Long time lurker and I will try to give brief BG to sum up my issues. I'm mobile so I apologize in advance for any wacky spacing or spelling issues. There shouldn't be many spelling errors though.
Ok so I have ILs from hell. From the beginning they have been overbearing and over involved. They live halfway across the country so it's not that big of an issue as far as dropping by and daily dealings go. However my MIL is emotionally manipulative and tries to ruin the relationships her sons have. DH is 29 and I am his second wife. (First wife cheated on him while he was deployed ). MBIL just got married in November and YBIL is single and 22.
In June FIL said some horribly nasty things to and about DH and I. It was a huge fight. We tried to move on from there but I never really got a heartfelt apology and I've been (as well as my relationship with DH) the fodder for ILs gossip ever since. June 26 I got my BFP and so there has been a rush for the relationship to return to "normal" so ILs can have grand baby time. (Barf). After the fight in June I explained in order to successfully rebuild the relationship I needed time and space otherwise I would resent them. Every step of the way MIL and FIL have pressured me by asking us to stay with them, touching me (belly), hugging, and overuse of "I love you". I have now entered the realm of severe resentment - as I knew I would and as I warned them should they force me to do things in which I was not comfortable.
I'm due in march. We are now feuding with ILs because MIL thinks my pregnancy and my baby are all about her. DH thinks I should ignore her and be the bigger person and just sweep everything under the rug. I can't do that. DH and I are going to start therapy next week - appointment is already made. DH said we can't give his parents rules because his mom is sensitive and it will hurt her feeeewings. (Poor her)
I need these rules because I need them to prove to me that they want to change and want to have a relationship with us not just our son.
We talked to ILs last night and MIL made it all about her and how this is the hardest thing she has ever have to deal with and she's already given me 6 months (where she pressured me constantly after I asked her not to) how much longer could I possibly need and when can she see her grand baby??!!??!!
So my question for all of you who have BTDT with enmeshed, narcissistic, and emotionally manipulative ILs - what does it take for your DH to realize how toxic his parents are and to put them on a long TO or CO? Did counseling help? Or can people like this really change? (ILs are also super religious and wanted their sons to marry school marm virgins who'd never so much held hands with someone else.........)

There is a lot more BG but unless you ask I won't put it in because I'm so upset I think it will end up being convoluted and hard to understand but if you have questions I'll answer them. Thanks in advance!!!!!!

Comments (198)

Wineo - yeah. And apparently me bringing that up is holding a grudge and not forgiving them for the mistakes they made. My son will never ever ever be alone with these people. DH has agreed to that, but hopefully counseling will help him respect my decision not to have them in our son's life at all.

I think the hardest part for my DH is realizing that the nice things his parents did for him don't negate the negative. He has said he OWES them for raising him. I tried to explain that they chose to have a child and the only option is adoption or raising said child. I told him he didn't choose to be born so he doesn't owe them shit. It really makes me sad to think he feels indebted to such horrible people.

Does he think that his child will owe him? He would probably be aghast at the idea. I'm saddened that he doesn't feel that he, as a child, deserved the same treatment he wants for the child you two are about to have.

OP, your husband isn't wrong. This is his child, too. He does have the right to take HIS child to see his parents.
Just because you have a vagina and birthed the babe does not give you extra special rights to the baby.

Next, giving ultimatums is one of the worst things you can do to a marriage. It builds resentment and breaks down the foundation you have worked so hard to build.

Finally, you and your husband need to come to a compromise. An equitable compromise is that the ILs can have pictures if the baby but no visits/Skype/FaceTime until you have had a solid 6 months of therapy. At that point, you can revisit the topic. 6 months doesn't automatically get a visit. Make sure he understands that.

He MUST respect your desire to stop speaking to you about his parents. You do not hear one single syllable about them (outside of therapy). Hearing about them is causing more resentment in your part so he needs to can it.

I have to tell you how disgusting your husband's refrain of "She just wants to love us" is. It makes me sick to my stomach. Who needs or wants that kind of love?

On my phone, excuse any errors, I will edit when I get I the computer.

Head in sand - why does our son being part DH's allow him to expose him to abusive people? DH told me that he doesn't want one of my acquaintances around the baby because she smokes pot. She isn't a great influence and I kind of agree with him on this, but it's the same concept. He doesn't feel comfortable with my acquaintance around our baby so she won't be. If I don't feel comfortable with his parents around our baby then he shouldn't force me to allow it just because they're blood related. They are disrespectful to me and our relationship and have priced mutiple times in the raising of their own kids that they aren't safe people. Why would I allow my son to think these people are safe when they aren't? I can guarantee that if I let them in my sons life they would try to force me to take him to church and then when I don't they'd tell my son they fear for his eternal life because mommy is keeping you from having a relationship and being saved. I don't believe you have to go to church to have a relationship with God.

What kind of therapist are you going to see? Do they have a website?? If so look at it and see what types of therapy they do. A unicorn therapist will do so much harm in this situation. You really need to make sure it's a good one. If I were you I would call Monday and ask them a few questions. I'm sure someone here can give a few to ask.

Head in sand. I did read the rest of your post, but I wanted you to examine the first part because I truly don't understand the concept. DH is confusing because at times he rages about how horrible his parents are and then others he wants to salage the relationship and respect them. It's weird and I can never understand where he's coming from and I don't understand WHY he wants them to be around our child other than it keeping his mom from having a mental breakdown. He said "let my parents come once and see Gavin get their jollies and then we can ignore them and not have to see or deal with them anymore." It's not that he wants our son to have a relationship with them because he doesn't. He just doesn't want to deal with his moms sadness if we don't let her meet her grandson. That makes no sense to me and isn't a valid reason to expose my son to their toxicity.

My issue here is how to explain to him WHY he can't take our son around his parents if I CO them. I've tried to explain it but he says its his child too and he should have a say. I am at a loss as to how to explain it in a way he will understand.

I would tell him the main problem with him taking your baby to his parents so he can offer it up to the toxic crazy is that he will come home to his shit on the front lawn and a petition for divorce taped to the front door. He can pay child support, get every other weekend, and spend the rest of his time breast feeding with his mother and blowing his father. Since making them happy seems to be the only thing he thinks is important, why not just do it full time? This will free you up to find a real man instead of a little boy who's pussy whipped by his own mother.

I'd explain it to him just like that. He seems to disrespect you so much that he might actually agree that it would be best if he just lived with his parents. But that's just me. YMMV.

I think she wants to protect her helpless baby. That's what a real mother does. Sometimes you have to protect a baby from the shitty judgment and shitty decisions of a clueless, inept, dumbfuck husband who is willing to let his own child be abused so he can get a pat on the head from his nasty, horrible, toxic parents.