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1.8 NOTES

Reminder: Don’t read the Notes before reading the actual fic chapter.*Please comment only on this and previous chapters to avoid spoiling.

Note to self: It’s a bad habit to continually edit old chapters. With that said, I’ve actually gone through all seven previous chapters and edited some things, so… if you’re slightly inclined and have nothing important to do… feel free… to drop by those again… ^_^; (Boy, no one caught at least one glaring contradiction between 1.7 and 1.1? I’m ashamed of you! And mostly myself! [hangs head sadly] But at least the Mai/Nao conversation in 1.7 should be better if you read it a while back.)

Note to Muse-chan: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Honestly, I don’t know how people would identify themselves over the phone to others.

Nari, you’re risky. I don’t know about you. :| But I have my handy-dandy Newbie Get Out of Jail Free™ card somewhere on my desk… ^_^; Please don’t hate me. Anyway, this is another split chapter; Nari’s chunk was supposed to be the end of 1.7, but then it would feel too long. Besides, I think it works better to begin a chapter about a new character rather than end a chapter like so. But now Reito’s conversation has been pushed into the next chapter. Durr.

Class representative to student body president: From information provided by apollyon-0 and haruka108 (the “Natsuki’s Prelude” from the art books), Shizuru started out as a class rep* and ran for student council president primarily to help Natsuki gain access to the school intranet. It’s implied that Shizuru has been president mainly for her last year in high school, but we’re not sure if she started her term late in her second year.

“-sama” to “-san”: I might be misinterpreting this, but this is how I understand the implied cultural use. When changing someone’s honorific address from something formal to something less formal, it can mean either the addressee wishes to “lower” his/her own perceived status to that near the addresser (more casual, easygoing relationship), or the addressee wishes to have a more personal relationship with the addresser (get to know better). Now, I think this is true more for the use of first/last names, but I think the concept also applies to honorific use…

Sorry; despite how “late” this chapter is (in quotes to stress the idea that subsequent chapters will be on a similar timetable because it’s getting more difficult to write–so don’t be surprised if it takes a month per chapter), it’s not double-length or anything. :P I’m trying to develop things with a light touch, but it’s hard to be subtle for some things with that timeline. (This is definitely one of the weakest chapters, I think, even if I edit.)

34 thoughts on “1.8 NOTES”

Nice work, tho I was under the impression that Shizuru was the class rep rather than class Prez. Nari is very observant, though I’m surprised that she didn’t have any thoughts about Natsuki.
Still no conclusive hints as to who the Three Stooges are either, and I really want to know what’s in that letter.
Can’t wait for 1.9.

Honestly, I don’t know how people would identify themselves over the phone to others.

Well, here’s a slight tip: if you watch Nana the anime, a perky way of answering a call would be “Hihi, Nana-desu~!” It’s something I can imagine Mai doing, say. Nao? It would depend on who’s calling. Natsuki? Everyone would get a standard “Oi” is my guess, slightly fiercer if it’s an unidentified number, and slightly more talkative/communicative if it’s Shizuru on the line.

Honorifics: you’ve got it right. It works both ways, actually. Allow me to offer a few unclever examples using Reito as a guinea pig.

A school student would address him as “Kanzaki-sama”.
A school sponsor (being of ‘senior’ ranking, so to speak) would call him “Kanzaki-san”.
Shizuru, his ‘colleague’, calls him “Reito-san”.
Natsuki and Mai refer to him as “Kanzaki-san”, up until Mai gets close enough to call him “Reito-san”.

The factors relevant to this series would, I wager, be that of 1)ranking, 2)familiarity, and 3)existing/professional relationships. So there you have my 1 yen.

As for writing…I am a humble uncultured bumpkin who has nothing to offer save this little, but very valuable, piece of advice another brilliant author once said: “show, don’t tell.” Make of that what you will.

And yes, given that I’ve been given a little breathing space lately, I do intend to go through Syncope from beginning to end again. ^^

Thanks for the clarifications and tips. :)
Honorifics are complicated, but so necessary (and I’ve actually had to go back and fix them occasionally).

“show, don’t tell.” Make of that what you will.

(What does that mean?! :P) I’m trying, though I really have only a few real “days” to work with, so that makes it awfully tough without more flashbacks or even another one or two omake chapters thrown in. Phooey.

And yes, given that I’ve been given a little breathing space lately, I do intend to go through Syncope from beginning to end again. ^^

Looking forward to it. ^_^ A little nervous, but still looking forward to it. ^_^; Heh.

It’s always worth the wait to read the updates for this story. You put so much thought into the plot and writing the characters that it’s easy to understand why updates may taken longer than normal.

Nari is really an interesting character. I like that you have her walking a very thin line with her obsession towards Shizuru and the opening bit from her perspective was quite refreshing and gave much needed information regarding her mindframe where Shizuru is involved.

I really enjoyed the scene where Shizuru first woke up and observed Natsuki and Mai’s actions. I love the attention to detail there – Shizuru noticing the slight changes in Natsuki and how she reacts to Azami – and of course the teasing to make Natsuki leave with Mai.

Looking forward to Reito and Shizuru’s conversation.

Nothing really seemed out of place or awkward, this was a very solid chapter, :)

It was Nari’s section that took me the longest to write (and held up the rest of the chapter) because I never intended for her to receive such a large, dedicated chunk of narrative text. My original–and sadly scrapped–outline had more frequent but shorter appearances for a more consistent development (at least I thought so), but now she only gets a bunch of large-ish chunks. Had to rewrite the section completely once. Well, at least I think it’s better to write it this way than as a shorter, tacked-on section in 1.7.

Thank you for the critique. ^_^ And thanks for catching that other typo.

(Ah, I didn’t mention it in the notes… but Reito/Shizuru conversation may take a long time to write. Whoooaah. ^^;;)

I truely enjoy this chapter to the fullest, considering that I was awake around 1 o’clock in the morning, lurking to see if you updated or not here in the west coast.

Strangely enough, I never really paid any attention towards the new characters figuring that I can always figure it out sooner or later. But as I was intrigued with the appearance of Azami, I simply thought how familiar that name was. Being curious that I am, I looked back at the previous chapters, reading word by word, hanging to every single detail until it just snapped into my mind. And I felt completely stupid afterwards, believe me.

I’m waiting for the day or chapter that the confrontation between the three characters, Kosei, Yukio, and Azami, would take place since I’m curious as to what they have in mind with Shizuru. Of course, I have a vague idea as to what, but I just want to see how it would progress along throughout the story.

Well, I was going to write it so that the new characters could be ignored until Part 2, but then I realized there would be no point in introducing them this early… Yeah, I’m not sure if I’m handling them right, but that can’t be helped. :P Still need to post that graphical biography for them, but I’m having a hard time finding reference pictures and can’t draw.

I found your fic at the shoujoai forum and I’ve been following it some time now. Just wanted to drop by and tell you I can’t wait for the next chapter! So please hurry up, I love that sweet natsuki of yours ^^

Darn it, I might actually end up liking Nari. As much as I don’t want to… You almost make me feel sorry for her.
You’ve built up the mystery surrounding those three watchers very well. I can’t wait for more with them.
As for the honorific, I’ve always thought it was used that way, so you should be right.

Troublesome Nari. ^_^;
Hopefully all the new characters will pan out… I figure if I fail with them, at least presenting the original cast realistically in-character will save me from a more serious lynching. XD LOL

cloud-gray eyes too light with too great a contrast around the black pupils

Honestly, fiend. Isn’t “black pupils” painfully redundant? Or do you want to be reminded of panty hose again, with “tautology”?

Ah, so flawed and average.

The “ah” just doesn’t work here. I think it’d work so much better without it, and if you left it as “So flawed and average.“

And I still don’t really know which direction you’re taking this– you should tell me what you’re planning to do to the Nari flashback so I won’t repeat the same inconsistencies over and over again, when you will (hopefully) fix it with some changes to the flashback. With Her lips were a bit too thin, fingers a bit too thick, and feet a bit too large, it is obviously a sign of low self-esteem, or at least, having a low opinion of oneself. Now, there is often an element of inferiority and superiority as far as fangirls and their objects of desire go, but it just doesn’t run so smoothly at the present moment– or maybe it’s just because you confused me, you fiend. -___-

then deftly removed and capturing everyone’s consciousness with a few, splendidly accented words

Eh, I don’t know if I’m reading it wrong, but since “splendidly” is modifying “accented”, then the comma after “few” is not needed, yes? I might be reading it the other way around as usual, though.

Oh, Nari was fully aware of Shizuru’s glances around the girl’s locker room

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH. *grins* I simply cannot believe you of all people would fall prey to this mistake. This is just too rich.

Her pinky tapped lightly against her own face as she recalled feeling the girl’s pulse under her finger.

Okay, I know you’re trying to prevent repetition and whatnot, but to have Nari call or “refer” to Shizuru in her mind as “the girl” is ehhhhhhh. Anyway, it’d work okay if you replaced “the girl” with “Shizuru” in this sentence.

And I’m glad you made Nari doubt her own suspicions regarding Shizuru’s sexual orientation, since it would be kind of crummy if Nari was all “YES, KAICHOU-SAMA, YOU’RE GAY LIKE ME!” and stuff.

It was not an earth-shattering realization, Nari decided, whenever her consciousness registered her own sexuality.

Eh? Do you mean that Nari’s consciousness registers her own sexuality periodically? Don’t quite get what you mean here. Unless you’re sort of talking about how she doesn’t consciously think of herself as blah blah blah and she’s “reminded” of it when she feels that way, like when she’s attracted to someone or something like that. But then, she’s only ever attracted to kaichou-sama.

Nari had decided upon enrolling to the Fuuka academy to simply follow her same routine and shun both boys and girls, concentrating on her hobbies

Haha, I don’t want you to waste an omake on Nari, buuuut I’m kind of wondering what her hobbies are. I’m wondering if you’re going to expand on that or if you’ve not thought it out and just wrote it down as another detail or what… and obviously, Nari’s hobbies are of a more “solitary” nature.

No, Nari had not counted on her father permanently settling in this particular city.

*grins* This sentence sounds perfectly alright– great, in fact– but I’m just grinning because I get the feeling you worded the sentence in this particular way since you have no “fecking” idea which city it is! XD!!

Above all, she had not counted on Fujino Shizuru worming her existence every which way through the crevices of her wakefulness and installing herself firmly under her skin, provoking her deepest wants and needs at the most inopportune times.

*clapclap* This sentence is awesome. However, the last part kind of does it in. -__- I actually don’t really know what you’re referring to with “the most inopportune times”. I think the sentence would be so much better if you cut it off after “needs”.

Nari commented more for her own benefit that Yukino’s; the idea of being able to catch a glimpse of the girl with just a petty errand was still too good to refuse.

XD!! Hello, “I-love-my-Ts-more-than-my-Ns”.
(This one was a sneaky one, though. “That” is right at the end of the line and it’s harder to catch mistakes there.)
And please refer to the comment regarding “the girl” I mentioned previously.

And oh, before I forget– I sort of skimmed over 1.1 and I want to comment that it sounds completely “different” in tone and in a variety of ways in comparison to the rest of “Syncope”. That’s not too surprising though, since it takes a while before you can really get into a work and get the tone right. I didn’t point them out earlier on because there was nothing wrong with it on a technical viewpoint. I’d like to go over your chapters again, if only briefly, after you make the various changes, and perhaps point out the odder bits.

Nari’s heart pounded in her ears, for to be this close to her idol in private was a rare thing indeed.

*poke* This is worse than Nao using “indeed”. I could somehow FORCE myself to make Nao use “indeed” in a Nao-like way, but this one… o.o
Doesn’t it sound cacophonous to your ears? How the “indeed” clashes so badly with the fangirly part of Nari? How it doesn’t fit the occasion at all? Nari’s supposed to longing for Shizuru. She’s not sitting all prim and proper with a monocle on and sipping tea daintily.

As the student president sat down, the small space of air her coat displaced flit by Nari’s face; she secretly inhaled Shizuru’s scent.

Personal preference again. I’d opt for the period over the semicolon in this case. It’s more “this” then “that” and not “this; that”, if you know what I mean. I think it stands better by itself.

*frowns a bit*
And you know, if I remember correctly, Shizuru isn’t that tall at all. But you emphasis on Nari’s height and you also mentioned that she’s about the same height as Shizuru, so…

And you know, I just wanted to comment that you do Shizuru’s dialogue very well. However, it seems like you’re focusing soley on Shizuru’s “onee-sama” traits, and not so much on her more… shall we say, “mischievous” side? Of course, Shizuru would only show that to Natsuki, and I really didn’t think her “tricking” Natsuki into study counts much as being “mischievous”. The problem, I think, is how Sunrise makes Shizuru fluctuate a lot and it doesn’t really… account for everything she does. *sighs* Oh well. It’s up to us to pick up after them, isn’t it, with fanfiction? ;)

“Yes, well,” Natsuki coughed irritably into her fist, “be that as it may, now that Shizuru is awake, I can do all right by myself. Maybe I shouldn’t go to lunch with you today, Mai…”

*raises hand dumbly* Why is Natsuki saying something like “be that as it may”? o_O If you cut that part, the sentence works perfectly fine PLUS it’s a lot better as far as being “in character” goes.

Okay, I’m really not sure with this. But I think you shouldn’t be using the “had”.

Her own green-tinged hazel eyes then drifted to the table’s corner, noting the stack of mail and, in particular, the light blue corner of an envelope peeking from the paper pile

Why must you stress on the fact that it’s a “paper” pile? Does mail come in plastic nowadays?

And I don’t really get it… Azami took Shizuru’s hospital gown off, and you only get Azami to pull the sheet to cover Shizuru’s body afterwards? o_O

The green eye briefly closed as she released a sigh against the door.

Okay, so you’re going for the look-from-inside-the-hospital-room-outward perspective, but that just sounds… weird.

At this, Natsuki scoffed, tugged on Shizuru until she rolled back to face her, scraped her chair around, scooted it forward, and set it down with a firm clunk. Crossing her legs, she made every effort to show that she had no intention of wasting time on the futile exercise.

Will you please specify how Natsuki’s crossing her legs? Because different people will think of different things, no? And it just confuses the reader if you don’t specify which type of leg-crossing you mean.

“I believe a couple major meetings have already occurred.”

Groaning, Natsuki rubbed her head with one hand. “Okay, I’ll go to the apartment to clean up and… stuff. I’ll be back in a couple hours, okay?”

Do you hate “of” that much? You’re confusing me so badly when I try to say the things with and then without the “of”. I’ve reached the conclusion that the first one’s fine, but the second one is a bit iffy. BUT don’t hold me to that since you’ve confused me utterly by this point. It’s like one of those things where you KNOW it but when someone suddenly asks you about the difference between two ridiculously similar things, your mind runs blank. (This is just my excuse, of course. ^^;)

…
Heh. Heh. Heh.
Almost ten thousand characters. -____-
Granted, some of it is just the stuff I copied from “Syncope” to show you where it is, but then, it still counts, no? This means I’ll have to divide up my post into three sections… again.
I’m just wasting about a hundred or so character spaces now so that I break the ten thousand barrier. :)

Argh, do I have any really embarrassing typos around? I keep realising I type in the wrong thing, sometimes. -___- Take “barrier” for example. I don’t know what I was doing– I wrote “barriar”.

> or maybe it’s just because you confused me, you fiend. -___-
Not particularly caring at the moment. ^_^

>> then deftly removed and capturing everyone’s consciousness with a few, splendidly accented words
> Eh, I don’t know if I’m reading it wrong, but since “splendidly” is modifying “accented”, then the comma after “few” is not needed, yes? I might be reading it the other way around as usual, though.

“Splendidly accented” is supposed to be a compound nonhyphenated adjective (nonhyphenated with the -ly, but I’m not sure which rule set I’m quoting) modifying “words,” so “few” should get a comma.

> And oh, when you mentioned “kanban book bag”, do you mean something like this?

No, I mean “kaban” just the way I spelled it, like this. Kaban is actually a generic term for bag, but it’s often associated with school (at least overseas in the anime context).

> Shizuru isn’t that tall at all. But you emphasis on Nari’s height and you also mentioned that she’s about the same height as Shizuru, so…

Actually, while I was writing the earlier chapters, I found out that Shizuru is really only supposed to be two centimeters or so taller than Natsuki (but everything else I read and even some official images I saw made her seem taller than that). I don’t remember how tall I was imagining Nari.

> Azami took Shizuru’s hospital gown off, and you only get Azami to pull the sheet to cover Shizuru’s body afterwards? o_O

Heh. Discontinuity.

> “a couple (of)”

Usage note (dictionary.com): The phrase “a couple of” has been in standard use for centuries, especially with measurements of time and distance and in referring to amounts of money: They walked a couple of miles in silence. Repairs will probably cost a couple of hundred dollars. The phrase is used in all but the most formal speech and writing. The shortened phrase “a couple,” without “of” (The gas station is a couple miles from here), is an Americanism of recent development that occurs chiefly in informal speech or representations of speech. Without a following noun, the phrase is highly informal: Jack shouldn’t drive. I think he’s had a couple. (Here the noun drinks is omitted.)In referring to two people, couple, like many collective nouns, may take either a singular or a plural verb. Most commonly, it is construed as a plural: The couple were traveling to Texas. See also collective noun.

Yes, so it’s more like a preface of sorts, kind of like how The Hobbit differs from the rest of The Lord of the Rings. (Not that I’m comparing this crep to that, of course.)

Aha, aha, aha… As far as I’m concerned, it’s more like “Not that I’m comparing this to that crep, of course”. I absolutely hate Tolkien’s stuff. I’m not just being stubborn about it either, because I did read The Hobbit. You could love these books for all I know, but… they’re still icky. >_<

“Splendidly accented” is supposed to be a compound nonhyphenated adjective (nonhyphenated with the -ly, but I’m not sure which rule set I’m quoting) modifying “words,” so “few” should get a comma.

Ehhh? Well, that’s what I’m saying– we’re treating “splendidly accented” as one adjective, and “a few” just… well, say you have “a few beautiful flowers”. You wouldn’t say “a few, beautiful flowers”, would you? And yeah, I may have worded it incorrectly with “modified”, but what I meant was basically what you said with it being a compound nonhyphenated adjective. -__-

No, I mean “kaban” just the way I spelled it, like this. Kaban is actually a generic term for bag, but it’s often associated with school (at least overseas in the anime context).

Heh heh heh. It’s not that I doubted your spelling; rather, it’s because I stuck in an extra N. >_< Don't ask me why, and don't ask me how-- because I have no idea why I did that.

Actually, while I was writing the earlier chapters, I found out that Shizuru is really only supposed to be two centimeters or so taller than Natsuki (but everything else I read and even some official images I saw made her seem taller than that). I don’t remember how tall I was imagining Nari.

Yeah, I was all o_O when I saw the information compiled on the various HiME(s). (Should it be treated like a typical loanword or more like an “English” word? We usually leave it as is even for the plural, if it’s a Japanese loanword.) And I suppose your Nari was at least tall-ish since you mentioned this particular bit at least twice. I’m thinking around 5’7″, at least? Asians are generally on the shorter side, if I’m correct…

> Azami took Shizuru’s hospital gown off, and you only get Azami to pull the sheet to cover Shizuru’s body afterwards? o_O

> different in tone
Yes, about this again. I mean that some things just sound completely different. It isn’t any discernable quality– well, it is, but… gah. It’s difficult to explain. I’ll see if I can point it out afterwards. -___-

I realise now that I only have two more instalments to review before I catch up to you. =P

> Well, that’s what I’m saying– we’re treating “splendidly accented” as one adjective, and “a few” just… well, say you have “a few beautiful flowers”. You wouldn’t say “a few, beautiful flowers”, would you? And yeah, I may have worded it incorrectly with “modified”, but what I meant was basically what you said with it being a compound nonhyphenated adjective.

Hm, I think I know what you mean now. It’s confusing, but I could get a friend to clarify; probably no comma, now that I think about it. It’d be easier with a hyphen, anyway. (Whoever said -ly mustn’t be hyphenated… Die!)

Oh, and the Tolkien stuff was okay. Literarywise, I thought he rambled way too much. In terms of creativity, well… I suppose fantasy wouldn’t be anywhere near mainstream if it were not for him, quite possibly.

Oh, I actually prefer it without the hyphens with the -ly words. I mean, “splendidly-accented”? o_o

Or, what if I said, “You’re such a fiendishly-dolty klutz.”?

It just looks… weird. (Speaking of weird, ‘.”?’ looks weird too. How am I suppose to punctuate this? I get confused with these things… I could just reword it, of course, but I still want to know.)

And oh, now I remember what it was that I asked you but you didn’t answer– what happened to your most recent post?

You know, I can barely remember The Hobbit. I remember a lot of hoopla over a dinky ring, and that hunchbacked (?) thing that keeps saying “my precious” in a hiss and poses riddles and whatnot. And the red dragon. I know how to pronounce their names, but I’m not sure if the spelling is correct, so I won’t type it out. ^^;

If a post is irrelevant (random, fixed by research, etc.) or its comments worthless, I’ll either lock it (make private) or delete the entire entry. I’ve been doing this sort of minor cleaning for a while.

Did I mention how I love the colours and the layout now? </rhetorical>

It just suddenly occurred to me how the colours complement each other so wondrously. See, this makes me glad that I complained. :D

On a completely different note, I think I’m going to die. x_x I’ve started two or three completed anime thingiemabobbers so I’ll probably be watching them nonstop whenever I get the chance. (My poor eyes…)

You don’t want me to ask Shizuru to unleash her ikezu powers now, do you?

I THINK NOT.

Humph, I did not give the wrong colour codes. They looked perfectly alright when they were confined into those rectangular boxes. Thistle actually looked kind of ugly in the box, but who knew it’d turn out so nicely, eh? EH?