Positive thoughts on my life.

02/28/2018

This morning I was putting the laundry away. Every year I start out by turning the hangers in my closet around backwards on the bar and then in January I go through and get rid of all the clothes I haven't worn. You 've all heard of that little trick haven't you?? I don't have much closet space so it works easier for me if they are organised and not packed with too many options. I like simple. And sometimes I impulse buy and whatever it was that caught my eye one day just isn't as awesome the next time I try to wear it. This year I took extra time and totally emptied my closets and dressers and made a major purge. I took probably 5 trashbags of unwanted apparell to the donation place. It felt amazing at the time. It also gave me a high resolve to improve y eating habits. As a 54 year old, post menopausal woman....who is lazy and out of shape....clothes just don't fit the same as they used to. I avoid short sleeves which is part of the reason I don't mind winter. It's weird to be 50 because muscle mass just starts to diminish at a rapid pace. So anyway, I was cleaning my closet and I just thought, " I can do better". I wrote down several reasons why I should change my eating habits and get in shape. The first being: I want to fit in all the clothes I decided to keep. And then.... I want to look amazing at my son's wedding in April....I want to blah, blah, blah. There was a long list. But then I thought about my career and how I so want to be in the field of health and wellness. I studied horticulture in college...I know how to garden...I have a health coaching certificate and will soon be a licensed massage thereapist. Laying in bed and eating Reeces peanut butter cups doesn't fit in with my goals at all. It's not who I want to be. I have the knowledge just not the discilpline to apply. Application became my mantra so I decided to make a change for the month of January. I started on the Whole 30 program and totally eliminated sugar, dairy and whole grains from my diet. It wasn't easy but I did eat a lot of fat and vegetables. I never knew how much I love avacodos and sweet potatotoes and nuts. I postsed a sign in my bedroom that said, "willpower breeds willpower" . A couple days in there I ate some yogurt which was cheating but F it. At least it wasn't a candy bar. After about 20 days, I started to slim down and lose a couple pounds. My clothes started to fit better. My pants were loose and I was feeling pretty happy with myself. I think all in all I lost about 6 or 8 pounds but I was just happy I could button my flannel shirts without a gap between the buttons at my belly button. I literally made myself a whole new wardobe out of the clothes I all ready had in my closet....and that was the goal I wanted to achieve. Well, after the 30 days, I started to slack off of my new diet, I had a waffle with syrup.....this week, I went to a bridal shower and ate 5 cupcakes....one right after the other.....then I went out for tacos one day and a cheeseburger the next. Last night I bought more steak tacos......and then I ran off to a class that I had signed up for called "A Champion Mindset: how to think like a champion and get your gold" I texted my friend, Sassypants, and said, "The hardest part is going in. I don't know anyone." She said, "it will be all right. Just go" So I did. I LOVED the lady putting on the class and about 8 other ladys showed up. One gal brought her husband who said, "I'm just here to support my wife" I thought that was so awesome. We sat there and talked about winning and goalsetting and visualization.....everything that I love to talk about. I felt like I had found my tribe. but then I heard this deep grumble and I looked around the room and realized it was me. and then It happened again. I turned to the lady Iwas sitting next to and apologized. Her husband said, "Oh!! I thought that was my wife's phone" Well, my bowels were going crazy. I honesty thought I might shit my pants right there which isn't very olympian at all. it's funny because we were talking about how what you focus in your thoughts grows. And the more I sat and thought about my intestines acting up, the worse it got and I finally had to excuse myself and race home like I was actually running a race in the Olympics and aiming for the Gold medal. I did make it home and laughed the entire way thinking about how insane that was. It made me think of the bathroom scene in the movie Dumb and Dumber which I love. I wrote to the lady who put on the class and told her how much I enjoyed her class and she wrote back that whe was worried about me and then I wrote her back and said this......"I have to admit I laughed all the way home at how funny that situation was for me. It's like I stepped out of the box to learn how to go after the Olympic Gold and If I had actually been running a race, I'd be the one shitting my pants while crossing the finish line. That's why Idon't run. Have a great day!!" She sent me back a LOL face. Those people who crap themselves at the finish line have always terrified me. But anyway, today I am thinking about how easy it was for me to actually do the whole 30 program in January. I had the mindset of an olympian. I had a specific goal. I was lazer focused on achieving it, nothing got in my way and I visualized myself fitting into all the clothes left in my closet after the major purge....and it worked. I need a new goal. A specific goal to keep me on track.....I bought a dress for Ians wedding.....maybe fitting in that will be my new goal....it's sleeveless so I have some work to do......I can guarantee you I will not be running to get into shape. Yikes! What about you all? Do you set goals? Are you lazer focused? Do you have the mindset of an Olympian? Tell me!!

02/25/2018

Someone asked me this weekend if I am lonely. Um.....honestly the answer to that is no. I truly do enjoy being alone. Surprisingly, I tend to be an introvert. I'm kind of shy and feel awkward making small talk with people I don't know well. I mean I can do it but it's not my favorite thing to do. I cherish phone calls from the people I adore and sometimes that's enough. My kids and I have a group chat that is entertaining.....it's an ongoing discussion of fun topics so we all stay in the loop of what is going on with each other. I try to reach out to friends and keep communication open. I have several girlfriends that I communicate with on a daily basis....or weekly. .....and I have my mom....we chat. I made a new friend, Tracy, I adore her. We have a love for essential oils so we share ideas. If you are interested in any information on that subject you can hit me up and I can tell you all about Young Living! Right now I am diffusing "JOY" in my bedroom .....and smiling! I like to make bath salts and lotion and stuff with the oils too. It's a fun little hobby. Sometimes I write letters to reach out to people. It's always fun when I get one back in the mail! Do you write letters and send them in the mail? It's fun!! So really I don't get lonely.....hell, I've even started enjoying eating lunch out by myself. It's a gift to not HAVE to have somebody next to you to feel comfortable out in public. It's always funner with two but you know, if I want a cup of soup on a chilly day, I'm gonna get one! I like to go to diners and belly up to the counter. A cup of soup and some cornbread is only 4 bucks and people sitting at the counter of a diner are nice. The experience is worth every penny. I will say I do get bored. Emily says there is no excuse for boredom. There is always something to do. It's true.....You just have to make yourself get up off your ass and get busy. And sometimes I guess I feel uncertain of where life is taking me....or restless.....but not lonely. I just try to say "YES" to opportunities and rest up for the next invitation! Last night, a girlfriend reached out and told me about a church in Lawrence that I might like. See? I mentioned a desire and got an answer!! I'm gonna go next Sunday. She also invited me on a girl's weekend in September....a trip to Nashville. I said, "yes" because why the hell not! Nashville is a fun place! I won't know anyone but then again they don't me so it's an opportunity to make new friends. Today the sun is shining and I woke up to birds chirping and it was delightful! Spring is on it's way! A couple weeks ago I flew home from Texas. It's funny how much I don't mind flying now. It was a cloudy day when I got on the plane but when we got in the air, I saw this.....

(ok....I don't know why the pictures are sideways)

We were up above the clouds and the skies were blue. I wondered how many people looking up from the ground actually knew that just on the other side of the wall of clouds were blue skies waiting for them. That's hope! Knowing the clouds will clear and all will be beautiful with a little patience. and that is a good thing!! Man! It's a great day!! High kick!! Enjoy!!

02/24/2018

So...... I saw my mom yesterday and she said, "you"re so honest on your blog. Who woud have known? You always seem so happy!" Being content is a lot of work! I actually am pretty happy! I think winter just kind of sucks all the way around. I went to the doctor for a checkup recently because I wasn't feeling good. I have insomnia. My intestines were acting up. I thought for sure I had something fatal going on. The doctor ordered an extensive panel of bloodwork. When the results came back, she said, "you have the bloodwork of a 30 year old!" I'm perfectly healthy! Her advice was to get exercise every day, sweat 2 times a week and then she said, "what did you like to do as a kid?? do that!" I'm not sure what I enjoyed doing as a kid but I thought that was pretty good advice! A friend gave me another bit of solid advice......he said, "you need to learn to be happy just where you are at." I tend to want to figure things out. Have a direction and a goal to strive for......I am the queen of overthinking.....which leads to insomnia and poor gut health. I have to purposely take steps to keep a positive mindset. You know, like going to school! that was a good step for me and I'm looking forward to my new business! I love my classmates and the instructors and getting out of Perry and spending time in Lawrence twice a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my favorite days! I signed up for a class next Tuesday night that I'm super excited about. A lady who is a life coach is doing a class on achieving your dreams. I hope to be super motivated after that! I joined a gym! It hasn't opened yet but I'm excited about it. My doctor is opening a wellness center in Lawrence and the gym is part of that. I'm hoping to meet new people and be a part of the wellness group. I'm hoping to go and swim. I used to love to swim! I try to be thankful every day and start each day with a list of 5 things I'm thankful for. It's a nice habit. I love spending time with my grandsons. I'm thankful they live close by. You know? As I'm listing all this on here, I'm thinking I have it pretty darn good! It's Saturday afternoon. I haven't gotten out of bed today and I don't have to!! I don't have to do a damn thing and really it feels pretty good! You know what else feels good? Singing karoake. I sang the crap out of a song last night at the pub and I loved doing that. I have no idea what it sounded like to everyone else but it was liberating to let go and sing my heart out. Ive always wanted to be a motiviational speaker but I'm shy and afraid of speaking in public. Maybe karoake is the stepping stone to that career!! You never know!! I guess the peace comes from looking at the future with possibiities instead of fear. The Bible says in the book of Timothy that God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power and love and a sound mind. One of my goals for this year is to find a good church. One of my favorite things to do when I go visit Greg is to go to his church. It's so uplifing and pleasant! That would probably be the best thing for my soul to do! So I guess to my mom, I would have to say......I am honest on my blog! I like to share my deep thoughts but I'm happy too. I've been a lot happier lately focusing on the present moment and getting comfortable with my new life....alone with my dog. But really I'm not ever really alone. I have so many loving friends and family and I carry a lot of LOVE around in my heart from all of you! I'm just one blessed girl! THANK YOU!!!

02/22/2018

So I've had a lot of people lately ask me when I will make another blog post. I've been told that they miss me. I'm not going to lie...It feels pretty good to be missed. I don't really know what happened with this old blog. I guess I pulled a Forrest Gump and just stopped one day. By the looks of it, a whole year and 2 months has gone by. That time really flew by for me! I hope it did for you too and you are enjoying the heck out of your life! I've been kind of in a weird place. I've started to get on here a couple of times but then I realize this is supposed to be a place for positive thoughts so I've backtracked my steps off of the computer. Last fall, after a glorious summer, Max returned to college. And then a few months later, Asa and Courtney and my two sweet grandsons moved into a house of their own. I am not complaining about that. Kids are supposed to move out and learn to maneuver life in their own way. The weird thing is I've lived my entire adult life in a chaotic house full of people. I kind of always thrived on the chaos and all the commotion. I would always go to my room and close the door and dream of the simple quiet times ahead when I could just be and do whatever I wanted to do. Man! I had some good dreams. All the commotion was a wonderful excuse as to why I hadn't accomplished much of anything. There was just always so much going on and people needed me. I will never forget a good friend asking me one day, "why do you always use your kids as an excuse?" I never realized I did that but I did. Like when someone would stop over and the house was a mess, I'd say, "sorry for the mess. the kids had friends over" or if I was late to something, I'd say, "sorry I'm late. I had to cook dinner for the kids" Actually I was just lazy a lot of the time. Having 5 kids was a great excuse for being mediocre. I think I was a pretty good mom though. That was always my main goal! But now most of them are gone. Sam is still here.... but he's never home. He's a busy boy and that is a good thing for him although I am having a difficult time with the silence. I don't feel sorry for myself....more scared. Like next year, Sam will graduate and actually move out and then I will be here. alone. I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of the silence or the fact that I won't have any more excuses. Sometimes I even ask Sam..."Is it going to be hard next year when you move out and I'm stuck here all by myself?" He looks at me and smiles....actually it's more of a smirk..... and says, "yeah" then walks out the door to his next activity.....and I stand in the living room and just think "hmmmm." I can't say that I hate being here by myself but it sure is different. And it's taken a little bit of time to get used to. This year I spent the entire month of January purging and cleaning and making a space for everything. It felt so good. Actually my house has never been cleaner or tidyer. I LOVE waking up to clean. Since I don't have to cook for a mob any more, I've been able to clean up my diet too. Sometimes I don't eat at all and that's ok. I'm lucky that I enrolled in school last August so I have classes to study for and homework to focus on. I LOVE learning knew things. I'm all ready trying to figure out what I can study next. I'm thinking Feng Shui would be fun to master!! I'm not exactly sure why I decided to enroll in massage therapy school but I am truly enjoying it. The human body is fascinating!! I am planning to start a business when I graduate in August! Hopefully by September 1, I will open the doors to this......

I Love it! Of course, I have a million other ideas flowing through my head too....just today I approached a friend about opening a coffee shop along with the massage shop......because it's just a damn good idea and she and I would rock it so hard. I'm feeling pretty confident that my business will be successful....but of course it's kind of late and I have had a couple beers too. See? that is another plus of living alone....I can do whatever I want to....like drink a beer or two without judgement. This post might sound a little bit forlornly but truly it's not meant to be that way. I guess at the moment, I feel I have been suckerpunched by life itself. But, see?? this is where the superhero cape comes in handy..... they wrote a song about it....it goes something like this......"I get knocked down but I get up again" ....and that is where the true power lies.....on the getting back up. It's a good thing.

01/21/2017

This is my 3rd year working for the school as a classroom para....an aid? a helper? A personal assistant to those who need a little help? When I first applied for the position, I wanted a reason to get out of bed every morning and a place to go. I needed a purpose and I found one in in kindergarden. what a fun place to spend the day....but for me...you can only sing the alphabet so many times before well....um, I guess you're head feels like it might pop off. I could only take 2 years of that routine. I have a deep respect for teachers who teach young children the basics year after year. It's a gift that shouldn't be taken lightly. I decided to move on. It's a little scary to commit to a full time job with the same hours every day where you have to sit in the same spot and talk to the same people and do the same task only to get some decent health care.....especially for me as I have never had to do such a thing. Being self employed for so many years has sort of damaged my career options because I never learned to sit still. At the end of the school year, I had a strong resolve to move on from my measly little teacher assistant job that's pays very little and has no benefits other than personal satisfaction. I contacted a friend who has a career working in human resources and we created a resume. I invited her over and we discussed career options. I was excited about the possibilities of where I could go .....and then? I went to Texas. All I've ever thought about since leaving there is going back and a full time job with benefits and no vacation seemed like a horrible idea. I called my employer and was offered a job at the high school as a para which I accepted. I've had kids in the public school system in this district for 27 years. I know the teachers and staff well. I know most of the kids too. Walking into the school that day was a little overwhelming for me. Several people asked me, "What are you doing here?" and in legally blonde mode I would answer, "I work here." I'm not going to lie. It was a little awkward walking into a classroom and hearing kids tell Samuel....."Hey Sam! There's your mom!!" But I still walked in and sat down and took notes and spent more time trying not to acknowledge Sam than anything. The first part of the year was a little bit underwhelming and I spent quite a bit of time getting to know the kids and letting them get to know me but then something changed. I was put into an algebra class. It took me 3 attempts to pass college algebra. I hated high school. I didn't go and when I did, I didn't pay much attention...let alone learn math. During one of the initial classes, the teacher gave the kids time to work on an assignment. One kid asked me for help so I walked over and looked at his paper and I had to tell him that I did not have any idea how to help him with that problem. That was a humiliating moment and made me question what the hell I was even doing there. So this is what I did. I started learning how to actually do the work. I downloaded an app that teaches math and I started working problems and watching videos. I realized that I had forgotten how to do simple math like working with fractions. Luckily, the teacher is a first year graduate and he's kind of funny. I told him I had no idea how to help those kids because my math skills were so terrible....but I was going to learn. I went back and relearned math starting at the 5th grade on my app. I've relearned 6th grade and part of 7th. When the teacher hands out an assignment, I sit at my desk and do the work. Sometimes in class I am partnered up with another student and actually feel like I am helping and not a complete failure for not understanding how to manipulate the numbers. Sometimes, the teacher calls on me for a answer in class as if i were a student and I kind of adore that little game. I also get a sense of pride that I can answer a question because there was one day where I played a game with the kids during class and came in last place which all the kids found rather amusing. And you know what? I love that feeling! I feel a sense of pride that finally....I totally get algebra...at the basic level but still. It's rewarding to master a skill that has left me feeling a little pathetic my whole life and to actually be able to be of some service to the kids. Kids who like me....if only for the fact that I keep a jar of jolly ranchers on my desk and insist they be nice to me before I'll give them one. After successfully mastering the basic algebra class, I guess my boss realized he could just stick me anywhere and I wouldn't complain. I'm pretty sure I get the classes that nobody else wants and I just eat them up. I love it! Currently, I am in 3 math classes, british literature and mythology. This is my second semester in mythology. It's that class that has showed me how just how smart high school kids are. Their brains are like a sponge. I find it impressive when they memorize 40 greek gods and and can pass a test about them in the first two weeks of the class. I always sit there and am amazed at their brilliance. When I talk about my job, I have a friend who always asks me....."Soooo, are you there helping students or are you actually taking classes?" I guess the answer to that is both! I'm thankful that I am still teachable! Some of my co-workers that I worked with from the elementary school ask me, "how do you like your new position?" and I have to tell them I love it....except for the pay....and I feel like I could be doing more. Yesterday, a gal told me, "you are being underutilized. Maybe you should look into becoming a teacher or a social worker" My dad has told me for years that I should look into becoming a teacher. When I worked at the grade school, I felt like there was no way in hell I would commit to a lifetime of that stress. The teachers work their asses off, spend too much of their own money and have to take work home getting little time off. They are grossly underpaid.....but at the high school level? I can actually see myself doing that...and making a difference. So this week I am going to contact a university and seek out the options. All it took was that algebra class to make me feel like I can actually conquer the world! You know? I have a little scrapbook from when I was in college. A few years ago, I found it and looked through it. I was a really good college student. I applied myself. I helped people. I coordinated projects that were worthy endeavers and they were successful. I had such big dreams and somewhere along the way, I got lost.....maybe I didn't get lost but I definately took a different route. When I opened that book, I flipped through the pages and I actually cried....a deep purging belly cry.... and wondered what happened to that girl. and put it away. I haven't forgotten that day because it was such an overwhelming emotional day for me. For the first time in a long time, I can see that girl is still in there waiting to be released! It's great! The kids were assigned this book. When I read the first paragrah of the forward, the words touched my heart.....

Chronic remorse.....rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean. Ain't that the truth?? Anybody want to take a guess at what that book is? I had to read the first chapter 3 times to figure out what the hell the author was talking about. This weekend I will read chapter 2 and the reading assignment by Chaucer....and maybe finish the algebra homework. And maybe Monday I will make some phone calls....and pull myself out of the muck.....maybe today I will send an email. It's time to stop playing small....do better. I'm thankful that I listened to my heart and made a change. It's been life changing for me.....if for nothing else than realizing I still have it going on.....if only in my own mind....and really that's the only place that really matters! It's a good thing!

01/19/2017

I've come to the conclusion that June was tearing throught the blankets looking for a cookie! It's possible since I have, for some reason, formed a habit of eating in bed every night at 10 pm. Just when I am about to close my eyes to fall asleep, something comes over me and I throw all caution to the wind and end up running downstairs for cookies....or a piece of chocolate....or a bag of chips. It's basically whatever I can find....except the bananas or little cuties or anything remotely healthy. Luckily, my fun little habit hasn't turned into a love of making giant submarine sandwiches because I would so eat one of those too and then June could really have a good time with the sheets! I bet she likes mustard as much as I do! With all the nutrition information I have acquired, I know what is good and bad for me but I just don't apply that knowledge. I know fruits and vegetables are good, protein is good, exercise is good, you shouldn't eat food that you buy from the place where you buy your gas....I know all that. Over the past year, I have gained ten pounds. 10 glorious pounds of gluttonous heavenly delight. My diet seems to wax and wane according to one pair of jeans. If they fit, I'll eat and if they don't, I'll back off until they do. I don't want to buy a new wardrobe. Luckily the pants are still fitting although the muffin top is looking these days like it may explode. Last night I went to Jazzercise. As I pulled up I saw a group of young girls standing outside the door all dressed and ready to workout. My initial reaction was exactly this, "ah, fuck." I mean I've grown accustomed to being the youngest one there. I enjoy dancing with the older crowd. I don't feel uncoordinated standing next to a woman in her 80's who is taking me to school on the dance floor....I just hink "I want to be like her some day! Go YOU!" I had a slight bit of anxiety about watching those young fit college girls jumping and keeping up with the instructor on their first try when it has taken me several classes just to be able to learn some of the moves. So this is what I did when the class started. I moved to the front where I couldn't see them . Front and center......and I worked my ass off. I kept up. I smiled, I had a really great time doing the 9000 squats and lunges that were required of me....and I paid no attention to the girls behind me. I couldn't see them. For the first time, I left that studio with my hair drenched in sweat and it felt so good. I loved it. Near the end of the session as I was writhing in pain from the abdominal work out, I had a out of body experience. I just had to leave and drift to another demention and I began to contemplate life and fitness. It was then I realized June probably wasn't being a little bitch trying to tear up the blanket, she was probably looking for scraps of food. and it was then I had this thought, "Holy cow, I bet this workout would really show results if I quit laying in bed eating cookies!" I had my "aha" moment. I developed a plan to make one small change.....one small change is easier than a life altering remake of your life that hardly ever works out, you know? I don't have to vow to eliminate any food groups but I can make my bedroom a "food free zone and stop eating in the bed." When I popped back to reality I just thought, "damn! that's a good plan! and doable" Guess what? Last night it worked! I didn't even think of snacking in bed and this morning I didn't wake up feeling like a giant toad....which makes me want to try it again tonight!! As I was dropping Sam off at school this morning, he took some things out of his backpack.....one of them being this....

Talk about temptation looking you straight in the eye! It was a little difficult driving home with that sitting within arm's reach. I just thought how funny that today he would leave it there for me......and then I thought, "I can eat that if I want to.....just not in bed!" and I felt better....but really that option just isn't too appealling and makes me not want to eat it at all......Funny how the mind works, isn't it?

01/18/2017

Sassypants and I were talking over the weekend how good a positive attitude feels. It just makes life better. I told her how life changing this blog was for me when I first began to write it. Wake up. Start each day with a positive thought. It wasn't very many days until I had a genuine skip in my step. I thrived on looking for the good things happening all around me. One good thought led to 2 then it was a just a daily norm. Looking for the good has become a habit for me and it's fun! Here's some examples..... Last night as I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep, June was tearing something up on the other side of the bed. She was really getting down shredding something to pieces. I poked her in the ribs a few times and told her to stop but she didn't. I figured it was one of her many stuffed animals tince fluff was flying everywhere. I dozed off while she was still in action and when I woke up this morning, I realized she had torn apart my blanket. The one I was sleeping under and she was sleeping on top of. I guess last night I was just thankful that she hadn't chosen to play with the toy that has the squeaker in it because that one is a little annoying. When I woke up and discovered what she had done, I just smiled at June and laughed at myself for assuming she was ripping her little monkey apart when she was in fact tearing the actual bed apart. And then I thought "Well, it's January so I suppose there will be some really good sales on blankets coming up pretty soon." and now my heart is dreaming of a new fun blanket in a color other than utility brown. See? June did me a favor. That ugly old blanket wasn't fun at all. Actually, it was so heavy I kicked it off most nights. just now! I dropped my hairbrush in the toilet. My first thought was, "Thank God it was flushed!" I just went downstairs to let the dogs out. It's kind of dreary and cold but when I opened the door, I could hear the birds chirping. They were singing so pretty I had to step outside and have a listen. Then I thought about how nice the cool air felt against my skin and I smiled. I realized when I came in that I had forgotten my coffee cup upstairs which I had wanted to refill and was thankful that I could get in some extra steps by coming back up to get it. I ate like a horse yesterday and when I initially got dressed I felt confined in the dress, confined and uncomfortable so I took that as an opportunity to wear leggings and a baggy shirt and now? I feel fantastic! I think today I feel bloated enough to even wear a poncho.....my favorite! Positive thinking is a learned skill. It sure does make life a lot funner. What about you? Do you start each day with positive thoughts? Have you developed a habit in finding the good? If not, try it today! You will not be disappointed! High kick!

01/17/2017

Hi! You don't even know how many times I've had the urge to tell you all something! I have an extra hour this morning so here I am writing to you! Happy New Year! I think this is going to be a great year!! Don't you? I do not have any goals so I am one who will not be disappointed in myself. Remember the last time we talked I was in "I don't give a shit" mode? Well, I've found I can do that attitude well! I don't even do the laundry every day any more. I think right now there is a pile.....probably 3 loads.... to do. And that is OK! I have found that not giving a shit kind of leads to laziness for me. I'm going to have to start giving a few f**ks! I have found that being a 50 something year old woman maybe some intentional exercise and maybe some dietary limitations are in order. It's a struggle! I think last night I ate 4 cookies in bed at 10 pm. That's really not in my best interest. I really have nobody to blame for feeling like a cow this morning but myself. The good thing is today is a new day and I can try again to do better! Oh and I have joined Jazzercise for some fun exercise! The earth gym took a toll on me after the leaf drop of 2016. Raking leaves is just a pain in the ass. I finally gave up....and started laying in my bed thinking about raking leaves. I'd like to say I've been out hiking new trails and climbing mountains and kicking ass but the truth is I've been laying in bed staring at the ceiling....and eating cookies. So joining Jazzercise was a good thing for me. It's a treat! Hopefully this spring I will add in some walking. It's a mindset and I'm not there at the moment. I've become a traveller since we last talked to! One of my favorite things to do is go to Texas and see Greg. You wouldn't believe how many hours we have talked on the phone since July. It's a bunch! I have loved every minute of it! It's amazing how it never gets old. I'm getting to be a pro at manuevering the airports. Just as few short months ago I was terrified of flying and now? I love it! I'm not scared any more and that is a good thing! I'm eagerly awaiting a trip in less than two weeks.....just counting down the days at this point! Greg is just a really cool guy! He's fun and happy and likes to hang out with me. My heart feels at home with him. He's comfortable....like a favorite pair of shoes! Speaking of shoes....I spent last weekend with Sassy Pants and we shopped! Girlfriends are Fun! and refreshing and good for the soul! Having a girlfriend who knows where the good sales are is a double bonus! Oh the fun we had! Feeling blue? Call up a friend and have some laughs! That's my advise for today! Even if you aren't feeling blue....call a girlfriend! We need each other! If possible, buy new shoes too! We shopped the shit out of the shoe sale! I bought boots! This morning I had a hard time choosing what to wear with them......I started out with this....

But, changed my mind and am wearing this....

I'm hoping this tight ass pencil skirt will help me to walk away from the cookies today! And now it is time for me to actually go to work! So....what do you think? Should I write to you again? Do you have any questions for me?? What do you want to know??

I think this might just be the best day ever!! What do you think, People?? Tell me!

08/24/2016

It's Wednesday! Hump day! The middle of the week! I've gotten a lot accomplished as of late! This year I accepted a new job as a para in the district...only at the high school. I graduated from kindergarten so no more recesses. I started last week and have to admit that I LOVE IT! The kids are great and my coworkers are fun. I think it's going to be a good year! I can't really say that this new position has solved my longing for a new career BUT I love the school schedule and I was wanting the vacation days. I have to admit I love days off. I figured I could compensate for the lack of monetary reward by just spending less. I went through my budget and scaled back. I have found a great way to save cash and not be bored is by sleeping! Just lay down and close your eyes! It's amazingly simple and refreshing! In fact as I sit here this morning, I am finding my soul longing to hurry up with the day so I can crawl back into bed at 4:00!! Over the past weekend, I took one day and cleaned and scoured the house. Last Friday, Max moved into his college dorm and so now, it's just Sam and me living here. It's pretty simple to keep things orderly and pleasant.....not that Max was a giant pig or anything....Sam just isn't home much and well.....as I said, I've been asleep sooooo there isn't really very much to do or take care of......everything is in it's place. I find that quite pleasant. I've been making an effort to eat breakfast before work. It's kind of a hard habit to get used to. I eat fruit and drink coffee which makes me have to pee all morning and wish I had some crackers to eat. So here I sit waiting to go to work....feeling blessed....except for the fact that I wish I had taken a few minutes to shave my legs this morning because I just looked down and EGADS! I think that is just one more reason to keep looking UP! It's gonna be a great day!! I can feel it! How about you?? Tell me!

08/18/2016

So a few months ago I decided my motto would be "I don't give a shit." and you know what? I stopped giving a shit. It wasn't a bad thing and it doesn't mean I quit caring. I just started kind of blocking out the expectations and doing the things I love to do without regard to whether or not they were appropriate. I'm my own worst critic and I think most people are! It's taken me quite some time to find the strength to follow my heart. It started with learning to love who I am and that took a lot of work.....a lot of fake smiles in the mirror....which eventually turned into genuine happy looks of adoration. There is just something beautiful about enjoying being who you are!! This summer, with my new found attitude, I started really taking time to spend time with myself and figuring out what I wanted and actually loved to do! One thing I love doing is mowing the yard! I have enjoyed every second of sweating and sore muscles. I love watching the lines of mowed grass and the feeling of accomplishment when I am finished. Another thing I have done is give myself time to fiddlefart around the house.....alone.....which I spent 27 years doing when I was married. I actually love spending time alone, doing nothing, sorting through shit, going from one activity to another and accomplishing....some days....very little....that's what I do best! This summer I spent more time alone than I have in the past 5 years and I loved it. Sometimes, I just sat on the deck and contemplated life. Sometimes, I drank too much beer in the garage....by myself...which I enjoy doing! Sometimes, I probably spent too much time on social media while lying in my bed. I don't know what I did really but I do know that I love my time alone. I get a kick out of myself and laugh out loud and when my boys catch me doing that they look at me like I am insane! Who knows?? Maybe I am! This summer, I opened up and talked to more people than I ever have! I so enjoyed Sam playing on the baseball team in Lawrence. I met so many enjoyable new folks. I yakked it up at every game! I met some new friends! Every game was pleasant and I looked forward to them. It was nice being around a bunch of adults who seemed like really good human beings. I have no idea what they thought of me but I enjoyed the crap out of them and that's what matters! My trip to Texas was amazing and I enjoyed reconnecting with my 4 good friends who I feel so comfortable with....who knew I would come home with my love, Dr. Cool ...and a new best friend and sister....ol Sassypants but what a treat that has been. Such a sweet addition to my world. I don't think I would have agreed to go if I had really gave two shits about what "the rules" are. I mean who runs off to spend time with people they don't even know? It seems so silly yet saying "Yes" to that offer was probably the best decision I ever made. I can't thank my friend, Mark, enough for making that happen and encouraging me to "just be". For me, Just Being has been so liberating.....Just Be.....quit giving a shit about whats going to happen, love yourself and others and let things happen! I have not worried or stewed or been frantic about the future in awhile now and life is so good living that way. I have eaten whatever I wanted to eat and have actually lost 6 pounds....by not fixating on what I am putting in my mouth next. I have stepped out and had adventures and laughed more than I ever have! I have spent quality time with my kids. I've listened to some great music with Reggie. I've spent time with my parents whom I love! I've said "no" to things I didn't want to do. I have allowed a wonderful man to love me and I have loved him right back. For the first time in a long long time when he tells me I am beautiful, I actually believe him. I've tried my best...and that's all I can do! It all started with letting go. Letting go opens the door for greater things....like happiness.