I can't take compliments beyond "You look good!" It makes me super self conscious and as if I don't feel like I am uncomfortable enough as it is, it starts to make me feel like running away and hiding.

I notice some ESIs will totally reject a compliment or else give you a 'that's nice of you but that's totally not true' and similar stubbornness. It's infuriating.

I think it might be culture-related. In some countries nearly everyone will react this way, in others it's perceived as weird or even rude. I don't know the background of the ESIs you know, but I wouldn't discard this factor.

I don't know if other ILIs feel like they need to say something nice back. Compliments are totally awkward, in any case. I mean, I like them and then sometimes it's awkward. It's nice when it is unexpected and sincere but when you see it coming and it comes...eh...time to run out of the room quick like. I remember being complimented by an EII friend on a hair cut or something and I felt like I had to say something nice back in a similar vein. She was like, 'just accept the compliment.' Stuck ever since. In a way where I no longer have any clue how to respond except 'thank you.'

Exactly.

Also, making up a really forced compliment makes the other person look/feel as if they were fishing for them in the first place... which may be useful at times but most of the time isn't the best idea, I learned.

I notice some ESIs will totally reject a compliment or else give you a 'that's nice of you but that's totally not true' and similar stubbornness. It's infuriating.

My girlfriend does that sometimes...I react by saying an insult equivalent to the inverse of the compliment, lol. It seems to work. Like "You hair looks great today" "No it really doesn't because bla bla" "Ok you have absolutely horrible hair, why do you never wash it?"

I tend to get "You're brilliant" more than anything else, probably due to my username.

so in other words, you only get that online and not irl?

mostly i only get complimented on my looks or my art, occasionally clothing/accessory-related shit, and i also get those half-compliments a lot about how i'm very bright but don't apply myself. how i take compliments varies depending on who gave it, what it was about, how it was done, etc.

i never respond to compliments on my looks mainly because A) most guys do it in such a way that it doesn't feel like a compliment and B) because its kind of redundant since i didn't choose to look how i do and it would be pretty lame to accept a compliment on something i earn or w/e. the only exception is if the comment was made by someone i feel socially obligated to respond to, like my boss or a family friend or something, in which case i just smile slightly.

if the compliment is on my art i always just thank them politely. compliments on my writing or intellect or w/e i don't really respond at all to, because i find them awkward and often untrue. comments on stupid shit like earrings or clothes or w/e are the easiest, just be like "thanks, dude" and continue doing whatever you were doing.

if i feel a compliment is unnecessary then usually i'll give it right back to them to send the msg. it's pretty rude tbh but whatever lol

maybe a saint is just a dead prick with a good publicist maybe tommorow's statues are insecure without their foes go ask the frog what the scorpion knows

mostly i only get complimented on my looks or my art, occasionally clothing/accessory-related shit, and i also get those half-compliments a lot about how i'm very bright but don't apply myself. how i take compliments varies depending on who gave it, what it was about, how it was done, etc.

i never respond to compliments on my looks mainly because A) most guys do it in such a way that it doesn't feel like a compliment and B) because its kind of redundant since i didn't choose to look how i do and it would be pretty lame to accept a compliment on something i earn or w/e. the only exception is if the comment was made by someone i feel socially obligated to respond to, like my boss or a family friend or something, in which case i just smile slightly.

if the compliment is on my art i always just thank them politely. compliments on my writing or intellect or w/e i don't really respond at all to, because i find them awkward and often untrue. comments on stupid shit like earrings or clothes or w/e are the easiest, just be like "thanks, dude" and continue doing whatever you were doing.

if i feel a compliment is unnecessary then usually i'll give it right back to them to send the msg. it's pretty rude tbh but whatever lol

Being pretty and talented makes you eminently attractive. Cut it with some kindness and good humor will make you divine.

This makes sense in how duality works for me because my dual does not give compliments or praises very often; that works out great for me because I don't need them or want them. I would rather be shown that I am comlimented; kind of like a gentle kiss or a hug, an affirming gesture rather then words.

I believe in huging as often as one can.
I always appreciate it when an S friend/family member takes me shopping and picks out my clothes, that's a form of a compliment to me.

mostly i only get complimented on my looks or my art, occasionally clothing/accessory-related shit, and i also get those half-compliments a lot about how i'm very bright but don't apply myself. how i take compliments varies depending on who gave it, what it was about, how it was done, etc.

i never respond to compliments on my looks mainly because A) most guys do it in such a way that it doesn't feel like a compliment and B) because its kind of redundant since i didn't choose to look how i do and it would be pretty lame to accept a compliment on something i earn or w/e. the only exception is if the comment was made by someone i feel socially obligated to respond to, like my boss or a family friend or something, in which case i just smile slightly.

if the compliment is on my art i always just thank them politely. compliments on my writing or intellect or w/e i don't really respond at all to, because i find them awkward and often untrue. comments on stupid shit like earrings or clothes or w/e are the easiest, just be like "thanks, dude" and continue doing whatever you were doing.

if i feel a compliment is unnecessary then usually i'll give it right back to them to send the msg. it's pretty rude tbh but whatever lol

Being pretty and talented makes you eminently attractive. Cut it with some kindness and good humor will make you divine.

Originally Posted by FDG

Ok then you're ugly and stupid

i feel like i am being tested and! its weirding me out...

oh i just remembered someone i know who's really weird w/ compliments. she's Ti-ISTj and she doesn't handle compliments OR criticism well at all. if you make any comment whatsoever about her art, constructive or not, she will freak the fuck out and get paranoid like you're insulting her (except when i do it, but i guess that's because we're friends). if someone compliments her (besides me, again) she tends to be like "thanks" but then privately to me she's either roll her eyes, make a weirded-out expression that conveys "why is this person speaking to me??" or she'll think the person is obsessed and/or kissing up. idk why she has such strong reactions though lol

maybe a saint is just a dead prick with a good publicist maybe tommorow's statues are insecure without their foes go ask the frog what the scorpion knows

I notice some ESIs will totally reject a compliment or else give you a 'that's nice of you but that's totally not true' and similar stubbornness. It's infuriating.

Ha this is me. I don't take compliments well unless I agree with what you are saying. If I agree with you on the compliment I will just politely smile and say thanks or something like that. I noticed my SEE friend also doesn't take compliments well and gets mostly quiet. He sure likes to give them out though. Too much imo. I don't like to give out compliments too often because I like for them to be realistic and meaningful. If you say nice things to me and other people all the time I just see you as someone trying to win people over and the things you say have less meaning to me.

“No psychologist should pretend to understand what he does not understand... Only fools and charlatans know everything and understand nothing.” -Anton Chekhov

I was uncomfortable receiving compliments until I mastered the response "Thanks," meaning, "I'm glad you like something about me. Let's change the subject." I usually compliment people on stuff like good taste in jewelry or being adept at elbow bending.

I was uncomfortable receiving compliments until I mastered the response "Thanks," meaning, "I'm glad you like something about me. Let's change the subject." I usually compliment people on stuff like good taste in jewelry or being adept at elbow bending.

Adept at elbow bending?

For myself, I think it depends on the compliment and how it's given. I'm usually rather uncomfortable with compliments on my looks. It's sometimes nice in a way (I don't want to be repulsive, after all), but... it's just awkward to me and I can get very embarrassed. I especially don't like it when a big deal is made of my looks, like if it's said loudly.

Compliments on my thinking or how I do something are better, but still sometimes awkward.

The best compliments are when someone finds use or helpfulness from something I've said or done.

INFj / EII / FiNe
()

"Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." - G.K. Chesterton

oh i just remembered someone i know who's really weird w/ compliments. she's Ti-ISTj and she doesn't handle compliments OR criticism well at all. if you make any comment whatsoever about her art, constructive or not, she will freak the fuck out and get paranoid like you're insulting her (except when i do it, but i guess that's because we're friends). if someone compliments her (besides me, again) she tends to be like "thanks" but then privately to me she's either roll her eyes, make a weirded-out expression that conveys "why is this person speaking to me??" or she'll think the person is obsessed and/or kissing up. idk why she has such strong reactions though lol

yeah, otherwise you'd like positive/negative appraisals. I suppose it's a kind of independence.

I don't know why I feel that way. My parents were school teachers, and they'd gotten tons of inservice work on the self-esteem movement that started in the early 70s (when I was a baby). That was about continually praising your kids. A lot of people still do it. "Good job! Good sitting!" Etc. It just made me feel like I was constantly being judged, and made me uncomfortable with all appraisal still.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

I don't know why I feel that way. My parents were school teachers, and they'd gotten tons of inservice work on the self-esteem movement that started in the early 70s (when I was a baby). That was about continually praising your kids. A lot of people still do it. "Good job! Good sitting!" Etc. It just made me feel like I was constantly being judged, and made me uncomfortable with all appraisal still.

Yeah, I hate that fake shit too. For me I like feeling more of a "connection" with people, and just giving blanket statements like that isn't really connecting. It's just acknowledging. And fuck that shit.

What if someone compliments you on something that you'd never really thought about or thought of. Like a little off base.? Kind of sincere.

Yeah I guess now that you put it that way, i would respond positively to that. I just immediately thought of that other kind of praise. I guess a genuine heart-felt compliment I like, but praise, not so much.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

I am surpassingly bad at taking compliments. I normally respond to a compliment with a thank you followed by a comment on how I actually don't deserve the compliment, or how I do something related poorly, etc.

I think I think about compliments as inherently hierarchical, and so in order to prevent myself from feeling like I went up in the hierarchy and to prevent the other person from thinking the same, I make a, "oh, no, I'm not really that good" gesture. It's like a reaction-formation. I know I could be super bigheaded (and I am, on the inside), so I work to act/be humble, but to an unnecessary (probably) extreme.

I was sitting next to this NT guy awhile ago.. and he looks into my eyes intently and says "you have these black rings around your eyes." So I said "eh.. I'm a bit tired I guess.." And he says "no, I mean around the eyes themselves."
"Oh - is it mascara?"
"No - around your irises!"
"Um.. perhaps it's a liver thing or something.."
"Well keep up the drinking!"
"Ohhh.. You're trying to compliment me? :-p"
"Yes!"

I was sitting next to this NT guy awhile ago.. and he looks into my eyes intently and says "you have these black rings around your eyes." So I said "eh.. I'm a bit tired I guess.." And he says "no, I mean around the eyes themselves."
"Oh - is it mascara?"
"No - around your irises!"
"Um.. perhaps it's a liver thing or something.."
"Well keep up the drinking!"
"Ohhh.. You're trying to compliment me? :-p"
"Yes!"

I personally love compliments, they make me feel soooooo good inside, but when I get one, I look down like I don't deserve it. Personally, I find it a little embarrassing when I am complimented outright in front of people. so I look down and be humble and say "Thank you" quietly.

My ILI friend hates them for reasons unknown. She "doesn't know what to say".

There's an interesting study in the psychology lit on appraising children in the classroom.
Two groups of kids:
One group were told by teachers 'You're so smart!' when they did something well
The other group were told 'You must have worked really hard!' for the same

Guess which group got better grades, became better-adjusted, satisfied, and content with school?

Group B.

The differentiation between the two kinds of appraisal-as-reward, as described by the psych professor who devised this experiment, was between Results-focused appraisal vs Process-focused appraisal.
I'm not sure i agree with this interpretation personally - i'd say the difference is more like ability vs effort - but it's certainly an interesting study...

There's an interesting study in the psychology lit on appraising children in the classroom.
Two groups of kids:
One group were told by teachers 'You're so smart!' when they did something well
The other group were told 'You must have worked really hard!' for the same

Guess which group got better grades, became better-adjusted, satisfied, and content with school?

Group B.

The differentiation between the two kinds of appraisal-as-reward, as described by the psych professor who devised this experiment, was between Results-focused appraisal vs Process-focused appraisal.
I'm not sure i agree with this interpretation personally - i'd say the difference is more like ability vs effort - but it's certainly an interesting study...

there was an article in the New York Times awhile back about this sort of thing. And I definitely agree that students should be praised for the effort over their end result. Because what happens is that you have these really smart kids who can get perfect grades without even trying and everyone's telling them how great they are when they didn't do a thing. So once they hit an area in life where they actually have to WORK they're confused, upset, pissy. "why isn't this easy for me?" and this attitude that if they're so smart they should be able to do anything and that the world somehow owes them something. Whereas if you praise a child for their effort, they learn that the most important thing is to do their best and put in a lot of hard work.