Shit To Read Whilst Shitting: A Series

The bathroom is a dirty place. Not just in the
“you-live-with-three-girls-so-there-is-a-troll-head-of-hair-growing-from-the-drain”
kind of way, but also in the “have-sex-hanging-from-the-shower-curtain-rod”
kind of way. Taking both of these
into consideration, I have found the latest inSTALLment of STRWSAS: Sea Oak by
George Saunders.

Now I know what some of you may be thinking: don’t get all
smart and Ivy and literary on me now, Jared. But fret not, loyal readers, I
still pronounce the Z in rendezvous.
This is not your normal high horse, capital L literary experience.
Instead, it takes the dirty-shower-sex feel that your dorm room knows so well
and manifests it when the narrator tells of male strippers, a club called
joysticks, and dicks of all kinds. But, like your roommate’s dirty tampon dangling
by its string from the towel hook, this story too takes a turn for the
grotesque. I shan’t give the twist away, but let’s just say grandma’s off her
rocker and on her supernatural crazy pills.

If you’re one to giggle when your bubbe has an extra glass
of wine at Purimand starts dropping F-Bombs just how her Shalom Retirement
Center Nurse Courtney taught her, then this truly is a tale for you.

On Saturday, March 3rd, Lindsay Lohan debuted her new inflatable face on Saturday Night Live, scaring children, parole officers, and Aaron Samuelsez across this great nation. In equally exciting news, March 3rd brought with it the announcement that President Barack Obama will be speaking at Barnard College, the most prestigious of all female colleges barring Rupaul’s... MORE »

So you’re sitting on the crapper. You’re trying to squeeze out all those Valentine’s Day candies you inhaled while watching BOTH Bridget Jones’ movies. You need a distraction. What better distraction than tales from the hood? Rappers have enticed us for years with stories of “going hard on a ho” and “sticky green” and “bling”.... MORE »

In the realm of all things holy, there is nothing more sacred than in-taking knowledge while excreting yesterday’s John Jay omelets. But when the unlabeled caffeinated (possibly decaffeinated) coffee begins racing down your digestive tract like a decloseted freshman to First Friday, what do you do when you’ve already read that Taylor Swift Cosmo about... MORE »

Anyone with roommates knows the frustration of the A.M. Bathroom Shuffle. That smelly game of musical chairs where you want to take time for your morning ablutions, but you want to avoid the stench of the morning deuce that preceded yours. Sometimes, you lose this game. Sometimes, you have to brave the wild and lawless... MORE »

They say you should shoot for the moon, because if you miss you’ll land among the stars. Clearly whoever said this has no concept of physics. You will obviously just bypass the moon and hurtle into the dark recesses of space until you fizzle into a fried bit of nothing when you pass a burning... MORE »

This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! There are two days left in 2011. I’ve tried my best to sum up the other 363 days. I have sat in front of my computer... MORE »

I’m in class right now. Would I rather be administering an enema to Santa after he ate all his Christmas cookies? Would I rather give Mrs. Claus a brazilian bikini wax? You decide. (Hint: Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes) Enjoy this jingle while you cry into a textbook! MORE »

On Saturday, March 3rd, Lindsay Lohan debuted her new inflatable face on Saturday Night Live, scaring children, parole officers, and Aaron Samuelsez across this great nation. In equally exciting news, March 3rd brought with it the announcement that President Barack Obama will be speaking at Barnard College, the most prestigious of all female colleges barring Rupaul’s... MORE »

MOVEMENT ONE: STEREOTYPES AT GAY SHUL Like a kugel stained Jew at a Catholic Communion, I am no stranger to being the minority. And while I enjoy seeing the paper wafers of the other side, there is nothing like returning to a place where your minority is the majority, a little bungalow I’d like to... MORE »

In the realm of all things holy, there is nothing more sacred than in-taking knowledge while excreting yesterday’s John Jay omelets. But when the unlabeled caffeinated (possibly decaffeinated) coffee begins racing down your digestive tract like a decloseted freshman to First Friday, what do you do when you’ve already read that Taylor Swift Cosmo about... MORE »

There are some things one should expect upon entering Butler Library: books, overpriced brownies, the occasional lesbian librarian, stack elevators covered in green tea and semen. But there is one thing that one would not expect, yet lives and breeds in the library’s halls like Lindsay Lohan’s herpes: the BOdorous stench of the fourth floor.... MORE »