I got 3 e-mails from my net friend in Malaysia. She's a retired teacher there.Here they are: First: THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

Second:

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. "No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.

"Damn," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

And third:

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Signs Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************* At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ************************** On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" **************************At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." *************************And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." ************************** Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Side note to those that said I wouldn't post these . You don't know me that well, do you ?

To those that wish to complain.. Send all complaints to the administrators.

And to those that enjoy a little PG13 humour.. I hope you had a very Merry Christmas ! Stay safe and warm into the New Year