Smiting the smiteable since 2005

Tag Archives: al gore

Everything new is old again. Remember when that joint venture between Al Gore, DARPA, and the porn industry built the Internets? All those Ted Stevens Memorial Tubes, Chutes, and Trucks made it look all shiny and new. It was a new frontier where everything would be free and unsullied by the clutches of the corporatists. But as corporatists often do, they got into it anyway.

They threw truckloads of simoleons at anything with a phone modem and an e at the beginning of its name and found that making money from something free isn’t quite as easy as it might first appear. The steam from their ears became trapped within their ostentatiously drab Silicon Valley low-rises and formed a bubble. It was a bubble the likes of which no one had ever seen before. An eBubble.

At first, they were all so proud of their little bubble. It was brilliant and bright and mostly paid for with someone else’s money – as money-making schemes generally are. Nerds became the new kings, and venture capitalists their new Chancellors of the Exchequers. No one believed that something so beautiful wouldn’t just go on forever. They hired Kate Winslet and celebrated with her on the bow of a CGI Titanic shouting, “OUR SHIT DON’T STINK! SUCK IT WORLD!”

AMERICAN EAGLE STRIKES BACK - Muppet Sam the Eagle has single handedly taken on the other Muppet communist scourge. When asked why he turned against his furry friends Eagle said, "I can no longer abide by my fellow Muppets' hate for all America stands for. Besides, John Boehner has offered me a positon on the House Unamerican Muppet Activities committee and I sure want that gig."