A Songstress' Lore of Lies

The hospital discharged me a couple days later, but I had James bring my make-up work while I stayed. I still had to keep my grades up, because college isn't easy to get into.

My music career isn't as great as it can be, maybe if I study different styles, it'll get better. Playing gigs here and there, is a bit unreliable. If a more popular band gets on, my performance gets cancelled.

As I stepped into my apartment, there was a faint smell that wasn’t there before. There were keys on the ground and a trail of chips leading to my room. I grabbed the kitchen knife in case there was a home invasion, and walked into my bedroom.

"Sup."

Emily was laying in my bed, eating chips.

"Are you fucking high in my apartment?"

She stared at me and offered a blunt.

"For the most part, I have more if you want one.”

I was shaking my head, but she didn’t

"Lori, you need to chill... Also you need to call Rashad about our next gig."

That had slipped my mind completely, tomorrow we had to play at a seemingly abandoned warehouse. We needed to scrape up money for a new mic, because if you don’t bring your own stuff, you're shit out of luck.

"Alright... My first question is... Why are you here, and the next is how'd you get in?"

She smirked and jingled what looked like my keys...

"Remember how we bumped into each other two weeks ago and you couldn't find your keys? It was me!"

She laughed semi-evil like, and I remembered she was a pickpocket in New York. She must've gotten copies, probably has everyone's keys.

"Em... turn that off."

The news was still reporting on what happened, and I could see them badgering Dr. Nolan.

"Naw.. I'll just change the channel. You sit your pretty ass here, and I'll make popcorn."

She stood up and surprise kissed me on the lips, again. I didn't mind all that much, but I was irritated by her previous actions.

"Look at me. Does it seem like I'm in the mood to watch a movie?"

"No, but you're rarely in the mood for anything. Lighten up and light it up for once."

She tossed a small metal container which had her blunts inside. Sometimes I regret ever dating her, I laid the knife on top of my nightstand, and sat down.

After we watched some comedy movies, Emily left for work. For some reason, I thought it'd be good to go for a walk. There was a guy that kept following me, but I headed into the crowd to avoid bumping into him.

"Hi, wanna go for a drink? You're super-hot, it'd be a shame to let that all that go to waste."

Hooray... Two douche bags, for the price of one. First the weirdo following me, and now this asshole catcalling me.

"No, sorry. I don't like the taste of roofies."

Before he could respond, I walked away. He had managed to grab a hold of my hand, but a strong black man grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Let go of her, now."

It looked like he had squeezed super hard, because the other guy loosened his grip on me.

"Ladies don't like it when you touch them without their permission. Remember that, or next time... I won't be so forgiving..."

The guy ran away, obviously overpowered and publically shamed.

"My wife noticed you were in trouble, so I came to help."

Suddenly there was a little kid strapped to his leg, and a white woman walked up to hug him.

"Come to my gym sometime, we offer classes in women's self-defense. If you join with a friend, its half off."

She handed me a card and left, but I noticed the other creepy guy was still looking at me. I decided to walk into the gas station, but he just stood outside... he pretended to be waiting for someone. Till I saw Rashad pull up in his beat up car to a gas pump, as I exited the building I called out.

"Yo, Rash. Mind giving me a lift home?"

We all had stage names, but he had the worst of them all... He liked it for some reason.

"Yeah, let me put some gas in her first."

It was getting dark, and that guy was still there, occasionally glancing back. I got into Rashad's car and found that his phone was smashed.

"Yeah... I broke up with Carla."

"Or she dumped you for cheating on her."

He turned the car on and smiled at me.

"On the bright side, I'm single if you're looking."

I laughed internally, but smiled back.

"Do you want to see me dodge a bullet."

He had a puzzled look on his face.

"What?"

"I don't wanna go out with you. Would you like to see me do it again?"

As he began to process the joke, he laughed.

"How am I the bullet?"

"You forget; I know all of your ex's."

To make a long story short, those women went nuts after dating him.

"Oh... It's not my fault women are crazy about me."

"Could it be that you drive them crazy? Anyways, how are we going to get money for a new mic?"

He pulled out a wad of cash from his jacket.

"I sold my autographed Muhammad Ali photo that Emily got for my birthday. Don't tell her; you know how she is when she's mad."

They've been close, but Rash never asked her out. He didn't want to fuck up the band, so he ignored her advances. It seems he fucks around too much, but more often than not it’s a front. Plus, she had stolen that photo when she lived in New York.

He was always fighting with them, because he refused to be the church drummer. They recognized he had talent, but they didn't want him in our band.

"They told me its either a Christian band or I find somewhere else to live. Can you believe that?!"

It’s hard to get bullshit past me, and I only became more skeptical.

"Nope, that's what you always say. Are you sure you didn’t just overreact?”

A glum yet guilty look befell his face.

"They didn't exactly kick me out, but they might as well have."

I opened my door and threw my keys into the bowl.

"You can stay here till you cool off, but you know the rules."

Styxx had a nasty habit of walking around the house in his boxers while drinking my orange juice from the carton.

"Okay, okay... I'll behave..."

Today was more or less normal, but that offer kept crossing my mind. I laid wide awake staring at the card, pondering on who'd be interested in joining with me. Styxx was too lazy, Rash would just hit on the women there... Emily might do the same... Then it hit me.

(:"You awake?")

I sent James a text from Styxx's phone.

(:"It's 3 in the morning, who's this?")

I could fuck with him, but then he would just block this number. I still had to ask if he would go.

(:"This is Lori, but my friend doesn't know I took his phone.")

(:"You shouldn't be stealing from your friends.")

Yeah… tell that to Styxx… He singlehandedly ate most of what was in my fridge.

(:"I borrowed it, duh.")

(:"Well, okay... But what did you want? It's pretty damn early.")

(:"Well I was going to ask if you wanted to go to a gym with me on Saturday. I'll ask Rashad if you don't want to.")

Almost instantly, I got his reply.

(:"I'll go, its super late though.")

(:"Alright, meet me at my place, Saturday. Good night.")

I knew he'd come through, usually always does. However, I dont confuse my feelings like most girls. If you think you can woo me easily by being nice and dependable, think again.

Actions speak louder than words, so I decided to take the self-defense class. Never again will I be the victim, but it’s going to be tough. I'm not exactly the toughest person on the block.

When I awoke the next morning I heard ruckus. At six in the morning. Styxx better have a damn good reason.

Then a huge noise filled the room, Crash!

Styxx busted through my door, bloodied and beaten.

"Run..."

I jumped out of bed and ran towards my window. The man responsible for beating Styxx half to death was standing by my door, watching me helplessly jiggle the window.

Comments

I think you have a good thing going here. Your stories are easily relatable for teens. The only thing is our language has changed a bit and a lot of the words you use just feel out of place. I'm just going to copy and paste in the story, then write comments throughout in underlined italics.

"

The hospital discharged me a couple days later, but I had James bring my make up work while I stayed. I still had to keep my grades up, because college isn't easy to get into at all. adding "at all" seems unnecessary

My music career isn't as great as it can be, maybe if I study different styles, it'll get better. Playing gigs here and there, is a bit unreliable. If a more popular band gets on, my performance gets cancelled. I see how this is connected (college is hard to get into and you can't depend on the music), but at first it just seemed random. You might want to connect it a bit more

As I stepped into my apartment, my gut said there was something off. I grabbed the kitchen knife and walked into my bedroom. It might be more realistic if she noticed something out of place

"Sup."

Emily was laying in my bed, eating chips...

"Are you fucking high, in my apartment?" You don't need a comma here

She stared at me and offered a joint.

"For the most part.. I have more if you want one." elipses are usually used in threes

I was shaking my head in disappointment, but she didn't understand why.. you don't need to add "in dissapointment", the reader will get it

"Lori, you need to chill.. Also you need to call Rashad about our next gig."

That had slipped my mind completely.. tomorrow we had to play at a seemingly abandoned warehouse. We needed to scrape up money for a new mic, because if you dont bring your own stuff, then you're shit out of luck. I would get rid of "then" - makes "you're shit out of luck" more powerful

"Alright.. My question is.. Why are you here, and how'd you get in?" that's two questions. Maybe change it to "first of all" or even just "ummm"

She smirked and jingled what looked like my keys..

"Remember how we bumped into each other two weeks ago and you couldn't find your keys? It was me!"

She laughed semi-evil like, and I remembered she was a pickpocket in New York. She must've gotten copies, probably has everyone's keys..

"Em.. turn that off."

The news were still reporting on what happened, and I could see them badgering Dr. Nolan. News was, not were

"Naw.. I'll just change the channel. You sit your pretty ass here, and I'll make popcorn."

She stood up and surprise kissed me on the lips, again. I didn't mind all that much, but I was irritated by her previous actions.

"Look at me. Does it seem like I'm in the mood to watch a movie?"

"No, but you're rarely in the mood for anything. Lighten up and light it up for once.."

She tossed a small metal container which had her blunts inside. Sometimes I regret ever dating her.. I laid the knife on top of my nightstand, and sat down. Okay first she offered a joint, but now she has blunts? They're two different things and it'd be weird if she brought both. I would choose one.

After we watched some comedy movies, Emily left for work. For some reason, I thought it'd be good to go for a walk. There was a guy that kept following me, but I walked into the crowd to avoid confrontation. I would change the verb "walked" because it just seems repetetive in this group of sentences. Maybe say "headed into the crowd"? Also, I would change the word confrontation to conversation. As far as the reader knows these are two strangers; they're not settling an earlier conversation/argument. There is nothing to confront yet.

"Hi, wanna go for a drink? You're super hot, it'd be a shame to let that all that go to waste.."

Horray.. Two douche bags, for the price of one. I don't really get this. Is she reffering to Emily as a douche bag? If so I still don't get the 2 for the price of one thing...

"No, sorry. I don't like the taste of ruffies." Most people spell it "roofies"

Before he could respond, I walked away quickly. He had managed to grab a hold of my hand, but a strong black man grabbed him by the shoulders. "walked away quickly" is unnecesary. If she walked away before he could respond, then it is already obvious that it was quick. I would just leave it as "walked away". Adverbs should be avoided when they can be.

"Let go of her, now."

It looked like he had squeezed super hard, because the other guy loosened his grip on me.

"Ladies don't like it when you touch them without their permission. Remember that, or next time.. I won't be so forgiving.."

The guy ran away, obviously overpowered and publically shamed.

"My wife noticed you were in trouble, so I came to help."

Suddenly there was a little kid strapped to his leg, and a caucasian woman hugged him. Haha it's not really a big deal, I just find it funny how you refer to black people as black, but to white people as caucasion.

"Come to my gym sometime, we offer classes in women's self defense. If you join with a friend, its half off."

He handed me a card and left with his family Shouldn't the wife hand her the card? It's her business. , but I noticed the other creepy guy was still looking at me. So "So" is unnecesary, I recomend taking it out I decided to walk into the gas station, but he just waited would change "waited" to stood, or something similar to avoid repetition in the same sentence outside.. he pretended to be waiting for someone. Till I saw Rashad pull up in his beat up car to a gas pump.

"Yo, Rash. Mind giving me a lift home?" Should probably mention her walking out of the gas station to talk to Rashad

We all had stage names, but he had the worst of them all.. He liked it for some reason..

"Yeah, let me put in "in" is not supposed to be there I'm guessing some gas in her first."

It was getting dark, and that guy was still there, occasionally glancing back. I got into Rashad's car and found that his phone was smashed..

"Yeah.. I broke up with carla.."

"Or she dumped you for cheating on her.."

He turned the car on and smiled at me.

"On the bright side, I'm single if you're looking."

I laughed internally, but smiled back..

"D you want to see me dodge a bullet."

He had a puzzled look on his face..

"What?"

"I don't wanna go out with you. Would you like to see me do it again?"

As he began to process the diss, he laughed. I personally wouldn't use the word diss. It's a little outdated. Maybe just call it a joke?

"How am I the bullet?"

"You forget, I know all of your ex's."

To make a long story short, those women went nuts after dating him.

"Oh.. It's not my fault women are crazy about me."

"Could it be that you drive them crazy? Anyways, how are add in "we" going to get money for a new mic?"

He pulled out a wad of cash from his jacket.

"I sold my autographed Muhammad Ali photo that Emily got for my birthday. Don't tell her, Either use a period or semi-colon you know how she is when she's mad.."

They've been close, but Rash never asked her out. He didn't want to fuck up the band, so he ignored her advances. It seems he fucks around too much, but more often than not its a front. Plus she had stolen that photo when she lived in New York..

He then I would take out "then" punched the wall in a fit of anger, then instantly regretted it.

"Again? Wait... isn't it like the fifth time?"

He was always fighting with them, because he refused to be the church drummer. They recognized he had talent, but they didn't want him in our band.

"They told me its either a christian band or I find somewhere else to live. Can you believe that?!"

As skeptical looks go, mine had an extra hint of detecting bullshit. This sentence just seems a little off.

"Nope, that's what you always say. Are you sure that's what they said?" Would change it to something like "Are you sure those were their exact words?" just to avid having the verb "say" twice in a row.

A glum yet guilty look befell his face. This is from a teenagers persepctive, and I feel like teengers don't use the word "befell"

"They didn't exactly kick me out, but they might as well have.."

I opened my door and threw my keys into the bowl.

"You can stay here till you cool off, but you know the rules.."

Styxx had a nasty habit of walking around the house in his boxers while drinking my orange juice from the carton.

"Okay, okay.. I'll behave.."

Today was more or less normal, but that offer kept crossing my mind.. I laid wide awake staring at the card.. Pondering on who'd be interested in joining with me. Styxx was too lazy, Rash would just hit on the women there... Emily might do the same.. Then it hit me. Wouldn't it be weird for a guy to go to a self-defense class trainging women to defend themselves from men?

(:"You awake?")

I sent James a text from Styxx's phone.

(:"It's 3 in the morning, who's this?")

I could fuck with him, but then he would just block this number. I still had to ask if he would go..

(:"This is Lori, but my friend doesn't know I took his phone.")

(:"You shouldn't be stealing from your friends..")

Yeah.. tell that to Styxx.. He single handedly ate most of what was in my fridge..

(:"I borrowed it, duh..")

(:"Well, okay.. But what did you want? It's pretty damn early.")

(:"Well I was going to ask if you wanted to go to a gym with me on Saturday.. but I'll ask Rashad if you don't want to.")

Almost instantly, I got his reply..

(:"I'll go, its super late though..")

(:"Alright, meet me at my place, saturday. Good night.")

I knew he'd come through, usually always does. However, I dont confuse my feelings like most girls. If you think you can woo me easily by being nice and dependable, think again.

Actions speak louder than words, so I decided to take the self defense class. Never again will I be the victim, but its going to be tough. I'm not exactly the toughest person on the block.

When I awoke the next morning I heard ruckus. At six in the morning. Styxx better have a damn good reason.

Crash! Since most of the narrators writing are internal thoughts, it seems out of place to use an onamonapia

Styxx had "had is unnecesary and only makes the action less exciting" busted through my door, bloodied and beaten.

"R...r...run..." I feel like it's unrealistic for him to stutter right now. Shit's urgent...

I jumped out of bed and ran towards my window. The man responsible for beating Styxx half to death was standing by my door. If she ran towards her window, how is she suddenly at the door. This should be explained a little better.

"Miss me?"

Mr. Devoe was in my room with a bloody baseball bat."

Okay so I know it's a lot of feedback, but take what you want from it. The only other thing I would add is that elipses are great, I often use them too, but when it comes to things like that less is more. It sort of loses its affect when they're thrown in every couple sentences.