Comment: Barometer

Shagged out? Acupuncture is the key. It works for President, a pedigree Hereford bull. He is suffering from nervous exhaustion brought on by having to service 80 cows. For an organic (or should that be orgasmic?) stud, drugs are out of the question. According to his owner, Richard Clothier: "He is only four and he became over-excited and stressed when faced with his new task of servicing about 80 cows. An older bull will see to a few in the morning and a few in the afternoon and leave the rest till the next morning. But a young, inexperienced bull tries to go at them all as fast as possible. President is now suffering from overwork." Aren't we all...

Naked gun

Charlie Dimmock, the bra-less celebrity, has been chosen by the Stock Exchange to front a campaign to get folk to buy shares: "Gardeners are prudent people who realise that it takes a long time for things to grow, just like shares." They may also be reminded that, at record highs, the stock market has, like Charlie, no visible means of support.

Oh yes!

John Major has discovered a secret half-brother, living in America. John is said to be "chuffed to bits". But does the unknown Major like peas? Does he tuck the tail of his shirt into his underpants? Are his enemies "bastards"?

It Hertz

A lawyer who filed a drink-driving lawsuit in the US has caused fury. John Stemberger said Dollar Rent-a-Car should have known that Sean McGrath was prone to drink, because he was from Ireland. Stemberger told a Florida court: "To the Irish, drinking and driving is not a big deal. Anyone knows that." Mr Stemberger based his research on chats with friends, who told him that Ireland's roads were mostly cobbled. Presumably Sean ran over a leprechaun. Slainte!

Image of the week

Supporters of Megwati Sukarnoputri, campaigning in the Indonesian elections. Here's hoping there'll be no monkeying about with democracy.