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Sex, sex and then some more sex. Sunday-night Lifetime television felt like Cinemax After Dark with that much nakedness. Four out of five people who live under the Beauchamp roof hooked up with someone … Strike that. Three out of five people hooked up, and one used sex as a cover-up for an Asgardian ritual. I still counted it because a pretty bra and a nice set of abs were showcased.

Before we get to the sexcapade, I need to set the scene. Freya and Freddie are turning 30. In case you forgot they were twins, Joanna reminds us in a half-British, half-American accent. She is overjoyed because this is the first time in all of her lives that Freya has made it to the big 3-0! Freya is annoyed that her mother is throwing a huge party on her behalf at the Bent Elbow. Freddie is irritated that Tarkoff keeps making him carve symbols in random people’s chests.

Ingrid’s mood ring is a dull gray. What will do it to a person? She heads over to Dash’s to accept a brunch invitation, only to find her sister’s ex-fiancé gallivanting around his massive mansion with a townie who wears nothing but his button-down.

Wendy’s morning isn’t going well either. Tommy saw her change from a cat to a woman and immediately freaked. After confessing to her sister, Joanna warns Wendy that she has to perform a memory spell on Tommy and then never speak to him again. If witches find out he knows about their kind, there will be a target on his head. (Foreshadowing, anyone?) Wendy calls Joanna out. What if Tommy loses his mind like Maura? Remember her?

Now, if this means that a shirtless Freddie Prinze , Jr. has to come back with some rare butterflies, I fully support this storyline.

Freya arrives at the bar and is surprised to discover Killian is working her party. This is unfortunate, since Freya is trying to forget that Killian is her soul mate. Clearly she needs alcohol. Killian whips up a silvery blue concoction and summons a flame from thin air with nothing but a snap. They touch the glass at the same time, linger a bit and use several innuendos for the phrases “It’s hot” and “I can handle it” in low, whispery voices.

Tarkoff has decided that the only way the Asgard slicing spell is going to work is if Freddie chooses someone who trusts him completely. Freddie begins to challenge this theory, and Tarkoff takes him to his knees using only his words. Then he becomes distracted monologuing, and Freddie stabs him through the heart, suggesting that he rot in hell.

Freddie heads over to the party, bellies up to the bar and barks at Killian to get him a drink. Killian senses some tension with the birthday boy and tries to cheer him up. Freddie stares him in the eyes and advises Killian to stay away from his sister if he knows what’s good for him.

Do we trust Freddie? I’m still not sure. But I will be extremely upset if he takes out a knife and starts hacking symbols into Killian’s beautiful, exquisite chest.

Killian runs to find Freya and drags her into the storeroom. Instead of questioning her about Freddie, he tells her that when he’s around her, everything is clear. Even though he has no memory of getting married, he does know that he is in love with her. Freya tells him that even if he wasn’t married, they could never be together.

Meanwhile, Caroline is busy celebrating with a somber Freddie. She leans over and there’s Turkoff smiling. (As if anyone could kill Spike that easily!)

Tarkoff: You can’t kill me, and I can’t cut the king’s spirit out of you. You’re looking for someone who trusts you. I have an idea.

Bye-bye, Caroline.

Dash walks up to Ingrid. He has been trying to call to apologize all day, but Ingrid has gotten really good at ignoring him. He gives some lame excuse about how that girl means nothing to him, and he only feels good when he’s with Ingrid, so let’s give this a try.

And it works. COME ON, INGRID.

Freya drapes a rather enormous bearskin rug over her shoulders to shield her bare skin from the night chill. Killian comes over to sit by her, and Freya spills her guts. She tells him that she is cursed, that she dies young and, in every life she’s ever lived, she has met him and it always ended tragically.

Freya: We are connected. You are my soul mate and I love you.Killian: You’ve never said that before.Freya: It’s true.

The moment was simple, real and honest. As he moved in for the big kiss, Freya backed away.

This is when I shouted bad words at my television, but Freya decided to take Killian’s advice. Screw fate. Let’s make out!

One Beauchamp down. Three to go.

Wendy takes Tommy to the Bent Elbow storeroom and conjures up an image of Bali so they can enjoy a sunset. And then they make out on the fake beach.

That’s two.

Before I knew it, Freya and Killian are ripping clothes off right in the middle of the Bent Elbow enchanted garden out back, and are using Freya’s conveniently oversize bearskin rug to guard against grass stains.

That’s three.

The scenes switch from a very naked Wendy and Tommy in fake Bali, to bearskin-rug Freya and Killian in the public garden. Then suddenly Ingrid and Dash are rolling around in front of a mansion fire. In case you’ve lost count, that is four. Hair is pulled, backs are arched, things are writhed and there is definite moaning. Then there were several more minutes of lip biting, groaning and heavy breathing in soft lighting courtesy of a fake sunset, twinkly tree lights and a roaring fire.

Even though Freya and Killian are still sprawled out in a public place, they must participate in post-coital pillow talk. Freya is nervous that they are at the mercy of fate. Killian is convinced that if their stars are crossed, they can change them.

Freya: What about Eva?

Who? Oh, right. Killian’s witch wife. This could be a problem. Killian tells Freya to meet him back at the bar at midnight. He’s going to break it off with his old lady and then they are going away together.

Now it’s time for DashIng’s post-coital pillow talk. Dash has a secret that he needs to tell Ingrid, but she’s too busy rushing to the computer to email Freya that she hooked up with her ex left the party early. When she opens Dash’s laptop, she sees the blackmail photos. Dash explains that everything isn’t black and white. Ingrid is livid that she helped Dash cover up a murder. She tells him to stay away from her. Dash gets a little crazy in his eyes and tells her that she means everything to him. I am quite positive he is going to put some weird spell on her in the near future.

Speaking of weird spells, Eva’s grandmother wakes up unable to breathe. Eva consoles her. The grandmother says she’s dying but she will stay until she knows that Killian’s child is inside her.

Abuela: I love you, Mama.Eva: I love you, Baby Girl.

Creep-tastic.

When Killian arrives at the bar, Freya runs to him, but he shoves her away, explaining that he loves Eva and that he got swept up in the moment. That can never happen again. Say it with me … the curse of the star-crossed lovers.

Back at the Beauchamp house, our fifth resident has tied his girlfriend to the bed and blindfolded her eyes. He asks if she trusts him. She answers yes. He rubs a numbing balm all over her belly, and Caroline reacts by telling Freddie she loves him. I found this timing interesting, but I’ll let bygones be bygones based on the wackadoo details unfolding before me.

Freddie dips the knife in Asgardian honey, guts Caroline like a fish and watches as the blood runs everywhere. He tells her he loves her, and SCENE.

As I mentioned before, I’m unsure if Freddie is truly a villain. I still think he’s stuck doing the will of his awful grandfather who is running around in his body. He’s a Beauchamp. He has to be good, right? And how long do you think it will take for Joanna to first hook up with Spike and then find out he’s a bad guy?

Witch Cackles

Wendy: Do you remember Freya’s birthday in 1875?Joanna: Don’t be morbid.Freya: What happened in 1875?Wendy: You were impaled.

Expression Of JoyThe Brady Bunch: Groovy! The Bradys: Ritual hugging Married…With Children: ”Oh, great.” Thirtysomething: ”Of course I’m happy for you. Really. But what about me? Why does it always have to be about you? The Flintstones: ”Yabba-dabba doo

Expression Of Rage

The Brady Bunch: ”Hmmm…” The Bradys: ”If you back away from something you really want, then you’re a quitter!” (the angriest any Brady has ever been) Married…With Children: ”Aaagh, God, take me from this miserable life!” Thirtysomething: ”I’m not angry, OK?” The Flintstones: ”Willllmaaaa!”

Typical ProblemThe Brady Bunch: Marcia and her rival both want to be the prom queen. The Bradys: Bobby gets paralyzed. Married…With Children: Al doesn’t buy his family Christmas presents. Thirtysomething: Nancy gets cancer. The Flintstones: Fred and Barney are staying out too late.

Typical SolutionThe Brady Bunch: The prom committee decides to have two queens. The Bradys: Bobby gets married. Married…With Children: They hate him. Thirtysomething: If only we knew… The Flintstones: Wilma and Betty decide to follow them.

Attitude Toward SexThe Brady Bunch: Never heard of it The Bradys: Omigod — even Cindy does it! Married…With Children: Peg: Yes. Al: No. Thirtysomething: They didn’t get all those kids by accident. The Flintstones: Prehistoric

How Spouses FightThe Brady Bunch: They don’t. The Bradys: Infrequently, but it happens Married…With Children: Tooth and nail Thirtysomething: They stop talking The Flintstones: Fred and Barney go bowling while Wilma and Betty max out their charge cards.

How Kids Get Into TroubleThe Brady Bunch: Greg takes a puff of a cigarette. The Bradys: Carol’s grandson steals her business cards and sticks them in the spokes of Bobby’s wheelchair. Married…With Children: By committing felonies Thirtysomething: Ethan plays with a forbidden toy rocket. The Flintstones: They don’t.

How They’re Punished

The Brady Bunch: ”It’s not what you did, honey — it’s that you couldn’t come to us.” The Bradys ”Next time, ask.” Married…With Children: By the authorities Thirtysomething: It blows up in his face. The Flintstones: They’re not.

What Family Does For FunThe Brady Bunch: Takes special three-part vacations to Hawaii and the Grand Canyon The Bradys: Has flashbacks Married…With Children: Exchanges insults Thirtysomething: Talks The Flintstones: Attends showings of The Monster at the Bedrock Drive-In

Unsolved MysteriesThe Brady Bunch: How exactly did Carol’s first husband and Mike’s first wife die? The Bradys: What’s with Marcia’s new face and Bobby’s blonde hair Married…With Children: What kind of hair spray does Peg use? Thirtysomething: Why did Nancy take Elliot back? What do Gary and Susanna see in each other? The Flintstones: How does Barney’s shirt stay on if he has no shoulders? Where do Fred and Wilma plug in their TV?

Worst BehaviorThe Brady Bunch: The Brady children once made Alice feel under-appreciated.

Best Reason To WatchThe Brady Bunch: This is what life should be. The Bradys: They’re all grown-ups now! Married…With Children: Terry Rakolta hates it. Thirtysomething (Tie) This is your life. This isn’t your life. The Flintstones: This is what life might have been.

Best Reason Not To WatchThe Brady Bunch: Blurred vision from rerun overdoses. The Bradys: You’re all grown-ups now. Married…With Children: She has a point. Thirtysomething: After a while, you think it’s real. The Flintstones: The Simpsons