Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Its getting on top of me now and the
last few days the balance has tipped for the worst. So tired
physically and psychologically I can't concentrate for any decent
length of time and now I can't even recall basic things, this morning
I called my employer's sick line to say I wasn't come in and the
person asked me for a phone number for my teal leader to call me on
later...i drew a blank and couldn't remember, in the end I guessed,
too ashamed to say I couldn't remember (imagine tho if I gave the
wrong number and my team leader used it?). In the event the deputy
team leader called me on my mobile instead (don't if she tried the
number I gave before, if she did she didn't say anything) and she
again implored me to call their counselling line when I can't get to
sleep at night.

To rewind a bit I had dragged myself
into work yesterday after going to my local GP as I felt so bad when
I woke up I decided I had go before tomorrow (Wednesday, I booked
that day off) and get a blood test arranged to begin with to rule out
any physical reason for how tired I am lately. In addition I
mentioned to the GP (with trepidation) about the night terrors I
sometimes get, I’d mentioned it previously but nobody took it
seriously in its own right, the last mental health professionals
insisting its part of my depression and its that we (they) should
concentrate on, the last GP I mentioned it to simply dismissed it as
being normal...yeah me waking screaming the place down, soaked in
sweat and lashing out at things I’m still dreaming about (despite
being awake, just not fully conscious) and thats when I can REMEMBER
what it is that has gotten me so terrified in the first place, often
the only indicators I have I had an episode of a night terror when I
don't recall having one is unexplained markings on my body and that I
feel especially aggressive for the rest of the day.

The GP at least took on board what I
said and gave me the PTS (Psychological Therapies Service) handout to
call them in regards to my night terrors, my experience of dealing
with them isn't good but I figure at this point I don't have much of
a choice but to try them again, after all what is going on is
affecting my ability to my job, while I can't be blamed for that I
can be blamed if I don't take steps to rectify it.

It hasn't been unnoticed by others
either that I’m struggling, my team leader and deputy team leader
in particular. After getting into work yesterday after visiting the
GP we had a quick meeting just so I could update the deputy team
leader on what is happening, she was keen to refer me to the
occupational health people (Atos Healthcare, god help me) so said yes
to it but I honestly don't expect they will be able to help and only
because it won't go on record anywhere I was referred to them.

She was also keen to find out what it
is that is bothering so much, I didn't know what to tell her other
than I didn't really know, I have previously said the stress of
working full time isn't helping as I have to cope with it alongside
everything else, I didn't tell her that as it feels as though I’m
assigning blame, not to mention I already have fears of future
prospective employers deciding that I cannot in fact cope with
working full time.

I had to fight back tears during the
meeting, she was being supportive (or trying to be) and I wasn't
honest with her, also I felt ashamed I do in fact need support and
I’m ashamed that I’ve taken it, I feel like I’m not coping, I
feel weak and I feel like I’ve let the depression win again, most
of all it makes me a hypocrite as I’ve told do many people so many
times there is no shame in reaching for help and support when you are
struggling, as you shouldn't cope alone and it doesn't make you weak, that's exactly what I tried
to do and I’ve failed.