Friday, November 22, 2013

Gestation

I initially wrote this on July 3rd. Yet it has remained as a draft until today. I can't find any reason I had for not posting it other than once again being afraid of my own voice. So today, I release these words written 141 days ago

This morning I woke up on my own accord. This has not been the case since I brought Hydra home as she insists on attempting to get me up to play anywhere from 3am - 8am on any given morning. Today something shifted. Things have been shifting, but today there was a certain flavor in the morning light that I haven't tasted in awhile.

Though I can't recall where I've been, each night I've been traveling and thus each morning when I'm woken up by a tiny creature pouncing and pawing my face, I'm left in that groggy, liminal state, feeling like part of me is still wherever I was. Echoes have been steadily streaming from the most unlikely of sources. What once haunted, now evokes a creeping warmth that consumes me with the most potent power: love. Somehow, I've managed to transmute pain into pleasure and I lie floating atop the waves of emotion while the sun kisses me head to toe.

The concept of value has been a theme that has only increased in weight over the past 4 years. I blame Saturn's transit through Libra as more of my planets live there than any other sign. Where I once existed as Venus with claws, I never questioned my own value, I just lived it and reaped the rewards as any solar scorpion should. 2 months after moving here, Saturn began sauntering through my life. Dreams came true and I remember thinking "This is amazing...why is this happening, what did I do to deserve this? Why me?" Nightmares came true and I thought "WTF? Why is this happening, what did I do to deserve this? Why me?" The mind is a dangerous thing and I was introduced to a feeling that had never truly existed before, at least not that I was aware of - self doubt. Which bled over tainting even the best of circumstances. I accepted what I was given and settled rather than demand my worth, all because I doubted my own value. Silly girl. Thankfully, part of whatever is shifting, is now highlighting the extent of my reach. The various places I reside aside from my own mind have shown me my value. I always have and always will embody Venusian vibrations and I'm finally comfortable with that again.

Visited by a firefly last night, she reminded me to trust in my own rhythms, that those moments when I'm not lit up for the world to see, are just as important as the glowing ones. The energy harnessed and built upon while resting provides fuel.

Today I woke up and glanced around to find my world glowing with echoes of my value: my love.