Pages

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

On Maintaining a Husband ... A Guide

AS we have been celebrating our wedding anniversary at Quirky Kook Towers this week, I thought I would dish out some invaluable advice to would-be brides on how to maintain a husband with the minimum of fuss and bother.

THE 12 STEP MAINTENANCE GUIDE FOR A HUSBAND

(Inclusive For All Models And Years of Manufacture)

1. Don't start sentences with the words: "I think we...."
Preface everything and anything from where to go on holiday through how many children to have to what to have for tea with: "Don't you think we." ........ Then tell him what he thinks.

2. Don't complain about his cooking...

3. Or his DIY skills..

4. Or his driving ...

5. OR his sex technique.

6. Basically, don't complain about anything. Ever.

7. Learn how to smile when you're crying inside (with laughter or despair) to deal with numbers 2 to 6.

8. Always be suitably appreciative of his gifts.
Even for the ones in your least favourite style, colour, shape, size or fit (which will be most of them). And definitely for the ones when he repeatedly reads the instruction manual, out loud and very slowly

9. Even if you have, at some point, decorated a room, mended a washing machine, changed a fuse, tiled a bathroom or changed a tyre (delete as applicable). Do not in any way imply you can do it better, faster, quieter, with less mess and definitely less swearing when he does it.

9. Expect to have to watch sport.

10. Be aware that when the great Douglas Adams wrote: "Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so" he inexplicably forgot to add that Man Time is in a dimension all of its own. But then, he was a man. *tuts*

11. Never question why you have to seated, smiling and expectant when he cooks for you, but it's apparently perfectly acceptable for him to be ten minutes late to the table, covered in oil and asking: "Is that it?" when you cook for him.

And last, but in no way, least, remember:

12. You should NEVER ask him: "Is that it?" .... EVER. Trust me on this one.

Disclaimer: This blog post does not accept any blame, responsibility or liability for any divorce caused, contributed to or directly related to this blog post. So there.