Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Donald Trump is reportedly eyeing a 20% slash of federal
workers. Mostly in areas that he no longer feels are necessary to the country.
Like the diplomatic corps.

Donald Trump is reportedly eyeing a 20% slash of federal
workers. His next goal will be finding something for the other 80% to actually
do every day.

A report says ads in 20 cities offer to pay people $2,500 to
demonstrate at Donald Trump’s Inauguration ceremonies. Which is right in line
with Trump saying his presidency would result in the creation of more jobs.

China says it is planning to build a super, super computer
that can perform a billion billion calculations every second. Which would
mostly be used to help the U.S. stay up to speed on figuring out the total of
the national debt.

China says it is planning to build a super, super computer
that can perform a billion billion calculations every second. The hardest part
was figuring out how to slide all those beads on wires around that fast.

Wal-Mart says it plans to create 10,000 jobs in the U.S.
this year. Mostly for a place that sells goods cheaply enough where the people
who work at Wal-Mart can only afford to shop.

Wal-Mart says it plans to create 10,000 jobs in the U.S.
this year. Mostly for the people working in public assistance to help with all
the services that are needed by the people working at Wal-Mart.

Bayer says it will invest $8 Billion in the U.S. that will
create 3,000 jobs. Mostly making aspirin for the headaches of anyone who
follows Donald Trump daily on Twitter.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will again watch a playoff
game in Atlanta this week, skipping the contest in New England. Some say it’s a
snub from Deflate-gate. Or it could be that it’s January and he would rather be
sitting in 70 degree weather than shoveling his way out of a snow covered
parking lot.

Several universities like UMass, Amherst and Oregon State
are creating safe spaces to combat toxic masculinity. Although any schools that
are calling for safe spaces don’t really have an issue with excess masculinity
on campus in the first place.

Some Chinese are taking “lung cleansing” trips to get away
from the widespread smog in their country. You know things are really getting
bad there when people are flying half way around the world for clean air and
end up vacationing in L.A.

A governor in Mexico says children there are being given water
instead of chemotherapy treatments. Although anyone who has ever drank the
water there knows even cancer cells would be gone after just one bout of that
kind of diarrhea.

Officials say the government of Puerto Rico could collapse
if nothing is done about the economic crisis. The only problem is how will
anyone know when the government actually falls apart?

Officials say the government of Puerto Rico could collapse
if nothing is done about the economic crisis. Although no one is panicking yet
as that is what people have pretty much been saying every day for the past 75
years.

Arkansas lawmakers are asking for a ban on using food stamps
for junk food. Which is no big deal for the people there as long as they can
still buy corn mash, sugar, yeast and some copper wiring.

Arkansas lawmakers are asking for a ban on using food stamps
for junk food. That isn’t an issue for the people as long as the state doesn’t
prevent them from using their cards to buy all the necessary ingredients to
keep their meth lab running.

Arkansas lawmakers are asking for a ban on using food stamps
for junk food. The people are all in favor of it as long as they can still buy
food for a healthy Arkansas diet like hogfat, grits and fried catfish.

The three year search for missing Malaysia Airlines flight
370 has been suspended. Even CNN is saying it’s time to give it a break.

A report says U.S. airlines have increased the number of on
time arrivals and reduced canceled flights. Although it turns out United is
arriving more on schedule as when they are running late they just touch down at
the nearest airport.

Researchers have created a battery with a built-in fire
extinguisher. To which Samsung engineers are saying “Where were you guys six
months ago?”

Democrats are vowing to fight if Donald Trump fires the head
of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Which Trump might do just prevent
any action on behalf of all the people who were swindled by Trump University,
Trump Steaks or Trump Casinos.

A report says thousands of Verizon customers have not turned
in their Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones. Mostly members of ISIS who find while
the devices have reception issues, they can’t be beat for detonating suicide
bombing vests.

A study says 1 in 3 people diagnosed as asthmatics may not
have the condition. It’s just that when they see the cost of seeing an
allergist and buying inhalers makes them start gasping for air.

A study says looking at some works of art can help people
lose weight. Except the women who find they really like the paintings of Peter
Paul Rubens.

A study says parents who are rude to their children’s doctor
could harm their health. But not as much as telling the doctor that the
children aren’t covered by any health insurance.

A study says acupuncture can stop babies crying from colic.
Mostly by instead of them crying from stomach pain, they start screaming
because they are being stuck with a bunch of needles.

Mariah Carey and Elton John recently performed at the
wedding of the daughter of a Russian billionaire. John turned down an
invitation to perform at Donald Trump’s Inauguration, apparently figuring he
could just go instead to Russia and cut out the middleman.

Mariah Carey and Elton John recently performed at the
wedding of the daughter of a Russian billionaire. Which at least as far as
Carey is concerned, fortunately they don’t beam “Dick Clark’s New Year’s
Rockin’ Eve” into Russia.

Margot Robbie is set to star in a biopic playing Tonya
Harding. She has been seen on set transforming into the role, meaning other cast
members and crew have to stay their distance to keep from being hit with the
tire iron she keeps flailing around.

Lady Gaga has been preparing for her Super Bowl performance
in her back yard. Coincidentally, the Cleveland Browns also practice for the post
season in their back yards, mostly by raking the leaves and washing down the
patio.

Rob Schneider got some backlash after a critical tweet he
sent out about Representative John Lewis. Although at least people this time
didn’t have to pay $8 and sit through an agonizing 90 minutes for some dumb
dialogue.

Some University of Oregon football players were hospitalized
after an intense workout. Apparently the coach made them actually pick up their
books and go to class.

Willie McCovey has been pardoned by President Obama for a
tax evasion conviction in 1995. Although Giants fans still can’t forgive him
for not hitting the ball just two feet higher in the 1962 World Series.

Several moving companies in San Diego are refusing to help
the Chargers with their move to Los Angeles. Apparently they figure keeping a
third rate football team in town keeps people away which means less
overcrowding.

Google will be releasing their watch made by LG on February
9th. Unfortunately, no one at Google actually used the search engine
to see that the market on smart watches is pretty much zero.

Jerry Seinfeld’s Internet show “Comedians In Cars Getting
Coffee” Is moving over to Netflix. The only question is whether anyone
subscribing can only watch it if their computer has Java.

A software engineer wants people to clog the Whitehouse.gov
website to protest Donald Trump’s Inauguration. The only problem is that people
are afraid to go to another page as they have just now finally been able to log
on to the Obamacare site.

Lowe’s says it will be laying off 2,400 workers. The good
news is they will all be rehired next week when Donald Trump starts his
presidency and orders 2,500 miles worth of materials to build a wall.

A report says Americans spent $89 Billion on apps in 2016. And
that doesn’t even include the cost of repairing the damage to their cars after
driving them into a tree while playing Pokemon Go behind the wheel.

Wells Fargo says it will shut down 400 bank branches through
2018. Mostly because those were the extra locations they needed for all the
fake accounts just got busted sticking their customers with.

Microsoft has labeled Windows 7 as “outdated” as it urges
customers to switch to Windows 10. Although anyone using a PC pretty much knows
that Windows 7 was outdated the day it was introduced in 2009.

Microsoft has labeled Windows 7 as “outdated” as it urges
customers to switch to Windows 10. Which is still better than the “junk,”
“worthless” and “unusable” labels that have always been used to describe how
people feel about Windows Vista.

A report says Americans spent 900 Billion hours using apps
last year. 100 Billion of those hours were actually spent using the apps, while
the other 800 Billion hours went to men making sure their wives didn’t find out
which apps they downloaded.

AT&T has disabled its 2G network as of the beginning of
this year. Customers were really excited about the news and finally getting the
chance to see what it is like to be upgraded to 3G.

Education Secretary nominee Betsy DeVos says allowing guns
may have a place in schools due to the threat of grizzly bears. Which would be
a way to make for more classroom time instead of always doing those weekly
grizzly-bear-on-campus drills.

Education Secretary nominee Betsy DeVos says allowing guns may
have a place in schools due to the threat of grizzly bears. Which would only
happen in the case of a school district naming its new superintendent as Sarah
Palin.

The CIA has published its entire history online, which
amounts to 13 Million pages of files. The trick is to find all three words that
haven’t been redacted.

The CIA has published its entire history online, which
amounts to 13 Million pages of files. Don’t we already have that? It’s called
WikiLeaks.

The CIA has published its entire history online, which
amounts to 13 Million pages of files. The worst part is how they infiltrated
the EPA to make it possible to completely defoliate twelve protected forests in
order to come up with enough paper for 13 Million pages of files.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Only two more days
until Donald Trump becomes the President of the United States. Which pretty
much means those people who believe in parallel universes are wrong. We ARE the
parallel universe. Oh, well. It could be worse. People before us have lived
through a major depression and two world wars. With us it will be different. We
will be dealing with all of that at once. Although I still haven’t lost hope. I
will get by as long as all of you remember to always keep on sending the love!