A blog about video games and not much else. Updates at intervals of time.

Friday, November 22, 2013

An Unrestrained Ramble on the Inconvenience of Icicles

…this was probably a bad idea.

These were the thoughts
of our stalwart hero, me, as I stared
directly into a pit of razor-sharp, pointed icicle stalagmites (stalagmicicles,
if you will). I was suspended upside down on a thin cord of rope, whose two
ends were attached to opposing walls of a very tall, icy chamber. I could tell
you immediately and promptly whether or not I made it across the deadly pit to the
ledge that was sticking out of one side. In fact, if you stop munching on
narrative tension long enough to take a refreshing sip of common sense, you can
probably deduce the answer right now. But it would probably be more satisfying
if I put off that impending tension for a bit while I dodder off back to how
this all began, right? Shut up, it so
would. So let’s go back in time a bit…

And so there I was; in a
cold cavern whose blue walls glittered and glowed from shafts of light from
above, as I slid along an icy surface towards a gigantic hole in the floor and
the footsteps of a gigantic figure followed somewhere not far behind. As I
jumped into the pit, I noticed that there seemed to be a large amount of
razor-sharp, pointed icicle stalagmites (there was probably a more concise way
to put that) at the bottom and…hang on. I think I might have to go just a bit further back than this. Let’s try
again.

As I looked through the
dense clouds surrounding me, cold biting through my clothing, I saw it. Up
ahead of me and Scrappy rose what appeared to be a giant spire of ice and…okay,
this isn’t much better, is it? Further back.

I was passing by a pool,
and normally I would be wondering why a medical institution would bother having
an indoor pool, but my attention was more occupied with what I was trying to
pretend didn’t sound like breathing.
Then I…no wait, what?! This is too
far back. Uh…

“I remember it like it
was yesterday…yesterday…yesterday…” said a man whose skull appeared to be
partially melted and oh no I am NOT
listening to this flashback a third time less far back less far back!

…this was probably a bad idea.

These were the thoughts
of our stalwart hero, me, as I stared
directly into a word processor filled with the results of improper use of the
narrative device In Medias Res. I was suspended perfectly upright within
several paragraphs of writing I shouldn’t have committed to and an extended
metaphor that was going nowhere. So I decided to drop the first paragraph
parallels, pretend the last 400 or so words hadn’t happened and start at the
best approximation of the beginning I could muster: where I left off last time.

***

After reading the grim
note left for me in a pile of ash, I left the cave and reconvened with Scrappy
at the entrance. He looked excited to see me and yipped at my arrival as I gave
him a pat and unstrapped my travel pack from him. I suppose it had been over a
day since he’d seen me, from his perspective. Luckily, a little known fact
about Wyverns is that they can subsist on a single meal of food and drink for
up to months as long as it’s hearty and supplemented with a small amount of
blood from their natural prey, Harpies. Then again, I suppose there are a lot
of little known facts about Wyverns. The fact that they exist, to pick a random
example.

I pulled my laptop from
my pack and started typing out a transcript of my travels as I typically tend
to. As I was posting the account to my blog, my stomach pointedly reminded me
that subsisting on a single meal for a month is something that humans had bit more trouble with.
Luckily, I was sure I had thought ahead and packed a plentiful bounty of
rations.

I retrieved the map and
was reminded that sometimes optimism isn’t the best policy as I stared at a
block of ramen and half a bottle of unfinished Powerade. I didn’t even think I owned Powerade. If Gatorade is mediocre
flavored water than Powerade is an artificially flavored imitation of mediocre flavored water. Like a quadruple amputee
admiring the serenity and grace of a man in a wheelchair. Ah well, desperate
times call for desperate measures and all that. So I downed the tepid
water-esque liquid substance and grabbed the block of ramen. At least this
would be tasty…if I had thought to bring any water.

As I crunched on my
noodle block I unrolled the map I had received from Wolwurren’s occult
hospital. It seemed that the nearest deposit of the insidiarum consilium, the plant that could cure my case of Chrono
Cough, was somewhere up in the northern reaches of Canada. While I still had
the presence of mind to do so, I snapped a picture of the map with my smart
phone in case I needed a second copy. My time was limited at this point,
considering the note I received implied that whoever burned down the first
patch of the plant was racing me to the next one. My nimrod of a nemesis, Dr.
Acidmeltskull, would be the obvious candidate. But it really hadn’t seemed like
he’d known about my illness in our last encounter. Not to mention his style wasn’t
this…legitimately deadly. He wouldn’t be able to resist bragging and overcomplicating
things in typical super-villain style. Really, he’d be almost endearing were it
not for the whole murderous intent thing.

So as I mounted Scrappy
and headed off in the direction of the frozen north, I couldn’t help but
wonder. If the nefarious Doctor wasn’t my competitor for the cure, then who
could it be? I’d certainly had a number of crazy adventures over the years that
may or may not have been left open to bite me in the ass later as per typical
narrative structure. But most of the enemies
I’d fought were monsters or other similarly guilt-free targets, like robots and
such. Though I’ve never fought any Nazis, and honestly that’s always been a
point on my bucket list. Of course at this point fighting some of them would
probably require time travel, but…well I’m getting a little of course pondering
here.

The point is that most of
my foes were dead and buried, six feet under, pushing up flowers of various
varieties or taking a pleasant siesta with underwater dwelling creatures.
They’re dead, is what I’m saying. So either the Doctor was actually behind all
this, I was forgetting an old enemy, or this was someone new entirely. No
matter who was pulling the strings here, I suspected I would find out soon. At
least I hoped so, because if they just stayed ahead of me and burned everything
to the ground I would be proper
screwed.

***

My thoughts were
interrupted by a chill wind, my relevant musings having coincidentally ended
exactly as I arrived. As I looked through the dense clouds surrounding me, cold
biting through my clothing, I saw it. Up ahead of me and Scrappy rose what
appeared to be a giant spire of ice and snow, too unnatural to be there by
coincidence. It almost looked like some sort of palace of ice, which might seem
impractical and unlikely to someone who doesn’t spend almost all of their time
playing video games. Fortunately, I didn’t have any such hang-ups as those
boring, rational human beings would and knew instantly that this must be where
the plant was held.

I landed Scrappy at an
outcropping near a gap in the icy walls which looked like the front entrance to
the structure. I told him to stay put and rooted through my pack for relevant
supplies. I hadn’t brought much in terms of adventuring gear to my initial trip
to the hospital, because time had been short and why would I? Still, I did pack
my concealed laser pistol which had aided me not too far back,
which I kept with me as a last resort. I also pulled from my pack two
sophisticated grapple guns/zip lines, and if you have to ask why I kept
unnecessary grappling guns with me you don’t know me very well at all.

The gigantic door-shaped
opening to the ice palace loomed in front of me as I crept cautiously forward. Not
only could my plant pillager have planned to place a painfully perilous problem
in my path up ahead, but this place didn’t exactly look welcoming to begin
with. On the other side of the door I emerged into an enormous hallway, so long
I couldn’t see the end of it from my position. The passage was relatively
unadorned, despite being what seemed like a dozen stories tall, and apart from
the occasional humongous windows cut out of the sheer walls of ice on either
side of me there wasn’t much else to see.

This changed as I finally
appeared to reach the end of the passageway. In the faint distance I began to
see the shape of a positively gigantic throne, probably hundreds of feet tall,
rising from out of an icy fog shrouding the end of the hall. And as I
approached closer, becoming faintly visible on that throne appeared to be some
kind of…

“WHO DARES TO ENTER THE
LAIR OF THE CANADIAN FROST GIANTS?!?!”

…gigantic figure, which
having just shouted at me was now thundering towards me. It’s footsteps shook
the ground almost enough to throw me off balance where I stood, and were louder
than I was after losing a bout of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I looked behind me
and realized that the distance to the windows was at least, say, 80 feet up and
the entrance was an immeasurable distance behind me. Deciding to take my
chances, I gulped and shouted forth nervously: “Um…HI!”

“HI?!?!” boomed the
crashing colossus as it slowed its approach towards me. “IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE
TO SAY IN THE PRSENCE OF THE MIGHTY KING OF THE CANADIAN FROST GIANTS?!?!”

“Uh…is there a
distinction that makes you the Canadian
Frost Giants?” I inquired for lack of anything better to open with.

The giant slowed to a
halt in front of me. Its feet were definitely
big enough to crush me, the first fact I noticed for absolutely no reason in
particular. The second was that the thing was something like 50 feet tall, and
appeared to be made entirely of dark grey stone marbled with shimmering ice.
The third fact about it was the answer to my question, which became immediately
apparent when the giant humanoid kneeled down to bring its massive skull level
with me, leaving me face to face with an ice giant…with the colossal head of a
moose.

Its head was mostly
stone, but the top of it was adorned with equally huge horns made of pure ice. Sharp ice, I couldn’t help but notice as
I looked upon the crystalline structure stabbing up towards the distant
ceiling. Another sharp structure of
ice was its beard, which grazed the ground close enough to where I was standing
to make me more nervous than I already was. It had a shimmering crown of
translucent blue and white upon its head, and its eyes were icy orbs of golden
glass, gazing directly at me with piercing intensity.

As I looked upon the
frost giant it sneered at me, its great granite lips parting to reveal
individual teeth about the size of my entire body. As it did this its nostrils,
which were about the size a typical doorway to begin with, flared even larger
and a wave of breath snorted out towards me. Said breath was so warm it melted
some of the snow beneath my feet, but the heat wasn’t near as bad as the smell.
It smelled like a surge of damp, rotting meat that had been graced with the
slightest lingering hint of maple syrup.

I cleared my throat, eyes
wide. “…ah” I said meekly. “I suppose that explains that question.”

“PUNY LITTLE MAMMAL!!”
boomed the massive moose man, “WHY HAVE YOU THE GALL TO WALTZ RIGHT INTO THE
SACRED HALL OF MY MAJESTIC ICE PALACE?!?!”

“Eheh, uh, I t-take it
you don’t like visitors much…?” I responded with an anxious smile.

The towering titan
responded to this by simply flaring his nostrils again and narrowing its eyes.

The great giant stared at
me with a furrowed brow and a frown for a moment, but then he snorted and
started to stand with the hint of smirk on his face.

“I CANNOT TELL IF IT BE
YOUR FOOLHARDY BRAVERY OR YOUR IMMENSE STUPIDITY, BUT YOU AMUSE ME ENOUGH TO
ALLOW YOU TO LIVE A BIT LONGER.” As he said this, the cold colossus turned and started
slowly back towards his throne, motioning with his hand for me to follow. Even
with his leisurely pace, I had to jog to keep up with him.

“…so” I said between
pants as I jogged alongside him, “I don’t mean to…impose or anything but…like I
said I’m looking…for a rare plant…”

We soon reached the back
of the room, which I noticed had (comparatively) smaller passages protruding
from either side. I stopped to catch my breath as the King of the Canadian
Frost Giants turned and sat on his throne. He rested his massive mug on his humongous
hand and looked down upon me with a cold, regal expression, one eyebrow
slightly raised from its usual furrowed state. I finished gulping air and spoke
up again.

“Right, so, I need this
rare plant to cure an equally rare disease, which may kill me if I don’t cure
it soon enough. I was given a map that claimed some of the plant might be
here…?”

“HMPH” snorted the regal
rock. “WE GREAT FROST GIANTS DO NOT BOTHER WITH FLIMSY VEGETATION. SO I SUPPOSE
THE ONLY PLACE YOUR PLANT MIGHT LIE IS IN OUR ANCIENT TREASURE ROOM, WHERE WE
HAVE KEPT THE SPOILS OF MANY ENEMIES LONG PAST.”

I perked up at this. “So
you’re saying you might have the plant I need?!” I asked.

“PERHAPS,” mused the
monolith moose monarch, “BUT I AM STILL NOT SURE THAT-“

“SIRE!” came another
booming voice from down one of the side passages. “OUR SCOUTS HAVE SPOTTED AN
ONCOMING VESSEL!” As this was said, a smaller moose-headed frost giant (so only
about 40 feet or so) stomped into the
frame of the doorway.

“WHAT?!?!” exclaimed the
king.

“YES SIRE, IT APPEARS TO
BE SOME SORT OF ODDLY SHAPED ZEPPLIN!” said the new frost giant. “IT APPEARS TO
BE ARMED. AND IT’S HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE ICE PALACE!”

The king turned his
attention back to me, his face full of rage. Oh no. “SO!!! YOU WOULD DISTRACT
US WITH INNOCENT CLAIMS WHILE YOUR ALLIES PREPARE TO STRIKE!!!”

“What?! No!” I said
frantically. “I have no idea who or what that is! I only wanted to come here to
look for-“

“…fair enough”, I said.
At this I drew and fired one of my grappling hooks in a single motion, and it
lodged itself by the frame of the side doorway the second giant had emerged
from. The king saw this and reacted about how you’d expect, crying out and
lifting an imposing fist above my head. But by the time it descended I was
already well away, reeling in towards the door. I released the grappling hook
midway through my approach and slid straight through the legs of the king’s
bewildered companion, into the hallway beyond.

I was home free!...not
counting the two gigantic Canadian frost giants quickly turning to give chase.
“STOP HIM!” shouted the king with a cry that shook the frozen citadel. “AFTER
THE MORTAL! CRUSH HIM! STOMP HIM! THROW HIM IN THE PIT TO ROT!”

I was getting the slightest vibe that sticking around to
shoot the breeze with them was inadvisable, but I couldn’t outrun these
behemoths on foot. Thinking quickly, I grappled to one of the hallway walls and
retracted the grapple midway, only to fire my second grapple diagonally across
to the other wall. I slid down the hallway, skating slightly serpentine as the
terrible titans trudged tremendously behind. I saw another side passage up
ahead and thinking that anything would be better than continuing my efforts to
outrun creatures ten times as tall as me, I swung into it as I approached.

The room I entered next
was also largely unadorned and also largely large. In the center of the room
lay a massive pit that didn’t bode too well. However the opposite side of the
room had another doorway, which seemed promising. But as I slid towards it, it
transformed into a doorway with another frost giant standing in it, which was
far less promising.

“ACH, WHAT’S THIS HERE?!”
cried the new giant. “ANOTHER ONE FOR THE PIT?!?!”

“BLOCK THE ENTRANCE SO HE
CAN’T ESCAPE!!” came the cry of the king from the hall I’d just exited. “MAKE
SURE HE DOESN’T SLIDE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS!!!”

This was not a good sign, and sure enough the
newest addition to my friendly neighborhood frost giants hunkered down and very
efficiently plugged my avenue of escape. Shit.
The footsteps of my original duo of pursuers grew ever closer, and I didn’t
have many options on where to go from here. I have to admit though, crazy as it
was, I could think of one option left…

And so there I was; in a
cold cavern whose blue walls glittered and glowed from shafts of light from
above, as I slid along an icy surface towards a gigantic hole in the floor and
the footsteps of a gigantic figure followed somewhere not far behind. As I
jumped into the pit, I noticed that there seemed to be a large amount of
razor-sharp, pointed icicle stalagmites (there was probably a more concise way
to put that) at the bottom and that this was probably going to be a pressing,
or perhaps more accurately, pointed
issue in the near future.

Luckily I wasn’t so
foolish as to try this completely
unprepared. As I hurtled into the cylindrical pit I extended a grapple gun at
the end of both hands and fired them at the opposing walls. They stuck, and I
halted my descent midway down the shaft with a jerk. I was now hanging halfway
up the pit suspended by my two ropes, and pondering how to proceed as I noticed
a notably non-spiked ledge near the bottom of the shaft.

“DID HE JUST JUMP IN THE
PIT?!?!” came the indignant shout of the king from up above.

“YEAH, FUNNY THING, I
JUST SAW HIM DO IT MYSELF!” shouted back the third frost giant as booming
footsteps converged somewhere in the room overhead. “MAYBE HE WAS SUICIDAL OR
SOMETHING?!”

“HEH, I SUPPOSE HE WOULD
BE, TRAPPED BETWEEN US!” said the second frost giant, which was met with
colossal chuckles from him and his lower level ally.

This camaraderie was
quickly quenched by the king clearing his throat disapprovingly. “…CHECK THE
PIT” he said flatly.

Crap crap crap crap, I thought productively as the footsteps
approached the opening and I looked up to see three terrifying stone moose heads
looking straight back over the lip of the pit. The king’s expression was, to
put it lightly, not kind.

“Uh…I don’t suppose
there’s any increased chance of us talking this out…?” I inquired hopelessly.

“NO” replied the king
simply as his hand reached back to pick a hunk of rocks and ice off the ground,
which he then pulled back and hurled directly at me.

With few other options, I
released my grapple lines and tried to secure myself in the same fashion
further down where I wasn’t guaranteed to die a quick death of boulder-to-the-face
disease. The lines managed to stick, but as more debris fell I lost my grip on
one of the guns attempting to dodge out of the way. I then lost my grip on the
other gun trying to reclaim the first, flipping midair and falling…

…only to latch onto both
grapple guns with my feet on the way down.

…this was probably a bad idea.

These were the thoughts
of our stalwart hero, me, as I stared
directly into a pit of razor-sharp, pointed icicle stalagmites (stalagmicicles,
if you will). I was suspended upside down on a thin cord of rope, whose two
ends were attached to opposing walls of a very tall, icy chamber. I had
previously thought that my fear of heights had been conquered once I had
successfully learned to ride a Wyvern, but I was beginning to doubt that
assessment. Then again, perhaps my current fear wasn’t so much for heights as razor-sharp, pointed icicle stalagmites.

But as I was thinking
this, I heard the king up above snort and pull away from the pit to grab
another handful of deadly debris. And though the dreaded stalagmicicles below
me were currently the highest on my list of fears, a boulder to the face was
definitely a strong, up-and-coming contender. So I took a deep breath, nudged
the trigger of my grapple gun with my left foot…and pulled in one of the ropes.

I could say that anyone
who hasn’t swung at high speeds upside down above a pit of deadly icicles onto
a tiny ledge while holding onto a thin cord with one foot hasn’t really lived.
But although the adrenaline rush was indeed quite impressive, I’d argue that
this statement probably wouldn’t apply since anyone else who did this probably
didn’t continue to live afterwards.
Either from the numerous prominent and entirely probable sources of death or
the several subsequent heart attacks likely to occur afterwards.

However, against all odds
of probability I managed to swing onto the ledge and slide through an opening
it housed, my retracting grappling hooks sliding after me as I hit the ground
harder than I can really recommend. As I groggily picked myself up off the
ground I found myself in a hallway adjacent to the pit of death I had so
narrowly just avoided. I could hear voices echoing from the top of the pit.

“WHERE DID HE GO?!?!”
came the indignant shout of the king.

“I DUNNO, SIRE, HE JUST
SWUNG DOWN SO FAST I COULDN’T SEE WHERE HE WENT!” replied one of the minions.

“HE PROBABLY ESCAPED
THROUGH THE SERVICE SHAFT!!” yelled the king. “QUICK, GATHER ANYONE ELSE YOU
CAN AND START A SEARCH OF THE PALACE!! I DON’T WANT HIM GETTING OUT OF HERE
ALIVE!!” At this, three sets of giant footsteps dispersed from the room above
until they could be heard no longer. That I felt relatively safe at the moment
probably only spoke to how dire my situation had been just before. I could have
died. I could have been mortally wounded. And when I passed, I would do so in
the knowledge that it was in a frozen wasteland miles away from civilization,
with no one ever knowing what grisly fate had befallen me.

Smiling, I pumped my fist
in the air and whispered to myself: “Nailed
it!”

***

The hallway I had emerged
in had two directions I could head for. On one end was a staircase that went up
and on the other end one that went down. Considering that I had just escaped a
trio of monolithic murder mooses (moosii?) upstairs, and that treasure vaults
were rarely located on the ground floor, I decided to descend. I could describe
my travels through the various lower corridors in detail, but let me just give
an abridged rundown of the fantastic sights I saw to save time: Ice ice ice
ice, turn, ice ice turn, ice ice turn, ice ice ice oh look the vault. The
Canadian frost giants certainly weren’t going to win any prizes for interior
decorating.

The mighty vaults of the
Canadian frost giants, however, were another story. The twin doors to them were
absolutely massive slabs of granite, intricately carved and embroidered with
gold and ice. Their subtle swirling sigils and interesting iconography would
flawlessly flow towards an inevitable center, where a magnificent, massive lock
of pure gold laid waiting for me. They were certainly intimidating, but somehow
I knew I could surpass them. This was probably due to the fact that they were
already open.

Keeping cautious, I
carefully crept into the cold crypt of countless treasures. I won’t bother with
descriptions, since in my experience most ancient treasure vaults look pretty
similar. Refer to my last foray into a treasure chamber if you want. I knew that if the door was already open, my competition was
probably already there. He could be lurking in any corner, waiting to ambush me
when I least expec-

“Bah, it’s going to take forever to build another battle
zeppelin!” came a familiar voice from on the other side of a large mound of
gold. Some of the aforesaid gold shifted as I heard him moving on the other
side, at which point I took cover behind a large treasure chest. “At the very least several hours! Yet another
grievous offense I must add to the list from my accursed nemesis, that wretched
Video Game Blogger!!”

It was, of course, Dr. Acidmeltskull,
who appeared to be talking to no one but himself. Loudly. In an empty room. A
true super-villain, this one. Or idiot, they’re remarkably similar when you stop
to think about it. “However,” my nemesis continued, “I have him truly trapped
this time! I’ll make him pay for his irritating indiscretions! He must be here
for the treasure in this room, so I shall ambush him promptly and with an
excessive degree of deadliness, oh-ho yes!! Now…how do I do that…?”

As the devious doctor was
distracted with his musings, I opted to sneak by him to search the room for the
plant. After circling about a quarter of the room silently I managed to get a
vantage point atop a gold mound when I saw it! A patch of the insidiarum consilium was on the other
side of the room, unfortunately to reach it would mean passing by the doctor. Well,
no problem, I would just slowly and carefully circle around the room and…

…notice a familiar strange
sensation in my chest.

Shit, I thought as the sensation started to rise. I’d really prefer
to not jump forward in time now. I
had no idea what might be waiting for me on the other end of the hiccup. The
doctor could have set an ambush, the frost giants might be closer nearby, or
that massive door might be closed, locking me inside. I tried my best to hold
things in, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and frantically grabbed my
mouth and throat.

The upside to this was
that it appeared to force that dreadful sensation back for an unknown period of
time. The downside was that the sudden movement caused a small landslide of
coins and a bouncing golden goblet that made too much noise for even the doctor
to ignore. Sure enough, his head snapped in my direction. “Aha!” he cried,
pointing his finger at me. “You have arrived, just as I have expected,
anticipated, and fully prepared for!! Allying with these fearsome frost giants
was a clever, underhanded trick of you to pull!! But not even they were a match
for Dr. Acidmeltskull’s mighty
zeppelin of supreme power!!!”

“…oh really?” I said,
raising an eyebrow. “And how did that work out for your “mighty zeppelin of
supreme power”…?”

“Fine!!” shouted back the
doctor at an unnecessarily high volume. “Everything about it is absolutely
fine, in every way possible!! It is in peak
condition, thank you very much!!!” The doctor stopped and composed himself
for a moment. “Besides, regardless of what the state of my mighty zeppelin may
or may not be at this moment, and that
state is fine, by the way, the success of this venture should be entirely
apparent given that I made it here to defeat you, even in spite of those
wretched frost giants you hid behind!!”

“I’m not even on the same
side as these frost giants!” I said, exasperated. “They tried to kill me too,
and yet I made it here without some gigantic ineffectual zeppelin helping me
out! So who’s the more competent one now?!”

“That would probably be
the one who made it here without alerting them at all” came a new voice from
the doorway.

I quickly turned my head
at the new intruder, standing at the entrance to the vault. He was wearing all
back, his body and face concealed by a stereotypical hooded black robe that
just screamed ‘mysterious villain’. He stood with his hands behind his back and
spoke with a heavily distorted voice that conveniently kept me from making
heads or tails of who could be speaking. He was likely using something to
conceal his voice as well as his body, and he was very likely the real person trying to kill me.

I couldn’t help but
notice in the silence that the familiar sensation was building yet again. I did
my best to keep it in.

“Admirable that you got
here before me, but I’d expect that from you” came the strangers distorted
tones as he appeared to be looking directly at me.

“You’d be the one who
burnt down the last patch?” I said, trying to keep both the stranger and the
confused Dr. Acidmeltskull in view.

“Quite” intoned the
stranger.

“I’ll get straight to the
point then” I replied. “Why?”

“Oh come now, do you
really think you’ll get an explanation so easily?” the stranger responded.

“…would kinda prefer it
that way, yeah” I said. “Do you have anything to gain from hiding that from
me?”

“Dramatic tension of
course,” the stranger replied, “and a proper sense of narrative. We both know
this is simply how these things go, don’t we?”

“If you’re so keen on
dramatic tension, then why did you try to kill me outright before I knew
anything?” I countered.

“Please” replied the
stranger, raising one hand and tilting his head slightly. “Any proper adversary
wouldn’t simply let their enemies live. And I assure you, good “Video Game
Blogger”, as you so prestigiously
call yourself, a proper adversary is exactly what I intend to be. Surely you
can appreciate that compared to this” he motioned at the doctor “pathetic
incompetent, right?”

The doctor gaped. “I do
not think you realize who you are talking to, you foolish fool of foolhardy
tendencies!!!” he shouted indignantly. “You stand in the presence of the
illustrious and nefarious mastermind, Doctor Acidmelt-“

“Anyway” said the
stranger calmly, completely ignoring the doctor, who glared but seemed too
curious to interrupt again. “Though you’ve proven yourself so far, I sincerely
doubt you can keep it up. In the unlikely event that you survive this encounter
I assure you I’ll figure out where the next patch of your precious insidiarum consilium is before you do.”

“…figure out?” I said, a
smile creeping on the corners of my mouth as I realized the implication. “You
mean you don’t know already?” I pulled the map of the plant locations out of my
pocket and gestured with it. “You’re saying you don’t have one of these handy little things?”

“Tch” said the stranger,
his tone of distaste making it through his distorted voice. “So you merely
could read a piece of paper. Disappointing. I’d argue that’s cheating.”

“And I’d argue that if
you were so clever, you’d have known I’d had this in the first place” I
countered. “But don’t worry, we can share.” With this I tossed the map in his
direction, then quickly drew and fired my holdout laser pistol at it in one
continuous motion. It was incinerated instantly, its ashes floating to the
floor. “Whoops” I said, smiling at
the stranger, “clumsy me.”

“You…” said the stranger
in low tones, still soft spoken but not hiding his frustration. “You want to
know about me? All you need to know is this. I have reason to despise you, to loathe you more than you can understand. Eventually, I want you
dead. And the reason a proper adversary doesn’t hold back? Simple.” At this, he
pulled some type of complicated pistol from his robes and pointed it away from
both me and the doctor. “Because if you die too early he’ll know you just
weren’t worth the effort to begin with.”

Seeing his intent, I
frantically pulled a grapple gun out with my unoccupied hand and fired it at
the patch of insidiarum consilium. It
ripped off a tuft of the plant and I reeled it in just before a bolt of glowing
energy from the stranger’s gun hit the patch, causing a large explosion that
obliterated it instantly.

“HEY, WHAT WAS THAT?!?!”
faintly cried a colossal voice up above.

“Quick, I’ll admit” said
the stranger, paying no mind to the doctor, who upon hearing the cry upstairs
was frantically assembling what looked like an improvised flying machine out of
miscellaneous objects around the room and his pockets. “But what exactly was
your long term plan?” At this, he leveled his gun at me.

Pressing down on my chest
to keep things in just a bit longer, I looked at him and grinned. “I don’t need
one” I said. “I’ll just make the long term the short term.”

And with that I released
my grip and opened my mouth wide, only catching a brief glimpse of light at the
end of the strangers pistol before-

*ZAWUMPH*

-I hiccupped, sending me
forward in time yet again. As I reoriented myself after the skip, I slowly took
in my surroundings. The treasure room was less organized than before, with lots
of piles of gold shifted around. Judging from the gigantic footprints that had
left vague impressions amongst the treasure piles, I guessed the room had been
searched by the frost giants. I looked behind me, and noticed a gigantic hole
in the wall. This I surmised would be where I
would be, had I stuck around. I picked the tuft of insidiarum consilium off of my grapple gun and snarfed it down
before anything else tried to murder me. Next, I checked my phone for the time.

Damn. I had lost about a
month. This was bad. But I was alive. This was good. But I had discovered a new
enemy who genuinely wanted to kill me…and was actually capable of doing so.
This was bad. But I managed to get enough of the plant to sustain me for some
time longer. This was good. But I still had no idea who that enemy was or what
his motivations were. This was bad. But I had managed to end my encounter with
a one-liner that was totally badass.

I smiled yet again. I’d
take what I could get.

My trip back out of the
palace of Canadian frost giants contained significantly
less imminent death than the trip in. I suppose the giants weren’t going to
be patrolling in search of me a month after I’d disappeared. I grappled out the
first window I could find and took the long way around the outside of the
palace to where I’d began. Scrappy yapped excitedly at my return and I pet him
wearily. He didn’t need food often, but time wasn’t moving as slowly for me as
I’d hoped. On the upside, I had a little more time than I previously thought
now that I knew I had a map on my phone and my mysterious antagonist didn’t.

And of course, when I
could find extra time there was only one thing to do…I pulled my laptop from my
pack, snuggled up against Scrappy to warm myself against the cold, and started
to type up a blog post.