TRUE TALES OF THE FAT DRAGON!

Disclaimer: This piece of art was written by an anonymous person using the alias "The Watcher". I found that ’report’ posted a long time ago on a webpage and saved it. But obviously it was sent initially to Bundy to publish it. I don’t know if Bundy ever posted it himself (he’s never around when you need him ) but I felt it was well worth to be added to the Fort as a constant warning

Note: Fat Dragon=Phat Dragon. He changed his name to Phat Dragon due to certain circumstances but that’s another story:)

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TRUE TALES OF THE FAT DRAGON!

Don’t use my real name. But this is all COMPLETELY true, and I thougt you might like it for your dear Bundy page or even a feature. I didn’t get a demo recorded. If I’d known how hysterical it was going to turn out, I would have !-mystery person... call me... "THE WATCHER!"

PULP FACT:

Fat Dragon played tonight. While looking for a game, I saw his name. I went to observer mode, and followed him. What follows is a TRUE STORY. Only the names were changed to protect the abused...

Fat Dragon autoteams. No one else does. Fat Dragon is on the red team with 2 other guys. There are 9 players on the Blue team.

RED GUY: "Hey, someone switch teams."

FAT DRAGON: "OK."

Fat Dragon switches teams. There are now 2 red guys and 9 blue guys. No one else switches. 2 more red guys join, and a blue eventually drops, but no one switches. It is for this reason that you must not have sympathy for the 9 blue guys who now must suffer the indignity of having Fat Dragon on their team. They will pay the price for this unwillingness to play fair. And Fat Dragon is that price.

For starters, he ran out and got sniped. So you know what he did? He asked the snipers not to "shot" him. He said, "dont shot me! on newswir it said if i say i wont kil you then you wont shot me, so dont shot me!!! i wont kil any sniprs!!!!!"

I swear this is all true. You won’t believe the next part. It’s true. At midnight on February twenty-fifth, all occured...

So, then Fat Dragon says, "I wil go to the bridge and jump up and down so you no who i am and you no not to shot me ok?"

Answer: "No. I will kill you."

FAT DRAGON: "no! dont shot me! i wont kil you! i wil go to the bridge and jump up and down!"

So Fat Dragon goes to the bridge. The sniper gets a glancing blow. some damage.

FAT DRAGON: "It’s me! dont shot! it’s me!" And he jumps up and down.

The sniper draws a bead. He fires. Fat Dragon jumps up and down.

The sniper missed. Fat Dragon jumped up and down in the same spot on 2fort5 for 10 seconds straight saying, "dont shot me" over and over, and the sniper missed. twice.

Then a rocket passed overhead. The sniper ducked behind the wall to avoid the rocket. Fat Dragon ran inside.

FAT DRAGON: "it workd! i said dont shot me and he didnt shot me!! it worked!"

Inside the RED base, an Engineer had build a sentry gun in the ramp room. A BLUE engineer.

BLUE ENGINEER: "Don’t shoot the sentry in the RED room! It’s ours!"

Fat Dragon immediately opened fire. The engineer ran up to him.

ENGINEER: "Stop shooting the sentry!"

FAT DRAGON: "A SPY!"

Fat dragon immediately opened fire. In the chaos that followed, the Red team was able to destroy the unfairly placed sentry gun.

ENGINEER: "Moron!"

Fat Dragon ran out onto the bridge. Four Blue guys were standing on the bridge, shooting anyone who left the red fort. The odds were greatly against the Red team.

FAT DRAGON: "SPIES!"

Fat Dragon ran up behind the Spies that were facing the red fort. He shot the soldier in the feet. The soldier went flying into the water. He shot the Demoman in the feet. The demoman soared into the water. The Other soldier and the Sniper soon followed.

Then something amazing happened. There was no defense. FAT DRAGON GOT THE FLAG.

Of course, he did the only thing he could do. He started jumping up and down in the flag room shouting: "fat dragon gots the flagggg!!1!!!!" over and over

He stayed in the enemy flag room for about 1 minute shouting this before his teammates started asking where the hell he was.

After 2 minutes, some teammaates showed up. A solder and a scout.

Fat Dragon yelled, "SPIES!" and began shooting them. After a while they explained things to him: "Stop shooting you dumb f***, we’re on the same f***ing team!"

FAT DRAGON: "taht was youre fault."

The 2 blue guys stand there. Fat Dragon jumped up and down.

FAT DRAGON: "I gots the flaggtggg!!1!!!11"

They jumped up and down. Fat Dragon jumped up and down. They ran from the room, leading the way to the flag. Fat Dragon jumped up and down.

The scout died in the hallway. The soldier returned.

SOLDIER: "Follow me, dumass!"

FAT DRAGON: "Yea dumass! follow him!"

SOLDIER: "No, you follow me, Fat Dragon."

FAT DRAGON: "Ok. dumass stay heer."

So fat dragon follows. But he makes a wrong turn and ends up in the bottom of the elevator room.

Then he dies. Blows himself up.

BLUE GUY: "Christ what an idiot."

FAT DRAGON: "yea! you didiot!"

So the enemy gets our flag. Fat Dragon is oblivious. He’s now a demoman, and he’s spamming the bridge. No one’s on the bridge, but he’s spamming it just in case. Of course, the guy with the flag runs into one of his grenades and drops the flag.

FAT DRAGON: "Fat Dragon Rulllsssss!!!!!!!"

Fat Dragon runs out onto the bridge firing a dozen or so grenades. He dies. The enemy running for the flag dies too. Fat Dragon does it again. Same thing happens. He does it again. This time, he sets a 5 second detpack in front of the flag. Then he stands there. The enemy runs out. BOOM.

They die.

BLUE GUY: "Guard the flag with PIPEBOMBS, you idiot!"

FAT DRAGON: "yea, you gay fag! use pipboms!"

Fat Dragon runs out again. He spams the bridge. Kills one guy going for the flag. the second gets it though.

The flag is captured. Interestingly enough, even though everyone is calling Fat Dragon an idiot at this point, he is the ONLY person who was defending the flag, and he managed to stop 4 attempts on it. Perhaps 5. It just goes to show that idiocy is relative.

At this point, someone from the blue team has the red flag.

BLUE GUY: "Cover me!"

FAT DRAGON: "OK!"

Fat Dragon runs out the blue base. The guy with the flag runs out the red base. They run towards each other. A sniper draws a bead on Fat Dragon. Fat Dragon jumps up and down.

FAT DRAGON: "its me! dont shot!"

The sniper fires. He kills the guy with the flag. Fat Dragon runs into the red base to get the enemy flag. On his way, he touches the enemy flag sitting on the bridge. Apparently, he didn’t notice, becuase he ran into the enemy base with it.

BLUE GUY: "NO! YOU MORON! THAT’S THE WRONG WAY!"

Fat Dragon fights his way past the guards. Destroys a sentry. Down the ramp. He makes it all the way to the enemy flag room.

FAT DRAGON: "Where’s the flag?"

BLUE GUY: "You have it!"

FAT DRAGON: "I am hiding in the enemy flag room! dont tell!"

A blue soldier makes it into the flag room. He hides in the shadow area between the two entrances. Fat dragon stands on the flag stand in the light, glowing. He cannot be missed.

A pyro runs into the room. He battles the soldier in the shadows. Fat Dragon stands there and watches. The pyro kills the soldier. Then the pyro leaves. He never sees Fat Dragon.

Once again, ignorance is proven to be relative.

Fat Dragon gets bored. He leaves. He gets killed trying to get into the enemy downstairs resupply.

One of the members of the Blue team tells Fat Dragon that he(the BLUE GUY) is gay. Fat Dragon gets confused.

FAT DRAGON: "im confusd. i wont play with no gay fags."

BLUE GUY: "And I love you. I LOVE YOU."

FAT DRAGON: "im quiting"

BLUE GUY: "Love..."

FAT DRAGON: "btw i hate you all"

And Fat Dragon quits.

This is a true story. Every bit of it. Even the dumb Pyro. I left out some of the more boring bits. I left out Fat Dragon blowing himself up 7 times in a row. But the rest is true. Know this, o’ true believer... that if you play unfair, and you join the fullest team... then you refuse to join the weaker team, the gods will frown upon you, and FAT DRAGON will decend from above and join with you to make your defeat at the hands of vastly inferior numbers a foregone conclusion.