Hello Adrien Brody in love…

This must be why the ordinarily private Oscar winner has allowed his home to be photographed featuring him posing on the grounds and inside with his girlfriend Spanish actress Elsa Pataky.

Elsa’s career isn’t exactly on par with his.

But this won’t hurt, will it?

“I wouldn’t be here without Elsa, because I wouldn’t have had the courage to take a step this big,” he tells Hello Canada in their new issue.

And …

He bought her a castle. Without telling her, he made the purchase, then presented it to her on her birthday. Later on he gave her some horses too. A CASTLE!

!!!

(Duana: but it’s in upstate New York. That doesn’t count as a castle!)

When asked if he could recall the day they met, Adrien recounts: Yeah, absolutely. It was a miracle. I was going to do the film Manolete and I wanted to work on a southern Spanish accent.So I reached out to my voice-dialect coach from The Pianist, a wonderful woman named Julie Adams. It just so happens that Elsa was also studying with her, to improve her English dialect. I was there at Julie’s house and Elsa walked in – she was coming in for a lesson after me. The first time I saw her I was completely spellbound. I told Elsa later that I was so uncomfortable because she was so beautiful and so lovely and sweet. I became very self-conscious. But I remember everything. I remember what she wore, and I remember she had a cute little convertible, and I was like, “Wow! She even has a cute car!” I’m not very forward, but I knew I had to somehow stay in touch with her. The only thing I could think of was that she was going to be in Spain. And I said, “I’m going to be in Spain and I don’t know anybody. Maybe I could take you to lunch when you’re there.” I called her when I was in Spain and we had dinner at a little cozy restaurant.

And it goes on and on. Seriously. He cannot stop spraying his love all over the magazine:

Adrien: [to Elsa, squeezing her hand] Do you remember when we were at a party in Cannes, and a woman sitting behind us told us, “Thank you for making me believe in love again”? We both feel really blessed to have found someone that we not only love, that we are deeply attracted to, but also who shares similar views on life. Elsa has brought so much positive energy into my life.

Ugh.

I’m writing this on a coach headed to our hotel right now and it could be the motion sickness but I’m overcome by nausea.

Adrien Brody? A member of the Freebie 5 is full of Rossum?

Rossum! Adrien! No!

That’s not even the worst of it. The entire article is pure cheese hell.

When you give a girl a castle and sell your love soul to a magazine, you essentially lose the power. Adrien has totally lost the power.

He’s posing in his f&cking bathtub! And with horses! And a tractor! And his EYES ARE CLOSED!!!

How is this different from Spencer and Heidi?

Please.

Elsa Pataky will be making many movies.

And there are many, many, MANY more of these exclusive photos in the new issue of Hello Canada.