Why I Rule

A lot of people think I have very low self-esteem. Even my Mom comments on my apparent lack of self worth on a regular basis. This bothers me because I am a very happy person who happens to have a few problems with my appearance or personality; just like everybody in the world does. So, in an effort to clear this up, I present "Why I Rule." In the column that follows you will learn, for the first time, all the reasons why I think I rule.

To begin, I am very smart. I may not get the best grades but you can bet your ass I know more about the War of 1812 than you do. I also seem to know a lot of useless trivia, which I consider to be an even greater evolved form of knowledge than book learnin'. If the Trivial Pursuit board comes out, you had better watch your ass when I tell you that the original purpose of the needle on top of The Empire State Building was for docking blimps. Furthermore, I can name 4 of the 5 great lakes, tell you which English words in use today have remained unchanged from 1000 years ago (piss, shit, and fuck), and how big your breasts are (this is true, I am unmatched at guessing cup sizes. I should work at a fair or something).

On top of being what my Mom has called, "a very bright young man," I can do really amazing things with my body. Most people's thumbs only go one way but thanks to the Lord above, my left thumb is double jointed. I can also make fire balls in my hands with the right type of lighter; a feat that never fails to impress my younger cousins. Also, I have the ability to contort my mouth into a perfect triangle which only one other person I know can do. But the best thing I can do with my body by far is called "the human vibrator." It could be because I am very tense or stressed but for whatever reason I can make my entire body (head included) vibrate. When this violent shaking occurs it appears as if I am either having a seizure or trying to satisfy an incredibly large woman.

But there is so much more to me than a great mind and "interesting" body. Not many people know this, but I can play music. I am mediocre at the following instruments: drums, guitar, bass, piano, saxophone (alto and tenor) and tambourine. Actually, that's a lie; I'm a master of the tambourine. I cannot sing very well in front of people, but when I'm alone in the car I have an amazing voice.

Oh wait, how could I forget about my legs and hair? My legs are massive. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I have grown incredibly strong and toned legs. This is strange because I spend most of my day sitting on my ass and certainly not running around. And the hair" how couldn't I talk about the hair? It may be ugly, but there is a hell of a lot of it. This thick coif that sits on top of my head is the kind of hair models would kill for. I was actually asked to do some work for Pantene Pro-V, but I turned it down because their product doesn't offer me an orgasm like Herbal Essences does. So, even if genetics screwed me on everything else, at least I got the legs and the hair.

If you still aren't convinced that I rule, let me just tell you that I won a JV wrestling tournament one time, I have had sex in three countries on two continents, I am the current record holder in the annual spring weekend White Castle Case Race (13 burgers), I can do relatively convincing British and Irish accents, I am almost financially self sufficient, I have a credit card with an amazing $500 limit and I own five pairs of jeans. Now, if that isn't enough for you I don't know what is.

I hope this has silenced all my readers (and mother) who think that I hate myself. However, I am not the only person in the world that rules" I think you may rule too. So, why don't you go ahead and write me a paragraph on why you rule and send it to suxatlife@hotmail.com. If you rule enough, you'll see yourself ruling in my column in the near future. And for giving you the chance to tell millions of people why you rule, I rule even more.