Turns out those parental guides are pretty funny too, because when you describe strange sex acts or suggestive dialogue while trying to sound professional and serious, it comes out sounding ridiculous. And believe it or not, there are still a lot of innocent things pointed out. So without further ado, here are nine popular grown-up movies and the best parental warnings for each of them. Some NSFW things will be described here, so prepare your fainting couch.

“A man is shown lying nude on his stomach while a woman straddles his bare buttocks and places a burning candle in his anus; the woman then drips hot wax on his back and he yells. His buttocks are seen.”

My favorite part of this isn’t the detailed description of the act. It’s the fact that at the end, they still feel the need to mention that his buttocks are visible, as if any parent would be like, “Candles in anuses, hot wax, whatever. Can you actually see his butt? That goes too far.”

“Many more scenes of like nature in this film.”

That’s how the sex/nudity section ends. They don’t even have time to describe it all.

“A man eats another man’s goldfish to prove a point.”

Two things are funny about this. First, the fact that their genders are specified, because man-on-woman or woman-on-woman goldfish-eating might be different. And also that it’s “to prove a point.” Well, as long as there was a good reason.

“Total obscenity count is exactly 815 obscene words and gestures. For those keeping track at home works its way out to one obscenity every 13 seconds for three hours straight.”

Mind you, this is after they outline exactly how many instances of each and every word there are. Somebody counted that.

“Yes, a young man fingers, and has sex with an apple pie, his father walks in and seems him on the table with the pie under him all mushed with pieces of it everywhere and his father proceeds to say, he too has had sex with foods, but not the ‘baked goods’.”

The fact that this entry stars with the word “yes” is probably my favorite thing in the history of the world. You can almost hear the sigh behind it.

“A man talks about being the Shermanator, ‘a sophisticated sex machine sent back through time, to change the future of one woman’.”

“A man at a party dresses as Marilyn Monroe to celebrate the 4th of July.”

Well, as long as he’s being patriotic about it.

“A woman suggests to her brother that he is gay when she finds sailor outfits in a bag and he admits that he is an exotic dancer; she attends the club and watches him and his friend dance and her eyes grow wide and her mouth drops open before she leaves quickly.”

Rated R for agape mouths and wide eyes.

“A man is shown drinking wine during the day.”

Day wine?! What are we teaching our children?! Wine should be consumed late at night when you’re sad and lonely and crying.

“Dozens of people are trapped in a burning building and die from burning and being shot at close range. A man is shot multiple times in the face until his face literally begins to shred apart. Very graphic but somehow unrealistic.”

Hey now, it’s not a movie review. Just tell us who gets shot in the face and leave it at that, okay?

“Ben attempts to have sex with Allison while she is pregnant, but describes (specifically) his fears about hurting the baby. She then gets on top of him and rides him and references her boobs. They then perform doggy style sex.”

I hope the person who wrote that had a lot of fun.

“Allison’s birth scene is pretty intense, as she screams and grunts loudly throughout.”

There’s also that whole “baby coming out of her vagina” thing, which they do mention, but I just like how they also feel the need to mention the grunting, just in case that’s where a parent draws the line.

Drinking wine during the day! I would be soooo bad by parental warning standards.

Alexis Rhiannon

I’m in love.

FemelleChevalier

This is amazing.

loser_sneeze

Whoa, whoa, whoa… Magic Mike is inappropriate for children??

noodlestein

Shoot! I’ve been thinking about using it to teach my goddaughter some SWEET dance moves. Back to the drawing board!

loser_sneeze

What is the world coming to when kids can’t go see a simple movie about male strippers?

noodlestein

Soon it will descend into anarchy.

LadyClodia the Modest Rat

I love reading the Parents Guides for adult movies.
One of my favorites is for “Only Lovers Left Alive.” It’s so detailed, and also contradictory at times. Like why is “A husband and wife lie side-by-side in a bed, clothed.” in the sex/nudity section? Then in the frightening/intense scenes the first thing is “There are no particularly intense scenes.” but then a few lines down “A corpse is thrown into a corrosive fluid and we see it dissolve.” Because I think that’s honestly the only actually frightening scene, and probably the only thing that would make me think twice about letting my kids watch it. The vampires, nudity, and swearing wouldn’t be a problem, but that would be upsetting for them.

Jill O’Rourke

Haha, gotta watch out for those clothed married couples.

Smishsmash

I love the fact that the parents guide for Saw feels the need to mention someone smokes cigarettes. Parents, be warned, if you let you child watch a psychological serial killer movie, they might be exposed to the attitude that smoking is cool.

roxannegbryant

just before I looked at the receipt ov $8130 , I
didn’t believe that my sister woz like actualy bringing in money part-time from
there pretty old laptop. . there aunts neighbour has been doing this 4 only
about 22 months and at present repayed the mortgage on their appartment and
bought themselves a Chrysler . see here C­a­s­h­f­i­g­.­C­O­M­