Wednesday

The Best Wife Ever!

"I have the BEST wife ever! She bought me tickets for Superman this weekend!."

"I could not love my wife more. This weekend she taught me how to fold a fitted sheet."

"I seriously have the most awesome wife in the world. This morning she made me pancakes."

Seriously?! These are for real facebook posts from people I really know. Do these things really make you the best wife ever? I can buy Superman tickets. It is super easy and they don't cost that much. I mean I bought movie tickets just this last weekend.

Pancakes? I am giving ten to one odds that they were from a mix and someone just added water. You know what I had for breakfast? I had eggs blackstone. It is like eggs Benedict but with spinach and tomatoes. And I made the hollandaise from scratch. Yesterday I made an omelet with feta cheese and fresh veggies. Ummm... On a weekday, before work, while dancing. Did I ever tell you I make my own syrup? Okay just sayin....

The fitted sheet thing I am not even going to comment on. Okay I will. I was trying to avoid it though because I don't even fold fitted sheets. Okay I concede that maybe I won't be the BEST WIFE EVER! I use the Drew method of folding fitted sheets which basically means I twirl them around in my arms until it forms a nice crumpled lump and shove it in the closet. I do fold towels though.

I mean maybe it is really great that these men are so grateful for the little things. But every time it leaves me thinking that if those things make for a fabulous wife, why am I still on the market? If guys are looking for girls with skills, I got em'. Well maybe not computer hacking skills... but I know people.

My Skills:
I can buy movie tickets
I can buy concert tickets
I can grocery shop
I can pretend to play the guitar, while dancing
I paint
Sculpt
I can order take out
I can pick up the take out
I can cook you something better at home
I can drive a mini van
I know where we keep the extra rolls of toilet paper
I can find the mustard in the fridge.
I know all the words to Saturday's Warrior
and every Keith Urban song.
I can knit the heck out of some yarn
I can do a Jersey accent
I can keep my office plant alive
I can run for almost an entire mile
I can text without looking
Make a mean cup of herbal tea
Get free things with a wink
I can make ANYONE laugh
I can punch like a boy
I have my own car
I can sing off key

I tell a great bedtime story
I love spicy food
I can make pancakes
Waffles
Crepes
Spanish Omelets.

I actually have some other skills too. You know ones that matter. Ones that might actually make me a pretty great wife. But I better not give too much away at once. I don't want to price myself out of the market.

2 comments:

This post makes me smile Annie. I totally feel like my sister Milly could be writing this. She's so FUNNY. She's 31 (not married) and tries really hard not to poke out her eyes at some of the stories she hears, and some of the things that people say. I love it! Thanks for sharing.

And PS - hopefully those men think their wife is the best wife ever for more reasons than those, because I agree - most of those aint that impressive. I must not be the best wife ever either because I certainly can't fold a fitted sheet.