Author
Topic: Marie, her Gma, and the Baby (Read 11855 times)

Many of you will remember my many posts a few years agabout my former BFF Marie. Long and short, she decided that my wedding was not as important as hers, her feelings, or really anything that didn't involve her directly, and I let my emotions get carried away, and a 16 year frendship pretty much imploded. Since then we maintained a relationship of: we chat through text somewhat often, and just see one another on occasion, and we are much happier this way. Yay!

This past February my DH and I discovered that Little One was on the way! We are due just before Halloween and are thrilled! This is the first baby on both sides in many years and we are all beyond thrilled!

We began telling family shortly after, and a little while after told friends. Marie was among those told. She expressed excitement for me and DH and said that we must be very excited as this has been on our (chiefly DH as he is now in his mid 30's) minds for a while. I thanked her and that was that. It should be noted that Marie and her DH are not really child people, so I didn't expect too much enthusiasm. Marie felt that because of her mother's immaturity (ironic, I know) that she was shouldered with being responsible for her three little brothers too much growing up so she felt that was enough "child raising" for her. I do agree with her on this, as I witnessed it. Nonetheless, I felt that our conversation was nice and friendly.

About a month after this conversation, MArie sent me a text that said something along the lines of: "BabyGirl, you should be really proud of me!" I replied, "Ok...why is that?" She said " I contained my jealousy!"

I asked what she was talking about, and she said "Well, since my DH and I were married over a year before you and MrBabyGirl, I really thought we'd have the first baby, soooo I admit that while I was excited I was a little bummed at first but I kept it too myself!"

My flabber was definitely gasted. I didn't know what really say so I said somethin along the lines of "Good for you/Awesome/Yay" and then bean dipped. But it was really bizarre to say the least. I never thought of it as a race to have kids...especially since she was pretty vehement about not wanting them! But I digress.

Fast forward to mid June....I get a text from Marie...of her ultrasound. She and her DH are due in January. OOOOOOOOOOOk. send my congratulations appropriately and be sure to conceal my confusion. I digress again.

Now comes the issue. I see her Grandma every so often as we live in the same town. Grandma knows I am pregnant, and obviously knows her granddaughter is too. Her Grandma has no idea what went down between us a few years ago. It wasn't really anyone's business, and it was painful enough for us to deal with without including input from third parties. but now Granny is gushing about how excited she is about these babies and how we MUST have a double shower.

Um, no. The idea of that makes me sick to my stomach. Like I said, Marie and I can be in the same room together, but I prefer small doses and limit it to the occasional lunch or coffee visit. My fear is that Granny will push this. I'm sure MArie would be all for it, but I'm not exactly sure how to phrase my regrets without divulging exactly why. I don't really feel like this would be an approprate time or place( none would really) to let all the drama resurface, especially when it's no one else's business.

If I phrase along the lines of: "That sounds nice, Granny, but I really think that the (2-3) showers that my family is planning is quite good for me, you should really enjoy your granddaughter's celebration with family!" I'm afraid that she will suspect something because prior to said wedding issues a few years ago, we ALWAYS went to each other's family functions. I know I don't really owe Granny any explanations, but I'm trying to find a way to ensure that none of the drama will resurface, at least not from me since I wouldn't put it past Marie to bring it up.

"Grandma, you may not throw a double shower. Marie deserves to have her family's attention on just her. It would be really rude to her to insist that she share that special day with someone else who just happens to be having a baby at the same time. Really, you need to drop this. I think it would hurt her feelings even to hear that you were thinking about it! "Marie deserves have to ALL of your attention, and to not have to share it with me."

"Grandma, you may not throw a double shower. Marie deserves to have her family's attention on just her. It would be really rude to her to insist that she share that special day with someone else who just happens to be having a baby at the same time. Really, you need to drop this. I think it would hurt her feelings even to hear that you were thinking about it! "Marie deserves have to ALL of your attention, and to not have to share it with me."

I agree in general, but this reads harshly to me. If I may:"Grandma, it's a sweet idea, but you shouldn't throw a double shower. Marie deserves to have her family's attention on just her. She shouldn't have to share that special day with someone else who just happens to be having a baby at the same time. Marie deserves have to ALL of your attention, and to not have to share it with me."

Marie's grandmother is coming from a place of love, and I think the response should acknowledge that.

"Grandma, ... Marie deserves to have her family's attention on just her. It would be really rude to her to insist that she share that special day with someone else who just happens to be having a baby at the same time. ... I think it would hurt her feelings even to hear that you were thinking about it! "Marie deserves have to ALL of your attention, and to not have to share it with me."

This was exactly the thought that came to my mind when I read the story. TootsNYC beat me to it. So just -- ditto!

Agree with others who say leave out the "that sounds nice" part. A simple, "thank you, however my family have my shower planned." If she pushes, I would avoid talking about anyone else's feelings/plans i.e. your family and say "i'm really excited for the shower my family has planned" so there is no suggestion that you'd prefer something different.

It seems to be that the default is that if grandma says this will happen that it will happen and somehow we have to stop it. Inertia is a pretty strong force.

At any point along the line, it's ok to say to Gma or to Marie "I don't want to have a double shower." End of story. If they want to create drama because you don't wan't to do it, you can't do anything about that. You can't allow yourself to be held hostage by it.

Even if someone thinks that your no is a bit too blunt, that's too bad. Neither Gma nor Marie should be making a suggestion like this without the implied "what do you think of..." being a part of it. it's perfectly reasonable to not want to have a double shower just because you don't wanna.

The low contact is. The beauty of it that my DH and I will be moving soon so I'm sure I won't see Granny nearly as often. But I just was concerned about the cat being let out of the bag.

I could be wrong in thinking Marie would go for this. She isn't really the spotlight sharing type so perhaps it wouldn't be up her alley. But because she wouldn't want to stir the boat, she may have agreed. I can definitely stress that I do not want this, I jsut wondered how much of an explanation I could give if pushed without letting said cat out.