Yesterday I went to the funeral of my cousin’s 4 year old son, who died in a car accident. A perfectly healthy child, gone in an instant. I’ve been heartbroken for my cousin, what an unbearable loss to experience. I simply cannot imagine what she must be feeling. I simply cannot imagine how she will move forward from this loss.

I always look for meaning in the things that happen. I have a child with a diagnosed “early expiration date”. I know Nathan is fragile. And I am realizing more and more what a miracle he is. To be with us 9 years. To have the wonderful life he has. To continue smiling through all his tribulations. To be here, breathing. What an incredible opportunity to share with this beautiful soul.

My aunt died last week, at only 66 years old, in a car accident. Waqar, a programmer who used to work for me, died a couple of days ago of a sudden heart attack. He was 36.

Death is on my mind. A lot. How sudden it can be. The ultimate loss of control – we can’t control when, or how we die. Our last moments with others. What words are left unsaid or feelings unexpressed.

Nathan has been diagnosed with an early expiration date. He wasn’t supposed to take a single breath. He is here, with us, 9.5 years later. Yet I don’t want to live in denial. He could outlive us. But he fights huge odds every day. Breathing is an issue with him. Every illness takes a toll on him. I still don’t sleep through the night, always worried that he may simply stop breathing one night.

But then again, I may die before him. In fact, I may die today.

In Buddhism, you are taught to meditate on this every day. It’s the ultimate course correction for life. If we believe we may die at any point in our lives, we’ll let go of a lot of expectations, unnecessary emotions, fear, control, and other harmful things that derail our lives. Some believe it’s a depressing way to live. I used to find this liberating – back when I had the time and energy to think about these things.

But this is the year. The way this year has started, I’d be an idiot not to hear the lesson – loud and clear. Pay attention. Any of us can die at any time. Don’t waste time. Seize this life! Enjoy it! Love, live, enjoy it to the max!

To celebrate this, I created a vision board – something I haven’t done in years.

A dear friend encouraged me to get back to blogging. Write a short post every few days, she suggested. Don’t over-complicate. Keep it simple.

So here I am. It’s been YEARS.

2016 has started with deep lessons. With the loss of my Lola, I’ve been reminded of how precious life is, how quickly it can be taken away, and the deep loss it can leave in its wake. I knew her time would soon come, but I hate that it happened when I wasn’t there for her. I wanted to hold her while she died, I wanted her to know how deeply she’d been loved and appreciated. Instead she died alone, after 12 years of being our faithful companion. And there’s nothing I can do about it. And it makes me so sad.

Instead of grieving for the way she died, I will choose to pay attention to this beautiful teaching, and remember the value of every moment we have with those we love.