Aw NHL Naw: Misconductales (Ooh Ooh)

This is a picture of David Boreanaz hanging out with the Stanley Cup while holding a human skull. The skull’s probably a reference to his work on Bones, but it could also be something he pulled from Sprague Cleghorn’s grave. The NHL seems like they’d be cool with that. “A CELEBRITY HAS A HOCKEY MAN SKULL? DOES THIS MEAN HE’D BE OPEN TO APPEARING IN A PICTURE WITH MARIAN HOSSA? MAYBE THEY COULD PRETEND TO BE A PAIR OF BRIDGESTONE TIRES!”

That’s the magic of the playoffs, right there.

Popped Torts: This was my first reaction to John Tortorella getting fired.

Oh how I laughed! Heck, I may have even chortled a bit.

I’ll actually kind of miss Tortorella: The Coach. Making Brad Richards a healthy scratch in the playoffs? Fuck yeah! Coaching a brand of hockey that forces Henrik Lundqvist to try and be Bradley Cooper in Limitless every GD night? High five! Not being part of some sort of overly jovial panel? Tremendous!

Tortorella (or “Torts” as he’s known in the world of mouthybreathy hockey nicknames) has this asshole geography teacher mystique about him that’s supposed to make Ol’ Coach come across like MAXIMUM TOUGH DUDE when really he’s just an angry facial hair transportation system. TSN trips over themselves to replay Glum Goatee’s classic angry zingers like “I guess that’s what I’m saying Brooksy” and “(moderate grumbling).” CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WHAT A CHARACTER!

9 People/Things I Would Love To Star In A Buddy Movie With

1. Johnny Cactus (a cactus with a cowboy hat and a boombox)

2. Any scientist holding a gun

3. Dr. James Naismith and Neil Armstong fused together into one man

4. A cyborg THAT HAS SOME MANNERS THIS TIME

5. Dr. Bengal Tiger

6. Regionally Famous Deborah Grey impersonator Barb Neubrowski

7. Mountain Dew Red Alert (the drink or the alternative porn star of the same name)

8. Any grandfather with a Dockers pocket full of Wether’s Originals

9. A Canadian flag cuz that’s all you need buddy if yer a true Canadian badass! (/highfives the ghost of the Bluenose)