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Man what the fuck Beowulfthis guythis guy we are about to be talking aboutis one of the few legendary heroeswho actually has sufficient ball massto back up all the guff he is dishing out faster than free samples outside a fucking smoothie joint(see also: hercules)let me show you what I mean

so our story begins with this dude Hrothgar shitting his pants over this unkillable monster named Grendel(actually it begins with the lineage of Hrothgarbut raise your hand if you give a shit)so Grendel is a descendant of Cain apparentlyyou knowthe vegetarian dipshit who killed his brother and the OTHER thing Grendel isis he is the ultimate party-crasher

see at the start of this storybasically what Grendel is doingis every nightwhen Hrothgar settles down to have himself a sweet partyin his meadhallGrendel comes charging out of the swamphumps the door downand proceeds to play cockhockey with the internal organsof all the people who are trying to get their booze onhe does this FOR TWELVE YEARSthere are several shocking things about thisone is that these are twelve years of solid murder we are talking aboutbut more importantlywhere do they keep getting dudesto come to these partiesafter saythe first SIX YEARS of unstoppable deathyou would think word would get aroundlike hey party at Hrothgar’s crib tonightare you comingnah man I hear THERE IS A MONSTER THERE WHO MURDERS EVERYONE but perhaps most bizarreis the fact that Hrothgar CONTINUES to party throughout these 12 yearsthis is clearly a man who is committed to partyingi mean think about itTWELVE YEARSthat’s twice as long as WORLD WAR TWOand yet every nightHrothgar mops the blood off his floorinvites all the friends who survived the last massacreand does that shit all over againAND HE NEVER RUNS OUT OF MEAD

So this shit has been going on for A WHILE by time Beowulf shows upwith all his men and his sword and shitbasically because he heard there was something suicidally dangerous he could doand i guess he was bored of punching mountains in the faceand eating swords and fire and shitting shrapnel

so after scaring the shit out of the coastguardBeowulf busts into Hrothgar’s meadhalllike HEY I HEARD YOU HAVE MONSTERSWELL ACTUALLY JUST ONE MONSTERTHAT’S NOT THAT MANY MONSTERSI’LL TELL YOU WHATTO EVEN IT OUTHOW ABOUT I DO IT NAKEDUSING ONLY MY FISTSI’M BEOWULF MOTHERFUCKERHOO HAH

and Hrothgar is like well alrightbut you knowyou are not the first person to have this ideashit has been going on for TWELVE YEARSI cannot emphasize this enoughand beowulf is like BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?I CAN PUNCH A HORSE SO HARD IT TURNS TO GOLDAND WHEN I COUGHKILLER BEES SHOOT OUT OF MY MOUTHI’M BEOWULFDO I NEED TO SPELL IT FOR YOUI HOPE NOTBECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO READ

and Hrothgar is likewell shitlet’s party

so these guys partythey party HARDand in the middle of this hard hard partysome dipshit named Unferth is like hey beowulfI heard you lost a swimming contest against this dude Brecalooks like your ass is not as bad as you would have us believeand Beowulfwell Beowulf is so fucking pissed off about thishe stops talking in allcaps for a little while

he is like look assholefirst of allat that point in the competitionwe had each been swimming for FIVE DAYSthat is five as in high fiveand days as in who the fuck do you know who can swim for five days straightand i was about to win tooexcept at that very momentI got attacked by a fucking SEA SERPENTso i killed itOBVIOUSLYand then i was like shitwell i’m already underwater heremight as well murder eight more seamonstersand by the time i was done with that the race was pretty much overso I just passed out and washed ashore somewhere in finlandthat is what happenedso you can just go aheadand spend the next fifteen years of your lifeinserting incrementally larger wooden cocks into your mouthin order to prepare you for the incredible honorof choking to death on the solid gold tree trunkthat is tasked with holding up my NINE ENORMOUS TESTICLESso Unferth shuts up after that

then the party kind of starts to wind downso beowulf just goes ahead and strips nakedin the hopes of making this task as needlessly difficult as possiblewhich actually he fails to dobecause it turns out no weapon on earth can harm grendel anywayso naked fisticuffs are optimal(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

anyway Grendel shows upmakes a big show of ripping the doors offwhich actually begs the questiondo they replace the doors every day?or does Grendel replace the doors every dayjust so he will have something to rip off at night?either way he immediately eats one of Beowulf’s menwhile Beowulf stands there like HMM I SEEINTERESTING

but finally Grendel gets around to actually attacking beowulfexcept when he reaches down to grab himbeowulf just grabs his arm insteadwith a vicegrip honed by DECADES OF FURIOUS MASTURBATIONand it is at this point that Grendel realizes he is in way over his head

so Grendel immediately starts trying to get the fuck out of thereand Beowulf responds by climbing on top of himsteering him into every breakable object in the roomand then tearing off his arm with his bare handsthis is what we call a decisive victory

but of course after thatsince Beowulf was basically just holding onto Grendel by his armGrendel gets awayand Beowulf is left to bitch about not murdering him outrightwhile basically getting fellated by the entire Danish party crewbut only figurativelybecause actually what everyone is doing is riding around on horses and yelling a lotthis is what you do when you are excited in ancient Denmarkwe have not come very far since ancient times

so that’s part one of threehold on to your arms because part two promises to RIP THEM OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU

So I’ve been working on this for a while, and now here it is: Oedipus Unedited. (actually edited quite a lot. I just started experimenting with EQ and mastering and junk, and as you can tell, I am still in the “throwing wrenches at it and watching it explode” stage of experimentation. If any of you have mastering expertise, let me know.)

The sick beats are courtesy of this guy. Give him your money and your self-respect. He likes those things.

So lookie there, yall just got a free mp3 (except for Jason “Sexypecs” Nelson, who paid me 20 dollars to do this for you. WORSHIP HIM.)I mean it’s set up so you can pay money for it if you want to but come on, who here is going to do that?

so:

PS: The current Myth Queue is- Beowulf (someone actually paid me ten bucks to tell this one, so it jumps to the front. Also i’m gonna do it in 3 parts since it’s one LONG motherfucker.)- Then Spring-heeled JackAlso I have just been commissioned to write a rap version of the Song of Roland, which I haven’t even read. So that’s gonna be fun.Keep requesting myths. I’ll keep taking your requests. You want to feel important, don’t you?

Also if you came late to the game, part 2 of the Aeneid is under this post.

Alright sowhen last we left our herohe was finally getting his ass over to italyBUT NOT SO FASTbecause FIRSThe has to goTO HELLLLLLto see his dad so his dad can tell him about the futurethis is not as easy as it soundsand it does not sound easy

basically in order to prove that the fates want Aeneis in hadeshe has to go into some nearby forestand find this golden branchand pull it off the tree it’s growing out ofand then give it to Charonthe boatguy of the damnedand then and only then does he get to fraternize with corpsesso he does all that shitwith the help of holy dovesand he goes to Charon like sup dude can you take me to hadesand charon is like bitch you best step offand Aeneas is like how about you say that to MY GOLD TWIGand charon is like oh shit fine

so than Aeneas is in helland who does he seebut DIDOcause she KILLED HERSELF OVER HIMso he feels kind of bad about thatbut anyway he finds his dadand then he is like sup dad did you wanna tell me somethingthat you could not have just told mewhen you showed up as a ghost earler?and his dad is like not really soni just wanted to tell you some facts about hellalso your descendants are going to found romeand it’s going to be a great empire and whatnotbecause this book is basically a propaganda piecefor the great roman empiredid i already how tell you how great caesar is going to behe’s going to be a pretty great dude no lie

so after Aeneas is done with all THAT bullshitit is time for him to get more of his men murderedso first off he and his men are sitting on the shores of italylike damn we are hungrylet’s eat some fruit using all of this awful rock hard bread as tablesoh man that fruit was nowhere near enough foodhow about we eat our breadtablesOH SNAPTHE HARPY’S CURSE JUST CAME TRUEWE JUST GOT SO HUNGRY WE ATE OUR TABLESTHAT WAS NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS WE EXPECTEDKIND OF FEEL GYPPED NOW GUYSso that’s one obstacle down

but then they still gotta found their kingdom and everythingso they go hit up this dude Latinusking of the latinsand also his daughterLaviniaand they are like hey can we chill for a whileand Latinus is like sure guys no problemhow about you just marry my daughter too while you’re at itbecause seeLatinius heard a prophecyall like “FOREIGN ARMY GONNA CONQUER YOUR KINGDOM SON”and he was like shit i better ask the oracle to clarify thisbecause everyone knows that is exactly what oracles dothey clarify thingsso basically the oracle is like HEY HEYYOU SHOULD MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER OFF TO AENEASNOT TURNUSWHO IS A GOOD FRIEND OF YOUR KINGDOMAND HAS BEEN COURTING HERFOR YEARSYEARRRRRRRRRRRRRSso Latinus is like sure no problemand that is what he does

but NOT SO FAST, SUGARTITSremember Juno?she is not ABOUT to let anyone be happy just yeti mean this is only book 7there are 12 bookswhat the fuck do you think is going to happen in the next fivesewing circle?FAT CHANCEman having read this fucking legendi really wish it had just ended herereading the Aeneid was not a pleasant experience for me

so ok what happens nextis Juno sends this fury Allectoto go piss off Latinus’s wife Amataby wrapping a snake around her legs or somethingso she is all like BLUH BLUH KILL AENEASand then Juno also tricks one of Aeneas’s dudesinto killing Turnus’s favorite stag accidentallywhich is apparently enough reasonfor shepherds to start murdering the FUCK out of Aeneas’s dudesand from that point it’s just a nonstop avalance of murderfor like 5 bookswait 4 booksyeah that’s rightthe murder does not stop until the VERY LAST PAGEand actually(SPOILER ALERT)it doesn’t even stop thenyou have to turn to the page after the last pagelikethe acknowledgementsalthough depending on the edition you’re readingthere might be murder in the acknowledgements tooyour best bet is to find one of the blank pagesthey always leave in the front and back of bookspresumably for people like me to draw dicks oni’ve been experimenting with these for YEARS and i have found NO OTHER USE FOR THEM

so yeah then a war happensTurnus is especially excited about thissince Aeneas was poised to snatch his womanbut really everyone is jazzed about special murder timewith the notable exceptionof king Latinusbut finallyafter a lot of yellinghe is just like CHRIST GUYS GET OFF MY DICKI’M GOING TO SLEEP DO WHAT YOU WANTso waryes

first thing Aeneas does is run awaynow to be fairhe is running away to get reinforcementsbut that is not going to stop mefrom calling him a pussyso he goes to a place called Latiumand gets him some Latiumsand then he sails his ass all the way to Arcadiawhere this king Evander guyis like YEAH SURE WE’LL HELP YOU KILL LATINSBUT FIRST LET US FEASTNOT LIKE YOU’VE GOT ANY TIME PRESSURE OR ANYTHINGso they feastand shoot the shit for a whileand then suddenly remember OH SHIT WE NEED TO GO FIGHT LATINSand they raise an army of several thousandbut there are too many dudes for Aeneas’s boatsso they have to walkwhich SUCKS

meanwhile Venus is like hey Vulcan(Hephaestus)make our kid Aeneas some armorand Vulcan is like hold onhow do I know that’s even my sonand Venus is like come on i’m your wifeand Vulcan is like you’re also a WHOREand Venus is like i’ll suck your dick if you make Aeneas some armorand Vulcan is like now THAT’S what i pay you for(why did he marry her?)so Aeneas is on his way back to the warwhen venus shows up like HEY SONGOT YOU SOME ARMORIT’S GOT THE HISTORY OF ROME ON ITPRETTY SWEET HUH

meanwhile Turnus is like hey Aeneas is gonehow about we kill all his dudesso he leads his army over to their campbut he can’t find a way inso he just sets their ships on firebut PLOT TWISTturns out the boats are made of sacred woodso instead of catching on firethey dive under the water and turn into NYMPHSBOOYAHat which point Turnus is just like fuck thisSIEGETIME

so the Trojans are well fucked at this pointand decide their best bet is to get word to Aeneasso they get these two dudesNisus and Eurylausto sneak out and get Aeneasbut apparently they confuse “sneak out and get Aeneas”with “kill as many Latins as possibleuntil they hear the sound of your massive lootbagand cut off your headsand parade them on stakes in front of the Trojan camp”these guys are not great at following directionsso then the Latins decide to attackthey manage to collapse a towerbut then the Trojans charge out of the fort like YAAAand kill a bunch of dudesthen Turnus kills a bunch of dudesand gets inside the citybut there’s too many dudes in thereso he has to jump in the river and float to safetyWHY DO THE LATINS NOT JUST SWIM IN THROUGH THE RIVER

Meanwhile Jupiter is watching this shit happenlike what the fuck Junowhat did you doJust stop, ok?please just stopand Juno is like psh finei guess enough people have diedand will continue to dieas a result of my dickery

then Aeneas gets a boatand arrives at the battleand everyone kills each other a whole bunchmainly Aeneas kills everyonebut also Turnus kills Pallaswho is the son of Evanderwho Aeneas was specifically supposed to protectand he gets REALLY PISSED OFF(kind of like Achilles and Patroclus in the Iliadkind of EXACTLY LIKE ACHILLES AND PATROCLUS IN THE ILIAD)and he kills even MORE dudespretty much singlehandedly winning the battlelike i don’t even know why he brought dudes with himthis guy is a one man meatgrinder

so at this point Juno is like can i please just make Turnus not dieand Jupiter is like psh fine i guessso Juno makes Turnus hallucinate SO HARDhe chases what he thinks is Aeneas onto a boatand then the boat sails awaygood luck explaining that later asshole

so then everyone is pretty tired of war for the next 12 daysand basically just dick aroundyou knowBURYING THEIR MOUNDS OF DEADand during this time king Latinus is also kind of like hey guyswe’re losing this warharder than anyone has ever lost a warand that is a tall orderconsidering the trojan war just fucking happenedcan we just cede some territory and bow out of this murderfest?and Turnus is like PUSSYand Latinus is like oh yeah tough guyhowsabout dueling Aeneas to end this shit for goodand Turnus is like NO TIME GOTTA GO FIGHT MORE TROJANScause see the trojans are on their way right at that very momentto fuck Lavinium down around the Latins’ earsand then fuck their ears

so along with the great warrior maiden CamillaTurnus rides out toyou guessed itmurder more dudesbut Camilla is murdering EVEN MORE DUDESMORE DUDES THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLEuntil she sees something shinyand gets herself stabbed trying to get itThe Aeneid:Most crucial piece of feminist literature ever?anyway it’s all downhill from thereand basically the Latins end up cowering in their citywishing they had never listened to Turnus

well Turnus finally decides to take responsibility for his actionsand duel Aeneas for all the marblesthose marbles being Lavinia’s titsbut Juno gets all worriedcuz she knows Aeneas is way better at killing than Turnus isso remember when Juno promised not to interfere anymore?well FUCK THAT SHITSHE’S A GODDESSSHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTSshe hits up Turnus’s sister Juturnalike hey chickget war started again so Turnus doesn’t have to die in this duelcome onyou have the powerto replace Turnus’s deathwith a thousand pointless deathsand Juturna is like I’LL DO ITso she dresses up like a nobleand goes over to the Latin soldierslike heyheyi bet you could win right nowif you all just threw your spearslookthey are totally not expecting you to do thisbecause they are HONORABLE FUCKING PEOPLEso a Latin dude throws his spearand then all hell breaks loosefor like the FOURTEENTH TIMEand when the smoke clearsAeneas has been shot in the legand Amata has been shot in the legand a bunch of dudes..wellthey have been killedand we are back to square onewith Turnus challenging Aeneas to a duel again

so this time they actually fightand Aeneas seems to have somehow acquired Turnus’s assat some earlier timebecause during this battlehe HANDS IT TO HIMand turnus is lying on the groundlike please Aeneasdon’t chop off my headyou can have Lavinia and everything it’s finei would just like to keep my head exactly where it is on my bodyand Aeneas is like nopeand kills him

and that ends the story of Aeneaswhich is basically just a combination of the Odyssey and Iliadwith most of the names changedand less mercyand a lot more hailing of Caesar and the Roman empireso the moral of the story isplagiarism is wrongunless it’s government sponsored plagiarism

Hey so first of allI wanna thank the good people from dailygrail.comfor singlehandedly composing most of my site trafficseriously you guys rockkeep doing that

second I want to thank the mysterious Afor rescuing me from writer’s block once againby requesting this myth

now i am sick of thanking people so let’s talk about boobs and violence

so you all remember the trojan war right?if you don’t, too badgonna pretend you doso basically after all the murdering happensthe trojans are stupid enoughto invite a giant hollow wooden horse full of enemies into their cityone thing leads to anotherand the next thing you know troy is on fireand the war is basically over because it is hard to have a war when you are on fire

BUT ALL IS NOT LOSTbecause there is this dude Aeneashe shows up somewhere in the Iliad pretty sureson of Venus and shitanyway he is in the middle of all this fire like FUCK THISand he goes and grabs his dadand his wifeand carries them out of the city on his backbut then he loses his wifebut it’s okay because like i said he is the SON OF VENUSso (spoiler alert) PUSSY IS NOT GOING TO BE HARD TO COME BYwe’ll get to that in a minute

oh yeah alsoguess who hates Aeneascould it be the same celestial antagonistwho repeatedly fucked over HERCULESAND IOAND GANYMEDEAND SEMELEAND PELIAS???you got it my friendsi’m talking about HeraAHEMJunobecause this story is basically a roman rebrandingof everything that was good about greecethink of the Aeneidas the 2001 Zac Snyder remakeof George Romero’s classic zombie film Dawn of the Deadwhere suddenly zombies can run really fastand they replace character development with a bus full of chainsawsokay that sounds sweeter than I intended to

ANYWAYso Aeneas gets some shipsand he puts some survivors on those shipsand they go gallivanting all over to thracewhere they find some creepy bleeding treeand then they go to Delos and Apollo is like sup guysyou better go to the land of your forefathersand they are like where is thatand Apollo is like shit i dunnofigure it outso they try Creteand start building a city therebut then they get a plagueand Apollo shows up like oh shit guys i just found my notesyou were supposed to go to Italymy bad

so they get on their boats againbut there is a stormand they end up on this island Strophadeswhere harpies show up to shit on their dinnerand they try and fight the harpiesbut the harpies are like HEY HOW ABOUT WE CURSE YOUBY SAYING THAT YOU WILL NOT GET TO SET UP YOUR KINGDOMUNTIL HUNGER DRIVES YOU TO EAT YOUR FUCKING TABLESand everyone is like shit that’s no good

so then they go to Buthrotumwhich is this greek citybut some trojans took it overafter they got brought there as prisonerstheir names are Helenus and Andromacheand they are like hey Aeneasif you wanna go to italyyou’re gonna have to go the long way aroundcuz if you go the short wayyou’re gonna have to deal with scylla and charybdisSEESEE HOW WE EXIST WITHIN THE CLASSIC GREEK CANONand then not only thatbut on their way around italythis dude comes running up to their ship like HOLY SHIT HELP MEand they are like who are youand he is like I AM ONE OF ODYSSEUS’S MENexcept he says Ulysses not Odysseusbecause the Romans just have to change EVERYBODY’S NAMESand he goes on to say that Ulysses stabbed a cyclops in the eyeand escapedand now this dude is cyclopsfucked up the yinyangand just then a bunch of cyclopes show upand Aeneas is like OH SHIT GET ON MY BOATand then they get the fuck out of there

so THEN is when Juno starts fucking with everybodysee Juno is pissed because Aeneas is supposed to eventually conquer carthagewhich is like Juno’s favorite city for some reasonso she hits up the wind god Aeoluslike hey dude howsabout ruining some ships for meso Aeolus is like WOOOSH MOTHERFUCKERSuntil posiedon sees what’s up and is like hey dudethis is my oceanyall best step offso the storm clears up just in timeand Aeneas and some of his crew arriveIN CARTHAGEand not only thatbut the queen thereDidosees Aeneas and is like WHOAI WANNA SHOVEL SOME OF THAT IN MY SEX FURNACEand why does she do this?she does this because Venus MAKES HER DO ITlike I saidNO TROUBLE GETTING LAID

so Dido sits Aeneas downand is like tell me about your travelsso he tells her all the shit i just told youin a flashback SHOCKINGLY REMINISCENT OF ODYSSEUS’S FLASHBACK TO THE PHAEACIANSand then Juno is like OH MY GOODNESSIF I GET THESE TWO LOVEBIRDS BANGIN REGULAR-LIKETHEN AENEAS WON’T EVER LEAVE TO START ROMEWHICH IS THE POINT OF HIS MISSIONso she goes over to Venus like heyVenuswanna help me get your son laidand Venus is like heyi know what you’re up tobut yes

so Dido and Aeneas start bangingregular-likebut then hermes shows up like hey aeneasyou have a quest rememberand Aeneas is like oh shit that’s rightlook Dido i know i took your honor and everythingbut i gotta goright now in the middle of the nightwhile you are asleepbefore you wake up and get mad at mebut then she wakes up and gets mad at himbut he still leavesand then she sets herself on fireso that’s fun

So Aeneas and co sail to Eryxwhere they have a nine day party in honor of his dad’s deathoh yeah his dad dieda year agoso much for saving him from that fireanyway the party includes a lot of sportsand everyone gets prizes no matter whatso they will all feel specialalso a guy punches a cow so hard its brain comes out

meanwhile Juno pisses off everybody’s wivesand they set all the ships on firebut then Aeneas is like hey Zeus I mean Jupiterput these fires outand Jupiter is like okbut then Aeneas is like fuck i don’t want all these homicidal wives on my ship maybe we should just make Rome hereand one of his dudes is like no manjust leave all the homicidal wives and old people hereand then we can go start rome with only the manliest menand then the ghost of Aeneas’s dad shows up like YESSSSALSO VISIT ME IN HELL SON

so with this sage advice,Aeneas gets back on his boatand starts sailing to italy againand Venus knowing that this is the perfect opportunity for more of Juno’s bullshitis like hey Poseidoni know you like making bigass waves and shitbut just this once could you chill out and let Aeneas sail uneventfully to Italy?and Poseidon is like fine i guessbut i’m gonna make a dude fall asleep at the wheel of his boatand fall off and diethat ok?and Venus is like sure fine

and i’m going to cut this short hereand continue on Thursdaybecause i do NOT want this postto be as long as the fucking Mabinogiand yall just keep requesting ultralong myths

I want to take this time to sayTo my good friend Andrew “D is for douchebag” GableThat I am very grateful to himFor recommending this myth(the last 3 myths were all recommendationsyou guys are on a roll)but dear god this myth is a clusterfuckand I hate you so muchyour name will rot in hell for eternity

SO THE MYTHAlright so there’s this king rightHis name is an unpronounceable string of consonantsJust like every other welsh nameI’m not even going to bother looking his up thoughAnd painfully transcribing it hereBecause he’s not that importantAnd neither is his wife GoleuddyddBut I needed to give you an exampleof the kind of shit I am dealing withanyway basically what happens is they have a kidKilhwchWho actually is pretty importantEven though the consonant to vowel ratio in his nameIs SIX TO ONEOk but then Goleuddydd diesand she is like hey husband I know you’re gonna marry some other chickbut at least wait until brambles start growing on my grave first okalso no cheatingyou can’t just plant brambles there or fail to take care of the gravethey have to be for serious bramblesand the king is like OH YEAH TOTALLYOOPS DID YOU DIE JUST NOW?HMM LOOKS LIKE BRAMBLES ARE GROWING ON YOUR GRAVEWIFETIME!

(actually to be fair he does wait 7 yearsbut he specifically doesn’t have anyone tend to the graveand he like rides by the graveyard every dayto check if any brambles are growing yet)

So he’s like hm who should I marryOh this other king has a wife I likeHow bout I take herSo he goes and murders the king and sacks his kingdomAnd takes his wifeAnd his wife’s daughterAnd then he is like hey new wife this is my son Kilhwch And his wife is like oh goodHey little boy wanna marry my daughterAnd Kilhwch is like I’M LIKE TWELVE GODDAMN YEARS OLD WOMANGIMME A MINUTE TO LET MY BALLS DROPAnd the chick is like fine assholeI hereby declareThat you are only allowed to marry this chick OlwynDaughter of professional huge asshole Yspadadden PenkawrAnd Kilhwch is like SWEET I LOVE OBSTACLESOh shit wait how am I going to pull this shit off

But luckily Kilhwch’s cousinIs KING MOTHERFUCKING ARTHURFOR WHOM NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLEAnd right now The dude is doling out favors like a mortally wounded piñataAll you gotta do is show upAnd ask him to cut your hairAnd BOOMINSTANT BOON

So Kilhwch shows up at arthur’s placeAnd the porter is like no you can’t come inAnd Kilhwch is like if you don’t let me in I’ll scream so loudYour wife will have an abortionAnd the porter is like lemme go talk to my bossHey bossI just saw THE MOST HONORABLE MAN POSSIBLE OUTSIDEAnd Arthur is like HOLY SHIT THAT IS HIGH PRAISEGET THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN HEREAnd kilhwch rides in on his horse like supI have all this hair and I need it cutCan we make this happenAnd Arthur is like YESSSSSSSSS

So while Arthur is making Kilhwch look all pretty and shitHe is like ok so while I’m cutting your hairAre there any boons I can get youAnd Kilhwch is like yeah as a matter of factI’m tryna marry this chick OlwynBut I can’t find her and am too lazy to trySo how about you get her for meI also need that exact same boonFrom all of your menExcept in the original textHe does not say it like thatHe specifically namesEACH AND EVERY ONE OF ARTHURS’ MENCOMPLETE WITH GENEOLOGY AND FUN FACTSSome of the facts are actually pretty funLike did you know That no one struck Morvan son of Tegid in battleBecause he was so butt ugly everyone thought he was a demon?Seriously there are all kinds of motherfuckers in this courtLike the chief leaper of IrelandAnd a dude whose specialty is ruining barnsAnd a guy who is dead already and I don’t know why he’s on the listBUT WHAT THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMONARE SHITTY UNPRONOUNCABLE NAMES

Here is a brief workshop on welsh naming conventions:

Step one: pick exactly one vowelStep two: pick seven or eight consonants worth at least 4 points each in scrabbleStep three: Add a wYou know whatFuck itAdd twelve of those little fuckersStep four: wonder where you went wrong in your life

Seriously Like this list goes on for PAGES and PAGESAn incomprehensible alphabet soup of pain and regretBut anyway back to the story

So Arthur is like hmNever heard of OlwynBut hold on let me spend a year sending messengers everywhereAnd then he sends messengers everywhereAnd a year later NONE OF THEM HAVE FOUND OLWYNSo Kilhwch is getting pretty pissedHe is like I did not come here and demand favors from youJust to have you not grant me those favorsAnd Arthur is like whoa whoa chill outI’ll send some of my best dudes out with youAnd you can find this chick and we’ll be coolHereTake KaiHe doesn’t need to sleep and he can breathe underwaterAlso he is waterproofAnd has all the powers of apache chief from the justice leagueAlso you can have BedwyrHe only has one hand but he’s a plucky underdog with something to proveAlso here’s a dude who speaks every languageAnd some other dudes who will pretty much never be mentioned againAlso MenwResident illusionist and deus ex machina

So the merry band sets out to go fuck up some shitAnd they find a castleAnd in front of the castle is a sheperd with a big dogHe’s a huge asshole and they happen to know thisBut it’s okay because Menw enchants the dog so it won’t attack themAnd then they walk up to him like hey supWhose castle is thisAnd he is like it is the castle of Yspadadden PenkawrCan’t you tellThen for some reason he invites them over to his house

So they all go sleep in his houseAnd they meet his wifeAnd Kilhwch is like hey do you know Olwyn I’m tryna get up on thatCan you summon her over here for meAnd the wife is like sureHey OlwynAnd olwyn is like whatAnd Kilhwch is like marry meAnd Olwyn is like I’d love toExcept it’s kind of my dad’s decisionAnd if I ever get married he’ll dieSo he tends to make it kind of hard on my suitorsBut as long as you go do whatever he asks you to doWe can start bangin’ straightaway

So the next day Kilhwch and crew go see YspadaddenLike hey daughter pleaseAnd Yspadadden is like sure no problemLemme just throw this poison spike at you firstAnd Bedwyr catches it and throws it at Yspadadden’s kneeAnd Yspadadden is like damn that hurt you are so fucking rudeSo then they come back the next dayAnd basically the same thing happensExcept Menw catches the dartAnd throws it through Yspadadden’s chestAnd Yspadadden is like dammit ow you rude bastardAnd then this happens AGAIN THE NEXT DAYExcept Kilhwch catches itAnd throws it through Yspadadden’s EYEAnd yspadadden is like JESUS THAT HURTSYOU WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE SON IN LAWBUT I AM OUT OF DARTS NOWSO WHAT DO YOU WANTAnd Kilhwch is like I said daughter plzAnd Yspadadden is like o sure no problemJust do me a favor firstAll you gotta doIs plow that field over thereAnd have it sproutBy the end of today

Now guysAre you thinking what I’m thinking at this point?That this sounds suspiciously like the storyOf Jason and the Argonauts?Well fear notBecause when Kilhwch is like psh no problemYspadadden proceeds to add THIRTY NINE COMPLICATIONSOr roughly that manyI kind of lost track when I got mired in this THICK LAKE OF BULLSHITYou know what I think happened?I think whoever wrote this Just had a WHOLE BUNCH OF REALLY GREAT STORY IDEASBut NOT A LOT OF TIMEAnd so he was like lemme use some of my trademark welsh efficiencyAnd even more of my trademark welsh CRAZYAnd just ramrod these storychunks together into a reconstituted legend pattyThen forcefeed it to the poor bastards tasked with reading this shitSo I’m going to spare you what I had to go throughAnd basically just break this shit down for youBecause if I told you all the tomfoolery Kilhwch is expected to accomplishYou would not remember itAnd you would hate me as much as I hate the guy who requested this myth

So here’s basically what Kilhwch has to do:CREATE THE ULTIMATE PARTY FOR HIS OWN WEDDING NIGHTLike he’s got to get a bunch of flaxAnd kill an evil boarAnd get some drink hornsAnd like a magic comb and scissors for Yspadadden to shave himself withAnd all of the dudes necessary to hunt these thingsOr just preside over the bullshitFor example the king of france is apparently vital to this operationEven though his only job is to watch everyone hunt this fucking boarAnd after every single ludicrous task Yspadadden mentionsKilhwch is just like sureNo problemI got this

But see Kilhwch has a secretWhich is that he has no intention of actually accomplishing this shit himselfHe just rolls on over to Arthur’s padLike hey dudeDo these things for meAnd Arthur is like sure buddy no problemAnd he raises the massive army necessary to do these thingsAnd they go gallivanting away on this dumbshit adventure

So the first thing they gotta do is get this sword belonging to this giantSo Kai is like hey giant lemme polish your swordAnd the giant is like sure my sword needs polishingAnd kai is like whoops I accidentally stabbed you to deathAnd now I have your sword

Then they gotta find this dude Mabon son of ModronSo they do the only sensible thingAnd go ask a birdWho leads them to a stagWho leads them to an eagleWho leads them to a giant salmon who happens to know where Mabon isSo I guess if you are looking for someoneJust ask pigeons about it and you are guaranteed success

Then they are supposed to find some wolf cubs that used to be peopleBut when they surround them with their armiesGod turns them back into peopleSo problem solved I guess

Then one dude saves some ants from a fireAnd they reward him with a ton of flaxWhich was another thing they needed apparently

Oh also they need to make a rope out of this dude’s beardSo they get him drunkAnd put him in a holeAnd then shave off his beardAnd make a ropeAnd then cut off his faceAt which point kai gets sick of this bullshit and quitsBUT THE QUESTS KEEP COMIN’

So then there is just another ream of unpronounceable welsh namesOnly these are mainly names of people who get killed during this questAlso they steal a cauldron from some irish dudeAnd then it is time for the big kahunaTwrch TrwythYeah that’s rightNO VOWELS AT ALLFUCK YOU READERSIF YOU COUNT Y AS A VOWEL YOU’RE A BAD PERSONAnyway Twrch is a boarHe is a boar who for some reason carries hair care supplies between his earsMAGICAL hair care suppliesAnd he has a bunch of evil pigs that follow him aroundAnd in fact he used to be a kingBut he got turned into a boar cause he was a pretty bad dude

So enough backstoryBasically Arthur chases him down with all his dudes for like several yearsAnd there are pages and pages of names of different dudes who got killedAnd then Mabon finally shows upRiding the steed Kilhwch was supposed to get himWielding the sword Kilhwch was supposed to get himAll so that Mabon could kill the boarAnd then Mabon kills the boarAnd they get the scissors from his scalpAnd bring them to YspadaddenWho is like aw god dammitAnd shaves his faceAnd then Kilhwch is like damn rightAnd murders himAnd then marries his daughterAnd has the sweetest party everAnd they live happily ever after

So the moral of this storyIs you do not need courageOr strengthOr clevernessTo accomplish your goalsYou need to be related to king ArthurBecause in the endThe real heroIs nepotism

Still working on that rap guys
keep your pants on
no one wants to see your grotesque hairy legs

SO!

today’s myth is brought to you by the letter a
for ARGONAUTS
which is the name
for a group of dudes
(or “NAUTS”)
who sailed on a ship called the ARGO
which was named after a dude Argus
who coincidentally made that boat
and named it after himself
because he was apparently pretty proud of it

but wait
wait
lemme fill you in on some backstory right quick
because the main character of our story
is this dude Jason
whose main claim to fame
is being popped out of he right vag
at the right time
seeing as he is the son of this king named Ioclus
who got deposed by his asshole brother Pelias
who hera has a massive problem with
because he apparently honors every single god
EXCEPT FOR HER
So apparently in Pelias-land
it is extremely important
to make sure that every god likes you
EXCEPT THE GODDESS OF REVENGE

now as we’ve seen before
hera is a prettyvindictivelady
so she sets about making sure Jason is a hero
so he can eventually kill his uncle or whatever
oh yeah and Pelias totally wants to kill Jason by the way
for exactly this reason
but Jason’s mom fools the shit out of him
by being like OH WHOOPS MY BABY DIED
I AM SO SAD
NO NEED TO FACT-CHECK MY STATEMENT
LOOK AT THESE TEARS THEY ARE THE GENUINE ARTICLE
and then later Jason lives with a centaur for a bit
and then starts doing adventure stuff

so basically the first adventure Jason has
is he is on his way to go kill his uncle
when he comes to this wicked brutal river
and there is this old lady on one side
all like please sonny will you ferry me across this here waterstreet
and jason is like sure no problem
do i get a merit badge or some shit
and the old woman is like nope you just get to almost drown
because i am secretly hera
also super heavy
also you are going to lose a sandal in the river
and Jason is like sounds great let’s do it

so Jason finally shows up to Pelias’s place
like hey dude
i hear you have something that belongs to me
it’s called my kingdom
I would like that right now please
and Pelias is like what
you don’t even have both shoes
how am I supposed to take you seriously
when you can’t even operate a pair of shoes
here come have dinner with me little dumbass

so they start boozin’ it up together
and Pelias is like so you want to be king eh
and Jason is like fuck yeah
and Pelias is like well you know
kings have to deal with all kinds of problems
can you help me solve a problem
and jason is like sure
and pelias is like okay so
there’s this guy
in my court
in fact i’m eating dinner with him right now
I wish he would go away
and then die
if you were in my position what would you do
and jason is like hmmmm
well I guess I’d send him on a suicide mission to go get the golden fleece
it is this worthless artifact
that only an idiot would agree to go after
and Pelias is like hey do you wanna go get the golden fleece for me?
and Jason is like DO I?!
YESSSSSSSSSS

so then he goes out and get that boat built and everything
and athena helps out with making the mast
such that it has a weird human voice and whispers useless secrets
so great job athena
and meanwhile Jason goes out
and assembles an all star team
of BASICALLY EVERY HERO EVER
to be on his doomboat
seriously
he’s got Hercules
and Theseus
and Orpheus
and Peleus
and Bellerophon
and Atalanta
and like a dozen others I’ll prolly add later
this right here
this could be a table of contents for my blog

anyway all these dudes
(and one dudette)
are stupidly gung ho about this death mission
because basically this is what you do when you’re a hero
time and time again you drag your naked ass into the butcher shop
and you slap your giant cock and balls down on the cutting board
and you look that butcher in the eyes
and you DARE HIM to pick up that knife
or in atalanta’s case I guess you put your tits on the cutting board?
someone else’s dick maybe?
the parallel is unclear
BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THESE GUYS ARE ON A FUCKING SUICIDE ADVENTURE

so stop number 1
is an island populated entirely by women
where they remain for several weeks
for no very clear reason
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
I know I keep coming back to Atalanta
but i kind of feel bad for her in this situation
although I guess first of all she was a dedicated virgin at this point
and second of all even if she wasn’t
she’s basically got VIP seating
on the carnival cruise of sausage
so things are working out pretty ok for her

anyway after that sexy little detour
they go to this place called Samydessus
but the king
Phineas
is not too jazzed to see them
because his castle is suffering
from an acute harpy infestation
which basically means
that every day
around mealtime
a whole bunch of ugly screaming birdwenches
swoop down from the rafters
screaming and shitting all over everything
but that’s fine
because two of the argonauts can fly for no good reason
so they chase off the harpies
and then everything is awesome again

and as thanks
phineas tells them about an upcoming booby trap
hehe booby
that is just these two massive rocks
that clap your ship to pieces
so basically like that shitty trap from every platformer ever
but in real life
in the ocean
and the solution?
chuck a bird through first
sacrifice the shit out of that fucker
and by doing this they manage to get through
and the ship is only slightly crushed

so after all this sex and bullshit
the argonauts finally get to Colchis
where the golden fleece is
but there is a problem
see there’s this king
Aeetes
who is convinced that this golden fleece belongs to him
because it is in his kingdom
and he has a dragon guarding it or whatever
so when Jason shows up like hey gimme dat fleece
the king is like sure no problem
all you gotta do for me is a couple household chores
go yoke those bulls over there
and plow my fields
and plant these seeds
by the end of today
PS the bulls breathe fire and hate you

but see luckily for Jason
Hera has strongarmed slutgoddess Aphrodite
into making one of Aeetes’ daughters
(Medea)
Fall head over junk for Jason’s butcher block bound mansausage
and what’s more
Medea happens to be a pretty sweet sorceress
so she is like hey Jason
I’ll make you an asbestos elixir if you suck my tits
and Jason is like I CAN’T LOSE

so he rubs asbestos all over his body
and the bulls cannot harm him
and he plows the field with them
and then scatters the seeds all over the place
oh wait did i say seeds
I meant DRAGON TEETH
HOW COULD HE HAVE MISTAKEN THESE FOR SEEDS
anyway whereas seeds turn into things like plants and fruit
dragon teeth turn into armies of angry warriors
bent on your destruction
so that’s an immediate problem
except not really
because Medea gives Jason some pretty sweet psychological advice
which is hey throw a rock at one of those guys
and Jason does
and he hits a dude in the head
and that dude makes the natural assumption
that one of his friends threw a rock at him
and kills his friend
which just leads to a massive bloodbath circlejerk
and the day is saved
raising the question
WHERE ARE THE OTHER ARGONAUTS
I mean come on
this is a motherfucking dream team right here
in fact
if you took a dream team
pounded them into liquid
churned that liquid into the heavy whipping cream of the crop
and spread that shit all over lady luck’s naughty bits
you would not have a more complete hero experience
than the one present on board the good ship Argo
and yet at the first sign of actual combat
the conflict is quickly reduced to an arms race
between a bunch of teeth
and a rock

so anyway Aeetes is pretty pissed about this
but he just smiles and is like
great job Jason and also my daughter
guess I have to give you the golden fleece now
(psst Medea i’m totally not going to give him the fleece
i’m just going to kill him
i can trust you with this information yes?)
at which point medea is like
(psst Jason
my dad wants to kill you
wanna go get us some golden motherfucking fleece?)
and jason is like why are we whispering
yeah let’s fucking do it

so they go to the sacred grove with the fleece in it
which is guarded by a dragon by the way
whole lotta dragons in this myth
anyway jason is like oh will you look at that
according to my sundial
it is SWORD O’CLOCK
BYAAAAAAA
but medea is like shh honey
i know you are all about swords and bad decisions
but how about you let me handle this
and then she just rubs a sleeping potion on a dragon
and jason grabs the fleece
and they get on the boat
with all the other heroes
who have probably just been getting blackout drunk this whole time
and they sail back home
and then Jason immediately dumps medea for some whore
provoking all kinds of nastiness

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need common sense or better judgement
when you have divine favor and disposable women

also I bet you are muttering to yourselves
what the fuck is a golden fleece?
well that, my friends
is a story for another time

A dude gave me 20 dollarsso I am in the process of recording a rapabout motherfucking OEDIPUS REXsee what i did theremotherfucking?ha HA!anyway that should be done by the end of the week or somethingkeep your ears peeledexcept not literally that would be grossthat’s some serial killer shitANYWAY here’s a myth suggested by this dude(tte?) Husker

So this kid Faustus right

actually he is not a kid he is a grown manhe is grown as FUCK actuallyhe is so grown he has likeA PhD in philosophyand he’s a lawyeralso a doctorprobably got a MBA in tapdancing or some shitpoint is this dude is a career academic

but he is SURPRISINGLY UNSATISFIEDin fact as our story beginshe is pacing back and forth in his studylike HMM WHAT IS THE BEST SCIENCE?MEDICINE?NOPE.LAW?NOPE.LOGIC? NOPE.OH I KNOWNECROMANCYTHAT’S TOTALLY A SCIENCELET’S DO THIS

so he hits up his shitty evil friendsValdes and Corneliusoh come on how can you not be evil with a name like corneliusor valdes for that matterthose are some evil goddamn namesOH SHIT SEGUEbecause damning god is exactly what these fools are about to doin fact by the time they leavefaustus is damning god so hardthat this demon mephistopheles shows up like FINE WHATWHAT DO YOU WANTand faustus is like do my biddingand mephistopheles is like DO YOU HAVE A SOUL I CAN BORROWNOT REALLY SURE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK TO YOUI JUST NEED SOME SOULS TO GET THIS PARTY STARTEDand faustus is like how about i give you my soul in 24 yearsand in the meantime you do my fucking biddingand Mephistopheles is likewelllemme check with my boss

GUYSTHERE IS NO HAGGLING AT ALLAND FAUSTUS DOES NOT EVEN TRY TO STARTFROM A NONSHITTY BARGAINING POSITION24 FUCKING YEARS?WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN 24 YEARS ASSHOLEWRITE A FUCKING MEMOIR?YOU COULDN’T HAVE ASKED FORI DON’T KNOWTWENTY FIVE YEARS?!HOW ABOUT 30 OR SO?WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?DID YOU LOOK UP THE BLUE BOOK VALUE OF YOUR SOUL IN ADVANCE?THERE IS NO EXCUSE

meanwhile faustus’s servant Wagner steals one of his booksand uses a bunch of shitty magic to scare a clown

BACK TO THE MAIN ACTIONmephistopheles shows up like AHOY BITCHI BROUGHT A CONTRACT FOR YOU TO SIGN IN BLOODand faustus’s conscience is like no don’t do itand faustus is like FUCK YOU CONSCIENCE I’M A SCIENTISTALSO A NECROMANCERhey mephistopheles i’m not gonna get aids from this am I?and mephistopheles is like no worries dudewe sterilize all our satan knivesgo nutsso faustus goes nutsand cuts his armbut his blood is like FUCK NO DUDEAIN’T GOIN’ NEAR THAT FUCKING CONTRACTand it clots right the fuck upand mephistopheles is like I KNOWI’LL USE FIRE ON ITso he goes off to get some fireand faustus is like i dunno about this manmy blood seems pretty suspicious of this dealI am actually going to have to set my blood on fireif i want to do thisthat is more inauspicious than a broken mirror covered in saltunder a ladderwith vampires stapled to the sidesoh well fuck itand he signs the contract anyway

so now faustus has his very own demon slaveand he is like hey mephistophelestell me facts about the universeand mephistopheles is like sure okand faustus is like who made the universeand mephistopheles is like i plead the 5thand faustus is like aw manthis is lamehow about I TAKE BACK MY SOUL?and mephistopheles is likehow about i distract you with this mini-playabout the seven deadly sinsand faustus is like AWESOMEDEAL

meanwhile fastus’s horsekeeper Robin finds one of his booksand calls up his buddy rafeand is like DUUUUUUUDELET’S GO TO A BARI WILL CONJURE ALL THE BOOZE

OKAY BACK TO PLOTso apparently fastus’s first order of businessafter using his superpowers to gain infinite knowledgeis to go to Rome and prank the popeguysGermany is practically within WALKING DISTANCE OF ITALYTHEY WERE ON THE SAME SIDE IN WORLD WAR TWOSOMEONE IS UNDERUTILIZING HIS RESOURCES HEREanyway basically he and mephistopheles show upturn invisibleeat all the foodpunch the pope in the headbeat the shit out of everyoneset off a bunch of fireworksand leaveand this bullshit nets faustus an invitation to chill with the king of germany

MEANWHILE ROBIN AND RAFE HAVE STOLEN SOME KIND OF CUPit is apparently a valuable cupbecause the dude who owns it is chasing themthey quickly put an end to thisby summoning MEPHISTOPHELESwho is like seriously guysyou made me come all the way over herebecause you wanted a fucking cupyou keep this shit up and you guys are getting turned into ANIMALSi’m going to Turkeyor germany or something

so faustus teleports back to germanyto see this king who is like hey dudeconjure alexander the greatand faustus is like sure no problemherealso here is his loveralso here are some dudes he killedwatch him kill them againlook here’s a horseyou want some elephantsyou want a hot air balloon full of titsI can make that happeni can keep going with this shit all night

but then this dude Benvoliowho is nursing a WICKED HANGOVERis like BOOO YOU SUCKand faustus is like i suck eh?do i suck as bad as HAVING ANTLERS ON YOUR HEAD?LET ME KNOWBECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME NOWand then benvolio is like ima kill youand chops off faustus’s headand faustus just puts that shit back onlike bitchi did not sell my soul to satanjust to get decapitated by some candyass lightweightwith ANTLERS ON HIS HEADhope you like having demons drag your dick through thornsthen throw you off a cliffbecause that is the new itinerary i just made for youhave fun cockwit

then on his way homefaustus runs into some dude who buys horsesand he is like hey do you want to buy a horsei’ll sell it to you cheapbut rememberNEVER RIDE THIS HORSE IN WATERFOR UNSPECIFIED REASONSand the horse dude is like sure okand then IMMEDIATELY RIDES IT INTO WATERAND IT TURNS INTO STRAWso naturally he gets pretty pissedand he goes and finds faustus sleepingand he’s like hey assbasketwake the fuck upand faustus is all ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZand the horsedude is like how about I PULL ON YOUR LEGand faustus’s leg COMES OFF IN HIS HANDand the dude is like SHIT I JUST STOLE A BODY PARTI’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAILAAAAAAand he runs away with the legat which point faustus grows a new legand starts laughing his ass off

so horsemaster retard goes and finds another dudewho sells haywho faustus ripped offbasically by eating all of his hay for some reasonand then two of themplus robin and rafewho are just shitfaced and having a good timeall go confront faustus in some royal courtwhere he is busy making a plate of grapes out of thin airguys is it just me or have faustus’s tricks gotten progressively shittieras this story has gone onit used to be BOOM INFINITE KNOWLEDGEnow it is like hey…grapesanyway the angry dudes show upand faustus uses magic to make them muteand everyone lives happily ever after

EXCEPT NOT REALLYbecause then faustus goes back to his old officeand spends some time dicking aroundconjuring helen of troy and shitand then this old dude shows uplike hey faustusyou know how you sold your soul to lucifer?like with a contract and everything?well guess whatif you act nowyou can repent and COMPLETELY ABANDON YOUR AGREEMENTNO MONEY DOWNNO OBLIGATIONABSO-FUCKING FREEand faustus is like hm nopei think i’d rather sign an extra contract with satanso i can go to double hell instead of regular hellsounds more hardcore

so then mephistopheles shows up like WELP IT’S HELLTIMEand faustus is like WAIT I REPENTand mephistopheles is like too late assholeyou could have repented beforelike ten minutes agobut you have PASSED THE ARBITRARY CUTOFF POINTPREPARE TO GET SPINEFUCKED BY THE FLAMING DICK OF THE DAMNEDand then faustus gets dragged to helland spends the rest of eternity in an endless flaming gangbang

so the moral of the story isyou can totally get away with selling your soulas long as you repent at the last possible momentalsothe last possible momentis probably some time BEFORE you sign a second contractand demons show up to physically drag you into the infernotiming is everything

Okay so guys first of allremember a couple days agowhen i said you should look to the leftfor some reasoni actually meant look to the righti was trying to trick youi was talking about that little link over therethat says A SMORGASBORD OF MYTHOLOGYbut it’s ok because it wasn’t ready thenand it’s still not totally ready nowbut it is at least more readyanyway go click it or somethingand i will let you know when it is finished

SOORGIES

alright so this mythtakes place back in the daysright after bacchus was bornwhen a lot of people still refused to believethat there was an actual godof getting drunk and partying nonstop until you vomit rainbowsand so basically he had to prove he was a godby killing a bunch of dudes and turning the rest into animalsi like to think he was not totally into thisand was just kind of like dammit guysi just wanna have a fucking partyand if i have to kill half of you and turn the other half into dolphinsSO HELP ME I WILL DO IT

so anyway there’s this orgy going onwhere all the women everywhereworship bacchus by ditching work and fucking each otherand sometimes rippin’ off dudes’ facesit is kind of incredibly sweetbut there are these chicksthe daughters of Minyaswho are determined to totally buzzkill the partythey are like heylet’s stay in our house all dayand not give our servants the day offand just weave shitand talk about how much better we are than the orgy peoplebecause we worship athenathe goddess of not having fun sexy timesalso weaving

so this is exactly what they doand meanwhileto pass the timeor maybe just to drown out the orgy soundsthey start telling storiesthey tell some pretty sweet storieslike they tell the story of pyramus and thisbeand that one about hephaestus pranking aresand the one where the sun falls in love with some chickand also the one about where hermaphrodites come fromand then they run out of stories or somethingand bacchus is like WELL LADIESI WAS ENJOYING YOUR STORIES AS A BACKDROP TO ALL THIS SEX I’M HAVINGBUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO TURN INTO BATS

so then all the chicks are not chicksthey are batsand they go screeching all the fuck over everywhereproving once and for allthat if anyone ever invites you to an orgyyou better ACCEPT THAT INVITATION

so there’s this demonHIRANYAKASHIPUapparently when they were handing out namesthis guy was too poor to buy a real oneand just picked up all the discarded syllables off the floorand made this clusterfuck of a hero sandwich out of lettersanyway this demonHIRANYAKASHIPUspends a whole bunch of time doing penancefor nothing at allor maybe for all the really bad shit he is planning on doing in the futureeither way he finishes all this penanceand he hits up Brahma (the tithungry ultragod)and is like can I get a boonand Brahma is like well since you did all this penanceand you didn’t even do anything wrongyou have atoned so hard that you get SUPERPOWERSso sure what do you wantand this demonHIRANYAKASHIPUis like ahemi have rehearsed thishold on

I want to not be killedduring the day or at nightin a house or outside a houseor on earth or in the skyneither by man or by animalhe also says neither by astra nor shastrabut all i can find on the subjectsuggests that a shastra is a code of laws or somethingand i don’t even know what an astra isso maybe he is worried about some kind of papercut?

so brahma is like sure dudei meanyou realizeyou could have just said “I want to never be killed”that would have been a lot simplerand probably a lot more foolproofseriously dude this is some macbeth shityou are just begging for someone to kill you on a technicalityand the demonHIRANYAKASHIPUis like i don’t even give a fuck I am declaring WAR ON YOU RIGHT NOWSEEING AS I CANNOT BE KILLED EVER AT ALLMY PLAN IS SO FOOLPROOFFOOLS ARE JUST SLIDING OFF OF MY PLAN LIKE GREASED BUTTER OFF A DUCKA DUCK THAT DEFLECTS BUTTER INSTEAD OF WATERGREASED BUTTERANYWAY WARTIME

so then he goes around terrorizing the shit out of 100% of everyoneand he is like guess what guysi am hereby changing the name of every townto murdertownuntil all yall agree to stop worshipping godsand start worshipping methe demonHIRANYAKASHIPUand everyone is like what how can we we worship you we don’t even fully understand what your name isand the demonHIRANYAKASHIPU is like oh look i just ate your chest and everyone is like ALL HAIL… THIS GUY

but there is one dude who will not worship this cockblisterand it just happens to be HIS VERY OWN SONPRAHLADAsee Prahlada is just all about lord Vishnu(see i told you this story was going to be about Vishnuyou need to learn to trust me my friends)and no matter how much murder his dad does,Prahlada just does NOTSTOPBELIEVING

so naturally this pisses mister HIRANYAKASHIPU offand he is like sonthere comes a time in every man’s lifewhere his father puts poison in his mouthand then tramples him with elephants in a room full of hungry snakesthat time is nowgood luckand then six hours later he is like FUCKING DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU ALIVEI mean hey son what’s upi need you to go sit in this fire i am building for youit is a very special birthday gift from me to youand Prahlada is like it’s not my birthdayand Hiranyakashipu is like LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEARGET IN THE FUCKING FIRElook your evil aunt Holika is already in therenot burning up or anythingit’s totally fine

of course what he neglects to mentionis that Holika is IMMUNE TO FIREas a result of another one of Brahma’s retarded boonsseriously this dude is just handing out boonslike oh thank you for the delivery pizza geeze i don’t have any cashdo you accept boonsanyway Prahlada is like WHATEVER DADI’LL GET IN THE FIRE IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPYand he gets in that fire

so he’s sitting there in this fire with his evil asbestos auntand he is like hey vishnucan you make me not catch on fireand vishnu is like donealso as an added bonusHolika is on fire nowI guess I gave you her fire resistance or somethingwhoopshold on I’ll be there in a second don’t move

so then Vishnu shows uponly he’s not Vishnuhe is a dude with a LION HEADalso clawshe is basically the minotaurbut with LIONSholy shitand he is like hey HiranyakawhateverI heard there was a potluckso i brought some murderbut i didn’t make enough for everybodyjust you basically

so then basically what he doesis he takes hiranyakashakaand he forces him to sit in his laplike some kind of hindu murdersantaand vishnu’s lapas you might have guessedis neither heaven nor earthand he is sitting on the front porch of the demon’s housewhich is neither inside nor outside technicallyalso since he is a weird lion dudehe is neither man nor animaland no one knows what ashtra or shastra is so that’s mootalso it is twilight so there’s that

anyway then Hiranyakaboo is deadand everybody celebrates by throwing paint at each otherthis actually still happens in india

so the moral of the storyis next time you get a genie or a retarded boon just wish for immortalitybecause you just cannot prepare for crafty lion-dudes

when last we left our heroesset just got finished murdering Osirisand then tearing up his bodyand eating his dickand then isis put him back together and hooray

BUT ALL IS NOT WELLbecause as soon as Osiris gets resurrected or whateverISIS GETS PREGNANT WITH THIS DUDE HORUSwell actually that is not the bad partbecause horus is a pretty cool dude honestlyno see the bad partis that seeing as set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICKjust to prevent him from getting a proper burialall signs point towards he is going to murder the shit out of this babyespecially since horus is like basically fatedto murder the shit out of set if he ever gets old enough

so isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murderbut then one day set is like HEY ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILLand isis is like SPINNING MILL HOORAYand then set is like oh did i say spinning milli meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVERI AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSIONBUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IS A SPINNING MILLDOESN’T MATTER CAUSE THIS IS A PRISON NOT A SPINNING MILL

so isis is understandably upset about thisand in fact so is this super wise dude thothso he comes down and is like hey isishow would you like to escape this prisonand isis is like i would like that a lotso thoth is like boomproblem solvedherehave some scorpionsand isis is like WHAT THE FUCK SCORPIONSand thoth is like chill out girlthese scorpions will guide you to safetytrust me i’m the fucking god of wisdom ok

so isis takes horusand follows these 7 scorpionsfor like A FUCKING WEEKno one has any ideas where they are goingprobably because the guides in this scenarioare goddamn SCORPIONSSCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES MY FRIENDTHEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE SHIT OUT YOUBUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTIONanyway after like a week or whateverisis and the scorpions and horus finally arrive in some townand isis see’s this rich chick’s houseand she goes up to it like hey hey open upand the rich chick is like oh why hello thereHOLY SHIT SCORPIONSNO WAYNO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO NOso once againscorpions: THE ULTIMATE GUIDES?

but so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her doorthen this poor chick is like oh hey therei see you have scorpionsi’m poor i’m not afraid to diecome crash at my hovelso everybody goes over to the poor chick’s placebut thenPLOT TWISTthe scorpions all throw a shit fitabout not being invited into the other houseand they are like let’s go murder her BABIESTHUS PROVING ALL OF HER DOUBTS ABOUT USCOME ON WE’RE SCORPIONS LET’S DO THISso they go inside and they sting the shit out of the chick’s babyand she hears the baby crying and she is like fuuuuuuuucki hope that is not the sound of my babygetting stungby SCORPIONSthat would be terribleoh wait that is exactly what it is

so isis hears all this commotionand she is like GOD DAMMIT SCORPIONSYOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDESNOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMSso she runs up to where the baby isyou knowdyingand she is like hey poison inside that babyand the poison is like SUPand she is like get out of that babyand the poison is like dammit fineand then the rich chick realizes she is dealing with a fucking GODDESSand is like aw crapguess i better give all my money to the poor chickand then isis leaves like ANOTHER DAY SAVEDTHANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS

so then eventually she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check outand she hides horus in the mudlike ok soni am going to bury you in marshfilth nowamong poisonous animalssome of which I KNOW are irritable scorpionsso justtry not to move around too muchi’m gonna go get burgers

so later isis comes backand she is like horus i got burgerswould you like some burgershey you can move slightly more than that you knowactually you don’t seem to be moving at allor like breathing or anythingoh fuck what happenedSet did you do thisand set is like yupstraight up turned into a snakebit your kidwhat now bitch

and isis is like this is what nowand she screams the most heavy metal scream possibleit is so metalit STOPS THE SUNor more accuratelyTHE SUNBOATbecause the sun is not just a massive ball of superhot gasesit is also a BOATYEAHHHHHHHHHHHand Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuffand it stops all of a suddenmaybe there is even one of those record scratch sounds from bad teen moviesand everyone is like whaaaaaaaaatwho threw a giant gleaming boner into the middle of our festivitiesthoth go find out what isis is angry about

so thoth goes down to where isis is crying her face oflike what the fuck isis what did you do that forand isis is like look i know you are itching to get your bone onbut could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quickand thoth is like oh yeah sure no problemboomsolving ALL your problemsby the way how were those scorpions i hooked you up withpretty sweet rightand isis is like they were a pack of angry scorpionsthat you gaveto a single mother with a child

anyway then horus is not dying anymorebut he and isis still have to hide out in the marshes until he is old enough to get his balls up and murder set

so basically the moral of the storyis that scorpions are never helpfulthey will sting all the babiesand then lead you to a marsh full of snakesget a fucking terrier or something