RUH-ROH. Imagine our surprise, chagrin, and/or utter embarrassment when — thanks to a less than subtle “nudge-nudge” from our very dear friend, TAN LUCY PEZ — we were reminded that today, of ALL the days in all the months of each and every stinking year is our pal DOUG‘S40THBIRTHDAY!!! (that’s, like, 280 in dog years… you know, old)

WEA (in our heads, that’s plural for “mea”) culpa, you CRUSTY CURMUDGEON, you. That said, surely you can recall the fact that some of us DID see fit to wish you a Happy Happy Joy Joy this time LAST YEAR, Shirley — and in a rather grand fasion, at that. Or is it difficult to remember stuff like that at your age? (careful boy, say word one about our own “advanced” years, and we will hurt you… we may be older, but we also carry bigger sticks)

PS: a more resourceful blog would hang on to the post we did earlier in order to use it later this week. We, however, are too lazy to do that. (our way of saying please read it, because our son took all of 3 minutes out of his not-so-busy day to find/send us that video, and we think it’s really cute) 😉

OH woe is us!! Last night before tucking ourselves in bed, we sneaked a peek into the Snarky queueueue (que who?) and could have sworn we saw one of CRUMMY (tho SO not) JOEL’s hilarious and perfectly wonderful posts in there, but now it’s gone. Gone we tell ya, GONE! And with it, all our hopes for not having to write a post of our own.

Naturally, had we bothered to also sneak a peek at our email (253 “messages” and counting), we’d have found Crummy(ish)Joel’s crummy(er) note sitting right next to an offer for DryerBalls (which we believe we will be ordering, if only to say we have them). But, as we’re so often wont to do when thinking about Unfortunate Product names, we digress. The point, which came thisclose to being rolled over by a fluffy and oh-so-dry ball, is that our good friend did send us an email, which read a little something like this:

I’m afraid I’m gonna be in no conscious state to write any sort of coherent (the Snark is coherent?) post for tomorrow.Unless you don’t mind me just pimping the fact that it’s the last day to preorder my book. (Joel, you clever whore)

Anyhow, if you want something funny and snarky tomorrow, I’m afraid I’m not your guy. And I even have a topic, just not a state of mind to write it. (is it about sneaky/snot filled bastards? and/or their f*cky parents who send ’em to school in hopes of infecting their math teacher in order to prevent him from writing an award winning postinstead of pimping his book?)

THE very good news: his surgeon is one of the best in the tri-state area.

THE scary news: his vertebra was shattered, his left leg numb, and his hip, fractured.

THE reassuring news: in a few months he’ll be walking without the aid of leg braces and crutches.

THE terrifying news: that surgery lasted over 5 nerve-wracking hours.

THE comforting news: he came through with flying colors.

THE annoying news: he’ll be in the hospital for at least a week, and physical therapy for months.

THE awesome/silver-lining news: he has to quit smoking, otherwise his bones will never heal.

JUST a wee bit o’ silliness to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes. So sorry to be a bother, and so comforted and humbled by everyone’s kindness. We (in this case, BoBo & Snuppy) are grateful to have such caring friends, even tho’ some are, but, “virtual”. Trust us, that’s merely a detail, and doesn’t make you any less “real” in our eyes and/or hearts. The Snark will get back to some semblance of regular posting when it gets back to some semblance of regular posting. In other words, eventually. What… doesn’t that make sense? Well, not to sound too snarky and/or yippy, but not much about today has. (made sense, that is)

also, many thanks to the delicious Miz BoheMia (aka Catty Yummy Mummy) for pitch hitting so deftly and delightfully on Thursday. That said, so, amiga, this is what it takes to pull you out of Snarky retirement?? Yikes. (kidding, we kid)

~snuppy

Laughter is no accident on Humor-blogs.com. (which happens to be a grand place to grab a smile, especially when they’re in short order, elsewhere.)

BELIEVE it, or not, we’re working on a shiny new post, even as we type this crappy little notice. Unfortunately, due to a minor wrinkle in our schedule, we’re running late. Stay tuned… we promise we’ll be sexing it up in here, any minute now. Just give us a moment to catch our breath. (that’s what she said)

THAT said, is it wrong to complain about having to do our own freaking housework because Not-Hazel informed us upon her arrival that she had to leave “early” today — then spent 2 hours telling us details about her latest family woes, before skipping off to clean someone else’s house — only after stopping off, first, to deposit our check? Or are we, like DIESEL, merely a tragic fucktard dingleberry on the Tree of Our Own Life? (don’t answer that)

I know I told you I’d write a clever and/or hilarious post for the Snark this week, but, what with my new “BOOK” coming out, and that house I have to “build”, and, um, my own clever and/or hilarious blog, I’m afraid I just don’t have enough time. You know how it is… all work and no beer makes Homer something something, and all that rot. Still, I hope you’re not too depressed by the fact you may actually have to write something yourself. Ha ha. Oh, I realize that whatever YOU put together won’t be nearly as hilarious and/or clever as the posts I make up while I’m pouring cement and/or stopped by the side of the road taking a piss, but give it a shot. Maybe you’ll luck out ‘n hit on something worth a chuckle or two. Probably not, but at least you’ll have tried. And isn’t that what counts? Actually, no, but that’s beside the point. The point, which I accidentally dumped into my cement mix, is that I simply have NO time to write a post for the Snark this week. Clever and/or Hilarious… and/or otherwise.

PS: Remember, you may not always have me to pump up the “reader” volume around here, but you’ll always have Pumaman (a lá MST3K). So, you know, that and a bag of popcorn and/or peanut M&M’s might make you happy for a minute or 8.

*** *** *** *** *** ***

NO, this isn’t a verbatim reprint of the e-mail we received. But it’s close, and could have been exactly what he wrote, had we demanded to get something outta that ungrateful young whippersnapper we took under our, um, sidebar a few months ago. That said, the following video IS one he sent last week — along with a similar e-mail — in hopes of lifting our spirits and/or getting off the posting hook. That Diesel… Kind of hard to stay annoyed with someone when they’re A) so nice, B) so funny, C) so sure to do a clever and/or hilarious post for us… any day now. Hey, we bought no fewer than 8 copies of his “book” (our sister bought a couple, too, which surely means we’re responsible for at least 10, Shirley) We’re thinkin’ he owes us… BIG TIME. At least in our heads he does. In real life? Probably not so much.

*That’s right, your eyes don’t lie… we can be (sort of) clever and/or (almost) hilarious, too. Witness our efforts to turn Diesel’s “Simpsonized” picture into an “avatar” for the purposes of “pimping” A) his clever blog, B) his “hilarious book“, and C) the fact that we’re in the running for this week’s clever and/or hilarious caption contest, and, dammit, to date we’ve managed to garner a pathetic 3% of the votes. Not that we’re bitter, mind you, but would it be asking too freaking much of our one or two Very Good Friends to throw us a couple of stinkin’ “vote bones”? So help us Jeebus, we’d do the same for them (and/or you), unless, of course, they (and/or you) were in the running, too.

DOUBLE D’OH!!!: It’s Snuppy and Bobo’s Anniversary today! So wish ’em all the happiness in your comments. They make marriage look like a walk in the park (without mosquito bites). LOVELOVELOVE to them both.

SADLY, it is so. Young Diesel’s been too busy to favor us with a post for the past few weeks, yet he somehow managed to scratch out a moderately amusing paragraph OVER HERE. Bastard. Good thing we didn’t see that last week when we were A) scrambling for something to put up here, B) heading up to Boston with TEH PENGUIN, even as we worried about what we were about to put up here, and/or C) worrying while we were walking the Freedom Trail in 153 degree heat, because we wrote something really pathetic and feared no one would leave a comment, or even worse, bother to come back when we eventually had something better to offer (LAMPSHA’S Saturday Spins notwithstanding, because, let’s face it, those are always fabulous. And, of course, CRUMMYJOEL’S hilarious weekly offerings have been anything but crummy, and continue to get more hilarious with each passing week. But, as we’re wont to do when thinking about our faithful and/or talented contributors, we digress*).

ONCE we wiped the sweat from all that worry and/or heat off our furrowed brow, we managed to have a great time in Boston (until we got sick, that is), but that’s beside the point. The point, which is as obvious as the fakey smile on our face, (just above our fevered brow), is that Diesel cheated on us, and we’re beside ourselves with dismay. Fortunately, it’s now August, and “dis” May has come and gone, and we’re moving on with our lives, or, at the very least, dis post. More or less. (mostly less)

WHAT can we say? We’re buying his stupid shirts. We’re pimping his stupid book. Heck, we were so desperate to get him back, we even offered to babysit for free should he ever decide to take his beautiful (and, we suspect, faithful) wife on a proper trip. What the hell does a blog have to do to win back the other man in it’s life? We’ll tell you what: nothing. That’s right, we’re not gonna do anything. Let him have his flings. Let him dazzle other blogs with his wit and/or weirdness. We’ll wait. He’ll come back, eventually. They always do.

~snuppy

*Speaking of “talented and/or faithful” — not to mention fabulous — contributors, we should note that the delicious and/or funkified CATTY YUMMY MUMMY naturally gets a “posting pass”, thanks to her recent cross-continental move. That said, we highly suggest watching her most recent videos, because they are nothing short of brilliant. And we’re certain the precocious and/or highly acclaimed author of steamy novels, THE LITTLE BLUE PILL, will see fit to favor us with another of her clever/hilarious sex-related posts any day now, as soon as she can pry her head out of the clouds. That said, who can blame her for being up there in the first place, after receiving such a fabulous review? (well done, girlfriend, well done!)

…you feel like a post. Sometimes you feel like a post-it. Sometimes you feel like a Post Toastie — but only after spending copious amounts of time outside, under the hot hot sun. And sometimes, you feel like ramming your head into a post. Especially when you’ve got nothing to post.

Sometimes you feel like a ghost. Then you look in the mirror and wonder why your hips don’t disappear. HAHAHA.