Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Ordinary.

My wife worries that I might leave her for another
woman.

I suppose I've given her reason…I have been aloof,
working many hours overtime, moody and unapproachable.I work primarily with women, and the reality
of work means that there are times when I'm with them far more than with my own
family; that concerns her.Fortunately
for my soul and our marriage, there is little chance of that.

I try to convince her that it couldn't happen with snarky
remarks; "Oh, yes, they take a good long look at me and say, 'ooooh, nine
kids…what a catch'"; reality is I am not very attractive at this point in
my life.To be sure, there seems to be
no shortage of infidelity, and the homely are no exception (spend one hour with
Jerry Springer)…but my lack of allure is deeper.I have not been a happy person.

I adore my wife, and the mere thought of our separation
by any means produces waves of anxiety and grief; she has remained loving when
in many ways I am rather unlovable.She
has had grief of her own when our spiritual lives diverged some two years ago
-- she remained a missionary…but me?I'm
not quite sure even now.She loves when
I am unlovable, is patient when I am unreasonable and gruff, shows compassion even
when I am unmerciful to those who mean most.To leave her would be my undoing.

Perhaps I am in a mid-life crisis of sorts.I feel separated from my youth more than
ever. I am beginning to realize that
time is limited; ambition loses relevance in such consideration.The things that I considered peripheral have
begun to weigh heavily on my heart: my relationship with my children, my wife, friends,
how and for what I would be remembered.

Up to this point I had definite ideas of what success is
and how it is measured; now I am not as sure.I have always believed that each of us is called to great things and
that I had the potential to be a force of change; isn't that what we teach our
children?Now I consider that more
likely most of us are called to be ordinary and small in the estimation of the
world.Mother Teresa said we are not
called to be successful, just faithful.That always seemed quaint to me, pithy enough to print on a card or
wall-hanging; now it hovers in my thoughts, almost accusingly.

I don't pretend to be a failure; I have succeeded in some
things, done well in my career and still have some potential…but much of my
life is rather ordinary, and at this moment in my life I feel comforted by that.I have left it behind for greater pursuits,
but now feel called to re-learn what ordinary life is all about.And the most important part of ordinary life
I need to re-discover is my faith.

I have read the stories of wonder and miracles and have heard
of the grandeur of God through the words of those who have seen it first-hand…but
most of us won't see the Red Sea part or follow a column of fire through a
desert; we won't see the dead raised and the blind restored to sight.For you and me, God comes to us in the ordinary
-- the cry of a baby, the love of a woman, the bonds of friendship, the grass
under our feet, the sun on our backs.The grandeur of God's love appears ordinary precisely because it
surrounds and envelopes us day-in and day-out.It is quite nearly routine…and in that routine I have become
indifferent, even bored -- because I didn't see it.

I have always struggled to believe that God loves
me.I feel a need to earn it, prove my
worth before deserving it, which is so contrary to what I have been
taught.I expected His love to be shown
in some magnanimous, extraordinary way.Now I am beginning to see that in its constant, abiding presence God's
love for me is just…ordinary.Perhaps
that is the most extraordinary thing of all.

The journey is long and we are indeed blessed to be married men and fathers who are loved by our families. Mary Jane and I attended a Retrouvaille at one point which we found helpful. It is based on the Marriage Encounter format. Have you considered Marriage Encounter?

The LORD bless you and keep you!The LORD let his face shine uponyou, and be gracious to you!The LORD look upon you kindly andgive you peace!