Monthly Archives: March 2014

How strange it was to find the old writings I have. So much still holds true. Strange to read my old way of looking at the worst to come. It still felt like if I slipped my foot in the pant-leg, the whole thing would fit. It scared me. Scared me real good.

I was able to really take that out, and EXAMINE it. It touched me some, but I decided it isn’t the right way for me to abruptly turn after so much in my life, prior to this and him, fit perfectly. I don’t want to change that or rekindle old negative shit.

Some things should take time, be examined, then jumped into…or not.

I CAN breathe. I can continue playing with Universe and not fear my own back-step.

I can immerse myself in the beautiful mess of my life and trust myself, my path, my ability.

Like this:

I knew that I had saved this, I was just sure that it was lost in the storage unit burglary since I haven’t seen it. I just decided to go through an old photo album and there it was, in the very back with something I wrote about “us” when I was trying to get beyond what we went through in 2006.

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Life might be short, but I am glad that we are going slow. For us, anything beyond “Hello” is slow.

The first time we dated, he was taking me home after the first date. He looked at me and said, ” I really want to turn my truck around and take you home with me.” I looked at him and asked, “Well, why aren’t you?” We were together till the day I went to Alaska. I instantly moved in with him. I instantly fell in love with him. I instantly wished I had my child with him. I instantly wanted the brass ring and everything promised in fairy tales.

I have never in my life have loved anyone like I love him. Never in my life, have I ever felt so loved by anyone like I felt from him. Even through all of my insecurities and heartaches back then, he would look at me with such a soft, moist and loving look, it used to scare the shit out of me.

He told me the reason he is scared shitless, is because once we were intimate, we were inseparable. He’s right. He never left my side. He was emotionally confused by all of the manifestations of my life trauma, but he never left my side, and I had never seen that because I felt so emotionally abandoned by him. It is dawning on me how intensely he will love me again and I am glad we haven’t just fallen into bed. We started in 2000, in bed. We reconnected again in 2002 in bed, we were an “affair” in 2005/2006. He was the one with someone else, and I didn’t give a fuck. I wanted what I let go and KNEW was supposed to be “mine”. I’ve never called us an affair before, but I bet that is exactly how she saw it. I know his daughter saw it that way, she called me at work and told me to “stay the fuck away from her family!” I was devastated because I loved her as much as I could love someone else who wasn’t my daughter. In my fantasy…she was happy for us.

There is a lot of water under our bridge and for the first time, we have talked about things. I had a lot of shit going on then and was an open wound. Seeing as much, he loved me anyway, and tried to keep his shit that he was going through, to himself. I believe he was protecting me, as well as being private about his own struggles.

I guess only animals come close to how we slept.

I have always loved him, and will always love him. I am sure, he is the love of my life. We have talked about being together again, wondering if we will be as good? (and knowing instinctively, yes!) The funny thing is, we actually have decided that the first time we sleep together again, we are not going to sex one another. We both have the desire to cuddle, like we used to. We would sleep together like Velcro. I would throw my leg over his body, he would wrap an arm around my leg and we were one. “Leg-up baby!”

He told me the other night he would listen to our breathing sync up, then sometimes fall out of sync. I would listen to that, and his heart, because my head was always on his chest.

He did answer my soul question. He was referring to the music/lyric I was sharing with him which translates the person I am inside. He still touches me in places no one else has ever reached.

Life just got a little sweeter. I’m scared, because you need to look before you leap, still waters run deep…but this is worth leaping and trusting the net will appear.

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I feel like the wall fell a few years ago, but there was still some shit lying around. Perhaps it fell when I went so deep and far into that rabbit hole, but the clean up has been slow and halting.

Now, I feel bricks and things falling around me. As this happens, I have that familiar feeling of falling veils again.

How will I ever explain this without sounding like a nut?

He said to me that “You keep reminding me of your soul.”

He does not know the impact that statement had on me. He does not know the connections I have made with my soul and how beautiful I find that connection to the human part of my soul or your soul…or HIS soul.

I sent him a picture and text saying I was just checking in, thinking of him and I hope he is well, (He just had a sudden death of a close friend and was processing it, I was trying to let him do that and let him know I was also there if he needed anything.) It’s an old picture, almost taken after he and I split. I took it with a crappy old webcam in a poorly lit area, and yet I love the picture. I was shooting for the old brown and white style graduation pics of my mother’s generation where the “girls” were bare shouldered and usually had “touch-up pink lips”.

A few hours later, he responded saying “That picture it worth 2000 words…made me cry. You’re beautiful.” During our text, I had sent him a link to A Beautiful Mess video (Live in Chicago), we were talking emotion, and he mentioned my soul. He mentioned to me he was melting a little. I, on the other hand was like a totally melted pot of sweet honey filled beeswax.

How can I still be so totally bonded to him in this way fourteen years later? This would be why, each relationship since him, made me miss him all the more, and when breaking up with others, I would completely re-mourn the loss of us.

This IS, the person for me.

This IS the one I’ve been waiting for.

This IS the one who makes the human part of my soul feel like the other half has come home.

This IS part of the experience that brings down residual shit, and veils fall again.

This is indeed, a beautiful mess and I am grateful to have had the last 2 years and three months.

Like this:

I’m the woman who is happy playing with beeswax for eight hours of my day, five days a week.

It’s kind of strange, my life is so much simpler now and I am so much happier. I don’t put the same pressures on myself that I have done for so long. I don’t expect myself to be perfect, because I accept that I am perfect, as I am at all times. That is not ego or narcissism speaking…more just acceptance that creation, is perfect.

I am a creation, you have to give me that.

I’ve staggered and felt held (down) back on my path, but I never was tempted to leave it and run in a more immediately gratifying direction, just to be moving. Wouldn’t you know it? I woke up one day and that high, is back. I have not entered into that state of extacy (a friend calls it, Grace), but I can not stop weeping at beauty and love.

I want to hang onto this, and drink this in. I want to stay in the here and now with this, and I want to share it, and that is one of the hardest things to do. Even my New York daughter admitted to me when I first went crazy, that she too thought I had flipped my lid and finally gone over the edge into bat-shit nutty.

I process several hundred candles a day. It gives me a lot of time to think and listen to music. As I process my candles, I don’t allow myself to think negative thoughts. There is something about working with the beeswax, touching it, smelling it in it’s pure least processed form, that does something to me.

Some days. like today…it is hard to not sit there and weep as I process and listen to my music. The last three days I have been listening to Jason Mraz. I just tossed six of his discs onto my phone and I have been in love song heaven, reflecting on the last fourteen years of my life.

My reflections have not been the dwelling in the past type, but the recognition of how far from damaged I have come. I can look at my “failures, mistakes and flaws” with compassion, love and understanding of myself. This is something I was never able to do before.

In talking to him, whose name is sacred on my lips…I have seen so much of myself from back then in ways I just wasn’t able to see then. It has hurt my heart to comprehend that not only did I hurt the one person I have ever really been MADLY in love with, but he was MADLY in love with me when I did it. This makes me want to cry for us both, but we are talking again. I admitted I had two things on my bucket list. 1) getting published and 2) Making things right with him. He replied to me that things are right between us.

I have admitted that “part of me” never stopped loving him. It seemed like a “kinder blow” than telling him I have remained in love with him all these years and not a day has passed that I haven’t longed for him in some way. I admitted I am a little scared, but haven’t spilled the WHY I am scared. He came back and admitted that it took him a lot to get over us and move on (crushing blow to the belief he had fallen out of love with me already) and that he would be a “liar, liar pants on fire”, if he didn’t admit he is scared shitless.

So we both have feelings and I imagine if I am dealing with the love thing, he is at least contemplating the “what if” of it all.

And so I weep again because in my heart of hearts, I believe it to be true, that here we are, we played in the dirt, and I am hoping beyond hope that it will have been worth the wait.