(Closed) BROKE UP WITH FIANCE. He is now getting married to a girl he barely knows.

I dated my ex for over year. We’re both in our early 30s. I broke up with him about a month and a half ago during which time he begged me to go back to him…to marry him. Throughout the course of the relationship, it was a very rocky. Allow me to briefly explain. He was a former drug addict (meth and heroin) for over 10 years. He also was a drug dealer..got busted and was in prison for almost 4 years. We started dating about 5 months after his release (I was not completely aware of his former life when we began dating…he was very charming and funny and smart, etc.). A couple of months into the relationship and then came the red flags. Many blaring red flags with bells and alarms. But I ignored them, hoping (as we often do in fantasizing things will get better). But they did not. He was controlling. Manipulative. CLASSIC EXAMPLE: He didn’t like me to wear high heels (which I wear every day and have done so for the past 15 years of my life) because he said my attitude was different when I wore them. I dress very conservatively and do not wear “street walker heels” (if you know what I mean) but wore nice heels to compliment my very conservative outfits (no short skirts, no plunging necklines, no tight clothing and I always wear dresses/skirt – so no pants and no shorts). ANYWAY, he loved when I was barefooted or in tennis shoes because he said it made me more humble and sweet. WEIRD RIGHT?! He’d also try to get me to change my hairstyle, etc. Another example: He couldn’t keep a steady job – literally lost three job over the course of 7 months, and now he is doing promo type work, i.e. alcohol events, sales of various things, political campaigns, even selling DVDs on the streets to random people, so he doesn’t work for any one company, but just random jobs that require someone to hustle and sell their product.) AND, with his criminal record, it’s difficult for him to pass background checks.

Other things about his behavior, which I believe to be because of his drug abuse, were very bipolar in nature. One moment he would be happy, the next he would literally freak out over the simplest of things. I was very depressed during the time we were together and felt I was being sucked into a black hole. Yet I endured the relationship. Was it out of desperation? I don’t know. I’m not a desperate person and have never been in an abusive relationship, but yet my relationship with him almost destroyed my spirit, my self-esteem, my confidence. My closest friend recently told me I seemed “lost” during the time I was with him. AND, most notably, every one of my family members did NOT like him. AT ALL. My dad (who died very recently, in fact during the time of my break-up) , upon meeting him for the first time July last year, told me that based upon his conversation with my ex, that my ex was a pot of hot oil, waiting to burst. That it would take one thing to set him off and he would probably hit me. My dad knew NOTHING of the problems I was having…this was just the first impression my dad got from simply talking with him.

ANYWAY, my reason for posting this rant is because right before Dad died (he passed August 2nd), the ex, 2 weeks before dad died, begged me to go back to him..that he wished we had married before dad got sick so that dad could walk me down the aisle. But I told him no. That there was too much damage (his own mom, while he was in another room, with tears in her eyes, told me to walk away from her son if I needed to…that I have put up with so much and that they love me but completely understand if I walk away from the relationship). I loved this man…even though he hurt me. I felt by breaking things off with him I would be like every other person in his life who left him in one form or another (his mom sent him away to a boys’ home when he was 11 because she was afraid of him…his behavior was very bad as a kid and his dad walked away when he was only 2 years old). I wanted to stick it out…show him I would not leave him. But here I was hurting during 80% of the time we were together. I was even afraid of having children with him because of his low tolerance to anything stressful (and when children get very fussy and won’t stop crying as infants during long sleepless nights, it can be frustrating..but that’s just a fact of life..you deal with it. But I doubted whether or not he could handle that and I didn’t know if I could ever leave my children alone with him while I worked).

So anyway, he recently started dating this girl (in fact, a “friend” of mine who at one time lived with me, for free, I was helping her while she got on her feet) who is well, she’s a sad girl…all fake body part (breasts and bottom) tattoos all over her body, lost custody of her daughter, has been married and divorced, and has been in several taboo relationships with men, sometimes more than one man at the same time in the same night – without being very detailed, it was a very compromising situation. She’s been known to get in the car with men she meets while driving down the road and on the same day, sleep with him. So he told a friend who then told me that he was going to “date” this girl to make me jealous and lure me back to him. Most recently I learned that this girl got engaged (but did not state to who). He has shown up with her at a recent function that we both attended. They are supposedly getting married and they’ve only known each other for a little over a month.

So, while I know he is not good for me, I still feel the bite. The hurt. Why he won’t leave well enough alone? I have moved on. Yet he persists with sending my friends emails and texts…bringing up our relationship…and it makes it all the more difficult to actually “move on”. I don’t talk about him. I don’t contact him. I have gone on, yes, even during mourning my father’s death, as if all is well.

And yet I still don’t know how to feel…I don’t want him back..but I need to cope..or just hear from somebody who has gone through a similar situation. He would have married me…it was all he talked about…but I just couldn’t bring myself to marry him. And now he is engaged to a girl he has only known for a short while…weeks after I told him we were done.

Aww.. (((hugs))). I know you must be going through a roller coaster of emotions right now. You’ve had two huge losses in a very short amount of time. And the fact that he turns around and gets engaged to someone else almost immediately has to sting, even if you didn’t want to marry him.

But from what you have explained, it really sounds like you dodged a bullet. A year from now, you will look back and be so relieved you are no longer with him, whether or not he marries this other girl.

@Neva: Thank you, Neva. I know in my heart of hearts I’m better off without him. You are spot on regarding two losses (my dad and the ending of the relationship). I’m fine during the day..it’s at night that the loneliness hits me the hardest. I think of all I could have said to my dad before he passed…and then the other emotions of what the ex and I could have done to fix us. But he’s so broken..I don’t know that he’s capable of truly loving another person…when he doesn’t truly love himself.

@jazzyrhae: i’m sorry to hear about your dad. i’m sure that your mixed emotions have a lot to do with that loss b/c you sound a bit confused as to how to feel or accept the recent engagement of your ex.

as for your ex, pp are right. you have dodged a bullet. be thankful that you are out of that relationship. you cannot fix something that is that broken. it might sound terrible but he sounds like a hopeless case. i actually feel sorry for the new girl, even though she is a loser herself. your ex is just filling the void that you refuse to fill. he is trying to make you jealous. just ignore him. he really doesn’t even deserve any attention from you.

keep yourself busy. find some new hobbies. make yourself some personal goals. it’s sometimes hard to be alone after a breakup but you know this is right.

“it’s better to be alone for the right reasons, than to be with someone for the wrong”

@jazzyrhae: I agree with Neva and Mypinkshoes – you’ve clearly dodged a bullet. It’s soooo much better to be free of a bad relationship – free where you have the possibility to find the right partner! – than to be trapt in that bad relationship, fearing being alone. I think you know in your heart that this man is not a good man – he wanted to control and change you, your friends saw you losing yourself, and your father saw this man’s instability.

I think you should do everything in your power to cut ties with him (ask your friends not to tell you if he contacts them or if he talks about you, break contact with him and this girl on facebook or anywhere else you might interact, etc). Work hard to draw closer to friends who saw the danger in him, and who will support you in leaving him behind and moving on. Good luck to you!

Also, if you haven’t tried it already, you might want to consider online dating as a way to take your mind off this guy and remind yourself how many other “fish in the sea” are out there! It’s a great way to keep yourself busy and inject some fun into your social life!

The universe has done you a favor by showing you this mans true colors. Keep on ignoring him and time will heal everything else. You wouldn’t have been able to change the way he is and staying with him would only hurt you in the long run since it sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a 6 year old.Even his Mom knew you should leave him! Somepeople are along because they don’t treat others well. He has to learn to be a decent human being before expecting anyone to stay with him.

It will probably take some time to not be hurt by this anymore, especially since you tried so hard to make things work with him, but…. you totally made the right decision in walking away and staying away. Stay strong! You deserve so much better! So keep ignoring him and tell your friends to ignore him as well.

ETA: I’m really sorry about the loss of your father. :c I can’t imagine how difficult it is to mourn him while being subjected to your ex’s douchebaggery.

Be so thankful you are out of that toxic relationship. The fact that they are getting engaged in such a short time is probably a sign that he doesn’t understand how to be in a mature relationship.

It will get better. Surround yourself with friends and family. You have been through a lot the past couple months. It’s okay to grieve and still feel hurt. But it will get better! You will be stronger from this and find a man who is able to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.