After a successful return to FX!, Alpha! returns to you LIVE 6/26/12 from US Airways Center in PHX, Arizona!

The semi-finals of the historic FFWF Title tournament will take place:

Mikey Scars v. Savior

Lebron Bonds v. J.T. Smoove

ALSO...

Commissioner Bishop (with his brand new bodyguard in tow) will have some huge announcements for the PPV that is coming up - a little more than a week away- the action is at a break neck speed around here, so try to keep up.

Also (just signed) SDG will be in action; one-on-one with ET80 AND the Pest will be on commentary!

Hart Thompson will face Rumba Perez

Mike Tako will take on Jason "Son of Slam" Thanos

....and we're hearing whispers that the enigmatic DOVE GIVER will be in the building this Tusday on ALPHA!

All that and so much more as we gear up for our June PPV extravaganza Lethal Injection, ONE TIME ONLY ON A SATURDAY. 6/30/2012 ONLY ON PPV!!
***Press Release***

@pest: Or Dove Guy. Hell add all three of those ****** ******* in their. We'll #$*$%& do a handicap match with these goons.

via Tweeter @TheSmilingKiller

Quote:

@TheSmilingKiller oh comon man, stop selling yourself short. hell- the cage door beat up SDG, ET can be outsmarted by a two year old and just bring some bird feed for the doves and Brandon Lee loses all his power

Quote:

Keep close to your phone though- I've got some upcoming plans and I might just need this thing that people call a "friend"

Quote:

and by plans i mean tickets to a concert on wednesday

via Tweeter @pest_________________
mad props to: RaykwonDaChef

Last edited by mistakebytehlak on Wed Jun 20, 2012 11:22 pm; edited 1 time in total

[Pest is sitting in a dingy room, but this time he has a better bottle of booze and a camera man]

I've had time to sit and reflect upon the events of last week. While reflecting on my handywork, excuse me, our handywork- I realized something- I've neglected Mr. John K. Taxpayer for quite some time.

Johnny-Boy must have it rough. I heard the Ol' Ball and Chain was sitting at home today and you forgot to get her Xanax refilled. I mean, its a legitimate mistake that someone can make- especially when you're worried about paying your multiple mortgages, and making it to Timmy's soccer practice on time. Wait- today is Wednesday- is it soccer day or is it Kimmy's piano day? And well the boys at work, oh man- they are just a hoot. They just wont leave it alone. They told me about your little mistake on the trading floor. Since when was 1.4 billion dollars a "little mistake". Times sure are changing.

Have you told your wife?

Oh... you haven't... told your wife... that you lost your job because you made a "misjudgment of risk". A little "risky" to be stringing your wife along like this, don't you think? Pardon the pun- I thought of that one three hours ago and just HAD to use it.

Here's the kicker Johnny- Timmy was being teased at school this past week by little Joey down the street. Not that you would know anything about that because you simply have just enough time to tuck Timmy in before you have to bury yourself in scotch and FoxNews just to make it through tomorrow- well I guess you have a little more time now, but thats beside the point. Well, you used to work with Joey's dad didn't you... I wonder if you can guess why Joey was making fun of Timmy- father like son right? Apparently Joey thinks Timmy's a "loser" too. I mean you did lose 1.4 billion dollars, didn't you?

Well, long story short, your wife knows. She's known for a week. But her Xanax and her SSRI's have kept her so zombified that well, she just didn't have the mental capacity to care. Until NOW.

Now, she felt that fresh air we call reality for the first time since Kimmy was born- by the way, you should probably check Kimmy's room when you get home.

[Pest leans forward and starts to whisper with his hand by his face]

I have it on good authority that Kimmy ran away with some 27 year old rock guitarist in a Nickelback cover band. Great choice Kim.

[Pest leans back and takes a sip of booze]

Back to the old Ball and Chain- well she finally had reality Danza Slap her in the face today and that fresh air didn't feel so good- left her feeling helpless. Left her feeling stranded. Left her feeling like there was some conspiracy against her. Left her feeling like no matter how much she yelled and she fumed and no matter how much she BEAT THE S*** out of whoever she could get her hands on, there was NOTHING she could do to win.

[Pest is getting angrier and takes a big swig, leans forward and his lips start to curl while the anger starts to become visible in his eyes]

Do you get the metaphor, you uneducated antique of a human being- the FFWF is not the Colosseum and YOU, you son of a b**** have to finally come to. When you start to feel what its like to be helpless, to be stranded to be worthless- that you can do NOTHING to stop the impending doom, that you can do NOTHING to stop the me from f***** up your life- then Johnny boy will realize that maybe he shouldn't have been such a [inappropriate/removed] human being for his entire life. Maybe THEN, I'll just find life a little bit more tolerable.

[Pest finishes his glass of whiskey in a single gulp]

Welcome to reality, b****.

[Pest throws the bottle at the camera man, hits him, and he walks away. The camera is out of focus but you can see his feet walking with a sense of entitlement. As if he had won.]_________________
mad props to: RaykwonDaChef

My arm is still battered and bruised, and I still have all 10 stitches in my head. I've had trouble getting out of bed because the pain is almost unbearable.

SDG and his lady take a seat on a coach in SDG's home, some music has kicked on, and you can see a few more well dressed people, chatting and sipping the finest wine.

SDG wrote:

When I move my arm at all, it pains me deeply. The funny part is, I love the feeling. It is why I haven't been able to sleep in days, no, no, the pain isn't the issue. It's my mind.

SDG eats a cheese cube and takes a sip of his wine.

SDG wrote:

The pain reminds me of what ET80 did to me last week on Alpha. The way he psychotically attacked me, after I won my match. Well, ET80 better make sure he has a doctor ready after our match on Tuesday Night Alpha. The pain I feel now is nothing compared to how he will feel when I get through disfiguring him.

SDG takes a big sip of his wine and lightens up a bit.

SDG wrote:

ET80 made the biggest mistake of his career crossing me, and for what? He's a jealous, Saxon Douglas-Goldsbourne wannabee. He can't stand to look at me, because I'm everything that he wishes he was. I'm the man in this industry, I call the shots!

SDG smirks and finishes off his glass of wine.

SDG wrote:

This week, will mark the first step I take into personally ending ET80's career. While your out breaking cardboard heavy bags, and playing grab a$$ with your trainer on top of that steel cage, I'll be getting stronger, and while you walk alone and take care of yourself, I'll have the last laugh.

SDG grabs another glass of wine from his butler, nods his head, and gives "cheers" to the camera.

SDG wrote:

Remember ET80, having friends benefits me a lot more than going it alone does you, and I have aligned myself with some powerful people. I'm not asking you to watch your back, I'm TELLING you that if you want to walk out of Alpha on your own power, you had better watch every side of the arena.

So my next opponent is LeBron Bonds. As I see the tape on him, I'm honestly not impressed, I think that he's been the luckiest person in FFWF right now. If he wants to live, he gotta do like what LeBron's hairline is doing and lean back. This is why Bonds chose wrestling over any other sport, since FFWF is rarely timed.

So I propose our next match to be a 20 minute match four 5 minute quarters, and each quarter will be something different.

This man also happens to have split personalities during matches. Why should I care about this kind of stuff. This is only the kind of stuff that you see on soap operas like One Life to Live. You know what I really don't have to explain myself. Just like your counterpart, you're gonna cramp up tonight and forefit tonight._________________

simonwayne wrote:

LeBron has done for the NBA what Teen Mom has done for teenage pregnancies

Itís a hot cloudless day on a golf course as a drawing using ping pong balls similar to the NBA Draft is happening. An official for the event is going to reveal whatís on the ball and whoíll be on teams.

Official: Before we announce whose on teams Iíd just like to welcome you all to the Lebron gold charity tournament for those with MPD and other personality disorders. With that said enjoy the event.

The crowd cheers as the first two balls come out of the machine.
Meanwhile Lebron is signing an autograph for a child with multiple personalities.

Child: Thanks a lot, youíve always been my role model. People have always acted as if theyíre better than me just because of my disease but seeing someone else like me being successful reminds me to not give up. I want to be a wrester when I grow up so thanks for paving the way, by the way mister here,I want you to take this. Itís my lucky penny what good that has come from my life seems to be when Iíve had that penny with me. Like that time the penny told me to go into the womens bathroom, I got in trouble but I also found $5 in there.

Lebron: Thanks, wish me luck. Hopefully weíll find a way to beat this so no one else has to go through hell like we have.

Official: The first pairing of the tournament will beÖ. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson.

Lebron goes over to shake hands with Romo and Simpson to welcome them to the tournament.

Lebron: Are you two still dating?

Romo: UhmÖno.

Lebron: DamnÖ my bad.

Romo: NoÖ not your fault just that damn drawing, I donít know what I did to lady luck to deserve this, probably that time I went out with her sister.

Simpson: Maybe this was fate, Iíve missed you really bad ever since you left me. I still have my pink Romo jersey hanging on the wall, I cry a single tear on that jersey and none more each morning and say an ancient Japanese chant known to bring good fortune in the hopes it will bring you back. I know itís been a while since youíve left me but do you ever still stop andÖ and think about us?

Romo: No in fact, whenever I do think about you itís about why it took me so damn long to dump you.

Official: If I could have everyoneís attention please, the drawing is done.

As the official finished the drawing the crowd cheered in anticipation of not golf, they rather just wanted to see which celebrities were on the course.
Did you really think anyone actually came to watch golf lulz omg.

Official:but Lebron it appears you didnít put yourself in the drawing, you still need a teammate.

Lebron: I am my own teammate, think about it.

Official: You really need a partner still and luckily thereís one person left whom everyone he was teamed with refused to play. Gary! Where are you Gary, we found you a teammate!

The official then quickly headed away from the two as if to give Lebron no choice.
Gary Busey ran over in a drunken happy stupor at the sound of someone actually being on his team.

Gary: I wonder why nobody wanted me on theyíre team, itís as if everyone here hates me. But thanks for being my teammate Iíve never had many friends before, and when I did they seemed to be alienated by me because of my extremely confrontational nature. It just doesnít make sense.

Lebron shook his head in disapproval and made a beeline to the official.

Lebron: You canít do this to me, Iíll go insane if I have to team with Busey, give me a different partner, I donít care who.

Official: Fine I can pair you up with someone else we didnít think was fit for this tournamentÖ your new partner is Abe Vigoda. I think heís talking to Adam Sandler somewhere you just have to find him.

Lebron walked in and overheard theyíre conversation.

Abe: I heard youíre remaking Billy Madison?

Adam: Yeah itís going to be even raunchier then the last one listen to the tagline we made for it: School is like a @#ner long and hard.

Abe started laughing until his dentures fell out.

Lebron: Abe youíre my partner now so stop fraternizing with the enemy alright?

Lebron: ill I didnít mean it like that you old coot now letís play some golf.

Abe: Fine first just let me do something real quick on my phone: Siri put me on Footballs Future then head onto the log on screen.

Siri: Will do.

Abe: Username, Vike Daddy Password, Pimpin in my overalls.

Siri: Did you mean Pumpkins over all?

Lebron grabbed the phone, shut it off and handed it to Abe.

Lebron: Now letís hope you play golf better than you read scripts, really Good Burger?

Abe is the first up on a fairly simple short straight course. He nearly breaks his back as he readys his swing until his phone goes off.

Siri: Abe donít forget to take your Viagra, then party like itís 1856.

Abe: DAMN IT SIRI!

Abe readies his swing again but once again the phone turns on.

Siri: You have received a call from Commissioner Bishop grandmother do you want to answer?

Abe: Tell her to call me maybe later.

Siri: Do you want me to search for Call Me Maybe.

Abe: Yes, I mean no!

Call Me Maybe blares through Abeís phone.

Abe: Get off my phone, this is the devils music!

Abe frantically tried to shut off his phone to no avail so he chucked it into the nearby river. The phone floated for 3.14 seconds before an alligator dove out from the bottom and swallowed it. It shed a single crocodile tear after learning it had swallowe Call Me Maybe which created a breakout of Blue Waffle in his stomach it would go on to die 4 years later. Lesson learned: Call Me Maybe kills.

Lebron: Dude that phone costs you a lot of money why would you do that?

Abe: Iphone4S $250,keeping your sanity in tact priceless..

Then a montage of the tournament plays as Lebron shows inconsistent play at his best when heís calm and worsening as his mood wildly swings throughout the day. The very strong play of Abe Vigoda is enough to have them in first. Until Abe hits the ball poorly into the bunker and they struggle to get out. Garey Busey is heard from the audience.

Gary: Thatís what you get ya rat bastid shouldíve stayed on my team, you cut me real deep when you teamed up with that bastid instead.

Lebron very calmly: Well sorry about that now please stop making a scene.

Darryl Sunquist - Thank you for joining us! We are LIVE, from the U.S. Airways Center in BEAUTIFUL Phoenix, Arizona. I am Darryl Sunquist and my partner to my left-...

Lance "Thousand Island" Killings - Is this what it feels like to work two weeks in a row?? This is new territory for FFWF.

Sunquist - ...is as always, Lance "Thousand Island" Killings.

Killings - The pleasure - much like your wife's second child - is all mine.

Sunquist - (sighs) What a show we have for the fans tonight. This is the last show until our annual June extravaganza - Lethal Injection - where we WILL crown our first FFWF Champion.

Killings - Annual, smannual. It's the first FFWF PPV ever. No need to put the cart before the horse.

Sunquist - Last week was a phenomenal show. Although, not without controversy. You got scared and ran off but the fact remains, the Pest had someone in the back raise the cage. Everything that happened last week was apart of some master plan that I don't think we'll see the end game of for some time. Thousand Island, your thoughts?

Killings - Should I even say? I mean, it could be ANYBODY. I'll keep my thoughts to myself...

Sunquist - Tonight, Thousand Island, we have the Final Four in our ground breaking tournament. Who do you like tonight? Mikey Scars v. the Savior and the enigmatic Lebron Bonds v.s J.T. Smoove.

Killings - Is our tournament really THAT ground breaking? Also, do we pay the NCAA money whenever we use the term, "Final Four"?

Sunquist - ...we probably do now.

Wilson Feathers - THE FIRRRRST MATCHHHH IS A SEMI FINALLL CONTEST TO SEEEE WHOOO WILLL BE IN THE MAAAAAAAAAAAIN EVEEENT AT LEEETHAL INJEEECTION!!!

[Mikey Scars makes his way to the ring, he looks around and takes in the overwhelming amount of boos]

(camera's picks up free agent Charlie "Nighttrain" Frederick for the 2nd week in a row. he has a tall, blonde, beauty, huddled up close to him, he pushes his sunglasses down along the bridge of his nose and winks at the camera)

Sunquist - Look at that Thousand Island! Nighttrain is here! Again! I wonder if he's any closer to signing with FFWF?

Killings - I imagine he wanted to make sure there was a 2nd show in a row before he started even discussing the idea.

Feathers - ANNND HIS OPPONENT..... THEEE SAVIOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Savior by Skillet hits to an enormous ovation)

Sunquist - Would you listen to this Thousand Island!

Killings - I'm trying. Some little creep threw one of Savior's new t-shirts at my head. If I find out who threw this....

Sunquist - Let's relive all the animosity that leads in to this terrific bout.

[highlight package of the history between Savior and Mikey Scars & his gang]

Killings - It's official; Savior is the dumbest human being alive. He couldn't save a toddler from a box of kittens.

[bells rings]

Sunquist - The size and power advantage definitively go to the Savior. Collar and elbow tie-up. Savior easily pushes Scars back into the corner.

(SAV-IOR, SAV-IOR, SAV-IOR)

Killings - These PHX fans need to respect the participants of this match and stop chanting for Steve Nash to re-sign with the Suns. Newsflash - it ain't gonna happen!

Killings - You would think if you were a Senior Official, you would have seen every trick in the book. Apparently not.

Sunquist - In Mourning's defense - this is a chaotic atmosphere. Irish whip by Savior - no - reversed, Scars sends Savior bouncing off the ropes. He's tripped up by Johnny Conolies. Savior looks down at Johnny - RUNNING AXEHANDLE to the shoulder by Scars. The big man is down to one knee.

Killings - I wonder if Scars and his buddies would say "yes" if I invited them to my house game of poker this Thursday?

Sunquist - I'm not sure you'd want these men anywhere near your home.

Killings - What a terrible thing to say. They're Italian, Sunquist. Not Mormons.

Sunquist - Oh god, we're gonna get fired. Scars, now; pounding away on the back and shoulder area of the Savior. He locks in a camel clutch. Savior eyes are half open.

Killings - Every week, Scars is showing off a new move in his arsenal. Gosh, he really might be the best in this company!

Sunquist - That remains to be seen, Thousand Island. Savior looks as if he's coming to life. He powers out of that camel clutch - Scars holds on though.

Killings - WOW. Scars sure is good!

Sunquist - Scars turned that camel clutch into an elevated sleeper hold as Savior stood up out of the clutch. Impressive to say the least from Scars.

Killings - I can hear it now: your neeew FFWF Champion...

Sunquist - Savior not out yet, he's fighting, fighting some more. Looks like he's going to flip Scars over using a modified judo toss.

Killings - Cousin Vinny is up on the apron! I think he's got a few words of encouragement for his buddy, Mikey.

Sunquist - NO! If by words of encouragement - you mean he just hit Savior square in the face with brass knucks - then perhaps you're right! Savior drops to his knees while Scars still has that sleeper locked on. Savior is now face down on the canvas and out of it.

Killings - There's a commotion coming from the crowd!

Sunquist - Vic Mourning, now, checking an unconscious Savior!

Killings - Wait, we know this guy....

Sunquist - Thousand Island WHAT are you babbling abou-... oh MY! The Smiling Killer has jumped the guardrail!!!!!!!!!!

Sunquist - The ref stops checking on the Savior to tend to the commotion outside of the ring!!

Killings - Security! Security! Get Triple H's stunt double for his straight to DVD releases out of this arena! He's ruining the show!!

Sunquist - Finally some justice! There goes Johnny Conolies! The Smiling Killer just chokeslammed him through the timekeepers table! He's gone!

Killings - Criminal offense. Welcome to the prison system yo-... what am I saying, this guy is clearly no stranger to the prison system.

Sunquist - The Smiling Killer and Mikey Scars lock eyes. Scars is beckoning him inside the ring. You can hear the curse words spewing out of Scar's mouth.

Killings - Savior is still out cold.

Sunquist - The Smiling Killer slides in the ring and tackles Scars. It is pandemonium in Phoenix!! Listen to this crowd!!!!!!!!

(KILL-HIM, KILL-HIM,KILL-HIM!!!!!!!!)

[BELL RINGS OVER AND OVER]

Killings - I've never been so ashamed of the first four letters of my last name.

Sunquist - The officials are calling for the bell. Here comes more referees from the back. Scars, somehow rolls out of the ring and collects his beaten and battered cronies and starts retreating back toward the locker room. You can hear Scars screaming "THANK YOU!" in a sarcastic way in the direction of the Smiling Killer.

Killers - Oh my.. This is great...

Feathers - LADIESSS AND GENTLEMEN. DUE TO OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE SENIOR REFEREE VIC MOURNING HAS CALLED A STOP TO THIS CONTEST. THEREFOR THE WINNER OF THIS MAAAATCH....

Sunquist - No...

Feathers - ...AND GOING TO THE MAIN EVENT OF LETHAL INJECTION......... MIKEEEEY SCAAAAAAAAAAARRRS!

Sunquist - This is outrageous! What about all of the outside interference from Scar's crew leading up to that??

Killings - Are you mixing medicines again? I worry about you.

((commercial))

[vignette for Stan Carano shown]
Chael Sonnen speaks at length about the credentials of Carano - then the sillohouette of a man standing with an American flag background
[/vignette]

(replay of the ending of the last match is shown)

Sunquist - As you can see we are back - and fans - there appears to be a commotion back stage. Olivia, what's going on...

Olivia Cortez - Darryl, it's strange back here. The Savior has come to and he is on a one man warpath to find Scars and his crew. He's taking out camera crew, other wrestlers, he's out of his mind. He's a very big man who is VERY angry right now. We'll keep you posted.

Sunquist - And rightfully so. He was screwed out of a shot at the FFWF title due to-...

Killings - The rules? Rules are put in place to keep order, Sunquist. If you followed some rules once or twice, maybe you wouldn't come to work dressed like Burt Reynolds fresh off his 3rd court appearance of the week.

Sunquist - What's that? Folks, apparently Commissioner Bishop is making his way to the ring after this short commercial break!

Sunquist - Well, here he is. Dressed to the nines, with his bodyguard in tow - who we now know as PWN - and carrying a... briefcase?

Killings - Oh, I think I heard about this. I believe he is going to give me a briefcase of money for having to deal with you on a weekly basis. Should be fun!

Sunquist - He's got the mic. Let's find out...

(a-hole chant stars and dove-giver chant drowns that out)

Bishop - First of all - hello! Hello, Phoenix, Arizona!

(booos)

Bishop - I couldn't think of a better place to make some HUGE announcements in regards to FFWF and the upcoming PPV - Lethal Injection.

(more boos, also a Lebron Bonds chant breaks out)

Bishop - As you know, Mikey Scars will face either Lebron Bonds or J.T. Smoove in the Main Event at Lethal Injection - for the FFWF Championship.

(pop)

Bishop - But that's just ONE of the two belts the FFWF roster will have to fight over.

(murmurs)

Bishop - There's also a FFWF Television Title. A belt fit for a man who not only deserves to be seen a television but who the fans WANT to see on television.

(ET80 chant starts)

Bishop - So myself, and the board of directors met all week and we crunched the numbers and came up with a worthy FIRST FFWF Television Champion. I'd like to ask that man to come down to this ring now.

(lights come back on - it's still only Dustin Franklin Bishop and PWN standing in the ring)

Bishop - Ladies and gentlemen - the NEW and FIRST FFWF Television Champion..... Perry Wade Neeson!! PWN!

(PWN is handed the belt from inside the briefcase and throws it over his shoulder as the crowd boos mercilessly)

Bishop - Now then, I know what you people are thinking. Gosh, Commissioner Bishop - you really must have your finger on the pulse of the FFWF fanbase.

(thunderous boos)

Bishop - And it's true - without any of you - what we do would just feel... hollow. But I assure you - that Television Title will be defended and it will be defended often! Starting with this Saturday night on PPV! When my bodyguard PWN will take on-....

(lights go out)

(HUGE pop)

(lights come back on and Dove Giver is standing in front of both men wearing an awesome all black costume with a scary mask on)

(PWN instinctively steps between Bishop and the Dove Giver - this creates an awesome staredown between the two men)

(DOVE-GIVER DOVE-GIVER DOVE-GIVER)

Bishop - Okay, okay, okay... although, not my first choice - perhaps people might pay to see you two get in on. So I suppose for the FFWF Television Title. The 2nd match signed for Lethal Injection...... PWN v.s the Dove Giver!!

(enormous pop)

(Bishop motions to security but all of a sudden the lights go out - when they come back on security, Bishop, and PWN are in the ring - but Dove Giver is gone)

(louder pop)

(Bishop's music comes on again as everyone looks confused and we go to commercial)

((commercial))

Sunquist - Fans, we're back - and I know we have Jason "Son of Slam" Thanos in the ring and Mike Tako is about to come out but we need a moment to catch our breaths.

Killings - PWN is the greatest FFWF Television Champion that has ever lived and he is going to crush the Dove Giver this Satruday for the whole world to see.

Sunquist - Or at least the parts of the world that get PPV....

(bright lights and loud, fun, dance music hits as Mike Tako makes his way to the ring - he dances around and high fives fans to a thunderous ovation)

Killings - My favorite...

(bell rings)

Sunquist - Tako offers to shake Thanos' hand but is met with a hard right that drops him. Thanos now, putting the boots to Tako as the crowd claps and dances. trying their damndest to rally their fallen hero.

Killings - I'm looking around and I must say - there is literally no one in Phoenix, Arizona that can dance worth their weight in Winn Dixie brand ice cream.

Sunquist - Rumba taps! He taps! His face showed exactly how much pain he was in.

(Hart celebrates in the ring for a little while before the camera cuts to commercial)

((commercial))

(when we return we see Bishop at his desk with a piece of paper and his glasses on)

Bishop - Welcome back fans. So far we have two matches signed for Lethal Injection - but we need so many more. That's why I have signed; the winner of this next match FACES.....

(crowd pops)

Bishop - .....THE PEST! At Lethal Injection - this Saturday night!

(The Pest's music plays and out he walks - heading to the commentary table. He's holding something under his arms. He puts on the headsets and shakes Thousand Island's hands)

Pest - "thanks for having me thousand island- in fact i brought you a present."

(opens a big box and pulls out a big bag of birdseed and hits Sundquist upside the head with it)

Sundquist: That was uncalled for.

Pest - "i was hoping the doves would come and eat sundquist"
Thousand Island: Stop, you'll make a man blush.
Pest - "the little people in my headset are now telling me that doves don't eat people, such a bummer"
Thousand Island: Its the thought that counts.
Pest - "well at least if that [inappropriate/removed]*g dove dude comes, they'll attack sundquist first"
"Sundquist: So there's no real presents, are there?
Pest - "(bleep) you sundquist, and if there were, you wouldn't get one"
"hey! look! its the battle of who did more steroids during the two month break"
"i wonder if SDG will copy my copying of ET who copied ted dibiase jr who copied ted dibiase just like he copies everything i do"
"because I'm SO DAMN GOOD"
"wait"
"that should be my nickname, not his"
"i retroactively change my nickname to SO DAMN GOOD"
"stop copying me, sheep"
Thousand Island: Yeah, ya sheep
"(bleep) you sundquist"

((commercial))

[when we return the match between ET80 and SDG is in mid-match]

Sunquist - These two men wasted no time going after each other. There's no love lost. ET80's MMA training v.s SDG's ring general-ship.

Killings - Stop making up words.

Sunquist - And of course we are joined by the Pest - the FCC's worst nightmare, as it were.

Pest - You have 2 seconds to stop looking at me in the eyes, Sunquist.

Sunquist - The action inside the ring is all over the place, ET80 seems to always have one eye at the announce table. So Damn Good levels him with a back elbow. Now SDG is laying into him with headlock and punches.

Killings - We need a new series of words that the acronym SDG can stand for. The Pest as clearly taken the moniker SO Damn Good. Might I suggest Salty Dog Gaspacho?

Pest - Savory Delicacies Get'em?

Killings - Settle Disputes Grouchy?

Pest - Suck Deez .... Guh, Guh, Guh-.. what a terrible series of random letters!
Killings - ET80 just planted SDG with a belly to back suplex!!
Sunquist - ET grabs SDG..
Pest - You better call him Saxon Douglas Gold..Grimsl... who cares
Sunquist - Stop interrupting me.
Killings - Don't tell him what to do.
Sunquist - Well thanks guys, you made me miss the call.
Pest - Hey, why don't you tell the people at home what's going on.
Killings - We're doing our jobs.
Sunquist - Guys, come on. The ref is down.
Pest - Why's the ref down Sunquist?
Sunquist - As I was saying, ET grabbed SDG and did some sort of wild suplex, and in the middle of it, he hit the ref in the head with SDG's foot. Now he's fum..
Pest - Ok, now
Sunquist - OH MY GOD WHATS GOING ON? WHY ARE THE LIGHTS OFF? AND I TOLD YOU TO STOP INTERRUPTING ME PEST!
Killings - Oh man, that present that Pest gave me is sure going to pay off.
(huge pyro goes off)
Sunquist - NO! ITS NOT DOVE GIVER; HE DOESNT USE PYRO!
Killings - You seem awful jittery. Are you afraid of the dark, Sunquist?
Sunquist - Shut up.
Sunquist - Wait- what is that?
Killings - What is what? Its still too dark. Even with that awesome pyro. Its like a Jon Bon Jovi concert. I love that guy. Let me get my night vision goggles.
Sunquist - Wait- it looks like someone has a chair and he's running towards ET--- OH MY GOD, he just struck ET in the back of the head! Who do you think that could be Pest?
Killings - Um, Sunquist- Pest is gone. He probably went to go get us some pretzels. Not you though. I don't think he likes you.
Sunquist - NO! THAT IS THE PEST!
Sunquist - He just double arm DDT'd ET onto the chair! The ref is still out- SDG is waking up--- wait! Pest hit him with the chair also!
Killings - No way that the Pest is in the ring doing that. He was such a nice gentleman. He brought me a present.
Sunquist - No! This cant be. Pest is placing SDG's arm over ET- he's shaking the ref. He's running off like the little Pest that he is! As he runs, the ref counts "One, two, three"!
Killings - How dare you! We are nice to our guests here in the FFWF!
Sunquist - OH STOP! Look- there! The pyro stopped and the lights came back on. You could clearly see someone in a leather jacket run through the curtain. It's Pest.
Killings - He's a fashionable man. I mean, look at the statistics- we sold 2 studded leather jackets on the Merch website last week. Thats 2 more than we ever sold- thats an infinite percentage increase! I'm sure someone is- how do you say it- jacking his swag?
Sunquist - Stop it. This is a tragedy. This is a travesty.
Killings - I know right- now all this birdseed went to waste since the Dove man didn't come and peck your eyes out.
Sunquist- No- what did the Pest say right before the lights went out?
Killings- As I recall, he said "Thank you Thousand Island for having me on this broadcast".
Sunquist - STOP! He said "ok, now"! This is?!?! a conspiracy?!?!
((commercial))

[replay of the ending of the last match and then a promotional image of SDG v.s the Pest for Lethal Injection is shown]

Sunquist - Fans, we're back - and once again - the Pest is proving that he may have friends in high places. How could he oversee such an elaborate scheme?

Killings - He's clearly working with somebody or multiple people. All I know is that it's not me. Heck, it could be you! I don't trust anyone! I'm just glad he seems to like me! Can we get a close up on that present he got me??

Sunquist - Fans, we now have one more word from our Commissioner before we go to our main event....

(Once again Bishop is shown at his desk - PWN standing in the back with his arms crossed)

Bishop - Lethal Injection is shaping up to be a historic night for the FFWF. I'd like to add two more matches to the card - right here, right now...

Mike Tako will face the loser of this next match and The Smiling Killer will have a debut match... but against who?? Tune in and find out.

Sunquist - What a chaotic show. So much information to process. And we still have this Main Event!

Killings - Let's get to it, then!

(This Fire Burns hits and Smoove can be seen via spotlight making his way through the crowd. He finds his way to the guardrail, hops it and slides in the ring to a chorus of boos and "Smoove sucks" chants)

Killings - Did you see that? Some of the fans were actually grabbing and pushing J.T. Smoove! I hate our fans.

(Bonds makes his way to the ring holding a teddy bear and a ice cream cone)

(bell rings)

Sunquist - Bonds starts spinning around in place and making strange noises, Smoove charges in by Bonds moves and starts laughing maniacally.

Killings - We should offer our fans a chance to hang out with Bonds for a day. I bet that would be a popular contest...

Sunquist - I think it would be! Bonds, now - pounding on Smoove's back with rights and lefts. Not necessarily technical - but getting the job done - Smoove executes a small package out of nowhere - ...1 ...2 ...kickout.

Killings - So close.

Sunquist - Bonds all of a sudden starts strutting around the ring with a decidedly feminine walk. Smoove seems irate and hits Bonds with a short arm Samoan Slam.

Killings - Look at Smoove in his face now calling him a crazy mofo.

Sunquist - Smoove stomps Bond's knee and beckons him to get up. As soon as Bonds gets to his feet Smoove plants him with a release overhead belly to belly suplex.

Killings - I wonder how many of his personalities felt that. I feel fairly confident that at least she-Bonds felt that.

Sunquist - Smoove hoists Bonds over his head, gets him set up now a DOWN he slams him with his version of the Alabama Slamma... cover - 1... 2..... kick out.

Killings - Oh god, Bonds just shot up like the pain woke him from a deep slumber.

Sunquist - Bonds is now singing in tongues. His rolling around like a primate. Smoove seems seriously creeped out.

Killings - If he were to snap and kill have of rows A thru H do you think we'd call the police or animal control?

Sunquist - Bonds hits Smoove with a spinebuster, right int he center of the ring. Now a single arm DDT. Smoove is in a world of pain.

Killings - This man is not fit to be strapped with anything aside from a straight jacket.

Sunquist - Bonds reverses a powerbomb attempt that Smoove tried to sneak in and pushes him into a corner - OMG - WHO AM I out of the CORNER.... forget about it!

........1 .........2............ 3!!!

Killings - Worst thing that has ever happened to this company. This main should not be main eventing a show that people pay for.

(Bonds music plays but is quickly interrupted by Mikey Scars music - Scars comes out... oddly, by himself and gets in the ring - the two men get right in each other's faces - Lebron's face contorting and his lip quivering as if he could break out into hysterical laughter or song)