Tuesday, August 21, 2012

This post is dedicated to my friends the Montgomerys. Below you will find a letter they sent to their family late last week, explaining that while their son is gay, not much of anything else has really changed: They still love their Savior, they're still active Mormons, and they still love their son--the same way they always did.

It is my hope that other parents of Mormon LGBT children out there see this and realize it is possible--very possible--to love your child unconditionally, keep them safe from health risks, and still remain true to your faith. In fact, I think this is one of the truest representations of our faith there is--putting into action the principle that our family is first, our children are precious, and no other success can compensate for failure in the home.

I think my favorite part is how this helps dispel the illusion that you have to choose between your church and your child. Kudos to the Montgomerys for not allowing anyone to force them into that horrible Sophie's Choice.

Enjoy the read from my new friends--and my new heroes. And pay special attention to the postscript from their son at the end--that's a message we all need to hear.

_______________________________________________________________

To
all our friends and family, we feel that it’s time share something that
has been a significant experience in our lives. Many of you already
know this, or may have heard secondhand, so we wanted you to hear it
directly from us (Tom and Wendy): our oldest son, Jordan, is gay. You
may wonder why we would share this information (and of course it’s with
Jordan’s permission). We will explain, but first we want to share our
experience through some excerpts from Wendy’s journal.

BEGINNING OF EXCERPTS FROM WENDY’S JOURNAL:

On
the last Sunday in January, I stayed home from church with my daughter,
Emma, who was sick. Tom took the other 4 kids to church with him.
They weren’t even gone 5 minutes before I had a strong feeling to go
read Jordan’s journal. That feeling came twice before I acted on it.
(Jordan started keeping a journal as a Duty to God requirement a couple
weeks before this.) I’m not sure I can adequately describe my feelings
as I read the things my sweet son wrote. The entries clearly portrayed
his conflicted feelings of being attracted to other guys, and not
feeling anything towards his friends that are girls. He knew he was
different, that there was something “wrong” with him.

The
next day I drove down to visit my brother who is a Bishop in his ward
and has had some gay teens in his ward. I also stayed with my sister
for a couple days. I was afraid to come home and be around Jordan until
I knew I could control my emotions and tears. Tom is much better
controlling his emotions and was able to be around Jordan without him
sensing that anything was wrong. I didn’t want Jordan to know that we
knew yet and that we had read his journal because if that was the only
way I could find out what was going on with him, I didn’t want that
window shut.

Tom
and I met with our Bishop that week and talked with him about what to
do. He referred us to LDS Family Services to see a counselor about it.
In the meantime, we had several talks with Jordan, trying to let him
know that he could talk to us about anything, we would love him and
accept him no matter what, and so on. We were hoping he would open up
and talk to us about it, but he didn’t.

After
a few weeks, we decided that we couldn’t wait any longer for him to
come out to us on his own. So Tom gave Jordan a Priesthood blessing
that night after the other kids were in bed. It was a beautiful,
powerful blessing. Afterward, Jordan sat next to me on the bed and I
just hugged him. Tom looked at Jordan and said, “Jordan, I feel like I
need to ask you something. Are you struggling with feelings of
homosexuality?” I felt Jordan start to tremble and cry. Then he
nodded. He looked absolutely terrified. Jordan just clung to me, for
almost 2 hours. We told him how much we love him, how this changes
NOTHING of how we feel for him. We accept him completely and will help
him through this.

I
have come to learn that how we handled that moment was an exceptional
“coming out” for a gay teenager. Many (including LDS teens) are
disowned, kicked out of their home, screamed at, had hateful, awful
things said to them, etc. I can’t imagine EVER feeling like that
towards one of my children. But I know it was a tender mercy of the
Lord that we had a couple weeks of knowing before this moment, so we
could get a handle on our own difficult emotions and not experience the
shock that so many parents do when their kids come out to them.

There
is no way to adequately explain how we feel, the emotions we are going
through, or what we need to do to cope with all of this, all while
trying to hold it together enough for our other 4 kids. I didn’t know
it was possible to cry so much, to have emotional pain be so intense
that it becomes physical pain, to grieve over someone who wasn’t dead. I
feel like I am mourning the loss of the life I wanted for my son, and
thought he would have: a mission, temple marriage, being a father. It
was as though the boy I raised was gone and I had to get to know this
new boy. He was different now, but still the same. Such a confusing
place for me! I have read and studied this subject in the Church so
much that I have a very good idea of what his life will be like as a gay
LDS man. If he chooses to stay true to the teachings of the gospel,
then he will have a life of loneliness and celibacy. Never having a
companion or someone to love breaks my heart for him. If he chooses to
leave the Church and live an openly gay life, then he gives up the
blessings associated with the Church. He will likely pull away from his
family because it will be awkward for him (even though we will try to
not make it so).

My
poor son! This is an impossible situation, with no good solution in
this life. He is only 13, and most 13-year olds are not looking that
far into their future. But as his parents, we know this. And it is an
excruciating thing. But he is STILL that wonderful, amazing, happy,
always smiling, enthusiastic boy he has always been. He is STILL the
child I have loved the longest, my first-born, and will forever love
regardless of what happens with this or what choices he makes.

END JOURNAL EXCERPTS

So
why are we sharing this with you now? Our belief is that the choices
before Jordan are both unfair and horrible. They are complicated by
both ignorance of fundamental facts and the polarizing political world
surrounding gay issues. Wendy, in particular, has made it her mission
to be as educated on the subject as possible. She has studied both
scientific research on it and read church leaders’ statements on
same-sex attraction, which in recent years has evolved significantly.
She has read and listened to the experiences of hundreds of LDS gay men
and women. She has also waded through the majority of political,
hate-filled misinformation out there. She loses sleep regularly in her
search for answers and help for Jordan. Every spare minute she has is
devoted to this. From all her study and from our discussions with
Jordan, I would like to share with you some of the important things we
have learned:

(1) Being gay is not a choice.
Science and psychology have recognized this for a long time, and even
the church has come to recognize this in recent years. I have read some
of the scientific research (mostly from Bill Bradshaw, a BYU biology
professor and former mission president), which is quite compelling. But
more compelling than the science is the experience and testimony of
numerous faithful LDS gay people, including Jordan. They sincerely tell
us that they never chose to be attracted to the same sex; in fact many
have tried in various ways to ignore it, fight it or change it – but it
doesn’t go away. Moreover, why would an honest, faithful young man or
woman ever choose to be gay in our church and suffer the shame, guilt
and rejection that too often come with it? Those who doubt this
proposition should ask themselves, did I ever have to make a conscious
decision to like and be attracted to the opposite sex, or was it natural
and instinctive? Likewise, it is natural and instinctive for those who
are attracted to the same sex.

(2) Sexual orientation doesn’t change.
Again, numerous studies and the experience of numerous faithful LDS gay
people can’t be ignored. As Bill Bradshaw observes, “honesty compels
us to consider the experience of a very large number of LDS gay people,
who in spite of exhaustive, lengthy, and totally sincere efforts have
not been able to change the fact of who they are sexually. A testimony
of the gospel, faithful church activity, fasting, prayer, missionary
service, temple service – all of these are important, but none, in any
combination, has been able to alter sexual orientation.” Any doubters
should ask themselves, is there anything that would cause me to lose my
feelings towards the opposite sex and be attracted to members of the
same sex?

(3) Being gay is not just about sex
- any more than being heterosexual is just about sex. Gay people are
no different than straight people when it comes to relationships. Like
all human beings, they desire emotional, spiritual and physical
attachment. They feel the same compulsion to fall in love, find a
companion and share their life with someone. The desire for physical
intimacy is just one aspect of the spectrum of feelings and emotions
that humans, whether gay or straight, experience in a relationship.

As
we learned these things, we have become comfortable with who Jordan is;
and we no longer feel a need to hope for things that cannot happen.
For whatever purpose the Lord has, a certain number of people are faced
with same sex attraction. This does not change the fact that Jordan
will need to choose how to live with being gay, but it
circumvents a lifetime of petitioning the Lord for something that will
never happen and focus his choices on how to live now. He can move
forward secure that he is as the Lord made him and not a broken or
wicked person. Our hope is that he continues to build his faith in the
Savior and that he can find happiness in the Church, and we will do
everything we can to assist in creating a place for gay people in the
Church.

The
points outlined above should help secure our compassion and empathy for
those who are gay. There has been too much pain and suffering,
mistreatment and rejection – all because of ignorance, fear and
misunderstanding. This isn’t a political effort to get you to vote one
way or another, but as long as this subject is taboo and people are too
afraid or intimidated to speak about it, then young gay people in the
church will continue to suffer. Today in the Church (and our
communities) there is bullying, fear and self-loathing – even suicide.
We will continue to lose too many wonderful gay men and women (and often
their families) because they feel unwanted and unwelcome among us.

This
should not happen in our Church. This is why Wendy and I have decided
that we can no longer be silent, closeted parents. We don’t want to be a
part of the problem. We want all gay people, particularly that young
man or woman in our midst who is silently suffering with nowhere to
turn, to know that we love them and support them. We are there for them
and for their family if they need help, encouragement or
understanding. The Church at this time has no official outreach or
instruction on this subject, other than a few statements over the years
and a pamphlet. Local leaders are mostly left on their own on how to
counsel gay members. Among other things, Wendy and I have spoken with
our local church leaders about our willingness to be a resource to help
educate fellow members and especially to help individuals and families
who just need someone to talk to. There shouldn’t be one member of our
Church who thinks it is the Church’s position that they should turn
against their children, throw them out of their homes or shun them.
This is the opposite of what Christ would do.

Here is our final point:

To
be members of the church in full fellowship, gay members must make a
sacrifice of supreme proportions. They are not allowed to fall in love,
show physical affection, or be married to those to whom they are
naturally attracted. They are required to be completely celibate. Being
gay is not like having a disability, as some have tried to tell me. Gay
people are capable of living and loving like everyone else. A disabled
person is never told that they are not worthy of God’s choicest
blessings, they always have hope and admiration. As do single women in
the church, who are progressing in years without a prospective husband
on the horizon. Again, they have hope, support, and love. Our church is
all about the eternal family and the only group of people who have no
hope of attaining this are homosexuals. To deny a Latter-Day-saint this
goal is to strip them of their very reason for being. So, no, nothing
can compare.

To
give it a personal perspective, if you were told that you could not
marry or that you had to give up your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend in
order to retain your membership in the church, how would you choose?
Thankfully, most of us don’t have to make such a difficult decision, but
most gay people do. And because falling in love and having someone to
share your life with is such a major part of our earthly experience (and
a major focus of the church), the great majority of gay people at some
time or another choose that path. We have heard statistics that say up
to 80% of gay children leave the Church.

Our
only purpose in bringing up this point is so that we might have an
extra measure of empathy and compassion for our gay brothers and
sisters. Many of us, Wendy and I included, gave of our time and
resources fighting for prop 8 in California, but have we spent one
moment of our time to reclaim or show love to some of these rejected
souls? And we wonder why our efforts are perceived as hate. We should
welcome them with open arms into our congregations with love and
acceptance, no matter their status or circumstances. We are simply
asking that we love them as the Savior does. Love Jordan as you always
have. This does not require any doctrinal changes or threaten the
sanctity of marriage. It might just make us all a bit more Christ-like.

While
this has probably been too wordy already, there are many things that
have been left unsaid. If you have any questions, please feel free to
talk to us. Also, feel free to share this letter with anyone you feel
may benefit from our story.

With love,

Tom and Wendy Montgomery

P.S from Jordan:
I wanted to say something to you guys. Many of you know that we went to
San Francisco this past weekend. It was one of the best experiences of
my life. We went to a conference for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and
transgender people (LGBT). They are wonderful and amazing people who
have been so devastated and hurt by what society and their families have
said and done to them. Some were thrown out of their homes, others
beaten, and some lost everything when they came out. I don’t want this
to keep happening. I and my parents are only the start of something that
can take the blinders off of people’s eyes and let them see that we
should all just love and accept each other for who we are. I’ve been
bullied a lot by people at my school and previous schools. That bullying
can drive people to suicide, cutting themselves, and all these awful
things that I would never throw on anyone for as long as I live. All I’m
asking of you is that you love and accept EVERYONE. Not just gays and
lesbians, but EVERYONE.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

On the weekend of August 11, 2012, we held the third "Circling the Wagons" Mormon LGBT conference here in San Francisco. There, I had the great honor to meet the Montgomerys--a solid, kind, Mormon family from California with a young gay son.

At the conference, Tom Montgomery, the father, shared this poem he'd written about his son. I share it here with his permission.

What a great Dad--thank you, my Savior. Please send more like Tom. Fathers like him make the world a better place for all of us.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I've remarked before what a lucky guy I am to serve with the leadership team I have. And here's more evidence, in case you had any doubts before. Matt Mosman is our San Francisco Stake High Councilman, and an all around articulate, kind, and great guy.

The talk he delivered at Circling the Wagons left many teary-eyed, myself included. Matt is another guy I am honored to call my friend.

Enjoy.

___________________________________________________________

Learn to Labor and to Wait

Circling the Wagons Conference, in San
Francisco, CA

8/12/12

Thank you very much for asking me to be a part of this
program.I can’t tell you how happy it
makes me to see people gathering in support of gay Mormons.I love the Mormon church, and I have so many
friends that I love so much who are gay.Like any follower of Christ, I am a supporter of love and friendship and
acceptance and understanding, so this is a great event, as far as I’m
concerned.

I feel it is my duty to point out, to begin with, that I
firmly believe that the main issue in the gay community is not the set
of difficulties placed on them by those outside the community.No, it is the truly terrible acronyms.LGBTQ/SSA?C’mon.You’re telling me that
roughly 7% of the population is gay, and nobody’s in marketing?

Like some of you, I am an active member of the LDS
church.I believe that the Book of
Mormon is divinely inspired, I believe in Joseph Smith as the prophet of the
restoration, and I believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet today who
receives divine guidance.My current
church calling is as a high councilor in the San Francisco Stake.For those of you who are not members of the
LDS church, that sounds like a much bigger deal than it is.It is literally true that the average traffic
cone exercises more authority than I do.In short, though: I have no major axe to grind with the LDS church, and
I don’t speak for the church in any way in these remarks.Like all of the rest of you, I’m not here to
pick a fight.

But, well...I’m here.I’m here because I have great friends and family members who are Mormon
and gay, and I wish they didn’t have to struggle the way that they do.I’m here because I’ve watched good things
come into people’s lives in the Bay Area, not because we’ve innovated on
church doctrine, which we absolutely have not, but just because we’ve tried to
open up the culture of a few wards.Frankly, because we’ve tried to make those wards more Christian places
to worship than many wards seem to be.And I’m here because I think every ward can and should be like that.

I’d like to spend a little time today talking primarily to
members of the LDS church, but what I’d like to talk to them about is
what I believe are common misconceptions about the church’s actual policies and
positions with respect to LGBT people, and about how I think members of the
church can use the correct positions to be far more welcoming to gay
people in their congregations.I’ll talk
about two things, really: first, about the correct positions on church
disciplinary councils, and second, about the church’s position on choice as
it relates to LGBT people.I hope that
those of you who have no current affiliation with the church can glean
something good from what I have to say, as well, even if it is only some
comfort to your broken heart.

I want to begin, though, with a brief diversion on a couple
of things I heard at yesterday’s sessions: First, l was really distressed
yesterday to hear that the Montgomerys had been advised by a church leader to
seek for their son re-orientation therapies from groups that are known to
practice types of aversion therapies that -- I want to make this clear -- the
church has specifically counseled against.I know it’s not just the Mongomerys -- in fact, I know that this
occurred with many of you in this room --, and that distresses me even more.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
made this very clear in 2006. In a widely-published interview, he suggested
that we simply do not know whether or not any therapy is likely to change
anyone’s orientation, and that the church has no particular position on
conversion therapies generally.But he
specifically acknowledged that aversion therapies have “contained some serious
abuses,” and he made it clear that the church wants no part of those abusive
therapies.

Churches tell us that sex is not to be taken lightly, and
they are not wrong.Where they often
miss is that they fail to take that statement both ways.It is not to be trivialized by silly
immaturity, engaging in sex willy-nilly.Of course.But it is also not to
be trivialized by pretending that a practice that contains within it the possibility
of forever traumatizing a person with respect to sexuality is not the
embodiment of evil.

Second, on nomenclature, and this is the only point where
I’ll outright say that I’d like the church and its members to make a change:
the church seems to encourage people to refer to LGBT people as people who
“suffer” from “same-sex attraction.”I
don’t believe that most Mormons understand that the term “same-sex attraction”
is diminutive and offensive.I think we
don’t grasp that.It reduces a gay
person’s feelings for a partner, which are as rich and varied as yours and mine
are with our spouses and which involve feelings of connectedness and a shared
life, to “attraction.”The term tries to
make it all about sex.I’ve joked with
friends that if you were to continually try to contend that what I feel for
Shantele is sexual attraction and nothing more, eventually you’d be coughing up
some tooth fragments.I wish we would
reconsider the use of terms that trivialize the gay experience or make it all
about sex or attraction.

Okay.On to what I
really wanted to talk about:

It will be very difficult to get the LDS church membership to
be more welcoming of gay members if nearly all LGBT people leave the
church.And many of them do not attend
for a perfectly good reason, so I want to start for a moment on the elephant in
every Sunday School room where an LGBT man or woman chooses to go: Will I be
excommunicated from this church that I love because I’m gay?

I want to acknowledge that sitting here we have people who
have had just that happen to them.I’m
so happy that you’re here, demonstrating at least a measure of connection
toward the church, if that has happened to you.I would say that to anyone who has been excommunicated, for any
reason.It’s hard to retain that
connection.It takes a special person to
be here anyway.Thank you for that.

I want here to take a step to the side to address for the
larger audience the entire concept of church discipline, since not every
listener will be a member of my church.First, I want to point out that the church has every right to decide who
is a member in good standing and who is not.Any organization does.If we’re a
Boston Red Sox fan group, it is perfectly fair to remove the guy who always
wears the Yankees gear from the group.So I don’t have a problem with excommunication in theory, and neither
should you.Second, let me just say here
that disciplinary councils in the Mormon church are exceptionally rare.In most of our congregations this year,
exactly no one will be excommunicated.

I want to suggest that the actual policies of the church
imply that such a thing should be uncommon for gay people; at least that it
should not be even close to the norm for LGBT people to face church
discipline.Here I want to leave the
world of conjecture and opinion and delve straight into LDS church policy, and
for this part of my talk I’d like to thank my good friend Bishop Matt Marostica
of the Berkeley Ward for his wise instruction.I’m going to speak now about what it actually says in the Church Handbook
of Instructions, so I have very little fear that what I’m about to say
represents anything other than the actual policy of the LDS church.I don’t make any claim to speak for the LDS
church, but the church’s own manual does.

The Church Handbook of Instructions is a document that any
reader would conclude is written with exceptional care.As this is the document that guides the
policies of the church throughout the world, it is pored over, edited and
re-edited to ensure that it accurately reflects the policies that the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would like to see instituted everywhere it
operates.It is not a book to be trifled
with, as every bishop or stake president will tell you.

In that Handbook of Instructions, where it talks about church
disciplinary councils, there is a short list that gives very few reasons --
very few things that a church member may have done -- that would require
a bishop or stake president to convene a church disciplinary council, which is
the council that could in theory end with a disfellowshipment or an
excommunication.Very few.And homosexual behavior is not one of them.

It then lists certain things for which a bishop or stake
president may choose to convene a council, and there we see
homosexual behavior listed as one possibility.

Okay, so there are two lists: the short list of things that
require church discipline, and a longer list of things that do not require it,
but for which discipline is a possibility.Now then, there are two things that absolutely must pop out at any
serious reader of the Handbook:

First, it should be abundantly clear that if a bishop or
stake president institutes a policy whereby church members who are LGBT always
face a disciplinary council -- and forget whether or not they are
disfellowshipped or excommunicated; we’re just talking about convening a
council at all -- that church leader is acting outside of the policies
of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.That is a guaranteed fact.The End.

When the church says “must,” and gives a very short list, we
assume that it means what it says.The
local leader is not at liberty to institute another policy that adds to
the list.That would be a different
policy, not supported by the Church.Just as you would be out of bounds to independently add something to the
second list -- for example, you can’t just randomly decide to start holding
disciplinary councils for people who aren’t full tithe payers --, you are also
out of bounds to independently decide to move things from the second list to
the first.

The second thing that seems obvious is that disciplinary
councils are to be entered into with exceptional care and tons of thought and
prayer.The small set of things that
require a disciplinary council are real horror stories -- I won’t list them
here since they’re in a handbook that is not available to the general public,
but trust me on that one -- so one is left to assume that whenever I’m
convening a council I’m dealing with an exceptionally serious matter,
presumably a matter on par in egregiousness or extent with those horror
stories.

So to any local church leader who may be looking for a way
not to force their gay members to be involved with church discipline,
I’d just encourage them to read their Handbook.It’s right there, plain as day.And to a bishop or stake president who is disfellowshipping or
excommunicating gay members as a matter of policy, I’d like to use this forum
to encourage them to re-think that position to get more in line with church
policy.This isn’t just my opinion.Again: read your own Handbook, and read it
carefully this time.Yours will say the
same thing mine does.You may choose,
with love and care and prayer and presumably fear and trembling, to
occasionally hold disciplinary hearings for offenses not on the first list.But you don’t have to, and it cannot be
your policy.

So if we’re doing it right in the LDS church, meaning if
we’re doing it the way that the church’s Handbook outlines, our gay members
should feel comfortable coming to church and worshipping with us.As I’ve noted in other places: there is no
recommend interview that you have to pass to worship with us, and no hurdle you
have to clear to be a recipient of our love and concern.I hope that our gay brothers and sisters will
choose to do that, and I hope they find a spiritual home in our wards and
branches.It would be great for our
straight members to have more experience with their gay brothers and sisters,
in any case.

I think gaining that experience will help to change some
people’s minds with respect to who gay people are in the first place, and I
think that’s important.I’ve been in
congregations where, even fairly recently, it has been suggested that being gay
is a “choice,” which is both disappointing to me and surprising, every time I
hear it.

Part of the reason that I feel that way is that people who
are holding that position seem to feel that they are somehow supporting the
church’s stated position, when in fact they are not.To be clear: the LDS church’s stated
position on the question of whether or not being gay is some kind of a choice
is that the church has no position on that matter.No position.None.

The Apostle Dallin H. Oaks said, “The Church does not have a
position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations,
including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific
questions — whether nature or nurture — those are things the Church doesn’t
have a position on.”

This means two fairly important things: first, it removes any
sort of halo effect from those who hold the truly insane position that being
LGBT is a choice.They cannot argue that
that is the position of their church.They are left to themselves with the weird argument that millions of
people are making that choice, I guess because of all the awesome benefits that
accrue to gay people in this society.

Or they are left to argue in greeting-card fashion that “God
don’t make no junk,” thereby becoming guilty all at once of the logical fallacy
of begging the question, and of having delivered massive offense while
claiming to be loving people.It’s the
same form of argument, really, that some evangelical churches use to define
Mormons as being non-Christian, and it annoys us when they do it to us, because
it is a rhetorical point that has zero value.I feel slightly dumber every time I hear it.

It’s a difficult position to be in.To hold the position that gay people in most
cultures have the slightest say in the matter requires a twisting of normal
thought so thorough that it makes the Gordian Knot look like a Girl Scout’s
hair bow.

Second, the church’s position implies that an individual
member of the church can with perfect propriety believe that being gay is an
inborn trait.There is nothing
whatsoever wrong with a Mormon holding this position, as so many of us do.

The LDS church is right to hold the position it does.Whether or not a man loving another man is
“normal” or “natural,” or whether a person is “born that way,” or not are not
religious questions, really.These
are not conjectures about the nature of the human condition; these are in
the realm of verifiable facts.By way of
analogy: You don’t pray about whether or not I’m 6 feet 4 -- you bust out the
tape measure.

As to whether it is natural to be gay, it would require a
fairly tortured definition of “natural” to decide that it is not.It happens, and it happens at roughly the
frequency of left-handedness in the U.S. population, according to a 2011 UCLA
study.Believe me when I tell you that a
long line of people think I’m a little odd, but it’s not because I’m
left-handed.

Many conservative churches suggest that being gay is not an
inborn trait, but this is absurd.You
don’t need to peer into the eternities to divine some highly-prized pearl of an
answer when you can simply walk up to a gay man or woman and ask them.Their answers will, of course, run the gamut
-- I mean, yes, there is such a thing as a person who is gay through a
collection of sociological factors --, but by and large they will tell you that
they have been gay for as long as they can remember, and since before they knew
what name to put to it.I guess you can
decide that you somehow know all of them better than they know themselves, but
Occam’s Razor suggests to me that the better idea is to take them at their
word.

Put another way: no one questions my recollection or wonders
if something happened to me when I tell you that my first crush was a girl
named Melissa in Lewiston, ID.Why, when
another man tells us that his was some boy named Brad in Kansas City, do we
question him?Is there any reason, other
than the lame excuse that his experience is in the minority of experiences, for
us to do anything other than simply believe him and move on?

But for those who are not convinced by these arguments, I’ll
give you a religious one: I want you to consider the possibility that you
should believe that some people are born gay... because Jesus Christ said so.

To understand what Jesus said, you have to understand what
the word “eunuch” meant to a person in Jesus’ time.From the time of the Assyrian Empire and of
the Pharoahs, a eunuch was a male slave who had a particular job close to the
king.Sometimes that job involved menial
service to the king, where he would have the king’s ear.More often, it involved guarding or
protecting the women of the royal family.Either way, either because the king didn’t want his confidantes to have
divided loyalties through children or in-laws or because the servant would be
in near-constant contact with the royal family’s women, the job description of
a eunuch had one requirement above all: that he not be a threat to engage in
sexual congress with women.

Probably because it’s more sensational to our minds, we tend
to focus on what at the time they called “man-made eunuchs,” who became eunuchs
through castration or genital mutilation, typically at a young age.By late Antiquity, though, the term had come
to refer not only to castrated men, but to a wide range of men who could not or
would not have sex with women.There
were “religious eunuchs,” which was normally just a term for a monk.And importantly, probably the most common
eunuch was referred to as a “natural eunuch” or a “eunuch from birth,” which
referred to a man who just didn’t want to have sexual relationships with
women.A man who didn’t do that...because
it just wasn’t their thing.A
natural eunuch...was a gay guy.

That this interpretation is true is enshrined in the Roman
law known as the Digest or Pandects under Justinian I.In that law, they created a separation of
rights between a “natural eunuch,” who had the normal rights of a Roman
citizen, and “man-made eunuchs,” who had lesser rights.

Knowing that “eunuch” was a term in the meridian of time that
meant something like “a man who cannot or will not have sexual relationships
with women” can really help us.In
particular, it can help us understand something that Jesus said in Matthew
chapter 19, verse 12.If what I just said
was news to you, then I’d guess that every time you read this passage before,
you were puzzled by it.If that’s true,
then you’re about to understand it really clearly and simply for the first
time:

For there are some eunuchs, which
were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were
made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs
for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him
receive it.

Now, I’m just a regular church member.Maybe I’m not right.For sure, you will hear people disagree with
this interpretation.But I want you
to pay attention to the game of logical or factual Twister that they have to
engage in when they do it.Let me
just say that for my own part, I think I just heard Jesus tell me that gay
people are born gay: “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from
their mother’s womb.”

Why do I care so much about that?Why does it matter if we believe that gay
people are born that way, versus thinking that being LGBT is a choice?

Well, to begin with, I guess I care because it’s obviously
true, and I care that members of my church follow the example of Joseph Smith,
and seek after truth, wherever they may find it.But maybe equally important is just this:
Because it’s a kinder way of thinking about our gay brothers and sisters.

People who talk about being gay as a choice cannot seem to do
it without a little bit of a snarl.There is disdain in their voices, not acceptance.Not compassion.Definitely not love.

As soon as you accept that gay people are part of God’s
wonderful creations, they can be beautiful.They become brothers and sisters on the path, and not outsiders with an
agenda to push.It opens a pathway to
friendship and love and acceptance that really wasn’t there before.

I’ve heard people who believe it is a choice argue that
they’re still “tolerant,” and even that they “love” their gay brothers and
sisters.But tolerance is not
acceptance, and a form of love that looks down on the supposed beloved is not
love at all.It is not hard to divine
whom we love and whom we don’t -- we show it by the way we act towards them,
and by how thoroughly we wish happiness for them.

No, to love our brothers and sisters asks us to accept them
as they are.The risk for straight
church members who cannot find it in their hearts to truly accept their LGBT
brothers and sisters is that they will fail in a covenant that they have made
with God: that they will bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light.

One of the key thoughts I want to share with my LGBT brothers
and sisters is this: that I love you.That I take you as you are.And
that in my long experience in this church, I have never been met with greater
faith and heroism than among my LGBT friends.My friend Mitch Mayne doesn’t like me to use the word “struggle,” but oh
my have you struggled.You have fought
and you have cried and you have made decisions and committed to efforts that
are heart-wrenching and difficult and far beyond anything I have experienced in
my own life.You are stronger.I want you to hear, more than I want you to
hear any other thing that I say today, that I admire you.

I admire you in part because you are trailblazers.You have hacked your way through a difficult
path in order to make that path easier for those that follow.Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was talking about
you, I think, when he wrote:

Monday, August 13, 2012

On Sunday, August 12, 2012, Michael G. Pappas, M. Div. (Executive Director of the San Francisco Interfaith Council) spoke at the closing session of "Circling the Wagons: Mormon LGBT Conference."

We owe a special debt of gratitude to Michael for helping us secure locations, and make deep connections into the interfaith community that helped create a pretty amazing spirit of cooperation between those of different faith traditions that share a common underpinning: the belief that we are all fellow children of God, and are all equal in his eyes--regardless of gender, orientation, ethnicity, or any other marker we use to define differences between ourselves and others.

I share Michael's remarks with you below (with his permission), and wish to say publicly how much I admire this mans integrity, courage, and kindness. I'm proud to call him a friend.

You can also view a video of his remarks here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBiQpbiTCGM&feature=youtu.be

Don’t you remember, growing up,
when the family was together, some enthusiastic relative would always pull out
a camera, interrupt a precious occasion, ask you to paste a smile on your face,
all in the name of capturing an image that would be talked about for years to
come. The significance of that photo was two fold: first, it proved that the
event actually occurred in history and, second, it became the reference point
for the lore that would be created around what happened at that event, a lore
that would become part of your family’s oral tradition for as long a that photo
existed.

If I know anything about my
family’s history, it is precisely because I spent precious time with my
grandmother of blessed memory, turning the pages of a worn photo album and
learning the history that I would be called to honor, steward and pass down to
my progeny.

To look at those photos and the
smiles on everyone’s faces, one would think that everyone was always happy. I
suspect part of the very intention of taking those photos was to create a
perception that we sorely wanted to believe. Those photos gave us license to veil,
if only for a moment, the real dynamics of the collective subjects in those
portraits.

In reality, those dynamics are our
real inheritance and until we can come to terms with them, wrestle with them
and make some difficult choices, we can’t really grow as family.

For the family gathered here today,
this day is, in reality, a Kodak moment. It is a historic moment and it is a
courageous moment.For the past couple
of days this family has gathered in a safe and sacred space to wrestle with
issues of both religious doctrine and intensely intimate and personal
sensitivities.What is also significant
about this moment is the fact that you have not convened in isolation. Gathered
in this sanctuary are LGBT Mormons who have traveled at great expense and distance
from throughout the nation, welcomed by respected members of the local
stake.But it’s not just those of us
gathered here at St. Cyprian’s, for whom this conclave bears significance. Dear
friends, the greater LGBT community, Mormon family, and I dare say the world is
watching. They will see the photo we just took and await with great
anticipation for the narrative that will emerge from this weekend.

Allow me to make a confession, like
so many of my interfaith colleagues and, for that matter, fellow Americans, I
know very little about the Mormon faith. I’ve never read your sacred text, The
Book of Mormon, and have only attended one previous prayer service. What I know
about the Mormon faith is what I know about the values and character of the
Mormons I’ve met, the Richard Harrises, the Camilla Smiths, the Matt Mossmans,
the Mitch Maynes and the Sean Trumans. From them I’ve discerned that family and
relationships are at the core of the Mormon faith.

Why this is such a historic moment
is because those assembled here today love their Mormon family too much to walk
away from it. What is historic about this moment is that at the core, there is
a profound recognition that parents do feel great pain when their children
hurt. You are here today because you care about your faith and realize that
unless you struggle with key issues as a family, your family will not be what
your faith calls it to be. On this note allow me to draw from the sacred text
of the tradition in which I was raised. Saint Paul, with whom I confess to
often struggle, makes an insightful observation, “When one member of the Body
hurts, the entire Body suffers.” Although times change, dear friends, human
nature remains the same. How on-the-mark St. Paul, the great missionary, speaks
to the current state of families and communities of faith.

But times do change and advances in
academic thought and innovative technology challenge us not only to evolve, but
for our faith beliefs to pastorally respond to the rapid pace of such progress.
Change is not easy and for many it is an uncomfortable, if not painful,
experience and necessity.

Some in this sanctuary will
remember the days when, to simply take a photograph, one had to go out,
purchase and load film into a camera, wait until the role was fully taken, then
drop the canister at the local photo shop or pharmacy and wait a week or more
for the film to be developed. If you wanted to share those images with others
you had to pull out your bulky album or carry those glossies in your wallet or
purse. Now, in an instant, on your phone, not only can you capture an image,
but in the same nano-second, also email it to your mother and upload it on
Facebook to share with your 1,000 plus most intimate friends.

Just as academic thought and
innovative technology have evolved, so too have people and communities of
faith. What I am about to say is not exclusive to any one faith tradition…but
please hear me out. Once imprisoned, yes imprisonedby the fear and shame espoused in the name of
religious doctrine, so many, myself included, have come to the realization that
life is too precious to waste; That the God who created us does not make
mistakes and would never be so cruel as to create us for a life of pain or of
any less value than anyone else created.We have come to the realization that each of us is the unique, special
and precious creation of God. In moments when struggling with the selective
execution of doctrine, in the faith in which I was raised, I recall the words
of my learned professor of Dogmatic Theology on the first day of class. Simply,
in his broken English, he stated, “All theology is pastoral.” That is to say,
the acid test of the validity of true doctrine is whether or not, like a good
shepherd, it leads us to the Kingdom of God.I would hope and pray that such an acid test, when it comes to religious
doctrine, would transcend confessional boundaries.

Friends, show us what it truly
means to be a Mormon. To those who do not know better, at best, yours is a
curious, if not strange faith. To be brutally honest, at worst, some go so far
as to consider it a cult.In the minds
of the ignorant, well-groomed missionaries, Big Love and polygamy are all they
know about you.You know what it is like
to be the victims of suspicion and prejudice, what it is like to be alienated
from society. Precisely because you know and feel such pain, you also have the
capacity to empathize with the pain felt by those within your own community who
have been victimized and marginalized because they are perceived by the mainstream
as different.

Dear friends, take a moment and
look at the person next to you, in front of and behind you. This is a profound
Kodak moment. Not only are those here present going to take home memories from
this convening, but your community of faith and I dare say the greater
community is watching to see where this will go. What do you want them to see?
What message do you want to send, not only to one another and the world, but
also to your children and grandchildren? This historic moment is yours! Let it
be a shining moment! …And as you contemplate these pressing questions and
challenges, remember that the antithesis of fear is courage, the antithesis of
pride is humility and the antithesis of hatred is love. These greater virtues
will be essential to employ if change is to be effected and the family is to be
healed.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

On the weekend of August 10, 2012, LGBT Mormons and their allies gathered together in San Francisco, California, for the third "Circling the Wagons: Mormon LGBT Conference."I share my opening remarks with you below.

The theme for the conference was "Joined together in fellowship," and with that, we connected deeply to our interfaith fellows in San Francisco and held the conference at Saint Cyprian's Church. It was fitting that the conference be held at Saint Cyprian's. The roots of this church date back to the 1870s, prior to which no no parish existed to serve the needs of the black community in San Francisco.

We joined together at this 89 year-old church whose members have known rejection, misunderstanding, violence, injustice and bigotry and worked hard for change within the church and the world.

In the spirit of our theme--Joining together in fellowship--I spoke about the importance of our role as LGBT Mormons and allies, and how we can help our straight brothers and sisters as they grapple with how to better understand and include us, and how we can join together as one human family--all equal in the eyes of our Father.

Enjoy.

___________________________________________________________

Thank you for the
opportunity to speak to you today—it is an honor to be among so many who
display so deeply the genuine and sincere love for one another that our Savior
would. It is humbling to me to numbered among you.

This weekend, ironically,
is my ‘birthday weekend.’ A year this weekend I was sustained as the executive
secretary in the bishopric of the Bay Ward in San Francisco as my authentic self—an openly
gay man.

And what an amazing year
it’s been—certainly for me personally, but also for all of us as a Mormon and
Mormon affiliated family. Let me tell you what I’m talking about.

In the past twelve months,
we’ve made history in more than one way:

We’ve seen an openly gay man put into a
priesthood leadership position in a local ward—and watched as the world
turned its head and took notice of where Mormons were headed on the LGBT
issue.

We’ve seen the emergence of this
conference—now held three times in three different locations throughout
the country. And this time, we are joined by not one, not two, not three,
but four local priesthood leaders who speak openly about their beliefs on
being inclusive to LGBT Mormons and their families.

For the first time in history, we’ve seen LGBT
Mormons and allies take to the streets, and march in almost 20 PRIDE
celebrations across the globe, including Santiago, Chile.
The Mormon allies carried messages of welcome, love, and inclusion to the
LGBT community and their signs ranged from “LDS heart LGBT” to “This
Mormon Mom supports your right to marry.”

For the first time in history, we’ve seen
straight BYU students speak up on video for more active inclusion of their
LGBT brothers and sisters, and watched as that series of videos went
viral.

For the first time in history, we now have
evidence-based research positioned specifically for Mormon families that
teach them how to respond to their LGBT kids in a way that helps keep them
safe from significant health risks—and that helps keep families together.

It’s almost as if our
Savior has his finger on the fast-forward button when it comes to the topic of
LGBT Mormons and their families, and it is a remarkable thing to behold.

I want to talk to you
today about resentments and forgiveness. Now, that may seem like an unusual
topic given that the theme for this conference is “Joined together in fellowship.”
But it’s a topic I’ve thought about deeply, and one I think is critical to any
successful attempt at fellowship between the traditional and LGBT Mormon
communities.

Earlier this year I spoke
in Washington, DC, and I posited the idea that there was indeed a test for
humans wrapped up inside the LGBT issue, but the test wasn’t for gay people—we’re
merely the vehicle through which the test is being delivered. The test, really,
is for our straight brothers and sisters—and that test is whether or not
they’ll lend compassion, inclusion, equality and Christ-like love to a segment
of society that, for whatever reason, appears to be the least of these in this
sphere.

And I also reminded us
that we, as LGBT Mormons and allies, are not necessarily off the hook here,
just because we’re not being given the test. Our role is to be more compassionate, more kind, more long
suffering, and the penultimate examples of that which we seek to achieve. We
must be the vessels of our Savior’s virtue, peace, and unconditional love.

That’s a tall order.
Especially when each of us are surrounded by messages that seem designed to
remind us that we’re a little bit less than everyone else, or that we deserve
less than everyone else. Much of the danger for us lies in what we choose to do
with those messages. When we allow ourselves to internalize them, we become
resentful, bitter, and angry. And when our spirits are locked inside
resentments, it’s virtually impossible to treat anyone with compassion,
kindness, and Christ-like love (ourselves included).

A wise friend once told me
“Holding a resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to
die. “ And it’s true. Holding a resentment locks my spiritual energy into a
cycle of rehearsing my grievances, reviewing how I’ve been hurt, assessing
damages, and assigning blame. When my thoughts and my heart are full of
bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge there is little room for the
quiet, gentle voice of my Savior to offer me guidance which I seek and desire.

There are times, as we
navigate our course in life, where our paths will cross with those who will
hurt us—sometimes they do so inadvertently, with good intent, doing the wrong
thing for the right reasons. Other times, though, some will seek to do us
deliberate harm, inflicting pain upon us through calculated choices of words,
deeds, or direct actions.

Throughout my path in
life—and especially as a gay Mormon—I have encountered both types of people;
those who have harmed me unintentionally, and those who have done so
deliberately. But the lesson I have come to realize is regardless of the intent
of the person who has wounded us, the choice is still ours as to whether or not
(and how genuinely) we forgive.

With practice, I have come
to realize that forgiveness is a gift I give to myself. I don’t need anyone’s
apology to be happy—my happiness or lack thereof is completely my choice.

The only way I have come
to genuinely be able to put a sincere philosophy of forgiveness into practice
is by cultivating a deep, personal, and intimate relationship with my Savior.
In that relationship, I am free to be my authentic self.

And with that, I am free
to share everything I feel with my Savior—my joy, my happiness, my anger, and
my resentments. He knows me well—and He stands ready to meet me where I am,
even when I am not at my best. All I need to do is ask.

That said, even when we’ve
recognized that we don’t need the apology of another to be happy—and that our
happiness is up to us—we may still feel the pain from the actions of others,
even when we’ve chosen to forgive in our hearts—some wounds simply cut more
deeply than others. We can forgive in sincerity of heart, but we must also
recognize that we can’t force the healing process. That process ultimately belongs
to our Savior—once we have done our part by forgiving those who harm us, and
placing our pain into His hands.

There are also those among
us who have adopted the view that forgiveness is a power we have over
others—enabling us to demonstrate our own superiority by rising above the
offense and magnanimously bestowing our grace and forgiveness to the offender.

But herein lies the danger
with this philosophy: It overlooks the simple truth that we are all on equal
footing with every other member of our human family. True, some make choices
that others would not, but we all do good and righteous acts at times—and at
other times, we may offend and hurt.

Worse, when we adopt the
attitude that forgiveness is power, we tell ourselves and the world around us
that we are victims—and thus, we remain victims.

Forgiving others is not easy. In fact, for most of
us it requires a major change in our attitude and way of thinking—even a mighty
change of heart. But the good news is that mighty change of heart is the exact
thing our Savior can bring into our lives.

When our lives are centered on our Savior, and His
opinion of us matters more than that of the humans in our lives, something
remarkable and pure happens to us. The more we allow the love of our Savior to
govern our minds and emotions—the more we allow His love to swell within our
hearts—the easier it is to love others with the same kind of love He offers us.
As we open our hearts to the warm light of our savior’s love, the darkness
and cold of resentment and anger will fade.

A few years ago, I came out to a Bishop of mine. He
was a genuinely good man, but a man nonetheless—and one that misunderstood what
being gay was all about. When I explained my situation to him in a heartfelt,
genuine and vulnerable way, his only response to me was this: “Well, I won’t
excommunicate you now. But you will never work with the youth of the church.”

Now, at this point in my spiritual maturity I was
still pretty locked into the idea that I had to take what local leaders dished
out to me and like it, whether or not it was fair or Christ-like. But as I sat
on that idea—that this man equated me with being a pedophile simply because I
was gay—it just didn’t feel right.

So I counseled with my Savior, and the following
Sunday an opportunity presented itself to speak to this man again. Now
understand that I was full of bitterness, anger, resentment, and even rage for
what he’d said. Yet, when I approached him, I allowed my heart to be softened
just a little bit—and with that, was able to speak to him in kind, gentle, but
firm tones and words—and enable him to understand not only why his words were
hurtful, but how they were inaccurate.

A few short years later, after this man was
released from his calling, I was indeed working with the youth of my ward as a
Sunday School teacher, and this man’s son was in my class. And you know what?
This man became (and is to this day) one of my biggest champions. In fact, he
ended up coming to Sunstone to hear me present on the subject of how LGBT
Mormons fit inside our faith. To this day he is my friend, and my ally—and an
ally to all LGBT Mormons.

None of this would have occurred—or it certainly
would have occurred much more slowly—if I had allowed my own resentment to rule
my thoughts, words, and deeds.

But by staying close to my Savior, being kind in my
approach, and gently correcting this man in a way that didn’t leave him feeling
scolded or insulted, I was able to change the course of our relationship—and
soften a heart permanently for the betterment of all the human family.

As always, Christ is our exemplar when it comes to
forgiveness. In His teachings as in His life, He showed us the way. He forgave
the wicked, the vulgar, and those who sought to hurt and to do Him harm.

Jesus said it is easy to love those who love us;
even the wicked can do that. But our Savior taught a higher law. His
words echo through the centuries and are meant for us today—and I believe,
meant specifically for gay Mormons and our allies. They are meant for you and me:
“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you,
and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

When our hearts are filled with the love of our
Savior, we become “kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving [each other],
even as our Savior [forgives us].

When we cultivate that kind of deep relationship
with our Savior, forgiveness comes to our hearts much more easily. It doesn’t
mean we’re perfect, and it doesn’t mean we don’t get hurt or angry. But it does
mean we’re more likely to know where to take those emotions and respond in a
way that doesn’t perpetuate the cycle of unkindness.

Here, I’ll let you in on a few ways I’ve learned to
rid myself of my frustrations and resentments. These may work for you—feel free
to adopt them if they do.

One trick I use is to call a trusted friend and set
the expectation that I need to vent. I use the word “trusted” here deliberately,
because there is a big difference between gossiping and processing through our
feelings. I choose someone who knows the difference—things that are shared in
confidence and carelessly repeated can also wound our fellows.

I tell my friend to look at their watch and give me
five minutes to just spew. I ask for a time limit deliberately, because there
are some things I could vent about for days on end—and for me, it seems there
is a fine line between processing through my feelings and wallowing in self
pity. One is productive—the other is not. So by setting a boundary on time I
help steer myself clear of a path I don’t want to be on.

I don’t solicit feedback in this five minutes, I
don’t ask for advice. I just pour out the raw emotions inside me. And then I
stop, and ask the other person how their
day is going. It helps take the focus off of me and my grievances.

Another trick I’ve learned is to leverage a little tool
I call my “God Box.” Some of you have heard me talk about this before, and I
know it seems a little trite and silly, but it works wonders for me.

I have a box someone gave me years ago—it was a
gift from a friend and originally contained thank-you cards, so to me it felt
like it was full of good karma already. I write my resentment down on a piece
of paper, open the lid to the box, and place the paper inside. Then, before I
close the lid, I speak to my Savior. I don’t use fancy or even prayerful
language—and sometimes the language I use very closely resembles what I would
say to a trusted human friend I was venting with. I explain my situation, share
my anger, speak my fear and frustration—but always end with this: “My Savior, I
can’t handle this. You can. I choose to let you.” Then I close the lid of the
box and put it away.

Later in the day, I sometimes find my mind
wandering back to my resentment and hurt—but I gently pull myself back and
remind myself, “Wait. I don’t have to think about this today. It’s in the hands
of my Savior.”

Sometimes I have to do both of these things (and
more), and sometimes I have to do them several days or weeks in a row—and
that’s okay. The point is that I’m working through my resentments in a way that
allows me to be free of them, and think of this process as spiritual scissors
that cut the ties that bind me to negative and self-defeating ways of thinking.
And in the process of doing so, I strengthen my network of trusted friends and
allies, and deepen my reliance upon my Savior.

I’ve found for me, the combination of my
relationship with my Savior and the practical tools I’ve cultivated, more
quickly remove the scales of resentment and wrath from my eyes, and allow me to
see others just a little bit like our
Father must see us—as flawed, imperfect humans who have potential and worth far
beyond our capacity to imagine.

And it is my testimony that it can do the same for
you.

Brothers and sisters, as
we move forward and seek to join together in fellowship with our straight
fellows, I pray that we will remember our role as LGBT Mormons and allies. It
is not the role of someone who is afflicted, suffering, or burdened at the hand
of our Father. It is the role of peacemaker, and as the ambassadors our Savior’s virtue, kindness, and
unconditional love.

And don’t let anyone tell
you otherwise.

I leave these things with
you in the name of ally, my champion, and my friend, Jesus Christ, Amen.