Chianca: What's that giant sucking sound?

Wednesday

May 9, 2007 at 12:01 AMMay 9, 2007 at 9:19 AM

When a holiday like Mother’s Day rolls around, journalists like myself tend to do a lot of the meticulous research we’re known for in this profession, to be sure that we wind up getting just the right gift. Either that, or we hope some publicist happens to send us something free in the mail. Well, just the other day, I looked in my mailbox at work and what did I find but two boxes of … dissolvable tobacco pieces! It’s your lucky year, Mom!

Peter Chianca/At Large

When a holiday like Mother’s Day rolls around, journalists like myself tend to do a lot of the meticulous research we’re known for in this profession, to be sure that we wind up getting just the right gift. Either that, or we hope some publicist happens to send us something free in the mail.

Well, just the other day, I looked in my mailbox at work and what did I find but two boxes of … dissolvable tobacco pieces! It’s your lucky year, Mom!

In fact, Star Scientific is apparently so eager to get the word out about its new product that it sent boxes of both dissolvable tobacco and “hard snuff” pieces to literally every editor in my office. A risky move … For the most part, these are people who don’t need any more vices.

In reading over the publicity material, it occurred to me that I’ve been woefully under-informed about the dissolvable tobacco industry. I would have thought this might be a product for someone trying to quit smoking, but no — it’s just for people who like the idea of sucking on 100 percent Virginia “StarCured” tobacco, and don’t seem particularly concerned about their tongues falling out.

Not that it isn’t better for you than smoking; according to Star’s press release, smokeless tobacco products are between 10 and 1,000 times less hazardous than smoking. It seems a little imprecise, but … what the heck! I’ll take those odds.

As for these products in particular, apparently they offer several benefits over both cigarettes and chewing tobacco:

1) No chewing or spitting, meaning you can finally turn that spittoon you keep next to your bed into a planter.

2) No inhaling, unless you want to grind them up and snort them. You know who you are.

3) It’s “smoke free and discreet,” so you can “enjoy it anywhere you want” without attracting attention. Until your tongue falls out.

(In the interest of fairness, I should mention that I know of no official studies that show your tongue falling out to be a likely side effect of sucking on dissolvable tobacco products. We probably won’t hear about those until the Senate hearings.)

Of course, I figure I shouldn’t pass judgment on dissolvable tobacco pieces, or give them as a present to my mother, without trying them myself first. I have to admit they look appealing in their snappy green box, with bouncy print promising wintergreen flavor and the words “Spit-Free” emblazoned on the front in big red letters. (Followed, incidentally, by “TM,” which would seem to indicate that Star Scientific has trademarked the concept of not spitting. What will these clever tobacco scientists think of next?)

It’s almost enough to make you overlook the messages on the side panels, about how the product may cause mouth cancer, gum disease and tooth loss, presumably not in that order. If nothing else, this gives me a good picture of what the company spokesman might look like; I’m guessing his name is Cooter.

So to start off, I pop one of the “Stonewall” hard snuff pieces and loll it around on my tongue for a little while. There’s definitely a strong wintergreen flavor, almost too strong — it tastes as if it’s working overtime to keep you from feeling like you’ve just eaten an entire cigar store Indian. Hmm … OK, it just lost that battle.

After cleansing my palate with a glass of cranberry juice and an entire Entenmann’s cinnamon bun (desperate times call for desperate measures), I’m ready to try “Ariva,” the plain dissolvable tobacco pieces. They’re a little smaller than the hard snuff, but if possible, even more wintergreen-y. They also produce a more instant tingle to the roof of my mouth, which, granted, could be the cinnamon bun. I spit it out just as I’m starting to get the sensation that I’m sucking on a tiny little cigar.

Still, even though I couldn’t get through a whole piece, as far as ways to ingest tobacco into your system go, these didn’t seem too bad. In fact, in the final analysis I would say it’s a refreshing take on the genre, and would make a fine gift for smoker and non-smoker alike.

I would say that, but I can’t, because I think my tongue just fell out.

Peter Chianca is a CNC managing editor and a regular contributor to the “The Shorelines Blog” (blogs.townonline.com/shorelines). To receive At Large by e-mail, write to info@chianca-at-large.com, with the subject line “SUBSCRIBE.”