Make It Stop: The Worst of the Week of 03.22.13

Time once more for Make It Stop, in which we count down the five things this week that must stop.

1. Rape. There is nothing good to be taken away from the Steubenville rape case. Nothing. All of it is horrible, from the crime itself to the despicable video of it to the ass backward football town (OHIO!) fronting for its boys to the CNN’s astonishingly tone-deaf coverage of the verdict... it’s a crime that has made bad people worse and made smart people stupid. It’s just another awful reminder that rape is EVERYWHERE. A Steubenville happens virtually every day in this country. The miracle of Steubenville is that the rapists were actually brought to justice, because that’s rarely the case.

I have a kid and I worry constantly about her being victimized by rape. Everything is sunshine and rainbows now that she’s in elementary school. But soon high school will arrive, and with it packs of dumbfuck teenage boys who don’t know how to keep their boners in check, and all it takes is a few drinks and unfavorable sociological circumstances and suddenly your kid is vulnerable to a crime that will destroy them and you forever. The fact that there are people out there who are still willing to seek out grey areas for rape or protect those who perpetrate it makes it all the more unbearable. Really, Steubenville? REALLY? Those two shitheads are worth defending? Fuck you. Teach your kids what rape is and tell them not to fucking do it. Turning the assailants into martyrs (O NOES! THEY HAZ TO REGISTER NOW!) only emboldens other scumbags trying to justify their own lecherous behavior. I hate this.

2. Liberals ragging on Rob Portman for turning in favor of gay marriage. The guy decided he couldn’t be against gay marriage anymore because his own son was gay, and for that, he got raked over the coals by liberal people who find it repugnant that he was so late to the cause and only switched sides when he had a personal investment in it. These people are idiots. Do you want him to lash himself publicly for taking the wrong stand all these years? Of course it took a personal relationship to change his mind. That’s how many political opinions are changed. And when they change in that way, they STAY changed. It’s a fundamental shift in your worldview. And if Portman is switching sides merely because it’s politically expedient, then all the better! Remember when championing gay marriage meant you lost at the polls? That was, like, three years ago! Holy shit, that’s a remarkable change.

Activists should be happy that they’re winning over hearts and minds, and doing so at an almost unfathomably high rate. To bitch out Portman’s stance is to degrade the progress of the gay marriage movement. You’re basically saying to people, "Thanks for nothing, you cock." A massive civil rights cause like this takes time. It takes patience. It doesn’t exactly thrive when you’re a complete ass to everyone who comes over to your side. Be fucking happy and continue moving forward instead of trying to force Rob Portman to eat a bag of shit for not coming around quickly enough for your liking.

Want to accuse him of moral cowardice for being against gays for so long? I get it. He was a coward. But to welcome him to the cause with venom lets other holdouts know that there will be nothing in the way of forgiveness if they change their stance. That’s the wrong way to champion a cause.

3. The fact that everyone else is caught up on Game of Thrones except you. God, it’s terrible, isn’t it? Ten million other people know exactly what’s going on in Westeros and you haven’t even started season one yet. I feel so lonely. So painfully unhip. I have no idea what it means that Daenerys has hatched her dragons. I’ll never catch up, at least not in time to enjoy GoT-mania at its peak. I blame my children.

4. The NCAA’s tourney web feed freezing on you. What good is miraculous technology if I end up being six seconds behind the rest of the world when watching an 11-seed play a 6-seed? WORK, DAMMIT.

5. Formally announcing your relationship on Facebook. It’s like a press release for a new soft drink. "Tiger and Lindsey, now with 30% fewer calories!"

Drew Magary is a GQ correspondent and a staff writer for Deadspin. Follow him on Twitter via @drewmagary and pre-order his new book about fatherhood, Someone Could Get Hurt, at his website

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