Monty Python Scripts

Silly Disturbances (the Rev. Arthur Belling)

The cast:

The sketch:

(We see a table outside a restaurant. A young couple are
sitting blissfully at it.)

She: It's nice here, darling, isn't it.

He: It's beautiful, it's Paris all over again.

(Enter a vicar, dressed normally but has bald wig with fright
hair at sides. He carries a suitcase.)

Vicar: Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?

He: Er, no... no... no... not at all.

Vicar: Are you sure you don't mind?

He: Yes, yes, absolutely.

Vicar: You're sure I won't be disturbing you?

He: No, no.

Vicar: You're absolutely sure I won't be disturbing you?

She: No, no really.

Vicar: Good. Because I don't want to disturb you.
Specially as you're being so kind about me not disturbing you.

He: Oh, no, no, we don't mind, do we, darling?

She: Oh no, darling.

Vicar: Good, so I can go ahead and join you then? Can I?

Both: Yes ... yes...

Vicar: Won't be disturbing?

Both: No. No.

Vicar: Good, good. You're very kind. (he sits down)
A lot of people are far less understanding than you are. A lot of
people take offence even when I talk to them. (he makes strange
gestures with his hands) Let alone when I specifically tell them
about my being disturbing.

He:. Well, it's not particularly disturbing.

Vicar: No, absolutely, absolutely, that's what I always
say. (he produces plates from his case and smashes them on the
table) But you'd be amazed at the number of people who really
don't want me - I mean, even doing this (he produces a rubber
crab suspended from a ping-pong bat and a rubber baby doll and bobs
them up and down, making loud silly noises as he does so) gets
people looking at me in the most extraordinary way. (he breaks
more plates and squirts shaving foam over his head; he and she get
up to leave)

He: We must be getting on.

Vicar: I knew I'd disturb you ... I knew I'd disturb you
... (miserably) It always happens ... whenever I've found
someone I really think I'm going to be able to get on with...

He: No, the only thing is, you see, we're going to be a
little bit late.

She:(sitting down and comforting vicar) Let's
stay.

He: Well, just a little bit... I mean, we will be late if
we don't... (he sits down reluctantly)

Vicar: Oh, thank you. You're very kind.

(More silly behavior from the vicar. He and she look
embarrassed. Dissolve to them sitting at home smashing plates,
making silly noises and covering themselves with shaving cream.)

She:(voice over) As it turned out our chance
meeting with Reverend Arthur Belling was to change our whole way of
life, and every Sunday (film of them running into a church)
we'd hurry along to St Loony up the Cream Bun and Jam.

(Hold shot of the church. Sound of a congregation standing. We
hear the silly noises. Cut to nude organist (Terry Jones). He plays
a fanfare.)