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^m
BETHEL COLLAGE
VOL. 64 NO. 11
Our first story is on tuition,
by Bond, James Bond
Students were informed last month by
an article in the Clarion, that there
would be a tuition increase next year of
over 7.8%. The reasons, as stated by the
provost, for the increase included
Bethel faculty salary raises, health insurance for Bethel employees, and some
minor housing repairs. But what the
article didn't say, was that most of the
real reasons for the increase will never
be revealed to the student body.
Several weeks ago, a highly classified
document from the provost's office was
misplaced, and fell into the hands of
several students. This document, containing a detailed list of new items for
the 89-90 budget, was copied and has
been circulating throughout the campus. The Bethel administration has
made several attempts to suppress the
document, but each attempt has failed.
When asked to comment on the incident, President George Brushaber said,
"Rumors! Nothing but rumors and malicious lies!"
At the top of the list is a plan to hire a
committee of over twenty-five people
to work directly under the provost. This
is the most expensive addition to next
year's budget, but the retrieved document isn't clear as to exactly what the
duties of the committee will be. The list
merely states, "This new committee will
be in charge of finding things for the
provost to do."
There will also be several unannounced
security changes. All security vehicles
will be equipped with lights, sirens,
radar, and even infra-red "night-vision"
to help catch "the man in black." A new
night hall monitoring patrol will be
hired, headed by John Ginsberg of the
Physical Plant. Food trained dogs will be
placed in front of the Learning Resource
Center, and steel gates are going to be
placed in certain designated areas to be
closed during chapel. These areas
Bushaber Missing: Bush found
by John Thomas
I recently called George Brushaber's
office in order to make an appointment.
His secretary refused to allow me in and
then proceeded to send me on a
scavanger hunt around different offices
in the school. When that did not solve
the problem at hand, I decided to call
his office once again, and once again I
was refused admission to see President
Brushaber.
That night I sat in my room frustrated
and watched Dan Rather on the television. Then all of a sudden I saw George
Brushaber on the news. No, wait! It was
only George Bush. Ifyou did a little
makeup job on his face and lighten his
hair he was almost identical to President
Brushaber. Come to think of it 1 had
never seen both President Bush and
George Brushaber in the same room. It
was now time to investigate.
Although the evidence seemed pretty
convincing already, I knew no reputable
paper would print my story without
hard facts, so I began to investigate. I
began my research, as every good
investigator does, in the library. I looked
up articles about both presidents, facts
about both presidents, and any other
information that seemed relevant.
fall upon the following information: in
Tudsmanian the word "aber" means
double. It is most commonly found in
their speech about the dihead of God.
Whoa! George Brush(aber). But what
about the "r"? 1 then found that the Tuds
often put an "r" after the first "b" in their
name when they visited foreign tribes.
Double whoa!!
This may have been enough for the
normal reporter, but not this one. I
needed more. I decided that once and
for all I would not have to see them
both in the same room for myself. I
picked a night that I knew George Bush
would appear on the television. I asked
a friend to sit and watch the TV. as 1
went to George Brushaber's office. We
were linked up by walkie-talkie.
After we synchronized our watches I
headed out on my mission. I always
wondered why Brushaber's office was
located at the seminary rather than the
college, and I found out as soon as I
stepped into the seminary and saw the
Sem Police. I successfully managed to
get past them, and for only twenty
dollars.
With my special infrared glasses I could
see the delicate artwork of lines that
streamed across the hallway leading to
George's office. 1 somehow managed to
include the POs, Market Square, and all
lounges.
The document states that "Bethel will
never have mandatory chapel, but those
students who choose not to go must be
as uncomfortable as possible."
Next year's convocation committee will
be awarded over twenty-five thousand
dollars because of failures in the past.
On the list for next year's guests are:
Reverend Jesse Jackson, Gloria Steinham,
Fidel Castro and, if they are lucky, Jane
Fonda.
Student Services additions include a
forty-five thousand dollar increase in
intra-campus propaganda and plans to
remodel viking at least three times. A
new system of hiring "live-in" Residential Assistants for commuter students
will be started, and Valentine Hills Elementary School Library will be added to
the "clic" inter-library loan system.
Stewart Luckman will be commissioned
to "put a few more mufflers here and
there" to help enhance the atmosphere
of the campus, and parking space will
be purchased to help solve some of the
current parking problems.
Included under the "miscellaneous"
category is: remodeling of offices for all
upper administration, a hair transplant
for the provost, a new canoe, a television station (with no transmitters, of
course), a student senate clothing allowance (designed primarily for jess Elmquist), and a small contribution to help
finish the construction of the white
plane sitting in the south courtyard.
Many of the items on the list are quite
necessary, but the main problem with it
is that the administration has been so
secretive. Many students are extremely
angry, and some are even threatening
to transfer to other schools next year.
When asked about the incident, Provost
H. David Brandt uttered an expected,
"No comment."
President Bushaber in an emotional moment while plugging abortion.
dent Bush had just finished his
make it through the web of lights to the
president's door. I began to reach for
the door when I thought it can't be this
easy. 1 touched the door with a stick I
found near by. As I touched the door,
razor blades sprung out of the handle.
Looking closer, I noticed that they had
been laced with a toxic poison.
After wedging the door open 1 met up
with George's secretary. She pulled a
semi-automatic uzi machine gun on me
and said that the president was in a conference at this time. Luckily for me I had
seen both karate kids and was able to
knock the weapon out of her hands. I
then heard my partner say that Presi-
announcement.
Just then the door to Brushaber's office
and a large crowd, of what I know to be
reporters, piled from his office. I was
lost in the sea of people and could feel
myself being pulled toward the exit, just
then I heard my partner scream, "You're
on T.V! I see you!"
Finally, the proof I needed. Even though
I had not actually seen Brushaber, I had
once and for all proven that they were
one in the same man. You know,
though, this Brandt character and
Quayle popped up about the same
time. Oh well, that's another story.

Reproduction or distribution of these files is permitted for educational and research purposes with proper attribution to the Bethel Digital Library. No commercial reproduction or distribution of these files is permitted under copyright law without the written permission of Bethel University Digital Library. For questions or further information on this collection, contact digital-library@bethel.edu.

Reproduction or distribution of these files is permitted for educational and research purposes with proper attribution to the Bethel Digital Library. No commercial reproduction or distribution of these files is permitted under copyright law without the written permission of Bethel University Digital Library. For questions or further information on this collection, contact digital-library@bethel.edu.

^m
BETHEL COLLAGE
VOL. 64 NO. 11
Our first story is on tuition,
by Bond, James Bond
Students were informed last month by
an article in the Clarion, that there
would be a tuition increase next year of
over 7.8%. The reasons, as stated by the
provost, for the increase included
Bethel faculty salary raises, health insurance for Bethel employees, and some
minor housing repairs. But what the
article didn't say, was that most of the
real reasons for the increase will never
be revealed to the student body.
Several weeks ago, a highly classified
document from the provost's office was
misplaced, and fell into the hands of
several students. This document, containing a detailed list of new items for
the 89-90 budget, was copied and has
been circulating throughout the campus. The Bethel administration has
made several attempts to suppress the
document, but each attempt has failed.
When asked to comment on the incident, President George Brushaber said,
"Rumors! Nothing but rumors and malicious lies!"
At the top of the list is a plan to hire a
committee of over twenty-five people
to work directly under the provost. This
is the most expensive addition to next
year's budget, but the retrieved document isn't clear as to exactly what the
duties of the committee will be. The list
merely states, "This new committee will
be in charge of finding things for the
provost to do."
There will also be several unannounced
security changes. All security vehicles
will be equipped with lights, sirens,
radar, and even infra-red "night-vision"
to help catch "the man in black." A new
night hall monitoring patrol will be
hired, headed by John Ginsberg of the
Physical Plant. Food trained dogs will be
placed in front of the Learning Resource
Center, and steel gates are going to be
placed in certain designated areas to be
closed during chapel. These areas
Bushaber Missing: Bush found
by John Thomas
I recently called George Brushaber's
office in order to make an appointment.
His secretary refused to allow me in and
then proceeded to send me on a
scavanger hunt around different offices
in the school. When that did not solve
the problem at hand, I decided to call
his office once again, and once again I
was refused admission to see President
Brushaber.
That night I sat in my room frustrated
and watched Dan Rather on the television. Then all of a sudden I saw George
Brushaber on the news. No, wait! It was
only George Bush. Ifyou did a little
makeup job on his face and lighten his
hair he was almost identical to President
Brushaber. Come to think of it 1 had
never seen both President Bush and
George Brushaber in the same room. It
was now time to investigate.
Although the evidence seemed pretty
convincing already, I knew no reputable
paper would print my story without
hard facts, so I began to investigate. I
began my research, as every good
investigator does, in the library. I looked
up articles about both presidents, facts
about both presidents, and any other
information that seemed relevant.
fall upon the following information: in
Tudsmanian the word "aber" means
double. It is most commonly found in
their speech about the dihead of God.
Whoa! George Brush(aber). But what
about the "r"? 1 then found that the Tuds
often put an "r" after the first "b" in their
name when they visited foreign tribes.
Double whoa!!
This may have been enough for the
normal reporter, but not this one. I
needed more. I decided that once and
for all I would not have to see them
both in the same room for myself. I
picked a night that I knew George Bush
would appear on the television. I asked
a friend to sit and watch the TV. as 1
went to George Brushaber's office. We
were linked up by walkie-talkie.
After we synchronized our watches I
headed out on my mission. I always
wondered why Brushaber's office was
located at the seminary rather than the
college, and I found out as soon as I
stepped into the seminary and saw the
Sem Police. I successfully managed to
get past them, and for only twenty
dollars.
With my special infrared glasses I could
see the delicate artwork of lines that
streamed across the hallway leading to
George's office. 1 somehow managed to
include the POs, Market Square, and all
lounges.
The document states that "Bethel will
never have mandatory chapel, but those
students who choose not to go must be
as uncomfortable as possible."
Next year's convocation committee will
be awarded over twenty-five thousand
dollars because of failures in the past.
On the list for next year's guests are:
Reverend Jesse Jackson, Gloria Steinham,
Fidel Castro and, if they are lucky, Jane
Fonda.
Student Services additions include a
forty-five thousand dollar increase in
intra-campus propaganda and plans to
remodel viking at least three times. A
new system of hiring "live-in" Residential Assistants for commuter students
will be started, and Valentine Hills Elementary School Library will be added to
the "clic" inter-library loan system.
Stewart Luckman will be commissioned
to "put a few more mufflers here and
there" to help enhance the atmosphere
of the campus, and parking space will
be purchased to help solve some of the
current parking problems.
Included under the "miscellaneous"
category is: remodeling of offices for all
upper administration, a hair transplant
for the provost, a new canoe, a television station (with no transmitters, of
course), a student senate clothing allowance (designed primarily for jess Elmquist), and a small contribution to help
finish the construction of the white
plane sitting in the south courtyard.
Many of the items on the list are quite
necessary, but the main problem with it
is that the administration has been so
secretive. Many students are extremely
angry, and some are even threatening
to transfer to other schools next year.
When asked about the incident, Provost
H. David Brandt uttered an expected,
"No comment."
President Bushaber in an emotional moment while plugging abortion.
dent Bush had just finished his
make it through the web of lights to the
president's door. I began to reach for
the door when I thought it can't be this
easy. 1 touched the door with a stick I
found near by. As I touched the door,
razor blades sprung out of the handle.
Looking closer, I noticed that they had
been laced with a toxic poison.
After wedging the door open 1 met up
with George's secretary. She pulled a
semi-automatic uzi machine gun on me
and said that the president was in a conference at this time. Luckily for me I had
seen both karate kids and was able to
knock the weapon out of her hands. I
then heard my partner say that Presi-
announcement.
Just then the door to Brushaber's office
and a large crowd, of what I know to be
reporters, piled from his office. I was
lost in the sea of people and could feel
myself being pulled toward the exit, just
then I heard my partner scream, "You're
on T.V! I see you!"
Finally, the proof I needed. Even though
I had not actually seen Brushaber, I had
once and for all proven that they were
one in the same man. You know,
though, this Brandt character and
Quayle popped up about the same
time. Oh well, that's another story.