If you’re not doing something exactly by the book, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing as a parent, even if you know in your heart that you’re doing the best for you and your baby.

But are we shooting ourselves in the foot if we don't always tell the truth about it? One mum says it's time we recognised guidelines for being just that - guidelines - and took back some confidence in our decision making powers as mothers ...

According to a recent survey, we lie about how we parent – at least in the case of co-sleeping.

The research by Gentle Parenting found that almost half of all parents who share a bed with their baby haven’t admitted it to their midwife, health visitor or GP.

Your browser cannot play this video.

Rule-bound parenting

It’s a sad state of affairs, but in this culture, where parenting is constantly under scrutiny, it’s not surprising that when we deviate from the guidelines, we’re ashamed to admit it to our health professionals.

For all that we’re told that we should trust our instincts, never has parenting been so bound by rules and regulations. And it doesn’t stop with co-sleeping.

‘Oh yes, I’m still breastfeeding,’ we say, hoping the health visitor doesn’t spot the box of formula in the kitchen cupboard. Or we keep quiet about the fact that we’ve started weaning because our babies haven’t reached six months, even though they’re so much happier now they’re on solids.

Only recently, it emerged that a dad was one of over 500 people arrested in 2014-2015 for leaving children unattended. He’d left his two-year-old alone in the car for five minutes while he popped into a pharmacy.

We’re even afraid to admit that we’re finding motherhood hard. How many of us suffer in silence with postnatal depression, scared to get help in case we’re seen as unable to cope?

The fear factor

The truth is that when you’re raising a child, confessing that you’re not following the letter of the law leaves us feeling vulnerable.

We’re scared that if we tell our health visitor that we’re co-sleeping, or not breastfeeding, or feeling like we’re not coping, we’ll leave ourselves wide open to their judgement.

And it’s not just a telling-off that we’re worried about. We’re afraid that if we admit that we’re ‘breaking the rules,’ we’ll be referred to social services – so afraid that many mums don’t even tell their own relatives the truth.

The pressure from other mums doesn’t help, either. Even if you’ve thought long and hard about the decision to move on to formula and decided that it’s the best thing for you and your baby, all it takes is a pro-breastfeeding rant on Facebook to make you feel like a guilt-ridden failure.

We could stand up for ourselves and other mums in the same position, and face a public flogging – or we can just stay quiet and try not to attract attention.

Missing out on support

Okay, so guidelines are there for a reason, but when they seem so strict that we’re ashamed, embarrassed or just too damned scared to admit that we’re not following them, they can be more of a hindrance to our parenting than a help.

In the maelstrom of guilt and shame, what's often forogotten or overlooked is that health professionals are actually there to help us negotiate the minefield that is motherhood.

When we can’t speak out about what we’re really doing, we’re depriving ourselves of vital, and much-needed, support.

In some cases, this could actually be compromising our babies’ safety. Co-sleeping can be done more safely if advice is followed (for example, not using duvets and pillows, and never co-sleeping under the influence of alcohol or drugs).

Likewise, healthy formula feeding depends on you knowing how to sterilise and prepare bottles correctly.

If we can’t admit to our health professionals that we’re doing these things, we're missing out on important – and potentially life-saving – advice.

Making the change

The question is, how can we break this culture of secrecy and be more open about our parenting choices?

Well, we can start by recognising that guidelines are just guidelines – not rules.

For example, although the official government advice says that there’s an increased risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) if you co-sleep, it doesn’t say that we shouldn’t bed-share.

Likewise, the NHS says babies should start solids at ‘around’ six months – but that we can check with our health visitor or GP if we want to start sooner.

Some health professionals can be more rigid than others in interpreting the guidelines, but we need to remember that we do have a choice, and shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for exercising it.

We also need to have the confidence to stand up for our decisions in front of not only health professionals, but also our family, friends and other parents.

After all, whatever we’re doing, we’re doing it because it feels right – whether it’s co-sleeping or separate cots, breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, or weaning before we’re advised to.

Most importantly, though, we need to remember what mothers have been told across the generations: to trust our instincts.

Because health professionals may know the rules, but when it comes to your baby, no one knows better than you.