A married man is infatuated with me. What should I do

A married man is infatuated with me. What should I do

Kate de Brito

–,
Friday,
February,
10,
2012,(8:17am)

Dear Bossy: Thank you providing your frank and open advice in your blogs. I am a loyal reader of your blogs and after reading them for the past 3 years, I have come to the realisation that I need some of your advice too for a situation that I’m currently dealing with. Please feel free to edit / change this.

I am currently single in my late 30’s, I work for a large organisation and part of my role involves dealing with managers on matters requiring specialist advice or assistance.

I was assigned a matter where I had to deal with this particular manager – a male. To be honest, I was actually put on a back foot as I was afraid of him at the start. As time went on, I worked with him professionally to resolve his matter successfully over say 3 months. I noticed that he wore nice clothes or shirts and he paid attention to his appearance (I later found out that he was trying to get my attention). He was very impressed with my professionalism and skills. One time I had to return his call and when he heard it was me, he said that I brightened his day. Nice thought.

I found out from another work colleague that he was married after I finished working with him on his matter so I didn’t pursue anything.

Anyway, over the next 2 months, I would see him around the organisation and I would certainly say “hello”, or “what have your got on here” Reply might be “meeting” etc. I just had some small talk.

One time, I mentioned confidentially that I was going to look for another job where he said that he would put me in touch with a friend of his. He kept his promise and did that. I met with his friend as I do view networking as an important activity – I do do it myself. But just before meeting his friend, I became very ill only days before and ended having to go to hospital. I was luckily treated promptly by doctors and was released. After texting him, he called me to see how I was going (he started texting me over that weekend of putting me in touch with his friend). I was absolutely touched by his kindness and thoughtfulness.

Over the past say 6 weeks we have been in touch nearly every day, mainly SMSes, phone calls.

As a thank you for contacting his friend, I caught up with him for a drink after work as a good gesture. He talked and laughed a lot and really enjoyed each other’s company. It was in a public place so it wasn’t some dark dingy place.

But recently his wife got very annoyed that he was speaking to me on the phone one night and questioned him about it. When he said “a friend” she cracked it with him. Shortly after this he asked me not to contact him. But wanted to see me in person to discuss/explain what had happened – this I honestly really respected. I liked his approach to deal with this without getting too up tight. He mentioned that it’s not like him to get very aggressive. I gave him space and said that when he feels right he can contact me or do what he likes. I felt extremely bad. I reiterated that I didn’t want to cause any marital problems and it was not like we were secretly having an affair.

I wish to reiterate that there has been nothing physically happening between us. We have only been speaking on the phone or smsing – how was your day? What you planned for weekend? Etc. Enjoy your party with the boys etc. He has treated me with the upmost respect, has not tricked me in doing anything, he has been very honest on what has been happening.

This guy has since told me that he has feelings for me, and loves me. He is over 10 years older than me and has 2 teenage kids. His kids are almost finished high school.

I on’t go into detail but here is a summary of some of the things he has done for /to me:

He sent me flowers for my birthday at work. In his note he said that hopes we never lose each other irrespective of where life takes us.

He texts me saying that he can’t stop thinking about me.

He has called me sometimes 3 times a day just to see how I am doing (usually it is every second day he calls).

He’s told me that I am special and nice.

He sends me messages and tells me songs he likes after listening to them.

He sends me lovely SMSes messages saying that he wants to hold me

He admits he is fascinated by me. I have acknowledged his attention and actions always with a thank you. He also does find me physically attractive as well.

He admits he has a problem and has started seeing a professional for help, but says that he doesn’t have any remorse on what he has done to me / for me. He has acknowledged to me that he does try to engage with conversation with his wife but she doesn’t interact well. It’s girly weekends, parties etc for her. He also acknowledges that he has feelings for another person other than his wife – meaning me.

He has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to drag me in to his marital problems and has said when I asked ‘that is not your concern”.

I get the feeling that he sees me more than a friend. I have said that I will be there for him and support him. I think he wants more from me but he knows his married and he himself has admitted that his life is so routine. He struggles that he can’t see me more often. I will say if he wasn’t married I would pursue something with him, but can’t as he is currently. I think he is unsure of what to do.

Over the festive season, I received an email that he was confused with his feelings, going through a tough time and I have become part of his life. He also said that he wanted to know how I felt about him and that it was up to fate whether my feelings for him would grow and that more time could be spent together. To be honest, I was really upset in receiving this as it was not like him at all. He also sounds depressed. He know that I am a good person and I don’t sleep around. But I’m not one to latch on to married men. He has admitted he wants me but can’t have me.

He asked me last week to not SMS him for a short while as his wife saw another clean text from me. I followed his request. As I can’t call him or sms him to see how he is going, I have resorted to emailing him just to say that I’m thinking of him and that I was here for him.

Please note: his wife has not bothered to go to counselling or initiate it. It has been him of his own will that he wants to deal with his emotions.

For NY, he said he hopes that I’ll be a big part of 2012.

I’m not sure what he is going to do. As he does respect me, he has been very good to me and I’ve said that I wouldn’t want to lose him. But I think he struggles that perhaps I see him as a friend, and he sees me more than a friend now that he has grown feelings for me.

Any thoughts on what should I do? I sincerely would like to hear what you and readers have to say.
Upset and confused.

Bossy says: “I get the feeling he sees me as more than a friend”. Not sure if you practiced the Pollyanna routine but it’s not washing with me.

How on earth can you think you are not being dragged into his marital problems when you are at the centre of them? How can you say you are not one to “latch onto a married man” when you are emailing him during his marital strife to let him know you are “there” for him?

This man will probably leave his marriage for you. He is looking for you to give the word that you are truly interested, so he can jump ship knowing there is another vessel to jump into.

Stop pretending you are his friend. You are a work colleague and you have developed feeling s for each others. That’s it. If you were a friend you would stop having contact with him. You would recognise that an unhappy marriage or even a few problems in a marriage can quickly spiral into divorce when there is someone else - someone new - standing on the edges like a siren on a rock.

Stop texting and phoning and emailing this man. Tell him kindly you are not the answer to his marital problems. Tell him to stop giving you gifts and compliments and to keep from now on professional.

I think you will struggle to make this happen. Certainly he will. You have both already let it go too far… even though you were not “secretly having an affair”. No, not at all, just phoning and messaging each other, “being there” for each other and him showering you with compliments and calling to tell you he just heard a song he liked on the radio. Please. Next thing you’ll tell me he made you a mix tape.

I can tell you are flattered by the attentions of this older married man. And I am sure he is a very nice man. But he is also married with children and to be with you he would have to leave his wife, extricate himself from what are almost certainly some complicated financial arrangements with his family, and organise to care for his children in some sort of part time capacity.

That would be fine if he was making that decision based on the fact he was incredibly unhappy and unsatisfied in his marriage, had tried to fix it but couldn’t and eventually just decided it was time to leave. But that’s not what he’s doing. What he’s doing is trying to jump ship because you have pulled up beside him masquerading as a royal navy rescue vessel.

Have Your Say

While you aren’t having a physical affair, you are actually having an emotional affair which is just as bad impo.
What is his wife supposed to think if he leaves her and then ends up with you when she has seen these texts already? She is clearly not stupid and can see what is going on, nowonder she is distant from him, who wouldnt be when they dicsover their husband is constanly in text conversation with another woman.. and not only once?
While the messages of yours that she saw may have been’clean,’ she knows what it could potentially turn into and she seems to not want to lose her husband.
Stop fooling yourself OP and stop fooling around with this man!
If he has to tell you not to text him, it means he is feeling guilty about them and that means it is not right or okay!
If you ended up together with this man, his wife would probably make the divorse as messy as she could, and to be honest, rightly so and this would cause bigger and harder to deal with issues in the future.
Getting with him and overcoming the current issue would only be the tip of the iceburg.
Good luck OP, cause Im sure you probably wont follow any of our advice and you will folow your heart.. and its hard not to.

You are not ‘friends’. You’ve engaged in what you thought was harmless flirting and he’s now ready to ditch his marriage for you. If his marriage sucks and he wants out, that’s his problem, but he doesn’t need the extra incentive of a new girl waiting in the wings to hook up with if he decides the marriage is too much work.

I get that you love the attention but it’s time to start getting it from someone more appropriate - like, someone single might be a good start.

You are a nasty, sly, little vixen! You are absolutely complicit and are actively participating in this flirtation. Your ego is being stroked, and you’re loving it.

You’ve also clearly decided that you are a far better person than this man’s wife and would be a much better option for him. Based on ... well, absolutely nothing actually. A couple of comments this pathetic man has dropped your way. The old cliches “My wife doesn’t understand me ... I’m very unhappy ... boohoo”.

You say you’re in your 30s and attempt to paint yourself with an air of sophistication. Frankly you sound very, very young - I’d like to say 18, but my 18 year old would never play these immature games. You sound extremely manipulative, passive/aggressive and completely lacking in self-perception.

I’d give you some advice, but I know you’ll completely ignore it as you’re all about what’s best for you, while pretending to be an innocent little bystander. Sickening!!!

As I see it, there appears to be two main scenarios here, both of which are at play

One - you are an attention seeking delusional predatory woman that presumes to know what is happening in someones relationship. You claim to know him so well after at most, a year!

Two - he is a classic cheater that is trying to work out whether you will be okay to take the next step with. You are enabling this by the constant contact and of course he is going to tell you he is having issues with his wife.

I was assigned a matter where I had to deal with this particular manager – a male. To be honest, I was actually put on a back foot as I was afraid of him at the start. As time went on, I worked with him professionally to resolve his matter successfully over say 3 months. I noticed that he wore nice clothes or shirts and he paid attention to his appearance (I later found out that he was trying to get my attention). He was very impressed with my professionalism and skills. One time I had to return his call and when he heard it was me, he said that I brightened his day. Nice thought.

You were “assigned” to this man as part of your job. And the next thing you choose to mention in the paragraph is that you were afraid of him - BUT you couldn’t help but notice his nice clothes… (Predator) You either assumed or believed rumours that he was trying to get your attention (Conceited) Did he tell you he was impressed with your skills or did you merely assume that? (Conceited) Did he say it while he was looking down a low cut top? (If so, Tease) Telling someone they brightened your day can mean as little as - my project work is boring me, and I needed a distraction (Once again, Conceited).

Networking is a valuable opportunity for anyone - did you ever come to think he was merely extending a professional courtesy? Or have you never heard of companies that have a refer a friend bonus? He may have been getting something out of you finding work elsewhere through his friend!!

You caught up with him for a drink or you initiated it? Very suspicious if you ask me… If you were the one that suggested it, I think most people would agree given the other content in your post that this was once again predatory.

WHY ARE YOU CALLING A ‘COLLEAGUE’ as you put it… AFTER WORK HOURS?!?!

WHY ARE YOU MEETING TO DISCUSS HIS MARITAL PROBLEMS IF HE SAYS IT’S NOT YOUR CONCERN AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN/ THE RESULT OF THEM?!?!

He struggles that he can’t see me more often. I will say if he wasn’t married I would pursue something with him, but can’t as he is currently.

Struggles if he can’t see you? (Conceited) Right here - you’ve let the cat out of the bag and shown a degree of intent. It’s like the only thing standing between you and him is a Certificate and a Gold Ring.

For the love of God - you are teasing him as much as he is teasing you… WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SUNSHINE SWEETHEART - He’s stringing you along and if you intend on sticking to the moral highground, then you’re giving him false hope…

Leave this man and his family alone!!! Gather up your self respect, end this affair (yes, your emotional affair) and find an available man!!!

yes yes some man shown you attention, but he is married. so bloody hands off both hands and mentally! get it?

or not because you work for BIIIIGGGG organisation where everything is too DE-fragmentise to employ real smart people? mmm.....

i have known people in 30s with mental capabilities of high school weeners.....so telling us you are in your 30s meant jack manure darl.

go eat more walnuts to grow brain.

somebody help here, what is the name of the constestant in Masterchef, a lawyer who weener teased the bloke to break up with his wife whom had just given birth to their second baby?! OP you are just as despicable as that contestant.

I actually get your position.. Mum had a friend for nearly thirty years and he used to do things for her like buying clothes and stuff.. Dad was friends with him too and the three of them used to get along really well together, they’d take us kids over to his place and he’d come visit.. Then Dad’s mother stuck her nose in with a big bullshit story about Mum and her friend having an affair which nearly killed off their marriage after one particularly violent episode where I was caught in the middle.. Didn’t stop Mum and I from seeing him though, we’d meet up at the library and go to a café or we’d go out on a bush road somewhere where he was teaching me to drive.. Dad’s jealousy and totally crap suspicions were so bad that he tried to stop Mum from going to someone’s funeral.. Things actually improved between them when his mother died and she couldn’t poison his marriage any more.. Dad never made friends again but let up on Mum and when Dad died she had their friend there to comfort her.. A few years after Dad died Mum and her friend did have a relationship but she never had the guts to tell us because of everything that happened before and it was only when I asked she asked if I minded!! Err… why would I?? and everyone was good with it..

Somebody might be pissing in the wife’s ear or she might be carrying on about a genuine friendship.. None of us knows how he feels and he probably needs a friend.. Anyway regardless of whether or not the OP keeps in contact with her friend, it sounds like his marriage might be buggered anyway.. Passing judgement is not something people should do when it usually hurts a lot if it happens to them..

Are you for real?! If I was his wife, I would hunt you down and skin you alive. Have the common courtesy and respect for a marriage vow. You are embroiled in an emotional affair, which by far, is worse than a drunken one night fling.

Of course he will be confused about his feelings, you are feeding him the easy out instead of dealing with the issues in his relationship. And what he is experiencing is a fairytale. There’s no stress or financial issues, children, and common day to day problems.

As for him, if you were a ‘true’ friend, you could have an honest conversation with him about his behaviour. Tell him that you are going to seem like a solution to his life, but it’s not reality. He has relationship issues that HE AND HIS WIFE need to address. Thing is, the way you’re both going if you did meet for a conversation like this, it’d be likely you’d end up in bed together. He’s being manipulative and selfish by continuing to persue this too. If his life was THAT bad, he would have divorced or at least separated on his own accord and with a clear conscious of not have dragged a third party into the break up.

OP, don’t know if realize you are the center of his problems? sounds like you like the attention.

If you don’t want to be the cause of splitting the marriage, I suggest you stop calling, SMSing, emailing, facebooking etc.
His wife is only gonna see you as a girl trying to get closer to her husband (no matter how innocent your approach is).

I’m not suggesting being a snob. You can still be acquaintances in the office and say ‘Hi’ or ‘How are you’.

You know he has feelings for you, so you ‘being there for him’ is just leading him on. Tell him straight (not just hinting) that you are not interested (unless you are).

You are going to destroy his marriage.
It’s going to cause irreperable harm to his children and wife.
He is flattered by your attention, as much as you are by his. He really wants to f--k you because you are young and he finds you attractive. Also, he is bored and in a rut (ie mid-life crisis).
He may or may not actually care about you (most likely he doesn’t care that much about you, it’s about him and his mid life crisis).

Ultimatly if you persue this and destroy his marriage you will be damaging the lives of his wife and children. Once that is done, there will never be anyone way to undo the damage. It will haunt them (particularly his children), for the rest of their lives.

What you are doing is immoral. What he is doing is incredibly, completely immoral and cruel to his wife and children.
He is being dishonest, cruel and selfish.

He clearly is not that good of a person, if he is willing to hurt his children and wife to puruse his own sexual desire so selfishly.

You are clearly not that good of a person if you are willing to pursue him despite the fact you know he has a family.

If he were already divorced, fine, he is a free man. But currently you are seeing a married man. You are doing something very wrong.

Do the right thing. Tell him that you are sick of the bs, and that you can’t be party to him destroying his family. And stop talking sh-t about his poor wife, you don’t know her and have no right to critisize her.

Dear upset and confused,
I understand that you appreciate and reciprocate his friendship towards you. I also understand that you are grateful for his helpfulness to you.

But there is something you have gotten wrong. You say the 2 of you are not having an affair. But it is very clear that he is having an affair with you. It may not have been consummated, but by saying the things to you that he is, there is absolutely no doubt that he is having an affair with you. For you to maintain a friendship with him under those circumstances means you are permitting this, and even having an affair back.

So don’t. Now that he has gone beyond friendship while married to someone else, the friendship is not salvageable.

Do not take an interest in his problems with his wife, or rather, in his side of them. You have no idea, and can have no idea, what is really going on (in the sense of what you would see if you were a fly on the wall). Seeing you and holding out desire to be close to you gave him an incentive to focus on the faults in the marriage. Letting him tell you, the object of his desire, about these faults, just made that worse. So try not to have an opinion about the marriage and start justifying what you might want to do, it is not your business.

And don’t take responsibility for his feelings. He sounds depressed? It is up to him to find a counsellor, which he said he was doing anyway.

- Husband leaves after +20 years, as he had “strong feelings” for a woman he had met overseas and leaves pretty much straight away at his “one chance of happiness”
- Leaving behind several teenage children or as he started saying “young adults”. I suspect it’s easier to justify leaving your kids if they are “young adults”.

The catch for you?

18 months later he is still emailing me saying he has “strong feelings for me” or that he “still loves me”. I don’t think he cc’s his girl friend in on these emails.

You have both already let it go too far… even though you were not “secretly having an affair”. No, not at all, just phoning and messaging each other, “being there” for each other and him showering you with compliments and calling to tell you he just heard a song he liked on the radio. Please. Next thing you’ll tell me he made you a mix tape.

Good work on calling out the emotional infidelity. They did let it go too far, but I’m glad the OP has written in before turning things physical.

Sounds like the guy is in an unhappy marriage. That sucks, but its up to him to fix his problems with his marriage (or end it) without interference from an outside party.

It sounds like the wife is being a bitch though. He wouldn’t be looking around if he wasn’t so lonely. Still, he needs to confront his marriage problems head on rather than take the path of least resistance (an affair).

You’re a twit and he is a scumbag, however you’ve both managed to delude yourselves that you are good, decent and caring people who are going through a rough trot.

Option 1. Have a tough talk with him, convert this relationship to one of purely cold and polite professional courtesy.
Option 2. Look for another job.
Option 3. Set him and his company up for a sexual harassment lawsuit and walk away with a settlement of $750 K after paying 150 K in legals.

Nice advice Bossy. I’m not really into this fruitcake thing. We all do some pretty stupid things at times but not for me to change the culture of this blog. When I taught at uni it really drove me crazy at times wanting to say, “Surely you can’t be that thick” and you eventually realise that you’re there just to do your best. It’s like kids learning to walk. Nothing for a long time, hopeless and then suddenly one day, hey presto.

OP, you may not have started the rifts in his marriage but if you continue to be involved with this man on any level outside of strictly professional, you may well find yourself looking like the person responsible for it.

Stop all contact outside of the workplace. You’re buying into the illusion that you’re doing nothing wrong. Put yourself in the wife’s shoes. Would you be happy if your husband was having these conversations with a “colleague”?

My vibrator is not doing it for me anymore. I need a man. Stuff looking for a nice unattached one. I need complications, divorce and angst to match my feelings of loneliness. Oh, that is right, some married bloke, who I in no way gave indications of my interest, keeps calling me, emailing me and texting me. I could not be happier to destroy the evil siren woman who bore him two children and dares to get in the way of my happiness. He would never do that to me if we got together though becuase I am so smart and sexy. Being delusional and tasting a bit like brandy is not a problem for me.

Jeez guys, you are all a bit harsh and judgemental today! Must be time for weekend to have a good long sleep-in....!
OP, do you love this guy and do you want to be with him? If you do, go and nail him! All is fair in Love and War!
Just keep in mind that if he is willing to leave his missus and kids for a chicky he hasn’t slept with, he will most likely do the same to you in a couple of years. He will flirt with his new love interest, bag you behind your back and he will leave you when you least expect it!
If you don’t want him, cut all ties. He is not a friend to you. You can’t be friends with someone who has the hots for you. You said he respects you and he is good to you. He is trying to get in your pants, which is not showing any respect towards you. I’ll bet that he doesn’t even show any interest in who you really are, what your personal interests are, what your life story is etc.
And him hooking you up for a job with his mate is purely to keep you close, controlled and to get his mate to report back to him on daily base to keep an eye on you....
Good luck and all the best!
Keep in mind that there are nice guys out there! I just met one and I am in a relationship… Maybe I should write to Bossy too? But no, I know where boundaries are and what I can and cannot do/say/think. I am late 30’s too; that should be an age that people know what life is about and what games are played…

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