On trust and bitten nails (or What a lifelong nail biter learned about letting go)

I’m sure my folks tried to encourage me to stop with talk of the pretty nails I would have if I just let them be so they could grow. I’m sure they taught me about better things I could do to keep my hands busy, or maybe my mama painted my nails with polish so they’d look pretty like hers.

They might have even told me to clap my hands when I felt like biting them, so I could make music instead of nail nubbins, as I’ve encouraged the newly biting Lala.

I do remember walking around the store as a young girl, focused on trying to bite around the bitter-tasting stuff that went on like polish and coated my nails so I’d stop the habit. After a few weeks, that yellowish coating disappeared, and I remained undeterred.

It’s hard to know if I enjoyed biting my nails back then. I tend to think it was a response to the intense people-pleasing and worry that traveled with me through my young life. And into my adult life.

The anxiety gnawed, and so I did, too.

The years passed, and I kept at those poor little nails (though a preoccupation with jagged and uneven cuticles certainly worked their way into the mix). Over time, it became much more subconscious, and I often didn’t realize I’d been biting until I looked down to assess the damage — hands peeling, nails breaking off at the slightest provocation.

Over the years, I’ve encouraged the girls and Michael to hold me accountable, calling out a simple, but firm, “Stop biting your nails!”

(I kept biting, just usually not when they were watching.)

This year, I decided again that I would quit, fully expecting that I might not, but allowing myself to hope. Just as I no longer let People Pleaser or Anxious One define me, I wondered if I could let go of this simple thing — a stronghold just the same.

January and February were a little spotty, and I doubted. By March, when I felt the urge to bite, I more often paused and pushed back cuticles instead. I was beginning to make some progress, though I wondered if I’d be mindful enough in my day to day life to fully break the habit.

By April, in the midst of a full schedule and lots of life pressure, I realized I needed more to help me with the anxious nibbling as my stress response was returning there without even thinking.

So when hands started to rise to mouth, I purposed to utter a little prayer instead. The simple prayer I’ve been uttering as a mantra when life weighs heavily since I chose trust as my word of the year: “I trust you, God. I trust you.”

A prayer of deep place surrender, really, but perhaps nothing, not even a nail, is too small for God’s keeping.

Instead of clenching hands in moments of worry and chewing these taut fingers, I’ve started lifting palms to the One who holds me and these anxieties, remembering that the good so often comes not in gripping harder, but in letting go.

And over these last months, I’ve begun taking joy in seeing the evidence of old ways continuing to fall away and these nails — growing.

It may be hard for lots of you to relate to this whole nail biting thing, but nail biter or not…could it be that trust might be part of your own journey — letting go to receive that which is better and desires to grow?

Love the simple prayer. I’m dealing with an adult tooth that didn’t come down when it should have and doesn’t really want to now (yep in my 30s!). It’s been a frustrating journey and I have to keep telling myself, “God cares. He will work this out. Trust Him!” Every time I run my tongue over my teeth I have to take a deep breath and release the worry. I think I’m going to use that little mantra too. :D

Sarah, I can absolutely imagine how frustrating that seemingly small thing would be. Seems particularly hard to deal with those idiosyncrasies of our own bodies because we are reminded of them so often, living in our skin with them as we do. I am praying for you now — that you’d continue to turn the frustration to breath — in and out — and that you would experience through this fresh trust in God who, as you say, does care!

Oh you opened my eyes to the nail biters story – so many in my family – and often I wonder why they continue long into adulthood. Now I see the connection and reaction and the self protection. Love that you have opened up your hands, let go of the things that gnaw and told God you trust him. What peace he provides. That is a sweet story of his faithful care for us. Thank you Ashley for the encouragement!
Hugs,
Kelly

Kelly, it makes me so glad that this would give you new insight into a loved one. I hadn’t quite realized the connection to self protection per se, until you said it. I am rejoicing with you for God’s peace and faithful care…even in the small, seemingly unimportant things of life. Thank you for your encouragement back to me. I so appreciate your presence.

Oh dear Ashley, I haven’t been keeping up with anybody’s writings lately but today I happened to open yours. I love your transparency. Guess what ? I’m almost 78, and I’m still following that route of discontent with you guessed it! I’m going to try your idea. It really is the best idea for life in general isn’t it?

Dear Ashley
You are such a joy!! I think we all have our little nasty habits that we want to get rid of. But as you know, left on our own, it is a useless battle. I am joining you in trusting Pappa to let go of two of my own little habits that I don’t want to have and I undertake to encourage you along the way! Please, keep me accountable as well.
Much love, dear sister friend.
Mia

A hair twirler, eh? Very interesting, Duane. :-) Yes, I’ve been amazed to see how many of the small, seemingly insignificant day to day struggles in my life have been helped by breathing in fresh trust.

So beautiful. And I can and do relate. I have been twisted up in anxiety it all comes out somewhere. So I rejoice with you that you are on the path to healing. This letting go is hard, but the reward will be so profound. There is just no small thing with HIM. Love your honest little heart, my friend.

Yes, all that twisted up anxiety does come out somewhere. So many letting-go’s over and over again for us knit like we are, but it is so good to be reminded of God’s faithfulness in all things. Love you, Elizabeth.

Awe inspiring. I never realized we have so many little things about us in common. I am also a anxious people pleaser but I bite my lip. Thank you so much for this, it will help me on my journey too. :-*

So happy to see you here, my cousin. I am praying for you on your journey of letting go of that anxious people pleasing lip biting. It’s an ongoing challenge, but be kind to yourself as you learn new ways and let go just a little bit at a time. I love you.

I wasn’t a nail BITER, but when life gets crazy, I’ve always had to resist the nail PICKER in me. I too have known God’s grace over my ten fingers (and ten toes too ;) And yes, ultimately it is about surrendering worry and trusting Him whose hands hold everything. Thanks for this!

Oh, Ashley, you know that my word is the year is also trust. God just used your post and another post on IP about monkey bars, (which I never did master), and the necessity of letting go in mastering them, to show me that I’m not letting go, I’m clutching tightly, therefore I’m not really trusting. Thank you, friend, for being used by Him to speak to me.

I’m soo proud of you Ashley! My mom has struggled with that habit her whole life as well. We each need to remember to utter that phrase under stress no matter how it manifests itself in us: “I trust you, God!”

I was a nail-biter too Ash….did I never tell you that? I didn’t know to pray the little prayer of trust back then. Wish I’d had you back then – your wisdom, your unique way of seeing things, your encouraging words & example. I’d have been a better mom if I’d been able to follow in my daughter’s footsteps. :) Love you sweetie and am mighty proud of you, for hundred and hundreds of reasons, big and “little” !

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