Child Abuse Survivorhttp://www.childabusesurvivor.net
About a male survivor of childhood abuse, and the issues he faces in adult life. Mon, 02 Mar 2015 01:47:56 +0000en-UShourly1Shame and Guilt – For Telling the Truthhttp://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/28/shame-and-guilt-for-telling-the-truth/
http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/28/shame-and-guilt-for-telling-the-truth/#commentsSun, 01 Mar 2015 04:37:17 +0000http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/?p=2206I discovered a relatively new site yesterday and while I don’t know much about the author, I thought this particular part of what it’s like to finally tell someone about your abuse was really insightful. However, I also felt extremely … Continued

I discovered a relatively new site yesterday and while I don’t know much about the author, I thought this particular part of what it’s like to finally tell someone about your abuse was really insightful.

However, I also felt extremely guilty. This was a “forever secret” and I broke it. A year later, and I still can’t shake this guilt I feel, and this loyalty to him, hence why this blog is currently under an anonymous name.

This is something we don’t tend to talk about enough, but when i read this I really thought it was a perfect example of the struggle adults, let alone kids, deal with when it comes to telling. Even if we can get past the shame of being a victim, there’s the attachment that survivors develop over years of grooming and abuse.

This is real, and it should not be taken lightly when we think about why survivors struggle with sharing their stories.

]]>http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/28/shame-and-guilt-for-telling-the-truth/feed/7Seeking the Pattern of Our Abusehttp://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/26/seeking-the-pattern-of-our-abuse/
http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/26/seeking-the-pattern-of-our-abuse/#commentsThu, 26 Feb 2015 16:19:37 +0000http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/?p=2201I was having a conversation a few weeks ago about the way our minds work. In a nutshell, it’s been shown, time and time again, that the human brain is hardwired to find patterns, even when they aren’t there. Basically, … Continued

I was having a conversation a few weeks ago about the way our minds work. In a nutshell, it’s been shown, time and time again, that the human brain is hardwired to find patterns, even when they aren’t there.

Basically, when new information is introduced to us, our brain tries to fit it in with what we already know and believe. That’s why it’s so hard to convince people of something that doesn’t fit their world view, our brains aren’t designed that way. It’s actually more instrinctive to make the new information fit. It’s how we keep ourselves safe, by incorporating new information into our existing world view in order to quickly adapt to changes. If there’s a pattern, then we can use that to predict the next danger. That’s a basic survival instinct.

With abused children, the same thing hapens. How many survivors have you heard trying to “make sense” of their past? Unfortunately, too many of us try to make sense of the abuse by looking at what we already know, rather than looking at the whole picture.

What I mean by that, is that children, generally, see the world from their own viewpoint. Children who’ve not matured to the point of recognizing that things happening around them is not the same a things revolving around them, tend to look at a new eperience like being abused, and try to fit it into their world. But, their world only consists of them, so they, naturally, try to figure out why they were abused.

But it’s the wrong question. We weren’t abused because of anything we did, nor were we abused because it is part of some greater “reason”. Telling survivors that everything happens for a reason, or encouraging them to find the purpose of being a survivor only encourages wrong thinking about what happened. The abuse happened because someone else decided to abuse a child. Their may be some pattern, or reason, that the abuser chose to do this, but in the end, that’s exactly what it was. Their choice. Looking at ourselves and trying to figure out why someone else acted would be similar to looking at our own lives to try and figure out why our neighbor bought a motorcycle. They bought a motorcycle because they wanted a motorcycle, thinking that they did it because of us is ridiculous.

So don’t be ridiculous, ok? You were abused because your abuser made the decision to carry out horrible acts. Instead of trying to find the meaning of it all, let’s start looking at how to heal from it, and have the life we are capable of making for ourselves, as survivors.

]]>http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/26/seeking-the-pattern-of-our-abuse/feed/4Relationships are Hard for Survivors, We Don’t Know Ourselveshttp://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/23/relationships-are-hard-for-survivors-we-dont-know-ourselves/
http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/23/relationships-are-hard-for-survivors-we-dont-know-ourselves/#commentsMon, 23 Feb 2015 15:06:30 +0000http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/?p=2183I recently saw a link to an article that was posted back a few months ago on the Good Therapy website: Why Hiding Who We Are Hurts Us While the article is about relationships, and marriage counseling in particular, part … Continued

While the article is about relationships, and marriage counseling in particular, part of it really resonated with me as a survivor. It even matches some of the things I’ve written about before about healing.

Who am I? What do I want, think, need, believe? What do I like, hate, fear, love? These are only some of the basic questions we wrestle with as we grow and develop our identities. When we grow up in an environment that feels dangerous or destructive, we need to find a safe way to protect ourselves from mistreatment and intolerable feelings. But when we adapt to a false self, we frequently miss the opportunity to develop the answers to these questions.

I’ve said it many times before, but child abuse survivors simply don’t develop a sense of ourselves the way we would expect children to. We do not understand our place in the world, and our value. I know that the first time I got married, I did not have the appropriate answers to these questions. Is it any wonder that relationship ended in divorce? I didn’t know who I was, or what intrinsic value I had. How could I possibly be in an intimate relationship with someone else when I wasn’t intimately aware of myself?

To quote from the article further:

The development of a sense of identity—this is who I am; this is what I know and feel about me—helps us to locate ourselves in the world. The sense of self that we carry with us, including feelings of confidence and self-esteem, are constantly evolving as we engage in our relationships in the world. When we sequester our “true self” to keep it safe, it loses the opportunity to have “true self” experiences, which are the building blocks of identity. The false self may have kept Jeff safe from intolerable feelings, but it deprived him of becoming a person who could see himself and be seen as a person with a large number of positive and negative attributes (valuable, funny, smart, stubborn, courageous, mean, loving, etc.).

This is healing, becoming a person with a sense of identity above and beyond that of “victim”. We see far too many people out there who seem incapable of having anything resembling a healthy relationship. If that’s you, maybe you should take some time to figure out who you really are, and go from there.

]]>http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/23/relationships-are-hard-for-survivors-we-dont-know-ourselves/feed/12Guys Your Buddies Do Have Mental Health Issueshttp://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/19/guys-your-buddies-do-have-mental-health-issues/
http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/19/guys-your-buddies-do-have-mental-health-issues/#commentsThu, 19 Feb 2015 18:52:31 +0000http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/?p=2180This is how stigma happens. According to a recent UK study, 7 out of 10 male students “struggle to believe their friends have mental health issues”. In a nationwide study of UK students’ attitudes towards mental health, The Priory Group … Continued

According to a recent UK study, 7 out of 10 male students “struggle to believe their friends have mental health issues”.

In a nationwide study of UK students’ attitudes towards mental health, The Priory Group found 86% agreed there is a stigma attached to mental health issues at university.

So male students are cognizant of the fact that there is a stigma attached to mental health issues, but then turn around and don’t believe anyone they know falls into that category?

Let’s face it, there is a stigma, especially among young males, attached to mental health. A large part of that stigma can be explained by these results. Mental health is a problem for other people, not me and my friends. I’d like to say that men grow out of this idea, but my own experience tells me that’s not true, and the study seems to bear that out:

Older students (between 25-34) are less likely to believe their peers than younger students (18-24)

Guys, just stop it. Seriously. You know people who struggle with depression and other mental health issues. The statistics on mental illness make it almost impossible that you have somehow avoided knowing anyone who has been struggling with their mental health. They just choose not to tell you either because they tried once and you didn’t believe them, or your group has made it sufficiently clear that you consider mental illness to be something that happens to “other” people, and no one wants to be the “other”.

Being the “other” is the definition of stigma. Guys who have mental health struggles are not the “other”, they are your friends, and it’d be great if they could turn to their so-called friends for the support that could help them so very much.

]]>http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/19/guys-your-buddies-do-have-mental-health-issues/feed/1How Will Others React to Your Change?http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/02/will-others-react-change/
http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/02/will-others-react-change/#commentsMon, 02 Feb 2015 15:37:41 +0000http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/?p=2172Douglas Welch ran an older column of his recently on his website. Not everyone is happy when you change. So much of it reminded me of what can often happens to survivors going through the healing process. Usually, those around … Continued

So much of it reminded me of what can often happens to survivors going through the healing process.

Usually, those around us, our friends and family, are supportive of our changes. They want to see us grow, too. On occasion, though, there are people who see changes in your life as threatening to their own status quo. If you gain success by changing, what does that mean for them if they remain the same. Humans can be caring individuals, but sometimes they can get wrapped up in their own emotions.

I am sure you have seen this in action in your own life. You decide to lose some weight and then a friend constantly entices you to go to one restaurant or another. You disclose your desire to move to a new town, only to hear all the negative aspects of living there. You are looking for a promotion and your co-workers try to convince you that it would either be too hard of a job or that you could never succeed at it. This natural desire to maintain the status quo can take many forms from benign to destructive, but you always need to look beyond what your friends are saying and find the underlying cause.

Sound familiar to any of you? It sure does to me. Whether we are talking about family who don’t want you to heal and tell your story for their own selfish reasons, or to “protect family secrets”, or friends who have gotten used to the person you are currently, and don’t want anything to be different, or others who simply can’t understand what you are trying to do, not everyone is going to be thrilled as you go through change to help you live a healthy life.

But in the end, those people aren’t what matters. The new, healthy you, will make new friends, have new interests and make healthy connections. Mourn for the lost connections all you want, but you have to move forward, not be held back by those around you. That’s no way to move forward into the life you deserve.

]]>http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/02/02/will-others-react-change/feed/10Why Think About Abusers? Because It Wasn’t Your Faulthttp://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/01/28/think-abusers-wasnt-fault/
http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/01/28/think-abusers-wasnt-fault/#commentsWed, 28 Jan 2015 19:53:51 +0000http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/?p=2158Last night I stumbled into the #sexabusechat on Twitter, mostly by happening to be looking at twitter when it started up more than by design, I have to admit. The topic of the evening was on generational abuse, and how … Continued

]]>Last night I stumbled into the #sexabusechat on Twitter, mostly by happening to be looking at twitter when it started up more than by design, I have to admit. The topic of the evening was on generational abuse, and how it carries down from one generation to the next. In response to the question of why we should care to examine the family history of the abuser, I had this to say:

@TruthisHers I think anything that gives us context beyond “You deserved it” is a good thing, history does that. #sexabusechat

Now I know what you’re about to say. I’ve seen it said over and over again by survivors and others. The person who abused you is evil and you shouldn’t spend any time thinking about them or trying to understand what they did, there is no explanation for it!

OK, yeah, that is true, in a very shortsighted way. The reason I think it’s shortsighted is because if we don’t let survivors examine the reality and history of the person who abused them, they are still going to wonder why. Why me? Why was I abused? That’s the wrong question and leaves us only looking for answers that lead to a conclusion that I did something to attract, or even deserve the abuse. Instead of seeing the truth of the abuser, we are left with figuring out why they chose me.

By allowing survivors to examine that history, maybe, just maybe, they can begin to get a clearer picture of what happened. They can look at the larger picture, that the abuser was going to abuse due to reasons that had nothing to do with the survivor at all, the only thing they “did” to attract this abuse was exist in the path of the abuser. In essence, this was a storm that was coming, and it was going to hit someone. It wasn’t your fault it hit you.

That doesn’t mean the abuser isn’t to blame, regardless of how traumatic their own life has been, but understanding that this person was going to inflict pain on someone, can help survivors stop trying to figure out what they did to attract it. They didn’t do anything, and isn’t that a better understanding of childhood abuse?

I think it’s a healthier place to start healing myself, even if you don’t have any background on your abuser, it can help to understand, in general, that abusers are a storm waiting for a victim, you weren’t a victim waiting to be abused.

What do you think? Do you know what kind of history your abuser(s) had before they abused you? Do you even want to?

]]>http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/01/28/think-abusers-wasnt-fault/feed/12How to Treat Loved Ones With Depressionhttp://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/01/15/treat-loved-ones-depression/
http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/wordpress/2015/01/15/treat-loved-ones-depression/#commentsThu, 15 Jan 2015 15:54:11 +0000http://www.childabusesurvivor.net/?p=2154Found an interesting list the other day on this subject. 20 Things to Remember If Your Loved Ones Suffer from Depression. Most of them are things that are good to be reminded of, but one really stood out for me: … Continued

Most of them are things that are good to be reminded of, but one really stood out for me:

10. They should be treated like anyone else

No need for eggshells, or tiptoes. Go about your business and assume your depressed loved one is 100% healthy. Sometimes just living a routine, but a predictable, purposeful routine, can bring such a boost and be a remedy for depression.

When I was suffering from depression, and even as I was medicated and beginning to climb out of it, the one thing that was far too rare in my life was friends who could interact with me the same way they did before I got sick. Instead of having a few laughs and catching up, their actions towards me served as a constant reminder that something was wrong with me, that I was so broken and beyond repair that no one dared speak an ill word about anything for fear of breaking me even further.

Like I needed help with that.

When you are suffering from depression, it is a constant battle to see yourself as normal. The illness is always telling you how useless, worthless, and abnormal you are. It tells you that nothing is worth the effort, that no one really likes you, and no one wants to be around you. And then, when you do convince yourself to push past that, and be social, your friends simply prove the point by being uncomfortable around you. (See? No one wants to be around you, you make them uncomfortable, there’s something wrong with you…)

So please, if you know someone suffering from depression, keep all 20 things in mind, but for me, also remember that they are the same person they were before the depression started, and treat them accordingly, OK?