>> Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Only a day and a bit left - in this decade!! Crazy! It'll be a short post today 'cause I'm anxious to crawl into bed (super early day tomorrow) and get some shut-eye (yay that I'm finally sleeping again!!)

Just wanted to share this cool saying I read today (it's part of the "Cure for the Common Life" by Max Lucado daily calendar/saying book I have). It's short and sweet but strikes a chord:

"You do something no one else does, in a manner no one else does it. And when your uniqueness meets God's purpose, both of you will rejoice . . . forever."

>> Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Home from work, (still frozen 'cause the bus was late), oven heating up what will soon by my dinner, and my "after-school" clothes are calling from the closet. Ahhh, time to put my feet up . . .

Today was a loooong day. Not made any better by the fact that I've had insomnia for the past two nights and haven't slept. On the bright side, I just know (please God) that I'll sleep like a wee babe tonight. I've marked my bedtime for 8pm, and I'm not ashamed to admit it!

Anyway - I had a weird moment today at work that I was thinking about on the bus, and that I figure warrants discussion on this 'ole blog of mine. It's about a subject I haven't really thought of or focused on a lot recently in my life, but kind of reared it's ugly head today . . . Vanity.

So as mentioned, I haven't been sleeping for the past two days. That coupled with the "still-crazy but not too crazy" ness of work and the early shifts have left me looking a little ragged. Now normally I don't really care too much about how I look - I'll put on make-up if I have time and try and make my hair decent, but on mornings like this one - well let's just say it didn't take me too long to decide that I didn't want to put in the effort to put any make-up on at all, and simply pulled my hair back in a bun and put on work clothes that were clean - not too bad right? Well - now add in the fact that my skin tends to go a lovely shade of greenish-yellow when I'm really tired and I have blueish bags the size of cow udders under both eyes, and you start to get the picture of what I looked like to the outside world.

Still though - I didn't really care - I go to work to work and not be a fashion model, so no big deal right? Well of course, right near the end of my shift I'm on the sales floor doing my thing, when I happen to bump into some of the youth from church. I stop and chat for a minute, and it's after about a minute or two that I suddenly start to become super-conscious of how tired and worn-out and well . . . bad I must look. It was actually kind of weird, and after they left I kept thinking that I should of taken the time to put some make-up on this morning and done something nice with my hair so I at least looked like a respectable adult. The more I thought about it, the more vain I kept feeling, and then that started making me feel guilty, and it was just this awful circle of thought that kept bouncing around in my head.

So here I sit, wondering about the role vanity plays in our lives, and about what level of vanity is accepted or even needed in an individual before it becomes something other than taking pride in how you look. Maybe I should be taking the time to "do myself up" more, and more often. Maybe I should start paying more attention to the clothes I wear, and not just out but at home around my husband. I'm sure I'm not the only woman whose gotten married and has stopped trying to impress her husband with her looks because, well we're married and I know he loves me regardless of what I look like! There are times when I look at pictures of myself from only a few years ago and I think "man, I looked good - why didn't I realize it at the time?" I always used to put quite a bit of effort into my physical appearance. Straighening the hair, putting on the make-up, picking out cute outfits, and working out. Now I have a wonderful husband who thinks I look better without make-up and could care less whether I'm in sweats or in a ballgown. Whether I'm slim or carrying an extra 20 pounds, he really honestly doesn't care - I know he loves me for me.

But . . . where does that leave us ladies? Should we just try to make ourselves look better than we are "au natural" because it makes us feel better about ourselves? And if that's the case, why does it make us feel better about ourselves? I don't really think I'm lacking in the self-confidence department, but why then did I feel like I did at work today? If I really accepted me for me, then should I not be able to to leave the house in pj's and bedhead and not care what people think? But if you do care about how you look to others, does that really make you vain, or does that just make you human?

Hmmm - I'll leave it at that, but I'm left wondering about that which we call vanity. Needed or unneeded? Necessary or sinful? Morale booster or morale dasher? I have to admit that this one's got me stumped . . .

>> Monday, December 28, 2009

I've been absent I know. With the back thing, and the work thing, and that little thing we call Christmas, life has been, well . . . crazy. I did go back to work last Wednesday, but between that, and popping pills for my back, and trying to get everything done for Christmas, and trying to get enough sleep - well I pretty much made a conscious decision to not do much else. So that kinda' including blogging, and emailing and all - so I apologize yet again and to all I didn't email whom I was meaning to email - I don't love you any less, but the month of December for a retail manager is all about just trying to survive it and arrive alive on the other side.

That being said . . . Whew!! We survived! Retail hell month is almost over! The "Rush Week" has now passed, and while we still have to get through the rest of "Boxing Week", the end is in sight and there is light at the end of this way too long tunnel. Considering we started prepping for Christmas what feels like forever ago, it seems like a long time a comin'!! I did have some crazy customers, some frustrating situations, and did fear for my life at one point - but I got through it!

Now comes the fun part and my absolute favorite holiday of the year. "What?" you ask? "It's not Christmas?" Oh no, not by a mile say I. My favorite holiday of the year, my favorite holiday of all time, is none other than . . . New Year's Day. Not New Year's Eve, mind you - although fun and frivolous, my heart belongs to what lie on the other side.

New. Year's. Day.

Oh to start off a New Year - fresh, clean, untarnished, full of hope and promise. Oh to open a brand new calendar, with its days free and unscheduled. Oh to have reached the end of one year and circle around to the start of another. I'm not kidding folks - I take my New Year's Day pretty seriously. I'm a firm believer in that how you start a new year greatly infuences how the rest of the year will unfold. I'm all about having as much of a reflective day as possible - letting yourself sleep in, eat a great meal, then spending the rest of the day just really relaxing and thinking and reflecting on the upcoming year. I always write in a journal on January 1st - I put a lot of thought into what my resolutions will be for the upcoming year, and I try to stay as chill and laid back as possible on that day. You'll never, ever catch me "out" on a January 1st. I really do become just very quiet and meditative and simple on that day. It may sound funny, but I just find something truly magical about January 1st - even as a child I think I would have said that January 1st trumped Christmas in terms of which was the better holiday. I'm super grateful this year as I also happen to have January 2nd off (as does my hubby), so I can extend my fave holiday into two days!! (Although the 2nd we'll spend doing something a little more "exciting").

Anyhoo - I do hope everyone reading this had a fantastic Christmas, and that you got to spend the day with those you love. As life is now getting back to a little bit of normalacy, yours truly promises to get her ass in gear and start blogging on a more consistent basis. Hopefully I'll have some exciting things to blog about soon - I'm working on three songs right now (two new, 1 is a song I recorded at a studio many a year ago which I'm working on rerecording soon), so I'll be posting updates about those - and well, who knows what else. This past year has been an intersting and eventful one to say the least, so I'm sure 2010 has some surprises in store.

>> Saturday, December 19, 2009

I'm a horrible blogger, I know. I promised to blog every day, and it's been a week and a half since my last post. I do have a good excuse though, actually I have two:

1. It's the Christmas season and I work in retail . . . . 'nuff said

2. On Wednesday I threw my back out and have been holed up in bed in a drug-induced sleep for the past 2 and 1/2 days.

Yup - I seem to have bad luck when it comes to getting sick or getting injured. I killed my lower back on Wednesday afternoon, and could barely move without getting tears in my eyes on Thursday, so Chris took me to the doctor to get it checked out. I pretty much tore some muscles in my lower back and it's caused the nerve and muscle centres at the base of my spine to get all swollen and inflamed. This equals extemely painful back whether I'm lying down, sitting or standing. She said I need to pretty much be off my feet for a week (so no work), and I'm on tylenol 3's, one really strong anti-inflammatory, and another really, really strong anti-inflammatory that will basically knock you out (for 24 hours!!) So the last few days have kind of passed by in a very "fuzzy" kind of way. She said I will hopefully be good to at least go back to work by about Wednesday of next week, but I won't feel totally normal for about 6 weeks - lovely. It could be worse I know, but this is pretty much the worst time ever for this to happen (leaving my work short a manager during the busiest time of year). Grrr . . . I have new-found sympathy though for lower-back pain sufferers. I seriously have never experienced pain like this before. When I was at work Thursday morning (I went for half a day before I had Chris come get me), I had to hide in the bathroom twice 'cause I was crying from the pain and didn't want anyone to see. It shoots up your back and also down into your "butt" area, but is also this horrible, constant pain. I know when I'm back to normal that I'll have a new appreciation for being able to move pain-free!!

So this is my first day of not sleeping all day ('cause I didn't take the 24-hr long pill last night - I'm not a fan of being knocked out for that long - dr. said it was okay). Apparently I'm not good at "doing nothing" when it's not my choice. At any other time, if someone had said to me "Hey Suzanne - just lay in bed and watch movies and read all day", my reaction would have been "yes please!!" But really, that's not a lot of fun. I'm bored already. I've already watched the first two Harry Potter's again (I got the ultimate extended editions - woo hoo!!), and every Christmas movie that's in the house. I started rereading the third HP book, but even that's no fun anymore. Argghh. I'm like a little kid. I've now turned to silly games on the computer to pass the time. Diner Dash and Chocolatier are my new friends (seriously silly games, but kind of addictive!!)

Anyhoo - expect a lot of blog posts from me in the next few days!

Hope everyone else out there in internet land is having a good Holiday season so far (and that it will remain injury-free)!!

>> Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Alrighty - so I finally finished it! "Go on" - the song I wrote and recorded for the Canadian Radio Star National Songwriting Competition (wow - that's a long name) is done and submitted! We Fed-exed it to the radio station today, so cross your fingers for me that something comes of it!

I'm pretty proud of it - I know it's not perfect, but I really put my heart into this one and hope that someone out there finds some inspiration in it. I've attached the mp3 (and the lyrics) below, so have a listen if you have time and let me know what you think!

Go on

Fallen dreams are lyin’ on the floorI know that you’ve seen this once from me beforebut I’m tellin’ you now this time’s differentI feel it inside, I’ve got peace with it

Time passes by when you’re lookin’ downI know ‘cause I felt it flip my world aroundI stood by and watched as it passed me bymy eyes would not see, could not realize

I was drifting out of reach‘till I found my voice to speakI was running out of time‘till I remembered to breathe

The sun will always shine above the cloudsUse the rain to wash away your doubtsDon’t let unknown fears get in the wayUse the time given to you todayGo on, Go on

Second chances to live the life you dreamedThey never expire although it sometimes seems‘cause once you take one step down the right paththe rest will fall in line, you’ll have your truth back

I was drifting out of reach‘till I found my voice to speakI was running out of time‘till I remembered to breathe

The sun will always shine above the cloudsUse the rain to wash away your doubtsDon’t let unknown fears get in the wayUse the time given to you todayGo on, Go on

Where I’ve been is where I had to beWhere I stand is where I’m supposed to beWhat I’ve done is what I had to liveWho I am is what I have to give

The sun will always shine above the cloudsUse the rain to wash away your doubtsDon’t let unknown fears get in your wayUse the time given to you todayYou’ve got strength you didn’t know you hadKeep runnin’ forward, never look backGo on, Go on, Go on