The Creeping Sharia Meets The Walking Dead

Texans Fear Muslim Corpses Will Escape Planned Cemetery, Do Jihad On Them

Oh, lookie here, it’s Texans being paranoid again, only this time it’s not about Jade Helm 15, chemtrails, or gay wedding registries at the Mega-Lo Mart. A bunch of nice folks in North Texas are jes’ powerful afeared that if a Muslim congregation gets permission to build a new cemetery, the next thing you know, there’ll be mosques, madrassas, and fellers walking around in 10-gallon keffiyehs all over the place.

The Muslim Corpse Panic (which would be a decent name for a band) is taking place in Farmersville, Texas, a mere 25 miles away from Garland, where those two guys from Arizona tried to attack the stupid Draw Mohammed Contest. It’s not unlike a similar outbreak in Tennessee in 2014, in which many Concerned Christians had themselves a fine hissy over the addition of a small graveyard to the Islamic Center of Murfreesboro. As we noted at the time:

Opposition to the cemetery had nothing to do with bigotry or Islamophobia, no no no — people are just worried that since Muslim burials don’t use caskets, vaults, or embalming, those dead Muslim bodies might poison the city’s drinking water. So this is not about their filthy alien religion; it is only about the threat posed to public health by their filthy alien religious practices.

And wouldn’t you know it, the good people — that is to say, the non-Muslims — of Farmersville are also worried about the sanitary implications of putting bodies six feet under without proper Christian hygienic preparations. Oh, and also, they’re just plain more honest about how they are scared to death that once you start allowing dead Muslims in their county, then live ones will follow, what with all the Sharia Law, the Holy War, and the shawarma restaurants.

“The concern for us is the radical element of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The Dallas Morning News. He said he thinks the cemetery would be the first step toward a broader Muslim expansion in town.

“How can we stop a mosque or madrassa training center from going in there?” he asked, referring to a type of Islamic school.

Well, shoot, Preacher, if you’re allowed to fill innocent children’s heads with dangerous nonsense like Leviticus, or the genocidal bits in Deuteronomy and Joshua, we aren’t so sure you have any grounds to complain.

Angry residents packed a recent meeting to consider Islamic Association of Collin County’s request to develop 35 acres as a cemetery, which would include such offenses to Texas Jebus as “an open-air pavilion and small retail component that would run along a busy highway through town.” Farmersville already has been tainted by such exotic institutions as a “Buddhist center and Mormon church,” but apparently holes in the ground with ex-Muslims in them was simply more than the populace could bear.

Some wise souls, who have clearly been studying up on Radical Islam on the Internet, feared that those crazy Muslims might just be leaving bodies willy-nilly all over the place, like they do back in Muslimland:

“When somebody dies, they bury them at that time,” Farmersville resident Troy Gosnell told KTVT-TV. “You don’t know whether they were shot, diseased or anything else. All they do is wrap them in a sheet, throw them in the grave and bury them.”

And then, for all he knows, they throw in a live Christian baby, too, plus an offering of camel dung.

A spokesman for the Islamic Association, Khalil Abdur-Rashid, explained, possibly with his eyes rolling in frustration, that no, actually, “shrouded bodies would be placed in caskets and entombed in vaults underground,” and also there were no plans for a mosque down there underground either, not that it will reassure any of the locals, because look at that guy’s funny foreign name, and we all know that Muslims are required to lie to fool the infidels, it’s just part of their religion, according to the Internet.

“There’s just a basic concern or distrust about the cemetery coming into town,” said Mayor Joe Helmberger, who calls the townspeople’s worries unwarranted.

He said the cemetery would be approved as long as the town’s development standards are met, pointing out that the U.S. was founded on religious freedom and that the association is simply trying to secure a burial site.

We have a sinking feeling that Mayor Helmberger’s calm, rational understanding of religious freedom is probably going to be an issue come election time, since he is clearly a dangerous radical, or at least has been fooled by Sharia creeping all over him.

CBS DFW reported earlier in the week that locals had a perfectly brilliant plan to put an end to the cemetery plans, however:

Residents have organized and some are making threats to keep it from being approved. Some are threatening to dump pigs blood and put pigs heads on a post so Muslims won’t buy the land.

It looks like either they didn’t Carrie out that operation, or that the Islamic Association wasn’t quite so easy to frighten with a Lord of the Flies reenactment. The AP reports that the purchase of the land has been completed, according to Alia Salem, the executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations’ Dallas-Fort Worth chapter. Maybe they could hand a conch shell to the locals as a peace offering.

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
He loves upvoting your comments but Disqus is broken and his upvotes don't "stick." Just assume he upvoted what you said, because it was excellent and witty.

No kidding. Why Jesus wouldn’t stand for this (or lie down for it for that matter). Just because Jesus was supposed to have been wrapped in a sheet (without embalming) and left above ground in a cave with a rock placed in front of it, what these Muslims want is completely different from what happened to Jesus. You see, Muslims plan on using coffins and digging 6 foot holes to bury their dead. Not the same at all.

Solipsister

And Texas law doesn’t even require embalming. Or a casket. Or a vault.

JoeChristmas

Question. Do muslim jihad zombies fast during ramadan?
Asking for a friend.

Duckbudder

Dining on brains in Texas would be a fast 24/7/365.

JoeChristmas

Dude, I did not see that one.

AngryBlakGuy

…so Jade Helm was just a distraction from the governments true plans!!!

weejee

Nothing up this sleeve thobe.

Ryan Denniston

Nope. This is not the real plan, this is just a smokescreen. The real plan will be revealed any day now (in our newsletter for the low cost of $79.99 per year, annually).

Randy Riddle

Remind me to surround myself with Muslims so these individuals will come nowhere near my front door.

Riley Whodat Venable

There is a mosque about 4 blocks fom my house, and a Buddhist temple about 3 blocks the other direction. I haven’t seen a Jehovah’s witness in years. I do buy Christmas candles from the boys at Jesuit High School.

Villago Delenda Est

So, the secret to keeping Jehova’s Witnesses away is to live near a mosque or a Buddhist temple? If you toss in a synagogue, does that work to keep the Mormons away too?

Riley Whodat Venable

Well, there is a Lutheran church about a block from the mosque, and a Catholic church across the street from the Buddhists. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen any Mormons in a while. Our closest Jewish temple is about 3 miles away.

willi0000000

can i buy your rock?

Sharkey

…but everybody prefers the one by the strip club.

bobbert

Near the zoo.

Riley Whodat Venable

Of course. But we attend on different days. No pork on the buffet on Fridays or Saturdays.

Michael Smith

I’d like to make a black and white spoof of a 1950’s era B-horror movie, in which our hero moves to a new town only to find that it is populated by insane Wingnuts who won’t shut up and bother him all the time with their inane gripes. In his desperation, he consults a “witch doctor” (the secretly liberal town librarian), who tells him to carry a Koran around to keep the Wingnuts away.

weejee

♪ Bury me derp on the lone prairie
Where intolerance howls with Confederate flags to see
And close minds, surrounding me —
Bury me derp on the lone prairie ♪

Riley Whodat Venable

Talk about stupid. These people should be preparing for Jade Helm 15 and being herded into FEMA camps. These poor rednecks never keep up with current events.

My experience would lead me to say Jehovah’s Witness zombies. I’d take The Watchtower, but they ain’t going away.

Antimassacree

Those poor Muslim zombies are going to be awfully hungry after their failed attempts to find any bahrains (Good one, Dok!) in rural Texas.

Bearpaw01

Well, there’s the mayor, and probably a few others.

Antimassacree

Sure, quoting the GOP front-runner, probably a few are good people.

Antimassacree

(Inspired by the GOP Frontrunner) Sure, probably some of them are smart people.

SuspectedDemocrat

If they’re worried about groundwater, just fill the graves with coal ash and rinse it with fracking chemicals every day. That should set their minds at ease.

calliecallie

I think Donald Trump needs to build that wall a tad farther north.

Antimassacree

A Mason-Dixon Line wall would suit me fine.

Blank Ron

Can you make sure Maryland’s on the proper side? Don’t want to have to cross TWO borders when I go to visit, TYVM.

eddi

And get the Texans to pay for it?

elviouslyqueer

“The concern for us is the radical element of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The Dallas Morning News. He said he thinks the cemetery would be the first step toward a broader Muslim expansion in town.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say zombies.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish with ease,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction zombies
are also great
And would please.

Thanks for that. Now “Muslim zombie hymen” is banging around in my head.

Antimassacree

There will be blood. (Sorry.)

clubseal

Comments can’t be blank.

clubseal

Is that rigor, or are you happy to see me?

momatad

sounds like a good name for a punk band

marxalot

Sounds like a Cramps single.

Michael Smith

Look I know that those old voting requirements (like poll taxes and ancestry requirements) are not allowed, and I think that’s good because they were racist, but come on – should these headless chickens be allowed to vote this reasonable mayor out for such a senseless reason?

I think that, in lieu of poll taxes and such, we should show potential voters a ridiculous Facebook rumor (Obama Plans to Limit Right to Use Cash – seriously I saw that one recently) – if they laugh incredulously, they are allowed to vote; if they think about it for a few moments, we make them read some books and let them vote next time; if they instantly click share, and comment about how Something Needs to Be Done, they are never allowed to vote again.

I think that would be a lot better.

marxalot

Just start posting about Obummerz Exceutive UNLEGISLATED!!!!! Order Makes Real Muricans Into Illegals!!! With New DICTATORSHIP. Tell them all elections have been cancelled, and the people who show up at the polling places anyway will have their names put on a list for detention camps. It’ll cut down on the folks we don’t need voting.

HolidayinCambodia

I wish I could make a “Thriller” joke here.

Mavenmaven

Better Red than Dead!

dslindc

First it was creeping sharia™, now it’s decomposing sharia! Oh the humanity!

schmannity

George Romero’s Dawn of the Derp.

Zippy

The Texas brainsaw massacre

malsperanza

Poor Texas: caught between Muslim Zombie Jihad and Jade Helm. Thank goodness they’ve got that big NASA installation in Dallas, so they can all emigrate to the moon. Now that it as volcanoes, that means there’s fire and air, so they should do fine.

There was a nice time in there, with the mayor actually doing the right thing. Of course, it was so hidden among the asshole Texas derp that it was clearly outweighed.

willi0000000

i think you mean “about to be ex-mayor”

momatad

sad to say, I think this might be true. They’ll vote him out for not ‘protecting them from the scourge’.

marxalot

One good swimmer thrashing away, head down, against a riptide of stupid.

crunchyknee

One of these things is real:

Zombies
Creeping Sharia
Dumbass Texans

actor212

B

I just cleared a few hundred yards of creeping sharia from my garden fence, in fact.

Or maybe they were morning glories. Can’t be too careful, you see

Thaumaturgist

Is creeping sharia the same as kudzu?

actor212

Isn;t it?

cleanfront

This is too hard. I’m still wrapping my head around ‘corporations are people’.

Antimassacree

“David J. Meeks”, funny foreign name.

–Running Bear

Rick Hill

“How can we stop a mosque or madrassa training center from going in there?”

This is, clearly, very important. They don’t want to have the militia groups have competition in vying for the hearts and minds of new converts. They need every able bodied, mentally challenged individual ready for when the government comes for their freedumbs.

Biff52

Freedumb for me, none for thee.

Rick Hill

FEMA camps yesterday and FEMA camps tomorrow but none today….

Bill Slider

Just when one thinks they have heard it all, here come the Christian Zombies to inform us that we have seen nothing yet. Read your Bible idiots. Jesus was buried wrapped in a shrowd, no coffin, no vault. The Muslims have said they intend to bury their dead in coffins and vaults, however. I assume, therefore, that Texas law requires them. Don’t look now, but I will bet that there are real atheists buried in some of those Christian Texas cemeteries.

Villago Delenda Est

Or…even worse…CATHOLICS!

Bill Slider

Yep.

eddi

How about a Catholic atheist? I qualify so there must be others.

Villago Delenda Est

“The concern for us is the radical element of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The Dallas Morning News

I’m far more concerned about the radical element of Christianity, as typified by assholes like David J. Meeks.

Ilgattomorte

I read this story yesterday and the reaction surprised me until I thought to myself, “Oh poor Texas. They must be upset that Florida’s been getting so much attention.”

Villago Delenda Est

We have a sinking feeling that Mayor Helmberger’s calm, rational
understanding of religious freedom is probably going to be an issue come
election time, since he is clearly a dangerous radical, or at least has
been fooled by Sharia creeping all over him.

Well, he’s obviously ignorant of what “religious freedom” means, as Islam, like Catholicism, is not a “real” religion.

actor212

They’ll store cow shit and pig shit in ponds that explode and factories that blow up, but a few dozen human bodies and suddenly they’re all whiny-ass tittybaby?

Where did you get that photograph of the rapture? It is supposed to be secret!!

MrBlobfish

Angry residents. Are there any other kind in Texas?

Zyxomma

Well, there are plenty of Democrats trying to turn TX back into a sane state. Start here: http://juanitajean.com

UnsaltedSinner

“…people are just worried that since Muslim burials don’t use caskets, vaults, or embalming, those dead Muslim bodies might poison the city’s drinking water.”

I Am Not A Scientist, but isn’t embalming fluid something you would want to keep out of your drinking water?

Mehmeisterjr

It’s like fracking only bad Muslin fracking, not the good Christian kind.

Rotational Symmetry

I am not an expert but it sounds like Muslim burial practices are not that different from Orthodox Jewish burial practices. Maybe somebody should ask these fine folk how they would feel about Us Jooz burying our dead in their sacred Christian dirt?

SuspectedDemocrat

That’s the brilliance of their plan. Pigs blood also keeps the Jews away! (and also any sane person)

Biff52

Hannibal Lecter has no problems with it.

Blank Ron

That’s a trick question, right?

Thaumaturgist

Is a Muslim still a Muslim after the Mormons baptise his corpse? Maybe that would cure the problem.

jmk

But that’s a whole different problem for the good folks of Derpistan, because, as any Yahoo Comments contributor will tell you, Mormons aren’t Christian, either.

Biff52

Not fair! Just when they’re supposed to get their 72 virgins, some asshole turns them Mormon?

Blank Ron

Magic underwear is definitely no substitute for 72 virgins. No matter how nicely the waistband fits.

Mehmeisterjr

First, they buried the dead and I said nothing because I was not dead.

Amy!

Yeah, well, if you were dead, and they buried you, what would you say then, huh? Huh? Huh? Quidditch rat demonstration!

Barbara Delaney

Interesting that as more enlightened people are becoming aware of Green Burials these people want to keep their soil filled with embalming fluids.

Texans, always looking to the past for inspiration.

Latverian Diplomat

It’s all those New Testament references to formaldehyde that have people confused.

I remember a PBS show about the purported tomb of Jesus, which is stone structure inside a church tensely shared between half a dozen or so Christian denominations (none of them Protestant). But the “Holy Land” tourists find the place a bit creepy, so there’s a “Garden Tomb” which is even more likely to be fake, but it’s popular because it’s a pleasant outdoor setting more similar to a modern American cemetery.

“The concern for us is the radical element
of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The
Dallas Morning News. He said he thinks the cemetery would be the first
step toward a broader Muslim expansion in town.

From one Christian to another: Jesus loves you; everyone else thinks you are an asshole. Resign.

“Muslim Corpse Panic” – new anime series.

RachelK

Holy shit, y’all. This is my grandmother’s hometown. My great-aunt used to be the mayor and before that, when it was a dry county (maybe still is?) her father was the town’s big bootlegger. He was awesome, and taught me how to cheat at poker, and taught my grandmother how to hide bottles of gin in the potato field. I never thought I’d see a news story about Farmersville, but of course, I always knew that if I did, it would be something like this. Sigh.

cessnadriver

Zeppo Marx was a bit of a real estate genius and managed the family’s real estate holdings.

He would buy a large tract of land and threaten to build a Jewish cemetery on said land. Outraged Christers would then buy the land from them at a premium.

One tract was then used to build a country club. Which was restricted.

Relativicus

The thing that sets my eyes rolling so fast they look as if they’re hardly moving is the firmly entrenched belief that the mere sight of a can of Spam makes Muslims go running for the hills yelling “Ewwwww, GAH! Ickyickyickyicky… grossgrossgross!!!!” (but in Islamese). Folks, you don’t need to waste a hog to tell prospective neighbors you’re disgusting hateful slobs. You can make the same point utilizing items from your home, or bowels. Just express yourselves and folks will get your meaning.

Mintie

Sorry, but the Muslims are right on that score. Spam is nasty.

Biff52

Of course they offered up the reasonable alternative of being allowed to bury their dead in the xtian cemetery down the road, right?

LarkintheAM

they didn’t Carrie out that operation
ISWYDT, Doc. :-P

david green

“Texans being paranoid again”. Don’t you mean “still”? That state, despite all their bluster, is the most frightened state in the Union.

Alex Grey

Please fucking carry out your promise to secede; increase the rest of the country’s average intelligence…