Reports from Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars.

Thanks to a burst of efficiency at the post office, the 15% deducted for your inconvenience post-it notes have arrived. The ideal Christmas present, these post-its are available for a minimum $5 donation to the Women's Resource Centre.

Stocks are very limited and it is first come first served. Contact Mike for details.

Don't miss out on your chance to appropriately reward Bermuda's service staff for their unparalleled customer service levels.

The Bermuda Sucks Post-it note will give the "Tight Ass Canadians", and those whose pockets are deeper than the length of their arms, a chance to reply to the service cheques which have the gratituities built in.

The notes will be available on-line here, and at the Women's Resource Centre. They are $5 for a pad of 50, and 100% of the dime you spend on each sticky note goes directly to the WRC.

These will make a great gift, or stocking suffer. You also get to feel good about donating to an important charity which provides legal and emotional aid to women suffering from sexual and domestic violence.

Now, the only question is, how long will it take the Postal Service to deliver the package that was shipped from the U.S. on Thursday November 15?

With the island reeling from the suggestion of spending $36 million on a dream World Cup run, the government has moved to dismiss claims that it should better prioritize spending.

Instead, it claims, it has found a way to ensure footballing glory whilst still providing the required government services.

Outsourcing, says Minister of Random Portfolios Horny Randton, is the way to take our nation forward.

“By outsourcing our other, less important ministries such as Housing, Education, Transport and Health, we can achieve significant savings and also neatly avoid having to figure out the new hospital mess,” said Randton.

“We will focus on critical issues such as reaching the World Cup by any means possible, while some sucker in Mumbai will have to take the flak for building a hospital in the Botanical Gardens and a new Premier’s mansion in Victoria Park.”

Denying that the move will cause an upturn in unemployment, Randton pointed out that the government can simply reduce expat numbers.

“We have already started a teaser campaign, leaving flyers on cars and mopeds to pique the interest of the public. This will be followed up with a $97 million advertising campaign that will be paid for by an increase in work permit application costs,” commented Randton.

The Random Portfolios minister refused to give away many details of the World Cup plan, other than to say that he believed he could prove a link between the island and Brazil star Ronaldinho. He declined to comment on suggestions that the midfield marvel looks and sounds like the lovechild of former minister Princess Vidal Sassoon and one of the Windyreach donkeys.

Randton asserted that the outsourcing move will benefit the community.

“When interviewing potential outsourcing companies in Mumbai, we insisted that they are able to offer the level of service that our population expects from its government; in the end, though, we had to settle for a higher competence.”

Randton did point out that the more technology focused portfolio of Telecommunications, e-Commerce and Geek Affairs will continue to be handed by the skilled team on-island.

“We are an e-Commerce powerhouse and we are yet to be convinced that India is capable of providing the broad range of dial-up-pretending-to-be-broadband that we already offer.”

* Completely fabricated. Spending $36 million to get a tiny bit of inhabited rock to the World Cup is way too daft that it could ever happen, isn’t it?

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Book Recommendation

Robert A. Heinlein: Stranger in a Strange LandPlease, buy Heinlein's masterpiece - the brilliant and spectacular novel that grew from a cult favourite to a bestseller to a classic in a few short years. It is the story of Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars who taught humankind grokking and water-sharing. And love.