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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Just A Kiss

Hello!
Yet again haven't written in ages. I find it really hard to write when I'm not straight out pouring the words out of my finger tips to you. I need a little bit of inspiration, and I keep asking for it, hoping it will come.
Well, my inspiration has arrived in Roni J.'s wacko town. Am I happy about it? Can't say I am.
I feel rejected. It took me a whole lot of time to admit it, but it's not my heart that's hurting, it's my dear ego and pride.

Being as competitive as I am has it's perks. You always demand more of yourself and therefore achieve higher goals as you go along.
Other than that most is crap. People hate competitive people. You always mock yourself for not achieving something and once you achieve it you're already on the way to achieve a new goal and so caught up in it that you forget to congratulate yourself, and more so, you simply forget to rest.
I was just starting to write a post about how I hate being ungrateful or sounding ungrateful, or ungrateful people in general, bu now I realize how stupid that would be and how hypocritical it would be to say that considering I am never thankful and grateful for what I have accomplished in life. And I mean this in the most modest way, I have achieved a lot.
A few days ago I was on a little seminar thing with the guy from the past (we'll call him Bob for the sake of my hands writing the guy that I liked for a year ten times at least in the post), and some other people obviously, it wasn't much of a romantic retreat. That guy is the guy I was (or still am.... whatever) hung up on for more than a year. I've had a break from him thanks God. I already felt like I was slowly healing, and forgiving, and realizing that he, as a target, will not be achieved and that there will be another target, like always.
I saw him, and it all went fairly well. I felt like I could connect to other guys. I felt like we were friendly to each other, when usually we keep ridiculing each other all the time. I mean we were watching a movie, and me, with my overly empathetic way to live, cried my eyes out, literally worrying almost everybody, because they are not used to seeing me cry about my own pain. I usually really don't, surely not in public, but when we watched the movie and it was other people's pain displayed on the screen and a mother leaving her son and all that I couldn't hold myself and I cried, quietly, but cried. He actually had the decency to be a friend and tell me not to cry and that it's not real and all that, which doesn't really help my crying once a kid is crying on the screen, but it was friendly and genuine. Later on during the movie him and his best friend were sitting in the row in front of me and his best friend asked me to play with his hair ( not like it's long, because if it were I wouldn't), so I did, and he saw that and asked me to play with his hair, as well, which I didn't mind either one of them. I mean I felt like we were both showing each other in small gestures that we should move on from the weird hatred we had.
AND THEN. Oh, sweet mother of pearl, THEN, I talked to a fairly new friend of mine, who, therefore, didn't know much about my past and present love life, and I told her I have never been kissed. If you didn't already know, then here's the truth. I am 17 years old, in quite the modern open society, and I have never been kissed. She has a boyfriend and has already had sex and such crap, so she was surprised by this especially because she thinks I'm like this perfect girl for some reason.
Then she was wondering if there's anybody on my mind currently, so I told her there was, and that since I've gotten over him I decided not to jump ahead into another unhealthy- nonexistent relationship. She asked for his name, and since her boyfriend is that same guy friend that is best friends with Bob, she is very close to Bob, as well, so she said "Wow I'm impressed by the choice", and I jumped right in to tell it wasn't that impressive considering that for the most part he kind of hated me, and we really hadn't shared a serious talk ever in this life time. Therefore I told her what I keep telling myself he might really be the most charming person, but he's not my prince charming.
Well, this is not the THEN I was intending on, but THEN, oh sweet roasted chicken and ham sandwich, she went on telling me that he is now some other girl's prince charming and that hit me right in my nonexistent nuts. It basically was a blow below the belt that left me... Shocked.
He has never, and I do mean NEVER, been in a relationship. Turning him into prince charming means..... Means that she tamed the unruly beast. That, and that I didn't. She did the impossible, which was what I had convinced myself with that I have no chance with him, meaning my big bang and you're out theory was destroyed.
That's where my competitiveness comes out. The thought keeps racing through my head. Why her? Why is she the one to be able to tame the beast. I keep comparing us, and then I say she's smarter, but not as wise, she's sweet, but she's easy, she's pretty, but I am better looking, and blah blah blah. What the hell?!
Why can't i be happy for him that he finally found someone that sweet and smart and all that she is, and that he finally could love a girl enough to give up that crap asshole personality that he had before, and possibly helped him be nicer to me. Why the hell am I jealous or envious of her? I know that I'm far far better than she is, in most things that is, so would I really dare be ungrateful for everything I have, and everything I am just so that I can't get my mockery over and done with for the fact that I didn't achieve Bob's taming as a goal? What about the goal to find a better guy? What about the goal I had to be a better less judgmental person? What about the goal to stop being ungrateful for what I have and start seeing that I have everything anyone could ever ask for, except for maybe a love life, but if you really look at it hard I would rather be without a love life than without any other thing in my life.

So here's me giving up one goal that I had in the past. I decided that once I post this post the old me's dead and gone. I won't be mad at myself, I won't be mad at him, I won't envy her, I will move on and start my senior year fresh instead of going over this shit over and over and over again, which quite frankly has become boring to me. So here's me moving on. Here's a beautiful cover of Bob Dylan's Don't Think Twice It's All Right by Ed Sheeran. Describes my feelings I have for him exactly and won't have anymore.