Free Disks
With America Online and other companies sending diskettes and cdroms in the mail like they were grocery store sale flyers, computer illiterates are given more opportunities to be perplexed and befuddled. And scared.
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Customer: "Oh, my gosh, I just received this disk in the mail; I never ordered a disk! Am I a member? Am I being charged for this?"
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• Customer: "I just got your software in the mail, and what I wanted to know was...will I be charged if I just look at the software? I mean, I don't even have a modem yet."
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• Customer: "Well, I got one of your free disks in the mail, but I don't have a computer. I just wanted to thank you for sending this to me."
• Tech Support: "...Ah...is that the only reason you're calling, sir?"
• Customer: "Yes, I just thought that was really nice of you people, sending me this disk. I really appreciate it!"
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• Customer: "I received one of your disks in the mail today, and I want to know if I'm going to be charged for it."
• Tech Support: "No, ma'am, it was a free mail-out."
• Customer: "We don't even have a computer! You know, it's really not a good idea to be sending people these things in the mail when they didn't ask for them. That's pretty rude."
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• Customer: "Yes, I just want to know how to return this disk to you people."
• Tech Support: "Ma'am, the software is free. You can throw it out, give it to a friend, whatever you want."
• Customer: "But my nephew received this in the mail, and I don't want him to be billed for it. Can I get credited for this?"
• Tech Support: "We don't bill you until you actually install the software and register as a user."
• Customer: "Can you get me credited for this?"
• Tech Support: "Ma'am, we have not billed you for anything."
• Customer: "Well, if you can't credit me then please transfer me to someone who can!"
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I worked for a while in tech support for a large ISP. One day the guy next to me got a call asking for a demo of the Internet. I said I could send him a one month free trial, but he said, "No, no, I don't want any trial versions. I just want a demo. Can you just copy the Internet to CDs and mail them to me?"
It took me about ten minutes to explain before he got a clue that this was, in fact, impossible. Even then he refused the free trial and just hung up. This always makes me wonder what goes on in some people's heads.
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• Customer: "I got one o' these here disks of yours. Is this one a those new home security systems, that all I have to do is put it here in my winda, and it'll scare away burgulars?"
• Tech Support: "No, sir, this is for a computer. Do you own a computer?"
• Customer: "Well, hell, what do I need with a computer? I just got me one o' them 45-inch big screen TV's. I don't need no computer!"
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• Customer: "You sent me this diskette. Are you gonna send me a computer so I can run this?"
• Tech Support: "Excuse me?"
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• Customer: "I just got your software in the mail...when are you sending the computer?"
• Tech Support: "You don't have a computer?"
• Customer: "Nope. But I have the software -- just send me the computer, and you've got a new member."
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• Customer: "I got a disk in the mail, and I don't have a computer. What do I do with it?"
• Tech Support: "Well, you could give it to a friend."
• Customer: "And how do I do that?!"
• Tech Support: "Just give it to a friend who might want to try our service."
• Customer: "Can I speak to a supervisor?"
• Tech Support: "Why??"
• Customer: "Because I wanna speak to a supervisor."
She was transferred, and I listened in a while. The customer said that she didn't like my answer to her question. For some reason known to her and her alone, suggesting that you give a disk to a friend is unprofessional.
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I work at a big box computer store, and one of our weekly ads showed that we had free America Online 5.0 disks at our store. Unfortunately, due to a shipping error, we only received one box, which went really fast. I had one middle aged customer come up to me.
• Customer: "Hello, where can I find the free AOL 5.0 disks?"
• Me: "I am sorry sir, due to a shipping error, we have not yet received them, but they should be in by Wednesday."
• Customer: "So you mean I drove all the way down here from Englewood (about six blocks away), and you don't have any of the disks? That's false advertising!"
• Me: "I am sorry sir, but it is due to circumstances beyond our control. If you need one that badly, I can tell you where to get one down the street."
• Customer: "I ain't drivin' no more today."
• Me: "Ok, then. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
• Customer: "Can I get a raincheck?"
• Me: "Sir, I don't think I can give you a raincheck on a FREE item."
• Customer: "Well I ain't shopping here no more."
He walked in front of the entrance doors, which are clearly labeled "ENTRANCE ONLY," stood there for almost a minute waiting for the door to open, finally realized he was at the wrong doors, and huffed towards the real exit.
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One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told me that she received our disk and said that she's afraid of it.
• Tech Support: "Well ma'am, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's for your computer."
• Customer: "Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say 'install and run'. I'm too old to run."
• Tech Support: "Ma'am, could you please hold?"
I need a brief pause to scream with laughter.
• Tech Support: "Ma'am, I can assure you that you are ok."
• Customer: "Ok. Should I call the police?"
• Tech Support: "No, ma'am, just throw it away."
• Customer: "Well, there is a silver thing that slides across, and it clicks. What is that?"
• Tech Support: "It is safe to throw it away. It's for a computer, ok?"
• Customer: "But is this a bomb?"
• Tech Support: "No, ma'am, just throw it away."
• Customer: "Now?"
• Tech Support: "Yes, if you like."
• Customer: "Son, you saved my life! Thank you, and have a nice day."
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A call came from a little girl:
• Timid Voice: "I just got your diskette today."
• Tech Support: "How can I help you, honey?"
• Timid Voice: "It won't fit my computer."
• Tech Support: "What kind of computer do you have?"
• Timid Voice: "A Talking Whiz Kid."