Kenneth Knepper: Science proves it: Men can’t see dirt

Monday

Mar 30, 2009 at 12:01 AMMar 30, 2009 at 2:07 PM

My son has aspired to clean the house ever since we tied an allowance to a small list of weekly chores. By “aspired,” I mean my wife and I remind him to dust the furniture every Friday, hours before the big payoff of a $5 bill.

Kenneth Knepper

My son has aspired to clean the house ever since we tied an allowance to a small list of weekly chores.

By “aspired,” I mean my wife and I remind him to dust the furniture every Friday, hours before the big payoff of a $5 bill.

After a truly inspiring version of eye rolling, he applies furniture polish as if he were spraying a skillet with Pam.

Then, he meticulously wipes around each item, carefully avoiding moving it one way or another, probably so we always will have a layer of dust indicating the precise location where it should set.

After the first couple of times he displayed his express dusting techniques, my wife became frustrated, wondering if she was failing in her motherly duties by not showing him the process, step by painstakingly slow step.

However, I already knew the reason for his inept cleaning ability — the male chromosome.

A few years ago, a scientific study was released showing women do the majority of work around the home — 61 percent. Men, as a whole, were found to do 39 percent, which was far better than most women estimated but much lower than men believed they performed.

While few women acknowledge it, men possess DNA that does not allow them to see dirt.

I realized this important fact shortly after marrying my wife. She would ask things like, “Are you going to clean up the counter where you made your sandwich?”

I would squint, change my angle of view and then remind her I made the sandwich on a paper towel, negating the need for cleanup beyond tossing the paper towel into a trash can.

After the all-too-familiar eye rolling from my wife, I would grab a washcloth and wipe along the cabinet, only to have my wife follow up moments later because I had obviously missed something.

Years later, I finally became ingrained by the notion that literally everything was dirty, requiring frequent and detailed wiping. My wife seemed to embrace this important plateau in our relationship and she now trusts me to clean the bathroom, occasionally.

But, for my son, the idea of cleaning something that has every indication of already being clean soon may lead to retinal failure or at the least a dizzying sensation as he make the room roll.

So, I feel it’s time to administer some helpful and important fatherly advice: Unless a woman tells him otherwise, he should treat everything as if it was recently hauled in from a pig trough and administer detailed effort in cleaning it.

Always be sure to move around those trinkets on furniture, also.

I’m more convinced than ever they’re sole purpose is to act as women’s guide to the effectiveness of the dusting job a man performs.

And right now, his routine may cause him to risk cold, hard cash ... along with a painful series of lessons about dirt that’s never before been seen by male eyes.

Ken Knepper is publisher of The Newton Kansan. He can be contacted at kenneth.knepper@thekansan.com.