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Author
Topic: S.E.X. (Read 11766 times)

Ever since my diagnosis in October 2011 I haven't had any sexual intercourse. On the one hand I don't wanna have sex with someone without them knowing about my status and on the other hand I'm worried that if I disclose my status to someone the word would spread in my city's gay community.

I don't mind telling people who I trust. I told my family and a few friends. I even told two guys after we had met a couple of times and they were cool with it and although we never got into a relationship (I never had one btw, despite me being hot and smart and stuff ) we're still friends.

I also read somewhere that one's undetectable viral load doesn't necessarily mean that there's no virus in the semen. I would never have unprotected sex (and never knowingly did) and I think the precum of someone who's UD is of negligible risk - please correct me if I'm mistaken. But if one finds out about my status afterwards there's a good chance that he's really mad about that and if he contracts HIV from someone else he'll probably think he got it from me and I don't wanna get sued. That's another part of the reason why I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone whithout them knowing about my status.

But if I disclose my positivity to the wrong person and they tell others, then some guys are gonna have prejudices before even getting to know me personally and probably don't even want to get to know me.

Maybe some of you can empathize with my situation and tell me what they would do.

I am curious as to why you would want to maintain a status in a community that would seemingly disown you if they knew your truth.

"Winning over" someone who would otherwise cast you aside sight unseen if he knew beforehand about your status seems exhausting - and like an uphill battle.

Honestly, wouldn't it be better to cultivate cooler friends?

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I have two friends who know and the rest do not in the gay community where I live and both of them have never said anything to anyone. On the other hand, I have met people and then had people come up and say you should stay away from them they are poz. I normally reply how can you get HIV from talking to someone and who are you to out anyone and what if your just spreading a false rumor you obviously heard from some gossip. That usually works every time.

I did read a post from a guy in Canada who is upfront when he meets people and lets them know early on that he is poz and about 40% want nothing to do with him but the rest are fine with it.

I do not know if this will help you I am just trying to give you another way of looking at the situation. Personally if they are immediately turned off before getting to know you as the person you are then they are the ones who are missing out on meeting at the very least a new friend.

I am curious as to why you would want to maintain a status in a community that would seemingly disown you if they knew your truth.

"Winning over" someone who would otherwise cast you aside sight unseen if he knew beforehand about your status seems exhausting - and like an uphill battle.

Honestly, wouldn't it be better to cultivate cooler friends?

Walkinpoz, i agree with jkinatl2 - your situation is very complicated and you are putting a LOT of effort into thinking about the "what ifs" and consequences of a lot of things that are in the conditional, not the real.I am SURE your sitution is awfully complicated, but it might be better for you personally (and for others - which I will explain in a moment) if you stopped worring about so much you can't control and start making your own life simpler.

Here are some other ways of looking at things:

Lets start with the fears based on criminalisation of HIV transmission and/or non-disclosure. I guess you already did this - check to make sure the laws that you are afraid might exist, actually do exist in your locale. No sense worrying about laws and punishments that don't exist. ANd if they do, youre smart not to fall into traps.

Secondly, since you are committed to safe sex, you aren't going to transmit.

But you are worried a guy will get HIV from another person, but then blame YOU if you are the one known Typhoid Mary on the local circuit. Well, thats pretty flippy reasoning.

Two things come to mind. If, by chance, a number of gay people in the city knew you were HIV+, then you could also talk to people about HIV transmission and be including the information that "I always used condoms" and that "HIV transmission often happens when people assume their partners are negative, and its not the case, and especially when people don't even know they are HIV+." And, you could repeat rather often, that you are surely NOT the only HIV+ person around your town.

So the second thing is, since you are willing to disclose HIV to some friends and your family, you personally might receive benefits to disclosing to gay friends (and their friends and so on) - i mean letting the word get out. There ARE more people with HIV, surely. And also, eventually this helps everyone chill after the news settles. On the one hand, people might decide you are Typhoid Mary and the town pariah, but on the other hand, many people will just hear the news and eventually its just another fact about another person in their orbit. It becomes mundane.

You are very convoluted about who will and won't consider dating you, based on when they know or don't know about your HIV, and in fact you can't manage any of that.

But if you personally do NOT let HIV be a big scandal, to you personally, then other people can go along with that, with your thinking. Not believing you have something to hide, or to protect yourself from others, or shame, or whatever, it gives strength of character, maturity, openness and pride - these are all ATTRACTIVE qualities that draw people to you.

« Last Edit: December 21, 2012, 03:00:17 AM by mecch »

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ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I actually received quite a lot of positive feedback when I once disclosed my status in my profile on a gay website - of course without a picture of my face in there. People were interested and some wanted to meet me or called me "brave" because of the disclosure

So I also considered being totally out about it but I think right now I'm not ready for this. I have tried to put myself back into the situation before I got HIV to see what I would have done if I were someone who meets a positive person. And I think I would have done it like I said in my first post: that it's different if you know the status of a person before getting to know them or after you have gotten to know them. That's actually what I guy told me after I disclosed to him after we had known us a bit better.

I won't tell you to be out about your status as only you can do that when you are ready.

I will say though that while being public about your status can seem scary it also has a number of benefits that I personally have appreciated.

When I was using hook-up sites (and lord knows I will again) no one I meet on there can claim I lied about my status

On a related note you can find my status if you google my full name which also offers me some protection from false accusations that I lied about my status (I swear this worries me more in the South than it ever did in NY

Being out in the community as well being out at work, to family and all means I never have to worry about dancing around subjects like my meds or doctor appointments.

I met more people because I was out about my status

There are a host of other things I'm sure in your mind about being public about your status besides sex, but since sex is the thread title I'll stay with that issue.

The last thought I will add is you began your thread stating you basically haven't had intercourse since your diagnosis and that you don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't know your status so I'm gonna suggest that you don't really have much to lose (sexual options) but everything to gain.

Ever since my diagnosis in September 2008 I haven't had any sexual intercourse. It's always the same story.A few dates...They say I'm cute and they like me...I tell them about my status.I get: Thanks, but no thanks.

ELF - you have mentioned this lack of sex several times and not that this is your thread, or that you asked for comments, but since its sorta related to this threads theme - i don't think its all that great to go years without sex AND to have that lack of sex be related to HIV. I get that there is a lot of rejection.I get that people can find themselves living is a place with pretty slim pickings as to who is willing to have sex with an HIV+ person.

But please please make sure you young ones are giving it "the college try" meaning at least making an effort to be open and hopeful that sex is a possibility. Please make sure that one's HIV+ status and concomitant high rejection hasn't become an excuse, a stand in, for OTHER reasons that sex is not on the menu.

« Last Edit: December 21, 2012, 08:18:06 PM by mecch »

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ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

ELF - you have mentioned this lack of sex several times and not that this is your thread, or that you asked for comments, but since its sorta related to this threads theme - i don't think its all that great to go years without sex AND to have that lack of sex be related to HIV. I get that there is a lot of rejection.I get that people can find themselves living is a place with pretty slim pickings as to who is willing to have sex with an HIV+ person.

But please please make sure you young ones are giving it "the college try" meaning at least making an effort to be open and hopeful that sex is a possibility. Please make sure that one's HIV+ status and concomitant high rejection hasn't become an excuse, a stand in, for OTHER reasons that sex is not on the menu.

Your off your game aqualung , you forgot to ask him what hes wearing .

ELF - you have mentioned this lack of sex several times and not that this is your thread, or that you asked for comments, but since its sorta related to this threads theme - i don't think its all that great to go years without sex AND to have that lack of sex be related to HIV. I get that there is a lot of rejection.I get that people can find themselves living is a place with pretty slim pickings as to who is willing to have sex with an HIV+ person.

At least he tried, I don't even try to date or know someone since 2008 either..but well, I have some issues to face (including my paranoia with STIs and sex) so it's not a surprise.

I'm totally out about my hiv status and I find that those who have a problem with that are people I don't want in my life anyway. It's a great "asshole filter".

I'm like Ann and i use it as a great "asshole filter". I tell you my status and then it's up to you whether you stay or go. But along with that, based on the conversation, you'll know you can and cannot tell.

I just got home from a gay party and in my time zone it's a few minutes before 7 a.m.

I met a guy there and he took me to his place and he wanted to have sex with me. But I got scared and didn't want to have any oral or anal so we only did some petting. Then he got tired and I left. I didn't tell him about my status since I didn't know him. So I didn't lose anything except of my shorts which were ripped.

At least he tried, I don't even try to date or know someone since 2008 either..but well, I have some issues to face (including my paranoia with STIs and sex) so it's not a surprise.

I also agree with you Raf, after everything that going, on the last thing is putting my health in further risk by contracting an STI. I will never ever have sex with anyone else, unless a full STI panel test is confirm and of-course the person also no my status. This take a high level of trust, so it probably going to take a long time for that to happen.

I also agree with you Raf, after everything that going, on the last thing is putting my health in further risk by contracting an STI. I will never ever have sex with anyone else, unless a full STI panel test is confirm and of-course the person also no my status. This take a high level of trust, so it probably going to take a long time for that to happen.

This is incredibly and utterly depressing...no wonder HIV+ are so depressed. At the end of the day, we create our own prison around us.

I'm totally out about my hiv status and I find that those who have a problem with that are people I don't want in my life anyway. It's a great "asshole filter".

My dear lady Ann thank you for my morning chuckle, you have a great way with words... .

I would be surprised if anyone in my comunity didn't know of my status, I came "out" so to speak pretty much the day was diagnosed, I know it's not easy, and I would never judge anyone for not feeling safe about coming out, but what really gets up my nose and on my tits is why do those who moan and groan about not having sex blame it solely on being HIV positive, maybe these people who reject you just don't like you, maybe you have BO or you just bore the hell out of them...ever think of that?

I also agree with you Raf, after everything that going, on the last thing is putting my health in further risk by contracting an STI. I will never ever have sex with anyone else, unless a full STI panel test is confirm and of-course the person also no my status. This take a high level of trust, so it probably going to take a long time for that to happen.

yup. My main issue, is with the STIs that can't be avoided with condoms, like syphilis. I prefer to not take any chances anymore, and if I can avoid with this all the nonsense of the rejections and disclosure, even better.

Ironically though, I'll have a syphilis screening the next year because I don't remember if I was screened for that when I was diagnosed back in 2008. It's strange that my doc didn't include this test along with the hep B and C screening I had the last year.

This is incredibly and utterly depressing...no wonder HIV+ are so depressed. At the end of the day, we create our own prison around us.

Self loathing knows no status, apparently.

If caught early, an STI like syphilis can be easily and completely treated. Sex is one of the more fundamental parts of human nature. I wager these people drive in cars or take transportation, go to public places, and interact with others - all of which are remarkable dangerous things to do.

I'm thinking that this has next to nothing to do with HIV and more to do with an underlying mental illness that, if not addressed, may eventually prove fatal.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I also agree with you Raf, after everything that going, on the last thing is putting my health in further risk by contracting an STI. I will never ever have sex with anyone else, unless a full STI panel test is confirm and of-course the person also no my status. This take a high level of trust, so it probably going to take a long time for that to happen.

OEMGEE, I've also lived without any sex since like 2008. This is however part of my goal to revirginize myself, not something that should blamed on HIV. You girls make me rather sad.

This time I will have to be in agreement with Mecch: snap out of it.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I stand by my choice of no sex, it's great not having to worry about STIs anymore (I have more than enough with teh aids, thanks. I don't want to add another trophy), no rejections, no akward disclosure and no akward after sex talk. all win for me.

The last february 14th my right hand proposed to me, what a romantic moment

I find this thread amazing. I had tons more sex post-diagnosis than I did before I was infected. Get out an enjoy life.

Of course, in the past two years I've been on either crutches or one of those granny walkers so the only sex I've had is with a Brazilian on my monitor and my right hand. Generally it's quite satisfying.

edit: some people seem to have doctors who actually prefer that they don't have any sex. My doctor actually brings the subject up during visits and yells at me for NOT having sex. I have to remind him that I've had surgery three times in the past year and I really would find it hard to have sex when I'm constantly in physical therapy. But still, I appreciate his sex-positive attitude.

Seroconverted: Early 80sTested & confirmed what I already knew: early 90s

Current regimen: Atripla. Last regimen: Epzicom, Sustiva (since its inception with NO adverse side effects: no vivid dreams and NONE of the problems people who can't tolerate this drug may experience: color me lucky )Past regimensFun stuff (in the past): HAV/HBV, crypto, shingles, AIDS, PCP

You young ones need to know there is a shelf life on your junk , use it or lose it .

Word. Some folks are going to have a long time to regret not being brave enough to seek out happiness.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Here's my artistic rendition on La Guillermina, including a twink-style tank top, pencil-sized pecker, microscopic walnuts, a big gun of each kind to compensate for any shortcomings, and an Egyptian flavored taco in his left hand. This work of art is completed by the elusive lipid panel scattered on the floor, waiting for the dog to eat it.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I just got home from a gay party and in my time zone it's a few minutes before 7 a.m.

I met a guy there and he took me to his place and he wanted to have sex with me. But I got scared and didn't want to have any oral or anal so we only did some petting. Then he got tired and I left. I didn't tell him about my status since I didn't know him. So I didn't lose anything except of my shorts which were ripped.

I'm not kidding . Things change for most people where sex is concerned as you mature and its not always for the worse , but rest assured things do change . I'm concerned about the high rate of STI in my area but that's not the reason I don't have the same sexual appetite I had at 20 or 30 .

For many people of a mature age the empathises changes from one of a purely sexual act to one of intimacy and for single people intimacy is much more difficult to find than just raw sex and is even better if you can find both in one partner .

I'm single and mostly hang out with friends and family and I am not to keen on going clubbing or hanging out online looking for MR right now . I ready for bed by 10:30 most nights and staying home seems much more of a good idea than going out . I would be happy to date someone if he came along but I'm not driven or distracted by the lure of gotta get laid like I used to be ... and I'm perfectly OK with it too .

So yes ... for lots of people your junk has a shelf life if you plan on using it as vigorously as you can as a young man . Its not that you cant when you get older , its a matter of do you want to .

I'll admit to being an outlier here. I'm heading relentlessly towards 47, and have recently discovered that I can go almost two days without sex. Three if you don't mind me being cranky.Trying to convince my bf that injection of healthy DNA will cure my head cold.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

I've been on crutches for several months now an I could easily figure out how to perform if given the opportunity. I hope that shelf life thingy doesn't happen automatically at 50 since I'm just a few short years from there.

HELL, even in my AIDS days, I wanted and got sex almost every day. Perhaps that was my magic bullet?

In The Sound of Music, our pure Sister Maria is so ashamed and all wet in the panties that she's attracted to the Commander, and he to her, that she runs back to the Convent and goes into seclusion. The Mother Superior smells the hormones and calls her out of seclusion and persuades Maria to go back and see if her carnal desires will be fulfilled, giving her blessing for other kinds of love. Maria goes back, they throw themselves in heat at each other, and she gets a completely different life than she imagined!

« Last Edit: December 23, 2012, 07:31:36 PM by mecch »

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ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Billy A: Don't bother me I'm having Egyptian margaritas 4:22 PMMe: omg -- seriously? Are you back at that dump again? Incredible. 4:24 PMBilly A: Well most proper Mexican food places are closed on Sunday..catholic and all. But Egyptians are godless so they stay open on Sunday 4:26 PMMe: Maybe I'll go get some REAL tacos from my neighborhood place, and go look at Christmas decorations on 13th St. 4:31 PMBilly A: Did I mention I was at trans Siberian orchestra last night... In a private suite with open bar? 4:32 PMBilly A: It was amazing, especially being able to look down/i] on the common people and laugh 4:34 PM

Here's my artistic rendition on La Guillermina, including a twink-style tank top, pencil-sized pecker, microscopic walnuts, a big gun of each kind to compensate for any shortcomings, and an Egyptian flavored taco in his left hand. This work of art is completed by the elusive lipid panel scattered on the floor, waiting for the dog to eat it.

I'll admit to being an outlier here. I'm heading relentlessly towards 47, and have recently discovered that I can go almost two days without sex. Three if you don't mind me being cranky.Trying to convince my bf that injection of healthy DNA will cure my head cold.

Two days? I last had sex on December 3rd. It was November 3rd before that. I remember for obvious reasons, but because it was exactly one month apart. I guess I am a bitch to most, by now.

The body is still willing but patience is the key , without proper inspiration my trouser snake spends a little more time looking at the foot board of my bed instead of the head board like it used too .

For many people of a mature age the emphases changes from one of a purely sexual act to one of intimacy and for single people intimacy is much more difficult to find than just raw sex and is even better if you can find both in one partner .

Here's a winner of a post. I'm over a half century old. None the less I still have the desire, the fire, and the ability. While wholly functional, I function at a less intense level than in years prior. Accepting that, I too look for a deeper and increasingly needed level of intimacy. It's not about spooning for hours on end, rather there's more imaginative foreplay and afterglow.

Basically, getting over the hump of having to hump has enhanced the hump.

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Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly,Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

I'm trying to find balance myself. I went out with a guy, I really liked, but he said he couldn't date me because of my status.

But even though i've been dealing with some nutty health issues, you can't live in bubble wrap, you just can't. I'm not proud of my choices, but they are what make me whole. I also want find love some day. I just need to focus on my health first, then all things will follow, once I figure that out. I'll be okay.

Ever since my diagnosis in October 2011 I haven't had any sexual intercourse. On the one hand I don't wanna have sex with someone without them knowing about my status and on the other hand I'm worried that if I disclose my status to someone the word would spread in my city's gay community.

I don't mind telling people who I trust. I told my family and a few friends. I even told two guys after we had met a couple of times and they were cool with it and although we never got into a relationship (I never had one btw, despite me being hot and smart and stuff ) we're still friends.

I also read somewhere that one's undetectable viral load doesn't necessarily mean that there's no virus in the semen. I would never have unprotected sex (and never knowingly did) and I think the precum of someone who's UD is of negligible risk - please correct me if I'm mistaken. But if one finds out about my status afterwards there's a good chance that he's really mad about that and if he contracts HIV from someone else he'll probably think he got it from me and I don't wanna get sued. That's another part of the reason why I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone whithout them knowing about my status.

But if I disclose my positivity to the wrong person and they tell others, then some guys are gonna have prejudices before even getting to know me personally and probably don't even want to get to know me.

Maybe some of you can empathize with my situation and tell me what they would do.

Thank you for reading this

No, no and NO!

Why would you disclose your HIV status to people?

I think that is something totally personal and private.

If you meet a guy and then you're gonna have sex , a condom should be used no matter if you disclose to him your positive HIV status or not. Even if you're negative, a condom should always be used. So I don't see the point on disclosing something SO PERSONAL to someone you probably just met and dont even know if that relationship is gonna grow up or if its going to fade and not work.

I have met several guys after I knew I was positive, and never disclose my HIV status to any of them because either way we should always use a condom.

I do ADMIT that I met guys who wanted to have unprotected sex with me, and I did it a few couple times . They did not know that I was HIV positive. But HEY, they are grownups! That is their responsability if they decide not to use a condom. If they did it with me, they would probably have done it also with other people before.

So, basically we are all adults. We can't be disclosing our HIV status to every single people we meet. As adults that are going to have sex, everyone should know whats best for each one.

This probably is a "cold" point of view, but that's the way we handle it here. In my country there is a special HIV/AIDS law that protects the privacy of the information of every people -among other things-. For example, when my doctor gives me the prescription for me to get the HIV medication, she does not put my name on it, she "decodes" my name including the 2 first letters of my name + 2 first letters of my last name + birthdate. So , as you can imagine, we are always "trained" and told that the confidentiality of our HIV status is even protected by law. So by law I have the right not to disclose my HIV status to anyone I dont feel like to.

Dave from Argentina, you are obviously speaking about your personal choices and your situation in Argentina.Please be aware that there are some states in the USA, and some countries, where by law you must disclose your HIV status before having sex. Whether or not condoms are used. Whether or not there is transmission. Okidokey?

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ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Dave from Argentina, you are obviously speaking about your personal choices and your situation in Argentina.Please be aware that there are some states in the USA, and some countries, where by law you must disclose your HIV status before having sex. Whether or not condoms are used. Whether or not there is transmission. Okidokey?

I do understand that . But still, I believe this is something personal and everyone has the right to its own privacy.

Besides, let's say that an HIV positive person has sex with someone who is negative, and the negative person gets infected. How will the Law determine that it was you who infected the other person and it wasnt anyone else ? There's no way to find that out.

Like I said before, if they are adults enough to face a sexual relationship, they should be adults enough to face whatever comes after that as well (not only HIV infection, but also pregnancy and any other STD) . The same way that us, HIV positive people did at some point of our lives.