Monday, May 28, 2007

Discordant

My boobs are sore, my nipples are swollen, and a sourceless knot of anxiety has been eating at me for the last two days despite all of the reasons I have to be blissfully happy. I have a new job that I feel all warm and fuzzy about, I went on a lovely picnic this weekend in Central Park, I motivated to go running twice last week, I have a great new roommate, and I've been having a great time catching up with all of my friends since coming back to the city. Yet, I'm not totally happy. I feel discordant, like there's a layer of funkiness flowing through me.

Today, while walking to the subway and talking to my mom on the phone, I suddenly found myself crying. I hadn't cried in almost two months; a veritable world record in comparison to the frequent sob fests of last year. Once on the subway, after I had composed myself, wiped away the tears, and checked in my compact to make sure I didn't have any tell-tale mascara streaks, I almost started crying again because the little kid across the aisle from me was so unbelievably adorable. Trust me, other than my nephew and a few other honorable mentions, I am usually not moved to tears by the sight of small children, adorable or not.

Later in the evening, after meeting some girl friends for dinner and walking a few blocks to get a cab, I realized that I had ended up in my old neighborhood, the place that I used to live in with EXBF, and I felt a wave of almost forgotten emotions wash over me. Not as strong as they once were, but still there. There was sadness, apprehension, anxiety, vulnerability, incredible loss, and fear (fear of what? I wondered). Suddenly, I was caught in a rampage of memories. I felt sad and alone and a little like crying again. When I came home, I saw that a zit had erupted out of no where on my previously smooth chin. Fantastic.

8 comments:

I was thinking, "Holy Shit! she's pregnant!" And then I was like, "Wait a minute, she's knocked up and didn't tell us who she's sleeping with?" So, I was offended for a split second before I read the end.

I'm joining you in the PMS ranks this week as well. We should be coming up with some interesting posts!