Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Re-Group

I'm nervous. Tomorrow is my hysteroscopy with the new doc to make sure everything is A OK in Uterusville. Then, the FET consult. Dates. Drugs. I don't know if I'm ready for this. We don't even know if FET is the thing to do. Maybe we should just start all over with fresh eggs? But can I go through all that stress of the unknown and fun life and death decisions? Can I leave my babies in frozen suspension forever?

On the bright side, I joined a new support group today and did not have a trauma reaction after telling my story. Whoo hoo! I practiced the techniques my trauma therapist gave me in which I cycled my nervous system. I could actually feel the cycling as I sensed into my feet and toes as I felt the intensity of the emotion rise up. I felt myself trembling to let off some of the energy. The night is still young, and sometimes the reaction is delayed, so we shall see. Maybe I'll have one big massive trauma meltdown in the doc's office. Nah. I usually can dissociate enough to make it through, though I may walk into some walls or some such delirious behavior. Can't I just stick red hot pokers in my eyes instead? It sounds so much more sooooothing.

I did figure out that some of my craziness this past weekend, in addition to the full moon induced lunacy, was a stuck trauma reaction. I think I was having this energy come up that wanted to move through. I was soooo angry. Then, I would crying for no apparent reason, just because it felt good. Magic wanted me to tell him what was going on. I said I didn't want to talk about it. The truth was, I didn't have an answer and was annoyed that I didn't know what was going on.