Damnit! Earth

Headline! We're all stuck on the same planet and we're all aparently out of our fucking minds.
Read each days top headlines from across the world with a commentery by A Mad Man.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Sources: Al Qaeda's No. 3 man killed

Being the #3 guy in al-qaeda sucks. They're like the black guys in the horror movies.

A senior al Qaeda terrorist who allegedly plotted and carried out attacks against U.S. and coalition forces was killed in Pakistan, a knowledgeable Western official and a military source told CNN Thursday.

Bye-bye then.

He was identified as Abu Laith al-Libi, 41, who was on the military's most wanted list.

Better get the red pen cause he's off the list now.

Al-Libi was thought to have been involved in the February 2007 bombing at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan while Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting.

One of these days it would be nice if it were bin Laden or Zawahiri on the other end of one of these missiles. We seem to be killing the al-qaeda equivilant of the fucking mail room guy over and over again.

Genetic mutation makes those brown eyes blue

People with blue eyes have a single, common ancestor, according to new research.

Does this mean she's inbreed? Both her parents have blue eyes.

A team of scientists has tracked down a genetic mutation that leads to blue eyes. The mutation occurred between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, so before then, there were no blue eyes.

I have brown eyes. I'm normal. I've been trying my whole life to explain that to people.

"Originally, we all had brown eyes," said Hans Eiberg from the Department of Cellular and Molecular Medicine at the University of Copenhagen.

Well as far as mutations go this one is alright with me. I love my girlfriend's blue eyes. So very pretty. I wonder if they know anything about a third testicle. Not saying I have a third testicle, just saying I've heard...well...I have a friend who...my parents are related aren't they.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Pilot restrained after 'talking to God' on flight to Heathrow

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I just want you to sit back, relax and enjoy the flight. I have the Lord in my right pocket, a Unicorn in my left and soon a gnome will be getting you your drinks. I'm a Leprechaun! I'm a Leprechaun!"

The co-pilot of a Heathrow-bound passenger flight had to be dragged from the cockpit and handcuffed after suffering an apparent mental breakdown in mid-air, it emerged yesterday.

And that's when I panic. Yup, panic away I think.

Passengers on the Air Canada flight from Toronto to London said the co-pilot was restrained after yelling and "invoking God" while at the controls of the Boeing 767 plane more than 30,000 feet above the Atlantic.

I think if I heard the pilot yelling for God in the cockpit of the plane I would start crying. Yes, and doing very unpleasant things in my pants.

The flight was forced to make an emergency diversion to Ireland's Shannon airport early on Monday and the unnamed crew member was taken to a nearby psychiatric unit.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will be making a quick stop in Ireland. We need to drop the co-pilot off at the looney bin cause he's going ape-shit in here."

Sean Finucane, one of 146 passengers on board, said the co-pilot was carried into the cabin with his hands and ankles cuffed after he was restrained by cabin crew and a passenger, reported to be an off-duty Canadian soldier.

"Umm, excuse me stewardess? Is everything...alright?"

The crew member was then handcuffed to a seat as his captain requested permission to land from Irish air traffic authorities. "He was very, very distraught. He was yelling loudly," Finucane told Canadian broadcaster CBC. "His voice was clear, he didn't sound like he was drunk or anything, but he was swearing and asking for God. He specifically said he wants to talk to God."

Woman Put Grandson In Dog Crate

A Washington County woman is accused of locking her 10-year-old grandson in a feces-filled dog crate for about 90 minutes.

That's a long time to be in time-out.

Police said 51-year-old Rhonda Lehman, of Washington, put the boy in the crate Saturday because the boy laced the family's drinks with lamp oil and household cleaner called "Bam."

Whoa, so how are you supposed to punish a child for attempting to kill the family? She would have been arrested for beating the shit out of him too. Somehow sending him to bed without dinner just doesn't fit the crime here. You have to get inventive when a child attempts homicide.

Lehman has custody of the boy, who told police he did it because "he was angry because he didn't get to go on a trip" last year, said Washington police Officer James Markley. It is possible the boy had been spiking the drinks for a while, authorities said. Family members became sick, but were not hospitalized.

If my daughter spiked my drink with household cleaners she would be lucky to only wind up in a dog crate for an hour and a half.

Police said Lehman also told a county agency if someone didn't come for the boy, she would bury him alive in the back yard.

Nope, now that is just crazy.

Lehman was charged with child endangerment and making terroristic threats.

Where's the "people endangerment" charge for the little shit though. I'm not condoning the actions of the grandmother but in this day and age, with the taboo-ness of physically disciplining your children, how are you suppose to respond when a young child does something of this magnitude? Think about it. This child has lost any sense of other people's well-being. Because of a spoiled little attitude regarding a missed trip, he has decided to put people's lives in danger. What if the household cleaner was Drain-O? What if it was highly toxic? How do you discipline? I'm sorry all you out there that don't agree with spanking but I believe in the idea of making a child associate certain actions with the dishing out of pain. It's how most in the animal kingdom learn and sometimes, it's a matter of life and death. I'd rather send my daughter to her room with a sore bottom than check into the hospital because my insides are being eaten away by bleach.

The boy's 24-year-old brother, Michael McCreery, is charged with punching the youngster. "When I asked the brother, I said, 'Why would you punch a 10-year-old in the eye?' he said, 'It's better than what I wanted to do to him,"' Markley said.

Damn right.

Markley said the defendants told authorities they don't believe they did anything wrong. "They were very calm, like this was nothing," Markley sai

He tried to poison the family. Don't think for a second a ten-year old doesn't understand what he was doing. He knows. He may not be able to grasp the concept of life and death just yet but that wouldn't make his family any less deader.

The 10-year-old is now in the county's Children and Youth Services, which is treating him for mental health issues, authorities said.

And another wonderful American family makes the newspapers. I'm going to go hug my daughter...and make myself a drink.

Bicyclist tased when he runs for minor infraction

Don't run from the police. They have gadgets and stuff that makes that painful.

A man riding a bicycle with improper lighting equipment was shot with a Taser stun gun Wednesday night as he ran from a deputy who tried to stop him for the infraction.

"Hey I got an idea officer, let's both completely overreact to this situation!"

After repeated attempts, Glenn County sheriff's deputy Cale Smith said he finally got the attention of the rider on Sierra Street, who jumped from the bike and began running.

You can see he thought this through."Quick, out of the getaway car, we're slower on foot!"

After a half-block chase and several warnings from Smith that he would use the Taser, he did.

"You like this, don't you sir."

Sgt. Scott James said only one probe struck the man, identified as Omar Herrada Rivera, 39, and he received no shock.

Sounds like someone might have done something a little worse than improper lighting on a bike.

Rivera was transported to Glenn Medical Center, where he was cleared for booking into the Glenn County Jail on suspicion of resisting arrest, riding a bicycle without proper lighting, riding under the influence of alcohol and use of false citizenship/government documents.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Scientists discover way to reverse loss of memory

Scientists performing experimental brain surgery on a man aged 50 have stumbled across a mechanism that could unlock how memory works.

I don't like the terms "stumbled" and "brain surgery" in the same sentence.

The accidental breakthrough came during an experiment originally intended to suppress the obese man's appetite, using the increasingly successful technique of deep-brain stimulation.

Just stop going to McDonalds fatty. All this scientific research in order to avoid the hard work it takes to lose weight. You know, there's something to be said about achieving a goal without having brain surgery or stomach surgery or any other form of cutting yourself open.

Electrodes were pushed into the man's brain and stimulated with an electric current.

I can do that at home in my bath tub.

Instead of losing appetite, the patient instead had an intense experience of déjà vu.

"I've had people playing with my brain before."

He recalled, in intricate detail, a scene from 30 years earlier.

"I had just been dumped by my girlfriend and my car broke down so I sat down and ate an entire turkey diner to myself and I...wait a minute..."

More tests showed his ability to learn was dramatically improved when the current was switched on and his brain stimulated.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sunday Sign of Hope January 27th 2008

US military says wanted militant killed in Pakistan

This guy was one of 12 wanted Taliban and al-qaeda militants featured on a poster released by the US military offering rewards for their captures or deaths. Now there's only 11. Always a good thing. From AFP:

The US military in Afghanistan said Saturday that a Taliban-linked militant leader wanted by Washington had been killed in neighbouring Pakistan.

Darim Sedgai was ambushed by unknown gunmen on January 16 and died of his wounds, the military said in a statement.

The military described him as a "powerful commander" linked to a top Taliban leader, Siraj Haqqani, but did not provide any further details of the incident.

The US military here reportedly announced a 50,000-dollar bounty for Sedgai in October last year, saying he was wanted for his ties to Taliban and Al-Qaeda militant groups.

Sedgai was the third rebel commander in Haqqani's network to die in recent months, the statement said.

Haqqani, the son of famous anti-Russian commander Jalaluddin Haqqani, joined the Taliban during their advance towards Kabul in 1996 and is their top commander in eastern Afghanistan. He has a 200,000 dollar bounty on his head.

An alliance of Afghan opposition groups and US-led forces overthrew the 1996-2001 Taliban regime when it did not surrender Al-Qaeda leaders after the 9/11 attacks on the United States.

Taliban militants have since been waging an increasingly bloody insurgency aimed at toppling the US-backed government of President Hamid Karzai, which is supported by more than 60,000 foreign troops.

Afghan and Western officials say Taliban and Al-Qaeda-linked rebels have bases in the rugged Pakistani tribal areas along the border.

Pakistani troops are battling rebels along the frontier and have launched a major operation in the tribal stronghold of an Al-Qaeda-linked militant blamed for the assassination of opposition leader Benazir Bhutto.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Defunct Spy Satellite Falling From Orbit

A large U.S. spy satellite has lost power and propulsion and could hit the Earth in late February or March, government officials said Saturday.

Maybe we'll get lucky and it'll land on Bin Laden.

The satellite, which no longer be controlled, could contain hazardous materials, and it is unknown where on the planet it might come down, they said. The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because the information is classified as secret.

Could contain hazardous materials? Why don't you just ask the people who built it whether or not they put any hazardous materials in it?

"Appropriate government agencies are monitoring the situation," said Gordon Johndroe, a spokesman for the National Security Council.

So if you get a call from NASA saying "Get the fuck out of the house!" you should consider it.

"Numerous satellites over the years have come out of orbit and fallen harmlessly. We are looking at potential options to mitigate any possible damage this satellite may cause."

It'll probably hit a trailer somewhere in Kansas. It always does.

He would not comment on whether it is possible for the satellite to be perhaps shot down by a missile. He said it would be inappropriate to discuss any specifics at this time.

Sure, let's shoot at it. That way, when we miss, the satellite will crash into the suburbs somewhere in Texas and the missile will sail off into Europe. Good idea.

A senior government official said that lawmakers and other nations are being kept apprised of the situation.

Well, what goes up must come down. Shame it's coming down like a eight-ton fucking dart. Good luck everybody.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Iraq ready for "final" battle with al Qaeda

They beat us to it.

Iraqi security forces have begun a "decisive" final offensive against al Qaeda in Iraq to push the Sunni Islamist militants out of their last major stronghold in the north, Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki said on Friday.

Assuming all goes as planned, what happens next?

He said Iraqi soldiers and police were being sent to Mosul, where a massive blast blamed on al Qaeda killed 40 people and wounded 220 on Wednesday, and an operations room had been set up in the city, 390 km north of Baghdad.

I'm left to wonder why we constantly announce these "operations". What ever happened to the element of surprise?

U.S. military commanders say Al-Qaeda, blamed for most big bombings in Iraq, has regrouped in the northern provinces after being squeezed out of western Anbar province and from around Baghdad during security crackdowns last year.

They're on the ropes. Finish 'em off guys.

They describe Mosul, capital of Nineveh province, as al Qaeda's last major urban stronghold in Iraq.

Good luck and God bless. Come home safe. The US and Iraqi forces that is, not al-qaeda.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Suicide bomber falls down stairs

A WOULD-be suicide bomber fell down a flight of stairs and blew himself up as he headed out for an attack in Afghanistan, police say.

Looks like Allah has a sense of humor.

It was the second such incident in two days, with another man killing himself and three others on Tuesday when his bomb-filled waistcoat exploded as he was putting it on in the southern town of Lashkar Gah.

You just can't get suicide vests like you used to any more.

Yesterday's blast was in a busy market area of the eastern town of Khost, a deputy provincial police chief said.

I can't stop laughing. You ever see someone fall down some stairs? It's the funniest thing you could ever witness. I've seen many people take a good old-fashioned tumble down some stairs but they never exploded after the fall. That's just awesome.

The would-be attacker tripped as he was leaving a building apparently to target an opening ceremony for a mosque that was expected to be attended by Afghan and international military officials, said Sakhi Mir.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Jim Carey of al-qaeda.

"Coming down the stairs, he fell down and exploded. Two civilian women and a man were wounded,'' Mir said.

Looks like they'll need to start putting an instruction manual with those vests. Careful now, don't want to hurt yourself before you blow your head clean off your shoulders.

Croc victim’s choice: Get eaten or shot

A man rescued his colleague from the jaws of a crocodile in northern Australia but accidentally shot the unlucky co-worker in the process, police said Wednesday.

"Stop helping me!"

The two farmhands were collecting wild crocodile eggs on a riverbank Tuesday in Northern Territory when a crocodile snatched one of them, Jason Green, by the arm, the Northern Territory Police said in a statement.

What the fuck are you collecting crocodile eggs for?

"The male colleague shot at the crocodile, causing it to let go of the victim's arm, but a further shot hit the victim in the upper right arm," the statement said.

Why'd he shoot again if the first shot made the crocodile let go? This is what happens when you mix stupidity and boredom.

The two men had been collecting eggs to boost the crocodile population at their farm in the northern city of Darwin. Their employer sent a helicopter that flew Green to a Darwin hospital for surgery.

Oh this couldn't get any better. These morons live in a city called Darwin and they almost got a Darwin award for removing themselves from the gene pool. Here's a helpful tip, you want to boost the crocodile population at your farm you should just...wait, why the fuck do you want to boost the crocodile population at your farm? Someone please take the guns away from these guys, and any sharp objects, and their right to reproduce.

Police Commander Bob Harrison said Green's injuries were not life-threatening. "He's going to be very sick and sorry and have a very good story to tell," Harrison told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio.

"Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that I was really, really stupid?"

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

U.S. turns to horses to secure borders

U.S. Border Patrol agent Galen Huffman leans over the saddle to look at faint tracks in a cattle trail leading up from the Mexico border.

Huh?

He follows the tracks at a brisk trot through thick brush, up and down into rocky washes, then pauses as his horse twitches its ears and turns around nervously.

I seem to have wandered into a page of Lonesome Dove here.

Horses have been part of the Border Patrol since the agency was founded to secure the United States borders against liquor smugglers and unlawful immigrants in the 1920s, and now they are making a comeback.

With gas prices the way they are I'm not surprised.

Agents dressed in leather chaps and broad-brimmed hats are increasingly being used to regain control over the most rugged areas of the southwest frontier with Mexico and now on the northern border with Canada.

It's finally happened. America has managed to go back in time.

"Most of the traffic is being pushed into these mountainous areas which are harder to work. They are very remote," said Bobbi Schad, a horse patrol supervisor from Tucson. "With a horse you can get up in there."

And after the Mexicans crossing the border beat the ever-loving shit out of you, they have an easier time getting to a town with the horse. After all that running across the border, it's nice to get off their feet.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath Ledger Found Dead in NYC

This is going to put a damper on the new Batman movie.

Heath Ledger, the talented 28-year-old actor who gravitated toward dark, brooding roles that defied his leading-man looks, was found dead Tuesday in a Manhattan apartment, face-down and naked at the foot of his bed with prescription sleeping pills nearby, police said.

Such a shame. Good actor. Young guy. Suicide? Probably. Wonder what could be so bad when you have the hold world in your hands. Too heavy maybe.

There was no obvious indication that the Australian-born Ledger had committed suicide, NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

Ledger had an appointment for a massage at the SoHo apartment that is believed to be the home of the "Brokeback Mountain" actor, Browne said.

Believed to be his home? Well, who owned it?

The massage therapist and a housekeeper found his naked body in the bed at about 3:30 p.m. They tried to revive him, but he was already dead.

Kill yourself before a massage? Why? I would wait till after at least. No need to go to the great beyond all stiff...I apologize.

"We are all deeply saddened and shocked by this accident," Ledger's publicist, Mara Buxbaum, said in a statement Tuesday night. "This is an extremely difficult time for his loved ones and we are asking the media to please respect the family's privacy and avoid speculation until the facts are known."

Well I'm going to go ahead and speculate. Again, I'll apologize if I am wrong. I just can't wrap my head around it. If it were suicide, I just don't understand why someone so young and so successful would think that things might never get better. How bad could it actually be.

Monday, January 21, 2008

MLK Day classes in Randolph draw fire

Apparently Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream of kids not having to go to school for a day on his account was never recognized in Randolph, New Jersey.

David Johnson said he first heard that Randolph schools were going to be open on Martin Luther King Jr. Day when his 14-year-old son mentioned something about it at the end of the Christmas break.

"It's bullshit Dad! I was going to celebrate his life by playing XBox!"

"Are you sure?" Johnson responded.

A 14-year old knows his school schedule better than anything else. He's got the whole year planned out around his days off.

He checked the school Web site and found a memo saying the school board voted on Dec. 19 to make a change to the calendar. Schools would be kept open on Martin Luther King Day as a "precaution" because the district might need more than the two snow days it scheduled for the school year.

Cue the racism claims in 3,2...

Johnson said he was surprised and upset -- even though school officials say the change was made because of an unusual situation and that students will spend Monday learning about Martin Luther King and the civil rights movement.

"I don't want my son learning about Martin Luther King on Martin Luther King day, I want him to clean his fucking room!"

Johnson suggested that predominantly white communities sometimes lack sensitivity to issues that are important to African-Americans.

Well when are they supposed to learn about the issues that are important to the Afrian-American communities if they don't go to fucking school. There are better ways to celebrate a great man then sleeping late.

Randolph will be the only district open in Morris County on Monday -- and one of about two dozen in the state. Most schools that will be open are in Bergen County. Proponents of schools staying closed on the holiday previously announced that Morris County was expected to have all of its schools closed this year for the first time.

I've had many jobs that were not closed for Martin Luther King day. I have many African-American friends that don't "celebrate" the holiday. They don't get together with their families to discuss the importance of Martin Luther King's ideas and struggles. It's not a holiday in the traditional sense of a holiday. It's a day in honor of a great man who did great things and I can't think of a better way to honor him than to learn about who he was, what he did and why he did it. Perhaps a full day of learning about who he was and what he did is exactly what he wanted. He had an idea, a great idea and a great "dream" that should be known and studied and taught till it sinks in. How many of you who have today off are spending it recognizing him in some way? You're just watching television aren't you.

The fact that some schools remain open on Martin Luther King Day, a federal holiday since 1986 and state holiday since 1977, has led some of those proponents to revive suggestions of legislation mandating that all schools close on the holiday. In some places, a debate continues over the best way to honor King, with some educators preferring that students attend class and learn more about the man rather than simply taking off the day.

But, but, American's are lazy people.

Max Riley, Randolph's superintendent, said he believes that students should have the day off and said Randolph would return to closing on the holiday next year.

This is why America's youth are stupid. And you can argue with me that they're not but seriously, have you ever talked to a teenager? They are fucking morons. I was a moron when I was a teenager. I didn't get much better either so what hope do I have that anyone else will?

"The African-American community has made its feelings clear, and we ought to be guided by that." Riley said. "In order to accord Dr. King the honor he deserves, it ought to be a holiday."

Absolutely it should be a holiday. But perhaps we should re-evaluate how we spend it.

While Riley said complaints have not been widespread, he sent a letter to parents late last week clarifying the board's decision. It outlines some of the programs being planned -- including fifth-graders writing "I Have A Dream" speeches and high school students learning about civil rights and bullying. Students who don't show up for school on Monday will be counted as taking an excused absence, Riley said in the letter.

This will of course be completely shot down. Why? Cause it makes sense. Read up on Martin Luther King and honestly think about whether he would want kids, white and black children at that, learning together about civil rights and the struggles of the African-American communities on his holiday or if he would rather kids sat home. I think the answer is obvious. Go to fucking school and shut up. He had a dream he died for, least you could do is spend a day fucking learning about it.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Sunday Sign of Hope January 20th 2008

Syria and Saudi Arabia have reduced the flow of foreign insurgents crossing their borders to fight in Iraq, a US military spokesman said on Sunday.

"Syria and Saudi Arabia have taken a number of steps to reduce the flow of foreign fighters into Iraq," US military spokesman Rear Admiral Gregory Smith told a press conference in Baghdad.

"In early 2007, 110 foreigners were coming into Iraq from Syria every month. That is now reduced to 40 to 50."

Syria has introduced roadblocks and border patrols in a bid to crack down on fighters trying to cross into the war-ravaged country, while Saudi Arabia has tightened requirements for people applying for visas to Syria, Smith said.

The United States has in the past accused Arab countries neighbouring Iraq of failing to do enough to stem the flow of foreign fighters sneaking into the country, especially from Syria.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Women turn on ‘traitor’ Oprah Winfrey for backing Barack Obama

This was what I said to my mother when Hillary Clinton announced her run for the White House. The same can be said for Obama as well actually. My concern was that women would vote for Clinton in some sort of show of camaraderie because they happen to share the same genitals just as well as black people would vote for Obama because they share the same skin tone, or white males may vote for the white male canidate over Obama or Clinton for skin color or gender in fear of a black or woman President. Politics may take a back seat this run for appearances. Scary thought.

AMERICA’S favourite television presenter is paying a painful price for her intervention in the US presidential campaign last month. Oprah Winfrey has been dubbed a “traitor” by some of her female fans for supporting Barack Obama instead of Hillary Clinton.

Is being a woman like being in a gang? Why is it considered "traitorous" to back whom she deems more fit for a Presidency? Or is it fear that she is backing Obama because he is black and chosing her race over her gender?

Winfrey’s website, Oprah.com, has been flooded with a barrage of abuse since the queen of daytime chat shows joined Obama on a tour of Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina in mid-December.

When I was younger I went to bartending school. One of the things they taught us was that there are three topics to avoid at all costs when conversing with customers. First is family. Don't want to help a man or woman badmouth their spouse cause they had an arguement and then, after they make up, you're stuck with having said some nasty things about that person's significant other. The second is religion. If you can't figure out why that's a forbidden topic turn the news on. The third is politics. This is why.

Her intervention was widely credited with broadening Obama’s national appeal - especially among women - and with helping him to an upset victory over Clinton in the first vote of the election year in Iowa. Yet a backlash by Clinton supporters appears to have prompted a rethink by Winfrey, the African-American media titan who is routinely described as the most influential woman on television. She did not reappear in the final days before the New Hampshire primary - which Obama lost to Clinton - and has been absent from the most recent campaigning in South Carolina, which votes next weekend.

Perhaps this is a bit uncalled for. Sure Oprah is an influential personality and, sure, she perhaps can affect voters out there. But she's not the first famous person to open their mouths a bit too wide over their politics. Perhaps women should ask themselves why they are so influenced by what Oprah does and says. I like to think people can watch Oprah and still think independantly. Or maybe not. She has money after all.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Mystery Disease Gives Sensation Of 'Bugs Eating Skin'

Sounds fun.

An unexplained disease that sufferers say cause overwhelming sensations of bugs crawling, biting and stinging their skin and mystery lesions that never heal is being investigated by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

I thought this was just called being crazy.

The illness is called Morgellons and Florida, Texas and California are states with apparent hot spots for the condition.

Well I don't live in any of those states so I guess I just have to worry about the other million strange diseases that will kill me.

People who report suffering from the condition identify a range of symptoms including vision loss, mental confusion and fatigue. Some sufferers also said they have experienced tiny fibers that pop out of their skin.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Animal-human embryo research is approved

Oh that's so fucking cool. I want bat wings.

Experiments to create Britain’s first embryos that combine human and animal material will begin within months after a government watchdog gave its approval yesterday to two research teams to carry out the controversial work.

This is a horror movie in the making. I guess next year some time I'll be covering a story, "Britain under attack from mutant man-dogs".

Scientists at King’s College London, and the University of Newcastle will inject human DNA into empty eggs from cows to create embryos known as cytoplasmic hybrids, which are 99.9 per cent human in genetic terms.

The humans will look normal but will eat grass, you'll be able to milk them and they will make one hell of a ribeye.

The experiments are intended to provide insights into diseases such as Parkinson’s and spinal muscular atrophy by producing stem cells containing genetic defects that contribute to these conditions.

I'm all for the furthering of science in order to benefit mankind but I got to say that screwing with DNA and mixing embryos is playing with fire. One day it will bite us in the ass. I'm going on record that the thing that finally destroys us will be something we made in a lab.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Scientists develop computer that can 'translate' a dog's bark

Apparently, a dog's bark is the equivalent of calling someone an "fucking moron".

What would a dog say if it could talk?

"Stop watching me lick my balls pervert. You're just jealous."

"Stranger", "fight", "walk", "alone", "ball" and "play", according to scientists who have developed a computer programme to translate dog barks.

Limited vocab. I'm surprised "feed me" isn't in there.

The special programme analysed more than 6,000 barks from 14 Hungarian sheepdogs in six different situations.

Look, I know when my dog needs to walk cause he scratches at the door. I know when he wants to play because he brings his toys to me. He wants to be left alone when he grabs me by the throat and shakes me like I'm filled with dog food. I have a Siberian Husky and guess what, they never bark, so...this whole thing is useless for me.

Monday, January 14, 2008

German experts crack the ID of ‘Mona Lisa’

Good job. Hey, can you find Bin Laden for us?

German academics believe they have solved the centuries-old mystery behind the identity of the "Mona Lisa" in Leonardo da Vinci's famous portrait.

Some things are best left a mystery. I always found a certain draw to the fact that this wonderful work of art was a nameless face. It loses a certain something if you find out she was an uptight rich pain in the ass.

Lisa Gherardini, the wife of a wealthy Florentine merchant, Francesco del Giocondo, has long been seen as the most likely model for the 16th-century painting.

See, rich and probably a pain in the ass.

Now experts at the Heidelberg University library say dated notes scribbled in the margins of a book by its owner in October 1503 confirm once and for all that Lisa del Giocondo was indeed the model for one of the most famous portraits in the world.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sunday Sign of Hope January 13th 2007

Iraq's parliament has approved legislation to allow former members of Saddam Hussein's Baath Party to be reinstated to government jobs - a key benchmark sought by the United States for measuring progress toward national reconciliation.

The measure approved Saturday had been stalled in parliament. It will relax restrictions on the right of former Baathists to fill government posts. Those restrictions were put in place after the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq in 2003.

The White House confirmed that Iraq's parliament had passed the measure and called it a "good step."

Thousands of Baath officials were dismissed from government jobs after Saddam was ousted from power in 2003. Their dismissal deepened sectarian tensions between Iraq's majority Shi'ites and once-dominant Sunnis.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Organs to be taken without consent

Gordon Brown has thrown his weight behind a move to allow hospitals to take organs from dead patients without explicit consent.

What's the big deal? The dead don't need them anymore.

Writing in The Sunday Telegraph, the Prime Minister says that such a facility would save thousands of lives and that he hopes such a system can start this year.

I don't know what human beings "deal" is with the dead. We spend more space on cemeteries than we do low cost housing. We treat a dead body like it was a Holy relic centries lost and finally found. It's meat. Meat and fat and bones and other icky things that are no longer needed by whoever was originally using them. If my organs go to help someone live a few extra years I say, hey, why the fuck didn't someone extend my life a few years?

The proposals would mean consent for organ donation after death would be automatically presumed, unless individuals had opted out of the national register or family members objected.

If they're still going to ask family members than nothing has changed really unless they are going to harvest organs from people who have no family which, in turn, raises some interesting questions, like, medical history and lifestyle questions that are usually asked to the next of kin in order to determine whether the deceased is a suitable donor. I don't want the kidney's from some guy who OD'd on heroin in a crack house cause no one claimed his body.

But patients' groups said that they were "totally opposed" to Mr Brown's plan, saying that it would take away patients' rights over their own bodies.

You lose your rights when you die. It sounds mean, but ask yourself one question. A bus is headed at you at high speed as you cross the street, there's no time to jump out of the way and no way this bus can stop before hitting you. Are you concerned with what is going to happen to your organs after they pry you out of the bus's grill? Nah. Use my organs, I did nothing but abuse them anyway. Maybe someone will treat them better than I did.

There are more than 8,000 patients waiting for an organ donation and more than 1,000 a year die without receiving the organ that could save their lives.

Pointless lose of life. If a person lay dying and you don't call for emergency it's pretty much the same thing as refusing to donate an organ if you match someone who is in dire need of one. Plus, you're fucking dead. You won't care.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Militant threat on Eiffel Tower intercepted

Although I sometimes poke fun at the French, I do believe they are not the right people to piss off. They did kill their own king.

French intelligence services are tracking the authors of a message apparently describing a militant threat against the Eiffel Tower, the daily Le Monde said on Friday.

"I've tracked the message all day sir. It hasn't moved from www.blowshitup.com."

The newspaper said Portuguese air traffic authorities had intercepted a “vague and confused” short wave radio message apparently describing a threat on Thursday, but were not ”panicked” by the message, according to a police source.

Way to monitor the airwaves there guys. Good to know the French Intelligent Agencies are second only to Portuguese air traffic controllers.

The French capital is already at its second highest security alert level and further public security measures would serve little purpose, Le Monde quoted police as saying.

Other than keeping someone from blowing up the Eiffel Tower.

“We’ve been at red for several months. It’s the highest level before scarlet alert which is implemented when there are attacks,” the local police headquarters told the newspaper.

Not a scarlet alert! Perhaps we can have another color in between. How's a Mahoganyalert sound?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Many Palestinians Offer a Bleak Opinion of Bush

No! I just won't believe it!

President Bush did not come to this oasis city of beige hills, lush green plantations and ancient ruins on his visit to the Palestinian Authority on Thursday. Given the apparent antipathy of the local population, it is probably just as well.

I'd say Mr. Bush has forever given up on his chance of ever visiting a Muslim land.

“It would be much better if he didn’t visit our land at all,” said Bashar Fadl Ahmed, 34, an orthopedic surgeon who was shopping in the town square early this week, echoing sentiments expressed by many here. “He won’t achieve anything. He is trying to do something in his last year, but where was he before?”

Busy bombing other Muslim countries.

Jericho, a relatively tranquil town of about 25,000 Palestinians north of the Dead Sea, was on the short list of West Bank destinations for the Bush visit, with Bethlehem and Ramallah, the site of the Palestinian Authority headquarters.

I'll give him this, call him stupid, call him crooked, say he is the worst President in US history, but he's got balls. Fucking balls of steel.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Moron Arrested After Driving Truck Into House

About time there was some truth in the media. Note: this is the actual headline.

Bryan Scott Moron, 20, of Burleson, Texas, was arrested Friday after he lost control of his truck and struck a mailbox, then a house, MyFOXDFW.com reports.

Alright Mr. Moron, what happened here?

Living up to his surname, Moron failed sobriety tests, the station said. The arrest report showed his blood alcohol level to be more than twice the legal limit.

You'd think with that surname he'd keep as low a profile as possible.

Moron, a restaurant server, was also driving at an excessive speed, according to the report.

This guy's boss at the restaurant must have a damn fieldday with this guy. "Hey Moron, table five!" "Let's move Moron!", "Moron, I thought I told you to be here at ten o'clock. Why you late Moron?" Oh the good times would roll.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Russia says it is ahead in race to put man on Mars

Russia is leading the race to complete a manned mission to Mars and could land a Russian on the Red Planet by 2025, a leading scientist was quoted as saying on Tuesday.

Russia is just itching for some attention. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought people stopped caring about who is the first back in middle school.

"We have something of a head start in this race as we have the most experience in piloted space flight," the director of the prestigious Space Research Institute, Lev Zelyony, told Interfax news agency on Tuesday.

Enjoy the red planet.

The goal of becoming the first country to land a human on Mars is "technically and economically achievable" by 2025, he said.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Pentagon Says Ships Harassed by Iran

They keep calling and hanging up.

An Iranian fleet of high-speed boats charged at and threatened to blow up a three-ship U.S. Navy convoy passing near Iranian waters, then vanished as the American ship commanders were preparing to open fire, the top U.S. Navy commander in the area said Monday.

Bullies are known to do the same thing...in grade school.

No shots were fired an an Iranian official in Tehran said the incident amounted to "something normal."

"Oh we always threaten to blow things up. We're Muslims."

Bush administration officials complained that the Iranian actions amounted to a dangerous provocation, but one private analyst said the Iranians may have believed they were acting defensively in a narrow waterway that is heavily trafficked by commercial ships, including oil vessels.

I'm counting the days till this tit for tat turns into something major. Honestly, I thought this would have happened already. If we weren't in Iraq and Afghanistan, it probably would have. Of course, I'd rather we were in Iraq and Afghanistan than starting something new. And if we were going to start something new, may I suggest Pakistan's tribal region. That place is just ripe for a new carpet.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Sunday Sign of Hope January 6th 2008

Santa brought just what the nation's ski resorts wanted: the best nationwide snow conditions in several years.

From New England to California, the snow piled up in the days and weeks before Christmas. Even Taos, N.M., in the Desert Southwest had a 60-inch base.

"This is our best opening since 1977,” said Adriana Blake, marketing director for Taos. The resort couldn't open for Thanksgiving but later got 68 inches in a week. "This is crazy. It never snows like this.”

In November, with a few exceptions, some of the most popular resorts in the Rockies and California delayed their openings because of a lack of snow. Most only offered limited terrain because of an unusually balmy and dry fall that produced disastrous wildfires.

Then the jet stream moved south, and the snow began to fall, and fall, and fall. Wolf Creek, Colo., which usually has the deepest base in the state, has suffered for the past two years. It debuted in late November with less than 10 inches. A week before Christmas, it had 115 inches.

"It is spectacular. For the first time in recent history, the industry is up and operating across the country,” said Michael Berry, president of the National Ski Areas Association.

Sugarbush was close to being 100 percent booked for Christmas, a record for the Vermont resort. Also in Vermont, Mad River Glen, which relies mostly on natural snow, reported 100 percent open.

New England struggled last year. The Vermont Ski Areas Association said 59 percent of Vermont's 1,242 trails were open as of Dec. 10, compared with 14 percent at the same time last year.

The snow has been good from the start at Whistler-Blackcomb, British Columbia, the busiest resort in North America.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Attendance Up at Zoo After Tiger Attack

Attendance was up at the San Francisco Zoo following a tiger attack that killed a young man on Christmas Day, a zoo spokesman said Saturday.

Everyone wants to see the tiger that commited this act of...tigerness.

The zoo was closed for eight days following the tiger attack, which left 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr. dead and two brothers injured. Police were investigating whether the tiger was taunted before attacking the three victims.

If the tiger wasn't provoked, then will he be arrested? And how exactly did a tiger kill a person at a zoo. Did we do away with the whole bars idea? I must have missed something.

Other zoos that have endured mishaps have seen similar spikes in attendance, which zoo officials have attributed to the publicity and morbid curiosity.

Same reason why movies and television shows about serial killers are so damn popular.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Britney Spears locked up in psych ward

This is the first thing I've ever had in common with Britney Spears.

Continuing her downward spiral from pop tart to deranged diva, Britney Spears was locked in a psych ward on Friday night after a meltdown that ended when she was strapped to a gurney and rushed to a hospital.

I can't wait to read this chapter in her mother's parenting book.

Spears was deemed a "special needs" patient and held "for her own welfare" for at least 72 hours in a wing of Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where suicidal patients are treated, sources said.

Special needs is the PC term for retarded. Just throwing that out there.

Spears, who sparked a confrontation with cops by refusing to return her sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline after a court-approved visit, later lost all visitation rights to their sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.

Just wait till all the teen girls who idolized Miss Spears grow up. Things are going to get interesting in a few years around here.

"I'm not happy about the events," Federline's lawyer Mark Kaplan said. "Nobody wins." Kaplan refused to say if Spears had threatened to kill herself. He said the boys were reunited with their dad.

While I do take some sort of deranged pleasure in Miss Spears' fall from grace I feel sorry for the children. I mean, not THAT bad considering the wealth they will grow up with, but you know, having a crazy mommy is never all that fun. Trust me.

Federline's sister-in-law, Alisha Federline, said seeing Spears hauled out of her house like a mental patient was "very disturbing."

"And funny."

The LAPD first said Spears was under the influence of an unknown substance when she went nuts, but later retracted it.

"She's just naturally nuts."

Sources close to the singer said she was stressed out from having to testify at a humiliating deposition Thursday where she had to answer for a litany of examples of her bad parenting.

Well, who does she have to blame other than herself. She made the decision to have children. That means you take the responsibility of changing your entire life to accommodate the new lives you've brought into the world. No more partying, no more drugging, no more drinking and clubbing to the early dawn hours. Children change EVERYTHING. Most normal people take a few months or years to weigh whether they are ready to make those changes, others have the decision thrust upon them and rise to the challenge. You listening little miss Jamie Lynn Spears? Hope you're learning from your sisters mistakes.

Spears snapped when Federline's flunkies arrived at her Studio City home around 8 p.m. that same day to pick up their sons. Rather than comply, Spears grabbed Jayden and locked herself and the tot in a bedroom for three hours and refused to come out - even after cops arrived.

In a study of nearly 3,000 healthy British adults, lead by Dr. Andrew Steptoe of University College London, found that those who reported upbeat moods had lower levels of cortisol -- a "stress" hormone that, when chronically elevated, may contribute to high blood pressure, abdominal obesity and dampened immune function, among other problems.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Binge-drinking revellers fuelled a chaotic start to 2008 as over-stretched ambulance workers battled to cope with emergency calls flooding in at a peak of one every eight seconds.

No better way to start the new year than in the hospital, clinging to life after alcohol poisoning. Remember people, thin line between celebrating and excusing excess.

In the capital alone the London Ambulance Service had to deal with its highest number of emergency calls since the Millennium - the majority related to excess alcohol.

Bet a lot of you British got lucky that night. And it seems a whole shitload of you didn't.

As midnight came and went there was mayhem as scores of drunken partygoers around the country tumbled into the streets, some wearing little more than their underwear.

You know, I'm starting to lose that whole uptight, refined image I had of the British. After this and the war videos I've seen of how they deal with Taliban fighters in Afghanistan, my hats off to you blokes, you're all out of your bloody minds.

Fights erupted and a string of dishevelled young men and women collapsed on benches and in doorways, too inebriated to remember or care that the night was supposed to be a celebration.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

2008 New Year's Sign of Hope

On New Year's Eve Ridaa al-Azzawi squeezed into his pointy snakeskin boots, his tight black sweater and his snazzy corduroy flared jeans, hustled down to a Baghdad hotel ballroom and partied for peace.

2008 arrived in a less-violent Baghdad, and residents said it was the first real party they had seen in years.

At the stroke of midnight, exuberant locals fired into the air with automatic rifles, sending red tracer fire streaking over the city, as fireworks lit up the sky.

While the city is still far from peaceful and many of the festive gatherings had a tentative feel, many said it was a happier occasion than they could have dared to hope just a few months ago.

"The security has changed and it took us by surprise. We're very happy. Especially us young people," said al-Azzawi, a 22-year-old student taking a break from dancing to a traditional Iraqi band in the ballroom of the Palestine Hotel.

"I haven't seen a happy place like this in so long. I wanted to see if I could maybe meet a few girls!" he said. "I only hope the Iraqi people can enjoy more happy times like this."

Salah al-Lami, 27, the singer who performed at the Palestine ballroom and then for another New Year's Eve crowd at the Sheraton Hotel across the street, said it was the first time he had sung before a live audience in four years.

"This will be the year that we take our freedom!" he told Reuters after singing through a boisterous set in front of a packed dancefloor.

"When I went up on the stage and started singing I felt like I was performing for my family."

Belly dancers also took the stage, and revelers showered a female singer with dinar notes, the Iraqi audience's ultimate sign of approval.