I thought this tragedy would make everything easy for me. But my dream last night, just proved me wrong.

Evidently, I have him in my heart and mind so hard, even in my subconscious mind at that. I dreamt so closely of him I could almost touch him, and us, together.

Only if I did, I know everything would be gone.

Just like now.

My mind is still boggling with unutterable questions. Questions likes, Did he do that just get rid of all the negative info about himself, and not because he really cared about me?

Suffice it to say, I’m currently confused.

Thanks to the book I’m reading now, When God Writes Your Love Story, somehow it tames my thinking and calms my mourning heart. Somehow it made me realize that I’ve been forgetting to whom really I live for. Somehow, it made me realize that the reason I’m feeling this way is because I’ve set my affection and attention too much on him and not on Him.

It’s true, honestly. I thought everything would be okay by now, since almost every one I know, knows that we are couple.

But I was wrong.

I completely ignored that fact that he isn’t ready yet. He isn’t ready yet to accept the responsibility that would come if we declare our feelings for each other. Of all the people I know, he’s one of the few who knows that the life I want is too far from how I’ve been living now.

There. That made think of another negative thing. That I had been just a little too hard on him on saying those things. Maybe nasakal lang sya. I don’t know. But its hard to think about that when he said he’ll be back for me when he’s ready to face my family.

Dear God,
I believe You are there. And in times like this, I know You are teaching me something. I don’t understand what, and I couldn’t comprehend how this has to happen.

There are so many things I wanted some answers to. Questions need to be uttered but words just won’t come out. You know, Lord, how much I desire his presence in my life. And just the thought of having no communication with him as the new year comes definitely is killing me.

I know also Lord that he simply wants the best for me. He doesn’t want me to carry all the blame that others put upon him. He wants ease things out for me. I know that he is just preparing the way to give me what we both want.

But why Lord does it have to come to this? Why is it so hard to accept the fact that we won’t be seeing each other, or even communicate with each other, until that day he is ready to face me and my family again? Why is it hard to understand what he wants to do when there seems to be a lot of easier way out? Why must I feel the torment of this feeling and the fear of losing him forever? How could I ever get through the day under the prying eyes of those looking up at me, with their piercing question asking about his whereabouts and our current status? How could I ever move on with my own life when all around me I could sense his presence in subtle but obvious way? All those things that remind me of him just screams pain and loneliness mingled with longing-ness and desire of him.

Why, Lord, does he have to be my weakness every waking hour? How could I free myself from the gripping feeling that binds me servant to this worldly emotions they call love? How I could carry on with the life You want for me, when my heart is so filled of knowing that I have him for the rest of my life? And how could I ever defy gravity and keep myself from falling into the pits of pity and mourning?

Lord, please help me get through this. The tears that fall down my cheeks are not enough to express how hurt I am with the situation I am in. I couldn’t bear the thought of life without him. This is cutting me deep down inside me that I simply couldn’t just cry loud enough. There are so many things Lord that I need to comprehend but please do show me now how to get over this. Please help me wait patiently for what You want me to have. Please help me have the courage to face tomorrow with joy and happiness that I ought to show in front of everyone. Please let me have the peace and contentment that I ought to have. Please show me how Lord. Or else I’ll die in pity and regrets…Please Lord Please.

When every one else are busy with all the festivities that this season gives, here I am pondering again what life and experiences are telling me.

Have you ever been in that situation where you have to gather all your strength again, throw away the pride, and humbly move on with the life God has given you? Have you ever been in that position where emotions are just rushing through and your head is clouded with so many questions you just can’t think straight? Have you ever felt that gripping hold of fear in your chest that something’s not going to be same anymore? Have you been so scared of losing something you hold so dear that you have almost forgotten the One Who is holding everything for you? Have your thoughts and heart been obscured by alluding questions searching for answers yet you couldn’t figure out the right words to express it?

Obviously, I’m in that position right now. And I could honestly say that I’m relying on my own deceitful heart all along.

I know this is not by accident but I thank God for showing me a verse that says..

For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. – I John 3:20

It struck me one more time that I have been doing things my own way through my own heart.

And thanks for this awesome technology that allows us wander off to another world without leaving our seat in our own room. Meeting people online has been bringing change to me ever since I started this out. And once again God is using this to pull me back to where I am suppose to be.

You know how I used to love writing? Well, I’ve been writing nonsense lately because I’ve realized that I’ve been pushing away the One who brings words to me. And thanks to the person behind h3sean.com, who is unknowingly helping me up from this dark situation I am in right now. Just the thought of having young men and women, who choose to be an encouragement to others by giving Godly insights and explanations to everyday circumstances is enough to wake me up once again from the dreary deception of emotions whirling in my soul, disrupting and blurring the direction I’m suppose to take.

Having grown up in a tight Christian family, sometimes the longing to be outside and exploring the world could take your desires to dangerous levels, if not controlled by Godly and Biblical perspective.

I guess there’s nothing more about this year than to thank God for this kind of experiences, opening our eyes to our real direction in life. A new year is about to be flipped over, and I certainly believe that new set chapters are about to be unveiled in this exciting adventure story called life.

Its been busy busy days for me. Aside from doing freelance webdesigning work, I've also opened another business for my mom and sisters to attend to. JMN Collection is new online shop for unique hand made accessories. Thanks so much for my mentor, Sir Em Mariano, for sharing to us his skills and techniques! Here's a glimpse of the products.

Minimalist Stone Cuff

Pearly Cuff

Three-flower Mother Pearl Set

We currently have pending orders for Holiday Gift set, so if ever you want one, just go to: JMN Collections

I was sitting one day at a mall doing a project and, mostly, staring at nothing. I began to be fascinated with people. I looked at them and started thinking to myself about what they could possibly be thinking.

And then I saw this man, seemed to be wandering or waiting for someone. He was rather cute, I admit, so as usual, I began to fantasize – a normal girl’s fantasy. As I was going deeper into my imagination, rhymes began to flood into my thought as well.

This piece was the result. Its a very recent work – a very random one at that. I think, there’s not a day when I go out to the malls nowadays, that a stranger would come up to me, talk to me like they know me all their lives, or simply just smile and stare at me like I have mud all over my body. Sometimes it annoys me, but other times, it just fascinates me.

Strangers

July 20, 2011

I stare at the open space between us
Looking at you from a greater distance
Wondering if I'll ever have you
A stranger I never knew

You glanced this way - but it wasn't to me
You're waiting for someone - that's obvious I see
Still I wonder if I'll be one of the few
Of the strangers you never knew

Its always funny how people react
To this infatuation - frivolous act
Thinking its fine to mingle anew
To strangers they never knew

I know this is a little bit emotion-less and so random but I believe its never too wrong to say what’s on my mind, right? Or, write, what’s on my mind. :)

Thinking of something to write about could be as hard as picking the right dress for an occasion. But during those times that I need to let out something from my heart, expressing them out through my written words is one of my easiest escape.

Especially during those times that I feel like thanking everyone by just simply being there, those are the times that I feel particularly tongue-tied and shy. Those are the times that I would just simply write it out on a piece of paper, and – possibly – stow it away and never give it out.

It’s my flaw really. I couldn’t speak out at the right moment, and when the right moment is there – I couldn’t get to say the right words.
Thank God for written words. They could be such consolation.

This piece was written for those people who stood by me in times when I felt down and worthless. You may be the reason why I felt like so, but I still do thank you now. Because without you, I wouldn’t be who I am right now.

It's definitely one of my grateful-to-have-you poems. But I still hope they get the message.

Without Them

Nov. 9, 2004

Without them, I wouldn't be
Without them, its 'sorry' for me
Losing them would be a total pain
A pleasant friendship I wouldn't regain

Without them here I wouldn't feel
A love so precious and so still
Making brighter my every day
Loving me in a special way

Without them here I would feel so dead
Boring life - would dry my head
If from my side they would be gone
Nothing would be accomplished - nothing could be done

Without them here, I wouldn't live
False accusations I would probably believe
For they are my breath, my life, my voice
Who help me through in my every choice

It just came to my mind this moment that sometimes we people tend to judge someone else by his or her outward appearance. We make fun of their mannerisms, the way they talk, the way they hold their selves in front of a crowd – even the way they laugh. Sometimes we tend to over look the goodness that could possibly come out of them making them look bad and worthless.

I, myself, is guilty of this. I admit that oftentimes I overlook the beauty of a certain individual just because I foresee that he or see could just be another nondescript person.

I almost cried when I read this piece again. It was written with a pencil so the writings now are getting washed out. But when I read through it, it reminded me once again of the person I wrote this about. Penned with such vivacious spirit at that time, I really admired her. Her kindness stuck to me, even until now. I regretted the moment that I lost mocking her every way – making fun of her behind her back. Yet, in spite of it all, she remained true to herself and to the people around her. I realized eventually, that it was her true self that she was showing to everyone – no secrets, no lies. It was – and definitely, still is – the reason why she has been loved and respected by everyone around her. It is true indeed that the kindness you show to a person – random or definite – will never be forgotten. And the person inside you – that kindness and generosity - will truly out shine the flaws and imperfections you have outside.

To that person, I’m sorry. I just hope that you’ll appreciate this sincere apology - for I never wanted to be an enemy to you for the rest of my life.

Her Real Worth

Nov. 9, 2004

Once I met a woman so fair
I like her complexion and her flowing hair
But she hardly ever carry a smile
Yet she conquers hearts on every mile

Once she walks in a gorgeous way
Some folks may think she's such a fay
Oh - but to deem who she can be
She's simply a girl - just like me

She continues to walk without a beam
A frown in her face - as it may seem
She says she's thinking of absolutely nothing
But in her head is certainly something

I used to keep from her a distance
Away from her stance in every instance
I surely have my very own way
So I detached myself - come what may!

Once that girl became my friend
"Oh what would I do with such a fiend!"
But I was mistaken in the end
For every thing to me she kindly lend

It is certainly wrong to judge someone
When you simply don't know what battles she had won
She might not be good - unbecoming outside
But goodness and kindness reside inside.

Now I know what's her real attraction
Why to me she was sent without hesitation
"A friend is worth a thousand gold
its beyond our wits - our hands couldn't hold”.

Its really fascinating how I get easily influenced by what I read – that is, writing-wise.

I remembered reading this book about sister princesses fighting dragons and rescuing each other. It was a beautiful story that it eventually inspired me to write a poem for someone I really cared about.

And this was the finally piece:

I’ll Never Depart

Jan. 2, 2005

No towering castle
No losing battle
No magical fairy
No spiders so hairy
No fire-spitting dragon
No gnawing gryphon
No beguiling specters
No glowing scepters
No spell-casting witches
No gigantic leaches
No fire-bosomed sorcerers
No weeping losers
No one thing to offer
Yet I'm here to suffer
With all my heart
Not knowing where to start
Still I'll never depart

It’s a very simple piece. I think a 1st grade student could actually write it. But knowing myself.. I guess t’was a good start.

Prudent

You look before you leap, think before you act, consider what you're about to say before you open your mouth to speak; that's why you rarely have to eat your words.

You usually don't get excited easily or blurt out the first thing that comes to mind without considering the consequences.

Introspective

You like your own company; you're a very interesting person. Tracking your own mental processes, knowing what you're thinking and why you do what you do, is important to you. Often, what's going on in your mind is more compelling than what's going on outside. For the most part, those with a high score on the "introspective" trait enjoy reading, taking long walks, learning new things, and other solitary activities.

You are not someone who is constantly looking to be among a group of friends; you never feel bored when you are by yourself.

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.

You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

Intellectual

You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas. People find you interesting to talk to. You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day." In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.

You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things. It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.

Original

You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.

You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.

You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Organized

You like to think a task through before you embark on it. If it's the slightest bit complicated, you make a list (even if it's only in your mind) and methodically work your way through it. When you have a goal in mind, you're not satisfied until you reach it.

You are not one of those people who ignore the details, and you don't understand how anyone can get anything accomplished without thoughtful planning ahead of time.

Unflappable

You are not a slave to your emotions. It takes a lot to upset or unnerve you. That's why you're a good person to have around in a crisis.

You don't let it all hang out, which means that those around you often don't know the pressures you're under or what you're going through. You're not the kind of person people run from in a crisis.

Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.

You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.

I just found out that rereading your old writings is a pretty tough stuff. Sometimes you cringe and think if it was really you who wrote and couldn’t believe you had those words in you to express those emotions flowing from within.
I can’t help but wonder how a simple arrangement of words could make a huge statement out of nothing.
Well, as I went through with my search of my old writings, I found this piece that sometimes still occurs in my thoughts. The meaning it conveys could be true to many standing relationships out there, BFF or whatnot..:)

Indifference

(Edited Version – Nov. 24, 2004)

Amidst many a-thousand crowd
With deafining music - that's so loud
I happened to turn around
And you - I found

Sudden emotions rushed through my veins
But only one feeling was suggested by my brain
That you, I will keep forever in my heart
Your image in my mind will never depart

But how can you be such an idiot
In my soul you created a riot
How can you be so indifferent
And misunderstand what I've always meant

Some folks may say we're compatible
And the moments we have shared were unforgettable
But neither your words nor your actions
Could ever verify my wanted emotions.

You laugh, you shout,
You roam in and out
You're busy with your life
Creating fun and even strife

You dance, you sing
You even dare mingling
With other people around you
Who seem to be new and true

But you tend to be forgetting
That one thing which keeps me smiling
ITs the knowing that you care for me
Though its the least I could forsee

How could you be so ignorant
Snubbing a thing which to me is important
We shouldn't be conformed to people's changes
But how can you be struck with such indifference?

Does that make sense??
Anyways, you guys can started guessing who’s the inspiration behind this…:)

Finally a dated piece!! I know some of you will like this. And has definitely been through this.

You remember when you where young and innocent? When a little infatuation could knock you off your feet and make your thoughts go whirling around?

Well, as far as I’m concerned, this is what this next piece was all about. That little gnawing feeling of expectation could totally throw you down, starting subtly from your own thoughts.

The Wind – Like You

Aug. 31, 2004

I lingered amidst the whispering wind
That kissed my cheeks with its charming mist
That combed its fingers through my long, dark hair
And blew its breath upon my skin so fair

I lingered upon these bewildering thoughts
That made my mind twist and turn
I hovered my spirit over the questioning past
And wondered why time is turning so fast.

The host of wind smote my face
And woke my soul with its tickling lace
Upon its restless doubtful haze
As it wondered through an endless maze

My thoughts turned and wheeled
As it pondered of you so real
If you would continue here by my side
Or from me will forever hide

I know for sure you'll never be mine
You heart belongs to another - that's sublime
But like the wind that never can be seen
I hope upon you I still could lean

Oh! how does my thoughts differ now from that before. I could never fathom for the life of me how I could every write such things as these. It sounds so cheesy and so cliché now that I have a deeper, clearer perspective about life and the thing they call ‘love’.
Yet, isn’t it fascinating how this thing could do us good as well as bad? Not only emotionally but also – mentally. :P Think about it.

Do you feel like you’re down lately? No one’s been encouraging you and you feel ever so depressed.?

Well, I guess we’ve all been through that. Whatever our own reasons may be.

This next piece that I found was also undated. But I think I remember writing it because I was blessed someone else was praying for me. I never expected it since that time I felt like no one has really bothered to notice me. I felt so invisible, so unnoticeable.

Yet here was someone who was voluntarily, willingly praying for me. It was truly uplifting and somehow my burden started to lighten.

Someone is Praying

This life is full of struggles, indeed.
You have to fight for what you need
You have to obey and to take heed
Unto all that is good for your deed.

There are too many battles to win
Others even tend to sin
Just to get what they have seen
We really need Someone upon whom to lean

What we see physically
Is different from what we feel emotionally
We have battle spiritually
Which we could not compare intellectually

It is really good to hear though
That in the midst of this someone is praying for you
Even if its beyond what we know
God can help us when we are blue.

If you have problems right now, please do let me know so I could pray for you as well.
Like that someone who whole-heartedly prayed for me when I was down.

I haven’t been writing nicely lately. Words were in my head but I somehow couldn’t get them out. It might be writer’s block although I’m definitely not being a good writer lately.

So instead of describing what’s going on in my life this past few days, I decided to post some of my old works – poems, unsent letters, etc – to liven up my dying blog.

In this case, I would have something to talk about and something that old friends could relate to.

I’ve been thinking about doing this awhile back and it really coincide with the fact that I practically started cleaning and decorating my room.

Yeah, I’m trying to be industrious these days…:)

Besides, I’m the one suffering from my untidiness, what with all the sneezing and coughing that I have had to go through because of the dust – those tiny meticulously destructive objects . They are totally a-pain-in-my-head!!!

Oh, I just remembered the reason why I didn’t post my old poems here or in my old website. T’was because I don’t like plagiarism. And I definitely look down to people who does that.

But right now, I don’t care anymore. I don’t think people read this anyway.

So, hear comes my first find from my first dig through Mr. Dust.

A Place of Silence

This is a place of full of noise
And as if I don’t have anymore choice
I listened to their chatters
Noisy clatters and boisterous laughters

I've been used to a place of silence
Peace and Quietness both in a sequence
A place neat and orderly
Oh, I love it so dearly

How can I transform this place
Into the quietness it ought to face
When can they understand the essence
of the silence that rules the space

Send me some space, send me some time
Send me in a place where silence rules sublime
But give me contentment
So here I'll find no resentment

Oh those goodly days!! This was written in the fourth floor of my Alma Mater. Unfortunately though, it wasn’t dated. I remember waiting for my next class and I was already at that point of depression from the chaotic schemes of college life. I mean, with all the assignments, projects and stuff – my mind was already in a blur. And I wanted silence. Since that was the only thing I know to relax back then. And take note, it was still in my freshmen year. LOL! Good ol’ moments..:)

I know this out of my ordinary blog entries, but I just wanted to post here my new shelf look since I finally decided to give it a little make over last night. I know I have lots of books, but I never thought it could look like `this crowded.

You have done so much to my life. In just four days of your existence this summer, you were used by God to change my perspective in life, especially in my spiritual one.

I know you've created optimistic chaos in the minds of most of the attendees, but for me it only means that the work was effective and created that impact it supposed to create. Without that kind of pressure and stress that you brought into my life, I don't think I will have this kind of view right now. Its brighter and clearer than it has ever been.

When I say 'life', its the one that used to live in. Growing up in a church that started out from mere confusion to complete comprehension of the Bible, I saw the transition in the lives of the people involved. And being part of that people, the activities that they've done have grown to be a part of me to the point that they've become hideous ritual in my everyday routine. There was nothing negative to them but since my spiritual state wasn't actually tuned in right, my way grew dimmer and I slowly started to want something more.

But then you came.

You renewed in me the facts and figures that makes the Bible a more interesting read. You showed me experiences that makes a Christian life worth living in. You showed me challenging ways to love and cherish the people of God more than the material possessions I could ever have. And most especially, you showed me that God is still in control in the lives of all the people and the universe.

It's been a week or two now, but the aftermath of your endeavor still has an effect on me, and never will it go away.

To all your initiators, I applaud you and look up to you. May God take all the glory for all the patience, sufferings, and glory you received. In taking the risk of going out of the traditional way, you created a mark in history by preaching and teaching to us the right doctrine of the King James Bible without hiding anything, without any pretenses and most of all, for free!

I could say nothing more but that.. God might have all the preeminence.

So much has happened in the past days. After all the has been happening to Japan, we all can't help but wonder what's really happening in the world. Some say it is coming to an end and most feared what it's going to be like when it does happen. But despite all that, I think God is only reminding us that life is short and we all must enjoy it, treasure it and be blessed by it.

In this kind of days, as many have to come to realize, I too found out how many things I've been missing out, so many little happiness that I've taken for granted. Family, friends, church - from the little flowers that bloom to the sun that rises in the east - all these things are a total manifestation that God is real and He is great - He is the giver of Life and He takes away life. He holds our life in His hands and all of these blessings come from Him. We only have to acknowledge it and accept it.

Its true. And I lack on that part. The acknowledging and accepting part. Sometimes I could be a little proud, ignoring the tiny events in life that makes great happiness to others, thinking there is always something greater and grander than that. Sometimes I could be snobbish to the little things like plants and dogs. But as days fly by, and as I grow older, those little things suddenly seem to matter so much. A sure sign that I am comprehending what living is all about.

I could regret those times that I never showed how much I cared about someone or something but rather it taught me a harsh lesson now that every tiny details in life, every single event, must be taken all at heart, must be enjoyed and must be treasured. Life is too short to spend in regrets, complaints and worries. Because sure enough we can never know when God will take it all away from us. And there goes the cliche - Live. Laugh. Love.

So here's a little gratitude tags I tend to ignore..

Friends. Yes, they are always there and that gives the risk of taking them for granted. But I am thankful to have them. All of them.

Pets. This is Timmy Addatu. I thank God for you for bringing happiness to your family. And for all the dogs out there, you are a blessing.

Family Gatherings. They happen often so its often quickly forgotten. But it all happens for a reason. :)

Food. This is what they call 'shabu-shabu'. A Japanesse hot-pot. And for all the foods out there. I could never live without you. Regards to the Sweets family..:)

Parents. Yes, they can be hard sometimes, but they are the God-given provider, leader, and authority in ones' life. Of course, I could never be here without you! :)

So much to be thankful for so little words.. But I'm thankful for every single thing and person..

I was changing the layout of my old diary - kind of practicing my coding skills - I stumbled upon my old site, way back 2006. I was slightly moved to realize the fact that my true passion exists online - here on the web. Its amazing how a person can learn so much and still go back to his or her true passion.

Here's a look at my old work:

take a peek: http://jenamae.webs.com

Obviously, I hardly know a thing about graphics/image preservation or something like that..:)

And here's the one I recently updated. Thanks to shabbyblogs.com for the images.

take a peek: http://jenamae.diaryland.com

I think I should set a date to celebrate my online presence..what do you think?

Just got back from another inspiring event last Sunday. Those kinds of events are really for those serious in their life. And those who wants to get rich and successful in a good way.

But one thing I learned about in these trainings, was that you've got find your WHY. In all of our walks in life, there must be a real reason or purpose for us to pursue it. And finding your 'emotional WHY' will help us make it through all the ups and downs in every aspects of life. The inspiration it brings surpasses all tangible reasons in this world and with it each of us can conquer our greatest fears in life.

Thanks for digging that into my being.

Here are some photos from the said event.

Some of the key people of the event:

Add caption

Just after the event, as people are, taking memorabilia is always part of the game.

I was looking through my files again and I found this unpublished blog entry of mine dated November 3, 2009. It's an entry within an entry and I thought it was a little hilarious reading it now..:)

…… I feel like I have run out of words to write. Even now, it still seem true. What do I need to write that's worth a time reading?

Because knowing my life, there's really nothing interesting. I sleep, (usually late at night), I wake up in the morning (usually very late too), I eat, and I sit in front of the computer, clicking away my boredom.

There are times that I feel totally dejected and useless because, right now, I'm done with college and I'm definitely jobless.

Not that I haven't been accepted to any jobs. It was because I quit all my previous jobs since I never 'loved' it.

And its not that I haven't tried applying anywhere yet. In fact, I'm on the waiting list in the company where my dad works.

So, basically what I do to pass away my time every day, is sit in front of my laptop, fidget with websites and think about particularly nothing.

Lately though, as I mentioned in my previous entry, I was mysteriously bothered by the thought of my elongated presence on the internet.

I mean, my blogging presence.

When I googled my name, I saw a list of many websites linking and pointing their finger at me. Sites that I joined years ago. I got sacred. Literally. Sacred that I have stripped off myself too much online and there was nothing more I can hide from people anymore, both online and offline.

Especially when I read about those people who were being stalked because they put too much information online, enough for them to be traced to their real life address and be raped or kidnapped or something. Now that is scary, because I don't want to be stalked. Ever.

My real (offline) friends know that I keep an online journal and that I am an internet geek. But to what extent have they known my existence online, I have no idea.

I have diminutive idea if they really read my entries or not. I receive little comments and mostly they were from people I really don't know personally. And even in real life, I receive little comments.

Until now.

Someone told me that he has read through my old online diary - every bits and pieces of it - and has been following this one every since.

Now if that would be true to most of the people I know, then I'm dead.Not literally, idiot. But emotionally dead.

I mean, I am this quiet girl in real life. Who, at first meeting, would be really tight-lipped whom you would prefer throwing a plateful of sticky rice at. I am not that vocal about what I think and what I feel. I'd rather shy away in a corner and observe what you are doing, until such a time that you come to me and force me to talk.

And with someone reading my thoughts and feelings in a place I personally reserved for my emotions and playful thoughts, it feels pretty threatening.I thought I have gotten through with this apprehension, but as I looked over my past online existence, every strands of my hair seemed to stick out of its pores. Figuratively - again.

Maybe I shouldn't have started getting online in the first place. But everything is too late for me now. I feel totally emptied in front of everybody.

Maybe this is what I'm destined to be - an open diary. My life is an open diary….

That was just an excerpt from my online journal dated August 12, 2009.

As a teen, I became really fond of online journaling. At that stage, I signed in to different websites just to promote my online diary. Knowing that I was obscure behind my computer screen and no one would notice me or even take interest in my life, I almost did everything to spread my identity online. But as I grew older, my interest to online blogging seemed to diminish little by little, maybe because my attention was diverted to more important things in life, like college. Then, there was this time that I googled my name, just out of curiosity. I was amazed at how many sites had my name listed on it. At first I was excited but then anxiety kicked in. What if somebody starts to stalk me in real life? What if somebody kidnaps me and asks for ransom from my parents? Or what if the FBI finds out that I download files from Limewire and bans my IP address? I mentally panicked, literally, so I googled for some tips to remain indistinct while maintaining my online identity. Here are some common considerations that I found:

1. Do Not Post Private Information.

Avoid posting personal information such as your home address, contact numbers, and personal information and relations. These can invite someone to be interested in you. I personally don’t put my home address and personal contact number online. I keep that for somebody I know personally.

2.Do Not Post Your Hobbies.

These are just some stuff that can attract stalkers to you. They’ll await your every move and possibly use it to hunt your current location.

3. Do Not Post Obvious Photos.

Avoid posting photos that can give away your location or your constant hang out. This can lead stalkers to your favorite place and can do damage to you in one way or another. Better yet, do not post your pictures at all. Plastering your face all over the internet can cause you much trouble.

4. Do not post inappropriate dialogues.

Badly chosen words and phrases can offend someone within your circle of friends. It can cause trouble with people you already know personally which can be far worse than having a bunch bullies around you.

According to Sharon Housley, “While blogging can be a great outlet and channel, and in some way immortalizing thoughts, it is important that safety is considered and that good blogging practices are followed at all times.”

Always remember to be cautious with your online ways. You wouldn’t know who and what kinds of people are watching your every move.

About me

jenamaen.com is a hub where I share unique travel destinations I have seen, distinctive novels and other books I have read, beauty products, and fashion innuendos I have tested, and quirky handcrafted stuff I have created. It is a lifestyle blog of an intricate mind.