Curses! Hand it to the feds to insult us on every corner

Each and every day, millions upon millions of unwitting Americans are cursed by an offensive, federally approved hand gesture.

It happens every time innocent pedestrians wait to cross the street at intersections throughout the United States, in towns big and small.

See that traffic signal -- the one with the open palm thrust forward -- flashing at you right in the face? You probably assume it means "Don't Walk."

Ah, but sadly, you're wrong.

It's the "moutza."

The moutza is a Greek hand curse -- the palm extended, fingers spread out, the hand thrusting forward, usually accompanied by the terrible sound of "Na!" -- which means, "Here, take it!"

The gesture sort of means to "screw off" (but without the sex), to get lost, and to go to hell, yet not before every atom of your being is dispersed throughout the cosmos into absolute nothingness.

If you want to learn to do it for yourself, you'll find safe, free, expert instruction on a new Tribune video (another film de Wings), at www.chicagotribune.com/moutza.

This way, you practice in the privacy of your own home or office until you're confident enough to flash your hand in public.

Why am I letting you in on my Greek secret? It's time Americans stop using the unimaginative and sexually crude middle finger.

The moutza is more sophisticated, adaptable for almost every situation.

Even so, it's just plain wrong for the government to give innocent American taxpayers a full frontal as they cross the street.

To verify this startling discovery, we consulted esteemed experts. They're seasoned pros in the one-handed moutza, the double, the reverse moutza out the car window after someone cuts you off in traffic, and the dreaded 20-digit moutza, which involves both hands and two naked feet with angry toes.

Who are these men so wise in the ways of the moutza?

You can find them at the Billy Goat Tavern underneath Michigan Avenue. Proprietor Sam Sianis and grill men Spiros and Nonda have skills far beyond my own meager American-born capabilities.

"Oh, the moutza?" said Spiros, while flipping burgers. "I don't know how can I explain, but that's not good for the Greeks. Not sex things. It means something bad."

Nonda wasn't shy. "It means 'Go to hell!'" he said, and with an Hellenic flourish, he thrust his palm forward to the camera.

Sam Sianis has seven decades of experience with this art form. Spiros said Sam gives him lessons at least once a day. "Too many times," Spiros said with a sigh.

"When you argue for something, they give you both, like this!" said Sam, demonstrating a textbook double-handed moutza.

Then we walked upstairs, so they could see the offensive traffic signal for themselves.

"Oh, my God, it's the moutza!" cried Spiros.

"Yes, it is!" said Nonda.

They started to moutza the traffic signal.

"Take it back!" shrieked Sam, giving the traffic signal an over-the-shoulder double. "Na! Take it back!"

"The hand is simply a caricature of a police officer's hand telling you not to walk," said agency spokesman Doug Hecox.

So the government is not giving us the moutza?

"That's not the government's intention, no," he said. "There's no insult intended."

Yeah, sure. Na!

Another federal researcher, Bob Cullen, came up with a bureaucratic way out of the embarrassment: Let's just blame Canada. Cullen supplied a copy of a 1971 story in the Winnipeg Free Press, which states that the hand signal originated there in the late 1960s. Naturally, the Canadians will blame Richard Nixon, the biggest moutza giver in American history.

Impolite American bureaucrats and their culturally insensitive Canadian cousins probably like giving us the moutza because they don't have to spell out "Don't Walk" in English. They'd rather use politically correct pictographs, even if those pictographs tell us to go to hell.

Because of the Tribune's inquiries, the feds are probably holding a meeting to deal with the M-word. We'll most likely be assigned a Moutza Czar, who will regulate the gesture, then tax the heck out of it, so the middle class can't afford it.

If our traffic signals dared use the middle finger, there would be shrieks aplenty. Or the Italian thumb flick off the teeth, or the Dutch index finger to the temple, or the Mexican elbow, and on and on.

Government keeps telling us that ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it.

And so it is with the moutza.

Wake up, my fellow Americans. Arm yourselves with the hand, and demand that Washington take its moutzas back.