Anderson Cooper Is A Real Journalist

As you may know, Anderson Cooper now has his own daytime talk show, which is every journalist’s dream, I’m sure. Apparently, it’s some kind of “male version” of Ellen, which is not actually a thing, so it is basically just Ellen. There was a clip going around a week or two ago in which Anderson Cooper got a spray tan with Snooki and some people were making light of this clip because they pointed out that Anderson Cooper had spent his career entering warzones and reporting actual news stories and now he was getting a spray tan with Snooki, but the truth is that getting a spray tan with Snooki is a pretty reasonable light-hearted celebrity profile segment, which is what people with daytime talk shows make. So, sure. I’m much more fascinated by this new clip in which Anderson Cooper tries coffee and spinach for the first time. WHAT?! First of all, how are you going to be an adult human being in the year 2011 who lives in New York City and is the descendent of robber barons and you have a successful television career and you’ve never at least TRIED coffee and/or spinach? What’s the matter with you? What a piece of shit! I mean, I know that life is long and complicated and sometimes things just happen, but open your mouth and open your mind, buddy! Even more importantly, though, HOW IS THIS A TELEVISION SHOW?! Who cares?! Is there something about coffee and spinach that I’m not aware of? Are those somehow endlessly fascinating things to watch people experience for the first time? Based on the clip the answer to those two questions is “NOPE”:

I love that he takes one sip of coffee and declares “I don’t get it.” Right. You are probably the most thoughtful and interesting thinker of our time. They’re changing the name of the Peabody Awards to the Coopers. The worst part about this whole thing is how dull and fake it is. Like, taking your first sip of coffee ever on your TV show and immediately declaring that you don’t get it and then taking a bite of spinach and making a face and going “that’s gross!” is so pre-planned and rehearsed and has nothing to do with your actual first reaction to a new thing. It’s boring and childish. Good show. Hold on, I’m calling the cable company and seeing if there’s a way to get a second DVR box just to record this show (so that I never have to delete an episode to make space for BONES) (just kidding, still do not know what Bones is). The best part, though, of course, is the audience LOSING ITS MIND. “LOOK AT HIS FACE HE IS EATING SPINACHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!HH!H!H!H!H!H!!H!H!”

Anyway, just thought you should know about this cool new show from a very smart journalist. Anderson Cooper. Check your local listings!!!!

Guys, I’ve been having a stressful week, and a very real problem I have when I get stressed out is that my normal sense of humor goes away and I start making puns. Yesterday I was texting a friend about how I had lied a few weeks ago to someone about my car acting funny to get out of going somewhere, and this week it crapped out. I called it “carma.” I am not proud.

I would judge, but guys, I have to confess: I strongly suspect that I have never (knowingly) had kale.

Of course, I grew up on the cheap lettuce that comes in a bag (you know the kind that was all white, with the sad carrot shavings and I think red cabbage but I am still not sure) because my family are not Vanderbilts. Also, I am working on expanding my green knowledge. Did you guys know that greens are great? They are great! And brussels sprouts are really good when not boiled for 7 hours! My mind was blown when I found that out.

Anderson Cooper looks like a robot whose batteries got turned off mid-grimace in that screenshot. And also not entirely unlike that one Jeff Dunham puppet. In a related story, Jeff Dunham is shopping around a daytime talk show that is like the homophobic version of Ellen, but with puppets so it’s not really homophobic.

Most Viewed

Last spring the world got a brief preview of Once Upon A Time In Shaolin, the secret Wu-Tang Clan album that will be released in a limited edition of 1 and auctioned off to the highest bidder. That might be all most of us hear from the project for the rest of our… More »

Kanye West debuted his much-leaked single "All Day" at the Brit Awards last week, and now a studio version has emerged. The So Help Me God song's bouncy, bass-heavy beat also features verses from Allan Kingdom and Theophilus London, and a massive "Monster"/"Black Skinhead"-style riff slices through the track from time… More »

Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" was one of the defining jams of summer 2012, but it was the sort of song that screamed "one-hit wonder" from the rooftops. Well, that's not going to be the case. Today, Jepsen comes back with a new single called "I Really Like You," and it is absolute top-shelf… More »

Mumford & Sons have announced the details of their third full-length, Wilder Mind, and it's bound to sound pretty different from the rest of the folk-rock group's output. As As they told Rolling Stone, the band went completely electric for the new album, ditching the folkier elements that catapulted them to fame. "We felt… More »

Kanye West has announced the title of his new album. It will be called So Help Me God, and that's presumably the cover art up above. It appears to be a 13th Century monastic symbol for the Virgin Mary according to this conspiracy theory website Google Image Search turned up. We were just More »