There is no frame of reference for what it is like to
be in a normal household. You also have no frame of reference for what
is O.K. to say and feel. In a more typical situation, one does not have
to walk on eggs all the time. Because you did, you became confused.
Many things from the past contributed to your having to guess at what
normal is.

2. ADULT CHILDREN HAVE DIFFICULTY IN FOLLOWING
A PROJECT THROUGH FROM BEGINNING TO END

In a functional family, the child has this behaviour and
attitude to model. The child observes the process and the child may even
ask questions along the way. The learning may be more indirect than
direct, but it is present. Since your experience was so vastly
different, it should be no surprise that you have a problem with
following a project through from beginning to end.

Lying is basic to the family system affected by alcohol.
It masquerades in part as an overt denial of unpleasant realities, cover
ups, broken promises and inconsistencies. Lying as the norm in your house
became part of what you knew and what could be useful to you. At times,
it made life much more comfortable. If you lied about getting your work
done, you could get away with being lazy for a while. It
seemed to make life simpler for everybody.

Your judgement of others is not nearly as harsh as your
judgement of yourself, although it is hard for you to see other peoples
behaviour in terms of a continuum either. Black and white, good or bad,
are typically the way you look at things. You know what it feels like to
be bad, and how those feeling make you behave. And then if you are good
there is always the risk that it won't last. So either way you set
yourself up.

5. ADULT CHILDREN HAVE DIFFICULTY HAVING
FUN
6. ADULT CHILDREN TAKE THEMSELVES VERY SERIOUSLY

These two characteristics are closely linked.
You didnt hear your parents laughing and joking and fooling
around. Life was a very serious, angry business. The tone in your house
put a damper on your fun. Eventually, you just went along with everybody
else. Having fun just was not fun. The spontaneous child within was quashed.

The feelings of being insecure or having difficulty in
trusting, and of questions about whether or not you are going to get hurt
are not exclusive to adult children. These are problems most people have.
It is simply a matter of degree, your being a child of an alcoholic
caused the ordinary difficulties to become more severe.

8. ADULT CHILDREN OVER-REACT TO CHANGES
OVER WHICH THEY HAVE NO CONTROL

The young child of an alcoholic was not in control. The
alcoholicss life was inflicted on him/her, as was his/her environment.
In order to survive when growing up, he/she needed to turn that around.
He/she needed to begin taking charge of his/her environment. This became
important and remains so. The child of the alcoholic learns to trust
him/herself more than anyone else when it is impossible to rely
on someone elses judgement.

The message you got as a child was very confused. It was
not unconditional love. The definitions were not clear and the messages
were mixed. Yes, no, I love you, go away. So you grew
up with some confusion about yourself. The affirmations you did not get
on a day-to-day basis as a child, you interpret as negative.

Feeling different is something you have had with you since
childhood, and even if the circumstance does not warrant it, the feeling
prevails. Other children have had the opportunity to be children. You did
not. You were very much concerned with what was going on at home. You could
never be completely comfortable playing with other children. You could
not be fully there. Your concerns about your home problems clouded
everything else in your life.

11. ADULT CHILDREN ARE EITHER SUPER RESPONSIBLE
OR SUPER IRRESPONSIBLE

Either you take it all on or you give it all up. There
is no middle ground. You tried to please your parents, doing more and more,
or you reached the point where you recognized it did not matter, so you
did nothing.

12. ADULT CHILDREN ARE EXTREMELY LOYAL,
EVEN IN THE FACE OF EVIDENCE THAT THE LOYALTY IS UNDESERVED

The alcoholic home appears to be a very loyal place. Family
members hang in long after reasons dictate that they should leave. The
so-called loyalty is more the result of fear and insecurity
than anything else, nevertheless, the behaviour that is modeled is one
where no one walks away just because the going gets rough. This sense
enables the adult child to remain in involvements that are better
dissolved.

They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without
giving serious consideration to alternative behaviours or possible
consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and
loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an
excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.