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#NQR (To All Tufts Students: Update to Code of Conduct)

our beloved NQR tradition has officially been slaughtered, thrust to the ground with one single last blow as alcohol seeps from it

to quote from the Daily:

“Dean of Student Affairs Bruce Reitman sent an email to students and their families yesterday explaining that any student who participates in the Naked Quad Run (NQR) this year will face suspension for the spring 2012 semester.”

so now that that’s over and done with (make sure your parents got the “safe” email!), Barry Krakow (defense.of.jumbo@gmail.com) had some remarks to make about it, because everyone knows how well middle aged bureaucracy responds to sarcasm:

Dear Tufts Students,

I am writing to inform you of a new threat to the safety of our idealand chaste campus. It has come to my attention, and the attention ofthe Board of Trustees, that certain groups of students areparticipating in daily or near-daily activities that they refer to as“showers.”

These “showers” involve students stripping fully naked and pouringwater over themselves while standing on slippery tiles, often at earlyhours of the morning or late hours of the night. On weekends,students are often intoxicated or hung-over, posing an even greaterpersonal risk. A particularly malicious form of shower is the“couple’s shower,” in which, in violation of social mores andUniversity protocols, students shower together.

The Super-Secret Student/Faculty Committee on Un-Tuftsy Activities, incooperation with the Permanent Subcommittee on Things That Would MakeJumbo Cry, has agreed to consider including a ban of the “shower” inthe student Code of Conduct for the School of Arts, Sciences andEngineering, the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, and the Schoolof Arts and Crafts. If passed, the Code would state that any studentcaught showering or suspected of showering will face a one-semesterdisciplinary suspension from Tufts. We recommend the purchase ofhooded, waterproof jackets, as it is up to the discretion of theadministration how much rain counts as a shower, weathermen be damned.

I am asking for your cooperation and good judgment. Showering is notworth any of you jeopardizing your academic record at the University.

The possible risks of showering far outweigh the benefits. Reportshave shown a positive correlation between Sexually TransmittedInfections, general cleanliness, and showers (especially couple’sshowers). University administrators, faculty, and public safetyofficials worry more about student safety related to this activitythan anything else. Students may express disgust at the smell oftheir classmates, but I assure you: you’ll get used to it.

The TCU Meteorological Committee reports that it may snow during theexciting and storied Tufts tradition of WinterFest. Naturalprecipitation during WinterFest is not meant to replace showering, andit will be subject to the restrictions on total body hydration.

We know some students may wonder if the University is serious aboutenforcing the decision of the Committees. We are. Showering is athreat to society, and we will try to help lead you away fromtemptation by arresting and suspending you so that you avoid thepermanent record that results from arrest and suspension. Yes, youread that correctly.

Sincerely,

Barry Krakow

Deputy Dean of Student Affairs, and Co-Chair, Permanent Subcommitteeon Things That Would Make Jumbo Cry

BEWARE OF THE SHOWERS. let’s not lose any Tufts students to the showers.

that being said, you can totes run ANYWAY at these events that are a bit altered but still sound AWESOME, and hopefully you won’t get suspended: