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Monday, October 30, 2006

If Someone Is Lying on Your Floor Drunk Wearing Broken Wings, You've Got One Hell of a Winona Party.

This is the face of Winona 2K6. Man. What carnage. What absolute carnage.

In terms of legitimate Winona exposure, this was not the party for it. After Drunk Erin and Ingrid guzzled most of their vodka supply before the actual Winona shindig even got going, they spent the first two hours fast-forwarding The Age of Innocence when I went into the kitchen so that we would be half an hour ahead of schedule and they could watch part of the Kathy Griffin DVD. Which they have each seen about 24 times. To compound the situation, each movie was blatantly ignored and I suspect the only Winona aspect people will remember are the amazing decorations, courtesy of Ingrid:

We had a difficult time deciding if the overall theme of the party was going to be anti-Gwyneth Paltrow or pro-Winona.

Winona won.

Kidding. What actually happened is that in the midst of the decorating process, Drunk Erin and Ingrid got giddy from looking at US Weekly and starting putting random celebrity posters up.There is an illiteracy/black person/American Idol hell specially reserved for the inhabitants of Weenie Enema Headquarters.

In another stab at Winona, the costumes, which were supposed to pertain to either characters or symbols from a Winona movie...turned out to be pretty much the exact opposite.Mary Kate Olsen was never in a Winona movie, although Ashley Olsen VERY narrowly beat out Winona for one of the leading roles in The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley: The Case of the U.S. Space Camp Mission. True story.

Mariah Carey was never in a Winona movie. I don't want to hear any "Winona was in Glitter" jokes. They are not funny.

G.G. Allin was never in a Winona movie. But I'm pretty sure unwashed prepubescent white boys with Asian man facial hair and untamed armpit hair were in Boys, so Weenie Brian gets half the points for this astounding get-up.

Ernest Rolfson came as himself. He has never been in a Winona movie, though I wouldn't be surprised if he's diddled a few female crew members from Mr. Deeds or something. E.E. Grimshaw WAS Brittany Murphy's character from Girl, Interrupted, but promptly got bored with it and went as an Emma.

Cousin Michael hasn't been in a Winona movie either, but we give him mad props for at least pretending to read a slanderous book of vile hatred by about Ann Coulter. We also heart the fact that he stayed still for 30 minutes while I cut his hair. I did an amazing job and everyone in the world should get their hair cut by me. I accept Diet Pepsi as legal tender.

The most amazing moment of the night went to one of the more unobtrustive guests. We love. Endlessly.This literally made me melt. It is very difficult to type when you're a PUDDLE.

We heartily thank everyone who showed up, especially Cousin Michael, who came in from Westchesta (the Bestchesta) for a 24-hour family reunion, despite a checkered history with me that includes me making him cry 454 times, french kissing him when we were about six, pretending there was a gang war in my hometown and scaring the living shit out of him, making him marry my cat 34 times, and going sledding with him and pushing him into a briar patch. Good times.NAKED COUSINS.

3 Comments:

I had one and a half drinks, not an entire bottle of vodka. Oh, by the way, a mean Mexican man tore down a few of our Winona posters outside the door yesterday. I gave him an evil glare look and he smiled and walked away. Olivia makes me melt as well. Kind of. :)