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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Blame It On the Ten Story Drop, Not the Giant Underwear

I may be responsible for the possible
engagement and subsequent marriage of the Adorable Young Couple I met
last night. It is quite satisfying, the knowledge that you may have
manipulated someone to make a life altering choice, and I had not
felt that devious sense of accomplishment in a very long time. I
suppose you need a little back story.

Years ago, when our children were
toddlers and we were trapped – devoted – to providing for their
every whim while finding no time to express our own individuality,
my husband and I would conduct tiny experiments in human nature. We
would pack up the kids, take a picnic lunch and stake out a
picturesque spot at a local park. There we would eat and play and lie
in wait. As soon as we spotted an unsuspecting young couple, with too
much disposable income and free time, jogging towards us we would
spring to action. One of our kids would run past the joggers, make a
wide loop and head back toward the picnic where my husband would grab
the tot, swing him or her into the air causing the kid to shriek with
laughter and a giggle filled 'I wuv you Daddy!'. The other would
nuzzle into my lap and wave shyly at the joggers, who would now be
stopped in their tracks and smiling at such unabashed cuteness. I
swear, you could hear the biological alarm clock.

It felt great knowing that we had
managed to take two more down with us.

Fast forward to last night and the
doomed couple.

As a way to shake up our dinner club –
six comfortably over twenty-year-old friends who get together every
couple of months for a meal, some wine and the occasional heated
conversation – we went to the City Museum. If you have never been
just try imagining Dr. Seuss on acid with some help from Louis
Carroll and a dash of Tim Burton. There are no words to describe the
wonderful craziness except to say that IT IS NOT A MUSEUM. It is home
to (for starters) the World's Largest Underpants and No 2 Pencil, an interior cave system and my nemesis, the Ten Story Slide.

It was at the top of the Ten Story
Slide – which was accesses by a climb of ten stories through near
claustrophobic tunnels – that we met The Adorable Couple. They were
twenty-somethings at the Museum to celebrate his birthday. We began
talking after I broke up some smoochers who were holding up the line.
Adorable Girl informed us that there was NO WAY she was going to kiss
Adorable Guy as he was all sweaty. We reminded her that Adorable Guy
had brought her to this awesome place on a date so he might be a
contender for Cool Guy of the Year. Adorable Guy informed us that it
was in fact Adorable Girl who had brought him to this very spot, ten
stories above the circular ramps of the old shoe factory, surrounded
by a wall of old specimen pans and carbonation canisters overlooking
a pipe organ which appears to be hanging in mid air. We discussed the
pros and cons of such a date as well as the anxiety ramping up in all
of us as we waited to shoot down the abyss.

Adorable Girl went first.

The museum has a camera positioned at
the bottom of the slide. It is suppose to allow the Slide Monitor a
way to be sure the last body – guest – has cleared the slide
before the next victim – guest takes a turn. And we all joined
Adorable Guy as he waited for her to emerge from the gaping maw at
the bottom. When she arrived intact he took off. And much to our
delight, upon landing he jumped up and into the arms of Adorable Girl
who proceeded to plant a Hollywood Kiss* right on his lips. We cheered appropriately and with enough vigor to cover my screams as I took my
turn.

We ran into the Couple later that
evening. They congratulated us on making it down alive and then they
said the words every over ^&*% year old wants to hear – 'Wow,
you guys all did it? You are way cooler than our parents. All they do
is sit at home and watch TV.'

They then gazed into the other's eyes
and without speaking said the words – 'When we are their age we too
will be the most awesome married people ever!'

My husband and I smiled. Its good to
know we still got it.

*Hollywood Kiss: the act of kissing
someone just like in the movies; usually accompanied by lifting one
foot, dipping the kissee or in extreme instances jumping up and
wrapping both legs around the kisser. Not recommended for casual use.

The Ten Story Slide does indeed take
you down ten stories on a twisting ramp once used to deposit shoes
into bins in the basement of the factory. The line to take your turn
averages about fifteen minutes. It takes approximately forty seconds
and three breaths to scream all the way to the bottom. I could not
get a picture of the slide as it is in part of the cave portion of
the museum and pretty dimly lit so instead I give you THE WORLD'S
LARGEST UNDERPANTS:

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I'm a landlocked beach bum here on the Coast of Illinois. No...not that Coast, you know, the one with broad shoulders. The other Coast. The one with tug boats and Arches and a bunch of ancient dead guys buried in Mounds.
I am an inadvertent sailor-thanks to my husband and our 15 foot handmade wooden sloop...for which I made the sails!
I am here to promote the beach bum lifestyle, even when surrounded by corn and clay and I hope to point out the everyday weirdness that is easy to miss because once you start seeing hairnets, you will never stop seeing hairnets.

I have a palm tree necklace. It set us back a whole ten dollars, purchased on the boardwalk in Destin, Florida during the first trip ...

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