Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Paris Hilton: Creative Goddess Of 2014

Where to begin?

Normally I’d post the link to what I’m talking about, but
I’m not going to because I’m a good person, and I don’t want to give your
computer herpes, so what I’ll do instead is just narrate via frame grabs.

This week’s subject is, as you know from the title, Paris Hilton,
father of modern civility, but because I don’t like to be rude, we’re not going
to make fun of her specifically, however we are going to make fun of the awful
“music” “video” she made, so buckle up, sit back, make sure your tray tables
are up and in their locked position, and enjoy the ride.

First things first, let’s take a look at the eloquent prose
that comprise the lyrics of this beautiful libretto. I did everyone a favor by summarizing it into one verse, however since she just sings the same thing over and over again, you can just multiply by whatever number you want, and that's the entirety of the song. You can quickly see how she's tapped into the creative process to unleash some eardrum rupturing chaos.

I'm having a
dream

You make me
smile

You make me
dream

You make me feel
alive

You make me
dance

You make me feel
it

You make me come
to life

You make me come
alive

You make me feel
alive

You make me come
alive

You make me come
alive

Come here dream
girl

You make me
smile

You make me
dream

You make me feel
alive

You make me
dance

You make me feel
it

You make me come
to life

You make me come
alive

You make me feel
alive

You make me come
alive

You make me come
alive

Here's my heart

You make me
smile

You make me
dream

You make me feel
alive

You make me
dance

You make me feel
it

You make me come
to life

You make me come
alive

You make me feel
alive

You make me come
alive

You make me come
alive

(this is my favorite word of the whole song because it's literally used 16 times)

She’s no Stephanie
Meyers, but I have to give her credit for recycling. Now that we've wrapped our minds around the complex nature of her lyrics, let's take a gander at the amazing cinematography. It's something Christopher Nolan could get behind, for sure.

It opens with her in a field. Obviously it opens in a field. Why would it open in any other location?

Then she’s kind of “singing” some of her really good lyrics. This goes on for quite some time. Far longer then it should have.

Then they show her in a giant pile of cotton candy. I don't know why they chose cotton candy. Maybe it was something to do with representing childhood innocence or virginity.

Then she’s like “wasssuuuuuuuuuup”. And we see that she is not wearing a bald wig with a bowl on her head, but that it's just her normal hair.

Then she stops singing and starts making train noises. This part really threw me off because I wasn't sure how they were going to tie it in with the rest of the piece. At first, I expected the tie in to come later, but when the piece finished, I realized that this might have been a shot where the editor, who was obviously high on methamphetamine, accidentally forgot where he was and what he was doing and inserted something that just didn't quite make sense. I don't fault him though, because being high on meth would be the only way to actually cope with what you were doing.

Here the director decides to introduce the swing. Now the swing plays a critical role in telling the story of why she feels alive, so keep an eye out for more swing.

More swing. Very critical.

The introduction of the horse character is a very important turning point in the video. The horse, who I think represents struggle in the face of evil, is the most important character in the whole piece, and hopefully the character that got paid the most because the level of acting from the horse was far superior to all other characters in this video.

Here we see an example of the struggle in the face of evil. Look at the emotion from that long face, now compare it to the look of desperation on the horse. You can see that the horse is clearly operating at an Oscar level.

It closes with two Paris’. One is rubbing her neck because she’s tired, and the other is just being a giant floating Paris head in an endless sea of childhood innocence. Because if I was going to make a Paris Hliton music video, that's how I would end it.

After watching this video, and picking my brain up off the
floor, I have to imagine that the people who edited this piece together are now dead, which is too bad. Was it worth the sacrifice? We'll never know, I guess.To be perfectly honest with you, this isn't the worst thing i've ever seen, however it is the worst thing i've seen in a while, and I was in a bad mood, so I decided to make fun of it. It was pretty easy though, you know, with the swing, and the horse, and Paris Hilton, and the bad ideas, and pretty much the whole thing. It was like shooting a barrel full of monkeys. I couldn't not do it.Anyway, hopefully, this video inspires tons of other videographers and directors who are thinking, "I could do something way better than that", to get after it do something way better than that. And remember. . . . This is a good example of what making videos high on meth looks like, so don't do meth.

Ps, I tried to think of a joke about the horse with unicorn
horn glued to his head, and how maybe it was glue that was made from his father
or something, but it just didn’t fit, but I still wanted credit for making the connection.