Saturday, 31 January 2009

I knew it was going to happen eventually. I was going too well for too long.i binged and binged and binged.i dont think ive ever binged so much. it lasted the whole day.it was uncontrollable like some kind of disease.this morning i weighed 109...no change to what i was.so tomorrow, im back. back to the determined person i was.food is clogging up my mind. skinniness is taking over my thoughts and dreams.i want it so bad and im willing to do anything to get there.ive been watching loads of thinspirational things on youtube and bbc iplayer.its given me tips and helped me so much. i recommend looking at them. im dying to execise but ive hurt my ankle playing hockey on friday. im not sure what ive done to it, but i can hardly walk on it. i might have to go up the hospital. i hate hospitals.i hate them. ill avoid going to one by all means.im not going to binge again. (i no its unlikely but hey, im gonna do my best)by the way, this is me. i thought id put some of me up, im a bit scared that someone will find them, but i doubt anyone ever will.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

ive been absolutely freezing all day which is a good sign.i havent eaten anything all day in school.and when i got home i had a salmon salad. and thats all im eating today

and last night i had a dream.

i was skinny. so skinny. about 95lbs and my english teacher (he's my fave teacher, absolutely nuts and just too funny, but he can also be serious, like he was in my dream) was trying to take me to a anorexia clinc in the city. he was also trying to make me eat.id eat but just spew it back up.very random, but i was quite happy that i was so skinny. it gave me motivation.

and now i feel like i got a head ache coming on.:)

im so happy. i hope i can stay like this. keep losing. i'll be perfect.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Just a quick blog, im off to the gym in a bit.today has gone really well. i intended on fasting for today, but as im off to the gym i ate spagetti on toast.roughly 130 cals.am i being silly or is bad to go to the gym when you havent eaten all day?forr lunch i went up the villiage with 2 of the girls, who thankfully dont seem to notice what i buy. i bought water an sugar free gum.i hope i can keep this up for the rest of the week.stay skinny xxxx***UPDATE***Had a fabulous work out in the gym, it was packed tho. done about 40 mins on the x trainner, another 40 on the bike and about 20 on the rowing machine.i say fabulous, but i could have done more. as i was with four of the girls, i had to leave eailer, otherwise i would have stayed.when i came home, my mother asked if i was hungry. (i was a little bit, but ive began to love the empty feeling again so i didnt want to eat)i knew she wouldnt rest until i ate, so i had toast and light garlic & herb philly.(about 80 cals with the bread...i supposee)i was watching a very thinspiration tv program eailer called supersized vs superskinny.basically one very morbitly obease person had to swap their diet with a 6 stone woman.the fat woman was disgusting. there were scenes of her in her underwear...which almost made me feel sick.how could anyone let themselves get so digusting?anywayyss i should be doing my maths homework which is due in 2moroo so ill leave it there for now. :)hope your all good my lovely little anas :)xxxxx

Sunday, 25 January 2009

Thanks for the comments on yday's postyour all very supportive i gotta say :)i woke up this morning feeling a bit worse for wear. but then Aaron came round unexpectedly at 10 am. very unlike him, as hes in love with his bed.i answered the door cuz my mother was taking my step dad to the airport.he gave me a bunch of flowers and said that he was really really sorry.he said he didnt mean for it to come out like that an that he was gonna love me jus the way i am.:)i felt like i was bridget jones lol.so we then endured pretty amazin make up sex which put me in a high happy mood all day.i did mean to weigh myself but it sliped my mind...so ill update my weight blog tomorrow.ive packed my lunch for tomorrow and this week im clamping down for sure.i might even try a liquid fast...but its gunna be hard to do with my mother around. ill do it tho :)can anyone recommend me any good foods to do on a liquid fast? cuz i only know soup. or is that the only one? lolive only done water ones in the past, but as i said with my mam its guna be hard.love you guyssxxxxx

Saturday, 24 January 2009

Today has been an absolute nightmare.actually no. worse than that.it started off ok...i had a nice lie-in and whatever.my parents were away for the day, so i asked my boyfriend to come down.we watched american pie and then things heated up.we did what your thinking, and when i was getting dressed back into my clothes...Aaron*(my bf) said that i was looking a lot more skinner than i used to. (i am fucking fed up of this...fair enough if i was losing the pounds but i dont seem to be!)he said that he doesnt like the fact that im geting smaller and says he wants me to put on some weight.(LIKEEE FUCKK!)so i told him no. im happy small and i dont wanna change. i also said that he should love me the way i am and not be telling to change.he started getting a bit angrier saying i looked frail and he could see my bones and it turned him sick.i really cant believe he said this. i started filling up and told him to fuck off. and if i made him feel sick he should just leave.so after a bit of more shouting an shit...he left.im so upset. i cant believe the boy that i love, who ive been going out with for a year told me i turn him sick.hes tried to ring me quite a few times but i aint picking up.ive never seriously argued with him before and im scared.i dont wanna lose him. but im not gaining weight for anyone.i love him so much.but if i turn him sick maybe hes not worth my love.so when he left i binged. then i made myself sick.something i havent done for a very long time.im such a wreck.

Friday, 23 January 2009

Hiyaa Guyss.Ive been better since my last post...even though ive found it hard.which never normally is a problem for me.ive got the determination, but its my parents/friends.if i lived on my own, this thing would be simple. but everyones on my case, raising the eyebrow if i havent got food in my hand.ive been reading a few of your blogss girls and i am offically addicted to themKat + Anna are ones i can think of off the top of my headyou guys inspire me loads.im about to go bowling with my boyfriend and five of his friends ....god help me.i know most of them but im meeting 1 or 2 for the 1st time tonight.and no doubt ill be expected to eat a mcdonalds. :( i wont eat it tho. hellll no.im absolutely dreading monday.its parents evening.i have to attend with my mother. (my parents are divorced and my father couldnt care less about me)im a all round good pupil, im expected As and stuff but im worried about my biology/form tutor teacher metioning my weight loss to my mother. and my pe teachers have commented on it while ive been changing for the lesson. oh shit i hope they dont day anything.well im off to put my slap on.hope your all good.lovee youxxx

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Grrrrr!!!!!!!!Im soo freakkkin pissed.i binged today. so much to knuckling down.lunchtime i bought (brace yourselves)a butter baguette, walkers crisps, skittles, a creme egg and non diet pepsi.why?i have no idea why i dun it. i lost all control.i wont be surprised if im 120lbs tbh.im sliding down and its really hard to get back up. my willpower seems to be crumbling.i really need to get a hold of myself. im pathetic.its pissing down but im going to go running. i need to im not letting myself get fat again.im not going to let it happen.i hope my friend intends going to the gym again this week.oh shit i cant go anyway. im double booked as it is.i got a netball assesment afterschool and im going shopping with brooke. i decided im not going to town...i value my relationship with my boyfriend too much. i dont wanna give him a reason to realise how horrible sluttish ugly fat and disgusting i am. amazingly he hasnt noticed yet.well im off to run, then homework then gcse revision then shower and bed.my life is sooo cool!!!!! hope your all doing better than me!!!love you allxxxx

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Hi people.im sooooo tired. i dunno why either.im in a bit of a predicament too.today, i told my friend that i would go to town with her on friday. its a good excuse to buy a dress and i no ill have a laugh.but when i told my boyfriend that i was going, he got all jealous and started making arrangements with his friends to go out an see this film that he fully well knows im dying to see.so im stuck and i dont know what to do.do i go to town or stick with my boyfriend?i understand completely why he doesnt want me to go, and its because i cheated on him when i went before. but the boy was stunning, and i was absolutely steaming. (ive never been so drunk, i was even sick + i never normally throw up) so i bet hes feeling insecure and is worried that ill do it again, even tho he wont admit it. and the thing is, i cant promise it wont happen again."/but i dont wanna let my friend down either.grrrr i hate makin decisions like this.anyway food wise i havent been doin my best.i dont wanna weigh cuz i dont wanna let myself or you guys down.sometimes i wish i could be someone else. night night guyssxxxxxx

Sunday, 18 January 2009

Well hello :)i havent written for a while i dunno whats wrong with me loli weighed eailer and expected the worst. ive kinda binged this weekend and i was at least expecting 114lbs.but amazingly im 109.i dunno wats up with my body, but whatever it is, i like it!but this week im knuckling down a notch.my bedroom is finally finished, my new wardrobe is up so i can put my thinspo on the inside of the door. i put pictures of me an my family up today, so my thinspo will be up tomorrow. :)i also read today in this little health book i got that exercising outside increases your sex drive.so tomorrow i intend on going for a run :)i cleaned my room today and it is shit hot.i intend on getting a huge framed pic of kate moss on one of my walls. i lovee her. shes such an icon. (i would get a pic of a lush man like that boy off step up or something but my hubbie would get jealous lol) well im off to sleep...stay strong buddies :)xxxxx

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Wowww man.im so happy. went to a gym not far from my house and started up a membership.i went with my friend leia* who is a bit bigger than me (size 10-12) she seriously wants to lose weight and tone up.so we bothh went and worked out like mad.rowing machine, bike, x trainner, running machine, weights, sit ups and stuff with a medicine ballfeel so exhilarated. its a fabulous feeling. i havent worked out like that f0r ages. XDi do feel slightly angry with myself tho, cuz when i was waiting for my mother to pick me up, i ate some shit :(dont wanna go into it, i feel really bad about it. thats the 1st and last time thats happening tho!aww it was lovely having my boyfriend there tho. :)i was watchin him on the weights and he looked so lush. i wanted to run up to him then an there and snog his face off in front of a very busy gym.lolaww i really love him. hes sooooo lovely. :)anyway thank fxck tomoros a friday!!! i have gymnastics and i love them nowi used to hate them, but they've turned fab.im turning into quite a gymnast, if i do say so myself anywayss folks, hope your all great lovee you xxxx

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Hiaa guysate a butter baguette and crisps for dinner. i want to give the impression to the girls that im trying to be healthy but failing miserably. so they'll leave me alone.but i cant afford to do it everyday for the obvious reason.felt good today in biology tho, we had a pop quiz and i knew all the answers cuz it was about diet and its effects on the body. i didnt even have to think about the answers so i was chuffed with that :)im supposed to be going to the gym tomoro with a few people including my boyfriend.lol thats gonna be interesting.also Shane* my bf's friend who i once snogged absolutely ages ago (like i must have been 13) is going. i used to like him until he started spreading rummours that me and him have had a 'fling' he wishes is all i can say. yes i kissed him, but nothing else. i was 13! and drunk may i add.he told everyone this about 3 months ago aswell. how pathetic. i dont mean to sound big headed but i get the idea hes jealous and is atempting to split up my relationship. "/anywayss...heres some thinspo. :)

tyra banks. not the skinniest i admit, but beautiful nonetheless.

kendra wilkinson one of the girls of the playboy mansion. i really love that show and i think kendra is gorgeous. and very tonned

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

ive done well today, only eaten my lunch of raw carrots cabbage and lettuce then a stir fry when i got home.my mothers recently gone on a diet so shes cooking healthy.yay.

my form tutor commented on my weight today. i didnt no whether to be pissed of or pleased to be honest.shes a biology teacher and the word is that she used to suffer from bulimia. shes in her 30s now, and is fully against pro ana sites she makes her views very well heard too.so anyway, she tapped me and said that i seem to be pulling my trousers up a lot (they have gone a bit big) and asked what i had for lunch. i just randomly came out with a chicken tikka wrap...if she used to have a ED she'd be likely to know what i had for dinner was a zero cal meal.she also said that my face looked a bit more boney. (some people must have fucked up eyes to think ive lost that much weight) so i then said nope everythings fine.but what really wound me up was my friend who was standing next to me, while my tutor had this convo with me. she said shit about me & the girls aint the only ones to notice it. we're all worried about you.

grrrr just piss off the lot of them.god im not even near my desired weight and their having a go at me!

Monday, 12 January 2009

Friends can be soooo annoying sometimes.i was in school at lunchtime... enjoying my raw carrots, cabbage and lettucewhen a few of my friends came in to the class (we hang out at lunchtime in one of the girls form classes, ) all holding pizza boxes from the dominos delivery man who stands outside the school gates at lunchtime.so i thought nothing of it, thinking of how disgusting the smell was, and how they will all be fatties if they carry on.when my friend ashlee* chucked a pizza box in front of me, and said eat, you skinny bitch.i was horrfied. so i said shut up im not hungrythen the rest of the girls joinned in saying im too skinnybut im not!!so then it turned into a bit of a arguement, ending in the girls asking if i was ana again.i honestly thought they all forgot about that.i didnt know what to say. so i just said 'no...but i wanna be healthy, is that a fuckin crime?' in the end i ended up eating the pizza just to shut them up.

come on like...im not even that small. im huge to be more precise. and there they are poking their noses in trying to be a 'good friend' welll if they wer good friends they would keep their noses out.its really annoyed me an ive prob put back on all them pounds that ive lost.i was still angry when i came home so i cleanned my bathroom, so much that i can see my reflection in the tiles.i dont wanna get on the scales, just in case i have put them back on.soo ill leave it a few days and from tomorrow, ill start the serious exercise.hopefully ill be 100lbs before valentines day :)hope you girls are all good xxxx

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Hello readers :)i woke up this morning with a beautiful black eye + nose...How gorgeous i look people!NOT.well thats life for you.not looking forward to school...i can see it now'what happened' 'how you do tha' 'omg look at your face!'then me havin to explain the story a 10000 times to teachers and people i know.great.anyway...i totally binged on maltesers today...and thats really all ive eaten.thankfully my huge swollen lips have done me a favour...ive told my mother it hurts to eat and that i dont want much. and she hasnt thought anything of it.i put my water and my lunch in the fridge for school tomorrow consisting of raw cabbage, lettuce and carrots :)this week im going to do good. im making sure of it.well sleepy time for me now...hope you guys are doing gooood :)lovee youxxxx

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Hello People :)ain left a blog since thursday i think lolvery unlike me.omg my period has been fucking terrible. tears, moodswings, pain the lot.then to top it off, yesterday, while i was walking home, a passin car (full of drugged up ugly as fuck guys) decided to chuck a full bottle of coke out of the car window.being unlucky as i am, it hit me square in the face.my nose is possibly broken, and it looks like ive had lip surgery thats went terribly wrong.plus i can only breathe out of one side, which is extremely annoying.i hate my life.why fuckin do this? i didnt even see the number plate to report it.so im bruised and lookin uglier than ever. thank you god.my boyfriend was extremely pissed off, which made me feel good, shows he cares really doesnt it.but thankfully, ive lost some weight :)4 pounds. it wasnt my target, but one pound short, so thats good enough for me :)thanks for the comments on the lats post guysi will use your advise :)love you all guyss xxxxx

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Hi fellow anas :)today was other good day...well until about 6:45.only ategrapeshalf a packet of snack a jacksbut then my mother insisted i have dinneri cant really say im not hungry as it will set off alarm bells in her head that im ana again.chips carrots and cod.yes in fucking batter.i do actually like it. until i think of all the fat in itthat will hang on my huge thighs forever.then i feel sick.so i ate half of it.then my boyfriend came over.i couldnt believe it, he saw all my thinspo on my laptop.the nosey thing was lookin for pictures of me to put on his fone, then he stumbled across the hundreds of pics of skinny girls. he asked me an what it was about, and i said i needed pictures of girls for a school project.oh god i hope he didnt think of me havin a ED.he didnt say anythin else tho. i hope his is too dumb to figure it out.and just after he left, i found my head burried in a tin of chocolates. well fuckin done me.BUTthere is a reason for this binge...ive come on.that explains it. so im not too pissed.even tho im worried that i wont have lost as much as i wanted to this week.grrr.does anyone have any excuses to miss dinner with the parentals?cuz im drawing blank.please leave your suggestionsand i will welcome them with open arms lollovee you alllxxxx

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

Another good day today :)ate:a handful of grapes2 tangerinessnack a jacks

ain sure how many cals, but it doesnt look much.

my hockey training was cancelled, (not much of a surprise, teachers are soooo unrealiable)of unfortunately i havent done much exercise. except for the workout ill be doing before i go to bed.

being at school makes such a difference to what i eat, cuz when your at home, you have that evil little voice telling you to go and binge and you can do it.but in school you cant just get up and go to the fridge. also if i spend money on shit in school, ill punish myself. like a water fast or something, or a 1000 crunches. pure agony :)

changing the subject, has anyone else except for me fallen in love with beyonces new album?omg its amazing im hooked. i recommend it to everyone.she even refers to chew an spit for a tiny bit in the song 'Diva'and 'halo'? gosh i replay it over and over. makes me think of my boyfriend lol (excuse me being corny)ive been seeing him for nearly a year now, and he knows ive had eating probelms in the past, but hasnt witnessed me having them. it makes me feel bad sometimes when i think of what im doing again him not knowing and all, and if he finds out im not sure if he'll forgive me. cuz ana is full of lies really isnt it. but i have to do it. he is some of the reason why i am. i want to look good for him. and ana makes me feel great. if im doing well lol.

anyway, heres some more MK thinspo. you can never have enough of her in my opinion :)

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

i was going to go for a run to, but i had to go and see my step nan..."/

But 2moroo i got hockey training after school over the astro-turf, so that should burn a few cals.im also thinkin of starting aerobics again...the woman who does it is totally amazing...soo unbeilevably fit. a very active work out, not for the faint hearted lolso im considering that...if one of the girls will go with me.its not so pleasant on your own.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Omg ive been so emtional today.so much that its scary.as i write this tears are coming down.i thought it was jus my period abou to start to begin with, but now i ain so sure. i've never been like this before.

it started off me going up my dads. i went into my old room which i hardly ever sleep in anymore, and started crying. i don't know why.

then when i came back to my mothers, my boyfriend came over. we we're watchin, Ps i love you (the wrong choice of film as i hate the thought of my boyfriend dyin, and this reminds me of all the nightmares i have of him dying...but suprisingly hes the one who wanted to watch it lmao) and as you do in a chick flick i was crying at the sad parts. I didnt really think anything of tha, as i would have normally.But then we stopped it to go out the kichen an i jammed my finger in the cupboard door. i said oww...then found myself in tears. But i wernt crying cuz of tha, but cuz i didnt wan my boyfriend to die :S.

he was understanding an jus hugged me. i really didnt want to watch the rest of the film, but i did.

i dont no wats wrong with me. ive only eaten liquids today, could that have triggered it?

but i do think i have probelms with my dreams. i always dream that people i love die, and recently its always my boyfriend. i hate it. i find myself waking up crying all the time.

i wish it would stop.

well im going to sleep now. hopefully i wont dream of him dying again. god im so pathetic.

Friday, 2 January 2009

112lbs!i guess its what you get when you drink like a fish on new years eve.I havent properly exercised yet either. grrrr.but today i discovered i like prawns. i heard their healthy.well all seafood is reallyaccept for cod in batter.yuckk batter.fatening as fuck.anywaysss...going shopping on monday...i got a shit load of money an vouchers to spend in topshop + river island. :)so im goin to try an fast until monday. and if i can't fast i''ll do all the exercise i havent been doing.cuz im goin with one of my skinny friends. so i no ill feel fat when im grabbing the size 8 an shes having the size 6.i can fit into a size 6 but i doubt ill be able to now ive put on like...loads.an to think i was 105 eailer this week. :(

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"Thank God I have this ugly fat body for which to focus on and hate and spend all my time trying to fix, change, lessen. Thank God for exercise machines, and diet pills. Thank God for weightloss. Thank God I can try and fix the outside because I just know that the inside is beyond repair."