Two baby showers and no visitors.

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kmeade456 wrote:

I just need to rant. So here's the thing; my sister, and two close family friends have been planning on throwing me a shower since the very beginning of my pregnancy. Which I find very thoughtful. A few weeks ago I find out my boyfriend's mom and his sister are throwing me one, which I was very confused about because I had already told them about the one my sister had been planning for months. His mom and sister told me everyone they invited (in which I know nobody that is going to be there), they expect everything that I get at the shower to go to the boyfriend's apartment (where the baby will not be for the first 12-14 weeks), and they kept planning the same date as the one my sister had so my sister kept having to work around their continuously changing schedule. At this point after talking to them about the shower, it feels more like 'their' shower than them doing it as a nice gesture for a new mother. I don't even think I'm going to go if I'm just going to be the lady carrying around the baby with strangers talking to me. (I'll be at 33 weeks when they have their party and I know I'm just going to be a miserable pig when I'm there.).

I also told them I certain things I don't need because my mom, my sister, a family friend, and me have already bought out big things, and a walk-in closet full of baby clothes from ages nb-1 year (just because I want to dress my baby way I see fit until she can decide on her own and Im very weird about having Disney characters on my baby clothes or baby gear like Minnie Mouse and stuff. I've just wanted neutral stuff.) but she got mad and refused to listen to me about it and went on about 'Well we need the baby clothes'.

I'm just getting to my breaking point with his family because I also told them I do not want visitors after I have given birth for a few hours and I don't want anyone that I do not personally know or hasn't been with me throughout the pregnancy. They all got offended by it because my boyfriend wanted his friends to come afterwards, and I think his mom wanted his whole family there. I told them how I wouldn't feel comfortable in the hospital after pushing out my spawn, I'm going to be breastfeeding and how I only wanted my mom, sister, my neighbor (that's going to be my birthing coach), my dad, and two family friends that have been here for me the whole entire pregnancy (they've also offered to take me to the hospital if no one else can get to me in time). So I told them their household can come which his mom, his dad, his sister and him and that's it but in a way I'm afraid their going to do what they want and have a bunch of people there.

Sorry for my rant, my mom has never dealt with this and neither has any other of my friends! I don't know how to properly deal with it.

When I went on my hospital tour the guide told me that they have a "code" for when you have visitors that you don't want or would like to leave. If you don't feel comfortable telling the family outright and putting your foot down, hard to do when people are already not listening to you, I know, maybe your nurse can tell people to leave because you need rest, need to nurse, etc. You can also tell them that you need to limit visitors because of exposure to diseases such as whooping cough and the like, therefore the hospital has a limited visitor policy. My sister's hospital had this policy a few years ago and requested vaccinated people only and no small children on the baby ward. You can make up whatever you'd like or you can be super blunt and say, "You obviously know what it's like to have children, I would prefer to not be waddling around in a huge bloody diaper with my breast hanging out, in case baby needs to eat, in front of extended family that I don't even know. Especially, after going through such a physically exhausting experience such as labor. Therefore, I will be limiting visitors to these people and that is final. All other people will be asked to leave by my ________ (nurse, mom, dad, whomever you'd like to be the bad guy)" And stick to it! I recommend setting clear boundaries with your baby now so that boyfriend's mom doesn't walk all over you.

I can't help you with the baby shower thing, but when it comes to delivery and visitors, it's completely up to you. And the doctors will listen to you. Not to them. Who cares if they get upset? They'll get over it. I'm only having my Fiancé and my sister with me. None of my or my boyfriends family is allowed near me until I feel like I can handle them.

Wow, the baby shower thing is weird! It should be about you and the baby, not your BFs family and preferences. I would have said my sister already picked this date, so you'll have to choose another one as I'm already committed for that date. I plan changing in your end. If hey want to do a shower without you... umm, I think that's just a party, not a baby shower.

I don't know your relationship with tour boyfriend or his family. But talk to him, if you can. He should be on your side, and supportive of how you are feeling and what you are needing. And he needs to know that with babies, plans change. You say you don't want visitors for the first few hours- you may be okay and people sooner, or you may be exhausted and push them out until the next day.

As previous posters have said, the hospital and staff will follow YOUR instructions. When my son was born, they have me 2 different forms. The first was while I was in labor who was allowed to see me. And the second was when I was in recovery who was NOT allowed to see me. The 2nd form allowed me to keep my same list of people who could see me, and everyone else was a call for permission. But that was MY choice. This time around, I already had the hard conversation with my husband about who was going to the hospital and when. He knows, and did not argue. My mom and sister will be in the hospital (not my room) for the birth. His parents will be called when I feel up to having visitors. My family is focused on me- what can they bring hubby to eat, what do I need to feel comfortable, hand the baby to me so I don't strain. His mom is controlling and all about her- won't leave for me to nurse, will not give the baby back, will try to bring friends with her. It's tough- but have the conversations about expectations early. If people eat mad, fine. Better them than you. This is your birth story, don't let anyone change the characters in your story :)

It's selfish to want only your family....mom dad sister neighbor to be there following birth. This is his child as well. He should be able to have some family there also. Compromise!!!! Yes, reluctantly you said his mom's household could come which is a good compromise but my goodness you don't have to be so selfish about it. They don't have to go in right away, give you time with your child first.

No I completely disagree. Having people who you are uncomfortable with in the labor and delivery room can stall or even halt your labor. Also, in the first few hours when you are bonding with the baby, it important to not be anxious because the baby will pick up on it and become anxious himself, again hindering the bonding and breastfeeding process. The family can respect this privacy with your baby and wait a day or two for you to rest and recovery before they come see the baby.

she was expressing she didn't want them to start inviting family she didn't know i think it's fine she only wants the household family there after the birth. it is his kid too but he isn't the one to push it out of him and have to deal with all the emotions and getting used to your body after giving birth. she doesn't need extra stress of extra people there besides family

I would honestly say no visitors except family and your close friends in the hospital period. Friends can come visit when you set up a time at home once you've settled in a little bit. Honestly having a boob out and bleeding/pain is not fun and a bunch of people you don't know WILL make you uncomfortable with the baby you just grew for 10 months. And breastfeeding is very stressful at first trying to figure it out! This is not about anyone else but you and the baby. Better to be firm now than have a million visitors at your expense.

As far as the baby shower goes I would be upset too. It's like they don't even need you to be there so I would speak up and maybe not go since you're obviously just the "carrier" of the baby and nothing else to them.

Do what you want. I know for myself I tend to be a people pleaser her but in the end it only leaves me feeling hurt because I didn't do what I wanted to do. Everybody else moves on and I'm left feeling hurt and disappointed. For my first baby I wanted my husband and my mom in the delivery room. Right in the middle of pushing my (legs wide open and everything) mother-in-law walked in and said to my mom please can I come in it's my first grandchild and you have so many so my mom agreed and she left in that moment I was very mad and hurt but at the same time so focused on what I needed to do. I had regrets afterward. I also didn't know that I could tell the nurses exactly who I wanted and who I didn't want in the delivery room I didn't find that out until afterward. It was really awkward because at that time me and my mother-in-law just recently started talking again after a really bad relationship. Now we have a wonderful relationship. My last baby I had my husband and my mother in the room. I'm pregnant again, idk who I'm going to have in there besides my husband seeing how my mom is sick and pretty much stuck in her bed with nerve problems and can't walk or stand too long.

It is def NOT selfish to have whoever you want in the delivery room. It's your privacy. If you don't want your boyfriends family (and that's a long list of people!) in there, then don't. The BF's mom can invite the world when her daughter has a baby. But this is your time. If you and your boyfriend are staying together then it's a family bonding experience for you two. (I wasn't sure since you said the baby won't be staying with him at his place until 12-14 weeks.)

Anyways, the shower part is weird too. If your sister has been planning one for weeks, go to that and don't feel bad about missing the boyfriend's mom's shower. I don't know why she would've planned it on the same day. That's really rude of her.

And for the record, I don't like character over load clothes/baby gear either :)

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