Saturday, March 31, 2007

Today is the kind of day where I want to ignore the harsh realities of the world and stay in bed. I won't because I'm supposed to be somewhere. If I wasn't supposed to be somewhere? I still probably wouldn't. The last thing I should be doing is making things worse.

I hate dating. I hate putting myself out there. I hate rejection. I'm so discouraged.

What the events of the last few months make me wonder is this: Maybe the universe is telling me that I am in fact not ready to find "the one." Maybe I'm supposed to concentrate on my career for awhile. Maybe I need more "me" time.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I have already sent an email on Match and looked around (albeit briefly) and I'm already discouraged.

For two reasons:1. All of the cute ones have "a faith that is important" to them. Not for me.2. I have to immediately pass over an profiles that begin with "I'm tired of the bar scene" or "I never thought I would try online dating" or "This has worked for a few of my friends so I thought I would try it."

Please. Enough. Come up with some new material. Use adjectives!

I did enjoy the happiness and calm for a brief, glimmer of a moment. It was nice, wasn't it?

Just landed this new, high paying, super fantastic job. Dating this great guy who really digs me. Credit card debt down, savings up. Everyone I love is alive and well. Hair is growing out nicely, I'm managing my weight and have even gotten comments that I look like I have lost weight (I know, a mystery to me as well). Roof over my head, great make up, nice clothes, great friends. Honestly, things have never looked better.

Because I'm an intelligent person with quite a bit of common sense (I think), I can recognize all of the above.

But I'm not enjoying it. In fact...I feel mildly miserable. Self doubt is creeping up, I'm second guessing myself and I just feel sick about it. Why why WHY?

Am I so used to drama that I'm upset about not having to deal with it?

Monday, March 26, 2007

I was thinking about writing this very graphic, potentially offensive entry about a recent physical problem of mine, but I thought it was entirely too much. But I will tell you what it would have been about: 'Roids. That is all I will say. Use your active imaginations. I have no doubt you'll come up with something more horrifying that I would ever imagine to write. Or some of you would.

Next up: The last week and a half of work. It's extremely difficult to stay motivated. Gmail and online shopping are terrible distractions. It I had iTunes on there, it would be all over.

I need a vacation.

I feel as though things are going pretty well for me right now. Let's not break the cycle of good!

But you know what happens when things start to go well? Say it with me now...SABOTAGE. Yes, that's right. I'm already finding things wrong with my current state and nit picking. It's a terrible habbit that I need to break. It's just hard when you are so used to living life with this perpetual sense of dread. But awareness is the first step towards change or whatever, right?

Unfortunately, shitty things are happening to people that I care about. In some cases, really life changing, shitty things. That's not cool and it makes me very sad. I hope they know I am here for them.

Friday, March 23, 2007

I just realized that I never wrote about meeting Bill's friends last week when we all went out for his birthday.

They were all very nice and welcoming and funny. I did not feel left out or a non-member of the in crowd for the entire night. I can tell they care about Bill.

He will meet a new friend of mine tonight, along with a bunch of people (who I was promised will be cool) that I have never met. Out in public...with people I know...

Maybe that is why I'm freaking out. Will he be a social perahya (some of you will notice that this has a double meaning...)? Will he complain about the crowd (I'm sure I will)? Will my friend think he's cool, will I think he's cool?

I accepted a new job on Wednesday and gave my notice here. I told the team yesterday. The client does not know yet, so it doesn't seem real to me. I'm supposed to be working on filling all of these jobs that I have open, but I have this overwhelming feeling of anxiety today. I can't focus and I'm freaking out.

The new job is so huge and such a great opportunity that it borders on scary and intimidating. Self confidence will be key, so let's hope I get that back in full force soon.

I am so wishy washy about Bill. It's driving me crazy right now for some reason. I was doing so well! I like him, then I'm just "eh" about him. I need to and want to let it ride. All signs point to him being a good guy for me. And am I nit picking it in order to sabotage it or am I really "not that into him"? Who knows. What I do know is that I hate how he never asks me how I'm doing. I can see now why the ex broke up with him due to lack of communication. He knows he's bad at it, and acceptance and awareness are usually the biggest hurdles to overcome. He has been great about me being a cranky bitch, and that's hard to come by. He lets me do laundry in his apartment. I told him to buy a new mop and clean his stove...and he did. He makes me laugh, he cooks me food, he makes a mean cocktail.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

So I made dinner for Bill last night and it actually turned out fairly well. Who knew?

What I liked about cooking (and the clean up afterwards) is that it was a project with specific steps and a definitive beginning and end. And I get to follow directions and cross things off a list? What's not to like?

Needless to say, Bill really liked it. Sure, he isn't the best at expressing himself, but he knows it and he tries pretty hard. It was cute.

I stayed last night and this morning was a rude awakening. I'm not used to human interaction before I take a shower and put on my makeup on a weekday morning, so that part was a bit rocky. He sent me an email today about how chipper I was.

What does he expect when he turns on a light in the pitch dark without warning me? That I'm going to shit rainbows?

Monday, March 12, 2007

Bill's birthday is on Wednesday and I am doing something that I literally thought I would never do: I am attempting to cook something. And not just anything, but an actual meal (with appetizer!) using an actual recipe.

Anyone who knows me knows that cooking is not something that I do. It doesn't interest me and it doesn't seem fun. Everything tastes better when someone else makes it anyway. So why bother?

So it occurred to me earlier today while I was searching for a fish taco (Bill happened to mention last night that this is one of his favorites) recipe online, I must really dig this guy. Not only that, but he told me that I didn't need to make anything, didn't need to do anything at all in fact. Is he just being polite or does he really mean that? I think it's safe to say that the latter is 100% applicable. I know this because this is what I always say to people who say they are going to do something nice for me on my birthday. Half of me wants them not to bother because I will most likely be disappointed anyway, but the other half of me really wants that birthday surprise.

I told him last night that me doing anything for his birthday was going to be terribly difficult for me to figure out what to do, and it's so hard this early in a relationship, and I'm just so busy, I don't know if I would be able to swing anything at all. Of course I was being a huge bitch on purpose. And the sweet thing looked at me so sincerely and said "I never make a big deal of birthdays anyway. Don't worry."

So fuck it. He gets his surprise. And I'll even sleep over on a school night.

So what if my sister questions my ability to boil water and blatantly told me to "stay far away from the kitchen"? Just because she has known me for my entire life doesn't mean she knows what she's talking about.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

For all you who use this blog as a primary source of entertainment (as you should), I really do apologize for my lack of posts this week. It's been a difficult last few days and I haven't had it in me to muster up the high quality of wit and sarcasm to which you are accustomed.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Bill is away this week curing cancer, so I need to write about something else.

I think I'll go with my job. In one vein, I work for one company, the one that signs my paychecks. In another vein, I work for two companies. Imagine working for an international corporation (and all of the politics that go along with it) while, at the same time, working for a privately owned corporation (and ditto). Exhausted yet?

Everyday, it's worlds colliding on a high level. It has become increasingly difficult for me to do the main function of my job because of all the fucking corporate machine bullshit. Recent "policy" changes have made it increasingly difficult for me to be a corporate cheerleader, which is a huge part of my role. Added to that, I am underpaid and therefore extremely unmotivated. At this point, the whole situation is just soul sucking.

I have reached a state that I refer to as "The Rot." The Rot can be something you feel about your job, your relationship, or any major part of your life. In any case, you have reached a point where you stop caring about the outcome of your decisions and it is a true struggle to get out of bed in the morning. You may have an underlying anxiety that is constant or a bitter taste in your mouth that you just cannot get rid of. It is not that you wholly despise it, it is that you have this vacant feeling, as if the reason you once loved something has drifted away and may never be captured again.

But the shadow of why you orginally accepted your current state remains, and perhaps you feel as if you need to give it a fighting chance. So you stay...and wait.

It's been an eventful week. I was absolutely exhausted all week to the point where I made myself sick, so I stayed home on Friday and slept...all day.

Friday night, Bill and I had tapas and watched The Professional. We also made a date to "consumate" our relationship, if you know what I mean. Next Saturday when he comes back from his trip. He even sent me a meeting request through Google Calendar for the event )duration: one hour), which was absolutely hilarious.

But I was still hesitant yesterday and I felt like I was really on the verge of ruining the whole thing. I wasn't sure why I couldn't just let go and enjoy spending time with someone who was really into me, or why I was nervous about taking the next step.

I went over Bill's again last night, as he is leaving this morning for a week for business. I had an attitude and was defensive about everything that came out of his mouth. It was awful. I felt like such a crazy person. So...in a last ditch attempt to salvage the evening, I came clean...squeaky clean.

I laid it all out. I'm scared, this is all so new to me, I've never done things the "normal" way with a guy, the way that is functional and healthy and blah blah blah. I wanted to start the night over and I was sorry I made it awkward...

I was doing this while I was cutting tomatoes for the salad, not looking at him because I was too embarrassed. He stood next to me, with his hand on my shoulder. When I was done talking, I looked up and he was smiling at me. He leaned over, kissed me, and just said "I know."

For whatever reason, that turned the tables for me. I let my guard down and we talked about all the reasons why being with other people had never worked out. Bill was with his ex for fours years. They were engaged for 8 months and she broke it off because she didn't want to get married...to him. I told him about Nick and how I thought my future was all laid out for me and then it was shattered, and I had to rebuild.

It wasn't too heavy and there wasn't any crying on my part, which is nothing less than a miracle. It was just right.

And we went ahead and rescheduled that Google Calendar event for a week early.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

It just might be. Between Bill being all sensitive and cuddly and a great cook, and the excerpt below, I'm starting to become a believer.

I sent Match Mike his walking papers a couple of days ago and, fearing a reply, I sort of whinced when I saw that he had actually written back.

He has this to say:

Hi Steph,Obviously, I'm sorry to hear that. You're a great girl - it's definitely my loss. On the other hand, thanks for being honest and up front - that's pretty hard to come by in the world of Internet dating (at least in my somewhat limited experience). I did have a great time hanging out with you at dinner, so I'm happy to be just friends if you're in the mood for that. Either way, best of luck to you finding someone - whoever he turns out to be, he's a lucky guy.