As many of you know by now, I am a big fan of The New Girl. I think it’s the most underappreciated new comedy of the 2011-2012 network season. At first I was right there with the haters, yelling about Zooey Deschanel/Jess’s indie/hipster affectations, but honestly, the show is really, really well-written and funny. One of the best parts of the show is the supporting character of Schmidt, Jess’s anal retentive, metrosexual, douchebag roommate, played brilliantly by Max Greenfield. Unfortunately, I now feel like I have to hate the show in general and Max Greenfield in particular. Why, perchance? Because I just found out that Dame Gwyneth Paltrow LOVES the show and Max Greenfield in particular. DAMN IT, GOOP. Stop ruining everything!!

In her current issue of Goop (the weekly newsletter), Gwyneth talks up the show and then allows Max Greenfield to “guest edit” Goop for the week. It doesn’t matter that he’s completely charming and funny (he is, by the way). It only matters that I can’t love the same boy as Goop.

This past September, I made a discovery that has made my life a better, happier place: the show New Girl, of course! I fell in TV love with Schmidt, played by Max Greenfield, who’s the kind of guy you lusted after at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. I asked him to edit our issue this week. Enjoy. And thank you, Max.

She hands the reins over to Max and he quickly explains his email-relationship with Gwyneth and in the span of several paragraphs, he manages to poke fun at her famous Duck Ragu recipe, the Oprah/Goop-ification of wishy-washy “happiness” seeking, and of the endless consumerism that Gwyneth shills. It’s kind of brilliant:

I recently connected with Gwyneth Paltrow and explained to her how much I love goop. Being all that Gwyneth is, she has allowed me to write a piece for the site, which you are now hopefully about to read.
-mg

“Zen and the Art of Goop”

Now that that’s out of the way, my name is Max Greenfield. I am an actor living in Los Angeles and currently play the role of “Schmidt” on Fox’s New Girl. I am husband to an amazing wife and father to an incredible two-year-old daughter. I am thirty-blah-blah-blah-years-old and have achieved the greatest goal one can achieve — I am happy with my life.

How much of my happiness has to do with the fact that I now e-mail with GP? It’s definitely a percentage. Be it a small one, this is my truth and I am okay with it.

The remainder of my happiness is derived from one simple mantra: “Stop thinking, surrender and goop”. To the extent that I am able to do this, my life is perfect.

Not thinking can be difficult. Surrender even more so. For example, how am I supposed to be “Ready for Summer” when I was never “Ready for Spring”? I could sit on the couch in my Rag & Bone high-neck sweater and spin out on this for a full week and by Thursday all I’m thinking is what a disaster fall is going to be!

Then I remember to stop thinking. I remember that today is just today and that is all that it is. I take a deep breath in and I realize that in this moment I am fine and everything is okay. More importantly, I am reminded that my A.P.C. jeans are so perfectly worn in that they are appropriate for any season and I am suddenly at ease. It is at this moment that I have surrendered.

The third part of my mantra, and perhaps the most important, is goop. I use this as an adjective. The trick to goop is that it is not about me. It’s not about my Scrapbook from Marrakesh or my Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Soap and dare I say it’s not even about Gwyneth. It’s about what I can add to the lives of the people around me. Goop is about giving. It’s about bringing people together.

After all, Gwyneth’s recipe for Duck Ragu was never intended for one. But like I said before, this is not a recipe for Duck Ragu.

Greenfield then goes on to list his “Ten Best” things that he’s into currently. One of them is George Clooney’s Lake Como house, which is kind of awesome. The list is very Schmidt-y and it does make me wonder if Max Greenfield is secretly a lot like Schmidt. So… I’m torn. I’m torn between wanting to hate all things Goop and all things that Goop likes, and wanting Max Greenfield/Schmidt to guest edit all Goop newsletters from here on out.

Here are some photos of Goop leaving a Jay-Z/Kanye concert two nights ago.

I tried with New Girl, I really did, but five minutes of Zooey “I’m 31 YEARS OLD but I’m still so cute & quirky!” Deschanel and I found myself blinding punching at the TV hoping to chance upon the off switch.

don’t give up!! i was definitely in the same boat as you on the zooey deschanel thing in the beginning, but i SWEAR she gets soo much better. and also there is much more character development where there is more focus on characters like schmidt, nick and even winston (!!) and the writing is so much better, it’s kind of almost like a new show? anyways, i’m done, i just wanted to let you know that i was in the same place as you but i now love it you should give it a chance

Yeah, I watched 4 or 5 episodes and I really gave it a chance but it’s so, so bad. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Maybe it’s supposed to appeal to the pretty and popular teenage girl who thinks she’s SUCH a nerd for knowing who Gollum is and wears glasses without lenses because she’s so uncool!!!11!

I’ve tried, many times over, but each time gets me more murderous. Can I say that, more murderous?

They all get on my nerves. The last one I tried was when the Super thinks he is invited for a ménage-à-trois. Embarrassing, uncomfortable, just murder inducing. I’ve tried, but Zoey is just not cute, just too forced, unnatural.

I liked her as Pepper Pots. Honestly, I don’t get the vitriol towards this woman. Is she an uber-rich celebrity who is out of touch with most of her audiences real lives? Sure. Is her Goop website slightly unrelateable? Yeah…I’ll give you that. But it’s not diabolical. She’s harmless.

Now, I could a sane person and say, ‘So?’ But I don’t come here to play sane, I have to do that the rest of the day, every day, so bump that! It’s time to Nourish My Inner Derelict! Annnnd…..go!

And she’s watching us, people. We’ll sit here, twiddling our thumbs and thinking, ‘There is no way she’s going to wage a war on two fronts, that’s unfeasible!’ Not if she’s quick in her terror deployments, people, it would never have to get to simultaneous carnage with Glee to the east and New Girl to the west if she picks them off individually and quickly. All she really needs is her own lightspeed, her larger than normal reserve of various resources and reliable intelligence to supply her with the information that confirms how long it would take for all of these shows to gird their loins against the assault and strike before each show protects itself to completion or even think of installing Trench One. Genius.

You see, the feelers are out already, and with her Enigmatic Storm Manual (GOOP), both her cronies and lady herself have been gauging how long it would take for us to moblize ourselves after the shock of the declaration wears off. And it has already been going on for years. She has the information already, people! Glee is about to fall, so it’s safe enough to let it choke itself out while her forces change direction and come for the next prize.

She’s Schlieffen Plan-ning us, people. Do we really want to get stuck with eating Yardleys Anderson for breakfast every day. Do we even know if that’s safely ingestible? How far will her desired empire expand? I don’t know how I’d deal with the change. Imagine:

The Iron Colon, The Scourge of Carbs, The Goopo-Plebian War, The Blonde of Troubles, Beyonce The Magnificent and Jay-Z The Confessor, The Brit Commune, The Batalli Familia, Poor Little Chloe Girl. The Thirty Figures War, Shakespeare in Uggs, The Battle of Bosworth’s Field (yeah, I said it)…

Wow, thanks! That is such an incredibly kind thing to say and honestly, I’m really touched. I always enjoy what you have to say, and on my life I’m not saying that just to be cordial in response… or to fluff my own ego since our ideas align the way that ours do and your agreement confirms my genius. Now, there’s a big ol’ grin on my face, thanks to you and once again, I so appreciate your kind words. Now, my Canadian ‘Aw, shucks’ effusiveness is taking over. You’re a sweet lady.

I completely love New Girl. I too expected to hate it and was initially annoyed by Zooey D’s cute-quirky act but I swear that show is so relatable and fun! I still can’t stand Zooey D’s singing voice but luckily they’ve backed off on that. They’ve really made an ensemble show with six fantastic characters.

I’m with Kaiser. It’s completely ridiculous and a tad immature to get worked up over a Goops/M. Greenfield relationship of any kind. And yet, the thought of how much she likes him and the series makes me consciously fight to keep my upper lip from curling into a snarl.

his subtle busts on her ‘i’m your new guru’ lameness are great.
goop always wanted to be on tv. she tried out for 90210. she was in some awful made for tv movies back in the day. she’s the one that called maniston ‘that tv girl’. she should be thankful if tv will have her. she can’t open a movie and can’t get supporting roles unless rdj/someone pulls strings/calls in favors. would anyone even watch a show if she was the star?

I love that show, but I am confused. I was always waiting for him to come out of the closet. Now he is Goopy’s girlfriend and then says he has a wife? Major confusion here. Kaiser, metrosexual? Really? Schmidt or Max, honey, you look gay to me. G-A-Y. Nothing wrong with that.

I try to refrain from commenting on people’s sexuality but since you said it first I just have to say that I totally agree! I’ve only watched a few eps of the show but I was 100% certain that Max Greenfield is gay. But he has a wife??? Actually, that was one of my issues with the show-the Schmidt character seemed so obviously gay that I couldn’t really buy him as a player type. Unlike say, Neil Patrick Harris’s character on How I Met Your Mother. Guess my gayday needs re-tuning!

Exactly! Neil Patrick Harris rocks as Barney Stinson. He totally kills it – even better than Rupert Everett. If you want to shag a gay guy, you know he is an awesome actor.
I really thought the obvious storyline for New Girl would be Schmidt finally coming to terms with his real gay destiny. Isn’t that gonna happen?

What ruined this show for me was letting hysterical shippers chanting about how they “OMG WANT NICK N JESS 2GTHER RN” run the show. Why couldn’t she just live with three males without having to date one? Or why couldn’t she date Winston? Why couldn’t she just be independent? Or date someone she wasn’t roommates with?

Anyhoodle, I’m with Kaiser, it’s irrational…but anything Goop likes, ugh. She some how just sucks the fun out of everything with her super smug powers of smugness.

Does Gwenyth realize he is bagging on her? If so then I truly appreciate that she can laugh at herself. If she doesnt know than I am scared for her if she really thinks he loves Goop and isnt making fun of it.

If I have to see this site mess up the title of “New Girl” one more time I’m gonna go ballistic … I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. Probably because you always talk about how much you love the show, and yet you have no interest in learning the proper name of it.

Although at this point I’m pretty convinced that you’re doing it on purpose just to irk your anal retentive readers (i.e. me). Aggh.

I’ve grown pretty tired of all the Gwyneth hate. I get the GOOP newsletter and I have to say, as a single mom/bartender, she is great about sharing restaurants, sites, etc., that are friendly to my lower income. I don’t think she acts better than everyone else. She, in my opinion, acts like someone who has been fortunate in life but can still get down with the LES. Perhaps she is a bitch but if I were famous there would be a lot of soundbites I’d rather people not hear. Just because their celebs doesn’t mean they can no longer just be themselves.

Also, when I refer to “celebs” I am referencing people who are actual artists, musicians, and actors. That does not reference the reality tv prossies who are merely seeking fame and notoriety. I also am not saying there isn’t a celebrity whom I don’t give the benefit of the doubt, however, she just seems too easy a target at this point. My only complaint is that her fashion sense has gone a bit more juvenile and it’s less exciting to see her clothing choices these days.

I do really like the series, but I think of it as The Schmidt Show. He’s amazing. It’s one of the absurd idiocies of the show that everyone acts like he’s repulsive when he’s charming, good-looking and the breakout star of the show.

Nick is a whiny loser. Winston is forgettable (I’m not even sure that’s the character’s name.) It’s bizarre that we’re supposed to root for Nick and Jess to get together; it’s like rooting for 90s Winona and Ethan all over again. I think the most age-inappropriate aspect of this 31-year-old woman is her apparent attraction to a resentful semi-employed depressive — right after she got dumped by his schmo doppelgänger.

That said, besides the awesome that is Schmidt, the show has some of the most exhilaratingly realistic, earnest yet silly guy argument/fight scenes since Daniel Cleaver and Mr. Darcy had a punch-up in the fountain.

I won’t let the goopy goose ruin it for me (I’m thinking of her nasal honk)! It is typical Gwynnie arrogance, though, not to be content to watch the show — she got her agent to get his coordinates so she could patronize him directly.

what?!omg i can believe dere r pple out dere who like dat show “the new girl”is d worst! comedy show i have ever seen on tv.it is not cute and it is not funny.”how i met your mother” is funny “whitney” is funny not dat stupid show gosh!