“We are a normal corporate board in every regard. Well, we do sometimes throw these parties featuring the most amazing ice sculptures. I mean, these things are fuckin’ masterpieces that make Michelangelo’s David look like a gray turd shat out by someone with colon cancer. This is off the record, but the only reason we require students on financial aid to work is so that we can commission these ridiculously elaborate ice sculptures. Then we make them watch as their handiwork melts over the course of several hours. Again, this is off the record.”

Kevin Patrick Ryan

*chuckles sinisterly*

Peter Salovey

“Your mom! Haha, bazinga!”

Annette Thomas

“Look, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but we’ve actually planned out when and how every current Yale student will die. Like, I could pull up your file right now and describe to you the exact circumstances under which you shall draw your last breath.”