Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I'm not doing well right now, but I'm working through it. I have suicidal thoughts when I'm pushed beyond what I think I can handle. I'm not doing it to be selfish. I blog to work out my feelings and emotions, like I used to do with my private notebook before Azalia went through my things and read it. I was very hurt by that, especially since she read it to others too.

I post my entries from Ping.fm which doesn't set things as private when you post them, but I don't care about hiding my thoughts and emotions because my privacy may get violated anyways. There are glitches in software and people who will always try to hack someone's account and reveal their private lives. Why bother hiding it if it would be less painful to just have it out there to begin with?

What you read is the inner workings of my mind. I hurt, a lot, but I chose not to be here for now. If my thoughts and emotions and my sharing of them upsets you, I'm sorry. It is how I deal with things, my coping mechanism.

I write it down without censoring myself, and then I read it. I evaluate what I may be doing right and what I may be doing wrong and try to make things better. The physical representation of my mind on a page allows me to explore more deeply just what is going on in my life and how I am dealing with it in comparison to how I should be dealing with it. I put it out there for the world to see because I don't like secrets, lies, or deception. I am real.

I love my family. I love my friends and that includes all of you I've spoken online with. Most of all, I love my children.

Life is a series of moments, my friends. It's only purpose is that which we give it. Regardless of religious decree or moral imperative, the immutable truth of existence is Panta Rei Ouden Meni. Perhaps an oxymoron due to it being a rule itself, but translated from Greek it means "everything flows, nothing is static." Enjoy what moments come your way, allow and help others to do the same.

No one needs to suffer in this world. We have the ability to eliminate that, but not the desire. We could all spend every day of our lives creating and making the world brighter and more fulfilling for everyone, but instead we grasp at every feeble and selfish desire with the tenacity of a drowning rat.

I've said it before it my writings that a few friends have read, that no one can control you unless you let them. In a sense that is true, because at the end of the day when you rest your head wherever you may be, you are the one who ultimately has to learn to live with your life and the choices you have made. However, there is something to be said about environment and the choices dictated by it. Not everyone has been given the opportunity to pursue the choices they would like to make and the majority of those choices are made in ignorance of what the outcome may be or with intentions far removed from the reality of the situation.

I want to be home right now, with my wife and children. I wish my most pressing concern was my school work, keeping up with my classes, getting the kids ready for school themselves, perhaps getting a few moments alone to be an Adult and a person of my own and not what the necessities of the situation dictate my choices are. Sadly, that is not where I am right now and that choice was not mine to make. It was dictated by others through lies and manipulation.

I've ranted enough. If you've made it this far and are still offended, then all I can say is I am sorry to have offended you. Have a nice day.

Monday, October 19, 2009

People think you are a sweet and gentle person but look out because looks can be deceiving lurking deep inside you lays a naughty and wild person looking for new ways to rediscover how to be naughty. In public you maintain an appearance of elegance but behind closed doors you are an animal.

You are kinkyYou are kinky but you hide it well. You have to be very comfortable with someone before they will ever see your kinky side. You have your limits on what you will try and it would be very hard for anyone to convince you to excide those limits and experiment beyond them.

You pass with flying colors. You know how to please your partner. You are not afraid to try new things and ideas that may come to your mind or that someone may suggest to you. Your partner is never bored and always longs to get you in the bedroom for intimate, alone, time.

A white rose, you represent humility, purity and innocence. Could there be a wedding in your future? There must be someone special that you are in love with very deeply. It is a young love that will bloom over time.

You are more lover then fighter. You would rather snuggle up with that special someone at home then fight. You will fight when there is no other way out of it. Romantic candle light dinners are no stranger to you. You love the one you are with and make sure they know it with showers of gifts and affection.

You are a Sexpert!!!You really know your stuff when it comes to sex. You are not afraid to try new things and experiment with sex. Your partner(s) will find themselves motionless and in awe after you have finished with them. With your level of knowledge hearing the words "OH MY GOD!" during sex is not an uncommon thing . Anyone lucky enough to experience sex with you will not be left unsatisfied.

Romance is no stranger to you. You know what romance is all about and what to do even if you do not all the time. You mix romance in just the right amount to ensure that you do not smoother your partner and allow them to have some space from time to time. On special evenings you can make your partners heart melt with love and affection.

You mix the right amount of passion and intensity in your kissing to make you a very good kisser. You can make someone fall madly in love with you with a single kiss. You must have a lot of experience in kissing and it shows. You love to kiss and be kissed, and your kissing is not limited to only on the mouth. You like to explore your partners body with your mouth and tongue.

Will always satisfy your partner.Your not sexually selfish at all. Your partners happiness and satisfaction are foremost on your mind. Your attention to detail makes you a prize catch for any man/woman. Be cautious that you do not forget about your own desires and lose interest.

You are hot and on fire.You are the ideal boyfriend. Any woman would be blessed to have you as their boyfriend. You will keep their interest with just enough mystery and appeal to keep them desiring more of you

Once upon a time, in a far away land there was a castle inside a mountain. In this enchanted castle Lived a cold hearted, beautiful, ancient Dragon He was the master of his domain. With his power to control wind he spent most of his time making things.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I am just sickened right now. Azalia continues to pass messages, the most hurtful ones she can think of apparently, while I sit here and try to hold together the last bits of my self-preservation instinct I have left. Those of you who've spoken to me recently know the score and how far Azalia has taken this, how many lies she has told, and how badly I'd like to just end it all.

Now this little bit is passed to me: Azalia wants me to give up my parental rights. She thinks I'll do this because she believes I just don't want to pay child support. All I can say is, I am sickened.

I can only hope this is not her idea. I can only hope she has not degenerated to this level.

All the hell I have been through lately has been in order to be able to be with my children and has blown up in my face. I have been lied to as well as about. I am just sickened and saddened beyond words.

I love my children and my wife with all of my heart and I would die for them. If this keeps up, I will die for them. I really don't feel like there is anything I can do to help them by being here anymore.

Terminating my parental rights would be the same as suicide for me. I just don't understand why she hates me so much. I gave her everything she ever asked for and more. I changed myself to please her until I forgot who I was.

I still don't recognize the face I see in the mirror. I still have nightmares every night that wake me up at 3:00am. I'm still paralyzed with fear every time I have to deal with any of this because it just never seems to improve, only get worse.

Does she really want me dead? I've had more than one person say yes to that. I just don't get it. This is not the attitude of a woman with a sane mind.

People say I need to get help, but I did and was told basically that I'm fine. Nothing unusual, considering my situation, to be depressed or suicidal at times. I was told to remain social and try to deal with the emotions when they came my way by interacting with others. Talk them out and get it off your chest. Well, I've done that and I'm continuing to do that... so why isn't anything getting better?

Who here knows where Hammerburg road is? It's a long straight strip of road that ends in a brick wall. I personally know a few people that have made that run and never come back. Is that really the best option I have right now? I don't want to believe that, but the evidence keeps pointing in that direction.

I'm not saying that no one cares or that I won't be missed. I'm not doing this to be selfish and take myself out of other peoples lives, but I know the world won't stop spinning if I'm not in it. I'm not conceited enough to believe that I'll be more than a memory once I'm gone. Life will go on.

Right now though, I'm just sickened. Sickened that such an idea would pass through those lips that I so often kissed with more love and passion than I ever felt for anything in my life. I gave her everything I was and she could never accept me for what I am.

You know, I hope that no one out there ever has to deal with this kind of nightmare. This isn't something you put someone you love through. There is no justification. Love is forever, even if you don't like someone, and you always try to do what would be best for them to grow and develop into the best that they can be. I have always honored that vow and I always will, no matter what she puts me through. I just wish it was mutual.

HollyLike Holly, you love animals, theatre, and great sex!!! You..'re sweet, a kid at heart and always on time for anything you..'re expected to attend! You�re a hopeless romantic, making you the perfect girlfriend who is sure to stick around through the ups and downs!!! Any guy hoping to claim you as his girl next door lover he needs to remember romance is key!

DesirelessYou have no inner desire. You are completely content with life and are very care free. You are very opptimistic about almost everything. This is a good attitude to have, its always good to love life and take it as it comes and enjoy the good times instead of dwelling on the bad.

PassionateYou're a very intimate lover who makes love rather than just has sex. You can't get going unless you are head over heels in love with the person you're with. For this, your lovemaking is very intense, producing multiple orgasms for both you and your mate. You are very tender and emotional when it comes to sex and are often praised for how good you can make it. It's very easy for you to feed off of what your mate wants and you never have a problem giving it to them.

READY TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY!!!http://i185.photobucket.com/albums/x170/andrew8282/CATKXFQLCA9GSEOGCAACYXEECAO77IATCAV.jpg

Your one of the best in bed! You know what your partner wants and how they want it. You love to try new things and love being in control when in bed (or where ever you might be). They beg you for more and they wish you'ld never stop.