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May 25, 2017

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So, you’ve graduated from college with a degree. That’s great! Now, the responsible thing to do would be to start paying your considerable student loans. Especially if you’ve been able to land a job now that you’ve finished school. So you could do that. And you totally should. OR you could…

1. Try every hamburger. There are lots of places out there that advertise “the #1 Burger”. You could try every single one of them and decide who wins. And you could try every variety of toppings. Not as important as paying off your student loans, but you put in a lot of hard work while you were at school so maybe you deserve to eat a lot of hamburgers. Also it arguably is just as important.

2. Buy hundreds of thousands of balloons and set them all free.

3. Take all your money and trade it in for pennies at the bank. Then dive into them Scrooge McDuck style.

4. Invent the next slang. This doesn’t cost any money, but will take up lots of time that many other people would spend working to save up for those student loan payments. Lit, cool, groovy, they all started somewhere. Someone said them first. Start saying a bunch of weird shit to see if any of it sticks.

5. Get 103 dalmatians. As far as I know, this will be a world record.

6. The next time you get into a really heated argument over a HOT TAKE you have, pay the other person twenty thousand dollars to say that you’re right.

7. Purchase the domain name internet.com. (only works if you have 18 million dollars)

8. Frame yourself for murder. Defend yourself and handle all the fees. Make sure you leave a hole in the case against you that you can expose (example: the victims are alive and well). Then you’ll get to make one of those great courtroom speeches like in the movies!

9. Take voice lessons.Learn the lyrics to every Elton John song and sing parody versions on your front porch that are all about fish. Examples:

“Hold me closer tiny fishhh, count the headlights on the fishway”

“And you can tell everybody, this is your fish, it may seem quite simple but, now that’s it’s fish”

“And I would have liked to have known you but I was just a fish”

Etc. If people stop and try to give you money, don’t accept it. This is purely for the art.

10. Open up a bar called “Rounds on the House”, where all rounds are always on the house. You won’t make any money, but it will be everybody’s favorite bar.

11. Sail around the world. Even if you’ve never sailed before, you can learn as you go.

12. Film a documentary about FAFSA’s attempts to get you to pay off your student loans.

13. Purchase a large building in midtown New York City. Choose a good friend of yours and have that person’s name displayed prominently on the front of the building. Make it in a location you know they pass by every day. When they first bring it up to you, say you’re sure it’s just a coincidence, I mean people share the same names, right? But then, after a few weeks, add a chiseled picture of your friend on the building underneath their name. Pour more and more money into it, renovations, extensions, etc. Start buying ads on benches, subway platforms, the works. In none of these do you mention what the business is or what they do. Swear to your friend that you have no idea why a seemingly thriving business has apparently named their building after them. Then, after years, write an article for the New York Times, under another name, about the business closing. Quote the company as being grateful for their decades of service to the community and they owe it all to your friend. Show them the article and share their bewilderment. Tell them, it’s “just one of those things”.

14. Buy a really expensive car and blow it up like Walt did in Breaking Bad.