What does life give?

First of, put this on before you start reading. Makes the reading more pleasent sometimes…

So what is it like, when you feel your life is going in reverse? Or want it to go in reverse? How does it feel when you want something but is’nt getting it? When you try to do something, but what is really happening is that you are moving slightly backwards. I kind of have both those feelings. I want to get on with my life, make my dreams come true. I have all these visions about how to act, how to do this and that, and what I want with my life. At the same time I do realise that it aint happening. Im too afraid to fail again. I want to move, hopefully to America, improve my english, get to know a whole lot of new people, get a new circle of friends. I have had so much experiences in my life, which have formed me to be the one I am today. I used to be a rebel, sidekick to the cool guys. I have been alot on my own, locked myself into a shell, thinking noone would see. But as I grow older i knew that would’nt work. I turned 18, and got to know my girlfriend at that time were pregnant. 18 years of age, totally not ready or mature enough to be a father to a child. At least thats what I thought. Those 9 months it took for him to be born, matured me in a way I never thought could happend. And then I experienced that child, whom i love so insanly much, turned out to be someone else’s. Now DONT make up your mind about something. «Oh what a cheating bitch», «How could she» and so on. I aren’t gonna tell that story here, but it was a part of my life that made me who I am today.

So experiences have a huge impact on everyones life, I’ve had a bunch, and luckily I did’nt give in on the bad ones. I held my head up straight and somehow got my life back on track. So here I am again, remeniscing how things have been the last few years. Its time for me to move on again, but I’m not sure if I’m ready or even dare to move on. I sometimes hoping my life would backtrack a little, so I could change things. I have locked myself too much in. If I were 20 again, and had the same thoughts as I have now, I would definitly be moving to America within the year. Thats what I’m thinking now. Im heading there this summer for a vacation. But what i’m hoping is that I would get some guts after that, and just jump on the train to the future. Is my future wife there? Am I gonna be a busdriver? A bartender? Whatever the next wave is, I am happy to jump on it and surf along. Im not gonna dive in the pool anymore, going nowhere. I have lived in this city almost my entire life, and now its time to try something new. Hold on – there’s nothing wrong about my town, but sometimes you just cant hide the truth anymore. My truth? Well its so simple. The truth is that I have been so afraid of changes that I have made my own bubble here. I have my 3 best friends here. I know I would never manage to live without them. But ey, wherever I am in the world, they would always, ALWAYS, be with me. My heart contains alot, and the biggest parts are the ones who matter the most. My heart may have been broken into a thousand pieces, but out of that puzzle, I lost the least important ones, and kept the ones who really mattered to me.

So what does life give? Is there really an answer to that? I can say both yes and no. No – you never know what the future brings. You may plan a vacation, or a date, or whatever, but on the road to that, changes may occur. And yes, life give you dreams. Its only up to yourself what you are doing with them. Do you want to stock them, and think of what could have been, or are you gonne open the box and putting it out on the table? I know what I would do, because the best memories are built on experiences…

So please, shed a tear with me, and float into the world of Yiruma with this amazing piece of musical art: