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8 p.m.
Welcome to the Big Brother live blog! We’ve got local girl Amanda Zuckerman of Boca! We’ve got a new way for America to vote! We’ve got screaming and jumping and vying for cash! We got fun and games! But not Axl Rose!

So there’s a Texas girl whose name I didn’t catch, a skinny Peter Parker look-alike, a political campaign planning mom, a bearded dude from Arkansas, some annoying guy who likes touching his own butt because he’s hot or something…

Bored. Where’s our girl?

Yuck. Rachel’s sister. You remember annoying Rachel and her captive fiancee Brendan? Well like the Hantzes before them, CBS has decided that if one awful person won’t kill your will to live, find their whole family.

Here’s a pageant coordinator and a guy who says he has the eye of the tiger. OK, fake Rocky.

Here she is!!! She’s gorgeous, finding her key in a couch of a house she’s showing. Go Amanda! She “knows what she wants and I get what I want when I want it,” she says. She could be trouble. I LOVE HER.
8:13 p.m.
A girl whose name I don’t know yet wants an All Girl Alliance. I don’t see this going well.

Amanda is in the last group to come into the house, and she’s gonna get stuck in a bad room. David the lifeguard has pretty hair. He’s the one with the abs.

Already there is some cattiness. It seems kinda put-on to me.

The best intro ever…”My name is David, I’m a beach lifeguard, and…yeah.”

He needs a publicist.

8:22 p.m.
I love that McCrae is a pizza boy but everyone thinks he’s fronting and is really a mad genius. People overthink this stuff, and it’ll be hilarious when he starts handing out Domino’s coupons.

8:27 p.m.
We just found out that there are three names being offered for elimination every week instead of two. The Head of Household still gets to nominate two people – Julie “My Husband Says I’m Awesome” Chen hints that there’s a twist as to where the other name comes from. I think it’s America. America! USA! USA! USA!
Use that freedom to vote the bad people out! It’s in the Constitution somewhere!

8:36 p.m.
Amanda just fell off the giant popsicle. Oh well. Apparently one of the guys has already figured out that the one girl is Rachel’s sister. Get rid of her. Please.

There is a giant tongue licking at the people holding onto the popsicles. That is gross. But for $500,000 I would grin and bear it, as perverted as that sounds. This is a ridiculous show. You were gonna get slapped around by something gross, right?

Yes, that is a giant 'tongue' licking contestant Kaitlin, who's riding a giant 'popsicle'. This IS 'Big Brother' after all.

8:32 p.m.
My cat is glaring at me. She doesn’t appreciate me saying bad things about Brenchel. Whatever, cat. Get your own blog. And a job.

The first stupid competition is upon is!! They are climbing giant popsicles and hanging onto them. This is some dastardly mind of Chuck E. Cheese stuff.

8:42 p.m.
“That’s Erin, off the popsicle!” Doesn’t that sound like “popsicle” is a euphemism for drug use? “She’s off the sauce. Off the stuff. Off that popsicle.” Grape is the WORST.

Jeremy is not guaranteed to never have to eat slop or sleep in a bad bed. He looks like the werewolves in “Twilight” which is to say he’s cute but too young for me to care.

McCrae the pizza boy genius is now the HoH! This is delicious! Like pizza! May the meaningless bribes begin!

8:51 p.m.
Chen reveals that someone in the room will pick the third elimination candidate. The person voted best player will be MVP, and that person will be picking a third person for splitsville. There’s gonna be some sucking up.

I love this show.

8:54 p.m.
Apparently if you go to CBS.com, you can see the live feed. I’m willing to do it for you, because that’s how much I love you. Also. I am being paid to do it.

What did you think?

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