In my early twenties I asked a leader I liked and respected to mentor me on a specific skill in which we were both involved. We had a very positive relationship up until that point and I was stunned when he turned me down flat.

It turns out he had agreed to mentor someone before and it went badly. That negative experience convinced him that he wasn’t a good mentor and didn’t enjoy doing it. So he told me no.

I persisted, laying out specifically what I was asking him to do, and how the approach could work. Thankfully, the clarity persuaded him and we had a productive year of official mentoring and an ongoing friendship that has survived more than two decades. In fact, his advice to me when we began Catalyst led us to one of the most important relationships in our early years as an organization.

Being clear was the key.

I have great respect for the expertise and training attained by qualified counsellors and have personally benefitted from seasons of their help. Pastors and other spiritual leaders have provided me with formative guidance. I have developed a trusted group of advisors I can call with questions and in crisis, and I rely on their wisdom. I am genuinely humbled by the quality and variety of people who have invested in me.

I’ve also been privileged to serve others in this capacity both formally and informally for many years. It is one of my favourite things to do. Some have referred to the dynamic as mentoring, pastoring, or coaching; I’m not picky about the term.

With so many models and approaches to coaching available the need for clarity is only increasing. In trying to capture what I try to provide in this role and to get the most out of each session I’ve begun using the acronym PACE to help frame the conversations.

Perspective – Where can my role as an interested outsider be insightful for something you’re considering?Accountability – What actions/issues do you need to be held accountable on?Challenge – Where do you need a push or a prod to step outside your comfort zone?Encouragement – How can I fill your tank? Where are you struggling?

PACE is simple, memorable, and it helps focus the session on what is most important and relevant. It also serves to put responsibility for the content and impact of the conversation where it should be; on the person receiving.

I often advise anyone looking for a mentor to find someone who cares about them and understands the world they want to be part of, grab that person’s sleeve, and don’t let go until you’ve learned what you wanted. Mentoring always works best when the drive comes from the one who wants to learn. (And in my experience the learning usually becomes mutual).

Bringing clarity about the purpose, content, timing, cost, and intended final date of a coaching relationship makes it easier for both people to say yes, and to get the most out of it. Agreeing on expectations up front makes a huge difference.

I am grateful for the initial rejection two decades ago. Working that through has shaped my approach to mentoring much more significantly than if he had said yes from the start.

What is the most important piece of advice you can give about mentoring/coaching?