What would you do?
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Page 2

Vic, you need to know what the problem is, to find out if it can be resolved. Don't get angry (in their presence), just stay calm and be reasonable and find out, directly from them if possible, why they do not seem to be happy with her choice of life partner, given the fact that you seem to make her happy and she obviously loves you enough to want to start a family with you, despite your numerous flaws.

If it turns out that they are in fact a bunch of bigots intent on maintaining the dubious purity of the Scottish race, then you know what to do.

Look, it all depends on how much you love your girlfriend honestly.
If you know in the back of your mind that you are going to split up eventually then sure, why spend time with people you don't like.
But if this girl is the one then you'll have to face these people throughout your life, there's inevitably going to be marriages, funerals and what not where you want to look them straight in the eyes.
Just be a man about it and suck it up.

nickthegun wrote:
Looking at it from the outside, your massive gamerscore, willingness to sack them off in favour of the Xbox and listing one of their redeeming features as 'they have 3G coverage' would also make me consider if you were right for my sister.

I don't mean to sound insulting, but it sounds like you have at least contributed to this situation with a hugely negative attitude.

Other than that, what is between her and her brother is none of your business. It seems he's got a bit of an issue, and given time that may or may not resolve itself. Just stay out of that one. Never ends well.

Other than that, try to make an effort. They may not think you are right for their precious little girl - but parents are like that. Siblings are like that too...

Sorry for trimming some of your post Kami, but for me there's a difference between an actual sibling sticking their nose in, and (as in Vice Destroyer's case), a brother-in-law. If it was her brother, as you (presumably mistakenly) say, then I could understand, but a brother-in-law has no right whatsoever to be sticking his nose in his wife's sister's relationship imo. I think I would have hit the roof if I was in Vice Destroyer's shoes on this one.

What I will say from experience though is that it's quite common that people whinge to their family every time their partner does something wrong, but (quite naturally) don't bother to mention everything that's good about the relationship. Family members can therefore get a skewed impression of the relationship, thinking that (say) the odd argument here and there is actually some massive war within the couple, or that an unkind word said in anger actually represents one partner's feelings towards the other when it doesn't. Are you sure your girlfriend hasn't been doing anything like that, Vice Destroyer?

nickthegun wrote:
Looking at it from the outside, your massive gamerscore, willingness to sack them off in favour of the Xbox and listing one of their redeeming features as 'they have 3G coverage' would also make me consider if you were right for my sister.

I don't mean to sound insulting, but it sounds like you have at least contributed to this situation with a hugely negative attitude.

First of all, no offense taken. It's quite difficult to get the whole picture, when important facts haven't been given to you. Basically, me and the girlfriend met when I was still living in London. She is scottish and had been down south for about 8 years and had hated living so far from her family. So she moved up and said that if I wanted the relationship to continue, I had to move to Glasgow.

You have to appreciate that moving from your hometown to another is a huge sacrifice. My career was in London. My friends, family, in short my entire life was in London. But I moved up there for her. And as I just found out, the brother-in-law was saying that I shouldn't move up, before I had even moved up.

My huge gamerscore came about because I was unemployed for about 10 months. (thank you, working eurogamers for subsidising my gaming habit. And thank you to boomerangrentals.com for allowing me to game on a budget).

In regards to my flippant "at least they have 3G coverage comment", I am not a totally rude, anti-social wanker, who would completely ignore a social gathering to post on Twitter and Eurogamer. I have got some manners. What I had tried to imply (poorly) is that having to socialise with her family, when potentially all of them thought I was wrong for my girlfriend didn't really make me want to socialise with them. There are obviously always two sides to a story. But that is how I see the situation.

They have been hinting that we should break up for years. Girlfriend has ignored their friendly advice and now the brother-in-law has ostracised her for a perceived year long campaign of snide remarks.

Other than that, what is between her and her brother is none of your business. It seems he's got a bit of an issue, and given time that may or may not resolve itself. Just stay out of that one. Never ends well.

Other than that, try to make an effort. They may not think you are right for their precious little girl - but parents are like that. Siblings are like that too...

Sorry for trimming some of your post Kami, but for me there's a difference between an actual sibling sticking their nose in, and (as in Vice Destroyer's case), a brother-in-law. If it was her brother, as you (presumably mistakenly) say, then I could understand, but a brother-in-law has no right whatsoever to be sticking his nose in his wife's sister's relationship imo. I think I would have hit the roof if I was in Vice Destroyer's shoes on this one.

What I will say from experience though is that it's quite common that people whinge to their family every time their partner does something wrong, but (quite naturally) don't bother to mention everything that's good about the relationship. Family members can therefore get a skewed impression of the relationship, thinking that (say) the odd argument here and there is actually some massive war within the couple, or that an unkind word said in anger actually represents one partner's feelings towards the other when it doesn't. Are you sure your girlfriend hasn't been doing anything like that, Vice Destroyer?

I know what you mean, and I am sure that my lack of cooking skills and general untidyness has been mentioned, but I had the deck stacked against me, before the brother-in-law had a chance to judge our relationship when we were living together.

Have to agree with Billy here, if by "xenophobe" he means "complete prick": especially after reading Vice Destroyer's reply to nickthegun a couple of posts up. I'd have nothing but respect for someone who'd made that kind of sacrifice for a member of my family (and as someone who now lives over 1000km away from his friends and family, I can sympathise).

I can't be arsed to read the whole thread I'm afraid but life relationships are kind of impossible if you can't maintain a relationship with your partner's family. I would suggest going for a drink with the offending culprits and laying it on the table. Then, after you put your cock away. Tell them how serious you are and that you're not going anywhere.

It sounds like they're filthy racists. Go to their house for dinner. Slip a mild sedative into the brother's drink. When he excuses himself in order to retire for the night, lock him in his bedroom.
Stand outside and wait for him to discover the 13 venomous millipedes in his bed.
Laugh as he bangs at the door, screaming in horror.

Far less time invested, and no possible race elements. More inverted class snobbery.

Her family couldn't stand me because I had two degrees and thought money wasn't the be all end all, and that I have a middle English accent. She never stood up for me, and her mum actively got at her about me.

That ended amicably, surprisingly, but I grew to loathe her family. It also ended not because of them, but because of our own issues.

I have got involved in family arguments involving the missus (her side). In my case it was silly to get involved as it didn't involve me, but the situation dictated I did, and it was stupid.

If it is only one member of her family being a dick, then don't get involved, if only because if you get on with other members you will become an outcast. Inevitably the other party will be sided with and then that just makes a bad situation worse.

Having said that if it involves you directly, then take action of sorts, but just be careful you don't lose your missus in the process. Because from what you have said it is not just a case of losing her but a way of life.

Well, the way forward for me is to let it be. Like I said, it's not my family and it is more aggravating than infuriating. I'd rather be disliked for something that I had done wrong, rather than this nebulous 'not right for her' shit.

localnotail wrote:
Vic, you need to know what the problem is, to find out if it can be resolved. Don't get angry (in their presence), just stay calm and be reasonable and find out, directly from them if possible, why they do not seem to be happy with her choice of life partner...

I'll be honest with you, local. I really don't care for their approval. It's been years. If they couldn't come around to the fact that our relationship was good, then I really can't be asked to convince them of that.

It's not about caring for their approval. You don't have to like them, or care what they think.

This isn't about you. It's about your missus. You do whatever she wants you to do on this, IMO. If you care about her, you want her to be happy. Compromise is the key to every successful relationship - if you don't want to do this, then maybe you shouldn't be together.

Sounds like your brother-in-law is a git, let him prove this by politely and calmly asking him to explain his issues with you in front of witnesses, after which point either the air will be cleared or you have the ultimate moral victory and never have to speak to him again.

As for her sisters, well, you may not care for them but she obviously does. They are her family, they've known her a lot longer than you. We may not get the chance to choose them, and we not get on with them that well, but we can usually have a reasonable expectation that our families will continue to be part of our life forever, whereas the spouse role is one we can only hope is permanent. You need to help your missus to keep peace with her sisters, even if that does mean going to spend time at their houses when you don't want to. Sounds like you haven't exactly made much of an effort to impress your suitor-bility on them by actually making an effort to show how well you get on as a couple.

Putting anyone in a position where they have to choose between you and their family will always backfire in my experience. Up to you though, obviously.

So if 1 of her 3 sisters thinks you should split up, can't you have a chat with the other 2 who presumably think you're alright?
If the whole family minus 1 sibling agrees you're alright as a couple maybe them being a little more vocal in support of you for a little while may turn the other one around?

localnotail wrote:
It's not about caring for their approval. You don't have to like them, or care what they think.

This isn't about you. It's about your missus. You do whatever she wants you to do on this, IMO. If you care about her, you want her to be happy. Compromise is the key to every successful relationship - if you don't want to do this, then maybe you shouldn't be together.

Sounds like your brother-in-law is a git, let him prove this by politely and calmly asking him to explain his issues with you in front of witnesses, after which point either the air will be cleared or you have the ultimate moral victory and never have to speak to him again.

As for her sisters, well, you may not care for them but she obviously does. They are her family, they've known her a lot longer than you. We may not get the chance to choose them, and we not get on with them that well, but we can usually have a reasonable expectation that our families will continue to be part of our life forever, whereas the spouse role is one we can only hope is permanent. You need to help your missus to keep peace with her sisters, even if that does mean going to spend time at their houses when you don't want to. Sounds like you haven't exactly made much of an effort to impress your suitor-bility on them by actually making an effort to show how well you get on as a couple.

Putting anyone in a position where they have to choose between you and their family will always backfire in my experience. Up to you though, obviously.

Maybe I am misunderstanding you, or maybe I am not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an elegant way to cut the girlfriends family out of her/our life. And I completely understand that her family is important to her. I live with her. I speak to her every day and I have seen how upset it has made her, that because of her brother-in-law, she is essentially no longer welcome to step foot into their house. I haven't thrown my weight around, forcing her to make a decision. She is taking the lead on how to deal with this. And she has done, ever since she first told me that *someone* in her family didn't approve of our relationship. Which was well over two years ago. And in that time, I've been round to all three of the sisters houses. We have spend christmas together. Gone to Portugal with the brother-in-law (and his wife) in question. Been to restaurants together, done everything that people that are friends would normally do.

It's a shame that it is coming across like I am not making an effort to show that we get on well as a couple.

As for her other sisters, I have no problems with them. As I said before, the girlfriend had said that *someone* in her family didn't approve. But didn't want to tell me who. But I didn't make a fuss about that and took the view that the girlfriend had. Two years ago. Their opinion is their opinion.

But most importantly, I have not, NEVER WILL, and don't expect my girlfriend to choose between me and her family. If I have implied that anywhere, please point me to that passage and I will edit accordingly.

my aunt married a muslim and my grandad being from a small indian town where people are small minded and don't know the way of the world banned them both from his house and never saw them again, including his grandson.

even now he is dead, my aunt won't step foot in his house.

and yet in other ways, my grandad was far ahead of his time, sending all 7 of his daughters to school, college and if they wanted to, uni, at a time and place when that was considered a waste of money and usually only boys were educated.

Tonka wrote:
Sounds like the best thing would be if you knew who's the disapproving sis. Then you smooch up to the other two.

I now know who the disapproving sister is. I'm not so sure about the other two. But I won't press the issue. Like me or not, I'm going to be there for a long time yet. And I think I'd prefer to be kept ignorant of the other two sisters feelings towards me. Makes it easier to socialise with them, if I believe that they actually approve of the relationship I have with their sister.