Trust is a precious thing. It can take years to acquire and moments to squander. Trust is a supporting pillar of healthy relationships from spousal to parental, from friendship to business, and even sometimes, just occasionally, politics.

I’ve met many people in life whose attitude toward trust is “it has to be earnedfirst”. I’ve also met people who give their trust freely until it is abused and then they become bitter about it. Or they wonder why they were abused, but don’t learn anything from the situation and then go on to repeat the scenario. Me, I prefer the middle ground.

I believe that you should trust until shown you shouldn’t. But don’t wait to be hit by a truck to figure it out. Stay aware and alert. Don’t be paranoid by any means, but don’t be a doormat either. Knowing when you should and shouldn’t trust others requires that you trust yourself enough to make the distinction.

But trusting in yourself is more than knowing if someone is trying to rip you off. Trusting yourself requires knowing yourself. What you need, what you want, what you believe in, why you believe in it and staying true to your values. It means having the courage of your convictions. Because trusting yourself in theory is one thing but you also have to put it into practice.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.-Anonymous

Trusting yourself then means action. Once you decide something, move forward. Don’t second guess yourself. Change when the evidence says you should. And pay attention to the signposts along the way.

Nothing Personal

How do you learn to trust yourself? My personal belief, your mileage may vary, is that to trust yourself you have to learn to NOT take things personally. You have to know, really truly understand, at a cellular level that other people’s emotions are about them – not you. Their words and actions, thoughts and opinions do not define you.

People are responsible for their own feelings. Taking on their opinions and feelings and letting them define you sets you up to suffer, and more importantly, undermines your trust in yourself. Circumstance can often times be arbitrary and coincidental, and they usually have nothing to do with you.So don’t jump to conclusions or draw specious correlations. All things evolve and change.

Stay true to yourself and don’t let others sway you. I believe that being able to separate out the noise of other peoples fears, opinions, and know-it-all tendencies from true advice is probably the biggest hurdle in learning to trust yourself. Remember people will always have their opinion but at the end of the day what do they really know? They are not you. So, don’t take it personally.

The rest is trial and error. You will never know how far you can go and to what extent you can trust and rely on yourself if you don’t take a risk.

Be thankful for the things you have in life. For your loved ones, family and friends, for your health, your job, the roof over your head and the food on your table, for the clothes you wear and the car (or other mode of transport) you drive. So things aren’t perfect. So what? Have they ever been perfect? And even if they have been, they didn’t stay that way did they? That’s not a rhetorical question. Really, think about it then answer it for yourself. Don’t worry, there are no wrong answers and you won’t be graded. Hint: If you think the promise of sustained perfection is pi in the sky, you’re on the right track.

Let me give you an example, I used to have a good paying job, but it wasn’t perfect. My commute was 1.25 hours each way. Then I got laid off. I lost the commute and gained more time with loved ones, but I also gained unemployment benefits. Definitely not perfect. I recently found a new job. I’m thankful for that, but I know it won’t be perfect.

What’s my point you ask? Life is not perfect. There is always something else we want, think we need, would change if only…. There will always be accidents or unhappy circumstances, or unfortunate events. So too will there be days filled with unexpected pleasures and joy. In other words, there will always be ups and downs. Some things are under our control for some of the time, others are not. And outside of a few fleeting moments here and there none of it will be perfect.

So what are you left with? Being thankful! Appreciating the things you have, and the people you love. Appreciating them in the here and now because, whether we like to admit it or not, things change and they change all the time. So if things change all the time, and we never know what the next day is going to bring, its best to cultivate a deep appreciation for what is at this very moment. It’s also good to cultivate an ability to be detached from a particular outcome. If we are not attached to how we think something should be or look then we are free to appreciate what ever happens as it is.

I watched the State of the Union Address the other day along with a few million other people, and I was reminded of how powerful speech is.

I’m not talking about giving one (though they certainly can be powerful), or listening to one (though I have been moved by some of them), but in ordinary every day speech. How we talk to our friends, family and coworkers, strangers on the street.

Speech is a powerful tool. How we speak to someone can have a lasting effect. It could be considered black magic if it’s negative such as gossip, or white magic, if its praise or encouragement. People will listen to our words and hold us to them, they will remember what we’ve said and keep a record of it (email) to remind us later, they will listen to how we speak and make determinations as to our intentions, motivations, and emotional state. If we come off angry or critical people will take offense. If we are complimentary, they may feel grateful or validated. Depending on what we say they may ignore us entirely or consider us an expert. They may or may not realize that what is said and how it’s said often says more about the speaker than the listener. Regardless, words have power. As the saying goes, it can take years to build a friendship and one careless word to end it.

So knowing that words have power with regard to other people, it’s important to remember that our words also have power over us! I’m guessing that unless you are a very enlightened being (and maybe even then) that each of you reading this has some form of negative self talk, in the singular voice, or maybe even as a chorus. In the book “The Four Agreements” the author Don Miguel Ruiz calls this mixture of voices the mitote. This negative self talk causes us to doubt ourselves in the face of a challenge, maybe even to the point of not accepting the challenge. We may beat ourselves up if we don’t achieve a goal. We may worry to excess or become fearful because our voices are telling us we don’t deserve a good job, that promotion, a happy life. And because our words are powerful, and the mind provides us with an almost incessant chatter, we come to believe what we tell ourselves.

Clearing out the voices in your head isn’t easy. In fact you will probably never be able to quiet them forever, but there are ways of working with them or around them.

Meditation– There are plenty of places to get instruction on meditating. The Insight Meditation Center is one. http://insightmeditationcenter.ning.com/. Concentrating on your breathing in a quiet space for 20 minutes a day can do wonders to center you and make you more resilient to the challenges (and voices) of the day.

Affirmations – I think affirmations get a bum rap. If you subscribe to the theory that words have power like I do, then positive words should have just as much power as negative ones. The problem I think we run into and why so many people think affirmations don’t work is because our ratio of positive-talk to negative-talk is often out of whack. We may have a lifelong habit (whether we are aware of it or not) of negative self-talk. It takes a huge amount of effort and willpower to counteract that. I do think it’s worth it however.

Imagine you are talking to a 5 year old - No you WOULD NOT say those things to a child. You probably wouldn’t say them to your spouse or partner either. So why say them to yourself.

Speak up – Your experience, your feelings, and your concerns are all valid. Don’t keep them inside. Say them out loud. Do it alone if need be until you feel comfortable. Speak kindly. Say what you need to say in a timely manner, as opposed to digging up the past. And speak with good intentions. You may be surprised by the reaction you get, and not everyone is going to agree with you. That’s fine. But there is something very empowering about saying what you need to say out loud.

Avoid gossip– Talking negatively about others is just as bad as talking negatively about yourself. Probably worse because there is always going to be someone who agrees and reinforces the negativity. If you get in the habit of not gossiping about others, then curbing the negative self talk becomes that much easier.

Listen - Listen to what people have to say, even if you don’t agree. Speak your thoughts in return. Keep in mind though, that you don’t need to argue every political point with in-laws or your co-workers. You probably won’t change anyone’s mind by arguing anyway. A solid well spoken opinion, that you don’t feel the need to defend, will speak volumes more than an argument anyway.

Never assume - Finally, and it should go without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway. Don’t make assumptions. Your inner voices will always assume the worst and then they will try to convince you to take it personally. Remember to ask, or paraphrase what you just heard. It’s far better to iron out the misunderstandings on the front end of a conversation than you go down the path of assumptions and end up in an argument. If you found this helpful or have additional tips, please leave a comment.

A comment on my last post from a reader got me thinking about fear; that four letter word that few want to talk about. So I decided to talk about it.

Fear is one of those things that we are ready to admit to having if it is a socially accepted fear, such as a fear of spiders or growing old.A real, potentially life-threatening fear, such as having your house broken into, or coming face to face with a bear on a secluded trail is also OK to discuss.

But those kinds of fear, which may be life-impacting in their own way, are not the fears I am talking about. I’m talking about the little insidious fears we all have, that we may not even know we have. For example, fear of buying something you really like because you are worried your friends might laugh so you think “it’s not me”. Fear of doing something you really want to do because your friends or family will think you’re crazy. What about limiting yourself at work because you’re worried your coworkers would accuse you of brown-nosing. There is always going to be someone who is critical of your choices. But it shouldn’t be you.

How to Deal

Recognize fear when it comes. Examine its roots. Is it your fear or did you inherit it? Greet it out loud and then dismiss it. It is not welcome. You must act immediately though or it will seep into your mind where it will carry on never-ending conversations with the voices in your head. Then you are done for!

Fear does nothing positive. Again, I’m talking about the manufactured social fears, not the fear that is healthy and may keep you from physical harm. So try doing something you are afraid of. Put yourself into the universe.

Here’s the thing. You have to task a risk. And barring any very unfortunate accidents and illegal activity, no one is going to die, especially you. Let this be a call to find your inner courage to be the you who you already be. Fear is a choice. Don’t choose it.

Getting rid of your fears not only makes you more authentic, it makes you more confident, and nothing is as sexy as confidence!

So many of us go through life thinking how cool it would be if only we were taller, better looking, had more money, were more confident, were in better shape, were more popular, were more successful, etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum.

But the truth is that as soon as you get something you think you want, that you think will be the answer to that hole you are trying to fill, you will want something else. Why? Because the hole cant be filled with something outside of yourself. So, instead of seeking to be some way that you are not, just relax and be happy that you are you.

See yourself as you truly are, not as you want to be seen. Don't let others have the power to define you. Know that you belong here. You belong to the universe. You are here for a reason even if you don’t know what it is. You are an integral part of the process of the universe. You answer to no one but the universal consciousness.

No one else walks the earth with your perspective or experience. You add value in whatever you do, and wherever you go.Therefore be you. You are unique, and you are special.

Do not feign emotion or actions that you do not feel or are not you. Do not fool yourself or others. Know yourself. Put your true self into the world.

Know your archetypes. Be true to them no matter what. Your archetypes are a gift. They help define who you are. Do not squelch them, do not bury them. Celebrate them. Understand their strengths and weaknesses. Guard against the weaknesses but otherwise honor and nurture yourself.

"Power is the free and total expression of spirit through a particular form or personality." – unknown.

There is a passage in the Buddhism section of “The Worlds Religions” that attributes the following to the Buddha.

“Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.”

And I was on the path to doing just that, by writing the Book of Aedan, when I read that passage. It made me feel good that I was doing something that Buddha himself espoused. It made me look at my endeavor from a different perspective, a bigger perspective.

The Buddha is also to have said:

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

This I had read before, and I wholeheartedly agree with it, and have for a long time. It was, in part, what prompted me to write down my own code in the Book of Aedan. If you are anything like me, and have spent years wondering any of the following: What does it all mean? Where are we going? Why are we here? What if this is all there is? How can I live the best life possible? How can I be a better person? Then this might resonate with you too.

Rolling Your Own – Step 1.

My first step was to realize that I believed a little bit from multiple disciplines, and a little bit I had come up with on my own. Then, I just wrote them down as I thought of them. This was actually quite easy. I wrote down whatever came to mind no matter where I was.

I used my emotions as a guide. For example, if I witnessed or heard or did something that bothered me, I wrote it down. Then I would ask myself questions about it. Why did it bother me? Did it violate my values or principles? How strongly did I feel about it? I did the same for situations that made me smile, laugh, cry, or feel happy or sad etc. Again I asked myself questions. Why does that make you feel that way? If it was something I said or did I would ask about my motivation. The more questions I asked the clearer I became as to why something was important to me. Also, for me, it was crucial that I be painfully honest with myself regardless of whether the answers ran contrary to cultural conditioning or familial beliefs. This part was NOT so easy.

I was reading an article in Psychology Today that was excerpted from the book “I See Rude People: One Woman’s Battle to Beat Some Manners into Impolite Society”by Amy Alkon. The gist of the article, and by extension the book, is that the author is fed up with the rudeness she sees everyday and decides to take it upon herself to do something about it. You could think of her as a Miss Manners vigilante if you like.

I could instantly recall several situations that I’ve been in where I would have liked to have shared some carefully chosen words with someone who was clearly in need of a lesson in appropriateness. The author gives a couple of hilarious examples in the article, one of which made her money!

After reading it, I thought now that’s a fantastic idea. I immediately started trying to think of new and interesting ways to call people’s attention to their lack of social skills. Unfortunately, all I came up with was the tried and true. Such as, the notepads you can buy at novelty or gift shops with various preprinted phrases (just check off the one that applies) for the rude car-parker, or shushing someone who is talking too loudly on their cell phone. But these are not exactly novel approaches, and depending on whom you shush, could even be dangerous. So I did what anyone looking for more information would do. I googled the phrase “what to do when people are rude”. Guess what I got? A list as of 17 books on rudeness, how many different ways people can be rude, and how to deal with it! Plus, there were several web sites and blog posts on the topic as well.

It really is an epidemic! I had no idea. Now I really am going to do my part, and so should you. The next time you are confronted with rudeness, stage an intervention! The country needs our help!

Ever notice how distracted you can get when you are simply going about your day?An email here, an enticing website there, a coworker who starts a conversation about her weekend. Nearly anything can take you off course and then before you know it 2 hours are gone. What were you working on? Where did the time go?It’s happened to all of us. And it can seriously interfere with your productivity at work and at home.

I like to think of it as a by-product of this hi-tech, instant-gratification, sound-byte world we live in. But I am guessing that it has plagued people for a lot longer than that. So few of us are taught how to focus our attention on the things we really find important, and then stay focused until we reach our goal. Oh sure there are time management methodologies can help to a certain extent, by teaching you how to distinguish between what is important and what is urgent. These methodologies can work if you….wait for it….focus on using them correctly. Oh come on you knew that was coming!

A simple time management tool might have you do the following:

List what needs to get done, and when it needs to happen.

Decide its importance.

Make a to-do list that ranks your tasks in order of importance.

Work through the list until you are done.

Simple right? Well. Um. No.

Let’s look at it from a different perspective. I call this a Buddhist perspective because that is where I learned it, and one thing that Buddhism has taught me is to notice things first, really become aware of what is actually happening and why, and then make a change if change is indeed warranted.

Who is in control?

Another way to look at your attention or your focus is to ask yourself who is in control? Do you let yourself get hijacked by way of email, walk-ups, easily being bored with the task at hand? Then you are not in control of your own attention.

The question is how do you regain control and start focusing on what’s important. It’s helpful to recognize that the wandering of our attention is an event that not only do we have control over but actually requires us to make a choice. Most of us simply don’t recognize that choice and so we get easily distracted. It’s a very simple process once that once you learn you can employ whenever you need to.

Step 1– The first thing to do is simply recognize when you have lost your focus. If it’s been several minutes before you realize you are off track, then look back at the last little while until you come to the culprit. Maybe the email icon (or sound) flashed on your screen. Turn those off, by the way. Perhaps you overheard a snippet of a conversation that reminded you of <fill in the blank> which caused you to <fill in the blank again>. Whatever it was, notice it. Write it down, ideally with the length of time you were distracted, then go back to your task at hand.

That’s it, just notice it and write it down. After a week or two of doing this you should see some patterns and you may even be shocked by how much time was spent doing unimportant time-filler activities.

Step 2 – Once you are good at recognizing how you are losing your focus, then you can concentrate on the moment of decision. This is where you make the conscious active decision to stay on track or go off track. If you decide that going off-task is the thing to do right now, then fine do it, as long as it is a conscious decision, and not an unconscious one. Continue to keep track of when you are going off-task only this time record why.

Step 3 – After a week or so of doing this you should see a change in pattern. You should notice less time-filler activities and more things accomplished. Most importantly you should be feeling better about being in control of your attention rather than it being in control of you.

Note that if you are making a lot of conscious decisions to go off-track and have valid reasons for doing so, then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your task-list or priorities. Perhaps get your manager involved in the conversation or your significant other.

The following is NOT an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. It is a hoax, and an urban legend. However it is humorous and begs the question...is there a hell? Note that I dont know where this originated (although I'm sure snopes does http://www.snopes.com/) so I dont know to whom credit (if any) should be given....However read on, have a good chuckle and then ponder....hell or no hell....you decide.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

So, according to this apparently very bright chemistry student there is no hell.

Have you seen the movie? If not I highly suggest you do! Its multidimensional. Dont listen to the critics who tell you its all about the next step in CGI. The story line has plenty to offer. Without giving anything away, here are my top 5 themes of the movie.

1) We live in an interconnected biosphere. What's not to get people? Really I dont understand. 1 thing impacts another, and so on and so on. What's so hard about that?

2) When scientists (especially women in the movies) go up against the privitized military industrial complex, expecially when they are in bed with the megacorp, they lose! Or do they???? I'm not trying to draw parallels between our own former VP and the company he was running....I'm sure that was purely coincidental.

3) Read my lips. Privitized military is bad bad bad. ....Only out for a buck, not accountable to anyone, and hmmm strangely very familiar (see #2).....Ahem, anyway.....Repeat after me BAAAAD!

4) The planet will not only fight back she will win! You can call it revenge for poor stewardship if you like. Whatever! But to quote an old commercial from the 80's..."You don't mess with Mother Nature". Especially when she has help from those who know how to "plug in".

Yesterday I read a blog where the writer suggested that the bluefolk should have been more technologically advanced. They should have kicked the human's ass form the start. To which I say....Technology is not the only measure of a happy, healthy, intelligent, and advanced society. I say look beyond the trappings of the modern day. Look beyond your keyboard and smartphone. There is a world out there!

Author

I have had a lifelong interest in philosophy and spirituality. Finding only bits and pieces of in various texts that resonated with me, I decided to create my own code. I called it the Book of Aedan, and it was the genesis of this blog.