This week I’m trying out a new format. The questions are in BOLD type. The answers are in REGULAR type. OK, got that? Good. Let’s get started.

What does it mean when you break up with a girl because of how she treats you…..and she offers no resistance?

It means that she didn’t take the relationship seriously. Obviously she just didn’t care enough, or she saw it coming. Maybe she was hoping you’d break it off. If she treated you bad then be happy she just left. Nobody needs a stalker or tears. If you wanted to hurt her because of the way she treated you please rethink those feelings. I know it is natural to want her to feel the kind of pain that you did, but it is better to just move on. Any negative emotional ties you keep will only hurt you – not her. I’m not saying to act like it is all good – because it isn’t. This woman obviously hurt you. What a bitch. Just be glad that you made the move, and now you can learn from the experience and move on.

My cat keeps giving me the stink eye. What should I do?

Get over it. That is what cats do.

Do Vampire have a blood pressure? If so do you do that thing…

That thing? Ahhh you’re making me laugh.

Yes, we have blood pressure. Blood doesn’t just sit coagulating in our bodies like so much sewage. And as for “that thing,” yes, male Vampires can and do get erections if they have enough blood in their bodies. Of course if some guy has been in a crypt for a year and is all dried out he isn’t going to sit up and make passionate love to his lady on the graveyard grass. He is going to hunt first THEN make passionate love to his lady. You know, that is just the way it works.

Does sex feel better for Vampires than humans?

Hell yeah.

My boyfriend loves to kiss me in public, but I’m more of a private person. I don’t want to say anything to hurt his feelings, but I’d much rather enjoy his affections behind closed doors. How do I break it to him?

I keep imagining somebody yelling “GET A ROOM.”

Nobody likes to watch somebody else making out in public. A small kiss, hand holding, and walking close is ok. Kissing on a beach while watching a sunset is ok. Kissing in public is not. Who likes to be at an event and end up sitting next to the couple who are making out? Nobody.

You need to tell him that you adore him, but you also need to tell him that kissing in public makes you uncomfortable. That goes for anything that makes you uncomfortable – you need to tell him. If you’re in this relationship for the long-term you need to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t bitch at him or yell at him. Be gentle but direct. Then have him listen to the song Cold Cold Man by Saint Motel. It says it all.

I recently heard the term succubus. What does that mean? And is it sucky?

Yes it is sucky. A succubus is a female demon who goes to men, usually while they are asleep, and seduces them. Even though they take the form of beautiful women, they’re nasty creatures. Encounters with a succubus poison both the body and the soul. They are what some guys would call “bat shit crazy bitches.”

I’ve several posts about demons, especially concerning my brother Max who deals with nasty horrible things on a daily basis. Look up demons on the search on this blog, or CLICK Herefor one example.

My cat goes crazy at night, Juliette. He hisses at the same blank spot in the corner, and I’m beginning to think we have a ghost. If so, how do I get the ghost to leave? It’s upsetting.

Poor kitty. Yes, cats do see ghosts and sprints. The first thing you need to do is to confront the ghost directly. Tell it firmly, and without fear, to leave your house. Don’t ask it. Just tell it that it is not welcome. This works most times. Seriously, tell that ghost to get the Hell out of your house.

If the cat is alone in the dark leave on a night-light. Play the radio softly in the background. Try making a safe spot for your cat. Kitties love soft plush blankets. Create a bed that is only for your cat, and let him know that space means he is loved.

I would be interested in the anatomy of a Vampire.

Due to time restrictions (on my part) I’ve made a quick diagram from an image I swiped off of the Internet.

All jokes aside, I’m assuming you wish to learn how we suck blood, how we get that blood quickly into our own blood streams, why we are so cold, and why we live so long. Along with that you are also curious about fangs, Vampire conversion, mind control, etc. That is a lot for this column. Give me time and I’ll, maybe, come up with a detailed explanation, with drawings. In the meantime bask in the mystery of it all and use your imagination.

My dog PeeWee talks. Yes, he speaks to me. But he only does it when no one else is around or will refuse to speak on command if I ask to prove to others that I am not crazy. Although he is really cute with big brown eyes and a seemingly happy disposition around others, when we are alone he berates me for any little thing. He is bossy and manipulative too. His deep Barry White voice is mesmerizing and hearing him speak fascinates me. My dilemma is that now he has taken to humping people’s legs when I have visitors and after they leave he laughs and makes fun of people’s reactions to him humping their legs. It’s really mean. How do I make him behave around others; and how can I stop him from being so bossy and manipulative towards me?

No more pig ears or cheese for PeeWee. What a nasty little creature. I could tell you to discuss the situation with him and find out what the root cause of this is. But forget that. Don’t ask him if he is acting out due to some puppy trauma, or if he feels inadequate. The dog is an asshole. Explain to PeeWee that if he does not behave that there will be consequences. Let him know that you will leave him at home when you go out. Also tell him that he will have to go outside or stay in a crate in a back bedroom when you have guests over. Restrict his treats until he learns to show you some respect. As the dog “owner” you are the leader of the pack. Get beyond the voice. You already know what it does to you. The next step is to realize that it is just a voice coming out of a dog – a dog who is a real jerk.

I know I just said not to talk to the beast but… If it makes you feel more comfortable you could have a deep soulful conversation with the dog. Ask him why he is being such a jerk. Listen, but don’t let him try to turn things around. Dogs don’t lie as much as cats do, but they can play the poor me card. Don’t let him do that. Keep the upper hand. If all else fail find a new home for him. No dog should ever feel like a bad boyfriend.

Don’t tell anyone you can hear him talk or they’ll think you’re crazy. I know, dogs (and sometimes cats) pull this kind of crap all the time.

I have the ability bilocate and multilocate by way of quantum mechanics via quantum motion. This basically means that I can be in 2 places at the same time or even in a multiverse, etc. It’s all rather complicated but I have figured out how to do it. Anyway, should I disclose to my loved ones and my boyfriend? I’m afraid they will see me differently or may scare them away. Up until now I have not told anyone. At first they may think I am crazy but when I prove to them my capability it just may scare them. Any advice will be helpful. Thanks.

Remember the album by Firesign Theater: How can you be two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all? OK back to the question.

First a warning. Avoid time travelers because they are almost always sneaky and untrustworthy.

People tend to fear or distrust anyone who is different or out of their realm of possibilities. I’d recommend bringing up the subject first, as in just a conversation. Like, “I read something on ILFS this morning about the ability bilocate and multi locate.” You never know, someone else might also have this ability. Seriously, do you have that family member who always seems to get more done than everyone else? Think about it.

Unfortunately most people will just think you’re weird or nuts if you tell them about your ability. Just keep it to yourself unless you’re sure someone else you are close to can also be two places at once.

I’m glad to hear you didn’t say you have two husbands or something along those lines. You have an amazing gift. Use it wisely.

I’ve asked my girlfriend to marry me three times. Her answer is always “Not now.” What should I do?

She is telling you “not now” to be nice. Face the fact that she isn’t going to marry you. Not now, not ever. Not now means never. It is time to move on. You don’t need a reason from her. Don’t torture yourself – just move on. By the way, I think she is seeing someone else.

Does Dracula have a harem of Vampire girls?

No, the fictional character of Dracula, featured in the book Dracula by Bram Stoker (1897), does not have a harem of Vampire girls. Three beautiful sort of scary Vampire women live with Dracula in his castle. They might be sisters. At least one might be his sister. No matter who they are, these three girls are hot and use their beauty and seductive powers to get, well, you know, blood. Dracula makes them happy by bringing them small children and babies. It is implied that Dracula turned them into Vampires, so let’s just assume that is true, as far as Stoker’s story goes.

One of the women is blonde. The other two have dark hair.

The term “bride” or “harem” is never used in the novel. I believe they’re just roomies. That said, I’m sure Dracula is a player and sleeps around, because, well, he is Dracula so he can do pretty much whatever he wants.

The only time my phone ever rings is when someone wants something from me. People want rides, favors or to offer me work I don’t want. All I want is a little time to myself. Is that too much to ask?

It isn’t too much to ask.

Let your phone go to massage mode. If is an emergency they’ll leave a message. If you’re using a smart phone set a different ringtone for important people you WANT to talk to. Just ignore everybody else. Turn the phone to vibrate.

Just about everyone else will say, “tell them to fuck off,” but unfortunately you might have to see some of these folks later.

You have to be good to yourself. You need your time. Take it.

Ask Juliette is a regular Thursday feature here at VampireMaman.com

If you have questions about relationships, parenting, Vampires, paranormal stuff, dogs and cats, parlor tricks, or anything else (and I mean anything) just ask, and I’ll do my best to give you an answer. Send all questions to: juliettevampiremom at gmail dot com

I was half way listening to somebody at home (my husband) telling me something semi-serious when I glanced over to check comments on my blog. I started to laugh out loud when I read this. I couldn’t stop. I still can’t. The child keeps asking, “Mom, what are you doing?”