Dear Mr. Limbaugh, This Is How the Pill Works

Dear Mr. Limbaugh, This Is How the Pill Works

Anyone who’s read any recent quotes from a Republican knows that it’s not a great time to have a womb in this country. It’s truly concerning.

More concerning, however, is that Rush Limbaugh doesn’t know how birth control pills work. Though I’d rather remove my womb than have cretins like him tell me what to do with it, I’d really hate for him to continue misunderstanding the functioning of the pill and accidentally reproduce. Biology may have already taken care of that little problem for him, but just in case…

On February 29th, Rushy-Poo put his old, wrinkly foot in his mouth (again) when he called Sandra Fluke a “slut” on his radio show. Sandra Fluke, a Georgetown Law student, was prevented from speaking at a Congressional hearing on Obama’s contraception mandate which allows insured women to get birth control without a co-payment. After a line-up of 100 percent womb-less men testified instead, Fluke eventually got her “slutty” five minutes of fame at an unofficial Democratic hearing where she spoke about the importance of birth control for both reproductive and medical reasons.

About this, Mr. Limbecile gargled, “[Fluke] testifies she’s having so much sex she can’t afford her own birth control pills… What does it say about the college co-ed Susan Fluke who goes before a Congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex —what does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute…She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception.”

There’s a lot of misinformed Limbaugh-logic floating around in these words. Using this Limbaugh-logic, we could say that his employer, Clear Channel Communications, is essentially paying him to jack off misogynist bullshit into our ears.

More importantly, the pill is not actually used each time you knock your slutty boots (those are called condoms, Rush). They don’t come out of some magical Pez dispenser, dropping down into your womb like an anti-baby bomb, obliterating sperm on contact.

Even more importantly, who the hell is Susan Fluke?

Just to clarify, the birth control pill is a medication composed of hormones (or whore-moans to you, Rush) that is taken daily to continuously prevent pregnancy. So whether you’re indeed a sex worker or just a student like Fluke, you can have sex as often as you like, paid or unpaid, without risk of pregnancy after just taking one pill per day (how economical!). Most contraceptive pills contain two hormones —estrogen and progestin—which work to keep the ovaries from releasing their eggs. That prevents pregnancy because even if the little swimmers make it that far, there won’t be any eggs for them to hook up with. The pill also thickens the cervical mucus that keeps sperm separate from eggs and thins the uterine lining to prevent any renegade fertilized eggs from attaching.

The pill is a relatively safe medication to take, but certain medical conditions can increase your risk of problems, which is something to discuss with your doctor. It’s very effective at controlling pregnancy (according to Planned Parenthood, fewer than 1 out of 100 women get pregnant each year if they take their pills exactly as directed) but offers no protection against STDs or HIV, so many pill-popping Georgetown skanks also choose to use condoms.

Women who don’t actually use the pill for baby prevention reasons (like yours truly married to a lady) often take them for their many other benefits. These included reduced period cramps, lighter periods, acne clear-up, reduced PMS symptoms like headache and depression, and protection against pelvic inflammatory disease, ectopic pregnancy and ovarian cancer. Extra bonus: some pills allow you to menstruate safely just a few times a year!

Concerned about Limbaugh’s severe mis-education about the pill? Pass this on to Lowry Mays at publicrelations@clearchannel.com. Maybe Rush’s boss can give him the message.