Long story short: I suffered CSA. I'm gay, haven't come out (though at 40 friends/family probably figuring it out). I have low self-esteem, low self confidence, i.e I don't feel any gay pride. I think I'm straight acting, but I don't know, I don't think about it much.

Last week I was walking home from work downtown and passed by a group of 5 teenagers, about 15 years old, they were trying to look punk-rock I guess, I didn't think about it. Right as the last one passed me he whispered "faggot". I didn't realize what he'd said til about 3 steps later. I kept walking, didn't look back. I felt scared, intimidated, angry, shamed, upset.

I keep stewing about it. How should I have reacted? What will I say or do when I see them again? They loiter around downtown a lot.

A couple of days later I was passing 4 different teenagers coming towards me, they were acting loud, agressive. I have a habit of talking to myself quietly, I'm not always aware I'm doing it. I was rambling something, not loud enough for anyone to hear. As they passed me one of them was loudly saying "better shut your fucking mouth bitch" and then I wondered if he was talking to me?

In my rational mind I think that I have to not give my power away, don't let others decide how I should feel about me, don't give them the satisfaction of upsetting me. But in my gut, all these feelings are triggered, part of me wants to take them all on, not let them walk all over me, stand up to them, etc. But I'm never going to get their respect anyway, I can't take on the whole world, or all the street kids I pass by on the way to work. That's another concern, that I'd become a target for verbal abuse from the them. Part of me is scared too. I don't know. I don't have a network of gay friends to support me, or give me perspective. Any feedback is welcome.

_________________________
Digging in the dirtStay with me I need supportI'm digging in the dirtTo find the places I got hurtOpen up the places I got hurt --Peter Gabriel

sounds like you need a lesson in gay pride 101. since im the most vocal homosexual in the chat room here.. (and i gave that title to myself) let me give you some advice. people are always going to hate you for one reason or another. they will hate how you look or how you dress or how you talk. they will hate you if you are straight or gay. thats just a part of life. i think you are picking up on it because you are insecure. the only thing that makes gay guys different from straight guys (beside the obvious sexual preference) is tough skin. the more you embrace your sense of self the more you will pick up on those around you being assholes. but it also builds up your skin. so in situations like the jerk who called you a faggot, you just keep walking. theres nothing you can say to him. theres no need to fight. you ARE a faggot. you just need to take pride in that and wear it well.

shadowkid
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437

somebody ought to teach those punks some fucking manners. faggot is a shitty word ,my dad always called me that even before i knew what it meant ,heh jokes on him i turned out straight lol.

_________________________
its not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

faggot is only a "bad word" when it is meant to be used in a negative way. people are so touchy about it. just accept it. i call myself a faggot all the time. or homo. or queer. so when someone calls me that, its okay because i am one. i dont hide it or cower in the corner. that only increases the jerks desire to torment you.

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