How to Seek Help If You're in an Abusive Relationship

You're not alone.

If you’ve experienced any form of abuse, it’s common to feel lonely and uneasy around people you’re close to. On top of dealing with the physical effects of domestic violence, abuse victims often feel embarrassed, hopeless, anxious, and unable to trust. While it’s hard to do, telling someone about the abuse can help you get out of the dangerous environment and start recovering.

Even if you feel alone, the stats show you’re far from it: One in three women and one in four men have been victims of domestic violence in their lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. And women between the ages of 18 and 24 are the ones most commonly abused.

“Abuse of many kinds — sexual, physical, emotional — can occur at various times in our lives, across a range of relationships,” says Dr. Michael Friedman, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York. “Part of what abusers do is make us feel like we are responsible for the abuse, as if we somehow consented to be hurt. Most people who are willing to be abusive are not willing to take responsibility, so blaming the victim is part of the abuse.”

If you’re not sure if you’re experiencing some form of abuse, do a gut check. Is your relationship making you feel sad, scared, or uncomfortable? “Abuse may begin with behaviors that can easily be dismissed or downplayed such as name-calling, threats, possessiveness, or distrust,” according to the NCADV. “However, violence and control always intensifies over time with an abuser, despite the apologies.”

To get out of an abusive situation, Dr. Friedman suggests ending contact with your abuser. “Feel entitled to block someone on social media, phones, email — whatever is necessary to keep them away.” But the best way to take away the abuser’s power and gain control of your experience is to speak out about what’s happening. This way you can get the help you need, be it counseling or a restraining order.

Admitting you’ve been abused might feel terrifying, but preparing what you’re going to say first can help. “You can rehearse in your head or even practice when you’re alone,” suggests Dr. Friedman. “By practicing, we start to reduce the fear that we may face, and ultimately build confidence.”

Then tell someone you trust and keep talking until you get help. Your family members and friends may be great people to confide in, but this depends on your situation. If you’re being bullied at school, for example, a friend in class might not be the best person to turn to. In this case, seek out a teacher, a counselor, a school nurse, or a doctor.

There may be times where the person you confide in questions your experience or doesn’t believe you. “Thank them for their time and walk away, then choose someone else and don’t attempt to go back to that person,” says Annette Oltmans and Johanna Tropiano, co-founders of The MEND Project. Their organization works to help abuse survivors avoid what they call double abuse: the experience victims have when they’re minimized, blamed, ostracized, or not believed when they report their abuse to their support system.

It may seem shocking to have your experience questioned by someone you trust, but sometimes it’s hard for people to process the difficult news. They might feel personally threatened by your accusation, especially if the abuse was happening under their nose and they did not realize. But you can’t let this reaction discourage you. “Trust your own voice, and don’t let this wrong individual stop you from seeking the support you need,” Oltmans and Tropiano say. They recommend finding an advocate to accompany you when you report your abuser to local authorities or consider calling a non-profit or governmental agency in the largest city near you to get support.

You may also feel comfortable talking to a licensed social worker, therapist, or physician. In most states, they’re mandated by law to report abuse to the proper authorities, like child protective services if you’re under 18, within 36 hours. It’s not their job to believe you or investigate your claims. “These individuals are bound by law to report your abuse and maintain your confidentiality,” Oltmans and Tropiano say.