Too nervous to enjoy sex

During sex, I am too tense and nervous and unable to be penetrated. How can I relax and enjoy sex? (I am still a virgin, as I have not been able to ha...

15/09/2006

Question

During attempts at sex with boys, I am too tense and nervous to be penetrated.

How can I relax and enjoy sex?

I am still a virgin, as I have not been able to have intercourse, due to my nervousness.

Answer

We don’t know how old you are, but we do hope that when you finally have intercourse you will practise safe sex.

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Don’t let anybody penetrate you unless you are protected against pregnancy.

We think that at the moment you probably have a condition known as vaginismus – where nervous tension and anxiety cause the powerful muscles surrounding your vagina to contract strongly – making penile penetration impossible.

This condition is not at all uncommon in young women. We are very glad that you have had the courage to contact us for advice and help.

Part of the problem is that as a virgin, you are inexperienced and may have all sorts of fearful thoughts about sex.

For instance, some women may feel a sense of guilt regarding sexual activity, as a result of their upbringing. Also, they may feel very nervous about the risk of unwanted pregnancy.

Some females have been brought up to believe sex is dirty, or that a woman is being ‘used’ by a man in some way.

Also, there are women develop vaginismus as a result of physical or sexual abuse in the past – though it doesn’t sound as if this applies to you.

Our advice is to make sure you feel really ready to start a sexual relationship and that you are not being coerced.

Then ensure that the situation and environment is conducive to proper relaxation and that you and your partner are unlikely to be disturbed or interrupted.

Try a warm bath, some gentle music and a massage as part of extended foreplay. Never rush love-making, as your muscles and natural secretions need time to get ready for enjoyable sex.

Exploration of the vagina with your own or your partner's fingers may help to reassure you that intercourse will not be painful, and lubrication with K-Y Jelly or an equivalent certainly helps.

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