Top Republican leaders Thursday offered a first look at plans to remake their party with a renewed focus on the bread-and-butter issues of domestic policy while eliminating from its platform the most passionately-held beliefs of its members. A letter, signed by 14 congressional Republican leaders, makes no mention of same-sex marriage, gun control, immigration — legal or otherwise — or abortion.

“We admit we’ve been on the wrong track,” said McCain. “Now’s the time to do something bold and constructive.”

Both Senator John McCain and House Minority leader John Boehner have scheduled surgery to have their testicles replaced with Neuticles, prosthetic testicular implants for neutered dogs and other domestic animals.

Neuticles

“We decided that testicles simply send the wrong message,” noted a McCain staffer at a press briefing. “They imply strength, tenacity, and virility – characteristics that were clearly rejected by voters in the last election. We feel that Neuticles are more appropriate, giving the image of potency while actually being useless and non-threatening. This is the image the Republican Party must adopt if it is to have a chance with the new average Democrat voter, who most closely now resembles an angry, lesbian Professor of Social Justice at any one of our colleges.”

This helps explain why former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich was excluded from the meeting. He hadn’t been informed of the meeting, nor had Sarah Palin, the 2008 Republican Vice-presidential candidate savaged by such groups as Moveon.org and dailykos.com as “white trash,” their frequent synonym for someone too forceful in their demonstration of patriotism, love of the rule of law, and insistence upon advancement through merit.

McCain and Boehner are scheduled for surgery at McHugh’s Animal Hospital, in Arrassabet, MD.

“We also note that this surgery isn’t covered under existing medical insurance,” said a McCain aid. “This is another reason why the Republican Party must reconsider supporting Universal Healthcare.” A spokesman for McHugh’s replied that the usual charge for such a procedure on dogs and cats can run as high as $3,500, including over-night hospitalization. However, both Boehner and McCain have indicated they wish to have just day surgery and then rest at home rather than spend the night in the kennel.

“We hope our example will be a motivating force for other Congressional Republicans to follow our example,” noted a Boehner staffer. “This can be a new beginning for Republicans at both the national and local level.”

DLC President Bruce Reed, upon hearing the news, said that “any sign of change for Republicans is progress, but the real test will be in how many new Republicans can be invited to NOW seminars, CAIR fund-raisers, and demonstrations to give illegal aliens the vote. The jury will be out for some time.”