All the Other Things Cameron Diaz Could've Had Sex with in 'The Counselor'

So: Cameron Diaz has sex with a car in The Counselor — that totally batshit-looking new film from director Ridley Scott and writer Cormac McCarthy. People seem to be very divided about it, perhaps due to the aforementioned scene everyone seems to be talking about. And, well, Diaz getting all up on a car in the name of instant pleasure has us a bit concerned, all things considered. Not that I'm passing judgement, but it seems to me there were plenty of other things that would've gotten her off a bit more, uh, intimately?

Now, paraphilia and objectum-sexuality are real things. According to our friends Merriam and Webster, paraphilia's defined as "a pattern of recurring sexually arousing mental imagery or behavior that involves unusual and especially socially unacceptable sexual practices." Objectum-sexuality doesn't have a fancy-smancy definition because, uh, well, I'm sure you can take a few guesses, but it's basically where people are sexually attracted to, aroused by, and foster romantic relationships with, well, inanimate objects. There are TV specials about it and everything.

But, after having scoured the myriad of press photos for The Counselor, we've uncovered several things that we believe, could've had better sex with than a car. Such as...

Or...

And...

Also...

And let's not forget about...

Also these two...

Or this guy...

And this fella...(perhaps the lady in the picture would join him, too)

Although causing your boyfriend (played by Javier Bardem — not the worst thing in the world) to look like this might've made the whole experience worth it, even if it is going to haunt my nightmares now and forevermore:

Yeah — The Counselor looks just crazy enough to be worth seeing when it hits theaters Friday, October 25.