The Bachelor Episode One

So, it may come as a shock to you that I have never watched any Bachelor episode ever . I know. I love reality TV. It’s just there’s like 547 various seasons/spin-offs and I didn’t know where to start. My friends have been asking me to watch it and I’ve been meaning to but like, there’s 100 other trashy shows I’m invested in.

A sure fire way to get me to do anything is competition. I love competing and winning. This is why I watch any sports, shit I don’t even care about, because I love competition. I know, I’m a psycho.

Anyway, so I decided I will watch this season as long as we can do a Bachelor fantasy league. Not just pick who think will win, I’m talking points for activities, losing points, trading, benches, all of it. So I took the time and I made everything and we are drafting tonight to get started next week. We waited an episode because he apparently tells a bunch of girls to hit the road in the first episode. So, now I’m going to semi-live blog my first experience during this episode. I say semi-live because I’m an hour in and it just occurred to me that I should just live blog this shit because I have a lot to say.

Episode 1

These intro’s are the cringiest thing I have ever seen. “Waxing is a lot like love, you have to bare it all”, I want her arrested immediately. Why would any say that, that is so dumb. You wax buttholes. The football dad one? Do everything you can to win, while drawing on a play board? So, everyone is crazy. That’s all that stuck out to me.

They’re getting out of their limos. Who has money for these gowns. I’d have to wear my prom dress and safety pin the back together because it doesn’t fit. Then I would try and save it and say something awful like “These pins represent our love and will always hold us together like the two sides of my 2010 Windsor clearance rack prom dress.”

I wanna drink champagne and watch women in gowns get out of limos making an ass of themselves. Where do I audition? Cows, bicycles, giant paper airplanes, people pulling out condoms and talking about windmills. This is insanity, this is exactly the content I signed up for.

Can I steal you for a sec?

Apparently anyone can say this? Like whenever? It reminds me of when you try to put a kid to bed and then they get out of bed and tell you some off the wall shit, like how one sock is shorter than the other and you need to know immediately. They always come back and interrupt someone else’s time with some useless bullshit lol. I hope someone fist fights someone over it. If you ever come up on my time and ask if you can steal him for a sec, it better be because like the wine has run out. This whole section is useless, he spends 37 seconds with each girl but not all in one chunk because someone has to come steal him for a sec. Except the brown haired Victoria seems really drunk and I like it.

Here we go, first impression rose

Apparently this shit is a big deal. Some guy named Chris dropped it off and everything changed. The game was on. Oh my god, he gave it to Hannah Ann. Queen “can I steal you for a sec” herself. Maybe there’s something to be said for that strategy. Oh, you cant believe you got the first impression rose? Bitch, you interrupted him like 40 times. Mykenna with a Y, slammed that wine and then cried. I love it.

Rose ceremony

This is insane. He is about to send people home after spending 12 seconds with them. I understand the steal you for a sec now. You need all them literal seconds. Wait is it daylight? They waited until the morning? They are wearing gowns in the morning? This is messed up, they all look like they spent the evening drinking wine and crying. I would know, they look like me and all my friends at Sunday brunch. And let me tell you, we would be receiving no roses or future husbands in that state. Victoria P. “Can you guys excuse me?” As the women in front of her create a literal blockade to try and stop her from getting down there. Madison! That’s my name. He’s the guy you’ve been dreaming of marrying your whole life? You’re 22. I don’t ever want to be at a rose ceremony, these girls look ruthless. A rose is the equivalent to everyone knowing you have an immunity idol on survivor. Aka everyone hates you. The last rose. Why is this dude announcing its the last rose, everyone has eyes. Why do they need to take a moment to say goodbyes. They’re all hungover and they don’t know anyone and their likelihood of getting a flat tummy tea sponsorship just tanked. They want to get on that damn airplane and cry into their Pinot Grigio.

Another episode?

I didn’t account for this. Also we get it, Peter is a pilot and had sex in a windmill or something. What is a date card? Why did he say hopefully he’ll see them all at the next ceremony, does someone go home on a date? Oh here comes an airplane. “What does look up mean” like they didn’t just spend the previous 24 hours trying to make pilot puns. Oh my god, 30,000 feet? What on earth? Oh my god, a flashback to her vomiting on the teacup ride at Disney and she’s traumatized and never thrown up in front of a boy before. I’m living for this narrative. The flashback was even in slow motion. Oh no, peter is coming to save her. But she’s never thrown up in front of a boy before!! I wanna skip the group date thing. The copilot thing is annoying. Oh wait, are they competing? An obstacle course? Oh hell yeah, I’m back in. Hannah Ann, oh honey, what is wrong with her. She’s so cringy. Oh Kelley is a cheater during a show that is about dating multiple people at one time? Why is everyone crying.

Kelley, walking back into the wolves. Who want to punch her for cheating. Lol “I’m Really happy you had your time with him”. No the hell you are not.

Another 1-1 date?

Where are they getting all this time? How long are these dates. Omg, the girl who just won the plane date is about to SYFAS (steal you for a sec). Haha that’s ruthless behavior. I cant believe there isn’t more fist fights on this show honestly. This is so classy, but it should be like the Bad Girls Club but with a husband at the end. He’s making out with Kelley again, but didn’t Madison just get a 1-1 date? Where is she at? Victoria P did not throw up all those times to not get that rose. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kelley turns up missing eyebrows in the morning.

Oh here’s Madison. I bet everyone had to take out a second mortgage to afford clothes for this show. I have a pair of J.crew sweatpants that i got from the outlet than I definitely would have packed to go on this show. That’s clearly not enough. He took her to his parents vow renewal???? Hahaha WHAT. I know friends who didn’t get plus ones to other friends weddings, and he’s using this special moment as a first date? ABC had to pay for this renewal, there’s no other reason for this insanity. This show is so ruthless and ballsy, disguised as loving and kind. This cannot be real. I’m so hungry but I cannot move right now. No, you know what? I bet this is completely real. Peter seems like exactly the type of guy who would do this. Bring a stranger to an intimate wedding. Oh she gets a rose, oh and another surprise? Surprises make people want to stab you. Oh my god, she’s partying with his whole family? I’m not joking, its going to be like Agatha Christie in this bitch. Girls are gunna just start disappearing.

What is happening

More dates? More clips of Hannah B without waterproof mascara. This is going to be a jam packed 16 minutes. Does this show ever end? You know how people cant watch the office because Michael Scott gives them such awful second hand embarrassment? Thats how I feel with all of these people. Hannah brown was allowed to pick this date? She’s talking about meeting peter and boning in a windmill? In front of women who want peter to be their husband? That’s so awful lol. Oh my god lol, she’s making them share sex stories in front of a live audience. So group dates are meant to be awful. That’s all I’ve gathered.

Oh shit its her birthday? Oh you’re sad? You thought seeing a bunch of girls compete for your ex-boyfriend was going to be fun? And setting them up on a date? Also she dumped him, so what’s going on? I feel like I chose to watch at a great time, because this is just so weird and chaotic. I love it. I wonder if production makes them wear mascara that isn’t waterproof. Shes dabbing her eyes like maybe its helping lol. There’s no way she’s staying to compete. Someone would burn the house down.

Next week

Crying. So much of it. Everyone is crying. This is so great. I cant wait for next week, and the draft tonight.

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About Me

M a d i s o n S h e l b y

I'm a *whispers* millennial, trying to navigate life with social anxiety, while drinking wine, being sarcastic, and saying cuss words. I love cooking, horror films, and helping people. So, let's help each other through this crazy journey!

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