Reader Question: I’m in the closet in a conservative Caribbean nation? Should a pursue this long-distance relationship?

Q: First at all, I am a fan of your blog, I have learned so many things reading it. I will start by saying that I live in the Dominican Republic and Spanish is my mother language. I am 30 years old. I am a teacher at a public high school. I am deeply in the closet. In fact, I would say that I just admitted very recently to myself that I am gay (maybe a small bit bisexual). I will share my history with you.

I was raised by a very traditional family. Most of my family members are Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was very active in the congregation since I was very little, all my life, the congregation was the center of everything for me.

Since my earliest memories I always knew I was different, to make things short, When i was 21 I became an atheist and at age 25 I started looking for meeting other men in the Internet. I was too picky because I wanted somebody for a relationship not only for sex.

I had my first experience a month before turning 28 with a 19-year-old man with whom I started a relationship. Briefly after that I broke up because I didn’t feel in love and I didn’t really like the sex (it was only oral).

After I went through a period of negation of my feelings and a brief depression. This year I had an experience that I really liked with a person with whom I was supposed to start a relationship, but it didn’t work out, I guess he only wanted me for the sex. After that point i realized that I was gay.

Recently I started a distance relationship with someone who is great, but who lies sometimes, I think he loves me, but he lies in small things, like if he were afraid of losing me or making me sad. I don’t know what to do.

Should I leave him?

Should I stay with him only as a friend with benefits?

Am I right looking for a relationship or should I just have fun and the right one will show up?

By the way, I am a virgin top in the sense that I haven’t inserted my penis in no anus yet. But I enjoy a lot role play, rimming, sucking, nipple play, etc. So, I am barely experienced.

I wish you could tell me about how to handle gay men, I think that from all the types you have described, I am the freak with a heart of gold, with the exception, that I might not be a freak, (maybe I am, I just need to let go of a bit of fear, hehehe)

Thanks for reading, can’t wait for your advice.

A: Thanks so much for contacting me and thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate that.

Coming out and learning to cope with being gay and forming relationships is not a one-size-fits-all thing. You have to do it at a pace in which you feel comfortable. Because ultimately it’s all about you and your comfort zone.

Still, as regards pursuing a relationship I would put brakes on. Don’t stop. Just slow down. Don’t rush it. You are young and still trying to come to terms with your sexuality, your sexual wants and needs, and being in the closet. And conducting long-distance relationships can be difficult.

Of course keep this person as a friend. Just take it easy. Listen to your intuition (you said he lies about things — that could be a warning sign). See what type of character he ultimately unveils. Remember action speaks louder than words. And listen to what he is saying to you with your head — not your heart or sexual organs — because men often tell you exactly where they are coming from but folks don’t want to listen.

Then decide whether he is worth your time and whether a deeper relationship is in the works.

In the meantime read some good books on being gay. Don’t worry about folks getting in your business by seeing you read a gay book. If you have a smart phone or tablet you can read them right on the device. There are also several websites that can help you (besides dlconfessionssequel.com of course LOL).

I know some gay American men who visit the Dominican Republic to get cheap, easy sex. And let’s be honest — Dominican, Haitian and Puerto Rican men can be hot.

But being gay in the Dominican Republic is tougher than in the United States.There is no law against homosexual acts but LGBT do not have protection from discrimination. They can lose jobs or be denied housing with no legal recourse. In fact, I heard the Dominican Republic even bars gay people from being in the military or on the police (Yeah right. I wonder how that is working out for them).

The Dominican Republic is also a very conservative, Catholic country — I was reading a Cardinal got the police to close down several gay clubs in 2006. Hope the situation is better but I understand your reasons for being in the closet, particularly since you work with young people.

As far as learning to handle gay men that’s not easy to answer. Every man and woman is different. Just treat everyone with respect and honesty unless they show you they are not worthy of that. And be yourself. It’s really that easy.

Well, good luck to you and stay in touch. I will share your letter on the blog (without using your name of course). Some of my readers may have good advice (I learn from them all the time) so please read the comments to see what they say.

I thought about this overnight….well maybe not overnight. When I initially read this last night, I wasn’t going to say anything. I felt like what was the point. Whenever you have a reader question, it always leaves me, personally, with more questions. They never answer or fill in, those unanswered questions. Plus I feel like I come off as mean or an ass, to your reader questioner, so…

Immanuel I think you gave a good response, considering the information you got. Personally, I think they’re holes big enough to walk through…to give a truly helpful answer, as far as the long distance relationship concerns. He gave no specifics, as far as that relationship is concerns. It was basically… I’m in a long distance relationship, he lies, he lies as if he might love me, should I be in a relationship with him?
How could one give advice based on that?
I mean how did you meet him? How long of a distance?…another Caribbean island?…the States?…Canada? He lies about what…his height or that he has a wife and kids and that he is in the S&M Bondage scene?

The reason I decided to leave a comment, was this morning on my way to work, I was thinking about are young Dominican Republic brotha’s dating issue. Why does he want to date someone or be in a relationship so badly? Why not just date or casually have sex, regularly? Then something hit me. Maybe it’s safer to be in a long-term relationship in the Caribbean island, than to date or have sex casually…? Then again there’s a stereotype that only women need to lose their virginity to ones they are in love with, but I think men, especially gay men, a lot of the time can want the same. Is this the guy you want to loose it too? Is he worth it…only the Freakless Freak with the Heart of Gold can answer that.

I get it…the whole dating/men thing can be hard. I have been messing around with men, for over a decade, and still half the time don’t know what to do. In fact I was just going to email Immanuel earlier this week with a question…but I just hadn’t done it yet, not sure…

Yes there were details he left out so I could only answer them at face value. He did seem fixated on being in a relationship and I like your explanations of why he might desire one. Personally people who advertise online they are looking for relationships turn me off or send a red flag. Get to be friends with people first and develop yourself and then relationships will come. Don’t put the cart before the horse. I can understand the losing his virginity thing but he likes to rim…so he is already eating ass so he is pretty deeply into gay sex. Besides many gay men don’t do anal…anal sex is not a requirement to be gay. Well thanks for your thoughtful comment. I always appreciate your deep thinking.

It’s so funny you said that…wow. The email I was going to send you was just about intercourse sex and a small interaction involving around that. Half way writing it, I felt silly, and decided against it.
Anyway my point is that, just like some heterosexuals; you can do everything under the moon, but until you do actual intercourse, some feel like they are still virgins.