Tim Tam Bliss Balls

It is 4am and I am feeding you. There are tears in my eyes and I’m hoping and praying that this feed stays, that this is something my body doesn’t give up before I am ready.

Today’s post is one of the harder ones that I have written. I fear that no matter how much I try to explain our story their will be judgement, criticism and words and thoughts that will make the pain I’m feeling cut a little deeper.

But perhaps my words will also help someone out there, someone who has been here. Someone who knows just how difficult and self-tortuous it can be.

Perhaps writing the words will help me to accept what is and to let go of how I expected and imagined things would be.

I fed your brother and sister until their first birthday. Although it wasn’t always smooth sailing, there was never need for too much concern or intervention. Your sister, my first, had similar issues to the ones you and I have faced but to a much lesser extent.

With you my little one, despite the weeks dedicated to nothing but feeding, electric pumps, herbal teas and countless sessions with the lovely and ever helpful ABA lady, I haven’t been able to give you what you need.

Despite the countless nurse and doctor appointments and following every bit of advice that came my way, what I have to offer you hasn’t been enough to keep you hydrated and growing, to give your developing body and mind all that it needs. When things were at an all-time low we had no choice but to supplement you. And as my wise and wonderful Aunty said when I first started feeling that I failed you, we did what any caring and responsible parent would do.

Since that moment you have grown and grown and grown. Feeling your wet nappies and knowing you are full and happy makes me happy. Having you weighed and knowing everything is now ok is a relief, as is no longer needing to take you for blood tests. Oh how they broke my heart!

But still I am sorry little girl. So sorry.

Strangely enough I’ve had friends who, for one reason or another, couldn’t feed. I would tell them to let it go, that they were fabulous mums and needn’t give it another thought. That they love their babies unconditionally and that is what matters.

I know one thing they struggled with was being judged by anyone and everyone. By people who didn’t know their story. I now understand exactly how that felt. At the end of the day we are all mums doing what we believe is best for our babies and the mere thought of someone questioning or doubting that can hurt, it can hurt a lot. It is times like this that thicker skin would have come in very handy!

It’s sometimes hard to hear your own words and to take your own advice. But I’m trying. I’m trying to accept what is and I’m trying to not let it upset me. I’m trying to let go of my expectations and to get on with things. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I’ve always done what is best for you baby girl. And it’s you that this is about. It isn’t about me. It’s about you: beautiful, perfect, growing by the day YOU.

Tim Tam Bliss Balls

1 cup dry roasted almonds

10 medjool dates, seeds removed

2 tablespoons almond butter

1 tablespoon maple syrup

2 tablespoons cacao or cocoa

1/2 teaspoon concentrated natural vanilla extract

pinch of salt

Place the almonds and dates into your processor and blend just to roughly chop. You want to leave in some texture and crunch.

Add the remaining ingredients to your processor and mix to gently combine. Press and shape the mixture into balls and place into the fridge to set.

33 comments

Tracey GrimsteadFebruary 18, 2016 - 2:05 pm

Hey there Bianca, I felt your sorrow within your words. I too experienced this with 3 of my 4 children. I am sure you have had lots of advice but when I have read many posts about mammas experiencing this, the same suggestion keeps coming up. They always ask about lip ties. I never knew about this when I was breastfeeding so just in case you too haven’t, I thought I must mention it. What a beautiful experience breastfeeding is and how wonderful to give all of your golden milk to your baby. I truly hope you find what ever works for you and your little Juliet. Lots of love Tracey

Thank YOU so much Tracey! It is always lovely seeing your name come up and I appreciate you sharing your own experience. Juliet has been checked for lip and tongue ties and she is fine. A mixture of bottle and me seems to be working well for her so hopefully we will be able to keep that up. Thanks again. Bianca. x

I supp fed my first child (1st of 4). I had all sorts of problems feeding her. I cried every time I gave her a bottle. The pressure we put on ourselves is crazy. She was a summer baby, which I suspect was half of the problem – it was so hot that year, we had no air conditioning & she was sooo thirsty. It all worked out though. She just turned 18 & she is marvelous & happily does not think I am a bad mother for supp feeding her. Go easy on yourself, you are doing the best you can which is all you can do xo

Thank YOU so much!!! You are spot on! I am glad it all turned our well for you. Juliet seems to be thriving with a mixture of the two so that brightens my days and I have stopped beating myself up about it. x

Oh my lovely, lovely friend, please try to be kinder to yourself. You have NOT failed Juliet, you have done the very best for her and continue to do so. No-one will criticise you, you are the harshest judge of Bianca! The rest of us think you are bloomin’ AMAZING! xxxx

I couldn’t feed either of my boys and felt a complete failure by the second time. I tried everything but after a lot of negative advice and comments from so called professionals and experts on breast feeding one very wise and kind lady sat me down and told me that the most important thing above all was the bond between mother and baby, and me being stressed and crying because I couldn’t produce milk and in pain from trying and my poor baby screaming with hunger and tiredness was not going to help with that bonding experience. Relax enjoy your time with your baby don’t make it a traumatic time for you both xxx

Oh, I feel your pain. I had enormous difficulties feeding my first child, for several months. It’s so hard, and I still feel guilty that I couldn’t exclusively breastfeed her every time I hear another breastfeeding study…

Oh I felt exactly the same as this with my first. My milk didn’t actually come in in the first 5 days (just a tiny amount of colostrum), so he never got enough from me (had lost a substantial amount of weight at day 5 so had to be supplemented then). I continued to feed him and give a top up bottle for 5 months and as you say seeing the growth and weight gain was beautiful but gosh I was upset it didn’t work out like I planned. I felt guilty and disappointed but he’s 4 now and I barely give it a thought!! My second fed beautifully for 12 months so I know it wasn’t just me and a lack of ability!
These Tim tam balls are absolutely amazing!!! Love this recipe – thank you.

My heart aches for you, we too had many many breastfeeding challenges with my first. I managed to mixed feed til she was almost one and then she continued to breastfeed until sometime around her 3rd birthday. No judgement, just empathy. Empathy for the loss you are experiencing. The grief is real, it’s ok to grieve the loss of the type of relationship you thought you would have. And if it helps there is a website for breastfeeding loss. I will try to find it for you.. Sending hugs to you mama xox

I can empathize with you. But as my gramma used to say, as long as bubby is healthy and happy, and I told myself that with all 3 of my children. You tried so much harder than I did. My first had milk allergies, my second I had milk fever and the severe cracks, the pain was horrible, I would rather give birth. Then my last one was a combination of several things and I gave in very early. But I now have 3 beautiful, healthy amazing young adult women, that I am incredibly proud of and they don’t even worry that I never tried harder to breast feed.
Love your baby and don’t beat yourself up. They only remember the love

Perfect!! Thank YOU Sharon! I really appreciate you writing. Grandma’s are always so wise!! I am feeling really good about the decisions we have made now and a combination of me and bottle seems to be working really well. Thanks again for sharing your own story. Have a great weekend. x

ohhh!! I would be devastated too and I would have done everything I could to exclusively breastfeed as well. I struggled big time at the beginning with the technique and Ive never had an abundance of milk but my little girl will be 2 on Anzac Day and she is still loving “milkies”. I think once her back molars come through she will become less interested but I already feel sad at the thought of not BFing her anymore. It is such a beautiful thing to do. At least you are still breastfeeding as well even if you have to supplement.
I feel I understand completely as recently I had to give my daughter 3 days of antibiotics for a UTI and I did everything I could naturally without pushing it too far. I am still beating myself up about not picking up on the symptoms earlier and being able to get on top of it. HUGS!!!

Thank you Jacque. Be gentle on yourself, us Mum’s are always doing what we feel is best for our own babies and no one knows them like we do. I hope your daughter is feeling much better now, it must have been a hard few days. Sending love. x

Bianca, what a fabulous and caring mother you are! Just wondering, have you tried lactation cookies? My little Eamon (now 3) was 3 weeks early and I experienced low milk supply due to him being so sleepy that he didn’t feed properly to begin with. I did all the things you tried but I found lactation cookies worked brilliantly. I ended up feeding him until 17 months when he weaned himself (with a little encouragement as baby number 2 was on the way). I’ve recently gone back to work so haven’t had much chance to make any of your tasty treats lately, as well as it being Eamon’s birthday a couple of days ago. I’m quickly checking my email and saw this recipe. Totally just at the right time as I was going to make something this afternoon and now I can give this one a try. Thank you so much. x

Bianca, I tried valiantly to breastfeed my first child, a daughter, tll around three months when she was steadily losing weight and was hungry all the time. Like you, I had tried everything and did nothing but feed, rest, take herbals etc. With my second, a boy, I approached feeding with complete positivity, refusing to let my experience with my first dampen my commitment or enthusiasm. I lasted about two weeks – his jaw had set strangely in-utero and made feeding virtually impossible and by that time, I had a 21 month old running around. Bianca, both of my children have thrived and are healthy, happy and bright kids, now 13 and 15 years old. You are a good mum because of all that you are and all that you do – not just because of how you are able to (or not!) feed!!

Thank you so much Danielle!!! You are spot on! Your experience with your daughter sounds very similar to my experience with Juliet. Juliet is going well on a combination of me and bottle and I am now feeling very positive about the decisions I have made. I really appreciate you writing and sharing your story. xxxx

Bianca you are a wonderful mum. I too have been in your situation. With my first I had oodles of milk, plenty in the freezer too, just overflowing. 6 years later with my second it was not the case. I now know it was the ginormous amount of stress I had put on my plate. Own biz, trying to be too many things ????. I stepped back, realigned, supplemented and survived. My little girl flourished. Not an easy decision, I was going to make my own Weston Price style (didn’t trust anything else ????) but reality hit hard and I decided to go with the flow, do the best with what I had. Once I cut back on other commitments things improved a little, but mainly my mental health ???? Do what you can, take it easy on yourself, enjoy your kids. Xx Nat

I found your page through the bliss balls and have looked at a couple of recipes prior to finding this post and recipe. Your post touched me.
Every feed that you have given is wonderful, whether breast or bottle. Your little darling doesn’t know and doesn’t mind where the milk comes from, she just knows that you love her because when she cries you come and you care for her.
I had breast rejection from my first when she was 8 months old and I was devastated that she didn’t want me. I had gone back to work two days and once she had a bottle that was it! I went on to feed twins for over a year (one of them weaned at two) but even five years on I yearn for those days that we had that special time together. I miss that time when the little hands would twiddle my hair as they fed and look into my eyes, but things change and they have grown up.
Remember mothering is not a competition, we are all trying to get through as unscathed as possible! Next time you are in a crowded mall or down the street, look around and try to tell the breast fed babies from the bottle fed. In the end what matters is care, commitment and love not where the milk comes from. Do all you can do, let go what you can’t and try and enjoy the chaotic journey that kids bring!

Oh Katie thank YOU so much!!!! I really appreciate you taking the time to write your perfect words and to share your own story.
I hope you find many recipes that you enjoy, be sure to keep me posted. Again, thank YOU! Bianca. xxxx

Hi
I was just wondering if dry roasted almonds are literally almonds that have been roasted in the oven? I have some activated almonds here that I did at home, would these be ok to use? (probably a silly question!)
Thank you!