Hallmark: Keeping perspective key when facing stress

Hallmark

A young lady I work with became engaged recently. After the obligatory hugs and ogling over the ring (it is a beautiful ring), we exchanged several emails about dates and plans and such. In one of those emails, she said, “Our goal is to not be one of those couples that stresses the entire time and actually just enjoy being engaged.”

This is a powerful statement about human nature — that which should be enjoyed is easily tarnished by stress.

Another friend whose daughter is soon to be married told me her daughter “has, thankfully, been pretty relaxed about it and not at all a bridezilla.”

I commend these two young ladies for keeping perspective, but I am less interested in the trials of brides-to-be as I am the natural inclination we have to transform that which is joyous into something to simply survive.

Certainly, planning and executing a wedding can be stressful, and I do not intend to minimize the work that goes into such events. Still, I wonder how much we miss the point of the event — whether it is a party, a wedding or a vacation — when we obsess so heavily over the preparation that we do not enjoy the party.

The New Testament story of Martha comes to mind. When Jesus visited her home, Martha was distracted by preparations while her sister Mary sat at Jesus’ feet.

I always felt Martha got a bad rap. If you are going to eat lunch, someone has to prepare it. In my house, meals do not magically appear. There is work to be done.

The Biblical story, of course, is not about neglecting necessary work, but rather about keeping things in perspective. The priority for Mary and Martha was not to tidy up the utility room but to learn from the master. Yes, for them to eat after the teaching, someone would need to prepare food. Yet what was to be eaten was not as important as the teaching. Jesus would have been happy with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while Martha was busying herself preparing a feast.

That’s how I view so much of what happens in major events. Certainly, any successful event requires behind-the-scenes effort. Still, what everyone remembers afterward is not the beautiful centerpiece but rather seeing old friends, conversations or witnessing the union of two lives. Our efforts in preparing should be centered on those priorities, rather than the trim that is quickly forgotten.

My wife (who I do not allow to preview my writings) will undoubtedly read this and say, “You don’t get it. You’re a guy.” Indeed, I am a guy. Still, I don’t think this phenomenon is unique to women. For me, over-planning a vacation is the same phenomenon.

The goal on our vacations is to connect with each other, enjoy a location, relax and have fun. The goal is not to set a record for the number of museums covered in one day. Yet it is these sorts of priorities that too easily overtake us, robbing us of the joy of the occasion.

I think this is what Jesus was thinking when he wagged his head and said “Martha, Martha, Martha.” Focus on the important stuff and let the other stuff take a back seat. Enjoy.

Dr. James Hallmark is the vice chancellor for academic affairs at Texas A&M University.