Color Blind.

I?m not good at writing lyrics, but I had something in my head. Tell me if I should finish this. Crit 4 Crit I guess.

Color Blind.

Ignorance.I want to know it now.Unappreciated blissThat I just can?t reachAll the others seem to know,But they just don?t show,That their hanging with the enemy.

Please. Give it to me again.Bestow it now.You can?t fathom it.Why?d you take it away.I could of stayed.Stayed.Stayed with my ignorance.

I was Color Blind.But I could see.Everything was beautiful,Just to me.Still I was Color Blind.Give that back to me.Everything was just the way things should of stayed,Until you said.?Why are you hanging with the enemy??

I felt that was pretty powerful. Some interesting verbs and adjectives. Some of those seemed slightly forced, like you put them there in hopes of spicing up the piece. I'm specifically referring to bestow. It feels like it was put there to replace another verb. The rest of the poem, to me, seems to be in a more... "blue-collar" vernacular. Bestow just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe it's just me.

Either way, I really like it. I think it's quite nice, a good commentary on society. You do have some writing skills, and I look forward to your next one.

I felt that was pretty powerful. Some interesting verbs and adjectives. Some of those seemed slightly forced, like you put them there in hopes of spicing up the piece. I'm specifically referring to bestow. It feels like it was put there to replace another verb. The rest of the poem, to me, seems to be in a more... "blue-collar" vernacular. Bestow just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe it's just me.

Either way, I really like it. I think it's quite nice, a good commentary on society. You do have some writing skills, and I look forward to your next one.

a good piece, part not doing it 4 me is "i could have stayed,stayed,stayed with my ignorance" cuz I dont see it as your ignorance. More like "you should have kept your ignorance" or sumthing like that to me would fit in better,but great job...makes you wonder.