A youth sports blog written by Bob Cook. He's contributed to NBCSports.com, or MSNBC.com, if you prefer. He’s delivered sports commentaries for All Things Considered. For three years he wrote the weekly “Kick Out the Sports!” column for Flak Magazine.
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If NFL Players Say They're Gay, Youth Coaches Will Have To Rethink 'Manliness'

Kids on the sidelines during the pre-game ceremony at an NFL football game between the Miami Dolphins and New York Jets, Sunday, Sept. 23, 2012 in Miami. (Credit: AP)

It seems like the question regarding whether a male athlete in a major pro sport will come out as gay is when, not if. In the last few weeks, CBSSports.com has reported that at least one pro football player would be coming out, the president of the NFL’s players union has said his group is “prepping” for an openly gay player, and, in an interview with the Baltimore Sun, recently released Ravens player (and marriage-equality activist) Brendon Ayanbadejo said groundwork is being laid for up to four players to come out simultaneously. If that happens, the definition of what makes someone “manly” in sport is going to be in for some adjustment.

“I think it will happen sooner than you think,” Ayanbadejo said. “We’re in talks with a handful of players who are considering it. There are up to four players being talked to right now and they’re trying to be organized so they can come out on the same day together. It would make a major splash and take the pressure off one guy. It would be a monumental day if a handful or a few guys come out.

“Of course, there would be backlash. If they could share the backlash, it would be more positive. It’s cool. It’s exciting. We’re in talks with a few guys who are considering it. The NFL and organizations are already being proactive and open if a player does it and if something negative happens. We’ll see what happens.”

In dribs and drabs, former players and other men (including at least one pro bowler) in the sporting world have come out. Leagues have gotten more comfortable with the concept of homosexuality, as have their players, who have been more open about their support of LGBT-related initiatives. At least publicly, leagues and teams are acting less kindly than they used to toward anyone associated with being anti-gay. Look at San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver, widely reviled by the public and his own team for a radio interview before the Super Bowl in which he declared: “Ain’t got no gay people on the team. They gotta get up outta here if they do. Can’t be with that sweet stuff … Can’t be … in the locker room, nah.” (Culliver underwent sensitivity traning and is now volunteering with an LGBT youth support group.)

And yet, while it appears it’s going to happen someday, no one has come out. I’ve said previously that the issue may be not merely the feared negative attention, but the attention in general that would come from being major sports’ first actively playing gay man. If, indeed, there are multiple players on multiple teams coming out in a coordinated effort — one that is likely to include discussions with management, coaches and teammates about how to handle the media attention — then that at least spreads the impact so only one player isn’t feeling the full effect of being the First Gay.

No doubt, boys who join organized sports learn a lot there about what it means to be masculine. But they also learn that pretty much every they go. That’s part of growing up. In sports, the messages are often more explicit. As demonstrated, for example, by former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice.

At least in the kindergarten-to-eighth-grade levels I’ve coached, the issue isn’t so much that coaches outright use gay slurs on their players. However, I have heard coaches (and, more often, parents) denigrate boys with other threats to manliness, such as, um, being the personification of having female parts. (For a more vulgar take regarding my thoughts on this, go here.) I think that use is part of an overall message that if you aren’t the toughest, knuckle-draggingest dude around, you’re someone less than male. You don’t have to use slurs to build up an anti-gay message directed at boys.

I want to note that such talk and behavior dosen’t represent the majority of coaches and parents with whom I’ve come into contact. As former NFL players — and, now, out gay man — Wade Davis said an interview with the site The Feminist Wire, while he certainly ran into plenty of people in sports who had a “narrow” definition of masculinity, there also has been progress on all levels:

Yes, there are non-athletes and athletes who conflate masculinity with athletics, but I think the narrative is changing and athletes, in private, are having important conversations about redefining masculinity and manhood. And, yes, they may have a ways to go, but so does the rest of society. I don’t believe athletes, in this day and age, are given enough credit. They understand the world around them and are doing more to reach across the aisle to work with people who may identity differently.

By any poll, people younger than 30 are overwhelmingly supportive of same-sex marriage. My kids are much more likely to know classmates who are openly gay than I was in the 1980s. (Actually, infinitely more likely.) For younger people, the idea of someone being gay is not the issue it was for their parents and grandparents. Any major, active, male pro sports figure coming out as a gay will be a big deal, but for my kids’ generation it’ll be less about the shock of, “Wow! An athlete is gay!” and more about the recognition of, “Yeah, an athlete is gay, too.” (I don’t want to make it sound like every person under 30 would react this way, or that every high school is safe at all times for gay youth. I’m just trying to compare it with, say, what life was like at a suburban Midwest high school during the AIDS epidemic.)

So, youth coaches are already very likely to have an audience of kids who are growing up with a more expansive defintion of masculinity. If NFL players do come out as gay, that should push any youth coach with a narrow definition to open his (or her) mind to the possibility that there is more than one path to be a tough, male athlete. That, in fact, it’s not the gay NFL player who looks ridiculous for redefining what it means to be a male pro athlete — it’s the coach who looks ridiculous for trying to enforce an old, dated definition.

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Actually, the coaches don’t need to explain that to the children. The leagues need to screen coaches, parents needs to keep a sharp eye for anything unusual, and coaches themselves need to police each other. That has nothing to do with whether players are gay.

First I will say, I do cringe if a dad refers to his son as a girl, sissy, or the “p” word. To me, dads should not do that to their boys. Maybe that is me.

Growing up as a military kid in the 70s, I remember these two young guys who coached my baseball team. Both were New Yorkers and one may even have sounded like Sylvester Stallone. The cussed quite a bit (kids on the team were 13 and 14), and we thought they were hilarious. I think one frequently said, “you throw like a Mary.” Based on your article, I suppose my former coach could no longer call his players “Marys.” LOL!

Sorry, had to add another thought. In the 80s, I was at the Infantry School at Ft. Benning, Ga. Infantry was – and still is, for now – all men. When people complained about the heat, the rain, the bugs, etc., someone would remark “does your vagina hurt” or the “p” word. Otherwise, someone would drop a Massengill comment. I have been away from the military for almost 20 years and suppose that today’s soldiers and marines might be more civilized.

Yeah, I don’t know about calling guys “Marys” anymore, Richard! Interesting posts. By the way, if you want to know how much things have changed since your military time, in my son’s high school JROTC unit there are (or at least have been) gay couples. Of course, that was after “don’t ask, don’t tell” was lifted.

why is anyone even bringing up sexual orentation ? have played alot of sports and never had to reveal mine, why do they feel like telling me ? do not understand why gays think they have to tell us they are gay. I have no desire to tell anyone that I am not gay.

Well, it could be because you’ve never been in an environment that was inherently hostile to you, and you’d just like to to stop. If you’ve played sports for any length of time, and paid any amount of attention, then you should know why some people might eventually get offended or suffer.

Let’s take this another way. You know how kids (and adults sometimes) like to use the old, “Your mama” jokes (of varying varieties.) How would you feel if your mom was dead, and you still got hit with those constantly. All the time. Non-stop. Would you eventually say, “Dude, my mom’s dead,” to try and get it to stop? Or would you just smile, and nod, and be all, “Hey! You’re totally right! You DID bang my dead mom last night! That’s AWESOME!” ?