Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Human oil
slick Ted Cruz has been oozing his way up the polls, his opponents slipping on
the industrial grade grease dripping from his hair. Cruz’s reedy, unctuous
voice has also taken its toll on the ears of his fellow politicians, causing a
pain not unlike having a peppercorn stuck in your auditory canal.

Cruz is
running on a platform of being a terrible human being who is completely
untrustworthy. Iowans have recently taken to his utter lack of charm, grace, or
competence. Ted Cruz is to republican voters what Donald Trump is to republican
voters, only with more unguent.

Ted Cruz
thinks it’s funny to tell demeaning jokes at the beginning of his speeches. You
may say that I’m doing the same thing with Cruz as the target. True. The
difference is I’m nobody, writing words that 11 people will read and he wants
to be President of the United
States. The office calls for dignity. I can
write in my pajamas with cereal dust in my beard and no one will be the wiser.

No one in
his own party likes him. More to the point, they loathe him. Cruz calls himself
“a Washington
outsider” and someone “who sticks to his principals”. Other Republicans call
him an “asshole” and someone “with a rod so far up his ass he can taste his own
shit”.

Cruz is a
climate change denier. He’s done interviews where he presents what he calls “facts”.
Leading climate scientists call them “lies”. So he lies to push his own
pre-conceived agenda and gain votes from like-minded non-thinkers. Does that
sound like a Washington
outsider? No, it sounds like every politician.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Did you
know that Lindsey Graham is still running for the Republican nomination for
president?

Even
though others like Bobby Jindal and Lincoln Chaffee have seen the gigantic
writing on the Brobdingnagian wall and dropped out of the race, Lindsey
soldiers on. His supporters say he is a fighter.

Others use
the word “delusional”.

There are
days when his polling statistics are so low he doesn’t register as existing.
The pundits need to use Newtonian calculus to create an imaginary number for
him. On these days Lindsey begins to fade away like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future. Lindsey is polling
around 2% on average. To put that in perspective I have a pair of Reebok
running shoes that are polling at 3.5%. Doing really well with pipe fitters and
longshoremen.

TV news
programs regularly interview Donald Trump and Ben Carson, even climbing down
into a hole to speak to talking stalagmite Ted Cruz. They don’t speak to
Lindsey. They don’t show Lindsey’s latest campaign stop, his speeches, or his
photo ops. They don’t take his calls, read his texts or sign for his registered
letters. Like frustrated but patient parents who are trying to teach their
child a lesson, the networks don’t pay attention to Lindsey when he’s jumping
up and down behind them holding a sign reading: “I’m Lindsey Graham and I’m
running for President. Can I get a Hell Yeah?!”

Lindsey
likes to start sentences with “When I’m President . . .” or “The first thing
I’ll do when I’m President . . .” Oh Lindsey. That’s never going to happen.
There are 117 Republican candidates and only 3 of them have caught at least 10%
of the public’s interest. The rest of you are a bouillabaisse of ennui, bad
ideas and cheap suits.

Find a
hobby Mr. Graham. Do crossword puzzles, take a spin class, find a buddy to get
drunk with on cheap bourbon and pickled eggs. Just stop running for president
because you can’t win.