Dear Progressive Sir or Madam or Other . . .

Please let me offer a profuse apology on behalf of all of us righties. We have erred, and erred badly. I will attempt to speak for the group (something we previously would have found inappropriate and presumptuous but have since learned from your example should be common practice). We have much to make right with you.

We are sorry we have believed in judging a person’s capabilities for a position, a grant, an award, a promotion, an admission, on that person’s gifts, abilities, and efforts. We ought to have founded our judgments, as you do, on something more superficial.

We are sorry we haven’t thoroughly understood what victim status means. Be assured that going forward, we are now far more clear about the meaning of victimhood and so we will begin demanding our due in society.

We are sorry we didn’t believe in participation trophies, and instead desired to give trophies for teams or individuals who performed with distinction. What were we thinking? All those fragile egos, all that damage. We believed in a hearty and hale response to competition, but we will attempt to level the playing field in all walks of life. After all, why should someone who is better at something get recognition for that?

We are sorry we are white, male or female, or from a people without a beleaguered past, or from a family with two married parents, or from a tough position that we worked to make right, or from a minority group and yet dared to believe in American principles. We will figure out how to right this ship and begin claiming we are things we are not.

We are sorry we have believed in hard work and in making our own opportunities. To this end, we are shopping for new couches and boxes of tissues so that we might begin awaiting our checks as we quit our jobs and prepare to let the government pay for everything. (It has all the money after all—can I get a “what what”?)

Speaking of which, we are sorry that we possess an understanding of macroeconomics. We will attempt to forget all we have learned.

We are sorry we’ve tried to let our values inform our politics. On the other hand, we are heartened by the instruction of your very own Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who tells us that it is not facts but our morality (however that is defined) that matters. Why, the mind veritably trembles with the new freedom gained to impose our morality!

We are terribly sorry we believe in a great America, a unique country where opportunities to better ourselves have been plentiful for most people throughout our rich past, and we apologize for our determination to see those opportunities continue so long as they are given the freedom and market to (oh, there I go again, with those pesky economics). America, bad! Venezuela, good!

We regret supporting a strict reading of the U.S. Constitution. They’re only words, after all, and old ones at that, so they must be defunct (but, please, dear reader, know that we will not throw the Koran or the Bhagavad Gita in the same pile of muck).

We are sorry we inappropriately label you by the incorrect pronoun, rather than with the one you prefer. We were too hasty in letting our eyes and our understanding of science inform our brains. We will disconnect from reality immediately.

We are sorry we gave some the benefit of the doubt (e.g., to Brett Kavanaugh, that dirty, dirty bird and Nick Sandmann, evil kids these days!), and not others (ahem, “Empire”-actor-I’ve-never-heard-of). We will flip our positions and go with the narrative, stat.

We are sorry we elected Trump. He’s no good! He’s a misogynist! He’s racist! He is bad . . . no, good! . . . no, wait, bad? . . . for the economy. (I get so confused.) He’s a freaking wall builder for crying out loud! We will endeavor to elect your Squaw-Skank Rebellion for 2020.

We are sorry we didn’t believe in a Trump-Russia collusion. We immediately should have heard the wisdom in your press, and remembered that truth has nothing to do with the facts. We should have pressed the good ol’ “I Believe” button.

We are sorry so many of us believe in something greater than ourselves—a God to whom we owe our lives, our laws, and our allegiance. That was bad of us. Very bad. We will enter into the gates of nihilism with you, pronto.

More will occur to me as the day wanes, but be assured I am off to tell my boss to shove it, and to figure out how to dial 1-800-WELFARE from my new government-issued phone.