Pick-Up Techniques That Don’t Work After College

My last big drinking night was a septic tank of crappy college-dating-etiquette déjà vu. A pretty, long-legged girlfriend of mine was in the middle of a backward-capped bro cluster when one Prince Charming broke off to give me some constructive criticism: “You and your friend are gorgeous, but she’s approachable. You need to smile more.” I scoffed: “Good thing I don’t want you to approach me.” He told me to buy him a drink. I said no. So he asked for my number.

Once upon a time, this guy’s negging might have worked. But there’s a reason why you can’t use the same ridiculous pick-up maneuvers on a woman as you could on that cute co-ed you convinced to wrestle in a kiddie pool in front of you and your friends in college. A woman has been through the gamut of Netflix and chills. She knows her worth. She’s aiming for great love or mind-blowing sex -- nothing less. So do us all a favor and steer clear of the following tactics. They may have worked in college, but they’re not going to work now.

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DON’T ask us to buy you a drink

DON’T pick us up by "negging"

A woman carries herself confidently. She knows that even the handsomest of strangers have no right to shove their critique down her throat.

DON’T hang on to delusional ambition

So that Victoria’s Secret model won’t buy you a drink? But you were so nice! FYI, “nice” is a bare minimal requirement. There’s nothing wrong with being a little frumpy, smelly, chubby, nerdy, or socially awkward; but there is something wrong with expecting a woman to meet any standard that you don’t.

DON’T invade our personal space

Until we have gone on a date and built a rapport -- or verbally expressed a clear intention to take you home -- please don’t touch our bodies or possessions. Bette Davis would have slapped you 10 minutes ago.

DON’T put down others to compliment us

Whether it’s, “You’re the hottest thing in this room,” or “You are way too good for that guy,” the subtlest insult is still an insult. Who’s to say you won’t treat us the way you treat them?

DON’T give us superficial compliments

DON’T petition us

You know when you go to Whole Foods and have to figure out how to get past that crazy, NYPIRG worker with clipboard standing in the entrance and ordering you to sign a petition? That’s how women feel when you petition your dick for us at a gas station, bus stop or sidewalk. Take a moment to read our body language. Sometimes we are just trying to exist without stumbling over your testosterone.

DON’T be phony

You can time your approach perfectly, say the most charming, witty things and emulate the perfect dose of confidence -- but at the end of the day, your phoniness might as well be painted on your forehead. There is no substitution for authenticity.