WASHINGTON, District of Crack: Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, who takes Ritalin "because he likes the colour" (John McCain, September 21, 2008), overdosed on the zombification medication, by accidentally taking 6,543 50mg capsules; 6,542 over the recommended dosage. Said Sarah Palin in an impromptu press conference this afternoon, "He...is...[very]...should...". At the hospital at 9:24, McCain announced in a drugged haze that he was "...organs mauffagappikka CIA killins and fagatreffulcata (incomprehensible) abs (incomprehensible)yes (incomprehensible) yes (incomprehensible) teabags (incomprehensible) (incomprehensible) (incomprehensible) (incomprehensible) (comprehensible) (incomprehensible) Sesame Street fine." He then attempted to eat his own arms before hospital orderlies removed press from the building and belted McCain to the table.

"I think he took a few too many Ritalin," said Captain Obvious soon after reports reached the media that McCain was chewing through the pillars of the Library of Congress. Police arrived on the scene with bricks and spoons just as McCain breached the third pillar.

BREAKING: Sarah Palin has just announced that he will "live to probably die in a few minutes, he's that (expletive deleted) old." She then gave birth to a child, which she promptly named Sandwich-Want.