Thursday, 16 August 2012

I Wish I Never Had Revenge Séx

There hadn’t been any of those your-boyfriend-is-totally-about-to-dump-you signs. None of my friends hadwarned me that they thought it might happen anytime soon. He hadn’t mentioned any “problems in our relationship” at all.

It’s safe to say that I wasn’t expecting to be single by the time I got home from school that day—but I sure was.

You’ve got to understand, this is my first serious high school boyfriend we’re talking about. You know, the one who I planned on marrying? The one I lost my virginity to? The one that I imagined being with for forever? Yep, that was him. One day we were perfect and the next we were over…The following day at school I anticipated the worst: Passing each other awkwardly in the hall, having to sit near him at lunch and not laugh when he said something funny, him knowing that I had been crying during the minutes before class. But that “worst” doesn’t even come close to what really happened. Ready for it? Are you sure?

HE WAS WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

Like really? How could he be so awful to me? They were holding hands and even kissing during passing period. I wanted to die. Cue the combination of humiliation and depression. Obviously our relationship had meant nothing to him–when to me, it was one of the most important things in life. How could I have been such an idiot for letting him mess with my emotions that way. I wasn’t sad anymore, I was livid. And I needed to find some way to get even with him.

If he thought he could just go off and be with another girl so quickly after our relationship was over, that sure meant that I could do the same with another boy. But not just any boy, I wanted to make sure that it was the one person that would hurt him the most—one of his best friends.

I knew which one to pick immediately; he had always been someone that my ex-boyfriend was jealous of. Without consulting my friends, I texted him the next day, asking if he wanted to hang out, but I’m sure he knew that I meant something more. When he came over, I was ready. There had always been some séxual tension between us but now, with my boyfriend out of the picture, nothing was stopping us . . . or me from having revenge sex.

We kissed and it was really great, but it just didn’t feel right. His hands moved up my shirt and I liked how it felt but hated that it was him at the same time. I went down on him and wanted to make it fantastic for him, wanted him to finish, but only so the news would get back to my ex boyfriend. By the time we had séx, I don’t even know what I was thinking. I only knew that revenge séx wasn’t what I pictured it would be.

It was such a convoluted experience of things I thought I wanted and the emotions that only made me realize how bad of an idea it had all been. I felt dirty and wrong. Believe me, the séx was good while it was happening (when isn’t it?), but the way it made me feel after was so not what I expected. Revenge séx is NOT all it’s cracked up to be in the movies.

I wanted to go back in time and forget the whole thing. I wished that I could have found ANY other way to get over this relationship. Anything besides having revenge séx. I just wish I had known that it would have felt so wrong. If I had, I would never have done it in the first place.