Love as a Revolution Totally Sucks

I’ve missed this space. But I hope it hasn’t been too long since we last connected. The piece below came to me during a morning reflection earlier this week. I’d been experiencing interpersonal issues with someone very close to me and was wrestling with myself as to the best way through to the other side.

I’m not sure why I’m sharing it… I guess I’m hoping that others who’ve experienced deep feelings of frustration, with their beliefs or themselves, will reach out so we can at least give each other a virtual hug.

Here it goes,
Spectra

Love as a Revolution Totally Sucks

Leading with Love, especially when you’re hurt, angry, wounded etc, is so difficult, mainly because it’s… well, just plain unfair.

Really, to repeatedly “rise above” the most frustrating, painful, or otherwise emotionally debilitating situations due to racism, sexism, homophobia, other power struggles, or even our personal relationships, practically demands we deny our human instincts: to flee, to defend, to scream in the face of violence.

And all for what? For the sake of “elevating ourselves”, and in so doing, others, to a lighter, healthier place? Why should I have to bear the burden of elevating so many other assholes to a lighter place?? Why should people who continue to wreak havoc upon those with less power benefit from the rest of us trying to be our “best selves”?

On days like these – when I can feel my blood about to boil over, and I have no patience to teach others how to treat me better, and would rather just open my mouth and use my literary talents for revenge, I have to remind myself that the alternative is much worse.

Succumbing to my emotions, placing my own needs above everyone else’s, reacting from a place of anger, pain, and whatever else – especially against people who I do not understand, and I feel so strongly have wronged me in some way – doesn’t make me any better, or different; it just makes me a hypocrite.

And I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I want to use as many tough moments (as I have capacity) to practice re-centering myself in compassion. I want to nurture my curiosity about others feelings and emotional contexts so diligently that it eventually begins to kick in more often than my survivalist instinct to fight or flee.

I want to walk the talk, practice what I preach, be able to look others and myself in the face, and do much better than say “do better”, but “well done.”

That said, I’m human. So, on some days, my emotions do get the best of me, and I clam up, retreat, raise my voice, say mean things, and I let myself down.

Rather than beat myself up, I need to remember that this is okay, too. Because it reminds me that I’m no better than the folks I’m trying to “rise above.” That personal growth is one half perspective, and one half harsh truths. And that the most important thing to remember isn’t the person you are, or even the person you’re striving to be, but the journey that exists between the two.

Don’t ever stop trying.

Dora Ng

thank you Spectra, you have taken a muddy mess of emotions that have been stewing in my heart and given it form. hugs to you and your struggles, may we all have the strength to carry on with love.

John Brier

Hi, I saw your request on Facebook for comments so here goes.

Based on the title of this, and how you started the article I was worried you were going to say “to hell with love,” but I’m glad you didn’t. I love love and compassion and I love how spirituality influences your work. As someone who also puts a high priority on personal growth and as a writer, I especially loved the whole last paragraph, your definition of personal growth seems spot on to me, it’s learning all the ways of being (perspective), and then looking at the ways we are currently being (harsh truths), and lining them up in the way we’d like to be. And your point about the journey being more important than who we are, or who we strive to be is particularly relevant to me as I have been growing into new ways of being. You made those two points succinctly and clearly. As for personal growth, I find it easy to set high standards and be overly critical on the journey, and to forget the journey. Recently I had to step back and acknowledge, and even bless myself, for my successes in order to give myself some slack on my journey, so I can see I don’t need to be so critical, that I’m making progress just fine.

http://www.outgrained.com Joby Gelbspan

Thank you for this – and for all that you share, whether frequent or occasional, it is treasured.

I deeply relate to your struggle with anger and love and I have to work really consciously to embrace the more enabling and connected path (love) when that is possible. The more I am reminded of that the better. But I also work to forgive myself when I do get frustrated or need to prioritize my own emotional well-being or even safety above all, I hope you’re also cutting yourself that kind of slack.

I want to stay open, to genuinely connect. It’s the best way to listen, understand and actually be able to grow myself and hopefully impact others in positive ways, rather than shutting them down. But in particular cases, when someone has really harmed you and made it clear they will do so again, there is also a point where distancing yourself and prioritizing your health and your ability to create your own magic in this world is legit and even wise. It shouldn’t be a pattern or a go-to strategy, but I think it is a necessary option.

Since you are also referencing interpersonal struggles with those who are close, you got me thinking about how severing ties with my abusive family was a really important step I had to take in order to be able to do all of the other, more important things that I need to do in this world. It wasn’t out of anger or revenge, which can definitely be toxic, but growing up in that environment did not prepare me well to assert my boundaries and needs and to be forgiving toward myself, so I do also have to remind myself that self-protection is not always selfish. But I am determined not to let that experience deprive me of the ability to follow a path of love and to hope and try for that connection with everyone I meet. Your writing often helps me stay focused on that.

Oh, and I’m seriously going to print this line to hang in my space, as encouragement & reminder: “I want to nurture my curiosity about others feelings and emotional contexts so diligently that it eventually begins to kick in more often than my survivalist instinct to fight or flee.” That is one of the best things I’ve ever read… thank you.

http://www.awomanofsubstanceandcharacter.blogspot.com Theresa Doghor

Love things
I believe jare!

Mimi Mwiya

Thank you so much for sharing this,Spectra! I recently had a big fall-out with someone I considered a good friend and everyday has been a struggle for me to forgive and keep loving… I think this will at least see me through the year and by then my love might have been replenished! :-)