Saturday, February 14, 2015

The United Nations is moving to Hell?

United Nations Headquarters to be moved to Israel

In what many will view as a surprising move, the UN has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told the Israeli Daily, “Yup, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2015 minus 1952?”

After nearly 63 years in the heart of New York City, the UN’s General Assembly voted on Israel as its next location. Many Israelis are thrilled at the UN’s decision. “With 17,500 resolutions against Israel, I thought they hated us,” said Tel Aviv’s Mayor. “It’s like, the whole world loves us now!” Not all Israelis agree, though. According to Israel’s hardline and pudgy Foreign Minister, “Allowing the headquarters of the UN to come here means we have to give up more territory. Watch, they’ll want a beachfront location just like the U.S. Embassy. I vote for war.” In regards to UN soldiers being stationed in Israel, the IDF’s Chief of Staff was quite direct. “Personally, I have no problem with the soldiers being here, but expect a request to change those girly powder-blue helmets to something more manly. You’re in the Middle East now!”
With the UN in Israel, resolutions against Israel will continue to be passed in Israel against Israelis, and there is no indication that the amount of UN resolutions against Israel will decline. According to one UN official who spoke off record, “we’ve got a bet on when they’ll reach 20,000. With 2,500 more to go, my money’s on next month.”

The current Israeli administration pleaded with the U.S. to help keep the UN off Israeli territory. The Israelis even put forward many other possibilities, such as the moon. The Americans however made a solid case for the UN decision and convinced the Israelis of the benefits of such a move. No one has any idea what those benefits are.

In related and more pressing news, a global petition has been started for UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador Alyssa Milano and UNHCR Special Envoy Angelina Jolie to go topless in any new upcoming movie, preferably together, in a shower scene.