Hi...Im going to make this short..Even though this is more complicated than it sounds..I just really really need input because I struggle with the thought of this every day...To make this long story short..I dated a guy for about six months...At first it was great, but a bit too intense..he said he was falling in love with me withing the first week..Although this probably sucked my heart in more than I realized..It also made me a bit wary...I am bad at intimacy and expressing myself..and he seemed the complete opposite of me..Although it made me come out of my shell a bit and discover new things..Our opposites also caused arguments..I felt constantly pushed to be more affectionate and sexual towards him...I constantly felt tense and pressure to be who he wanted me to be..At the same time...My heart did grow to adore or love him..Im not sure..By the 6th month of us arguing...I decided a lot less pressure would be put on me not living up to his expectations if we were just friends...So basically I chose to break up and us to be just friends and work on taking it slow.....
I was super worried Id get hurt in this situation and expressed it to him...He has been known to easily sleep and be with many woman....I told him since we were friends I had no control over who he was with..I just didnt want to know...
Okay..here is the real question and situation...My jealousy got the best of me..He started hanging out with this girl..And it was more than sex..I felt heart broken..and the more jealousy I expressed, the more he got turned off by me and said I pushed him away..He kept the door open for us to get back together up until I sent him an email saying I could never forgive him for sleeping and being with someone else...Now he is with her exclusively and has been throwing in my face how miserable I made him..and also how unbelievably happy he is with her...I have done nothing but cried... However..This girl is leaving in a month....He will not leave her for me..Because she makes him so much happier than I ever did..AND YET...He wants there to be a chance for us to try again when she leaves in a month...I am SOOOO unbelievably torn about wanting to try again..and feeling like a complete chump second hand women...I made him miserable and he has thrown in my face how happy he is with this girl..How he would not ruin things with her for this month..That right now he could not be with me because it was so bad when we were together..But she is leaving..and if I wanted to gove it another try in a month..hed be up for it....I dont know what to do..I say I have to wait to see how I feel...That I struggle with the fact he is with someone else every day....But then think of how I wanted to be JUST FRIENDS...I hurt him and now he is hurt..But he has rubbed so hard in my face how much happier he is with her..The fun they have..The bonds they share..If we ever tried again..Id feel like i was competing with her...Should I even consider trying again..I dont want to walk away because of my pride...But I dont want to be a chump and fall for someone who might be stringing me along, saying he wants to be with me some other time...When he cant be with the girl he supposedly is so happy with..He said he would be with me if he wasnt so terrified of me..That I never understood how to make him happy the way she does..That he would wan to try with me if I could work harder on the relationship...I dont want to be an idiot..I dont want to try with someone who might be getting an ego trip out of dating someone else for a month and then having me go back to him..and yet...Doesnt he kinda have the right to spend this time with this girl who will be leaving in a month..I know she probably gives him more love than I ever did, but I have never been in love to be so affectionate and lovey all the time.... I dont know!...please some advice???

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

...And the next time you make him cross, will he find another new better girl to punish you with? If you want to hang around and wait for him to finish his fling and be the backup girl, then OK. If you want to be number one GF, you won't get that with this person. Up to you. I think he is manipulating you, either because he wants you soft and submissive and grateful to him when he comes back, OR, so he is never without a waiting GF to fill in those times when there is no other girl around. Dump his sorry a** before he completely robs you of all your self esteem.

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seraph

...And the next time you make him cross, will he find another new better girl to punish you with? If you want to hang around and wait for him to finish his fling and be the backup girl, then OK. If you want to be number one GF, you won't get that with this person. Up to you. I think he is manipulating you, either because he wants you soft and submissive and grateful to him when he comes back, OR, so he is never without a waiting GF to fill in those times when there is no other girl around. Dump his sorry a** before he completely robs you of all your self esteem.

Hey..Thanks so much for the advice...I really had no idea as to what is right or wrong in the situation....I mean, I did choose for us to be just friends...And we did argue alot..But now he has totally hurt me with this girl and it doesnt make sense that if he is so happy he would throw it in my face..Just to hurt me I guess...But I didnt know if this was normal stuff..You know? Feeling out where you stand in a relationship..Breaking up and dating new people and possibly trying it again in the future? Or if it was just downright manipulative? Its hard to tell..But your response will help my head get on the right track..Im hoping by the time a month is over I wont want anything to do with him....!

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dunzo07

Hey..Thanks so much for the advice...I really had no idea as to what is right or wrong in the situation....I mean, I did choose for us to be just friends...And we did argue alot..But now he has totally hurt me with this girl and it doesnt make sense that if he is so happy he would throw it in my face..Just to hurt me I guess...But I didnt know if this was normal stuff..You know? Feeling out where you stand in a relationship..Breaking up and dating new people and possibly trying it again in the future? Or if it was just downright manipulative? Its hard to tell..But your response will help my head get on the right track..Im hoping by the time a month is over I wont want anything to do with him....!

Hi Dunzo07

I couldn't agree more with Seraph: this is sheer manipulation.

What I don't understand is why the other girl is leaving and if she makes him so happy, why he lets her go and does nothing. Maybe he is not only manipulating you, but also fabricating the truth. That is, this girl doesn't really make him SO happy. It is just make-believe. To make you feel down.

I really don't see how a superficial and volative guy like him would know the real meaning of happiness. Unless happiness for him is like a number of orgasms.

Really, do you want this for your life? Ok, maybe I am being too hard on this young man, but I think you deserve someone more responsible and more manly.

You may have made mistakes with him with your jealousy, but please don't go on being a doormat or a springboard for him. Why don't you turn this page of your life?

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Thanks so much...I really didnt see it as strongly this way..Its really painful to see it in that way..The girl is leaving to go away for a job or school..Something she had planned a long time ago...towards the beginning of the end of our relationship when we were just friends and he had juststarted hanging out with this girl, he came over my house crying saying he loved me and how he wished I could have shown him the love and affection he got from her..He said he might move away with her...Now he is saying he is with her for this month before she leaves for good, and wants to try and be friends with me in the future with the possibility of something else happening....If he is manipulaive and I am completely wrong to even think about trying again with him...I need to continue saying this to myself for this whole month so when he does try to contact me, I will not want anything to do with him....When I mentioned to him that either he tries to be with me this month over this girl, or he will have no chance with me...He says he choses the other girl because she is leaving and I made him miserable and for the first time he is happy...It makes me so sad......I know I should forget about him..But that glimmer of thought that it isnt such a bad thing if we try again in the future, keeps coming back to haunt me....

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Oh no no no no no....

If you made him oh so miserable and this girl makes him oh so happy, then that's all you need to know. Let me ask you something, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I'm wondering if you slept with him or if he wanted to sleep with you when he came over crying that he loved you? I get the feeling his only concern when his girlfriend who makes him oh so happy is away, is not his feelings for you but rather his severe condition of Lackanookie.

Really, the only reason, I mean the ONLY reason you should even consider trying again with him is if he broke it off with the other girl because he realized she wasn't the right one for him and you could be because he still loves you more. Until he ends things with her, and not just because she's not physically there, but I mean things are broken off, for once and for all, for good, with her, then and only then should you even entertain the notion. he's not a trophy you are supposed to compete over. He either wants to really give it a shot with you or he doesn't, and if he really does, then he can't do it with one foot in another relationship with another woman. I really can't see any other reason for him to even suggest it, if he's as happy as he claims with her and is thinking about moving to be with her. and if I were you, I'd tell him so. Ask him flat out, "why should we even give it another shot if you want to be with her more than you want to be with me?" I mean, really, give WHAT another shot anyway? A real, deep, emotionally intimate, monogomous relationship? how can you do that when she's still in the picture in any way? If he really wanted to be with you, he'd be with you NOW. the "well, she's leaving" is a lame excuse. He's still with her because that's where he really wants to be.

I would even question how healthy it is to even try to stay friends with this man. You still have feelings for him, and generally trying to do the "just friends" bit with someone you are still in love with is just a total disaster. If you are truly his friend, then you'd be happy that he's found such happiness with someone else. And if the relationship made you tense and uncomfortable, so much pressure to be someone you were not, then what's changed since then anyway to make another try worth it?

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

I just sent him this email...Is this reasonable and okay???______________:

"Hey..I know I am not going to be talking to you for awhile..But I really felt like I needed to tell you where I have come to be in my head right now..I am writing this because whatever glimmer of hope I may have for us...will be gone after your response (or none hopefully)..I know you choose Julia..You wrote that..You rubbed in my face how you choose her and how "incredibly" happy she makes you...WHat I just want to let you know..Is that although you got ****** when I first mentioned I couldnt be with you if you choose her over me...And I retracted it saying "Oh..Maybe I will wait for you"..I now realize..After thinking about things and talking about it...How manipulative it all really is...Although I adore you and would have been willing to put my all into this relationship..By the time a month is over..I will NEVER be able to put ANY effort whatsoever into a relationship that someone chooses to be with someone else with the whole time..Leaving me on the backburner as your back up girl..I stick with my initial response that I will NOT be with you if you are so much more into being with Julia for this month..And Im not sure If it would be so healthy to be your friend for a long while...I really needed to tell you this..I was going to wait..Because I wanted to have that little thing to hang onto..That maybe when you are done with Julia youll be with me..But then I realized how F*&&#37;$ng pathetic and sad that is..Maybe you could care less...I suggest if Julia makes you so happy, you move down south to be with her...I can only wish you as much happiness with her, as I hope to find in my future....If within this month you realize you have made a mistake and I am still part of your heart to want to try with me..Than I could possibly open to giving my all and try to be what you need in a relationship...But I will never be able to try again with you, while you sleep with some other girl this whole month and say what the hay with me when she moves away..Im sorry..No matter how much my heart wants to give you everything...I see you are not in the same position.I am being so honest and straight with you right now and telling you exactly up front how it is......ANyway....I dont want to leave things open anymore...Im not a doormat you can come and go and walk all over..If you love me and see something between us, than risk your heart and give it a try NOW...If you dont miss me and can see yourself with Julia moreso..Than dont even respond to this email and leave me be..Please please please...Dont respond to this email..Dont contact me AT ALL..unless you want to see me and work things out....Unless you realize you want ME....After this month..please dont contact me either.....I dont want to be your friend untill I am ready...I need to think about myself..I realized I have been sending you emails the past week with legitimate questions and concerns and you pretty much skipped right over them and responded in two sentence emails.....It hurts that I tried so hard to open up to you...when it comes so easy for you to do that with any one...And girl...and person..And it took a lot of my heart to get to know you, and I literally feel so betrayed with the way you have treated me these last two weeks...Unless you are the sweet caring Person, that calls me miss lady and holds me and kisses me the second you see me and says that I am all yours...I dont want anything to do with you..friendshipwise or anything..for a long time..And please please dont email me about how sorry you are you chose Julia over me and how happy you are..Those are unneeded hurtful things that serve no purpose but to hurt me...I dont need to hear anymore from you ..I guess this chapter is closed...Goodbye sweetie..It is so hard to have seen so many good things and possibilities between us turn into such hurtful spiteful things...I will move on and be okay though........Just as you seem to be....Please no response..Please... "

So is this email dreadful?? I felt like I said all I needed to say..I will just be sick if he emails me and say he is sorry and that he hopes we can be friends some day..I KNOW he will write that..I can predict it! Ill let you guys know how he responds...O hope he doesnt respond at all...Thank you all for being here...You are all I have right now..And any input from you has made me a stronger person..Thank You!

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

No, that is OK (bit long but does say everything). When he emails back the "lets be friends" thing, be clear on what you want to say to that. Practise. Stay strong. The way he is treating you is not right. It is an insult to suggest that you wait while he has his fling and then maybe he will get back with you. Cheers, Sera

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Thanks so much Sera....I wish I could show you how much I appreciate your input and your responses..Yeah..I am naturally wordy..(look at these posts)...But I do feel like however he responds will help me heal faster..Every time he emails me my stomach gets the hugest knots..I feel literally sick to my stomach before I read his emails...I am hoping he'll read it and wont respond and I wont hear back from him....I am also hoping he will respond and say he wants me..But Im pretty sure there is no way thats what I am going to hear..He may even figures out a way to play more head games..saying he wishes I had done this or that, and that he just is too scared to be back with me..I dont know...I think I need to communicate now and get it all out...so I can get over it and cut myself of..Thank You so so so much! I Love your name seraph! That name has more meaning to me than you know!

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dunzo07

If within this month you realize you have made a mistake and I am still part of your heart to want to try with me..Than I could possibly open to giving my all and try to be what you need in a relationship.

This is the only line I had a problem with in your e-mail OP. I felt you were offering him an out here, or at least that he could misconstrue it in that way. I feel like you left the way open for him to legitimately shag this woman for three weeks or so and then, hey presto just before the month runs out turn up like cindarella running for the coach before the clock strikes twelve. He could always then wave that e-mail in your face and remind you that you'd told him he had the right to realise he'd made a mistake.

What he is doing to you is hugely demeaning and degrading and you shouldnt put up with it for a moment. Make sure you post about his response, wont you? I'm dying to know what this arsehole as to say for himself...

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

I will without a doubt post what he responds..I have no clue what it will be...I guess i shouldnt have left the door open..But that was partly my last bit of me wanting to try....He'll see that louder and clearer than anything Im sure..But I dont know...I think he could give or take me easily..I think he tried to work on things with me for so long..He is a bit disillusioned by our relationship..I must say I could have given it more effort...But the way things are right now..I feel like they are pure hurtful revenge, without that loving caring person I once knew..It is all about who gives him what he needs..He once emailed me that it wasnt about his heart right now..It was about who made him happiest..I understood that and it made sense...It made me sad though, and confused...I guess you choose who makes you happiest in a relationship? Is this true? Or is there really something sometimes in your heart that makes you care and love someone more even if they may be more difficult to get along with??? I dont know..Thanks again...I feel like I have to keep thanking you all, because Ive never been in such a confusing relationship prediciment where it is hard to tell right from wrong????!!!! Anyway..Cheers to you all!

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Dear Dunzo...Keep at the front of your mind that anyone who makes your changing yourself as a condition of being together is NOT the one for you. Yes, people do have the right to choose the one who makes them happiest, what is NOT right is making it a competition to force you to be submissive and grateful for "winning". You do not want to win this nasty little competition, because you will be set up for this again and again, to measure up or be placed out in the cold again, while he goes off with another person again. It is just a tricky way for him to cheat on you, no doubt about it. Keep strong, Sera..

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dunzo07

It is all about who gives him what he needs..He once emailed me that it wasnt about his heart right now..It was about who made him happiest..I understood that and it made sense...It made me sad though, and confused

I once read that men who have affairs are more entralled by how the other woman makes them feel than they are by the substance of the women herself. Maybe thinking on that may be of some comfort to you. He was still hanging round when you werent treating him like prince charming, and he is as good as telling you that he is with her primarily because of the way she is making him feel. I found that to be very insightful when I first read it and I have come across it more than once since then looking around me at what's going on in other peoples relationships.

As to where you're going to go from here, I really honestly dont see much point pursuing a relationship with him after this. I'm sorry, but that's my honest gut feeling on the matter. Even if he came back an hour from now with the tears ******* down his face bawling rings around himself for the sake of his own stupidity, you would never forget what he put you through here, and it would always remain a niggling resentment that would tarnish anything good the future held for the two of you.

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dunzo07

He once emailed me that it wasnt about his heart right now..It was about who made him happiest..I understood that and it made sense...It made me sad though, and confused...I guess you choose who makes you happiest in a relationship? Is this true? Or is there really something sometimes in your heart that makes you care and love someone more even if they may be more difficult to get along with???

I don't really get this either, and to tell the truth, it sounds like hooey to me. I thought it's what's in the heart that makes you happy. I myself would rather be with someone I loved and felt was my soulmate but who drove me crazy sometimes than be with someone who was great on paper but that I had no passion or chemistry with. Sounds like he's trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Even though he treated me poorly sometimes and even though we clashed on some religious and political issues, my ex boyfriend is still the only man I've ever loved. If he wanted to come back and try again and agreed to disagree on the points where we went astray and agreed to treat me with more respect and devotion, I'd get back together with him in half a heart beat, even thoughI'm sure there are many men out there who would agree with me on all the political and religious issues and who would treat me better, but none of them would make me "happy" because I didn't love them as much as I loved my ex. so I don't get the whole "I love you more, but she makes me happier" bit. I think that's just BS.

Re: Id Love some relationship advice...Wait for him or forget about it?

Thank You all...So The X wrote back.....And I guess it was what I expected..Although it hurts me.....

"Please stop. You had 6 months worth of chances to do your part to fix things and build a decent relationship with me. If it didn't happen then, I really feel that it may never.
I tried with everything I had. I really don't think there's anything left... I can only take so much disappointment.
Every one of these emails makes me more resentful of you. You never could be solid as to how you felt about me then... why now?

I don't think I could ever be with you again. You might try, but you can't change who you are. And that dosen't work for me... I'd like to eventually be able to appreciate your wonderful qualities as a friend... But I really think anything more than that would just be unhealthy for both of us...

Be good sweetie. I hope you're doing well...
Please don't hate me. I gave you nothing but love..."

Makes me so sad, that one day he is sending me emails about a possibility for us and a future after this woman is gone..and now that I wrote that last email saying I couldnt be second girl..He says there are NO chances and that I make him resentful with these emails....I dont know...I know I need to let go...He is right that I didnt put my all into the relationship...I just couldnt seem to meet him at the place he wanted....I feel like I could do that now..But now it is too late...I keep comparing myself to how easily he gets along with htis other girl...He is not going to come back to me in this month....I almost emailed him that I wanted to see him as friends again..But I know that would be nothing but trouble...Larrlou's Mom...You say you would go back to your X in a heartbeat....Wouldnt you feel submissive and controlled to that easily try things again...I am so afraid that in a month, I am going to be his friend and end up sleeping with him and trying it again.....Does anyone on this forum think it is okay he is with another woman right now, and that in a month I would even think of trying???? Thank you all for your responses..This is hard..Im not sure where I will be in my head in a month.....Im so sad his emails seem done with me...He used to be so good and kind...I think I really did just wear him down to have no feelings towards me...You know? He did try to make it work...And I guess I resisted at the time....ugh!