8 Sep 2005

Last night I was flipping channels when I came across a Sex and the City rerun on TBS (surprisingly, the network wasn’t airing Spiderman or Overboard at that moment). Man, do I ever hate Sex and the City.

Disclaimer:I used to like this show when it first appeared because the writing was fun and I was 19. I remember having accidentally caught it on the A-channel in Calgary on a Sunday night and thinking “why haven’t I heard of this show before?”

Fast-forward a couple years and people are NUTS for it. Everywhere people are ordering Cosmopolitans, throwing Sex Parties and having banal conversations that usually include “Oh my god, you are TOTALLY Samantha and Heather is SO the Miranda!”

When pop culture worship gets disproportionate to the actual goodness/quality of said pop culture, my gag reflex usually kicks in. And so I started loathing SATC.

So anyway, despite myself, I tuned in.

For those who care, this was the episode where Carrie finds out that Big has indeed married child-bride Natasha (it was in the Sunday Times) which causes Carrie to buy lots of stuff and try to act superior. Oh and they go to a spa where Samantha sexually harasses someone and Charlotte thinks she has big thighs and cries about the nudity. And Miranda’s housekeeper replaces her vibrator with a statuette of the Virgin Mary and gets delivered a classic single-woman smack-down by Big Red.

Now onto my main SATC gripe. Remember when you’d watch those Tom & Jerry cartoons and they’d be chasing each other and the same lamp and table would cycle by over and over again? That’s what SATC is like, except the characters start to look more haggard and the lamp and table are replaced with common SATC denominators:

Cringe-worthy outfit – Check – Carrie returns from brunch to reveal her ensemble in full glory - skin-tight stretchy plaid pants paired with a ruffled blouse belly-top thing. Words do not describe. I should really start bringing my camera with me when I watch TV so I can get shots of this.

Martinis – Check – As Carrie sits in her apartment with her horrible outfit on, a martini magically appears in front of her. It's a Sunday morning.

Man/Sex Talk – Check – In true hypocrite fashion, the women are blabbing about how all these young girls get married and quit their job and how awful it must be to not have life. This, as season after season, they talk about nothing but men.

The Doogie Howser "deep thought" Moment – Check – This episode Carrie earnestly types on her laptop, “Are there women in NY who are just there to make us feel bad about ourselves?” (Yes, I did write that down – I had my food diary nearby.) Oh Jesus Christ, Carrie. Yes, women exist to make YOU feel miserable, you self-absorbed cow.

Expensive shoes – Double Check – The big guns are pulled out on this episode. Not only does Carrie come to lunch lugging a big bold bag emblazoned with the Manolo Blahnik (that was such a bitch to spell!) logo, but her new shoes become a focal point of the discussion (because they will apparently make her such a winner at an event Natasha will be at).

Sweetie & hun mentions – Check …I assume – I usually go deaf when this occurs, so it probably did but I can offer no guarantees.

Bad Samantha lines – Check – when she’s checking out a drag king art exhibit she says some dumb thing about packages sported by the women. I can’t remember it, but I do remember her trademark eyebrow lift, standing-in-place-swagger and the stupid pause that happens after all of Samantha’s lines so that we can all *laugh hysterically* but not miss the rest of the banter. Yarg and groan. Somewhere, Mae West rolls in her grave.

Charlotte being pathetic – Check – At the spa she has a panic attack about being naked, and then one about how big her thighs are – the entire time making her eyes looks as puppyish as possible so that we don’t drown her.

Miranda gets assertive – Check – I guess she also got defensive. Many a For-your-information-I’m-single-because-I-WANT-to-be-single woman raised her Cosmo to Miranda’s rant to her housecleaner about her vibrator/non-married life. Whatever.

Carrie needs a kick to the teeth – Check – just refer back to any mention of Carrie in this post to see the reasons.

The show ends on a SATC high note as Carrie cackles on the phone to one of her posse members about what a complete fucking retard Natasha is. Natasha sent her a nice little note and made the biggest faux pas in the world by including a spelling mistake in it. Wow, Big TOTALLY picked the wrong girl.

There was a second episode on after that, but my capacity for bullshit had already been far exceeded. Plus, Everybody Loves Raymond was on (ha! Kidding!).

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Who's Smashing The Keyboard?

My name is Jen and I look like that picture at all times. I enjoy appetizers as entrees, fountains choreographed to music and television shows intended for teenage girls. Oh - and I really dislike it when people spell it "Jenn"; it's practically a phobia.