I’ve never read the book Jane Eyre, and I’m betting I never will (I’m still trying to finish the final Harry Potter book). Thankfully, Director Cary Fukunaga has pretty much ensured that I’ll never need to crack open the classic book.

It’s all Ethan Suplee’s fault. Thanks to his character’s laziness, we have Denzel Washington and Chris Pine risking their lives to save a small Pennsylvania town from a speeding, Unstoppable train loaded with deadly chemicals.