John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Whether or not the perpetrator is ever caught and punished, you must get yourself out of your emotional jail. (Poblishec 09/29/2015)

Q:

How do I get over the death of my brother? It has been 5 years, and everyday is still really hard. There has been no closure because the person that killed him is still out there.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your note and question.

We’ve known of many people who went on a mission to make sure the perpetrator got caught and punished, but then were devastated when that didn’t give them the “closure” they sought.

In part, that’s because the legal proceedings and punishment of the perpetrator, do almost nothing to help you deal with the biggest issue – that someone important to you has died.

At Grief Recovery, we don’t use the word or idea of closure. Instead we help people become emotionally complete with their person who died, rather than leaving them focused on the perpetrator.

None of what we’re saying is meant to diminish or overlook the fact that your brother was murdered, nor that the person who did it has not been punished and is still out there, free.

The most important thing for you is to work on becoming emotionally complete with your brother who died.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. You will begin to have a sense of completion and you’ll will be able to retake a productive place in your life and not feel as if every day is so hard.