An Open Letter To My Editors At Unconfirmed Sources

( I open this way, dear readers, because those that review and allow my work to be posted only sign their emails to me as The Shredders. It gives me bad dreams some nights.)

It’s been just over a year now that I’ve been with Unconfirmed Sources…my first story appeared on August 26, 2004. By the way guys, thanks for the flowers from LeftOvers.com . I’m sure the family of Festus Goodbody had more than enough floral displays at his funeral. Anyway, I’m sure you had no idea that ragweed can cause severe allergic reactions. It was the thought, anyway.

At any rate, I’d like to thank you all for giving me an outlet to give the American people my views on world affairs and to offer my continuing support of George W. Bush and the Evangelical Christian Movement. Not man people get a chance to be heard by a large audience…of course, my audience isn’t large which just proves my point really. But that’s not your fault. Well, maybe it is, but I don’t blame you for that. Well, maybe I do, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. Well, maybe it is, but let’s leave that for a moment.

This is such a sad time for our country. As we all watch the death of one of our most beautiful and funky cities…the water, the fires, the looting and gunplay and quite frankly wonder at the silence of our President, who, except for some pointless platitudes offered during one of his whip up the troop speeches in San Diego and a comfortable fly over in Air Force One on the way home, I find myself unable to find anything humorous to distract you all from the pain and suffering. For this I apologize. And this is actually the point I’m trying to make.

There are other e-zines I post on, or used to post on. One shall remain nameless for the purposes of this missive, but the reason I no longer post there is that it’s a purely spoof site and they would never allow the serious pieces I sometimes find myself compelled to share with you. Unconfirmed Sources has no such restrictions on allowing me to look as stupid, biased and uninformed as I want. I am eternally grateful for that.

Please accept my heartfelt thanks for the last year. It’s been great. By the way, I think there might be a screw up somewhere in the accounting department…I haven’t been getting my checks lately. Can you look into that? Hello? Hello? Damn, I think I’ve been cut off.

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.