Chandler : You know who else picked Rachel? Ross, and you know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what? I’m going to get a joke journal. Y’know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.

Monica : That’s a good idea.

Chandler : Yeah!

Monica : Do you know what’s a bad idea?

Chandler : Picking Rachel.

Monica : That’s right. (A noise comes from the living room.) Did you hear something?

Joey : Just being friendly. (He gives Monica a ‘what’s wrong with you?’ look and proceeds to walk behind the counter.)

Rachel : Joey, honey, I don’t think you’re supposed to go back there.

Joey : Nah, it’s okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if they’re in on a secret together.)

Gunther : Don’t wink at me. And put on your apron.

Joey : Okay, but I don’t see you asking any other paying customers to put on aprons.

Monica : Joey, do you work here?

Joey : No.

Customer : Hey, waiter.

Joey : Yeah?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Monica : Joey, what’s going on. What didn’t you tell us you work here?

Joey : It’s kind of embarrassing, y’know. I mean, I was an actor and now I’m a waiter. It’s supposed to go in the other direction.

Chandler : So is your apron. You’re wearing it like a cape.

Joey : I mean, the job’s easy and the money’s good, you know? I guess I’m going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.

Rachel : Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.

Ross : Yeah, why would it be weird? Hey, Joey, can I get some coffee?

Joey : Okay, I guess it doesn’t seem that weird.

Ross : Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still haven’t gotten it.

Joey : See, now it’s weird again.

Chandler : I think it’s great that you work here. You’re going to make a lot of money, and here’s your first tip: Don’t eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.

Rachel : Well, you know what? This is great. Finally, I have someone I can pass on my wisdom too. Let me tell you about a couple of things I learned while working at the coffeehouse. First of all, the customer is always right. (Joey nods.) A smile goes a long way. (Joey smiles) And if anyone is ever rude to you? Sneeze muffin.

Joey : Thanks, Rach. Look, you guys are just terrific. Y’know? Now, how about clearing out of here so I can get some new customers. It’s all about turnover.

Ross : Joey, seriously, can I get my coffee?

Joey : Oh, I’m sorry, Ross. I’ll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I’ll toss in a free muffin.

(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel’s, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]

Rachel : Phoebe. We would like to talk to you for a second.

Phoebe : Okay.

Monica : So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?

Rachel : Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.

Monica : Hah!

Phoebe : That true, I am flaky.

Rachel : So, what, you’re just, you’re just okay with being flaky?

Phoebe : Yeah, totally.

Monica : Well, then, I’m okay with being high maintenance.

Rachel : Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.

Phoebe : That’s great. Good for you guys.

Monica : I am not high maintenance!

Rachel : I am not a pushover!

Phoebe : Who said you were?

Monica and Rachel : You did!

Phoebe : Oh, I’m flaky. I’ll say anything.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is coming back from using the phone.]

Joey : Hey, Gunther. Can you uh, can you cover for me? I just got an audition.

Gunther : No, I’m leaving to get my hair dyed.

Joey : Really?! I like your natural color. Come on man, it’s a great part. Look, check it out. I’m the lead guy’s best friend and I wait for him in this bar and save his seat. Listen-listen. ‘I’m sorry, that seat’s saved.’

Gunther : That’s the whole part?

Joey : Okay, maybe he’s not his best friend, but …

Gunther : Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.

Joey : Oh, man, I could totally get that part. ‘I’m sorry, that seat is taken.’

Patron : Oh, excuse me.

Joey : No, no, I didn’t mean you. But, you believed me, huh?

Patron : I believed you were saving this seat for someone.

Joey : So, you’d hire me, right?

Patron : For what?

Joey : Exactly! All right, everybody, listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.

Customers : Huh? What?

Joey : Yeah, it’s for the kids. To keep the kids off drugs. It’s a very important issue in this month’s Playboy. I’m sure you all read about it.

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Chandler and Ross are both pouting and sitting on the couch.]

Ross : It’s my joke.

Chandler : It’s my joke.

Ross and Chandler : It’s my joke.

Ross : Y’know, I don’t think we’re going to settle this.

Chandler : Let’s have Monica decide.

Ross : Yeah!

Chandler : Yeah!

Ross : Hey Mon.

Chandler : Mon, get out here!

Ross : Monica! (She appears, not sure why she was summoned.)

Chandler : Okay, okay. You have to help us decide whose joke this is.

Monica : Why do I have to decide?

Chandler : Because you’re the only one that can be fair.

Ross : Yeah.

Monica : I can’t be fair. You’re my boyfriend.

Ross : Yeah, but I’m your brother. We’re family. That’s the most important thing in the world.

Ross : We’ll each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truth—me.

Monica : Okay, Chandler, you go first.

Chandler : Okay, I thought of the joke two months ago at lunch with Steve.

Monica : Oh, wait, is he the guy I met at Christmas?

Chandler : Can I finish my story?!

Monica : Do you want me to pick you?!

Ross : See, I would never snap at you like that.

(Chandler motions to Monica that he’ll give her two babies.)

Monica : Continue.

Chandler : So Steve said he had to go to the doctor. And Steve’s doctor’s name is Doctor Muppy. So I said, ‘Doctor Monkey?’ And that is how the whole Doctor Monkey thing came up. (He slams his feet up on the table to emphasize his point.)

Monica : You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and it’s offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldn’t be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!

(Monica leaves the room)

Ross : It’s your joke.

Chandler : Is not.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, she’s lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]

Monica : Hi, Chandler. There you are.

Chandler : Hi, oh hi.

Monica : Hey, it’s Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why don’t you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?

(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)

Chandler : (starts to recite a rehearsed speech) Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. (Pause.) Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and—(He falters and Monica prompts him.)—generosity of spirit.

Rachel : Wow, you know what? That is the best fake speech I think I’ve ever heard.

Phoebe : Really? I’ve heard better.

Monica : Wait, wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.

Chandler : (To Chandler) I’m out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?

Monica : Look, I am not high maintenance. I am not. Chandler!

Chandler : (pauses as he struggles with what he has to say) You’re a little high maintenance.

Monica : Ahhh! You are on my list.

Chandler : I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you.

Monica : (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didn’t even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right you’re off my list.

Chandler : (happily) I’m off the list. (Sits on the couch.)

Monica : (sits next to him) Phoebe, it’s okay that you don’t want me to be your girlfriend because I have the best boyfriend.

Phoebe : (to Monica) Y’know, suddenly I find you very attractive.

(Joey enters.)

Chandler : Hey, buddy boy, how’d the audition go?

Joey : Not good, no. I didn’t get the part, and I lost my job here, so …

Phoebe : Wow! That is a bad audition.

Rachel : How-how did you lose your job here?

Joey : Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.

Rachel : He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you’ve been working here two days? That’s not, that’s not right.

Joey : Yeah, what are ya gonna do?

Rachel : Joey, you can’t let him get away with that. Ya know what, I’m not going to let him get away with that. I’m going to say something to him—No, I really shouldn’t say anything—No, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him…

Gunther : Okay.

Rachel : What?

Gunther : He can have his job back.

Rachel : That’s right, he can have his job back. I’m glad we got that all straightened out. There you go, Joey, you got your job back.

Joey : That’s great. Thanks Rach.

Rachel : Yeah, pretty nice, huh? Now who’s a pushover?

Phoebe : (returning from the bathroom) Rach, you’re in my seat.

Rachel : Oh, I’m sorry. (Gets up and moves.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Chandler’s, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]

Phoebe : Hey, I never got to hear who you guys would pick to be your girlfriend.

Monica : I pick you, Phoebe.

Rachel : Oh, yeah. Definitely you, Pheebs.

Phoebe : Yeah, well, I kinda thought.

(Phoebe gets up from the table, and while her back is turned, Rachel and Monica indicate via sign language that they each would have picked the other.)

(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)

Chandler : Hey.

Rachel : Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?

Ross : No way.

Joey : I’m not answering that.

Chandler : Joey! (Pause as they all stare at him.) No way. I’m not answering that.