This weekend is another Mago weekend because his mother MonsterBi is going away, miles away, to see one of her other children. She does this quite often, especially on the weekends she has Mago. I believe he’s better off at the group home in which he lives since that is his home and his stuff is there and they also have people who can handle his massive and annoying aggressions, obsessiveness, erratic mood swings, and compulsive behaviors. His maternal grandmother is worse than Monsterbi.

The last year was horrendously annoying. And today I wish I could muster the anger I felt the other day when I was taking all the anger out on the dishes as I slammed them into the cupboards and drawers. Maybe I’m getting better at handling it or I know the anger isn’t any good unless it is anger that produces a change or pushes me to do something better for myself. I abhor the resigned temperament that fell upon me.

Perhaps I’m still in the midst of joy over the new grandson and being a first time granny. Which is for another blog and another day.

Monsterbi (which really stands for monster bitch) is negligent, insecure, and argumentative. She thinks she’s hot, she always diets and exercises and she took diet pills when she was pregnant with her son, who is now severely aggressively handicapped and I’m the one who ends up paying for her infidelity and her spendy habits among other despicable characteristics. And I also pay for her fun times by having her Mago. I love the dad and hate being with the son, so where to go from here and what to do. I’ve been with him so long and in the beginning I had more space, now living in 700 square feet and he has retired, so it is easier to take the brat, it’s been harder.

It’s all part my fault and mostly his for not having more foresight. Anyway, it’s his way or the highway, so basically, I’m rambling on to try to decide what to do.

A few weeks ago, I was looking for a new place, then some things happened with the incoming amount of money for me and the idea my job could be at risk at the moment, and then on top of that, the cute grandson that lifted my spirits and even brought joy to Mago’s dad. Monsterbi and MegaMonsterbi would get mad when Mago’s dad’s grandkids called me grandma. They would yell at me and the kids and tell them I’m not blood. I’m not that way, I told BabyJJ that this was his grandpa because he is, so now, do I stay because of BabyJJ or do I leave before BabyJJ has time to get attached.

Questions, Why do we never get an answer when we’re knocking at the door…It’s not the way you do the things you do the things you do, it’s more the way mean it… My ADD just kicked in.

What do I do, well, if I knew the money would work out, would I go? If I knew I could have the other part of the house that is rented out, would I choose to stay? If he asked me to marry him, would I do it now? I can imagine setting up my own house and the sun streaming in the windows as I’m putting things away and waking to have a cup of quiet in the silence of my own noisy brain and the peaceful sunshine.

Voices outside and inside my head tell me to leave and then there are the things that tell me to go. What do I do? No one has the answer but me and even at the moment, I don’t. I’m so torn. The three things I can’t stand in this relationship is Mago, Monsterbi, and MegaMonsterbi and they won’t go away until they die.

Bitch, moan, and complain is the correct word, but in this politically correct world, downloading seems to work and it’s also less letters and a less degenerate viewpoint.

I have thoughts to purge and no, someone may not read it, but who cares. In fact, it may not get posted and even so, would people know who I was. I try to keep this blog quite private just for the sake of saying what I want without filtering my thoughts and only letting a few in. However, just to be sure, I’ll use aliases. Oh geez, did I use aliases on my other posts. I hope so.

I want to run and run so hard that I can’t think. I want to run so far that my body aches and not my spirit. I feel so much pain and yet in so many other ways I feel lots of joy. I think about people who’d like do overs. Guess what? I don’t want a do over because I’ll just make other mistakes and who knows if other choices would bring me any closer to happiness. It is I myself who must direct my way to happiness, but why do so many bitches, jerks, assholes, and miscreants get in the way? I know, it’s a matter of refining the blocking out process. If I could go back in time, I would learn something to carry back with me and that’s the art of just smiling and letting people know at the same time they’re full of shit.

I hate manipulative people too. I hate those women who look and act so sweet or whatever power they have over men that makes the guy jump through hoops just because the woman says too. It doesn’t matter how the woman treats the man or how many years he’s been a sap and she’s been a f—— bitch. And then to make it worse and have children with the man and children who turn out just like her. Or she takes diet pills while she’s pregnant and has an aggressive handicapped child who knows what the fuck he’s doing and does it because he can. Everyone says you should hate these poor little handicap kids. well, this one I do. I wouldn’t ever choose him as a friend nor would I choose to work with him. If he was my only choice, I’d get out of that kind of business, if I was in it. I’m not. I’m just in love with the miscreants father and he’s so attached to the past, his guilt, ego, and being the martyr, that sometimes I don’t think he has room for another person. He can’t marry me because in his subconscious he’s still married to the f—— bitch. When I leave, I leave. Good-bye, adios and all those other great good riddance words.

I’m so tired of feeling FINE fucked up-insecure-neurotic-emotionally deprived. Where and when did I start feeling that all the time. I’m tired of the anger and always feeling like I have to watch my back. And he tells me when we’re talking about having love for others–in general terms and not about my feelings of his ex wife and kid–that it all depends on the level you’re on. Well, I’m tired of trying to be on the God like level and loving and forgiving. I’m now on the level of trust very few and cover my own ass. I don’t feel I’ve lowered my standards. I feel I’ve attained a higher level of being or of living a more enlightened life.

I can’t stand the stomach knots nor the sleepless nights or any of the other crap that goes along with it. I want to run, hide out, gather my children and their spouses to be or significant others and have a good time.

I commend my future daughter in law’s mom for raising someone else’s kids. She’s an amazing woman. I know she’s had and probably still has hard moments, but she’s good. Maybe I don’t hear the complaints. I know she loves them though and if any of them don’t appreciate what it’s like, then they’re crazy.

I’m tired of loving little grandkids of the man I love only to have it thrown back with shit in my face from the maternal grandmother and the daughter. What are they afraid of? Hey people, don’t you know that there’s enough love to go around. Oh wait and the more love a child has, the more secure that child feels. Give me a break. I don’t love someone just because they’re “blood.” I do love my children and always will, but you know, I also love the people they choose. With so many sons, it’s great to have all the girls come along now.

It’s funny. I have this hate and frustration inside and now, I can’t seem to voice it all. I just want the anger to go away. Maybe I just want to live in la la land forever. I’m glad though that I’m getting old.

I just know this. If I were to find myself single again and the guy told me he had a handicapped child, I’d first have to know what kind of handicap and do we have to have the child over night, and then how much involvement is there with the EX wife. The other thing, I’d think long and hard about a man who has daughters or really thinks his ex mother in law is the best. Daughters can be tough and from my experience are. My daughter was really good to her dad’s girlfriend, but then I taught them to be kind. It’s all in the teaching. And that, my friends is where the real problem lies. And you don’t date anyone with a daughter who’s been a cheerleader or the elite marching group of the school. Color guard and marching band is one thing, they’re the geeks, but they’re cool and very down to earth. The orchestra kids, debate team, track team, and drama students are okay too. However, those elite groups of the school are rarely okay, but of course, that’s my opinion and you know what is said about opinions.

Do we keep our goals in our head? Or do the ones in our head change from day to day? I’m not sure, however, I know what needs to be done, but just how.

I perused the goals I’d made over a year ago. Have I managed to stay on track? Perhaps with one, but I’ve learned along the way. Knowledge isn’t really power, that’s only half way there. Effectively, applied knowledge is the key. That is what takes the work.

So, this is just a review for me because I need to dissect the goals and find what is or isn’t working and what is a hopeless cause.

One of the goals was to make more money. Well, I suppose if I was making ten dollars more a month, that’s more, but that isn’t exactly what I meant. More is vague just like tall, short, and oh well. Defining the goal and then finding a way to achieve it is how I apply my knowledge.

Make more money to pay off bills. That is almost a 2 or 3 parter. First determine the amount you need that will give you what you’re looking for. So the amount I need to make, for now, is $3,000 each month. That is net, not gross. I know what it will take and I know what I need to pay things off faster.

I tried working another job. That bombed. It’s almost like I need something that will pay more and less hours. A raise in pay at the Census works and another survey that will give me about 50 extra hours a month would be good. However, it won’t be enough in the long run, but the next thing may be that I’ll need to make that enough. I’ll re-evaluate later.

This is later and still, I’m muddled. However, through Christmas I’ve learned…

Slow progression is the hardest. I hear things such as, “you didn’t gain 5 pounds overnight, so don’t expect to lose it overnight.” No, but I think it’s possible to gain it in a week and then it takes 4 weeks to lose it. All the things you’re try to recover from, get over, or change takes more than the time it did to create.

It’s said that a habit take 21 days to change by replacing it with a new one. True for most things and it’s easy to slide back in just a few days. However, once I’ve managed to feel good as I’ve replaced something, then it’s easier to get past the setback if I go back to my convictions. However, changing the negatives in my life isn’t easy. We learn the most from out mistakes and challenges. Also, the very last cliche at this moment, is that it takes 10 positives to erase a negative. (Please don’t think you can say terrible things to someone and then tell them many positive things and that will change things. That in itself is another matter and takes time for healing. On that one, first you have to learn to forgive yourself, which is the most difficult. Now, I’m rambling.)

I began to form new habits, but it was easy to slip back to the old ones once the conditions weren’t there that helped me create the new habits. It’s not up to the universe to make the conditions right. It’s up to me. I have to find ways to make it work. I suppose that’s why we learn from our challenges is because of solving out issues and through our own creativity. We all have some kind of creativity.

My laptop is quite convenient and I love Facebook. However, they both are detriments when needing to accomplish my goals.

At one point, I was working out 3-4 days a week at the gym. I’d be on the Internet early in the morning and sometimes in the evening, but not as much as I had been or am now. That in itself has to change. I have to find any job.

What I’ve accomplished though is–I paid off my debt to the IRS. I’ve been managing my diabetes better, keeping it down, and laying off candy. I’ve lost a couple pounds, but am in danger of gaining it back while sitting on my ass. The trick is to get off my ass. It’s always easier to exercise in the summer, but I have to have something that will keep me busy all year. The other thing is that Brandon may have a job. He says he does, but I also don’t like to get excited till we’ve gotten past start day and he’s worked a couple months. The problem with this job is that they will have layoffs when winter begins, so he’ll have to look at other jobs.

I’m watching the balances on most of my bills getting lower and that’s good, but it’s not a big enough change, therefore another job is essential. I don’t know if I’ll do it today, but tomorrow, I need to register at a temp place. At least it will give me a bit of flexibility.

I know it sounds funny, but I’ll still write down my criteria for another job. I want it to be flexible enough, so that I may either work from home or go into the office. The office needs to be on the third floor or higher, so that I will use stairs. It also needs to have windows preferably to the Southeast. I need the sun. And I’d like to make about $10 an hour or more. Oh and the flexibility for me to go in on a weekend if I need to. Then I can possibly even work the paid work from within this office. Perhaps if the situation was met, I’d go less an hour. I’m wanting to make approximately an additional $300 a week, but 250 is okay too if I have the flexibility of hours and time, then also a place with windows where I can retreat to. Laugh if you will, but those are the important points just one down from the money I need to make. Oh and I even want to be able to work some Sundays because for some reason that is a productive time for me and I’m not able to use that time to my full advantage most Sundays.

Most of all, I have to start standing up for my goals and myself. If my business is being conducted properly, then I’m the only one to blame. Like for instance on a temp job I do, I seem to never get paid enough. I need to be more accurate on my calculations and have the money decided up front if I ever do another job for them. I’m done being cheated or even feeling cheated.

Time to move myself off this couch and to get some paid work done, then I will go walk with my girl. I’m not going to make long lists of things I’ll accomplish each day cause it doesn’t happen that way and then I get discouraged. However, I will do as Earl Nightingale says and make a list of a few things, then do them. I may only start with 2 or maybe 3, but I will get there.

I was turned down for the most recent job I applied for. I could do the job plus the one of the person who interviewed me. I know my biggest problem is so often I take control of the interview and ask the interviewer questions as though I’m hiring them.

Best thing I can do is to be sure my regular job is done early and perhaps I’ll get more work. I’m chasing after the carrot.

I spend too much time feeding everyone’s animals. Let them run away. Who cares? Don’t even plant crops cause they wilt when you finally get to them. Facebook has it’s hold on me and I have to get out. I will extricate myself slowly. I have some goals in mind or changes.

I’ve heard many times 2 things–one is that doing the same thing and expecting different results is insanity and I believe that. The other is that to change one thing, you need to replace it with another.

My goals and wants are simple, but yet it’s hard to break old habits. I need an early morning job or to find someone who will pay for me to write or even input data into a computer. I need to supplement my income and still be available for my regular job. I also need to get more exercise–you know, eat less, work out more. Same as make more money and spend less. Mother by less involvement–empower the children more.

Less and more only work out if you do less of the things holding you back and more of the things that will propel you to how you really imagine your life to be.

What do we want our lives to be. Well, I suppose right here is where I will explore what I want. I’ll use it daily to notate changes I make or even the moments I fall back. Something will change and for the better. In essence, I’m looking to empower and inspire those around me–i.e., kids, mother, spouse, step kids, and even friends and co-workers. I enjoy helping and being a sounding board.

So, day 1 it’s all about organization. I have a lot of work to be done and can’t start most of it till 9am. I have 2 hours to go, but I’ll spend 30 minutes of that time getting ready for work.

In the meantime–some exercise is needed because that’s the important thing. Yes, I can get more exercise during the day, but it may rain and I don’t belong to a gym (more on that later).

Each day I’ll chronicle what I’ve done to get where I want to be. The goals:

Make more money, so that I can pay my bills and increase my cash flow. If you know the cost of money and cash flow, you can run any business. Run your household and personal finances as a business.

Increase the production on my present job and increase my rating by 10%. (That’s as far as I can go with it, otherwise, I’d work to increase it more.)

Lose weight–right now enough to fit into my summer clothes better. And to be younger next year.

Be a paid writer–freelance or otherwise.

Help my daughter to find a job and show her how to get to the job.

Empower my kids to focus more, take care of their finances, and have more confidence in themselves.

Today is May 21, 2010. After exercise and getting dressed, the first thing I will do is change my phone plan, so that I will save maybe $20 a month, but it will increase cash flow. After all, I want to increase cash flow.

The next thing is to concentrate on my present job since I have a couple of deadlines and I want to get my work to 90% today, so I’m up to schedule. It’s been harder this month to accomplish that. I’m not sure why, but it has. The thing is, I will have to complete my work in record time, so my bosses will offer me more work. It’s amazing how many bosses I actually have. It gets to be confusing.