– Don’t forget to watch the Meet Me There teaser trailer. It’s a thing I did and am proud of. I’ll try not to spam you about it. We’re organizing our first announceable screening for April right now, and if you know anything about my schedule in April (and more importantly, Dustin’s schedule) you might be able to figure it out.

Anyway, please click through to enjoy the Best and Worst of WWE Raw Normal School for January 20, 2014. TH’YANIMAL BATISTAR!!!

DB’s health would be too important to risk even for a Wrestlemania. 28 and 29 didn’t make him a star (not even 18 seconds (he’s been getting cheered from day one)), being The Actual Best In The World, every night, did. DB doesn’t need Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania needs DB.

also, guys, bryan can still win an elimination champer to get in a triple threat at mania or something. the elimination champer will be even better for some raged bryan carnage! also, triple threat at mania 30!! think about it!!!

Got all excited when I saw that photo, then paused. Said myself, “Self, I bet roughly 800 other people thought the same by-damn thing.” Then ran to the comments without even finishing the recap and found I didn’t even have to scroll. And so here we are.

“Ma’am, I will be taking this car now. It is a crime known as carjacking, which is in fact, short for car hijacking. I require use of an automobile but do not currently posses one, forcing me to unlawfully comandeer yours.” – Randall Keith Overexplainer

1. Having not ever been to Rhode Island, I take it at face value and assume that Cena had to swim at least part of the way.
2. I’m not sure. Why is the hypothetical Zack Ryder so far away from being a WWE Superstar?
3. Don’t worry about it. SuperCena can just fly around the Earth backwards and reverse time enough that he actually punches in about 12 minutes before the show.
4. About as important as his home country. Which is either Jamaica, South Africa, or Detroit. I’m still not 100% sure.
5. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning both still care.
6. No, actually Orton over explained the situation enough to Uber that it was impossible for him to not be picked up at that exact moment.
7. I just assumed he owned a pink mustache, yes.
8. Zack Ryder DEFINITELY owns a pink mustache.
9A. MLK Day
9B. He had a dream.
9C. ‘Merica
10. Better, faster, and cheaper than a taxi.

I know everyone is annoyed with the “wait-and-see” stuff at this point, but it’s worth pointing out that Austin didn’t win the 99 Rumble and still ended up main eventing WrestleMania. I know it’s a little different because he was actually IN the Rumble and the entire match was predicated on McMahon and the Corporation making sure he didn’t win it. I guess my point is that just because a guy doesn’t win the Rumble doesn’t NECESSARILY mean he’s not main eventing Mania.

elimination champer + daniel bryan putting 4 guys in the corners and running dropkick’ing all of them = awesomeness + chance at also main eventing mania.

I don’t think WWE is that stupid to miss on a whole arena YES’ing loudly and going bonkers for 30+ minutes at the biggest main event of their biggest PPV ever (no matter if bryan wins the match or not, and of course with probably other draws in the main event if they don’t trust bryan to be a draw for some reason.)

I didn’t get to watch most of the show live last night so I missed all the good open thread/twitter banter so I ask: Is CM Punk on drugs? He looks sick and in the ring he moves like hot garbage. That running knee to Mr Ass was the slowest thing I’ve seen outside of a Khali match.

Is this just because he’s stuck in a feud with two old guys and he doesn’t care or is something else going on?

Well… that would put a twist on that promo and his character as a whole, but yeah, seriously though, Punk seems kind of lethargic in almost everything he does lately, and the stories he’s getting written into aren’t helping at all, either.

Punk’s said before that he tends to work on four hours sleep per night, or that four hours was a good night’s sleep. That might have worked out well when he was in his twenties, but he’s been getting progressively more and more sickly looking since around the time of the arse-end of SES. Bunking with AJ can’t be doing much for a man’s ability to sleep soundly, either.

I cant stand Punk. They need to quit trying to push his slow awkward ass and push someone who, i dont know, the crowd chants his name throughout every show…

I watch Punk get pushed all day in all different way with all different guys. Getting all this attention. Then I get to watch Daniel Bryan, who is by far a better wrestler than “the best in the world” and all he is doing is fueding the same three weirdos every show.

Heres a hint WWE, if the crowd uncontrollably chants the guys name every night hes on tv or not, you will make more money pushing HIM. People getting to see what they want, will it ever happen?

Two important (to me at least) things that I took away from last night’s RAW:

Ever been to a bar on a Thursday afternoon/early evening (if this was KSK, I wouldn’t have phrased that as a question) and seen that mom (or group of moms) sitting by themselves? You know the ones – somewhere between 40 and 50, kids in their mid-teen to early twenties, fake tanned, hair done up, and wearing clothes from Forever 21? Yeah, Dave Bautista (or at least his wrestling equivalent, Dave Batista) is the male version of that, complete with shitty, embarassing belly button tattoo. And yes, this is completely posted out of anger because the Royal Rumble will be the first PPV I’ve attended since InVasion, and I’m fairly confident that a) Big Dave’s going to win the Rumble, and b) it’s going to end up being far, far worse than InVasion was (if significantly less historically awful).

Secondly, until last night, I was only about 99.9999% sure that the entire announce team needed to be fired, the announce table burnt, and the mats that it rests on salted. But between them calling the Emma Dance the hokey-pokey, and then ending the show by suggesting that Orton stole a car when HE CLEARLY GOT INTO THE PASSENGER SIDE OF SAID CAR, now I’m 100% convinced. Regal and Renee, please.

I love good wrestling car based mysteries like who drove the hummer and Rikishi hitting Stone Cold. This is another good one for the list. Will the person driving that car ever truly understand why they were hijacked by a man wearing only underwear and being chased by a man with attire that was somehow even more embarrassing?

I’m with you on The Shield, Stroud. They should just make up some new triple Tag Team Championship (3T CHAMPS!) and let them just massacre everyone. Also, if I could see Roman Reigns super punch everyone I would be soooo happy.

I have a difference of opinion with the Mae Young tribute video, I thought it was perfect. The “degrading” things she went through, in line with her reputation on the road, makes it obvious she’s enjoying her character.

Surprisingly (considering my wifi-enabled hard-on for Mr. “White Hot” Bryan at the moment), Harper has been _killing_it_ in the ring recently. It’s the same sh*t that Del Rio does that just marks them out from the other guys pretending to wrestle. Hell, get DR to grow a beard and have him give in to the dark side. Or just stick him back in the mask and busting out the MMA.

yeah, lesner has become seth rollins with muscles, and it’s on par with my favourite things on RAW now! (the shield members’ facial reaction & shouting/moving around during matches when they’re not tagged in, the shield members’ awesome wrestling, emma, imagining how the voices in orton’s head make him over-explain and daniel bryan’s running dropkicks in the corner)

he said important stuff here with a meaning, though (and he always does. seriously. point me to any of his past promos and I’ll point that for you.)

he said that only the foolish will fly with their free wings into the cage again. basicly, bryan should’ve accepted wyatt helping him vs the authority, but he didn’t, and it could cost him when the authority team up on him again. also, he said that bryan’s plan last week didn’t reveal wyatt’s weaknesses (because he doesn’t have any. because he doesn’t have goals or fears in life. he knows that getting beat up once doesn’t change anything, really, nor winning something once (or even twice) does. (poor bryan and his less than one day WWE title reigns…)) but instead, he just revealed himself to them and betrayed their trust and denied their offers, which is dishonourable and might have severe consequences.

I find wyatt’s self-awareness in the WWE universe bubble the most intriguing. especially with all the connections to the CHIKARA theories and NXT.

I feel like Vince looks at a Damian Sandow and sees “poet laureate/genius Lanny Poffo.” Since Poffo was a jobber with his gimmick, that’s all that Sandow can ever be in Vince’s mind.

So worst case, with Emma he looks at her and thinks Jillian Hall or whoever that girl was with the bad singing gimmick. I’m all for having a relevant women’s division with anything other than aspiring models/reality TV stars, but I don’t watch NXT or even regularly read the reports, so I don’t have anything invested in Emma. That’s just my dispassionate outsidey view, take it or leave it.

I’m more annoyed with the AJ angle. Even as a heel, she shouldn’t give two fuks about what any of the divas think of her. Instead she’s being portrayed as this silly, insecure girl who really just wants everyone to love her. Yuck.

Long story short, I hated last night’s RAW as much as I’ve hated a RAW episode in months.

“I hated last night’s RAW as much as I’ve hated a RAW episode in months.”

sums up my story as well.

and WWE just not caring about AJ breaking the record for the longest divas title reign in history (and being their most talented diva that they invested time in her until she got a cult following) (and being super cute and strangely sexy), just never devoting any effort to that angle (like they did for punk’s title reign until he faced the rock) but instead, making fun of her and making her in comedy segments on the f*cking app, was the thing I hated most in a long while in the WWE, probably.

seriously, all the babyfaces (except the usos, big E and the rhodes) make me wish for the most painful revenge pulled on them by their heel enemies. they always did, but never as bad as this RAW made them, for me.

I hate, Hate, HATE that WWE is wasting their best era of the tag division in YEARS (with ones like the usos, the real americans, the wyatts (harper and rowan), even the prime time players, etc) by not ever creating uniqe storylines for them around the tag titles (or giving them enough promo time (SERIOUSLY, GOLDUST AND CODY ARE GREEEEEAT ON THE MIC, and all they’ll be remembered for with this tag champions’ reign of theirs is what led to them winning the belts and that they had good matches.)) and by giving the f*cking NAO a title shot at the f*cking pre-show in the f*cking royal rumble PPV!

that was my monthly: please, real americans vs the usos vs goldust and cody at mania in a TLC match. yes, I don’t want goldust and cody breaking up before mania and feuding, when they can break up AT WRESTLEMANIA to creat a very memorable moment and start feuding from there!

I’m a regular NXT watcher, and I was surprised when they called Xavier Woods up. Personally, I can easily and quickly name five or more guys I would rather see on Raw, but I cheered for Woods nonetheless. Honestly, it is truly stunning to me how badly they’ve botched his introduction to a wider audience. He is of no significance, and we’re only a few weeks into his run!

The reason I write this is because it worries me how they will handle Emma, as Brandon so eloquently expressed, but also how the announce team will deal with guys who are lock-solid awesome, but aren’t maybe “traditional” wrestlers, like Breeze, Bayley, Enzo and Big Cass, who do more than just say “I’m gonna kick your ass and win the title!” (Corey Graves, you’ll be just fine, buckaroo.)

I was like you. I liked woods since the first time I saw him on NXT (when brandon started reviewing it) because of him naming the number of the episodes of NXT he appeared on since joining it, and all the power rangers stuff! (also, probably because I didn’t see him in TNA before…)

but on RAW, he’s the worst. he’s at the level of the r truths and mizs and kofi kingstons with just few weeks in, to me!

I tried really hard not to go to sleep last night before the show ended. But I watched the Big Show thing and just didn’t care. I might’ve bought Royal Rumble but now that Bryan isn’t in it (regardless of health or the WWE not understanding DBD > Bateetsa) I don’t really even care to pirate hit. I’ve just in a general malaise in caring about the WWE right now. Am I the only one? Does it conincide with the loss of Ziggler? Who knows.

1) I liked DB’s promo was the subtle dig at Creative (or at least I perceived it as one)

2) My initial reaction when Batista came out was “Why is Pitbull wearing that realistic looking muscle suit, and where can I get one?”

3) If this whole Punk vs The Authority angle doesn’t lead to a match with Triple H either at Elimination Chamber or WrestleMania then it’s stupid and pointless. I think what we’re seeing from him is boredom.

4) The tag team title match should not be the pre-show, unless Cody & Goldust win, and then they lose the titles at EC so we finally get the Cody vs Goldust match (preferably with Dusty as the special referee) at WrestleMania

5) The Mae Young tribute brought tears to my eyes, especially the part from her HOF induction speech.