Artists Announce They've Found All The Beauty They Can In Urban Decay

Recent News

SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby.

UPPER DARBY, PA—In a shameless attempt to persuade colleagues to excuse her incompetent mistake, local account supervisor Casey Collins, who forgot to include an email attachment earlier today, apparently expected her coworkers to forgive her just like that, shocked sources confirmed.

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

ROCKVILLE, MD—Explaining that most young people mistakenly believe the popular drug to be safe for recreational use, officials from the National Institute on Drug Abuse unveiled a new anti-MDMA campaign Friday warning teens about the dangers of feeling deep emotional connections to others.

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Artists Announce They've Found All The Beauty They Can In Urban Decay

DETROIT—After spending more than a century exploiting urban decay to create deeply moving, socially conscious works of art, the art world announced Tuesday that it had captured all the beauty it was going to find in rusted-out cars, abandoned houses, and condemned industrial sites. "These modern ruins speak to the very heart of the human condition, but at this point every last inch of Detroit and Oakland has been documented in photographs, on film, or as part of a multimedia installation," said artist Devon Gerhart, who told reporters that devoting so much time to contemplating the wounded grandeur of blighted cityscapes had led him to the point where he just wanted to see the places cleaned up. "I made my career portraying the plight of the homeless, but now I'm starting to wonder whether they'd prefer it if someone just helped them find a place to live." The world's artists later confirmed plans to spend at least another 50 years churning out heavy-handed depictions of the inherent soullessness of suburban sprawl.