Monday, December 11, 2017

Running out of 2017! Keeping it short this time around, both in terms of write-ups and intros, but happy to report that I got a ton of flicks in – the same number as I did for the October Challenge, as fate would have it. Thanks to the packed schedules that comprised the inaugural voyage of Cinepocalypse at the Music Box and the 15th annual Gobblerfest known as Turkey Day, as well as an impromptu Michael Haneke film festival (inspired by a short film I recently shot called So I Watch You from Afar, which was itself inspired by Haneke’s Cache), the numbers tallied up to a respectable monthly tally in a year that has seen precious few of them.

As always, feel free to leave your two cents worth – we’ll make sure you get some change back.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Our titular teen protagonist (Sandra Escacena) does not have what many would consider an easy life. Her father recently died in a tragic accident, her mother works all hours to keep a roof above their heads, and she is tasked with caring for her three younger siblings, everything from breakfast to homework to bedtime baths. One day, knowing that the rest of the class will be outside observing a solar eclipse, she and two friends sneak downstairs to the school’s basement to try to contact her passed-on papa via a Ouija board; predictably, things do not go as planned and dark spirits begin to slip into every darkened corner of Veronica’s life, threatening her and everyone close to her.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

It was never my intention to dive back into the movie watching fray with such gusto following the madness that was the October Horror Movie Challenge and Scare-A-Thon 2017. Not because I watched so many titles (the final total of 31 was the bare minimum; in years past, I’ve watched over 100), but because it was a jam-packed month what with First Folio’s The Man-Beast and doing full-length DVD/Blu-ray reviews at the same time that I was holding down my personal training practice. In short, it was a full plate, and I was looking forward to chilling out come November. But all that changed with an email from our very own Music Box Theatre, informing us that Cinepocalypse was upon us!

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Considered by many to be Il Maestro’s masterwork, this fiercely original tale of an exclusive (and haunted) German ballet school exhibits more personal style and verve in its opening ten minutes than many directors demonstrate in a lifetime. The arrival of American dance student Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) coincides with a series of bizarre, violent deaths within the academy, and while the film’s coven-of-witches storyline is tenuous at best, Argento’s striking camerawork and audacious colored lighting more than compensate.

An amusing diversion that mashes up a few well-worn tropes (cabin in the woods, psycho killer, cannibals, zombies) and assembles an amiable and game cast to play them out. In this case, it’s a single dad (Donavon Stinson) toting his boozy gal pal (Valerie Tian), his bratty teens (Lizzie Boys, Gabriel LaBelle), and their wallflower (Matthew Nelson-Mahood) friend out to the boonies for a little chilltime. Upon reaching their remote cabin location, they discover that their nearest neighbor is a hot cougar number (Lauren Holly) with a penchant for dressing up in skin-tight leather and luring the local frat bros back to her domicile to serve as the family meal.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

For those not in the know, The October Horror Movie Challenge, at least as I have come to know and honor it, was born on the IMDb Horror message boards over a decade ago. The original rules were relatively simple: Watch 31 horror films over the course of the month, 16 of which have to be first-time viewings. Of course, for those with a combination of spare time and an enthusiastic spirit of adventure, it also could be used as an excuse to bury oneself in the genre for 31 days, rediscovering old favorites and delving into the "why have I never watched that?" pile.

With my October plates filled to overflowing with onstage performances (one week left to First Folio's The Man-Beast), teaching self-defense workshops, and a full slate of personal training clients, I elected to return to the basics. 31 flickers were viddied from Oct 1 through 31, 16 of which had never passed before these wondering, wandering eyes before. As always, there were highs and lows (more of the former than the latter), and all in the service of our ultimate goal, to raise funds and awareness for a charitable organization. This year's recipients are the AMERICAN WOMEN'S SELF-DEFENSE ASSOCIATION and IMPACT CHICAGO, for whom we were able to raise a combined total of nearly $1800!

Thanks to everyone who participated, whether it be reading the reviews, pledging, watching alongside, or just stopping by to chat. Your support makes the long days and nights go by so much easier. I’ll be contacting donors directly via email, but if you are still interested in contributing, contact me at drach101@gmail.com and we’ll get you to the right place.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

While the concept (“Jason in Space”) smacks of utter desperation, this ended up being the most fun to be had at a Friday the 13th movie in ages. Granted, the loony plot asks its audience to check its brain at the door and just go along for the ride, but it’s a heck of a great ride, combining elements of The Terminator, Aliens, The Matrix and half a dozen other movies into a boffo bloody smorgasbord.

In their secluded farmhouse, a mother (Diana Agostini), formerly a surgeon in Portugal, teaches her young daughter, Francisca (Olivia Bond), to understand anatomy and be unfazed by death. One afternoon, a visit from a mysterious gentleman named Charlie (Will Brill) shatters the family’s life, deeply traumatizing the young girl, but also awakening unique curiosities about the human condition and the skin it travels around in. As she grows into adulthood, while still clinging to her increasingly withdrawn father (Paul Nazak), Francisca’s (now played by the astonishing Kika Magalhaes) loneliness and emotionally stunted outlook on the world lead her to strive for connection in haunting, twisted, unspeakably disturbing ways.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

This may be the top-billed offering for Intervision’s double feature DVD, but while it leads the way in terms of low-budget nudity (really, almost everyone takes their top off here) and a few gore moments, it falls way, WAY short of its poor relation (the Vincent Price-hosted omnibus effort Escapes, which appears as a bonus) as a coherent slice of entertainment. Seriously, this does nothing to dispel the myth that most killer scarecrow movies flat-out suck. Because Dark Harvest flat-out sucks.

“The world is in danger when a mysterious virus turns people into mindless, flesh-eating zombies. In a mall in the heartland, a handful of survivors wage a desperate, last-stand battle to stay alive ... and human!”

Sound familiar? To be fair, when Snyder’s remake of George A. Romero’s 1978 classic was first announced, the landscape was not cluttered with undead onscreen shamblers everywhere. In fact, with the exception of 28 Days Later and Resident Evil (both 2002), zombies were kind of, well, dead. But with the success of this worthwhile reboot, which in turn sparked Romero’s own return to the fray (for better or worse) with Land of the Dead later the following year, the stage was set for all manner of rotters, microbudget to blockbuster, and the face of horror would never be the same.

Monday, October 30, 2017

You gotta meta-love it when a character in the movie you’re watching mirrors your own experience by describing the movie he’s about to watch onscreen to a friend on the phone as, “I don’t know where this movie came from. It’s got Vincent Price in it. It’s called Escapes.” Appearing as a bonus feature on Intervision’s recent release of the 90s SOV killer scarecrow flick Dark Harvest, chances are that most viewers will have the exact same assessment and will probably watch it with the same “Oh, what the hell, why not” attitude that both the aforementioned onscreen character Matthew Wilson (Todd Fulton) and your humble reviewer did.

Upon learning that her boss is a certain moneyed Lord Breston (Gary Freedman), recently released thief Boris (Lazar Rockwood) hits upon the idea of having his ex-girlfriend Wendy (Bonnie Beck) get him into the mansion to make a quick buck. But Breston has taken more than a few precautions, having designed an elaborate series of puzzle traps that the unsuspecting duo must navigate – before long it becomes a question not whether they will escape with the loot ... but rather with their lives.

Julia (Trish Everly) has spent her entire adult life trying to forget the torment she suffered at the hands of her twisted twin Mary (Allison Biggers)... but Mary hasn't forgotten. Escaping the hospital where she's recently been admitted with a horrific, disfiguring illness, Julia's sadistic sister vows to exact a particularly cruel revenge on her sibling this year, promising a birthday surprise that she'll never forget.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Creating a movie about a serial killer while said serial killer is still at large and still very much active is a strange and exploitative notion indeed, but producer/director Hanson’s backstory further wrinkles the equation. The owner of a chain of slowly-going-bankrupt Pizza Man restaurants claimed (and continues to claim on the audio commentary track for the American Genre Film Archive aka AGFA’s blu-ray release) that his reason for the film’s genesis was that he hoped to catch the murderer, suspecting that the killer would not be able to resist the urge to watch his (or her) exploits dramatized on the big screen. It was a wild scheme, but it’s somewhat charming to believe - however unlikely - that altruism could actually coincide with exploitation.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Rural mailman James (Nathan Eswine), just finishing up his rounds, drops his buddy Pete (Adam Hartley) off on the side of the road to answer the call of nature while he makes one last delivery: dropping a letter off at the (wait for it) remote cabin in the woods where party girls Ashley (Larissa White) and Lindsey (Cameisha Cotton) are planning to meet their pal Kristy (Dal Nicole) for a little weekend of R&R. Unbeknownst to anyone, Kristy’s body has been tasked with hosting an unholy spirit and is now wandering the bucolic outdoors in the buff, a lethal pawn in a mystical ritual set into motion by a bizarre backwoods family (Frankie Ray, Brock Russell, Jenna McDonald).

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

After losing custody of her daughter, Sara (Lina Sunden) learns that her ex-husband (Patrik Karlson) has disappeared with the child into some strange religious underground (both literally and figuratively) compound. She infiltrates the sect by getting hired as part of the cleaning crew, a plot device that would seem flimsy if not for the fact that it quickly becomes clear that no normal person would want this job: not only is she required to yield her cell phone (and any other means of contact) to the buttoned-down boss (Jenny Lampa), the interview takes place in a room with a naked dog-man (Morgan Schagerberg) crouched in the corner, and her job duties include sweeping up invisible sparkling dust that gathers under the various light sources.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Located in the middle of some unspecified far-off location in the not-too-distant future, the latest revolution in escapist vacations is realized in the form of Delos, an immersive amusement park comprised of three different sections: Romanworld, Medievalworld, and Westernworld. As one might surmise, the different parks are themed accordingly, depending on whether your wardrobe tastes lean toward togas, chain mail, or leather chaps, and preferred activities being orgies, jousting, or gunslinging. In addition to the other guests, attendees are surrounded by anatomically correct robots happy to accommodate every wish, be it of a salacious or homicidal nature. Every fantasy is fulfilled and every safeguard has been put in place – what could go wrong?

Sunday, October 22, 2017

On her way to receive a lifetime achievement award, acclaimed actress Amanda (Paola Bontempi) finds herself rerouted into a world of humiliation and pain when her limousine is commandeered by a stranger, one with an axe to grind and the means (and desire) to wield it. The cavernous luxury vehicle, the epitome of opulence and privilege, is transformed into the world’s most posh rolling torture chamber, as the increasingly desperate thespian attempts to reason with the disembodied voice (conveyed, appropriately enough, through a voice modulator akin to Saw’s “I want to play a game.”) transmitting through the multitude of widescreen TV screens, as well as the masked chauffeur ready to obey his master’s cruel commands.

Friday, October 20, 2017

When their video store-owning father goes missing, two brothers (Graham Skipper, Chase Williamson) are tasked with handling his affairs. Amidst the clutter, they come across a strange relic from the 1980s in the form of an old board game that uses a VHS tape to provide cues and moves. Upon popping it into the ancient player, a strange onscreen hostess (Barbara Crampton) begins to dictate commands that feel a little too organic to be pre-recorded. Soon they, along with the elder brother’s girlfriend (Brea Grant), are sucked into another dimension where the line between reality and nightmare becomes as blurry and fuzzy as the old-school 1/2" magnetic tape itself.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

A journalist (Sabrina Ramos) visits a secluded orphanage where the occupants suffer from an unnamed condition that makes them sensitive to daylight. Upon doing a little digging, she is shocked to learn first that these are all “missing children,” and even more so once it is revealed that they are in fact not kids, but (gasp!) vampires ranging in age from 4 to 120 years old who have been bitten at an early age, forever arrested in their youthful physical state.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

I don’t want to pull the lazy critic card, but there’s not really much to say about this lean little zombie movie from the land of murderous Shakespearean princes and delicious spiral pastries except that it’s an excellent and utterly derivative undead shambler opus whose most distinguishing feature is that all of the characters are speaking Danish.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

A homicide detective (Tom Meetan) is called to London to investigate a strange double murder wherein both victims are reported to have continued moving towards their assailant despite multiple gunshots to the face and chest. With the help of his former lover (Alice Lowe), he decides to go undercover as a patient to investigate the suspect's psychotherapist (Niamh Cusack), but soon discovers that Nietzsche knew what he was talking about when he warned against looking into the abyss too long….

Recently relocated to her grandparents’ home following her parents’ death, lonely teenager Maryann (Natasha Calis) strikes up a random friendship with an unfortunate, bed-ridden lad (Charlie Tahan) stricken with a mysterious illness. Unfortunately for the two lost souls, his parents (Samantha Morton, Michael Shannon) shut down the play-dates in a hurry, clearly concerned with keeping an unspoken, perhaps sinister secret safe from the world.

Monday, October 16, 2017

In this unquestionably gruesome yet surprisingly accomplished and entertaining yarn by D’Amato (Anthropophagus, Ator the Fighting Eagle), reclusive rich young taxidermist Frank (Kieran Canter) steals his recently deceased girlfriend’s body (Cinzia Monreale) from the cemetery so he can embalm her and keep her around. As fate would have it, the out-of-the-way cottage becomes a high traffic route for attractive young female visitors who must meet their grisly end when they poke their noses where they don’t belong.

Back in the day when he and fellow countryman and schlock merchant Claudio Fragasso (Rats: Nights of Terror, Troll 2) would pretty much wander back and forth between each other’s sets and trade off directing scenes, Mattei conjured this outrageous slice of Nunsploitation that does it utmost to shock and awe and urggghhhh at every turn.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Led by Dr John Fielding (John Merivale, Circus of Horrors), a team of archaeologists descends on the ruins of an ancient Mayan city to investigate the mysterious disappearance of its inhabitants. However, the unfortunate adventurers get more than they bargained for when their investigation of a sacrificial pool awakens the monster that dwells beneath its waters - the fearsome and malevolent (and radioactive!) god Caltiki.

About Me

Well, during the day I move among you as mild-mannered Aaron Christensen, Chicago actor. But at night, when the popcorn pops full, I transform into my alternate personality Dr. AC, hopeless horror movie nerd-cum-Ambassador of Horror.
However, despite my inclination to discuss monsters that pervade, aliens that invade, creatures of the night, vampires that bite...I'm actually the nicest guy you'll ever meet.