comme ci comme ça / like this like that

life

It is with the utmost sadness of our friends and family to announce the tragic death of our beloved Spicy Tuna Ro, who perished during a routine fly by of Saturn in her handcrafted space vessel, The Meow Machine, when it collided with an asteroid. She is survived by her two wonderful cats, her partner of 17 years, parents, sibling, and all 1,525 of her Twitter followers. Rochele would like to be remembered for her excellent taste in music, clothing, going to bed early, and her ability to meal plan for an entire week at a time. She will be greatly missed on all social media platforms, but her partner is somewhat relieved that her cookbook collection and wardrobe will cease to expand. In lieu of flowers, please buy flower seeds and plant them everywhere for the bees. – My obituary, probably.

I spend more time thinking about death and dying than anyone else I know, and not in a ‘I want to die’ way but more of a ‘one day I’m going to die but I’ll be ready for it’ kind of thing. For the record, I do not plan to die for a very long time. One of my adult chores this year is to have a proper will done up, but if something should happen before then, here are my wishes:

I want to die as pain-free as possible and I don’t want to die alone. Please hold my hand and play my favourite music.

If I’m permanently incapacitated, brain-dead, or unlikely to ever wake up, let me go. I am a registered organ donor and if it’s possible, harvest anything that can be harvested. I would love nothing more than to give others another opportunity for a better, healthier, and longer life. Donate whatever is left to medical science. I don’t mind being a cadaver for medical students to cut up, sew back together, or even to try their own hand at being a Dr. Frankenstein. But if the hospital absolutely insists on returning whatever is left of me to my loved ones, do whatever is the most eco-friendly. I’m down for an organic burial, but ABSOLUTELY DO NOT EMBALM ME OR SEAL ME UP IN A CASKET. Bury me somewhere nice, like under a rose bush or something, but skip the grave marker, and make sure it’s legal. Or give me a viking burial at sea, surrounded by all my books. Be creative, but again, make sure it’s legal.

Give my phone to Jen. She knows what to do. She’s my designated digital legacy holder. If it’s password protected and you don’t have the password, I still expect my privacy to be maintained. I have zero intention of haunting this realm but God save your soul if you hack into somewhere you’re not supposed to be, I will go full poltergeist on you.

I don’t want a funeral. I want a wake with a life-size cardboard cutout of myself to greet people at the door, and you may select one or two from my fashionable IG account. For those that imbibe, I want whiskey sours, pickle backs, and Pyramid Audacious Apricot Ale to be served. I want balloons, disco lights, some Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston and some Abba. I won’t say no to smoke and lasers or karaoke, I just want people to laugh and dance and enjoy life. I also want a sushi buffet and the after party to be at a pho restaurant. Ask Tiffany, she’ll know where to go. And instead of a guest book, just post your best wishes and memories of me using a witty hashtag like #DeathRo or something on any social media platform of your choosing, except Vero. I would love if you would wear something weird and wonderful to my wake.

If you can’t make it to my wake, how should you honour me? Get up early, drink a green smoothie, pet a cat or dog or both as often as possible, wear something you’re proud of, and love your life as you’re living it.

I’m still giving thought to my belongings and what I want done with them. SproutO, Malroy, mom and dad, you can keep whatever you want. There are mixed CD’s with questionable content on them that you should definitely listen to when you’re missing me, they are eclectic and awkward, just as I am now. I have enough blankets and throws for all immediate family members to take one home, but leave the red fleece ones and the soft white one for the cats.

It’s important to think about what you want and make your wishes well-known. One of my favourite death positive people is Caitlin Doughty, and she has forever changed how I think of my own death and what I want to leave behind. If thinking about this is new to you, check out her YouTube channel and website. And please, please, please consider becoming an organ donor.

I hate thinking of life in one year blocks that expire on December 31. My life is fluid and I’ve allowed myself the space to do things in my own time, but I feel a lot of peer pressure to set New Years Resolutions and Intentions. I’ve literally had to remind myself every day for the past week that I am doing just fine and that I don’t need to declare all the things I want to change about myself just because everyone else is doing it.

Rather than say I’M GOING TO DO THIS THING STARTING ON JANUARY 1, I enact changes as I am inspired by them. October 11th? That’s a perfect time to start eating more vegetables. July 2? Heck yeah I’m going to open a savings account. Change is so personal, and I dislike NY resolutions because there’s a lot of pressure and the failure that comes from the inability to change your lifestyle and habits overnight is overwhelming.

If you did set some resolutions/goals/intentions and you’re not ready to work on them right now, THAT IS OKAY! Or, if you are working on them and you fall off the bandwagon, THAT’S OKAY, TOO! You always have the ability to hit reset on your goals and intentions. I truly believe there is just as much to be learned about yourself in failure as there is in success.

I had a lot of minor personal achievements in 2017, and I’d like to share them here:

I adopted a regular skin care routine sometime in July,

I started flossing more frequently a couple of weeks ago

I started a regular practice of yoga in August

I meal planned the heck out of 2017 from February onward and I think this one has been the most consistent change from last year

I read six books in a six-week span and then nothing for months

I started bullet journaling intermittently, often forgetting to update it for weeks at a time but I’m still trying to adopt this as a regular practice, I just pick up where I left off

Actually, I pick up where I left off on the regular. I often abandon whatever goal I’ve set for myself but I usually go back to it, sometimes I have to go back to it four, five, or six times. I’m not a spontaneous person by nature, except when I want to make a change. Now is a good time to change something or do something, whenever now happens to be, but it’s rarely inspired by a date on the calendar.

Go forth and be you, and don’t worry about January. It’s kind of a shitty month anyway.

Alex: RIGHT?! I’ve been so busy at work today, that I haven’t had time. Now, I’m just too lazy.
FUCK full time jobs that get crazy hectic, but are absolutely pointless to my life.
Sent at 3:02 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK shoulder and neck pain
FUCK not having enough money to do what I want
FUCK my shitty job that I hate

Alex: FUCK my ankle, and stretched ligaments
FUCK anxiety of walking or moving faster than a snail
FUCK Whole Foods and their ridiculous prices for food that always tastes better than the lunch I packed
FUCK never having enough money for all the things I want to do.
Sent at 3:06 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK holiday logistics and entitled people
FUCK food for tasting so good
FUCK past mistakes
FUCK belly fat
Fuck short arms
FUCK people who play games
FUCK filing
Sent at 3:08 PM on Thursday

Alex: FUCK belly fat.
FUCK eating bad for one day, and feeling it in my thighs the next day.
FUCK hormones
FUCK boob pain
FUCK assholes who think with their penis
FUCK my big heart and how it loves JUST WAY TOO GOD DAMN MUCH sometimes – seriously.
FUCK phone calls ALL GOD DAMN DAY.
FUCK working for a living

Lizzy: FUCK working for a living
FUCK trying to stay current in fashion and trends
FUCK bad sex
Sent at 3:11 PM on Thursday

Alex: FUCK sex you thought was going to be so good, and was a fucking let down.
FUCK friends with benefits who suck at their one role in your life.
FUCK cocky people who talk a big game and don’t deliver EVER.

Lizzy: FUCK guys who kiss and tell
FUCK people who gossip
FUCK people who base their life on material goods

Alex: FUCK people who base their life on material goods

Lizzy: FUCK my condo that needs so much FUCKING WORK I don’t know how I’m ever going to sell it and make a FUCKING PROFIT

Alex: FUCK people who can’t hold a conversation

Lizzy: FUCK people who can’t hold a conversation
Sent at 3:15 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK the medical system that pays for Viagra because it’s okay for men to have recreational sex but a medical system that doesn’t pay for birth control for women

Alex: FUCK the medical system that pays for Viagra because it’s okay for men to have recreational sex but a medical system that doesn’t pay for birth control for women – DITTO
FUCK birth control being so damn expensive

Lizzy: FUCK all the GODDAMN LAUNDRY I have to fold and put away that NEVER FUCKING ENDS

Alex: FUCK women having to take all the responsibility

Lizzy: FUCK antiquated views of women who enjoy sex

Alex: FUCK having to eat healthy all the time when all I want to do is eat potato chips and never gain a single pound
FUCK girls who can eat shit all the time and never gain a single pound

Lizzy: FUCK having to eat healthy all the time when all I want to do is eat potato chips and never gain a single pound

Alex: FUCK men who fucking fill their guts with the most disgusting food – AND NEVER GAIN A SINGLE POUND

Lizzy: FUCK portion control and staying away from bread and pasta
FUCK alcohol for giving me wicked hangovers
FUCK anxiety for keeping me in the shadows
FUCK being afraid of the dark
FUCK thinking I’m fat or that I need to change anything about my physical appearance

Alex: FUCK being afraid of the dark
FUCK thinking I’m fat
FUCK thinking I’m not good enough because I’m not a size zero

Lizzy: FUCK thinking I’m not good enough because I don’t have a degree

Alex: FUCK cat calls
FUCK feeling ashamed for wearing the shortest Lululemon shorts at the gym today that I spent $60
FUCK Lululemon for charging $60 for shorts that barely cover your ass
FUCK feeling like I don’t deserve things because I don’t have a degree
FUCK school for costing so much money
FUCK Student loans for NEVER going away

Lizzy: FUCK barrister fees that mean FUCK ALL because whoever has the most money wins anyway
FUCK rent, student loans, credit cards and any other money I owe
FUCK my car for being FUCKING TURQUOISE AND ANCIENT AS SHIT
Sent at 3:27 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK people for patronizing my relationship and its struggles
FUCK work clothes for being so fucking uncomfortable

Alex: FUCK all the money I owe
FUCK parking tickets – especially the ones that were not worth it
FUCK having to wear clothes at all

Lizzy: FUCK Photoshop for being the standard
FUCK Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for being so fucking fake and diluting art, music, and culture
FUCK art for being so expensive
Sent at 3:31 PM on Thursday

Alex: FUCK people who worship celebrities
FUCK not being paid to be a writer
FUCK people who think that writing doesn’t qualify as a profession
FUCK this city for being so damn expensive
Sent at 3:32 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK JOVAN PEDERSON FOR EVER ENTERING MY LIFE, WHAT A CREEP

Alex: OMG. yes.
FUCK DAVE… and the fact that I have to see him at the gym. And the for being so good looking and infiltrating my mind all damn day
FUCK the “one who got away” and will never come back
FUCK KYLE, for being an immature 40 year old

Lizzy: FUCK Chase for telling everyone we had sex when we were 13 because he was a DOUCHETARD who got mad when I wouldn’t have sex with him
FUCK Josh for asking ME out and then dumping ME for my best friend Donna two days later and FUCK Donna for ruining our friendship over a lousy guy
Maybe FUCK me for that one, too. Donna was nice
FUCK Brian’s family for giving shitty Christmas gifts

Alex: FUCK myself for making bad decisions more than I make good ones most of the time
FUCK losing my virginity to someone who totally didn’t deserve it

Lizzy: FUCK my family for inferring that I’m selfish for wanting to donate money to people who actually need it instead of buying each other shitty Christmas gifts
FUCK fucking people who totally weren’t worth it
FUCK Jason Davis

Alex: FUCK both of those things
FUCK feeling ashamed for having an increasingly large “people I’ve fucked” list.
Hahaha… what did Jason do now?!

Lizzy: told me he’s hanging out with you next week to make me jealous. Which it did.
FUCK jealousy

6:30am. Okay, we have 20 minutes to do this, looks at vanity, sees three empty coffee mugs, two dozen dirty makeup brushes, 15 lipsticks, blotting papers, three Q tips with eyeliner on them, four hair brushes, 8,000 bobby pins, empty tube of concealer, fuck. I should clean this up. Some other time, though. Obviously.

Okay, okay. Get it together, Rochele. Stares in mirror for 5 minutes, oh yeah, right, I’m applying makeup. Primer first. WHERE IS IT? Oh my god, where is it? It’s in a clear container with a black top… oh my god I actually put it away. Amazing. Go me. Three drops of that smoothed over my face. Okay, next.

Concealer. That one is empty. And that one is the wrong colour, why do I still own this? Oh yeah, it was expensive. Oh, but that one is good. Pat that under my eyes. And on that red spot. And that one. Okay stop, you can’t cover your face in concealer. Or can I? No, you did that once and it turned out poorly. Blend it in. Okay, too much blending, now you need more concealer. Now blend that, in, too.

Foundation. Well, two bottles of foundation because my skin doesn’t exist in regular colours, still on the vanity without caps from yesterday next to a dirty foundation brush. I guess I should wash that. Goes to washroom, turns on the sink, immediately both cats rush to the sink and get in, okay maybe I’ll wash it in the bathtub instead.

My cats are adorable. They’re so soft and cute and so happy to snuggle in the mornings.

6:45am WAIT, WHAT? Okay, okay, no need to panic, we can do this in under 5 minutes. We, as in me, myself, and I.

Highlighter. Hnnnnggghhhh which one?? Do we feel more gold or peachy today? Gold. Gold is always good. Another dirty brush, but it’s just powder so it’s not so bad. Ohhhh girl, you are glowing! More? More.

And just a dab of blush on those cheeks because we’re going for demure and not a 1900’s prostitute, which is fine, it’s just not the look we’re going for but it’s a fine line. Being pale is hard.

6:50am. AHHHHHHH OKAY, WE HAVE TO HURRY UP.

I’m looking for eye shadow primer. I just saw it. Why does everything need its own primer? Creased eye shadow is a bad look. Okay, it’s not on the vanity. And it’s not in the eye makeup drawer. Looks down, sees tube with little bite marks on it under the vanity, okay that’s not my fault. Moving on.

Just simple eyes today, we don’t have time for anything else. Ten minutes later, ten makeup brushes, five different eye shadow colours and no eyeliner YES, WE LOOK GOOD.

Oh damn it is 7:05am and I still need eyebrows. Pencils on eyebrows. Those are not even. Tries to even them out, okay now it’s 7:15am and we have crazy eyes but we have to go.

WAIT, I NEED LIPSTICK. Grabs one from the drawer, shoves it in purse. Why is my bag always so heavy? Pulls out 9 lipsticks, blotting papers, two mirrors, two roll-on perfumes, a hair brush, a lint brush, and a full bottle of digestive enzymes oh right, but I need all this stuff.

School update- I’m almost finished. I just have three exams next week. I’ve been up until at least 1am consistently every night for the last ten days trying to get final papers and projects finished or I’ve been awake stressing about it. On Tuesday night I presented and defended my first piece of technical documentation and I am fairly confident that I did well. I still have to wrap up my editing piece, and then my technical writing styles final project. Almost done… six more days. I CAN DO THIS. No I can’t. YES I CAN. No, I think I’m just going to curl up into a ball and die. NO YOU WON’T. Yes I will. <—- Me, every day.

Life has been stressful. I’m working full time and attending classes three nights a week and my employer doesn’t know that I’m in school. I’m dealing with stuff at home. A friend passed away and that derailed me for a bit. People are moving away, and I’m not good at goodbyes. I’ve abandoned my bucket list and resolutions for the time being, I just need to survive the next six days. I could use a lot of hugs and reassurance right now. And then… and then…

I was laying in bed at 1:30am this morning and I realized that I’m looking forward to putting my life back together. I’ve taken a three month sabbatical from being domestic in any way shape or form. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cooked a meal. Or cleaned. And I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I miss it. I used to be a domestic goddess. I cooked, I baked, I sewed, I cleaned sometimes, I went to the gym, and I read books cover to cover. I also realized that while the next six days will totally suck, it will be over soon and I have a lot to look forward to:

SHOWS! In April alone I’m going to see The Airborne Toxic Event, The Dudes and The Zolas with Julia, and the ever fine Hannah Georgas with Tiffy and Jenny

Cherry blossoms

The trees are starting to grow leaves again and greenification has already begun

My lady love Jaime is going to come for a visit or two, girl I cannot wait for this

Taking my sister to Jurrasic Park 3D

I’ll be participating in the Sun Run, despite the fact that I haven’t trained in over a month. I hope I don’t die

May 2, aka THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THE YEAR, is my birthday (and Julia’s too, hooray birthday buddy!)

I’m finally going to Sasquatch Music Festival for the US Memorial Day weekend, and not only is the line up awesome, but some of my favourite people will be there

June 6th is adult night at the aquarium and this time I’m bringing a flask since they made me buy food the last time I wanted a glass of wine at adult night

Setting up my outdoor spaces

The days are getting lighter, eventually the weather will improve, and the patios will open

Camping and campfires

Going to the lake

BBQ’s on the beach

Or just BBQing. Everything tastes better on the BBQ, even pizza. Mmmmm. Pizza. Wait, I can have that now if I want. Yay!

Picnics in the park

Lunch in the park- let’s be real, I never stopped having lunch in the park. I live for that shit

Sunglasses

Mini skirts, tank tops, bikinis, and sandals

Fireworks

Suntanning beside the pool

Driving just after the sun has set with all the windows open and the music turned up

Road trip to Oregon and California

Squamish Valley Music Festival and camping and debauchery

Bike rides around the Seawall

Popsicles and boozy slurpies

Fish and chips at Pajos

WRECK BEACH because aint nobody got time for clothes

Speaking of no clothes, does anyone remember Camp Naked from last summer on twitter? That will be starting again. When it gets warm, NO CLOTHES

Stargazing. This one just cannot come fast enough. The telescope is always ready to go

Warm nights on the deck playing cards and listening to music

Outdoor concerts

Reading in the sun

Drive In movies and movies in the park

I also mentioned to someone that I wanted to build a blanket fort outside in my yard and have drinks in it – AHEM NATALIE, ARE YOU READING THIS?

Scott and Lyndsey, I’d really love to be invited to Green Lake again and I promise to return your sleeping bags and bring my own bedding to the cabin and some delicious treats and booze and bug spray and whatever else

I feel better just looking at this list. Good things are coming, people. Keep moving forward.