Editor's Note

The Charge

Now with 30% less plot!

Opening Statement

Purchasing DVD versions of public domain films can be a tricky
business—definitely a buyer beware situation, if there ever was one. Well,
I'm here to tell all buyers that the time to beware is nigh: Koch Vision's It
Takes a Thief matches a run-of-the-mill genre exercise with a wretched
transfer to give consumers a thoroughly disappointing home entertainment
experience. A sheer triumph of marketing over quality, this is the kind of
misleading DVD release that should have been left behind with the VHS age.

Facts of the Case

A gang of petty thieves led by Billie (Jayne Mansfield, The Girl Can't Help It) make a big
score on an armored van, but instead of landing on easy street, they find
themselves on the road to frustration. Just before being pinched by the coppers
on an anonymous tip, Billie's boy toy and partner Jim (Anthony Quayle, Guns
of Navarone) buries the loot in an undisclosed location. When Jim gets out
of the pokey five years later, Billie and the others are as eager to get their
hands on the stashed treasure as the police are to stop them. As the pressure
mounts, rumors circulate that Jim intends to double-cross his old friends and
fly the coop. Nervous, Billie's new right-hand man Kristy (Carl Möhner,
Sink the Bismarck!) goes out on his own and kidnaps Jim's son in an
effort to nab the money for himself.

The Evidence

It Takes a Thief is part of the second wave of Koch Vision's
"Cinema Sirens" series, a line of DVDs featuring public domain films
starring the likes of Ava Gardner and Sophia Loren. Koch's first "Cinema
Sirens" release of a Jayne Mansfield film was the Jack E. Leonard comedy
The Fat Spy, in which she played purely a supporting role. Although more
in the limelight this time, it's still a bit of a stretch to call Mansfield the
"star," of this film. Even though her scantily-clad picture is
plastered across It Takes a Thief's Criterion-reminiscent cover, an image
that I can assure you appears nowhere in this film, Mansfield's scenes are few
and far between, and even when she's onscreen, she offers very little to hold
your attention.

Basically a film noir 15 years out of its time, It Takes a Thief is
the kind of gangster movie that you've no doubt seen countless times before.
Advancing the plot with such time honored techniques as copious spinning
newspapers, tire-squealing car chases, and conversations littered with
hard-boiled vernacular, this film is such a typical and lackluster example of
the crime thriller that it is almost instantly forgettable. The crosses, double
crosses, and mad scramble for the golden fleece only serve to remind the viewer
of other, better films that appeared a good decade before It Takes a
Thief, films that could have been watched instead of this one. In all, this
completely unremarkable caper only has one thing to recommend about it—a
selling point that Koch has so hopefully counted on—the presence of Jayne
Mansfield.

Unfortunately, the buxom screen queen doesn't get much of an opportunity to
act or, as you might expect in exchange, flaunt her wares. Mansfield appears
seated for almost the entire first half of the film, and even when she does make
the effort to stand up, her more bankable aspects are discreetly hidden beneath
a needlessly extravagant wardrobe. Even though she is top billed, Jayne has very
little screen time, which in retrospect is probably a good thing since she's
scarcely believable as a criminal mastermind keeping hardened criminals in line
and cackling as she causes police cars to crash. A femme fatale Mansfield is
not, and this seems like a plain case of miscasting, fuelled by a desire to cash
in on her diminishing stature as a sex symbol. Although she had several years of
acting before her untimely death in 1967, this is one the films that saw her
enter into a career tailspin that would include far more curious roles than the
tough-as-nails Billie.

Just featuring a famous actress is not a good enough reason to rescue a film
it into the digital age, where it will only serve to infuriate DVD consumers and
clog remainder bins. Even as a minor genre obscurity, It Takes a Thief is
clearly a disappointment, especially when stacked up next to Koch's other new
Mansfield release in the "Cinema Sirens" collection, the surprisingly
enjoyable Too Hot to Handle.

Let's get to the goods: Koch's unpleasant technical presentation. It
Takes a Thief is subject to many of the same basic problems as Too Hot to
Handle, but in this case, they are far more severe. Again taken from a TV
print, the picture on this barebones DVD is simply awful, with extremely poor
contrast, and an overall hazy appearance that can be approximated by looking at
your TV through a screen window. Black levels fluctuate wildly, and the image is
subject to both source and digital artifacts. The mono soundtrack has audible
hiss, and distortion creeps in almost every line of dialogue, resulting in
frequently indistinguishable conversations. It's hard to imagine that this
release would offer any advantage over a VHS tape recorded in EP mode.
Blech!

Quality isn't the only issue up for discussion here, though. Ten minutes
were missing from Too Hot to Handle, a choice I find reprehensible at
best, but this film is missing a whopping half hour of running time. The
TV print has been pared down from 100 minutes to the scant 70 seen here. Much of
the footage seems to be taken from the twist ending, which is extremely abrupt
and doesn't build in a suitably suspenseful manner. The film most certainly
would have been improved had the correct version been offered here. Koch, why
even bother releasing a film in this shape?

The Rebuttal Witnesses

With so much wrong, does it even matter what this film has in its favor?
Nevertheless, there is one thing that the film does do well, and that's in
setting up the right atmosphere. Real locations lend some believability to the
proceedings, from rain drenched London streets to neon lights blinking outside
hotel windows. Appropriately, the soundtrack also offers up some above average
crime jazz to help amp the tension up a few notches.

Closing Statement

This DVD is quite simply, a total mess; a butchered, almost unwatchable print
of a film that isn't very good to begin with. Even die-hard Jayne Mansfield fans
with probably want to avoid this one, at least until an acceptable version hits
the shelves.

The Verdict

Koch is guilty of stealing 30 minutes of running time from this film and
leaving their grimy fingerprints all over the paltry remainder. They are to
remain in prison until they divulge the whereabouts of the missing footage.