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Monday, April 29, 2013

The utter lack of celebrations by Kings XI Punjab and more so by recently disciplined Praveen Kumar at the fall of Sachin's wicket during todays IPL encounter between MI and KXIP, has prompted the BCCI to order the MCC to issue new guidelines on how to celebrate Sachin's wicket in a way that does justice to the man's stature...

The order to MCC came only after the BCCI severely reprimanded Praveen Kumar. In a prepared statement, Praveen Kumar said, "Sachin is the greatest cricketer that has ever lived and taking his wicket has made me a better human being. I am deeply sorry if I have hurt anyone by not celebrating Sachin's wicket".

The BCCI is now expected to instruct the King's XI franchise to release Praveen Kumar's contract payments.

Here are the guidelines that came out as "Spirit of The Sachin"...

MCC's Spirit of The Sachin

There cannot be a Spirit of the game without the spirit to honor great men (referred to as The Sachin from here on) that bless us with their desire to play cricket. In order that the spirit of The Sachin be honored we, the MCC, recommend the following guidelines for all to follow in the event of The Sachin being dismissed during a passage of play...

The guidelines apply to all, the Umpires, the Wicket Keeper, the bowler, the fielders and IPL salesmen (previously thought to be commentators)

The Wicket Keeper

The wicket keeper shall shriek into the stump microphone while appealing and after the umpire has given his decision to rule Sachin out, he shall giggle, jump a few girlie jumps on the spot before running wildly towards the bowler. The shriek (before the giggling) shall be of the highest decibel. For exact specification please refer to You Tube videos of women embarrassing themselves at Micheal Jackson's concerts.

The Umpire

The umpire, once he has made an internal decision to give Sachin out, shall add drama to the actual "raising of his finger". His face should instantly convey two competing emotions. Emotion one - That of a fan who hates to give Sachin out must adequately compete with Emotion two - That of an umpire who is only doing his duty. There must be just a hint of shock and disappointment, while at the same time the I-am-simply-doing-my-job look should engulf (gradually) his facial expressions. At no point in the process shall the umpire make the decision seem 'business as usual'

The Bowler

The bowler who has had the honor, privilege, distinction, good fortune and prestige of claiming Sachin's wicket shall indulge in at least one of the following actions listed

Run around the ground (always trying to run in the direction away from the wicket keeper) with arms spread like an eagle and imitating an airplane

Pump his fists wildly while appearing to be angry

Do an instant Sajda (total and respectful surrender to Sachin, while the knees touch the ground and head is bowed) before proceeding with one of the other actions (Only a Sajda will not qualify as acceptable behavior)

Adopt the Shahid Afridi pose, but with eyes closed and with the expression I-have-arrived

Run towards the press box and slide like a footballer

A combination of high fives, chest butts with Gangam-style moves thrown in between

The Fielders

Shall run helter-skelter appearing to run towards the bowler but making an attempt to look so delirious with joy that in the heat of joy, actually moving away from the bowler. Out of the 9 fielders at least 3 must begin circling the ground in an attempt to subtly convey...Now that Sachin is out the match is as good as ours. If one of the fielders is the one who has affected the run-out or taken the catch that dismissed Sachin, that fielder shall carry out his actions as outlined for the bowler

The Commentators

The commentators shall highlight to the viewers how hard Sachin is trying to not get out and how that in itself is the mark of a great man. Commentators will stay silent for 45 seconds after Sachin is out and through that silence should appear to be shaking their heads. Absolutely no one will comment on Sachin trying to indicate that the ball kept low; even while the ball just clipped the top of the bails. A commentator will be deemed to live the Spirit of The Sachin, if he is able to convince the viewers that any ball that Sachin gets bowled out to has kept low. This is the law of physics.

4 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Ah! That's the RounderOpinion(only by name, narrow minded otherwise) Golandaz we know!Sabaash! Take potshots on the man who has behaved diginfiedly on the field for 24 years, adn make it sound like (using poor humour and thinly disguised frustration) he is stealing someone's wife(maybe Golandaaz's, that's why so much angst?).

And this when the much celebrated young india players(in this blog) behave like street dogs.

You dont have time to mock them but Sachin you'll mock in completely undeserving ways.

Have you looked into the black hole that is your heart, lately, Golandaaz?Can prejudice and frustration make a man so vindictive and humourless as it has done to you?

Completely agree with you. Nowadays Sachin's stay at the wicket is laborious, his dismissals are hilarious. But what is even more mirthful is the commentary following his dismissal. Lol, its a sin to utter anything even remotely critical about Sachin and his batting. Shastri, Bhogle and Siva make Sachin seem an even greater buffoon than he portrays himself to be!