Adventures of Zen Cowgirl living and being in Texas

We went fishing tonight, to catch catfish for tomorrow's dinner. The catfish only begin to bite as dusk descends, so we fished until we couldn't see our bobbers any more. I tripped on the way home in the dark and skinned my knee. Prescription: A soaking bath in eucalyptus, tea tree oil, grapefruit seed extract and Patchouli Considering that we had just caught and killed 7 catfish, it was fair payback. Blood for blood doesn't seem like an unfair trade to the Universe. Creation always finds a way to balance herself.

When I started my Circle of Self journey four months ago, a search for balance was one of my primary goals. My bath was a good time to find it. About fifteen years ago, in a book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I read that every person has a Word which summarizes their mission in life. I immediately knew my word was BE. I have come to know the indivisible shadow of that word is Balance.

I recently returned from a vacation with my extended family. Three generations spanning almost 70 years, made possible by the financial foresight of our deceased parents. I confess to being a typical self-employed entrepeneur; I took my computer, self-improvement material, documents to review and "projects" to work on. I participated in one corporate conference call and finished one macrame bracelet. Shamelessly, I spent the rest of my 7 days enjoying sun, surf, sand, sons and siblings (as well as grand-siblings and siblings-in-law).

When I came home, I had to fight the primal message that I must "pay" for the time off. That somehow my good times must now be offset by bad (suffering). Instead, my morning meditations show me a vision of discipline leading to peace. At the start of this month's moon cycle, my focus was on working with my creative self to create balancing among financial, work and leisure aspects. I am experiencing how love and nurturing feed productivity and growth. The best self-discipline is fueled by love and Love knows the fruits of discipline.

My image of the traditional Yin and Yang symbol is dynamic, not static. I envision it as constantly swirling. The light or dark contra-point in each half growing to subsume the original. Then a point of the opposite aura immediately appears in the center of each color to repeat the cycle.

The yin-yang symbol is central in my life-imagery. I've rendered that image in tie-dye, macrame, window art and doodling. In my life, my creative drive leads me to leave things before they are finished. Then the unfinished things fester until they swamp me and I have to deal with them. Soon, all work and no play make Jill a cranky wife and mother, and I need some horse-time to get me back in balance.

I have spent much of this month facing and embracing my constraints. Tonight I can see how they are interconnected with my talents. The blossoming of one part of my life pulls behind it the seed of its counterpart. Recognizing it as an ebb and flow; the swirling yin-yang, I can utilize the balance that is inherent in the cycle of life.

I realize how my constraints and struggles are also the source of my greatest feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment. I am coming to value the effort I put into daily accomplishing tasks such as bookkeeping or housekeeping. Doing so gives me peace of mind for playing with my horses or playing my guitar. Each time I experience that small dot in the center of either side of "creativity" or "productivity" growing and cycling through, I know I have grown.

After all, work without creativity is not truly productive and creativity is only wind without work to bring it to life.