It may sound trite, but I’ve really grown to understand on a deeper level over this past year the idea that life is a journey. Sometimes you make steady progress forward and other times it feels like you’re right back to where you started, but most of the time, it’s navigating the bumps and turns in the road.

There have been times this year that I questioned my ability to be a good mother to DJ–times when I lost my temper or spoke without thinking it through. But I’ve also learned a heck of a lot about myself and this crazy world of parenting.

I’ve learned that “maybe” is “almost yes” to an 11-year-old. I’ve learned that consistency is about the best thing that we can provide for DJ, but sometimes we need to pick our battles. (And for the most part, those battles seems to be decreasing in both duration and intensity.) I’ve learned that it is okay to lean on my friends and family, and that it doesn’t make me any lesser of a parent. I’ve learned that sometimes DJ is going to act in ways that disappoint or embarrass me, and that’s okay because my job is to help him learn from his mistakes.

My original goals for parenting have shifted a little, too. Instead of hoping to raise a child who is happy and kind and knows that he is loved, I’ve moved more toward raising a child who can be happy and kind and know that he is loved. The difference is subtle but significant. Frankly, DJ has been through a lot in his young life. There are things that I can never “fix” or “erase” from his life experiences, and more and more I don’t have an urge to do either. I love him exactly as he is, and I’m so proud of the boy he has become. And almost as important, I’m proud of the parents that John and I have become, too.

It has been a difficult, wonderful year, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2014/04/30/happy-adoption-day/feed/1margareteditsOur First Family Vacationhttps://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/07/09/our-first-family-vacation/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/07/09/our-first-family-vacation/#commentsWed, 10 Jul 2013 03:43:41 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=1117]]>As I wrote about in my last post, it’s amazing the difference that a year makes.

Last summer, the three of us were pretty much strangers, trying to figure each other out and get a handle on our new roles. While John was at work all day, I was DJ’s primary playmate. He refused to meet any of the neighborhood kids. My attempts to establish any semblance of a routine were met with anxiety or anger or both. He didn’t want to go the pool or read or play board games–all of the the things that I enjoyed as a kid. Instead of being the fun and carefree summer that I had planned, most days left me feeling drained emotionally and physically.

Of course, his behavior made perfect sense considering everything that he must’ve been feeling during those early months. His reluctance to make new friends an obvious attempt to protect himself from the inevitable goodbyes that would have to be made when he left for yet another new house. His refusal to try new things most likely the result of him struggling to adjust to his move across the country from everyone and everything he had ever known. The urban landscape intensifying his feelings of being a foreigner in a strange land. How lost and frightened he must’ve felt some days despite our best efforts to welcome him into our lives.

Not that everything is perfect now, but this summer is much more what I had envisioned when DJ first came to us last June: days at the pool, reading together on the couch, going to Kennywood (yes, I splurged on a season pass for DJ and me), the occasional craft or art activity, and even some summer learning.

DJ loved the waves on our first day at the beach.

One of the highlights of the summer has been our first family vacation. We tried to keep it pretty basic and resisted the urge to plan some grand trip to Disney World or the like. DJ is still prone to at least one meltdown a day, especially when things are out of our routine so a really elaborate vacation just didn’t make sense.

Instead, we drove about two hours away to Presque Isle, off of Lake Erie. My sister and her husband very kindly allowed us to bring our niece, who is DJ’s age, along for the trip. I’m so thankful we did because she was a great companion.

So without further ado, here are some pics from our very first family vacation.

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/07/09/our-first-family-vacation/feed/2margareteditsEven Mom got some time to relax.IMG_0182View of Lake Erie from observation tower at Tom Ridge Environmental Center.The Big Yearhttps://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/the-big-year/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/the-big-year/#commentsWed, 12 Jun 2013 02:21:05 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=1096]]>You know life is good when you’re blowing out the candles on your birthday cake and you have to struggle to come up with something to wish for. Especially when said cake is in celebration of your 39th birthday, an age that stereotypically speaking prompts bouts of anxiety or self-doubt.

But that was me recently. So full of things that I’m grateful for that it actually took a couple of seconds to form a wish. Considering that my last ten years of b-day wishes came true with DJ’s arrival, it’s hardly surprising that this year’s wish was for him to stay as happy & healthy as possible.

And the icing on the cake, DJ used my birthday card to announce that he was going to take our last name. Best. Birthday. Ever.

But the family celebrations didn’t end there. On April 30, the adoption was finalized! I was actually in the park supervising DJ’s “wrestling club” consisting of him and a couple of kids from the neighborhood when I saw the voicemail icon on my phone. Our lawyer was calling with the good news that the judge had ruled a few days previously and DJ was now officially adopted.

In their typical awesome fashion, my family immediately leaped into action after hearing the news and threw an impromptu adoption party for Dom.

Even now, a little over a month since I got the call, tears are running down my cheeks as I type this. Not that I love DJ any more than I did before because that’s simply not possible, but there’s a sense of permanency and relief that just wasn’t there while we were waiting for finalization.

I no longer have to identify myself as the foster mom when I’m filling out forms for school or the doctor’s office. And as unrealistic as it was, there’s no longer that small fear in the back of my head that at any moment all of this could fall apart and we could lose DJ to another adoptive family.

This is real. This is forever.

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/06/11/the-big-year/feed/9margareteditsIMG_0096Big Saturday Night Planshttps://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/big-saturday-night-plans/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/big-saturday-night-plans/#commentsSat, 20 Apr 2013 22:05:50 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=1091]]>As I type, D.J. is playing video games with a friend from the neighborhood. For most parents, this would hardly be worthy of note, let alone celebration, but that is not the case here. For the last couple of weeks, D.J. has been playing almost daily with a friend from school who lives a couple streets over.

For almost the entire 10 months that he’s been with us, he’s staunchly refused to play with kids in the neighborhood beyond the weekly kids soccer game in the park–and even that was a long time in coming. We’re not quite sure where this refusal came from, but it made for a pretty interesting (read: long) summer last year.

And then a couple of weeks ago, it all changed. Not only has he been playing with his friend, but there is a really great kid on the next block (who happens to be the son of someone I went to school with all through elementary and high school…small world), and the kids have been shooting hoops at his house almost everyday.

So it’s Saturday night, and my big plans are walking down the street to the pizza shop with two 10-year-olds and coming home to watch more WWE ’13, and I couldn’t be happier.

And did I mention the friend is a girl and that I think it’s really sweet? Not that I would ever tell him that! At least not before he’s old enough to find & start reading this blog.

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/big-saturday-night-plans/feed/3margareteditsOn the Edgehttps://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/03/06/on-the-edge/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/03/06/on-the-edge/#commentsThu, 07 Mar 2013 03:19:40 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=1024]]>It’s time to ‘fess up. I’ve been hiding from my blog for the last several weeks. It’s not that I haven’t been writing, I have, but I’ve been reluctant to post.

It all started when DJ had a particularly bad tantrum over “screen time” (t.v. and video games) that ended in him calling our caseworker and telling her that DH and I are really mean to him and that he didn’t want to live with us anymore.

The whole thing got resolved, including a 90-minute visit from our caseworker, but the incident really rattled me. I think at first that I didn’t post about it because I was embarrassed. In my head, I knew that it wasn’t unusual for a child–biological or adoptive–to declare that they didn’t want to live with their parents when they didn’t get their way. But my heart, well, it wasn’t being logical.

A fear started growing inside me that maybe we weren’t the best parents for DJ. He’s been fortunate to have some great foster families that for various reasons weren’t able to offer permanency Maybe DJ “really” belonged with them, I started to tell myself. To add to my feelings of dread, the adoption was supposed to be finalized in Feb. but the month was quickly coming to an end and still no official word. The precariousness of our situation suddenly felt very real in a way that it hadn’t since before DJ came to us in June, and for days I felt literally sick to my stomach over the whole thing.

That was several weeks ago now–and the adoption still hasn’t been finalized–but I’m feeling a lot better. In retrospect, I think the waiting for finalization was weighing on all of us so there was bound to be a blow-up at some point. Thankfully, the rough patch seems to have passed for now. Not that DJ doesn’t still say that he hates us sometimes and doesn’t want to live with us, but we seem to have crossed some imaginary boundary. Over the edge, so to speak. And instead of falling and breaking into a million little pieces, we’re still holding on to each other.

And I can finally post about it, which feels really good. I’ve been feeling so guilty about ignoring my blog that I almost titled this post “Confessions of an Adoptive Parent” but I was afraid that sounded a bit too sinister. But I promised myself when I started this project that I would tell the good and the bad–no matter how ugly–in the hopes that my experience might be helpful to someone else going through the adoption process. So with that, I’m going to hit “Publish” and give my sleeping son one more kiss good night.

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/03/06/on-the-edge/feed/10margareteditsBourgeois Suckers & Fresh Pineapplehttps://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/bourgeois-suckers-fresh-pineapple/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/bourgeois-suckers-fresh-pineapple/#commentsMon, 14 Jan 2013 04:08:11 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=947]]>What do you say when your ten-year-old walks out of the psychiatrist’s office, nonchalantly looks over his shoulder, and says to the doctor: “see you later, bourgeois suckers”?

Like many of DJ’s favorite retorts, this gem was taken from theRegular Show. But I don’t think the doctor got the reference. In response to my profuse apology, she replied through slightly gritted teeth: “He’s so cute.”

To add to the fun, this was after a 20-minute session where DJ pretty much refused to talk because I made him spit out his gum before the appointment, and I was practically hoarse from a sore throat. Yes, it was one of those weeks…

Things got even worse this morning when an epic meltdown occurred over the “chunkiness” (or lack thereof) of his mac & cheese and us trying to get him to eat fresh pineapple (which he has actually eaten before on several occasions but this morning was tantamount to Chinese water torture).

And yet, here it is Saturday night–or at least it was when I originally started writing this post–and I know for all of the challenges and tantrums, good and bad parenting choices, that our family is a little bit stronger, a little bit closer than we were a week ago. Because it’s only when we reach those low points–when DJ pushes us to our limits & those doubts of whether or not we’ve bitten off more than we can chew start to creep in–that things get “real.”

Forced to confront my own insecurities, it becomes so obvious that DJ’s insecurities must be ten-fold. That the tantrums over seemingly nothing are about everything. That smart talking his psychiatrist or declaring us the worst parents ever are his ways of testing us. He wants to know–like all children, I’m sure, but especially adoptive children–if we’re in this for the long haul. Or from his perspective, if it’s only a matter of time before he’s sent away.

Eventually his tantrum on Saturday ended, like they always do. In the quiet conversations that followed, apologies were given and accepted, and reassurances offered. I might be imagining things, but I couldn’t help but think that today he woke up with a renewed sense of confidence and serenity–we had made it through the storm together.

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/bourgeois-suckers-fresh-pineapple/feed/4margareteditsResolutions of a New Adoptive Parenthttps://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/01/01/resolutions-of-a-new-adoptive-parent/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2013/01/01/resolutions-of-a-new-adoptive-parent/#commentsTue, 01 Jan 2013 18:40:16 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=911]]>My uncharacteristic flirtation with holiday cheer started to run out around 11:00 p.m. on Dec. 23rd, but our first Christmas was still a success. There were some ups and downs–thankfully mostly ups–and I’m happy to report that we were all in good spirits to ring in the new year last night.

We spent New Year’s Eve watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers after going to see The Hobbit earlier in the day. That’s a lot of LOTR, even for a Tolkien fan like myself!

I have to admit though that I’m a little reluctant to bid adieu to 2012. It was an incredible year of firsts: the first time that we met DJ, our first overnight as a family, the first time that he met our extended families, being called “Mom” for the first time (although to be perfectly honest, he was trying to persuade me to run down a hill & recover a soccer ball at the time), and our first Christmas.

Photo credit: blmiers2

As I imagine they are for many waiting moms & dads, the holidays have been pretty difficult for me in the past. I’ve often felt more disorganized than usual amidst the hustle and bustle of Christmas. By Jan. 1, the introspective nature of the season has propelled me into an all-too-familiar cycle of self-pity. Despite my best efforts to be present and be grateful for all of the wonderful things that I did have in my life, I’ve struggled to be genuinely optimistic about the new year.

This year, of course, my attitude about the new year is dramatically different.Instead of my standard resolution to work harder on the adoption process, I’m resolving to make 2013 the very best possible year for our new family–physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Here are a few of my parenting resolutions:

1. Continue to work on DJ’s self-esteem. Like many adoptive children, he’s developed a very negative image of himself. We’re very quick to correct him when he says these types of things, but I’m hoping with the adoption finalization and our continued reassurances that we’re his forever family that he’ll learn to be kinder to himself.

3. Keep up the good fight against screen time (video games, TV, computers) and promote DJ’s creativity and appreciation of the arts in any form. In particular, I’d love to see him spend more time drawing, writing, and knitting. He got lots of great art stuff for Christmas, and we bought him both a diary and knitting book for kids.

So what kind of family resolutions are you making this year? Any advice on how I can accomplish mine?

After spending the last dozen or so years being a bit of a Scrooge from November 1 though December 25, this year feels totally different. And of course, it’s all because of DJ.

For the first time ever in my adult life, it is December 7th and my Christmas tree is decorated (albeit with a lighting scheme that wouldn’t be my first choice if it wasn’t for a certain 9-year-old and my DH), a good chunk of my Christmas shopping & Christmas cards are done, and I’m actually seeking out the 24/7 Christmas music channels on the radio. And did I mention that we’re going to see *A Musical Christmas Carol* downtown tomorrow?

Maybe my heart hasn’t really grown three sizes since the day that DJ joined our family, but I’ve definitely become one of those people that I used to look on in the not-so-distant past in wonder and maybe just a little disdain (okay, I still silently curse folks who send out their Christmas cards the day after Thanksgiving, but motherhood hasn’t changed me completely!).

Not that the holidays aren’t fraught with headaches & challenges in addition to all of this overflowing Christmas cheer. One of the big points stressed by adoption professionals is that the holidays are often a confusing and difficult time for adoptive kids. And while DJ continues to be making incredible progress, he’s no different from other kids who have lost some or all of their biological families and struggled to find a permanent home. For DJ, this will be his first Christmas with his fairly-new mom and dad along with all of our extended family and friends.

Even for a non-adoptive child, the holidays with our clan can be a bit overwhelming. Our schedule for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day as we attempt to spend as much time as physically possible with both sides of our families could frazzle even the calmest person’s nerves. So we’re making sure to really take things slowly and celebrate the holiday season a little bit everyday instead of trying to pack everything in to a couple of days. In a particularly uncharacteristic burst of festiveness, I bought our first Advent calendar and made activities for each day. While the activities vary from the silly to the practical, it’s really about creating fun & non-frantic time to spend together as a family. It’s also given our holiday season a much-needed structure that we know DJ craves & needs as he’s trying to find his place.

But for every happy step we take forward together as a “forever family,” there are those speed bumps that remind me how much our little boy has been through in his short life and how careful we need to be to nurture & protect him, especially during the holidays. For example, last night while we were decorating our tree, he admitted that he’s afraid that we’re going to get rid of him the day before Christmas! While we were quick to reassure him that he’s stuck with us for good, it was heartwrenching to see the fear & uncertainty on his face. Permanency is still a really unfamiliar concept for him, and we can’t take for granted that what should be a carefree and happy time for DJ can also be fraught with questions and worries that we would never think of.

Since my greatest Christmas wish has already been granted, it’s hard to imagine asking for anything else. But if I did, my wish for this year would be for my boy to know that he is loved, that he is precious, and that he isn’t going anywhere!

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2012/12/07/how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-the-holidays/feed/7margareteditsHow the Grinch Stole Christmas!Giving Thankshttps://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/giving-thanks/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/giving-thanks/#respondMon, 19 Nov 2012 21:42:24 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=799]]>I know it’s been a long time since I posted, but with Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I couldn’t help but feel inspired.

While it’s been far from easy, life with DJ has been a dream come true. The last five months have been so full–bringing DJ home for the first time, introducing him to family & friends, developing our daily rituals like nightly storytime, going to the bus stop for the 1st day of school, getting together for family celebrations, watching his soccer games, going over spelling words, doing battle over shorts vs. pants, and so much more.

There have been rough patches that I will probably explore in future posts, but I’m honestly grateful for every minute since DJ became a part of our family. And I’m especially indebted to everyone who helped to bring DJ into our lives and kept us sane during this huge transition. Adoption is definitely not something that you can do on your own, and my only hesitation in writing this post is that I’m going to forget someone. So let me say right now that I’m deeply thankful to all of the family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers who have made the last five months possible.

I am so thankful for all of our family and friends who have been so amazing throughout this very long process. Nothing has given me more joy than watching you get to know our dear DJ. Whether near or far, your support has made all the difference.

I am so thankful for our caseworkers on both the east and west coasts. We never would’ve even known about DJ if it wasn’t for our matching coordinator at Three Rivers Adoption Council sending us an email to check out a little boy on the Northwest Adoption Exchange. In the weeks since DJ’s arrival, all of our caseworkers have done an outstanding job staying on top of the multitude of paperwork and answering our numerous questions. It is because of them that we will hopefully be able to finalize DJ’s adoption early on in the new year.

I am so thankful to DJ’s former foster parents who have done an amazing job loving & providing support for a little boy who was coming from a hard place. DJ’s relatively easy transition into our home is due, in no small part, to their kindness, patience, & generosity over the years. It sounds cliche, but words cannot express how grateful I am for the care that you took of our little boy while he was “waiting” for his forever family.

I am so grateful to DJ’s birth mother, who despite making some bad choices in her own life, made it clear to DJ that he was loved and that none of her mistakes were his fault.

Last but certainly not least, I am so grateful to my dear husband and DJ himself. It has been a wild ride so far, but your courage and love make it all worthwhile. Although I’ve sometimes approached Thanksgiving with a fair amount of trepidation in the past, I couldn’t be more excited for our first Thanksgiving as a family.

Happy Thanksgiving!

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2012/11/19/giving-thanks/feed/0margareteditsBack to School, Part 2https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/back-to-school-part-2/
https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/back-to-school-part-2/#commentsFri, 07 Sep 2012 20:20:12 +0000http://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/?p=850]]>I can’t believe that it’s been a week since DJ started school. Granted, we did have Monday off for Labor Day, but we’re already finding our groove, and the long summer days are starting to feel a little distant.

The first day got off to a smooth start until we got to the bus stop. It’s a busy intersection even at the best of times, but during rush hour, it is pretty much insanity on a stick. In addition to the traffic, the bus was very late (which I’ve heard isn’t that unusual for the first week). But needless to say, it felt like forever to my poor nine-year-old who was waiting to start yet another new school.

Our little guy headed off for the first day of school–you can’t tell from the pic, but he’s wearing the Star Wars shirt that we bought on our back-to-school shopping trip!

When the bus finally arrived, I couldn’t believe how tiny DJ looked crossing the street to his bus. It took all of my self-control to keep from running after him and giving him a hug.

While it was definitely nice to be back on my own schedule again, all day I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had left something really important behind. I kept doing things like looking in my rear-view mirror expecting to see him sitting in the back seat.

I also couldn’t help but wonder how he was doing. Did he like his teachers? Were the other kids being nice to him? Did I pack enough food in his lunch? I wished more than anything that he could’ve had a least one friend going into his first day of school.

By the time 4:00 rolled along, I couldn’t wait to see him and left extra early for the bus stop. Unfortunately for me, the bus was even later in the afternoon than the morning and didn’t show up until 4:50. At least I learned a lesson about remembering my iPod and wearing sunscreen to the bus stop.

Once DJ crossed the street–again resisting the urge to hug–I tried to ask nonchalantly how his day went. Based on his normal attitude towards something new, I was prepared for “boring” or even “I hated it.” But I was thrilled when he responded that it was okay! Math was still his favorite class, and he didn’t like Communications (or what they used to call “Language Arts” back in the day). On the short walk home, I asked if he made any friends, and he told me that he talked to two kids but they didn’t talk back. Pushing down an immediate dislike of these two unknown children, I simply told him that he’ll just need to try to talk to some other kids tomorrow.

..

A little over a week later, and DJ has made wonderful progress. He now has a friend that he plays basketball with at recess and seems to be happy at his new school. He fluctuates almost daily on his favorite class, and I have to admit that I especially love the days when he chooses Communication over Science. And last but not least, in spite of vehement “no’s” to virtually every formal activity over the summer, he also agreed to join a recreational soccer league (emphasis on fun & learning, not competition). His first game is tomorrow. Go Red!

]]>https://margaretadopts.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/back-to-school-part-2/feed/10margaretedits1st Day of School(1)