My Struggle With Postpartum Depression

It’s been quiet here for a long time. But, now I’m ready to share why with you. I have thought about posting, sharing our lives and what is going on with the kids but it has been hard to find the strength, the motivation and yes the time to write let alone do much of anything else. Life, in general, has not been easy since the twins birth. Spread thin between two infants in the NICU and two older children at home, a husband who was on short-term disability, all while trying to heal from an emergency C-section that wound up infected before I was even discharged from the hospital. Struggling to develop a milk supply for my infants was an almost impossible feat, being separated from my newborns and fighting the infection took its toll on me. Supplements, prescriptions, pumping and the constant support of the hospital lactation consultants and my husband was barely enough to help me keep going until the milk started flowing. Even with all of that support, I have only ever been able to produce enough milk for one of the twins. Then as if that wasn’t enough to deal with, I developed crippling postpartum depression.

My Journey Through Postpartum Depression

In August I crashed, mentally and physically. I have had the baby blues before, I knew what to expect but this was different, this time I had no idea what was happening to me. The feeling of mind numbing depression hit me like a brick. My mind was in a 24 hour nonstop haze, I couldn’t concentrate let alone think straight. People would talk to me, I could see their lips moving, I could hear the words coming out of their mouths, but I could not for the life of me comprehend what was being said. I couldn’t respond or give them the answers they were looking for because I could not make my brain work. It was very frustrating for them, and for me. But as hard as I tried, and I did try I just could not pull myself out of that haze.

By the end of September I was spending more and more time in bed sleeping only waking to nurse my daughter and help my husband tube feed our son. I wanted so badly to enjoy having my little babies home to snuggle and love on them. To try to commit to memory their sounds and smells because those little babies would be crawling and toddling and going off to preschool before I knew it. But as much as I tried to make myself be there in the moment I couldn’t. Not only was I sleeping the day and nights away drowning in a sea of depression I was trying to come to terms that my family was struggling. We were struggling in our health, in our finances, and in our ability to find a new rhythm to our family. I had never felt so alone, even though I was in a house full of children and my husband was never far away.

One of the worst moments for me was when my oldest son, KC, asked why I slept all of the time. I could see in his face that he missed his mom….the way she used to be, before the babies came. Heith tried to explain, and reassure him that mommy was just very tired. That it sometimes happened when mommies had babies but that it would get better.

Even though I had reached out to my OB for help neither of the medications he had prescribed me were helping. I was finally sent to my family doctor and a third medication was prescribed, that did help…somewhat.

By the time mid-October rolled around I was also avoiding leaving the house. I would go days, without stepping outside. I once went a two-week stretch without leaving the house. When the twins or the older boys had a school or doctor appointments I would have to force myself to attend them. You see, leaving the house gave me anxiety. More than once I would have a mild panic attack just walking out the front door. It took months for me to get past the dread of leaving the safety of my home. And to be honest this is something I still struggling with from time to time, although it has gotten so much better.

It’s spring again and over the past couple of months I have been doing better and better. The dark waters of my postpartum depression have subsided and my family is seeing more and more of the mother and wife I once was. Life isn’t perfect, and I still have days where I struggle but they are becoming fewer and farther apart.

My husband who has always been my rock did his best to support me even though he was also trying to heal from his own surgery. I truly could not have made it through this if it had not been for his love, understanding and above all his support. I am truly blessed.

Comments

Tennille! I think about you often and I’d check for your blog, but I finally gave up. This morning I decided to try again. I’m so glad I did. Take it easy on yourself. I remember what you describe felt like. I had it after my son and also after my miscarriage. No one who hasn’t experienced it truly understands and I am praying for you and your family. And I will continue to keep you all in my prayers. I know it just sucks the time it has robbed from you, but you will completely heal from this. Hugs to you all!

What a journey! Thank-you so much for sharing. A harrowing experience no one could prepare for. Glad to hear that the fog is beginning to clear. Your children and husband are blessed to have you, it sounds like you worked so hard to pull through to get to appointments and be present when your resources were so depleted. <3

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Hi ya! I'm Tennille the Mom in charge and budget wrangler behind Two Kids And A Budget. This blog was born out of the desire to help parents find a balance between raising their families and their finances. To find out more check out my About page.