I think I'll make this into my diary. I'll try to write something in it everyday, doesn't have to be long, just something that's interesting, things I've been thinking about etc. for the day

Mon, 13/07/09

Well it is 4:15am as we speak now. I do not know why, I can not go to bed. So I'm lying here in bed listening to Eva Cassidy, it's very soothing. The weekend has gone past, some what interestingly, but also quietly. So much has happened in just one weekend, yet so much simply just sliped by. This is the second night in the past week that I could not sleep, I do not know why.

As many of you know that I have been troubled by this wonderful girl I met on the internet, and subsquently met in person. So much happened, yet nothing is happening. I don't think that I'm sleepless becuase of her, well not anymore. It doesn't mean I know what I'm going to do with her either, but I have come to realization that I fell too deep too fast. I am slowly pulling myself out of where I use to be and gave myself to fate. It worked the first time, and if fate meant to let it happen again, then let it be. In the mean time, we're getting to know eachother a bit better, and spend a bit more time at a time. I had a dance competition on Saturday, she came to watch me. She also told me that she wants to enter competition, I offered myself to partner and teach her, she happily agreed. I'm liking how things are developing between us at the moment.

I don't really know what I'm doing at this given time. I'm on youtube and flipping through every Eva Cassidy song, because they are all so beautiful. I love Eva Cassidy. I'm not thinking about anything, just enjoying the music. I think that's all I'm going to write for today, to be continued tomorrow.

Yet another late night/early morning for me. My body clock is trapped in this state of malfunction, failing to recognize that at night, people sleep. Sigh...what can I do about it...

It has been a busy day for me. Just the usual lab stuff....when will it ever end? I was in the lab until 10pm today, all by myself. It's a cold and sterile place to be at, especially late at night when there is no one else around. It makes me wonder, is this the life that I really want? Lunch was a can of John West tuna, afternoon tea was a cup of soup, and dinner was a burger from MacDonalds. I feel quite isolated at the moment, despite having family and friends around me.

I would like to share this German poem with you, it's a long time favourite. To a certain extent, it pretty much sums up what I feel at the moment, and a lot of the times.

Just another ordinary day in the lab, doing ordinary things. Life is a bit like ground hog day at the moment. Not too much excitement, dinner was McDonalds, just like the other day. I spoke to S today, it's the first time we had a long chat like that. We spoke about everything from dancing, to family & friends, university and career, then back to dancing and how dancing changed our lives. It was a very pleasant conversation, and also made lab seemed less lonely at 9pm. We are going to hang out on sunday, it's going to be the first time we hang outside dancing. I look forward to it!

Not much else happened today, perhaps I'll talk about how I got into ballroom dancing ... ...

My journey began about 3 and half years ago, when I was a senior in highschool. It was summer break and my girlfriend back then and I were looking for things to do on our friday night dates. We wanted to try something different, neither of us has done ballroom dancing before, so we started that. She loved it from day one, being a ballerina, dancing was natural for her. But I found it difficult, my science brain didn't really work well with dance steps. I still went with her anyway, seeing her smile on the dance floor was enough for me to keep going back.

Uni started the next year, and I found this Dancesport club and thought I'd give it a go so I can learn how to dance and surprise my girlfriend. Slowly week by week I began to discover the beauty of this sport, this art. After a year, I could not live without dancing. Even though I was still a pathetic dancer, I enjoyed every moment of being pathetic at dancing, as long as I was dancing, I was happy. I went back to the social studio where we had started, and it was such a good feeling being back and know how to dance. I could actually stay for the social and have a few dance with people. That was very encouraging. The owner told me I had potential, I doubted that as I was still a beginner. But after weeks of private lesson with him, and finding out that he was National champion 3 years consecutively, I started to believe in his words. One day, I told him I want to start competition, he smiled and gave me a pat on the back. Now after 3 and half years of dancing, including 2 years of competition, dancing has become an extremely important part of my life!

I've been pretty flat out with the lab for the past couple of days. Both days I worked in the lab until 11pm. I took today off though. Slept in until nearly lunch time, got up and went to get my haircut and had lunch, mowed the lawn in the afternoon, and went to dance in the evening.

S was there at dancing tonight. She told me yesterday and asked if I'd be there too, and naturally I answered yes. Something changed over the past week. I last seen her on saturday at my competition, and we spoke online once since then. But something has definitely changed, for the better. I don't know why, she is a lot more talkative than previous occassions, and she was touching me more. I can't even remember how many times she playfully hit me on the shoulder. And there was a couple of times we were in shadow position, and she put her arm around my neck. We had an amazing night dancing and chatting!

We wrapped up the dancing at around 9:30. I was hungry cause I've been dancing since 5pm, and still needed to go to the lab, which I eventually did and worked from 11:30 to 12:30am. So I thought I'd better get some thing to eat on the way, and I asked S if she'd like to join me. And she did! We went to McDonalds down the road from the studio, and ordered two large milkshakes with a large fries to share. We just had an amazing time talking and laughing. Before we knew it, it was 11pm and S had to go home because her parents are expecting. We had a kiss good night, only on the cheek, but I think both of us liked it. =)

To be continued (we're seeing eachother on sunday again, this time not dancing, maybe movies, haven't decided yet) .....

To make up for my laziness in the past couple of days, I'm going to write another little blog today. Now I'm sitting here in the lab all by myself on a saturday afternoon, with beautiful weather outside, waiting to go to dance practise in another hour or so. I've been thinking, why did I get myself into science? Where would science take me? I wonder... ...

My interest in science began back in highschool, in my senior year to be exact. I didn't really like history, literature or any of the humanity subjects, so I focused on Math and Science. I guess that I wasn't too bad at when I did back then, I graduated highschool as Top 1% of all students in the country that year and subsquently took up a Bachelor of Biomedical Science degree at the University of Melbourne, could've done Medicine but I didn't like all the blood, dissection, sickness etc etc. So Biomedical Science was perfect, I get to study all about health and the human body but won't have to deal with the things I didn't like. From that point onwards, I've been trapped in an institution where brain power is the focus. It's almost like people do anything and everthing to scream out "I have better brain power!" Is this what an university education should be about? I don't think so...yet, I was still trapped where I was.

Three and half years later, I find myself as a Honours student in Biochemistry, spending every day of my life trapped in this more exclusive institue where brain power dominates, the "Bio21 Biotechnology & Research Institute". The building that makes every passer by go "Wow", the news that come out of this building make the nation go "Wow". But every day, instead of getting the "Wow" feeling, I am spending more than 12 hours a day here feeling more or less "meh".

So what next....surely there are more to Science than just Science! I need to go and explore... ...

It's strange to wander in the fog!A lonely bush, a lonely stone,No tree can see the other one,And one is all alone.

The world was full of friends back then,As life was light to me;But now the fog has come,And no one can I see.

Truly, no one is wise,Who does not know the darkWhich inevitably and silentlyDoes from others him part.

It's strange to wander in the fog!Life is lonelinessNo Man knows the other one,And one is all alone.

[Hermann Hesse]

Sounds like Herman was a scientist (or maybe he swam amongst the luminescent diatoms ) He puts it so well - wandering in the fog and hoping to run into a familiar object or person. Thats the peak of science, if I am there I know I am onto a fundamental area - though sometimes I can not find my way out and have sound the claxon to be guided back - thats what happens when the question in hand is just too difficult for me to solve or I just don't have the tools. OTOH when it clicks and the experiment causes a clearing of the fog and then the mist - ah, that is the acme that I aim for.

Well it's early monday morning, 2:30am...I did not wake up early, I did not go to bed. It's coming back to me again, night long of contemplating on things that isn't going to change at all. Well they say that actions speak louder than words, the it most definitely speak louder than thoughts. So why am I sitting here thinking instead of doing? I'm sure you probably all want to know, and all already know what I'm thinking about ... ...

Yesterday I went out with S. We didn't go out alone, it was with DP and her sister too. S got along so well with DP, and she thought it would be really good to spend some time together, so we did. We had lunch at a healthy salad place, S is trying to get me away from eating junk food. So we had lamb and chicken salad, and indeed it was a nice change from McDonalds. After lunch S suggested we go watch a movie, she's a girl who knows what she wants and takes the initiative to get what she wants. Well since last time DP and I hangout, they let me decide and it ended in complete disaster, we followed S. We bought tickets to see "The Proposal"...well what do you expect, three girls! It was 2pm and we bought the 4pm ticket, so gave the girls some time for shopping, and naturally I tagged along. They went through all these fashion shops, make up shops and what ever shops young adult girls go do, luckily no underwear shop cause I would be very red faced if that happened. It was cute that S would turn around and see where I am every now and then, just incase I didn't get lost, well I walk slow and behind them and kind of wander off a bit from time to time. We spent longest time in this makeup shop, and S was constantly asking me which colour I like etc whilst pulling my arm to get my attention when ever I let my eyes wander somewhere else. DP and her sister thought it was completely adorable. Normally I'd be bored flowerless with looking at makeup, but love make people feel different, I was quite enjoying myself, or simply the company of S, well me companying her rather. So all that was done and over with, we proceeded to the movies. S found her self a seat first, then DP and her sister followed and left me on the opposit side to S. DP nudged me and indicated that I should move to the other side, but I didn't want to make it that obvious. The movie was quite enjoyable, I think I actually like romantic comedies. Do I get extra brownie points for that? Hmmm......For the next two hours we sat there and giggled at the movie, and just enjoyed being there together, the four of us. It was already 6:30pm when the movie finished and we all hugged eachother good bye. I was kind of awkward between me and S when we said goodbye. Surely we hugged eachother and kissed eachother goodbye before, but somehow this time it was more awkward. Well actually through out the whole day I felt this tension between me and S. I didn't speak much all day, S picked that up, I answered that "I prefer listening more, I learn a lot more from listening than talking" But in reality, I have never see S so happy before, she got along so well with DP and her sister. Being from a family of all males, it's like she has found two new sisters! They were all talking about girl stuff, nothing awkward, just really enjoying the company of other girls around her, and I just felt so happy watching her laugh all through out the day, and that is why I more or less let them do most of the chatting.

Now I got home an hour later, found both S and DP on MSN. DP told me something that is completely unexpected. She said she's been chatting with S on MSN and S told her that there are people in her life whom she really wished would take the next step. Now that was her exact words, and said just after we had a day hanging out together. S also expressed that she has been single for over a year now and is getting lonely of being single, all in the same conversation. Now I think I get the hint ... ... Well S is a very traditional girl with traditional upbringing, I don't think she would take the initiative to ask a guy out, she is waiting....Is it me that she's waiting for?

DP nagged me that I should ring S right then and there and ask her out, but I was not prepared for it. I think I will give it a week and ask S out on friday, out as in proper out. I will make sure she get the idea that it's a date, and just the two of us. Well it's a risk I am going to take...because on Saturday, S is coming to watch DP and me compete and come out with us for my 22nd Bday. So if she accpets the date on Friday, then we are all happy. But if not, it could be very awkward. But DP was right, I have to do something this week whilst S is thinking about it...I need to...and I will...