A DAY IN HER DIARY

He was the best mistake I have ever made. He definitely changed my life. Before and after. After we broke up. Why did we you ask? He let another woman into the picture. Our picture. It was a battle I didn’t wanna fight. Maybe he wanted me to stay around and fight for him, convince him that he should choose me, but I didn’t. That’s not me. To me that was not an obstacle, that’s a deal-breaker. He lost me the moment he let another person into the picture- temporary or not. I left. If he had doubts about me- about us, if ‘he didn’t know what he wanted anymore’, I was gonna make it easy for him. And I did. Something I have never thought twice about. Nevertheless, despite him being a douche at the end, I don’t regret having been with him. My best mistake.

Walcott and I met at the school debate club. The first year went by without us talking much. The second year I left the club, which reduced it to a ‘Hi’ when we occasionally met around the school compound. It was during the third year that it all happened. The beginning and the end of Us. It all started that night. We bumped into each other and ended up catching up. He was fun to talk to. We talked till midnight, and then he walked me back to my place. And even though he asked for my number (finally!), I didn’t think much about it, or about him. It never crossed my mind at all that we would be anything more. I knew his kind of character. The type you know they are trouble when they walk in.
However, this time it felt different. He looked different. He felt different. He was more mature. More interesting. Less reckless and more real. That was what I thought after a few weeks of us talking. To my surprise, we became friends. Awesome friends. We used to hang out a lot. He used to visit me, and I used to visit him. He could read me like nobody else could. He could see into my thoughts and had a way of making me open up to him like no one else in my life. He was suddenly the person who was always there for me. The guy-friend i never had. The best guy friend any girl could wish for. People say I’m complicated, multifarious, a tad bit intimidating and hard to reveal. But to him I was an open book. To him, nothing I could conceal.

I liked it, I started enjoying it. For once in my life I could tell somebody everything that went inside my mind, and they wouldn’t think it peculiar. We were weird together. I was ever myself around me. I liked the world we created. He understood me, I understood him. It was fun, comforting and magical. But still, I didn’t want anything more. I didn’t want us to spoil what we had. I was okay with how we were, cause I believed that was the only way we could forever be in each other’s lives, like we had promised.

But nature had other plans for us. Fate had its way and we started having feelings for each other. I wouldn’t have admitted it in a thousand years if he hadn’t first. I think it was that moment when I realized I couldn’t imagine anybody else treating me like he did. I couldn’t imagine creating what we had with anyone else. For a moment he was the best thing that ever happened to me. God sent. We would talk everyday, text endlessly, stay up late listening to our favourite music or just talking and arguing about one thing or another. We were always there for each other. We knew each other’s every move. We made our own rules, had inside jokes and secret looks. And not even once did I get bored with him. He made me feel complete, and the rest of the world couldn’t change a thing.

We started talking about our future. We started saying ‘I love you’s. That’s when I completely let go of my defenses, and broke down all the walls I had built around me. I started seeing a future with him and it all made sense.

But as they say, all good things come to an end. I thought my life would be empty without him, but I was wrong. Breaking up with him made me find myself. I spent time with myself and took back all the things I had given up. He taught me a lot. Sometimes I find myself quoting him. But I stopped hating him. I don’t like him, I just don’t hate him. I took control of my emotions and vitality. It hurt at first but it doesn’t anymore. I look back at what we had, and smile. They were some good times we had. Great moments and happy memories.

Would I go back to him? My friends keep asking. What if he came back and wanted me back, I thought to myself. Would I take him back? I mean it has happened before. Nonetheless after days of pondering over it, I know for sure that I will never go back to him. We are never ever getting back together. Despite having had some of the best moments in my life with him, I would not allow myself feel for him like I did again. If I let myself really feel what I felt for him before, I would dissolve into a million pieces never to be put back again. He cut me deep. Broke my heart. I don’t think I could handle feeling that pain again. Now that I have myself back, I wanna keep it. I wanna keep the freedom, the power I possess, the greatness I feel and the moments I experience. I am whole and complete on my own. And it is thanks to him that I allowed myself become who I am right now. My conscious is clear and my mind stronger.

I still love life and I haven’t given up on love. Only thing is, he has raised the bar a bit higher. No, I am not going to be comparing other boys with him; but once you experience it, anything less isn’t good enough. But hey, I’m in no hurry. I now know how to have fun without him. And it’s so much Fun! A lot of things and people making me happy. The future can only get better.. 🙂