Birthers Have a Point: Is Hawaii Really a State?

A certain segment of the population is being dismissed as "kooks" for doing nothing more than not blindly swallowing the information given to them. I'm talking about the legitimate concerns people have about whether President Obama is a natural born citizen and thus eligible to be a U.S. president. A long time ago it was honorable to stand up for the Constitution, but not any longer, it seems.

My first concerns about a future President Obama came when I saw his name: Barack Hussein Obama. That certainly sounds like the name of someone born outside of America. Of course, he could have been born in America and given a foreign-sounding name like that because his parents didn't like him. That certainly is plausible. If I were his parents, I wouldn't have liked him.

So the name by itself doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem, and neither does the well-documented fact that Obama was raised in a madrassa to be a radical Muslim who hates America -- nothing in the Constitution disallows that. But I really started to be suspicious when Obama tried to pass off that certificate of live birth as official proof he was born in Hawaii.

Come on. Have we really started trusting official documents of states as proof of anything?

Birth announcements in two newspapers were also provided as proof, but anyone -- including someone plotting a Kenyan coup -- could have paid to put those there back in the sixties. And we were given guarantees from Hawaiian officials that the certificate of live birth was based on the real birth certificate in their records, but everyone knows officials can be paid off to say anything -- just like Palin paid off doctors to say Trig was hers and then had her daughter impregnated as a distraction. Don't believe me? Just ask Andrew Sullivan, who bravely got to the bottom of that and has since been awarded such scary sounding titles as "kook," "crazy person," "someone without basic knowledge of human anatomy," and "former writer for the New York Times."

Also, it's well established that the Hawaiians are serial liars, and they could be lying about Obama now just like when they set off bombs at Pearl Harbor and blamed it on the Japanese.

So you can try to dismiss me as a nut, but what I am is someone concerned with the truth. Yes, you can point out that I didn't say a word when Diebold blatantly stole the previous two elections for Bush at the behest of Halliburton, but that's because I was legitimately scared for my safety. Remember when Bush blew up the levies in New Orleans to try and drown Kanye West? That was a fate awaiting anyone who questioned Bush or the "official" story about World Trade Center Building 7. (Who actually bought that story anyway? That has to be the first time in history a building collapsed from nothing more than massive damage and fire.)

Anyway, I'm no longer scared, and it's time to speak up for the truth and the Constitution. And the reality is that Obama's birth certificate isn't an issue at all. Why? Because there is no proof that Hawaii is even a state!

According to Wikipedia (which anyone can edit), Hawaii was made a state on August 21, 1959, but I don't remember that. Of course, the "copy" of the birth certificate California gave me said I wasn't born until 1979 so I shouldn't remember it ... which is really convenient for Hawaii. So I called the capitol to request the official records showing that Hawaii was made a state, and guess what I heard from them? I got a recorded message saying, "I'm sorry; we're closed right now. Please call during our regular office hours." WHAT ARE THEY HIDING?!!

Tell me this: Have you ever actually seen Hawaii? Sure, you may think you have been there, but a plane could have just flown circles around the ocean and landed at any island, for all you know. Don't you find it suspicious that Hawaii is supposedly located in the middle of the ocean so no one can ever actually see it from the shores of real America?

It's because the CIA made it up.

What? You don't think the CIA could have done something like that? Pardon me while I laugh at your naivete.

HA HA HA HA!

We're talking the same CIA that assassinated JFK to keep him from talking about the aliens at Roswell. Sure, they only shot his clone since they actually have the real Kennedy locked away in a lab somewhere, combining his DNA with ape DNA in failed attempts to make super Kennedys (hence the Bigfoot sightings and Ted Kennedy), but inventing a state is hardly beyond them.

You see, I'm not some sheep who walks around with his eyes closed, mindlessly believing whatever he is told. Instead, my eyes are wide open and uncomprehending all that's before them, since it's all lies. But I'm a reasonable person and will gladly accept Obama as president if I simply am given his actual birth certificate, allowed to chemically analyze it to verify its authenticity, given official certification that Hawaii is a state, allowed to interrogate any surviving people who were involved in that decision, allowed to handle an actual copy of the Constitution to verify what's written in it about the constitutional requirements to be president (it would be foolish to trust what I'm told the Constitution says on the internet), and allowed to examine the Declaration of Independence to make sure it's real and that we're not still part of Great Britain and thus shouldn't even have a president. (Why did John Hancock make his signature so big? Probably to make it easier to forge.)

Also, while this is happening, I'll need some way to verify that it's not a drug-induced hallucination or that I'm stuck in virtual reality simulation. And I'll need to be able to repeat the process whenever I ask, since memories can be altered and video of me examining these items could have been faked, like with the moon landings.