How can I ensure my husband and his lazy kids honor my will?

My husband and I aren’t extraordinarily well off, but he has a life insurance policy and a 401(k) (of which I am the beneficiary). I have savings and inheritance, and a stake in businesses my father and mother own and we are both on track to do better financially in the future. We’ve started planning our wills and discussing what we’d like done with our money in the likely event that one will outlive the other.

He has two daughters from a previous marriage, one aged 16 and one 19. Neither has any ambition in life and the oldest seems to think that, even though she moved out because she didn’t want to follow our rules that it is our job to finance her lying about her mother’s house, is doing absolutely nothing. Their mother is the same way. We’ve tried to be a positive influence, but to little avail.

I am worried that if I die first, my husband will not honor my wishes. He worries that children will hate him, if he doesn’t do was they wish. Unless we are spending money on them they want little do with us.
Feeling Anxious

Of course, we hope they get themselves together as they get older, but if their mother is any indication, I don’t hold out much hope. It sounds awful but we have agreed that, if this behavior continues, we would only be comfortable making direct payments for education if they were actually passing their classes, and that they would have to make requests for money for things needed by future grandkids. We have kept this to ourselves.

I know this seems a little harsh, but we also have a 10-year-old daughter who is autistic and will likely need some form of assistance all her life. We simply cannot afford to send money every time they make bad financial choices later in life.

I am worried that if I die first, my husband will not honor my wishes. He knows what is best but often caves, because he’s worried his children will hate him, especially where money is concerned. Unless we are spending money on them they want little do with us.

Is there any legal way to make him stick to our agreement once I’m gone?

Feeling Anxious

Dear Feeling Anxious,

I recently received a letter from a woman who had a dilemma similar to yours, except her mother had deliberately gone against her stepfather’s wishes. The Moneyologist advised her to honor her father’s will. You, on the other hand, wish to prevent this from happening.

Sometimes, the clue is in the question. In this case, the clue is in the nom de plume. Your anxiety about and dislike of these teenage layabouts is impacting your happiness, and you are imagining all sorts of scenarios where you and your husband are taken advantage of. They are 16 and 19 years old and, for better or for worse, are still dependent on their parents.

It’s hard for teenagers to find jobs these days for a variety of reasons (a weak economic climate is likely as much to blame as entitlement). You may not like them, and they may be lazier than the average teen, but they are still kids and, probably, they will become productive members of society. You don’t have to like them or their mother — just don’t let your fears grow out of all proportion. It’s actually pretty normal for teens (even at 19) to still be dependent on their parents (and not always appreciate them).

It’s actually pretty normal for teenagers to still be dependent on their parents for money and not always appreciate that.
The Moneyologist

That said, you’re smart to take preventative measures to protect your daughter’s inheritance, especially as she is autistic and may require more care later on. In most jurisdictions, a couple can enter into a contract not to change their respective wills, says Geoffrey Kunkler, an estate attorney with Carlile, Patchen & Murphy in Columbus, Ohio. “This would keep things simple as everything would be left to the surviving spouse,” he says. It might also help your husband to say “Sorry, kids, I can’t change the will.” So they can’t pressure him to giving them money. The will could say a child’s shares could only be used for education, down payment on a home or a grandchild’s education, for instance. However, this doesn’t prevent your husband from buckling and giving his kids cash. The will only controls probate assets, so the family home or a 401(k) and other accounts with beneficiaries would go directly to the heirs with no strings attached, he says.

Alternatively, you could create a living trust, each funded with your own separate assets and joint assets split evenly to the two trusts. “At the death of the first spouse his or her trust would become irrevocable,” Kunkler says. “It could be drafted such that the funds could be used to support the surviving spouse or to be held exclusively for the children, step-children and grandchildren.” What’s more, you could create a special needs trust for your daughter while also ensuring she remains eligible for needs-based government benefits, and your husband could make rules to manage the inheritance of his children so they are motivated to become productive members of society. The trusts would also be outside of the jurisdiction of the local probate court which would keep things private and cut down on administrative expenses.

With all that taken care of, you can focus on building a relationship with your husband’s children. You say that, unless you give them money they want nothing to do with you. This may not be because they were poisoned against you. It may be because they are typical teenagers.

Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyologist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).

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