I've been working on lyrics lately... Critics?

Hi, I'm new here! Not sure if this is the correct sub forum, but it seems so...

For the first time in history, I have wrote myself some lyrics to a song I've made. The melody and chords are all set, but I find it hard to match the melody to the lyrics. Anyways, first off I need some critics for the actual lyrics. Basically my question is, do they make any sense to you? I've wrote those lyrics from a real life scenario, and I'd like to sing this girl a song. A song I've made myself. So, how are the lyrics? Is there anything I should think of? Can you see what I'm trying to convey?

What do I do to make this rightYou're the one who kept me bright

I feel alone without youCan't sleep at nightWondering 'bout the truthThat holds us two

We used to stay up lateTo laugh at our mistakes

Despite the words I told youCaught panic and fearThat you would leave meA giant eye of tear

This ordinary lifeThe one I've never hadLike being used to things I've never doneYou spotted me through this pace

Of anger and disgraceYou threw the words at meStepped away and said I've hadEnough of you and your sick games

[Breakdown]

Sweetie, I'm sorry for everythingThat words can go all wrongI can't believe that you'reStill here for me but I'll try

To find myself this timeThis ordinary lifeTo step up me and prayThat I miss you so, it's in your name

I actually find the line "This ordinary life" a bit weird. I don't really know what to replace it with as of yet. But just so you have that in mind.

Breakup lyrics - did not like. Imo when you write stuff like that you really gotta make the reader feel your misery. I read it and it sounds like "oh hey we dated for awhile and it kinda sucks that you're not around but meh, whatevs"/2cents

How did I not see that section... I must be really blind. Sorry! But thanks for the notice!

Quote by z4twenny

Breakup lyrics - did not like. Imo when you write stuff like that you really gotta make the reader feel your misery. I read it and it sounds like "oh hey we dated for awhile and it kinda sucks that you're not around but meh, whatevs"/2cents

Thanks for the critics. Really appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the lyrics? You seem to understand my message, but you see more flaws than me. Which is what I'm looking for. I need someone else to help me before I get this on video.

Thanks for the critics. Really appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the lyrics? You seem to understand my message, but you see more flaws than me. Which is what I'm looking for. I need someone else to help me before I get this on video.

Make people feel what you feel, do it artistically.

All you're pretty much doing is saying "I'm sad n' crap".

Gotta ask yourself, why would anyone else care?

All I want is for everyone to go to hell......It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself

All of it. Remember than anything that can be said can be said better. You just gotta keep pushing yourself till you reach your limits as a creative force.

Plus it'd be super fuqing cringey to sing that to her.

If you're doing it to try and fix a break up my advice would be... forget it, honestly. She knows your sad and she's knows your gonna be sorry.

She knows all these things, just restating them to her isn't gonna really change anything. Unless you didn't something really dickish, in which case you should of apologised already.

So what am I saying... I guess focus on the song, not that your trying to make a point of saying your sorry or getting back with. You can still do that... but you gotta do it right and not be cliché about it; not everything is made better by putting it to music.

It's gotta be about the muuuusic maaayng.

All I want is for everyone to go to hell......It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself

In the dying light of Sunday's best wishes,Between the golden glow and the way you addressed me,I found a reason to speak.

"There's only so much you can do.Your back is bending from the weight on your shoulders.You've carried this world, dragged your feet in the sand,Held every moment in the palms of your aching hands."We'll sit and we'll talk while the flame slowly smolders."I wish I had been stronger for you."The Sun succumbed to the hem of this aging Earth,You caught my eye, so I stopped and I turned,And watched you fade away.

Carry the light to your graveSo our souls know which path to take.

"You can't save me, let's be honest."

"There is life on the clouds.I await your arrival there someday."

Now I'm pretty sure it's about a girl... but it might not be. But it doesn't matter cuz it's so damn beautiful. You dig? It's artistic, it's pretty, but it still contains the "message" he wanted to bring across.

In the end just saying "Sorry I don't mean it I love you really" is boring. BOOOOORING. So say it, without saying it. I'm not gonna pretend it's easy, but if it was everyone would be doing it.

All I want is for everyone to go to hell......It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself

I wouldn't be too concerned about people understanding it on a read through - at least in one sense. What you want to do is paint a picture and create images in peoples head. Generally if you do a good job of that, the songs message will get across, though it still may have many different meanings to different people around the same themes.

That said, this is a very clear song to me. This is just my personal preference, but in the future look out for ways you can create a moment or go back to a situation or one tiny thing that makes it special for you - and build something out of that. Your song is built from many sort of general phrases that can sort of blend together, all sort of saying the same thing. Your smile, being together, rainbow, you know, I'm not getting huge images here. I don't feel any insight or an experience.

When you mention anything like a rainbow or a smile or something you need significance and context. No lyric will ever be 'bad' or 'cheesy' if it means something special to you because it comes through in the writing - but you have to think of it in a deep analytical way. What did you learn from the experience? Who are you because of her, or who are you not, who were you trying to be, why, why not? Where were you? Any significant places or smells or touches, or anything? Now that's not to say that every song should be everlasting dripping metaphors of locations and senses, but it's just all part of the thinking process. The bigger picture. You may never put those type of images into your song, but it will come through.

Feel free to play around with tenses, half lines, tease lines, paint something strong. Don't put in placeholder lines that more or less go over the same territory. Every line is precious. Every syllable is important. Say what you mean to say but say it in a way that brings out something in you. The more you do this, the tougher on yourself you will be when it comes to writing words, but you will eventually reach a point where you instinctively go for the gems.

Finally, don't be afraid to bring in other experiences into your songs. Even if you're writing a song about a girl, or a breakup, don't feel like every little verse and line should be exactly about her. You can branch out to other things, other experiences, other insights that relate to the girl or the moment, or how you feel. If you can find clever ways to bring it all together, you will have a good song. Be crafty about it.

Keep in mind that using cliches and all that stuff is perfectly acceptable - it's not really about the cliche or general thing itself, it's what its painted around. If you use it as a sort of throw-off into a deeper explaination or as a tag, or a hook or something then it can work pretty well, but when every line sounds real same-y that's when you need to step back a bit.

Sometimes all of this will make your song a painful experience to write, in terms of it really digging up some dirt. But that's good. If you're just sitting around writing in lyrics that sort of go with what you're feeling on a very ritualistic level, the song will have no weight, no real emotion. Sometimes writing a song is real hard work, real painful. Brings up all kinds of images that stay with you for a long time. Then you know you have a good song. Therapy in the arts, man.

All that said, this is just general stuff to think about in the future. Good luck with your songwriting.