On paper, she seems like the ideal date. But she never gets asked out again. Is there some icy chill in her demeanor?

I am a 34-year-old Jewish woman living in Sydney, Australia. I'm good looking, meet lots of guys and get asked out. But I never seem to date the same guy more than a couple of times. I guess I am superficial to some degree and am put off by people who I consider very unattractive. But, even when a date or prospective date seems like the kind of person I'd like to get to know, I apparently act "cold" towards him.

Can you tell me how I can be more "friendly" and let a guy know that I am interested in going out again, or any other advice you think will help me. Thank you.

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

The fact that you are able to recognize an unproductive dating pattern and ask for advice is a big step toward getting on the right track.

Sit down with a close friend and pretend you're looking at a "movie" of your last several dates. This will help you understand what role you play in the "pattern." You seem to think that your attitude turns away men. If your "movie" reinforces this instinct, try to understand the reason you act this way. Have you been hurt in the past, and project a tough image to shield yourself from more hurt, or to release your anger? Are you anxious about being rejected at a later point in dating, or are you afraid of emotional intimacy, so that you give your date a "reason" to keep the relationship from developing?

Frankly, this sort of self-analysis isn't always easy. You might benefit from the help of a trained professional. (Try to find a therapist who endorses a goal-oriented approach -- i.e. someone who is willing to help you identify the reasons for your attitude toward your dates and then work on resolving the conflicts that caused this attitude.) However, no amount of coaching from us on how to be "nice" to people will mask the underlying emotions that, up until now, have made you a less-than-pleasant date.

Hopefully, you will be able to identify what's been eating at you and then work on resolving your feelings -- either through acceptance, understanding, etc. At that point, figure out what you would like to accomplish in your life in six months, a year and five years from now. Think in terms of lifestyle, finances, career, family, community involvement, creativity, leisure and spiritual growth. Try to date men whose goals are similar to yours. This should be a natural starting point for good conversation and friendship.

Rosie & Sherry

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I've been dating the same woman for six months. I care about her and enjoy her company. She is nice, intelligent and easy to talk to. I am not as physically attracted to her as I originally thought. Should I give it more time, or think about moving on?

David W.

Dear David,

We wish we had a little more information, so that we could zero in on the "right" answer for you. Since we don't, it will be up to you to fill in the blanks.

Start with comparing the physical attraction you felt in the beginning with what you feel now. What has changed? Did you feel a sense of electricity or strong desire that has given way to other feelings? People who experience intense physical attraction at the beginning of a relationship (and this only happens to about half of all couples) always see that intensity subside over time. For unlucky couples, this change signals the end of their relationship. However, couples who are fortunate to have become emotionally intimate realize that they have something far more enduring than simple physical attraction. They have a growing relationship with someone who is a trusted friend, confidante, and life partner. The physical attraction still exists, but it is more balanced in the relationship.

There could be other reasons why your level of physical attraction has changed. You may be afraid of intimacy (emotional or physical)... or of marriage, and now that you've been dating for six months you may be feeling some pressure to move the relationship to a higher level. Ambivalence and/or anxiety may have caused you to look at your friend with a little less ardor.

Ask yourself if something like this has ever occurred in an earlier relationship. Do you see a pattern that keeps repeating -- physical attraction diminishing at about the same point in each relationship? If so, take some time to evaluate how the pattern replays itself and what may be motivating you to react this way.

No matter what scenario applies to your situation, we think that at the six-month point in a dating relationship you should have an idea about your long-term expectations. Are you dating with the goal of marriage in the near future? It could very well be that you haven't figured out what you want out of this relationship, and because of this discomfort you unconsciously have found a convenient justification to end it. But before you think about "moving on," clarify your short and long-term goals, and rethink what role your friend plays in them.

Rosie & Sherry

Don't miss Sherry & Rosie's dynamic lecture for friends and parents of singles - "How to Help Someone You Care About Meet and Marry Their Bashert," Tuesday, July 10 @ The Israel Center, 10 Strauss Street in Jerusalem.

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
jeff dworkin,
September 9, 2000 12:00 AM

To Cheryl who is comming accross to cold.

Dear Cheryl,
Your letter reminded me of things that I have only recently learned about myself. Before I tell you I can only say that it may not be correct.
The point is that you may be projecting your thoughts into these guys you've dated. For example you mentioned that you're put off by people you find unattractive. Could it be that you are affraid that these guys may find you unnattractive in some way. And to gaurd against that from happening you don't want the guy to get any closer. My advice if this is so is if you think you are worthy of getting advice from this colmn, and you must be because you wrote to this column, then belive that: 1. People don't necessarily think in the same way that you do. And. 2. Don't be afraid to let people get to know you a little bit more.
All the best, and I hope this helps

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I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...