Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Nothing in this post is remotely related to my writing. This is a social post only. If you're looking for any of my stories in this blog, look to the navigation bar to your right. Most everything else here is story related.

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Every now and then I post a late night stream of consciousness and one social network or another. I could tell this one was going to run long, so I decided a blog might be a better outlet for it.

I struggle with a lot of things. I over think, I analyze, I worry, I reconsider. I go over conversations repeatedly in my head. Conversations I've already had, and I'm considering how I could have said something better, or if something I said might have been misconstrued. I think about conversations I haven't had yet, and structure things I might say so that I can explain my thoughts in a more coherent, articulate manner. I think about how my actions affect those around me, and how I can better present myself. I try to plan the future, I criticize the past, and I try not to forget about the present.

Point is, I tend to think. A lot. Yet one of the things I think I have done well is to simply be genuine. I try to be honest, and I try to be honest with myself. I fail sometimes, sure, but overall I think I've managed it pretty well. I don't pretend to be invincible. My feelings get hurt, and I think about what happened, or I talk to someone about it, and I process it, acknowledge, and try to move on. I'm not good at putting on a mask to save face or seem without fault. My feelings are usually pretty obvious - whether I'm scowling or snapping at someone I dislike, or tripping over myself for someone I'm infatuated over.

I'm a nerd, and I own to it. Someone asked me tonight why I was wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog shirt. My answer - Why not? It's a shirt. I'm not going to wear an outfit approved by TLC's latest fashion show for the benefit of those around me. I wear what I'm comfortable in, and so what if it has Star Wars on it. Yes, I dress up for special occasions, I can wear something nice when a little effort is called or and appreciated. But around my peers, I'll rock the Atari shirt all day long, because why pretend? I'm a geek, and you're going to figure that out sooner or later, so why not sooner? If it would be a problem, we should get that out of the way now. And if I find someone who says, "Nice shirt, I love Sonic", then I've just made a connection, and maybe it could go somewhere.

Similarly, I don't generally feel the pressure to be ripped or buff. I would like to get in better shape, primarily for health reasons and general comfort, but I try not to do it because I think looking thinner would make me any better of a person. I mean, I find that I actually enjoyed running and at some point I need to get back into that, and I would like to lose some weight so I generally feel better. That said, I don't want someone who uses my appearance as their only evaluation. I've been told, flat out, that someone wouldn't date me because they weren't attracted to me - even if we got along brilliantly and could have worked otherwise. And that's fair - there has to be something there, and I respect that.

I have long since lost track of how many times I'll be walking down the street with a friend and someone will pass us going the other way. And my friend looks over, and says something along the lines of, "Man, did you see her? Hot. Like, at least a 10 out of 10. Actually I think she turned it up to 11." More often than not, I didn't even notice. I was only vaguely aware of another body passing me. Someone said it was becauseof my cerebral nature, which I suppose sounds cool, but basically its just not what I notice about people. I notice certain details - eyes, a smile - but what it isn't what I fall in love with. I have never looked at someone without knowing them and felt a sudden rush of longing or emotion because they were attractive. Instead, I find myself falling for what lies beneath the surface. I have fallen in love with a smile. I have fallen in love with someone's sense of humor, or sharp wit. One in particular, I fell hard for. Sure, the attraction was there - in spades - but when I think back to those days, I don't think about her chest size or how her jeans hugged her hips. I remember the sound of her laugh, and to this day when I hear someone with a similar laugh it always turns my head, even though I know it's not her. She's on the road.

In the end, I just try to be genuine. I try not to waste my time with people I have no interest in being around. And, in the other hand, I will fight tooth and nail for the people I care about. And I will always be there for my friends. I will go to war for them, I will ride a bike to their house at 3 am because I have no other way to get to them, just so that I can let them tell me about their awful night. In the end, no matter how much I might struggle with the eternal cycle of existential crises that parade through my mind, I know I'll be fine as long as I stay true to my friends and true to myself.

Someone I have immense respect for told me tonight that I have a good soul. I may not be many things, but as long as I have a good soul? Well then frankly, to hell with the rest.