Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Yup, I'm saying it right now, Game of Thrones (the tv show) is boring. The only way it could be worse, was if that fat bastard George Martin was being filmed reading his work to us, the audience. No, I haven't read the books, and this is because the tv show is so boring right now, I'm afraid the books will be worse. I would have to be paid to read them, and then it would have to be a sum the likes of which even a Lannister would have trouble repaying (see, that? I worked that extremely fucking tired line into my writing). Yes, yes, the dialog between characters is witty at times, but honestly it's like watching Downtown Abbey minus the sophistication, and with the addition of swords and CGI dragons. Speaking of swords, just about everyone in the show carries one, but they're only used (maybe) once every eight episodes. We hear about the war between the North and the King's men, but all we ever see of it is the inside of the Lannister's tent. I can see why HBO decided to add gratuitous nudity to the show, because otherwise it would just be people talking constantly about a war that the audience only sees five minutes of every season. Excuse me, talking about war, and going on endless walks. I swear, this show has more walking in it than all 54 hours of the Lord of the Rings movies combined. SNL hit the nail on the head early on with this show when they did this skit.Here we are in Season 3, and we've seen 5 minutes of one battle (yet not this season), a couple of glimpses of the White Walkers (well, ok, one glimpse), and a whole lot of people walking and talking about a war we never get to see. I'm sorry, but there comes a time when political intrigue becomes boring and drawn out, and I think the beginning of Season 3 is exactly that time. Again, I'm reminded of the great George Millus' words to his film students, 'Show, don't tell.' Why? Because telling is fucking boring. Take the movie "Die Hard' for example. Would you rather have seen McClane jump off the roof with a fire hose wrapped around his waist as the roof explodes and takes out two helicopters, OR would you like to have it explained to you in detail verbally while McClane talks to Powell over the walkie while taking a smoke break? Yeah, I get budget restraints, but look at shows like 'Justified' and 'Banshee' and 'The Walking Dead'. Ok, maybe 'The Walking Dead' has a bit more talking than action in it, but at least there's a zombie kill every episode. Hell, this last week's GoT had people walking and talking about a war that we see no action from, and all we get is a half-heartedly lame sword fight in its place. Find a balance between story and action that works within your budget. If you can't, don't do the show. If you've made it this far through my ranting, congratulations. You may think I'm nuts, but if you go back and watch GoT, you'll see that I have a very valid point. A sword and sorcery story needs to have some more sword in it, or at the very least a little more frequent sorcery. Again, look at the 'Spartacus' series. It does a lot with very little story, and I would dare say that it's better than GoT. For one, it has Jess Whedon (Joss' brother) as a producer, writer, and sometimes director; and two, they have a finite number of seasons. In other words, they have a planned beginning, middle, and end. That alone already makes it a better series than GoT. Now there are going to be a lot of you out there that are going to try to shout me down, or belittle me (the obligatory, "Well, you just don't *get* GoT.", etc.), and frankly I really don't give two fucks what you have to say about my opinion. Why? Because it's my opinion. I gave the series a better than average chance, but I'm not seeing any change from the first season to this current third season. Except for a lot more people walking. Get on with the action, or get the fuck off the pot and let HBO throw all that money into something better and less drawn out.

Friday, March 29, 2013

I fell asleep about 4 or 5 times during this movie, and it didn't affect the plot at all. That said, the first movie was just more...fun, for lack of a better word. This movie was just a generic action movie (which explains why Willis was in it) that happened to be sprinkled with characters dressed as GI Joes. It was messy, loud, and fairly stupid. Once again, the action scenes were filmed with a camera that was thrown into a blender that itself had been thrown into a tumble dryer. That alone made me grateful I didn't see this shitburger in 3D. And for people who'll say "you didn't know the GI Joe cartoons if you didn't like this movie". Fuck you. It's a bad movie in every sense of the word. It wasn't even remotely fun as a generic action movie because the story, editing, and acting were atrocious It didn't even work as a movie based off of a fun, but hammy 80's cartoon series, OR the comic series, OR the revived 90's cartoon series, OR the kick ass animated mini-series written by Warren Ellis (yeah, like *I* don't know GI Joe history). You know a movie is bad when even Arnold Vosloo won't be in it, since the guy is the king of direct to dvd movies. I was really looking forward to this movie being good, and instead I got some generic, macho, bullshit that even has fat, geriatrics being enlisted to fight in the battle. Cobra Commander was boring, and really wasn't necessary except for the MacGuffin of him being needed to launch the missiles from the satellites (why? it's never explained). A cardboard cutout could have done the same job as the guy that played Flint, and other than supplying guns and fat, geriatric 'soldiers', Willis' character was a complete waste of screen time. Do yourself a favor and skip this one. Wait for the redbox rental, which should be very soon. Hell, better yet, wait for cable.