You do what you must, no matter what the cost

I had a fantastic time last night at the All Over Albany birthday party at the downtown City Beer Hall bar/restaurant. If you’ve never visited the AOA website, do it now. It’s a great resource for Capital District events and goings-on and 518 culture, and Greg Dahlmann and Mary Darcy do a tremendous amount of hard work for that portal. Really good stuff.

And at the party, I had a chance to speak with Daniel Berman, he of the FUSSY Little BLOG. We talked about a few things, and I mentioned that although my blog isn’t food-oriented, I did blog about the recipes I used to create for my kids – including that wonderful delicacy Spam Stroganoff. We talked about other subjects and the like, wished each other well, promised to add each other to our respective blogrolls (which I did this morning), etc.

It’s Friday morning, at about 4:00 a.m. Had an itching for a 4:00 a.m. snack – or at least a glass of cold water. Oh well, since I’m up, better check Facebook. And I saw that my daughter Cassaundra posted another one of her video blogs, this time to her FB account. In it, she talked about the people she thought were her friends, the people who she gave to when they were in need, the people who she would give her last dollar or her last cupcake or her last cigarette. And when times were tough for her – as they were last November – many of those friends didn’t even return the support to her.

After I watched hte video, I called her, just to make sure she was okay. She texted me back, saying she had a job interview in the morning and she was just feeling frustrated about the people she thought were her friends, those same people for whom she gave and got nothing in return.

I wished her well on her job interview, and told her that the best revenge is being successful when your haters want you to fail.

But it occurred to me – I’ve had that happen to me as well. I’ve been there for people who went through tough times – my driving the U-Haul truck when they need to relocate; my covering a restaurant bill when their credit card “mysteriously” gets denied; my loaning them $40 so their card wouldn’t “mysteriously” get denied again; my listening all night when they’re upset about their significant other screwing up something beyond repair – and when times have been rough for me, you couldn’t find those “friends” if you hired Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I’ve learned from these experiences that you have to give friendship and support WITHOUT expecting anything in return. Friendship isn’t like loading a debit card – you don’t give ten points of friendship and expect ten points in return. It doesn’t work that way. You give your ten points, and if you get ten points back, that’s great. If you get five points back, don’t kvetch that you didn’t get an equal return on your contribution.

Of course, being a friend doesn’t mean you become a chump, either. Don’t just be a “soft touch” or “money mark” if you feel you’re just being used or exploited. Give from your heart if you don’t want to give from your purse. Sometimes an open ear is just as effective as an open wallet. Sometimes a friendly lunch at Friendly’s is just as calming to a troubled friend as is a nine-course meal at Chez Tres Expensif.

Is it going to work every time? No. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t keep trying. We get one shot on this planet. We get one chance. One chance to make this world better for our existence upon it. We’re not perfect people. We have foibles and failings and fallacies and fumbles. But we are people with free will. We can stand up to the people who hate us and say to them, “You can hate me all you want; you can talk crap about me to your friends; you can treat me like a pile of manure, and I’ll never let you get me down. Never.”

Twenty years ago, I didn’t give up. I raised Cassaundra and her older sister Sonya as best as I could. I was a single father with very little father training, but I never gave up. If it meant a meal of Spam Stroganoff, so be it. If it meant they ate while I went hungry, so be it. If it meant that they came home to an apartment with a parent, rather than a room in some foster care facility, then so be it.

Because today Cassaundra’s going for a job interview. And she’s going to nail it. And they’re going to hire her and pay her oodles of money. I know this. I have faith in this. And this is happening because twenty years ago I made an important decision.

You do what you must, no matter what the cost.

You have to. God didn’t put you on this earth just so that you could take up space. You’re here for a reason.

Make the reason worthwhile. It’s not just do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It’s do the best for others, and don’t expect a reciprocal investment.

Just do the best.

And Cassaundra – when you get that job (notice that I said when and not if), I hope you and your girlfriend celebrate your success with a big tasty plate of Spam Stroganoff.

3 Responses

I agree with you in that some people need a break. However, I’ve been a doormat to a few people and I realized I was taken advantage of. I also have a few people in my family who are the same way. I agree with what you say but at the same token, I also know who the leaches are. I will no longer be a doormat and I’ve let several “friends” go who don’t deserve to be my friend. The trick is to be aware of the fine line between people needing a break and people who take advantage. Sounds like you were a great single Dad and good luck to your daughter!

“And this is happening because twenty years ago I made an important decision. You do what you must, no matter what the cost. You have to. God didn’t put you on this earth just so that you could take up space. You’re here for a reason.”

I completely understand this statement of yours. And sadly, most people don’t. 14 years ago, I had to make an important decision (sort of the same as you, choosing to raise my 1 year old nephew as my own child), and if events happened the same way today, I would make that same decision in a heartbeat. It was hard, it was difficult, but the rewards are tremendous. In the beginning, it wasn’t easy, because I really wasn’t mentally prepared to sacrifice what I had to. It wasn’t until the moment your exact statement came to me in an epiphany that it all started to make sense, and I could accept the curveball that life had thrown at me… and made me determined to see this through to the end, and change my life.

Kudos to you for raising your girls on your own and doing such a good job – it was hard I know, and there were obstacles but you persevered and came out way ahead!

However, in life MOST people don’t go above and beyond for others without expecting something in return. It is a rare bird who acts selflessly ALL the time. People get their feelings hurt, are betrayed, are hated by people who don’t even know them and eventually lose faith in this “friendship” game.

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