"You found it!"

Many moons ago, I submitted a review for this game. Alas, it was never posted. Why wasn't it posted, you ask? Well, one could argue that my opening line, ''You found it! You lucky bastard you!'' was perhaps a little too harsh and not very welcoming of the reader. I beg to differ, though! Please believe me when I say that I think very highly of you, the King's Knight review reader, and any name calling found in my original review was simply an ice-breaker and my personal attempt to add a humorous and light-hearted tone to the review. I certainly didn't think that anyone playing the game was a fool! Now if you actually enjoyed playing the game, that's a different story! (Kidding. Kidding!!!)

One could also argue that the reason it was never posted was because I did not explain a single facet of the gameplay, but instead simply offered up a list of things you, the reader, could be doing other than playing this game. Well, seeing as the review criteria clearly states, ''Do not just bash the game. Give reasons why you didn't like it,'' I'm kind of leaning toward this one. Anyway, on with the review!

King's Knight Review by misterbum - Take 2

You've found my King's Knight review, you lucky people you! What's possessing you to read up on this game, I'll never know, nor would I want to know. As you can tell by my score of 3, I don't feel like this is Squaresoft's finest hour. Hopefully, by the end of this review, you will clearly understand why.

King's Knight is the story of 4 chaps who band together to beat a bad guy. Sorry I don't know much more of the story to tell you, but unfortunately, I never got an instruction book with this game, and anyone who plays NES games knows that in 75% of the games, if you don't have the instruction book, you don't have the storyline. Of course, 75% of the people who bought NES games ended up losing or discarding the booklets, so shame on them. You've made my NES game collecting process hell, thank you very much.

The gameplay of King's Knight is the downfall of the entire game. I really was expecting this to be an RPG from first glance of the cart. Squaresoft + Cover art with princess and knights = RPG, or so I thought. I couldn't have been more wrong. King's Knight plays like a top-down space-shooter. Just picture people in place of spaceships, and you have the game! It is rather bizarre, and unique, but unique in a sloppily handled, un-good kind of way, believe me.

The game consists of 5 stages. Each one of the 4 main characters (Presenting... Knight Rayjack, Wizard Kaliva, Kid Thief Toby, and Monster Barusa! Character design has improved much over the years) has their own lovely little stage to go through. After completing these first 4 stages, the band is assembled together in one big, blocky, easy-to-hit mess to challenge the 5th and impossible final stage.

In all honesty, the 4 character stages aren't all too bad. Basically, you just move your guy around, blasting away every possible landscape obstacle (mountains, fences, wells, solid brick, you name it, you can break it) to uncover power-ups and such. The only problem with this is that if you don't find all of the power-ups in a stage, that character is basically going to be lacking heavily in the fighting department, and you need everyone to be in top form to get anywhere in the final stage. Believe me, you need every bit of strength you can get your hands on to beat that mother of a task... Don't believe me? Let me explain:

The 5th stage of King's Knight is ''The Worst Area In Video Game History''. No lie. It really is. The world agrees with me, so there. The problem with the final stage is that all 4 of your characters are assembled in one big diamond formation and all share one lifebar. When any character gets hit, that one lifebar depletes. This final stage also happens to have the most things-flying-through-the-air-to-kill-you things than most NES shooters have in all their levels combined. Each one of the characters has a ''SPECIAL'' ability that is activated by pressing the B button at a certain point in the stage. The character who uses the special must be in the lead of the party, and to get the character you want in front you have to step over these arrows on the ground that'll rotate the whole formation around. They basically took a simple task of party rotation and complicated it to the point where it's more of a challenge than really is necessary with 50,000,000 shots flying toward you at once. Yes, I've never beaten this damn game, and I hate myself and this game quite deeply for it. Wait, no. I love this game. Wait, no. I really don't.

Other Game Facets:

Graphics - Average NES quality Sound - There are only 2 music tracks in the entire game! Joy!

In conclusion, here is a short list of things you could do that would be far more beneficial to yourself than playing this atrocity, Squaresoft's darkest moment.

-Watch an episode of Family Matters -Eat a donut. -Clean dust off of your TV set. -Clean dust out of your ears. -Take the game, and repeatedly step on it until it breaks. -Buy a bunny. -Write ''Zimbabwe'' on a piece of paper, oh, say 150 times. -Re-read this review and send all critiques, corrections, or comments to me. -Feed a skinny person. -Hug a tree -Trim your fingernails. They're getting quite long, aren't they?