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Reversal of disturbing fetishes

Hello everyone,

I am going to do something I have never done before, I’ve always been terrified to even talk about it but I am going to tell my entire story honestly. I hope it inspires others to leave internet pornography.

My family has had the internet since I was very young. I was basically the only one who knew how to use the internet because my parents were not very tech literate so I was using the internet with no supervision. I started watching and masturbating to internet pornography at a young age. I had discovered masturbation before I was even old enough to ejaculate, not to porn just stimulation. When I developed a taste for girls I already knew how to locate internet porn so I stood no chance. During my teenage years I would lock myself in a room for hours watching internet porn. In addition to this I was extremely socially awkward and did not have friends so the internet and video games were my only pass time. Being on the internet for such long hours I came across every kind of weird and screwed up fetish imaginable, stuff about violence, rape, bestiality, incest, etc…

Over time I started to have an urge to get off to extreme fetishes like the ones mentioned above. It’s not that I was ever interested in trying any of that for myself. I’d rather commit suicide. But because I was looking at such extreme stuff and becoming desensitized to it, it brought me extreme feelings of shame and self-hatred. Regarding bestiality, incest, rape, etc… I find the concept of people actually doing something like that revolting, vile, and disturbing. The fetish for me was that I was looking at off limits extreme things that were not supposed to be seen or discussed. Maybe an act of rebellion against society… I really don’t know. Maybe just pure self-harm. I still don’t completely understand. At times I wouldn’t masturbate or anything, but just look at these sexual and violent images just to make myself sick. It was an act of self-harm/self-hatred.

I continually questioned why I would watch such extreme porn fetishes that I personally found to be offensive and sick. I didn’t like it and it made me feel sick to my stomach so why did I continually hurt myself by viewing such filth? It’s not like my shame came from religion or anything, I was doing all this as an atheist. It was scary, terrifying. When I’d masturbate without porn my fantasies were run of the mill stuff. But when I got online it was extreme fetishes. I was horrified by the fact that I was viewing this stuff.

I decided to take action and do my own sort of reboot, I didn’t call it that since I hadn’t found about this movement yet. That was around 2009 or 2010, I can’t remember exactly. I decided to quit watching porn completely but allowed myself masturbation and real life sex. I was able to say away for some time. After about a year off from porn I had a partial relapse but this time around it was not as bad. I could just get off on softcore porn and the desire to look at extreme fetishes was 90% gone.

Right now I just watch regular porn, pictures of naked girls and non fetish sex. I’ve kicked the extreme porn. But now I have decided to do a full reboot and leave internet porn for good. I was going to do no more porn but allow no fantasy masturbation, but now I’ve become convinced that a full reboot is the answer. I know now after reading yourbrainonporn.com what my problem was and that I was addicted. It’s like your brain goes on autopilot looking for it’s fix. You find yourself out of control consuming porn and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I have never ever shared this with anyone and have bottled this up for years. It feels good to finally share it. I hope that my story inspires others to quit internet porn for good. It leads to nothing but pain. I’ll come back with an update of my reboot later on. I really support this anti-porn movement.