Impatient Queen invites David Dimbleby to form government

The Queen has moved to end days of uncertainty by inviting broadcaster David Dimbleby to form a government, telling reporters that she ‘can’t be hanging around for Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg to sort it out much longer’.

Accepting the offer, Dimbleby, 71, said he was ‘surprised and honoured and so very, very tired’ after being awake and on television round-the-clock since polls closed last Thursday.

There was immediate speculation that he would seek to form a permanent administration with the backing of Nick Clegg, in a so-called “Dim-Dem Pact”, although he moved quickly to name his senior Cabinet appointments: Stephanie Flanders is to become the first female Chancellor, Nick Robinson becomes the oddest-looking Home Secretary, and John Simpson in a burqa will serve as Foreign Secretary. Other ministers will be chosen in the time-honoured fashion of pointing into a crowd and declaring ‘You, the man with the long hair – sorry, madam.’