Gender is much more dynamic than our culture takes into account. Some of us understand that. (Image via Wikipedia)

This is a cut from the Ask Reneta section. This blog illustrates the kind of conversations and inspiration that comes out of conversations about gender between people who have a greater understanding of gender outside of the social construct. I found this conversation intriguing and felt it was big enough for its own blog, this will not be the last. We should all think about gender outside of the boxes people try to put us into. (Note: Images and Image contents were added after the comments in Ask Reneta were made and are just added design and commentary)

Don’t forget to mouse over Tranarchy under Transsexuality for a definition for it as a bonus :3 I hope you like Mx. Punk, and thanks for letting me make a blog out of it.

hi! this isn’t a question; i’m just replying to your message to me the other day.

thank you so very very much for the positive feedback! i’m deeply moved to learn that i’ve helped you out; like, really, i’m totally touched. i’m very very glad that i can be part of your support system.

honestly, your perspective has been incredibly valuable to me. you always think of the things that elude me and you are generous with your ideas; thank you!

this is a small online community we have, but the few of us there are comprise a solid support system. let’s keep sharing thoughts!!!

Gender and Sexuality in a broader context are an important thing to understand for all people, in my opinion. P.S. Carl Sagan sounds like Kermit the Frog. MUAHAHA! I am listening to Symphony of Science - We are all Connected http://www.symphonyofscience.com (Image via Wikipedia)

Your insights also moved me over time in ways I didn’t predict. I used to find the “masculine” attributes of my body unattractive and tried to hide them, though I still dress to flatter when I can. I can be a little vain about what I’ll wear, but meh. I was trying out a combo of stuff from my overstuffed closet (mostly because there is a desk and a million boxes in there), and had an unexpected realization. I actually found that I had a mixed gender appearance attractive, and I felt proud about my body in a way I hadn’t before. I was so moved by it I started to tear up. Well, I am an emotionally liberated person, so tear up usually means full on crying happy tears. I have no fear about showing how I feel to keep/make appearances so.

Anyhow, I think that was the first time in my life I ever accepted the masculine parts of my overt androgyny much less felt they were attractive. I have always been androgynous even before transition, especially so when I was young. Got mistaken for a girl even when I had a military cut when I was 20. I got a lot of grief for being shorter, softer and thinner than the other boys, and being so “pretty” and “manicured”. Hell even the way I carried myself was androgynous, a kind of masculine androgyny though now it’s feminine androgyny. Hormones changed my center of gravity so I walk different now, but still. Anyhow, my gender feelings plus how I was treated gave me a lot of disdain for my formula of masculinity.

I was always masculine, but barely; most of which was because I was forcing it to be more masculine than it was. I think hating my body with insults about my façade based brand of maleness compounded in a way that couldn’t be expected. Your insight helped me because I was forced to challenge the my perspective about the feelings of angst associated with my gender identity. I had to be honest about how I felt about my gender status. I realized people didn’t reject me per say, but my forced presentation. I know there was some homophobia involved, as “homosexuality” was the popular theory about me; but many that I knew teased me not out of phobia but because something was off.

Essentially, I was made to feel ashamed of my masculinity because I didn’t meet the standard. It took me time to realize there was nothing wrong with my masculinity, either in form or fashion. Those feelings were amplified by the way I hated the performativity of the whole shebang. It took me a while to realize those who criticized me weren’t criticizing me but my performance. As a woman I am still masculine in many ways, and I am okay to say that. I am also feminine in many others as well. Neither of them define me, they are merely adjective to who I am. I never embraced my masculinity, and now I do, and it feels so much better. So I see my personality as androgynous, my gender identity as female, and my gender expression as idiosyncratic. Thanks seems somehow, insufficient to the gift I received.

I am glad that there is a support network in existence, I am happy to be a part and I agree, the sharing of thoughts it essential, necessary as well as rewarding part of being vocal about our microcosmic perspective. This isn’t the first nor will it be the last time thought collides to form profound concepts perhaps even epiphanies (which is what I would describe what happened to me). I think the best way to learn for all people is to learn from each other. I am glad to learn from you and reciprocate in kind. I am also honored that my perspective has been valuable and inspirational to you as well. You are always welcome to my ideas and to share them with whoever you like. Inspiration is free, but ultimately priceless because it’s value is both without estimate, and irreplaceable. As I think of things that eluded you, you also think of things that elude me. We are like a think tank band, hopefully rocking other people’s think tanks as well. By the way, I like your think tank analogies. :p

Looks like a male mannequin with female clothing, and a female mannequin with men's clothing. Just a picture that I thought was cool... I am a picture whore when it comes to my blogs. (Image by moirabot via Flickr)

wow, man. you just rocked my think tank again! my “look! no pants!” post was based on my problems with my gender expression; you just cleared some of that up for me.

i’ve never been comfortable expressing my “feminine” side because i was scared that people would put me in a box— thereby changing my reality, i guess. but really, i don’t have a “feminine” side or a “masculine” side— just a shit ton of queer sides! and i should just wear whatever strikes my fancy; other people can’t alter my gender identity just by putting me in a box.

and i’m super stoked that you can embrace your feminine side and your masculine side! there’s room for all the renetas!

k, see, that was another epiphany right there. thanks for making me think about stuff! we’re think tank rock stars! we = awesome

Icon of a surrealistic self-portrait. This photo represents my ability to love myself as I have become myself. (Image by Reneta Scian)

After your comment I had some fancy derivatives. So, check this… When I wear pants and a plain old girls cut t-shirt, I feel sexy. They are formed to my body shape, stretchy, but not tight. Yes, you heard me say that. Androgyny makes me feel hot, and I don’t know why. I didn’t start there but I am there now. What I realized as my reply so hinted, is that there is several parts, and I’ll break that down. Gender Identity, Gender Expression, Gender Experience, and how you feel about each of them. The feelings we have about those three have a strong impact on how we behave, as strong as they are.

For example, my feelings of affinity toward my Gender Identity, and disdain towards my vastly larger Gender Experience as a male demonized masculinity to me. This teetered my Gender Expression away from masculine until I got over it. There is two types of masculinity and femininity: Hard and Soft. For example, if you have a 43″ hip, and 34″ waist, 33″ when I am being kind to my body, you have a hard femininity. If you have 38″ hip, and 36″ waist, you have hard masculinity. Hard femininity and masculinity are your sexual alignment with developmental averages for males and females with your physical dimensions, and they are the ones that are fairly inflexible after puberty.

Soft masculinity and femininity are your fluid expressions of embracing or not embracing the earlier. Essentially, men’s and women’s clothing is “cut” differently for entirely non-cultural reasons. Gender expression as masculine or feminine extracted from culture relates to what cut of clothing you wear. I can make clothing personally, so I understand cut to a degree. Men are very square build, and women vary to a greater degree generally being more curvy. It’s why sizes are different. For example a 34″ waist male jeans are tight on my butt and loose on my legs (like boho pants), but a women’s size 10 fit perfectly.

Now, lets put this in scope, though you have already realized it. I’ll give an example: when I wear a skirt, which I like because it makes me look sexier or cuter, also makes me nervous. I don’t want to become someone’s sex object, while at the same time I want to be attractive. I like to feel attractive, and my need to fill that varies from day-to-day. I like to feel attractive for myself, before I try for others. But sometimes it conflicts with my insecurity about being identified as a stereotypical female/transfemale, or of being sexualized by others which I know men do. I should be able to dress as sexy as I like without the fear of being targeted; however, that is not the reality of our culture.

What you hate, is like what I hate. I hate the boxes that exist because I fit none of them, but sometimes my presentation gets me put into boxes. You like to be attractive, but hate the cultural phenomenon associated with what that means for your Gender Experience, Gender Expression and Gender Identity. For me I either say, “I don’t like how men and women look at me when I wear X”, or “I don’t give a fuck what they think, I am going to wear X anyways”. I go through the same feelings you do, but for different reasons, different articles of clothing. Also my gender experience as being trans is important too. As a transwoman my gender experience is as a woman and a transwoman simultaneously.

My gender experience since transition makes me hesitant to be hyperfeminine as some transwomen are, because I perceive hypersexuality to be bad. So sometimes I hate skirts to avoid stereotypes about transwomen as well. However, physically my hard sexuality is androgynous. My physical proportions are in between male and female right down to my digit ratios. I was curvy as a man, and I am curvier now, but I have strong shoulders, and muscle mass. I have an oval face, but a pronounced European nose. I have a high volume of hair, but a male hairline. I have big eyes, but an androgynous brow-line. I am androgynous not because I line in between, but because I am a hard gendered buffet of clearly male and female attributes.

Physically speaking I look intersexed, thought I can’t confirm or deny that conclusion without more evidence. So the more feminine or masculine I dress the more amplified my androgyny is. If I dress like a male, I seem more feminine through contrast, if I dress female, I seem more masculine through contrast. But when I dress closer to androgyny my body presents my gender identity in my appearance more clearly. My body speaks more volumes about my inner femaleness than either extremes. I am still wearing women’s clothing, so it says “woman” to people who see me, but I am dressing where I feel attractive and other people find me attractive as well though that is not my intention. I feel attractive for me, and for no one else; though sometimes my boyfriend gets a treat to it.

Whether other people feel I am attractive is inconsequential to my identity. It’s important to remember though that the want to be attractive is genderless, and entirely separate from Gender Identity, Gender Expression, and Gender Experience. You are experiencing your gender as Mx. Punk now, which is simultaneously hard gendered and asexed, much as experience duality in gender experience. As a trans, affirmed queer, non-binary blip experience mixed feelings about being trans though I thoroughly enjoy experiencing gender as true to my inner self.

Do what you want. Wear boy pants with a knee-high skirt over it, and button up boy shirt with girly bracelets and a girly vest over it just to tell people “This is my gender, now fuck off if you don’t like it”, if you want. I was contemplating doing something like that, though I haven’t done the shopping yet because I can be lazy. I have been known to wear a dress over jeans, or a boxy button up and a skirt, so that would be the ultimate “FUCK OFF”. I am thinking of pulling this off this page and making an entire blog out of it.

Gender Anarchy makes me think of pirates for some reason… Gender anarchy pirates? Anyhow, I officially christened my word press with the last part of the trifecta (blood, sweat and tears). I apparently eviscerated my finger on the aluminum foil from my frozen lasagna from Target, and got blood everywhere keyboard included. X_x I think the world needs some serious tranarchy. If I ever incite tranarchy there will be photos (and cake). I totally added that word to my dictionary. You should make a wiki-entry for it.

YouTube music video that is just one of many things I find inspiration in for understanding life. Science is fun, so is understanding gender, and understanding ourselves.

Reneta Xian (Scian)

This is my blog where I write stories from my perspective as a trans* person, stories that give represent the GLBT community in my favorite genre, Science Fiction!

Getting started with Rene…

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