I’ll probably lose a finger.

I keep starting a post then moving on to another one without finishing the first one and now I have like a crap-ton of four sentence drafts staring at me like I’m a loser. Luckily, this came in the mail the other day.

An electric knife sharpener!? It’s like Christmas won’t stop coming.

Me: What the…Why?

Volker: It’s here! Now, I can sharpen all of our knives and even your scissors!

Me: Don’t you go near my scissors with that thing. We already have a whetstone, honing rod, and a couple of those red things with a sharpening slot which, now that I think about it, is probably red so the blood from freshly severed fingers will blend right in…why do we need this?

Volker: All of those things are crap. This is like magic.

Me: How much did this magic cost?

Volker: That’s not important.

He then gathered up all of our knives and headed out to his shop* – he was sort of bouncing – this made him very happy.

To show off his work, he came into the kitchen with a freshly sharpened knife and a piece of paper. He sliced the paper and looked at me, all wide-eyed, as he waited for my shrieks of delight and amazement.

Me: What the hell? Ummm. That’s very impressive. I mean, paper…wow.

Volker: I know!

Seriously, y’all, boys are weird.

In all fairness, the knives are now very sharp. Stay tuned for follow-up posts about emergency room visits and how I wish I was ambidextrous. I give it a month.

*We live in Bella Vista, where everything is built into the side of a hill, so our garage has a walk-out basement. This is Volker’s shop. It’s full of cinder blocks, a play station, cigars, a used once bowling ball, testosterone, and knives. I never go in there.

Anyone need a red sharpener thingy that might make you cut off a finger?

American German – language lesson #109

Aber, er ist niedlich. (Abba air ist need-leek) But, he’s cute. That makes up for all of his oddities.

Oh, your Volker and my Stalker would get along famously. He loves to sharpen knives to the point of shaving hair off the forearm. And then he ends up cutting himself with other things like screwdrivers and paper.Suzanne Lucas recently posted…Can I Get You an Ambulance With That Bandage?

I’d be afraid to introduce them. “Look, my knife goes through a tree branch.” “Oh yeah, mine goes through bone.” Volker almost cut off a finger BEFORE this electronic sharpening thing – this won’t end well.

About Julie

I’m the chick. The handsome guy is my husband, Volker. I was raised in a tiny town exploring creek beds and fishing holes in Northeast Oklahoma. He was raised in a large metro area in Germany exploring museums and all of Europe. It’s almost the same. Ten years ago he loaded up the truck and moved to Bentonville; Arkansas, that is, swimming pools and Wal-Mart. Read More