If you wanna hear it, ask me....if you can handle the truth......read it.....if you can't take the heat, by all means get out of the kitchen and WHATEVER you do.....don't disturb my gruuv!!
Carry on......

Monday, December 19, 2005

You know….stupid assed people are EVERYWHERE. My proof of this? Well, today I was walking around my office and saw this HUGE basket of cookies. People typically bring in stuff for the WHOLE office to eat and sit it up front near the receptionists desk---especially this time of the year. And everyonei s welcome to the goodies. People bring in cookies, fudge, cold cuts & cheese, bagels, doughnuts, and other assorted food products of the like.

Well,in our office there are divisions. For example, I work in HR, there’s also finance, investigations, tech support etc. Well, this flighty woman who is 5”0 and petite is the admin. asst. for that group. We’ll call her Molly Doogood. Her daughter used to work up here in our office, but now she has transferred downstairs to a related, but separate entity within our company. Her daughter routinely takes her for granted and though she is nice, she is a dingbat, we-must-follow-evveeeeeeeeeeeeeery-rule-to-the-tee kinda person. For example, one day I asked her to scan a photo that I needed to have placed on disk. She tells me “Umm…… I’m not sure that I will be able to do that…… this printer/scanner isn’t TECHNICALLY supposed to be used to scan anything other than “company” stuff”

**crickets**

DON”T YA’LL KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW that I wanted to slap the holy horseshit outta this bitch and tell her to get a life and that I was going to slap her ass if she didn’t scan this fucking picture?????? There was NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO reason why she couldn’t have done it. Also, and let me say this, I know some of ya’ll are thinking ‘well, Robyn maybe she just doesn’t LIKE you’……. Uh….. no. That bitch is just dingy as fuck that way! I HATE people like her that you have to cajole and convince to do some inane ass bullshit like scan a fucking picture and put it on disk because they operate under some “boyscout honor” type bull!! Oooooh that burns my ass cheeks!!! That’s where whites and black are totally different I believe. A black person TYPICALLY win’t care as long as they #1. ain’t getting in trouble for it or #2. if someone does find out that it can’t be traced back to them. As you might have guessed she’s the white one and I’m the black one! HA HA!!! I mean, was it REALLY necessary to even think TWICE about doing something so small and stupid???? I didn’t think so.

So, this same bitch made some cookies and brought them in. BUT. She placed them in the ‘investigations’ area on top of the cabinet over there. My area is RIGHT next to the investigations area by the way. Now, I guess the cookies were supposed to be for the ‘investigations group’, but being the bitch that I am I saw them and went over there and was like “ OOH cookies!” and went to grab one. One of the investigators that I have a good repore with said “Ay…… you’re not an investigator”. I said “Well, I am today!” as I proceed with my grabbage ( I know….that ain’t a word) of the cookie (singular). I then read the sign (which I hadn’t done previously) and it said something like “For the Investigations Team, Thanks for all your hard work!”. And just so you can have perspective here, there were like 50-60 cookies in this BIG-ASS Tupperware thing and there are like 9 investigators. So I said, “Oh…..is this JUST for the investigators, meaning, can no one else have any”. The guy that I have the good repoire with says “I dunno” with a raised tone at the end of it which sounded ½ joking, ½ not. So, I start thinking to myself “Oh bitches PLEASE…… ya’ll are selfish as hell for just having this big-ass tub o’ cookies over here in the 5th place!”

OOOOOOOOOOO. K. you have GOT to be joking right? It was ONNNNNNEfreakin cookie for God’s sake! So, I roll my eyes so hard I'm surprised they didn't pop the hell OUT and ½ jokingly say to Molly Doogood “Molly, can I have a cookie that’s for the investigators?” (Now, I hope ya'll know I ALREADY had a second one in my hand AS I WAS ASKING because from where she sits she can't even see the area where the cookies are). She looks and says “”I guess so….. these are for the investigators though so you might wanna ask them…..” (more eye rollage on my part). Ya’ll don’t know how baaaad I wanted to say “I’m Rick James BITCH” and slap that hoe and walk away.

So I fake-ass laughed and said ‘whatever’ under my breath and walked away mad at MYSELF that I didn’t recall the memory of how STUPID her ass can act about everyday dumb ass shit. But I got another cookie anyway! (WOOO-HOO !!!!!)

Stupid people….let’s shoot them to the center of the sun and be done with it!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Well, boys and girls where did I leave off when last we parted? Oh I was telling you about my Grandmother and her retarded exploits. Well….here we are…2 weeks after her death and on the brink of the “BIG CLEAN UP”. Me, my brother and my sister have to go to my grandmother’s house this Sunday to "clean up" her apt. but wait……. I’m getting ahead of myself….let me backtrack….*insert wavy memory lines here*

Now, when my father was dying, I was in my LAST semester at Michigan State University , which was the last of my 5+ year “bachelor’s program”. Little bit of explanation on that one. When I went to college, I had big ole dreams of being a doctor. So, I enrolled in the residential college( a separate college within the university) along with my roomie Traci and set out taking chemistry, calculus, physics, biology , some other “ology’s” and all that jazz. Well…. I’d say about 2 goooooooooood years into it, I decided that the doctor thing just flat-out WUDN’T gon happen. So, I was left with a bunch of classes that did not apply to ANY OTHER major that I wanted (really) and I had to “find” something to major in. This is why once I picked another major, I had to take MORE classes and honestly, I had to repeat a FEW that I got a straight up 0.0 in. *hanging head in shame*

Anywho…..I had JUST started my LAST semester when my father was diagnosed with stomach cancer. He was scheduled for surgery and had the surgery as my semester progressed. Though me & my father had a kinda tenuous relationship (see this post if you’d like the story behind the blog on this …….) I felt bad because I was NOT going to “postpone” my graduation, as it was I was going to graduate at fuckin grand total of 5 ½ years. I was NOT going to make it another semester and go for an even 6. Hell-ous no-us ! I even took 5 classes (alot for me because at this point there was nothing I wanted to see LESS than MORE work, but I wanted to graduate, so there ya have it). My father’s surgery to remove his stomach, his and part of his small intestines (and rebuild him a stomach) was successful. He was at home recuping and my brother and my sister checked on him daily. So….. I was in school working towards graduation and my then boyfriend Dave (who was at Howard Univ. working on his MS degree) called me. He was like “how’s your Dad?” I said “I think he’s on the mend, the doctors need him to heal some more before they start chemo.” He asked me “So why don’t you think about moving here and going to Grad School?” I was like “really?” He was like “yeah, I’d love to have you with me.” Maaan, my heart was doing the biggest flip-flops in the world. I think that if I’da jumped out that window at that very moment, I WOULD have flown! LOL

Anyway, I made plans to go to D.C. in January, in silence. After all, I had originally wanted to go to Howard straight outta high school, but my mother made it VERY clear that at MOST, she could pay for ONE year, if I didn’t get financial aid. And as ya'll thst went to an HBCU know, it COULD be a crap-shoot if you get fin. aid or not if your parents make over 5 cents an hour. I then decided to go to MSU because I could get in school tuition and I liked (at the time) the program I thought I wanted to be in.

Now, whenever I came home to visit my Dad, my grandmother was always cussing and fussing about my father’s ex-(so we thought at the time)wife. It turns out that he and the woman, Viola, whom I always thought he was married to, was only a fake-wife. They never married because seeing as though she AND my father were a couple of greedy asses, her sizeable pention from her dead husband would have ceased if she had remarried, soooo….they never tied the knot, so as to keep the cash flow...flowin. She regularly visited my father and sometimes spent the night to keep him company and to keep his spirits up through his arduous and painful recovery. My grandmother HATED her and I believe it was because of the fact that she “took her baby’s attention” away from her selfish ass. So, EEEEVEN though Vi was there for my FATHER’S COMFORT, my grandmother ROUTINELY called her everything BUT a child of God when she happened to come up to the hospital and Vi was there.

My father eventually went home and though he could not eat orally (because his ‘new stomach’ was still healing) he had a tube that went directly into his stomach. Well, waaaay before I had come to live with him, my Dad, had taken in a roommate, Johnny. He & Johnny were old friends and Johny had actually lived with him for a bried stint after he & my Mom divorced in the early 70’s too. So, when he went home, Johnny was there and helped take care of him, though my Dad could get up, go to the bathroom,etc by himself, Johnny still helped him bathe and delicate things of that nature.

Graduation was fast approaching, but I then got word that my father wasn’t doing well……he wasn’t gaining weight and he was just very tired all the time. He went for a dr’s appt. against his will. He didn’t want to go because he was trying to hold out and attend my graduation. His symptoms became too much for him….the day before my graduation. He was indeed put back in the hospital. They operated on him again and discovered that the cancer had spread waaaaay too extensively and had metastasized to his pancreas, spleen, gallbladder and more of his intestines. It was too severe. He was given a few months to live. It was December 10, 1993. I felt sooo very bad because I know that though my Dad and I weren’t ace-boons, he was proud of me and he was my Dad. He fussed at me in private, but according to all, he praised me in public. I could never figure him out that way……. But I knew he was proudest of all because I was the first on his side of the family to graduate from college. So, I know it hurt him to NOT be able to be there. And that hurt me too.

When I returned from school, moved all my stuff home and everything, it was right before x-mas and it was solemn. No ornamental tree, no wreaths, just cigarette smoke and a dusty, lonely house. I was happy that my boyfriend was home, because I needed the support. Going to see my father, who was now a hospice patient, was never easy. He was evil and scowling most of the time (which I can't blame him) and other times he was just plain mad at the entire world, loking like he could slap the horse shit outta ANYONE at any given time. He was far from pleasant to be around. Viola eventually “moved in” to the room my father had, so to speak. The hospital placed a cot in his room and there she slept. Every. Night. She also spent every day there. Though they had been broken up for at LEAST 7-8 years, she still loved him and I have always said this and I will say it again, Viola will surely be blessed for the kindness and love she showed my Dad. It was the end of December. I was planning to move to D.C. shortly and I hadn’t told anyone.

I think that in retrospect, my wanting to move was my way of dealing-by-not-dealing with the fact that my father was dying.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

O.K., since I was tagged by Zed, I figure, I will go on & do this dang thang So here goes:

Things I have not changed because I have tolerated

*I like porn….it’s not very ladylike, but it is what it is….. I used to hide it, but, eh…FUCK IT (hee hee, no pun intended)

*I like to shop…..for something…..every.weekend. It's part of what me & my husband fight about most. But it’s my release. It is what it is.

*The fact that I don’t like to listen to my disco with “non-appreciators” of the genre and it’s versatility.

*My severe hatred for cleaning the bathroom

*The fact that I can often be lazy if left to my own devices*That I am a horrrrrible procrastinator. I like this quote:

TOP TEN REASONS I PROCRASTINATE:1.

*That I don’t like authority….and probably never will

*That I have horrrrrible road-rage. No, I mean, like if there is a person who hesitates for 2-3 seconds at a light, I am in my car calling them all kinds of “dumb-asses” and “slow mu-fucka’s”. I think I MUST believe that I own the road or sumthin’

*My increased %age of body fat ** grrrrr**. I need to work out.

Sooooo..... since I've been tagged, I shant do the same to other folks. Oh wait....unless you're the first THREE to comment. If that's you, consider yourself tagged!!!

Monday, December 05, 2005

She passed the day after Thanksgiving. This was my father’s mother. Thank you, thank you, thank you (being said in response to the “awwwww….I’m so sorry to hear that” ‘s, but I wasn’t close with her. I wasn’t even remotely fond of her.) It’s a shame really. So, sit back and listen as I unravel my tale. As Zed told me, this needs to be a 3 –4 part series, so henceforth this shall be called:

“My Grandmama ain’t like yours”

I have been off since last Tuesday, the Tuesday after she died to be exact. I got a call from my niece Cher (my older, ½ brother’s daughter, with whom I share paternal bloodlines) on Saturday morning telling me that she had passed the night before). “how?” , “when?”, “what did she die of?” were amongst the first questions to part from my lips. I had many feelings, but the greatest of them was a great bit of nothingness. I had not seen or talked to my grandmother about 10 years.

My niece went on to tell me that the guy that has lived in the 4-family flat (he’s around 45 years old now) and who she had practically looked after so to speak for, forever, had been with her when she died. Come to find out later, she died of a massive heart attack in his girlfriend’s arms. I didn’t feel sad. I felt sorry. Sorry for all the years that could’ve been spent together, rather than apart. But that was the past now. I didn’t cry and have yet to shed a tear, because it’s hard to cry for someone who acted like you didn’t matter for years and who didn’t ever have anything good to say to you.

You see my grandmother and I have never been close. I have always had a difficult and terse relationship with her. I have never felt, nor has she ever been like a “grandmother” to me or my siblings. Her motto: “Don’t come over to my house until you can got to the store and buy me some licka (liquor)”. She was the type of person to dog you, talk about you being too black, (yes, she had a color-complex), too fat, too whatever. If she sees a flaw, she’ll pick it out and dissect it…..right. in. front. of. you. Hmmmmmmm……..sounds like the perfect grandmother to me!

This distance between us was heightened when my father died in 1994. My grandmother was (per my father, brother and sister) NEVER a mother to my father. She had him when she was 16 you see. She was too busy trying to be cute and not have the responsibility of taking care of a child. She ended up having another child after my father. It too was another boy who ended up dying at the age of 7 from stepping on something sharp and rusty and contracting lockjaw. No one knew until it was too late and since we’re talking about the mid-late 30’s, medical help was not what it is now. Though my father always dealt with his mother with a hint of irritation (mainly because at least when I was living there she would call at LEAST 5-7 times a day for N.O.T.H.I.N.G), nevertheless, he did things for her, checked up on her, paid bills for her, ran errands for her and owned the 4-family flat that she lived in which she never had to pay to live in. My father was very good with his hands so whenever things would break or painting needed to be done or a water heater needed to be installed, he always did it. So, the money she earned as a sales person at B.Siegel department store was hers scott-free to run her numbers with.

When I lived with my father for my senior year in high school, because my mom moved to Florida that September, she would call connnnnnstantly and I would talk to her, though I felt NO closeness whatsoever. Prior to moving with my Dad, I had only seen her on holidays or on occasions when my Dad had a cookout and my Mom would bring me over so that I could be around the “other side” of my family. So, here I was a 17 year old and I LITERALLY had never spent a night or even a day with her because “she didn’t do kids”…..HELL, she didn’t raise her own! And she let people know in NO uncertain terms! So, I always felt “weird” and awkward around her. Add to this, she didn’t have a “friendly” or “welcoming” disposition. She was a surly, cursing, fussing about EV-ERY-THANG type of woman. And that was daily. That was just her disposition. But because I was a shy girl (when I was younger that is), all the loud talking and cursing made me uneasy because for as long as I can remember, when I was at home with Mommy, it was just she and I and it was peaceful and quiet. My mother was and is very calm, fairly quiet and slightly reserved. My mother never cursed at me and BARELY cursed around me. If my mother said the word “SHIT”, I would get scared cause I knew it was just that…some “SHIT” for her to utter those words. My mother is a nurturer and a healer by nature and profession (she’s a nurse), and she never stopped me from being around my “Dad’s side” but she never over-encouraged it either. You see, I don’t think that she wanted any of their “loud, obnoxious, trifling, hard-life-living” ways to rub off on me. She was set on protecting me and making sure that I respected my elders, knew right from wrong and grew up to be a lady in every sense of the word and since she was pretty much raising me by herself (cause my father was an alcoholic and SCARCELY could be counted on) she was gong to make DAMN –SURE I was given as much protection as she could provide.

She always made sure I went to see my grandmother and provided gifts and such for she and my father on the appropriate days. My grandmother just never seemed to take a “real interest” in being a “grandmother”. And as I know now, there are just those kinda people who are like that and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles(pun intended…..my grandmother’s nickname was “Cookie”, and everyone called her “Cookie”. Even to me she was known as “Grandma Cookie”).

So, when I received the call, I started to have a regretful feeling that I had not “seen her” since forever and that it was a shame that she had died without her family around her……then I remembered how she acted when my father was dying…….

Monday, November 21, 2005

Today is a very sad day for me. No, not for the usual reason like death or somethin’ but due to the fact that my girl that I worked with got fired on Friday. This has all been due to a terrible drawn-out series of events culminating in this catastrophe. Some her fault, some (I feel) catalystically (I posted about my girl not too long ago because she had let herself and self-esteem get sucked in the undercurrent of depression and I saw her heading down this road (i.e. calling off when she has NO paid-time,being late because she’s fed up with how my bosses apathy shows through in how she treated my girl,etc.). To refresh ya’ll, my girl had a miscarriage and sunk into (what I believe was ) post-partum depression. She was off for a month without pay mind you, and due to the ensuing financial woes, sunk deeper and deeper into not wanting to come to work, calling off…..ya’ll see the pattern. My boss, while it is NOT her job to be a friend to my girl, CHOSE to make shit more difficult because she is a miserable white woman who tried to have kids and had 6 miscarriages herself, so early in my girl’s pregnancy, she was TRIPPIN about her having extreme morning sickness. Anywho…..fast forward……

Because she had NO paid time to take, she started getting written up for her absences. She had gone through the whoooooooooooole progression of discipline and seemed unphased. She simply had had it with my bioss and this job. It disturbed me, but I held onto a sly glimmer of hope that she would NOT let herself seep deeper up under the damn rug. But she did. Continually. I had people (BLACK People. That knew her and were super-cool with her) ask me “is she on drugs??” I would reply “no, I don’t think so….she is depressed”. I still don’t think so and STILL think she is depressed. Things just got to the point where she was totally disgusted by everythign this job represented. How can you tell someone that they're fuckign up their lives when their ears are sealed shut? She would not heed ANY of my suggestions to go to a psychologist or SOME type of doctor to get herself checked out. She lost weight and though she is a VERY pretty girl, she began to take on a thin and tired look. This is a girl who used to pride herself on being “together” and it is as if her life just got too much to bear and just when she thought she could lick it, it sucked her in.

You see, this girl has has more family problems and more people who depended on her than the law allows and she now has no job. I feel for her, I really do. But I will also miss my friend. She was my confidante in a sea of drama and my oasis in this desert wasteland I call my job. I looked forward to coming to work becuse I knew I had a "buddy" that at one time as least, I could depend on. I can only liken it to the feeling of being at a new high school on the first day and seeing your DAWG and immediately feeling at ease because you had "someone" there whom you knew. It was like that. Though we were from different backgrounds, we were so similar in nature, disposition and thoughts that we'd sometimes finish each others sentences. Not, I know you're probably saying "well, damn, it AIN'T like the girl is DEAD or something...ya'll can hang out". I know we can, but there was just nothing like having her here and being able to count on her presence to get me through the tough days at this job. I mean, this IS where I spend MOST of my waking hours. Think about it. I really feel alone and like I have no one to watch my back. Sad, huh?

But I'll make it through. I betcha one thing, my boss SHO won't hire anyone she thinks that I'l become friends with agian. LOL She'll probably hire an older white woman! LOL

Thursday, November 10, 2005

See….this is when you have waaaaaaaaaay too much “disposable income” and when you have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on your hands. This clown had pec implants (hmm……looks like tits to me), chin implants, BICEP implants (dude! Are you serious???), and a cleft chin to name a few things he had done.

Why do white folks (and some black folks) feel the need to go to the ridiculous extreme to keep youth?!! I mean, I am not against a lil lipo or a lil tummy tuck or a lil nose job, but PLEASE, for the love of ALL that’s NOT plastic and filled with saline, DON’T get like 20 things changed on your body!

Now, see, me, I have had plastic surgery too. *Gaaaaaaasp* Yes, I have. I had a breast reduction in 1994. Hey I just had my 11th anniversary!!! (shut the HELL UP ZED…. I ALLLLLLLLREADY know your thoughts on this!) But I had plastic surgery to help decrease the boob-a-licious-ness that was outta-fuckin-control. What size was I pre-op??? don’t know, but I do know that them thangs were OUT.OF CONTROL and I hated the attention. It was horrible. I felt like a freakshow and I felt disrespected when men I didn’t know from Al on the corner felt it necessary to exclaim "GotDAMN baby, you got some big ass titties!!!!!". Today, however, I am perfectly content with the attention that the "girls" get, and though NOTHING like they were, I catch an ogle here and there *smile* and that's perfectly fine with me. So, I'm lovin plastic surgery too!

Anywho…back to the lecture at hand….I just felt compelled to put this picture up man! Is there ever really a need for plastic surgery??? Listen, me & a co-worker of mine were talking about another co-worker who we think NEEDS plastic surgery (she is in DESPERATE need of a facelift.) She is a cute, jazzy grandma of 2, just recently lost weight (is a size 4) and has a spunky haircut. The problem? She looks like she is 61 or 62 and she is only 49.

Now, I am not usually a super strong advocate of plastic surgery, BUT…..she looks old and it just doesn’t make any sense. She needs a facelift and I mean NOW! But some (as we can see above) just take it tooooo far! Period!

Now, this may sounds contradictory, but all beauty fades and when you have to go to the lengths above to get that level of “perfect/flawlessness”…… you have gone too far…….

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

This has been such a busy week for me that I have been neglecting my blog horribly!!! I have so much work to do and therefore shant take up too much of your time.

I would like to thank everyone who gave me the many encouraging words regarding the last blog I did about my life in Hell (work) :-) It was definitely a breath of fresh air to vent and you guys' concern was definitely felt! I luv ya'll !! *sniff, sniff*

So, I decided to keep it short & sweet and put up some pics of my own little BABEE MUNKEE from Halloween ! Zed has been DYING for me to put these pics up, so there ya go!!! LOL

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

This post is about the more frustrated part of me. And since this is my blog, I can blog about whatever so if you are not in the mood for a bitch-fest, please tune-out now and turn the channel to the "Shyts and Giggles" station.

O.K., now that that disclaimer is out of the way onto the topic of discussion. I am in a terrible slump at work. I routinely shirk my duties, putting things off that I know will not be discovered. Or something that if it is discovered I can tell a lil lie to whomever the request came from and fix it real quick. But there are also a few things floating around that I haven't done, that if discovered (while not the end of the world) that I DIDN’T do them, would lead my boss straight to writing my ass up.

Most of these things are ones that I can do easily and that would only take 5 minutes, but 90% of the time I just ”don’t feel like it”. And this (i feel) is due to my horrible boss. I make a damn good salary with GREAT perks, but I HATE my boss! Do you know that I just had a WONDERFUL dream that I called her a bitch and then called her a STANKIN ASS BITCH to her face and I woke up feeling happier than I had felt in a LONG time????? (no for REAL, I'm NOT exaggerating) What the HELL does that say about the state of my affairs??? Work used to be meaningful and relevant. Now, I feel like it is “something that I must do” to get through the day. I know that part of this feeling is due to my stank-ass micromanaging boss. Nothing I do feels like it matters at this job. You see, if it ain’t her way, it’s pushed away. I stopped feeling valued long ago at this job.

**shrug**I care but I don’t.

It’s terrible. I live just above that line. What line?? The line of the “BIG FUCK UP”. I routinely get the EEOC charges that I am in charge of responding to, all of which have a deadline and I ROUTINELY call and ask for an extension. Even though, if it’s sent to me directly (and I don’t have to wait to get it 3rd party from another office that has let it sit around for a week) then I typically have like 3-4 weeks to do it. If I PUSH it, I can typically do a charge in a day (if I have all the facts I need) or less. So this tells you that I am just a procrastinator….... I procrastinate because I really don’t want to do it. There is NOOOOO reason that I should need to hide the charges from my boss when they come in just so that she will think that when I do present them to her that they JUST came i. But that then justifies me needing an extension. There is no reason for it. I swear, there is just something in me that (call it lazy) that does NOT like deadlines, does NOT like being told what to do and does NOT take kindly to any of the shit. I resist being fed authority like a Muslim resists being fed pork. I am soooo just NOT the “good and obedient” employee anymore and I REALLY need to own my own business.

**shrug** I care but I don’t.

And I know how hard jobs like this are to find (monetarily speaking). But the fact of the matter is, my boss killed my spirit to do a good job here a LONNNNNG time ago. And I mean probably from the 1st month I was here. I am very self-aware and KNEW from the 2nd or 3rd week here, that I would not like it here. Honestly, the only thing that has kept me here are the salary & perks and my girl that I work with. No….really……she is my one confidant in this whole place and because of a bad string of events in her life, and her subsequent frequent call off’s she has been written up for the last time, prior to being fired. And just like with me….she cares, but she doesn’t care. She is a single Mom and has NO damn family to depend on and yet being away from here is almost worth the subsequent struggle she will endure to find a job and regian her work ethic. My boss is like a cancer what infects everything. Maybe she only infects blacks, because this white man I work with deals with her JUST FINE. Hmmmmmph. But then again she respects him because he has knowledge that she flat-out does not. So, she can’t pull that “no matter what you say I know more than you do” card like she does with me and my girl.

I remember when I was BRIGHT EYED **blinka, blinka** and bushy-tailed. When I had HOPE that I could make a difference in the work world, when I thought that you (whites mostly) were innocent-before-being-proven-guilty. I remember. I am just in my mid 30’s. It wasn’t so long ago. I am jaded now. I constantly see whites (with mediocre at FUCKING BEST qualifications) being pumped and pushed RIGHT on up the damn food chain. White boys especially. You say "Robyn, that's just how it is"? I know, but I hate it nonetheless. Now, my anger isn't solely being taken out on whites I work with but it is REALLY being taken out on those that started this racist, elitist corporate working world we are in (i.e. the whites from way back,so I guess it does go back to them anyway). I hate it. I do not hate white people. I hate how the work world TREATS whites and "the rest of us" differently".

And being in HR has made me even MORE cynical and jaded because I SEE the shit that goes on and how salaries are pumped up (often un-fucking-justafiably) and how (for example)preference is given. There is this bitch who is a manager of a GLOBAL operation (who is as goofy and green as Howdy Doody) has 1)become a manager 2) has NEVER managed SHIT before and 3) is still here, just because she’s a white girl. Her predecessor had more than 15 years of experience and made almost 6 figures (she makes 1/2 of his salary...thank GOD they got that part on a somewhat equitable level) and was responsible for the management of the emergency notification system across the WHOLE WORLD for our client (one of the Big 3), but this chick who worked in the department RIGHT.OUTTA.COLLEGE, had NO mangement experience, gets put in there???? what in THEE fuck is that about???????

It.makes.me.sick.

Now in the meantime, my girl's whole JOB DESCIPTION changed,responsibilities increased waaaay past what she was doing (a level 2)when she came and outside of the scope of her original job description. She got no increase in pay and when she brought it to the attention of our boss, the bitch-ass VP of HR (with charts and graphs and statistics on wage ranges for her job in OUR area of the country mind you), she was shut the FUCK DOWN. She wanted a simple $2000 increase which would not have even taken her to the MEDIAN of the range of the job that she was really doing (a level 3 job), and my boss goes to talking about how she has to “check” and see if the regional director of compsation would go for it, because her job description as it stands does not accommodate that type of increase. Yeah, I know the name of the game is "get-as-much-out-of-muhfucka's-as-you-can-without-paying-them-more", but this was rediculous! You see, she was really doing this level 3 job, but getting a level 2 salary JUST because she doesn’t have a Bachelors. Her new description almost IDENTICALLY matches the one for a level 3.

Don’t you now that BITCH (my boss) hung her out to dry with that ole "the level 3 position requires a bachelor's" bullshit???? If it had been ME....baaaayby......shit would NOT have gone down like that. I would have made her and prove to me why this can't happen and we would've been talking to the president of our division about this shit. Cause you would have to PROVE to me why that other little phrase "a bachelors OR work equivalent" did NOT apply to my ass!! My boss dug her heels in and stuck on that shit as the reason she could NOT give her a raise and justified her “increase in responsibility” as the “other duties as assigned” part of damn near everyone’s job description. *smdh* I would have made a huge ass stink over THIS shit because you shall NOT work me like a Hebrew AND NOT pay my black ass. uh-uh. not gonna happen.

But yet I know of another assistant who got a RAISE AND got an assistant ( did you hear me???? the ASSISTANT was given AN ASSISTANT. WHAT.THE.FUCK????)because she “was doing sooooooo much work” and the “client approved the raise”. Whatever man. It seems like whenever it’s a black person, there ain’t no “client” approval, but when it comes to the whites, it gets rubber stamped and passed through before I can completely finish typing this sentence. It’s horrible. I think that I would not be so bitter about this if I wasn’t privy DIRECTLY to people’s situations, education and resulting salaries. ( I feel ya X.......I am DEFINITELY like the Dorothy AFTER her ass saw the inner workings of the damn wizard!)

This is why I HATE corporate America. I no longer trust ANYBODY (other than my girl I work with). I trust my girl for a couple of reasons. 1. I have known her for 4 years, during which time, we have become true friends and 2. she KNOWS intimately the treatment and corporate bullshit that I speak of since we work in the same department.

My fear? That I will go someplace else and still be JUST as jaded and really BE that angry black worker that white folks talk about. You see I used to take soooooo much SHIT and sarcasm and inappropriate commentary from my boss, whereas my girl NEVUH did. And guess what I discovered? SHE get’s more respect than I DO !! An assistant gets MORE respect than a manager! DA FUCK?????? I swear, she has ALWAYS been Q.U.I.C.K to check you if you are inappropriate. So, since a couple of years ago, I have been like “fuck that……that bitch disrespects ME, she will NOT get away with it”. I have found that the LESS you stand up for yourself, the more you get pissed on and MORE people will take your "kindness for weakeness". But you see the seeds had already been sewn when it comes to how my boss acts with me. Therefore,now, for each of her smart assed comments, I fire one RIGHT back at her ass. If I am getting pissed because I am trying to get a point across (calmly) and she just won’t listen and starts being a damn asshole, I inform her “O.K….. this conversation is over because I am getting upset” amd I walk OUT of her office. (yeah I'm surprised I wasn't fired already too, but it's because THAT bitch also knows she's wrong). But she keeeeps thinking that I am that person that I showed her in the beginning, and she continues to try me. That’s because that’s what I showed her. I inadvertently “taught” her how to treat me. She doesn’t get it now that I don’t take her shit.

Yeah, yeah, nig-a-ro's...I know, I know... I can hear you SCREAMING at me to leave this funky ass job before it overtakes me totally. I know, I know. I have become spoiled though. That is my achille's heel. I LOVE what the combo of what my husband and my salary allows me to do. And personally, I do NOT want to go into a job where I have to "Work like a slave" JUST to have the same salary. NOR can I afford to "stay at home". I just want a comfortable,pleasant work environment that pays well and doesn't make me want to snap at the LITTLEST thing at the end of the day. Because besides me having a heart-attack from the lack of adult stimulation, I would REALLY feel like I wasn't "doing anything worthwhile". I want to work, but I want it to be "smarter work" not "harder work". Who really wants to work like a slave???? I for one do not. Yeah, I hear you..... I hear that old saying "what does a man profit, if he loses his soul" (or something like that).....yeah, yeah I feel that too. Which is why I AM looking for another job. As a matter of fact, I will go do some MORE looking right now.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Dumb-ass question of the day:

Why in the HELL don’t snack vending machines take pennies???

Huh? HUH?

I think it’s a conspiracy against ME because they undoubtedly KNOOOOOW that I have like…elem-teen THOUSAND and TWO pennies just floating around in my damn purse for the using! I routinely have soooo many pennies in various places that if I totaled them up I could buy me & my husband a nice dinner with it!

I haaaaaaate them damn pennies! They end up on the floor, floating under seats and on top of dressers and since they are the "coin of lesser value", they usually end up wrangling around in the dryer.....and assorted other places or in jars where they collect dust.

Since I am not a “pennie casher” that rolls the pennies and all that, I guess I just need to take them to the grocery store and throw ‘em in the Coinstar machine!

But I swear, life would be a little sweeter if machines took pennies! Hell, MOST stuff in the vending machines ONLY cost less than a dang dollar!!!! Oh, but wait, I just had a vision…..little old ladies standing in front of the vending machines putting them in one…..by one…..by painful one. I would turn gray just waiting for my turn.

On second thought, I’mma go roll some pennies or take em to the bank or Coinstar.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Remember that old TLC song? Well, I was thinking about the whole concept of it all today. How many of us can say that we have true-blue REAL friends? I remember when my father would comment (usually after the 6th unique caller called me on the phone in a 2 hour span) that “All dem frieeeends you THINK got’cho back AIN’T real! You be lucky to have ONE TRUE friend”.

I have always, by nature gravitated more towards having male friends than female friends. How did this happen? Well, it think it’s two fold…..with guys that I liked in high school, due to my being painfully shy, I would kinda sidle up to them and with some, I became “Robyn…the coooool girl”. I hated that shit. And with many girls, I just didn’t do the same things that they did. Meaning, I wasn’t part of the “cheerleader” clique, or the “dates-the-jocks” clique, or the “ghetto-girl” clique or the “nerdy” clique…..I guess if I HAD to “place myself into one of those boxes it would be the “preppy” clique. But I never really felt that I was totally “in” that group either. Because a lot of those girls were plain and flat out were too FAB(fake ass bitches) for me .

You see, though I hung with and was associated with this group by the way I dressed or who I knew in the clique, I never really fit in or WANTED to be “good friends” with some of them. So of the folks in this group I was friends with literally, a handful of them and still keep in touch with ONE of them today, my girl Traci. She ended up being my roommate in college and we have been friends since age 14. She is a TRUE friend. But as for the other female friends…as the road of life separates people those folks simply faded from my existence.

But the male friends that I have garnered through the years have remained steadfast. I also attribute this to the fact that men will give you the “real” unbiased, un-rehearsed truth. Women will sometimes tell lil lies. But it that being a “real friend”?? I too, am guilty of this. Which brings me to the crux of this post.

I love my best friend. She is an “artiste” (said in my best French accent) by nature. But I do not agree with the way she has gone about her life simply because I feel she is capable of so much more. Me and Zed have discussed this many a night because he knows her too as we all went to Michigan State University. You see my friend is a singer. No, not just a girl who THINKS that she can sing, she has a 5-6 octave range and can REALLY sing! Due to her either not being in the right place at the right time or luck just not shining her way, she has never been able to parlay this love into a consistent and enterprising career. She is my age and still only wishes to sing. She is talented beyond belief. I could list a whollllle list of people from the O’jays to Stevie Wonder who have HEARD HER SING and commented on the fact that she had talent/told her to give them a call. But in THAT business, that could be a dime a dozen. I really can’t remember the reasons why connections like those two didn’t pan out either. But that has left her without a recording contract and longing for that stardom. Problem is, she’s no spring chicken and luckily she has a husband who supports the two of them off of his salary and what she brings home from being a waitress. Yes, you heard me…. she is almost 35 and has been a waitress for years just waiting for that “big break”. But she’s TOTALLY happy with this and her husband accepts this as he accepts her. It’s funny cause I told Zed, that if it were MY husband he’da BEEEEEEEEEN told me “uh…..lookie here mayne….. YOU need a job paying more than $2.05 and hour plus tips!!!” LOL

She neither wants to try nor has done anything other then sing since we were in college. She didn’t complete college, due to an opportunity to go on tour with a popular house music group at the time (Inner city----they made the hits “Big Fun” and “good Life” for all those house heads out there) though she is one of the MOST intelligent and bright people I know.

My situation is that because she is EXTREEEEEEEMELY sensitive oh, let’s say about…EVERYTHING, I cannot tell her my true feelings on some issues that regarding her choices etc. (but do I even have the RIGHT to anyway…..anyway). Am I doing her an injustice? Am I doing our friendship an injustice? Shouldn’t TRUE-BLUE friends be able to “take it” when another friend has something to say which may be taken negatively, albeit having been done out of true love as long as it is done with care? I love her dearly, but in all truth, it is her life and due to her sensitivity, my usually open mouth, closes immediately when it comes to her and her career. A discussion would undoubtedly end in an argument. She is the type of person to get EXTEREMELY offended because her stand on the issues that I have with some of her choices are SET. IN. STONE.

Sometimes I do feel like I am not being the best friend I can be because on sensitive issues, I don’t feel that I can be totally honest without hurting her. But then I think that is it not also a good friend’s responsibility to be considerate, caring and thoughtful when it comes to the feeling and emotions of their friends? I do find myself giving a “gradation” of my true feelings, when deep down it bugs the SHIT outta me. But everyone can’t take everything. And though I would NEVER come off as harsh or rude….. some folks just can’t stand the truth……

So how many of you all tell little lies to friends to “save” feelings from getting hurt?How much of the truth is o.k. to “eliminate” from your conversation and if you do are you not being a true friend???

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Seven Things I Plan to do Before I Die:1.Have another child2. Travel to Australia 3. Own a dog4. Enter into the Real Estate Arena5. Lose about 50 pounds and put on a tight-ass RED wrap-style dress6. Meet my grandchildren (that is if my children have children)7. Own my own business (what, I’m not sure of just yet)

Seven Things I Can Do:1. Listen objectively and give an unbiased opinion2. Tell you the names (or at least recognize upon hearing) most disco songs3. Be a true friend4. Take imaginative and creative pictures 5. Debate my point of view and substantiate it6. Shop til I drop !!!!7. Love like it’s the first time, everytime…..

Seven Things I Cannot Do:

1.Clean up vomit easily (I know, I know…. I have a child…I SHOULD be able to do it and if I HAVE to I will *scowling* but the times that I’ve HAD to, I have almost gagged).2. Catch a glimpse of man urinating in public and not get IMMEDIATELY nauseous! (and yes I have been unfortunate enough to see this tooooo many times) 3. Roll my tongue....I guess I don’t have the gene *shrug*4. Talk on the phone if I don’t want to (if I’m NOT in the mood….it’s best for me NOT to talk to anyone, cuz if I do, it ain’t gon’ be right)5. Get into a BLAZINGGGG argument and just “let it go” soon after the argument. I will hold an attitude until TOMORROW if my anger hasn’t subsided.6. Imagine my life without my son7. Get up the motivation to go back to school.... I want a master's degree, but the idea of having EVEN LESS time to myself is sooooo unappealing at the moment.

Seven Things that Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:1.Smile….if the GRILL ain’t in place…..I can’t fuck wit’cha.2.Intelligence.3.Assuredness4.Compassion and sensitivity (that’s one item on my list, cause they go hand in hand)5.Being well groomed. There’s nothing nicer than a man who has on nicely pressed clothing, some tight shoes and just LOOKS “together”.6.Being a good kisser (I know, you really can’t jusdge that upon sight, but if it’s there, it’s that much more attractive!)7.Shoes. They say that a man’s shoes says a lot about him and it’s true….I’m a sucker for a man in nice shoes!

Seven Things I Say Often:1. Who in da hell?2. who did it (more of a statement than a question)3. I can’t stand it when…4. boom-shacka-lacka-lacka-boom5. You know what……(with the raised eyebrow…a la the Rock)6. What da FUCK?7. shit fire, save matches…..

Seven Celebrity Crushes:1.The Rock ( my husband mentions this penchant EVERY time my second husband is on t.v.) J2. Maxwell.... I've been to his concert 4 times….two were back to back on the same tour! Lawd this is a sexily-understated-sexy man….We could DEFINITELY do a little sumthin’ sumthin, whenever, wherever, whatever!!! LOL3. Lenny Kravitz (in a weird kinda way I like him…but his idio’s would SURELY get on my EVERY LAST nerve by daybreak)4. Al Rod (Alex Rodriguez….he’s just a cutie)5. Q-tip (I met him not once but TWICE and though I have NEVER understood how them lil white chicks are at concerts crying and hyperventilating and shit…… I was about 2 degrees down from that….. I was with two of my best male friends in NYC at the Kenneth Cole store and in he walks with Ali Shaheed ….I.almost.lost.it. Ya’ll don’t understand…I’m a HUUUUUGE Quest fan!)6. Morris Chestnut (he seems like a nice guy to boot AND has beautiful teeth)7. LL Cool J….. (he’s reppin for alllll the men the way he’s kept it tight over the past 20 years!! )

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Have you ever smelled a man that was so funky that you had to get up and LEAVE the area and you were left wondering “doesn’t HE smell himself”??? Or ladies, have you ever smelled the pussy-funk of a girl that either had been wearing some pantyhose WITHOUT draws on or was just plain STANKIN? (I don’t care WHAT you say, that little snatch of doubled-up nylon in the crotch portion of pantyhose does NOT a panty make!!! That shit inevitably ALLLLLLLLLLLWAYS leaves yo’ ass-crack FUNKY AS HELL and (a la da brat…so oooo-oooo, so ooo-ooo, so ooo-ooo fundafiiiiiiiied)!!! EVEN IN THE WINTER!!! I’m sorry, and this is for small girls, big girls ….WHOEVER!) I don’t know WHYYYYYYYYY hoes think that their little coochies are just the freshest things since Massengill after being trapped up in some shit that DON’T BREATHE???? Da hell???? I have smelled both (not by choice, but because da funk was trying to escape from it’s “bondage” and I’m like “what in the HELL possessed her to NOT put on any draws” or in the men’s case, what in da HELL made you think we wanted to smell yo pits and if I can smell it…. you can too!! At least “check yo’self” before you expose me to this funk-tasticness!!!!

Since I have an unusually keen since of smell, I can get a WIFF of any kind of funk and damn-near pinpoint it’s origin. I have been around tooooooooo many women (in locker rooms, changing rooms,etc.) and they could just be changing their clothes and I’ll catch “the wiff” and will then think to myself “damn yo ass stanks!” I HAAAAAAAATE smelling other hoes pussy-funk. Hell, I hate smelling MINE ! Which is why if I even THINK I am funky “down there” I will politely excuse my-damn-funky-self and go “freshen-up”. There is NOOOOOOOOO reason for grown folks to be funky and act like they don’t know it.

Now, as for guys, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

MEN: TRIM THAT GATDAMN NAPPY-ASS BUSH UNDER YOUR ARMS

That shit is not 1. sexy 2. attractive 3. cute 4.appealing or 5. odor-reducing.And for the purposes of this discussion, I am focusing on #5. I can’t stand wanting to be close to my man and have him put his arm around my shoulder only to have my eyes, lips and nose be greeted by a gigantic bush of black and white (from the deodorant) hair!!! Don’t ya’ll know that THAT shit is a turn-off for most of us??? Hell, I will have broke out in a damn rash on my face and in my nose fucking around with yo underarm forest! And to top it off, due to the ginormous distance between the skin and the deodorant (thanks to the bush) there is very LITTLE work being done by the deodorant. It’s sititing on TOP of the hair!! Please, for the love of all that is fresh and CLEAN, CUT THAT BUSH!!!

I can hear those of you like Zed’s ass who are proclaiming emphatically “fuck that! I ain’t cutting SHIT”. Well, I guess ya’ll will continue to have funky ass underarms and yellow sweat stains in shirts because of some inane ass macho-bullshit idea that “real men don’t cut their underarm/pubic hair”. Well, funk on ya’ll, funk on!

The idea that it is not macho to TRIM (I didn’t say shave the ENTIRE shit off…which in MY opinion would be LOV-ELY) the shit is utterly ridiculous!!! It’s so much of a better look too. Be a little metrosexual….it’s O.K……it ain’t all that bad guys. That goes for the pubic’s too. No woman wants a mouthful of funky ass ball-hair!!!! You want some head.... I want a you to trim your nut-hair! But that’s a whooooooole nutha topic (I know Zed….I’ll get to it tomorrow maybe) But it’s the truth…… Hair breeds bacteria in moist conditions. And what is more prone (other than twats and balls) to be moist BUT underarms!

But hey….if this idea caught fire, it could REVOLUTIONIZE the deodorant industry. All of a sudden the “funkiness factor” would be cut in half!! There would be no NEED for companies to research *new and improved* ways to fight “odor and wetness”. I have the solution RIGHT HERE for MANY of these cases!

Now of course there would be those with the embedded-funk. That calls for more extereme measures of bathing and soaking, but all in all, I think we’d have 50% of the funkies beat! Same for women. I don’t care HOW you do it, wear some draws, use some FDS if you know ya ass is funky-stank-nasty and make the world a better place for you and me.

Friday, October 14, 2005

If ever there were a number that brings back old and fond memories, it’s 1669. That number represents the numerical address where 3 of my closest male friends lived during my last 2 years at Michigan State. It was an off-campus townhouse and these three bachelors (who me and my roommate had gotten cool with when we all live on the same floor in our dorm) were awesome and turned out to be three of my best friends.

We all met in 1989 when (sidenote: DAMN THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!!!!) we lived on the brother and sister floors in Aker’s Hall at MSU. It was the year we all were finding out what it was really like to be independent and though all but me were freshman, we enjoyed each other’s comraderie and became lifelong friends.

We have been through so much together and are STILL very good friends. Many people couldn’t see how 3 guys and 2 girls could be “just friends”. Well, it was very simple for us. Melvin and Jay were roommates in the dorm and went to high school together and Steve folded into the group somewhere along the line. Me and Rashidah were roommates and had become good friends.

Since they lived off campus, on the weekends we’d try to escape to their crib because they were KNOWN for having the 1669 parties! And though they ALL had women at one time or another they knew we were their true road dawgs and vice versa. We were like their sisters and they treated us as such. Head mashes, cursory cursing out-fests, and fued’s if they refused to come pick us up to hang with them for the weekend were all commonplace. We always knew we could count on them and since all three fo them had cars, the only rule was “if we come & get ya’ll….pack a bag cuz we AIN’T playing taxi service and taking ya’ll back and forth!”. We’d be like “yeah, yeah nigga’s…come and get us!!!!”

Now, the boys were like 3 shades of “crazee” as I like to call them. Melvin (who is married to my good friend Samantha….actually, that’s how me & Sam became friends…..when he married her! J ) was always the super-neat studious (not nerdy, but just about his business), cool, down to earth, jokester one of the bunch. Jay, well….let’s just say that pimpin ain't e-z and SOMEBODY’S gotta do it LOL He was the one that was always , always, ALWAYS on super-hype mode (actually he STILL IS, no lie!) out of the bunch and was ALWAYS ready to get sum shit JUMPIN’! Steve, was the mellow-pimp of the group. By that I mean, he was not arrogant, but he didn’t sweat no hoes either. He was calmer, but had (and still has) THEE ABSOLUTE funniest and quickest wit outta EVERYONE! No one can make me laugh like his ass! Now me & my roomie were like two shades of each other too. Shida was the one who was qu-ick to cuss a mothafucka O.U.T in 10 seconds flat and was a basically funny and fun person to be around and me…well…. I’m me, what can I say ? *poppin colla*

If we could catch them at home on a weekend, me & Shida would chill with one, two or all three of them when we could. We would come over Mel would usually cook for our little “family” and we’d either go to a movie or a gig or just hang around the crib. Me & Shida would tell otha muthafucka’s that meandered by “Hey, WE got the pull-out couch…..you betta find you a spot on the flo!” LOL

We had many funny and bonding incidents such as when Jay and Mel were playing around and wrestling and Mel broke/cracked Jay’s waterbed frame by mistake (“it’s all fun & games until somebody put’s out an eye”) and when we went to this party and the shit turned ROW-DEE and the Lansing police decided that they needed to MACE some people for supposed Crowd control. That shit was crazee. This was the time of Chuck D, KRS-One, X-Clan and anything else afrocentric. So you know we were all heated. My boy Steve (who was the DJ at this party) got mace sprayed in his eyes as he was trying to protect/remove his 12’s and get the hell outta dodge. Nigga’s were throwing table and chairs and it was all out mayhem. Once we all got back to 1669, the mood was solemn. Everyone was accounted for, but our spirits felt like they’d been raped and decimated. Steve sat, silently, enraged. He all of a sudden decided that he was going to go BACK up there to get shit “crunk”. We stopped him and he fought back tears and until that night, I had never seen a black man’s spirit after it had been crushed by the weight of oppression and it was then that I truly felt his rage at the injustices at the “hands of the police”. We were all emotionally spent.

We've shared in joys and sorrows, given advice and given tough love and we've grown through it all. It is so wnderful to have friends like these, because they are few and truly hard to find. Maybe it was luck, maybe it was fate, but I am thankful that whatever forces brought us together, we've stayed in each other's lives as we have.

We all are now beginning to start families and are embarking on new phases of our lives and I am glad that I have them to depend on and grow with.

All in all I had some of my most treasured and memorable college moments were with the “1669 Crew” as we referred to ourselves. We still remain tight to THIS day and I can’t imagine my life without them. It was one of the best times of my life.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Lemme tell you the update on FATBALL first. If you are just joining us, read this first. Got it. good.

O.K., My stank-azz boss (see:VP of HR) was saying that she wanted ME to talk to him FIRST and that THEN she'd talk to him. You have to understand who we're dealing with. She is a miserable woman who is up in errrrrrrry'body's business and tells err'body's business. She is a dumpy-frumpy white woman, who has a thyroid condition that hampers all of her attempts to lose weight and so, she is like a size 16 and is 5"1'.

So….she comes and tells me yesterday that she had a little "talk with him" and that he was "so embarrassed that he turned purple"....whatever bitch. I ain't FEELIN it. She says that she told him that I “handled the comment EXTREMELY professionally" and that it’s “not Robyn’s wish to get you disciplined or fired, but instead to let you know that those comments were unprofessional and that since you are manager that her concern was that what if you said this to someone else….”. She said that he said that as soon as he said it he knew it was wrong. Or did you notice your confederate flag peeking out of your shirt pocket? She said that he said that he was going to apologize. I saw him yesterday IN PASSING (I was coming in and he was leaving….it must’ve been RIGHT after they had talked, cuz she told me right when I got upstairs) and he made NOOOO mention and just made small talk for a minute or so. Maybe he figured that wasn’t the place to apologize for a racial injustice *shrug* whatever. I could care LESS about an apology because THAT ain’t what counts! The fact that the thought even crossed your mind as something that might be “o.k.” to say is the part that bothers me, and an apology AIN’T gon’ change that shyt!

Now, I also partly feel like I am doing myself and black folks an injustice NOT calling the Gods of the Dept. of Civil Rights and the EEOC out with a hostile work environment charge or something. However, I have to eat. Am I sacrificing my pride and my race for food? I don’t know. Am I being a sell-out by NOT making a humongous stink about this?? I know a lot of ya’ll said that I should. My boss is the QUEEEEN of turning an OBVIOUSLY wrong situation into “just something unfortunate” and downplaying it to the MAXIMUM. To REALLLLLY get the desired effect of making a “stink” I would have to start the war. And to be honest, I have enough other shit to stress about in my life OTHER THAN her and adding THIS to my plate does NOT appeal to my palate. So, in a way I guess I am selling-out. For me, this is NOT the place to fight the war. MY boss would turn this around on ME SOMEHOW. Trust me. She does it ALL the time with other shit. She would probably tell the president that it was ME that was overreacting and cite that my reaction at the time wasn’t extreme so “I just don’t know WHYYYY she’s acting like this now” and that “she never TOLD ME that it was a HUGE problem and so I don’t understand…….” (which she will then try to call my credibility into question due to my “late” display of anger). Then she would reference that she had NEVER heard Dan say that and that she’s ”sure” he wasn’t trying to be offensive….blah,blah,blah”…… Do you see where I’m going on this????? She is the MASTER DIFFUSER/BULLSHITTER/GET-IT-TO-GO-MY-WAY muthafucka!

So anywho……She goes on to say “I told him that you were going to talk to him”. and I just looked at her when she said it and she continued on babbling saying how sorrrrrry he was and how he kneeeeew that it was wrong …..yeah, take up for your people, just like I’m gonna take up for mine bitch. And I am so NOT gonna talk to his ass either.... not my job

Cuz yeah if he had’a said that shit to MOST blacks, he WOULD HAVE gotten a terse retort OR gotten the shit slapped outta him and I swear, if this were NOT my bread and butter and if jobs were NOT so hard to come by, I SWEEEEEEEEEEAR that I woulda cursed him out with words that have yet to be created! My boss in her fucking infinite wisdom really thinks that it didn’t bother me that much. But that is because I didn’t make a huge stink about it. You have to understand the culture of my organization and the non-close relationship that I have with my boss. I am ALREADY in a tenuous position with my boss because she views me as a person that routinely “challenges” her authority. No, bitch I just have a mind and I use it. I do what she request for the most part, but if it is something BLATANTLY stupid or redundant, then I’m gonna speak up and object to that shit and suggest a different way. She, however, wants things HER WAY OR NO WAY. She is also a tyrannical micromanager. She wants to know if a fly pisses on my desk, much less anything else that goes on literally. I have had more straight up ARGUMENTS where she REFUSES TO listen to my reasoning, cuts me off, and I end up WALKING OUT OF HER OFFICE, than I care to think about. Actually, I’m surprised I’m not fired already. I just refuse to take her shit, like I used to. You see I was a little more tolerant when I got here of some of her shitty ways. Now? If she makes a smart-assed comment, she’s gonna get one thrown RIGHT back at her ass. Because I seriously dislike this hoe. Beef…it’s for dinner. Oh, and by-the-by…her LAST TWO HR Assistants (which is my gir;s position) filed EEOC charges on her and the HR Manager BEFORE ME filed an EEOC charge on her ass too. Hmmmmmm….what does THAT shit tell you???? I SWEAR I’d pay to read those charges…… they’re probably locked up somewhere so we (the staff) will never come across them. DRATS!

The reason I have let her think that I was not severely bothered about this is two-fold. One, I HATE any conversations that I have to have with her because she is horrible, from her unwashed hair to her lipstick that she proudly proclaims “stays on for 3 days “ (it’s the Revlon ColorStay stuff, but um….that was meant to be WASHED OFF AT DAY”S END YOU DIRTY BITCH) , to her smeared on under eye concealer, her WHOLLLLE hookup just AIN’T a good look. And #2, if she knew just how much I WAS offended, she would NEVER leave me a lone. Meaning, she would view me as the “hostile” negro and this would add stress to an ALREADY retartedly-sour relationship that we have.

So, why stay right. The perks. I make a DAMMMMMN good salary and am NOT overworked. I also get almost a grip EACH month for a “car allowance”, and I have a $2K reimbursement plan(that I do not pay premiums for) that reimburses me for any medical/dental bills for me and my fam that the insurance doesn’t cover! AND I am eligible for a bonus equal to 10% of my salary. Now, you see why I stay???? Because I LITERALLY knew shit was going to be fucked up and could peep her steelo after I had been here for THREE FUCKING WEEKS. I have been here almost 4 years people. Well, it must not be that bad, you say. No, believe me it is. I have a black co-worker who is around my age and she is the ONLY thing that keeps me sane. She "cover’s" for me if I need to sneak out for a minute and she is my eyes and ears and we keep watch other up on the bullshit that her and the damn Labor Relations Manager (who I can’t stand either because he is an arrogant asshole with a horrible nasty attitude and talks to EVERYONE he deals with that’s below him, like they are ignorant and nor worth SHIT and sometimes TELLS them as much depending on who it is. Not me, cuz we're the SAME grade level and HE'D get a hot one from me, but some of his union folks he’s comfortable with). So I really so work for a horrible woman and have to sit next to and occasionally interact with her in-house “spy”/Labor Manager.

I know that was off on a tangent, but I felt the need to vent *breathe, release, breathe, release* and let the clear picture of my working world be told.

And she’s the VP of HR . Yeah, whatever. And I have to agree with X….. HR folks are the WORST offenders of shit! And the bad thing is that if I really wanted to make a stink about anything, I would have to go to her boss (the president of our division) and he would in turn channel it riiiiight back through the “chain of command” to her and I would be FORCED to discuss this with her!!! ARRRRGHHHH!!! This is why I sometimes think that HR is soooo not for my ass!! LOL

Monday, October 10, 2005

Now, while I know that you all aren’t shocked at that statement, I had an encounter the other day from which I am STILL fuming.

Lemme ‘splain.

There’s this white man that sits about 30 feet from me who up until the other day, I THOUGHT had some semblance of sense. Let's call him FATBALL Sure, he’s goofy and looks like he’s 54 months pregnant (he’s one of those men with skiiiiiiny ass legs and a GINORMOUS stomach). Sure, FATBALL routinely loses information (like once a month) that he shouts to the office “aaaaaaaaaw shoot! I just lost 3 ½ hours worth of work…..I just made a mistake and deleted my work!!!!”(see:dumbass). This happens to this jackass EVERY MONTH! You’da thunk it that he’d have LEARNED to hit the “save as” key by now, but noooooooooooooo. So, as far as I’m concerned, you deserve what you get. Either your fingers are too freakin fat or you are just too dumb to hit the save option.

Whatever…..So me him AND MY BOSS (see: VP OF HR----that would be HUMAN RESOURCES) were at my desk talking. My boss had come over to ask the following question: "if we were allowed to, would you come dressed in a costume on Halloween?" My "no" came out before she'd finished her last word. I do NOT do dumb-ass costumes in front of these goofy as white folks I work with. period. Just like they'll never see me drink....they'll never see the "real" Robyn.

So, FATBALL says TO ME, "Hey,.... don't take this the wrong way (me thinking :uh-oh. whenEVER a white person says THAT dumbass shit, it has ALWAYS been something that they should not be saying, so my spidey-sense was going BATSHIT at this point). Well, I wasn't expecting what he said next.

FATBALL says (in a light,airy and jovial way) "You know what you could be for Halloween?" (note: I NEVER SAID I was going to be SHIT, not here OR otherwise). I said "nooo......"

He says "you could dress up as Aunt Jemima" *echos*

WHAT IN THEEEE FUCK?

O.K., I can see the look on ya'll's faces right now. It's the SAME GATDAMN. look I had when he said it.

*close ya'll's mouths*

I had a blank look and was speechless. Here. lemme 'splain. If I had have said something, ANYTHING to REALLY address this at THAT moment, trust that I would not eb able to blog to ya'll from this work location today, because my "nigga-stinct" started to go OFF on his ass.

My boss did a quick eye shift that said, without saying anything "oh shit...I know that shit is MUY inappropriate, but if this bitch don't say shit, I won't either".

Now, me and this guy sit abotu 30 feet from one another and he is a "simpleton" kinda person and I am soooo not trying to justify him saying this in ANY way, I am just describing his affect as it were. He is friendly and talks to much. He's one of those nice-but-irritating people who everyone in the office knows if you don't want a simple comment to turn into a 45 minute conversation about NOTHING, DON'T talk to him.

So,I said "uh.... I guess I COULD, but" then before I could say another word, my boss interrupts and said "But would you even want to is the question" with a quizzical look on her face. Don't ya'll KNOW that her bitch ass sat RIGHT THERE and did NOT say a DAMN thing to his lily white ass!! This is the bitch that if you even repeat a 1/2way questionable joke, and SHE HEARS IT.....baaaaaby....her ass will call you into her office quicker than you can BLINK!!!! So I was shocked and APALLED that her "I-used-to-work-for-the-Dept.-Of-Civil-Rights"ASS( as she always notes, to try to prove, apparently, how just and true to the cause she is...whatever bitch) didn't say SHIT! As my supervisor who is the VP OF HR (as she likes to tout), she should've had a discussion with his ass right then and there.

So, then this muthafucka starts talking about how one of his "family members" had a cookie jar with the "aunt jemima/mammy " character on it,and how nice it was, but it got cracked and then started talking about the merits of Hattie McDaniel......what the FUCK EVER!. I was done. The conversation eventually trailed off onto something else and he went back to his desk. I felt wronged and could not get my thoughts together to even reply to this jackass. Because since I AM the Manager of HR, if I'd have responded in kind, it would be MY ASS who got a more serious reprimand! DAMMIT! Now while I have NEVER thought that he is OURTIGHT racist, I feel that there are TOO many white people floating around who have NO RACIAL sensitivity because they live in their "white" communities and deal with their "white " friends and their kids go to a 99.99997% "white" school. You see, here, in and around Detroit, most white folks live waaaay outside the city limits (as far from us as possible) and drive a rediculous amount each day just to go to work. So.... because most blacks (even the middle class) do NOT live out there....they are TRULY not having to DEAL with our black ASSES. Hence, they live their lives thinking and really convincing themselves that #1, racism is dead and #2 that saying shit like that is not that bad.

O.K., so this happened last Tuesday. My boss had to leave shortly after that happened and I wanted to talk to my husband about it, so I didn't say anything about it to her on Tuesday. I didn't get a chance to talk to her Wednesday. Thursday rolls around and she was there for a LIMITED time, so I did take advantage and went to her. Here's the convo:

Me:I wanted to talk to you about what Dan said the other day. I felt that it was inappropriate and wanted to ask that you talk to him about it. As the VP of HR, and you were witness to it, I'm sure that he'll understand...Her: You know, I am soooo glad that you mentioned that.... I had planned to have that conversation with him, but I am soooo glad that you mentioned it.... I think he knew it was wrong as soon as it came out of his mouth but then he kept going on and made it WORSE, instead of better....Me: Yeah, so when are you gonna talk to him?Her: I am going to talk to him next week....I am glad that you mentioned that *fake ass hoe*

Now, her fake ass had NO designs on saying SHIT to him UNTIL I said something because she needed NO statements, no details, no NOTHING...the bitch was THERE! She is FAKE AS HELL and I can't STAND her! She is full of bullshit and babyoil and I KNOW IT!

Fast forward to Friday: She comes to me and says "I was thinking....I think that it would come from you better, because you two are peers and are the same grade and it's good for him in terms of learning from someone who is on his level and you just happen to be the MANAGER of HR, so that's good too" (see: this stankin ass bitch is trying to get outta dealing with it. trick ass.) Now this is not the FIRST time she's tried to pull that "i'mma defer this to you" when she just didn't want to hande some shit. Now, usually this bitch has her nose up in EVERY single item IN THIS OFFICE, but how con-VEN-ient of you to "defer it to me" because "this will be good in terms of building a relationship and he'll take it well from you because you two are both managers, blah, blah, blah". Ya'll do NOT KNOW how much I cannot STAND her ass. I would say hate, but in order to hate someone I believe that you have to have first loved them. And I don't (and never have) loved that hoe. I just chuckled and listened to the rest of her bullshit diatribe and said "yeah o.k."

Fastforward to today: I have made the decision (actually, I'd made it when she suggested that "get out of jail free" bullshit for her own ass on Friday), but I am NOT talking to him. I am not going to tell HER that I am NOT talking to him and WHEN she asks have I, I will tell her that I think that it is HER job to tell him. I mean, she was THERE!! I could see if she were not witness to the shit, but she is the TOP HR person and you are deferring it to me?????? Hell no bitch you will NOT get to sit idly and comfortably by while I do YOUR job. Nope. I don't get paid to. So.... I'll update ya'll on this shit as it unravels.

But answer me this. If that muthafucka DIDN'T know that what he was about to say was FUCKED UP.....why in the HELL did he preface it with "don't take this the wrong way"? Yeah.... my though exactly.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Hey party people! What’s really gotcha goin’ this week. This was been one of those weeks that has come and I’m glad is going. It’s been a trip from my friend that I wrote about earlier in the week to seeking another income stream (more on that later) but all in all it’s a (as gossip quen Flo Anthony says) a “Friday Eve” and I thinkt hat I’m gonna borrow an idea for a spell from some other cool bloggers X and Organized Noise.

I have decided to hold an open forum with my fellow bloggers on the merits and questions the “Seven Deadly Sins” bring to mind. Each Thursday, I will discuss a new sin. Today’s sin is *drumroll*….

ENVY

Envy is a common sin of which I too have been guilty of. I have found myself more often than I should being envious of someone’s success because “I haven’t been able to get to the place where I’d thought I’d be at this age…..”. I have been envious of people that have unlimited wealth and can just “pick” and choose what they want to do today. I have been envious of stay at home Mom’s who can AFFORD to stay and home AND maintain a comfortable middle-class lifestyle. I have not found the keys to any of those things that I have named above.

Envy at times is good because it can be a motivator. If you envy a young lady’s position on the swim team in high school, it may inspire you to forge ahead. As a matter of fact, envy can sometimes be transformed into a positive for the person experiencing it.

I have had people be envious of me and though I sooo didn't see why but(I'm just bein' me).....they were. Made me a lil uncomfy too.

I am sure that there have been times in everyone's life when they were envious at someone's good looks, their status, their abilities, or their lives in general. Envy can be the most destructive because it can surface in almost ANY situation. But does it always have to be that way?

It can turn dangerous and may take advantage of your mind at a high cost in some instances. I was recently watching Dateline or 20/20 and there was a story about this girl who was in foster care, who envied this particular couple of girls, that she tried to be them, tried to turn some of their other friends against them in hopes that they would cling to her, etc. The bad part was, that they were not to be fucked with. One girl hatched a plan with another girl to beat the girl up because she was spreading lies about her to her friends after the girl had stolen her phone book and used it to make calls to the friends. The end all and be all is that through a series of weird events, a young woman, who was friends with the young woman that hatched the plan, killed the envious girl. Wow. I want to be like you and envy you and now, death is the result?Naw..... that just isn't right.

Envy is one of the most potentially destructive sins in my opinion.

What do you envy? Have you even been VERY envious?Of what or whom and why? Do you know people who are very envious?

Thursday, September 29, 2005

As the old saying goes “the early bird gets the worm” or was it “better late than never”? Yeah, that’s it! I subscribe to the latter. You seem I am horribly afflicted with the “CPT disease”…..yup…… I just CAN’T seem to be on time. Here, lemme ‘splain….

I have a boss who is a micromanaging jackass. I am a manager. I am an exempt employee. Yet, she ROUTINELY nickel-n-dimes me about being 3-5 minutes late. This (probably due to the fact that I could definitely be a case study in “reverse psychology”) just makes me REALLY not put forth the effort to be here early. Because that kind of time frame is negligible. Yeah I know it’s the “principle” and it’s the “rules”. But in my opinion, if you value your employees,something such as 5 minutes should NOT be noted, cited, catalogued and preserved in your tiny little brain.

Most of this is probably because she and I OFTEN have different takes on things and I ROUTINELY challenge the dumb-shit she does, so this is par for the course with me & her. But it really makes me NOT want to be here 5 minutes or even 10 minutes before hand. Me being 5 minutes late is just petty. But here’s the deal as well, I HAAAAAAAATE being around her soooooooooo much, that I do NOT WANT to be even 1 MINUTE early for work!!! But I am getting off of the subject matter.

I find it difficult to be early or on time. It’s really a terrible fault I have. I am not like 30-40 minutes late when I am supposed to meet someone, but I might be RIIIIIIIIIGHT on the nose or a leeeeetle, wee bit late.

As well, I am a HORRIBLE procrastinator, much to the irritation of my boss. She occasionally points out that “ I should NOT wait until the last minute to write my charges (that she wants to read before I send them out)”. Look…. I write very well. I do NOT NEED your azz to do every “i” and cross every “t” I just don’t. So, I am of the position that I really do NOT care if YOU are irritated because I am doing this when I am comfortable doing it AND before the deadline. This is one thing that I am NEVER late on. Writing responses to the Dept. of Civil Rights or EEOC charges. Them mofo’s don’t play and a fine could mean my ass! So, we don’t play with that.

However, I am (and have AAAALWAYS been ) a person that works better under pressure. If you give me 6 weeks to do a project, if I were forced to do it in the first few weeks, the product you’d get would resemble cow dung. Because if it’s too far in advance, I have no sense of urgency, therefore I have a lack of attention to the task at hand. But gimme something that’s due in 4 days…… I can probably get it done in 1, but that 4 day window is juuuuust enough for me to work at an accelerated-leisurely, but steady pace. Then the product will be lovely, because I was focused. I just cannot “FOCUS” * picture me squinting and pursing lips* if it’s too far in advance.

Thanks to everyoen that took the time to comment on this topic surrounding the movie Crash. This movie had several subplots and several issues that I could have spoken to, but I felt that I should narrow the field or we'd be here all day dialoguing and debating ;)

My .05 centsIn my humble opinion, if it were me that was in this situation, I would NOT have wanted to go to jail and would have preferred that my husband say NOT A DAMN THING. Hear me out on this. Though I would've been seething and as Danyel said "I would want him to stand still, though, so we could get home and plan (and execute) a horrible, long-lasting, tortuous demise for the cop in question.

I am coming froma different frame of reference than I think most people were when they commented. It's not that I believe wholeheartedly and blindly in the justice system, I feel quite the opposite actually. I however have a 15 month old child. And I CANNOT AFFORD for him to grow up without a Mommy OR a Daddy. Period. That cop was just ITCHING (like he had crabs) to FIND a sliver of a reason to JACK THEM UP!

I also would not let MY personal ego come into play when it comes to either me and hubby shutting the HELL up, or us potentially having an ugly situation go from bad to HORRIBLE in a flash. And I say "ego" because NO ONE wants to be embarrassed and disrespected and it takes a STROOOOOONNNNNG person to think of the consequences that could come out of a situation when you're IN the situation! Yes, I would want my husband to "protect my honor", but what have I gained if I go to jail or if me AND my husband go to jail???? Life is full of hard choices and the otpions before you are NEVER equally weighted. Of COURSE I would feel that my honor is worth protecting AND fighting for. But isn't my life and my family as well???? YES, would want to strangle the breath out of that cop if that were done to me, yes, I would want to damn near castrate him, BUT..... on the other hand, why should I let this ONE ASSHOLE ruin (well,potentially ruin...you never know WHAT could happen once you set the chain of events rolling) my life????? I work at a job where if you are CONVICTED of a crime, you are terminated. O.K., so, what happens when I then go to ANOTHER job and they run a background check and see a misdemeanor or a felony on my record??? I make a pretty decent salary and I can damn near GUARANTEE that as a black woman in America, if I had a "record" it would be EXCEEDINGLY and REDICULOUSLY difficult to get that back somewhere else. I would be branded thrice. Black. Woman.Criminal.

I am torn about this one. Because I feel that even with cops that ARE NOT racist and crooked, it only takes a COUPLE of "fuck you's" and "go to hell's " and "you can't do that to me's" to make MOST cops go OFF! They, in my opinion, have a God complex. They feel untouchable and for the most part..... when it comes to proving who was wrong, if they had "reasonable suspicion" to think whatever it is that they THOUGHT that made them do whatever it was that they DID, there's a good chance they'll get off. Reasonable suspicion. But I also would WANT to curse them from here to Sunday and have my husband slam him and pummel his forehead into the ground.

Now, I also know that in certain situations, the cops (like this one ) are just f**ked up and it doesn't really matter if you look well dressed or are well spoken. You MUST do EXACTLY what Terrence did (i.e.apologize and just try to get the hell out of the situation unharmed and unhandcufed.) I see the arguments of everyone, however, the risk is too great for the potential price that I would have to pay for letting his STUPID ass "take me there" . I would rather feel DISRESPECTED than be taken away from my family (in this particular situation...not in a more severe one such as him attempting to rape or something of the like). I would rather deal with his ass through the courts and such (like I said, I don't have faith in that shit either, truth be told, but it's better than doing a bid because shit got outta hand).

Because, just LET me get away and your ass is mine.....one way or another. That would NOT be the last, but this time there would be something that anonymously "happens" to your ass.... it would be dealt with, and NOT by my own hands.

So there ya have it. I would've shut the f**k up and wanted my husband to do the same in this partucluar situation. It would be dealt with later.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

O.K ya'll...I knoooooow I am a day late and a dolla short on this one, but I JUST saw the movie "Crash". And for those that are late as hell like me, it was EXCELLENT!!!!!!!! I am going to go buy it today!

But this brings me to a controversial part in the movie

**DISCLAIMER**If you have NOT seen the movie and do NOT wish to know a very important part of the movie, STOP READING NOW

(to refresh everyone's memory the scene I have a question about was the scene where the police officer pulls Thandie and Terrence over, just because he sees them in a Black Navigator, which is the type of vehicle being sought in connection with a car-jacking on the same evening. The police officer, who we have learned was obviously racist, pulls them over when he flashes his lights and sees they are black, though his partner is vehemently opposed to it. His partner tells him that "this is NOT the Navigator, the plates don't match, etc.". The racist police officer pulls them over anyway. He accuses Howard of being drunk by making him touch his nose and stand on one leg. Thandie gets upset, gets out of the car and begins telling the police that they are wrong for stopping them and due to her getting more and more angry and mouthing off to the police officer, the racist police officer proceeds to "frisk" Thandie, UP HER DRESS, BETWEEN HER LEGS, and OBVIOUSLY FEELING AND GRABBING her CROTCH , as she winces in shame, all in the name of "you could be hiding something up that coctail dress" when he obviously knew she wasn't. Terrence felt that he should not say anything because this police officer was the type to take them to jail in a heartbeat or do them bodily harm. So, in a backhanded way, the police officer coaxed Terrence into apologizing for the whole incident and Thandie was LIVID. She felt betrayed because she felt he sold out by aplogizing and was livid because he did not punch the guy out and go to jail to save her reputation. He felt that the police officer was a crazy racist nutball and to have kept running off at the mouth would've gotten him and possible her, killed. So he said nothing.

O.k., so, here are my question(s):1.In the scene where Terrence Howard and Thandie Newton were pulled over by the police, men, what would you have done? 2. Women how would you feel if your man did nothing?3. How would you feel if he had punched the police officer?

I love this movie because it speaks to racism and classism on so many levels. It is a movie that needs to be seen by blacks and whites alike.

Let me know what you think........ and then I'll tell you what I think!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I decided to post a couple of pics of my little stinky boy. He is my light and my joy. He's now 15 months old and is into EVERYTHING!!! WHEW!! I need some vitamins to keep UP with his lil behind!!! :-)

He just looks like a little angel.....yaah right!! LOL

This pic was of he & my Mom in July...can't you tell she's just LOVIN' her first grandbaby???? :)

This one was of me & my stinky boy in July

He loves his daddy.....

Now....you'd SWEAR my child ain't black because THIS is what his face looks like when you try to give him some grits *SMDH*....we'll keep working on this...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

My girlfriend and I went to a Cider Mill last weekend. Actually, I had been meaning to post this but just did not have the time and forgot about this. For those of you unfamiliar with Cider Mills, they are very popular in the Midwest around this time of the year. Cider Mills are where fresh apple cider is made. It is pressed and put into jugs to be sold. Cide Mills are only open from late Aug. through the beginning of December. So if you want some cider you have a limited window. The mill that I go to is not that far from my house and is a very popular one. Not only can you get cider there, but you can get fresh warm cinnamon donuts, hot dogs, apple pie, caramel apples and an assortment of other apple-based products. There is also a shallow creek that runs right by the mill, so you can go and sit by the rocks and drink your cider and eat your donuts, etc. with your family. All products are fresh and free of preservatives and are the BOMB! On a cool fall afternoon it’s so nice to go to the Cider Mill, with it’s gorgeous scenery and cozy, relaxed atmosphere.

SCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!

Except for:

THE BEES:

*cue the music from a scene in a Star Trek episode where they leave you on the edge of your seat with a cliffhanger---to be continued*

“dun dun dun....DUD-DUH”

THE BEES:

Let me start by saying that I have never been stung by a bee in MY LIFE, but am DEATHLY afraid of them! Anything that I can’t get away from quickly enough that can follow my ass AND hurt me, it to be feared in my eyes!

So, now take that nice vision I gave you above and add “THE BEES-----EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE”

As soon as me & my girl pulled up, I said “aaawwww FUCK! I forgot about them fucking stankin ass BEES!” There are ALLLLLLLLWAYS bees at the Cider Mill. I said “DAMN, don’t these assholes invest in Extermination services????? DAMN! You KNOW that there will be bees because of the sweet smell/taste of the apples!! Why won’t these jackasses get some roach spray or something! Jeeeesh!”

Fear immediately set in. It was probably some foreshadowing……

Sooooo…we get out of the car and immediately I see the bees, flying aroud the lot where we were, near the brook, near EVERY garbage can and DEFINITELY near the entrances to the Cider Mill. I said to myself *hmmm…there must be more of them around now than when I usually make my first trip in October, because it’s hot still and the smell travels/is more intense and draws them nearer in bigger numbers…..*

So, anywho there were two walking paths to take to go up to the cider mill itself. I quickly assessed which one had the LEAST amount of bees buzzing about and told my girl (who had not been to one before) “cool….let’s go this way…less bees”.

So, we get up to the little house-shaped apple-dwelling and go in….so we look around and get in line. As we are in line peoplr are constantly in & out of this place, so there are a few bees INSIDE the screened door looking as if they are trying to get out. I keep it movin up the line tryin’ to get away from them even.

So, fast forward, we get our donuts and our cider and since it was still a warm summer day, they had this “cider slush”, so we got a small one to share. I bought a ½ gallon of cider and she bought a quart.

So, off we go into the parking lot. So, dig if you will a picture: She gets a phone call as we leave and she’s carrying my ½ gallon of cider. She’s in front of me and I’m behind her. I have the cider slush in my left hand, my purse on my left arm ( which is one of those “open at the top with no zipper” small, bucket types of purses that CANNOT go on your shoulder because the strap is too short), and her quart of cider in my right hand. (all this detail is going somewhere….bear with me)

We’re going to the car and this BEE lands RIGHT ON THE TOP OF MY CUP OF SLUSH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHIT! I start gently waving my hand with the slush in it, ( and my purse on my arm) around trying to get the bee to go away. It doesn’t work, I wave harder. My girl is on the phone just a walkin not paying ONE bit of attention to my ass trying to stay cool, but ‘bout to go into a FIT! The bee, persistent little fucker that is was, would NOT GO AWAY! I start flailing my arm (the one with the purse on it and the slush in hand) back and forth trying to get away, all the while bobbing and weaving like I was Laila Ali, trying to get AWAAAAAAY from this damn bee! Shit is threatening to fall out of my purse (remember the purse is open at the top) and I am going fucking CRAZEEEEEEEE !!!! It STIIIIIIIIILL would NOT go away. So, I start backing up, flailing my arms and sprinting backwards, forwards and sideways TRYING to get this damn bee away from me. Now, I knew the little jackass was probably getting irritated because I was swatting at him and shit and he would come back towards me, looking like he was trying to run INTO my face and shit and I was going FUCKIN crazy! My friend was STILL ON the GATDAMN PHONE and was STILL paying me NO attention until I yelled “SAMAAAAAAAANTHAA!!!!!! HEEEEELLLLP!! YAAAAAAHHHHH” as I’m running from the fucking bee! I mean this bee stuck with me for AT LEAST 250 feet! I could NOT get away. And even when my “friend” did turn around she only turned around ¼ of the way in a “what the shit?” kinda way and kept right-the-fuck-on talking and walking as I stood there, twisting my head from side to side (picture how a dog shakes water off of it’s body) so hard that my hair was slapping me in my face! . I KNOW I was looking like a heroin-laced crack head with Turret’s !!! I was going absolutely APE –SHIT! This godamn bee would NOT leave me alone!!! All this time my girl STILL on the phone.

As we approached the car apparently the bee relented…thank God! I did NOT drop my slush and to top it OFF, when I got to the car, I was the one who had to get my keys out and open the door!! I wanted to kill my girl!!!! At that point I wasn’t convinced that the bee had not jumped on my back or something so I’m looking around like I’m a schizo that sees shit crawling on their body or something and trying to make sure his ass wasn’t around before I got in the car. Somehow I shook his ass AND salvaged the crushed, yet, drinkable cup of cider slush. Hallaleujah!

So….moral of the story…don’t go to Cider Mills when it’s hot….or without a pollinators-suit on…..