State flags currently hold the
coveted title of being the very least important thing in my life. Not only is it
totally unnecessary for a state to even have a flag, most of them are so
random and poorly conceived that you wonder why they bother continuing to display
these embarrassing wastes of fabric. If you want to
design a state flag of your very own, give
an eight year-old a pack of markers and tell them to spend twenty minutes
drawing an Indian and an eagle. The ensuing flag will probably make about twice
as much sense as some of the flags shown below (Oklahoma, I'm looking in your
direction!).

Since
I've always been a big supporter of lists, I will now provide a list of the
twenty worst state flags. Please note that the other thirty state flags are also
completely retarded, but I worried that if I showed more than twenty flags
somebody would kill themselves. Let's begin the festivities with this little
charmer from Maine:

20.
Main

This
might have been a pleasant depiction of a moose lazily grazing near a
running stream if the guy to the left wasn’t psychotically caressing the
scythe of Death and scaring the hell out of me. And if you want to mess with
him, first you'll have to go through the dangerous-looking sailor to the
right. The message is clear: Stay the fuck out of Maine.

19.
Delaware

This
is the flag of Delaware, the Forgotten State. I think they made this flag
assuming that nobody would ever really look at it, since nobody lives in
Delaware. Basically, they just pasted a bunch of random clipart images together
and wrote a random date on the bottom. Good one, Delaware. I like the green
jet plane that's about to crash into that cow.

18.
Louisiana

Union,
Justice and … confidence? What? Hey Louisiana, how about Union, Justice and
some fucking sense! I don't know why a stork feeding its children is
represented in this
flag, but it clearly is. Louisiana, you so crazy!

17.
Montana

Montana
indeed! Notice how in this intriguing picture, absolutely nothing is going on.
All you can see are a bunch of large and small trees lined up in retarded
fashion. Nothing makes me not want to ever enter Montana more than this flag.

16.
Washington

I
like the Washington state flag better when it was called the one dollar bill. Not
only is Washington’s rectangular-ass face staring at us exactly like he does in the
dollar, the background
here is even green. I think if you shrank the flag
down and put it in your wallet you could probably use it to purchase a can of
Coke and nobody would notice the difference.

15.
Alabama

This
is the Alabama state flag. Notice how it is nothing but a gigantic X. It’s as
if the flag is saying, “No! Stop that! That’s not allowed!” Well guess
what, Alabama? Fuck you!

14.
Colorado

The
artists of the Colorado state flag were clearly going for the “gas station
logo” angle. I think the idea is they want people who are on their way to the
West coast to stop off and get some gas as they pass through the mountainous
shithole known as Colorado. Maybe this state should spend less time trying
to get people to purchase gas and more time organizing a decent hockey
team.

13.
Michigan

Here we see a bunch of animals
engaged in a staring contest around a symbol of a man getting ready to shoot
them. The word Tuebor is located in the center, which in case you didn’t know
is Latin for “Huh?”

12.
Illinois

Dear God, somebody do
something, the bird is chocking on that banner!

But what's even more
strange is that the
bird is apparently standing on the tombstone of somebody who lived from 1868 to
1818. Notice how that's impossible.

11.
Pennsylvania

The Pennsylvania state flag is
essentially the Michigan state flag, except instead of elk there are horses
putting their feet on some random symbol. I don’t want to know which state
copied which, but I think that if you’re going to plagiarize, at least do it
with something at least slightly non-retarded. I mean, would you sit next to the
dumbest kid in school during a test and copy his answers? Well
Pennsylvania/Michigan would. Could they really not think of their own lame idea?
Like what about an Indian fishing while an eagle is sitting on a pirate ship?
Guess what, Pennsylvania, I just thought of that. It took me about five seconds. Considering you’re an entire fucking state, I think you could spend
at least that long thinking up your own idea.

10.
Florida

This flag boldly proclaims
that it is the “great seal” of the state of Florida, but that might be a
generous description considering how they literally just stole the Alabama flag and drew
an Indian over it. In the background we can see Columbus’ ship coming in;
presumably they are preparing to push the Indian into the water and steal his
land. A great seal indeed, Florida!

9.
Vermont

There
is nothing misleading about this flag: If you go to Vermont, an elk chilling
next to a pine tree is about all you’re going to see. Please note how there
are three random yellow objects lined up toward the left. I think these
symbolize freedom somehow.

8.
California

If
there’s one thing the great republic of California is known for, it’s
grizzly bears, and this flag doesn't hide that well-known tidbit. The red star to
the top left symbolizes the fact that this flag's artist only had seven minutes
to come with an idea and he needed to draw something else besides a
bear.

7.
New York

It’s
another great day for carrying a pole with a hat on it, says the girl on the
left. Not so, says the girl on the right--she’s more interested in stabbing an
eagle with a sword while blindfolded and holding a scale which is weighing absolutely
nothing. Meanwhile, the eagle is just trying to figure out what he's supposed to
be doing in yet another retarded state flag.

6.
Kentucky

Here
we see a pilgrim and an Indian preparing to make out in this highly
controversial state flag. Kentucky's motto is that we should get along with the
Indians--get along real well.

5.
Massachusetts

Hey Indian, look out! Somebody's about to slice your head off with a sword!

Unlike Kentucky, Massachusetts is clearly proud
of its history of killing off all the natives, and they decided to commemorate
all that violence in this sickening state flag. Shame on you, Massachusetts!

4.
Ohio

Refusing
to allow their flag to conform to a normal geometric shape, Ohio stands out as
being particularly retarded. Each of the seventeen stars symbolizes a time in
which a governor of Ohio got his ass kicked for running a lame state. I think
their state motto is: “Ohio: The place you have to drive through to get
somewhere decent.”

3.
West Virginia

Here
we see two frightening pilgrims posing near a tombstone which, as near as
I can tell, has the word “Kids” written on it. I think these two pilgrims
shot and killed their children, and West Virginia made the wise decision to
honor that in their flag. Hey, I got an idea! How about I never go to West Virginia
again, you sick bastards!

2
Oklahoma

A
leafy branch and a rolling pin with a pipe stuck to one end and a brown chain
dangling off the other are both resting on a beige circle that’s covered with
plus signs, feathers and tiger stripes. The symbolism here is obvious: Liberty.
Insane, random liberty.

1.
Virginia

Ah
yes, who could forget Virginia’s legendary Roman history? For those of you who
don’t know, Virginia is the very first state and was settled by the Roman
Empire in 12 B.C. Today Roman history is intrinsically related to the great
state of Virginia, and that’s why this flag makes so much fucking sense.

There
you have it! Virginia has the worst state flag, and--whoops, look at the time!
It's time to head back to eKarjala.