Hush the youngest children, for the demon in the skiesTreasuring the very thought of anyone's demiseGlitter fades to black and shining moonlight fades to dustEvery cruel man's wonderland is built of poor man's trustTragic, empty melodies and blood beneath the airFearlessly escape the wind and drown without a careTreasure death as platinum, as silver and as goldEvery cruel man's wonderland is built of poor man's gold...

Well, since you asked so nicely! And how can I say no to <3?Fair warning - I'm still kinda new at giving critiques, so here's to a cautious third attempt.

When I first clicked on this piece what I found the most intriguing was the style. In high school I found a lot of my own influences in Frost and Dickinson, and reading this felt like a throwback to some of my all-time favorite poems by them, like "Nothing Gold Can Stay" and "Tell All the Truth but Tell It Slant." The similarities there that I recognize in your work are their ability to get a message across with one to two stanzas and maybe six to ten lines. I like that the message is clear and succinct without dragging it out needlessly, stanza after stanza. "Short and sweet" can sometimes have a greater, more far-reaching impact than several pages' worth of words. Less is more, as they say. (Now if only we could convince politicians of that and tell them no, filibusters are a dumb idea. But I digress.)

Another aspect about this poem that I really liked was the twist on preconceived notions about rising to the top. I love how you employ words that we typically hold in high estimation and associate with riches and success - like "treasure," "platinum," "silver," "gold," "wonderland," "glitter" - and then wrap a dark shroud around them, revealing the sinister truth behind the success stories of that which society covets. The impression I got was that even King Tut's riches had skeletons in their closet; another angle to the rag's to riches story, how the road to success might not always be paved with good intentions. To succeed and aspire to wealth and success, do we simply have to be better than our competitors, or do we have to sabotage them in order to win? Or in climbing to the top, do we lose sight of what truly matters and allow ourselves to ruthlessly do whatever it takes to achieve our own ambitions?

The theme here is timeless, granting your poem the ability to adapt to any sort of issue, be it a civil rights, political, economic, et cetera. You could apply the success/oppression contrast to countless generations past and to come, like empires such as Rome that became so successful because they conquered and colonized at other nations' expense. Or, you could take the message here and use it on current day issues. In the United States one such controversial issue is whether or not businesses like the hydraulic fracturing (fracking) industry are becoming economically successful at the cost of polluting the environment and risking chemicals used in the process (like formaldehyde and mercury) getting into citizens' water sources. I think it ties in nicely with the moral question your poem proposes about "every cruel man's wonderland [being built] of poor man's gold."

As always, I'm a sucker for imagery and literary devices that draw me in and paint vivid pictures in my head. I find no shortage of that here with lines like "glitter fades to black and shining moonlight fades to dust," or "tragic, empty melodies...drown without a care." It's visceral, raw, and so gripping in it's portrayal that I can easily picture everything that you've written, in addition to feeling the dread, despair, and bitter loss your words conjure.

Now, going off of my last thread, it begs the question of what was the poem written for? Was there a purpose in mind when you wrote this, or was it ideas hijacking your brain and using you to get the point across? I kind of like the sillier notion that my ideas are just using me to get themselves written, but since I'm being semiprofessional here, I'll stick to the latter. For the first few minutes I sat back and reread each line, digesting the words and letting them sink in. Poetry in its basic essence becomes interpretive no matter what the author's original intents were. Since I can't speak on your behalf, I'll say what I thought the central message was and what my impressions were: to bring awareness to people and to where the roots of others' success lie. Perhaps everyone needs to be more conscientious about the history behind those famous tales of success. As Tolkien once said, "All that is gold does not glitter." Sometimes even pyrite can make fools of us, those so blinded by its false brilliance. This harkens back to the "poor man's trust" you played upon, how we don't take the time to question and exert caution/suspicion, thus unintentionally allowing cruel men to extort us.

Or perhaps this is as much advice to the admirers as it is a warning to the cruel man who hasn't yet abused the downtrodden. Oppressors aren't born; they're made. So maybe this piece could serve as a lesson in history to those looking to achieve greatness, a reminder to attain their wonderlands the honest, fair way before they consume themselves in their pursuit.

Or perhaps this piece is resignation to the inevitable relationship between the successful cruel man and the downtrodden poor man. That in all tales of triumph, someone must fall in order for another to prevail. Is it human nature for one person's will to bow to another? Is it the unavoidable outcome omnipresent in survival of the fittest? Or can we truly aspire to wealth and power without mistreating our brothers and sisters? A loaded question indeed.

I said it once and I'll say it again: I like this piece. I like everything about it, from its totipotent applications to its metaphorical meaning to its tribute to classical writing styles. Everything about it is attention-grabbing and engaging. Needless to say this poem is going right in my favorites, and I can't wait to see what else your muses create.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Awthum. Really liked the ending, had forgotten where this was going after having been drawn into the story of the demon in the sky. The line 'glitter fades to black...' is kind of like a shot transition description in a screenplay. I've had a bit of experience writing them and I thought that sounded familiar to the trade. Not sure if more elaborate description could have been put in there (around that line I spoke of)... started zoning out a bit until i got to 'tragic, empty melodies...' which certainly woke me up again. After reading a bit of the critique below, I'm reading it again now and a lot more is coming to me. This really is a sweet poem. Not as in cute, as in good lol. Def in faves, cheers for writing, awesome one, I'mma think about it a lil more

There's is great truth to this nice little poem. A truth that we only need to look to historybooks to confirm. Not to mention every day society as it is today. It is, and always will be, the little guy/girl on the floor who will carry those priviledged upon their shoulders to keep their feet from treading upon the same dirt as they. And those who are priviledged will continue to benefit from the labour and hardships of those who are beneath them. Very well written. It is a poem that makes a person think. Or rather, should, make people think.