Archive for August, 2016

I really feel like we should be able to buy and take anti-anxiety pills like we take Tylenol. As needed.

I’m having an anxious-filled day and can’t seem to come down. Stress from no particular direction.

I do get pre-travel anxiety and I leave on Friday. But I didn’t know I was worried at all about the trip til today. It lit a small fire. I just bought $70 worth of stuff off amazon to hike and travel with. Did I need that stuff?? Uh… probably could’ve figured it out without it. IDK.

I bought individual instant coffee packets JUST IN CASE I can’t get my caffeine fix. Can’t have that caffeine headache on vacation.

HAD to buy a leak proof water bottle, because a normal 16 oz Ozarka water won’t do. Normally I’d just take an empty bottle (or buy one at a convenient store) and just refill it for the weekend. Yeah, I’m super cheap. I like to consider it low maintenance… Anyone buyin’ that?

A new backpack because… I NEED something waterproof. I mean WHAT IF?!?!

I’m not only packing my new hiking sandals that I bought specifically for this trip, but also my closed toe trusty hikers… Okay, maybe that is a smart decision.

I got new sunglasses because… um… I needed to buy a pair that had “athletic” in the title. And especially made for smaller adult faces… because… the ones I wear in the car couldn’t possibly keep up with the me that hikes on the trails.

I stopped myself from buying a huge first aid kit and something to purify water. Seriously, the girls I’m going with probably won’t want to even think about a hike longer than 2 hours. The prissiest adventure tom boys you’ll ever meet. There’s a reason we have been such good friends for so long!

This week I prepped something different. A bit more carbs but not too bad really. I riced up 4 heads of cauliflower and made fried rice. It’s so yummy. Had some for dinner last night. I really enjoy faking myself out on eating starchier things. It’s so so satisfying. LOL. Makes me laugh because it’s so danged typical of a binge eater.

The number on the scale is definitely going slow, but I took my measurements this weekend. I’ve lost over an inch in my hips, 2 at the belly, and over an inch at my waist.

Can’t argue those numbers. I feel great.

I go on vacation this weekend, not sure how I’ll do… Not sure I have much of a plan except I will take plenty of protein bars to be ready with. We are going to go hiking a few days and then spend a few days in the city. So at least it won’t all just be eating. Some sweat too.

I know I’ll be eating out a lot… and that scares me. I know me. I can gain everything I’ve spent 4 weeks losing in 1 week. Sigh. Kind of nervous. But I also want to have fun and not feel like a prude in the calorie department when I’m out with my friends.

Welp, I didn’t hit the numbers I needed this morning on the scale. BUT my clothes are fitting so fantastically it’s hard to be upset about it. I’m giving myself the water retention/muscle weighs more than fat speech when I think about the stupid numbers.

I have equipped myself again this week with meals and quality groceries.

Things to improve upon this week:

Add cardio – in order to feel like doing this I’ll have to enforce a strict bed time. No later than 10pm. My crossfit workouts are feeling so so so good, but I need a bit of something extra. Time to do some HIIT stuff.

100 ounces of water per day. I’m a water gal; this shouldn’t be hard at all.

Say no to alcohol. I haven’t done the best at showing self control during social events. Last week I had 3 nights “out” that I indulged in. Obviously this is not going to help my calorie counting. DUH. Just do it. Gotta stay focused.

It’s a typical Monday (with the added bonus of rain) and I’m just sitting here waiting on the caffeine to hit my veins. I don’t quite feel the gumption of last week, but I still feel very determined. So… lets do week 4. Let’s shake up some numbers on the scale while we’re at it. 🙂

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

Can I keep this up for 13 more weeks???? I’m chugging at full steam and I just hope that the results motivate me to continue.

I love when a Monday rolls around and I feel comfortable in slacks with a button. Doesn’t happen often!

You guys know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.

I have vacation at the end of this month. It’s gonna be a super outdoorsy vacation with some girlfriends from college. They are both very energetic and very in shape. I am in shape. But it sure would be nice to not only hang with them on the trails but also the bars at night!

Usually in a group of girls I resign myself to the wing man… I kind of shift my acceptance of myself to help my sanity and self esteem. Sounds awful right??? Geez. All this negative self talk. I am working on it.

Well, I feel great right now and I can only imagine what 3 more weeks will do! I think this vacation might drive me for a few weeks. Extra drive, that is. 🙂

I have all my food prepped for another week. Prepping food gives me a fighting chance against my emotional hunger. My binges (for some reason) aren’t triggered by having that kind of food in my apartment. Well, I say that. If I have food prepped and separated in tupperware I won’t binge on it. Unlike if I were to just make a big bowl of tuna salad and just spoon out what I want for that meal… at that point seconds happen, then thirds, then… there goes my lunches for the week. Oops. But I’m ready. Lets kick ass another week, shall we!?

I feel great. I always forget how strong I feel in the gym and how slim I feel every where else when I clean up my diet.

So far the week has been way too busy to have time to mess it up or even think about bingeing.

It’s early yet. But I feel GREAT!

Three events have been cancelled this week that would test my self discpline. I’m really really happy about it. While I know I need practice making the right decisions, I’m grateful to get one more week under my belt before relying on self control.

I’ve put up my scale so that I’m not tempted. The numbers on the scale just give me an excuse to crash diet or slack off. So, I’m going to try to keep my weigh ins on Mondays only and stick to my meal plan.

Week 1 went well enough. There were several events that I blew the diet. But I worked out 6 days out of 7. I’m really going to have to learn how to keep my social life and not over do it. It’ll take practice. I’m up for the challenge.

I’m more than prepared for this week. I prepped every meal for the entire week yesterday. Took about 3 and half hours if you include the grocery trip. 1200 calories every day of mostly clean and high quality food. The most I’ll have to do is grill some shrimp for a few dinners to throw in with my spaghetti squash. But that takes no time at all!