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Embarrassing

So tonight I was chatting to an absolute hottie on Bumble, we were just getting to the sexting part when he sends me a selfie, I notice that it has a lot of…let's call it old lady tat… in the background and me being me, asks him and I quote 'what's up with the chintzy shit? Do you live with yo' nana?' He sends me back the GIF of Jonah Hill shaking his head looking disappointed. Now this is a clear indication for anyone to stop talking but no this is me remember?! So I continue with 'I hope she's deaf, because I'm loud' ( little lesson in flirting there ladies, you can even make being deaf sexy!) and I get the reply 'no she's dead' and then he unmatched me!

Now I'm wondering if I just swerved a massive Norman Bates shaped bullet because if she's dead then why is he still living in her house? Or was he just super offended by the term 'chintzy shit?' After I said that apparently not only had his nana died but his boner had as well.

Oh well much like his nanas ashes…another one bites the dust. It's shit like this which makes me think I shouldn't be allowed to talk to other human beings.

The subject of kids has come up again. I think I've just got to the age now where it's to be expected. I was chatting to a guy let's call him Christopher and we were getting along nicely on tinder so I gave him my number and his profile picture was him and a kid. I asked him and he said that it was his son and he had abuse (?!) before for it so he didn't mention him….so the opinion of random Tinderellas is more important than his 'world?' his words not mine. I told him straight that he should write it on his profile and if I'm being honest after what happened with Mr A I wouldn't have swiped him. Anyway, we made it to the phone call stage and I just didn't like him. His personality wasn't for me. He also said some really offensive things that he passed off as a joke but if they were then he just wasn't funny. So I shut down that shit. A hot face will never make up for a bad personality.

I also got a random snapchat add from The Londoner to which I replied 'oh fuck no' I do not wish to see that dickhead with a dog filter thanks!

So it's all gone disastrously wrong with Mr A. It's not my fault or even his but circumstances out of his control. I'm not going to go into that as it's not my story to tell.

So what happens next? I'm back at square one. For the 17th time. The.17th. Time. That Sunday I actually let myself believe that things were different and maybe it would work but I was stupid, I've tried to brush this off and have a don't give a shit attitude that I had before but I can't. For once I had sex and didn't feel empty, for once I didn't want him to leave straight away, for once I got the same excitement when he text me after as I had done before. For once I had a teeny bit of hope. Feeling that after months or even a year of not has completely fucked me over.

I'm trying to help him through his shit and be a friend but it's hard, the selfish part of me thinks the timing is so unfair but I know his problems are bigger than that so the other part of me is angry at myself for being selfish.

I've been trying to change and evolve whilst on this journey, meaning I don't let stuff bother me anymore (ha ha….lying here, typing this can't sleep and anxious AF) and it's literally on too the next one so what should I do? Bail and move on or persist and help him through this? I switch on this minute by minute.

Maybe I'm just caught up in the fact he made me feel different? Maybe I have met someone different and he's worth trying to get over this hurdle with? Maybe, maybe, fucking maybe.

I'm sorry this blog is a bit of a shambles. Just reflects how my head is feeling I guess.

So I’ve woken up this morning sober and can finally tell you the details of date #16. DISCLAIMER…this post features a drunk Tanya and she sure ain’t pretty!

Let’s start with my date: The Londoner, I went into this knowing he wasn’t my type but if you’ve read my previous post he won me over. I also think I needed to try something different for myself as my usual type has hardly worked out for me!

Moving on to the date…it started out awkwardly. The bar I wanted to go to was shut so we had to schlep to another one and ended up in the pub I went to with The Horn Dog cue some very embarrassing flashbacks of what happened with him in the bathroom….anyway….once we started drinking it was fine the conversation was flowing, well it was from his mouth! I couldn’t get a word in edgewise! This was a first for me as I’m a chatty bastard but the only way I could get this guy to stop talking was to interrupt him, he didn’t ask me a single question. He just kept waffling on and on at one stage telling me how the lady at the bar was chatting him up (yeah, yeah!) and another about the different types of Jack Daniels ( I DONT CARE!!) so I just kept drinking. This was a massive mistake! I’ve never been drunk on a date before and it only takes half a pint for this to happen but I must have had at least 4.

I did have an ok time with this guy, even though he went on and on (and on and on) he was funny and charming and we were having fun and I was enjoying ripping the piss out of him for going on and on (and on and on…) anyway it was getting towards the end of the night and this is where it all goes epically pear shaped. We were talking about him getting the train back so I jokingly said he had to leave. Next minute he upped and left. Then came a very embarrassing phone call with him saying that I seriously looked him dead in the eye and told him to go and me taking offence to him up and leaving when we had been bantering all night.

In my opinion I don’t understand why he took me saying that seriously? We were getting on fine so I wouldn’t have asked him to leave. We were literally winding each other up the whole night so why on earth did he take offence to that particular joke? I don’t think he behaved very gentlemanly at all. I would never have left someone alone, drunk in a notoriously bad town at midnight to make their own way home. When I went out with the Dr and he got wasted I made sure I went to his train station first and saw him home. I do apologise for telling him to leave in a way that he didn’t take correctly but he also was well aware that I was drunk, why he took this joke so badly I will never know.

Oh well, I can’t dwell on last night. It’s happened and I have to move forward. Drinking on dates clearly is a massive no for me so unless I want to end up alone, pissed and on the night bus home I shall stick to water in the future, lesson learned!

So this week has been a case of speaking to guys and then blocking, always a good week dating wise when this happens!

Let’s start with The Artist, I sort of sensed an immediate clash of personalities but you know me I cracked on! The major warning signs were the questions he was throwing out at me after a day of talking ‘do you fancy me?’ ‘Do you want to fuck me?’ And my personal favourite which is never good ‘how many other guys are you talking to?’ It comes across as soooo needy! Also this may sound wanky but I hate it when I have mundane generic questions thrown at me, I like silly fun conversations that go off on random tangents but here’s this guy asking if I ever had a pet? How does that really learn anything about me? The final straw was when I joked that if he drew me he would get into my pants, well this guy presented me with a doodle and actually thought this meant we would be fucking! Erm…it’s slightly harder than that mate! After he never got the answers that he wanted and I stopped replying he decided that and I quote ‘was a horrible person and he fell into my trap’ my what?! I mean I’ve had a lot of penis but there’s no chance of anyone falling into it! And then he did the classic recovery technique of saying he only messaged me because he was drunk….way to regain your dignity buddy!

Then there was the racing car driver. A hoot to text (take note doodler!) we were flirting and then he started getting really persistent about coming to my house that night bare in mind we had spoken for about three hours. Well I sacked it off and started speaking to someone else as it started to get annoying. Half an hour later I got an aggressive message asking me why I was still online? Oh god no. I literally can’t be dealing with this shit. If he’s being needy now what would he be like if we were actually going out? So I just straight up blocked him.

I guess the way I have to look at this now is that maybe it’s a good thing I’m meeting all these dickheads, because eventually they will run out and I will have blocked them all to make way for my prince! I’m being wildly optimistic aren’t I?!

So I received a comment on my previous post using Xs name and effectively naming and shaming him. Well I say shamed but he’s been on the end of some cracking blowjobs for the last three years and there’s nothing shameful about that. Whoever sent this comment set up a fake email address to spill this supposed tea. Here’s the kicker though…everyone knows who X is! Our friends/ family/ work colleagues always have! As none of them are douchey enough to pull this stunt I’m guessing it’s someone who I’ve chatted to/ dated, also none of them speak like a wannabe roadman…be careful your illiteracy might give you away.

I know you’re not meant to feed the trolls but I’ve decided to choke the cowardly faceless fuck instead….

Firstly I have to approve comments so nobody sees what you’ve written, so if you have a problem you may as well text me. Oh no you’re too scared because that’s would reveal your identity wouldn’t it?

Thirdly, clearly I’ve pissed you off by writing about you and you can’t let it go. Well I’m not going to apologise for calling you out on your ugly personality, you messaging me on here is just proving my point!

Fourthly, thanks for all the effort! Setting up a fake email and reading my posts (hello views!) clearly little old me has impacted on your life!

And finally and this is the most important one…SUCK MY DICK. From what I’ve seen it’s bigger than yours!

One of the things that surprises me about online dating is how many people lie in their bio.

The first one is age, I’m sure you’re not 25 with grey hair and more wrinkles than my nana. So why lie?

Another is occupation. According to most men online they are either a professional actor (not in anything I’ve seen!) or a musician, the funniest thing happened with this last week I matched with a ‘full time musician’ on Bumble. What he didn’t realise when he was telling me about his days strumming his guitar was that I already kinda knew him and he’s not a full time musician at all unless they are having jam sessions in River Island…yeah mate I work near you! Pretty sure you’re actually a full time shop boy. What’s the point in starting things off with a lie? Unless you don’t plan on actually meeting anyone what does it achieve? Being able to pretend you’re a rockstar online? Yeah I’m sure they’re pure rock and roll when they are bobbing on their supermarket uniform each morning!

Surely as long as you have got a job it doesn’t matter what you do? We’ve all gotta hustle. I don’t write anything in my bio about where I work because I don’t like it but least I’m not lying about it.

So all you part time actors/ musicians just be honest and say you’re a bar tender or a sales assistant, the decent girls won’t judge!