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Hot Flash Friday

Once in a while you can never pass up an opportunity to laugh atwith your mother. Yesterday Mom and Dad went for their weekly scouting mission at Costco to stock up on cheap wine and lots of beef. Yes, they are in their late 70,s and still eat red meat and are healthier than ever.

Mom, being the fun young energetic silver sneaker chicklet that she is, happened upon the Miracle Suit at Costco. For a mere $39.95 this too can be the bathing suit of your dreams, they are typically over $100 each. So, sucked down the rabbit hole of eternal hope she took one home. With high expectaions she started pulling it on. And pulling, and pulling. With my Dad in the background making hilarious comments as this ensued. It is, after all, one of the reasons they’ve been married 50 plus years…

After 15 minutes of pulling, she gave up after only getting it past her calves and Dad threatening to call the fire department to cut her out of it. The miracle dashed, she was in tears, of laughter. After all, if mom told us that she broke her hip getting in to a bathing suit, it wouldn’t result in much empathy from us. I understand her pain. I bought one too. It’s still on the form in my closet and I think I’m gonna need one of those sweat wraps to get in to it. Miracle Suit = oxymoron.

BeyonceGate

That Solange can seriously open a can of whoop ass. This is one time I wished I worked security for a hotel. Six figures for the video. So I lose my job. Who cares, I’d be happily unemployed on a beach in St Tropez.

I don’t think I’ve EVER been that angry at one of my in laws. And yes, all families have issues and problems but I don’t hink I have ever gone all WWE on anyone in my family. There have been some times with the teenagers. Just goes to show that all the money in the music world can’t keep you from losing it in an elevator.

Baba Wawa retires from The View

Bummer. All I want to know is who does her face. I need that number. She’s like in her EIGHTIES.

Hillary Clinton on Walking Dead! Coming This Fall

According to Karl Rove, Hillary is making a guest appearance on TWD this fall. Surprise guest appearance. As Darryl’s Ivy League alcoholic redneck mom in flashbacks. Pant suits will never be the same. And that crazy Karl has been reported missing from the psych ward again…

Some of my favorite stories this week come from Lori Wescott of Loripalooza and Leslie Marinelli in LifeTime Moms. I think Lori and I live in the same hood, and prom-posals are getting ridiculous. What happened to the days when you were a teen girl waiting on THAT phone call from McDreamy that never came? We didn’t even have caller ID so at least we could have let that call from dork bait go to voice mail. So the guy who makes your skin crawl in biology shows up at your home with the marching band, Justin Timberlake and a truckload of roses and you say no?

The 24 hour date that lasts 23 hours and 55 minutes too long.

I’ll get back on the wagon with this blog-and I have started another one for my vintage linen and junk business called The Happy Flea so you can find me over there too!

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Are you stalking your beloved hormone infused adolescent on social media???

You should. Because this is where I find out about the latest stuff that they are in to and some tricks and tips for us parents that we NEED to know.

You can read about the sites your teenage daughter is probably on here.

My friends, the latest prank is messing with the shortcuts on your smart phone. So when you are texting or messaging someone and you type in a word like ‘sure’ it could magically change to ‘f#$ck yeah’ or in the case of one of my daughter’s friends, her boyfriend’s name change magically to ‘gorgeous penis’.

When she texted her mom if ‘gorgeous penis’ could come over for dinner, uh, um, well, you can imagine.

So how do you make shortcuts, where are they in your settings, and what are they good for??? Here you go.

First open your SETTINGS app in your iPhone(I am using this as this is what I have) and go to

GENERAL

Then go to KEYBOARD

Once in Keyboard, making sure the Shortcuts are turned on, you can add some shortcuts. You can also monitor this area for any monkey business from your teen…

Some great shortcuts are for when you want to fill in blanks on forms on your smartphone which are a pain to do. I have created some quickies so that I can do that. For instance:

Go to ADD NEW SHORTCUT and put in your Phrase that you want to create a shortcut for-like your name. I did mine then created the shortcut that I could remember like xx.

Then add your email and call it em,

Then add your address and call it ad. And so forth.

You can do this however you want to remember it. So the next time you need to fill something our from your smart phone and that teensy fakata keypad you will be way happier!

So if you are texting someone and are trying to say Okay, and the word ‘love muffin’ keeps coming up, you have been shortcut hacked by your loving teenager.

Once again, a social media public service for my fellow harried parents of teens!

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HFF is when I round-up the week in my world and bring you fun things me and my wacky friends did last week (sorry I am a little late). So I hereby dub today Better Late Than Never Because I Was Out of Town and It’s Hard to Post from a Smartphone Tuesday…

I visited one of my college BFF’s last week in Los Angeles. Many of you know I’m married to and airline pilot solely for the travel benefits. Hey, 25 plus years of free flights is worth the hassle of him wearing polyester uniforms, ugly underwear and t-shirts he has saved since high school.

So Live from Burbank! I scooted out here to review a Jason Bateman movie for Midlife Boulevard, shopped vintage studio clothing in Burbank, drank margaritas overlooking the LA Equestrian Center with a Willie Nelson impersonator while listening to the Swinging Armani Brothers, met an eccentric British owner of a thrift and prop shop that had an S&M Barbie and Ken (really)on display and a spinning globe hanging from the ceiling with aliens decorated in Santa hats. This place is way cool for a cracked southern suburban belle like me. I love finding out that there are way more crazies out there than me.

My girl friend out here has her own company that funds documentaries and raises money for green projects. When I arrived on Wednesday, she had just finished teaching a yoga class at the Hollywood Senior Center that was filled with fun retired gals and guys from the industry. That is just totally too cool in my book. Oh, and her hubs used to be an alien on Star Trek Next Generation and she knows some really fun peeps.

Does YOUR Husband have a bubblegum card???

My sister from another mister – Menopausal Mom featured my post Love Me, Love My Cheeseburger on her Wacky Wednesday series. Check me out and definitely check her out too-she is amazingly funny and has been featured on some of the biggest humor sites out there.

I am really upset at my favorite mind-numbing reality show, The Bachelor. I was like a teenage girl so giddy about Juan Pablo and come to find out that he is OBVIOUSLY in this for the notoriety, not for zee loooovvvee. Anyway, we still watch it because anything to drag us out of reality for two hours is great and so I offer you the stupid reasons why we watch it.

On Friday, we ventured to the Venice beach area – I was able to whip out my phone and snap some crazy! Will be loading to my Instagram -follow me @hellomap!

The Olympics started this weekend and I will be covered up in blankets excited about watching skiing, skating and curling for 14 days. Because it’s the ONLY time I ever care about skiing, skating and curling. Poor Bob Costas, looks like the sheets in the hotel rooms are not doing his eyes any favors.

And RANT coming: Look, I am as progressive and wild as the next person but some of these ladies in figure skating are going down the Victoria’s Secret road and those costumes are starting to sport what I call skongs (skating thongs). I am sorry, but this mom would not let her teen go all butt-cheek on an international stage. It’s really hard to skate to Tchaikovsky with half your heinie hanging out.

Just saying.

Oh, and our snow it back here in Atlanta. The Mayor and Gubner are all over the TV having CYA news conferences preparing for the second round of #Clusterflake2014.

Seem like lots of you enjoyed my Scarlett-infused post about our little ice storm this week in Atlanta. I am here to say that even in 2014, there are still some peeps out there that get high blood pressure when we try to defend our area here, even if it is a major international city (yes, we even have an Ecuadorean restaurant that serves up braised Guinea Pig). Oh well, and remember people, 150 years ago we LOST…..

Typically I try to do a week wrap on this here site. When I can-because, you know, I am sooo busy…..So here goes:

There was an article on the Huffington Post about how wearing torture devices like Spanx are not good for your internal organs. Well, DUH--I could have told you that. Last time I did I tried to eat a Hardee’s double heart attack burger and I damn near died. I’ll NEVER wear something like that, unless, of course, I’m on the red carpet…

The Grammys were fun to watch. Even if I didn’t know most of the people in the categories except for Rock. You know you are getting older when you enjoy classical rock piano with Metallica. Steven Tyler really needs to do something about that hair (now I’m sounding like my mother), and if Taylor Swift finds the love of her life, gets married, and starts a family her career is OVER.

Justin Bieber needs a spanking.

And Miley and Madonna – oh honey (Madge), I get it-you are trying to stay relevant-we ALL are at 50 plus, but you are trying WAAAAYYYYY too hard. We are here trying to RAISE our teens, not BE one.

@Huffington Post

I have a close girlfriend that is recovering from a major surgical procedure to erase her stomach cancer. So I spent time in the ER with her this week while she was getting some fluids(she’s fine, just dehydrated). Anyhoo, it’s a teaching hospital and we were hoping for hot interns like the last time, but on a Sunday, not so lucky. Boo Hoo. She has taught me more about faith than any church has. Will be writing about that later.

I am an estate sale and thrifting addict and spent some time estate sale hunting this weekend. I found some great stuff. However, at one sale I did pass up on some partially used laxative bottles. Wow-I am amazed at what these people put a price tag on.

Super Bowl is this Sunday. The only reason I like it is for the commercials and the food. Here is my go-to recipe man pleasing Sausage Dip that will make you famous at this party-you need 1 can Rotel Diced Tomatos (I use original), 2 blocks of cream cheese (softened makes it easier) and one thingie of Jimmy Dean Sausage (I use spicy and sometimes I sneak in the turkey sausage (evil laugh). Brown the sausage in a skillet till done, drain, then add the cream cheese and the Rotel and stir until all blended. Serve in a bowl (I use a small crock pot to keep it warm) with Fritos Scoops. It. Is. Fabulous! Caution-this recipe is neither Spanx or waistline friendly. But who cares, it’s super good.

If you get a chance – check out these related articles about the snow/ice storm in our area, and take a peek at SnowedOutAtlanta on Facebook. This site has done more amazing acts of kindness in 48 hours than we can ever do in a year of paying for someone’s coffee behind us in Starbucks.

Welcome to all my new friends! You can also sign up there on the right hand side to get me in your email in box. All emails are confidential and I do not spam (don’t know how to if I tried, haha) and like my page over there on the Facebook!

It’s the most comfy brassiere (that’s French for bra, you know) I have EVER owned.

The other day, wounded and disheartened shopping through Walmart with my teenager who has now decided to decorate her bedroom in tacky leopard print and Xbox posters (It’s a phase It’s a phase, I know…gah…), I happened upon the section in the front-you know the one, the one by all the seasonal items-by the way, Valentine’s anyone?-that has the collection of egg timers, nose hair clippers, at home laser hair removal, chopper/shredders, bamboo steamers that you see on TV ads at 2 am while you are in the throes of a menopausal (or other) insomnia laden night. Some of you may remember the ShamWow for Christmas incident? BC is lucky to be alive, is all I can say…

I had seen the ad for the bras during a Kardashian marathon on E, but didn’t pay much attention to it, except for the part about hiding that nasty back fat. Oh, and the straps stay put, and the support. But anyway…

There they were. Front and center on the shelf in my local mega store and ONLY $19.95 for TWO!!!! I am a sucker for a deal.

So when you look on the back of the box for your size there is this chart:

So many sizes, so little time…

When is the last time you really really had the girls measured? I mean, be honest. For me it’s probably been 18 years and before I had my daughter. So I figured I was about a 38C ish.

Um, No.

So I thought, surely I am about a 38 C, D, E (F,G) and bought the XL.

When I got home, and I pulled it out of the box, it sure didn’t look like an XL. But, excited, I wriggled it over my head (think Spanx) and pulled and moved stuff around and got them all in there situated.

Still some boob fat on the side. That won’t do.

So I adjusted some more and voila! I need the next size up. Yay me.

I decided to wear it anyway. It was mostly a glorified sports bra with padding (that you can remove) without all the guilt about wearing it while NOT doing a sport. Genius!

And comfy.

I suggest you try it out.

And I will be going a size up. If for any reason but to go buy another box of 2. That’s 4 bra’s at about 10 bucks each. Such a deal!

So, buh bye Nordy, Wacoal, Vickie! You can take your wash in a lingerie bag in a gentle cycle and lay flat to dry $40 bra and shove it.

I’m taking the money I saved and going back to buy that at home laser hair removal kit.

I already have the super chopper.

Oh, and this isn’t a sponsored bra post. By anybody. Just little old me liking something I thought I would never in a lifetime buy…

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Once upon a time, in a nice suburb of north Atlanta, I had a nice home with 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, and a beautiful deck and screen porch that overlooked my tree-filled backyard. This backyard is why we picked this home. Beautiful hardwoods, level grassy area where I could watch my daughter frolic with the cat and the birdies, and a nice pool to swim in.

But then came the peppers. (Insert duh duh duuuh music here..)

BC (the hub) travels for a living. And in doing so has discovered many new exotic foods along the way and carries a small bottle of hot sauce with him in his flight kit. He researched where to find the hottest pepper sauce that you could buy. And he found some-lovely sauces like Fire In the Hole, Kick Ass, Nuclear Hell, Mega Death, Colon Cleaner and Tingling Taint. How lovely.

This is my deck now:

I’m thinking he has over 10 different varieties of peppers out here. All in the HOT category. And he doesn’t really eat them, but he does like to give them away to his buddies, challenge the latest potential boyfriend of 17 to eat one, talk about them, sell the seeds of them, chat on internet forums about them, read blogs about them, make them in to hot/sweet pepper jelly, and watch You Tube videos of incredibly stupid people eating them. Hell, they don’t even have boobs. I do not get it.

Ah yes, it’s the new phase of his mid-life comparing the hotness of his peppers with other guys, as opposed to their sexual conquests…

At 55, they still do the I’m a Manly Manthing. It never ends. He’s going to be in the nursing home one day comparing the size of his, ah, dentures…

So what do I do with this phase? Endure, sit back quietly and let it pass? Act like I’m interested?

Nope.

This girl here decided to take matters in her own hands (make sure to wear gloves when cutting the hot ones, my ass found out the hard way..) and make salsa with them.

When a buddy sends you a box from New Mexico filled with guess what????? more peppers – the Hatch variety – I threatened to finally get busy (or get a divorce) and get rid of these things.

So I invented Kitchen Sink (or counter in this case)Hatch Pepper Salsa. And mine is somewhat mild with a bite.

The harvest of Hatch with a few of BC’s thrown in:

I gathered 4 Hatch chili peppers – 3 mild and one hot along with 3 Guajillo peppers (mild) 1 Ancho (hot) a carton of grape tomatoes I had in the fridge, some extra small tomatoes from the deck, one onion cut in quarters, one whole garlic bulb with the top cut off and put them on cookies sheets in the oven drizzled with olive oil and some seat salt at 325 for about 1 hour-give or take, to roast. After I pulled them out and let them cool down, I then put all of them in a food processor (I discarded the outer layer of the garlic because I was too lazy to peel it in the first place) and pulsed with at least a cup of chopped cilantro, cumin, pepper, the juice of one line and a little salt. I then added one more can of diced tomatoes because I like my salsa with more of a tomato base but you don’t have to do that. And voila-great salsa! Like my food photography-with an iPhone no less.

You can combine any types of peppers you want-it really depends on your taste. I don’t care for green peppers but if I were to make this with store-bought I would use red, yellow, poblano and whatever they offered. I also would make this next time with at the very least Romano tomatoes and then add a can if I needed.

Hatch chili peppers come in a huge variety of heat and colors. They are also great roasted and I am going to use them in a crock pot recipe. They have a distinctive taste as well. Kind of smoky, earthy, I’m not sure but they are well loved in the Southwest this time of year.

Recipe:

6-8 Peppers of your choice and heat index – sliced in half and seeded

4-6 Tomatoes (also your choice) quartered

1 onion quartered

1 whole bulb of garlic to roast

1 bunch fresh chopped cilantro

1 teaspoon cumin

1 lime juiced

1/2 teaspoon pepper

Olive oil

Sea Salt – to taste

Slice and arrange all peppers, onion, garlic, and tomatoes on one or two baking sheets with rims and drizzle with olive oil. Place in 325 oven for 60-90 minutes until tomatoes have little char and release their juice and the peppers also have a little char. Let cold

Place all in food processor with cilantro, lime, salt, pepper and pulse. Serve immediately or cool in fridge. Should last up to 5 days in the fridge.

One day I will reclaim my deck. Remember, it’s just a phase, it’s just a phase.

Now I gotta go and water those freekin peppers……

Enjoy!

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There has been a steep learning curve and I have enjoyed the ride all the way. I have also met some of the most talented, funny, creative, smart, and supportive people along the way. All new friends and they are like, totally awesome!

And as I approach the empty nest phase (hopefully…) of my life in a couple of years, I am trying to reel in my ADD and focus on one or two things that I have always loved to do.

Photography and writing.

I may even combine them here occasionally. (Oh God, I ended a sentence with an adverb. Don’t let the language police get me).

We all need a thing. It keeps us happy. Sometimes they are multiple things. Sometimes they change. Anything from Yoga, to collecting dead insects and mounting them in frames (ewww).

These things keep us sane and connected to our core by letting us express ourselves, our passions, knowledge, and helps us to meet new people and live life. I hope you have a thing that keeps you sane. Something that only YOU do. It’s important. If you don’t have one, find one!

I’ve done many things in my life. I am a classic multi-tasker and had a hard time saying no. In high school I played the violin, cheered, twirled, ran the newspaper, had a job, and was a member of just about every club. In college I paired it down a bit and concentrated mostly on fraternity parties, guys, some photography and making it to graduation alive and not in jail.

As a mom I have sold real estate for twenty years, had horses, played tennis, managed my neighborhood HOA and communications, photography, dealt in vintage items and collected them, tried just about every multi-level makeup company out there ( and I still need a face lift) and more.

Too. Many. Things.

And I was exhausted.

So I have decided to narrow my focus on my writing and my photography.

Oh I may sell a house or two and I still go junking on a weekly basis to find treasures and trash. And I probably will not get rich from it either. But you can bet I will be happy.

And I will document it with photos and funny stories. Because in order to write about life you need to live it.

Find your THING.

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Oprah, girlfriend, I am SO OVER this nonsense about this pursegate issue in Switzerland. Has there ever been a more important topic to talk about this week than the fact that some Swiss snob in a pricey boutique wouldn’t show you a $38,000 bag?

Seriously?

How many of us minions really care that she treated you this way?

Because I think the REAL story is not because of your race, what we probably do not know is it was because you most likely went in there not all dolled up in war paint with your ‘Oprah Face’ on and looked like something your cocker spaniel just dropped on your back porch. My guess is that you went in there looking like most of us normal people and she didn’t recognize you.

Admit it sister-we all know what we look like without makeup and frankly at our age it’s not really pretty.

I mean, where on this planet, especially here and in Europe, would somebody (unless they lived in a cave) not recognize the mogul that is Oprah Winfrey?

Have you seen yourself without makeup lately?

I mean, would you show a handbag that cost more than a Hyundai to this woman?

Or Her?

Or Her?

Or Her?

Or Me?

Look, I know how you feel. Sniff Sniff. I have been given the ‘side eye’ at Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Saks, Neiman Marcus, I could go on and on. I once was taking an Italian friend in to the Valentino boutique in Manhattan years ago and the doorman, yes the freeking DOORMAN, told us that we probably should not go in because we probably could not afford the merchandise in the store.

I kid you not.

I sympathize.

So let’s tell the world what really happened. You weren’t wearing your tv face and got busted.

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What a week–been hard getting to the old computer what with all the glorious travel, shopping, eating and other exciting things I’ve been doing lately.

Be jealous.

So, a recap.

Me, BC and 17 took a 48 hour trip to Belgium at the end of last week. That’s how we roll as an airline family. BC is a captain for a major international airline and usually goes back and forth to South America. Which really doesn’t blow my skirt up all that much but I do need to see Buenos Aires. So, he actually got a short one to Brussels and me and 17 were like, Chocolate, waffles, beer? We’re IN! Unfortunately the last time I was in Europe for more than 3 days was about 20 years ago. In our world, it’s a free flight, free hotel, so what the hell. People think we are crazy. But it’s a blast, I mean-18 hours on an airplane (total time) in first, lie flat seats, California Pinot, rubber chicken, and absolutely NO ONE bugging me the whole time.

That, my friends, is a vacation.

Nice wig!

One of my closest girlfriends is going through chemo right now. Diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. So I took her to get her infusion and hung out with her and held her hand and fanned her face while she dry heaved as she was getting her drugs. She is teaching me and our friends about bravery. And resilience. And determination. And about never giving up. And I make sure we have some serious belly laughs at all times. Even hooked up to IV’s and drips, and ports, and all that crap, she’s asking for hot male nurses to tend to her. If you can’t laugh, you WILL cry. Cancer sucks. In the truest sense.

17 is in summer school this break and that means 3 straight weeks, one week break, then 3 more weeks and 2 half classes are done. Getting her out of her bed in the morning is a feat in and of itself. But she is conquering her classes and doing well. She just may make it after all…

Last night the Twitter was all abuzz with a ridiculous disaster movie on SyFy called Sharknado. A huge tornado comes in off the Pacific in to LA and with it tons of sharks who then terrorize the city. Led by Ian Ziering (Of 90210 fame, and apparently according to AARP is close to qualifying for his card) and Tara Reid (extremely tan and not drunk, I think) they fight the sharks and win. If this can get made, then there is NO reason my friend’s movie “Wolfman Boner” can’t get in to production. I mean really.

All of my fun blogging peeps are getting ready to go to BlogHer in Chicago at the end of the month. Can’t go this time. I am seriously jealous and can’t wait to see all the pics, swag and info they bring back. I just hope they can bring me home one of those free ‘back massagers’ that every one talks about…

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I have some of the funnest, most outrageous girlfriends, a few of which took me to lunch today for a belated birthday.

And, um, ahem, to give me a lovely age appropriate gift. That one of them ACTUALLY ordered ON LINE and had it shipped with MY name on it.

Yeah. These girls got big cojones.

Which is why I hang out with them.

Anyhooooo. Lunch came and went and then they paraded in to the Mexican restaurant with a lovely box with the words Paris written all over it, tied up with bandanas and part of a red feather boa hanging out of it.

I should have known what I was in for as they hurried finishing their meal and kept eyeing each other. Oh, and as I started opening it the cell phones cameras came out immediately and they started clicking away.

I am not easily embarrassed. But this took the cake, or the queso…

What was it, you ask?

Well, I am not going to tell you. But I will let you guess, with a little help from Dr. Seuss:

I do not like
these things that inflate

You think I’m desperate, my sweet girl mates!

Try it! Try it! They plead so dear

Try it try it you have nothing to fear!

So I think real hard and want to plea,
I will try it.
You will see.

Say!
I like this thing in this big pretty boxes!
I do!! I like this, You crazy foxes!
And I would use it in a boat!
And I would use it with a goat…
And I will use it in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
It is so good so good you see!

So I will use it in a box.
And I will use it with a fox.
And I will use it in a house.
And I will use it with a mouse.
And I will use it here and there.
Say! I will use it ANYWHERE!

I do so like
this present in boxes!
Thank you!
Thank you,
You crazy FOXES!

Side note: I was not kicked out of the joint. But the business men eating near us did throw some dollars at me on the way out….