Beat my 5/8 score on the “Which Jared Leto is older” quiz. I know you can do it. (Vulture)

The New York Post is (for lack of a better word) “celebrating” the 20th anniversary of River Phoenix’s death. The last line about Johnny Depp does not look good. (Page Six)

The new iPhone fingerprint scan-lock feature apparently works for nipples too. Gross. (Kotaku)

Not from The Onion: A betrothed Essex man reportedly chopped off his testicles and stormed the church where his soon-to-be wedding was scheduled to take place. In the aftermath, his fianceé declared the wedding to be “delayed.” Delayed? (KRMG)

Piers Morgan took to Twitter last night to give Jon Stewart a hard time after The Daily Show lost for the first time in 10 years, saying that Stewart should stop obsessing over how bad CNN is and worry about Jon Oliver taking his job. Really? (Mediatite)

The Minions spinoff has been pushed back to 2015. Perhaps DreamWorks realized they already made that movie and it was titled Despicable Me 2. (Slashfilm)

Hailee Steinfeld has been impossibly tasked with helping Vince Vaughn refashion himself as an action hero. (Film School Rejects)

Since it’s officially autumn, here’s a video of a husky who is doing what all of us should be doing in this time of celebration. Isn’t this the most joyous act you’ve ever seen in your life?

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa. She & her little black heart can be found at celebitchy.com.