When the hardest thing about “love thy neighbor” is your neighbor

I often have great ideals. I’m all about being “missional”. Love God, love others. Yes! I want to reach my neighbors, make an impact, be that person in the neighborhood who has an open door and is known for generous hospitality.

But I have a significant roadblock when it comes to living out my ideals. Sometimes the hardest part about loving my neighbor is…my neighbor.

One day I looked out and saw a neighbor was helping herself to some of my bricks that are neatly stacked awaiting my landscaping genius. My neighbor said, “well, I’ve been looking at those bricks and decided I needed a few, so I’m taking some. If you decide you need the ones I take, just come and ask for them back.” Uhm…

For a time, one of my neighbors was a homeless man named Charles who hung around constantly next door or across the street. I greeted him regularly, but sometimes he would say the kind of uncomfortable things that would cause me as a young woman with “city smarts” to raise my guard pretty high.

Another neighbor decided to have his dog euthanized 9 feet from my back porch. He had prepared my wheelbarrow to use to bury the dog. My property is so small, there was no way to avoid overhearing the conversation and weeping. Which lasted 8 hours. The vet even (unknowingly) used my deck to prepare his tools…

I’m sure there are lots of stories we could all share about neighbors who push our buttons, seem odd to us, or are simply annoying. I’m sure I’ve even been that neighbor!

Here’s what I’ve learned about having neighbors: some are great, but some seem to lack what is known as social and/or emotional intelligence. That is, some neighbors do not have a good sense of healthy boundaries. Some neighbors will take all we have to give and more. Some will leave us feeling used and vulnerable.

So what does this mean for those of us who want to live missionally and love our neighbors?

For some it has meant burnout. Or fatigue. Or disillusionment. It’s easier to just not engage at all.

When a person crosses our boundaries, it makes us more sensitive, more blocked off, and sometimes less generous to others in general. We get self-protective, skeptical, and defensive–and experience says this is with reason.

Loving our neighbors requires healthy boundaries

But this is where it’s good to heed the advice of wise counselors. It is biblical and wise to know that loving our neighbors requires having healthy boundaries — otherwise we will feel like failures and won’t survive.

“When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.”

I think this applies well to people we know well, and to the neighbors we are trying to love in Jesus’ name.

So about those neighbors of mine…

I still wanted to bless Charles, my homeless neighbor, but felt it wise I maintain a healthy distance. So I asked my friend Joe, another neighbor, to give him some food and travel size shampoo, soap, and toothpaste I had collected.

We can still be a blessing to our neighbors, while being wise in how we do it.

While euthanizing a dog in the backyard crossed a various boundaries, I was still aware that this was a profound loss for my neighbor. So I sent them a card expressing condolences, which was very meaningful to them. It’s opening doors for important conversation.

God can help us discern the root issue and greatest need and how we should respond in the moment.

This moment I felt called to extend some grace in a difficult time of grief. I will address property boundaries on another occasion.

The other night our condo association board met. Most of our discussion related to boundaries and neighbors and how to create healthy community. Sometimes we don’t appreciate boundary lines until someone crosses them and it costs us. One of our issues was a neighbor who didn’t respect boundaries when it came to water usage, which cost us all a lot of money. Our action was to add strict regulations for all water usage. In context, this decision seems very wise.

I’m still figuring out how to be missional and love my neighbor, while also setting good boundaries. In the long run, I think the two go hand in hand.

If we don’t learn to set boundaries, community suffers. If we don’t step out in love we risk missing out on the gift of participating in God’s kingdom work. Let’s pursue the wisdom of both.