Men and Women Need Each Other. Yes, We Do.

There seems to be a growing sentiment among many of today’s men and women that, romantically speaking, we no longer need one another.

Ding, ding, ding! In one corner: The “I-am-woman-hear-me-roar” variety, the kind who touts female independence above all else and trots out anti-male books and articles with titles like “Are Men Necessary?” and “The End of Men.” In the other corner: The “fed-up man,” the kind who feels dicked over (no pun intended) by what he feels is an increasingly misandrist society, so much so that he decides to forgo the “trappings of male servility” altogether for a life of blissful bachelordom. Fueled by past and present societal resentments, the boxers defensively yet defiantly retreat to their respective corners.

I’ve seen evidence of the latter mentality on various Web sites, in which men write about their frustrations and anger. Despite the feeling that they’re being castrated, they’re, well … pissed off. They argue: I don’t need a woman in my life. Why would I subject myself to an unjust court system and a nagging wife who professes to not even need me, when I can be perfectly happy having no-strings-attached sex and eating my Wheaties in peace?

I’ve also seen the former attitude proudly on display at a “Battle of the Sexes” event, hosted by Steve Santagati, author of the bestselling book “The Manual.” The premise: three men on one side; three women on the other; Santagati in the middle moderating. At one point during the debate, one of the female panelists shouted: “This is what you guys don’t get. We can take care of ourselves. We don’t neeeeed you in our lives. We want you in our lives.”

Is it so awful nowadays to admit that we need—not just want—one another? I used to think so. For years, I bought into the aforementioned female panelist’s mentality but perhaps not for reasons in which I firmly believed.

A few years ago, when I was around 30, during a summer jaunt to Nantucket, I met a guy out at a bar. We hit it off and decided to take a stroll together around the cobble-stoned streets. Eventually, and I don’t know how we stumbled onto the subject, we began to discuss dating and gender relations. I can’t remember exactly what it was I said that prompted his response but it was a response I’ll never forget: “Oh no, here we go again. We get it: You’re independent and self-sufficient and you don’t need us.”

That moment has always stayed with me. I was surprised. All that time, I thought men wanted a woman who proudly admitted her independence and self-sufficiency, a woman who could rely totally on herself for everything. Don’t get me wrong, I was (and am) proud of being an independent, educated woman, but it dawned on me at that moment that while men surely appreciate women who have these qualities, they also want women who need them and openly rejoice in that sentiment.

Women, too, need men, and we want men to need us.

Of course, I’m not talking about needing one another in obsessive, insecure ways, but I am saying that it should be socially acceptable for men and women to admit to ourselves and those around us that we need one another. Maybe it’s not in the same way we needed each other 60 years ago—women can change their own tires and make their own money; men can cook and clean for themselves. But we still and will always need each other for companionship, emotional support, intimacy, to feel special and valued and cared for and safe, to be inspired. We don’t just want those things. We, as human beings, need those things.

I am reminded of a scene from the inimitable movie “Say Anything,” in which a distraught Diane Court (played by a wonderful Ione Skye) seeks solace in the arms of her ex, Lloyd Dobler (an unforgettable John Cusack character). Diane has just been betrayed by her father, whom she adores, so she rushes to the only other man in her life for support. “I need you,” she implores. Hesitant, Lloyd asks, “Are you here because you need someone, or you need me?” only to follow up his question (he knows the answer) with, “Forget it. I don’t care.” Diane doesn’t want Lloyd. She needs him. And he needs her.

The bottom line is this: We should celebrate that we need each other and say and do everything we can to convince one another to take off the gloves.

Neely Steinberg is a freelance writer living in Boston. Her work has been published in the Boston Globe Magazine, Boston Magazine, the Boston Phoenix, and New York Magazine, to name a few. Formerly, she hosted two internet radio shows and an internet TV show on dating, sex, love, and relationships. Currently, Neely is the relationship/dating columnist for Blast Magazine. Send your relationship/dating questions to her at [email protected] and she will answer them in her column on Blast called “MP4 Love,” in which she posts her video responses. Follow her on Twitter and check out her website: www.neelysteinberg.com.

Comments

I don’t need a woman. My wife doesn’t need a man. We now need eachother, but we didn’t need eachother before we met. We now need eachother because we allowed ourselves to need the other through falling in love. As happy I am now I am pretty sure that I would be just as capable of being just as happy if I hadn’t met her. Losing her would make me miserable until I learn to not need her anymore.

I believe it is possible to be happy as perpetual single if one is able to ignore the external expectations. In many ways I respects feminist separatists and MGTOW for that although I find that many of them act kind of an ass about it – probably because they struggle with ignoring either/both external and internal expectations.

If I need companionship or need to love and feel loved, I would prefer keeping a dog to ….. (you know what). After all doges are more loyal and fun to have around. There are several methods of taking care of biological drive that does not involve women.

Steph:
If I wanted to love and be loved, I could have a baby. There would be a lot more stability in that relationship than being with a man. Same for pets. And men don’t need relationships either, there are plenty of alternatives (porn, hookers, realdoll, and in the future gynoids).

Porn and hookers are no substitute for a relationship, despite what some of my friends would have you believe. I know from experience it is the most lonely and alienated feeling you are left with, although it is fun at the time there is really no comparison.

As an old married man who’s raised 4 children, I can definitialy say that if I were a young single man today, I would do everything in my power to stay that way. It’s just not worth the ‘beat down’ your body and soul take to provide for everyone. Even though there all grown, I still struggle to financeially stay afloat. Now I know it would probably help if my wife, who has worked for many years, would help with any household expenses. That, however, would be asking for a miriacle!

I know one of my best friends stays with her current husband because of financial reasons….a few weeks ago, he was abusive toward their 11 year old son because of a bad report card (I think it was more about the stressful events going on at work and he was taking it out on his son)…My family was supportive and we let them stay as long as they needed to figure it out (her brother urged her to go back home)….I know the abuse cycle is never ending….around and around it goes…I am just waiting for the next blowout [although I told my husband to warn his friend that if he strikes his son ever again I am going to call CPS or law enforcement]….It is unnerving watching my friend…I know if she had the means, she would get out…I don’t think her husband is going to change…it’s like taming a lion….

My friend and her two kids told me that the father grabbed at his throat and ripped his flannel shirt (and I have the shirt as proof)…You think that’s evidence of good parenting skills? You would do that to your kid if he had a bad report card or you were stressed out about work?

My friend needs a good husband and a good father…not some out of control maniac who throws and breaks things and tries to half-choke his kid…if my friend had more education or was more financially strong, she would be able to leave….I think he picked someone who would be very dependent on him….

I’m glad my gf isn’t as jaded, cynical or apathetic as some other people I’ve dated . We both need each other’s happiness and prosperity but she puts up with my little ‘Superman Lois Lane’ fixations even though she’s more independent then I am.

The whole concept of interdependency has taken such a hit this generation. When 2 fully autonomous people with their own sense of financial discipline, their own circle of friends their own likes dislikes and deal breakers, what on earth is holding them together?

I agree Neely. I need men. Men make me a better woman. Learning how to relate to men makes me a better woman. A more kind and compassionate one that isn’t just focused on myself and my wants and needs. There are some things I simply can’t do all by myself. And I don’t feel “weak” for saying that. And I am grateful to all the men in my life that have made my life a much nicer place because of the time and energy they directed toward me.

sigh, some day bio science will invent a way for us men folk to chemically adjust ourselves not to fall victim to the great sexual distraction that is women. The whole something good looking in a skirt walks by and by the time her perfume catches your nose your already in what will be a 20 minute conversation with yourself about how “women hate being nagged by men all the time and she could be an assault survivor so Schrodinger’s rapist walking up to her might freak her out severely but that could be your approach anxiety talking”, then you realize you totally forgot what the hell you were doing right before you walk into something,

some day… some day ill be able to take a pill in the morning and when she walks by ill fell nothing at all…

Yes! Totally agree with this. Pharma should forget viagra and give us anti-viagra. I’d like nothing more than to have an ON and OFF switch for my libido. It would be like men finally getting the “pill” and all its associated liberation and empowerment. Think of all the television commercials we’d never notice; beer sales would plummet.

I do worry though, that in the OFF switch, we may lack all motivation to even get up in the morning. Oh well, I’m sure they will work out the kinks.

I used to want this very thing of which you speak. Then I decided, “Ah frak it!” and I decided I didn’t really give a damn that what I liked and how I behaved offended a bunch of school marms. Life’s been better ever since. Granted, dealing with the Sweetest One is still touch and go at times, but I manage. The rest of the female homo sapiens on this planet , well, they’re all entitled to their opinions on stuff, just like anyone else.

What is bringing these articles on? The whole premise of feminism is that women can do by themselves. They don’t need men or others to make life complete. Now it’s a biological imperative that the sexes need each other? What scientific study is this based on? In my own experience I’ve seen a lot more harm than good come out of these assumptions. I can’t recommend plunging into relationships anymore. Too much damage. And I don’t have any help for young men and flipping off the libido switch. It does get easier as you get older and the testosterone goes down. You also start to equate intimacy with pain enough and the allure will disappear.

I suspect that there may be some alarm on the female side at the growing awareness among men that we don’t need THEM, either.

After several decades of proudly announcing that men are neither satisfactory, nor necessary, nor even welcome, some women are waking up to the fact that two can play this game. And MGTOW has a lot of them very angry and/or frightened.

Exactly CL.
As much as some MRA’s mention MGTOW, my understanding is that MGTOW is actually a very small group. I have seen some of the MGTOW vids on youtube like on final justices and (unless I’m mistaken) the mgtow crowd advocates ZERO relationship interaction with women.

My understanding from the many articles and books detailing men shifting from fatherhood is not that they have zero interaction with women. It’s that they just serially date with not inclination to marry or start a family. They also have zero inclination to ladder climb at work, or do any of the other things men traditionally do–which mostly benefits OTHERS.

You’re right. Based on the number of comments I am seeing on the left and the right, women feminists conservatives are all collectively crapping their pants.

What did they expect to happen? What did they expect when they turned starting family into a legal landmine for men?

Girl writes what actually said that she would rather be forcibly raped than to have happen to her what happens to most men in divorce.

Quite frankly I wish I could turn off the desire for romance, a relationship, sex, companionship, etc. I could focus on other things much better. We have a built in desire generally for reproduction + companionship, and I wonder if that actually becomes a need where we function our best with it. Loneliness and other negative feelings can arise if we aren’t with someone, how many people feel depressed because of no romance/etc? I know I certainly feel it.

Due to my social anxiety disorder I’ve had a lot of time alone and it’s been very depressing, around others and especially around romantic interests I am MUCH happier usually. I truly believe many humans NEED other humans to function and I wouldn’t be surprised if we actually need a partner to help fulfill most of us completely. The single men n women I know who have no intimacy tend to be the most depressed people I know, there definitely seems to be some extra bit of spark with couples or those who get regularly intimacy but that is just my observation.

It’s funny. Women/feminists have spent the last several decades telling men how much you didn’t need (or in many cases want) us around anymore, (fishes and their bicycles, remember?) But it was okay as long as we still kept chasing after you right? Because that gave you power… but now that men have started to give up on that game, have started to walk away… suddenly it’s “well, men and women DO need each other.”

Ladies, as much as I’d like to agree that men and women do need each other, as much as I do want female companionship… I’m just afraid I can’t trust you anymore. The political feminists and their white knight stooges in the government have criminalized every type of interaction a man can make towards women. Harrassment, sexual assault, rape and “domestic violence” are not based on any objective criteria, but how a woman “feels” about it. (Hell, right now the EU is debating whether to make “wolf whistling” a criminal offense.) Thus, leaving it open for abuse. And since I can’t tell just by looking at you which of you might decide to abuse the system for your own gain (and since the stakes of such a game include loss of employment and jail time.) the only way to “win” is not to play.

OMG lol that’s about the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! If feminists really thought men and women were the same or interchangeable there would be no mention of this law. I’m willing to bet a lot of men would like it if men would like it if women esp cute ones were telling them how attractive they were. To be real, a lot of women dress like they want to be wolf whistled. I’m 25, and I even I can see the difference in how women dress just in the past few years. There’s more cleavage, and women walk around in shorts that are barely longer than some underwear. Dave Chapelle makes a good point in his “Ho Uniform” speech. If I walk out this house with cleavage, high heels, short skirt, and some guy tells me i look hot, I’m gonna be like “DAMN STRAIGHT i look good!”

Well hell…here I’m going to go again usin the term heteronormative. I think the sentiment behind this article – that we all need other people – is a good one. I just think restricting that sentiment to opposite-gender relationships is too generalised. We all of us need other people in our lives; some to a greater degree than others. Like Tamen said, we need individuals, specifically. You don’t need to smack gender on top of it.

Exactly. We need people to help access parts of ourselves, it is the relationships one has with those people, not the genders, that determine what’s parts they help access. Though I don’t think the article writer had any intention of suggesting gender was a requirement, she was just trying to put a positive spin on relationships with the opposite gender, a dynamic that has taken a beating the last few decades (as she describes in the opening portion of the article)

I have learned through living that I need (not just want) Mrs. M in ways that she doesn’t need me, and she needs me in ways that I don’t need her. There are ways that we mutually need each other. If one of were to die we could definitely soldier on (she more easily than me because she would be wealthy)

Without each other we could both find a way to not die but I, for one, would be really seriously messed up. I’ve grown accustomed to her face. . .

‎”I am saying that it should be socially acceptable for men and women to admit to ourselves and those around us that we need one another. Maybe it’s not in the same way we needed each other 60 years ago—*women can change their own tires and make their own money; men can cook and clean for themselves. But we still and will always need each other for companionship, emotional support, intimacy, to feel special and valued and cared for and safe, to be inspired. We don’t just want those things. We, as human beings, need those things.*”

This bit REALLY resonated with me. I don’t think its necessarily true of just a gender binary, but rather that it’s okay to NEED other people. Especially in a romantic relationship, it is okay to need things like emotional support. It doesnt make you lesser. Thought for the day

Right on C.L.! Here it is income tax time and once again I can’t believe the amount of money that I ‘allegedly” make. I rarely have as much as$100 on me at any given time. Why? Because my paycheck goes straight to the checking to pay for everyone elses’ needs and wants! As I read this article and thought to myself,my god, imagine waking every morning doing what you want to. Imagine having the funds to spend the way you chose to! How incrediable would that be!

Very well said Ms. Steinberg. I know personally, the stigma behind needing a man has always made me reluctant to ever use the words, though I admitted it in so many ways. It is the extremists who try to convince us otherwise, but even if I weren’t heterosexual, I would need men in my life to balance things out. We are all here for a reason, none of us can survive without the other. Again, I deeply appreciate you for writing this piece. It was right on time for me!

Need? No. Life can be better with a companion of the opposite gender but this isn’t neccessary to have a good life. I’m married (about to hit the 20 year mark) and I would do it all over again with my wife but my older brother has never married and he has a good life too. I also have several friends who haven’t married and have happy lives.

One thing I have learned is that marriage can make your life better OR worse, it isn’t always better. You have to marry a person who “fits” for you and vice versa for it to make your life better.

“Need? No. Life can be better with a companion of the opposite gender but this isn’t neccessary to have a good life”

I could be mistaken, but I don’t believe the author said the need was in order to have a good life. Could it not be said, that in order to experience the feelings of intimate love, one “needs” another person? When people say they “need” other people, I believe what is meant is, to access certain facets of yourself, you need certain relationships with other people to unlock those facets fully. Different kinds of relationships are needed to access different facets. So one does not “need” certain kinds of relationships to have a good life, but one who doesn’t have those relationships won’t experience certain facets within their life (for good or ill).

Actually, I much more prefer to be wanted than needed. Feeling wanted makes me feel more special and individual. If I’m in a relationship because she needs a man, that’s not very reassuring. I could just be the one who was handy at the moment. Needing me can turn into neediness, which is a major pain in the butt. Wanting me, however, is much more exciting. Wanting is seeking something delicious, but needing could be just getting a little fix. It’s also harder to imagine what it would look like to be “wanted too much” than it is to imagine being “needed too much.”

It’s much more flattering to be actively chosen by someone who’s independent and doesn’t need me but who wants to be with me.

Just out of curiosity, why change the subject when you change the verb? You compare wanting you specifically, vs needing a man, any man. I’d argue that being in a relationship with someone who just wants a man, any man, is just as “not very reassuring”. And wanting you can turn into possessiveness (you are a possession they want), which is just as annoying as neediness.

You are specifically looking at the negatives of one and the positives of the other, never allowing those unaccounted positives and negatives to be examined. Want can only be good, need can only be bad. this is a poor debating tactic that is at the root of much of the feminist hate rhetoric that exists (male privilege, patriarchy theory, etc).

You’re right, I was not being objective and balanced I my use of “I” statements referring to my feelings. That’s because in this particular instance I was not attempting a broad-based objective debate but in fact a statement of anecdotal observations about myself. I was floating a particular emotional, irrational, perspective. You’re right, if I were seeking to win a debate of some kind this would be a terrible tactic. Thank goodness I wasn’t trying to win a debate.

As for hate rhetoric, I admit I am at a loss to see the connection between what I wrote and misandrist variants of feminism.

True, there are extreme forms of wanting and extreme forms of needing. Being wanted and being needed each come with positives and negatives. So stipulated.

Perhaps it’s just semantics or my own quirky connotations that I associate with words. I associate “desperation” with needing but not with wanting. I associate wanting with having some discrimination of taste, while needing seems to me more “anything will do.” Being really hungry can cloud one’s better judgment, while just wanting a particular dish gives you room to seek out the best. That’s the distinction I see, anyway.

I’ve known my wife since I was 11 years old and have been married for 37 years … you add it up and you’ll know my age. Definitely a different generation. I had the benefit of having a dad who was from a much older generation which didn’t have all the material need to make them happy as we do today.

I NEED my wife. The times she’s not home and staying at my daughters or her friends house, I sleep like crap. We don’t cuddle at night, we don’t even share a blanket but the fact that she’s not at my side is enough for my having a hard time sleeping. I cook and clean, she cooks and cleans. After the kids grew up, she started working and I’ve never stopped working. I know she knows how to open the car door, but I still do it for her … does she need me to do that? Heck no.

She and I argue about who passes away first. Neither of us want to acknowledge that one of us will pass away before the other. Will we survive when it happens, yup. Will we miss the other deeply, yup. Will our lives fall apart? Nope. There will be no replacing her if she leaves this earth before me. She filled a hole in my life that will be darker and deeper if she passed before me.

Want a good marriage? Barring abuse (I hate that I even have to mention it) work at it. Don’t give up on your making the most important decision you will ever make in your life. People with bust their ass and spend lots of money and energy with fixing a car, a house, electronics and appliances. Use that same energy in your relationship. There were times I wanted to pack my bags and walk but I look at my wife and say to myself … “WTF am I thinking?”

Oh, one other thing. If you find yourself in a big argument, get naked, you can’t argue when you’re naked! First time you try it, your wife will laugh her ass off. Just say, “c’mon … get naked with me.” And see where the argument goes from there 

Depends on the amount, I suppose. After a few decades of a love affair with chocolate and bacon, I am afraid to find out what my cholesterol level is now, and I have chosen to ignore my family’s history of diabetes. Perhaps a bad relationship is a faster-acting poison….

My main point is that I don’t see why “not being needed” would really be a big problem. Very few of us really live a life in which we only have what we need and nothing else. I’m okay with the idea that men are no longer necessary, whatever the hell that means anyway. When have we ever dispensed with everything that’s not necessary?

I do have a problem with it being termed “men” aren’t needed, leaving an implication that men are the disposable ones, that have become nothing more than a recreational commodity. Men have enough issues relating to that male disposability as it is without reinforcing it further. If you want to say meaningful relationships aren’t needed, or romantic relationships, that’s fine. To each their own. I bring this up because, even though you don’t even know what it means to say “men are no longer necessary”, you seem perfectly fine in accepting it. And that’s not a good place for men, IMHO.

Imagine if someone said they were okay with the idea that (insert minority group) are no longer necessary.
Imagine the shitstorm, the outrage and indignation. No one would dare say there was anything “lovely” about it.

Need and being needed are part of basic human features. Denying it is just foolish.
Yes, we can shield us from pain and need… but that would make life much more boring and uninteresting.
Better enjoy the ride, while it lasts. 😉

So now, in her earlt 30’s, the author suddenly decides” hey, maybe I do need a man in my life!” . One can’t help but wonder if this revelation was influenced at least in part by that ‘ticking clock’ that seems to get louder to women right about at this point in their lives?

“But we still and will always need each other for companionship, emotional support, intimacy, to feel special and valued and cared for and safe, to be inspired. We don’t just want those things. We, as human beings, need those things.”

Exactly. We’re a social, interdependent species in a social, interdependent ecosystem. We need each other not in an “I’m incomplete with you” sort of way but in a mature, human “you make life so much more enjoyable” sort of way. Good relationships make the good times even better and the bad times a lot more bearable.

What I dislike about the term ‘need’ in this context is that it co.es with an implication that we deserve it. As a society, there’s a general sense that needs should be provided for, so we have welfare and food banks and all that stuff. What’s the sexual/emotional equivalent of a food bank? Suicide hotlines? As dar as each of us are concerned, it’s well and good to hear that the other gender needs us, but it’s a very different situation if the need is felt by someone who we don’t need back, i.e. someone who isn’t attractive to us. Want just makes so much more sense to use, as far as all the little implications go.

@mad adam: “As a society, there’s a general sense that needs should be provided for”

Nope. “Rights” are provided for (or they – theoretically – should be).
Needs, of course, aren’t (unless they are basic needs and are considered rights).
We have lots of needs, who should provide for them? Santa Claus? 😉

Only a child has his needs provided for by someone else; and, conversely, a person claiming his needs have to be provided by someone else is, basically, childlike. It’s a “gimme gimme gimme” attitude.

A “need” is something necessary to our well-being and happiness. We can survive without it, but we aren’t really happy or fulfilled without.
“Want” – OTOH – is something I desire, but I can do without; is “optional”. I need to be loved; I want to be rich: love is a necessity (although nobody can grant it to you), being rich is nice but not vital.

I think the author’s meaning was something like “We need a deep and meaningful relationship with the opposite sex, to live fully – And denying that need, is delusional and hypocritical”.
Many people like to think they don’t need each other, because that way they will not suffer; but they miss something big.

I love how Neely tries to peddle herself as a non-misandric writer, yet all of her articles discuss what men should do for women and none of what women should do for men. I prefer dealing with honest misandrists than conniving ones like Neely.

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