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There’s an advert on TV at the moment for Sky Broadband. The advert features the American actor Bruce Willis playing the American actor Bruce Willis. In the advert, Bruce Willis (played by Bruce Willis) marches into the office of his broadband supplier to complain about his service:

Bruce Willis (here playing Bruce Willis) appears to have walked into this office wearing pyjamas and a dressing gown. It’s not the sort of thing you’d expect Bruce Willis to be wearing in public. Why is Bruce Willis in his pyjamas?

Those two men shaking hands on the left there don’t even seem to have noticed the fact that Bruce Willis has just walked in wearing a dressing gown. If I worked in that office and Bruce Willis walked in wearing a dressing gown, I would definitely look round. “That’s Bruce Willis” I’d think. “Why is he in his dressing gown?”

Watching the advert, I assume the implication is that Bruce Willis’ character (played by Bruce Willis) was at home using his laptop when his broadband failed and he became so enraged that he stormed out of the door to complain face-to-face without stopping to get dressed.

There are several problems with this scenario though.

Let’s assume it’s true. Bruce Willis is at home in his pyjamas, maybe in a dressing gown. He’s using his laptop. Suddenly his broadband service is interrupted. He jumps up (grabs a dressing gown if he wasn’t already wearing one) and storms out the door to confront his lousy broadband suppliers.

But how does he know where to go? I use BT Broadband. I wouldn’t know where to go if I wanted to complain. OK, so let’s say he has a bill to hand. Maybe it came in that morning’s post, or it came the day before and was stuck to the front of his fridge with a novelty magnet he picked up on a recent holiday. He grabs the bill, looks at address, then shoves it in the pocket of his dressing gown.

OK, he now knows where he needs to go, but it’s unlikely that he’d recognise the address. He goes back, grabs his phone, then looks up the postcode. Is it likely that he lives walking distance from his broadband supplier? Not really. He goes back inside for a third time, grabs his wallet and his car keys and storms out again.

By this time, I’d be thinking that maybe it would be easier to just phone up rather than go there in person. I’d probably also think that it might be a good idea to get dressed properly.

But let’s assume that Willis’ character (Bruce) has tried phoning them in the past and it’s never worked. First you have to go through the automated call centre, entering your account number and other details, then you’re put on hold for ages, and when you finally get to speak to someone, you’re told it’s not their department and they need to put you through to someone else which means being put back on hold and then having to explain the problem all over again. Also, it must be a bit annoying when you phone a call centre like that and they ask for your name and you say “Bruce Willis” and the other person laughs and says “No, really” and then you have to say “Yes, really – my name is Bruce Willis!” and then they say “What? Really? Bruce Willis? Like the actor?” and then you have to say “Well, actually, I am the actor. Bruce Willis. That’s me” and you have to go through this every single time you want to complain about your broadband or order a pizza or whatever.

Bruce Willis (played by Willis) has had enough of all that bullshit. He’s going to go there in person and he doesn’t care how impractical that might be or how cold he might get wandering through the streets in his pyjamas and dressing gown.

So, he arrives at the offices of his broadband supplier. Now what’s his plan? What does he say to the receptionist? “I want to speak to someone, I’m unhappy with my broadband service?” She recognises him. Of course she does. He’s Bruce Willis (Willis’ performance here is quite uncanny in the way he is able to so accurately capture all of Bruce Willis’ mannerisms). She lets him through. “Just take the lift” she says. “It’s OK, it very conveniently opens out into the main office floor and there aren’t any further doors you need to go through or anything.”

By this time, of course, “Bruce Willis” would already be trending on Twitter. People are posting photos of him wandering around in his dressing gown. Everyone assumes he must be on drugs.

The lift doors open and he’s in the offices of his broadband supplier (who appear to be called “Broadband”). “Who’s in charge here?” he asks. Within seconds, he’s identified the “manager”. The manager of what? The manager of “Broadband”? Surely not. I mean, just look at him. Let’s assume he’s just the Customer Services Manager. Let’s not say that he’s in a more senior role because I think the actor playing the manager is younger than me and it would be upsetting to think someone younger than me might run a company as big as “Broadband”.

Willis shows his laptop to the manager and explains the problem.

“When I’m on the internet, this keeps happening…”

On the basis of this advert, we are to assume that Bruce Willis sits around at home, in his pyjamas, streaming his own films and watching them on his laptop. Is this how Bruce Willis wants us to think of him? A lonely man sat at home, watching past glories on a small screen? And why is he streaming these films anyway? Why doesn’t he just buy them on DVD? The Die Hard Quadrilogy is only £10.99 from Amazon (on Blu-Ray, it’s £19.99)

Even more puzzling is quite how he is able to continue streaming these videos on his laptop once he reaches the offices of “Broadband”. He left his flat, carrying his laptop under one arm, but the film he was watching carried on playing. Either the signal is extremely strong (in which case, it seems churlish for Willis to complain about the occasional outage) or Willis actually lives in the same building as the offices of “Broadband”. This would also help to explain why he is still wearing his dressing gown, but it might have been helpful to have some sort of establishing shot which would illustrate this point rather than expect us to guess that for the dramatic purposes of this advert, the actor Bruce Willis happens to live downstairs from his broadband supplier.

And if it is the case that he lives downstairs from “Broadband”, then that surely reduces the impact of his “face-to-face” confrontation – turning him from an outraged customer to a slightly ratty neighbour.

The fact that Bruce lives downstairs would at least explain why those two men shaking hands were so blasé when he walked in.

Except even that doesn’t make sense. If he’s always wandering in, then why is the ginger haired woman so clearly starstruck as he walks by:

She’d be used to it if he lived downstairs and was always doing this.

As would the dark-haired woman sitting near the manager:

It’s obvious from the way she looks at him and mouths the words “Bruce Willis” that she fancies Bruce Willis. But note how she only mouths the words “Bruce Willis”, not “Bruce Willis – why is he in his pyjamas?”

Willis explains what he expects from a broadband supplier:

I don’t want smaller, I want bigger. I want helicopters shot down by police cars. I want people on the verge of mass destruction. Saving people’s lives on a daily basis. Does that sound small to you?

Although actually, considering Willis’ most famous role as John McClane, it would be more accurate to say he saves people’s lives on little more than a near-annual basis.

Hearing this impassioned speech, the dark-haired woman bites her lip in a sexy way:

She then explains that actually, Sky’s broadband service is much better because it is “totally unlimited”, adding that she is also “totally unlimited”. I think that’s meant to be sexy in some way. Willis then winks at her and the two walk out together, presumably to fuck in the toilets.

I’m not sure what this advert is trying to say. I’ve watched it about fifty or sixty times now. I’m guessing Bruce Willis hasn’t had some sort of Charlie Sheen-style breakdown, but it’s difficult to interpret it in any other way. Either he’s wandering the streets in his dressing gown, or he’s picking up girls who work in the office upstairs. Something has gone wrong in his life.

I don’t plan to change my broadband supplier as a result of this advert.

24 Comment on “DOES THAT SOUND SMALL TO YOU?”

Lip-biting Girl’s actions interest me more than Bruce’s. She has totally forgotten about her boyfriend, pictured alongside her in the photo frame on her desk. Though perhaps they have an open relationship, or maybe he is in fact an ex-boyfriend (that she is still pining after, hence the photo still being on her desk) and a quickie with Bruce is just what she needs to finally get over her failed relationship. A quick slamming down of the photo frame face-down to signify closure would have confirmed this sudden epiphany. Lip-biting Girl’s world has now changed for ever, especially as she has almost certainly sacrificed her job with Broadband by a) recommending a competitor b) shagging during working hours, and will have to start brushing up the old CV. It’s an exciting time.

I think you got the point of this advert brilliantly. It was never meant to be serious but a piss take on Bruce Willis, broadband suppliers and woman who fall all over themselves for famous men, even if they’re wearing a dressing gown. The creators of this ad have done a fantastic job, it was supposed to be bad which is why it’s funny and anyone who doesn’t find it funny will have a rant about it on their blogs providing free advertising (even if it is bad it’s memorable). In the advertising world that’s win win if you ask me. Very entertaining column thanks :)

Excellent critique. Perhaps Mr Willis has purchased a wifi dongle, concealed in his dressing gown pocket. In which case, his complaint should be directed at the wifi supplier. Lip biting woman is attractive in a ‘Readers’ wives’ scenario and clearly wouldn’t interest a Hollywood A lister.

But even that seems implausible. Surely the WiFi in Broadband’s office would be encrypted preventing Willis from using it? It is extremely rare for a company’s wireless network to be left unsecured these days.

You have missed the whole point of the advert. It is nothing to do with broadband, it is an assignation with lip-biting girl and an excuse for them to have the afore-mentioned shag in the toilets. That’s why he is in his dressing-gown (for ease of undressing). It was meant to be an advert for condoms but that bit got missed off because it went on too long.

The most disturbing thing for me is that on the desk of the girl who runs off with bruce willis (played by bruce willis) is a picture which clearly (but blurrily) shows she has a male friend which she hearts! Obviously the employees of broadban co. have no scrouples.

I like this advert. I hope they make it into a series. The next one reveals that none of this happened, it’s all in the mind of a clearly down and out Bruce Willis while he accosts passers by at a bus stop. But the next part reveals that the down and out act is a scene in an exciting new Die Hard movie. Which is revealed in the next ad to be part of a pitch Bruce is making to a Hollywood executive… played by Lip-Biting Girl. Finally it reaches it’s climax; revealing a confused man at home, watching the adverts, who says aloud: “I’m confused; how is that meant to make me want to switch broadband providers?” before reaching for the phone, to switch broadband provider. MINDS BLOWN.

I did laugh at this. I’m watching from Canada. In Vancouver, BC there is a tower owned by Shaw, one of the biggest cable providers in the country. It’s a prestige place, with offices and a TV studio at the base of the tower, and luxury apartments up on the umpteenth floor. On that top floor, or pretty close to it, Vin Diesel has four apartments converted into one massive one apparently. So, just imagine a scenario where our Vin D is having problems with his broadband as he’s trying to watch ‘Fast and Furious 110′ in his PJs and a glass of bourbon in hand, and then the broadband goes down. Not so far-fetched now is it?? Ha ha.

I always wonder what Bruce Willis and the ‘totally unlimited’ bird were going to do. As if it’s perfectly normal to swan off from your desk at work to get bummed by a celebrity in the lift. I imagine her walking back to her desk afterwards covered in jizz for her boss to fire her for lewd conduct at work and promoting rival services to customers.