MY ’02 Camaro was in the shop for a week for its 177,000-mile spa treatment. Normally I wouldn’t share such an intimate detail with my readers, but I had a bright idea.

General Motors, you see, has this great marketing program that you’ve probably heard advertised no less than a thousand times if you watched any football last weekend.

Purchase a new GM car by the end of November and you have the right to return it, for any reason, after 31 days and before 60 days, and get all your money back.

So, this is my idea: I temporarily needed another car (unless I was willing to drive my backup 1996 Grand Am, which has zero curb appeal) and GM was willing — no, make that begging — to give me a car for two months.

That, to me, seemed like a perfect way to drive a car that I truly deserve.

Here’s the phone conversation I had with a GM dealer at All American Chevy in Middletown, NJ.

(Ring)

Receptionist: Thank you for calling All American Chevrolet.

Me: I’m curious about this 30-day guarantee that Chevy’s giving.

Receptionist: I’ll give you to the sales department.

Saleswoman: Sales, can I help you?

Me: How does this 30-day guarantee work?

Saleswoman: It’s sixty days.

Me: So I can return the car in 60 days?

Saleswoman: Correct.

Me: No questions asked?

Saleswoman: No, there are some stipulations.

Me: Like what?

Saleswoman: Like the miles you are allowed to drive.

Me: How many am I allowed to drive?

Saleswoman: I believe it’s 4,000 miles in 60 days. You can’t return it sooner than 30 days. Uh —

Me: What happens if I just need a car? My car is in the shop. What if I just want to use it for 30 days? Can I do that? Do I have to pay up front?

Saleswoman: Well, you actually have to buy the car. Sign a contract.

Me: So what? OK.

Saleswoman: You buy the car, you give a contract (sic), we send the contract to the bank and —

Me. What if I pay cash?

Saleswoman: Well then, you come in, you pay cash for the car and you can return it after 31 days. Can’t have any damage on it.

Me: Between 31 and 60 days?

Saleswoman: Correct.

Me: Wow, that sounds like a pretty good deal. My car is going to be in the shop for a couple of weeks. Can I do this and use your car for a couple of weeks?

Saleswoman: I can’t see why not. I mean, obviously it’s not designed for that. Between you and me it appears that you can. If you can come in I’ll give you the whole list of rules.

Me: What other rules?

Saleswoman: Like I said, you have to keep it at least 31 days, it can’t have damage on it, can’t be driven for more than 4,000 miles.

Me: Uh-huh! Between you and me, just because we’re friends, I can use this instead of a car rental, really.

Saleswoman: I assume so. There is some money you will probably lose.

Me: Like how much?

Saleswoman: I don’t know. I don’t know if you get back the sales tax or not. And obviously if you have negative trade equity you don’t get that back. But you don’t have a trade.

Me: But I’d have to pay the sales tax?

Saleswoman: You know, hang on, I’ll get it. Can I call you right back? What’s your name?

Me: John. I’ll hold.

(On hold, listening to about two minutes of commercials.)

Saleswoman: Hello, John.

Me: So what about the tax?

Saleswoman: When you do the program you get the tax back. You would lose the $150 documentation fee and your motor vehicle fees.

Me: How much is that?

Saleswoman: It depends on what you bought.

Me: I’ve always seen my self in a Corvette. So what if I took the Corvette for a month — 31 days?

Saleswoman: I don’t think it applies to the Corvette.

Me: Oh! So what kind of car does it apply to?

Saleswoman: Everything else.

Me: Camaro?

Saleswoman: Wait a minute, wait a minute. It applies to the Camaro and it applies to the Corvette too.

Me: Wow, that’s pretty generous.

Saleswoman: Keep in mind that I did tell you the intent is not for you to have a rental car.

Me: So let’s say I take this car out for 31 days and then I decide not to buy it — wink, wink — what do you do with a car that has 4,000 miles on it?

Saleswoman: It’ll be sold as a used car.

Me: Is that right?

Saleswoman: Yeah.

Me: So then I can go in and buy it as a used car?

Saleswoman: I don’t know, I think there’s a stipulation that you can’t buy the car that you are returning.

Me: How long does this program go?

Saleswoman: The end of November.

Me: Thanks.

(Tune in next week to see if I’m driving a Corvette.)

*

Goldman Sachs wants to give $500 million to small companies because it feels guilty about its part in the financial crisis.

Sorry, bribes won’t work. And publicity stunts aren’t good enough.

Goldman needs to be investigated for possible criminal behavior, not the least of which is getting inside information from its buddies in government.

Dozens of phone calls from high-ups in government — when nobody else was getting this sort of treatment — is the epitome of insider trading. Confess and we’ll go easy on you.

*

Weaker economic data, like a big drop in housing starts are starting to bother Wall Street.

As I’ve been saying, seasonal adjustments made the economy look stronger in the spring. But those adjustments will now reverse (as they must) and will make business conditions seem weaker. It’s payback time.