My Mother Has Died

She is gone. The woman who gave me life is no more. We will never see each other again.

The non-adopted can never understand the way I feel. It’s not just loss, I lost her already, so many times.

She died the day after I was kicked out of hospice. I don’t care about that anymore.

I never got to say goodbye. When I left the room for the last time, I thought I’d be going back again. It didn’t work out that way. She was asleep anyway, but I still wish I had more time with her. At least her sister was with her at the end.

I found out some terrible things, the morning after my mother died.

My mother’s good friend,(I’ll call him Prissy) posted a memorial to my mother on Facebook. My family and I were left out. I was devastated when I read it, because I knew the man who wrote it. I had been to his house, with my mother. We spent the day there in June 2013. It was a tense visit, and I think I may have drank too much. I often drank too much with my mother. It was easy to do.

I answered his post on Facebook, asking why we were excluded. I asked what my family did to deserve this. This is the reply I got from the Prissy’s partner (I’ll call him Gross)

I don’t know what this guy is talking about. This is not the first time I’ve been accused of hurting my mother. I felt guilty, because I said some things to my mother that were not that nice. I did hurt her, but I never did it on purpose. I was hurt and angry that I never got a chance to know the wonderful woman that my mother was. I lost out on a lifetime with her.

Years ago, when our reunion was new, I found out that my parents had faked my death. It was something that my adoptive mother told me. She heard it from the agency, but I never knew if it was true. Many things my adoptive mother was told were not true. This was.

When I found out the dead baby story was true, my blood ran cold in my veins. It haunted me, night and day. I was angry that no one buried my body, that no one did anything for the dead baby that I was. I wanted to know what happened to stillborn babies, and I looked on the internet.

I found out that unclaimed babies, and adults in my city are buried on Hart Island, in potter’s field. https://www.hartisland.net/.

This was horrifying to me. I told my mother and father. It wasn’t nice, I know, but that’s what I did. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I know now that it upset my mother more than I could ever imagine. I also told her that I wished I had been aborted, like her first pregnancy. I still feel that way. Living without her in my life was torture. I would rather have never been born.

I could not breathe. I felt that I was being attacked by this man, and this was the morning after my my mother died. It was a terrible blow. I private messaged him

Conversation started Wednesday
Michele
9/2, 8:24am
Michele
Hi, please tell me what you’re talking about? I really need to understand.
Greg
9/2, 8:26am
Greg
First off, I am so sorry for you loss and my knee-jerk reaction this morning. Paul and I are style very emotional over here, as I’m sure you are.
Now is the time to grieve and remember Sandra, and not attack one another.
I apologize for that.
Michele
9/2, 8:27am
Michele
It’s OK. I never understood what happened between us.
If you know, please tell me,
Greg
9/2, 8:27am
Greg
I’m sure there were years of pain built up before meeting that made things difficult for nothing you.
Both of you.
Big thumbs. Lol
Just try to rest up and take care of yourself right now and we can talk about this in the future if you’d like.
This has got to be s difficult time for you.
Michele
I never tried to hurt her. I’m sorry I made her last years so bad.
I amde her whole life bad, by being born
Greg
Not at all. She loved you. Like the mother she was.
She was sooooo happy to reconnect with you.
It put her mind at ease about so much pain she held inside about it all. Was very hard for her to do what she had to do.
I remember when you first found her at Christmas time. She called it a Christmas miracle.
Michele
9/2,
I really want to know what I did to her. What sick cards are you talking about? It’s important to me. You knew her better than I ever could.
Please, don’t hold bak. I’ve always wanted to know
Greg
9/2, 8:34am
Greg
The one with the dead babies in Potter’s field, saying you wish you weren’t born. frown emoticon
Michele
9/2, 8:34am
Michele
Did you see that card?
Greg
9/2, 8:34am
Greg
Yes.
Michele
9/2, 8:34am
Michele KS
Because I don’t remember it!
Greg
9/2, 8:35am
Greg
There were a lot of cards and gifts sent to her that we referred to as booby traps. She’d get them, thinking they were presents or cards, and inside would be something sick and twisted that made her heart ache.
Michele
9/2, 8:36am
Michele
Like what?
I really thought I was sending her nice gifts.
Greg
9/2, 8:36am
Greg
Paul has a better recollection than I do. They talked about it more.
Michele
9/2, 8:36am
Michele
Am I really crazy?
Greg
9/2, 8:36am
Greg
Lol. We all are!
Michele
9/2, 8:36am
Michele
Yeah but sending thigs I don’t remember…
I never intended anything i sent to be booby traps!
Greg
9/2, 8:37am
Greg
And to be honest it was probably subconscious hatred you had towards her. Maybe you sent them after a few drinks?
Michele
9/2, 8:37am
Michele
Are you really sure about this?
Greg
9/2, 8:38a
Greg
Yes.
Michele
9/2, 8:38am
Michele
ok. I wish I could see the stuff, maybe when John goes through her things he’ll find it.
Greg
9/2, 8:39am
Greg
But let’s not dwell on this. Let’s get through the next few days and remember your mother, who we both already miss so much.
Michele
9/2, 8:39am
Michele
I just remeber trying to get her thigs that would make her love me.
Greg
9/2, 8:39am
Greg
We can talk about this later. I have to get dressed and get to work. Missed yesterday! I’m open to talking whenever. XO
Michele
9/2, 8:40am
Michele
OK, don’t hold back!
Greg
9/2, 8:40am
Greg
XO
Michele
9/2, 9:08am
Michele
Are you sure my mother wasn’t suffering from projection? Can you have Paul contact me? I’m reeling from all this. I truly had no idea.
Thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate it.
If what you’re saying is true, I really have problems I never knew about.
Wednesday
Michele
9/2, 12:39pm
Michele
I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.
Michele
9/2, 1:41pm
Michele
And my children deserve to be left out of her obituary because of the things she claims I sent to her?
Greg
9/2, 2:02pm
Greg
I have nothing to do with what Paul wrote and there is no “claiming” anything. She brought everything to our house you sent her to show us. We’ve seen it all and they were real.
Let’s move on an concentrate on her right now. She deserves that. This isn’t about us. It’s about her.
Michele
9/2, 3:07pm
Michele
But please, Greg, what things are you talking about?
I’m really freaking out about this. Do you know my daughter saw what you wrote about me? She’s away at college, all alone and just heard her grandmother died.
Can paul call me? XXXXX or email me,XXXXXXX
Greg, I really don’t know what I did. I am not lying, and am not prone to amnesia.
I did everything I could for my mother. I paid for Sharon’s bus ticket, because I knew my mother needed her.
I never knew why everyone was hostile to me.
I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare.
Michele
9/2, 3:25pm
Michele
I can’t move on until I know what you’re talking about.
Greg
9/2, 3:31pm
Greg
Paul does not wish to speak to you. And I find it bizarre that you have no recollection of your hostile relationship with your mother…? I was witness to it on Fire Island. And to be honest, you brought this on yourself by asking, “What have I done to deserve this?” in your comment – turning Paul’s beautiful tribute to his best friend into something that was about you. Which you’re doing now again. Let us grieve Sandra and we can revisit this at a later time. I’m trying to be patient with you, but you keep bringing this up…once again, this is about Sandra, and the pain we are all feeling due to her loss.
Michele
9/2, 3:32pm
Michele
What happened in Fire Island?
My mother told me that the gift I sent her on mother’s day was the ugliest thing she had ever seen, and I was heartbroken. I chose the gift with my daughter, with nothing but love. Please if you’re going to accuse me, at least tell me what I did.
What did I do to Paul?
I was very upset that day, it’s true
I don’t remember hurting anyone
It was about me and my children, because we were omitted. How would you feel if it happened to you?
Greg
9/2, 3:37pm
Greg
Paul doesn’t know your family or your children. Why do you think he would? Write your own beautiful tribute to her and include them!!!!
Michele
9/2, 3:37pm
Michele
He knows we exist
Greg
9/2, 3:38pm
Greg
He doesn’t know the names of your kids!!! And he doesn’t like you!
Michele
9/2, 3:39pm
Michele
Greg, I don’t understand what’s going on. I’ll leave you alone, but please try and tell me what these things are and what I did to hurt everyone so much.
Greg
9/2, 3:39pm
Greg
Just hurting her hurt us…
Michele
9/2, 3:39pm
Michele
But how did I hurt her?
Greg
9/2, 3:40pm
Greg
we’re going in circles…
Michele
9/2, 3:40pm
Michele
I can’t defend myself if I don’t know what I did.
And no one will tell me
Paul doesn’t have to like me, just email me what I did
Greg
9/2, 3:41pm
Greg
I’ve told you already. Sending her cards saying you wish you were a dead fetus in potter’s field that was aborted for Mother’s Day…how’s that for a start?
Michele
9/2, 3:41pm
Michele
I never did that.
Greg
9/2, 3:42pm
Greg
I saw the card.
Michele
9/2, 3:42pm
Michele
Absolutely never
how do you know it was really sent by me?
Greg
9/2, 3:42pm
Greg
…and the envelope it came in…addressed to her.
Do you think someone else sent it?
Michele
9/2, 3:42pm
Michele
No, I sent my mother cards, but I never, ever wote anythng like that!
Greg
9/2, 3:42pm
Greg
…pretending to be you?
This is so bizarre then!
Michele
9/2, 3:43pm
Michele
I was so careful to choose cards that would not offend her.
Greg
9/2, 3:43pm
Greg
Eek. Then either someone was trying to sabotage your relationship or you have an alter ego that comes out…?
Michele
9/2, 3:44pm
Michele
Oh Greg, my mother was severely abused as a child.
Greg
9/2, 3:44pm
Greg
I know all about it.
Michele
9/2, 3:44pm
Michele
I have no explaination
Greg
9/2, 3:44pm
Greg
We had lots of discussions about it over the years.
I even wrote a story about her in a book that’s coming out in a few weeks..
Michele
9/2, 3:44pm
Michele
But I did not ever, ever send anything like that to my mother. I had no idea this was going on
Greg
9/2, 3:45pm
Greg
Oh wow! There were lots of cards like that…
This is crazy.
But that’s where we’re all coming from…so you know.
Now I have to get back to work. I have a meeting at 4 I have to get stuff ready for….
Michele
9/2, 3:45pm
Michele
I’m sorry. I know you don’t believe me. This is heartbreaking.
Greg
9/2, 3:46pm
Greg
I can believe anything. It’s a crazy world!
Michele
9/2, 3:46pm
Michele
All of you?
Greg
9/2, 3:46pm
Greg
well Paul and I..
Michele
9/2, 3:46p
Michele
OMG
Michele
9/2, 5:52pm
Michele
Greg, one last thing, I promise. You did me a big favor today. I had no idea that this was happening and could not understand why I was being treated so badly. Now the pieces are falling into place. I have no idea what John and Jeanmarie think of me, and what they think I did to my mother. I loved her, but she was a damaged person. i really didn’t know how badly until now. All you know about me is what my mother told you. I understand your hatred now. Thanks again, and thank you for being such a good friend to my mother.
Greg
9/2, 6:30pm
Greg
Of course. XO

I think my mother altered the cards that I sent her, then showed them to these men. I still don’t know what they mean by booby traps. I sent my mother “The Primal Wound” and a CD of The Foundling, by Mary Gautier, but I don’t think those things qualify as “booby traps” or “sick and twisted”.

I think my mother was throwing me under the bus, framing me! Or, maybe one of her alters did it, and she really thought it was me. Either way, it’s pretty bad. I had no idea.

She has sent me some pretty scary things over the years. These were from back in 2012. We never saw each other much after I got this package.

My mother handed this envelope to me the day after I picked her up from the hospital after she had a hernia operation. My dear Auntie took care of her then too. These things upset me so much, I read them and burned them out in the yard. I took these pictures just to prove, to myself that I wasn’t nuts.

I never told anyone outside of my immediate family about this. It’s too painful. I can’t imagine a woman, a mother showing friends things like this.

I can’t go to the memorial service for my mother. My brother didn’t invite me anyway. I guess she was cremated by now, but I don’t know that either.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE THESE HATEFUL MEN AGAIN. I can just picture them all sitting around, talking trash about me and how terrible I am.

I don’t know what to think about my mother. I still want to love her memory, but it’s hard right now.

2 comments on “My Mother Has Died”

Wow. My birthfather also passed my heartfelt letters around to friends and family to ‘analyse’. I also made the mistake of talking about adoption as a social and historical institution to him thinking he would comfort me. Nope. Blamed me for ruining his reunion he started out all excited about…hated me for it really. He believes adoption does not harm children, it’s a simple transfer, best to be in 2 parent home, loving choice etc. He expected me to be grateful, well adjusted, happy, and cheerful. And not need anything real or deep or difficult from him. Put on a smile and meet the family, make him look good. Not all the crying 🙂 how cruel your mother was to not be able to be even the smallest bit nurturing towards your pain. We’ll it sounds like she had very little tolerance for her own pain either. People cannot be kinder to you than they are to themselves.