frozen balls,Ryan Seacrust, and other random gym stories

This was not a good morning to shower at the gym. Not good at all. There was a sign posted in the men’s locker room which read thusly:

NO HOT WATER IN SHOWERS.SORRY.

WE ARE WORKING ON IT AS WE SPEAK.

Do you know how cold the water was this morning? Fucking cold, that’s what.

Uh.. “We are working on it as we speak” ?? What the fuck does that mean? You’re not speaking, you’re writing. Whatever. I wonder if Magic Johnson had to take a cold shower. I’ll bet heads rolled over that one, I do.

There was a total freak at the gym last nght. I couldn’t stop watching him. Every few feet or so he’d stop whatever he was doing and perform a light little bounce step and shuffle. Even in the middle of a set, he’d stop himself, spring up and bounce and caper about a bit, then resume his set.

So much energy. So few brain cells.

I heard the greatest asshole celebrity story yesterday. The__________ Airlines rep was in the office yesterday, and she was telling about a recent encounter with Miss Ryan Seacrest which occured last week. My _________ Airline rep, ___________ is a feisty little thing, very dry sense of humor and very quick on her feet. It served her well last week when Ms Seacrest approached the _________ Airlines counter at LAX, loudly demanding a first class upgrade on his coach class seat. Did the gentleman have a _________ Airlines frequent flyer number or upgrade status? No, he fumed. He did not.

Well, then did the gentleman wish to PURCHASE (like any other passenger) an upgrade to first class?

The bitch made a huge stink at that point,because he felt he deserved a FREE UPGRADE, just because he was himself a fabulous celebrity. So my very cool friend _______ was called up to deal with him. She’s had experience with overstuffed delusional psuedo celebs and knew just how to handle him.

“Sir, unless you have accumulated frequent flyer miles, or applicable upgrade coupons,you are not eligible for a free upgrade. I’m awfully sorry. At this point, Seacrest actually pointed to himself with both hands and shrieked “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?” She replied, cool as ice, “Yes sir. you are….(glances down at his eticket coupon) Misterrr….Ryan Seacrest. Correct? “Havent you ever heard of “American Idol”? he SPAT. Smiling widely (she reinacted it for us), she said sweetly “I’m not sure, isn’t it a Television show of some kind”? He almost exploded “I’m going to talk to people about this, and you’ll be sorry!” he screamed, and stormed off.

God, I dream of being able to piss an asslebrity off like that. What a megadouch.

I really wish this was caught on tape. This guy makes a living from exposing wannabe celebs having a hissy fit when they find out from the judges that they are not all that. The hypocrisy here is just unbelievable. Would be poetic justice to see his shit fit posted all over the web for everyone’s entertainment.

It’s the flash in the pan B list celebs that make scenes. In my history I have had to deal with all levels and let me tell you, the legendary A listers are much easier to deal with because they KNOW that you KNOW who they are, so the whole ‘I have something to prove’ ego thing isn’t even in the mix.
One of my ex’s was an x-ray tech and he had to work on celebs all the time. His favorite was La Liz herself because she knew he was only doing his job and never complained, even when the procedure was a bit painful.

Years ago, when I was a waitron at a local restaurant, I had a 15 Minutes of Fame celebrity actually those words, “Do you know who I am?” and I said, “Yes. And I don’t care.” Then I walked back to the kitchen took his desert spoon and ran it up the crack of my ass before giving it to him so he could finish his meal.

Everyone is an asshole, starting with me. Our American culture has brainwashed us into thinking that we are special, hence the reason we consume 70% of the globes resources and why the rest of the world hates us.
As for me, I am hoping for the most ultimate kick ass depression like no one has ever seen.One where we are fighting over leaves in the front yard. That will reset the thermostat on our egos and make us a wee bit more appreciative.

Mr Seacrest needs to go on a combat tour with a plattoon of Marines. He’ll learn how to share and make nice with others real quick.