Emotional Seatbelts

On the road of life, don't become a crash test dummy.

"Please put on your seat belts kids," I said to my five-year-old daughter and her friend. "We have to hurry up and get going." It was a standard directive from an adult to a child and I had every expectation of immediate compliance.

"I don't want to wear a seatbelt," the friend said.

I hadn't eaten anything all day. I hadn't slept more than a few hours the night before, it was boiling hot out and I was running very, very late. I loosened my collar. This was not supposed to be happening now.

"It's very dangerous," I said with as much calm as I could muster. "If we have to stop short, you could God forbid go flying. Now please put on your seat belt."

She looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "If we stop short, I'll just hold on to the seat."

An ingenious sidestep on her part but I wasn't in the mood for mental jousting. I could hear the clock ticking in my ears.

"Well what if we're going very fast?" I exclaimed. "Whadareyougonnadothen, hunh??"

Why I wasn't listening to the little voice in my head that kept telling me to stop arguing with a five-year-old I'm not sure, but she certainly wasn't about to be the mature one to gracefully bow out of the conflict.

"Well if we're going faster," she said, "I'll just hold on tighter!" Then she stuck her tongue out at me.

I raised my voice to its meanest, most domineering decibel and invoked the "You get your seatbelt on right this instant young lady," clause.

Well that was it. The cool was officially lost. Without any consideration for the long-term consequences of my actions, I raised my voice to its meanest, most domineering decibel and invoked the "You-get-your-seatbelt-on-right-this-instant-young-lady" clause of the adult's unwritten guidebook to demeaning childish behavior.

It worked, sort of. But I knew it was bad. The Torah says we're not supposed to get angry. It's like idol worship. Yet I had completely lost my cool. I felt... well, like a big dummy.

It wasn't until that night while I was mentally reviewing the day's events that I realized how the entire episode provided a wonderful lesson on the subject of anger management.

Like everyone else on earth, this had not been the first time in my life that I had felt or expressed anger. I thought back to the High Holidays. During those solemn moments of introspection, I had felt genuine regret and committed to work harder at controlling my anger. At the time I thought I had done teshuva (repentance) and that the book was officially closed on my past mistakes.

"Think again, buddy," reality had said to me today. And so thinking again is exactly what I did.

Just deciding to try harder to control my anger was exactly like what my daughter's friend had said to me: "If we're going faster, then I'll just hold on tighter!"

When you are going at top speed towards what you desire and reality is standing like a brick wall in your way, it is simply not enough to say, "Well I'll just hold on real tight and I won't fly through the windshield!" Logically we know it doesn't work like that. What this particular situation requires instead is forethought -- the invention of the emotional seatbelt which will help keep us safe on the spiritual highway of life.

With that new awareness in mind, I mentally reviewed the incident. It occurred to me that there had been several factors contributing to my irritation. I had been tired, hungry, hot, in a terrible rush, and caught completely by surprise (recall that I had had "every expectation of immediate compliance"). True these factors are often unavoidable, but not always. I decided that a little thought before what I can reasonably anticipate to be a tense situation might go a long way. It wasn't a foolproof solution, but then the seatbelt is also not foolproof. Still, it has saved countless lives.

My newfound insight was soon put to the test. Several days later I needed to drive the very same daughter and the very same friend to the very same place at the very same time of day. This time I decided I would be very well prepared to handle it.

Like a warrior girding himself for battle, I geared myself up for the inevitable showdown. I slept eight hours the night before. I ate a full meal and, just in case, put a snack in each pocket. I carried a portable fan with me, rehearsed what might happen in my mind and made sure to leave at least ten minutes early.

Then the moment of truth came. Calmly I ushered my daughter and her friend into the car. Calmly I sat down in the driver's seat and cranked up the A/C. Calmly I looked back and asked my daughter and her friend if they would be so kind as to please put on their seatbelts.

"Sure Mr. Magram," the friend said, smiling as she clicked the seatbelt closed. "You see I've been thinking and, well -- I think you're right about this seatbelt stuff."

About the Author

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Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
Lisa,
May 5, 2013 9:36 PM

Being prepared

We all lose our cool.....the 2nd time around this Dad was so prepared , physicaly & mentally! Thank GD for 2nd chances!!

(2)
Sarah,
November 12, 2007 11:57 AM

Tests come in many ways...

Well, Hashem saw that you had learned your lesson, and so there was no need to test you again...

(1)
Eric Jacobson,
November 11, 2007 2:29 PM

??!!

How is it possible that every time I've caused myself to get into a pickle, Aish.com shows up with an insight provided by some Jew, somewhere, that hits me full on from every angle? Truly, the God that creates everything has chosen this people to light up the world. If for nothing else than for little me, please never give in to the ways of the nations! To what people could I then turn for practicality in this crazy thing called "Life"? May your God bless you and keep you and multiply you forever. Todah rabah.

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I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!