Monthly Archives: July 2012

I apologize if you did not feel welcomed by my first post. I heard that it wasn’t, well, introduce-y enough. The Vampire Kings made it clear that they want everyone to feel welcome, and no one disappoints them.

The Vampire Handbook is just want you think. We will discuss what makes a good vampiric candidate, how to become a vampire, what to expect the first few days, weeks, and years, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. To be honest, we have never needed a handbook to do this. But with the advent of synthetic and cloned blood, we need not hide anymore. That still takes getting used to – I keep expecting someone to recognize me and pull out a wooden stake.

Not that a wooden stake would kill me, but I do so find splinters in my chest to be annoying. Would it be too much to ask would-be vampire hunters to learn how to sand down the stakes first? And for the record, I absolutely love garlic in my food, but must you bathe in it?

Where was I again? Oh, yes, finishing the introduction.

The human population need not fear vampires. First off, fear is never a productive emotion. I mean, yes, fear does help you keep alert in wartime and such. But really – we’ve lived here among you for centuries and you have lived fine so far. Why get worried not? Is that not like shutting the barn door after your horse escapes?

Secondly, we now have both synthetic blood and cloned blood, so we need not feed directly off of humans. Now, if you want to make some money, we can use blood donors for the cloning machines, and many vampires will exchange blood for room and board. But we do not need to take blood from you. In fact, most of us find taking blood from the unwilling to be rather dramatic and unnecessary.

Thirdly, who do you think keeps the real dangers that go bump in the night from consuming you?

Anyway, I will write more about vampires next week. You see, I also drew the short straw and now I must write a weekly report for humans.

Actually, you may call me “Gregory”, but that is not my name. Vampires like to change names every few hundred years. A new name helps us to adjust to the times. Of course, as fast as things change these days, I almost feel like I need a new name every other month.

Let me clarify this a bit – vampires change their human names every few hundred years. But we all have a vampiric name, that we use when we are around other vampires. For the record, it is most impolite to ask a vampire for their vampiric name. And we vampires are sticklers when it comes to manners.

I know that sounds rather strange, but we have to live with one another, so to speak, for decades to centuries. Following a strict code of manners helps us avoid certain, shall we call them pitfalls? Bad feelings generated when one feels as though you are not giving them enough respect. Manners avoid these situations, and help keep misunderstandings to a minimum.

That brings me to the point of my greeting. Once a week, I will answer any questions you have about vampires and vampirism.

Want to know about our culture? Please ask.

Our history? Well, you can ask, but I am only going to answer what I personally know as fact.

Dating? I won’t touch that subject with a ten foot pole. Ask Jennifer about dating.

My contact information is on the right side of the screen. Feel free to click and ask.

“Can I still… you know… since I’m technically dead?” (Yes, but I’m not going into any more details. You need to figure some things out on your own.)

Seriously, I have neither the time nor the patience to deal with the pestering.

Luckily, Gregory always love to answer questions, especially from the ladies. Starting next week, he will answer any question that you send in. Just write, um, email him. No, I don’t know how to email him. But I’m positive he’ll let you know himself.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the Introduction.

Vampires are a bunch of poor lost souls, infected with a nasty disease that makes us have some peculiarities about us.

Right. Even I can’t sell that load of crap with a straight face.

Listen, there are a ton of stories within the vampire community as to how or why we exist. The honest truth is that we ourselves do not know where we started, only that we are here. I can tell you my favorite creation story involves Adam, Eve, Cain, Abel, and a lot of blood.

But I am forgetting myself again. You want to read an introduction, right?

The Vampire’s Handbook is an invitation and a guide, all wrapped together with a pretty bow. We want people to feel comfortable around vampires, though we will be here regardless of your comfort. We want to answer your questions, arrange meetings and interviews, and all in all help humans and vampires get along better.

At least, that’s the party line.

Now, I need to get something to drink. Type this out for me, Jennifer, and do whatever magic you need to do to put it on our website.