It appears that my daughter has well and truly found The Terrible Twos and made them her own.

On Monday night, I came home about an hour after my darling daughter’s bedtime and opened the front door to much wailing and screaming. I popped upstairs to see what the fuss was and found my wife on the landing looking frazzled. I glanced into the room from which the awful noise emanated to see Small Daughter standing in her cot (she’s getting a bit big for it – bed soon) having thrown everything but the mattress out. The floor was strewn with blankets, sheets and had enough fallen effigies of Pooh Bear and his mates that it looked like a massacre in the Hundred Acre Wood.

Apparently, she had been in similar mood for the last hour as she had decided that bed wasn’t quite the thing for her at that time. I utilised the negotiation skills I’d learned watching some Bruce Willis film and, over a loud hailer from the landing, I managed to talk her down. Then, I threw the Negotiators Handbook out the window and went in. Luck was on my side and I managed to defuse the situation without having to get all Jack Bauer on her.

Cut to last night. As I was busy making the dinner, my wife witnessed a ‘throwing stuff on the floor incident’. Despite a clear warning, the perpetrator did not comply and wifey was forced to apprehend her and place her in the naughty corner (on the mat out by the front door).

Displaying her new-found disrespect for authority however, my daughter decided that this punishment would instead, be a fine new game. Cue much running from the corner into the kitchen and much merriment as her mother placed her firmly back each time. Next, my little miscreant decided that she’d rather sit on the stairs than stay in the Corner of Shame. Her jailer duly placed her back and told her to stay on the mat. On investigating the next scampering noise, my delinquent daughter was found to have placed the mat on the first step of the stairs and was sitting on it. Back she went.

After a couple more returns, she seemed to be getting the message and there was no movement for a while. Wife and I exchanged hopeful glances but before we could breath a sigh of relief, the door was flung open and my daughter ran, completely naked, into the kitchen and proceeded to do a little dance in the middle of the floor.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to appear strict and authoritative when there’s a nudie toddler dancing in your kitchen?

Back she went though and after some more effort, she did her time. Not before telling us that she ‘didn’t like mammy’ during a couple of trips however.

Jesus, it’s tough going. I’m considering a ‘Naughty Box’ with some sort of locking lid for the future.

Comments

Oh god – I recognise this – very similar to my son. They are very testing aren’t they? I have to say I do applaud the intelligence of putting the mat ON the preferred stair. That’s genius and also very frightening psychological skills for such a small one but they are canny little things. It’s that whole – you are telling me off but I’ll turn it into a game so you won’t be able to tell me off as really we’ll be playing – NOT! Oh It’s so hard – I sympathise. It sort of gets better……sort of.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I look forward to this ‘getting better’ of which I’ve been informed for the last two and a half years. Personally, I reckon that one set of problems just morphs into a different set of problems as they grow.

Well – you are right there – that’s what I meant by my ‘sort of’ comment. We currently have a written sign stuck to the tv – it says NO TELEVISION (underlined really purposefully twice in thick marker pen) – it doesn’t come off until a certain small person can behave. It works a treat. Naughty box, starcharts – oh the happy joy!

I’m still not buying the ‘getting easier’ thing but I’m certainly not looking forward to the teenage years. I have resolved to lock my innocent little girl in a tower somewhere and not let her see, or be seen by, any manfolk. Her innocence will last forever. Vicious creatures of all types will patrol the base of the tower to deter any male advances and, should one particularly cunning male make it past the defences, I’ll be waiting to kick the living piss out of him.

Gerry Hayes

I mostly sit around all day and drink tea. Occasionally, I write stuff and send it to strangers so they can humiliate me and deride my efforts. Other than the self-harm to dull the shame of failure, it's not a bad life. Like I say, there's tea.