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"Cazzarola, ho le palle rotte oggi!" It's ok to look a gift horse in the mouth...to see if it has all its teeth. "Only In Italy!"

And without further delay...here you go!

Enjoy the issue, keep writing and Grazie!

Tanti Saluti, "Only In Italy" Staff

Send A Text Message To The Pope

Rome - May 8, 2010 - Roman Catholics can send now text messages of support to Pope Benedict XVI, Italian public television said Saturday, as the Church faces an international pedophile scandal.

The mobile phone service was launched by Rai television's Sunday weekly religious program, ahead of a gathering organized by lay groups in Saint Peter's Square on May 16 to show their backing for the pontiff.

All messages sent to the special number (+39 335 18 63 091) will be passed along to the pope by the end of May, the broadcaster said. They will be shown from Sunday during the television show "In His Image".

"It's a truly unique event, because with this number everyone can show their solidarity without being physically present in Saint Peter's Square," said Rosario Carello, the chief of the program on the Rai Uno channel.

Folks, feel free to send the following messages of solidarity to our good Pope:

Dear Pope, it's not working. What happened? There's a circus going on in that Vatican. Remember the biblical Calabrian saying, "Fatti i cazzi tuoi, ca campi cent'anni." (Mind your own business, and you'll live 100 years.)

Jesus says to John come forth, I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth. He won a toaster. LOL!

God made daylight n called it the SUN.
God made entertainment n called it FUN.
God made night light n called it the MOON.
God made you n called it CARTOON.

Dear Pope, would consider coming to one of my Protestant services where they are doing healings, and people are running up and down the aisles and passing out? It's a hoot! PS. How's the weather in Rome?

Pope, may you bless the person who wrote these words of wisdom, "Dai nemici mi guardo io, dagli amici mi guardi Iddio!" (I can protect myself from my enemies; may God protect me from my friends!)

Authorities also seized rocket and grenade launchers. The Sicilian mafia, the Calabrian 'Ndrangheta and the Naples-area Camorra dropped traditional rivalries to join forces to control fruit and vegetable sales and distribution throughout central and southern Italy, General Antonio Girone of the anti-mafia police said.

"If you ever wondered why the price of fruit is multiplied by 20 times" from the price paid to the farmer to what consumers pay at the store, the investigation supplied a reason, Girone said.

Among those arrested was Paolo Schiavone, son of Francesco Schiavone, reputedly a boss of the Casalesi crime clan, based in Caserta, who is in jail. Paolo Schiavone had just stepped on to the docks of Naples at the end of a honeymoon cruise when he was arrested, said Rodolfo Ruperti, Caserta police special operations chief.

The alleged ring was exposed after police began investigating the attempted murder in 2002 of a delivery truck driver. Using wiretaps, investigators discovered "how the Camorra terrorized those in the transport sector" to make sure that their own transport companies carried produce from farms, and that vendors agreed to their prices, said Rodolfo Ruperti, Caserta police special operations chief.

"They put their own trucking companies to work," Italy's national anti-mafia prosecutor, Piero Grasso, told a news conference in Naples.

The trucks also sometimes moved weapons.

"Che schifo!" I miss the days when preparing a tomato and mozzarella salad wasn't such a pain in the ass.

"Authorities also seized rocket and grenade launchers." Yes, they come in quite handy when discouraging hijackers or dealing with local workers' unions.

"Paolo Schiavone had just stepped on to the docks of Naples at the end of a honeymoon cruise when he was arrested..." "Porca miseria", so sorry! More importantly, how was the buffet? Was there a large assortment of fresh fruits and vegetables?

Most people need to double the amount the amount of fruits and vegetables they eat every day. Most of us in Southern Italy would love to heed to this sound advice but we don't think our local bank would approve a personal loan for the purchase eggplants and zucchini.

Here's some food for thought:

- It is recommended that you eat five servings of fruit or vegetables a day. (That's out of the question. But we can always get some pictures of produce and stare at them.)

- They are delicious. ("Mi scusi", excuse me. I would like to return these peppers. They smell like gunpowder.)

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Rome - May 11, 2010 - Francesco Totti kicked Mario Balotelli in the Italian Cup final because the Inter Milan striker called him a "grandpa" and said he was "finished", the AS Roma skipper told an Italian celebrity magazine.

"From the first minute I came onto the pitch Balotelli provoked me - he even said 'Hey grandad, you're finished," Totti told the magazine in an interview to be published Wednesday.

Totti denied the Italo-Ghanaian's claims he leveled racist taunts at him before connecting with the wild kick that earned him a four-match ban.

"I never called him 'dirty n***er, what I said was 'you piece of s**t," said the former Italy player.

"What I did was wrong but I was provoked," Totti said, adding "I feel really alone".

Totti's status as a role model took a big knock from the incident but on Tuesday a top Catholic cleric said "he should be forgiven, as long as he goes to confession".

Msgr Claudio Paganini, head of the Vatican's annual Clericus Cup soccer tournament, said the erring star "should be given the chance of redemption".

Unfortunately, soccer ("cazzo", excuse me...I mean football) is a popular activity. But this does not mean it has any value. Any jackass who attributes value to football because it is popular should also choose a 'Fettuccine Alfredo' over 'Risotto con Tartufi', since Olive Garden is more popular than a REAL Italian restaurant in downtown Florence.

Contrary to popular belief, football is as stale as the water dish in a Sicilian chicken shack and just because it can stop sheep traffic in Agrigento doesn't mean we have to fall in line.

"Francesco Totti kicked Mario Balotelli in the Italian Cup because the Inter Milan striker called him a grandpa..." "Che roba!" If it wasn't for their ability to tap dance with a ball, Totti would be filling sausages in a Rome butcher shop and Balotelli would be wiping down cars at a car wash.

"I never called him 'dirty n***er, what I said was 'you piece of s**t," said the former Italy player." I never said your mother is a "mignotta". I was just curious as to why she has a lot of money but never leaves the house.

"...a top Catholic cleric said "he should be forgiven, as long as he goes to confession"." No, no, no! Now, you see, this is why I sometimes get the urge to go to church and have the door of the confessional slam continuously into my head.

"Si, vaffanculo to you too!"

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