Author: Ed_Ned

Only hours after Erdogan told the Turkish Parliament that Saudi Arabia premeditated Khashoggi’s murder, US President Donald Trump vouched retaliation for the “worst cover-up murder” of the Saudis. In a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump announced he will impose sanctions like no country has ever seen and promised that Saudis will feel the full force of US punishment.

“This is terrible, what they did is totally unacceptable and the US will not take more of this. This is bad. Really bad. Worst! So as of today, we’re imposing a 25% tax on bone saw exports. It will hit Saudi Arabia where it hurts them most: procurement of the centrepiece of their journalist assassination kit. Worst sanctions ever. They’ll come crawling back to us begging to lift those sanctions, I promise that.” said a visibly upset President Trump before taking questions from the journalists.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe they did it, maybe they didn’t do it. Could they have done it? Yes. Did they do it? Yes. Did they know about it? We don’t know. Banning weapons sales would be bad for America, bad for the American people. We don’t want that. We just want Saudi Arabia to stop murdering journalists with bone saws” concluded Trump.

Visibly upset by the incompetence and the amateurish way in which the Saudi secret services butchered a journalists, leading EU nations showed once again global leadership. In a joint statement in Brussels, France, Belgium and the UK pledged to impose sanctions on the Gulf State by doubling their sales of weapons to the Saudis. To top it up, the leading EU nations also vouched to train the Saudi military in the latest assassination techniques.

“We are here not because we want it but because we’re needed. European leadership is needed and France is here to work for European interests. Even if, disappointingly, Germany decided to impose a ban on the sale of their weapons to Saudi Arabia, us, Belgium and the UK promise to do the right thing. The right thing, of course, is to double ours sales in the military sector to Saudi Arabia with the latest technologies available. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do and France will not shy away from doing the right thing!” said French President Emanuel Macron in the applauses of enthusiastic youth present in the Belgian Capital.

“What we want is a good deal for Saudi Arabia. It is obvious that their truly barbaric murder of Mr. Khashoggi stems from their outdated military equipment and poorly trained armed forces. In the UK, we would have made sure not only that a journalist’s murder would be fast, bloodless and painless but also that no one will ever miss that person or know that person existed in the first place. That’s what makes the UK such a great nation. We therefore stand next to France in this endeavour and we will provide all the assistance needed to our Saudi partners. We’re even willing to also double our weapons sales, we’re that committed!” said British Prime Minister Theresa May in the applauses of no one.

Charles Michel, the Prime Minister of Belgium, was very clear in the intensions of his country:

“Belgium is standing up to Germany’s ridiculous move and joining sanctions imposed by France and the UK. We live in the 21st century, a journalist cannot be butchered, he must be killed discreetly and with some human consideration. Of course we are upset but we, Belgians, are not making troubles. We are providing solutions! Sales of our highest tech weapons will therefore double for Saudi Arabia and they also need to accept training of their army. For God’s sake, we have important issues to worry about in Europe, like trade, jobs, indefinite growth and kicking migrants out. Having to take a stance and follow-up on some journalist murder is not something we want to be bothered with. All we want to do is to make sure next time the Saudis kill someone, they will leave no trace.”

Mohammed bin Salman exclusively commented for the Berlin Group that he was not pleased with the European sanctions. However, he stressed that his modernisation reform is his top priority and that cannot be done without the help of his European partners, thus he already signed a fat check for 20 new weapon deals.

Surprising turn of events on Sunday in the British capital, where UKIP held its prestigious “World’s best airline” annual event in a white, English neighbourhood. Although most experts and indeed UKIP members and sympathisers initially thought this year’s award will be an easy win by United Airlines, Ryanair’s latest racist episode changed everything.

But racism was not the only strength for Ryanair. The company is famous for basically stealing their customer’s money by means of ridiculous taxes and a terrible service. This was also highly appreciated by UKIP. Boris Johnson, a honorary guest at the award event this year, put it in terms that the UKIP audience could understand:

“Ryaniar is just b-brilliant, I mean they f*ck the poor big time, which is what we like to see, innit? Especially the Ro-romanians, B-Bulgarians and other untouchable immigrants who come here to take our jobs and rape our women. We’ve learnt so much from their business model.”

Donald Trump also tweeted in support of Ryanair, praising its CEO Michael O’Leary for standing his ground and dismissing the of climate change is real, which is just fake news to support the secret agenda of Hillary Clinton & Co.

Ryanair said they were pleased to have won this year and promised to include a reminder of their victory to each and every of their stupid landing songs. Meanwhile, United Airlines released a statement exclusively for the Berlin Group, in which they showed their disappointment for not having won this year, vouching to stage a good comeback in 2019.

The Macedonian Parliament voted on Friday to pass a resolution that changes the country’s name, from the awkwardly long “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” to a more viking-sounding one: Republic of North Macedonia. This is expected to solve the decades old dispute with Greece and allow the small Balkan country to keep its EU membership dreams alive. Realising that it is so easy to change a country’s name, 10 other countries followed suit, in a quest to make their own nations more attractive.

The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland will change its name to The United Kingdom of Incompetence

The Russian Federation will change its name to The Federation of Ex-Soviet States and the North Pole

Hungary (Magyarorszag) just voted to change its name to NemSorosOrszag

Turkey will now be called The Islamic Republic of the North Saudi Ghetto

Venezuela is as of today the Poor People’s Republic of No Food

Moldova changed its name to East Romania, which is their only hope to enter the European Union

Only hours after Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban boosted on social media that he got himself a brand new rhinoceros, the visibly distressed animal managed to escape Orban’s shed and run free through the streets of Budapest, the Hungarian capital. The Ecuadorian Ambassador was quick to spot the animal while eating a dinner gulash with her husband in downtown Budapest. She immediately called home and suggested Ecuador offers asylum to the rhinoceros. The Ecuadorian President was quick to say yes, willing to keep the reputation of his country as one that offers shelter to those in need, unless they have a cat.

“I was eating some gulash, minosegi dish, they cook great stuff at this place close to St. Istvan Basilica you know, although customer service is rubbish. Anyway, I see this rhinoceros and from the terrified look on his face I know in an instant that he’s been around Orban. You can tell, you know, that man stinks both physically and morally. Of course we had to provide asylum as soon as possible, exotic animals are the last ones with some hope in this country” said Maria del Carmen Gonzalez Cabal, Ecuadorian Ambassador in Hungary.

The rhinoceros was immediately taken to the Ecuadorian Embassy for a medical test and hoofprinting. The veterinary on guard told the Berlin Group that the animal suffered from severe post-traumatic stress disorder, cause by being in contact with illiberalism, fascism and a highly toxic air composition. The toxicity has already proven to come from e-coli and other faeces bacteria, produced when Viktor Orban is talking.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, Viktor Orban was in a visible state of accentuated anger. He shouted in Hungarian for 10 full minutes. The only things we were able to understand were “Stop Soros”, “geci” and “fasz”. We will be back with updates, if any.

In an expected turn of events, Theresa May and the EU leaders agreed on Thursday that the Brexit transition period should be extended. Following the press conference, both parties seemed to be in a merry mood, as they were relieved that an ordeal finished.

“It is probably the first time we’ve been honest in our talks” said Theresa May in front of the journalists, after taking the mic with a little dance on ABBA’s Dancing Queen. “I was very frank with Jean-Claude (ed. Jean-Claude Juncker, Commission President) and all the other 27 EU leaders. There is no one, I repeat, no one in the UK at the moment who is competent enough to strike a decent deal on at least one Brexit chapter. Best we can do is sit on our arses and wait for a good Brexit deal to fall out of the skies. Because that’s what we want, a good Brexit deal for the British people. But that hasn’t happened yet so I suggested we wait and see if Britain will get a political leadership with some common sense, or even a competent leader – we can always hope no? – in the next 3 decades”

EU leaders were visibly pleased by May’s suggestion.

“Thank God we’re finally on the same page. Now we can focus on things that matter, like immigration, raise of the right-wing or the Italians making a mess of their budget” said a tipsy Juncker at the same press conference.

Michel Barnier, EU’s negotiator for Brexit, also saluted the result of the summit.

“This is by far the greatest achievement of the Brexit talks. It has been painful to interact with the British negotiators and the Torries, their incompetence gave me migraines. Now I can finally relax and maybe my grandchildren can find someone with a bit of brain in Britain in half a century or so” said Mr. Barnier according to our Berlin Group sources.

The Berlin Group contact Boris Johnson for a statement but up to this point our translators from blablerrish to English are still working to decipher his 10 seconds response.

Prince Mohammed Bin Salam of Saudi Arabia finally broke the silence on Tuesday and declared his innocence. During a press conference held in the Saudi capital with journalists participating via Skype from safe, un-named countries, MBS answered questions related to the killing of Jamal Khashoggi.

“I cannot properly answer your question because I simply do not have the complete answer. I sent some men to take care of him but I have no clue about how they killed him. I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him. They might have tortured him to death for all I know. It would also be impossible for me to find out – already asked my secret services to kill the killers so as to not leave any traces behind” said MBS in response to a question from the Berlin Group, while writing down the name of our correspondent in the Middle East.

MBS also blamed Erdogan for the current international scandal regarding the assassination of the Saudi journalist.

“This is all Erdogan’s fault. He told me he would reintroduce capital punishment. Had he done that we wouldn’t be talking about such irrelevant topics here, today. But well, what can you expect from an old rusty incompetent guy like him. He’s too afraid he’ll lose EU money if he does it. We’ll see what he does when I switch off the oil taps” concluded MBS angrily, returning to his room and resuming “World of Warcraft”.

A study by British scientists at the University of Heavy and Rare Metals (UHRM) in Wetwank, Yorkshire, found that countries are more likely to reach their recycling targets if they are more lenient towards metal smugglers. The study looked at 23 countries within and outside the European Union (EU) and in all but two cases, their hypothesis was validated by data on the ground. The exceptions were Romania and Turkey. In Romania, it was found that people from the roma community were more efficient than smugglers to informally implement national recycling strategies. In Turkey, it was found that all smuggled metals – in particular gold – were confiscated by Erdogan to strengthen a falling Turkish Lira and so did not count in official statistics.

“Our study sends a strong signal to countries that have national recycling targets or are obliged to implement the Circular Economy Package of the EU. It is more so for countries that are struggling to reach those targets. Letting smugglers to deal with recycling is a win-win strategy. It flourishes local black economy and makes criminals richer. This increases tax revenue and decreases unemployment by means of human trafficking. At the same time, it looks good in national statistics so politicians can brag about it and boost their ratings”, said Olof Smuglesson, project leader.

Sources of The Berlin Group claim that police force in most of the case study countries welcomed the results. In Iceland, police said they can finally focus on things that matter, such as punishing mentally impaired tourists doing off-road driving. In Norway, police welcomed the chance of shifting efforts from smuggling prevention to confiscating Finnish reindeers illegally crossing into the country. Governments seem to have also received the study well, apart from the US, where President Donald Trump tweeted he will impose a 25% import tax for metal smugglers.

In its 6th and last assessment report, the Intergovernmental Panel of Climate Change (IPCC) marks a breakthrough in scientific research. After spending millions of dollars and decades of research and investigative work, IPCC has finally succeeded in pointing out the single most detrimental factor to our climate. And it’s George Soros. With 100% scientific consensus, the Hungarian-born billionaire is now claimed to cause most of our global warming. In exact scientific terms, he causes all of our global warming.

“It is indeed a breakthrough. For years we’ve been looking at what causes global warming and we could not put our finger on exactly what is it that triggers all this. But during he past 4-5 years we reshaped the way we do science, we started to get outside the silo, break the silo. We opened our eyes to what governments across the world are reporting and, voila!, it was right under our nose. George Soros!” said Abdalah Mokssit, IPCC Secretary General.

The IPCC report goes at length expanding on the exact activities that George Soros is systematically executing in order to destabilise our planet’s climate. He is now proved to have started wildfires in California and Greece each year. He attempted a coup on the corrupt Romanian leader Liviu Dragnea who then had to burn plane fuel to take shelter in Brazil. He got US President Donald Trump drunk and made him sign out of the Paris Agreement. Perhaps Soros’ worst action was whispering “liberal democracy” to Hungary’s PM Viktor Orban, who then turned red with fury and increased global temperatures by 2 degrees celsius.

As expected, Mr. Soros refused to comment the allegations. Sources from the Berlin Group said the reason of all his activities are related to finally getting global warming on Wallstreet and making money out of bonds.