Younger … and more American? You betcha! The beauty contest was launched in 1952 to promote a California swimsuit company, and now belongs to bouffant billionaire Donald Trump. Up to 85 countries take part every year.

It's just like the Olympics! Because?

Because such friendly rivalry breaks down barriers and gets the whole world speaking a common language. Hm.

You're supposed to say: "Yes, and that language is beauty." Instead of which I'm going to point out that Miss Universe is in fact an egregious manifestation of phallocratic hegemony, a skimpily clad insult to the memory of Emmeline Pankhurst, Susan B Anthony and Emily Stowe.

Says who? Every single woman I know. I've just asked them.

In that case … Why give it the oxygen of you-know-what? Because it has just become marginally less outrageous. Miss Universe now welcomes transgender contestants.

Are transgender people queueing up to take part? At least one is. Model Jenna Talackova (above), who had gender reassignment surgery four years ago, has been told she can enter the Canadian round of the current contest. Next year the competition will accept trans people worldwide.

What's in it for the winner? A film school scholarship, an undisclosed salary, clothes, shoes, makeup and a year travelling the globe talking about how lovely peace is. She also gets to enjoy the Trump Tower.

Is that a euphemism? It's supposed to be a reference to a flat in Manhattan.

I'm struggling to see how any of this promotes equal rights. That's because you're not the president of the Miss Universe Organisation. If you were, you would be pointing out its "long history of supporting equality for all women".

So long as they're tall, slim, under 27, not visibly disabled, unmarried and childless? Only three of those rules are on the organisation's website. The current Miss Universe, Angola's Leila Lopes, insists her best feature is "inner beauty".