here is a series of transcripts Yahoo! Basketball Expert Kelley Dwyer has recently published. i posted one in the kidd thread but felt like something as fantastic as a few of these deserved a specific thread. they include:

Jason Kidd (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/2625/) wants out of New Jersey (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news;_ylt=ApJ4p8Ras59I_62FP8qb.Ly8vLYF?slug=aw-kidd012808&prov=yhoo&type=lgns), and Nets personnel boss Rod Thorn is more than willing to aid in any transaction that eases Kidd out of a Net uniform. The other day, Kidd's agent Jeff Schwartz told Thorn of Kidd's demand to be traded, and yesterday Kidd followed up on the demand in a meeting with Thorn.

You might not believe it, but we have the transcript in hand

Jason Kidd: Jeff told you, huh?

Rod Thorn: Yes sir.

Kidd: Preferably, I'd like to go to the Lakers, Yankees, Mavericks, Heat, or Celtics.

Kidd: A triple-double is when you get double-figures in points, rebounds, and assists.

Thorn: I know that, I meant ...

Kidd: No teams with blue uniforms.

Thorn: Have you seen what Dallas wears?

Kidd: On the flight out, I want an aisle seat. Something light for a in-flight entertainment. "Daddy Day Care (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daddy_day_care)" or that Rock movie with the girl and the ball with the sparkles (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_Plan_%28film%29).

Thorn: Jason, I'm going to have to stop you there.

Kidd: Nothing can stop me on my way to a championship. That's what I was put on Earth to do.

Thorn: Jason, you're not being interviewed, stop it. You do realize how hard it is to trade someone who makes as much money as you, right? You're making 19.7 million dollars this season.

Kidd: Yeah. I'm awesome.

Thorn: Be that as it may, we have to match that salary in any trade we make.

Kidd: Kwame makes that much.

Thorn: Kwame doesn't make that much. Very few people do.

Kidd: You make that much.

Thorn: No, I don't.

Kidd: Know why?

Thorn: Why, Jason?

Kidd: NO TRIP-LE DOUB-LESSS!

Thorn: Great. Either way, there's not a lot we can do under NBA salary cap law that could ease you into a new team.

Kidd: I break laws all the time. I don't even have draft picks to do it with.

Thorn: What?

Kidd: I mean, it's easier for you to break a law, because you can just send someone a draft pick to make up for it.

Thorn: No, I mean, you break laws all the time?

Kidd: Did you see where I parked today? Look. (Points to a window, Thorn peers outside.)

Thorn: Right on the sidewalk. Ran over some kid's bike, too.
(Kidd beams.)

Thorn: You know, Malik Allen (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3507/) called me about this same sort of thing last month, and I just thought he was joking, or drunk, or both.

Kidd: Patriots!

Thorn: You like the Patriots on Sunday?

Kidd: You can trade me to the Patriots, broseph.

Thorn: No. No, I can't.

Kidd: Salary cap law? I told you: draft picks!

Thorn: Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Not without hurting my team. Not without taking back contracts of players that I don't want. Not without having to trade for Lamar Odom (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3327/) ...

Kidd: NO TRIP-LE ... oh. My thoughts and prayers are with him, and his family. He just wants to win a championship, like me. That's all we're in it for.

Thorn: Jason, again, no reporters are here.

Kidd: What if you traded half of me to a team, like with Vince Carter (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3248/), and I could play half the time with the Lakers for half-price, and part of the time with the Nets?

Thorn: I don't know where to start. "Like with Vince Carter?"

Kidd: You know how he plays with the Raptors on the off days?

Thorn: He doesn't play with the Raptors. He's been a Net since December of 2004!

Kidd: He seems awfully tired. I just assumed.

Thorn: I honestly can't fault you, there.

Kidd: What if I go to David Stern, and say, like, "hey, David Stern. I'll give you, like, 14 triple-doubles if you let me go to the Lakers?"

Thorn: How do you give someone a triple-double?

Kidd: Just gave the Nuggets one (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/boxscore;_ylt=Am7B.vqYjK4X2RjOJNfip2ikvLYF?gid=200 8012507).

Thorn: Oh, I get it.

Kidd: Gave the Bobcats two, gave the Magic one, the Hawks one, gave triple-doubles to the whole damn Eastern seaboard.

Thorn: And what would David Stern do with his 14 triple-doubles?

Kidd: Whatever the hell he wants! Steal some [stuff] from the Cheesecake Factory, cold-**** a red-headed dude just for the hell of it, burn [stuff] ... it's a triple-double!

Thorn: I really wish I'd, you know, engaged in an actual conversation with you before signing that contract extension.

Kidd: '85 Bears!

Thorn: You want me to trade you to a football team from 23 years ago.

Kidd: The Triple-Double Shuffle! (Rapping) "My name is J-Kidd, and I like to pass. Rippin' triple-doubles is better than ro-mance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJNC3dgreaU) ..."

Thorn: You know who could really use some triple-doubles? The Hawks.

Kidd: I'm just here to win a championship. It's my life's ambition, and a dream I've had since I was a child. I'll do it anything for it.

Reports out of the Bay Area have the Golden State Warriors (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/teams/gsw/) near a deal to sign ex-Warrior Chris Webber (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/1272/) to a free agent deal. This would reunite Webber with his one-time nemesis, then and current Warriors coach, Don Nelson.

The duo met last week at Webber's Sacramento-area restaurant, and we have to apologize to whoever created this back-and-forth (http://snltranscripts.jt.org/99/25seinfeld.phtml). Thanks to a mole who was hired by Yahoo! to camp out in a dumbwaiter (http://www.butlersbuddy.com/), we're able to bring you the chilling conversation that sealed the deal

Don Nelson: Hey Chris.

Chris Webber: Coach.

Nellie: Nice place.

C-Webb: Yeah, it's turned out pretty well. Did you get a drink?

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: We have, y'know, the Johnny Walker Blue here.

Nellie: No, it's cool. I've a ride back. Plenty of little bottles in the back of the limo.

C-Webb: Cool.

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: So Mullin wants me?

Nellie: Guess so.

C-Webb: You cool with that?

Nellie: Whatever.

C-Webb: Because the Pistons ...

Nellie: Just stop.

C-Webb: Yeah.

(12 second pause.)

C-Webb: They don't want me.

Nellie: I know.

C-Webb: What'd you guys get for me, originally?

Nellie: Tom Gugliotta.

C-Webb: Good player.

Nellie: Good player.

C-Webb: And you turned him into ... ?

Nellie: They turned him into Donyell Marshall (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/2627/).

C-Webb: But, you got rid of Chris Gatling. All-Star that same month. Traded him at his peak for Bradley, right? Good deal.

Nellie: Are you still with Tyra, or ...

C-Webb: No, but we're cool.

Nellie: Is she on your cell phone? Could we call her? Could we talk to her, say, right now ... or do you have to call into her office?

C-Webb: No, but we're cool.

Nellie: That's good. That's good.

C-Webb: Yeah.

Nellie: I do have to say, it was a shame the way the refs let Samaki Walker (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3113/) guard you in the 2002 playoffs. I mean, there's no way Samaki Walker could stop Chris Webber from getting 30 and 15. No way he could stop you from getting to the Finals.

Nellie: I hear he had to do that for Bob Pettit, after the 1958 Finals.

C-Webb: Really?

Nellie: No.

C-Webb: Yeah. Kind of set myself up for that one.

Nellie: Yeah.

C-Webb: Let the son pass on re-signing Steve Nash (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3103/) in order to grab Erick Dampier (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3117/)?

Nellie: Are you still in touch with any of your 76ers teammates? You did play for them, right? I want to see what Calvin Booth (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3358/) is up to.

C-Webb: Why didn't you keep that mustache? That looked good.

Nellie: Did you shoot a free throw last year, or was that ...

C-Webb: Do you ask Baron Davis (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3326/) to stop shooting threes, or does he just hit you a lot?

Nellie: Has Michigan paid off its student-athlete loan, yet?

C-Webb: Did the NBA outlaw fish ties, or did they just manage to stop the Dewar's truck from hitting Milwaukee, first?

Nellie: Are you not allowed to show your championship rings at the restaurant, or ...

C-Webb: Are you only allowed to see yours once Dave Cowens has his yearly "Salsabration?"

Nellie: "Salsabration?"

C-Webb: It's a celebration, with lots of Mexican food and chips and salsa and the championship rings you earned off of his hard work.

Nellie: First of all, it's called "Cinco de Mustache," and that's where we don't shave for a month and show up on the fifth of July with our best mustaches, and secondly ... I don't know why I'm telling you this.

C-Webb: Because you want to sign me.

Nellie: I'm bored.

C-Webb: I know you are. It's cool.

Nellie: Seriously?

C-Webb: Yeah.

Nellie: Sorry about trading for Billy Owens.

C-Webb: He had skills.

Nellie: So did you.

C-Webb: What?

Nellie: Nothing.

C-Webb: I don't want to play defense, rebound, or play in the low post.

Nellie: I don't like defense, rebounding, or you.

C-Webb: What?

Nellie: You ... playing in the low post. If you're going to come back, you'll have to stop interrupting me.

C-Webb: Can I wear number 75? My cousin saw it in a dream about a license plate that was on the back of a swordfish.

Zo: He's out there, playing. He had 15 points in the first half. You pointed him out to me, "the tall dude talkin' to Craig Sager ...," remember?

Shaq: No.

Zo: Yeah, well, he's out there.

Shaq: Hey, Zo?

Zo: Yes, Shaq?

Shaq: I don't like Mark Blount.

Zo: Don't say that, man.

Shaq: I was getting a little upset because I thought Joel Anthony ...

Joel Anthony: Yes?

Shaq: Nothin'. (Whispers) Because I thought I was sitting next to Mark Blount, I mean Mark Blount, and I don't like Mark Blount. You think his last name is "Blount" like "oww," but it's "blunt" like the things Jermaine O'Neal (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3120/) got caught with.

Zo: Jermaine O'Neal?

Shaq: Yeah. Dude smokes weed.

Zo: You mean David Harrison (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3846/)?

Shaq: Got caught with some Mark Blounts?

Zo: Yeah. Plays for the Pacers.

Shaq: He doesn't play. He got suspended. For weed.

Zo: You know what I mean.

Shaq: Yeah, but do you know what I mean?

Zo: Whatever, man.

Shaq: EXACTLY.

(Eight seconds pass.)

Shaq: Hey Zo?

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: Remember that song I did with Fu-Schnickens (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q7bpMiiVlA)? About how I was the first pick in the draft?

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: I wasn't being bragadocious.

Zo: I know, Shaq. It's cool.

Shaq: Really?

Zo: Really.

Shaq: Because I WAS the first pick. Not you, not Christian Laettner.

Zo: I know, Shaq. I'm cool with it.

Shaq: For real?

Zo: I didn't like how you rhymed my last name with "word is born, and."

Shaq: What?

Zo: Nothing, Shaq. It was a good song.

Shaq: I thought so. Better than Kobe's.

Zo: Yes, Shaq. It was better than Kobe's.

Shaq: I mean, he didn't put out an album (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpzJgLzzX38).

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: I had a whole bunch (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaquille_o%27neal#Albums) of albums. Even a greatest hits album (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Best_of_Shaquille_O%27Neal).

Zo: Even a greatest hits album. Much better than Kobe.

Shaq: You seriously think so?

Zo: Yes, Shaq.

Shaq: Yeah. Hey Mark?

Joel Anthony: It's "Joel," man. It's been four months.

Shaq: That's cool. You ever seen the deleted scenes from the "Steel (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steel_%28film%29)" DVD?

Hawks center Zaza Pachulia (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3745/) has been suspended by Atlanta coach Mike Woodson. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says it's because of an incident (http://www.ajc.com/sports/content/sports/hawks/stories/2008/01/22/zaza_0122.html) that happened in the middle of Atlanta 's loss to the Trail Blazers on Monday, but we know better. The real skirmish went down in practice the next day.
Obviously, we're well connected, and we've been able to supply the dialogue between coach and the Georgian-born center (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georgians):

Hawks coach Mike Woodson: Zaza, can I have a word?

Hawks center Zaza Pachulia: You can have many words, coach. I always tell you that.

Woodson: Yeah. Um, we need to talk about your shooting habits. You're shooting a bit too much for my taste.

Zaza: How do you want to taste?

Woodson: It's not if ... hmm. Wasn't expecting that response. Anyway, Zaza, we'd like you to focus on shooting less ...

Zaza: I shoot ball. Watch, I show you!

Woodson: No need for that, Zaza. It's just that your arms are a little short for your body.

Zaza: My arms have grown in the years. Orlando were short. They call me, howdoyousay ... baby helicopter. But I no play baby helicopter anymore. ZAZA NO PLAY BABY HELICOPTER ANY MORE! I learn lesson, glare at camera on Media Day.

From the Indianapolis Star (http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080117/SPORTS04/801170504&theme=):

"The Indiana Pacers (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/teams/ind/) suspended Jamaal Tinsley (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3528/) for Wednesday night's game against Golden State following an incident during a film session one day earlier, The Star has learned.

JT: "I come into work almost every day, see that picture hanging in the hallway, and I have to touch 14 doorknobs and David Harrison (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3846/)'s neckbeard just to get back to normal."

Obie: "Like you can talk, remember that Pistons game where you let Jeff Foster (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3344/) touch your head in the first quarter?"

JT: "Yeah."

Obie: "Creepy guy went off for nine first half rebounds."

JT: "Yeah."

Obie: "Comes off the bench in the third quarter, wants to touch the head again, and what do you do?"

JT: "Is this about the towel?"

Obie: "Yeah, ‘it's about the towel.'"

JT: "I don't understand what the problem is. It was an affront to my sensibilities. It had to stop. Like the dye-job."

Obie: "What dye-job?"

JT: "You've been a head coach for seven years now. All this time you've had sideburns the color of cooked halibut, some white directly above it, and then jet-black hair."

JT: "No, no it's not 'what happens.' If it's 'what happens,' then it would be blended. You don't go from stark white to dark black in half a centimeter. How do you think I feel when Stephen Jackson (http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/players/3210/) texts me to tell me that my coach and Bonnie Raitt share a barber? It's an affront to my sensibilities!"