Married and bi

Married and bi

QUESTION:

Denver, 49-year-old man

I've been married for 24 years and have two kids, both in their teens. Most of my adult life, I've had Bi-sexual tendencies. It's not that I don't love my wife and we have a good sex life, but there's something missing that only a man can fulfill. I enjoy being with men sexually.

For a short time, I had convinced my wife to get involved in swinger parties, but that only lasted a short while. During this time, I could be close to men and not have to explain my interest. My wife is open to other men who are gay and feels very comfortable being around them because they are confident in their sexual preferences. I'm a 49 year-old man who wants to stay married but live the life that makes me happy.

How do I present my sexual interest to my wife without threatening our marriage? How can I assure her I have no intent of being gay, yet enjoy sex with men, whether she's there or not!

ANSWER:

Silicon Valley Relationship and Sexuality Center,

How can you present this information without it threatening your marriage? I encourage you to "step out of the box" for a moment and imagine:

your wife approaching you with the same analogue. Flip it over. She says "Honey, it's nothing personal but from time to time I yearn for sex with another woman. Maybe it's a return to being mothered, I don't know, but it is nothing you can provide. So is it OK with you if I have sex with women from time to time?" Or how about

She says "I have been sexually faithful to you all these years but before I die I really want to know what it is like to be sexual with a man whose penis is four inches longer than yours." Or

You say to her "From time to time I really want to have sex with a woman who has breasts that are gigantic."

By now I hope that the point of any extramarital sex being a violation of your marriage contract, whether with a man, a bigger-breasted woman, or an animal, is potentially threatening and therefore it renders your question impossible. For a man to propose to his wife that he wants sex with another man is totally threatening to most wives because they can't compete. If it is more oral sex, or playing with toys or kinky sex (with her) she can technically comply. But she can't become a man (although she can strap on a dildo and give you a nifty prostate massage).

I take the position that bisexual extramarital sexual behavior is not exempt from monogamy "just because it's not another woman."

"... assure her that you have no intent of being gay?" If by that you imply that it is only the sex without emotional involvement, why should the gender of the extramarital partner matter? Five into four won't go.

On the other hand, if you feel a passion, a sense of comfort like "homecoming," and like you have truly found yourself when you are communing sexually with a man, it is entirely possible that you are genetically homosexual and that absence of sexual experience with a man has bound you in an "ignorance is bliss" state until recently. If you truly believe that your true calling is to be sexual with men, I suggest recognizing that and supporting your wife's interest to be in a committed monogamous heterosexual relationship (with someone other than you).

This question has been answered by Dr. William Fitzgerald, a.k.a. Sexdoc. He is a bona fide sex therapist. He is one of the sex therapists at the Silicon Valley Relationship and Sexuality Center, in Santa Clara, California. For more of Dr. Fitzgerald’s work, visitors can check out Ask the Sex Doc, his website devoted to answering questions about sex therapy, sexuality, and relationships.For more information visit: http://www.sexdoc.com/