October 28, 2009 will mark 11 years since my born-again Christian experience began and in some ways I feel like I’m still where I started back then. Let’s be clear, God has done some miraculous things during this time – I have a LONG list of what God has done in and through me and life certainly wouldn’t have just ‘happened’ this way. Where I’m challenged right now is in that I am still the same – I struggle with my own humanity and all the messy things that come with it. I want the issues and struggles that have been brewing and stirring my whole life to be purely memories from before I “got saved”. I want to be fully living out all the wonderful ideas in my head about life in Godliness. But the reality is that I’m just as much a wretch in need of a savior as I was that night that I screamed out to the Lord in 1998.

I’m doing some of the hardest emotional work of my life right now – digging into all the whys of what I do. It’s difficult because everything – what I might consider good or bad – gets cross examined and a root is found. It’s unsettling to dig up that my drive to serve and help others is likely to lead to the same origin as my tendency to think negatively of myself. Because this is so difficult – it’s easy to become fearful or simply want to ignore it and when things are going “good” then why dig into it and mess it all up?

Well thank God for people who will help you dig. I met with a friend this week and ended up digging into some unsettling things about myself. Interestingly enough, it’s nothing new – but actually facing these things without running away or being pushed away is uncharted territory for me. I’m being reminded of God’s grace and his faithfulness through the physical presence of some close and trusted friends. I’m also painfully aware that while I socialize with a lot of people, I stink at reaching out for help or support.

So, I’m doing things differently… I’m in a very vulnerable place, but I know God is present. I’m choosing to be brave, to not walk away even if I am guilty of turning back. I want to see God’s Kingdom in me and me in it. I hear so many clamoring for their right to go with the status quo… I want to be all that God wants for me. Lord HELP!

I’ve got another action-packed weekend ahead, so I just wanted to get that out there. Thanks for reading and sharing in my life. As always feel free to comment below.