12.25.2015

Dumbass Christmas Song Lyrics: “Santa Buddy”

The 1953 song "Santa Baby" was originally sung by Eartha Kitt and was meant to be song where a homewrecking woman sings all seductively to Santa Claus. For some reason, in 2011, the male singer Michael Buble covered this song for his Christmas album. In his version he altered many of the lyrics to keep it from sounding gay. In the Buble version he addresses Santa as “buddy” and “pally” instead of “baby.” The problem is, no matter how much you change the lyrics, the concept of a man singing to Santa is a little weird. A grown man should never be singing requests for presents to Santa. If you’re a grown man and you want something for Christmas you’re generally expected to buy it yourself not cozy up to a fat old man from the North Pole. This awkwardness is most apparent in lines that weren’t changed like “Come and trim my Christmas tree” which in the original version sung by a female was clearly a euphemism for trimming her bush hair. Why else would Santa bother literally trimming someone’s Christmas tree? Since when is that something Santa does? No, she was talking about grooming her private area in preparation for further antics. Santa is too busy to be going around trimming men’s pubes. Not to mention, that kind of thing would probably put you on a naughty list. Also, one of the last lyrics is “Santa poppy, forgot to mention one little thing, cha-ching,” At this point he’s running out of heterosexual things to call Santa. The original lyric was “Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a RING.” He says “forgot to mention one little thing, ca-ching” “ca-ching” meaning money. However, it’s obvious this lyric is shoehorned in because money and things of value have been asked for the entire song up to that point. He asks for a convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine. All of those things are basically the same as asking for straight up cash. Look, if you want to ask Santa to marry you just go ahead and ask. Let’s stop playing games here.

This song is just not suited for an opposite gendered version. If you’re going to reverse the gender roles in a Christmas song how about changing the roles in that “Baby It’s Cold Outside” song? How about having the woman be the one trying to convince the man to stay and bang instead of the other way around? That would be refreshing. Sure it wouldn’t make any sense, but it would probably make more sense than a man trying to seduce Santa.

We all know Santa experimented in his younger days, but that's in the past.