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Jen Helant, Counselor

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 1286

Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.

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I knew of this women for many years since the mid 90s I would

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I knew of this women for many years since the mid 90's I would see her every morning after I met her she would get gas where I worked she gave me an excuse why she wouldn't go out on a date. She told me my car was junk and she wouldn't be seen in it. I know that means I'm not into you, but she told me where she lived and if I got a better car she'd see. Well she met some guy and moved away. He was very abusive to her 6 years ago she moved next door to me in an apt house, she said she didn't remember me. Well we started being friends again. Well i had a BMW this time . She would talk to me but only went out 1 time with me. She then met another guy who she said was so awesome so see started seeing him only to be abused again. And since then has had a few more adusive relationships. A few months back she started to get really friendly with me but told me she didn't trust me cause I was different than the other guys she goes for but she would always call me if she needed something. She would tease me about sex promise and not deliver. I would come close but she backed away all the time. I told her that that was OK I wanted to show her that i wasn't just after sex. I know she has problems and i asked her to get treatment. She didn't and now goes out with someone else who abuses her again. But she still wants to be friends. Its hard for me cause I have feelings for her. She says that she has a lot of friends but i know they aren't really good ones. Well she said that her new boyfriend really gets her. She got thrown out of her apt over this guy. But she still wants to keep in touch with me. Should I bother. I don't want to be used or be treated narrsicisum. When we were hanging out she sometimes would try to push my buttons so to say. To see how I would react to her. I'm a gentle guy and it seemed to bother her that i wouldn't get mad or act like a jerk. What up with that?

I think you have done the right thing with this lady. She has some serious issues because she enjoys being with men that abuse her. It may not be that she enjoys it consciously. This is definitely a subconscious situation, but she is probably so used to it that she allows it to happen and keeps finding the same types of men. The reason I believe that she may have treated you the way she did is because you were good to her. Women with these types of issues will actually push good men away. It is very sad, but she needs to get some type of help like counseling. The fact that you mentioned God's love to her was wonderful and it is sad that she did not look further into it.

jenhelant :

Since she is used to be treated badly this is why she could not handle it when you would not get upset and was gentle.

jenhelant :

This doesn't mean you should change your ways. You were doing the right things. The problem is she feels she deserves this negative treatment because she is so used to it.

Customer:

that wont change will it unless she gets the proper counseling right. shes 44 now. i guess this has been pretty much a life long pattern

jenhelant :

It can change, but she would need to be very strong or have the support of good people. However, counseling will be the quickest way. But the first step is within her. She needs to realize this is a problem and want help. If she does not do this then it doesn't matter what type of help she gets. But is she is willing to go to counseling that would also be a major first step. Do you know if she was abused as a child or maybe seen her mom get abused?

Customer:

should i continue to be friends at arms lenght and just move on? i dont have low self esteem and i know i will meet someone who doesnt have this problem. but i do have feelings for her i hope she is ok. she was always testing me . that got really tireing

jenhelant :

I understand how it can be frustrating. If you care about her then I don't see anything wrong with being friends with her. She probably needs someone that truly cares about her.

Customer:

yes she said her parents were drunks but so were mine i got help when i was ateenager

jenhelant :

That is good you got the help you needed. She may have not gotten that help and now she is in a pattern, so even harder to get out of. At this point she thinks its "normal"

Customer:

i would giveher masages for hours and she said she wasnt used to getting treated like that, but when i was done she didnt want to kiss or anything why was i just being used

jenhelant :

She is not used to getting treated so good. Not sure why she did not want to kiss. I don't think you were being used. Do you think she could see you as a friend only? Sometimes women only want men you do not treat them good and see the good men as friends. It is crazy, but subconsciously it is what they are attracted to. Do you think that could have had something to do with it?

Customer:

she wrote me off fast for this guy who is 34 and acts like he is 5 and he hits her. how is that getting her and i dont.

jenhelant :

It is ridiculous. I agree. She has something good in front of her and doesn't see it. It is very sad.

That relationship probably won't last long. If you continue to be her friend then maybe she will finally get the help she needs then the two of you can be in a relationship. People can change. It's not easy, but not impossible

Customer:

maybe but she said that if it didnt work out with this guy she'd go out with me . i dont want tostart something and end up hurt again. i dont know how and dont want to learn how to mistreat women. should i learn how to be not so nice and available but not hurt anyone .

Customer:

im mister nice guy but im not a weakling or a door mat

Customer:

thank you

jenhelant :

I agree with you. You are NOT a door mat, but I don't think you should let that change you. You are one of a kind. Its hard to find a good man and you are one of them, so don't change then you will just be attracting the wrong person. You want someone who will love you for you. It may take some time, but if it doesnt work out with her you will then find someone that will like you for you and treat you as you want to be treated.

If she said she would go out with you if it doesn't work out with that guy and she is planning that I would think twice before going out with her in that situation

jenhelant :

I would be her friend for a while longer and have her appreciate you and get to know each other better. Even try and support her for her to get help

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