US Army bans toe shoes as fashion faux pas.

The blog Birthday Shoes acquired an All Army Activities release that, in earnest, outlaws soldiers from training in Vibrams Five Fingers. (Parks and Recreations’ Chris Trager is shedding a tear).

1. Situation. The popularity of Vibram Five Fingers (VFF) and other minimalist footwear for use as running footwear has reportedly skyrocketed in the past 12-18 months in both civilian and military populations due in large part to word-of-mouth promotion by advocates of barefoot/minimalist running, and effective marketing by Vibram and other footwear companies.

Who knews military officials were so up on the trends? Then again, these disgusting foot-gloves are plague sweeping the world; no one is immune from contact.

The release goes on:

There are a variety of minimalist running shoes available for purchase and wear. Effective immediately, only those shoes that accommodate all five toes in one compartment are authorized for wear. Those shoes that feature five separate, individual compartments for the toes, detract from a professional military image and are prohibited for wear with the IPFU or when conducting physical training in military formation.

It’s hard to fathom how anyone could disagree to tacky monkey slippers detracting from the military’s ethos, but diehard defenders of function over form will no doubt stir up controversy.

It’s always been my belief that fascism serves a function when it comes to fashion. Looks like military commanders have more in common with Anna Wintour than we thought.