Hiccups.

I try to keep this blog mostly fashion related, but the truth is I also look at this as a personal time capsule; I want to be able to look back on this and know what I was feeling, what my life was like. I have a bad memory. I tried keeping more than one blog up to date but failed – so every several months or so, you might have to skip over a slightly off-topic, more personal post. Feel free to gloss over this whole post if you’re just here for the fashion.

Lately, I’ve been in a transient state of cloudy discernment and emotional regression.

And I’ve been lost. I’ve been completely lost.

I’m telling you now that the New Year, remaining loyal to my tradition, hasn’t started until I say it has begun. I can’t bring myself to start off the year with such a feeling of bewilderment; I need a direction and I need it to be pointing forward. Instead, I’m looking over my shoulder and blindly tripping over everything ahead of me. What is missing inside of me that keeps me absolutely fixated on the past, especially in what should be new beginnings?

I guess I’m just lost.

Yet, here I am in one piece and breathing easily, my heart a little abnormal but still beating. Where is the tragedy in my ordinary life, and what is so wrong with today that makes me want to drown myself in my past? I’m starting to think that I don’t know how to function without chaos and heartache in my life. It’s all I ever knew and at times I’m hopeless without it, desperately searching for something to keep me from ever being content. Sometimes I’m afraid of contentment, because I never want to stop looking for more.

My past week in particular was a lachrymose fairytale with me, the dubious heroine: it was both beautiful and utterly disastrous. I went from being miserable to giggling my face off and making the most of an awful weekend and having a huge fight with people I love. I attempted to see my dad, failed, tried again, failed. Made a similar attempt to see my grandfather, failed, gave up and resigned myself to the idea that hell, my family didn’t want me there in the first place. I sank into a friend’s couch, feeling both defeated and vindicated at the same time, because this was always the universe’s plan for me and I knew – I just knew that it would all fall apart. Woe is me, boo-hoo-hoo. New Year’s traditions and anything to do with my father are always a tragedy; to act as though this was all a great shock is misleading and selfish. I made a three hour drive to escape bad memories and ended up looking for more of them. Isn’t that the epitome of teen angst? And here I am, twenty five. I consider myself a generally happy person and it doesn’t take much to make me ecstatic, but I slip up from time to time. The past several months, it has been more like time to time to time, time, time.

To a great extent, we make our own happiness and create our own misery. I went and found the latter, but after renting a car and treading to my friend’s place, something (and someone) made me want to discard it for the former. So, we went to St. Augustine, because it was too cold for rides at Disney World.

St. Augustine: you, a friend and a pair of starlight glasses saved my weekend and gave me a bit of clarity. Maybe it was the haze from my teary swollen eyes but by golly, you felt like something out of a dream. A very chilly, very pretty, very welcome little dream. I might be feeling a little lost again and I’m positive it’s self-imposed…but dear, pretty, ghostly St. Augustine, I do love the way your lights danced and temporarily brought me out of the doldrums and halfway into the new year.

My original New Year’s resolution was to be a better person, whatever that means. With the way things have been going, I’m not sure if I’m there yet or will be there anytime soon. Instead, for right now, I intend to keep dreaming in the daylight and keeping calamity at bay. I need a little sunshine, a little clarity, a little bit of fantasy and a lot of love. Reality is obviously a little too mundane for me, which just sends me into disarray. I’ve always been a night owl – it’s when I feel most creative, most compelled to write, to love, to apologize and forgive. I just need to figure out how to keep that constant through my days, to keep my idle hands from starting fires just to entertain. I need adventure; I need to start living a little more. I need to be happier, always. For that, I think my dailies should at least resemble my nightly reverie. It isn’t as though my dreams are ever that unreasonable. I can’t decide if this is an achievable goal or if I am just kidding myself.

I’ve always believed that what the stars ignite, the sun will smother. Is it possible to keep on dreaming in the daylight, or should I just resign myself to sleep forever?

Whatever the right answer may be, I hope that my New Year starts tomorrow. I miss being little miss sunshine.

I've had a similar start to the year – eek, I'm 25 and where am I going, followed by fights and falling outs, then fabulous friends who flock round and you find yourself laughing your head off and thinking… woah, what was that about?

I can honestly say reading your blog brings lots of sunshine into my life, and you inspired me to start my own too. So although you feel like a wee raincloud at the minute, I'm sure you'll be shining again soon.

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I'm 25 as well so maybe its just a 25 year old thing?? Good ole crazy 25. What a silly thing.

Thank you so much for your wonderful post. It helps to know that I'm not the only one out there who's been feeling this way lately. You have a fabulous and beautiful blog that seems like reflection of a equally wonderful person. Hope you feel better soon.

Anonymous says: January 7, 201010:05 pm

what a beautifully written post. u def have a talent for writing and i love your blog. u have such an individual style which is why i keep returning again and again, although i never leave a comment! Keep your chin up and keep posting RUTH X

keiko, this is a beautifully written post despite the heartache and frustrations u have expressed here. i'm so sorry 2010 did not start out as happily as u would have liked it to be. just know that u are not alone in ur situation:) just keep ur chin up and surround urself with positivity even when u don't feel like it (which is so hard, i know:/).

i enjoy ur fashion posts, but i also love such personal ones like these:) hope u feel better soon!

I too have been feeling awfully strange on this new year, although I *have* been making bad decisions and letting my emotions get the better of me. It's so not like me. I feel like I can kind of relate to this post of yours. I hope things get sorted out for you, and that you find happiness around the bend! xo

second, i have that sort of thing with my dad, too. stinks. i went looking to heal some old wounds this Christmas, and just ended up receiving new ones. it's life, huh? messy, complicated, but beautiful.

I completely relate to this. I am so glad you can share your true feelings with us, and I definitely feel like getting things out in writing helps cleanse the soul. I too am hoping to do something better with myself this year, it is just so hard to get out of being stuck in a rut. My life feels endlessly boring. At least you manage to keep up an interesting and insightful blog, and also make lovely clothes! Maybe I'll get around to something like that this year

I rarely leave comments, though I check in here every day, but this post clearly called for a big hug and a response… I do think it is a 25 year old "crisis" that will ultimately result in positive growth. I went though it at that age, and probably will again at 50. Not to trivialize your own circumstances in any way, just to let you know it is something that will pass… Pain and enlightenment are often soulmates, especially for the reflective at heart. You are obviously a lovely, vibrant, and thoughtful person – my suggestion is: don't be so hard on yourself for being down and seeking the cracks in the pavement of life sometimes – it makes the happy times all the sweeter.

This was so terribly sad but beautifully written. It's was odd to read it, odd because a lot of it felt much too familiar. I started off the new year in the worst of ways: tears in my eyes, bitterness in my heart. This isn't about me, however.I truly hope you got that new beginning today. And if it didn't come, there is tomorrow. I don't know much of you but I've seen enough to be able to conclude that you are a little miss sunshine :). Keep your head up and always, always smile. Things will get better as long as you keep the positive attitude.

i firstly want to say that you are truly a talented writer. second, i do believe that it's a quarter life crisis period you are going through right now. i'm 26 and have been struggling through similar feelings for the past few months. i used to be the most positive happiest person around and i'm trying to find her again. when you're confused and really down, it's hard to feel positive but it's important to try. one day we will get there. it's all about personal growth and figuring out who what kind of person we want to become and the type of person we don't want to be. lots of love and big hugs,renee xo

The internet is a funny thing. We build up a community with people we've never met, and find partnerships and solace in those who have similar interests as us. Some could argue that it's losing the human touch (so to say), but I feel that your post was a sincere reach out to everyone else.

I don't mean to sound like a cliche, but I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But through every winter and storm, there's spring and happiness. I know I'm going into cheesy territory here, but bring on the gouda, because I hope you'll find your spring soon.

At this point, I'm risking sounding like a broken record. But I understand where your head is at, because mine is in the same place right now. But we can't always be little miss sunshine…sometimes we just like to feel misunderstood and angsty.

I feel for you, I am also another twenty-five year old "night owl" with issues with a crappy dad and whose struggle has gotten overwhelming.You can do this, things will always look differently tomorrow, or at least next week.

And if not, I just started reading a wonderful book called Steering By Starlight you might want to check it out :]The first exercise in the book really helped me feel my goals and not just intellectualize them, which has given me a renewed sense of hope.

Don't stop writing your personal experiences on your blog. I know people like me benefit a lot from the wisdom that others choose to write down. I'm sorry about your dad. I honestly hope things get better for you. If anything, I hope you can find happiness in the little things. That was my New Years resolution. Finding the most insignificant things to be happy about. Let's try to do this together, shall we?

I both admire and resent your writing ability. You are very good at articulating your feelings and you are always so clever…which i why I resent it..lol.

Whatever it is that holds you down don't feel bad about feeling down, it's part of who we are as humans, and part of the human emotions. I am down alot too..maybe its the winter…but soon enough time will heal all wounds and you can go back to being the version of yourself that you love.

I somehow completely understand how you feel. This New Years was the same for me as well…somehow I feel with each day I'm losing more of myself but am startled to realize that I've forgotten who I'm losing-if that masks any sense lol. You've inspired me to start a blog, to remember my words, my thoughts and those pieces of myself that I've "matured" enough to forget.

Just raise your head up high, swipe on some bold lip gloss and tell the world to fuck itself coz to be honest we can fuck ourselves better lmao – sorry, I tend to be a bit, mhm…opinionated. The world is ours if only we want to claim it, the same with who we are.

i think we all go through this. sorry things have been sucky/bumpy lately. i too want things to be more exciting in my life, but ughhh. it's just been a bit bland lately. hope you find what you're looking for.

i think it's really great of you to post such an honest, personal post. a lot of people can relate to what you're saying and it makes us realize that we're not alone. that we're not going crazy. it's amazing, really. to read through someone else's thoughts and think: they know exactly how i feel! that they go through such similar emotions. i keep a personal journal and many of my sentiments mirror those of which you related here. but your brevity to publicly display your feelings is very admirable. i recently started a blog, but haven't posted anything because i hadn't been taking photos. you're proof that words may connect us to others with more efficiency than a photograph.

i, myself, am 24, so it may just be an age thing. i'm also a virgo, but who knows if that has anything to do with it. also, i think it might have a lot to do with the times we're living in. there doesn't seem to be as much direction, or opportunity for our generation. though, i really couldn't say not having lived past generations…and of course, experiences we've never had are much more romantic than our own.

My dad once gave me really good advice. He said that we make ourselves miserable by expecting people to be other than what/who they are. For example, it would be stupid if a fish expected a bird to stop flying, or vice versa.

I know it's not groundbreaking, but I made a lot of peace with people thinking about things this way. Not that they don't understand me, but perhaps (sadly) they're just a different sort of species. For better or worst, they are who they are. Most importantly, it's good to know who you are and understand the things that you value and wish to perpetuate unto others.

In any case, and on a less serious note, I really enjoy your blog. You have a unique style.

Its your blog. You can talk about what you want, when you want. Don't feel as though we don't appreciate. I may not be able to speak for everyone, but I think the reason I love blogs is because you can catch a little glimpse into someone else's world. Their mind, thoughts, creativity, and emotions. I think it is great that you can open up to all of your blog friends. Thanks for being a real person, Keiko! I don't know you but I sense that you are a very good person. I hope things start to look up for you soon.

heart wrenchingly good…everyone I know is estranged from their father, I can only speak from the opposite side and say that my father was there and was very loving and I still ended up lost at 25 and wondering how the hell people do this?! I don't know if that makes you feel better but just know that it is the human condition to suffer, that is what it means to be human, to suffer and to hurt and to somehow wake up and still go to breakfast in the morning is the triumph, and you are the prize. Look inside deeply as I can see you do and find the thing that is truly you, this, little sunshine is the one thing that cannot be shat upon or ruined by anything in this mundane world!

xoxoxoxoxoxoooxooxo!

Anonymous says: January 8, 20109:14 pm

Around all of the more fashionable posts, I must admit, this is a breath of fresh air. Allowing your readers to see your not just the pretty girl that shows us her sense of style, that you are really just like us. Although a bit dismal, this post was probably my favorite so far— only because now I feel on a level in which I can relate– and not just envious! haha Just don't overwhelm yourself

Hello Keiko,I've never commented before but this post was incredible. It made me cry, maybe just because i feel lost too. It is not so bad, but it is incredibly frustrating. I hope your tomorrow starts the way you so badly want it to.Love Hannah x

Your honesty is very refreshing and beautifully human. I to have issues with my father as I think many women do. I have also been to St. Augustine and thought it was so charming and magical. I send you the best miss Keiko, you are a lovely, talented and blessed woman and I know you will manifest your own happiness.

You are so honest, I know I've said it beofre but it is refreshing to see this real side in the blogging world where we all put on airs that it's all good (as I tend to do as well). I think ti is so so normal to feel this way sometimes and I hope as I type this you are already feeling better. Happy New Year (now) to you.

Such a well-written and honest post. It speaks to what so many people are going through. I will say, great idea to escape to St. Augustine; that place can cure a lot of problems by its beauty alone(it's where I went to college)!

Hang in there Keiko. I hope you feel comfort in knowing you are not alone, and these feelings will pass, and you will come out ahead, and that so many, including myself, find you lovely and inspiring and hope nothing but the best for you.

I believe that part of reality is having to go through roller-coasters. But difficult times can make you stronger and more tolerant. I have my down days as well and I try to get out of my funk by telling myself that things can be worse than it is and I go out for a walk in the city and draw inspiration from the beautiful surrounding. Hope you find your way and shoot me an e-mail when you get back.

Reading your beautifully written post and the subsequent responses, I see I am not the only one stuck in this weird lackadaisical haze.

I really like your tradition of starting the year when you are good and ready. Perhaps we should all just deny that the year has started yet and then have big parties once we decide the year has caught up with us.

It's amazing to see all the support you have and I'm with them too. I wish you all the best in 2010, whatever it may hold. I have just started blogging and find it sometimes crazy. Sometimes I don't feel like I want to portray the happy me. But it'll all work out in the end.

Keiko, you are absolutely wonderful and I am sorry you are going through all of this mess. Sometimes, no matter how much we love a person, that person just won't care about us as much as we want them to and will disregard us. This is even more troublesome and heartbreaking when it's your parent. It starts becoming a never ending task to get their approval, or at least acknowledgment. Just remember you have great people in your life who love you for exactly who you are.

My heart pours out for you right now. I think there's a time in everyone's life where you feel alone and without direction. It's a sad place to be, but when I was in a deep depression I talked to someone about it and they told me to basically snap out of it and start thinking positively about the future. It's almost like you have to make up your mind to not be 'woe is me' and basically keep yourself busy amongst friends.

You will be little miss sunshine soon! You have a great support system on your site-which is fabulous by the way!

I've been reading your blog for a little over a year now, back when you're website was just a spot on a fashion blog, your stuff popping out as completely original from everyone else's. Anyway, I've always sort of looked at your blog and yourself as someone who has the perfect life. You're gorgeous, have a gorgeous and fantastic boyfriend, you live in fabulous places, have a fabulous family, and make fantastic clothing for a living. I mean, this is the "you" you show to the world through your blog, at least. Sometimes I look at your blog very jealously – as a 25 year old to look up to, to envy, a goal to reach.

As for me, I'm 23. I graduated in '08 with a degree in International Studies because I wanted to travel. I guess to other people, I have the life too – I have a fantastic boyfriend and family, I lived in LA until a week ago where I moved closer to the beach, I work some odd and romantic jobs (at a cupcake bakery, then a French gourmet cafe), take trains everywhere. When I think of those things, I think "I have the dream life too." And yet I also have those days where just feel so lost. And those days start to take over the good ones, and before you know it you're in a downward spiral of "what am I doing with my life." I used to be so positive and bubbly and optimistic but now it just doesn't seem realistic or natural at all.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone in this feeling. I think it's a shame that everyone does all of this work to make it seem like they are having a perfect life but in actuality are experiencing a lot of misery and suffering. All I can say is be yourself because everyone seems to like when you're yourself. Even when you feel like everything is falling apart, no one will blame you for your bad days.

Here's to cheering us on

Sara Marie says: January 12, 20106:46 am

I re-stumbled on your blog, and reading this post, it seems as though you were writing where I'm coming from. I'm 25 too, and things have not seemed right since my birthday, yet at the same time I can't complain that it's all bad. And I'm glad that you have the solace of friends, which is something I wish I had. All the best to you

Anonymous says: January 12, 20104:38 pm

I heard this on a Sugarland song this morning and thought of you, and I believe it is true: Some people believe in Destiny / Some people believe in Fate / I believe that Happiness is something you create.

You're not alone on this, I did feel something like that when I was 25 and now with 27 I find myself looking over my sholder and thinking about what's behind and not what's ahead of me. Why do I keep spending so much time looking at the past? Maybe because that's where my family is, now I don't know where that concept went. Other things I relate to this dizziness and feeling I'm lost: where the hell my professional future is going? I should be liking the master degree I'm taking, loving to learn about animation and 3D, but instead I feel tired in both ways and then I ask myself: If you really are interested in this area you should never be tired of it, right or wrong?… Well, ups, maybe I exaggerated on this comment but I feel better now that I got this off my chest. 😛 Hey! If you're like me, you'll feel miserable now, but sleep over it and you'll feel pretty much better.

whoa! that was one hell of an honest post…ok, so lets be honest here…i've been noticing that your last buncha posts, you were faking a smile! you didn't seem your silly self…i was hoping it was just a funk…but this post proves that you are a human being…full of doubt and lacking direction…like most of us…here's the scary part….i've been floating around much like yourself…but i'm 34! i found you through the modcloth website earlier last year and it changed my life….how odd is that? can you actually say a fashion blogger saved a life? by blogging? i'm not sure if thats accurate, but its true. i discovered fashion bloggers through you. your list of other bloggers became my list of people to check out. i laughed with your posts and marveled at your lovely fashions and your creativity. i am a mom of a 2 yr old and was on the brink of not caring about stuff like fashion any more. basically i was on the cusp of falling head long into…i'm old's-ville.your brightness inspired me.understand this, your readers need you…for whatever reason…(different for everyone)…if that alone gives you some hope or direction…i'll be happy.just take some time to find the lightness in your world again…and maybe some vitamin d….SAD gets me this time of year too…there are many a day i hate being a canadian in the winter time.for now…dream about the up-coming spring time!!! summer dresses and fun…keep your chin up keiko darling…its such a pretty chin…LP(aka city_n_country on chictopia)

If there is any place in the world to reflect upon your life it is St. Augustine. My husband and I honeymooned there in 2008 and I have pined for it ever since. I named My daughter Olivia Augustine Elise after the beauty and magic of the city. I really hope we can move there someday! Now, we live in St Louis and the only water we have is the muddy Mississippi…yuck! You are 100% correct about your feeling of being 25. I'll be 25 this year too…its scarily close to 30 and you start thinking about what you have done so far, what you would have done differently and what you need to do. Don't worry, darlin'. Spring will be here soon and the world will light up and inspire you again. If all else, a trip back to St. Augustine in warmer months will brighten your spirit! Good luck!http://vavoomvintage.blogspot.com/

It's definitely a 25 year old thing. I feel so much like I'm wandering and searching in my mind for where I'm supposed to go and what I should do to take my life in the direction I want it to go in. If only I knew what I wanted! We will all get there.

My husband and I have always wanted to go to St. Augustine after seeing the amazingly creepy striped lighthouse on Ghost Hunters.

Saraka says: December 12, 20105:48 am

Dear god, this post sounds like a page from my mental diary…and I turned 21 two months ago. D: