The Father Factor

The mommy wars continue. Should today’s women dedicate themselves more to their careers so they can “catch up” to men – to “lean in” as Sheryl Sandberg suggests – or should they dedicate themselves more to motherhood because their kids need them?

How about a third way?

I propose that if moms want to do better at both parenting and work, they have to “lean in” to fatherhood.

Yes, moms should do as much as they can to support the involvement of their children’s fathers in their children’s lives, because it will help them thrive at both home and in their careers.

How?

Research shows that two of the most powerful predictors of father involvement are mom’s perception of dad’s competence and the quality of their relationship with each other. In other words, moms can act as gatekeepers or gateways; they are largely responsible for either facilitating father involvement or holding it back.

When fatherhood is “held back” – when fathers are unable or unwilling to embrace the fullness of their roles – moms become disproportionately responsible for what is happening at home. And, logically, if mom is responsible for a disproportionate share of the tasks at home, it is going to be harder for her to dedicate herself at work as much as she may need to.

My own situation paints a picture. My wife and I both work full time, and my wife is fully supportive of my role as a dad. She lets me do things my way. I typically leave for work later than her and get home earlier than her, so I usually take our son to daycare and pick him up at the end of the day, I usually give him breakfast in the morning, and I usually cook dinner at night. He has Type 1 Diabetes, so I have to do what is needed to care for that complicated disease.

Because my wife trusts me to do these things with a level of competence, she is thriving in her career. When the daycare calls and there is an issue with our son, I usually take care of it, not because my wife is a bad mother, but because she is an hour away, and I am 5 minutes away. In other words, my wife rarely has to take off from work or leave work early to care for our son during the workday.

As an auditor who has to travel around the region quite a bit, if she was forced by circumstance (my absence) or choice (a belief that she parents better than me) to be the go-to parent for our son’s needs, her career would suffer. Neither her boss nor her clients would be able to count on her to be where she needs to be, when she needs to be there.

Furthermore, when she comes home from work, she doesn’t have to do all the housework and childcare by herself. We work together; she lets me contribute even though I do things differently. Thus, she is able to focus not just on “housekeeping,” but on being a mommy.

You may be thinking that moms obviously want help from dads. I think you are right, but it is part of human nature that we don’t always behave in a way that will get us what we really want. For example, mom wants dad to help at bath time, but vehemently criticizes him for using too much soap, so he is now reluctant to ever help at bath time again (this is a true story).

So, the key then is to help moms align their desires (more help from dad so she can thrive at home and work) with their behaviors (acting as gateways to father involvement rather than gatekeepers) so that moms, dads, and most importantly, kids, are getting what they need.

Based on feedback from hundreds of organizations around the country using NFI’s signature fatherhood programs, the new materials will help mothers successfully navigate their relationships with the fathers of their children. Specifically, it will give moms the knowledge and skills they need to effectively communicate with the fathers of their children and to understand the critical role fathers play in children’s lives. Understanding Dad™: An Awareness and Communication Program for Moms is the flagship curriculum anchoring this new initiative.

This is just another way that NFI is responding to what is happening in our culture with practical, timely solutions that move people from inspiration (something needs to be done!) to implementation (here is an actual program that we can start using today!).

Question: What do you think is the most difficult thing about parenting?

I understand what the author was attempting to convey. Unfortunately, I think the article is flawed and misses several important points. 1. Lean In – Perhaps men should help raise children that believe that “all men (women) are created equal”. In doing so, future generations of men may not behave as their fathers expecting women to act like men to advance professionally. As such, maybe we can raise young men who won’t believe the salaries of women should continue to pale in comparison to their male counterparts simply because women have different reproductive organs. 2. Kids Need Them – There is no evidence to suggest that children need mothers more than they do fathers. Why then does the author ask the question “should women dedicate themselves more to motherhood because their kids need them?” The truth is that children need both parents. It takes a male and female to dedicate themselves to procreation. There should be no less expectation or dedication to being great parents: mother and father. 3. Mom’s as Gatekeepers – Mothers are not and should not ever be thought of as gate keepers. This line of thinking is an impediment to providing a child with what they most need – two loving, dedicated and committed parents. Mothers do not bring life into this world on their own and as such should not be deemed the most qualified to parent or as the author suggest “Gatekeeper”. Female chromosomes do not make one more responsible or capable of facilitating or determining a father’s involvement. The expectation of any man who participates in a sexual act which may lead to the creation of a child should always be that he is expected to fully participate and be engaged in his child’s life period. This participation needs to occur without regard to the “Gatekeeper Mother”. Men don’t require gatekeepers for the other things that are traditionally important to us. Neither should men require gatekeepers for our greatest contribution to society and our most important relationship in the world. 4. Successful Navigation – Successful navigation should occur long before a child is born. Successful navigation is when two consenting adults who decide to have a child come to an early agreement and understanding that both parents are equals. Gender aside, male and female created the child, male and female should raise the child. Equal intimate participation must lead to equal parenting participation. To do anything other continues to foster the ineffective and detrimental ideology that mother’s biologically are the primary parent, the most capable parent and the parent who should determine the level of a father’s involvement.

The Father Factor Blog: News, tips, and tools for dads and those helping dads.