Monday, February 25, 2013

Disputing parents divide the pie

When parents
locked in litigation complain to me about legal fees draining their financial
resources, I tell them a story related by Francisco Ingouville in his book, Onthe Same Side.

Two
boys who had received a pie in payment for a job couldn’t agree how to share
it. When their argument turned violent,
an older neighbor stepped in and asked what was going on. After learning what
the argument was about, the neighbor said that what they needed was an
impartial arbitrator, a role he immediately took on. After bringing out a knife
and cutting the pie in two, he inspected the two halves. Concluding that one piece was larger than the
other, he picked up the larger piece and bit off a large portion. He compared the two halves again but now it
was the other half that seemed larger. Without hesitating, he applied the same
strategy to the now larger piece, taking a sizeable bite. But once again, the
half that was too small was now the larger of the two. The two boys, who were
still at odds, stood and watched as their halves grew smaller in turn until
there was nothing left. Yet no one could deny that the neighbor had imparted
justice, since the boys received exactly the same.

Disputing
parents who rely upon third parties to resolve their disputes risk more than financial
resources—their pieces of the pie. They
also lose the opportunity to build a positive working relationship for
co-parenting in the future, to create
novel solutions, to feel pride in a job well done, and to make decisions based
upon their interests rather accept an authority’s decisions based upon their legal
rights.

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About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

Check out this new online divorce service

If you are a married parent living in Texas and are considering divorce, check out a new online service, Negotiated Divorce, for couples who want to conduct their own divorce. Negotiated Divorce was designed by legal, mental health and financial divorce professionals with over 90 years combined experience. Designed to be more than another document service, the site has extensive educational material and easy to follow instructions to help parents make informed agreements about parenting plans, financial issues, and property settlements. Based on a core value that "negotiated solutions are the best solutions," Negotiated Divorceis the only online service that offers extensive multimedia educational material focused exclusively on helping couples learn the skills and tools of negotiating that are so necessary to good agreements. . Check it out.

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

It's a negotiation! Or is it? Watch this lawyer, played by George Clooney, begin settlement discussionsin his client's divorce.

Interests are at the core of every negotiation. Can you identify the landlord's interests in this scene from The Tenant?

One can't succeed without risking failure. Check out these inspirational videos about infamous failures such as Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan if you feel that failure is weighing you down.

I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.