I’m going go out on a limb here and clense myself of self humiliation and self loathing about what happened. This happened years ago, and I still think of it almost every day. So as you can imagine, this is a good humiliating catastrophy. Enjoy your laughs at my expense. Because I will probably never mention it again. It’s time to be the humble person so here goes….

I’m about to tell you all the absolute most mortifying thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

This story is not only grotesque, it is very personal and very hard to talk about. So please try not to be too judgemental. I have only told maybe 4 people about this in my entire life, so you as my non biased blog readers can count yourselves lucky. Enjoy the opportunity to hate on me because I’m sure I’m going to get lots of hateful comments over this. First off, here’s the controversial part of my story. I kind of have to tell you the precursor to the event or you won’t understand why it happened. So I’m going to get right to it. I HAD AN ABORTION.

Go ahead. Get your hatred and judgment out. I don’t care. I did the right thing. This is one of my biggest secrets, and I am sharing it with you all because this is a private blog and I need to get it off my chest. I was dating a man for over 6 months (not that this is my longest relationship, but it’s sad I was so gullible for so long) who I didn’t know was married (I am not the type of person who dates a married man). Immediately after I found out he was married and was mortified over that, I broke off the relationship for good like any self respecting girl would do. But, I found out I was pregnant one week later.

After telling him, it all went downhill from there and fast. Within a week I found out just how unexpectedly unreliable and selfish as a person he was. He wouldn’t even such as go with me to the ultrasound. He wouldn’t even go with me for the test.

What a tool. And, on top of that, his family was threatening to take the baby away from me. As if their son hadn’t ruined my life enough. I didn’t have as much money as he did. And his family had connections with our corrupt mayor and with lawyers. I was screwed and the baby would be too.

I was too scared. Not for me. But for the child and the life it would have endured. I grew up without my father and with a single struggling mother. I would never put a child in that situation. And our foster care system sucks. I just couldn’t do it. With someone who I know would have been a terrible father and a 4 week old pea sized heartbeat who would have had to grow up with the stigma that would have come of a married man who knocked up me, who would have been seen as a hobag, I just gave the child a chance at a better life. Heaven or reincarnation would have been better. Death would have been better. No child deserves the life he or she would have had. So I had the abortion. But that’s not the most embarrassing part. The worst was the after effects.

Quite a while afterwards, I had been at a music event where my band played put on by the so called father. It was an outdoor camping festival style event and I got very dirty due to rain and yada yada. But my friends (who didn’t know what had happened) and I were hungry.

We went to the restaurant afterwards as we were very hungry looking like dirty tires and I was sitting at the table with a group of my friends and before we left I felt this god aweful feeling like my clothes were soaked.

We got up to leave and as I looked down, I realized I had bled all over the chair I had been sitting in. And I don’t mean just a little bit…like a normal period. It was an absolute puddle. Like one a few napkins would not whipe up. Like someone had been stabbed! There was no hiding it. It looked like my vagina had been massacred at the table. My clothes were soaked. And here came the waitress to buss our table. I cried so hard.

I had uncontrollable unexpected, off schedule periods for about a month or two afterwards. Out of nowhere I would bleed. This is something the abortion clinic did not warn me about.

It happened one other time when we went camping with roughly 100 people at this camping party, I started my period in my favorite white dress yet again, could not hide it.

Can you imagine?! Not only did I get pregnant by an unknowingly married man, but I also bled for months after randomly in public places. Life’s a bitch sometimes. But we live and learn.