The day has come to share our family’s secret. To whisper of the gentle tidings that I’ve been treasuring. To tell the world of your miraculous conception.

And on this Mother’s Day weekend, nothing is more fitting than to write my first love letter to you, My Son. Because, yes, we are expecting your arrival sometime early December. When the snowflakes fall and the Christmas lights sparkle, we will become a family of four. Your big sister Abby is so excited about Christmas time. “Baby Brother” and “Candy Canes” are two amazing gifts to anticipate, when you are two-years-old and impatient.

I’m 9 weeks and nauseous. So desperately nauseous. But, you are strong and healthy. Three ultrasounds now show your development in muted tones, but I feel the pull of energy you need every moment of every day.

And, yes, your story began last November when the door to repeat our IVF process opened unexpectedly, and we walked through. Scared. Brave. Unsure of the future. But certain of you. Certain that you were meant to be. “Be Brave” became my motto, as I submitted to the past months of medications and injections. And “Little Lion Baby” became your nickname, as I pictured you as fierce and strong, weathering the storms and choosing life.

Our family couldn’t be more proud to announce your pregnancy. We’ve chosen to walk through the past months with a select group of friends and family praying consistently for you, but otherwise we needed the privacy of less publicity through this process in order to heal. I needed the silence in order to endure. The IVF road holds memory of pain, miscarriage, and raw vulnerability for me. But, we chose to make your conception a conscious conception. We chose how to prepare. We chose the route. We chose the pain. We chose the joy.

We chose you. We will always choose you.

~~~

So, to My Fierce Little Lion Baby,

Mama loves you. Fiercely. Bravely. My heart grows with every beat of yours. Because you are gift. You are miracle. You are the promise during a hard season in our family that God will provide and will continue to give good gifts.

In the days leading up to your conception, I listened to lyrics of Platten’s song “Better Place” and let their beauty comfort my soul.

I’ll tell the world

I’ll sing a song

It’s a better place since you came along….

And I hold my favorite thing

I hold the love that you bring

But, it feels like I’ve opened my eyes again

And the colors are golden and bright again

There’s a song in my heart, I feel like I belong

It’s a better place since you came along…

It’s a better place since you came along…

And, it’s true. I hold the love that you bring. Hold you deep inside me for the next many months.

And I couldn’t be more in awe of this song I sing. You and your sister make the colors golden and bright again.

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Published by Lauren Hasz

My journey has in no way been straight nor easy, marred as it has been by anorexia, perfectionism, the rape of a dear friend, depression, infertility, and career/home/job insecurities. Still, I press on. I dance with no rhythm. I cry with abandon. I sit in stillness when the tears won’t come. I love wholeheartedly. I search my soul when the love isn’t there. I am becoming whole. I am a woman standing in the fire, becoming the fire, and beholding the fire. I am a wife, a mama of two Littles, a small business owner, a birth doula, a wellness educator, and a lover of all things coffee. I believe in big emotions and little joys. I love adventure, but crave roots and home. Come get to know me and welcome to my village.
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