Sting, David Bowie, Elton John, Kristen Stewart And Freddie Mercury's Ghost Go Looking For Robert Pattinson On The Moon.

When Robert Pattinson found himself stranded on the moon last week, he must have held out little hope of rescue, and even less hope of finding Dorothy hiding behind a wheelie bin over the rainbow.

But thanks to advances in technology, and the incredible fortunes amassed by 80's pop stars, we have learned that a rescue mission is being put together as we speak (not literally, obviously...) featuring huge 80's musical stars, carefully selected for their expertise in their chosen fields and the size of their bank accounts.

Sir Elton John, chosen for his experience and expertise in rocket flight, as evidenced by the hit song 'Rocket Man' expressed caution over the mission, saying that he thinks it's going to be a long long time.

Singing former Geordie milkman and schoolteacher, Sting was chosen for his ability to walk on the lunar surface, advising his fellow rescuers to take giant steps and hope their legs don't break.

Glam rock icon David Bowie has been selected for his telecommunications skills and the way he kept shouting 'Can you hear me Major Tom?' to Colonel Tom Parker (Bowie got the rank all wrong) who had helped to finance an earlier space flight a few years before the Life On Mars expedition, where Bowie was confronted by scary monsters, super creeps, young Americans and some boys who wouldn't stop swinging in the zero gravity.

Film actress Kristen Stewart was selected solely because she's a close friend of Pattinson's and has been known to collaborate with him in the past on satirical news items for TheSpoof.com.

The ghost of the late Freddie Mercury may be a little more difficult to track down, but the others are keen to get him on board for his boundless energy and his ability to make supersonic men out of people who don't stop him playing radio Gaga.

At the moment, all Robert Pattinson can do is wait...and hope.

The Human League weren't invited because they were shit.

Look out for the sparks. They will fly.

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