Theresa May: ‘Hi there, I’d like to order some opposition please?’

Prime Minister Theresa May has been caught by senior staff attempting to order in “some kind of opposition” to the Cabinet Office Sunday evening.

The rumours circling around Number 10 suggest that she is completely fed up with Jeremy Corbyn’s inability to show any kind of resistance to her policies.

She’s now resorting to various phone-in businesses local to Number 10, simply requesting the most measly morsel of coherent dissent or disagreement, in an effort to make her job a little more fun and interesting.

“Having the Labour Party as your political opponents is a bit like playing Italy in the Six Nations,” suggested one Cabinet source, “they’re unkempt, unjustifiably passionate, and totally inept. You’re always going to win.”

The breaking point for the PM was purportedly the Copeland by-election – the first by-election win for a sitting government in 35 years.

Since the victory, Mrs May has become increasingly exasperated with her government’s totally unchallenged domestic agenda. “You just want someone to offer some kind of rebuke, challenge or thoughtful response to your ideas. At the moment, it’s like shooting fish in a political barrel. You can’t blame her, really,” concluded the source.

It is not yet clear which firms the PM has been contacting, although Claire’s Accessories may be on the list.