Yesterday at work, I was proudly reflecting on the fact that even though we had quite a few bumps and hurdles and times when I didn’t think they would make it through the week but they did it! My two addicts had managed their way through one full week of recovery! They even survived an entire week with no internet or cell phones! I had decided to sit down and write about the first week, but then my son called me over and had a conversation with me last night that changed what I would write about today. This is how our conversation went:

My son asked “Mom, have I told you that I love you today?” I said “no.” He said “well, I love you!” And I said “I love you too!” Then he asked, “Mom, have I told you that you are beautiful today?” And I said “no.” He said “well, you are beautiful!” Then he asked, “Mom, have I told you that I think you have pretty hair lately?” Then I started laughing and said “okay, get to the point, what are you wanting?” He said “nothing, but have I told you that your hair is pretty, because it is!” And then he continued on. He said “And guess what else Mom? Just guess!” I said “I have no idea son, go ahead and tell me.” He said “I’ve been clean for 9 days today! Aren’t you proud of me? I mean we have been clean for 9 days! Aren’t you proud of us?” I said “yes, I’m extremely proud of you and I’m even more proud of you that you are counting the days this time instead of me!” Then we had a big hug and went back to our normal nightly routine.

That was such an eye opening conversation for me last night!!! If you’ve read my earlier posts, you know that I’ve been the one counting the days of his sobriety or the days that he has been “clean”, not him. This is HUGE in my eyes. Because before, he has not recognized that he had a problem so he wouldn’t count the days he had been clean. This time, he is counting!!!! I am beside myself with pride!!!!! Yes, he has made it longer than 9 days before, but he has never COUNTED those days before!! He’s never cared how long he was clean before. He just always looked forward to his next high and when it would come along and how he would get to it.

I can see small changes in him every day that make me proud. There are many more that I want to see, but I keep reminding my self that this takes baby steps and I try not to push him. Today is day 10. Today could lead to day 11 or today could be the the last day he’s clean……I never know. But I like to keep the glass half full kind of attitude!

My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old and I’m the mother of a recovering meth addict. ❤

I was recently asked the question by a family member, “why do you put so much of our personal stuff on the internet for everyone to see? It’s embarrassing!”

I replied:

I don’t feel like what I put on the internet is embarrassing to anyone in our family including my son and I am not ashamed of what I write about. I feel like sharing the story of my life and the battles that my son deals with is a way of reaching out to others that may be dealing with the same battles. If only one person reads something that I’ve written and finds some kind of help or comfort in my writing, then what I have done has purpose. I don’t write or share this information to belittle my son, to ask for sympathy or any reason or than to reach out to those others that I know are battling the same or similar demons that we are dealing with.

And as for my family, if you are embarrassed or ashamed by what I write, I ask you this……..if my son had terminal cancer and I wanted to write about his journey, would you be embarrassed or ashamed of what I wrote? Would you be upset with me for sharing that story? I dare say you would not. And if that is the case, then why be embarrassed or ashamed by what I write about now? Addiction is a DISEASE that affects more people in this world that you realize. It affects your neighbors, it affects the family sitting next to you at the restaurant, it affects the family sitting next to you at church, it affects your co-workers, your friends, your extended family. And you know what…..you don’t even know it. That is the sad part. Everyone feels the need to hide it.

Maybe if everyone would quit hiding their addiction problems, people would be more open to seeking help for their issues. And it doesn’t have to be drug addiction. It could be co-dependency. It could be pornography. It could be alcohol. It could be lying. It could be drugs. It could be any number of things that people get addicted to and allow to destroy their lives and their families.

My point here is this…….stop hiding. Stop being embarrassed by the issues and face them head on. Man up or woman up and face what is going on in your life and ask someone for help if you need it. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone and don’t be afraid to tell someone what is going on. You can’t always handle every battle on your own. Sometimes you need a friend to walk you down the isle to grab that first blue chip, or sometimes you just need someone to explain what walking down that isle to get the blue chip is all about. Either way………there is help out there. There is free help out there. There are people praying for people they don’t even know every day. God is standing by waiting to help you. If you don’t know how to get to Him for the help you need, there are a gazillion people that can help you get there. Just ask. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. God is not embarrassed or ashamed of you. We are all children of God!

My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old. I am the mother of a 24 year old recovering meth addict who is on day 2 of his sobriety (round # I lost count) but I’m not giving up!

Today I get a message from my son and the conversation goes as follows. Sorry for the misspelling but I’m doing a copy paste here:

Son: Mom anything girlfriend has ever done or said or told to come out to your house was all because of me. She did it because I did it first or because I told her to do it. Girlfriend is not the one at fault here, I am. Me an me only. She only stood by My side and went along with me/it because that’s what’s someone who is in love does.. They stand beside there partner no matter what happens no matter the circumstances. Every time we/I messed up all she could say or think about is how she was going to come back an look u and Husband in the eye after she did what she told and/or promised you she wouldn’t do. She’s the one who when I can’t talk to anyone else cause I feel like no one will understand, sits there and listens to me and reminded me how far we have come and how much we have together. She is the entire reason I am what I am right now. I’m not the same person that I have always been… It might sound like the same old shit, but mom I promis you that I truly want this and I truly want and am going to stop doing dope… It’s just not right to throw her to the curb because of what I did. I know that I fucked up, and I know that it kills you more and more every time I do, but mom I’ve never ment it when I have said I’m sorry, or that I’m not going to do it again, or that I want to change… I am more serious right now than I have ever been in my life… I’m going to stop doing dope. I’m going to get my shit together. And I am sorry for all the bull shit and pain that I’ve caused you and everyone else in my life. Mom just please let her come back home with us… I want her and this relationship for the rest of my life. And if you forse her out now, as much as I don’t want to, I’m going right with her no matter the consequences… I do not want it to be that way and I really really really hope it dosnt turn out that way, but I’m dead ass serious.. I’ll go right behind her…. Mom just please give me the one chance that I’ve needed all my life, not another chance, that chance that is going to make a difference……

Mom: What about her kids son?

Son: We can have them come over on the weekends, every weekend. That way we won’t b able to go out an get into any trouble. And it will get us ready for when we do get our own place and have them there all the time.

Mom: Are you willing to go by all the rules that i put in my letter to you? And can you both pass a drug test right now?

Son: No we can’t pass one right now
, I td u that the other day. And we’re willing to follow rules rules that are reasonable. The taking our phones and wifi access is unreasonable… And plus u can get into both of our fb’s anyway… I think we deserve a little more trust than that. But yes I’m willing to go by the rules that u have set and do what has to b done.

Mom: How long has it been since you’ve use and what have you done?
Both of you? And no I don’t have access to either of y’all’s fb accounts. Honest. But fb keeps you connected to those who are pulling you back into the wrong crowd. That is why I say you need to give up your internet access.

Son: Girlfriend just said that she thinks that you should take the phone cause she said that way we arnt tempted to try and do something or get something brought to us, so… And as for the drugs we’ve smoked some weed here and there, but yesterday I had someone come and do some shit with me cause I was all fucked up and pissed off about all this shit going on right now. I just figured fuck it! Cause we didn’t know where we were going to live how we were going to get money, I thought we’d probley have to sell dope or something…. IDK point is I fucked up and that’s why we don’t need to be out here or able to have contact with anyone out here.

Mom: Are you willing to go by all of my rules then? Both of you?

Son: Is Girlfriend wanted at ur house or welcome, other than by me???

Mom: Yes if you are both willing to go by the rules I set forth.

Son: Then we will do it. Nana will bring us there tomorrow evening.

Mom: Then you need to make sure you get all the sleep you can between now and Monday so the drugs are out of your system. Also we are going to do one other thing. I’m going to call the house and you are going to be honest with nana about your use and activities while at her house. You are going to come clean to her. And be honest with her that I haven’t been telling lies on you to her just to make you look bad ok? Your gonna so this with me and her both on the phone.

We had a phone call with my mom where he came clean with her about his use and activities. Son and girlfriend are going to church with Nana in the morning and rehab at moms starts tomorrow evening.

My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old. I’m the mother of a meth addict that I love with all of my heart and I’ll never give up on him no matter what. I love him with all my heart plus 1 more! ❤️

After being away from home for 6 days, I met with my son and had a conversation with him. I told him that if he could speak to his boss and get his job back that the husband and I would allow him to move back into the house. He took several hours to make the call and get the job back, but he did it and the plan was to go back to work on Monday. This was all taking place on Thursday afternoon. On Thursday night around 10:30 pm, I received information from someone that cut me deep. It resulted in the following conversation between myself and my son via email (I’ve replaced names with “son” and “girlfriend”:

Son, I’ve been up most of the night doing a lot of thinking. This is going to come off harsh and maybe it is, but I have to say this and take it however you need to but it is what it is. I received confirmation last night of something that had been concerning me for a while. Girlfriend seemed a little too quick to give me all the answers I wanted to hear about everything. A little to quick to give up information about whatever I asked. Always seeming to rollover on her mom or J or whoever to keep herself or you from getting in trouble. I don’t know Girlfriend. She is very new to me and to all of us. She has to earn a place of trust in our home and in our hearts. I know you have strong feelings for her. But last night, I received confirmation of some of my suspicions. I found out that while staying at my house over the past few weeks, Girlfriend has contacted others asking them to bring drugs to my house to get you and or her high and to “rescue” her from being at my house. So what I don’t understand is why someone who wants so bad to get clean would: 1 – need to be rescued from my house and 2 – want to get high and 3 – lie to my face about all of the above.

So with all of that said, this is where I’m at with all of this. Son, you are welcome to come back to my house and live and keep your job with Freddy. You alone. Not Girlfriend. If you come this will be your last and final chance we me. No more mess ups. And I take back what I said about making an exception for smoking Pot. I will not make an exception for that. I don’t make any exceptions for you sister and I’m not making any exceptions for you. You will be subject to random drug tests at my discretion. If you refuse a drug test when I tell you that you have to take one, you will be kicked out of my house. End of story. This time at my house will be REHAB for you. You will NOT have a phone. You will NOT have internet access. You may be an adult, but until you start acting like one, you are going to be treated like a kid. If you do not like these rules, you do not have to come live at my house. Husband will not wake you up in the mornings for work. You will get yourself up in the mornings and get ready for work ON TIME without him having to say anything to you. And if you fall asleep in the truck or on the job, he isn’t going to wake you up. You need to learn to stay awake at work. He isn’t going to babysit you anymore. You are an adult. It is time to start acting like one and being responsible.

You will give me your paycheck each week and I will give you an allowance for cigarettes and food. I will set you up on a budget so that you start saving toward getting your license back, toward getting a car and toward getting a place of your own. I will put your money in an account and give you an update of it any time you ask for it, but you will not be given this money to spend as you please. You are going to be forced to be responsible. Again, if you don’t like this plan, you don’t have to come live at my house. These are my rules. You have gone all of your life without having to accept responsibility for your actions and I am sick and tired of you blaming everyone else for your problems and for you not accepting the responsibility for your actions. This time you are going to man up and take responsibility and you are going to grow up once and for all and be the man that Son really is. I’m giving you the opportunity to do this. All you have to do is accept the challenge.

Girlfriend, your challenge is to go home to your mothers house and be a mother to your two daughters. You need to face your demons there. You need to face those girls, face your mother and face your fears head on and be a mother first of all and fight your sobriety without my son. But you are not coming back to live at my house again and you are not staying at my mothers house any longer.

To both of you…..you sobriety is NOT about you as a couple. It is about you INDIVIDUALLY. I’ve said this to each of you all along. And today, you have until 3:30 pm to make a decision. Son, if you want to go with me, it will be without Girlfriend. And if you chose not to go with me, you will need to find somewhere other than my mothers house to stay. She is not going to be your run-to rescue home every time something isn’t going your way. You also have the option of going to rehab – both of you. If that is the option you chose, I’ll be glad to give you the number, just let me know before 3:30 today.

You can be mad that I did this like this if you want, but I did it this way for two reasons. 1 – because I am at work and it’s hard for me to have a conversation like this over the phone and 2 – because I know you never would have let me say all of this without cussing me out hanging up on me. I love you Son, but you have to realize your sobriety is about you and only about you. If you do it for any reason other than yourself, it is never going to last. Same with Girlfriend. You can’t do it based on someone else. I love you and I just want what is best for you. If you went to rehab, you would get this same type of treatment. I’m just trying to do for you what needs to be done.

And to all of this…..this was son’s response to me….word for word…..exactly as it was written:

Whatever shut the fuck up with this self richous bullshit! I’m so tired of it. If me getting clean was allup to me then it wouldn’t happen. We are the ones keeping each other clean and until u quit acting like ur doing this for everyone else I’m not fucking speaking to u again

Go fuckin die somewhere

I’m fuckin sick of all ur god damn bull shit

My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old. I’m the mother of meth addict that I love very much. I share my stories in hopes that they may help others in the same or similar situations. I’ll never give up on my son and I pray that you never give up on yours either!

My name is Julie and I’m 46 years old. I have 2 children by birth and 4 stepchildren from my current marriage. I divorced my first husband after 16 years of marriage due to his alcoholism, drug addiction and physical abuse. Today, I admit, dreadfully, that I am the mother of a 24 year old meth addict. My son was first introduced to the drug when he was 14 years old…..by his own dad…..my ex-husband. My son has battled meth, pills, alcohol and other substances since then. I’ve decided to write today because I have recently found out that there are many, many others, people I know, have know for years, people who live right under my nose, that I am related to, that I interact with online or otherwise, that are also dealing with this same addiction, either their own fight or a child or other family member. I’ve realized recently how important it can be to be there for others, to just listen or to share your story so they know they aren’t alone. Addiction is a serious disease and should be treated as such. You don’t turn your back on your child if you find out they have terminal cancer, so why would you turn your back on them because they are an addict? I just want to express some of my thoughts, fears, dreams and how my daily life is affected due to this disease.

I can’t begin to explain to you what it is like to wonder where your child is, what they are doing, if they are dead or alive. I don’t know how to explain the stabbing pain in the heart that you feel when you have to tell them that you can’t let them live with you anymore because of their choices. I don’t know how to explain to you what it feels like to have absolutely no control over their destiny. I don’t know how to explain to you what it feels like to lie in bed at night wondering if they are going to still be alive tomorrow. I don’t know how to explain to you what it feels like to have such an overwhelming feeling that you will probably have to attend your own childs funeral. I don’t know how to explain to you what it is like to wonder why he ever tried drugs. I don’t know how to explain to you what it is like to wonder what he feels when he does drugs that makes him want to do it again. I don’t know how to explain to you the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness I have some days. I don’t know how to explain to you the desire to just run my car off into a ditch or hit a tractor trailer head on in hopes that if I were to die, he may realize he needs to change. I don’t know how to explain to you the thoughts that go through my head constantly. I don’t know how to explain to you what my life is like. On the outside, everything looks normal. But on the inside, I die a little more each day. I struggle to get out of bed every morning because I fight depression tooth and nail every single day of my life. I fight my demons all the way to work, listening to How Great Thou Art, The Lighthouse, Jesus Take The Wheel and other songs to try to keep me from swerving into that tractor trailer. I spend my drive time praying and talking to God asking him to help me deal with this. Asking him to change my son. Asking him to forgive me for the thoughts I have. Asking him to take me out of the depression. Asking him for guidance and for his will to be done in all of our lives.

I’ve recently had the opportunity to speak with other mothers who have dealt with their kids being addicted to drugs, going to jail, making bad life choices, giving up on God. And one thing that I’ve learned is this…..tough love is what everyone tells you that the kid needs. The kid needs to hit rock bottom before they are going to admit they need to change. I know these things already and I pray for him to hit rock bottom every day. But the part that everyone who is the parent of a RECOVERING addict has shared with me is that even though you do the tough love thing and you pray they hit rock bottom, the biggest part is that the kid has to know that his family hasn’t given up on him and that they are there for him no matter how good or how bad times are. You can’t walk away from that child. You can’t turn your back on that child. No matter what they say to you, do to you, do to ones you love, if you turn your back on them, you are no better off than they are. As Jesus was hanging on the cross, he said “forgive them Father for they know not what they do.” The person I see in my son right now is not my son. He is completely controlled by his substance abuse and by satan. The real child is in there, deep, stranded, struggling, fighting, crying for help, wanting a good life, but not knowing how to get back. He’s in there struggling with something that is stronger than any of us – – satan.
These statements were part of an email that I sent to a family member trying my best to help them understand how much deeper this is than what they see. I cried the entire time I was writing it. My gut and my throat burned as I made the admissions about the thoughts I’ve had. I’ve told my daughter before that I would give up my life without ever thinking twice if it would save my son! A year ago, I just thought that I understood the real, true, hardcore meaning of tough love and unconditional love. I did not. And I am pretty sure that most people don’t, general speaking. I’m sure it’s nothing like what I think, but I feel like I have a better understanding of what it meant for Christ to die on the cross to save us.

Shortly after sending this email yesterday, I was blessed with an overwhelming love from someone who has been hurt, betrayed, and generally disrespected by my son. While I was still trying to compose myself through the tears, I received a phone call. The call was asking how to get in touch with my son because someone wanted to offer him a place to work and live. I just started crying. I told the person how to get in touch with him. My son accepted the job and new living situation. The new employer will give him 30 days to sober up and assess him at that time. I’m praying that this new opportunity will give him the will, desire and drive to put the bad behind him and move forward with the life he deserves. This person who offered this opportunity to my son has been criticized by others for his mistakes he has made in his life, for choices he made in his younger years that he now regrets, he has been talked about and put down by others. But today, I realize without a doubt in my mind, that God…..only God….not by chance, not by karma, not by any other means, but by God, this man was put in my life for reasons that neither of us ever understood and probably won’t until we die. I have done many things wrong in my life, but evidently I have also done a few things right!

And today starts the first day in the rest of my son’s life. He is working physical labor in the hot sun. He hasn’t worked in over a year so not only is he out of shape, he is going through detox very quickly as the heat and work are dehydrating him. His will and desire for the drug is going to be tested more now than ever. I’m praying along with many others that today he will not give up. That today, he will struggle through until tomorrow. And that tomorrow, he will once again get up and go to work. I’m praying that he takes it one day at a time and looks at each day as a victory.

Today it hit me that I’ve taken on a new role in my life since my dad passed away in September. Every single day since my dad passed, I call my mother on my way home from work. So no matter where she is, I take the time while I’m driving home to spend time talking with my mom to see how her day was and just let her know I love her and I’m thinking about her. Well today when I got off work, I called her house. She didn’t answer so I called her cell. Again she didn’t answer. I made two more attempts to reach her by phone…once at the house and once on the cell. By this time, I had been off work for almost 25 minutes and we would have normally been very deep in our daily conversation about everything and nothing. So what does the 45 year old daughter of a 70 year old woman do next? First, I considered calling my moms next door neighbor to see if her car was home. Then I thought….I’m over-reacting so I didn’t make that call. So what I did do seemed just about as silly. And keep in mind I’m in Georgia because that is relative to my actions. I texted my older brother…who I didn’t realize was in Las Vegas at the time, asking if he knew where my mom was. Next, because I didn’t get an immediate answer from him, I called my younger sister in California to see if she knew where mom was. Of course, just like me, my sister panicked a little and we hung up and she tried to call mom. Well, turns out that just as my sister called moms cell, mom was walking out of WALMART. She didn’t hear her phone ringing while she was in Walmart which was why she didn’t answer me. Long story short….I’ve taken it upon myself to know where my mom is, what she is doing and who she is with pretty much every day of the week. I’ve gone from her worrying and checking up on me to me doing just the opposite and worrying about her. So what did I learn today, you ask? Well you may not have asked, but I’m gonna tell you…..if you try to reach your recently widowed mom by phone and you can’t get in touch with her….just wait 30 minutes for her to get done shopping at Walmart and she’ll call you in between stores!!!!!!!! She so sweetly told me “I’m sorry I worried you! I was just at Walmart!” I love you Mom!!!

First, let me say that I do not hate being a parent. However, there are many days in the last 25 years of my life that I’ve wondered why I became a parent and what life would be like if I had never had children. I think every normal parent has this cross their mind at some time in their life. I am a mother of six. Two by birth, four by marriage and we have six grandkids with another on the way. I wouldn’t change any of that for anything in this world and I love them all dearly. BUT….

1. I have to be responsible to my children for everything that I say, do, write, don’t do, etc. If I do something that I wouldn’t want my child to do, doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing, just not something I would want him or her to do, then I know I can’t do it because I have to be responsible to them. Sometimes I just want to do the irresponsible things that younger people get to do and I can’t. I guess you could say I’m greedy in that aspect.

2. Kids are expensive. I don’t care if you have that perfect child that has perfect attendance, makes straight A’s and never makes you mad or if you have that kid that has broken every rule in the book. Either way, they cost a fortune. There are times when I get jealous of people who don’t have kids and can spend their hard earned money on nice vacations, beautiful homes, the best cars, the name brand clothes or anything else they please. I don’t have that option. My kids come first and I must make sure they have everything they need to succeed in life. That means my desires take a back burner.

3. I have to worry about where I live. I want to live out in the middle of the country. But with kids, you have to be sure you live in an area that has the best schools. I don’t want to care about schools. I just want land, rolling hills, fields, forest, trees, cows, wildlife, dirt roads, back roads, no traffic. I don’t want to be around people. I want privacy. But living in privacy doesn’t afford your average parent with the best schools because most of us average parents can’t afford to send their children to private schools and have to settle for the county schools. Therefore causing us to choose housing in those more populated counties that offer a better education.

4. Kids catch your mistakes! No matter how insignificant the mistake may be to you, your child will remember it and find a way to bring it up later in your life causing you a headache worse than a migraine!

5. I have an amazing husband who deserves 100% of me all the time. But that doesn’t happen because we have children. I would like to have 100% of him all the time as well. But kids take precedence and we temporarily take a back seat until our nest is empty. Plus it really grosses out the kids when they hear noises coming from their parents bedroom on a regular basis.

6. Being a parent is really difficult. Kids don’t come with an instruction manual nor do they come with the same mindset as you do. They are fully automated and rarely think like you do or like you want them to all of the time. They have their own personalities that will vary greatly from your own or what you would like theirs to be.

I am blessed every day to share my life with my husband, children and grandchildren. My God is an Awesome God and he has blessed me beyond measure. I wouldn’t take all the stars in the heavens or all the money on the earth for any one of my children. I know I have a tendency to be somewhat selfish, but the reality of it is that my kids are my priority and my selfishness will remain pushed deep down inside where no one can hear it or see it. I’m only two children away from having an empty nest. Four down two to go. I got this. For now, I will blog about my wants and desires, but will live my life as I normally do…taking care of my family.

2013 saw me through many more tears than I ever wanted to shed in my life, much less in one year. The year began as a battle in many personal areas of my life. Our first major event of the year was my daughter turning 16. For some reason she thought she was grown. She began driving, got her first job, was attending high school full time making great grades and had a full time boyfriend. I just thought I had my hands full at that point. My son, age 24, has spent the better part of the last 5 years in jail because he has made very poor choices since becoming an adult. The second big event of the year happened when my son lost his best friend in a fatal car wreck. He didn’t handle the fatality well and ended up in the arms of an ex-girlfriend who had been around 5 years ago when the bad choices began. After that, my son became a meth addict. I thought I knew the meaning of both tough love and unconditional love, but until you encounter such a destructive problem and the way it not only affects the addict but your family as a whole, you probably won’t fully understand either in the way that I feel I do now. February rolled around and we celebrated my husbands birthday. I was so glad to have a happy occasion in what started out as such a rough year. My happiness was short lived. In early March, I had a falling out with the lady who had been my best friend for over 10 years. It seemed so petty, yet we couldn’t get past it and we never did. I felt like I was the only woman in the world who had no friends other than her husband and parents. I stayed depressed for a while once this was added to my plate. Then at the end of March, a giant ray of sun shone down on us. Our 5th grandchild was born. A very handsome and healthy 9# 13oz boy. Only downside to that event was that they lived 21 hours away and we had no money or time off work to travel to their home to meet our newest grandson. At the time, I was so thankful for Facebook so I was able to see him and feel like we were a small part of his life even from so far away. April finally arrived and I had a very unexpected new guest in my home. My husband is a carpenter and was remodeling an old barn when he found an abandoned baby squirrel. It was only about a week old. He brought it home and we started nursing it to health. He was so ugly and so cute at the same time. We named him Willie and became very fond of him very quickly. My husband would take him to work with him each day and feed him and I would take my turns in the mornings and at night. Unfortunately, about 2 weeks into nursing him, Willie passed away. My husband actually cried because we had tried so hard to keep that little baby alive. It was pretty heartbreaking. In the later part of April, we found out that grandbaby number six who was due in August was going to be a little girl. That news made the month a much happier one. May brought around my 45th birthday. It was rather uneventful which I guess is okay. Sometimes I think I would prefer that someone throw a huge surprise party for me just because I’ve never had that, but then again I would not be happy if someone spent a ton of money on me to do that. May also brought Mothers Day. I was able to spend my mothers day with my daughter, my mother and my 93 year old grandmother. It was a rather quite, but enjoyable day. June brought Fathers Day. I didn’t get to go see my dad on Fathers Day, but the following Sunday was our annual family reunion so I was able to spend time with him then. June also brought my step-daughter into town. She is the baby of our six children and was down to stay with us for the summer. July came and went way too fast. We celebrated 4th of July watching local fireworks and spending time with some good friends. Then two weeks later we moved into our new home. A nice older home, out in the country, on 10 acres with a pond and lots of wildlife roaming around. It was beautiful and we felt so comfortable there. August came in relatively calmly. It was after we were settled in the new house and I began to get into my crafts on a regular basis. I was painting, making wind chimes, sun-catchers and anything else I could think of. August also brought along grandbaby number six. While we were very excited about having another grandchild, we were once again too far to go visit. This one was over 2500 miles away! August was drawing to an end and I decided to take advantage of a free Saturday and spend the evening fishing with my husband. It was August 31st, 2013. About 8pm I received a phone call from my mother to let me know that my dad had fallen in the house and they thought he had broken his knee. Later that night they found out that it was actually his hip. That night began the nightmare that would soon become my life for the next few weeks and would forever change my perception of life. Sunday morning I spoke with my mother again to find out what they were going to do about my dad’s broken hip. She told me that once his cardiologist cleared him for surgery, they would place a rod in his hip. It was to be a relatively simple surgery as his hip wasn’t shattered, just broken in one place. But nothing with my dad was ever simple. He had many surgeries over the years, heart problems, cholesterol problems, joint problems, you name it….it seemed like my dad had dealt with it to some extent. My dad was just under two months away from his 72nd birthday when this happened. Sunday they cleared him for surgery and he was scheduled to go into surgery at 9am on Monday morning. On Monday morning, Labor Day, my mother got a call from my dad around 7:30am. She had just woken up and was getting ready to head to the hospital to be with my dad as he went into surgery. I was off work that day so I had planned to head to the hospital a little later in the morning. When he called my mom, it was to tell her that they were taking him into surgery earlier than expected and he wanted to let her know that he loved her and he would want to see her as soon as his surgery was over. I met my mom at the hospital around 11am that day. My dad’s surgery was over and the doctor reported to my mother that everything went very well. Dad was in recovery and as soon as he woke up a little more, they would move him to his room. However, at 2pm my dad still had not woken up from his surgery. It was at that time that the hospital decided to move him into the ICU. Upon arriving in the ICU, I was greeted by a high school friend who was there with her dad as well. Two weeks before, her dad had fallen at home, broken his hip, had surgery and was not recovering well. My friend was taking her dad home that evening as his wish was to pass away at home under the care of hospice. He was coming to the end of his long journey as my dad’s story was just getting started. I left the hospital around 8pm that night and when I left, my dad still was not awake. The doctor on call seemed to think that maybe he had just reacted adversely to the anesthesia and would just take longer to wake up. My mother didn’t like that explanation so she demanded a CAT Scan. She received a call from the doctor around midnight to let her know that the CAT Scan revealed dad had suffered a massive stroke at some time during or after the surgery. They let us know that the next 72 hours would be critical in knowing how or if he would recover. We tried everything we knew to wake him up but nothing worked. We sat and watched him lay there helpless, unable to move or communicate for the next 4 days. Finally on Friday, my mom, myself and my two siblings made the decision to move my dad to hospice so he could take his journey home to be with his Heavenly Father. The doctors had told us those was no hope for improvement and that my dad wouldn’t last more than another 2 weeks in the state he was in. My family spent the next 4 days watching my dad slip away from us at the hospice center. It was the most heart breaking, gut wrenching thing I had ever gone through. I was in so much pain watching him pass, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave and not be with him. 8 days after my dad had his stroke, he passed away while I was holding his hand and had my head laying in his lap. The days that would follow were all a blur. Funeral arrangements, the funeral, all of the visitors, the food…it was sweet chaos. September came and went without me knowing much more than my dad was gone. October came and my 93 year old grandmother began to decline. This was my dad’s mother. She passed away three days before what would have been my dad’s 72nd birthday and her funeral was on my mothers 70th birthday. November brought another dreaded occasion. My son went to probation and failed his drug test so back to jail he went. The revoked his probation so he is now incarcerated until April of 2014. Thanksgiving came with plenty of food and happiness and then December brought Christmas. Christmas was a happy occasion, but for the first time in our lives, we were celebrating without my dad. It was a wonder and sad time all together. I rang in the new year by going to bed early and praying that 2014 would be much less eventful. And that is my year in review.