TRYGAEUSTWO SERVANTS OF TRYGAEUSDAUGHTERS OF TRYGAEUSHERMESWARTUMULTHIEROCLES, a SoothsayerAN ARMOURERA SICKLE-MAKERA CREST-MAKERSON OF LAMACHUSSON OF CLEONYMUSCHORUS OF HUSBANDMEN

Scene

Behind the Orchestra on the right the farmhouse of TRYGAEUS, in the centre the mouth of a cave closed up with huge boulders, on the left the palace of ZEUS. In front of the farmhouse is a stable, the door of wkich is closed. Two of TRYGAEUS'slaves are seen in front of the stable, one of them kneading cakes of dung, the other taking the finished cakes and throwing them into the stable.

FIRST SERVANT

Quick, quick, bring the dung-beetle his cake.

SECOND SERVANT

There it is. Give it to him, and may it kill him! And may he
never eat a better.

FIRST SERVANT

Now give him this other one kneaded up with ass's dung.

SECOND SERVANT

There! I've done that too. And where's what you gave him just
now? Surely he can't have devoured it yet!

FIRST SERVANT

Indeed he has; he snatched it, rolled it between his feet and
bolted it. Come, hurry up, knead up a lot and knead them stiffly.

SECOND SERVANT

Oh, scavengers, help me in the name of the gods, if you do
not wish to see me fall down choked.

FIRST SERVANT

Come, come, another made from the stool of a fairy's favourite.
That will be to the beetle's taste; he likes it well ground.

SECOND SERVANT

There! I am free at least from suspicion; none will accuse
me of tasting what I mix.

FIRST SERVANT

Faugh! come, now another! keep on mixing with all your might.

SECOND SERVANT

By god, no. I can stand this awful cesspool stench no longer.

FIRST SERVANT

I shall bring you the whole ill-smelling gear.

SECOND SERVANT

Pitch it down the sewer sooner, and yourself with it.

To the AUDIENCE

Maybe, one of you can tell me where I can buy a stopped-up nose, for there
is no work more disgusting than to mix food for a dung-beetle and to carry
it to him. A pig or a dog will at least pounce upon our excrement without
more ado, but this foul wretch affects the disdainful, the spoilt mistress,
and won't eat unless I offer him a cake that has been kneaded for an entire
day.... But let us open the door a bit ajar without his seeing it. Has
he done eating? Come, pluck up courage, cram yourself till you burst! The
cursed creature! It wallows in its food! It grips it between its claws
like a wrestler clutching his opponent, and with head and feet together
rolls up its paste like a rope-maker twisting a hawser. What an indecent,
stinking, gluttonous beast! I don't know what angry god let this monster
loose upon us, but of a certainty it was neither Aphrodite nor the Graces.

FIRST SERVANT

Who was it then?

SECOND SERVANT

No doubt Zeus, the God of the Thundercrap.

FIRST SERVANT

But perhaps some spectator, some beardless youth, who thinks
himself a sage, will say, "What is this? What does the beetle mean?" And
then an Ionian, sitting next him, will add, "I think it's an allusion to
Cleon, who so shamelessly feeds on filth all by himself."-But now I'm going
indoors to fetch the beetle a drink.

SECOND SERVANT

As for me, I will explain the matter to you all, children,
youths, grownups and old men, aye, even to the decrepit dotards. My master
is mad, not as you are, but with another sort of madness, quite a new kind.
The livelong day he looks open-mouthed towards heaven and never stops addressing
Zeus. "Ah! Zeus," he cries, "what are thy intentions? Lay aside thy besom;
do not sweep Greece away!" Ah! Hush, hush! I think I hear his voice!

TRYGAEUS from within

Oh! Zeus, what art thou going to do for our people? Dost thou not see this,
that our cities will soon be but empty husks?

SECOND SERVANT

As I told you, that is his form of madness. There you have
a sample of his follies. When his trouble first began to seize him, he
said to himself, "By what means could I go straight to Zeus? Then he made
himself very slender little ladders and so clambered up towards heaven;
but he soon came hurtling down again and broke his head. Yesterday, to
our misfortune, he went out and brought us back this thoroughbred, but
from where I know not, this great beetle, whose groom he has forced me
to become. He himself caresses it as though it were a horse, saying, "Oh!
my little Pegasus, my noble aerial steed, may your wings soon bear me straight
to Zeus!" But what is my master doing? I must stoop down to look through
this hole. Oh! great gods! Here! neighbours, run here quick! here is my
master flying off mounted on his beetle as if on horseback.

The Machine brings in TRYGAEUS astride an enormous figure of a dung
beetle with wings spread.

TRYGAEUS intoning

Gently, gently, go easy, beetle; don't start off so proudly, or trust at
first too greatly to your powers; wait till you have sweated, till the
beating of your wings shall make your limb joints supple. Above all things,
don't let off some foul smell. I adjure you; else I would rather have you
stay right in the stable.

SECOND SERVANT intoning

Poor master! Is he crazy?

TRYGAEUS intoning

Silence! silence!

SECOND SERVANT intoning

But why start up into the air on chance?

TRYGAEUS intoning

'Tis for the weal of all the Greeks; I am attempting a daring and novel
feat.

SECOND SERVANT intoning

But what is your purpose? What useless folly!

TRYGAEUS intoning

No words of ill omen! Give vent to joy and command all men to keep silence,
to close down their drains and privies with new tiles and to cork up their
own arses.

FIRST SERVANT speaking

No, I shall not be silent, unless you tell me where you are going.

TRYGAEUS

Why, where am I likely to be going across the sky, if it be
not to visit Zeus?

Father! father! what is this I hear? Is it true? What! you would leave
me, you would vanish into the sky, you would go to the crows? Impossible!
Answer, father, if you love me.

TRYGAEUS singing

Yes, I am going. You hurt me too sorely, my daughters, when you ask me
for bread, calling me your daddy, and there is not the ghost of an obolus
in the house; if I succeed and come back, you will have a barley loaf every
morning-and a punch in the eye for sauce!

LITTLE DAUGHTER

But how will you make the journey? There's no ship that will
take you there.

TRYGAEUS

No, but this winged steed will.

LITTLE DAUGHTER

But what an idea, papa, to harness a beetle, to fly to the
gods on.

TRYGAEUS

We see from Aesop's fables that they alone can fly to the abode
of the Immortals.

LITTLE DAUGHTER

Father, father, that's a tale nobody can believe! that such
a smelly creature can have gone to the gods.

TRYGAEUS

It went to have vengeance on the eagle and break its eggs.

LITTLE DAUGHTER

Why not saddle Pegasus? you would have a more tragic appearance
in the eyes of the gods.

TRYGAEUS

Eh! don't you see, little fool, that then twice the food would
be wanted? Whereas my beetle devours again as filth what I have eaten myself.

LITTLE DAUGHTER

And if it fell into the watery depths of the sea, could it
escape with its wings?

TRYGAEUS exposing himself

I am fitted with a rudder in case of need, and my Naxos beetle will serve
me as a boat.

LITTLE DAUGHTER

And what harbour will you put in at?

TRYGAEUS

Why is there not the harbour of Cantharus at the Piraeus?

LITTLE DAUGHTER

Take care not to knock against anything and so fall off into
space; once a cripple, you would be a fit subject for Euripides, who would
put you into a tragedy.

TRYGAEUS as the Machine hoists him higher

I'll see to it. Good-bye!

To the Athenians

You, for love of whom I brave these dangers, do ye neither fart nor crap
for the space of three days, for, if, while cleaving the air, my steed
should scent anything, he would fling me head foremost from the summit
of my hopes.

Intoning

Now come, my Pegasus, get a-going with up-pricked ears and make your golden
bridle resound gaily. Eh! what are you doing? What are you up to? Do you
turn your nose towards the cesspools? Come, pluck up a spirit; rush upwards
from the earth, stretch out your speedy wings and make straight for the
palace of Zeus; for once give up foraging in your daily food.-Hi! you down
there, what are you after now? Oh! my god! it's a man taking a crap in
the Piraeus, close to the whorehouses. But is it my death you seek then,
my death? Will you not bury that right away and pile a great heap of earth
upon it and plant wild thyme therein and pour perfumes on it? If I were
to fall from up here and misfortune happened to me, the town of Chios would
owe a fine of five talents for my death, all because of your damned arse.

Speaking

Alas! how frightened I am! oh! I have no heart for jests. Ah! machinist,
take great care of me. There is already a wind whirling round my navel;
take great care or, from sheer fright, I shall form food for my beetle....
But I think I am no longer far from the gods; aye, that is the dwelling
of Zeus, I perceive.

The beetle descends and comes to a halt in front of the house of ZEUS.
TRYGAEUS dismounts and knocks at the door.

I am Trygaeus of the Athmonian deme, a good vine-dresser, little
addicted to quibbling and not at all an informer.

HERMES

Why do you come?

TRYGAEUS

I come to bring you this meat.

HERMES changing his tone

Ah! my good friend, did you have a good journey?

TRYGAEUS

Glutton, be off! I no longer seem a triple scoundrel to you.
Come, call Zeus.

HERMES

Ah! ah! you are a long way yet from reaching the gods, for
they moved yesterday.

TRYGAEUS

To what part of the earth?

HERMES

Eh! of the earth, did you say?

TRYGAEUS

In short, where are they then?

HERMES

Very far, very far, right at the furthest end of the dome of
heaven.

TRYGAEUS

But why have they left you all alone here?

HERMES

I am watching what remains of the furniture, the little pots
and pans, the bits of chairs and tables, and odd wine-jars.

TRYGAEUS

And why have the gods moved away?

HERMES

Because of their wrath against the Greeks. They have located
War in the house they occupied themselves and have given him full power
to do with you exactly as he pleases; then they went as high up as ever
they could, so as to see no more of your fights and to hear no more of
your prayers.

TRYGAEUS

What reason have they for treating us so?

HERMES

Because they have afforded you an opportunity for peace more
than once, but you have always preferred war. If the Laconians got the
very slightest advantage, they would exclaim, "By the Twin Brethren! the
Athenians shall smart for this." If, on the contrary, the latter triumphed
and the Laconians came with peace proposals, you would say, "By Demeter,
they want to deceive us. No, by Zeus, we will not hear a word; they will
always be coming as long as we hold Pylos."

TRYGAEUS

Yes, that is quite the style our folk do talk in.

HERMES

So that I don't know whether you will ever see Peace again.

TRYGAEUS

Why, where has she gone to then?

HERMES

War has cast her into a deep pit.

TRYGAEUS

Where?

HERMES

Down there, at the very bottom. And you see what heaps of stones
he has piled over the top, so that you should never pull her out again.

TRYGAEUS

Tell me, what is War preparing against us?

HERMES

All I know is that last evening he brought along a huge mortar.

TRYGAEUS

And what is he going to do with his mortar?

HERMES

He wants to pound up all the cities of Greece in it.... But
I must say good-bye, for I think he is coming out; what an uproar he is
making!

He departs in haste.

TRYGAEUS

Ah! great gods let us seek safety; I think I already hear the
noise of this fearful war mortar.

He hides.

WAR enters, carrying a huge mortar

Oh! mortals, mortals, wretched mortals, how your jaws will snap!

TRYGAEUS

Oh! divine Apollo! what a prodigious big mortar! Oh, what misery
the very sight of War causes me! This then is the foe from whom I fly,
who is so cruel, so formidable, so stalwart, so solid on his legs!

WAR

Oh! Prasiae! thrice wretched, five times, aye, a thousand times
wretched! for thou shalt be destroyed this day.

He throws some leeks into the mortar.

TRYGAEUS to the audience

This, gentlemen, does not concern us over much; it's only so much the worse
for the Laconians.

WAR

Oh! Megara! Megara! utterly are you going to be ground up!
what fine mincemeat are you to be made into!

He throws in some garlic.

TRYGAEUS aside

Alas! alas! what bitter tears there will be among the Megarians!

WAR throwing in some cheese

Oh, Sicily! you too must perish! Your wretched towns shall be grated like
this cheese. Now let us pour some Attic honey into the mortar.

He does so.

TRYGAEUS aside

Oh! I beseech you! use some other honey; this kind is worth four obols;
be careful, oh! be careful of our Attic honey.

WAR

Hi! Tumult, you slave there!

TUMULT

What do you want?

WAR

Out upon you! Standing there with folded arms! Take this cuff
on the head for your pains.

TUMULT

Oh! how it stings! Master, have you got garlic in your fist,
I wonder?

WAR

Run and fetch me a pestle.

TUMULT

But we haven't got one; it was only yesterday we moved.

WAR

Go and fetch me one from Athens, and hurry, hurry!

TUMULT

I'll hurry; if I return without one, I shall have no cause
for laughing.

He runs off.

TRYGAEUS to the audience

Ah! what is to become of us, wretched mortals that we are? See the danger
that threatens if he returns with the pestle, for War will quietly amuse
himself with pounding all the towns of Hellas to pieces. Ah! Bacchus! cause
this herald of evil to perish on his road!

WAR to the returning TUMULT

Well?

TUMULT

Well, what?

WAR

You have brought back nothing?

TUMULT

Alas! the Athenians have lost their pestle-the tanner, who
ground Greece to powder.

TRYGAEUS

Oh! Athene, venerable mistress! it is well for our city he
is dead, and before he could serve us with this hash.

WAR

Then go and seek one at Sparta and have done with it!

TUMULT

Aye, aye, master!

He runs off.

WAR shouting after him

Be back as quick as ever you can.

TRYGAEUS to the audience

What is going to happen, friends? This is the critical hour. Ah! if there
is some initiate of Samothrace among you, this is surely the moment to
wish this messenger some accident-some sprain or strain.

TUMULT returning

Alas! alas! thrice again, alas!

WAR

What is it? Again you come back without it?

TUMULT

The Spartans too have lost their pestle.

WAR

How, varlet?

TUMULT

They had lent it to their allies in Thrace, who have lost it
for them.

TRYGAEUS

Long life to you, Thracians! My hopes revive, pluck up courage,
mortals!

WAR

Take all this stuff; I am going in to make a pestle for myself.

He goes in, followed by TUMULT.

TRYGAEUS coming out of his hiding-place

Now is the time to sing as Datis did, as he masturbated at high noon, "Oh
pleasure! oh enjoyment! oh delights!" Now, oh Greeks! is the moment when
freed of quarrels and fighting, we should rescue sweet Peace and draw her
out of this pit, before some other pestle prevents us. Come, labourers,
merchants, workmen, artisans, strangers, whether you be domiciled or not,
islanders, come here, Greeks of all countries, come hurrying here with
picks and levers and ropes! This is the moment to drain a cup in honour
of the Good Genius.

The CHORUS enters; it consists of labourers and farmers from various
Greek states.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Come hither all! quick, to the rescue! All peoples of Greece,
now is the time or never, for you to help each other. You see yourselves
freed from battles and all their horrors of bloodshed. The day hateful
to Lamachus has come.

To TRYGAEUS

Come then, what must be done? Give your orders, direct us, for or swear
to work this day without ceasing, until with the help of our levers and
our engines we have drawn back into light the greatest of all goddesses,
her to whom the olive is so dear.

TRYGAEUS

Silence! if War should hear your shouts of joy he would bound
forth from his retreat in fury.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Such a decree overwhelms us with joy; how different to the
edict, which bade us muster with provisions for three days.

TRYGAEUS

Let us beware lest the cursed Cerberus prevent us even from
the nethermost bell from delivering the goddess by his furious howling,
just as he did when on earth.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Once we have hold of her, none in the world will be able to
take her from us. Huzza! huzza!

TRYGAEUS

You will work my death if you don't subdue your shouts. War
will come running out and trample everything beneath his feet.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Well then! Let him confound, let him trample, let him overturn
everything! We cannot help giving vent to our joy.

TRYGAEUS

Oh! cruel fate! My friends! in the name of the gods, what possesses
you? Your dancing will wreck the success of a fine undertaking.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

It's not I who want to dance; it's my legs that bound with
delight.

TRYGAEUS

Enough, please, cease your gambols.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

There! That's all.

TRYGAEUS

You say so, and nevertheless you go on.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Yet one more figure and it's done.

TRYGAEUS

Well, just this one; then you must dance no more.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

No, no more dancing, if we can help you.

TRYGAEUS

But look, you are not stopping even now.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

By Zeus, I am only throwing up my right leg, that's all.

TRYGAEUS

Come, I grant you that, but pray, annoy me no further.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Ah! the left leg too will have its fling; well, that's its
right. I am so happy, so delighted at not having to carry my buckler any
more. I fart for joy and I laugh more than if I had cast my old age, as
a serpent does its skin.

TRYGAEUS

No, it's not time for joy yet, for you are not sure of success.
But when you have got the goddess, then rejoice, shout and laugh; thenceforward
you will be able to sail or stay at home, to make love or sleep, to attend
festivals and processions, to play at cottabos, live like true Sybarites
and to shout, Io, io!

CHORUS singing

Ah! God grant we may see the blessed day. I have suffered so much; have
so oft slept with Phormio on hard beds. You will no longer find me a bitter
and angry judge....

TRYGAEUS singing

Nor, naturally, hard in your ways, as heretofore.

CHORUS singing

....but turned indulgent and grown younger by twenty years through happiness.
We have been killing ourselves long enough, tiring ourselves out with going
to the Lyceum and returning laden with spear and buckler.-But what can
we do to please you? Come, speak; for 'tis a good Fate that has named you
our leader.

TRYGAEUS

How shall we set about removing these stones?

HERMES who has just returned

Rash reprobate, what do you propose doing?

TRYGAEUS

Nothing bad, as Cillicon said.

HERMES

You are undone, you wretch.

TRYGAEUS

Yes, if the lot had to decide my life, for Hermes would know
how to turn the chance.

HERMES

You are lost, you are dead.

TRYGAEUS

On what day?

HERMES

This instant.

TRYGAEUS

But I have not provided myself with flour and cheese yet to
start for death.

HERMES

You are kneaded and ground already, I tell you.

TRYGAEUS

Hah! I have not yet tasted that gentle pleasure.

HERMES

Don't you know that Zeus has decreed death for him who is caught
exhuming Peace?

TRYGAEUS

What! must I really and truly die?

HERMES

You must.

TRYGAEUS

Well then, lend me three drachmae to buy a young pig; I wish
to have myself initiated before I die.

HERMES

Oh! Zeus, the Thunderer!

TRYGAEUS

I adjure you in the name of the gods, master, don't report
us!

HERMES

I may not, I cannot keep silent.

TRYGAEUS

In the name of the meats which I brought you so good-naturedly.

HERMES

Why, wretched man, Zeus will annihilate me, if I do not shout
out at the top of my voice, to inform him what you are plotting.

TRYGAEUS

Oh, no! don't shout, I beg you, dear little Hermes.... And
what are you doing, comrades? You stand there as though you were stocks
and stones. Wretched men, speak, entreat him at once; otherwise he will
be shouting.

CHORUS singing

Oh! mighty Hermes! do not do it; no, do not do it! If ever you have eaten
some young pig, sacrificed by us on your altars, with pleasure, may this
offering not be without value in your sight to-day.

TRYGAEUS singing

Do you not hear them wheedling you, mighty god?

CHORUS singing

Be not pitiless toward our prayers; permit us to deliver the goddess. Oh!
the most human, the most generous of the gods, be favourable toward us,
if it be true that you detest the haughty crests and proud brows of Pisander;
we shall never cease, oh master, offering you sacred victims and solemn
prayers.

TRYGAEUS

Have mercy, mercy, yourself be touched by their words; never
was your worship so dear to them as to-day.

Aside

Really they are the greatest thieves that ever were.

To HERMES

And I shall reveal to you a great and terrible plot that is being hatched
against the gods.

HERMES

Hah! speak and perchance I shall let myself be softened.

TRYGAEUS

Know then, that the Moon and that infamous Sun are plotting
against you, and want to deliver Greece into the hands of the barbarians.

HERMES

What for?

TRYGAEUS

Because it is to you that we sacrifice, whereas the barbarians
worship them; hence they would like to see you destroyed, that they alone
might receive the offerings.

HERMES

Is it then for this reason that these untrustworthy charioteers
have for so long been defrauding us, one of them robbing us of daylight
and the other nibbling away at the other's disk?

TRYGAES

Yes, certainly. So therefore, Hermes, my friend, help us with
your whole heart to find and deliver the captive and we will celebrate
the great Panathenaea in your honour as well as all the festivals of the
other gods; for Hermes shall be the Mysteries. the Dipolia, the Adonia;
everywhere the towns, freed from their miseries, will sacrifice to Hermes
the Liberator; you will be loaded with benefits of every kind, and to start
with, I offer you this cup for libations as your first present.

HERMES

Ah! how golden cups do influence me! Come, friends. get to
work. To the pit quickly, pick in hand, and drag away the stones.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

We go, but you, cleverest of all the gods, supervise our labours;
tell us, good workman as you are, what we must do; we shall obey your orders
with alacrity.

They begin to lift the stones.

TRYGAEUS

Quick, reach me your cup, and let us preface our work by addressing
prayers to the gods.

HERMES

Libation! Libation! Silence! Let us offer our libations and
our prayers, so that this day may begin an era of unalloyed happiness for
Greece and that he who has bravely pulled at the rope with us may never
resume his buckler.

TRYGAEUS

Aye, may we pass our lives in peace, caressing our mistresses
and poking the fire.

HERMES

May he who would prefer the war, oh Dionysus....

TRYGAEUS

Be ever drawing barbed arrows out of his elbows.

HERMES

If there be a citizen, greedy for military rank and honours,
who refuses, oh, divine Peace! to restore you to daylight....

TRYGAEUS

May he behave as cowardly as Cleonymus on the battlefield.

HERMES

If a lance-maker or a dealer in shields desires war for the
sake of better trade....

TRYGAEUS

May he be taken by pirates and eat nothing but barley.

HERMES

If some ambitious man does not help us, because he wants to
become a General, or if a slave is plotting to pass over to the enemy....

TRYGAEUS

Let his limbs be broken on the wheel, may he be beaten to death
with rods!

HERMES

As for us, may Fortune favour us! Io! Paean, Io!

TRYGAEUS

Don't say Paean, but simply, Io.

HERMES

Very well, then! Io! Io! Io! I'll simply say, Io!

TRYGAEUS

To Hermes, the Graces, the Horae, Aphrodite, Eros!

HERMES

But not to Ares.

TRYGAEUS

No.

HERMES

Nor to Enyalius.

TRYGAEUS

No.

The stones have been removed and a rope attacked to the cover of the
pit. The indented portions of the following scene are a sort of
chanty.

HERMES

Come, all strain at the ropes to tear off the cover. Pull!

CHORUS

Heave away, heave, heave, oh!

HERMES

Come, pull harder, harder.

CHORUS

Heave away, heave, heave, oh!

HERMES

Still harder, harder still.

CHORUS

Heave away, heave! Heave away, heave, heave, oh!

TRYGAEUS

Come, come, there is no working together. Come! all pull at
the same instant! you Boeotians are only pretending. Beware!

HERMES

Come, heave away, heave!

TRYGAEUS

Heave away, heave oh!

CHORUS

Hi! you two pull as well.

TRYGAEUS

Why, I am pulling, I am hanging on to the rope and straining
till I am almost off my feet; I am working with all my might.

CHORUS

Why does not the work advance then?

TRYGAEUS

Lamachus, this is terrible! You are in the way, sitting there.
We have no use for your Medusa's head, friend. But wait, the Argives have
not pulled the least bit; they have done nothing but laugh at us for our
pains while they were getting gain with both hands.

HERMES

Ah! my dear sir, the Laconians at all events pull with vigour.

TRYGAEUS

But look! only those among them who generally hold the plough-tail
show any zeal, while the armourers impede them in their efforts.

HERMES

And the Megarians too are doing nothing, yet look how they
are pulling and showing their teeth like famished curs.

TRYGAEUS

The poor wretches are dying of hunger I suppose.

HERMES

This won't do, friends. Come! all together! Everyone to the
work and with a good heart for the business.

CHORUS

Heave away, heave!

HERMES

Harder!

CHORUS

Heave away, heave!

HERMES

Come on then, by heaven.

CHORUS

We are moving it a little.

TRYGAEUS

Isn't it terrible and stupid! some pull one way and others
another. You Argives there, beware of a thrashing!

HERMES

Come, put your strength into it.

TRYGAEUS

Heave away, heave!

CHORUS

There are many ill-disposed folk among us.

TRYGAEUS

Do you at least, who long for peace, pull heartily.

CHORUS

But there are some who prevent us.

HERMES

Off to the Devil with you, Megarians! The goddess hates you.
She recollects that you were the first to rub her the wrong way. Athenians,
you are not well placed for pulling. There you are too busy with law-suits;
if you really want to free the goddess, get down a little towards the sea.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Come, friends, none but husbandmen on the rope.

HERMES

Ah I that will do ever so much better.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

He says the thing is going well. Come, all of you, together
and with a will.

Oh! venerated goddess, who givest us our grapes, where am I
to find the ten-thousand-gallon words wherewith to greet thee? I have none
such at home. Oh! hail to thee, Opora, and thee, Theoria! How beautiful
is thy face! How sweet thy breath! What gentle fragrance comes from thy
bosom, gentle as freedom from military duty, as the most dainty perfumes!

HERMES

Is it then a smell like a soldier's knapsack?

TRYGAEUS

Oh! hateful soldier! your hideous satchel makes me sick! it
stinks like the belching of onions, whereas this lovable deity has the
odour of sweet fruits, of festivals, of the Dionysia, of the harmony of
flutes, of the tragic poets, of the verses of Sophocles, of the phrases
of Euripides....

HERMES

That's a foul calumny, you wretch! She detests that framer
of subtleties and quibbles.

TRYGAEUS ignoring this

....of ivy, of straining-bags for wine, of bleating ewes, of provision-laden
women hastening to the kitchen, of the tipsy servant wench, of the upturned
wine-jar, and of a whole heap of other good things.

HERMES

Then look how the reconciled towns chat pleasantly together,
how they laugh....

TRYGAEUS

And yet they are all cruelly mishandled; their wounds are bleeding
still.

HERMES

But let us also scan the mien of the spectators; we shall thus
find out the trade of each.

TRYGAEUS

Good god!

HERMES

Look at that poor crest-maker, tearing at his hair....

TRYGAEUS

....and at that pike-maker, who has just farted in yon sword-cutler's
face.

HERMES

And do you see with what pleasure this sickle-maker....

TRYGAEUS

....is thumbing his nose at the spear-maker?

HERMES

Now tell the husbandmen to be off.

TRYGAEUS

Listen, good folk! Let the husbandmen take their farming tools
and return to their fields as quickly as possible, but without either sword,
spear or javelin. All is as quiet as if Peace had been reigning for a century.
Come, let everyone go and till the earth, singing the Paean.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS to PEACE

Oh, thou, whom men of standing desired and who art good to husbandmen,
I have gazed upon thee with delight; and now I go to greet my vines, to
caress after so long an absence the fig trees I planted in my youth.

TRYGAEUS

Friends, let us first adore the goddess, who has delivered
us from crests and Gorgons; then let us hurry to our farms, having first
bought a nice little piece of salt fish to eat in the fields.

HERMES

By Posidon! what a fine crew they make and dense as the crust
of a cake; they are as nimble as guests on their way to a feast.

TRYGAEUS

See, how their iron spades glitter and how beautifully their
three-pronged mattocks glisten in the sun! How regularly they align the
plants! I also burn to go into the country and to turn over the earth I
have so long neglected.-Friends, do you remember the happy life that Peace
afforded us formerly; can you recall the splendid baskets of figs, both
fresh and dried, the myrtles, the sweet wine, the violets blooming near
the spring, and the olives, for which we have wept so much? Worship, adore
the goddess for restoring you so many blessings.

CHORUS singing

Hail! hail! thou beloved divinity! thy return overwhelms us with joy. When
far from thee, my ardent wish to see my fields again made me pine with
regret. From thee came all blessings. Oh! much desired Peace! thou art
the sole support of those who spend their lives tilling the earth. Under
thy rule we had a thousand delicious enjoyments at our beck; thou wert
the husbandman's wheaten cake and his safeguard. So that our vineyards,
our young fig-tree woods and all our plantations hail thee with delight
and smile at thy coming.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

But where was she then, I wonder, all the long time she spent
away from us? Hermes, thou benevolent god, tell us!

HERMES

Wise husbandmen, hearken to my words, if you want to know why
she was lost to you. The start of our misfortunes was the exile of Phidias;
Pericles feared he might share his in-luck, he mistrusted your peevish
nature and, to prevent all danger to himself, he threw out that little
spark, the Megarian decree, set the city aflame, and blew up the conflagration
with a hurricane of war, so that the smoke drew tears from all Greeks both
here and over there. At the very outset of this fire our vines were a-crackle,
our casks knocked together; it was beyond the power of any man to stop
the disaster, and Peace disappeared.

TRYGAEUS

That, by Apollo is what no one ever told me; I could not think
what connection there could be between Phidias and Peace.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Nor I, until now. This accounts for her beauty, if she is related
to him. There are so many things that escape us.

HERMES

Then, when the towns subject to you saw that you were angered
one against the other and were showing each other your teeth like dogs,
they hatched a thousand plots to pay you no more dues and gained over the
chief citizens of Sparta at the price of gold. They, being as shamelessly
greedy as they were faithless in diplomacy, chased off Peace with ignominy
to let loose War. Though this was profitable to them, it was the ruin of
the husbandmen, who were innocent of all blame; for, in revenge, your galleys
went out to devour their figs.

TRYGAEUS

And with justice too; did they not break down my black fig
tree, which I had planted and dunged with my own hands?

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Yes, by Zeus! yes, that was well done; the wretches broke a
chest for me with stones, which held six medimni of corn.

HERMES

Then the rural labourers flocked into the city and let themselves
be bought over like the others. Not having even a grape-stone to munch
and longing after their figs, they looked towards the demagogues. These
well knew that the poor were driven to extremity and lacked even bread;
but they nevertheless drove away the Goddess, each time she reappeared
in answer to the wish of the country, with their loud shrieks that were
as sharp as pitchforks; furthermore, they attacked the well-filled purses
of the richest among our allies on the pretence that they belonged to Brasidas'
party. And then you would tear the poor accused wretch to pieces with your
teeth; for the city, all pale with hunger and cowed with terror, gladly
snapped up any calumny that was thrown it to devour. So the strangers,
seeing what terrible blows the informers dealt, sealed their lips with
gold. They grew rich, while you, alas! you could only see that Greece was
going to ruin. It was the tanner who was the author of all this woe.

TRYGAEUS

Enough said, Hermes leave that man in Hades, whither he has
gone; be no longer belongs to us, but rather to you. That he was a cheat,
a braggart, a calumniator when alive, why, nothing could be truer; but
anything you might say now would be an insult to one of your own folk.

To PEACE

Oh! venerated Goddess! why art thou silent?

HERMES

And how could she speak to the spectators? She is too angry
at all that they have made her suffer.

TRYGAEUS

At least let her speak a little to you, Hermes.

HERMES

Tell me, my dear, what are your feelings with regard to them?
Come, you relentless foe of all bucklers, speak; I am listening to you.

PEACE whispers into HERMES' ear.

Is that your grievance against them? Yes, yes, I understand. Hearken, you
folk, this is her complaint. She says, that after the affair of Pylos she
came to you unbidden to bring you a basket full of truces and that you
thrice repulsed her by your votes in the assembly.

TRYGAEUS

Yes, we did wrong, but forgive us, for our mind was then entirely
absorbed in leather.

HERMES

Listen again to what she has just asked me. Who was her greatest
foe here? and furthermore, had she a friend who exerted himself to put
an end to the fighting?

TRYGAEUS

Her most devoted friend was Cleonymus; it is undisputed.

HERMES

How then did Cleonymus behave in fights?

TRYGAEUS

Oh! the bravest of warriors! Only he was not born of the father
he claims; he showed it quick enough in the army by throwing away his weapons.

HERMES

There is yet another question she has just put to me. Who rules
now in the rostrum?

TRYGAEUS

It's Hyperbolus who now holds empire on the Pnyx.

To PEACE

What now? you turn away your head!

HERMES

She is vexed, that the people should give themselves a wretch
of that kind for their chief.

TRYGAEUS

Oh! we shall not employ him again; but the people, seeing themselves
without a leader, took him haphazard, just as a man, who is naked, springs
upon the first cloak he sees.

HERMES

She asks, what will be the result of such a choice by the city?

TRYGAEUS

We shall be more far-seeing in consequence.

HERMES

And why?

TRYGAEUS

Because he is a lamp-maker. Formerly we only directed our busines
by groping in the dark; now we shall only deliberate by lamplight.

HERMES

Oh! oh! what questions she does order me to put to you!

TRYGAEUS

What are they?

HERMES

She wants to have news of a whole heap of old-fashioned things
she left here. First of all, how is Sophocles?

TRYGAEUS

Very well, but something very strange has happened to him.

HERMES

What then?

TRYGAEUS

He has turned from Sophocles into Simonides.

HERMES

Into Simonides? How so?

TRYGAEUS

Because, though old and broken-down as he is, he would put
to sea on a hurdle to gain an obolus.

HERMES

And wise Cratinus, is he still alive?

TRYGAEUS

He died about the time of the Laconian invasion.

HERMES

How?

TRYGAEUS

Of a swoon. He could not bear the shock of seeing one of his
casks full of wine broken. Ah! what a number of other misfortunes our city
has suffered! So, dearest mistress, nothing can now separate us from thee.

HERMES

If that be so, receive Opora here for a wife; take her to the
country, live with her, and grow fine grapes together.

TRYGAEUS to OPORA

Come, my dear one, come and accept my kisses.

To HERMES

Tell me, Hermes, my master, do you think it would hurt me to love her a
little, after so long an abstinence?

HERMES

No, not if you swallow a potion of penny-royal afterwards.
But hasten to lead Theoria to the Senate; that was where she lodged before.

TRYGAEUS

Oh! fortunate Senate! Thanks to Theoria, what soups you will
swallow for the space of three days! how you will devour meats and cooked
tripe! Come, farewell, friend Hermes!

HERMES

And to you also, my dear sir, may you have much happiness,
and don't forget me.

TRYGAEUS looking around for his dung-beetle

Come, beetle, home, home, and let us fly on a swift wing.

HERMES

Oh! he is no longer here.

TRYGAEUS

Where has he gone to then?

HERMES

He is 'harnessed to the chariot of Zeus and bears the thunderbolts.'

TRYGAEUS

But where will the poor wretch get his food?

HERMES

He will eat Ganymede's ambrosia.

TRYGAEUS

Very well then, but how am I going to descend?

HERMES

Oh! never fear, there is nothing simpler; place yourself beside
the goddess.

TRYGAEUS

Come, my pretty maidens, follow me quickly; there are plenty
of men waiting for you with their tools ready.

He goes out, with OPORA and THEORIA.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS

Farewell and good luck be yours! Let us begin by handing over
all this gear to the care of our servants, for no place is less safe than
a theatre; there is always a crowd of thieves prowling around it, seeking
to find some mischief to do. Come, keep a good watch over all this. As
for ourselves, let us explain to the spectators what we have in our minds,
the purpose of our play.

The CHORUS turns and faces the audience.

Undoubtedly the comic poet who mounted the stage to praise himself in the
parabasis would deserve to be handed over to the sticks or the beadles.
Nevertheless, oh Muse, if it be right to esteem the most honest and illustrious
of our comic writers at his proper value, permit our poet to say that he
thinks he has deserved a glorious renown. First of all, he is the one who
has compelled his rivals no longer to scoff at rags or to war with lice;
and as for those Heracleses, always chewing and ever hungry, he was the
first to cover them with ridicule and to chase them from the stage; he
has also dismissed that slave, whom one never failed to set weeping before
you, so that his comrade might have the chance of jeering at his stripes
and might ask, "Wretch, what has happened to your hide? Has the lash rained
an army of its thongs on you and laid your back waste?" After having delivered
us from all these wearisome ineptitudes and these low buffooneries, he
has built up for us a great art, like a palace with high towers, constructed
of fine phrases, great thoughts and of jokes not common on the streets.
Moreover it's not obscure private persons or women that he stages in his
comedies; but, bold as Heracles, it's the very greatest whom he attacks,
undeterred by the fetid stink of leather or the threats of hearts of mud.
He has the right to say, "I am the first ever dared to go straight for
that beast with the sharp teeth and the terrible eyes that flashed lambent
fire like those of Cynna, surrounded by a hundred lewd flatterers, who
spittle-licked him to his heart's content; it had a voice like a roaring
torrent, the stench of a seal, the unwashed balls of a Lamia and the arse
of a camel. I did not recoil in horror at the sight of such a monster,
but fought him relentlessly to win your deliverance and that of the islanders."
Such are the services which should be graven in your recollection and entitle
me to your thanks. Yet I have not been seen frequenting the wrestling school
intoxicated with success and trying to seduce young boys; but I took all
my theatrical gear and returned straight home. I pained folk but little
and caused them much amusement; my conscience rebuked me for nothing.

More and more rapidly from here on

Hence both grown men and youths should be on my side and I likewise invite
the bald to give me their votes; for, if I triumph, everyone will say,
both at table and at festivals, "Carry this to the bald man, give these
cakes to the bald one, do not grudge the poet whose talent shines as bright
as his own bare skull the share he deserves."

FIRST SEMI-CHORUS singing

Oh, Muse! drive the war far from our city and come to preside over our
dances, if you love me; come and celebrate the nuptials of the gods, the
banquets of us mortals and the festivals of the fortunate; these are the
themes that inspire thy most poetic songs. And should Carcinus come to
beg thee for admission with his sons to thy chorus, refuse all traffic
with them; remember they are but gelded birds, stork-necked dancers, mannikins
about as tall as a goat's turd, in fact machine-made poets. Contrary to
all expectation, the father has at last managed to finish a piece, but
he admits that a cat strangled it one fine evening.

SECOND SEMI-CHORUS singing

Such are the songs with which the Muse with the glorious hair inspires
the able poet and which enchant the assembled populace, when the spring
swallow twitters beneath the foliage; but the god spare us from the chorus
of Morsimus and that of Melanthius! Oh! what a bitter discordancy grated
upon my ears that day when the tragic chorus was directed by this same
Melanthius and his brother, these two Gorgons, these two Harpies, the plague
of the seas, whose gluttonous bellies devour the entire race of fishes,
these followers of old women, these goats with their stinking arm-pits.
Oh! Muse, spit upon them abundantly and keep the feast gaily with me.

TRYGAEUS enters, limping painfully, accompanied by OPORA and
THEORIA.

TRYGAEUS

Ah! it's a rough job getting to the gods! my legs are as good
as broken through it.

To the audience

How small you were, to be sure, when seen from heaven! you had all the
appearance too of being great rascals; but seen close, you look even worse.

SERVANT coming out of TRYGAEUS' house

Is that you, master?

TRYGAEUS

So I've been told.

SERVANT

What has happened to you?

TRYGAEUS

My legs pain me; it was such a damned long journey.

SERVANT

Oh! tell me....

TRYGAEUS

What?

SERVANT

Did you see any other man besides yourself strolling about
in heaven;

TRYGAEUS

No, only the souls of two or three dithyrambic poets.

SERVANT

What were they doing up there?

TRYGAEUS

They were seeking to catch some lyric exordia as they flew
by immersed in the billows of the air.

SERVANT

Is it true, what they tell us, that men are turned into stars
after death?

TRYGAEUS

Quite true.

SERVANT

Then what star has Ion of Chios turned into?

TRYGAEUS

The Morning Star, the one he wrote a poem about; as soon as
he got up there, everyone called him the Morning Star.

SERVANT

And those stars like sparks, that plough up the air as they
dart across the sky.

TRYGAEUS

They are the rich leaving the feast with a lantern and a light
inside it.-But hurry up, show this young girl into my house,

pointing to OPORA

clean out the bath, heat some water and prepare the nuptial couch for herself
and me. When that's done, come back here; meanwhile I am off to present
this other one to the Senate.

SERVANT

But where then did you get these girls?

TRYGAEUS

Where? why in heaven.

SERVANT

I would not give more than an obolus for gods who have got
to keeping brothels like us mere mortals.

TRYGAEUS

They are not all like that, but there are some up there too
who live by this trade.

SERVANT

Come, that's rich! But tell me, shall I give her something
to eat?

TRYGAEUS

No, for she would touch neither bread nor cake; she is used
to licking ambrosia at the table of the gods.

SERVANT

Well, we can give her something to lick down here too.

He takes OPORA into the house.

CHORUS singing

Here is a truly happy old man, as far as I can judge.

TRYGAEUS singing

Ah! but what shall I be, when you see me presently dressed for the wedding?

CHORUS singing

Made young again by love and scented with perfumes, your lot will be one
we all shall envy.

TRYGAEUS singing

And when I lie beside her and fondle her breasts?

CHORUS singing

Oh! then you will be happier than those spinning-tops who call Carcinus
their father.

TRYGAEUS singing

And I well deserve it; have I not bestridden a beetle to save the Greeks,
who now, thanks to me, can make love at their ease and sleep peacefully
on their farms?

SERVANT returning from the house

The girl has quitted the bath; she is charming from head to foot, belly
and buttocks too; the cake is baked and they are kneading the sesame-biscuit;
nothing is lacking but the bridegroom's tool.

TRYGAEUS

Let us first hasten to lodge Theoria in the hands of the Senate.

SERVANT

Tell me, who is this woman?

TRYGAEUS

Why, it's Theoria, with whom we used formerly to go to Brauron,
to get tipsy and frolic-I had the greatest trouble to get hold of her.

SERVANT

Ah! you charmer! what pleasure your pretty bottom will afford
me every four years!

TRYGAEUS to the audience

Let's see, which one of you is steady enough to be trusted by the Senate
with the care of this charming wench?

to the SERVANT

Hi! you, friend! what are you drawing there?

SERVANT who has been making signs in the air

It's er.... well, at the Isthmian Games I shall have a tent for my tool.

TRYGAEUS to the audience

Come, who wishes to take the charge of her? No one? Come, Theoria, I am
going to lead you into the midst of the spectators and confide you to their
care.

SERVANT

Ah! there is one who makes a sign to you.

TRYGAEUS

Who is it?

SERVANT

It's Ariphrades. He wishes to take her home at once.

TRYGAEUS

No, he must not. He would soon have her done for, absorbing
all her life-force. Come, Theoria, take off all these clothes.

THEORIA undresses. As soon as she is nude, TRYGAEUS conducts her to
the front row of seats, where the SENATORS sit.

Senate, Prytanes, gaze upon Theoria and see what precious blessings I place
in your hands. Hasten to raise its limbs and to immolate the victim. And
look at this chimney.

SERVANT

God, what a beautiful one! It's black with smoke because the
Senate used to do its cooking there before the war.

TRYGAEUS

Now that you have found Theoria again, you can start the most
charming games from to-morrow, wrestling with her on the ground, on all
fours, or you can lay her on her side, or stand before her with bent knees,
or, well rubbed with oil, you can boldly enter the lists, as in the Pancratium,
belabouring your foe with blows from your fist or something else. The next
day you will celebrate equestrian games, in which the riders will ride
side by side, or else the chariot teams, thrown one on top of another,
panting and whinnying, will roll and knock against each other on the ground,
while other rivals, thrown out of their seats, will fall before reaching
the goal, utterly exhausted by their efforts.-Come, Prytanes, take Theoria.
Oh! look-how graciously yonder fellow has received her; you would not have
been in such a hurry to introduce her to the Senate, if nothing were coming
to you through it; you would not have failed to plead some holiday as an
excuse.

CHORUS singing

Such a man as you assures the happiness of all his fellow-citizens.

TRYGAEUS singing

When you are gathering your vintages you will prize me even better.

CHORUS singing

E'en from to-day we hail you as the deliverer of mankind.

TRYGAEUS singing

Wait until you have drunk a beaker of new wine, before you appraise my
true merits.

CHORUS singing

Excepting the gods, there is none greater than yourself, and that will
ever be our opinion.

TRYGAEUS singing

Yea, Trygaeus of Athmonia has deserved well of you, he has freed both husbandman
and craftsman from the most cruel ills; he has vanquished Hyberbolus.

SERVANT

Well then, what must be done now?

TRYGAEUS

You must offer pots of green-stuff to the goddess to consecrate
her altars.

SERVANT

Pots of green-stuff as we do to poor Hermes-and even he thinks
the fare pretty mean?

TRYGAEUS

What will you offer them? A fatted bull?

SERVANT

Oh no! I don't want to start bellowing the battle-cry.

TRYGAEUS

A great fat swine then?

SERVANT

No, no.

TRYGAEUS

Why not?

SERVANT

We don't want any of the swinishness of Theagenes.

TRYGAEUS

What other victim do you prefer then?

SERVANT

A sheep.

TRYGAEUS

A sheep?

SERVANT

Yes.

TRYGAEUS

But that's the Ionic form of the word.

SERVANT

Purposely. So that if anyone in the assembly says, "We must
go to war," all may start bleating in alarm, "Oi, oi."

TRYGAEUS

A brilliant idea.

SERVANT

And we shall all be lambs one toward the other, yes, and milder
still toward the allies.

TRYGAEUS

Then go for the sheep and haste to bring it back with you;
I will prepare the altar for the sacrifice.

They both leave.

CHORUS singing

How everything succeeds to our wish, when the gods are willing and Fortune
favours us! how opportunely everything falls out.

TRYGAEUS returning

Nothing could be truer, for look! here stands the altar all ready at my
door.

He enters his house.

CHORUS singing

Hurry, hurry, for the winds are fickle; make haste, while the divine will
is set on stopping this cruel war and is showering on us the most striking
benefits.

TRYCAEUS returning

Here is the basket of barley-seed mingled with salt, the chaplet and the
sacred knife; and there is the fire; so we are only waiting for the sheep.

CHORUS singing

Hasten, hasten, for, if Chaeris sees you, he will come without bidding,
he and his flute; and when you see him puffing and panting and out of breath,
you will have to give him something.

TRYGAEUS to the SERVANT who has returned with a sheep and a vase of
water

Come, seize the basket and take the lustral water and hurry to circle round
the altar to the right.

SERVANT

There! that's done. What is your next bidding?

TRYGAEUS

Wait. I take this fire-brand first and plunge it into the water.
Now quick, quick, you sprinkle the altar. Give me some barley-seed, purify
yourself and hand me the basin; then scatter the rest of the barley among
the audience.

SERVANT

Done.

TRYGAEUS

You have thrown it?

SERVANT

Yes, by Hermes! and all the spectators have had their share.

TRYGAEUS

At least the women got none.

SERVANT

Oh! their husbands will give them some this evening.

TRYGAEUS

Let us pray! Who is here? Are there any good men?

SERVANT

Come, give me the water, so that I may sprinkle these people.
Faith! they are indeed good, brave men.

He throws the lustral water on hem.

TRYGAEUS

You believe so?

SERVANT

I am sure, and the proof of it is that we have flooded them
with lustral water and they have not budged an inch.

TRYGAEUS

Let us pray, then, as soon as we can.

SERVANT

Yes, let us pray.

TRYGAEUS

Oh! Peace, mighty queen, venerated goddess, thou, who presidest
over choruses and at nuptials, deign to accept the sacrifices we offer
thee.

SERVANT

Receive it, greatly honoured mistress, and behave not like
the courtesans, who half open the door to entice the gallants, draw back
when they are stared at, to return once more if a man passes on. But do
not thou act like this to us.

TRYGAEUS

No, but like an honest woman, show thyself to thy worshippers,
who are worn with regretting thee all these thirteen years. Hush the noise
of battle, be a true Lysimacha to us. Put an end to this tittle-tattle,
to this idle babble, that set us defying one another. Cause the Greeks
once more to taste the pleasant beverage of friendship and temper all hearts
with the gentle feeling of forgiveness. Make excellent commodities flow
to our markets, fine heads of garlic, early cucumbers, apples, pomegranates
and nice little cloaks for the slaves; make them bring geese, ducks, pigeons
and larks from Boeotia and baskets of eels from Lake Copais; we shall all
rush to buy them, disputing their possession with Morychus, Teleas, Glaucetes
and every other glutton. Melanthius will arrive on the market last of all;
they'll say, "no more eels, all sold!" and then he'll start groaning and
exclaiming as in his monologue of Medea, "I am dying, I am dying! Alas!
I have let those hidden in the beet escape me!" And won't we laugh? These
are the wishes, mighty goddess, which we pray thee to grant.

To the SERVANT

Take the knife and slaughter the sheep like a finished cook.

SERVANT

No, the goddess does not wish it.

TRYGAEUS

And why not?

SERVANT

Blood cannot please Peace, so let us spill none upon her altar.

TRYGAEUS

Then go and sacrifice the sheep in the house, cut off the legs
and bring them here; thus the carcase will be saved for the Choregus.

The SERVANT goes into the house with the sheep.

CHORUS singing

You, who remain here, get chopped wood and everything needed for the sacrifice
ready.