Gently brushing aside the questionable morals and ethics of Grindr, as well as the seedy picture it paints, I’ve recently staggered upon a more pressing problem: a horde of straight men seem to have stumbled upon the app, and it’s peeked their curiosity.

I’ve come to call this ‘straights on vacation.’

We’ve all sported crushes on our straight friends, most likely when we were younger, but what’s recently occurred to me, after a few conversations of a slightly questionable nature with a ‘straight’ male (who came complete with girlfriend) is that Grindr is full of bi-curious and married men who are simply here to ‘try it’ not to buy it.

What’s wrong with this? Well, I’m not sure what your feelings are on the matter, but I severely dislike being treated like a piece of meat or, more aptly, a quick snack.

It may cyber-tickle some guys in the right place; the idea of a seemingly straight guy falling prey to your animal magnetism is flattering (I mean, we are fabulous) but if you really look at it, past the provocative pictures and school-boy fantasies, it’s really not that flattering; it’s actually down right degrading.

I’ve been comfortable with my sexuality since the age of 13. I knew who I was then, and do so now with a lot more gumption. So I can’t fathom why some people still linger on the edge of Narnia’s exit wing.

It’s 2013, and society is becoming somewhat blasé about guys liking guys. Why then is it that Grindr is littered with quasi-hetros, married men and ‘bi’ guys that simply “want to try it”? Clearly you’re harbouring same-sex tendencies, and likely have done for a while. If you’re willing to create a profile, then chances are you’re a friend of Dorothy – perhaps, albeit, a secret one.

It belittles the gay community; the fact that we’re seen as mere playthings by some orientation-challenged men who, once they’ve had their fun, toss us to the side like last season’s clothes is degrading. Many people struggled with their sexuality and for some coward to come along and request us to do the job that his girlfriend/wife can’t, and then simply ignore us afterwords, is pathetic.

As if it’s not bad enough that most Grindr users butcher the English language, “Mt 4 NSA? Cnt Accom” whilst simultaneously failing to even conjure up the simplest romantic quip (‘Hung’ isn’t wooing or romantic, it’s an adjective) the ‘straights on vacation’ pose a very serious risk to us.

It’s a danger because these ‘quasi-gays’ tempt and lure; they flirt and build trust. They request pictures, get their jollies and then suddenly vanish and we’re left lingering, feeling empty, scratching our heads and pondering where they went (just tell yourself that their passport expired and they’ve been deported back to Narnia. It’ll soothe the burn.)

This may seem like harmless fun at the time, but it’s at your expense. If said hetro, who is merely here to try things on, not to purchase, slips into something he rather enjoys and is caught out, who’s automatically the bad guy? The gay party. Annie, get your gun. Launch a witch hunt; gather your pitch forks and light the fire; them damn here homosexuals are at it with their ‘man stealing” ways again; luring the men-folk over to the dark side; naughty, naughty gays.

Forgive my bluntness but if you aren’t man enough to admit what you want, then kindly desist from making moves on us. We aren’t toys, or play things. We are not here simply to slate your curiosity. We’ve had the courage and conviction to admit, not only to ourselves, but to the world who we are.

We’re not here to dispense naughty pictures for you to get rocks off too, for a fool around in your car or be your bit on the side. We are not a novelty; we are humans – humans that are a lot braver than you.

Get your faux-girlfriend to tie her hair back, drop her voice an octave and alleviate your crippling sexual desires. Call it roll playing; make the moves on her brother. God, do what you want, just do it elsewhere and leave us alone.

Your vacation is over.

Christopher Gen tweets @tophergen

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