Does anyone elses child have a useless father?

Amanda - posted on 02/05/2009
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Does anyone else feel like they are the only parent that feels any responsibility towards their child? I just don't understand the mentality that if I'm home with my son then I'm being a mom, but when his dad has him, he thinks he's babysitting. WTF?? Is it just me or is this a rediculous epidemic of useless fathers not taking responsibility for their actions?

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Alice - posted on 02/09/2009

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ok here is my story...

Dad wouldnt change nappies, bath, feed or interact with baby when born so i did it all by myself even when we were together

He lied, cheated, isolated me from friends and family ... I had depression but didnt realise until i left him Jan 07 when my daughter was about to turn one as on xmas day he was texting his cow infront of my family and new years eve.. he went out and cheated on me so enough was enough...

Ever since we broke up I have paid off $5 - $6 grand in debt he left me in, he has paid no money towards my daughters up bringing, she is about to go for 2nd surgery and this is where he becomes "golden daddy" - well he thinks

She sees him every 2nd weekend - but the altimatum is that she stays at his sisters and he stays there when she is there as he attempted suicide, used drugs (not to sure if still using), and alsorts!!

i wish he would just leave us alone but he thinks he is gods gift to woman and the best daddy in the world .. as he spoils her and i am mean mummy with boundaries... but she is happy when calmed down from coming back from his as she has a content smile every day and even if she has her tantys etc i know everything is going to be ok and that i know she loves me no matter what - just have to think positive and not negitive

But I believe in karma what goes around comes around.... his is coming :p

I don't know the age of your child, but my ex was acting the same way yours is now, that was 13 years ago! And to this day he still puts his personal life ahead of his daughter! The only advice I have for you is to know your own strength, b/c it's in you, you have it, don't feel guilty for using it, b/c you should be proud of it. GET RID OF HIM NOW WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE, while your child is young, b/c if you wait you won't ever be able to, and he could ruin the system you are trying to put into place. Good luck!! AND IT IS AN EPICEMIC OF DEAD-BEATS!

I don´t understand what makes a man behave this way. I am a lucky father to a 2 1/2 year old boy with another on the way. I love spending time with him, just the two of us. During the working week his mother starts work very early so she is available in the afternoon. I have the opportunity to drop him at his daycare center early too, so I can get to work, but I take this time instead to have one-on-one time with him; sharing breakfast, getting him ready and walking him to daycare. I also get one-on-one time at the other end of the day. I love it when he says ´Daddy, tell a story´. It´s a privilege to be his Daddy and I don´t take this for granted.

Wow!!! What can I say?....I have been doing the single parent thing for along time..Sometimes I'm ok with it and sometimes I look at my situation and think it's quite sad..My son is 8 years old now and his father has only came to visit him 3x since my son's been alive or we may happen to bump into him because my son's father works in the mall. Well enough ab deadbeat #1 let's move on to dead beat #2 shall we...My daughter is 4yrs old now and he left me when she was 1 and half and hasn't seen her and blames me because I told him I didn't want him around, Now ladies never let a man blame you for not being father's because legally mother's can not keep a child from seeing there father's if they are paying child support blaming me is just an excuse not to come see her...These men simply do not care about their children...and blame the women as to why they don't come around..but i'm thinking to myself what do I have to do with it..But you know what makes me so angry is that just imagine if the tables were turned and we women walked out of our children's lives, with no phone call, no visitation, not send a dime and see if you don't get called every degrading name known to the English vocabulary but men do it every day and nothing is being done about it..I guess James Brown said it best "This is a man's world and it wouldn't be nothing without a woman or girl".... yeah who is going to take on all the responsibility left by a dead beat man but a woman.

My daughters father left me the day i found out I was pregnant, came back right before she was born and left again, she I now almost 2 1/2 and has met him once, we cant always pick the fathers of our children, but dont we wish we could!

My dad is completely useless he claims he is looking after us by paying the water and electricity. But my mum is wow I would literally die for her she is a cleaner and gets low wages she is the one who pays for use to be clothed and gives us food she encourages me when she finds out I have done good in a test. If I tell my shit of a father he says he'll do something but never follows it up. He is a liar. He was quite abusive to me when I was younger. But know I am a teenager I know who really cares for me and that is my mum what my dad has done to me will surely back fire on him in the future. I HATE HIM. I don't know why my mum is still with him. He uses me and when the day comes on my graduation or my wedding day I know who I will have to thank for looking after me and that is my mum. I think he is better of being in prison than being in my life because he is that useless. I pray no one has to go through what I have to. Because a 15 year old girl needs her father and I practically don't have one

That's not against the law in your state?! It sure as heck is here, I'm sorry an that's probably just what you know he's done, theres always more.

Sorry I feel for you. My sons idiot dad was watching him at my house, and while giving him a bath, left him in the tub to run to the store for beer, kid you not, heard it from my five year old, so ya hes not allowed to watch him alone anymore...

My daughters dad isnt around. Even when he was I was basically raising her without him anyway. He has 4 other kids and he doesnt bother to see any of them. He hasnt seen nor bothered to call my daughter in a year and a half now. I see it as a blessing because all he wants to do is be jobless and drink all day :/ I made a bad choice with her father but Im trying my best to be a good mom, shes such a great kid :)

I am the non-custodial Dad. I have never missed my CS obligations while separated or after the divorce. But I lost my job almost a year ago. I still have been paying the full CS amount out of savings, but that has meant that I'm about to lose my house, as I haven't been able to pay the mortgage on that. I've been trying to get a job but they all seem to evaporate during the interview process. I see my kids every week, just about, as I take them to dinner one night a week. They're older now - 15, 19 and 23...and they've got their friends and the older two have jobs, too. My ex and I get along pretty well. She has remarried a guy who is good to my kids and although he is also unemployed, he's also trying to find a job.

The problem is that, despite my best efforts, I'm about to run out of money. I never dreamed it would take this long to find another job. I am depressed and despondent. I was raised to take care of my kids and I have. I love them more than life. But I will soon be in the position of being unable to take care of them financially for the first time in my life. And that thought has driven me to some extremes.

I can't help but think that they'd be better off without me. I know they love me, but I will soon not be able to provide for them except via a life insurance policy that has it's suicide clause expired many years ago - so even if I kill myself, it will still pay out. I feel as though I have become useless and worthless to them, my family and society. My only way to ensure college for them is to end it and let the insurance go to my ex as prime beneficiary.

As Moms with exes that you feel are useless or worthless - is this something that you feel would be welcomed by my ex and my kids? I am tortured about doing the right thing for them but I cannot live with myself if I am not being a good father.

AMEN SISTER! I experience the same thing. When my ex first moved out, he didn't keep the kids for about 9 months. One day, I asked him if he wanted to come hang out with the boys for a couple of hours on Saturday so that i could go into work. He told me that he "needed more advance notice than that." I thought you got the advance notice when the doctor said, "Congratulations, it's a boy."We have been divorced for almost 4 years now, and it hasn't improved much. I still have to pack them a bag to go to dad's house because they don't even have a pair of underwear at his house. So much for having two houses!Hang in there...check out my blog at http:stillmeonlystronger.com if you get time. I use it to vent...mostly about my ex!

My first post. I have been a single parent for 7 years of an 8 year old little girl's life. Although I balance child rearing, work, and caring for a home, I dont think being at home implies you are the only one that feels responsibility for a child. Raising kids alone is tough, especially without a support group. Your spouse may view fathering his child as babysitting, but he is missing out on being a father. Clearly, it is his loss but may impact your child also. It is a tough road to travel indeed. In the end, I believe the kids realise who their parent is and how you, the parent raise them, will impact their life. Stay strong!

I son's "father" is the same way. He gets him 2 nights a month and he's made the comment many times that he only gets him cause he has too. and really hes only been getting him one night a month. I've told him to give up visitation but he doens't because he knows it would make me happy for him to be completely out of my sons life. So there are other dead beat daddys out there!!

im glad i never met my father.. i think it was the best thing as i never had to have that in my face and taking it onboard that it was my fault that my father was useless etc.

any male can father a child... it takes work energy and love to be a dad.

i wish the deadbeat that sired mine had stayed away. the grandmother is the one that watches him on the custody time and VERY raraely the male shows up thankfully my 7 year old is so even tempered and steady that he just tells him "whatever" and goes off to play.

My kids have a useless father. A friend of the family's calls him deadbeat. I have been through alot with this guy. Right now he is in jail. He will be getting out soon. He is so determined to get the kids over night as soon as he gets out. But I refuse! In fact, I am refusing to let him see the kids by himself. I don't trust him. He lies all the time. It is all just so frustrating!!!!

I have a similar problem. My ex husband was the primary provider of our family. Drugs and alcohol got the best of him and after our divorce, when he was ordered to pay child support...he quit his job! He hasn't worked in over a year! $20,000 + in arrears!!!! How is THAT for deadbeat. Then he has the audacity to expect me to drive an hour to bring them to his house because "I am the one that moved away" *rolls eyes* Glad I am not alone in this department!

It is amazing to me how many of us there really are. My three girls all have the same dad and I stayed with him for years out of feeling that I had to. But, after the birth of the baby in 2005 things were not just going down hill but falling off a cliff. My ex got heavily involved in drugs and alcohol. He had always been a dabbler, but decided that was the lifestyle for him. He would hardy ever hold down a job and had decided to get himself declared disabled so he would never have to work. And that was just the end for me. He still call at extremely inappropriate times like 1am. But, has very little contact with the girls. He wants to call and say they are his girls, but he never sends money...buys them anything or gives of his time. Which trust me this is much better for them and I know it. But, yes it is sad to say there are many more deadbeat dads out there than there are good decent men. And if you find one of the decent ones count your blessings because yo never know what this life will do to you next.

i have 2 sons, 2 dif dads and both r as bad as each other!! lol my 5yr olds dad thinks its fine to only see his son 4x a yr and have no contact in between, not even a phone call!! lol we never know when he will suddenly get in touch for contact leaving my son hurt and confused by the whole situation. and my 7 mth olds father??? well lets not go there cos he seems to just be a non-starter, has seen his son just 3x, 2x m son was asleep and was the middle of the night!!!

Sperm does not make you a father, only love, caring and patience can be a father. I have twin 2 year old boys, the sperm donor has never once tried to put my beautiful boys before anybody. When we were together it was the exact same, his own kids were a chore and a hassel, meanwhile i give them every single ounce of me ! Since I left he's only seen them a couple of times, hasnt called, hasnt sent a dime either. However... I have a boyfriend who is 50 times the father the original sperm donor could ever be ! He loves nothing more than to see their smiling faces, he truly loves them like a real father ! When my mans not working he literally spends his all his time playing with them, helping them,,,doing everything with them ! They all love each other so much that it brings me tp tears sometimes! The actual sperm donor is practically non-existant now and has been permanently replaced by this amazing love. If you cant find this in their actual father, look for the mentor elsewhere. Wether it be an uncle or grandpa or even just a friend. Who is stable and can offer them real love that will never fade ! Good luck, sorry this sounded so corny !

Sperm does not make you a father, only love, caring and patience can be a father. I have twin 2 year old boys, the sperm donor has never once tried to put my beautiful boys before anybody. When we were together it was the exact same, his own kids were a chore and a hassel, meanwhile i give them every single ounce of me ! Since I left he's only seen them a couple of times, hasnt called, hasnt sent a dime either. However... I have a boyfriend who is 50 times the father the original sperm donor could ever be ! He loves nothing more than to see their smiling faces, he truly loves them like a real father ! When my mans not working he literally spends his all his time playing with them, helping them,,,doing everything with them ! They all love each other so much that it brings me tp tears sometimes! The actual sperm donor is practically non-existant now and has been permanently replaced by this amazing love. If you cant find this in their actual father, look for the mentor elsewhere. Wether it be an uncle or grandpa or even just a friend. Who is stable and can offer them real love that will never fade ! Good luck, sorry this sounded so corny !

I knew I wasn't the only one who felt like this, my sons father picks them up every two weeks and does not talk to them in between time, He pays no child support and here in Kentucky the child support system sucks.( they only help you if you receive state aid). But what do i do my sons Love him and I need more help with them.

I knew I wasn't the only one who felt like this, my sons father picks them up every two weeks and does not talk to them in between time, He pays no child support and here in Kentucky the child support system sucks.( they only help you if you receive state aid). But what do i do my sons Love him and I need more help with them.

I have 2 Children a boy 11 and a girl 7 their father is a deadbeat and it kills me to see what it does to my children. We split when my daughter was 3. We have a court order for him to see the kids on Wednesdays from 4 to 7 and everyother weekend but he doesn't follow it. He only calls every couple of weeks when it is convienient for him. Our court system sucks. He is such a liar saying he wants his kids but never calls them. My kids are getting older and my son is starting to understand my frustration with his father. My daughter is still to young to know what is really going on. I don't regret going it alone at all. It is much better for the kids not to have to deal with all the drama. I just wish the court system would take hi rights away completely, I mean he doesn't even have to pay child support.

I am so glad I am not in this boat alone. I have 2 kids with my "husband" and he does nothing but play 1 computer game that he's been addicted to for almost 2 years. We don't live together anymore and his day to see them is sunday, which he only comes for 3 hours IF he comes. So of course when he decides he don't want to come because he's have to deal with me or because HE is "tired" I look like the bad one trying to explain some lie about why he isn't coming today! I haven't lived with him since early December and let me tell you I couldn't be happier! the funny thing to that is that I'm living with his aunt and uncle who recently just started seeing how he really is and what i've been dealing with for 5 years! Thank god for my parents and his aunt & uncle! I also believe in karma, he'll get his. Karma is a bigger bitch than I could ever be!!!

i no exactly how u feel the father of my son is soo crap hasnt bought him anything sees him when he needs somewhere to stay and doesnt bother doing anything with him just gets everyone else to do it as if there his slave

Oh I had my share of useless fathers...I got divorced when I was 3 months pregnant.. the father came a week after i delivered..witha pack of pampers as a gift..as if this was not enough..i was in a deep depression..the best thing he said that i had to eat since i was his sons milk source..the bastard never sent a penny to his child.;the baby is now 7 months...thank god for my parents who have been a great help both emotionally and financially..

I am having the same problem, my ex goes around everyone in AA telling them how our girls are doing and he hasn't seen them since July 2008 by his choice. In october I got full custody and he got supervised visitation and has not once called to talk to his gilrs, or to see his girls. He didn't even get them anything for christmas, so we go back to family court in the next few weeks and I'm asking that his visitation rights be terminated since he never wants to see the girls and because he is $2000.00 behind in child support. My two year old askes where her daddy is and I just tell her that he is at his house and that he is sick and when he get's better maybe she can see him and the baby doesn't even know him. My girls will make up their own mind about their deadbeat dad when they get older, but right now I tell them that he does love them, but my two year old has said mommy no daddy doesn't love me because he is never here. So kids just know the truth somehow. Good luck tho

I completly understand!!! My ex knows my son is his, but because he doesnt want to pay childsupport he wont claim my son. The most imature thing in the word!! He recently convenced his parents that my son wasnt his because my son doesnt have his blood type. His stupidity is getting out of control. I deffinetly understand how u feel!

Unfortunately i'm in the same boat. Except my kids dad isn't even seeing them at the moment. It kills me to see them crying over him. I'm so sick of being the only responsible parent of these 2 fantastic children. Now lets add his girlfriend who screams nasties into the reciever while i'm trying to talk to him about his children on the phone. And what about the whole $12 he has to pay in child support a month (not even enough for bread and milk for a month). What a joke......

Sandra I hear that loud n clear!!!!!! I got 3 children 14yr girl, 10yr boy n 9yr girl, i'm in the exact same boat. did u realise that $12 % 3 kids and then % again by days in d month = just enough for 1 lollie each a day!!! lol And you know what I even have the added skitso gf! But believe me it's so much better for the kids to be the better person n let them be the dopes causing the dramas and scenes! Kids aren't stupid and they will eventually have enough! After all, we want our children to be the best they can be in life so if we dont guide them right who bloody will!! My son is never going to have a female write 1 bad word on here about him, he'll be the better man!!

Have you ever reflected back to when you was a child then saying the words, "I understand now why mum or dad did that?" eventually they realise too and that's the reward! It's so much easier to argue n it helps release steam but ur not getting anywhere anyway so y bother!

Unfortunately i'm in the same boat. Except my kids dad isn't even seeing them at the moment. It kills me to see them crying over him. I'm so sick of being the only responsible parent of these 2 fantastic children. Now lets add his girlfriend who screams nasties into the reciever while i'm trying to talk to him about his children on the phone. And what about the whole $12 he has to pay in child support a month (not even enough for bread and milk for a month). What a joke......

I know the feeling. Fortunately for me he does not even show his face. My 2 year old does not know her father and may never. He used to send a little money once in a while but that stopped about 6 months ago. Just found out from looking at his myspace that he is shipping off to Iraq soon, nice of him to tell me!

I wish I had at least one of them WANT to have them, my ex-boyfriend (dad to my daughter) left me when I was 6 months pregnant .. no futher story on that one

My ex-husband has yet to lay eyes on his son since he was a baby, and probably never will ... he never takes responsibilty even when called upon it, his "mummy" takes care of things and he is 35 yrs old!!

I have a 5 year old little girl and her dad (my husband) left about 4 months ago when we found out I was pregnant again, because he didnt want that much responsibility! I couldnt believe it! He didnt show any responsibility for our first one! what?! was he thinking he may actually have to start if we had 2?!? What a joke! and then he tried making it sound like he was doing us all a favour by saying 'I f'd up one childs life, would you want me to do the same to the next one?' aww how sweet is he! HA! OOOHH I could rattle on for hours with just how little he's ever done for our daughter but I'm just getting myself wound up.. lets just say in the time he's been gone, all up, the time he's spent with her probably wouldnt even make up 12 hours. And its a chore for him when he does!

It's amazing on what city, state, or country we're in; but my husband does it and he's at home. I really think it came from the MaMa's and i have 4 boys and always tell them that it's not going to be pass down

My son's sperm donor left 2 weeks after I told him I was pregnant. He played the role of father-to-be very convincingly; concerned about my eating and quiting smoking, etc. We were polar opposites... not exactly right for each other, he was into death metal, and demonic rituals I found out later, and I'm a totally hippie at heart, but I was thrilled to be expecting, taking on both challenges at once. But he simply text messaged me he couldn't handle being in a serious relationship, then disappeared for two weeks. There was no explanation why he bailed.

I didn't hear from him until my son was born... then he harassed me to no end, while sleeping with high school girls, he's 30, doing drugs, getting satanic tattoos, pierced his face in 7 spots, started wearing heavy eye-liner, and bad-mouthing me. He's worthless and extremely sick in the head. He still harasses me, threatens me with lawyers, and is generally an asshole.

We are definately better off without the deadbeat. Hopefully someday my son will understand. I'm a huge daddy's girl and can't imagine not having one around, but I'm doing alright and he has an absolutely amazing grandfather!

i suffer from the same crap mate ur not alone! I've been raising my 3 kids on my own now for 7yrs n their father is as useless as they come! for the first 4yrs he didn't have the kids overnight once. He attempted one weekend picked them up friday returned them saturday morning while i was at work!! tried to take them out of school purely to hurt me but failed. I had to start custody proceedings to ensure that wouldn't happen again, now he has them every second wkend half of school holidays. He works under the table to avoid any child support payments, wont help out finacially at all. If he buys them clothing or anything, it's to stay at his place. Even took the jacket off his own daughters back in the middle of winter when i picked them up one night. i didnt have the money to pay for it she had to leave it at his place! WTF??? That's just the lowest of all low! It's sad when u think about it, I could never be so heartless when it comes to my kids! I live n breath for them n would give my life for them if need be!

well i have to say that my kids dont get to see their father and that has to do with his own faults not theirs or mine and i have found that some men would not hesistate to take over as the dad role all depends on who u talk to or put urself and ur kids around dont give up hope

my sons dad's the same my sons nearly 2 spends all day with me when dad come's home it's like he don't care about him wont anwser to him enoure's him he dose nothing at all to help some man are useless!! lol it is hard coz u feel depreesed alot do u?

I hear you loud and clear. My son's father is definetly a dead beat. The last time his saw my son was when Noah was 3 months old. I tried doing the right thing with him and his family and finally couldn't take it any longer. We were going to court on a regular basis because he would not pay child support and so he finally agreed to sign over all parental rights. He nor his family have ever looked back. Noah is now 6 and is by far the best thing that has ever happend to me. With tremendous support from my family we are doing great. There have been and will still be times when things are very tough but I know we can over come anything.

lol myself n ex tried for 5 years, our child is due next month, three weeks ago he announced he was having an affair and walked out, unfortunately he can't have anything to do with baby in any way as its too upsetting for his new partner as she is going threw menopuase, do this count as a useless father? not to mention many other unprintable words.

I am single mum to 5 children with 2 father's that both need to grow up and act like fathers instead of 15 yr old idiots. I have tryed to make it easy for them to see thier children but they choose to be violent and abusive, break into my house and just make my life ....and thier childrens harder.

I'm not saying all men are like this and I pray that I will find a wounderful man...although will have big resevations about having more children after all I have had to put up with.

So girls never think you are alone thier are so many single mum's out there with deadbeat dad's!!

from reading all the comments, i now feel that i am not alone. my sons father hasnt seen him since he was around 18months old, i chucked him out when i found out he was stealing from myself and our childs money box!! he came round a couple of times when we split, but i told him hes a permanent fixture in his life or not at all!! as i wasnt having my son upset, as we would see him maybe once every 4wk or longer than that!! i gave him chance after chance to prove he could be a dad and that he had changed, but was constantly going round in circles. he took me to court once (i thinki just to winde me up) as once he got what he wanted he didnt turn up to the supervised visits and next time it went to court he withdrew the application!! NICE TOUCH!! anyway hes missing out as my son is the world to me and is a pleasure to have as he is funny,cheeky,helpful,healthy and a joy!! what more could you ask for.

Hi Amanda, I actually have the same problem but I'm still married. I joined the group to get an idea of what I might have to look foward to as a single mom cuz I'm at my wits end. My daughter has to say daddy 5 times before he'll even acknowledge her. And when I go out (seldom), he gets drunk while he watches her then makes me get up the next morning instead of us taking turns. It sounds like a stupid gripe but I'm always the one with her. I'd love to be able to stare at the tv all night and call that parenting!!

Reading some of these comments, I can't tell which situation's worse...having a dad around that interferes negatively, or one that has abandoned the child completely...but with the threat that they could return when you least expect it!

In my situation, my son's dad left the country went back to his homeland of czech rep when he was 5 months old and has made no contact in over 2 yrs...so my son's no idea who he is...but I'm left in a situation where I'm watching over my shoulder for the day he reappears to cause problems, be it soon or in years to come, and I know someday I've gotta explain to my child that his dad just wasnt' interested enough in us as a family to make contact for all these years. Yes, it's easier that there's only one parent for discipline etc etc...but there's no father to give me a break at all...no matter how annoying it might be to have him around...it's a tough call as to what's worse,

I have a soon to be 13 year old son, who's father is totally useless. From the time my son was 3 we have been gone. He sees his "father" for lack of a better word once a week, and goes to his house. While there dad watches tv and expects his son to play with his girlfriends kids while he watches. It is getting to the point my son dreads Sundays... Babysitting, boy do I hear that!!!!