I'm having a crisis of faith right now. It's not so much that I don't believe in God. I've covered that ground with Him before. I just don't know what He thinks of me. How much is He involved in my daily life? Does He care if I'm late to work? Does He care if I get up on time? Does He care if I exercise? Where is the line that is drawn to show when things stop mattering to God? By this, I mean, nobody would argue that God cares about what color toothbrush I use. But, does He care which toothpaste? Is it the one that's most natural? Best for my health? Cheapest to fit my budget? Or does it just not matter? Who knows? I don't.

So, I'm reading C.S. Lewis' Surprised By Joy, because it sounds like exactly what I need right now. It's the story of his semi-Christian upbringing, decision to become Atheist, and decision to come back to Christ. I love the title, probably because it gives me hope. Hope that, somehow, someday, in all of this, I will find JOY. And I may even be surprised. Like, maybe it will just pop up, smack me in the face one day and say, "Here I am! Right where you least expected me!"

In a quick conversation online with a friend this evening, she encouraged me to pray about something. Something kinda off-the-wall, with the implication that this small little thing that's been on my heart could possibly change our entire life. (the details really don't matter right now) My heart stopped. I wondered, "Could God have something like that planned for ME?" I honestly don't think that this particular thing is something God is going to use to change our life. But I think I needed to consider that option for a moment.

I realized that that is what I'm searching for. Is there some big thing God wants me to do? Or does He just want me to be faithful in the small things? Or the small things to prepare for the big thing? At this moment, so many big things that He could ask of me are swirling around in my head. Quite frankly, it's terrifying me. My heart and mind are racing.

It's also exhilarating. An adventure. An adventure planned for ME. An adventure that suits my strengths - or weaknesses? Something that needs ME. Oh, how I want to be useful. Needed. Necessary. My heart wants something that only I can do. That's one thing I love about giving birth. It's something I must do. No one else. There's support from others, of course. There's even options if I were to be unable to do it. But, to give birth and know that it was this great thing that was intended for me and only I could do - to give birth to that child, to bring them out into this world - is truly awe-inspiring to me.

I know my kids need me. Should that be enough? Is there more for me, or is it that I need to see the beauty, the huge impact of giving myself for them? Is Christianity, my life, about giving up my desire to be needed in order to bless my kids? Or is it about realizing that this desire is there for a reason? So many questions. So few solid answers.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on any of my questions! What do you think?

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God is in the business of micro-management. He provided at least 12 feet of snow for me to crash a helicopter into, and precisely enough packing material to send glassware in the mail at precisely the right time. He knows the number of hair on our heads, and cares for each and every one of his children. Like the old song says, "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me" (Luke 12:6-7).

Your other friend was right to encourage you to pray. Philllipians 4:6 says to pray rather than to worry and the next verse promises the peace of God to keep your heart and mind.

I used to think that “waiting on the Lord” was just that – waiting. But my experiences, and the Word, have taught me that waiting on the Lord actually means to act. We know how to act, because he has taught us through his word. Waiting on the Lord is to act with the certain knowledge that His will shall be done. We know who wins, no matter how the game is going at the time. When we are going through it, we don’t understand why. But when we can look back, we can see how he has placed the people and events of our lives just so to work out his perfect will.

I don’t know the specifics of your struggle. But I do know that from the far side of it you will be able to look back and praise Him for how He wove your adventure together just for you. The whole way along we know He orchestrates everything about us. He made sure you had a toothbrush to use, so I guess He’s OK with the color. When counting my blessings I will remember to thank Him that I can see the color of my toothbrush.

But don't you think that individuals have a purpose? Mother Theresa, Einstein, Mozart, Obama, the great teacher, or the stay-at-home mom, aren't they "meant to" do whatever it is that they do? Are you just saying that each person's purpose is equally as noble?

Oh, I SO GET THIS. This questioning. This uneasiness. This wondering what's next. This wishing for answers.

Here's the only truth I have to share today: keep asking, Kristi! I truly believe that the asking and the seeking is what we're supposed to do... what Jesus wants from us. To ask and to seek and to knock... they're the only way to get answers and to find the open doors.

But, oh, IT'S SO HARD, this waiting and wondering. This wild activity we mamas do without knowing the next steps. But we DO know the end goal, I think, and it's this... with every question, with every little piece to the puzzle, we're finding our way Home.

I'll stand here with you - waiting and wondering and asking and seeking - and looking toward Home.

I am reading a book called Victory Over Darkness by Neil T. Anderson that addresses this exact thing. It is about finding your identity in Christ and how in order to find out who you are you have to know who you are in Christ. You have to believe it too. It is an amazing book. I am an avid highlighter when in comes to books and I have managed to highlight on average about half of every page. It has done amazing things for what I believe about myself and what I feel my purpose is. I highly recommend it. I am in no way affiliated with it ...I just can't rave enough about it.