John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Recovery is possible even when the cause of death is unknown. (Published 11/18/2014)

Q:

How can I deal with not knowing how he died?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Patricia,

Your question is one of the most difficult ones we ever get, in part because it’s so difficult to get people to shift from the search for that information so they can deal with the emotional impact of the death itself.

Some people never find out what or how it happened, and they often stay in search mode and never do any work to help themselves deal with their grief.

The other issue is that if and when people find out how, that doesn’t necessarily help them feel emotionally complete with the person who died. In fact, sometimes finding out how adds another emotionally painful burden.

What we can suggest is that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it suggests, you will discover and complete what the death has left incomplete for you, and you may find that the need to “know how” may slip away.