That’s 21 teams now that have succumbed to the Minnesota Timberwolves’ mad skills. 21 dreams scorched and ruined. 21 teams, with 12 players each. That’s 252 souls sent to the dark depths of Sheol to spend eternity as paper-thin waifs thanks to us. Some of those 21 teams were the same teams again, but that’s when their souls clawed back up to earth and we kicked them back down again. Kiss the sole of our Hakeem Olajuwons, playa.

I feel sorry for the scrap-heap of teams with worse records than us. What’s it like to SUCK, Cleveland, Phoenix, New Orleans, Sacramento, Washington, Orlando and Charlotte? We wouldn’t know. We have the 23rd best record in the league out of 30. Top 25%, bitches! If the top were actually the bottom.

All the other NBA teams are whack. You think you’re going to bring that weak layup in here? GREG STEIMSMA IN YOUR FACE! He just fouled out in two minutes flat. Ohhhhh yeah, Steamer! Is that your head spinning? Because JJ Barea is running circles in the paint and giving every center over 6’7″ five blocks a game. Daaaammmmnn! Check out the highlight reel of Derrick Williams doing so many pump fakes that he forgets to even shoot the ball! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

And the teams we WILL play? They just sit at home and drink Arnie Palmers with their Grandmas and try not to think about how they’re going to get decimated by a mid-level D-League team.