Monday, October 12, 2015

"Eating Dis Order and Dat Order"

Let's face it, I'm a pig. I can admit to that. I'm in love with food and, as a result, I eat like a tiger shark. The strongest muscle in my body isn't my heart, it's my jaw. There's a good chance that if anyone ever opened me up it'd look like a weird flea market booth with all the stuff I've eaten. "I'm sorry, we have to send the contents of his stomach to the Smithsonian. We've never seen anything like this in a human."

Some people eat because they're hungry, some eat out of boredom. I eat just because I enjoy it. I mean, I eat to live and stuff but I also eat just because I like food. The tastes, the textures, the smell of it cooking. Hell, I'm getting hungry just typing this out. I tell people I want to travel the world and they're all, "so you're looking for adventure?" Nah, I'm looking for food. Especially in Europe. I'd eat my way across Europe like a one man Mongol horde. "Get outta my way, I'm going after some schnitzel today!"

I used to think that my appetite was getting exponentially larger. As it turns out, some foods are just getting smaller. Which is weird in America because our portion control is ridiculous. On the one hand we've got double quarter pounders and on the other we've got tacos made out of tortillas the size of Kennedy coins. What gives, people?! Be consistent. That's all I'm asking.

Why charge $2.00 for a fajita that's half the size of the one I paid $1.00 for a couple years ago?! That's how people get hurt. Here I am all excited about getting my grub on and they hand me a chicken fajita that'd look small to a midget. Not cool. Now I have to order more of them. And that's the hook. They get us hooked on certain foods like carnivore junkies then dial back the dosage while upping the price. Clever. Risky but clever.

Just today I stopped and got my slice of "mega meat" pizza (seriously, they failed to understand what "mega" actually means) and hot wings. Why hot wings? Because I'm a fool for them. Only these wings...were they from hatchlings?! I hear people talk about growth hormones in food but there's no way they added them to these guys. I ate 4 wings before I realized they had bones. I'd thought they'd accidentally given me nuggets.

Imagine my disappointment when they were fried and flavored but the truck stops quit actually putting the buffalo sauce on them. It's not natural I tell ya. I want buffalo wings, not "barely above mild flavored" wings. I feel so betrayed. I need that buffalo wing sauce. It's like an ambrosia for my hunger's soul. Yes, my appetite gets its own soul. Don't look at me like that.

Which leads me to this "organic" thing. It's "organic chicken". That's the explanation I got for chicken little being served these days. "It's naturally smaller because it's all organic." Oh. Organic chicken. Gotcha. So can we bring back the cyborg stuff? It was tasty and there was more of it. I liked the fake chicken.

Oh, there are organic vegetables too now. That's good. They're vegetables. They grow in the ground. How much more "organic" can they get?? Take the damn organic vegetables and feed them to the damn chickens and grow them before you cook them up. Is that a difficult thing to ask?

I know, I know, "organic" means no growth hormones and stuff. And there's also "free range" where they wander around and eat of the land. Because it's more humane. Then they round them all up and kill them. But at least they lived an enjoyable life before they were slaughtered. They're chickens!! They didn't rent Lamborghinis and party on the Vegas strip. They ate worms, grubs and whatever else they could peck. They flapped their useless little wings before they got served up to guys like me. You want them to live purposeful lives? Get them some free weights, let them bulk up those little arms.

Companies throw out words like "organic" so they can charge more for smaller quantities. And people clamber for it because it's the newest fad. "Gluten free", "wheat germ free", "non gmo", "bland", blah blah blah. Our food is free of everything except charge. Grog wants gluten. In fact, if you're not eating yours I'll take it.

Sorry, I got sidetracked, I was mentioning that I like food. What I was going to say is that I'm fortunate. There's not much that bothers my stomach. It might be all that Teflon I ate as a kid but I can pretty much eat roadkill with no side affects. Considering some of the places I've eaten I'd say I probably HAVE had roadkill disguised as a casserole.

We truckers call most restaurants "greasy spoons". We use the term affectionately most of the time. It's like truth in advertising. The only healthy thing on the menu at these places is probably the menu itself. But we go there as often as we can; to these hole in the wall places. Why? Because they're consistent. The prices don't jump up and the portions don't go on a diet.

Look folks, I'm not saying you've gotta gorge yourself and get stricken by that disease called obesity. Nor am I encouraging restaurants to start heaping food on plates like they're trying to rebuild the pyramids. I am, however, saying that if you go to your local dine n dash joint and the food is shrinking but your tab is growing, maybe you should find a new favorite place so they get the message we don't like getting ripped off. Plus, I just don't trust the food at these places. If their food is losing weight how's it supposed to provide you with nourishment? "How do you expect me to eat this? Even your food is starving!"

You know what I miss? I used to walk into convenience stores and they were always making popcorn. God, the smell of fresh popcorn can make me hungry even if I just ate. Same with bacon. I go weak for bacon. If I walk in and someone is cooking bacon then it's guaranteed I'll order something. Hell, I've been full and walked into a truck stop while someone was making bacon and eggs and I walked out with a to go box. "I can't eat another bite. But that smells so good! I'll take a bacon and egg 4 egg omelet and 6 slices of bacon to go please!" Then I roll myself back out the door, out to my truck and straight into a food coma. Occasionally I'll wake up a little and eat some of my omelet and go back to sleep. Every day I'm like a bear preparing for hibernation.

I don't just eat comfort food though. I like that phrase, "comfort food". It's like I'm depressed when I'm not eating? I just cry while I'm driving along until I find some biscuits and gravy? They know me so well.

Anyway, I eat healthy stuff too. Molly got me started on Kind bars. It was an accident. She didn't like them and knew I'd try them with my landfill appetite. They're delicious but they're definitely whole grain and whole nut. I think I lose weight eating them because they take so much energy to chew. But I love them. Sometimes, if I'm good, she'll toss me one like a Scooby Snack. It's also a tactic she employees to shut me up for 45 minutes. You simply can't talk when you're eating one of those things. It's like trying to whistle with a mouth full of crackers.

I eat yogurt now too. Toss me a half gallon tub and a pound of granola and you've made a friend. I didn't think I'd like yogurt. It just seemed too girly to me but a friend of mine practically forced me to try it once. Basically that just meant opening one near me. Like I said, I'm a pig.