BDSM Diaries: To Switch or not to Switch? #1

Well, if you did – you’d be wrong. Put me in front of someone I have no connection with, other than the connection I’m about to make via a paddle or a crop and I am about as evil as you want. Throw love or even lust in there and it’s a completely different ball game.

This post is a long time appearing mainly because I was scared to post another. I wrote it quite a while a go and bits have been tweaked again but I never posted it until now because I wasn’t really sure if people were interested in our dynamics or how our relationship works. Twitter poll and fast forward on, here we are.

Earlier I said I had many half written BDSM posts in my drafts and tbh, I dunno if I should finish them

I struggle to inflict pain on people I love – I guess it’s because I’m a soft shit. I let people I love walk all over me – now don’t get me wrong I am well able to stand my ground if I feel passionate over something but as a rule, I’m a rug. I also majorly struggle with inflicting pain – physically as well as mentally on my OH. I go out of my way to keep him pleased. I’m naturally submissive. I enjoy submitting to him.

I live to serve him, please him and keep him happy.

A while back he suggested I Top. I pretended I didn’t hear him and then it ate away at me until I brought the subject up again. Here’s a flashback to our experiences.

A memory that sticks out so well to me is the second time my OH requested I top. Well, it was more of a training session I guess and it’s so vivid. Thinking out loud here – I can’t actually remember the first. I know it happened as I wrote it in my notes but my memory seems to have blanked it out. Anyway, back to the second time… I had laid out a few impact items – a tame enough paddle, my favourite crop and cane, some bondage tape, a gag and a blindfold. Nothing too scary. As well as all that, I had a wand, massage candles, a feather and also some bondage candles.

I wanted to create a night full of sensory overload – one I could test out various items to see how reacted and things I felt comfortable using.

I picked up a crop and with mild force, it went thwack against my OH’s left butt cheek. No reaction from him, I upped the force. Still nothing, I opted to try the cane. Again, mild force to slightly higher, I finally got the acknowledgement I was looking for however, shock and surprise filled me as he picked up the crop and explained his masochistic streak was in fact stronger than I realised and proceeded to beat his back, thighs and anywhere else he could get a whack at – with force.

I sat there amazed – pretty certain my mouth opened wide enough to catch flies. He explained he wanted to show me that I shouldn’t be afraid of hurting him because it would take a fair beating to do so.

Next, I was to learn to use a crop correctly. Pressure, angle, force – it’s an art. And, it took me a while of whacking him as well as my myself to understand that it’s not just about all those – where you hold it matters, how the skin is prepared first and most importantly, communication.

I really can’t stress how important communication.

All the basics were in place. I still struggled. Even now, over a year on, I still struggle. It’s all about the mind and learning to train myself that ‘this is OK’; ‘I have his consent’; ‘He enjoys this – I am pleasing him’. I guess that’s a bit of a pep talk with myself typing that.

Hidden behind a veil of pretense is a scared submissive/switch – a wannabe Domme rearing to go. I know it would change the dynamics of our relationship greatly. I know he gets his release out on me maybe letting go and releasing myself might be good for me? Fuck – I think it would be great for me. Right now, I usually opt for lingerie to achieve the Domme look. Though, I need more practice if I’m honest. Fuck – I need a ton more practice. I feel the anxiety kick in as I type that.

He keeps mentioning if I’ll Top him again – I want to. But *whispers* I’m scared. What if I hurt him and it puts him off ? Or worse, he loves it too much and wants me to Top more and I never get my subby ass cheeks whacked again. *shocked face*

Fast forward on… I’ve a catsuit, really epic pair of Domme looking knee high boots and a stunning evil pair of vampire gloves in my possession…. I am wanting to try – will I succeed? So watch this space for part #2.