Take your mental temperature Mercury

If you’ve ever come home to find your roommate arranging her crystals in the backyard for a cleansing moon bath, then you’re probably familiar with the phrase “Mercury in retrograde.”

The general idea, I think, is this: Sometimes planets look like they’re traveling backwards, or something? And when this happens, stuff goes bonkers — your travel plans get messed up, your job interview goes terribly or you die, maybe?

Look, I’m all about spiritual experiences. I might have levitated once during a particularly epic yoga class and I recently escaped my humanly body during a meditation session at the Texas Rose Saloon — but then again, I was three beers in by then, so I might have just fallen asleep for a minute.

That said, I’m pretty skeptical of most things: astrology, banks, organized religion, those women who sell gas station roses at the bar. I do believe, however, that the full moon makes people go haywire. Wanna know who else believes that? First responders, night desk crime reporters and anyone who works in a bar. Just ask — they’ve got at least one good full moon madness story.

I’ve been told I’m a “Virgo sun, Leo rising,” which, according to some hilariously designed websites, means that I “radiate special energy and magnetism.” Is that code for heartburn? Because I totally radiate special energy whenever I eat tacos before bed.

Despite my predilection toward making fun of horoscopes (If I ever come across one that says, “You’re totally going to make fun of this horoscope today,” maybe I’ll change my tune), I’m a little curious about this Mercury retrograde business.

According to the Huffington Post — I swear to God — Mercury “rules your intelligence, mind, memory and all types of communication ranging from talking and texting to writing.”

“During these three weeks called Mercury retrograde,” this hard-hitting HuffPo story reads, “your mental faculties are not functioning well; in fact they ‘go on vacation.’”

According to HuffPo contributor Larry Schwimmer (a most mystical name for a guy writing about how the planets make you, like, mega cranky), there are several things you should never do when Mercury is in retrograde: Travel, schedule meetings, close a sale, start a new job, pick a new roommate, order a pizza with “the works.”

I made that last one up — or did I? — but you get the gist: When Mercury is in retrograde, you’re basically acting like that crazy girl you dated in junior high. You know the one — she etched your name into her locker and pierced her own ears with a paper clip and a potato. Did anyone bother to ask her if her Mercury was in retrograde?

If you’re ever feeling crazy — H-E-B on a Sunday afternoon crazy — there’s a place where you can find out whether it’s the planets or just you: IsMercuryinRetrograde.com.

According to this site, you’re safe to start new jobs and buy new MacBooks and order Hawaiian pizzas until June 7, so plan accordingly.