Professional. Aunt. No kids.

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The latest beauty b*llsh*t

So I’ve made an appointment to have my knee-caps shaved because they’re a bit too prominent and they’re ruining the aesthetic of my legs. Honestly, what’s a girl to with these impractical, protruding bones?

And thinking of impractical protruding bones, I think my ankles are not quite in the right place so in the summer, I’m going to have them relocated a little up and left. (I have to admit, these are the only two sets of bones that do protrude on my body!)

When I’ve recovered from that, I think it’ll be time to remove all the sweat glands from my person, because getting hot and wet is just inconvenient and more important than that, it’s just so bloody UGLY.

STOP. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW!!

I wouldn’t be surprised if some or all of the above already exist OR if they don’t, someone, somewhere is pondering those procedures and deciding how to best market them to an already paranoid and insecure female market. Especially, it seems, to impressionable, young girls who are fame obsessed followers of many completely unrealistic ideals of beauty, perpetrated by their favecelebs-oh yeah, I’m down with the kids – (who have not much to do all day except be personally trained, pummeled, buffed, injected and sliced.) Forgetting that they have both the time and money for this AND that it goes with the territory. It’s in the job description.

This week it was reported that a new product, deodorant specifically for under your breasts, is upon us. Who, who, WHO in the head office of any of the prominent cosmetic companies, in their right mind suggested this, and who said, “bloody hell, brilliant! Why didn’t we think of that sooner”?

Last month it was thigh gap, two years ago, size zero…… This one in particular, as explained by prominent scientists, means you DON’T ACTUALLY EXIST. And that can’t be good for anyone who thinks that they DO exist.

I’m not saying I’m immune, obviously I’m not, I’m a woman who wants to try and look her best, (look at the list of things I had booked in preparation for Paris!!!) I go to the gym ‘now’, I have things done and buy magic products, of course. (Not boob deodorant, that’s just daft because my boobs smell like roses). There is a little bit of the feel-good factor involved too, but really, really STOP IT NOW. Worrying about sweaty tits is just a step too far. No more ridiculous body trends and products to push at young women who should not even be thinking about these things yet and should be enjoying their youth and beauty without feeling inadequate because their thighs touch at the top and they sweat when they play sport.