Monday, September 26, 2011

The two dumbass "hikers" who perhaps strayed over the border into Iran and had been imprisoned for the past two years have finally been released. And let me just tell you that given their apparent attitude about what happened to them and why, I hope their next hiking trip is along the border of North Korea. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that if I were just freed from an Iranian prison after my country forked over a million dollars for the release (well, $500,000 apiece), I'd be a little more grateful to my country and a little bit less bleeding heart pacifist. Maybe that's just me, but I don't think so. Those people seem to be completely out to freaking lunch when it comes to how country's deal with one another. And their stance on the relationship between the United States and Iran is simply mind boggling.

See, I wasn't going to rip into these people until they were back on American soil. I figured that maybe they had to say certain things when they were still over there. That makes sense to me. Praise the soul of President I'm A Dinner Jacket all you want when you're over there. Compliment his stylish Members Only jacket if you must. But after your $500,000 flight touches down in the United States, I'm going to be expecting you to start singing a different tune. And when you don't then I'm going to be angry when you blame the policies of the United States for Iran's actions against you and your two dumbass friends.

I don't know how many different ways I can say this, but I guess I'm about to try another one. There are people in this world who want to kill us. There are people in this world who do not give a fat rat's ass about our Western democracy and our freedom. It has been that way for thousands of years. And guess what? It's going to continue to be that way regardless of the policies of the United States. I wish that they had been more specific as to which U.S. policies they are so opposed to, but from what I can tell, their statements were their version of "Can't we all just get along?" (And by the way, the answer to that is "No". No, we can't all get along. Yes, it would be very nice if we could. But we can't. It's called human nature; perhaps you've heard of it?)

Let's look at some of their ridiculous statements that they have made since returning to the U.S. (And I'm going to go a little light on Josh Fattal. He seems to be the most reasonable one out of these three delusional idealists. Shane Bauer and Sarah Shourd seem completely clueless as to how international relations work. No wonder they're engaged. They even look alike.) Here's one made by Shane Bauer: "I would like to be very clear: This was never about crossing the unmarked border between Iran and Iraq. We were held because of our nationality." Hmmm. Yeah, see, I've got news for you. It totally WAS about you crossing the border. It was about you crossing the border AS an American. And you knew that the U.S. and Iran are not exactly on friendly terms, yet you chose to hike in a dangerous region anyway. And for some reason, you're surprised at how things turned out for you? Odd. I'm not surprised at all. I'm surprised that you're out as soon as you are, but the other stuff doesn't surprise me at all.

What else does Shane have to say? Well, there's this: "Sarah, Josh and I have experienced a taste of the Iranian regime's brutality. We have been held in total isolation from the world and everything we love, stripped of our rights and freedoms." Yes. That is exactly what has happened. But the part about being stripped of rights and freedoms? See, he's under the wrong impression that the freedoms and rights of the United States are applicable without fail in other countries. That's not how that works. And besides, if you're in jail ANYWHERE you're stripped of you're rights and freedoms. That's how jail works. Moron.

I think this is my favorite little outtake from Shane's speech: "However, we do believe that these actions on the part of the U.S provide an excuse for other governments, including the governments of Iran, to act in kind." Right. So, let me get this straight. If, IF the United States ceases to use prisons such as Guantanamo Bay and other CIA prisons then, THEN other countries will be nicer as well, right? It's only because of the "poor example" that the United States "sets" that makes other countries want to hold idiot hikers in prison for over two years, is that right? Good God, make him go away.

In neither one of their little speeches have I heard nearly the amount of gratitude being paid to the United States as I would have liked. They have a lot of nerve implying that the US policies with freaking Iran (of all places) led to their situation. We the taxpayers paid your bail, you little utopian-building hippies! (Which, by the way, was quite the gesture on our part considering that Bauer and Shourd had been living in Damascus since 2008. That's in freaking Syria! They chose Syria over the United States....except when they needed a little help? Shocking.) How about a little thanks for that?! (And don't tell me that it was Oman that paid the ransom (which is essentially what it was). Oman posted the bail. That means they gave the money to Iran. The U.S. gave the money to Oman as the U.S. doesn't have diplomatic relations with Iran and had to go through other channels. Posting the bail and paying the bail are two totally different things.)

They all act like they're surprised that Iran is big on taking hostages. (Fortunately, neither of the gents made any mention of how they wished that there was a US Embassy in Iran the way that Sarah Shourd did when she was released. I mean, I thought that we all knew how that turned out. Apparently not.) And their vision of how the world works is complete fantasy. I'd really like to know what they would like our policies toward Iran should be. I mean, this is a country that would like to see Israel blown off of the map. It's also a country that is working hard to get a nuclear weapon. (Hmmm. I wonder what they want to do with nuclear arms. I can't imagine, what with all of that built up hatred toward Israel and all.) What do they want our policies to be?

I hope these three go away and are never heard from again. But I know that's not going to happen. I know that there will be a book or a Lifetime movie of the week or a slew of TV appearances. And if I have to put up with that, then I also hope that they'll pay back the money that was spent for their release. Is that too much to ask? Maybe that would help our relations with them. Idiots.