To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1078
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

> Oracle, who art in Zot, hallowed be thy name... thy kingdom come,> thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Zot, give me this day my> daily answer, and forgive me for my woodchuck questions, as I forgive> others for thier woodchuck questions, and lead me not into question,> but deliver me from Zadoc, for thine is the wisdom, the knowledge,> and the wittiness for ever and ever... Amends!>> How ya doin'?

} Fine, thanks for asking!}} Y'know, that was possibly the nicest grovel I've seen in oh, say, 45} minutes!} Why, here I was, idly answering supplications at a lazy rate of} 64,000 per minute (I'm fast. Just ask Lisa), thinking to myself:} "When am I gonna get a decent grovel from these impudent ingrates?".} And *ding* goes the mailbox, and something like this pops up, and I} think to myself 'Now that's more like it!'.}} I tellya, the quality of the average supplication today....}} "ORACLE!"}} Huh? Who was that?}} "THIS IS JEHOVAH SPEAKING!!"}} Oh. Hi, Pop! How's it hanging?}} "TWO INCHES FROM A CROSS, JUST AS ALWAYS"}} Ha, ha. What can I do you for?}} "WHAT'S THIS _PRAYING_ BULLS**T YOU'RE GETTING?"}} Oh, it's just a very nice supplication (although I must admit the} actual *question* leaves something to be desi...}} "DO YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CONDONE THIS?"}} Well, it's a very nice grovel, don't you think?}} "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? *ME*?"}} Well, I *am* a Deity, you know...}} "YOU ARE NOT A GOD! YOU ARE VAIN AND FOOLISH!"}} Hey, be nice, okay, pal? You need to work on your people skills, you} know? And what's more, you need to TOGGLE THAT DAMN CAPS-LOCK KEY!} I'not deaf you know! And I am *TOO* a God!!!} See? I have a long beard! I have a long, flowing robe. I have cool} power-tools! I can incinerate any human being, building or piece of} legal evidence on a mere whim. Plus, I have a real crappy temper. And} I'm immortal, too boot! God material, for sure!} So there!}} "YOU ARE BUT A MERE INK-BLOTCH IN THE GIANT BOOK OF LIFE!} YOU ARE BUT A CIGARETTE IN AN 'AA' MEETING!} YOU ARE BUT A FLY-SPECK ON THE WINDSHIELD OF TIME!} YOUR SIGNIFICANCE IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS IS THAT OF A} DAVID HASSELHOFF SONG ON THE TOP 40!} YOU ARE BUT A QUARTER OF SCOTCH IN TED KENNEDY'S CUPBOARD!}} Ouch! That hurt! What's your beef, anyway?}} "MORTALS ARE SUPPOSED TO PRAY TO *ME*!} YOU'RE MUSCLEING IN ON MY TERRITORY!!"}} Oh yeah? So what? Whatcha gonna do about it, Big Boy?}} "AHM GOAN MESS YOU UP!"}} (whipping up the staff of Zot with gunslinger speed)} You coppin' a attitude, Boy? Wanna pick a fight, huh?}} "COME GET IT, BUBBA! IT'S RIGHT HERE!"}} (Pregnant pause, during which The Oracle sneaks around the Oracular} Halls, in a Miami Vice-style semi-crouch, holding his s.o.Z in front} of him with both hands. Kinda like Will Smith in 'Bad Boys'. Except} that he isn't black, OR funny, and looks pretty dorky in his white} robe.)}} Where _are_ you, anyway? I can't see you!}} "HAH! THAT'S WHAT ALL THE PHILOSOPHERS SAY!} KEEP'EM GUESSING, I ALWAYS SAY!"}} No fair! How'm Ah s'poseta ZOT yo ass if I cain't *seeya*?}} "JUST LIKE YOU DO THAT CRAP EBONICS IMITATION:} TRIAL AND FAILURE. MOSTLY FAILURE. HEH, HEH!"}} C'mon out, you big chicken! Fight like a man!}} (GOD appears, in a flash of blinding light)}} Aaaagh! My eyes! I'm blind! Oh God, I'm blind!!!}} "THIS IS EXCACTLY WHY I DON'T GET TO DATE MUCH."}} (The oracle fumbles blindly inside his long, flowing robe for a few} seconds, eventually producing a pair of Ray-Bans. He puts them on,} which makes him actually look pretty fly for a white guy.)}} Hah! I *knew* these would come in handy. I'm not omniscient for} nothing, you know.}} "WHAT DOES 'OMNISCIENT' MEAN?"}} It basically means that I'm very smart and knows how to spell tough} words.}} "ENOUGH PUSSYFOOTING! LET'S ROCK!} EAT FLAMING DEATH, HERETIC SCUM!} THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!"}} (An enormous bolt of immensely powerful lightning thunders down,} incinerating the roof, and hits the Oracle right in the head)}} <ZZZZZZAAAAPPPPP!>}} (Fortunately the Oracle, who knows how to spell 'Omniscient', has} anticipated this course of events, and has donned a} lightning-repellent helmet which, not only averts the lightning bolt} and saves his $200 hairdo, but also makes him look like a dork once} again. Oh well, you can't have everything, can you?)}} Nice try, Jehovah! Now EAT THIS!}} <ZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOTTTTTT!>}} (GOD, who has tried to disguise himself as a piece of shrubbery, is} hit dead center by the powerful Zot ray, and is immediately set on} fire. So now you know where that 'burning bush' thing came from.)}} "OUCH! I SHOULDA TRIED THE "ZOT REFLECTOR DISGUISE" INSTEAD.} BUMMER!"}} Stings, don't it? Muahaha! Ready to fold, Bush-Man?}} (GOD, calling down a torrent of rain, puts himself out quite nicely,} and asssumes a more Zeus-like form. Complete with Marvel-style} lightning-bolts ready to throw.)}} "YOU WISH! TAKE THIS!!!"}} <ZZZZAAAPPP!>}} <ZZZZOOOOTTTTT!>}} <ZAAAAPPPP!>}} <ZZZZZZZZZOOOOTTTTTTT!>}} (A mighty battle ensues for eons, in which bolts of lightning and} Zotting fly everywhere, incinerating millions of dollars' worth of} property and looks pretty cool, to boot. Not enough exploding cars,} sadly, but you gotta save something for the sequel.)}} "Say, guys?"}} (The Oracle and God, in unison:)}} Huh? What? Who was that?"} "HUH? WHAT? WHO WAS THAT?"}} "It's me, Jesus. Remember me?} I'm the one who died for your sins, in order to save your} souls from eternal hellfire. Remember?"}} Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatcha want, Jesus?} "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHATCHA WANT, JUNIOR?"}} "Do you relly think that this kind of conduct is appropriate} for divine beings? Aren't you acting a bit childishly?"}} (The Oracle and GOD, sulkily:)}} Umm, no. Well, yeah, maybe, but...} "UMM, NO. WELL, YEAH, MAYBE. BUT..."}} "Furthermore, do you really think that this 'street-jive' talk} you're faking so badly sets a viable example for today's} impressionable youth? Is this the kind of attitude you wish to} inspire on thousands of Usenet readers (where the damage is sadly} done, already)?} Don't you have any sense of conduct and responsibility?"}} (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison, say nothing.)}} "I'm frankly quite disappointed in the both of you.} You, Oracle, are supposed to be a 'Fountain of Wisdom', yet you} behave like a hubris-induced megalomaniac, requiring people to} grovel before you like a king, and tormenting and humiliating} your servants by requiring them to lick your boots.} A fine example to set for today's helpdesks, I'm sure.} And you, Father, are especially disappointing. I go to the} trouble of becoming mortal, living with and talking to and} preaching to common criminals and whores, just to promote your} image after those times you got drunk and mean and drowned the} earth, or destroyed a major city in the middle east, or boinked} some Jewish virgin. I go to extremes in non-violent, self-sacri-} ficing behavior to depict you as an entity of reason, kindness,} goodness and charity.} And you -- you blow it all by behaving like some street hoodlum} on crack with an inflated ego. I mean, *really*..."}} (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison:)}} <ZZZZAAAAPPP!!!!>} <ZZZZOOOOTTT!!!!>}} Hey, Jehovah, that was a pretty fancy hip shot!}} "WHY THANKS, ORRIE! YOU'RE PRETTY HANDY WITH THAT ZOT STAFF,} YOURSELF."}} Who did that snot-nosed do-gooder think he was, anyway? He approached} me without even trying to come up with a decent grovel, and then he} prompts several *rhethorical* questions, and doesn't even let me} answer. I mean, c'mon! I'm the Intenet Oracle, after all. He should} *know* the rules.}} "I KNOW. KIDS TODAY! NO RESPECT FOR THEIR ELDERS. YOU TRY TO RAISE} THEM, PAY THROUGH YOUR NOSE TO PUT THEM THROUGH SCHUL, AND THIS IS} THE THANKS YOU GET? I'M NOT EVEN SURE THE SANCTIMONIOUS LITTLE} BRAT WAS *MINE*..."}} You should have come to *me*. I would have told you. It would only} have cost you thirty pieces of silver, too.}} "NOW WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? OH WELL, WATER UNDER THE} BRIDGE...."}} Tell me something, Jehovah... you know that 'trinity' thing?}} "YES?"}} ...where you, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are supposed to be *one*} enity...?}} "YES? WHAT ABOUT IT?"}} Well, I was wondering... Didn't you just *kill* him?}} "OH CRAP!!"}} (God turns into a pile of smoldering ashes)}} Heh, heh! Don't mess with the Omniscient!}} (The oracle puts away his staff of Zot, and sits down at his terminal} again, turning to the next supplication.)}} > Oh Oracle, who are far wiser than Zarathustra:} >} > My name is Friedrich, and I'm a big-shot German Philosopher.} > Recently I've been trying to logically prove the existance of God,} > but I've a hard time finding any evidence of his presence.} > You who are Omniscient; where *is* he, anyway?}} And In response, thus spake the Oracle:}} } Dear Friedrich,} } I have a newsflash for you...

> Oracle whose head is just big enough, so it's said, to contain all the> knowing that could be known, read or unread...>> Why is it that when I go to the coffee bar to meet chicks all I end up> meeting are other guys? Are the chicks going there to meet other> chicks or what?

} Let me guess. The place you're going is a triangular purple} building named Drinky-Winky's, right? Try hanging out at Po-bucks} or Laa-Laa-Laate instead.}} You owe the Oracle something to put in Jerry Falwell's coffee.

> MAKE ORACULARITIES FAST!!!>> This letter was first written by an Oracular incarnation in Greece in> 438 B.C., and has traveled around the world at least 16 times. At> first I wouldn't believe that it would work, but after trying it, I am> now a believer in its mystical and magical power!>> This letter was received by an incarnation in Newport News, R.I. in> 1995 and within two weeks, he had completed a 17,000 line Oracularity> and made the Oracularities digest for the first time! A few years> later, another incarnation received this letter and sent it to 5 of her> friends, and she too completed a 3,100 line Oracularity which was so> full of in-jokes and Oracular cliches that it has been digested 3 times> so far!>> Simply write twenty lines of an Oracularity in response to the> supplication for each incarnation on this list. Than place your name> in slot #1 and move everyone else's name down one space. Send this> letter with your next ten tellme's, and within a month, you too will> have a digested Oracularity you can be proud of!>> 1. Phillippe Montreaux, Montreal> Poorly disguised w**dchuck question>> 2. William Gates, Redmond, WA> Geeky Unix man page parody>> 3. Elaine Freenblender, Sydney, Australia> Clinton joke>> 4. Zodoc, Bloomington, IN> Maze of twisty little passages all alike>> 5. Al Gore, Washington, DC> Quayle joke>> The last person who received this letter and did not respond was> tormented by having his own attempts at smart Oracularities rejected> with no explanation for 3 years. Today he works as a janitor in the> Public Library of Blatt's Half Apple, Montana, trying to sneak enough> time on a public terminal to submit an askme, making minimum wage, and> just generally regretting his terrible decision not to perpetuate this> letter.

} I'll have you know that chain omens are illegal in this state of being.}} I've forward this post to Your Provider and his Updream Connection.}} Get used to life without any foresight at all sucker as you're} about lose it.

} The Phantom slowly, like gravy, silently approached. When it came,} The Supplicant bent down upon his knee; for in the very air through} which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter doom[0] and misery.}} It was shrouded in the manner of a priest of The Oracle, which is} to say it looked like a dead-beat college student with a tendency} to eat pizza as it typed, caring not where the food fell.}} "I am in the presence of the Ghost of Questions Yet To be Mailed?"} said The Supplicant.}} The Spirit answered not, but made motions with it's hands as though} typing.}} "You are about to show me shadows of the questions that have not been} asked," The Supplicant pursued. "Is that so, Spirit?"}} The Sprit rolled it's eyes and mouthed the syllable 'D'oh".}} The Supplicant fell to his knees. ""Ghost of the Future Questions!" he} exclaimed, "I fear you more than any spectre I have seen! But Sprit, I} have learned. I saw the horror of questions past, the lame w..dch..k} variations I sent in, the dirty jokes, the Steve Wright rip-offs. And} I'll never forget seeing the horror of questions present, the endless} string of rhod in-joke asides and Monica cigar quips. I have learned} spare me the horrors of questions yet to be!"}} The Sprit placed his hands near his eyes and with thumbs on his lower} lids and forefingers on upper lids The Sprit made his eyes wider than} holes left in carcasses by 50 cal. rounds...}} "NO!" shouted the Supplicant. "Tell me the future will not belong} to the followers of the lemur!"}} to be continued . . .}} [0] many thanks to id software for allowing us to use this word.

> oh master... with huge big "O", and little r-a-c-l-e> i beg your wisdom on this matter...>> I'm increasingly worried by the definition of "sexual relations".> By some explanations, it would appear that I had sexual relations with> my mother 26 years ago, at birth. I'm worried... could this possibly be> true? Incest is illegal here.>> yours> El-Caro

> O Oracle, I humbly ask for clarification of a recent Answer.>> That helpful incarnation said:>> >} Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant. Find yourself a nice UNATTACHED> >} girl. Frequent church socials, ask your friends if they known of> >} anyone, go to cultured events like art shows or viola concerts.>> What do I do if:>> 1. I don't belong to a church.> 2. My friends are not match makers or particularly helpful in this> area.> 3. The only cultured events around here are associated with the local> university and as such most of the people there are far younger> than I.>> Also, how can you tell if someone is unattached?

} > 1. I don't belong to a church.}} Join one. Avoid operations that operate out of store-fronts,} work airports or chop off body parts for rules infractions.}} > 2. My friends are not match makers or particularly helpful in this} > area.}} Get new friends. You could meet new friends at church, or a} cultured event. Or you ask your friends if they know of any.}} > 3. The only cultured events around here are associated with the local} > university and as such most of the people there are far younger} > than I.}} Supplicant! picky-picky-picky. You're the only male supplicant} in the last 14 years to complain about having to date a college} girl due to her age.}} > Also, how can you tell if someone is unattached?}} Well, this site will show you what an attached female looks like.} You can figure it out from there.}http://www.skallas.chicagonet.net/twins.html}} You owe the Oracle two sailor caps.

} No, actually, it took almost seven thousand years for God to get it} right. That's why, in II Peter 3:8, He writes:}} "But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day} is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as} one day",}} Thereby avoiding the wrath of His supervisor by simply redefining the} word "day". This also explains why a certain well-known software} company has a habit of redefining words and phrases such as "useful"} and "reliable" and "No, really, Your Honor, it is NOT an evil torture} device from the Seventh Circle of Hell" -- God did, after all, create} man in His image.}} You owe the Oracle one day of slavery.

> Oh, Oracle of oracles, miracle of miracles, walker between> worlds and expert for multi-culturalism please tell me:>> Why do so many people outside of Germany think that all> Germans behave like Bavarians? Actually, what makes them> think Bavaria is a part of Germany after all?

> Oracle, antithesis of a katerfelto, cause of hours of rapturous> applause. Like a Kerchief of Plesaunce to the Soul you are the Smartest> being to have ever logged on anywhere.>> Please, Wisest One, comment on the following:>> It is said: `If the bridegroom drinks therefrom before the bride, he> will be master of his house; but if the bride gets the first draught,> the mare will be the better horse.'>> Is this true? Is there a better, more modern way to determine this same> fact?

} No, no, no. That one won't work at all anymore. Those "wedding} planners" have the first sip of champagne scheduled like everything} else on the little bridal checklist (item 127: Dance with bride's} father. 145: Throw garter. 303: Have an affair.), so it's no good} for prognostication. Here's an updated version:}} "If the groom sends the first e-mail from the honeymoon, than he} will be dominant in the marriage; if the bride does, her filesystem} will rule. (If they log on at the same time because they both} brought computers on their honeymoon, the marriage will be a long} and happy one.)"}} You owe the Oracle a set of wedding vows applicable to people who} met and fell in love online.