Should Parents of Bullies Be Held Responsible?

If a parent knows that their child is a bully, and does nothing about it, should they be held responsible? Nutley, N.J. Health Commissioner and former school board member Steven Rogers, believes so. He says “the key to preventing bullying in the first place is accountability.”

“Bullies are not really held accountable until it’s really too late, and I’ve advocated for many years that parents should be held responsible for the behavior of their children,” Rogers said. “I am talking about repetitive behavior; habitual behavior”

I think parents should do their part to ensure that their kids do not bully others. There should be constant reminders to their kids about the importance of treating others the way they would want to be treated. Something that might seem funny at the time, can actually be very hurtful. That being said, we all know that kids have their own minds and do things that even we, as parents cannot control or might not even be aware of.

But how about when a parent knows their child is a bully and does nothing about it?

This is something I’ve come across in my own life, when my son has been bullied quite a bit by one kid in particular. After a face to face conversation with the mom and the kid after an incident, I believed that it was taken care of. But I found out later that the behavior had continued. After the latest incident when I attempted to talk to the mom about it, she went on the attack saying that my son wasn’t innocent. I acknowledged, my child wasn’t innocent. I know that my son had responded with bad language and mean names- but while not a good way to behave, it was reactive to a bully. And when I heard how my son responded (with words) we discussed it and came up with a better plan. In short, I responded, took action, and even though I don’t think my son was expressly wrong, we discussed other ways to handle known bullies.

A kid can only ignore a bully for so long, Then some sort action will be taken. Sometimes, it will be with words, sometimes with fists, against the bully, and sometimes, with the self harm or even death of the bullied.

When kids are bullies- and they tease, hurt and harass other kids, there is usually a reason- there is something going on with with them. Maybe they’re not getting what the need from home. Maybe they see their own families- brothers and sisters, or parents, being abusive towards others. There are many of family issues that can drive the kids to bully. Instead of ignoring it, or refusing to acknowledge it, they need to step up and see what is going on in their child’s life that makes them act this way. in short, they need to PARENT.

The bottom line is responsibility. In the end, the parents should be raising their kids to respect others. Most of the time, parents WILL react when they find out their child is bullying, and take steps to make sure it stops. Sometimes, they just don’t know what to do or how to stop it, but with a little guidance they will help their child. But sometimes, parents simply don’t pay attention to what their kids are doing, or don’t care, and very rarely, but occasionally, they may even encourage it. I believe that these types of parents that should be held responsible for their kids behavior.

Do you think a parent who KNOWS their child is bulling and does nothing to stop the behavior should be held accountable?

If the parent knows the bullying is going on and does nothing about it, even denying it, they should be held accountable. There’s something at the root of why that child is bullying…. potentially some type of hurt or other issue, and as hard as it may be to hear that your child is bullying, it’s even more important to find out what’s going on to cause this type of behavior. It would be so horrible to let it go on and something tragic happen.

Oh Mel, that is so true. Something is causing the behavior- either they are modeling behavior they have learned, or they have a problem that needs help. It’s horrible that sometimes parents sometimes don’t or refuse to see what is going on with their children. Like in my son’s instance: he spoke unkindly to someone- in response to being bullied by that kid. So, his response wasn’t ideal, but at least I understood why it happened and as able to give him other skills to use when being bullied.

Well, Jessica, you hit the nail on the head. Much of this boils down to parenting. Too much thinking “boys will be boys” or letting kids get away with things leads to them not listening or respecting their parents. You have to wonder what it is they see at home to model this often learned behaviors in public.

I think if the parents know and have done absolutely nothing they should be held accountable. If they have made a good effort to educate their kids otherwise, then no I don’t think that they should be held accountable.

It’s like you said- kids have their own minds &will do whatever they want, even if their parents teach them not to. BUT the parents NEED to teach them not to & make sure that the bully knows they do NOT condone their activities, whether that’s through punishment or conversation or whatever. The parents who allow it or don’t even care either way drive me absolutely crazy.

I keep finding comments on past forums I’ve read about in regards to bullying, but NONE I have read mentioned about what the bully victim MAY DO IN RETALIATION. I was a bully victim throughout my entire schooling career, and before people accuse that my own family brought me up on how to handle my bullies, you should know this all came from the fact that I was:

1. Enjoyed being alone

2. to some degree unempathetic when someone gets hurt physically and emotionally and I also want to enjoy being by myself and continue studying. Throughout my entire school life, I have been deliberately avoiding things that will make people want to be my enemy. It still didn’t work out. I behaved too well for people’s liking and I spoke politely and amongst other things (dressing conservatively, being Asian etc). I have more bullies than friends throughout my entire school days.

3. The teachers never disciplined the bully, I dobbed on the bullies, and the teachers just make them UNAPOLOGETICALLY apologise to me and mainly NEVER GIVE THEM DETENTION. And I had to deal with the same ones from grade 3-7, then I had deal with a new bunch from late grade 7-12 as I had to move schools (the new school I went to had a better reputation but more shittier people)

Now, from someone who came from a a person who really wants to be left alone, is stuck in a school that is the least worst within the area (it also has a good reputation too), with family who contacted the school repeatedly about the bullies, guess the last resort guys? Emotional OR PHYSICAL RETALIATION. And that means stabbing in the hand or to the more extreme grabbing a gun. I live in Australia so guns are almost impossible for me a back then teenage kid to access, but the blood thirst was actually pretty strong and I was contemplating on where to get the money to afford a gun, where to get a gun (In Australia, gun shops are not exactly common and they’re never sold in supermarkets) and whether to deal with the consequences. It took me a while, perhaps a month or two to get that thought out of my head, it was an escape and a form of closure I needed. I value my freedom, the effects it could have on my family and the patience I learned from them. There’s a bit more, throughout my schooling career, because of the teachers lack of ability in dealing with bullies, I actually had to punch, and stab my bullies with a pen. This is after years of dealing with them and reporting them.

So, if you have a bully child and could NOT CARELESS about the victim about your child’s bullying, you may want to consider if you want to consider if your child will come back alive or dead, or having some sort of injury that leaves a scar behind.

Oh and by the way, the teachers DEFINITELY knew I was being bullied, when I make an attack, the teacher never punishes me, but always punished the bully, Although mainly in some light form, teachers also talk to the bully’s parents, but bully still bullies me. I remember an incident where I stabbed a bully, and I was about to cry, the teacher took me outside, to ask me calmly “why did I stab and why I didn’t tell him”, and then when he was done with me, he took the bully outside, and he shouted at the bully, saying something along the lines of “why did you bully her?!” the entire class laughed and I cheered up. Oh a sequel to this story, bully tried to make me feel guilty for giving his hand an infection and talked about getting blood poisoning and tissue scarring on one of his legs. According to him, the stab in the hand I gave him, turned into an infection, and the infection spread to his leg and left tissue scarring there, I’m not even sure if it is possible to be honest but I was kinda glad he felt hurt by this and actually tried to make me feel guilty.

Anyway, if I’m getting a kid, and that kid bullies, I won’t just be worried about the bully victim, I will be worried about my own kid. I’m also not an isolated case of bully victims fight back, I use to have this friend who was bullied so much by this girl where her grandmother spoke to the principal and warned the principal that one day her granddaughter will blow up, she did, and she punched the bully, knock out a couple of front teeth and broke the bully’s nose. My ex-friend did get suspended for about a week (not sure how long), but however, note the injury that was done to the bully. This is why parents should better prioritise on making their kids better people, but if they don’t have time or don’t know, or lack confidence, I can understand, but please really understand that there are consequences to bullying someone that goes beyond a simple “detention” and if you can’t discipline your child then improvise, do research, if you have a relative who have time to teach your child about self responsibility and self discipline, then let them raise your child. You’re not a bad parent if you left your child to someone you know you can trust to raise in a certain aspect, you’re a good parent for doing things to compensate for your flaws in parenting and in a sense, still actively raising your child.

I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this. and yes, you are correct. It seems as if the bully has all the power. I told my children to protect themselves however they need to do so. If that meant they were suspended, so be it.

Good job. That is exactly what a parent should do
I had a friend who once told me “it’s wrong to hit back NO MATTER WHAT” (capitals for emphasis, they didn’t shou).She was in her late teens and had a shorter history with bullies than me. I goddamn hope she changes her mind on this if she were to ever raise kids.

yes parents are 100% responsible its the way the parents acts the child will look up to the parent and do the smes. but no because bullies mostly become bullies because of what they experience at home.

Sometimes the parents don’t realize their kids are the problem. They don’t want to think it’s true because it means they don’t know their kids as well as they think they do, or they’re a poor judge of character/role model. They may pay lip service to the idea that their kid is being a pain and needs to stop, but then write it off in their own mind as “kids being kids” and “other parents being overprotective.” I think the bottom line is that if the other parents don’t step up and prevent this from continuing, letting the bullied kids handle it themselves (and telling them you have their back even if they get suspended!) is a great show of support and trust that can do worlds for someone’s self-confidence. “Hey, I took care of this myself and my parents are cool with it” is a lot better than “My mom told his mom and they straightened everything out.”