My Husband Is Gay and Yours Probably Is Too

I would like to take the time to publicly thank the conservative Christians of the world.

Without them, I never would have known my husband was gay.

In fact, if you haven't seen the ChristWire list utilizing every gay stereotype on the block, you'd best get over there and hit it.

You never know, your husband could be gay too.

After all:

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1. My husband texts. A lot. He texts me. He texts my MOTHER. He texts a mom with whom he helps run the local soccer program. He texts people at work. He loves him some texting.

Why I should worry (according to ChristWire): "Texting is another favorite trick used by adulterers."

2. He has nice clothes. The sort you read about in GQ. On a recent trip to New York City, I hit BlogHer. He hit Bloomie's.

Why I should worry: "Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex 'hook ups.' They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels."

3. He travels to big cities. See above: trip to New York City. Wherein he enjoyed himself.

Why I should worry: "Big cities offer indulgence of every kind. From gay bars and clubs to prostitutes and sex bathhouses, a man seeking encounters can find them easily if he’s so inclined."

4. He's up on pop culture. He listens to popular music. He watches TV. And here I just thought it made him good at Trivial Pursuit.

Why I should worry: "It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm. Gossip websites, Glee, and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement that genuine heterosexual men avoid."

5. He mows the lawn with his shirt off. It's not just about how gosh darn hot it is out there ladies.

Why I should worry: "He may be craving physical affirmation from other men and desperately looking for hints of shared desires in those around him."

6. He plays Xbox online with his friend's teenage sons. Because our 5-year-old is too young to play Assassin's Creed II.

Why I should worry: "Someone who makes an extra effort to surround themselves with younger men should raise concerns in any community."

7. He does the laundry AND he owns name-brand shampoo.

Why I should worry: "Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home."

8. He doesn't go to church.

Why I should worry: Men who have "a lack of interest in spiritual issues" are just looking for young men.

9. My first kiss came out in college.

Why I should worry: "Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships."

Thank Gawd the satirists at ChristWire filled me in. We've been married almost 10 years and have one kid to show for it. It's about time someone told me.