Thursday, August 19, 2010

Just my thoughts

I moved to this place to create a better life for myself and my children. I really was hoping to see my career take off, which in my mind would mean more money, which would equal a better life.I know that money doesn't buy you happiness, but it's sure important... like breathing. I really wanted to have a life where we didn't worry about being able to pay the bills, and when emergencies show up we could cover it, and could eat out how ever much we wanted and be able to go on trips etc. But here I am poverty stricken once again. Of course I am richer than I think. Heck we pay 1990.00 for rent and 650.00 for private school fees per month. But it's the debt load that hangs over my head. Too much spending, when there was work, too much spending when there wasn't work. Credit cards were at times a way to keep us alive. I will admit there is always frivolous spending.

A year ago I was introduced (on line) to a author named Elizabeth Gilbert. She had some phenomenal book out that went crazy in sales and changed her life. Actually the book was about 'how' she had changed her life from desperation to peace. She had changed, wrote the book and her life changed yet again.

When I first watched her presentation on TED called A DIFFERENT WAY TO THINK ABOUT THE CREATIVE GENIUS, it was mind boggling how effortless she presented. She was in a realm beyond me, and spoke about the creative process I was amazed and I loved it, I ran out bought the book. (Not that the book was about her presentation)If you know me, you know I LOVE to buy books with good intentions of 'ONE DAY' I'm going to read them all! I will proudly say I have read at least half of this book. It was inspiring, and I felt that she was telling my story on these pages. Yes, it was amazing and inspiring to find someone as crazy as myself in black and white.I've kept trying to finish it... but after a long break from reading, Ihave lost some of my memories of some of the content. Happily I found out they made a movie about the book! (more and more I realize that I am a visual learner which might be another reason why I don't fully read the books I buy)The movie came out and I was on a mission! I didn't take anyone with me, I just needed to be alone. I didn't want someone else to distract me or complain they didn't like it etc... I WAS MOVED! How was I to remember all the important lessons that were helping her to grow and change to a woman of peace right before my eyes? I immediately made the decision to see it again, buy the DVD and finish reading the damn book. Five days after seeing it the first time, I saw it again. A little less frantic on trying to remember everything that was going to help me change my life, which I took as a good sign; but still determined to learn the freedoms to peace that she found.

On my drive home from the movie, still in tears, I started to stop looking at my bad and start looking at my good. All the good things that I 'had' done for my children, how I have shown them courage, strength, determination, opportunities that can be created, and survival! I feel like a failure so weak and lifeless most of the time, but this is in my head, probably due to fear. But who I am and what I do is completely different. How many people would sell their house, pack up their five children and move to a city they've never really been to? Then proceed to create a life, make friends with musicians, land gigs at prestigious venues, record 3 albums within 4 years of being here, still keep her kids organised, fed and sheltered while walking them through some of their own difficult situations, work part time, then work full time all while gigging 3-5 times per month, not to mention while working in and around and through a messed up relationship which cancer enters the picture 2 years in.I'M PRETTY AMAZING!!!!