Thursday, November 13, 2008

Finders keepers, not as clear cut as it may seem

Mini Me ran downstairs the other night, pretty excited over something. She handed me a dictionary and said, "Look inside."

What I found was a ten dollar bill. She asked if she could keep it. I told her that it's probably someone's birthday money that they stashed and forgot about. I also said that if nobody claimed it, she could have it.

I called the boys down and showed them the dictionary. I said that if they could tell me what was inside the dictionary and why, they could have it. Boy #2 said,

"A lot of words and what they mean, so people can know stuff."

"Yes, that is true, but not exactly what I was looking for."

It became apparent that they had no clue. My questioning jogged no memory of using the dictionary as a piggie bank.

When I divulged the contents and the amount, suddenly the memories came flooding back, they all remembered putting the money in there. At that point I could not judge who the real recipient of the money was and why they put it there.

I invoked the Finders Keepers Rule and gave the ten dollar bill to Mini Me.

The groans of dispair turned into yelling about how unfair I was. That is when Secret Agent Man came out of his secret lair office to remind, Boy #2 in particular, that yelling at mom is never acceptable. I got a forced, but nice and tearful apology.

The next day Boy #1 brought me the ten dollar bill and let me know that Mini Me had left it on their computer desk. The Finders Keepers Rule turned in his favor and he became the new owner of the ten dollar bill.

To her 7-year-old credit there was no whining, wailing or gnashing of teeth.

Later that night, the same night we went shoe shopping (it was a long night), the boys wanted to spend their money. While I paid for my purchases at Sears, they ran ahead to Target to peruse the toy section. By the time I got there, they had not yet made up their minds and tried to negotiate for more money. I said "no" and told them we needed to get going. Boy #2 pleaded with his brother,

"Just grab something, anything!"

They wanted to drop that ten dollar bill like it was hot, they didn't care what they spent it on, just as long as they got to spend it!

When I told them that I was not going to give them any more money and that we need to leave, Boy #2 not having learned his lesson about yelling at the woman who carried him inside of her body for nine months, yelled at me again! In Target!

That's when he got the quiet, but harsh and deadly mad mom whisper,

"This trip is over. You are not getting anything. You are not going to say another word. We are going to walk out of this mall right now."

You can imagine the tongue lashing he received all the way home.

Mini Me was pretty upset with me too. She had her eye on a new Littlest Pet Shop that I refused to buy her.

Later that night, it was a long night, I saw Mini Me packing her bags. When I asked her if she was planning on running away, she told me she was just "arranging" her purses.

The next morning, the boys were looking for their money again. It seems that they had left it on the coffee table the night before.

Apparently, Mini Me learned the finders keepers lesson. She picked it up and put it in the safest place she knew, her Hello Kitty wallet inside of her giraffe print purse.

The boys knew they were defeated. There was no arguing the point. Their little sister took advantage of the situation and profited.

Later that day, Boy #2 came home "sick" from school. While he had the house to himself, he went into his sister's room, found the purse, opened the wallet and took the money. He then hid it inside the speakers of his stereo.

When the other kids came home, he pretended to find it, handed it to his brother and told him to come tell me what they had found.

Knowing that my daughter was not foolish enough to leave the money unattended again, I immediatedly knew that something was fishy. Upon cross-examination both boys denied taking the money out of their sister's wallet.

Boy #2 was not immediately forth-coming and to Boy #1's credit he did not rat-out his brother, but Secret Agent Man, as known by his associates as "The Human Lie Detector," procured a rapid, yet unremorseful confession. Boy #2 felt fully justified believing that this money was his to begin with.

I needed to take a break and have some time to think about how I was going to deal with the sneaking, the lying, and the stealing. I let the boy stew in anticipation of punishment for over an hour, when I finally announced to him that he and I needed some time alone to talk about his behavior. I told him to get on his shoes and wait in the car, I was going to get my keys and purse and we were going to go to McDonalds for some ice cream and talk.

He sat in the car for about five minutes before he came back in to find me at my desk and said,

"I thought we were going to McDonalds."

I looked up from my computer screen and said flatly,

"I lied."

I don't know what the tears were about. The disappointment, the realization of having been lied to, whatever they were for, it was the effect I was going for. I said,

"Feels pretty crummy to be lied to, doesn't it?"

This isn't the last time our kids are going to lie to us, or be sneaky, or perhaps even steal, so the lectures and lessons have continued over the last couple of days. This whole finders keepers business has been interesting to see the revealing of their characters and note what we need to work on.

Dr. Laura or not, that was good. I will have to store this one away for the future lie detection disciplinary order of not knowing what to do-now I know agency! You are a great Mom-I really look up to you!

Hi! I like to read your blog because of your humor about being a mom and wife! I don't have any kids yet, but it is always interesting to see how seasoned moms deal with sticky kid situations - this one is one to remember!

My girls lied last week (and it just breaks your heart) and they had to throw away all their Halloween candy. They had the choice - look up 5 scriptures related to lying and use them in an essay - or throw away all your Halloween candy. I miss those Resee Cups still...

i oppose finders keepers. something forgotten in a dictionary, okay. but something left for a moment on the coffee table? you don't want people sleeping with their precious objects under their pillows!

I have been reading Laurens blog for like, ever and decided to follow her link and come and see your blog. :) Im glad I did and Im going to remember this for one day when I have kids and they lie to me.

I'm trying to think of how to word a little disagreement over "finders keepers" without sounding all negative, because I'm sure you're an amazing mom. I was just surprised that you would teach your kids that anytime someone forgets something somewhere, it's no longer theirs and is up for grabs. Giving the $10 to your daughter made some sense, because no one else claimed it and there was no way of being sure whose it was. Once you had given it to her, though, it belonged to her-- in her wallet, in the living room, wherever. Of course kids are going to get confused and start taking things when you teach them that they are allowed to swipe others belongings as soon as someone forgets something. I left my purse in my apartment living room, but it's still mine. If I accidentally left it in the supermarket, I hope someone would be honest and turn it in instead of claiming this kind of "Finders Keepers."

Anyway just some food for thought meant in the nicest way possible. Keep up the good work.

I'm trying to think of how to word a little disagreement over "finders keepers" without sounding all negative, because I'm sure you're an amazing mom. I was just surprised that you would teach your kids that anytime someone forgets something somewhere, it's no longer theirs and is up for grabs. Giving the $10 to your daughter made some sense, because no one else claimed it and there was no way of being sure whose it was. Once you had given it to her, though, it belonged to her-- in her wallet, in the living room, wherever. Of course kids are going to get confused and start taking things when you teach them that they are allowed to swipe others belongings as soon as someone forgets something. I left my purse in my apartment living room, but it's still mine. If I accidentally left it in the supermarket, I hope someone would be honest and turn it in instead of claiming this kind of "Finders Keepers."

Anyway just some food for thought meant in the nicest way possible. Keep up the good work.

I'm sure there's question in there somewhere. Perhaps it is, why "would teach your kids that anytime someone forgets something somewhere, it's no longer theirs and is up for grabs?"

That is an excellent question and since you are interested enough to ask, I am happy to answer.

What my story lacked was background and specificity.

My kids are bad about not putting their money away. They get money for chores, birthdays, and from the tooth fairy and more often than not, I find it on their bedroom floor a week later. I've told them to keep their money in their wallets, but do you think they listen to me? Nooooooooo! That is the background.

Here is the specificity.

My kids know that "finders keepers" does not apply for most situations.

Rest assured, my anonymous friend, if they find your kid's lunch money on the playground, they know to turn it into the office.

More than anything I wanted them to learn to put their money away. The lost dollar here and there hasn't had much of an impact, but this whole-ten-dollar thing has had a major impact. I am positive the next time they get money, it will go right in their wallets.

Thanks for your comments. I'm going to take your thoughts into consideration when I write this story up for the Mile High Mamas blog, I'm going to makes some changes so it is clearer.

Annie Payne

Contact Annie:

Annie is a Colorado native. She loves living in the Grand Junction/Fruita area with her husband of 20 years and their three children: Eighteen-year-old twin sons and sixteen-year-old daughter.

Annie has worked in media for over a decade. Annie started out as a blogger, where she chronicled the life and times of her growing family. Her blog attracted the attention of The Daily Sentinel, where they offered her the position of Home and Garden Columnist. Annie's enthusiasm for communicating with the masses, led her to become half of the "Gal Pal" team for Mix 104.3, where she co-hosted the drive home show every weekday with Roxy.

Currently, Annie is the host for Moms Everyday Western Colorado. She enjoys interviewing businesses and organizations that are eager to help moms make their lives easier. Annie loves that moms come to her for advice and suggestions on everything from how to pick a good preschool to where to get the best burritos!

Aside from faith and family, Annie's other passions include: Anything to do with personal development, Dressing Your Truth (She's a Type 1!), being "the fun friend," hiking, and Bollywood movies.