Monday, August 27, 2012

After the frantic fun of the initial onslaught, where you alleviate your frustrations with some mindless mayhem, it’s time to get practical and figure out where you can weather the undead storm.

BLACKPOOL TOWER

Blackpool, UK

According to Dr. Dale Seslick, author of Dr. Dale’s Zombie Dictionary, Blackpool Tower in the UK is one of the safest landmarks to be at during a zombie attack because of its height. Due to the decomposition of the brain, a zombie lacks the manual dexterity and co-ordination required for climbing; so, anywhere high up which requires a ladder for access should be reasonably safe. This would make other landmarks such as the Eiffel Tower in Paris and Tokyo Tower in Japan ideal candidates as well.

BAHNHOFF UNDERGROUND DATA CENTRE

Stockholm, Sweden

Thirty meters below the center of Stockholm, buried underneath solid granite bedrock, inside a converted nuclear bunker, lies the Bahnhoff Data Center. Sealed off from the world by a coded entrance door 40 cm thick, the Bahnhoff Data Center is one of the safest places in the world, and if you could get access to it, would be an ideal place to hide from a Zombie attack. Designed to withstand a hydrogen bomb, the center is powered by two German submarine engines and not only has a fully stocked kitchen, but also a waterfall and numerous greenhouses.

U.S. BULLION DEPOSITORY

Fort Knox, KY

If the tanks, Apache helicopters, armed guards, 30,000 soldiers, electric fences and concrete-lined walls aren’t enough to keep the Zombie’s at bay, then surely hiding behind the US Bullion Depository’s 22-ton, solid-steel door will keep you safe. The US Bullion Depository, commonly known as Fort Knox (due to the Army base of the same name situated close by), is one of the safest places on Earth. Built to house a large portion of the US gold reserves, the depository is designed to be impenetrable by an attacking force.

FORT BOYARD

Fouras, France

Zombies cannot swim. They lack the intellectual capacity or the required buoyancy to traverse water. So any structure surrounded by a large body of water should suffice as an adequate Zombie defense. Located off the coast of the south of France is Fort Boyard, a nineteenth-century fort which was abandoned in 1913. Now completely uninhabited, this island fortress would make the perfect refuge from a Zombie attack, as it is surrounded by a particularly large moat: the Atlantic Ocean. Designed to repel the British, this fortress comes equipped with canon mounts and was once used as a prison, meaning it is pretty secure.

AUSTIN, TX—Sound engineers from around the country converged on the Hilton Garden Inn Saturday for their annual convention in which they discuss their ponytails.

"It's always fun to catch up with other sound guys, just so we can swap stories about changing out bad cables, smoke cigarettes together, and see how our ponytails are," said Joe Spencer, a sound engineer from Kansas City, MO whose 11-inch ponytail was poking out the hole of his Zildjian ball cap and obscuring the tour dates on his Megadeth T-shirt.

"But despite our cool jobs, it's pretty much like any other convention. We talk about new Mag-Lite innovations, see presentations on ponytail-friendly headphones, and swap tips, like how, in a pinch, you can use a mic clip as a clasp to secure your ponytail."

At the close of the weekend-long event, attendees will reportedly observe a moment of silence in honor of the late Ted "Smash" Bailey, a sound engineer who had an impressive 24-incher and told Peter Gabriel to fuck off in 1983.