There Are Only Six Acceptable Rainbow Foods

One of the redeeming qualities of foodie culture is that the average viral dish—a cronut, a cruffin, a bowl of super fancy ramen, the brisket at Franklin BBQ—usually lives up to its billing. You may have to travel across the country and stand in line for hours on end, but more often than not, you’re usually rewarded with something that is undeniably tasty and memorable.

That can’t possibly be true of the ongoing rainbow food craze. Yes, there’s a rainbow food craze, and it’s fucking stupid. Want proof? Here is the rainbow bagel, product of The Bagel Store, located in Williamsburg (what a fucking shocker). And here is the rainbow grilled cheese sandwich, from Kala Toast in Hong Kong. And finally, here is a goddamn rainbow latte from Sambalatte in Las Vegas. None of these foodstuffs look appealing, especially if you happen to be over the age of eight. In fact, I’d rather eat a live tumor than sink my teeth into rainbow-colored cheese.

Here now is a list of acceptable rainbow foods:

Sherbet

Goldfish crackers

Sprinkles

Birthday cake

Popsicles

Those really big lollipops

That’s it. That’s the list. I don’t need any other dish out there to be laced with fifty gallons of cancerous food coloring. I don’t want a rainbow omelet, or a rainbow burger, or a bowl of fucking rainbow chili. That’s all disgusting and unnatural, and anyone who tries to make another rainbow thing A Thing deserves to have their food truck shuttered and pushed into a lake.

Taken together, rainbow foods represent the viral food craze at its most cynical. These are foods that are clearly designed to be Instagrammed instead of eaten, which means the whole “food” part of the food is left by the wayside. If I want whimsy, I’ll go to the goddamn carnival. Stop making rainbow foods. They’re disgusting.

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