The NHL Awards Show is like a legal abortion that you can’t look away from.

Unfortunately I watched that piece of shit show every year and every year I write the same fucking thing because it never gets better. I’m not sure why the NHL subjects itself to such ridicule but putting on this award show, but it needs to stop. Everything about it is wrong. The hosts suck. The presenters suck. THEY HAVE FUCKING NICKLEBACK PLAYING.

NICKLEBACK!!

Is there anything less cringe-worthy then Chad Kroeger’s weird girlish hair and pedophile come-hither looks? I feel like when he’s not singing about photographs, he’s driving around in a red van that has some sort of shitty Nickleback montage sprayed on it asking people at red lights for autographs. He’s better off just driving around to parks in a van that reads “rape van” on the side. People would be more receptive to a rape van then a Nickleback van.

Can the NHL do anything right outside of playing hockey? The answer is no, they can’t. First they have Clay Aiken perform at an All-Star Game. Then they have 3 Doors Down perform at an All-Star Game. Then they have Nickleback playing throughout the entire fucking playoffs. What asshole was sitting in the NHL offices listening to Nickleback when Gary Bettman walked by and said “Ya know, this is great hockey music!” because whoever it is should be fired. Then set on fire.

It’s not just the music or the awkward moments where the winning hockey player stands there because he has no idea what to do, it’s also how bad the presenters are. First off, don’t get Erin Andrews to ever do anything because she’s terrible at her job. She’s so bad that no other company wants her and one rival executive stated “I’d never hire her”. So yeah, lets use her to introduce Joshua Jackson as fucking Charlie from the Mighty Ducks, a film he starred in 10 years ago. Then lets use Jackson and have him making a terrible joke about “puck up to the boss” or some shit like that.

Who wrote these jokes? Did the NHL reach out to a Kindergarten class and ask them for their best jokes?

Ugh, the NHL awards is trash...

Where’s all the Dora related humor that these little fucks like?

The most gleaming part of the awards show was when it ended. I’m sure I missed something “funny”, although its hard to judge something funny by Twitter because if Dustin Brown sharts all the fan girls write retarded things like “THATS SO PRESH” and “OMG WHAT EVEN!” or the infamous “WHAT IS THIS?!” so who the fuck knows. Some people were saying the Shanahan stuff that happened was funny, but I guess there was multiple moments of it so apparently the writers of the show can only write one joke multiple times.

I’ve heard that Will Arnett was hilarious, but that’s because he’s GOB Bluthe and can do no wrong.

But seriously, can we please stop with award shows in general. No one should care who wins an Oscar because it doesn’t effect you personally. If one movie beats out another movie, does that ruin your day? If it does, you should just hang yourself and end this miserable existence you call a life. Same with a Tony, a Golden Globe and a Grammy. If Zac Brown Band, who I absolutely love listening to, loses a Grammy to some shitty country music artist, I don’t get all bent out of shape about it. In fact, I don’t care.

It’s the same with “the red carpet”. “OOOOOOOH KRISTEN STEWART, WHO ARE YOU WEARING TO HIDE YOUR DISGUSTING MAN-FACE?!” If you care what these people are wearing, then I feel sorry for you. Honestly, I do. It’s the same with hockey players. Not one fuck is given to what Zdeno Chara is wearing because no one I know is tall enough to fit in it. I don’t care what Erik Karlsson has to say when he won the Norris, except that he should’ve given it back because the trophy is now a sham (more on that in an upcoming post).

I think all the presenters got the names right this year, so that’s a plus. Unlike last year when the real housewives of some shitty county got Pavel Datsyuk’s name wrong (or at least I think it was him).

God, you have the real housewives presenting a hockey award.

How does this make any sense?

KILL IT NHL. KILL IT WITH FIRE. (Thanks to BGW for the Scorpio footage)