Bellator’s second season is winding down, as we complete another set of semifinals at the Majestic Theatre in San Antonio, Texas. Even if you’ve been paying attention, though, you still may find it hard to predict what is going to happen when Bellator is on. BFCXX popped off last night, and if you forgot about it or your cable company is a bunch of greedy bastards, allow me to fill you in. Results and full recap after the jump, as well as my secret to wealth and attracting the most attractive sexual partners…

I have no secret to wealth and attracting the most attractive sexual partners, and I cannot believe you fell for that two weeks in a row.

Eddie Sanchez knocked Jay White out in ten seconds at Bellator VII, which is pretty awesome. Then Hector Lombard had to haul off and clobber Jay Silva in six seconds. Asshole. So Sanchez wants to go out and set a new new record, because eff that guy, right? His opponent is Marcus Sursa, who’s 6’2” and walks around at about 220 — only about fifteen pounds between them, but Sursa looks to be much smaller. He’s got an attitude, though: he jawed at Sanchez pretty good at the weigh-ins, and he works up a respectable mean face.

They meet in the center of the Bellator circle, and Sanchez wants to blast him one and take off, but Sursa throws a kick feint and shoots underneath. Sursa muscles the larger man all the way across the cage, then rebounds off of it and pulls guard so forcefully it looks like WWE move. Sanchez goes to the canvas face first, and Sursa slides out from underneath him, and starts working from top position, pushing Sanchez into the fence. Sanchez gains his feet, where they work for the clinch. These are heavyweights? These guys are doing work, son. Sursa throws some Thai knees, Sanchez answers with hooks, Sursa counters by dropping down and shooting. Down, back up, and work against the cage. Knees and fists fly, they clinch some more. As soon as Sachez starts to land anything significant, Sursa changes levels and takes him down. Sanchez stands again, and this time, leans on Sursa, and goes for his own takedown. The bigger guy is on top, and Sanchez wants to pound this out, but Sursa stays hyperactive off his back and lasts out the round.

They come out for Round 2, and Sursa has his dukes up and wants to use ‘em. He jacks Sanchez right on the jaw, and Sanchez makes a silly face, does a little crazy-legs jig, and flops to the canvas. Sursa swarms all over him, swinging more hammers than a roofer’s apprentice. I counted: Sursa throws sixty billion strikes in the first minute of Round 2, but Sanchez will not go out. Sursa decides to finish with a guillotine, rolling into guard to put his whole body into it, but he’s got no strength left in his arms. Sanchez pops his head out, and now he’s on top with three and a half minutes to beat up Sursa. So he does. Sanchez maintains top position and throws strikes for the rest of the round. He doesn’t catch Sursa cleanly, so they go back to their corners and think about what they’ve done. Sanchez is bleeding from his nose, Sursa is bleeding from his damn ear , plus he can barely sit upright on his stool. Sursa even gets a few extra seconds at the beginning of three to re-tape his gloves, but he’s whipped before the bell. Sanchez comes out in the third and throws a combo to the body, and Sursa folds like a cheap card table against the cage. The ref has seen enough, and calls it off. Eddie Sanchez defeats Marcus Sursa via TKO at 0:23 of Round 3.

Considering the intricacies of Russian-English translation, Alexander Shlemenko may not have his correct nickname: they call him “The Storm” but you can’t tell me that they don’t call him “The Tornado” at home. Maybe in Mother Russia, all storms have tornados. I can’t say either way. What I can say is that Shlemenko likes spinners more than the guys at West Coast Customs —dude can’t fight without a pirouette or twelve. It is fun to watch, though. Across from Shlemenko is Jared Hess, a finalist in the Season 1 middleweight tourney. He came up short against Hector Lombard last year, a loss in which he bled on pretty much every square inch of the canvas and sported an impressively swollen shiner. In Round 4, even with one eye and a waterfall of gore cascading down his face, Hess insisted he was ready to go on. The doctors called it off.

The first minute of Round 1 is a feeling-out process. Shlemenko doesn’t like fighting on the ground, and of course Hess wants to take him down. He does, too, as soon as Shlemenko commits to a high knee. Hess looks to control his opponent and work patiently, keeping Shlemenko on the defensive. There’s a lot of movement, but no damage in the first. Shlemenko does manage to get free briefly at the end of the first, and he goes all whirly kicky-punchy, but as predicted, his strikes are a bit sloppy. Hess tackles him once more before the bell.

Hess rushes for a double leg to begin the second, and Shlemenko applies a guillotine, but no dice. Hess is on top, and he likes it up there. He stays busy with punches, and Shlemenko is realizing that he’s going to have to fight laying down. He throws up a triangle, Hess works out. Hess attempts a rear naked choke, Shlemenko escapes. Storm applies a heel hook, and Test rolls out. Hess winds up on top, and they’ll run out the second with no damage.

Final round, and Hess uses Crane Technique. Just kidding, Shlemenko throws a spinning back kick, and Hess double-legs him to the mat. Shlemenko wall walks up the fence, and then pushes Hess off. With 4:05 left in Round 3, he throws the most effective strike of the bout, a scorching knee straight into The Test’s face. Hess crumples, and Shlemenko dives on top of him in sprawl position. Hess’s leg seems to do something funny, but the commentators are yelling about the huge knee and Hess may be dreaming. Nope, he’s awake, and he’s lively. Shlemenko stands and wings punches, and Hess manages to weave and make every strike miss while on his knees. He stands, and they go back up against the cage. Hess is still on rubber leg, and when Shlemenko tries a standing guillotine, Hess flops down again. Something about his leg…Anyway, Storm takes his back, and Test monkey flips into closed guard. Hess is throwing punches, staying busy, and Shlemenko just can’t figure out how to put this damn American away. He backs out, motioning for Hess to stand. And Hess tries. He really does. But his leg just won’t hold him up. The referee and the ring doc notice this alarming lack of stability, and finally call the fight at 2:20. Hess (of course) says he’s fine, so the doc demonstrates that his lower leg is not meaningfully connected to his knee, much to the horror of anyone watching. Hess would almost definitely have taken a judges’ decision, but Shlemenko wins at 2:20 of Round 3, officially a TKO, Referee Stoppage due to OH MY GOD THAT GUY’S KNEE (OMGTGK). During the replay, it becomes clear that Hess suffers a badly dislocated knee at that 4:05 mark, and dude never quit fighting. No word yet on where he gets a jock strap to fit his enormous balls.

These guys have some history. They’ve met before, where Baker won a split decision — the only loss on Schambari’s record. After winning their quarterfinal matchups, both fighters called one another out, and Bjorn “SuperFan” Rebney was more than willing to put them together. This was one to look forward to for a month, since it seemed as if either guy had a good shot at winning the whole tournament, and there’s a legit rivalry here. This is going to be epic. This is going to be two warriors meeting to settle their accounts, this is going to be two young titans clashing way better than that 3D remake crap. This is going to be….

An anticlimactic quick submission victory, Baker defeats Schambari at 2:29 of Round 1, by submission (triangle choke). Baker caught Schambari in a triangle as soon as they hit the ground, and Schambari hung out in it for a minute and a half before he finally tapped. He really didn’t want to, but he did.

Nik “Garfield” Mamalis vs Mark “The Shark” Oshiro

Bellator runs brief introductions for the little fellas, just so we know who to pull for. Mamalis failed all his coursework in Intimidation at Mean University: he has no mean mug, he mentions in his interview that he lost a board game to his grandmother (and held a grudge about it), and his nickname is “Garfield”. Look on his neon green manties, ye mighty, and despair! Oshiro already has a golden ticket to the 135 scrapdown in August, and he just welcomed a baby girl into the world. So he’s a happy guy. He hasn’t been training as much as he would normally, but shit, he’s been playing with his baby. How you gonna hate on that?

Round 1, and the boys start it off with some slugging. Looks like it might be a crowd-pleaser…and Mamalis scores the first takedown. Mamalis tries to score with some punches, but Oshiro has a good guard. He’s flexible, too, using rubber guard to keep Mamalis close. Garfield works in fists and elbows whenever he can, and scores a nice slam as well, but the first ends with no damage.

Round 2, and they again come out and wing a dozen hooks at one another. Mamalis seems to be getting the short end of the striking, so he weaves around one of Oshiro’s wilder punches and takes his back while standing, then dives to the ground. He works up to a full mount, and Oshiro rolls, giving up his back. Mamalis applies a standard rear naked choke, and squeezes. Nik Mamalis defeats Mark Oshiro at 1:29 of Round 2 via submission (rear naked choke), and he may have just earned himself a slot in the bantamweight tournament in Season 3.

Notes – Lyman Good would have had a SuperFight on this card, but he’s still recovering from an injury. Sorry ‘bout that.

– Alexander Shlemenko meets Bryan Baker in the middleweight finals. I still haven’t seen anything impressive from “The Russian Hurricane”, so I’m picking Baker. Baker should have no problem taking Shlemenko to the ground with his judo, and should easily sub him.

– Eddie Sanchez receives an invitation to the heavyweight tournament on the strength of his come-from-behind win over Marcus Sursa. He joins previously announced participants Cole Konrad, Dave Herman, and Scott Barrett. Sanchez showed nice recovery and a pretty good gas tank for a big fella — something some of the guys have not shown.

Cagepotato Comments

Showing 1-25 of comments

Well, I guess I never really expected you to send my money back, so X-51 oughta smooth things out a bit... as long as it doesn't give me a bad reaction like the X-49 Enzyte/ pheremone did. When you said "penis enlargement" cologne I thought you meant "elongation" and not "swells up to the size of a cantaloupe". Although, technically, that is indeed "enlargement", it did not go over so well with the ladies.

ReX13- May 28, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Mr Mankindhater>> Our apologies, we are sending you a t-shirt, pamphlet, a month's supply of Enzyte, and a sample of our NEW X-51 pheremone cologne additive. Bro hugs?

Mr_Misanthropy- May 28, 2010 at 12:51 pm

Shouldn't the headline read: "Bellator XX Kneecap"?

Almost North- May 28, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Why would anyone not watch belllator? Their weekly shows are mostly better than entire Strikeforce PPVs.

Mr_Misanthropy- May 28, 2010 at 12:14 pm

Oedipus ReX-

I for one am not here to give you any praise. I followed your secret to getting rich: I sent you all my money. Now I am certainly getting proposed to by attractive potential sexual partners but there is one major problem: they're all dudes! What the fuck? Stick to the interweb journalism, which you happen to be good at, you filthy two-bit huckster, because this is the LAST time I ever send my money to one of those goddamn late night infomercials. I should have known something was fucked up when Billy Mays came out cause that guy's supposed to be dead.

Fuck You

A Disgruntled EX-customer

HokeyPokeyLikeAoki- May 28, 2010 at 11:53 am

Damn! I didn't think this was even worth dvr'ing and look at what i missed out on! Way gnarlier than Tito's neck surgery.

macreadysshack- May 28, 2010 at 11:10 am

Rex is actually being paid by Strikeforce. His articles have cemented the fact that not only do I not HAVE to ever actually watch Bellator but I really really don't want to watch it and ruin his awesome set-ups and literary devices.

Basically, watching the fights would ruin the article.

Almost North- May 28, 2010 at 10:53 am

anyone think Sursa would be decent at 205?

VisitingDeadAncestors- May 28, 2010 at 9:23 am

Goooooooood shit.

lol @ (OMGTGK)!

ReX13- May 28, 2010 at 9:18 am

Hess Update: He's just going to duct tape that motherfucker and get back in the cage. "It was only my lcl so I will be off 4 6 weeks. " -via Twitter.

"only my lcl"???? Jesus, Don Frye must LOVE this guy.

Viva Hate- May 28, 2010 at 9:14 am

@Rex,
You suck! Just had to balance it out.

ReX13- May 28, 2010 at 9:12 am

glassjawsh>> i chatted with Roxy after her last fight, and i remember her saying that 125 was a tough cut for her, so...

On the bright side, SF is looking at setting up Kaufman-Modafferi soon.

glassjawsh- May 28, 2010 at 9:08 am

I wonder if roxanne modeferi can cut down to 115? that chick is a beast and deserves a lot more credit than she gets

Bob Reilly- May 28, 2010 at 8:54 am

adrenalin is a hell of a drug!

ReX13- May 28, 2010 at 8:46 am

JohnnyAppleseed>> no worries. i have plenty of people to tell me how much i suck, also.

cecils_pupils- May 28, 2010 at 8:37 am

Hess' leg looks super flexible in that pic... he's got balls for fighting on, but really, he shoulda worked rubber guard from the bottom. :) ZING!

As always, nice write-up ReX.

Jonny Appleseed- May 28, 2010 at 8:33 am

I am with the others, thank you Rex, this is awesome!

You are getting lots of respect on this website, I hope you don't let it go to your head and become like the redengine

ReX13- May 28, 2010 at 8:24 am

Thanks guys, glad you're enjoying this one. Just want to point out that i have some easter eggs out there for you bastards if you're bored. i think i got ben cracking up pretty hard with one of them...

justscrappin- May 28, 2010 at 8:23 am

Actually I think there is a custom shop for huge jocks in india. The only reason I say that...is cuz I saw this video of this guy from India that had elephantitis of the testicle ( yeah just one) and had to have other people in the village help him carry it around and move it upstairs for him...thing looked like a beanbag chair that was filled up with more beans then normal. just sayin.

floppytall- May 28, 2010 at 8:21 am

That was some hilarious commentary ReX13 ReX60,000,000,000

Promise of Stress- May 28, 2010 at 7:57 am

No word yet on where he gets a jock strap to fit his enormous balls.

+1

PortlandMMA- May 28, 2010 at 7:53 am

Also, Sursa bleeding out of ear was not gross at all.

PortlandMMA- May 28, 2010 at 7:50 am

That may or may not ruin Jared Hess' Memorial weekend camping trip.

RwilsonR- May 28, 2010 at 7:27 am

@ jimbonics

No surprise that someone who was a complete nobody in the UFC, and fed to CroCop (back when CroCop was a feared destroyer) for his debut, thinks Bellator treats him better. But I'm always surprised at these jackasses with their, "What has the UFC done for me?" attitude. What did Eddie Sanchez ever do for the UFC? Who gave a shit about Eddie Sanchez when he was there, and what did he do to make us give a shit? Glad you enjoy Bellator, Eddie, because you ain't headed back to the big time anytime soon.

Viva Hate- May 28, 2010 at 7:24 am

I think we have a break through on CP, this appears to be the photo evidence of the missing link.

Suck it creationism!

jimbonics- May 28, 2010 at 6:48 am

Eddie Sanchez post fight interveiw:

"So how do you like fighting in Bellator?"

"Coming from the UFC, Bellator is the Shit! Oops."

Sucks about Jared, seeing as how he trains here in austin (gracieaustin.com)

Great write up ReX! I think the reason I missed it last week is I tuned in too late. Shit started at 7pm and was over at 9 last night. Pretty awesome really.

War Balatir Fightin' Champeens!

airikr- May 28, 2010 at 6:45 am

I've only read the first one and ½ fights but had to stop and say that this is the funniest sh*t I've read in a long time. Props

El Famous Burrito- May 28, 2010 at 6:28 am

Thanks, ReX, these are always good reads. I consistently forget to watch Bellator, so this is the only time I hear anything.

I always wonder about the live broadcast when I read this. It makes me think of that Simpsons episode where soccer comes to town and the American announcers are getting bored and annoyed, and the Spanish announcers are going nuts.

Also, Shlemenko, Shlem-- oh.

Sgt. 606- May 28, 2010 at 6:13 am

Damn it. I missed it again. War Dirty Sanchez! I love that ulgy bastard.

Great job at filling me in ReXy. Are you getting paid yet? You should be.

"I counted: Sursa throws sixty billion strikes in the first minute of Round 2". That shit had me rolling for some reason.