What’s Wrong with You, World?

Happy weekend, huns. Today was my last day at work. Today I moved back to my old apartment just for some time until we’ll solve some issues with my bf. Just love my balcony. Today I’ve got an email from Meg I want to share. The world is crazy. Guess it’s old news, but I still love it as it is.

So, ok, I might be not the nicest person on the internet. I may came off in ways to be despised or belittled by someone. But I’m not 12, so some silly emails won’t put me over the edge and I won’t go crazy or to start binging or purging suddenly. However this one from my hater Meg was kind of cruel.

If you continue on reading I must warn you that this entry is extremely triggering!

Thus Meg sent me the following email with the list of all the eating disorders, and which disorders, and subtypes, are considered the “best” and “worst” to have in the eating disorder community (more particularly the pro-ana community, but the overtones of the hierarchy certainly blend over to more acceptance-based communities also). Organized from “best” to “worst”.

Please note: I do NOT believe in this hierarchy, or the notes that follow!! Also I may still suffer from the eating disorder, but I’m in recovery and I haven’t binged or purged over the year, so Meg’s highlighted lines are just stupid.

To be completely honest, I find the results pretty disturbing, albeit still fascinating in a horrifying way.

Meg: “Read this bitch while chewing on your dead meat!

The Eating Disorder Hierarchy

1.

2.

3.

…

21.

Edited to delete the lunacy of the content.

Love, Meg”

In short, Meg, are you fucking crazy? You’ve ranked me! So what?

I wish there was a word that made me laugh out loud!

It’s pretty sick. And by sick I do NOT mean good. From your letter I understood that you like the other girl’s blog. Please, read it and enjoy. I have enough drama going on in my real life.

You know, I’ve learned that you can’t have the whole world like you (such as is in my company situation), but do remember that there are still people who care about you, one being yourself. 🙂 Don’t dwell too much on these negative comments. Don’t let them eat you up. 🙂

Thanks, Jeni.
I’m having relationship issues here too – I just left my bf house for the weekend to think things through. The job issues – well it’s not a big of a deal. I simply officially left my old job today, and reevaluating the new offers at the moment. Yup – sadness there is.
I hope you are well too.
Back to you with hugs,kisses and mucho amor! 😉

I understand what you mean. On one hand, you don’t want to take it personally because she doesn’t know you but on the other hand, it’s tough to not take it personally!! Oy. Just think about all of your ‘simple pleasures’ and know that you have a group of people who love you just the way are 🙂

It baffles me that someone would take the time to actively ‘hate’ on someone else.
It’s down right strange
And do I detect a hint of jealousy on Meg’s part?
I think so
She is one twisted sister
Sending you some love to negate the hate x

Why would anyone waste their time reading this (much less writing it).

I started and then just scrolled…because…this is just senseless insanity. Meaningless. Nonsense. The words blend together. WHO CARES!!!

You are better than even giving this a thought Greta! And that goes for all your “haters” …. it’s ridiculous. Those people are just toxic pieces of miserableness. You should be able to look at it and feel absolutely NOTHING.

She is clearly infected with some weird perverse insane nastiness — there are other blogs for people like that. Not us.

Oh, I wish, I did not care, Missy. I wish it so much.
I know this is crazy, this post is as shitty as one can be, so why do I bother? Why do I care to understand it? Somehow I unconsciously let people to hurt me.
I need to learn to ignore those. Somehow and soon.

You take care of yourself. You are doing so well, don’t let people with mental problems of their own bring you down.
If I were making a list of my own being Healthy and Happy would be at the top and bonus points for being supportive of others. I have to admit when I read this list my first reaction was not supportive of the writer. Me bad!

Good God, this Meg girl is insane, what the actual heck? what next, is someone going to come up with a hierarchy of say, cancer?
Greta, press DELETE on these emails – they belong in the trash. You are sweet and kind, and you are doing your best to work on your issues.
Meg, if you are reading this – get off the internet and into therapy, you are clearly not at all well or happy. Actually she sounds a bit Nicole-ish 😛
*hugs* Things have been rough for you – it’s so unfair that people pick on you 😦 Many hugs and love and support – haters gonna hate right? xoxoxo

Yup, Meg is coocoo! She ranked me and the other girl all wrong. Gee, what I’m talking about.. anyways that list IS triggering. Of course I was aware that something like that existed, that anorexics were somehow better than bulimics or bulimics than over-eaters. But I had no idea there was a list of that shit.
And I cherish you the most, friend. 😉

YES I was thinking that. For one, Nicole is NOT that. And only you and anyone you tell knows what you are. And the rankings are stupid. All the years I spent in hospital, yes there seems a bit of a hierarchy. But that is so so so far from what it actually is, it’s hilarious. And nobody actually comes out and says it. It’s something that just is, a natural pecking order I guess. And diagnosis has nothing to do with it. I hate that there is so much competition in EDs and I hate that crazies perpetuate it. One thing I’m pretty sure about? It’s usually the wannabes who put out this stupid stuff. The silly little twits who aspire to have EDs like we actually do have. Gah. I hope Meg has a therapist, although I doubt she would be honest with her since obviously she’s very much into wanting to be ‘sick’ 😛

That list is the product of a sick mind, and it’s got absolutely zero actual truth to it.

Oh, no, I hope she’s not the wannabe of any kind. That is the scariest for me, when kids try anything like ed out of desperation. I know you’ve met the death. And as weird as it may sound I’ve met it too. Not glamorous at all, right, Fi?
I hope she reaches for real help. Even here, come on Megz – I forgive ya’ 😉

Me too… I spent years in there, sick and close to death, trying to tell the younger patients or visitors to the ed ward (visitors in a short lived scheme to try to scare early illness patients out of it, as if that would work) that please, please don’t keep going down this path – because it’s hell, and then you die. And they looked at this girl, sorta balding, tied to the bed with tubes everywhere and bedsores and said, “Yeah, but…” yeah but I want to be like you. (WTF?) yeah but one more time. yeah but I haven’t done it properly yet. yeah but I just want to know that I was properly thin and then I’ll get better. YEAH BUT. It shattered me and I stopped trying for a while. Sadly you can’t reason with someone who is sick. You just can’t. It’s like talking to a brick wall. You can only hope that little snippets of what you say lodge themselves in their brains for later digestion (like midnight snacks of information) so that in their moments of clarity, your message gets through. They might not be ready for help now, but down the line somewhere, they will be… and I’ll be there then.
Not quite sure what I’m trying to say here… I should be in bed… go to bed Fiona.. LOL
Just that as much as I have no patience for them, I also once apon a time, was there too, clueless, not yet diagnosable as having an ed (although I didn’t KNOW what ED’s even WERE then and didn’t want one!) but convinced that losing weight would fix everything and fascinated with everything to do with the subject 😦 and that nothing else could get through to me at that time, either.
I hope with all my heart that some day we find a cure for eating disorders, better still, an early intervention that works and prevents so much illness and heartache and loss of life.
Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s possible to find a cure for just being a nasty person, so Meg might be less lucky on that side of things ^_^

Yeah, go to bed Fiona!
Go to dinner, Greta… I’m already running late, but I had to read your sparkling comments. Yup, they sparkle with intelligence, kindness, love and care and much more.
I will be replying to those later or in the morning over my coffee.
Meanwhile, sweet dreams. I wish you a long and resting night.
xoxo.

Ok, good morning and a short note on the subject: we can’t save anyone, Fi. That is so sad. I wish I could, You wish it too, but at the end we are all alone here trying our best as Meg should do.
This is not the way to live.
Ok, it may seem easier for a while, but that easier way always leads to scarier depths of the subject. I was managing my ed without purging for 11 years and while playing with fire ended up purging and in the hospitals with the feeding tubes.
I know you’ve lived through so much more but we’re not comparing it here. Just living the best we, can, right?
You should be a speaker for ed prevention or something, Fi, you have so much to give the world.
I owe you an email, but I’m late again so I’ll see you 😉

Sweet Greta, I agree, there is no comparing. I know one thing for sure – every single one of us who even brushes with an eating disorder, is going through hell.
It’s true, we cannot save other people. We cannot save everyone. We can give support, we can motivate, we can try and give hope and encouragement – it’s that old you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink thing – they have to want it, and they have to reach out for it. Nothing in life really ever does actually fall in our laps.
You have come so far, Greta, and it’s even more inspiring to me because you haven’t had access to the support services that many of us take for granted – and it’s hard enough going with those services. Without them, it’s a very lonely and difficult road back – and here you are. Alive, much much better, not only that, reaching out now and giving so much to others too. And that is, and YOU are, AMAZING.
I would love to be spokesperson. I hope to work in some capacity where I’m helping others some day, ideally helping those who have EDs and Trauma, and also helping those who are at risk, because one of my biggest dreams is to work in prevention, to prevent so much heartache and loss.
don’t worry about the email – I’m snowed under with stuff too. I’m surprised I made sense in my last comments on your blog because I was that frazzled! LOL.
Love and hugs xoxo

You have a tremendous amount of bravery to show me, the world who you are, Fi! There are lots of people out there who have stories to tell, but never the courage to do so. Oh, I can’t get over your shame post. I did though that I could recover silently by reading the whole bunch of books and visiting some internet pages – until I’ve spoken openly about it and there was no backing up. Thank you for being translucent, brutally honest, and perceptive in sharing your life with all of us. You can save souls Fi, the ones who want to be saved. Mine does! 😉

Me too, Greta, I want so badly to be saved – I know the only person who can actually save us is ourselves – but we are all reaching out and sharing strength and sharing support through it. One step at a time. xx

That is such a beautiful balcony. Having coffee on the patio is one of my favorite things to do! Regarding that note…some people can be so nasty. I have come to the conclusion that some people are just very unhappy individuals, with extreme insecurities…that letter was not about you at all. Don’t let anyone steal your joy from you! Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Thank you sweetie. It’s funny she could of written a simple “I don’t like you note” but sending me this crap shows not only the lack of happiness but on intelligence as well.
Yup, coffee outdoors smells and tastes better! Cheers! 😉

This is so utterly twisted. I’d always heard there was some sort of glorification of anorexia in the Pro-Ana community, but when you’re sipping Ensure+ in a group of hideously sunken men/women with different stories and struggles… No one’s a winner. I don’t think anything could be more obvious. I’m embarrassed for this girl – hope she finds the help she needs.

On another note. Thanks for your seemingly endless supply of bravery and honesty. You literally rock!

Yeah, Sooz, I though there were like anas, mias and something else. I’ve read like one of the site that gathered the sick and wanted to go puking right away. This stupidity just shows how ugly the diseases are. That some disgusting hierarchy exists and people strive for death. Sad sad sad.

Having myself gone through a….rough period of issues with food (never diagnosed, however a older friend of mine who was diagnosed as an anorexic [recovered now] was concerned about me because of my eating habits and rituals) this “list” really…bothers me. Any person out there who was still in their disorder (or very early in recovery) reading this would more than likely feel worse for not being ranked “number one”, or being less/not as “sick” than so and so. I do hope this Meg finds some form of peace, because these actions of hers are showing otherwise.

Ugh, I agree with you 100%. I feel really bad I’ve posted the content of that email. It’s just sick, so I deleted the bigger part of it.
Sorry, I made you read this, though, thank you for understanding and backing me up. 😉

I don’t mind that I read it. It just lets me know that there are people out there who need to re-assort themselves, their priorities, and goals in life.
Reading this and being okay within a few hours shows that I am strong enough to fight any battles that come my way, instead of caving in every time like I did before.

What a horrible thing for someone to say! 😦 So sorry you’ve had to go through hate mail whilst going through your own problems. Love the balcony, I thought it was just an image from the web but wow I’d love a pretty balcony like that too! I hope everything works well, sometimes things don’t go the way we want it to but things will work out soon enough 🙂 Just have hope! xx

Honestly? Such people should just die away. Miserably, probably, I wouldn’t care. They totally inspire me to shut down any empathy I’d be able to bring up. People like that are too vicious and small to deserve to write you, but since they did, I’m happy you made this public to get it of your chest. Yes there *are* morons. It will all come back to them.

Haha! Your comments always make me laugh.
I had no idea of the competition as well until I appeared in that 14th place. Not cool, right? Haha.
Sorry to disappoint that kid, but I don’t “play” it anymore. No one does! Anyone would take the last place to come to it alive.

Dearest Greta, often in the halls of AA you will the phrase ‘some are sicker than others’. I think this is perfectly appropriate in this case. That is all I will say about that.
I did however come across this Gertrude Stein quote that made me think of you
“Coffee is real good when you drink it gives you time to think. It’s a lot more than just a drink; its something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup.”

Lovely balcony pic! ;D My my my…. What a rude person! Nobody cares what her opinion is. I really find her bothersome. But we should not focus on the negative things around us. Just don’t mind her dear. We must always focus on the positives and ignore the negatives. Great job you did the by not binging/purging over the year! 😀 Kudos!

I really like your blog. Please never delete it (as you mentioned a couple of times). It did shoot me back in time reading your posts. I had good friends suffering from ED and seen the issues it brings with the constant struggle within oneself. Our bodies are the vehicles we use to go through time. As the famous aboriginal saying goes “We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love… and then we return home”. Don’t let anyone put you down, tag you, assign you to this or that category (includes that Meg person). In the end everything will be ok, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end!! By the way, food has been getting me increasingly sick so I’ll be taking some of your tips / food pictures for inspiration on what to eat 🙂

Whoa, Beckett – your comment just made my day. THANK you, so much – for so many nice words and the quote. Ugh, it just took my breath away…
And my food is kind of blunt, but having good cameras does help it to look appetizing. 😉
Once again, thanks for your support and cheer.

Unfortunately, this is the risk we take as bloggers throwing our thoughts out into the internet atmosphere. I have a couple strange ones, but they’ve never been mean. She’s obviously a very sad, angry individual who needs to seek recovery and maybe get a new hobby aside from yelling at people on their blogs.
LOVE the balcony! I live on the 31st floor of a high rise and wish I had a balcony. Yours is so cute!! Keep on writing, and screw you, Meg.

I’m Greta. I live in a small country in Europe. I am recovering from an eating disorder. But this blog is not only about that. It’s a cozy corner of my little life, full of passions for fashion, food, books and movies. Oh, and coffee... Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.

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DISCLAIMER

I am NOT a Registered Dietician, psychiatrist, specialist of eating disorders, personal trainer, or a certified fitness instructor. Everything I post is from what I have learned on my own and what works best for me.