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752: Family of One

Having a hard time with the family aspect lately. Hearing of new babies, first steps, exciting family events… It’s overwhelming. I miss my husband so damn bad. Some part of me still believes that if I tell him enough of how much I love him and miss him that he’ll magically reappear from the grave. Whole. Both him and I.

I am still so broken and don’t know if I will ever find myself again.

I have generally been doing well lately but there are always days like this. They still come out of nowhere. They still suck. The recovery from a meltdown does not take as long as it once did, but the pain is always there. My brain has somehow shielded me from half of my memory because I simply cannot survive without him by my side. I pretend like I know what I’m doing and that each day isn’t painful to live. I think I’m convincing everyone. Sometimes even myself.

Alone in this big house. Just me. No husband. No children. No sound. I know I need to move at some point, but it’s not the time for that yet. Until then, our baby bedding remains in the closet, unused. I am my family of one.