The Olympics are a cluster of rather useless events when you think about it. Yeah running and swimming are somewhat practical, but realistically most of the world – especially the USA – hates exercise and that is really all those two sports are. Besides them, from shot putting to equestrian jumping, nothing is a necessity or a daily activity for most average humans and none of them serve a purpose outside of burning calories. It is for that reason – and the fact the Olympics are so hot right now – that I wanted to write things/events/activities that should be included in the summer Olympic festivities. These things/events/activities are more relevant and take place regularly in our lives, show the versatility that the current “games” do not and are much more entertaining to the television audience.

Cooking – The most basic of survival tools. We can’t live without food and everyone prepares it at some time in their life. How is it therefore not part of the Olympics? This activity has been around longer than man realized the health benefits of flailing around in water, and well before they invented sailboats. Can’t you picture it though? An epic finale between Gordon Ramsey and the Cake Boss in the men’s dessert category. Rachael Ray versus Giada De Laurenitis in the all American women’s open finale. Come on, that is compelling television, and you know it. The Fox network doesn’t have 12 shows about sailing like it does cooking … Hell(s Kitchen), the Food Network exists for this reason exactly! Another cool thing about this would be all the variety that comes from different countries! It would also make for some wildcard judging and scores based off the randomness that are the human taste buds.

Tweeting/Texting –Every single person 500 M people tweet. With that number in mind, this would be an addition out of sheer fairness and competitive purposes. This could also be broken into a number of events, something the outdated Olympic committee seems to enjoy.

Side bar, take swimming for example. How many faux events are there? It should literally be swim from one end to the other. One distance and that’s it. Not different styles. Swimming is swimming, and like other exercises, people have different approaches and preferences to get it done. It’s no wonder Michael Phelps is destined to be the most decorated Olympic athlete ever, because there are so many different “events”. Clearly he is the best swimmer, you don’t need 30 ways to show it!

Imagine for a second if sex was an event. (Not a bad idea really, since reproduction is the most innate thing humans partake in. And Olympic village is one big orgy anyway …) The committee wouldn’t just recognize the fastest – err – slowest time, they would have the slowest time in missionary, doggy, reverse cowgirl et al. Ridiculous right? Sexy time is sexy time, how you go about finishing is up to you – and hopefully your partner. Same for swimming, you go end to end, however you like, and that’s it.

Even running has too many events. It should be as simple as short – for speed – medium and long – for endurance – and that’s it. The relays for example aren’t the four fastest runners, they are the four quickest baton passers. Now step back from this, truly think about that, an Olympic event is passing a phallic piece of metal as fast as you can … Unbelievable, and they have multiple of those races! Make them hold a hot potato or a soaped up time bomb, and we have a much more compelling, and natural, event.

Back to tweeting though, you could have different pointless styles of this too. The ‘what you are doing’ status, joke update and foursquare check in. Also the best part, I could theoretically compete, as I give good and regular tweet. Although more than likely the countries representatives would be determined by number of followers, and therefore America would have to send Lady Gaga … I wonder what she would wear?

Dancing – Finally an event the white male doesn’t have every advantage in, other than the marathon. (That said, get some Ryan Hall. One time!) Dancing has always been entertaining, good moves – Dancing with the Stars – or bad moves – America’s Funniest Home Videos. And as we have pointed out, the dumbasses on the Olympic committee believe in making one event have many forms, so for this you could have salsa, rumba and Macarena divisions! America has a secret weapon in this event too, and no, it isn’t Chris Brown, although no one would strike – pun intended – fear in their competitors more than this tatted up fool.

Stand Up/Improv – Now I know both sides, the stand up-ers and the improve-ers, will be pissed I joined them by a forward slash. For years they have had a comedic feud per say, although the naïve improv people still think it’s a joke that stand up folk don’t like them, but I digress. These two styles would make a kickass hybrid event and a hilarious one to boot. The Olympics as they stand are too stiff, too stuffy and this would relax the group and calm some nerves. On top of that, America couldn’t lose. Can you think of anyone funny that isn’t from America? Other than England – Jonathan Ross, Ricky Gervais et al – Russia doesn’t have a sense of humor, Germany hasn’t been funny since the Da Da Da commercial and most Asian countries shoot their people for laughing, I think.

Any X-Game Event –Danger. A huge oversight by those in charge of the Olympics. Outside of maybe shooting yourself in the foot, there is no eminent threat to one’s safety in any of the competitions. Get some big ass ramps out there and throw a stoned skateboarder or a baked biker on there, and that is interesting stuff.

Stripping – Now this one is a little different, and is a simply a strategic addition for ratings purposes. With this, you would obviously draw the degenerate male viewers, but as we saw with Magic Mike, the men’s competition would get equal airtime. This is a great swap for gymnastics, which comes across rather flat – pun again intended – on television. This also serves to give hope to single mothers everywhere – who don’t have the time or energy to excel at the current events – that they too can be Olympians.

Beer Pong – This is more to get the youth interested than anything and really any of the myriad of games involving beer could be chosen. Hell, that’s why a lot of kids create their own Beer Olympics ’cause there are so many drinking games these days. There are 1000’s of Universities throughout the world, and millions of students at each who participate in this recent pastime. The compelling part about it, maintaining. Yeah, you have to keep up your speed in running and stuff, but this you must also maintain balance, composure, eye-hand coordination, and all while getting buzzed off your ass … This could be some great television, much more interesting than table tennis, that’s for damn sure. (Actually, of the Olympic events, we hate to pick on table tennis; those Asians can eff-ing ball!)

Now with this in mind, you start to see the pointless-ness of the festivities, and when watching the Opening Ceremony tomorrow, your stomach may turn a little. And rightfully so. Get a bunch of people together in a huge spectacle to get you all jacked for 100-ish swimmers doing a zillion variations of the same thing … Instead of watching, I propose you just go have some sex and get a number of different ethnicity judges to rate your performance. Nerve-racking and enjoyable, yet also competitive.

Mike ‘Box’ Elder thoroughly wishes he was in London right now and getting all the benefits of being an athlete, without actually having to compete. Follow his other ambitions on Twitter @mikeboxelder.

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TCStarlight is Twin Cities - Minneapolis / St Paul - and Minnesota celebrity sightings, gossip, pop culture, sports culture and a podcast to boot. Highlighted by unique insight and irreverent humor, local writers drop some knowledge on the latest happenings like Ken Jennings did on Jeopardy.

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