The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals! The American President has declared energy reform to be nonnegotiable. And yet I, the great god of the sea, languish in the heavens, waiting for the prayer phone to ring.

The thunder of Zeus be upon you, O mortals! The President has declared energy reform to be nonnegotiable. And yet I, the great god of the sea, wait for the prayer phone to ring.

The ringtone to my prayer phone is the sirens’ song. It’s been two thousand years, mortals, and I’m beginning to think they will not sing for me.

How you have lost your way, seafarers. How your monotheism and scientific revolution and liberal democratic government have forsaken we Olympians. Do you no longer see our greatness? Has my eternal glory become somehow less eternal?

You wish to end your dependence on foreign oil, curb the effects of global warming, and create jobs for recession-weary Americans? Begin with the gods, mortals. Begin by rekindling the millennia-old flame of my celebrity. Pray to the king among kings, the lord of the fjord, the god with the most cod.

I carried the triremes to Troy, mortals. I brought Ulysses home eventually. The great Pericles himself kneeled before my image and worshipped me, before dying of an entirely unrelated plague. I bring fortune and glory wherever I go.

Reform your pitiful energy laws if you so choose, mortals. Tentatively begin to alter the course of the behemoth oil tanker known as America. But know that my depths surround you, and that my seas are ever rising. And recognize that whether or not you worship me, my godly power and everlasting fame are not negotiable.