Pinterest Nightmare #336: Walk The Plank, Fatty!

We don’t care for most activities that require prolonged sweating. If we sweat, we’d have to change our yoga pants during the day and… just how many yoga pants are two women supposed to own anyway? You see the problem.

But we do concede that it would be nice to walk to the mailbox without being winded. Thus, we think we want to get fit.

Well, that’s not entirely accurate. We’ve been *thinking* we might want to think about getting fit. Oh, FINE…we’ve been *considering* that we might want to think about thinking about getting fit.

But, no! Self.com was not kidding! They even taunted me a little by writing that all I needed to perform this maneuver was a floor and a wall. I don’t know. I’m thinking an elaborate system of levers and pulleys might not hurt, but what do I know?

The first step listed was “start in plank position”. Oh, no. That was going to be a problem. You know about THE PLANK, don’t you?

No, not the photo meme phenomenon where everyone took pictures of themselves lying on top of things…no, not the thing prisoners have to walk in a pirate movie before they plunge to their death… the *fitness* move plank.

A fitness plank is sort of like getting in push-up position, lowering yourself to your elbows, and holding yourself for a million years until all the fat has drained away from your body. Or something. I’m not a certified expert or anything.

I tried a plank once, and we’ll just say it didn’t end well. Before I could get down on my forearms, my left wrist almost snapped leaving me in a heap on the floor. This didn’t bode well for The Wall Climb at all.

But I pressed on because if you are *considering* you might want to think about thinking about getting fit, you cannot give up at the first sign of difficulty. Plus, you totally look like you are flying like Superman if you do this move. Sweet!

Sadly, it was not to be. I had to quit attempting this move to keep from sustaining a closed head injury since my face kept slamming against the floor.

Thank goodness there were more pins to see!!

Pinterest Nightmare #336b: The Side Slimmer

As pinned from “The No-Equipment Workout Workouts” on Self.com

WOW, right?!! She looks like a happy, fitness starfish!

Even though I was sure my starfish pose would look more like Patrick on SpongeBob SquarePants than the lady from Self when I tried this maneuver, I did read the directions.

After you get yourself in a side plank (which I point out is an upper level plank maneuver best left to an anti-gravity chamber) I was told to “raise your right leg as high as you can until it is barely touching wall”.

No problem! My foot was not touching the wall at all! That’s mostly because I was already sitting in front of the TV watching a DVR’d episode of The Voice and eating a bag of Cheetos, but that’s just semantics. Technically my leg was raised (onto an ottoman) and my foot was not touching the wall at all!

It feels so good to have a fitness success under my belt!

Oh, Pinterest. No…just no.

**We know some of you are going to try tell us that “Climb the Wall” and “The Side Slimmer” are really not. that. hard. Pfftt. Pictures or it didn’t happen.

The plank always makes me feel like I have jelly for arms. That starfish woman looks like she is smiling but I bet she is grinding her teeth in a plastered smile muttering, “Take the damn picture!” I’ll stick to walking upright on my treadmill or chasing Gia (that counts, right?).

I “almost” became a fitness blogger but then realized how much I would rather sit on the couch with my kids and eat cheetos. I do happen to like the plank though – I may have to try these and let you know how it goes! Maybe we can all give it a whirl together at BBC Charlotte – what do you think?

Oh, we figured you for a planker, Ilene. You run and do yoga…and have arms that don’t flap when you point. You’re a fitness all-star.
We’re DEFINITELY not performing a plank of any kind at BBC. We can’t afford the medical bills, but we will happily stare in awe as you plank the heck out of it.

Hahaha…we KNEW you would enjoy some planks, Joi. That was a given. We’ve seen some of your fitness activities. We are 100% sure you could do a prettier starfish side plank than that fitness model. HANDS DOWN, no question. (Plus you could advise us on which pain reliever to take when we’re in agony from pulling every muscle in our abdominal area. You’re the total package)

I’ve done the climb the wall. It was awful. But when I acually got up there I was Like HOLY CRAP batman this is AMAZING! I also think its physically impossible to take a selfie while in that position. The side plank one I have yet to try. Planking is tough but good!

I think it would be impossible to take a selfie while you are defying gravity like that. I’m not surprised at all that you’ve already mastered the move, though. Your blog was the first one that introduced me to the fitness plank!! You’ve got those things in your rotation. It’s beyond impressive!

Ok, the “smile” on that woman’s face in the 2nd photo looks more like a grimace. She is totally screaming at them between clinched teeth, “HURRY UP AND TAKE THIS THING ALREADY!” Seriously. She looks like she’s in pain and/or about to fall.

I will admit I’m intrigued to try the first one simply because I think it is probably do-able with LOTS of practice, but I would not attempt it in my state of lack of fit. I think my middle kid, who is my monkey, could do it – but he’s 9, and (as mentioned before) totally part monkey so…yah. Leaving that alone.

The 2nd one? As I said, she looks like she’s in pain or something and I think 99.9% of people trying that would fall flat on their faces and break something. In fact, she looks about ready to achieve that part of the exercise, because you totally know that is the last official step – fall on your face and repeat! Just sayin’.

I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who finds these “exercises” unattainable, and I so wish those websites would stop teasing us with these! They totally require extra equipment, you know, like abs and balance and nerves of steal (since you’re totally gonna fall on your face and you gotta be brave to try it knowing that). False advertisement or bait and switch at its finest! 😉

Exactly, Julie! The extra equipment I’m going to need is a stretcher to wheel me into the ambulance. That’s not nothing!
(I think the only way to get out of the starfish thing is to fall. How can it be otherwise?)

Ok I just had to try it. I actually like planks although I forget to do them unless I am at a class where the instructor tells us to. The walk the wall one is not as bad as it looks and the other one, well forget it, that’s just not comfortable at all. I could do it if I really tried…but why. It’d take an awful lot of planks for me to look like her.

Did you actually just type “Walk the Wall is not that bad”? GAH!! To heck with looking like that fitness model, anyone who thinks that move is “not that bad” is a superstar!! Color me impressed. (And I think “but why” to all planks)

Okay as a novice in the whole get fit thing, yeah, planks are NOT easy!! But they are doable – you start off slow and just work your way up to longer times. But you have to condition yourself to do them. I’m at 30 seconds now on the plank position so that’s good…I think….but yeah, she was totally waiting for the camera man to take the shot…photo shop totally removed the redness and sweat from here face for sure!!

hahah, but there are so many ways to do that with Photoshop and with just a camera. I can do stuff like that! (photography wise) I do think it might be legit, however, and that fills me with fear. I’m going to get my butt kicked. I can’t do anything even remotely, vaguely like that!

What an amazing website, they just have it all.
Your comment about the cheetos reminds me of an old physical fitness commercial – guy is sitting on the couch, drinking a coke and voice over says “no one can say anything about our wrists”

Bwahahaha! “She looks like a happy, fitness starfish!” I might have peed a little. And though I am NOT a Sponge Bob fan, Patrick does have it down pat. He he. Get it. See what I did there? Yeah, I’m cool. No. Planking is not for me. I’m sure of it.

What’s funny is not that you found this on Pinterest but that I own a digital subscription to Self magazine and last month’s issue were these moves in video form and I’m all like..I can do this and tried and failed miserably! What am I a spider? It’s too cray cray for me.

Don’t you think tips for “getting” fit should be of women who aren’t fit? If you have to be an Amazon to do the maneuver, you probably don’t need the tips. I want to see a 250 lb. woman doing something real women can do. Then maybe it’s worth getting off the couch to try.

I’m pondering considering thinking about getting fit. But I’m with you — I’d need to buy more yoga pants first.

When I hear the word “plank,” I just think of a nice, greasy, beer-battered and deep fried piece of fish. I commend you for considering to think about thinking about fitness. I’ve been over here rationalizing with myself that chasing after a crawling 10 month old is enough cardio for one day. 🙂 Love your pinteresting posts!

Um, yeah. I don’t sweat except when it’s 100 degrees outside and I’m sitting on the patio sipping lemonade. Those positions are the reason that I laugh when people talk about how easy pilates and yoga are. Easy to watch, maybe. I tried doing those side situps, kinda like that starfish maneuver, when I was far more active, and they suck. Period. Cheetos are better.

Um…no. Just no. I can’t even do a lunge at this point, so no no no NO. Perhaps a stroll at the park is more up our alley, eh girls??!!! Then of course we could stop to sit on a bench in the sun… take a water break for an hour. LOL

I think her feet is on the floor and her hands are on the wall. They just flipped the picture. Or she has amazing upper body strength. I don’t know.
But I don’t think anybody should be trying that for the first time without a medic around. I couldn’t even pull myself up on one of those bars. My arms just wouldn’t cooperate 🙁

Actually I think walking the PIRATE PLANK and plunging to my death in the throws of Davy Jones’ Locker would be easier than this other suggested plank. What are they thinking ???! I laughed out loud as I read over the comments and the actual “needed” equipment …

Hahahahaha. EXACTLY!! That kind of plank I could actually DO at least. (and both would kill me). At least with the pirate plank I’m on a boat with the wind in my hair and not crumpled in a heap against my stupid wall and floor.

I thought about trying those moves, but then the mental picture of how flaily and broken I would look made me start laughing. Hard. I almost choked.
I’m pretty sure that had to burn at least a few calories, and so still counts for exercise. Right?