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04 April 2012

leaving without saying goodbye.

I like to say my g_d has a sense of humor. A notoriously tricky one, I dare say. Not exactly sinister, but definingly dry and definitively abrupt, like the person who pulls a tablecloth out from under the table settings, practiced or not, at the art of subtlety, grace or confidence.

Some friends of mine and I like to say, "sometimes g_d is doing for me what I can not do for myself."

Sometimes you're the tablecloth and sometimes you're the hands and sometimes you're the grip and sometimes you're the smile about to break and sometimes you're the dishes that tremor but do not shatter and sometimes you're the surprise and sometimes you are the glass that cracks but does not fall and sometimes you're the idea to do such a thing at all and sometimes you're taken by complete surprise.

Challenges will always arise. It's how we react, rise, reach to/with/into them that transforms us.

I'm not saying these tricks don't ambush. We navigate as best we can with tools we continue to sharpen or wish we did not own or wish we did.

Strangely I feel grateful for having once experienced a grief so great, so large, so dark that I came to know its attributes, its tides, and can now, sometimes gracefully, sometimes awkwardly, stand in it's course and let it wash over/pass through me, understanding that hope, that light-a comprehension of the incomprehensible; an untangling of confusion and answerless questions, is possible and not out of reach.

One day at a time.

For all loss is loss, no matter it's timing, no matter its reasons, no matter its warnings.

If we are interested in re-defining success we must also define failure differently. If we are interested in re-defining success, we must discontinue to draw ink lines where permeable ones would delineate more accurately.

The snake swallows its tail. There are no endings, only beginnings. Success is not virgin birth.

I proceed, as Peels recedes. I am proud of all I conceived, built, produced, organized, systemized, learned, celebrated, conjured, inspired, taught, realized.I built a bakery. Whether the owners/investors re-shape or remove it, or do what they need to do to insure the space makes them the monies they need to reconcile their bottom line, I remain proud of that which I bore from nothing more than a hope, a wish, desire, a love of baking so strong I have no words to describe it. On the day before the first day of Spring, the owners and I bid farewell, shook hands and thanked each other for the opportunities we gave and received. More than anything I'm happy for what they gave me. Wood and linen. Staples. A canvas to stretch on my own. Freedom & belief.

Be not sad for me. The life-force of a restaurant is the same as a person-it adds, expands, subtracts, grows and shifts; feathers shed; wings are clipped and grow back again; going for as long as it goes, rarely staying the same, or wanting to! The bottom line of a spreadsheet is the outcome of a list of percentages that are ingredients: a recipe for a healthy enterprise-one which not only feeds, but nourishes.

Wondering what's next? I've had some ideas on the side, shelved, proofing in the oven, on hold, hibernating, waiting, restless. I've been placating them with excuses for a long time now. "Not now, I'm opening a restaurant." "Not yet, I'm hiring a team." "Soon, I promise."

Remember how I said my g_d has a dastardly sense of humor? G_d is nudging me to keep my promise...

Thank you a zillion times thank you to everyone who came in brought friends & family & introduced yourself & ate & tasted & worked & staged with me and for Peels pastry department & everyone who allowed me to make your birthday cake & wedding cakes/pies & photographed & wrote about what I was doing & interviewed & surprised me & gave me critical feedback & made suggestions & put me on the radio & tv & took notice of what my bakery was trying to achieve & came to the Ice Cream Social & ordered your Thanksgiving pies from us & I really do hope to see and feed you all again wherever I land with my whisk and Baby Offset Spatula next. I won't soon forget you, {as I hope you won't, me} Your support has meant so much to me and that which I am attempting to speak through my baking.

Shuna, I read this post breathless and a little terrified, and still hanging on some of those beautiful words, having to go back and repeat the flow of two perfectly nestled sentences despite my rush. Your writing here is deep inside and perfectly ripe. I'm thinking and hoping that we both know what that means. Much love, dear friend.

Poignant. I've shared similar experiences in my Culinary journey. I value my self-respect before others. I've sweated with the best of them; poured my blood onto their misery. It's Thankless. We do what we do because we love. Both, what we do,and who we do it for. The passion is in the blood. You cannot be what you are without BEING who YOU ARE. Let the others whom may mock us ponder why. I've no time to manage the faults of others. The countless failings of so many over 35 years of hard labor. I've learned from them.....alot. But mostly I've learned "What not to do; when (and if God willing) I have the chance to do it for myself. I will not BE that person. I will go home each nite and feel proud of what I accomplished-BE able to look myself in the mirror and FEEL like I was successful-no matter what obstacles I had encountered that day. Emeril has his 'essence'--I have mine. It seems you have yours as well.
Be Well, Chef.

Change is in the collective air. My inspiration will most likely move to another city to get back to cooking. He has been baking, trying to learn the craft. when I feel tired and uninspired I visit him in a dark alley during his break at 5 in the morning and talk about cooking and baking. He is my baking Muse. what will I do without him? The love of my life, my husband, is also going through change. his job might come to an end. Its hard to watch and I secretly thank my lucky stars that we aren't going through it at the same time. My chefs wife, and the list goes on... all I can do is hide in cake batter and watch as it hopefully passes me by knowing that it will return...for me! no escaping the new adventure.

I deep heart understand this post. Just went through the same ordeal twice with restaurants with no funding. It's painful, but at the end of the day you gotta be proud (and you are) of what you accomplished as a mentor and chef to your team and for creating outstanding experiences day after day after day for customers. I hope to see you on the West Coast?!? For a visit?

Shuna,
I have every confidence you'll land on your feet; your passion and obvious talent will see you to better things, hopefully with business associates that are more like-minded.
Like the phoenix, you will rise from the ashes...hey, that's not a bad name for a bakery!

What smart and sensitive thoughts about change! We loved all we tasted and enjoyed and shared of your gorgeous work at Peels, and look forward to seeing and enjoying and sharing your next stage of pastry and writing and photo creativity!!! You're brilliant, and you spread joy!!! THANKS!!!! xoxo

I just discovered your blog, and as an aspiring cook/baker & food writer that is a fellow member of "the orange juice club" (as of a year in July!)... you're incredibly inspiring. Your culinary CV is so impressive and your words contain culinary wisdom and the wisdom of the new way of life that saved mine. I never thought I'd be able to do anything with my life, never be able to follow my passion and enter the culinary world. I'm starting a little late and am self-taught, having given a large portion of my life to other "pursuits", but I finally have hope that I can build a life around my passions now. You really are an inspiration, and I can't wait to see where life takes you. On it's own terms, naturally.