Our Babies, Our Selves. Our Tired, Tired Selves.

I’ve recently become well acquainted with the various theories of how to get a baby to please, for the love of God, sleep through the night. The best of them seem to boil down to five rules that are good to bear in mind for us all, really.

“Lemme hear you say…! Uhhh… hoo boy. Man, I’m just… so sleepy. I’m just gonna… lie down for a second…”

1. Don’t fall asleep eating or rocking. If you’re falling asleep while rockin’, you’re not really doing it right. And falling asleep eating is just kind of sad.

2. If you see someone who is not in distress, but is sitting on the ground or in your bed shrieking: Reassure them that they are loved and that everything’s okay. Then – and this is important – walk away. Do not attempt to physically engage them.

3. Establish a nighttime routine and stick to it. Maybe a little snack and something to read. Your sleep will not be helped by erratic, late nights of over-stimulation; or by jumping in bed while weeping, cranky, and/or yelling at people.

4. All people wake at the end of the 90-minute sleep cycles. It is unnecessary to loudly demand that everyone pay attention to you every time you rouse from slumber.

5. Avoid falling asleep with a bottle in your mouth.

See? At least have the dignity to find a glass.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

60 Comments on “Our Babies, Our Selves. Our Tired, Tired Selves.”

The Byronic Man,
A subject I know very well, as I haven’t been sleeping for the last 1177 days. And counting… I love my daughter. Even when she says: I want to cut your eyes. Or to her mom: I want to hurt you. When I sleep, I do with only one eye closed.

And I was annoyed when my cat woke me up four times one night by sniffing my eyelids. At least she wasn’t screaming. And she’ll never learn to speak, so I got that going for me. Good luck, Byronic Parents! 🙂

Oh, Lordy, I love Simon’s Cat. My Henry prefers to paw at the closet door, which is a little loose, for the loudest percussive beat, then come sit on my head. He’s fine with me taking naps in the day, though, so I think cats are still a better bargain than babies.

Some kids react differently to the Benedryl. The older two would fall asleep soon after taking it. My youngest, however, is wound up for two hours after we drug… er give him his necessary, recommended dose. Once those two hours pass though, he’s out!

I have a comic cut out and stuck to my fridge that shows a harried father holding a baby that says, “One day, you’ll be a teenager and want to sleep all the time. Then. Then I’ll have my revenge.” It’s what kept me going through those sleepless zombie stages.

I’ll try to leave you a coherent comment but I’m also severely sleep deprived due to my daughter insisting on waking me up every 2 hours to tell me she wants some crackers. Reminds me of what Jim Gaffigan said on twitter the other day, “the hardest part of parenting is when I’m with my kids”.

Yes, they do. Truthfully, I’m sure he will never be a sleeper, even as a teen. He just wakes with the sun, goes to bed late. It’s not his thing. It was a blessing when he learned to read a chapter book and we could say, “Go read!” But most kids are not like him. And getting him up for school is a breeze.

My cat, who is only still alive because she’s personality-plus, used to use our newborns’ brief sleep intervals as her own chance to wake us up. Have you tried throwing the cat into the baby’s room and letting them duke it out with the wake ups?

It does sound kind of fun, doesn’t it? When you wake up in the night? “I HAVE TO ROLL OVER BECAUSE IT’S NO LONGER COMFORTABLE ON THIS SIDE! MY ARM IS SLIGHTLY ASLEEP! I HAVE TO PEE! BUT I’M NOT SURE IF IT’S BAD ENOUGH TO GET UP! MY ALLERGIES ARE BOTHERING ME A LITTLE! MY PILLOW IS TOO HOT! NO, I DON’T THINK I’LL GET UP AND PEE! BUT I SHOULD BLOW MY NOSE BECAUSE OF MY ALLERGIES!”

There are all kinds of people who give you hope, encourage you but at this moment, it just seems like an impossible future! Keep up the supportive and loving marriage together you will overcome this and all life will handle you as parents!

Have you seen that book Go The F**K to Sleep that is a book for adults, yet written like a night time book and narrated by Samuel L. Jackson? It’s friggin’ hilarious. Of course, it’s really talking about kids a little bit older, but still the concept is there. Sometimes you just wish they would go the fuck to sleep.