Monday, March 4, 2013

Its been a while since my last post. I really haven't been up to too much. Just working and chilling out at home with Mark. I've been reading 11/23/63 by Stephen King and have really been enjoying it so far. Its primarily about time travel and changing the past/future. So when I'm not reading it, I'm contemplating the consequences of time travel and attempting to change the past if it were possible. Which I'm sure has contributed to the crazy dreams I've been having. I mean seriously, who has to take a train to get to the end of Debardelaben Street? And why did my shoes keep getting filled with water? Not to mention the dream about being at a boarding school that forced me to sell beer when I wasn't in class. Crazy dreams. And I'm blaming them on Stephen King.
I had my post-op appointment today. She said everything looks good and seemed optimistic about our pregnancy chances. I'm still trying not to get my hopes up. Everything else that was supposed to help has not, so I don't see why this is any different. Of course, I will inevitably get my hopes up, and be crushed. But at least I know its going to happen. At least I can remind myself (as I'm sobbing over AF coming when I was so sure that this was our month) that I did know that hoping was going to lead to hysterics. And yes, I do realize how pessimistic I'm being, but after 33 cycles of nothing but BFNs and a couple of miscarriages its really hard to remain positive. Maybe the universe will prove me wrong. We shall see.....
And now to the craziness that was my weekend. It all started Friday. I have been working from home, but had to run to the office to get some patient information out of their computer system. I decided to wait until about 12:15 when I knew everyone should be out of the office for lunch so that no one would bother me and I could get the info and get out. So I get to the office, walk up to the door, and what do I see? EVERYONE that works in the office having a meeting. When they're all supposed to be at lunch. Awesome. So I try to sneak in, but of course everyone stops to stare at me as I interrupt their meeting. Luckily everyone went to lunch after it was over, so I was able to get in and out without much interruption. And then every "SERIOUSLY??!" situation that could happen did. Sock monkey baby stuff has been EVERYWHERE. I've seen more pregnant people and infants (one that was maybe 6 weeks old in a bar no less) this weekend and today than I did all of last month. I had to sit and listen to some trashy (sorry, I know its mean and I shouldn't judge, but damn) pregnant girl talk about her belly, unborn child, baby gear, and hospital plans to her mother for the entire hour I waited for my appointment today. And the icing on the whole fucked up cake was the 3 nature shows we watched yesterday that prominently featured a meerkat who miscarried her litter, an African wild dog whose pups were tortured by the dominant female's pups (but survived somehow), a lion pack that was unable to have a successful litter of cubs for something like 6 years, and a mother hippo who tried so hard to keep her calf safe but it ended up dying anyway. Yeah. Lovely. I get the message universe. Screw you too. Each of these things will inevitably happen every once in a while, but back to back to back??? Really? Ugh. Come on.
Anyhow. Before this turns into a novel, I will leave you with your IFPSA of the day:
If you have a friend who is suffering from infertility or recurrent pregnancy loss, please do not tell them to "JUST" adopt or get a surrogate. For one there is no "JUST" in an adoption or surrogacy. Both are fairly expensive and involved. Being matched with a surrogate or adoptive child can take years. Depending on the route you go through with adoption, there are numerous hoops to jump through before an agency will even consider placing a child with you, and then you have to wait for a birth mother to pick your family. Even after you are matched with a potential adoptive child, there is still the chance that the mother can change her mind and keep her baby. So again, there is no way to "JUST" adopt. And for many women, the need to carry a child or have a child that is biologically hers and her husbands is very strong. Of course she will be able to love a child that she does not carry or does not share her genes, but her dream is to have a child of her own. And every time you tell her to "JUST" adopt, it validates her fear that she will never be able to attain this dream. So, if these are options you would like to suggest, a better way to bring it up would be to ask if she's considered adoption or surrogacy (even this is iffy for some women. I do not mind being asked this question, but other women I have spoken with get deeply offended by it.) and then do not bring it up again unless she does.

2 comments:

Wow, what a whirlwind. Your brain is primed to see these things - the pregnancies, the babies, the poor little meerkats. And we can get stuck in our own heads and only see things that make us sad. Try to find something positive as well. (Notice I'm not naive enough to say to try to ignore it all?). For example, try to focus on the positive that your doctor said. I understand not wanting to get your hopes up. But don't throw out the good in what the doctor said.

Logically, I understand that all these things stick out like a sore thumb because of where I'm at emotionally. I think that everything last weekend was intensified by being around my youngest nephew. He's about a month younger than our baby would be if we hadn't miscarried. And so even though I love him, I am constantly thinking about what my baby would be doing and how my baby would look and about the two of them playing together. Which in turn makes me super emotional and much more aware of all the baby and pregnancy related stuff that I come across. And my doctor, bless her heart, was so positive and optimistic. She told me, "Sarah, I know the next time you come in here, you are going to say, 'Dr. Fields, I'm pregnant!' I just know it!" And I really wish that I could be that positive, but after all the heartbreak each month, its easier to just be negative. I did save a coupon I got in the mail for $40 off a 4-d ultrasound. It doesn't expire, so I just stuck it back and thought, maybe....