LOS ANGELES – In a shocking move, film studio Lionsgate has cast fiery Arizona governor Jan Brewer as the chainsaw-wielding maniac “Leatherface” in the upcoming horror reboot, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is the first time a woman has played the iconic role in any of the five films in the series, dating back to 1974.

“We couldn’t be more proud of the governor,” said Brewer’s spokesperson Lefty Enright at this afternoon’s press conference to announce the casting. “The way she has hacked away at civil rights for Hispanic people and eviscerated the idea of health benefits for same-sex couples proves that she knows how to lash out in a clumsy, brutal fashion, just like a crazed killer who skins people alive and makes clothes out of them.”

Enright denies that Brewer was chosen for the part because of her weather-beaten, craggy appearance.

“What’s a sister gonna do? She lives in the desert.”

The film’s director, Pinky Middleton, said he chose the governor because he is a supporter of women’s rights and wanted to make a statement.

“Janice has proven that a woman can be just as nasty and hateful as a man. I hope, by giving her this role, I can shift the landscape of our society’s perceptions in a way that only art can.”

He also said, “I can’t wait to see her cut a dumb teenager in half.”

In other governor-related film-casting news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has recently signed on to play the part of a bitter, angry, emotionally stunted man who is shouts people down and calls them idiots when they ask him questions he dislikes. Until his rage boils over and pushes his blood pressure into the red, causing a heart attack.

Set in 2013, the film is tentatively being called, “The Chris Christie Story.”

LOS ANGELES – Actress Zooey Deschanel, who is set to play herself in the upcoming Zooey Deschanel biopic, Zooey Deschanel’s Existential Solution, found herself on the front page of the popular fake news journal The Anvil today in what some experts are calling a blatant attempt by the satirical news media to draw clicks from unsuspecting Deschanel fans.

“It’s particularly appalling to bandy about Zooey Deschanel’s name in a fake news story,” says media analyst and International Blindfolded Dart Throwing Federation champion Sir Edmund Bollocks. “A good fake news story uses satire to mock the caprices and eccentricities of modern society. What has Ms. Deschanel done that is both topical and begging for criticism? Nothing. Shouldn’t we be skewering the current political process instead?”

He also said, “Did you notice how many times the article uses her name in an underhanded effort to manipulate search engines? It’s Zooey Deschanel this and Zooey Deschanel that. I bite my thumb at any villain who sullies Ms. Deschanel’s good name in this way!”

Deschanel is believed by many to be overly adorable.

In an odd twist, The Anvil also mentioned obscure 1970s Italian movie director Sergio Martino in the same article, though the retired filmmaker has no known connection to Deschanel. Martino’s 1972 film, Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key bears a name so unwieldy that scientists say it is statistically impossible someone would type it into an internet search box.

The strange, contradictory move has some experts questioning The Anvil’s motives

You thought I was making it up, didn't you?

“I’ve never heard of Sergio Martino,” says Bollocks, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s part of an Italian film syndicate that’s in cahoots with a fake news industry bent on promoting films with horribly unmarketable names. Don’t be shocked when you see the name ‘Sergio Martino’ appear in the article several times.”

TOKYO – Godzilla, considered by many to be the world’s biggest movie star, may find his career in shambles following revelations he fathered a child by another woman while married to Mrs. Godzilla.

The mystery woman, who has not given her name, came forward last week to declare that her five-year-old son was the offspring of the cinematic giant. She said she was suspicious from the beginning when the child hatched from an egg and resembled a dinosaur.

“I wanted to believe it was my husband’s, but inside I knew the truth,” she said in an exclusive interview today with The Anvil. “Still, I wouldn’t trade that one night of passion for anything.”

The woman’s husband was quoted by witnesses as bragging, “My wife did Godzilla!”

The Mystery Woman

When the allegations first surfaced, fans and entertainment reporters alike expected a quick denial from the saurian star. When none was forthcoming, suspicions were aroused. Then came the bombshell: Mrs. Godzilla’s public announcement that she was separating from her husband after 25 years of marriage.

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR,” she said, maintaining her composure in the face of reporters’ probing, sometimes intensely personal questions.

Godzilla quickly admitted to the affair and said he would take full responsibility for the child’s educational and financial needs.

Though he was praised for being forthright about the scandal, Godzilla’s star status is taking a hit, as is his bank account. The actor was fired today from the upcoming Arnold Schwarzenegger biopic, How Green was My Governor, in which Godzilla was set to star as the popular Austrian bodybuilder-turned-politician. Now, the dream of winning the academy award that has long eluded him may go unfulfilled at least a while longer.

Rival monster Gamera, The Flying Turtle is in talks to replace Godzilla on the film. Gamera won an Emmy last year for playing the island in the series finale of the TV show Lost.

Gamera, rising star

Godzilla and Mrs. Godzilla had no children during their two and a half decades of marriage, though Godzilla has a son, Minya, from a previous relationship.

Godzilla was briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor in the early 1960s.

He rose to fame in Japan in the 1950s when he starred in legendary director Akira Kurosawa’s The 700-ft Samurai. His first American film was Giant, in which he played the titular character opposite the late James Dean. His biggest hit was the film Immense (1999), the sequel to 1997’s Titanic.

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Life takes strange turns, doesn’t it? For example, until a week ago, I never thought I’d be reviewing a fashion exhibit for an entertainment blog, yet if you go check out my new story for Pure Film Creative, that’s exactly what happened.

Here’s a sample of it from the Alexander McQueen show currently in New York. Click the link above to read my take on it.

LOS ANGELES – ABC producers have to be lamenting their decision to hire Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan as co-hosts of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, which aired Sunday night. What started as a promising idea ended in disaster when the erratic stars stayed true to recent form and nearly sank the broadcast with their bizarre behavior.

Sheen, whose sitcom, What Happened to Emilio?, has been put on hiatus for the remainder of the television season, showed up 20 minutes late, forcing producers to fill the gap with old Popeye cartoons. The troubled actor walked on stage fully nude and, instead of delivering a monologue, beat up a prostitute and shouted profanities for 5 minutes. He was arrested and taken into custody by police just before the Best Animated Short film award was announced, prompting presenter Tom Hanks to quip, “What the f**k?”

Audiences were shocked when many of the favorites in the major award categories, including Natalie Portman for Best Actress and The King’s Speech for Best Picture, failed to capture statuettes. It was later alleged that Sheen’s co-host, Lohan, had stolen the sealed envelopes announcing the winners and replaced them with her own. The originals were found in the trunk of Lohan’s car, which she initially claimed was not hers, despite the registration card in the glove compartment with her name on it.

She later said, ‘Me and Price Waterhouse Cooper are, like, really good friends, so I was just borrowing the envelopes from him.”

To her credit, the plucky star finished her hosting duties without the help of Sheen.

Despite the grumbling of some nominees who walked away from the awards ceremony empty handed, ABC producers said that, once a winner’s name is read on the air, the victory is official. With that in mind, here are yesterday’s winners in the major categories:

Millions of television viewers heard those words sung last night as Deidre “Dee” Kay of Tennessee was crowned the first-ever Miss Teen Zombie USA. That’s when Corporeal Entropy as a Result of Dental Aggression by Cannibal Corpse became America’s song. And young Ms. Kay became America’s Zombie.

Kay, who was not expected to challenge for the crown, overcame stiffening competition from runners up Miss California and Miss New Mexico, thanks to her combination of talent and charm. Miss Minnesota, the favorite going in, was shot in the head by a redneck last week and thrown onto a bonfire, thus forcing her to drop out. Another contender, Miss New Hampshire, had to exit the pageant early when her arms fell off.

The event, which was broadcast last night from the Uneeda Medical Supply Pavilion in Los Angeles, featured 18- and 19-year-old undead women from 49 states and the District of Columbia vying for the Miss Teen Zombie title. Kay impressed the judges during the talent competition by eviscerating a screaming human with her teeth in less than three minutes. When asked what she planned do if she won the competition, she told the audience she wanted to host the first zombie cooking show.

“While I can shred raw flesh was well as anyone,” she said, “I want to teach young zombies that paprika and steaming intestines can co-exist on a dinner plate.”

Kay also said she wants to make sure all zombies to have equal access to embalming fluid, which she drinks daily and credits for scaring away flies.

After pageant host Larry King placed the tiara on her head, an emotional Kay said, “I’d be crying right now if I weren’t so desiccated.”

Profile of Deidre Kay, the new Miss Teen Zombie USA

Age at time of reanimation – 18

Favorite movie – My dinner, Andre

Favorite TV show – *&@! My Dad Says When Gnawing on a Femur

Favorite song – I love the Dead by Alice Cooper

Favorite literary character – Hannibal Lecter

Favorite historical figure – Lazarus

Most embarrassing moment – “Shouting ‘Braaaaaiiiiinnnnssss!’ when I met the First Lady Michelle Obama last year. I had planned to say something more profound. She looked perturbed.”

Lohan, notorious for shoving too much food in her mouth at once, was said to have ordered a menu item called “Death by Meatball” at MegaPasta, a popular eatery on Santa Monica Boulevard. According to sources at the scene, Lohan’s friends warned her not to attempt downing the spicy, round delicacy in one try, but the actress laughed them off and did it anyway. Seconds later, her face was turning purple.

A drunken Gibson, who happened to be dining there at the same time, allegedly mistook Lohan for his ex-girlfriend Oksana and began accosting her.

A waitress at the restaurant told the Anvil that Gibson shouted, “You ugly, purple-faced skank. I hope you get dry-humped by a gaggle of rabid kangaroos.” Allegedly, he then slammed Lohan against the wall, and the force of the impact dislodged the object from her throat.

Paramedics arrived a short time later and treated the 24-year-old actress at the scene. Gibson, a follower of noted first-century pacifist Jesus Christ, asked EMS workers if they were Jewish and, without waiting for an answer, began uttering anti-Semitic comments. He was quickly removed from the building by restaurant security.

“Patrons should know you can’t chew one of our meatballs whole,” said the restaurant’s manager, Luigi Cozzi. “It’s almost the size of my fist.”

Lohan was reportedly out celebrating because she learned she’d been cast to play Britney Spears in an upcoming biopic about the pop singer.

“Britney is such a screw up,” Lohan told The Hollywood Reporter just hours before the choking incident. “It’s sad what she’s done to her career. I hope this movie shames her into getting help.”

The busy star is also playing Paris Hilton in another biopic that starts shooting in the fall. That film, tentatively titled Famous for No Freaking Reason Whatsoever, is expected to be released next summer. Lohan, a method actress, has gone so far as to arrange a jail stint for herself later this month so she can fully understand Hilton’s life experience.

And in an odd twist that can only happen in Hollywood, untroubled actress Megan Fox has just been signed by New Line Cinema to play Lindsay Lohan in a biopic about Lohan starring in the biopics about Hilton and Spears.

Not to be outdone, Warner Brothers studios has just greenlit a biopic about Megan Fox playing Lohan playing Hilton and Spears. The role of Ms. Fox will be played by Gary Oldman. Also scheduled to appear in the film are Samuel L. Jackson and Sir Ben Kingsley, who will portray each other.

So where does Mel Gibson fit into all this?

Despite the numerous controversies surrounding the star, Gibson continues to direct and produce his own films. The man behind the international smash The Passion of the Christ plans to begin shooting a historical drama this fall about British oppression of Nazis during World War II.

“If you’ve seen my films,” Gibson said in last week’s issue of Fascist Aficionado, “You know what rotten people the British are. It’s time the world leaned the truth.”

GULF OF MEXICO – Move over, Milan. Watch out, Westminster. There’s a new animal fashion capital and it’s called the Gulf of Mexico.

That’s right. The animal fashion industry has been caught flat-hoofed by a new trend sweeping the southeastern United States. They’re calling it “oil chic,” and today’s cosmopolitan critters can’t jump on the bandwagon fast enough.

Dressed in shiny black, the “Oil Chics” seem to have a nose for sniffing out photographers, and they don’t mind strutting their stuff for television cameras either. The look appears to be spreading, too, as more and more animals are riding the fashion wave.

But how did industry insiders not see this coming? Aren’t they supposed to be the pros?

Bill Duck, editor of Quack, a style magazine geared toward young waterfowl, says, “This shows you that street-savvy young animals decide what’s hip, not a bunch of feather puffers in a boardroom somewhere. You can market a new trend, but trends make themselves.”

When asked why she has adopted the new style, Londoner turned Louisiana marshland resident Trina Mallard says, “It’s a bit of all right, isn’t it? And it’s cheap too. All I have to do is go for a dunk and I come up all black and shiny. Beats spending loads and loads at the mall.”

Not everyone is impressed with the new style.

“Big deal!” squawks local crow, Chet Byrd. “I’ve had that look for years, and I do it without becoming flammable.”

Byrd’s friend visiting from out of state, a peacock named John Plume, thinks the look is ok, even if it makes him feel even more like a colorful outsider.

“When a trend catches on this fast, it dies out even faster,” he says. “They’ll all go back to being white or gray, and I’ll still be the sexiest thing on two legs.”

The week’s worst red carpet disasters

LOS ANGELES – Two red carpet disasters took place in Los Angeles this week within a few hours of each other, and neither involved Bjork or Mariah Carey.

The first incident occurred at noon on Wednesday, when terrorists lost control of the box truck they were driving and it crashed through the window of Tony’s All-Red-Carpet Carpet Emporium on 14th street. The truck burst into flames, destroying the store and its inventory. Luckily, the fertilizer bomb in the back of the truck did not explode, and the store’s employees and customers, as well as they terrorists, escaped with minor injuries.

Tony Shag, the store’s owner, says sales were slow anyway and he’ll be glad for the insurance money.

The suicide bomber driving the truck was quoted as saying, “Whew, that was scary. I thought I was going to die.”

Across town three hours later, a TV crew filming the reality show We Remodeled Your House Without Consulting You was shocked when an enraged homeowner attacked and killed the show’s host, designer Arthur Deco, with an ax. Police say the homeowner, Les Borden, became incensed when he returned from work to find red wall-to-wall carpeting installed throughout the entire house. He then ran to his workroom, according to the police report, and emerged swinging the weapon. Deco was pronounced dead at the scene.

Kristen Stewart is rushed to a hospital after she sprained her face trying to smile

HOLLYWOOD – As if vampires and werewolves weren’t bad enough, Bella Swan now faces an even graver threat: The words that come out of her mouth.

Kristen Stewart, who stars as the put-upon heroine in the Twilight film series, courted controversy in a recent interview by comparing fame to sexual assault. She has since apologized, but that didn’t stop her from telling reporters at the MTV Awards two days ago, “Earning millions of dollars to pout on camera is like getting kicked in the crotch all day. It sucks.”

After being forced to take the role of Bella at gunpoint and then enduring the adulation of millions of fans, the long-suffering Stewart may have reached her breaking point. Last week she underwent a painful surgical procedure that enables her to smile, simply so she can stop injuring her face trying to look happy once in a while. But her new grin will never mask the pain inside.

“I just want to be like everyone else,” she says, “either working for minimum wage at the mall or generating a hundred-thousand dollars in student loan bills that I’ll never be able to pay off while I slog away for 50 years as an insurance claims processor.”

OJ Simpson finally finds the Real Killer: Joran Van der Sloot

By Lacy Thundercake

LIMA, PERU – Dutchman Joran Van der Sloot is only two land masses into his quest of murdering seven women on seven continents, and he’s already hit a snag: OJ Simpson.

Simpson, who was acquitted of killing his ex-wife Nicole and innocent bystander Ronald Goldman in 1994, vowed to one day catch the real killer. And, according to Simpson’s lawyer, that day is here. It’s none other than Joran Van der Sloot, (alleged) murderer of American Natalee Holloway.

Unfortunately for the former football star, both he and his quarry are incarcerated for separate crimes several thousand miles from each other.

Simpson is currently serving a 33-year sentence for kidnapping and armed robbery, while Van der Sloot is being held in connection with the murder of a 21-year-old Peruvian woman. Van der Sloot was seen on a security video entering a hotel room with the woman last week and emerging alone a few hours later. The woman was found dead.

“We just wanted to identify the real killer, not send him to prison,” says McShady. “After Joran is out of jail and finishes his little killing spree, we have a proposition for him.”

It is believed Simpson plans to pitch a sitcom about two criminals who miraculously get away with murder once but are so dumb they brazenly commit a second heinous crime and are caught.

It may be a while before the program hits the airwaves, though. Van der Sloot has yet to kill a woman in Antarctica, a task which is difficult, experts say, owing to the sparse population and lack of tourist hotels.

Maybe it’s her sweet blue-gray eyes or girl-next-door freckles, but the Reaper continues to spare the tabloid princess, despite her increasingly bizarre and self-destructive behavior.

“Being weird isn’t usually fatal,” argues Mr. Reaper, though that sounds to us like an excuse. After all, he didn’t seem to feel that way last year when he claimed hitmaker-turned-superfreak Michael Jackson.

Across the country this week, office workers are angry or giving up on ‘dead celebrity’ pools altogether.

“Oh, come on,” he says. “Who’s going to make money playing those odds?”

MEGAN FOX DISSES; STEVEN SPIELBERG DISMISSES

HOLLYWOOD – Raven-haired beauty Megan Fox has been fired from the new Schindler’s List reboot by director Steven Spielberg, leaving the future of the superhero franchise in doubt.

The original film featured Irish actor Liam Neeson in the title role, playing a factory owner inspired to save his workers from Nazi oppression. The remake was to have gone in an action-oriented direction, with Fox starring as Desiree Schindler, a fascist-fighting superbabe with a magic lasso and the power to turn into a flying robot.

“We like that she has experience with effects movies,” executive producer Jerry Bruckheimer said at the time Fox’s casting was announced. “And, based on her comments about Mr. Bay, it’s obvious she dislikes Nazis, which is important for this role.”

But that was before the outspoken Ms. Fox made some questionable public observations about the first Schindler’s List film and its director.

“I can’t believe it was black and white,” the actress told reporters last week. “I mean, are we in film school or something? And the German accents. Why would Germans speak English to each other with a German accent?”

She went on to say, “Maybe it was black and white because [Spielberg] lost so much money on Hook, he couldn’t afford color film. Have you seen Hook? It’s shocking that, after they watched the dailies at the end of the first day, they didn’t scrap the whole thing right then and there.”

A disappointed Spielberg pressed a button yesterday, making Fox’s career vanish.

STARLETS, HEIRESSES WEARING MORE UNDERWEAR, SMOKING LESS CRACK

LOS ANGELES – Much to the chagrin of tabloid journalists and purveyors of celebrity-skin websites, several young actresses, singers, and heiresses have started wearing underwear in limos and stopped (allegedly) smoking crack. Some are no longer shaving their heads or attacking cars.

Paris Hilton’s cootchie has not been seen in public in two years, and Britney Spears hasn’t displayed bizarre, freak-out behavior (or her cootchie) in nearly as long.

Some blame the crack shortage that has devastated Los Angeles this spring, but others put responsibility on an even more insidious trend: Listening to one’s publicist. Hollywood gossip mongers now believe publicists have been advising clients against making internet sex tapes and using hardcore drugs. Let’s just hope these young ladies don’t listen to such wretched advice for long.

No word on when politicians and athletes will find out cheating on their wives with nightclub strippers and porn stars might cause a career glitch.