Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Higgs Boson: God’s Least Favorite Particle

I guess i’ll be the first to say that while all scientists around the world are rejoicing that they’ve “found” the “higgs” “boson”, i’m actually somewhat disappointed. I’ve always loved a little bit of mystery in my science. Kind of like how nobody really knows if the “theory” of “evolution” is real or not. What fun is knowing everything?

That being said, i think to really appreciate how much you should dislike science and all those scientists, and all their shenanigans, and all their parties, and the government, you need to know a brief history of the universe:

In the beginning there were 2 particles; The higgs boson and johns boson. Johns boson was the more powerful boson, but he was a benevolent boson and so he never tried to use his all powerful power against higgs boson. The two were pretty good friends. They got along pretty well. They did things that most bosons do. They created uniformity. They went to frat parties. They shot guns and blew stuff up. They did all that other stuff that bosons love to do. But all of that ended one day when higgs boson stole johns boson’s girlfriend. After that johns boson hated higgs boson. He ended up telling all the other bosons that the higgs boson was a pedophile. After that, all the other bosons exiled the higgs boson because let’s be honest, nobody likes a pervert.

After that whole mess, dinosaurs died, people appeared out of nowhere, and I bought my first pair of chucks.

After all that, i bought a mac book, became a hipster, quit being a hipster, shot some guns, and generally enjoyed my freedom. Oh, happy 4th btw (by the way).

After all that, people created this really expensive machine called CERN which i think stands for Confuse Every Red Neck, which is actually doing it's job because i'm pretty sure that "rednecks" don't really have any clue as to what's going on. Anyway, CERN somehow discovered this newly discovered pervert boson, which isn't good news for anyone because like i said before, nobody likes a pervert.

Anyway, if you want some other form of “truth” you can read this. which is actually pretty exciting because i love science. SCIENCE!!!!!!!!!