February 17, 2014

Messy

The past month and a half has been overwhelmingly challenging for me. It has been one bad thing after another. I hinted it at it a bit in a previous post. (February has not been any better, unfortunately) And while I won't go into details here (some things just need to stay private), I've realized once again that it is the hard times, the extremely stressful and overwhelming times that I see Christ most clearly and feel His almost tangible presence.

I feel so blessed to have had a truly intimate time with the Lord over these last few weeks. It's something that I had been praying about all of last year. Last year was spiritually quiet for me overall. Have you ever had times like that? You are doing everything that you should be like reading the Word and going to church and attending Bible studies and praying and all those lists of things that are "the things" to do. But God still seems far and there is this wall that seemingly in between the two of you. It's frustrating. You begin to doubt God and ask questions. There is no big life altering "thing", just a constant feeling of disconnect.

I've gone through periods of life like this before. It can be so disheartening. Most of the time I can look back and see that God was trying to get my attention. He was pointing out some sin that I had not acknowledged. I am always thankful that He is so patient and merciful towards me.

I have been doing a Bible study with the ladies at my church that I just know the Lord planned at exactly the right time. There are multiple checklists of things to evaluate yourself and see where you are in your relationship with Christ. So many things that reveal my prideful heart and sinful nature. So many things that I must confess and ask forgiveness for. It's continual and feels so very exactly what I need at this time.

Aren't you thankful for a God who loves you enough not to leave you where you are, but constantly whispers to your heart that He has more for you, if you will only take His hand and follow? He reminds me to be courageous and fear not over and over (also doing a study in Joshua with my camp girls). How amazing to be loved like that?!

I am constantly reminded that just because I work in ministry full time, in no way (NO WAY) means that I have all the answers, nor do I have a perfect relationship with God. I struggle. I fall flat on my face. And I get back up and again and again and reach out to take His out-stretched hand once again, squeezing it tight and looking up into His face with tear filled eyes. This walk with Christ is messy and hard and so exactly where I want to be because He loves His messy kids. He LOVES them.