Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Abba

I've heard people familiarize their relationship with God as a grander, more abstract paternal bond. It makes sense on one hand, that God, Abba, Father, would seem to us much like our earthly dads, but then it doesn't add up for me. I never knew my dad, don't have even one memory of him. Does that make God absent for me?

Lack of "religion" in my early years was really not a curse. Though many heart wrenching mistakes were made that may have been prevented with a stronger moral code, they are what brought me to a place of humility that God himself used to make His way in. In the same way, growing up without a father meant that the idea of Abba was new and fresh to me, I have no hurt feelings or regrets when it comes to Him because I have no real "daddy issues." To me, God is real, and strong and full of love and grace and openness. I can talk to him knowing that He is content just to know that I approach him with my whole self, that He doesn't judge or condemn my words but rather, is overjoyed that I took the time to bring them before Him. The only kink in this is that having an emotional bond with God is constantly trying, it nudges at me incessantly and I can't seem to make any headway.

I fight with myself and my own judgment of those women whose love for the Lord is fierce and tearful. I, all in one breath, envy and doubt their passion. I ache for such a connection but just can't seem to let myself believe that theirs is true and genuine as opposed to a charade. This is one more brick from my wall of sin that seems mortared so deep as to be impenetrable. I find it true of so many relationships as well. Even in my marriage I go to bed feeling as if there is a deeper connection Corey and I are meant to have, would have, if I would just choose not to hold back. Maybe that is a whole other post in and of itself.

In writing this I empty the contents of my deepest pocket of regret. I also realize that to admit it is to begin to change, to look hard at myself and my shortcomings that I might one day pull out a victory rather than another coin for the fountain of who I'm not supposed to be. God doesn't want me to feel that I don't feel enough, He wants me to be free. God as my father. Wanting my happiness above all else, for in that state, I am of most value.