Fuck Cancer.

by themuseherself

It’s a terrible feeling when someone you love so much is hurting…and there isn’t FUCK ALL you can do about it. I know Mom is going to diet. We all do. But MOM doesn’t quite know that Mom is going to die…at least, until the doctor flat out told her yesterday. The pain in her chest is the cancer growing bigger and bigger. She needs to be on oxygen all the time. They are going to put her on morphine for “pain management”. These things pretty much signal the beginning of the end. I know this.

But I don’t think she did. Mom has Asperbergers. She has never really gotten the total meaning of what “terminal stage four cancer” truly means.

Now, she is just…gutted. Sad. Scared. Hopeless. Utterly panicked.

And even though I saw it coming, nothing prepares you for trying to help someone you love with all your heart come to terms with it. I can’t take the hurt away from her. I can’t take her pain away.

She says over and over again: “I’m not ready to go. I don’t want to leave yet.”

There is NOTHING I can do to help her situation, and this is quite literally killing me. I cry all the time. For her this time, as much as myself now.

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to face a birthday where no one remembers to send me a card. I don’t want her to suffer any more. I don’t want her to be in pain, or scared.

I want her to have peace, and she simply cannot.

Fuck cancer.

Share this:

Like this:

Related

One Comment to “Fuck Cancer.”

Such a rich post. Genuine, real… Evocative. But aside from the macabre mispelling in your second sentence (I apologize for the effect it had on me.), and knowing that my father is headed to where your mom is, and though he may not have Asperger’s, he’s in denial, which is maybe just as hard to watch, I get the taste of what you’re dealing with.

But there’s other stuff in there, stuff to me just screams out, and made this post even more powerful a one.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“I don’t want to face a birthday where no one remembers to send me a card.’

The crying for yourself as much as for her, and yet right back to not wanting her to be in pain or be scared.

You have a massive ending ahead of you. And with that, I see a huge part of your life concluding, you having to process everything, the grief, the sadness, the loss…but I also see this magnificent next stage of your life beginning. And I know that this might not be what you want to hear at a time when you’re still anticipating you losing your mom, but it really will be a re-birth. I see you shifting your path ‘three-and-a-half degrees south/south-west, and undergoing this simple, yet enormous transformation.

Complete this phase with your mom. Feel every fucking horrible moment. But know that nothing is without purpose (even if it’s not our place to know these purposes at the time; ‘We’re spiritual creatures having human experiences’) and that on the other side of all this is a whole new life, a brand-new existence…and an evolved version of you.