Daily Archives: January 9, 2013

So apparently I’m supposed to just let him run roughshod over my heart and not say a single fucking thing about it. Right.

Today has gone about as I’d expected so far. He told me this morning he wasn’t flirting anymore and ignored when I said I just wouldn’t fuck anymore. His break came and all he wanted to do was talk about work. No mention of anything that’s going on. At lunch, more of the same. I told him I wouldn’t fight anymore. He told me he wants sex tonight. I told him he’d have to work to get me interested. He dropped it. Now he’s trying to get me to tell him that I love him.

NEVER AGAIN.

I guess I just let him say and do whatever the fuck he wants and not say boo about it. Ok, then I’m going to do whatever I want and not let him stop me. If it works for him it should work for me, right?

I told him that I’ll give him my body but he’ll never again get my heart. By christ I mean that. I’ll never let him make me feel like this again.

I told him that he’s more like a roommate that sometimes wants sex than a husband. We never go out and do anything together anymore. The closest we get is going out for dinner so that he can drink. Yeah, there’s an exciting outing. But that’s fine, I’ll just start planning activities with my girlfriends. I’m sure they’d love to spend some time with me.

I need to get back to building my “life worth living.” It’s a DBT thing. The idea is that you try to surround yourself with things that make you smile and do things (safe and constructive things) that make you happy. Working on my knitting makes me happy. Getting back into school makes me happy. Spending time with my girlfriends makes me happy.

I was still awake when he got home. I was still awake at midnight. I finally gave up and got up at 3:30am. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. Today should be fun.

sweater progress

Since there is next to nothing you can really do at 3:30 in the morning, I decided to knit. I made probably close to 3″ of progress, which is quite a bit considering how long the rows are. I need to measure one of my shirts to see how long this needs to be from neck to bottom, but I know I have a ways to go yet before I’m there. The pink strings are waste yarn holding the live stitches for the sleeves.

I told Josh I’m done fighting with him. He claims he’s done flirting, since that’s what caused all of the problems yesterday. He flirted, I got horny, he wasn’t willing/able to do anything about it because of his poor planning. So now he won’t flirt anymore. I told him that’s fine – I won’t fuck anymore. Problem solved.

He’s punishing me again. Last night when he got to school he abruptly cut off communication for over an hour. When he did finally say something it was about school. He’s done the same thing again this morning. Again, this is fine – I know how to ignore the phone, too.

I told him last night that there’s really no point to any of this anymore, it just doesn’t matter. He insists that our “marriage” is worth saving. I just don’t see it. He claims I’m too obstinate to see it. Whatever. I took off my wedding ring and left it on his nightstand last night. It’s still there this morning. Why should I wear a ring when I don’t feel like I have a husband anymore?

The mood is pretty neutral right now. I’m trying my best to stuff my feelings so that I can maybe get some things done here today. I have noticed I’m carrying the stress in my back this time. I realized I was all tensed up while I was smoking this morning. I tried to force my muscles to relax, but they kept bunching back up. This isn’t really all that unusual for me, it’s just annoying. I probably should have taken some Tylenol this morning to see if that would help but I wasn’t thinking about it at the time. Right now I’m just waiting for the headache to kick in – that’ll be the next thing I get to deal with. I’m prepared for that though; I’ve got some Fioricets in my purse.

I guess I just don’t feel like there’s any good reason to keep trying to make this work. I’m just not capable of being a good wife it seems, so why should I keep torturing both of us like this? I can’t get him to see that though. He keeps claiming that everything will be fine today. But how? How can things get “fine” if you don’t talk about what’s going on and you don’t try to make it better? All he wants to do is apologize and move on – he never wants to fix the underlying problems.

I realize this almost certainly means we should be back in couples counseling. I just don’t think it’s worth the time or effort. He’s never going to change, I’m never going to change, we’re constantly going to fight and annoy each other. And that is no way to live. I just don’t think he’s capable of being the man I really need.