The Squealer, 2013 – Fat Bike Hogging

So I was first reporting of fat bike, fat bikes and fat biking with Tim Allen and how he Fat Bike rides in Colorado. So for my own test I was able to arrange a racing event on a fat bike here in Arizona. For expectations as a winner, I told Jim that I’d be able to close the deal in two hours with the fat bike so he gave me the number. #57 off the line. 4am arrived so soon, but I was fortunate. Some had been up since 2, or not at all (Scooby).

So I want it to be known a lot of times that I won The Squealer in 2011. When 2012 came along I just blacked-out so nothing. Then now, – 2013 – well it almost passed again. Quickly though, I worked out the angle to ride Dirty Biker’s Fat Bike. This made for a perfect thing because I want to know the truth. You know, call a spade a spade? This was my idea. So I did a lot more than ride a fat bike in a parking lot. I gave the most important dirty race in the world to make a test where I am really making the fat bike go on the trail so hard as I can. I will talk more about this, but true, none of this is making sense which is like like hogging, you know? Nobody talks about that. Sometimes secrets are good.

So with the spade part, and I am totally ok with anybody for having a fat bike to make a good time, but it goes so true in my mind that the fat bikes are just a sad point in the fictitiously urgent escalation of sales for the bicycling industry. So then it is ok for the guys to not like me too because I can tell a thing about a bike like this. A Fat Bike is a pig. They are not beautiful, they are not nimble, they are not better in sand than a shouldered cyclocross which is to say going in a desert wash is still not a good idea unless you are needing a way to pedal hard for like 4 kph? So after two hours of test riding and throwing dirt around for great Mountain Bike Action, I just have no idea how anything is happening to make Fat Bikes a good idea? Thoughts of Jonestown seep into mind. For more analogy the fat bike is like American monster trucks you know? I am wondering about a racing suit for fire now which can be pretty fun especially for the kids but this is a bici and my legs too so the hurt is so muche more. It’s already so bad enough to be dirty on dirty trails racing, but now the fat bike just makes it take longer? I donut know. It is crazy lemming talk these things so it makes no sense to have a fat bike unless you are in snow, or like I said to BGR once, the Sahara is also a good place to win for fat bikes.

But then I think maybe you have already spent like 2k+ on a fat bike so I will want to say how very happy I am for you making a good choice like this. But maybe there is another guy on the fence thinking this bike will serve a purpose? So it does that: If you need to claim a persona the Fat Bike will give you the kind of chance you want. It is like a finish line: if nobody else in your town has one yet, you can be the Fat Bike guy then, ok? People will think you know things and so many times that is hard to fake, but not now! +1 fat bike to do so well as a winning facsimile. But still, don’t forget the math. Every concern to have is baked right in. If you are slow and thinking this will make a good spectacle for conversations, you are going to be right. Deepe down in your soul, you will not like what you are doing but you have so muche conversation to make, it is of no matter. So you see? You will be suffering with so much “fun” you donut even believe it. Very goode.

To say obvious things you will know the weight is in the wheels and so like all those things we-as-cyclists are generally selling like minimizing rotational weight and Q-factors and crabon velocity weaving compressions, well the fat bike will not have that. Like so muche merde, slow is for the fatbike except when a carnival breaks out and nobody is having a bad time.

Across the National trail of South Mountain, I was riding into the turns and the fatbike was going another way. Like a big fat baby it just keeps trying to climb out of turns and for no reason why. So then too the hills come, and momentum hides away so fast it is like cold water. No passion. So I learn enroute to drop shoulder like hogging you know? Then it moves predictably, like the furniture. You understand this. Oui. For proof just before the midway point, Dax goes by on a single speed which is ok. He was a Winner so I was trying to tell him that I’m on a fat bike but I don’t think he was hearing me. When Brian Bennet went by I pushed on the pedals a little harder and thought of Ned because he is always talking about pushing on the pedals harder. Naturally, what would Moley Russel’s wart do? I donut know but I was able to sit on his wheel for a whole duration of my desire which was like 400 meters. Then I rolled on to the finish. I arrived there in 2 hours and 56 seconds so my estimate to jim was off by a minute whiche is pretty good for a guess.

I have a mind made up. Thanks to Dirty Biker and his drunkcyclist.com for le fat bike. I know they don’t like to do things like this but since they can offer I am thanking him now. I’m glad he likes to like the fat bikes, but after this dirty testing of the bike, I will not be able to have one. This is ok. I’m happy for the industry to be making successful money of the fat bikes and they must be amazing in the wilderness of snowy places, but really, no. So next year I will return to the old ways. The case for Fat Bike is now closed.

And as always, Jim, thank you. It’s been 15 great years of Arizona Cycling that you have helped create with your amazing event. I’ll be certain to be prepared for 2014. For reading, here is what Jim sent to Superissimo:

Attached are the results from The Squealer. It was another good year, great weather and plenty of carnage. Luckily only Jason Alexander was put out of his race by a dislocated finger. All of the other injured made it to the Bloodiest Rider contest that was won by Ben Hammer after falling off a cliff near the old bunny hill. Speedy recovery to everyone!

The bunnies had to get up way before dawn to hide eggs in Hidden Valley. That gave the riders an extra challenge of scrambling through the tunnel, up the boulders, and over Fat Man’s Pass.

Congratulations to the winners: Dax, Brian, and Jennifer.

Thanks to everyone who rode, and everyone who helped make it another success, including:

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Comments

I got all of the words I was after in your review of fat…slow, pig, spectacle, furniture & donuts…I want one! almost as bad as the racing suit for fire you mention….have not seen that in the catalog yet

The fire suit is hors categorie de fatte hellbelly! have fun in the sands of Powell and beyond on your fatte whip when you have it. Admittedly, I rode 20psi on the tires and I’m sure at 12psi, it will be a sand and slush dreamer.

This is disappointing. The bitterness, I mean. You rode a fat bike in a race and were dissatisfied. Duh. They ARE pigs, as out you truthfully point. It is hardly a fair shake to try out a decidedly NONracing bike in race conditions and fuss about it’s being slow, but if that’s your scene then I get it. What I don’t get is lumping cyclists who dig the fat ride into a category of posers or attention whores. Lame.

If a fat bike doesn’t appeal to you, that’s cool. But giving it a real chance would have been cooler. You compare it to monster trucks, though I think a closer analogy would be a 4×4 if we’re talking motorized. You can take a fat bike places which are places you want to be but which wouldn’t be fun (or in some cases even possible) on any other bike. That’s some real, solo, pure fun.

Ah Dick. Sorry man. For the record, all bikes are a-ok. Sure, the fat bike is a pig. like anything plump it doesn’t have any secrets regarding that aspect. I know. I’m just on it for all the obvious “no shit” issues it’s has, which are no more or less viable than any other bike’s limitations. Every bike has its environment. Every bike has its fans. But if I can race a single speed, I can race a fat bike, or any bike. I come at it from a more orthodox perspective here, and for an attempt at creative humor. I guess it didn’t work for you, but I know of at least two other people who chuckled.

Thus, it doesn’t need to be said any more, but I’m going to say it: Fat bikes are fun machines, and awesome in their element. So why not write about that? That’s already been said and advertised to death, amigo. I almost feel wrong because I’m not buying it. That’s all I’m saying, and to each their own.