Monday, November 9, 2009

So like, everybody knows war sucks, but its also awesome. I would love to be in the military and go to war... as a sergeant. 'Cause fuck, I'd have a whistle. I could kick more ass with a whistle... and kickin' ass is what the army's all about baby. Jk (does saying that make me gay?), fuck that gay whistle shit. I'd be on the front lines out there in the motha fuckin' jungle massacring the fuck outta shit. Like Rambo... but with a different name and even more kick-ass ass-kicking skills. Like if there were as many Rambos running around shooting at me as there were little mexicans running around shooting at Rambo, I could take them all: "No gung hay phat choy probremo" (That means, "No, problem is too big to tackle," in Chinese). And instead of a pussy-ass bandana around my head like Rambo, I'd wear barbed wire around my head like Jesus. Ain't nothing more American than that. My name would be hard-ass like Fuck You, or Muscles McMuscleson or some shit. My gun would be a triple-machine-gun-stealth-homing-bazooka with pump action. Rapidfire, total beat-ass. And my muscles would burst my shirts to shreds. If anybody told me to do anything, I'd be like, "Fuck you! I'm American!" Yeah people'd be like, "Don't kill those people, they're not Mexicans!" But I don't give a FUCK! This one time, the enemy held me captive for six torturous years but I escaped with this fine-ass bitch and an insatiable thirst for human flesh... foreign human flesh. In one word, I'd be "America."

Thursday, November 5, 2009

There are hella people who have unfortunately been washed away by the sands of time. I am here to highlight their accomplishments so that our society realizes the magnitude of their impact on my life.

Important dood #1: The mother fucker who discovered smoking weed. Lets be real for a minute; how would you know smoking weed gets you high if no one's ever done it before? Did this fool go around smoking all sorts of plants until he smoked weed? What if he smoked poison ivy first? Would he become gay or some weird shit? Granted, marijuana's smell is potent, suggesting that when burned, it would release a strong aroma (and weed does smell like heaven). Point being, this important guy serendipidously stumbled upon the greatest thing in my life aside from masturbation.

Important dood #2: The guy/girl who invented masturbation. When I first learned of this, I found it so enjoyable that my penis maturbated itself. What else is there to say? The only negative effect caused by over-masturbating is good ol' crooked dick. Trust me, no man wants this. Consequences may be severe when exposed during sex with someone(s) else.

Important dood #3: The fool who discovered water. I drink it all the time.

Important dood #$: The inventor of money. I bet this guy/girl has a lot.

Important dood #5: The first pillow user. How the FUCK did people sleep before this? Unless they were shit-faced, they must have been the worst sleepers in the history of sleep. I use four pillows. This guy/girl gets a solid white-guy-thumbs-up. I bet he/she was white.

Important dood #6" Mr. Nobel. This fool gets to have his award given to smart people who do important shit. He must make billions. I don't know how he tricked people into believing that an award with his name on it was so important, but he definitely succeeded. I'm not completely sure what that means, but it's definitely been an inspiration for me.

Important dood "7: The first person to create a bagel (this includes cream cheese, lox, onions). I'll probably get ridiculed by all my Chinese friends for saying this, but bagels are fucking bomb-ass-diggity. On par with home-made cookies?

Important dood #8: The creator of Hollywood. Is there anything more entertaining than watching these glamorous people live their lives? Every time I have self-confidence issues, I pop in an episode of The Hills and realize how I'm really not all that bad of a person after all.

Important dood #9: The inventor of old asian ladies. This person was a mother fucking genius. Fact 1: They always tell mysterious and ambiguous fortunes that always end up coming true one way or another. Fact 2: They always have hot ass daughters. They're always in some small little shop in some small alley located next to prostitutes and drug dealers. For some reason they always have a hot-ass daughter working with them in that shady=ass spot. Fact #3 They are always cleaning up my bottles and cans after I get shit-faced the night before.

Important dood #10: The guy who invented dogs. I love dogs. I wish this person had made it so they didn't piss or shit though. I hate cleaning up after dogs. If my dog didn't shit or piss, it'd probably be the best dog in all the land. I would also make it so he lived as long as me and ate my trash instead of food.

Oh, do I have a mother fucking rant to get off my midnight-black-haired-jewy-chest. There is only one way to articulate the entirety of emotions running through my body on this particular subject, which I will call "intolerence of one's own racial stereotypes." I believe Hitler summarized my feelings most accurately in his widely acclaimed novel, Mein Kampf when he boasted the words "fuckin Jews" (which, since then, have been repeated an estimated 23,094,582,390,485,720,349.5 times, further validating the impact these prolific words have had on our culture as well as proving the cultural awareness that has exponentially spread through our society since the words were uttered). Maybe I'm being harsh, perhaps a little contrite, possibly even slightly bigoted, but whatever, at least I'm not black. My relatives tell me I'm being a "self-afflicting-Jew," a walking hypocrite, kosher shellfish, etc., but I mean, c'mon, any race known for hoarding money and gefilte fish deserves ridicule. Actually, while I'm on the subject, doesn't the stereotypcial Jew kinda seem like a Middle-Earth species? One that lives is the mountain caves, is really hairy, loves bright objects, speaks in some weird dialect and isn't taller than 5'6''? Just something to mull over.

To clarify the source of all this racial intolerance, I will take you on a journey to understand the Jewish psyche. This has been only done a limited amount of times and never to this degree of such unbiased truth. The story starts with a wonderful employment opportunity at the lavish Ristorante Pasta Pomodoro, which immediately filled my insatiable quench for self-satisfaction and unknown adventure (sometimes I'd get a tip, and sometimes I wouldn't! Holy shit!). I had reached my life goal of working at Mcpasta, I mean Pasta Pomodoro at such an early age. My mind was blown with each passing second. Meanwhile, I had been saving up for the "trip of a life time," which would include visits to Southern Europe, Northern Africa and the Middle East (basically traveling around the Mediterranean) and learned that Jews offer free trips to Israel for all Jews (sucks for Jews who already live in Israel!!). Being Jewish and all, I thought, "lucky me," my people have jewed the world once again, consequently allowing me to reap all the rewards of a luxurious trip to the exotic land of Israel. I love it when Jews take advantage of the world and I benefit from their actions. In fact, Jews, made props to you for hookin it up with tight shit like matzah ball soup, decorated yamakas and the control of the media. However; it quickly became very apparent that I had gotten a bit ahead of myself in this quest for cultural (vagina) awareness in the Mediterranean. I was rejected from Israel Birthright. I'm no doctor (or lawyer, or banker and maybe thats why I was rejected), but "Birthright" is in the title of the program. Not that I would want to feel entitled... but I mean, fuck! I'm a Jew. Give me, give me, give me. Their reason for rejection? Limited funds. Sounds Jewy to me.