a mothers daily grind

Mondays are weird

Now is a moment of a billion thoughts. Staying on topic terrifies me. I have already started 4 projects, one is still all over the kitchen counter. I had a super ambitious start, promise.

What’s weird about Mondays, when something hard happens the week before..is that it’s in your face-new. It’s scary to move on and begin again. Part of me wants to stay in last weeks terror and mourning. Stay in the sadness of losing a young man and lay in bed all day and think about his sweet life. How well he lived it and how intense and beautiful the drum-line was at his funeral. I want to respect and ponder and sit still. His story can be found here. (for those wondering, he was a cousin on my mom’s side)

Stillness can look so many different ways. Sitting and physically being still, hardly possible over here. But, my heart; it’s still. Quiet and pensive. Intentional. I’m figuring out that it’s not moving on when another morning hits. You are changed and it’s moving into the “new” normal. It’s not moving on. It’s remembering, it’s being still and respectful. It’s changing.

My sister and I laughed hard when the toy zebra clipped onto my carryon hit every single aisle sitter’s knees. It seemed to swing at hit every. single. person. We sat in our excuses for seats and talked and laughed and remembered. Van screamed and I couldn’t help but have a still heart. Even in the crammed middle seat with a sick & fussy baby. Thinking about my uncle and aunt who lost their baby boy. Twenty-two years ago, they held him and snuggled him and kissed his cheeks like I kiss baby boy cheeks. That when Garth cried of fatigue or hunger, they held him tight and met his sweet needs. I told my uncle that I will have a slow pace with Van, that I will remember. That when it’s hard, I will remember Garth. That life here is almost gone and it’s not our home. The little giggles and zebra hitting the knees and the tears during the drum-line and the rocking the baby to sleep is where life IS.

Drew reminds me as I leave to take the kids to Sprouts. This is water, Jen. This is it. A perspective taken from David Foster Wallace, listen to his speech here. life-changing. (thinking about fish and water and the skepticism of the totally obvious; perspective).

So, this Monday, I know Garth would say, this is water, live it. Swim in it, feel it, be aware of it. Today, my heart is a little more still and my mind is a little more aware and heart more appreciative.

Time to turn on some Coldplay, kiss my babies and hopefully clean off the counter sometime before midnight..

If you are near a Costco or Sprouts, go grab these. It’s the perfect sweet to really satisfy that sweet tooth without feeling completely guilty. So, so yummy.