marriage

Kind of like blogging is for me these days. I’d like to rip the calendar page off and crumple it into a ball and throw it in the trash. It hasn’t been horrible, but it’s been rough.

There are things I’d like to share and say and mull over. I want to meander through the forest of unknowns and what ifs. I’d like to presume less and wonder more. But I tend to stay guarded and less than free. Why? Perhaps no particular reason other than a few bad experiences and restrictions I’ve placed on myself and my writing to protect others around me. Oh to be so wildly inhibited as to just blurt out all the things on my mind. Wouldn’t that be great? Or no. Maybe not so great.

A few years ago I had a friend call me and tell me that she needed to talk. She had things to get out and share and I was her go-to gal. Why, I’ll never really know. When someone starts a conversation with “….and you can’t tell this to anyone” …. I wonder when would be a good time to tell them I can’t keep to that standard. Now, before you get all cranky because you’ve maybe been one to tell me such things, just bear with me a moment.

Over the years I have had MANY conversations with friends and family who all ask me to not share their news or secrets. And for the most part, that has held up to this day. Stories of infidelity, of sickness, of trauma, loss, heartaches. Some about children whose parentage is not what it appears to be. Heartbreaking stories, life-giving stories, tragedies, triumphs, silly stuff and serious stuff- it’s all there. If my mind were an open book there would be many chapters of “reader beware”. But when someone says “don’t tell anyone- not even your husband”…well, I’m sorry, I can’t keep that promise.

I have told some and they continue on. And many times I don’t say anything. Here’s the reason why: I am my beloved’s and he is mine.

We are one flesh. Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. The sanctity of marriage is unique and supernatural. I can’t really explain it. It’s not the same as living together or being engaged. Something happens when you get married. You let go of all that holds you back and you give it freely to your spouse. You pour into them and they pour into you. Well, that’s how it is supposed to be. Some days are better than others for the pouring. And some days are just bland and dumb. But there is still oneness and a unity not matched in any other earthly relationship.

So I tell my husband everything. I tell him my secrets and your secrets. I share them because he is in me and I am in him and we are one. And if I were to withhold from him and become tormented or stressed then I have effectively put up a wall between us. And sorry, but ain’t nobody got time for that.

I see this happen all the time- couples in love. They live together, sleep together, eat together and play together but they won’t just talk. They don’t let it all out. They don’t pour out of themselves ALL of it….not just the happy, sappy, lovesick part…..all of it.

I cannot keep your secrets.

And you shouldn’t keep your secrets from your spouse either. If you want REAL unity in your relationship, you have to talk about everything. If you keep back even one thing, it will build a wall brick by brick. If you justify keeping one part of you private from your mate, you have told them, by not telling them, that you don’t trust them enough to love you anyway.

It’s marriage Monday and it’s time for us to all talk a little more than we did last week.

And for your reading pleasure, these are some of the most compelling, honest, wonderful posts on marriage from the past 2 weeks. You will love them.

My marriage is messy as all hell. That’s true. But listen, friend. Here’s the thing: I LOVE IT THAT WAY. I LOVE MY MARRIAGE. I do not find messy and beautiful to be mutually exclusive. As a matter of fact- I ALWAYS SEEM TO FIND THEM TOGETHER– Messy and Beautiful By Momastery

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Weekends are great for assessing the temperature of one’s marriage. And by great, I mean terrible.

On the weekends, schedules are off, lists are made, intentions are shared but often not fulfilled.

He has his agenda, I have mine. Sometimes they’re similar but mostly they’re not.

Marriage is a constant dance of two people moving to their own beats. He’s got tango on his mind and I’m more at a waltz pace. He likes completion and I am about the process.

The weekends are also the time we have the most fights. It used to be on Sunday mornings while getting ready for church but lately it can be Saturday evenings or throughout the day on Sunday. It doesn’t happen every weekend but when it does, it’s a big blow up and things get said. We’ve learned to embrace the fights. We don’t fight like we used to but they’re certainly not enjoyable affairs either. However, they are necessary. We keep things unsaid. We bottle up and filter to protect each other until we can’t hold it in any longer. And then it blows.

But I will tell you this- the best part of the fights is the making up. And no, I’m not talking about THAT. (although make-up sex definitely has its perks) The making up of “I’m sorry” and “I didn’t mean to say that” or “I didn’t realize…” .

We’re growing. Always growing.

We’re learning. Always learning.

We’re stretching. Always Stretching.

And one thing we’ve learned after 23 years together is that we’re friends first.

We were friends before we dated, before we loved, before we kissed, before we got engaged. We were friends through it all and when I walked down that aisle, I married my friend.

Friends first is what gets us through the bad weekends, the fighting, the hum-drum days, the long silences.

Friendship is the basis of our relationship. And friendship makes us fight harder to stay together.

There were a few years when we had moved away, started out on our own, had babies alone, struggled without food and clothes and necessities …those were hard days. No sleep, sick kids, too many bills, no fun, not much to look forward to and pure exhaustion with life. We didn’t talk a lot. We fought some. Sometimes we didn’t love each other for a long period of time. It was hard. Really hard.

But even in those dark days that lasted for years(yes, really- years) we always held on to our friendship. Maybe we didn’t treat each other as good friends should. And maybe we took our friendship for granted. But we had the memories and the hope of what was and what would be.

And I’m happy to say we came out of those long, dark, trying years with our friendship stronger and our focus sharper: to be good lovers, you have to be good friends.

After we were married 10 years we started to laugh more.

After 13 years we held hands more.

After 15 years we loved being together more.

After 17 years: the fire was lit. We fell in love all over again. Not just puppy love. Not just superficial, sexually-fired up desire(although that was part of it), but true, enduring, abiding love.

I don’t know how to be married and not be friends. I don’t even know if it can be done.

If you are struggling in your relationship and finding you’re wanting to give up, try being friends. Friends WITHOUT benefits. Love her, love him just for being your friend. Laugh, hold hands, buy a gift or a treat. Show up unexpectedly. Send them a note, a text , an email. Be funny. Be silly. Be FRIENDLY. Bake some cookies. Order their favourite book or movie from Amazon. BE THE FRIEND YOU’D LOVE TO HAVE.

And you just might be surprised that they’re the friend you need.

This weekend one of the best posts on marriage that I have ever read was spreading like wild-fire. I have a feeling it has gone viral already. If you haven’t read it, take a few minutes to read it now: it’s amazing.

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I’m getting ready to do 31 Days of Blogging for October again. But since it’s Monday, I wanted to sneak in one last post for Marriage Mondays (which I clearly have not been consistent in writing for!).

I was privileged to be at a rare event this past Saturday. A wedding. Not so rare, you say? Well let me just tell you how rare it was:

it was in a church

simple, almost sparse decorations

people dressed up for this occasion

a lone pianist played while guests were seated

the processional began while a violinist accompanied the pianist

The first sets of grandparents were seated- all grey haired; 2 couples on the groom’s side

The bride’s grandparents were seated- all grey haired; 2 couples

The groom’s parents were escorted in by the groom- this couple, married for 23 years

The bride’s mom was escorted in followed by the bride escorted by her dad. The parents, still married, sat together.

On the front row were these 6 couples: SIX. All married to their original mate- a combined total of over 250 years of marriage represented for this young couple to be mentored by and to model their marriage after.

Don’t get me wrong here- I know that death and divorce are a part of life. I am not condemning anyone whose nuptials look nothing like this, but I am stating the fact: it is rare and it was profound.

The service was short: a couple of worship songs which clearly state the faith of this newly-joined couple.

A simple 3 point message from the pastor.

Nervous, excited, touching vows.

A ring that got stuck, giggles, blushing and finally….a tender, sweet, 21 year old kiss.

It took me back to my own wedding.

So traditional in many ways.

I wonder why people get all crazy about weddings and the fuss made over them? This day was sweet because two young people pledged their love, devotion and commitment to each other before God and their families. That’s it. That’s really all there is to DO on a wedding day. Commit. Pledge. Vow.

It was a 35 minute ceremony. And now life begins.

What I love about this type of wedding is that the expectation is for the bride and groom to learn and grow together. They don’t have it all figured out. But they EXPECT to work at it and learn together. There is no pre- nup. There is no contingency for “if things don’t work out”. There is only a united, committed effort to love and be loved….till death us do part.

The bride wore white because she earned the right to do so. A couple who waited till the night of their wedding to take the next step in solidifying their bond. It’s a beautiful thing. If you ever get a chance to witness a wedding like that, take it!

And then pray for them. Because this world is not kind to marriage. There are voices and feelings and offences that work against the first rule of marriage: put the other person first. Once you get that, the other stuff falls into place.

I came across a blog this weekend that I read a year ago. It is simple, from SimpleMom. Worth the read for all of us:

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A few years ago we were out shopping for something, somewhere, in some store that has all kinds of needed and unneeded things. A day like any other day and I had no particular mission or pressing need to buy all the things. And then I was caught by a chunky, cable-knit sweater. But it was too much and I talked myself out of it before I even touched it.

I often do that; minimize my needs and wants in lieu of the practical. It isn’t like I didn’t have a sweater to wear. Well, maybe I didn’t come to think of it. Anyway, that sweater was new and soft and I could imagine cold frosty mornings with hot tea and a good book. I could see denim jeans and a walk in the park. I could justify pulling it on over my ratty pajamas in a hurry to get the kids off to school.

And then he came around the rack. “Try it on”, he said.

“No”, I said. “It’s too much.”

He pulled it off the rack and handed it to me, “try it on.”

I did. And I loved it. And he said I should have it. So we did. We bought that sweater.

It’s a little worn and frayed. It needs a button or two. But it’s still cozy on a winter morning and I still pull it on over my pajamas. When I’m sick it’s the only thing warm enough but not too constricting. I can still wear it with my jeans and not look to hobo-ish. (well, that’s what I think).

There are other sweaters. Nicer sweaters. Cheaper sweaters. Sweaters that are vibrant and edgy, sweaters that are warm and fuzzy and cute and sexy.

But they’re not my sweater. And they don’t have the smell or the memories that this sweater has.

I am a wife. Of nearly 22 years. And even though there have been times when I could have walked away from my life, my husband and whatever THIS is that we’re doing, I chose to stay and live. I cried some days. I longed for new and fresh and fun and vibrant and colourful and sexy…..

But I will tell you this- there is NOTHING- not one small little thing, that can compare to knowing that you have someone who has seen the tears, seen the mess, held your hand, kissed your cheek, heard your fears, weathered your rants, put up with your crap, stayed by your side, juggled the responsibilities, made you laugh, took some risks or had your back.

Married for life is not about being the prettiest, sexiest, funnest, cutest, happiest at all times, in all ways, every day, till death do us part.

It’s just like a worn sweater on a cool fall morning: warm, comforting and familiar. Why would I want anything else?

Follow me on Instagram : @juatisask

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I’m slowly finding my way back into a blogging cycle. SLOWLY. Sorry about that. Hard to get back to early mornings, school lunches, homework helper and organizer of all the things. Oh, which by the way, I have never been. An organizer. Well, I am and I’m not. Long story. Scattered, focused chaos. That is my life.

I have been wanting to do a series on weddings, marriage and staying married for a long time. September may seem like an odd time but in reality, fall and the months leading up to Christmas are prime engagement and wedding planning seasons. In anticipation of next spring and summer and all of you who are planning, hoping to be planning, and planning on planning, my goal is to convince you that all your dreams can become a reality but not in the way or for the money you always thought. I am going to attempt to reprogram your thinking on weddings. And it all starts with the dream of that dress…

Earlier this summer my girls got all hung up on Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. I have a love/hate relationship with that show. I love Randy and the old episodes with Keasha. But the picky bridezilla types? No thanks. Big time turn off for me right there. And then I get sad. I am sad for the families, sad for the guys who marry these girls and sad mostly for the women who have made the hunt for the “PERFECT” dress(of which there is no such thing) THE ultimate focus of their wedding.

When my daughter was shopping for her grad dress earlier this year she wanted to try on every colour, every style and it was exhausting. Before we even started I told her a couple of things: 1. This is ONE day of your whole life. It is not your wedding and it is not the defining moment of your life so don’t put more emphasis on what you’re wearing than on the fact that you have completed high school and life goes on.

2. There will always—-ALWAYS be a prettier dress. You could try on dresses forever and still be able to find one prettier, better and more perfect(of which there is no such thing) than the last one. So my advice: stop. Just stop when you find one you love and makes you feel pretty and isn’t too expensive and is just right for this day and this moment. Stop. Walk away. Buy it and let it be.

That was a tough sell. I’m not gonna lie to you. She wanted to try on more. She did go without me to other stores and she tried to push the budget. (We were trying to stay under $300)

The dress came to us subtly. I knew it was the one and somewhere deep inside she did too. She just wanted to try more on though and in the end she felt like she “settled” which is exactly what I wanted to avoid. You never want to feel like you caved and went with the cheap one or the easy one or the “safe” choice. But from the beginning, the consultants in the store, Grandma, me and others all knew, this is the one.

The next step was deciding colour and she went with her gut and took a chance. So for $229 and what felt like settling for something inferior, this is what we ended up with:

The secret is not the dress you wear, how much you spent, the designer’s name or where you bought it. It matters not if you tried on 20 or tried on 2. (I tried one on and it was THE one the first time- that was it). The secret to a beautiful bride is the groom. In fact..that’s all that matters. You could get married in a paper bag or burlap sack and look gorgeous because the love and light in your eyes when you look at your man at the end of that aisle is going to make you the most beautiful woman in the world- to him and to everyone who sees you.

Find the right guy(and don’t go looking for the perfect one…remember, there is no such thing), love him, let him love you and for goodness’ sake, go get married!!

Next post: HOW to get married fast and cheap. Yes. It’s time to turn the tide on long engagements, going into debt and ridiculous details.

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I know I’m a day late for Marriage Mondays but hey, I’m just finding my groove again. So, for today, let’s pretend it’s Monday. Just this once.🙂

Once upon a time, in this land and other lands- it wasn’t that uncommon for two people to fall in love, quickly decide to get married and have a wedding. What was uncommon was to date, and date some more, and sleep around and try living together, have babies, break up, move in with someone else, get engaged, break off said engagement, plan a wedding, have a wedding, get divorced, and owe a lot of money and look back on a lot of wasted years. We now live in a reversal of our own misfortune.

So, let’s take a step back in time. Not too far back. What did THEY have that we don’t? What did THEY do that we are failing miserably at doing?

Whether you are dating, engaged, newly married, shacking up for fun or to “see if this is the one” or if you’re married and watching what the current generation is doing, it doesn’t really matter. We all have a hand in this. We encourage and discourage by our own participation or lack thereof. Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a community to build a solid, healthy marriage. You cannot do it alone. You should not do it alone.

The first thing we need to do is look at the married ones. You know them. Maybe you are them. Who around you has been married for more than 10 years? Do you think they are more special than you are? Do you think that they have found the secret to everlasting wedded blissdom? Perhaps, but likely not.

What about your grandparents, aunts , uncles, friends and neighbours? Do you ever look at them and wonder how they do it? Why are they making it last when so many are walking away? This is a question too few of us are asking. All around us are marriages that are lasting and even thriving. There are people who have been married through the darkest hours of their lives: sickness, death, bankruptcy, substance abuse, addictions, tragedies and moral failures. They overcame and they fought through it. Maybe they’re still fighting through it. Whatever they are doing, they are staying together. It is time for us to stop looking at all the ones who have walked away and start looking at the ones who are staying together.

My challenge to anyone who is planning on getting married or who is married is this: look at who your friends are. Look at who you associate with and who you get your advice from. If you are in a relationship and you want it to last 20,50 or 60 years, then stop getting advice and direction from your single, unmarried, divorced friends. When it comes to relationships, you are only going to be as successful as your cheerleading squad and if all of your cheer team have a zero success rate at staying married/together then you will soon join them on the sidelines. Pick your friends wisely. Surround yourself with people who will mentor you and help you. It doesn’t mean you completely dissociate from your single friends, but as a couple you must begin to build up your couple relationships. It doesn’t happen overnight. So in the mean time, you rely on family relationships to bolster and encourage you.

When you’re having a bad day and you are frustrated with your fiance or spouse, after you’ve prayed and calmed down, go to a married friend for advice and encouragement. It will make ALL the difference in the world.

Once upon a time, people got married and stayed married. You can too.

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Writer’s block or just maybe writer’s fatigue. I’m not sure. It isn’t that I haven’t had things to say, it’s more that I just had things to think about before I said them here. And the break was good. I love to write. But I love to read and listen too and this summer I have spent a lot of time listening to readers, other bloggers, friends, family and even eavesdropping on random conversations. You can learn a lot by listening.

So here we are , 1 week before my TWO girls go back to school.(That is so weird, by the way- to have only 2 going back to school for the first time in over 10 years!) I have a few different topics that I’ve been researching and tweaking.

First of all, in light of how social media has changed and morphed over the years, I will be doing a series on Facebook and why everyone should be on it. That ought to get some conversation rolling.😉

And then, my favourite subject: marriage……or “mawwiage, that bwessed awangement- that dweam, within a dweam…” Oh yes, I am so going there. We’ve come to that season of life where our kids’ friends, nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends’ kids are taking the big leap into wedded bliss, or something like it. So today, I am starting Marriage Mondays which doesn’t mean I won’t talk about marriage on any other day of the week but it does mean I will make an extra effort to focus solely on Marriage for the next several Mondays…maybe even into October!

Oh and October? Wait for it! 31 Days of Blogging is coming sooner than we think and this year, I am completely ecstatic over my choice of topics but I can’t tell you what it is yet. SHHHHH! Have patience, it will be good.

Okay, all done. I’m back. All is right with the world. Time for back to school shopping, meal plans, lunches, coffee time with moms and routine! Yay for routine! So, tell me where you all have been and what you’ve been up to.

PS> OUR HOUSE SOLD!! Bless Jesus! They took possession Friday and we are done. DONE DONE DONE!🙂

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Me:Prairie Girl!

My name is Juanita and I live on the western prairies of Canada. It's not winter here all the time! Honest. But I do love winter. I love photography. I love my family and I love people. I have a passion for truth and I'm learning to temper that with love and gentleness...slow learner I think. ;)