When Men Are the Victims of Abuse

Don’t believe it happens? Let Ron Mattocks tell you how his wife mentally abused him and how it ruined his social life, his career, and left him ready to commit suicide. Then find out how he turned things around.

I remember exactly what went through my mind at the suggestion that I had been emotionally abused by my now ex-wife. Horseshit. The very idea sounded ludicrous. I had been an all-state athlete, an Infantry Captain, and an accomplished corporate executive—positions that required strength and mental toughness. The only halfway legitimate version of an abusive wife I could conceive was that of a 400-pound woman squashing her rail-thin, hen-pecked husband because he forgot to bring home the extra side of gravy she wanted from KFC—fodder for Jerry Springer, Tyra, and all those talk shows that specialize in bringing off-the-chart social dysfunction to the masses. I don’t think so, girlfriend. I knew who my baby mama was, and I didn’t need a paternity test to prove that the three boys born during eight years of matrimony were mine. On the other hand, I would be quick to admit that our blessed union was anything but.

The longer our marriage lasted the more my wife and I fought. Early on we attributed it to the bumps that come after the honeymoon period—except there never was a honeymoon period to begin with. Still, we rolled with it; during truces, we even joked about how I just needed to learn that timeless truth upon which every successful marriage is built: the husband is always wrong. But it was no laughing matter.

Our arguments got worse, sometimes with me smashing whatever object was nearby—a reaction that, by its virtue, automatically negated my position, valid or not. In time, my anger issues were singled out as the culprit behind all our problems. Oddly enough, I never had any anger issues prior to meeting my wife, a detail that bothered me. Knowing my behavior was considered to be a form of abuse, I was terrified at the prospect of being a monster. That wasn’t me. It had always taken a lot to make me see red, and yet, regardless of my efforts to maintain control, I was throwing more and more glasses against walls. It had to stop; and so, to avoid the slightest hint of conflict, I made sure to back down early and often.

However, even this failed to curb my wife’s growing unhappiness, a sentiment I attributed to her disdain for military life. Being a career Army officer had been my lone dream since childhood, and my bride-to-be knew what she was marrying into when she said “I do.” Yet despite promises to support me, she wasn’t shy in expressing her contempt for my chosen profession, making sure to tack on her prediction that, if forced to choose, I’d pick the Army over our family every time. Not true. And either consciously or subconsciously, I began sabotaging what, until then, had been viewed by my superiors as a very promising future. Shortly thereafter I left active duty—three months prior to September 11.

♦◊♦

In making this choice, I hoped my wife would recognize where my real allegiance lay, and as a result, our marriage would improve. Instead, she claimed that I would only resent her as the reason behind giving up my dream. Things didn’t improve, not even with the rapid promotions I earned, affording my wife the lifestyle she had spoken often of wanting. I sunk into a deep depression and, after another blowup, agreed to seek counseling for anger issues. I felt better having someone to talk to in the form of my therapist; but even so, determining the source of my anger proved to be elusive.

Soon thereafter, I was promoted again, this time to a corporate-level position, a move that created new friction with my wife. She resented that it required me to be more socially active, attending corporate dinners, participating in charity events, and traveling to other parts of the country. Coming home from work, I had to endure several hours of passive-aggressive silence before being forced to talk things out once I had gone to bed.

When she asked if I was ever going to be a man, I answered with my new standard reaction—tears and silence.

These so-called “talks” usually boiled down to her latest item among a growing list of petty criticisms: I hung pictures too high, I made the bed the wrong way, I didn’t put the dishrag in the right place, I folded T-shirts poorly—all things I did to help around the house. Eventually, to avoid these evenings of eggshell-walking, I began staying at the office until I knew she was asleep.

Sex was a rarity. I quipped to my therapist that there were three verifiable encounters that I could recall, and that’s only because they resulted in an equal number of children. On the off chance my wife did act interested, she’d shut off soon after starting. For our anniversary, she decorated the bedroom and wore lingerie, before then going on a diatribe, guilting me with every wrong I had ever committed against her.

Finally, one night I snapped. On top of the marital stresses, there were problems at my job, but my wife didn’t want to hear about it. Instead she wanted to take issue with my emotional unavailability. Months of restrained frustration erupted as I grabbed her and screamed in her face to leave me alone. I was immediately terrified. Until then, I had never laid a hand on anyone. Now I didn’t know who I was anymore. Ashamed, I broke down and left. My wife, in turn, filed a domestic abuse report with the police, thus giving her all the ammunition she needed in proving I alone was to blame for our unhappy marriage.

♦◊♦

A separation ensued, followed by reconciliation—one with a lot of conditions. I increased my therapy sessions, and at my wife’s insistence, allowed myself to be convinced that my anger stemmed from an abusive childhood (even though my life growing up was as stable as they come). Yet somehow my wife managed to twist isolated moments from my youth into a childhood fraught with abuse at the hands of my parents, none of which was remotely true. For almost a year, I agreed to cut off contact with them. Meanwhile, nastier criticisms were levied at me: she chastised my parenting with comments such as “It’s a good thing we didn’t have daughters because you would just fuck them up psychologically.” Other times she’d belittle me as being nothing more than a 14-year-old boy trying to get laid. And when she disgustingly asked if I was ever going to be a man, I answered with my new standard reaction—tears and silence.

After another one-sided argument, I admitted she was too good for me and agreed to move out. But even this did little to alleviate her control over me. When I mentioned I’d be flying to a critical corporate meeting later that week, she waited until I was boarding the plane to inform me that I would be barred from seeing my third son’s birth. This made me an emotional wreck and I performed poorly in front of our CEO. A week later I was demoted.

Thankfully, though, I did get to be there for my son’s delivery—only after she relented, reasoning that not having me there would’ve raised too many questions with the church. I will never forget that day—my wife snoozing in her hospital bed, my wrinkle-skinned son nestled in my arms, and me, slumping to the side, one career ruined, another on the verge—friendless, isolated, emasculated … suicidal.

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I’m a pastor and have 2 daughters and a son,I WANT TO KILL MYSELF….RONS STORY IS THE SAME AS MINE.

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Martin

11 days 2 hours ago

I never knew this existed. I was so naive. My problems and percentage of the blame would make many believe without hesitation that it was all my fault. I would scream and yell and have thrown a glass on the floor as well as punched a door and grabbed her as well as pushed her off of me onto the couch. It wasn’t until I said I’m done after 3 years of counseling that I developed an understanding of narcissism, and realized that she might be full-blown NPD. For anyone struggling, if you have felt a lot of these things,… Read more »

I am currently about to tell my childrens mother, two boys, that I am ready to end our relationship. I just sat through another lecture about how I basically have been the anchor to her existence. This guy who has done her wrong but feels sorry for and continue to put up(supprt me). I battle mentally about what type of person I am. Am I this monster she says I am and if so why wasnt she acting like that a few days ago? But only started when I spoke my mind and spoke up for myself. I do feel… Read more »

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Clinton

24 days 45 minutes ago

I just found the power to leave a abusive relationship I’ve been in for nine years I married her under pressure from her i have quit multiple jobs for her i have two awesome children with her and three wonderful stepchildren i got out for them i found help when I thought there was non this has been the hardest 5days of my life the old me would’ve been back with her by now this is the first time I have ever made plans for myself and im scared as hell of whats coming next but with the help of… Read more »

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David Hale

1 month 1 hour ago

Man readin Ron’s story. Was like had been following me an telling every aspect. Of what I’m going threw now an want to be heard to clear my name. Cuz its been ruined by false reports an false statements. Not married. Jus girlfriend does that matter. I’m at my end an she’s going to push until I can’t control the out come. She’s admit to cpl mural friends to knowing push my buttons to cover up the issues that she is responsible for. An thus shared withbthem I needed him to snap sp he would be wrong. Plz help

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No name

1 month 9 hours ago

I just went through a abusive relationship.
13 years being thrown in jail for nothing
Bankrupt us
Punching me in the face in the middle of he night
Pouring hot coffee over my head in front of kids.
Making us lose the house
Moving homeless people in our house while she threw me in jail
Made me lose all my friends
Sleeping in car
Wife telling kids I’m cheating on her when she’s the one cheating
That’s just a couple things

My son was a victim of emotional abuse. for years. His wife was a narcissist sociopath myself and the rest of the family new there was something wrong with her . Hated the way she treated him . He was with her 15 years . 3 years ago he took his life. he had 6 kids with her ages 2 to 14 now that he is gone I have done a lot of research on on emotional abuse and had a hard time finding help for men . This made me so angry so I did more research and started… Read more »

Thank you, I’m about to lose everything to an emotionally abusive woman. I needed to know I wasn’t crazy

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Adrian

2 months 5 days ago

I just spent the last night sleeping in my car and alternately “confessing” my faults for 10 hours. Poked in the eyes and strangled with a scarf for silently praying for the strength not to end this. Buts this is not the first time an evening has gone like this, it’s been four years, and we have a daughter just shy of two. Thank you for reminding me that this is so far from normal that there isn’t an excuse for it. That it’s proper name is abuse.

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Abusedman

2 months 8 days ago

thank you for this. It is time the world understands what is going on. I was “married” for 7 years to a completely abusive women, physically emotion etc, she did it all. I literally raised my kids from day one, while working a full time job. the only thing she added was beating the crap out of me and making sure she was the center of attention and not my children. she made sure my kids and i could have no contact with family, if we did she would get upset and abuse me. We went to 15 therapists and… Read more »

Any men out there who are in abusive relationships with children, take it from me, get out for your children’s sake! I watched my psychotic mother break my father down in ways I did not think a man could be broken. Infidelity is just the tip of the iceberg. Blatant theft and gambling with family funds left our family destitute even though my father earned a six figure salary. She abused me physically when I was a young boy, and manipulated my father into believing I was making things up until I sat down and talked to him about why… Read more »

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Emily

3 months 27 days ago

Dear Ron, Thank you for giving my ex husband a scapegoat for his behavior and an avenue to smear my character. Regardless of my behavior (which was not abusive according to our marriage counselor – she told me to stand up for myself and quit walking around on eggshells), he is still responsible and accountable for his actions. He now feels justified and absolved of any wrongdoing. He-who-can-find-an-excuse-for-any-behavior is now pulling the wool over another woman’s eyes in search of wife number three. Can you tell her what she’s getting into? I no longer have any semblance of character credibility… Read more »

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Alone

3 months 28 days ago

Hello everyone! So glad I found this! Not alone after all. I too walk on egg shells everyday. Although its getting tougher at work, in the process of being made redundant, its the only place I have some form of peace. Also, starting to have feelings for a colleague who with just her smile as I walk in every morning, it helps me inside. I freak out when its time to go home. I look after 2 kids (8,4) alone until my wife gets home. And when the time nears, I start to panic and quickly assess her state as… Read more »

Dear Alone, You just described my life. Every day when my wife comes home, I go straight into a panic attack. One person shouldn’t have that affect on another…right? If and when I leave the house, depression usually keeps me safe at home, I’m generally accused of trying to get with any woman who I come in contact with, grocery store clerk, wife or girlfriend of a co-worker. I then have to spend hours pleading that I was merely having friendly small talk, as I think people do or should be able to do, when they aren’t staring at their… Read more »

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Bob Eaton

4 months 22 days ago

Thanks for this website. It is a great support group for all the men out there living with abusive women.

My name is Anthony Norwood I am abused husband and I need help buy some type of resource they can look at my evidence and information that I am a victim please help me change my circumstances you can reach me at 678 538 7015 please help

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Aaron

5 months 7 days ago

Thank you for this. I went through 17 yrs of good and bad times, but the last 3, one separated, were Hell. Counselor labeled me and believed her stories and half truths, her family abandoned me, had to move churches, and I’ve lost my two older children for now. I lost my family home with land, still have my career and side business, but all of my career income will go to her for the next 4 yrs. I was labeled the narcissist, sex addict, and was called unmanly by the female counselor in the way I handled being shut… Read more »

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Divorceislikely

4 months 22 days ago

I hear you Aaron. I am beginning the process myself.

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Chloe

5 months 1 day ago

Im on a dv Facebook group i am a female what got me interested in researching men been abused was as i read the stories on the group i get a sneaking suspicous alot of woman are lying. Im so sorry you have been through this i hope your okay im prsying for everyone that the truth be told

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Sid

5 months 13 days ago

Good Day All!

I’m in the same boat I’m in the Marines (a senior rank). Just wish all my fellow mates calm seas in future like I wish for myself. Be happy yourself to keep someone happy. If someone pulls you down just be your self and be happy. One life!

Sid

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Taylor

5 months 14 days ago

I’m experiencing almost the exact same thing. We are at the reconciliation stage after she took me to court to keep me from seeing my daughter. She plays the perfect part in front of people, especially at our church. is it possible to get in contact with the author? It’s really hard to find help without using the internet to cover me.

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Pete

6 months 1 day ago

I am live in the UK and split from my wife just over a month back after 10 years together. It was great at first but gradually over time our marriage starting to fall apart. She has picked at every little thing I have not done right over the years and totally broke my confidence. She has not worked a day in 10 years and as well as our own 2 children I have also paid for and raised her 2 she already had. She has had many failed past relationships and every one of them has ended so badly… Read more »

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husband

7 months 10 days ago

hello everyone I got married 3 years at first she look like the perfect woman nothing look affect her so far always with good aptitude (mood), always so happy. when fight through fight she want to control every part of me. she has depression disorder bipolar or something like that her brain doesn’t work normally. she want to manipulate me. if i don do what she want she cry scream and to get her forgiveness i need to say sorry because is all my fault. just wait for my son grow and go away of her but wile i wait… Read more »

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Stressdad

8 months 11 days ago

I have recently separated from my wife and we were together for 16yrs where I was emotionally, verbally and mentally abused. I had some dark days and are only here because of my beautiful 5yr old son. I can’t bear the thought of him being with her (she has 50/50 custody) and I have had caught her screaming at him while he was terrified and crying and hitting him over the years, he doesn’t get to be a real kid around her. My physiologist believes she has borderline personality disorder and suggested the book “walking on egg shells” which I… Read more »

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Sean

7 months 13 days ago

I think i am going through same thing. My wife and her family are abusive towards me. Her sister is even willing to lie to get me in trouble with police and my wife even says she will overdose and blame me if i dont do as she says. I am still in it for my young son but dont know how much longer i can keep going. My health, looks, stress, are now at a downfall. I feel like I am a hostage and trapped. Divorce is the worst thing to happen to a child. I am also being… Read more »

My friends can hardly recognize who I am anymore. I mean I have been in a relationship for several years, with a creature from the JRR Tolkien series Lord of the rings. He was that character that had two face Spiegel and Gollum. Oh my God why is it so hard to WALK AWAY, can someone tell me. I’m loosing my own identity.

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Michael O'Keefe

9 months 15 days ago

I’m turning 59 and have been divorced for over 25 years from the abusive women and I’m just hearing stories from my son recently of her punching my son in the face when he was about 8yrs old, I’m finally getting help and believe it or not, I just now have found this website…I need help lots, of it but I decided to “take the bull by the horns and I’m fighting for my life back and plan on using the court system to do so to expose her abuse and lies over decades of abuse. It continues to this… Read more »

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T is abused

9 months 23 days ago

This meant a lot to me. After three marraige counselors who tried to tell my “wife” about how she was acting (she refused to continue with them), we started with one she liked who just reiterated I was playing the victim. Was not playing….I was the victim. Thank you for your story.

Due to I am in a trial seperation. Trying to understand, won’t say who I am. 3 kids I can’t lose.