The Guysexual’s Guide to ‘Goodbye 2016’

In the number of boys he ghosted? The number of times he had his heart broken? The number of times he swore off carbs? The number of messages he deleted? Glasses of wine he consumed? People he came out to? Slices of pizza he looked at lovingly? Sunday brunches? Exes?

If 2016 were a boy, it would be the one that you bump into at a bar fight and never want to see again — until you match with him on Tinder just days later. It’s been a year only a few of us would want to see again, one that we want to replace with starry eyed resolutions and bottles of expensive wine.

What can I say?

It’s time to rinse out the year, and say hello to the next one. While most of us resolve to learn a new skill, cut down on alcohol or spend more time giving back to the world — five days into January, we are back to being our despicable selves all over again. So while you make New Year plans that are full of confetti, cheap champagne and poor judgment, here are a few resolutions for 2017 that aren’t as easy to give up on as your doomed alcohol detox:

1. Ditch the dating apps, but don’t ditch out on the dates.
There really is a high chance you’ll find the next big love of your life at the bookstore, or your favourite neighbourhood bar (and we won’t judge you even if it happens at the gym.)

2. Then again, don’t lie about your age, height or weight on your online dating profile.
71 kilograms are sexy, and so are you.

4. Put an end to the ‘New Year, new me’.
You’ll always be you. If people could change over night, we would never have so many seasons worth of great television.

5. Be a nicer person. If you can’t, try till you succeed.
Gay men have the potential to be a lot of things — charming, well dressed, effortless, established, articulate, artistic or even high on drugs. But still, a lot of us choose to be douchebags.

6. Take an active interest in politics.
Because some of these decisions actually prevent gay men and women from receiving equal rights; which is just plain sad.

7. Let your biggest regret this year be not eating that last cupcake.
But you should go ahead and eat it anyway.

8. Accept the fact that drinking five glasses of red wine and dancing the night away doesn’t count as a diet and exercise regime.
As much as they would like you to believe, five glasses of red wine aren’t the same as five hours at the gym.

9. Stop answering texts from the ex.
There’s a word for it. It’s called Ghosting.

10. Read more, but don’t read more into what other people said to you.
Books are sexy and mysterious, just like the hot guy who makes eye contact with you at the bar (and then disappears forever). Reading online lists doesn’t count though, unless you are reading this one.

11. Do something that frightens you, not someone who frightens you.
The list can include learning how to tap dance, skydiving and eating alone at a restaurant. Things the list should not include? Having unprotected sex with a complete stranger.

12. Exercise for health, not your crush’s phone number.
If you want those six pack abs that you can eat sushi off, make sure you are doing it for yourself (side note: even though eating sushi off your stomach can be quite unsettling).

14. Be okay with being single.
There’s always 2018. And 2019. And 2020. And 2021. And so on.

15. Understand that brands don’t make the man, manners do.
Very few men who have the latest Louis Vuitton bag will want to hear about your day at work.

16. Don’t be afraid to end a relationship that’s not going anywhere.
Especially when the only place it’s going is downhill, with prescription bills.

17. Actually enjoy experiences, instead of just Instagramming them.
And if the ratatouille doesn’t look as good as it does under the Aden filter, don’t eat it.

18. Tell the next boy you like how you really feel about him.
The world would have more romances if lesser people were scared of sending two text messages in a row.

19. Stop all the self-hating.
If there’s one thing that I love more than money, it’s myself.

20. Be happier.
Go on, you deserve it.

See you on the other side of 2017, boys. I’ve got a night of debauchery that I most likely will regret tomorrow morning — here’s hoping you start yours with a bang, the one that ends without a walk of shame.