All 59 fast-food restaurants I can remember eating at, ranked

You know what people on the internet love arguing about? Everything. And fast-food restaurants fall under the umbrella of everything.

Sadly, there should be no arguments about the following rankings. It so happens my opinions are all 100% accurate, and so this list should be accurately received as the gospel truth, not simply one man’s excruciatingly well-informed take on fast-food chains.

Luckily, all my takes are correct and perfect, so I can define what does and does not constitute a fast-food restaurant on my own with no help from Wikipedia, even if it is pretty much the pinnacle of human achievement. A fast-food place is here defined as anything I declare a fast-food place, excluding those that serve mostly coffee or dessert, plus chains like Waffle House, Chipotle and Five Guys, which are good but don’t feel like they should count. Pizza chains you might find in the airport go in, but convenience stores that serve food, like Wawa, Stewart’s, Sheetz and Allsup’s — a personal favorite — are excluded.

Here we go. From last to first, starting with the list’s only tie:

58 (tie). Subway

58 (tie). Blimpie

Fast-food hero sandwiches are generally bad. But of the 59 fast-food places listed here, Subway and Blimpie hold a special distinction: Unless I was extremely, extremely hungry, if someone offered me a free Subway or Blimpie sandwich, I would turn it down and find literally anything else to eat. I’d even rather have godawful chain pizza from places like…

57. Pizza Hut

That right there is Pizza Hut’s newest pizza gimmick, the “Ultimate Cheesy Crust Pizza,” the latest in a growing history of ridiculous pizza ideas Pizza Hut apparently believes are more marketable than just making better pizza. One time, after three weeks in China eating only Chinese food, I got homesick enough to go to a Pizza Hut in Beijing. It tasted just like Pizza Hut everywhere else: Bad.

56. Taco John’s

Only once. Never again.

55. Quizno’s

The nicest thing one could say about Quizno’s is that it’s slightly better than Subway.

54. Little Caesar’s

Chain pizza, like chain hero sandwiches, is almost never good.

53. Domino’s

If Domino’s is the best option for pizza where you live, move.

52. Skyline Chili

(Skyline Chili)

Many people mistakenly believe that all Cincinnati-style chili is bad, and that’s simply not the case. Good Cincinnati chili is pretty good, but those whose only exposure to Porkopolis’ signature meaty-sauce-type-stuff comes at Skyline believe the whole genre is gross.

51. Taco Time

Meh.

50. Arthur Treacher’s

One of my uncles used to work at Arthur Treacher’s, so we had a plastic Arthur Treacher’s tray in my house growing up long before I ever sampled the chain’s signature fish and chips. It has been in decline since international tension over fishing territories between England and Iceland drove up cod prices in the 1970s in a dispute I just learned about that was apparently known as “the Cod Wars.”

49. Papa John’s

No politics: Papa John’s makes slightly better chain pizza than Domino’s and Pizza Hut, but really only because they give you that garlic sauce for dipping.

48. Burger King

The worst of the major national burger chains, Burger King might land even lower on this list if it didn’t occasionally stumble its way into a halfway palatable chicken sandwich.

44. Panda Express

43. Arby’s

42. Krystal

A total knockoff of White Castle. That one on the end of Bourbon St. in New Orleans is, at times, literally the saddest place in the world.

41. McDonald’s

To borrow a baseball term, McDonald’s is basically replacement-level food. It’s inexpensive, it’s widely available and it’s not totally horrible, but with a little bit of leg work you should always be able to find something better. I suspect the internet and the proliferation of smartphones will ultimately doom McDonald’s, empire though it may be, as more people understand that just opening your phone and searching “best thing to eat in (whatever town)” almost always leads to something better than McDonald’s. You’re still going to crave Chicken McNuggets every so often, though.

40. Jimmy John’s

39. Pita Pit

38. Sonic

Once upon a time, when Sonic advertised constantly but existed nowhere near where I lived, my roommate and I drove from Washington, D.C. to North Carolina just to try Sonic. The menu is magnificent but the food is always kind of disappointing. That trip was salvaged by all the fireworks and peanuts we bought along the way.

From this point forth on the list, every restaurant is someplace I’d be fairly psyched to eat at, either for the novelty or the proven deliciousness of the food or for the existence of at least one menu item atypical to fast-food restaurants. I’ll take a root-beer float whenever.

36. Dairy Queen

35. Steak N’ Shake

Not terrible, but so wildly overrated. I blame David Letterman, but he has earned the right to overrate fast-food restaurants.

A post shared by Nathan's Famous (@originalnathans) on Sep 22, 2017 at 6:13am PDT

Some of the best hot dogs in the game, and a couple of the Nathan’s locations on Long Island where I grew up get bonus points for having arcades.

33. Yoshinoya

Totally different than everything else on here, and pretty good.

32. Jack In The Box

Full disclosure: I starred as “American Backpacker No. 1” in a Jack In The Box commercial in 2000. I vernacularized the line, “We’re jonesin’ for something different.” The ad starts at the 12-second mark in the video here because an intern at my old job struggled to upload it from VHS:

31. Cheeburger Cheeburger

30. Wendy’s

The only major burger chain that gets bacon right. Why is bacon so hard for every other fast-food burger chain? It’s bacon, for crying out loud.

29. Fatburger

28. Church’s Chicken

27. White Castle

My dad fostered in me a love of fast food, and I fear ranking White Castle this low will get me disowned, because my dad loves White Castle so much. Truth is, White Castle ranks an easy No. 1 on this list anytime you want White Castle, and probably somewhere far below No. 29 anytime you don’t. Another true story: My late grandmother, while in her 80s, one time asked my dad if the White Castle in her town was still open and if he could take her there. He did, and the next week when he excitedly asked her if she wanted to go back, she said, “I think that’s the type of thing you want only once every 40 years.” Even grandma got the Crave sometimes. It’s a real thing.

26. KFC

25. Checkers/Rally’s

The lesser known version of the Carls Jr/Hardees thing, Checkers and Rally’s are the exact same place with the same graphics and same menus and same setups and everything more or less identical except the names on their signs. No matter what it’s called, the fries are especially good.

24. Portillo’s

Chicago’s city-wide sad and small-time anti-ketchup stance in regards to hot dogs is not held against Portillo’s here, since Portillo’s does make ketchup available and their Italian beef sandwiches are good.

A personal favorite, and not just because (fun fact!) I read my first words inside a long-gone Roy Rogers in my hometown. On the East Coast, Roy’s are now mostly limited to roadside rest stops, but there are still a bunch of freestanding ones in Western Maryland and Virginia. The roast beef and fried chicken draw the most attention, but their burgers are good, too. Also, the Fixins Bar — though perhaps hygienically questionable — should exist at every fast-food place.

20. Popeye’s

Very good fast-food fried chicken, great fast-food biscuits.

19. Maoz

The only fully vegetarian place on this list, Maoz only has a handful of locations. But I’ll ride or die with their falafel. If you’ve never had falafel, you really oughta try some falafel. I was once skeptical, too.

18. Hardees/Carl’s Jr.

17. Chefette

You have to be in Barbados to enjoy Chefette, but if you happen to be in Barbados — which is generally a pretty awesome place to be — you should probably check out Chefette. The menu is a bit overwhelming to a newcomer, but the broasted chicken is legit. Also, unrelated, but you’re going to want to sample Barbados’ yellow hot sauce. It could be the next sriracha if the condiment companies get their acts together and start listening to me about expanding their global hot-sauce offerings.

16. Biscuitville

Exactly what it sounds like: A biscuit-driven breakfast and lunch chain, mostly found in the Carolinas. They offer a fried-steak biscuit, which is my jam.

15. Raising Cane’s

Raising Cane’s only serves chicken fingers and a couple of sides, but the chicken fingers are great and the lack of selection makes for an entirely stress-free ordering process.

14. Whataburger

A post shared by Whataburger (@whataburger) on Jul 21, 2017 at 9:21am PDT

I was a Whataburger naysayer until I found out that many locations are open 24 hours a day and subsequently enjoyed a bacon cheeseburger at 3:55 a.m. following the Astros’ 10-inning win in Game 5 of the World Series in Houston. Now I’m a proud convert. Thank you for providing me that burger at that hour, Whataburger.

A 15-year-old Kansas-based chain slowly spreading out through the country, Freddy’s serves good burgers, good frozen custard, and arguably the best french fries in all of fast food.

12. Golden Krust

It’s only a matter of time before the Jamaican beef patty gets its day in the sun. It’s a perfect savory pastry: Flaky and buttery on the outside, meaty and spicy and moist on the inside. We need more nationwide access to good Jamaican patties, or at least some other incarnation of meat cooked inside pastry, like empanadas.

11. Chick-Fil-A

No disrespect, but it’s endlessly frustrating that Chick-Fil-A closes on Sunday, and while traveling for work, it is often only when I arrive at a closed Chick-Fil-A that I realize it’s Sunday. Their chicken biscuits might be the top fast-food breakfast item in the world.

10. Zaxby’s

Delicious fried chicken available throughout the south, where they don’t mess around with their fried chicken.

9. Taco Bell

Easily the best of the major national fast-food chains, and not just because they once made me president for a day. Inexpensive, consistent, delicious. A stalwart pillar of the fast-food game. The Beefy Nacho Loaded Griller in the Instagram above, by the way, is quietly one the very best Taco Bell things. Every food should have Crunchy Red Strips.

5. Good Times

You’re a dope online, and you’re going to get mad at me because you got all the way to the top of this list only to find some fast-food places you’ve never even heard of before. And — SPOILER ALERT — you’re only going to get angrier as you proceed through the Top 5. But I’m here to spread knowledge, not kowtow to the whims of the crowd, and I’m here to tell you that Good Times — a Colorado-based chain with only 38 locations — makes some of the best fast food I’ve ever had in my life. Maybe it was something about the thin air, or the long and spectacular drive through the Rocky Mountains that preceded my most recent visit, but I’ve been scheming to get back to Good Times since I last ate there in 2005.

Fact: Everyone who has ever been to Cook Out will spend the rest of his or her life raving about Cook Out. Char-grilled burgers legitimately taste like something served at a cookout. It’s not just a clever name.

3. Bonchon

A post shared by Bonchon (@bonchonchicken) on Nov 3, 2017 at 2:38pm PDT

How do you improve upon fried chicken? Trick question, suckers! There’s nothing better than fried chicken. But one especially delicious version of fried chicken comes from Bonchon, a growing South Korean which fries it up extra crispy then coats it in one of two tasty sauces. The batter is always crunchy, the meat is always moist and fresh, and the food is always incredible. It’s only in 10 states now, but it’s coming to yours soon, almost certainly. Bonchon will prove an inexorable force for amazing fried chicken.

2. Burgerville

A post shared by Burgerville (@burgerville) on Nov 3, 2016 at 7:39pm PDT

This Pacific Northwest chain seems dedicated to changing the whole game. Where other fast-food chains seem content to take a vaguely healthy food like potatoes and fry them up so they’re bad for you, Burgerville will fry up things like asparagus and sweet potatoes that, treated otherwise, might be genuinely good for you. Hell, they have seasonal specialty shakes based on recent berry harvests. They put brie cheese on burgers! That’s how you dunk all over In-N-Out.

1. Shake Shack

A post shared by SHAKE SHACK (@shakeshack) on May 20, 2017 at 6:09pm PDT

Given the constant lines and semi-long wait times, it may be a stretch to even call Shake Shack fast food, but it is this author’s considered belief that the simple, straightforward, and utterly fabulous Shackburger has and will continue to improve the global standards for fast-food cheeseburgers. Straight up, I don’t think there’s any way I get to enjoy this bacon cheeseburger if Shake Shack never came along. Shake Shack knockoffs — Fake Shacks, if you will — are popping up all over the place now, and the main thing they all share is an emphasis on beef quality. It’s a good thing. And though some of Shake Shack’s more recent offerings have been hit-or-miss, their special spicy chicken sandwich is an excellent substitute if for some reason you’re not in the mood for a burger, and it’s the only place that has found a way to serve me a portobello mushroom I enjoy — by stuffing it with cheese and frying it. The crinkle-cut fries are overrated and their brief foray into hand-cut, thin fries was an upgrade they should’ve continued, but the burgers are just so, so extraordinarily good for anything even close to the realm of fast food.

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