That Lam Chop was Delightful

My life is currently like an attempt on goal from Frank Lampard; it lacks any real direction. The wife tries to fill her void with a part time job in a psychiatric hospital; it`s great that they can relate to someone on their own level.

There was a heated discussion at the wife`s workplace on the relative merits of Steven Gerrard MBE and Frank Lampard BFG. Opinion was split right down the middle; the staff sided with Stevie, the patients plumped for Frank.

The great thing about a debate of this nature is the fact that there is no wrong answer; apart from 'Lampard`. The argument has momentarily been settled by a freak injury, although that`s a little bit harsh on Wayne Rooney. Nobody can argue against a punt on Chelsea at 1/3 to take care of Watford.

You don`t become a bad player overnight; it took Robbie Savage almost two years. I`m taking the 9/2 for a Shevchenko opener.

Historical stats are like Helen Chamberlain, they`re often reeled out but they serve no useful purpose. Middlesbrough have lost on their last four visits to West Ham, but I wouldn`t put anyone off a draw at 23/10.

The last time the Gunners visited Anfield, the Arsenal kids ran amok so uncontrollably, the local council considered issuing ASBOs. The Gunners look a great investment at 23/10 to leave Liverpool victorious for a third time.

Julio Baptista has had his knockers this season, but he always turns it on against the Reds. I like big Baps; he can open the scoring at 8/1.

I was shocked to read that Sir Alex Ferguson fired a flurry of insulting expletives towards the jovial Geoff Shreeves. The roving reporter was considering suing for slander, but Fergie`s 'I thought it was Tim Lovejoy` defence is watertight. I`m convinced that the 1/3 for a United win over Blackburn is also rock solid.

Bolton will be without Ivan Campo for the visit of the Blades as a routine haircut has ran into major complications. Big Sam`s men will mow down Sheffield United at 4/6.

I`m quite a spiritual being; in fact I have the ability to heal. I once roused a young lady from a drunken stupor merely by the laying of hands. She`s now completely teetotal.

Alan Pardew has breathed new life into the previously moribund Charlton; Wigan are going down in the Valley at 6/5.

Chris Coleman deserves a pat on the back. It`s easier to take something away from Tony Martin`s cottage than it is from Fulham`s. The Coleman`s mustard, they`ll see off Pompey at 5/4.

Spurs fans are still reeling from a disappointing result against the champions. Everyone knows you should throw the jab before considering a haymaker. I`m getting stuck into the 4/5 for a Tottenham win over Reading.

The ice on which Stuart Pearce`s position sits is so thin; ecological organisations have pleaded with Frank Lampard to steer clear. Manchester City won`t enjoy their trip to Newcastle, it`s far too close to Scotland. City have lost at St James` Park on their last five visits, another Newcastle win at 21/20 will put the icing on Psycho`s cake of sorrow.

My search for a more fulfilling existence has led me to consider embracing an alternative religion. I`ll speak to Geoff Shreeves; Sir Alex mentioned something about a cult. I`m praying that the Villa beat Everton at 7/5.

This week`s accer is so eye-opening, I`ve finally realised that the secret to happiness was right in front of me all along; I live across the road from an off-license. Charlton, Newcastle, Tottenham and Aston Villa are the selections, the 17/1 payout will cover the cost of a crate of enlightenment.

Weekend Betting:

Liverpool v ArsenalSaturday 31st March 12:45 Live on Sky

Liverpool 5/4Draw 9/4Arsenal 23/10

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:Baptista to score from outside the penalty area 7/1

Bolton v Sheff UtdSaturday 31st March 15:00

Bolton 4/6Draw 5/2Sheff Utd 9/2

Get on: Bolton

Match Special:Bolton to win and keep a clean sheet 17/10

Charlton v WiganSaturday 31st March 15:00

Charlton 6/5Draw 23/10Wigan 12/5

Get on: Charlton

Match Special:Darren Bent to score two or more goals 11/2

Fulham v PortsmouthSaturday 31st March 15:00

Fulham 5/4Draw 9/4Portsmouth 11/5

Get on: Fulham

Match Special:Bouba Diop to score with a header 12/1

Man Utd v BlackburnSaturday 31st March 15:00

Man Utd 1/3Draw 4/1Blackburn 19/2

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:Scholes to score at any time 11/4

Newcastle v Man CitySaturday 31st March 15:00

Newcastle 21/20Draw 23/10Man City 3/1

Get on: Newcastle

Match Special:Martins to score the only goal of the game 25/1

West Ham v Middlesbrough Saturday 31st March 15:00

West Ham 5/4Draw 23/10Middlesbrough 9/4

Get on: Draw

Match Special:Match to finish 1-1 or 2-2 7/2

Watford v Chelsea Saturday 31st March 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Watford 9/1Draw 7/2Chelsea 1/3

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:Shevchenko to score a hat-trick 25/1 Tottenham v ReadingSunday 1st April 16:00 Live on Sky