Random musings on life, society, and politics

Humor

So for this week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt, Linda G. Hill challenged us to write a post about a bodily function. Actually, she said we could “decide on one or write about a whole bunch of bodily functions.”

My favorite bodily function is the fart. Because farts are funny. Back on July 1, 2017, I wrote a whole post about farts. Its focus was farting on airplanes and the bottom line (no pun intended) was that you should just go ahead and let it rip.

Farting is a natural part of the human digestive process. When you eat, you don’t just swallow food, you also swallow air, which contains nitrogen and oxygen. These tiny air bubbles make their way through our bodies and mix with hydrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane along the way. The only way they can escape the body is by releasing them out of our butts and into the air we breathe.

We each fart, on average, five to ten times a day. And, contrary to popular belief, women fart just as much as men. Most people try to avoid farting in public even though farting is a sign that we are healthy.

Did you ever notice, though, that your own farts seem to smell better than (or at least not as bad as) those of other people? Seriously, the next time you let one rip, take a whiff. We tend to like the smell of our own farts more than those of others.

One reason we favor the smell of our own farts is because we prefer that which is familiar to us. Another reason is because smelling something as odorous as another person’s fart triggers a natural fight or flight response. We want to protect ourselves from something that could potentially be poisonous or bacteria-ridden.

A third reason your own farts are sweeter than other people’s farts is because you know when you’re about to fart and your brain can prepare itself to process the fact that a nasty smell is afoot, so to speak. That’s why the dreaded “silent but deadly” farts often smells the worst. Without the warning sound coming from the butt of another person, your brain doesn’t have time to prepare itself for the foul smell.

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A lot of us libtards are being accused by Trump and his supporters of suffering from something called Trump Derangement Syndrome.

According to medical professionals, Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) is a mental condition in which people have been “driven effectively insane due to their dislike of Donald Trump, to the point at which they will abandon all logic and reason.”

Fortunately, the pharmaceutical industry has come up with a new drug that will help relieve these symptoms and help to restore sanity and better mental health. And no, I’m not talking about marijuana, although I can tell you that pot does provide temporary relief.

I found out about this new drug while watching the Jimmy Kimmel show. Help is on the way. So, as a public service, I am sharing this with all of you.

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When I saw this picture posted on Teresa’s Worth a Thousand Words photo prompt today, I couldn’t help but think of all of the funny, bogus Albert Einstein memes floating all around the internet these days.

Well, that’s not what America’s dairy farmers think. The National Milk Producers Federation, which represents the dairy farmers, objects to calling anything but milk that comes from a cow “milk.” The dairy farmers apparently believe that these other so-called “milk” products are confusing consumers. What? You mean almond milk doesn’t come from cows? Who knew?

As silly as this is, a group of 32 members of Congress, many of them from big milk-producing states, have sent a letter to the Food and Drug Administration calling on the FDA to order manufacturers of plant-based drinks to find some other name besides “milk.”

The letter points out that the FDA already has a legal definition of milk as something that comes from a mammary gland. These congressmen are simply asking the FDA basically to enforce its own regulation.

So I’ve come up with a plan to rename those “milks” that don’t come from a cow’s mammary gland.

From this day forward, let it be known that:

Coconut Milk shall be called Coconut Juice

Soy Milk shall be called Soy Squeeze

Flax Milk shall be called Flax Fluid

Almond Milk shall be called Almond Jizz

I think my suggested alternative names for these non-mammary liquids will effectively address any confusion we consumers are apparently having.

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For today’s Ragtag Daily Prompt, the word is “duck.” The first thing that came to my mind was the duck that used to drop down whenever a contestant on Groucho Marx’s old TV quiz show, “You Bet Your Life,” said that day’s secret word. And yes, I’m old enough to have watched that show.But then I remembered a post I wrote last August titled “Duck and Cover.” So I decided to conjure up that post and use it to satisfy today’s RDP.