The Donahues Episode 57

Ethan and Kimberly begin to tighten their belts as they run into financial troubles, it pisses Ethan off when Rob does not say thank you for any of Ethan’s favors and Jacob and Ross make a terrible mistake

Submitted:Dec 13, 2012
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THE DONAHUES

"LITTLE WORDS"

TV-MA LV

"Fiscal obliteration resounds inside of thee. Transubstantiation,
your wealth relies on me...thanks for the thanks, but no thanks.
Gratitude should be sincere"

Adam Parker

(We start with Troy sitting behind a desk in a room with a gavel
and Alex, Ted and Mr. Daniels siting in seats in front of him. He
bangs the gavel)

TROY: This meeting of the Chittenden County Drug Pushers
Association will come to order. As you guys know, a week and a
half ago Isaac, our leader was arrested for drug dealing charges.
Since he does it across state lines, he got arrested by the big
boys upstairs.

TED: God?

TROY: I said big boys.

TED: God and his angels then?

TROY: The Drug Enforcement Administration, Theodore. In his
absence, I am considered ring leader pro tempore of this group.
Any questions?

ALEX: Yes. What is my fate now that Isaac has been arrested?

TROY: Well Alex, we admitted you into this association to bring
peace to the rivalry that existed between Isaac and you, but
you're still fine. Speaking of Isaac, in honor of him and in
honor of the second day of Hanukkah, I will light a second joint
on our weed menorah. (Troy takes out a menorah with eight joints
in it, with one already lit, and he lights the second one) Now,
let's use the ceremonial rolling paper. (Troy takes out an
ancient copy of the torah and rolls it out, then places an
inordinate amount of weed in the middle) Now, we shall hum songs
of the Jews as we smoke the-

MR. DANIELS: I'm pretty sure this is sacrilegious.

TED: Troy, there's an issue I'd like to bring up.

TROY: Yes better off Ted?

(He smiles)

TED: Wow, bad, anyway, we recently lost a major customer named
Ryan Donahue and if we don't ramp up business in other areas, we
could take a big hit.

TROY: Don't just say what our problems are, let's have
SOLUTIONS!

TED; I was just getting to that, I think the best course of
action is to take a major customer like Jacob and get him hooked
on something that'll keep him coming back for more. Even better
than weed.

ALEX: Jacob's my customer, I know him and he wouldn't go beyond
weed.

TED: Oh, he would. If he didn't realize he was going beyond weed.
I'm suggesting we sprinkle a little coke in Jacob's weed. He'll
enjoy it and keep coming back for more as we get him hooked on
the stuff. Suddenly, the money flows in. Plus, his little friend
Ross recently became a stoner, so, the more hooked, the merrier.

TROY: I like the initiative, Ted! Keep that kind of thinking up
and you'll be employee of the month!

TROY: Then get the fuck out. And if you tell Jacob or Ross about
our plans, we'll light you on fire.

ALEX: …Fine. I'll take my business elsewhere.

(Alex gets up and leaves. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly pouring over
their finances on their laptops in their dining room. They are
wearing glasses and sun visors)

ETHAN: Ugh, maybe it's a good thing Cecelia quit.

KIMBERLY: Doesn't Mary still work for us?

ETHAN: Yeah, but that's because Vermont isn't a right-to-work
state! We should follow Michigan's example so we can get rid of
the greedy union thugs and their incessant demands for
compensation and healthcare and less than 120 hours a week-

KIMBERLY: Are you done? Our maids aren't unionized.

ETHAN: All I'm saying is that unions are like the mafia, and
Michigan gave them an offer they couldn't refuse.

KIMBERLY: They DID refuse it. They stormed the state capitol and
punched a FOX News reporter when it was passed.

ETHAN: (Mock Italian accent) "Hey, I'm Jimmy Hoffa and you gonna
be swimmin' with the fishes!"

KIMBERLY: She never was, also, she's not here, she only comes on
Thursdays.

ETHAN: In that case, MARY, GET ME A COFFEE!

KIMBERLY: How is that-ugh, never mind, anyway, we have to figure
out our expenses here.

ETHAN: Well, we've done the first step. We're wearing glasses,
looking at laptops while wearing sun visors. I'm not sure where
we go from here.

KIMBERLY: Why don't we examine our income? Alright? Our only
source of income is derived from your Coast Guard job.

ETHAN: Yes.

KIMBERLY: And in that capacity you make 16,000 dollars a year.

ETHAN: …Yeah.

KIMBERLY: Fuck. Ethan, it costs us 25,300 dollars to take care of
Ryan and Jacob this year alone! Not to mention Madeline in
college and the crazy kid living in Ryan's closet!

ETHAN: PLUS ROB!

KIMBERLY: Yeah…all of that adds up to…carry the two…carry the
one…carry the John Kerry…

ETHAN: How many things are you carrying?

KIMBERLY: 152,793 dollars! That leaves us with a deficit of
136,793 dollars, Ethan! We need to tighten our belts like we're
David Carradine.

ETHAN: Wow, dark joke.

KIMBERLY: Any expenses we can just get rid of?

ETHAN: How about dog food for Chinaberry?

(Pan to Chinaberry sitting there panting, looking happy)

KIMBERLY: You know, the reactions of dogs to negative comments
said about them in commercials is way different in reality.

ETHAN: Yeah, usually they'd act cutely concerned.

KIMBERLY: I guess they just don't speak English. Chinaberry,
we're going to set you and your entire family on fire.

(Chinaberry just stands there, smiling)

ETHAN: Nope, just a pig-in-shit smile.

KIMBERLY: Well, we've got to figure this shit out. First of all,
you need to get a new job.

ETHAN: I think that's best.

KIMBERLY: Yeah. Any leads?

ETHAN: Like, on a new job?

KIMBERLY: Yes.

ETHAN: You mean since you suggested I get a new job ten seconds
ago?

KIMBERLY: Yeah, we gotta get movin' here, Donahue!

ETHAN: I'll look for one.

KIMBERLY: Good. Next order of business, what to do with Logan?

ETHAN: We can arrange for his escape after the trial. Until then,
we have to put him up. It's a bullshit situation, but if you
break it, you buy it.

KIMBERLY: We broke Logan?

ETHAN: We're broke with Logan.

KIMBERLY: What about the fact that our expenses exceed our
income?

ETHAN: Well that can be remedied by Obama's debt ceiling tax and
spend policies-

KIMBERLY: Don't turn this into a political argument just because
the Government spends more than it takes in please, that's
irrelevant.

ETHAN: I don't know how to do anything else!

KIMBERLY: Well, we don't have a China to borrow money from, okay?
We need to make savings in key departments. First off, we'll cut
spending on luxuries. Going out to dinner, staying in for dinner,
going out to movies, we'll sever the payments we make to all
those random TV websites that our kids use.

ETHAN: I think there's like twelve of them.

KIMBERLY: We'll use less water, we'll refrain from heating the
house too much.

ETHAN: It's forty degrees outside!

KIMBERLY: Fine, we'll use air conditioning less.

ETHAN: That doesn't solve the problem.

KIMBERLY: Fine! Just gather around the fireplace and do all your
business there. You have to work on the laptop? Fireplace. Need
to half-heartedly comfort a crying Ryan? Fireplace. Need to work
on your lay-ups? Fireplace.

ETHAN: We can't live around the fireplace, Kimmy.

KIMBERLY: We can if it means we don't have to sell Jacob's bike
for parts.

ETHAN: Why don't we do that?

KIMBERLY: Because I threw it in the fireplace!

ETHAN: Wha-why?

KIMBERLY: NEXT ISSUE! Tissues.

ETHAN: What?

(Kimberly takes out a box of tissues with a used one jammed in
it)

KIMBERLY: Who put the tissue BACK in the tissue box?

ETHAN: How is that relevant to finances?

KIMBERLY: It's gross! Plus we can't reuse tissues.

ETHAN: Theoretically speaking, it would help our finances if we
reused tissues.

KIMBERLY: Wow, did you convert to Judaism?

ETHAN: You're the one who said we need to cut down on staying in
for dinner!

ETHAN: Well, Ryan said he wants the stuff that lines the walls of
recording studios so his band can record songs.

KIMBERLY: So he wants Styrofoam?

ETHAN: Are you sure it's Styrofoam? I thought they used bubble
wrap.

KIMBERLY: Bubble wrap's cheaper, I say hell yes.

ETHAN: Would that work though?

KIMBERLY: Okay, Senator McConnell, filibustering your own idea,
don't you realize that we need to make savings here? This is a
terrible time of year to have financial problems; we need to get
the cheapest things possible. Now, what does Jacob want?

ETHAN: I think he wants Katniss Everdeen and the Prisoner of
Forks, Washington.

KIMBERLY: It's too bad there's such a dearth of retarded
mainstream literature right now. We'll get him something though.

ETHAN: He also mentioned he wants a gun.

KIMBERLY: …Excuse me?

(Cut to Jacob at an indoor shooting range holding a gun while
wearing goggles and ear muffs, shooting at targets while General
DePinto stands behind him. Jacob shoots a cardboard cut-out of a
young Paul McCartney, then he shoots a cardboard cut-out of James
Brady and then cardboard cut-outs of Bob Costas and Tim McIlrath
from Rise Against. He then takes off his ear muffs and puts the
gun down)

JACOB: WOO!

GENERAL DEPINTO: Good job, kid. You got gun moxy.

JACOB: Thanks. Why did they happen to have all these cardboard
cut-outs here by the way?

GENERAL DEPINTO: You kiddin' me? They have a cardboard cut-out of
every public figure whose ever said anything bad about guns.
Especially those trigger unhappy scoundrels Bob Costas, Rise
Against and James Brady.

JACOB: Yeah, why does James Brady have a chip on his shoulder
about guns?

GENERAL DEPINTO: Actually, the chip's on his primary motor
cortex, but still, he should stick to improv.

JACOB: Oh, well, um, actually, I was going to hang out with some
friends and then go home.

GENERAL DEPINTO: Oh. Well okay, that's fine, uh, have fun.

JACOB: Thanks, I will. See you later, Noah.

(Jacob shakes Noah's hand and then walks out of the shooting
range. Cut to Troy and Ted in the meeting room)

TROY: Okay, I've received Intel that suggests Ross and Jacob will
be weeding up tonight. It's your job to tip off Ross about where
to get the coke-laced weed. Meanwhile, I will deliver this-(Pan
to a table with a gram of weed on it) gram of weed to Ross and
Jacob. Pretty soon they'll be lining up outside the iCoke store
every time a new tablet's released, so they can then snort coke
off of it.

TED: Perfect.

(Alex walks in)

ALEX: Hey.

TROY: The fuck are you doing here?

ALEX: I just forgot my backpack, sorry.

TROY: Yeah, be sorry. Leaving shit is for messy dealers.

ALEX: Sorry.

(Alex grabs his book bag and leaves as the camera pans back over
to Troy and Ted)

TROY: So Ted, remember our chant!

TED AND TROY: Isaac's out and now we're in! Selling drugs to a
thousand men! Hook them until they die and we hook their next of
kin! No remorse, we're businessmen!

(They high-five and run out of the room. Cut to Ross driving his
car with Jacob in the passenger seat)

JACOB: Okay, I received tips upon tips of an avid dealer in this
WAL-MART parking lot.

ROSS: Hopefully he has low, low everyday prices.

(Ross parks the car and the two get out of the car and close the
doors behind them and they stand in the middle of the parking
lot)

JACOB: Isn't it weird that those people in the State Farm
commercials always ask for things that have nothing to do with
insurance-(Pan to reveal Troy standing there) AH! Hi. Are you
Troy?

TROY: What's it to you?

ROSS: You're standing in front of us, staring at us.

TROY: Yeah I'm Troy, what of it?

JACOB: We need some grass, nigga!

TROY: Alright, let's exchange this illegal substance in the least
obvious way possible.

(Troy and Jacob slap their hands together and do a bro hug,
exchanging the gram through their hands. They then leave the bro
hug and Jacob has the weed)

JACOB: That practice is impenetrable.

ROSS: I didn't notice anything.

TROY: Alright, you two enjoy yourselves. If you ever need more
shit, call my number.

ROSS: Alright. See you guys!

JACOB: There's only one guy.

(Ross and Jacob walk away, as does Troy. Cut to Rob getting in
his car listening to his iPod)

ROB: (Singing) For the neighbors and their kids. We can rip apart
those socialists and all their damn taxes! (Stops singing) HA!
Take that liberal controlled music industry! I love Passion Pit.
I guess. (He puts the key in the ignition, but the car doesn't
start) What the hell? (He tries again. Cut to Kimberly and Ethan
in Ryan's room, taking inventory on everything. Ethan is on his
knees in the closet while Kimberly stands behind him with a
clipboard, pen and glasses. Ethan pulls out a pile of old hair
straighteners)

ETHAN: Here, we seem to have a pile of overheated hair
straighteners. A lot of them are still warm, how is that even
possible?

KIMBERLY: Sell them all.

(Ethan puts them in a pile. Ethan pulls out a severely burned
pink journal)

KIMBERLY: We'll let him burn the rest of it when he gets home
from school.

(Ethan puts in the same pile as the hair straighteners. Rob comes
in)

ROB: Hey, I have an appointment to go to, but my car isn't
starting even though I filled it up yesterday. I need my car for
a job interview in the morning, can I take your car to the
appointment and can you take my car to the repair shop so I can
have it in the morning?

KIMBERLY: No, but Ethan can.

ROB: For really truly?

ETHAN: (Sigh) Fine.

ROB: Okay, just be sure to take it in right now and I'll be
going. Kimmy?

(Kimberly throws Rob the keys)

ROB: Alright, bye!

(Rob leaves)

ETHAN: You're welcome…

KIMBERLY: He'll say thank you after you do it, that's just how he
is.

ETHAN: Fine. In the meantime you can read the hilarious dreams
that Ryan abandoned in his dream journal.

KIMBERLY: Please don't call our son's dreams "hilarious".

ETHAN: They should be published in a joke book!

(Cut to Ethan at the car repair place talking to a homely lesbian
auto mechanic)

LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: The battery cables appear to be loose, so
we're going to have to fix that right up.

ETHAN: Yeah, you're probably just making all those terms up to
rob me of my cash money! I see right through your good looks (She
displays a confused countenance) and charm to see you're really
trying to screw me over!

LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: You think "battery cables" is something I
made up?

ETHAN: I'll pay whatever you want, just give me the bill.

LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: Fine. I'll prepare the invoice. Wait, if
the car wasn't starting, how did you get here?

ETHAN: I took a cab.

LESBIAN AUTO MECHANIC: That doesn't really answer my question.

(Cut to Ryan walking into his room while Kimberly clears out his
closet. Ryan has his backpack on)

RYAN: What the hell's going on here?

(Kimberly comes out of the closet)

KIMBERLY: Oh, hi honey. How was school?

RYAN: I threatened to hurt myself if my teacher didn't give me a
good grade, but now I see you're tampering with my belongings!

KIMBERLY: We have to sell some things off, honey. Yello?

RYAN: Are you trying to say YOLO?

KIMBERLY: Yoyo?

RYAN: That's closer, listen, you can't sell my shit, that's my
shit! I've accumulated that sit throughout seventeen years of
shit -accumulating! I mean, it's Christmas time, the time to
celebrate materialism and the avaricious hoarding of goods, and
now you're basically giving Santa the one-finger salute by
threatening to get rid of my shit!

KIMBERLY: Well, dad has a job in which he makes 16,000 dollars a
year, so, sorry but the free ride's over, kiddo. We need to cut
back. For instance, no more leaving your closet light on in the
middle of the night.

KIMBERLY: Some of these old hair straighteners, some twelve-year
old anime comics, some of these belts with scuffed buckles that
you seem to have a lot of-

RYAN: No.

KIMBERLY Yes, plus the rest of this useless junk! Also, no more
showers! You have to take baths now.

RYAN: Taking baths? What do I look like, a high-powered business
woman at the end of a long day?

KIMBERLY: No, that's me!

RYAN: Oh yes, the lucrative world of racquetball supply!

KIMBERLY: Don't pretend like we don't have to compete with GE!

RYAN: So what about Christmas presents?

KIMBERLY: We're not getting an inordinate amount of present this
year, okay? You have to decide, do you want a lot of small
presents or a few big presents?

RYAN: That's like choosing between Jesus and Judas!

KIMBERLY: You obviously pick Jesus!

RYAN: No, I mean like who would win in a fight?

KIMBERLY: Still Jesus.

RYAN: Shall we figure out what to sell?

KIMBERLY: Yes. Let's have a garage sale!

(Ryan and Kimberly jump up in the air and high-five in mid-air
and they hold on to that shot for a few seconds as music begins
playing. Then it cuts to a montage of Ryan and Kimberly breaking
open boxes, setting up tables on the driveway, setting up tables
on the driveway and rummaging through drawers. Then, as the music
ends, cut to Ryan and Kimberly standing in front of the tables
they set up on their driveway, where all the items are displayed.
They are talking to Lydia)

LYDIA: This garage sale has been dissolved.

KIMBERLY: What?!

LYDIA: Yes. Garage sales are only permitted during approved
garage sales weeks, which are usually between June and August.
NOT mid-December.

RYAN: It is really cold out here.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, but we're friends with the HOA President.

LYDIA: Doesn't matter. You still gotta follow the rules.

(Lydia leaves)

KIMBERLY: Damnit, now how are we going to sell this shit off?

RYAN: Hey, don't call it shit.

KIMBERLY: You were calling it shit earlier!

RYAN: We could sell it at the Salvation Army and make a pretty
penny!

KIMBERLY: The Salvation Army doesn't buy things; you donate
things to them for free.

RYAN: …Fuck. That's probably why I haven't received payment for
that XBOX…I'm kidding.

(Kimberly laughs)

KIMBERLY: That was good.

RYAN: Thank you.

(Cut to Ross and Jacob walking into Jacob's house. Ethan walks
over)

ETHAN: Hey kids. What are you guys doing tonight?

ROSS: Nothing much, Mr. Donahue. We're just hanging out for a
little while and I'll be home by 9:30. It is a school night,
after all.

ETHAN: That's true. Have fun, kiddos.

JACOB: Yep.

(Ethan walks into his room)

ROSS: Alright, so what are we waiting for?

JACOB: Um, I know! LET'S SHOOT SOME HOOPS OUTSIDE, ROSS!

ROSS: Be a little less obvious, right?

JACOB: Good call. (Jacob and Ross walk outside. They walk to the
basketball court in the back part of the house) We should play a
little to seal the deal in his subconscious.

ROSS: Okay. Why is your basketball hoop in the back of your
house?

JACOB: Why isn't yours?

ROSS: Because I'm black. (He picks up a basketball and makes it
from the three-point line) We're not ashamed to show off our
basketball skills, we're great at it. White families always put
them in the back. That's how you can tell if a house shelters a
white or a black family.

JACOB: How do you know if a house shelters Jews?

ROSS: The Gestapo visits.

(Jacob laughs and shoots a ball at the hoop, but it misses)

JACOB: Sorry, the sun got in my eyes.

ROSS: It's dark outside.

JACOB: Can we just smoke already?

ROSS: Fine. Hey, you know what I've never done?

JACOB: What?

ROSS: I've never hot boxed before.

JACOB: Really? I have.

ROSS: How did you become a stoner?

JACOB: It's pretty easy. It's not arduous by any stretch of the
imagination.

ROSS: True. Well, let's try it!

JACOB: In your car?

ROSS: Yeah!

JACOB: Okay. Let me go get the bong.

(Jacob walks over to a ladder by the side of his house. He grabs
the bong from behind it. He then walks to Ross' car, which Ross
is already in. Jacob gets in on the passenger side. Jacob starts
loading the bowl)

ROSS: How long is that going to take?

JACOB: How long is the Pope catholic?

ROSS: Wha…what?

JACOB: A little while, okay? Relax.

ROSS: Fine.

(Cut to earlier that day when Ethan is talking to the lesbian
auto mechanic in at the register)

AUTO MECHANIC: So, we were able to replace your battery cables,
that'll be twenty dollars.

ETHAN: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING-oh wow, that's actually…not a lot
of money at all.

AUTO MECHANIC: They're just battery cables.

ETHAN: Okay. Well thank you, um-

AUTO MECHANIC: Tammy.

ETHAN: Thank you, Tammy.

(Ethan takes out his wallet and hands her twenty dollars and she
puts it in the cash register)

TAMMY: Bye.

ETHAN: Goodbye.

(Ethan leaves the shop and gets in the car and drives off. Cut to
Ethan pulling up to the house while Ryan and Kimberly dismantle
their garage sale by folding up tables and bring stuff inside.
Ethan gets out and walks over to them)

ETHAN: What's going on here?

KIMBERLY: The HOA told us to dismantle this garage sale.

RYAN: So we've elected to sell this shit on EBay.

ETHAN: Nothing wrong with that, I guess. Did you guys know today
was 12-12-12? At 12:12 PM I freaked.

RYAN: Why? (Ethan shrieks with joy) Okay, that wasn't a response.
That was a sound effect.

(Kimberly puts down the last item in the garage as Ryan leans a
fold-up table against the wall in the garage)

KIMBERLY: Alright, let's sell some stuff on EBay!

(Jacob pulls up in his car and gets out and walks over to Ethan)

ETHAN: Hey.

JACOB: Hey, is it okay if Ross comes over for a few hours? He'll
by home by 9:30.

ETHAN: No, it's not okay-

(Ross pulls up in his car)

JACOB: But he's already here!

ETHAN: Then why were you asking me? Fine, but not for too long.

JACOB: Cool. We'll be back.

ETHAN: Where are you going?

JACOB: We're going to get some after-school tudoring.

ETHAN: Okay, be back soon.

(Jacob gets in Ross' car. Cut to Ryan and Kimberly around a
computer)

RYAN: Alright, so first we're selling this limited edition swing
set that Jacob puked on all the time when he was younger.

KIMBERLY: (Laughs)Yeah. I mean, I kind of understand his
sensitive stomach, but if swinging triggered that, why did he
have to puke on the swing set?

RYAN: (Laughs) I know! Anyway, let's not mention the old puke
smell.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, that's not going to go over well.

RYAN: Meanwhile, on Craig's List I am selling a terrarium that I
used to store my many hermit crabs in back in the summer of '010.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, until they were fighting over territory and
scrounging for food.

RYAN: Yeah, well sometimes I didn't want to stop playing League
of Legends to feed them, so I figured, it's the fall of Rome,
just battle royale, you know?

KIMBERLY: That's neglect.

RYAN: That's why I sold them to Preston, mom.

KIMBERLY: You mean the guy who threw a bowling ball into the pep
rally crowd at your school? Yeah, I'm sure he took great care of
them.

ETHAN: Fair enough, and I can't even get a "thank you" when I go
out of my way to do something nice for a person I despise?

KIMBERLY: Hey! He's my half-brother, first of all, so watch it.
Secondly, I'll ask him to say thank you if that's what you want.

ETHAN: No, I want it to be sincere and I want it to be of his own
fruition! I'll be able to tell if you coerced him to do it, so I
want a thank you by the end of the day OR ROB IS MOVING OUT!

KIMBERLY: Ethan!

ETHAN: HELL'S BELLS, KIMBERLY! HE'S OUT!

(Kimberly stands up)

KIMBERLY: Ethan, get a hold of yourself, you're overreacting!

ETHAN: Don't tell ME to get a hold of myself! Rob is an
obnoxious, inconsiderate ungrateful braggart and he will NOT stay
in my house until he says THANK YOU!

KIMBERLY: IT'S NOT ENTIRELY UP TO YOU, ETHAN!

RYAN: I'm so comfortable right now.

ETHAN: AS LONG AS I HOLD THE TITLE TO THIS HOUSE, I DECIDE WHO
LIVES!

RYAN: Like, who lives and who dies?

ETHAN: No, who lives in it.

RYAN: That's a big difference.

KIMBERLY: Ethan, I will talk to Rob.

ETHAN: You will not. He will do it of his own accord by the first
minute of December 13, 2012 or it's a deal breaker.

(Ethan leaves and Kimberly walks after him. Cut to Ross and Jacob
in Ross' car outside the Donahue household later that night.
Jacob takes his first hit off the bong and then hands it to Ross)

ROSS: Thanks.

JACOB: Take a hit, man.

ROSS: That's what I'm about to do, man. (Ross takes a hit for too
long and then coughs a bunch) Fuck, hand me some water!

(He coughs more as Jacob hands him water and he drinks it. Jacob
then takes the bong and takes a hit off of it)

JACOB: It's getting' pretty misty in here, bro.

ROSS: I'm getting pretty misty in here, bro. Hand me that.

(Jacob hands Ross the bong and Ross takes a hit off of it and
exhales. He then takes yet another hit)

JACOB: Fuck dude, nice.

ROSS: Yeah. (Ross hands the bong back to Jacob. Ross stares into
space for a long time while Jacob takes another hit. After Jacob
is done with his hit, he looks at Ross, who continues to stare
blankly. Suddenly, Ross is overcome with an incredible sense of
fear and panic) Fuck dude…

JACOB: What? Uh-oh, are you having a bad high?

ROSS: Fuck dude, I'm freaking out, my head is so FUCKING tight,
dude!

(Ross gets out of the car, as does Jacob. Ross is holding his
head, on the verge of tears)

JACOB: Don't! Don't smoke anymore! I won't smoke for a while
either! Just fucking breathe!

ROSS: I NEED TO GO TO YOUR DAD DUDE, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, I
DON'T WANT TO DIE!

JACOB: DON'T FUCKING GO TO MY DAD! OH MY GOD, DON'T DO THAT MAN!

ROSS: I HAVE TO!

JACOB: NO! YOU'LL BE FINE!

ROSS: I FUCKING HAVE TO!

(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly in their room, arguing)

ETHAN: This is a HOUSE! We have RULES! And one of them is you say
THANK YOU when someone does something nice for you! So fucking
easy, right? I say it as like a nervous twitch when someone does
something nice for me! THANK YOU!

KIMBERLY: Rob just isn't accustomed to that, Ethan, it's just the
way it is! He should be, but he's not! I'll talk to him!

ETHAN: I'm Speaker Boehner, you're President Obama. Let's
compromise. I will keep doing nice things for Rob and if he says
thank you to ONE of them then he can continue to live here. But I
am going to do these nice things before midnight, so Rob should
thank his lucky stars I'm giving him this opportunity! Although
he'd probably just tell his lucky stars to go fuck themselves.

KIMBERLY: This is-

(Ross comes holding his head and looking terrified as Ethan and
Kimberly turn to him)

ROSS: MR. DONAHUE!

ETHAN: What?!

ROSS: JACOB AND I SMOKED WAY TOO MUCH WEED AND NOW I FEEL
PANICED, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE, I NEED YOUR HELP!

ETHAN: Oh my God, have you done any other drugs?!

ROSS: NO! I SWEAR! I HAVEN'T! IT WAS JUST WEED!

KIMBERLY: Jesus Christ!

ETHAN: Sit him down in the living room, Kimmy. I'll go find
Jacob.

(Kimberly leads Ross to the living room and sits him down on the
couch. Ethan goes out the front door to see Jacob near the car)

ETHAN: JACOB! GET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN HERE!

(Jacob walks over)

JACOB: I knew I shouldn't have gotten him high!

(Ethan closes the door)

ETHAN: Where is the paraphernalia?!

JACOB: Roger lent it to us, but he just left!

ETHAN: What is he a fucking bong fairy?! He puts it under your
pillow and then takes it back whenever it's convenient for you?!

JACOB: YES!

ETHAN: Oh my God…(Ethan goes over to the other side of the room
and sits down on the couch. Kimberly is also seated on the couch
while Ross is seated on another couch and Jacob is standing in
the room. Ross continually runs his hands through his hair during
this interaction and he also wriggles around in his chair during
this experience) have you drank at all tonight?

ROSS: No…it was just weed…what the FUCK was in it?!

ETHAN: It could've been any number of things, who did you get it
from?

ROSS: It was some guy in a WAL-MART parking lot!

ETHAN: Jesus Christ…

JACOB: In my defense-

ETHAN: Shut up.

JACOB: Dad, I just want to say-

ETHAN: Shut up.

JACOB: Dad,do you-

ETHAN: Shut up!

ROSS: Oh my God, stop!

ETHAN: Excuse me?

ROSS: My heart is going like a thousand beats a minute!

ETHAN: You look pale.

JACOB: How is that possible?!

ETHAN: He looks, like, Puerto Rican.

JACOB: He looks black to me!

ETHAN: Shut up.

JACOB: No, you shut up!

ROSS: (Laughs) High Road!

JACOB: Yeah, that's a good movie.

ROSS: Fuck, oh my god… this is horrible, I don't want to die…

KIMBERLY: My mother Kay Altmire was a nurse at a Massachusetts
overdose center for twenty years and-

JACOB: We don't need to know your mom's resume, Ross is dying!

KIMBERLY: AND, fucking asshole, she dealt with over dose victims
and she taught me that you need to breathe steadily, that's the
only thing that's going to get your heart rate down. (Ross
breathes in and out steadily) There we go.

ETHAN: Jacob, if you smoke weed again I will put you in rehab! I
swear to God!

JACOB: I won't smoke weed again! I swear by it!

ETHAN: You better FUCKING not!

(Ryan walks in)

RYAN: Some guy just offered 120 dollars and a bottle of street
Vicodin for that swing set-wait, what's going on?

ETHAN: Ross smoked too much, go upstairs.

(Ryan looks viscerally concerned)

RYAN: I want to make sure he's okay.

ETHAN: He'll be fine, just GO UPSTAIRS! Tell Rob to go fuck
himself while you're up there!

RYAN: Will do. Let me know if you need anything.

(Ryan goes upstairs)

ROSS: I feel like I just want to laugh my way out of it, you
know, I just don't want to think about it, but it's fucking hard,
I keep seeing little swirly things going everywhere, I'm going in
and out, sometimes I feel like I want to sleep, I think the worst
of it's over, I think I'm getting better actually, OH GOD it's
getting substantially worse, Jacob, how the fuck could you do
this to me?!

JACOB: Listen dude, I don't know what to say, I'm sorry for
smokin' you out!

(Jacob gets his cell phone out and starts texting)

ETHAN: Are you TEXTING?!

JACOB: Yeah, I'm freakin' out too, I'm texting Barbara.

ETHAN: Your friend is dying and you're texting Barbara!

ROSS: Please stop telling me I'm dying!

ETHAN: Sorry, he's near death!

KIMBERLY: He's not! He just needs to breathe!

JACOB: Listen, I'm just concerned about Ross and I'm texting
Barbara to calm myself down! Is that a crime? Listen Ross, if you
don't want to be my friend anymore because of this-

(Jacob goes to the kitchen, gets some water from the fridge and
comes back with a glass of water and hands it to Ross, who drinks
it and then puts it down)

ETHAN: Ross, now that pot has elicited this reaction in your
body, there are now pot demons setting up camp in your organs.
Every time you get high for the next six months to a year, or
let's say until the year 2117, pot will elicit this same
reaction, except worse, and involving more rapturing to the
depths of hell itself.

ROSS: It's so weird, it's like, I'll never smoke again, I know
that for a fact! It's so weird, but it's true! It's a fact, it's
not trivia, it's certainly not a factoid-

ETHAN: He is really talkative right now.

(Pan to Kimberly who is on her laptop)

KIMBERLY: Talkativeness, extreme anxiety and a rapid heartbeat,
these are all symptoms of cocaine use.

ETHAN: Are you saying Ross is a crack baby?

KIMBERLY: Do you know what a crack baby is? And no, I mean coke
could've been in the weed that the WAL-MART smiley face sold
Jacob!

JACOB: I'm never trusting that guy again.

KIMBERLY: You probably won't feel normal again for about six
hours, Ross.

ETHAN: No. She told me the two most important words in the
English language are…

ROB: …Hot…cocoa?

ETHAN: (Biting his lip) No…not those, Rob. Hey, are you tired of
living in Ryan's room?

ROB: Totally. He faps under the covers like I don't notice.

ETHAN: Wow, didn't need to hear that, anyway, how would you feel
about moving into Madeline's old room?

ROB: Why didn't I get that room when Madeline moved out four
months ago?

ETHAN: Because I was planning on building a home theatre in
there, but now with money tight, I'm going to hand it over to
you. Enjoy.

ROB: Well I'll get my stuff then!

(Rob goes into the closet and pulls out a bag and starts packing
things like clothes, cigarettes, video games and about twelve
tooth brushes)

ETHAN: Why do you have so many toothbrushes?!

ROB: Gotta keep them pearly whites pearly white, Brohammed Ali.

ETHAN: STOP.

ROB: What?

ETHAN: Stop packing. Get up. Look me in the eye.

(Rob gets up)

ETHAN: You're not getting that room anymore, Rob.

ROB: What, why the fuck not?

ETHAN: THAT'S why! You're rude! You just said fuck to me when I
was just doing you a favor, you never said thank you for me
taking your car to the shop or getting you hot cocoa or offering
you a room. How the FUCK do you not know when to say thank you?

ROB: Oh my God, Ethan, I'm so sorry about that. I really need to
work on that, I apologize.

ETHAN: Well, I'm glad you've realized the error of your ways.
Now-wait. You still didn't say thank you for those things I did
for you.

ROB: …I apologized.

ETHAN: Say thank you.

ROB: I apologized!

ETHAN: SAY THANK YOU GODDAMNIT!

ROB: …Thanks.

ETHAN: THERE! JESUS CHRIST, HOW HARD WAS THAT? Why was that such
a tumultuous task for you?

ROB: I don't know, my dad was never insistent upon saying thank
you; it's just a skill I never developed. It's one of a lot of
social skills I never learned from my parents. I was the last of
their children, I was from another father and Kimberly was
already eleven when I was born.

ETHAN: Well. This has created quite an interesting dynamic
between us, has it not?

ROB: I'm not sure what you mean.

ETHAN: I mean…that I have become more monumentally important in
your life than I have ever been before…son. (Rob gets teary-eyed
and hugs Ethan. They embrace in that hug for several seconds
before they separate) Now, let's start with bringing up a
something about a topic long after the topic has been exhausted,
it's a tricky thing.

ROB: Okay.

(Cut to Ryan and Kimberly around the computer)

RYAN: Our items are getting tons of offers on EBay, Craig's List
and thousands of upvotes on Reddit.

KIMBERLY: It looks like we might actually sell a bunch of this
stuff.

RYAN: Absolutely we are. Although we're getting no hits on 4Chan,
probably because there's no holocaust jokes associated with old
throw pillows.

(Kimberly laughs)

KIMBERLY: Yeah, they seem to like that kind of thing from what
Rob showed me.

RYAN: Yeah.

KIMBERLY: You know Ryan…I actually had a lot of fun spending time
with you today, despite your initial protestations.

RYAN: Yeah, I did too. Even if it was all in an attempt to get
our fiscal house in order.

KIMBERLY: Right. We should do this more often.

RYAN: We should. Have some Mother-Son time. Because dad certainly
doesn't give me any father-son time.

KIMBERLY: I know he's not the warmest person on Earth, but he
means well.

RYAN: Yeah, well-

(Behind Ryan and Kimberly, right outside the door to the computer
room, Ethan and Rob walk down the stairs together and Ethan has
his arm around Rob's shoulder and they're chumming it up while
Ryan and Kimberly turn around and watch. They then walk away.
Ryan and Kimberly turn back and Ryan looks at Kimberly angrily.
Kimberly shrugs her shoulders and Ryan storms off in a huff. Cut
to Ross sleeping on the couch while Jacob sleeps on the other
couch)

ROSS: (Sleep talking) …say…say you're sorry…say you're…sorry…SAY
IT!

(Jacob wakes up)

JACOB: Ugh, what was that-

(Ross gets up, half-asleep)

ROSS: Say you're sorry.

JACOB: Ross, you're not lucid right now-

ROSS: SAY IT!

(Ross jumps on Jacob and starts choking him. Cut to earlier when
Troy and Ted were in that room with the gram of coke weed, ready
to make the deal. Alex comes in)

ALEX: Hey.

TROY: The fuck are you doing here?

ALEX: I just forgot my backpack, sorry.

TROY: Yeah, be sorry. Leaving shit is for messy dealers.

ALEX: Sorry.

(Alex grabs his book bag, but then this time the scene shows Alex
taking a gram of regular weed out of his bag and putting right
next to the gram of coke weed. Alex then takes the coke weed and
puts it in his bag and leaves as the camera pans back over to
Troy and Ted)