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Random Recap – 90 Day Fiance

90 Day Fiance has disaster written all over it! And under it and through it! Five couples (we only meet 4 in the first episode) apply for the K1 – 90 day visa provided by our government for couples who want to see if they can/should get married and have their foreign love-interest stay in America. Spoiler alert: I haven’t seen the entire series of #90dayfiance but can already tell all the couples are doomed.

First up is Nicole. She’s 22, has a 2-year old daughter, and incredibly naive. Incredibly. And not to fat-shame her, but Nicole is weight challenged. She has a history of running off to be with a man. Nicole met her baby-daddy on line, and right after high school graduation, left to be with him in Texas. But things didn’t work out and Nicole returned home with a baby girl.

Flash forward a few years and Nicole has once again found the love of her life, on line. Her whole life changed after Azan. He is tall, dark and handsome, and proposed to Nicole after three weeks. They haven’t met in person, yet. She’s now planning to go meet Azan for the first time in Morocco so the American government can have this stupid thing called proofof a relationship. If getting engaged after three weeks doesn’t prove it, then I don’t know what does. Nicole will be staying for five weeks in Morocco as soon as she figures out where Morocco is. Not kidding. She’s shocked it’s in Africa. The real victim is baby May. The longest Nicole has been away has been three days. This is five weeks! The couple has a video chat and it seems void of any tender feelings – on Azan’s part.

Next we meet Chantel who lives in Atlanta. She is a 25 year-old cheerleader who still lives at home with her entire family. While pursuing her degree, Chantel became interested in learning Spanish and was introduced to Pedro, online, who was interested in learning English. He’s from the Dominican Republic. Their attraction was immediate so Chantel decided to visit. On her third trip to the DR, Pedro proposed. Chantel thinks Pedro is as hot as she is – which is all you need, right? Plus, Americans don’t treat Chantel like the princess she wants to be. Pedro, who didn’t learn much English, will be arriving soon. Chantel’s parents have no idea the happy couple is engaged and think Pedro is coming over on a student visa. Won’t this be fun!

Onto Jorge (pronounced George, nor horhay) who is 26 and he lives in Los Angeles. Jorge is in the medicinal pot business and makes six-figures, and is but as you know, his industry could really grow. Jorge gave up finding true love in America because all he ever meets are the dreaded “feminists.” He thinks a woman should depend on the man and not be all competitive like. He is boss, hear him roar. But actually Jorge is kind of a wimp, but on a good day he’s, Jonah Hill.

But all that changed when he met Russian Anfisa on Facebook because of her modeling pictures. Jorge has spent $70 L so far on gifts and traveling to Paris, Spain, Canary Islands, Italy. Anfisa has hit the jackpot. Jorge proposed and she said yes! And everything’s perfect – except for all the arguments and demands for gifts. Right now Anfisa wants a Chanel bag that’s a whopping $10K. Jorge goes to the salon, but buys a $395 cuff instead. I smell disappointment! Bonus: Jorge has a secret. Cannot wait! I’m putting money down on he has a kid.

The fourth contestant participant is Matt. Matt is 43, lives in Kentucky, runs a family car business, and has been married three times. Hmm. He’s also an identical twin. I wonder if they will pull a switcheroo. Those are always fun. Matt says the women his age aren’t “interested in him because he has too much baggage.” This left Matt no choice but to go to the Ukraine and meet younger woman. He found Alla, who also comes with baggage in the name of Max, her adorable 7 year-old son. Matt has always wanted children, so instant family works for him. Not creepy at all. Time will tell if this arrangement works for the kid. Matt is concerned how Alla will adjust in rural Kentucky when she’s used to the big city of Kiev. Matt doesn’t just want to walk down the aisle, he’s ready to run down it.

We’ve only met four out of the five couples, but the last couple is has the reverse situation as Jorge and Anfisa. TLC jumps to Chantel and Pedro’s romance. Chantel is moving into her own apartment. Her mom is happy she’s moving out, but not happy she’s moving in with a total stranger to them. Chantel needs to keep focused on her nursing studies. But, Pedro has dreams, too. After he learns English, he wants to become an airline mechanic. Mom wants Pedro to get a J-O-B right away. Chantel believes that Pedro is genuine and not using her for a visa at all. No way! Uh-uh! Mom asks that Chantel not do something stupid. Too late!

It’s Nicole’s last supper with her entire family. For the record, her family is against Nicole going to Morocco, but I guess they’ve given up on telling her what to do. If this were my child, I would duct tape her to a chair. Nicole has not done a bit of research on Morocco. She doesn’t know she can’t eat pork, must cover her blonde hair, and watch out for the pit pockets and human trafficking, so says her family over the American staple meal of hot dogs. When they tell Nicole it’s a Muslim country, her response is, “So?” Worst case scenario, says her brother and sister, Nicole comes home in a body bag. Nicole believes in Unicorns and fairy tales and that nothing bad will happen to her. I’m worried for this girl.

Jorge is meeting up with his sister and niece to discuss his trip to get his mail-order bride in Russia. He has five sisters and this is the first one he’s speaking with about his pending nuptials. The niece says the pics on Facebook of Anfisa look fake. Jorge is crestfallen. His sister thinks 90 days is too soon to get to know a person. Jorge tells his family about the fight he and Anfisa had after she received the cuff instead of the Chanel purse. Current status is she’s not speaking with Jorge, but hopefully that will change in a few days when he goes to Russia to get her. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait until Anfisa meets Jorge’s five sisters!

Chantel is so excited setting up their apartment. She has placed rose petals in the shape of a heart on their bed. Pedro appreciates all the work Chantel puts into looking so good. Wearing an ultra-short skirt to the airport to pick up Pedro, Chantel waits and waits and waits. Did Pedro get on the plane? Did he get held in customs? Chantel calls and turns out, Pedro’s in Florida. Maybe tomorrow he’ll arrive in Atlanta. Maybe not. Tears fall because of the language barrier. Chantel is confused why he isn’t there with her and wonders if this is a red flag. Adios amigos!

It’s quitting time at the car lot so Matt is having a drink with the guys. Matt is sure this time he’s making the right choice in women. None of his friends or relatives agree and think he is plain crazy. Best friend, Patrick points out that after each breakup, Matt falls apart, and they have to pick up the pieces. The family raises their glasses to make toast, but “best friend” Patrick refuses to bless this happy occasion and storms out. Matt is saddened by the turn of events, but certain things will work out…this time.

Anfisa is still not accepting Jorge’s calls and he’s supposed to leave for Russia today. He tries again and Anfisa erases Jorge’s phone and changes his password. And this is for not received a purse. Think what she’ll do if he asks for a divorce. But she was kind enough to send a text telling him to cancel his flight. Sweet girl. Still think feminism is a bad idea, Jorge? The upside is, gold-diggers are more fun.

At the end of the episode there is a preview of the new season. It is a mess, but could be the trainwreck you are looking for. In fact, if you watch this show, I can guarantee you’ll feel better about your own relationship, even if you’re not in one.