Our society does a great job of instilling shame in men. Growing up as kids, and even into our adult lives, we’re told toxic messages that can hold us back for a lifetime.

Sometimes this shame originates from the people around us. Our parents or friends tell us these messages explicitly: that guy’s a player and you shouldn’t be like that. Or they could be more subtle messages from the media and movies: in order to get a girl to like you, you need to be nice and submissive.

People mean well when they give us this kind of advice. Despite their good intentions, they miss how these messages teach men that their desires are unacceptable, and that being masculine is a bad character trait. Compound this with all the men who have grown up without a strong father figure, and things get even worse.

As a result, men today are scared. They’re scared to approach beautiful women. They’re scared to be masculine for fear of stepping on toes. They’re scared to express who they really are. They’re afraid of meeting women. They live their lives devoid of meaningful companionships, opting instead for the comforting yet numb experiences of internet porn and video games. They walk on eggshells and don’t express themselves.

Men have become deathly afraid of getting rejected by women.

You don’t have to live this way.
It’s ok to be a sexual being.
It’s ok to want to sleep with hot women.
It’s ok to want to sleep with multiple women.
It’s ok to express your desires, feelings, and fears honestly and openly.It’s ok to be rejected.

What’s the antidote for feeling scared and weak? It’s being a man and facing your fears head-on. With dating, that means getting rejected.

Learning to deal with rejection teaches you how to be a man. Part of being a confident, masculine being is accepting that sometimes things don’t go our way, and being composed when the inevitable disappointments occur.

Connection and companionship give more purpose and meaning to our lives than anything else. You must get rejected to find and create meaningful these relationships with women. Relationships are built on vulnerability. You can’t be vulnerable without risking rejection.

The ONLY way to get better with women is to get rejected more. I wish there was a “hack” or a way around it, but sorry, there just isn’t. Robbie is better with women than anyone you know because he has been rejected more times than anyone you know. And even a guy like Robbie will only expect to connect with about 3 or 4 women out of 10 during day game.

But if there was anything that’s close to a shortcut, it’s this:

The fear of rejection hurts more than actually getting rejected.

Anxiety doesn’t exist in the present moment. Anxiety is only something you feel about the future. When you’re actually feeling it in the present, it’s only fear, which is much easier to deal with. Any amount of fear is something you can and will live through.

The pain of rejection is a short-term experience. Pain is what you experience when you push yourself outside your comfort zone. Think of the struggle of a hard workout at the gym. It’s uncomfortable while you’re experiencing it, but it goes away. You become stronger as a result.

Our minds are amazingly skilled at (wrongly) anticipating how bad it would feel to get rejected. They jump to conclusions, and imagine the worst possible scenario where everyone is watching you, and where you’ll run into the girl you approached again and be embarrassed.

Fortunately, that’s not how it goes. A girl who isn’t interested moves on and forgets about the interaction. Unless you choose to ruminate on it, you do too. You learn something you can use next time. It’s never as bad as you expect it to be.

You will always thank yourself later for being vulnerable and improving your social skills.

There is rarely a downside to being assertive and asking for what you want. The happiest, most fulfilled men are the ones who go after everything they value in life, and it’s not a coincidence that these men are the ones that women are the most drawn to.

The men who get rejected the most are the ones who succeed the most, and so getting rejected is crucial to your dating success.

Every man in the world has experienced being rejected by a woman (or if he hasn’t, he’s too scared to talk to a woman in the first place). I’ve felt it. My buddies have felt it. I know you’ve felt it otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article.

There’s no doubt about it, getting a “no” totally sucks. It hurts. You might start thinking, “God, I suck. I’m horrible with women…” and that makes things even worse.

Fortunately, there’s a solution and you don’t have to live with the pain of rejection forever.

Making the Transition

All my clients come to me because they’re sick of being rejected. They want to get some wins under their belt. The great thing is, when you put yourself out there and actually do the work of bettering yourself, you can get to a point where getting rejected doesn’t totally knock you out.

You can get so good at handling people that, even if someone says “no” or blows you off, your attitude is, “Whatever. Next!” instead of, “I suck, my life is horrible.”

Having game is about attitude, skillset and yeah, inner confidence.

No one can tell you when you will feel pain and when you won’t. I couldn’t say, “You’ll stop feeling pain when you bang five supermodels.” Maybe you’ll still feel pain at that point, maybe not.

The pain is coming from within you, so something inside of you needs to shift. The outside results can certainly help speed the process, but ultimately, you’ve got to be able to recognize when you feel pain and let yourself move through it.

The Pain Always Shows

It’s not necessarily a bad thing to experience pain in this area, but it does show. My coaches can always tell when a guy is feeling pain versus when he’s feeling confident and calm; it is revealed in the way he carries himself. The way he moves, the way he operates in social situations.

Working through the pain is important if you truly want to experience success with women. Why? Because people want to hang out with other people that make them feel good. People who are in pain all the time, even when things are fine and we’re just chillin at the bar, basically suck to hang out with.

Get Over the Pain by Taking Action

To this day, I still sometimes feel pain if a girl flakes on me or if I have a bad run. It’s not anything like it used to be – there are no thoughts running through my head like, “God, I’m such a loser.” But it will suck, and it stings.

The solution is to take action. I’ll feel the pain for a minute, and then I’ll become even more determined to stack up some wins to feel great again. That means texting girls, approaching them, asking them out, and having sex.

I know for sure that if I’m not getting the results I want, it all has to do with a lack of input. I’m not doing enough to get there – it’s not because my skills aren’t good enough, it’s because I’m not putting the time in.

When you feel pain, take a deep breath. Feel it for a moment but don’t dwell on it. Immediately pinpoint an action you can take that will get you closer to what you want, and finally, take a moment to laugh at the situation – the easiest way for me to tell the difference between someone who is feeling pain and someone who isn’t is whether or not they’re willing to laugh at themselves.

The Lesson: Pain is normal, but if you want to be wildly successful with women, you have to be willing to do the work.

It’s a situation we’ve all been in: you recently met a girl and things seemed to click. You set up a date, and she either tells you she can’t make it, or cuts off any contact whatsoever.

When a girl cancels a date, you may find yourself in a painful situation. But how do you react?

The worst thing you can do is to show that you are upset or angry. Guys often do this by texting something emotionally charged, or demanding an explanation for why she cancelled the date.

The best thing you can do is to show that you aren’t phased by it. Your response should be casual and nonchalant. The following work great:

“Ok sounds good. Lemme know”

“No worries, let me know”

“All good”

“Cool cool”

Guys who have options with women aren’t phased by a small rejection.

If you find yourself in the unfortunate situation where a girl flakes on the date without giving you advance notice or contacting you, ignore her and give it at least a week for her to contact you again.

No one wants to feel guilt tripped into anything, especially a date, and reacting in a hostile emotional way will always hurt you in the long run. You might make her feel guilty and change her mind in the short term, but this type of manipulation will always undermine her attraction for you.

Not getting reactive when a girl rejects you occurs when you have put in a significant amount of repetitions, and when you have other options in your dating life. But until you reach that point, if you are in this situation and feel upset, there isn’t really a way to talk yourself out of not feeling upset. Emotional self-talk doesn’t respond well to rational thought when you are in the heat of the moment.

That isn’t the point though. You don’t need to talk yourself out of the feeling; you just need to talk yourself out of acting on it. It’s okay to feel upset when she cancels a date. It happens to all of us and it’s a part of the human emotional experience.

If a similar situation arises in the future, recognize that you feel upset, recognize what action impulse you are experiencing as a result of that emotion (such as urge to text something you’ll regret), and don’t take that action.

This technique is the reason why it’s good advice to postpone sending a heated email until you’re no longer upset.

Emotions will throw you off if you take what they tell you literally. Take them as feedback about your comfort zone, not as an indicator of how you should behave. It’s the same phenomenon when you feel approach anxiety: the best way to handle it is to acknowledge that it’s there, don’t fight it, and do the opposite of what the emotion tells you to do. You feel the anxiety and approach anyway.

Practice mindfulness skills (being able to recognize your emotions in the moment you’re experiencing them) and take a pause instead of acting when you recognize an urge to send an emotionally charged text.

Should I delete her number?

No. Deleting her contact information is an emotional reaction because you feel rejected. Just let it go and maybe she’ll come back to you. Maybe she won’t, but at least give her the option to do so instead of allowing your current temporary emotional pain to get the best of you. There’s always a chance she stops seeing whoever she’s currently talking to and hits you up in 6 months, so be cool and don’t burn your bridges.

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