Gisele: The Anti-Porny

It’s easy to hate on Gisele; it’s doubly easy to hate on her if you are a mom. She looks disgustingly great while she is pregnant and did a bikini photo shoot 2 months after giving birth to Benjamin. If I saw Gisele at the playground, I would waddle away in shame.

And in case you didn’t know, Jessica Simpson is not a supermodel, ok? And that means it’s ok for us not to be supermodels, you guys! Are these our only options, Gisele or Jessica? Well then we are f-cked.

What Lainey posted yesterday is bang on in every way (was my email ragey? Ok I guess kind of, but only because Jessica Simpson annoys me so bad), and the opposite of what Jessica said is true as well. Gisele has said it and we all hated her for it.

After giving birth to her first son Benjamin, Gisele declared: “I did kung fu up until two weeks before Benjamin was born, and yoga three days a week. I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”

Cue the indignant cries of “we are not garbage disposals!” from preggos. OK, but when someone eats an excessive amount of junk food and pigs out on macaroni and cheese (or “indulges,” in Jessica-speak) they are treating their body like a garbage disposal.

Which we all do sometimes (I ate a corn dog last week, it was great). But let’s not celebrate Jessica for being candid about her experience with her body and then sh-t on Gisele for the same thing. Gisele has to watch what she eats and stay active in order to not gain weight – that is the most relatable thing in the world.

And Gisele is no angel, I know. I roll my eyes as hard as you do over her breastfeeding laws and no-pain labour, but can you hate on one person for being mindful and educated about her body and then celebrate someone who signed a $4 million Weight Watchers contract to deal with this exact issue… and then claims ignorance about how stuff works?

No one expects Jessica to be Gisele or Miranda Kerr or Heidi Klum; she was never a model to begin with. But by comparing herself to something she never was, she instantly shuts down any criticism of her marketing tactics. It’s all “don’t criticize my body until I am looking my best, then please objectify me and discuss it ad nauseum.” Seriously, can she do an interview without mentioning her boobs? Just once?

And let’s get really real here: Jessica is trying to curry favour with women that struggle to lose baby weight or weight in general. Don’t listen to her because, as Lainey pointed out, she’s lying (and much more than Gisele ever has): her appeal to the “everyday” woman discounts the team of help she has behind her and the millions riding on her ability to convince you that she’s just a downhome hardworking mom like you. She’s trying to tap into post-partum insecurity and body issues to wring the most out of her brand and that’s what’s making her a giant asshole.