Pleasure gap?

Last night I made a bootie call to a guy that I’ve slept with once before a few months ago. I went over to his place and we had sex. After he came (I didn’t) we laid on the bed together as I continued to touch myself. After a few minutes I asked if he would touch me and his response was “no, I just came and I’m really zen right now so...”. I found it to be such a turnoff that I got up, got dressed and got ready to leave.

If this happened to you, would you be annoyed and turned off like I was? What do you think of this?

EDIT: I decided to message him about it, asking him how he’d feel if the tables were turned. He said he understood and said that he should have communicated that he just needed a few minutes, not that he wouldn’t touch me at all.

Don’t fuck him again. That’s selfish. Or at very least demand to get off before penetration. When I was younger I had the mistake of fooling around with a guy like this who came too fast for me to get off and wouldn’t do anything else. One day I came over, put my mouth on his dick for three strokes, looked him in the eyes and left. 😂😂😂

I’m not going to fuck him again. I think I’m going to adopt the she comes first rule. It’s tricky for me because it sometimes takes me a long time to orgasm and I’m a bit self conscious about that but I need to find partners who are patient and care about my pleasure. I think this might be the end of casual sex for me.

And I’m so glad you gave that dude a taste of what he was dishing out!

Taking a while to orgasm is pretty normal. Not something to feel self conscious about.

My husband and I use foreplay, roleplay, dirty talk, oral and toys. It makes an enormous difference in my ability to come. Especially the foreplay and roleplay. If that's good, I might not even need toys. A bullet vibrator is really helpful if you need a little help getting there btw. Also, don't be afraid to masturbate during sex. I do basically every time, which helps a lot.

Also, there are lots of guys that like longer sex sessions. My husband loves them. Honestly, a lot more than I do. A lot of times I want him to just go ahead and finish, but he wants to prolong everything. He'll pull out when he's about to come so that we can go longer.

There are so many men out there that love giving women orgasms and will do what it takes to get you there.

Thanks for sharing your experience :) I’m working on not being self conscious and one day will find the right person to do all these things with. I’ve only had one partner who I’ve done role play with, and it was incredible. Can’t wait to have that again it was really hot.

My boyfriend always has me come first. Like, he'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, and only after I've come will he ask for the things that will get him off. After we've both come, then we just keep going until we've both had as many orgasms as possible before it just gets too uncomfortable or we're tired. Usually we get to 4-5 before we stop. It's the best sex I've ever had. Dude's a fucking pro.

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I never knew until this post though that the "she comes first" rule is an actual thing. No other guy I've been with did this. Where do guys learn this? My boyfriend was raised almost exclusively by women so maybe he got "the talk" from them and they included it? Or maybe his buddies also adopt the rule? Or he just decided to do this on his own? I should probably just ask him. I'm very`curious as to how men learn about this.

I was 18, in the Army, talking about women as young soldiers do when they're bored and the squad leader basically stopped by, listened for a bit, and then said something like "Let me give you a small bit of wisdom that will serve you well...".

I'm not sure about others. But I didn't learn this from anybody. It's kinda logical isn't it?

"I come fast and can lose motivation, she comes slow and doesn't lose motivation and can keep going, I wanna give us both a good time, maybe she should come first." 1 +1 = 2

But I also never understand the people that have sex just to let them self cum. If my soul purpose is to cum I turn on a porno and jackoff for 5 minutes and the goal is achieved. Having sex with others isn't about making yourself cum to begin with.

Because the vast majority of times, sex continues after the woman gets off. And it very often stops after the man gets off. So if you want to make it most likely that they both orgasm, 'She comes first' makes practical sense.

What complicates things is, some people, especially women I hear (I don't really have experience with men) get off on their partner's dominance; so caring to much about their pleasure would effectively be a turn-off for these people.

Sort of tangential, but I (straight guy) also sort of realized that casual sex isn't for me a while back. I am the opposite of this zen guy, and love to have my partner get off. And most women are just like you - they need patience and skill (and sometimes a specific toy) to get off. And even when I have the best intentions, some women aren't interested in making a big fuss about their orgasm during a first encounter. And that can make a first encounter a bit awkward for me - I'm eager to please, but left unaware how to please, and it puts my brain into an anxious frenzy. So I just decided that I'll skip "one night stand" situations, and see each partner with a long-term outlook. The first hookup (or two, in the case of your zen guy) can have lower expectations - you can just get a feel for each other.

Maybe the same perspective shift could work for you. Like I said in my other response, that would mean giving the zen guy a pass. I think that his rudeness and inconsiderate response was motivated by a harmless post-sex stupor, and I suspect that part of the reason it rubbed you the wrong way is because it inadvertently made you feel self-conscious about the fact that it's not super easy for you to get off. Try not to take it personally, and do whatever works for you in balancing the trade-offs of "I want to get off" & "I don't want to explain/demand my orgasm with a near-stranger who doesn't seem to care about me". Some women swear off hookups, some simply lower the bar and say "it's OK if I don't come during a first encounter". This is a totally typical and common decision that women face!

I see where you’re coming from because I’m the same way; I want everyone involved in a sexual encounter to have a great time and leave feeling good about it and themselves. I’m super sex-positive and love the idea of casual sex but I’m realizing the lack of understanding, solid communication and emotional connection with casual sex doesn’t create an environment that my pleasure and comfort can thrive in.

I don’t expect a brand new partner to know how to get me off, but what I do expect is that they make an effort to do things that I find pleasurable (of course with consent).

Yes - I wish casual sex was more likely to be good sex. For some people it's just not that simple, though, and it's not always someone's fault. I hope the zen guy gets his act together or that you find someone more considerate in bed!

Just be aware that this will be a potential turn-off for some. It has roots in entitlement and says "I care about myself more than the overall experience we have together."

I understand why people do it, and I'm fine with being auto-selected out of their option pool. I have great sex, and my partners are usually satisfied, but I don't particularly like having to enter into something under the condition that someone needs to be prioritized; I prefer my sexual encounters to be organic and un-forced.

Obviously there are those who will be fine with the power-play inherent in such a condition. And it may end up resulting in better overall experiences for you, so if it works for you, great!

Sex continues whenever people want it to, and stops whenever someone wants it to. Men can still play with partners after they orgasm.

The comment I replied to is a reaction to selfish partners, that's fine. But it's a reaction which is only required if you assume you're going to have selfish partners, and imposing a (any) rule on anyone who you play with is not something everyone will agree to. This is a fair and valid choice on both ends. I didn't recommend that the person not use this requirement. I advised that some people will opt out, and that's fine.

self respect.

Anything which one person decides which impacts other people isn't just a decision for self. When it's mandatory (as implied by the phrase "rule") it is something which by definition others must agree to as a condition of play.

Why would she want to be with a guy that doesn't care about her pleasure?

Nothing I said suggested "not caring about a partner's pleasure." You can care about someones pleasure and not have them always come first. If that hasn't been your experience, I feel sorry for you, but the limitations of your experience don't create a reality where a woman not coming first means she doesn't do so at all.

Or, in other words, "woman comes first" is not equivalent to "this is the only way someone can care about and ensure their partner's pleasure."

Yes, because an orgasm after sex is exactly the same for a woman as an orgasm during sex. /s

Is an orgasm from jacking off the same for you as coming inside a woman? Most guys I know say it is not nearly as pleasurable as an orgasm during sex. The same is true for women.

I've spent a number of trips around the sun, so I have a good couple of decades of sexual experience. And I also have female body parts, which you do not. Yes, I've experienced getting off after the fact and it is not the same. Also, the difference between sex with a guy that puts in the time and effort to make sure I orgasm during sex and one that doesn't is huge. The guys I've had that were good in bed wanted to do this. They took pleasure in my pleasure and I took pleasure in their pleasure. We both gave what we could to make sure the other person had a good time.

Thankfully, my husband is one of those guys. He loves giving me a good time, as I do for him. ❤️

They took pleasure in my pleasure and I took pleasure in their pleasure. We both gave what we could to make sure the other person had a good time.

I agree with this concept. My contention is with the idea that fulfilling that concept requires a woman coming first in all circumstances.

I don't know what you're getting at with the "during vs after sex" bit. If you're talking about orgasming while actively being penetrated - many women won't do that regardless of whether they come first or not. If you're suggesting sex "ends" when you're no longer being penetrated, well, we'll have to agree to disagree; as there are plenty of women who don't come during penetration, this is a pretty narrow view. It's great if you can, and most of my partners have been able to, but regardless of which parts I may or may not have, I am able to say with certainty that it's a good thing sex can happen without a penis in a vagina, else a lot of people would end up pretty unsatisfied.

Anyway, I think it's pretty clear we have different points of view on the subject. I'm glad you're having satisfying sex. I'm glad I'm having satisfying sex. I don't think we'll ever enter into a situation where the conflicts in our respective viewpoints particularly matter for each other. So long as everyone is satisfied with the experiences they are having, as far as I'm concerned, everything is fine. As I said in my original comment in this thread: if it works for you, great!

I believe more women can orgasm during penetration than both men and women realize with an attentive partner. She may need foreplay. She might need roleplay. She may need to masturbate during penetration. She may need toys. Yes, the sensation of orgasming during penetration and not during penetration is different. In my experience, an orgasm is less intense outside of penetration.

Women have different sexual needs than men and require a different approach to reach orgasm.

I think this is always a pretty interesting discussion. I once held the belief - as you appear to - that sex was just about the period during penetration, and the goal was simply for everyone to get off.

It's been a lot more rewarding for my partners and I to realize that neither is necessarily true. There's a great deal involved in sex that isn't just penetrative; it was a couple of my lesbian friends who first made me aware of this, and the related and unfortunate common perception that because girl w/ girl sex doesn't involve penetration it's not "real" sex. But to address something you brought up above, I don't equate enjoying intimacy with a partner to masturbation, even if I'm not currently penetrating them. It's a whole lot more fulfilling to know that I'm with someone who is focused on my pleasure (and I on theirs) regardless of how we're going about doing that. Now, if the only kind of pleasure you receive during sex is when you're being penetrated, there's nothing wrong with that, or with you. But there are a whole lot of other wonderful things to do and feel which are sexual, and enjoyable and satisfying.

There's also a lot of times when one of my partners or I have been worked up but not able to finish. Obviously orgasms feel great, and when we can we do. But the entire experience of being with someone is worthwhile and fun, too. Learning to enjoy that for itself and not making orgasms the focus of sex can be a great mindset to get into. My first exposure to this was in my early teens, when a girlfriend said that she hated when guys in the past would try really hard to make her come because then she felt a great deal of pressure to do so, which wasn't always easy for her. It was more enjoyable for her to be able to relax, enjoy everything and not worry about the outcome. Incidentally she came buckets with me, and it was the only time she'd had that experience.

So, coming from the perspective of someone who has been bringing pleasure to women for - ha, to use your choice of phrase - "a number of times around the sun," if the preliminary encounter I have with someone is that their focus is on their need to orgasm before my needs are considered, then I personally have no interest. And there are quite a few others out there who have very satisfied lovers, spouses or other entanglements who feel the same way.

The issue is that "she comes first" is a response to shitty partners, and proposing that as a rule when I meet someone for the first time tells me I'm dealing with someone who is bringing the baggage of shitty partners and rather than addressing these bad experiences through discussion and attempting to resolve those issues through communication, they're imposing rules which create unnecessary limitations on a sexual encounter. It is entitled, and the only reason it flies is because there's usually plenty of guys willing to cede to demands simply to get laid.

My responses in this thread have been entirely, "great that might work for you but some people won't like it (and some of those people you're alienating as a result may be worthwhile.)" Let me propose then, a similar situation from another perspective. Let's say a guy came to the thread saying that they'd had a bad experience with condoms (after getting them to fit right, and everything) just killing sensation for them, and they decided they were going to implement a "no condoms rule." And maybe someone came to the thread and said reasonably to them, "Hey, that's great if it works for you. Just so you know though, that may create a situation where a few potential partners who would otherwise be interested wouldn't want to play with you. And that's fine, it may create a better experience for you overall if that's what you need to feel good!"

That'd be a legit response, right? There's nothing wrong with people doing what makes them feel good in sexual situations. We are entitled to do what we need to do for ourselves, but not everyone is going to agree with the methods we choose. Sometimes we're not aware that our choices may have a negative impact on others who we might not wish to exclude, so someone making a polite comment about how that might affect others can be useful to hear. Especially if it's someone reading the comments thinking, "Hey I like that idea! I want to come first too," without putting much thought into how that might come across. (Or, someone saying, "Hey I like that idea! I don't like condoms either!") The balanced perspective is almost universally more useful than one side, because there's almost always good reasons for why people make the choices they make, whenever there is a divide between different things.

All that said, I agree with you about more women being able to come with an attentive partner. My track record with my partners is very, very high, which suggests that either I've had a very unusual sample of the population in terms of women being able to come during penetration and outside of penetration, or that I'm a pretty decent sexual partner. I like to think the latter, both because it makes more sense statistically and because it's nice validation for me. But either way, we definitely seem to agree that more people can be more attentive to their partners (both men and women can benefit from this.) We simply disagree on how to achieve that. I feel communication is better than creating a one-sided "rule."

I am well aware and enjoy many aspects of sex besides simply penetrative sex. I'm well aware that there is more to sex than just penetration.

Further, I actually agree with much of what you've said.

However, I feel that you have made many assumptions about me and my experiences without really listening to what I am saying.

What I said is that orgasms are more intense during penetration than outside of penetration and there are a lot of ways to help your partner get there. In my experience, men that haven't been concerned with helping me get there during penetration have been self-centered lovers and have not been good in bed.

Yeah, there are times of course, that I also don't want to feel pressure to come. There are times to just experiment and enjoy the moment. Or to even have a quickie where the goal isn't for me to get off, but just make my partner happy and connect with him. I communicate these things with my partner.

My focus during sex is on my partner and enjoying the moment, not simply having an orgasm. So I agree with you that focusing on orgasm can take you out of the moment.

However, my partner being attentive to me is a huge part of my ability to orgasm during sex. A big part of that for me is foreplay. Foreplay makes it exceedingly easier to orgasm during sex.

Btw, I've had a lot of compliments from my partners about my skill in bed, as I am a giving lover as well. I was simply trying to give you a female perspective. But rather than hear me out, you ignored or misinterpreted much of what I said and made many incorrect assumptions. Maybe you felt in the defensive and I apologize if my words put you on the defense. I hope in the future you can listen more to what a person is actually trying to express and make less assumptions.

He said he understood and said that he should have communicated that he just needed a few minutes, not that he wouldn’t touch me at all.

To be fair that's a believable answer. I've been in that situation too, as I'm someone who gets very tired after having my brain flooded with chemicals after cumming. I probably also wouldn't be able to communicate that at that time. And this is something that varies from guy to guy, and also from orgasm to orgasm.

Frankly you storming out of there without discussing it a little further is a bit childish. Now you're just assuming he's a selfish jerk and everyone is patting you on the back in the typical old 'you go girl!!!' mentality, because everyone likes to assume guys are jerks. And from what you said, there's no reason to believe he was. We won't know what would have happened once he had recovered. You could have just cuddled for a bit and then get frisky again, and go for round two.

Thanks for your perspective, I appreciate it. I think ideally we both would have communicated differently in the moment. It’s hard to communicate clearly with someone you don’t really know, which is one of the downfalls of having casual sex. There was obviously a misunderstanding and my feelings were a bit hurt.

Asking for what I want in bed doesn’t come easily for me and I’ve been working on being more direct in the moment. I wasn’t being childish nor did I yell or freak out at him. I thanked him for having me over and gave him a hug before I left. I posted here to see what other people thought and I recognize that I can only provide so much information about the experience. Regardless, hearing everyone’s perspective has been helpful.

Either way I think it's a good learning experience so you can think about how to react when something liken that happens again. And it probably will ;) Who knows if he really was a selfish jerk, but based entirely on what you said, and how he responded, I'd still be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. The downside to jumping to conclusions is that you also risk missing out on good things in life. Talking from experience... Often only realizing things years later when thinking about things I said or did.

And yes communication is very important. It's something I've been working on a lot over the years, and I still mess things up constantly. But good communication and knowing what you do and don't want is key to good relationships and sexual satisfaction.

It sometimes, no, almost always it takes me a long time to orgasm and I start to get in my head about it, because I feel I shouldn’t be lasting that long and in my previous relationships, it would get to a point where my partner at the time would have to tap out because she’d either be too sensitive from the orgasms she’s just experienced or end up getting dry(if this happens, I know I could use lube, but at the same time, in my head I’m like, “Geez, it has been a long time.” ) It’s at this point that I ask if she wants more or not, regardless if I’ve cum or not(there’s been plenty of times where I don’t get off but the woman does) and I’m perfectly fine with that. I get in my head so much about it though, not being able to cum quick(I don’t masturbate often), but when I’m having sex, I’m not thinking about me getting off, I want to pleasure her as much as I can.

I say all this to say that my current gf has blown my mind. Yes, she’s had to tap out a few times, but we can literally go for hours and she stays super wet and it’s amazing.

I wouldn't abandon casual sex because of him I would just have the conversation about what you expect before the sex, most guys should be happy to oblige you with foreplay or at least slow fucking until you get off before he empties his boys into the pleasure pit.

You may run into some disappointment with the "she comes first rule" not everyone can control when they are about to come to many variables at play, my wife and I use the "you take care of yours and I'll take care of mine" rule since life isn't like the movies, which would make us selfish in a way but we both get to come the way we like how we like and when we like she is good for about 2 orgasms before I can get mine as opposed to when we first got together which was a lot of awkward "do you mean like this" "how does this feel", which a lot of stuff can feel good but it doesn't mean your gonna get the other person off. Hope this helps

I've said it before and I'll say it again, even from a purely selfish perspective, it makes sense to ensure your sexual partner enjoys your encounters so you get to have more of them. Not paying attention to their pleasure and figuratively screwing them over means they won't come back.

I can't imagine being single, having a girl call me just for the sake of fucking, and then not making sure she enjoys herself. Would probably like to get called again.

I am a lovey dovey type and I also want to, if not come (which is tricky for me) then at least significant attention to be paid to my pleasure. It's hard to feel connected or intimate if that isn't present

Yeah, for me the orgasm is the cherry on top. I'm in it for the whole experience. I just like the full sensory experience of sex. I don't know how to describe it. If all I wanted was an orgasm I'd just masturbate. But there's something about sex with a partner that makes it worth it to me.

"I'm really zen"? I'd be annoyed as hell, not be them getting their "O" and being out of commission because sometimes that's happens; but that attitude... male or female, that's BS and a really good way to get themselves never called again.

Yeah I’m still frustrated about it. I’m considering sending him this message:

“So I'm just thinking about how I got annoyed last night and I'm curious about something.

Imagine that when we were having sex, I orgasmed and then laid back leaving you with a giant boner. You ask me to touch you to help get you off and I say "no, I'm too relaxed". What would your reaction be?”

You're the type that like to work things out. You like to communicate through an issue, if for no other reason than because you invest time, energy, and your body in this and got short changed, and you're someone who places high value on your time and especially your sex. It was a dick move and an eye opener that his investment was all "him" and not "us". I understand how frustrated you are.

If you think sending him the message will help you deal with how you feel, go for it. There nothing wrong with what you wrote. Just be aware that unless he's actually your friend he has no impetus to be truthful or forthcoming or even to respond; and if he doesn't, that might annoy you even more. Just be ready for a potentially disappointing response. It sucks. And no, you didn't deserve such a lackluster performance or effort. No one does, but it's the reality of cuddle buddies sometimes.

At any rate, don't call any of this a total "L". Just chock it up to being a learning experience. I don't think your message is a bad idea, but you want an apology, an understanding, and a promise of making it more worthwhile next time. Will you be okay if you don't get that?

I considered that I might not get a response, and I didn’t care. I need to speak up for myself!

I sent the message and he actually responded quickly. He said he understands where I’m coming from and that he should have communicated that he just needed a minute, not that he didn’t want to touch me at all.

Even after the edit...I think he's just in damage control mode with that ridiculous statement. You can be zen AND touch your partner...I don't get what the problem is. I'm a dude, and yes, when I cum, I'm losing my sex drive very quickly, because that area just gets super sensitive and kinda unpleasant, but that won't stop me from fingering or licking my partner if she wants/needs to 0o

I think that guys (typically more than women) can become rapidly & severely disinterested in sex after climax. It's a partially biological thing, and for some people it can even lead to feelings of disgust. Same thing behind the "gets off / shamefully and quickly closes a dozen tabs of porn" cliche.

I would not behave like this guy did, but then I don't think those feelings hit me very hard post-climax. But from many stories on here, I know it's a real thing. I don't think there's any point in criticizing him over text. If you're considering fucking him again, just be proactive and (before meeting up) say that you're only interested in sex where you get off before him. If he's not into that, move along. I think one initial encounter can be a "low judgment space" where two people figure out how the other works. (No excuses or second chances for violence, pushiness, or disregard for consent, though, IMO.)

That’s part of why I posted here in the first place. I was wondering if maybe the post-sex disinterest for dudes can be stronger than I was aware of. I know what it’s like to want to relax after an orgasm but I would never outright say no to a partner if they asked for a hand after I came. I did message him about it and he basically apologized, so I’m feeling better about it now. It really sucked in the moment. I’ve had enough sexual experiences where my pleasure gets overlooked and I’m sick of it. I have to start speaking up but it’s not easy!

This is true pretty much disinterested after "O" until refractory period is over. Adopting the her first approach sounds like a good idea and probably in his best interest too that is if he wants you to come back

Just like many women here say "they don't owe sex". I think the same applies to the orgasm. He doesn't owe you an orgasm.

Down vote me all you want. The fact that she though booty call meant she cums was implied by her statement Booty call is what in her definition included orgasm for her. His definition was was i bust a nut. Some people think that a booty call means more than that. For a girl it might mean more but for a lot of guys its just a place to bust a nut. Shes a booty call for a reason. If he gave a shit or if she made him do it. He would have made her cum first.

It's pretty strong for me, and recently my girlfriend has been wanting to go for a few rounds back to back. I'll still do some stuff to take care of her until I'm ready, but there's no sexual desire to do so immediately after.

Post sex disinterest is definitely a thing and it can be very strong. About 50% of the time after I orgasm it happens to me. I'll want absolutely nothing to do with sex or the person I've had sex with. Until that person gets clothes on I'll feel uncomfortable and an extreme amount of disgust towards them. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't control it. Despite this I still do my best to get the girl off with my hands afterwards, but it makes me feel like crap. I feel so gross and so much disgust, just wanting her to finish so we can move on. To avoid this I usually try to get the girl I'm with off before I finish, but it still happens. Recently I was feeling a wave of anti sex feelings after climaxing with a FWB. I got her off with my hands afterwards, but it really made me feel a lot of disgust towards her. Those irrational feelings continued even after she left and I lost all attraction to her. I ended up having to break things off with her. Fyi this has nothing to do with how I was raised. My family isn't religious or anti sex. It's a purely biological response that I have literally no control over. I wish it didn't happen, but sadly it does.

Thanks for sharing, that really sucks. I didn’t know that was a thing for some people. Disgust is an emotion so I bet (if it’s something you’d like to change) you could work on it so that you don’t have such a strong response. You’d most likely need to work with a therapist, they can be so helpful with this type of stuff. It sounds like it does bother you.

Sounds like a pretty rough problem for both you and your girl to deal with. There is another way — have you considered not coming? This may sound like a preposterous suggestion to you, but keep an open mind. You can actually learn to orgasm without ejaculating, which has some really incredible benefits for both you and your relationships. Have a look into Tantra. Sounds like you could really benefit from the sexual practices at least. I know my partner and I have.

I'm glad for your edit OP, because there is another way this could be interpreted. could be this guy wasn't intending to be selfish, he just got tired out and needed to catch his breath for a minute - it certainly happens to me when I cum sometimes. and it turns out that this more charitable interpretation is the case!

so thank you for being honest with your partner OP, and for approaching this problem together rather than framing it as a 'you vs him' thing. communication works.

Thanks so much for your message. I’m doing my best. Pleasure is a sensitive issue for me because of my history. It’s easy to sit back and turn the accused into a selfish monster, which I don’t think he is. Sex and communicating around sex can be complicated. Honest communication usually makes things better, sometimes it takes a bit to get her.

Hallelujah. You have an entire thread full of people telling you he's an ass. He just didn't feel like it right at that moment, and he ended up taking on all the baggage of your history because of it.

You do deserve better, you do deserve to have fun. Just work with him on it, don't jump to conclusions, and see if there's some middle ground here.

If you did storm out after his comment, I would also consider asking him how that made him feel, and possibly offering him an apology as well. Not saying that because you were the bad guy, just as a way to cultivate good feelings and happiness.

I got to the point with booty calls where if I didn't cum first he wouldn't either. I got up once and just left. He was pissed but it's like, what the fuck you think I came here for buddy? To service you like a sex doll? Fuck off with that shit.

I think pleasure gaps happen when communication doesn’t, and one partner just doesn’t care as much about the others pleasure. I don’t get off from PiV, I just don’t, my husband knows this and 9/10 makes sure he greets me off before, and that 1/10 he doesn’t, he makes sure to get me off after he’s done.

There are men who are amazing lovers out there who take their partners pleasure very seriously.

Wow, I actually like my fwb even more because he does follow the "she cums first" rule. Though, I think he learned his lesson when he spanked his monkey before I came over and neither of us came, and I acted downright pissy haha.

This sub is a common place for complaints of this sort (because obviously) and it bugs me every time. I can cum multiple times, but even after my last one, I make sure to get my partner off one more time. She cums first, and she cums last. That’s my personal rule. Guys that don’t even get their woman off once really bother me.

I think you might have overreacted. You got caught up in anger and indignation that things weren't fair, and you were awfully quick to jump to "he's an insensitive asshole." Sounds like it ruined your night, and I wonder if giving him the benefit of the doubt might have made everybody happier.

After some people (mostly guys, but I've been with some women like this too) come, they get completely wiped out. Think "I just ran a marathon then took an Ambien" wiped out. It's not like this for everybody, so the rest of us feel like they must be faking it. I agree that people like that should take steps to make sure the other person is happy before passing out, but it's not always going to be 50/50 all the time. They aren't selfish because they get hormonally zonked.

If this is an every time occurrence, and he shows a history of not caring for your happiness, you've got a problem. If it's a "now and again" type thing, maybe you could work with him to figure out a way around it so you can be satisfied, and he can enjoy the post orgasm glow.

I feel like this was just a miscommunication! I understand what he’s saying about the zen moment. For me after I just need a minute of no touching laying down and absorbing the moment. You’re mature and smart for messaging him and clearing up the confusion. He’s also smart for admitting his words did not come off as he intended.

Glad you reached out and got an explanation that sounds reasonable, just some bad communication. Happens when ur not a couple and don’t have the right communication. I find girls often have less orgasms during hook up sex or the first couple of times you have sex, so if ur wanting the big O try having a more regular fuck buddy. But the guy should still make some effort and not trying is what’s not cool

It's a bit selfish, but sometimes after sex you do get a bit zoned out. It should have been possible to find a compromise, like you give him a bit of time to snap back, then he puts in 100% effort for you afterwards.

There is nothing that keeps me going more than turn to my partner and see if I can get her off one more time after we are done, I feel like I could just keep going. Don't give him the pleasure of being with you anymore!

Oh yes, I definitely am not perfect. To begin with I wasn’t sure if my reaction was justified or not, which was the reason for my post. Honestly I’m a bit surprised so many people replied. Luckily this is all anonymous so even if everyone calls him an ass, I am the only one who knows who he is and I will make the call in the end. I really appreciate your suggestion of asking him how he felt when I left. That’s a really good point. I’m sure he wasn’t feeling great about it.

That dude is an asshole, I've cum hard enough that needed a break but I hung out and did my best to be good company until I was ready for seconds, went in for seconds and made sure I made it worth her while. Sorry you had a bad experience.

A lot pf time for me (M20) the role were flipped because i was unable to cum with my ex. I really thought i was not able at all.
Turn out it s not the case.
But when i have orgasm with a women i am completly stoned and can t do anything for at least 10min. In fact it s scientifically proven that men have a really long hidle time after an orgasm compare to women.
In general i make her cum before i do (if i do at all) as it s complicated for me to cum.
There can also be foreplay before etc... to make the woman cum.
But the fact is after i cum , i get very very very sleepy and i can t fight it (turns out it s completly natural) and i have tried to give pleasure to woman in this situation but it s not funny for anyone : you don t want a guy tha looks like it s gonna fall a sleep and has a guy it just no.fun at all to force my body.
So his reactions is perfectly natural.
Now he could have said it better and maybe the intercourse were only focused on his pleasure. If the intercourse is focused on male pleasure this is a problem , the problem is not so his unhability to have sex after orgasm but more the fact that you felt frustrated by the intercourse meaning it was focused on his pleasure only.

Hope this insight on male orgasm can lead to interesring discussion /point of view

I always make my girlfriend cum first. Always. Sometimes she wants the dick and to make me cum but right after im going down on her to make her feel good.

I never understand other men. I always want her to sing her pleasure first, i love how she reacts. Listen to her and lick where she wants you bit what she wants you to bite and suck on what she wants you to suck.

Obviously in a consenting environment and where you both are comfortable.

Well I can only speak for myself but FUCK YES I WOULD TOUCH U any selfish BOY who isnt into satisfying the woman he is with is a tool.
AND u may wanna try older men we are way more attentive we understand a womans body better(most of us) and we find that gratification in satisfying the woman we are with is a large part of hot sex.
Message me for more conversation about this if u like. Oh and dump the bum

About the edit- "I just need a few minutes" isn't so bad. I can even give him a partial pass on not quite putting it into words right if you just made him cum really hard. But yeah the way he accidentally phrased it at first didn't sound the greatest.

Communicating to clarify that was a smart play! Now you can play teasing games along the lines of "Well you'll be forgiven- once you tell me all the sexy ways you will return the favor to me next time we meet!"

My mother gave me the best sexual advice when I was 18. It has served me well throughout the years. She said, "I have only three things to tell you regarding sex. Be good. Be kind. Be last." I didn't immediately understand it, being young. But, when I figured it out, it was the game-changer. I plan to tell my boys the same thing when they are both old enough. It's a pity more guys don't know this.

I just fucked my lady tonight too, came first and helped her get off with by fingering her as she played with her clit. Best part about that is it gave me enough time to get hard again and I fucked her after to top her off, both of us coming the second time around. Then and only then was it time to be zen, together. Ditch that douche, if he can be zen without his counterpart sharing it with him he doesn't deserve so strings attached sex. Selfish lovers shouldn't get rewards.

Fuck yes I'd be pissed. And I'm a guy. He should have had his face buried between your legs and had you screaming for mercy before he stuck it in to begin with. You need to find a guy who knows how to fuck you properly.

That's absolute garbage. There's no reason to reach over and help a partner our, even if you're not into it. Even lend a tongue, for fucks sake. Just because your boner is gone, doesn't mean your tongue doesn't work. He's in it for himself.

After (or while) a man's orgasm there are chemicals released that lead to sleepiness. Why is is selfish if one is completely relaxed and not in the mood anymore?
Obviously it's something else if he didn't care about your pleasure to begin with.

As always in this kind of threads only self-proclaimed sex gods show up, that totally give their sexual partners orgasms all the time. Oh and multiple ones of course. They'd rather not even have an orgasm themselves. That's how much they only care for their partner.

I (as a woman) feel like I could also feel 'zen' after reaching my first orgasm. Should I just stop the sexual act and take a nap? The difference is that he doesn't even have to make himself get back into the mood while being sexually involved in this, he just needs to help her cum.

I did give him some time to come down after his orgasm before I asked. And I wasn’t asking him to start fucking me again. I’m sure he was happy relaxing because HE HAD JUST CUM, duh. Men orgasm during sex waaaaaay more than women, and that aligns with my experience and a lot of women I know. I didn’t ruin anything by getting upset. The pleasure gap is real and it’s not okay.

Women need to understand that when a man ejaculates he has no immediate desire for sex. It’s biology. We just want to sleep. Don’t take it personally.

I sorry this post is behind downvoted. It's absolutely spot on.

The last thing I (M) want to do after having an orgasm is to move or think or do anything except lie there like a beached whale.
Also, Mr. Peen is very sensitive after "releasing the hounds," and any stimulation is counterproductive and takes away from the moment. Biology, people!
So ladies, give your fella a a breather after the Big Bang. That said,
there is no excuse for not doing your part to please your partner after a reasonable period of time.

I do wish that men and women had a closer average length of time needed to reach the big O, but alas, this is not so. "She comes first" makes sense, but for many men, this can be a challenge: there is no pause button for an erection. You're likely to be aroused while satisfying your partner , but gratification for you may be a ways off,
and your moment may have come (LOL) and gone when it's your turn at bat.

However, this is a moot point if all you ever do sexually is masturbate, so I got that going for me....

It’s being down voted because women always play the victim and men are always wrong and bad 🙄 Yeah man, obviously you get it cause you have a penis too haha. Having a penis, it’s hard to not orgasm too early cause it just feels so freaking good