Sibling

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Author Says Brothers,

Sisters Shape Our Lives

Think back to how you related to your brothers and sisters while you were growing up.

It may have a lot to do with the conflicts you face now with the people who are closest to you - your spouse, children, friends or co-workers.

Sibling relationships from the past can have a profound influence on our lives today, according to Francine Klagsbrun, who wrote Mixed Feelings: Love, Hate, Rivalry and Reconciliation Among Brothers and Sisters.

The best-selling author, journalist and lecturer will talk about those feelings on Monday during the fifth annual "Of Interest To Women" seminar at the Deerfield Beach Hilton.

"In a way, it's more difficult to talk about this sibling connection than it is [to talk) about our relationships with our parents," Klagsbrun said.

After conducting interviews and completing research, Klagsbrun discovered the way parents relate to their children depends on the kind of relationships they had with their own siblings.

For example, a women who feels guilty about the way she treated a younger sister could end up subconsciously favoring her younger child.

Klagsbrun also said many adults marry people who remind them of siblings, in order to replay a childhood relationship over and over.

Sibling dynamics also are at work in the office, Klagsbrun said.

"An office or institution is set up like a family," she said. "Someone is in charge and the others are equal, like siblings. Employees bring their own family behavior patterns to the worklace."

Those patterns might include jealousy, competitiveness or peacemaking.

Klagsbrun knows about her subject firsthand. Her relationship with her brother inspired her to write Mixed Feelings. She dedicated the book to him: To Robert, with love (mostly).

"He was my big brother and I think I idolized him. I always measured every man in my life against him. I always wanted his approval," she said. "What I think I never realized until I got older was that he wanted my approval, also. He wanted me to admire him. He still does."

The effect of childhood sibling relationships on adulthood has been getting more attention lately from mental health experts, Klagsbrun said. Families are smaller, so sibling relationships tend to be more intense. When parents split up, or some other crisis hits a family, siblings often turn to each other for support.

"There's no one else who had the same parents and lived in that same home," Klagsbrun said. "These relationships continue throughout life. No matter how different each may seem, there is a real community among siblings."