Thursday, September 30, 2004

This last two weeks has been a lesson in convergence. My whole life has been one grand designed convergence...the designers just forget to tell me what they were planning.
School has begun to take shape with projects, papers, reading and continued work on my thesis research.
Work is insane. I am putting together a major event and until two weeks ago, the event was close to failure. I also am preparing for the holidays and all of the craziness contained within.
I also am going to have a new roommate this Fall. My grandmother is moving in. I am little nervous about the stress that may be created by having to accommodate someone else. It is also going to be new experience for me because I don't know her as well as most people know their grandparents. It is definitely going to be an adjustment. It isn't all bad, I am looking forward to getting to know her.
And, then of course, there is also the coming and going of my fiance on weekends, visiting when he can.
I feel like my whole life is going on and on without me. It is passing by on a subway train and refuses to stop for me. Will it ever stop? Will I ever be able to stop and smell the roses once in a while?
I love going to school, but I must say I can't wait until it will be over. I can't cherish work, I can't cherish my everyday life, I can't cherish school. There is too much. Something needs to go and I will be glad when it is school. I think I will miss it. And, I know eventually I will go back for my Ph.D., but I can definitely wait.
I am impatient for May to come. School will be over. My love will be home. And, a new chapter in our lives will begin. We will be in the midst of planning our wedding.
I will weather the storm through the winter and spring. Then, when the summer arrives, everything will be fresh and new. I will have a new confidence, a new me.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Tonight, I died and went to heaven. My friend and I purchased tickets in March for tonight's Sting and Annie Lennox concert. I was so excited that today finally had come. We got through the gates and still had 30 minutes to spare. So, we stood around at one of the radio station tents, watching people answer trivia questions. Those who got the answer correct were able to pick one door out of three for prizes. The prize everyone was after was a pair of front row tickets for the concert.
"What is the name of the singing group that sings the theme song for "Friends?" The Rembrandts.
I held my hand, but the radio personality didn't see me. The guy that did answer the question went up to door 3 and won a mug with a t-shirt in it.
A couple of more questions went by and either I didn't know the answer or I wasn't seen. Then came the question...
"Which King of the Hill character had to pay back taxes on the trailer she abandoned at the Sunny Hill RV Park?"
Oh, oh, oh...it's LuAnne.
I raised my hand, then raised both. The radio guy started on the opposite side of the group. No one else had their hand up. At this point I was jumping up and down. Everyone is telling me to look my way.
Finally, he looks at me. "What's the answer?"
"LuAnne"
"That's right!"
I go up to the front. Everyone tells me to pick door 3. I open door 2 and in front of me is a woman holding two concert tickets in her hand!
"Wooooooo Hoooooooo!!"
"You won the front row tickets! What's your name?"
I can't believe it. I never win anything and this is big. I got the tickets and had my photo taken with the radio guy. Me holding the two tickets in my hand and he, planting a kiss on my cheek.
My friend was ecstatic. We couldn't believe it! I called my fiancee...I had to tell someone.
After talking on the phone, my friend and I made our way to our seats.
We were in the front with a full view of the stage. It was amazing! We could actually make eye contact with Annie Lennox or Sting. We could see that everyone was drinking Arrowhead water. We could clearly see them glistening with sweat. I could get used to seeing a concert this close. Annie Lennox took my breath away. Her voice was mesmerizing. I actually got a little teary-eyed. I am here...up front! Ahhhhh!
Sting was magnificent. The concert didn't end until 11pm. It was one of the best I had gone to. My friend and I hung out, waiting for the cars in the lot to clear. We both bought a little souvenir from this concert. We both agreed that it was one we would not forget.
Now, I am sitting at home trying to come down from the excitement. What a wonderful experience. I am still sitting on a cloud above the rest of the audience, soaking in the music. I am still cherishing the bluesy voice of Annie, the guitar picking of Dominic Miller and the enthusiasm of Sting. I don't want to come down just yet. So, if you will pardon me.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

There are so many things going on in my life. Often I conquer the difficult things and achieve my goals, but then find myself just barely standing up after my battles. I found that today was the perfect example.
I have been working hard as a leader on a big event at work. Everything has come to fruition this week and I feel like I have fought 12 rounds and now I am standing in the center of the ring with a light on me. My arms are up in the air and the audience is cheering my name. But, then I realize, in my horror, my legs are giving underneath my weight. I see out on the horizon that there are more boxers waiting in line to fight me. And, until I fight the last boxer in line, I can't leave the ring.
This is my life. My life lately feels like one fight after another. One task after another. I feel like each minute, each hour, each day, each week is just something to get over, to get past. I am feeling overwhelmed and it seems that no matter how many times I achieve something, it doesn't make up for the gigantic task that lies ahead.
Today the event was finally where I wanted it to be. I even got media attention and there were no press releases sent. It was wonderful. Then I faced the reality of school and all the I need to complete this year. Why did I decide to get my graduate degree?
So, now I face even more coming into my life. More changes, more challenges. Can I just pray for the new year to make my life easier? Is that right to do?
I know that I probably feel whiny, but really this is just an attempt to destress, to release. Maybe a blog can be therapy?
I guess we will have to see.

Monday, September 20, 2004

In the past week, I have had the opportunity to spend quality time with my car. I love my car, but this was not the kind of quality time I wanted to spend with it. I think I would much prefer driving down the highway with the radio turned up, my windows down and the roof open.
But my car has had some ailments of late. I had to nurse her back to her beautiful, peppy self with a little investment in services. First I got her some new shoes...tires. Lola was having some problems with her tires.
Then I took her to the chiropractor to get her aligned. She was a little out of adjustment. Poor baby. Then finally, I got her a pedicure (aka her rotors were turned).
Now she is running lovely. She will be getting an oil change next weekend and hopefully I will be able to take her to the spa where she can be cleaned.
I really am attached to my car. I was attached to my previous car as well, but Lola is different. She is the first car I bought on my own. She was a birthday present to myself three years ago. She has been wonderful ever since.
She is shiny silver. She reminds me of that rocket-like vehicle that they broke speed records with in the middle of the salt flats.
She has dark windows and four doors. She is so sleek, yet cute. I never thought I would ever be so enamored with my vehicle. But, I spend more time with her than any person. I spend time with her in traffic in the morning, traffic in the evening, errands on the weekend, trips to California, she goes everywhere with me.
My cat, Jona, loves her too. When Jona and I go on errands or trips together, Jona always cuddles up to Lola's back window and falls asleep.
What a great car. This is the ode to her...Lola...my beautiful car.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I always knew that friends were important. But, this weekend I learned how wonderful they can make you feel.
On Friday evening, as I drove home from work, I spoke to my best friend on the phone. I love her so very much. I especially love talking to her. I never laugh so hard than when we are together and being on the phone is the next best thing. We never cease to make each other crack up. Our brains are said to be one half of each other and I am really really beginning to believe this. She is truly my kindred spirit. And, I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I couldn't imagine my life without her. She understands me in a way that one else does. And, we're so wacky together. When I get married she will be my maid of honor, but what she doesn't know is that her title means much more. I have felt honored to know her. She is inspiring, fun, beautiful, and smart. I want to thank her for everything she has given me. Who else could I see "Otto Titsling" with...on a scaffolding at the Rose Bowl...with foreign people taping us?
Saturday afternoon was spent with a special lady who has inspired me to grasp every moment of every day. She is always smiling. I love talking to her about politics and life. She has an amazing story herself and I feel honored that she has shared it with me. We have become movie buddies. We also enjoy spending hours and hours talking at Sweet Tomatoes. Amazing what a salad bar can spark? I look forward to many many more Saturday afternoons spent with her. How many people do you know that have been on Oprah? That's how special she is...she touches lives. And, she has touched mine.
Saturday evening...I spent it with another friend. When he and I first met, we connected right away. There is nothing more wonderful than connecting with another human being. We can talk and talk and talk. We both love to travel and read. We enjoy life. Last night we stayed out until 1:30am, watching a french film and then hanging out at a trendy restaurant. He laughed with me, not at me, when I spilled a little bit of my overflowing cosmopolitan. He also made me feel good, when he said I looked good in glasses (I will have to work on agreeing with him). We ended the evening talking outside about our significant others while it sprinkled, cherishing the cool weather.
I feel so very lucky to have friends such as these. They bring so much to my life...kindness, appreciation, humor and love. Thank you to all of my friends. You have enhanced my life...you have made me who I am.
This post is dedicated to Theresa...Mazel Tov, sis!

Friday, September 17, 2004

Yesterday I experienced the horrible moment when you get a flat tire. I had never gotten one before and it is certainly something I don't want to go through again. I sat in my car with the engine running and the AC on, fighting the 100-degree heat outside. As I waited for roadside assistance to come, I thought about how there are a lot of flat tires that occur in life...not just the literal ones.
When you have a perfect interview and you posess every skill the employer is looking for. The interviewer even hints at hiring you. Then, you get a call two weeks later saying, "they found someone more qualified." Flat tire.
You walk across a room to talk to that one guy that catches your eye. He seems interested. He smiles, he buys you a drink, he even touches your shoulder with his hand. You give him your number and you never hear from again. Flat Tire.
You send your transcripts to 10, 20, 30 different magazines and publications. You're proud of your work and think it is the best you have ever done. After weeks of going out to the postal box, you finally get a response..." we cannot use your article at this time." Flat Tire.
As I contemplated all of the flat tires in life. A man from a house across the street came over to the car.
"Do you have a flat tire? My friends and I can change it for you."
The other two friends didn't speak very good English, they just smiled at me. I opened the trunk and they went to work. Once in a while they would disagree with one another on how to do something, but then they would agree on something and nod. Within a few minutes they had changed my tire. One man had the flat tire and went to put it in the trunk. He was afraid to put it in so dirty. So, he wiped down one side of the tire with his shirt. He dirtied his shirt for me...a total stranger. I was really moved at how they came and helped me. I said thank you and that was all they wanted.
"You're welcome. It was not a problem." All three smiled.
They then walked off and sat back on their patio. What a simple gesture. And, most people think we don't live in a world where people still help one another. It was a crappy day filled with flat tires, heat and unmet deadlines, but there was sunlight in the middle of all of it. I recognized that there was goodness still left in our society. There are people who still think of "community."
I learned a lot yesterday...I need to have faith and hope. And, I should never let flat tires get me down. They can always be changed out with a new tire.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

I always feel disconnected when my fiancee goes back to New Mexico. It is wonderful when he comes home. I can be near him, smell him, hear him and talk to him face to face. But, when he leaves, it is always the same. It never gets easier. It is always difficult. I have figured out it is because I am left with only half of who I am.
He completes who I am...he is truly my soulmate and my other half. Without him at home, I walk around with half of a brain, heart and soul. While going through a story about us in class this evening, this reality hit me. It doesn't take a genius to know this, but I'm slow sometimes.
As I sat in class, listening to people critique my piece, I could only think of him, my love. I wanted him there. I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me that everything would be alright. That he would be home sooner than I thought. I wanted him to hold my hand. I was missing him so very much. When asked questions that required an answer that involved him...I instantly glowed. Just the thought of him makes me smile, but then it turns me to an emotional wreck.
We put together our engagement announcements today. It was such a great feeling. Our wedding will be here before we know it. But, it is so nice that we have a year and three months or so to cherish it. We can taste every bit along the way and really hold this experience close to our hearts. I wouldn't want it any other way.
For him...honey, I love you more than I can ever tell you. You have brought joy and light into my life. Happy eighth anniversary! I am so glad we got to spend today together. And, thank you for the wonderful weekend. I look forward to so many more memorable weekends with you....like so many we have already shared. We are magic together. We are truly blessed. Thank you for being you.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Today was fairly brilliant. I got to work early. And, I was fantastically pleased with all I completed. I wrote, designed, phoned and worked the deals. I feel great. Plus, it helps to know that in less than 5 hours I will be with the one I love dearly.
I just wish I didn't have homework to do to dampen my mood. Thought I would write out my blog first and then do the homework...prolong the moment when misery will strike.
So, today at lunch with my two co-workers and friends, I began to wonder. Do men talk about the things we talk about? Do they talk about their significant others, sexual escapades and ex-lovers? Everytime I go out with my one particular friend, we always tend to steer our conversation toward sex. I love that we are comfortable enough around each other that we can talk about anything. But, I find it curious. Or, I should say it peaks my curiosity, if men talk about the same things.
I have had male friends in the past whom I was comfortable enough with that we could discuss such things. We would attempt to crack the code on why men and women don't understand one another. Or, at least try to explain the idiosyncrasies of each sex. Maybe we would be able to host our own television show. You know everyone would watch. We would be famous!
I know they say men think about sex all the time...or at least this is what scientists say. But, the problem is that men only think about the act, the actual act. Women, they think about everything leading up to that point. The act isn't even usually that important. So, how do you fuse those two together?
Many of us say we are frustrated by the opposite sex because they are so different. I say, it is the best part of being with someone...being so different. It provides twists and turns and the unexpected. How can couples stay together so long? Because they are intrigued by one another and they are willing to take the time to explore and discover one another.
How beautiful! I plan on making the one person I love the subject of my intrigue for many many years. He never ceases to amaze me. Life is wonderful!

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Tonight I had a realization that I am not a good writer. I am a mediocre writer who has been published in some things, but I am not what should be classified as a good writer. Before I alway thought I was good and needed a lot of honing and work in order to be excellent. But, after reading some of the stories written by fellow classmates, I came to the conclusion that I am out of my league.
I am petrified at the thought of my work being critiqued next week. I don't have the complexity that other people have in their writing. I think my will look too simple. Kind of like the country cousin in a room of sophisticated urban people. I knew that this class would be a humbling experience, but I guess I had not thought about how humbling it would be.
It is amazing how interaction with others can change your impression in one day. Yesterday I was beaming with pride over the story I had written. It was personal and beautiful. Simply stated. Now, I am beginning to think my simply stated is just plain simple.
Today was a momentous day...my parents are on their own. They have sold their house and they are now living on the road, traveling in their trailer. I find it so exciting and romantic. They can travel where they like. They can explore and have adventures. I hope that when I am ready to retire, I will be able to do that. They are promising postcards from every state. And, I am going to show them how to start their own blog so they can keep everyone abreast of their journeys.
Most wonderful of all today, I learned that my family will be trekking to my home this Christmas. After six years of traveling home to everyone else, I am now going to be hosting Christmas this year!
Also, it looks like my grandmother will be moving in with me in 2 weeks. This will be a great opportunity to get to know her and become closer.
So many things going on personally, professionally and scholastically. I hope I can make it through the end of the year.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

On my way home from class tonight, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about in my blog. Now, after eating dinner, editing my story for writing class and talking to the man who makes my knees feel like jello, I have forgotten.
So, tonight's entry will just be babble about my day's discovery. I discovered that some people are bound by their complaints and their common hold on negativity. These are people who never happy. And, they don't like to see other people happy.
I discovered that it can be a fulfilling experience to fill in the black boxes on a voting ballot.
I discovered that the barricades at the parking garage all run on different clocks. That 4pm on my clock is not pm on any of the entrances of the garage.
I discovered that my love's voice can make any anxiety and stress disappear. That his encouragement and kind words can make him seem close.
I discovered that class can be a great place to be when the discussion is stimulating.
I discovered that coming home after a long day is the most wonderful feeling in the world.
I discovered that writing about a special moment in your life can that make that moment more vivid than you ever believed and make you cry all over again.
Every day I feel blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. They have added only good things. They all make me feel special and appreciated. I discovered today that this can make all the difference in the world.
I have discovered...beyond all the tears I shed once in a while, the stress I undergo, and the anxiety I feel...I am deep down a happy girl who is loved! What a discovery!

Monday, September 06, 2004

Today was my last day of a long weekend. I didn't want it to end. I woke up late and then proceeded to go through my day as I had planned. Then, knowing that later would I would be going to the movies with my friend, I decided to try and make my hair look the way it did after I got my hair cut yesterday.
And, guess what...I did it! It looked lovely and curly. I had success with my hair. It generally has a mind of its own. Ahh, vanity. It is a wonderful thing at times, but it can be the end of people too.
In fact, after running my errands, I met my friend to see "Vanity Fair," a favorite book of mine that had been made into a film. The movie was beautiful. Such a great film to look at and watch. I was mesmerized. My spell was quickly broken whey my friend began to proclaim how boring it was and she hoped the book was better than the movie.
My heart was broken and my soul burned. How could she say something like that about a classic? Her attitude had already been slightly on the negative side when the movie started, but it was continuing and I felt extremely uncomfortable.
I didn't know if it was her attitude or her attack on a movie that I had quickly held to my heart like a fine book that struck me so hard. But I wanted to get away. Was this vanity? Was I looking for everyone else to love this movie as much as I did?
So, I left the movie theatre feeling anxious. I was upset by her lack of sensitivity. The stress of my return to work was hitting me as well. So, I looked for solace anywhere. I found it talking to a long-time friend, online. He was also feeling down. So, we talked everything out and found a better footing by the time we were done.
By the evening I was feeling much better. I had stress pounding in the back of my head, but I had it under control. I would take everything one item at a time, one day at a time. That was all could I do, right?
What had me feeling this way? Writing for my class about the day that my love proposed to me. It brought the true and genuine things back to me. The things that mattered came shooting at me like light. I am now content. I am only human. I have flaws and can only have so much under my control. Maybe sometimes it is vanity, but no one can be perfect.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

I finished all of my studying for school by this morning, so I decide to have a day out. A day where I could treat myself for getting a raise at work and for being disciplined this weekend.
I started my day by making myself some pancakes. Then proceeded to watch a movie and relax. After giving my precious dog a bath and then making myself presentable, I headed to the spa for a manicure and haircut.
With pink nails and a head full of bouncy curls, I headed to the mall. I was in search of the perfect gift for my man. I found it--perfection! It is to let him know how wonderful the last 8 years have been and how much I look forward to the years to come.
Being pleased with myself I proceeded down to my favorite shop and found a black suit pant set on sale. Again--perfection! With bags in hand, I decided to continue my day with a delicious dinner.
I could tell that my confidence and happiness were obvious. People were treating with a little more respect than usual. Their smiles helped boost the confidence I was radiating. I sat down and ordered a cosmopolitan. The sweet drink to my lips was heaven. The pink color is the pink in a perfect desert sunset.
For dinner I had a delicious steak and asparagus. The asparagus was shiny and green like grass. It was crisp and so tasty. I decided to have dessert--cheesecake and a glass of port. The cheesecake was the best I had ever tasted. I put my feet up on the seat across from me and moaned quietly to myself. The creamy texture was so soothing. Every bite went over my tongue and melted into my mouth like a fine white chocolate. With the port, the cheesecake had a slight cherry flavor. The sweet acidity of the port and the cheesecake just made both even better.
I left the restaurant feeling so satisfied with a day that I made my own, on my own. I got in my car and headed for home with my favorite french swing band, Paris Combo, playing on my radio.
I think I should have more days out.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

It was a beautiful day today. I went into work at 8:00 am--yes work on Saturday. I was able to drive in with my windows rolled down and the sunroof open wide. I played rock music loudly on the radio. I could have driven forever. Just before going into the office, I let the cool breeze blow into my face. It smelled so clean. Autumn would be here soon. She was letting me know.
After 5 hours at work, I left and it was still mild outside. Mild weather in Arizona at 1pm? Impossible! I drove home, once again, with the windows down and the radio blaring. I loved the wind blowing through the window. It made the sleeves on my t-shirt flutter against my skin like butterfly wings might. The warm sun seemed to make a smile grow on my face. "Come out, smile. Enjoy the day."
The scent outside was wonderful. It had rained earlier. My nose was happy too. There are no scents like those of the desert after rain.
Later I went to the movies with a friend and when I came home, walked my dog. The walk was just another reason to grasp this beautiful day. I wanted to soak it all in before it went away. After 110 degrees all week, this was a treat.
Dinner came and went. I began to watch TV and attempt to read for school. I am reading the work of other writers in my class. I read through two and then the third hit me. It drew me in. It was beautiful. If only I could write with such description. I felt like I was there experiencing what he was experiencing. How delicious!
Now, I only wait for my love to call and it will be the perfect ending to a most beautiful day. Look for beauty all around you every day. Enjoy!

Friday, September 03, 2004

Today was Friday, but seriously, it never felt like it. Works was crazy. And, guess what? I am going in tomorrow. I have a lot of projects to juggle. It is times like this when I wonder what I was thinking when I decided to go back to school.
I have schoolwork to do this weekend too. I have figured out that when school is in session...I don't get to decide what to do with my time. I think it is giving me a glimpse at how my time will be arranged when I have children.
Yesterday I had such a wonderful conversation with my best friend yesterday. She made it feel like it was Friday. It is funny because we don't talk ALL the time, but when we do, it is like we have had an infinitely long conversation that just keeps continuing. She always makes me laugh. She is one of the people who have really made my life wonderful. So much love radiates from her. Seeing her smile, makes me smile. I can't help it. We always joke that we share a brain. Maybe we do? We can finish one another's sentences and read each other's minds. i wish she lived closer. We would probably drive my fiance crazy because we would be together so much. But, it would be terrific! We always thought we would live together right out of college. We wanted to cover one of our walls with all of the ticket stubs from the movies we had seen. We started collecting them in the 8th grade.
How do we find people who connect with us so well? We call each other "kindred spirits." It was like God brought us together.
Since I have work tomorrow, I have only planned a Friday evening filled with studying and hanging out at home. It almost seems like a slap in the face of Friday, but what else can I do? Saturday will be my Friday instead. With the three day weekend, it shouldn't be too hard to trick my brain.
So, i dedicate this not-so-Friday Friday entry to my kindred spirit, best friend, sister...and maid of honor.
p.s. Ever want to feel really happy...try listening to The Beatles' Yellow Submarine album. "1 2 3 4, can I have a little more. A B C D, can i bring my friend to tea." They have got to be the most brilliant band ever created. I love you, George Harrison!

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Today is the first day of my blog. I decided that a blog would be a wonderful way for me to make myself write. And, I expect to have a lot to write about. This is my final year of graduate school and the person I have been sharing my life with for the past eight years is living in another state temporarily for work. I have never been alone...I mean really alone before. I have always had people I love and know around me. I never knew it would be so difficult to take care of a home and do the rest of my things in my life all by myself. I have always considered myself independent, but now I am starting to reconsider whether I really am. My life on my own has been interesting so far. Last week my friend and I went to see Chris Isaak. What an amazing performer! I have never seen a grown man wear a suit made of mirrors. He made it work! After the concert, I got a taste of what it would be like if I was single again. We went to a club in a ritzy part of town. I had to dress up and wear heels. Yuck! Besides feeling uncomfortable and having some painful feet, the dancing was great. However, I have never had my butt touched by so many men in such a short amount of time. Now I know how dogs and cats feel when strangers constantly pet them. Ugh! So, the Labor Day weekend is looming and I am working on filling in every amount of time I can with school work and social activities. I determined to make myself feel okay with being on my own. I am determined to show everyone I love to be by myself. I know this is perposterous considering I am engaged and have been with the same man for so long, but isn't this something we, as women, are supposed to prove to ourselves. We are strong, independent and never needy of anyone! We only need our shoes, chocolate, walk-in closets and clothes that make us thin? That just isn't me...I need my music, a hug from the one I love, a smile from a friend and books...tons and tons of books! This will be an interesting journey. I will look forward to writing in here everyday. Enjoy reading! I will enjoy writing!