Phil! Shocked by Those High Gas Prices?

The Luppertazzi Family is saddened to announce the untimely passing of Phillip Leotardo (nee Leonardo) from lead poisoning this Sunday night. Mr. Leotardo, known to his friends as "The Shah of Iran," had been in the advanced stages of this highly contagious disease for the past few months, despite some promise of recovery following his coronary last year. It seems that Mr. Leotardo had developed a malignant vendetta arising from his inability to compromise, no matter how many grilled cheese sandwiches and tissues he had in prison. Last week, the vendetta grew irregular around the margins and is said to have been linked to similar strains of lead poisoning affecting his business associates Robert "Bobby Baccala" Baccalieri and Silvio Dante, both of New Jersey. Mr. Leotardo's final words were privately directed to members of a "glorified crew," perhaps some angels he envisioned at the end.

Mr. Leotardo was an avid student of history and art, having recently attended the gala opening of the genre film Cleaver , starring Daniel Baldwin. He was well-known for his lectures to his family about the importance of symbolism (gun and sword on the table) and his wry references to his own genitals. His wife shared his social views and is herself is famous for her recently literary criticism of the works of novelist Dan Brown. Never a champion of human rights, Mr. Leotardo frequently earned the ire of the gay community. Indeed, he also lost the support of the billiard-playing community for unsportsmanlike behavior.

Mr. Leotardo is survived by several goons, a toothless henchman, some bratty kids, a clueless wife, and Nancy Sinatra. Thankfully, he is also survived by the fine actor Frank Vincent (http://www.frankvincent.com) who stayed loyal to him until the end. (Mr. Vincent was raised in the Greenville section of Jersey City.) Mr. Vincent, a man that Martin Scorcese calls "someone I can count on to deliver," is the author of A Guy's Guide to Being a Man's Man. Mr. Leotardo was an infrequent communicant at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows Church. Funeral services will be held at an undisclosed location. Donations in memory of Mr. Leotardo should be sent to the Ellis Island Foundation.