How to Be a Flying Douchebag

Traveling is supposed to be fun, but getting there? Not always so much. Futilely searching for a seat while surrounded by snacks that are too expensive is not most travelers’ favorite way to start a trip, but it’s bearable. However, it can go south pretty quickly when fellow passengers decide to do baffling things. In these situations, people are rarely trying to be douchebags, but they just seem to have a natural knack for it. Uncertain about your role as a frequent flyer?Read on to find out how to be “that person” at the airport.

Be an aggressive queuer. We get it: you’ve got somewhere to be. You should definitely push and prod the person in front of you like a jockey on a racehorse, because yes, that will make the line move more quickly. If he or she still doesn’t get the hint, please take that as a sign that you should start tapping your foot (in the most patient manner, of course). A well-executed release of exasperated breath will definitely seal the deal and get things moving more efficiently.

Argue with the baggage clerk. It’s just a few extra pounds over weight: a few measly pounds. Surely if you explain yourself and plead enough the clerk will understand. He or she is the one who made the rule in the first place, so they are obviously the one responsible for your current grief. Still saying, “No”? Ignore those fake apologies because now they’ve made it personal. Raise the volume of your voice to show that you mean business, and maybe throw in one of the exasperated exhales discussed above.

Don’t prep yourself for security. Even though you’ve probably flown countless times and know the drill, pretend that something has suddenly changed in the routine. Maybe this time they won’t ask you to remove your laptop from your backpack, so why take it out prematurely? Plus, those security guards can see that you have shoe laces that require at least two minutes of untying time, so they will likely let you slide through the metal detector with them on. While you’re at it, leave your keys, change, and cell phone in your pockets. They’ll only have to use the electro stick and pat you down on the other side, which is basically the same as putting them in the dish provided after all.

Hold up boarding plane. Think your wheely suitcase might be too big to carry on? Best to still try. That woman can definitely shove her duffle bug under the seat. Still won’t fit? Definitely keep trying to force it while the other hundred people wait in the aisle for you. It’s even better if you’re forcing your luggage into an overhead compartment that isn’t paired with your seat number. Someone else doesn’t need it anyway, and if they do the flight attendant will find somewhere for them.

Remember that the flight attendant really is your personal assistant. Take that announcement during the introductory announcements literally: they’re really there to serve you. There is no limit to pressing the little side button that will summon them. If they don’t respond immediately, alert them to this by pressing it again. They only have to walk down the aisle space- what could possibly cause them to take so long? You paid good money for that flight, which entitles you to ask for all twelve varieties of beverage. This will only make you have to climb over your neighbor to use the bathroom eight or nine times, so no harm done.

The passengers surrounding you do not exist. A woman on one of my recent flights was oblivious to the fact that she kept repeatedly slamming her seat backwards and into a very tall gentleman’s knees. The guy was too polite to actually say something, opting instead to try to clear his throat and subtly inform her. She clearly didn’t care. Needless to say, it wasn’t a pleasant 13 hour flight for him- it probably doesn’t help that I kept accidentally waking from sleep and having bodily spasms of which he was the victim. Sorry, guy!

Complicate disembarkation. As the plane finally descends and lands safely, you wake up from that multi-hour nap. Thanks to nonverbally claiming the mutual arm rest, you’re feeling rested and ready to partake in the rumble that is exiting the aircraft. How great for you, as you’ve been dying to get out of that tiny confined space for ages. Everyone else should sit down and wait while you remove your suitcase from the overhead at a leisurely pace. Once you remove it, hold your ground in the aisle way. That older couple with the baby two rows in front of you will just have to wait, because you letting them in just isn’t happening. You earned that space with the preemptive jump you made when the fasten seat belt sign turned on.

*Sorry that this post does not provide photos. Taking pictures of people being rude on airports would, in fact…be rude.

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Hi I’m Leah

In 2012, I left the U.S. in search of adventure. This site allows me to share the stories and bites from along the way, and to offer a little inspiration for anyone who wants to be a "Yes" person. Welcome!