Hookup Culture Wreaks Havoc on Campus

New research reveals that a many students find themselves in a fog of depression, confusion, and hurt.

When college freshmen arrive on campus, they expect to study, but many of them expect to party even more.

On campuses today, that partying usually involves drinking, sometimes to the point of passing out. No wonder the typical college party is dubbed “drunkworld.” And as Lisa Wade, PhD, documents in alarming detail in her new book, American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, these parties usually have a single goal in mind: to engage in a “hookup” – physical intimacy between students who are veritable strangers. Students hope and expect that these trysts will be fun and exciting, a ticket to social acceptance and a validation of their desirability, even their value as an individual. Predictably and sadly, these encounters often result in deep feelings of regret, shame and anger.

In truth, a majority of students shun the hookup culture – or at least try to.

Dr. Wade’s book peels away several myths about college students and how they engage – or not – with the pervasive, oppressive hookup culture. College culture encourages promiscuity, but one of the biggest myths is that nearly all students indulge in these mindless, depressing encounters. In truth, a majority of students shun the hookup culture – or at least try to. Some get worn down by peer pressure and relent, but they, like the students who expected this “freedom” to be fulfilling, instead find themselves in a fog of depression, confusion, and hurt.

Dr. Wade’s research was culled from data from the Online College Social Life Survey, containing responses by more than 24,000 students over a six-year period. The associate professor of sociology at Occidental College in Pasadena, California also interviewed many of her own students and read hundreds of other first-hand accounts of intimacy on campus written for various media outlets, including college publications.

Dr. Wade does not condemn the practice of casual physical intimacy among college students. “As a sociologist, that’s not my job,” she explains. However, her research led her to conclude that the hookup culture is “an occupying force, coercive and omnipresent . . . Deep in the fog, students often feel dreary, confused, helpless. Many behave in ways they don’t like, hurt other people unwillingly, and consent to sexual activity they don’t desire.” The hookup problem is hardly limited to college life: “What’s happening on college campuses is happening everywhere.”

Her book is filled with first-person accounts (with much graphic language) of students who survived the hookup culture with varying degrees of trauma. Most are heartrending.

“I thought there was something wrong with me.”

“I arrived on campus with my innocence in my left hand, my morals in my right. I dropped them within two weeks of my arrival and they fell to the ground and crumbled,” one young woman wrote. A young man admitted that despite his background as one with substantial experience with physical intimacy and his expectations of a good time, “I (still) had values. College seemed to strip them away from me.”

One in three students interviewed said that their intimate relationships have been “traumatic” or “very difficult to handle.”

Most students don’t have the sense of self to reject the social pressure of the hookup culture. One in three students interviewed said that their intimate relationships have been “traumatic” or “very difficult to handle.” Ten percent say they had been sexually coerced or assaulted in the past year. This is all coupled with “a persistent malaise: a deep, indefinable disappointment” in their social experiences. “They worry that they’re feeling too much or too little,” Dr. Wade writes. “They are frustrated and feel regret, but they’re not sure why. They consider the possibility that they’re inadequate, unsexy, and unlovable.”

The cruelty of hookup culture has a snowball effect. Students who are judged as being “worthy” or not based on a one-second look are prone to feeling unhappy and insecure. Yet the more they are rejected, the more they feel the need to get another student to want them. And the most vulnerable students are the ones most likely to be targeted for exploitation or even assault.

When Dr. Wade reassured one student that it was perfectly legitimate for her not to want the partying-hookup action, she burst into tears. “I thought there was something wrong with me,” she admitted.

Although most campuses have clubs based on religious affiliations, the clubs seem to have little influence on the wider college culture. Even at religiously affiliated schools, Dr. Wade reports that the more religiously focused students do not feel supported by campus administrators in their moral views. “I have students who feel deeply alone in their faith and suffer ‘guilt beyond imagination’ for their hookup experiences,” she said in an interview with Aish.com. As for secular colleges, Dr. Wade has never heard them even mention the existence of the religious-based clubs.

College administrators are not focused on this issue, despite its widespread harmful impact on students’ emotions, and even physical health. They are focused on the very serious issue of sexual assault, apparently not connecting the dots between the pervasive and degrading hookup culture and how it may lead to the problem of sexual assault.

The deadening effect of hookup culture makes them fearful of trying to have a normal, romantic relationship during college or for years after.

Dr. Wade’s interviews with students show that the deadening effect of hookup culture also makes them fearful of trying to have a normal, romantic relationship during college or for years after. Students are too young to realize that it is impossible to separate acts of physical intimacy from emotion – even if they’re drunk. And those who learned to suppress or compartmentalize their emotions to protect themselves during their experiences are damaged emotionally. For many who have been victimized by the hookup culture, they have no idea how to have a real romance.

Dr. Wade worries about the trend lines that strongly encourage individualism and putting oneself first, coupled with the ongoing denigration of femininity. She asks, “Who will stand up for love and connection?”

Judaism stands up for love and connection. The Torah places safeguards around the temptations of physical intimacy because it recognizes its intense power and potential. In Judaism, intimacy is meant for marriage, where both partners ideally feel respected, safe, and loved. Even within marriage, there are boundaries meant to maintain both the excitement of that connection while securing needed space for each partner. Many in modern society criticize the Torah’s guidelines about intimacy as outdated. But as Dr. Wade’s book reveals, without guidelines that acknowledge human nature, “freedom” quickly turns to chaos on a personal, and even societal level. Ironically, the ancient yet timeless Torah teaches that it is exactly our wise boundaries that are best able to nurture the most respectful, fulfilling and loving relationships.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 7

(6)
Dr C D Goldberg,
April 20, 2017 11:30 AM

The importance of moral and religious education both in the home and at the church or synagogue

In the home that I grew up, I was taught two things with regards to eating, namely not to eat meat and milk at the same time and not to eat pork, bacon or related products. This was not ever done by force or coercion, however bring pork into the home would not be taken kindly either. In my first year in primary school, I went to a Jewish home for supper. The hostess opened a tin of Vienna Sausages, and boiled them, and they were the best tasting Vienna's that I have eaten. Now I remember that tin, and proceeded to purchase that tin on a few occasions, and when I could read and learned to read ingredients on containers and labels, and the moment I discovered that there was pork in the sausages, I promptly stopped consuming them and became more stricter on dietary laws than the people around me. This I could do because, I was given the right to refuse anything on the table that I did not like or did not consider that to be food either. Now getting to university and college life, children have to buy into sexual morality, and they should be taught the importance of sexual abstenace and thought from an early age, in the home, school, cheder and synagogue / church, and this must be done with love, compassion and understanding. Sex is only to be conducted ideally by two heterosexual individuals, once they have been married and not before. A thorough understanding of Leviticus Chapter 18 is needed, also note that this is the portion of Torah that is read during Mincha of Yom Kippur.

(5)
Nancy,
April 19, 2017 8:27 PM

To commenter Rob

I agree with you re: character education. However, I still maintain that some students are simply not mature enough to go away to school at the age of 17 or 18. I also think there is no shame in a high school student admitting that he/she may not be ready to live in a dorm away from home.

(4)
Anonymous,
April 19, 2017 3:29 PM

patrents you reap what you sow

17 18 years old hey there grandparents still thought of them as babies and just ten years later there suddenly adults there so intelligent there parents want too nurture it so they keep them away from social lives and when they get into a colleage its all pent up there excited they want to be popular and not alone there seeking new family you cant blame them there suddenly throw into independent life situation after having no independence and there bound to make mistakes maybe if parents better prepair there kids for the exspirience by exposeing them to the eviles sides of alcohol and promiscuity take them to bars and strip clubes make them think you had the same experience and maybe in order to be different from you they will be less tempted to make rash decisions

(3)
R. Smith,
April 19, 2017 3:18 PM

No to hookups

Hookups cannot be supported if you look into human biology and the physiology that takes place when two people have sex for the first time.

(2)
Anonymous,
April 19, 2017 1:55 PM

Does this really surprise anybody?

Does it really surprise anybody that drunkenness, drugs, and sex with anything and everything that moves brings about hurt, depression, and self-loathing? These days, students and young adults don't even know what self-respect is...they've not only never been taught, most have never seen any examples of an adult with self-respect! You can't act like an immoral sub-human and expect to feel good about yourself! Sometime, somehow, someone has to label this conduct as just what it is- immoral and self-destructive!

(1)
Nancy,
April 19, 2017 11:50 AM

Levels of maturity

I also question the maturity levels of college age students. IMO, many of them are not socially ready to live away from home at the age of 17 or 18. Under age drinking runs rampant on college campuses and we see how pervasive the damage can be. Maybe the first order of business is to tackle this very serious problem. After all, nobody of any age has good judgment if he/she is intoxicated. Judy--I hope you had a lovely and meaningful Pesach.

Rob,
April 19, 2017 2:43 PM

Alcohol does indeed make it harder

Alcohol does indeed play a role by lowering inhibitions and adding allure to an otherwise lesser party atmosphere (can't imagine hookup culture with afternoon teas and "dry" dinner parties). But character education, such as that found in religious training might help reduce the peer pressure of both alcohol consumption and correlated hookup activity

I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...