Can You Orgasm From Wearing High Heels?

Alright, it's time to get on my soapbox about the health dangers of high heels, as I already did earlier this year. Citing no real scientific basis for his statements, iconic shoe designer Christian Louboutin recently said: "What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms." A "female French academic" told him this, which clearly means it's true. (Who trusts the French, anyway?) Sorry, Mr. Louboutin, your shoes are cute, and I wish I could afford them, but I don't buy into your theory.

Apparently by "putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation." Oh, really? You're not just running a clever PR campaign to sell more overpriced shoes? Well, everyone should be so lucky as to have orgasmic experiences from high heels. Okay, I'm going to assume Louboutin doesn't actually think high heels cause orgasms, because that would just be loopy, but that he's saying they enhance a woman's sexual power. It goes without saying that a lot of men think they're sexy, and a lot of women enjoy wearing them. Fantastic! But making other women feel insecure by telling them through the channels of mass media that they have to fit into an uncomfortable contraption just to be sexy, well, that's just low. Love & Beauty: What Is 'Drunkorexia?'

Plus, more reputable sources say high heels increase your risk of arthritis, and cause ankle fractures, nerve damage and varicose veins, not to mention blisters and calluses. In my book, that makes all the seductive qualities go out the window.

As for Louboutin's statement saying a pair of heels gives a woman the power to be "sexy, charming, witty or shy?" I can do any of that in my flats, thanks. Maybe I'm just bitter because I dislike walking in those things (though I sometimes force myself to), but I think every woman should make her own decision about what she chooses to feel sexy in, rather than letting a bogus "news" article dictate what's "orgasmic" and what's not.

1. Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin has failed at just about everything and still somehow manages to stay relevant. Seriously, what other losing vice-presidential candidates can you name? That said, she has to be doing something right. My Fox News-loving grandpa tells me it's the legs, and I'll take his word for it.

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2. Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan: Because behind every conservative is a very dark, deviant, pervy side. Look at those eyes, that smug smile, that widow's peak. Dude is probably into some freaky shit.

Paul Ryan

3. John Boehner and Mitt Romney

John Boehner and Mitt Romney count as one person because they have so much in common besides their Republican loyalty. And by "so much in common" I just mean "orange skin." What makes that sexy? C'mon, don't act like Doritos aren't delicious.

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4. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is the Beyonce of the Supreme Court, and you will deal.

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5. Marco Rubio

Some people think it's not hot if someone's too thirsty. The good thing about Marco Rubio's insatiable thirst, though, is that it makes him a man who will do whatever it takes.

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6. Joe Biden

Is there any living politico on Earth you'd rather have a beer with than Vice President Mr.-Steal-Yo-Girl Joe Biden? He has no filter and no f*cks left to give. And he does things like this constantly.

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7. Elizabeth Warren

Whether or not Elizabeth Warren's cheekbones are a result of her alleged Cherokee heritage, they're working as well as her legislation does. Especially considering that haircut.

Elizabeth Warren

8. Rick Santorum

Google or Urban Dictionary "santorum." If that's your thing, well, he's your guy, considering it's basically what comes out of his mouth every time he speaks.

10. Rick Perry

For all you women who are into Christian Grey, consider former Texas Governor Rick Perry your guy, because he's domineering, rich, white and wants total control of your reproductive organs.

Rick Perry

Sarah Palin has failed at just about everything and still somehow manages to stay relevant. Seriously, what other losing vice-presidential candidates can you name? That said, she has to be doing something right. My Fox News-loving grandpa tells me it's the legs, and I'll take his word for it.