HOW to forgive, and why you should.

HOW to forgive, and why you should.

About the most common ‘excuse’ I hear in comments on my Facebook page is ‘it’s easier said than done’, to which I generally respond ‘everything is easier said than done’.I mean, really! Do you know anything that’s not easier said than done? I can see with some people though that it’s code for ‘that’s too hard and I’m not even going to try’.

And if you’re not going to try to forgive it’s generally because you’re very attached to being upset about the thing that happened to you, (or sometimes the thing you think happened to you – some people like to hold onto every slight they think was directed at them when very often they’ve not been so intended).

Firstly, let’s understand what forgiveness is and what it isn’t. Few people differentiate between the notion of forgiveness on the one hand, and the notion of approval or disapproval on the other. I can disapprove of someone’s behaviour and still forgive them for it. This is often a misunderstanding that traps people into not forgiving; really and truly, forgiving is about releasing you, not them. They will be bound by their own karma and if appropriate the judgement of others around them if not the law. No point you keeping them bound up in your own emotions and feelings – why would you?! They wronged you – why do you want to keep them around in your head?!

Secondly, here’s why you should forgive.

When you don’t forgive you stay stuck to the thing that happened and that keeps you from living in the present. Many of us are stuck to things that happened in our past, sometimes even without knowing. Most often though it’s the thing that happened 5 years ago, or maybe even 10; that horrible boss that ‘made my life miserable’, or the relationship that broke up, or maybe even the time I was beaten up and mugged.

Generally there’s a lot of emotion attached to this event, mostly anger, often shame. By not letting go of the event from your past and forgiving those involved, you’ve been carrying around that anger and shame all that time. For many it will have lead into a depression as well. None of that powerful emotional response is doing you any good and in fact it’s doing you a lot of harm – it’s literally damaging your insides.

As long as you’re living in the past, you’re not living in the present. And if you’re not living in the present, then all the good things you’d like to happen in your life right now are finding it very difficult to find their way to you through all that emotion and your lack of presence.

Next, in order to get to the how, there are some important mechanics of your mind that you need to understand.

We are not our thoughts or emotions. But we think we are. We think our thoughts define our intelligence and even our character, but they don’t. What defines our intelligence and our character is what we choose to do with our thoughts and how we manage our emotions. (Don’t confuse this with our knowledge, which is a different thing again.)

Most of us are very attached to our thoughts and emotions. Mostly that’s because we have this wrong view that our thoughts are who we are. And so when we’re angry or sad or even excited, we think that it’s us that’s feeling those things, whereas in fact it’s simply that angry and sad thoughts are just circulating within us.

Which leads to a key aspect of the how of forgiveness.

Key is to detach yourself from the emotions you’ve attached to the person and/or event. Those emotions are not who you are; they don’t define you, except insomuch as they are keeping you rooted in the past. And meantime those emotions are literally killing you. Do you want to be a person stuck in the past? Do you want to be destroyed by your emotions?

Truthfully a lot of people do want to be defined by what happened to them. It’s as though it gives them some purpose to have something to be so upset about it. It can also be a way to avoid taking responsibility for your life now; they can get to say I’m like this because this happened, or My life is this way because this person hurt me.

We do get hurt, all of us. We’ve all been hurt by people we love. It’s horrible. Sometimes they don’t know they’ve hurt us and sometimes maybe they do. It’s normal to feel hurt – I’m not suggesting otherwise. But sometimes we hang onto that hurt too long. Most run-of-the-mill hurt can be released quite quickly. Broken heart hurt can take several months, maybe even a year or two. But if it takes longer, and if during that time it defines so much of how you’re living, then you need to take a look at it and be a little tougher about letting it go.

These days, if a friend slights me, or more to the point if I feel slighted (I don’t have friends anymore that do anything like this on purpose), I can usually have moved on in an hour max, preferably just a few minutes. Maybe even a few seconds. I’m not interested in being angry – I don’t feel good when I’m angry, and I want to feel happy and peaceful. Because when I’m happy and peaceful, well… I’m happy and peaceful.

Another very useful to tool is to write a letter to our perpetrator, although rarely one that you’d actually send in my experience. It’s important you do this on paper, not on your computer. Write everything you want to say to this person, don’t stop, write, write, write, until you can write no more. Then have a little ritual burning of those pages. Repeat this process every time the need comes up to have to rant at that person about how they’ve hurt you. It may take several go’s before you feel you’ve got it out of your system.

The other thing I find useful when I find something from the past starting to grow large in my head, apart from putting my thoughts elsewhere, is to literally take my index and middle fingers and go snip, snip, snip as though I’m cutting the ties that bind that person or event to me now.

And when those thoughts come, don’t indulge them. We do tend to want to indulge them. It’s a part of telling ourselves that we are okay, to play things over in our heads, but in my experience it blows up into a much bigger thing in seconds, so when they come into your head, quickly move your thoughts elsewhere. This will take practice. It may take a lot of practice, but if you want to think and feel better then you have to do this. You’ve spent most of your life attached to your thoughts, thinking they’re who you are; it takes time to retrain this. Most of us want to be able to make the pain go away and retrain our thoughts in a flash; as if we could sit down at a piano for the first time and become a concert pianist. Not only do you have to start playing very simple pieces, but you also have to practice for hours a day for years and years and years. It’s the same with your mind and your emotions.

Finally a note about ‘forgive and forget’. A lot of people will say I can forgive but I’ll never forget. There’s two important things I’ve noticed about this.

One is that most people say this with such a vehemence that it’s very obvious they’ve got nowhere near forgiving. There’s often a lot of bitterness packed into that statement and if you’re carrying bitterness you haven’t forgiven. Maybe you’ve said the words, but you haven’t actually done it. When you forgive you release the bitterness.

The other thing is that of course we do indeed learn, particularly in relationships, notwithstanding the ability of many of us to continue to make the same relationship mistakes over and over. When we have learned, rather than saying I can forgive but I’ll never forget, the better comment is I’ve forgiven and I’ve learned – emphasis on the ‘and’, rather than the ‘but’ of I’ll never forget.

Frankly I think it’s fine if you also say I’ve forgiven and BOY! have I learned!It’s great to affirm, as powerfully as we can, when we really have moved on; to celebrate that achievement, because it surely is one.

So yes, it’s not easy – sometimes it takes years – and it sure is easier said than done, but it’s kind of a waste of time to say so. Get on with the actual business of forgiveness.

9 Responses to “HOW to forgive, and why you should.”

I love your writing about forgiviness!!!! I am actually going to put it to use in my life as I’ve begun to change, how to find happiness in my life! Sure I’ve been hurt and I’ve had some bad breaks in my life but I truly believe that forgiving is the answer!!!! I believe that is how you reach a state of happiness !!!! It’sounds as if this is the only way the Law of attraction can work !!!! Mabey if you get a chance you might drop me an email telling me if I’ve got the right thought of thinking here ? 324robin@gmail.com

So true every word of what you have said. I was abused as a young up coming girl by my father. I was so messed up for so many years. I’m not sure what happened, but I have forgiven him. It correlated with my faith in God. I asked for help and I received it. I have let the past go. It happened, it’s over, and I truly have forgiven him. There is a freedom associated with that that is indescribable. I now take responsibility for my actions instead of blaming him.
He is passed on. He screwed up for whatever his reasons were. But it’s finally over. Yours words speak truth.

I’m a “young” senior and have forgiven many times in my life but but after a 2 yr relationship with a sociopath (not realizing it at the time) find it very hard to release the ill feelings towards those involved that have changed my world and how I feel about myself. It was a happiness I now realize was an illusion and am no longer able to believe in myself or others. It is a hard reckoning at this stage in one’s life. His life hasn’t missed a beat and yet the fabric of mine is forever altered. Such is the nature of a sociopath – they fool everyone. They always come out smelling like a rose and have no remorse for what hurt they cause their “victim”. Know forgiveness is the key to letting go of the pain but just knowing he is immune to the negative effect he causes is hard to wrap my head around to genuinely forgive him. I will keep trying though… As you mentioned it takes time (even though I’ve been trying for over a year already).

I always read articles like this because I am sure I have not forgiven my husband for things he has done in the past. The stumbling block for me is that it isn’t in the ‘past’. He is still essentially doing the same things, albeit in a lesser way, because he hasn’t grown or matured enough to change. I guess some people might say try counselling (several attempts/years unsuccessfully) or I should leave him. When you’ve been married for 45 years with children and grandchildren and no financial independence, that is unthinkable for me and him. The only sense I can make of the act of forgiveness is that I have to forgive him for who he was, is, and always will be! We are both 65 years old.

Thanks for your comment, Lillian. These are very difficult circumstances and ones I see many people in. In my experience the thing is actually to change the way you see him, and this can literally over time change the way he is. I’ve seen this happen a few times and takes a lot of effort but it’s worth it of course. This is the Law of Attraction in motion. You literally have to re-imagine who he is and keep that picture in your mind at all times. This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but it is totally possible. It’s literally almost like living in a fantasy world where you’re married to the man of your dreams.

I’m sure you will have tried everything else I could possibly suggest to you and there’s not a lot of advice one can give in a message like this, and without knowing what it is that he does, is it possible though to disregard the things he does and accept him for those? I’m guessing not and that may sound condescending so my apologies.

The counselling option would be for him, if you can get him to go. Surely he is not happy either. xo

Thanks Sue for your long and considered reply. We have both had extensive separate and couples counselling and whilst I have grown considerably this has actually ‘widened’ the gap between us. It is difficult to cover all our issues but the main one is, he lies for every reason possible including not being able to admit he lies. You can appreciate I’m sure, that lack of trust at all levels and in many different circumstances is destructive to a healthy relationship. I have trained to be a counsellor so i understand a lot of his reasons for lying come from an insecure place but some are just about manipulation and getting his own way. I truly believe he is not able to relate to people in an honest, assertive and healthy way ( maybe borderline personality disorder). As I said, I don’t think he will ever change (grow-up) unless he wants to and maybe that’s too frightening. Forgiveness is always about things in the past or expressed using the past tense and a loosely based understanding that the ‘bad’ thing won’t happen again. In my case this isn’t true and it breaks my heart that we can’t have a more satisfying and loving relationship. I realise there is no answer or advice you can offer. I guess i just wanted to say that in some circumstances forgiveness is impossible .