Beyond spooning: the challenges of sharing a bed

the challenges of sharing a bed

By Pauline Oo

Published on April 12, 2004

My dad snores like a food blender on the chop mode, and over the
years, my mother has learned to poke him in the ribs until he
stops. "That's what a lot of people do," says Paul Rosenblatt, a
University professor of family social science. "It stops some
people briefly and that may be long enough for some people, like
your mom, to get to sleep. But some people don't do that, they
can't learn to do that, or it takes them a long time to figure out
what to do." In 2001, Rosenblatt set out to study the experiences
of sharing a bed. He interviewed about 45 married and dating
couples--gay and straight--between the ages of 20 and 70 to learn
about their sleep routines and challenges. Rosenblatt was prompted
to study the sleep habits of bed-sharing adults because "there are
thousands of things written about couple relationships and sleep
difficulties, and just about zero written about the challenges or
experiences of sharing a bed." Snoring is just one of many
bed-sharing problems couples face. Rosenblatt has heard a slew of
stories about tooth grinding, long toenails, night owls versus
morning people, going to bed angry, and sleeping with cats who
brought dead mice into the bed. "The most striking finding was the
paradox that it's often not easy sleeping together but people keep
doing it," he says. "The meanings of sharing a bed, the physical
comforts, and a sense of what relationships are about keep people
in bed together." Rosenblatt, who is interested in how sleep habits
affect a couple's relationship, was also surprised by the number of
couples whose bed-sharing behavior changed over time because of an
injury. "Every blue-collar worker I interviewed, except for one,
had been injured on the job in a way that affected sleep and
physical intimacy," he says. "Mechanics, letter-carriers, factory
workers..." For example, a wife may have always rested her head on
her husband's shoulder as they fell asleep, but now his shoulder or
back is badly injured and she can't do that, and the couple loses a
form of intimacy they had. But making adjustments is part and
parcel of sleeping together, notes Rosenblatt. And as with any
physical activity, there is that initial period of learning. "When
couples first share a bed there's a learning curve--they have to
learn how to arrange their bodies, accommodate difference in
temperature preferences, and all sorts of other things--and that
learning curve may be a few days, but it might even be a few
years," he says. Let's get physical "[The meaning
of sharing a bed is] not the same for everybody," says Rosenblatt.
"For a lot of people it means that 'we're really a couple and we
have a special intimacy that we don't have with other people.' For
some people with health problems it means 'I am more likely to stay
alive.' People with diabetes might go into diabetic shock during
the night or someone with heart disease might have a heart attack.
For some men the meaning of sharing a bed is sexual release. For
others, it's about being warm enough." "A lot of people are
struggling with sleep problems in relationships--in the tens of
millions, based on what I found--and they're [trying to solve these
problems] on their own or talking to friends or relatives who had
similar issues. I thought there was a real need for a resource,"
says Rosenblatt, who has written a self-help book on sleep problems
in relationships and is looking for a publisher. So, what can you
do about a bed partner's annoying sleep habits while awaiting the
professor's guide to hit the bookstores? Talk about what's
bothering you, advises Rosenblatt. "It's not easy to talk about,"
he admits. "Lots of people say 'I don't snore' or 'What do you
mean, I steal all the covers?' So, I would say two things: you have
to talk about issues with your partner and you have to believe your
partner. There's a problem to be solved."