Monday, November 7, 2011

Been There Bombed That: Zoobombs Away!

Oscar Wilde famously said, "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." This is a stupid saying. What about having the tip of your nose crushed in a vice while a Bichon licks the underside of your feet and a loudspeaker blares "Tuts My Barreh?" That's a whole lot worse than either scenario.

Nevertheless, as the Monty Python skit proves, it's very easy to apply Wilde's template to pretty much any subject and sound like you're making sense. For example, I am of the belief that there is only one thing in the world worse than being trendy, and that is not being trendy. In other words, adopting a style, belief, or activity simply because it's fashionable is contemptible, but turning against something you admire or believe in simply because others are now discovering it is deplorable.

I know this because I am one of those deplorable people. Take cyclocross for instance. Not too long ago I couldn't get enough of it, but now that it's the discipline du jour I find myself saying "Ugh, enough already!" as I turn up my nose and pedal away on my artisanal Danish milkman's bike--at least until everyone discovers that and I have to find something even more obscure. Even "Bicycling" is getting into the act, and over the weekend they published this cyclocross guide for total "noobs" by some has-been bike blogger:

WHAT-ever. Bike Snob? Cyclocross?!? What is this, 2007? I don't have time to read this stuff, I'll just go back to painting myself into an increasingly confining corner of cool, thankyouverymuch. And if anyone's interested in my artisanal Danish milkman's bike, it's now for sale. I heard it got mentioned on some bike blog and I no longer want it.

People moving to Portland is super-old news. Seriously? You’re just now writing about it? Also, we do not have jobs. We don’t. Which is part of why the mass migration to Portland has slowed down a lot.

In this hard-hitting report, a reporter presumably travels all the way from the United Kingdom to Portland, Oregon in order to interview a man in a crooked hat about riding bicycles down a hill:

(Two grown men maintain more-or-less straight faces as they pretend something of cultural significance is happening.)

He also visits the "Zoobomb pile," which I've personally visited and which may be the most depressing and potentially tetanus-inducing landmark in North America. In fact, as they film it you can actually see an older man warning his wife away from it:

("Honey, don't touch, it's filthy" is the phrase most commonly uttered by visitors to Portland.)

And here he is reporting as the Zoobombers prepare the bikes, as though they're rebel freedom fighters in the mountains loading their weapons before a guerilla assault and not white "adults" in varying stages of denial and arrested development:

But we shouldn't be too hard on the Zoobombers. First of all, according to the report, they are "self-policing" as far as safety goes, which would explain why they always wear their helmets while riding public transportation:

Also, it's not like they take this whole thing too seriously or anything:

Incidentally, the rider above also has a $750 titanium mini golf putter and spends two months a year training at altitude for tetherball.

Here, Patricia Krenwinkel and Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme talk about the joys of Zoobombing, life on Spahn Ranch, and the enormous charisma of their misunderstood leader:

And then everybody rides down a hill:

However, the BBC crew is not waiting for them at the bottom of the hill, because they're already off to cover another equally important story, such as a lost cat or a man who's been eating the same thing for lunch for 46 years.

In any case, between cyclocross and Zoobombing and the increasing popularity of Danish milkman bike culture it would appear it's no longer possible to do anything "original" on a bike, which is why I'm just giving up bikes entirely and getting into the artisanal hand-curated cutlery scene, as forwarded by a reader:

If nothing else, this video proves that, in America, an academic degree has very little to do with education. Instead, it serves mainly to saddle you with crushing debt so that you can finally discover that you have an aptitude for manual labor. Given this, it's no wonder most of us have no idea what the hell we're doing in life or what we're good at until we're at least 40. Unfortunately by that time, we've also become grossly over-educated, so while we may finally have honed our latent skills, we're also inclined to make and distribute these sorts of videos.

This might also explain why so many people also marry later in life now, although it could also have to do with our increasingly poor sense of romantic timing. For example, it may seem obvious, but people generally aren't feeling amorous after they've been doored:

Sweet fancy Moses! I hate slide shows! I know it's not Snob's fault. Bicycling is trying to generate more page views and ad impressions. It has become a common practice, but it feels like click fraud to me.

I just ate the Swedish postman's Danish by mistake. I tried to apologize but he keeps yelling something about my ruining his 46-year lunch streak (I think -- my Swedish isn't very good, although his Danish was terrific). Not a great start to the week.

I know they don't teach you basic industrial production while you are getting your English degree, but you were supposed to pick up critical thinking along the way.

The next wave in artisanal bike production: hand rolled high-carbon steel built by just laying the tubes on the table and fillet brazing with your eyes closed. Maybe non-alignment is the new artisanal feature?

...and back then I was zipping around on midget bikes....we ruled the streets amigo, no one saw it, but we created a friggin revolution....bombing the hills of the city by the bay and hanging out with Jefferson Starship.

why is the cycling community so resistant to recumbent frames? They’ve been around for almost 100 years now! Safer (you can put STRONG brakes on them w/o risking headers); faster (one won Paris-Brest-Paris in 1933, causing them to be outlawed for “bicycle” racing!); much more comfortable (no penis paralysis, neck strain, etc.). I’d love to have some of the innovations on this wish list added to my Easy Racers Gold Rush Replica, on which I’ve been putting thousands of miles a year on for some time now.

So I'm moving to Portland OR to start up a bike manufacturing concern. The Portland Cement Bike Company. All of our bikes are made of 100% Portland Cement. I've got the road bike down to about 700 pounds. The mountain bike is like 2300 pounds. Each has an integral water bong and handy roachclip/handgrip combo. And several conviently mounted Pabst bottle openers. Lifetime unlimited warranty.

I want to see a handmade video about Bikesnob! Solemn, b&w, slo-mo, and with fades and dissolves. I bet he can curse, drop his g's, and use words like "convergence" with the best of these new artisan college grads. I don't know about the knives, but Brooklyn Blade is a master of pseudo-modest marketing babble. They didn't teach him nothing at that school.

Anon 3:12 -- Thanks for the link. My dog enjoyed the Stop Alien Abduction website. He says the Thought Screen Helmet is the ne plus ultra in artisanally curated headwear. It's going to the top of his Festivus wish list. I don't have the heart to remind him folks exchange grievances not presents on Festivus.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!