The Art of Writing an Apology Letter

How to Apologize in Print and Resolve a Conflict

If you need to say “I’m sorry” to a friend, neighbor, family member or coworker, an apology letter may be the best way to do it. A sincere, well-written letter can help mend relationships and soothe hurt feelings. Read on to learn how to apologize in a way that really workshow to apologize in a way that really works…

Writing an apology letter is often considered to be a thing of the past – but it doesn’t have to be.

Most people no longer formulate ideas on the written page, and we tend to communicate in entirely new ways.

Just a generation ago, letter writing was a main venue for person-to person written contact, but that art has been swallowed up by technology. We email or text abbreviated messages rather than writing long, interesting letters, and we pick up the phone to talk, as long-distance phone calls cost no more than calling the house next door.

In some circumstances, however, writing a letter can convey your feelings more effectively.

This is especially true of apology letters. When you need to say, “I’m sorry,” writing an apology letter can be an effective way to smooth over rough waters.

Of course, there are times when apology letters aren’t appropriate.

If the issue is a minor misunderstanding, a phone call may be the best way to clear the air. If the incident has recently occurred, personal contact by phone or in-person discussion is better. That way, you don’t let bad feelings fester and potentially get worse.

But if you have inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings, or if there are long-standing issues that you want to resolve, then apology letters are a wonderful way to extend an olive branch.

In fact, a well-written letter can disarm the other person quickly, so you can start to resolve a negative situation, says communications expert Dianna Booher, author of How to Write Apology Letters (Made for Success).

If you have decided the situation you’re in requires a written apology, it’s important that you take the time to compose the letter properly and convey all of your feelings in a clear and effective way. Here are some factors you should consider.

Timing is everything.When you send the letter is just as important as what it says.

In short, you should write it as quickly as possible. That’s when the thoughts are fresh in your mind, and the letter’s recipient still remembers the details of the situation.

On the other hand, don’t simply dash it off – take a moment to think about what you want to say, and how your words will be received by the other party.

If you’re still angry over the incident, wait until you have calmed down before putting pen to paper. (Read this related article: How to Forgive Someone.)

Focus on actions.
The person you’re writing to is already well aware of the damage caused by the situation. You don’t need to spend much time in your apology letter reiterating the problems that have occurred between you.

So don’t rehash details of the situation to explain your case or try to offer excuses. This could make the person less open to your apology.

Instead, focus on what you plan to do to remedy things. State the actions you plan to take, so the other person can see the situation coming to a positive conclusion.

If you’re apologizing for hurting the person’s feelings, for example, express your regret and apologize for your error in judgment. Then state that you’ll be more sensitive in the future and keep the recipient’s feelings in mind.

Make it brief.
Try to keep your letter on the short side, if possible. Be simple and to the point. You want to “get in and get out,” so allow a few words to speak for themselves.

As mentioned above, you should keep the focus on apologizing for the wrong and demonstrating that you’re willing to act to rectify the situation.

Rehashing the situation, offering meandering explanations and buttering up the recipient will only come across as insincerity.

Be direct.
Nothing will turn your recipient off more than overusing flowery language and dramatic phrases. Get to the point, rather than trying to impress with your writing style.

Using short, concise sentences will allow you to express your point, and won’t leave the recipient wondering if there might be hidden meanings between the lines.

Watch your tone.
The purpose of an apology letter is to win someone over and rebuild a damaged relationship. So don’t allow your tone to come off as negative or defensive.

Keep things earnest and conversational. If you’re a naturally humorous person, you may want to include some light humor in your letter, but be cautious. If you’re sarcastic or try too hard to be funny, the recipient may think you aren’t taking the issues between you seriously.

Shoulder the blame.
If you elect to write an apology letter, you need to ensure that you take full responsibility for the situation as it is.

You’ll need to shoulder the blame for whatever went wrong. If you believe that you’re both partially at fault, say you’re taking responsibility for your own part in the situation, without mentioning the other person’s role.

Then say that you alone will take the necessary actions to fix the problems.

If you include accusations in your apology letter, it’s very likely that your words will be ignored. Leave that discussion for another time and place.

Follow through
Add an opening for communication at the end of your letter, then remember to follow up on it.

Say something like, “I’d like to go for coffee and make this up to you,” or state that you’d like a chance to apologize in person. Then do it.

Make an effort to back up your apology with especially considerate behavior in the future.

This is a way of adding action to your words, as you show the person that you care about making things right and finding a solution to your problems.

By following up your letter with actions, you close the cycle and effectively rectify the situation for the last time.

Additional tips:
No two situations are alike, but there are ways that you can keep your cool and make your apology count, regardless of the mess you have found yourself in.

If you’re late repaying a debt of some kind, your apology should be especially brief. Chances are that the person you owe money to doesn’t want to hear excuses and won’t be satisfied by any of them.

Focus on actions and solutions in this type of letter. Say exactly when you’ll repay the debt, and assure the person the situation won’t happen again.

If you have missed an appointment or have been late, your apology should come immediately afterward. Your absence probably caused some inconvenience to others, so your letter’s tone should reflect that.

Apologize for the situation, then rebuild the relationship by making sure you never miss another appointment and that you arrive on time.

If you have betrayed someone’s trust or hurt someone’s feelings, focus on this problem as soon as you can.

Make it known that you understand the problem and intend to resolve things. Don’t write an apology letter in this situation unless you mean to take full responsibility. Anything less will be ignored.

Apology letters are never easy, as apologizing in general is never easy. But if you take time to prepare the material, they can help you say exactly what’s on your mind, and may be more comfortable than apologizing face to face.

And if your apology is sincere, you may be able to save a relationship that might otherwise have been lost.

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