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6 Reasons Getting Old Is The Sh*t

There is all kinds of smack being talked about getting old: you gain weight, your joints hurt, no one likes you anymore… Still, the arrows of time point only in one direction, so call it forced optimism, but I happen to believe that getting old is where it’s at. Need more convincing? I got you, boo. Here are seven reasons getting old is the sh*t.

1. . Older people are happier.

Older people are literally happier and more satisfied with their lives. Have you ever seen The Golden Girls? Not a care in the goddamned world! In part, this is due to lower expectations and acceptance of past accomplishments ie: “Sure, I never won a Pulitzer, but goddamnit, I’m still alive!”

2. . FOMO Is Replaced By GYHTBT

It’s hard to harbor a fear of missing out when you have a pile of life experiences behind you. Once you have lived, you can continue to live without all the anxiety that you haven’t lived enough. I’m talking hooking up with bartenders, after-after-after parties, dressing as something naked for Halloween, once you’ve done it all, you know what it’s like to be done.

3. . Old People DGAF

Have you ever talked to a teenager and wondered how they possibly have that many f*cks to give? When you’re younger, and by younger, I once again mean anywhere in the ballpark of under 25, your sense of what matters over time is all kinds of messed up because teens process information with the amygdale, which is the emotional part of the brain. It means your brain can’t distinguish how you feel from what is actually happening, which explains why everything seems like life or death. When you get older, you realize Adelewill tour again, so it’s no big deal that you missed her this time. Plus, I am of the opinion that it takes a certain vintage of human being to appreciate a concert sitting down.

4. . What Really Matters Starts To Matter More

Youth and beauty carry a huge premium, so young people are under a lot of pressure to look good all the time. That’s a full time job, and one with a very definite shelf life, as anyone who has looked at celebrity Photoshop fails. Fighting the inevitable is a loosing battle, so while your first wrinkle may feel like the end of the world, your hundredth fine line is just fine.

5. . You Get To Be Eccentric

When you’re young and do stuff differently from your friends, you’re weird. When you’re old and do it, you’re eccentric! When others believe your quirks are tried and true, they are less likely to give you flack for engaging in behaviors that they don’t understand. Maybe making up songs about vegetables while you get ready for dinner is better than not making up songs about vegetables while you get ready for dinner. WHO’S TO SAY?!?

6. . You Get To Dress In Blankets

Somewhere on the line that draws a circle from womb to grave, it becomes ok once again to walk around in blankets. Blankets, guys! Blankets! I’m talking ponchos, shawls, wraps, oversized scarves. Fashion tends towards comfort as its target audience ages, so the tight squeeze of spanx turns into the gentle swaddle of loose knit wool.