megan merchant

a new body of legislation

1. You are no longer allowed to say penis.

2. You may use pecker,pee-pee, shlong, dingis, tallywacker, who-who-dilly, baloney pony, or wiener. A significant fine will be levied for violations.

3. There is no more concealed carry. If you are of voting age, it must be wrapped in a clear plastic bag and on display at all times. Plastic bags will be available for purchase with all proceeds benefitting Planned Parenthood.

4. Let it be known that they are snug and restrict movement.

5. Any complaints regarding violations, abuse, or violence toward said anatomy must be filed in person at a registered branch established for such purposes. Each state is required to have one branch. DNA Samples, photographs and testimony will be taken at said location and shelved for review.

6. The review process is legally allowed to take up to ten years.

7. After eleven years, the samples will no longer be allowed as evidence in a court of law.

8. Only people who do not have said anatomy are allowed to legislate on its behalf.

9. You are only allowed to emit fluids in certain states, ruled on a state-by-state basis.

10. A new task force will be established to enforce these rules. They are allowed to administer heavy fines and jail time.

11. Lorena Bobbitt has been named task force Director.

12. If you have been accused of sexual deviance, sexual battery or assault, pedophilia, or rape— you are subject to a chemical staining to mark said anatomy.

13. The color will be chosen by the new task force, but choices are limited to smurf blue or hot pink.

14. The chemical process is harmful to skin and will cause long-term damage to vasculature.

15. Under the new health care plan, employers are no longer responsible for any health care costs involving said anatomy. All persons with said anatomy are required to pay for services out of pocket.

16. Persons with said anatomy may chose circumcision, but must follow a rigorous process with weekly paperwork submissions and a three year long waiting period before approval.

17. Medical Professionals and Religious leaders are no longer allowed to perform circumcisions. Persons with said anatomy are free to explore options oversees.

18. The government is not responsible for travel costs, botched procedures, infections, sterility or any abnormality resulting from the circumcision.

19. Before revolting or protesting these new laws, please know that fertility specialists have found a way to create “artificial sperm” and have successfully implanted and fertilized an egg.