Category Archives: Birth Through Age One

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So many mothers I have met have suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of at least one of their children. Some mothers I have met have also suffered from depression during a pregnancy, which is much less talked about than postpartum depression. This is a huge topic, and one that a blog post really can’t even do justice to, but my goal is to provide some places on the Web and links to groups that make the support of mothers who are battling depression their main focus.

According to “Breastfeeding Answers Made Simple: A Guide For Helping Mothers” by Nancy Mohrbacher, “More than half of new mothers have occasional bouts of crying, irritability, and fatigue sometimes referred to as “the baby blues.” Postpartum depression refers to more consistent and severe symptoms and is also relatively common, with some estimating the incidence within the first year of new motherhood to be 12% to 25% overall and 35% or more among high-risk mothers.”

On a purely physical level, some research states the release of proinflammatory cytokines by the immune system have been found to be a cause for postpartum depression, but there also appear to be risk factors that can predispose mothers toward this inflammation. Continue reading →

I spoke last night at The Waldorf Connection regarding development from a Waldorf perspective within the first seven years. I will be posting some notes on this blog from my talk because I believe it is helpful to hear things more than once and to see it in writing and to hear it. The next step would be to take a piece of paper and a pen in order to write down your own thoughts and how you would work with some of these concepts in your own family.

Childhood in Waldorf Education is considered those years of birth through age 21. The human being is seen as a spiritual being who has come down from spiritual realms and one who takes time to get used to living here on earth; a being who is changing and evolving throughout the lifespan of being human in approximately cycles of seven years. One can search this blog for a chapter by chapter look at the book “Tapestries” by Betty Staley as to characteristics of each seven year cycle from birth through adulthood.

As Waldorf parents and home educators, we are working with every aspect of the child – body, soul, spirit – as we consider the human being to be a whole three and four-fold human being. We work with things from the most physical to the most mysterious and strive to be continually conscious of being an upright moral example that the child can imitate. We work to provide an environment conducive to development, a protected environment for optimal development of the 12 senses and the child, but yet one where the child can develop unhindered.

In the second lecture compiled in “Curative Education”, Steiner talks about The Pedagogical Law in which it is who we are that teaches and educates, that children can perceive the gesture behind our words and how what we do matters more than what we give lip service to (my paraphrasing there, of course. He says it much more eloquently. ). Steiner lectured about the great responsibility we have as educators of small children (and this of course includes parents, as you are the first teacher of your child!) In “Soul Economy”, one of my favorite compilations of Steiner’s lectures, Steiner said in the lecture regarding children before the seventh year: ”Anyone in charge of young children – especially those who work in children’s homes- who is aware of the activity of destiny must ask, Have I been specifically chosen for the important task of guiding and educating these children? And other questions must follow: What must I do to eliminate as far as possible my personal self, so I can leave those in my care unburdened by my subjective nature? How do I act so I do not educate a child toward human freedom? “

These questions begin at birth…… The child comes to us with a head full of wisdom and growth forces that direct the physical body and help mold the physical body. The child imitates everything, and is a large sense organ. Steiner talks in “Kingdom of Childhood” about the affects of anger upon a child and other emotions because the impressions coming from the outer world directly affect the physical constitution of the body – the formation of the inner organs, for example. This is part of Steiner’s work that really unnerves parents because they feel as if they have done everything wrong and carry such guilt. Guilt does not move one forward in parenting, so I advise parents to try to let that go and start from now.

So, back to development..During the first three years, the spirit, soul and body are seen as being in unity and walking, speaking and thinking are unfolding. First, the child attains an upright position. And then from that, speech arises in the second year. In helping a child to speak we must be inwardly true, this is the time of TRUTHFULNESS , for those of you who have heard of Steiner’s truth-beauty-goodness. Truthfulness is the foundation of communication, even for infants. In true speech we use adult speech, not baby talk! Thinking then arises out of speech in the third year. Clarity from our own thinking helps our children’s thinking to be developed.

What we can do to support our children birth to three:

Heal our own past; recover from anything in our own childhood that is amiss. What are we modeling to our children and what are we passing on for our future grandchildren? What are our own patterns of behavior, our own reaction to stress. Create truth in your life by aligning your values throughout every sector of your life.

Create a healthy attachment to your baby and toddler

Strive to work on ourselves in order that we are worthy of this child to imitate our gestures, our movements, our work. In “Soul Economy”, one thing that Steiner said was, “…the children become perfect mimics and imitators. This imposes a moral duty on adults to be worthy of such imitation, which is far less comfortable than exerting one’s will on a child.”

Other ways to support children during the first three years:

We do not place the child into positions he or she cannot attain on his or her own, because the child is orienting themselves in the world through their upright orientation and their striving for that. Joan Slater talk about this in the book “The Incarnating Child”, this concept of keeping infants horizontal until they can move into a position by themselves. This is important, because from this challenge and this struggle to attain an upright position and from that upright position comes speech and then thinking.

Protect the senses of the child and establish a rhythm to help support the etheric body of the caregiver and the child. Our growth forces are tied to that of our small children and it is important that we build ourselves up through rhythm, through warming foods, through warm clothes, through kind words and speech, through artistic endeavors.

Become a confident parent who can set boundaries with those who seek to undermine your parenting, including yourself if you are prone to negativity and doubt in your parenting. I think this is key, as many parents today seem to meet parenting with increased anxiety and fear and stress. In our generation, we really have to find some way to meet that fear with joy and with love and with humor. We have to find a way to really put out warm thoughts for our children because our children develop from taking in the world and we are the ones creating their world.

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(This is the tabloid edition of The Parenting Passageway today, you know, kind of like, Men Who Do Terrible Things And The Women Who Love Them or something like that…)

Let’s see…the fun behavior of the toddler…I am sure you all can help me out here with the behaviors and challenges! Some of these behaviors keep coming up over and over here when I asked for feedback regarding discipline challenges and also in My Real Life from mothers in my local area, so I thought I would address them here with a few suggestions and you can take what resonates with you. Pick and choose, add your own creative ideas! There is No One Answer, the Right Answer is the One That Works For Your Family! Seriously! As long as it is gentle and keeps to the boundary, then there you go! Check out the toddler discipline posts under the Baby/Toddler header, several of those posts literally have every discipline situation that could come up with a toddler.

Here is a re-cap of some of the ones mothers have been asking about recently (but please do go look at the back posts!):

Face-slapping:

Set child down if you are holding them.

Turn it into a “high-five”

Tell the child that hurts and show them how you would like to be touched instead.

Watch out for signs child is getting frustrated in order to prevent and use your tools of movement and channeling into work and help to move on

Know this phase is limited usually once the toddler has more speech

Know this may take 500 times!

What would work best for your family? Your ideas here:

Running away at the park or other public places:

Limit outings for right now. Sorry about that!

Bring a second adult who can help you corral your children

Many parents have a natural consequence in place, such as if you run away, we immediately leave the park. However, a child younger than four and a half or five may really not understand that very well.

Do errands at night or another time without the toddler.

Practice holding hands and looking for cars at all times. Have a verse or rhyme that goes with the holding hands/looking.

If this child is a toddler, try not to draw such individualized attention to it. Sometimes the more you draw attention to it, the more it just is said.

What would work best for your family?? Your ideas here:

Sitting Still:

Figure about three to five minutes for every year of the child’s age, and really look at your child. Are they a “mature” acting three or four year old, or rather immature? That will give you a clue as to what might be a realistic expectation.

Bring something with you to do for the small child. Make up a special little “Sunday bag” for church, let them bring a stuffed animal or doll with them.

Practice times of sitting quietly at home for a story, thirty seconds before you light the candle for dinner, thirty second in silence after you say the blessing over the meal..

What would work best for your family? Your ideas here:

Hitting, Kicking:

Ah, no one’s favorite.

You cannot let the child hurt you (or anyone else!). If it is toward you, step away or hold the child if you can do it and be calm! If the child is hitting someone else, they must come and be with you in a time-in.

Connect with this child during other times in a warm way. Are they feeling poorly physically or emotionally? This does not excuse the behavior, but provides a clue as to what they need!

If this is occurring during play dates and such, please think strongly about whether or not your small child needs this social experience at this point. You can see my take on social experiences for the four year old in back posts, so you can guess what I think about toddlers from that….

Go back to your basics – rhythm, outside time, warm and nourishing meals.

If it is biting at the breast, pull the baby close to you – this will block their nose and make them loosen the biting. However, GIVE them something they CAN bite on. A wet washcloth that you threw in the freezer works fine. Biting is a normal behavior, it is just the object that the child is biting that makes it good or not good, so you don’t want to tell them never to bite! If they are biting at the breast and it is usually toward the end of a feeding, try to catch them before the end and gently remove them from the breast.

Remain as calm as possible. It is no fun when your toddler or preschooler bites another child over a toy, and it is not fun when your child is the one who was bit, but these things do happen and one must be calm.

If your child is in a biting phase, think carefully about your child’s level of frustration with social outings. 🙂 If you frequently read this blog, you know where I stand on that! The whole “playdate” thing really should not apply to children under the age of four and a half, but that is just my opinion. 🙂 Take what works for you and your family.

Hope these ideas help your family think of what would work best for you in these situations.

A small child under the age of seven needs to hear you paint a picture with your words instead of a direct command. This can really be a very difficult thing for us to do as adults, and as such we find ourselves barking commands (politely, of course :)) at our small children all day long. “Come to breakfast!” “Use the potty!” “Get your shoes on!” “Now please!” “Stop doing that!” Even if we frame things positively and say what we do want, the point is that a million times a day we are asking our child to do something. And when we only use a command, we are essentially giving the small child a chance to think, a chance to decide their behavior, and then we get angry when they don’t do what we want when we want it. How funny how that goes.

Small children are often in a fantasy, imaginative world much of the day as they play and create games. They are not adults, they do not view time as adults do, they do not have the sense of urgency that you do. And nor should they.

A small child lives in the physical realm and in their bodies. So, to most effectively parent, we must reach to that for the small child as often as possible instead of playing commander, or worse yet, trying to drive the car with our horn by yelling at the small child.

Here are some examples:

Think of animals that involve what you need. Can the child hop like a bunny, run as fast as a roadrunner bird, swim like a fish? Can they open their big crocodile mouths to have all those teeth brushed? Can you be a bear that needs a big winter coat ? (And as you say this, you help put the child’s arm into the coat)….It is the imaginative movement plus the physical piece that gets it all done.

Can you involve their dolls or their imaginary friends? Quietly take their favorite doll and start to get it ready for bed and sing to the doll. “ You and Tim (the imaginary friend) can sit right for dinner “( and lead the child by the hand to the table).

Can you employ gnomes, fairies, giants, leprechuans? Today a four- year- old and I looked for leprechuan shoes by my back door…. Oh, look at these leprechuan shoes sitting here, do these fit YOU? Oh my, look at the turned up toes on your shoes, I wonder if those shoes will lead you to a pot of gold! How about gnomes exploring the mouth cave for teeth brushing? Big giant steps to settle into a big giant bed?

You do not have to do this to the point where it is tiring to you, but do try here and there, because I find most parents employ very little imagination with their children during the day and the children really do respond to it well and do just what needs to happen.

Your part though, is to plan enough time so things are NOT rushed. Rushing is the death of imagination and the beginning of stress. Please plan ahead!

Also, rhythm is your friend. It is in that space to help you and your child. If you do something different every night to get ready for a meal, to get ready for bed, what cues does your child have for when things are going to happen? Again, their sense of time and urgency is not that of an adult. Also, please seriously evaluate how many places you are dragging a small child. Are these places for them or errands and would your child just rather be home? I am just asking you to consider this piece of the puzzle; only you know the answer for you and your family.

The last piece is the physical end of it, DOING something with a child whilst using the imagination and movement goes much better! Yes, it is tiring that that is what small children need. But better to do that than to complain and moan and groan that your small child, who is perfectly normal, is “not listening”. 🙂

“Around the globe, a variety of foods are used as baby’s first solid food. In Oceania babies are given pre-chewed fish, grubs, and liver. The Polynesians prefer a pudding-like mixture of breadfruit and coconut cream. Inuit babies are started on seaweed and seal blubber, while Japanese healthcare providers recommend a thin rice porridge, eventually made thicker and topped with dried fish, tuna, tofu, and mashed pumpkin.”

These are some recommendations for what solid foods to bring in when according to Ruth Yaron’s “Super Baby Food” book and “Rainbow Green Live-Food Cuisine” by Gabriel Cousens. I suggest you look at these books for yourself and see what resonates. The listings here are NOT to be taken as medical advice, just ideas from what others have said.If you have ANY history of food allergies, food sensitivities, it is always good to talk to your pediatrician before introducing those foods. Go slow and introduce things one at a time before you combine food.

Also, this is a pretty vegetarian list, so you will have to decide how you feel about meat and where that goes. This list also includes homemade grains, which many families delay. Families may start with pureed food and around eleven months when children are more adept at picking up foods move to that. Some families wait on solids a bit and the infant self feeds from the beginning. La Leche League typically recommends making eating solids your infant’s own project. As far as amounts, Cynthia Lair notes in her book, “Babies who have been eating solids for several months can be served about one-third to one-half cup of food at a sitting.” Ruth Yaron’s book has many suggestions as well. Please do take what resonates with you about this and do what works best for you and your family.

Judy Arnall starts this chapter with this observation that I see all the time, “Parents believe if they don’t nip many behaviors in the bud at this stage, the behaviors will grow and become monstrous later on and their children will be destined to become criminals because they were too lenient when they were toddlers. NOT TRUE!”

The toddler stage does not involve reasoning. There is no reasoning yet. Toddlers are just realizing they can’t always get what they want, and this leads to temper tantrums. Your toddler is “doing” and the best you can do as a parent is to childproof, supervise, redirect, distract, provide substitutions, pick up your toddler and move them around with your gentle hands away from danger or situations that they shouldn’t be into.

Toddlers can sometimes follow two word commands. On this blog, I write from a traditional perspective and also a Waldorf perspective. The Waldorf perspective on this would be to engage the child’s body and not expect a tiny child to follow a verbal command only. You cannot parent a toddler from the couch. 🙂 GET UP!

A toddler is going to express negativity. “ No” has power, “no” has meaning. Toddlers often use their body to express their negativity – hitting, biting, pushing – because their words are not totally there yet. Even the ones that are “verbally” advanced lose their words when they become upset! They want to be independent (the “me do it” stage), but still need help. They don’t play with other children yet, they have fears of things such as thunder or animals or vacuum cleaners. Their thinking really is “this is here, this is now” without much memory involved. They do, however, IMITATE what YOU do!

Saying no frequently is not helpful in guiding your child – tell them what you would like to see, and better yet, SHOW THEM. Childproof your environment so you don’t have to say NO fifty times a day. Also, Judy Arnall points out that “parents have no control over eating, sleeping, toileting, and learning. The parent can facilitate those processes, but not force them.” This is something important for a parent to come to grips with.

She lists a page of discipline tools for toddlers including staying with your no, changing the environment, planning ahead, having routines, holding and carrying and restraining the child as needed, giving encouragement, ignoring some things if you can, time-in (see my take on “Time In for Tinies” here: https://theparentingpassageway.com/2010/01/12/more-about-time-in-for-tinies/ ), saying no another way, letting the child have their feelings (my note is that you can’t “fix” how another person feels! Let them have their feelings!), supervision, parent time-outs, modeling, redirection, holding, hugs and many more tips.

The author recommends anticipating problems ahead of time and planning ahead. She also says “avoid play places if you know they get frustrated and hit other children.” Provide toys whilst changing a diaper or change the diaper standing up or in front of a mirror. She talks extensively about the fact that toddlers love routines, and also gives examples of some “routines” that small children can do – for example, hanging towels after taking a bath, putting clothes in the basket, everyone carrying their things in from the car. Essentially, you are laying down the house rules and chores that will become embedded in the existence of a three and four year old. A three and four year old really knows and understands how things work in your house!

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The Parenting Passageway

Welcome to The Parenting Passageway

A passageway, as one would guess, is a conduit to the next thing: a way to allow movement from one place, condition or stage to the next. This blog is entitled “The Parenting Passageway” as it is intended to help support and encourage parents in peaceful parenting for our hectic world. Thank you for reading and many blessings to you

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