20.12.05

'Sorry' Unseated as Hardest Word to Say

by Joy X. Noel

Sorry's long reign as the hardest word to utter has finally come to an end. The usurper? Christmas. Long considered the most difficult two-syllable utterance in the English language, Sorry is now no more difficult to express than "f*ck you," and "a*shole" or no more humbling than "I voted for Bush."

"I don't know what the hell happened," Sorry said. "Christmas just came out of nowhere. I mean, it's been around for a few years but now everybody's pussy-footin' around it."

Boston, MA Department of Parks and Recreation officials had a hand in the deposing Sorry by referring to a 48' decorated spruce as a "holiday tree", thus sparking the indignant back-lash of Christians.

"Holiday tree, my ass! That's a f*cking Christmas tree in my book," said Father Seamus O'Toole. "If I ever catch the mother f*cker who decided to call it a "holiday tree" he's going to be sorry he ever met me! We managed to put the kibosh on X-Mas, so don't f*ck with us."

His sentiments aren't alone. Christians nationwide are feeling their "holiday" wrestled from them.

"I was at Target yesterday with a cart full of presents," one distraught Roman Catholic lamented. "I said 'Merry Christmas' and the clerk said 'Happy Holidays,'"

"'What kind of shit is that?' I said. 'Sorry,' was her reply. I left my goods in the checkout aisle."

Store manager Tina Tim remarked "I'm sorry this particular customer was upset, but the Christians have had a foothold on December for some time now. We have lots of Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, agnostics, Wiccans, Hindus, practicers of Santeria and Voo Doo, Zoroastrianists, Shintoists, Confucianists, Jainists, Taoists, Sikhs, Bahá'ísts, Neo-Paganists, Cao Daists, Rastafarians and Scientologists that shop here. We need to respect their beliefs."

One Rastafarian was quoted as saying, "I don' give a sh*t what dey call it, mon. Both parties should light up some spleef, and chill out, mon."

Wiccans disagreed, and have no compunction in taking the Christ out of Christmas.

"Hey, we started this Winter Solstice business," an anonymous local Wiccan stated. "When the Christians pushed their mumbo jumbo on us and burned us at the stake, they didn't say 'sorry' or 'our bad.' That tree idea? That was us. Yule log? Us. Am I sorry they're offended this year? F*ck no." She proceeded to put a hex on Jerry Falwell and Oral Roberts.

As for 'Sorry,' what's next? "I don't know. I'll probably hang out with wife beaters and politicians. They've always had the toughest time with me."

I don't get this whole Happy Holidays thing that's taking over the States. Here it's Christmas. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ. It's a Christian holiday. We call Ramadan, Ramadan and respect the beliefs of those who observe it, we call Chanukkah by it's name and respect those who observe it. Christmas is on a bigger scale but that's because England is a Christian country so we observe Christian holidays as our public holidays. I just don't understand what all the hooha is in the States with regards to religious holidays, they are what they are, call them by their name and get on with life...it's too short!

Ha! Ha! I JUST got into a debate with my Dad today about this very topic! In particular, the "Holiday Tree" that he's always called the Christmas tree. I had to remind him that "Christmas" was formerly a Pagan holiday and what did he care - it's not like he buys into the whole Christ thing anyhow. He sorta shut up after that. *laughs*

I have a set of wooden Christmas blocks as decorations. I arrange them to say things like "Joyeux Noel" or "Merry Christmas". Hubby rearranges them when I'm not looking to say things like "Shitmas" or "Sexy".

What's really strange is, some people have always said Happy Holidays before all this stupidness, and nobody thought a thing about it! There seems to be an urgent conspiracy here about this question brought up by people I don't really trust. You say what you say! No SORRY about it!

This is absurd. A Christmas tree is a Christmas tree. It represents Christmas! Don't take the CHRIST out of Christmas because people are offended; just add a little bit of everyone's holiday to the mix!

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THE REASONS CHRISTIANS ARE CELEBRATING?? It's a birthday party, man! For JC. Can I call it a 'birthday party', or should I just call it a day and celebrate in my own corner of the room.

People need to lighten up. I'm one of the most ecumenical people I know and I don't have a problem with people saying 'Happy Holidays'. I do have a problem with people calling a Christmas tree a Holiday Tree. That's like saying poor people are pissed because they can't afford a Jaguar, so if you have a Jaguar you're going to have to call it a Pinto so as not to offend anyone.

I just wish people wouldn't say anything other than THANK YOU when you go to a store. I don't ever want to hear Merry Christmas again because it isn't my holiday and I don't give a shit about it. My holidays are in the fall, the ones that are important to me, and I hate that people equate Chanukah with Christmas. It's not even close. It's a very minor holiday with little to celebrate other than lighting a candle each night. So I'm so over Christmas, but you can't win. The Christian right is going to make a big deal out of happy holidays because it's yet another way to keep the focus off Iraq and our corrupt white house.

That was the best Prego! I'm sorry, but that was JUST THE BEST! Now happy WHATEVER! I think the Rastafarian's had it right. People just love to get in a huff about just about anything these days. Life's to short! Now I'm going to wrap up my WHATEVER presents and slap around a couple of elves! And come on over. I answered your question. (Merry Christmas!)