Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Name Game

For all intents and purposes I had planned on following the Georgetown vs. Vanderbilt game last night, but of course my wife made plans for me without asking in advance. Despite the delay, I did happen to catch the game from the 10 min mark until the final whistle, drawing three observations (none of which include Vanderbilt): 1) Roy Hibbert is a beast – albeit Vandy’s big guys stand 6-8/6-9 and are white, nevertheless at 7-2 Hibbert eats up space in the lane, keeps the ball high, and is now attacking the basket like Kirstey Alley in a buffet line; 2) Jeff Green is a flat out All-American – not sure which team as of yet, but at 6-9 with a guard-like handle and passing ability, there is no one in the country as versatile (last nights stat-line: 19pts/8reb/6ast in just 23 mins); 3) If the Hoya guards can contribute in the same fashion as they did last night, teams ranked 1-7 are in trouble.

With all of that said, the unexpected plans did produce one positive result. During a TV timeout, one of the commentators mentioned the name, Nate Funk, a versatile swingman out of Creighton. Immediately what came to my mind was how many other “Funks” are out there? What other college basketball players possess a name that I can exploit to satisfy my jaded humor? So I began my search and here’s what I found Similar to the parity of play within college basketball, the names of the players in 2006 produce a broad range of substance. This is much different from last year where student-athletes such as Chris Porn (Elon College) and Chief Kickingstallionsims (Stetson College) were far and away the best of the best as far as 2005 player names. So, without further ado, I present to you the 2006 player name All-Americans:

1st Team:

Austen Powers (CS Northridge) – Yeah baby, Yeah!!! Oh behave!Longar Longar (Oklahoma) – I’m guessing he’s from the same tribe as Duane DuaneCharles Jim-George (Cal Riverside) – His parents couldn’t decide on just one name so they gave him 3Lee Cummard (BYU) – This guy must be LOADS of fun!Uwemedimo Eshietedoho (Maryland/Baltimore-County) – Like an asian person named Xiang, we’ll call him Steve

Emmanuel Bidias a Moute (UC-Santa Barbara) – Distant cousin to Luc Richard Mbah a Moute?Duke Sturdivant (Georgia St.) – Ever see the Will Ferrell Saturday Night Live clip about dog obedience training? “Hi, I’m Dale Sturdivant!”Drew Crank (Richmond) – Imagine the wild times they would have if he hung out with Lee Cummard?Cleve Woodfork (Tenn-Martin) – Definitely sounds like a member of Ron Burgundy’s news teamKyle Ohman – (Liberty) – this is a personal favorite as a weird guy back at undergrad always started sentences saying, “Oh man!”