Sadly, I couldn’t make it to one of downtown Savannah’s biggest social events Friday evening, the After Mugging Birthday Party held in Whitefield Square for Mariela Orellana Nemanich.

But it probably was a good thing.

I didn’t have time to go shopping, and it would have been impolite not to bring an appropriate gift for the guest of honor. Like pepper spray. Or mace. Or maybe a Smith & Wesson Model 642 Lady Smith revolver.

That’s because Mariela survived one of every Savannahian’s worst nightmares. She had been robbed at gunpoint outside her home by five young goons. Thus there’s a slug for each perp. It’s a great equalizer for a wife and mother who’s just over 5 feet tall, weighs 98 pounds soaking wet in her Pilates outfit and is celebrating her 55th birthday.

Mariela and her family live a few blocks east of Forsyth Park on Huntingdon Street, between Lincoln and Habersham streets. It’s a wonderful location. But like many areas — downtown and away from downtown — it pays to walk around with both eyes wide opened.

Or, maybe with a snarling dog on a leash.

Here’s what happened to this pint-sized mom about 9 p.m. last Monday, according her Facebook post.

“Came home, got out of my car, opened the trunk and five teenage boys surrounded me, with the shortest one pointing a gun to my forehead.

“It didn’t register. I said, ‘Hi!’ But he didn’t smile. He was serious. ‘I’m not playing!!’ As he cocked his head.

“‘Oh, I see. So I’m getting mugged. Mmmh, OK. Let’s see, so what do I do? I’m new at this. What’s the procedure?’ He walked quickly behind me, pressed the long gun to my temple (smelling of phosphorus, like he had recently fired it) and repeated the words, ‘I’m not playing!!’ And relocated the gun to the back of my head, execution style. Crap! Gang initiation! I am going to die tonight, right here... He pressed the gun harder into the soft of my skull and I peed in my new Pilates pants. Shorty wanted money. Got mad I only had $4...

“If this was a gang initiation and not a robbery, I figured I had nothing to lose if they to got to know me a bit, so I said, ‘You know, guys, I love Dr. Martin Luther King and his teachings. And I voted for Obama. And I love our First Lady! She’s great! ...

“But Shorty wasn’t budging. He was all hyper and annoyed. Then, they took the bottom of their T-shirts and tied them over their noses, like bandits. I thought, ‘Crap. This is it. Shorty’s getting initiated down the street from Kroger’s and is going to blow my little brain all over my new Prius, and how will my kids get to school?’

“‘Why am I thinking about school!!?’ He kept the metal pushed hard against the back of my skull as I kept staring at the cement and repeating, ‘I can get more money. I can get more money.’ He decided to take the car instead. But (he) couldn’t start it, it’s a hybrid.”

Frustrated — and, after a nearby lookout on a gold bike sounded an alarm — Pee Wee and his posse split.

A few days ago, state and local police announced they were ramping up patrols this Labor Day weekend to protect the motoring public. Fine. But don’t forget about protecting innocent citizens — liberals, conservatives and everyone in between —from being terrorized in their own neighborhoods.

Hence, the Lady Smith.

But on second thought, I’m not sure that this snub-nosed weapon would make such a great gift for someone like Mariela, an extremely fortunate woman who really is a lover. Not a fighter. And someone who’s better on her feet — with a gun to her head — than I would be.

However, if Short Stuff is reading this — and he’s probably not, because he sounds brain-dead — he should consider himself lucky as well.

His victim is taking self-defense classes. Typical lessons include how to disable male attackers with hard kicks to tender regions of the body. Thus if he had mugged this spirited lady after she learned this skill, he could forget about peeing painlessly — in his pants or otherwise — for a long time.

And if it affected his ability to have children, too bad. Savannah’s gene pool would be better off.

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Yet another pack of street predators has chosen a productive member of society to threaten and rob. Sad to say that chances are these pant loads will not be found to answer for the crime. I am happy to say that hopefully soon all of these punks will be gunned down or in prison due to their own actions, leaving our streets a little safer. And when Junior has kicked the oxygen habit, Mommy will wail and cry wondering why did this happen to her poor sweet baby.
Maybe if more Mommies and Daddies knew what their offspring was involved in these sort of things wouldn't happen. Maybe if the parents were held responsible for the actions of their sons/daughters
teen crime will drop significantly. Maybe...