Taking after richvh, I decided to write my own story in Japanese. I finished chapter one after some effort. I didn't really use any furigana except in the case when a name is introduced for the first time. Here's my first chapter:

I think I've done a decent job, but I'm ready for corrections. There's a few things in specific I'm curious about.

First of all, I don't know how Japanese literature actually looks. I've based this on my English writing style where quotes from different people always go in new paragraphs; and if the paragraph is just a quote where the speaker is obvious, all you need is the quote itself. I'm not quite sure the same is true with Japanese literature.

In addition, I've used 2 phrases that I've never actually learned before. 錠が下りている and 出し抜けに. If I used either one of them wrong or if there are better phrases for the situation, please tell me.

バイトから帰りました means that he's already home; I think you can just use 帰ります here.

ながら cannot be used the way you used it in the first paragraph -- I'm not really sure how to explain it; the two actions have to be concurrent, not one happening in the middle of the other one. 途中で might be a better way to express "on the way home".

The standard for narrative prose is to use plain form rather than -masu style unless the story is supposed to be narrated by a specific person who is using -masu form for a reason.

Ah, I forgot about that sentence. Yeah, I wasn't quite sure how to say "Where did you last see your parents?" but that looks like it works better than my guess. As for the other sentence, at that point she isn't actually crying yet but it looks like she's about to. Would 流す mean just a little bit of tears are visible or she's already crying?

Yudan Taiteki wrote:バイトから帰りました means that he's already home; I think you can just use 帰ります here.

ながら cannot be used the way you used it in the first paragraph -- I'm not really sure how to explain it; the two actions have to be concurrent, not one happening in the middle of the other one. 途中で might be a better way to express "on the way home".

The standard for narrative prose is to use plain form rather than -masu style unless the story is supposed to be narrated by a specific person who is using -masu form for a reason.

I was trying to imply it was the past tense of him walking home. Would 帰っていました work instead? Actually, I guess it would be 帰っていた using plain form. I'll have to go back and change all that. It makes it shorter which would be nice if it was really that long to begin with.

I have a habit of writing and telling stories in past tense. If that's the case, would it be appropriate to use 帰った?
I was trying to use sequential order. It didn't even occur to me till now that I could have used cause. Now I'm debating which one would be better. In English, I would say "After he saw the tears in her eyes, he entered" but I don't know what would flow better in Japanese.

帰った sounds odd no matter what because it means he already returned home, but then you go on to say what happened while he was walking home. Especially since it doesn't look like he ever actually gets home, 帰った (or 帰っていた) just doesn't work. I think you're going to have to find a different way to start the story -- say just that he was walking down the road or something like that.

Yudan Taiteki wrote:帰った sounds odd no matter what because it means he already returned home, but then you go on to say what happened while he was walking home. Especially since it doesn't look like he ever actually gets home, 帰った (or 帰っていた) just doesn't work. I think you're going to have to find a different way to start the story -- say just that he was walking down the road or something like that.

Also another note. I think that the character's name might cause a subtle problem, since you'll end up using it a lot with the topic particle は. In てつやは, "や" and "わ" might cause a (I don't really know the english term) "phonetic chasm" of sorts... two relatively similar sounds pronounced in succession. This is entirely my own opinion, but perhaps you should avoid ending the character's name in aや? Just something to think about.

Last edited by EvanT on Fri 02.08.2008 7:21 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ah, I forgot about that sentence. Yeah, I wasn't quite sure how to say "Where did you last see your parents?" but that looks like it works better than my guess. As for the other sentence, at that point she isn't actually crying yet but it looks like she's about to. Would 流す mean just a little bit of tears are visible or she's already crying?

Indeed, it´s used 涙を流して/こぼれて、instead が。
I am not sure, but 流す means that the person is already crying(a lot) and 零れる、it´s used when 1 or 2 tears drops.
It´s used another word too, that I don´t remember, used too when the snow falls..
namida ga pokonpokon , kotonkoton.... I dont remember

Yudan Taiteki wrote:I think you're going to have to find a different way to start the story -- say just that he was walking down the road or something like that.

As Yudan-san says, both 帰りました and 帰っていました in this context meanTesuya got back from a place where he does part-time job to his(parents') house.

EvanT wrote:I wonder if this would this work better?鉄夜はバイトから家へ行くところだった。

ところ works well in this context. But 家に行く is commonly used for going to someone else's house.I think 家に帰る ところでした。would make sense.鉄夜は(アル)バイト(先）から家に帰る途中でした。would be also fine. 鉄夜は(アル)バイトを終え、帰宅するところでした。would be more natural.

EvanT wrote:Also another note. I think that the character's name might cause a subtle problem, since you'll end up using it a lot with the topic particle は. In てつやは, "や" and "わ" might cause a (I don't really know the english term) "phonetic chasm" of sorts... two relatively similar sounds pronounced in succession. This is entirely my own opinion, but perhaps you should avoid ending the character's name in aや? Just something to think about.

Although I might be wrong, you are talking about "Phonaesthetics/euphonic changes"?

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帰りながら、泣いてる女の子を見ました。

As Yudan-san explained, 帰りながら is incorrect.

１１歳だけみたいでした。

だけin 11歳だけ is grammatically incorrect.Does it mean “She looks like just 11 years old.” or “She looks like only 11 years old”? (I wonder how he could recognize a 10-years-old girl and a 11-years-old girl because a young single man, like Tetsuya, is not usually good at guessing children's age. However you may be good at guessing children's age.)

鉄夜は女の子に行って手伝ってみました

This sentence is unnatural.
女の子のところに行って
女の子に近寄って
might be better.

I don't think both of 手伝ってみた/助けてみた are used for this situation because してみた is used when the action (on trial) had completely done.
手伝おうとしました。助けようとしました。would be better, both are grammatically correct. --(よ)うとする form.

To be precise,
1)鉄夜は女の子に近寄って、（その子を）手伝おうとしました。
2)鉄夜は女の子に駆け寄って、（その子を）助けようとしました。

1) is commonly used when you attempted to assist the girl. 手伝う is used when you lend your hand for someone to do something.
e.g.
飼っている犬が逃げたと泣いている女の子がいたので、犬を探すのを手伝った。
You lent your hand to find her dog with her. (She tried to find the dog, you supported her.) She is the main person who does something for her purpose, you’re an assistant. )
Thus generally an object( the purpose) is put before 手伝う.
Example:
Tetsuya helped his father to paint the room.
鉄夜は父親が部屋を塗装するのを手伝った。

I think most Japanese use 犬を探すのを手伝った rather than 犬を探すのを助けた。

2) is used regardless of the girl's intention or her action for her purpose.
e.g.
屋上から落ちてきた看板にぶつかりそうだった女の子がいたので、(その子を) 助けた。
In this case, you helped her without her request. This 助けた probably indicates you saved her life, or at least you protected her from more serious injury.
In this case, その子を手伝った is not used.