Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I hate to shop. I really do. The only store I enjoy going to is the Apple Store--I mean, it's like an FAO Schwarz for adults. Just the thought of going to the mall between Thanksgiving and President's Day is enough to make my ass twitch--after all my mother has been dragging me through stores and shopping malls all my life.

I had my first panic attack at Macy's in Herald Square. I walked very young, and my older sister didn't. My sister was in the stroller, and I was walking when my mom pushed us into the elevator at Macy's. It was winter, and back then all the men wore long wool coats and hats. I got stuffed into the corner, surrounded by wool and I didn't know where my mom was. I was maybe two years old at the time... I haven't liked crowded elevators since. Then there was that time mom had me sitting on the moving belt you're supposed to hold on to on the escalator. She must have reached for my sister and let go of me. I went flying over the side and landed on the jewelry case below. Yeah, I don't much care for escalators either...

I thought it was only fair that since I'm in the middle of my blog tour for Wild Thing, I'd torture my hero, Hunter Kincaid, a little more and send him out Christmas shopping.

All you have to do is comment to win one of two copies of Wild Thing! Be sure to write out your email address for me so I can let you know if you win.

I hope you enjoy the shopping trip. It's the closest I've come to the mall since the last time I saw my mother in October.

Hunter Kincaid’s definition of hell was going shopping with his sister, Karma. He liked shopping all right, as long as it was at Home Depot, REI, McU Sports, The Elephant’s Perch or just about any other home improvement or sporting good store. Yeah, there was nothing like shopping for building materials, crampons, climbing ropes, kayaks, rafts, hiking boots, skis, and mountain bike—all worth while things to buy.

Hunter turned to his sister, Karma and dodged a pack of teenagers. “Tell me again why we’re in the mall?”

Karma pushed past a family with strollers and ducked into a store called Hot Topic. “To buy your wife Christmas presents.”

“What more can Toni want? I already bought her a set of skis, bindings, boots, poles, bibs, a powder jacket, and a parka.”

Karma turned and rolled her eyes. “Toni doesn’t ski.”

“Yet. “ He smiled and rocked back on his heels. “She just needs the right equipment and a me—she’s married to the best ski instructor around.”

“Did you ever consider that maybe Toni doesn’t want to ski?”

Karma couldn’t be serious. Who wouldn’t want to ski? “Nah, Toni is going to love skiing. What’s not to love?”

“She’s still not at all comfortable being in the wilderness, and most ski resorts look like woods on mountains, remember?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Toni’s plenty comfortable at home, and our home is on a mountain beside a ski resort.”

“Well, just in case she’s not overly excited about you forcing her to ski, I thought it might be helpful to diversify your gifts. Hot Topic is one of Toni’s favorite stores.”

Hunter looked around and had to admit the place looked like the inside of Toni’s closet. It was like Goth heaven. He shrugged. “Okay, what does she want? It looks as if she’s got most of the store at home already.” At least now he knew where she shopped, not that he’d ever want to join her. There were just some things couple shouldn’t do together. Shopping for girl stuff was one of them. He looked around and saw a half dozen of graphic T-shirts Toni already owned. When he spotted the one she was wearing the first time he laid eyes on her, he couldn’t help but smile.

He followed Karma into the shoe section where she picked up a pair of black stiletto boots that had to go above the knee. They were sexy as hell.

Karma tried them on over her tight jeans. “Toni’s been drooling over these for months.”

“You don’t think she’d wear them outside the bedroom do you?”

Karma shrugged and giggled. “You know Toni.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of.” He rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head. “Okay, I’ll buy them.” He’d just have to make sure she never wore them in public. Toni had no idea how hot she looked, and he didn’t want anyone else knowing it either. Good thing he had ways of distracting her. “What else?”

Karma went around the store picking out hats, fingerless gloves, arm warmers, and stockings. God help him if Toni wore the fishnet stockings with the naughty-school-girl skirt Karma added to the pile, and those boots—he’d be a goner. He paid for the purchases and grabbed the bags. “Where to next?”

Karma slid her arm through his and headed in the opposite direction of where they were parked. Not a good sign. “Victoria Secret.”

“Kill me now.”

“I know for a fact you like Toni wearing nice lingerie.”

“Yeah, and I don’t even mind hand washing it. I just don’t want to buy it. Besides, the way I look at it, it’s more of a present for me than it is for her. Wouldn’t that be a little selfish of me? It would be like buying myself a Christmas present.”

“Not afraid, but damn, Karma. The last thing I want to do is shop for naughty lingerie with my little sister.”

“Time to put your big-boy boxers on Hunter and get over yourself.”

“I thought I did that when I bought the boots.”

Karma just chuckled and led him right into what he was sure was the bowls of hell.

So tell me, do you have a shopping phobia? Has anyone else taken a header off the belt of an old escalator and landed on a jewelry case? Am I the only one with a fear escalators and crowded Macy's elevators?

I'm with Kris. Love shopping - hate the crowds especially the rude people! I don't like elevators much either, Robin. My fear is getting stuck in one (without a book!) or having it drop like a rock. When we were little, there was only one store in town that had an escalator. We loved to play on it, but my mother tried to get us to stop by telling us a little boy's shoelace got stuck and he was sucked under. I'm verrry careful when I step on an escaltor even now.

No real fears but I do hate dealing with crowds. At all of 5 feet tall I hate being packed into the back of an elevator when all I can see is shoulder blades. Tonight after work I will finish my shopping so whoopie!!

Krisgils22 - Friday afternoon I had to run into the local Barnes and Noble, and it wasn't until I tried to find a parking place that I actually realized the the mall was connected to Barnes and Noble. I go to Barnes and Noble frequently, the mall--never. Okay, never unless my mother is visiting. It took me a half hour to find a parking place in the next county. And that was a Friday afternoon! I can't imagine what it's like at night and on weekends!

@Kima - My kids never played on escalators--maybe because we rarely shop. I guess that's one way to keep your kids from being mentally scarred, avoid shopping. It works for me!

@ Mo - Lucky you, I haven't even started my Christmas shopping except to buy Twinkle Toes Christie/CC Hunter's new book--yeah, I bought one present. That's so not a good thing. I did, however, finish knitting one gift. I hope the person I gave it to loves it. I had a hard time parting with it.

Escalators are not fun, especially if you’re disabled. In Seattle, I worked in an office building which had a mall on the first two floors. One afternoon, I was walking by and a person with MS had fallen at the base. Can you believe people were stepping on her, not offering help, and angry she was blocking the exit? Several people thought she was a homeless drunk. Geeze people, look at her nice clothing. If they had taken the time, they would have understood the problem. Anyway, I reached out a hand and pulled her to safety, then another woman went to retrieve her packages. The poor shaken woman refused help, only asking to be escorted to a seat to gather herself. My heart went out to her, but she didn’t want sympathy. I have friends with MS, and I know how much pride they have. I wish people would slow down and not jump to conslusions.Sorry for such a sad story, but your blog was a good reminder to me, to slow down this holiday season. Thanks for sharing, Robin.

OMG, Robin. My heart stopped when I read that story. So glad you made it through your childhood unscathed, lol. Hunter is soooo man in his gift giving. Like you, I stopped shopping in the mall or Walmart the week of Thanksgiving and don't return until the January SALES!!! (if then) liviaquinnwrites@gmailDOTcomLivia

I am not a real big fan of crowds in stores. Luckily I have not had an serious incidents yet, but Im sure one will happen one day that is the way my life goes. Until then I try to do as much shopping early or online as possible.

@ Gail - I think I need to get a personal shopper--I've often thought if the marriage and family therapy business didn't work out for my mother, it would be the perfect job for her...

@ MsChris1161 - you didn't leave your email address... but then no one has. I'll have to post the winners tomorrow. I hope you'll stop back and take a look. I use random.org. Good luck!

@ Petite - the other thing I hate about shopping is all the perfumes. I have to hold my breath when I pass by smelly stores like Hollister--I couldn't shop there if I wanted to!

@ Elizabeth - I have a disabled daughter so I know exactly what you're talking about. I was taking her back home after having her at Shriner's Childrens Hospital in Chicago. She wasn't able to walk at the time and we had a special stroller for disabled kids. The security attendant wanted me to put the heavy stroller on the belt to go through the X-ray machine. I was all alone with Mini-Me, I couldn't hold her and fold up the stroller at the same time so I asked if he would help me. He refused. There were people walking all over the place and there was no safe place to put Mini-Me who was about 15 months old. I ended up having to set her on a cold dirty floor and pray no one stepped on her while I struggled with this huge umbrella-like stroller on the belt and pressed together so it would fit through. I was so angry, it was all I could do not to cry. People just grumbled about me holding up the line. Not one person offered to help. Mini-me was so scared, she was crying--it was horrible!

@ Livia - I survived and yes, Hunter is truly a guy. Good thing he has Karma to help him out.

@ Traveler - It totally agree!

@ Donnas - I hope for your sake that your shopping will always be uneventful. I do love the fact that I can shop on line now. :)

I love shopping! I don't have to buy anything, but I love looking at and touching everything.

The only shopping "issue" I have is that I'm extremely clausterphobic. Being in a crowded mall during "prime" shoping hours puts me in a panic. So, I always go on off hours so there's less crowds to deal with.

*Don't enter me! I'm weird when it comes to shopping. I love it and hate it at the same time. I love shopping for someone else, but hate shopping for me (Unless it's the bookstore!.) I may, or may not (I'm not incriminating myself) have been six years old and shopping a mall with my parents and found the magic red button that turns off the escalator and made an alarm come on. *g*

I'm afraid of heights so I hate escalators. I freak out when I see little children riding them alone. I'm always afraid they will get hurt.

I hate long lines so I usually shop online stores. I do love the shop online/pick up in store option that some online retailers have. I did that this week. I knew my items were instock without having to go to the store.

I am TERRIFIED of escalators lol. I make my hubby or mom hold my hand whenever I have to go on them and during Black Friday shopping (crazy, yes) I almost fell down one, due to so many people pushing and shoving. Hate heights, so I guess that works together. I always hate the feeling of moving down and not being in control lol. And a man like Hunter sounds AMAZING :P my hubby's a gamer lol he wouldn't know what to do if my BFF took him shopping for me lol

@ Refhater - I can see why you avoid the crowds. I guess I'd like shopping better if I could afford to buy what I want. Unfortunately, I have really expensive taste. It's gonna be a while before I can buy the things I dream about--like my $10,000 WolF stove. Sigh... for now, I just look at the picture and dream of having a 60" stove and double ovens that have a constant temperature...

@ Brandy - That was you? LOL how funny!

@ Stacie - Yeah, I'm the same way, it's weird when my son takes my hand and pulls me onto an escalator. Not so much now that he's bigger than me, but still embarrassing none-the-less.

@ Nicole - The story of you almost falling sent chills up my spine. I'm so glad you like Hunter. He's really a doll, but still a guy--that Y chromosome is something else!

@ Chey - I have a friend that only shops on Monday mornings because the mall is deserted. I think she hates lines...

Loved your post so funny! I don't like shopping either and most of my shopping is either gift cards or money, some of the shopping is done on line. Town is really crouded right now but I do have to get each week to get groceries and things I need and Walmart is about the only place we have here to do that, bad, bad, bad Walmart. I have been seeing your book around and it looks really good.

Kristi - The whole problem making up your mind is so relatable--but then so is the claustrophobia. I like shopping on line so I can add something to my favorites and then go back later and see if I still want to buy it.

@ Virginia - I asked my mom to get the kids gift cards, she buys them clothes they don't fit into or wouldn't wear if their life depended upon it and then it's my job to return things. I hate reverse shopping even more than I hate shopping. Gift cards are a mother's dream!

Nothing as funny as that but I'm just not a shopper. When I was growing up my mom worked in a dept. store which was good since I got a lot of clothes but she never took us shopping and just picked things out and that was it - no choice. Now I have a horrible time making decisions, especially for myself lol.

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