George Clooney and Stacy Keibler at the 26th Anniversary Carousel Of Hope Ball at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills (10/20)

Hope Stacy Keibler hasn't been picking out wedding dresses because there is exactly a zero percent chance that George Clooney will ever marry her. And that's not coming from me, that's coming from Clooney's sister. From Life & Style:

They're words no women wants to hear from a potential sister-in-law. But in a new interview, George Clooney's older sis says the chances are slim of the world's most eligible bachelor finally settling down with his girlfriend of one year, Stacy Keibler.

"No, I'd say he probably won't get married," George's sister, Adelia Zeidler, reveals to Life & Style. "If I had to guess, I'd have to say no. I know everyone says 'Well, Warren Beatty said he'd never get married and then he met Annette Bening,' but that's the only example people can think of, so it doesn't bode to well." (Print Edition - 11/12)

Well, I could have told Stacy that. Hell, anyone with a set of working eyes can see that supernaturally hot Stacy Keiber just doesn't have what George needs to corral the old stallion and satisfy him sexually. It's so important to a "fella" like George that I'm actually quite surprised that this relationship has lasted so long. I'm also surprised that none of his "close friends" have outed him yet -- because, as we all know, those kinds of "people" have absolutely no sense of humor about anything. Oh, the thing that George needs that Stacy doesn't have? It's an AARP card (Stacy is too young to have one). Wait, where did you think I was going with this? Oh, you thought I was referring to a giant penis? Well, I wasn't. Shame on you for thinking that -- I'm not looking to get sued.