This Is How Mom Butt Happens, Right? They Take It From You?

01.31.2013 // 13 comments

There’s been a lovely, dramatic change in the way I feel recently. Just this time last week I was afraid of my (possibly evil) baby for how uncomfortable it was making me. So achey, so FULL and crampy. I even went to the midwife to be sure it wasn’t something serious.

Nope. Normal. All of it, which was both reassuring and awful to hear at the same time.

But then, by the beginning of this week, I started to notice I looked… pregnant. And not just by 8 p.m. every night. My little bump was right out there to greet me first thing every morning, too. This coincided with the timing of starting to feel less like a pile of crap stuffed into a tuna can.

So I’m guessing… wondering if all of that last week really was growing pains? If the baby finally did that thing where it comes up out of your pelvis and is like, “Hello! It was awfully cramped and smelly down there. I’m going to build out a little house up here, instead.”

To which I say, PLEASE DO.

But something is amiss, my friends, because I’m afraid to report the baby has also relocated and possibly lost my ass.

Hello? Has anyone seen my butt? It wasn’t very big to begin with, so I can see how it could get lost or stolen easily, maybe stuffed into a moving box full of junk drawer items and forgotten, but, uhm…

I’M GONNA NEED THAT BACK.

Because pants don’t stay up with out it, and I’m afraid I’ll begin to get front heavy with nothing on the backend balancing out the new inhabitant.

Kelsey-I’ve never had one to begin with. I look ridiculous in professional slacks.ReplyCancel

Crys Wiltshire-Yikes. Be careful that the baby doesn’t vacate the premises with your ass when he or she enters the world. I lost my boobs with my first pregnancy and have never recovered them. I am hoping when I get pregnant again, the second baby will locate them in there and put them back for me. Not holding my breath though…ReplyCancel

Andrea-I wish mine did that!! Hello, baby, were you not properly educated to know you were supposed to take the butt with you? Sigh. Can’t rely on anybody anymore. And there is no way I am getting pregnant again after this one, to see if the next one would know any better. Cute bump and very cute top, BTW.ReplyCancel

Meg Griswold-You look great! Glad you are feeling better. I heard a celebrity on Ellen say once that her middle child told her re: her pregnancy “maybe the baby’s in your butt.” You have the opposite!ReplyCancel

Carolyn-Hahaha, my first child seemed to grow all smoothly and slowly, but my second seemed to have crazy growth spurts (I’d look the same for a few weeks, then suddenly gain a few pounds all at once and HELLO, MORE BABY BUMP! Then I’d look that way for a few weeks before MORE CHANGE ALL AT ONCE! It was so weird!) Can’t help with the butt thing, though. With each child I’ve ended up doubling my pants size (and my feet have grown a half size each time, too!) so we have opposite problems You know those tummy pillows they have at maternity stores for you to try on clothes with? Maybe you need to get one of those and just put it in the back of your pants 😉ReplyCancel

@BlueRaveFinn - Lisa -Ya, my twins are 5 1/2 and I’ve lost the baby weight (and a bit more ), but I am really curious where my butt went. I’m not sure exactly when it disappeared, but it’s gone.ReplyCancel

I traded my boobs for a baby --[…] post was entirely inspired by Jill at Baby Rabies. She wrote a plea to her unborn child to please return her newly-vanished ass. It struck a familiar nerve for […]ReplyCancel