1. Wear the proper brands
Something like a Supreme hat is a must for the elitist / cool guy image. It’s amazing how a little brand logo can instantly turn a normal human being into someone that is “in the know” and “down with the homies”.

2. Don’t get too excited
Remember, there’s no reason to get too hyped on anything, because nothing is as cool as you.

3. Never acknowledge anyone first
See some skate rat you know at the bar? Your friend’s friend, maybe even a co-worker? Ignore them. The cool guy is never the dude tapping people on the shoulder and introducing themselves – He’s always the dude being recognized, like a rockstar. And when you are noticed, don’t act too happy. Smiling is for chumps and suck-ups.

4. Always roll with the homies
Going anywhere alone, even for a second can make you feel vulnerable and look like a loser. Cool guys are always surrounded by homies because everyone wants to be around them. And let’s face it, a group of badass skaters is intimidating, and intimidating = cool!

5. Don’t skate too much
People who skate really hard all day are just trying to compensate for the lack of something else (job, girlfriend, penis size..etc). So once you skate around a bit, sit down because you are “so hungover” from the “crazy night you had last night” and just watch everyone else. Remember, cool guys don’t really skate, they just smoke cigs and silently judge everyone else that is.

Words: James Lee
Original Illustration: Michael Giurato
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Comments

Hey dickmunch. I’m really hoping this is just a bad tasted joke. If not hopefully you are the cool guy you describe, cause trust me, in the real world, don’t nobody like douchebags like that. YOu basically jsut described how to be douchebag, douchebag.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your little miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you could have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo

I don’t know if this is a joke or not, I hope so, because it’s so radically absurd that I shit a brick of platinum. If you were in fact involved in the US Military in any way or trained in GUERRILLA warfare, I think you’d know how to spell it. And to suggest that that any US government officials or military officers would track down and kill a US citizen for a comment on the internet is ten fucking gallons of bullshit. And I am a US Marine Officer. Oh, also, I saw this exact comment on youtube once, pretty much word for word. So maybe it is a joke. If so, disregard my unpleasantries.
Semper Fidelis

He’s prolly a grunt fresh out of basic taking his anger out on the internet cus he got his shit ran in the dirt the whole time haha I love it tho Or he’s just some 12 year old laughing haha but if you skate going back to the post I swear there’s one of these guys at every skate park igo to but hey as long as you have fun when on the board your doing it right.

What in Davy Jones’ locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat? I’ll have ye know I be the
meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and I’ve led numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over
300 wenches. I be trained in hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains
on the high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o’ swag. I’ll have yer guts for garters and
keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye can hide behind your newfangled
computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag. As we parley I be contacting my secret network o’
pirates across the sea and yer port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon,
weevil. The kind o’ monsoon that’ll wipe ye off the map. You’re sharkbait, fool. I can sail anywhere, in
any waters, and can kill ye in o’er seven hundred ways, and that be just with me hook and fist. Not
only do I be top o’ the line with a cutlass, but I have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and I’ll
damned sure use it all to wipe yer arse off o’ the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to
know what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the comment. But ye
couldn’t, ye didn’t, and now ye’ll pay the ultimate toll, you buffoon. I’ll shit fury all over ye and ye’ll
drown in the depths o’ it. You’re fish food now.