Issue 4602

NEW YORK—In an effort to clear up the confusion caused by terminology such as "unconsistentical" and "splosiverance," CBS producers made a formal request Monday that NFL Today commentator Shannon Sharpe use a minimum of three real words in each sentence.

CINCINNATI—Within just a few minutes of Cuban pitcher Aroldis Chapman's arrival in the United States, Reds manager Dusty Baker had already overused and mangled the 21-year-old's arm beyond recognition, team sources reported Sunday.

ARLINGTON, TX—Eagles backup quarterback Michael Vick apologized to fans immediately after his team's 34-14 wild-card loss to the Cowboys Saturday, saying his fumbled handoff attempt late in the first half was "absolutely the most damning and hurtful act of [his] life."

BOSTON—"I'm not sure exactly what he does, but I think he said he works at this place where he makes these calls to people for these events," said Kyle Fisher, who added that, from what he can tell, his roommate works anywhere from 10 to 60 hours a week.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following a 33-14 drubbing at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady admitted that his team deserved to be booed, but said that "to suffer jeers from shortsighted brainless front-runners like Patriots fans was both laughable and pathetic."

Former Nets star Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault in the 2002 accidental shooting death of his chauffeur, capping a years-long saga of depression and violence. We break down his troubled tale.

DUBAI—Representatives from the emirate of Dubai announced with disappointment this week that its recent debt crisis has forced developers to halt construction on the city's long-planned 22-mile-long indoor mountain range.

LOUISVILLE, KY—"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. "I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely titillating."

NEW ORLEANS—"When we were first married, my husband was so dark and mysterious," Sara Pastor said wistfully. "These days though, all he does is pretty much just sit around all night swilling blood and watching the game on ESPN." Added Pastor, "Edward would never do that to Bella."

Redskins Claim They Left Stacks Of Head Coach Applications In Major Inner Cities

WASHINGTON—Redskins officials maintained Wednesday that the organization made a conscientious effort to find a minority candidate to lead the team by distributing bundles of head-coaching applications in the slums and ghettos of major inner cities. "Look, we put piles of applications in high traffic areas near housing tenements, abandoned warehouses, and back alleys, but the response was disappointing," said team owner Dan Snyder, adding that, in the end, Mike Shanahan was the only person who really seemed to want the job. "It's not my fault these people didn't want to take the time to fill out an application and send it in." According to Snyder, the application featured sections to provide personal information, experience, offensive and defensive ideologies, and references who could prove that the candidate was not white.