Every year, by law and by custom, we meet here for a photo-op that requires all of you out there to bounce up and
down more often than a pack of Catholics at high mass. This year, as we gather the entire
United States government together in this one chamber, let us take solace in the knowledge that I have dispatched
Attorney General Ashcroft to the Shadow White House, from where he
will single-handedly combat global indecency in the event we are all
vaporized in a horrific nukeyular catastrophe.

Now as most of you know, I don't give many press conferences. All those hard, fact-crazy questions and spontaneous
talking tend to deviate from my prepared sloganeering sound bytes. Well tonight, I'll feel none of the stutter-inducing
terror of having to suddenly just think up words that's not scrolling down a Teleprompter. Which is
why I stand here now, basking in the adulation of an audience so cowered by fear of being labeled un-American by FOX
NEWS commentators, that they would applaud Roseanne Barr singing the Star Spangled Banner. (Applause.)

You Congress people serve my kingdom in a time of great consequence to the Bush dynasty. During this session of Congress, we
have the duty to reform my approval ratings at home - and we have the opportunity to reeducate
millions of lesser peoples abroad - freeing them from the scourge of higher cognition. We will work for a prosperity that is
broadly shared by our campaign contributors, and we will manufacture and sensationalize every danger and every
enemy that renders Americans paralyzed by fear. In all these days
of warmongering and empire-building, we can be confident. In a whirlwind
of injustice, poverty, and unemployment, our faith in Jesus Christ is sure, and my re-election prospects remain strong. (Applause.)

This country faces many challenges. But we will not deny or pass along our problems to other Congresses, other Presidents,
and other generations. No, we will confront and destroy them as quickly as I wiped out that massive budget surplus and sense
of global harmony that so marred the initial days following my coronation. (Applause.)

During the last two years, Republicans have seen what can be accomplished when we exploit tragedy for political gain. By aggressively staking
a monopoly on patriotism, we achieved historic mid-term election gains  which must now be quickly put to use overstepping our
mandate in every school, and every classroom, so that every child in America can be saved, and worship, and pray out loud to
Jesus Christ ONLY in mandatory displays of faith. (Applause.)

To protect our country, we reorganized our government and created the Department of Homeland
Security  which is mobilizing against the threat of civil liberties. To bring our economy out of recession, we simply stated
that it happened, and resumed delivering unimaginably massive tax breaks to our pals from the 19th hole. To establish the illusion of integrity in
American business, we passed paper tiger reforms, and we are waiting for the storm to blow over.

Some might call this a good record. Some might be wrong. It's a fantastic record. Hell, it's so good that even if I don't do another thing for the next
two years except munch Chee-tos and clear-cut cedars on my thousand-acre ranch, I'd still deserve to be re-elected by a bigger
landslide than my daddy buried that little Greek weasel Michael Da-cock-ass. (Applause.)

Going forward, our first goal is clear: We must talk about the economy loudly and often enough that the great unwashed
come to believe we honestly care whether or not they have lousy blue-collar jobs earning the minimum wage we fight tooth-and-nail
to keep from raising every five years or so. (Applause.)

As we continue to weather recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals, and an outright stock market implosion, we can say
our economy is recovering  in the same way we manage to tell colored folks we respect them without cracking up. With
unemployment still skyrocketing, our Nation needs more major corporations to be declared tax-exempt, so they can expand
their uninsured part-time workforces, and put up more signs that read, "Janitors Wanted." (Applause.)

I am proposing that all the income tax reductions for rich folks set for 2004 and 2006 be made permanent and effective this
year. Ninety-two million Americans will keep  this year  an average of almost $1,100 more of their own money.
Of course that's just an average. If Dick Cheney and a dozen penniless crack whores are riding a merry-go-round together,
that still means the average person on that rig is worth about fourteen gazillion dollars. And therein lies
the glorious logic of my administration's strategy to positively influence economic indicators without
actually helping the little people. (Applause.)

We will also ignore the advice of even our own Republican economists eliminating
the tax on stock profits. Indeed, despite what crybaby poor-boy Democrats might say, this plan will benefit middle and
lower-middle-affluent citizens who not only know what dividends are in the first place, but are also
the insiders who actually receive and pay taxes on them during the worst bear market since the Great Depression. (Applause.)

Our second goal is talking about high quality, affordable health care for all Americans while still maintaining
the status quo as demanded by our campaign-supporting pals in the Insurance industry.

The American system of medicine is a model of privatization unfettered  with a dazzling ability to monetize
suffering and add valuable properties to the real estate portfolios of healthcare executives. Of course, there are
lots of folks out there who can't afford their own insurance. To them I say, never mind that the GOP routinely
blocks any effort that might permit the almighty United States to shed its status as the richest Western nation that's still too
cheap to provide medicine to its citizens. No, instead you should nod and smile as I make vague,
feel-good references to a non-existent plan to someday, somehow get you and your family some bare-bones insurance so you
don't have to keep giving your babies homemade penicillin you scraped out of the corner of your basement's
sump pump. (Applause.)

Of course, health care reform must begin with Medicare, which tonight I will refer to as "the binding commitment
of a caring society." Truth is, it's Socialist medicine for old people set up by that darkie-loving, pathetic
excuse for a Texas President named Lyndon Johnson. As such, I really and truly
stand diametrically opposed to it, but because legions of crusty geriatrics like it so much, it would be pure
political suicide for me to state outright that my true goal is to incrementally obliterate Medicare over
time. And so for now, we must create the illusion of supporting this program by giving seniors access
to the preventive medicine they deserve. (Applause.)

Finally, to protect our health care insurance companies, we must address one of the prime causes of their displeasure 
the threat of class-action suits in cases of gross negligence, incompetence, and/or ethical atrocities
committed in the relentless pursuit of profits over healing. Yes, suing crooked hospitals and pharmaceutical and
insurance companies is the real reason poor folks can't get insurance. And as coincidence would have it, SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS
USED TO LITIGATE CLASS-ACTION MEDICAL MALPRACTICE LAWSUITS. YES, SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS IS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE
FOR EVERY UNINSURED MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Did I mention he's running for President?

Our third goal is to talk about promoting energy independence for our country, while dramatically ignoring the
environment.

I have sent the Congress an energy plan that gives empty lip service to energy efficiency, conservation,
and the development of cleaner technology, while still maintaining my family's slavish and unbelievably profitable devotion to Arab oil.
I have sent you legislation called "Clear Skies" that lets power plants
delay cleaning up their emissions indefinitely until such underminate time as "new technologies" are invented.
Similarly, I have sent you legislation called "Healthy Forests" that will prevent future grass and brush fires by cutting
down thousand year old trees and preserving them as attractive, mass-produced dining room sets. (Applause.)

I urge you to pass these measures, for the good of my personal fortune. Even more, I ask you to
join with me briefly in pretending to set aside our shared contempt for the environment. And that's why
tonight, I am proposing $1.2 billion in research funding that will never make it through Congress so that
America can lead the world in talking about developing unsafe hydrogen cars and personal jet packs.
Yes, we enter the realm of science fiction to set tree-huggers' and Star Trek freaks' hearts a-flutter
with possibilities. Plus - my boys in big oil say that'll throw them liberals off their "black gold scent" for awhile. (Applause.)

Our fourth goal is to feign compassion towards the troubled non-rich of America. For so many in our
country  the homeless, the fatherless, the addicted  the need is bottomlessly expensive and annoying.
Yet there is power  election-winning power  in the wealth, manipulativeness, and hypocrisy of organized
religion. I urge you to shatter the separation of Church and State by passing the United States Department of Faith's
many Christly Initiatives, which use taxpayer dollars to support loaded acts of compassion that can methodically convert
America to Christianity one heart and one soul at a time. (Applause.)

Another cause of hopelessness is addiction to drugs. I speak from experience when I say that sweet,
delicious drugs can almost but not actually damage a political career, and reduce all the richness of opulent
wealth to a single impotency-inducing desire. As a government, we are working hard with RJ Reynolds lobbyists
to fight non-alcohol-and-tobacco drugs by cutting off supplies, and reducing demand through stepped up
executions and the aggressive construction of black teen gulags.
Yet for those already addicted, the successful fight
against drugs is as simple as checking in to a full-priced suite at Betty Ford. (Applause.)

Speaking of folks who could use a leg up, let us not overlook those not among us who have not yet
bifurcated sufficiently to have legs. I ask you to protect womb boogers from the very moment of man jelly
implantation, and pass a ban on the emotionally-labeled "partial-birth" abortion which will serve as
a first step in overturning Roe vs. Wade and transforming
uppity broads back into the walking incubators and non-skim milk dispensers the Good Lord intended them to be.
And because no science should ever seek to explain things that churches don't understand - I ask you to reaffirm the
validity of the flat-earth theory by passing a law against the research-only cloning of cellular material.

The qualities of greed and domination at any cost that we strive for in America also determine our conduct abroad.
The American flag stands for more than our omnipotence and questionable taste in design. Our Founders dedicated this country to
the cause of human dignity  the rights of every person and the possibilities of every life. Quaint, naive
ideas from a time when grown men wore velvet knickers, froofy shirts, girly wigs and makeup.
Today, under my leadership, America storms out into the world to stake its righteous, God-given claim of
ownership over anything and everything that strikes our beady-eyed fancy. (Applause.)

As our Nation moves troops and buys alliances to make our world more profitable, we must also remember our calling, as
a Christian nation, to take action against global health crises
only once we ourselves feel threatened within our country club ivory towers. Such is the case with the homo disease AIDS. Today, on the continent of
Africa, nearly 30 million chimpanzee sodomizers have the AIDS virus  including three million children under
the age of 15. There are whole countries in Africa where more than one-third of the adult population carries
the infection. And while in America, God continues to only kill fags
with AIDS, we realize that he works in mysterious ways, and as such cannot rule out his AIDS-spewing anger welling
up and splashing onto other, straighter, whiter groups.

As such, tonight I ask the Congress to commit $12,500 dollars over the next five years to
AIDS-Proof Toilet Research, to turn the tide
in favor of persons not yet given this sinner's death sentence by God.

Yes, this nation can lead the world in patronizing rhetoric about sparing colored savages from a plague
of "nature." And as we all know, "nature" is a conservative think tank code word for "environmentalist queers who
get high on MDMA and pack fudge bare-back at pagan sex parties." Mark my words,
we will send Christian Scientists by the thousands and they will save the
souls of these unfortunate horny blackies - just before they die off, of course.

And this nation is leading the world in confronting and defeating the
man-made evil of international terrorism.
Yes, there are whole three minute stretches when our cable "news" channels do not breathlessly report non-details about the war on
terror. You can't always see, or feel, or smell
terrorism. But that doesn't mean it's not there. Because it is. Your
neighbor, your local brown-skinned 7-11 cashier, your Democrat congressman -
they're probably terrorists. And I think I speak for all SUV-driving denizens
of upscale suburban enclaves when I say, "better safe than sorry."

You see, the war goes on, and we are winning. Sure, there's no evidence of that. You just need
to take my word on this one, because to give up even a shred of information would jeopardize
the secrecy of our global spy satellite system which nobody outside America knows exists. (Applause.)

To date we have arrested or otherwise dealt with many key commanders of Al
Qaeda. Take Abu-Al something of Yemen. He was a suspected terrorist. A
guilty, American-killing suspected could-be terrorist. He might or might not
have pumped gas into those cars that were got into bloody
cous-cous by a Predator Drone-launched Hellfire Missile. Well old Abu totally pooped
his pants after that one, because he could be next! Yee-ha! Don't fear the reaper, Ragboy! Fear George W. Bush! (Applause.)

Moreso, we continue to monitor the conversations of any and all suspicious
minorities or persons with viewpoints different from my own. Hear me now
those who wish harm on America, or wish to change America for worse or
better: SHUT UP OR LEAVE. We're watching you, Barbra Streisand.
And many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way: They are
no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies. By
that I mean - they are dead. Dick's got a vault where he collects the
bleached bones and often times, he likes to swim around in them like he's old
Scrooge McDuck!

We are working closely with other nations to prevent further attacks.
America and coalition countries - like Britain, Qatar, Texas, a couple of
islands in the Pacific I think, and Britain, have uncovered and stopped
terrorist conspiracies in foreign places all over the world, but also in
Buffalo, New York! And every single peaceful cul-de-sac in America!
We've got the terrorists on the run. We're keeping them on the run. One by
one the terrorists are learning the meaning of American justice. Just like
all them stupid retards in the Lone Star State.
As we fight this war, we will remember where it began: here, in our own
country. This government is taking unprecedented measures to protect our
rich people from those of lesser breeding and defend our investments, both
offshore and on Wall Street. Because national sovereignty don't really mean
much if you've got enough money to live in a mountain fortress in like, that
rich white nirvana Aspen. (Applause.)

We've intensified security at the borders and ports of entry, posted more
than 50,000 newly trained federal screeners in airports, begun inoculating
troops and first responders against smallpox, and are deploying the nation's
first early warning network of sensors to detect biological attack.
And this year, for the first time, we are beginning to field a defense to
protect this nation from a plausible and rational hail of nuclear missiles
launched through a time-bending wormhole by the Soviet Union of the 1960's.

I thank the Congress for supporting these measures. I ask you tonight to add
to our future security with a major research and production effort to guard
our people against bioterrorism, called "Project Bioshield." We also called
in "Project Vaccinate Whitey" and "Project Paranoia Opium." But Bioshield
sounded cooler. (Applause.)

The budget I send you will propose almost $6 billion to quickly make
available effective vaccines and treatments against agents like anthrax,
ebola, plague, and the kooties one can catch while
shopping at an urban K-Mart.

Since September the 11th, our intelligence and law enforcement agencies have
worked more closely than ever to track and disrupt the terrorists. The FBI
is improving its ability to analyze intelligence, and is transforming itself
to meet new threats. Tonight, I am instructing the leaders of the FBI, the CIA, the Homeland
Security and the Department of Defense to develop a Terrorist Threat
Integration Center, to merge and analyze all threat information in a single
location. That way, when a Hindu-looking bigmouth cracks a 9/11 joke at a
Denny's in Florida, we can take the traitor down with a single headshot when he eventually rolls
into a Popeye's Fried Chicken in say, Mississippi.

Our government must have the very best information possible, and we will use
it to make sure the right people are in the right places to protect our
GOP-voting, wealth generating citizens.
Our war against terror is a contest of will in which perseverance is power.
In the ruins of two towers, at the western wall of the Pentagon, on a field
in Pennsylvania, this administration made a pledge, to show no shame in
building its political platforms over the graveyards of the innocent victims
of short-sighted foreign policies and out-of-control, ineffective covert
operations blowback.

Whatever the duration of this struggle and whatever the difficulties, we
will not permit the triumph of violence in the affairs of men; free people
will set the course of history. And let me reiterate: by free people, I
mean those who put their own selfish, narrow-minded ideologies ahead of
human decency; those people whose money and love of money is a fortification
against a world of poverty they helped to create; those people who talk
regularly to burning bushes; these free people shall set the course. For the
corrupt and inbred shall inherit the scorched Earth! (Applause.)

Today, the gravest danger in the war on terror, the gravest danger facing America
and the world, is outlaw regimes that seek and possess nukeyular, chemical and
biological weapons. This threat is new; America's duty is familiar. To take it in the
ass from the gutless Euro-faggots who will, in a heartbeat, give America a security booty
call the second their stinky cheese and funny-tasting beer gets threatened to come over and
use our big, throbbing missiles to take down, say, a goofy, genocide-dabbling European
dictator. And I'm not talking about Hitler.

We love bailing those ladies out, and then getting all high on our noble, ass-kicking farts.

But make no mistake: the French are just Germans who make sauces and the Germans are just
French who militantly externalize their hatred of Semitic races. Neither of these things
are all bad. Mainly, the Germans and the French should just shut the fuck up and be ruled.

Throughout the 20th century, small groups of men seized control of great
nations, built armies and arsenals, and set out to dominate the weak and
intimidate the world. Sorta like me, but I'm a good guy. So are you. Well,
not so much the minority party. (Applause.)

In each case, their ambitions of cruelty and murder had no limit. In each
case, the ambitions of Hitlerism, militarism, Communism, Clintonism, Hippyism,
Free-Lunch-For-Trashism, and Against-Usism were defeated
by the will of "free" peoples, by the strength of great alliances and by the
might of the United States of America. (Applause.)

Now, in this century, the ideology of power and domination has appeared
again, and seeks to gain the ultimate weapons of terror... second to the sweet
political machinations of Karl and Karen, of course.

America is making a broad and determined effort to confront these dangers.
Whatever action is required, whenever action is necessary, I will defend the
freedom and security of the American plutocracy, vigorously rimming their
privileged and perfectly cleansed anuses with my pointy and muscular tongue before asking them what to do next.
Different threats require different strategies. In Iran we continue to see a
government that represses its people, pursues weapons of mass destruction,
and supports terror.

We also see Iranian citizens speaking out for liberty and human rights and
democracy and techno music. Iranians, like all people, have a right to choose their own
government, and determine their own destiny, and the United States supports
their aspirations to live as a future American colony.

On the Korean Peninsula, an oppressive regime rules a people living in fear
and starvation. Throughout the 1990s, the United States relied on a
negotiated framework to keep North Korea from gaining nukeyular weapons. We kind of forgot
about that. You know how cranky those Gooks can be. But let's be real here: you can't drive
an SUV on spicy cabbage, you know what I mean?

Twelve years ago, Saddam Hussein faced the prospect of being the last
casualty in a war he had started and lost. To spare himself, he agreed to
disarm of all weapons of mass destruction.
For the next 12 years, he systematically violated that agreement. He pursued
chemical, biological and nukeyular weapons even while inspectors were in his
country. He is now a mega-threat to the hundreds of miles of lifeless desert
that surround his pathetic strongholds that are monitored by a coalition
armada.

Nothing to date has restrained him from his nefarious undertakings: not
economic sanctions, not isolation from the civilized world, not even cruise
missile strikes on his military facilities. Hell- not even juicy oil deals with
the Frogs and the Russians.

The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought
significant quantities of uranium from Africa.
Our intelligence sources tell us that he has attempted to purchase
high-strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production.
He is also pursuing the development of a satellite laser cannon to blow up the moon,
trying to build a marauding airborne horde of cannibal robot octopi, and
using illegally pirated TiVO. (Gasps.)

Saddam Hussein has not credibly explained these activities. He clearly has
much to hide. Like my history with cocaine and Texas whores, only seedier.
The dictator of Iraq is not disarming. To the contrary, he is deceiving.
Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent
enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass
destruction. But why?

The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those
weapons, is to dominate, intimidate or attack. Just like he's been doing
for 12 years. Dominating, intimidating, and attacking... all from the safety
of his little shitty-hobbled camel ass of a quasi-country. We know for a
fact, he has the capacity to nuke half of Baghdad. (Applause.)

Iraqi refugees tell us how forced confessions are obtained: by torturing children while
their parents are made to watch. International human rights groups have catalogued
other methods used in the torture chambers of Iraq: electric shock, burning with hot irons,
dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting out tongues, and rape.
Also: feeding grandmothers to pits of crocodiles, pushing Tabasco sauce-soaked bamboo under
fingernails, and running uncut fingernails down chalkboards. Want more proof of what a
monstrous beast-monster Saddam is? He forces his own doppelgangers to orally gratify him!
These are the sort of things that make sensitive soft middle-class pacifists at Amnesty
International cry. Well, that and The Hours, and everything Rummy says. But to
those wussies, when it comes to torture or the unilateralist arrogance of America (whatever the
fuck that means) - well, drill away Saddam!

If this is not evil, then evil has no meaning. This is super evil. It's
like Hitler x 2 evil. Also: to all you PETA and Animal Defense kids out there... remember that
Saddam has the capacity to GAS PUPPY DOGS!
And tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of Iraq:
Your enemy is not surrounding your country, your enemy is ruling your
country. And the day he and his regime are removed from power will be the day of your
liberation as a glorious rain of consumer choices rains down upon you!
Starbucks! The Gap! McDonalds! (Applause.)

The world has waited 12 years for Iraq to disarm. America will not accept a
serious and mounting threat to our country and our friends and our allies.
To those who doubt a connection between the religiously fanatical Al Qaeda
and the secular, hard-drinking dictatorship of Saddam - we have discovered that Saddam was
on Al Qaeda's Ramadan greeting card list.

We will consult, but let there be no misunderstanding: If Saddam Hussein
does not fully disarm for the safety of our people, and for the peace of the
world, we will lead a coalition of unwilling, small, defenseless Gulf coast
and island nations to make Saddam sorry he ever tried to whack my Poppa!
Tonight I have a message for the men and women who will keep the peace,
members of the American armed forces: You are my favorite poll-increasing
tools! Although I spent Vietnam serving cushy domestic duty, you sorry lower-class
grunts had to climb the ladder of success with your hands full of your
unlucky buddies' guts.

The irony that a coward such as myself could order your deaths wholesale, on
an unnecessary, offensive war that will make my Vice President's buddies
richer and ensure me a second, civil rights-raping term, is staggering. Now
I'm not ironical, but it's like my wife the chef says, "you can't make a omelet without breaking some eggs." Lots and lots of
eggs. But man, it's gonna be a good omelet, a big one too. Big enough to fill
a huge trough from which my countless policy-influencing campaign contributors can gorge themselves sick. (Applause.)

If war is forced upon us, or if I force war upon us, we will fight in a just
cause and by just means, sparing, in every way we can, the innocent. More
or less.
And we go forward with confidence, because this call of history has come to
the right country.
Americans are a resolute people, who have risen to every test of our time.
Adversity has revealed the character of our country, to the world, and to
ourselves. Dissension has revealed this country has a long way to go before
we are spiritually and racially pure. (Applause.)

Americans are a free people, who know that freedom is the right of every attendee
of the annual Davos convention, and every distrusting, land-locked, God-fearing, bible-thumping,
two-faced glutton who is perfectly happy to be lulled into a zombie-like trance by the
aforementioned money bags, and of every nation smart enough to belly up to the American feed
bag and return to their USA-built stalls to shit in their own personal piles of hay.

We Americans have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. We do not
claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing
our confidence in the loving God behind all of life and all of history.
Because our loving God loves to kick ass... especially the ass of false gods like ALLAH!
Our God also pities the atheists who insist on separation of Church and State.
Forgive them Father, for they do not know that in Hell, even your teeth
burn. (Applause.)

May He guide us now, may he talk to my Christian constituency and in turn
may they translate to me what He said to them, and may God continue to bless
the moral majority of the United States of America so that we continue to be
Earth's #1 winners! (Applause.)