Sarah Silverman Shares Her Dos and Don'ts of Being an Actual, Full-Grown Woman

You'd think Sarah Silverman (the brilliantly irreverent potty-mouthed comic) would be stuck in a perma-adolescence, what with the pigtails and all. But behind that exterior, the 43-year-old is quite mature. (Years of therapy, people.) Listen in as the funnylady, who's now starring alongside Charlize Theron and Amanda Seyfried in A Million Ways to Die in the West, tells us all how to woman up:

Keep your overhead low. Get a car with good mileage. Work toward buying your apartment. Shop at Gap. Enough with obsessing over the latest bag. It's a purse. It holds stuff. Get a backpack. You're being ridiculous.

Do brush and floss your teeth every day for reals.

Death creeps in through the gums. And scrape your gross tongue.Don't expect someone to "complete" you

I don't want to make a guy whole; I want him to come whole. I just realized I said "come whole."

Do be with someone who gets turned on by you being turned on in bed

Not everything has to be tit for tat, but a little genuine reciprocity is key.

Don't be a bitter ex

I adore the men I've dated and tend to stay close friends. They become family. I could be bitter, but bitterness feels bad. And it's aging.

Do listen to your mom

She may surprise you. The first time I got my heart broken, I thought I was gonna die. My mom was like, "Don't build a wall. Don't let this keep you from falling in love again. Even though it hurts, it's worth it." I never forgot it.

Don't lack initiative

People tell me, "I want to be a writer." OK, then write. There's no trick. No one's gonna knock on your door and ask you to write. Just write, dummy. Put your 10,000 hours in (see: Malcolm Gladwell), and be undeniable.

Also, don't let defeat discourage you

I got fired from Saturday Night Live and fired from my next job, a sitcom, right after. It made me gun-shy. But I lived through it. I kept going. As Charlie Kaufman said: "Do not worry about failure. Failure is a badge of honor. It means you risked failure."

Do start reflecting

I do therapy. If therapy isn't your thing, then go to church or get a Pema Chdrn book for $9 on Audible—whatever you need to do to live an examined life. It'll make your life (and the lives of people around you) exponentially richer.

Don't talk sh-t about yourself

You'll start to believe it. Instead of droning on and on about how the tops of your strong, working thighs touch, why don't you ask your friends how they're doing, huh?

Do be nice to yourself

I've caught myself feeling utter disgust looking at myself naked, and then I realized: If I was someone else, I would think, She's beautiful and strong! If we were half as nice to ourselves as we are to any f--king stranger on the street, we'd be winning.

Don't hate on your grown-ass skin

I know, aging is like a really slow-moving horror movie, especially for women. But the lines on our faces are valuable. When I see people with fillers or weirdo stretched-out faces, I'm like, You look crazy. (Except Jennifer Aniston. I don't know what she does, but she looks f--king great!) Your skin is gonna change. Mine is changing now. It's getting looser. It's how it is, OK?