Sunday, January 23, 2011

incomplete and insecure

...don't worry it's just an avett brothers song title...it's not completely how i feel right now but pretty damn close.

the first line of this sad yet beautiful song says "i haven't finished a thing since i've started my life..." i feel like this is the story of my life. i just am so entirely frustrated right now with myself and my indecisiveness. i feel like i can never make up my mind and just stick.to.it. "ooh i wanna do special ed!...no i wanna do occupational therapy!...no i wanna do photography!...ooh but art teacher would be cool!" it's always something different and i know it's not just me being paranoid because i see it in the rolling eyes of those i talk to. the people that love and care about me, the people who are the ones that believe in me, can't really ever trust my decisions when it comes to a career or livelihood because i'm always changing my freaking mind! and i know yeah sure, whatever, change my mind all i can now so i can find something i love but it's completely annoying to me. i have friends that have known for years what they've wanted to be...and they're doing it! meanwhile, i move from one thing to another like a little kid with ADHD put in a room with a bunch of shiny things. and yeah, some could argue that it's because i know what i like and don't like but that's not entirely true. because i feel like a lot of times, i just run away from things before i even get in the thick of it.

i mean, i don't regret the way that i've done things, but i often wonder if i would have been better off just staying in school and working through it. was i really just going to san jose to get away from my problems or my worries? did i foolishly think they weren't going to follow me?

i know it's an attractive and admirable quality to be confident in yourself, but right now i am not. i'm confident in the kind of person i am but that's a whole different ball game from being confident in the decisions you're making about your career and future. i have NO idea what i want to do. there are just so many things i would love to try. and i wish my brain would just shut off sometimes and stop constantly spinning and coming up with these ridiculous thoughts and scenarios that i think are going to happen if i go this way or that way. i hate that i'm up right now at 4 o'clock in the morning because i can't make it stop. i'm just sick of not knowing. i feel like i'm always in a sea of the unknown and right now folks, i'm drowning.

"what is important? what's really important?...will i ever know silence without mental violence? will the ringing at night go away? it's up to you, my father, call on me."