Vulnerable

I was encouraged to write my feelings and thoughts and just let them be. It’s been said that writing is a good processing tool. Writing helps in the way of offering an outlet for many emotions. Right now, I am distraught. I am terrified. I am jealous. I am annoyed. I am confused.

Relationships. We all want them. I can’t stand the fact that in Christian culture, you are basically condemned for wanting and desiring a romantic relationship. It’s sort of an understood fact that, if you want a romantic relationship you don’t love Jesus enough, then on the other hand, I am torn by the fact that I know we were created for companionship and relationship. I beat myself up day after day for wanting a boyfriend/fiancé/husband; I feel like I’ve failed the Church, I feel like I’ve failed God. And yes, there is grace and there is so much to say to explain that away or give a pep talk about, because I’ve given many of those to distraught friends, but that doesn’t help my heart grasp the loneliness it feels. There are so many questions running through my mind, but all of them begin with “why?” at the end of the day I just want to know why, its almost a deep seeded need.

It hurts my heart to know that I shouldn’t feel this way because I have Jesus and His love, but then the second questions rises, if we were in essence designed for relationship why do I feel so horrible for wanting it? I shouldn’t. My heart is in this limbo between grace and condemnation but I can’t seem to grasp hold of one particular side or another. I want to walk in the grace, but I am terrified. I am terrified that no one will ever love me. I am terrified that I’m destined to be alone. After all, hardly anyone has taken actual time to pursue me other than just saying they will.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

You can tell me 5000000000000000000000 times that you want to pursue me, but that means nothing. I could tell people that I loved them, but I never showed them with my actions, they would never know. They would be hurt; they would hear those words then wonder why they weren’t good enough to have an actual pursuit. The thing is I know that I am so valuable and I know that my worth isn’t defined by the people in my life, but I want so bad, to understand.

Getting your head and heart to cooperate is possibly one of the toughest things to do. Your head knows but your heart refuses to grasp logic.

I’m almost afraid that even if love attempts to jumpstart my passion, I wont see it. I will be too blinded by these feelings of confusion, theses feelings of not wanting to let people down. Why is it that I am so torn? My emotions run rampant for days. They run wild.

The mustangs of the heart are lost in the wilderness.

They refuse to be corralled.

Any attempt to wrangle them in is futile.

Where is the one who carry’s the power?

Just a touch, just a glance.

Surrender.

I constantly say that vulnerability is one of the most beautiful forms of bravery because it takes an insane surge of courage to share the depths of your heart. So, here it is, what I hold on to, what I don’t understand, what I want to understand.

This life is a process, one of which I cant always seem to find the answers to help decipher it.

This is not a cry for pity of any sort, this is life, this is real. I don’t have the answers always, no matter how many times I may look, and you know what? That is 100% ok.