Wednesday, June 21, 2006

A Change In Dating

You know how much parking meters in New York cost? For your quarter, you now get a whopping ten minutes. A dollar fifty for one hour. That's getting close to minimum wage. Note self: Never borrow a car for a week unless you don't plan on using your quarters for laundry.

Also, did you read about the dude doing a Sox fan matchmaking site? Some things I found offensive:

An example of someone's type is given, along with them saying "must not make fun of my love of Bellhorn," or something: "tall, Caucasion, single, 29-33." Now I don't know how these matchmaking services work. I've never been to one. Never have I been asked to fill in "my type" of mate on any kind of form. So I had no idea that people specify race. I guess I should realize that there are people who only want to date within their race--and terrible job by them--but I thought that would be something they don't even admit. Isn't that just labeling yourself as a racist right off the bat? I've never once in my life thought, "I hope I find a nice white girl soon!" What the hell? I've never even known anyone who has specifically sought out someone of their own race to go out with. There are so many real issues to worry about when choosing who you date. This woman would rather date a guy who's "tall" than "anything other than white." That is horseshit right there, and she and everyone else, male or female, who's that narrow deserves just what they get.

And the other thing I'm offended by: The dude who runs the site says: "My main goal is to keep those New Yorkers in New York, and keep them away from our Boston girls." That guy can seriously take a shit on his own face. (Oh, he'll find a way.) Remember the bumper sticker, people: "I Love New York, It's The Yankees I Hate." (Pedro's standing ovation should help him understand this.) Again, much like the "tall" thing, he's saying he'd rather have a Yankee fan from Boston date one of "his girls," than a Sox fan from New York. Terrible job.

What if a non-white person claimed that they only wanted to date within their race? Would they be a racist? I honestly don't know. Or what about folks who date people of the same faith? Questions to ponder.

I think I'm more offended when people are specific about physical features and stuff. Like, no women over 105 pounds, please! This kind of shallowness can really cause a person to miss out on a lot.

With religion, even though I don't have one, and if I did, I'd still, no question, be fine with dating someone who's religion was different than mine. But I can see, I guess, wanting to find someone of your own religion, so you could raise your kids having that religion.

But to say you want to raise your kids white? What? Do these same people not allow themselves to have friends of different races?

It just boggles my mind that in 2006, dating services are asking you what race you want to go out with.

I work at a place where we match up volunteers with people. I asked my boss what to do if a person refuses a volunteer due to their race, and she told me exactly what I wanted to hear: "Tell them, SORRY." (In other words, "f u.")

It seems to go against what dating services are for: "We'll find your best match." "Great, here's my huge list of ridiculous limitations...."

I'm still most offended by a dude trying to keep New York men away from Boston women...

Yeah, all good points, but there's something to be said for looking for what pleases you aesthetically, or let's face it, sexually. Some people are just more attracted to certain types, or in this case, races. I don't think it makes a white guy racist because he finds white women sexier than black or Asian or whatever. A white guy isn't self-loathing if he has a preference for Asians or Indian girls. Just because you prefer something, and actively seek it out, doesn't mean it's for racist reasons. As for keeping away New York men away from Boston women, well...transplanted New Yorkers are fine...;-)

I thought of that perspective, but if someone is looking for just sex, why are they going to a match-making service? I guess what I'm really talking about is people who are wookin pa nub specifically. And if you're trying to find a life partner based on looks, you're in deep trouble.

I can't judge people of other races because I've only lived in the skin of the race that gets all the advantages in life. So, for a white person to say, "I don't like black people," to me, that's racist. For a black person to say, "I don't like white people," well, should I expect that person to like white people, knowing that people in their families, not distant ancestors, mind you, but people from only a few generations ago, were bought, sold, lynched by white people?

The point is, I was under the impression that if you don't want to date a certain race, which is your antiquated perogative, you just see who the dating service gives you, and if they're not your race of choice, just say, "Nope, shoot me another name." And even that is horrible to me, because you're only hiding your biases.

It still just makes no sense to me. What is this, the fifties? When I saw A Bronx Tale for the first time, and saw the scene where C can't date the girl he liked, because she was black and that just wasn't accepted, I was like, Yep, that's the old days, doesn't work like that anymore, fortunately. And now I see people are saying "I won't date anyone who isn't white like me"??

Even in the old days, you wouldn't date a different race not because you didn't want to, but because of what people would think. Now, people are CHOOSING to not date a different race! We're moving backwards! If this girl from the article meets a really cool black dude, does she hang out with him, and then even if she develops feelings at some point honestly say, "You know, it's too bad you're black. I really like you."? What the effin' eff? This is really bothering me. The situation, not your comments. Thanks for the Satan's advocate playing.

ya know, designating your "type" does not preclude people of other types... it just gives people an idea of what you think you're looking for. Attraction is not all about sex, but if that part is not there the relationship just doesn't work very well. Personally I cannot be/stay in a relationship without sexual attraction (and this sometimes has nothing to do with physical appearance.)

I have to honestly say that I think dating preferences shouldn't be classified as racism... who you are willing to date is MUCH different than who you are friends with or what volunteer you are paired up with. And I DEFINITELY think it's advisable to date within your religion, particularly if you are at the stage of looking for someone to settle down and have kids with. Religion is the framework with which you view the world, and it would be really difficult to share everything and make important decisions with someone who views the world in a drastically different way than you.

I am NOT playing devil's advocate here and I would be happy to get more specific on the subject if you'd like. (ha ha I think you know what that means)

Seeing as you both are currently dating people of the same race and religion (or lack thereof) as yourselves, I roll my eyes at your foolish high-mindedness. Easy to throw stones from a bulletproof house.

This isn't classic Jere talkin' about what attraction means and all that crap I usually obsess about. It's not even about racism, more about stupidity. When I mentioned racism, I meant that aside from showing that you're narrow-minded, it also happens to prove that you're a racist, because you're not afraid to come right out and say "I automatically don't desire this race."

This is just me seeing a white girl saying "I'll only date white guys," which, to me, is just as silly as saying "I'll only date tall/cute/thin/anything else that has nothing to do with what's on the inside guys." (And you know what? Add "Sox fan" to that list. Yes, it's cool to date another Sox fan for many great reasons, but are you really going to choose someone based on that?)

I agree with you. To me, too, the attraction isn't in the physical appearance. So, doesn't that just further prove my point?

And Witchy she said she's dated outside her race, and I dated a girl that was half French, half Filipino. So, we both totally have been open to proverbial bullets.

Also, if I was in some dating service, and they picked me to be matched up with some girl, and I see her little wish list, and it said "must be white," I'd end it right there because I wouldn't want someone who only dates within their race.

ok, does it really say "must be" ? I haven't registered with the matching sox bit, but I think when they ask your type they are looking for a description of the typical guy/girl who automatically turns your head. It's supposed to give the person who's reading the profile some idea of how likely that person is to be attracted to them. My dad (currently an expert on online dating) says he doesn't look at that part of the profile at all - he just contacts the person he's interested in and see if he gets a response.

I have dated both outside my race and religion in the past (although not both) but generally the guys I go for are white. I'm not gonna automatically rule anyone out just because they're not white, atheist, or a sox fan. I have however ruled men out because they are dumb as a stump and/or yankees fans... 'cause it's just not gonna work, so why waste my time and make them pay for my dinner? I don't think there's anything wrong with efficiency in dating.

It's everyone's personal choice. I mainly dated white girls because I grew up where you did, in whitebread Fairfield County, and they made up a huge majority of all girls. That doesn't mean I purposely was choosing to date white girls. Have you ever met someone and decided, strictly based on race, not to date them? I never have, because the color of a person's skin makes no difference.

Jere, I think you're quite right. However, I'm surprised that you're surprised by this. Half a second looking at newspaper dating classifieds or similar print services would show you nothing but reams of SWM looking for SWF and so on.

WCSG, I'd say it is racist for a nonwhite person to automatically rule out all white people. It's the exact same thing as a white person ruling out all nonwhite people; I don't really see a difference there.

And not that it matters a whit, but since it's apparently a sticking point here, I've dated outside of race, religion, and baseball fandom, separately and at the same time. No Yankees fans, though.

You're right, Sam, terrible job by me for not even thinking of "something W something." I guess I only think of those initials in terms of parodies or stand up comics or 90s movie titles. It just shows you how much attention I pay to that stuff. That dioesn't make me less shocked that people specifically say "I'm looking to date this one race only." Seems just as silly as saying "I only want friend of a specific race."

I'm half asian. I have dated guys in all races. All of them I met in webdate.com. Almost all of them are smart, sweet and confident. I think internet dating gave me a chance to know all kinds of people. I actually think registering in this site became an advantage to me in meeting new people.