I'm not fond of cut&paste. However "Euroboy" wrote this perfect little story in the Cabin Crew forum, but I think it needs a bigger audience.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Denise and I will be your Senior In-cabin Co-ordinator on this flight to Ibiza from London Gatwick today.

My team and I would like to welcome you on board this 727 and thank you for choosing Superjet Air even if you didn`t really get a choice in the matter.

Still my team and I have to put on a brave face about wearing this brown and peach uniform, so the least you can do is accept the inevitable with some grace.

While we are still boarding this aircraft, can I, at this point ask a pax in Row 13 to stand up and re-arrange all his belongings in the overhead locker for a long time, while sticking his backside into the aile and stopping other people squeezing past and reaching their seats? If everybody is seated too early people will start expecting this plane to take off.

Our estimated hanging around on the tarmac time today is appox. 115 minutes. You may like to take this opportunity to put back your watches by 1 hour now so that our take off time will not seem quite so badly behind schedule.

In a few minutes the tinkly tonkly music in the background will be drowned out by the roar and hiss of the air conditioning system. This is quite normal for this type of aircraft and there is no cause for optimism that something is actually going to happen.

Cabin staff are now about to come down the cabin making all the people who have luggage under their seat put it into the overhead lockers provided, and all those paxs who have bags in the overhead lockers will be ordered to put them under the seat.

My collegue, Patsy is about to come down the cabin offering copies of last Thursday`s Frankfurter Allgemeine which is the only newspaper we could get hold of because a mix up with our suppliers. If there is anyone on board who reads German, I would ask them to identify themselves, and to look just a bit pleased.

It may be of interest to you to know that our late arriving pax should be coming on board in the next 2 minutes. He will be wearing a Panama hat a pale linen suit and a smug expression. He will of course be carrying 2 gigantic suitcases which he will bump against your shoulders of those sat in aile seats until he reaches his own which is in Row 35 at the very rear.

Your pilot today is Capt. Roderick Wild blood. In 30 minutes he will be addressing you in his rich soothing voice to apologise for the delayed departure. In the meantime we will be taxi-ing to a different area of the tarmac so that we can get a better view of those planes which have been lucky enough to be cleared for take off. Capt. Wildblood has just changed the note of the engines to raise your expectations.

If paxs on the left side of the aircraft look out of the windows they can see the green suitcase which fell off the baggage handlers` trolley and is now being ignored as it lies on the ground. Paxs on the right side of the aircraft can see a mechanic staring at the wing and shaking his head.

My collegue Trish will now move through the cabin taking coats and belongings at random out of the overhead lockers and place them in overhead lockers as far away as possible from their owner. At the same time Patsy will, for the 40th time twitch the curtain which separtates the First Class cabin to make sure that no body in the tourist section gets an unauthorised glimpse of it.

You may like to know that there are NOW 2 mechanics staring at the right wing and gesticulating.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as it is nearly time for Capt. Wildblood to deliver his apology for the delay, I would ask you to fold away your tray tables, put your seats upright and see that your seat belt is fastened so that Patsy can come down the cabin and glare severely at your goin area. At the same time Trish will open all the lockers and slam them shut violently.

In a minute I will be demonstrating the Safety Procedures which I find embarrassing- especially the bit where I have to pretend to blow into the tube to inflate the life jacket should it fail to inflate automatically. You will find a safety card in the seat pocket infront of you. Please study it closely while I am doing the demonstration, so I don`t catch your eye.

As soon as we have taken off, the cabin crew will be wheeling trolleys into the aile to block your way to the toilets.

I would like to wish you an enjoyable flight with Superjet Air. Thank You, for your attension."

Thanx to Euroboy for the story
FS
[Edited because I just can't spell!!]

[This message has been edited by Flap Sup (edited 28 May 2001).]

ExSimGuy

29th May 2001, 19:44

Reminds me of the
"Grace L. Furgusson Storm Door Company and Airline" :)

Flight Attendant ~
A sophisticated travel attendant, or one who deludes herself daily into believing that her job is glamorous.

Trolley Dolly ~
The ultimate hostess, able to plan and execute a sit down dinner for 500 in the time span of 2 hours.

SkyBag ~
A piece of carry on luggage, or any flight attendant that has been in the air since the days of the pterodactyl.

Skirt ~
A term coined by front-end crew to designate which flight attendants should serve his majesty on the flight deck. There is a reason they call it a "cockpit!".

Suit ~
A term coined by front-end crew to designate which flight attendants should not serve his majesty on the flight deck. They fear that "cockpit" may be interpreted literally.

Air Hostess ~
A designation for any flight attendant of the British persuasion who serves "bangers and mash" as opposed to "chicken or steak."

Stewardess ~
Any flight attendant who is prone to sporting a mini skirt and the Marlo Thomas flip.

Purser ~
Always the grouchiest flight attendant on board. She can most often be found in the galley with her lips pursed in a constant scowl. (see also Sky Bag)

Air Fairy ~
Self explanatory phrase that may only be used by those who decide that they fit the category. (aka Flying Flame)

Dead-Head Crew ~
A rowdy goup of air crew, most often found in the galley mixing themselves drinks as they travel as passengers to their work destination. Greatly envied by the working crew.

Cons/Copers ~
An airline employee traveling on a pass. Always the first to be bumped from a flight and often content to spend 14 hours in the comfort of a flight attendant jump seat.

Captain ~
The ultimate egotist who thinks nothing of waking passengers at 4 am to remind them that this may be a good time to catch a little sleep. Second only to God in terms of authority! Known also as the "left seat."

First Officer ~
A "left seat" wannabe occupying the right seat. Can most often be found chasing skirts and shooing away suits (an explanation of why flight attendants both call them FO's and tell them to FO.) Holds authority only over any pets traveling in the cargo hold.

Cleaning Crew ~
Comprised of a group of unfortunate people who must remove all manner of disgusting things from the seat back pockets after passengers deplane.

Let's talk about the seatbelt sign for a minute, shall we? This mother-****ing thing! The minute it goes on they all jump out of their seats. I wish I could invent a p.a. system that could direct my announcements to any one seat or lavatory. Could you imagine? I would never leave my jumpseat! Let's say you have someone who goes into the bathroom after you've told them that the seatbelt sign is on. Just go over to your jumpseat panel and type in aft lavatory 3L, and make your desired announcement. "Attention! This is the toilet speaking! Get your fat hemorrhoid-filled ass off of me and get back to your seat! The seat belt sign is on! And I KNEW you dyed your hair!"

And taxiing into the gate. Why is it that everybody has to get their bags out into the aisle and get into that half-seated, half-in-the-sprinting position like they're gonna run a race? We're moving and some people even start to get up... excuse me, we're not even at the gate yet! Where are you gonna go to? It's times like these that I wish I had an emergency brake located by my jumpseat. The kind like they have on the subway. I would pull it and we would screech to such a stop, I swear to God, people would be flying out the cockpit window. But the unfortunate thing is that Boeing and Airbus don't ask for flight attendants input.

------------------
How do you explain to a caterpillar that it can become a butterfly, and will, regardless of its current belief system.

Flap Sup

29th May 2001, 20:31

Lady V: Fantastic

ESG: Could you tell me about "Grace L. Furgusson Storm Door Company and Airline"

And, no, I don't remember "Uunderground Airways". I'd be happy to hear the story though.
FS

ExSimGuy

31st May 2001, 12:55

Flaps-Up

It was a monolog, I think by Ozzy (or Kiwi?) comic called Fred Dag, that was popular years ago among a small group of loonies who inhabited the Northern end of the BCAL reservations office at LGW, including Kay and Paul in Special Accounts, Graham (ringleader loonie), Keith and Trev, the 3 Comms guys, and me (pooter repairman). Associate mebership was granted to a loonie instructor, Di, despite the fact that she worked at the other end of the building.

Underground Airways was a figment of our imaginations and operated out of the bowling green in Crawley with a stretched Spitfire and a long-range Tig-Moth.

Boy, I miss those days and those guys - wonder where they all went?

Biggles Flies Undone

31st May 2001, 13:52

Where did you go for your Old Peculier in that era ESG? Closest place I can remember was the Lamb Inn at Lambs Green (near Rusper). Used to be a truly great country pub with a crazy landlord. I went there recently, first time in ten years, and it had been gutted and ‘trendyised’ – absolutely ruined :mad:

Some things were better in those days.

ExSimGuy

31st May 2001, 23:25

Mostly K&B when around LGW. Wish I had a map handy to remind me of the locations. Mate of ours, Alan, (I think he was in CRC at BR) and his wife Stella (a Finn with an interesting stock of Vodka in the freezer) did a "self build" somewhere out to the west of the A24 and I got lumbered for the house wiring. Local boozer there was reputed to be Ollie Reed's pub but I never saw him there. Used to drive down the A24 "in formation" with Al's and Graham's Spits "covering the wing" of my Mk2 Jag of "Bomber Command" (don't tell my future son-in-law, he's a cop and thinks I'm respectable :) - yes, Effo the Effay is marrying The Fuzz http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/eek.gif )

The next job after that was the one at BA at LHR and I used to commute on a Honda 500-4 (okay, Jazzie, but it was BIG&FAST in those days http://www.pprune.org/ubb/NonCGI/tongue.gif ) and stop off on the way home from evening shift just South of Hampton Court for the Old Peculiar (self-imposed one-pint limit as I didn't want to die on a Honda!)

Ah, reminiscences ;) ;)

Biggles Flies Undone

1st Jun 2001, 02:38

Hehehe ESG - Ollie Reed's pub was the Punchbowl at Oakwood Hill just off the A24 - saw him in there many times. I helped a bunch of scallywags dig up what was left of a P51 a hundred yards from there.