March 28, 2017

Living in the Middle

There’s
no denying that the tenor of most social interaction in our culture is
currently quite ugly and mean. Some use social media as an excuse to rant and
rage “anonymously.” Some forget that typed out words represent only a third of
another’s communication - i.e., providing words but no facial expressions or
tone of voice – and choose to jump to conclusions and become “offended.” And
far too often that “virtual angst” bleeds out into our real-life interactions
as well.

It’s all
enough to make us want to throw up our hands in defeat, and decide it’d be
better to simply avoid any hint of possible confrontation anywhere. After all,
if we don’t share our thoughts, we cannot cross a line into offense. If we
don’t say a thing, we can’t possibly bother anyone else. And since we want our
kids to be “good,” we teach them the old adage: “Silence is a virtue.”

But when
we do that, we’re dead wrong.

Being
aggressive and obnoxious is obviously inappropriate. It’s a way to forsake real
relationship – a cop-out. And it physically and emotionally damages the
aggressor just as much as it does his targets. But being a doormat does all of
that, too.

If we
purpose to be “nice” – i.e., not speaking up, working overtime to avoid any
sort of potential disagreement – we cannot possibly be authentic in
relationship with others. Instead, we build an invisible wall of
self-protection that keeps people at a distance. Then we suffer from loneliness
and isolation. And we stuff negative feelings down inside ourselves when we
don’t express them, making ourselves emotionally and even physically sick. Being
“nice” is a cop-out, too. Do we really want that
for our kids?

The
solution – for our children and for ourselves – is in the middle of the
extremes. It’s the harder path, but it’s the right one.

The
Bible tells us to “be angry, and sin
not” (Ephesians 4.26), and it implores us to “speak the truthin love” (Ephesians
4.15). Likewise, Jesus described a process by which we can effectively work
through life’s unavoidable interpersonal conflicts (Matthew 18.15-16). So, just
as we should model for and teach our kids that aggression is wrong, we must
show and tell them that playing doormat is similarly wrong. And we must,
instead, be examples of and provide instruction in how to live in the balance
between grace and truth (John 1.17).

A bully
is not good. However, a child who feels he must take abuse will not want to be
good. Either she’ll eventually whither up emotionally and want to die – in
fact, she may attempt suicide – or she’ll stuff down pathological emotions from
years of being “nice” until they cannot help but explode in some way, causing
great damage to many. On the other hand, a child who is taught healthy ways to manage conflict will
learn the right balance and he’ll choose to be truly good as a result.

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