Way #7: The True Charisma

Humility is not an inferiority complex. It's doing the right thing and not being dependent on the opinion of others.

A movie star enters the party: strutting, cocky, head raised. His manner shouts: "I'm great and we all know it." The room is silent with awe. Charisma!

Judaism calls this counterfeit charisma. The movie star is totally dependent on external factors over which he has no control. Without the adoring fans, he has nothing.

Way #7 teaches that the path to genuine charisma is B'anava – "with humility."

Does humility really generate charisma?! Don't we usually imagine the humble person as meek, hunched over, and barely noticeable?

Let's define our terms. Humility is not an inferiority complex or lack of self-esteem. Humility means "living with the reality that nothing matters except doing the right thing." The humble person is totally dedicated to the pursuit of truth. And because his self-esteem is not dependent on approval from others, he can choose the right thing even when it's not popular or politically correct.

An arrogant person, on the other hand, is mostly concerned with his own ego, his own pride, his own money. So even though he appears friendly and charming, he's really manipulating things to suit his selfish needs.

"Arrogance" = I'm all that counts.

"Humility" = What's greater than me counts.

Transcending the Pettiness

Despite his smooth exterior, the arrogant person is, ironically, restrained and inhibited from expressing his true self. How can he "be himself" when he is constantly preoccupied with how he appears in the eyes of others?

Humility is freedom. When you are only concerned about truth, and living by it, then you are free to express yourself in the most genuine and uninhibited way. Your natural beauty shines through. That's real charisma!

The Torah tells us that the most humble person of all time – Moses – was, not coincidentally, also the most charismatic. As the teacher of Torah, Moses had a quiet confidence in the justness of his cause. He could not be rattled by rebels or complaints. And that's what earned him the greatest respect.

With such genuine self-confidence, the humble person has transcended the mundane pettiness of this world. He doesn't have to answer every insult. He can rise above arguments.

He knows his place, and helps others find their place, too. He makes everyone feel important. Because with the humble person, if others excel, there's no jealousy or risk of ego crisis.

Have you ever met such a person? It draws you like a magnet. Wouldn't you like some of that charisma?

The Human Need for Meaning

Because humility is predicated on the pursuit of truth, it fuels the basic human need for meaning.

We see that people are searching for meaning in life. Almost everyone wants to help the needy, the poor, the hungry and the homeless. And many people choose "helping" careers like health care and social work. Money alone is not enough pleasure to carry one through a lifetime.

Unfortunately we often get side-tracked by the mundane issues of daily life. Amidst all the errands, meetings and e-mails, we lose clarity on what is ultimately meaningful.

One way to focus is to ask yourself: "What am I living for? Am I eating to live, or living to eat? Do I work to live, or live to work?"

Every day you have to re-ask these questions. This will help to keep your job, relationships, and overall goals in perspective.

So what are you living for? Do some research. See if your "life goal" is truly meaningful, or just some abstract notion.

If you hear a voice say, "There's no real objective purpose to life," check out whether that's true before you concede. Don't give up so quickly. Don't fall in with the cynics. Meaning is too vital to ignore. Just like food and water, your health depends on it.

Do the Right Thing

Doing the right thing is often difficult, because we don't always perceive it as providing a great source of pleasure.

If you think about it, you'll see there is no greater pleasure.

Material pleasures are necessary and nice, but they do not compare to the higher pleasures of love and meaning. Imagine being offered 10 million dollars in exchange for one of your children. After rejecting the offer, you'll be overwhelmed with the precious value of that child! You may have always known his worth on an intellectual level, but now it becomes real to you.

Similarly, if you were given the choice of killing 1,000 innocent children, or being killed yourself, you know what you'd choose.

Even though this scenario is extreme, it reveals something deep in the psyche of every human being: Being good is so important that we're even willing to die for it.

What is Your Cause?

Now let's take this a step further. If you are willing to die in order to be "good," the corollary is that there is no higher goal in living than being good!

Ultimately, everyone is dying for a cause. World peace, save the whales, political reform, everyone is dedicated to something. The only question that remains, therefore, is "what is your cause?"

Sit down and figure out what you're willing to die for. Read eulogies. They're a good dose of humility. They help us understand the meaning of life. Try writing your own obituary. For what do you want to be remembered? This gives you objectivity and perspective.

Once you've found a cause so meaningful that you'd forfeit your life for it, then you have the answer to the more important question: What you should be living for.

And when you indeed live for that cause, you will have unparalleled power, purpose and pleasure.

Now make a plan to implement this into your day-to-day life. Start slowly, taking one small step at a time, so not to be overwhelmed. Keep your eye on the goal and gauge your progress every day.

Connecting with your ultimate purpose is a big project. But there's no better use of your time and energy.

Are you up to the challenge?

Do it for the Right Reason

"Doing the right thing" is a high level, but there's a higher level still. You also have to do the right thing for the right reason – i.e. "because it's the right thing to do." If you do the right thing for selfish reasons – e.g., so you can brag about your accomplishments – you'll end up feeling lousy about yourself.

The story is told of a great rabbi, on his death bed, praying with great intensity. His students were gathered around and asked, "Rabbi, what are you thinking at this moment?"

Answered the rabbi: "A little voice inside me is saying, 'Pray with great intensity so your students will be impressed." Even at the moment of death, this great sage was battling his ego!

True charisma comes when we disengage ourselves from the need for outside approval. So do the right thing for the right reason. No matter what the consequences may be. It's the greatest feeling in the world!

God: The Ultimate in Meaning

In the pursuit of meaningful achievement, what makes a person more impactful – acting according to a subjective opinion (which can change at any moment), or according to an outside objective standard? Obviously it is more meaningful to fulfill what is objectively right.

Judaism says that in order to discover true meaning, we have to be in touch with what the Creator wants. Because God, being outside the bounds of human ego and partisanism, is the source of objectivity. In essence, He defines what is "good."

Objectivity and humility are linked ideas. Objectivity gives us the ability to rise above selfish desires and do the right thing, for the right reasons. That leads to humility.

Moses was called "the most humble" because he stood before God with the utmost respect. With awe. Moses knew his place. Anything else precludes room for God to fit in. That's why the Talmud likens arrogance to idol worship; both push away the presence of God.

In any situation, ask yourself: "What would God want?" Do what He says, and you'll always be doing the right thing.

Open Up To Wisdom

Use humility to open yourself up to wisdom. Without humility we can't hear wisdom, because we are too stuck in our own subjective reality.

The Sages ask a fundamental question: Why was the Torah given in a desert? Because a desert is empty. What this means is that to acquire Torah – to receive God's wisdom – we must first be willing to open up space inside.

One way to attain more objectivity is to give someone else advice. Dealing with external issues will help you see your own situation more clearly.

The bottom line: The more you rise above the need for others' approval, and develop your inner sense of self-esteem, the more charisma you will possess. And that's something no one can ever take away from you.

Why Is "Humility" a Way to Wisdom?

Humility generates truth and objectivity.

Humility is freedom. Your personality expresses itself in an organic, internally generated, and more real way.

Humility is pleasure. Arrogance is pain.

Humility enables you to embrace others.

Humility deepens your relationship with God.

Until you know what you are willing to die for, you have not yet begun to live.

Thank you for this article this was so good.
I really appreciate it blessings!

(16)
Sim,
July 10, 2009 9:56 PM

So very right

Just wanted to say that R' Weinberg was a very special person. How right was he when he wrote this. Doing the right thing regardless of circumstance is what a person should strive to do throughout life. True charisma is living for the right thing. Afterall man is just dust so you mine as well live to do the right thing. We truly have lost a great Rabbi. Every time I read these articles I am amazed at how true these words really are.

(15)
Dvirah,
March 25, 2008 2:38 PM

Arrogance

Here I always thought I was arrogant because I did NOT worry about "what will people say?" Thank you for a new definition and a new way to think of myself.

(14)
Joey,
March 19, 2008 9:45 AM

An Important Thing to Remember

Rabbi Weinberg (may God bless him in his hard times now) makes a very good point; we should not base our opinions of ourselves on petty things, but dedicate ourselves to truth and goodness. We must keep in mind, then, that THIS is what makes us worthy human beings, using the Divine Image in us correctly, not on our cars or jobs.

God bless!

(13)
Anonymous,
June 11, 2007 5:11 PM

An inspiring article. Please write more on Ego and Self Esteem.

Your articles on Ego, Self Esteem and Humility are truly inspiring. Please write more on these to help one understand the difference between these overlapping terms.

(12)
chris,
January 12, 2003 12:00 AM

on charisma

i read your article on charisma, and find it enlightening but your definately missing a key part, charisma is a projection of a persons's spirit to others whoch is what your talking around indirectly. A person with charisma isnt merely thinking about truth, he is speaking what is real and true into other people and he can feel that. ask a person with charisma wht he feels is happening

(11)
MR D Ritchie,
January 3, 2003 12:00 AM

Thankyou

Your site on charisma is truly inspirational, I look at it in a new light, its like "Oh yes, I can see that now." all the way through your essay. Almost like remembering something I long ago forgot, and bringing it all back to my mind. thankyou.

(10)
Esther trasolini,
May 8, 2002 12:00 AM

This is good

Coming to a place in my life, where knowing who I am has become very vital to daily living. Words and hence, names, have always fascinated me. My mother named me after Esther in the bible. I am not jewish, but I don't think that information matters. What matters is my connection to the name and the connection to a part of history that makes my mind soar with the old and the new and the past and the future coming together as one. With no boundaries and no barriers as far as religions and people are concerned. I believe in God and the closeness God has with the Jewish people and all of his children. Thank you for the insight I have gleened. The wisdom coming from your words will help in my journey to finding the authentic me and when that comes into focus I will have found God in a clarity I have been yearning for all my life. Thank you.

(9)
Corey Chambers,
March 30, 2002 12:00 AM

Echos of my own path

I love it. Thank you. You have reminded of and confirmed my path. The question of others' reactions to my actions hinder the flow of Spirit as it enters my body, but I am changing. And by this I would like to remind everyone feeling the same thing -- don't forget that there must be a state of transition between where you were and where you want to be, so don't be too hard on yourself for not being the picture of "perfection", k? Afterall, you're getting there eventually, right?! ;)

Love and peace
corey

(8)
bob smith,
October 24, 2001 12:00 AM

It changed my aspect on life

Im dont consider myself a religious person. In fact, i stumbled upon this site when searching for information on Inferiority Complex's. This essay provided me with the very steps on how to cure my problem. I always refused to let messages similar to these 'reach me', but I chose to read this hoping that I could obtain some information on a problem that im suffering from. This essay provided me with much more than my once cynical mind had expected. Although im not Jewish, i feel that this essay has provided me with an aspect on life that i thought never existed.

(7)
Sally Badawi,
October 23, 2001 12:00 AM

thank you

I am a Muslim, by upbringing. Your well expressed wisdom proves to me even more how more the same than different we are. Love and peace to you and your people, for they are my brothers and sisters too. May our Great God bring us altogether in peaceful co-existence and happy harmony one day... Peace.

(6)
PAUL McCRANE,
September 26, 2001 12:00 AM

TRUE WISDOM

MAY GOD BLESS YOU FOR YOUR INSIGHT!!!

(5)
Dan Vogel,
September 20, 2001 12:00 AM

POWERFULLY AMAZING

My business consists of the most powerful personal development programs among Corporate America with the belief that success(be it financial,physical or spiritual) is 3%skill and 97%attitude and every time I read another article from you I feel like I'm listening to one of my business associates,and then it hit me,like a ton of bricks;there is one development program better than the one from my business and that is OUR TORAH:people need to just implement it much more in daily life than they do now and Moshiach would be here real soon.
Thanx a Million
Gemar Chasima tova

(4)
William Bright,
September 5, 2001 12:00 AM

Wonderful article

To sit down and truthfully seek and realize what we are willing to die for will bring about great humility.What a wonderful way to find inner truth and how close one may be in fellowship with HaShem! Todah for a wonderful article.

(3)
Anonymous,
August 5, 2001 12:00 AM

I like your style of teaching

You get to the very core of things without beating around the bush. Thank you Rabbi.

(2)
Brandon Barnett,
April 15, 2001 12:00 AM

Through humility we reach an understanding of the wisdom of G-d.

In my search for self understanding and evaluation this article makes so much sense. I have in fact been working with my level of objectivity. I can understand the subjugation of the self to Hashem's will as a key point in finding meaning in every situation He presents me with. Through Humility I can come to understand myself and my role in this life.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!