Required: Occupational Health And Safety Program

Found this in the DND Safety Digest:

OHS Program Needed

Dear Safety Digest Editor,

We desperately need an Occupational Health and Safety Program – IMMEDIATELY. The Program needs to protect eight animals, a staff of many little people (this is how we prefer to be called) and one large, older, very Jolly Man. We work in a remote location that is very cold, but face temperature extremes during product delivery. Emergency services are virtually non-existent.

We deliver billions of parcels in one night by means of an open vehicle, often flying above 10,000 ft (which means low oxygen levels are a concern. The Jolly Man pilots the vehicle at high speeds, and as a result, he and the animals deal with extreme wind chill, exposure to dust and debris, not to mention rain, snow, smog and pollution. The parcels are delivered to residences via the homeowners’ chimney. This exposes the Jolly Man to numerous hazards, especially if the fire is still lit! He has no protective gear, and I have no idea how his uniform hasn’t caught on fire.

Part of the Jolly Man’s duties include eating literally thousands of pounds of cookies and milk in this night. We are concerned about his health – his wife tells me that heart disease runs in the family. To top it all off, the parcels are delivered to virtually every country on the planet, so this program must meet the laws of all the places he visits!

That "Jolly-Man" fellow... I've heard that he doesn't actually 'eat' the cookies. Instead he is bound by a contract to return them to the Girl Scouts in exchange for their gift wrapping services. Anybody remember the reindeer named 'Speedy?' yeah, I didn't think so.. That's what happens when you short the Girl Scouts one cookie.. Fresh venison..

Nothing scares the boots off as when you see a pack of 6 firefly girls out front selling cookies!

(It's from the Vin Diesel movie, The Pacifier. In one part, he takes the troup of Fire Fly Girls (Girl Scout knockoffs) and trains them in hand to hand combat. They then proceed to kick the rears off the Boy Scouts that have been giving them problems.)