I love armpits! Quite simply, the armpits are the windows to the soul. Not the eyes; after all, what are eyes but two little globs of jelly curtained from above and below by fringes of wispy fringes called lashes. And the lashes are never compatible with the eyes themselves! And part of this is because the eyes themselves are so randomly coloured. And the colour charts from which the shades are chosen are so limited. Why, they don’t even embrace all the colours of the rainbow. Nor do they include such vibrant hybrids as magenta or mustard yellow or orange or Ferrari red. And forget about zebra stripes or leopard spots or flashing neon lights or polka dots or panthers peering from round the irises. Of course, some of these effects are possible with the aid of contact lenses; and in photographs one can always cheat and resort to computer imaging and photo-shop and even to cutting and pasting more interesting eyes into the slots formerly occupied by your own boring greyish blue jelly globs – in other words, the very eyes you have been trying to pass off as ‘baby blues’. But that is not the same, is it. And it doesn’t even work, for the minute someone sees you in the flesh they notice how boring your face actually looks. In fact, faced with the real non-existent colour of your eyes, they can’t even find your face in order to look into it. And so then and there you lose your evening’s entertainment.

Of course, it goes without saying that if you always wear the colours that supposedly enhance your eyes, at least they will notice the vividness of your shirt. But, on the other hand, such a technique does limit your choice of wardrobe. For example, my eyes are your basic, washed-out greyish blue. They are, in fact the original invisible eyes. If I am willing to wear certain darkish bright blue shirts – the ones I loathe because they make me feel as though I am trying to pass myself off as a banker – you can almost see that I really do have eyes. That is, if the light is right and I am drunk enough that my eyes are lined with red. And as for mascara and eye-liner, don’t kid yourself. The only time they work is if you’ve got amazing eyes to begin with. Otherwise you look like Bozo the Clown.

No one with eyes like mine could ever be a Latin lover or a Corsican bandit or a Sheikh or – for that matter – a movie heart-throb. Latin lovers, by definition, cannot be invisible. They must have flashing eyes. The same with Corsican bandits, and even more so with the sort of desert Sheikh played by Rudolf Valentino and Ramon Navarro – the truly smouldering sheikhs that used to kidnap the dainty blond heroines in the movies (before the coming of sound and colour sucked out the audiences’ souls and replaced them with 3-D glasses). The one thing all these heart-throbs of yesteryear had in common were eyes like flashing black diamonds, illuminated from within by the light of the moon. The second you stared into those limpid black pools of desire, you knew what was next on the menu. And it wasn’t called the blue plate special. It was called “Va Va Voom!” It was called the sort of sex that was better dreamed about than displayed on the screen. It was called, “Oh, fuck! I wish (pant pant pant) he would leap out of the screen on his white charger and take me right here on the cinema floor on top of the spilled popcorn and candy-wrappers!”

Never mind that – in the case of those smouldering Sheikhs – once they had kidnapped the fair damsel (usually a simpering blond with a palpitating heart such as Agnes Ayers) they took her back to live in their mother’s tent in the oasis – where she was doomed to spend the rest of her life beating the carpets and hanging out the wash and churning out babies every week and a half. But the movies never showed that side of things – and wouldn’t until the 1960s and Ken Loach and ‘Poor Cow’.

Needless to say, Rudolf Valentino and his ilk cut a wide berth around the likes of Theda Bara, for she was a temptress who would have eaten him for breakfast and taken him home to live in the brothel with her mother, where he would have had to do a great many other things besides scrubbing the floors. In fact, poor ol’ Rudolph did finally come a cropper with a certain Alla Nazimova. And the upshot was that he died. In other words, his eyes stopped flashing. And this only shows that you should never stray from the profile assigned you by the computer. And it also proves that once your eyes stop flashing, you might as well be the parking attendant. Whereas, if you’ve got pits to die for you can always climb out of your coffin and become an unspeakably pitiless vampire.

Let me just add this before we move on. Yes, Rudolf Valentino died. And he died when he was still gorgeous and still had a glimmer of flashing, smouldering eyes that burned like charcoals; however, if he hadn’t died in tragic circumstances and prematurely, no one would remember him. You see, flashing eyes can only take you so far! What they need to ensure immortality is a breath of scandal and a really great funeral with women in black hurling themselves on to the coffin. Otherwise, as soon as you’re buried you’re yesterday’s news and your family won’t be able to make any money from the sale of your relics. Just look at poor old Ramon ‘Who’s he’ Navarro. He was a sheikh with flashing eyes just a rung on the ladder below Valentino. But nobody remembers him. And the reason no one does is that he didn’t die a tragic death, did he? Well, actually he did, but by the time he was brutally murdered, he was just an old, washed-up has-been who’d used up all his money buying rent-boys. Needless to say, not a single woman swathed in black and festooned with jet even attended his funeral, much less swooned over his coffin. And do you know why? Because by the time he was dead, his flashing eyes were more like week-old dead slugs. And nobody even knew or cared whether he had any pits at all.

Believe me when I say that the woods are full of screen sirens and pop idols with flashing eyes who forgot to die when they should have. But as I said before, you’ve got to keep with the program! For eyes dry up, and once the light has gone out of them, they might just as well have had invisible and boring grey-blue eyes just like mine. And after a point, not even fluorescent contact lenses and spot lights will bring them to life again.

Now, there are some – not many – heart-throbs who are lumbered with invisible eyes. And sometimes they even have boring invisible pale skin and hair the colour of mouse turds. In fact, some of them are even cursed with colouring like mine. In other words, whole-body invisibility. Such people were invariably called ‘Minger’ in school – unless, of course, they were cursed with even the slightest hint of salmon pink in their hair (and especially when that hair was growing on a pair of exuberantly forested milk-white legs), in which case they were stuck with the ‘Ginger’ label. And sometimes if you had both things going for you at the same time you really did develop an issue with your parents; in other words, why didn’t they think to match their colour-charts before ‘doing it’? I almost fitted into that category, but then I shaved my leg-hair and it grew back a nice, flat mousey brown. Just think, I just missed out on rejoicing in that wonderful double-barrelled nickname of ‘Ginger-Minger’ (and no, it is not pronounced ‘jinjer-minjer’).

Yes, I admit there are a few career paths open to us mingers and ginger-mingers. I mean, there are certainly job openings galore if what you crave is an action-packed life as an insurance adjuster or an assistant manager in Walmart or even one of the valued associates at Disney World who lives inside a Mickey Mouse costume. But if you have your heart set on being a professional childminder or lollypop man, forget it. Everyone will look at you and know you are both a paedophile and a psychopathic killer. And very possibly a serial rapist, as well – because as everybody knows – ginger-mingers (unlike Latin lovers with flashing eyes) are always lacking in that certain ‘department’ located in their Y-fronts. Using the same logic, ginger-mingers are – it goes without saying – psychopaths. Or at least neurotic whiners who should be placed on the sex-offenders list on the day of their birth.

This is why every single mass-murderer and serial rapist you see in the movies has got those horrible, washed-out, invisible greyish-blue eyes. And the actors portraying them can never get any other type of role, which makes some of them so depressed that they go on to become paedophiles in real life.

But as I was about to say before I interrupted myself, there are certain invisibly pale and boring would-be heart-throbs (the original models for the stealth bomber) who manage to become heart-throbs in spite of the fact that nobody ever manages to see them. And do you know why? Because of their armpits. Because if they have great armpits, nobody ever looks at their boring and invisible eyes or at their washed-out complexions or at their lank and greasy ‘just-this-side-of-gingery’, dirty-looking hair.

As I said before, armpits are the windows to the soul. Gaze into a perfect armpit and you are sucked into a forest of delights. You become a child again, fantasizing about a secret garden outside your bedroom window. Armpits as they should be are the true objects of desire that have inspired every poet from Ovid to Byron to Keats and Brooke, and right down to the present day. And whenever in a sacred text, the Garden of Eden is mentioned, what they are describing is the most perfect, the most sublime and most glorious armpit ever created.

There are certain thespians that have based their entire careers on the beauty and the purity-of-line of their armpits. One example that springs to mind is an American film actor named Ethan Hawke. Now, as far as I know he is a quite a decent actor. And as far as I know he is even fairly attractive to look at. But what I do know is that the camera is in love with his armpits. At least that used to be the case. But, of course, he is older now, which means his armpits might not so alluring. And he might have even let them go to pot. If so, this is undoubtedly the reason we don’t see as many of his films as we used to. For in the olden days, when his armpits were in their prime and you simply wanted to bury yourself in their depths, there would come a moment in each and every one of his movies when he would be wearing a singlet or a similar garment. At the climax of this moment, the lights would focus on his torso, and Ethan Hawke would raise his arms and place his hands in back of his head. And his perfectly sculpted and contoured armpits would make your heart explode. Never before or since have there been armpit ‘moments’ to equal these. And I still dream about them. And as for his eyes, I do not have a clue what colour they were. For in every single film he made, it was all about his armpits.

One of the great recent armpit movies was ‘Benjamin Button’ starring Brad Pitt. I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but the way the filmmakers tracked the shifting ages of the protagonist was through the shifting character of his armpits. And that means, of course, through the shifting nature not only of the contours, but of his armpit hair. For as the character got younger, so his armpits became more beautiful – until you got to the point when he was a teenager, and the sheer loveliness of his fragrant gardens was almost heartbreaking. And if you don’t believe me, rent the move and see for yourself.

Now I admit I am neglecting women’s armpits (and God only knows there are more of those than there are stars in the sky – except in Muslim countries, where they don’t have any). And I admit they do have their attractions. Mostly razor-burns or white skid marks from using the wrong deodorants. And I will never deny having certain prejudices where armpits are concerned. However – and, yes, there is always a however – a perfect armpit is only perfect on a tight-knit body and for a certain number of years. For the most part – setting aside the inevitable beaches where all the wrong sorts of armpits are on display from both sexes – men, after a certain age – which means the age when their muscles start to turn to flab and their bodies are best seen after twilight and covered in a boiler suit – tend not to flaunt their armpits in public quite as much as they did when they had something that was worth flaunting. Unless, of course, we are talking about those members of the human race who sit on their barstools attired in cut offs and string vests, or about certain naturists who leave their vanity in the locker with their clothing; but if they are happy then so am I. And then there are those who have never been introduced to soap. In which case, they have coal pits. And as we all know, you venture into a coal pit at your own risk.

Men – with certain well-known exceptions – namely the aforementioned bar stool sitters and those who stopped developing after their high school football careers had ended – do have a certain over-wheening vanity when it comes to their bodies. And especially where their armpits are concerned (we will deal with stomachs at a later date).

Woman, on the hand, while they be as vain as men in many areas, have a blind spot when it comes to their armpits. It is as simple as that. They don’t seem to understand that a young, firm and succulent armpit can be displayed without shame. However, does that mean they should exhibit their nakedness and their razor-burns whenever they brush their hair back from their eyes? In fact, an armpit – which is after all, a sexual organ – should never be flaunted; it should be discovered. However, many women – from the moment they dress themselves in sleeveless tops – do nothing but flaunt their armpits. In fact, very often one sees much more of their armpits than ones does of their faces. How sad it is that they don’t stop pumping Botox into their phizogs, thus making them resemble weather balloons; after all, the only things they are displaying to the gathered assembly are a set of armpits that are – by then – well-past their sell-by date. And there is nothing Botox can do about them.

I won’t go so far as saying it’s a fetish, but if I had a choice between burying my face in a freshly sweating armpit (and notice I used a form of the word ‘fresh’) and a man’s groin (equally fresh, it goes without saying) I would opt for the armpit every time.

I admit that my behaviour can at times border on the embarrassing. For if I am with a man whose armpits are symphonies of delight, I simply cannot concentrate on anything he says. This was – alas – true of the last two horse-trainers I worked under. Both of them were in their mid-thirties, and both – it goes without saying – were extremely fit. Both had magnificently toned torsos… and both of them had the most outrageously succulent armpits I had seen in years. And, no, I never saw either of them shirtless; after all, we were occupied with other things – such as schooling jumpers. But when the weather was warm, both would wear short-sleeves shirts. And I almost could not contain myself. It was pure eroticism of the highest order. All I can say is it’s a good thing for me that it is armpits that mesmerise me. After all, if you are working with a straight man and insist on drooling at his crotch, he will eventually get slightly suspicious. But with armpits you are safe. You can stare at them for days and all your co-worker will think is that you are concentrating on what he is saying. And looking thoughtful. Of course, now that I’ve blown my cover by writing this, every man I know will go round with his arms strapped to his waist. Just to spite me.

What else can I say about armpits? Naturally, they should be clean. Yes, the armpit owner might want to use a small amount of anti-perspirent, but don’t glob it on. And don’t put it on before sex – unless, of course, the thought of my scrubbing your pits with a Brillo pad is what yanks your chain. And if you’ve got a rainforest denser that the entire Amazon delta you might want to check it now and then for borrowing rodents or for one of the lost tribes of Israel. And if you sweat profusely and have been working all day in the blistering heat, please don’t shove your pits into my face unless you want to get kneed. The smell of fresh sweat is one thing; the rancid stench of the abattoir is quite another.

And please, men and women and Walmart shoppers, remember the following politically incorrect statement: after anyone has gained a certain amount of weight (yes, that’s what I said), an armpit ceases to be an armpit and becomes something that might as well be two sweaty halves of a hamburger bun with crab-grass or poppy-seeds in the middle. Now, there is nothing wrong in this; we all have weight problems at some point in our lives. Just don’t persist in thinking that what was at one time an erogenous zone is still one of your main attractions. It is not. It’s like trying to pass off Gary Glitter as the star of ‘Glitter’. And for God’s sake, if you have put on a few tonnes and you do lose your pits, don’t go on pretending you still have them. You won’t fool anyone. And while I may still stare at them, it won’t be from lust, but because I will be trying to figure out if a pit actually existed there at one time, or if you were simply born with a lump of bread dough proofing under each arm.

Ah! Pits, glorious pits, pits of the evening, beautiful pits. Pits are like the sweetest, rarest fragrance. Know the power of your pits! Even if they are as clean and as pristine as a midsummer’s morn, don’t just go shoving them into a person’s face – not even a person like me, who loves a good pit to distraction. A pit that is sublime must be approached like an exotic perfume or a very, very fine wine. Or an exquisite bouillabaisse on which you are planning to dine.

Remember, with a pit that is perfect and with a person like you that knows what to do with a perfect pit, it is not a quick bump or grind or a “howdy do, ma’am, I hope you don’t mind” but a veritable feast of the senses. So give each pit an hour, or perhaps even two, and you’ll break down all their owner’s defences.

I’m not exactly an old hand when it comes to online dating. In fact, I’m not exactly an old hand when it comes to off-line dating. Come to think of it, even though I have never tried them, I might suggest that I would make less of a mess on inline skates than I have on the dating scene. In other words, I am potentially armed and dangerous, and ready for a rumble.

My past experience in online dating (and yes, there was only one) proved to me – yet again – that I am willing to believe anyone, and that I would fall in love with a garbage truck if it whispered to me often enough it was really a Morgan roadster in disguise. So yes, I fell, if not in love, then into a state of near-fatal curiosity; it also cost me a fair amount of money and a lot of wasted time. Fortunately there were no broken hearts, at least not on my side, for if truth be told even before I had flown halfway round the world I was already hearing the alarm bells clanging in my head. And needless to say, less than half a minute after I met her, I was already re-examining my options (and yes, that entire cautionary tale shall get an airing). Fortunately for me – and, yes, it was a ‘fortunately’ – within two days she was rude to a waitress, thus giving me an out. For in spite of all my failings, if there in one thing I will not tolerate it is rudeness towards a server or a salesperson. That being so, I simply stood up, went over to the waitress, paid her, apologised to her, and left, thus severing in the bud a non-relationship that would have been a disaster had it blossomed.

Now, the fact that I rushed into this little contretemps was my fault. No-one had pointed a gun at my head, and in spite of the fact that the hairs on the back of my neck were not only tingling, but shrieking, I still went ahead with it, saying merrily, “Well, at least it’s another country I’ll get to know!”

That episode aside, I have always been sceptical when it comes to dating services. Especially one accessed over a computer, because even if you are serious about your quest and you write an extremely detailed and lengthy profile – a profile that should leave no doubt in the mind of even the mouldiest cabbage what and who you are looking for, it always appears as though the computer has not only not looked at what you have written, but that whatever is written is is not specific enough; therefore the computer will simply ignore it; and usually being an American computer, it will decide it knows better than you do what it is you want. Then, of course, one must take into account the inevitable fact that the individuals who are surfing through the site never bother to read any of the details which you have so carefully and lovingly provided. But I am learning. Perhaps more slowly than most, but I am on the way. In other words, I am now leaving absolutely nothing to chance. And I’m also having a lot of fun.

First of all, let me say that I did check out my current dating site beforehand. The first piece of good news is that it is free. And by that I mean exactly what I say. In other words, it is not one of those ‘free’ sites that professes to free, until, of course, the minute you institute a search, at which point it informs you that – oops! – it is unable proceed to the next step until you upgrade to their premium service. As far as I am concerned, either it’s free or it’s not, and if it’s not free, it should say so on the box instead of wasting my time.

I have been so excited (it does not take much to please me) that I almost forgot to say that this site actually vets the photographs. So if you are looking for a man, you are not suddenly inundated by a lot of images gleaned from the Bel Ami gay porn site. Not that I have anything against these images, but since I already know what most of their models look like (I am very thorough when it comes to research) I tend to be turned off when some forty-eight-year old bricklayer from Barnstable claims to be the owner of that very lovely and perfectly-form Croatian penis. For you immediately suspect that he might have something to hide, such as the fact that he weighs two hundred stone, is covered with fur, and lives with his mother and two-hundred budgerigars. In a caravan. In a halting site. Just next to the nuclear power plant.

In my humble opinion, looking for a possible long-term relationship is not like looking for a bit on the side. That being the case, any man who feels obliged to display his wears to attract someone’s attention, is probably not in it for the long haul. After all, during a long haul you do have plenty of time to study the scenery. And in any case, since this is not a gay dating service specifically targeting the meat-locker trade, but rather caters to everyone, it’s actually refreshing to see someone’s face and discover that they actually do live somewhere and have a life. However, if you are not interested in that, but rather in salivating over a wall-to-wall exhibition of rampant photo-shopped penises, here is the URL: http//: www. rampantphotoshoppedpenises.com.

So anyway, what I am leading up to is this (and no, I am not an employee of the site in question and have nothing to gain from saying anything nice about it, except perhaps they will stop sending me notes begging me to “Please find someone and leave us alone!”): it is not a porn dating site. And if it is, its hidden agenda is squirreled away so craftily in one of their five hundred plus tests, that I have been unable to unearth it.

No, seriously. It is not a porn site, and this to me is refreshing, simply because most of them are. I know it’s probably a case of supply and demand (or at least ‘presumed’ supply and demand). However, just as I don’t think most women are pining for men who ask the size of their breasts the first time out, any bloke who asks the size of my willy in his first message, before we have even introduced ourselves, may not get the response he is expecting (unless of course, he offers me a month’s holiday on his yacht and promises ‘cross my heart’ not to slit my throat the minute we enter International waters). But back to this pesky ‘tell us about your willy’ question. Now, to be perfectly blunt, the reason I do not like this type of question is not because my willy has anything to be ashamed of. After all, he is what he is and he is in his original wrapper and, all in all, he is rather a cunning little devil. He has never had one of those ‘operations’ on his nether region or had his head chewed off or had one of those interesting and exotic infections or viruses named after Greek gods. Nor does he have any bad habits that are any worse than those of other models, either foreign or domestic. And he has never, ever been subject to a recall. In other words, his warranty – by some miracle – is still good. But the thing is, a willy does come attached to a body and with a body comes a face and with a face comes a personality, and sometimes – though not always – a personality comes with a brain. Then – if you are really lucky – there will be a sense of humour lurking somewhere in the shadows. And perhaps even a heart. Yes, yes, yes, there is always baggage (for none of us has lived in a vacuum), as well as a few of those tricky character flaws. And then, of course, there is always the inevitable cultural nonsense to deal with. Yada yada yada.

Now lest you think I am going all politically correct when it comes to body shape and size and physical attributes, I am not. For every one of us has a certain something that makes us tingle. And there’s no point in someone trying to convince you that ‘in time you’ll come to love them’, because it’ll never happen. And puleeeese don’t even think about bringing up the issue of discrimination, because as far as I know, a relationship is not a job offer. Unless, of course, it is; but in that case I suggest you ring up your local MP in the middle of the night and ask him. Or her.

But, to continue with this bothersome business of physical ecstasies and vomits, what happens if all the right boxes are ticked, but other person – no matter how fastidious he or she may been – has the wrong smell. Or the wrong body shape. Or tastes like Chicken Tikki Masala when all you like is deep-fried bacon and sausage pizza? It’s called a physical reality. So, yes, one has got to be straightforward and upfront – and, yes, if certain physical dimensions are important to you, you have to address them – and right away – otherwise you are a time-waster. However, please remember it’s not a porn site. There are plenty of those available, many of which no longer come with computer worms or Trojan horses. Not even when the models on the sites actually wear Trojans themselves.

So, what do I want? How do I know who I will eventually fall for? I may like to say that I do not want a man young enough to be my grandson; in other words, a lover and companion who, while he may be physically an adult, is still – emotionally-speaking – an adolescent. Do I really want to be his father? That being said (and I have been there and done that and when it ended it had nothing to do with the disparity in age), chemistry is a wonderful, miraculous thing. We have to give it free-reign and let it play. For if the right person comes along – and I mean the right person – maybe it’s worth taking a chance. I certainly will. Now, I know how old I am. I am 62. I do not deny it. And not only that, but I do not wish to be any younger. For I have earned every single second of every minute of every hour of every day of my life. And when I look at people twenty years younger – at that truly awful transitional age of 40 – I am so glad I am not there. I am so thankful I do not have all that shite that forty-year-olds have to struggle through. It is a morass, a swamp, a nightmare. It is the age when you are still hanging on to your ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’ and to all your illusions. It is an age when you are still deluded enough to think that you can pass for 20 or 25 or 29 (if only you spend enough time in the gym or pumping Botox under your skin or adding hair extensions or attending the right support groups or changing all the light bulbs in your office and house to a flattering pinky-peach colour). I was a living nightmare at that age. And almost all of the forty-year-olds I encounter force me to remember what a miserable plank I was. The memories make me cringe, but it is a grand thing – both for me and for the world at large – that there are a great many exceptions to the rule. And I can say this freely, because most of my friends happen to be – quite coincidentally – that exact age.

So, what is it I really want? Initially, on one particular question in the site’s ‘personal details’ section, I had hedged. In other words I had left too many options. Where it asked what I was I looking for, I did not narrow the field down sufficiently. After all, I do like women and if the right woman came along, I would say ‘yes’, and having said ‘yes’, I would be faithful to that decision. So, with that in mind, that was the only question in my ‘details’ in which I did not specify a man. But I thought I was covered, for when it came to my profile, I was very straightforward. Although I am bisexual, I want to live with a man. However, because I had fudged that one particular question, the computer inevitably zeroed in on that to the exclusion of all else. Consequently, I only got replies from single mothers looking for someone who would give them a little love. In other words, a home. And many of these women were desperate – at least, going by what they wrote in their profiles and in their notes. And I am sorry, because I know (at least theoretically) how tough things must be for them. However, to be perfectly candid, in no place in my profile did I ever mention women (except in that one fudge), and I always specified ‘no children.’

After a couple of weeks went by and I received nothing but solicitations from these single mothers (none of whom had anything in common with me; otherwise I wouldn’t have worried about it), I suddenly remembered that one single question that I had fudged. So what I did was to un-tick that one box where I was asked if I was bisexual. And since then, every single suggestion and solicitation has been – if not spot on – at least intriguing. Problem solved.

To get back to age. Now, no man of 62 – providing he is reasonable fit and in good health – feels his age. And even when he looks in the bathroom mirror to shave, he doesn’t look 62. But, as we all should know – but choose to ignore – bathroom mirrors are liars. But even if we try to ignore our age; those younger than us certainly do not. Nor, when all is said and done do we really look any younger. I well remember the day – a couple of years ago – when I was in Ireland and happened to run into a good friend who was just a few years older than I. Now, she was a very good-looking woman and certainly did not look her age. However, while we were walking down the street together, we had what you might call a reality check. What happened was this. In a shop window there was a very large mirror, and it was angled in such a way as to reflect passers-by. And so, there we were, happily chatting and thinking about stopping somewhere for a cup of tea, when – simultaneously – we were confronted by these two broken-down-looking old people who were dressed in clothing just like ours. And we even commented on it, and agreed that the two of them should probably wear something more subdued. Needless to say, the two broken-down-looking old people were the two of us. I really think it was one of the most unpleasant moments in my life. Now, to be frank, the one or people who’ve known me since the days of the Neanderthals have been rather outspoken about my appearance. “God, you’ve gotten old,” being the worst example. Granted, at the time, I had just been crushed by a falling horse and was looking for all the world like a wrecked car, but still honesty is honesty, no matter what the excuse.

Therefore, when someone specifies they are looking for someone, say 35 to 55, I am very cautious. I only reply if everything else looks like a ‘possible’ – but I start off by telling them my age. Because – as I have already said – we give our preferences for a reason. And, although it is hard when you get older to realise you are getting older, you’re not going to find anyone if you are not honest. And, in any case, you are not going to pull the wool over their eyes. And to get back to a possible scenario wherein I am approached by a twenty-one year old, I would ask one question of him. “Yes, now it might be OK now, but how about in ten years’ time, when you will only be thirty-one, but I shall be seventy-two?” And if he says, “I know, and I still want you,” then I would have to give it serious thought. It goes without saying that it hasn’t happened, and I am not deluded enough to think it might. And, quite frankly, although it was no doubt lurking in the back of my mind – in the place where all our fantasies fester – I really hadn’t given it any conscious consideration. Yes, I am in good health, yes, I do look at a young person and admire his or her beauty. But that’s life. And don’t forget, in twenty years, a twenty year old will be a forty year old, whereas I will be an eighty year old. And believe you me, when I am an eighty year old, the last thing I shall want to deal with will be a forty year old.

As you are no doubt aware, I have not mentioned the likelihood of a relationship with someone much older than I. There is a reason I have not addressed this probability, and it’s called panic. And it deserves – and shall get – a whole chapter of its own. When I can steel myself for it. And stop wanting to run out of the room screaming. But let’s put it this way: it has everything to do with the fact that so many older men seem to fall to bits. And I am not sure I am ready to nurse another person through a lingering decline and death. At least not yet.

So ANYWAY, what is it I want? I mean, what do I really, really want? Even setting aside all the sundry interests and activities I have mentioned in my profile, what would make my life wonderful? Make my heart sing? Yes, it’s all very well for me to mention National Hunt racing and sheepdog trials, and Crofting and rare-breed pigs and sheep. And, yes, it’s important that I talk about my love of words, and comedy and Improv and storytelling. But underneath all these things – and yes, they are just ‘things’ – what am I and what do I need? Let me tell you.

I am a puppy. And all I want is what every puppy wants. A warm place to sleep, room to frolic, enough food to keep my belly full. And someone who loves me. And who I can love in return. Enough said?