Well since it’s a quiet day with nothing going on, except some silly rogue promotion running a show called “Wrestlemania” (stupid name, it’ll never work), I think we need a little more WCW in our lives. In fact, that should have been the company motto. WCW: We need more lives. No, wait ... let’s work on that. As we ponder slogan perfection ...

THIS portion of WCW Saturday Night is brought to you by PEPBOYS! Everything but gas! But worry not, I’m sure we’ll see Hot Pockets by the second ad break to cure THAT problem.

TONY SCHAVONE and DUSTY RHODES are here with a shortened edition of WCW Saturday Night. So, not only will we be without Nitro OR Prime due to pre-emption (I have to assume there’s a very special episode of Nikita), we’ve compacted our 2 hours here into 1. Well, I never.

RANDY SAVAGE vs. THE PUNISHER

Look, I realize this company’s eventual legacy was “likes to bleed money”, and putting guys dressed in black, with a super hero mask, and calling him the Punisher probably didn’t help that stigma, but it is damn sure entertaining to see them waving their proverbial phallic objects in the air screaming “SUE US – WE’RE WHERE THE BIG BOYS PLAY” over a jobber. But, maybe he’s not a jobber. Maybe, just maybe, WCW is going to leach off of the popular comic book that roughly around this time was meeting Archie Andrews for the first time, and ... nope, he’s a jobber. Big elbow, 0:45. DUD Sigh.

LEE MARSHALL’S MUSTACHE gets in a word with Mach. The stache makes fun of Savage’s personal life which is crumbling apart at the seams, which doesn’t seem like a good idea where Savage is concerned. Because he’s insane, he admits he likes being fired up by these questions, and promises to explode at the right time. Darn right he would!

Meanwhile, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND is with JIMMY HART, KEVIN SULLIVAN, and ARN ANDERSON. Anderson’s a little pissed about everyone abandoning him recently, and leaving him to take all the bullets. Sullivan says he’s gotta learn to trust a Horseman to get to Hogan, and they tentatively agree to get along ... for now.

KEVIN SULLIVAN (with Jimmy Hart) vs. BUTCH LONG and SOME GUY

Sullivan double stomps Butch Long right in the belly welly (tm Dusty) at 0:20 to prove he can also handle 2-on-1 matches. DUD

STEVEN REGAL complete with a blackened eye is found with “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND. Regal promises his war with Finlay isn’t over ... it’ll never, ever be over. “Last week he ambushed me, fracturing my cheek and needing 12 stitches in my eye. Two weeks ago he broke my nose.” The long and the short; he wants one more battle to put Fit Finlay on the extinction list to satisfy his soul. This feud is seriously the best thing going today (at the time!). Maybe it’ll have to be settled in a Junkyard Invitational. Maybe. Just maybe.

Changing suits, Gene bumps into HULK HOGAN. Hogan says he’s had a lot of sleepless nights in recent history, and doesn’t trust anyone except his good friends Macho and Brother Booty. And with that, we’ve got an appearance from THE BOOTY MAN and his BOOTY BABE. He completely botches the (taped!!) promo trying to lay out the stipulations, but Hogan figures it out. The winner of this coming tag-team match gets the opposition’s manager alone for 5 minutes. Hogan freaks out that Booty would put freakin’ Kimberly on the line, and tells him he’d better be prepared to back them up, even if they “slip on a banana peel”. Don’t you have a season of Thunder in Paradise to film, Hulk?

THE PUBLIC ENEMY vs. THE SOUTHERN POSSE

Senton wins at 0:38, though most of the match is spent with a pre-tape featuring the Nastys. Match gets the standard DUD. I know they’re on vacation this week, but they’re not even TRYING.

In a Very Special Interview, Ric Flair shows Randy Savage what the good life is all about. Limousines. Champagne. Police escorts. Liz. Woman. Nitro? What was the point of this?

I’m totally okay with this match following tonight’s trend and going less than a minute. And, hallelujah – RANDY SAVAGE rushes the ring to attack, and despite being held back by a bevy of goodies like THE AMERICAN MALES, THE STEINER BROTHERS, and SGT CRAIG PITTMAN, he’s attacking anything with two legs, sparing only a 13 year old fan named Zach Gowen. Seriously though, Flair isn’t touched, and neither is Booty Man, and this match must continue. Sid? Is Sid here? Anyone??? Tony: “Booty Man is the kind of athlete who could win the World Title”. Dusty doesn’t immediately burst into laughter, so I’m pretty sure this entire episode of Saturday Night is just a massive troll on wrestling fans. Flair delivers what Tony calls “a flat armed back hand chop”, which I have to assume was fed to him by Bischoff. I’m just pleased it echoed through the eaves of the building, I like to think that Flair did it simply out of spite he has to sell for this clown. And speaking of selling, Booty gets the high knee and has Flair pinned for an eternity, but the referee is busy trying to land a date with Woman. Seriously, these refs need to be fired for blatant unprofessionalism. Even a hint of getting a peak at a boob is grounds for a referee to spend a half hour in the corner negotiating the chance at maybe a little cleavage. KEVIN SULLIVAN and JIMMY HART rush in for the DQ at 2:18. Yes, in less than 2 minutes, Booty Man was able to pin the world champion clean as a whistle, and he had to be saved by his out of shape 47-year old friend, and his 105 pound manager. Sullivan piledrives Booty on the floor*, and drapes a Hulkamania shirt over him. SCOTT NORTON and BUFF BAGWELL rush the scene where they stand around and look concerned. They’d make great extras at the scene of a car accident.

Luger seems to be full-fledged face now, and looks terrified. Giant throws Luger around the right for awhile, and when he gets tired of that, he simply stands on him. A press slam results in the referee asking Luger if he wants to give up. Why even bother asking, has anyone ever answered “yeah, I’m done chief, award that man the title”? I mean, sure, it’s probably his job, but by that token, I’d assume it’s NOT his job to ogle women with evil intentions, though if it is, I apologize for being so snarky. Giant stands on Luger some more, for lack of a move set. Terrible backbreaker sets up a butt butt, and Luger has nothing left. Neither does the Giant, who’s sucking serious wind. Avalanche misses, and Luger starts a chain of clotheslines that drops the Giant. Luger calls for The Rack – but Hart’s on the apron. Luger grabs Hart, and the fans EXPLODE!!! He tosses the megaphone to The Giant, but now STING rushes the ring for the DQ at 7:58. Together, they are able to dump The Giant to the outside, and share a hug. The fans are eating this up. And thus ends the Scumbag Luger angle, one of my favorite WCW bits ever. 1/2*

So, with everything we just saw, “MEAN” GENE OKERLUND wants Sting and Luger to explain wassup. Sting says everyone told him not to trust Luger, but he’s proved himself. Sting botches the company line saying it’s where the “Big Dogs Play”.

Senton wins at 0:38, though most of the match is spent with a pre-tape featuring the Nastys.Hah, how is that even possible?? I can't imagine how the mechanics of a tag team match including a double-team finish from the top rope would work in 38 seconds. I mean it must have literally been one move and then the finish, right?

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