Way up north where it is cold, you know they ain't got gold
They all make their living from the seal skins they've sold.
Me I like the killing, because it's so fulfilling
And I hate to see a baby seal grow old.

CHORUS:
You don't bludgeon a seal 'cause you want a meal
You do it cause you want to hear those little suckers squeal.
You hit 'em on the head, and you do it just for kicks
And you poke out their eyes with your eye-pokin' sticks.
(Two - Three - Four)

My daddy was a little mean, my mama was a bit obscene,
Maybe that's the reason for the way that I feel.
You might not believe me, but my woman wants to leave me
So I guess I'll take it out on a baby seal.

The Liberals want to lock me up because I kill the seal pups
And tie their fur up into little bales.
I know that it won't be long 'til all the baby seals are gone
So I guess I'll just start wiping out the whales.

Slice 'em, dice 'em, roto-till 'em, chop 'em up or just plain kill 'em,
Their fur comes off with just one easy peel (RIP, RIP, RIP)
People, people don't you cry cause I know that when I die
I'll be coming back as a baby seal. . . .

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Melody - Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Boys
The first version of this song requires a pretty good memory, or at minimum enough wit to think of rhymes on the spot. Which explains why hashers almost always sing the second version . . .
(Take turns leading verses)

MORE VERSES:
Stick your lug in a slug, Doug (Aren't you hot for a slug, Doug?)
Slip your slew to a ewe, Lou (Don't you dream of a ewe, Lou?)
Get turned on by a duck, Chuck (Doesn't that make you go quack, Chuck?)
Tickle the clit of a gnat, Matt (Isn't that just where it's at, Matt?)
Rough love with a horse, Boris (You gotta use force with a horse, Boris)

Version two is far less challenging . . . you simply repeat the same line all through the verse, as in:

Make a llama a mama, boys,
Make a llama a mama - BESTIALITY!
Make a llama a mama, boys,
Make a llama a mama, 'cause . . .

More verses, courtesy of ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4:

Stick your dork in a stork
Make an eel squeel
Rub your beaver on a retriever
Rub your box on a fox
Rub your clitoris on a hippopotamus
Rub your clitty on a kitty
Rub your cunt on an elephunt
Rub your twat on an ocelot
Grind your mound on a hound
Drip your juice on a moose
Give your milk to an elk
Drip your yeast on a wildebeest
Cunnilingo with a dingo
Fool with the tool of a mule
A dirty weekend in Wirral with a squirrel
Any which way with a jay
Anyway you can with a pelican
Be a queer with a deer
Be a rotter with an otter
Be very pleasant to a pheasant
Bring a flea to her knees
Chuck your sperm in a worm
Come from behind with a hind
Do an illegal with an eagle
Do it funky with a monkey
Down the throat of a goat
Drink the pee of a bee
Drop some goo in a shrew
Ejaculate in a snake
Get a suck from a duck
Get in deep with a sheep
Get it out for a trout
Get the pox off a fox
Get under the tail of a snail
Sow oats with some stoats
Get your release in a fleece
Give a half to a giraffe
Give a lickin' to a chicken
Give some cock to a croc
Give your gerbil some verbal
Give your milk to an elk
Go a rounder with a flounder
Go and defile a crocodile
Go the whole way with a moray
Be a pimp for a chimp
Have a cracker with a quacker
Have a deer from the rear
Have a filler with a gorilla
Have a frig with a pig
Have a fuck with a duck
Have a goose with a moose
Have a hug with a bug
Have a lark with an aardvark
Have a rape with an ape
Have a screw with a shrew
Have a shag with a stag
Have a shaggin' with a dragon
Have a squirm with a worm
Have a toss with a hoss
Help old Watson with a dachshund
In a heap with a sheep
In the Bahamas with some llamas
In the dark with a shark
In the ear of a deer
In the esophagus of an octapus
In the lake with a drake
In the lug of a slug
In the sack with yak.
Have intercourse with a horse
Lick the clit of a nit
Make it coarse with a horse
Make it limp in a chimp
Make it twirl in a squirrel
Make it wonky with a donkey
Make love with a dove
Make some porn with a unicorn
Mate a 'gator then fellate her
In a bag with a stag
In the bog with a dog
On a honeymoon with a raccoon
On a train with a crane
On the lawn with a prawn
On top of the easel with a weasel
Part the hare of a mare
Put it in the mid of a squid
Put it in the mouth of a sloth
Put it through a gnu
Put your cock in a peacock
Put your noodle to a poodle
Put your thang in an orangutan
Rub the thigh of a fly
Shoot your load in a toad
Shove your log in a dog
Shove your willy up a filly
Sixty-nine with a swine
Skull fuck a duck
Stick you rod up a cod
Stick your dork in a stork
Stick your needle in a beetle
The best course is a horse
Up the ass of a bass
Up the back of a yak
Up the box of a fox
Up the fanny of a nanny
Up the flue of a shrew
Up the hole of a mole
Up the rear of a deer
Up the spout of a trout
Up the tail of a whale

Bitch, a dog, a female dog,
Itch, a place for you to scratch,
Hitch, I pull my knickers up,
Grab, another word for snatch,
Bath, a place for making gin,
Sex, another word for sin,
Prick, a needle going in,
And that will bring us back to
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch . . .

Once a boy was no good,
Took a girl into the wood,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Laid her down upon the grass,
Pinched her tits and slapped her ass,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Took her where nobody else could find her,
To a place where he could really grind her,
Rolled her over on her front,
Shoved his wank right up her cunt,
Blackbird, bye, bye.

But this girl she was no sport,
Took her story to a court,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Told her story in the morn,
All the jury had a horn,
Bye, bye, blackbird.
Then the judge came to his decision,
The poor sod got eighteen months in prison,
So next time, boy, do it right,
Stuff her twat with dynamite,
Blackbird, bye, bye.

When you wake up in the morning with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman use your own horny hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.

CHORUS:
Cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles,
Cats with the clap and cats with piles,
Cats with their arseholes wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a miserable life,
He can't afford a mistress and he doesn't have a wife,
So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The Australian lady emu when she wants to find a mate,
Wanders round the desert with a feather up her date,
You should see that feather, when she meets her destined fate,
As she revels in the joys of fornication.

The poor domestic doggie, on his chain all day,
Never gets a chance to get himself a lay,
So he licks himself in a frantic way,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The labors of the poofter find but little favor here,
But the morally leprous bastard has a peaceful sleep, I fear,
As he dreams he rips a red-un up some dirty urchin's rear,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The dainty little skylark sings a very pretty song,
He has a ponderous penis fully forty cubits long,
You should hear his high crescendo, when his mate is on the prong,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The whale is a mammal, as everybody knows,
He takes two days to have a shag, but when he's in the throes,
He doesn't stop to take it out; he piddles through his nose,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

When you find yourself in springtime with a surge of sexual joy,
And your wife has got the rag on and your daughter's rather coy,
Then jam it up the backside of your favorite choirboy,
As you revel in a smooth ejaculation.

The poor old rhinoceros, so it appears,
Never gets a grind in a thousand years,
But when he does, he makes up for arrears,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

In Egypt's sunny clime, the crocodile,
Gets a flip only once in a while,
But when he does, it floods the Nile,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The wild boar in the mud all day,
Thinks of the sows that are far, far away,
And the corkscrew motion of half a day,
As he revels in the joys of masturbation.

Now a funny old fish is the old sperm whale,
With a funny little diddle tucked beneath his tail,
And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

Now I met a girl who had a great rear,
And she gave me a dose of gonorrhea,
Fools rush in where angels fear,
As I reveled in the joys of fornication.

Little Mary Johnson will be seven next July,
She's never had a naughty, but she thought she'd like to try,
So she took her daddy's walking stick and did it on the sly,
As she reveled in the joys of fornication.

Long-legged curates grind like goats,
Pale-faced spinsters shag like shoats,
And the whole damn world stands about and gloats,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

The ostrich in the desert is a solitary chick,
Without the opportunity to dip its wick,
But whenever it does, it slips in thick,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The ape is small and rather slow,
Erect he stands a foot or so,
So when he comes it's time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The flea disports among the trees,
And there consorts with whom he please,
To fill the land with bastard fleas,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The elephant's prong is big and round,
A small one scales a thousand pound,
Two together rock the ground,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

The camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The donkey is a lonely bloke,
He hardly ever gets a poke,
But when he does he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The orangutan is a colorful sight,
There's a glow on its arse like a pilot light,
As it jumps and it leaps in the night,
As it revels in the joys of fornication.

The hippopotamus, so it seems,
Very, very rarely has wet dreams,
But when he does he comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The oyster is a paragon of purity,
And you can't tell the he from the she,
But he can tell and so can she,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

A thousand verses all in rhyme,
To sit and sing them seems a crime,
When we could better spend our time,
Reveling in the joys of fornication.

CHORUS (WORDS & ACTIONS):
Oh-h-h-h the birds of the air said,
Fuck it! Let's chuck it!
When they heard cock robin
Had kicked the fucking bucket!
When they heard-d-d-d cock robin-n-n-n
Had kicked the fucking bucket!

Who saw him die?
"I," said the fly,
"With my little eye,
I saw him die."

Who'll take his blood?
"I," said the mole,
"With my little bowl,
I'll take his blood."

The cuckoo is a funny bird,
Who sits in the grass,
With his wings neatly folded,
And his beak up his ass.
In this strange position,
He can only say, "Twit!"
'Cause it's hard to say, "Cuckoo,"
With a beak full of shit.

I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover,
That I over ran with the mower.
One leg is missing,
The other is gone,
The third leg is shredded,
All over the lawn.
You see there's no use explaining,
The one remaining,
It's spinning on the carport floor
(the carport floor),
I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover,
That I over ran, that I over ran,
That I over ran with the mower!

I'm looking over,
My minced dog Rover,
Who I hit with a power mower.
My dog's not eating,
He no longer barks,
He hit the propellor,
And turned into sparks.
No need explaining,
There's no dog remaining,
He's part of the grass, you see!
I'm looking over,
My dead dog Rover,
That I sent to eternity!

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Melody - Ghost Riders in the Sky
By Dingo, Hamersley HHH, contributed by J.R., Capital HHH
Note: Song is based on a true story, notorious in Australia, about a mother who claimed her missing baby was eaten by dingos during a camping trip to Ayers Rock.

Some Seventh Day Adventist went for a barbecue (barbecue, barbecue)
Where they met some dingoes that could eat much more than you (more than you, more than you)

Chorus:
Dingo, dingo
Beware of the dingo,
With a baby in its mouth

Lindy packed some vegies, but those dingoes wanted meat (wanted meat, wanted meat)
Kidneys and liver and arms and hands and feet (hands and feet, hands and feet)

Chorus

They searched and searched, and searched, and searched, all around Ayre's rock (Ayre's rock, Ayre's rock)
But all they found were dog turds, and a baby's sock (baby's sock, baby's sock)

Chorus

While the lawyers argued, Lindy got up the duff (up the duff, up the duff)
The dingoes were ecstatic, cos they hadn't had enough (had enough, had enough)

Chorus

Lindy got the lawyers, to fuck the government (government, government)
For a million or more, enough to pay the rent (pay the rent, pay the rent)

Chorus

The loser was the taxpayer, it usually is that way (is that way, is that way)
Especially when those lawyers and journos have their say (have their say, have their say)

Chorus

The dingo is a noble beast, who merely likes to eat (likes to eat, likes to eat)
And a veggie-reared Adventist, must have been a treat (been a treat, been a treat)

Chorus

Journalists and lawyers, they are a rotten lot (rotten lot, rotten lot)
It was them and not the dingo, that they should have shot (should have shot, should have shot)

Chorus

And now our story's over, there's only one thing left to say (left to say, left to say)
The dingo likes to graze, on the seventh day (seventh day, seventh day)

The doggies held a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by motorcycle,
Some came by motorcar.
Each doggy passed the entrance,
Each doggy signed the book,
Then each unshipped his arsehole,
And hung it on the hook.
One dog was not invited,
It sorely raised his ire,
He ran into the meeting hall
And loudly bellowed, "Fire!"
It threw them in confusion,
And without a second look,
Each grabbed another's arsehole
From off another hook.
And that's the reason why, sir,
When walking down the street,
And that's the reason why, sir,
When doggies chance to meet,
And that's the reason why, sir,
On land or sea or foam,
He will sniff another's arsehole,
To see if it's his own.

A man's best friend is his duck,
A duck's got plenty of pluck,
And when you're down on your luck,
They're always good for a meal.
. . . it works well if you can persuade some idiot to quack once or twice at the end of each line.

Fuck a duck,
A female duck,
Screw a baby kangaroo,
Finger bang an orangutan,
Let an elephant eat you,
FEEL the penis of an eel,
WHACK the asshole of a yak,
MASTURBATE with a gnu,
That will bring us back to
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck . . .
Repeat with motions, humming, silence, etc

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Melody - Itself
Commercial Song by Britain's Ivor Biggun
Originally Contributed From Jacksing, by Sharkey Ward
Third Verse by Ken (Bollox) Sowton of Phuket HHH

Some people like a pussy, a budgie or a tit;
Some people take up with a spaniel pup that fills the house with shit;
Me now, I keep chickens and I have a favourite one;
He's dick my big red rooster and I don't know where he's gone.
( gone, gone )

chorus: has anybody seen my cock ?, my big Rhode Island red;
He's mostly pink with a little bit of blue and purple on his head;
He stands straight up in the morning and he gives my wife a shock;
Has anybody seen, anybody seen, anybody seen my cock ?

He's a stiff necked little upstart, I’ve known him all my life;
He's a constant source of pleasure and a torment to my wife;
Sometimes he's magnificent and sometimes small and thin;
But he puffs up just like a pigeon if you tickle him under his chin.
( chin, chin )

He's two big wattles hanging, they're the best that you can find;
Madam you may stroke him if you feel that way inclined;
Be careful not to pull him for 'though he's very shy;
If he gets excited he can spit right in your eye.
( eye, eye )

My Kitten was startin’ to bore me;
He was a false god there before me,
So I put him in a bag out on the lawn.
Run him over with my Briggs & Stratton,
He was smushed and he was flattened,
But just before he died he said to me: (Echo: He said to me:)

Now don’t you run over your kittens with a lawnmower for Jesus,
Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord.
Now don’t you run over your kittens with a lawnmower for Jesus.
You know you only do it because you’re bored.

I went out to ride my camel,
Lookin’ round for another mammal,
When that beast turned east and bowed and began to pray.
I inferred he prayed to Mecca, so I cried: “Salom Alecca”
As hoof to hump that critter I did flay.

Now don’t you persecute your friends with sharp objects for Jesus,
Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord.
Now don’t you persecute your friends with sharp objects for Jesus.
You know you only do it because you’re bored.

Well I went out to milk my Bessie;
I found out that she made messy.
I said: “I cannot abide this Hindu doo.” (Echo: Well, could you?)
So I had to immolate ‘er,
And afterward we ate her,
And now you don’t hear Bessie cryin’ “Moo.”

Now don’t you immolate your friends on the pyre for Jesus,
Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord.
Now don’t you immolate your friends on the pyre for Jesus.
You know you only do it because you’re bored.

Well my kitten used to yammer,
And in such a raucous manner,
He’d disturb the Day of Rest each Sunday morn.
So I removed his duodenum,
And my kitten stopped a’ screamin’
And now he makes a sweet song to the Lord.

Now don’t you turn your little friends into guitar strings for Jesus,
Though they’ve sinned in the eyes of the Lord.
Now don’t you turn your little friends into guitar strings for Jesus.
You know you only do it because you’re bored.

Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 1:
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

CHORUS 2:
The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1

A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Bring me some whiskey, mother,
I'm feeling frisky, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
I need a lover, mother,
No, not my brother, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!

Gerbils don't make it, mother,
They just can't take it, mother.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!
Owls, bats and other critters,
Just tend to give me jitters.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!

Sheep never talk about it,
They never ever doubt it.
Always so placid, affectionate and nice!
Give me that lanolin,
Better than flannel-in.
I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night!

Oh, the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor,
And the place was closed for the night,
When out from his hole crept a little brown mouse,
And sat in the pale moonlight.
Oh, he lapped up the liquor on the barroom floor,
And back on his haunches he sat,
And all night long you could hear him roar,
BRING ON THE GODDAMNED CAT!

OPTIONAL VERSE:
Oh, the cat came out and they had a little spat,
And the cat ate up on the mouse,
And the moral of the story is,
YOU CAN'T DRINK LIQUOR ON THE HOUSE!

Oh, I used to have a doggie and I called him Little Gomez,
Because he was a Mexican Chihuahua.
Though there wasn't much to him what there was was all cajones.
In fact he was a randy little fella
Big dogs, small dogs were all the same to him,
The canine equivalent of Errol Flynn.
At the drop of a sombrero he'd jump up and get stuck in,
Taking Gomez out for walkies was embarrassing.

I remember one day in the park his tally rose by four,
An enviable score he was amassing,
Two very patient poodles and an Irish Labrador,
And a woman who just happened to be passin'.

I tried every way to curb his carnal appetite,
I kept him on a leash by day, I locked him up at night.
I even put bromide in his chunky meaty bites,
But the only thing that might have worked was kryptonite.

Then came the fateful day when he tried to consummate,
A liaison with a St Bernard from Dublin.
And although he was quite clearly fighting well above his weight,
He didn't let that minor detail stop him.
He nearly pulled it off, oh, what an acrobat.
But the bitch got bored and down she sat.
Well, they say that after making love you sometimes feel quite flat,
I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with that.

I buried Little Gomez in the park, his happy hunting ground a sad but fitting finale.
Though I had to make a grave that was very flat and round,
Cause he looked like squashed tamale.

But oh, how I missed my wee Chihuahua chum,
I went down to the pet shop to find another one.
I went there feeling happy, but I left there feeling glum,
Because the man behind the counter loved corny puns.

And he said, "Yes, we have no Chihuahuas, we have no Chihuahuas today.
We have Alsations, Dalmations, fruits of all flirtations,
An alpine Pekingese and a toupee.
But yes, we have no Chihuahuas, we have no Chihuahuas today."

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Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike
Contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4 (some verses by Flying Booger, jHavelina HHH; and Satan, Pittsburg HHH)

CHORUS (SUNG WHILE MAKING ANTLERS ON HEAD WITH HANDS):
Moose, moose, I love a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose
My life has been merry,
My women been loose,
But nothing compares to the love of a moose.

When I'm in the mood for a very fine lay,
I go to the closet and pull out some hay,
I open the window and spread it around,
Because moose will come running when there's hay on the ground.

HARRIERS' VERSES:
When I was a young lad I played with the girls,
I'd fondle their titties and twirl their curls,
But my true love ran off with a classmate named Bruce,
I never got treated that way by a moose.

Women like pearls and diamonds and cars,
I spend all my money on them in bars,
But a moose is content to be tied to a tree,
While I find other mooses to satisfy me.

Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.

Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose
As the feeling you gets when you humps with a moose.

HARRIETTES' VERSES:
All my past lovers did brag about size,
Those tales of twelve inches were nothing but lies,
But a moose is the size that a man ought to be,
That's why from now on it's mooses for me.

When I was much younger I read dirty books,
I stroked myself with each gazing look,
But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle,
Then getting it off with that stud Bullwinkle.

Now that I'm older and into my years,
I'll have you to know that I shed no tears,
While I lay by the fire with a glass of Mateus,
Playing hide the salami with Marvin the Moose.

MOOSE SONG - Version # 2
Melody - Villikins and His Dinah (Sweet Betsy from Pike)
By Anne Bredon, contributed by ZiPpy, Pike's Peak H4. This appears to be the original version of the "Moose Song."

There's an infamous song goin' 'round 'bout a moose,
It's really quite funny and quite full of juice,
But all of it's told from a masculine view,
And a lot of us women want to get a piece too.

CHORUS:
Moose, moose, I want a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I've had lots of others, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.

I figured it all out one day by myself,
When my man went off and left me on the shelf,
He'd found him a new love, a nubile moose-ess,
Which gave me a bad case of rampant distress.

"What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose,"
Said I as I set out to find me a moose,
But I ran into problems that men do not mind,
For male moose are seasonal creatures, you'll find.

I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring,
I hunted all summer and found not a thing,
But I found my moose when leaves started to fall,
And . . . oh brother! did I have a ball.

With my arms 'round his barrel, my feet by his tail,
I hanged and we banged and we really did flail,
Bouncing and jouncing I came with a roar,
I never had had such a great lay before.

But autumn soon passed and so I said goodbye,
I'll be here next year when the leaves start to fly,
Yes I will return when the leaves start to fall,
And we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball.

And so, my dear sisters, I have to confess,
Being balled by a moose, it is really the best,
But you'll make out with others for most of the year,
For male moose are seasonal creatures, I fear.

A bear in the winter is furry and warm,
And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm.
In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light,
That is if you are not afraid of great height.

In summer, I fear, you must make do with men,
But, not to worry, soon fall comes again.
Then you can return to your own faithful moose,
And revel in supremely scrumptious screws.

MOOSE SONG - Version # 3
Melody - Sweet Betsy from Pike
Version known to Walt Leipold, contributed by Ed Cray

When I'm in the mood for a very good lay,
I go to the closet and get me some hay,
I go to the woods and I spread it around,
For the moose come out when there's hay on the ground

CHORUS:
And it's moose! Moose! I want a moose!
I have never had anything quite like a moose!
I've had many women, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose

When I was a young man I did it with girls,
I fondled their breasties and played with their curls,
But my true love ran off with a salesman named Bruce...
Now, I've never been treated like that by a moose.

Well, I've done it with all sorts of beasties with hair,
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs weren't there,
I've done it with llamas and sheepdogs and goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.

Oh, gorillas are fun on a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers can put up a fight,
But it's not quite the same when I ram their caboose,
As the feeling I get when I hump on a moose.

Well, now that I'm old and advanced in my years,
When I look at my past I'll shed me no tears,
As I sit in my rocker with a glass of Mateus,
Playing hide the salami with Millie the Moose!

When I was a young girl (man) I used to like boys (girls),
I fondled their tights (bodies) and played with their toys (curls),
But me boy (girl) friend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,
You'd never get treatment like that from a Moose!

CHORUS:
So it's Moose, Moose, I like a Moose,
I've never had anything quite like a Moose,
I've had many lovers, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!

Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,
I go to me stables and gets me some hay,
I opens me window and spreads it around,
'Cause Moose always comes when there's hay on the ground!

Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a Moose!

Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams your caboose
As the feeling you gets when you humps with a Moose!

I've tried many beasties on land or on sea
I've even tried hump-backs that humped back on me!
Sharks are quite good, tho they're hard to pull loose
But on dry land there is nothing quite like a moose!

Woodchucks are all right except that they bite
And foxes and rabbits won't last thru the night!
Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce
But you never need worry should you find a moose!

Step in my study, and trophies you'll find
A black striped tiger and scruffy maned lion
You'll know the elephant by his ivory tooth
And the one that's a-winking, you know is the moose!

The lion succumbed to a thirty-ought-six
Machine guns and tigers I've proved do not mix
The elephant fell by a bomb with a fuse
But I won't tell a soul how I did in the moose!

I've found many women attracted to me
A few of them have had me over for tea
Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose
But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose!

The good Lord made Adam, and then He made Eve
Said He: "If you sin now, I'll ask you to leave!"
They left not because of Eve's forbidden fruit
But 'cause Adam decided the moose there were cute!

The English are said to like boars who've had corn
The Celtics just dream of the young Unicorn
The Germans, it's said, just need leather and rope
But give me a moose and I'll no longer mope!

Now I've broken the laws in this god-awful state
They've put me in prison and locked up the gate
They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose
But my last night I'll spend with a good sexy moose!

Next morning the Governor's word reached my ears
"We've commuted your sentence to ninety-nine years!"
"You won't get parole; not a five minute's truce,
And your friend goes to Sing-Sing, he's so big-a-moose!"

(slowly)
Now that I'm old and advanced in me years,
I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears,
As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse,
And play hide the salami with Marvin (Millie) the Moose!

They say that my girlfriend's a bit of beast,
I have to admit that it's true,
She's an animal lover to say the least,
And now only a donkey will do.
She once climbed in the cage with a tapir,
Now they won't let her into the zoo,
She was trying to persuade it to rape her,
But now only a donkey will do.

She's done it with dogs,
She's done it with hogs,
She tried with an ape,
But the monkey cried rape,
So now only a donkey will do,
Now only a donkey will do.

I got home one day and found her dog-knotted,
With the Rottweiler from next door,
By several neighbours she was spotted,
As the pair crept around on all fours,
The dog was panting, exhausted,
It plight couldn't be ignored,
Can't tell if it was willing or she forced it,
But my girl was crying out for more.

She'll try with a goat,
Or curl up with a stoat,
She tried intercourse,
With a willing race horse,
But now only a donkey will do,
Now only a donkey will do.

They won't let my girlfriend visit the farm,
Where she had a stable relationship,
With the Hereford bull that lived in the barn,
And the ram that serviced the sheep;
Cos the stallion the farmer rode to the hunt,
Was too tired to trot to the meet,
Now she keeps a donkey and performs some neat stunts,
Cos my girlfriend's a bit of a beast.

She'll do it for a laugh,
With a tiger or giraffe,
By a sheepdog she got tupped,
(But we didn't keep the pups),
But now only a donkey will do,
Now only a donkey will do.

(Take turns leading verses)
The sexual life of the camel,
Is stranger than anyone thinks,
At the height of the mating season
He tries to bugger the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior sphincter
Is clogged by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel,
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

In the process of civilization,
From the anthropoid ape down to man,
It is generally held that the Navy
Has buggered whatever it can,
Yet recent extensive researches
By Darwin and Huxley and Hall,
Conclusively prove that the hedgehog
Has never been buggered at all.

We therefore believe our conclusion
Is incontrovertibly shown,
That comparative safety on shipboard
Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone.
Why haven't they done it at Spithead,
As they've done it at Harvard and Yale,
And also at Oxford and Cambridge,
By shaving the spines off its tail?

So come all you hashers,
And to the occassion arise,
Grab yourselves a hedgehog,
And enjoy a real suprise.
The following instructions,
Will ensure you do not fail,
Simply ream out its ass with a hosepipe,
And shave the spines off its tail.

The sexual life of the ostrich,
Is hard to understand.
At the height of the mating season,
It buries its head in the sand,
And if another ostrich finds it,
Standing there with its ass in the air,
Does it have the urge to grind it,
Or doesn't it bloody well care?

It was Christmas Eve in the harem,
The eunuchs all standing there,
A hundred dusky maidens,
Combing their pubic hair.
When along came Father Christmas,
Striding down the marble halls,
When he asked what they wanted for Christmas,
The eunuchs all answered, "Our balls!"

Oh, the old men were having a birthday,
Standing at the bar,
Thinking about the old times,
Thinking back so far.
When along came a youthful maiden,
By Christ she was so fair,
When she asked what they'd like for their birthday,
The old men all shouted, "Hair!"

My name is Cecil,
I come from Leicester Square,
I wear open-toed sandals,
And a rosebud in my hair.
For we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we all go out in pairs.

My name is Basil,
My friend's name is Bond,
When we go out together,
They call us Basilden Bond.
For we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs,
For we're all queers together,
That's why we go out in pairs.

I went for a ride on a "Puff Puff,"
I found I had to stand,
A little boy offered me his seat,
So I went for it with my hand.
For we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs,
For we're all queer together,
That's why we go out in pairs.

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Melody - Frosty the Snowman
By Jim "Whiff" Montgomery of the Pittsburgh HHH, "Skippy" is based upon supposedly true events and was composed and performed during Americas InterHash '89 in San Diego

Skippy the Squirrel is a jolly happy soul,
With his smashed out brains and his broken nose,
And some gravel up his hole.

Skippy the Squirrel is a hasher's tale they say,
He was just too slow and the hashers know,
He was squished to death one day.

There must have been some magic,
In that old dead squirrel they found,
For when they tied him to the bus he began to fly around.

Oh, Skippy the Squirrel is as dead as he can be,
But the hashers say he can hash and play,
Just the same as you and me.

(happy whistle interlude)

Skippy the Squirrel knew the sun was hot that day,
So he said, "Lets run,
And we'll have some fun, before I rot away."

Down to the Apres, with a rope tied to his tail,
Flying here and there, all around the square,
Saying , "You'll go straight to hell."

He led them down the trail that day,
Right to a parking lot,
Where Monster Bator licked a girl,
Whose father called a cop.

Monster and Skippy had to hurry out of there,
But they waved good-bye,
Sayin ', "Don't you cry, we'll be back again next year."

If you go down to the woods today,
You're in for a big surprise.
If you go down to the woods today,
You'll never believe your eyes.
'Cause Mum and Dad are having a screw,
Uncle Frank is having a wank,
And Auntie D is having it off with Granddad.

Those angel bears have come on their bikes,
All dressed in their leather gear.
There's gallons of scrumps all green with lumps,
And horrible Watney's beer.
Now one of 'em downed a pint of it quick,
And then was promptly horribly sick,
And filled up Paddington Bear's new wellies.

CHORUS:
We're off to see the Wild West Show,
The elephant and the kangaroo-o-oo,
Never mind the weather, as long as we're together,
We're off to see the Wild West Show.

Leader: Now here, ladies and gentlemen, in the first cage we have the laughing hyena.
Pack: The laughing hyena? Fantastic! Incredible! What the fuck is a laughing hyena? Tell us about the son-of-a-bitch!!
Leader: This animal lives up in the mountains and once every year he comes down to eat. Once every two years he comes down to drink, and once every three years he comes down for sexual intercourse. What the hell he has to laugh about I don't know.

The Giraffe - This creature is the most popular animal in the animal kingdom. Why? Every time he goes into a bar he says, "Gentlemen, the high-balls are on me."

The Famous Tattooed Lady - On the inside of her left thigh she has tattooed MERRY CHRISTMAS, and on the inside of her right thigh she has tattooed HAPPY NEW YEAR, and she'd like to invite you to come up between the holidays!

The Orangutan - This animal lives in the deepest jungle, and his scrotal sac is so pliant and flexible that as he swings from branch to branch his balls go ORANG-U-TANG, ORANG-U-TANG.

The Oster-reich - This animal, at the first sign of danger, buries its head in the sand and whistles through the 'hole of the afternoon.

The Rhino-sauras - This animal, ladies and gentlemen, is reputed to be the richest in the world. Its name is derived from the Latin "rhino" meaning money, and "sore ass" meaning piles; hence, piles of money.

The Keerie Bird - This bird lives only in the Antarctic, and every time it lands on the ice it says, "Keerie, Keerie, Keeriest, it's cold!"

Prince, the Rock 'n' Roll Star - Yes, ladies and gentlemen, living proof that Little Richard and Liberace were once man and wife!

The Leo-pard - Yes, folks, the leopard has one spot on its coat for every day of the year. What about leap year? George, lift up the leopard's tail and show the lady the 29th of February.

The Winky Wanky Bird - Folks, by some mystery of nature, the nerves of this bird's eyelids are connected to its scrotum. Every time it winks, it wanks, andevery time it wanks, it winks. Hey you, boy, stop throwing sand in the bird's eye!

The Ele-phant - The elephant has an enormous appetite. In one day it eats two tons of hay, one dozen bunches of bananas, and twenty buckets of rice. Madam, please don't stand too near the elephant. Madam? Madam? Oh, dear God! George, get the shovel!

The Mathematical Impossibility - Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the girl you see before you in this cage was ate before she was seven!

The Oozle Woozle Bird - These birds fly in a line ahead formation, and at the first sign of danger, the last bird flies up the asshole of the bird in front, and so on up the line. The remaining bird then flies around in ever-decreasing circles, finally disappearing up its own fundamental orifice, from which it proceeds to shower shit and derision in all directions.

The Tri-angular - Folks, this animal has a triangular orifice. Hence the pyramids and the YWCA.

The Second Tattooed Lady - On one leg she has tattooed FIRE, and on the other leg she had tattooed BRIMSTONE, and in between it looks like HELL!

The Gay-zelle - This pretty little four-footed animal you see on your right, ladies and gentlemen, wot has the peculiarity that every time it leaps from rock to rock it farts, and the scientists are still trying to determine whether it farts because it leaps or whether it leaps because it farts.

The Well-Known Oolie-Goolie Bird - This bird, wot as you will observe if you look carefully at it, has no legs, and is called what it is, ladies and gentlemen, because when the male of the species comes in to land you can hear him cry, "Ooh, me goolies! Ooh, me goolies!"

The French Pervertable - This fine automobile is the last of it's kind, no longer for sale anywhere in the world. Notice the convertible top, the five-speed manual transmission, the automatic cruise control, and the dual halogen headlights. It seats two in the front and comfortably accomodates 69 in the back.

TheTattooed Cowgirl - The tattooed cowgirl has a tattoo of Roy Clark on her left thigh and a tattoo of Hank Williams on her right thigh . . . and who's that in the middle, Willy Nelson?

The Plumb Line Bird - This bird spends most of its time high above the world's oceans, circling in the jet stream until it spies what it is after. Immediately it folds its wings, dives toward the sea, and gathers an ever-increasing momentum until it reaches terminal velocity. At that precise moment it hits the surface of the sea but continues diving straight down, now with decreasing momentum, until, if it has got the timing precisely right, it comes to a stop behind a sardine which has just farted, whereupon it seizes the bubble in its beak for use in spirit levels.

The Circus Acrobat - If you will but observe the Circus Acrobat's ass you will observe a tattooed M on one cheek and a corresponding M on the other. When he bends over he spells MOM. When he stands on his head he spells WOW. When he turns cartwheels, he spells WOW MOM WOW.

The Female Mathematician - This lady, folks, believes that this (hold fingers three inches apart) is twelve inches.

The Famous Oooh-Aaah Bird - The male of this species, ladies and gentlemen, resides at the North Pole while the female resides at the South Pole. At the appointed season the male Oooh-Aaah flies south from the North Pole and the female Oooh-Aaah flies north from the South Pole until they meet at the Equator, whereupon one can here them call, "Ooooooooooh-Aaaaaaaaaah!"

The Tri-Angular Iceberg - A most uncommon iceberg, ladies and gentlemen, where on the first side you will see an Indonesian keeping a private school, and on the second side an American keeping a private school, while on the third side you will observe a polar bear sliding up and down, keeping his privates cool.

The Homosexual Sparrow - This bird is so called, ladies and gentlemen, because sometimes he flies backwards for a lark.

The Infamous Fuccari Tribe - This tribe, as you will see, dear friends, is composed of small-statured people wot live in the middle of Africa, where the grass grows to an incredible height of 18 feet or more, and all day long the members of this tribe wander, calling, "Where the Fuccari? Where the Fuccari?"

The Fight Between the Snake and the Ostrich - (Please note that this one is limited only by the teller's imagination and the audience's patience. So far the Guinness Book of Records has refused to list the longest known version, but a respectable average would be around 15 minutes. What follows is a bare outline; embellish it as you will): In the left-hand corner, ladies and gentlemen, stands the ostrich (to be followed by a life history of the contestant, fight record, size of jock strap, etc.), while in the right-hand corner stands the snake (ditto). And there, ladies and gentlemen, goes the bell for round one (followed by a description of the fight - this round, and all subsequent rounds, should take at least three minutes of fast talking, and should all end in the same waywith the snake diving into the ostrich's mouth, wriggling swiftly through the ostrich's digestive apparatus, and emerging from it's asshole. Because of this clever maneuver, each round goes to the snake, until the FINAL round, wherein the snake finally dives into the ostrich's mouth, swiftly wriggles through the ostrich's digestive apparatus, and is ABOUT to emerge from its asshole when the ostrich shoves its beak up its own asshole and says, "Now loop-the-loop, you bastard!").