A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I haven't lost my mind! I sold it on eBay.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls

The one who smiles when all goes wrong has thought of someone to blame

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

My imaginary friend doesn't like you either.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

Don't knock at Death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun sitting on your shoulder.

Last night I was laying in bed, looking up at the stars and I thought . . . WHERE THE HECK IS THE CEILING?

Before you judge a person, walk a mile in their shoes. After that, it doesn't matter because you're a mile away from him, and you've got his shoes.

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

Welcome to the dark side. Are you surprised that we lied about having cookies?

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

Keep smiling; it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.

We must never, ever be mean to stupid people. If we are, they might go away. Then who would we laugh at?

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. ( as you can see I appreciate silence)

What girls don't seem to know: when a guy acts like he hates you, chances are, he likes you. What guys don't seem to know: when a girl acts like she hates you, chances are, she hates you.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.

Don't mess with me, I've got a stick.

Boys are like Slinky's . . . useless, but fun to watch fall down stairs.

Slinky escalator = endless fun

People tell me I'm weird and I say "You just figured that out?"

Best friends are the people that know all about you and still put up with you.

I don't have a short attention span, I just - ooh, a kitty!

I'm not insane . . . I just do whatever the voices tell me to.

Isn't it funny how people who want quiet are always the loudest telling people to shut up?

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyways.

I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people and their questions.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

You can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their own way, then trick them when they aren't paying attention.

Boys are like trees – they take fifty years to grow up

Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.

Be yourself. That's crazy enough.

You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.

Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.

I have animal magnetism-- when I go outside, squirrels stick to my sleeves.

The trouble with real life is that there is no background music

I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere I Lost The Disk!

Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.

Forecast for tonight: darkness Every night is the same!!!

If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?

I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

How come when you mix water with sugar, you get glue and then when you add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go?

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line

I'm not random I just have many thoughts

I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

Heaven doesn't want me there and Hell knows I'll take over.

Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies

Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor.

If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense

When life gives you lemons make grape juice, lay back, and let the world wonder how you did it.

I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah nah!

Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway.

I have a dream and in it, something eats you.

Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the hell are you scared?!

I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words

Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret!

Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie doll.

By the time you finished reading this you'll realize you just wasted 5 seconds of your life

I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday

Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

Wherever there is life there is love

Exactly how much fun can I have before I go to hell?

HELL- Where all the fun people end up!

If I had half a mind..I would still be smarter than you!!

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water!

All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster.

To catch me you got to be fast, to find me you got to be smart, but to be me? Damn you must be kidding...

Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking.

Due to recent cutbacks and until further notice, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "brightness," but it doesn't work.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I'm not sure if this is true, but: Hi, my name is Amy Bruce. I am 7 years old, and have severe lung cancer. I also have a tumor in my brain, from repeated beatings. Doctors say I will die soon if this isn't fixed, and my family can't pay the bills. The Make A Wish Foundation has agreed to pay 7 cents for every time this message is sent on. For those of you who send this along, I thank you so much, but those of you who don't send it, what goes around comes around. Have a heart. Re-send this, help her.

What's worse than raising a baby in Dauntless? Letting a couple of idiots raise said baby in Dauntless. Small, short stories of Tobias and Zeke taking up the task of watching a curious Theo while Tris is away, the only outcome being pure chaos. Light hearted, family fluff. Theo at all baby ages. Coincides with My Little Soldier.

"Some people are like Slinkies; not really good for much, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs." That's how Will feels about Gabriel. And Will does smile after pushing Gabriel down the stairs, until he realized that Gabriel accidentally took someone else down with him. Herongray/Wessa, SophiexGideon

Max, Ella, and her mum go onto a Carnival Cruise ship. For 3 weeks. Max is dreading the vacation, but what exactly will she think of it when she meets Fang and the rest of the flock? Yes, your favorite pairing, FAX, will be there. I despise Dylan with a burning passion. My first fan fiction :D R&R, flames accepted! Rated T for swearing and the romance. Better safe than sorry!

Clarissa and Jonathan Morgenstern meet their future husband and wife. How will they know who to choose with their father always voicing his opinion? Their father, King Valentine, set up this day years ago and it is finally taking action. What will happen? Read and find out! (Alec is straight in this story) I'm going T just to be safe.

***CP2 SPOILERS*** Clarissa Fray knew she could talk to ghosts, but when Magnus takes Jace and her to London to meet Tessa Gray and Jem Carstairs she also meets the spirit of WIlliam Herondale. Can she help Will communicate with Tessa? Or will his spirit linger, restless.

Clary Fairchild, Tessa Gray and Emma Carstairs are secret agents with a mission to kill Jace, Will and Julian. But when love gets in the way of this mission will they still carry it out? Read to find out! *maybe spoilers sorry* Wessa, clace and blackstairs. ON HOLD sorry