why do I have to be gay.I feel angry. I feel ugly. I never have had a girlfriend.I remember jenny st. ___ I had a crush on her. But I didn'tknow who I was, and b/c of him (sperm-donor) - I feel so scared. Fascinating I have this fear and it was from 1984 andit feels like I am living this memory now.Don't know you. don't know who to talk to. I think I get why some drop-in counseling places - they cant be my dad.It feels so challenging. Feel I have no worries but I had to leave my mom. and I needed her. She doesn't need . me. I sometimes feel like I wanted her as my dad. who?my mom. I journal on my blog but I wanted to know if I am gay.I need this. I need to know I am good. and I am smarter than my dad would need me to be. He needs all the attention. I was envious of him placing my cousins first and I got to cry and cried a lot as a baby ; my Uncle smacking me and calling me stupid all the time. I am just trying to be a man but it hard to do this when I keep thinking of sex. I never had been a man. How can I be a man when I am not yet a baby.P. Everyone might think that is weird , bizarre. I believe ,see how. But I have never had parents and had to keep quiet all the time. I think this abuse that my dad's family did really leaks into everyday communication, and interaction I get with anyone. Bozna wants to have it all!Convincing me that my mom is evil. I grew up so stressed that b/c I wasn't allowed to think , this my cells in my mind got all anxious and praying for some affection, love. My momwas forced to stay away. My dad is really mental to assume that I have to be exactly like him. He who doesn't know who he really is. He did this. Doing everything to get acceptance and unconditional love from his parents, validation.That isn't funny to do this. Don't let me get me. Good song-title and thanks for that Pink. I didn't want to die.But I never have. Bozna . everytime I think I have to think for them. For their bilie. She cant accept who her mom and dad are and so I had to turn my mom into this greedy person and who isn't worthy of my love. Boy, this feels fantastic!My dipshit father knows . He knows how to keep me quiet.Food! Just don't tell your mom. Staring at me with this frightening facial expression. Everytime I look at my mom I was scared that w she would do something to me. I think I am going through puberty. What also is exhausting is therapists who don't see that they make mistakes. I have had therapists that should have been through some therapy of their own. Their worries, and misleading their beliefs are not to affect me and how they give me therapy.So. It is been a hard road. Never take you guys for granted. don't have a home. and I guess I like men.I like guys' asses. I love men.! and I think my mom rejected me , which really hurt my safety. I had no home.And the one thing my dad's family is give Goran food and he will want more. If I eat I can never say . I can say it now. So fuck him, them. All of 'em. creeps. that is it. I am tired. need exercise , money. money and would love to see my nieces and nephew and sister in law. and love but am careful to how I expect from my mom. She thinks her dumb , stupid husband is something great. Great at being an idiot!! run away, asshole.goran

First, my fraternal brother, i think that we have to find ourselfs.Who were we as young boys? Why were we emotionally, mentally and physically abused on top of that? What sexuality were we? Why did we become sexual objects of others desires?Why will it take the rest of our lives to finally come to terms with ourselfs?Emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually?

Taking each task to find ourselfs, our innocense in things happening to us that we neither could comprehend, understanding & have control over as young boys.

I was born gay. At 5 years of age I had already figured that out. I'm sure that my incestious mom had figured that out too.My boyhood friends parents had figured that out too. But had accepted me totally with their sons as just another human being.

I was never attracted to girls as a boy, i had a sister 3 years younger & i couldn't tell you anything about her. I couldn't tell you about my mom either. It's like they never existed.

I was sent to a Catholic orphanage/home at 10 yrs old. It was an all male facility. It was there where i met another gay boy. It was the first time in our young lives that we had experienced what true love was all about, unconditionally. It was sweet, clean & pure love. Two gay boys in a Catholic orphanage/Home & we had to be very careful about being seen together. The other boys there never called us queers or any other names. We both were 10-14 year old boys there & we were together for 4 years. So we buried our sexuality from others as best as we could.

Then at 17 years old in 1956 i joined the Air Force, keeping my gay sexuality bured deep inside of myself, once again in my life in order to survive. I learned to play the game as a straight person.I ran the bars & whorehouses with them. Survival, G survival.I got a German lady pregnant & accepted my responsibility for bringing a human being into this world. I married her there was never an emotional & mental bonding with her.How could there have been? I was a gay boy/man in the closet and i stayed there with her for 35 years. Until all the abuse of my youth resurfaced forever.I was in living hell & sought mental health which i recieved & on two occassins my wife went to a T session with me. That's where she found out that she had married a homosexual man.

I was finally out of the closet as a gay boy/man. She had accused me of marrying her under false pretenses. Why didn't i tell her this before we were married? Hell all this was still buried in the deepest part of my heart, mind, body & soul.Well, i walked out on her, no emotions what so ever.

On the way out of her life she said to me...........................So you want to leave me & go marry a man.G, my fraternal brother/friend it wasn't an easy task to face, but i finally have come to where a place in life where i truly belong.

Where my sexuality really is, where love has come all together for me. Emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually, in my heart, mind, body & soul. Free at last to coin a phrase.

So, Goran my Canadian fraternal brother/friend, be PROUD of who & what you are when you try and come to terms with yourself. Be kind & gentle on yourself.

Straight, bisexually or gay i'll still like & care for you.I hope that this will be of a help for you. Keep venting, keep trying to find your real self. Wishingyou well.

I think I am. what is the big deal?don't know. I am embarrassed.I know my mom was ashamed of me. or was it bozna didn't likeme. the second one.I am gay . my folks know.I am wondering if to just leave.very depressed about living here.what makes it better in Ontario?my dad.your bio dad?no. sometimes. I feel so unsure or nervous about seeing my dad.why?he is a strange individual.he needs his family.too hard to accept. he needed them and embarrassed me.don't need to watch porn , focus!okay so I feel so lost. I definitely am gay.I love guys. I definitely like menl. I like women.just not sexually. I remember this girl Vesnaback in 83 ...we played and I was on top of her and she wasdown in her underwear and I was turned off. sign check!and her mom came pounding on the door.She put on her clothes and opened the door.I have never wacked off to women.and yet I get turned on by my adad. this is gross.He is sick he wants me. I and me thato is a cunt!!I hate this. I hate that I have an idiot for a father.and I hate it that everyone has wonderful lives.So what can I do? come out?ya. like to who. I should tell Rachel my landlord.I don't know what she would think. but is it necessary?why should I just tell? why would it matter?I just want love and want to be honest.I deserve this!If I lived in Ontario I might be very disappointed.I should just fuck off to Australia.Moving moving. fear. annoying panic dust.sugar = frees. bilie. billie cant allow that m that herdad likes kids. she is sick and I have my brain.she cant hurt me anymore.what kind of a dad is this? he kills me and blames his problems on me. he can eat. I am tired of being a flirt to women. that is why I don't k do. this. I like men.I hate thi that I hat tom be so quiet . they always would feed me and look at goran he is sick! he needs his dad.They would do this to so thiey wouldn't have to feel their own pain. o h I get it.I cant have it all. But I get shit and then I try to get my anger out. But it si isn't working.bc I ,kkk fat. fat fat fat. fat fat .fat.so forget the perogies this Friday.forget the pizza. I have feel my anger. that is it.and then iheard that say. and then I watched about last night. and then when I saw nigel leave it ..I felt angry bekaz he likes crystal. and crystal momentarily is making me feel she is availing to me. not true. very true!!and so I told her truth. I asked her about Nigel and h know he has a crush on her. . and I wasn't attracted to her..then when I see a guy s ass in public. I know I want that!that tells me that I am GAY. ah. so. this is hard to accept I think bekaz these assholes really are d.I am dec em ber. sholc. dnt time. if I am patient. oyt need money. how is I cant get a job....need money. and . . Gman is gay. good move on nowmmove on.G

when I agy comes into the library.don't want my dad. don't want my dad. todnt aty my dadI shouldn't have went to the bank. I should have felt my feelings. I was thinking of karaoke and . I started buying in side me I wanted alove. love so gba bad that I think if spenispending and watch biille happ.y bekaz whe want s tobe gay. but she cant be gay. I have to be happy. on my feomownt osnt tell anyone billies secret. but I am gay andit isn't right for me to be straight. it is impossible.That is why I cant truest women. women have always beat meup to t. tells me you are not ab boy. me dad. laughed at me and I was very sick. needy. and now . w if I guy sees me like guys. this is fine. but they seem to be erher. everyone. and I that is mehy what I at. stand watdching movies. I didn't do anything. now I want tat girlfriend no you are not allowed to like that.she would smack me folwwed if you eat you waitl be iaky.I need to yell. I don't like to wack of to guys.I am so scared. and then when I need a dad to talk to to tell me you should never go there ever. you are not my son.that is what he said to me.! and I am thinking of moving there. mom I don't naot. if I can see you. in my mind sure. I have to get anger out. this is so fucking hard.I could kill your bilie you son-of a= bitch.I ahte hits. I ahte inger. I don't knawo you tou.s .ar my myidtha. its. kie tisotn tnkoa who my dad is. I rush . wat everything. I know who sreads this wont understand that is okay of couse. I am agreat guy why amim inin Winnipeg.I hatethis town. fuck I don't now know why am I gay?is there a reason and why is it I watch porn it doesn't do anything for me. I don't want to know everyone s gay.my aunt would tell shit like. you touch blgoj right herewhat kind of person doesn this. I felt safe nowhere. go to the movies .how can I go to the vm movuinges I see that sistiot oult my pants down and I hate to keep quiet . for .themI have a lot of sick. thures. I don't want to see yuou.trust noene of the. noend o I hate moives . icant standthiswhy cant I jfuck off. I athe your cunt bilieyours! yours and your sister and meri and everyone fucking h fgirol that associtaios with all of tyou I hate that women hated me and didn't knmow anyt. I ahte my brother hates me and I ahte that I need ded one guy to tak eme thru this.one guy one!!! and I what thos aw wahtch buys dicks. I hate htatI envy or jealous of you and don't want to be jeaslous of you or them. I ahate my . you these gyuys don't know me so I am not m olesting this guy or this guy. I am never touching you agin.. fruxked asshole he should give me like fifty grand for all the therapy. te trasth.god at least give me some moem menoy so I can dchnage that crap last name. I hate this. ii hate this shit so cukfin much.I athedfsdafdjkf;ljffsdjklfasd;fjasd;jf

Yea I think I am gay. I am in the closet, I think.I have never looked at a women's ass as much as a guy's.Hate that I put so much weight in the last year.I have to settle for a man who is chunky like moi!!!Thanks again I can use as much support.I hate it that my dad not only laughed at me- it destroyedthe thought of my being a guy. what an asshole!I struggle with self-esteem!Love ya,and hope you are doing friggin awessssssssame!!

I hope & pray that you are healing those deep wounds as best as you can.

Needing someone to share our love, compassion & understanding with as a gay person is also my goal.Like you my fraternal brother coming to terms with just who & what we were in our youth being born gay and having buried it because of fear from others.

However, my fraternal brother G, i'm real proud that both my inner child & his bigger self finally came out of the closet.Being proud of who & what i alway's was able to breathe free.

Being gay in heart,mind, body & soul, emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually. That defines who i am & if you have those same kind of feelings celebrate it, it's your true self.

Finding some one to share our love & life with is a huge challange for both of us.Being extremely cautious that if & when we find someone to love us it won't be someone to abuse us.

How do I have sex?By loving myself first & foremost, I'm still a compulsive masterbater over all these years. I like pleasuring myself & no one gets hurt.I have gay sex toys that i need when i masterbate & go into my fanatsy world with my dildo's, again no one gets hurt.

I'm going to try harder to find Mr. right, time is running out for me. Not much of a demand for someone 76 numerical years of age.

experienceproject.com - youtube- helping me.gayhealth clinic in Winnipegflirtdog wpg.looking for perfect.get it done!now!all to that needing a dad!over and over. I don't , . know I hac. have to forget. they fucked it up! "you want it all!daddy wants it all. so do I!several do!hate you . but hate to d see you sad.I don't kn like it when I see people sad , feeling alone.suck your own dick!it is hard to forget.you fake it! you are cowards.all of you!it is hard. I get that I have to be your dad.so when .doesI geta dad?forget ???????????now. ??????????????????????????I hate commitment.no guy will be . you hate your dad. and you want him to love you and sayyou are a good boy. . you. o nt tyou do that.you don't. your wife had a shitty life. you made it worse.you insulted her infront of me. how do you expect me tosay that is okay? you don't do this.I will never see you. I cant . I need my own identity.my own life. I am 41.I need love. sex. yet I am talking to a computer.you don't understand. you are ignorant , sick.I don't know who I will be , yet. but I am getting healthier.All b/c these guys don't tell me to fuck off!This internet saved me! Malesurvivor is incredibly beautiful.it is special in the kindest way.I would have never survived if it wasn't for the people I haveme on here. So thank you God for allowing people to create andcare, and share with others.I wish and wish. My brother isn't bad, now.He cant care for me. B/c I needed a dad all my life.I see how I make it hard on everyone. Do you know thatwhat you did and your shit family , everyone took part of it.Even thou they have never seen you.God Bless. everyone.even you dipshit.I don't love you . but I understand you.

It was my b-day yesterday. Yayyyy!My folks sent me $200.00I was sitting at home naked today.....I got angry.I looked down at my penis and wondered and got anxious."who wi. going to love this? I hate me. "I will never see them again.I was so angry. Memories of my uncle throwing his hatethat he had onto him , put me responsible!Mom s voice telling me I am just like him. When I was little.Followed by zoran` " fat pig"picture when I snapped at my brother and he blocked everyhit I threw at him one moment.Me not knowing how I will survive.I wanted to die ....so much. today.I went to a Asian restaurant with a friend today.Very edible food. It was a buffet. I gave in to having a lot of cake. And I felt my moobs getting bigger.I cant exercise. So this is where my anger started gettingbigger. I couldn't blame my friend for me eating this.Then I thought of my dad and how he needed love. In elementary school I longed to be just like him. I iodolizedhim. But I was always alone, no one around. Full of self-hate and holding it all in! I was aware my uncle was abusing me but I thought it is . my fault. HOw do I changethis. ? my dad wanted to make it all better by buying me food giving me a brand-new Firebird. I changed my personality so much,, I don't know how I survived today.Then I snapped today after looking at my body. Feeling like billie had has it all. my dad laughed at me when I was at bililes place. I am working hard and rush thru this.I hate this. and I can wish he is my dad , but he is a play dad. He gave me to his dad and brother. and I don't know what he knows but I changed my thoughts for them! I gave them my braids. I gave them painted nailpolish. girls clothes. I became everything. that is why I cant watch t.v. don't know who is right. its like talking now islike what is goran? not bozia. not zoran not my dad.not you blagj. don't need your schizor phrenis. or your sexual desire to fuck men. but he hats me. he hates his kids. and he got away with it. So my mom and brother can watch them. Zoran deserves a good life! But as I was locked out after calling him and leaving to go to the library.I realized that I do so much self-therapy that I don't want to work. I was to leave. If I could I would take everyone with me but cant. I want to love me but my dad takes that holding me . tell me stuff. he would kiss me a lot. When I was on the bus I got these memories of him touching my leg....I would flinch and push him away. He would get aggressive. So now it is hard to say I wont see my mom again. it is real.I wont. If I could change. I would change that I will always speak up for goran and all the others who want to be free and love themselves. but I can not show others to love themselves. I cant be this Mr. know-it-all. I cant. I just want love. I need to get laid. but I hate me. and it is always there. this shit doesn't and wont go away. moving isn't a bad idea. it would be healthy. but I fucked that up by hurting my body. and that was telling my dad "fuck youyou cant do that! " but he did. and I got creative andangry at the gym. not bright. and its those words that came from my aunt that may have given me dyslexia.I hate it that I have no one here. I have a men`s group that wont start till August. I hate it that I don't want people to fly away. but yet I will leave. the group.their group. I hate feeling bad!!!!!!!!thanks to all.Goran

You are not alone G. I'll stay by you & try and help you along.Living with all that hate for years fucks us up for life.

But, G. there is always HOPE, never giving up in finding you, who are you? What are you?Put your hate on those responsible persons whom had abused you.Don't ever hate yourself. Learn to love yourself.

There is a lot of help for you here in MS.I always had said whenever a new guy came into MS was & I believe in those welcoming words here it is,We/I will hear your cries, we will help in your fears & we will share in your tears. Still holds true, my Canadian fraternal brother/friend.

See the real goodness in yourself as that young boy.You are a valuable & loveable human being.

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