Monday, December 25, 2006

1. Commitment shouldn't happen when one doesn't understand what commitment is and what life is. Otherwise you're bound for disaster. (The young usually understand neither)

2. Love isn't that when you wake up in the morning and you look at your partner and decide that you don't love him anymore because the feelings of romance are gone. Romance only lasts about 5 years. After the courtship period is over, there's not much more point to it.

3. Love that works best is based on faith in god. Next up is based on family and the children.Most people are based on "Are you good for me?"

4. LDRs? Some people are together all the time and stray the moment there's opportunity. Some people are often apart, but stay faithful to the end. (Trust, loyalty and character are an issue)

5. LDRs don't work because they're based on physical intimacy.

I have some thoughts about what she said, what are yours?

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Me: (wrapping presents) Uh oh. No more wrapping paper.Mum: Really? Don't you have those small pieces?Me: Not big enough for my present for Big Bro.Mum: Well, we'll just have to make do with what we have. Here, let me help you...

Me: Hmm. None of the pieces are large enough to cover the whole present. Like patchwork right?Mum: Brown one can cover just a little more than the large sides f the box, ditto for the boxed snowmen wrapping. We'll use them to cover the largest sides like so...Me: ...and patch the holes with the red wrapping...Mum: Hmm, doesn't quite cover the box unless we pull really tightly...

Some massive amount of cellotaping later,

Me: Er. It's so obvious that we were scrapping the bottom.Mum: Nonsense. It's your brother we're talking about, he won't even notice.Me: Hmmm.

Later after presents are handed out,Me: So Bro, what did you think of the present wrapping?Bro: Huh? What? Er, oh! You mean mum's present? The blue one?Mum: Hee. Told ya.Me: Heh.Bro: What? What? What did I miss?

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Watched peformance by the Illuminated Phoenix. A pity he had a sore throat so a bit soft, but the performance was a real crowd stopper none the less. I really enjoyed listening to the singing. Can't wait to see him in peak performance next year. Must bring the whole gang to cheer! :)

(psst, Phoenix? Your present was orignally meant to be a shared present by everyone that was to be given soon after the ex incident. But Christmas was around the corner. :p )

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Only one present left to deliver. Wait for me, dear.

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Wonderful dinner! Must remember that turkey which have been pre-injected with broth taste so heavenly compared to regular turkey. Normally turkey meat is very dry after cooking, expecially the white meat. This one was super juicy and tasty.The five of us wallopped a HUGE turkey (4kg) that would normally cause "Christmas Turkey Leftovers Syndrome". Seriously.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

My brother entered a boxing match in Penang. Being the supportive brother I am, I drove up in the morning of his first match to give him support. If he did well, we would stay in Penang until the end of the tournament. His first fight was a Thai guy though - and you might know that Thai's are well known for their toughness.

The competition was pretty badly organised, and we had to wait pretty darn long for his match. Along the way. My brother wasn't too impressed - neither was I really. But he really expected more from the fighters. He thought their speed and power was severely lacking. I wasn't sure, but at the same time I wasn't that impressed.

Then I watched my brother practise throwing a few punches.

"You're seriously overestimating the speed of your own punches."

He gave excuses about that and rebutted. I didn't bother to argue.

My brother was in for quite a surprise. His match was very one-sided, and not in his favour. Heck, his lack of training and experience in boxing really showed. The skills and ability of the other fighter was also made pretty obvious, actually. My brother's loss was really quite a spectacle.

Oh well. He had fun. And we both agreed it was a very educational experience.

One thing sticks in my mind: I didn't feel very threatened watching the boxers fight. Even though I knew that I couldn't hold a candle to them in a boxing match. Even though I had just watched my stronger brother get utter humiliated in the ring. While I picked up some useful stuff by watching the matches, I don't really think one can depend on boxing alone for self defense. I could say the same for most martial arts, really.

I really didn't feel like staying in Penang after such a miserable performance. We drove home that very day.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Via sms:Me: Apollo, have you left something in my car?Apollo: Ei? Did I?Me: Nevermind.

Later via sms,Apollo: I rememebr now! I forgot my sunglasses.Me: Ei, what are you talking about?Apollo: Yah! I left my sunglasses in the back seat of your car, I forogt to bring down that day.Me: Are you certain?Apollo: I'm very sure! Please search your car for it, it should be in the back seat.Me: Are you really really sure you lost your sunglasses? Shane is really enjoying wearing them now. I thought they were his Christmas gift.Apollo: .................

Later,Shane: (wears sunglasses) Yeah, I'm stylish!Me: Yay. Go you.Shane: Let's pretend I'm blind so you can lead me around the mall and embarrass you in public! Woooot!Me: What? Why?

Some humiliation later,Shane: Time to go home now! Baibai!Me: Baibai!

Later,Me: ...I forgot to take the sunglasses didn't I?

Via sms,Shane: Er, I left them with Paul.Me: You left them with who???Apollo: BUNNY!!!!!!! Where are my sunglasses?Paul: Yeah, I'm stylish! And incredibly hard to reach these days.Me: Oh, shit...Apollo: BUNNY!!!!

----After some driving around, the sunglasses are returned.

Me: Acks.... Now I'm in Melaka but holding on to Apollo's present for Defiant. ^.^;;

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I've noticed that sometimes I'm able to communicate better over the online chat. Reason is pretty simple - I have more time to think about what I want to say. In a real conversation, my is vocabulary is far more limited unless I rehearse beforehand. You'll likely be surprised how much rehearsing I do.

Why are some people quiet, and some really chatty? It's at least partly to do with how fast we take to talk. Interestingly, most pairings I see of couples has one who is chatty and one who is quiet. I and Shane are no different.

We, the quiet ones, can't keep up sometimes, so we stay quiet. It isn't that we have nothing to say - just that we take longer to say it but the moment to speak has already passed. So our lover needs to slow down for us to give us a chance to know say what we're thinking at our own pace.

I'm glad for those opportunities, especially this early in the relationship. Hey, there may be hope for us yet. Let's try to forget what the naysayers have to say, eh? :)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I'm trying to forget some of the things my mum said so I don't stay angry, but I'll just mention some in passing.

Apparently, she's been thinking that me and my friends have been hanging out to have flings with each other. And she talked about how unsafe it was to have so many partners.

Me: But I said all of us have monotomous long-term relationships as our goal!Mum: Long term is relative mah. Can be anywhere from 3 months to a year.

She described my gay friends as "predatory" and was under the impression I was going to "parties" everyday. (Yeah, parties called KLCC, Mid Valley and the curve.)

("Forever? When you're bored of your current lay, just change to something new.")

I pointed at the mark on my neck.Me: This, is someone special. We intend to stay together until the day we die.

Mum: (looks straight in the eye) Good luck.

I really doubt it, son.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, mum.

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Have I ever mentioned that our song is done by Justin Timberlake? OUR song? By Justin Timberlake?

Its a good song mind you, and I'm more than willing to hum it along with my dear. But sometimes, I just can't help but cringe when I think of the guy singing it. You know, that guy who's trying ever so hard to prove that he's a lean and mean womanising motherfucker that hangs out with the real men ? (in spite of the girly voice worthy of a boyband)

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I think I understand now why my mum doesn't read my blog. She could if she wanted - she can get the address from my brother. Even my brother doesn't read my blog all that often. Hardly ever, in fact. I attributed this to boredom, but I'm starting to believe there are other reasons. My mum on the other hand, is VERY VERY 'KEPO'. So it's kind of inconsistent for her not to religiously practise her right to sift through her son's private belongings.

-----KEPO- nosy, minds other people's business----

Take my inspiration to show of my blogger friends to my mum for example. I sprung this surprise on my mum after lunch without telling her - because if I did tell her, she would have forbidden them entering the house. It stressed her out a great deal (I knew it would), but she played the part of the polite host (also as I knew she would). I was hoping she'd get less stressed as she got to know them; not sure if that turned out as planned.

Fortunately, she was very impressed with them. She implied that much. And yes, she was happy that I did show them to her so I could put her heart at ease a little. (Great work guys! You're officially allowed to make toilet stops at my house if we're close by. Er, something like that.)

The giant 'koyok' patch on my neck though did *not* put her at ease. No, she's not buying that I've got a stiff neck and the 'koyok' is to help it recover. Nice try guys, thanks for the effort. In fact, she doesn't want to know the details and asked that I don't go back to my hometown this weekend wearing that.

------'koyok' patch - Plaster with chems that supposedly helps muscle relax. Good for covering up things under the skin that you don't want people to see. Sorta.-----

She spent quite a bit of time stressing that she didn't want to know details about my private life - especially things that she's not prepared to have to deal with just yet. Don't overburden her with more than she can handle. I apologised about the springing of the surprise (which we agreed was beneficial in the end), but it became clear that she was actually talking about what was hidden under the 'koyok' patch. She would rather I left it there.

More than she can handle. Overburdening. Stressful. No wonder she doesn't read my blog.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

My mum has many nicknames for me. One of which is my current blog profile name, another which is 'The Epitome of Selekeh-ness' and 'Selekeh-ness Personfied'. I've never really found much reason to bother to pay enough attention to appearance, so my fashion sense among other things is a little rusty.

My brother reads my blog on occasion, so he already knows about Shane (he complained about the Skanky Duo desecrating the bathroom, how fair is that?). Mum doesn't know. But it's only a matter of time before she does.

1. Out all day with friends for the past few days2. Taking the trouble to dress nicely3. Always on chat and messaging like mad

I can hear the gears turning...

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Shane: ...Ban? That shirt doesn't go with sneakers.Ban: No? I don't have my own black shoes - only hand-me-downs.Shane: We've got to get you some then. Your shoes are so wrong... tuck out your shirt.Ban: (does so)Shane: Roll up your sleeves.Ban: (does so)Shane: Oh, my dear. Why didn't you wear your usual clothes?Ban: I'm trying to look good for you.Shane: I'm impressed enough already, you don't have to impress me further (Showing off your bad fashion sense doesn't help that...)Ban: ...Shane: We've got to get you a new shirt.

Whatever happened to the fabled gay man's uncanny dress sense? I need it so badly nowww!!!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

I've been busy! Hanging out with blogger friends, making new friends, running here and there and making arrangements - it's been a pretty hectic week!Trying out a different style, let's see how it goes. Snippets, I call it.

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Mum: Ban, please phone your brother and ask him if he's coming for lunch. Kakak needs to know how many people to cook for.Ban: Okay. (dials)Bro: (grudgy)...huh?Ban: Lunch at one! You coming?Bro: ...uh?...Lunch?...What about you?Ban: No, I don't think so. I'll be going out with friends.Bro: ...Yeah...I'll be there.Ban: K, see you later.Bro: ...mm...(*click* duu duu duu)

Getting a little lost is actually quite fun if you're in good company. :)

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Gotta watch myself. Temptation levels rising.

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Ended the day with a chat with mum, who needed some love and attention after her son who has just come back from Oz spent the whole day running around with friends.

Some problems must be solved in big steps - these are the most daunting and the hardest. Most problems though can be solved in small steps, a little at a time but with definite signficant change for the better. This was one of the fruits of our conversation. Plan for the long term, Strapping Shane.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Yes, there’s big news in our small circle of bloggers. But let me speak in general and not dwell too much into matters I know little about.

When it comes to unfaithfulness in relationships, it seems like it’s always the ‘bottom’ who suffers – the one who is dominated. After all, the one who dominates (i.e. the ‘top’) in the relationship is more than happy to seek more people to dominate whereas the one who is dominated is looking for security in the one trusted to lead and protect. It is the 'bottom' who needs to be careful and to watch his partner's motives. More often than not, they're unable to - it comes with the seeking of security. The 'tops' tend to get away with unfaithfulness, at least for awhile.

Is it really worth it? Most gay men end up either alone and unloved. That or giving up on gay relationship altogether and trick a poor girl into getting married (often with some infidelity on the side).

Apparently, most get married.

Do they really want to end up alone? Or never knowing the love from the person that the truly care about? Considering how hard it is to find a life partner, why do people try to play around?

Quoting my biological father: “Because I can.”

Can you, really? Did you count the cost? Did you consider what you’ll lose in the end? Was it worth the risk?

One man lost the woman of his dreams and the respect of his children. His reputation is disgraced in public as an adulterer, and worse, an adulterer who could not keep his woman in spite of his misdeeds. He has given up on love from a loving wife, choosing instead dominance and power. He has no choice – he doesn’t know how to keep a woman loving him anymore. He doesn’t know how to treat her with respect or care for her needs – only to bait her with wealth, security and public prominence. It's inevitable that she will begin to hate him, even though she will stay. Once that occurs, will the children want to have anything to do with him when they grow up, much less take care of him in his old age?

Unfaithfulness has been around for eons. The concept of being faithful to one partner is in fact younger – it’s a concept that has come about for a reason. Neglect it to your own risk.

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Disclaimer. This is NOT me:

the killer tomato said...

I HAVE COME TO CRUSH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL OF YOU AND MAKE YOU INTO HUMAN PASTA SAUCE!!!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Ah, how I missed the Malaysian radio! The questionable music, the irritable DJs, the nonsensical adverts... speaking of which have you heard this advert?

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She who has the stopping power may win you up to RM30,000!The H&S traffic stopping girl is coming to a town near you!Look for the girl with soft, silky, shiny hair!Don't forget to ask her this question: Are you the H&S traffic stopping girl?

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What a neat pickup line! Traffic stopping girl huh?...

Able to stop traffic with a single glance!

SBB seal of disapproval

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The honeymooners unfortunately had to cancel their plans. Such a wasted opportunity to recruit more minions, tch! MBB's a little disappointed, but got chores to do anyway so it works out.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Penang airport has many unused outlets located close to seats, imagine that. Lots of massage chairs that nobody uses and can be sat on while the massage chair plug is subtly replaced by the laptop’s plug too. Which is all great, seeing as how the plane has just been delayed due to heavy rain.

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What a rushed week! Back from Australia on Thursday, fly to Penang on Saturday early morning, attend conference that same day until 10.30pm that night, more conference until Monday, and a workshop on Tuesday followed by a flight back to KL at night. *phew*

There’s another workshop on Thursday and Friday back in Melaka. I really want to go, but I’m kinda tiring out. Car battery is down too – may not be able to fix it by then. And I’ve promised to bring some friends down for a honeymoon of sorts to Melaka on Monday. (Time for me to make like a lamp post… *grumble grumble*)

Had to bunk with VC, one of the founders of the place I used to work at and . Shared with him my notes through the magic of IT. Well, it’s not my fault all three courses fit on one pen-drive. :P I’m already planning what I which parts of the course I want to share with my colleges back there.

The conference itself was absolutely fantastic. Only a handful of people were organizing it, but to be honest, the quality of the organization and punctuality was of international standards. And this time we managed to get the main Ministries involved with early childhood education to participate – namely the Ministry of Education, The Ministry of Health, Ministry of Welfare and the Ministry of Women, …er, something-and-something. Why so many Ministries are involved? Due to the lack of a Special Education Ministry, hence all the ministries with a finger in the pot need to be there. *rolls eyes*

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I and VC had lots to chat about. Not about me and my ‘life choices’, fortunately. We talked about the conference content. We talked about inclusion. We talked about the assessment tool for autism he’s going to be trained to use. We talked about the future of special education in Malaysia. We talked about his future as he has just retired as a teacher, submitted his PHD thesis. EVERYONE knows he’s going to end up in the center as a teacher and perhaps researcher. Many people have been ‘warning’ him to watch out. It’s a case of unusually rare ability and opportunity being met in one person. He wasn’t going to waste it.

Me: Of course I also hope to see you there eventually, what with the influx of new teachers and all. But I think you owe it to yourself to take a break first. Probably to your family too. I think they deserve more time with you after the amount of time you’ve spent on the PHD and everything else.

VC: You’re probably right about that.

VC: Thanks, Ban. I appreciate it. Especially coming from you.

Er? What does that mean?

We talked about my future. VC encouraged me to go further to complete a doctorate.

Unlike VC, I didn’t get high distinctions on my application papers. And I don’t have a research paper topic yet. And all that reading in my masters was like nothing compared to what’s needed for a PHD, and I was already barely on top of my work. Compare that to VC who was religiously reading

VC has a special child, hence lots of reason to research how to best educate his child himself when there’s a lack of services in Melaka. VC’s religion lends him a strong ‘calling’ to serve. He’s got the dedication, he’s got the responsibility.

I’m just a spoilt kid who has nothing much else to do with my life.

Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

I got lost on my way back to the hotel from finding dinner at Metrojaya (there wasn’t much there). Arrived (on foot) just in time to catch the taxi to the airport for the flight, sweaty and tired. Wet towelled myself off since there wasn’t time for a bath and left, thanking VC for his time.

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Morning, me walks in with the rabbit in tow.

Mum: Aiyo! Your terrible hair! You didn't get it cut before the conference? What did all the people say in the morning? Didn't I tell you to cut it before you go? You blablablablablabla...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

First Paper: (Key Research Isues and Methods in Special Education)Wah, can can. Okay, doesn't seem to be any problems. All the papers were open book, and I know pretty much where everything is so I can look back when I need it. It's an application exercise though, so open book doesn't help very much. Went home and studied for next paper.

Second Paper: (Curriculum and instructionfor individuals with high support needs)Alright, this paper went quite alright! Luckily I reread the bulletin board examples and went for the problem sovling class. Finished way a head of time just like the last one. Brimming with confidence now, got a bit lazy to do more revision for next paper tomorrow...

Thid paper: (Behaviour problems and classroom management)O.o Wow, such subjective questions. Never seen anything like it before. So much to write, er, what on earth does this question want? Err, I'm getting confused, I thought I studied that properly. Oh noes, I'm running out of time!! Help!!!

After third paper the students started discussing in frenzy what on earth we wrote for various answers."What did you write for that question?""What on earth did she(lecturer) mean by 3 components of intervention, then 4 suggestions for each component? That's like 12 strategies or what? How do you divide them ino 3 components?""What did you say needed to be investigated for that question?""Oh no! I got confused between precorrection and Colvin's 7 stages of acting-out behaviour.""I can kiss those marks goodbye. T.T "

Etch.

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Oh well. I should be packing and vacuuming and storing and throwing away rubbsh and stuff. Anytime now. Tomorrow I leave for home, taking the bus and train to airport. It's funny to think that I'm on my way home tomorrow until Febuary. Huh. Miss you all.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Greetings from your superior in intellect! I'm back after a long break from blogging, having fought of the evils of Barney. (Mr Ruuuuu... I hope you've inroduced it to your gaming group. )

MBB has been busy teaching the kids and all, with stuffing a little studying here and there in between computer games. What a naughty naughty bunny. Heh, but bunnies are better that way. If only he would take me out more often. Claims he has to keep the world safe from me. What bother.

I've also noticed that the blogger community seems to have expanded while I was away. Pooh! You're all supposed to wait for meeeee! The wheels of time and space turn for my benefit, after all. Baaaaad minions! No biscuit!

I can't wait to go back to Malaysia! MBB says he isn't thinking about it very much - he lives day to day pretty much. Not like me, I like to plan. And plot. Ooooh, the things I've planned to do when I get back. On top of my last list, I'm looking forward to meeting all the bloggers. Now if only I can convince MBB to bring me around KL (must consult doc Paul for the proper drugs to use)...

Monday, October 23, 2006

But good stress, mind you. :) The practical training teaching is full-on. Which is good. The hours are pseudo-woking hours (ie long and tiring), but a little more structure in the daily routine goes a long way, work efficiency-wise. It may be tough to study at home after nearly a full day's work at the teaching center, but it's still better than the ultimate lecture flexibility hours of my course that calls for titanic discipline.

Okay, I'm just making excuses. But I can get that right... next term.

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The weather forecast for today is a Monsoon. It's going to be raining cats and... cats.

*muuuuuaaaagh* Hey Corren, isn't there anything interesting to do around here?

Okay, verrrrry funny. Crossdressing does *not* count as interesting. Get me out of this dress or I claw your boyfriend in the nuts. You have 5 seconds.

Woohoo! I'm not sure what I just ate, but I feel greeeeaaaat! Time to do things which I will regret in the morning!

No, I'm not stuck. I'm just admiring the view. And no, I'm *not* letting you see what I'm wearing behind these blinds.*sigh* ...just call the firemen already.

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Geek post alert!(you have been warned!)

BUNNY NUKINGA 'wonderful' tactic for Baldur's Gate 2: Throne of Bhaal

Limited Wish - this 7th level spell summons a genie that will grant one wish - to a limited effect. Well, it doesn't help that the genie tries to manipulate your wishes as far as it possibly can to it's own amusement. Using a character with high wisdom helps making appropriate wishes. A LOT.Case in point, saying, "I wish to summon a horde to overrun my enemies!" will summon 20 rabbits. Rabbits that attract enemies like flies to honey, strangely. Maybe monsters don't like rabbits.

Wish - only available in the expansion pack, Throne of Bhaal, this incredibly potent 9th level spell is limited only by a random list of possible wishes based on your wisdom. Some of the choices from a Wish spell include setting everyone's strength to 18 (friend or foe), making a random wand appear in your inventory, making it as if the party has rested for 8 hours and rememorised all spells, cast Abi-Dazim's Horrid Wilting on EVERY creature in the map (incredibly high-damage, area of effect nuking spell)...

Got it?

Quote: "...i just cant get this image of a mushroom cloud with cute bunny ears and a twitchy nose out of my head..."

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Just a quick update - doing my practicum now. Very useful, learning a lot, almost working hours everyday (8.30am - 3.30pm) , great need to do reading at the end of the day. Pretty tiring, but really full on learning since I came here.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Seriously, I'm getting pretty annoyed with the fact that I can't quite estimate just how much time I should be dedicating to studying. The flexibility of this course is great if you're very very disciplined and dedicated (and I've figured out that not everyone on the course is), but heck is it starting to grate me.

Then again, I AM supposed to be a full-time student.

Ergh.

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A past event, that I was reminded of recently:

"You know, I never really figured out why your father told me the truth in the end. While in my heart I knew what he was doing, I would never had dared to leave him if he didn't openly admit to adultery," my mum said.

She had a point. It's something that we'd been wondering about for a while. As much as we turned it in our heads, something about the whole thing seemed off. Inconsistent. As if there was an important part of the story missing.

What was it that elderly guy told me? Open your mind to both sides of the story?A thought occured to me then. And as it struck me, I was suddenly certain it was true. It happens.

"He wanted love."

My mum was quite taken aback.

"He wanted to be loved by you. After so many years of treating you badly, he could feel that he'd lost your love. And how could you love him?"

It all fit. He was probably tired of pretending that the prostitutes he was visiting actually loved him while the rest of the time he was practically shunned back home (the pretending to be loved by the prostitutes was his description). While it was true that my mum would never leave without concrete proof, he could never win her heart with all the suspicion hanging over his head. The only option was to admit, then promise change.

It was a worthy gamble. After all, he was good looking, smart, fit, had high social status (fame?) - He was utterly confident in keeping her after that. His obedient Christian wife (religion says be subservient to your husband, remember?) wouldn't dare leave him if he said he was repentant and was going to follow Christ from then on. It was unthinkable.

He lost that gamble. I guess he just didn't realise how repulsive he'd been all this time. How much pain he had caused all this time. How much he disgust the person whose heart he was trying to win.

Was it sincere? Would he really have changed? Perhaps. Although when pastor described to him how he can change to be a better man in order to win my mother's heart, the man replied, "If I do that, I'll be a dead duck." And left. Change is difficult and a slow process - he knew that he was so far from the picture the pastor had painted that he lacked either the strength or the motivation to.

Anyway, it shouldn't effect my mum's right to decide what she wanted. And she decided she had had enough from the guy. Why risk it?

Although my mum wasn't in the wrong, I don't think she was very comfortable with the idea that the man had really been trying to win her love. It made the monster seem human.

How much have you lost by putting yourself above everything else, my father? You are unlovable, therefore you've settled for the next best thing: Power. And how you lord it over your new wife. It's enevitable that she will stop loving you, but that no longer matters to you since THIS wife will never leave.

What was that another elderly man once said about marraige? "I don't care if I'm loved. It's more important that I'm respected."

You are a sad, sad man.

To love a person and to want to be loved are two different things altogether. If you do not love in return, you're likely to lose what love you have.

Nice theory. Now, if only I had some experience to put it into practise without blowing things up in my face.

Bodhi: (raises eyebrow) "You've got some nerve coming here by yourself, little elf. Alone. Haven't you noticed I'm surrounded by my coven of vampires? Have you come to beg for mercy for your comrades? Or plead for the life of your comrade Jaheira who I have turned to my side?"

Aerie: "Hmph. JAHEIRA! I challenge you and your coven for extra hugs privalegdes from Woggles!"

Bodhi: "..oh, this is rich. I and my coven are being challenged by the frail, weak and notoriously weakest member of Woggle's party."

Weak. Frail. Likely to be blown away by a light gust of wind if she's not careful.

Aerie: "I'm challenging Jaheira, not you."Bodhi: "Oh, for...Haven't you noticed Jaheira's under my spell? All it took was a quick bite to her neck."Bodhi: "The elves sent you didn't they? The elves are cowardly and weak! I shall have my revenge on those elves! They were mean to me and my brother Irenicus! I'm really pissed off with the elves! Bla bla bla..."

Aerie: "Oh, stop whining. It's annoying. Whine whine whine, is that all you can do?"

Imoen: (rolls eyes)Keldorn: "Not a word. Not ONE word."Woggles: "Huh?"Minsc: (still trying to bang down door)

Bodhi: (waits even more) "Okay, this is ridiculous. Maybe I should knock that door open myself...AAARGH!!"

The pool of blood which the vampires had been drawing power from has been purified with holy water.Aerie: "Hope you don't mind. Pools of blood are way icky."Another Aerie: "Did you design this decor? You should watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."Yet another Aerie: "Sorry to keep you waiting."Yes, YET another Aerie: "Let's get on with it, shall we?" (starts casting)

Bodhi: "Get her!"Fledgling Vampire: "Which one? There're so many of her!"Vampire: "Images! Blurry images..."Bodhi: "ANY ONE! Just get her!"Vampire: "Even the images are protected by magic! Or is that the real..."

*FOOOM!*

"Arghh!!""That one! That one!"

*WHOOSH*

"No, the other one! The other one!"

*KRAKOOM!*

"It burns, it burns!"

*BOOM*

"Aieee!!!""It's AERIE! Get it right!"

*SIZZLE*

"Eeks!"

Imoen: "...you know, I wouldn't want to be in that room just yet."Minsc: "My witch! I must save my witch! Raaaaargh!" (batters at door with Hamer of Thunderbolts)Imoen: "...forget I said anything."

Aerie: (blessed by Draw Upon Holy Might and protected by Sanctuary for duration of transformation)Aerie: (casting spell)Aerie: In the name of the Magical Girls... I will punish you! (spell cast)Aerie: (Emeges from Sanctuary, transformed by the power of Tenser!)

Oh my...

Aerie: (is essentially a burtish monstrosity now. Xena has nothing on this she-hulk. Heck, She-hulk has nothing on her.)

Aerie: "...Oh my..."Bodhi: "...Oh my..."

Woggles: "...Oh my..."Imoen: "What are you blabbering about? We're still behind this door!"

Aerie: "Oh well. Whatever works." (starts beating the crap out of Bodhi with her mace)Bodhi: "It...it hurts so much..."

The great pity is that Aerie wasn't a high level enough at that point to put Righteous Magic and Tenser's Transfromation into some combination of Contingencies and Sequencers. Fortunately, the mighty Draw Upon Holy Might and Sanctuary spells are low level enough for even a minor sequencer. Great bang for the buck.

Yeah, I've been taking an extended break. Better get back to work soon. :p

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

You know what? It's becoming more and more obvious that this entre endeavour is becoming some sort of ronin pilgrimage for me. I'm being tested in every weakness possible and found wanting.

Case in point. Due to the incredibly flexible nature of the courses in which you self-study but MUST finish certain modules within certain dates, you've got to have an enormous amount of discipline and time organisational skills. Guess what? I misread a date for the dates of a module after the Uni break. In other words, I'm going to be penalized for not being organised enough.

Can't I catch a break?

I'm desperately trying to make up for it somehow with my lecturer (who says nothing can be done), so I'm resorting to trying to show as much as possible that I'm going to work at that topic and cover my participation in it via emailing him. In other words, try to impress him as far as possible so I won't be penalised (penalisation is subjective as far as I can tell). Only I can't remember the name of the book I'm trying to quote.

I reaaaally want the name of that book. Been trying all sorts of combinations that might be the book in amazon, google, smsing my colleges back in the center in Malaysia, phoning the ones who didn't reply immediately (money is no longer an issue!)...

Am I getting desperate? Absolutely. I'm at the verge of tears here. God damnit, I've never cried so much in such a short space of time in my life. I'm NOT going to cry again tonight.

In other news I got my results back, not too shabby though I wanted to do better. (credit) Though after discussing it I could see that no amount of studying would have improved those scores. Especially considering I overstudied one of the papers. Yes, seriously. I overstudied. Can you believe that? GRAAAHH!!!!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It isn't easy to do work that won't benefit you. Truth be told, I probably won't ever regain the money I spent on this course through the work I plan to do with it. Coupled with the fact that I've picked up bad studying habits (ie lack of studying) from my last course which I hated, and the fact that I have little personal ambition material-wise, I'm having to put a lot of effort just to keep up to date with regular studying. Yeah I'm making excuses for myself. But I'm still going to do it at the end of the day. Just trying to make sense of why I'm having a hard time. Then again, are Masters ever easy?

So, why am I putting myself through this?

In a way, it's filling a gap. Some of you may know that priorto accepting myself as I am now I used to be a staunch Christian. Thing about that is, my life had a very strong sense of purpose until quite recently. There's a big gaping hole left behind from where used to be the religion that was the central focus on my life, to be prioritized above ALL else. I kid you not. Much of the training I received from the church, Christian camps, leadership camps, youth groups, counselling, was to dedicate your life to Jesus and put him in the "driver's seat" as far as possible, and mantaining the illusion of a 'relationship with God' instead of a religion.

This sort of work gives me some sense of purpose, some way of finding some sense of respect for myself after all the mistakes I've made. It has been hard on me, yes. After teaching for some time, continuing my studies in the field is the 'practical' next step to take, since I *can*. Where else can I go?

It goes without saying I was never prepared for making these kind of sacrifices. Not blaming you, mum. You know I love you. (If you're reading this my dear brother, please don't direct her to my website, thank you)

But then again, who is ready? I'm not the only one working in this sort of field. I know of this from very influencial special education teacher from an non-profit organisation in Penang, who's trained new teachers in the skills she's learnt over the years for no benefit to herself. In the end, someone hired these teacers to form a *profit* organisation and took them away from her non-profit work that benefits the poor. She must have been devastated, but the point is, she continues her work. She still gives herself freely to her work, not profiting herself, even though others may stand to gain from it. It may be partly because she's been doing it for so long and it's all she has, but she isn't backing down either. Did I mention most people in this line in Malaysia are married to their job? (i.e. single)

I envy that sort of strength and dedication. The only way to overcome weakness is to become stronger. I'm tired of being helpless and dependant. I need to be strong enough for other people to rely on *continually*. That's part of the dream. It's ... pretty far away now. Shit, nearly cried as I typed that.

Here's an interesting meme, that's just a wee bit scary. Remember the boggart from the Harry Potter series? It's a creature that changes to the form of you worst fear. The only cure for it is laughter, using the spell 'Riddikulus' to will the creature to take a more amusing form that will make you laugh.

It's a *great* character developement device, story-wise. A bit too convenient for many purposes (training against your worst fear, yadda yadda), but nevermind about that.

Imagine you're a student in Harry Potter's class, and Lupin the defense against dark arts teacher has just explained and demonstarted how to defeat a boggart. Your turn is coming up, what will the boggart turn into and what 'more amusing' form will you make it take via the 'Riddikulus' spell?

The format for ths meme is:

(Your reaction) when the boggart assumes the form of (worst fear).

(optional description of action) I cast the incantation, RIDDIKULUS!

(what happens to the boggart.)

(your reaction along with the rest of the class)

Explaining *what* the thing is that the boggart has turned into is optional, for the sake of privacy. Just remember, it should be something you really fear. A nuclear holocaust doesn't count unless you've actually been worrying about one happening anytime soon!

I'll start first.

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My face contorts into a mix of fear and anger when the boggart assumes the form of a young, somewhat good looking man whose age is difficult to determine. He's not wearing anything.

Very quickly, I whip out my wand andI cast the incantation, RIDDIKULUS!

Nothing seems to happen at first, but when the man's face grimaces in alarm I know my spell has worked. He turns slowly, to reveal a boot stuck halfway up his behind.

Initially, the class gasps (who was this naked guy anyway?), but eventually start to giggle. Giggling gives way to laughter, and soon the whole class is roaring with laughter at the sight. Lupin cocks one eyebrow, amused but not exactly approving. I smile, extremely satisfied. Sure it's not laughter and not going to dispell the Boggart, but do I want to at this point?

Friday, September 08, 2006

I don't get it. Most of my waking hours are dedicated to studying or rests between studying, with some games on the side. How on earth is one supposed to only have to spend 8-12 hours per week for each subject, as suggested? (3 subjects) LIES!

Why am I behind? There's some tests on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm practically speed reading through everything to keep on target instead of reading slowly through to absorb everything. Is everyone on the course having this much trouble? I'm not even working, while most of them are. What is wrong with me? I'm not an idiot. Maybe a slow reader, but it shouldn't be *this* bad. Am I being to soft on myself after so many years of poor level studying?

It's a Friday night. People outside are out socialising, having fun, being with friends. I have *zero* social life right now. I just don't have the time.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I know I should be studying, but I happened upon the works of Sue Deer, a webcomic artist who helps the Gneech (author/artist of Suburban Jungle) with his project Nevernever. To my surprise, the comic representation of herself in her comic is out dating someone new. What happened to her husband? I flipped back.

In short, if you couldn’t be bothered to read that, a couple is now divorced. Horrible? Yes, definitely. Tragic? Absolutely. Why? The issue revolves around that they can’t have children. They finally give up on the idea of having children due to health and monetary concerns. With kids no longer being the focus, the wife becomes more independent and social. The husband feels he isn’t needed and withdraws emotionally. The wife feels like a trophy because in public he’s clingy, but at home he’s like a room mate. The husband feels like an outcast around his friends, family and co-workers because they have children. He feels all he does is work and pay bills. As fate would have it, the husband’s ex-girlfriend gets divorced and is with a kid who is basically now fatherless. Guess what happens next?

All because they can’t have children.

I started off feeling really sorry about that. I still am. But somehow, the more I thought about it, the more trivial it seemed. Am I being cruel? Thoughtless? Uncaring? Shit to that.

Whatever relationship I’m going into in the future, from the get go I’m having childlessness looming over my head. And I started with the same dreams and presumptions that I can have a normal family life with my own kids as anyone else, thank you.

So, what happens to me and whoever I’m with after the euphoria of romance dies down? When we’re both aging and the hormones that feed our sexual appetite tapers off? Do we get demoted from ‘lovers’ to ‘room mates’? Hell, with our peers being gay as well I can just imagine the amount of jealousy flying around when either side just wants to hang out and socialize. (That doesn’t mean we don’t love each other, mind.) Don’t forget the fact that we’re likely financially independent from each other anyway. Oh, and we were never married in the *first* place. How could I forget that.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Who's the cutest of them all?Super Boing Boing!Who's the smartest smarty pants?Super Boing Boing!Who's the most dashing rabbit around?Super Boing Boing!Who's the rabbit you all love and worship?Super Boing Boing!Whoa, his rockin' bod!Super Boing Boing!

Lalalalala...

***********************

Things to do when I get back to Malaysia (in no particular order):1. Establis rule over soft toy menagerie in KL (Woggs and McDuff are prime targets)2. Start a business of shirts with slogan "SuperBoing Boing owns you!"3. Pulverise all those darn Rat rats in Ikea with a bat 4. Pawn everyones head in DOTA with the Alchemist5. Buy rabbit theme curtains for Calvin's Cosy Crib6. Pack that *darn* cat in a box and send it to Timbaktu7. Summon a minor demon to do my bidding8. Potatoes. Lots of potatoes. And onions.9. Run for prime minister

Monday, August 21, 2006

Due to... some trouble with my behind which I won't describe here (it's gross), the doctor has put me on some cream called Advantan (contains Methylprednisolone, which I research was first used to treat cows for something or another. I stopped reading at that point). That and Metamucil. My father, whom I'm the spitting image of, had to take Metamucil for piles.

So... at this rate I can also expect to get a pounched stomach in spite of the rest of me being skeleton thin? (just like father)

Friday, August 18, 2006

Yay, mum's leaving me alone. :) Papa had a talk with her and told her "What's important is that Ban's happy, not you" or something to that effect. (just confirms she made the right choice in husand this time, but I already knew that...)

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Guess what? Mum thinks I should go back to Malaysia at the endof the term. Permamently.

What, already? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Due to the nature of the course being so well designed to accomodate distance learning, she argued, why not do it distant?

Besides that, I'm not really mixing around much apart from going to Queerspace. Mum was expecting me to be surrounded by peers, meeting in classes everyday and being excited about the same subjects. Er, so was Iactually. She wasn't too thrilled that the group of gays and lesbians appeared to be the most social contact I'm making.

But then, I just got here. Sure I'm adjusting back to the student life, and juggling around household duties, but that's exactly the challenge I took upon myself. See, there's lots of other people who can do this course *and* work at the same time, where as I'm just a full-time student. If I can't pull myself through, heck, if I don't outright ace this thing (everyone seems to think it's a pushover, it isn't!), how will I ever fulfill my dreams of being responsible for the life of another later? I want to be stronger. What the hell, I'm 26 already!

I know it saves money (a busload) and it's more practical, but this is a real blow, somehow. I feel like I've been told I've failed before I've even got a chance to prove myself.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Super Boing Boing says:It has come to my attention that some people don't know who I am. That's okay, really. I won't sweat about it. Not that I can sweat, anyway. No siree. I plot. That's what I do, plot. Eeheehee, what naughty things I can do to you...

Mrbunnyban says:Not much, SBB. You're in Oz right now, with me.

Super Boing Boing:I could send them noti noti sms over your phone, send them exploding mail (exploding with what though? Maybe I could enlist Leggy's help, I hear he 'leaks' a lot...), order lotsa pizza and ask them to deliver to their address...

MrBunnyBan:...you are *so* sleeping on the floor tonight.

Super Boing Boing:Oh, bother.

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In other news, MrBunnyBan has been going to his uni's queerspace recently and hanging with the people there. Instead of staying at home. With me. Why he'd rather go into that godforsaken hole in the ground in beyond me. Rabbit instincts, maybe. (The room is really in some hole somewhere in the uni, I kid you not)

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Something tells me that that I haven't been feeding myself properly. That's the trouble when you don't recogise hunger easily - you've got to take note of your food intake Told myself not to be o stingy and go shopping

Ladeedaa, shopping for groceries... jasmine rice, price looks okay...hey, didn't my neighbour cook beef cutlets the other day? I bet I could do that dish just as well, must be affordable... Dum de dum...

$16 per KG?!?!?!? That's outrageous? I thought this was the cheapest place to get meat? So wastefull! I could buy myself three full meals for that! Oh gods, I know I told myself not to be stingy and all, but I'm not sure if I really know how to cook the stuff, and, and...

...

"Half a kg please." *sulk*

-------

Hmm, what music to listen to?

"Twisted Nerve from Kill Bill?" Not that kinda mood now...

"Where have all the Cowboys Gone?" *sniff sniff* No...

"Smurfs Theme (Rave) (Happy Hardcore Techno Remix)"?...

:3

%Lalalalalala, lalalalala....%

-------

Uninstalled Mechwarrior, try to play a less engrossing game when need a break.

At 5 am this morning, I realised that Alpha Centauri was a pretty bad choice. *uninstall*

3D Pinball for windows, anyone? *sigh*

-------

POTATOE!

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Useless trivia 1: Burger King is known as Hungry Jacks in Oz.Useless trivia 2: Hungry Jacks has a unique burger called the Aussie Burger, contains among other things beetroot, fried egg, bacon, and onions.Not so useless trivia: Aussie burgers are yummy... nyam nyam nyam...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I swear, since I've come here I've been doing an endless stream of paperwork and sorting out technical difficulties. Passwords (ALL OF THEM!) and administrative problems, internet and phone going out of whack for no apparent reason, random paperwork (census apparently) - heck, almost makes me forget I'm here to study.

Not. Now, remember me saying that I thought I only had a week to finish a certain amount of reading? Turns out I was half right after all. Two subjects is only evry two weeks, but one subject is per week. I checked to make sure only after I tooka few days off. Which now makes me... behind? Ahead? Somewhere about right? For the life of me, I have no idea. It's really confusing. Ermmmm, maybe I shouldn't have played mechwarrior so much. But it has all the giant mecha action I love so much and I've found new lovely weapon configs and...argh!

Since my bro may be reading this: Cstrike srms and Smrms are actually heck of a useful, imagine that. I actually made good use of the longtom too against many many little tanks that normally cripple me on veteran difficulty.

Monday, August 07, 2006

It would appear that I misinterpretted how long I have to finish my reading before the next one starts. I thought I had to finish everything by... yesterday, where as I have one more week to do all my reading before 2nd modules start for my subjects. >.> Guess what I've been doin all week, totally ignoring whatever special occassion it was supposed to be? I thought I had only 4 days to complete a weeks work, which was actually 2 weeks worth of reading. @.@

---------

I'm having a bit of trouble connecting to people around here. Maybe it's because I'm asian, but somehow, I'm not so sure. Trying to be friendly, but I really don't have much to say to my new housemates. Not that they seem to try to hold conversations with me, but they talk to each other quite a lot. Maybe it's cos I've been busy reading all this time, or resting on a game when not reading. But somehow, my instinct tells me this isn't the case. None of my coursemates talk to me either, but one or two of them clique.

I wonder what people's impression of me is? According to social psychology, one's social identity is defined by what other people around think about him/her. So what do people think about me when I'm quiet, as Harvey noted? Do I come of as snobbish? Arrogant? Uninterested in others? I'm not entirely sure that is unfounded either. Maybe pride comes with being a Leo, heh.

I'm trying to make friends for the sake of making friends - but do I really care for these people? I can't say I do - does it show? Could that be my problem?

Truth is I'm pretty used to being alone in my room, with people living in the house. But if the house was empty, heck, that'd be utterly depressing. Strange if you think about it, is it common though? And what does that say about me?

Unsocial and difficulty in connecting with people? Self centered but needs love and attention myself? I and my brother are my father's children, in a very real sense. But with my mum's upbringing, thankfully. Oh well, everyone adjusts. I'll just have to do the same.

On a related note, I wonder if I can really mantain a relationship. Hmm. Better take a certain blogger's advice and find someone matured who does know how to handle one. But then... there's not really a big base of candidates to choose from. Gah.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

It has occured to me that a whole slew of bloggers have their birthdays coming up this month. *None* of which I can remember to save my life, only I know that Xavier and Leggy are Leos...gah, who else?

Since I still can't get my password working, I can't access the reading lists and what nots until a few hours ago. Still can't access the online library o actually READ most of the required reading though. I'm supposed to study sufficiently every week to keep in track of the course, otherwise the work piles up like nobody's business. So basically I'm 4 days behind on my reading this week.

So I'm stuck studying what material I *can* get my desperate hands on at home while everyone else in the house has gone partying. Arrrrghhhhh...

Which I don't have yet, since it takes 5 working days after enrolment apparently, and I enrolled last Thursday. Hurrah. At least it seems I'm not the only one in my course with the same problem.

---------

Okay, you people want to hear more about the room mate that i suspected of being gay right? I'm pretty sure he isn't right now- he's been spending quite a bit of time in close proximity to the fairer sex. (that's women, btw)

There was something about him which was familiar though, but I couldn't place it for a long time. Until recently.

The other day, I figured it out when he spoke in Spanish on the phone. He reminded me of someone - from the posture, men's health magazines, thin, way he talked, the talking in Spanish, the whole metrosexual gay ambigousness combined with interest in women. He reminde me of *that* person back in Subang Jaya. Someone I hate.

There's not many people who've done anything to me personally to warrant my extreme dislike of them. I can only think of two right now, but this person from Subang is the greater. Don't really feel like going through the details, and perhaps if it weren't for this person I would have had to face being gay a lot later. But his intentions were always selfish and totally uncaring of the suffering of others. And boy was I suffering then.

But that was so long ago. I checked myself when I came to this realisation, while I was cooking and listening to him gabber away in Spanish. Did it still hurt? No, it didn't, fortunately.

So I kept on cooking mabo tofu with too much tofu and too much ground beef, making a note to stay friendly but not be so assuming of the goodness of people around me.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Things that I improvised for my aunt's Chicken Rice mark II recipe (basicaly marinate the chicken and cook it with the rice in the rice cooker):

1. Use by date for chicken was yesterday! Gotta cook it all...but it can't fit in mum's little microwave rice cooker. So I had to boil the chicken rice in a pot instead of the usual rice cooker. *gasp! Horror!*2. Powdered garlic and ginger from a shaker. My aunt/mentor would *not* approve.3. No chinese mushrooms? Use them western ones. Er, I think.4. How long does it take to cook rice in a pot? Uh...shit, it's still wet. Do I stir it? Crap crap crap...5. Oops, forgot to add salt while cooking. Erm... a little soy sauce later will take care of that.6. Not enough vege in this recipe... eh, some fresh lettuce with a little soy sauce and sesame oil from chicken rice recipe mark I will do. I think. With cherry tomatoes. Yay.

The end result? I've eaten the stuff for three meals already, but can't decide if it's brilliant or a culinary tragedy. Go figure.

----------

Last night I was up late, playing Baldur's gate two of all things. heh, gotta continue the adventures of the Warf Magician, after all, lest Woggles gets all grumpy. Hey, he can be quite vicious with the inflatable "Hello Kitty" hammer, k?

Feeling a little peckish (prolly thanks to the weather, brrr), I went downstairs. Nearly missed spotting a housemate sleeping on the couch in his dress shirt and jeans, back door wide open and heater off. It was freezing.

When I first got here, I was almost *sure* this guy was gay. The body posture, the gymming, the love for shopping, the interest in cooking, the men's health magazine... heck, he even noticed the "Man First" t-shirt that I wore *just* to get his attention. But he'd been flirting with the female company of his friends and talked about getting married himself...oh well.

Anyway, what to do with this sleeping fellow? First thing, close the back door to shut out the morning chill. Brrr. Turn on the heater, grab the extra blanket from my room and put it over the poor guy slowly so as not to wake him. Considered just waking the guy and sending him to a proper bed (his own! Shush!), but I thought I'd better just let him sleep. Up to bed I went myself, like all good bunnies should. :)

This morning, I woke up late, went down and collected my blanket in a heap on the opposite coach. I don't think he realised who had loaned it to him. Heh. :p

Monday, July 24, 2006

In a few hours, the sun was about to explode. Fortunately, I was one of few people chosen to be saved, alotted a shelter along with an old friend of mine, SF. As SF and I made final preparations, we waved away our friends good bye. A final good bye.

We packed, checked, and made sure we had everthing we needed in the shelter. But my mind was racing.

"I'm sorry," was all I could say. And I left hurriedly through the door, leaving SF alone. There wasn't time to explain, time to argue.

I looked around. Someone hadn't left the station yet. It was a friend, not a very close one, but a good one. She would do. As I approached, she looked up at me surprised.

"I can't do this," I told her, "I'd like you to take my place." I was lying.

"What?" It took her awhile to take it in. But she didn't take up my offer, at least not right away. She looked this way and that, shaking her head and trying to make a decision. She so wanted to take my place. To be saved, to live. I was almost in tears with anxiety.

(Please, say no)

Finally, she looked at me and said sighing, "No, I don't want this." (Not like this)

I smiled and kissed her on the forehead. "Thank you. I love you."

And with that, I hurried back into the shelter, the doors closing behind me.

--------

I woke up from the dream in the wee hours of the morning on a bed in the spare hotel room. A little jet lagged and a little annoyed.

What was I doing there anyway? Since so many days have passed, I'll have to summarise.

first day: Arrive. Go to temp accomodation. Stay awake til 11pm to stave away jet lag. Sleep.second day: Take 'shortcut' recommended by receptionist to permament accomodation ("Just follow the line of students moving about", only there were no students this early). Shoulders still hurt from that. Meet housemates, go for Orientation. Groceries and microwave dinner.Thrid day: Bus to Sydney city for baby party! Four hour lunch affair surrounded by many strangers and a few relatives (phew!). Hitch a ride with relative I don't recognise. Get SIM card. Spam SMSes like crazy (wee!). More groceries and microwave dinner.Fourth day: Bus to Sydney city again. Spend whole day with relatives, oogling and playing with incredibly fat baby. Sleep over at grandparent's hotel room, phone running out of battery power (boo!).Fifth day: Curse own over-imaginative mind for soap opera dreams. Try train back this time (BIG mistake! never again). Got totally rained on (brrrr). Stumble about uni for internet. That's where I am now. :)

Monday, July 17, 2006

Hmm. Looks like I have internet after all. At least in KL. I'm staying with my mum now, just relaxing. Didn't really plan a proper blog post though. :p

Mrrr... feeling laaaaazy. :)

Brother's moved to new apartment with step-brother and his friend. They seem to be doing fine so far. My brother's friend is haaaairy. And straight.

(warning, DOTA post!)I, my brotehr and his friend played DOTA at a cafe. At my brother's insistence, we played a DU game and all of us took Night Stalker. Eternal night...we owned. Or rather, I owned. I acted as the gem carrier since there were two Stealth Assasain. I kept it all the way...dying only twice after that. First time they got it back for me right away, second time I had Aegis.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Who are you?You’re different from the way I remember you.Full of purposeConvictionFaithHopeYou knew what you wanted, everything was going for youEverything was right

That all diedYou believed in an illusion and it betrayed youIt drove you to your knees, filled your thoughts with dreadForced to loathe yourself and what you wereAnd what you couldn’t stop yourself doingThe world was spinning out of controlYou were trapped and in pain

You’ve pulled yourself out of that pitYou survived somehow, but are you stronger for it?You’ve left so much of yourself behindSo much that was an intricate part of youTorn out, discarded, mournedThe wounds have healed, but the gaps remainHoles where there once was things that were you

I don’t recognize you anymore.

Suddenly vulnerableLoneliness has set inYou’ve fallen into Wonderland, a world you don’t understandOne you were never prepared forThe rules have changed, how much must you change with them?How much of yourself can you hope to maintain?

That isn’t all.

Now you must become yet someone elseSomeone strongerOne who can control his desiresAnd take up the yoke of responsibility for the lives of othersGrow up? You must become more than thatFor you hope to step over places where so many have failedYou are not strong enough as you areNot matured enough, nor wiseWill you ever be?

Change is difficult, but there isn’t much timeChangeChange, or you will fail as you areChange, or give up your dreams Change, or give in to doom and hopelessnessChange, until you no longer know who you are

Who am I now?I don’t know anymore.I’ll have to find it again, somedaySomewhere along the wayMaybe after the change