Lintek na pagmamahal ‘yan!

I saw his pix on friendster…I couldn’t help but be proud of him…I know he could really reach places, literally and figuratively…Much to my surpise, I am happy for him…I see that he really is…And I have to be grateful for that — that though I’m not happy, at least he is…

Life’s not getting easier each day and I’m not getting any younger (hahaha). Each passing day reminds me of “The Greatest WHAT-IF or REGRET” of my life. Each day reminds me that I lost my once being so “INVINCIBLE and CONFIDENT”, thinking I could own the world and enjoy my own domain. Each day reminds me of my biggest mistake — of falling in love and not finding enough courage to fight for it. I was convinced before that I could live a normal life without him (I sure did considering that I am still breathing), but I realized just now that I was wrong…so, so wrong! Though I am breathing, I am nothing but a hollow,cold-blooded creature that’s made up of flesh and bones (plus fat and cellulite).

Ayokong mag-drama but I can’t help it… I terribly miss him…sobra! How long had it been since the last time I saw him…a year? two years? But then the memories live on even if we didn’t have much or he hadn’t give me much to remember him by…But being nostalgic, everything keeps coming back na parang kahapon lang nangyari lahat…

Akala ko when I finally got over Ed.Na, I’d be happy and free…But that even worsen the situation…Si Ed.Na, mahirap mahalin that he had become a goal that I should pursue. But with him, it’s different. Kung si Ed.Na, mahirap mahalin, siya nakakatakot mahalin. Why, he’s out of my league and I would’ve to admit that he’s easy on the eye and have the power and charm to get any woman he would choose! He’s too much for me and I would certainly get hurt in the end, needless to say end up broken hearted. He’s too much for me in everything and every way I could imagine — only one of two things would happen, either he would hurt me or mamahalin niya ako nang totoo…So I ran away with the hope that everything’d turn out good. Pero bakit gano’n, hindi ako maka move on.I dunno where or how to start.Should I start by forgetting him and finding someone else?…Nah…I exactly tried that, to the point of pushing myself to find someone I could love or giving other men chances and went out to some of them.

But at the end of the day, I still find myself back to where I began — and truly belong — finding myself still madly in love with him. Siya na lang ata ang nag-iisang lalaking mamahalin ko in this lifetime…That’s a fact. Isn’t it sad? Sad and lonely fact.

I still love him and nothing and no one could ever change that.Here’s a song for him, this is my favorite song of all.

I took my love and I took it down
If I climb a mountain and I turn around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hill
The landslide brought it down

Mirror in the sky what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
Co’z I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
And the children get older
And I’m getting older, too

So I took my love and I took it down
If you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
The landslide brought me down