Who Cares, USA -- Miley Cryus is 18 now, which means creepy older men can date her and knock her up without being arrested. That said, only security guards, distance and the prospect of being jailed for statutory rape prevented them from doing so before. The sheer amount of interest in what most people would consider mundane features of existence, the processes of ageing and reproducing, is quite phenomenal and is expected to eclipse all other items of news for the remainder of the month of November.

Miss Cyrus was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, and it has been speculated that she is attempting to avoid drawing attention to her newly legal status. This is probably because if all the people who have expressed an interest in sleeping with her do sleep with her, our experts have calculated that she will do nothing else until her 53rd birthday. There has been some controversy today about her having a birthday party and dressing like every other young woman does for a birthday party, that is to say, not dressing very much at all. For those of you who care, she apparently got it on with some guy; we don't have any idea who he is, but only E! care enough find out.

Twitter went mad with everyone saying happy birthday to her, but because she isn't on Twitter this turned out to be like putting pervert chum in the ocean of the internet. Everyone listed on any kind of register decided to offer their congratulations in the form of the word 'Fap', usually accompanied by an image of Miss Cyrus looking female or a vivid description of what they would do were they in bed with her and not in prison/Canada. This journalist doesn't know what 'Fap' means, however, and unsurprisingly lacks the interest or temerity to Google it.

Happy birthday from UnNews, Miley! Perhaps your next birthday will coincide with something less interesting than you ageing the same way all of us have done every day for however long we have been alive, but this is unlikely.