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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)

When Under Stress, Do you Fight, Flight, or Freeze?

Uploaded: Mar 18, 2016

While we are human beings capable of thinking, many of our reactions do not come from our thinking, or cortical, brain. They come from our limbic, or emotional, brain.

We still exist as a species because of this. Threat is perceived in 1/200th of a second, and our physiology changes in an instant so that we can fight, flight, or freeze for survival.
It's not bad or wrong that this happens; it's hardwired into us. It's what we do with it that determines how we recover equilibrium internally and interdependently.

We still need this limbic ability to react; we slam on our brakes while driving, return to the curb to prevent being run over, and so on. While we're not going to be eaten by a lion here in Silicon Valley (at least not an actual one), there are threats we perceive nonetheless.

The same part of the brain (limbic/emotional) gets activated by interactions with people, too. So when we feel, experience, or perceive a threat from a person such as our partner or boss, we react in 1/200th of a second (we can learn ways to respond once the reaction goes by).

When a poor interaction happens with your beloved, do you fight, flight, freeze?
For the fight or flight reacting people, it takes 20 to 30 minutes to recover once their heart rate has gotten to 90 or above per minute. For the freeze person, it may take much longer.

It's okay to take a break when you’re activated; hopefully you can tell your partner you'll come back in 20 to 30 minutes. But do come back and make a repair. No one wants to be walked out on in the middle of a disagreement without knowing you’re coming back and approximately when.

While taking a break, do something calming or that you enjoy such as listening to music, running, or writing in a journal, etc. Try not to ruminate on what a %#&* you think your partner was (that won't help your brain or physiology calm down).

Now that your cortical, thinking brain is back on line, come back to the person you love, the one you chose, and reach out for repair. Find out what you can learn about one another. Be curious. You might begin with: "That didn't go well, let's try again . . . "