Thursday, April 22, 2010

Guess who has an Inhibin B level less than 10?? Me! Amazing, I am still having perfectly regular periods, and ovulating, but my result on this test suggests that I am done and dusted with periods and fertility.

What The Fuck is going on in there????

Doctor's appointment next Wednesday. I wonder what his take will be.

Here is a virtual bunch of flowers for all you lovely, lovely ladies who have shared my incredulity, horror and disbelief with me. You have showered me with love and kindness and for that I am eternally grateful.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I don't want to believe those results ... I want them to be someone else's, some 50 year old lady's - not mine

I'm not sure what we will do now - not sure if it's worth going forward, with a CD3 FSH of 14.3 I'm not even sure that the doc will even do a cycle with me I have to make another appointment but from the looks of it, I'm a DHEA failure.

Thank you so much for all your supportive, horrified comments. I am drowning here and it's a comfort to know that you're out there thinking kindly of me.

A couple of friends who have struggled with infertility have both told me to ignore the blood test results and to keep trying and trying, not to give up. But oh I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, it's so much money to try and try again! I'm not even 38 yet and this is all so incredibly unfair. What would you do? What will I do? What will the doctor say now?

Friday, April 16, 2010

First set of blood tests reveal that my FSH level is now 14 point something.

Aaarrrggggghhhh!!!!

Doc said that the only thing the DHEA would do for sure was lower my FSH (which was actually fine at 7.4). Instead it's doubled. This is not at all good and naturally the doctor's office is closed and so I can't see/speak to anyone. I've been in tears since I opened the mail and saw those shocking results (I get copies sent to me). My free testosterone and DHEA-S levels are also stupidly elevated and I'm thinking I should stop taking the DHEA. ButvI'll wait and see how disastrous my AMH and Inhibin-b levels are, talk to the doc and then decide.

Taking DHEA was NOT supposed to make my situation worse, but so far that seems to be exactly what it has done.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Are any of you still incredulous? I know that after 26 months of TTC, lots of crappy blood tests, 28 BFNs and 4 IVF stim cycles I should be over the incredulity of it all, but I'm not.

I find myself thinking "surely we're not infertile" and "how on earth is it possible that we haven't had a baby" and "wtf?" and "I just can't believe it". 'Cause I can't. I wonder when I will believe it.

It's sort of funny, kind of like a murderer has snuck into my bedroom and is strangling me and yet I'm still wondering, "What? How can he have gotten in, surely it's not possible!" Or like I'm hypothermic in the icy cold ocean watching the Titanic be swallowed by the sea and I'm thinking "Hang on, I'm supposed to be in my berth, surely the ship can't be sinking!" Or like I'm crunching a sweet apple thinking "I'm supposed to be eating a banana - why doesn't this taste like a banana?" Ha! Stoopid disbelieving brain.

I'm downing my DHEA like a good girl and am waiting patiently for the blood tests now, because today is CD3 and I went and got jabbed. I will be interested to see if the DHEA has done anything to my hormone levels. Also, and confoundingly, I'm interested to see whether getting the tests done at the pathology lab will make a difference, given that both inhibin-B and AMH are supposed to be spun immediately and then put on ice (neither of which have happened at my GPs).

And in the end, the results of these blood tests don't actually change anything anyway. If I can get my act into gear then we'll probably start the new cycle soon. That is, if I can get in to see the mandatory counsellor before my luteal phase starts. Which, when I type it and look at the dates, seems unlikely. So, then, I think we'll be cycling in June.

What...ever.

P.S. Still not finished with the damned illness either. I officially hate coughing.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I got ill on March 23rd. But my deadline wasn't til the 31st and I still had work to do, so I didn't stop and rest like I should have.

I got bronchitis on March 27th. But still with the needing to work...not enough rest. Then on about the 2nd it seemed like the bronchitis was clearing up, but I started getting sinus-y and last night I awoke at 4am with a throat like razor blades and a hot hot body. Not good hot. Bad hot.

So today, I'm completely brochitis-y again, every muscle and joint in my body is killing me and I'm coughing up phlegm like a 90 year old smoker. I swear a truck hit me.

And so we went to two doctors today. One gave me steroids for the wheeze and antibiotics for the lungs and the other gave me hope.

He said a few things and, as is my wont, here's the list.

1) DHEA is of no proven benefit but it can't hurt.

2) Growth Hormone is promising, but only one clinic in Adelaide is doing the clinical trial and we're both not there and not in it.

3) My egg numbers suck and he would never expect to get even 5 or 6 out of me, but the ones I have make embryos so all is not lost.

4) He didn't recommend quitting, said he'd be happy to go ahead with us.

He's so great, I have waaaaaay more confidence in him than in the docs at our last clinic, even though he says they're just as good. So we'll give IVF another chance to fuck with us and maybe delight us. Probably mid-May, the way my cycles are going.

He wrote me a path request for hormone checks at day 2/3 of my next cycle (which should be Thursday week) and he wrote a request for TBG to have another SA done. I want that done so I can let go of the hope, every damn month, that maybe we've hit the jackpot naturally.

I'm so scared heading towards this new cycle now. I half-thought that he would just say give up, but my age is apparently in my favour even if my AMH & Inhibin-B aren't.

But so scared. Early January, after the Christmas Fiasco BFN, I was severely depressed and hurting so badly after my six months of IVF Horror. I had to put that away and finish that stupid Honours project. Now that's done and I'm terrified to be letting myself in for that world of pain again.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I am having a weird Easter this year. No Little Guy (he's with his Dad 200 kms away) and no Mama (she's with her Mum and the rest of her family 2000kms away). So it's the Big Guy, his two kids and all the rest of TBG's family for Easter for me. And that feels wrong and weird and completely un-Easter-ish. We're going for a picnic in the park - all the family TBG's Mum could muster including one of the SILs and her new baby. I love the SIL and I love the new boy and I will endeavour to steal as much baby love as I can.

But oh!

They started TTCing just after us, had a miscarriage and finally got pregnant. So I don't feel anything but love towards this new boy and his parents. But for myself, there's jealousy and sadness and wistful longings.

Dr's appointment for us on Tuesday the 6th. I wonder what his recommendations will be...

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Yes, I has handed the fat fooker in and I say fat in the truest sense of the wordy word. 161 pages of written evidence that I thought too hard about EEGs and depression. Whilst depressed. How's that for a mindfuck.

The Big Guy bought my some pretty roses and took me out for delicious dinner and now here I am ... all free and stuff.

So now I say to the Universe - now I am done with the thesis shite can I puh-leeze get pregnant. I shall be far far more relaxed now. Surely that will help. And, Universe, if you were trying to keep me on the path to psychology by not letting me have a baby and stop doing Honours, then you've done a sterling job. Really, a cracker of a job stopping pregnancy and keeping me finishing my studies.

But it's ok now, Universe, I can have a baby now, it won't be interrupting anything.

About Me

I'm a happy wifey to the Big Guy, a researcher, a worker, a mum and a step-mum. tBG and I started trying for a baby together in Feb 2008 (as soon as we got married) but we got diagnosed with secondary infertility in Jan 2009 and I got hit with a premature peri-menopause diagnosis in early 2010. We did 5 IVF cycles between May 09 and June 10. None of them worked. Full blown menopause at 42. Oh, and I'm also in the process of finishing my PhD. Unsurprisingly, my head is way too full so some of the dross is spilling out here.
pundelina AT Hotmail DOT com
PS. It was 4 years between the premature menopause diagnosis and hitting post-menopause. Whoa.