Unhorribling Online Dating

I’ve been single for about six months, and I’ve been on a couple of things that one might call dates. They have not gone particularly well, but that is a story for another day. I’ve been using a couple bullshit iPhone apps which make the process feel a little like Mitt Romney’s fabled “binders full of women,” but they never seem to end anywhere.

Lately, I have been trying a particular site which looks interesting, but really is probably terrible. Anyway, I saw a particular woman’s profile on there, and she seemed really interesting, including her mention that she “rescued spiders.” I wrote her the following introductory message.

Hey -

I was checking out your profile, and I noticed that you have a soft-spot for spiders. I guess that’s why we didn’t get closer to a 100% match than the A- 93%.

Since I can remember, I’ve been terrified of giant spiders - little, extant ones, they don’t bug me. Giant ones, like in Lord of the Rings, or the Harry Potter movies, they scare the hell out of me. I’m pretty sure that the fact that one of those was living in our basement was a contributing factor to the demise of my last relationship. My ex, she WOULD. NOT. BELIEVE. ME that there was a giant spider down there.

“There is no such thing,” she would say. Well there isn’t until it fucking grabs me when I’m in the pantry trying to get a bag of arborio rice of something. I mean, who can blame me for feeling a bit indignant about that? I could have been killed. And eaten. Or eaten, and then killed.

So, while we’re talking giant spiders, I need your opinion. Grammatically, the title of the movie “Eight Legged Freaks” indicates that there are eight freaks with legs, right? If it were the spiders which were the freaks, it should have been “Eight-Legged Freaks,” right?

Alright, sorry about the digression. I guess your profile just dredged up some deep-seated issues from my childhood or something. Please allow me to overshare, I should have said.

I’m just a normal guy (glossing over the whole spider thing), who’s, since his breakup 6 months ago, working to reinvent himself. New diet, bullet journal, 3-6 mile run every day, mindful, thinking about learning yoga. That kind of stuff.

You should imagine this message, but as though I left it on your answering machine (a la Jon Favreau in Swingers). Then, once you stop laughing, you should message me back and we can figure out if this whole 93% match thing should be given any credence.

Cheers,
-dave

I have not heard from her.

P.s.: I imagine it is horrible to be a woman on an online dating site, what with all the slack-jawed troglodytes messaging you. I’m trying for humor. Finally, if you happen to know, or be, the ex- in question, I acknowledge that I took some literary license.