Let's start a film geek fight!

No, this isn't a film-reviewing metaphor. I was literally watching paint dry. Three coats of 8th Pavlova to be precise, which is a fancy name for cream. Well, off-white, sort of a light beige...

When you're painting, you have a lot of time to ponder the imponderables. One of those is how het up about the little things people can get.

While some people have taken the time to (anonymously) lambast me because I found certain parts of Black Swan absolutely risible (I seriously think the marketers may have missed an opportunity by not selling it as a comedy), others have come up to me to confess how they hated it. Ballet aficionados (of which I am not one) seem particularly upset and offended by the portrayal of the ballerina's lot.

Equally, I've had plenty of people tell me how they liked my comparison of The King's Speech to a sports movie, and how they also love-love-love True Grit, but were too squeamish for 127 Hours.

People are more likely to be offensive in anonymous online-comment mode than in person.

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But there are some film-related comments that are guaranteed to get somebody's gander up (thanks to Empire for the inspiration).

You know the sort of thing...

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Twilightis sooo much better than Let the Right One In/Interview with a Vampire/any vampire movie that has been or ever will be made.

You know what would be really cool? An origins movie about Jar Jar Binks.

Bladerunnermakes no sense without the voiceover.

George Lucas is an original ground-breaking director at the height of his artistic powers. I wish he'd remake the original Star Wars films, they look crap compared to the new ones. Or even better, get Michael Bay to do it!

The fridge scene was a classic Indy moment. And those gophers? Hilarious! Hope they're back in Indy 5 - they could hang out with the monkeys.

[Insert title of film adapted from a well-loved book here] was sooo much better than the original novel.

I think it's really cool that zombies can run really fast now.

Tangy fruits were never really that nice. I'm glad they're gone.

Why can't we talk about Fight Club?

Brad Pitt should so keep his shirt on in all his films. No one wants to see that.

You know how Chris Nolan can instantly improve the next Batman movie? Bat nipples!