Horrified Teen Makes Hippie Parents Flush Pot Stash

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local teen Marigold Sunshine Johnson is being hailed as a hero by other insufferable Hermione-wannabes after recently catching her parents with marijuana and making them flush it down the toilet. The 14-year-old high school freshman knew something wasn’t right when she heard giggling from the basement late one evening and saw a pile of spilled Cheetos on the carpet.

“At first I thought they were just burning incense—they are SUCH hippies!—but then I heard my mom giggling and asking my dad to pass the blunt, and I was like ‘they are totally smoking marijuana!’” Johnson told Hartford police officer Dan Stephens during her call to the local police station.

“And how do you know what marijuana smells like, young lady?” Stephens asked her sternly, according to the transcript of the call.

“Sir, my name is Marigold Sunshine. My parents are the biggest hippies on the planet, and they have been dragging me to folk festivals and war protests since birth. Of course I know what pot smells like. Just get me out of here before my PSAT scores drop anymore from their toxic fumes,” Johnson insisted.

After Stephens hung up, certain he had been on the receiving end of a prank call, Johnson stormed into the basement, demanding her parents flush the weed, rolling papers and leftover brownie bits down the toilet immediately.

“But Marigold, you’re in choir, tennis, judo and calligraphy club, and you’re studying for the PSATs—we just needed a little release from all the driving and quizzing,” Johnson’s mother pleaded.

“Yeah, and it’s legal in like half the country, honey,” her father added.

“Well it’s ILLEGAL IN CONNECTICUT, and I could get a contact high even upstairs in my room from that crap. Don’t you care about my future? If I don’t ace the PSAT, I’ll never get into all the Advanced Placement classes, and then you can forget Yale,” Johnson was overhead yelling through the window.

Neighbors reported Johnson then stormed off to her room while her parents put on an old Cheech and Chong movie and lit some patchouli sticks.