Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Sometimes you’re just dragging,
lagging behind in the slow motion crawl of your life. And doesn’t that just
make you feel like poking your eyes out with one of those pretty pens in the
mug on the corner of your desk? Not me. It makes me want to poke everyone
else’s eyes out with any semi-pointed object within reach. I keep thinking I
need more hours in my day. I have so much work to do. And so many people I want
to share experiences with. But the truth is, my life is going by very, very
slowly on at least one scale.

It’s been
three years. Three years since I divorced my ex-husband. Guess how many
relationships I’ve had since?? Oh, that’s right,.. None. Not a single one. Now,
there are two ways to look at this. One, is that I am picky. I weed out the
majority of loser candidates early on and save myself a bunch of heartache
later. Two, is that I have some sort of deficiency or deformity ( I always thought that extra pinky finger was kinda sexy, myself, and damn useful when typing. But, eeh, to each their own), some
abnormality that prevents good candidates from coming my way in the first
place. On my good days I truly believe in number one. On my bad days I’m
convinced of theory two. And when I get a little tipsy I sit and make up three
and four. But, all in all the “why’s” don’t matter. Because it doesn’t change
what is. And what is, is that I remain single, for whatever reason, while my
ex-husband has been with his new wife for three years now. Yay.

I don’t have anything better than I did when I
was married, I have yet to publish the book I started when I was married, and
at the moment I can’t even say I am happier now, due to some jack-ass that I
let room with me. The douche-bag actually urinated on my couch. And yet, there
is nothing I can do about it because he lives with me. That’s right, listen up,
if you live with someone you can harass, torture, pee on, and take whatever you
want. The legal system is awesome. Yeah, guess there was one loser candidate
that slipped through, huh. Ooops.

So even
while I race about and chase my tail for money, my life is slowly slipping by
me. Goals unmet. The idea was that I would “move-on” with my life. Start
something new. But, as it turns out, I’m “moving-on” like a damn turtle inside
a marijuana maze.

But, maybe it’s not the pace I
should be concerned about. Maybe it’s the route. Kinda like that fly that keeps
zipping around the interior of your car and buzzing into the closed driver’s
side window. He can see the outside world and eventually he starts walking on
the glass when he lands on it. Thinking he is going to get somewhere. When from
our perspective, we can see the rear window is open, and wonder why he doesn’t
just go out of it. He’s just so focused on the route ahead of him, he can’t see
the alternative. I can’t see my alternative, either. But, I will be keeping my
eyes peeled from now on.