Twenty-seven US cheerleaders have lodged a class
action suit against Red Bull, claiming the popular pop made them pregnant

Not content with suing the pants off each other
for wearing the same dress to the prom, or running over a Prada handbag
with an SUV, the litigious daughters of America have lodged a class
action suit against the Austrian manufacturer of Red Bull,
after twenty-seven cheerleaders
from Texas complained the popular pop made them pregnant.

Red Bull is already under investigation in Essex — or
some other postage-stamp sized English county no American has ever heard
of — after hundreds of young women acquired unexpected love-bundles
after knocking back cans of the energy drink at an all night rave in
Romford earlier this year.

The Essex
girls all became pregnant after collapsing on the dance floor. One
distraught mother-to-be, who asked to remain anonymous, but insisted
we call her 'Sharon', told us her legs just gave way without any warning.
"The next thing I knew I was lying on me back in the car park wivout
me knickers." Six weeks later she discovered she was pregnant.
But unlike their American counterparts the plucky British lasses are
sanguine about their condition. As 'Sharon' (19¼) explained over
a Macchiato and Bacardi Breezer: "If I make a fuss they'll only
cut me benefit and give the flat to some stupid tart"
"Benefit?" we asked.

"Yeah," she replied with a pout, crossing her tanned legs
and flicking back a strand of blond hair. "£198.74 a week
aint to be sneezed at. Then there's all the extra dosh for maternity
clothes, and the groovy flat. It's even got satellite telly and a whirlpool
bath. It's dead kewl. Why would I wanna throw all that away on the off
chance of sticking it to some faceless Austrian bloody drinks company?"

Why indeed. We put this very question to the attorney acting for the
twenty-seven cheerleaders from the aptly-named town of Cumby, in Texas.
"The situation is different over here," sniffed the fat American,
fidgeting nervously with her purse.
"You mean because it's legal in Texas for a woman to carry a gun
in her purse, but not a vibrator?" we asked.
"No!" replied the lawyer, hurriedly snapping shut her purse
with a strangled cry. "Because we don't get your free, friggin'
welfare. These kids have had their lives ruined by Red Bull
and we're gonna go after the criminals who make the stuff for every
cent they've got."

"Don't you think that alcohol might have played a part in these
girls getting pregnant?" we asked her.
"Excuse me?" she retorted defensively. "Millions of American
girls have a few beers on Prom night and theydon't
get pregnant."
So what's in Red Bull that made these cheerleaders pregnant?"
"Taurine — a powerful amino acid known to neutralize sperm."
"So why aren't other women getting pregnant from drinking this
stuff?"
"Maybe they don't eat cheeseburgers."
"Cheeseburgers?" we asked.
"The girls from Cumby all had a cheeseburger with their Red
Bull after the Prom."
"What's that got to with it?"
"Jeez, you Brits are dumb," snapped the attorney. "The
contraceptive properties of Tuarine are only triggered when it reacts
with cheese to produce antibodies that attack sperm."

"Does that mean you'll be going after McDonald's next?"
"You bet!" retorted the woman, rubbing her hands together.
"I have the papers right here. You wanna see them?"
"Maybe later," we replied.