JOURNALS & BLOGS

Other Columns

Old Folks' Cereal

Becoming an “old folk” with Shredded Wheatby Sam Johnson

It was a startling discovery.One of those self-realizations that
suddenly hits you from out of the blue and puts a new perspective on your life.But there was no denying it. It’s just
that I had never really thought about it before.I have become an “old person.”How did I know?I caught myself eating “old folks’ cereal!”You know the cereals I’m talking about – Grape-Nuts, All-Bran, Shredded Wheat.But the thing is, I was eating them all
mixed up together – my own special blend!What really got me thinking about this,
was the fact that I’d been eating this concoction regularly for some time now,
and actually enjoying it!You see, when I was growing up, the only
people who ate these “adult cereals” that looked and tasted like cattle fodder
were the “old folks.” And as far as we knew, the only reason they ate those
mini-hay stacks and rabbit pellets was to help them . . . . well, you know,
because of all the fiber and roughage.There was no way we kids would ever eat
that stuff, and we always tried to steer Mom and the shopping cart clear of
that end of the cereal aisle lest she get some strange notion in her head that
such cereals would be good for us.

We know the kinds of cereal to get and the
kinds to avoid, just by the way they were neatly separated and stocked in the
cereal section of the grocery store. All the cereals were divided into three
groups.

The Old Folk’s
Cereal

On one end of the breakfast food aisle,
all the “old folks’ cereals” were grouped: Grape-Nuts,
All-Bran, Shredded Wheat, Fiber-One, Special-K, and all the Chexs Cereals. (Having watched TV as
youngsters, we know that Checkerboard Square was synonymous with dog food – no
surprise to us!).Often mixed in with these “old folks
cereals” were the “hot cereals” such as Ralston (to our young minds another dog
food connection), Cream of Wheat, Quakers
Oat Meal (perfect for Quakers but not us kids!), Whetena – why the names alone struck terror in our hearts and made
our mouths go dry!We knew that when winter came around, we
would be served some of this hot gruel like it or not, (a friend once remarked
that eating Ralston “The Whole Wheat Cereal” was like “brushing your teeth with
a bushel of wheat”), so we tried to get Mom to buy us the hot cereals that were
at least somewhat palatable and less likely to stick in our craw, (never mind
the ribs). You know, smoother, porridge-like hot cereals such as Coco Wheats, Maypo, Malto-Meal, and Zoom.

The Bland
Generic Cereals

In the middle of the cereal aisle sat the
bland, middle-of-the-road breakfast foods that we could eat if we had to, but
preferred not to – corn flakes, Post
Toasties, Wheaties, Rice Kristpies, Raisen Bran, Kix, Cheerios, and the
dreaded puffed rice and wheat.Dad liked to buy the puffed rice and wheat
cereals in bulk – 10 pound bags at least – because it was so cheap and he felt
he got his money’s worth.But trying to eat that stuff was like
trying to eat beads of Styrofoam – you couldn’t keep them under the milk. Of all these cereals, the puffed ones we
hated most.

OUR Cereals!

Finally, at the other end of the cereal
aisle were our favorite cereals with their familiar characters beckoning us to
buy them: Cocoa Puffs with the
chocolate cuckoo bird (“cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”),
Tony-the-Tiger and Sugar Frosted Flakes
(“They’re GRRRREAT!), the Lucky Charms leprechaun, Sugar Bear and
his Sugar Crisps, Count Chocula, Crispy Critters, Frankenberries, Cap’n Crunch, Cocoa Krispies, Sugar Pops, Honeycomb,
Trix (“are for kids!), Marshmallow
Krispies, and all sorts of sugar-coated, great-tasting cereals, many with
special prizes inside!However, we weren’t allowed total freedom
in the cereal food aisle.Even then, in the days before the great Consumer Reports, and healthy food
pyramid, Mom knew the dangers of these over-sugared temptations.She would allow us to pick only ONE box of
our favorites, and she would pick a box for us, unusually from the bland
section.We couldn’t buy another box of cereal
until both had been eaten, so we learned right away that it was smart to switch
off between the two rather than eat all the good stuff up first.The problem was, Dad noticed his puffed
rice was going nowhere. (In fact, now thatthink about it, I can’t recall ever seeing Dad eat the stuff
either!).Anyway, it bothered him to such an extent,
that in order to encourage us to eat it, he would mix the puffed cereal in with
whatever good cereal was left, and totally ruin it for us.We literally spent many mornings picking
the puffed rice out of our cereal bowls (once Dad left for work), so we could
get to the good stuff. (I usually did this by filling my bowl with milk, then
blew off the rice puffs from the top).Well, somewhere along the way I quit
eating the sugar-coated cereals – I think it was in junior high school when all
my friends switched to Wheaties “The
Breakfast of Champions” because that’s what all the athletes ate -- and the box
cover proved it!And now, much to my chagrin, I find myself
eating “old folks’ cereal” for breakfast and actually enjoying it.But what has me worried most is the fact that I’m mixing my cereals
together!Oh my goodness, I’ve become my Dad!Could puffed rice be next?