Thursday, September 1, 2011

Mass Effect 2 Review, Part 1

I finished Mass Effect 2 last night.I realize the game is a year old, and there are tons of reviews already out there, but none of them cover the important part of the game.Sure, they cover the shooting (there’s a pun in there, get it?), the dialogue, the animation, that annoying scanning game, but none of the good stuff.That’s right, none of them talk about how I felt about the game.Shocking oversight, but one I plan to rectify.

Mass Effect 2 is a science fiction shooter game.It’s called science fiction because magic is called “biotics,” monsters are called “aliens,” and weapons are called “guns.”It’s science fiction because you fly from planet to planet, and watch space battles happen (you can’t take part in any of them, just watch).It’s called a shooter because the only action in the game is when you run from something to hide behind to another thing to hide behind, and then shoot people.

"We're so lucky we got into a firefight at the skate park!"

Oh, there’s some talking, too.You go through these dialogue trees to get different voice responses. Whee.

If you select option 1, she sleeps with you. Option 2 or 3, she doesn't. JUST LIKE REAL LIFE.

Where Mass Effect 2 really shines, however, is choosing whom to sleep with.In the original game, you had a male companion, a female companion, and a bisexual alien companion.In this game, you can choose between a half-naked, bald, tattooed woman, an alien who always hides behind a mask, a human woman (bo-RING!), and your secretary.There are some guys you can sleep with if you’re playing the female character, but…Ew.

Decisions, decisions.

The best part is, every single person on the ship is only interested in having sex with you!Imagine, you’ve got this ship with dozens of sexy, interesting people on board with nothing to do for weeks and all of them are looking at you like you were the only ice cream sandwich at a fat farm.It was even weirder, because I let my son pick what my character looked like (imagine Death from The Seventh Seal) and my armor color (hot pink).

"No, Commander, we both find you completely attractive."

Anyway, I had always had a thing for the masked alien in Mass Effect 1, but wasn’t allowed to get in a relationship with her.I was worried I’d have to stay involved with the annoying human love interest, but (luckily) I lost my saved game.In Mass Effect 2, the masked alien was back and (like everyone else) had the hots for me!Yay Mass Effect 2.

"I find your lack of lips attractive."

You know when you go to eat a buffet and they give you these tiny plates but you want to try everything?That was my problem.Suddenly, the half-naked, bald, tattooed woman seemed oddly sexy (unlike half-naked, bald, tattooed women in real life), and the cute secretary kept flirting with me.

It's almost like they were real women...

What to do?What to do?!

Well, I did what I always do when perplexed about sexual matters, I got on the internet.Six hours of research later, I found out you could have sex with the tattooed woman, keep your relationship with the masked alien, break up with her, and start things with your secretary!

And, just like in real life, if you can't choose, both women visit you in your bedroom!

Mass Effect 2 was the greatest game ever.

And then my crew and my secretary got kidnapped by aliens.You can go rescue them immediately, but I figured that would end the game, and I wasn’t finished, so I didn’t.When I finally did go to save her, I got there just in time to watch her being ground up into a grey paste.I was devastated.I really liked her.I mean, she flirted with me!That never happens in real life.As nice as the my masked alien girlfriend was and sex with the half-naked, bald, tattooed woman was, I was unable to sleep that night. I was really upset.

I just liked the way she collated, okay?!

Mass Effect 2 sucked.

So, I went back to an old save and played it again.And again.And again.Finally, I managed to save her.You know what I got for that?