Dick Durbin Apologizes to Nazi, Soviet, and Vietcong Torturers

Unconfirmed sources report that Senator Dick Durbin has gone on the floor to apologize for the negative comparisons that he drew between American tortures and tortures from Nazi Germany, The former Soviet Union and the Vietcong. Durbin ignited a fire storm of protest from these groups when he said they where as bad as current day American torturers.

The comments made by Durbin implied that the actions of American service men were very similar to those of torturers from these other conflicts causing people involved with these earlier periods great distress. Calls from Nazi, Soviet era tortures and staff from the Hanoi Hilton in Vietnam flooded Senator Durbin’s office. They were very upset that their behaviors where being lumped in with the abuses occurring at Guantonimo Bay.

“This is an absolute disgrace.” said convicted Nazi war criminal Heinz Krautmayer. “American torturers are much worse then we ever were. Sure we killed our fair share of unclean people, but we never took a crap on them or stripped’em naked and got jiggy with them. These American torturers are a bunch of sick kids and their commanding officers need to be brought to trial. I’m mad as hell that Durbin would besmirch the reputation of Nazi torturers by comparing us to those clowns at Gitmo.”

“I’m glad Durbin apologized to me and my fellow tortures that worked at the Hanoi Hilton during the Vietnam war.” says Sheck Kon Lu former Hanoi Hilton torturer. “These Americans are awful at their jobs, they are killing their subjects left and right. They have no skill at all. I mean, we only killed 11 GIs at the Hilton during our War of Liberation. These cowpokes have killed over 120 Iraqis is just the first two years of this misbegotten war. We were nothing like these armatures, we had skill and finesse. “

Durbin’s apology to these aggrieved groups seems to have cooled tempers some, but he will have a long way to go to regain the trust of these foreign torturers.

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.