Since last night’s debate, speculation has run rampant as to the cause of Donald Trump’s serial sniffling, which began just after lie #1 and continued right through lie #1,894. Trump himself denies that he sniffled at all, which is tantamount to claiming he has never played a round of golf in his life. We have video of Trump playing golf; we have video of Trump sniffling throughout the debate. Why in the world would he deny something so palpably perceivable to those of us blessed with the senses of sight and hearing?[1]

Obviously, the most likely reason for his sniffling is that he’s suffering from a cold or allergies, but given the hoopla he’s created surrounding Hillary’s health, Trump’s admitting he has a cold would be a sign of weakness. In the not-so-fun house of Trump’s unimaginative imagination, Hillary’s immune system is shot, ruined by the stress brought on because of her husband’s infidelities. Donald J, on the other hand, has a fantastic immune system, a tremendous immune system. He could share a joint with John Keats, blow his nose with George Orwell’s hankie, French kiss a hacking Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and swagger away TB free.

More exotic reasons for those audible inhalations could lie in some sort of reaction to Hillary’s perfume or Lester Holt’s aftershave or some rogue ingredient in his spray tan; however, what immediately came to my mind, and into the minds of a number of worthies on my Twitter feed, was that Donald — sniff — has a — sniff — cocaine problem.

We’ve all known someone with a coke, problem, right? Chronic cocaine snorting irritates the nasal septum, which can result in a perpetual running nose or chronic nosebleeds. Also, cokeheads tend to get agitated and restless. Donald was certainly that last night, and his frequent sniffling sounded like a coke addict’s sniffling, but it didn’t look like a coke addict’s sniffling. For whatever reason, a coke sniffler is constantly bringing his hand up to his nose and messing with in as he sharply inhales, almost as if he’s doing “air coke” the way some people play “air” guitars. Also, there’s an accompanying clenching of the jaw in and widening of the eyes as the head leans forward then back that cokeheads do, and Trump did not do that strange head dance at all.

So even though an immense, spectacular, Olympian, (i.e., Trumpian) coke habit might explain why he has clients funnel money into his foundation, I suspect his sniffling last night can’t be attributable to his shoveling snow.