Is there a male menopause? As a man in his mid-50s, I have recently become aware of getting older. Increasing age has had a curious effect on my psyche. I am noticing, on an almost daily basis, that I am thinking, feeling and behaving in ways that are starkly different from my youth and earlier adulthood. I will share these experiences on this blog and hope others will join me in describing their own age-related quirks and oddities. I can't be the only one at this "funny age", can I??

Thursday, 29 October 2015

My 25-year-old son has recently returned from a 4-day break
in Amsterdam with his girlfriend who arranged the visit as a surprise for his
birthday. No doubt the two of them will have absorbed the culture on offer
within the Dutch capital: the exquisite art on display in the Van Gogh Museum;
a sombre trudge around Anne Frank House where eight Jewish people tried,
unsuccessfully, to evade Hitler’s evil clutches; and the charm of the canal
network that meanders around the city.

Their trip to Amsterdam rekindled memories of my only visit
there in 1979, as a twenty-one-year old. Accompanied by my best mate, Alwyn, my
patchy recall of our long weekend is rather different and comprises some less
refined moments, as two testosterone-drenched, unattached young men experienced
what was then the sex-and-drugs capital of Europe.

The passage of 36 years has, inevitably, lessened the
clarity of my recollections. Also, the fact that Alwyn and I lived the whole
experience in a drunken haze further compromises the reliability of my
memories. Nonetheless, here are some of the more salient snapshots:

Attending a live sex show
where the lady, kneeling on all fours, appeared bored and unforgiving
while the poor bloke thrusting at her rear struggled to sustain an
erection.

Arriving back at our
economy accommodation – the Magic Inn – at 4.00 am to find a bearded tramp
in a stained raincoat asleep on my bed. Having lost the power of speech
due to imbibing copious quantities of Heineken, I fumbled my way back to
reception and tried, using a combination of grunts and hand signals, to
explain to the young girl behind the desk about my unwanted room-mate. She
sped upstairs and, seconds later, I heard her scream, ‘Dirck! How many
times do I have to tell you – get the fuck out of here!’

A 230-pound pimp in a
three-piece pinstripe suit and tie encouraging us not to linger too long
gawping at the red-light ladies in the windows. If I recall, his exact words
were, ‘Move along or I’ll cut you into little pieces’.

Participating – fully – in
an ‘all-day booze cruise’ along the canals and, by the evening, engaging
in some communal on-board sexual groping. I have little recollection of the
nature of my playmates; I just hope they were human!

Lounging in a city-centre
café surrounded by hairy, sandal-clad hippies, all of whom were smoking
reefers. As a lifelong non-smoker – not even tobacco – I did not join in,
but recall the sweet, sickly smell that clung to me. In the aftermath, I
suddenly realised that Alwyn was an alien who had been sent to planet
earth on a mission to murder me.

But, alas, standards have slipped. It is such a pity that,
unlike their parents, the young adults of today lack awareness of the finer
things in life.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

As a contented 57-year-old I’ve few regrets. I found my
soulmate and we’ve savoured the 34 years together. Between us we guided two
children into adulthood, both of who are decent, talented and – of course – beautiful
20-somethings. And we’re lucky enough to be financially secure and able to travel
the world following our recent early retirements at the age of 55.

But knowing what I know now, if I could travel back in time,
there are some nuggets of wisdom I’d share with my 16-year-old self.

1. Don’t assume there’s
always a ‘right’ answer for all of life’s questions. There are few
absolute truths in this world, so rather than devoting all your energies
to science subjects, why not give more of your time to English Literature
and the appreciation of art. Read more fiction and fewer chemistry
textbooks. Don’t always strive for the logical answer – Dr Spock was a
bore - but explore the infinite expanse of your own creativity and
imagination.

2. Don’t’ expect too much
from your girlfriends. Lower your standards. Spread your seed far and wide
(while, of course, taking the necessary precautions). Flirt more and don’t
take your relationships too seriously – there’ll be time enough for that
when you’re older. When someone tells you that your current girlfriend was
spotted licking the tonsils of another boy, don’t sink into a depressive
stupor; just smile, wish her well and move on to the next gal.

3. Don’t drink copious quantities
of Pernod, as it will evoke projectile vomiting and, before you

realise,
your orange stomach lining will be sprayed across the bedroom wall like
some psychedelic modern art.

4. And try to drink less
volume of beer when you stay over at a mate’s house; your best friend’s
parents wont appreciate you pissing the bed in their guest room.

5. Actively seek out
opportunities to learn new skills. Don’t always play safe by restricting
yourself to sporting activities that you already know you’re good at. If
you botch up, it doesn’t matter – learn to laugh at yourself.

6.Relish every moment of
team sports – football, cricket, basketball – for there are few better
feelings than winning and losing together as part of a unit against a
common foe. Embrace that togetherness that competition brings; you’ll miss
it when it’s no longer around.