I'm starting to become a little like Jim Carry when he was in that movie "Me, Myself & Irene".

I'm slowly getting a little like the Hulk.

You all remembered that post about my bad summer when I returned and how I lost my home? The council refuses to accomodate me. I was so upset and a little angry, I had urges to freak out. When I got home, I started crying, I felt like smashing my fist through the wall. Now I feel guilt.

I was really getting somewhere with the whole meditation and de-attachment thing.

I had very horrible nightmares but 1 of them made some sense. It sounds horrible, I even felt sick myself but it was a dream involving sexual contact.

Before I became serious about Buddhism, I flirted a lot. Not for lust but for love. But being desperate can come off as slightly selfish & greedy. Being too needy shows attachment and attachment leads to suffering.

I think Buddha's sending some kind of message to me? What do you think?

Or maybe my state of mind is not clear enough and I need to meditate more?

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Siddhārtha, Gautama Buddha

You might want to try the Buddha's advise to Bahiya in Ud 1.10, where one removes all notions of "I", "mine", "myself" and simply observes everything as processes: the seen, the heard, the sensed, etc..:

Then, Bāhiya, you should train yourself thus: In reference to the seen, there will be only the seen. In reference to the heard, only the heard. In reference to the sensed, only the sensed. In reference to the cognized, only the cognized. That is how you should train yourself. When for you there will be only the seen in reference to the seen, only the heard in reference to the heard, only the sensed in reference to the sensed, only the cognized in reference to the cognized, then, Bāhiya, there is no you in connection with that. When there is no you in connection with that, there is no you there. When there is no you there, you are neither here nor yonder nor between the two. This, just this, is the end of stress. ~~ http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html ~~

As explained, my organs are slowly failing and my health is slowly deteriating due to my depression and numerous self-harm attempts.

I'm in hospital again, the doctors are going try and see if I can be stable from other methods but the chances are very low.

If my kidneys & liver a little stable, they say I might make it but will have to require several treatments like medication regularly or a monitor (this lets the doctors know the state of the organs and if I'll require a translant).

I just thought I'd give you an update. I know a lot of you were very upset, even some members who I rarely converse with.

Metta, AJ

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Siddhārtha, Gautama Buddha

May the deep awareness of the fragility of the human body and the impermanence of life lead you to attaining the path.

Metta.

He turns his mind away from those phenomena, and having done so, inclines his mind to the property of deathlessness: 'This is peace, this is exquisite — the resolution of all fabrications; the relinquishment of all acquisitions; the ending of craving; dispassion; cessation; Unbinding.' (Jhana Sutta - Thanissaro Bhikkhu translation)

---The trouble is that you think you have time------Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe------It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

just saw this awsome talk - i never listen to ajhan bram talks ever though i see them in youtube recommended bar from time to time - even though i got the time i dont have the power to listen to 1 hour talks - but i mindfully clicked this one 3 hours ago and listen a little and liked it and always planned to close it the next 3 minutes until i watched the whole thing -

i think it realated to your situation very very well - well actually my own also and i think everyones

I dont want to encourage people to start listening to to much dhama talks - its much better to meditate instead of watching videos unmindfuly- i think that even reading is better cause you can be a little mindful personally my back is killing me so i only read dhamma when i cant meditate

Whilst in hospital, I experienced something beyond. It's hard to describe but everything that made no sense to me is beginning to make sense.

I've basically got into the similar state Siddhartha was. I was constantly thinking, none stop thinking. Then I meditated (I am practicing meditation and hoping to get better at it).After that, I had this huge adrenaline rush and I got flashbacks. Flashbacks from my childhood, teen years till present and now, I feel different.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." ~ Siddhārtha, Gautama Buddha