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Saturday, 6 March 2010

St George's Day

Now, we all know that nobody bothers with St George's Day. People say this is because of political correctness gone mad (I love saying "political correctness gone mad", it makes it sound like a right laugh. It isn't though.) but I don't think that's the case. Nobody bothered with it back in the seventies either, and as we all know from Channel 4 list/nostalgia shows, you know, the ones with Goldie Looking Chain and that really stupid bird out of Big Brother from about three years ago, back then casual racism was absolutely hilarious.

I reckon the reason is, St George is shit. I'll tell you for why. Firstly, he's not just the patron saint of England. He's the patron saint of loads of countries. The massive tart. One of those countries is Germany. You can see why we kept that shit quiet.

Secondly, what did he do exactly? They say he slayed a dragon, but I think my old friend "Shitty the Bull" might have a few words to say about that, words that go a bit like "er, dragons don't exist. They're made up, like Avatar and Happy Days". So we can establish that he didn't actually do that. Did he slay something a bit like a dragon? Maybe some sort of big lizard or, I don't know, flesh hungry alligator? Probably not. In England the nearest thing we have to a dragonlike creature is basically a newt. And you wouldn't get canonised for slaying a newt. They are small and basically defenceless.

So, he didn't slay any kind of beast, did he, come on, how gullible do you think we are, this isn't the damn Alpha Course.

I did some research. As I have found Wikipedia somewhat unreliable in the past, rather than do that I just asked a man in a pub what St George actually did. If you see a man in a pub who is drinking real ale, the kind that looks like it has twigs and beetles in it, that's the guy to ask about these matters. If he has a beard as well, all the better, that guy is the oracle of wisdom on all manner of shit, from vintage motorcycles to, er, vintage motorcycles. And history! So, I asked one of these prophets of our time, who I shall just refer to as The Authority, what St George did.

The Authority told me. St George rid a village of pagans. By, you know, killing them. Now, primarily, that's not really a good thing, is it, killing people? Because of their beliefs? Or ethnicity? Is that not rather like, well, genocide? Patron saint of Germany people - that's all I'm saying... But above and beyond that, pagans are fucking hippies. How hard can it be to kill a bunch of hippies. What did he do, poison their fucking supply of arnica? Good for bruises - I'll say. He's bloody rubbish. So fuck him and get the Guinness down your neck on March 17th instead, even though it makes you fat and turns your shit black.