I am on a journey to creating a lasting relationship with God while finding a way to live a life of worth. I am learning, slowly. I am fighting for recovery from anorexia and bulimia. I'm in recovery from self-harming, alcoholism, and drug addiction. These things may be in my past but that is NOT me, anymore. This is learning about healing and forgiveness. This is my journey and struggle from the tight grips of a deadly eating disorder and addiction. These are my steps to full recovery, freedom and salvation. I'm trying to find my way by creating my own voice and walking with God.

Tag Archives: alcoholics anonymous

This morning was wonderful. I went with my sponsor to my home group this morning and finally received my 2-year coin! Not to mention, my sponsor handed down to me her own 2-year coin, and it is probably my favorite, most special coin I have in my collection of sobriety change. It is mind-blowing that two years ago, I was searching desperately for the answer if I was even an alcoholic, let alone getting sober, and staying sober. I’ve been through a handful of sponsors, and now have one that is near and dear to me. She knows her shit and works the program. I love how my AA life is today.

I remember when I was hopping from meeting to meeting, and things felt unstable. I’m happy in my home group. Another thing that was precious was watching the other 20 something alcoholics getting their coins for various anniversary time. It warmed my heart to see families proud of their loved ones, the hugs, and continuous hope in how AA brought broken people together again.

What I shared when I was given my coin — That a year ago, I struggled with being an alcoholic (why me? why did I have to go through this? why do I have to be this way?) and today, more so even recently, I’m finding a way to turn something damaging into something positive. I’m finding my purpose.

Hello my fellow friends, bloggers, readers, warriors! I have been absent lately; but I decided to sign in and check in on my lovely little page, and I found that I had some messages, new followers, and kind words. I was very dedicated to this when I first got sober, and life took over, then rehab happened, and then life took over again. But, I’m happy to share that on January 1, 2014, I celebrated 2 years sober. This is so exciting.

While the first year mark is a big hoo-haaa, this year was more quiet, but meaningful. In fairness to myself and my followers, I have much to update and hopefully, I will be posting regularly once again. In the past six months, prior to my silence on here, I managed to get a new sponsor, re-work my fourth step (currently still working on this), enroll back to school to work toward my masters degree in mental health psychology (I will one day be a masters level licensed drug/alcohol counselor), have lost several sponsees, but have gained new relationships, and to date, I just recently filed a resume and cover letter for two different rehab focused job positions. I must wait and practice patience for potential interviews, so fingers crossed.

I still struggle with my anorexia and OCD. It’s weird saying those things because I have blocked off the terminology for so long because it reminds me that I have an illness I must not give up on. Recovery has ups and downs, setbacks, triumphs. And it’s okay. I’m not perfect, so far from it, but I am grateful and a work in progress.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

It’s been a very busy several months and unfortunately, I have strayed from continuing to document my progress on this road to recovery. There are so many places I could start but it seems easiest to back-track from where I am today. I’ve now been sober more than 21 months, a miracle I never saw happening. I may have forgotten how much of an alcoholic I was (still am) almost two years in. However, it is something I no longer have the freedom to choose. I cannot and will not ever be able to drink safely. And that isn’t a death sentence. Sure, it is really difficult trying to keep my brain and cravings that come up occasionally under control. It’s very difficult being a 24-year-old in this world. Everyone seems to be so focused on the next high, the next party, or the next lay. It appears that in this generation, it has become an every-day behavior to just have sex, shoot up, snort, and get plastered drunk. While I may not understand the joy in partying, I understand the pain and turmoil that was constantly a party host.

Of course, I’m human and a young adult woman, so it’s only normal to sometimes forget the truth in what goes on in parties or social gatherings today, but the thing that always needs to be on the front burner of my brain is that no good comes out of it, at least for me. I’m truly blessed that God did not allow any more destruction to happen in my life than what has and today it’s a process of acceptance. Am I able to genuinely say, ‘hey, yeah, that happened, but it’s not who I am, and God promises everything happens for the good of his people.”

Romans 8:28 – And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, who have been called according to his purpose.

Those are some encouraging words, but not necessarily the easiest to apply in times of trial or struggle. But, I am trying. I’ve managed to lose a couple sponsees, but also gain another who has hit a very deep bottom. I hope that God gives her the strength and calls her back to Him so that she may get her life back. I’m blessed to have this opportunity and if I was not sober, or even passionate about helping others, I wouldn’t be in this situation – and for that I am grateful.

So as far as my sobriety recovery goes, I’ve come to attempt to practice the reality that while yes, I am an alcoholic, that is not my identity. A wise man shared with me a few weeks ago that I no longer need to use that as my title, regardless of if I am in a meeting or not. The truth is, as said by this wise man, that my name is Brittany, and I was lost and dying as an alcoholic and drug addict, but I am in recovery and walking with God as a new creation.

One of the biggest changes in my life has been enjoying the simple fun things without the need to have a bottle or glass in my hand. It’s also interesting to focus on the fact that I am in a place of my recovery where I can go to functions and the thought of a drink never crosses my mind. That’s a miracle. That’s God. That’s sobriety and that’s a gift.

Tonight I went out with some girlfriends. After such stressful weeks, it seemed that we all needed a night out. Every once in a while, I get this itch I need to scratch to go out dancing and previous attempts to have fun with the wrong company always left me anxious, emotionally hungover, angry, scared, or miserable. But with the right company, and true friends, a drink genuinely becomes the farthest thing from your mind.

I don’t want to speak for other alcoholics, especially us in young AA, however, I do find that the common trend of those on good spiritual grounds, working a good program, that fun and events involving alcohol are possible and actually stress-free.

For myself, tonight was one of the best times I have had since my early sobriety, since before I ever took a drink. Honestly, it all comes down to the people, the friends, and the trust that make it all worth it.

I had so much fun dancing with the girls, people-watching, and laughing hysterically. From the moment I sat in gum (which clearly would happen to me), to a random woman saying that she liked my dress and it matched her underwear, to the phenomenal older man who danced like it was his job, to the special old people, disco, and stepping on a mans foot to get him away because he was a total creeper, each moment was special, another laugh line that will show on my face when I’m older, and I remember this night.

I love my new friends in AA and I can’t believe on July 1, I will have one year and six months of sobriety. Healing has happened, and I’m so grateful for the changes, internally, blessed upon me by my higher power. By midnight, we were all ready to turn into pumpkins and go to sleep, sore and tired. But the biggest highlight is that I won’t wake up hungover tomorrow, and I get to remember it all.

It’s been a real trying couple days. In addition to the loss of my little hammy, I had to manage a crisis with my young sponsee — the 15-year-old. It’s sad but she simply just stopped doing the things that help keep us alcoholics sober. I was at a meeting and she showed up high out of her mind. While it was sad to watch, I knew that she just was not ready to let go of drugs.

Yesterday, I finally said to her, “What are you doing? What do you want to do?” She responded that she wasn’t going to drink or do “drugs” anymore, but she was not ready to give up pot. I simply told her that I can’t help her if she is going to continually get high. It really sucked having to let her go. Basically, I said that I would be here, will always be here, and that when she hits her bottom and is ready to get sober, I will more than willingly help her. I want to help her now, but I can’t get sober for her. It’s hard to see someone you want so badly to get this, and they simply cannot. At least I planted the seed, so I am told.

But, I just pray her bottom is not as bad as mine was. The funny thing is though, that my life is just ah-ha. God clearly is the driver of my life. I was having a really bad panic attack yesterday after work. I had this impending doom fear, that something really bad was going to happen. When I got to the club house, not long after I arrived, a new woman with only 17 days walked in needing a sponsor and help. Again, I have a sponsee. It seems that God keeps bringing me people when I need it the most.

Not to mention that this week I fired my sponsor because she was being emotionally abusive. That was hard to manage as well. But I did get a new sponsor who I have connected with well over the past 6 months and I am excited to start working with her tomorrow.

One of the biggest trends I have noticed recently is the people in AA who do not follow the program fully, and go back out from alcohol or drugs. Sometimes, I’ve been surprised — at other times, I’ve been waiting for it to happen.

In a non-judgmental away there is truth and a lesson in their decisions. While it sucks to see people you love go back out, there is that immediate reaction of “Oh, SHIT!” but then it sinks in that ‘oh, that could have been me.’

By watching these unfortunate individuals, including my young sponsee, and I see them go in and out. Something that I had learned — I got sick of the ins and outs. I hope that my little one can learn from this. I truly pray for her. And anyone reading this, please take a second to pray for her. Regarding the lesson — these individuals, as much as it sucks, go out of the rooms and pick up again so that we don’t have to.

Nothing in AA says that relapse is mandatory and nothing in AA says that you have to drink again and again to be able to come back. I know that feeling of impending doom that strikes the minute that taste kicks in, the truth that there may not be coming back from a relapse.

As I had mentioned in an earlier entry, I have been sponsoring a young girl. The interesting thing about being a sponsor is the fact that I truly can tell when certain things are happening. My little one, the fifteen year old, relapsed the other day. Well — I knew this. But I needed her to tell me and she did. Because she is so young, I am not surprised. But also, I promised her that I did the same thing when I first came in, and that I know how she felt. I also told her that I was not quitting on her.

She said she was so sorry, and I replied with what people told me — be sorry to yourself. She only stands in her own way. While it does suck, it hurts too, I cannot get HER sober. The hopeful thing is that she said she’s ready now. Truly ready. I hope this is true. It’s just hard to see. Again, I knew it was coming but it was still a downer.

I can only hope that she trusts me and that she will fully do what I suggest. I know why she picked up again — she didn’t do 100 percent of all the suggestions that I made to her. And that’s okay. She’s back in a meeting tonight and said she’s processing a lot.

I also promised her that I won’t give up on her, because no one every gave up on me.

Part of the gig of sponsoring I guess. But I have faith in her. I still do and will.