Amateur

He watches commands his S/O to chew, lick and gobble her way to next month's utility bill payment. Good call on filming too. Maybe for your next exploit you can use said video to negotiate your way to a free super-size?

Nice taste in women, unacceptable camera work. I got 2 words for this gentleman: TRIPOD MOTHERFUCKER. Try keeping them at the front of your mind next time you cross borders for the Limp Bizkit reunion concert.

To my ever growing .08% female viewership: put on your monocle and break out notepad.exe. This right here is what a REAL woman looks like. Ultra-stacked, sub-120 lbs and master of the lazy handy. #marrymetoday

This trashbag's got a plan that guarantees airtime on Maury Povich. She times it just right so when it's time to spread the marmalade, dude has no choice but to shoot below the waist. My cousin Vinny calls that entrapment.

This is called Taking a Swedish Bike Ride. It happens when those dudes with above-average girth fail lubrication preparation. So they pump harder... til a breaking point hits. Somewhere between the 3rd & 4th second degree burn.

Everybody has a gift. His is convincing solid 7's to double up on his bald headed field mouse while simultaneously crossing sexual orientation lines. A beautiful moment before being dropkicked back to the strawberry fields.

Face of a succubus and she knows her way around a gopher hole. Rarely do I admit this, but this chicky is 1 enema away from a Chipotle burrito bowl on my dime. Unfortunately, my desert rose isn't bloomed enough for her taste.

Before today I was absolutely certain of two critical things: 1: Blondes are inherently on the spectrum for autism. And 2: Cats are born assholes. Looks like my opinions have officially been reinforced. See her live HERE

Joe Blow blocks all action with his repulsive unglazed donut, but with a file name like 'AnalDislike.flv' I can assure you an unstable amount of jealousy will result by watching it. Not floating your goat? Indulge in THIS instead.

Reminds me of the time I finally gamed that redhead at Baskin Robbins with the clubbed foot, and miscalculated my mother's arrival time. Not since Forest Gump, have I seen someone with a disability run so damn fast.

Homeboy gets the invite to ride the vein train to Epiglottis Avenue on a girl that has a smaller esophagus than Tyrion Lannister. He approaches the same way I do to 5PM traffic: Ram foward, and ignore the cries for help.

Certainly no Scarlett Johnanson. But what she lacks in beauty and natural born talent, she makes up for in... well... jack shit. Girl is useless. Bitch acts like she's being forced to watch Amy Schumer do standup at gunpoint.

After 12+ mins of stuffing the muffin, she starts crying about the finale. Equally as entertaining are her facial expressions and choice of vocabulary... with hits likes 'do i have to taste it?' and my personal fave: 'ghrghaghbokad'.

Damn, she's bangin. So bangin I'd give up my limited edition Taylor Swift coffee enema system just to have a lick of her waistline after a 5K Marthon. Feel free to redden those cheeks bitch, it's the compliment of a lifetime.

Flattery may not be my strong point, but I gotta say: chick is bangin yo. I'd gladly chew Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Ninja Turtles Edition out of Usain Bolts post-200 meter relay asshole just for a chance to hold her hand.

Infuckincredible. I bet youd slurp the corned beef hash from her Irish shithole, just to be in the same room as those vitamin-loaded honeydews. I'd even offer a swipe of my coveted Subway loyalty card just for a peek.

And by gangbang I mean 1 sexually inept man losing his virginity while Oscar De Lahoya's 2 cousins spectate. Only thing missing is a Mariachi band and one token black guy repeatedly screaming "wurlstar". (RIP Q)

...and by 'drunk' I mean one socially-deficient girl losing all vertical ability after hammering down 1.5 Coronas. The only thing missing is the token fat friend trying to drag her out, and someone screaming 'Y0 WURLSTAR'.

Self-proclaimed thick whisperer and hustler of da hood, Tyrone Brown goes to pound-town on a token BBW-in training with commentary the likes you've never heard outside of an episode of Maury Povich. Just listen.

Ever wonder how these overachiever college students take 73 credits while pulling double shifts at Cracker Barrel? Spoiler: They all do drugs. Usually followed by casual humping. Cocaine + TINDER = this 4.0 GPA'r.

There's a pretty thin line between 'i only date guys taller than me', and being sodomized by the Jolly Green Giant. Where that line actually is... I don't know. But I can tell you Petra Dinklage over here just crossed it.

This girl's resilience is certifiably insane. Submissive, low-maintenance personality too. I want to hug her. I want to punch her. I want to spoon all 74 zesty flavors of Ben & Jerry's out of her asshole. In that order.

Who does this prick think he is? The Batman of social justice? This is y I make an effort not to wipe prior to sexual contact. Surprise me with a camera and all you'll get is 2 cheeks full of gramma's ole fashioned custard.

He's got a unique look. Could almost pass for a greeter at an Aspergers-only Hollister. But the compliments end there, cause this being online only sunk his stock faster than Brexit. I can smell the suicide note from here.

The face of a virgin paired with a twat that's seen the blunt end of a piranha. Sorry lady, but if you expect me to believe this fantasy, you're gonna have to pick yourself up a sewing kit and get to work. Immediately.

a.k.a small penis compensation. It happens when homebois packing less meat than a vegetarian cafe get discouraged by their girl's lack of excitement. Sounding like the immigrant from That 70's Show is optional.

Some will click this and see a beautiful human being. Others will bathe their routers in bleach and set a hard drive on fire. But me? All I see is the only movie star that can give herself 3 thumbs up. Call me Mr. Positive.