Friday, July 12, 2013

"That's why they call it the present"

I opened a bottle of Apothic Red and am sitting her savoring the silence. I've been thinking lately about how much like a little kid I still am. My little's are very happy when they have things they are looking forward to, as do I. I suppose that is not unusual but it was glaringly obvious for me the other day. I was driving home from a work dinner, which for me is a lovely little break. The husband was home with the kids and I got to have adult conversation with some very smart ladies. As I was driving home I became kind of melancholy that it was over. I actually remember saying to myself (because yes, I do talk to myself) "I was so looking forward to that, what do I have to look forward to now?" My days are almost always the same.

Wake up at the crack of dawn, between 530 and 6, when my son feels we should all be up for the day, and bring the kids downstairs while hubs gets a few more winks before he has to head into work. I make breakfast, boot up the computer and prepare for the day ahead. Which usually consists of sending the husband off, occupying the kiddies in one way or another so I can take 10 min here and there to do what I need to for work. Sometimes the day is broken up by a play date or odd errand we have to run but otherwise when 4 comes along I'm then panicking about what to make for supper because I should have considered that at noon. Hubs comes home a little after 5, we eat and then it's either playtime till bed or playtime till bath and then bed. Go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. For me, the Zumba days, or the dinners out are a break in the routine.

Don't get me wrong. I like routine. I love organization, plans, lists and knowing what to expect. But I also love weekends where we can change it up, do something different. But I'm never just looking forward to the next day. I'm always looking forward to the next opportunity where I'm just me, not mom. Is that bad? Does that make me selfish, or unfit in a way? Because I'm not just honored to have every day, every moment I get to spend with them? They are growing and becoming little people and I have a front row seat to that.I have one part of me that tells me that should be enough. I am lucky. I should just be looking forward to tomorrow's adventure with them.

And then there is another part of me that speaks up and says that it IS "ok" to look forward to the times when I want to be just me. They are growing and they will grow up. They will get their own lives. I'll still be part of their lives but then I'll just be me - they won't be my every waking moment and where will I be then if I've forgotten what it's like to be me?

This is why it's good for me to write. I gain perspective and actually sort out my brain. I'm going to look forward to tomorrow's adventure with my little's and at the same time, be looking forward to next weekend when I actually go away with my girlfriends for 2 days. We do it every year now and I'm not going to feel guilty about looking forward to it anymore. At the same time, I'm going to enjoy every day leading up to it.

6 comments:

Great post. I understand what you re saying in so many different ways. I always feel that I wish too many days away with my girls because I'm always looking forward to the next opportunity that s a break from the daily routine.