All are available to buy right here in the UK, and they’re ranked from the wondrous to the woeful in traditionally logic-free Top Gear fashion.

The countdown begins at five (we tested the other four). Now click forth…

Clio Renaultsport

POWER: 200bhp0-62: 6.9secsPRICE: £16,930

Back in 2010, we crowned this our hot-hatch champion. Only because the top four have since moved the game on has the brilliant RS dropped down to fifth. You must drive the little Clio hard to get the most from its naturally aspirated 2.0-litre, but when you do, it’s a thing of wonder: precise controls, fizzy engine and an overwhelming sense of sheer mechanical rightness.

Vauxhall Corsa N&uuml;rburgring

POWER: 205bhp0-62: 6.5secsPRICE: £22,295

A special-ed Corsa VXR for £22k? We were sceptical too, but the ‘Ring is a bit special. Only slightly more powerful than the stock Corsa VXR, but with the LSD from the Astra VXR between its front wheels, it grips like a supergluey barnacle. Rock-hard suspension means a jiggly ride on bad roads, but the ‘Ring Corsa is an unexpected treat.

Suzuki Swift Sport

POWER: 136bhp0-62: 8.7secsPRICE: £13,500

A lightweight, no-frills hot hatch from the old school, and all the better for it. A power output of just 136bhp might look laughable alongside the 200-plus crowd, but the Swift Sport makes use of every one of its horses, clinging hard and changing tack like a bulb-drunk moth thanks to a 1,035kg kerbweight.

Mini Cooper S

POWER: 184bhp0-62: 7.0secsPRICE: £18,180

If you want a hot hatch and you want a Mini, you’re spoilt for choice: you can have a hatch, Clubman or Countryman in Cooper, Cooper S or John Cooper Works flavours. The JCW cars are too hard for buggered British tarmac, and the Clubman and Countryman are overwrought and bloated. The stock Mini Cooper S hatchback is the pick of the bunch.

VW Scirocco GT

POWER: 207bhp0-62: 6.9secsPRICE: £25,470

Flouts the hatchback-coupe distinction with reckless abandon, but the retro-remake Scirocco manages to be almost as compelling as the mechanically-very-much-the-same Volkswagen Golf GTI. Looks fantastic, goes just as well. The 207bhp GT version is the sweet spot in the line-up, though the diesel is mighty good too.

Twingo Renaultsport 133

POWER: 133bhp0-62: 8.7secsPRICE: £13,565

Like the Swift Sport, the Twingo RS dishes up a bare-bones hot-hatch experience we feared had died 20 years ago. Manic n/a engine begs to be ragged to the limiter, chassis makes far more grip than a dinky city car has any right to. Only tinny build quality stops it scoring higher.

Volkswagen Golf R

POWER: 267bhp0-62: 5.7secsPRICE: £31,700

Very expensive, very grippy, very fast. The four-wheel-drive R isn’t as fingertip-involving as the best RenaultSports (or indeed VW’s own front-drive Golf GTI) but makes up for it with fearsome traction in any weather. The ultimate wintertime hot hatch.

Abarth 500

POWER: 135bhp0-62: 7.9secsPRICE: £15,139

Some hot hatches are engineered to a precise formula, every control and feedback operating in perfect harmony. The hot 500 is not such a hot hatch. This is a daft, bundling ball of fun, overcoming dynamic deficiencies with lashings of hyperactivity. Hugely flawed but much fun.

Subaru WRX STI

POWER: 299bhp0-62: 5.2secsPRICE: £26,000

It’s the rally legend we knew and loved as the Impreza, now available with a funny hatchy bottom rather than a trad saloon back. Still hilariously B-road-rapid, still suffers from monster turbo lag, still best driven wearing a branded baseball cap and race shoes.

Citroen DS3R

POWER: 207bhp0-62: 6.5secsPRICE: £23,205

Pricey at £23k and, with only a few hundred coming to the UK, rarer than a non-tailgating Audi driver. Drives well, though couldn’t you lose a bit of the carbon fibre and orangeness, Citroen, and do a sub-£20k version for the rest of us?

VW Scirocco R

POWER: 265bhp0-62: 6.0secsPRICE: £30,575

The second ‘Roc on our list, and proof that more power isn’t always better. Unlike the four-wheel-drive Golf R, the ‘Roc R remains front-drive and - though bonkers-fast - can’t match its less powerful sibling for driving purity.

Seat Leon Cupra R

POWER: 265bhp0-62: 6.2secsPRICE: £26,010

Shares drivetrain with Scirocco R, goes round corners neatly, well priced. But the oft-luminous Cupra R isn’t as exciting as it looks on paper, lacking feel and feedback when compared to the best in the class.

Alfa Giulietta Cloverleaf

POWER: 235bhp0-62: 6.8secsPRICE: £25,570

Probably the prettiest hot hatch on sale today, with a lovely, fiery turbo powerplant. But the Cloverleaf can’t hold a candle to the Megane/ST/GTI crowd for driving dynamics.

Skoda Fabia vRS

POWER: 178bhp0-62: 7.3secsPRICE: £16,415

Mechanically identical to the Polo GTI, but sneaks ahead by being (a) cheaper and (b) available in estate form. Turbo-supercharged 1.4 sounds great on paper, but turns out to be a bit… boring in the real world.

VW Polo GTI

POWER: 178bhp0-62: 6.9secsPRICE: £19,330

A bit posher inside than the Fab vRS, but similarly lacking in flair. If you want a small, well-built fast hatch, the Polo GTI is near-flawless, but don’t expect to have too much B-road fun.

Ford Fiesta Zetec S

POWER: 120bhp0-62: 9.9secsPRICE: £14,395

The hottest Fiesta available until the 180bhp ST arrives (hopefully) next year. Has a whiff of Ford’s hot-hatch handling magic but needs more power. Lots more power.

Seat Ibiza FR

POWER: 148bhp0-62: 7.6secsPRICE: £15,870

Polo GTI-based Ibiza Cupra is now off sale, so the FR is the hottest Ibiza you can buy right now. And, let’s be honest, you probably won’t. If it has to be an Ibiza, go for the buzzy little 1.2.

Alfa MITO QV

POWER: 170bhp0-62: 7.4secsPRICE: £18,755

Turbocharged MultiAir engine is a tech treat, and Quadrifoglio Verde’s handling is better than the rest of the stodgy MiTos. But DNA dynamic chassis fails to ever find a happy balance between comfort and sportiness.

Skoda Octavia vRS

POWER: 200bhp0-62: 7.2secsPRICE: £20,330

It’s a Golf GTI in stealth mode. It’s well priced. You can have it in estate flavour. We like this. But the vRS now feels a bit long in the tooth against the latest hot-hatch crop.

Abarth Punto

POWER: 163bhp0-62: 7.9secsPRICE: £16,857

Dynamically more sorted than the Abarth 500, but nowhere near as charming. Scorpion decals and flashy red bits can’t mask a mid-table hot hatch.

Hyundai Veloster Turbo

POWER: 138bhp0-62: 9.6secsPRICE: £21,995

Is it a hatch? Is it a coupe? Whatever you call it, the hottest Veloster is still too slow and too boring to get our fizz gland really fizzing. Visuals are, er, unmistakable, though.

Mazda3 MPS

POWER: 260bhp0-62: 6.1secsPRICE: £23,395

Once upon a time, this was the most powerful FWD production car in the world. And the most torque-steery. Still very powerful, still very torque-steery, still not gonna buy one. Sorry.

Audi A1 185

POWER: 185bhp0-62: 6.9secsPRICE: £20,710

Audi’s take on the ubiquitous VW Polo GTI formula is very grown-up and refined, but even less involving. Super-limited-edition 256bhp A1 quattro proves chassis can take far more power.

Mercedes A250

POWER: 208bhp0-62: 6.6secsPRICE: £26,885

The hottest new A-Class is more than quick enough, but no hot hatch: too quiet, too distant, too sensible. Upcoming, ripsnorting 330bhp ‘A45’ AMG version will fix all that. We hope.

Audi S3

POWER: 261bhp0-62: 5.8secsPRICE: £31,840

What a VW Golf GTI looks like if you’re (a) minted (b) living in 2008 and (c) a bit of a boring bastard. But with an all-new, better-to-drive A3 out, we’ve got high hopes for the hot version, if and when it arrives.

Mitsubishi Colt Ralliart

POWER: 147bhp0-62: 7.6secsPRICE: £14,449

At £14k, the mini-Mitsu is cheap and cheerful, but short on finesse and let down by a sticky gearchange and heavy, unwieldy steering. Cabin dates back to the Pre-Cambrian era.

Volvo C30 T5

POWER: 225bhp0-62: 6.2secsPRICE: £24,470

Good God, do they still make this? The five-cylinder Volvo was a poor man’s Focus ST five years ago. Nowadays, you’d have to be wilfully insane to buy one.

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