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May 04, 2017

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A fascinating new survey from Fox News asked Americans their opinions of a number of political leaders and politically relevant organizations, with the option given to respondents to write in their own choices. In a shocking twist, the participants overwhelmingly wrote in “that guy who used to do Verizon commercials but is now with Sprint” as the overall most favorable figure in America.

The survey takers who found the Sprint (formerly Verizon) Guy “strongly favorable” cited his alleged “dedication to consumers” in aligning himself with the company that “offered the best deal at the time.” The few respondents who viewed the corporate representative unfavorably found his lack of loyalty and shifting allegiances troubling. No one seemed to acknowledge the fact that he is a commercial actor who was paid to promote one company and when his contract ran out with that organization, accepted payment to promote a different company.

Surprisingly, the elite combat unit known as the Navy SEALs took only the second spot, with some respondents seemingly bitter about how much attention SEALs get compared to other members of the military. It should be noted that an unusual number of participants in this poll were Army Green Berets, Air Force Top Gun pilots, and the little known elite members of the Coast Guard called the Swashbucklin’ Boys.

Another write-in was Dirty Jobs actor Mike Rowe, polling just below Elizabeth Warren and Mike Pence. Respondents were split between favoring Rowe for his “down to Earth blue collar folksiness” and disfavoring him due to the fact that despite holding himself out as an expert on American jobs, he is merely a television show host and “human embodiment of those pre-muddied Nordstrom jeans.”

Per usual, “stingy burrito makers,” restaurant workers who don’t put enough meat, cheese, beans, sour cream, or guacamole into customers’ burritos, were ranked at the very bottom, with some poll respondents becoming so enraged at the memory of a bad burrito experience, they hung up on us.