Lemon-aid

I have a confession: Don Lemon is my Emotional Support NewsAnchor. If Don is calm, all is good in my world. I can face whatever slings and arrows come my way. He’s my human Xanax … especially when combined with a nice glass of Pinot. I love him. I’m obsessed with him. But honestly, I’m worried about him. You see, Don has been melting down lately. He’s been melting more than the Wicked Witch of the West. Or should that be, Kanye West, whose appearance at The White House may have been Don’s final straw that broke what I am assuming is a well-sculpted, manly back. (Google: Don Lemon & Kanye West. Also, feel free to Google pictures of Don Lemon on the beach.)

I don’t know why I’m shocked, I should have seen this coming. I believe Don’s hair is a metaphor for the condition of the world. Not as crazy as it sounds; hear me out. First off, a caveat: You may be thinking that as an African-America male Don’s hair options might be limited, but you’d be wrong; he works his look like a runway model.

Normally, Don lets it grow out a few inches, which adds length to his handsome face. But it tells me things are bad but manageable. He’s signaling me that he has time for a little extra grooming that day. He’s relaxed, no imminent nuclear threat or porn star bombshell on the horizon. Don’s so chill, he might even take a long weekend.

Then, a few months ago he began sporting a tight, close cropped, neat look. You may think this is a good style for a respected news anchor. I think it means “More Mueller Indictments Coming.” And we know what that means, “Here, tweety, tweety, tweety, tweety, tweety.” This indicates two things: Don is prepping his Bugout Bag, and 2) I’m up to 2.5 mg/day.

Recently we hit Def Con One. Mr. Lemon shaved his head completely. (FYI, putting on the RuPaul glasses to soften the look did not make me feel any better, but it did remind me to set my DVR to “Drag Race.”) Clearly, Don knows something we don’t and I fear he’ll set himself on fire like a Buddhist monk. I was so worried I found myself screaming at the TV, “What is Don, a stock market crash, a terrorist takeover, or did some of those menacing children escape from their cages? Help! Speak to me Don! Your love can get me through anything!”

All I can say is, God help us if Anderson Cooper ever shows up with a tan.