Archive for the ‘Shrinking Shine’ Category

Try not to laugh, okay? But I just signed up for half-marathon training.

I don’t run.

I have arthritis in my hips. I’m nearly asthmatic. I just don’t run.

And yet…I’m running.

Okay, let’s be real. It would be insulting to those who run to call what I’m doing “running.” But I’m out there. My legs are propelling me forward. I’m wheezing. It’s running, damn it.

What I want to say is this: You people who run? Stop lying. This is not easy, it’s not effortless, and you aren’t “slow.” I’m slow. You wanna know what slow looks like? Come run with me. Do not tell me you’re slow and then tell me you run an 8-minute mile. That may be slow for the Olympics, but it’s not slow.

Yeah, I’m even looking at you 10-minute milers. And you 12-minute milers. All of you can suck it.

Oh, I can run at a 12-minute mile pace. For about 8 minutes. Then I will die.

And the phrase “let your legs do the work” does nothing for me. Nothing. Either I don’t know what that means or you don’t know what that means, but it’s not helping me at all. I’m not running with my hands here. Of course my legs are doing the work. I fail to see how that’s making this any easier, unless you can devise a way that my lungs don’t have to get in on the party.

Also, that Couch-2-5K you’ve all been raving about? That is bullshit. I’m sorry, but that jump in week three or whatever where you go from running 3 minutes to running 12 minutes? That is not the stuff of couch potato land. And I’m not even a couch potato. And that’s on top of the fact that they pretend that you can do either the distance or time tracks and come out the same.

Let me break this down for you: If I can run at a 10-minute mile pace? You’re right. I can indeed run three miles in 30 minutes. If I am, however, a couch potato, I probably cannot run a 10-minute mile, NOW CAN I? So if I choose your time method (which is by far the easiest thing to do if I’m running outside and I’ll get to the evil that is the treadmill in a second), I’m just learning to run for 30 minutes and probably ending up about a mile from the finish line.

No thank you, sir.

Never mind the depressing fact that I could run for 30 solid minutes and still not cover three miles. Someone get me some happy pills!

Here are a few of things I have learned in this journey:

1. Save for a very few out-of-the-box thinkers, there is no one who knows what a “beginner” is in the world of running.

2. There is such a thing as running too slow, and it is killer on my calves.

3. When trying to run with someone else, it’s possible that you just might slow each other down instead of speeding each other up.

4. Not everyone was made for running. If you’re one of us (oh, yeah, I’m a BIG member), this will hurt more than a little.

5. Read up on running, but then find what works for you. This whole stop/start/run/walk thing? Ain’t my cup of tea. Also, I like distances not time. See above gripe about C25K.

6. The treadmill is evil. I am not a hamster and I do not want to run for 30 minutes and still be in the same place. No one ever ran a race on a treadmill. Grab your big girl/boy panties and hit the pavement. You’ll thank me later.

7. Get fitted for shoes. I’m serious when I tell you that shoes are more important than…well, pretty much everything. I mean, besides water and breathing.

8. Join a local running club. They’re usually pretty cheap, I think, and you could get some cool bonuses; coupons, advice, free races, etc. Plus, then you know there’s someone out there suffering with you (and if you think everyone else is having too much fun, drag one of your friends along). Having scheduled times to run with other people has helped me in the motivation department. Except on Saturday mornings.

If you think you might want to start running, it’s okay to start slow. Really slow. REALLY slow. Even if you can only run for 30 seconds, you can improve. And running is built with a beautiful reward system. Of pain. No, I keed. I don’t. It’s painful. But it’s easy to tell when you’re improving. A little more time, a little more distance, a little less feeling like death? Those things are all improvements, so reward yourself. With a massage, as all your muscles will be aching.

And not that you care, but this is my running plan (I’m starting today, so I have no idea if this will work, but I’ve tried all the “expert” advice and just feel like a failure):

Figure out how long I can run at my natural pace (which is about a 12-minute mile).

Run five days a week. Mondays and Fridays are for resting. Sorry, Christian God, I’m running on Sunday.

Add one minute to my time every time I run, if I can. If not, at least run as long as I did the day before. (This will pretty much equal out to me adding on 1/4 of a mile a week, which is pretty typical, and it’s just easier to measure the time outside.)

Walk the rest of the way, but do a full 35 minutes every time.

Anything I run on the back end is just bonus, and will be done after the 35 minutes.

Do this until I can comfortably run a 5K.

In two weeks, I will also be starting half-marathon training. I know that I can walk 13.1 miles, if I need to, so I know I can finish, even if I’m not a super duper runner yet. The idea of me training for a half-marathon is just…ridiculous. To me. But damn it, I am going to finish it, even if I have to walk.

I’ve kind of had enough, y’all. Stop being hateful to fat people. They’re not DOING ANYTHING TO YOU.

Yes, it’s completely possible to not be fat. Yes, I get that it’s not always so pretty. But seriously, fuck off. It’s not affecting you. And don’t even start talking to me about your health care premiums. Be pissed off at insurance companies.

That fat person you’re making fun of? That person has feelings, too. And believe me, he or she is beating himself up more than you could for basically everything consumed. You’re not helping, you’re just being an asshole.

Think for a second about how you would feel if someone criticized everything you ate. Or drank. Or wore. Maybe you already do this to yourself. Stop taking your own issues and insecurities out on those who weigh more than you.

While we’re at it, you skinny folk can maybe stop complaining about being fat in front of those of us who are larger than you. I get that you have issues and insecurities, too. That’s fine. Feel free to express them. But while trying on clothes with your size 12 friend, please think before you complain about having to get a size 4 instead of a size 2. A little consideration goes a long way.

And look, a fashion faux pas is a fashion faux pas. I’m not saying that it’s awful to be a little horrified by the woman in the bright yellow shirt and the see-through leggings, no matter what size she is. I’m all for making fun of people. But a larger person eating a cheeseburger shouldn’t be cause for your rude commentary. There’s nothing about it that affects you or anyone else.

The fact that our society and culture is so obsessed with thin-ness is really frightening. Being attractive is 75% about being thin (maybe more, maybe less, depending on where you live). It almost doesn’t even matter what your face looks like, as long as you’re not fat. Certainly, the focus is no longer on intelligence or kindness or being a decent human. Just be skinny. (I know not everyone feels this way, I’m speaking about the overall, general feeling of things in the country right now, not about you personally.)

I wouldn’t consider myself fat, but I’m not a tiny person. I wear a size 12. I try to eat healthy, I work out, I try to stay active. Size 10 – 12 happens to be where my body is the most comfortable.

And yet, while walking home from the bar several months ago, some dude felt the need to yell that I was fat. To me. From across the street.

So to those of you who feel the need to make fat people feel like they are less than human, maybe you should think about what it says about you that you find that acceptable. What are we doing to you?

I’m so overwhelmed and excited about the participation in Women’s Writes Day. Marie and I can’t thank you guys enough. If you missed out on any of the awesome posts, click back to Monday’s post and scroll to the bottom for all the links. If I missed you, please let me know and I’ll add you in!

Marie and I are putting our heads together to decide if and what we want this to be. A monthly thing? A yearly thing? Something else entirely? We’re not sure yet, but if you’d like to be kept in the loop, please let us know. We certainly don’t want to bother anyone who’d rather not participate, but we don’t want to leave anyone out, either.

Something else to note: Tomorrow will be the last of LiLu’sTMI Thursdays. While some of you may be jumping for joy that you don’t have to avoid the entire blogosphere for fear of tossing your cookies (I’m looking at you @LexaLemmy ), I know plenty of us are sad to see it go. After having done Women’s Writes yesterday, I can only imagine what LiLu’s EVERY THURSDAY must be like, so I completely understand. But why don’t we all help it go out with a bang? I know I’m going to put my TMI thinking cap on!

AND now it’s my turn.

Last Sunday, I stepped on the scale to see what a week of Jillian Michaels and three days of veganism had done to the horrific number that was my weight. I looked down, and pretty much jumped off the scale. I shook my head and cleared my eyes, because…that number just COULDN’T be right.

I stepped on the scale again. Same number. I was still puzzled.

Because the scale said I had lost 13 pounds. THIRTEEN POUNDS. IN ONE WEEK. YES, I’M GOING TO BE ALL SHOUTY ABOUT IT.

Of course, I promptly stopped doing the Shred for the last two days, because this week is SUPER HECTIC. Jillian, I promise I’ll be back. Don’t kill me.

And today? Today, my lovely readers, I’m wearing my “skinny” jeans. They don’t fit as well as they did before, but I’m wearing them and I can breathe. And I’ll be honest, they’re no one’s idea of skinny. But they’re MY skinny jeans. And I’m so happy to be wearing them, because they’re also my favorite pair of jeans EVER.

I’m sure most of you know about a little group project (organized by the ever more fabulous, but still skinny bitch, LiLu) called In It To Gym It. If you don’t, click the link.

Basically, a bunch of us feel pretty out of shape and awfully alone about the whole thing. So we’re trying to support and motivate each other via blog. Since, ya know, most of us don’t live in the same city.

Much as I hate to do this, you can read my first post on In It To Gym It here. And then I don’t want to hear anything about it, mkay? I feel about as vulnerable posting that sort of thing as I did posting my Violence Unsilenced post. When you think about that, it’s kind of sad.

So here’s the plan. Just so you bitches can hold me accountable. We’re all going to Vegas in May, and I? Would like to not feel like hiding the whole time I’m there. I hate that it’s something we so easily judge others for, but we do. And right now, I’m feeling really yuck about nearly everything in my life. So my weight is going to come off. Starting now.

Well, starting yesterday, really.

I’m doing Jillian Michaels’s 30-Day Shred. Everyday. No, not five or six days a week. EVERYDAY. For at least 30 days. I started yesterday, and let me tell you…I’ve never cursed at anyone as much as I cursed at Jillian. I think she likes it. (I’m going to write up a post about my workout yesterday at In It To Gym It. I’ll post a link on my Twitter, if you want to follow along. Or you can just read it yourself, here!)

The other part of the plan is that, for the month of April, I’m going vegan. Yes, VEGAN. Now, don’t worry. This is not going to suddenly cause me to care about cows and stuff. I’m not going to start preaching to you about the junk you put in your mouth (TWSS). I just want to see how my body will feel if I stop feeding it so much crap.

I’m hoping that this will at least break me of my greasy food habit, as it’s hard to eat greasy vegetables. I know for a fact that red meat and pork hurt my stomach. I was eating a primarily pescatarian diet for a while, and I felt so much better.

I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t I just go vegetarian? And the answer, my friends, is CHEESE. And dairy products in general. I want to see how my body feels if I cut out the dairy. And I want to stop myself from eating cheese with everything. This will also make baked goods a serious problem. Because I’ve never met a baked good without eggs.

Since the goal is to lose weight, I chose to try something that I felt would assist me in my goal. And it’s only for a month. After the month is over, depending on how I feel, I will probably slowly add fish (possibly chicken) and dairy back into my diet. But hopefully the dairy will be in smaller doses.

If any of you guys are vegan and have any great recipes or tips to share, I would love to hear from you! Drop me a line at shine [at] ishineoutloud [dot] com.

Read it again, Sam.

If you tip the Sonic Girl…oh, hell, even if you don’t.

I write for you. I rap for you (that one time, but c'mon, it was awesome). I make you laugh.

If any of that inspires you to, say, buy me a virtual drink, clicking that button up there will take you to PayPal. I will send so many happy thoughts in your general direction.

This money will not go to help the homeless or feed the hungry, but it just might get me drunk enough to do stupid things for your entertainment. Or buy me sexy toys. Just sayin'.

Don't worry, I already feel like an asshole. But GingerMandy talked me into it (I'm pretty sure it was my idea. Because no one will do a telethon for me.) after she foisted a really complicated budget sheet on me and now my head hurts.