Everyday I schedule time to respond to questions on Twitter and Facebook. It’s a very interesting part of my day because I never know what I’ll be asked. The questions range from what you would imagine is typical: “Do all men cheat?” While some are more outrageous and crazy: “Paul, what do you do with your clipped toe nails?” (Answers: 1) the most extensive studies on infidelity and marriage suggest the majority of men do not cheat. 2) I collect my nails in a silk satchel and put them under my pillow at night… just kidding!)

Recently, something stood out in the questions. Several people asked, “How can I meet someone new?” I found this interesting because normally I get the question of “Where can I meet someone new?” Typically it’s not “how.” For the record, I like “how” much better because there’s not one spot where you can absolutely find a partner.

The key to meeting “the one” is in the expansion of your social circle. It’s important to remember that the number one way, over the last 100 years, that women and men meet for marriage has been through family and friends. And, while you can’t expand your family, you can expand your friendship circles.

The following are well-researched ways to expand your social circle and therefore give yourself the highest likelihood of finding the one.

Join A Sports Team

I’m not asking you to tryout for Jay Z’s Brooklyn Nets. I’m simply suggesting you get active in an organized way. Tip: don’t join a team in your city — participate in a neighboring town so you can network with people you don’t know.

Make Eye Contact and Smile

If you walk around with a frown or distant eyes, people are less likely to approach you and be receptive to your friendship. No mean muggin’!

The Harvard Business Approach

There’s an interesting article in Harvard Business Review called “How to Build Your Network.” It describes a very innovative process I currently use: After you identify your key contacts, think about how you first met them. In the center column of the work sheet, write the name of the person who introduced you to your contact (if you met the person yourself, write “me”). This column will reveal the brokers in your network and help you see the networking practices you used to connect with them. These are the people you already know who are clearly able and willing to help you branch out. They should be the first people you call and where you invest a disproportionate amount of your time and energy.

Introduce Two People Who Do Not Know Each Other But Ought To

You strengthen your position within your own network when you become what is called a “superconnector.”

Volunteer

This is one of the best ways to meet people of all backgrounds and ages. The more challenging the project, typically the stronger the bond you will build with your fellow volunteers.

Create An “Interesting People Fund”

I learned this through a very interesting book called The Start-Up of You: Adapt to the Future, Invest in Yourself, and Transform Your Career.” The authors suggest we create an “interesting people fund” to which you automatically funnel a certain percentage of your paycheck. Use it to pay for coffees and the occasional plane ticket to meet new people and shore up existing relationships.

Visit MeetUp.com

I believe this is the single best social media platform to platonically expand your social circles. Test out my theory and go try it.

Talk to People

You can join a sports team, volunteer, or go to church but you still won’t make new friends if you don’t actually talk to them. Don’t be shy, people don’t bite…well, some of us do but unless you’re talking to Mike Tyson, you’re probably safe. Don’t be too picky. Most conversations will be a dead-end of sorts, when you may never talk to that person again, or you just remain acquaintances—but once in a while you’ll actually make a friend.

Reconnect With Old Friends

Now, I’m not talking about your girl that double-crossed you and stole your boyfriend four years ago. I’m talking about actual good friends that for one reason or another you lost touch with over the years. In a great book titled Dormant Ties: The Value of Reconnecting, the authors argue that getting back in touch with people is the most overlooked and underutilized source of building social capital.

Give these a try and keep me posted on your progress!

Posted on: Aug 13, 2012

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Excellent advice and tips I've given to other singles all looking for the "secrets". Being in front of people and actually GETTING out of the house and trying somethine new and different is bound to give you new opportunities and a greater likelihood for success in your love life.

I've tried meet up in my area; it's sad. It's mostly females doing things, very few activities that incorporate both sexes. I could save $5 every pay period, at most and that would take too long to do anything with. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. Mean mugging, well, sometimes I'm really trying to figure something out and my pensive look is considered mean mugging. I can't stop that in public always. There's no one from my past I miss; truly able to let my past go.

Paul....nice comments...for those of us who are outgoing it can be a challenge to make a connection... quite the same as being shy! I like meeting new people and going to venues I have never attended....I have no problem looking a stranger in the eye and smiling if a conversation ensues introducing myself. A professor in college told me that if I wanted something to ask everyone because I would never know who had what I needed. I used his advice and have been successful in several facets of my life....except in dating. I have volunteered for years....tutored math...been a mentor in a now defunct program under an agency called "Jobs for Youth". I met a few people who are very good friends. Much has been given to enrich my life through my experiences volunteering. I have been told that I am a wonderful person but I have yet to meet that wonderful person who is meant for me...... Online dating services have sorely missed their mark...matching me with people who do not want to meet African-American women. Being over 50 is a challenge too! I am already looking to expand my circle of acquaintances on Meet-Up.com as of yet I have met no men....just younger women. Lots of men sign up for the meet-ups but they rarely show up....OH well....I am having a good time.... Any more suggestions??

I just had a conversation last night at dinner with a girlfriend. We were asking ourselves this very question. 8pm on a Friday night as I browsed the restaurant for attractive men, I was startled as I realized that the majority of the restaurant was women, dining out with other women. This article is really helpful, and confirms a lot of ideas that I believe "self" offsets as "corny" "desperate" or a waist of time. Hearing it from a professional pushes me forward and into action! Thanks

Paul...I like the "how" better then the "where" as well. I meet people all the time but you just gave me an "Aha" moment. I have "distant eyes"! I am a shy person by nature and a therapist by profession. My tendency is to avoid eye contact and not become too invested with people I don't know...yeah that's not working well. Recently (yesturday) I went into a neighborhood bar, in the area I want to open my sweet shoppe (Treats by Angelique) ordered a mimosa and struck up a conversation with THREE people! I was so scared BUT I am shamelessly trying to promote myself and business and know that I have to overcome myself in order to reach my goals. Your article was right on time. tHaNk YoU and see you in Detroit in October.

I really appreciate the resources that you have provided. I’ve been a real estate agent for 7 years and a little shy and am in the process of building and maintaining relationships better. You also gave some great suggestions that I will incorporate incorporate as well.

I see this a LOT in Chicago. I'm SO TIRED o' dating my friends I don't know what to do! Funny to read that another person did the restaurant scan and too was stricken with the "uh WHOA" face. :| Which plans of action you thinking of taking? I love meetup and have met some REALLY fun people using that site.

About Me

I am a former Investment Banker and non-profit founder. I have spent my career managing entrepreneurial organizations.

An experience happened 4 years ago that made me refocus my life on the importance of connecting people. I now write, speak, and manage a matchmaking and coaching agency. I am married to my best friend and have two sons.