Below is an edited version of an email story I sent to my God-daughter recently. Yes, this did happen to me on Tuesday, May 2nd, proving to me once again, that I must have been, in fact, the person they were thinking about when they wrote Murphy's Law. I am now prepared to share my story, and the chuckle I am sure will come once you read it.....OY!

...good to hear from you. I hope you are feeling a little better. I thought maybe by regaling what happened to me yesterday afternoon, I might distract you, and maybe even give you a good, hearty chuckle.

Your G-ma has always 'danced to a different drummer' a little, not by choice really, but by nature, as I have always been convinced that I am kind of the odd - man - out and my star firmly rests under Murphy's Law.

Late yesterday afternoon, I was attempting to finish cleaning my bedroom, which I had started earlier in the day. I took out our fairly new vacuum cleaner, which is an upright that I truly dislike, as I find the thing quite cumbersome and heavy. Nevertheless, it's the only one we have that cleans the carpet, so it was a necessary evil I was prepared to endure.

I decided it was best to start with under the bed, since I noticed that we were accumulating a very fine layer of dust there. I popped off the detachable hose from the vacuum, added an extension tube, along with the mini power roller brush to attack the dust in question. Then I started the machine. I was having a bit of a time with the attachment, as it kept getting loose from the extension hose, but I managed to get up some of the dust. As I proceeded to attempt the same feat under the night table, the attachment came loose again.

Wondering if I had enough dust under the night table to warrant this annoying inconvenience, I bent down to look under the table, when suddenly the entire length of my hair was sucked up and caught in the large roller brush attachment on the main body of the upright! Thankfully, it has some kind of automatic shutoff when things get caught in it and the damned thing stopped in time so as not to tear the hair clean off my scalp! However, the main motor was still running and I, now hysterical with fright and pain, was frantically attempting to shut off the unit at the switch, not realizing I was literally within hand's reach of the plug!

I managed to turn the thing off, but by then, full hysteria had me in it's grips and I could not stop crying and screaming. I was in full blown panic, fight or flight mode, and I wanted to flee from the machine, but it's 20-25 pounds had me in it's clutches by nearly the roots of my hair, and try as I might, I couldn't break free! At first I thought I'd call 911 and have them come out to help me, but then I thought better of it, as I was sure that, once they stopped laughing at my absurd predicament, they would undoubtedly take a knife or scissors to my hair. I have struggled too long and hard to get it to the length it is only to have it cut away from me! I decided to call my hubby instead.

Sobbing uncontrollably, I told him what had happened, fearing he would scold me for being so careless or laugh at the pickle I found myself in. Instead, because he'd seen a similar incident at an optical lab he worked at once - the victim in question had actually had her hair torn from the scalp, suffering a bloody injury - he feared I might be in the same condition and mercifully bolted from work and headed home as quickly as traffic would allow him.

He found me lying on the bedroom floor, with the vacuum positioned upside down and on it's side so as not to further pull my hair, and the remaining appendages - namely, me - sobbing quietly, waiting for his arrival.

This vacuum was apparently very well made. It had any number of very small, strong screws on the underside of the roller brush assembly that were nearly impossible to remove, along with a few torque screws which were, in fact, impossible to remove. After removing all the screws he could, he resorted to trying to pry the assembly apart, breaking it if necessary, so he could get the roller brush itself out of the assembly, in an attempt to unravel what now looked like a bad bird's nest instead of a head of hair.

Amazingly the plastic on the vacuum was quite strong as well, not your typical easy-break type. After numerous attempts, Nach was finally able to open the assembly sufficiently - (I recall hearing a loud snap and was grateful it wasn't my neck!) - and got his hands on the roller brush. However, some of the hair was VERY tightly wound around the end of the roller brush snaps, so with great care and patience, he pulled and tugged till he got the tangle undone, freeing the roller brush from it's snaps inside the assembly.

Now, I had what looked like a giant Brillo pad of hair with a roller brush attached to it! We headed for the tub and I ran the water to warm. I grabbed a bottle of my thickest, most emollient conditioner, soaked my hair and started applying gobs of the conditioner to it. Thank goodness this idea had come to me, because it softened the hair on the roller brush sufficiently to get me out of it's snare. At last, I was free!

Needless to say, it took much more conditioner to get all the tangles out of the remnants of hair remaining on my scalp. The incident left me with more than the handful of lost hair, not to mention quite a bit of it that was originally yanked out of my scalp at the onset of the incident. This loss was compounded by a very, very, sore, painfully stinging scalp, and a migraine headache of titanic proportions.

Today, I still have the migraine, my scalp still burns and aches, my head, neck and all the vertebrae between the base of my skull and my shoulder blades hurt as if I'd attempted to lift an elephant with them, and I am shedding like a lactating Collie. However, I still have my scalp, which is a very good thing, and most of my hair, which is also a very good thing.

After contacting the company and explaining what happened, in hopes they would honor the warranty for repairs, they are sending me a new vacuum instead with a Fed Ex return label so I can return the damaged one, and they asked that in future, I tie my hair up, just in case. I told them that in future, my husband will be doing the vacuuming. They're lucky I'm not suing, as from what I understand, when the hose is detached from the large roller attachment, the main roller brush is not supposed to be working....I beg to differ! I should have told them that I may require medical and mental care, and I believe they want me to return the perpetrating vacuum so as to destroy the evidence against them!

I should've had my husband take pictures before he performed his "surgery"!

And that, my dear was my afternoon yesterday. Like an episode right out of 'I Love Lucy.'

Hope it gave you a chuckle. It has everyone else, but me....yet.

Love,
G-ma ali

Epilogue: The migraines continued till Friday of that week. I saw Cynthia (my stylist) on Saturday and she showed me where my hair had been yanked with such force that it had damaged it's elasticity. She gave me a protein treatment before she micro-trimmed and told me to use a DT (protein) about 1 x month for a few months to protect the hair from breaking off. BTW the damage starts about 2-3 inches from my scalp!

The neck, collarbone/shoulder and shoulder blade pain continue and as of Friday I have had vertigo. I got a neck adjustment at the chiroprator yesterday, which relieved the pain somewhat and the vertigo is a bit improved, but not enough to be able to drive or make any sudden movements with my head.

Despite joking about it (I have a very warped sense of humor to many's dismay!) this has been a very painful event and will likely be dealing with the aftershock for a bit longer. I am however, very grateful that my scalp and the majority of my hair remains intact.