John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Someone with parallel losses can't necessarily help you because all relationships are unique. (Published 5/20/2014)

Q:

Maybe you can help me or suggest where to go. I am an adopted, only child,and both my adoptive parents have died. Where would I look to find others that are basically 'orphans' that are in the same situation as I am. Our grief is different in some ways— as we ( I ) now have NO RELATIVES on the planet and the intensity of the loneliness I feel is horrific. What do you think? Help please!

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Nancy,

Thanks for your note and question.

We are not aware of any organization made up of adoptees who’ve had both of their adoptive parents die.

However, we can suggest that while it may seem to you that if you found someone who had a parallel situation to yours, that you wound find help or guidance from them, respectfully, we disagree.

We do believe that your loneliness is horrific, in part as the result of having no relatives. But we have helped many people—who were not adopted—who also wound up with no relatives, and also felt totally alone on the planet.

Besides, one of the most important issues for you is your relationships with each of your parents who died. We can’t tell from your note if those relationships were good, fair, poor, or mixed for you.

The key to you being able to feel less lonely and isolated is first for you to become emotionally complete with your adoptive parents who died, and then with other people who have been important in your life.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will find yourself feeling less isolated. And the book can help you learn what to do to become emotionally complete with the parents who gave you up for adoption.