Jeremy Corbyn has exhorted subordinates to congratulate him for what he called the “historic victory in the Copeland by-election”, after the Tories took the seat from Labour for the first time in 80 years.

Corbyn said “This is a huge victory for us. Make no mistake, comrades; the Party has never been in better shape! Long live the Party and the Great Drive Forward!

Tony Blair has managed singlehandedly to unite Britain and heal the wounds brought about by the Brexit debacle.

Blair’s exhortations to the British people to rise up against Brexit managed to convince everybody that what the country really needed to do was exactly the opposite of whatever it was told to do by an egomaniac with a Messiah complex.

Jeremy Hunt has said that the problems with the NHS are ‘unacceptable’, and has offered himself his warmest congratulations for making it so.

The Health Secretary said “I have spent five years helming the good ship NHS, finding iceberg after iceberg to ram, and finally I have managed to tear its hull to pieces. It is letting on water fast, and has finally been upgraded from ‘we’re in trouble’ to ‘oh shit we’re all going to die’.

The world has been rocked to its very core today, after it was revealed that toff Prince Harry is better at running than both his toff brother Prince William and his toff brother’s wife, toff Princess Kate.

Royal Commentator Arthur Theremin said today “This changes everything. Black could be white, up could be down, 2 and 2 might make 17. This is literally the most important thing happening anywhere in the world.

The horrific revelation that English medical professionals deal with a victim of FGM every hour has confirmed that humanity is still chock full of evil little shits.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Counting Bastards, said “Credulous fuckwits are hacking off bits of the genitalia of little girls for so-called cultural and religious reasons, and they don’t show any sign of stopping anytime soon.