Romney Raises $101 Million in July, Would Give It All Away to Be a Real Boy

Team Romney, a ragtag band of personified home appliances not dissimilar to the cast of The Brave Little Toaster,raised $101.3 million last month, making July the “second consecutive month that Romney has raised more than $100 million in a month, having first broken his own monthly fundraising record in June by bringing in $106 million,” CBS News reports. “How much more until I’m able to purchase the capacity for happiness?” Romney whispered to his blender, which responded with an encouraging hrmmmmmm.

Barack Obama, meanwhile, raised just $75 million in July. Romney’s like, “Oh man, Barack, that July fundraising number is so low, you don’t even have to pay taxes on it.”