Court decides Beck can’t ‘rape and kill’ domain name

The master and his apprentice.

The alleged victim of a rape and murder in 1990 can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing those seeking justice on her behalf will not be silenced by the likes of Glenn Beck any time soon. That’s because the FoxNews show host, and rumored suspect, Glenn Beck lost his lawsuit against Isaac Eiland-Hall over the domain name of his site – glennbeckrapedand murderedayounggirlin1990.com. This decision has made it safe again to ask the question at the heart of the controversy- Did Glenn Beck rape and kill a woman in 1990? And, if he didn’t why hasn’t he denied the allegations?

Due to Beck’s silence on the issue, concerned Americans are no closer to answering the question today than when the story broke back in the beginning of September. The site in question was created almost immediately after news of Beck’s possible involvement in the 1990 rape became public. The site has become the headquarters for concerned citizens devoted to discovering the truth behind the vicious rumor that Glenn Beck raped and killed a woman in 1990. Although Beck has not publicly addressed the allegations, he clearly wants these rumors to go away as evidenced by his botched attempted cover up, which was debunked right here on UnreasonablySafe.com.

The decision is a significant win for not only vaginal rights advocates, but also for freedom of speech lovers too. Because had the ruling gone in Beck’s favor, it would’ve surely discouraged the public from investigating more unsolved 1990 Glenn Beck rape and murder cases. Although, the court remained silent on the actual rumor itself, its ruling clearly leaves the door wide open for further questioning of Beck’s supposed innocence. Some have even suggested that based on Swiss customs, the court’s silence actually means that it is interested in hearing Beck’s side of the story and he should promptly confirm or deny the allegations in a very detailed affidavit. Others were less sympathetic, one anonymous observer of the Beck case said, “regardless whether WIPO is in Switzerland or not- the fact is we let him walk out of that courtroom without handcuffs. I mean and we had him in our midst and we let him walk right out the front door- we should have busted him for rape and murder and asked questions last. It’s likely that the poor woman in 1990 would have wanted it that way- because I’m pretty sure he didn’t ask for permission before he raped her and killed her.”

Surprisingly, Beck’s supporters have joined his detractors in openly criticizing him and his lawsuit for being deceptively hypocritical. Many cite his characterization of the freedom of speech as, “our most precious right” and people’s ability to speak out as “the supposed watchdog of our Republic.” Beck seems to think the First Amendment only applies when he’s the one hurling offensive insults and allegations, and not when he becomes the target of allegations. Because, while Beck was claiming his freedom of speech protected his brand of incendiary rhetoric from White House criticism of FoxNews, he was simultaneously trying to prevent others from exercising their right to speak out against him. Read more of this post

FoxNews claiming Obama’s newly planted tree will lead to communism

Headline on FoxNews.com yesterday: "Timebomb Tree"

WASHINGTON D.C. – Last week President Obama planted a tree in the White House North Lawn. The tree planting ceremony lasted all of five minutes and was sparsely covered, if at all, by the mainstream media. In fact, there was no more than ten reporters in attendance.

Yet the same ceremony that barely registered not even so much as a blip on other news casts, has been exhaustively covered for five consecutive days by the only network brave and honest enough to report the truth- FoxNews. Much of FoxNews’ coverage has focused on claims that the tree would lead to the spread of communism, and on questions surrounding Obama’s choice of wardrobe and gardening tools.

T.R.E.E. = The Reality is Everything Ending

Last Thursday FoxNews’ Glenn Beck devoted his entire program to showing viewers just how the tree would lead to communism. Beck warned- “America, you need to wake up and realize whats going on here, its no coincidence the type of tree Obama planted is the same as the one Stalin planted during his first year as leader of the Soviet Union.” Beck added, “it really began to come together for me when I noticed the President was really concerned with how evenly the soil was distributed. Its like I’ve been telling you all along- you have to read between the lines!”

FoxNews claims Obama's shovels refused to grant them an interview.

Beck later went on to draw the tree on his famous chalkboard and labeled each of the tree’s roots as socialism, government intervention, acorn producing, and big spending bills. He scribbled Obama’s name on the trunk of the tree and claimed the planting of the tree signaled the “end of democracy as we know it. Democracy in this country has come full circle, it started with a President who chopped down a tree – and ends with one who planted a tree.” Beck even brought out his signature red phone and said, “notice how Anita Dunn and the rest of them over at the White House haven’t called me yet.” An emotional Beck closed out the show by noting, “Obama isn’t like you and me, just look at him… maybe I’m the crazy one, but do you know anyone who uses a gold plated shovel or wears a suit to plant a tree?” Read more of this post

WASHINGTON D.C. – If the fun-loving bunch of politicians and pundits were looking for a break from a tense political season, then the Howl-oween Bash held this past Saturday evening was the place to be. Check out some of this year’s best & worst costumes:

Not to rain on Beck’s crazy parade, but his little ‘experiment‘ was soo 90’s, as in 1690’s – it was called the Salem Witch Trials

Yes, you just witnessed a man kill a frog by tossing it into a pot of boiling water on live TV for no apparent reason, other than to prove to his critics, once and for all, that he’s a homicidal lunatic who can’t be trusted near amphibians. Beck was simply doing what he does best, which is to formulate some ridiculous argument/opinion based solely on a myth, only this time he tossed a live frog into a pot of boiling water.

The frog, who is survived by four tadpoles, was said to be a kind soul who had a zeal for life and truly enjoyed living. Friends of the frog claim he was a progressive environmentalist and a big supporter of green jobs. At his eulogy earlier today, his teary-eyed brother said “Ribbet!! My little bro didn’t die in vein- in fact, I couldn’t imagine a better way my brother would’ve wanted to go than by (sniffling) – exposing Beck for the crazy lying killer that he is.”

Frog-gate has already spawned another Beck book. Can you say stocking stuffer?! "Frogs: Boil Them Alive" is scheduled to hit shelves in earlier December - just in time for Christmas!

Sources close to the family say they were especially outraged by Beck’s dismissive comment- “forget about the frog,” he said immediately after realizing he had committed murder. The frog’s family plan on filing a wrongful death suit in the hopes of raising awareness of Beck’s murderous ways. Upon hearing of the family’s plans to sue him, Beck issued what can only be described as a heartless response. The douchey FoxNews show host actually had the audacity to claim the frog was a prop. So it’s not enough to end an innocent frog’s life- no, no- he felt compelled to add insult to injury by dismissing the frog as fake.

For argument’s sake, let’s assume for a moment that the frog was in fact a prop. Why would Beck rest his whole premise on showing viewers how they have to “jump out of the pot” in response to Obama’s policies- only to use a prop frog he knows can’t jump out of the pot. Does he secretly want viewers to stay in the pot of boiling water and die like the frog? I don’t get it. Read more of this post

From left to right: PIMP (Bunny brothel owner Dennis Hof), JOHN (Sean Hannity with pen), and HOOKER (Stacy Swallows or Air Force Amy).

Hooker on Hannity: “he has been gladly paying good money for really raunchy sex with women he barely knows since well before 1990.”

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – An anonymous source close to FoxNews told Unreasonably Safe Reporter the pictures circulating on the internet of Sean Hannity posing with prostitutes were actually leaked by Hannity himself. The source is also claiming that he actually did this to distance himself from the Glenn Beck rape controversy. The well publicized allegations that Beck raped a woman in 1990 has started to catch the attention of the mainstream media. They have been dumbfounded by the same question concerned citizens have yet to get an answer on- ‘If Glenn Beck didn’t rape a woman in 1990, why hasn’t he denied the allegations.’ Despite the growing concerns of citizens nationwide, Beck, Hannity and the rest of the FoxNews crew have remained mysteriously silent on the issue. That is until today, when the photos of Hannity carousing with prostitutes mysteriously began surfacing on the internet.

Apparently, the release of the photos was in response to the recent allegations that Hannity might have had a part in covering up Beck’s rape controversy. Rather than be dragged down by Beck’s problems, Hannity got out in front of the issue and released these pics himself in the hopes of creating a diversion, while also giving himself the opportunity to get his side of the story out before the liberal media was able to spin it. The message Hannity is putting out there is simple, “While it may be true that I used to be a whore monger, I at least paid for sex in 1990.”

Hannity and his honies after a lengthy session of 'in-depth investigatory reporting' and 'hard hitting revealing exposes'

More importantly, the photo leak effectively accomplishes two things. First it distances him from Beck and his rape controversy by creating his own quasi-controversy for people to focus on. Secondly, it serves to create a pretty rock-solid defense. Which is: ‘Sure, I used to squander hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on prostitutes, but that doesn’t mean I have a deep seated hatred of consensual sex. It simply means I used to have a deap seated hatred of non-transactional consensual sex.‘ Read more of this post

WASHINGTON D.C., – During President Obama’s moving speech on health care Wednesday evening, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson (R) yelled out “You lie!” when the President stated his plan would not provide coverage for illegal immigrants. Many who heard his comment instantly began speculating that such an outburst could only come from someone with touretts syndrome. Although the jury is still out -Wilson denied he has or has ever suffered from touretts syndrome- but did not provide any suporting evidence to justify his denials. Wilson released this formal apology immediately following the conclusion of the President’s speech:

This evening it looks as if I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the whole health care thing. But there is more than meets the eye here. To be honest with y’all, I frankly don’t know enough about all this health insurance mess to agree or disagree with the President’s statements about them Mexicans getting their hands on my health care. Rather, my comments were a direct result of Senator Grassley challenging me by saying: ‘I didn’t have the balls to pull a Glenn Beck and scream out something illogical and crazy during the speech.’ He even claimed ‘Pelosi has got bigger balls than you.’ He also said he was ‘so sure I’d chicken out that he’d be willing to bet his own membership in the Gang of Six that I wouldn’t do it.’

Now, I wasn’t going to let ole’ Chucky get one on me, plus the Gang of Six are so awesome, everyone knows they throw the biggest keggers in D.C. Plus, I really wanted one of them leather jackets they wear with the cool number 6 on the back of it- I’d be like the Fonz of the House man. So, I yelled it loud as hell, unfortunately I didn’t time it right cause- at the very moment I started screaming everyone decided to get quiet. So all you heard was me screaming ‘You lie!’ I know how all this must look, but trust me we pull much crazier crap than that all the time over at the C-street house. Anyways, I also know without all this context- my comments might have seemed inappropriate to the viewers at home and the President. Hopefully, y’all can understand where I was coming from given the circumstances. I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the President for my outburst, and he also deserves an apology from Senator Grassley who started it all. Hopefully, I don’t think they’ll be any hard feelings, because he knows that I don’t know enough about health care enough to have just blurted something out without being provoked.

Senator Grassley could not be reached for comment and is expected to address Wilson’s allegations in the forthcoming days. Read more of this post

Gil Stefano claims to have taken this picture on March 14, 1990, while on a sailing excursion with Glenn Beck and friends. The picture shows Beck on the bottom posing with Bruce Henning on top.

ST. PETERSBURG, FL. – “There is absolutely no way Glenn Beck raped a woman on March 14, 1990, because I was sailing with him and some friends that same day,” says local Tampa retiree Gil Stefano. He is also claiming to have a picture he took on the sailing trip to prove it.

Mr. Stefano told Unreasonably Safe Observer, “when I first heard of the allegations I thought it was a joke, not because I didn’t think Mr. Beck was capable of it, but because from that sailing trip it didn’t seem to me like Glenn even liked women. He was flirting like a little school girl with Bruce Henning the whole afternoon” said Stefano. Who added “yeah, every time I looked at him he was batting his eyelashes or blowing little kisses at Bruce.”

The "Stephano" picture was originally published in 1985, a whole five years before Beck allegedly maybe raped a woman in 1990.

As badly as Beck fans want to believe Mr. Stefano’s cute little tale, don’t be fooled. Mr. Stefano is not telling the whole truth. While there is no questioning the legitimacy of his photo, the date he is claiming to have taken the photo is clearly erroneous.

Apparently the same photo was originally published in 1985 by Annandale Advocate. The photo was part of a feature article which profiled Annandale local Bruce Henning’s love of sailing and men in the paper’s then gay friendly section, Backdoor Pages.

Did Beck rape a woman in 1990?

Does he have a ‘deep seated hatred’ for consensual sex?

Official Durham County Police report listing Glenn Beck as a rape suspect. (Click on picture for a closer look)

DURHAM, CT. – According to a recently discovered Durham County Police report Glenn Beck raped a woman in 1990. Calm down!! Chances are the suspect in the case is just someone who shares the same name as the FoxNews show host.

Despite the great likelihood of this being the product of a simple mix up of names- there are some eerie coincidences that are worth mentioning. For starters, the crime remains unsolved. The manhunt for the suspect briefly caught the attention of Durham’s local media after numerous reports were leaked stating that the rapist, not the victim, cried throughout the encounter. This led to the local Durham media giving the wanted suspect the nickname – “Crying Rapist.”

"Crying Rapist" headline on March 28, 1990 reported by a local Durham newspaper. -- Courtesy of Durham Times.

The local media attention around the case intensified after Durham’s Channel 4 ran an interview with Gwendolyn Sutton, the officer who responded to the rape call. In the interview, Officer Sutton claimed “the victim told me the rapist whispered the phrase ‘I’m doing because I love my country‘ repeatedly as he cried and raped her.” Sutton added, “before the rapist ran away he looked at the elderly lady and reportedly told her ‘in the future a brilliant black man will run the government and get it to kill you‘ or something crazy like that.” After weeks of exhaustive searches and chasing countless dead leads, the county-wide manhunt for the “Crying Rapist” eventually died down. Local media coverage eventually faded out as the town turned its attention to the town’s annual bake sale hosted by Big Betty’s Brownie Bonanza, a local town favorite.

It is also worth mentioning that Beck worked at WKCI-FM (KC101), a Top 40 radio station in Hamden, Ct., where he co-hosted the Glenn and Pat Show, a local morning show with Pat Gray. However, the fact that Glenn Beck worked in Connecticut prior to working at CNN and FoxNews in no way suggests that he raped an elderly lady. Obviously, there had to have been another man named Glenn Beck in Connecticut around 1990 too, who also harbored an unhealthy and irrational fear of a tyrannical and homicidal government, who allegedly wept while raping an elderly lady.

Glenn Beck loses another sponsor… his A.A. sponsor

"I was at a recent meeting with the two, and you could almost drink the tension between them," said one AA meeting attendee who prefered to remain anonymous. (Beck pictured at a recent meeting wearing black shirt nearest the camera- and Tipple beside him to his left wearing white.)

You can now add Darenn Tipple’s name to the growing list of sponsors who have dropped the doltish FoxNews show host. Tipple had been Beck’s AA (Alcoholics’ Anonymous) sponsor for the past two years; a feat many thought was impossible considering that in 14 years, none of Beck’s previous sponsors had lasted more than six months. Tipple’s feat did not go unnoticed though, as he was presented with the Medal of Mettle at an AA banquet yesterday. The medal is the highest honor given by the organization, and is only given to those who have shown unbelievable courage to stay sober in the face of insurmountable obstacles.

An emotional Beck at a recent AA meeting.

In an interview with Recovering Drunkard magazine, Tipple claimed that Beck “was impossible to get along with,” and “he felt himself getting dumber the more he got to know Beck.” He went on to say that, “Glenn always insisted that people call him GB,” and “there wasn’t a meeting that Glenn didn’t cry at, sometimes I’d find him all teary eyed before the dang meeting even started.” The experience of sponsoring Beck became so draining that Tipple was even assigned an additional sponsor just to help him hang on to his sobriety. When asked how he felt after telling Beck the news, Tipple jokingly said, “I feel like doing some serious celebrating and getting super sh*t faced, but I’m not.”

Don’t take me seriously bro!!

Most items and/or articles on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof. The information contained on this website is not meant to be taken seriously. Any issues? hit me up at - unreasonablysafe at gmail.

Don’t take the above warning too seriously bro!!

It might be a ploy by those in power that don't want people to know the truth.