Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Day 285

Here I was again. I say "again" like this was as common an occurrence as brushing my teeth... but in all reality I'd only been here once before. The here and now was all too familiar; the meaningless days and sleepless nights. I was beginning to consider myself flawed to a fault. I had improved though, as hard as it was for me to admit. I could still move, live and eat; but inside it was the same. The same hopeless feeling and the same utter nothingness that filled my already empty world. I had no way to explain it. Acting like nothing is wrong... had somehow become a part of me and I could no longer tell what was real anymore. What had I been thinking ? What delusional frame of mind had I been in ? Hadn't I learned my lesson ? Apparently not.

I stared at that ceiling for as long as I could without blinking. The ceiling gazed back with the cold, dark stare that could outlast even my most impressing of attempts. I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes it was like an awful song replaying over and over again; enough to drive me insane. Taking out the bag of Halloween candy I kept stashed underneath my bed, I slowly unwrapped whatever I grabbed first. Of course it would be taffy and all the kinds of candy I always hated because there was no way I'd let the good ones last this long. But, to my surprise I had somehow grabbed the last pack of M & M's left in my pillow sheet bag. The moment of happiness I found when I saw that slight stroke of luck enclosed in the brown paper bag was gone as quickly as it came. Frustrated, I turned out all distractions in my room and even unplugged my clock; blaming it's light on my insomnia. I knew better.

The next morning blew in with a storm, the first one I'd seen in a while...but then again I hardly paid attention anymore. It's soothing wind lulled me back to sleep for another hour before I realized I was late for work. Now the storm was screaming at me, screaming just like I wanted to. Screaming because it could. It was free to rain down it's fury on everyone and everything, soaking them in it's torrential anger. I wanted to be a storm, no, I wanted to be a hurricane.