Debbie - She is the product of two useless people, so that makes her something of a pariah.

The Smoochers - With all that booze, you would think that they might be a little farther along.

The Police - They spend their days (and nights) keeping track of the smoochers.

Torgo - The weird and uncoordinated caretaker of the Master's house. Clawed to death by sexually frustrated women.

The Master - He looks like the stereotypical UPS man, but is the leader of a cult dedicated to Manos.

The Master's Many Wives - I think that he is an old school Mormon.

The Plot:

Thanks to the efforts of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew, lots of people are familiar with this movie. I have received numerous requests over the years to review it. It is a classic MST3K episode, but can you comprehend the horror of watching the movie alone and unedited? After only thirty minutes, I could actually feel the blood slowing down as it moved through my brain.

The memory is not getting any better, so let us begin.

The happy little family unit of Mike, Margaret, and Debbie are on a road trip when their luck takes a turn for the worse. No, not a family of mutant cannibals, but lots of driving does bring them to the front door of a forsaken lodge. Torgo lingers in the doorway, acting like a mentally challenged freak. Tired after a long day on the road, dad says, "Gee, this place looks like a good place to spend the night." He instructs the creepy caretaker to carry the family's bags inside.

Meanwhile, the two smoochers are discovered by the roaming policemen and told to move along. This turns into a running gag, with the amorous pair kissing, drinking, and eventually leaving when the officers find the latest roadside love nest. Have you ever kissed someone with several hours of cheap whiskey on their breath? Not the best way to get in the mood.

Inside the lodge is a depiction of the Master and his faithful Doberman. Mike and Margaret spend what seems like (and nearly is) ten minutes obsessing about the painting. They are frightened by the aura of menace that surrounds the canvas. These two should try looking through a book of Giger's artwork (which, by the way, makes a great baby shower present).

That night, Mike investigates chilling howls near the house and an unseen creature kills the family poodle. Then the luckless father discovers the Master's desert shrine. The priest lies upon a stone altar, while his women decorate nearby pillars. All of this is too much for Mike; he runs back to the lodge with every intention of leaving.

Torgo has been using the idle time to chat up Mrs. Useless. He obsesses about the Master and his wives, angry that the polygamous pontiff wants the newest female arrival for his own. The Master wakes after these revelations, so perhaps the servant is telepathically bonded. You know what? I do not care. I want this movie to be over.

The Master rouses all of his wives at the same time, which only proves to me that he is some sort of freaking idiot. The women immediately start arguing and, eventually, fighting over the fate of their guests; the disposition of Debbie seems to be a major point. One wife refuses to harm the child in any way. The debate spirals into chaos as slaps and sharp fingernails start flying. The fight lasts for about twenty minutes.

Elsewhere, the Master has a stare-off with Torgo. The idiot (that would be Torgo) loses and is consigned to death. The priest has to stop his consorts' battle royal en progress (thank goodness), but soon the dissenting wife and Torgo are tied up and ready for slaughter.

Speaking of staring, if I was a goldfish and could not blink, this movie would be the death of me.

Failing to start the car, Mike is forced to drag his wife and child into the desert. They get absolutely nowhere. Clear night, not too bad terrain, and the bozo cannot lead them to safety. Look for a glow on the horizon or find Polaris and get your bearings, you worthless sack of flesh! I refuse to believe that we are the same species. Mein Gott! Mr. Useless eventually gives up and settles on the bright idea of hiding at the Master's house. Soon the cleric of Manos has them in his power, despite Mike's revolver (useless, just like its owner).

The title alone should warn people away. "Manos" is Spanish for "hands" and that is about as clever as the film ever gets. Listening to the Master crowing about his deity's power or staring at ten minutes of women arguing is nothing to be proud of.

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Hell is filled with bad lounge singers.

Hooch, not Big Red, is the best way to hold a kiss for hours.

Poodles make for poor guard dogs.

Moths are attracted to light sources. (The filmmakers did not seem to learn this lesson.)

Trying to beat someone's brains out against soft, sandy ground, is futile.

Women are impatient when they are horny.

I need to get out more.

Stuff To Watch For:

2 mins - Punch buggy blue!

12 mins - Goat man walking.

21 mins - You know, if I were Margaret, I would be worried that "The Master" was a euphemism.

42 mins - A little something for the guys... ...what am I saying? This is idiocy!

50 mins - Stared at my toes for five minutes. That was pretty cool.

61 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A RATTLESNAKE!

63 mins - What is it with poor jump edits and the police?

68 mins - This movie cost me $20. For $8 I could have purchased a can of paint and watched it dry for sixty-eight minutes.

Quotes:

Torgo: "But master, you have six wives. Why can't I have one for myself?" The Master: "You are not one of us. Therefore you cannot have one of them!"

This movie is the definition of 'bad movie'. From lights to sound to acting and location, absolutely nothing was done right. I've seen movie with more painful plots and more painful acting but this one is just bad all 'round.

I admit that i've only seen the MST episode showing this movie, but that was enough for me. As far as i'm concerned, the only good line came when one of Manos's wives said "Man yes; child no" and Tom followed it up with "Cheese, maybe!"

You, sir, are to be saluted for watching the non-MST version of this film...I know I wouldn't be able to do it, at least not without some serious alcohol in me...the first time I watched the MST episode was with my cousin when I was about 14 or 15...Torgo freaked her out, and over the next few weeks I was constantly getting punched by her for playing with her hair like Torgo did in the film and saying "THe MAstER lIKes yOU"...to this day it still freaks her out. It was years before I saw it again, after having bought the DVD of the MST version. Without Joel and the Bots to help, I imagine that this film could be an implement of torture the Spanish Inquisition only WISHED it could have had...

Did anyone notice the bad editing & continuity errors when Mrs. Useless keeps appearing with head scarf off then on, then off, then on??? Man I laughed my ass off at this stinkburger, made more palatable by MST3K. and I thought "The Creeping Terror" was the worst film I'd ever seen.

This is soooooooooooooooo bad, I'm surprised Robert Rodriguez hasn't decided to do a remake of it! Just think - Antonio Banderaz as the Master! Johnny Depp as Torgo!! (or would Cheech Marin work better there?) Quentin Tarantino as Mr Useless!!!