A blog about self discovery and everything in between.

It was the day that we all thought would ever come. *Cue suspenseful music *THE LAST DAY OF PROGRAM! YES!!!!!!!! (I am doing the Dance of Joy in my head.)

But all kidding aside, it was a strain, trying to drag myself into that place. Overall, I made it through.

Speaking of making it through, my Youth Council students did a tremendous job with the Middle School Blues skit. I think the kids enjoyed themselves despite being nervous to perform on stage. I was nervous for them and for myself. Since I was in a position to prove to my boss that I can do good work. I just need to be comfortable in my own space and work with kids I know I comfortable working with.

When it is a large group of kids, things tend to get out of hand and I spend more time trying to reprimand than doing my lesson.

Despite the anxiety, the End of the Year show was really good!

Step, dance, and drama really brought their A-game that day. It seems so long ago now, even though it was 15 days ago. (I guess that is long, isn’t?)

I wish I could say that I am going to relax, but I will be working summer camp this year. That means meeting brand new kids, staff and of course having fun.

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There’s a couple of events that happened and the funny thing is, the month isn’t even over yet.

After an 8 year hiatus, I attended the AnimeNEXT convention in Atlantic City on June 9-11. I was a member of the con safety team. It was a new venue for me, since the last place was in Somerset. Within the last year, the convention decided to move to AC, because of spacing issues. But it was so surreal being back as a staff member, especially because most of the people that I had started my convention journey with had since moved on.

Part of the reason, I was being told it was a bad idea going was because of that very same fact. There were a lot of changes since my departure and I wasn’t really sure what the hell I was walking myself into.

But I didn’t care. I just wanted to get away for a few days and see what changes had been made. This time around, I got to do things that I hadn’t had the opportunity to do for the four years that I was staff all those years ago. So, that was a new thing for me. I really and truly enjoyed myself. And to top it off, I met a pretty awesome room mate, Kels.

We talked a lot and found out things about each other, which is weird for me because I just don’t open up to anyone. She is from Pennsylvania, and she enjoys collecting things.

And speaking about collecting things, I managed to get a few things while off duty at the con. I snagged hubby a Decepticons t-shirt and I bought a chain, a $20 grab bag and something called Pejoy (it’s like Pocky, but not really like it). Plus, the many pictures and videos that I took over that weekend was amazing!!! Finally, I got some complimentary slippers from the Sheraton Hotel. They really hooked me up with everything I asked for.

The only downside to the trip, was not planning accordingly. On the day of my leaving, I hadn’t figured out an easier way for me to get the tickets for the NJ Transit bus, because I couldn’t figure out what gate the bus was departing from. In addition, I ended up trekking many blocks to the convention center because I didn’t plan the right way.

Hopefully, if there is a next time. I would be able to plan ahead of time and be more mindful of time.

(To view the photos that I took at the convention, please click on the gallery tab.)

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Sorry that I haven’t been around. Between work and my personal life, I have been quite busy.

Even I haven’t had the time or the energy to write a story. That has been rather disappointing, but I am writing to you now. So that’s a good thing. Speaking of good things, I have been working with my students in Youth Council and they are performing a skit for the End of Year show at school. They are excited and so am I.

Speaking of good things, I have been working with my students in Youth Council and they are performing a skit for the End of Year show at school. They are excited and so am I. The skit ia about a young girl who gets bullied and they reach a resolution.

The skit isn’t that long however, it does take time trying to get the kids in their right places and changing the props for the scenes. But it is all fun nonetheless.

In other news, I will be working at summer camp this year, but I won’t be going back to the previous organization, as I wanted to. So, my work for me. As for what is going to happen in the fall…it’s too soon to tell if I am returning to work at my current job or working somewhere else.

Aside from that not much has changed. I haven’t done much apartment hunting because I spent the money for the apartment, so now I have to start all over again. 😦

Well, that’s all for now. ‘Til we meet again.

~S~

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It has been a few weeks since the last post. I have officially moved out of the apartment as of April 9th. I have been living with my boyfriend for the past couple of weeks. In that time, I have been applying for housing, but was denied because apparently I didn’t fit the criteria. I was upset because I am trying to get housing for myself and because I don’t have a child or in a bad relationship, or 65 years of age and on disability, according to the New York City Housing Authority, I am not good enough to have an apartment.

This irks me, because I don’t know how else am I suppose to find a place to live. With limited funds and monthly bills that need to be paid, I am finding things increasingly difficult to deal with. I work every day and still can’t make enough money to afford a place, but it doesn’t matter because my situation isn’t dire enough for them to consider me.

I don’t know what is going to happen, but I am still trying to apply for housing lotteries that fit my income range and I am going to contact housing to see if I can at least get something within the year.

I was hoping that things would change sooner rather than later, but I know things like that this take time. Heck, if I waited this long to get things sorted out, what’s a few more months? UGH.

~S~

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In my previous post, I was feeling like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I was facing losing my apartment and not knowing where to go. To make it worse, I didn’t have money for the move. As of today, I still have to find a new place to live, but money has slowly coming in which can help me get said apartment.

So, I don’t feel as much as a loser as before. I need to stay positive right now because doing anything but will just cause me to become depressed again.

I don’t like being depressed, but it was something that had become so familiar that it was becoming to be worn like a blanket. However, with this slight change I am feeling optimistic. Change? Optimism? Who are you and what have you done with the real S?

I am as pessimistic as they come. I rarely look on the bright side of things because I like to see the negatives first and deal with them accordingly. Then the bright side can rear it’s pretty little head.

But yes! I am trying to do my best and be happy amidst the darkness. Change is good and should be embraced more and that is what I am planning on doing.

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I have been feeling a little down lately. My birthday was a few weeks ago, that was when my bought of sadness began. Now that I am 35, I have been feeling like I haven’t done much with my life. However, I know this isn’t true, but I just can’t shake this feeling. It feels like I have no sense of purpose and I am just walking through life aimlessly. I am just traveling on this path that seems that I am destined to stay on, but not for the better.

Things at my job aren’t going so great either and I feel like I want to quit. To make matters worse, I have to look for another place to live. The landlord wants to renovate the house and there is no possible way for me to stay there. I don’t have enough money to put my things away in storage and no money to for a new place. I feel stuck right now.

It feels like everything is closing in on me and I can’t escape it!

Only a few people know about this situation, while others I can’t turned to because they have their own problems that they are dealing with, or just don’t care enough to assist. Or the ones that don’t bother to keep in touch enough, so they don’t know what I am going through.

But I am not mad at them, that’s just the way how life is. You learn who you can trust and not to trust.

As of right now, it is uncertain if I can even continue working at my job because it is part time. However, I am willing to hang in there for as long as I can until I am able to be in better financial situation. But I will keep you posted as much as I can.

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If you ever been in a relationship you would come to understand that there are highs and lows. Oftentimes, these two things can be what makes or breaks a relationship.

My high point in my relationship with my boyfriend, Richard, was when we first got together. We were noobs. We both hadn’t been in a relationship in a few years (he five years and me four years). Richard confessed to me that he had had feelings for me for some time. That he had lied when he said that he had feeling for a friend of mine. I didn’t take this bit of news well. I thought he was lying. I was still in a state of shock because I hadn’t seen the signs that were there.

Fast forward 12+ years later, Richard and I are still together.

Love is a two-way street:

Even though this is a title to a song, there is so much truth in this phrase. In relationships, you often hear that it is the guy who is making all the mistakes and the woman is the one who is suffering. However, I am here to tell you that isn’t always the case. I am proof of that.

Since we have been together, Richard has been the one to really go above and beyond in the relationship. He makes sure that I have a meal when I come over, that I am taking medicine when I am sick. He is there when I bitch and moan about the goings on at work. (Like really, I do complain about work often.) I, on the other hand, have been greedy and a tad bit selfish. I sometimes tune out when he talks, I forget or don’t take in account what he likes for his birthday/Christmas. I can never seem to come up with an idea for what I want to do together.

But I will tell you this, as bad as I am…I do love the hell out of him. Not for what he can give me. I am not a materialistic woman. I love him because he hasn’t given up on me. And trust me there were plenty of times when he should have.

For me, I haven’t gotten used to the idea that he loves me. The trust that we are supposed to have in each other is one-sided. I can’t accept us. I don’t why I feel this way, but something about us being together scares the crap out of me! Yikes!…

The problems that occur in our relationship or any relationship is the break down of communication. If both parties aren’t talking to each other and letting the other know what is going on, then yeah. The relationship sours. You both have to put in your fair share to make it work.

Crossroads:

Now, we’re at this point in the road where we don’t know where to go. I know where I want to be with Richard and I’m pretty sure I know where he wants to be. But how do we get there?

It seems like every time we have a talk about us, more feelings get revealed and it is mind blowing. Our path, our road that we want to travel is bumpy because I am unsure if we can work. Or work the way he wants it to work. (if that makes any sense at all.)

It is just a lot of things that need to be sorted out. I don’t care as long as it takes, but I need to figure out what it is that I want and make it happen.

Have you been in a relationship and don’t know where it is going? All comments and advice are much appreciated.