Cameron: I knew that really. Can we rehearse what it is exactly I believe in?

Civil service: This may take a while …

Cameron: I believe … No, make that I firmly believe, that the European Union is both vital and entirely irrelevant to Britain's interests. So it is absolutely right that we should use this opportunity to place ourselves at the centre of Europe by trying to distance ourselves as far from it as possible …

Osborne: Total masterpiece ...

Cameron: And, in conclusion, it is right that the people of Britain should be allowed to have a referendum on our membership sometime long after the next election, by when I will be out of a job so I'm not too bothered one way or the other …