As a soothing activity of my own, I'm trying to write a series of spoof newspaper stories about Tories sustaining embarrassing injuries at the hands of assorted fed-up animals. So far, Theresa May has been taken to hospital after being bitten on the bum by Tiberius the foxhound, who is angry at having his plans for early retirement ruined. She is released from hopital only to have her other buttock bitten by an un-named unban fox, who is lying in wait for her in the car park. Once home, Ms May discovers that a redundant police horse has broken into her house and crapped on her priceless hand-woven carpet. Jeremy Hunt has been treated for testicular wounds after meeting Babs the hospital cat at a photo-op. Having been rushed to A&E, Mr Hunt is attended by several very unimpressed junior doctors, who insist on cleaning and stitching the wound without recourse to local anaesthetic. Efficiency saving are blamed for the omission. Damien Green is undergoing surgery to his re-attach his prepuce after meeting Betty the assistance dog at a constituency rally. Oh, and Ruth Davidson is being treated for a septic midge bite to the perineum.