The gist of your latest bizarre tale of how the human spirit always manages to persevere even in times of tragedy concerns this little boy Paul, who fell and cut his knee and then the wound got infected and everyone was scared he was going to have to amputate his leg and then his parents discovered that he literally had a sea snail growing inside of his leg that Paul has now kept as a pet and named Turbo. Exhale.

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If you've ever wondered if it's possible to write about something so gross that every hair on your body stands end while you're trying to type — yes, it's possible. Will you survive? Paul did, but I may not. Only time will tell.