Fest 12 Feature: "How To Fest"

Welcome to our last pre-Fest 12 feature of 2013: The one where we use "Fest" as a verb. In the replies, you'll find a compilation of tips and tricks that we've accumulated from an assortment of Fest veterans, who are generously lending their knowledge to form a bit of a Fest survival guide of sorts. Vinnie from Less Than Jake offers up what he calls the "Gainesville Coffee Crawl," Chris from Fake Problems contributes a bunch of nonsense, and there's even more where that came from. Check it out in the replies, feel free to comment with your excitement for the four-day weekend – which kicks off tomorrow! – and don't forget that to pick up your tickets online before they're taken down tomorrow morning.

Thomas Nassiff, I used to live in Gainesville for four years then I sold out and moved to New York City,

I'm just going to say a few things before I let our contributors take this show into their own hands....

1. Get to registration early if you don't feel like waiting in line for hours. Plan on the Holiday Inn having no room in the parking lot. Whenever you find a parking spot, leave your car there the entire weekend – especially if it's in a convenient area and you won't get towed. Take the Williston exit off I-75 instead of the Archer exit.

2. Don't make the mistake of accidentally walking out of a venue with a beer in your hand. Open container violations go for $53 or so.

3. Yes, drinking water is important – but sneak in a couple glasses of orange juice (or take Vitamin C pills) and maybe you won't be sick for an entire month after this weekend.

4. Don't buy food from any chain restaurants! Seriously, why are people always at the Taco Bell during Fest? There are way too many good local spots for you to resort to that.

5. Don't get tattooed at Body Tech. It's tempting because it's smack in the middle of everything. But really, don't go there. Go to Death or Glory Tattoo Parlor – and if you can't get in there and you absolutely need a tattoo, go to Anthem.

Vinnie Fiorello, drummer/lyricist in Less Than Jake, lives in Gainesville, always wearing hats

This is The Gainesville Coffee Crawl.

With way too much drinking crammed into 4 days comes the desperate need for caffeine, my friends. The desperate need divides people who either "can wait for coffee,” "can wait in line for coffee,” or who require "any coffee at any time."

If you know what a “Chemex,” “pour over,” “single origin" or “pull times” are, then VOLTA Coffee Shop is your place. It’s the spot that knows coffee. Every proper way to get your fix is at VOLTA. Espresso shots, cold brewed, pour over, and every shade in between. A place for being a coffee snob while trying to shake the PBR hangover.

Volta is located at 48 SW 2nd St. It’s right across from Loosey’s and very close to 8 Seconds.

Maude's has a covered patio and an iced coffee made with honey that tops any coffee in town. Obviously it has a plethora of food and other coffee drinks, but the people-watching outside is worth the price of the monster large iced coffee you’re enjoying. Sure, you may have to dodge a few angry locals outside but it’s worth it.

Maude's is located 101 SE 2nd Pl #101. It’s in the same plaza as Boca Fiesta.

Starbucks is right across the street from Maude's and is the polar opposite. Crisp environment, clean bathroom, working Wi-Fi and adequate coffee. Starbucks is great because you know exactly what you are going to get; it's the "McDonald's" of coffee places and you love it or hate. Or you go there because it has a shorter line then Maude's. It's enough to keep you moving or get you moving during FEST.

Starbucks is located 201 SE First St, Suite 107/108.

JR Wasilewski, saxophone in Less Than Jake, a man who is very familiar with Gainesville

Here are 5 things you can do to Fest like a local:

Drink a few Stumpknockers! I know PBR sponsors Fest, but this is a local IPA. Having one or two is not only helping to sustain the local economy when purchased, but also helping to sustain your buzz (it's over 8% alcohol). Be careful or you will black out and miss ALL!

Grub! When stumbling around trying to soak up all that brew you just drank, stop by Loosey's for a burger or some of the best chicken wings in town. Another great stop is Boca Fiesta, especially if tacos are calling your name. You can always find our friends in the Go-Go Stuff Yourself truck and get their cheesy tots. Finally, if you're up early enough, The Top does an incredible Sunday Brunch, huge Bloody Marys included.

Side note: Buddy Schaub, also of Less Than Jake, only gave us one tip...and it was also about Loosey’s: “When you're at Loosey's to watch a band which you inevitably will be at some point, try to time it out so that you're famished and order one of their delicious burgers. You won't need to eat for the rest of the weekend!”

Try to find Tony! This is Fest's version of 'Where's Waldo' minus the wool hat and striped sweater. Tony is the man and if you do find him, thank him. This is all his doing.

Be nice! Every door person, bartender, and volunteer are all here trying to help make your time in Gainesville as fun as it can be. So don't be a jerk if there are 50 people in front of you. And tip your bartenders.

Shower? Yes. Please shower. After four days straight of drinking and sleeping god knows where, yes, take a shower. You smell like Fest. Gainesville thanks you in advance.

Sarah Goodwin, a great person who helps make Fest happen

Rotate your liquids.
Not sure how you're going to get through 6 days? I'm a fan of drinking a beer, then some water, then a beer. Repeat. If you remember, throw an emergen-c in there somewhere.

Don't run around too much.
Master 20 minutes of small talk and you're golden.

Spend a morning in Payne's Prairie.
Get out of Gainesville, even if it's only a few miles out.

Chris Farren, of Fake Problems, a guy who lives in Florida

I asked Chris to make some tips for Fest, which probably in retrospect was a huge mistake. Fake Problems is from Naples, FL – believe it or not, they are the first band to ever exist (according to their Twitter bio) – and he came up with this. Rather than edit his tips into something that looks like something a human wrote, I have copy and pasted his email precisely how he sent it.

DAZZLE EVERYONE WITH FASHION: Obviously everyone is itching to see some great Fesy fashion this year. "Who are you wearing" is a thing everyone asks me at Fesy. You need to dazzle everyone with your wardrobe. If you're going to wear a band shirt make sure the band is either not playing or it's their first time ever and no one has ever heard of them. People will look at you and go "what's that about" and then "seems like a cool guy" or "seems like a cool girl". Then and only then will you make new friends at the Fesy.

BE RICH: Bring a lot of money! Take all of the money you have out of the dang bank and bring it to this thing!!! Bands will be selling tote bags and vinyls and you are interested in both of those things. You love them both!! Also you love to drink (sad but you have it basically under control) and drinking costs money. I recommend bringing a minimum of $3000 for the ultimate Fesy experience.

GO TO BED EARLY EVERY NIGHT: Go to bed early every night. Some of the best bands play first thing in the morning so get some sleep please. There are often some very late night shows at secret places but everyone will get arrested so don't bother, it's a mess!

TAKE PICTURES WITH CELEBRITIES: You are nervous about this but you have to do it. Celebrities, they're just like us (you) and they love attention and meeting people. Imagine standing there watching a cool band and the guy from Dikembe is talking to his friend right in front of you. Get real. Get a pic. He'll feel good about himself and you've got some great content for your gram. 100+ likes almost guaranteed.

GET IN THE PIT: Get in the pit! Mosh it up!!! Pretend you're dancing and no one is around and can not see you. Let loose of all of your inhibitions and live laugh love. Thank you. You're gonna have a great time.

If you want to have a successful Fest and not feel like absolute death come Monday morning, do the following things:

EAT. Beer alone is not a sustainable diet. Eat carbs, ideally at somewhere where you can sit down for a half-hour and rest your feet at the same time. Your body will thank you.

DRINK. Water, preferably. Just because people talk about Fest as this paradise where PBR flows through the streets doesn't mean you need to be drunk to enjoy it. I've gone to Fest every year since 2005 and didn't even have a single drink at one until 2008, and not only were those first few years just as memorable as more recent Fests, *I can actually remember them.*

SLEEP. At least 6 hours a night. There's always a good 10-12 hours from when the previous night ends to when the next day officially begins, so use that time wisely to recharge (after you party a little bit).

IGNORE YOUR SCHEDULE. You're never going to see all the bands you want to see, so don't kill yourself trying. Pick two or three must-sees per day, but beyond that, just go where Fest takes you. I used to agonize over my schedule at earlier Fests, but now I value spending time with friends I only see once a year at this thing—seeing a great band is always a bonus, but it shouldn't be your only goal.

USE GOLD BOND. Fest is in the middle of a goddamn swamp, climate-wise. You're gonna chafe. Protect yourself.

Ty Vaughn, vocalist/guitarist in Broadway Calls, generally fun human

Say yes to everything, especially if it's your first Fest. The only reason you shouldn't say “yes” is if you think it will ruin the rest of your weekend. Sleep when you can. You can get by on one meal per day. Don't spend the entire time taking pictures with your phone. If you see Tony or any of the other amazing people that organize this thing every year, don't bother them because they're busy, but just shout a quick "thank you!”