Dear Emuna: Intimate Matters

Help! My husband doesn't desire any physical intimacy.

What do you do if you marry a wonderful man and then find out he does not desire any physical intimacy?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

This is such a serious and private issue that it is impossible to adequately address it in this forum. But because I have received a number of similar letters recently, I will just make some general statements.

Among your husband’s obligations to you are conjugal rights (it's right there in the ketuba, the marriage contract). The Torah considers that to be a man’s responsibility. While every marriage and every relationship is different, a marriage without physical intimacy is unlikely to survive, let alone thrive. We call it intimacy not just to use more appropriate language but because it is an accurate description. It is a deep and profound way for a couple to connect and if it is missing from the marriage, then the union itself is dramatically limited.

Every woman wants to feel attractive and needs to feel that her husband in particular desires her. I’m concerned that your sense of self-esteem will be harmed if this is an ongoing lack. Or that you will be tempted, God forbid, to look for this validation elsewhere.

You and your husband need to sit down with a competent therapist to discuss and understand this issue and its implications. You're marriage is at risk, and you need to take action to save it. Now.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

My best friend’s husband is so good to her. He brings her flowers every week, helps out around the house and is one of those fathers who is always down on the floor playing with the kids. He looks at her with such love and affection that whenever we go out together I feel jealous. And I feel resentful that my husband doesn’t behave in a similar fashion. What should I do about it?

-- BFF

Dear BFF,

Jewish tradition gives us interesting guidance here. In the first place, it discourages socializing with other couples. I know this may sound odd and archaic but hear me out. One reason for this is the risk of immorality. You may pooh-pooh the thought and find it absurd or overly cautious but if you think about it, you will discover that you know of more than one situation where marriages broke up because of his or her “best friend.” The second reason to limit this social contact is because of the exact situation you describe. We get jealous. He’s more generous. She’s more attractive. He’s more accomplished. She’s more thoughtful. He’s more solicitous. She’s a better cook. All of the sudden, our partner seems inadequate. Comparisons like this are dangerous and damaging. We should avoid situations where they seem inevitable.

Additionally, you need to remind yourself that no marriages – and no husbands – are alike. Everyone has their unique strengths and weaknesses. You’re only seeing his best sides and not what goes on behind closed doors. The secret is to stop focusing on the good in someone else’s husband and start focusing on the good in yours.

--Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I have three married sons and two married daughters. None of us live in the same city and staying in touch seems like a full-time job. Just speaking to each of my children and in-law children every day seems to take so much time. I’m feeling frazzled but trying to be a good mother and mother-in-law.

Conscientious

Dear Conscientious,

I think you should relax and cut back on the calls. My guess is that your daughters-in-law really don’t want to speak to you every day – no matter how wonderful and non-interfering you are! Even your daughters may want a little less contact. I mean, who has that much to say? Even if they really like you! When your children get married, it’s best to let them call the shots, and to let their spouses be in control of their relationship with you. When they want to speak, they know your number. It’s better not to be too intrusive, not to make yourself a burden to them.

Just “chill” (as my kids constantly say) and back off. The result will probably be more frequent calls – and more meaningful ones, not to mention less risk of saying the wrong thing! Relinquish control; you’ll actually end up with a better relationship, not a worse one.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 51

(27)
BDF,
July 12, 2011 10:08 PM

You should go to therapy, not for her but for your own sake. You'll start living a different life.

(26)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2011 4:15 AM

Intimacy

To anonymous...I too had a husband 27 years who never want intimacy with me. I divorced him and found love and intimacy with a wonderful man who I married.
There is nothing wrong with you. Just be yourself. Good Luck...

(25)
RH,
July 7, 2011 1:49 AM

My wife lost completely the interest in being together with me...

I'm so sad, we've been already 23 years married and have 3 kids. I've always been faithful to her and dedicated my whole life to her & the family. I still love her and feel attracted to her, but in the last years she began to avoid contact. We've never had problems related with our intimacy, and I've always cared about fulfilling her needs. Every day she invents new excuses: she's tired, she doesn't feel like it, perhaps tomorrow, it's too hot or cold etc. I'm a normal, healthy, middle-aged guy, and I consider intimacy a fundamental part of marriage. It's been already 1-1/2 year since I've learnt about the importance of guarding my eyes, and don't even look anymore at other women on the street or TV. Sometimes my wife makes me wait for her 1 or 2 months, without even letting me touch her, with no apparent reason. I've tried to discuss the subject uncountable times, and she always remains silent. Tried to bring her to a therapist but she refused; she doesn't also want to consult a Rabbi/ Rebbetzin, even a doctor to have her hormonal system checked. Each time I ask her if she wants to part ways with me, she says she wouldn't like to, but I feel she has some *big* problem she keeps for herself and won't ever clarify the situation. I'm feeling extremely stressed, and don't know how long I will be able to resist this test. Her constant refusal is starting to corrode our family life and affect the kids, but she remains absolutely silent about it. I feel as if I had been judged and condemned for a crime I don't even know I commited. Don't know what else I can do to rescue my marriage. For her, it's apparently OK to live on and on this way, taking care of the house & kids and living in her own little world without the joy of being together, but I feel that, on my side, the atomic bomb may explode anytime... What can I do ?????
Thanks in advance for any kind of advice...
RH.

Anonymous,
October 23, 2011 4:40 PM

how to win back her affection

maybe there is some built-up resentment there but who knows? was there a time in the past when you physically genuinely enjoyed each other and can you think how to recapture that? Try just being affectionate and make it clear you don't expect sex, do that for a while and maybe it will help the situation by taking the pressure off and allowing her to respond in her own time

Alexandra Lynch,
November 3, 2011 7:06 AM

Romancing a spouse with kids....a way that works

First, you may have set up a situation where any contact is going to lead to full intimacy.
And here is another thing: He comes home from work, tosses his bag and coat in the direction of a chair, and gets on the computer for an hour and a half. Then he eats dinner, maybe plays with the kids a little, and has his shower and goes to bed.
I come home, pick up his coat and hang it up, put his briefcase where he can find it. I let out the dog, feed the cat, let the dog in. Change out of work clothes, start a load of laundry, keep the kids on task with homework while preparing dinner at the same time. Let out the dog, let the dog in. Discover the dog has dug a hole in the yard again. Mental note to fix that next time before I mow. I do the dishes, fold and hang up the laundry, and put it away, and supervise the children bathing and going to bed on time, having laid out their clothing in the morning. That done, I lay out my husband's clothing (This is for me, otherwise the chaos in the morning is insupportable...), lay out my own clothing, and have my own shower and go to bed. I get less sleep than he does because I have to get up to get the kids ready for school on time, and he can just wave goodbye over his coffee. I am often too. darn. tired. to deal with one more demand on my body, and sleep is far more attractive than intimacy. "Next week," we tell ourselves....and it just never quite happens.
If this is the case, what can you take off her shoulders to give her mind time to think about something besides her duties? Even if it's only emptying the trash or arranging to cook dinner (and that means you do the prep and leave the kitchen the way you found it, you know!) once a week, that will be an act of love and support far beyond bringing flowers home.

ab,
May 20, 2013 11:01 AM

good comment

although this may not be the actual problem in this specific situation, I think its a very common one and is worth mentioning. Its also relatively easy to fix although may take some time.

Anonymous,
November 5, 2013 11:25 PM

Are you kidding me?

Your partnership is a 90/10 arrangement. You need to get rid of the lazy bum or arrange for a retraining.

YoJewMama,
March 25, 2012 6:42 PM

RH: maybe it's the "change of life"

What is happening with your wife may be hormonally influenced. Menopause and peri menopause can wreak havoc. "Too hot" and "too cold" are signs. There are natural supplements she can experiment with from the health food store, or she can see a gynecologist to check her hormone level. If it's hormonal, it will pass eventually. Be patient. Try taking her on a "mini-moon". Take her on a trip, just the two of you. Then LISTEN to anything she has to say. No matter what comes up, let her feel safe to express herself. If things are not ok on an emotional level, she will need to feel like you listen and are a safe place for her to be no matter what. That is the man in you being strong for the woman in need. Counseling could also be very helpful. All the best!

(24)
Lacking in Mentchlichkiet,
July 6, 2011 6:02 PM

It saddens me to see my non-jewish co-workers and neighbors seem to be more loving and giving than I. What can I do to be a better Jew?

Dear Emuna,
Our summer down here (yes, in the south) is already halfway through. As I go through these hot summer days with my children, I have been watching closely to see how we relate to the outside world and it saddens me to see our social skills are off.
From my non-religious neighbors we have received compassion and always a helpful hand. When my family went out of town for Shavous the next door neighbor watered our garden. I was floored. I never even asked. We were gone a week and our garden survived because of him. He, in turn always pays my son to water his garden.
When we walk into stores non-Jews are leaving and holding the door open for us. The kids walk in, ahead of me. Shouldn’t we be holding the door open for them?
I’ve met some sweet non-Jewish kids in the neighborhood. Always polite “Yes, ma’am. And, when I hand over a snack, they just say thank you. No, “Oh, I don’t like that”. It seems their manners are at peak. Where are ours?
And, lastly, when my son went collecting for the Chai-A-Thon last week and brought his booklet to the local bank with me, I was surprised at how much money he was able to collect. It seems that not only are these non-Jews respectful of us Jews they seem to preach charity and doing chessed for others.
My children are middle school age. They go to a Jewish day school where the importance of ‘learning’ is no doubt drilled into their head. Yes, we daven daily but who doesn’t talk in shul? Or look around while benching? We always give 10% of our earnings to Tzedakah, and learn Pirkei Avos weekly. But somewhere along this line of tradition, something went wrong. Our social skills are not connecting to what we are being taught. This is so saddening to me. Where did I go wrong? I feel I need someone to teach me and my children how to be a better Jew. But, not in keeping the halachos, or davening but how to be a mentch.
Lacking in mechlichkiet

(23)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2011 1:17 PM

This reminds me to be thankful

I am a woman who has certain issues about my husband (who doesn't?) but intimacy is, thank G-d, not one of them. I feel so bad for the woman who wrote, and may Hashem help her husband to give her the kind of intimacy she craves. I will think of her from time to time when I daven. She has taught me a valuable lesson: that I should appreciate my spouse more, and thank G-d for him even though I do have other issues about him. This helps me to keep those issues in perspective. I am in my early 60s and my husband is in his late 60s, and thank G-d that the physical part of our marriage is just wonderful! I am very much in love with him and I just have to keep reminding myself to thank Hashem again and again and not to complain about the other issues, and to remember this woman when I start feeling sorry for myself about the other issues. My dear friend, may Hashem answer all your prayers in full measure.

(22)
Anonymous,
July 4, 2011 4:44 AM

Letting sons- or daughters-in-law control access to child.

"Let their spouses be in control of their (your children)
relationship with you"? Are you aware of how often sons- or daughters-in-law actively try to prevent your child from
having anything to do with his or her family?

(21)
Anonymous,
July 3, 2011 7:20 PM

Intimacy

Dear Emuna,
My husband also didn't want to be intimate with me for 24 years. His excuse was impotence. Then, after 24 years, he ran away from me with a young woman. What can I do? I feel inadequate as a woman and full of bitterness as an ex-wife. I don't think I would ever have the courage to date another man. I am extremely lonely and depressed. I trust no one. What should I do?

Sarah,
July 6, 2011 11:22 AM

Dear Anonymous - I am SO sorry to read your story. I can't imagine how you must feel after giving 24 years of your life to this man. I do truly believe though that there is a beautiful soul out there who is the other half of you, and i hope you find each other soon.

(20)
Anonymous,
July 3, 2011 3:04 AM

response to jealous wife

Jealousy is a very painful emotion to experience. i am on the other side. I have a husband who is helpful, a good father... all that. Except i don't have feelings for him like one would want to have towards their spouse. You wonder how can that be? well when you are 20 yrs. old, you dont always make the best decisions ... and i married a man that i wasn't so excited about marrying. Long story short, i am now terribly jealous of women, probably similiar to you, who love their husbands and cater to their needs, and want to please them,,,,what i would do to feel that way!... so you never know what can be on the other side of the picture...may Hashem bless you that you shouldn't have to experience the terrible pangs of jealousy and that you should only know of happiness and joy in your heart and mind!

(19)
Susan,
June 30, 2011 3:09 PM

Get checked

I agree with everyone that stated to get a check up. First and foremost, get your hormone levels checked. If you live in the states, our food is grown in very poor soil which has left us with poor food, which makes us depleted in nutrition which affects our everything, unless of course you can eat organically grown. But, get those levels checked, thyroid, testosterone (females too please!) all of it! I give my 59 year old Yohimbe and switch off with a product called Total Male. It delivers just what it is supposed to!

(18)
Anonymous,
June 29, 2011 2:46 PM

Wow... Are there other people out there like me?? I'm in a marriage without intimacy for TWENTY FIVE years. I've cried, I've yelled, I've asked for counseling, I've begged, I've cajoled, I've threatened and I've given up. I go through the 5 stages of grief periodically - 1.denial 2.anger 3.bargaining 4.depression 5.acceptance. I live somewhere in denial and acceptance most of the time, so I just don't think about it. But every so often I become angry, and then depressed. We have children, so I'm not going anywhere, EVER. He used to bring me flowers. He keeps the cars cleaned and gassed, and the house trimmed and kept up. He buys clothes for the kids, himself and me - he is a shopper. Look at those these things of consideration. To the outside - to other people - it looks like love and affection, but to me it looks like excuses and inadequacy. I feel like he doesn't have time for ME except to discuss the house, the children, the car, dinner or work. Twenty-five years is a long time. I should have known, but he led me to believe that he was just being considerate, proper, and appropriate before we were married. It's awful, everyday, but I deny or accept, because I'm not going anywhere. I've made my bed...

(17)
mi,
June 28, 2011 8:33 PM

RE lack of physical intimacy

Dear Confused,
It is not clear from your question (as posted by Emuna), but have you done an effort to be attractive to your husband? a road to intimacy is a two way street...

Anonymous,
June 30, 2011 12:39 PM

Same with me, just the other way around...

I am married to a wonderful woman for over 20 years.
Over our married life together my wife and I have built a beautiful family with well adjusted and happy children.
My wife is an attentive and caring mother, and spouse.
She is objectively very attractive and the truth is that I find her just as, if not more beautiful and desirable today as I did when we were dating 20 years ago.
Personally, I am a very ‘touchy-feely’ kind of person. I believe the physical expression of love in a family is important.
As such, I educate my kids as such; a kiss or a hug before heading out to school or when they come home, before going to sleep, etc.
Though she does with the children, my wife does not generally initiate any physical intimacy with me, unless we are in public when she will hold my hand, or put a hand on my shoulder, but this seems to be so we can project a certain image for others to see.
Though I crave physical intimacy with my wife, she seems to have little or no need or desire for any such physical intimacy.
This has more or less been our physical relationship since we were wed, though prior to being married she expressed a lot of desire.
Generally if I do not initiate, we can go a week or longer without her even noticing we have not had any physical contact.
It is clear to me that she is not attracted to me, her lack of desire or initiating makes it quite evident. Though I have confronted her and she claims she is.
It has been an issue we’ve discussed/argued about for many years, starting soon after our wedding. I love my family, so I am accepting of my situation.
As the years have passed, I’ve decided to stop swimming against the tide, and take a step back. I have accepted the fact that this is our fate. Since I have done so, weeks can go by with no physical intimacy.
I have suggested we go to therapy, but she has refuses as she does not think there is anything wrong.

Anonymous,
June 30, 2011 5:39 PM

Same with me, just the other way around

i have the same problem like you have and i went to therapy it did not help i thing we men have this problem much more the women i wish my wife would ask for it much more.

Anonymous,
June 30, 2011 8:58 PM

that's me

I am the wife in your situation Anonymous. Or was until we split up. The bottom line with me was that I simply was not attracted to my husband. A certain physical something was missing. We did not have intimacy before marriage and to this day I feel that had we done so, we never would have married. There were other issues in our marriage, but, to my husband, this was huge.

anonymous,
July 1, 2011 1:16 PM

try mikvah night!!!

I had the identical problem – I had to practically beg for intimacy and would be so insulted that she never (ever!) asked for it herself. However, our relationship is now fantastic! The secret: practicing jewish laws of family purity - taharat Hamishpacha. I know it sound counter-intuitive, because it involves weeks of non-contact, but when a woman goes the mikvah every month, you are guaranteed at least one night of intimacy a month - on the night she goes to the mikvah. I know it does not sound like alot, but it grows from there – all our expressions of love (hand-holding, hugs, kisses, and, of course…) increased. Mikvah night also diffuses the tension, because neither of you has to make the first move - it is just implicitly expected that when your wife comes home from the mikvah, time will be set aside time for intimacy. The other advantage is that after you have both gone about 3 weeks without touching, you are both more likely to be in the mood, and the first touch is electrifying - trust me! A third advantage is that going to the mikvah clarifies expectations so no one is disappointed: It used to be very frustrating when I was in the mood and she was not. We are now both in synch – and neither of us has to “ask for it”. My wife comes home from the mikvah feeling like a princess, and I feel like I am honoring her by keeping my distance when we are not permitted to touch. It was the best thing that happened to our relationship, and I wish I could brag to the whole world about it. Obviously it is a very private decision, and you both have to agree to it – if you have not already tried it – but I strongly (!!!) endorse it. Best of luck.

Keren,
July 7, 2011 9:31 PM

Have you considered that she may have been abused?

My husband was like your wife. And if we were intimate, he would get angry the next day, as if he were mad for having given in. I came across an article that discussed a similar marriage, where the husband had been sexually abused as a young teen, so I asked him point blank if it had happened to him. He had a hard time admitting it, but yes it had happened and he had told no one because he felt confused and embarrassed. Women especially may feel at fault if someone- friend or stranger- abuses them. They assume they have dealt with it, but pushing it back inside doesn't get rid of the bad feelings.
But also make sure when you do have an encounter that she is satisfied. Schmuley Boteach speaks about how intercourse usually lasts half as long as it takes a woman to respond. And after regular frustration, some women turn off altogether.

(16)
Sue,
June 28, 2011 2:24 PM

Jealous of friend's husband

Dear Emuna- Even though I'm not the one who asked this, I thank you for your reply to this question. I feel like a light bulb has gone off in my head. We are not Jewish but I shared this with my husband who is an ecclesiastical leader in our church and his reply to me was 'That makes sense and is very wise". There are times I want to "double" with my friends and their spouses so I can have time to visit with my friends but I can see how I need to back away from this and find time to visit with my friend with out including her spouse. I wish I knew how to share this insight with my friends without offending them. I look forward to learning more from your sage advice.

Divora,
June 29, 2011 4:22 AM

cut the jealousy, give more to obtain more spark

OK to not socialize was the advice, but I think that a crock. Get a grip. Communicate, give more rekindle the spark, encourage him. Give more and you will probably get more. Forget about the roses, involve him in the kids lives. However not socializing due to infidelity, oye va voy, we are digressing.

(15)
Anonymous,
June 28, 2011 1:43 PM

Assumptions.

We often assume that all marriages and all couples should have the same desire for sexuality. But studies tell us that about 20% of married couples have sex less than 1 time per month. Many couples who are not sexual together are content and choose to be faithful despite lack of physical relationship.
Trouble arises when one partner's needs for emotional and/or physical intimacy remain unmet for long periods of time.
As many as 40% of adult women meet the criteria for "hypoactive sexual desire disorder." Forty percent is a high number. I think that no one has ever studied men who lack sexual desire. So we have no information to say if this is normal or not.
In addition there are many couples who have less sexual activity than wanted because of health issues. This includes young couples. Many of these couples have sufficient positive qualities in the relationship to survive without sex. So while the situation is difficult and should be carefully assessed we should not make assumptions.

Anonymous,
June 29, 2011 4:28 AM

WHAT?

If you all want to settle for a sexless marriage, then you should hook up with each other. The poor woman should not settle. Either he is a mamma's boy or gay. As it clearly states in the Ketuba the man has a duty for Shabbat Mitzva. BUT WHO WANTS A HUSBAND WHO ONLY HAS INTIMACY DUE TO A Mitzva? I say cut your losses before the kids come. You have halacha on you side for dissolution of a marriage.

David Kaufman,
June 29, 2011 9:57 AM

All or nothing thinking.

Clearly "settling" is not being suggested. Searching for a solution is. While it is true he might be mamma's boy or even have same sex attraction there are dozens of other explanations such as depression, anxiety, health issues, etc. As a therapist I have heard dozens of explanations.
In terms of your concern with his obligation under the law: of course no one wants to be the technical object of someones mitzvah unless there is caring and meaning behind their actions. On the other hand, there are many times when one begins an action because of an obligation and then the emotions follow. Clearly giving charity is one of those mitzvot (as long as good is being done, we are ok that your heart is not into the mitzvah just yet) Sexuality can be one of those situations as well.
Regardless, "cut your losses" is a mitzvah too, but should only be used as a last and long thought out option.
I would also advise that the wife look into her role as to why this situation has come about with her husband. This is not about blaming the victim, but changing the dynamics. This does not mean she is to blame, it means that we all have an obligation to look at our part of the process we are unhappy about.

(14)
L.S.,
June 28, 2011 3:37 AM

Re: lack of intimacy

Rebetzin Feige Twerski in one of her articles here on Aish had a quote that said "if intimacy leaves the marriage it will go somewhere else". I feel really sorry for you, because this sounds like a horrible situation which must be wearing down on your self esteem. Please, please, please do not take it to heart--this is not your fault as some mean commentator insinuated about "the wife being obese or repulsive". Get therapy for yourself, for your own mental health. Your husband is either homosexual or cheating on you. Even if a man's wife is obese, he would still rather do it in the dark than just not do it at all. 99% of heterosexual men are wired to want sex; very few people are truly asexual. You need to investigate if he is cheating on you, and perhaps get him on viagra. If things do not improve within a reasonable amount of time, you NEED to divorce for your mental health and self esteem, or else you may be tempted to commit adultery and who could blame you? Adultery is a sin but divorce is NOT a sin. If you bring up the subject of divorce, it may hit home to him how serious this issue is for you. Hatzlacha!

(13)
Steve Skeete,
June 28, 2011 3:26 AM

Sex without intimacy?

Ms. "Anonymous" believes that without intimacy a marriage will suffer, but if a husband is too tired for sex that, apparently, is alright. I, however agree with Ms. Braveman. Unless there is some serious physical or other problem lack of sex will also definitely harm a marriage.
Something has to be wrong with a husband who for no apparent reason opts out on sex with a loving wife. And while flowers, dinner, cooking a meal, doing chores, and holding the "screaming baby" may spell intimacy for a wife, ask any husband how he spells intimacy? may be

(12)
Fay,
June 27, 2011 4:30 PM

Regarding phone calls to children

I learned from my mother to wait for my children and in-law children to call me. I am blessed with 8 children and in-law children ka"h, and would never be able to manage if I had a "scheduled" hour to call them. If I don't hear from one of them for a few days, I make a quick call to make sure it's just busyness and not that something is wrong. I usually manage to speak to most of them once a week.
We have great relationships! Good luck.

(11)
Keren,
June 27, 2011 2:50 PM

He might not be heterosexual

It is certainly important to see a MD to check thyroid and testosterone levels, to see a therapist to make sure that a childhood sexual trauma might be interfering with his performance and to make certain he understands physically what he should do (the quality of premarital education for frum men varies.) It is definitely worth asking about orientation. There are very wonderful men who are simply not attracted to a woman and a marriage to them can cause a woman to become embittered or insecure about her desirability. And definitely make certain of this before you have children (some men will do the bare minimum to procreate but not satisfy or desire their wives.) No matter how wonderful a man is otherwise, if he does not desire his wife, it will damage her.

EG,
June 28, 2011 2:49 PM

JONAH

There is a wonderful organization that has helped many men and women in this area, called Jonah. The website is http://jonahweb.org/-- definitely check it out. I personally know 2 success stories, men who were unable to lead normal lives who now do. It can take time, but every tiny step makes it worth it. Definitely look into it-- there is hope, despite what the secular media protrays!
Good luck.

(10)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2011 11:31 AM

Totally Disagree

There is a difference between sex and intimacy- without any intimacy a marriage will suffer- but there can be many reasons that conjugal relations in the bedroom just aren't happening. Intimacy is sharing your thoughts and feelings- caring about each other and doing things to make each other feel good (like taking out the trash without being asked, holding a screaming baby at 2 am, buying her flowers, making his favorite meal, doing a chore he/she requested that you don't like without any reminders) the list goes on and on...Husbands can not be interested in physical intimacy and not cheat. They may simply be too tired for the exertion conjugal relations necessitates.

(9)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2011 3:33 AM

beware

when my ex didn't want intimacy I felt a pit and my stomach, did some investigating and found out he was getting it somewhere else - so obvious but yet so hidden - took me a while to figure it out. It's not normal in most cases for a man to turn intimacy down and that's what sadly led me to my discovery

(8)
Alice,
June 27, 2011 2:54 AM

Might be a medical problem

This sounds like my husband. When I (finally) got him to talk to our Doctor, it turned out that he had very low levels of testosterone, which ultimately turned out to be caused by a brain tumour.
If your husband is young there may be an underlying medical problem - ask him to see his doctor and get tested.
If there is no underlying problem at least you will
know that you investigated all options before considering something like ending your marriage.
Note: Many man just have low testosterone for no apparent (life threatening reason). If this is the case these men can just be treated with testosterone patches or other medication.

(7)
True,
June 26, 2011 7:59 PM

Staying in loveless marrige is toxic model for children

When you stay in a marriage that has no intimacy or love you are modeling for your children that it is okay to settle for what you can get because you are afraid to be alone. Perhaps if you spend a little time alone you will attract someone who desires to be intimate and loving with you. A much better example for your children. And if you have no children, a much better life for you and for your spouse. The one you left, because he now has an opportunity to find someone that he can truly share with. And much better for you because you can have the love and intimacy you deserve as well.

Anonymous,
June 27, 2011 2:07 PM

Please read the question?

Please read the question again? Note that her husband is a "wonderful man." She also states that he desires no physical intimacy. With all due respect, you are making an assumption (perhaps projecting) that their marriage lacks emotional and spiritual intimacy. Maybe you are in error and that they have an otherwise beautiful marriage but for reasons we don't know and should not assume, this is one area that is presenting a challenge.

(6)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2011 6:55 PM

Wife from day one hasn't been an intimate partner and it continues

Surely conjugal rights is reciprocal. My wife is reticent and obstructive in this regard. This has had a huge impact on our relationship, in fact our kids no longer keep in contact. It has left me lusting after other women. How does a person constrain a natural but unfulfilled desire??? She would never consider professional help. What now!!!

Anonymous,
June 26, 2011 11:36 PM

Know-nothing intimacy

When either member of a couple is not "contributing" to the sex act (oops! should I have said "intimacy"?), any of several things may be going on: (1) someone is cheating, (2) someone doesn't know how to give sexual pleasure to his/her spouse or doesn't know what it feels like, (3) someone is suppressing any sexual urges, believing incorrectly that such urges--even in marriage-- are "sinful," or (4) someone has a physical problem requiring medication and/or surgery. The first step in resolving this dilemma is NOT a visit to the psychotherapist, but rather to a medical doctor's office to rule out the 4th possibility. A psychotherapist may be able to rule out the 2nd or 3rd possibility, but the therapist will have to be REALLY good to detect the 1st (cheating). For that, the "cheated" spouse may have to rely on a set of personal spies who realize that telling, in this case, is not lashon hora but, rather essential to save a marriage, which is a holy act.

(5)
TMay,
June 26, 2011 5:42 PM

No change or possible tit for tat?

Maybe you hurt his feelings by rejecting him because you were busy or preoccupied and he has underground and is letting you know how it feels to be the one to initiate and to know the risk you are taking about the possibility of being rejected, and waiting for you to bring up the subject. There are not enough details to say. If those fail then take him to a doctor. Perhaps he is drinking too much alcohol. If that fails, take him to a rabbi.
A lot depends on whether there has been a change since you have known him. Do you spend shabbas quietly together where there are not distractions?

(4)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2011 4:13 PM

intimacy issue

I agree with Emuna regarding the intimacy issue, you need to seek help. Everyone does have a flaw, but with certain issues (like this) there's some underlying issues that will destroy your life. If you have no kids, I would truly consider leaving, although extremely tough. Sorry to people who disagree, but to live with that pain, is horrible especially if you have a choice. This will eat you up everyday and kill your inside.

Anonymous,
June 26, 2011 11:15 PM

Totally Agree

Been living with this for 10 years, not so bad in the begining, but getting progressively worse. I feel like I don't matter and that everything else is a prority. If I knew this before, I would not have married this man, if I even knew before I conceived first child, I would have left. But In the begining he was trying and I was naive, thinking that it would get better the more intimacy we had and the better we got to know eachother. I now tell him my feelings, but it hurts when he's just not interested. If you have no kids, get out! If you have kids, get help immediately. BTW, there may be issues like pornogrophy, childhood molestation, etc... involved. Must get to the bottom of it.

(3)
Toby Katz,
June 26, 2011 2:16 PM

If she's young, no kids -- divorce him

"What do you do if you marry a wonderful man and then find out he does not desire any physical intimacy?"
What she should do if she is still young and attractive, and if they don't have kids yet, is divorce him pronto. Therapy will not help. It may even cause harm, if the therapist assumes (as many do) that religion is the culprit.
If she is older, not so attractive -- stick with him. There are enormous social and financial benefits to being married and there are a gazillion divorced, widowed and never-married middle-aged women out there competing for every oh-so-rare wonderful available middle-aged man.
If they have children and her husband is a decent father, she should stay with him and maximize her children's chances of having a happy life.

(2)
alan,
June 26, 2011 12:58 PM

Perhaps your husband is very timid, or a closet homosexual or he was abused as a child...men not wanting physical intimacy is a serious matter. Most bizarre. He needs serious therapy, assuming the woman is not obese and repulsive.

Anonymous,
June 26, 2011 1:54 PM

Obese = repulsive?

Alan, the "fat = ugly" equation is not necessarily true, and people need to open their minds and think outside the "thin" box of today's concept of beauty. Hashem made people in all shapes and sizes, and their is beauty in everyone.

L.S.,
June 28, 2011 3:45 AM

bad situation

I don't think it is fair to assume that this is the wife's fault and that she is fat and unattractive. While I do agree that women have a responsibility to try to maintain their physiques to the best of their abilities and take care of their appearances for their husbands, the ketubah does not exempt men from their obligations just because the wife gains weight, etc. Sorry, but the commandments still hold! If he is this shallow, that alone is reason to divorce him. My guess is that he is either a closet homosexual or that he is cheating on her. Since men in the frum world are not allowed to be openly gay, many of the closet gays marry women as their cover up and ruin their lives. I sincerely hope this woman gets out of this marriage ASAP.

Anonymous,
June 28, 2011 2:38 PM

hes still obligated

at least to bring it up as an issue- he cant close off on her like that- if she gained weight and she is not attracted to her, he needs to say it

(1)
Linda,
June 26, 2011 12:54 PM

as far as the intamacy issue

we are retired people my husband will be 70 this year and I am 65, our bodies are not the same any more and I don't care about it, so we have other things in our life to share. so what's the big deal about it? If most older women were honest, they would say the same thing. it's over rated and gets in the way of real friendship with your spouse.

Chavala,
June 26, 2011 7:02 PM

No intimacy for 29 years and counting

We were only in our late 30's when my husband decided he was through with intimacy after a few failed erections. We are both 67 now and he remains happy with the status quo while I remain devastated and extremely hurt because this is one area of our lives we both truly enjoyed at one time. I miss it like a death. I am angry and bitter toward him because he refused to seek help at the time and won't even approach the subject now. Not all women are "dead" just because of they get older.

yael,
June 28, 2011 2:35 PM

you are also responsible

you should have demanded it, he is OBLIGATED to do that in the kesubah- sorry but this is not "his" issue its both of "your" issue

Anonymous,
June 28, 2011 2:37 PM

sad

sad u think its overrated and "gets in the way"- intimacy builds a marriage- husband and wife are much more than friends and intimacy brings the couple together

I was born with a neuromuscular disease known as Spinal Muscular Atrophy and have been confined to a wheelchair my entire life. Unfortunately my sister and I were raised without any religious instruction or guidance. My father wasn't Jewish and although my mother is, she openly claims to be an atheist. The "good news" is that both my sister and myself - independent of each other and at different times in our lives - realized that we are Jewish and chose to live a Jewish life.

Because of my disability, I'm not always able to attend services on Shabbat, but I always light candles, pray from a Siddur and read the weekly Torah portion. I would like to know whether, considering my situation, if using a computer is allowed during the Sabbath? I found the complete Bible online and since my computer is voice-activated I don't have to struggle to turn pages or continuously ask for assistance.

Thank you to everyone at Aish.com for making it possible for myself and so many others to learn about being Jewish and grow in the most important part of our lives.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your inspiring story.

God gives each of us a set of challenges. To those more capable of conquering difficulties, He gave bigger challenges. A challenge from God is a sign that He cares about us and has confidence in our ability to become great.

It sounds like you're doing great!

As for using the computer on Shabbat, that is prohibited. A foundation of Judaism is that we need to respect God's wishes, even if we think that doing otherwise is "for a good reason." Consider this story:

A king calls in his trusted minister and says: "I have an important mission for you to perform. Go to the neighboring kingdom and meet in the palace with their leaders. But remember one thing - under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during this meeting. Now go and do as I say."

The minister sets off on his merry way and soon arrives at the neighboring kingdom. There he heads straight for the palace where he meets with the King. In the midst of their discussion, he sees some of the king's officers pointing and laughing at him.

"Why are you laughing?" asks the visiting minister.

"Because we've never seen someone with such a pronounced hunchback as yourself," they say.

"What are you talking about? I'm not a hunchback!"

"Of course you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"We'll bet you one million dollars that you are!"

"Fine - I'll gladly take your bet."

"Okay, so take off your shirt and prove it."

At which point the minister remembers the parting words of the king... "under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during the meeting." Yet, the minister reasons, a million dollars would certainly bring added wealth to the king's coffers. I know I'm not a hunchback, so I'll surely win the bet. Of course, under these circumstances the king would approve...

The minister removes his shirt and proudly displays his perfect posture. With pride in his achievement, he holds out his hand, into which is placed a check for one million dollars.

The minister can barely contain his excitement. He quickly ends the meeting and runs back to give the wonderful news to his king. "I earned you a million dollars!" exclaims the minister. "It was easy. I only had to remove my shirt to prove that I wasn't a hunchback."

"You did what?!" shouts the king. "But I told you specifically not to remove your shirt. I trusted that you'd follow instructions, and so I bet the other king $10 million dollars that he couldn't get you to remove your shirt!"

The Torah tells us "Do not add or subtract from the mitzvahs." (Deut. 4:2) Jewish law is a precise metaphysical science. Consider a great work of art. Would you consider adding a few notes to a Bach fugue, or some brushstrokes to a Rembrandt portrait?!

Perfection, by definition, cannot be improved upon. Altering Torah law is an unacceptable implication that God is lacking.

The verse in Psalms 19:8 declares: "Torat Hashem Temimah" - the Torah of God is complete. For just as adding one wire to a transistor radio means it no longer can pick up reception, so too we mustn't tinker with Jewish law. The mitzvahs of God are perfect.

May the Almighty give you strength to continue your growth in Judaism.

In 1315, King Louis X of France called back the Jews who had been expelled a few decades earlier by King Louis IX. This marked a theme in Jewish-French life: expulsions and subsequent invitations to return. The French monarchy was trying to establish their land as the "new Jerusalem," and to fulfill this mission attempted several crusades to Israel. In 1615, King Louis XIII ordered that Christians were forbidden to speak with Jews, upon penalty of death. Eventually, in 1683, King Louis XIV expelled the Jews from the colony of Martinique.

Focus on what you do want. Make your goal explicit. “My goal is to increase my moments of joy.” This way, every single moment of joy is a successful moment.

Celebrate each moment of joy. Be grateful every time you experience joy.

Having this goal will place your attention on joy. Instead of feeling bad when you are not joyful, you will experience positive feelings about experiencing more joy.

Each moment of joy in your entire life is experienced one moment at a time. You can’t have more than one moment of joy in any given moment, but you can increase the number of joyful moments. How? By focusing on it.

There is no person on earth so righteous, who does only good and does not sin (Ecclesiastes 7:20).

Reading the suggestions for ridding oneself of character defects, someone might say, "These are all very helpful for someone who has character defects, but I do not see anything about myself that is defective."

In the above-cited verse, Solomon states what we should all know: no one is perfect. People who cannot easily find imperfections within themselves must have a perception so grossly distorted that they may not even be aware of major defects. By analogy, if a person cannot hear anything, it is not that the whole world has become absolutely silent, but that he or she has lost all sense of hearing and may thus not be able to hear even the loudest thunder.

In his monumental work, Duties of the Heart, Rabbeinu Bachaye quotes a wise man who told his disciples, "If you do not find defects within yourself, I am afraid you have the greatest defect of all: vanity." In other words, people who see everything from an "I am great/right" perspective will of course believe that they do no wrong.

When people can see no faults in themselves, it is generally because they feel so inadequate that the awareness of any personal defects would be devastating. Ironically, vanity is a defense against low self-esteem. If we accept ourselves as fallible human beings and also have a sense of self-worth, we can become even better than we are.

Today I shall...

be aware that if I do not find things within myself to correct, it may be because I am threatened by such discoveries.

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