A Clockwork Critic

Image: Warner Bros./Photofest

A young miscreant named Alex has been sent to us for rehabilitation. So we’re showing him films, which he reviews using his “nadsat” slang. Each movie has a color in the title, à la A Clockwork Orange. Can you name them all?

1/ “This devotchka ticks off a lighter, who makes her zasnoot until seven malenky vecks and a chelloveck get her off her podooshka, and then it’s all horrorshow.”

2/ “A chasso takes pity on a plenny in the staja and learns he can heal bolnoy lewdies in the barry places. But he oobivats the plenny anyway and is all platchy about it.”

3/ “Hearing her moodge is dead, a zheena lubbilubs with a godman. but fillying him gets her a mark on her groody to skazat she’s a sod. This sinny was pretty ozzhassny.”

4/ “A ptitsa in a pop-disc shop loves a bugatty malchick. Her pee kupets her a dress for the skolliwoll dance but ain’t got the cutter. I can’t get that warble out of my gulliver!”

5/ “An orange finds an ooko in the grass and tells the millicents, which leads him to get nagoy for a local cheena, and then this bezoomy bratchny does the old in and out with her, until the orange pops the baddiwad with a dead rozz’s pooshka.”

1/Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: “This young woman ticks off a crone, who makes her sleep until seven little men and a handsome fellow get her off her pillow, and then it’s all good.”

2/The Green Mile: “A state prison guard takes pity on a prisoner in state jail and learns he can heal sick people in prison. But he kills the prisoner anyway, and is all sad about it.”

3/The Scarlet Letter: “Hearing her husband is dead, a wife has sex with a priest, but fooling around with him gets her a mark on her breast to say she’s a fornicator. This film was pretty terrible.”

4/Pretty in Pink: “A teenage girl in a record shop loves a rich boy. Her dad buys her a dress for the school dance, but ain’t got the money for it. I can’t get that song out of my head!”

5/Blue Velvet: “A man finds an ear in the grass and tells the police, which leads him to get naked for a local woman, and then this insane bastard has sex with her, until the man kills the baddie with a dead cop’s gun.”