Real advice from real people

“I had a sex dream about a coworker”

I’m only 19 and have been in a relationship with a guy for a little over a year. This is my first serious relationship where we both have openly expressed our love for each other. He is my best friend and has been there for me through everything that I’ve gone through in the past year (it’s been a lot of sh*t to say the least). But I often have days where I feel different about him; some days I feel so happy and completely in love with him and other days I question why I’m even with him (even though he has never done anything like cheated or been physically or verbal abusive). Only downside is that I’m not really physically or sexually attracted to him; although sex is almost a daily occurrence.

Anyways now that’s there’s some background here is my dilemma. I had a sex dream about someone I work with whom I find very attractive and sweet and could even say I have a little “crush” on. After having this dream I can’t stop thinking about him. I noticed it has been affecting the way I feel about my boyfriend, but I have not made any of this known to him. I don’t really know what to do now since it has been all I can think about. I have felt this feeling of detachment with my boyfriend before but never because of someone else. Am I just looking too far into this dream or does it mean something?

From your post, it sounds like your current boyfriend is active in an emotional support role. He was there for you in times of need, and you love him for that, but maybe that’s as deep as it goes. There are many types of love, and if you aren’t attracted to this man and find yourself questioning your relationship without any specific motivations, then perhaps you’ve confused your love for a supportive friend with the love for a boyfriend. If this is your first serious relationship, it can be easy to do.

I like the idea of making a list of good and bad qualities of your current boyfriend, but maybe also consider reflecting on the times when you felt “so happy and completely in love with him” versus the time when you want to throw in the towel on the relationship. If you find that the times you feel “in love” with him are surrounded by his emotional support role, then it may indicate that you’ve confused the aforementioned roles.

You also mentioned that sex is almost a daily occurrence. While you are trying to figure out your feelings towards this man and your relationship with him, abstaining from sex could be beneficial. On the other side of the coin, maybe analyzing how you feel during sex could help clue into your feelings about this relationship. If you feel a connection, then there may be something more to your relationship. If you are simply performing the act because it feels it is expected in the relationship, he wants it, or every time is simply for the pleasure and not born from any feelings of connection, perhaps this indicates you’re not completely invested in this relationship. While sex isn’t everything, it is an important part of most relationships and can help you determine exactly how you feel.

As far as your sex dream goes, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you aren’t physically attracted to your current boyfriend and had this dream, especially if you are tending to fixate on this dream. If it’s something that truly doesn’t go away or begins to interfere with your relationship, it’s probably born of the insecurity of the relationship itself.

Determining exactly how you feel for your current boyfriend and why you feel that way for him can help you make sense of why this dream is sticking around.