Tug-of-war

I’ve been feeling pulled in two opposite directions lately, though one direction is definitely winning out – and I’ve been trying to figure out why.

On one hand, I absolutely love Madrid. This city just speaks to my heart and feels like a place I need to be. I feel at home here, I’ve completely fallen head over heels for this city. On the other hand, I’ve spent this school year planning to go back to Washington this summer. How can those two ideas mesh? How can I be looking forward to moving back, while still not wanting to let go of Madrid?

Honestly, I think part of it is a feeling that if I don’t go back now, I might not ever go back. It’s like leaning off the edge of a diving board – at some point there’s no coming back. And I guess I subconsciously realized that I wasn’t ready to cut ties with my past, I wasn’t ready to go quite that far. It didn’t seem fair to let Madrid pull me completely in with no hope of return. And of course, missing my family and friends back home also plays a part.

So, the plan is still to move back to Washington – at least for a few years. Who knows what the future holds. Who knows if I’ll get hired in Washington. But if I do, I’m looking forward to that next chapter of life. I’d like my next adventure abroad to be slightly more planned, slightly more secure and stable. And in an ideal world I’d come back to live in Madrid for a few years… five years down the road.

I feel like this is the right path for me right now. I always do a lot of logical pro/con thinking regarding big choices, and in the end I feel like that logical thinking leads me towards what my gut was telling me all along. I’ve learned to trust my gut, even when people around me might not understand, even when I can’t fully articulate what I’m feeling. But so far, it hasn’t led me wrong. So, my gut is telling me it’s time to move on. We’ll see if circumstances (ie, a job offer) will allow me to do that. Cross your fingers for me!