UPS Guy and I went out a week ago yesterday for lunch, again. This time I pulled my balls out of my abdominal cavity and just blatantly asked him what he wanted out of what we had going on. I wasn’t ruling anything in or anything out at that time. I may come across as having “big balls” but when it comes to a face-to-face confrontation that may turn ugly, ugly, I really need deep breaths to force words out of my mouth.

Anyway, so he says he’s not looking to get married or have more kids, not at all for any reason. Okay. I told him that I was not ready to rule out children in my future and I didn’t feel that I was ready to engage in a relationship that would not include the possibilities of such. Additionally, I didn’t believe in continuing to allow him to buy me lunch, take me out, so to speak, if it wasn’t going anywhere. So, then he says that he would still really like to see me, liked me. I sorta liked him to at that point. Then we left the restaurant.

I was smoking a cigarette and since I know that he doesn’t smoke, I didn’t want to get into his car with a lit cigarette. He says, “Oh, go ahead, I smoke pot in here.” Hmmmmm… so we engaged in a conversation on the way back to my office about his pot smoking and cocaine use. Yeah, cocaine use. Now, its only when his son isn’t around, which is approximately 24 days a month. Perhaps only every other weekend. To each their own, but not around me. Wanna smoke pot ocassionally, I don’t care, just stay the fuck home and take your chances as to what might be mixed up in there. As I’ve said, I smoke pot about once a year, if that. Can’t say much there.

Wanna do cocaine? I really don’t want you around. I’m not into people doing drugs around me, especially what I consider to be the harder stuff. I definitely don’t want to waste my time on some peep who is out partying his ass off when I want to have a real relationship. I was still considering going out with him, even though we weren’t in the same place as far as family etc., but after he told me that, I just decided, we’re better off just dropping it here.

He got the message and we haven’t communicated since. I’m glad he told me because I would have been really pissed if I had found out two or three months from now. My personality is such that I know I have an addictive personality, that’s why I’ve never done anything harder than pot. Those days are pretty much over. Having a co-dependent personality, I definitely do not need to be around anyone who uses drugs, whether they be addicted or a “recreational user.” Its just bad for me. The “I’ll fix you! I’ll fix you! Syndrome” just sucks and is not for me anymore. I have to be very careful about that. Not that I don’t want to help peeps but I’m not a savior.

So, enough of that. Finally got my eyes checked yesterday. Let’s see…. corneal abrasions, corneal hypoxia, conjuctivitis. Yeah, so no contacts for me for a week and then we’ll see. They were able to make me a pair of glasses while I waited. I look like I’m ready to start lecturing on the theory of relativity. I like them. One of my contacts had a very, very small tear in it that was basically digging into my eye everytime I blinked. YIKES!!! and yuck! So, will have to suffer my trip to Cedar Point in my glasses but hey, who cares!!! Its Cedar Point!

I have been making more bead bracelets. I forgot to take a pic of the one I sent to Jeremiah. I asked him when he got it, but didn’t tell him what it was, to take a pic of it and send it to me so I can post it.

Speaking of Jeremiah…. you know, its really freaky to have a mad crush on one of your best friend’s brothers. I feel like I’m in high school again. Frankly speaking, I guess Beanie is my best friend. Beanie is one of the coolest people on the face of the Earth. She’s smart, she’s fun and funny!!! She doesn’t judge, gives good advice and has put up with me for 20 years. She’s just one of those people that is totally herself no matter what. Guys are drawn to her like flies to shit although she’s all honey.

I’ve realized a few things in my correspondences with Jeremy. One, I’ve had a crush on him for a long time. One of those crushes where you can’t even look at the person for fear they will be able to see right through you. Part of me gets the feeling I wasn’t entirely alone in that crush. Yes, he has a girlfriend, one I think he may spend the rest of his life with, which is a cool thing, not to mention, hard to find. If he didn’t though, I think at this point in my life, I would just throw caution to the wind and go for it.

It was hard for me to admit that he had actually grown up. One day he was just Beanie’s little brother, shorter than me, a little on the heavy side, and now he’s this 6’2″ man. Real man, not a little boy. Every time I look at his pics I think he couldn’t be more than 20 or 21, and shocked to realize that he is in fact, 27 or 28. ACK!!!

I got to keep peeling this onion!!! It sucks to watch something so wonderful go to someone else because I was such a pussy about making a move. It sucks to know had my self-esteem not been so rock bottom, I might have made that move. Life’s lessons are hard learned. Pull up, pull up by the boot straps!!!

AJ – you have a way of making me see!! Thanks, I need all the help I can get.

Celti – Well, he said he did want to see me when he came home for his break. I think right now he needs a friend… dunno about the rest. I feel in conflict because I know how much his family likes his girlfriend, not that they don’t like me, treat me like their own daughter… which in a way makes it harder. I’m just going to take it easy and be myself. I’ll be here for him regardless.

In regard to Jeremy, does your friend know how you feel about her brother? That may be one way to “get the word out” without an uncomfortable in-person “hey, I like you” kind of confession. If your friend could just plant the seed, who knows, something goes afoul with the GF, that seed might start a’ sproutin’! But I do think it might be disruptive to necessarily try to take him away from the GF, particularly if the ‘rents like her.

AJ – Well.. er… not really, she doesn’t know for sure I guess. But since she reads my blog occasionally she may find out before I have a chance to talk to her about it on our trip. I would never dream of “trying” to break someone up. That’s just rude. However, I have already informed said subject of … ummmm… not intentions but shall we say… a bit more of my feelings. If something runs afoul with the girlfriend, I’ll be first in line for sure though!!!

Hey Sister Spirit — For some reason (I do not what reason, but I trust it enough to tell you anyway –) this reminds me of having dropped a penny in the well in Heidelberg 3 months before D. and I finally stopped dancing around each other and started dancing with each other. As the penny sunk, I thought “if not D., then no one less.”