President Obama has chosen Independence Day Eve, Modern Philosophers, to make the shocking announcement that England will become out fifty-first state on July 4.

“Sure, our will flags look a little awkward now with a fifty-first star,” The President told the stunned White House Press Corps, “but think of all the jobs that will be created to make new flags and sew another star on the existing ones. Plus, this is really good for our longtime allies, who needed to feel like they were part of a larger community again.”

Of course, President Obama was referring to England’s recent Brexit decision to leave the European Union.

Pretty much everyone was shocked by the announcement, its timing, and the rush to have England become a part of the United States.

“I just thought it would be incredibly ironic for England to join the Union on the very day that we celebrate our independence from them,” President Obama told this Modern Philosopher with a chuckle. “Look, I’m totally being overshadowed by the candidates battling to take over my job, so I wanted to make one last bold, dramatic move so that I would be remembered in the history books as something other than the last decent President before Trump destroyed this country.”

Speaking of Future President Trump, his impending inauguration played another part in this hasty decision.

“We wanted to get this done before Trump became President and banned foreigners from entering the country,” The President replied with a sly grin on his weary face. “After tomorrow, those fifty-million Brits will be American citizens. And guess what? Those who are old enough will be eligible to vote on Election Day!”

I scurried to find a British perspective for this post, but as you know, no one is really in charge over there at the moment.

I was, however, able to persuade one Member of Parliament to comment on the condition of anonymity. “We’re big fans of what you Yanks have done over the last 240 years since you went off on your own. Not many of us are confident in our ability to survive as a solo act, though, and that’s why this opportunity to join the U.S. is such a blessing. God Bless America! God Save President Obama!”

So what exactly does this mean for Americans, other than that we now have a much larger voting pool to keep Donald Trump out of the White House?

We’ll have a much better chance of being competitive in the next World Cup now that the members of England’s team can play for the U.S.

America will have a new Royal Family to replace the Kardashians. While it is still not clear what Queen Elizabeth’s role will be in the United States, she will get to keep her castle, wealth, jewels, and hat collection.

There is some talk that the Queen will be forced to stand trial for the monarchy’s war crimes against the colonists during the Revolutionary War, but it’s more likely that she will get her own reality show.

Hollywood is especially thrilled about the announcement. “We’re so sick of having to hide the fact that most of the actors in our favorite TV shows and movies are actually British,” one excited studio head told this Modern Philosopher. “Finally, All-American zombie killer Rick Grimes is being played by an All-American actor!”

The list goes on, Modern Philosophers, but I’m hungry so I’m going to leave it at that and go make some lunch.

The White House has assured me that Americans will continue to drive on the right hand side of the road, soccer will not be referred to as football since football is already football, and there will no longer be a debate over whether the UK version or the US version of The Office is better since they are now both the US version.

Happy Independence Day, Modern Philosophers! Please do your best to welcome your new fellow Americans with open arms. It’s what our forefathers would have wanted.

In the immortal words of Paul Revere, “The British are coming!”…

Whether or not you’re cool with England joining the United States, you should still follow me on Pinterest. It’s the patriotic thing to do!

Nice one Austin! However, don’t rely on our footballers helping you do well in the World Cup as they are currently in disgrace having been beaten by a team of 11 motivated part timers called Iceland. We currently have no team manager and no prime minister – perhaps we can save some money and get one person to do both jobs 🙂