Petey, Yoda, me in the ’90s and also the ’80s.

Remember the other day? When Tallulah got a bath to wash all the mulberry stains off her fur?

Yeah.

Now she has given herself a mulberry eye. HOW did she manage to get it on her EYE, is what I want to know? She looks like Petey from The Little Rascals.

Look at her. She's so pleased with herself.

In other less stain-y news, I was thinking last night that I would have had a more interesting blog in the '80s and '90s, when I was single. I understand that blogs weren't invented yet, but you have no idea how chaotic and dramatic my single days were. There was never a time I was happily ensconced with someone. I either had a boyfriend and we were fighting all the time and I was throwing coffee on him, or I was meeting someone new and it was all torrid, or I was in the midst of a horrid breakup. Oh, I was interesting.

Now I'm all, oh. Look. There's Marvin again.

I do not know what to tell you. As soon as I met Marvin I calmed right down and got boring. We never have dramatic and wonderful fights. Well, one time he threw a bottle of wine in the bushes, but he hasn't given me permission to tell that story.

Plus also, I drank all.the.time. I was always waking up on some strange floor with a stolen street sign next to me and an inexplicably broken finger or something. Really. Trust me. You missed the best blog-potential days.

Now you get my dog and my mulberry tree.

Oh! But you DO get my new refrigerator magnet!

My friend Dottie got me this because she thought it was vaguely obscene. It is like a lederhosen blowup doll.

She got it in Frankenmuth, which is this German-themed tourist town in Michigan. Because did I mention everything is German in Michigan? So naturally we need a whole town dedicated to the part where we are all German. Anyway, they have German-themed restaurants and shops and gee-gaws such as the one above. Oh, and there is a glockenspiel that plays–oh dear. What does it play? My whole life I have insisted we stand there and watch that stupid glockenspiel. Maybe it's the Pied Piper? I think that's the story it shows. Wow.

When I drag people to Michigan, I always make them go to Frankenmuth. There is a Christmas store there called Bronners, and it is the largest Christmas store on earth. Dottie and I make a point of getting each other the ugliest ornament from Bronners that we can find in the catalog each year. One year she got me a Yoda head, and one year I sent her an outhouse. Those were the highlights.

Me, at Bronners in the '90s. See how much funnier I was? Not to mention that I wore magenta tights.

My Aunt Mary had somehow gone her whole life living in Michigan and had avoided Bronners, and it may have been me who made her go in, and she said, "This is IT?" She is the only person I know who was disappointed in it. She thought it'd be bigger. I mean, the place is huge. It is the Louvre of Christmas stores.

But the first time my Aunt Mary ever rode a ferry, she was really sad that it wasn't a fairy, but rather a large boat, so Aunt Mary kind of has grand expectations. Granted, she was like four at the time, but still.

I had better go work and stop droning on about Bronners, who at this point should be paying me, but I did want to slip in a confidential note to the fellow Rhodes Scholars who tune into the highly intellectual Real Housewives of New York. Cannot tell you how much Jill annoyed me when she asked Bethennnennnenneyyy, "Do you want to go to lunchhhhhh?" She dragged out the word "lunch" 50 feet. Irked. That said, Jill's hair was really pretty at Ramona's wedding.

Many of you will be lost re the paragraph above, and that is because you are not deep enough to grasp it. Fret not. We cannot all be patrons of this fine show. It takes a special breed. Of highly refined tastes.

Oh! Also! I love how Ramona's daughter is the normal one and Ramona is such an immature freak when the two of them are with each other.

Okay, done with this lofty talk. It's too intimidating to the average reader.

Two things. Our friends, Tim and Tina had a photography studio in the old bank in downtown Frankenmuth and Jill? Loves to act all ManHATin , but sounds all Stat-in I-lend. But you should ask Paula H&B. She would know better than I.

Two things. Our friends, Tim and Tina had a photography studio in the old bank in downtown Frankenmuth and Jill? Loves to act all ManHATin , but sounds all Stat-in I-lend. But you should ask Paula H&B. She would know better than I.

Two things. Our friends, Tim and Tina had a photography studio in the old bank in downtown Frankenmuth and Jill? Loves to act all ManHATin , but sounds all Stat-in I-lend. But you should ask Paula H&B. She would know better than I.

My Grandma lived only 20 minutes from Frankenmuth, but I have been to Bronners only once.
Our trip Up North will be lacking this year as Freeway Fritz (a gas station/Frankenmuth chicken restaurant at an exit off 75N) is no longer in business. 😦
To those who lived in GR, don’t forget the famous saying “If you’re not Dutch, you’re not much!”

I liked Ramona’s hair at Ramona’s wedding and that is now the style I am striving for, despite the cut I got 2 days ago that is much shorter. What is up with Kelly not RSVPing and showing up anyway? (Despite her crazy, I do sometimes agree with her, like when she said, in effect, what is up with having a renewal on your 17th anniversary, how random!) And am I the only one who has NO interest in the new Bethenny show?
I love how happy Tallulah looks in that pic!

Love Lu’s expression in that pic! She is so proud of herself.
I need to watch my taped RHWoNY tonight. It sounds good. I think Jenny summed them up pretty good. Did whackadacko Kelly (sorry June) have a boob job? Those puppies look drastically different.
After I watch it I will then further my education and read Shakespeare. Because I am so deep…

I can’t even imagine German Gay Porn there with Lederhosen Lad.
“You vill suck mein …”
“Ve vil inwite dose jungish lahds from down the strasse for to make the bear soup …”
Ugh.
Anywho, the RHoNY. HATE LuAnn. HATE Jill. Love Bethenny (and can’t wait for her new show). Kelly? Needs a net and a rubber room. But OH, how much work have these broads have done since the first season? I AXE YEW??? Oy with the botoxing and the peeling and the I don’t know what, except for poor Bethenny who apparently carried her baby weight in her jaw, ftlog.

I can’t even imagine German Gay Porn there with Lederhosen Lad.
“You vill suck mein …”
“Ve vil inwite dose jungish lahds from down the strasse for to make the bear soup …”
Ugh.
Anywho, the RHoNY. HATE LuAnn. HATE Jill. Love Bethenny (and can’t wait for her new show). Kelly? Needs a net and a rubber room. But OH, how much work have these broads have done since the first season? I AXE YEW??? Oy with the botoxing and the peeling and the I don’t know what, except for poor Bethenny who apparently carried her baby weight in her jaw, ftlog.

I can’t even imagine German Gay Porn there with Lederhosen Lad.
“You vill suck mein …”
“Ve vil inwite dose jungish lahds from down the strasse for to make the bear soup …”
Ugh.
Anywho, the RHoNY. HATE LuAnn. HATE Jill. Love Bethenny (and can’t wait for her new show). Kelly? Needs a net and a rubber room. But OH, how much work have these broads have done since the first season? I AXE YEW??? Oy with the botoxing and the peeling and the I don’t know what, except for poor Bethenny who apparently carried her baby weight in her jaw, ftlog.

The only thing I knew about Frankenmuth, was that Xavier basketball player (and former Mr. Michigan) Brad Redford came from there. If I see him down here, I will ask if he ever saw a lady with big hair and pink tights getting run over by the statue out front of Bronner’s.
He was born in the 90’s, so perhaps not.

The only thing I knew about Frankenmuth, was that Xavier basketball player (and former Mr. Michigan) Brad Redford came from there. If I see him down here, I will ask if he ever saw a lady with big hair and pink tights getting run over by the statue out front of Bronner’s.
He was born in the 90’s, so perhaps not.

The only thing I knew about Frankenmuth, was that Xavier basketball player (and former Mr. Michigan) Brad Redford came from there. If I see him down here, I will ask if he ever saw a lady with big hair and pink tights getting run over by the statue out front of Bronner’s.
He was born in the 90’s, so perhaps not.

Talu so has a “You should see the OTHER dog!” expression. You know she told the felines she got that purple eye from a fight.
The 80’s. I look back on the 80’s with a knowing smile and a wistful sigh. Well, what I can remember of them. Lots of Super Extra Hold Aqua Net and hallucinogenics in the 80’s, although not at the same time. I had my Heavy Metal Hair Band phase with hair up to HERE and then my Dead Head phase before getting married at the close of the decade and settling into a life of domestic bliss. Or something like that.
We don’t have a Frankenfurter German tourist town out here. Which means we are deprived of a Bronners. Which means we are deprived.
I’m not cerebral enough for RHoNY so I can’t participate in that discussion.

June I am about the same age as you. For the past couple of days I have been thinking that the 80s were the most wonderful time period ever. I thought it was because of the music. But now you have me thinking there may be other reasons……
Why don’t you blog about stories from the 80s on Fridays or something. I bet you have got some good ones.

Housewives of both NY and NJ fan here! Gotta love the whiney crap they fling at each other! They’re doing a cattle call for a future Housewives in my hometown (Houston)…sorry to say you won’t see me on it…my life is so dramaless!

Magenta tights and WHAT else? Oh I need to increase the size of that pic cause…well it looks like a sweater and tights? My gawd girl!
In other news, I suspect Lu like the smell of the mulberries and is simply trying to smell pretty, until you and Marv make her wash it off. So not fair!

Talu wants to be blue. She must be part Smurf. Did they mention that when you had her DNA run?
I once fractured my thumb playing foozeball (sp?) at a bar in Peoria, Illinois. (I just typed bra and am now giggling like a 12 year old boy). I believe we may have been at the bar next door to the strip club, Big Al’s, which we had been in minutes before. Oh, I was so drunk. I woke up the next day and my thumb was swollen and blue and hurt like a son of a biscuit. I vaguely remembered shouting I hurt my thumb but continued to play foozeball and drink. Those were the days.
I miss Gay Porn Santa. Now we have Gay Porn Lederhosen Lad to keep us happy until the magical Christmas time appearance of GPS.

Other than the Luncchhhh…. who the heck is the nasty Party Planner, with her rude comments. Were those sound bits really necessary. Why did Kelly not RSVP? And Jill needed a snack to keep her mouth full.

I can’t wait for the reunion show next week!
Kelly will talk about how she didn’t have a psychotic breakdown, it was a psychotic breakthrough. Let’s hope she does the screwed up face again!
Jill will continue with her pathetic attempt to spin her assy behavior.
Ramona will talk about renewing herself while we all wait for her eyes to literally.pop.out.of.her.head.
Alex, who has apparently grown some unattractive balls, will possibly deliver another message. And break out in hives.
Luann will say darling 1,290,765 times while she continues to look like a d*ck.
Sonja…simple Sonja…she will probably just be screwing someone in the background. I must admit, I kind of like her.
And Bethenny…I love Bethenny! Her zingers MAKE this show! I hope her new show isn’t too much of a good thing.

Don’t worry, June. When doggie protective services comes to investigate Lula’s eye situation, all of us faithful readers will be sterling character witnesses. With all the gay pron santas and lederhosen blowup doll magnets, the menonite porn, and that photo above of your assaulting those deer, they won’t get the wrong idea or anything. tee!

IN the 90’s, when I lived in the mall-less Third World, my aunt came back from Canada raving about this new store called Value Village. I cannot tell you how much my seventeen-year-old, mall-deprived self yearned to experience the hedonistic pleasures of said Value Village. Until I got to Canada and realized that despite its enormity and low, low prices, it was still a thrift store. I’ve never trusted my aunt’s “you-gotta-go-there’s” since.

First how cute is that Lu?
Second I love tacky stores and will make sure to stop there if I ever get to Michigan. Now tell me again why I should leave beautiful Sunny Southern California and go to Michigan?
C- RHNY- OH MY GAWD! I haven’t gotten to watch one ding dang or dong episode this season but I am getting ON DEMAND this week which means hopefully I can DEMAND they replay them.
How does that work exactly?

Ramona definitely wins the most annoying housewife award for me. Dear Ramona, opening your eyes wide and refusing to blink does not make you sexy. And I still don’t get why Jill still hates Alex and wants to be chummy with Bethenny again after the delivery of the “message”. I’m really going to miss Bravo when we leave this hotel room. Of course, I can feel my brain cells dying slowly too.
Here’s my breakdown after two days of this show-
Ramona= childish attention whore with an aging complex
Jill= the most toxic of all with no self awareness
Kelly= certifiable
Alex= probably functions better out of the limelight. also, really bad make up.
Sonja= horny puppy
Luann= biggest turd stirrer and gossip monger. also, can-not sing.
Jennifer= who cares boring.
Bethenny= strangely charming and funny
Who needs to turn off Bravo?

The LL statue has me singing “Fiddle a-a-bout, fiddle a-a-bout”, although he’s much to cherubic-looking to be mistaken for Wicked Uncle Ernie, and it’s himself he’s fiddling with, not Tommy.
Lov Lula’s shiner.

Is Bronner’s the place you can get those candy necklaces and the candy buttons on the long ribbons of paper? I know we went to Frankenmuth on a regular basis when we lived in the metropolis of gorgeous Saginaw, MI…I, of course, just do not remember it all that clearly. June? What did I do from the time I was 3 until I was about 7 when my rotten parents moved me away from Saginaw? All I remember is that we had matching Ug-Ugs that my mom made us.

My parents took a picture of me in front of the Frankenmuth sign when I was about ten. I was wearing the most hideous gingham jumpsuit. I wanted to smack myself out of the picture for being made to wear that atrocity.
I broke two fingers in 1980 getting into a fight with a guy who kicked my car. He was raving at me for slowing down on an exit ramp to avoid hitting a cat. In all my infinite teenage wisdom I got out of my car at the light. When he got out of his he turned out to be 6’3″ or so. He kicked my car. A black ’74 Cutlass Supreme with a 350 Rocket and chrome keystones w/60s. That sent me over the edge and I kicked him in the groinage. Next thing I knew, I was on my ass. I really don’t know if I broke my fingers punching at him aimlessly or breaking my fall. The 80s were good times. I miss being invincible.

Talu looks just adorable with her smudged face.
Do you feel compelled to wash that out immediately before she gets mulberry crud all over your house? Because Chloe sat in a nasty mud puddle during our last walk of the evening yesterday. Meaning that she got an impromptu bath while I should have been sleeping.
Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Talu looks just adorable with her smudged face.
Do you feel compelled to wash that out immediately before she gets mulberry crud all over your house? Because Chloe sat in a nasty mud puddle during our last walk of the evening yesterday. Meaning that she got an impromptu bath while I should have been sleeping.
Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Talu looks just adorable with her smudged face.
Do you feel compelled to wash that out immediately before she gets mulberry crud all over your house? Because Chloe sat in a nasty mud puddle during our last walk of the evening yesterday. Meaning that she got an impromptu bath while I should have been sleeping.
Not that I’m bitter or anything.

I love Frankenmuth! I live like 20 minutes from there and only manage to go once a year. The day after Thanksgiving cause that is a great time to shop. Not! I always spend way too much money at Bronner’s which is why I am limited to once a year. Love their family style chicken dinners! Actually I just love it when people bring enormous amounts of food to me and I don’t even have to get up!

Lederhosen Lad evokes fond memories of Christmas past and witty repartee regarding Gay Porn Santa. Now those were some good days.
A big shout out to Mike and Tina Timmons, who, while they live in Frankenmuth, are not readers of this blog. To my knowledge. Being photographers, they are likely illiterate.
World famous chicken my ass. On that subject, I just have two words: Uncle Lou’s. In.Credible. Edibles.

Frankenmuth is a yearly day trip for us…gotta have chicken, shop for more Christmas stuff that I don’t need, listen to the clock, wander the town aimlessly for a couple of hours…it’s magical.
And yes Michigan is all German (Dutch are German kissin’ cousins).

We love Bronner’s! Every year when we visit family in MI (in the summer) we visit Bronner’s. The funny part is that I’ve been there more times in the eleven years since I’ve moved to NC than I ever did in the 21 years that I lived less than an hour away in MI.

Everyone in Michigan is German? I don’t THINK so! At least not the part my husband is from (Grand Rapids)…Everyone, and mean EVERYONE there is Dutch. They all have little wooden shoes and windmills in their front yards with acres and acres of tulips, just in case you didn’t pick up on the fact that everyone’s name is “Van” something or other and on every other corner is a Dutch Christian Reformed Church. Bah.
But I have been to Frankenmuth too AND to Bronners!

Mmmm, my friend Charlotte is like that. When she was about five, her parents were making a weekend of going to Memphis and staying at the world famous “Pee Potty”. She could NOT understand what could be so grand about a bathroom. But then she learned there were DUCKS SWIMMING(!)in the Pee Potty. Thrilled she was. (hommage to Yoda) Imagine her disappointment at finding the ducks in the fountain at the bar and the “Pee Potty”? Was the just Peabody Hotel.
Heee.
I LOVE how they made fun of Kelly in the end credits : “Kelly still eats rainbows and poops butterflies and gummy bears…”
But I may be paraphrasing a bit.

Mmmm, my friend Charlotte is like that. When she was about five, her parents were making a weekend of going to Memphis and staying at the world famous “Pee Potty”. She could NOT understand what could be so grand about a bathroom. But then she learned there were DUCKS SWIMMING(!)in the Pee Potty. Thrilled she was. (hommage to Yoda) Imagine her disappointment at finding the ducks in the fountain at the bar and the “Pee Potty”? Was the just Peabody Hotel.
Heee.
I LOVE how they made fun of Kelly in the end credits : “Kelly still eats rainbows and poops butterflies and gummy bears…”
But I may be paraphrasing a bit.

Mmmm, my friend Charlotte is like that. When she was about five, her parents were making a weekend of going to Memphis and staying at the world famous “Pee Potty”. She could NOT understand what could be so grand about a bathroom. But then she learned there were DUCKS SWIMMING(!)in the Pee Potty. Thrilled she was. (hommage to Yoda) Imagine her disappointment at finding the ducks in the fountain at the bar and the “Pee Potty”? Was the just Peabody Hotel.
Heee.
I LOVE how they made fun of Kelly in the end credits : “Kelly still eats rainbows and poops butterflies and gummy bears…”
But I may be paraphrasing a bit.

I had always heard of Frankenmuth while growing up in Detroit and we moved to Georgia when I was in junior high but it wasn’t until I took my Southern-bred husband to Michigan that I ever got to go there. I loved Bronner’s but that place that claims to have “World Famous Chicken”? Yeah. So what.
We have a “German” city here in Georgia, also. It’s Helen, Georgia. All the stores have names like Fudge Haus and Tacky T-shirt Haus and such. I think someone from Frankenmuth must have moved down here and they missed their beloved city and so they started their own.
By-the-way, I got to see your doppelganger, Carole King, in concert last night and I thought about you every time I tried to get a good picture of her and all I could get were her glowing angel curls!