12 Tips for Using Your New Camera Without Making Everyone Hate You

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So you got a new camera for Christmas and now you think you’re ready to go out and grab shots of beautiful sunsets and celebrities eating ceasar salads in outdoor cafes. Not so fast there, Ansel Adams. There are a few things you should know before you push the shutter release (that’s the technical term for the picture taking button).

1. When you first take your camera out of the box, take a picture of it with your awful smartphone camera and share it to Instagram. That way, everyone will know that you’re going to take better pictures, just not right now.

2. Then take a picture of your smartphone with the camera so it doesn’t feel left out.

3. Take lots of pictures of your grandma. Old people always look poignant, except when they're eating.

4. It seems weird, but noon is pretty much the worst time to take pictures. The sun is too high in the sky, so the light is harsh and people get dark circles under their eyes. The technical term for this is The Vince Vaughn Effect. Wait for an hour or so before sunrise or sunset.

5. If you’re taking a photo of someone’s face, zoom the camera in a little. Wide angle lenses aren’t flattering unless you’re reading this way in the future and the current standard of attractiveness is a really giant nose and tiny ears.

6. Separate your photos into folders when you put them on your computer. You’ll be glad you did in a year when you don’t have to scroll through 30,000 photos in your “pictures” folder just to find that one where your dog was doing this kinda weird smile thing. Organize now! It only takes a few seconds.

7. If you want to make someone look good, use the light from a big, bright window to take your photo. If that’s not available, just learn to use Photoshop and swap a better face on there.

8. If you accidentally set your camera to the mode with the little running guy icon, you should actually start running, because it’s going to explode.

9. Try to avoid using the camera’s built-in flash, especially if you’re using a camera phone. The light is very harsh and it blinds everyone. If it's too dark, just have everyone meet you in the exact same place the next day when it's brighter. If they won't do it, they weren't your real friends in the first place.

10. All cameras are waterproof. Even smartphones. Really, go try it!

11. Never, ever shoot a video in vertical format. In fact, if a cop sees you doing so, he's legally obligated to throw your phone in the nearest Official Police Wood Chipper.

12. Wait, that waterproof thing apparently isn't true. Does anyone have a new camera I can borrow? I promise I'll give it back.