My story (just venting)

I've been fighting depression for as long as I can remember, I have chronic depression and GAD, last year I've had a multitude of health issues and the depression got a lot worse, I've started medication again (Effexor 150mg), it's pretty much the only drug that worked, I've tryed them all, but 6 months later I guess it's safe to say that it is not working this time, I'm tired of feeling like this, on top of my phisical health problems, that are chronic, there is major depression, I don't think I'll ever get out this time, this is scaring me. I feel trapped, like there is no way out, no hope, that is all downhill from here.

I have to be honest, I have been fantasising a lot about suicide this last few months, I never made an actual attempt, but a few months ago I was on the verge, I actually had to call the emergency services, because I did not trust me, it was was out of myself, I couldn't have a rational thouht, I just wanted the pain to end, no matter what, I could not cope, I never felt so hopless, I talked with a psychologist on the phone while I waited for the emergency services to arrive, spent the night at the hospital, was evalueted the next morning and went home. Thankfully I never reached that point since, but I fear it everyday, the lack of control over my own thoughts was frightening, that level of despair was something I just never felt before and do not wish to my worst enemy.

I've been through some tough times, when I was a kid, about 5 yo, the family bussiness went bankrupt, my mother entered severe depression, we lost all the money and things we had, we moved to my grandparents house, my fathers family had to flee the country because of debt, my father went to work abroad for a few years, since we lived in small town and most of the people from there were my family employees and were out of a job, I was "bullied" by pretty much everyone, people called me terrible names on the street, parents forbid their children from playing or even talking to me, and being an only child I felt completly isolated and alone, but I putted a brave face for my family, especially my mother because I knew she was suffering and I really wanted her to feel better again, but I broke inside, the world turned from a wonderfull place full of possibilities and adventure to a dark and terrible place, I was only 5 or 6 at the time, but already knew first hand how cruel the world and the people in it could be.

This lasted for several years, my father worked hard and we were able to recover a bit, I changed school, so I was able to make friends again, for a while, at least on the outside things seemed normal, but I never trully recovered I guess.

My self image was distorted, I've always felt different and inferior to others, I knew rationally that this was not the actual truth, but that did not made a big difference, even being top of my class I still felt like the dumbest kid in school, I felt that I could never achieve any kind of success or that I could ever be loved, I always felt ugly, stupid and a terrible person, this self loathing could have led to severe consequences in college, I hated myself so much that I threw myself into drugs, I just wanted to self destruct, I had to be constantly numb, when I was sober the pain was unreal, the guilt that I felt was overwhelming, around this time I met one of my best friends, a person that really changed me and that I owe my life, thank's to him I was able to put myself together somehow, until this day I still don't know how that happened, he really made me believe that not all humanity was terrible, that some people were just good, that friend died years later from cancer, the news hited me like a ton of bricks, it made me angry against the world, against God, against everyone and everything, it was hard, but I think it was just "normal" grief, I still imagine I talk to him sometimes.

I was able to finish college and find a good job about 1 week later, I felt that my effort was being compensated, I had great friends, my own place and financially things were good, but I still couldn't shake the dark cloud that hovered over my head, my job is stressfull and I don't deal well with it, so I was never really able to relax and enjoy life, constantly worrying about the future, I believe that was this constant stress that lead to my health issues.

The health issues slowly made the depression creep on me, when I realized it I was already way over my head, I had a few episodes of major depression before, but was able to get away from it, this time I don't know if I can, I do my best to eat well, exercise and sleep enough, although I need lorezapan to sleep, before the drug was prescribed I slept about 1 or 2 hours a day.

I just can't relax, I cannot feel joy or happiness, I cannot concentrate, I don't know how can I get through this, I worked hard to get were I am, I fear that I may lose it all, I feel guilty for being unhappy having so much in my life and offcourse this makes me feel worse, I have a great family, good friends, a great girfriend that is also my best friend, a good job, financial stability, sure I have a chronic health condition that brings me a few (well a lot) of limitations, but it's not life threatning, I should be able to shake this terrible feelings that I have.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to vent, my greatest fear at this time is that I return to the place I was when I had to call the emergency services, It was a surreal experience, like I wasn't in control of my actions, my soul was full of darkness, no way to escape.

Quite a story you have, and you are strong for being able to share it. I think it says something about your character, being able to stay brave and good-natured as a young child despite the negative behavior of others. I have a theory about hardship and those that struggle through it. People like you remind me of my mom, who also had a rocky childhood, yet made it through and did not allow their past to dictate their future. My theory is that if one has faced significant adversity and stood against it successfully, they should always consider themselves a survivor. You have been through a lot but you are STILL here. That, in my opinion, means something. Means a lot actually. So, about the place where your mind went, when you decided to call EMS. How do we not go their again? I have been to that place as well (might even say I am a frequent visitor). To try to keep myself out of that place i usually try to focus my mind on things i enjoy. There are very few things i still find merit in, but as long as there is at least ONE person, thing, place, subject, that can pull you out of that depth, hold it close and go to it when things seem bleak. I believe depression/suicidal thoughts are best likened to a pit. Once you are in it seems impossible to climb out. You may not even want to. BUT, if you resolve to climb out of that deep dark abyss, you will need to use whatever is near and dear to you to do so.

Even at your darkest moments, you did not give up on seeking help quickly to keep yourself in check. You are clearly aware you have put in a lot of effort to get to where you are and it sounds like you are somewhat determined not to let your fears destroy all that you have come to cherish dearly. I am hopeful you will find what it takes to overcome this for good. When there's no escape, the only way is to face it with all your soul. When all is dark, your determination and perseverance will be your guiding light.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you are being treated again now - stick with it please. I understand all too well the dark cloud that sucks all the joy from things you know should make you happy - and I understand the feat that come with it. Sometimes it takes a lot of drug switches to find one that works well for you - but once it does that cloud begins to lift and you can start to do things to improve you life.

Thank you all for your kind words, it's really good to be able to speak openly about this with people that understand what I've been through and have been through the same themselfs. You all gave me a little bit more of strenght, I will have a follow up with my therapist soon and I will try to stay optimistic till then.

I always had a hard time opening up to people, even therapists and the worse part is that I've developed great acting skills throught my life, so to the outside world I'm a "normal" person, professionaly I'm even considered to be really good under pressure, I may appear that way, but I'm panicking on the inside, as I grew older I realized that there was no shame in asking for help, so I started to open up a bit and I think this will be important for me in the future. I feel optimistic today and it's a good feeling I know it wont last long, but I have to enjoy it while it lasts.

@scary forest, I talked with 2 psychiatrists upon admission, I was a mess, I hadn't slept well in weeks, my heart rate was dangerously high, I couldn't stop shaking, couldn't sit still, so they said it was better if I stayed the night for observation, then they gave me something to sleep. In the mornig, after the first good night sleep in weeks I was feeling a bit better, I talked to other psychiatrist, I was honest as I could be, he said that he didn't think I was suicidal at that time, he prescribed me lorezapam, made me schedule an apointment with my regular psychiatrist and released me from the hospital, I went to my parents house that weekend to be "extra safe". I was never restrained or anything like that, but I've tryed to be as cooperative has possible.

Once again thank you, your words really made me feel better
I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language.

Woke up today feeling extremly anxious and sad, feeling like something terrible is about to happen, hate this feeling, there is no reason for it, why can't I control my emotions, why can't I reason with my brain, been trying hard, but just can't shake it, I have zero energy, even typing this is hard, afraid I'm going down the pit again. I'm tired of all the medication I need to take just in order to function, It's not working, but I can't stop it, Effexor withdrawal alone is hell add the benzos and it's even worse, been working with the doctor to tapper off, I was able to reduce the xanax from 2mg (1 in the morning + 1 at night) to 0,5 in the mornig, but still take 150mg of Effexor and lorezapam, according to the doctor I need to get off the benzos ASAP, but he believes that Effexor or other antidepressant may be needed for life. Hate the fact that my brain chemistry is so screwed up.