Marina for prime minister! That's right, readers: Marina Hyde, the usual reverend of this parish, has thrown her Stephen Jones hat into the political ring and, thus, is far too busy holding babies (and then slathering on the antiseptic spray) and pretending to care about the peasants to have time to look after us, her original supporters. Ain't that always the way with a politician? You build them up in the early days and then, before you know it, they're too busy to tell you their thoughts on Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy's divorce because they're supping champers on the campaign trail with Esther Rantzen and comparing who gets better deals at the Ritz.

Well, fine, Marina. Seeing as you're too busy for us for the next month, we're too busy for you. Scrap that first sentence because this column is going to support the right candidate in this campaign: Alex Reid for prime minister!

Cage fighter, reality TV show-winner and public face of spousal subservience, Reid has added the next and clearly inevitable string to his multitalented bow by informing the weeping-with-gratitude world that he will run for prime minister.

Subtly allying himself with Churchill, Attlee and Macmillan, Reid made his announcement in exactly the same manner as political greats from the past have done: in Heat magazine, while promoting his new TV show about cage fighting. "I'd consider going into politics. Prime minister! I'd like that. I'd do it in 2013 – 13 is my lucky number," says the Reidonator, as he definitely refers to himself.

So far, Reid's manifesto is breathtakingly simple and intriguingly appealing: he is going to teach children to fight each other, and tell people to stop working. "I would change the school curriculum . . . I'd also teach martial arts in schools because it's a brilliant way to bring kids together," he said, wisely perceiving that there is nothing that Britain's youth needs more than a licence to be violent.

And then he turned his learned brain to the economy: "I think people shouldn't work. People should do what they love and then it's not work."

Whether this policy will also include an instruction for people to marry someone with extraordinary wealth that they have accrued through their lifetime devotion to self-publicity – thus cleverly heading off any of the boring problems that might come from one leaving the working world – was not specified. But, you know, mission statements are about big sweeps of the brush, not the pesky, dripping droplets of paint.

Perhaps you are worrying that Alex would not be able to hold his own next to the other candidates. Worry no more. Lost in Showbiz has conducted an undercover investigation to compare the schedules of political candidates Reid, Cameron and Brown (we have omitted Clegg, as a comparison with the mighty Reid would just emphasise his total pointlessness) on a random day to see how their work ethics measure up. Let's say . . . Wednesday 7 April.

Brown

7am: GMTV

9am: Innocent smoothies HQ.

Midday: Prime minister's questions.

2pm: Centre Point building.

Afternoon: "Some interviews" (Let the record show that the Labour press office refused to furnish Lost in Showbiz with specifics beyond "the media").

5pm: People's prime minister's questions (Lost in Showbiz does not know what this is either.)

Cameron

8am: Cycled to work.

Rest of morning: According to the Tory press office, absolutely nothing.

Midday: Prime minister's questions.

Afternoon: Visit to a bakery in Bolton. (That's work, watching some guy make a cake?)

Late afternoon: Cardiff.

Reidonator

7.30am: GMTV.

10am: This Morning.

The rest of the day, back-to-back: Choice FM, Capital News, the Sun, the Mirror, the Star, the People, the News of the World, the Daily Express, Heat, BBC, TV Guide, PA, Radio 1 and, finally, something called Entertainment News.

And if that isn't persuasive enough, perhaps you notice an extraordinary overlap on two of the schedules: Brown and Reid were in the GMTV studio at the same time. Lost in Showbiz has exclusive insider knowledge that the two men did not meet, and for reasons that only confirm Reid as a young political turk. Our source says: "Brown was going round saying hello to absolutely everyone, but Alex was busy in the makeup room." Of course he was. GMTV's in-house makeup team are very thorough. Look at Lorraine Kelly's blusher. "Obviously, Alex has his own makeup team that travels with him." Oh, obviously.

So while old Gordy was running around backstage, desperately grasping the hands of all and sundry, our man was reclining calmly and getting his bronzer touched up by someone on his (wife's) payroll, knowing his moment of glory approached. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Britain, meet your 2013 prime minister.