28 December 2013

You are a tiger, sitting on a concrete ground. You are larger than anything else around you. You see things in the distance you would like to get to, to move towards. You have the feet to walk yourself towards it and the sight to see where to go and how to get there. You slowly stand up, one foot at a time, facing the direction of the destination before you. Your feet are firmly planted on the ground and you see how easily you can bring yourself to where you would like to be. You start walking, one foot in front of another. Step after step, you get closer to what you are walking towards. You start moving faster, with momentum, with eagerness, with determination, to get to where you are going. You start to really push yourself in the direction to get what it is you see and just as fast as you are moving, you hear a metal crack behind you and you feel a tight, restrictive pressure around your neck. You are halted, you are stopped. You cannot go any farther. The force in which you were moving forward is the same force that cause you to be stopped in your tracks. You are stuck where you are and you are held there by the metal chain around your neck, attached to the metal chain that is reaching back to where you first started from. You are kept in a certain, specific space. You are confined. You pace back and forth, realizing you cannot step any farther because alas, you are at your bound and limit.

I am currently walking the DIP lite course and in the lesson of self forgiveness. Each day I go there to write a bit about a particular moment or experience I had in the day and then apply self forgiveness for it. It is a point I've been supporting myself with simply to bring myself back to daily, consistent and stable self writing and forgiveness. You walk this particular lesson for 14 days and today was day 8. There was resistance to doing the work tonight, even though it is really quite simple, takes hardly any time at all and was something I committed myself to do for myself as daily support.

Tonight I wrote about this resistance point I had to going and writing the lesson for today. As I was writing the self forgiveness - I saw this point I wrote out about - the story of the Tiger. I saw how resistances are like our bounds and limits and in that we are just chained/caged animals.

A resistance is an instruction that tells you where to go and where not to go, what to do and what not to do. You cannot go beyond that because simply, you are not 'meant' to. What I mean by you are not 'meant' to is that we have programmed and conditioned ourselves to exist in a finite way and expression; way of being - nature even. We have guidelines and rules that we follow, programmed into us by ourselves, our actions, our behavior, our thoughts, by our family, our environment, our culture, our education, our media, etc. There are certain limits we cannot cross and those limits are enforced by resistance. The moment we attempt to move beyond our programmed way of being - we experience a wall in/as ourselves. Like there is no possible way to get through, go around or get past this giant wall before us, keeping us in our place.

So this begs the question - are we really free? Obviously not if a resistance directs us from moving away from the direction we initially set ourselves towards.

Now usually a resistance is a negative experience where it's like "I don't like this, I don't want to do this" and then we come up with all sorts of excuses and justifications as to why we cannot do that thing we said we would initially do. Sometimes it's heavy and draining and seems absolutely impossible to move past. Sometimes it's slight and not such a negative experience - sometimes we just interpret it as a preference or part of our personality, what we do or don't do. Either way, we are directed by our Minds as our programmed nature that determine where we go, what we do, how we live and when we express. We have bounds and limits. We have chains. We have cages and we are stuck within the parameters of our programming.

The story of the Tiger above is a little bit different in terms of the type of resistance I've experienced. Usually it's a "I don't want to, noooo" which is simply a point of not willing to face myself as what I exist as and how I experience myself - yet tonight, this resistance was more of I was moving in a particular direction and the resistance came up to stop me. It challenged me. I was determined to do something and a resistance attempted to keep me back and not do what I originally decided I would do. I did not give into this resistance and through applying self forgiveness, saw this point of bounds and limits I have placed on myself. I saw how I've created myself in such a way where even though I might like to do something, to try something, to expand, to do a particular thing as being what is best for me and supports me in my process of self transformation - I am still chained and kept at bay, even though the beast is wanting to be unleashed. I still guard myself and back down and pace back and forth around particular points, not really giving it my all to break free from the chains of my bounds and limitations. Even though I see it here, it's right here for me to do, to grasp, to live, to express, to stand equal to and one with as myself - I am still allowing this thing around my neck to keep me from stepping beyond my borders, to actually expand.

Interesting how we have caged and chained our animal kingdom on this planet - doing unto them our own image and likeness. We have completely abdicated our willingness to expand, explore, discover, understand, forgive, let go, let live, move, breathe, be, LIVE and 'the resistance' is the key that either keeps us in place or embraced as the gift it is to move through, past, out of because that is the limit of the program. Beyond that is life, expression, truth - who we have yet to allow ourselves to be; our actual potential. Beyond the cage there is freedom that is self directed. The moment you face a resistance and decide to follow the 'rules' and turn around, is the moment you have given up an opportunity to see what you are really made of.

Challenge yourself through removing the chains and dare to go beyond the bounds and limitation. We have this one life - what are we willing to do in it, for it, as it? Investigate the Desteni I Process to move past your self-imposed limitation and thus the imposed limitation we have enforced on ALL LIFE.

26 December 2013

One of the points that I see allowing distractions has caused as consequence in a specific area of my life is with school.

When I started school – I went into this ‘perfect student’ character, wanting to be perfect within school attendance and grades. Because this was more based on self interest and thus seeking a self definition – this did not stand stable, because after a few semesters, the energy of the character ran out and I began to care less, give in more and move into a point of ‘let’s just get this over with’.

I see where my starting point could have been realigned, and in this writing I am in a way doing just that. Yet it comes with me entering into one of the final semesters of this current stage of my education.

So specifically – what I can see is a ‘problem’ that I would like to take responsibility for and thus correct or give myself solutions to is skipping school.

In high school I skipped school quite a lot and was surprised when after so many missing days, year after year, they (the education system/school administrators/whoever is keeping track of the students) allowed me to continue going into the next grade, because I can tell you I absolutely was not there to care about my education or never saw any value in it whatsoever – I was purely there for the friends and socialization. So I would rarely go to class and the closer I got to high school graduation – the less I cared to actually show up. I will admit there were other influences at play at this stage in my life that seemed to be more important to me than to spend my days sitting in a classroom, doing the work.

So ten years later, here I am and here I see some old, familiar patterns resurfacing. Specifically, as I mentioned – ‘the school skipper’.

So I have been working on getting my Associates degree for about 2 years now and will have completed all requirements by this coming spring of 2014. This last semester I really saw how much I was allowing myself to not care as much about being in class – even though I had already realized the simplistic equation and application of being successful in school. Want to hear it? Okay – here it is: Go to class, participate in discussions, do the homework.

Yep – it’s really that simply. The point is to apply yourself, PHYSICALLY, put in the effort, put in the time, put in the energy and ta-da – doing well in school becomes more plausible. I mean I saw this after the first semester of going back to school after 10 years – how simple it could/would be to do well in school. Simply – do the work. I mean, that’s it, there is no magical or difficult strategy one must learn or achieve to do well in school. So for me, it was like all I had to do was apply these points, commit to them, walk them and I would in the end be satisfied because I was doing what I saw was necessary to be done and in that, living up to my potential, giving it my all, basically applying myself.

So even after having this point of realization and seeing how simple it could be, I still allowed my mind to influence me. That is the thing, when one place a simpl, physical structure or schedule for one to walk, it really can be as simple as that – doing it. Yet, then we allow our mind as our thoughts and feelings and emotions and energies and desires and wants to influence and direct us away from what we see is actually possible. I mean the application of this, going to class, doing the homework and participating in class is something one can do to support with self stability, self commitment, self discipline, self determination, motivation – I mean it’s simply another point of support in one’s process of self transformation. You lay out the plan, the direction, the decision, the commitment and you simply do it. It becomes complicated when we allow our mind to interfere and sway us from our stance.

So after a few semesters I started seeing myself give into the resistances to certain classes, the laziness to do the work at home, the uncaring of what grade I actually get because really all I wanted to do was entertain myself and have fun. This is not best for me, obviously, and not best for all because I was accepting and allowing myself to not push myself to be the best I could be, to actually live to my potential, to give it my all and to see what I was actually capable of and thus be a living example for myself and others that we can absolutely change.

I gave into the want to distract, to not face the challenges, to not push myself and basically the results were the output of what I put in. Acceptance of self-mediocrity creates a result/reality/outcome of mediocrity. Though, the catch – I ‘know’ I could have done better. Here again, knowledge is useless unless it is lived.

I am not saying I have failed my classes and did so terrible, yet it’s a point of self honesty – seeing that I did not apply myself in the ways in which I see I absolutely could have/can and thus giving up on myself; not giving myself the opportunity to do my absolute best because really it’s not about doing ‘well’ in school or having all A’s or having all my teachers like me – the point is who I am within my education. And within self honesty, I see I’ve given myself many excuses to not push to my full potential, to take it beyond what I see I am capable of, to actually expand myself and direct myself to be consistent in my school application and so allowing myself to be satisfied with what I've done and who I am. The point would be that satisfaction comes from when I live by principles, do what is best for me/all, do what is necessary and push myself beyond my own self imposed limitations. When I do not do this, I am never satisfied because I can see within myself what I am doing, accepting and allowing and I see it is unacceptable.

The main ‘problem’ is not going to class. In allowing this one simple point, I give allowance to other points such as putting school work off, and because I’m not in class I cannot participate in class and as such, there creates a separation because I am not actively participating in the class, with the teacher and the other students and in this I see it as how one really learns. No just by reading the material and taking notes, but by discussions and sharing perspective and giving insight to our own understanding of the material that is being studied.

So I have not completely failed myself – yet I have not been satisfied with myself and so from here, I will take responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed and give myself solutions to live, commitments to stand by and the actual correction of how to change this point. And then – that is when I must make the decision, in every moment, to LIVE the words I speak/write for myself as the principles in which I will live by, apply and stand within who I am and all that I do. Tomorrow I will continue…

Here I'm closing the distraction point because to continue writing about distractions and what I use to distract myself is not necessarily living the correction and as such, realizing the actual problem. I mean the solution is within the problem and the problem that cause one to seek out a distraction is the unwillingness to become self honest and face what one accepts and allows.

I have used distractions for a multitude of purposes, yet the one point that remain is the unwillingness to stop and change. To actually move myself through any/all energetic reactions or experience that trigger within me, to actually take self responsibility and face what is going on - a distraction is a lacking of self awareness and self willingness to get to know self for real.

I mean, the moment I give myself the apparent choice to choose a distraction, I am absolutely implying that I don't care to know why I am running away from myself, why I want to hide out from myself, why I am not willing to see what is going on that is supporting me to think I must avoid whatever it is that is happening within me.

I mean, a distraction is an abdication of self responsibility. It is actually a choice to be enslaved and to stay the same and so an act of dis-empowerment, because the moment I make the decision to distract myself is the moment I am prolonging an opportunity to expand myself within seeing who I am in within myself, within my mind, within the relationships I have created towards everything in my reality and when I do not gift myself with walking through a moment of not allowing a distraction, I am basically saying I don't care about myself, I don't care about this life, I don't care about others, I don't care to change - I simply don't care to put an ounce of effort into this one, amazingly 'here' opportunity I have to be self directive and do that which I know is necessary to be done within the actual, physical changing of oneself in this world - and that is to NOT submit to the instructions in the mind that we have programmed unto ourselves in doing the same thing over and over and over again - expecting somehow, magically that same, continuous action will produce a different result.

Let's get real and see who we are actually accepting and allowing of ourselves and thus what we are accepting and allowing within/as this world, the moment we want to hide away in a distraction. The reason we don't want to face ourselves and instead turn to a distraction to comfort us in our un-comfort-ability is because we have created ourselves and this life to be that which is not best for all - that which is jealous and envious and deceitful and shameful and absolutely a lesser version of what Life is and so of course we want to not face who we are - because it's right here in front of us, it exists within the very thoughts and images within your mind and the words we speak without an awareness - it is clear we have created ourselves to be that which is not worthy of life and so yes, obviously we want to cower from the truth because we have created ourselves to be less than the truth of who we are.

Realize it will take a process to rid ourselves of the destruction we allow and have allowed throughout the ages - distractions are simply a cover up to not have to face the music, to not have to see the truth of what is being accepted and allowed within each one. So stop attempting to walk around the point that is so clearly being shown to us in various circumstances in our world - we are responsible for being the change we want to see in this world, we are responsible for the evil-natured beings we have become - we are responsible for why nothing is changing - because we've accepted ourselves to put it away for another day thinking it will be there for us when we are ready. Realize the only moment we have is this moment, here and now and what we do with each moment we have is the truth of who we are. So I can no longer allow distractions to be the blame for what I'm trying to cover up - I must be the reason to no longer allow myself to use and abuse the time I have on earth. I've heard that time is always against us, yet I realize the vastness of one moment when one actually slow down, stop and breathe and see the moment as opportunity we have in each and every single breath to do what is best for all and that is to start changing our behavior, our habits, our patterns that keep us trapped in a cycle of self abuse.

Distractions might not seem to be such a heavy point to come so hard on self about - yet the reality of what we are actually doing is not pretty... we are in the end waiting around for something to move us when we are more than capable of moving ourselves in this moment. There are billions of people on this planet that would trade places with you in one moment, with the willingness to do whatever is necessary to be done in this world to create a place of real worth, within and without and here we sit, in our comforted, heated houses, sitting around a Christmas tree pretending to care about giving when we would not dare stand in the shoes of another person in this world who is without a job, without money, without a home and begging daily to get their next meal.

Let's stop distracting ourselves and let's stop waiting for something outside of ourselves to move ourselves - we are the ONLY ones that can do it, and the longer we wait the longer it takes so let's get moving.

20 December 2013

Naps, Facebook, sex, relationships, movies, entertainment, drugs, the mind - various ways we use things to distract ourselves from what is actually going on within ourselves and so our world.

When I look more at this point of distractions and what I use to distract myself - it's like I've been missing the actual point that is here, which is WHY I am distracting myself. The act of distrACTion is to not have to face what is really going on with self, to not really have to deal with or sort out what's going on within ourselves or our reality. It's a way to not have to do anything, to avoid and resist and basically ignore.

I am in the mode of wanting to distract myself and distracting in itself is like a resistance, It's like I do not want to have to face how I am actually experiencing myself, what specifically I am having reactions to or what is the trigger point that activated this experience of myself because in the end, it's like there is not 'want' to take self responsibility. There is no real want to change. There is no real want to address the problem, which is simply and only possibly me. I mean it's my relationship to things that cause me to experience myself the way that I do and determine whether that is positive or negative. And if it's a negative relationship that trigger a negative experience, then it's like fuck this - let me find something to distract myself with, I cannot handle this or face it or even begin to understand what's going on within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to investigate and find out what is going on within me when I experience myself within a negative energy and instead just want to find something to distract myself with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear even the negative experiences I have within myself and not want to face/address and understand where it's coming from and what is going on as to actually give myself solutions and directions to no longer accept this negative experience I'm currently allowing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in experiencing a negative emotion in relation to something within my life, validate it's existence as if it is real in NOT investigating it and instead find ways to distract myself because in this, I'm saying 'shit - I cannot deal with this, this is more than me' and so dis-empowering myself from actually realizing the power I do have to stop and change me in no longer accepting my emotions and feelings to simple be me and instead find out what triggered it, what thoughts or back chats are fueling it and what ideas I'm holding within my mind about me or the thing I'm reacting to to then be able to walk a process of release myself from the experience

I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the negative experiences and reactions I have in relation to people and situations in my life and instead want to just distract myself in thinking it's 'too much' and 'i cannot handle it' instead of realizing that I can actually handle it as it is here for me to face and so I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see all experiences or reactions that i Have come up within my mind as points of support to release myself from what i have created relationships to in my life and within me that cause separation as internal conflict

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to validate the belief that i cannot handle the negative experiences/emotions that arise within me when I accept and allow myself to instead find something to distract myself with or entertain myself with as to run away form the point

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to accept the experience of feeling shitty in relation to a negative experience and to want to avoid this experience through using something as a distraction from it, seeking something better, as a positive feeling, yet not really getting out the problem in the first place, only suppressing it and 'putting it away' for later realizing I will eventually have to face the truth of me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'going into' the negative experiences/emotions I have as not writing about the points and applying self forgiveness but too instead turn the other cheek and pretend they don't exist and continue on what seems to be my past acceptance of a positive feeling/thoughts creating a positive reality

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to think and believe that if I ignore the negative and not pay attention to the negative experiences I have, then it will just 'go away' instead of realizing that it never just goes away, I am only ignoring the point and so suppressing it, yet still allowing it to exist within me and thus validating it's existence

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that if I find something to distract me from the negative experiences I have as finding something that is 'better' and makes me feel good, which is the search for Positivity, the negative experience will just go away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the positive experience and not the negative experience as suggesting one is better than the other instead of realizing that if it wasn't for the negative experience, I would not be on a quest for positive feelings and so one does not exist within the other

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue to participate in trying to find the positive thing in my life to make me feel better within a fear of the negative things - instead of realizing i Have decided what is positive and what is negative and in this polarity relationship - causing instability within myself instead of a stable self here, that moves without the polarity of positive or negative experiences to move me in one direction or the other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the positive feeling I'm looking for in the distractions I use throughout my days yet to deny the negative experience, suggesting one is more real than the other, yet both are one and the same and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the way to approach BOTH experience, both sides of the polarity is also one and the same, with self investigation, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements and application as I see/realize/understand that both is a con of consciousness and does not take into consideration practical reality life and living and instead only serves self interest and is only a point of pre-occupation and limited self definition - implying me as a human can only be positive or negative and through my defining as one better than the other, attempt to seek out and experience that one - instead of getting back to reality and stop fooling myself in thinking feelings and emotions and the experience they create are what is actually real in this world or actually who I am.

I commit myself to stop resisting the negative experience and thus seek a distraction as attempting to move towards a positive experience

I commit myself to question and investigate both the negative and positive experience within me

I commit myself to realize that the positive and negative experiences I have are NOT real, but only limited ways of existing through how I've come to define or shall I say JUDGE certain things as either positive or negative and so determine who I am and how I experience myself according to that and so here I commit myself to redefining who I am and my relationship with ALL things to no longer be that of polarity as either positive or negative but to instead be of equality and oneness - an equilibrium, stability and so seeing what is actually here and not how I've come to define things within polarity

18 December 2013

Continuing with the Napping Distractions and some words to support myself to correct/change the pattern and relationship I've created towards it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship towards sleeping/napping that is a point of distraction within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use napping within a starting point of self interest and not as physical support as rest for my physical body when/as it's required

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping/napping as a way in which to avoid, hide out, run away and essentially, not take responsibility for myself in this Life and in this World and simply, each of my days

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping/napping as a point of distraction from not becoming self directive in all things in my life

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define sleeping as something positive as in the hopes of dreaming - defining the vivid dreaming I have experienced in naps as something that is cool and I look forward to and so I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prefer the movie in my mind as a form of entertainment more than actual Life and living - revealing I've never realized what is actually means to Live and have instead submitted to be a slave that sits back and 'watches the show' instead of becoming an active participant within this world

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define and thus create a negative relationship towards certain responsibilities within my days where I will end up wanting to avoid and resist actually walking through them/applying myself within them and getting things done and so instead choose to create a polarity relationship in search of a positive feeling which I then to turn to napping as to not have to face the negative relationship I've created towards certain things during my day

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use sleeping/napping as an alternative to not have to face the negative experience/relationship I've created to certain parts of my day/certain responsibilities and thus use sleeping/napping as a temporary solution yet is obviously not a real solution as it only prolongs the inevitable which is I will have to get done/complete what i'm responsible for and so I've accepted and allowed myself to put off standing responsible for things within my day with naps realizing it's not a real solution and only adds more time to the time-frame in which it will take to get things done and so here I realize the simple, preventative solution is to simply DO THE WORK and not accept anything less of myself as I see/realize/understand that these naps are not self supportive but only self interest in feeding the wants of the mind instead of what is practically necessary to get done in my days

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as the statement throughout my life of, "I sleep to dream", revealing here that I've come to value the mind more than real life and thus only exposes the real nature of me as I seem to be too preoccupied in entertaining myself within dreams instead of living for real, doing what is best to create a world that is best for all and thus no longer requiring a point of escape

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the reactions as resistance I have towards certain responsibilities within my life and instead turn to napping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use napping in a self destructive way that does not support me within life or living but only supports me as a mind as a program that is conditioned to 'want' to nap whenever there arise a resistance within my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to nap instead of directing myself through moments of resistance

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize the tools to become/stand self directive as moving myself through resistance and wants that I see and realize only support a pattern I've created to hide out and not face/take responsibility for myself and what is necessary or even possible to be done in a day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot stop the pattern of napping as I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself enough so that it is an automatic option that arise within me when I face a moment of resistance or an opportunity to direct myself to make a decision of how to best utilize my time during the day and thus not slow myself down enough to see the justifications and excuses I have and am using in allowing myself to not move myself through a resistance

When and as I see myself resisting moving myself/directing myself through a particular moment as a resistance to continuing my day and the responsibilities I have and 'think' I would like to nap instead, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down in this moment to bring myself back to the awareness of me here and the realization that this is a pattern/moment I must stand and walk through in no longer accepting and allowing myself to give into resistance as another distraction I've allowed to preoccupy myself and my time and my days with. giving into a pattern I've created to hide out and escape from myself, my reality and thus not really giving myself an opportunity to live and actively participate with all the moments I have in a day and so here I commit myself to slow myself down the moment I see myself come to the CONclusion I will take a nap, I breathe in releasing the energy as the want/desire to run away from what I am resisting and instead decide to breathe and not give in and to move myself physically as a physical action of changing myself in that moment in not going into the pattern of a nap
I see/realize/understand that every time I accept the 'want' to nap I am

I commit myself to change my relationship towards napping from a distraction to physical support for/as my physical body

I commit myself to use self forgiveness if/when faced with a moment of 'wanting' to nap that seems to be too strong to stop in one moment and so use the tool to release myself from the energy as the pull to make a decision I see no longer is best for me

I commit myself to investigate the negative relationships I have created towards certain responsibilities within my day where I come face to face with the want to nap as the positive feeling/experience I seek to not have to face me

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to exist automatically as a decision to nap when I 'think' I am tired or there is nothing to do

I commit myself to realize the opportunities I have within each moment of my days and as such, each breath I breathe and to take full advantage of what i have here and the potential within me that i can support myself to express when I push through and change patterns I exist within and throughout my day that i see no longer serve me or what is best for all/me

14 December 2013

Another point in my life where I've created this distraction-relationship towards is sleeping and specifically naps.

I did some blogs about this point a few months ago as something I was going to give myself direction with and well basically, I stopped giving direction to it within blogs and instead 'tried' to simply correct the point - meaning - changing the pattern of how I would use naps or go into napping. That did not necessarily work as I see it's still used as a point of distraction. It's like if I find I have some time to get things done or 'feel' as if I have some 'extra time', I will want to take a nap. Yet this has caused some internal conflict because in a way, I see there is so many other things I could be doing with my time instead of just sleeping.

I mean there is nothing wrong with naps, they can be supportive for the physical when it's required, yet my relationship towards napping is definitely a point of distraction as it will be made as a decision in the moment to avoid/resist something that I have yet to do or complete. And there is a particular pattern that I see will play out with it. Either after my morning responsibilities are done with and I have a moment to get breakfast and get dressed and maybe do Pilates, after that it's this point of 'back to work'. So either I've had class or some time before class and so here is where I have struggled with this point of napping. It's like an automatic option that comes up, usually within the experience of "I'm tired" - so it's not an actual physical point of support, as at this point I've only been up for a couple hours. It's absolutely a mental point in relation to giving into an experience of resistance and avoidance and wanting to put things off. It's like an ultimate giving up point, like "this is too much, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I will nap instead"

Another point it's used is after I've been working during the day or been in class during the day. I will find myself want to come home and 'rest', but with a nap. This point particularly I've been able to support myself in stopping and simply come home and instead continue with what is necessary still in my day to do - any responsibilities still requiring my direction and attention - I will come home and get them done.

So the point more here still requiring correction is the mid-day/morning naps I will want to take.

This is a distraction. An avoidance, I running a way, a hiding out and a postponement.

Another point in my life I've used to distract myself from in not supporting myself to develop myself in such a way where I am satisfied with my living application. I do see how this point influence me in the rest of the day, it's like if I go into napping, then the rest of the day I'm carrying around this guilt because I knew I did not stand at the moment of decision to actually direct myself in continuing AWAKE in my day, and instead decided to sleep away some of my day as to put off what is here for me to do.

It's quite interesting how I've come to prefer sleeping over being awake, I mean obviously it says a lot about even my relationship towards life and living. This is also a relationship that I've created throughout my life, where in my past, naps was used as a way to 'pass the time' when I was bored or had nothing to do and I use to even say the words, "I sleep to dream." So it's like I looked forward to napping because I would find that I always dreamed more vividly during those napping times and in that, it was like another form of entertainment - or simply, a distraction. I defined my dreams as more interesting than my waking life.

I mean I no longer have that point of being 'bored' in my life because there are many things for me to do and get done and participate with and I'm grateful that I've giving myself my own purpose in life in terms of giving myself some sort of direction in life and realizing that there is SO much to do in this world, that one cannot possibly be bored - boredom is absolutely an acceptance within the Mind that is bullshit. So napping is no longer used as a point of boredom or to pass the time - yet it's still a form of distraction because I will use it to not be self directive, to not walk fully within all the hours of my day to do what is necessary to be done. I mean how many hours have I missed in my life through accumulating daily naps - I mean after so many years, that is a lot of time I've wasted and giving up when I could have used to develop myself in way that is best for me and best for all. So another point of squandering the gifts and opportunities I have in every moment, when I go into naps, it's like I'm giving away the gift of life I've been giving - it's like I am saying, "no thanks Life, I don't care to be awake for this"

So I see what I'm allowing within this and how i'm not really giving myself the best possible chance to change myself in a substantial way. I mean I have a limited time on this Earth, I do not know when death will come and so why am I not living fully every moment I have to be awake, to be here, to be directive and to get things done in this world that truly matter. I mean what I do with the time I have on earth absolutely define who I am and I can see how this point of napping and the nature of my relationship to it as being a distraction is not supporting my in any way whatsoever - instead it is a point of self destruction as it only carries a burden of the acceptance and allowance within it - because I see who I am within allowing such a point and so, I choose to stop and correct it and instead live my life FULLY and awake, every moment I have available to do whatever it is I can to establish myself within who I am within and without - as my nature and as this world. I mean change is absolutely possible, so I must be willing to give myself every opportunity I have and that is within each waking moment of breath.

13 December 2013

That is a point I'm continuing with and going to look at the various ways I've distracted myself as a way to not face myself, to not be here but to simply entertain myself, constantly looking for a form of reward. The reward is usually as positive energy, feeling, experiences, ect - but it's not just a looking for this - it is an attempt to hide from something, to avoid something, to postpone something, to run away from something. Simply put it is an act of fear, fear of facing self and the responsibility I have in this World - of who I am and what I have created and so, what I accept and allow.

So first distraction I see I use within my life for this point of deliberate avoidance/escapism is obviously - the mind. The Mind as memories and fantasies and images and desires and future projections. It could be a wish of some potential outcome to play out or a past conversation I've had with someone. Usually when I'm allowing such a point of distraction within me, it's because I'm generating some positive feelings/experiences within it. So it's just another form of addiction I've allowed within myself in seeking the almighty high. I mean - when I have negative reactions or recall negative experiences with others - I am not too willing to go into my Mind and replay the moment, unless it's based in a dimension I make up of 'what I would have done or what I would have said' that somehow makes me mightier than them or makes me feel better - so another point of self medicating - yet not really looking at the actual problem, only soothing the ego that took something personally or was offended and thus blaming another.

So the Mind is the ultimate distraction and I see how I use it to distract me from moments of breath, of doing, of living, of being here, of being aware, of taking responsibility, of changing actually. Every time I allow myself to participate in what's going on in my mind - as a movie screen in front of my eyes, I am distracted from the actual reality that is physically here and slip away into the illusion - so that is separation. The Mind is not bad or to be blamed or to be feared, it is in fact a tool we use, yet we have enslaved ourselves to it as we've become automatic in accepting what's going on within our Minds; our thoughts, our back chats, our imaginations, our fantasies, our future projections, our memories - we actually think that is who we really are and in that, enslaved ourselves to it by accepting it. And in this acceptance of it - we are distracted from what is actually necessary from us within each day we have here - we are distracted from the real matters as hand; what is going on within ourselves, what is going on within this world, what is going on within our relationships - basically we are busy distracting ourselves from seeing the truth of who we are and what this world is and what we have done/become.

The mind is the distraction. The breath is key. At least the starting point in slowing down to then be able to make our way through our Mind as we get to know what we've constructed ourselves to be as just mind constructs as programs that we run on, automatically - the 'if this, then that' equation as what is going on around us - triggers a reaction within us, and we act 'without thought', yet it's the Mind and we are too busy simply following this program to realize we are actually distracting ourselves, from what is actually HERE. The moment I allow myself to participate in the mental reality that is my mind, is the moment I've distracted myself from what is necessary to be done in this world, the responsibility and opportunity I have in one moment, and that is to establish myself as self directive, self aware and walking within principles to produce a world that is best for all, within me and on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from myself within and as the Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a point of distraction, as a way to avoid the responsibility I have within this world, as who I am and thus how I interconnect and interact with what is here and thus what this world actually is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from the responsibility I have within this world through participating in the mind in seeking energy as a high of positive feelings that is simply another drug I've created a dependency on as thinking I 'need' it in life and that without it, I will not live or I will not be happy or I will not enjoy life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in my mind in defining living without the mind and the positive feelings I can generate within it as something I cannot live without, in thinking life will be boring without it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to participate in creating and sustaining a world that I do not want to be in, where I would rather go into the illusions of my mind where I can make up all sorts of realities that make me feel good and then become satisfied with that and thus not care about what is actually going on this world because I'm too busy distracting myself from what is REAL and what is my responsibility to correct

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a point of distraction instead of as a tool in which I can use, instead it uses me to resource energy from my physical body that I could put to good use through living actions daily that can produce a world that is best for all - yet I'm too busy distracting myself in putting my time and attention and energy into the mind

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from my physical breathing, as being here, self directive and self aware, when I participate in the mind as memories, fantasies, back chats, imaginations and future projections

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to distract myself from what is real in this world in beLIEving what is in my mind is actually who I am

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in distraction as that which is my mind as a way to not have to face the fact that I am responsible for what this world reflects as who I am within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a distraction to not have to face myself, who I am and how I live and the reality that I'm not actually living when I am participating in the mind

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give value to the distraction that is my mind

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mind as a distraction, instead of taking responsibility for what my mind currently is and my relationship towards it and how I use it - which currently is a form of distraction to postpone, avoid, hide out and run from the reality of myself and the reality of this world and thus the responsibility I have to face and change me/it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to want to distract myself with my mind as a way to exist in fear of changing - in taking responsibility for me and all that is here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a distraction from what is actually going on within me - my real experience and what actually exists within me as the layers of memories and reactions that I've stored within me/my physical body/my mind to keep my preoccupied enough to not question anything of me or this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a distraction from my daily responsibilities and moments of breath where I have opportunities to be self directive and responsible and actual free in choosing who I will be, what I will and will not accept and allow of myself and thus no longer allowing myself to live a life of hiding out in the distractions of my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can continue to distract myself with memories and images and fantasies and future projections and desires within my mind and not face the consequences I've already created of not being here and doing everything I can with the time I have as each and every breath, to do what is necessary to be done to bring through solutions to my life and the life of all

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to be too distracted by my mind as self interest to care to see what is going on in this world, what exists, how it functions and thus getting to know it to then be able to bring about solutions

When and as I see myself becoming distracted by what is going on within my mind and thus not here, as the breath, I stop and I bring myself back to breathing and out of the distraction that is my mind when I participate in memories, imaginations, thoughts, future projections, fantasies, desires, etc as I see/realize/understand that when I am not here, breathing, then I am participating in the mind and thus distracting myself from what is actually real and necessary to be done in this world and the process I must walk to bring about change within and without and thus I commit myself to stop being busy distracting myself through allowing participation within the mental reality that is my mind and instead choose to walk with principles that support me in grounding back into the physical reality and out of the illusions of the mind, in this I commit myself to the decision to face myself, as this reality, as what is here within and without to thus see the problems that require solutions and so as this, I commit myself to become self responsible for who I am here in each moment, what I've created as me and thus as this world

11 December 2013

I would like to open up a new point here and a new opportunity for myself to let go of the many distractions I've allowed within myself and thus in my process of actually getting real.

A point I saw today as I was coming home from the store and walking into the house and through the living room and into the dining room, was this point of self responsibility and self awareness and how in each moment we have this amazingly great opportunity to really become intimate with ourselves and our environment/physical reality - but how so often we allow something to distract us from what is actually here and thus who we are within and as what is actually Here.

I have come to see this point previously in my process - this point of self responsibility within every moment I have as each breath and what I specifically do within/as each of the moments - how do I shut the front door, do I leave things as I found them - do I deliberately and specifically move myself in actually directing what I am doing or am I in a rush and moving without awareness and not taking care and thus note of what is actually here in every single moment of my day.

It's amazing to see how much time actually exists - how much space and room we have in an actual moment within space and time as a single breath. I mean this point of 'slowing down' really come into focus when I look at all the decisions I make throughout my day and how in each moment of breath, I have what seems like eternity to make a decision within self awareness, self honesty and self responsibility. Yet the key here - would be to be HERE - to actually be aware of myself in each of these moments; each of these opportunities I have in every single breath to define who I am and thus who I will be in this Life. I mean I really have no excuse when I see the vastness of one single moment - one single decision I can make in every moment as a breath to establish who I am in this Life.

The choice has usually been to distract myself. To detract from actual physical reality, from my very physical breath and to go into the Mind - to see what is going on in 'there', what is busy playing out and how I experience myself within that. I am constantly distracting myself from what is actually here and the greatest of opportunity I have in one single breath. The vastness of a breath. That point really came through tonight - the who I am in each and every single moment, the choices and decisions I am making that are accumulating to be the outcome of who I am. That is the process - the moment to moment process and opportunity I have to actually decide, for MY-SELF, who I am and what I will be in this life - the actual ability to DIRECT myself and no longer exist in automation without awareness of what I am touching, what I am hearing, what I see and how I am moving.

I mean there is such a gift before us that we are so completely oblivious too and it's because we have submitted to distractions of the Mind, the distractions of energy as experience and the desire to fulfill ourselves with what makes us feel good - what keeps us from actually being here - the constant search for reward. The addiction to energy.

I realize the gift I have and perhaps have squandered in walking this Process and how I have not really taking hold on what I have here before me and as Me and what is actually possible when one dare to slow down and be directive in each moment in seeing who I am, what am I accepting and allowing in this moment, will I accept and allow something less than who I really am and what I see I am capable of or will I make a decision to Stand, within each moment I breathe, to become Self Responsible and Trustworthy in and as Life. I mean I see that point when I do not lock the gate to the living room - returning it to the state in which I found it and taking consideration of the other people I live with. I see this in how I wash the dishes - if I am hitting the side of the sink because I am not being careful and specific in my movements. I see this when I am slamming doors and not actually touching the physical walls and floor that support me - when I am too busy distracted by what's going on in my mind, what experiences I am having or what internal voices are talking to me as the back chat of what I would say to another.

I mean have a look - dare to look at one simple moment of yourself and how you move in your physical body and your physical reality. Are you actually touching and thus feeling the cup in your hand? Do you actually hear the noises in your environment, do you actually consider the people around you and do to others what you would have done unto you? I mean these are simple things we can do that would produce a life without shame and real integrity - of an actual Awareness as the Decision of Who I am and no more room for questions, "what am I doing, who am I, where am I going, what just happened." Every single moment we have the gift to decide that for ourselves. Yet it takes a process to SLOW DOWN because we have for so long distracted ourselves from this actual physical reality, our physical bodies and the breath that sustains our life. We have separated ourselves from what is actually Real as physicality for the movies in our Minds and our eternal search to feel good.

I have used many things to distract me in life - many points that provide a tunnel vision for me to not actually Stand Here, in Reality, fully aware of Myself in every moment and what is actually here as my environment and thus able to direct myself within principles that are in fact Best for All. I mean I see the opportunity and the gift and the actual ability to decide in each moment who I am and whether I am standing Here or going into the Mind, looking for another fix of self interest - I mean that is such a limited acceptance of what is Life. And that's the thing - it's just an experience, it's not even REAL.

I will embrace this point I see here and move myself to slow myself down to become responsible for deciding who I am in each moment. I realize that it will take a process - yet the more I walk and the more difficult it might seem to be - the more I learn about myself and glimpse into the potential of what Life could really Be and what actually exists in a Single Moment and to me that is Worth it.

I will continue with this point in looking more closely at the points I've used as distractions in my life. There are some major players I've used in my life to distract myself with to keep me from seeing me and what is actually here, now I decide to take responsibility in getting back to reality - which ultimately is back to the real Me as what is actually here in every single Moment as breath.

It was of a girl I was in dance class with. Her name was Tiffany and she was liked by everyone in our class, including me. I felt inferior to her and so how within myself, I defined her according to specific things about her. Such as her smile - she had such a big smile with such white teeth and to me that was beautiful. She looked just like her mom and I remember thinking, "they are so lucky." Her family were wealthy, or at least I remember feeling like I had less money then her family and so within this defined myself as inferior to her. She was a specific point in my reality at that age that I used as a point of comparing myself to - defining myself as inferior to her based on physical attributes, her family and how everyone seemed to like her. It's almost as if because it seemed everyone liked her, she was 'likable', I associated my definitions of her as being the reason why she was liked. And so in that, I must have decided that these are the qualities that define one's acceptance from others - how others would like and accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Tiffany as better than me through comparison - seeing her as more attractive then me based on defining her smile as big and beautiful and to within this, feel inferior to her, think that I was less than her and she was better than me because of her smile and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive definition towards a big smile and to within this define it as beautiful and thus wish to attain that which I accepted as being better than me as how I accepted myself to define her by/as her smile

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define Tiffany as wealthy and think her family must be wealthy and to within this think she was so lucky because she seemed to have an easy life - being liked and being beautiful and being wealthy and so within this, comparing myself to her, defining myself as less than and inferior and ultimately envious of her and her life - judging me and my life

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through comparing myself to Tiffany - as if that is an acceptable way to exist, it was an automatic way of being - to see another and compare them as better or worse than me and then according to this, define myself. and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use Tiffany as a way to define myself - judging her and thus judging myself based on physical appearance, clothing, family and wealth as determining factors of self definitions - of who she was/is and thus who I was/am

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within seeing Tiffany based on only the way that she looks and think that is all that she is and to then within this - define myself according to my physical look and think that is all that I am

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the reason everyone seemed to like Tiffany in my dance class was because of how I saw her through my own eyes - as being beautiful and having a nice family and being wealthy and to then within this - define that as how one can attain acceptance and being liked in this world - through being seen as beautiful and wealthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store this memory within my mind as the image of Tiffany and thus the self definitions I accepted as myself through comparing myself to and use it throughout my life as a guideline for which I must strive, in initially judging, accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior, desire to achieve the polarity as superior and when placing myself as inferior to Tiffany, I saw her as Superior and all the qualities I accepted that made her that way and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use memories and people from my past as the starting point for who I am, how I live and what I accept and allow within and as myself - realizing that it is a starting point within life that is of separation from life and thus does not support me or what is best for all yet only exists in this constant search of an illusion as the memory/image in my mind I believe I must become

When and as I see myself accessing comparisons through defining myself in relation to others as being inferior or superior - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body here and do not allow myself to continue existing in how I've come to accept who I am and thus who others are and instead change my ways in the moment of not allowing myself to define myself or others within my mind through comparisons as I see/realize/understand that the definitions I give to myself through comparing myself to others are limited qualities and do not actually define who one is - it simply defines who I am and what i am accepting and allowing as limitation within myself and so I commit myself to remove memories of the past that I've use to define myself and live according to as acting out to attain something I have in the past defined as better than me and more than me and thus constantly accepting myself as inferior and having to be better - instead i commit myself to redefine what life is, who I am and what actually matters in this world, which is the equality of all life and not judgment, comparisons or being more or less than someone else

05 December 2013

Earlier Today:
Today I am on the Dr. Oz show and since I’ve been home from the taping – as the date approaches closer and closer I was having resistance and fear of it. The resistance was not wanting to see myself – fear of presenting myself in a way that I did not specifically want – being a part of this discussion that has so many missing elements.

While I was at the studio, in my dressing room, I was handed a ‘script’ from which to see how my segment would go. It was about two questions taken from a 30 min interview I had on the phone with the producer a few days before. So I knew what questions were going to be asked. I looked it over – there were words written in place as my response, but I was told I did not have to follow the words exactly – it was what I wanted to say/share and so it was more for the doc, as to have an idea of what to expect from my response. I looked it over, but did not really give myself the time to consider what would be best for me to say – I did not deliberately decide on how to place my words and present myself in a way that showed clearly my stance in regards to marijuana and addiction.

Over the years I’ve learned to ‘speak in the moment’ and not give myself preparation so much, but to allow myself to express in the moment ‘what is here’. I've done this many times in many of my vlogs, and always or should I say majority of the time, I have a resistance to re-watching or hearing what I said in them. This is the same experience I had after taping my part on the Dr. Oz show. Resistance and fear to what I said, because I did not give myself any time to really consider the best possible way to place my words that stand as who I am and what is best for all – bringing through the point of responsibility and the nature of addiction. So I fear I was not represented correctly or that I was ‘forced’ into a stance in relation to the topic without being able to give more information about it.

However – I did have a couple hours before the taping to do this – to give myself direction in terms of what I would say specifically. Yet I did not utilize the time I had effectively – I was nervous and ‘trying’ to calm myself and remain present and not go into the energy of fear and excitement I was having. So when I got on stage and I was sitting in my seat and the segment started – and eventually he introduced me and asked me the questions – I had no idea what I was going to say. I spoke in the moment.

Now I’m not saying this is a ‘bad’ thing, yet I also can see within self honesty, I could have been more directive with myself in terms of knowing exactly what I was going to say so that I did not later have this experience of resistance and fear. I mean maybe it would have been the same experience – yet I see that my resistance and fear experience is in relation to what I said, how it will be received by others and not living up to the best of my ability in terms of being self responsible for my words in that short interview – that so many would see.

So it’s definitely some interesting points I am facing through this opportunity that opened up – and with the air date being today, I am experiencing myself as less resistant. Probably because the reality of it is that it’s now here, the show will be aired, nothing I can do to stop it – lol, so must simply walk through it. I realize the moment I make this something bigger in my mind, then I become less than it and abdicate the power I have to who I am here and thus separate myself from those moments and thus how I currently experience myself. It’s ‘just’ national television, it’s ‘just’ going to be seen by millions of people. It does not necessarily define who I am or what life is really about or even what I am busy day to day as my living responsibility and the decision to walk my process out of the mind and into physical living. It was a moment in time that gave me insight into myself, to see what is still existing within me – to see what I am capable of or what I still have to work on/with.. It was a point of support for me as I walk my process and definitely shed light on more of who I've accepted myself to be in this life and what we currently have as our manifested world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist watching myself on the show as a reaction to the moment wherein I think and believe I said something or presented myself in a way that will not be received well by others or within this even, fear that I will not be represented in ways where I feel safe and secure where I am satisfied with how I think others will see me - still giving power to the perceptions of others instead of standing within who I am as principles that support me to be the best version of myself, here

Later Today:
I watched the episode and was interesting to see my reactions. I reacted negatively to how I physically looked and in that an experience of dread because perhaps that was what my initial reaction/fear/resistance was in relation to how I would look. Long throughout my life I have given much value to my physical appearance and desired for that to be a point of perfection (within how the system defines it) and as a point of an ultimate self definition as to say 'this is who I am'.

Obviously this is quite a limitation and illusion to think and believe that who I am is measured by how I look, the measurement is actually in who I am in RELATION to my look, to where I place my values, in how I see myself and thus how I see others. It's been a process I've walked, and am still walking, to let go of this point of self definition, realizing I was not living in any kind of substantial way - believing that all I am or can be or have to offer is a picture presentation. That is the imaginary world of the mind that exists as images and we as humans have just become pictures walking around, with nothing behind the scenes sort to speak that acts in any real, substantial way - we limit ourselves to a surface look and fail to within this, create any depth or substance to who we are. Or even - we separate ourselves from the actual substance, that depth of the physical - the flesh that we all are that comes in various forms and shapes. All species and all forms of Life on this planet vary in the 'look' and yet we are all manifested physical form in this manifested physical reality. We are in that, Equal, and yet we have created ourselves to be only an picture, an image and we walk around casting judgment on ourselves and each other - not giving any value to the real value of this world which is Life as the physical flesh, the body of earth and all that is here.

It's like I, for so long, saw myself as only a body that was a look that I wanted others to define as attractive and to within that, feel special and safe in this world, because of how our world is structured in terms of what we define as 'valuable' - we have said certain physical attributes are more attractive than others and thus somehow better. We've failed to see the functionality of the human physical body and all that is does for us, in every moment, to sustain our very existence here, what is deeper within our bodies beyond the surface image. Same with the Body of the Earth - we look at nature and see it as beautiful or ugly, yet we don't look beyond the surface and consider the functionality, the expression, the support it stands as that ALLOWS us to be here, to perhaps realize our equality - how everything interconnects and exists equally together from/as/within the same origin as the matter of Earth.

So the point that came through while watching the Dr. Oz show today was firstly my reaction to how I looked and defining myself as unattractive - yet then hearing my words and how I spoke and my overall presence - that is what stood out to me. That is where the "value" of my looks no longer mattered because who I was as how I spoke, in the moment, trusting myself to express me here, to share myself, is something I can stand by. That is then where I saw again this point of who we are as what actually matters is our words, our stance, our presence, our beingness and how we express ourselves. The image of me faded into the background and I was actually proud of myself. What matters is how I live and what I physical do as the actions I take daily and who I am within that - not the shape of my body or the structure of my face. The image of me becomes pointless because I remain a human physical being able to express myself and stand for what is best for all and what is best for myself and all are able to do that equally - that is real value.

An important point here as well for myself to realize is that my experience should not change according to how I react to something - whether I define it as good or bad or I'm satisfied or not, the point is to remain stable within who I am and not be influenced by how I perceive something. My experience before watching the show was fear and resistance and after it was stable - regardless I must remain stable within who I am - the actual stance of myself as a decision of who I am in each moment and not be directed by anything outside of me. If I am not satisfied with something, it does not have to be an emotional reaction that consumes me, it simply requires my attention and direction to decide what requires to be changed and to ensure I am clear in relation to it. If I am satisfied with something, it should not be within a positive feeling that makes me feel better - it can simply be a point of seeing it as cool without further defining myself as adding more layers to the self-created ideas of me that exist in the illusion of the mind and thus still in separation of who I am actually here as Life.

So grateful for this overall experience and cool to see where I am still limiting myself in my own expression in allowing myself to continue to define myself according to 'how I look' - which is a filter constructed by accepting and allowing others ideas of beauty or attractiveness. What is beautiful is to step beyond our own limitations and what is attractive is to express self in the moment within self honesty - no fear, no limitations, no ideas - simply in the moment, as breath, as the physical environment and engaging in a moment with physical reality, standing equal to physical substance and not values of the mind. It is a process that I will continue to walk as I realize I have not perfected myself - I still hold ideas of myself that are out of alignment to what matters in this world - actual physical matter - my body, my breath, other humans, the animals, all of nature, the earth as a whole - this physical universe that is Here.... EQUALITY and Oneness, What is Actually Best for All.

In my next blog, I am going to go back and apply the self forgiveness for the memories identified within the superiority/inferiority point I opened up as this value of one's look I see is sustained through such memories and thus what I am still currently accepting and allowing.