Restaurant | Winnipeg, MB, Canada(When my daughter was very young, she went through a phase when she wouldn’t eat pasta that had “stuff” on it. It was sometimes hard to convince restaurant servers that we wanted absolutely plain pasta.) Me: *to server* “Could I get some plain pasta for my daughter, please?” Server: “Sure!” *turns […]]]>

(Restaurant | Winnipeg, MB, Canada)

(When my daughter was very young, she went through a phase when she wouldn’t eat pasta that had “stuff” on it. It was sometimes hard to convince restaurant servers that we wanted absolutely plain pasta.)

Me:*to server* “Could I get some plain pasta for my daughter, please?”

Server: “Sure!” *turns to leave*

Me: “Um, sorry to be a bother, but when I say ‘plain,’ I mean ‘absolutely nothing on it.’ No sauce, no cheese, no parsley, nothing.”

Server: “Plain pasta, got it.”

(When the food arrives, it has a garnish of parsley all around the edge of the bowl, some of which has fallen into the pasta itself. My daughter stares at it in dismay.)

Medical Office | Needham, MA, USA(We’d been getting some scam-calls from a company that claims to be our copier repairmen, but as I know that our copier repairman speaks with a heavy accent, I can screen them out easily and avoid wasting time. Then one day:) Caller: “Hi, this is Steve, the repair guy for […]]]>

(Medical Office | Needham, MA, USA)

(We’d been getting some scam-calls from a company that claims to be our copier repairmen, but as I know that our copier repairman speaks with a heavy accent, I can screen them out easily and avoid wasting time. Then one day:)

Caller: “Hi, this is Steve, the repair guy for your copier. Could you read me the model number off the back of the machine?”

Retail | Sydney, NSW, Australia(I need to get an optical audio cable to go join my Blu-ray player to my sound system. I go to a local audio store to get one, and the following exchange occurs:) Salesman: “That one’s $35, but this one is much higher quality and well worth the $65 for the […]]]>

(Retail | Sydney, NSW, Australia)

(I need to get an optical audio cable to go join my Blu-ray player to my sound system. I go to a local audio store to get one, and the following exchange occurs:)

Salesman: “That one’s $35, but this one is much higher quality and well worth the $65 for the added clarity.”

Me: “Wait. It’s literally a clear tube that flashes light pulses. It’s all zeroes and ones. It either carries the signal or it does not. Clarity is not an issue with a digital signal.”

Hospital | McCook, NE, USA(I go into a doctor’s surgery about a terrible cough.) Doctor: “Right, we just need to look you over; won’t be a minute.” (After a quick examination, I see him frowning.) Me: “What is it?” Doctor: “You need to get tested for HIV and hepatitis.” Me: *as I am a virgin* […]]]>

(Hospital | McCook, NE, USA)

(I go into a doctor’s surgery about a terrible cough.)

Doctor: “Right, we just need to look you over; won’t be a minute.”

(After a quick examination, I see him frowning.)

Me: “What is it?”

Doctor: “You need to get tested for HIV and hepatitis.”

Me:*as I am a virgin* “What?!”

Doctor: “Your tattoo. You may have had a dirty needle poking you. I need the address of where you got that.”

Me: “Listen, I—”

Doctor: “And since you have tattoos, it’s likely you’ve used drugs at one point, so we need to check you for HIV.”

Me: “Look—”

Doctor: “You young people think you’re never getting these diseases, but you do; I’ve seen a LOT of young people who got illnesses from needles—”

Assisted Living | OH, USA(My mother-in-law is in assisted-living apartments, and is very happy at Easter because they are going to have Easter church services at the facility.) Mother-In-Law: “They were putting together the program but had to redo it.” Me: “Why?” Mother-In-Law: “It seems they’d included a couple of hymns as part of the […]]]>

(Assisted Living | OH, USA)

(My mother-in-law is in assisted-living apartments, and is very happy at Easter because they are going to have Easter church services at the facility.)

Mother-In-Law: “They were putting together the program but had to redo it.”

Me: “Why?”

Mother-In-Law: “It seems they’d included a couple of hymns as part of the service and the know-it-all administrator had volunteered to type up the hymns from a hymnal.”

Me: “Why was that a problem?”

Mother-In-Law: “She didn’t understand that the verses are printed above the music and the same music is used for each of the four lines, so she just typed the words in the order they appeared, which totally scrambled the whole thing. I overheard the conversation…”

(Below is the conversation, as described by my mother-in-law:)

Know-it-all Administrator: “Well, I’m not a musician! Who on Earth could be expected to know this stuff?”

Events Coordinator: “But [Administrator], you go to church every single week which is why you don’t work Sundays. Don’t they sing in your church?”

Know-it-all Administrator: “Well, of course, they do, but I just hum along because I never could figure out the song book!”

Emergency Services | England, UK(I’m walking down the main club street in my city and I see a woman crying and clearly in pain. She suddenly bends double and clutches her chest. I stop and ask if she needs an ambulance. After a quick chat to make sure she’s not just drunk, I dial 999.) […]]]>

(Emergency Services | England, UK)

(I’m walking down the main club street in my city and I see a woman crying and clearly in pain. She suddenly bends double and clutches her chest. I stop and ask if she needs an ambulance. After a quick chat to make sure she’s not just drunk, I dial 999.)

Me: “Hello, I need an ambulance to outside [Business] on [Street]. I have a woman here with chest pains and breathing trouble.”

Operator: “I don’t have the address. Which city are you in? What’s the street name again?”

Me: “It’s [City] on [Street] outside the [Business]. It’s okay; it’s the main street. The drivers will know it.”

Operator: “Do you have a postcode? I can’t find the location on my map.”

Me: “No, I don’t have the postcode, but it’s one of the main streets.”

(I give her a lot more landmarks, including a well-known hotel opposite us.)

Operator: “I need a postcode.”

Me: “Oh, for goodness sake, just send the driver to where I’ve JUST said. The ambulance station is only a minute or two away! They’ll know where it is.”

Woman: “Yes, prescription antibiotics called [Name]. I was told if I had this reaction I was to go back to hospital.”

Me:*to operator* “Yes, [Name].”

Operator: “Is she conscious?”

Me: “YES!”

Operator: “Has she taken any drugs in the past 24 hours?”

Me:*getting a bit frustrated* “YES. I don’t know her personally; she’s a stranger but she’s just told me she HAS taken antibiotics called [Name] and she’s been warned about these side effects. Are you sending the ambulance?”

Operator: “Yes, but I’ll need to know where you are.”

(At this point, a couple of police officers who have been watching from over the road saunter over to see what’s going on.)

Operator: “Is she conscious?”

Me: “YES! She’s standing up and moaning in pain.”

Operator: “I’m going to need to you take her pulse… I’ll teach you to do that.”

Me:*shoving my phone into an officer’s hand* “Here’s a police officer but for GOODNESS SAKE SEND AN AMBULANCE!”

(The police officer then went on to recite the exact information I’d just given, just as the ambulance arrived!)

Office | USA(I work for a large computer company. I have a manager who puts a summary of everyone’s activities for the previous day up on the wall. If you log in late, leave early, or take too long a lunch, she will highlight your name and the offending numbers. I always prided myself on […]]]>

(Office | USA)

(I work for a large computer company. I have a manager who puts a summary of everyone’s activities for the previous day up on the wall. If you log in late, leave early, or take too long a lunch, she will highlight your name and the offending numbers. I always prided myself on never having my name highlighted. Then one day I walk by and notice my name is highlighted.)

Me:*to manager* “Why is my name highlighted?”

Manager: “Because of this.”

(My manager showed me that the previous day I had taken a lunch of 1 hour, 0 minutes, and 1 second. To this day, I still hold the record for the shortest long lunch in the company’s history.)

Restaurant | Balboa, CA, USA(It is my last day visiting my sister and brother-in-law and they decided to take me to a restaurant off of a pier. They give us seating on their rooftop, take our order and deliver our drinks, which are regular fast food paper cups and straws, but no lids. As we […]]]>

(Restaurant | Balboa, CA, USA)

(It is my last day visiting my sister and brother-in-law and they decided to take me to a restaurant off of a pier. They give us seating on their rooftop, take our order and deliver our drinks, which are regular fast food paper cups and straws, but no lids. As we wait for our food, one of the busboys is tasked with refilling all the napkin containers on the tables.)

Busboy: “Excuse me, let me just take care of that for you.”

(He reaches over me and grabs the napkin dispenser and refills it.)

Busboy: “There ya go—”

(At this moment he knocks my drink all over me, completely by accident, but I’m soaked none-the-less and he and I work towards cleaning up the area.)

Me:*looks at busboy*

Busboy:*looks at me for a good minute* “So… did you want another drink?”

Me:*as I hold my now empty drink and face-palming on the inside* “Uh… ya.”