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Pink Rain

By Ariel & Shya Kane

Did anyone ever say something to you that you found offensive? What did you do: walk away in a huff … talk back to him or her … “stand up” for yourself and then feel lousy later? Take the “high road” and feel crummy later? How about lying awake at night, rehearsing all of the better things you could have said … smarter things you should have said … or plotting the really good comebacks that you will lay on the offensive party next time you get the chance?

But have you ever simply let it go? Really let it go? Not just turn the other cheek yet seethe inside at the injustice of it all? Let us tell you how it happened for us:

In the late 90s, we were leading a series of winter retreats in Costa Rica. These particular seminars took place near the beach in Manuel Antonio on the Pacific side of the country. There we made the passing acquaintance of a couple, Rena and Sven. These two people radiated their judgmental nature and we felt uncomfortable just being around them.

One morning the two of us took a taxi to the beach. As we exited the cab we arranged with our driver to come back in an hour to pick us up. As we walked down to the ocean, we ran into Rena and Sven. By way of greeting, Rena said something very catty — not just the words, but also the unspoken subtext of the comment.

We bet you are familiar with loaded comments. Just think of a teenager, stomping to his or her room saying, “Fine!” or some such thing and flinging the door closed. In this case the word “fine” actually means anything but. Teens in particular are good at adding the eye rolling and they are great at dripping sarcasm from a single syllable. You get the idea.

It doesn’t really matter what Rena said that morning. We quickly ended the conversation and moved on down the beach. At first it was a bit of a challenge not to rehash the moment and reinforce the agitation that usually comes along with getting a verbal and energetic bump. Yet we purposefully disengaged from what had happened and got involved in what was happening: our walk. As we strolled along the shore, the sand sifting between our toes, we got engaged in what was in sight: the pelicans flying in formation, their wings practically skimming the waves, the sun, the surf, the birds, our conversation, OUR life. We simply invested in what was actually happening in that moment rather than resist Rena or Sven, and as we continued down the beach the upset fell away. In fact we forgot about the couple altogether.

This is a perfect example of the 3 Principles of Instantaneous Transformation in action:

1st Principle of Instantaneous Transformation – What you resist persists, grows stronger and in this case, accompanies you down the beach as it dominates your life and your current experience. If we had resisted Rena, disagreed with her comment, if we had taken exception to how she and Sven were being and chewed it over between us, then we would no longer have been on the beach. When you are in a fight in your thoughts, that’s where you are locked — in your thoughts.

2nd Principle of Instantaneous Transformation – That couple could only be exactly as they were, with their reality. Rena could only have commented as she did, and we could have only had a spontaneous visceral reaction and been taken aback.

3rd Principle of Instantaneous Transformation – Anything you allow to be exactly as it is completes itself. We just let them alone in our thoughts and the situation and our initial reaction just drifted away. But of course, as frequently happens when something of this nature occurs, life gives you the opportunity to see if you really have let the upset go – and if not, you get another chance to dissolve it! Soon our beach hour was almost up and it was time to meet our taxi and go back to work. But when we walked up to the road to the rendezvous spot, who should be standing there but Rena and Sven. We didn’t want to be rude, but we didn’t want to invite more conversation either. So we simply ambled up the sidewalk and put some distance between us. It was at this point something very sweet and special happened.

In Costa Rica there are many flowering trees. You can see entire hillsides populated with purple, orange, yellow or pink blossoms. Up at the curve of the road was a big old tree laden with pink flowers. Just as we approached, a gentle breeze ruffled our hair and combed through the tree’s branches. And suddenly the tree rained pink petals. We stood there in awe, awash in a soft pink rain.

It was as if the circumstances of our lives were guiding us forward so that we could be witness to such a magical moment. We weren’t walking away from them – we simply kept moving in concert with the wind, and the sun, and our lives. We were in sync. We were appropriate to ourselves and our hearts. When you are in the moment you are a part of the symphony of life and the music isn’t discordant, the melody is pure and simple. On that particular day the theme was a soft pink rain.

An excerpt from How to Create a Magical Relationship, The Three Simple Ideas That Will Instantaneously Transform Your Love Life

Have you ever found yourself in one of those moods where no matter what your partner says or does, it is all fodder for the fight? Where you are angry, disturbed, and nothing he or she says or does is right or good enough to relieve your sense of aggravation?

We recently met a couple, Hal and Mary, in one of these altered states of consciousness. They came to speak to us about their relationship and how, no matter what they did, it always ended in an upset and distress, and their fight never seemed to completely resolve. Oh sure, it abated from time to time, but the embers of disagreement were always just below a thin skin, ready to erupt at any time.

The funny thing was they were both right—from their individual points of view. From his point of view, “She would always . . . ,” and from her point of view, he was wrong and all of her friends agreed with her. This couple had a list of grievances dating back to early in their relationship, past events over which the two of them continued to disagree.

Hal and Mary had fundamental behavior patterns in their relationship that we have seen in other intimate relationships where nothing seems to resolve. No matter how much they tried to change or fix the situation, it stayed the same or became worse. So they came to us, looking at whether or not they should remain together. Their situation was further complicated by the fact that they had a sixteen-month-old child together. By now, the sense of intimacy between them had completely eroded, and while they were very devoted to their daughter, she had become the focal point for many of their fights.

The real problem was that Mary and Hal, for all of their strife, were obviously still in love. They just couldn’t find a way to sidestep the old grievances that kept resurfacing, incendiary mechanical behaviors that set them battling against their will.

Our usual approach is to find out where it all started and what happened that initiated the fight, but when we asked what had caused this pattern of behavior in the first place, Hal and Mary each had their reasons for what the other did or didn’t do that created the situation, and both of them were “right” from their points of view. Apparently, we had a stalemate. No matter what we came up with, each person felt certain that the other was the cause of their stress, upset, and dissatisfaction. This is normal for most relationships that are in trouble.

In situations like this, where the partners have been together for several years, the starting point of the disagreement is obscured forever. So what do you do to alleviate the pain when you are locked in a habituated way of relating that seems to have no beginning and no end—a way of relating that keeps accelerating in its frequency, intensity, and duration?

At some point, the reasons why you are upset become irrelevant because everything becomes grounds for the disturbance. It has been unresolved for so long that there is no way to go back and fix all of the grievances and transgressions.

So what do you do then? You can leave each other, which is the end result that a lot of loving relationships devolve into — it’s called divorce. You can punish each other perpetually and live a life of complaint and pain. Or you can start over.

There have been times in our relationship when we found ourselves fighting and could not find a way out of the disagreement in which we were locked. Finally, we came up with a device that allowed us to stop fighting. One day, we were driving into New York City, and for whatever reason, we were deeply engaged in disagreeing with each other. It escalated and was like a sore tooth that you worry with your tongue; we couldn’t seem to leave it alone. Our silences were noisy — very noisy. And each of us was certain that we were right in our own perspective and that the other was simply wrong. We each felt picked on and misunderstood. It didn’t feel good, but there didn’t seem to be a way to resolve the conflict. Finally, we came up with the idea of starting over. We picked out an overpass ahead on the highway and said, “When we go under that overpass, the fight is over.” This meant that as soon as our car passed that spot, we were going to operate as if this disagreeable conversation had never taken place. Onward we drove. It took discipline at first to resist thinking about the altercation that had just happened, but we kept bringing our thoughts and conversation back to current things, such as what we could see out the window and our plans for the day, rather than rehashing the past.

We can’t remember now what our fight was about. It seemed so important at the time, but now the details have faded into obscurity. We knew that the fight could fade away for Hal and Mary too, if given a chance, and so we suggested that they try starting over. We warned them it would be challenging not to keep going back to past gripes, but they grew excited and intrigued at the idea.

That night, Hal and Mary had a date. They had not been on a real, live date since before their child was born. The point where they started over was the opportunity for a new beginning. They grabbed this chance with both hands, and intimacy resulted. However, the next time an upsetting event happened between them or a similar type of disagreement cropped up over their child, it took discipline to resist the temptation to revisit old events. With practice, the habit of going back to touch on old events in your thoughts or in your actions can fade away.

As leaders, we continue to face an increasing level of complexity. With political shifts happening across the globe, we are finding more than ever before that we are working with people who have dramatically different views than we have. Many are even violating the time-held rule not to discuss politics or religion at work.

For many, these discussions, along with a barrage of political demonstrations and news coverage, have left us feeling overwhelmed and often concerned about our immediate and long-term future. Many people appear more agitated, and agitated people are less effective employees, family members and friends.

An emerging leader and MBA student, Ben, recently told me that he watched two of his staff members come close to physical blows because of a political disagreement. His department is not directly impacted by the political discussion at hand, yet tempers are still high. The challenge for Ben was restoring a civil and supportive working relationship after people crossed lines that are hard to uncross.

In the book Leadership 2050, Mike Morrow-Fox, Susan Cannon and I discuss seven competencies we believe are required for leaders to successfully run complex organizations. Although the book is called Leadership 2050, having these competencies today is more important than ever before.

After hearing Ben’s story, the competency that stood out to me was focusing on being innately collaborative, as it speaks to the challenges we are currently facing. Ben suggested that the disagreement among his staff actually informed him how to promote successful operations going forward because he got to know more about his team than before. Being innately collaborative means seeking multiple points of view to address complex situations with novel or emergent solutions that meet the needs of multiple stakeholders.

I wanted to test my thinking with a diverse group I led to see if we could quickly find common ground. This group started in a neutral environment, and though there was no immediate conflict to resolve, there were clear tensions amidst large local protest. By the end of our discussion, the group had a stronger relationship and willingness to share more openly.

Here are the expectations we set to promote healthy interaction:

1. Acknowledge and surface differing perspectives in the room. Ask people what they see that will allow you to put together the most comprehensive understanding of the current situation and possible solutions. Specifically, you are looking to surface as manydifferent views as possible.

2. Treat everyone respectfully. Pay attention to how you react to everyone. When we look at differing perspectives, there are some we will agree with and others that we’ll find challenging to do so. It is particularly important to pay attention to how we treat people whose opinions differ.

3. Allow people space to express differing points of view without interruption. Be mindful of others’ pace and body language as well as how you are reacting to each individual.

4. Differ constructively. When you express a differing point of view, consider using phrases such as, “From my perspective,” or “Help me understand how you are addressing this specific issue.”

5. Expresswillingness to be influenced by new information. As you listen to others, convey directly that while you have formed a point of view, you are open to exploring different perspectives and revisiting your view as you hear ideas that bolster your thinking.

6. Invite quieter participants to add their perspective. If there are people in the room who are not speaking, consider asking them what they think. Another approach to ensuring everyone participates is to go around the table and ask everyone to explain their point of view.

7. Add a liberal dose of humor. Find the humor in situations, but be careful not to let people think you are making fun of them. When possible, tell a funny story about one of your own experiences to show you don’t take yourself too seriously.

8. Create a new direction that integrates the best thinking of all participants. After listening to everyone’s input, share your take on the outcome of the conversation. End the synthesis by asking people to fill in any gaps or correct any missed points in your synopsis.

Many of us are struggling to make sense of what is happening around us. While we have limited ability to drive national and global policy, we can have a strong impact on our personal and professional relationships. We can reverse the negativity and inject the grace and civility required to allow us to restore a sense of personal security in a time where many feel off balance.

To become a more innovative leader, please consider our online leader development program. For additional tools, we recommend taking leadership assessments, using the Innovative Leadership Fieldbook and Innovative Leaders Guide to Transforming Organizations, and adding coaching to our online innovative leadership program. We also offer several workshops to help you build these skills.

About the Author

Maureen Metcalf, CEO and Founder of Metcalf & Associates, is a renowned executive advisor, author, speaker, and coach whose 30 years of business experience provides high-impact, practical solutions that support her clients’ leadership development and organizational transformations. Maureen is recognized as an innovative, principled thought leader who combines intellectual rigor and discipline with an ability to translate theory into practice. Her operational skills are coupled with a strategic ability to analyze, develop, and implement successful strategies for profitability, growth, and sustainability.

June 7: Oh NO! Here I Go Again! It’s natural to think “Oh NO!” when you recognize that you are getting upset. Being upset is not a flaw or failing. However, when you simply see yourself without judgement, upsets can dissolve in an instant. Tune in to this enlightening episode of Being Here and watch those upsets go “Poof!” Callers welcome at Tel# 1-888-346-9141! Listen Live this Wednesday, June 7th at 9am PST / 12pm EST on the VoiceAmerica Empowerment Channel: http://www.transformationmadeeasy.com/being-here-radio-show/ After this Wednesday, you can stream or download this episode and over 500 episodes on a wide variety of topics from our archives here: http://www.transformationmadeeasy.com/being-here-radio-show-archives/ You can also listen to Being Here on the go! Stream or download new and archived episodes to your smart phone or mobile device with these applications:

I am saddened by the constant battle for higher ground in the Climate Change Public Relations Wars. Where is the intelligence? Where is the collaboration? Where is the innovation? Where is the commitment? Our planet and our grandchildren deserve far better than this.

Like the famous painting shown here, the battle rages on and while there are peacemakers, where are those making the necessary changes? Or in the energy battles, will we continue to cut down those with great technical knowledge and reduce those with a great social conscience?

Like politics, in the climate discussion, the battles take the forefront while the war is being lost. It matters little who has a more acceptable or stronger social message, we must fix this mess. We must reduce emissions of all kinds. We must stop this dangerous trend.

Here is what I experience today (click the links to websites as you read);

1) Before the Flood: Leonardo DiCaprio hopes his new film will inspire climate action

6) The IEA forecasts that in the next 25 years oil sands production in Canada will increase by more than three million barrels per day, âbut the emissions of this additional production is equal to only 23 hours of emissions of China â not even one day,â

Remember the saying; âBull shit baffles brainsâ? Too often, special interest groups and powerful organizations divert us from finding our own truth. Letâs collaboration, learn what is true for us, explore and commit to innovation and, most importantly, change our own behaviors and purchasing.

Rather than give more of your money to King Leonardo with his massive yachts, or Al Gore as he flies the world to end (the use of jet fuel?) emissions, support oil interests, or keep buying large vehicles and consuming cheap energy like there is no accountability, letâs take our own decisions and put our time and money where we intelligently decide.

You have access to the internet, do your own fact checking! You have a global network, collaborate for a better tomorrow. Letâs talk.

As we explore (and Break Through to Yes: Unlocking the Possible within a Culture of Collaboration , here are few suggestions that I take to heart to reduce my own impact on climate change and GHG emissions;

a) walk most everywhere. Take public transit wherever it is too far to walk. Ride your bike! Cars are can be used as a secondary transport system for long distances as a backup, not a primary source. Think of moving around your neighborhood after supper rather than turning on the TV.

b) turn off stuff, especially lights. An estimated 25- 40% of our home energy use is âvampire powerâ (those 27 clocks and flatscreen TVs that must be ready to immediately turn on 24/7, the internet of everything (where everything in our homes is being connected to the internetâ¦) homes

The Collaborative Global Initiative is a group of professionals with very diverse views and backgrounds on energy and environmental protection that are changing the conversations between stakeholders to create a better future for all. CGIhttp://www.collaborativeglobalinitiative.com/