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Duh, 'Downton Abbey' Is Totally Making You a Secret Republican

Even if you voted for President Obama, do you find yourself resenting him all the sudden? Are you inexplicably longing for the Bush era and ruing the day you marked your ballot for Barack instead of good ol’ Mitt Romney? Are your dreams filled with the sweet, musical timbre of Ronald Reagan? Well, then you might just be watching too much Downton Abbey, according to British economic journalist Stuart Varney. The Masterpiece Classic is apparently dipping into our subconscious minds — and the result? We’re becoming secret right-wingers. In related news, it's been proven that watching Jersey Shore will turn your skin orange.

Varney stopped by Fox and Friends for his usual segment about, you know, economics, and set his sights instead on the PBS series, saying that the antics at the Downton estate are mucking things up for left-wing politics (video below). ”Rich people are reviled. They’re dismissed as fat cats who don’t pay their fair share. We just hate ‘em. Rich people are evil. And yet, along comes this show, Downton Abbey [with] rich people dominantly featured. And they’re nice people. They’re generous. They create jobs for people. They’ve got style, they’re classy and we love ‘em. That show is wildly popular … It poses a threat to the left. The left says, ‘You gotta hate these people.’ But popular America watches a show that says these people are okay."Right. Because A) All rich people are Republicans, duh. B) Every liberal person hates rich people (transitive property’d!) C) If you think someone is swell and has serious swag, you automatically agree with all their political beliefs D) If you think rich people are humans, you've got to be right-wing. Varney knows how people think, okay?

What’s more, Gretchen Carlson (who only realizes that Downton Abbey is not actually spelled D-o-w-n-t-o-w-n during this segment) actually makes more sense than Varney. “I don’t think everyone in America hates rich people. But could it also be the theory that people are just sick and tired of stupidity on reality TV and they’re watching something that brings about beautiful pictures of relatively smart people in historical eras?” But Varney doesn’t listen to her. Silly woman, how dare you counter Varney’s irrefutable theory with something as preposterous as sound logic?! To that I say: Mr. Varney, how dare you say something so absurd that I’m forced to actually agree with Carlson, a woman who's famously allergic to things like encyclopaedias, dictionaries, newspapers, and facts?

Luckily, Varney’s got a friend in co-host Steve Doocy who steps up to support his claim and inadvertently contradicts the Downton-Republican-brain-washing theory: “Here’s the thing. The entire town loves the rich guy who lives in the abbey because he provides the jobs, he looks out for everybody, he provides free medical care for everybody. Without him … the place would go belly up.” Yeah, did you notice that part about free medical care? Last time I checked, that was a left-wing priority. But yeah, you guys go ahead and terrify us some more with your foolproof theory about how left-wingers all suddenly love rich people now and have no problem with them paying lower taxes or shooting down universal health care. Go ahead. Please.

Downton Abbey will continue its subconscious assault this Sunday on PBS when the Earl of Grantham combats women’s rights by becoming enraged over Edith’s new column about women’s rights. Just try to escape that without hoping they repeal equal voting rights among the sexes. We dare you.