Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The World According To Mom

A few months ago, my friend David asked me if I thought that it would be possible to travel around the world via blog. "Like Around The World In 80 Days," he said, "but on the Internet. Around the world in 80 clicks. 80 mom-blogger clicks!" "I don't know," I said. "But it sure sounds like a cool thing to try." "Cool. And if you could visit, virtually, moms around the world, what would you want to talk to them about?"

This was my answer (more on our "Around The World In 80 Clicks" project after the post, below):

Once, when Emilia was 8 or 9 months old and we were socializing at a local playground, another mother asked me this question: "don't you just love being a mom?" She meant it rhetorically: of course I loved being a mom. How could anyone not love being a mom? Becoming a mom means entering a state of existence wherein you are always, at some level, deeply fulfilled. It means being adored by tiny creatures who delight at the sound of your voice. It means love, giggles and ice cream and rainbows. It also means crouching in damp sand at playgrounds and wiping snotty noses and shitty bums and worrying constantly about whether or not you remembered to restock the diaper bag and, also, refill your Ativan prescription.

"Sort of," I replied. "Some of the time."

My memory on this might be fuzzy, but I think that she physically recoiled.

Of course I love being a mother. But it's complicated. I love being a mother to my children, but there's a very great difference between loving being a mother to one's own children and loving motherhood generally. I mean, I love being married to my husband, because I love him, but I can't imagine marching around saying that I love being a wife. My attachment to my married state has everything to do with him, and pretty much nothing to do with the institution of marriage itself. Motherhood is a little different, obviously: some women really do love motherhood as a practice, as a craft, as a way of life. I don't, not so much. I'm actually kind of bad at it. I struggle with the quotidien responsibilities of motherhood: I dislike cooking, I'm constantly running out of diapers, I'm terrible at managing schedules, and I regularly send my child to preschool in mismatched socks. I hate playgroups, and my house is a mess. What I am good at, as a mother: love, and good humor. I adore my children, and they delight me to no end. We have a lot of fun; we laugh a lot. Sure, the baby sometimes ends up with paper towels shoved down his pants in lieu of a diaper, but still: he's happy. We're all happy. And I'm happy with that. I love that.

So if someone were to ask me that question today - don't you just love being a mom? - I'd answer in much the same way - sort of/some of the time/some of it - but I'd also, depending upon how nervy I was feeling that day, say this: why don't I tell you, specifically, what I do love about being a mom? And then - if, that is, my inquisitor had not gathered up her children and fled my toxic presence - I would provide her with the following list:

1) I love that there are always cookies in the cupboard, and that I can claim plausible deniability if someone asks if the cookies are mine and whether I intend to eat them all myself.

2) I love that birthdays and holidays are major events involving ridiculous amounts of sugar and gift wrap.

3) I love that, for at least some months following the births of my children, I had really epic breasts. They're gone now, but still. For a while I had the bustline of a stripper, and that - feminist correctness be damned - was kind of cool.

4) I love seeing the world through her eyes:

5) And his:

There are, of course, a thousand and some other reasons that I could give, reasons that range from the poetic (the way that it feels when tiny hands get tangled in my hair) to the profane (there's always somebody on whom to blame the farts), but then this list would go on forever, and that would very probably undermine my claim to be ambivalent about the condition of motherhood.

In any case, the whole point of this exercise was this: to consider a standard entre-mamans question from my own perspective, and to invite other mothers - mothers from around the world - to do the same thing and share their answers. In part because I'm looking for some affirmation that I'm not the only mother in the world who ordinarily raises her eyebrows at such questions even as she secretly begins composing answers, but also to find out what it would be like - how the conversations would run, what we would say, whether we'd exclaim in agreement or goggle over our differences - if we hung out in the sort of fantasy playground or playgroup that included mothers from all over the world and asked each other that stuff and got to compare notes. And then maybe had a drink or something.

Which - thanks to the Internet - is possible! Maybe! Except for the drink part!

David and I - in partnership with Global Voices Online - are launching an experiment to see if we get a global conversation going between moms who blog. We want to see if it's possible to travel the world and make friends, virtually, solely on the Vernian voyage power of the momosphere. We want to see if we can pull together a global playdate in 80 clicks.

Here's how it's going to work: this post that you're reading? Is the departure lounge. I'm going to link to a couple of other mom bloggers here in Canada, and to a couple of mom bloggers from other countries around the world, and they'll write their posts, sharing 5 things that they love (or maybe what they don't so much love - this playground doesn't force conformity) about being a mom, and then they'll tag a few more bloggers from their own country and from other countries, and so on. And you're more than welcome to join: just write a post of your own (5 things that you love about being a mom) and find someone to link to and tag - someone from your own country, if you like, but definitely someone from another country (Google is a good resource if you don't know any; google any country name and 'mom' in their blog search function) (be sure to let them know that you've tagged them!) - and link back here and leave a comment and we'll add you to the 'itinerary,' which David will compile and post and update as the tour proceeds.

Are you in? I hope you're in. This is going to be fun. No passport necessary.

I love the around the world idea but most of all I love the candor and humor of your post. I feel the exact same way and often blog about the contradictions of motherhood, the ways in which it fits and the ways in which it doesn't fit at all. I really appreciate other moms who can share their experience in a way that is direct and honest, unafraid of admitting that it's not all roses, willing to acknowledge the beauty and also the horribly boring, difficult, mundane parts.Thank you!

With this entry, you have drawn me out of lurkdom... When my son was around 10 months old, I went out with some girlfriends for the first time since his birth. Regarding being a mom, one of the women said to me, "Don't you just love it?!" My reply was a blank stare. I didn't know how to respond. Saying "No" would seem monstrous. Saying "Yes" would have been a lie. She just looked at me and said, "Oh sweetie, you're not sleeping, are you?" Upon hearing that I let out a relieved sigh and said, "No, I'm not. I'm exhausted. The baby cries all the time and never sleeps. I love him, but it sucks right now." Thank you for speaking to the complicated truth of motherhood. My son is 3 years old now, and while he still exhausts me, I find him to be the most delightful person in the world and couldn't imagine my life without him.

This is a great idea! I am going to do it and tag a couple Nigerian and other African mommies to get involved. Will let you know when its up likely on Monday, April 6th at IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE..., my mommy blog.Wonderful idea!

Bedtime. The physical aspect of it, snuggles, PJs, reading books, singing songs, it's the most predictable and loving part of our day. And, just as important, the sweet relief that the day is over and I get two or three quiet hours to myself.

I have a blog that I really don't update and have NO IDEA how to link things but I do live in Ireland. Things I love about mothering is the funny moments, we laugh alot here. I love that my older kids love to talk to me and tell me whats going on in their minds. I love how my baby's face lights up when she sees me. I love the endless cuddles and kisses. I love being able to be silly and making them laugh. I have learned so much from them and are still learning. I love that they forgive me when we fight. I love that they adore me. Of course, there is a dark side to being a mother especially as my four children, hold my heart.

I love coloring in restaurants. Buying tiny footie jammies. Sleepy, sweet smelling babies in said jammies. Watching Disney flicks in the theater. Bubbles. Buying and reading children's books...which I never got tired of reading, but for a long while, didn't feel right about buying.

That first time they say mama. Man, I love that. :) Great idea Catherine.

I love this!! I just posted my answer at www.jessisscatteredmind.blogspot.com and I tagged www.sleeplessinkl.com. By the way, I loved your comparison to marriage, that most people don't get attached the institution of marriage the way they get attached to the institution of motherhood. I know people who were that attached to marriage, though, who loved their marriages much, much more than their husbands. I wonder if some moms are like that too. TThey love their motherhood more than their kids. Just wondering, I'm not thinking of anyone in particular.

Heh. All the moms in my Sucky Evil Moms group went around saying things exactly like that. Always a fan of the absolute truth, I said what I really thought, which was much the same as you: "It's totally awesome, except when it totally awful." And I got me some strange looks and a whole lot of recoiling.

This post makes me wish I had a blog where I talk about my kids...almost. Instead I have a blog about something else that I am passionate about - my work.

I love my three darlings madly, including my newest 8-week-old, but I also love my job. I would be a terrible stay-at-home mom. My work keeps me sane so that I can give my all to my kids on the nights and weekends.

The saying goes that on your deathbed you never say you wish you had worked more.

I am not so sure that is the case. Maybe we will say we wish that our work had made a bigger difference. That is what I am trying to do, make my work count for something beyond just renumeration. And the work doesn't have to be paid either. It can just be to better society.

I am hoping that this will be a great example for my children, who one day will have to work too. With any luck I hope to raise children that will add to this world rather than simply consume it.

I love this idea. And I do have to agree with you that women love motherhood in vastly different ways as we are all vastly different ourselves.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but do you think you would love motherhood more if you didn't stay home with them? It's just that I think that all mother's get fed up with things at certain times, but it's even more difficult if we never have a break.

How funny, I was just hit with one of those "I love this" moments today, but it definitely isn't always that way. I wish I had the talent to blog, but I'll look forward to the other posts! I will just add that I love how I am helping guide another human being form into a (hopefully) beneficial member of society. I take that role very seriously, but it is also amazing and such an honor to be that important. I know, I know-- moms get lots of flack for thinking that because they reproduced, they have that holier-than-thou attitude. But when my baby girl looks up at me with her huge grin and eyes that dance only for me, I do get a bit high. Can't help it! It makes the saggy bits and "frankenvulva" [copyright of Her Bad Mother!] completely worth it a million times over. *sigh*

Just posted my version(http://snipurl.com/f4ocd) of Around the World.. I have teens so my version may be a little different from the other moms. My global mention is AModernMother from Great Britain http://www.amodernmother.com/Can't wait to read everyone's!

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

My post is scheduled to go live on Monday...and, I agree...I certainly don't think I would have nearly as much to blog about without the kids. But darn if technology would rank up there...I had to re-write the post after my blogging software ate the first post. Yikes.

Long time in the motherhood, a girl about to turn 23, a 20 year old, a 9 year old, and twins that didn't make it but I carry in my heart. What do I love? 1) they gave me a world I didn't know existed - that crazy wonderful awful blissful nuthouse world of baby and mother and exhaustion and amazing dance of wonder. 2) I know I became a far better person than I would have by going through all the joys and trials.3) I love that they all have my sense of humor and we can make each other howl with laughter like nobody's business.4) I love how the ways they are different from me and my husband and we get to see the world through fresh eyes.5) I love that they exist. They make everything worth it.

This is a GREAT idea. I'm going to post something and will come back when I do. I haven't made my personal blog public yet, but plan to in the next few days (I'm pretty new to this blogging thing!) and I would love to participate!

I answered before I read all of the other answers, and mine are kind of from the hip. Short, sweet, maybe a swear word in there too....BUT I'm in Hawaii, so I can totally help with that "round the world" thing !http://daffodilcampbell.blogspot.com/2009/04/that-mushy-gushy-post-i-promised-you.html

Found you through SandierPastures and although I wasn't tagged, thought I'd jump in anyhow. lol. This is a really great idea. My post is up.

Also, I know you closed comments on your 'lost' post, but that was a great post. I have a long lost 1/2 sister from my biological fathers 2nd (or 3rd?) marriage that I am contemplating contacting. I just loved that lost post.

Hey! I just wrote a post called "5 reasons I love being a mom" on my blog and I tagged a few other moms, as well, and of course, linked back to you. Thank you, this was fun. Your blog is just very enjoyable!

I just posted to join the experiment. I LOVE it. Kudos to you and David for doing it. I linked to a mom in South Africa who, from what I could tell, hadn't yet been linked to you yet. And I'm now inspired to blog more and more. Finding the time is not an option - I will MAKE time to do so. Thanks for the opportunity to share.

again with the backwards doing of the things! I post and tag & link, and THEN drop a note to the other bloggers letting the know that I'm tagging them and might they be interested. Dear lord, I have GOT to get out of the midwest SOON. The prolonged exposure seems to be affecting my brain processes... oof-duh. Yeah, you betcha'.

Mental flogging for me and sincere apologies from me, to Catherine, David, and my tag-ees.

Hii,An Indian Mom in Melbourne,Australia.I got tagged by Dipali in Kolkotta and Aneela in Melbourne- Tagged someone in Hongkong,two in USA,someone in India and someone else in Australia.This is a great idea.

Hello. What a brilliant idea. I've spent many happy hours reading all the other mums' posts. I finally got tagged so mine is up at http://bsouth.wordpress.com/2009/04/20/a-brief-aside-14-around-the-world-in-80-clicks/

Here you go, Kath from Blurb from the Burbs here (www.blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com) - what a lovely idea and here's my contribution: http://blurbfromtheburbs.blogspot.com/2009/04/mummy-meme-from-what-i-can-gather-it.html

Hi!! This was very hard for me to do, but thanks to this meme, I was finally able to write about this for the first time. My post is here:http://heavenisinbelgium.blogspot.com/2009/04/around-theworld-in-80-clicks-mama.html

I'm in Southern California. I think this is a great idea! I love your honesty about not loving motherhood all the time. I am right there with ya. I do LOVE it, a good majority of the time, but it can be challenging. Good luck with your goal. I don't know any international bloggers so I tagged a couple US mom bloggers. Maybe they can help with the international thing. Here is the link to my 5 - I also wrote the 5 things I don't love so much. http://mamamaryshow.squarespace.com/blog/2009/4/30/world-according-to-mom.html