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Saturday, October 8, 2011

Feelings of inadeqacy

The weather is wonderful. Not too hot, not to cold and just the right amount of cool fall breeze. However, we are inside...

I really want to go outside, go down to Central Park (or somewhere else) and maybe get a cupcake or something from a bakery. The problem is I can't... I have basically no money and would rather stay inside and not have to face telling Leilani 'no' to whatever she ask for, whether she needs it or not.

It's moments like this when I feel inadequate as a mother.

Since I have no job there is no reliable source of income and everything we do has to be very planned and free (which isn't always a bad thing). I feel like a failure when I can't buy the simple things that Leilani / I might want while out and about. So I'd rather be inside.

The way I do away with these feelings is ignore them, take advantage of the day and pack a lunch.

I made myself a promise earlier this year, when I was really bad off(emotionally, financially and moral wise).

First I realized that I am going to have moments of depression, inadequacy and down right:UGH!

Then I realized that it's normal and healthy to have these moments IF you handle them correctly.

Lastly, I promised myself that I would only allow my moments to be just that, a MOMENT!

You can't let these feelings ruin a perfectly great day! When I feel these emotions I have to use them as fuel to get me up and fight for our future. I am currently taking the necessary steps to do this and while I type this I'm thinking: Screw it! Get out there and enjoy the day.

Remember let these moments be A MOMENT and do not let it ruin your entire day.

So... what am I going to go do? Pack a lunch, get a metro card and get my ass outside. And just to prove it I'll upload some pictures later on tonight.