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Thursday, October 27, 2011

Halloween and Pirates!

With Halloween just around the corner I want to talk about
my favorite costume when I was a wee lad. It seemed cool because I got to carry a sword, wear raggedy clothes, and only had to
use one eye. However, kids should not be allowed to dress like Pirates.

My parents were not responsible for dressing me like a pirate. It was my choice. I was well aware of the ramifications. However I do not take responsibility for Skeletor, Batman, the Lion, nor the Pumpkin.

One of these groups contains inappropriate Halloween costumes. Can you tell how these groups are divided and what makes some costumes inappropriate? They both have good and bad characters. For instance, Lady Bugs are harmless, Darth
Vador is evil and oppresses galaxies, Buzz Lightyear saves galaxies, Vampires suck your
blood (and according to Twilight they play one hell of a game of baseball), and
OJ Simpson kills white people and defensive backs.

Possibly the worst movie scene in history

If it doesn't fit, you must acquit. I believe thelesson learned here is that if you are going tocommit a crime wear gloves that are a littletoo small and leave them at the crime scene.And get a jury that read a lot of Doctor Seuss.

Why do the good ones always have vice?

If you didn't notice, group one consists of fictional
characters. This is why it is okay to dress your kid up as a witch or vampire because,
although they are evil creatures, they are fictional. Please don't argue with me
about this. You cannot dress your kid up as a Real evil person. You would probably
get a visit from social services if you had your child dress up like Casey
Anthony, a rapist, or your friendly neighborhood child molester (don't get me
wrong child molestation is an egregious crime but they usually are very
friendly).

A pirate by definition steals and plunders innocent people. It is also commonplace for them to rape and murder. Somehow Johnny Depp, Captain Morgan, and One Eyed Willie managed to glorify the deptiction of pirates to the point where it is socially acceptable. Nobody seems to care that they're kidnapping and killing civilians off the coast. Just make sure next time you think twice before sending your kid out dressed as a thieving, raping, murdering pirate.

Although its been rumored. I can neither confirm nor
deny the Captains Pirateness

Great movie but it should have been rated ARRRRRR!

If you have serious questions relating to Halloween or anything else don't be afraid to ask. Have a safe Halloween!

I'm kind of torn. She'd make a great girlfriend.
Just not sure she'd be the ideal mother to my children.

Halloween weekend used to be my favorite weekend of the year. I say "used to" because in my advanced age I am no longer able to participate in these activities. Here's some reasons why:

A. It's the one day of the year when girls get to dress how they really want and don't have to worry about being called a skank.
B. The bar stays open an extra hour because of daylight savings.
C. The only time in life when you can get a complete redo. You could have gotten dumped by your girlfriend, spilt a drink on yourself, been rejected by the slutty nurse, or got beat up in an embarrassing fight. It doesn't matter because any mistakes between 1am and 2am are automatically reset. That hour never happened and you get a second chance to make everything right.