Alternative advice for pupils in court

With all the pupils now up and on their feet in court, TheCreep has taken to lecturing them at every opportunity and he was doing so again at chambers tea yesterday.

"There's something of the pupil fancier about TheCreep," said OldSmoothie.

"I think it has something to do with the fact that they're the only ones that will listen," said BusyBody.

"Well, at least I'm making an effort to educate the next generation," said TheCreep.

"Which coming from the man who still isn't truly out of er, short trousers, is a little rich," said OldSmoothie.

"So what advice would you give them?' he replied.

"Tell the usher that it's your first case for at least the first six weeks of practice," said OldSmoothie. "It'll go straight back to the judge who'll do everything in his power to give you a good start at the Bar."

"Unless it's a solicitor-judge," said BusyBody.

"Or the other side is also playing the sympathy card," said TheVamp.

"So what advice would you give?" asked TheCreep.

"Forget about the judge or the result," she said. "It's all about getting the client to phone your solicitor and sing your praises."

"It's true," said BusyBody. "I was told by HeadClerk that if ever a client thanked me after court that I should always emphasise that all credit really lay with the solicitor and a phone call to thank them would undoubtedly cause them great delight. Needless to say it always led to the client being asked what they thought of the new barrister and hey, tenancy's another step closer."

"Why stop there?" said Teflon, another junior tenant. "We all know that solicitors hardly ever talk to their clients in these small cases so I simply got my flat mate to ring up the solicitor and pretend to be my client. Far easier all ways round."

"The only advice HeadClerk gave me," said BusyBody, "was to read up on one particular football team and always be ready to chat about their performance with either the judge, your opponent or the client."

"So which team did you pick?" asked TheVamp.

"I didn't," said BusyBody. "Instead I just downloaded a picture of a cute dog off the internet and pretended it was mine."

"I'm afraid I told TheCreep to get himself a book stand from which to deliver his lengthy closing addresses," said OldSmoothie. "That, and theatrical long pauses and the QCish-playing with the glasses. Anything that I knew would irritate everyone around him."

"You really thought he needed help in that?" asked BusyBody.

"I remember OldSmoothie's first day in court," said UpTights. "Not such a smart alec in those days, were you old man?"

"Er, well, er…"

"His pupil master told the pusillanimous little twerp to wear his wig and gown to the magistrate's court."

TheCreep suddenly looked delighted. "Not so clever now, old man."

"And as for pupil fancying…" continued UpTights, looking over at BusyBody, although by then her point had already been made.

BabyBarista is a fictional account of a junior barrister practising at the English Bar, written by barrister and writer Tim Kevan. For more information and to read posts from the last few years visit babybarista.com. Cartoons by Alex Williams, author of 101 Ways to Leave the Law.