The Secret to Sex in Middle Age

“So, you work today, right?” Bob will ask on some random day when I’ve never worked. It’s like he’s trying to stay active and involved, but the neurons aren’t there. So to weave random acts of niceness into his behavior at this point is probably wasted effort. I beseech the younger women, then, to stop “hinting” at stuff and be really direct while you still can make eye contact with your man without him falling asleep. Remember how Helen Keller used to “talk” by sort of slapping words into her teacher’s hand? Try that occasionally, because I think speaking alone often isn’t enough. Whatever you do, ignore the advice of marriage counselors. They’ll tell you to try and “communicate” openly and lovingly. That’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Write a sign that says: PLEASE DO THE DISHES AND THEN YOU WILL GET LAID. This makes much more sense than “I feel” statements and “loving paraphrase.”

I guess this whole being nice thing can apply to both genders, right? What’s hotter than folded laundry or a full tank of gas? What if I made that odious phone call to the insurance company without complaint? Better than big boobs. And you want to really turn your partner on using your mouth? Say: “thanks for doing that.” Nothing, NOTHING, is sexier than gratitude. Hmmm. Kindness as foreplay. Who woulda thunk it?