Seven Fat Takes

Seven Reasons Why Being Fat May Be the Right Choice For You . . . Today!

1. You are so comfortable for the kids to snuzzle up with, especially in the winter. AsMighty Mighty pointed out in the comments box of this post, kids always think bigger is better; and being nice and soft, with no bunchy muscles or anything, makes it even nicer. Not only for the kids, either.

2. Fashionwise, it’s a great time to be fat. You have sartorial choices like never before. Fifteen years ago, I remember our terrifyingly brilliant, consummately cultivated, frequently profound, secretly magnanimous, and very, very fat philosophy professor grumbling that, when he went shopping, he had a choice between a gigantic red polo shirt, or a gigantic red polo shirt with Tweety Bird embroidered on it. This is a man who, when he had a fever, once stood at the podium and taught an entire phenomenology class in German without realizing it. (He’s not German.) And everyone was too intimidated to say anything about it; we just took our notes, and liked it.

Oh, anyway, the point is that, nowadays, there are a lot more good clothes for fat people. So now, smart, fat people don’t have to wear Tweety Bird, unless they want to.

3. So many American are so much fatter than you. If you’re feeling bad, just go the mall — you’ll feel like a slender reed in no time, because you’ll be in the minority of shoppers who don’t actually require the double door to get in. Even when you’ve grown beyond bunchy, sailed past stout, and landed firmly in the land of lard, you will find that the hangers with your size on it are no longer the last one on the rack — there’s a whole new alphabet back there! This is the age of the L-cup! Boston just got a special ambulance for the obese! And look at you — you don’t even need an ambulance yet! Have another Ring Ding — you can take it, slim.

4. You get to discover that your husband is really, really in love with you, or else he’s a fantastic and indefatigable actor. Just think, if I were still the proportions I was when he met me (36-24-38, just two inches away from being zoned as a brick house!), I would always wonder if he was sticking around all these years because of me, or my measurements. Now that I’ve added the equivalent of a six-year-old child to my frame, I know it must be true love.

5. I am so easy to buy presents for. Look at the label of the item in question: does it say either “nutrition information” or “XXL?” If so, then it’s perfect for me.

6. If I see a cookie, I can just go, “Hey, I’m gonna eat that,” and then I do. Simple!

7. I’d like to add more, but I’m all out of breath from typing. Check out the other 7 Quick Takes at Jen Fulwiler’s Conversion Diary. See you on Monday, you skinny jerks.