Tag: defusion

And introducing COMPASSION, ACT’s best friend!

Q: What can I do to combat sinking spirits?

A: Say a prayer of kindness.

We may be good at giving Compassion to others, very good, but giving it to ourselves, that may be more difficult. And yet, unless we can learn to be less stingy with ourselves, there won’t really be that much to give away. Compassion really does start at home. Unless we know what it feels like, how can we know what it is that we give away?

Self Compassion is not selfish, self-indulgent, narcissistic. It never was, although in some traditions it has come to be seen as such. Self Compassion is the grown up thing to be. When we can be kind to ourselves without feeling guilty, wrong or weak then we are honouring our true nature and combatting whatever mixed messages we have received from others.

Next time we feel our spirits sink, when we are feeling low and out of sorts, instead of berating ourselves let’s try a word of kindness, an act of comfort. Let’s stop beating ourselves up and give ourselves a break. Our spirits will thank us for it!

Research shows that Compassion is good for us. It’s official. Enjoy!

I wrote “A PRAYER OF KINDNESS” to remind me of that.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

How do cope with sinking spirits?

Are you learning the benefits of Prayers of Kindness?

What can you share that might be of help to others?

Please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

POEM FOR TODAY

THE PRAYER OF KINDNESS

I am waking with a flatness, feeling out of sorts, and so

I will remember at such times that to Compassion I can go

And treat myself with loving kindness, gently keep myself afloat,

For when I’m feeling all at sea I can become my own life-boat.

I can whisper words of comfort as I stand back from the stream

Of a consciousness gone crazy, say thoughts are not what they seem,

Though they present themselves convincingly and masquerade as fact

They’re only story-lines of fiction, they’re just putting on an act.

So, I’ll combat them with Compassion, and I’ll use a kindly tone

As I remind them with respect their story-lines are over-blown,

And though they’re welcome at the table there are others with tales to tell,

If you enjoyed “THE PRAYER OF KINDNESS” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT, and its best friend COMPASSION ……..

The quote by Jack Kornfield reminds me of a book of his that I read years ago that is still sitting on my bookshelf and ready I feel for a re-read.

Jack Kornfield is a wonderful writer. If you are interested in learning more about the Buddha’s universal teachings then Jack Kornfield’s books make those teachings more accessible to western minds. I am eager to read this one again.

ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life? What can YOU do just for today to add some Compassion, some Kindness, into your life?

Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you? Is Compassion part of your life?

I am a student of ACT, I am learning about Compassion.I am on a journey. I would love you to join me.

Our Mind is a wonderful thing. It plans for us, analyses and makes judgements for us, alerts us to threats and dangers and, for much of the time, is an all-round good egg. Where would we be without it? Well I guess we would be like the cows munching in the field. Quite happily enjoying the moment, not worrying where the next blade of grass is coming from.

So far so good. However, our Mind also has the capacity to cause us much distress. With its incredible imaginative powers this is where our wonderful Mind ensures that we part company from the cows! Because we do worry where the next blade of grass is coming from, and more, much more.

Our wonderful Mind seldom rests. Even when we are asleep it is still busy whirring away. Mind is always at it. When it is not planning and analysing and passing judgement, it is imagining, forecasting and projecting. Unfortunately, due to the way it has evolved to keep us safe, Mind often looks on the black side, errs on the side of caution, and conjures up horror stories just to make sure we are paying attention.

In ACT we learn to look on our Mind with a bit of scepticism. We learn that just because it thinks things that doesn’t mean they are true. We learn that we are more than our thoughts, more than our feelings. We learn that we are the Thinker, we are not the thought. We learn about defusion.

When Mind starts conjuring up horror stories we can stop it in its tracks when we remember to defuse. Mind loves to play mind games, but we do not have to fall for them.

If you enjoyed, “HAUNTINGS” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT …..

One of the greatest gifts of ACT is defusion. How wonderful to know that when Mind starts playing its tricks we do have a powerful antidote at hand. We can stop Mind in its tracks. We can create some distance and look at the games it is playing without getting embroiled in the downward spiral.

Troublesome thoughts can drive us mad, fearful thoughts can paralyse us. How many times have our thoughts stopped us doing things we wanted to do? How often have we woken up in a panic, heart pounding, stomach churning, hostage to a mind that is going round in circles? We have all been there. We all know what it is like to be swept away by our thoughts to dark places we would far rather not visit. What to do? That is the question.

Well there are many ways that we can deal with our troublesome thoughts but one of the most effective for me is to adopt an ACT strategy. ACT encourages us to develop a different relationship with our thoughts. ACT reminds us that we are more than our thoughts, more than our feelings. We are the thinker, we are the great story teller, we are conjuring up all these images that play out movies in our minds.

Often our automatic thoughts, our immediate reactions spring from things that have happened in childhood. As powerless little children we developed coping strategies to survive, we internalised core beliefs from our families of origin that may or may not be helpful now. When we have strong powerful reactions and thoughts to things that happen now, it is helpful to see if some of those reactions are products of past childish thinking that is no-longer relevant. This means creating some distance and developing a different relationship with our thoughts. This is helpful.

I wrote “CHILDISH THINKING” to remind me of that.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

How do you cope with your troublesome thoughts?

Are you willing to develop a new relationship with them?

What can you share that might be of help to others?

Please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

POEM FOR TODAY

CHILDISH THINKING

It maybe hopes have faded, we are jaded, out of sorts,

And we’re troubled more than normal by those pesky little thoughts

That keep swirling round in circles ‘til our head is fit to burst,

We are desperate to do something, but don’t know what to do first.

In this instance, there’s a process we can kick-start straight away,

We can make a bit of distance, watch our pesky thoughts at play,

And remember we’re the thinker, we’re imagining it all,

And this moment of awareness means our thoughts begin to stall.

And we can go one step further, hold our thoughts now to account,

And regard them with some rigour as our fears begin to mount,

We can dig them from their hiding place and hold them to the light,

And demand of them some answers, “Are you wrong, or are you right?”

And it could be very likely that we’ll find they’re fantasy,

Just some phantoms from our past cavorting as reality,

And though we’ll honour and acknowledge them for whence they came and why,

If we’re seekers of the truth, we will not on those thoughts rely.

And then we’re ready for the next step, and it’s one that may seem strange,

As we switch from doom and gloomy thoughts to nice thoughts for a change,

And as we conjure up a picture show of shimmering success

We’re no longer sabotaging the potential we possess.

And it may seem a tall order, after all we’ve long been held

Hostage to our childish thinking, and it is not easy quelled,

But if we recognise its origin, we now have power to say,

“Whilst I thank you for your thoughts, I’m in a different place today.”

If you enjoyed “CHILDISH THINKING“ please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT …..

Although not strictly speaking an ACT book, I would like to recommend Lauren Mackler’s book:

Today’s poem, “CHILDISH THINKING” was inspired by a process she describes entitled “The Five Steps to Managing Fear”.

Sometimes you come across a book which resonates with you. It is there at the right time and you are in the right place to appreciate it. That is how I felt when I opened the first pages of “Solemate”. Maybe you will enjoy it too.

ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life?

Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you?

I am a student of ACT. I am on a journey. I would love you to join me.

Perfectionism is a cruel task master. Once it’s got us under its cosh it is most unwilling to let us go. It whispers siren songs trying to convince us that it has our best interests at heart, it doesn’t, that it won’t let us down, it will, and that if we do what it says that we won’t go far wrong, we will!

Perfectionism is not our friend. Most of the time perfectionism leaves us feeling disappointed, miserable and exhausted. This is not a good way to live! If left unchecked it can destroy our health and our relationships. Although we may have started out with good intentions, high standards are, after all, generally believed to be desirable, when high standards turn into impossible, unremitting high standards, perfectionism turns out to be not such a good idea after all.

This is where ACT can be so helpful. ACT reminds us that perfectionism is essentially just an idea. Our perfectionism is the result of the stories we tell ourselves, the thoughts that our mind generates. If our thoughts are full of “oughts” and “shoulds” and “musts”, then it is likely that they are giving us a pretty hard time. Every time our mind tells us that we are not good enough, that what we are doing is not good enough, that good enough is not good enough, we suffer. When it tells us that only perfection will do, it is selling us a lie.

There is no such thing as perfection. We are imperfect human beings and doing our best is surely good enough. When we fail to take satisfaction in our achievements, imperfect though they may be, we are missing out. When we fail to do something because we cannot do it perfectly, we are missing out. Being a perfectionist stops us from learning the lessons that failure would teach us. Perfectionists are afraid to fail and so they often do not try. What a lot of life we are missing out on when perfectionism rules the roost.

ACT helps us to become aware through Mindfulness, then it offers us Defusion to show us how to defuse from unhelpful thoughts. Perfectionist thoughts are rarely helpful. When we are in their grip we are more likely to be moving away from where we want to go than towards it.

I wrote “PERFECTIONISM” to remind me of that.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

Is perfectionism an issue in your life?

Does it work for you or against you?

What can you share that might be of help to others?

Please leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY

POEM FOR TODAY

PERFECTIONISM

It doesn’t all have to be perfect, whatever we think perfect is,

For the price that we pay for perfection is to stress and to get in a tizz,

And it’s all just a silly illusion, this perfection that’s driving us mad,

Better far we accept we’re a little inept and let go and relax just a tad.

And we’ll find that the heavens don’t open, and no lightening is striking us dead,

And in place of the stress a perfectionist bred there’s a lightness that’s spreading instead.

And so, if we are prone to perfection let us pause to consider the cost

Every time we set standards impossibly high and let sweet satisfactions be lost.

And why is it that we’re so persistent in pursuing impossible dreams,

What a boon it would be were we able to see that perfection is not what it seems,

For it is the most brutal task master, pouring scorn when it sees us fall short,

And it never allows us a moment’s respite, keeps us stuck in the trap where we’re caught.

‘Til one day we see through its illusion, and we’re ready to then call its bluff,

So, when it starts to tell us we’ve much more to do, we respond that we’ve done quite enough,

And what pleasure there is for the taking every time we reply in this way,

For the day then becomes full of promise, as perfection is slinking away.

If you enjoyed, “PERFECTIONISM” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT …..

If we have reached a point when we are fed up with life being an endless report card on achievements or looks, a rather fast track to unhappiness, then hopefully we are ready to make some changes. This is easier said than done! After all we have been perfectionists for so long that we have become experts. New behaviour is going to take some time to kick in!

But ACT does offer some really helpful strategies. If perfectionism starts to rear its ugly head then it helps to remember that all these “oughts” and “shoulds” and “musts” and “have tos” are just words, just bits of language. When we speak to ourselves in these terms we are setting up rigid, inflexible rules which create stress and tension. They also create the likelihood of failure. They are at the root of much of our emotional suffering, our disappointment with what life offers.

ACT reminds us of the power of language, the potential that it has to impact negatively or positively on our lives. Even small shifts, saying “may” instead of “must”, “could” instead of “should”, “might” instead of “have to”, reduces the rigidity and creates a choice.

ACT goes one step further. It reminds us that developing a different relationship with our thoughts, defusing from them and seeing ourselves as the Thinker and not the Thought, reduces their impact still further.

This is all good stuff, a life-line for the perfectionists amongst us.

I have just watched one of Joseph Rhinewine’s videos on Perfectionism. You might like to go and check it out. He reminds us that perfectionism has, at base, the common theme of “not enough”, “not good enough”. Perfectionists have a tendency to get rid of, to discount, anything which is not perfect, which ends up being everything! Food for thought!

ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life?

Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you?

I am a student of ACT. I am on a journey. I would love you to join me.

Just because we think something doesn’t mean that it’s right; just because we think something repeatedly doesn’t mean that it’s true. In fact there is a good case for saying that anything that we think automatically, habitually, we would do well to treat with scepticism.

Research shows that about 80% of our thoughts are automatic and, unfortunately, negatively automatic! There is a good evolutionary reason for this. Thinking automatically frees us up to scan our environment for threats, for dangers. The human organism has evolved with a default position for survival and hooray for that! It has ensured the survival of the species, but let’s not fall into the trap of believing that everything we think is true. Automatic thoughts are automatic because we have thought them so often that we have hard wired our brains to produce them. That doesn’t make them true, it just makes them automatic.

If we have automatic thoughts that are unhelpful let’s remember that ACT has a strategy to help us to deal with them more skilfully. It’s called Defusion.

If you enjoyed, “SIREN SONGS” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT …..

Defusion is the key to unlock us from our automatic thoughts, our habitual stories. Awareness of what is happening and making contact with our Self as Context is our path to freedom. Creating a different relationship with our thoughts and seeing ourself as The Thinker and not the thought can empower us hugely.

When we understand that evolution has conspired to ensure our survival and that automatic negative thinking is an important part of that process maybe that will help us to take our thoughts less seriously.

For more on all of this, Delusion and Defusion, there are some great Defusion techniques at getselfhelp.co.uk. Check them out; I found them really useful.

ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life?

Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you?

I am a student of ACT. I am on a journey. I would love you to join me.

Even in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty we have a choice to choose a healthy option. Sometimes it doesn’t seem so. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed by events that we forget that we always do have a choice. We may not be able to change an event but we can choose how we react to it; we may not be able to alter a circumstance but we can choose our attitude towards it.

ACT is very keen to remind us that it is not so much what we view as right or wrong that will make a difference, but rather what is the most effective action we can take. What will work for us, what will move us towards a desired outcome, what actions are most in line with our values, this is what matters in ACT. ACT also reminds us that we are not just our thoughts, we are more than our stories. Learning to recognise this helps us to create a space, to defuse. Defusion is a healthy option.

If you enjoyed, “HEALTHY OPTIONS” please pass it on, and do leave your comments. I would love to hear from you.

And just before you go …..

A final word from ACT …..

Learning some defusion techiques can stand us in good stead when troublesome thoughts come to visit.

ACT is not concerned with challenging or changing a thought, it is not in the business of trying to stop thoughts arising. What ACT is interested in is helping us to develop a different relationship with our thoughts, to see ourself as the Thinker distinct from the thoughts that we are creating.

When we can do this then we will be less in thrall to our thoughts, less inclined to be bossed about them, less likely to take them so seriously. They are only thoughts after all.

ACT often uses metaphors as teaching tools, to help us to see things more clearly. I particularly like the metaphor of the playground bully. This really helped me to view my troublesome thoughts in a different way and to see how treating them more skilfully would lessen their grip on me.Playground Bully

The playground is fenced in and the children have to learn to live with the bully. This bully uses threats, mocking and abusive words to upset his victims. We can’t stop our thoughts, but perhaps we can react to them in a different way, as these victims show us.
Victim 1 – believes the bully (the thoughts), becomes distressed, and reacts automatically. The bully sees this as great entertainment and will carry on targeting this victim. This is how we normally respond to our thoughts.

Victim 2 – challenges the bully, and bully eventually gives up on this victim.

ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY (ACT) – AN ONLINE RESOURCE

Q: I am going round in circles. What can I do?

A: Defuse and let go!

Hanging on is hard, letting go is harder. Or is it? When we want something to be a certain way, when we are invested in a certain outcome, there is a lot of tension around. When we are so focused on forcing solutions there is not much joy to be had.

It is really difficult to know when it is time to try harder or time to surrender. But the time will come when we do get tired of banging our head against a brick wall. The time will come when we are ready to accept the what is. Acceptance need not mean defeat. Acceptance can mean a lightening of the load. When we stop trying so hard to hang on, when we are ready to let go, we open ourselves to other options. I like the idea that letting go means we are giving a thumbs up to the future.

Judgment and fear have a tendency to hold you back from living a rich and meaningful life that is based on your true values and establishing harmony in relationships. There is often a high price to pay for living in a mental and emotional place of judgment and fear. This price may take the form of avoiding relationships with others, challenging mental or physical pursuits, and even discovering your true identity.

Laura suggests 5 Strategies for dealing with the Judgements and Fears that can wreak so much havoc in our lives. It makes for a really helpful read.

ACTivation Point!

SO ……………………….

How about YOU?

What can YOU do just for today to ACTivate your life?

Just for today I will ………………………

If you have read this far, please do leave your comments. How is ACT helping you?

I am a student of ACT. I am on a journey. I would love you to join me.