Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Todd, Oakland, CASubj: Jack of all tradesHas there ever been a major league player who has played every position on the baseball field?

You bet, Todd. That unique feat was accomplished by José Oquendo, a sweet-fielding utility man who played all nine positions for the St. Louis Cardinals in 1988. “The Secret Weapon,” as he was affectionately known, further cemented his place in baseball history that year when he became the first position player in 20 years to earn a decision in a 19 inning loss to the Atlanta Braves. Despite turning in a solid four innings of work, Oquendo was less than thrilled with having to take the mound. “I hope this never happens again because it means that something has gone wrong,” he said after the game. Apparently his manager didn’t bother to listen because Oquendo made another relief appearance in 1991, giving up three runs in a single inning of work. He finished his career with 14 homeruns, 254 RBIs, a .256 batting average and a record of 0-1.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Reds sent a letter to their fans apologizing for the team's play this season. Fittingly, the one page memo was riddled with errors.

Carl Pavano won his first game all season in a convincing 5-3 victory over the Orioles. The veteran righthander looked so impressive that Alyssa Milano might even start returning his calls.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps plans to write a book recounting the story behind his historic eight gold medal swims. The book is tentatively titled “Suck It, France.”

Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora is out for the season with a knee injury. The loss is being hailed as a godsend by sports writers who can now go a full year without having to spell his name.

Alex Rodriguez was spotted in two cities squiring two different women last week. It’s nice to hear that at least one Yankee is still making contact when he swings.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have unveiled a new set of uniforms that pay homage to the franchise’s first jerseys by reading "Wolves" on the front instead of "Timberwolves." Given the team’s current roster, it might be the only big “W” they see all season.

Red Sox manager Terry Francona recently phoned New England’s entry at the Little League World Series. It’s uncertain whether he was calling to wish them luck or to find someone to take Julio Lugo off his hands.

Royals pitcher Luke Hochevar is out for the season with a bruised right rib cage. Kansas City is devastated since the city has always been known for the quality of its ribs.

The president of the Washington Mystics delivered a blistering assessment of her franchise yesterday, declaring that the team hasn't "moved one ounce" in its history. The fiery announcement came as a surprise to many basketball fans who didn’t even realize that Washington had a WNBA team.

Former NBA superstar Charles Barkley will reportedly undergo a televised colonoscopy. Given his girth the procedure is expected to be turned into a ten-part mini-series.

Kurt Warner has been named Arizona’s starting quarterback ahead of Matt Leinart. Leinart is expected to be devastated as soon as he sobers up.

The Jamaican women spoiled the country's shot at sweeping the Olympic sprints following a flubbed baton handoff. You just know that never would have happened if they had been passing a joint.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Randall, Madison, WISubj: Jon Stewart’s athletic exploitsHey Ryan, I heard that Jon Stewart used to be a good athlete. What sport did he play?

You’re absolutely correct, Randall. Stewart played soccer at the College of William & Mary for three seasons, recording 10 goals and 12 assists during his career. Although he may not have been a star on the pitch, his ability to keep his fellow teammates loose was legendary. Stewart’s former coach, Al Albert, still recalls how the current Daily Show host used to keep the mood light. “Jon's wit was famous within the team,” he says. “No one would dare even then engage him in verbal combat. None of us imagined he would take things to the level that he has, but he was, even in college, a very funny guy.” Alas, don’t expect Stewart to suit up again anytime soon. “I'm 43 and smoked for 20 years,” he quips, “I'm just happy to go out of the house without an inhaler.”

Monday, August 18, 2008

A Chinese news service has reported that gold medalist He Kexin is just 13, two years under the age of Olympic eligibility. It’s hard to say what’s more shameful: the fact that she could cost her country a medal or the fact that 20-year-olds have been hitting on her all week.

Olympic officials are distributing 100,000 condoms to athletes living in the Olympic Village. Actually, they're just for the foreign athletes since most of the Chinese team members are still under the age of consent.

Two University of Nebraska wrestlers were kicked off the team after their nude photos appeared on a prominent gay porn site. The story has gotten so much publicity that the team may be forced to change their name from the Cornhuskers to the Cornholers.

Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama has told reporters that he plans to go body surfing while in Hawaii. In related news, John McCain could use a little help getting in and out of the bathtub if anyone is available at 7:00 am tomorrow morning.

Michael Vick’s personal lawyer has been charged with securities fraud and accused of swindling $500,000 from church members. Evidentially authorities were unimpressed with his defense that God helps those who help themselves.

Stephon Marbury has announced that he plans to play in Milan next season. The veteran point guard can barely wait to be misunderstood in a whole new language.

Adam “Pacman” Jones has sent a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking to be allowed to play this season. The letter took Jones a full week to write since he couldn’t decide what color crayon to use.

Troubled forward Ron Artest has said that he’s psyched about his opportunity with the Rockets. We can only hope he’s referring to the team and not to the line of tank-piercing weapons.

Kobe Bryant and his wife Vanessa are expecting their third child. It’s believed to be the first time in months an NBA player has knocked up a woman without a paternity suit being involved.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The U.S. won bronze in men’s gymnastics. Of course, the only thing worse than finishing third is admitting you’re a male gymnast in the first place.

Michael Phelps is 5 for 5 after another record breaking swim in the 4 x 200. Phelps is doing so well that his coach plans to reward him by throwing him two extra mackerel from his big pail of fish.

China beat the U.S. to win gold in women’s gymnastics. The team’s members are now free to concentrate on their next challenge of hitting puberty.

Benjamin Boukpeti helped Togo win its first ever Olympic medal by picking up a surprise bronze in the men’s slalom kayak event. Now all Boukpeti has to do is learn how to fire an arrow, throw a javelin and ride a horse to help Togo catch up to America in the overall medal standings.

The Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired major league homerun leader Adam Dunn from the Cincinnati Reds for minor-league pitcher Dallas Buck. Insiders are still amazed that Dunn could be had for a single Buck.

Kenny Chesney recently strapped on the pads and took part in a New Orleans Saints football practice. Chesney’s appearance left many players awestruck, since they had never played with someone who had made a meaningful hit.

The Red Sox have called up knuckleballer Charlie Zink from their Triple A affiliate in Pawtucket. It’s uncertain who Boston will promote next now that they’ve worked their way through the entire alphabet.

The Kansas City Royals plan to close off several seating sections for the remainder of the season as Kauffman Stadium continues to undergo renovations. No word yet on how this will affect the team’s three fans.

The Bucks are looking to acquire point guard Luke Ridnour in a trade involving three different teams. There’s nothing like being involved in a three-way to take the edge off of moving to Milwaukee.

Cincinnati is considering signing free-agent cornerback Ty Law. It’s a surprising turn of events since the Bengals generally run away from the Law.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Ron, Oklahoma City, OKSubj: The breakfast of championsWho was the first professional athlete to be appear on a box of Wheaties?

That honors belongs to Lou Gehrig. The legendary Yankees infielder graced the box for the first time in 1934, ten years after the cereal made its debut on grocery shelves across America. The Iron Horse’s appearance produced such encouraging results that Wheaties continued to feature baseball players, and by 1939, 46 of the 51 players selected to the All-Star team were official Wheaties pitchmen. The athlete with the most number of Wheaties appearances, meanwhile, is Michael Jordan. The former NBA MVP has appeared on the box 18 times, including three appearances with Dennis Rodman, one of the few players in the world flakier than the cereal itself.

About Me

Ryan Murphy's humorous articles and sports-themed jokes have appeared on more than 170 radio stations and 40 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. He recognizes that life is hard and that's why he's here to help. Send in some questions and he'll offer some advice. On anything. Well, almost anything.