Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

Any resources for spouses?

I am brand new to codepency recovery. I seperated from my husband four months ago and we are now living back together. I am reading Pia Mellody's Facing Codepency and working throught the corresponding workbook Breaking Free. It is dead on. It is me, my life, and everything about me. I'm grateful I've found it...and yet feeling a little crazy at the moment. I know all of this is "normal" because I'm just a newbie. My question is this -- How can I explain to my husband what this feels like? Every time I go to talk with him, I feel either embarassed to bring up my feelings, insecure, or just plain nuts. Then I do my best to describe my feelings and how I don't want or need him to "fix" this for me...in fact, he shouldn't even try because it makes it worse. He looks perplexed and then I feel worse. Help! Any online resources I could give him or books would be great.

This is only a suggestion but maybe offer him the book you are reading. Give him the opportunity to know you better from the perspective of what has been researched and documented.
Most people don't understand the complexity of codependency, it is not easy to grasp the meaning. The multilevels that it operates on manifests differently for people who have it. So it is not easy to put it into a nutshell. It is frustrating when someone offers you advice when they have not begun to understand what they are talking about. It is easy to address the various symptoms, getting to understand the core problems is whole different matter. I would not try to educate your spouse unless he want to understand and show interest. I would suggest to you to concentrate on yourself, put yourself on the road to recovery, he will get that something is changing, it may take a little time for him to figure it out.

Trying to explain yourself to your husband at this stage in your recovery is a little like trying to teach someone braille when you have just discovered you are blind.

I suggest that you get to as many CoDA or Al-Anon meetings as you can, focus on your own recovery, and let him see the difference in the way you are living and reacting. That is the only effective way to carry the message of transformation. When he is ready, he will ask you, if he is interested, in what is making the difference. Until he wants to know, offering him information is not likely to be useful, especially when you are just learning about yourself.

I definitely agree with Grace here, and I like Corall's idea except I would say not to give your husband that book and instead just leave it laying around where he can see it and he can read it if he chooses.

And another thing I dislike about telling this to the hubby is that for codependency it is a way of passing-the-buck as if giving the info to him is you doing some thing to &quot;fix it&quot; when you already know that him trying to &quot;fix it&quot; will not be helpful.

It is a codependency &quot;control&quot; trick.

It is a way of self-destructing when you give the problem to the hubby and then it will be his fault for screwing it up.

Thank you so much! It's so nice to be among friend who get it and understand. You are right...I need to focus on myself. I am stuck at the place right now where I don't trust my own judgement. After reading for about 2 weeks straight, I can't decide half the time whether I'm saying things because I &quot;feel&quot; a certain way...or am I trying to &quot;control&quot; something. Very unsure of myself right now. Want to perhaps not talk for about month...haha...just to make sure I don't screw anything else up.

I also don't know what to do about my husband. I wish I would have found these books before I told my husband I wanted to reconcile (which he completely agreed to...he hated being apart). But almost immediately after he was back, I could feel myself sinking and feeling trapped again. So strange, because he's a really sweet man. But I've come to learn with my reading...that he is the perfect match for me and my codependency. I don't hold him accountable and he doesn't hold me accountable. It's very strange...it's like we are the two most passive people on the planet. When we lived apart we both came ALIVE it seemed and begane to do and be what we should....but now it's back to same ol same ol. I think he should have stayed gone. But I take responsibilty for that, I got lonely.

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