I remember a kinder, gentler, and obviously
much more naïve time of my life where I constantly plagued myself with
simple and modest concerns. For the most part, before puberty kicked into
overdrive and my thoughts preoccupied other more pressing and sensitive
matters, the only terrible dilemma that I suffered through on any given
weekday night was whether to watch THE DUKES OF HAZZARD or KNIGHT RIDER on
TV. As my vague memory would have it, it was a tricky and morally
convoluted decision to make, but there was just something that always
appealed to me about those pesky Duke boys. Aw heck, their backwoods
shenanigans always appealed to the child in me and for that, I loved the
show. I was eight then.

I can claim that I have seen every single
episode of the original TV series. I guess, as a 30-year-old self-aware
adult, that is a boast that carries a certain level of dubious distinction.
What did this show offer to me that forced me to sit in the confines of my
living room every week and rob me of precious time outside to play with
other children? I dunno. Was it the sight of Daisy Duke in her low
cut shorts? Nope. I was too young to find that sort of thing
alluring, but I sure did like that 1969 Dodge Charger that those Georgia
boys drove around in and recklessly eluded the law at all times.

Boy, did I love that car. It was a
fiery, orange-red with the now infamous 01 painted on the side
doors, which were welded shut and caused thousands of children like myself,
I am assuming, to jump into their parents car through the window just like
Bo and Luke Duke. Hell, as a kid I even liked that cool emblem on the top of the car
and always thought it was such a cool logo. Then, of course, as I got older
and got my B.A. in US history, I learned what the Confederate Flag
symbolized and I wizened up a tad.

At the age of eight, the Duke boys of Hazzard
were heroes, albeit law breaking and rebellious, of mine that I
worshiped. The show was fun and entertaining and I loved it. As a thirty
year old looking back at some of those shows in rerun form, THE DUKES OF HAZAARD just may be one of the most
politically incorrect TV shows for a
young child to witness. After all, it was about red-necked
hillbillies that spat on and disrespected the law, made and sold moonshine,
and drove a car that bore a flag that has come to embody hate and bigotry.

Okay, mini-history lessen here, dear
readers. The Confederate battle flag, called the “Southern Cross” or the
cross of St. Andrew, has been seen by many as a proud emblem of Southern
heritage. Unfortunately, it is also condemned as a shameful reminder of
black slavery in America and segregation. There is no doubting that the
flag is a valid symbol of the Confederate States of America, which
segregated from the rest of the US and then spawned the US Civil War. Yes,
it was flag of those states. The issue with it now is that it’s a hateful
and reprehensible reminder of one society’s support of oppressing black
people and upholding the institution of slavery. The Ku Klux Klan appropriated
the flag as their symbol during the reconstruction period after the Civil
War and other racist hate groups continue to do so in the present day. It
is believed that over 500 extremist groups in the US use the flag as their
symbol today.

Gosh! In retrospect, how could I have
revered the Duke boys as heroes when they drove around in a car that carried
a symbol that represents such deep and penetrating hate and bigotry? Okay
the Duke boys were sort of a silly, innocuous, and innocent breed of country
bumpkin, but c’mon, their extreme naivety and youthful charm and
vigour does not excuse the fact that they paraded around in the “hate
mobile” while disrespecting the law. Am I nuts, or would a super hero with
a Confederate flag for his symbol on his/her chest also not be appropriate?
Revisionist ideology aside, THE DUKES OF HAZZARD can now been seen in a much
different prerogative.

All right…what’s going on here? I’m I
thinking far too analytically about an asinine little TV show that populated
the TV waves 25 years ago and thrilled many children? Most likely.
Yet, this begs the rather pointed question: why in the world would anyone
want to make a big-budget film adaptation of this TV show? If anything,
this new DUKES OF HAZZARD, directed by Broken Lizard’s leader Jay
Chandrasekhar, further reveals that Hollywood studios are never too low to
allow themselves to sink to levels so intellectually bankrupt for ideas for
possible hit films.

This DUKES film is all concept and very
little else, Yeah, it's got the look down pat, and that ’69 Dodge charger
still looks so damn cool in my eyes, but there is nothing buried
underneath. This is a dreadful waste of time and a laboriously dull comedy
void of genuine and consistent laughs. Maybe more than anything, this film
update can’t ever decide if it’s mocking and making fun of the TV show,
saluting it, or both. This film is clueless and celebrates complete and
utter pointlessness with such mind-numbing conviction.

There are a few things I really loved
about this film. First, that ’69 Dodge Charger. Even with that
nasty little symbol on the top of its hood, seeing it on the big screen
still makes it hard not to be taken back to another time of my life where my
favourite toy car was the General Lee (despite its obvious negative
socio-political overtones its hood logo now has). Second, the film has Burt Reynolds’s in the
Boss Hogg role made somewhat immortal by Sorrell Brook. Reynolds’s has fun
with his role and does what he can with it. And lastly there is Jessica
Simpson as Daisy Duke, the character also made famous by Catherine Bach.
Every time the General Lee and Daisy appeared my eyes were glued to the
screen, especially at the latter site. Okay, Daisy is not a suped up V8
muscle car with a Hemi-engine that purrs loudly and screams down the
street…but I will never complain about ogling at her assets off and
on for 90 minutes. For what it’s worth, THE DUKES OF HAZZARD is a glorious
piece of eye candy.

The film, despite Daisy’s and the General
Lee’s noteworthy attributes, is a horrendous mess. Now, I have been generally
lukewarm to the idea of TV shows being remade into films. Some, like 2004’s
STARSKY AND HUTCH, knew that the best
way to remake a classic TV show from the past was to take it in a different
direction all together. In their case, they remade a once gritty and action
packed police show from the 70’s into an all-out comedy that had
indisputable laughs. STARSKY AND HUTCH had no pretensions of what it wanted
to be. DUKES, by comparison, tries to be both completely slavish to its
source material and fresh at the same time, but the only things that are
really fresh are the actors in the roles, the production budget, the scope
and scale of the car chases, and its running time. But make no mistake
about it - this new film is as backwards as the old TV show.

I think it was Francois Truffaut that once
said that the best way to criticize a film is to make another one. Fine.
If I were to make a DUKES film, why not make it a somewhat subversive satire
set in our modern, insanely political correct times? For example, there is
one scene in the film that is quite funny and it involves Bo (Seann William
Scott) and Luke (Johnny Knoxville) driving into the big city while they are
stuck on an expressway. All other big city drivers who drive by scold and
condemn them for their insensitive vehicle emblem. The Duke boys, who are
in a perpetual “aw, shucks” state, have no clue why the symbol is offensive…really.

That scene worked, but the film needed
more scenes like that. Watching this whole witless enterprise I grew
dizzy just thinking about the type of nail-biting parody this film could
have been – a story about immature simpletons that get taken away from
the cozy lifestyles of bootlegging and living in the country and instead
have to face an urban lifestyle that is both intellectually and morally ahead
of them. The DUKES TV show is woefully outdated by today’s standards, so
why not contemporize the show with some spirited and satiric laughs that
scoff at and ridicule the show’s undemanding simple-mindedness? Beats me
why they didn’t.

The plot is basically a stale and overtly
routine one that actually inspired boredom when Daisy was not on screen in a
bikini. The Duke boys and Daisy secretly make moonshine for their Uncle
Jesse (played by Willie Nelson, who garners a few laughs) and constantly try
to escape apprehension from “the meanest man in Hazzard County", Boss Hogg
(Reynolds). The plot meanders from one meaningless episode to the next
until, through a series of incidents I almost forgot about, Hogg hatches a
plan to kidnap Uncle Jesse and covert the entire county of Hazzard to a
lucrative and expensive strip mine, which would ultimately cause the Dukes
to lose their farm and “family business”. Okay, I am not for a town of
good-natured people losing their lives and homes, but is it really a bad
thing that the Dukes will no longer be able to make moonshine and contribute
to the alcoholism of hundreds of townsfolk? Well, from there the story even
manages to end up with a climatic NASCAR race with the General Lee and if
you can’t figure out what happens in the end then, sorry to say this so
bluntly, you’re a fool.

This film is trying to be a comedy, but its
approach to its laughs are so childish and moronic that only a kid could
appreciate them. In the packed theatre I attended there was not one laugh
to be heard from the audience for the first 40 minutes, which is never a
good sign. Yes, there were some collective male gasps when Daisy strips
down or bends over to reveal her ample, immensely impressive and visually
satisfying cleavage, but alas laughs are null and void. By the time the
film reaches its halfway point I did laugh loud a couple of times. I liked
a character played by Broken Lizard member Kevin Hefferman, who is a safe
cracker who loves plastic explosives and feels the need to wear and
armadillo shell on his head so that the CIA or FBI can’t read his mind. A
few more Lizard alumni make special cameo appearances that inspire some
giggles.

Maybe the biggest problem with this film is
that it really is a comic letdown. Jay Chandrasekhar and the other members
of Broken Lizard made one of the funniest films of the last five
years in SUPER TROOPERS. They displayed, in that film, their unique and
clear-cut comic talents. Unfortunately, their follow-up film was the
dreadful CLUB DREAD, a film also directed by
Chandrasekhar that I proudly put on my list of the worst films of 2004.
Now he has further tainted his resume with DUKES. Watching SUPER TROOPERS I
just know that Chandrasekhar is smarter and better than the material he is
working with in DUKES, which allows me to speculate as to why he agreed to
make the film in the first place.

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD is not an offensively
bad film as it is a remarkably tedious, lifeless, uninspired, and inevitably
redundant film. The film is one long series of cobbled together rowdy
antics that is held together by an equally flimsy and boring story. Yes,
director Chandrasekhar pays a fanatical amount of respect to the iconography
of the classic TV show, but he seems so hypnotized by them that he forgot to
make a funny and involving film around them. DUKES is a cheap form of
nostalgia that panders down to its audience and puts in overtime to make us
all feel as stupid as possible.

Trust me, this film about those good ol’
boys is just dreadful ‘n dumb.