It is time to consider the rise and rise of priapic Mayor of London and Prime-Minister-in-Waiting, Boris Johnson MP. Boris is known to be, in no particular order, unprincipled, a bull-shitter, a liar and an adulterer. Having promised Londoners not to seek election as an MP until after his second term as Mayor, he promptly reneged on that promise and grabbed the safe seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip in 2015. Once elected, he attended Cabinet meetings, despite holding no official role. Boris once compared his chances of becoming Prime Minister to his being reincarnated as an olive and if that is not enough to put you off tapenade, nothing is. But when Cameron announced that he would not continue as PM after the 2020 election, things looked up for our portly hero and now that Dave’s EU deal has proved to be all piss and wind and false promises, backbenchers are baying for his blood, incensed at remaining under the yoke of Johnny Foreigner. Dave might find himself retired rather earlier than 2020, perhaps even before the referendum this year. With the Chancellor and the Home Secretary backing Dave, the stage is set for a dissenting Boris to seize power. Readers, there is a real possibility that within months, Boris and Mrs Johnson, should she still be talking to him, and their children Lara Lettice, Milo Arthur, Cassia Peaches and Theodore Apollo, will be waving at us from the front door of Number 10 whilst Pickfords unload their furniture round the back. At which point, frankly, we are all fucked.

Like that other politician with silly hair, Donald Trump, the buffoonery disguises something – and someone – rather nasty. In a speech in 2013, he told us “it is surely relevant to a conversation about equality that as many as 16 per cent of our species have an IQ below 85, while about 2 per cent have an IQ above 130,” adding “I don’t believe that economic equality is possible; indeed, some measure of inequality is essential for the spirit of envy and keeping up with the Joneses and so on that it is a valuable spur to economic activity.” The Times sacked him for falsifying a quote (from his own godfather, who then complained to the editor) and Michael Howard sacked him from his Shadow Cabinet for lying about getting a mistress pregnant. The London Evening Standard kept up a sustained assault on his predecessor as Mayor, helping Boris to win the election in 2008; since then, the then-editor and the two main journalists have got plum jobs in Boris’ administration. He is a shocker.

And yet this week the headline news was that like Barkis in David Copperfield, Dave, indeed the Nation, is waiting for an answer – will Boris accept Dave’s half-baked Euro proposal and support him? During the Olympics, Boris got stuck on a zip-wire and dangled like a highwayman on a gibbet, shouting “Yikes!” Now Dave is the one dangling, hoping Boris will cut him down. But Boris is still considering his position, which we know will be decided not by principle but by self-interest. Apparently, one in three citizens are waiting to see which way Boris decides before making up their own mind. Which, if true, is a damning indictment of those citizens. And bad news for the rest of us.

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To the week’s clothing cesspit. First, the BAFTAS in London and Rebel Wilson wearing Marina Rinaldi.

Cue Mrs Danvers, the evil housekeeper in Rebecca, wearing a mullet skirt. All she needs is a set of keys and some firelighters.

Alice looks like he has been exhumed. Joe looks ace. Johnny looks like a total knob. Again.

This next one is utter madness. I refer to Canadian music producer Shawn Everett with his award for Best Engineered Album (Sound & Color by Alabama Shakes).

Shawn himself has been engineered from the various parts of a hippie, an Amish, a psychedelic schoolgirl and a lumberjack. With bizarre results.

And now here come the real attention seekers and arse flashers. We start with Cameroonian singer Dencia, wearing a customised pink onesie and preposterous boots.

The outfit is disturbingly similar to the sort of thing worn by the late, unlamented Jimmy Savile. This appears to be a sort of mobile toy tidy with crystal crotch. And someone has barfed on her boots.

The last time we saw her, she was dressed as an octopus at the AMAs. This time, she is in a bra and whips with a hat fashioned from an upturned basket. Perhaps she had been out on the lash when she designed it.

WARNING!!!!! BARE ARSE ALERT!!!!!! LOG OFF IF YOU ARE LIKELY TO BE OFFENDED!!!!!!

Manika had a hit feat. (that’s featuring for you fogies) rapper Tyga, called I Might Go Lesbian. Looking at this get-up, WTF Might Go Mental. Why bother with a seamstress? Just wrap some tinsel over your bits and you’re ready.

This week’s It’s Got To Go seems to have hit a bum note with many of you. The BBC went bonkers with its coverage of the discovery of gravitational waves and bored us to death with it. In WTF’s view, this is a story about scientists you’ve never heard of who have found something you don’t care about and can’t understand. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in to cheer WTF up, as she is feeling very nervous about Tottenham Hotspur winning the League, not to mention Boris becoming PM. And please keep sending your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

3 Responses to WTF Super-Mega-Enormous Awards Special

Fashionshark. You’ve always been quiet and shy. Tell us what you really think of Boris Johnson.
I’ll trade you Donald Trump for Boris. I’ll even throw in Ted Cruz.
It’s Got To Go. The BBC is hardly alone in being unable to explain important science stories. Most scientists are not trained to explain things to the general public. They assume that we all know exactly what they know.
Taylor Swift wore a tube top to the Grammys?

I must buy a new dictionary, I’m running out of words to describe these stupid women who go to events just to be photographed. They have a combined IQ far less than Boris suggested. I must, however start a campaign on behalf of the Hollywood Vampires. Love them all, even if they do look like complete pillocks! But then I am an old rocker!