Athlete encourages Stamford's LGBT youth to stay strong

Eve Sullivan

Published 11:36 pm, Saturday, March 22, 2014

Former athlete and LGBT advocate Akil Patterson gives the keynoe address during the Stamford Coalition for Respect's Coming Out to Open Arms! event at the UConn Stamford Campus in Stamford, Conn., on Thursday, march 20, 2014.

Akil Patterson gives the keynoe address during the Stamford Coalition for Respect's Coming Out to Open Arms! event at the UConn Stamford Campus in Stamford, Conn., on Thursday, march 20, 2014. Patterson is an LGBT advocate and former athlete.
Photo: Jason Rearick

Julia Wade talks about her son, Ben, coming out to her during the Stamford Coalition for Respect's Coming Out to Open Arms! event at the UConn Stamford Campus in Stamford, Conn., on Thursday, march 20, 2014.
Photo: Jason Rearick

Panelist Becky Lotstein listens to Rev. Ted Smith speak during the Stamford Coalition for Respect's Coming Out to Open Arms! event at the UConn Stamford Campus in Stamford, Conn., on Thursday, march 20, 2014.
Photo: Jason Rearick

Panelist Rev. Ted Smith speaks during the Stamford Coalition for Respect's Coming Out to Open Arms! event at the UConn Stamford Campus in Stamford, Conn., on Thursday, march 20, 2014.
Photo: Jason Rearick

Superintendent Dr. Winifred Hamilton speaks during the Stamford Coalition for Respect's Coming Out to Open Arms! event at the UConn Stamford Campus in Stamford, Conn., on Thursday, march 20, 2014.
Photo: Jason Rearick

Using humor in his speech, Patterson said he was a college football player and wrestler who was not only gay, but didn't fit the stereotype of a gay man. The stress of that led him to heavy drinking, use of pills and entertaining thoughts of suicide.

"I wasn't supposed to be gay. I didn't like 'Will and Grace.' I didn't like the color purple. I thought that was for royals. I didn't like dance music," he said.

Patterson was the keynote speaker at "Coming Out to Open Arms," a presentation by the Stamford Coalition for Respect, an organization that provides information to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth and their families through education, visibility and advocacy. Several other members of the community, gay and straight, spoke at the event, which was held in the General Re Auditorium. Their speeches were followed by a panel discussion.

Patterson said he struggled with his sexual orientation for years, mostly without any support. Even though he didn't come out publicly until 2011, teammates suspected he was gay and called him names.

He entered the University of Maryland in 2001, with his inner turmoil increasing. While people were concerned about the terrorist attacks in New York and the sniper in nearby Washington D.C., he said he was trying to come to grips with his sexuality and how to tell his Christian parents, whom he believed wanted the perfect Christian son. Drawing laughter from the crowd, Patterson said he was a "tobacco-chewing, beer-drinking" guy, who even shot a deer. He said he was from upstate New York, where those things are the norm.

His grades began to suffer and his behavior became erratic, on and off the playing field. He said he was getting into fights with everyone.

"Trying to find yourself during this time -- you fight, you struggle," he said.

In part a result of his difficulties, he transferred to California University of Pennsylvania, a school in a rural area near the West Virginia border. Being a closeted black man there didn't make things better, he said.

"I said, `I don't want to be here,' " he said. " 'I don't want to play football anymore.' "

A turning point was when he and his best friend went to Europe, where he saw that "gay is whatever you want it to be." He met other gay men who had come out, and saw men walking around with their boyfriends.

Upon returning home, Patterson said he finished college, traveled the country and realized that "being a gay black in sports can exist." He went on to become a youth program leader for Athlete Ally and general assistant for academic support and career development at the University of Maryland.

Patterson told students on the panel they can become anything they want -- Supreme Court Justices, senators, mayors -- regardless of their sexual orientation. He said they should be proud.

McDonald said they are in the middle of a "remarkable time," but acknowledged that there are still people who are not accepting of the LGBT community.

Winifred Hamilton, Stamford superintendent of public schools, said she was pleased to be part of the discussion, which she described as a "first-of-a-kind event." She said a lot of violence, political fights, wars, even divorces, are due to a lack of respect for people who are perceived as different.

"People need to respect our choices and who we want to be and who we want to care about," Hamilton said.

She encouraged the students to continue with their struggle for acceptance, and never to doubt that a small group of people can make a difference because that's how change is usually started.

Board of Education member Julia Wade, whose son is gay, said accepting her son's sexual orientation has involved a type of grieving process.

"We really needed to put to bed the dreams we had for him, that we didn't know we had -- marriage, kids," she said.