Well in the video below I talk about several aspects of boundaries, including the mainstream approach to “enforcing” them with our children. In addition, I share an approach to boundaries for conscious parents, and a specific challenge for mindful parents. After you watch the video, you might check out my boundary tips that follow.

Boundary Tips

Be mindful about the boundaries you set. Set only those that are truly necessary.

Treat boundary “violations” as impersonal acts rather than deliberate choices your child is making to ignore, disrespect, or annoy you.

Consider what might be making it difficult for your child to honor a boundary you’ve set.

Attempt not to set boundaries that you sense will be hard for others to honor or for you to maintain (e.g., thinking a young, enthusiastic child will be able to not touch items in a toy store is almost asking for that boundary to be crossed).

A dysregulated child will have a very difficult time honoring boundaries, so help them succeed by doing what you can to keep them in a regulated state (i.e., a “human brain” state, a “yes” brain, green zone state).

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/when-children-dont-respect-boundaries/feed/0Have happier holidays with your familyhttp://www.shonnielavender.com/have-happier-holidays-with-your-family/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/have-happier-holidays-with-your-family/#respondTue, 12 Dec 2017 17:45:50 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=4064As much as I personally love the December holidays, they tend to be super stressful for lots of families. With the stress, the connections that we’re craving don’t happen as easily or as often. . . and our holidays may feel quite blue.

When I look at the stressed and harried moms, dads, and children, I see a common cause:

Excess.

Besides the overindulgence in sugar during the holidays, children and adults tend to have:

Too much stimulation

Too many expectations

Too much busyness

Rather than running away from it all each season (though this can be an effective strategy), I’d like to offer two ways you can eliminate a bit of the excess from your holidays so you can cultivate those connections that warm your heart.

Schedule in slow down time every day and every week. Pretend you’re snowed in and can’t go anywhere. Unplug the electronics and re-enact life before the internet. Set aside 15-30 minutes each day where the focus is on being, togetherness, and less sensory stimulation. Some of our family’s favorite daily slowtime includes reading together, telling stories (either made up or from real life), doing art, simple cooking, going for walks in the neighborhood, snuggling, and dancing. In addition to these daily breaks, setting aside a full or partial day as a “sabbath” of sorts is helpful. It’s amazing how relaxing it can feel when you safeguard part of each week as sacred family time when the outside world doesn’t control your calendar or agenda.

Extend extra patience and forgiveness to each other. The demands of the holidays impact parents and children alike. The weight of these expectations — of all the things we “have to” get done, how we “should” behave, and what others are counting on us for — means that instead of being at our best, we can end up feeling (and behaving) at our worst. So rather than getting irritated at each other and feeling resentful when our angels act devilish, we can make things easier by calling on our compassion. This means forgiving ourselves for buying cookies to bring to the school party instead of baking homemade treats. It also includes empathizing with our children who keep talking about the presents they want or who gripe about having to share Christmas day with relatives they don’t know. “I understand,” “it’s okay,” “it’s not easy being a kid/grown up,” and “how about a ‘do-over’” are all phrases that can soothe stressed souls when offered with love and gentleness.

Yes, there are more than two ideas to de-stress the holidays and help you and your family connect. . . but if I added to this list I’d simply be adding to the excess. Experiment with these two ideas and see if your holidays feel a little calmer and a little more cheerful.

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/have-happier-holidays-with-your-family/feed/0Saying “No” to your child? Three Things to Rememberhttp://www.shonnielavender.com/saying-no-to-your-child-three-things-to-remember/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/saying-no-to-your-child-three-things-to-remember/#respondTue, 24 Oct 2017 19:43:25 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=3988“No” is an important word for our young children to hear and accept when it is used to help create safe spaces for them and promote healthy relationships with others. Offered in a mindful way by adults, “no” communicates boundaries and helps growing children feel securely contained and looked after.

Sometimes, however, because of our own issues with the word “no,” we use it in ways that don’t serve our children, or we don’t use it and similarly penalize our children. Below are three tips for using “no” for the best and highest good.

Use “no” sparingly and appropriately.

Overuse of “no” or using it for unnecessary reasons, leads children to feeling overly coerced and provokes their instinct to push back (which then sets us up for a battle). Saying “no” too frequently also shuts down exploration which is primary way young children learn. Over time these highly restricted children can feel timid or uncertain and may even withdraw or stand back from life unless they are given permission to take part.

Needs deserve meeting even when the first response is “No.”

When limits are necessary, find other ways to meet the need that drove the child’s behavior. While “no” may temporarily stop a behavior, if the underlying need remains unsatisfied, the behavior — or another behavior — will still show up. If there’s something a child isn’t allowed to touch, for instance, look for something similar they can touch. Or you might show them what happens when the thing is touched (the car starts, the stove top heats up, the blade of the blender spins).

“No” isn’t necessarily the best way to shape behavior.

Because “no” acts as a wall to prevent behavior, it makes it easy for our child to feel thwarted in her impulse to act. You can either replace “no” in it’s “don’t do” form with a message about choices your child can do instead. So “no hitting” becomes “touch gently” or “walk please” can replace “stop running.” While the end result is the same, the “do this” way of communicating gives our child an option they can enact.

“No” can be used in ways to help create safety for our children and support the well-being of all those with whom they interact. When its use is truly necessary and we employ “no” in a thoughtful way, our children can benefit both now and as they grow. If this topic interests you, you might enjoy these videos or my Facebook group, the Conscious Moms’ Circle.

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/saying-no-to-your-child-three-things-to-remember/feed/0Effectively approaching a conversation about a co-parenting differencehttp://www.shonnielavender.com/effectively-approaching-a-conversation-about-a-co-parenting-difference/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/effectively-approaching-a-conversation-about-a-co-parenting-difference/#respondSat, 23 Sep 2017 18:21:37 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=3979Most couples – even when the relationship is strong overall – hit bumps when discussing or addressing co-parenting differences. When the relationship itself is rocky, of course, these bumps often become even more problematic. Here’s an example of one such problem “Jessica” one of my clients shared with me:

One evening I returned from a work meeting with the intention of talking to my husband Steve about some boundaries we’d been working on with our son and daughter. Steve was already in bed watching something on his kindle, but we ended up getting into the conversation anyway. I’m the stay-at-home parent and have been doing some new things around boundaries, and Steve’s questions about these new choices got me frazzled. I felt rattled and felt he wasn’t really giving me a chance to explain – or wasn’t trying to understand. My frustration turned to mild anger and the next thing I knew Steve was accusing me of being aggressive in my communication. This, of course, only made matters worse and I lashed out at him for not taking the time to listen and being too busy to discuss these important things. Thankfully we both shut up then, but needless to say I didn’t sleep well and it’s not the way I want our relationship to go. And, of course, it has a negative effect on our parenting when we can’t talk through problems or disagreements.

Why couples hit communication bumps

Many parents struggle to have positive and productive conversations about co-parenting differences for a number of reasons, including:

Childhood models of “difficult conversations” were unhealthy or hidden

Aversion to conflict keeps couples from addressing problems that do arise

When difficult conversations are routinely avoided or handled poorly, fear, resentment, and distance can arise making further communication even more difficult

Lacking adequate knowledge or practice in how to constructively engage in difficult conversations

So, knowing that some of you have had conversations like Jessica’s (or that you have been wanting to broach a difficult subject with your partner), I offer the video below to share some tips about how to get a difficult co-parenting conversation off to a positive start.

If you’d like more support — in developing effective communication skills, getting on the same parenting page with your partner, or navigating a co-parenting challenge — consider booking a complimentary session with me. We can discuss the issues you’re facing and talk about whether coaching is the right fit for you and your partner.

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/effectively-approaching-a-conversation-about-a-co-parenting-difference/feed/0Three common mistakes parents make when their child says “No!”http://www.shonnielavender.com/mistakes-parents-make-when-their-child-says-no/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/mistakes-parents-make-when-their-child-says-no/#respondTue, 22 Aug 2017 02:24:05 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=3897Many parents — and you may be among them (as I once was) — feel irritation (or something even stronger) when their child says “No!” or otherwise signals their unwillingness to cooperate. Rather than staying frustrated, however, let’s uncover how we parents often make that refusal harder than it needs to be, why “No” is something we want our child to learn to say with conviction, and a way you can make room for “No” and cooperation in your child’s life.

The wrong way to handle “No!”

Here are three common problems I see parents make when their child says “No!” to the adult’s request or instruction.

Problem 1: Treating “No!” as an absolute “Never!” In all honesty, “no,” from our child is often more nuanced than our interpretation. Part of our frustration comes from hearing a level of definiteness that often isn’t really there. Our child’s “No” can mean “not now,” “I’m really enjoying what I’m doing and I’m not ready to shift gears,” or “That doesn’t sound like a great idea to me,” and more.

Problem 2: Taking our child’s “No!” personally. Though we don’t like to admit it, most parents have some energy invested in our child “showing up” a certain way in the world. This can make us overly attached to our child saying “yes,” and churn up our internal (and often unconscious) fears about what their resistance means about them and us.

Problem 3: Reacting to “No!” with logic. Avoiding explanations (or at least delaying them) can seem counter-intuitive for some, yet the truth is that our child’s “No!” can often have an emotional component that isn’t changeable by even the most sound reasoning. Though logic is a common route parents take when our child resists, it can often make the resistance persist.

Of course, if you want better tools and confidence for eliminating the root causes of “No!” (without taking away the benefits “No!” provides our children), then you need more information, effective guidance, and plenty of chances to put new knowledge into practice. My Cooperative Home Coaching Program gives you precisely that.

The Cooperative Home Coaching Program includes

Eight weeks of training videos, exercises, and workbook materials in bite-sized pieces. This format keeps you moving with learning and growth rather than overwhelming you or leaving you to go through it alone.

Closed Facebook group for peer and coach support. This allows you to ask questions as you go and not flounder or get confused when things don’t make sense or you hit bumps in putting learning into practice.

Live Q&As and coaching in the FB group. So you stay inspired and implementing.

One-on-one coaching session. You get “face time” with me so we can address and troubleshoot your specific situation, concerns, or challenges.

I’ll also have some valuable fast-action bonuses for the first people to pay their registration once the doors open.

You will learn . . .

The reasons children say “Yes” AND why they say “No.”

What you’re likely doing that triggers their instinct to resist.

How certain resistance is crucial for your child’s long-term well-being.

The “hidden” factors in your own child’s life that make it easy for him to resist you.

You will have the opportunity to practice . . .

Engaging your child’s natural impulse to listen to you and say “yes” to your direction.

Strengthening your child’s cooperative abilities and safeguarding their confidence in saying “No” when it does really matter.

Diffusing tensions when your child is in a full on “No!” to you.

And much, much more!

Click here for details, including the chance to join the priority notification list for advance access and special pricing.

Your child needs “No!” now and in the future

Though we can wish we didn’t have to deal with our children’s resistance, the impulse underneath “No!” has many important benefits we do want our children to have. Here are a few:

Having the backbone to withstand peer pressure, bullying, and other coercion from their friends and classmates.

Being able to set — and hold — boundaries about how they let others treat them.

Giving them the courage to stand up for their values and follow their dreams despite obstacles.

So quashing the “No!” in their younger years would weaken them for the long-term even though it seems like eliminating it would be better for us today. If you’re not willing to sacrifice their future AND you’d like today to be a bit easier, my Cooperative Home Coaching Program may be precisely the resource you’ve been seeking.

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/mistakes-parents-make-when-their-child-says-no/feed/0No more tantrumshttp://www.shonnielavender.com/no-more-tantrums/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/no-more-tantrums/#respondThu, 06 Oct 2016 14:25:37 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=1487A child is screaming, crying, and raging, making their emotional distress visible, audible, and sometimes even tangible for anyone within reach. We’ve all been there — either as a child, as a parent, or as an uncomfortable bystander.

The common terms for such an occurrence are “tantrum” or “meltdown.” It’s an event that most, if not all, parents would like to avoid, yet we often unwittingly make our children’s “meltdowns” last longer or burn hotter than necessary, in part because we have outdated ideas about “tantrums.”

Why do children have “tantrums”?

Many parents today still think that children have “tantrums” because they’re not getting their way. We’ve inherited the “spoiled brat” theory popular during our own childhoods. What the research widely points to, however, is that these big emotional releases are the result of immature brains under stress — particularly feelings of anger, frustration, or anxiety. By “immature” I mean brains in which the prefrontal cortex — our most sophisticated “human” brain — has yet to fully develop (this maturation typically starts around age 4). Though we adults don’t like dealing with “meltdowns,” one of the best things we can do is adopt a more neutral view of them. In other words, instead of viewing them as a your child’s “bad behavior,” view them as your child’s best effort to respond to stress she’s feeling.

How do we get through “tantrums” without everything going to pieces?

Changing our reactions to “tantrums” from our children is an ongoing process. When most of us were children, these were some of the beliefs that were common about “tantrums:”

“Tantrums” are the result of:

Pushover parents who refuse to set limits on their children, or

Spoiled, demanding, selfish, out-of-control children.

A child having a tantrum should be controlled.

Tantrums that aren’t stopped lead to a child having even more tantrums.

Tantrums have only negative value (i.e., there is nothing positive about a tantrum).

Thus, most of us took on these beliefs about “tantrums” and so we tend to react in much the same way as our parents did. Usually this means either feeling angry and wanting to stop our child’s meltdown or feeling overwhelmed and wanting to disappear until the storm has passed.

But since these reactions aren’t productive (or usually pleasant), it’s up to us to learn new ways to ride out the storm (because it will eventually pass). If you’re ready to ditch the old ways of handling toddler “tantrums” for more effective and compassionate responses, I invite you to click here for your free copy of my New Take on Tantrums tip sheet . In my video below, I share three simple changes you can make to reduce the severity and duration of child “meltdowns.”

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]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/no-more-tantrums/feed/0Becoming a more mindful parenthttp://www.shonnielavender.com/becoming-a-more-mindful-parent/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/becoming-a-more-mindful-parent/#respondTue, 08 Mar 2016 16:15:11 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=2336One of the tools that supports our own personal growth as well as our smooth functioning as families is mindfulness. I spoke to researcher, author, and parent Josh Misner, PhD to learn more about how we can cultivate mindfulness in our lives and use it to enhance the quality of our relationships. We also discussed Josh’s new book — for dads and moms — called The Dadly Way: 10 Steps to More Active Fatherhood and Equal Parenting. I recorded our conversation and it’s now available below and on YouTube. Here’s a partial list of what we covered in our forty-five-minute talk:

How sharing mother-father roles can be both freeing and empowering for parents

What mindfulness is and steps you can take to create more of it in your family

How a mindfulness practice can support your conscious parenting

Ways that mindfulness practice can improve your family life

The main barriers to mindfulness and ideas on how to overcome them

Tips for gently navigating the path of mindfulness

Take a listen and feel free to post questions for Josh or me in the comments section below.

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/becoming-a-more-mindful-parent/feed/0Connect more easily with your child by changing the way you listenhttp://www.shonnielavender.com/connect-with-your-child-by-changing-your-listening/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/connect-with-your-child-by-changing-your-listening/#respondThu, 18 Feb 2016 14:28:32 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=2266As parents, we want to build and maintain strong relationships with our children. We want them to find us trustworthy and supportive, nurturing and wise, generous and attuned. One of the best tools we have for succeeding in these goals is our ability to listen to our children. Unfortunately, most of us don’t listen as well as we could (or even think we are).

While many behaviors keep us from fully hearing our children, I will focus on three I most commonly witness in my coaching work, as well as practices you can take to remove these and other barriers to become a better listener with your children.

Lose your fixation on “fixing”

First up may be parents’ hardest behavior to change: advising. Instead of listening with no objective in mind, when we’re in advising mode, we’re listening for the information we need to be able to solve the “issue” our child is facing. While part of our brain is taking in what our child is saying, another portion is busy formulating useful solutions to her situation. At best, we’re hearing just a portion of what our child is telling us because we’ve already decided what the purpose of our listening is.

The intention behind this listening barrier is noble: we want to help our daughters and sons. As older, and sometimes wiser, humans, we are confident that offering our own perspective or life experience will prevent our children from making similar mistakes, enduring similar hurts, or otherwise having a less-direct route to their desired destination.

Just because our child is telling us about a problem, however, doesn’t mean advice is what she desires. Nor is it necessarily what she needs, even if it’s what she wants.

Fixing is a form of judgment. All judgment creates distance, a disconnection, an experience of difference. In fixing there is an inequality of expertise that can easily become a moral distance.

~ Rachel Naomi Remen

Fortunately, there are some simple practices you can take to pause your advice-giver-parent-self so that your openly-listening-parent-self can shine.

Listen with no agenda in mind. Do your best to fully hear whatever your child is telling you. Stephen Covey’s teaching of “seek first to understand” may have evolved from his observation that “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” When your daughter hops in the car after school and complains about her day, resist the urge to offer “helpful” suggestions. Instead, pretend you’re a sponge whose purpose is to soak in this girl’s full communication.

Save advising for a different time entirely. If you do have ideas that you want to offer your son on an experience he’s just related, wait before sharing. If he recounts an unhappy event when you pick him up from a playdate, just listen. Then at dinner, bring the subject back up: “When you told me about the fight you had with Spencer, it sounded like you might want ideas about how to keep him from bossing you around. Is that right?”

Ask before offering any advice. If you do feel compelled to give your perspective, ask permission first. “Would you like a few ideas from me about the situation you just shared?” Asking this question is a simple way to ensure that your child is actually looking for your input. Some other options include: “I have some ideas about what you might do about the situation. Would you like to hear any of them?” or “Thanks for sharing that with me. Is there anything you would like from me right now?”

Stop being a distracted listener

Partial listening is another common behavior that prevents us from fully hearing our children. Maybe we’re in heavy traffic and need to devote more attention to driving than listening. Perhaps we’re engrossed in cleaning our email inbox when our daughter plops down on the couch and starts talking, or we might simply intend to send a “quick” email to our boss while our child is “mindlessly” chatting to us at the breakfast table.

Though not every exchange with our children demands single-minded focus, deeply listening to our children is one of the ways that we foster a sense of trust and care upon which a healthy long-term relationship is built.

The first duty of love is to listen.

~ Paul Tillich

If you find it difficult to give your child your undivided attention, experiment with these three practices.

Slow down and simplify. For many parents, the fullness of life is one of the main barriers keeping them from deeply listening to their children. When we are rushing from one activity to the next, always tending to a task on our agenda, or absorbed with thoughts about what’s just happened or what’s coming down the pike, we don’t have the mental space required for good listening. If you’re feeling squeezed by life’s demands, saying “no” and creating breathing room may be the first step to take in being able to listen to your child.

Create a listening-friendly environment. Good listening begins with an intention to listen and having the space in which a conversation can easily take place. Minimize distractions – mute that phone, turn off radios or TVs, ideally be alone with the person you want to hear – and set aside time to be uninterrupted. Bottom line: when your goal is to listen you don’t multitask. By creating a listening-friendly space you demonstrate to your children that being able to hear them and have time to talk with them is a priority for you, which can make it easier for them to open up.

Keep certain times devoted to listening. Beyond the act of creating listening-friendly environments, you can foster connecting conversations by having times that center around listening. In my family, two favorite times are bedtime and waking time (before the brain fully disengages from the sleep and dream world). NPR radio promotes their shows as inducing “driveway moments” where you stay in your car just to hear the end of a story or interview. You can apply this to listening to your children. Instead of jumping out of the car when you reach a destination, take a couple of minutes to listen to your child and connect before going on to your next activities.

Get comfortable with discomfort

Sometimes our ability to listen is compromised by our emotions. One day, for instance, my daughter was telling me that she “hated” a girl at school. “Yikes!” my internal voice cried. “My daughter can’t hate someone. That’s not the kind of child I have!” If I had heeded that inner critic, it would have been easy to stop listening, demanding instead that “You don’t hate her!” or insisting that she not say such harsh things.

Listening well can mean listening through such discomfort and restraining our automatic impulses to teach, correct, moralize, explain, rationalize, or minimize.

The dominant culture tells us that parents know more than children and that our parental duty is to teach our children. While there is some truth in both of these ideas, they nonetheless inhibit our listening well.

Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.

~ Catherine M. Wallace

To break the hold of these cultural myths we can employ a few different techniques.

Notice and set aside your own internal blocks. If you succeed in being a trustworthy listener for your child, chances are that you will eventually hear something that triggers you. Maybe your son describes “hating” someone, as my daughter did. Perhaps your daughter tells you that someone has been bullying her at school. Or maybe your discomfort arises when your children are telling you about what your former spouse said about you.Whatever the situation, we enhance our effectiveness as a listener when we recognize that we’ve stopped listening and can put aside whatever has gotten in our way and begin listening again.If you pause periodically to reflect back to your child what you’ve heard them say, it can help prevent you from getting distracted. You might also experiment with the practice of internal dialogue when you’re zoning out. “I’m feeling anxious about what Sam is telling me,” you might say to yourself, taking a deep breath as you do so. By simply acknowledging your own emotions, you can often keep them from overwhelming you and pulling your attention from your child’s story.

Listen first to understand and reflect that understanding back to your child. When understanding is our first goal of listening, our other motives may be less likely to kick in. Yes, we may discover something we want to teach our child. We might even realize that our child has misinformation. By listening fully with a broad objective of “understanding,” we can take in our child’s communication in a neutral manner. After listening, repeat back what you heard your child say. This lets your child know that you’ve heard her and also gives her a chance to clarify anything you misunderstood.

Don’t fake listen. When your children need to be heard, do whatever is necessary to be able to hear them. That might mean asking for ten minutes to finish an important work task, or calming down from an upset before you sit down to listen to your child. Obviously, instances may arise when the time to listen is NOW, but in most cases an important conversation can be postponed a few minutes or more. It’s better to take the time to really hear your child than to half-listen right away. The first option shows that you truly want to hear what your child has to say. The second communicates that you’re willing to pretend just so you can move on to the next task on your list.Don’t be afraid to pause during listening to your child if you notice you’ve gotten distracted or are otherwise inhibited from truly hearing what they’re saying. Tell your child, “I notice that I’m having difficulty hearing you right now. Let me take a few breaths to come back to myself, then you can continue talking.” This is perfectly acceptable and preferable to zoning out and missing what they’re telling you.

Recap

Listening is an art. It uses not only our ears, but our eyes, hearts, and intuition when done well.

Hearing our children is about setting our own agendas aside, making space for them to fill with the stories of their life experience. When we listen fully, we offer our children a tremendous gift and strengthen the bonds of our relationship.

While it isn’t always easy to listen well, using the practices suggested above can help us eliminate the listening blocks that most commonly arise. By creating an intention to understand our children, focusing our attention on them when they speak, and listening with openness to what is being said, we will earn our place at our children’s side as one of their most worthy confidantes.

Let’s hear from you

Which of these listening barriers is most familiar to you as a parent? What changes have you made to become a more trustworthy listener? If you’re committed to truly hearing your children, is there one of the suggested practices you’re open to using? Share in the comments below. (This article was originally featured as a guest blog post on Aha-Now.com under the title “Common Listening Barriers for Parents and How to Eliminate Them.”)

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/connect-with-your-child-by-changing-your-listening/feed/0What do you need to know about screen time and kids?http://www.shonnielavender.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-screen-time-and-kids/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-screen-time-and-kids/#respondThu, 07 Jan 2016 19:02:01 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=2198If there’s something all of us are or will face as parents, it’s screens. There are varying thoughts around screen time, as well as plentiful data and certainly no shortage of opinion. This post is NOT about what you should do, it’s about engaging you in a thoughtful contemplation about what you will choose to do regarding screens and family life. After sharing information and links to recent research, I share specific steps you can take to decide what media use fits best for your household.

What is known about screens today?

Technological changes happen with such rapidity that there new information often emerges while we’re still digesting yesterday’s “news.” That being said, scores of studies have been and are being conducted on screens and how using them affects our children and the rest of us.

When thinking of screens or media, it’s not one homogeneous category. As Dr. Brown noted, “There’s consumption, and there’s creation, and there’s communication.” The effects of media vary based on the purpose for which screens are being used.

No screen time isn’t a reasonable (or likely achievable) goal for most families. Screens are a part of our lives and so our choices center around how, when, why we’ll actively choose to access them.

To make these choices, parents need to be mindful. Beyond the “yes” or “no” question are issues of appropriateness for a child’s age and level of development.

The article closes with a quote that speaks to the focus of another article I found intriguing. Dr. Donald Shifrin, one of the members of the AAP’s committee reviewing the media use policy focused on how parents themselves used screens: “We want to show toddlers to teens that we don’t have to be defaulting to our screens at every moment.”

The focus of the NYT article is that media use impairs children’s development. Specifically my favorite parts of the article are reminders about the model parents are setting with our own behavior. “Some parents are perpetually tuned into their own devices, responding to every ping of their cellphones and tablets. . . . Other parents fail to establish and enforce appropriate rules for media engagement by their children,” writes Jane Brody, the article’s author.

Ways to make the screen time decisions that work for your family

As I wrote at the start, I’m not here to tell you what you should do (I’m not that kind of coach). Instead I’d like to offer several strategies for coming up with practices that work for your family.

Get clear on what you want to cultivate in your family and your children and consider how screens can support these goals and how they can hinder them.

Are you aiming for creativity, freedom, physical vitality, and passion, for instance? Great! If you want freedom for your child, then your choosing to “control” media use may actually work against your bigger goal. If you’re a solo parent working two jobs and you have a goal of freedom for yourself, allowing your child to use media at certain times make give you a brief respite for your own well-being. There is not one universally-right answer, nor may there be a plan that works for your family at all times, under all conditions. The goal here is to get mindful and avoid the knee-jerk reactions that often come up for us when we believe the stakes are high.

Consider what you want associations you want your child to make with screens.

One of my favorite articles to provoke deep thinking about screens is titled The Sliver, or how to stop fighting about screen time (thanks Susan for bringing it to my attention). Here is one of my favorite quotes from the article: “And when you limit what your child wants to do and push them toward something else, saying THIS is better than THAT, you create conflict where there doesn’t need to be conflict. They should be able to love books *and* TV, computer games *and* playing outside. But because you have put these things in competition with one another, they have to choose — so they end up rejecting the very things you want them to embrace.” I have wonderful memories that involve movie screens (very old-school, I know ): seeing an amazing mystery world unfold at the Star Wars premier, sharing my first “real” kiss during Romancing the Stone, learning that all people are worthy of love, honor, and respect thanks to Free to Be…You and Me (TV). Take some time to think of what positive connections you want to build that involve screens. This act in and of itself may significantly reduce the stress you feel around this issue.

Pay attention to the model you set and what it communicates.

Yes, many of us use screens extensively in our work and beyond. For some of us, spending lots of time with devices may be how we earn our livelihood. Nonetheless, one of the biggest impacts of media on our children is what they learn about it by observing us. Do you escape with screens or connect with them? Do you use them by yourself or with other live humans? Do screens control you or are you in control of them? Are devices with you constantly or do you leave them behind/off when you’re having family time? Have the courage to ask yourself these questions, not to judge or shame yourself but simply to have an accurate picture of the model you present. If you feel uncomfortable with what you discover, make changes to move to a different way of relating with the screens and people in your life (and maybe even life itself).

Know what is happening with the media in use.

In our family new media exposure involves a parent (ideally, either before our daughter watches/uses, or at least or watching/using with her the first time). We also read app reviews before adding things to the Kindle and have parental controls that prevent her from making purchases (or accessing content) on her own. For me personally, this is an area of control that I like. I don’t want my daughter exposed to certain things which is why I practice Simplicity Parenting principles of limiting adult conversations and mindfully considering exposure to all media. My personal opinion: If you’re not comfortable with a show/game/app your child is interested in, do one or both of these things depending on their age and the general relationship you’ve built with them: (1) talk with them about why they like it, what it means to them, how they want to use it and/or (2) say “no” for now (you can revise later) and help come up with alternatives. Finally, even once you’re comfortable with a certain media, check in from time to time (watch another episode to see if the tone is the same as the sample you first “approved”) and also talk about the media with your child (e.g., So, what’s your favorite part of playing minecraft? What happened with Daniel Tiger today?).

Observe the effects of screens on your family and adjust.

As a coach and parent I’m a huge fan of experiments. It’s true that no outsider can be an expert on you. It’s also true that we’re not infallible experts when it comes to our children. What each of us can do, however, is put things into practice in our own lives and study the results. In my own family, for instance we’ve experimented with boundaries but no time limits (e.g., boundary of no screens before school or after dinner), boundaries and time limits combined, content limits (e.g., fewer videos, more interactive apps). You get the picture. What I notice is that when media time goes up, it means that my husband and I are busier and are focusing more on stuff (to do lists, work, our own goals) than on relationships. Basically during such times we are counting on media to be our stand ins for our daughter. Sometimes, this is acceptable to me–I do have work to do and sometimes a screen is the most effective way for my daughter to stay occupied and allow me to focus. But overall, I’m not on board with substituting things for people AND when this happens too frequently or too much, I notice that the quality of our connection as a family suffers. We laugh less, tell fewer stories, play fewer games, and miss everyday moments of magic.

If you’d like to talk about screen time or another issue that’s impacting the quality of your family life, I’d love to connect. Book a free Illumination Session to reserve your own one-on-one coaching time.

]]>http://www.shonnielavender.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-screen-time-and-kids/feed/0A different approach to “What if . . .”http://www.shonnielavender.com/a-different-approach-to-what-if/
http://www.shonnielavender.com/a-different-approach-to-what-if/#respondTue, 17 Nov 2015 13:00:23 +0000http://www.shonnielavender.com/?p=2090My coach recently invited her clients to ask a different kind of “what if” question. Mostly, she said, our “what if”ing is from a negative mindset — What if there’s not enough time for me? What if my child doesn’t keep up in class? What if I never find my dream job? As you can feel simply by reading these musings, our questions provoke fear, lack, and a sense of not enoughness, none of which inspire or empower our lives. Instead, she suggested, turn your typical “what if”s on their head with positive statements. By doing so, she wrote, “you are giving yourself an opportunity to feel good in the now. And when you feel good in this moment you are setting yourself up to feel good in this moment, and this moment and this moment and….”

I LOVED this idea and had TONS of FUN playing with it for myself. So here are a few examples of positive “what if”s.

What if I’m the student instead of the teacher?

What if I trusted that it would all work out even if I wasn’t in charge?

What if I treated my child as my spiritual equal and partner rather than someone I “had to raise”?

What if I wanted to remain a loving, comforting, nurturing presence for my child long after I was physically alive?

Your turn!

Now I invite you to write some of your very own “what if”s that inspire, empower, energize, and encourage you. Take five short minutes and write down every uplifting, heart-opening, mind-expanding, “what if” question that comes to mind. Ready? GO!

Finally, here are the rest of the “what if”s that sprang into my consciousness when I did my own list.

What if the magic we’re creating doesn’t end but just changes form?

What if new discoveries are as important as finding answers?

What if my abilities are exactly matched to the needs before me?

What if the rough parts really do make the smooth parts smoother?

What if nothing gets in the way of our loving one another — not “screw ups,” bad moods, conflicting ideas, busyness, nothing?

What if there’s nothing to fear?

What if every disconnect showed us how to better connect?

What if loving — giving it, receiving it, savoring it — was my only real job as a parent?

What if I talked to myself the same way I usually talk to my child when I made a mistake?

What if the only “teaching” I did was by example?

What if my child didn’t fundamentally change one bit from the moment she entered this world?

What if I trusted that my child would fashion something useful and beneficial from any and all her life experiences, no matter what?

What if I wanted our relationship to be a life-long spiritual love affair?

What if I wanted memorable moments and connection more than anything else?

Thank you, Carrie Contey, for inspiring this elevating trip down “what if” lane! If you’re so moved, I’d love to read some of your own “what if”s. Post them in the comments below.