I posted this in the chat room tonight..and was asked to post it up here too. We read this at my face to face meetings, especially when we have a newcomer!

Some great things to remember when living with the family disease of alcoholism.

Do's

Do learn the facts about alcoholism..Do talk to someone who understands alcoholism..Do go to Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, or to an alcoholism center..Do develop an attitude to match the facts..Do take a personal inventory of yourself..Do maintain a healthy emotional atmosphere in your home..Do encourage new interest and activities..Do pass your knowledge of alcoholism on to others..Do seek spiritual help..Do get a sponsor.

Don'ts

Don't preach or lecture..Don't argue with a drunk alcoholic..Don't have a "holier than thou" attitude..Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal..Don't make threats you won't carry out..Don't hide liquor or pour it out..Don't resent the method of recovery..Don't expect immediate contented sobriety..Don't try to protect an alcoholic against alcohol..Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make.

I love that list and the best one for me right now that stood out a mile was,

"Don't be discouraged by the mistakes you make."

Boy have I made some mistakes and boy o boy have I beaten myself up about them and still do, I am taking this list and putting it up on the inside of my wardrobe, cos it's just for me right now and I will read it every morning when I get up and dressed. I need to start the day with FOCUS.

THANK YOU HONEY BUN.

Suzannah

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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.

Thanks for posting that, David. The "don'ts" read like my "to do" list in my former life with my A. Gosh - it's so interesting to read that and now see how sick it all was. I also like the "do" list and have made mental notes of those things. Very eye-opening for me. Thanks again.

Being new to this I have one question. Our son is an alcoholic and is in a rehab right now. We have had to hide our alcohol for many years. How does it help him if we leave it in the open?
Thanks
Gloria

Thank you David for this great list and for your service. After spending a week in close quarters with my family I really used many Al-Anon tools to keep my mouth shut and maintain my sanity. Pretty sure at one time I used all on the don't list not realizing how they only added to the chaos. Hiding or disposing of liquor never helped either as an alcoholic will only find another way to satisfy their need.

My take on that last question is that it's futile to hide the alcoholic's alcohol. I think many of us have thought we could solve the problem just by making his alcohol harder for him to find. Of course unless they're in recovery, making drinking slightly less convenient has no effect on them. If they're in recovery, I think removing obvious temptation is a helpful thing - the same thing as the alcoholic not walking into a bar. Just my thoughts, take what you like and leave the rest. I like the list a lot.

Hi Chloe, In my experience an alcoholic will find a way of getting alcohol regardless of pouring out and hiding it. There will always be money for alcohol and if they can't find the alcohol, they will just get more. We can't change them, their recovery has to come from themselves. Constantly hiding the alcohol or counting the number of cans in the bin (both things I have done in the past) just drove me insane. I have to let it go and accept that he will do what he will do and I work on what I can change in the environment.

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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band

I am new to Al-non. I am hoping through this fellowship that I can find the strength to stop doing the "Don'ts". My partner is currently in a treatment facility and relapsed after a weekend pass home. I am so angry and resentful. I can't even bring myself to talk to her on the phone much less go visit. The treatment centre is an hour away, as a result of the relapse as lost her privileges. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I want to hear, let go of the anger and resentment so I can be a better parent to our 5 and 3 year old

Welcome Lucy I am so sorry to read of the disappointment that you are experiencing . Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. Al-Anon is the recovery program established for families of alcoholics because we too need a program of recovery after living with the disease.

We tend to become angry and frustrated without even knowing it. Al-Anon holds face-to-face meetings in most communities and by attending these meetings, breaking the isolation caused by living with alcoholism, we begin to recover,.The simple tools of living one day at a time, focused on ourselves, and by not reacting but responding, all helped to restore our self-esteem and self-worth. Please search out meetings and keep coming back you're not alone.

My husband relapsed and I found a whisky bottle in his cabinet. Now that I'm reading this list, I did everything wrong. I texted his sister, who bails him out (figuratively and literally) because I was angry and am sick of him lying to everyone. REALLY wish I would have read this post beforehan...

Welcome lovetractor - no need to concern yourself with 'then' - 'now' is what matters. Glad you are here!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I have been looking for a support group who will understand what I'm going through. They don't understand the nature of this illness that is Alcoholism. Most will just ask me to leave. I don't want to and I want to make things work between me and my A. He relapsed last night and I was presented with so many things yesterday. This prompted me to come here after more than a year of being with my A. He's been with AA for 5 years or so, in and out but took it seriously when we got together. It's his 8th month today, my first day in Al-Anon. In those 8 months he relapsed a lot, would go to meetings religiously and would drink at some occasions with 2 or 3 major incidents, 1 of them was when he committed suicide while drunk. I need help for me, him and us.

Fil0...welcome to the MIP family and good on you reaching out for help and support. That is the first display of courage which Is so necessary for changing the things we can as mentioned in the Serenity Prayer.

Your post reminds me of myself when I first got into Al-Anon and would describe "Her" ad-nauseam. And then came the question "So what is it about you"? and I couldn't answer because I was always habitually looking at what she was and wasn't doing and never myself. I didn't know me which was the first suggestion from the program at that time..."Get to know you...the good and the bad" and keep coming back. That is a 4th and 10th step question and endeavor. I love the program and how It works and the fellowship which is open and loving.

Thank you for that clear list. I went to counseling for the first time today to try and deal with my anger with my situation, and the very first thing my counselor suggested was to find the Alanon group online. I live in a very rural area so we don't have any local meetings.
My grandpa also suggested that I join this group a few months ago and I don't know why I didn't listen to him because I already feel like I am learning a little.
I read that list and see all the things I did wrong when dealing with my husband...
He will be seven weeks sober tomorrow but it's still a daily struggle for me to control my anger and resentment. I'm hoping that listening to others in their situations will help me a little bit.

Dorthylynn - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and so glad that you shared...It's not so much what was done that was wrong - when we know better, we try to do better! Sorry that meetings are not nearby - there are online meetings here twice most days! If you look to the top left, you can see the meeting schedule, and a link to the meeting/chat room. Please keep coming back - you are not alone!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Hi Dorothylynn, glad you found us. Your grandpa is really smart! In addition to the online meetings that IamHere suggested, you might also consider telephone meetings through the Al-Anon World Service Office. The schedule is at this link: al-anon.info/MtgSearch/PhoneMeetings.aspx

I'm a newbie and thank you for the list. I have reversed most of the do's and don'ts in my total ignorance. My wife is an alcoholic and no matter how much I love her and want her to change, she will only stop drinking if she wants to. I'm about out of options and I'm making myself sick. If I could handle it, I would join a meeting in real life. But I get very emotional and I know I would break down crying. Not very manly in out society. : (

Welcome to MIP Dalbert - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I do understand all the emotional damage and feelings this disease brings. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers for courage to get out and try a meeting. It is fully OK to cry, speak, not speak, etc. - Al-Anon is a safe place to just be among others who truly understand what it's like to love someone with Alcoholism.

Keep coming back - you are not alone!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene