Webster's Dictionary defines Happiness as a state of well-being and contentment : joy.

I know for most of my life a state of well being and contentment has eluded me. I have learned many other victims also live in this state. I realize as I heal this state has been inflicted on me from the abuser, his ability to control and defile me. I have also learned I have allowed others to push me down because I felt worthless and loathed who I was. I learned people see this flaw in me and would use it to their advantage and I allowed their actions to further wound me. Why once again I come back to the abuser and how he groomed and controlled my mind, my ability to love and my inability to defend myself from the abuses of others.

During my healing journey I found people, here and everywhere, who could express compassion and love and gave me encouragement to heal. I no longer had fear to look at myself as worthless because they did not attack me verbally or physically, I was told I was valuable and not worthless, I was able to be free and not be locked in a room nor was I made to feel defiled like the abuser left me from his attacks that touched and penetrated my body to spit running down my face to control me followed by his words I would be taken away if I told. I was encouraged it was not a secret that I should hold within like he told me I needed to keep to preserve the love he told me we had.

I have learned healing allows one to find happiness-that sense of contentment and well being that eluded me for a lifetime. I have learned to think differently and accept the abuse is part of me but it does not need to define me or my life. It has helped me to face the parish and diocese and to do what I needed to do with the Hotline.

This weekend was full of laughter, love, support and joy. Walks, dinners and quiet evenings and hearing her words and words from others of encouragement and pride it what I have achieved. I guess I may have found a state of well being and contentment. So maybe I have finally found lasting happiness within myself. I now believe happiness comes from within.

Wow, I love hearing success stories. Thanks for sharing what clearly is a journey based on tough experiences that no human should have to endure. Sounds like you have not only endured it, but have made yourself a better person despite the abuse. You could have gone the other way, but you didn't. You sound proud and you should be!

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"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words. My StoryProgress

Now time will tell how ingrained this state is within. I like everyone here knows there are ups and downs. But I have learned much about myself and people on this journey.

As for myself, I held guilt and shame and felt responsible for what happened to me. It took years for me to accept it was not my fault and I was not responsible. I was a child and believed what he told me. I wanted to please, not see anyone hurt nor to be taken away from my parents. He made me believe I was special and what was being done to me was love. Well everyone remember and believe you were a child and he/she was responsible for your pain and hurt. You were a child and the perp manipulated you emotionally and psychologically. I was so slow to accept and it held me back.

Learn and believe you are good and valuable, because everyone has value despite how the perp left us to feel. Believe and love yourself and the child within can heal and become one.

The abuse impacted each of us differently and how we tried to handle the pain, to cope so we could live. Some medicated with various addictions, others acted out to recreate the abuse, others retreated and became reclusive, some escaped through dissociation, and so many other ways. But we survived and only each of us can allow ourselves to heal. We need to support each other and honor those that did not survive by taking our lives back.

People around us are important. If they do not want us to heal or create an environment that reminds us of the abuse, be it words, actions or acts, then we will not heal. Leave and find a safe environment because many of us loath ourselves and this type of environment will only create more darkness and allow the abuse and the abuser to control us. I have learned there are many wonderful and supportive people in this world. All are not bad like our abuser.

So many told me what I needed to do but I could not accept, years of conditioning controlled me. Somewhere along the way through the supp9rt and love of others I began to accept and love myself. Exactly when and why I do not know. But believe the power of love and support played a major role in my acceptance of myself. This love and support cannot be measured. We have that support and love here at MS. I needed to accept people around me did not want me to heal. People have told me what their reasons may have been-fear of the abuse, fear of accepting they have not been there for me, fear of facing their own issues, fear of their own past,need to manipulate the abuse and my behaviors to secure love amongst themselves, fear of accepting what was done reawakened the abuse or some other reason. I cannot answer why their reasons but for me I needed to accept these people were not there for me to heal.

Acceptance and awareness of ourselves and those around us are needed for us to heal. I know I have more healing to do. Success is incremental, one step at a time.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am happy to have found MS because the support is immeasurable.

Somewhere along the way through the supp9rt and love of others I began to accept and love myself. Exactly when and why I do not know. But believe the power of love and support played a major role in my acceptance of myself. This love and support cannot be measured. We have that support and love here at MS.

So well said. You're awesome Kevin!

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"Me too"-I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words. My StoryProgress

Hi Kevin. You did a really good job here of detailing how you've progressed in your recovery. I'm glad you've found a place in life where you've experienced something that feels like happiness. When someone has been through what you've been through, it's huge just to be able to say that. I also agree that true happiness is something that has to come from within. If you belive you've found it, even for a moment, that means you can find it. So, even if it goes away, you found it once, which to me means you're capable of finding it again. Good luck with that. Peace,

Kevin - wonderful to hear that you have found some peace, happiness and rest in your life. you have endured much and worked hard to achieve this. enjoy it for as long as you can!lee

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"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

the finding of joy and knowing the building blocks of growth along the journey is so optimistic and thank you for sharing.

For myself, I am struggling with accepting that my mother for all that she taught me and all the opportunities she made possible for me was still the woman who violated and abused me.

I know that those who appreciated what I DID WERE ACCEPTING OF ME, IT WAS I who refused to believe I was acceptable to anyone. It was I who help on to the delusions that I was the monster if I ever lost control.

Though I know it was all lies, I still can not reconcile my losses with woman who taught me she loved me regardless of her violations and guilt for her own behaviors,

I am sorry you are have difficulties-your situation is very difficult--a mother who violated you but at the same time gave you opportunities. It has to be hard to separate the two. Sadly your mother abused you-- be it physical abuse or excessive emotional attachment the child suffers. I have hopes one day you will figure out what is right for you--maybe separation from your mother will allow you to heal. I cannot imagine what it must be like to see her as your mother and abuser. My heart goes out for you. I hope you are receiving professional help to guide you on your journey. We are here for you and remember you must focus on you and not her.

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