Blog by Lucy Courtenay

Deep Sea Racing Mullets a go-go

I am enchanted by the random brilliance of those heat-seeking missiles of the web, those vehicles the apparent size of Mars that pluck stuff from the ether at the press of a button and deliver it to a screen near you: SEARCH ENGINES.

Let’s take some examples from the rich tapestry of search terms directing folks to phraseandfable, shall we?

No one said it was supposed to be an OXYGEN mask

BREATHLESS BANQUET MASK

This delicious collision of words conjures something fabulous and possibly Venetian. But why would someone type it in? Are they actually going to a breathless banquet and urgently in need of facial equipment? Is it a quote? Has Fifty Shades of Grey met Casanova on the information highway? And what on earth has it got to do with my ramblings here on phraseandfable?

SPELLING GLOVE

Spinal Tap instantly springs to mind, but their album was of course Smell the Glove, which is quite a different matter. ‘Spelling glove’ is therefore a WikiLeak. The government is investing billions in the secret development of special finger hats that will allow civil servants to spell liaison correctly! Will it ultimately be rolled out to schools? I shall be looking at the Queen’s white silk gloves in an entirely new light. “One shall now spell… diarrhoea.”

I’m a kighnt. A nikght. A knitgh. A guy with a sword.

MEN’S FRENCH GAUNTLETS

This has some connection with my blog entry of 23 February 2012, but it’s tentative to say the least. Men’s French gauntlets. Ooh. Slinky chain mail, obtained on the Rue Saint-Honoré, the accessoires du jour. Do they come with a sword? Must one be called Jean, or Pierre, or indeed Jean-Pierre, in order to carry them off? Is this searcher in cahoots with the spelling glove enthusiast?

TAKING SPINACH ISLAM DREAM

I can actually make sense of this one. Strange but true (see 18 April 2012). But I do still wonder at the combination. Has the consumption of iron-rich comestibles been proved to conjure religious ecstasy while napping?

Fetch me a snorkel and I’m yours, babe

HEAD LIKE A DEEP SEA RACING MULLET

This is unquestionably my favourite in an I’ve-eaten-too-much-cheese kind of way. Is having a head like a deep sea racing mullet an advantage? Is it an Olympic 100m Butterfly tactic? Does it have anything to do with hairstyles? Or are there simply squadrons of hi-spec fish belting around the Atlantic with John West sponsorship tattooed on their fins?

Good. I’m done. I can now rest easy in the knowledge that should these terms ever be typed into a search engine again, the result will be 100% accurate.

The great joy is that we shall NEVER KNOW the logic behind the random. Only the search engines know this, and they are, for once, keeping schtum on the subject. So all you bloodhounds out there, looking for jobs? Get back to your Bonios. Search engines have it covered.