Monday, January 16, 2017

13 CAMERAS (2015) [Joe's Review]

In 13 Cameras, the protagonists have all the wrong
anxieties. They’re worried about their marriages, their jobs, their affairs.
But really they should be worried about the insane landlord hiding in their
basement with a ball peen hammer.

Paul’s review destroys 13 Cameras so completely and
effectively that there’s no pressure on me to say anything. I’m just going to chew on this thing like a day old cheeseburger and make a ton of masturbation jokes. Hey, you were warned.

As mentioned, this is a movie about a couple that rents a
house. The guy cheats on the girl, the mistress begins to get a little erratic,
and then the psycho hulk landlord kills everyone.

So, where do the 13 Cameras of the title come into play?
Well, the landlord sets them up throughout the house but they don’t really matter.
It’s not like Silence of the Lambs where Buffalo Bill uses night vision goggles
to put himself at a tactical advantage. Instead, the landlord uses the cameras
to watch the family while he jerks off and eats cheese burgers. And the purpose
of that is for you to watch the landlord watching the family through them. Cheeseburgers
and jerking it optional.

The landlord interludes remind you
that you’re not just watching a bad Lifetime movie about a couples’ domestic
woes, you’re watching a movie where a psycho kills people with a hammer. The
problem is, he’s watching it, too. Apparently, he has these 13 cheeseburgers,
and they aren’t just going to eat themselves. If this movie were titled 1
Hamburger, A Quick Wank, and then Hammer Time! it would probably have been a
lot better. But hey, maybe that’s a secret of successful murderous property
managers: eat fewer cheeseburgers, get more done.

Besides, without the 13 cameras, the landlord would need a
different hobby. You’d get random cuts of him roller-blading or washing his
dog or apparently lifting weights. Because the landlord is ripped. He's old man
ripped. He must spend hours practically chained up in the basement of 24 Hours
Fitness. I mean, if jerking off and eating cheeseburgers were the secret to a muscular physique then I'd, well people would...have three fewer New Years' resolutions to make.

Joe's Questions for Paul:

1. When do you think you'd realize that your dad was really a psycho landlord abductor?

PH: You would think it would be when you first had to deliver cheeseburgers to the women locked up in the basement, but if you were raised that way, it would seem normal to you. It's where cheeseburgers go. So really, the question is, when do most kids realize that psycho landlord abductors exist? Probably when they are first read the story of Hansel and Gretel by their kindergarten teacher. And then there would be the awkward-in-retrospect questions you would pose about where the witch would get Hansel and Gretel their cheeseburgers if she lived so far out in the woods, and how the witch handled things like hygiene matters and rope burns and whether she reused or recycled her excrement buckets. I'm sure you'd have lots of practical questions, if no moral compass.

2. What common bits of fatherly wisdom would be recast when you did?

PH: Well, "don't talk to strangers" might here specifically refer to members of the special victim's unit.3. What would be the upside of having a hulk psycho collector father?

PH: Love, a sense of belonging, support, encouragement AND a kickass personal essay for college admissions.

4. What would be some of the downsides?

PH: Late-night screaming, more chores, an inability to distinguish between good and evil, and even more chores.