House of Representatives Republican Majority Leader John Boehner recently stated “Obama wants to obliterate the Republican Party.” Boehner’s complaint has inspired me to draft a fake interview where he explains why Obama needs to do anything at all to destroy the GOP when the GOP is doing a fine job of destroying itself.

I haven’t finished writing the interview yet, but I have collected together the photos I will use for illustration:

MUNCIE – After declaring China the “main enemy” of the United States and promising to start a trade war if elected, Mitt Romney announced plans to ask Chinese nationals to contribute money to his campaign.

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“I don’t see anything inconsistent or hypocritical about this at all,” Romney said as he attempted to open a window in his private jet flying to Hong Kong to attend a fund raising dinner. “Darned thing is broken,” Romney complained when he failed to find a handle to “roll down” the jet window.

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“When Mitt was in charge of Bain Capital, he oversaw the export of thousands and thousands of American jobs to China,” said Romney Spokesman Trip Whiteman. “The least they can do is toss some cash at him in repayment,” Whiteman added.

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“I love the Chinese,” Romney said. “They are all the right height. And their workers are grateful for their jobs, they don’t have health insurance, it is very, very difficult to escape poverty, and they like me – which is what I want for America,” Romney concluded.

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No joke: it’s real –

A Reuters/Ipsos poll showed on Sunday that most Americans oppose President Barack Obama’s healthcare reform even though they strongly support its provisions.

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Medicare is a government run health care program.

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This seems, well, sort of stupid, if not crazy, so People of Earth: Attention located an average American to interview and find out what is going on.

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The average American voter.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Thank you for speaking with me today to clear up how you, the average American voter, feels about President Obama’s reforms of the American medical care system.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: It’s simple, Paul. Like most Americans, I vehemently oppose the President’s plan while strongly supporting the reforms within that plan.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Let me ask you a different question. Do you like cheese?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I love cheese.

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Loves cheese.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Do you like mozzarella?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: You bet. I love mozzarella.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Do you like tomato sauce?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I sure do.

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Loves tomato sauce.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Do you like dough that can be baked into a crust?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: You mean like pizza crust?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Yes. Like pizza crust.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I can eat it all day.

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Likes pizza crust.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Great. Do you like mozzarella cheese pizza?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: No, I do not.

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Does not like cheese pizza.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Why not?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Because I am sick and tired of the government shoving pizza down my throat. And a black man made that pizza. It doesn’t taste right. It doesn’t taste American. It tastes Kenyan. I bet there is dog on that pizza. I heard it on Fox News.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Perhaps your opposition has something to do with the spices used to prepare the pizza.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: I don’t believe in spices. Like global climate change. Spices aren’t expressly described in the Bible or the U.S. Constitution, so spices don’t exist. Especially garlic.

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Doesn’t believe in garlic.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Garlic doesn’t exist?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Nope.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: I think there was some in the salad I ate for lunch.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: No there wasn’t. Garlic doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: No you didn’t. Look, do you see the word “garlic” used in the Bible or the Constitution?

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Has never read the Bible or the Constitution, but believes in their infallibility.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: No. I don’t think the American Founding Fathers discussed garlic.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Well, there you go. I proved it doesn’t exist.

PEOPLE OF EARTH: But I ate some.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: So?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: Solvitur ambulando.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Huh?

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Doesn’t know that was Latin.

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PEOPLE OF EARTH: Nothing. Thank you. I have no further questions.

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Any time, Paul. We’re about to sit down to dinner. Would you like to join us?

PEOPLE OF EARTH: What are you serving?

AVERAGE AMERICAN: Mozzarella cheese on a baked crust with tomato sauce. My favorite.

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Loves cheese and tomato sauce backed onto a bread-like crust, but hates pizza because he heard bad things about it on Fox News.

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Postscript:

Global climate change is causing rising sea levels that are causing the erosion of coastline in those American states with ocean borders. The State of Virgina is one of them – the same state with a Republican majority intending to pass a law that requires any woman seeking an abortion to have ahtransvaginal ultrasound/prior to obtaining an abortion.

Virginia’s beaches are eroding, and there is a bill in the Virginia legislature that seeks funds to study how to best address the changing sea levels and their effect on Virginia’s Atlanatic coastline. However, prominent Republicans refused to support the bill because they do not believe in global climate change or “changing sea levels,” but the bill obtained their support when the bill’s author amended the bill to replace the phrase with “persistent flooding.” http://hamptonroads.com/2012/06/lawmakers-avoid-buzzwords-climate-change-bills

God bless America and save us from the dark madness that is sweeping across out once great nation.