Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver SurferReview

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A game so bad it puts Dr. Doom to shame.

By Greg Miller

I want to apologize to you, readers. For months now, I've waxed on and on about the pros and cons of certain games, and I have often used the term "button-masher." Up until this weekend, I thought I was using the phrase in the correct context. I though I knew what it meant.

Loosely based on the film with the same name, Rise would be better published as an Incredible Hulk simulator because the more I played, the madder I got. To begin with, the game from 2K and 7 Studios is a complete conundrum for fans. When the title opens, the team -- the Human Torch, Mr. Fantastic, the Thing and the Invisible Woman -- is dropped into the lair of the Skrull with only a vague exchange on the outside to let you know something is amiss on earth.

This is the only time you'll use Sue.

This is the real "introduction" folks &#Array;

Johnny: Ok walk me through this again, Reed. How does what's going on underground have anything to do with all that craziness up there?

Ben: Yeah, I got the same question as hothead here.

Reed: All of my readings correlate exactly to this location. I've tracked a large cosmic energy spike to these coordinates. Find the source and maybe &#Array; just maybe &#Array; we'll be able to figure out why earth's experiencing such strange weather anomalies.

Sue: This would so have to happen when I'm still trying to find a caterer.

Ben: Oy, the wedding.

Sue: Don't push it.

Ok. That's a pretty simplified version of the chaos (see: a silver dude is making huge holes in the planet) the movie showed, but I guess I can live with them not rehashing the story. It just means they expect me to see the movie to fill in the game's blanks, right? Not so fast, dedicated F4 fan who picked up this title AND saw the film. Although it would seem the game wants you to see the Jessica Alba opus (FYI: Jess didn't let the game use her voice or likeness for the Sue Storm character), if you did see the motion picture, you'd quickly realize the game has rewritten large parts of the movie -- the Fantastic 4 doesn't even see the Silver Surfer until they bust him out of military custody and some pushover boss tells the team the Surfer's real name -- and twists dialogue around to make Sue, Reed, Johnny and Ben seem like idiots.

Don't see the movie, and you'll be lost in the game. See the movie, and you'll be upset in the game. It's a paradox even Reed Richards couldn't figure out!

I hate rocks with mohawks.

You could hope that the gameplay is on par enough to distract you from the liberties the official movie game is taking, but that kind of hope is only going to lead to more mind-cramps and anger.

Let me walk you though a typical level. You'll start with some goofy dialogue between the team -- not a full-fledged cutscene, just talking heads and captions that pop up on the screen -- and go on to punch everything and anything that gets in your way for the next 25 minutes. Somewhere in there you'll come to a checkpoint and be overjoyed because you think that means you can save, quit and mourn the dozens of dollars you just wasted on Rise, but it turns out you can only save between missions.

Sometimes you'll come to non-movie, comic book bosses such as Super Skrull and Terrex. It's a good thing you've been practicing punching for the past few hours, because the secret to beating bosses in Rise is running up to them and punching them. However, these aren't normal punching fights. Here, you'll have to deplete a boss health meter two or three times -- and deal with a truckload of minions between each bar -- before you can finally punch him to death. Excelsior!

That might sound redundant, but there's good news if you like punching: you get to punch as all four members of the team! With the tap of the D-Pad (a la X-Men Legends) you can be in control of whichever punching maniac you like. Hooray!