GIMME FIVE: Killer Selina Meyer lines from the ‘Veep’ premiere

Forgive the terrible joke, but after hearing all of Jonah’s horrific riffs on vaginal fluids followed by Selina’s strangely lame “Fifty Shades of … great!” bit, I had to chime in with my own unfunny funny line. Also, let’s face it, all of the other jokes made on the Season 4 premiere (“Joint Session”) were fucking aces, with everyone and their replacement firing on all fronts. Well, save for the joke that was that speech at the end of the episode. (Zing!)

Okay, okay, enough with the bad jokes. Especially since Amy proved herself far from one this episode, calling out Mike for doing nothing, while also finding time to make a crack about her inability to cry. And Sue nailed it so hard when she compared Mike’s question about new POTUS Selina being able to take the afternoon to mice levitating and laser-eying (read: they’re both impossible and ridiculous). And Kent righteously tried to rep feminism by asking whether the right term is “masterly” or “mistressly.”

Despite all this supporting awesomeness, after all was said (or was it unsaid, given the lack of teleprompting?) and done, Selina was the big, bright, shining star of this shit-talking show. And we can evidence this by calling up her five most killer quotes from “Joint Session”:

“It’s like heaven. It’s like Columbian tongue sex.”

– Selina, killin’ every other description of great coffee ever

“How big is $50,000,000? Get it in here in $5 bills. I’m gonna climb in and see if I get frost bite!”

– Selina, killin’ every other reaction to a shit ton of money ever

“That wasn’t a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock!”

– Selina, killin’ every other negotiation celebration ever

“Children were going to be saved from poverty. Instead now that money is going to fund obsolete, metal, giant dildos.”

Emily is one of the founding members of Cinefilles, a former TV Guide Canada writer and editor and an admitted heroine--note the added e, please--addict. When she's not slaying you with her rhetorical devices, she's probably watching a Late Night Comedy, Teen Horror, or Because You Watched Good Burger on Netflix. Twitter: @emilygagne.