Two days ago I had a very cozy day. I stayed inside all day and sat in the sun for most of the time while the sun was available. I drank lots of tea while I researched internships in the florist business for a hopeful future career, and continued to get frustrated with the results (or “no results” as I like to call it) because so far I haven’t found any in San Diego. But, more on that later.

Right now I want to talk about a little problem of mine…

I like tea, I have it multiple times a day most days. I also like sugar, lots of sugar in my tea.

But here’s the problem: I’m getting tummy aches from it. I feel like throwing up too. My doctor has told me to cut down on my tea. I did for a little bit, but I couldn’t keep it up for long.

Am I addicted to tea? Maybe I’m addicted to sugar. One day I had 36 packets of sugar in my tea in total of all the tea I had that day. Which was two medium-sized cups of tea. So that means 18 packets of sugar in each cup of tea. If you think that’s a lot, well, I used to have 26 packets of sugar in each cup and 3 cups almost every day. I’ve been getting better! It’s progress.

To put it into perspective: 18 packets of sugar twice a day for FIVE days is 180 packets of sugar. Just let that thought sit for a while.

I actually have been cutting down, once I learned that little fact above. I use 10 packets currently, and I hope to go down even more.

Needless to say, I get asked this question often, “Would you like some tea with your sugar?”

Coffee is gross, though. My boyfriend loves it, but I think it smells gross and it tastes gross. I also don’t know anything about it, that’s why I think I’d be the worst Starbucks employee haha!

How is your February going so far? Let me know, I’d love to hear! Mine is going along great. My boyfriend was super sick for a week though. Thankfully I was able to talk him into trying to get days off. He thought he wouldn’t get any, but you never know until you try! He was able to get lots of days off to feel all better, which was awesome!

I started a project back in December to draw something everyday, because I knew I had the time to, even if it was elaborate and took all day long. During my first week, I learned that I easily forgot about my project. I am very forgetful about most things anyway, so that came as no surprise. Actually, it was even expected. As the week progressed, I noticed I couldn’t think of what to draw. Why? I love to draw, it’s a passion of mine. But I learned that when I challenge myself to think creatively everyday, it gets kinda difficult. And when I don’t feel like drawing, but have to, it gets super difficult because then I have to force myself to think creatively. So I give up (This is why I kept failing that art class in college).

But then I discovered the feeling of accomplishment. If I don’t get anything done that day, not even my daily doodle, I feel discouraged. I feel lazy and I hate it. I get depressed. But, if the only thing I do that day is a daily doodle, I feel great. I accomplished something! I had a goal and I stuck to it, I completed it. And if I complete more goals that day? Great! I feel even better. It’s this feeling of accomplishment that was driving me through the last few days, but I still kept forgetting.

So after about a month of this, mainly the forgetfulness, I finally completed a week of daily doodles. I even have an eighth completed haha

You dug yourself deep into this hole that you can’t get out of. But you dragged me along too.

And I know you were abused as a child, and that you don’t want to end up like them. But I also know that sometimes the abused become abusive.

And I don’t want to be like you, but the cycle continues.

I’m turning into you—a bitter, angry person who gets mad at everything and nothing. And it’s not just any ordinary kind of mad, it’s the kind of mad that has me unable to control myself. The kind where words fly out of my mouth before I think, the kind that has me screaming as loud as I can into my pillow, crying as hard as I can because I’ve never ever ever gotten angry at anything—especially not like this—before I met you. And I am so scared. I’m scared of myself, for myself, and for the people around me. I don’t want to be abusive like you, and although people say I don’t have the heart for it, it’s turning in that direction.

You’ve silenced me with fear, like so many other victims of abuse have been.

Regardless, I hope you’ll learn to forgive, just as I hope I’ll learn to forgive. Because forgiving puts you at peace. And I hope you find that happiness you seek. I hope you find God before it’s too late. But most of all, I hope you finally understand what damage your actions and words have caused, and that you learn from them. And I hope one day you’ll change into the loving person you are deep down in your heart, that person I know you are capable of becoming.

And now I want you to know something: I’m out. I’m free, not only of you, but free of becoming more like you. I don’t need to think of you anymore, I don’t need to be afraid of you anymore. I’m starting a new life in the new year without you. So thank you. I know that what you have done to me will turn me into a stronger person one day.

For me, daisies represent freedom. I don’t have any idea why, but they do.

I know this because I was recently freed from someone. Well, I wasn’t the only one. My dad was freed from this person too. But the point is, four days after being freed I was at art class, and during art class I could not stop drawing daisies. I kept thinking, “I’m free, I’m free, I’m free!” and a field of daisies was the first thing I drew. And everything since then has had a daisy or two (or five) in it.

I even happened across a few daisies at Balboa Park over here in San Diego.

The person me and my dad were freed from, she’s not family. But she was dating my dad for a while, and we all lived together for about 5 years. Within a few months, she turned abusive. But my dad and I didn’t have the money to move away from her, until now.

But enough about sad stuff, that’s a story for another day.

Let’s talk about happy things, like daisies! What is your representation of freedom?

There’s a song by Morgan Taylor Reid called “Simply Human” and it’s a great song, although it does seem to drag on a little. But the point is, I wanted to share an important thought related to a favorite line from this song:

“And there’s always room to grow,
So keep your head high.
We are simply human.”

I think this is such a great thing to remember. When I hear these words, I am reminded of how we’re all constantly growing and learning each day. I think of how we should learn from our mistakes. Forgive yourself, and forgive others too. After all, we’re only human.

These are just some thoughts from me for the day. What are your thoughts about this line from the song? Do you have a favorite song that inspires you? I’d love to hear!
x Stefani

A little about myself: right now, I am a student in college. I aim to become an author one day. I want to start my own business selling artwork I make and photographs I take. I’m learning how to dance, mainly contemporary, and I want to perform one day (maybe even on the television show So You Think You Can Dance? if it’s still airing by the time I am ready to perform).

These are my passions in life. Photography, writing, drawing, and dancing. In this blog I will share these passions of mine with you. And I’ll also include a few personal rambles from time to time, of course.