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Beginning/ end: I used to work for peanuts a long time back while babysitting my cousin. After school, I worked in a preschool for little more than peanuts. You should have seen me then, swelling with pride. Then came the full-time corporate job after uni —> Monday to Friday, 9 to 5 high-paying, boring, monotonous desk-top white-collar job. I realised too soon I wasn’t enjoying the job apart from the salary. I quit. Went back to college to study. Dropped out of college after a year, traveled a bit and NOW back to working for peanuts. Beginning??? End???

2. My way or Highway

So I think sometimes it’s important to just sit back and stop whatever it is that you’re doing ~ take time off for no reason and travel all alone. Go out there “On the Road” and “Into the Wild”. See different things or see things differently. Don’t get back until you’re ready. Don’t get back until you’ve figured out what is it that you’re “ready” for. This may be a time to collect your thoughts or the time to clear your head of all the “junk” thoughts.

Being single = the privilege to start what I can/may never finish OR call it quits before I even start.

Being single = the downside of having no one to pin it on when things go wrong (as they always will)

3.The Peanut-butter Theory

And at the end of the day if everything else fails and all life has to offer is peanut, churn it into peanut butter [yummmm] and enjoy your peanut-butter sandwich. Lame as it may sound, I speak from experience and I love peanut butter. I can have them straight from the bottle.

One of my biggest fears when it comes to living the life I’ve decided to live is – What happens….. later?

As of now, I’m carefree (sort of). Even with my supersonic-ally depleting finance, I’m still managing to stay afloat, still trying to write or rather type, sometimes even post a blog here. I have no one but myself to blame for my meagre income and errr I’m not complaining. How I wish my fear were limited to finance! It’s not. Because I’m hoping that before I retire, I’ll find something to retire on, I mean money-wise. If not there’s always a chance I’ll get involved in big bank heists.

The BIG Fear

What bothers me more than my finance is – Once upon a time an obnoxious colleague from my ex-workplace had predicted that I’ll turn into a never-married-nagging old hag. His words have been nagging me ever since.

A neat desk was next to impossible when I was in my teens. I never had a desk earlier (I mean it was there somewhere obscured by the books, papers, clothes and what not). I know my mom’s going to flip if she ever finds/ sees my desk this way. Have I grown up?? If that’s the case, I don’t mind.

Now, if my desk isn’t that way, I freak out, I yell, I scream (in my heart and mind) at the one who’s tried to disturb the sanctum of my uncluttered desk. As soon as the culprit is out of sight, I quickly bring back the sanctity. There was a time my desk was so cluttered, it was invisible. Now I have a desk which, when I look back, comes as a BIG surprise to my older-self. I must have grown up, I still don’t mind.

What I’ll soon really/ actually mind is – as of now I’m screaming/ yelling in silence. However, somewhere in the future is a possibility that the yelling/ screaming, like my desk, may surface to audibility and thus visibility. Those screamings and yellings will obviously spell “naggings”.

I seriously do not want to give my colleague the pleasure of being correct. We are no longer in touch but that’s not the point. If I turn into a nagger, I’ll definitely be proving him right. Every passing day when I complain about little things which aren’t done the way I want them to be done, I ask myself – Am I “really” turning into a nagger?

But what’s it got to do with me being single? At the end of the day, we all become naggers when we grow old, don’t we? It’s actually not nagging but it’s the knowing. “Ignorance is bliss” and so there’s no need to nag; obviously now, is there? One doesn’t need to be a rocket-scientist to understand that if “ignorance” is equal to “bliss” than “knowledge” the opposite of “ignorance” is equal to “misery” the opposite of “bliss”. When in misery, everything’s miserable and thus the “nagging” comes about.

Hence, I’d like to stress on the fact that “nagging” has more to do with knowledge than growing old s1ngle. Tidying my desk isn’t the only thing that’s changed in me with time.

I used to be the shortest-tempered person ever known (to people who knew me) and these days people (the others who’ve come to know me of late) ask me if I ever get angry.

I no longer argue and I don’t get infuriated when someone doesn’t listen to my side of the story. I’ve learned they have their own version and instead I listen to them to learn about the other side of the coin (whether I like it or not stays with me).

Look at me, I’ve started blogging (opening myself up to the whole world out there). There was a time I used to keep my journals and poems locked up, scared what “they” might think of it.

Beauty was vanity before but now I’ve learned it’s more of a therapy and that anyone can look beautiful. Also I’ve become fully aware of the explosive combination of beauty and brain which in turn becomes a HUGE confidence booster (especially as the proud bearer of such combination). I’m absolutely self-confident.

I had some kind of self-destructive tendencies but now I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to accept compliments that come my way, without being too cynical about it. “Why is he/she giving me compliments? What does he/she want?

Grudges are a thing of past. I forgive others and when it comes to forgiving myself, it’s even faster.

I have a crush on Prince Harry and no longer do I imagine another damsel in distress waiting to be swept off her feet. I AM the one WAITING. Unlike the times I was growing up, now my stories about the good looking boys I meet have me starring opposite them 😉

Further to my change above, I no longer think that I have to be holed up in a corner just because I’ve chosen to be single. In contrast, I go out and have fun and I definitely enjoy every bit.

I’m pretty sure I’ve become someone I’d have loved to hang around with as a kid.

I have quit smoking.

Of course there are more changes but at the moment those are inappropriate in terms of relevance. Hence nagging has nothing to do with me being s1ngle and everything to do with me becoming more knowledgeable. The fearful question, however, still remains – to nag or not to nag. Well, if nagging comes along with a price tag of all the lovely virtues above, then to hell with my ex-colleague’s accuracy of prophecy. Let him be the prophet while I’ll be a proud old-nagging hag.

For now, I’m confident especially from my rambling above that I’ll justify all or any vices as and when they emerge. If nagging is the result of gaining knowledge, what are the chances of me being caught with my guards down? Zilch, I suppose.

Sine qua non – As far as “later” is concerned, I’d rather hum to Doris Day’s number “…whatever will be, will be… the future’s not ours to see… que sera sera”

I’m going through a rough period in my life. The last 2 days have been awful with my finance depleting at a supersonic speed. My nerves too are on the verge of becoming extinct because a co-worker’s been getting on them :@ a little TOO MUCH.

Luckily, being s1ngle does give me the pleasure of blaming “this period” to being s1ngle. These are times when I wish the wishful thinking, sighing “If I had a boyfriend/ a fiance/ a husband/ an ex……” Whoa!!! I DO HAVE AN EX 😀 As soon as it dawned on me that I DO HAVE AN EX, I picked up the phone and almost called him to discuss things (the things happening to me are actually beyond me/ my understanding).

What made me stop –

I’ve always solved my problem by myself (regardless of any regards) and if I do/ did call him, I’ll be listening to his problems more than talking about mine. I’m pretty sure he has problems (he used to have them all the time so all the time includes NOW, if I’m not wrong).

If I did call him and luckily if he were without problems, would things happening to me not be beyond him/ his understanding?

If I did call him and luckily if he were to be without problems and perhaps he would understand things happening to me…. but how in the hell was I expecting to explain the things happening to me when in fact it’s actually beyond me/ my understanding?

Do I even have a problem?? What was the problem again??? If the problems are beyond me, could I be actually having problems????

Last but not the least, I don’t have my ex’s number because I had deleted it when I decided to enjoy my single-hood. I must thank my good fortune here because… imagine calling one’s ex and having to explain problems beyond one’s understanding and so forth just to realise the fourth point above.

Well, I’m lucky to be single. When things go wrong, I can always pin it on being single. And the luckiest part is finding out it isn’t.

What is the most funny thing about being single is – it’s not me who’s worried, it’s the others. For me their worries spell “envy”. Oh well, yes I know I’m flattering myself a little too much than I deserve.

I was in the 11th grade when a friend (a very very good friend) tried enlightening me. She was a lovely girl (I regret not keeping in touch with her) and an intelligent one too. Now that’s a rare combo, I’m sure. So yeah, she was worried about me and the decision I had taken. I have been very vocal about my decision to stay single so everyone who knows me knows that I aspire to stay single (even my ex-boyfriends).

Back to my lovely friend – she usually tried changing my mind. It was one of many such conversations (the excerpt of which I’m going to narrate) after which it was she who almost got enlightened and after which we stopped having conversation regarding – NOT staying single.

ME: Nod, Nod, Nod (After all, my mom had told me about this and listening to something true and real and important and amazing can be wearying nonetheless, the second time around).

MY FRIEND: Who will you share your troubles with? It’s not possible to solve all your problems by yourself.

ME: Nodding, nodding, nodding still.

….. and then….

(enlightened) ME: Hey, ever wondered??? If I’m alone, my problems will be lesser than if I marry or get into a relationship. Cos then I’ll have a spouse who’ll have troubles too and before we know it, we have double-troubles. Being single – I’ll only have MY problems to solve. Being with someone, WE will have OUR problems to solve. What do you say??

MY FRIEND: (Pondering! Pondering!!) I’ve never given that a thought but you do have a point.

MY FRIEND: Quiet.

Well, some people are meant to be with someone, meant to be in a relationship, meant to get married, meant to have a “happily ever after” endings. They are perfect the way they are. So at the end of the day, what we should not forget is that there are people who are meant to be S1NGLE, who are happy being S1NGLE. They, too, are perfect the way they are.

Being in a relationship or being S1NGLE is like the yin and the yang and so is everything in life.

….there I was in the boarding school, looking up to the single Head Mistress and getting inspired to be single.

Along came my teenage years and it was as if I was meant to be nothing but s1ngle. I began worshiping who else but the one and only Oprah (to find out later – in my life – that she doesn’t believe in the “institution of marriage”).

However, I DO believe in the institution of marriage. It’s just that out of thousands of role-models to choose from, I couldn’t (still can’t) believe I found it in Oprah. Undoubtedly she is an ultimate success story of rags to riches, girl power and all that jazz. For me, she (or her life) is actually synonymous to a “second chance” or a “hope”.

She is one woman who, through her show, has (indirectly) been responsible for who/ what I am today. The fact remains that I didn’t look up to her because she was single. I looked up to her and she turns out not to believe in “marriage” (apparently making her single) – all adds to the fact that I am destined to be s1ngle 🙂

The reason I’m single isn’t because some jerk broke my heart. It isn’t because I’m scared or even scarred in some way when it comes to relationship.

The reason I’m single is because I don’t need a reason to be single. That’s just the way I am.

I grew up watching the chick-flicks and reading Mills & Boons, where “Tall, dark, handsome” boys fall for “Beautiful, slender, awesome” girls. Ever since, whenever I’d see good looking boys, instead of crushing in on them, I used to virtually imagine stories for them where some drop-dead-gorgeous girls would be waiting to be swept off their feet.

By the 10th grade, I had created some hundreds of love stories to be forgotten in time. Now when I think of it, I’m so meant to be a single writer. AND am I getting started???