I just realized that Vanderpump Rules is a science-fiction show. These people are actually stuck under an impenetrable dome surrounding West Hollywood. If they don’t fight their way back into the central friend circle, they will literally die. It’s like The Hunger Games with overpriced cocktails.

That would have to explain why Kristen, Scheana, Jax, and Stassi feel like it’s life-and-death if they are not in this central SUR clique. It’s one thing to miss a friend and make amends, but the way that Kristen and Stassi fought their way back gives me pause. And how Scheana acts like it’s a zero-sum game: When Ariana “left” her, she replaced her with Katie. If Katie leaves for Stassi, she’s alone forever. (Hey, remember your husband?)

I hate seeing Kristen getting what she wants, but for some reason I’m rooting for Stassi. Maybe because she actually seems like one of the smarter ones! I actually see her and Ariana being really great friends.Read More

Wouldn’t you know, Vanderpump Rules is at a high again. Just when it started to get away from what was so great about it, it remembers its roots and comes right back. Stassi is back. Jax being complete garbage is back. The Toms’ love affair has been rekindled.

Lala, who is now living in Stassi’s old bedroom (what?), has a housewarming party and invites only people who have been contracted to appear on camera. Stassi is there, and her ponytail looks amazing. I think that Stassi’s superpowers are in her hair extensions. She got unwatchable when her hair was shoulder-length. Speaking of hair, the nervous hair fixing was out of control, between Scheana and Tom Sandoval. I’m still waiting for someone to do a super cut.

My apologies for not recapping Vanderpump Rules last week. There wasn’t much to say; the whole show was like foreplay for this week’s trip to Waikiki for Jax and Tom’s super-special boys’ birthday party. Can this group celebrate anything without a plane ticket and bottle service? Other highlights: We saw Jax on the toilet, and he finally let James come on the trip, along with Lala and Faith, the waitress whose main characteristics are that she dyes her hair silver and she enjoys getting naked with Lala. Faith is the new Vail (callback!).

The gang has a beautiful trip to the islands. They explore some historic volcanic sites, learn about the local culture, and have a really great dinner just enjoying each other’s company. They talk and laugh into the night, and lament how their actions have changed now that they are in their thirties. Tom and Jax go to bed with their beautiful girlfriends and dream about what an amazing birthday they had and thank the higher power for blessing them with a life full of love and friendship.

It’s time for the Vanderpump Rules mid-season power rankings. We’ll start from the bottom:

Brittany
Not only was she referred to as “Kentucky Fried Chicken” by James, but she moved across the country, driving by herself, to move in with Jax. It’s heartbreaking that she is over the moon about it, because we know how it ends—either in tears, blood, or spray-tan liquid.

Ariana
There’s nothing like taking your boyfriend to a tattoo-removal specialist because he tattooed a flaming letter A on his backside, and it will now take a year of treatments to remove. “Why are you bending over? It’s on the top of your a–,” did prove to be the best line of the night.Read More

What’s this? Vanderpump Rules aired on a Sunday? This show is about as reliable as hiring Tom Schwartz to bartend. Hey-oh! My apologies for not realizing this. I’m at my parents’ house for the holidays, therefore, we all watched this episode as a family. My mother had a lot of questions.

We pick up where we left off last week with Peter, the Toms, and Jax in Vegas. The Toms got tattoos for their girlfriends. Schwartzy got “Bubba,” which is what he calls Katie.

My Mom: “Seriously? That girl lets herself be called that?”

Tom Sandoval got a flaming “A” for Ariana. “We did a stupid thing in Vegas,” Sandoval tells her. “What, did you [and Tom Schwartz] get married?” Oh, Ariana. We love you. And, apparently, she’s been in comedy shorts that have had like, a million views. So she’s doing a show where she reads from her diary. Let’s take a guess on how she felt about the tattoo.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times at Vanderpump Rules. It was the age of Jax impregnating girls in Las Vegas, it was the age of Kristen’s foolishness over James, it was the epoch of the Tom’s belief that they were indeed shrewd businessmen, it was the epoch of incredulity at Tom for not locking down Katie with a proposal, it was the season of SUR, it was the season of breakups, it was the spring of hope for goat-cheese balls, it was the winter of despair over Scheana’s marriage.

We had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going directly to PUMP bar, we were all going directly the other way. In short, season four was so much like season one when Stassi and Jax were together that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

I. The UnicornPrincess Party

Ariana is 30. So old! How can she handle it? Does she have a decaying portrait in her attic like the other SURvers? How does one react? By throwing herself a unicorn princess party in the suburbs. The ego demon of Scheana must have overtaken her, because this is a total Scheana move. There’s a bouncy house. Balloon animals. Crying. You know, the usual. Ariana misses her dad, who died two years ago, and is it too much to ask to have her boyfriend, Tom Sandoval, be with her through this sad time? No, he wants to go to Vegas for Peter’s birthday the next day.Read More

The first rule of the Vanderpump Rules, thinks James to himself as he wipes down the table, making it shine so he could see the cleft in his chin, is to stay strong. Show no weakness. No matter what.

James takes his square metal thingy which his laptop sat upon where he would press play and make people dance. Without this, where would I be? he thinks. He’d probably serving Grand Slam breakfasts at Denny’s, not at a Sexy Unique Restaurant. James thinks of his sexy unique times with Lala and Lauren, which made him feel better, until he sees his mother walk in.

Mummy! cried five-year-old James. His Mummy—the former fashion model who wooed his father in a cafe while she was in town for an assignment and he was fetching the “Choose Life” shirt for Wham’s new video.Read More

Is anyone else in shock from that Vanderpump Rules reveal? No, not that James slept with Lauren the host. No, not that Tom Schwartz is buying Katie a ring. No, it’s that James’ father used to manage Wham! Wham! The band that has a question mark already in its name, so you have to yell it.

He went down the path of producing songs with budding pop princesses, and writing raps that end with “Oops, delete” as a lyric. You know what else we learn? James like to have his arm bitten during sex. He’s an adventurous guy.Read More

An Out-of-Towner’s Review of SUR
I was in West Hollywood doing some shopping, and my husband and I decided to get some dinner. I asked him where he wanted to get dinner, and that exact time, three guys in a convertible drive by, chanting “Vanderpump RULES!” (or was it Vanderbilt? Maybe there was a game?). So my husband, as I later found out, said “sure,” but I heard it as SUR. So after popping it into the GPS, we arrived at the restaurant, eager and hungry.

The first thing that happened was that the young gentlemen who was DJing, and we know he was James Kennedy because it’s written on his laptop, suddenly stopped DJing and headed outside, apparently to “take care of something.” Is that customary in restaurants now? Also, we could hear their conversation from the inside of SUR. James was screaming at someone named Kristen, accusing her of sleeping with someone in Detroit and how she’ll never get someone as young and good-looking as him. “Darling, you are jokes,” he kept repeating, which I assumed was a quirky British saying. I should have complained then, but we were so hungry we didn’t want to go someplace else.

After about an hour of the bartenders talking about some man who was cutting off his ponytail, we finally got our watered-down drinks after they discussed James making out with someone who calls herself Lala. Then, after overhearing a pseudo-British woman counseling a young woman about drugs, we got served something called goat-cheese balls. Truth be told, we never paid the check because suddenly the staff all disappeared to go to a boxing match, because everyone kept saying, “I can’t wait to see how this will go down!” and, “Kristen is going to get scrappy with Lala!” Young people, I can’t understand this language. Or perhaps we had stumbled into some sort of postmodern dinner theater?Read More

Expression Of JoyThe Brady Bunch: Groovy! The Bradys: Ritual hugging Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.” Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you? The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…” The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been) Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!” Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?” The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical ProblemThe Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen. The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed. Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents. Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer. The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical SolutionThe Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens. The Bradys: Bobby gets married. Married…With Children: They hate him. Thirtysomething: If only we knew… The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

Attitude Toward SexThe Brady Bunch: Never heard of it The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it! Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No. Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident. The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses FightThe Brady Bunch: They don’t. The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens Married…With Children: Tooth and nail Thirtysomething: They stop talking The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into TroubleThe Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette. The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair. Married…With Children: By committing felonies Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket. The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.” The Bradys ”Next time, ask.” Married…With Children: By the authorities Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face. The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For FunThe Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon The Bradys: Has flashbacks Married…With Children: Exchanges insults Thirtysomething: Talks The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved MysteriesThe Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die? The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use? Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other? The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst BehaviorThe Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

Best Reason To WatchThe Brady Bunch: This is what life should be. The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now! Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it. Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life. The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To WatchThe Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses. The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now. Married…With Children: She has a point. Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real. The Flintstones: The Simpsons

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