It took me 2 years to finally move on from all the pain and sabi sa cliché time heal all wounds at napatunayan ko nanaman nga na totoo yan. Time really did heal all the wounds, hindi lang sakin pati na rin sa dati kong friends.

Okay, let me start off by saying that I cannot wait until Mercury finishes its retrograde. I can’t emphasize enough how stressful it has fucking been!!

Saturday – I was supposed to be at home but I had to work on a few articles in the office so I had to go to work. It’s not at all that bad, my day went like a breeze and it’s alright. Fast forward to going home.

Went home, had a handful of cashews for merienda and waited for my mom. We just had a quick chitchat and Kyx and I agreed on going with our friends to a gig in Paranaque.

As I was changing my clothes and getting ready for it, I realized that most of my good stuff were at my mom’s house and I have nothing but office clothes at Kyx’s house. He suddenly blurted out “magpapayat ka na kasi para hindi ka mahirap bihisan”. Right then and there it only took 5 seconds for me to go ape shit on him. I was so wild I had to find it in me to control myself. It was so hard because I want to rip him apart! As in gagoooo ka baaaa???? Are you fucking body shaming me???? As in I want to strangle him so bad, I want to turn into a hyena and just wag him off from my mouth like fucking crazy. I was so mad.

(just a disclaimer: I have been on a diet for so long but losing weight is just so hard. If only I have all the time in the world, I’d go boxing 24/7 but I have 6 days of work in a week, traffic is so bad in Metro Manila, healthy food is super expensive, so tell me? Would it be easy to fucking work out after a stressful day at the office + 2 hours travel time? Not to mention boxing is also expensive! I do workouts at home and even Yoga but it won’t help me lose a ton of weight in a flash okay? Okay fuck you okay? Ahah)

We were arguing for a good 2 hours or so and we had to cancel with our friends because I was crying so hard and Kyx was also angry at himself and in the whole situation.

(As in ang lala. Nagaaway kami because I was so fucking hurt with his stupid comment. Like????) and it escalated pa because he retorted that he wants to be proud of me daw and I went ape shit again kasi ARE YOU NOT PROUD OF ME YET? Hahahah as in tangina, I am doing the best I can and I’m losing weight because I want to, not because people want to look at me and say I’m pretty and hot and sexy??? So???

As in hindi natatapos. I don’t know how it happened but Kyx apologized and I cried some more. He explained himself and told me he wasn’t body shaming me (eh ano lang?!?!?!?!) and said na maybe his words weren’t right or maybe he could have said it better and after 2 hours, we’re ready to go.

Of course we didn’t make it to the gig and so we just hung out at a restobar in the streets of Makati. Chill place, awesome friends to hangout with, overall good shit. We even played beer pong. Airah and Digs came too. It was a fun night until that home along da riles experience.

After drinking, around 2 in the morning, we decided to eat at SEX (Sinangag Express located in Makati), we all had a few drinks, we decided to Waze our way to SEX. Fucking Waze led us to the PNR riles and it went downhill from there.

We were panicking so hard but Kyx managed to find the road back, reached SEX and we’re good.

UNTIL we saw that our tire was slashed!!!!

Kyx thinks it was slashed by bolts or the train thing from the railway. Naloka ako. The tire is so fucking flat. As in.

Kyx had to change the tire and it was a fucking funny experience. Good thing Kyx knows everything he needs to know with basic car stuff like this. Hayyyyy. We were almost fucking doomed! Hahahaha (akalain niyo sa payat niyang yun he managed to change his tires! haha okay, stop with the body shaming thing)

Our friends were there and they helped us, laugh with and at us. Kakaloka!

We got home at around 5 in the morning and overall, it was a fun Saturday/Sunday. It’s just a crazy weekend. But I can’t say I hated the experience, I somehow learned a lot from everything that happened and I loved how the day turned out. (Kahit we will shell out 20k because Kyx wanted a new set of tires na HAHAHA)

I guess the good thing was that even though the situation is so stressful, no one was in a bad mood. As in everyone was laughing like crazy and trying to get out of this bad tire situation–even Kyx was laughing his ass off! God’s grace saved us that day. ❤

Putting “love like Jesus” to practice is hard but fulfilling, refreshing even if I am being completely honest.

Sunday, May 27, 2018 at church, we were told about Love being the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That even if we are given the gifts of the Holy Spirit and do not have the fruit, everything goes to waste.

The fruit that they are saying is Love and the indication of Love and the basis of it is to love like Jesus. Like the kindness and the most understanding heart there is in the face of the eart, that’s the kind of love you will need to have within you.

When someone pisses you off, instead of being mean to that person or giving that person the taste of their own medicine, choose to love like Jesus.

When your partner is being extra difficult, choose to love like Jesus.

When we are insulted, scrutinized in the most embarrassing way, instead of dwelling on anger and shame, choose to love like Jesus.

How to do that? See the best in these people, see the good in a bad situation. Choose to see the light. Do not give in to pride, anger, sorrow, pain. Look for the love inside your heart .

Someone in the office is being extra mean to me. Making me feel unworthy, making me feel that somehow, sometimes I am not welcome. This person makes me feel like she is a friend but her meanness would radiate and being an emphatic and an INFJ, I know very well someone’s intentions and feelings towards me. I just don’t do well with confrontations but I know well what they think of me. Now, that person tests me every day—today included. But since learning about how to love like Jesus, I am putting it to practice. I will not give in to the mean acts of this person. I will not feel negatively or feel hurt. All I will do is be the best that I am, and try seeing that person on a different light. You know it’s hard to love like Jesus right? It’s hard when people are extremely brutal, it’s hard when you get bullied, it’s hard when you are so determined to stand up for yourself just this once but come to think of it, it will be easier to just let it go and love instead of harbouring pain, anger and hurt. Mas mahirap magbitbit ng mga bagaheng nakakasakit kaysa sa bitawan ito ng tuluyan.

I keep starting off my blog posts with “a year ago..” blah blah blah and it’s getting really annoying but really, I think I’m starting off with that phrase or something similar so bear with me.

It was almost a year ago, it was in July. I was in the middle of moving on, I’m trying every morning to keep going but it was so hard for me ya know? So usually, I’d write about my feelings and a few of you guys who have turned into my online friends, will help me through comforting words, pieces of advice and a lot of encouragement. One of the few who have helped me in a really personal level was Zhengfan. I asked him how I can heal from the traumatic experience and he emailed me his “1 cent” in the matter. When I read that, I felt really good and encouraged. But reading what he wrote after almost a year has passed, I feel different!!! I mean I still feel good and encouraged but something clicked inside me, it’s like everything made perfect sense and I can’t quite pinpoint how and why but the feeling is overwhelmingly amazing!

Here’s a snippet of what he wrote and this helped me a lot. More than I can say, more than I could ever explain.

“Think of your problems as a spoonful of salt. What happened when your turn this spoonful of salt in a glass of water? Damn salty. But what if you pour this spoonful of salt into the gushing river? You won’t even notice its existence. Go accumulate your happiness, and let them wash those haunting thoughts in your mind right now, just like the river washing away the salt into oblivion.”

So if you are going through a shitty time, look back in this post and check the quote. It helped me, it might help you too.

To Zhengfan, Thank you my friend. The rest will be written in the email I’ll be sending! Haha

I wrote a lot of things but I wasn’t able to post it because I want the photos to be uploaded as well. However, I was not able to transfer my photos so I probably would wait ‘til the weekend to post all the things on my draft!

First of all, I can’t wait to share with you all how I have been focusing on myself, my growth and everything that I am working on for my own betterment.

Second, hindi halata but I am terribly missing my friends in the blogosphere. I haven’t had much time to even talk to my friends (Hi TFIOB people heheh) because work is super TOXIC. AS IN. (everyday tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung kaya ba today? Haha)

Third, I have been stuck in my 67 kg weight before and after Palawan mainly because I have not been working hard on the strict diet that I have on my mind plus I have only gone boxing once (yesterday) ever since my Palawan trip so that’s almost a month of NO EXERCISE. God, bless my soul josko huhu.

Fourth, I am trying my best to go back to blogging. To be where I was back then. Always writing, always interacting. PLEASE pray for me. HALP! Haha It’s so hard for me, idk why. I just. Hayyy. Basta help me powzzz hehe.

Fifth, I did tell you guys about my birthday (or I haven’t posted that one yet?) Basta my birthday was fun and it wasn’t terrible unlike last year! I AM SO BLESSED this year huhu.

Sixth, I am still on the lookout for a new job. I don’t think I’ll still be sane if I stay for more than 5 months pa. HALP!

It has been a year my friends, The journey, my journey—our journey will begin in about 2 days from now. Tomorrow, the 8th of April Manila, Philippines time, my life will change, everything will turn upside down and I wouldn’t know where to start. You guys then will be my support, my strength and my fortress.

What a year it has been!!! I couldn’t believe that it has been a year already and look at me, all moved on and not hurt or pissed anymore! There are hiccups along the way, losing friends—my best friends (or so I though) was not easy and you helped me get back on track. You all here, helped me one way or another. I felt like I was drowning or even being buried but you helped me get back on my feet. That’s intense!

So to celebrate the year it has been and my 27th birthday here are my goals or resolutions or to-dos hahaha.

I’ll be more around, more present.

I’ll try to be more interactive, I swear I am trying my best hahaha.

I will continue to change for the better.

To everyone who continue to read whatever I have to write and listen to whatever I want to say, thank you. Thank you for being there.

Aside from all the ganaps in the office, I wanted more space for myself hence the little hiatus but I’m still on twitter anyway. I guess that’s the INFJ in me. Bigla biglang nawawala hahaha. I hope you understand. I needed to focus on healing myself emotionally. I went to church (almost) every Sunday, I went boxing about 2 to 3 times a week, I worked on myself so that I could give or share more of myself to you diba hehehe.

If you’re a person like me and you put (waste) too much time thinking about a lot of things (even those that is not worth your time) then this is probably going to help you (us, both) face this reality.

There are things we know already yet we can’t grasp the idea unless someone else makes us realize. Thing is, I’ve been on this loop for quite a while now and I know the answers to my questions, I just can’t seem to accept it the way it is.

Truth is, some people, they forget us. They erase us so easily from their systems and are not even bothered by our absence. We don’t know for sure if they don’t think about us or secretly hope for the best for us but half of the time, they don’t think about us anymore and that’s the bitter thing we have to accept. I have to accept.

I have come to terms with myself to minimize talking about it but there are moments when I can’t help but pop out questions as to why there are people like that, why I feel this way, what should I do etc etc. I rarely do it now though (A and Kate know my moments lels)

Here are the heart ripping things I have learned and I should remember from this day forward:

You can’t expect people to feel the way you feel for them. Like let’s say you long for them, you can’t expect them to do the same and long for you. It doesn’t work that way. Most of the time, feelings are not as mutual as we want them to be.

They can erase you in their life as easy as pea and that’s probably confusing and puzzling and hard to accept especially if these people have been a huge part of your life; you can’t do anything about it but accept that YOU. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. ERASED. Poof! Just like that!

Some people will not care whether you exist or have existed or not. You’re just a mere dust to them and they won’t even bother. They won’t feel your absence as much as you feel theirs.

Memories are good where they should be left in the first place—the past. Memories are in the past and that shouldn’t keep you from moving forward. You think about all the happy things then you get sad then you go through the whole shithole of a cycle again and that keeps you from moving the fuck on (note to self lol)

You can’t continue to feel bad over and over again for the same reason. You have to suck it all up one way or another and deal with it in order to survive.

I think I have blasted all these tiny details in my head and living it out is far more harder than I thought it would but I’m getting there. The dreams still have not stopped but they will. Soon, I guess.

And to end this as blatant as I possibly could for my own good I’d say…

Girl, kung nagawa ka namang kalimutan agad na walang remorse manlang or reflection from them and acceptance ng kamaliang nagawa nila then so be it. Wag nating hintayin na marealize nila yun because it will be too late when they do at para saan pa? Para ano pa? Kahit naman magsorry sila or maisip nila yung mali nilang nagawa wala na rin namang mangyayari at wala nang babalikan. Stop comforting yourself with the idea na you’ll finally get the closure you *deserve* when they realize the wrong things they did kasi baka nga matagalan ang realization nila na yun. Let’s not expect them to feel sorry for you and for what they did kasi hindi lahat ng tao reflective. “Ganon lang kadaling makalimutan ka” you ask? Eh ganon talaga. Not everyone is like you who holds and treasure memories close to your heart. Minsan tinatapon nalang nila sa basurahan kasi baka for them, it’s not worth it. Ganon na lang din isipin mo.