Why People In a Bad Marriage Stay Married

At least, the reasons they give for staying married

Not infrequently, patients come to my office telling me in detail everything wrong with their marriages. These complaints are not unusual, but they are usually heart-felt. They include a whole range of misbehaviors on the part of their spouses. Sometimes there is only one serious transgression, such as a prolonged infidelity or drug use, including alcoholism. Sometimes the list can be surprisingly long. Here are some of the things they have complained about to me, in no particular order:

By the time I am presented with such a list, usually the patients have concluded that their marriages are not worth saving. But they are ambivalent. They repeatedly run through the reasons they have for leaving, as if they have to remind themselves of how serious they are. But they would like not to break up their marriages. They would like to hope that things are not so bad and that their married life is salvageable.

I have learned not to take a stand on such matters. First of all, because the patient is not likely to pay attention to me when I make one suggestion or another. The matter is too important to resolve by taking the advice of a therapist—or of friends. The second reason is that I cannot really know what is best. There are aspects of every marriage that go unremarked upon, but that are important. Still, sooner or later, I ask why, if things are so awful, the patient does not leave his, or her, spouse. This list is smaller:

For the sake of the children. (In one case, the child whose interests were being considered was 29.)

An unwillingness to give up money in a divorce action. (One man who had two million dollars lived on the income from his job. He could easily have spared one million dollars in a divorce settlement; but since his wife had never worked, he was not going to agree to her getting anything. He held on to his money at the expense of being tied to a woman he disliked.)

An unwillingness to move away from a house, the physical house, into which so much care and effort has been invested. (This feeling is not uncommon. It is as if the house itself began to symbolize everything that had gone on between its walls.)

Too much trouble. It is too late, too expensive, etc. The inability to afford a divorce is mentioned frequently.

A fear of loneliness which seems to threaten to continue indefinitely into the future.

It is this last reason, the fear of being alone forever, that seems to weigh most heavily.

But these factors also affect those individuals who do, nevertheless, proceed to a divorce. Since these men and women are not deterred, it is reasonable to think that those who do decide to remain in a bad marriage may have other hidden reasons. Still, since the reasons given above are what the patient mentions to account for putting off a decision to leave, they must be considered.

Children Some psychiatrists have said that the deleterious effects of divorce on children are so serious, that it should only be contemplated under the most dire circumstances. I do not agree. Sometimes growing up with parents that hate each other is worse. I think most therapists dealing with these issues do not think of divorce as inevitably devastating. It is worse for some children than others. Most children seem to grow up not obviously marked by the experience. Besides, when divorce is traumatic, it can often be seen, looking more closely, that that reaction was in response to the circumstances that led to the divorce and not to the divorce itself. Constant quarreling between parents is unnerving to children. I have had a number of adult patients who told me they thought their parents should have been divorced, and that growing up they had wished for them to live apart.

Money It costs more for a couple to live separately than together. And the divorce itself costs money. There is no question but that the lack of money colors aspects of divorce as it may have affected the marriage. But I see couples in dire circumstances who manage to leave their marriage anyway. It seems that when there is no alternative, a way can be found. Some of the men and women who do give financial reasons for not divorcing are actually well-off, even rich, sometimes.

Friends and Family. It is true that a divorce is likely to leave either the husband or wife estranged from their mutual friends. Often that separation from them is not what the friends would have wished. The divorced men and women pull back because of embarrassment or a sense of no longer being of interest. It is one aspect of the self-doubt that comes in the wake of a failed marriage.

What might have been a long relationship with in-laws is usually sundered and represents a real loss to the person who is leaving the marriage. In some marriages, of course, that loss represents a blessing. But definitely not in others. In-laws sometimes substitute for missing parents. But that loss need not happen. I have seen divorced men and women maintaining close relations with a former mother-in-law, or other family members, for years following the divorce. For one thing, there is a shared interest in the children/grandchildren.

If I were asked to write down the more serious reasons—the real reasons-- why someone may hesitate to end a marriage, they would include some of those mentioned above, but usually only as they reflect greater concerns:

Some people regard divorce as shameful and embarrassing. They would rather stay in an unhappy, but tolerable, relationship than acknowledge to everyone that failure.

Some people, who have always felt unattractive and unappealing, are now older and, therefore, even less attractive, they think.

Some people have a literal failure of imagination. Their married life has encompassed them, and they cannot imagine themselves away from children and friends and all the little details that make up family life.

Implicit in all the above, is the thought that there can never be anyone to love them again, that the ending of the marriage can never be followed by a new beginning. And this thought is likely to grow out of a sense of low self-esteem which may have preceded all thoughts of divorce, and may have preceded the marriage itself, and that come out of all those substantial influences that lead someone to grow up self-confident --or not.

Sometimes an unhappy marriage is salvageable and sometimes it is not. Sometimes broken marriages come together again. I know of a number of couples who married each other twice, and one couple who tried a third time. When a relationship is broken apart finally, which happens often in our society, the husband and wife continue on in their own lives. How happy each will be depends on the emotional resources each person has. The situation is not much different from that of widows and widowers. How well they do depends on how willing they are to do new things and meet new people. They have to be prepared to change in some ways. Whether that is possible will depend on their willingness to change. (c) Fredric Neuman Author of "Caring, A guide to Supportive Psychotherapy." Follow Dr. Neuman's blog at fredricneumanmd.vom/blog/ or ask advice at fredricneumanmd.com/blog/ask-dr-neuman-advice-column/

It took me over 30 years to leave a bad marriage. I had many years of therapy going over the abusive things that occurred I'm that marriage. There had been suggestions from therapists to leave throughout the years. Those suggestions were filed away and I stayed. It wasn't until I felt strong enough, on my own, that I decided to leave. It was difficult as I knew it would be to leave, as is always the case with leaving a malicious narcissist. My children were brought into anything and everything as his narcissistic rage didn't consider their vulnerabilities and fragile emotions. Ten year later, he still drags the adult children into things. It has taken much time and patience for them to understand why I left, even though they had seen how I was treated. I had to leave for my own physical and mental health. I see my older daughter in a good relationship. I wish I had the courage to leave that marriage earlier. Life is so much more peaceful and happy since I removed a toxic person from my day to day life.

Like you, I've been stuck for many years. How did you finally do it? How did you make that decision to leave? I don't know why, but I just can't pull the plug. All the reasons that are mentioned in the article apply to me (except the in-law reason); he could be describing me. Sometimes I just think I'm a coward, but I've taken reasonable chances in other areas of my life, just not in this.

It's a classic case of Tomorrow's another day or maybe Tomorrow will be better. It's going to be 28 years for me. My kids are grown up and I am tired. Compounding this fact is a mother in law who has been living with us for a couple of decades.

It's sad to stay in bad situation.It creates low selfesteem and bad opinion of oir own desition.So we leave it to fate to sort it out for us.I also regret every night my desition to get married.I am trapped in bcoz my spouse treatened me to take my child aeay if I left.So I gotta hold my desire to leave
till my kid is grown and than I would have chance perhaps.For me I tried to take steps but I was warned and I came back.What if the treat was empty I ask myself every night when I cant sleep.My desition has hunted me for years,ruined my self esteem,my energy levels are low and no drive to do much.Like I gave it all up.

I read your story and boy, sounds like mine. I have a n 18 year old and am married to an abusive malicious narcissist myself. looking for the courage to leave. What made you finally do it and file for divorce? I need a big dose of courage. so worried about my son, money, the house, etc. hope you are living a peaceful life. I would love to have that too one day. Any advice is welcome. thank you.

Oh ye of little faith. Why worry about your life? It won't add a single hour to it. Your son is old enough to understand your reasons for wanting out of the marriage. Money? Is he the bread winner? Have you no money saved for rainy days? Are you just a stay at home mom? Getting allowances from hubby or working outside the home kind of wife? Either way, there is NEVER a good enough reason to waste life away in misery. I left my ex husband without hesitation. I didn't care how old my children were or how much money was in the bank or about a damn house. I knew I can regain that all back in time. I knew there was a better life out there that I needed to start living. I went for it regardless of what anyone felt or said about me. My peace of mind, happiness and sanity came first above all else. Also, my children are at peace , thriving well and much happier. It all comes down to 'just taking that leap of faith ' and going for it full speed , not looking back!

I absolutely concur with Kim, so much so it makes me want to cry and scream for joy at the same time. I was in the same situation pretty much--lived together in hellish matrimony for 25 years. I finally mustered up the strength and courage to finally leave after doing years of research on verbal abuse. I left numerous times before but I always came back. Once I landed a decent job at the age of 53, that I felt was secure enough financially for me to make the move, I did!! I put my trust and faith in God to see me through and now I am fully divorced. It only took one year and 1 month after I left to get my divorce through a wonderful attorney and agency that helped me. I also had the full support of all seven, yes seven children ranging from 32 to 15 years old. There is no going back now...

That article is all correct observations. Cultural structures have a great impact on the marriage at the same time. I think we need to be patient in this regard. Tolerance is important in marriage. If you have kids, you need to think about their future. Divorce is a bad influence on children. Children are our future.

You owe it to YOURSELF to be happy. By staying in a marriage just because you might hurt your wife's feelings, you're not being true to yourself. You are also teaching your children that THEY should stay in an unhappy marriage. Would you want that for your kids?

I wish my boyfriend would get out of HIS marriage. They are nothing more than roommates, as stated in a response above. She is narcissistic, verbally abusive, & emotionally abusive. Her parents are "replacement" parents for him, as he had moved out of his emotionally abusive parent's house (from the fire) in to HER parent's house (the frying pan) when he was still in high school. He is NOT happy with her abusive ways. He was insecure when we met, and over the near decade that we've been together, his self esteem has improved greatly....until she found out about us. It took her nearly TEN years to find out. WHY? Because she doesn't CARE about him. In almost a decade, she never once noticed or questioned why he was in a great mood after spending a day with me. Even strictly platonic friends can tell one one of their buddies has "gotten lucky" the night before, but for a wife to not notice, it's because HIS happiness is not important enough for her to care.

Since she found out, he's been on a short leash, and she's back to isolating him not only from me, but from his friends...another form of control, including her financial abuse. Since he and I have stopped seeing each other regularly, he now has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, he's pre-diabetic, has panic attacks, can't sleep, and has lost his career. Before we were together, his career was at a standstill because of his low self esteem. In the time period that we were together, he had been promoted from sergeant to Interim Chief, and then lost the Chief title after she found out about us because he couldn't handle the stress he was under because of HER anger and belittling.

He has Stockholm syndrome, and is a victim of domestic violence. Since she found out about us, she is in the "Calm" part of the cycle of abuse. It's only a matter of time before she goes back to her old ways-the reason he finally decided to find love and happiness after she had withheld sex from him for over five years. Right now, she has a hold of his fragile psyche, and I'm going to be there for him as a friend when the time comes that he's ready to get out and be on his own for the very first time in his adult life. I'm buying a truck and a fifth wheel, so when he's ready to live alone for the first time ever, he will have a place of his own and finally have a sense of freedom-no strings attached. If we only remain friends, and not lovers, then so be it. I want him to be happy, start fresh, and start to heal.

Wait, and it never occurred to you that perhaps your overwhelmingly "difficult to manage" and constant presence in another person's marriage would erode and push these partners away from each other? I think on behalf of all married people, happy or not, It was ever really any of your business in the first place. Poor sap.

You sound as though you think you are rescuing him. Look, you are having an affair with a married man. Let him handle it, not you. You helped him with this, that, and the other. If you are so great, why are you having an affair, instead of finding your own legitimate partner in life?

Labros, I feel your pain ten times over. I was in an affair with a married man whose wife sounds similar to the one you are talking about. She uses their children over his head, she is lazy, can't keep a job and refuses to have sex with him. You are correct in your reply to these self-righteous people and their stereotypes about being the "other women" our relationship did not start off sexual but grew from having the same interest, and a common love and respect for one another. Religion plays a big part in why he will not leave his wife, due to the fact that his passion is his work in the church. This along with being manipulated about their children will keep him stuck in a loveless marriage.

I am that boyfriend in your story. Totally get it - you did a wonderful thing to pull him out of the rut in which he could have completely lost it for life!

For now I have lost my girlfriend because she had to get herself out of the picture while I dealt with my ambivalence. I have had people who have known my wife give me advice to quit, even religious minded people, I just can't seem to shake the thoughts of my 2 lovely and young daughters growing up in a split family. Their life would be turned upside down completely! And to some extent I do at times think of my wife's future alone.

I would be fucking it up for her also despite how fucked I was in the relationship very similar to the one you described above.

You are with a married man. You are making this all out to be his wife's fault when it takes two to make a marriage work! When there are plenty of single men in the world there is no excuse for being with a married man. This guy u think is so great thinks nothing of cheating on his wife, what makes u think u are so special that he wouldn't do it to u?

It sounds like you have his best interests at heart. The shamers on here I'm sure have their own relationship skeletons they wouldn't want others to know about.

Your bf sounds like he's in a difficult position, but he'd be better off getting out and having a bit of his own life to enjoy. Nobody deserves to be a victim of abuse, and people dealing with abuse need all the help they can get (whether platonic or romantic - it's usually a mess of the two anyway). You've helped him and from your account you've got the right attitude going forward. Just don't be afraid to be frank and honest with him if he's letting it drag on too long.

Being married has a profound effect on everything in life. Staying married out of a sense of obligation seems to me too high a price. For someone contemplating divorce the issue is whether that person could be happier remaining in the marriage or out of it. If the answer is, for whatever reason, out of it, I don't think any further justification is needed.

I suspect that there may be other reasons for staying in a marriage besides simply feeling guilty. They are usually some of the reasons I mention in the post. Still, assuming theoretically that that was, indeed, the only thing holding you to a marriage, I still think it's a bad idea. Spending years unhappily with someone else is not going to be good for that other person. You are likely to take it out on him in some way without even realizing that you are doing that. In this situation, both unhappy spouse are likely to develop a way of living parallel lives.Not really married, but not divorced either.

What if you are male, on her insurance (she got hired first), but simply cannot take the constant verbal and emotional abuse; her neurotic need to continue her thirty-minute rant even after you've corrected the problem? Frankly, I often think dying alone and untended, even after a few days of lying in my own filth, might be preferable to this marriage--especially now that my sons, for whom I stayed in the marriage--are grown.

The start of my relationship began when I was 16 and at times I feel my husband and I have changed and grown in to two different people he is like hot and cold it's like he wants to remain married yet he can't stand being around our kids and he continually hides his "friendships" with other women from me weather on his phone or social apps the last one happened o be my step sister.......betrayed in the worst yet I stay and still do everything in my power to make him happy ugh I feel lost how can a man love you but have complete disregard for your feelings the only time he makes an effort is when he thinks im close to leaving it's like I'm living a lie the only thing I can think is it's his pride that keeps him here he seriously hates failing

This is the boat I find myself in. I married young to someone I liked but didn't love. I hoped certain qualities would magically manifest in my spouse after we got married. Unfortunately that didn't happen (of course, this should be no surprise). Now I feel hopelessly stuck with a person who just doesn't do it for me. My reasons for not acting are multiple in the post above. I was taught divorce is shameful, I'm worried about my daughter, worried about my family and social network. I'm staying for what may be the wrong reasons --- altogether these different factors set up as nice prison walls we seem to encapsulate ourselves in when we make the wrong choice at the very beginning. Seems to happen to a lot of folks.

I’ve been in a relationship for several years, and married for just a few. My husband is at a point where ….. well lets start from the beginning.

I was a teenager when we met. Before we decided to be in a relationship, i was entertaining a few different men. He did not know of this when we first started talking, but found out once we decided to be in a relationship, however, that factor traveled into our newly budding relationship. He admits that we were not together while i was “playing the field”, but called me a cheater and a liar, and we played this game for a few years, in addition to being physically abused.

After a while, i got fed up with this treatment, and emotionally after an argument, i had a one night stand. When coming home from this, we broke up, he left, had a romantic trist with multiple females, and somehow magically we got back together, wanting to start fresh. We did, but he claims he never knew of my onenight stand, and we never really talked about it, so one year, later, we had a clear discussion about it, and it was in the open. This hurt him, and we did not fix things for another few years, causing him to again cheat and feel insecure of whether or not he could trust me, and physical argumentation continued.

After all of this,we got married a few years ago, however, during all of this time, i was told he was not in love with me, physically and emotionally abused, and had a hard time maintaining my own emotions in a respectful manner. In other words, he pushed my buttons, and i pushed his, until one or both of us would blow up, physically fight and then make up, for years.

Now, a few years into our marriage, i am just tired. He had a recent life changing event, and we had a final large argument a few years ago, that made me just sick of this circle we are moving in entirely, and while i love him with everything, i am not sure i am as in love as i “should” be with my husband. I am tired of the emotional rollercoaster. he is a great parent to our children, and has grown alot in the past few years, but not until i said i was falling out of love with him did he even make an effort to change. He “stopped” hitting me once we got married, bur really it just slowed down to every 4-6 months, we would have a large argument and things would occur.

He has not only physically abused me but verbally as well, and his excuse was just that “well i’m an asshole, accept it”. and i did. But i cannot anymore. Now that he knows how i feel he is making an effort to change. He is even working on not being an asshole. He takes care of the kids and the house more, but now we argue about when i'm gonna hurry up and feel better, and how it's my fault we have problems in our marriage, because i am too stuck on our past, even though i'm not bringing it up, and have stopped trying to talk about the issues, because he is only understanding of his own point of view on every situation, so i walk around being the yes man in some sense.

But now that he is trying to make these changes, i’m not sure if i care anymore. I know what i deserve, and he claims he does too. He has apologized for many wrongs and we actually talk about things more now rather than yelling, but still, i’m not sure i should move forward with all of the wrong he had done to me. I have forgiven him, but still carry the hurt of these things, and am not sure if i can move forward in trust and love with him. I loved someone who did not show me love, and now that he wants to try, i am considering jumping off. He says i should stay, that he can’t let me go, and that he will never be out of my life. I know he won’t in a sense because he is the father of my children, but every time he says this, i can’t help but think, i can be anywhere, i choose to be here, and i’m not even sure it’s worth the try anymore. He’s promised change millions of times before. But it happens for a few weeks and then stops. Now while physical violence has stopped, and he is not being an asshole to me everyday for now, Should i trust this change is permanent?

Even if it is, i’m not sure my heart is in this thing anymore, and kind of want to leave, but I am a christian, and that battle with how divorce is seen in God’s eyes eats at me. I know he will forgive me, but i don’t want to hurt God. However I am hurting. there is soo much bad in this relationship that i did not name, and not as much good. Things like “i only ever hit u, so what’s wrong with u” have been in my head, swirling around for years, and are still said to this day. my heart hurts. I love this man, with all my heart, but don’t need the continuous drama, pain and abuse anymore. But i love him. Does ANYONE i mean ANYONE reading this have a clue as to how i should proceed. Would u keep trying? I have not always been honest, but have been for years, have not cheated since the one night stand BEFORE we got married, and have supported him when NO ONE else even in his own family would. I have been there as a true backbone, and rarely recieved the same in return. He is a good person at heart, but i don’t know if i can take this anymore.

I guess out of this entire situation my real question is what constitutes real change, and should i trust in him, or move on? What would you do, or what have you already done?

I know no one can make this decision for me, but i would like to see an opinion outside of my self. I don't have many friends or family to talk to about this at all.

I am not sure that there is a "right" answer. The "right" answer has to do with your feeling about the situation.

If he is trying to change as you say, I would ask myself what is motivating him to change? If you feel secure in the motivation, then that may help you to trust that the change is a long-term change. Ask yourself what motivates him? If you see it as the cause for the change, then go forward and try. Physical abuse is something that should not occur, nor verbal abuse. Those are definitely deal breakers. Also, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone if you love him. God, and the bible, don't condone being in a marriage where the wife is physical abused, or put down, or called names meant to hurt. The bible says that a husband should love his wife as God loves the Church. I hope this helps you. You are not going to be perfect. Make the best decision that you can.

I'm in the same boat as you are, except i'm the husband and my wife has been verbally and physically abusing me. The only difference is she has an eating disorder and we have been trying to get help for the past 2.5 years now, but nothing has worked. Now when I finally decided enough is enough and I moved out, she has promised everything under the sun to get me back. Right now I'm just sitting and waiting not knowing what to do, but we have only been married for 3.5 years... Is now the time to start all over, but I don't even know what the first step would be to do that.

i will like to share my testimony to you all.i just got married to my husband about a year ago we start having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed,fighting about little things he always comes home late at night,drinking too much and sleeping with other women out side.i have never love any man in my life except him.he is the father of my children and i don't want to loose him because we have worked so hard together to become what we are and have today.few month ago he now decided to live me and the kid,being a single mother can be hard sometimes and so i have nobody to turn to and i was heart broken.i called my mom and explain every thing to her,my mother told me about DR MOMODU how he helped her solve the problem between her and my dad i was surprise about it because they have been without each other for three and a half years and it was like a miracle how they came back to each other.i was directed to DR MOMODU and explain everything to him,so he promise me not to worry that he will cast a spell and make things come back to how we where so much in love again and that it was another female spirit that was controlling my husband.he told me that my problem will be solved within two days if i believe i said OK.So he cast a spell for me and after two days my love came back asking me to forgive him.i Am so happy now. so that why i decided to share my experience with every body that have such problem contact him email. drmomoduspelltemple@yahoo.com OR drmomoduspelltemple@hotmail.com or his website is http://drmomoduspelltempl.wix.com/http

I feel trapped within my relationship. Due to my partner's ED we haven't had a sexual relationship in years so I now see a MM for intimacy. I'd love to leave and start afresh but there's no way my partner would agree for us to go out separate ways by agreeing to sell our home and share the equity. I cannot afford to move out as I don't have enough money to find all the costs and pay rent. I feel truly trapped and I feel time is passing by. It makes me feel miserable inside. I envy people who can afford to leave and start over. I fear I'll live forever without love.

Perhaps for many, it is best to stay in an unusual marriage. I'm 57 , married 31 years. My husband hasn't touched me in 28 years. Even before it was once a year at best. We've never cheated. We have no children and absolutely no support system. No family and no friends. We do have five rescue dogs that depend on us. One of us works and one is disabled. Our dogs mean everything to us. Financially we are dependent on each other. We have not traveled or had any kind of vacation since the early 1990's . Now that our lives are almost over, we both are drawing further apart and seem to think about our regrets and resentment a lot more. We did not do right by each other - not by a long shot. But it's too late now anyway. This fantasy of divorce and a happier future is delusional . I tried to find someone who could help me cope with the remainder of my life, but everyone simply advocates divorce and or long-term therapy. My husband probably won't live another five years and then I will be totally alone except for the dogs - who I love unconditionally and will never give up. I do not want to bother trying to build a support system. I tried for decades to make friends. I either became a doormat trying to make people like me, or be myself - and no one liked me. I am just one of the thosands of people that don't fit into the mainstream. Better to stay in a intimate-free sort of loveless marriage than be alone. After he is gone I don't know how I will cope. Loveless doesn't mean uncaring. I don't believe in 'someone for everyone'

Omg you are an amazing person. You have sacrificed so much for someone you clearly care deeply for. To forgo intimacy for that amount of time must have been very hard for you. To hear how alone you feel breaks my heart. Unfortunately it seems you are aware that loss is not far away and the thought of loniness is scaring you. Please dont be scared or believe that you are destined to be alone because passion and love is out there sometimes you have to put yourself out there even when you deeply fear being hurt or even regected.
My nana who was over 70 lost her husband very young and made friends with a man whos wife was disabled and eventually lived in a nursing home. I am not quite sure how intimate they were but I remember asking her about thier relationship. She said he dearly loves his wife and always will but you need to feel wanted and share special moments with someone. He never left his wife and stood by her until she passed away. He loved her dearly but did not want to be alone either. No two relationships are ever the same whilst divorce maybe an option for some does not mean its what is good for you but it saddens me that you believe that there is not a special person out there for you. Your passion for your dogs is a lovely trait and I bet there is like minded people out there for you to met even just for friendship. Please do not think because you are 57 that you are not worthy to love again and have the chance to share moments in your life with someone special... I truly hope that you can find the strength to allow yourself to be intimate again and live the remainder of your life not feeling so alone and disconnected from love. I truly hope you know just how special you both are and the commitment you have shown each other is an amazing.

When I was 14, I fell in love with someone. I thought about her everyday ... wanted to be with her forever. I grew up in a large, traditional family where my dad had(has) final say on everything. Despite that, I had a truly happy, united upbringing. I loved my mom to bits. That said, I had always felt my dad was heavy-handed with my mom. I feel that translated to me "loving" this person I met beyond normal. I wanted to be with her at all cost. We dated for sometime ... but she always played her cards well. She never let me get too close (she would never let me go either).

Years later (10+ years) we married. Despite the fact that we hadn't seen each other for many years, I jumped in proposed to marry her a day after our reunion. At this point I had graduated from a top university and was doing my PhD. The intense feelings I had for her, however, never (ever) left me. She said yes, we got married a month later.

Few months into our marriage, we started having issues. Of course I NEVER contemplated separation ... or even the possibility of separation. I unquestioningly believed a honest conversation can fix anything ... I mean anything. I was ready to comprise on anything to make the relationship work -- at all costs.

We have now been married for 15 years. We have come very close (filed and withdrew) to a divorce twice already. What's clear is this: my wife grew up in an abusive family. She is incapable of talking over things. She absolutely believes marriage is a war, and you are either on top, or you are on the bottom being abused. She would never compromise on anything, never apologize, never backdown. Never approach me if I am down. She has no emotions ... sex is something she must do but rather not.

I have always been ready to accept that about here and live and raise our children (children she never really wanted to have). But she also has a sever reclusive behavior ... no friends or family she is close to. She has been unwilling to work for a long time. She is unwilling to help with children activities ... and considers her only responsibility as the mom is cherishing the time she has with them (by way of cuddling with them on the couch all day --- i mean this literally). She fights/argues in front of the kids (I would have to beg her to go to another room to discuss).

To make matters worse, she is ultra religious -- with an offshoot of Protestantism. The fact that extended family is aware of her family's abusive relationship makes her runaway from everyone and attend churches far away -- far way so that she has no tie with church members. The thing about her religion is that it is only used as a means to start a fight with me. She has never lived the principles. She calls me things. Even swears. She has treated to hit me. She bad mouths me in front of others.

I am not religious ... but have been wiling to go to her church (even got baptized). Willing to let my kids follow her religion over the last 10+ years.

Here I am ... successful, intelligent, a scientist. Outgoing and friendly. Dedicated to my kids. I am intelligent enough to recognize this marriage is not going to last ... I am not going to enter my sunset years with this woman. The best case scenario is we raise our kids till they finish high school. Yet I strongly believe in relationships. In having a woman by my side .. to give and receive. To share life.

I am stuck in my own mind. The truth is what I am looking for isn't even "divorce now." I am struggling to understand myself ... why can't I do what "I" want. Why can't I start living the life I want. Why can't I show my kids who I really am ... instead of endlessly bending to her ever changing, unreasonable, detrimental desires. It kills me when I think about how much I've already hurt my kids ... I don't own her anything. NOTHING. Yet, I am trapped in my own mind.

I would like to say something useful to you, but without really knowing you and your wife, I am reduced to generalities. Still, it seems to me that the principal problem you are having is imagining that you cannot be with someone else. No matter how much someone is in love, (and in your case, persistent), it is not endless. Surely, you can find someone else who is more of a partner.

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I am not married but live as though I am and have been under the same roof with my mate for over 7 years. I have been traumatized by everything that has occurred throughout my relationship. I haven't the physical or mental strength to move out and forward. I have done everything completely. I've paid all the bills because his job was inconsistent. I've been unable to purchase a home on my salary alone in our neighborhood because of the former and his negative credit. I've walked and called cabs for my children and I whenever we needed to go places because he was using the car to work his supplement job. And so now the first thing to shut down in my body that feels numb is my desire to have sex. I am unable to be aroused or find enjoyment in any part of it. Years of continuous negative health repercussions due to ongoing infidelity by my mate has rendered me lifeless. I'm a shell of a person and breathe because of my children. I will not know what it is like to be married because I no longer desire what has always been elusive to me. I do not fear what will be if I left or that I'll be alone. In fact being alone when I find the strength to part is what I'd rather be. I don't want an after. My decision to leave will grant me the gift of being alone.