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When You Need to Be Carried

I fumbled my way through making dinner and pushed down the emotion I had felt rising to the surface all day long. It had been a normal Tuesday like most others–filled with car line drop offs and conference calls, writing, a load of laundry, organizing Mercy House volunteers. I squeezed in a quick visit to my mom who was recovering from knee replacement surgery and hurried home to get an update from Maureen on Skype about her recent trip to visit each of our girl’s families before I started car line pick ups.

Deep breath.

She told me of one our girl’s family who was being severely abused when she arrived for the home visit last week. The situation was so violent and potentially life-threatening, she put herself in harm’s way to offer immediate assistance to this family.

Deep breath.

And there were another half dozen equally disturbing and overwhelming updates like the first two. Hungry siblings, broken parents, and heartache. We ended our time talking about the real estate situation in Kenya and the big miracle we needed.

I didn’t have time to process it all before I changed hats and sat with my family around the table. Suddenly, the weight of the day and really, the heaviness that has become my normal felt like a stone in the pit of my stomach. I asked my kids to clean up the table and dishes and I told my husband I needed a minute.

Deep breaths weren’t working. I couldn’t breathe.

I stumbled to the bathroom and closed the door. I turned on the bathtub so the roar of the water would block out my sobs. I fell down on my knees and I cried like a baby.

“I can’t do this, God, I don’t know how to do this. The burden is too heavy. The more we help, the more help is needed. You’ve provided so much, but we need more. I’ve run out of faith,” Sobs racked my body as the hot water washed away my tears.

I told God I didn’t know it would be this hard.

I told God I couldn’t take another breath or one more step.

I closed my eyes and I waited and in the depths of my inadequacy and feeling overwhelmed, I experienced this:

“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days-when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone.” Rick Warren

I didn’t see writing on the wall. I saw footprints, like the ones in the sand from the infamous poem seen on countless plaques.

I will carry you.

I still don’t have the answers. I’m still waiting for direction and seeking wisdom. But I can breath again: I’m inhaling grace and breathing out praise.

When I handed that heavy burden over to God, He reminded me this battlefield isn’t just filled with struggles and scars, it’s filled with victories only He could win.

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Kristen what a wonderful entry. This battlefield is filled with victories only He could win, and He will win them. So thankful that people like you and your family and letting Him use you to help win these victories. You are amazing, so thankful to have found your blog. Hugs my friend, hugs.

i keep praying for your projects and that an amazing wonderful fundraising drive/project will come to light and give you the money you need for realestate…i feel it’s doable/…like that amazing power of 3 post you made. i just wish i had the plan to make it happen (or the lottery winnings…lol) but i have faith….FAITH…..

Raw, beautiful and amazing! Thank you for sharing these words and for encouraging so many.

Lord, as Kristen inhales grace and exhales praise, I pray that you would surround her with Your presence. Give her a tangible experience of Your great love today and allow her to find her rest in You. Amen.

Great Post!
I thought of this scripture .. wanted to share.
Hebrews 10:35So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.
36You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. 37For,
“In just a little while,
he who is coming will come
and will not delay.”
…. 39But we do not belong to those who shrink back and are destroyed, but to those who have faith and are saved.”
Kristen, YOU are doing good in this world & shining his light thru your obedience. Praying for you and Maureen.

Praying for you and Mercy House. Praying and trusting and believing that God will come through for you at just the right moment and praying that you will be able to to continue to trust and believe that He will.

Often your thoughts echo my own. Ministry is tough, gritty, heart wrenching, and costly. But He does carry us. Always. Praying You will continue to feel His arms around you, so that you can breathe during this time.

Wow, this entry brought me to tears! Probably because it depicts exactly what we have been feeling lately. I am ready to just pack it all in, say forget it and walk away. It is so frustrating when you are pouring everything in to a Ministry, but not seeing results, or facing such terribly hard circumstances, burdens, that are out of your control. I do need to turn to Him and get on my knees a lot more than I do. Thanks for this entry and I will continue to pray for you, your family and Mercy House!

Oh thank you for this post. I’m going through a rough time in my pregnancy and I’m trusting God to carry me through. I know he is bigger than my complications. Ill be praying for you and Mercy House. Things will get better, God is with you.

It’s true that in our deepest needs, when we’ve reached the end of ourselves, our hope, our resources, and our strength, we stretch feeble hands out to the one who created our hands, and find that God is enough. I’m always comforted by “And he carries lambs in His arms, and gently leads those with young.” This reminds me of the tender heart of God who is not hindered by our frailties. He remembers we are dust. Paul, in 2nd Corinthians, was so overwhelmed that he “despaired even of life,” and found that when he was no longer sufficient, Christ was all-sufficient, so the glory of it all rests with God. Blessings to you today, from Hungry for God: Starving for Time.