Wednesday, March 24, 2010

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley.

To: John Hinckley From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Kevin Rudd has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

SECURITY ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

A Mate of mine told me this story and swears it's Fair dinkum.Here's what he told me:

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown (For you overseas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth) with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.