Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I Guess "Amen" Is Out, Too

I just got back from my "Body Pump" class at the Y. It's a good class, kind of basic weight training, and since everyone would see me if I tried to sneak out early I usually get a full workout. It's always packed.

You know the kind of class: babes with biceps and strap-on microphones. "Okay, now squeeze those glutes!" and "Isolate that muscle, ooh, this feels goooood!" Loud music to help you along.

They don't vary the music much. They've been playing the same tracks for the past six weeks. The first time I went we started with something called "Voodoo Child." Next came some techno-porn crap whose only virtue was clarity of enunciation: "Push me, hurt me, so I can get my satisfaction."

Then the blonde at the front of the gym announced, "Okay everyone, we're going to do triceps now! Now this next track is just for fun, it's a fun song! Don't pay any attention to the lyrics, just try to catch the rhythm!"

See if you can guess what the song was.

Give up?

It was "Spirit In The Sky."

That was the song they didnt' want us to notice too much. Voodoo and sado-masochism were all right, but "Spirit In The Sky" was dangerous.

After class I just had to ask. "Why didn't you want people to notice the words?"

"Oh," the blonde lowered her voice, "we cant' have people listening to anything about Jesus."

Very few things give me the urge to start a Baptist prayer meeting, but that one nearly did.

I feel sorry for lefties sometimes. They must live in a very scary world.

I don't know why this kind of thing continues to surprise me, but it does. Were you just speechless? That's what happens to me. I become so shocked I can't think of a word to say until much later in the day. I hate that.

Our YMCA plays some really raunchy music sometimes, too. The beat helps you keep up sometimes, but honestly, I wonder why we can't find something that doesn't talk about milkshakes and charging for them (use your imagination). Of course, when we don't have THAT, we've got classic rock being set to a heavy dance beat (Alabama and Lynard Skinnard - it's almost painful).

Maybe somebody Jewish complained about songs that mentioned Jesus. Maybe the local gay atheists want the Y M C A to be more like The Village People's song.

The only thing you can do is complain to the YMCA about the music and ask them why songs that mention Jesus are off limits. Go over the instructor's head, if need be. Tell them that the instructor's remarks were as offensive as someone telling an ethnic joke and prefacing the joke with the question "Is anyone here _____?"

It's amazing how quickly that kind of stupidity will stop, if you call her on it.

I take a class like that. I think the teacher is a masochist...I think they all are. At least though she plays music without words. I get embarrassed at some of these lyrics. But hey..I get embarrassed when we're doing glute lifts and she keeps saying sssssqqqquuueeeezzzeee. Then again, I get embarrassed when we're doing glute lifts period.