Wikileaks in Geneva

7 top secret conversations overheard at the recent nuclear negotiations in Geneva.

This week Iran and the so called P5+1 signed an historic – possibly “end-of-historic” – agreement to bring “safe” use of nuclear power to Iran…for six months… maybe. Each side brought a journalist of record to the summit, with the United States bringing Jewlarious, and Iran bringing our sister website Al-Jewlarious. We are releasing some selected excerpts from the negotiations at the risk of having to live in an airport in Russia the rest of our lives

1. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry and Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif:

Kerry: Explain one thing to me Mohammad, why does a country with the world’s second highest petroleum reserves need a nuclear energy program when nuclear energy is more costly, more dangerous and far more complicated to deliver?

Zarif: Uh…well, we are doing it for our children.

Rouhani: Let me get this straight – we get $6 billion and keep our nuclear program intact?

Kerry: For your children? I don’t understand.

Zarif: I believe… the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Kerry: Mohammad, are you just quoting a Whitney Houston song?

Zarif: Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride…

Kerry: Mohammad.

Zarif: …to make it easier.

2. U.S. President Barrack Obama and Iranian President Hassan Rouhani

Obama: So, we are down to the final details. You are not going to back out, right?

Rouhani: So let me get this straight – we get $6 billion and we get to keep our nuclear program intact, right?

Obama: Yes. But, you are not going to make me look silly?

Rouhani: Once again, we get $6 billion – cash, like in a Swiss bank account or something – and we get to keep our nuclear program intact, right?

Obama: Yes, but only if you promise not to keep the money and then develop the nukes.

Rouhani: So, $6 billion and a “safe” nuclear program.

Obama: Why are you using air quotes around “safe”?

Rouhani: I am sorry – $6 billion and we run a safe program, no air quotes.

Obama: Yes, but, will you keep it safe? How will I know?

Rouhani: Did you just quote Whitney Houston?

Obama: What?

Rouhani: Y’know, “How will I know?”

Obama: No, I did not quote Whitney Houston.

Rouhani: You kind of did.

Obama: Well, it was entirely coincidental. The odds are good that I will say “How will I know?” at some point – it can’t be considered a reference each time.

Rouhani: Fair enough. At times like these... “I get so emotional, baby.”

time” finally. Yes, your grandfather will be vindicated. Congrats. Yes, history has shown that the only way to stand up to a tyrant is to appease. Wonderful. Thanks for your call. Yes, we will be sending an edible arrangement to Kim Jung Un immediately. Our plan is to get some billions in his hands and pray for the best.

4. Foreign Minister Zarif to Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov:

Zarif: Sergey, can my government rent some space from you in the Caucus Mountains for six months? We just need to stash a few centrifuges. Oops, did I say that? I meant...sufganiyot. You know, with Chanukah here and all, we need the extra doughnut storage space.

Lavrov: Yes.

Zarif: Yes?

Lavrov: Yes. Yes – you can rent the space. No need to negotiate. Happy to help.

Zarif: So, we just send the…

Lavrov: Yes, just send it over. Why do you keep asking? What is your problem? Yes. We would be happy to store your weapons.

Zarif: Sufganiyot.

Lavrov: Stop playing these silly games. We will take your weapons and store them, for free. Period.

Zarif: So after we conclude the nuclear deal can we get to work on an agreement to permit the safe use of chemical weapons?

John Kerry: Great idea.

Fabius: Mr. Kerry, can we talk about that for a second outside?

Kerry: What’s to talk about? We can use the same framework as the nuclear deal. Peace in our time.

Fabius: John, you realize that makes no sense right? Chemical weapons by definition can’t be safe.

Zarif: That’s not true. They could be used in household cleaning products…or insect repellant.

Kerry: You see Laurent, the Iranians just want to manufacture some Raid. It makes perfect sense.

6. Secretary Kerry and Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif:

Kerry: So Mohammad, about that plutonium reactor in Arak, you know you’re going to have to close that.

Zarif: But the reactor at Arak is a fundamental part of our nuclear weapons…I mean peaceful nuclear program.

Kerry: It has to go Mohammad. There are no peaceful uses for plutonium. It is only used for nuclear weapons.

Zarif: But it’s an inalienable part of the Iranian people’s self determination. I don’t see how…

Kerry: I am joking.

Zarif: What?

Kerry: I am totally joking. You should have seen your face!

(laughter)

You were all like, “but the Iranian People’s self determination”…

Zarif: John, you almost gave me a heart attack

Kerry: Oh the look on your face was priceless.

7. President Obama and President Rouhani:

Rouhani: Listen, I have said a few things over the years and I wanted to apologize.

Obama: We all say things we shouldn’t. I told people they could keep their healthcare.

Rouhani: I really appreciate that. I knew you would understand.

Obama: So, what did you say?

Rouhani: Oh, you know… all that “Great Satan” stuff.

Obama: Why? Why would you say that?

Rouhani: I saw Argo and was just thinking that if there is an Argo II after this nuclear deal, I wanted there to be good actual footage of me screaming something crazy. Call it my audition tape for Ben Affleck.

Obama: So, you didn’t mean it. We are not the Great Satan?

Rouhani: Let’s not get into a “he said, she said.”

Obama: There is no “she said.” Who is the “she” here? You said that you said it. Did you in fact or did you not?

Rouhani: Well, yes, but it was in reference to Israel – “The Great (Zionist) Satan” – not you.

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 5

(4)
kit,
December 27, 2013 4:50 PM

my jewish husband didn't get the joke

this is all fabulously funny. great humor. I laughed til I cried. my Jewish husband of 33 yrs didn't, but then he doesn't even know what a sufganiyah is. I know this is somehow my fault, right? Forgive me, Esther. signed, his little shiksa

(3)
Helen Schwab (Chaiah),
December 4, 2013 5:00 AM

I tried to relax & enjoy the comedy...

... but, with a beloved daughter, son-in-law & grandkids in Israel, I somehow found this too close to reality to cheer me up. Thanks for trying. Your writing would be really funny if the situation weren't so sad. Hashem ya'azor.

(2)
Steve,
December 3, 2013 7:11 PM

Nice

LOVE IT!

(1)
Mary,
December 3, 2013 12:01 AM

Jewlarious

This definitely belongs in the catagory of commedy

no one sane would take it seriously.

KEN,
December 8, 2013 3:16 AM

K

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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