Category: Family & Kids

(A man and his four children are in the booth next to my family. I am four years old and am sitting next to my younger brothers. We are all quietly coloring at the table. The children at the next booth are climbing on top of the booth and playing with my father’s hat, throwing food, and running around the entire restaurant.)

Waiter: “Sir, your children are bothering other customers. They need to calm down, or you will have to leave.”

Other Dad: “They’re fine. They’re just running off some energy.”

(The waiter is called away to another table. The kids begin raising another ruckus. They are just getting to an unbearable level when a carrot lands on our table.)

Me:*sets crayon down* “Daddy, may I get up?”

My Dad: “Um, okay…”

(I march to the next table and assume an assertive stance with fists on hips.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. You really need to learn how to control your children.”

(I get back in my seat and resume coloring. The other dad turns bright red. He gathers his kids and hurries out of the restaurant just as their food arrives. Later, my parents ask for the check.)

Waiter: “Actually, sir, even if this meal wasn’t on the house, almost every other customer asked to cover your check for you.”

(20 years later, my mom still calls this her proudest parenting moment. We even got a $50 gift certificate out of it!)

(We’re selling our old pushchair. It was a gift and not really suitable. Despite it being pretty new and in excellent condition we are selling it for a fraction of the cost. We get a buyer and arrange a date to collect. The buyer and her young child knocks on the door.)

Buyer: “Hi. I’m here for the pushchair.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, great. Well as you can see, it is as-new. We must have only used it a few times.”

(Having been married just one month, I am very precious and careful with my wedding ring. I take it off only to wash my hands. I’m in a shopping mall bathroom and have just taken my ring off and set it on top of my bag next to me. At the sink next to me is a girl about the age of 12.)

Girl: “Hey mum! Look what I found!”

Mum:*in a loud whisper* “Put that in your pocket! Show me later!”

(They begin to leave. I reach for my ring and find it gone! I see the girl just shoving my ring into her pocket with a big smile on her face.)

(I start to cry. With the mum yelling at me, the chaos brings a security guard running over.)

Mum: “Thank God! This b**** is trying to steal my baby girl’s ring!”

Me: “No, no, it’s my wedding ring. I took it off for a moment and she took it!”

Girl: “She’s lying! It’s mine!”

Guard: “Enough!” *to me* Do you have any proof it’s yours?”

(I’m still crying and try to describe it, but the girl and her mum keep screaming over me. The guard has to yell at them to get them to quiet down. At last, he looks at my long thin fingers, and the girl’s very short chubby ones, and he winks at me.)

(The guard forces the girl to hand it over, with the mum screaming the whole time. Of course, the ring doesn’t get anywhere near fitting her, and is a perfect fit on me. The guard calls the police and they both get banned from the store. My husband and I are still very good friends with the guard; in fact, he’s marrying my husband’s sister next year!)

(I’m standing in line at a Black Friday sale, waiting to check out my purchases. We’ve been standing about 45 minutes as the lines are very, VERY long. There is a man all by himself, with no cart and no purchases, standing two customers in front of me. All of a sudden his wife pulls two carts over, with their daughter pushing another one. All three carts are filled completely. They push through the line and get in with him. One of the customers in the line speaks up.)

Customer #1: “Hey! You can’t just cut in line like that. We’ve been waiting an hour. Get to the back!”

Cutting Customer: “You can kiss my a**, b****! That little p**** is going to learn it one way or the other. He’s an ugly little SOB with that hair cut, anyway!”

My Son: “I’m growing my hair to donate to kids with cancer, like my best friend!”

(The cutting customer’s daughter decides to speak up.)

Cutting Customer’s Daughter: “Your little f** friend should just die. Why do they give them treatments for that s*** anyway? I hope he dies, you little a**-wipe.”

(My four-year-old son starts crying, asking me if his friend is going to die. I try to calm him down. Meanwhile, my friend gets the manager of the store.)

Manager: “Ma’am, this woman just told me what you said to her son and that you cut in line. I’m going to ask you once to please move to the back of the line; otherwise, you’ll need to leave the store.”

Cutting Customer: “Now, you look here! You can’t make us move. We’re buying more than $1000 worth of stuff here! And that b**** and her snot nosed kid got what they deserved.”

(The manager gets on his walkie-talkie and has security escort them out. Upon the managers and several customers suggestions, we file verbal harassment charges on the customers who cut in. The manager made a donation for $500 to the charity that my son’s friend had out in my son’s name. We cut his hair three months later, donating 18 inches, which they made into a wig. His friend made a full recovery, by the way. They both donate their hair about every five years.)