Saturday, April 28, 2012

Day 12- How I Manipulated Men to Love Me

My pattern within relationships
starts with the belief that a male may not prefer/desire/be attracted to/enjoy me as I am. How that belief was developed is a whole other pattern
that I created for myself and lived over and over until I believed it to be so
real that I defined myself by it and made it real. So my starting point within relationships is “I’m
not good enough as I am.” So what I did is, I observed males, I observed
for signs of interest in me, and then I observe and absorb what it was that
they like, either about me or about women and people in general, and then I
would become that, I would
become the ‘dream girl’ by compromising my self, my self-expression as who I
really am, in order to feel not only ‘good enough,’ but ‘the best.’ So as time
passes I manipulate my partner until I have him ‘loving me’, at which point I
slowly start to blame him for my self-suppression, because he is ‘happy’ and I
am miserable. I become angry and resentful that I have placed his happiness and
satisfaction above me, above living, and above my relationship to myself. I
begin to develop backchat about him and to dislike him, even sometimes I would
begin to dread spending time with my partners wherein I would only feel free
when I was alone. Eventually I break off the relationship because I become so
miserable and I end up feeling painfully guilty because deep down, I know what
I did and what I was doing the whole time and thus, I knew the relationship was
bound to failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define
myself as un-likeable, un-desirable, unattractive and un-enjoyable because of
and due to past life experiences, emotional energetic reaction and judgments I
had to them, and beliefs which I repeated and confirmed to myself over and over
and over until it actually became who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create
patterns of thought and actions/reactions which I utilize to experience myself
as ‘not good enough as I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
think/believe/perceive that I am ‘not good enough as I am,’ or that I am
lacking or invalidated in any way. I simply STOP these thoughts, feelings,
ideas, emotions and beliefs as the addiction that they are, because that is the
FIRST step to and towards re-scripting myself in a way that’s best for me, that
respects my integrity, that does not compromise my self-expression, and that assists
and support me to be and become a whole human being that is capable of standing
alone as all-one, as I stand for all in equality, which begins with self-equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
a master of scripting and molding myself to be and become the object of desire
and fancy of a male because I of acting/behaving from a starting point of ‘not
good enough as I am’ and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to suppress myself in order to be something else, which I defined as ‘better-than’
what I am in order to ‘win’ the interest of a male so that I could mentally
validate myself as ‘good enough’ and be the ‘winner’ in my secret competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
participate in observing the habits of others in order to find out their likes
and dislikes, and to try or attempt to subtly ‘become that’ in order that they
may like me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base
my entire starting point of ‘who I am’ on insecurity, based on the self-created
belief that ‘I am not good enough the way I am.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
manipulate others into liking me because I have lived in such a way that I only
‘feel better’ and ‘feel secure’ when I receive external validation and positive
feedback from those in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give
away my power by fearing negative feedback within the belief that, if I were to
receive negative feedback I would not be valid, I would not be good enough, I
would feel bad, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to fear ‘feeling invalidated,’ feeling as though I’m ‘not good enough,’ and
feeling ‘bad.’ In reality, when I get negative feedback, I usually experience
relief and empowered because I see that I remain and I am Here, and I do not
require the validation or positive feedback of another. This shows me that the
fear is truly irrational, and only plagues me when I get positive feedback,
because if I have positive feedback I fear losing it, but if I lose it I will
only see that I remain, I do not require an outside source to justify, validate
or approve of me. I am Here. There was a time however, before Desteni, that
this was not the case, and if I did receive negative feedback it would really
bother me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
compromise, suppress and abuse myself in order to appease my ego of wanting,
needing and desiring to be wanted, needed and desired. Within this, I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to exasperate this self-compromise,
self-abuse and self-suppression by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘good
enough’ is not good enough, as the new goal must be to be ‘the best.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse
others by manipulating them to like me, or love me, as I, in absolute
self-interest, use them to feed my insatiable ego as I bounce back and forth
from feeling like slime to feeling like ‘the best’ in endless cycles of
manipulation and abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
I can become something I’m not in order to become what I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on
irrational thoughts based in irrational feelings and internal experiences that
I created based on patterns of ego instead of looking at what is actually Here
and only then deciding the practical course of action which will walk me into
and through the self-development of stability and relationships of mutual trust,
respect, support and expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project
anger and resentment towards those whom I have compromised myself for, blaming
them for what I have done unto me, instead of taking self-responsibility to
stop compromising myself and walk instead as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt
others for the sake of my own internal experience and my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
guilty and hang onto that guilt for hurting others for the sake of my own
internal experience and ego, and for not considering them and who they are
within the relationship, thus not seeing them as my equal, but rather as my
subordinate whom I use and abuse in order to control the way I feel inside
myself, instead of realizing that the way I feel inside myself is nobody’s
responsibility but my own, as it affects nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter
into and play-out relationships that I knew were bound to fail, simply for the
fact that I was basing my decision on irrational thoughts anda serious lack of foresight.

I realize that in order to enter into and maintain arelationship that benefits all I will enter into it as an equal and do unto the
other as I would have done do unto me.

I realize that I am completely responsible for my internal
experience of myself, and that nobody has any real influence upon it but me.

I realize that I have used manipulation and blame as self-sabotage
within the relationships I have entered into in my life.

I realize that I have not honoured myself within and as my
self-relationship, and therefore I have not entered into relationships with
others as a self-honest being of integrity and who is capable of actual real
respect.

I commit myself to honouring myself by changing my living
application to one that builds self-trust, integrity and self-respect so that I
may enter into relationships that build the same.

I commit myself to openness, vulnerability, transparency and
trust within my relationship, exposing my secret mind so that I do not harbor resentment
and blame, and giving to my partner that which I would like to receive.

I commit myself to living and walking with my partner as an
equal in self-honesty and respect, honouring him as myself by sharing me
completely with no secrets and a stated and determined life path.

When I see that I’m going into manipulation tactics, I stop,
and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that
the behavior is abusive and self-compromising, coming from a starting point of
insecurity and ego, and will only create and harbor resentment and blame and
end up destroying my relationship. Manipulation tactics include behaviour which
stems from a starting point of wanting to feel desired, attractive, liked or
enjoyable, for example.

1 comment:

About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.