FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

Liberty City Police Face Allegations Of Incompetence, Brutality

LIBERTY CITY—With the city in the midst of a record crime wave, concerned citizens claim the Liberty City Police Department has done little to prevent the constant car chases, ongoing gun battles, and overall atmosphere of violence that pervade the area.

"I used to feel safe in Liberty City, but lately, it's been total mayhem," said night-shift worker Lola Del Rio, who spoke to reporters while sucking nervously on a red lollipop. "In the past week alone, I've been carjacked twice, run over 10 times, and witness to a half-dozen gunfights that ended with automobiles exploding. What are the police doing to stop all this?"

Officers respond to one of the 43,274 murders reported in the city last month.

Since the surge in crime, which began on April 28 at midnight, more than 830,000 civilians have been murdered—nearly one-tenth of Liberty City's total population. In addition, 35,000 vehicles have been reported stolen, many of which were then driven illegally over sidewalks and pedestrian walkways before plunging into the nearby Humboldt River. And according to startling figures released by local community action group Citizens for a Safer City, drug trafficking has become rampant and prostitution has increased by 800 percent.

"I was shot 14 times on my way to work today, including twice by police," said one Algonquin-area resident. "That is unacceptable."

Many blame the LCPD directly for the increase in criminal activity, citing the department's lax procedure for arresting criminals, which involves taking 10 percent of the suspect's money, confiscating his weapons, and simply releasing him from custody later that day. Outraged citizens say this is not enough, especially in a city where assault rifles can be found on factory roofs and grenade caches are located under the globe at the old World's Fair site.

"The police just let them go, and 20 minutes later they're shooting at the very same criminals from helicopters," veteran crime reporter Mike Whiteley said. "That is not proper law enforcement. We may be seeing a return to the bad old days of 2002, when the police, the FIB, and even Army tank battalions would leave countless bodies on the streets while attempting to capture just one man on some sort of joyful mass-destruction spree."

Perhaps even more alarming, city records indicate that more than 75 percent of perpetrators in mass-murder or vehicular-manslaughter cases escape, usually by simple methods such as driving into a car-repainting facility. Criminals have even eluded pursuit by walking into their apartment and going to bed for six hours, after which the search has been called off.

However, one LCPD official, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed the recent crime wave on the police department's lack of proper equipment.

"We are only equipped to pursue a suspect within a small radius on a very basic half-centimeter radar screen," the officer said. "If we were allowed to seek criminals who escaped this radius for more than 15 seconds, our results would improve dramatically."

"And to those who say the LCPD is too quick to resort to deadly force, remember that almost 850,000 police officers, FIB agents, and N.O.O.S.E. [National Office of Security Enforcement] team members have died in the line of duty in the past month," he added.

Nonetheless, residents say that their confidence in the Liberty City police force—low in the best of times—has eroded almost completely.

"I was buying a hot dog from a street vendor in Hove Beach yesterday when I saw someone run a red light, barrel down the sidewalk, careen into a garbage truck, exit his vehicle, steal a nearby convertible, and drive away," one Broker resident reported. "A nearby police car didn't even react. But when the car behind him nicked his fender, the officer shot the driver through the windshield and walked away."

"That is not the kind of law enforcement we want for our community," he added.

Most admit that the problem is not a lack of police presence, as the LCPD currently operates 15 different police stations throughout the city's four boroughs, and there is a seemingly infinite number of officers on duty at all times to respond to reported crimes. However, citizens say the officers' "shoot-first" mentality and willingness to accept bribes only contributes to the city's widespread violence and corruption.

"It's almost as if the cops in this town are as much an adversarial faction as the criminals," said public defender Kiki Jenkins, who is rumored to be instrumental in recent incidents of police being inexplicably pulled from chases and criminal pursuit. "Sure, we have excellent radio stations and an incredible range of things to see and do here. But if I were younger, I'd move to Mario World in a second."