Friday, October 28, 2016

We took a few days away from social media, did not have a show this week and decided to take some time to reflect on our life and changes, after all, it has been one heck of a ride since the day Paul entered my life on that cold winter day, in El Paso Texas, in the ICU ward, January 1, 2015. We have been through so much ever since, trying to make sense of our life, changes, and where we fit in the scheme of things, and yes bringing God into our lives. Paul and I are very intense people, passionate, all or nothing kind of people, motivated by impulse and tend to be a bit dramatic in our actions. We are definitely made for each other in every sense of the word.

During this reflection period, we came to the conclusion that the type of woman that I am is definitely not your typical feminine or docile female, I am alpha, masculine, opinionated, rough around the edges, yet kind, loving, nurturing, caring and with one big heart that belongs to my Paul, and God of course. I have never been one to fit into society, nor have I ever been a follower, I am a leader, strong, bullheaded and passionate, very passionate. I have come to accept who I am, I have no need to keep running or pretend to be something I am not. I Maritza Lopez, am quite the individual with some battle scars to show the wars I have engaged in. I am bald, have facial and body hair, a deep voice, strong mannerisms and an overall strong presence. I love to lift weights, eat healthy, write songs, cook, create and love. I am a teacher, a student, a wife, yes I take on the role of husband from time to time, I have had to adapt to my man, and my man is oh so special. He is sensitive, kind, loving, a little boy who still needs to be held, told he is beautiful as well as handsome, since when is it wrong for men to be beautiful or a woman to be handsome? Why must we create these stereotypes that lead people to engage in activities that will hurt them, confuse them and create further problems? We are all made to specs by God, who are we to question his creation. I believe there is someone for everyone out there. God made Paul for me, and I for Paul. We fit, we work and who dares say that who we are is wrong? We are a redeemed couple who at one point thought God made us wrong that we had to alter our bodies to be something we were not, we now know who we are, and let me tell you, what a relief it is, I for the first time in my life, feel free and life makes sense.

Paul and I are so excited about our life and so very grateful to God for helping us sort things out. In all of this reflection period, I did some research regarding women who are born with endocrinological problems and found so many interesting things. There are women who live with beards since puberty, after failure to remove the relentless hairs from face and body they learn to embrace who they are.

Our ministery is to help people accept who they are without altering their bodies or defaming the gender God gave them. We are here to help spread unconditional love and acceptance under God's laws, be like Jesus, showing compassion, love and understanding. Let us all be like Christ, who came here to rid heresy, not to condem those who deal with their own cross, let us help people come to Christ, not push them further away.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

There are people that believe we are a random act of molecules and atoms colliding together, stemming from one giant explosion which leads us to evolve from fish to the advanced ape species we think we are. Yet, when really thinking about it, there is nothing random and coincidental about us. The way things in this world, including ourselves, operate on laws of uniformity and order, there is no other option but the known fact that we have a creator, a father that loves us beyond measure. We know for a fact that the sun will rise and it will set, we know the laws of gravity keep us from floating into the atmosphere, and we also know the routine nature of everything on this planet that is set by the masterful creator we call God. Our existence is based on a programming of a higher design, not some erratic event that occurred out of chance.

The same equivalent purpose God placed on everything on this planet, applies to us. We are part of his plan, we belong to him and live for his enjoyment, not ours. We have laws to follow which we have totally pissed on and ridiculed. We have attempted to create God in our image, and alter his commandments and set way of life. We think we know better than our own parent, no different than an unruly teen, who thinks they know it all and will defy their parents. God is king, he gave us his son to help accomplish freedom from the sin that controls our every existence.

Monday, October 17, 2016

There are times that we are thirsty and hungry, yet never seem to get either quenched. Have we wondered why we go from relationships to relationships, from dead-end jobs to a spree of materialistic hoarding, yet never seem to find what we are searching for? Well, here is my belief, if you find yourself in the same spot you were year after year, going from the latest gadget to the latest romance, exercise regimen, new fad diet, new religion and new "gender expression", then I suggest you check out the only true quencher, God. Yes, I know you've heard it all before from the "Jesus fanatics", the ones that have this amazingly happy expression and peace on their face, the true followers and believers of Christ, the ones with the Holy Spirit in them, you know the ones. But have you really investigated the matter, or are you so numb to the facts that the only way to find happiness is through him. Really, I am not kidding here, I have been everywhere, tried everything, except to give my heart to Christ, which I did a month ago, and let me tell you, my life has changed for the better sine then.

Monday, October 03, 2016

I remember thinking, when I underwent certain procedures to affirm, at the time what I thought was my "true" identity, (I had a bilateral mastectomy and full hysterectomy at the Cleveland Clinic in South Florida) how happy I was, as they removed the bandages from my chest, and I saw for the very first time, the scars where my breasts use to be and the recreated "man" crusted nipples and hoping they would not fall off after the resizing and recreation of them. My brain was trying to understand what just happened, and I was unconsciously preventing from going into shock, the already set in program of you will be happy after this is done, was battling the reality of the situation. I smiled and thought, "yeah, I am now a man" so I thought. Rethinking this and in a sane/healthy state of mind I am now in, I ask, who makes us believe that a removal of the healthy breasts and reproductive organs make us men? When in reality there are millions of women who undergo these procedures, not because they want to, but because they have to due to cancer or other illnesses, shameful, I know. Looking back now, and knowing what I know today, these types of procedures should be outlawed and doctors jailed who perform them. Unless you have breast cancer and this is going to save your life, bilateral mastectomy for an individual who alleges to have gender dysphoria should not be allowed to undergo such procedures. These are healthy parts, nothing wrong with them, it is our mental state in question, it is the individual who has the problem of low self-esteem, wanting to be something they are not and thinking that this will solve their problems, this is beyond ludicrous and insane. No surgical alterations should be allowed for individuals with any type of body dysmorphia, mental conditions (GD is a mental condition, I don't care how the trans advocates managed to have it questioned and removed) working through the real issues is the answer. It makes as much sense as cutting up your stomach and intestines to lose weight, this is the society we are living in. Health care is nothing about health and all about filling up big pharma and the medical community's pockets with dollars. The "professionals" who are in charge of making these decisions need to have their heads examined.

There is lots of work to be done for those of us who are in the process of de-transitioning, and there is no help provided by these organizations that are pushing the trans agenda, a class action lawsuit is definitely in order. Healing, getting all of our documentation changed, learning to adapt to a scared body, living without any form of hormones, especially those of us who have had a radical hysterectomy and refuse to go on synthetic estradiol that is harmful and uncharted for ex-transgender individuals, is not easy. The world is so focused on the transitioning process that those of us who are returning home seem invisible.

Well on a positive note, I went to a female bathroom for the very first time yesterday, I had been using the gender neutral ones, or just holding it till I got home, but I felt really good about myself yesterday, it has been a little over 3 weeks since my de-transitioning, and I finally went and used the women's bathroom at Church. I can't tell you the feeling of joy I felt, returning to the bathroom I belong in the one that was created for individuals born with XX chromosomes, the ones with a real vagina, and that would be me. It was the most natural stress-free feeling ever, the other, always felt false and deceitful. I am so glad to own who I am, my true identity, the identity God gave me, I am a woman and can't ever be anything else. Yesterday at church the Pastor (I love this man, he speaks from his heart) talked about how our gender is eternal and we are born with it and transcend with it wherever we go, so for those of you in the trans community who think you can change this how wrong you are, and how tormented you will be for eternity until you accept what God gave you.

Although when I look in the mirror, I am still not quite happy with what I see, the hopes is that laser will remove the unwanted hair on my face and body, that the hair on my head will start to grow in, and that my skin will return to the skin I had (I know I am older, and that there will be some alterations from the beautiful 37-year-old I use to be before I started using androgens, but I will be thankful to feel complete as the woman I was meant to be.

How I am feeling since de-transitioning:

My appetite has decreased, my strength is going down, I find myself losing weight, loss of muscle mass, headaches began this morning, guess my hormonal levels are changing, the body is trying to adapt. I am trying to do this without using estradiol but will take it one day at a time.

Emotionally I feel great, went shopping at the dollar store yesterday after church, and bought some more makeup, nail polish, and womanly smelling lotion. I am embracing the feminine in me, something I use to hate before. I feel like God is recreating me, healing me, and it feels wonderful.

I am sure there is lots of work to be done, 13 years is no easy to erased in 3 weeks, I am for certain though that gender dysphoria and the trans mantra needs to be stopped dead in its tracks. People need to work on the real issues and that is a lack of self-love and acceptance. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your gender or body parts, it is your mental and emotional state that needs to be looked at. You need God in your heart, God heals everything. You may not see the results from your prayers right away, it takes time, have patience, but realize that when you start to develop a relationship with God, the void you once felt will disappear, he has your back and he loves you beyond words. I am saddened by the lack of love for God or even belief in our creator. How can anyone not believe, how do we justify all of his wonderful design? Just look around you, everything has his fingerprints on it.