11/06/2017

What's Been Missing in the Discussion About Sexual Harassment and Abuse of Power in the Workplace

BY ABUSING POWER WOMEN PLAY THEIR OWN NEFARIOUS ROLE IN CREATING AND PERPETUATING A SEXUALLY CHARGED WORKPLACE.

Yes, I know, that seems like the pot calling the kettle black. I know that many, if not most of you reading this feel that by virtue of the gender roles involved, that sexual abuse of a male, by a female, is by definition, “impossible”, unless of course it is perpetrated on a child. But, I am talking about adults.

Let’s examine those roles for a minute. Whether you’re a man or woman. you may feel that you were put on this earth for some lofty purpose. Perhaps to help others, to move humanity forward through innovation, or to solve environmental problems, write compelling media, or whatever. And while that may be important on the human scale, in the larger scheme of Nature’s long-term strategy, you have one purpose and one purpose only: To procreate. To perpetuate the species. And how is that accomplished? Get ready. There’s going to be a disturbing word here…..SEX!!

If you doubt my assessment of our true purpose in our planet’s complicated drama, consider how Nature imbues us with all the resources necessary to propel and support the production of offspring, during our child-bearing years through the power of our hormones. In women, this makes for soft hair, smooth, shiny skin and, breasts that are full and round. Even the menstrual cycle, which is an annoyance for many women, is a monthly reminder that contained within them is the ebb and flow of creation itself. In men, testosterone levels rise and peak years and sex is a constant preoccupation. Spontaneous erections occur day and night, as every thought and behavior seems to emanate from a desire for or expectation of an intimate rendezvous.

In adolescence, the dance of love and sex are on full display, as young bodies and minds experiment with their respective powers of attraction and persuasion. Young men may build their bodies to impress women with their strength and prowess. Women may dress to reveal their feminine attributes, seeking to gain attention through sensual stimulation: Appearance, scent, tone of voice, etc. Most of us accept this dance as a rite of passage into adulthood. A temporary insanity that hopefully leads to lasting satisfaction through marriage and family.

But in reality, this dance never stops, it just becomes more complicated. And when less than subtle and unwelcome advances or sexual references are made by men, toward women it leads to discomfort in a workplace that is increasingly a melting pot of genders, cultures and sexual orientations. And after a tipping point like the Weinstein debacle, we now see a firestorm of allegations against men in powerful positions, exerting control over women for the procurement of sex. But this is nothing new, and it would be naive to assume that some combination of legislation, shaming or professional rebuke will bring it all to an end. It may make it less visible for a time, but as always, our baser instincts will eventually rise to the surface and take center stage again.

Where sex is concerned, women enjoy it as much or maybe even more than men do, but they are not driven by it. They can turn it on or off at will, depending on their situation.

Why? The truth is, we are all selfish creatures. We want what we want and we will use any and all resources at our disposal to get it. We know men want sex. Even elderly men, for whom sexual intercourse has become an impossible dream, cannot resist the temptation to turn their head in the presence of an attractive woman. This drive that men have to pursue, to be the tool through which life’s catalyst is disseminated is the most enduring and powerful urge in Nature. It is at the core of our being. The raw, untamable animal that still thrives within us. A fundamental and irrepressible instinct that cannot be sublimated by the thin vail of “civility”. And toppling successful men from their professional and political thrones will not alter that fact one iota. But this phenomenon of coercing or even abusing others to achieve their goals is not limited to men. Perhaps it is time to ask:

How have women been abusing their power over men for centuries?

This question is conspicuously missing from the discussion of power imbalances between the sexes. And because men are reproached by their peers and society at large if they reveal a fundamental weakness that is being exploited by others, you are not likely to hear much about this side of the gender equation. But that does not mean that its examination has no merit. Indeed it does.

Men, by nature are impulsive. Impulsivity is at what makes them good hunters and warriors. Stopping to think and plan when you’re in the path of a charging rhino is a recipe for disaster. Looking into you’re opponent’s eyes to take inventory of his soul during hand to hand combat can get you killed. So natural selection has programmed men to act first and ask questions later. Their actions are overt and transparent. They ask for what they want, whether verbally or through their actions, their agenda is clear. And where women are concerned, what they want the pleasure of physical contact. And for men in highly stressful and demanding jobs and or positions, this need for stress relief reaches a fever pitch. It begins to feel as if their very survival depends on it. And indeed, it may. History is rife with stories of men in powerful positions, facing impossible challenges, seeking relief and refuge in passionate affairs. Granted, these affairs were most often consensual. But nonetheless, it makes clear that sex is a way for men to diffuse and deal with the sometimes overwhelming challenges that life throws at them.

What do women want?

Women on the other hand have other ways to diffuse their stress. They are, for the most part, more social. Women love to gather in groups, gossip and laugh. Shopping is another satisfying outlet that takes their mind of problems at home or at work. And when we trace this affinity for community and acquisition back to its origins, we can see that it dovetails perfectly with their natural roles as mothers, homemakers and nurturers. Women have gathered together for millennia to care collectively for their infants and children. They may even share their breast milk with another’s the offspring, to maintain the bond between them and ensure the survival of their community or tribe.

Where sex is concerned, women enjoy it as much or maybe even more than men do, but they are not driven by it. They can turn it on or off at will, depending on their situation. What matters to women is security. And what contributes to security? Money, home, status, comfort, popularity, friendship and some level of control over their primary relationships. These are the baser instincts that drive women, as they have from the beginning of time. But women are more patient. They can wait, conspire, manipulate, and cajole to get what they want. And more often than not, the object of these calculations are powerful men. Like it or not, men have, on the whole, held positions of power in society. Their combative, impulsive nature and limitless stamina provide the sheer force to bore through or leap over obstacles. They may choose to not be encumbered by family responsibilities or the rearing of children and they don’t have to deal with a monthly cycle. They are free to focus all their energies on domination. And once they succeed, they become the target of aspiring women. A stepping stone into a life which women feel is unattainable by any other means.

And this is the stage upon which abuse of female power rears its ugly head. In some women, a passive / aggressive strategy begins to form that is so subtle, it is often undetected by men. And that strategy is centered upon appealing to men’s primary achilles heal, their intrinsic weakness. Sex. And this “baiting”, if we can call it that, can have unpredictable, even dangerous consequences for women, ranging from off color sexual comments to rape. Ironically, if and when this plan backfires, these same women will claim victimhood and assume no responsibility for the result of their actions. They will claim a right to dress or act as they wish, secretly aware that such behavior is very effective at triggering male attention and hence, preferential treatment, This duality of behaving badly and then crying fowl is at the core of the one-sided campaign now being waged against men. Sure, in a perfect world men would keep their impulses under control. But when stress and the presence of female coercion converge, women have an unfair advantage.

And how does this abuse of female power affect men?

I have listened to countless interviews of and complaints by women about how a sexually charged workplace has interfered with their ability to feel comfortable, valued or to advance. And yet, through the use of make up, lipstick, implants, push up bras, plunging necklines, high heels, expensive perfume, sexy outfits and the like, they create what is essentially a sexual sucker punch. Can you image how a man might dress with equal provocation? Imagine an executive coming to work in a leotard, rather than a suit. This garment would be so form fitting that the crack of his ass and the outline of his genitals would be visible. If indeed, a male employee showed up to work dressed like this, he’d be thrown out on his ear.

But women have the latitude to dress as they please. They can dial up the sexual heat through their many avenues of accentuation and it’s rarely challenged.

Add to this, the often subtle and not so subtle cues like suggestive glances, flicking of the hair, or bending over a desk while wearing a low cut blouse. This is tantamount to a tease and the effect of creating tremendous distraction and preoccupation for men. They are simply unable to be in the presence of such provocative visual signals without becoming aroused. And when that arousal causes them to react in inappropriate ways, we blame them for behaving exactly as nature intended.

Of course most women will not admit to engaging in such provocative behavior. For some, that may be true or they may not be aware of it. But I would bet, if most women, who have suffered unwelcome advances from men in the workplace took inventory of their motives and were honest with themselves, they would find some truth in what I’ve said.

Now this in no way excuses rape, or forced sexual encounters of any kind. That is violence and exploitation and is not acceptable under any circumstances.

But when a man puts his hand on a woman’s knee, when he touches the small of her back, when he looks perhaps a little too long at a her breasts, or makes sexual references during a dinner outingthis should not be a career ending transgression. The woman involved may want to examine if and how her dress or behavior may have contributed to these unwelcome overtures. If modifications are then made and the behavior continues, perhaps it’s time for a transfer to another job or department. But don’t just march into Human Resources and threaten to sue the company unless they fire this individual. Oh yes, in this politically correct and litigious society we now live, you may indeed succeed in getting him fired, and or in obtaining a sizable settlement from the company. But then don’t go blabbing to about the need for others to act with integrity or to take personal responsibility.

What is the solution?

Let’s just cool down, step back from the precipice and be realistic. Sex is the reason we are all here. It may not always be welcomed, it may not be pretty or pleasant to think about, but it is here to stay. And Nature has placed men in the position of being the pursuers. Can we all agree on that? Women play coy, act uninterested and fein annoyance, but in the end, sometimes a persistent man succeeds in getting the girl. In fact women often say that men give up too easily. In the course of their little act of avoidance, men get the impression they are being rejected and give up. Women are understandably confused by this. They feel ambivalent about what they are supposed to do. If they give in too quickly, they’ll be labeled as “easy”. If they respond too slowly, guys give up.

For men, this dance is equally confusing and frustrating. For many, work is where the majority of their social interaction takes place. It is where they are likely to meet the greatest concentration of women. And while it may be frowned upon to dabble in romance at the workplace, more people meet their future spouse at work then in all other social settings combined. So there must be a little give and take and mutual empathy for the respective burdens each gender carries in the sexual dance.

Now again, I am not referring to lewd, aggressive, demeaning or threatening behavior. This should never be tolerated under any circumstance.

But as is so often the case with human behavior, we tend to allow the pendulum to swing to the extreme when issues arise and the risk here is that innocent, maybe even awkward, but otherwise well-intentioned behavior will be misconstrued and mislabeled as sexual harassment.

For women, understand that when you “dress to kill”, you are not only getting attention from other women in the office, (which you may want), but also from men, (which you may not want). It is not an innocuous and innocent enterprise. You are increasing the chances you will receive reactions you may not have intended or desired. If and when this happens, it is not fair to blame only men for lacking self control. You must learn to take responsibility for the waves you set in motion. As Newton described, “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. This applies not only to physics but also to human interaction. And when you play with fire, you are much more likely to get burned.

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