Shape Up or Ship Out

Monday, April 9, 2007

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Polish is so not the new sexy. If it was, I’d have to make a few changes to my appearance, like growing a mustache and dying my hair bright orange.

After careful consideration I ended up staying in town this weekend and the chance to get a good look at The Polish Pro arose sooner than expected. When Dana called me Friday afternoon and asked me to go on a group ride with The Biker and his entourage I went with all your fantastic advice spinning in my head; “Don’t scan for red flags,” “Suggest you all do something together over the weekend,” etc.

As soon as I caught a glimpse of The Polish Pro, I knew I had nothing to worry about. Although a former tennis pro she was far from the Anna Kournikova look-a-like I had envisioned. Instead, she was short and big-boned, with a face that most of all reminded me of the Russian girl from “Dodgeball.” No, I’m not kidding you.

We went for a nice two-hour bike ride towards Carpinteria and I totally kicked (her) ass on the climbs. Yah! I managed to small-talk with The Biker’s best friend while riding, and he confided that the boys had been very excited about her arrival “because of her sexy accent on the phone.” Aha! I’ve decided not to make a big deal out of it but cherish the little extra piece of information as it means that my spider-senses were right to get tickled in the first place. Before we got back to SB, The Biker had asked me to join them for rides and dinners on Saturday and Sunday.

After dropping off the radar for a while, my old fling The Writer suddenly resurfaced this week in shape of an email with his latest work attached. The short story was immensely well-written, and I shot him back a quick “nice work.” As usual, that’s all it took to spark a long string of emails, which lead to a phone call, and then to me promising I’d try to hook his South African ‘bro’ up with a job. Some people know just how to push their own agenda, well aware that flattery will get you everywhere; “C, you’re fantastic at networking. Maybe you can pull some strings?” I’m such a sucker. Oh, yes I am.

I am fine having a no-strings friendship with The Writer, I just fear that he might consider this a splendid opportunity to stop by our gorgeous little surfer town to ‘catch up.’ Give an inch and he’ll take a mile. You know the type.

Saturday night, after The Polish Pro had retired to her hotel room, The Biker suddenly launched a pre-emptive strike suggesting that we clear “this whole relationship-thing” up before we both go abroad. I instantly realized that if I thought we’d ease into this conversation over months, I’d was dead-wrong. He wanted to seal the deal here and now and basically told me to shape up or ship out, buy the pig or forget about the sausage!

So when, like me, you’re apparently not that in touch with your intuition (Ryan would have told me to just go with my instincts), but have an MBA in your back-pocket, it’s time for a quick cost-benefit analysis:

Pros:

• I get great sex (in close proximity to home).

• He’s brilliant and perceptive

• He has a killer ass. Think Brad Pitt in “Fight Club.”

• The ‘monster-in-law’ lives far away.

• He’s an impeccable dresser (Italian all the way).

• He eats more than me. Because of my training, I eat a ton, so that’s a definite plus.

Cons:

• He cheated on his ex-girlfriend. (Does this mean he’ll do it again?)

• He’ll be away for work for four weeks.

• I’m going to Europe for two weeks with no possibility of a hot Euro-fling.

• There are possible indicators of classic commitment-phobia-in his late thirties, never married, moved around a lot, and not very family-oriented.

:.And, The Biker wins by a bike-length! So I told him that I am really into him, I just don’t like rushing things. However, I’m up for giving this a go, even if it means I’ll have to ditch my fear of pre-vacation exclusivity. He argued that it’s bullocks factoring that into the equation, and I gave him props for calling me on it. The boy got what he wanted, but now what? Do I tell him about my on-going conversations with The Writer, that I’ve pledged to help out his bro, and that this might entail both of them coming to town very soon?

If I suck at dating, it’s entirely possible that I suck even more at being in a semi-serious relationship, and I’m not sure if I should keep this to myself because it doesn’t mean anything (don’t rock the boat), or tell The Biker all about my slightly complicated relationship with The Writer? A bit of bonus info: The Biker knows of The Writer-and has actually read one of his books-but the fact that we’ve dated is kind of a sore subject.

Does a relationship require radical honesty, even when you know you will cause your partner to worry, or should you keep some things to yourself in the name of “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him?” What would you do?

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