Sunday, January 12, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that 50% of all members of Congress are millionaires. The other half just haven’t been in office long enough to collect that much bribe money.

The University of Washington observed seismic activity from Seahawks fans at the playoff game against the Saints Saturday. Apparently the place was shaking so much, Marques Colston couldn’t even get out of bounds or throw the ball the right direction on the final play.

The University of Washington observed seismic activity from Seahawks fans at the playoff game against the Saints Saturday. If they really want to check out a place in Seattle that is shaking uncontrollably, how about any corner Starbucks on a Monday morning?

Prosecutors say the man who wrote the book the movie “The Wolf of Wall Street” is based on is still bending the truth. When will they learn that the terms “Wall Street” and “truth” are mutually exclusive?

A man was arrested in Times Square for reportedly groping women while dressed as Woody from “Toy Story”. The worst part is that the people weren’t referring to his costume when they identified him as “Woody.”

CNN President Jeff Zucker blasted Fox News, saying the Republican Party is being run out of News Corp. headquarters. Republicans were shocked. They thought they were being run from Rush Limbaugh’s studio.

CNN President Jeff Zucker blasted Fox News, saying the Republican Party is being run out of News Corp. headquarters. CNN, on the other hand is pretty much being run from the bridge of the Titanic.

Alaska, Arizona, California and Oregon may join Washington State and Colorado this year to legalize marijuana. Only western states are trying to legalize pot so far. Mostly because it’s hard enough to understand someone from Massachusetts and Alabama when they aren’t high.

A study says that daily marijuana use is tied to the age of a person’s first psychotic episode. The first psychotic episode being them freaking out when they realize someone has stolen their stash.

The State Department has issued a travel alert for the Sochi Olympics. Mostly that all the good tickets have been taken and the only event left that most people will get to watch is curling.

A study says that watching too much TV can ruin a child’s brain. Fortunately, kids have long since moved away from TV and now spend their time staring at the screens of computers, video games and smartphones.

Nevada’s biggest casinos lost a combined $1.35 Billion in 2013. Tourism is down drastically. Apparently once the word got out on what Tiger Woods was doing there, all the other athletes’ wives won’t let them set foot anywhere near Las Vegas.

Nevada’s biggest casinos lost a combined $1.35 Billion in 2013. Which is what happens when the economy goes bad and everyone just has enough money to buy into the buffet line.

A study says that cellphones are 18 times dirtier than public restrooms. Especially the ones that are on Anthony Weiner’s speed dial.

A study says that cellphones are 18 times dirtier than public restrooms. Which is what happens when people keep texting even when they are using the toilet.

A planetary scientist says that no one owns the Moon. While extraterrestrial ownership may be disputed some day, it is pretty well assumed no one will ever claim Uranus. (It’s old, it’s juvenile but always funny!)

China has surpassed the U.S. as the world’s largest trade nation. Which means that we pretty much traded in our economy for the cheap crap they trade out.

The U.S. military is on a path to become Google’s largest customer with the company’s sales of robots and drones. It’s just unfortunate no one in the military has ever thought to use google to look up “winning military strategy.”

Burrito vending machines are becoming popular in L.A. Apparently it is for people who don’t mind giving up the freshness of a taco truck or the friendly service always found at 7-11.

Burrito vending machines are becoming popular in L.A. Which are not to be confused with all the city’s other corner self serve gas stations.

A study says that the most frequent users of Twitter are narcissists. Especially the people who tweet pictures of themselves rather than the meal they have just eaten.

A study says that the most frequent users of Twitter are narcissists. Which drives them crazy having to say how great they are in 140 or fewer characters.

2013 saw the fewest lightning related deaths ever in the U.S. The only way lightning is going to kill any Americans any more is if it hits a power pole and there is an electric surge that goes into the video game console being used by a teenager.

Neiman Marcus says that thieves may have stolen the credit card information of its customers. Most the customers don’t mind because they thieves will probably charge less than what they are used to seeing on their monthly Neiman Marcus bill.

California Governor Jerry Brown doesn’t support legalized marijuana. Although he can thank pot for his being in charge of the state again. Apparently all the voters who were stoned during the 1970s forgot what it was like the first time he served as governor.

California Governor Jerry Brown doesn’t support legalized marijuana. Apparently there are too many painful memories with pot. The last time he got high, he was considered a presidential favorite, still had hair and was dating Linda Ronstadt.

Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire 2014 baseball season. The ban also includes the playoffs so it could be the first time A-Rod would ever actually earn his salary in the post season.

A wealthy hunter in Dallas paid $350,000 for a chance to hunt and kill a rare black rhino in Nambia. The money will go towards conservation efforts in Africa. Like putting together an exhibit that shows what black rhinos looked like before they became extinct.

A wealthy hunter in Dallas paid $350,000 for a chance to hunt and kill a rare black rhino in Nambia. The money will go towards conservation efforts in Africa. Which sounds about as logical as having a beer garden for an AA meeting fundraiser.

The international finance chief at Wal-Mart is leaving the company. Mostly because the international finance chief at Wal-Mart is pretty much the person in charge of putting the stuff on the shelves.

BP’s appeal to stop “fictitious” claims over the Gulf Oil Spill has failed. It would probably help if BP would at some point stop trying to act like the entire spill was fictitious.

Wall Street traders say that the characters in “The Wolf of Wall Street” are exaggerated. For one thing, the main character actually goes to jail for committing financial crimes.

A report says that driverless cars could cut insurers’ bottom lines. What will be even worse is the amount it will cost health insurance companies when all those cars make it without incident every time to the fast food drive-thru.

A study says that authors write about what they see and experience, including economic hardship which appear in print about ten years after the events. So get ready for a whole bunch of depression era novels hitting the shelves by about 2018 and lasting probably through the entire 21st Century.

A study says that athletic victory stances are about dominance and not pride. Or as the Cubs call a victory stance, grabbing an umbrella for a possible rain cancellation.

A study says that athletic victory stances are about dominance and not pride. Or as A-Rod calls a victory stance, hands against the wall, pants down to the knees and clenching for a steroids injection.

A new blood test may be able to predict patients at risk for a heart attack. Mostly when the blood comes out of the vein at the same consistency as molasses.

Food firms say that 6.4 Trillion fewer calories were sold in 2012 than in 2007. Mostly because after the economic crash people don’t have the money to buy snacks so they are just shoplifting them.

Bobbi Kristina Brown has married her adopted step brother. The sad part is that is the most normal, mainstream news announcement to come from the Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston marriage yet.

Britney Spears started off her Las Vegas casino residency, making $300,000 for each performance which includes Spears lip synching her songs. Apparently the casino figures paying her not to sing for real is the only way to actually get an audience to buy tickets to the show.

Britney Spears has started off her Las Vegas casino residency amidst rumors she has ab lines painted on. Apparently she got the idea after seeing Kim Kardashian putting two beach balls down the back of her jeans.

Shia LaBeouf has announced his retirement from public life. Hollywood insiders were shocked. Apparently he wanted to beat critics to the punch before anyone has a chance to see “Nymphomaniac.”

Justin Bieber is suspected in the egging of a neighbor’s house. Apparently they figured it had to be him. What other person young enough to still throw eggs at a house would be able to do it from a speeding Ferrari?

Justin Bieber is suspected in the egging of a neighbor’s house. The way his recent movie opened, he should do less practicing throwing eggs and more practicing bagging them.

Kim Kardashian is denying she altered recent selfies she took to make her look slimmer. If she wants to look slimmer, all she has to do is take some pictures alongside Kanye West’s inflated head.

Amanda Bynes has agreed to a plea deal in her bong throwing incident in Manhattan. Part of the agreement is she has to move to either Colorado or Washington State.

Paula Abdul is suing an L.A. salon for burns she received while tanning. She is suing for unspecified damages. Mostly because it’s unspecified what skills she even has left to make a living any more.

Paula Abdul is suing an L.A. salon for burns she received while tanning. How doped up is she where she can’t even figure out how to get a real tan in southern California?

Stephen Baldwin still reportedly owes New York State $100,000 off a $400,000 bill for unpaid state taxes. People are confused. They don’t know whether to be more shocked that he was able to make enough money to have a $400,000 tax bill or that he was able to pay off $300,000.

Liberty Mutual says it will insure all U.S. Olympic medals in 2014 and 2016. The Olympic team will even get a discount since it won’t be necessary for the company to insure any medals going to the U.S. in bobsledding, luge or ski jumping.

Liberty Mutual says it will insure all U.S. Olympic medals in 2014 and 2016. The company won’t insure any medals for curling, since the athletes who win those actually are hoping someone will steal them.

The NFL is telling officials to call playoff games like they would in the regular season. In other words, they will be calling holding on every play and make the game last four hours because of their need to get on camera and describe each penalty in detail.

Internet analysts say that online porn viewing increased during the Polar Vortex. Mostly because people thought “Polar Vortex” was the title of a sex tape featuring Kim Kardashian and an Eskimo.

A smart rifle may soon be available that reportedly never misses and costs $10,000. Although for that kind of money it would be cheaper just to hire a hit man.

A smart rifle may soon be available that reportedly never misses and costs $10,000. Or you can just go to the store and buy a package of deer meat with a lot less effort.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am right in the middle of the water crisis in West Virginia you may have read about. I am hoping it helps me develop more of a dry sense of humor. Although I think more than anything the well has pretty much run dry. In any event, any of you who have accused me of being all wet are completely wrong for now anyways. If you can’t send a gallon of H2O, you can always help my thirst for attention by sending the love!