After all the speculation about judges and rumours of judge feuds (and dismissals of judge feuds), American Idol has finally returned to our screens, and it's very keen to make sure you know it's the premium singing competition out there. So we get Phillip Phillips strumming along to 'Home', montages of previous winners, and statistics galore (to be fair, if the American Idol alums have really grabbed 371 number one hits that's kind of insanely impressive.)

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But of course, all the talk this season is about the judges, so say hello to "resident dawg" Randy, first country judge Keith Urban, stylish Nicki Minaj, and "diva" Mariah Carey (I bet Nicki's fuming that she didn't get the "last but not least" pimp spot.) And after more ridiculously OTT platitudes from Ryan Seacrest - apparently we're going to take "the journey that defines a nation", like this is a presidential election instead of a singing competition - we finally hit New York to meet some contestants! Let's see who impresses and who, um, really does not...

Michael Buonopane - Saugus, MA, 27, shuttle driver

The judges are just taking their seats for the first day, and Nicki and Mariah are already arguing... over Nicki's drum major hat. Apparently, Nicki accused Mariah of looking her up and down in the elevator. "I was admiring the hat," Mariah huffs. This is going to be incredible.

Anyway, Michael Buonopane breaks up the tense situation by entering the audition room, clapping and stomping to 'We Will Rock You', though he's changed the lyrics to pertain to the judges. "You need to come out of your shell, bro," Keith quips, as Michael claims that he came up with it on the spot. Sure, Michael. Anyway, he starts doing impressions - of the classics, of reggae - and Randy laughs: "We're not even here. He doesn't need us." The judges all seem to have had a good time, but it's a quick no from all of them.

As he leaves, Michael announces that 'All I Want For Christmas' is the best modern day festive song, and Mariah's quick to agree (ever modest.) You can see Nicki's absolute, unadulterated annoyance as through gritted teeth she growls: "She's a bitch, she's a bitch, she's a bitch." Seriously! "If she called me something beginning with a B and ending in 'itch' I'm going to rebuke it!" Mariah declares. But the feuding continues... over who knows Mean Girls the best. I know, we're basically in high school. Then we get a little montage of the duo's various disagreements, and Nicki's facial expressions are basically so great that I'm tempted to take her side.

Let's move this swiftly along and meet Tenna, who's such a huge fan of Mariah that she even went to 'Mariah Camp' when she was around 13. Um, 'Mariah Camp' exists? Anyway, Mariah is very excited to hear this (of course) and even asks for copies of Tenna's photographs from camp. Nicki makes yet another superb 'oh please' face. But is Tenna any good? She sings 'You've Got A Friend', and yes, okay, apparently Mariah Camp does produce good singers.

Mariah announces that she has to go first (as Nicki glares) and says she'd be "very proud" if someone like Tenna came out of Idol. Nicki, too, was "blown away" while Keith admits that Tenna was welcome relief from "all the stuff going on" (it seems Keith is the 'diplomatic one'.) He praises her patience and pace, and soon Tenna gets the four yeses she's been after! But Nicki can't resist yet another eye-roll as Mariah asks for a copy of a Mariah Camp photo again. I mean, Nicki might be even more GIF-worthy than Britney Spears turned out to be.

After we see a few more auditionees make it through (including a beautifully head-scarfed man), it's time for 15-year-old Justin Bieber fan James to take his shot. He tells the judges that he knows audiences want a character ("Like a superhero?" Mariah puzzles, while Nicki "feels" him, apparently.) But James is one of those awkward contestants who's clearly bad and it feels mean to watch (and see the judges laughing at.)

Randy tries to avoid giving criticism by pointing out the beautiful view, which is not exactly a sustainable tactic. Nicki says she likes James and asks if he has a girlfriend, prompting him to say he's single and the other judges to make nudge-nudge faces. James hints he wants to 'collide' with Nicki. Nicki points out that it normally hurts when things collide. Shall we move on? It's obviously a no from everyone, but Mariah advises James to DJ and Randy explains that you can't always be what you want ("I wanted to be a bus driver," Nicki confesses, giving me a fantastic mental image.)

James is super sad about his rejection, but Nicki gives him a hug and tells him he's special - just not right for this competition. And it seems like James is satisfied with that - asked later if he's disappointed, he replies: "Not really, because in the end Nicki Minaj kissed me." Fair play.

Next up is Christina, who tells the judges that she struggled with her weight in high school but managed to drop 50lb before college. "High school kids can be very mean - did you ever watch Mean Girls?" Randy asks. I mean, he might as well get a spoon out if he's going to stir this much. Mind you, it is fun to hear Nicki dub Mariah "Regina George".

Anyway, back to the actual contestant, and Christina trills a lovely version of 'Summertime'. Nicki's certainly impressed, saying Christina has a beautiful tone and suggesting that she could go far. Keith agrees, saying she is a "natural singer", and prompts Christina to admit that she grew up listening to Mariah. Of course. Anyway, Keith praises the "vulnerability" and "humanity" in her voice, while Nicki says Christina seems comfortable in who she is. Mariah also says she did a "beautiful job", while Randy advises her to build up her confidence and believe in herself. But we all know where this is going - it's four yeses and straight to Hollywood for Christina!

Evan's had a bit of a tough few years - after being diagnosed with cancer when he was 19, he eventually had to have his leg amputated. Evan seems very cheery considering that it put the damper on his dancing for a while, but he still tap dances now! But is his singing as good as his dancing? Unfortunately, his rendition of 'I'm Yours' is not too great - I much prefer his second song, 'Wanted Dead Or Alive', which sees him strumming along on the guitar (and Mariah and Keith singing along).

But Keith admits that he's not sure Evan has the "star factor", and Mariah thinks he needs to figure out what kind of artist he wants to be. Nicki, meanwhile, explains that while he's not right for Idol, she thinks he's going to inspire a lot of people just with his audition. Randy, too, thinks Evan needs to find his niche but he's not quite there. So it's a no from the judges, though they encourage him to come back - and Mariah even looks a little teary! Evan is disappointed, though he says that it was a "great experience" and he hopefully inspired someone. As he points out, this isn't exactly the worst thing that could happen to him...

This year on American Idol, people can nominate friends and family to audition - so Randy's off to Staten Island to surprise Jessica Rose Kartalis, who's been nominated by her mom. She's in total shock when she sees him, but sure enough she shows up at her audition. Still, she doesn't seem to quite know what kind of artist she wants to be yet - when the judges ask her, she says she wants the show to guide her and refuses to put a label on things.

She performs an original song, but when the a capella bit is over and she begins playing guitar, she struggles with her tuning and keeps apologising. The judges agree that Jessica doesn't seem ready for this yet, though they urge her to come back next year and promise this isn't her only shot. Keith even says he's "so close" to a yes! Jessica's very teary as she leaves, but her mom's cute - "You'll just go next year, that's all." And in the judging room, Nicki points out that all of them have been rejected in the past and survived. (Mariah looks like she doesn't know what on Earth Nicki is talking about.)

After seeing contestants from around the world - everywhere from Bolivia to Russia - we meet Shira, who left Israel (where she had a number one single) to make it in America. Her performance of 'Valerie' is pretty strong, and Nicki describes her as a "superstar"! She loved the song choice, tone, sound and attitude. "I love you!" she concludes. Everyone says yes, as Keith points out that Shira's vibrato was "gorgeous".

Frankie Ford - Brooklyn, NY, 24, retail/busker

It's getting late, and Keith's so tired he's spilling his drink everywhere. Time for the final auditionee of the day, then, and it's loveable Frankie, who busks on subway trains to supplement his income. Plus, he opens up about being adopted as his biological mom struggled with an addiction to substance abuse. Will he go from the subway to Hollywood? Well, he's very charming, but his performance of 'Sweet Dreams' doesn't start off too great as he stops and apologises (I don't know why, because it sounded pretty good to me, but hey.)

Still, after some deep breaths Frankie restarts and knocks it out of the park. I really like him, and the judges do, too - Keith praises his musicality, Randy says he believes in Frankie, Mariah says he has an "inner glow", and Nicki says that while Frankie doesn't have the best voice, he does have something that people will like and a story to tell. Everyone says yes, and Frankie is beyond grateful, promising to work really hard and make them pleased with their decision. I hope he does well - if nothing else, Frankie Ford is an awesome name for a pop star. That's it for day one in New York - but what will day two bring?

Time for a brand new day, and up first is Michael Jackson fan Benjamin Gaisey! He's dressed in a wig and an old Halloween plastic Michael Jackson costume that doesn't quite fit properly and squeaks. A lot. I'm sorry - I'm sure Benjamin is very nice but I'm so distracted by how much his outfit is creaking that it's very difficult to concentrate.

Benjamin sings 'I'll Make Love To You', but even his (rather concerning) thrust isn't enough to wow the judges. Keith actually climbs under the table, moaning: "It's not safe." Randy's thrown off by the wig, but they move swiftly on to the voting (after telling Benjamin that it's "over the top", and that his voice is "terrible" - nice, Randy.) So it's goodbye to Benjamin, but I think Nicki will be seeing that thrust in her mind for some time to come yet.

Let's see if Rozanna has any better luck - she raves about her supportive parents, who in turn claim that her voice gives them chills. She's nervous, explaining to the judges that she never sings in front of anyone else, but her rendition of Amy Winehouse's 'To Know Him Is To Love Him' leaves the judges looking uncomfortable. Rozanna quickly claims that it was a last minute song choice but it's too late - "Dude, that was bad," Randy says, as it's four nos. Nicki admits that it's hard saying no, which is a handy introduction to a montage of people bombing in the audition room. I mean, if I'm not wrong, someone actually farted. Things have to improve, right?

Sarah talks about living in the "blueberry capital of the world" and we see her doing all sorts of country activities, from horse riding to quad biking to archery. Unsurprisingly, she's a big fan of country music, so she performs Carrie Underwood's 'Mama's Song'. Nicki likes it, saying she could be a "humongous" country star, and Mariah agrees that Sarah has a "beautiful" voice and could make a great album.

To Nicki's disgust, Randy wants to hear another song. To Nicki's delight, Sarah offers up her take on 'Superbass'. Her rapping is actually kind of incredible, to be fair. But this confuses Randy and Keith, who apparently can't possibly understand that someone might like country and rap. Nicki staunchly defends Sarah, though - and points out that Taylor Swift made 'Superbass' "hot". "She doesn't have to choose one!" Nicki insists. Basically, after that railroading, no-one can say to Nicki so it's four yeses for Sarah!

Albert Chang - Queens, NY, 25, receptionist

Albert basically endears himself to me immediately when he admits that he doesn't know who any of the judges are. Incredible. Unfortunately, he's another contestant who's on screen for us to laugh at, which always feels uncomfortable. He says he's going to do 'Phantom of the Opera', and of course it's bad, especially when he squeaks into the higher register. Mind you, it's almost worth it for Nicki throwing shade: "Your range is better than Mariah!"

And then Nicki, for some reason, starts speaking in a British accent (apparently because it happens when she's nervous.) So we get to see more examples of her British voice, and because this is a competition between the judges as much as the contestants, Mariah shows off her own English twang.* ("You have a competition problem darling," Nicki snipes.)

Angela thankfully diverts a potential diplomatic incident caused by offence to British people when she turns up. She explains that she's had hearing problems her whole life and admits that sometimes it can affect her singing. But she blasts through 'Mama Knows Best' by Jessie J, leaving Randy simply saying: "Wow." Nicki says Angela made her feel something in her soul, Keith praises her movement, and Mariah praises the "tone" she has. Randy agrees that she's one of the best they've seen that day, so it's an easy yes for Angela! Randy thinks she has "real potential".

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Brett Holt - Willow Grove, PA, 28, liquor store clerk

American Idol has been on for quite a while now, so we might be hallucinating, but suddenly things start getting very weird. Our next contestant Brett dreams that he's having a wildly successful audition. Back in the real world, he explains that he's a huge American Idol fan and can answer any questions about it, before getting two of Ryan's four questions wrong. This is a strong start. Anyway, good luck to Brett, who's auditioned seven times but is feeling hopeful this time.

Unfortunately, his performance of 'When I Fall In Love' isn't great, and though we get another weird dream sequence in which he's successful it's actually a no from each judge. Right, okay then...

Gurpreet seems like very good fun - he reveals that he likes co-ordinating his turban to his outfit and has gone for a lovely "lavender moment" that Mariah's appreciating today. He also has the nickname 'The Turbanator', which is just impossible not to love, even if it does mean that the American Idol producers deem it wise to put a computer filter over the top of the screen for a moment (worth it only for 'Keith Turban'.)

But is Gurpreet actually any good, apart from being fun? Actually, yes! Randy wants him to sing some Indian classical music, too, so Gurpreet obliges. Nicki loves Gurpreet's look, but thinks his voice is pretty rather than "standout". Keith also thinks his voice might be a bit too "light", but Mariah likes that style so it's a yes from her. Randy also sends him through, saying that he deserves another chance. But it's a no from Keith, who just didn't hear what he wanted to. That means that Nicki's got Gurpreet's fate in her hands, so he decides to sway her by revealing that he has a turban the colour of her hair. It must work, because she gives him his third yes! "Don't disappoint us, darling," Mariah urges him.

Ashlee's our last contestant of the episode (yes, we made it), and she seems very, very sweet. Her family are lovely, too - her parents foster and adopt "medically complex" children. Ashlee gets a little teary talking about her parents and, well, this is all very heartwarming. It's difficult not to root for someone that seems just so nice as Ashlee.

Her rendition of 'Put Your Records On' by Corinne Bailey Rae is all perfectly listenable too, and Nicki says she wants to go to Ashlee's show (adding that girls will be inspired by her.) Mariah also says Ashlee has a lot of potential and should be proud, while Keith loves her low register and "beautiful nasal tone". Randy invites Ashlee's massive family in to the judging room before the verdict, telling her parents that they raised a "good girl". Obviously, all four judges gives Ashlee a four and her family get to shake hands with them all and get hugs. Basically, it's the most pleasant ending possible.

But that's it for New York - in total, 41 contestants made it through. "I think we gel well, in a crazy way," Nicki says. Well, she's right about "crazy", that's for sure. And it looks like we're in for some drama from Chicago in the next instalment, too. "I loved being in between Mariah and Nicki," Keith quips. Oh, Keith - I have a feeling it will just get worse...

American Idol airs Wednesdays and Thursdays on Fox in the US, and on Thursdays and Fridays on 5* in the UK.