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Saturday, February 9, 2013

Don't know what you got til its gone...

But what if it comes back?
And what if it's just not the same?

In this case, I'm talking about friendship.
I value the hell out of my friendships. I never like to lose friends.
But, you know when you have a falling out with a close friend, and it hurts and you mope and you miss them and it just sucks!
More than likely you've had this happen.
If not, I guess you can consider yourself lucky. :)

But then, what if you get the friendship back?
There are lots of people who have their falling outs, but then can reconnect and pick up where they left off.

However, that's not the case for everyone.
Or that's not the case every time.What do you do when it's just...different?

As I've mentioned before I had a falling out with a few friends last year.
Two of which basically happened on the same day.

One of them was way more harsh than the other.
We had fought and went our separate ways before, but we always somehow came back together and pretty much picked up where we left off, or even better.
But, this time we had been slowly drifting a part for a while, and things were different.
Outside factors were causing arguments.
And then there was the straw that broke the camels back.
It was on me, I admit it.
But then there were some things that were said that just can't be taken back...
That was on her.

So, that caused this falling out to be different.For me.
I did something I had never done before.
I was so mad/hurt by the accumulation of everything.
But, I refused to let it get me down. Almost as if to mentally say, "whatever."
I kind of wiped my hands clean of it. I let it roll of my shoulders.
I didn't spend crazy amounts of time thinking about it.
I didn't dwell too much over what all was said.
Even though it's still very much in my head.
Not sure if I'll ever forget it, it hurt.
Sure, I missed our friendship like crazy, this was the person I did everyythinggg with, but I didn't let myself think about it too much.
And of course, I missed another major factor even more than her, but I knew I couldn't change it.
So, I did what I had to do.
I just let it be.
I moved on.
Not easily at first, but I did.
And no matter how many times I did think about it,
or I did start to miss them.
I was very content.
And that feeling of contentment meant so much and felt so good.

I decided to live for me and my husband, and my family.
To have my/our fun and not worry about anyone else.
To not care what anyone else was doing or saying.
I had no drama, except for the typical bits of family drama.
Doug and I had SO much fun, and spent so much time together.

I was just downright happy! SO happy.
That happiness felt so good.

Months of no outside crap.
I mean, you never realize just how much drama someone brings into your life.
Even if you aren't part of the drama.
If that makes sense.
And it's just exhausting.

I go through my own issues, and to have other drama on top if it, is crazy.

So, for about 3 months, it doesn't seem like much now but it was then, I was great for the most part.
Aside from my own issues, everything was great.

And then...
communication started again.
I was wary of it.
If I'm being 100% honest, I didn't care for it.
I wasn't ready. But I was also trying to not be 100% cold.
And I really didn't open up to it for about a month or a month and a half.
She was a little more into reconnecting than I was. Fast forward 6 months.
I'm still just not 100% for it.
I feel bad about it sometimes.
But..
I'm just happy not worrying or thinking about what others do, say, and/or think.
And I'm happy not having to feel obligated for anything in any way.

We have hung out several times over the past 5-6 months
Things have been able to feel semi-normal.
We've been able to still have fun at times.
Still laugh, still cut up, still talk.
Have a good time, whatever. But it's just not the same.
There is still that awkwardness.
And my husband even notices it.

We're just not on the same page in many ways with many things.
I'm not saying we will never get back to being as close as we were.
But if we ever do, it's going to take a long time this time.
I am still cautious.
I'm just not ready to go all in.
I'm not willing to.
I will say we are friends again.
I can handle that, and I can be civil.
But I'm not sure when or if we'll get back to what we used to be.
If it weren't for the love I have for my God Son, and if it weren't for me missing him so much.
I'm not sure we would even be communicating as much as we are now.

But just the simple fact that because I so okay with what happened.
And content with the way things ended up being.
It almost aggravated me that it was all of a sudden being threatened with changing back.
And now, I almost feel like me being so cautious and sort of closed off will cause the tension to arise again.
But, I believe I've avoided any so far, because I just don't bother with it.
I feel like a super bitch.
Which I am.
But you get what I'm saying?
I really don't want to eventually hear a
"I'm trying but you're not."
Cause, well, I'm not giving full effort.
I refuse to when I know that there probably are several things that have been said about me already.

I just don't know.

Just goes to show that once you get to, or surpass a certain point, things can't fully go back to how they were.
You can try, and you can forgive, and you can forget-or try to-, but it's just not going to be the same.
That's how I feel about this friendship, right now.
And it really does suck.
Still have some hopes that it can get a little better.
But I'm being realistic at the same time, since I know who I'm dealing with.

Have you been through something similar with a close friend?
How was your experience?