Lindy West

Did you know that Fox News has a magazine? For the ladies? It's called Fox News Magazine, and it's an online magazine full of magazine articles from the people that brought you Fox News! But in a magazine! Do you like reading PARADE but think it's just a little too risque? Are you befuddled by normal everyday tasks, such as how to wash your face or use scissors? Do you give a shit about Jackie Collins for some reason? Well then has Fox News got the magazine for you. Here's a taste.

Fox News Magazine understands that you're having troubles with your boner. But don't fret—they've cracked the case and figured out why! It's because of your oral hygiene:

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Men who forget to floss their teeth increase the bacteria in their gums, and this bacteria can travel through the bloodstream, combine with plaque and clog blood vessels which make getting an erection difficult.

Yes. That sounds like a COMPLETELY LOGICAL and common problem. But if you're flossing like crazy and things still aren't working down there, have you considered that you might have a violent and traumatic penis injury?

Lastly, if a man has sustained pelvic injuries from severe trauma, e.g., falling from a ladder or a car accident, the damaged nerves and arteries in the urethra will lead to dysfunction.

Oh, man, I've heard about that! You know what else is a major source of erectile dysfunction? Getting your penis chopped off by a sword. Check back next week, when Fox News Magazine outlines "11 Surprising Ways to Spice Up Getting Your Penis Chopped Off By a Sword".

Are you covered in lint? What the fuck do you do, right? Well, FNM has a solution so groundbreaking, they wrote it down in an article. Their secret? Use a lint roller! Oh, did a button fall off your shirt? I hope you're sitting down for this one...just sew it back on with a needle and thread! If you have a common problem, use the common solution that everyone knows about. If you feel like watching TV, try turning the TV on! Personally, I like to use the power switch. But, you know, try volume first! Solving problems can be fun!

This article is full of "hilarious" pranks you can play on your husband (you're not living in sin, obv) to keep things caliente in the bedroom. Because nothing gets people's genitals engorged with blood like being ridiculed and lied to! Suggestions include taping over the trackball of his mouse (if you're a time-traveler from 1997), replacing his gatorade with colored water, stuffing his shoes with newspaper, and supergluing a coin to the hardwood floor (the "prank" is that then he has to refinish it)! They're all great—I'm SUPER turned-on right now—but the best one is obviously this:

This is one of our favorites and it can translate into a number of situations. Ask your guy to go to the supermarket and give him a list of made up things like dehydrated water, sweet salt or a blunt knife. If he's into fixing things, send him to the hardware store for a glass hammer or cement humidifier. For the sports guy, tell him to grab a box of curveballs and meet you in the park after work. Beware though, this could keep him tied up for a while.