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The Vent Magazine 361-549-6213

Wake Up & Take It Like A Kid

by William Henneberger

By now we are all familiar
with Youtube sensation Judge
William Adams. He won over our
hearts with his viral “Beat Your
Daughter Style” video. Its one of
those videos that is so annoying,
but you just can’t get it out of your
head. I find myself quoting it from
time to time when I’m beating on
handicapped kids. My favorite part
is when the back-up singer (A.K.A.
Mom), is like “Take it like a grown
woman”.
And who can forget the
Judge’s hook, “Lay down, or I’ll spank
you in the f***ing face”. Why, oh
why, didn’t he use his gavel instead
of a belt… That for sure would have
pushed it past the 100 million mark.
I have to digress here…

My original purpose with

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this piece was to make a
mockery of this terrible event,
in the hopes that it would
drive a few of you to realize
the dreadfulness of the whole
situation. That’s called satire
by the way.
As my deadline comes
and goes, and I hear myself
getting after my daughter for
not allowing me to focus, I
can’t help but think about what kind
of awful, less than human person it
takes to give their child that kind of
beating, not to mention the verbal
abuse.
Let us all be clear here,
the issue was not whether or not
it was child abuse. It was. It just
so happened there is a statute
of limitations on child abuse.
Therefore, the dishonorable Judge
Adams could only be disciplined by

a judicial committee, which seemed
more concerned with his treatment
of attorneys in his court, than his
brutal child beating.
I could go on forever about
what a dickhead this guy is, but I’ll
wait until reelection time.

As for the question that is
on all of your minds… The answer is
Yes… someone has made a remix of
the beating video. V

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and is not intended for readers
under 18 years of age. The Vent
uses invented names in all of its
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public figures are being satirized.
Any other use of real names is
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Letters to the Santa
Dear Santa,
My name is Sara and I am 6 years
old. I have lots of toys so this year
I’m not asking for anything for
me. I just want one present for my
mommy. I don’t know what it is but
she really wants it. I think its called
a DERVORSE. She is always yelling
at daddy about how she wants one
and she wants it now. And it makes
her really mad that she doesn’t have
one yet. I think I will be so happy for
my mommy to finally get a dervorse
then maybe everything will be okay
for all of us.
Thanks Santa
Sara
Attn. North Pole
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to inform you that I am
sickened by the corporate culture
that you and your “Christmas”
Holiday have forced upon children.
Are you aware that while you are
delivering gifts, right under Rudolf’s
red nose, children in Africa are
being forced to slaughter their
own families on behalf of ruthless
militant leaders… Is there an action
figure set for that, Santa? Or how
about the South American children
who don’t have clean water to drink.
This year Santa, I want you to deal
with these issues immediately! That
is all I want this year. Buuuuuuut, if
you can’t do this, then I will take a 14
foot trampoline instead.
Jennifer, 6 years old

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Dear Jesus,
First let me say happy birthday.
Secondly, if you see Santa can you tell
him I would like a Justin Bieber Doll,
the one that sings the same two lines
over and over. He is my absolute idol!
I worship him soooo much. I can’t
think of anyone who has given me so
much happiness, or given so much
to the world. I mean really he is like
the greatest person to ever walk
this earth. Also, tell him to bring me
a Justin Bieber full size cardboard
cut-out… he is so awesome. Before I
heard him sing, I felt like life wasn’t
even worth living, but I heard his
words and I was saved. It’s like he is
my personal savior. Anyway, Justin’s
birthday is March 1st, incase you
want to get him something.
Merry Bieber-Mas,
Susan, 37 years old

Dear Santa,
I’m so confused about what I would
like under my tree this December.
I guess if you put a gun to my head
I would have to ask for a nice new
vest, maybe something with some
weight to it, lined with C4. NO WAIT!
Forget that, can you just bring me
a new shirt, one of those American
flag shirts. Yeah, that would be great.
Then again, my prayer mat is getting
pretty worn out, we Muslims have
to pray a lot you know. Do you make
prayer mats Santa? You know what,
can you just send me an iPad mini.
Nicholas Brody

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Scabby on Winter

It’s another sunny December in Corpus
Christi, and the girls and I are out in full swing. It’s
easy to take for granted the almost year-round
prostitution weather we get here in South Texas. In
some part of the country, we ladies of the night have
to suffer through long freezing winters. Believe me,
you do not want fellatio from a girl whose teeth are
chattering from the cold.
Still, we do get the occasional drop in
temperature, and it’s important to keep warm when
you’re on the street between Johns.
Unfortunately in our profession we cant afford to cover up the
merchandise simply to stay warm or alive, so any kind of coat or even sweater
has to be off limits. If you are feeling chilly or dying, you can coat your body in KY
Jelly. This can be costly, so feel free to use one of your normal lube substitutions
like fresh blood or motor oil.
Here is a trick I picked up (not that kind of trick) a few years back.
Keeping blood flowing is essential so you have to keep moving. A 9-volt battery
in your cooter will keep you going like the energizer bunny. Just remember to
remove it before sex or your client might not be too happy. Warning; if you do
this too often, you will become immune to its effects. After a couple of decades
you might require 8 D batteries like I do.
Lastly, some people will turn to alcohol or even drugs to give them that
warm feeling, but remember girls, you’re on duty and you’ve got to stay sharp or
you might end up giving back the wrong change or swallowing something you
weren’t paid to swallow. Stick to coffee, when injected directly into the blood
stream its all you need to keep your temperature above corpse level. V

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Area Group Works to Ban Plastic Bags
and Minorities
by William Henneberger
Citizens throughout
Corpus Christi have gathered
recently in a remarkable
effort to keep area beaches
clean. The charge was
originally started by local
environmentalists, but has
recently been overtaken by
retired conservative radio
personality and Tea Party
advocate, Eric von Wade.

bags and brown people. The
statute has been supported
by everyone from the local
chapter of the KKK, to Corpus
Christi’s vast population of
generally racist old people.

He continued, “A beach ban
is just the first step toward
a city-wide ban of these ugly,
stupid pieces of worthless
trash as well as the plastic
bags.”

While
several
leaders
have
In a statement read minority
the
statute,
before the council von protested
Wade said, “We believe the others in the community
beach should be a safe and have been lackluster in
clean environment where their opposition to the plan,
The group has since people aren’t forced to see stating that, “While [they]
introduced the Beach Purity disgusting Wal-Mart bags or are vehemently against any
Act before city council, HEB bags, or black people, kind of discrimination… they
which stresses the benefits or Family Dollar bags, or wouldn’t mind seeing the
of a coastline free off plastic Family Dollar customers.” beaches a little cleaner.” V
In July of this year my
husband and I were living in San
Antonio and were making plans
for our future. My husband,
being a recent grad student,
took a job in Houston while
I
put in my notice at the youth
shelter that employed me. We
were eager for this new chapter
of our lives to begin. But life has
a way of re-writing our story.
On August of 2012 my
kidney transplant of 15 years
failed. We had no other option
but to leave our careers and move to Robstown for family
support. I have been receiving dialysis treatment three days a
week since my one kidney stopped working. The good news
is that my husband is a perfect match as a kidney donor. Soon
we will be going into surgery with a recovery time of 2 months.
This life transition has been a challenge both physically and
economically.
It may not have been the story we expected, but it is one
of hope and one I want to tell.
To assist Shelly and James with financial support please
call 210-213-9496.

Disembowelment Fest Recap – Wish You
by Julia Arredondo
Were There…
In the case that
anyone was too tired or too
broke to head bang for three
drunken days at the first
annual
Disembowelment
Fest, I caught up with
festival organizer Robert
Hernandez who agreed
to recap festival events
that occurred between
November 16th and 18th
of 2012. Concentrating
predominantly
on
out
of town death metal,
Disembowelment
Fest
gathered over 40 metal
bands to share the stage at
Corpus Christi’s latest hot

spot venue, Diana’s Place.
Originally from Key
West, Hernandez spent the
majority of his life and heavy
metal career in Corpus
Christi but now travels
frequently along with his
black metal band, Xapharon.
Planning to execute the
next Disembowelment Fest
in six months, Hernandez
offers Corpus Christi an
alternative to the growing
garage rock phenomena
and another chance at heavy
metal redemption for those,
like myself, who wussed out
on the first installment of

Disembowelment Fest.

Julia Arredondo: How and
why did Disembowelment
Fest happen?
Robert Hernandez: I really
just wanted to throw a show
with a band from Austin
and ended up hearing from
about 20 bands who wanted
to play. So I said fuck it
and just threw a festival. It
wasn’t that difficult because
we tour a lot so we just
asked a bunch of bands we
know from the road to come
down and play.
JA: This guy on the bus
said someone fell asleep
on stage while a band was
playing. What crazy stuff
happened?
RH: I was all over the
place during the festival
and didn’t really get to
see much of anything.
Honestly, Disembowelment
Fest actually happening
was pretty crazy and then
we made the fuckin’ news.
There were over 40 bands,
none of us got paid, and
no one bitched about it.
We all return the favors
for each other’s bands,
and everything worked out
pretty well.
JA: Why did you start
booking at Diana’s Place?
RH: Diana Sauceda meets
me 100 percent at every

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11

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show and we never have an issue
on anything. I paid almost about
two grand on Disembowelment
Fest and Diana helped out with
everything. If it wasn’t for her this
wouldn’t have happened and
we would have been financially
fucked without her.
JA: How was turnout?
RH: It was better than I expected.
We had around 500 people
over the course of three days
and that’s not bad considering
it cost $10 per person. My main
objective for doing this is to
bring bands that no one in town
ever gets to see. We meet a
ton of bands on the road and
I brought down the heaviest
ones I know of. Six months from
now, Disembowelment Fest will

still strictly be death and black
metal, maybe we’ll have more
grind or something like that.
JA: How is Mortuary Records
affiliated with Disembowelment
Fest?
RH:
Mortuary
Records
presented the festival and I’ve
been running the label for about
five years now. I not only book
metal shows with Mortuary
Records, I book rap shows too.
JA: Any shout-outs?
RH: Funeral Rights kicked ass.
Goatwhore kicked ass. All the
bands were incredible. I want
to thank the people who helped
out during Disembowelment
Fest including George Elizondo
with Grotesque Promotions
and Sid Jimbe Art in Indonesia
for the artwork.
JA: So after all is said and done,
how do you feel about Corpus
Christi’s music scene?
RH: The music is getting
heavier and more technical
and sometimes there are good
shows and sometimes there
are bad shows. The music
scene here is not what it was
ten years ago but there are a
lot of good bands including
Greedy Mouth and Mutation.
Bands need to get their names
out there and by getting the
scene to work together, we can
help each other out. V
Find more information by
visiting the Disembowelment
Fest Facebook page.

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Me The People... “Beating A Dead Horse’s Ass”

As I have stated in previous
columns, I am a criminal defense
attorney. Let me give you a
scenario that walks into my office
on a not too regular basis. My
client comes in and tells me that he
is charged with assault. Not just
assault, assault of a 16-year-old
girl in her own bedroom. He tells
me he yelled at her and beat her
with a belt until she was a crying
mess on her bed. Worse, he tells
me that the girl that he assaulted
suffers from cerebral palsy. And
just as a kicker, he got his wife in
on this, who he also verbally and
physically abuses. Also, there is a
video of the entire incident.
I
would
tell
this
hypothetical client that he is
probably screwed and will likely
be seeing the inside of a jail cell
for several years. That is, unless

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his name was Judge William
Adams. If you are Judge William
Adams and you do all the things
I’ve described above, you get your
seat back in Aransas County Court
at Law and are given an official
public warning after being off the
bench for an entire year.
Now, I will clear up any
misconceptions about what I just
wrote. In no way did Judge Adams
use his official powers to keep this
case hidden or get it thrown out of
court of anything unethical along
those lines. He was not criminally
charged because the statute of
limitations had run and he could
not be charged.
What he did face is the
Texas State Commission on
Judicial Conduct. Finally, Justice,
you may be thinking. After his
daughter released the video of

by Kyle Hoelscher

him and his wife beating her with
a belt, he was suspended and the
Commission did a full review.
What did this Commission come
back with? They issued a public
warning on his conduct.
You might be appalled by
this, as you should. Something
that might put an average person
in prison only leads to a public
warning if you are a Judge. A
public warning is not even a formal
reprimand (which itself is a slap
on the wrist), and it is still two
steps below a recommendation to
remove him from the bench.

accountable for their actions,
while regular citizens are forcibly
jailed for the same conduct. What
should concern you further, is
that Judge Adams’s caseload
included family law. You read
that correctly, he presides over
cases that involve child abuse. He
decides when corporal punishment
at home is too severe. He decides
if people keep custody of children
in abusive households.
How reliable are his
judgments when he abuses his
own daughter and wife? Not
very reliable says Howard
Baldwin, Texas Commissioner
I have a link at the bottom of the Department of Family and
of this article if you would like to Protective Services. Mr. Baldwin
read the public warning.
directed Aransas County Attorney
Richard Bianchi to prevent Adams
It should deeply concern you from hearing Child Protective
that public figures are not held Services cases. All CPS cases in

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Aransas County will now
be filed in a district court. However,
that is nothing more than a BandAid on a lash contusion.
The fact is that he will
remain on the bench until he is
up for election in 2014. The only
disgust that can remove him from
the bench is the public’s. The
public must remain cognizant of
Judge Adams’s conduct. My fear is
that the people’s outrage will only
last as long as the news cycle. I’m
concerned that when 2014 rolls
around, the headlines will have
died down and since it’s a midterm
election, few people will show up
to the polls and Judge Adams will
be voted back in office.
I don’t live in Aransas
County I have never even practiced
in that county. If I did, I might not
be so inclined to write an article
about Judge Adams. Since I am
safely in a neighboring county, I
can afford my outrage, not just at
the Judge, but also at a system that
protects people in power, regardless
of their actions.
Our justice system is set
up to stop abuse in the home. Our
justice system takes domestic
violence extremely seriously.
Before this incident, I assumed that

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the days of a public official beating
his wife and daughter were gone. I
thought that a public official could
not sweep something like that under
the rug as easily as he could 50
years ago. And maybe that’s true.
Perhaps 50 years ago, there would
have been no official inquiry, but
what was the point of the inquiry?
He was not removed. His
pay was not decreased. He suffered
no actual punishment. He was
paid for the entire year he was on
suspension. He returns to his bench
with the same honor and dignity,
which is afforded to all Judges. If
that is not being swept under the
rug, I do not know what is.
Pomp and circumstance
does not replace substance. If our
system cannot punish this Judge,
if it cannot punish in a case where
the evidence is so glaring and so
abundant, then we do not have
an effective system for punishing
our officials. I hope to see Judge
Adams kicked out of office in 2014,
just as I would like to see any public
official in his situation be kicked
out of office. V
For a full text of his public warning,
go to this site:
http://tinyurl.com/boxea8q