Ain't science great?

June 18, 2013|By Ted Roberts

When it comes to objective, non-biased perceptions of my fellow human beings, I pride myself on my lack of bias. If three men in plaid Walmart shirts knock me down, kick me passionately in the ribs, and from my battered body remove my wallet — believe it or not — I would not hate the next human being I met wearing a plaid Walmart shirt! There, does that establish my neutrality of observation?

And much of my observation is focused on gender issues. I postulated the counter culture observation that Jewish women are different from men. Sure women can serve in the military, operate a jackhammer, and even solve a quadratic equation. So, don't get me wrong, we're not talking about inferiority, but simply about differences. Physiologically, they are obvious. My Uncle Max in his underwear is obviously different from Aunt Mamie. But we're talking subtleties. I was the first researcher in this field to notice — get this — that women cannot effectively wink. They have a tendency to close both eyes, which is improper. I've even met women who used their hand to hold open the non-winking eye. My friends, when I brought this egregious situation to their attention, immediately and cruelly attacked my experimental modus operandi. (Scientists are always skeptical of results THEY didn't discover.)

The Journal of Gender Differences headlined my observation on its cover. My jealous co-workers immediately attacked my sample size of two, my wife and my granddaughter. I thought it was clever of me to cover the extremities of age. Due to this furor among behaviorists, the Journal retracted my conclusion when they found I had mistakenly cited 2,000 subjects instead of two. Big deal. Two or two thousand or two million. It was still a worthy scientific contribution — as important as that government funded study showing that women DO NOT paint their nails while driving.

But despite my defeat on the no-wink issue, I've got a new hypothesis as solid as a rock and it's not like I've made up my mind before viewing the experimental data. The idea first came from a sample of one — my lovely wife. Yes, sample size one. Then another experiment.

I know I've nailed this one. I'll send it off to the Journal of Gender Differences this week. It's simple and it's based on a sample size of eight — eight, not two. Hypothesis: No woman watching a TV movie of normal length has ever seen the end of the movie. Why? The answer is elementary, Watson. She falls asleep on the couch every time. No matter the movie, no matter the cast, she's a goner in thirty minutes to an hour. This covers all female species, wives, girlfriends, aunts, nieces, friends, or your female feline. It never fails. I'll set up the experiment in my living room. First, a large supper, then I'll seat my female guests in our most comfortable armchairs. Next, the movie. Then: The Big Sleep. The scenario is always the same. 1) Excited chatter about the entertainment to come. 2) Total silence. 3) The soft sound of deep and rhythmic breathing. No, my wife does not snore. I then ask a few clever questions to deduce when she left the world of the waking.

And in my thesis to prove this scientific observation that I expect to verify, I must answer the "why" question. My answer is the soul of simplicity expressed in that old rubric: "A man works from sun to sun. A woman's work is never done." You're shuffling papers at work — she's doing the same or similar stuff and on top of that, in most marriages she's also provisioning the house, washing your clothes, and preparing meals. Funny thing, as predictable as her snooze on the couch, it never happens at the theater. Another gender difference; it's as though the frugal, thoughtful planner who is your wife or friend, mentally resolved to get her money's worth. "This cost me ten bucks. I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it."

Wait till the Journal sees this insight into the female psyche. Next investigation: Why does it take them so long to get out of the car? I really know, but I guess I oughta do the experiment before I reveal the results.