Monday, March 22, 2010

Anyone who has lived in a condo building or apartment building knows there is always “that weird guy” in the complex. His name usually ends in a “Y”, like my name is Bobby, Robby, Jimmy, Mikey, Ronny, Billy, or Kenny… Well I have my own weird guy. We’ll call him Timmy. I met him as soon as I moved in while I was packing my truck to go to Michigan, he walked right up to me and introduced himself. HI I’m TIMMY; I live on the 3rd floor!

Me: Holy fuck where did he come from! Hello, I am Malina.
Timmy: I live on the 3rd floor! Where do you live?
Oh Jesus Christ…I look at him a bit closer and realize he may be “special”

Yup…he’s special. Since I used to work with mentally challenged people I was nice to him and didn’t treat him any different. He told me he works at Jewel across the street as a bagger, lives on the 3rd floor and is epileptic. He asked me where I was going and I explained to visit family. I smiled and say ok it was nice meeting you and go inside. Byeeeeeeeee!

I have 2 very dear friends who have epilepsy and it has never made them behave or dress that way!
Like my good friend "Kenny" here...see he is TOTALLY NORMAL.(love you, your hair looks pretty)
So a couple days later I am unpacking boxes in my first floor condo and OH HELLO there’s Timmmmy! Face plastered to my screen door.

Me: Umm Hello? Are you ok?
Timmy: Hi Malina! It’s me Timmy from the 3rd floor! What are you doing?
Me: yes I remember you. I am unpacking boxes. (Which he should have known because god knows how long he has been watching me)
Timmy: Oh do you need help I don’t work on Wednesdays I can come help you
Me: Oh thank you but I think I can handle it. (Why does he still have his face on my screen dooooor?)
Timmy: Ok, well if you need help I am just up on the 3rd floor, right above you. Byeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Me: ok byeeeeeeeee (I don’t ever want this dude above me)

So several of these screen door episodes go on….and now I am getting pissed. If he can hold a job and live alone he understands boundaries!
One day me and my friend Nicki are enjoying pizza on my couch and guess whoooo? Yep. Timmy pops up on my screen door.

Timmy: hey Malina! It’s me Timmy from the 3rd floor!
Me: Hi Timmy, how are you? This is my friend Nicki.
Timmy: Who’s your friend?
Me: this is my friend Nicki
Timmy: is she your sister?
Me: no this is my friend Nicki
Timmy: So she’s not your sister?
Me; no, first name “friend” last name “Nicki”
Timmy: oh ok (still standing there like I am going to ask him in)
Me: Ok Timmy we are gonna go out now.
Timmy: Ok byeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nicki has now seen what I have been talking about and is tears, Fuck you Nicki. I will send Timmy from the 3rd floor to your house! LOL

One time I saw him coming to my screen and I hurled myself into the other room and hid for like 5 minutes and came out and he WAS STILL THERE!!!! Now he is officially a peeping tom and is freaking me the fuck out. So I act like its not beautiful summer weather out and close all blinds and turn my A/C on. Hoping this would deter him….

Then it happened…I came home one day and found this letter under my door.

(Click picture to see larger)

Awww come on man! Don’t be any weirder than you already are! WHAT THE FUUUUCK! Slingblade has a crush SWEEEET. Here is his hot match.com picture....shirts? fuck shirts?

Its me TIMMY from the 3rd FLOOR!

MMMM HMMMM its TIMMMY from the 3rd Floor! I like mustard and biscuits...MMMHHMMM

My response via email: “Timmy, I am flattered by your letter but I am not interested in you like that. Also I would appreciate it if you would respect my privacy and not come up to my screen door."

Timmy’s response:

Dear Malina,

OK I am terriblely sorry about that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I will promised to leave you alone for your privacy and not going to your screen door all the door ok.Is just that it surprised me that I found you on Match.com ok.I will leave you alone ok.If you feel comfortable to talk to me email me anytime ok.

Timmy your friend

Ok now I think we have this settled…Slingblade isnt gonna crush my head or use me as a doll WHEW! He will leave me alone and I don’t have to worry about him anymore right?

I got this email a few days later…

Dear Malene,

Hello and Happy Fourth of July to you.I just wanted to let you know that.You have pick up delivery from UPS that I found out by mailbox today. They told me you are not listed?I do not know why?Please find out about it ok on your way out from work.

Timmy

WTF! Leave my mail alone! And you forgot how to spell my name all of a sudden? eghhhh…I ignore this email and the fact that he is messing with my mail…giving “special dude” yet another break.

Then I get this email…

Dear Malina,

Hello and I am so terriblely sorry about the letter that I have given you last couple of weeks or month or so.Hey good news is that,I found someone from Yahoo messanger and her name is Suzie Holtz, she is hearing impaired and lives in Racine,Wis, she used to live in IL.She has two sisters, one in Palatine, one in Berwyn.I just wanted to let you know about it sinced I found someone I truely liked ok.You have great week ok.

Friend,Timmy

Alright…that’s fuckin it! Did he just DUMP ME in some weird guy kind of way? Set me free to see if I return? I am happy deed da dee “A” found dee da dee “B”! good for you two! It’s bad enough I am single but this fucktard found someone, and is rubbing it in? That’s it. If you want to find me I will be the crazy lady with scruncie in my hair, standing in front of the pet store in my housecoat, with used Kleenex in my sleeve and an old TV guide in my pocket. FUCK THIS NOISE!

Ok, ok I got it together…and knowing I will get him back in a fabulously passive aggressive way someday. Wait for it……wait for it….

That day came yesterday when I saw this taped to the mailboxes in my building. (Click pic to see larger)

I’d recognize thatCraYonSeriAlKilLeR handwriting anywhere! And who else would take the time to TRACE OUT THE LOST KEYS? TIMMMMY!

So here is what I taped to the mailboxes today.

Godspeed Timmy! I feel slightly better about dealing with his crazy ass.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

This is an email I got from a guy on match.com. I have never spoke to him before and never once had mentioned SEAFOOD in my profile.
I am pretty sure he is a freak, socially inept, or seafood is code for some weird sex shit I am not aware of.
6 references to SEAFOOD is not the way to woooo a woman into dating you Jack...

Friday, March 19, 2010

So one sunshiney day I am driving from Illinois to Michigan. I get hungry so I decide to stop at my favorite oasis (now that I am not scared of them anymore) I pull up to the drive thru and say:

Me: Hello
No answer
Me: Hello? Hola?
McDonalds Girl: Jes allo would jew like to try balue meal tobay?
Me: Ah no, just an ice mocha and a small fry please
McDonalds Girl: Jes ok would jew like to try a new wrap?
Me: Ah no, just a ice mocha and a small fry please
McDonalds Girl: Ok small fry ice mosha
Me: jes, Hello?
No response…..
At this point I am still sitting at the speaker and no one is answering me. I hear fire trucks but don’t think anything about it. So after a few minutes I pull up to the pick up window. No one is there.

Me: Hello? My fries? Hello? I smell smoke…they are burning my fries!

Me: Medium Ice Mocha please? Hello?

Now my inner fat kid is freaking out a bit. The fire trucks are AT the oasis.

A small Mexican girl comes to the window and literally throws fries at me. And runs away.

Me: Hello? Ice mocha please? Like Milton from Office Space

Me: Are you on FIRE? Hello? ¿Hola? está allí fuego?

Me: ¿HAY el FUEGO? is there El FUEGO in EL MCDONALDS?

10 minutes of this and it still hasn’t dawned on me that the MCDONALDS IS ON FIRE.
Soooo, no ice mosha then? I took my fries, didn’t pay and got back on the road. I look in the rear view mirror and see the smoke billowing out of McDonalds behind me. I GOT FREE FRIES WEEEEEEEE! LOL Adios Mikey D’s! and godspeed!