Is "Undue Influence" A Problem For Your Aging Parent?

Imagine that your widowed father finds himself caught up in a whirlwind “romance” with a woman who seems all too interested in his money. Or that your mother has “fallen in love” with her senior exercise teacher, a younger man who seems to have ulterior motives in his inordinate amount of attention to her. It can be a sudden infatuation or a long, slow moving but tactical plan by another person to get in a position of influence over your aging parent. And it’s dangerous.

This is not to say that love affairs among seniors don’t happen or that friendships can't blossom into romance. Of course those good things happen. What I’m cautioning about are the red flags of what lawyers call “undue influence”. That means using a position of trust or power to pressure or persuade a person to do something that is not in his best interests, that benefits the influencer and creates some kind of harm to the senior involved. Money and property are usually at stake.

The person exerting undue influence does not have to be outside the family. Often, a son or daughter, a favorite grandchild or anyone whom the elder trusts misuses this affection and trust to take advantage of the elder. Sometimes, even when another person points out the apparent scheme to manipulate the aging person, she won’t believe it.

At
AgingParents.com, we see a trusted adult child persuading an aging parent that everyone else in the family is out to get him and that only this influencer can be counted on. The elder, after many years of having his estate in order, then is persuaded to change the will and trust and put all power in the hands of the very person who wants to take advantage of him. This is not rare.

What can you do about it?

Today is
World Elder Abuse Awareness Day. The intention is to inform and help everyone be more conscious of the factors that contribute to abuse and neglect of seniors. I chose undue influence as my cause of the day because I see it often enough to wonder why so many families remain silent while they see it going on.

Here are three thing you can do about undue influence when you see the warning signs of influence or pressure that makes you uncomfortable about what another person is doing to your aging parent.

1.
Speak up. Ignoring the fact that the new “friend” is getting a little too close to the bank account or that your aging parent seems mesmerized is not smart. Invite yourself into the next meeting with your parent and the suspicious friend and ask a few pointed questions. Let the potential influencer know that you are watching closely. Sometimes that is enough to get them to back off. Nothing like a little daylight to get the cockroaches scurrying away.

2.
Increase your contact with your aging loved one. The more closely you follow what’s going on in Mom or Dad’s life, the more likely you are to sniff out a rat. If you stay connected and see your aging parent often, or call often, you maintain your best chances of securing your own trusted position with your parent. It’s harder for anyone else to turn a parent away from you if you are close to your loved one.

3.
Ask your aging parent to allow you access to her bank records online. Even if your aging parent doesn’t bank online it doesn’t mean you can’t get online access with her permission. You can watch for any suspicious withdrawals and ask immediately about them to protect her from
undue influence.

To learn a little more detail about what is meant by
undue influence, watch this brief
Video animation which explains it in two parts, 3 and 4 minutes each.

And on Elder Abuse Awareness Day, share this information with anyone who has a senior or aging parent in her life.

I'm a California girl, born and raised here, with an abiding interest in health issues and particularly, healthy aging. I have always loved working with older people, probably because I had this amazing grandmother. She taught me so much about life, balance, how to be your ...