For Giants fans, choosing between the Eagles and Patriots is torture (JEFF EDELSTEIN COLUMN)

FILE - In this Dec. 6, 2015, file photo, Philadelphia Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins (27) leaps over New England Patriots Marcus Cannon (61) as he returns an interception for a touchdown during the second half of an NFL football game in Foxborough, Mass. Jenkins, Fletcher Cox, Brandon Graham, Vinny Curry, Mychal Kendricks and Beau Allen are six key defensive players left from an Eagles team that beat Brady and the Patriots 35-28 in Foxborough in December 2015. (AP Photo/Steven Senne, File)

Or as my buddy, Lawrence-based author Chris Illuminati put it on Twitter, “Eagles vs Patriots is like making me choose to root for either North Korea or ISIS.”

Illuminati, like virtually all other decent human beings in Mercer County, is a New York Giants fan. And as a Giants fan, having to suffer through a Patriots-Eagles Super Bowl is cruel and unusual punishment. Cruel, because enough of the Patriots, and unusual, because the Eagles are in the Super Bowl? With Nick Foles as the quarterback? Really? Come on.

Anyway, I’m a Giants fan by birth (though as a gambler, I’d sell the Giants down the river for personal gain), and I can’t decide who I’m pulling for in Super Bowl LII, with “LII” being pronounced “vomit.”

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My first stop, naturally, was Facebook. I asked. You answered. The results? It was 30 for the Patriots and … 30 for the Eagles, give or take. I say “give or take” because a handful of Giants fans said they were going for the Birds because of family members. Bottom line, there was no consensus, although there were a few colorful answers.

On the Patriots side, you had things like, “I AM a Giants fan and I am 100% rooting for the Patriots! HATE the birdturds. Have nothing against new England bc we beat them twice!,” wrote Donna Walter.

On the Eagles side, there were items like, “Eagles because no Giant fan would be rooting for the Cheatriots!!!” wrote Kelly Toroni Mooney.

I should also mention someone posted a GIF of a cat dropping a deuce on the toilet as their take on the situation.

So now what? We must get scientific. Let’s run through some binary equations. Either/or stuff. Starting with ...

The Giants beat the Patriots twice in the Super Bowl, so do you want the Pats to A) win, because beating the Eagles would not erase the losses to the Giants and the Eagles are clearly a lesser franchise, or do you want them to B) lose because it’s fun watching Tom Brady cry?

I choose “A” here. I don’t hate Tom Brady enough. Moving on ...

The Giants and Eagles are mortal enemies and we have to see them twice a year. So would you rather A) face the Super Bowl champion Eagles twice next year and enjoy the sweetness that comes with defeating the champs or B) face the also-ran Eagles twice next year and enjoy the sweetness of stomping on their grave?

I choose “A” here as well. The Giants are going to be good next year. Pat Shurmur coaching, a healthy Odell, free agent-signee-to-be Jerick McKinnon, a revitalized Eli … next year will be good for the G-Men.

We’re not done, though. The questions are about to get more difficult.

Are you a Yankees fan? This matters. If you’re a Yankees fan, the Patriots are an extension of the Red Sox, and the idea of rooting for any Boston franchise becomes sickening. If you’re a Mets fan, however, rooting for the Patriots makes sense. Mets fans know the pain of losing, and we’ve held a soft spot for Boston since the little roller up along first that went behind the bag and got through Buckner.

I’m a Mets fan, so I’m coming down on the Pats side here.

But wait, there’s more.

Are you old enough to remember the Pisarcik fumble? The Miracle at the Meadowlands? It’s legitimately my first football memory, seeing the Giants stupidly hand the ball off instead of taking a knee to end the game. The resulting play was a fumble return for a touchdown by Herm Edwards. Stupid Giants. If it wasn’t for the decades of dominance that followed, Giants fans would still be haunted by the idiocy. Anyway, if you’re old enough to remember that, it’s tough to pull for the Birds. So again, I’m on Team Brady.

In the end, though, it comes down to one item for me, one little tidbit that breaks through the clutter.

The Eagles have never won the Super Bowl. No reason to start now.

I’m breaking out the sleeveless hoodies.

Except … and I don’t mean to waffle here … but as a sports fan — a Sports. Fan. — how can you root against the Eagles? Backup QB, the Cinderella-nature of it all, going against the Big Bad Pats? I mean, I may want Eagles fans to suffer, but …

I’m undecided. Nuked by North Korea, beheaded by ISIS, what’s the difference, right?