, Angel 🙂

Robin

Jordan

March 5, 2018

“So whether you obsessively perfect your appearance or the work that you do, you are convinced that anything less than perfection is deeply shameful—and for those of us who are highly attuned to other people’s feelings, shame is a truly terrifying prospect.” – Man, that really hit home. I related to so much of this. I’m bookmarking so that I can come back and re-read this list on a frequent basis 🙂

Shannon

Robin

Samantha

March 5, 2018

It took me a long time to realize all this, but once you do, it changes your whole life. I always ask myself “why does it matter?” and usually it doesn’t. It was nice to hear everything written out in this post to remind myself how the little things don’t matter.

Laura | The Yellow Birdhouse

Robin

March 7, 2018

You are so not alone in that!! It’s so common to feel like there’s a spotlight on you all day, every day; and every awkward action that you make or word that you say is being scrutinized. But everyone else feels that way, too–which means that it’s impossible that other people are paying such close attention, because they’re too busy obsessing about their own awkwardness! 🙂

Falak

Robin

March 7, 2018

You are so welcome–thank you so much for reading it! #7 is such a huge one for women trying to make it in the workplace–we focus too much on emulating other successful people, when we should be focused on learning from others’ examples AND making our own unique contributions. It’s the only way to make a real difference–but the fact that it’s important doesn’t make it any easier to strike out on your own!

Denise

March 6, 2018

Oh wow, number one really hit home with me. I have so many tapes that play over and over in my head, and most are not real kind. I’m taking your advice and going to make some move to up the positive and up my strength. Thank you! (and so cool for meeting Senator Warren!!!)

Robin

March 7, 2018

I am so glad this all rang true for you! (And omg, I know, right?! Still in awe!!) Women are SO hard on themselves–I think we believe that it’s what we deserve (which is so sad), and that being hard on ourselves somehow helps us improve. But as determined, smart, talented, hardworking women, we have to realize we’re not doing ourselves a favor by steeping our brains in negativity all day–we have to believe in ourselves before anyone else can! Otherwise, our self-esteem depends entirely on other people’s approval–which is exactly the problem I’m working hard to overcome.

Nicole | Glamorously You

March 6, 2018

#10 is one of my biggest mantras too (although I replace the word “jerk” with “a**hole” but the same message gets across lol). I am definitely working through this right now in my career. It’s not where I want it to be and I find myself struggling only with my mind half the time.

Robin

March 7, 2018

Hahaha I love it!! It’s crazy how many roadblocks we throw in our own way on our individual paths to success. I’m convinced that at least 75% of the difficulties I face in my day-to-day work are purely psychological–namely, how can I separate my self-esteem from other people’s opinions of my work and my talent? It’s a huge battle, but realizing it’s entirely within your control is a huge step!

Misadventures with Megan

Robin

March 7, 2018

It’s crazy how convinced we all are that we’re not under close scrutiny day-in and day-out! I wish this was something that we could all just accept as a universal truth so we could give ourselves a break!

Paula@ I'm Busy Being Awesome

March 7, 2018

Wow. I could relate to this entire post. Thank you for sharing your own story and also all of your wonderful strategies. What an incredibly opportunity to meet Elizabeth Warren!

Your statement: “It’s better to make the best damn cup of tea you can, which will naturally attract “your people”: The ones who genuinely appreciate what makes you you—no convincing or pandering required.” really resonated with me. I’m going to write “It’s better to make the best damn cup of tea you can” on a post-it note and put it on my office computer 🙂

Robin

March 7, 2018

Thank you so much, Paula–your comment made my day!! I love picturing that post-it note on your desk–I might make one, too! 🙂
I absolutely loved Big Magic. Her personification of creativity as an autonomous force is just SO cool. Even better is her way of calling out every excuse that creative people make about not being ready to do the work we were born to do. It’s truly changed my life.

Brandi Michel

March 8, 2018

Great, great, great post! I love #2: Remind yourself that people’s opinions are incredibly subjective. We are all uniquely and fearfully made. We are called to stand out and let our own beautiful light shine.
I’ve always personally struggled with not being comfortable when I know someone doesn’t like me. But I’ve learned over the years that it’s part of living. And it happens the more you step out and share yourself with the world. The good news is, there are way more people that love you and need what you have to offer the world. So, you’ve gotta keep moving forward! Great post!

Robin

March 8, 2018

Thank you, Brandi!! SO true. The bigger the ripples you make, the more people will decide that you’re just not their cup of tea. But we have to look at that as a sign that we’re having an impact–not that we need to change what we’re doing. (Unless you’re a jerk, as I made sure to mention, haha!) So glad you loved the post, thank you for your thoughtful comment 🙂

Asha

March 8, 2018

Thank you for sharing! I think there’s a lot of people who need to read this. One thing that I had to learn early on, and would add to point number 2, is that not only are people’s opinions subjective but their opinions are also reflective of how they view themselves. Their opinion of you often says way more about them than it ever does about you.

Robin

March 10, 2018

That is a great point! That plays into a bunch of things on this list–when you view yourself in a negative way, you are even more critical of those negative qualities in other people. Thanks for reading, Asha!

Vanessa

March 9, 2018

What a wonderful reminder for me! Perfectionism is something I struggle with as well, to the point that sometimes I don’t even start because I’m afraid I won’t get it right the first time. I’m thankful that I’m *mostly* over that but if it weren’t for my husband I’d probably never have a blog or pursuing my other dreams. It took someone outside of myself to help propel me forward. Thank you for this!

Robin

March 10, 2018

Ohhh yes, procrastination among perfectionists is so counterintuitive but SO common! I do the same thing–if I can’t be great at something, why start? It’s a bad habit that I’m looking to get over, too! Thanks for reading, Vanessa!

Robin

Divya

March 9, 2018

I remember seeing your picture with her on Facebook and FREAKING out because I, like you, have such a deep respect for Elizabeth Warren. This post was exactly, exactly, exactly what I needed to hear right now. I’m starting to spend more time reflecting on my actions, my triggers, my interactions and I realize just how much I do in an effort to appease others and ensure they are comfortable. But it downplays what I believe and my own intelligence.

I’ve bookmarked this post to come back to it over and over and over again. Because it’s something that I think we, as women, need to re-visit often because society makes it so easy to fall back into these gender roles they think we should be playing.

Robin

March 10, 2018

Omg, I am so happy to hear that it rings true to you!! At the end of the day, what matters is that our jobs are fulfilling to US–and worrying too much about what other people think can only lead you off-track. But as empathetic women, it’s so hard to let go of that instinct–it feels selfish and unnatural. I’m trying to be honest with myself about what healthy striving looks like–being motivated by internal goals to become the best version of myself, learn new things, connect with other people, and do what I love–vs. perfectionism, which is motivated by the fear of not measuring up in other people’s eyes. But when we’ve been taught that it’s our job as women to evaluate ourselves through other people’s unrealistic standards and make everyone else happy before ourselves, it can be a lifelong, uphill battle to overcome it! Thanks for your thoughtful comment, as always <3 <3

Johanne

March 10, 2018

Wow, what an awesome experience…meeting Elizabeth Warren. She always looks like such a confident and smart woman! The most difficult part for me when it comes to overcoming fear of not being liked is that I always think ‘what would other people think of me?’ And they probably won’t even think anything. And yes, other people’s opinions are subjective, so why would we worry about that? Luckily, the older I get, the easier it gets to not care about other people’s opinions.

Robin

March 10, 2018

She is so confident + smart–and the amazing thing is that she didn’t get into politics until the last few years! I look at her and I think, “Of course this was her calling–what would she have accomplished if she had started her career in politics earlier?” But maybe it took her whole life to feel like she was able to stop caring what other people thought and do what she knew was right. It makes me ask, “What am I NOT doing now because I’m worried about what other people might think, but it could make the world a better place for other women?” Lots to think about! Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Johanne 🙂

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About Feather & Flint

Feather & Flint is a lifestyle and travel blog in support of vulnerability, authenticity, and fulfillment. Boston-based writer Robin Young Burinskiy discusses living a life that's true to who you are throughout relationships, careers, travel, and beyond.