His 9 Secret Turn-Ons

Great sex is all about adjectives: Hot. Sultry. Torrid. Sweaty. Carnal. But mix in a few key phrases — "to have and to hold" and "for richer or for poorer," — and most people seem to use a different set of adjectives: Satisfactory. Good. Nice. Married sex is like a bowl of lukewarm soup, you're told — it's okay, but it would be so much better if it were hotter. This is such a common perception that it has come to be accepted as truth: Get hitched and take the life out of your sex life.

As a husband and dedicated sex lover, I think it's time for us husbands who use the privacy of our marriages to explore, expand, and exult over our sexual lives with our spouses to stand up and be counted. So here we are — the quiet, smugly satisfied guys who are having hot, sultry, torrid sex (yes, with our wives!) Let us dispel the myths and misnomers about married sex — and share why we can't get enough of you.

1. We Can Release Our Inner Bad Boys

Marriage brings a level of trust that in turn sets the stage for all-around naughtiness — so we can finally do the things we've always been told we're not supposed to do.

"You can talk dirty — as dirty as you want — without worrying about her passing judgment. After all, you're married now! Any fantasy, any position, any fetish, any language is acceptable and welcomed as something that keeps your heart pumping the blood to you-know-where."

— Tim, 38, married nine years

"My wife knows that I'm a nice boy in public and a bad boy in the bedroom. That's what comes with being together for almost 10 years. She knows what I like, and I know what she likes. And the fact that I know that when I'm bad, it really gets her going — well, I can't explain how hard it gets me."

— Rick, 32, married six years

"Once, on a whim, we played pizza-delivery guy and hot, bothered housewife. We started out in hysterics, but once we got to the sex, it was the hottest we've ever had. Now I bring home pizza at least once a week."

— Doug, 36, married 10 years

2. We're on the Same Page

Some couples think that synchronizing their day planners to plan a tumble in bed takes away from the spontaneity of the act. But many husbands disagree, citing that the only thing needed to turn them into eager schoolboys is a glance at that to-do list during a boring work meeting: 9:45 P.M. Mutual body washing with wife in shower. 10:15 P.M. Exit shower. Foreplay begins en route to bedroom. 10:45 P.M. Page 58, Kama Sutra.

"We have a little code we put in our day planners that means, 'Tonight, this is what we're doing — plan on it,' and I see it every time I flip it open — in meetings, at lunch, whenever. And the excitement starts to build. I know I have to get ready, and I think about what we'll do, what I'll do, and how much fun it's going to be. It's like planning a secret rendezvous."

— Andy, 34, married eight years

"We plan our sex; with two kids — one is eight years old and the other is 12 — it's a necessity. We know when they'll be out, and we know we can do absolutely anything during that time — we can be as loud as we want and get as kinky as we want and not have to worry about it."

— Fred, 43, married 14 years

3. We Bliss Out on Baby-Making

As anyone who has tried knows, sometimes conceiving is a test of endurance, creativity, and more endurance, which forces us to stretch our imaginations — along with some new muscles. It also makes us fall in love with you all over again.

"We were working toward the day when she was ovulating, and it was like an athletic event where we had to have sex every day. We ended up trying every position we could think up, in every room, at every time of the day."

— Jim, 32, married six years

"You worry so much about birth control in the first few years of marriage that when the objective of sex is to make a baby, it's kind of liberating. You don't have that little bit of anxiety in the back of your head — it's sex the way sex was meant to be. And that makes it hotter."

— Mark, 40, married 10 years

"There's something beautiful about making another human being. These are some of the times when I've had great sex along with feeling closer than I've ever felt to my wife."

— Sean, 33, married six years

4. We Know Your Secrets

We know what you like and where you like it.

"We have this thing about strawberries. We like to 'use' them during sex in different ways. I'm talking way, way beyond the usual 9 1/2 Weeks stuff — I think we've taken it to another level. The best is when we're at a party and they're serving strawberries. I always catch her eye, and she knows exactly what I'm thinking — and I know exactly what she's thinking."

— Rick, 32, married six years

"Before we were married, we had to sneak around and find places to go to have sex because we were both living at home. Well, now the sneaking around is so much more exciting — in the park, in the car — and it's more fun because you're choosing to sneak rather than being forced to."

— Tim, 38, married nine years

"Our biggest secret is that we love to slip away at parties — the bigger the party, the better. We try to find a place that's relatively safe without losing the excitement of getting caught. It's always a quickie, and even if it's just some groping and squeezing, we're all over each other by the time we get home."

— Dave, 30, married five years

5. We Can Relax and Enjoy the Ride

As single guys, we've got a host of things to worry about — our past lovers and your past lovers and so on — on top of the usual performance issues. But wedded, bedded bliss means we get to relax in our own bodies and enjoy ourselves, finally.

"I'd say I'm more secure with myself now. I don't have to worry anymore about the whole 'size' issue or about the fact that I've got a bit of a gut now. I know she still gets turned on by me."

— Todd, 31, married four years

"There are no more worries about STDs, pregnancy — all that stuff — because now you're with someone you trust and love and really know."

— Jim, 32, married six years

"Now I know for sure that I'm going to get lucky. I don't have to worry about going out to bars, pick-up lines, all that crap. It's great to know that there's a half-naked woman sleeping next to you every night who'll usually say yes if you ask her nicely."

— Rick, 32, married six years

6. We Still Get a Thrill From Seducing You

People think that after marriage, seduction recedes back into the dark bars and dorm rooms of our youth. But so many wedded men say they still love the touches, looks, and gentle persuasions that make up the language of seduction. It's what keeps getting into bed new and exciting.

"Sometimes I set a goal to get her in the mood if she isn't. It's like I'm winning over the stresses of her day and all the things she has on her mind. In the end, she always admits to wanting it from the beginning."

— Greg, 34, married eight years

"She likes it when I try to seduce her. She knows it usually means that I want to try something new, and I know that gets her wet. Even though our 'I'm in the mood; you're in the mood' sex is still hot, this is better. And it's even better when she tries to seduce me."

— Mark, 40, married 10 years

7. We Love Being Indulged

"It makes me feel like I'm back in the dorm room trying to convince her that I really, really need it. But I try to do it in a way that doesn't seem like I'm desperate — getting her to undress for me in a certain way, or pose for me, or do something that she's never done before."

— Dave, 30, married five years

In those pre-marriage days, we racked ourselves with questions: Is she sighing because she's bored or satisfied? Why did she squirm like that? Did I make the earth move under her feet? But many husbands love that married sex gives them the chance to lie back and feel a few earthquakes of their own without constantly obsessing about her seismology in the process.

"Sometimes after I come, I fall asleep. But we have a rule that if one person falls asleep, the other person gets to come and then fall asleep the following night, no matter what. The rule works."

— Mark, 40, married 10 years

"Middle-of-the-night sex is the best. It's instinctive — you want to do it and you want to do it now. She loves it when I wake her up and just 'take her.'"

— Steve, 39, married 12 years

"I made up a game called Love Slave. Each of us takes turns giving the other very, very specific direction. It's all about your own pleasure, about letting go and concentrating on your body."

— Tim, 38, married nine years

8. We Love Indulging You

To know you can deliver the goods, to know you can take her — this is one of the uncelebrated pleasures of married sex. It's the thought that runs through every husband's mind after he's just brought his wife to a toe-curling climax: I'm the man.

"I love to feel that shudder go through her body every time I touch her in that one spot I know drives her crazy. I found that spot on our honeymoon, and I'll never forget where it is."

— Steve, 39, married 12 years

"She worships me — I'm the King of the Bed! She hadn't been with anyone else before me, so to her I'm the sexpert. And I love it when she asks me to teach her new things."

— Tom, 31, married four years

9. We Like Getting Closer — Every Which Way

The reason you get married is to be close to the one you love. Sex happens to be an integral part of this. Great, boundary-stretching sex gets you even closer to the one you love — both physically and emotionally. We know this is sappy, but we also know it's true.

"For the first time in my life, I don't envy my ex-quarterback friend. Now I'm the one who's getting some every night. But the difference is, it's with someone I really love, while he's still dating around. And not only that, I can also really talk to my wife afterward and not have to be self-conscious about what I'm saying."

— Dave, 30, married five years

"There's a closeness that's incomparable to any of my past relationships or one-nighters. When a new fantasy or position enters the equation, the excitement level goes up and the relationship goes to a higher level — there's a new bond between us. And our love gets stronger."

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