Police claim that “we have received several complaints from the public that this little varmint is held up in a hole, warm and toasty … He told several people that winter would last 6 more weeks, however he failed to disclose that it would consist of mountains of snow!”

In addition to this wild claim, they allege that Phil is “armed and dangerous.”

However, according to New Hampshire law, Phil has done nothing to deserve the warrant—it’s a “gross violation of free speech and personal liberty,” according to several legal experts.

“If Phil were the cause of this snow, we might have legal grounds to arrest him,” said policy analyst Rachel Clark, “However, Phil did not cause the snow, he only predicted it. This is a textbook example of the ‘post hoc ergo propter hoc’ fallacy.”

Clark continued, “Predicting an event and publicly announcing it is a form of free speech that we need to protect. Weathermen and groundhogs don’t deserve arrest for wrongly predicting weather.”

Protesters are rising up in support of the groundhog, and many of them are saying that the entire ordeal is strictly unconstitutional. Punxsutawney Phil did not sign a legal contract, but did agree to the Groundhog Ceremony several days ago, his lawyer tells us.

“He was only told to look for his shadow, nothing more,” the groundhog’s spokesman explained.

The Groundhog controversy is expected to heavily influence the upcoming Merrimack elections, and state police are closely monitoring the volatile situation.

Much has been said recently about the new Clint Eastwood directed film American Sniper. A lot of good. A lot of bad.

The film tells the story of Chris Kyle, the deadliest sniper in American History. Kyle served four tours as a Navy SEAL in Iraq, accumulating 160 confirmed kills. His actions saved countless American soldiers.

Some of the film’s more famous critics include comedian Bill Maher, actor Seth Rogen, and director Michael Moore.

Rogen equated the movie to a Nazi propaganda film and Maher made multiple comments about Kyle being a “psychopath patriot.” Michael Moore, the keyboard warrior that he is, tweeted saying “We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot u in the back. Snipers aren’t heroes. And invaders r worse.”

Let’s break all of this down.

Seth Rogen, the man that makes movies full of vulgarity and pot-smoking deadbeats, is criticizing a film that shows the reality of war and tells the story of a man that protected American troops from terrorists. He’s probably just jealous that his new movie was all but forgotten when American Sniper premiered.

Bill Maher is a comedian. A controversial one at that. He makes his living by saying things that many see as offensive. He mocks patriotism and the military. He can do this because people like Chris Kyle protected his right to do it.

I’m not even sure where to start with Michael Moore. The ball-cap wearing butterball is claiming that snipers are cowards. He’s criticizing someone who shoots enemies that can’t shoot back. But, apparently, Mr. Moore doesn’t understand how war works. If you get a chance to have an advantage over your enemy, you take it. You can’t call a man a coward just because he’s more advanced than his enemy. Well, I suppose you can when you’re Michael Moore.

But in more recent news, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS showed the world its true face. And suddenly nobody’s pointing out Chris Kyle’s flaws. You see, ISIS killed Christians. ISIS beheaded 5 year olds. ISIS drenched a man with gasoline, locked him in a steel cage, set him on fire, and filmed as he screamed and flailed until he died.

And yet Kyle’s critics are silent about all of this because even they can’t deny that his actions pale in comparison to the death and destruction that ISIS is causing.

They’re silent because it’s not edgy to criticize terrorists. Bashing a lifesaving American soldier keeps them relevant. Condemning evil doesn’t.

If you’ve ever mustered the courage to venture into the “comments” section of a YouTube video, you surely know how truly treacherous it can be.

If you haven’t…well…I advise against it. You see, the perusing of particularly putrid postings has many discomforting and somewhat horrifying side effects, including but not limited to: nausea, vomiting, depression, decreased brain cells, increased hemorrhoidal activity, and the complete loss of hope for humanity.

Though I’ve never quite set keyboard into this magical place of profanity and logical fallacies, I have observed, studied, and documented many of the creatures that inhabit it.

The documentation of a few of these creatures and their behavior is as follows and may be used as a guideline for combating those that dare conflict you.

The Troll. I start with the troll as it is, sadly, the most common of all beasts. It secretes sarcasm as a fish secretes slime. It writhes in it. It feeds on the attention it receives from its most likely uber-controversial comment. Remember, when (not if) you stumble upon a troll, you must resist the immediate urge to unleash your wrath upon it. Don’t feed the trolls.

The Grammar Nazi. The Grammar Nazi lurks in only the darkest corners of the comments section, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting victims that have sealed their own fates by making simple grammatical and spelling errors. I believe these to be a subspecies of trolls as they have similar preying tactics and feeding habits. Most of these mongrels see themselves as if they were on a grammatical jihad to purge the world of those that butcher the English language. Should one ever cross your path, the safest defense is to ignore it. However, if you can lure it into its own trap (which shouldn’t be entirely difficult as most are millennials that don’t know a preposition from a fuzzy lump of dog crud) this will catch it quite off guard.

The Anti-Patriot. These good-fer-nuthin’ varmints, as I affectionately call them, will tell you anything and everything that’s wrong with America (whether you asked for it or not). No matter what the original content pertained to, these freedom-hating vermin will distort it to fit their ideology. I once spotted one trying to say that the entire state of Georgia was inhabited by overweight people. This was because “Macon” (a town in Georgia) sounds a great deal like “bacon” and it figured that was a good enough case. I promptly choked on my cheerios. The best defense is just to throw out a few facts, it’ll often leave without another word.

The Potty-Mouth. This is a particularly hostile animal who’s personality quite resembles a dimwitted mule. You see, it rarely has a real (much less valid) argument, rather, it just flaunts its ability to make a lumberjack blush. It uses excessive profanity and insults as an attempt get its otherwise dull or baseless point across. Despite all of this, its kind consists almost entirely of boys between the ages of nine and thirteen, rendering them mostly harmless. The easiest way to rid them of your presence, should you wish not to have an incredibly foul comment thread, is simply to block them. They’re just not worth your time.

These were just four of the more common blood-boiling ignoramuses that reveal their stupidity whilst chattering about on a keyboard. And this just barely scratches the surface of internet ignorance.

Charles Darwin, considered by many to be the father of the evolutionary theory.

In 1831, an English seminary student named Charles Darwin boarded The HMS Beagle to take a five year journey across the world. One of the stops on this trip were the Galapagos Islands, where Darwin devised the origins of the theory of evolution.

The theory of evolution is based on the idea that species change drastically over long periods of time. No scientist will disagree with the fact that species do change and adapt as they migrate and as the earth’s climate changes; but to say that wolves changed into whales or that lizards changed into birds with no particular reason or order is absolutely absurd.

First off, many of the supposedly linked organisms are genetically contradictory. One of the more famous links is between dinosaurs and modern-day birds. Reptiles are cold-blooded whereas birds are warm-blooded, their skeletal systems are quite different, and the same goes for their lungs. If birds evolved from reptiles, then feathers came from scales; this is a bit of a problem when you look at the biology of feathers and scales. Scales grow as a continuous sheet of skin that sheds as a whole. Feathers grow similarly to hair, they shed individually.

For a reptile to change into a bird, DNA would have to be added to its genetic code. A system such as this has never been observed or even theorized.

This is just one argument of many against evolution.

In America we have the freedom to believe pretty much whatever we want, no matter how invalid or scientifically inaccurate it may be. I support this freedom. Without it, we’d likely be unable homeschool or even attend church. But the fact that such theories as evolution are taught in the vast majority of schools across the world today is troublesome. Children are not taught to think critically. They’re taught baseless ideologies as if they were fact.

The word is written with symbols that represent a diverse realm of belief systems. The Star and Crescent represent Islam. The Peace Symbol represents Pacifism. The E for marriage equality. The Star of David for Judaism. The I topped with a Pentagram for Paganism. The Yin-Yang for Taoism. And of course, The Cross represents Christianity.

Taking a step back and studying this concept reveals how truly ignorant it is.

First off, Islam states that Jews, Gays, and Christians should be killed. Also according to Islam, Pacifists, Pagans, Taoists, and every other religion or belief system must convert or die. Pacifists are accustomed to peaceful protests so they don’t stand a chance against those who want to kill them. Homosexuality is detestable to nearly all religions which makes it incompatible with Christianity, Islam, and Judaism. Judaism has always had and always will have opposition from every corner of the world; be it Nazism, Islam, or ancient kings trying to conquer Old Testament Israel. Pacifism will almost always support Islam over Judaism. Paganism and Taoism are statistically insignificant but are needed to complete the sticker.

Christianity is the main target. Though it opposes all of the others, it harms none of them.

In short, believing that we can all “coexist” is complete lunacy.

It seems this country and many others have become sanctuaries for lunatics.