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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Hey! I’ll bet you already think Mae West is twice as cool as your own mother, but I thought you’d worship her as your new god once you heard a little extra this-and-that about this sexy actress-turned-fishwife. Without further ado, allow me to present some wild and crazy little-known facts about a little lady named Mae West!

Wild and Crazy Facts re: Mrs. Mae Cannula West

the unforgettable mae west

As a result of her parents’ tumultuous home life, Mae West had to overcome childhood disabilities stemming from the fact that she was born without anything resembling a human face. That which we’ve come to know today as Mae West’s signature look was actually the result of much work on Mae’s part, as she cobbled it together using bits from the faces deceased and/or especially generous children.

Though she officially entered the professional world at age three, as a hand-painter of messages on conversation hearts, Mae West made her break into show business ten years later, after being “discovered” at a studio party whilst sucking on discarded cigarette butts for sustenance. Later that day, she made her debut on the DuMont Television Network’s popular Dido McGillicuddy Show as “Lesser Moppet.”

Mae West broke social barriers in 1954 by becoming the first American woman of note to marry a mummy, which she did in Egypt, it being the only nation to permit human-mummy marriages at the time.

It was Mae West who set the Cuyahoga River on fire, and she did it with a single angry glare.

Contrary to popular belief, Mae West was actually murdered in 1973 — by a fiendish doppelganger, who, coincidentally, was also named Mae West. This imposter fooled the media and American theater-goers, but lived out the rest of the official Mae West timeline with a decidedly more sinister bent. Being murdered also considerably hampered her attempt to fly around the world in a zeppelin, which is little mentioned in existing records.

As a result of plots and schemes by this second, evil Mae West, Mae West now holds the world record for “most prolific murderer.”

Mae West died in 1992, obese and hated — particularly by the stable of children she kept in her basement. If you want to be technical about the matter, it was that very stable of children that killed her.