Rico Gagliano: Well, let me ask you this. For a lot of people, happiness would involve not working and clearly, you can’t stop yourself.

Dave Barry: Or, I thought you were going to go to, and you clearly figured out a way to not do anything useful with your life. Nothing productive. It’s almost like radio in that respect.

Rico Gagliano: Oh, oh.

Dave Barry: You sit around. No, but I can’t remember what the question was.

Rico Gagliano: The question was like, honestly. What gets you to the desk every day? Because this does require some work, I’m assuming.

Dave Barry: Well, I enjoy it. That’s really the truth. I work at home. I live in Miami and I walk out to the, across the patio.

Rico Gagliano: You’re too scared to drive.

Dave Barry: I don’t drive anywhere. No, I never drive anywhere.

Brendan Francis Newnam: What else would you do in Miami? I mean, just stay the hell out of the way of all the crazies.

Dave Barry: Yeah, which, I go out sometimes at two, three in the morning when the gunfire dies down. Just gets a little quiet. No, you know my tourism promotion slogan for Miami, don’t you? Okay, I’ll tell you.

Rico Gagliano: Yeah, let’s hear it.

Dave Barry: Come back to Miami. We weren’t shooting at you.

Rico Gagliano: All right.

Dave Barry: It’s much calmer down there than it used to be. We don’t have, when I first moved there which was in the mid ’80s.

Rico Gagliano: Yeah.

Dave Barry: This is literally true. The first time I ever got into a rental car at Miami International Airport and started driving, I passed a car with holes in the side of it and I said, what was that? And they go, those were bullet holes. And I thought, no, that’s gotta be the only car in Miami like this. No, there’s more than one.

Brendan Francis Newnam: You see them everywhere.

Dave Barry: No, I haven’t seen one in years. And to be honest, I miss them a little bit.

Rico Gagliano: The question is, how did they hear you from the trunk with your hands tied? Like, I don’t.

Dave Barry: That’s the other thing. They used to routinely find cars, rental cars, returned in Miami International Airport, you know, just left in the parking lot there, with bodies in the trunk.

Brendan Francis Newnam: What?

Dave Barry: Yes, deceased bodies.

Rico Gagliano: Well, Dave Barry. So one thing to keep yourself happy is to stay off the streets of Miami, apparently.

Dave Barry: Right.

Rico Gagliano: Let’s tell our audience some other things. Are you ready for these etiquette questions?

Dave Barry: Yes, fire away.

Rico Gagliano: Okay, here’s something from Cobalt in Des Moines, Iowa. Love that name. Cobalt asks, sometimes while using the ATM, I have come to quote, discover a person behind me, a bit too close for my liking, sort of invading my personal space while I’m carrying out private financial transactions. How does one make a firm yet polite request to keep some distance while using the ATM?

Dave Barry: Well, this is why I always carry a machete.

Rico Gagliano: Oh.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Miami’s taught you well, apparently.

Dave Barry: You don’t have to make a big deal about the machete. I’m saying, it doesn’t have to be used.

Dave Barry: You just use the tip of a machete. So you just show that you have, you don’t usually with most people, you don’t have to mention it to them. Just a mild, gentle brandish of the machete and your problems are just going to evaporate.

Dave Barry: I can’t believe that anybody in Des Moines would do anything bad to anybody else in Des Moines. I just really can’t. Des Moines isn’t, they’re just being friendly.

Rico Gagliano: Yeah, they just want to help you out. They want to help you pull the receipt out.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Yeah, don’t be so paranoid Cobalt, but also brandish a machete.

Rico Gagliano: So this next question comes from Thirsty in Chicago. Thirsty writes, if I see that everyone else at a party is drinking beer, is it gauche to ask for wine. In this setting, is it gauche to use the word gauche? It’s a two part question.

Dave Barry: That’s a two parter. Well, first, I mean, my first issue would be what kind of beer?

Rico Gagliano: Okay.

Dave Barry: Because if it’s light beer, not only should you ask for wine, you should spit in their beer. What happened to this country?

Rico Gagliano: Yeah.

Dave Barry: That’s all I want to know. What happened in this country? Light beer and low flow toilets. And they came in the same time, at around the same time. Country went straight to damn hell.

Rico Gagliano: America’s going to hell in a low flowing toilet.

Dave Barry: A low flowing toilet.

Rico Gagliano: Okay.

Dave Barry: But if it’s regular beer, it’s okay, I guess you could still, I would say yes, you can still ask for wine.

Rico Gagliano: Okay.

Dave Barry: Unless there’s a sign that says, we don’t have any wine.

Rico Gagliano: But can you use the word gauche in a beer question?

Dave Barry: Okay, gauche. That’s a good question.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Yeah.

Dave Barry: I’d say after a couple of beers, you can use the word gauche.

Brendan Francis Newnam: Yeah, you need to show them.

Dave Barry: Just show them that you’re one of them. You’re not a gauche saying kind of person.

Brendan Francis Newnam: That’s right.

Dave Barry: That won’t have a beer.

Rico Gagliano: And after a few beers, really, you can say anything.

Dave Barry: Who cares what you say? They won’t care.

Rico Gagliano: All right, here’s something from Jack in Santa Monica, California. Jack writes, this is amazing. There’s a congregant at my church who often wears a Bluetooth earpiece. It hasn’t ever rung during Mass but the optics are weird. Is he expecting a phone call? It seems like bad taste but am I off base, asks Jack. If not, how should I bring this up?

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After tackling pop culture catastrophes on TV's "Chelsea Lately," she landed her own sitcom called, crazily, "Whitney" and co-created the long-running hit "Two Broke Girls." She is also a staple on the stand-up circuit and she has a new memoir-of-sorts called "I'm Fine... And Other Lies." Listen as she doles out advice to fantasy football spouses, seemingly good samaritans, and more.

This week, Brendan enlisted the help of etiquette ambassadors Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning. Listen as they sit in the driver's seat for the segment and help our a listener deal with a spouse who grips their fork like a cave man, and more.