Reviews, tips, stories and more from a mother jousting with the challenges of menopause, parenthood and earning extra dough. More coffee, please!

Monday, December 30, 2013

My 8 Favorite New Year's Eve Jokes (Because Laughter Is The Best Sound At Midnight!)

There's nothing healthier than laughing, especially at the year
we're putting behind. Thus, as my last post for 2013, I give you my
8 favorite New Year's jokes:

On New Year's Eve, Agnes stood up in the local pub and said that
it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every
husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth
living.
Unfortunately, as the clock struck midnight - the bartender was
almost crushed to death.
~~

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. One's
dignity is not one of them.
~~

Your
Dog's New Year's Resolutions

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on
the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the
house.

I will not eat the cats' food... before OR after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
carpetin the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the
backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her
bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones,
or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell.

I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the
back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's
laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Mom's driver's license and car registration.

On New Year's Eve, Dave was in no shape to drive, so he wisely
left his car in the bar's parking lot and walked home. As he
was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are
you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning,” asked the
police officer.
“I'm on my way to a lecture,” answered Dave.
“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a
lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' asked the officer
sarcastically.
“My wife,”slurred Dave.
~~

10 Signs That You Have A New Year's Eve Hangover

You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's
pets.

Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell
your room to "Stay still."

Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction
as drinking a glass of fresh paint.

The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step
right up and give it whirl!"

You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.

You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time
with your toilet.

You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the
more feasible praying in a fetal position.

Your catch phrase is, "Never again."

You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from
recycling the bottles around your bed.

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking
enough of it. ~~

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good
resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
- Mark Twain
~~

A man is sitting in a bar on New Year's Eve. He's just sitting
there, looking into his drink for about half an hour. Soon, a big
bully comes in, walks up to the man, takes his drink, and guzzles it
down.

The man says, “No, it's not that. Today has bee the worst day
of my life! First, I didn't wake up on time and was late to the
office, so my boss fired me. Then, went I went to my car, it had
been stolen and the police say they can't do anything about it. So I
got a cab and when I left it, forgot my wallet and credit cards in
the taxi. When I finally made it home, I found my wife in bed with
the gardener.
Finally, I came to this bar for a drink, and while I was thinking
about ending my life, you show up and drink my poison!”
~~

Thank you for
your support in 2013. May 2014 be the year of your dreams! And
check back in with me in a day or so, won't you?

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About Me....

I am the mother of two kids who are under the age of 15. My goal is to minimize the amount of therapy they'll invariably need. Motherhood & menopause are challenging journeys to be shared. I am also the author of the blog Mom's Crayon (www.momscrayon.blogspot.com), Content Manager at www.thegeekparent.com,and contributor to www.jerseymomsblog.com. My life blood is coffee. Feel free to contact me at isithotinheremmm@gmail.com. THANKS FOR READING!

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