My Reflection

The mirror sits idly in the bathroom taunting me, mocking me. I want to look, I want to see myself, my whole self, but often I can’t bare to look.

What I should see is the woman who graduated near the top of her high school class, to attend an awesome first tier school, to attend a great first tier law school.

What I should see is the woman who found out she was pregnant before her third year of law school, finished law school anyway, then lost my second son a couple years later and didn’t die completely inside.

What I should see is the woman who managed to work multiple jobs throughout most of this time, while managing to stay in school, never skipping a beat.

What I should see is the woman who married her love, gave birth to two more children, both beautiful daughters, and have three happy and healthy children.

What I should see is the woman who has almost made it a decade under her belt as a wife when people are getting married and divorced every day, and has a husband who cares enough about the relationship that he wants to work on it.

What I should see is the beautiful, intelligent woman that people always tell me that I am, and stand in my strengths and positivity.

Instead, when I look in the mirror…

I see a woman who could’ve gone to better schools, worked harder and achieved more by this point in her life.

I see a woman who didn’t pass the bar, thus barely has an income to pay back the mounting debt.

I see a woman who wasn’t smart enough to save or invest appropriately, so all of that extra work meant nothing.

I see a woman who’s body was stretched and deflated, leaving scars, streaks and loose skin, which can only be repaired by intensive surgery and treatments.

I see a woman who’s not good enough for her husband, one who’s undeserving of his love, no matter what she does.

I see a woman who’s inadequate, who goes through bouts of depression and struggles with feeling overwhelmed.

So I don’t look in the mirror…

I avoid it like the plague.

Catching a glimpse is hard, because it doesn’t reflect the picture of myself that I’ve been holding on to in my head. It’s a hard look of who I am today.

The look of all that I have been through and all that I know I can be.

The look of the shortfalls and the possibilities.

The look of the good and the bad.

The look of unfulfilled potential.

But I know it’s there…

Every day, I take steps because I know there’s more.

I know I’m a writer.

I know I’m an author.

I know that I’m a mother.

I know that I’m a wife.

The mirror is always there…

Showing the truth.

The truth is that I’m an ever-evolving, growing woman, who is learning to be a better me every day.

What do you see in the mirror?

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. This week’s sentence is “When I look in a mirror…” Your hosts: Kristi (FindingNinee.com) and me, this week’s sentence thinker-upper, April Noelle.

Finish the Sentence Friday is a link-up where writers and bloggers come together to share their themselves with a particular sentence. If you’d like to stay ahead of future sentences and participate, join our Facebook group. Link up your sentence prompts below!

April I feel you! Now I’m am going to direct you to the best self-help post ever. Chris Carter wrote it and shared it with the first FTSF of the year. It’s titled Worthy. I know comments don’t like links but go to Chris’ page themomcafe(dot)com and look for Worthy around the first week of January. I promise you that after reading her post, looking it the mirror you will get a clearer reflection of how worthy you are to add to that glowing, growing reflection you already see.

come on! (excellent post, this)…. you guys (behind the curtain at FTSF) are remarkable in the crafting of prompts that not only cause us to reveal (and perhaps understand) more of ourselves than we did, say, on Thursday. But the spirit evoked is of such a positive nature that we don’t even mind,

Oh we are so HARD on ourselves, aren’t we? I mean LOOK at all you have achieved and the strength and courage it took to get where you are now! I see an amazing woman, when I look into ‘your mirror’. Keep holding on to THAT truth.

I believe we are all THIS –> “The truth is that I’m an ever-evolving, growing woman, who is learning to be a better me every day.”

Oh April. It’s much too easy to see the negative, isn’t it? Sigh. I love the ending — here’s to learning to be better every day. And to remembering all that we’ve accomplished rather than all that we haven’t. Thanks so very much for hosting with me this week – it’s a GREAT sentence. xo

Hey April – first, thanks for the prompt this week. It was really deep, and just scooting around the hop, I can see it’s brought some pretty big stuff to the surface.

As to your post, it’s so easy to see the duality of ourselves in the mirror, and in the time we spend contemplating our faces and decisions in the context of our today. But something I’d like to contest, because I think it matters, is where you say you see a woman unworthy of her husband’s love and support. You don’t get to choose that. HE chooses, and he chooses you. He makes you worthy by the very act of his choosing. Which is independent to your worth as a human in your own right – a tough lesson I had to learn through the years my husband decided I was NOT who he chose…it’s a lesson I’m still coming to terms with, but one I hope you don’t mind me butting in to share.

It sure is! Your post is the perfect example of how we never know what’s going on inside somebody else. I might see you out and about and think you got it all going on because maybe you ooze confidence on the outside. But inside, we’re all probably more alike that we think, doubting, questioning, saying to ourselves “if only they knew” when others shower us with compliments. The universal dialogue we women have with ourselves it seems.

It’s always wonderful to read about a woman who knows she is loved by her husband, though, despite feeling undeserving of it.

The funny thing is that every time I look at your photos on your website, I think “what a beautiful woman!” Someone who has accomplished so much with her life. None of us can go backwards in time, but I think that you are creating so much love and wonder for your family and yourself as you move forwards with your life. You’re awesome!

Wow, this is really powerful. You’re right; most of us do look in the mirror and see only the negatives instead of all of the things we SHOULD see. I love your honesty here, and the positive twist you put in at the end, reminding all of us to keep evolving and growing. Thank you so much for sharing this bit of inspiration.

April, I think we all have the potential to look in the mirror and see the bad at times, but truth is most definitely that quite a bit of good does indeed exist and couldn’t agree more with you on that.

That last line.. just perfect. I’m glad you see that.
And I feel undeserving of my husband’s love sometimes too. It’s so weird. Like, he’ll look so handsome to me and I’ll almost get sad that I’ll never find anyone as handsome as he is. And then I’m like, “But I don’t need to! I have him and he loves me!”
Nutty stuff.

Robin Masshole Mommy

Elizabeth O.

February 17, 2016

It’s all about keeping this quote in mind, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” That’s really important, because to be honest it’s really just perspective. How you see things. So just choose to see things in a more positive light.

Nikki

This made me cry. What a raw and powerful piece. As women we can be so hard on ourselves to do everything perfect, and even when we do so much we always we think we could have done more. You are an incredibly courageous woman.

tauyanm

Melissa Bernardo

In the mirror I see a strong woman. A widow of almost 2 years. A woman that is almost 29. A mother of 3 kids. I see a woman with a broken heart from the loss of her husband. A woman trying to find her way back. A woman with mixed emotions daily. A woman determined and driven to succeed in life with my passion and to be the best mother I can be. I also see a woman that is scared to live at times and that is alone. I’m trying and that’s all I can do.

The mirror is hard for me too! I am working on the things that I don’t like, that I want to change and working towards something that I would be happy with. It is challenging and hard, but worth it knowing that I can make a difference in something that will make me feel better.

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