Do As I Say, Not As I Do

humor \ 2013-02-07

In the spirit of OMFG-I'm-a-graduating-senior nostalgia, I'm going to admit something in this column that I have never admitted before to anyone else, not even to myself: I didn't lose my college hookup virginity until the very, very, very last day of freshman year. And I am not ashamed! If anything, this has made me into a stronger person. Albeit, a glacially slow-moving one. However, what has worked for me may not work for everyone. There may be some of you out there who started reading this column hoping for tips that will help you sweep the guy or girl of your dreams off his or her feet.

I am not here to give you those tips. I am here to talk about what I know and that's how to wait until the very last day. Remember folks, the last day is still a day to lose your college hookup virginity.

Step 1: Find a person.

This can be literally any person. Do you have the hots for your Spanish teacher? That's great, she's a person. How 'bout the registrar? Also a person! That slightly pudgy guy who's got a lot of gusto in the gym? Perfect.

Step 2: Try really hard not to think of that person.

The secret of this step is to actually think of the person. It helps if you associate something mundane with the person, like spoons, or eggs, or drop-top convertibles. This helps put the person out of your mind and in no way will call the person to mind whenever you see these items. Trust me, I do this for a living.

Step 3: Cultivate that person's Cult of Personality.

While not thinking about your intended hookup, try to attribute personality traits to that person, even though you may not know if these actually exist. Examples I have used in the past include: the ability to tap dance, kindness, excessive enthusiasm and a love of trigonometry. An acceptable alternative, if he or she is a horticulture student, is to cultivate that person's garden - but make sure to ask permission first.

Optional Step 4: Do nothing for a really long time.

For those with more time on their hands, an effective way to speed up the process is to not do anything about it for a month or two. If possible, try to go abroad for a semester or take a 20-credit load that will crush your soul. This doesn't actually do anything for the relationship, but sometimes it's good just to take a break, relax and get caught up on your TV shows. Pining away for someone is serious business (Continue to Step 5).

Step 5: Pine.

Get started in the endless cycle of talking about said person to your friends, having them tell you just to (wo)man-up and do something, then chickening out and sitting in Okenshield's waiting for a spark of inspiration. It helps at this point to find out where you will most likely see the object of your desire and avoid it like the plague. If you keep seeing him or her, it might inspire you to talk to that person and we don't want that. Remember, we're going for the last day here.

Step 6: Make your move.

This is the hardest part. I usually wait to save her from a laser cougar or a burning avalanche or something suitable for my macho man-skills. Some people I know have stayed up for hours talking about dog pedigrees and have sealed the deal at the end of a marathon session on Dachshunds. Whatever works for you, but make sure it's weird/awesome enough for you to talk about it in excruciating detail to your friends afterward.

Step 7: Revel.

High five! You've just completed a defining moment of your life! To make it better, hope that the person you just got with isn't coming back. This will make relating it to your friends back home that much more bittersweet. That's two flavors for the price of one word! Can't get a better deal than that.

Step 8: Rinse and repeat.

Seriously, take a shower. All this pining and kissing and stuff usually causes people to work up a sweat, even if they aren't aware of it. Guys and girls enjoy clean guys and girls. It makes life easier.