Monday, 11 March 2013

The One Where I'm Waiting For Something To Go Wrong...

*blows dust off*

Oh hi there. Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? Well, I've been busy. I had a baby and got a new job and well, life kept happening. Except it's been happening rather well and it's now that I start worrying.

The irrational behaviour of my brain has been something I've battled with for a while. When things are going rather badly, I always find some sort of positive to get me through it. It's quite strong in that way. But that means when things are actually rather peachy, I'm worrying that something is going to go wrong.

What is it that makes me unable to cope with life being ok? At this moment in time I have a job, The Hairy Drummer has a job, we have two healthy and happy children, we have a nice warm house to live in and food in the cupboards. The general health and happiness of our nearest and dearest is in fine fettle too.

But there's a niggle.

Let's call him Nigel. Nigglesome Nigel has settled himself into my head and is whispering that something is bound to go wrong. It can't be this good for long. It never is for you, he whispers, almost cackling with glee at the thought of this glimmer of perfection crashing down around me. And I listen to him even though I know he's wrong. But what if he's right? There's always something isn't there? Like my house burning down and losing my job. Sure, that could've been all my bad luck for a while but what if it's not?

It's at this stage that self-sabotaging becomes a very real prospect. I just want to hide under my duvet and not come out, preferring to lose myself in an endless supply of books and box sets. I did this once and ended up flunking university and therefore life at that time. It ruined friendships and what I'd thought my future would be. Nigel niggled and said I deserved it, that I wasn't as great as I thought I was, that I was just another failure. It took a while to shut him up but when I finally did, everything was ok.

And so it is now. Luckily I'm able to call upon some excellent people who understand what I'm thinking and why I think it. It's learning to do this, to not internalise and listen to Nigel, that helps you through. It doesn't make Nigel go away completely but at least I can tune him out today.