Sunday, May 6, 2012

Minutes from Commissioner's Spring Report, 2052

Using state-of-the-art time travel technology developed by an off duty physicist at Nike's Oven Lab, Fore Right has obtained the minutes from the Commissioner's Spring Report to the PGA Tour's Board of Directors. Forty years into the future. Enjoy.

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COMMISSIONER'S SPRING REPORT

May 7, 2052

Meeting called to order at 10:01am by Commissioner Tim Finchem.

Opening Remarks:

Mr. Finchem thanks Board for recent 105th birthday celebration at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse, says he's happy to "finally get a second use out of those blue drapes."

A new tee has been approved for use on the 17th hole, stretching the island par-3 to a more competitive length of 377 yards.

In turn, the old tee box for #17 will now serve as the new tee for #18. New finisher should play 712 yards from the tips, a genuine two-shotter as originally intended.

The tweaks to the FedEx Cup point algorithm seem to be working well. Commissioner expresses confidence that the Tour can avoid last year's unfortunate scenario where the Cup Champion was ultimately decided by who won the Del Webb Father-Son Challenge.

Sponsor update:

Cialis has abruptly canceled their advertising contract with the PGA Tour in the wake of new research showing a direct link between regular Cialis use and penis cancer.

Given the financial beating they took after last year's zombie infestation, Travelers Insurance remains uncommitted to future Tour commitments at this time.

On the positive side, the Bureau of Tourism for the alien planet Zoltang has re-upped as title sponsor of the Zoltang Pebble Beach Pro-Am through 2054. As part of deal, Tour agrees to let Zoltang serve as host for the 2055 WGC-Accenture Match Play (subject to Nicklaus green complex redesign).

Rules Report:

The USGA and R&A have clarified the confusion over rule 172-4b/1. NO, players DO NOT need to be present to participate in a tournament PROVIDED their digital avatar is properly synced to the network server within five minutes of their assigned tee time.

Also, digital avatars must wear pants.

Slow Play Report:

Thanks to the Tour's vigorous efforts to monitor pace of play, the average round so far in 2052 is down significantly, averaging just 10 hours and 37 minutes per threesome.

In more good news, only 3 of the Tour's 19 events to date have ended on a Wednesday with the remainder finishing on schedule Tuesday night.

Technology Report:

The PGA Tour and its members remain split on whether surgically fixing a putter to a carved out hole in one's sternum counts as anchoring the stroke. Further study required at this time.

Old Business:

Board continued their discussion on what can be done to convince Tiger Woods to play in more Champions Tour events.

Next Meeting:

Thursday, June 23rd, 10am. NOTE: In case of apocalypse, meeting will be moved to Zoltang.

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On The Tee

BOB SMILEY is the author of the "razor-sharp" satiric novel DON'T MESS WITH TRAVIS from Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin's Press.
Smiley began his writing career as a research assistant to the late, great William F. Buckley, Jr. In 2008, he wrote the sports memoir FOLLOW THE ROAR, chronicling his journey around the globe as he followed Tiger Woods for every hole of an entire season.
He lives in Los Angeles with his wife and 3 children where he writes for both TV and film. For more, go to BobSmiley.me