Ask Matt: Coming Out When People Don’t Have a Clue

A reader writes: “I have a hard time coming out as trans to people. I would rather be called by female pronouns and the wrong name than deal with the awkwardness of the conversation and all of the explanations I’m afraid I’m going to have to make.

“Part of the problem is that I have no idea how to bring up the topic. I mean… It seems like it would be a little awkward to blurt out ‘Oh, by the way, I’m trans. Please call me ______ and he from now on.’ But that’s the only thing I can think of to do.

“So I guess my question is how do you come out to someone? And in particular, how do you come out to people who might have no idea that trans people even exist? (I am part of a guild that is attended by ladies in their forties through nineties who usually grew up on farms, and I have no idea how to explain it to them.)”

Many people think of “coming out” for a trans person as coming out after transition to people who know you only as your “transitioned” self. But that is only one type of coming out, and coming out prior to, or in the early stages of, transition to those who only know you as your assigned birth sex is another type of coming out, and it has its own difficulties.

It is particularly difficult to come out to those who have no idea what “transgender” or “transsexual” mean. There are many non-trans people who equate “transsexual” with “drag queen” or “a man in a dress,” and that’s about as far as their “knowledge” extends. There are others who don’t even have that (utterly incorrect) framework, and the word does not even conjure up a picture in their head.

But farmers and small-town residents often get a bad rap. The women you speak of might be more savvy than you think – when I went to my 30-year class reunion in a very small (population 12,000) Iowa town that still has a very rural reputation and a lot of farmers in and around the area, I was completely accepted by my classmates, even those who had remained in the town. They were adults, they were knowledgeable about the world, and they were quite open-minded. That doesn’t mean that everyone will be – but give them a chance.

I agree that saying, “Oh, by the way, I’m trans. Please call me ______ and he from now on,” is a little blunt, particularly for those who might not have any understanding of this, or even a vague idea of what you’re talking about. It’s going to mean nothing to them. So I think you have to ease into this, giving them an opportunity to understand this as you go.

I have some thoughts, and I know that readers will have more, so be sure to check the comments section. In all cases, my personal opinion is that if you act like this is a tragedy, it will be perceived as one, and if you act like it is a fantastic thing that you will finally be able to align your body and your gender identity, it will, for the most part, be perceived as a fantastic thing for you. You have to decide how you want this to be perceived by others.

Given that, here are some ideas:

>Although I really hate the fact that I even have a “diagnosis,” and I would prefer it if we didn’t need one, but the fact is that, if we are transitioning, we usually do have one, and it can be handy as a fallback position when starting from square one with people.

You can sit down with the women in your guild (or with anyone else) and say, “I need to let you know that I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. What that means is that my gender identity is not in alignment with my physical body (or however you want to describe it). The treatment for this, for many people, is to transition, and that is what I am doing. What that means is …” and then you describe what that means for you – physical changes that will be taking place over the next few months, name change, pronoun change, and so on.

How much detail you give is up to you. They will be concerned. They will ask questions. You can answer the questions you want to answer, and if you want to be gentle about not answering certain questions (such as surgery plans), you can just say, “I don’t know yet. I’m taking one thing at a time.”

>If you don’t like the “diagnosis” aspect, you can take it from a slightly different angle. My memory may be completely off on this, and I hope someone will clue me in as to the exact wording, but I believe that in the film You Don’t Know Dick, James Green said something like, “I have been told by my doctor that I am a candidate for sex reassignment (or gender reassignment or gender confirmation or transition – forgive me, James, I can’t remember the wording). Because of that, I will be doing this and this and this.”

Again, this is a complete paraphrase, but I believe that he said “I am a candidate for …” I really like that, although it could be confusing for some people (I think he was saying this to an employer). But the general idea is there, regardless of what words you decide to use. “I am a candidate for …” could be replaced with “My doctor has determined that I need to …” or “I will be undergoing medical treatment for …” or whatever is most comfortable for you.

> Books are great for explaining and demonstrating, and although you can’t carry a book around with you everywhere you go (unless you always carry a backpack), it can be very useful for specifically planned coming-out times. I still champion Loren Cameron‘s Body Alchemy: Transsexual Portraits, because it gives a visual representation of what you are talking about. I brought this book to work with me when I started coming out there.

Because the book also has some photos of chest and genital surgery, if you don’t want to go there, you could remain in control of the book and just show the photographs, including the before-and-after photos, to help give the women at the guild, or anyone else, an idea of what to expect with regard to your physical appearance.

>For situations where you are unable to “set the stage” or plan for a long discussion, such as when you run into someone on the street, you can say, “A lot has changed since we last saw each other. I’m going through transition from female to male (or however you want to describe it). My name is _______ now and I use the pronoun ‘he.’ I know that’s going to be hard for you to remember at first, so forgive me when I correct you from now on.”

Other things I would advise you to remember:

>Use humor when possible and appropriate – it relaxes people and makes them more comfortable.

> Even the most supportive people will make mistakes. The name will come first, and the pronoun will come later. Many people will use your correct (male) name along with female pronouns for a time. You will be able to tell the difference between a slip-up and intentional disrespect.

> Don’t enter any situation with a preconceived idea of how people will respond. They will almost always surprise you. Those who you think will be the most negative, the most freaked-out, or the most confused will often be the most understanding and supportive. Age, occupation, religion, political affiliation, and geographic location are not always good predictors of how a person will respond.

>Again, how you present this to others is generally how other will perceive it. If you want others to see it as a bad or sad thing (to generate sympathy), present it that way. If you want others to see it as a good, positive, or reaffirming thing, present it that way, and they will often feel happy for you.

You also might want to check out my Coming Out FAQ. Good luck – and check below for reader input! Readers?

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7 Responses

One of the many mistakes which I made in the early days of my transition was being far too defensive, guarded, on edge, uptight seemingly “looking” for adverse, negative responses. Once I relaxed and truly became more self assured, confident in living my truth openly and honestly, not only did I feel better but I think others felt more at ease as I was somehow giving them permission to be honest, themselves, make errors in my name or pronouns. Perhaps I am wrong in my perception, but I really do not think so. Now, 5+ years post transition very few remember who John even was, and very very rarely does anyone ever get the pronouns wrong.

One advice I’ll give is to be clear from the start about the questions: if you are willing to answer them, all of them, some of them, none of them…they have to know that, and respect it. Personally I encourage questions unless they are too intimate (a guy asked me if I “self-pleasured myself like all the other girls” =_= ), but you might be unhappy with answering potentially awkward ones. Any choice is totally legitimate and has its benefits, in my case it simply doesn’t bother me.

There are several ways to explain your situation; one of them is from a scientific POV using evidence and scientific studies (http://aebrain.blogspot.com/p/reference-works-on-transsexual-and.html), which is the way I did with a friend of mine.
Another one is from a spiritual POV, like “my body is female but my spirit/soul is male”, which I used another time.
Then there is the old cliché, “I am a man trapped in a woman’s body”, or you can go a route similar to the scientific one and to the one suggested by Matt and explain it like you would explain another medical condition, either a mental or a physical one, etc…

Basically, you should use the one you think would be the most effective with different people and that feels most right to you; of course if someone is an atheist he/she/hir might understand a scientific explanation better than a spiritual one, as for an example.

Don’t expect “too much too soon”, but also don’t let yourself get disrespected.
Read this: http://www.derailingfordummies.com/ and remember it, so that you won’t be fooled by these tricks.

PS:”Don’t enter any situation with a preconceived idea of how people will respond.”

Not always true. I’ve learned to expect the worst from others when I come out (I usually do it by letter (or by post online) and then face them afterwards) so I’m ready to “fight” if they end up being hostile and I’m pleasantly surprised if they accept me.

I live in a rural area & come out to lots of people. I did this before I started my physical transformation, during, and after. Now I think it’s really amusing that people don’t believe that I used to be able to sing high soprano when I can now sing bass.
One of the things that I’ve found very helpful in telling people is wearing a pin or hat or something that denotes you as trans or queer or whatever. I got a “FTM” pin at the Trans Ohio Symposium last year. A number of people don’t know what it means & will ask me about it. One of my friends asked me what it meant, so I asked her what she thought it meant. She replied, “Friends of Trans Men.”
I will say this that the more times you come out to people, the easier it gets. The first 20 times or so I did it, I was terrified each time, but not anymore. The important thing is to be relaxed & be positive about it.

You’d be surprised at how many people are more aware than you think, particularly after Chaz Bono was on Oprah.

It can help to reference someone “famous” that people would be aware of who is trans, whether you agree or disagree with that person’s viewpoint or are planning the same steps of transition. It’s an ice breaker for sure, and it’s easier to work from what they know and then modify how you are the same or different than to not try to draw upon anything they may have read or seen.

I came out to my friends with the question, “Do you know what transgender is?” . . . and then took it from there, depending on their responses. I like the idea of referencing someone well-known too. If the parties in question are of an older generation, they may be more familiar with Renee Richards or Christine Jorgensen than Chaz Bono, but whatever works. As others have said, you really never know how people will respond – the ones you think won’t get it, might be very supportive and the ones you think will be cool, might end the friendship. So assume nothing and be ready for anything. It’s also true that people will take their cues from you, so if you’re positive about it, they will be too. Good luck!

I have never used the words transsexual or transgender when coming out to anyone. Never had to. I prefer it that way.

My most used phrase to people I need to inform for various reasons is “Just to avoid confusion and mix ups, I should inform you that as I am undergoing gender correction treatment, I have changed my name to Andrew.” – and then take any questions from there. The most common reaction has been along the lines of “Really? So.. Huh.. Ok.” as their eyes glaze over, then a light switch is turned on, they get it, and carry on as usual. Sometimes I have to add “what is commonly known as a sex-change” before they catch on.

At my workplace I said pretty much the same, that I’m undergoing this treatment, changing my name – and of course male pronouns will go better with that name (bit of a joke then and there to keep it light :p ). The questions I got (privately afterwards) were mostly about how long I had wanted to do this. Some were concerned I might be upset if they slipped up, but I assured them I wouldn’t be, as I was sure they would need time to adjust. A year later I still hear the odd “she” now and then, but noone makes a fuss about it and they get it right the next time.

Also, whenever I tell someone, no matter how nervous I may be about it, I tend to be neutral but with the a “this is how it is and I’m assuming you will deal with it”-attitude.

I’ve ben coming out to folks little by little as something comes up. Usually when someone calls me by my birth name or calls me ma’am or a lady, I will correct them and say that I’m not a lady and that I am a male in a female body. Some have questions and some do not. I do tell them that if there’s anything they want to know, I’m open to their questions. So far, everyone I have come out to has said that they aren’t surprised at all at the news because I have always presented as male or masculine as long as they’ve known me.

As I’m early transition, I still look female and get misgendered all the time. This does frustrate the hell out of me but I don’t get angry at anyone because they need to learn about transgender and transsexual. I have to do the same with my blindness because I can still see a little – now that’s confusing to folks more than my gender identity!

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