How To Tell If That Cute Girl Is Actually a Robot

We've all been there: You meet a really cute girl, and you're wondering what's the best way to ask her out when it hits you: How do you know she's not really a robot?

Luckily, there are a few quick and easy ways to verify that she is, in fact, an actual human being and not some advanced automated construct designed for purposes that could only be nefarious.

The first is to determine if she is made of metal. This is pretty easy, as metal is often shiny, whereas skin tends to be significantly less reflective. Keep in mind, though, that not all metal is shiny—sometimes, it may be coated to have more of a "matte" finish. Verify by checking against your own skin, for example, your hands. If it appears that she is made of metal, then she is most likely a robot.

Now, just because she doesn't appear to be made of metal, it doesn't mean she's definitely not a robot. It is quite possible for a robot to be constructed of fiberglass, or covered in a silicon-based putty to resemble human flesh. So you've got to pay attention to how she moves.

Walking on two legs is something we've evolved to be good at over millions of years, but it isn't an action easily reproduced artificially. Spend two minutes YouTubing "walking robot," and you'll see for yourself just how awkward they are. This is why most robots still favor moving around on wheels or treads. So look at her feet. If she has wheels or treads, then she is most likely a robot. If she appears to easily and non-awkwardly walk around on two legs, she probably isn't.

Again though, this alone isn't foolproof. It's possible she's just confined to a wheelchair, in which case accusing her of being a robot would be an incredibly insensitive thing to do and you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, if she is wearing high-heeled shoes, and is inexperienced walking around in them, her walk may closely resemble a robot's even though she isn't truly one herself. So we need to move on to other ways of testing whether or not she's really a person.

One thing to keep in mind about robots is that their "brains" are actually highly-advanced computer processors, able to perform calculations at breathtakingly high speeds. So try shouting an impossible math problem at her, for example, say, "Hey Jessica, what's 5,986,723 cubed minus four?" If she immediately answers, "214,569,254,676,669,315,063," then robot. If her reply is more along the lines of "I don't know," or, "What?" or, "Leave me alone, you disgusting creeper," probably not a robot.

However, it is possible for a robot to be programmed to avoid this kind of trap and respond in a human-like manner, even though it's totally capable of doing the math. So there's one more trick you can pull to make sure she's a person and not a robot.

Robots, regardless of whether they are made of metal or plastic, or if they have wheels or legs, are filled with sensitive electronic components. And as anyone who's dropped their phone in the toilet can tell you, sensitive electronic components tend to stop working when submerged. So the next time she's near a pool or at the beach, give her a good shove into the water. If she sparks or shorts out in any way, you've conclusively proven she's a robot. If she doesn't, then she's very probably a person. A person who probably just dumped you.

There's one last thing you'll want to keep in mind when determining whether or not that cute girl is in fact a robot, and that is this: she probably isn't. What would be the point of a robot disguised as a cute girl? Why would that be a thing?

Though you should still keep an eye out, just in case she happens to work as a wi-fi hotspot.