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Thursday, 30 January 2014

Empowerment songs are
nothing new. Of all the things that you can sing about and get the
average Joe on your side, then what better to sing about than average
Joe topics like falling in love, or becoming rich or just feeling
better about yourself for just being you in spite of having neither
of the aforementioned nice things that would mean that you actually
had something to feel better about.

So empowerment songs are nice and
profitable standardised morale boosters. One size fits all gruel that
everyone can take from your song and lie to themselves that it was a
good song, when in fact it just massaged the gaping fear of
inadequacy that they and everyone else feels every moment of their
fleeting lives but never actually confronts and so sedates with
alcohol, empowerment songs and other people's misery in soap operas
that they can compare with their own misery and so feel superior in
comparison.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

So everyone, one of these hasn't been released in a while, which would explain why it's lazily been placed as a January retrospective, without any real references to specific events, but it seemed easier to do that rather than dump everything that had happened during January in the title. So I'll dump it here instead.

For the few of you whoa actually watch this, then enjoy, because there's some alright chatter about Xboxes and Playstations and how dull the Oscars is, and many other recycled opinions to hopefully keep you entertained for the running hour. For those of you who don't watch this, then there's alot of other things to do, here and not here, for you to busy yourselves with.

So if you want to here us chat about the Oscar nominations, discuss the Candy Crush Saga lawsuits and talk about how Microsoft has been bribing Machinima to promote its console in the most deceitful of ways, then please enjoy this next hour of your sorry, miserable, but hopefully temporary life, that you can shit away further by listening to this.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Okay, so I stand by about one thing I said in the discourse
that occurred between Me, Harvey and Simon when Man of Steel first came out,
Man of Steel isn't a terrible film. It might be a bad film however. It might be the worst film of the year in the
same way Frozen might be film of the year; despite
not being technically, artistically or structurally the worst (the latter is
being generous however). But as every film is partially defined by the context
it is released in, then I can vouch that no film was as crushingly
disappointing, bland, mediocre, a waste of significant amounts of talent,
budget and time as Man of Steel: Henry Cavil Chest Hair Edition.

Get it, because the Sequels suck? This took 45 seconds in Paint, be proud.

Zack Synder, Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer put their
heads together backed by the substantial economic backing of Warner Bros/DC with
what should have been a clean slate and THAT is what they manage to do.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

If you read my last article you saw
that I was talking about bad children's comedies, usually staring an
animal of some kind, and briefly glimpsed into how disappointed the
makers of these films must be with their careers. This sort of led me
on a life tangent where I started watching a few terrible children's
films that I found on Netflix. One of these was Spymate, which
follows the classic format of taking an occupation where the
protagonist has to overcome some kind of competition and then just
dumping a chimp into it. It's a modern classic and at a breezy hour
and 20 minutes, feels a lot longer, so you get even more terrible
movie than you went in expecting to get.

But having seen this film, I was curious
about who made it and so went to IMDB. I was met with a pleasant
surprise because the director and writer actually had a profile that
had both a picture, some career details and more credits than simply
a few episodes of a poorly received TV show; with their one failed
attempt to break into film writing dumped in the middle. In this gold
mine I found Robert Vince and Anna McRoberts, two film makers who
seemed to not only have worked together on every film they've ever
made, but also seemed to have solely been making unfunny children's
films about animals doing human jobs over the past decade.

So out of having nothing else really to
do, as well as an urge to take the piss out of people, I thought I'd
take a quick look at some of the stuff that this shit chimp laden kid
flick machine of a team has produced over the years and basically
treat it unfavourably. Along with an under layer of also trying to work
out why they have let their careers turn into solely making these
movies and how they can be happy with this.