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Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:18:04 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1241
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=== 1241 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1241
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Sun, 23 Dec 2001 18:17:51 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1241
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1236 61 votes 2ahma 28jma gjf74 8pfa3 02ngk 9ajcb hbgb6 2aboe 67m9h 53kif
1236 3.2 mean 3.5 3.5 2.4 2.6 3.9 3.1 2.6 3.6 3.4 3.6
--- 1241-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Buongiorno principessa!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Mantengali mani a lei pervertito.
}
} Dovete all'oracolo un la vacanza italiana.
--- 1241-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O oracle whose brain is big enough to encompass Middle-Earth and Endor,
> Hogwart's and the Steerage, all without that annoying kind of grinding
> my low-RAM computer makes when trying to switch between applications,
> will you please compare for me, the virtues of Star Wars, Harry Potter,
> Fellowship of the Ring, and, just for poetic irony... Titanic?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well sure, gentle supplicant.
}
} Star Wars has several. Not only is it the classic tale blending science
} fiction and fantasy in a seamless story line, but the addition of the
} Force makes it a story of spiritual awakening that, for some strange
} reason, speaks to every person who sees it. That, and the lightsabers
} are cool. Sadly, with the recent addition of Episode One and the
} "revised" scenes to the older films, Lucas has tainted his own vision
} and ruined the story for generations to come (rather than doing the
} sensible thing and dying before he could continue his work). Thus Star
} Wars has little, if any, virtue left.
}
} Harry Potter also has several rather important virtues. Like Star Wars,
} it is a story of spiritual awakening that speaks to every child (and
} adult) who picks it up. The magic serves as a plot device rather than
} as a central theme -- you could just as easily make it a story about
} technological marvels, and it would work just as well. The book's
} sequels (and the eventual movie sequels) add to the story rather than
} subtract to the experience, thus ensuring Potter a place in history,
} right next to Blade Runner. Well, maybe in the next aisle over --
} anyone who reads those two stories right after another needs some
} serious help. But it is about magic, and for some odd reason that
} frightens a lot of people, who then begin babbling something about this
} "God" person I keep hearing so much about. So, to them, Harry Potter
} has about as much virtue as Star Wars, but without the lightsabers to
} make it cool.
}
} Pity.
}
} So now we come to Tolkien's epic, which begins quite appropriately with
} the Fellowship of the Ring (though some say it might be best to read
} the Hobbit first, the subject of which actually started the Persian
} Gulf War -- a little known fact). It's a story that has everything: a
} rich background, action, adventure, romance, and dare I say even a
} mind-blowing message behind it. The tale has shaken and changed many a
} life over the years, and is on par with many of the other great stories
} of history. Sadly, the movie's about as good as leftover limburger
} cheese that's been sitting out all week, so many people will be
} discouraged from reading what would normally be a life-changing book.
} Any virtue the Fellowship of the Ring may have had was just flushed
} down the toilet, and you can thank Hollywood for that.
}
} Then there's Titanic, which is a mindless story about two people you've
} never heard of and never will, mostly because they didn't really exist.
} The whole plotline takes place in a flashback, and mainly involves a
} woman, a diamond, and some sort of third-rate artist. Then, of course,
} the ship manages to crash into an iceberg, and you get to see humanity
} at its worst as the rich decide to save themselves and let the poor
} die. The only real highlight of this film is to see Leonardo Dicaprio
} freeze to death in the ocean, and then drown.
}
} Hehehehe. I could watch that over and over again. I've nearly worn out
} the DVD. Here, let me rewind that part again ...
}
} Oh, that's -hilarious-! "I'll never let go, Jack," she says, and then
} she lets go! Oh, that's classic! Drown, Leo, drown!
}
} Hehehehe. I'm sorry. Let me get a tissue, I'm laughing so hard ...
} ahem. Anyway, clearly Titanic is the superior film, if just for that
} scene. Its one redeeming virtue is worth it. Trust me.
}
} Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. God, I love it!
}
} You owe the Oracle the movie Titanic on DVD. Make that two of them. I
} think my DVD just snapped, and it's best to keep a spare.
--- 1241-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Happy Christmas, and a Merry New Year!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} <> <> <> <> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <>
} The Night Before Day
} <> <> <> <> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <><> <> <>
}
} 'Twas the night before day, when all through the queue
} Not an incarnation was stirring, not even you,
} The w..dch..ks were hung by their tails near the stair
} In hopes that cat would soon notice them there,
}
} The stock characters were nestled all snug in their beds,
} While visions of digestion danced in their heads;
} And Og in outhouse, sat down with a -slap-
} Had just settled down for a long hefty...something or other.
}
} When out of the mainframe there arose such a clatter,
} I sprang up from Lisa to see what was the matter.
} Away to the terminal, though dazed by blonde hash,
} I scanned /tmp and glanced in the cache
} The moon on the breast of nearby Lisa did glow,
} And made me think, why to work I did go.
} When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
} But the kind of system crash that fills one with fear!
}
} With an old video driver, so cranky and sick,
} I knew in a moment the whole box was going down quick!
} More noisy than beagles, the drives when insane
} the CPU whistled, drives clattered, and sounded in pain;
}
} "Now, DAMNIT! Oh Curses!, OH DANGIT! It's fritzin'!
} Oh Vomit! oh stupid! Oh heck the whole thing needs fixin'!
} from the top of / the inodes did fall!
} the file systems are garbled, I'll have to rebuild it all"
}
} As dry heaves engulfed me I knew I must try,
} for until it was done, no Lisa thigh.
} And then, in a twinkling, I heard by the stair
} The clawing and pawing of the w..dch..ks hung there.
} As I drew out the zot wand and was turning around,
} from behind me came an ungodly sound.
}
} In wet bloody fur, from the head to it's foot,
} And with face all tarnished with zot caused soot;
} A w..dch..k from hell lead the others in an attack
} And the meanest mother was leading the pack.
}
} Their eyes -- how they glowed in the face of each beast,
} I knew on my carcass they desired to feast!
} With vile little mouths full of razors and OH!
} One of them had a pipe bomb in tow!
}
} The stump of the pipe he held tight in his teeth,
} And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
} He had a broad face and a little round belly,
} That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
}
} He was chubby and plump, a right jolly demon from yes no hell!
} And I laughed when I saw him, in spite the smell;
} I whisk out the zot wand and blasted off his head,
} Soon all the others too would be dead!
}
} Then Og showed up, with a knife and a fork,
} And he fell to kill them all, making a mess, what a dork!
} He laughed as he stomped on them, his laughter it rose,
} for on each one he stomped the floor sported a bloody
} pattern much like a rose.
}
} Lisa sprang up and hollered, "You've messed up the floor!"
} She's cute when she's angry and can curse like a...an angry person.
} But I heard Og exclaim, as he dove out of sight,
} "urgh! UG! Og sor-RY!"
} Then I had to turn my attention back to the computer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mop and a new RAID.
--- 1241-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why won't nobody vote for me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dear supplicant,
}
} Let us look carefully at your campaign statements. The answer should be
} apparent.
}
} 1. I don't promise to not lower taxes.
} 2. Non-universal health care is not unfeasible.
} 3. I don't not support the non-use of stem cells for research.
} 4. I don't not think that society doesn't need non-social programs.
} 5. I am not opposed to the opposition of the opposed war on terrorism.
} 6. We don't need no more money to not stimulate decline in the economy.
} 7. I promise to not do nothing to not oppose peace in the middle-east.
} 8. We shouldn't not not spend less money to not save the environment.
} 9. Please don't not vote for my opponent because he is not a
} non-bleeding-heart conservative.
} 10.Grammer is not a non-essential subject that shouldn't be not taught
} in elementary schools.
--- 1241-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Everything was going just fine, and then the bottom fell
> out. What happened?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Those trousers were *way* too tight.
}
} You owe the Oracle $1000 cash so he can make bail.
--- 1241-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wisest Oracle, Accuracy Corporeal, Master of Locution,
> Virtuoso of Certitude, please answer my lowly question,
>
> Why are Californians dismayed by power failures there,
> isn't sitting in the dark natural and environmentally
> safe?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Easy. No-one has yet told Californians that even though
} their lighters have an electric spark, you don't need to
} plug them into the mains before lighting your spliff.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pedal-powered hot tub.
--- 1241-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great and ultimately employable Oracle, please grant this humble
> supplicant an iota of your near-infinite knowledge,
>
> This job market really sucks. I'm really good at what I do, but nobody
> seems to need me. What does my future hold?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Reply Hazy, Try Again.
--- 1241-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> who knows the difference between a Baggins and a Bagshot,
>
> What have I got in my pockets ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hey, man, don't flash that around. There are cops all over this cafe.
} If you're really interested in doing some business, meet me at the Taco
} Bell in half an hour.
}
} >Sure, buddy.
}
} [Half of one of your mortal "hours" elapses...]
}
} >Hey.
}
} I see you've got the merchandise. Where did you get this, anyway?
}
} >Does it matter?
}
} I need to know if I'm getting a pure sample.
}
} >My man, this is entirely legit. It's straight from the Shire, I swear.
}
} What's the pedigree?
}
} >Well, this is from a Stout, and these two are Proudfoot.
}
} Great. I'll give you ten K for the Stout, seven each for the Proudfoot.
}
} >In krugerrands, right?
}
} As always.
}
} >How'd you get so many krugerrands, anyway?
}
} Tribute from Swiss bankers wishing to know how to avoid paying Holocaust
} repara -- I mean, none of your business.
}
} >Right you are. Shall we do this, then?
}
} Certainly. Here's a key. It'll unlock locker 613 at the gym on Twelfth
} street. The krugerrands are in there.
}
} >Uh...
}
} What? Don't you trust me?
}
} >Uh... sure, Orrie. Sure, I trust you.
}
} Don't use my name here!
}
} >Sorry.
}
} Now give me those vials.
}
} >Here you go.
}
} [The Oracle holds a vial full of a cloudy substance up to the light.]
}
} Perfect.
}
} [A stranger at another table stands up suddenly.]
}
} : Oracle!
}
} Huh?
}
} : What have I got in my pockets?
}
} [The Oracle brings his powers of knowledge to bear on the stranger.]
}
} Uh... a badge. Oh hell. You owe the Oracle a running start.
}
} : Fat chance, Oracle. You're under arrest for suspected traffic in
} biological warfare paraphenalia.
}
} >That's not it at all, sir! The charge should be conspiracy to purchase
} >smuggled hobbit genetic materia --
}
} Shutupshutupshutup!
}
} : That stuff is hobbit semen? You've gotta be kidding.
}
} Please understand, officer. I need it to breed the perfect Pokemon!
} There's no other way to get that vital hairy-feet chromosome!
}
} : You freaking perverts are all alike. Okay, put your hands behind your
} backs, both of you. I'm gonna have to confiscate your rings, sir.
}
} [vwip]
}
} No! Not my Class of the Second Age ring!
}
} [vwip vwip!]
}
} No! Not my Cap'n Crunch secret decoder rings!
}
} >Officer, I don't have any ri --
}
} [vwip!]
}
} >OWW that was my FINGER you bastard! AAAWWH...
}
} [The supplicant collapses.]
}
} : Right, it's off to the station with you two.
}
} But officer --
}
} : Shut up. Don't you know hobbit molesters fall under the new Defense
} of Fantasy Creatures from Use for Immoral Purposes Act?
}
} It wasn't for immoral purposes! I just wanted to catch 'em all!
}
} : Shut up and get in the back.
}
} Pig.
}
} : I heard that, you pervert. You know, I oughtta shoot you right now
} and say you were resisting arrest. But pity's staying my hand, see,
} 'cause I already had to deal with some dusthead named Potter selling
} brooms with unauthorized modifications and no permits or VIN numbers.
}
} And it's a pity you've run out of bullets?
}
} : You catch on fast, Oracle.
}
} Quickly now, you owe the Oracle one of two things, your choice:
} 1. a Pokeball containing Bustouttajailachu or his evolved form
} Daringescapeachu, or
} 2. your refusal to testify.
} And stop sniveling over your finger. It could have been worse.
} It could have been your 'precious.' Get me? Now shut up and let me
} think. You also owe the Oracle a copy of /Bored of the Rings/ with
} maybe some /Adventures of O. C. and Stiggs/ on the side. And give me
} that key back. It'll be safe right here in my pocket... Hey, there's a
} ring in here! Score!
--- 1241-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sometimes the queue's all great questions for me;
} Other times it's full of junk I can't even see.
} Lately it occurs to me
} What a long, strange trip it's been.
}
} Now what in the world ever became of incarnations?
} They lost their sense of duty, you know it isn't the same.
} Doling out zots, and jabs, and put downs,
} All a Oracle can say is ain't it a shame.
}
} Queue's up to 'no tellme' loads,
} Been thinkin' I gotta answer slow.
} It takes time, to formulate a good joke you know,
} And just keep queuein' on.
}
} Sittin' and starin' at the motionless monitor,
} Got a block that makes being funny a sin,
} I like to get some sleep before I incarnate,
} But if 24 hours pass, then the question will just queue again,
}
} Busted, average down to 2.3
} Fed up, think I'll not incarnate again,
} Knocked down, another fifth of gin,
} They just won't let you be, four point 'Oh',
}
} Sometimes the queue's all great questions for me;
} Other times it's full of junk I can barely believe.
} Lately it occurs to me
} What a long, strange trip it's been.
}
} You owe the Oracle a black tee-shirt.
--- 1241-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Most Progressive Oracle, you are more worldly than all the world's
> working women and more friendly than twenty seven hundred mall
> Santas,
>
> What can I do about her smoking??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 1. Ask her to stop.
} 2. Beg her to stop.
} 3. Order her to stop.
} 4. Pay her to stop.
} 5. Hide her cigarettes.
} 6. Soil her cigarettes.
} 7. Put a nude picture of Boris Yeltsin in her cigarette pack.
} 8. Carry a water pistol.
} 9. Filled with kerosene.
} 10. Make her a sexy nightie of nicotine patches.
} 11. Make yourself a shirt of inside-out nicotine patches and hug her a
} lot.
} 12. Invent a safe cigarette.
} 13. Invent an artificial lung.
} 14. Invent a non-smoking girlfriend and dump the current one.
} 15. Anesthetize her, suture her orifices shut, and surgically attach
} scuba gear.
} 16. Switch her to alcohol.
} 17. Or narcotics.
} 18. Or chewing tobacco.
} 19. Or chocolate.
} 20. Or Civilization.
} 21. Wire her up to a battery set.
} 22. Give her tiny shocks whenever she lights up.
} 23. Step up the voltage.
} 24. Whoops! Now she's smoking again, but not by choice.
} 25. Apologize with flowers.
} 26. Poppies are a good choice.
} 27. Poppies will make her sleep.
} 28. Sleep.
} 29. Now she'll sleep.
} 30. While she sleeps, whisper anti-smoking slogans in her ear.
} 31. Buy her a case of Nicorette gum.
} 32. And Nicorette floss.
} 33. And Nicorette nasal spray.
} 34. Fill a swimming pool with nicotine and shove her in.
} 35. Suggest that she go cold turkey.
} 36. Not Wild Turkey, COLD turkey.
} 37. Watch helplessly as an angry turkey chases her around the barnyard.
} 38. Ask yourself, "Couldn't I find someone a little brighter to date?"
} 39. A week later, after you've been dumped two dozen times, ask her to
} take you back.
} 40. When she refuses, butter her up with a case of smokes.
} 41. Suggest she quit for New Year's.
} 42. Suggest she quit for Lent.
} 43. Suggest she quit for Armenian Yak-Cheese Day.
} 44. Tell her she won't gain weight if she quits.
} 45. Promise you'll exercise with her.
} 46. Promise you'll love her if she balloons up.
} 47. Promise you'll spring for the liposuction.
} 48. Fill her cigarette packs with Twinkies.
} 49. Make them nicotine-soaked Twinkies.
}
} And the only thing you REALLY can do ...
}
} 50. Learn to live with it. You think you can make a smoker quit? You
} think you can change your girlfriend? You have a lot to learn about
} the world, my child.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Serenity Prayer, needlepointed on a
} dried tobacco leaf.