A Letter To My Daughter About Becoming A Big Sister

Monday, 30 January 2017

Little E,

The past few months have been tough for you, while I have
watched your excitement grow as you learn more about your baby sissy. There are
a few things I want you to know, I’m sorry I haven’t been the best mama I could
be. I know you don’t really understand why mama is so poorly, or why I can’t
play with you as much as I want to, but know if I could I would. While I know
giving you a sibling to grow up with is one of the greatest things me and your
daddy could give you. It’s been hard, and quite honestly if I knew I would
suffer this much with the sickness, or just how much it would disrupt our
normal routine. I would have perhaps delayed it. Even though we planned this, I
didn’t think it would be this hard, and I feel so guilty for being so poorly.

I’m sorry the HG has disrupted our routine, and our normal
day to day life. I felt like I was given this impossible choice; to be a mama
to the baby growing inside me, or be a mama to the baby outside of me. I wanted
to be the best mama I could be to both of you, so that has meant sometimes I’ve
left you to play with daddy while I went to sleep. I didn’t want to but it is
just so exhausting being sick all the time. I have come to learn that the
feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness are part of the sickness. Also, the
depression that comes with Hyperemesis. It doesn’t mean I haven’t gotten mad at
myself, thinking ‘Why can’t I just push through this? What little moments am I
missing with Emily today? How will I overcome the feeling of guilt, if this
baby is unhealthy because I can’t give her what she needs’. The thoughts just
swirl, I must constantly remind myself that this is temporary, and that I can
find small little things to do with you during the day that won’t make me so
sick.

I feel guilty that you have learned to rub my back while I
am being sick. Even though I know you are just copying your daddy.

I feel guilty that you reassure me and tell me ‘it is ok’.
You are only two years old, it should be me telling you it is ok, I am your
mama, it is my job to look after you.

I feel guilty that you get me tissues, but at the same time,
I feel immense pride that you care enough to do that for me.

I didn’t know I would feel immediate guilt as soon as I
found out I was pregnant. The idea of you having to share me breaks my heart. I
have loved every moment of these past two years, being just you and I, and I
know it will be a massive adjustment for us both. You have taught me so much,
how to love, and how to conquer my fears. Most of all you have taught me the
true meaning of happiness. For two years, you have been my little shadow, my
shopping buddy, my partner in crime and most of all my best friend. I know in
my heart that none of that is going to change, but I am just finding the
adjustment hard, and I wonder how it will affect you. I want you to know that I
will make the effort to take time away from your baby sissy, to do just things just you and I.

I’m worried that the dark days I once felt will come back. I
don’t want to be a sad mama again. It has taken so long to get to a positive
place, a place where I feel like I can be the best mama to you. I want to carry
on being the one who tells you everything will be ok, and believing my own
words. For so long a dark cloud not only followed me around, but tainted
everything. I worked so hard to get to this positive place. A place where I am
happier, and I am so terrified of starting over. I have always tried so hard to
shield you from my depression as I never wanted to imprint my behaviours onto
you, and I am proud to say that I don’t think I have. This time though, your
older, you notice more things than I take into consideration and that terrifies
me too. I love that you’re so happy, and confident. I don’t want you to pick up
anxious behaviours from me.

I am worried that you will think that you are being
replaced. I never ever want you to feel that. I couldn’t love you anymore if I
tried, and I know my love will only grow. I’ll be able to love both of you
equally, but know that you will always be my baby too. Just because your
becoming a big sister doesn’t mean that I love you any less, or you must act
more grown up. You don’t.

I’m worried that things will change. I feel like we have
just started to get out of the baby stage, and we are having more fun as a
family. Life has found its balance, and I’m scared that the shift in it is
going to change everything. Having two children is terrifying. At the moment,
if you and I want to do something, then no problem we can. If we want to play
with the sand, or paint, there is no other person to consider. We can just do
it. That is all going to change, and while I know it will be double the fun,
the adjustment period is the one I am worried about the most.

I guess I just want you to know, I love you. That you will
never be second best, and while you are going to have to get used to there
being another baby around, it won’t always be chaotic as I foresee the new-born
days to be. I guess I needed to say this just as much for me as I do for you.

You will always be my best friend.

I love you, Mama. X

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5 comments

I could totally relate to this when I was pregnant with my second. I was petrified and couldn't enjoy my second pregnancy much because I felt so guilty. I think it's quite common feeling this way. I did fall into depression but that doesn't mean you will again lovely. I am here whenever you need a chat. Honestly. Anytime. <3 Emily is going to be a fantastic big sister. I love that photo of her - so adorable. I am hoping you won't go to that dark place again lovely. Crossing my fingers and thinking of you. But this guilt will go. <3 Honest <3 xx

You are doing great mumma. The HG will go and you will find a new pace with your little family. It is harder with 2, but there are so many lovely things too. My girls love each other so much it makes my heart hurt. #WhatMyKidDid

Ahhh bless you lovely, I can so relate. I suffered with HG through my first two pregnancies, and the guilt I felt the second time around at the impact it had on what I could do with my eldest was just awful - worse than the HG itself infact. But we're 2 years on now, and honestly - it's a distant memory. He never mentions any of it, our relationship hasn't changed and he's still my best friend...his brother just sort of slotted in and now theres just the added benefit of a playmate! You will feel awful right now but it will all be worth it in the end. Also, after 2 HG pregnancies I was shocked to find that my last (third) pregnancy was completely sickness free!!! Thanks for joining us at #sundaybest, hope to see you again tomorrow x

I'm Steph, 20-something year old Mama to Emily (3years) and Isabelle (6Months). You can expect all things parenting, with a little bit of baking, crafting and sensory play thrown in for extra measure. Join us on our adventures.