Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's baseball season, and every year during this time Fonzy gets the fever. The fever to play ball. Since moving to Raleigh 5 years ago, Fonzy has been looking for a team to play on and finally found one this year. Even before he found the team, he got new cleats saying this year was the year he would play. He was right.

He ordered his baseball pants and like a kid couldn't wait to try them on when they arrived. He put them on and practiced his hitting with an imaginary bat. His first game is in a few weeks and I know he can't wait.

Along with playing on a team, he's the assistant coach for the middle school baseball team he teaches at, and head coach for the boys team! How he's going to keep this all straight, I have no idea! I went to the boys practice with them yesterday and it was fun seeing him interacting with kids, running and playing. You can tell they were having a blast!

That's one of the traits I admire most about Fonzy. He genuinely loves kids and being with them. He knows that to reach a kid, sometimes you have to get down to their level, play and just have fun.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Monday, March 29, 2010

I watched the movie Amish Grace last night, the story of the 5 Amish school girls shot and killed in Nickel Mines, PA. I knew watching the movie would be hard, because I would be thinking about Samuel, but I also knew the story dealt with forgiveness, so I wanted to watch. After the shooting, the Amish were able to forgive the gunman, Charles Roberts. How hard was that to forgive the man who had just shot and killed five little girls, their daughters? To most everyone it was unfathomable. I wondered while watching if forgiveness would have been as easy had the gunman been alive. If they had to see this man, face to face and endure a trial. To know he was still alive and breathing, while their daughters were not. I don't know. Maybe they still would have offered forgiveness.

Jesus said we should forgive -Matthew 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

I haven’t gotten to the point of forgiveness. I pray that God will give me the heart of forgiveness. I can’t expect to be forgiven my sins if I can’t forgive the men who killed Samuel, right? That's what the verse says, but I think about Samuel, laying cold in the ground and my heart aches and forgiveness is the furthest thing from my mind.

Fonzy and I shelter the boys a lot and we've noticed there are simple things they can't do. We sent Ezekiel in the store a few weeks ago to get the Sunday paper. We were specific to which paper to grab, where it was located, and about how much it should cost. We watched from the window as he looked around clueless. I finally had to run into the store to help him out.

Fast forward to last week - I needed some gravy for dinner since the homemade gravy I was planning to make didn't work out. I wasn't dressed to go into the store so decided I would send Ezekiel in. I specified where the gravy would be, which kind to get, even the color of the package. Ezekiel said he was fine, he could do it, and said that he did not want me to come in the store to help, no matter what. So I sat in the truck and watched him as he went from one end of the store to the other. He finally found the right aisle, got the gravy and went to cash out. He saw me watching him and held up the gravy with a big grin on his face to show me he'd found it. That is when I snapped the picture!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

This time is so fleeting! Ezekiel and Elijah, running, playing, being each other's best friend, sharing a bedroom, having whispered conversations, telling each other their secrets before they go to sleep.

Next year Ezekiel will be in middle school leaving Elijah in elementary by himself for the first time. They won't see each other in the halls, in the cafeteria, or on the playground. I wonder how their relationship will be as they get older. Will they still share their secrets and be best friends?

samuel and manuel

I think about Samuel and Manuel, how they were each other's best friends growing up. Sharing a room, playing, telling each other their secrets, just like Ezekiel and Elijah. But now Manuel is alone, without his older brother, his best friend, his secret keeper.

We all miss Samuel so much, but sometimes I think Manuel misses him most, because they had the closest relationship.....a relationship only brothers can have.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I dreamt of Samuel the other night. I dreamt I traveled back in time to when he was alive. I think I had this dream because I recently watched The Time Travelers Wife. By the way, the book was much better than the movie. In my dream, I knew Samuel was going to die, and I was trying to change that, but knew I may not be able to. I recall hugging him so tight, and pleading with him to let me know that he was OK and in Heaven….to send me some kind of sign, then he disappeared.

When I woke up, I lay in bed thinking about the possibility of time travel. Before Samuel was killed, I always wanted to go back in time to when my Mom was alive. I wanted more time with her. I wanted to know more about her, her childhood, her thoughts, her dreams, even her fears. There’s so much I don’t know about my Mom and as a kid, you don't think about it. I was 15 when she died, she was 31.

Now that Samuel has passed, I’m not sure I would want to go back that far. What if I went back to the time my Mom was alive, did something different and it altered my whole life? There would be no Samuel, or possibly none of my boys. Could I take that chance? Would I take that chance? I don't know. But what if I could go back to the time Samuel was alive, even the day before and prevent him from being killed? I know, why even think about such things? It could never happen, but I can’t help it. I wish there was something I could have done to prevent Samuel from being killed…some kind of way to have him here still, but I can't.

So a few weeks ago Fonzy and the Wendell Wolves won the conference title in basketball. And with the title comes a trophy. Not the best looking trophy....actually quite ugly, but hey...they are champions! Who cares what the trophy looks like, right?

After the award ceremony, it was time for the big game! The boys basketball team against the coaches/staff at the school....the men against the boys. There was a lot of smack talk from both sides, a lot of groaning and heavy breathing from the men, but the men dominated! You wouldn't know it from my pics, but the men showed them young boys how to do it!

Fonzy was in the double digits with points and I didn't get one shot of him making a basket! What a terrible wife I am!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

This past weekend, Karen and I took the boys to the St. Patrick's Day parade. We went all out with the green, hats and glasses like we were Irish or something. Just imagine if Raleigh had a Puerto Rican parade like NYC, we would have really done it up!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I’ve never been a touchy, feely kind of mom. Sure, I’ve hugged and kissed my boys, but it’s not something I do on a regular. It was that way with Samuel and Manuel, and now with Ezekiel and Elijah. I don't know why I’m not that mom who hugs and kisses her kids all the time. I always seem to be the mom who is yelling and screaming. And you know what, I don't like it. I don’t like being the mean mom, instead of the fun-loving mom. I love my boys, and I feel they know it, but I think I need to show it more often.

Last night Elijah sat next to me on the couch with his blanket and wanted me to read excerpts about Presidents out of a book he got from school. After reading about Obama, Lincoln, and Washington, we switched to a classic Judy Blume book, “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing.” While Elijah was reading I told Ezekiel to grab my camera.

I got a few shots of Elijah as he read, and then it turned into a silly picture taking with both boys. We made faces, laughed, giggled and just had fun! For once, I was the fun-loving mom and I loved it!

As the boys got into bed after our picture taking, they both told me goodnight and that they loved me. They don't do that very often. It felt good. No…it felt awesome, all of it! The laughter and the love!

I'm tired of winter. Tired of the cold. I'm ready for Spring. This winter has seemed so long. But with the coming of Spring, also comes the anniversary of Samuel's death. Almost a year since he's been gone and it's still surreal.

I need an awakening. An awakening of spirit, of mind. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, but not truly living.

There's so much I WANT to do, so much I WANT to change, but can't seem to get to the DOINGpart.

I have got to CHANGE! I'm the only one who can make my hopes, my dreams a reality.

Blog by Isaida Veale

Wife, Mother to four boys, Knitter, Picturetaker, and Memory Keeper. I lost my oldest son, Samuel, to murder. Life can be unfair at times, but even so, it holds beauty and love. I blog to document our life. This beautiful, messy life.