Miles above the surface of the
Play-Off Planet, the Mighty Jackin' Power Slacker hovered as the
Slackers inside surveyed the planet's regions for their enemy. "We
got anything yet, Emmett?" The Dark Slacker asked. "Actually,
yes. The thermal scanners are picking up a huge cluster of lifeforms
in the jungle. Couldn't tell you what they are, but there are
definitely a lot of them." replied The Colored Slacker. "Do
we engage or not?" asked The Brown Slacker. "We don't have
the fuel to stay up here forever, Kevin." The Dark Slacker
hesitated, then answered "No. Find us the safest place to land.
And Neil, contact Squad B. We'll have them do a little reconaisance."

The Slackers monitored Squad B
(comprised of Elmo, Tick-Tock, Jack Pumpkinhead, Billina, and Wald
riding The Gump) by radio as they flew in to explore the jungle for
whatever creatures were waiting there. "Nothing so far, not even
a track. Just your average wildlife, you sure you weren't seeing
that?" Pumpkinhead crackled through the radio. "Are you
questioning my competence? I didn't graduate top of my class at MIT
to take flak from a talking pumpkin." snapped Neil. "What?
No, I'm just saying, we haven't seen a thing. Jeez, you've been
pretty salty since you guys came out as geniu-" Jack cut his
sentence short and could be heard asking away from the radio, "Did
anybody hear that? In the trees." There was a silence, followed
by the sound of a blast and a scream muffled by the radio dropping to
the ground. Jack was heard fumbling with the radio before he
whispered urgently into it "The poor Gump's been shot out of the
sky, but the attack came from nowhere! It's as if the jungle came
alive and killed him!" "Look around, Jack, we need to know
what we're dealing with here" urged Kevin. "There's
nothing, I'm telling y- no... no, there's something there. Almost
like heat haze, I can barely... my word, what is THAT?!" A
vicious roar and clashing metal were the last things The Slackers
heard before communications were lost. "Jesus... that can't be
good. I've got no idea what makes a roar like that." The Colored
Slacker admitted. "We can't risk any more individual groups.
Right now, we give them everything we've got."

The Nut-Busters gathered at the
western side of the Jungle and made their way in. Quickly the
Sentinels were able to track down a trace of mutant genes, which lead
them to the gruesome resting place of Squad B. The source of the
trace was the liquid metal skin of a Predator X, which lay dead with
Jack Pumpkinhead's sword driven between its eyes. Before anyone could
ask, a dripping sound came from behind and the team discovered the
lost squad's bodies hanging skinned from the treetops. "Oh
boy..." said a nervous Blacker Slacker. "I think I just
realized what we're dealing with." Before he could finish the
thought, a thunderous thumping of heavy quadrupeds boomed through the
forest and in an instant a dozen or more Predator X's were upon their
team. Aerosmith's reflexes weren't what they used to be, and all the
band but Steven Tyler were eaten by the beasts for their
cancer-ridden, mutated DNA. While The Slackers formed the MJPS as
fast as they could and the commons of their team began to fight back,
B3's Marines and Storm Troopers arrived under the command of a pair
of Predators. While their allies began to gain the upper hand in the
attrition, the Power Slacker took down one of the Predators with its
giant broken 40 bottle. The other cloaked and retreated, and the
Power Slacker turned back to defend their team from the Predator X's
tearing in to the Nut-Busters Sentinels and Brood. After their first
kill on one of the creatures, the remaining five circled the Power
Slacker and as they parried the first to pounce, a second tore off
the the Slacker's left leg and Neil along with it. The Mighty Jackin'
Power Slacker fell apart without the solidarity of the full team, and
the individual Slackers scrambled to protect themselves without their
combined power. As Kevin was eviscerated, the Dementors moved in to
drain the life from the last handful of Predator X's. Steven Tyler
hunched over the corpse of the killed Predator and, unable to resist
the allure of its glowstick-juice blood, snorted up a small handful
of the fluid just to see if he liked it. He felt his eyes begin to
tingle and the Yautja power to see heat came to him. "Holy S***
guys, there's like 100 of these f***ers around here! Bad trip, I'm
done with this." He ran away from the team into the jungle and
was immediately cut down by an unseen force and dragged away. The team looked over the
trees for the unseen Predators hunting them. Marcel thought fast and
shouted to his allies "Mud! Cover yourselves in mud, it's the
only chance we have!" As they rushed to scoop up the wet earth
and slather it on themselves, the 29 remaining Predators uncloaked
and unleashed a hail of blaster fire on the Nut-Busters, leaving
nothing behind but a crater of smoking detritus.

TEAM…. , Or is it team? This tEaM that was once synonymous with greatness, once feared throughout the league, once the one true blood rival to The Horsemen of Apokolips, now no longer seems to hold such standing. As the winners of the first ever Universe Bowl, TEAM still has within its roster several people wearing Universe Bowl Rings. Some of those characters appear in this match today, cast aside as too nostalgic for most weekly squads, but not so important that they cannot be put out for this 5 death week. Fans of TEAM would have you believe that the TEAM has remained great. That they are simply biding their time and waiting for the perfect moment to make another epic play-off run. But team critics will speak of their momentous fall from grace. The Horsemen and TEAM; at one point were considered by all the two top tier franchises; but in recent years it would be hard to even make a career long comparison to George Washington’s Slaves or The Commandos who have both had far more success than team has of late. But as Duke Leto, his concubine Lady Jessica, his father Duke Paulus, his granddaughter Ghanima, as well as Ethan Hunt the TEAM trainer, and Gen. Thade among others proudly wear for display their Universe Bowl Championship Rings this squad seems as if they are about even odds with Real Man and his Rabble Rousers. An expansion team that was cast aside by its original owner, only to be shuffled off to the very troll that would mock the league that TEAM once dominated…..

Strategy be damned for this match, The Watcher in a most vindictive manner has scattered both squads throughout the map, in all corners of The Play-off Planet which has led to nothing more than breakouts of tiny skirmishes throughout the multi-faceted landscape.

You will be witnesses….

Jedi Guardian #5, almost silently makes his way through the heavily forested region, being well-aware of the TEAM History lesson listed above. As a character from The Season 1 draft that has been floating around the league for the last 8 years he knows that no team or TEAM should be taken lightly. As the Jedi hears rustling in the trees, he stands at the ready, the only sound being made by him being the quick ignition and low hum of his now ignited blue lightsaber. Battletrap leaps into action, with the opposite of silence surrounding him. Several trees fall to the ground like toothpicks as the Jedi Guardian leaps into action toward his attacker. The Jedi is quick, but Battletrap hits him with a punch in mid-air that sends him flying into a tree, not only breaking it in half; but doing the same to every bone in the Jedi’s humanoid frame.

The Fremen (#58-63) explore the landscape of this unfamiliar desert much like the Zensunni wanderers that were their ancestors. As they feel an uncomfortable rumble below them they stand prepared with their hands nearing the holsters bearing their crysknives and maula pistols. As the Powerdasher Drill comes crashing onto the scene from underneath them, they are shocked at how small the transformer looks in comparison to the massive worms that they are used to seeing. The Fremen leap into action against the giant robot and begin fiercely pounding on the Cybertronian with attacks that seem as though they could not possibly affect it. The hardened fists, fighting style, and attitudes of The Fremen manage to make their way through the hardened exterior of the robot and smash its spark into nothingness. Only Fremen #59 and #62 survive; but the Transformer is destroyed. The water of their former tribesman is a gift from their former friends, and a true blessing from Shai-Halud.

Dark Side Acolyte #19 slowly walks the salt water beach, pondering her future with the dark side, when the Powerdasher Car comes ripping through the wet sands. The Acolyte can barely ignite her lightsaber before the half robot form of the Powerdasher drives directly over her much smaller body.

Perceptor is working on several algorithms within his makeshift lab in the city in an attempt to locate some of his other TEAMmates and create an offensive plan, when he is stumbled upon by Oroko Nagi. What the Autobot has in brains lends very little to his fighting prowess, as he is unable to make contact with the much smaller ninja. Oroko Nagi takes a while to do so, but eventually chips away at the Cybertronian Metal exterior, until Perceptor’s energon level runs so low that he is unable to fight. Only the untouched Nagi walks away from the skirmish.

The Powerdasher Jet sits perched atop a nearby skyscraper, awaiting some sort of enemy activity, but does not even see Corporal Jen Chase sneaking inside the cockpit of the Autobot. After having disabled and reprogrammed dozens of similar robots with the power to easily crush her in her place. The one nicknamed Pilot easily uses her high-tech suit, tech, and know-how to wipe out the operating system connection to the Transformer’s spark and take over the controls of the Powerdasher Jet. Pilot then takes off with a new ship and one less enemy to worry about.

In the same city, but hundreds of feet below, Michael “Tank” Ellis another member of the Captain Power Team has teamed up with the mutant Shiva. Tank decides that he will stick close to this guy until they find some more Rabble Rousers to team with, when Arcee comes racing onto the scene in her Cybertronian Race Car Form. The Rabble Rousers open fire on Arcee, who swiftly transforms into her robot form and returns fire. Tank is hit in the crossfire; but his attacks lend enough time for Shiva to prove that his metal body is made of even sterner stuff than that of the best chick Autobot (which of course puts her somewhere near the bottom when ranked with all if them). Shiva stands triumphant and alone as the skirmish comes to a close.

Deep in the jungle, Jedi Master Crutus Penari and his trusty sidekick Ewok #51 sneak through the humid brush until they are confronted by Duncan Idaho and Death Bringer. Duncan Idaho and Penari break into an acrobatic exercise in the perfection of fighting prowess, while Death Bringer easily puts an ax through the face of the Endor native. Penari swings his lightsaber busting yellow blade toward the head of Idaho, but the Ginaz Swordmaster ducks out of the way and then delivers a blade directly into the midsection of Crutus. Less than a mile away in the same jungle, Luuke Skywalker and his undead paparazzi Zombie #1 easily dispatch K’ Kruhk and Dar’ Nala.

Back in the city, Trioculous leads a squad of six Separatist Commandos into a small office building where the hired assassin Martin Blank and the vampire slayer Van Helsing have taken up residence. Blank sets up a boobie trap that takes out three of the Commandos, while Van Helsing and Trioculous engage in a pitched battle (#Becks FO Life). Trioculous manages to deliver a lightsaber into the gut of Helsing; but in turn leaves himself open to a .40 caliber bullet to the brain. Unfortunately Blank is not able to finish the skirmish as the last remaining Separatist Commando (I believe in the whole league) puts a laser blast between his eyes, making him the sole survivor of this encounter (#2).

Lady Votari leads her group of Sardakaur Terror Troops into a forest enclave, where her force sensitivity and their fighting prowess allow them to easily defeat Bishop and Stripe (only Sardakaur #25 & 28 do not make it out).

Melkor has set up a throne room not quite fit for an evil Lord of his stature; but a throne room nonetheless, deep in the forested region. His two protectors being the former guards of Skeletor himself. They are stumbled upon by the powerful trio of Sideways, Max Mercury, and their buddy Weasel (okay, maybe a powerful duo). The Speedster and the Transformer manage to take out both of Skeletor’s guards but Melkor unleashes a fury of evil incarnate that not even a Cybertronian can withstand, nor any speed force user outrun.

Davtokk and his six Naboo soldiers have commandeered a vessel in an attempt to gain a water power advantage, but before they can even board the ship Shockwave and Driller, joined by the mutant Domino ambushed them. Davtokk and his followers once they were focused were actually able to extinguish the spark of Driller; but Shockwave and Domino easily finished off the rest of them.

Back in the forest, the unlikely duo of Beorn and Gothmog, have ripped apart Whirl, Nightbeat, and Muzzle. But Glaurung and Gil-Gilad had some horrible luck against Hubcap, Outback, and Mirage.

The select members of The Valor: Varda, Aule, Lorien, and Tulkas manage to dissipate the sparks of Hardhead, Duros, Siren, and Quig, but their mighty yet failing power was unable to complete the task without sacrificing the lifeforce of Tulkas.

Ghanima Atreides and her grandmother, the Lady Jessica positioned deep into the desert were able to take out Quick Switch with their weirding ways; but they were not quite quick or powerful enough to take out two Transformers at once, as his partner Blue Streak was able to finish off the two Atreides noblewomen soon after Quick Switch was killed.

Duncan Idaho has managed to protect his Duke (Leto) from the massive amounts of blaster fire being distributed by Gears, Topspin, Twintwist, and Skids by hiding behind a thick jungle tree; but he knows that he can’t hold out forever. Idaho calls for back-up to an old locker room ally of his and is then granted support from a mini-squad led by Nightsister Sith Witch #19, consisting of Cybertronian Guardian #6 & 7, & Cock Sneak Goomba #9. The C.S. Goomba sneaks its last cock after being stomped on Gears; but the rest of the backup mixed with Duncan and Leto take out the Autobot foursome.

Duke Paulus pulls his ceremonial broad sword from its sheath to do away with the double team of both Sardakaur #11 & 12, all while he is stomping on Treasure Troll #26.

Tomoe Gozen, the only true female samurai, wanders the desert alone, and makes short work of Sand Trooper #10, on her way to bravely battling and then running through Yuzzem #15, despite the furry alien’s quick and vicious attacks.

In a rundown part of the city, Arachnid #1-10 rush in to attack, but they are met by Ethan Hunt, Gen. Thade, Cypher, Darth Fuzzy, and Darth Cocky. The five skilled Season 1 veterans manage to evade the laser fire and melee attacks of the super-intelligent oversized bugs and to battle back with superior fighting technique. Only Cypher is killed once the last Arachnid ceases breathing.

The remaining Real Men gather in an abandoned building in the heart of the Play-off Planet’s city (aren’t they all abandoned though??). While Duke Leto formulates a counter-offensive from all angles. The limited communication provides no opportunity for a true plan; but it does bring their superior numbers together for one final push. The Cybertronian laser defensive strategies and technology of the makeshift fort, almost instantly takes out Zombie #1, the over-sized Cybertronian Guardians, Nightsister Sith Witch #19, Separatist Commando #2, Sardakaur #26 & 28, and Shimmell; and the protective curse set out by Death Bringer proves too much for Lady Votari, Varda, Aule, and Lorien, causing them to expire into the great void as well.

With the initial damage done, the remaining Real Men come rushing out of the fortified building and the final leg of the battle begins. Duncan Idaho and Duncan Idaho square off with each other in holtzman shield combat and join each other in death after using the exact same moves and training. Death Bringer then brings some deaths to the over-confident and peach-fuzzed Darth Cocky and Darth Fuzzy, while The Australian sounding Autobot Outback and the outback acting Beorn join each other in death (but not before Beorn takes out Hubcap too).

Corporal Jen “Pilot” Chase takes one for the team by crashing her ship which was once the Powerdasher Jet into Gothmog in true kamikaze fashion to take out the balrog.

General Thade takes on both of the remaining Fremen at once and leaves no person remaining in the sietch with whom to share their water; and then uses his Dark Ring to cast a stunning attack of Blaze 3 to finish off Mirage. Luuke uses his superior lightsaber techniques to attack and destroy the spark of Blue Streak with pinpoint accuracy, while Ethan Hunt brings a streak of bad luck to Domino under the guise of repeated G-34 fire riddling her body after she took out the sword-wielding duo Paulus Atreides and Tomoe Gozen.

Shiva and Shockwave make a final run and combine fire to rip apart Battletrap and the Powerdasher Car; and then use the wreckage to crush the not-so-nice clone of Luke Skywalker, who was too busy evading the magical attacks of Death Bringer to notice the flying debris.

Duke Leto then orders his trio of Season 1 draft picks to form up and make their last defensive stand. Ethan Hunt: The TEAM Trainer, General Thade: The TEAM Tactician, and the Noble Born Leto Atreides stand prepared in defensive position as Death Bringer, Shiva, Shockwave, and Oroko Nagi make their final push; but before this sloped melee skirmish can come to fruition, Melkor slams his iron clad foot to the ground and channels a force of evil that is so powerful that it once controlled even the likes of Sauron the Deceiver. Hunt, Thade, and Leto all shield their eyes as the remaining Real Men melt into the nothingness that is true malice…..

“Look, Baby. All I’m sayin’ is that I don’t care if you are 100% Horse. Maybe we don’t need to make war today.” a smooth talking Centaur #1 says stroking the mane of the exquisite looking equine. “You have the most beautiful coat. What I wouldn’t give to-”

WACK!! Horse #26 suddenly gets an arrow to her head by Centaur #2 and dies instantly.

“Hey! I was just about to get those digits!” an angry Centaur #1 yells to his teammate.

“We have a battle to win.” says Centaur #2 being joined by the others. “Get over it.”

“GET IN MY BELLY!” Yells Fat Bastard running at the 6 Centaur. Scott Evil is charging with him along with the Secret Saturdays crew. Scott must have went back up to his bedroom before the match started because he has a gun and is able to shoot 4 of the Centaur before Doc Saturday dispatches of the other 2. Fat Bastard immediately begins to feast on just the horse half of the 6 centaur. They are suddenly rushed by a wave of Midgets, Velociraptors and Storm Troopers move in as backup arrives for the kitties. The Kitties Decepticons are stomping on Trolls and Dwarves while Ron Popeil has taken the Lightsabers off the fallen bodies of his comrades and is over to the side ripping parts off fallen robots and I am sure will have an invention for us soon.

Xenomorph #51 and Predator #47 are fighting even though they are on the same team. Josh Hutcherson yells at his teammates: “Isn’t there a movie that already figured out which one of you is better?”

Brachiosaurus #10 whips his long tail around killing the Dark Jedi Masters. Brass Dragon 7 circling overhead burns the head of the giant beast. He falls with a mighty thud and several members of each team are crushed under his massive weight.

Scott Pilgrim climbs on the back of Black Dragon #12 and they take to the sky torching everything. Other members from both teams follow his lead, for the Kitties, The Tropic Thunder Crew is sharing the back of Silver Dragon #16, Ron Popeil with his new invention is on the back of Copper Dragon #10 and Finn McCool on Purple Dragon #23.

On the ground, Sydney Savage, Natalie Kassie and the Danger Girl crew are ready to attack the Bene Gesserit Mothers for the Midgets. Thorin Oakenshield and his band of dwarves give them an unexpected party and ambush their ambush. Axes hit their mark with a satisfying crunch of bones and mist of red. Kili, Fili, Ori and Dwalin (aww, he was my favorite) as well as the Bene Gesserits are lost in the melee but so too are the Danger girl crew. Their celebration is short lived as the battle is fast paced.

Both teams fight in a dense forest and the little light is making it through the canopy of the trees, is being further diffused by the swarming dragons taking their fight to the air. Dragons from both teams take shot at each other and at the forest below without regard to team affiliation. Chaos in the sky.

The surface playoff planet suddenly moves. The planet is alive and without warning or prediction, the entire forest disappears and is replaced by an expansive desert. Two suns supply light to the playoff planet and both are scorching overhead. The cover of the forest is gone and in a panic, both teams charge toward one another in that genius way that soldiers in britain used to do war back in the 1700’s before drones and nukes existed. Sgt, Four Leaf is spraying imaginary bullets at the other dragons while Alpa Chino throws cans of Booty Sweat.

Ron Popeil on the back of his dragon is ready to unleash the “Wheel-O-Death 3000”. Using a windshield wiper motor from one of the Decepticons and 5 lightsabers, he turns on his invention and perishes immediately. The lightsabers were not secured properly to the invention and he and his dragon fall from the sky. The other lightsabers become projectiles of death and kill Green Dragon #27 and Brass Dragon #8.

The planet comes alive again and the temperature plummets to -20. Many of the still standing animals die including the last 2 Gold Dragons who fall to the ground. The Ice Bros from each team are loving it and start to have a snowball fight. In fact, everyone is now just throwing snow at each other. They are having so much fun when….

The planet turns into an endless sea and everyone is plunged into the depths of ice cold water.

Within a matter of seconds, the planet returns back to the forest form from which it started the match. Scott Pilgrim can only watch in amazement as every combatant on the ground has now vanished and is trapped inside the planet… somewhere.

He lands Black Dragon as Finn McCool and the Tropic Thunder Crew touchdown as well. “Did you people see that!?” exclaims Finn McCool in disbelief.

“What do you mean ‘You People’?” snaps back an annoyed Osiris.

“Can it.” Says Scott Pilgrim. “I hear something.”

Indeed a voice can be heard a few hundred yards away. The 7 remaining (human) members of the Kitties stalk through the trees to investigate. They see just the head of Abby Sciuto and her stupid black ponytails sticking out of the ground.

“Oh good. Help me please! I don’t know what happened! First I was treading water and then the water was gone!” a panicked Abby says.

Scott looks at Finn and asks, “You want to help her out or should I?”

Finn smiles, draws his sword and approaches the wiggling head of the last Midgets member.

In week 5, The Horsemen of Apokolips unleashed a firestorm of cosmic power on the FFL, and even they were unaware of the potentially disasterous consequences that would follow. In space, The Celestials silently compiled data to determine the fate of the Playoff Planet below. One by one, the "thumbs down" was given, and there came a day when Eternity itself decided to cut the cancer known as the Playoff Planet out of the universe.

Could Charles Barkley's Turrible Decisions save the beloved Playoff Planet, or have The Horsemen's own turrible decision doomed it? Will future playoff matches be held in a local bingo hall from now on? Find out after this "not as good as it could be" fight sequence!!!

Most of The Barkleys are stationed in the desert section of the planet, as there is little point in them occupying another section. Here, they are at their strongest, and they await The Horsemen's charge. Normally, The Horsemen engage the enemy on their own terms, but this is an exception. Their scout Private James F. Ryan has been captured, and they intend to save him. (Sounds like an awesome movie, someone should make that).

With little tact and zero subterfuge, The Horsemen run headlong into battle using their superior numbers to their advantage. The army of Starship Trooper Arachnids lead the charge, with Juggernaut-Colossus, Daken, War, Famine, Pestilence, Death, Ozymandius, Dalton, and Wade Garrett trailing slightly behind them. Green Lantern Ryan Poteracki and Dark Archangel stay where they are to survey their team's progress from a distance.

Green Lantern Ryan is lounging on a green light construct of a lawn chair, and is fanned by beings of light energy (Yes, of course they are shaped as hot chicks.) Dark Archangel, however, seems less than enthused about the course of action.

"Is this wise? There was reletively little discussion or forethought into our strategy" observes Dark Archangel.

GL Ryan laughs. "Duh, of course this is wise. We have an army of Arachnids between us and the enemy, and if they somehow get through them, we have some serious asskickers backing them up. And, if by some miracle they actually make it close to us, we got something for them" states GL Ryan as his ring sparks with emerald energy.

"We do not need to stay behind like cowards! We should be leading our team to victory!" suggests an increasingly annoyed Dark Archangel.

"Ha! Good one! This match is 5 deaths a piece, and I'm in no mood to head to the Graveyard just yet. Plus, honestly, you're the man Warren! One of my favorites, but unfortunately, we never get a chance to hang out. So... how are the kids?" asks GL Ryan.

Dark Archangel grabs GL Ryan by the throat. "Warren is no longer my name. I am Apocalypse, and I tire of your foolishness. Only the fittest shall survive my wrath" vows Dark Archangel as he flies off to join the fight.

"Whatta d*ck" comments GL Ryan to himself as he dusts himself off. He remakes his relaxing constructs, and continues to watch the melee from a distance.

The Horsemen's Arachnids are the perfect storm troopers, and easily overwhelm The Barkley's first line of defense, Golden Army #31-36. This includes the always polarizing Golden Army soldier #34, Inge-bot. They have losses, but they are minimal as move on to attack Nexu #2, Marine #70-78, Skeleton #1-6, and Ewok Child #2-5.

Dalton and Wade Garrett are using their Roadhouse skills to kick Super Cyborg Charles Barkley and Super Cyborg Michael Jordan into scrap metal, although to be fair, Barkley and Jordan had bet on their opponents to win. War's ax, Daken's claws, and Jugger-lossus' power easily make short work of Stargirl, S.T.R.I.P.E., Squeeze Play, and Lokas. Barkley's Dune Titans Ajax and Barbarossa are gaining some momentum, and have crushed Ozymandius, Pestilence, Famine, and some Arachnids. An arriving Dark Archagel takes offense at the killing of his personal horsemen, and quickly smashes the Titans' brain containers with his metallic wings. The now lifeless husks are torn asunder by the ravenous Arachnids that still swarm the area. Only one Barkley is left standing after this skirmish: Balrog #1. The LoTR beast is not going down easily, and his flaming whip engulfs Dalton, Wade Garrett, Daken, and a few Arachnids in an inferno. Jugger-lossus marches through the fire, and laughs before his devastating punch relieves the Balrog of it's head. With the sector seemingly clear, The Horsemen survey the area, tryting to find their lost scout Private James Ryan. They find the last of Mrs. Ryan's boys not far from the battle, and his discovery leads to an uncharacteristic display of emotion and comraderie from the team.

GL Ryan looks through a pair of light constructed binoculars, and is disgusted by the scene. "Ugh, f*ckin pussies" he mutters to himself. "Whatever, a win is a win." he reasons as he continues to relax. Soon, his emerald energy chair begins to dematerialize.

"No man escapes The Manhunters" say Manhunter #4, #5, and #6 in unison. They drain the power from GL Ryan's power ring, and the rest of his creations dissipate. This includes the fanning women, which really has GL Ryan steamed.

"No! Not the babes! It took me all day to perfect that kind of hotness! Now I'm pissed." GL Ryan says. The Manhunters ignore him and continue to fly in for the kill.

"It would be a real shame if a certain Roster Wizard decided to add you guys to the death list for the week, wouldn't it?" threatens GL Ryan.

The Manhunters disappear into thin air as a fudged death list becomes reality. GL Ryan sees his team in the distance still celebrating the saving of Private Ryan, and decides to walk over and get their asses in gear. He doesn't take many steps before he feels a tremor beneath the sand. A puzzled GL Ryan takes out his phone to look over the Barkley's roster and see if there is anything he has missed. His eyes widen in disbelief as he realizes a fatal mistake. "IT'S A TRAP!!!" yells GL Ryan Ackbarishly, but he is still too far away for his teammates to hear him.

The Barkley's Sandworms of Saturn #2 and #5 erupt from beneath the sand and consume many stunned Horsemen easily. They corral the survivors of the attack in between them, and the 4 Red and 6 Blue Dragons of The Barkley's swoop in from high above to provide air support. Their breath weapons of fire and lightning are devastating to the concentrated Horsemen, and all are not long for this world. Luckily for The Horsemen, the disease inducing aura of Death gave the Sandworms and assorted Dragons GonoSyphaHerpeAIDS, so they eventually die a painful death. The desert action has ended, as no one remains on the battlefield, save GL Ryan Poteracki. He views the carnage, and regrets underrating The Barkley's strategy.

"This is all your fault!" screams GL Ryan at his still drained power ring.

We head back to space, where nothing has changed. Eternity and the gathered Celestials are still floating above the Playoff Planet, seemingly actionless. In reality, they are disassembling the planet molecule by molecule, which, naturally, is taking forever. They do this as to not disrupt the galaxy around them too suddenly, and frankly, when you're immortal, you have time to do things the right way. Unfortunately, it is as boring as it gets, so what say we head back to the surface of the planet, and check in on a ragtag group of Barkley's Heroes.

Peter Petrelli, Sylar, Hiro, Claire Bennett, Matt Parkman and The Haitian are gathered on a peaceful plain, while Captain Universe meditates to divine any kind of plan to stop the Celestials and Eternity. He uses the Enigma Force to synch with the will of the universe. And the Heroes continue to wait.

"I should take his power for myself. I will finish this alone!" boasts Sylar.

"No. He said he doesn't understand why, but this is a team effort. All of us are needed, including you. Now he just has to figure out how we pull this off" says the even tempered Peter Petrelli. The Haitian, Matt Parkman, Hiro, and Claire Bennett agree.

Captain Universe extends the power of the Enigma Force outward, sharing his unlimited power with the Heroes. They fly to the outreaches of space and confront The Celestials. The unpredictable energy is erasing The Celestials from existence one by one, until Eternity itself loses conciousness.

"That's quite the story. To bad you fell asleep while meditating. The planet's plains section can be quite tranquil this time of year" observes The Horsemen's Yellow Lantern Freddy Kreuger. In the land of dreams, even Captain Universe is just another victim to YL Freddy, and his hand blades prove it by eviserating the Captain.

"Thank you" coughs a downed Captain Universe. "I knew I was not to be the champion this day, but you have insured that the real Captain would be chosen to right the universe. You may have mastery of the dreamscape, but the Enigma Force can at least keep you here with me until the end. You must know what happens to you when you die in a dream, don't you?" explains Captain Universe with a bloody smile.

YL Freddy desperately attempts to find any way out of his predictament, but soon the lights go out for both combatants.

The Enigma Force quickly scans the remaining Barkleys to select it's new bearer. Peter Petrelli is deemed worthy, and feels his cosmic senses expanding. He hears the universe itself whisper the divine plan to him, and he follows his new insticts. The lifeforces and the subsequent powers of his Heroes comrads are added to him by the Enigma Force, and he flies through the atmospere and into space to confront Eternity itself.

Peter speaks to Eternity in a language reserved for only the highest of cosmic beings.

"Listen carefully to my words, Eternity. I have the universe itself on my side, and it is telling me that The Celestials decision on The Playoff Planet is wrong. It may seem wise and prudent to destroy the planet. We are all aware of the destruction that occurs here, and it is very much a tumor on the wellbeing of our reality. But the tumor is benign. All of the nonsense and insanity is confined to one place for now, and if it is destroyed, who knows what havoc The FFL could unleash on the cosmos? What part of the universe will be tainted and contaminated next? Anywhere will be free game to them, and that will be far more dangerous to the universal balance, and also yourself. The Celestials knew this, and their actions would have eventually destroyed you, allowing them to become the new Eternity. Listen to the cosmic wind, and know I speak the truth" explains Peter Petrelli.

Eternity considers the facts and agrees with the bearer of the Enigma Force. He is displeased with the self serving judgement of The Celestials, and determines that they are the true danger to universal balance. They are destroyed with a thought, and Eternity leaves the Playoff Planet in peace.

Peter Petrelli and the combined might of the other Heroes has righted a cosmic mistake, and all is balanced again. There is no longer a need for The Enigma Force to occupy his body, so it leaves him, and will find it's next champion when the universe is again desperate for a savior. As Peter returns to normal, the vacuum of space quickly kills him. No one ever said being a Hero, even one on a scale like this, was rewarding.

“And the planets of the universe,
Go their way;
Not astounded by the sun or the moon,
Or by the day;
You and I will simply disappear,
Out of sight;
Well but I'm afraid soon there'll be,
No light.”“Planets of the
Universe,” Stevie Nicks

I look upon the teams which will do battle in this Season 8, Week 5
Match located on the Playoff Planet.They are as follows:

Paul Atreides stands before Atreides
Soldiers 11-15.Atreides scoops a cup of
sand in his right hand.The bottom of
his palm opens and the grains begin to fall.

Atreides: These are the grains of
sand beneath our feet!These are the
grains of sand of our battlefield.These.Are.The.Grains.Of.Sand.Of.Our.Desert!!!

Atreides raises his left arm and
his soldiers follow, crysknives in hand.Sand Troopers 1-5 take aim at the Dune inhabitants.

Sand Trooper 1 (laughs):Who brings knives to a blaster fight?

Atreideis Soldiers 11 and 14 are killed
instantly.Atreides Soldiers 12, 13 and
15 throw their crysknives at the Sand Troopers.The crysknives split the armor of their targets and Sand Troopers 1, 2
and 3 drop, mortally wounded.As Sand
Troopers 4-5 are about to shoot the remaining Atreides Soldiers, they are
swallowed by the sands beneath their feet. A horrendous belch is heard.

Duncan Idaho Ghola 12 is
surrounded by Sardakurs 13 and 50-57.Ghola rushes Atreides and the two battle one another while the Sardakurs
dispel with Atreides Soldiers 12, 13 and 15, only losing Sardakur 13 in the
skirmish.Ghola manages to cut Atreides,
but the Mahdi eventually kills the Tleilaxu bred warrior. Just as the Sardakurs
surround Atreides, Sandworm 8 bursts forth from the sand, Sand Trooper armor
brandishing its gullet.Sandworm 8
swallows Sardakurs 50-57.Paul Atreides
smiles and stands with his beast.

Gungan Soldier 14:Meesa brrothersss and sisterrrss!!!Wesah swimmmm to victoree, or enter the
Graaaveyard!!!

The Gungans swarm the Highness
crew.Blood filters through the water as
the Gungans strike often and repeatedly.Sea Urchin is miraculously stripped of his power suit and drowns.The homo mermanus, Orka, is the next to
succumb to the sheer numbers of the water Commandoes. The remnant Deep 6ers, in
reality, is just too strong for the Gungans.All of the common Naboo soldiers are eventually killed, but taking in
death with them, Naga.

Attuma: To land.

Pirahna and Tiger Shark follow
their leader toward the shore.

City. . .

The Rhino careens to a halt as he
is webbed by both Spider Gwen and Spider Girl.Skeletor’s Crack Troops 7-12 burst from a building and begin to fire
their weapons at the Spiderverse characters.Using their spider senses, both Spider Gwen and Spider Girl easily dodge
the firings.The two women use their
webbing and strength to dislodge a large billboard of J. Jonah Jameson.The monstrous structure falls to the ground,
crushing all of the Crack Troops.While the
duo search the robotic carnage under the billboard, the two fail to notice
Rhino escaping and then running down the street to gather additional forces.

Doozer 3 meets Doozer 9.The two fight to an embittered
standstill.Both are bloodied and
covered with sand as two blue behemoths lumber to the scene.Blue Dragons 13 and 14 open their gaping maws
and dispense waves of lightning at the two three inch characters.They are both incinerated.Mumm-Ra’s Mutt races toward the dragons,
loudly barking.The brutish canine is
burnt to a crisp.Seeing his pet
destroyed, the Thundercats’ nemesis calls upon the mystical arts and uses his
own form of electrokinesis.Mumm-Ra’s
power shred both Blue Dragons 13 and 14.Mumm-Ra kneels before his pet and becomes enraged.Mumm-Ra’s eyes glow with venom.

While holding his special staff
in his left hand, Eggplant Wizard launches his magical attack on
Vindicator.Vindicator’s suit takes the
brunt of the burst and throws her into the mountainous terrain.While focused on Vindicator, Molecule Man swirls
his hands and creates an energy beam launched at the Eggplant Wizard.The Eggplant Wizard explodes.Meanwhile, Pyro sends a burst of flames at
Clairy Fray, who avoids the fires and pulls her drawstring, launching an arrow
straight through the eye and brain of Pyro.Molecule Man pushes a force field around Fray and tightens it, sucking
the oxygen from her lungs, killing the Mortal Instruments’ character.Molecule Man then takes on the
Insecticons.Although the villain
manages to destroy Barrage and Chop Shop, Ransack and Venom take advantage of
the numbers and destroy the man.Vindicator
joins her teammates after shaking off the effects of the skirmish.

Lex Luthor stands in his battle
armor, facing imminent doom.The
Buffyverse trio, Jonathan Levinson, Warren Mears and Andrew Wells has lured the
super-villain from his stronghold into the streets.Having matched the mind of Luthor, the three
have concocted a dastardly deed to dispel Luthor from the fight.Mears presses a button and dance music
emanates from loudspeakers which are strewn across the area.The music plays from the stanza.

Luthor looks in dismay as his suit is being taken over
and practically shut down by the superior minds of Levinson, Mears and
Wells.Luthor begins dancing to the
music.He screams and manages to temporarily
take control of his suit, blasting Gunther and Tinka Hessenheffer.Luthor then uses a sonic boom to kill Flynn
Jones, Ty Blue and Deuce Martinez. CeCe
and Rocky spring toward Luthor and smile.

CeCe:This fiery
red-head is gonna take you down Luthor.

Rocky:Down to the
ground Lexy!!!

Although Luthor tries to blast the duo, he is unable to
do so.The Buffy trio is in complete
control of the armor.Luthor
disintegrates himself.

Dj set it off!
Take it up a notch
All together now!
Shake it up!
Shake it up!

CeCe and Rocky walk toward Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.The four are then joined by the eggheads.

Fox Mulder:Not pretty, but good work guys.You remind me of the Lone Gunmen.

Dana Scully: Only smarter.

Forest. . .

Once again, the adage of size
matters carries weight in the battle held in the Forest Region of the Playoff
Planet.Barry Allen races across the
wooded land, focusing on Mansquito.The
Flash manages to kill Mansquito, but fails to notice Ewok Child 9 and
unfortunately trips over the Endor inhabitant, breaking its furry neck.The Secret Circle coven holds the Flash in
place with their witchcraft while Esme Cullen, Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale and
Rosalie Hale leap upon Allen and tear him apart, bathing in his blood.T-X comes to the scene and her mimetic polyalloy
coating comes to life, skewering the hearts of both Cullens and Hales.The
T-3 terminator then battles its T-X counterpart.The two battle to a standstill until the Blue
Marvel comes to the scene and destroys the T-3 Terminator with his anti-matter
manipulation powers.Space Jockey flies
to the scene and immediately is killed by Blue Marvel.

Plains. . .

Baby Nightcrawler bamfs next to
Apocalypse and smacks the mutant in the face.Apocalypse catches the small blue hero by the throat and breaks his neck
in one small twist of his hand.Meanwhile,
Ronan the Accuser battles the Original Human Torch.The two smash each other repeatedly, but the
Kree is eventually too much for the hero.The Original Human Torch’s flames are snuffed out and his life follows.Reapers 1-6 join the Herculoids Zok, Igoo,
Tundro, Gloop and Gleep. Although, once again, the numbers are on the Commandos
side, this time it is for naught as both Ronan and Apocalypse easily dispatch
with the Reapers and Herculoids.

Whizzy the Supercat and Batzarro
spring upon both Pirahna and Tiger Shark.Although the Deep 6 members manage to fight against the two, they are
eventually killed due to the sheer power of the Commando duo.Attuma comes to the aid of his now dead
brethren and destroys Batzarro, slicing the twisted doppleganger with his heat
axe. The Secret Circle faces Mumm-Ra.The coven’s combined powers are immense, but still not enough to defeat
the undead mystic.The entire Secret
Circle is ripped apart by the magical abilities of a superior foe.Spider
Gwen and Spider Girl finish off the Rhino for good during this encounter, but
are ripped apart by the Insecticons, Joan Jett and Vindicator.

The Elders of the Universe, with
the other powerhouses are bombarded by the combined ring abilities of the
Commandos.Miraculously, the Royal
Highness team is losing the ultimate campaign due to an onslaught of ring
weaponry.The Grandmaster, the
Collector, the Gardener, the Possessor, Apocalypse, Ronan the Accuser and the
Blue Marvel, all unfathomable power houses, are actually losing the battle to
the remaining Commandos.

The Death Star floats into view above
the Playoff Planet. Q2 surveys the final battle situation and calculates the
ultimate outcome.There is no other
option.Q2 commences the firing of the battle
station’s weapon.

All inhabitants fighting on the
Playoff Planet look to the sky.

Rocky holds CeCe and the two
embrace.They kiss, their tongues
exploring each other’s mouths.

Sith Lord #19, once the apprentice to Darth Barren, he has now become the master as his powers have exceeded that of so many Sith Lords before him. Marooned on an island in the center of the Play-off Planet Sea, Darth Vegetariano has used his mastery of the dark side to take control of the minds of his entire team, as well as taking control of The Green Mantle after it was rejected by the so-called “El Blanco” whom the The Empire owner attempted to give it to. El Blanco, the albino tremor monster, didn’t really know what to do with the all-powerful green mantle (other than eat it). Not to question the owner’s play here. I mean who wouldn’t play a 9 death unique tremor with an item it couldn’t possibly use in a 5 death week, when it just happens to be the week before a 2 death match in the desert?? That’s almost as cool as somebody killing off their last two sandworms in the big week as fillers (#Sith Aids).

Darth Vegetariano, in all his force-laden power, not only easily has the will power to wield the Green Mantle; but has such immense will to mold the power of the mantle into working for his own twisted will. For perspective, what could possibly take more willpower than to willingly decide that you are going to single out the tastiest thing in any person’s diet and then not eat it. For one to disregard the natural and righteous right of any human to eat and enjoy the flesh of lesser forms of life demonstrates a level of willpower that more than just verges on a masochistic need toward ones own well-being. The only thing more difficult than that would be to include in your swearing off of meat: alcohol, smoking, caffeine, and chocolate…….. I mean… WHY, ……WHY GOD WHY????

But I digress…

Dark Beast has worked tirelessly to create a plan to attack Vegetable Island as The Sleeping Pussies have come to call it; but it will still prove most difficult as The Sith Lord, despite not having quite as much firepower as his opponents has fortified their position far too well. His team is prepared for any form of attack as they wait steadfast;…. And hungry. Steadfast but very very hungry. I mean vegetables and fruit are okay; but when you have a battle to fight it sure would be nice to have some meat to stick to your bones, I mean that is muscle food. Brain food, it’s just simply the stuff your body craves. I mean, it’s meat. Meat is what it is all about. Meat is what’s for dinner. Meat is the original white meat. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?? Riddle me that one Batman?? I mean just a Slim Jim or something would do the trick. It would just be………. I’m doing it again aren’t I? Sorry. Back to the match…

The point of Vegetable Island is extremely precise; so Dark Beast no matter how closely he calculated, could not trust the teleportation abilities of any of his dark-powered teammates to get his squad there without risking high casualties before the match even started. So, they instead knock down a building from the abandoned city area of the planet and have the team climb on the platform and hold on. Bizarro Superman then lifts up the brick wall turned platform and flies in towards the fortified island at breakneck speed (it didn’t break anybody’s neck though because they are strong and well-nourished with lots of meat). Dark Beast’s plan may not seem like much at this point; but part of Dark Beast’s dark plan involved the saving of some of Team Sleeping Pussy’s top fighters from this 5-Mega-Death-Extravaganza. So despite how it may handcuff the team for this match Dark Beast thought that it was important to shield some of the better fighters for the future (he of course included himself in this batch as well). Which means that Bizarro Superman and Korvac both popped into the match for only a matter of moments to wipe out some obligatory commons before retreating towards the seemingly empty desert area. Bizarro uses a hefty dose of heat breath to wipe out all seven Gondor Soldiers, the three “WAY” smart Arachnids that were just like Heinlein intended and not tainted by the ideas of that dumb movie (not that it kept them alive any longer). The powerful bizarre Kryptonian whom I am really not in the mood to write any dialogue for also laid to waste Darth Vegetariano’s first line of defense The Cybertronian Guardian #8 by rocketing through the center of the extra large Omega Supreme rip-off before retreating away as Dark Beast intended. Korvac refuses to be outdone by his stone-faced dolt of a teammate and goes all super-powerie-explosive-bad-guy on The Empire’s elephants, Kobalds, Dementors, and Acklay before he grabs a hold of Dark Beast and joins Bizarro Superman in the desert. Baron Mordo is scheduled to join the retreat as well and casts a good dose of bad magic on Jedi Master #40, which takes out his homeboy Rohirim #1 as well.

With the retreat of The Power-Pussies, all hell breaks loose with the full-frontal attack on The Empire. Darth Vegetariano, from within his makeshift throne room begins sending out his squad in waves to defend Vegetable Island.

The Copper Dragons fly out first and swarm Red Dragon #23. The larger red dragon manages to take out Copper Dragon #3 & 4 before the rest of them rip it apart. But The Queen and her Brood leap all over the four remaining Copper and 2 Bronze Dragons that have come out from around the small palace to lend them a hand. Only the Queen and #2 are left alive once the last dragon is killed. The two of them are killed by Xenomorph #54, because well let’s face it, there’s nothing like the real thing.

Devil Dinosaur catches a yellow energy infused sword to the brain from Duncan Idaho, and so does La Femme Nikita; but not before she falls madly in love with the studly embodiment of Atreides honor. Capt. Guts then avenges his teammates with a perfectly placed, deadly kick to the chest of Idaho.

Zombie Nightmare then wipes out 8-Ball and his crew with some dead and scary stuff; but Darth Vegetariano’s former master and now apprentice Lord Barren takes out the Zombie Freddy Krueger rip-off with a Force Whirlwind (shout out Super Shadow).

Batteldae puts a goalie-stickerang into the dome of Shi’Ar Warrior #7, but then gets his neck broken by Savage Dragon, on his way to kicking the head off of Xenomorph #54. Jigsaw then chooses Jiggly Puff who does his jiggle err whatever attack on Savage Dragon to finish him off.

With the help and guidance of Kenobi’s spirit, Princess Leia leads the group of Jedi Knights they decapitate Cordelia Chase, and take out the two Watchdogs on their way to battling The Riik, whom they are able to take out but the Jedis are caught from behind by the laser and energy blasts of Webstor and Roboto. Dr. Strange is able to show up and save Leia as he wiped out both of her attackers before being caught in the proton containment blast from Forest Gump and then finished off by a blaster shot from the best GODDAMN SOLDIER ON THE TEAM.

Back in the desert….

Dark Beast and his “Too good for the battle trio” are about to start on the six pack of Miller Lite that the mutant smuggled in to celebrate with, when they realize that it was not the entire Empire Squad that was transported to Vegetable island. El Blanco and Krayt Dragon #4 burst out of the sand and begin fiercely attacking. El Blanco swallows Baron Mordo into the ground with ease before he consumes him. El Blanco, who is plenty powerful is managing to do this without the green mantle that his owner attempted to give to the albino tremor. I mean, not to criticize the owner of The Empire or anything. I mean, it was a great play. Not to mention playing this 9 death unique tremor in a 5 death week. Oh wait I’m not only mentioning it now, but I did already (my bad). It’s not like we have a 2 death desert week coming up or anything….. El Blanco gets ripped apart by Korvac’s cosmic mightiness. Dark Beast then diverts the attention of The Krayt Dragon to lure him out of the sand; so Bizarro can use his freeze vision to destroy the hot weather predator.

Mike Huckabee then uses his green lantern ring mixed with the power of JESUS to finish off the undead Mephisto, while Speed Demon and Mole Man combine their skills and FFL given weaponry to take out Binary and Roy Batty who was flying around like a lunatic in his Mandalorian suit.

4-Lom and Zuckuss pop out from cover and go nuts with their blaster rifles; taking out Capt. Guts, Ka-Zar, Zabu, Lizard, and Black Lightning; but they are then sniped off by The Lone Wolf.

Darth Vegetariano himself leads the final charge, with his whole team following close behind. They mow through the remaining Xenomorphs, the Sardakaurs on horseback, Storm Trooper #50, the very smart looking Alexander Luthor and his very smart creature Bubastis (Bubastis hangs out with Luthor when Ozymandias isn’t around), MODOK, and D’ Spayre.

The Lone Wolf from atop his perched vantage point screams “THAT’S IT”, as he reaches into his pocket and activates Ultron. Ultron boots up and comes out guns blazing, while The Lone Wolf provides cover for the super-advanced robot. The two of them easily take out Speed Demon, Mole Man, Jigsaw & Jiggly Puff, Black Condor, Mechaneck, Forest Gump, Christopher Robin, and Doogal, before The Huckster uses all of the money he made from Fox News for the last 4 years and won’t be needing for a presidential run to use bring in a fly by from every U.N. ignored mercenary group operating on the planet to wipe out both Ultron and his Norrisized partner. Princess Leia then chops off the Huckamaniac at the neck on her way to battling the two remaining Sith Lords.

Vegetariano and Barren double team her from both sides (ha) but she quickly takes out Barren with a lightsaber stab to the heart. Vegetariano then takes her off guard while she is pulling her saber from Lord Barren. Leia swings with her saber with all her might to remove the head of Darth Vegetariano, but he manages to slide his celery-smelling red lightsaber into her chest just before his head falls from his body.

As Leia lay on the ground gasping for her last breath, she see the face of Old Ben: her brother’s old master, who sacrifices the rest of his force power to save her life…….

The Delta Force team led by Major “Dutch” Schaefer is teleported to the scorched earth that was once the Playoff Planet. There is still a smoldering haze in the air. They collectively scan the area for their opponents.

“Jesus, look at this place. It’s a wasteland,” comments Poncho.

“Doesn’t matter,” replies Dillon. “Keep moving soldier.”

“Don’t matter ta me. Just find me some scum to put in the ground,” retorts Blain Cooper as he spits a stream of thick gooey tobacco juice from his mouth. “Ol Painless here is itching to get to work,” he says as he pets his M134 Minigun.

A team of Scout Troopers begin firing on the Delta Force squad. The crew scatters behind some rubble. They then quickly find themselves surrounded by the Scout Troopers as well as a squadron of Mobile Infantry soldiers from the realm of Starship Troopers.

“Aw the hell with this,” Blain says as he steps out into the open and unleashes “Ol Painless” on his attackers.

The rest of the team work in unison with incredible tactical accuracy and mow down all sixteen of their assailants.

“Hold your fire!” shouts Dutch. “Ammo check.”

“Hang on, one’s getting away,” shouts Dillon.

“I got him,” says Rick Hawkins as he lines up his shot and picks off the lone Sandtrooper Officer that was trying escape.

“Alright, let’s move.” Orders Dutch as they head towards what was once the city.

“….Neighbor, State Farm is there”

VVVVWWOOOMMMMPPPP.

“What the hell are you guys doing?!?! You aren’t in this battle!” shouts the State Farm Agent.

“What are you talking about?! We’re already making some headway for our team!” argues Dutch.

“Doesn’t matter Dutch. Our GM didn’t start you guys. Now get back to the locker room so our team can finish what you started!” orders the State Farm Agent.

“Well ain’t this some shit,” grumbles Blain Cooper.

The Delta Force squad is teleported back to their locker room while the lineup that the General Manager of the Sith House of AIDS started arrives on the Playoff Planet.

“Heh, buncha commons. Well this will be quick,” says Wolverine as the rest of the George Washington’s Slaves show up.

In what can only be described as a hurricane of blood and savagery, the Slaves quickly and viciously dispatch every last common that was sent their way. While the Sandworms were able to devour the Ancient Sith Lords, Avian #2 and the lone Battle Droid from the Slaves, even they could not fend off the ferocious attack from the rest of the Slaves.

Once the dust has settled, the Slaves do find amongst the carnage one more of their own that has fallen in combat. Timmell no longer will be able to fill their locker room with glorious song.

*Watcher’s Note: This is what happens when you send your team in late and I have put together a much better line up for you AND had already begun writing it, but instead, you send me a line up LATE, comprised completely of commons and reeks of pussing out.*

Zombie Robert Hudson is beheaded,
lying at the feet of Samurai Warrior Josh Houslander, who looks obnoxiously
weak in his faux clothing, no matter how hard he tries for it not to be so. Before he draws his kitana in a menacing way,
Velociraptors 21, 22 and 23 rip him apart and feast on the man’s flesh.The dinosaur pack does not notice Spiderman
and Aunt May careening down the street, with Wolverine hanging onto the
vehicle’s bar.The buggy crashes into
Raptor 23, killing the beast, while 21 and 22 and instantaneously skewered by
Wolverine’s unsheathed claws on both hands.

Rankling Road. . .

Vampire Al Dogg looks to the sky
and sees Teri Hatcher flying with her Star Sapphire ring.VAD smiles at the once-hot-but-currently-not-so-much
actress.

VAD: Hey man!You still be lookin’ fine for an ancient
b@$ch!

Hatcher’s ring constructs a large
scissors which cuts a large billboard of its mount.She attempts to drop it on VAD, but is foiled
by Kol Skywalker’s green lantern ring.The Jedi from the Skywalker lineage easily dispels with the Desperate
Housewife.

VAD: Thanks, dude!I owe you one!

Umbrage Boulevard. . .

Stormtroopers 72-74 exchange fire with Army
Soldiers 101-110.Due to the advancement
of the Empire’s weaponry, Army Soldiers 102 (ST 72), 104 (ST 73) and 107 (ST
74) are killed almost instantly.The
remaining soldiers focus their fire on Stormtrooper 72.Stormtrooper 72’s body is riddled by bullets
and Army Soldier 101 is recognized as having the final kill shot.Smurf 3 saunters under the motor vehicles
which align the street curbs and manages to distract the remaining Army
Soldiers, 101, 103, 105-110.Stormtroopers
73 and 74 take advantage of Smurf 3’s antics and kill all remaining Army Soldiers.Smurf
3 races over to his team, but before he is able to reach them, is hit by Wasp with
a bio electric energy blast, instantly scorching his blue body.Smurf 3’s blackened body twitches and he
dies.While the Stormtroopers watch
their diminutive teammate die, they are set upon by Venom - Flash Thompson, who
kills them with both his symbiotic appendages and man-made weaponry.

Chagrin
Courtyard. . .

Bill Murray walks slowly within the concrete circle.He notices Brock Lesnar in front of him,
smiles and raises his hands.

Bill Murray: You got me, friend.

Brock Lesnar: Eat!Sleep!Break the Streak!

Murray:
Whatever you say, guy.It’s all good.

As Lesnar charges Murray, the actor ducks down and Quick Kick jumps over Murray to enter the
fray.Although somewhat larger than the Real
American Hero, Quick Kick still manages to cut Lesnar down with his martial art
expertise.Nonetheless, Quick Kick then
faces off against Sonny Chiba, who bests the G.I. Joe with his red lightsaber
and karate skills.

Fury Avenue. . .

CLU and Castor ride their Tron
cycles down the spacious avenue.Unfortunately, they do not have the proper control of their vehicles since
they are not in the Tron World, but the duo manage as best they can.Nazgul 9 faces off against the two Slaves.Just as Nazgul 9 is about to unleash the fury
of his sword, the Mordor horse’s head is sliced off by two Tron discs thrown by
Rinzler.Nazgul 9 is thrown from his
steed, but lands safely by utilizing his indigo lantern ring.Nazgul 9 flies toward Rinzler and the
enforcer is struck down by the wraith’s sword.

Ire Road. . .

Metroids 19 and 20 float down the
road and are met by Nightbrothers 1-6.Although the Metroids manage to succumb Nightbrothers 2 and 5, the
remaining Nightbrothers destroy both Metroid 19 and Metroid 20, leaving
space-faring jellyfish remnants across the street. The Nightbrothers’ victory
is short lived as a barrage of weaponry fire not only disperses, but decimates
the Star Wars characters.Sgt. Marcus
Fenix, Dominic Santiago, Augustus “Cole Train” Cole and Damon Baird have arrived.Nightbrother 1 is killed by Fenix, 3 by
Baird, 4 by Santiago and 6 by Cole.Age
of Apocalypse Weapon X and Cyclops, as well as Toad and X-23 storm the Gears of
War crew.Toad’s prehensile tongue lashes onto Baird,
who is then thrown to Weapon X and sliced apart.Cole is blasted by Cyclops and is decimated
before he can fire a shot.X-23
unleashes on Santiago and is killed in a matter of minutes.Fenix manages to blast Toad, sending him to
the Graveyard, but succumbs to the double skewering by both AoA Weapon X and
X-23.

Indignation Alley. . .

The NCIS team, being Gibbs,
Dinozzo, Magee, Ziva David, Kate, Mike Franks, Ducky and Abby scan and study
the trash cans and bags located throughout the area for clues as to the origin
of the frost covered items.

Gibbs: What do you think Ducky?

Ducky:The frost appears to be affiliated with a
living entity.

Abby: Entities!!!

Dinozzo:Look to the sky!!!

David: Get down!!!

The frost emanated from Silver
Dragons 8-14, as has been discovered by the humans.Although they rush for cover within the bins
and garbage, they are all unsuccessful as they are sprayed by a paralyzing gas.The dragons engulf the entire crew, each
belching as the NCIS member slides down their respective gullets – Gibbs by SD
9, Dinozzo by SD 13, Magee by SD 8, Ziva David by SD 11, Kate and Abby by SD
14, Mike Franks by SD 10 and Ducky by SD 12.

Acerbity Avenue. . .

Blurr and Thunderclash stand
together with Prowlmus Prime against a lone Wheelie.The giant robots battle, but the single
Midget is not match for the might of the trio and is destroyed, with Prowl
delivering the final blow.Magneto steps
from behind the dismantled Wheelie.

Magneto:No.

Magneto strains, using his powers
of magnetism to dismantle and rip apart both Blurr and Thunderclash.Prowlmus Prime rushes away and manages to
escape.

Prowlmus:I will be back, Magneto!

Umbrage Road. . .

Widdle Waddle crouches ready to
fight with his Magnoguard electrostaff.Both Razin Rabbit and King Randor stand alongside Waddle.They face Gem, Simon Phoenix, John Rambo and Scorpion.Gem is immediately electrocuted as Waddle
launches at the painted singer and shoves the entire stick in an unmentionable
area.Rambo’s rippling muscles ignite as
the bullets of his machine gun shred Waddle apart.To be sure of Waddle’s death, Scorpion uses
his lightsaber to cut off Waddle’s head and then cauterizes the neck with his
heat axe.King Randor using his sword,
with the assistance of Hare Razin Rabbit manages to overcome and kill
Scorpion.Simon Phoenix launches his
Flash rocket launcher, disintegrating both Randor the Rabbit.Phoenix cackles and smiles at Rambo.

Ire Avenue. . .

Cole and Gnarkk face Hiih Ressar,
Jeer Dexton and the child Duncan Idaho.The skirmish between the forces does not last
long as Jeer Dexton uses his Dark Jedi powers to destroy Cole.Gnarkk focuses on Ressar and Idaho and his
caveman brutality overcomes the Dune dwellers.Although powerful, the Gnarkk is still no match for Dexton who slices
the Titan in half.

Before the skirmish can begin
Eclipso and Bizarro Mr. Mxyzpltyk dispel with the entire band of Silver Dragons
8-14, through a combination of space wizardry and energy blasts. Vampire Al
Dogg races at Bill Murray and manages to sink his teeth deeply in the neck of
the comedian.

VAD: You taste yummy bud!

Although mortally wounded, Murray
smiles as he sees AoA Weapon X skewer VAD through the heart, which then bursts
into a pile of dust.

CLU and Castor are blown off
their bikes by the optic blast of AoA Cyclops, who is then cut down
respectively by X-23 and Venom.The carnage continues as both Kol Skywalker
and Shado Vao are killed by Pythona, Dexton and Viszla. Viszla falls soon after to Kryptonian Army
Soldier 1.Nazgul 9 obtains his final revenge against
Rinzler before being destroyed by the Trickster god Loki.The combined weaponry and dexterity of Phoenix,
Rambo and Chiba take out Pythona, notwithstanding her use of two lightsabers.In the
end though, Rambo is killed by AoA Weapon X, who then falls to the original
Wolverine.Phoenix is killed by Venom and shortly
thereafter, Chiba is killed by Wasp.AoA
Cyclops shreds Aunt May with an optic blast.In retaliation, Spiderman unleashes a fury of punches in retaliation,
breaking Cyclops’s neck.

Prowlmus: We meet again, Magneto.

Magneto:Not the same
result, coward.

Magneto magnetically crushes
Prowl before the Transformer can reach the mutant.While distracted though, Superman and Jor-El
kill Magneto with well placed punches through his skull.Eclipso retaliates and manages to kill
Jor-El, but dies at Superman’s hands.Loki
manages to discombobulate Bizarro Mxyzlplyk, who is sent to his death, but not
before himself killing Kryptonian Army Soldier 1.Woverine skewers X-23.Spiderman destroys Venom.Superman
and Loki take out Jeer Dexton and Wasp, respectively. Loki, Superman, Spiderman and Wolverine stand
within the layers of final carnage.

Darth Shemalya walks through the decimation and detritus scattered
throughout the Streets of Rage.A worn
Superman looks at her in puzzlement.

Superman: Where were you?

Darth Shemalya:Planning.

A muffled growl is heard from Wolverine.

Spiderman:For what?

Darth Shemalya smiles and walks away, waiting for her teammates to follow.