Life is Wonderful

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I've had this pain in my left thumb for a few days now. It hurt right at the joint connecting my thumb to the rest of my hand. The pain had been tolerable, just a little annoying. I figured I had slept on it funny and that it would feel better in a few days. Needless to say, I was wrong.

I tossed and turned all last night. The pain kept me up. When I woke up the next morning I called me dad and he told me that he thought I should go the the ER. It was hurting really bad. I didn't want to drive with how bad my hand hurt, so I called my friend, Jessica, but her phone was turned off. That's when I started feeling sorry for myself. I know all my other good friends were busy or out of town and I knew that Jessica was really the only person I could ask. Jessica has always "mothered" me a little. She's been a big sister to me since I met her my freshman year. Anyways, I went into full panic mode. I started crying like a baby. I haven't cried in a really long time! It wasn't the pain, really. I just felt very much alone. I hated the idea of driving to the hospital alone and waiting for hours in that horrible waiting room. Probably the worst experience I ever had in my life took place in an emergency room and I just didn't want to be there alone.

Just when I had resigned myself to going alone, Jessica called. Thank Heavens! Of course she dropped everything and came to pick me up. She drove me to urgent care and stayed with me the entire time. Jessica had her Wedding Shower yesterday, so she was pretty tired, but she took care of my anyways. Now that is a friend! She made my feel less alone in the world. It's wonderful to have a friend like that.

Well, they did X-Rays and the doctor diagnosed me with tendonitis. I have to wear a brace for two weeks and if it doesn't start feeling better in a couple of days I have to start physical therapy. Pooey! Now you might be wondering what caused this tendonitis. The only thing I can think of is the many times I've lifted those 7-year-olds up to reach the monkey bars. Well, no more lifting for me.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Well, the bachelorette party that I have been planning has completely changed. And I am relieved about that. I think these changes are good changes, but it was stressful to make them. I don't know... I find it so hard to please everyone all of the time. And trust me, it's something I work very hard at. I feel like I try so hard to be agreeable all of the time that when I finally lose my temper, people think I'm being unreasonable because they are so used to me being complacent. Aaaaaaaah!!! Maybe I need to work on being more of a bitch. That way when I lose my temper it won't surprise anyone. I am trying my best. Let me just say that. I am trying to be a good teacher, counselor, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, organizer, writer, mother to a dog, roommate, bridesmaid, PERSON! And don't get me wrong, I relish being all of these things. I love it! It just can be a little much at time. It is hard trying to be perfect, especially when you know you are nowhere NEAR perfect. Again, let me say that I am trying my best and will continue trying my best. Just allow me my moments of humanity now and again. It keeps my sane. :)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I have had a lovely weekend. It was pretty hot; in the high 80s. Every time I found myself beginning to complain about the heat, I stopped myself; remembering a few weeks ago when I was longing for this weather.After the excitement of Friday night, I was looking forward to a nice relaxing day. I woke up early and went to boot camp and MAN, my ass is sore! I must not work those muscles very much, but it felt good. Later, I met Hannah and Jason at the SAM (Seattle Art Museum). They had an Impressionism exhibit with all of my favorites: Monet, Degas, Morisot, Pissarro. They were all there! The collection was nice, but they came no where near to the collections at the museums I went to in Rome and Paris. In a way, I think Europe ruined art for me. After the museum I got yummy takeout from Bahn Thai (soooo good) and vegged out for the remainder of the evening.Today I went to church with George. It's funny, but I'm finding myself more and more drawn to non-Catholic Christian churches. I really like George's church: Bethany Community Church, and the message it gives. Their approach to Christianity is more practical: what can we do to be better people, to give back to the community, and to help others? That's a message I can relate to. At the same time I am hesitant to leave the faith that I grew up with. Catholicism with all of it's faults, is still a faith I'm still drawn to. I think I might find it difficult to cut off ties with the Virgin and with people I strongly admire, like Father Arnold Weber from Holy Name, Mother Theresa, and Pope John Paul II. It would also break my mother's heart. Food for thought.I also went on a nice walk with Maddy up to Queen Anne Ave today. We enjoyed the sun and I got to sip on an ice cold soy green tea latter. Poor Maddy is so hot now, though. She is just lying on the linoleum with her tongue hanging out. All in all, it was a nice, lax weekend with lots of food for thought. :)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Yesterday was very strange! Well, I twisted my ankle and scraped my knee. I guess that's not that strange. I tend to injure myself on a fairly regular basis. It was annoying and embarrassing though. There was a gap in the sidewalk outside the hardware store where I bought a sprinkler for the camp kids. Needless to say, I tripped and fell and swore and then limped to my car. That's not all that strange, but it did happen yesterday, so I thought I should include it.

Strange thing #1: I was taking a break at work and checking my email. I noticed that the name Jesse had popped up on my googletalk buddy list. I thought that was very strange. Jesse was the guy that I had had a brief fling with several months ago. I had really liked him and was a little disappointed when I never heard from him again. Well, he messaged me while I was checking my email. I was at work, so I couldn't chat, but I told him that I would talk to him later. So, later that day I finally talked to him. It started out normal enough. We talked about what we had been up to for the past few months. Finally, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him why he was messaging me after such a long time. He told me that he wanted to apologize for his behavior. He felt bad and embarrassed about taking so long to get in touch with me. He also admitted that he had been thinking a lot about me lately; about how I was doing and about what had happened between us. I told that I had just ended a relationship with somebody who hadn't given me what I needed and I didn't want to jump into anything like that again. I suggested being friends and he agreed. Let's see if we can actually accomplish that.

Weird thing #2: Melody woke me up in the middle of the night last night to tell me that someone had broken into the apartment directly below ours. She had woken up to flashlights shining through her window. She heard a police officer and the apartment manager talking about what happened. She was freaked out! We made sure all the doors and windows were locked and then Melody pulled her air mattress into my room so she wouldn't be alone. We didn't hear anything about it today. I'm a little freaked out because Melody is out of town this weekend. I'll be okay, though. I have Maddy! A ferocious attack dog!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I have been learning to stand up for myself lately. It's funny. I find it so easy to stand up for myself with some people. Well, really only my family. I have no problem standing up to them. I think this is because they are my family and I know they will love my no matter what. I have a much more difficult time standing up for myself with, well... everybody else. I am definitely non-confrontational with most people. Even with my friends.I have lost good friends in the past for stupid reasons. I have lost friends without any explanations or answers. This makes me afraid to say anything that might upset a friend or might make them think less of me. I just want to avoid any problems I have had in the past. What people need to understand is that after my break-up with Shbob I lost EVERY SINGLE FRIEND I had in Madison with the exception of two. Of those friends, one of them stuck by me for a few months, but then stopped returning my calls or responding to my emails. To this day, I have no idea why. The other, I am still friends with. After two years at Madison, I have one real friend that I speak to on a fairly regular basis.Thank God I have my girls in Seattle and wonderful childhood friends, Susan and Nnennia. I am able to be honest with them about what I am feeling most of the time. Still, there are times I am afraid. I feel like I need to be cheerful and happy and optimistic all of the time. Maybe this is because of what I put my friends through after my break-up. It was a difficult time to be my friend. Heck, it was a difficult time to be me.I have been allowing people to walk all over me. I have been so non-confrontational lately that I have gone without things I need in order to make life easier for other people. Take one of my colleagues. I have spent a lot of time being a good friend to her. I took her out to dinner for her birthday and when she was sick I went to the grocery story after a long day at work to buy her soup and medicine. I have been a great friend. However, when this friend does something unfair to me, even inappropriate to me at work, I ignore it. Why? Because I am so afraid of confrontation. I am so afraid of being disliked. This made my last months of school difficult. I should have talked to her about it, but I just didn't have the backbone.What am I trying to say? I don't even really know. I guess I am trying to explain that it is difficult for me to stand up for myself, to confront somebody about something. I guess I want my friends (and everyone else who comes across this blog) to understand this difficulty and to somehow help my stand up for myself and get what I need for myself. I've taken a small step in standing up for myself. After all, I did end things with J. I need some help, though. Teach me a happy medium between the queen of confrontation of my past and the mousy girl with no backbone of today.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Well, I did it. I finally did what was best for me in my relationship with J. And what was best for me was to end it. It was a scary thing for me to do. I dislike being alone. I surround myself with people constantly and it was nice to have a guy in my life, however superficial our relationship was. And it was superficial. He couldn't give me what I need, which is a real relationship. And I told him exactly that. I told him that I needed more than he could give me and that I couldn't continue to see him. The hardest part was leading up to telling him. It was a really hard thing to do. But once I did it I felt amazingly light. I felt relieved. It was the right thing to do. I feel like I can finally say that I deserve better and I'm sick of settling because I'm afraid of being alone. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who's not right for me.

I think I'm going to spend the summer working on me. I'm going to improve myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm going to work on being happier with the person I am. Believe me, I've come miles from the person I used to be. My self-confidence and love of life has dramatically increased in the past year. However, the fact that I keep finding myself in relationships with less than savory men just because they give me a little attention proves that I have a little more work to do. I'll get there, though. :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Okay, so in reality I know that I'm really smart, but I do really dumb things at time. So, I have super sensitive skin and I burn really easily and I know this. So why do I continue to go out without sunscreen? Stupid, huh? I am a skin cancer victim waiting to happen. I think it's the Dutch in me. My dad has a very fair complexion. He's blonde, blue-eyed, and freckled. My grandfather actually had skin cancer. I need to be careful. It's only mid-June and this is the second sunburn I've had this year.The worst sunburn I ever had was when I was in Rome during college. Rena, another girl, and I went to the beach and the sun was really hot. I DID WEAR SUNSCREEN THOUGH! However, it didn't matter. I got the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life. I actually got blisters on my back. It was painful to wear clothes. I had to get help to change clothes. HORRIBLE!!!Tomorrow I'm going to buy sunscreen and I'm going to wear it! I swear! I'll need to working at a summer camp. :)