Speak 'Up'

What comes out of our children's mouths is just as important as what goes in.

You hold up the bag of chips and check the ingredients. You may even search for the kosher symbol. You want your child to ‘eat healthy, but did you ever think about what comes out of your child's mouth?

Those words should be wholesome and good too.

God created us with two eyes, two ears, two nostrils, but only one mouth. We do not have one mouth for prayers and moments of holiness, and a second for eating and speaking the mundane. We can't close one and then open the other. Everything that exists within us must be imbued with some sense of sanctity. Our food nourishes our body; our words nourish our souls.

When God breathed life into Adam and bequeathed within him a soul, he was given the gift of speech. What separates man from animal is the power of our word. My words reveal my inner thoughts.

Think about Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. Jews from every walk of life gather together and sing the Kol Nidrei prayer. "Forgive me, God, if I have broken my vows; not kept my promises." Because who am I if my word is not my word?

Our Words Are Powerful

Words can build, words can destroy. Words can heal, words can demean. And using profanity or harsh language deadens a sense of self respect and dignity that lies within the soul.

Our children are often left to view movies, play video games, and listen to music that casually introduces unacceptable language into their vocabulary. Even in their classrooms, there are students who use backtalk and vulgarities against teachers and classmates. Children then come to believe that this is okay, even normal.

We cannot simply sit back and throw our hands up in disgust as we listen to our children's words. It's easy to nod sadly and blame our children's language and disrespect on our loose culture. But society is not parenting our children, we are. Or at least we should be. No, it doesn't take a village; it just takes a parent. One who is connected and concerned with his child's character. One who is attuned to the power of one's own

words as children absorb the way we speak. After all, if mom or dad can talk ‘like that,' why can't I?

Kosher Mouth

Jill has attended my parenting classes from the time that her children were infants. This past year we focused on ‘the power of our words'. We spoke about teaching our children to speak with respect and sensitivity. She recently sent me this email:

I walked passed my son while he was looking through his pokemon cards. He was tossing the ones he didn't like and to my surprise, repeating over and over again, ‘this one ____!' as he tossed them. It was a less desirable word than ‘stinks'. Not a curse, but a clear indication that his exposure to first grade language had left my once pure little toddler forever changed.

It is so casual, this disconcerting change, that it leaves a mother frozen in her tracks. I thought of all my years of Jewish parenting with you and wanted to let him see now at six that he could have a higher standard than what he sees around him. He should know that he is different than the status quo. How could I be angry when he is learning from his environment? This is, unfortunately, what surrounds him each and every day.

I said to him, "Zack, honey, I am surprised to hear you use that word over and over again while you play. That language is not for you, Zack. You're holy."

With that Zack looked up and took a quick moment. He then thoughtfully asked, ‘What does that mean?'

I was so happy he cared. "Zack, you are a mensch, a Jewish boy, and God placed a very special soul inside of you. Your mouth is kosher and you are an example for others."

His face was different. My words got through. I knew it. He thought about what I said; he really took a good look. He went back to his cards differently and I was so happy that I didn't miss the moment.

Bringing Good Speech Home

So how can we parents help our children maintain higher levels of communication as they grow?

1. Be Involved

Too often, we take a laissez faire attitude and allow our children to set their own standards. Our kids decide which shows and dvd's they'll watch, surf the web, are glued to you tube, and program their ipods as they wish. But we are here for a reason. We have a right and responsibility to see what our children see, to hear what they are listening to; and if we don't approve we cannot be afraid to say ‘no'.

The other day I took my son to buy a game for his gameboy. We showed the salesman two games and asked him to explain why one was rated ‘T' (for teen) if they both seemed similar.

"Oh," he replied, "The teen one has better graphics and curse words in the background."

"Then of course we'll take the other," I said.

The salesman looked at me. "What's the big deal? It's only in the background. It's so low you hardly hear it."

"Well, why do you think it's there? " I asked. "It must be doing something?! It obviously enters your head as you play and that is not for us."

I was glad that my son was able to learn the effect of even subtle background ‘noise' that we often ignore or just accept as a sign of the times.

2. Hear Yourself

We often set higher standards for our children than for ourselves. We expect greatness from them, yet lower the bar as we live our daily lives.

Children pick up our language, our attitude and our tone.

A mother asked me why I think her family's Sunday dinner outings always ended in disaster. No one was ever happy and she found herself wishing that she'd never taken her children out.

"When you and your husband sit down at the table, what do your children hear? Are you putting down the menu, criticizing the food, belittling the waiter's service? Are you waiting impatiently and griping about it?"

"How did you know?" she asked. "That's exactly my husband. Nothing is ever good enough."

And here lies our answer. Children mimic all that they hear. They pick up our language, our attitude and our tone. If we desire children who speak respectfully, who are kind with their words, then we must first hear ourselves.

Let us teach each child to speak 'up'. Raise your voice, my child, not in anger or debasement, but rather through speaking with self respect and dignity. You will then ‘raise yourself' as you take the higher road. Speak up for truth and compassion. Reflect sanctity even as you talk. See the power of your words as they touch those around you. Speak up and allow your words to create a better world.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
Deborah,
July 15, 2009 4:15 PM

TV, games and the similar surely does not do anything to improve a low language level. when i got rid of the TV my life changed DRAMATICALLY to the better. Making the TV such an important "cant live without it"-machine is bordering on "avoda zara"

(8)
n,
July 11, 2009 11:38 AM

The author of this article, and Ziporah, are clearly of the mistaken idea that if TV/Music/Film/Video Games were gotten rid of everything would be OK

(7)
L.S.,
July 9, 2009 7:35 PM

how can i change?

i have a problem with a potty mouth myself and am trying to work on it. any suggestions on how to stop?

(6)
Anonymous,
July 8, 2009 8:55 PM

How do keep the grandparents from using such words?

My parents use foul language a lot of the time. I've asked them not to do so infront of our son. Most of the time they listen, but still I'm concerned that he will say them and then tell us "But Bubby talks like that!"

(5)
Ziporah,
July 8, 2009 11:46 AM

TV=Poison

So many of the mothers in my community complain about their children's language and behavior. I ask them how much TV their kids watch. The responses range from 1 hour a day to "the TV is on in our house all day as background noise". Yet they cannot figure out why their kids are disrespectful, impetuous, hyperactive and foul-mouthed. I cannot understand why these intelligent, religious women refuse to connect their children's behavior with the presence of TV in their homes! I feel strongly that the TV has NO PLACE in a religious home. Not even for the parents.

(4)
Anny Matar,
July 8, 2009 10:13 AM

What you teach your neighbour destroys

However Kosher you keep your home-language your child will be exposed to all the other words too.
As a mother, grandmother and teacher, I can share my experience with you. My chidlren had heard these words and my grandchildren do too but, not between themselves, and not at home have they ever used them, how come?? We explained to them what these words mean and as they understood what they were saying and they never did.
What is forbidden in your house is habitually used in
another your child hears it and can't understand why EVEN the adults, whom you're supposed to respect, use them, why can't he?
Well, what I did was to teach them that as every human being is different so is the language he/she uses. You know, because you've been taught, you just don't have to do what others do. You wouldn't believe it their friends liked our style better and soon joined us not we them.
TRY IT

(3)
Deborah,
July 7, 2009 11:53 PM

A wonderful article. I will be looking for her book,Raising a child with Soul. Thank you,

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

With stories and insights,
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