Relephant reads:

“Don’t fall in love with me.”

It seems every time I’ve used that sentence since my divorce (eight years ago now), I’ve gotten exactly what I didn’t ask for: the guy fell for me. Reverse psychology? Certainly, not intentional.

My divorce was amicable but painful. After 13 years, I choose to leave a good man who still loved me very much at the time. His suffering and my guilt over it ate away at me until I was ultimately and completely emotionally unavailable for anyone else.

I went through several relationships after my split, each time leading with that one warning: “This is for a good time not a long time. Don’t fall for me.”

Even though my intention was to do no harm, which to me meant not-committing—fear of karma, or worse hurt someone else again—each time I wound up in a soon to be doomed relationship with another victim left licking his wounds.

Looking back, I’m sure somewhere deep inside I wanted a relationship—true love and fairy sparks and not-so-consciously had my sights set on those industrious illustrious illusions of “forever” and “he’s the one.” (For sure this time.)

I’m not all that and a bag of kale chips! So, why did these decent guys keep buying in to a bad package deal?

I didn’t do it on purpose. As my best male forever friend says, “We’re all here just looking for love.”

And don’t feel sorry for those men. They’ve all moved on to find their perfect–for-them sweetheart! And here I am still flying solo. (Incidentally, we’re all on good terms and many of my exes have asked me for relationship advice, so I can’t be all bad.)

I decided to do some research to see if I was innocently (or at least sub-consciously) luring them in to feed my I-need-to-be-loved/desired/wanted ego.

I Googled® “how to make a man fall in love” and with plenty of sites offering an array of tips and tidbits, I found the answer to my high-success-rate-low-level love connections on Huffington Post.

In a simple, articulate article, the HuffPost author describes three ways of making a man fall in love with a woman. (Author’s descriptions.)

The Natural Way. This mysterious spark of nature cannot be defined. Not everyone gets to experience it but when it happens, you just know know know it. Whether chemistry, pheromones or unexplained animal attraction from across a crowded pizza joint… It. Just. Is. (I’ve experienced this. With my ex-husband. Go figure.)

The Devious Dastardly Way. (Oh dear.) Basically, it goes like this: Give. Withdraw. Repeat until the poor fellow is putty. (Insert guilty expression here.) Give genuinely and generously. Withdraw with reason. Go back and do it all over. Note: This is terribly manipulative even if subconsciously directed, but it confirms men like a challenge. The problem, aside from the obvious this-is-not-loving, is that the whole thing is insincere.

Infatuation does not = love!

Not only that, but this non-love game must continue to be played in order to keep him interested and more likely the game ends and the player (in this case the head-case chick) and the played-out (guy) both lose. Not good, lose-lose.

The High Road. Bring out the best in him. Encouraging his best self shows our best self. He’s less likely to be getting that elsewhere, and since energy flows where attention goes, those traits will grow. He’ll like that and love us for inspiring him to get there. Win-win.

There’s no right way or one way to “make” a man fall in love.

But there is a wrong way to entice a man that will leave all parties feeling poor-me. That sucks. (Trust me.)

I’ll admit I’ve inadvertently played this losing game. But I’ve also given genuinely and generously and been honest about my intentions. But even being up front about being “unavailable,” actions can mislead. Bad dog. I lose.

So, be a good person. Be accepting, loving, genuine and honest. And have an interesting and fulfilling life of our own so it gives men the perception of the chase without the negative side-effect of dangling the cookie. The right one will fit into our lives if/when he shows up. (Whichever one he is, as I believe there’s more than one in this grand world.)

And if that’s not in our cards for this life’s journey then we’ll be alright anyway because we’re busy and loving ourselves enough that it won’t even matter.

And then I’ll get a cat.

Or nine.

I apologize to any men one I accidentally hurt on my journey thus far.

Incidentally, I did find there are some high-love-points things we can do to encourage a man to feel/continue to feel amorous toward us that bolster self-esteem for both parties. Click here to see them!

Get our daily inspiration (free)

A lumberjack’s daughter, I spent my formative years surrounded by virgin forest and hungry grizzly bears in remote forestry camps. The crews were mostly hard-working, good-hearted scruffy men. There was plenty of naked-lady wallpaper, which explains my naughty sense of humour and understanding of how men think. (Hint: It’s not only about sex.)

In 2010, after several “practice” relationships (and a hella lotta “I need help” self-study), I rewrote my self and my life and now wear the cape as “Wingmam.” Yay! My super power is providing one-on-one coaching and study-at-home-in-pj’s online programs that entertain-ucate singles on how to understand the opposite sex, get unstuck, navigate the modern dating world and fast-forward to the fun bits of their happily ever after. (I don’t ask anyone to use cheesy lines or made-up words like I do.)
Love IS the answer, people! ;)

63 Comments

Hi Anna,
Sounds to me like you're a textbook Avoidant-Attachment Style, and all the guys who are falling for you are likely Anxious-Attachment Styles. I would HIGHLY recommend you read up on the psychology of Attachment Styles. Best book I can recommend on this is:
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Link: http://amzn.com/1585429139
This book literally changed my life, and made me realize I need to look for Secure-Attachment Style women, rather than the ones who are always running away/distancing themselves/keeping me at arms length. It's extremely painful for an Anxious when this happens and we don't know why/what we did wrong/what's going on. It all starts in childhood, and, unless dealt with properly, determines how we all attach, and what types, we are attracted to like magnets (hint: it's typically the wrong type).
Good luck on your journey. The more we know, the less damage we can do to others along the way, and hopefully the more people we can all help and encourage healing.

You should have a look at attachment styles – by what you are describing, you have the attachment style of avoidant, which without wanting to, you'd end up attracting the anxious styled partners. Time to move towards a more secure attachment style, and attract partners who are equally secure in themselves. Good luck

I find this to be exactly my situation. From leaving a wonderful man, amicably yet painfully, and the guilt, wow…on spot. I’ve been single now for 8 years, learning and loving to be alone and I also find I attract men who easily fall for me “love” several times as well, by just being me. My line however seems to be, “I’m not looking for anything, yet should I find it, I want it all.” They want to find out how and what they need to do to be that all.

I was also surprised to see how young you were as I myself am 42. I don’t find it arrogant so much as I can relate. I genuinely love people and because I am an introvert, I do need to feel a closeness and I find this attracts both male and female alike. I don’t want to hurt anyone because ultimately I get hurt when I lose that person as well. How to balance that need for deep relationships and not hurting someone else tough for me. I’ve rambled, but great article.

Thanks for helping me to understand what kind of woman to avoid… the kind like the author. No offense, but life is short and this article has helped me to see a pattern I have for letting certain kinds of women waste my time. Again, women like the author. By the way, I've met a large number of women who confess to have thrown away relationships with perfectly "good men" only to be perpetually single potential cat ladies. What I think about for those women is whether they'll ever want to be in a relationship and have a family. No, family isn'f for everyone, but it seems women don't even consider their own biology. At the age of 35, the chances of having a baby decline greatly and every year thereafter they go down another half. I'm just pointing that out. Fairy dust and princes and princesses are one thing, but a relationship, that's where you'll find the real princes and princesses because a real prince or princess isn't going to be indecisive when it comes to finding a partner for the rest of their lives (with a few notable exceptions…). Relationships aren't for everyone — just look at the story of the Buddah. For others, I'd wager, serial monogamy is truly the nature of relationship. If women and men who are like that would admit it, we'd save a lot of heartache for everyone.

I have used those 6 words often in the past and with similar results. Then I learned that the universe and our partners don't hear the 'Don't" and they fixate on the rest of the phrase. In relationships this phrase becomes a challenge.

I I think this is not valid only for men, but also in the other way around, for women. I am a man andI had similar experience more I was saying that I don't want a strong relationship, more the women was falling on love with me, and less I was liking her. But I also experience to myself, once I met a woman that afetr the first day we met she was saying that we can have a relationship because of many reasons, and I was falling in love with her. So it is a two way strategy. I think it. Is also something to do with attachments, more we are attached to something more we are afraid to lose it, and this is a very good teaching, love without expect anything in return.

Am so glad to have this opportunity to speak joyfully again, Am Mrs Selena Lucas, The relationship between i and my husband was stumbling, i never knew he was seeing another lady outside. my lovely husband Nelson Lucas whom i loved was being taken away from me

Hi Anna,
Thanks for sharing your words on Elephant Journal. I've read and appreciated several of your articles on here. I can share something with you that stood out for me personally when I read this. This part: "And don’t feel sorry for those men. They’ve all moved on to find their perfect–for-them sweetheart! And here I am still flying solo. (Incidentally, we’re all on good terms and many of my exes have asked me for relationship advice, so I can’t be all bad.)"

In my experience, keeping in contact with a bunch of exes and having personal conversations about their relationships with their current partners with them was another subconscious strategy I used to keep myself protected from a real, intimate love relationship and to keep myself emotionally unavailable. In order to be available, we have to complete our pasts and make space for someone, in my opinion.

These types of connections with exes were also a way I got an ego boost from external sources in the place of real self-love and self-worth that comes from within. I know the difference now.

When I finally decided I WAS ready for a real, authentic, intimate relationship again, the tables turned, and all my karma came back to me. I opened up to someone who I loved very much 100%, and he became unavailable and withdrew. I had a full experience of heartbreak, for the first time. It was the first time I experienced it because I was the one who walked away from every relationship before that.

The experience caused me to reflect back on all my past behavior and I decided: Never again. Now I only value authenticity and treating myself and others with the utmost honor, care and respect. I want to value myself and others as the divine, precious, tender-hearted and sensitive beings that we really are inside, and I don't want to play any games or have any played with me anymore. I'm either 100% in or 100% out. Nothing in between holds value or interest for me anymore.

That's where I personally stand on the subject now. However wherever you are on your personal journey and wherever you stand on the subject is perfect for you and the people in your life. There are things to be learned and ways to grow in every situation.
Love
Celina

Thank you, Celina, yes, I agree on all points, though I wouldn't say I stayed friends with any of my exes, but on friendly terms for sure. It's been a few years since I've talked with any of them, as our lives have naturally moved on. Like you, I'm in or out now, all authentic, take it or leave it real. And cautious. Trying to put enough good karma back to avoid what happened to you, though there's never any guarantees. Funny thing is, I'm finally okay going solo so it doesn't matter, anyway. You're right, life is about learning and growing! Hugs to you :))

That was such a gracious reply and I can honestly say I get that. I've been that and some ways remain that way with some of my male friends that I know are attracted to me. Giving relationship advice to those that know I'm unavailable but called upon me to support their current romps were ways that supported my self esteem since I knew what they all really wanted was to be with me. Hmmm. Her response just put my feelings in words that doing that is more about my lack then there need and it needs to stop so I can open myself to the true me and not the lacking me. Nevertheless, the article left me with a question-What about you? I know you're ok with you being with just you and I get that to. Been there and sometimes miss it, but when do you get the piece that's missing that is pushing relationships away? What is it that you're looking for that tells you, this is not the one? Perhaps another article will explain for those on the same journey.Or your memoir.

Thank you Christine. Yes, sometimes there's a fine line between trying to help and simply liking the validation. I'm still pondering your query on what I and others in my position want… I will write about it. Soon, I hope! (My memoir is mostly a comedic hashmash of silliness – a time before enlightenment of any kind, I assure you! But worth its weight in entertainment value, I'm sure.)

What a weird article. Make a man fall in love by asking him not to fall in love and being unavailable? I guess as a woman who has had this done to me in the past by men, I find it pretty weird. I think if one person is falling in love and the other isn't, the decent thing to do is to end it straight away, don't keep people dangling. That is very cruel. Sounds like game playing to me. If you don't want to get involved, go clubbing and have sex with strangers. Don't string people along. That is just mean.

oh gosh, spot on! This is so true and has happened to me too… perhaps even though it's not reverse psychology, it's the fact that we are being totally ourselves, not carrying any of that heavy stuff of expectation and all that, and that's precisely (ironically) what does make someone fall in love with us. So well written, so honest! Thanks 🙂

I enjoyed this article Anna. Love has been more than an interest for me since I was young. What is it, why does it happen, what are the rules and as I grew, is love a relationship? Your writing certainly brings some of this to light and I admire your courage to be honest about yourself with careful insight.
I came to realize after a number of very painful relationships with partners who were very similar to you Anna. I love you but now go away for a while. I gave up trying to figure out why they did this and started to focus on why I attracted these women into my life. Yeah, I owned my own part and took responsibility for myself. If there's one thing I now offer, that's "we do what works for us".
Well, that is confusing for many couples or singletons I speak to because they are talking to me because it's not working!

I felt the same. Then I started researching not what made a good relationship but what made a good dynamic of a loving relationship. That's when I spotted something. The dynamic pattern of my relationships included (every time) an aloof partner and the "chase and conquer" syndrome. Is that a man's natural pattern, I don't know. For myself, this dynamic stretched a long way back into my life with an aloof mother and sisters. For mw, trying to find a female who would accept me for who I was seemed blatantly normal. So, it now seemed natural for me to continue trying to invite women into my life that followed this dynamic role.
The key for me was to spot co-dependence vs counter-dependence in my life.

We attract what we are I believe not our opposites. I believe wholeheartedly that we will never feel loved by another until we feel love for ourselves. That began with self-compassion.

Thank you, Robin, for a beautiful, thoughtful reply. Admitting my fallibility now is less, though still, embarrassing than it would have been had I not come to understand myself and take responsibility for the cycle of non-love I continued to perpetuate. Looking back I can see I was more desperate to love than to love the right someone for me. No one is perfect, to be sure, but I know the men I had relationships with were not the right ones for me, I just tried to make them be, and then was the one to throw in the towel first. As mentioned, they've all moved on to find their 'right ones', which I am happy about, both for them and for me. I'm finally okay on my own! A girlfriend once told me her mother was single and happy and she worried she might end up that way, too. Even though we laughed at the time, both thinking how was that duality possible, I now see that it can be. Live and learn! 🙂

Hmmm. Just got out a relationship with a woman who fits this description(for the third time with her). Obviously incredibly painful… When she told me a week after we split that she had met someone, two things were very clear. 1- She had invested very little of her heart but kept me going for over two years. 2- She was BS'ing me. I immediately asked if she was going to tell this new guy that "she wasn't looking for a relationship-no. Maybe she will later. A trail of bloody hearts lay behind her. As much as I want to blame her, I also recognize how I equally played my part in allowing it to happen, I accepted her poor treatment for a "higher cause"- The connection we had (both of us admitted) was deeper than either of us had experienced before. The tricky thing that we can do to ourselves when things get that deep is make up excuses for why we shouldn't be in this relationship(or, she did). That coupled with having a non-relationship, relationship status creates an incredibly poor foundation for communication. Until the end…Then she communicated, because there's no more risk involved. Obviously choosing to not effectively communicate for months about something will allow the space for the story to grow in our heads, and then it reaches our hearts.

Of course there's more to the story but that's the periphery view of things. As you noted it comes down to fear. We either deal with it ourselves or find someone to work on it with us. I would say that the approach is not to say "I'm unavailable", but rather I might be available and but here's my history- I'm afraid of intimacy past his point. Here are the signs to be aware of… Another approach is to NOT DATE until it's handled(which it can probably only be handled while dating, but maybe being alone for a long enough time will motivate for a real change). To me, if someone is unavailable, they're unavailable. It's not fair to either party to hide behind shallow honesty. Now I know what that means.

I have learned some of the deepest lessons in my life through this. For that I'm grateful. It's much deeper than the male "chase and conquer" though. It connects to each persons basic self worth. And really, we're both deceiving ourselves so who is responsible? Well, both to the extent that their awareness of their pattern(and ability to shift) will allow. However, once one knows the pattern and it's been pointed out (or self recognized) we have a responsibility to handle it- if not for our sake, then for the sake of others. Once we know, we can't un-know. We can cover it up, but it will come back.. I think it's also true in her case that it was too difficult to accept that someone accepted her more than she did herself- especially and poor return treatment.

My responsibility- We teach others how to treat us.

For those out there (not saying you) that are looking for the right thing to say or do to make a partner fall in love, you're destined to misery. If it happens, it happens, and it should happen for organic reasons. Putting on a front, saying all the right things for that one reason is dishonest.

Thanks for the article and listening to me rant! It's good to hear, and share so publicly your vulnerability, the lessons you've learned and what you're doing about it. Most people don't have the stomach or the balls to acknowledge it, let alone put it on a public forum. Nice work. Be well.

Mumford and sons has a great song titled" White Blank Page" that represents this topic well. There's a line that goes "You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections"

Hi T H, thank you so much for the 'rant' as you put it, I agree with everything you wrote :). After all those past relationships, I decided to take some solo time. Its not been over a year but I feel growth and understanding of my patterns. If/when I decide to date again, there will be a lot of frank discussion and going very slow. Live and learn. PS Will check on the Mumford song… I probably know it lol

Ah, MaggieRV, the twists and turns of life, even innocently (naively?) played! We're all just doing our best with what we know at the time. Maybe there is a Devine path and Someone's got a sense of humour 'up there'. Xo

Thank you for caring enough to share 🙂 In a world where casual sex, friends with benefits, and short term flings are de rigueur, at some point this statement can make sense. It might surprise you to know that I don't introduce myself with that line. (I'm laughing at the audacity of that!) Though I can see how this piece would seem that way and how without knowing me personally or knowing any more of my story, you might come to your conclusions.

To say to a person, "Don't fall in love with me" is a ploy, and a not very honest one. And to admit to doing it again and again, with the same results, and then claiming you're being "honest" about the thing isn't just dishonest, it's pathological. Would you meet any other person, a woman, say, or anybody you knew you wouldn't be dating, for example, an extremely elderly person, or a teacher, or a salesperson, or anybody in the world really, and introduce yourself by saying, "Don't like me," or, "Don't fall in love with me." No. Of course not. To speak such nonsense to any human being is belittling, challenging, manipulative, and a little sad (and sick). It also suggests you actually do want men to fall in love with you, but that if you don't like them as much as they like you, or (and I suspect this is truer) if you like or fall in love with them and they don't reciprocate, you can pretend you never wanted it to happen in the first place and pretend it doesn't matter. The thing is, if you didn't want men to fall in love with you, you wouldn't be "dating," you'd be making friends with anybody who happened to be interesting to you, including men and women and people of all stripes. But you're dating. And by dating, you're inviting love. So what you're doing in this regard is manipulative any way you describe it. Stop behaving badly. It doesn't lessen the sickness of the behavior to claim you don't mean anything by it. Pathological people have been saying that since the beginning of time.

Hey Anna, after reading the article I have only one thing to say: that u and me are so similar…

Especially wen I relate to the line:

“I see why you’re single. You push everyone away.”

Yes after one long term relationship I had I have been pushing out all guys… A year back I jumped into one relationship which broke my jinx of dating … We recently broke up … But now I am back in the social circle exploring guys and just being myself…

Hi Wavy! Thank you for your comments. Yes, I think there must be a balance between allowing people to get close without getting hurt. But even more so, I think that if we practice kindness and honesty, then we've taken responsibility for our own actions and we have to trust that others can, too. Keep being yourself! The best version of you there is! 🙂

This sounds like something I would write in the future. Maybe I did/will? Maybe I changed my name to Anna?!? Regardless, it's comforting to read this, to know I'm not alone and I will survive. Well written, Anna!

Thank you, Alyne! There are probably more of us than can relate than we think. Of course I'm still having aha moments about all sorts of things. I'm more conscious about my decision and actions now. It took a lot of hurting others and myself before that light bulb finally came on though! You will survive 🙂 xo

For Cyd… continued: All I can suggest is start looking for ways to love yourself. Reach out to compassionate friends and if you can afford it, talk to a professional. Thought habits and the resultant behaviours within ourselves run deep and can take time to change, even when we want them to. And in the meantime, with your man, try not to take it personally! His attacks are about him, not you. Hurt people hurt people. Even if you must take action to change things, lead with love and compassion. Something awful must have happened to make him this way. Hope this helps! Hugs to you 🙂

Hi Michael, thank you for understanding, especially from a man's perspective. I think that's part of the point of how this works. It's the opposite of needy. (Not that it's necessarily coming from a healthy place on my part.) But any healthy person will have a more fulfilling life and be more attractive to others when they've got a full life of their own. No pressure for the other person, yet something to share with each other to keep it interesting. 🙂

…This doesn't always mean leaving a relationship. Sometimes, it means making scary changes in a relationship. Change always must start with ourselves. That old ripple in the pond cliché. If we change our behaviours, other changes will occurs as well – maybe not overnight, but eventually, if we are consistent and don't just fold and go back to our old ways. Sometimes things get worse before better. Sometimes they just don't get better and we finally make a radical decision we weren't ready for before…continued in main comments…

…I can't direct you with what to do in your life specifically–that would be irresponsible of me–but I can tell you my motto is: If it feels good, do it, if it doesn't feel good – knock it off, already. Big picture feel good. Often in life we are faced with only not-feel-good options, but one might decision in one direction can lead to a better place. We usually know what that is deep down inside ourselves. It's a matter of having the courage to take those first uncertain steps… continued on next comment…

I have been living with a guy that won't stop lying even about stupid stuff, he told me two times today that I was disgusting and ugly. I have bagged all of his things up and put them on the front porch, I hope he will find a place to go because I have so many great things going on in my life right now I just can't live with someone that lies and puts me down. I know I deserve better even if I live alone with my 7 cats, whom I love and they keep me company. I am not ugly and disgusting, I know that! He is making me very depressed, because I have allowed him to remain in my home and taking care of mostly all of the bills…..I am going to move on,,he just needs to go….Cyd

Hello Cyd! Thank you for taking the time to reach out with your feelings, that takes courage and strength! First, I must mention that I'm not a professional therapist, I'm just a lay person who's been pretty mixed up and has tried to learn why and how to change it. I, too, was with a chronic fibber once, he was a charming one, though, which kept me going back for awhile. But he was never verbally abusive, he didn't call me names. We all deserve better than that. More in the next comment…

I’m sorry – I just couldn’t get through the whole article without vomiting! What an arrogant piece of work (tried to push through to see if, perhaps this was meant to be lighthearted ) . Nope , just irritated the hell out of me.

Kim, thank you for caring enough to share. I can understand and appreciate how you arrived at your perceptions. It might irritate you less to know that I don't get all the guys, I just (eventually) run away from the ones that do show up… or at least have up to this point.

When I saw how young the author was I felt the article lost come cred. come on. I expected you to be in your 40's or 50's. Write again in about 20 years. I DO think that # 2 works when men to do it to women, showing that both men and women are dumb. and stop blaming yourself by calling it "dangling the cookie!" Those men are perfectly fine and still hoping to get some of that. That's what they care about, and why they come back.

Thanks Gab! I think we're all just trying to do the best we can. Hopefully, we either get the chance to make ammends or at least learn from what hasn't worked and live more lovingly. We're all art in progress 🙂

I have been married for 7 months i was 5 months pregnant i love my husband so much but he treated me so badly we fought because i have found numerous other emails, and texts on his phone from other women, i became so tired of of his womanizing behavior, worrying all the time, and i was always scared when i am not with him . one night he came back drunk, he also came with the another lady, when i i tried to confront him, he immediately started hitting me and he pushed me out the house and ask me to leave, i was lost and confused, i was stranded that i have to find a help from anywhere then i came across a spell caster Dr. Todd who had saved many marriage so as i emailed Dr. Todd and he told me what is needed and after few days, he restored my marriages, i and my husband came back together as a married couple again, i am so happy, my marriage was saved by [email protected]

Elephant isn't just a big web site.

We're community-driven. We're dedicated to sharing "the mindful life" beyond the core or choir, to all those who don't yet know they give a care. We focus on anything that's good for you, good for others, and good for our planet.