Agony Ibis – INTERNET Issue

I find myself in an ethical quandary. My employees have come to expect beanbags, gourmet lunches provided five days a week, bicycles and an office so extensive it’s a “campus”. This shit ain’t cheap. To bankroll these perks and keep the IT hipsters from turning against us and hacking the shit out of our systems, I relocated the company headquarters to Ireland for … reasons (although most of our operations are still run out of the US). It seems the luck of the Irish is beginning to run out as folks are starting to realise I am paying about the same amount of tax as an accountant with several negatively geared properties. With the new financial year in full swing, I need to find a new tax minimisation strategy. Any hot tips?

Kind regards,

Google

Dear Google,

Thank you for getting in touch. I can sympathise with your position. Why should a company that earns billions of dollars per year mining our data have to contribute to the roads, schools and hospitals its employees rely upon?! An outrageous proposition.

When faced with such a doozy of a problem, I like to look to other, more established players for inspiration. The perfect example here is the Catholic Church. Despite being the world’s richest organisation, they pay no tax and have even established their own country! Genius!

Start with the formalities: register as a religion (while you’re at it, you’d better employ some paedophiles to rack up some child sex crimes so that it all looks legit. Send your recruiters to the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse – you’ll be overwhelmed by the number of experienced candidates), turf any women you may have foolishly put in leadership positions, turn your San Fran “campus” into your own city-state (I like the sound of The Googlecan myself) and you’ll be well on your way to a tax-free life.

Just one favour though: in exchange for this expert taxation advice, could you be a dear and remove all references to “bin chickens” from the Internet please?