She Changed: Ask Dr. Chaves

about face

Hi Dr. Chaves,

I've been with my girlfriend for about 18 months and when we met, I thought she was outgoing, confident and a bit crazy. She tried to jump my bones the first night we met and had a filthy mouth. She was seeing someone at the time and was talking about wanting to go to swinger clubs and about wanting to get DP'd. Being quite open-minded I went with this. She has since decided that she is really shy and can't express herself unless drunk, and now our sex life is a nightmare. I pretty much always want sex and she never seems interested and expects 30 minutes of foreplay, initiated by me but only when I guess that she might be in the mood. Also she hates going down on me, which is almost grounds for moving on in and of itself!

Thanks, A., Texas

Sometimes you don’t get what you bargained for with relationships. I hear this more and more from couples nowadays regarding sex: “My partner use to be one way when we first started dating, and now they’re a different person. What happened to the freak in the sheets I fell for?" With dating, people often try to put their best face forward in an honest attempt at connection and likability, but it sometimes turns out to be misleading. The real “you” comes out about six to nine months after people begin dating and some honeymoon periods last longer than that. Also, it’s a red flag when someone is described as needing to be drunk to express themselves. In a perfect world, we would be able to feel sexual and uninhibited in a sober state, especially with a long-term partner. Your description is one of a woman pulling away, possibly angry or hostile toward something (or someone) in the relationship. Withholding sex, having you please her through foreplay, having you initiate, and appearing disinterested in you physically when she knows sex is a huge part of who you are has an overall punishing feel to it. I think there’s something deeper to this than that she randomly lost that lovin’ feeling. It could be something you did or something she is experiencing. It’s up to you to decide if your relationship is worth getting to the bottom of the issue and working on it together. They say that sex is the thermometer that takes the temperature of the relationship. It sounds like there is plenty for both of you to explore.

trying another route

Dear Dr. Chaves,

Can a man have an orgasm from anal? I was with a man and he had a fantastic orgasm without me touching his penis. He said that he had never done that before. It looked just like when he ejaculates — it was white and creamy. Am I wrong? If not, what was it? He said it was an incredible feeling and it was fantastic.

Thanks, B., Massachusetts

A man can definitely ejaculate from anal, or better said, from prostate stimulation. Inside a man’s rectum, there is a walnut-sized gland called the prostate. The fluid it secretes normally makes up about 30% of male ejaculate. The prostate is also very sensitive and when stimulated, can produce such pleasurable feelings that it can trigger ejaculation and orgasm. The hard part for most men is allowing anything to penetrate their anus to reach the prostate. This penetrative stimulation can happen with a finger, a toy or a penis and can be done by a guy himself or with a male or female partner. It sounds like you did something right there. My suggestion: When something is working, keep doing it.

Dr. Chaves answers questions about frequent masturbation and spanking after the jump...