Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I was in the checkout line at Wal-mart....having a very peaceful morning. Nothing to distract me, nobody to bother me, just me and the checkout machine. You could say that I was very self absorbed in my shopping experience.

I headed to the door and out of the corner of my eye I see this lady coming for me. She caught me off guard.....

Wal-mart Lady: "Mamm...would you like a bottle of Coke this morning?"

Me: "No Thank You"

Wal-mart Lady: "Really? It's free"

Me: "No...but thank you"

Wal-mart Lady: "How do you not want a free Coke?"

Me: "I'm not sure, I just really don't want one" (now we are both starting to laugh and I"m taking more time in this conversation than I really wanted to)

Wal-mart Lady: "I have tried to give away free Coke all morning and nobody will take any! I don't know what the problem is"

Me: "Well, I think it because usually, when we (as consumers) are given something that is free, we are suckered into coming over to the table, looking at the rest of the product, analyzing something, and then well, buying something else"

The Wal-mart Lady agreed, and thought she may need a different approach.

Me: "Tell you what, I will take your first bottle of Coke today and listen to anything you want to tell me"

Wal-mart Lady: "Really, I don't have anything to say...I just wanted you to have a free Coke" (She says while laughing with a huge smile)

Wow! How many times have you looked away when someone wanted to give you something for free? It's usually at the fair! "Here...take this sample...oh and if you have time...let's set up an appointment"

It made me think on the way home, how many times does God try to give us something, and we turn our head the other way? Come over to his table, eat his food, drink his "coke" (okay...not really) but you get the picture. How many times do we take it forgranted what it is that we should be receiving?

This Sunday is going to be a huge day for me. It will be normal for everyone else around me, but in my heart, it is bigger than ever. I get to celebrate once again on a Sunday morning how much my God loves me and I love Him. I feel sorry for people that are believers, but don't go to church. How can you possibly be living for the Lord when your not celebrating his life each week with His children? I got over "playing church" long ago and started "living church". I don't do it all right but I do try. I want my God to be the center of my attention in all that I do. I know I screw that up all the time. Okay....DAILY! But he loves me anyway and I love that about Him. He allowed me to go through a hard year just to see how much my heart really needed Him.

If I can convey what I'm trying to say is that don't take forgranted what you have. Not at home,not at work, not in your neighborhood, not at church and not at Wal-mart. Tomorrow it could be gone. Today it could be gone. Savor every moment. Live in His peace. Live in His presence. Dance with everyone watching. Live like everybody is watching. Love like everybody is watching. Praise like everybody is watching so that when others see you, they may see the God in you.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Last night I worked my last "official" night as a permanent employee. Now I'm on call and um...yeah...they waste no time. I've already been called in for tonight.

Last night was a bitter sweet night. We were busy! And I also have a dear friend that is fighting for his life while I am there working.

Sometimes in our profession, we have to step to the side and let God do His work. My friend, by all clinical means, should not be alive right now. But when we gave up, God took over and has given us 3 more priceless days with him. I look forward to each minute he still has here on earth and we are all giving God the glory.

Friday, October 26, 2007

When I started this blog I said I would never blog about the bad days but quite frankly, I can't do that today. The past 24 hours for me has been what I consider hell. (there, now my blog is no longer rated G)

My children are at an age now where they are trying to claim and find their independence. So much that it is at my expense.

I love them dearly, but in the past 24 hours they have treated me worse than they would treat our dog. Doesn't make me love them less, but sure makes me not like their behavior at that moment.

I reached an all time high breaking point this morning with emotional overload. I called several people, but none answered. I think it was a sign that God just wanted me to deal with it at that moment alone and rely on Him.

But what I feel is I can no longer do this. I can't be all things to all people. I only have what I have and that's it. I give all of myself away to everyone else and save nothing for me. Even though I feel I am one of the most selfish persons in the world, I give it all away! My love, my heart, my time, my everything so that for one moment, I can see someone smile. That makes me feel good inside! Where did I go wrong?

Today was supposed to be a good day. I have my recital later today and now...the words of this song I will sing will be so profound it's not even funny. Not even sure I can make it through. I sit here and cry, have trouble breathing, and just can't compose myself any longer. I can't walk in with a smile and say I'm okay. I'm not.

I don't ask for prayers, because I'm too prideful. I don't like being vulnerable. It's a hard concept for me to know that when I am down, others are there to pick me up. I don't like people to see me cry and moreso, I don't like them to see me angry. Today, the real me decided to come out and play and we haven't been having a good time. The sympathetic me is wiping the tears of the real me and still searching for the part of me that is just willing to let it all go and be free to be me.

2 nights ago, I suggested we go to Panara Bread to get a change of scenery. I had an excellent dinner but had very little success connecting to the internet. I tried my best not to get frustrated, but it did not work. I finally gave up and felt bad for leaving Theresa there to study by herself. But the frustration took over because my classes are online. I needed internet! I went home and all was fine. I was able to finish a project that night.

Last night, we decided to go to IHOP but instead of going to our usual place on 71st, I suggest 31st since it's closer to my house. Well, we get there and guess what....NO INTERNET! My thoughts were not even right at this moment. I was extreemly frustrated but felt I kept a pretty level head compared to the night before. So we had only ordered drinks and decided to pack everything up and head to 71st where we belong. But just to add one little note here, I was frustrated that we had to pay for a full cup of coffee that wasn't drank, and my pop was only 1/2 gone. You think they would have been sympathetic enough to not charge us. But no. We pay, and we're gone.

We get to 71st and it feels like home! Yes, IHOP feels like home now. We have the best service, the internet works like a charm and all is well. I wanted to be home before 10:00 and we didn't leave until 11:00.

The frustrated me is the part of me I don't like. Anyone can tell by the look on my face when I am frustrated. My eyes can never tell a lie. People usually see right through me.

I wonder if Jesus EVER got frustrated. It's certainly a trait that I do not want to continue to carry. When there is an emotion such as anger, frustration, diappointment, etc. I try to think of something that I can usually put in it's place. For me, it's usually laughter and happiness. At this point in the semester it's really hard to find something to be happy about when I'm thinking of school work. But I have so much to be happy about, such a great family that I love, friends that I couldn't live without, and a God who loves me no matter what my attitude is.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Do you ever wonder in life just how many times you forget to tell someone that you love them? There is one person at church that reminds me every week that I should never foget to tell Chad how much I love him everyday. Well, I believe that I probably do tell him everyday, but it's usually late in the evening and the whole day has gone by without me letting him know. There's something special about Chad. It's in his eyes, his smile, his heart, and quite frankly, I feel I am way too lucky to have him in my life. Do we argue? Yes! Do we agree? Yes! Do we love eachother unconditianally? Yes!

I think the older I have have gotten, the more I have grown to love his sense of humor and his playful attitude. Does he push my buttons? Absolutely! But I love him for challanging me to be different as well as being myself.

I love him today, loved him yesterday, and will love him for an eternity. I can't imagine life without him.

Monday, October 22, 2007

You take a risk with something nearly every moment in some way, you just don't realize it.

What do you think we risk by tackling the important things in life and letting the little things go? How do you know what is little and what is big?

Today...my house is a mess. No...it's a wreck. Now, there are 5 people in this house and I've been gone the past 48 hours so I know I didn't totally let this go all by myself. I truly had help in not doing anything! ;o) But why do I care? Nobody comes over! Nobody but me will see it! It's just me living in a house of chaos! (note: it will be clean by 1:00 ha!)

What happens is I have negelected it. I've neglected to sort things, clean things, do laundry, and put things away. I negelected to prioritize my week last week so everything didn't get done.

what would happned if I did that with my spiritual walk? If I neglect my inner spirit, then what happens to my spiritual life? It too would be in chaos!

Constantly God tells us not to ignore the great salvation of God! Hebrews 2:1-4 (The Message)It's crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we've heard so that we don't drift off. If the old message delivered by the angels was valid and nobody got away with anything, do you think we can risk neglecting this latest message, this magnificent salvation? First of all, it was delivered in person by the Master, then accurately passed on to us by those who heard it from him. All the while God was validating it with gifts through the Holy Spirit, all sorts of signs and miracles, as he saw fit.

Long ago David gave us these words that we can always run back to: Psalm 119:14-16."I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.I delight in your decrees;I will not neglect your word."

When I choose to live in the worldly chaos, I do neglect His word and that is one thing I can not risk! Are you willing to risk living any other way?

Monday, October 15, 2007

I just finished working the strangest weekend I have ever worked. Not necessarily because of "what" I did but "how long" I worked. I worked a total of 38.5 hours in 48 hours. That does not provide enough sleep at all. There's a tremendous need in the medical profession and well, I am a part of that need. I'm happy to do it, but I don't ever want to work like that again.

There is a strange thing about sleep deprivation. You start to see things that are not there, your entire body aches and well, you're just not yourself. When talking to Theresa last night, she would tell me that the things I have been saying are so random. I know I didn't make any sense at all and then when I tried, well, it just got worse. It will take me a few days to catch up on my sleep and get back to normal.

So my countdown is now in the teens. I can't wait! I'll be sad to not be with my work family every weekend, but not enough that I am willing to give up anymore time at church.

Over the past week I have received 13 letters from Universities awaiting my transfer to their college for me to complete my BSN and MSN. It's helped so much being part of the honor society. So today was my 13th letter and here are the places that have called: University of Texas at Tyler University of Pheonix University of Southern Alabama University of Oklahoma University of Southern Mississippi Oklahoma Baptist University Oklahoma State University Oklahoma Weslleyan University St. Xavier University in Illinois Walden University in Baltimore Vanderbuilt University Philadelphia University Texas A&M in Corpus ChristiI also received 2 strange calls! One from the Army and one from the Marines! When they asked me why I wouldn't consider a medical career with them, I said, I'm too old, too tired and have too many kids. I think I've already been through bootcamp!

So, I'll give you one opportunity to guess which University I will choose! There si one I would really like to go to...and then one I will be going to! Anyone care to take a guess at those two?

I use to be really good at listening and making eye contact. It was something I practiced often.

Over the past year, with all the changes in my life, I have noticed that I'm not always that great of a listener and my eye contact....well...it has become uncomfortable once again.

Wednesday night at church, I was walking down the hall and spoke with one woman but totally disregarded another for a few moments. For one thing, I NEED to start wearing my glasses. From a distance, I didn't even recognize her. Then I totally engaged in another conversation with the other woman while the one I ignored just stood by helplessly. When I turned my head and made direct eye conctact with her, I was toatlly humiliated! I was on a mission to pick up the kids, but totally disregarded a friend and sister in Christ. She didn't act offended but we did have a good laugh about it.

Do you ever feel disregarded at church? I can't say that I do and I don't want to do that to others. Is it possible for a minister or elder to feel disregarded on any given Sunday? You think since they are in the spotlight, that everyone regards who they are.

I pray today that God opens my eyes to see past my moments of rushing around to pick up kids, to regard those that may need a hug today.

I will spend forever making sure this person is acknowledged everytime I see her again!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Yesterday, my mom asked me if I had any extra backpacks laying around. I thought of one and told her I would send it to school tomorrow. She has a little boy in the class who is bringing one that is torn and well, just not even fit for a child to carry around. She could go buy one, but she knows me well enough that I probably have extra. When we were walking out of school, I told Lukus there is a boy in need of one and we're going to give him one of ours. To my surprise.....Lukus said: "Here mom, I'll take my stuff out of this one and the boy can have mine" My heart was overjoyed! This is my boy!

So this got me thinking. Christmas is coming up. So I asked the kids yesterday, "If you could have one gift, and one only for Christmas, and nothing else...would you be happy?" Now, it took a couple of moments and thoughts in their heads but I went on....

"I am thinking about not giving gifts at all this year and just going and helping the poor...finding a homless man...giving him a blanket...taking them gloves, hats, even food....what do you guys think?"

Well...the wheels started turning in their minds and they started coming up with all the things they could do.

Emilie said: Do you think we could ask people to donate some blankets, or even the gloves or hats?

Lukus said: Why don't we just take our blankets and give them away?

Ian said: I can get any gift I want??? (Okay..he was still off subject...but I knew his heart was there)

So, we're looking at taking our kids downtown and to the places in Tulsa where people don't want to go and give them something at christmas to put a smile on their face and make their day. It won't be much...as we don't have much, but we have a lot...and knowing my kids want to be givers instead of takers, touches my heart!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Something I use to do very well is give up! I lived of a life of thinking I wasn't loved and if I disappeared, nobody would notice.

Well...life changed for me about 6 years ago and I've never thought that since. Instead of Satan attacking me personally now, he goes after everything else I love in life. But still, I choose to never give up.

There were, and are today, people in my life who have and will never give up on me. I recognize that there are people out in the world that are suffering from the disappointing lies that Satan is telling them about themselves. They need to know how much they are loved.

Do someone a favor today and this week and if you know of someone that might not be told often enough, tell them how much you love them. You may just assume that someone is very loved and they may be so empty on the inside.

Send a card, an e-mail, a phone call, let them know how much they mean to you in your life. One day they may be gone and you will never get this opportunity. Don't let it slip by. Just when you think they may know is probably just about the time they need to hear it. Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8

Monday, October 08, 2007

I only have 3 weekends left until my schedule at work changes. I think I'm quite excited about this. Really...no...I'm REALLY EXCITED about this. The past year and a half have gone by fast at times and very slow at times. I recognize the slow times as a way to draw me farther from our Father. But now that it's here, I really feel like this time has flown by.

I had many opportunites to minister to our patients. Many times to pray with them, hold their hand and cry with them. It makes me realize that all the work I am going through is worth it in the end.

I wonder what God would say to me when I get to Heaven? Would he say "This is what I intended for you to do" Would he say "You did a great job"Would he say "You sacrificed enough" Would he say "Job well done"

I know, I know, he'd say all those things and so much more. He makes me feel good about the road I am taking in life. He gives me so many opportunites to minister everyday, and then gives me opportunities to be ministered to. Life is one big ministry. I'm so happy to be a part of it.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The storm came rolling in! I'm starting to think like Theresa when I take pictures! Waiting...waiting...waiting! Ian is great at crashing bumper cars! Don't even ask! Foot massage anyone?Let's fly the kites!!! Do you see what I see? Oh no! We're going up! We rode this many times! Some great moments to share from the fair. Yes, we did get to ride rides before the rain came in.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Today I sit here and deal with an ugly situation in my life. I can cope with it. It's really no big deal. I'm not sad, depressed, upset, and hey..I'm not even crying. (this is a first) However, what frightens me the most is how much of a role I can see Satan playing in this. That's scary for me. Nothing frightens me more than Satan does. The thought of looking him in the face and watching him laugh terrifies me. However, I do it everyday. I see sin around me, beside me and in front of me. How I deal with it is important.

God answers my prayers. He does so every day. I see it, I hear it and it is very evident what he does for me. For that I am so greatful! It seems when God is blessing me beyond belief, Satan is doing everything possible to get me to screw up.

I have only 4 weekends left at work before I can spend time once again with my church family. I believe that Satan is a mad as fire about that. I'm sure he is spitting nails right now. And that's okay. There are going to be aspects of this change that I am sure he is going to try to affect. Most of all, financially. I think he will do his best to try and hit us where it hurts, and we are already bracing ourselves for a rough ride. This past year has been one that he has had such glory in making miserable for me. I have faced evil, deciet, tempation, lies, gossip, and so much more. Some of them appeared slower and some of them all hit at the same time. I have noticed that the closer we get to the end of October, the worse some of this is getting. The force that he is putting on me is huge. The weight of some things that I am facing are becoming more and more difficult. Last night I wondered why. And that's when I figured it out. I've made Satan so mad that he's doing everything he can to get me to screw up. And screw up big.

But no. I can't let that happen. I can't allow his power to over step the power that God has given me. I'm strong and I can handle whatever I face. I feel over the past year I have stared Satan in the face many times. This is not a game. This is real life stuff. Stuff that could make or break me and through the power of prayer, I can and will overcome.

I called Theresa last week and asked her "Are you not praying hard enough for me?" I had just about had all I could take. But realized that it wasn't her that needed to be on her knees for me...it was me that needed to spend more time in prayer.

God heard my plea and answered. I faced Satan again yesterday, but with a huge shield of armor of God around me. My eyes are open, they see clearly, and I know that God has never left me, he just needs me to think for myself and not give up. Through all of this, he has made me a much stronger woman than I could have ever imagined.