Friday, December 28, 2012

Rejected Parents
often feel taken aback when their children deny recalling their fun times and
loving experiences with one another. It
is as though the positive never occurred, that the relationship was just one
bad moment after another. If enough
time passes, the children may say the relationship was never important: “It
doesn’t seem like I had a father at all.” “I don’t recall my mother ever having
a real place in my life.” It’s hard to
comprehend.

But one father
recently gained insight about his children’s changed reality about him—and
themselves. He noted that he felt so
confused by his children’s rejection that he lost track of his contributions as
a father. He wondered if he had been a
good father, if his prior picture of himself as attentive and loving was not
real, if his children's portrayal of him as self-absorbed and uninvolved was
accurate. The self-doubt triggered by his
children’s rejection caused him to question his identity as a father: “Maybe I
was never a good father, maybe I wasn’t who I thought I was or as involved as
much as I recall. Maybe we were never close.”

This father
regained his bearings when he spoke to neighbors and relatives and viewed
family photos. They reminded him of the
activities he shared with his children, their weekends together, the family
outings, and the school events he attended.
The common response from others was: “Don’t you remember the times that…?” But until their recollections and the photos reminded
him, he didn’t. And with this
realization, recognizing how thoroughly disoriented he had become, even with an
adult’s maturity, he gained a better understanding of how vulnerable his
children had been to becoming similarly disoriented.

But why? How does
this happen? You might find one answer
if you listen and watch a family interact as it goes about its day. You will
notice that family members tell stories, a lot of stories. Sometimes in just a
sentence or two, sometimes as a shared narrative. They relate incidents from
the past, tease one another about prior missteps, remind one another about “the
time that we…” In effect, family members
do naturally what this father prompted from his neighbors—smoothly and
naturally reminding one another through stories and recollections of their
shared experiences and bonds. The
stories bring forward to the present what is important and binding from the past.
Absent these continual reminders, the past can become distant, something no
longer recalled, no longer part of present experience, no longer part of the
present narrative of what it means to be a family.

We encourage
Rejected Parents to do the same thing with their children that this father did
with his neighbors—bring out pictures of happier times, tell stories,
reminisce. One rejected parent and the four children, for example,
spent two months in therapy eating pizza and telling stories about past
meals—thereby reaffirming that they were, indeed, a family.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Rejected Parents must contend with multiple sources of
conflict—both with others and within themselves. Despite the complexity of the issues they
face, however, Rejected Parents are oftentimes reluctant to seek help until matters
become critical or even beyond remedy.

Consider one
example. When a mother became severely depressed, she was unable to take care
of her three children. While she received psychiatric treatment, her children
lived exclusively with their father and stepmother. When she recovered and tried
to resume parenting-time, the father
refused her access to the children and persuaded the children she was a child
sex abuser. Her informal attempts to improve matters met with heavy resistance.
She hired a lawyer to handle legal matters, but fearful that seeking informal
problem-solving help would be taken to mean that she was still depressed and
unable to function, she did not seek consultation until many months later.

In another
instance, a father had been trying for several years to reconnect with his two
sons. His ex and the boys’ therapist agreed that the boys needed a relationship
with their father. But whenever he identified opportunities to spend time
together, he encountered foot-dragging, excuses, and overt opposition. When one
of his children had school difficulties he didn’t hesitate to hire a tutor—but
he was unaware that he needed help developing a problem-solving strategy to
address the estrangement.

One reason
such parents don’t seek help is embarrassment. Anticipating that others will
assume they did something wrong to trigger the children’s rejection, they are
reluctant to speak openly about their difficulties. And their concern is not
unfounded; many Rejected Parents report encountering this bias when they reveal
to others that they are estranged from their children.

A second
reason is that they—and their lawyers—are not aware that such help is
available. They may not know that even in the worst situations, specialists
familiar with the problem of parent-child alienation may be able to identify
opportunities and strategies to make a positive difference.

Rejected
Parents have three interests when seeking help. First, they need advisors who
can be trusted to understand the pressures they are under, to maintain
confidentiality, and to be free of conflicts of interests. A psychologist hired
by the Favored Parent to work with the children, for example, may offer
consultation to the Rejected Parent—but just how much will they advocate for
repairing the relationship if it would jeopardize their working relationship
with the parent who hired them? Second,
Rejected Parents need advisors with specialized knowledge about parent-child
alienation. It is not enough for a psychologist to be generally familiar with
family systems dynamics or divorce issues. Rejected Parents need practical
advice specific to parent-child alienation. Finally, Rejected Parents need
advisors who can invent strategies and suggestions tailored to their unique
situation rather than promoting a one-size-fits-all method.

For more tips
and strategies, read early posts on this blog or obtain Welcome Back, Pluto – a DVD specifically written and produced for
children and family members dealing with this tragic problem.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

In the event of
damaged parent child relationships, many Rejected Parents don’t know what to do
when faced with their children’s opposition and disrespect. Whereas before they could correct their
children’s behavior with a simple warning or restriction, now such consequences
trigger further defiance and contempt.
But tolerating their bad behavior seems like giving up on one’s
responsibilities as a parent.

Rejected Parents inadvertently make the
situation worse when their trial and error efforts to improve their
relationship lead them to vacillate between resigned passivity and angry
assertiveness. Indeed, such
inconsistency may be used as further evidence by the children and the Favored
Parent that the parent being rejected can’t be trusted. One politically minded,
but alienated, teenager commented: “He’s
just like what my mother said about Romney, a flip-flopper. I can’t respect
him.”

The Rejected Parent
’s behavior may be frustrating for family members and the professionals trying
to help, but it isn’t hard to understand what lies underneath—profound
helplessness to restore what had once been loving, rewarding relatedness: “Whatever I do is wrong; I send a text saying
‘I love you’ and it’s presented to the court as evidence that I’m overbearing;
I stop sending texts and that is
presented to the court as evidence that I don’t care. What can I do?” The
renowned psychologist, Martin Seligman, has a term for this state, learned helplessness, and it’s a
horrible state to be in.

Even in the worst
cases of parent-child alienation, however, there are still things that a
Rejected Parent can keep in mind, and do, to improve the situation. Most
importantly, Rejected Parents must remember that no matter how unfairly they
are being treated, the bigger victims are the children. They didn’t ask for this mess, they don’t
really understand what they are doing.
It also helps to remember what adults alienated as children tell us—no
matter how badly they treated the Rejected Parent, they didn’t want that parent
to give up. One man recalled: “I was drawn into a different mindset,
reflexively rejecting everything my father said and did. But unconsciously I
wanted him to win the battle, I knew if I won it would be wrong. And I did win.
And now I wonder if I was ever worth fighting for.”

Not giving up is the
key. Apart from legal remedies, we
encourage Rejected Parents to persist—but in a calm manner devoid of drama. Sending a birthday card without expecting a
thank you. Texting “I love you, have a good day” without demanding a response. Sending congratulations for their report card
or extracurricular success, knowing they may say “leave me alone!” Attending
their events without intruding on their experience. Providing modest gifts that
say “I love you” rather than “I am trying to buy your love.” One father, for example, asked his daughters
every two weeks if they would like to accompany him to dinner. For one year
they said no, and he never said more than “maybe
next time.” But on the occasion of
his parents’ 50th anniversary, the older one said yes, she would
like to go – and from there the rebuilding began.

For more tips, go to
markrotis.com to learn about Welcome
Back, Pluto, the only DVD of it’s kind about parent-child alienation.

About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

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I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.