Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The Rage of the Squirrel!

A cautionary message for Republicans and Democrats alike: Be careful who you speak out against. The tiny woodland creatures are watching.

Take Howard Brookins Jr., alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward for instance. He stood up against squirrels, he did. Criticised them. Said they were ruining the garbage can lids. Said they were being "aggressive."

He failed to reckon on the fact that these were 'urban squirrels' -- Chicago urban squirrels. And they weren't pleased. "Maybe the alderman needs to have a little... accident, boys!" they chattered to each other in the trees.

On Sunday November 13th Mr. Brookins was riding his bike alone on a remote forest trail. All at once a single squirrel darted out from the trees and threw himself into the bicycle's spokes crying, "Revenge is a dish best served cold, Brookins!" In the melee that followed the alderman's skull was cracked, his nose smashed, his teeth splintered.

The squirrel lay peacefully entangled in the spokes of the bike, a contented expression on his face.

But they haven't forgotten. In the aftermath of this incident, squirrels are said to line Brookins' window sill at odd hours... just watching.