Archive for 2008

If you look at the ticker over on the right you will see that it has been exactly 4 years since josh and I started TTC. It was a long and hard 4 years but it was worth every moment and worth every tear. I am stronger, my marriage is better and my dream has come true. To those of you still on the journey I tell you to not give up. Fight the hard fight, it will be so worth it when you get to the end.

I can't believe my boy is already two weeks old. Where does the time go? We are doing well. Still figuring each other out. He is such a good baby. Only a littly fussy at night. He sleeps great which is a blessing from God!!! It still feels a little surreal to me that this is my life now. I could just sit here and stare at him all day long. He is pretty freaking adorable!!!

Here are some pics for your enjoyment.

He was not a happy little guy on Thanksgiving. This is the best pic we could get.

Here are a few from his first bath.

And this is my absolute favorite. He is so cute in this pic. This was after his bath and he found his thumb!!

He is asleep for the moment so I'm gonna try to give you some details.

They broke my water at 9 and had the pitocin started by 9:30. It didn't take long for the contractions to get strong and hard and close together. At 11:30 the nurse checked me and I was a 5-6. Shortly after this I asked for some demerol. She had to call the dr and get the ok. It felt like that took forever. I got the demerol around 12:10. About 15 minutes later I was feeling the need to push. Another nurse checked and said I was complete and they called the dr. While we were waiting for the dr the whole room would yell at me everytime I tried to push. Dr. got there and I pushed for 30 minutes and Kai entered the world at 12:59 pm.

He weighed 9lbs 6oz and was 20.5" long.

He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I can't believe that he is mine and I get to keep him. I feel like I have to pinch myself all the time to make sure this isn't a dream.

It was a long and hard road to get here, but it was so worth it. He truly is a miracle. And we are truly blessed to be his parents.

Well it looks like Kai's birthday will be 11/17. Unless he decides to come on his own before that. On monday I will be 10 days overdue and we are gonna induce.

I really wanted to avoid an induction, but it would have to happen on thursday, but Monday works out better. My mom will be coming into town on Sunday afternoon. I am praying that he will come on his own late sunday or early monday.

Still no baby. I told Josh it was my fault for being such a good mom. I have made him waaaay to comfy in there. I'm sure it is a rookie mistake!!

I have a NST today. They will do a sono and I will get to see my baby again. Of course I would rather see him in person, but this is the next best thing. I am really hoping she will not say he is getting too big. I do have a feeling he is gonna be really long though. I guess I will find out today.

Nothing else going on really. Oh wait ya today is my birthday. The big 3 0. Luckily i haven't really had time to think about how old I am and that it is just down hill from here!!!

Not much to update. Dialated to a 3 and 90% effaced. Just waiting for him to decide for him to make his entrance. He is not due for another 4 days so we are just waiting. My dr will let me go 2 wks overdue but I am praying that won't be the case. I am against inducing but he better come out soon or I might be considering it!!

I see the dr again on wed. I will update if there is anything exciting going on!!

But until then enjoy some of belly pics that my very talented friend Beth did...

Today 10/12 is a due date anniversary for me. I also had one on 9/18 and will have another on 11/23. Today I remember my October baby. The one that was with me the shortest amount of time. The wounds are not as raw as they have been in the past. I am sure that is due to time and the anticipation of Kai's arrival. But they are still precious dates to me.

If you know a woman who has lost a baby, no matter how long ago it was, love on her this month. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We remember our babies everyday of every month, but it is still nice to have a specific month to share those memories with everyone else.

Wednesday 10/15 is PAIL awarness day. I will be wearing my blue and pink ribbon. And then at 7:00 pm I will be lighting 5 little candles and letting them burn for at least an hour. Please join me in lighting candles for your babies or the babies of your friends and family. There will be a wave of light around the world.

I don't know if any of you noticed but my last post was written around 4 am. This is being written at 4:24 am. So it seems when I get up for my 3 o'clock pee I have trouble going back to sleep.

Funny story... In my last post when I wrote that my friend Beth was a great photog it was because I honestly couldn't remember how to spell the word photographer. And I have heard people in the business use the word photog so I thought why not!!!!! So between pregnancy brain and it being four in the morning my mind is pretty shot.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the conundrum of being a pregnant infertile. I know that there are people who do not read my blog because I am pg and people who will not read anymore after the baby comes. And to some extent I really do understand the problem. I always loved reading pg and baby blogs because it gave me hope that it could still happen for me. The problem I am having is that I don't want the birth of my son to negate the 3 years of pain and heartache I went through. Those years were real and heartwrenching and one reason I survived them was to help other women through the same experiences. I guess what I am saying is that I am having a hard time commenting on blogs of women who still are not pg. I am afraid they will come here and see I am pg and say "oh she is pg she doesn't know what I'm going through", but that is so not true. I guess it is just a little odd to me that we are all working towards the same goal, pregnancy, but when we finally get there it is hard to support the ones still struggling.

I know that some women who have had babies have changed their blog and moved past their infertility and that is great. But for me infetility is such a huge part of who I am today. And in all honesty because of the PCOS I have no idea how easy or hard it will be to conceive my second child.

Ok moving on...

I'm going to take this time to tell you all how wonderful my husband is. He has always been a great husband but especially since the death scare in April he has been overly cautious of me. It's funny everytime I don't feel well he will ask, "are you dizzy, are you having abdominal pain". Thankfully I have no idea what it is like to see my spouse in so much pain and agony and then be wheeled of to the OR for surgery not knowing how it will all turn out. But unfortunately he does. Since this whole ttc thing I have had surgery 4 times and 3 of those were in the same year. I know that all of those were hard on him. Even though 3 of the surgeries I was never cut open they still put me under and you never know what can happen.

I am so thankful for him there are not even words to express it. He takes great care of me and doesn't let me overdo anything. I get to sit and watch him work. I can't wait until his son arrives and he sees how natural a father he really is. In his prayer last night he admitted he had no idea what how to be a parent. But I know that it is there inside him just waiting to come out. He is going to be a great daddy and I am so anxious for the day when Kai comes and Josh can see how natural it will come.

So much has been going on lately it seems I barely have time to breath anymore. But it is all good. Getting ready for a baby is work, but it is the best kind. Here is a recap of the last month or so.

In late August I had a shower in Amarillo and it was great. I got to see a lot of ladies I hadn't seen in a while. The hostesses did a wonderful job and I got lots of goodies.

While we were in Amarillo we bought out crib and changing table and hauled it all the way back down here. It was kind of an impulse buy but we had been looking for months with no luck so I was glad it was done. The room is all painted and the furniture is put together. Now I am just organizing everything and washing clothes and diapers. Once I get some pics taken I promise to share.

This past weekend I had my shower here. It was so much fun. Also, saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. It was pooh themed and they did a great job. The cake was a honeypot with adorable little bees on it, oh and it tasted great too.

We had our infant massage class last night. It was very interesting and I think it is something Josh and I are going to enjoy doing. They talked about how it is a good way for baby and daddy to bond since they don't always get the closeness like mommy and baby when breastfeeding. We have our breastfeeding class on Saturday and then we are having dinner at the Reatta which is my all time favorite restaurant.

Next Saturday Beth is doing our pregnancy pics and I am really looking forward to it. She is a great photog and I think it is going to be so much fun. I will post those pics too when I get them.

Turkey is doing great. At my dr's appts everything is good. He is still breech and we are trying to convince him to turn but he seems too comfy. My dr says at 36 wks I can go back to the specialist for a "version" which I have heard is not fun at all. But I'm willing to do it if it means the possibility of not having a c-section.

In other news a lot has been going on. My mom was let go from her job when they did away with her position, but since she is so talented she was able to find another quickly. My bil and sil's dog got hit by a car and passed away. It has been very hard for both of them. He was part of the family and now he is gone. My MIL just had surgery for breast cancer and will be in the hospital for a few more days. And my FIL will be having a heart cath in the next few weeks. So besides all the baby stuff we have been busy keeping up with family and praying a lot.

I'm hoping things will slow down soon and I will have time to play catch up on blogging and commenting before he arrives. I have so many blogs rolling around in my head that I need to get on paper. If you are still reading, thanks so much for all the love and support.

Things are going well with Turkey. We are praying he decides to turn in the next 10wks or so. We are leaving friday for our shower in Amarillo. I am so excited. I have cheated and looked at the registry a couple times. What I am hoping though is that people are waiting until the last minute to buy things, otherwise there may only 6 people there!!! The car seat showed up on our front porch the other day. That was super exciting. Thank you Uncle Jerry and Aunt Becky!!!!

We have completely destroyed our house. Josh has taken everything out of the spare room and the office and it is now in the livingroom and hall and diningroom!! We are working on trying to fit the office and spare room all into one room and I'm not sure it is going to work. I think we either need a new desk, or a futon couch bed thingy. We (well actually Josh) is working diligently to get things done, I'm not much help these days. I am thinking we can have it all done by the middle of September. To be honest though the whole thing is stressing me out a little. The realization that Kai could really come at any moment and we would not be even close to prepared is starting to take a toll on my nerves.

Another thing taking a toll on my nerves is my job. I have been pg since February and the whole process takes about 9 months, so my employer has known that they need to hire my replacement. When I talked to my office manager I told her I wanted someone here by August. That would give them a good 3 months to learn everything. Well August is basically over and no new girl. The dr talked to me today and said he hired someone but they wouldn't start until Oct. WTH...seriously. One month to train. He said she has experience so it should be ok. Whatever, she has OB/GYN experience and we are an ENT who does alternative medicine. A whole new ball game. So I told him I would really appreciate it if she could start sooner. But at this point what does it really matter. She still couldn't be here until the middle of sept if she gives her job any kind of notice. I am trying to not stress too much about it. but it makes me so freaking mad that they wait until the last minute to do anything. And that it is my nurse who is going to get screwed in the end. The new girl will not know anything and all of that extra work will fall on the nurse who is already overworked. It just really sucks that they don't ever look at how their actions affect everyone else in the office.

We spent the weekend in Houston. Well actually Spring, which I hear is much prettier than Houston. We were visiting friends who moved down there recently. We had a great time. It was very relaxing because they wouldn't let me do anything. We ate great food and spent lots of time in the pool. It was a very nice weekend.

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We had our 3D sono today. The dr said it was going to be 4D but the button on the machine said 3D. I was actually diappointed in the pictures and the fact we had to pay full price. We got a couple good pictures. But most weren't great. For some reason there are lines on his face. And of course it doesn't compare at all to the picture haning on the wall in the drs office. I guess I should have said something while I was there, but I didn't so I'll just have to get over it.

I do have to say that my boy is so freaking adorable!!! He has cute little chubby cheeks. I can't wait to see him in purpose and see all his cute parts. I'm also excited to see if he has hair and if so what color it is. Oh and that stinky boy is breech. So we are praying he decided to turn.

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Here is a belly pic for you all to enjoy. I didn't think I looked pregnant until a couple weeks ago. He just kinda popped out. So here is me at 28wks.

And yes that is a pink sink and pink tile. This is my authentic 1958 bathroom. The tub and toilet are also pink!!!

Let me first say that I seriously love being pregnant. Of course there are things about pregnancy that I don't really like. But the good out weighs the bad everytime.

The one thing I don't like about being pg is how freaking paranoid I am. There are moments where I am blissfully happy. Moments where I think about giving birth and bringing this little Turkey home.

But there are also moments when my mind goes the other way. This morning was one of those. I have gotten used to Kai kicking me when I wake up and roll over or use the bathroom. But this morning he didn't. I felt no movement. I'm sure a person without my history and knowledge wouldn't think twice. But it sends me into a tailspin of emotion and it is crazy how quickly my brain can go places I don't want it to go. So I lay there praying to God that all is well and that he will kick as the knot in my stomach grows and grows. I finally wake Josh up, slightly embarrassed by my paranoria, to break out the doppler. He is very understanding and of course we find that beautiful heartbeat right away.

This is just another way that I have been robbed of the blissful pregnancy. I have gone through too much. I am too informed and I know exactly what can go wrong. There are no guarantees at the end of this road and that terrifies me.

27wks today!!! Woo freaking hoo!! I am just in awe that we have come this far. And we could be meeting our little boy in +/- 13wks. It is just so surreal.***We have picked the colors for the nursery and have the paint we just need to finish cleaning and put up the paneling and chair rail. I'm trying to not get too anxious about the whole process, but im not very successful! I would really like to get it done before the first shower, but I'm not holding my breath.***I passed my glucose test!!! Praise God. I was really worried because of the PCOS. But all is well. I am very anemic and need to take iron. I was anemic after the surgery and I guess I stopped taking the iron too soon. That might explain one reason why I am exhausted all the time. I'm sure the other reason is because I have this parasite sucking all the energy out of me! :) But I do love my little parasite!***I am still waiting for my job to hire my replacement so I will have time to train someone. I know that the nurses will be the ones to suffer if the new girl doesn't get enough training. And it looks like I will get to be training a new skin tester at the same time. So much fun. I love how they wait until the last minute to do everything.***We have started our birthing class. Well actually it is an at home course. We are doing Hypnobabies. My goal is for NCB. And I know a few women who have used this with much success. My dr said she will let me go 2wks past my due date before inducing which is great. I have seen too many inductions turn into c-sections and I want to avoid that if at all possible. I actually think he may come early. The dr said I was measuring 2 wks early. And he has always been ahead at all of the sonograms.***We scheduled our 4-D sono for 8/18. I am so excited to see his little face. ***In none pregnancy news. Did you know that the DFW metroplex kicked butt last night on reality TV? On Last Com.ic Stand.ing Eliza won and she is from here and on So You Thi.nk You Can Dan.ce Joshua won. Josh and I have been watching both shows and of course they were on at the same time so we had to flip back and forth. I was very excited that Joshua won. Even though I really wanted Courtney to win, Joshua is a great dancer and has a long career ahead of him.

Today is the last triple digit day. My little floaty baby thing says 100 days left. So double digits from here until we get to single. Oh what a great day that will be!!!

Not much going on. Showers are being planned. One over labor day weekend and one in Sept. We are working on the nursery. Still trying to get it cleaned. Hopefully we can start painting soon.

Pregnancy brain is getting really bad. I am not pronouncing words correctly. I am laughing at really stupid unfunny things (i.e. Wipeout, the new show on ABC). And I am saying stupid things. This kid is sucking all the smart out of me and leaving me a blubbering idiot!!

Really that's all going on. Life over here is pretty normal and quiet these days, which I appreciate very much.

It's funny to me how peoples perspective changes when going through different times of life. I have read many blogs where an IFer has gone on to have a baby and said that their struggle was all worth it. I believed this in my own life. I mean I had to believe that this would be the case or there was no reason to continue the rollercoaster. But it was hard to fathom ever being on the other side.

But as I type this the 3 years I spent struggling with IF seems like a lifetime ago. Even though this baby is not here safe and sound yet, the hope and dreams I have for him and the hopes and dreams he is filling have overshadowed all of that pain and suffering. It's amazing to me really how different life can be in a few short months. I remember being so hopeless less than 7 months ago.

25wks today and still amazed at how far we have come. Only 15wks to go. It's so funny how these last 15 wks feel like such a short time because there is so much to do. But those first 13 wks felt like a life time. Another change in perspective I guess.

First off here is an adorable picture of my chippy dog. Isn't he the cutest thing ever??

This is a picture of my hibiscus. It's so pretty. It has about 6-8 blooms on it everyday.

Here is the pumpkin vine that is growing in my backyard. FYI if you let a pumpkin rot in your yard it will start to grow!! We have already gotten one pumpkin off of the vine.

Hey look what chippy found!!

He was barking at the house so I went out to see what was going on. As I turned around I saw it on the light right by the door. Of course I freaked out and ran in the house hoping it wouldn't jump on me. I made Josh take the picture. So it looks as though we have rats somewhere. Thankfully they are not in the house. I guess it's time to call the exterminator!!

Many people have asked what a Hooter Hider is. So I shall explain. It is a breastfeeding coverup. There are many out there, but this is the brand I picked. I like it because it has a metal piece at the top that makes it open up so mommy can look down and see the baby but no on else can. Here is their website. And here is a pic.

I was all prepared last night to download the vacation pictures and to blog about how great a time we had. But it didn't happen. Apparently there is not a standard USB size. So I didn't have the right cord and Josh wasn't home to help. So continue to wait with anticipation!!

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WE REGISTERED!! We had a lot of fun although I did get tired towards the end. We went to Bab.ies R U.s. We decided not to do Tar.get because of their stupid return policy. BRU has everything we need anyways. There are a 125 items and it is 12 pages long. It seems quite excessive to need so much stuff for something that weighs less than 10 pounds! If you know me IRL and you want to look at it please do and let me know if I forgot anything or should change anything.

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Baby Kai is kicking up a storm, which makes mommy very happy. I like it that the kicks are getting more consistent. It helps me to worry less. I am so looking forward to the day when Josh can feel them.

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I bought a Hooter Hider!! Is that not the funniest name? They have so many cute patterns but I wanted one that was kinda understated. No need to draw any more attention is my theory. I was going to get a basic black or maybe cream color. But I found one I really loved so I got it. This is the fabric.

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I am having lunch tomorrow with Amber. We met at a MEND meeting and have emailed and commented on each other's blogs. But we are finally going to have lunch and chit chat. I am looking forward to it.

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I will end on a sad note today. Most of you know we are from Amarillo. We still have many friends that live there. Last night I was talking to my friend Megan and she told me of some terrible news. The vice principle of Amarillo High (which is were dougie went to high school) drowned over the weekend. He leaves his wife, who is 8wks pregnant, and two other children. He was only 30 years old and a great guy. Here is the story. If you think about it would you please pray for his family. Especially his wife. I cannot even fathom the pain and heartache she is experiencing right now. Also, pray for the new baby, that all will continue to go well.

Sorry I haven't posted. I have been on vacation. I will post more about that later with some pics!!

But for now I will share with you the name Josh and I have picked for our first son!!!

His first name will officially be Malachi, but we will call him Kai. I love the name Kai, but Josh wanted something we could shorten and that had more meaning so we agreed on Malachi.

The middle name will be Ellington. This is my real dads last name. This is a tribute to him since he is the one who gave us the money to do this cycle. I truly believe that Kai would not be coming in november if it weren't for him. We knew that IUI with injectibles was the next step and there was no way we could have afforded it on our own.

I have not told my dad the name yet. We want to do it in person and we haven't had a chance to get together.

So there you have it. Malachi Ellington will be making his debut in +/- 17wks!!!

I know that I linked his blog in that last post. But I am suffering from a severe case of pregnancy brain. Poor josh didn't get a fathers day present because I forgot what I wanted to get him and where I saw it. It's really bad people.

Anywho, It is linked now in the post under this one. And it is on my side bar as "Now for something completely different". Enjoy reading.

And to answer Kathy's questions: we are going to continue calling the baby "Turkey" until we are positive about a name. At that time we may announce it or I might make you wait until he arrives!!!

Also, Kathy I can't believe you are not finding out. You are so much stronger than I am. But what a great surprise it is gonna be!! I guess I can be patient and wait until November!

It looks as though the hubby may finally start blogging. He started the blog in November and hasn't written anything since. But he wrote a fathers day post yesterday!!! So if you want to see his side of our story go read Josh's blog.

Woohoo, we are having a son. Josh and I are extremely excited. All of his parts are great, heart, kidney, brain. He was just perfect. I didn't really get any good pics but we did get a video. So I will see if there is anyway to pics up here. That's all for now. I gotta go get some boy stuff. My house is filled with girl stuff. And my little tough guy can't be wearing pink!!!!

Ok, about the belly pic. I keep telling people that the fat to baby ratio needs to change significantly before this belly looks like a baby belly!!!!! As soon as I think that has happened I will be posting pictures. :)

Today is 18wks. It is so hard for me to believe that I am almost halfway. I cannot wait for the appt next week for a little peace of mind. Four weeks between u/s is way too long. Josh and I have been using the doppler and we are able to find the hb right away which is comforting.

I feel really good. I have energy and a desire to do things again! I'm usually not sick as long as I eat often. I have a morning routine that has seemed to keep the tummy happy. I am still not able to brush all of my teeth. When I try I usually lose my breakfast. But one day a week I have to brush, I don't want them all to fall out. On the other days I brush the front and then do some listerine.

I am wearing maternity clothes because the ladies up top have gotten a bit larger!! And the two pair of pants I did have that weren't scrubs are also a little tight. But my scrubs still fit fine. Officially I have gained 11 pounds. But I lost 8 pounds after the surgery, so I am saying I have only gained 3 which is good. I am trying to eat as healthy as I can. But I usually don't know what I want and I'm not in the mood to make anything, so that leads to eating out more than I want to. Also, I can't eat any meat that I cook. It is the weirdest thing. It just makes me sick I guess because I saw it raw.******In other news work has just gotten a ton more stressful. I work for an allergy dr and when I started I was doing the skin testing and making allergy vials. When the receptionist quit I took over her job and N took over my job. N has worked here on and off for years. Well she came in yesterday and said it was her last day! Seriously, no notice at all. We skin test on Mon and Thur and we have patients scheduled. So guess who gets to take over her job until we hopefully find someone? Yup, that's right it's me. Considering I am the only one in the office who knows how to do it. So I get to do my job and her job, joy of joys!!! And the fact that I loathe skin testing and making vials doens't help the situation at all. It is just so monotonous and tedious and it drives me crazy. So I am praying they will get in gear and find someone soon.

My family has always been odd in that we like to make up words. Such as gradumatation!!! I don't know why we do it, or how it started. It's just something we do. My favorite word is disformed instead of deformed. Ok I know we are strange.

Anywho, Dougie, my LITTLE brother graduated last weekend. I am the very PROUD big sister. He is such a great kid and I love him to death. But to be honest him graduating is making me feel really old!! I was 11 when he was born and him finishing high school seemed so far off. But as they say, time flies when you're having fun!!! So I shall share with you some pics.

This is what Josh and I got him for graduation. He has been taking Tae Kwon Do for a few years now and should have his BLACK BELT this summer. Then he will be a lethal weapon!!! So we had his favorite verse written in Korean for him. It should go the other way but you get the point. The verse is Psalm 144:1 Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle.

I know I have mentioned in little snipets my views on vaccinations. But this is going to be a full blown post about it. I'm just warning you ahead of time. So for those of you that think I am crazy (you know who you are!) you can just move along. Or you can stick around and maybe learn something!!! :)

Disclaimer: I am in no way saying that if you vaccinate your child you are a bad parent. Please remember this is MY blog and these are MY views!

For those of you who do not know I work for a dr that treats Autism. I see it everyday. I hear the stories that the mothers tell. From all that I have seen, heard, read and study I have concluded that vaccines play a role in the rise of Autism. I am in no way saying they are the "cause" of Autism. The cause is multifaceted, but vaccines play a very large role.

The dr and the nurse just got back from an AutismOne conference in Chicago. It's amazing the stories they come back and tell. There were tons of speakers there. Some were doctors, some were Phd's and some were parents.

There was a dr named Mayer Eisenstein. He is a family practicedr. His philosophy is to deliver babies at home, do not use antibiotics unless extremely necessary and no vaccines. The group he is a part of has 35000 patients and not a single one has autism. How is that possible when the rate is 1 in 150??? You can't deny that what he is doing is working. He has a book called Don't Vaccinate Before You Educate. I am currently reading it and find it very interesting.

Did you know that the Rubella, Hep A and Chicken pox vaccines are grown on the tissue of an aborted fetus? I bet ya didn't and I also bet that has some religious complications for some of you. I know it does for me.

I find it very interesting that they want to give an infant Hep B right after it pops out. Why does an infant need Hep B if the mother is not a carrier? So I looked it up and this is what I found. Possible forms of transmission include (but are not limited to) unprotected sexual contact, blood transfusions, re-use of contaminated needles & syringes, and vertical transmission from mother to child during childbirth. The conclusion I draw from this is that the medical industry is trying to cover their butts in case there is an accident. If they give my child the Hep B vaccine and then they accidentally reuse a needle on him it should all be ok.

Another problem I have with vaccines is that they give so many at one time. Why does a 6 wk old baby need to have 5 different injections? Is their immune system really ready to process what is in the vaccine...live viruses, mercury, aluminum, formaldehyde, antifreeze, phenol? It seems to me that might be a bit overloading. And if a child has to be fully vaccinated to start school why are so many given before the age of 2. They don't start school until 4 or 5 so why can't we spread them out a little?

If you asked my husband he would tell you that I am a conspiracy theorist. And it is true. I believe that the government, the pharmaceutical companies and the FDA are all in bed together. And the real issue here is the bottom line. If any of those three institutions came forward and said vaccines may play a role in Autism, billions and billions of dollars would be lost. The new issue of Time Magazine has an article about vaccines in it. Of course it is pro vaccinate and it actually uses some scare tactics. The one thing that stuck out to me was when they pointed out that parents choosing not to vaccinate are choosing the good of the child over the good of society. I say the government, the FDA and the pharmaceutical companies are choosing the good of their pocket books over the good of society.

Now go forth and comment. I'm interested to know what everyone else thinks. But lets keep it nice, remember we are all entitled to our OPINION!!

I know that my hormones are out of control because I cry at really stupid things lately. But that is not why I am so sad about my car. I have this weird thing about becoming too attached to things.

All of my cars have been this way. Even the neon that was a POS. But I had bought it all by myself when I was 18 and I was so proud.

I am currently very sad about the passing of my passat. And oddly this one is harder than the others. When I traded in the neon or the beetle that was my decision. But the passat was taken from me before I was ready, wow doesn't that sound like other posts I have written. I mean really it is just a car. But it was MY car and I loved it. It was beautiful and comfortable and reliable. And now it is just a heap of metal. Ok maybe pregnancy hormones are playing a role!!!

I am sure most of you have heard about Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter that was killed earlier this week. It is so very tragic. If you are the praying type please pray for his family. I cannot even start to fathom the pain and heartache they are experiencing on so many levels. Pray for the brother, that this will not haunt him forever, that he can forgive himself and give it to God. As most of us have learned life is so fragile, at any age. We all need to remember to treasure every moment we have with our friends and family.

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Allison at Our Own Creation needs our help. It seems that wordpress cateragorizes the day you get the most blog hits as "The Best Day Ever". Which normally would be ok. But for Allison the day she got the most hits is the day her daughter died. So we are all coming together to change the date of her best day ever. Join with me on Thursday May 29th in clicking on her blog from every computer you have access too. You can just click on the picture and it should take you stright to her blog.

So... I really need to start blogging more. It is such a good outlet for me, and right now I seem to just be bottling everything up inside.

There were many times in the last 3+ years where life sucked and I really had to focus on all the good that I had then. I mean in the big scheme of things life was really good. I had a great dh, a house, car, good job, friends, family, pets. I still have all of those things and now I also have the thing I have desired most. Or at least I am close to having it.

The whole car wreck thing is not turning out as we had hoped. It seems the witness was a friend of the other lady and they both said Josh had a red light. Which means our ins has to pay for everything, which in the end means they will take the hail damage money out of the total they pay us for the car. That was the money we were going to use to buy the next car. Also, Josh's cell phone got broken in the wreck and now we get to buy him a new $300 phone.

So once again I am trying to focus on the good. The fact that I am almost 16wks pg. That my husband is fine after that awful wreck. And that I know somehow this will all work out in the end. God always provides, even if it isn't in the way I would have wanted.

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In more happy news, I bought some maternity clothes. I needed to buy a swimsuit because I think I am going to spending a lot of time in the pool considering it is only may and we have already hit the mid 90's. I picked a suit from old na.vy because it was cheap. I'm not going to spend $80-100 on something I will only wear for 3 months. So while I was at ON I also got some shorts and capris!! I have a friend that gave me all of her maternity clothes so I have lots of tops but not many bottoms. I ordered these online, so I'm anxiously awaiting their arrival!!

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I think I forgot to update you all on my last ob appt. Well the dr did a sono and was concerned about fluid level again so she sent me to a specialist because he has a big $250,000 u/s machine. I was a little nervous as I waited at his office. He did the scan and said all was well. Baby measured great and the fluid level was where it should be. So that was wonderful to hear. I see the ob again in 3wks and him and 3wks, which means I will get two anatomy scans!!! So I'm gonna put a poll up on the side of the blog and see what people think as far as gender goes!!

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We had dinner with my dad and his wife this weekend. I hadn't seen him since he came to the hospital the day after my surgery. We had a really nice time. Of course I had presents. His wife always brings me something (usually a purse), she is jus the sweetest thing. Anywho, she did indeed get me another purse. But there was also something else. I unwrapped it to find a box that said Friedma.n's Jewel.ers on it. I opended it and there was the most beautiful diamond cross necklace. I was speechless. Stephanie said my dad had picked it out himself and it was my mother's day present. There are not even words to express how much that means to me. I really think that this baby is going to make our relationship so much better.

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I am looking forward to Memorial day. I always enjoy a 3 day weekend and Josh and I will be celebrating our 9th anniversary (which is the 29th). We have already bought our present because we are such impatient people. We got Rock.band for our X.box and it is so much fun. He plays drums and I play guitar. We started a band and we are on tour!!!! I know we are such nerds! It's good though that we enjoy the same kinds of things and we can play together!! Next game purchase will be the new mar.io kar.t for the W.ii!!!!

As for Turkey things seem to still be going well. I have an appt with the ob tomorrow. I am hoping she will listen to the hb with the doppler. We haven't been able to find it with ours, so I want to see where she finds it. I have been drinking tons of water and getting IV's at work with the hope that it will increase my fluid. I have a sono on monday to check out where it is!!

I did figure out that the nausea was because of my prenatals. Since I stopped that brand I have been feeling much better. Stupid vitamins!

****So now for the exciting news. I have a 2005 VW passat that I love. It is just a beautiful car. But seeing as how we have a baby on the way we are trying to cut our bills back so I am able to stay home. So the passat had to go. We had been trying to sell it for about 9 months now. But the problem is we are upside down. Apparently when you buy a car 2 months before the new body style comes out it drops dramatically in value, who knew?? Anywho, our lease is up next may so we figured we would be stuck with it until then.

That was of course before yesterday! Josh went to start his car and the temp light started flashing. It needed coolant, and it also happened to have a flat tire. So he decided to drive my car. About 45 min later he calls me and tells me that a Tahoe ran a red light and hit him on the rear passenger side. That made the car spin around and run into her again and then they both ended up on the other side of the intersection.

He is ok, just banged up a little. But the passat has gone to car heaven. I cried when I saw it. My poor little blue baby. I really did love that car even though I hated the car payment. So, because God works in mysterious ways this is actually a blessing. Josh and I were smart enough that when we bought the car we got this little thing called "gap insurance". Which means they will pay off what we owe on the car rather than what it is worth. Woohoo. So I did lose my beautiful car but now we are out from under it. We owe VW nothing else and that is a great feeling.

Another lucky thing is that we just filed a hail damage claim on it and a suburban that we have. We were not going to get the suburban fixed and now I guess we won't get the passat fixed either. So were are going to use that money to buy me a used car. Hopefully a passat wagon.

I have pics on my cell phone, if I can figure out how to get them off I will post. Otherwise we left some stuff in the car so when we go get that I will take pics with the camera and show you the carnage!!

So 12wks4days today. How very exciting. I can't believe I have made it this far. Had a sono yesterday and baby is doing great. Heart beat was 122. So all is well with baby.

But, and that is a freaking huge but. Sac is still behind. And what that means at this point is low amniotic fluid. And we all know babies can't survive without enough fluid. So they are keeping an eye on it. I have another sono in 3wks to check the level. So now I am praying to make it to at least 24wks. Anything after that is an extra blessing.

Ok, let me start this with saying how extremely thankful I am that I am pg and have made it past 12wks. How thankful I am that Turkey is doing great and growing as he/she should. But that being said I still feel so angry that nothing about this pg is going smoothly. That nothing about the whole ttc thing went smoothly. Is it really too much to ask for something, anything to be textbook?

I think I am just in a bad place right now. I kept telling myself I will be more happy and more conected to the pg once I hit 12wks. But now I feel like I am waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I mean I always knew that something could happen at anytime, but now I have this fear that it will happen. That I will be having this baby earlier than I should. I know there is nothing I can do to stop what is going to happen. And I know that worrying about what might happen does nothing to keep it from happening. So I'm gonna try to be positive and enjoy what is going on right now, even though it is so hard.

When I had my m/c last April the dr was going to send the material off for genetic testing. I knew this meant they would find out the sex of the baby. I told the dr and all the nurses to put it in my chart that I didn't want to know. I didn't think that was information that I could handle.

Over the last year I have thought about that baby many times. For some reason I had always thought it was a boy. Which was weird because I had no idea about the two previous m/c. Well, I got a packet in the mail from my RE with ALL of my history in it. So I started flipping through it not thinking I may read something I didn't want too. And then there it was. The baby was a boy. My son, Josh's son. The one he wants to take to the park and teach to throw a football.

I continued to read about how perfect all his chromosones were and it made me sad. There was no reason that science could find for him not to survive. He should be here with us right now. Knowing his gender makes the loss that more real. My thoughts and dreams for him are no longer generic.

5 pregnancys lost. Five times the egg and the sperm met and created life, and five times that life ended too soon. When I really stop and think about it I cannot fathom how I have survived the last 3 and a half years. How did I continue to press on and try after all that has happened? I know it was only by the grace of God. When November comes and I get to meet this beautiful baby that is growing inside of me I will know that all the pain and heartache was worth it.

First, I have been a crappy blog reader and commenter. You would think laying in bed for two weeks would be the perfect opportunity to read and comment. but I just wasn't in the mood. Yesterday my google reader had almost 200 unread blogs. I had to do it, there was just too much pressure. I pushed the button and they were gone. Sorry. I promise to do better now.

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging lately. I just feel like my life is in a holding pattern. Like I live everyday waiting for it to be over so it will be tomorrow. I can't wait for 12wks. I know that anything can happen after that. But I have never made it that far. And I need the peace of mind that the first tri is over.

Everyone keeps asking me when I am going to be excited. Well, I am already super excited to have made it this far, and that turkey survived the ectopic incident. But I know that i still have my heart guarded. I can't break that wall down just yet. Early on I told Josh this is the last time. If we lose this baby I am done. Those words are still true. And I am so afraid of what the future holds that I cannot control. But I know I cannot continue to go through the pain of m/c and IF.

So if I don't blog don't worry. It just means I am waiting. Also, if I don't blog don't leave me!!! I'm needy!!! :)

Things are going well. Had my last appt with the RE yesterday and baby is doing great with a nice strong HB. I see my OB on Monday and I continue to pray really hard for the next two weeks!!!

Now for something really odd. I confirmed with my RE that I did indeed ovulate on the left side. Do you know what that means? The egg came out of the left ovary through the left tube and was fertilized. Went into the uterus and then went back into the right tube to implant!!!! I guess if I'm gonna do something might as well go all the way!!!!

So it's been few days since I posted because I was in the hospital. Yup that's right, never a dull moment in my life. Here's the fascinating story.

Got up tuesday to get ready for work. I started having this terrible pain in my stomach that radiated downward. I was also very hot and sweaty. I decided to go lay down on the bed for a moment to see if it passed. Well, it didn't. I kinda felt like I needed to throw so I asked Josh to help me to the bathroom. I was really dizzy by this point. So he helps me up and takes me to the bathroom and the next thing I know i am on the floor and josh was yelling at me. Apparently I had passed out. So my wonderful husband decided to call 911.

I was still having the pain but the severity of it came and went and the hot, sweatyness was only there when the pain was at its worse. The ambulance got there and took me to the hospital. The checked me into a room and an Rn talked to me. It took 2 hours for a dr to see me and the RN wouldn't give me any pain meds. It wasn't until I passed out again after using the bathroom that everyone started taking me seriously. The dr finally came in and wanted to do a u/s on the baby. Oh and they gave me some demerol. The did a vaginal us and by the time they were done the med had worn off and they wouldn't give me anymore because my blood pressure was way too low.

The ER doc had the ob on call come in and talk to us and said that it seems I had an ectopic. The had seen something on the right side of the uterus and they believed that I was bleeding heavily internally. Next thing I know they are talking surgery. There are 4 male Rns in the room trying to get blood and hooking me up to blood and a femal rn starting my cathetar. I was acutally more than happy to have the surgery because I knew then I would finally get the pain meds. So they wheeled me off to surgery and the next thing I know I wake up in recovery in pain and shivering. I always shiver and shake when I wake up from anesthia. Josh and annie come back to see me and ask me if the dr had talked to me. He hadn't so they tell me all the gory details. Apparently I did have an ectopic on the right tube and it had burst. They wanted to do the surgery laproscopicly but couldn't because I had 1.5 liters of blood and clots that needed to be removed. The tube had burst with just enough room next to the uterus so that they could just clamp it off and not have to do anything with the uterus. But I did lose my right tube. So I basically have a c-section incision except they didn't cut the uterus. There are about 15-17 staples.

Now I know you are all wondering about the baby and as far as we know Turkey is just fine. We have an appt with the RE tomorrw for a sono that will tell us for sure. But they did one after the surgery and everything seemed ok. This whole experience has been truly crazy and terrifying. If josh hadn't been running late to work who knows what could have happend. I could have died and turkey could have too. I am just so thankful that everyone is ok. This pregnancy has been such a rollercoaster and I hope and pray once we get past the first trimester things will settle down a bit.

OH and by the way the statistic of having a uterine pg and an ectopic are about 1 in 30000!!!!!

Sorry I didn't post friday, i just didn't have the energy. The appt was good and bad. The baby was great. Measured 8w3d with hb 186. The sac was still behind and the dr said she thought I had a hematoma. I left her office feeling very defeated. Wondering why none of this can be easy. So I get home and tell Josh the news. We were suppossed to leave for home that day for our nephews first birthday. I had decided I couldn't go. I was just too worn down to sit in the car for 6 hours each way. While we were trying to decide whether josh would go alone I started spotting bright red. Needless to say josh stayed home. He didn't want to be away in case something happened. I called the dr and she said to come in Monday for another sono.

So, I went in today and guess what? All is well. Baby measured 8w6d with hb 185. It seems as though the hematoma is gone. Praise the Lord. The sac is still behind, but the dr wasn't concerned. She said it is catching up so that is good. I will see the RE two more times and then she is releasing me to my OB.

I know it is still early. 3.5 more weeks until I can really breath a sigh of relief. But everytime I see that little baby on the screen I start to believe more and more that this might really happen. That I might really be bringing home a baby in November.

Work is slow today. I hate it when it is slow because it just drags on and on. I have read all the posts on my google reader. Come on people start blogging!!! And I am caught up with my forum. So thus I am bored.

I have decided I am not allowed to go to the grocery store by myself anymore. I tend to buy way too much. I am not having any paticular cravings, but if I see something that sounds yummy I buy it. Like Rice cri.spy treats, which have absolutely no nutritional value and are pure sugar. But they taste oh so yummy!!!!

The nausea isn't awful. Actually it is pretty good compared to my first pregnancy. I told Josh I was gonna be really pissed if I went through all this feeling like crap again and didn't come home with a baby. But I'm still trying to be hopeful. I will be entering into the 2nd trimester on April 25th (hey that's Ben's birthday!!!!), so I'm just praying for that date to get here quick.

It's funny that I seem to have nothing to talk about. While I was cycling I talked about other things besides my cycle. But now that I'm pg it's kinda like the rest of the world is on hold and I have nothing else going on. Very odd.

I do have a post that has been rolling around in my head for a few months now on friendship, but It's one of those that I have to articulate just right or I could hurt people. So for now it will stay in the draft folder.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONNA. Contrary to popular belief it is not down hill from here!!!! :P

Appt today went great. Baby is measuring 7w1d. HB was 156. It was amazing how much easier it was to see and hear the HB today. The only problem is that they yolk sac only measures 6w4d. The dr said she wasn't overly concerned since it wasn't a week behind, but it is still something that we need to keep track of. I'm a little worried about it but I am trying to be strong and not google anything about.

If you have good stories about a sac that was behind and caught up feel free to leave the info. If you have a not so good story please don't leave it. I am trying my hardest to stay as hopeful as I can be.

So...so far so good. Sono again next friday and then we will be leaving town for my nephews birthday.

Tomorrow is Good Friday and I am so happy that I get the day off. My sono is at 9:15 so I'll get to sleep in a little. I am praying that everything is still going well. I am just taking it one day at a time. And today is a good day.

I did remember on the way home from work today that it was on Good Friday last year when they confirmed that my 3rd pregnancy was over. The sono confirmed the baby had died and I had a d&c the following tuesday. It seems odd that it is a year later and I am in the same position. Pregnant, with weekly sono's, praying that there is a heartbeat every time. I cannot tell you how I hope this year will be different than the last. I keep reminding myself that every pg is different and I am doing so much more this time.

Ok so the fatigue has completely taken over my life. After working all day I am useless at home. I am lucky if I even get dinner cooked. Josh has had to take on a lot more responsibility, poor guy. Any day I'm going to have to start taking naps at lunch time just to make it through the rest of the day.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining at all. There really isn't much I like to do more than sleep and lay around watching TV. It's just the feeling uslessness that is getting to me. My house is a mess, laundry is piling up and I am feeling overwhelmed. Luckily I have friday off so I will have some extra time to get stuff done.

Other than that not much else going on. Just waiting for friday and praying for a good report.

I am assuming that 17 million is the number of times I will worry and stress out during this childs life!

Sooooo... Sono went great. There is one little baby in there measuring at 6wks exactly. A beautiful hearbeat that measured at 125. It really was wonderful to hear. I feel myself still being somewhat reserved because it is still early, but im trying to really enjoy this awesome moment that I have never experienced before.

Another sono next friday and every other friday after that for the next 3-5wks, depending on how long my RE wants to keep me around.

Thank you ladies for your comments and opinions. I really appreciate it.

Going this week and next week was an option, but it is also a $50 copay each time. So I decided to just go next week. I called the dr and scheduled for next tuesday. I had a question for the nurse about some blood work I need to do so I left her a message. When she called me back she said why don't you come in this friday really early. So I rescheduled my rescheduled appt for friday at 7!! By my calculations I should be 6wks by then.

That is only 3 days longer instead of a whole week, so I can handle that. I am super anxious to find out how many there are. I am really thinking twins because I keep having pain on the right and left. I am also ready to see some HB's.

So now just gotta stay busy for three more days. And go to bed early on thursday so I can function on friday after having to get up so early!!

So the dr called today to see If I wanted to reschedule my sono for next week. They think tomorrow will be too early and they don't want me to be disappointed which I appreciate. So here is the good and bad of going tomorrow and waiting.

If I go tomorrow I will most likely find out how many are in there

But there won't be any heartbeats

If I wait until next week, that means I have to wait more :(

But next week I am guarnateed a HB, you know as long as all is well

Basically I'm gonna be nervous until I see the HB so tomorrow really won't help with that at all.

Ok, ladies what do you think? What would you do? I am asking for all opinions here!!

So today I am 4wks and 6days, which basically means way early still!!! What I find so odd is that I am having a ton of symptoms already. I didn't even have this many when I went 10.5 weeks. Some of them are very odd so here ya go...

Reflux. I actually noticed this before I got a positive. It is not constant, thank the Lord but I am having it much more often than before.

Hungry all the time, but I don't eat very much when I do eat. But then I have to take 2 prenatals, met, aspirin and now extra calcium. So by the time I drink all that water I feel like crap.

Can I be anymore tired? I know the answer to this is yes. When baby comes and I never get any sleep I will be wishing for these days back. But seriously I am exhausted always. I am completely unproductive and my poor josh has been doing double duty.

I officially can not brush my teeth. It's not the toothpaste because I have tried different flavors. I think my gag reflex is super sensitive and when I get towards my back teeth it's over. I am fighting through it though. I don't want my teeth falling out or people falling down because of my breath.

The smell of hot tap water makes me sick! Seriously, I have no idea why but I can't stand the smell and this is making showers very interesting. I can even taste it when I get out. Josh and I have talked about putting a filter on the shower. I am just hoping this won't last the whole pregnancy.

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I had a dream about our first ultrasound. It was actually a good dream. Much more optimistic than I feel like I am in my awake life. In the dream the u/s went well. There was one baby in there. We couldn't get a hb but i said to the dr that was ok because the baby was moving around a lot so I knew it was ok. It was just an odd dream and I am praying that the real u/s goes even better.

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The other day I caught myself saying something I shouldn't have. Josh was talking about telling his co-workers we were pg. And I said "So when we lose this one you will have to tell them that too". I couldn't believe I said it, and josh just kinda starred at me. I think that was my true feelings coming out. Feelings that I fight everyday. My heart wonders why this will be any different. But I try to remind myself over and over that it is different. And that I am doing so much more this time to keep this baby around.

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I have been doing somethings that I know a lot of you would say is foolish. But I don't truly believe that anything I do will jinx this pregnancy. So I have been enjoying myself. Josh and I have already looked and picked out baby furniture. I have already bought a few outfits. And I love walking through the baby departments again. I am going to enjoy this to the fullest. This is what naive pregnant women do so I'm gonna too!!

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Only 4 more days until our first peak at baby(ies). We have only told our parents and closest friends. Once we see the hb we will be telling a few more people. Not a lot. I have only told one person at work, so I will tell the others. Most people that are out on the fringe won't find out until 12wks.

The author researched different religious views on ART while she was in the decision process. How did you make your decision to pursue ART, adoption, childfree living etc? Did your religious views play a big part in that decision?

My religion definately played a part in my decision to pursure ART. I did seek council from my pastor before starting treatment. As a Christian I belive that life begins at the moment of conception. Luckily, I have not had to walk the road of IVF because it would be much more complicated religiously than IUI is. But just for conversation sake I will tell you my religious decisions about IVF. I do not think that it is wrong at all. I think that God has given humans the ability to creat technology to better the world. If I were to do it I would have to use all embryos at some point. I couldn't just let them die and I couldn't donate them to science. As for donating them to another couple, I really don't know about that. That is something I would have to decide at the time. I don't think that it goes against my religion at all, I just think it might be hard for me to know that I have other children running around somewher.

Ihad a different experience from the author concerning the type of clinic she went to. She went to a big clinic where she was treated as a number, whereas I went to a smaller clinic where there was a more personal touch. What was your experience? If you went to a big clinic, was it by choice? Did you feel like you still were treated as an individual? Did you have to deal with a Carol-like person? If you went to a smaller clinic, did you feel it was adequately staffed, etc. for your needs? Did you research various facilities (or did you do like me--go with the recommendation of my personal doctor)?

I was appalled at the clinic that Beth went to. Her story makes me thank God that I go to a smaller clinic. I couldn't believe how she was treated like a number and basically did the same protocol as every other women in her batch. I live in a large metropolitan area like Beth does but my clinic experience has been the complete opposite of hers. At my clinic I am a person and everyone is nice and answers all my questions. I think that if there were only clinics like the one Beth went to I would not have pursued ART. This was virgin territory for me and I needed someone to hold my hand and walk me through it. Thankfully there is no Carol-like person. and there is no George-like person either. It kinda sounded like he didn't even know what he was doing.

On page 254—255, Beth writes about…well…us. She writes about bloggers and the way we speak about infertility, embryos, et al. How did you take the description of our community? How did you feel about the way she put the word mother or mommy in quotes?I had a hard time with these two pages. I found it very interesting how she was talking about women showing pictures of their embryos and having names for them, even though earlier she was wishing she had a picture of all her follicles to show people. If I were to pursue IVF and had pictures of my embryos I would share them with everyone. These women she is talking about are mothers. They have created life and that makes them moms. Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Mistress's Daughter by A.M. Homes (with author participation!)

Three years ago today my world fell apart for the first time. It was a wednesday and Josh and I had each taken the afternoon off. We went out to lunch, then we were gonna go to my dr appt and then his dr appt. It was our first OB appt. We were so anxious and excited. It was going to be our first peak at our little baby. After spending almost an hour with the nurse we went back to the sono room. And that is when the world stopped spinning. The baby had no HB and had died a week and a half earlier. I went to work the next day and don't know who I functioned at all. I remember stopping at the door crying and telling one of the nurses I didn't think I could do this. I didn't think I could work that day, and I didn't think I could survive the death of my first child. I had my first D&C the next day. All of these events are still so clear in my mind. I can remember all of the details and I guess they haunt me sometimes.

This is the first time I have been pg on this date. It is an odd mixutre of feelings. Hope and sorrow all at the same time. I just finished going through some of the baby things I have attained over the years. The diaper bag my mom bought me three years ago when I was pg with September baby. The page from the calender at work for the month of march that year that has a women sitting on a bench with a photo album in her lap and the saying "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." The teddy bear, picture frame, and adorable outfits I have from all three pregnancies. Each one of them evoking both tears and smiles. The hope that one day they will be used on a living baby.

I am trying not to dwell on the sadness today. I really want to put all of my focus on what is going on right now. There is life inside me at this moment. A miracle has happened. I have been given another chance at this motherhood thing and I am going to embrace every moment of it. Now I'm not saying I don't have my moments of sheer terror, because I do. But i try to make the good thoughts out weight the bad ones. I know it is so very early still, but I feel good and I am really doing everything in my power to keep this baby alive. Now all I have to do is trust God.

HCG went to 205, which is double plus one. That is a doubling time of 48 hours which is good. I guess i just hoped it would do more than double. But I'm content that it is going up as it should. I really don't think I will be able to completely let down my guard until 12wks. That is my milestone. I have never made it that far. Seeing a heartbeat is going to be wonderful. But I know that an HB doesn't mean baby is ok. I would have seen an HB with my first loss if I had gone to the dr sooner.

Speaking of HB. The first sono is 3/11. Which I equate as an eternity from now. I have had 2 first sonos and both have been horrible, and heart wrenching. So I am a little leary of this step. I want so bad to see that HB, it will be one of the best moments of my life. I just have a fear that the past will repeat itself.

I really hate being so worried and stressed out about this pregnancy. I just wish I could enjoy it, and I am trying my hardest to. I was doing really well until today when they called with the new numbers. I guess I was hoping for more than 205 and now that I have a sono scheduled it means this is really happening. I am really pregnant and there is a possibility that this will turn out as all the others have. But, it could also turn out completely different which is what my heart is trying to focus on.

It looks as though I might be pregnant!!! I actually started testing at 7dpo. So for 6 days I have been getting positive tests. Until today they were all super duper light. I actually had to hold them under the lamp and at just the right direction to see them, but they were there. Todays was much darker, and that made me feel good. I was getting a little worried.

So beta today was 102. I go back on thursday for a repeat draw and pray that it doubles or more. Then about 2 weeks after that I will have my first sono, if I don't call and try to get in sooner!!!

Thanks everyone who was thinking of me and sent me emails. I really appreciate it that I am not alone in this!

PSA ahead: I have very strong opinions about vacc.inations. I am not going to go into it here, but if you want to know what I think feel free to email me. Ok, on to the PSA. I just ask when you get a vaccination for you or your children please use common sense. If you have been sick or have had a life threatening illness please do not get them. Your immune system is already suppressed and then you shoot it full of a live virus. Doesn't sound like a good combo to me. Ok that's all I'm gonna say. I'm off my soap box now.______________________________________________________

Did everyone see the lunar ecplispse the other night? Josh and I laid in the hammock for almost an hour watching the moon. Sadly it was a very cloudy night so it wasn't as magnificent as it could have been. But it was still a nice time, to just be together. One thing I notice about our relationship is that we do not take our childless state for granted. We enjoy getting to do as we please, but don't get me wrong, we will be more than happy to adjust to a baby!!

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Kathy asked me what my avatar means. Well, it doesn't really mean anything. It is a picture of several blown glass bowls and platters. I am a huge fan of glass blowing. And these were done by my favorite artist, Dale Chihuly. A couple years ago Josh bought me one of Dale's books signed by him. It was a great gift. So avatar has no meaning I just think it is beautiful.________________________________________________________

We got a dog door for Chip and he has found his independence. When we first got it he didn't realize he could come and go as he pleased. He thought he had to wait for us to tell him he could. But now that he has figured it out he loves it. Anytime we get up and walk to the kitchen he grabs his ball and runs outside. Always assuming we are getting up to play catch with him. Poor dog is usually very disappointed.________________________________________________________

Josh and I are leaving tomorrow to go home for a funeral. Kate's (who is my BIL's girlfriend and the mother of my nephew) mother passed away on wednesday night. She had been sick for a while. Kate is an only child, and I'm thinking her mother was young, late 40's maybe. I am just so heartbroken for Kate. I can't even fathom the pain of losing your mother. And it is so sad that she didn't live to see her only grandchild's first birthday. I know it is going to be heart wrenching for Kate when Miles turns 1 and her mother isn't there. Life is just too precious, and we need to take full advantage of everyday we have.

Since starting this cycle I have been focused only on it. When I will start injections, when will we do the IUI, when will I have my beta? These are the things I'm thinking about. And I have to say that I feel much happier right now than I have been in a long time. I have hope and that just seems to make the world better.

But today I realized something. I completely forgot the anniversary of my 2nd loss. I was so busy with the IUI's on the 13th and 14th that I didn't even think about. It wasn't until today when a friend mentioned it that I remembered. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. Is it good that I am moving on and going on with my life and thus forgetting very important dates? I kinda feel bad about forgetting. Kinda like that baby isn't as important as this baby I am trying to conceive right now. I will say I don't like any of these thoughts at all. This is a hard place to be in. Trying for a baby while trying to remember the ones lost.

For me all of my lost babies are very important. They all have a special place in my heart. And I have always said to myself that even when I do have children I will still remember them and celebrate their short lives. They will always be a part of me. But as years pass will anniversary dates come and go and I won't even notice, especially if I have other children to keep me busy?

The next few months are gonna be hard. I have two more m/c anniversaries. One in march and one in april. I know that they will be even harder if this cycle doesn't work, or worse if it does work and I lose yet another baby. It will be three years this march since I lost my first little angel. March 2nd, one of the very worst days of my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Last year march 2nd was redeemed a little because my friend Megan had her baby on that day and we conceived on that day too, but we all know how that turned out. So the day is tainted even more now.

It would just all be so much easier if this cycle worked and we brought home a baby, or babies in november. That is what I am praying for. That this season of suffering is over and we can walk out of the valley and onto the moutain. I am ready for the view from the mountain.

First to answer anonymous' comment on my last post. In high school I wanted to name my twins Tyler and Taylor. Taylor would of course be a girl, because I'm all about boy names for girls!!! As of now I have no idea what we would name the boy. As many of my friends know I so desperately want a girl (there would be 5 generations of women in my family if I had a girl, that is as long as my great grandmother is still alive, who happens to be 93) that I haven't even come up with boy names. Actually that's not true. Josh and I cannot agree on boy names. I have wanted to use Elijah for a long time, but also want to use Joshua for the middle name and that doesn't flow well. So I guess when the time comes Josh and I will have to find some middle ground!!

I hope all had a great valentines day. I read something interesting on Certainly not cool enough to blog. She said that Valentine's day is to singles as Mother's day is to the bereaved and childless. I completely agree. Maybe we all should have a little more tact and love for our single, bereaved/childless friends on those certain holidays.

Ok moving on...Josh and I have a vday tradition. Actually, this is only the 2nd year, but I really hope it becomes a yearly tradition. With our friends Donna and her husband, we book hotel rooms somewhere in the area and go to a fancy dinner. Last year we stayed at some hotel in dallas, don't remember the name. But we had dinner at the Ana.tole!!! They have a 5 star restaurant on the 27th floor overlooking dallas. And boy was it nice and fancy. And pricey! We are scaling it down a little this time. But it will still be fun to get away.

February 25th is already a good day in my book. It's the day Levi will make his grand entrance into this world. It is also the day that I will find out if this IUI cycle worked...11 days from now. That is one great thing about my RE, I don't have to wait the average 2 weeks. But still the waiting is agonizing.

Wednesdays IUI went great. Josh's count was off the charts. I was a little worried about it because of my low pregnancy rates. But I worried for nothing. Josh is so wonderful. He said he was a little sad his count was so good because he wanted to share in the burden of our infertility, he didn't want it all to be my fault. That was so sweet of him. The procedure went well too. I was worried because of my failed saline sono experience. But the nurse did a great job.

Today's procedure didn't go as smoothly. It took her longer to get the cathater in and it was a lot more painful. But she got it done. They did a sono afterwards which showed I had already ovulated the two follicles. So we have done all that we can. Its up to them now!!! Hopefully they will meet each other and be the best of friends.

Oh, I forget to tell ya that my friend Diane had a dream that I had twin girls. And a couple nights ago I had a dream that I had twins, a boy and a girl. I remember back in high school coming up with names for the twins I would have. I have always wanted twins and I guess now my chances are very likely.

So here we go. I will be doing an IUI on wed and thur. I have two mature follicles (i really wanted more than two, but I'll take it) on the left side. Right side was a little spare this time around!! I am very excited and terrified all at the same time. This is all new to me. I have walked the road of IF for over three years now, but this is my first real medical intervention. I mean the fact that my child may be conceived and my husband won't even be there! So if you are the praying type will you send one up for me that this will work and I will be bringing home a baby in November.

I have been working on a post about the Business of Being Born, which I saw this weekend, but I can't seem to get it right. So for now I'll say if it is showing in your area try to see it and if not then rent it when it comes out in March. It is eye opening to say the least.

Saw the RE again today. Acutally, I didn't see her, just one of her nurses. Anywho, we did another E2 level and a sono. I got clarification on the number from Sunday. It was 40.1. I asked her if that was too low and she said not necessarily. She said because of my PCOS they stim really slowly. They aren't overly concerned about my E2 level as much as they are follicle growth.

Soooo....today I had 6 follicle between 8-10 which is really good for cd10. My E2 level went up to 60 something. So I am to alternate my dosage between 75 and 50, then go back Saturday for another E2 and sono.

So things are happening, and I'm excited. I was really happy to see the left ovary stepping up and showing the right one who was boss. The left had 4 of those 6 follicles.

Not much going on here. On day 8 of stims. I go tomorrow for my cd10 sono and another E2 level. I had my estrogen drawn on Sunday and josh answered the phone when they called with the results. He thinks they said 40.1 or it could have been 140.1, either way that seems really low to me. Being a newbie to all this E2 stuff I called on Dr. Google for all my answers. Most of what I found said 100-200 per follicle. So neither of those numbers (40.1, 140.1) are very good. Seeing as how I would like more than one mature follicle. But alas, questions will be answered tomorrow when I have the sono. Praying the ovaries are doing their job!!

So the diet hasn't been going great lately!! But on my forum I have a Weight Loss Buddy that I have to be honest with so that is helping. Yesterday I started a strict no carb diet, which if I do get pg I hope to continue throughout the pregnancy. Doing all I can to avoid gestational diabetes!! Anywho, trying to do better on the diet and doing yoga everyday. I just bought two new yoga DVD's. I love yoga but my gym only has 2 times that are convenient for me, so now I can do it at home everyday!!

Speaking of diet. I am trying to eat more fruit. I really like fruit but I'm lazy and most of it requires some form of cutting. But grapes don't and boy are they yummy. I am having some for my afternoon snack. They are like little balls of sugar!!!!

In the three years that I have walked this road of IF and pregnancy loss I have heard about a lot of loss. Whether it be loss of fertilty or loss of a pregnancy. There is this huge support group of women online and it is wonderful. But with the good comes the bad. For these women to be supportive of each other they have to have experienced the pain of loss too. It seems there has been a lot of loss lately and I am sad to post of one that has really broken my heart.

It is Mary Ellen and Steve. I have read about their journey for about a year now and none of it has been easy. Recently ME became pregnant with 3 little girls. The pregnancy has not been easy. She even had to travel from Boston to Phoenix to do all she could to save her daughters. I am sad to say that she gave birth to all three yesterday and all have passed. She is currently fighting an infection and is on a respirator. My heart is so broken for her. There is so much pain and suffering in the world of IF and i just can't wrap my mind around it.

I am so a child of the 80's. I love everthing about that decade. The hair, makeup, music, movies, spandex, bright colored clothing, jelly bracelets, jelly shoes, wearing multiple colored socks, and on and on. Everytime we go home I spend way too many hours watching Best of the 80's on VH1. The ringtone for my phone is Girls just wanna have fun by Cindy Lauper. I just have so many great memories that have to do with the fun and weirdness of that decade.

Speaking of 80s music my abosolute favorite band was NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK. I so loved Joey with his sparkling blue eyes. My bedroom was covered in posters and cut outs from all the teen magazines. I had all their tapes and videos. I would even record them if they were on a show. I remember recording SNL and the Macy's thanksgiving day parade because they performed. One year basically everything I got for christmas was NKOTB. I had a sleeping bag and the action figures. Oh, I just remembered one summer I got an awful sunburn that itched and itched, the only relief I found was when I watched the NKOTB videos!! (If you are a late 20 early 30 year old woman you are shaking your head in agreement as you remember your zealous love for all that was NKOTB!!!!)

My plan was to go to college at Harvard just so I could be in Boston and maybe run into Joey. I had dreams about he and I meeting and falling in love and getting married. But sadly they broke up and I grew up. My obsession ceased and me and joey went on with our seperate lives. I have read here and there that he has gotten married and recently had a child.

But today the NKOTB silence has been broken. On my google homepage I get updates from PEOPLE magazine and today I noticed one about NKOTB so I clicked over. It seems as though they are making a comeback. Now this could be good or bad, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. But I must say I have a little bit of 12 year old girl excitement going on!!_____________________________________________________

Now for an adult topic!!! I saw the RE yesterday and started my meds. Follistim once daily and go back for blood draw on Sunday. I must say that I am extremely excited and hopeful about this cycle. I don't want to get too hopeful because then I will have further to fall if this doesn't work, but it's hard not to.

Oh, because I am crazy and like to have my heart broken I looked to see when my edd would be. November...oh how that would be the best birthday present ever.