Another in the “Rejected by McSweeney’s” category. ### Instant Messages I Would Send if the EMP Bomb Hadn’t Permanently Destroyed All Electronics Worldwide hey R U online? txt me im just sittin here in the dark with no tv lol wind-up radios suXX >:O i feel like im in the 18th centyry omg mysis was […]

Another in the ‘Rejected by McSweeney’s’ category. I actually wrote this about six years ago, for a Film History class if you can believe it, so I’m not too surprised by the rejection. The Lollipop Guild Denies Responsibility This affadavit is hereby submitted to the Almighty Oz, Wizard of the Emerald City, regarding certain statements […]

Rejected by McSweeney’s: The Fourth Pac-Man Ghost Posts on Craigslist Bike for sale – $50 (bicycles): 10-speed bike for sale. It’s blue — sorry, I don’t know much about bikes. Great condition, never used. I got it as a gift but unfortunately have no legs. Yellow sweater at Starbucks (missed connections): You: Gorgeous brunette, trendy […]

I present the latest in my irregular series “Rejected by McSweeney’s.” A work of fiction. Totally Plausible Ways I Could Talk To The Girl Who Lives In My Building 1. She is coming in from walking her dog, the leash in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other. I hold the door […]

The latest from my ongoing interminable series “Rejected by McSweeney’s.” Good afternoon, Mr. President; Madam Secretary; members of the press corps; ladies and gentlemen. When I first received a call from the election commission informing me that, due to an obscure and little-understood bylaw in our nation’s founding documents, the Supreme Court was, for the […]