We can’t take it anymore,’ so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We’re facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.” –David Letterman

“President Obama is in town today. He’s visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he’s visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that’s a different story.” –David Letterman

“Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She’s a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever’s there.” –Conan O’Brien

“Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it’s bad when even Facebook thinks it’s time for you to get a job.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It’s called Facebook.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama’s major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men.” –Jimmy Fallon

“During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he’s actually one of the guys who signed it.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It’ll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job. It’s the circle of life.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, ‘Will coach for food.'” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.” –Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it.” –Jay Leno

The economy is so bad James Bond switches from Heineken to Colt 45. That’s how bad it’s gotten. –Jay Leno

The economy is so bad Paula Broadwell is now being forced to sleep with only three star generals. –Jay Leno

“A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying ‘step off or I will cut a bi-atch.’ And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn’t just a love triangle, folks. It’s a love pentagon.” –Stephen Colbert