(Do you know how many times I have pledged never to write another replay column? I have recurring nightmares about writing replay columns that I cannot finish.)

For most of my adult life, I have been right about replay as an officiating tool, but as I have turned blue in the face – and gray in the head – repeating my arguments, replay savants simply liken me to an old man on his front porch shouting to get the kids off his lawn.

Except I’ve been screaming since I was a young man, and, well, the games are now ruined forever or until climate change cancels them, whichever comes first.

The NFL got the video ball rolling in 1986, and 28 years later, almost everyone else is on board.

The latest dominoes to fall: college basketball, where almost every March Madness game ended with three officials huddled around a replay monitor, and baseball, where the slowest game between two oceans decided to slow itself down a little more.

The replay geeks love to cite several mantras, which Couch Slouch will briefly deconstruct here:

We have to get the call right. Actually, we don’t. So many times off the field we don’t get the call right – bad fashion choices at the Academy Awards, Subway deciding to make a “flatizza,” the confirmation of a Supreme Court justice in 1991 – and life goes on. Plus, even with the improved video technology and added scrutiny, we still don’t get the call right on the field on many occasions.

We’ll only change the call with “conclusive evidence.” Actually, they’ll change the call any damn well time they please. If I had a quarter for every time they overturned a call in which I’ve told myself, “They absolutely positively can’t change this one; it’s impossible to see anything definitively,” I’d be able to feed every parking meter from here to Poughkeepsie from now until Ed Hochuli freezes over.

The replay system is designed to prevent egregious, game-changing bad calls. Actually, they’re looking at the spotting of the ball in the first quarter, tag plays on attempted steals in the fourth inning and whether a shooter’s foot was behind the 3-point line anytime. Frankly, I’m shocked boxing hasn’t gone to replay to check low blows; now, that’s a game-changer.

Here’s a novel concept:

Play the games, make the calls and move on.

This worked really, really well for a really, really long time. These days, the overriding focus at the game is the officiating; if you’re watching the games for the officiating, you’re not watching the games anymore. In addition, the repeated delays interrupt the flow of the action and suck away all the drama and, to put it mildly, it goes against the natural order of things.

With replay, God probably doesn’t create heaven and earth, the sea and all that’s in them in under a week; on the seventh day he wouldn’t have rested, he’d be warding off legal challenges and environmental impact studies about his placement of the Brazilian rainforest.

It’s too late for me, but I want my children’s children to enjoy a replay-free America.