Saturday, March 01, 2008

It never goes away.

CJ dancingToo much lovin'"We're not doing anything"

Too cuteSo sweetPretty girlMommy's princess

The magic question in the minds of many adoptive parents is "will it ever go away, can I love the pain away and get my child to the point where they are no longer affected by the past?" The answer, a simple NO. Now, this is not to say that all is doomed. In fact, I believe that I have come to a point in my life where happiness abounds. I have a great husband, two amazing children that I get to stay home with, we are in the process of building our new home, and God is central in our lives. I feel so blessed and thankful. And yet, I have been dealing with some very difficult emotional things lately. I finally talked it out with my Mom and came to the realization that in the midst of all the amazing things going on in my life, they all still represent change and change is scary for all adopted children. Notice I say children here. Regardless of the fact that I am almost 28 years old, when it comes to change in my life, I see myself as that terrified child surrounded by police while my birth mom has overdosed and a social worker must take me into an emergency placement, AWAY from my brothers. I see myself as that scared little girl who is being forced to leave the only woman who had taken care of her and her brothers, because a stranger in another state wanted them. I become the eleven yeard old girl in a new state with a new mother and no idea how long this would last. I revert back to that little girl so fast it could make your head spin. Now, theoretically I know that I am not that little girl. I know that I can and will handle change with strengh and support from many. The thing that bothers me is that even when it is a good change, like building our new home on our land, the very thought of being "rootless" for even a minute sends me into weirded out mode. I'm not talking about losing it here, just memories coming back, a little touch of sadness here and there and an overall sense of loss that I seem to be stuck in right now. I am so happy about our new house and the exciting things going on with us right now. At the same time, I find myself holding my ten month old daughter and feeling an sense of sadness, knowing that I was once that little and helpless , and had no mother to hold me or comfort me. I think that the fact that my daughter looks at me with MY eyes (people say she's my twin) makes it all the more real to me. I was telling my Mom that that little girl feels like a lifetime ago, and yet she can come back to me at any time, with vivid memories of abuse and neglect that can rip off my once healing scabs. So, no it never goes away. Some of us adopted kids can and do live with it all tucked away and lead very successful, happy lives. Others, unfortunately cannot move past it. I do not have an answer for who makes it and who doesn't. I do know that in both categories live adults who, with a smell or touch or familiar song, can revert back to scared kids in need of someone to tell them it will all be alright.

6 Comments:

I was just discussing this with my oldest, she is 11. She is still very angry at how her first parents treated her but is unable to express or even connect her emotions. We were talking about consequences for their actions and she feels they should spend time in jail b/c what they have done will effect her in one way or another for the rest of her life. She will (hopefully) learn to deal with things but she is forever a different person, they should have to pay for this.

Please keep blogging, it means so much to our kids to see an adult that has made it through, yet still remembers.

If only 1,000 other mothers saying "I'm so sorry, beautiful girl. I love you precious child" could earase all those memories. Not only for you and your siblings Yolie, but for so many children around the world. I am so thankful you have your wonderful Chuck and your gorgeous children to fill your heart with love and blessings and tight hugs. I enjoyed the photos of your beautiful children, from your son's sturdy little legs and barefeet mid dance step, to your daughter's deep, brown eyes. Prayers for continued healing and the deep assurance that God has always loved you and will always be there for you.nancy in Iowa

Yolie, thanks for writing. I read your latest post to my sister Linnea who is having a really hard time right now. She's 16, was adopted at 10, and grew up in a really turbulent and abusive situation in Russia. She and I have been talking a lot lately about the longterm effects of abuse and other things on kids, and it's really helpful to be able to turn on the computer and find writings from (now grown up) kids who know what they're talking about. Thanks.

I am so glad I found your mom's blog today and thru hers , yours. We are hoping to adopt a little girl in Ohio and I hope to learn much by reading blogs of those who've btdt, like you and your mom. Thank you for sharing so honestly, it touched my heart.

Your post "It never goes away." has new meaning for me this week. My husband and I completed 3 intense days of Parent Adoptive Training this past week and weekend. We are adopting from the foster care system in Texas as your mother Cindy did. I have read your post a number of times.

During our training at the Gladney Center, my birth place, you blog kept coming to mind. Your way of explaining the hurt and how in a split second you are back emotionally in El Paso TX, I hope will help me when I need to hold my child as they grieve.

Thank you for your writing and I hope soon you will have a new post. Meg - Frisco TX

ps.I have started to read your mother blog from the begenning as part of my "education" process. She has a way with words, I fell like I am there sitting on her shoulder in the garden.

I am just now catching up with this, Yolie. I am going to get my 16 year old daughter to read it. She is just now starting to process emotionally all the neglect and abuse she suffered before I adopted her at 13. Your story is honest AND inspirational. I wish you would write a book!Dee