If you’re looking to rent a property, Damon Blake has a handy guide to get it rented quicker and easier.

So, you probably woke up this morning and realised that those seven chalets you purchased five years ago have been doing nothing but gather dust, itinerants and dusty itinerants. You begin musing to yourself. Maybe if you rent them out you can make a bit of money that will help support your Rick Astley addiction, which you’re never going to give up.

“Hey,” you might think, “let’s put an ad up on one of those renting websites! That way tenants come to us, we don’t have to get in a real estate agent who only took the property on so they can lease the bedrooms out to Meath pornographers who want to shoot scenes between the 2.30 and 3pm viewings”.

But it’s not as simple as slapping an ad up on the internet.

Drimnagh, Dublin 12.

Offered: HOUSE. Contains: HALF A TOILET.

You’ve got to sell. Like Don Draper does, in that way that makes me wet in my mouth.

DESCRIPTIONS

You can never write too little. It tells the tenants about what they’re going to see. Is there an electric shower? Does it have character? Oh, is it cosy? I hope its cosy. I like it when I’m watching TV and my knees touch other people’s knees. Thank you cosy, you really brought me and my housemates together. We’d have never have found out that we don’t like our protruding bones touching each other until we were in a horrific car accident.

At a minimum when you’re asking someone to pay at least 9600 a year write a goddamn paragraph you lazy son of a bitch.

PICTURES

Did you know there’s an option in Daft to only show properties with pictures? Everybody else does! If you don’t choose this option, you’re asking people to take a gamble and take the time to come see your property. And gamblers aren’t great with paying the rent.

Aaaaany sort of picture will do. Even something like this:

Some people go over board though.

This does not help anyone.

Okay, before I show you the next photo I found on Daft, I want you to clear your mind. Imagine you’re floating in water, submerged, suspended, with no history or future ahead of you. This moment in time, that is all there is.

You simply exist.

Right, now look at this:

This was put up in an attempt to get people to rent their property. They were quite proud that this was their children’s room. What…what is going on with Eeyore? He sure is popular today! Why is Christopher Robin off in the corner with the kangaroo? Where are its hands?

There’s definitely something horribly, horribly wrong with Piglet. He’s too gleeful in turning his back to the debauchery. It’s just…I don’t even want to try and figure it out. My brain weeps.

CONCLUSION

Finally, when submitting your ad, if you’ve given a contact phone number, ANSWER IT. ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE. THAT’S WHAT IT’S THERE FOR.

Dixon Coltrane answers your questions, and teaches the boys of Ireland how to be men. Leave your questions for Dixon on the ‘Real Men Smoke On Airplanes’ Facebook page, edited by Jon Hozier-Byrne.

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Dearest Dixon,

In a day and age where strippercise is considered a fun and legitimate work out, you’d think man would be the master of all he surveyed. I, however, can only feel myself being crushed under the thumb of my domineering lady friend.

We watch what she wants to watch, we eat what she wants to eat, we dress how she wants to dress, it’s just depressing.

As the days pass and the seasons change, I feel my sense of masculinity becoming a distant echo in an echo-y cave, in the past. As you can see, she’s got me writing really shitty prose too.

Frankly, I’m disturbed by the sway she holds over me, and was wondering if a man of your standing could help me out.

Yours,

Jack’s Raging Bile Duct, Apartment 6, Merville

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Listen here Jackie-boy,

It’s good you came to me first. I’ve dealt with more dizzy dames than Douglas Fairbanks, but take it from someone who writes excellent prose all day long; dizzy dames are dime a dozen.

Top-notch ankle won’t respect you if you let them walk all over you. I’ve known some broads who’d drain you dry and leave you without a penny to your name if you let ’em. They’ll leave you lying naked in a flea-bit six, holding your own film-flam. Sometimes, a man’s just gotta say no.

Romance is dead, sonny boy, dead as vaudeville. It’s time you stopped bending over backways and frontways for a piece of frilly skirt-sandwich. It’s time you bucked up, buckled down, and started being a real man.The first step is to drop that double-breasted floozy as if she was hot, drop her like a Chinatown roscoe. Sure, it’s never easy to lose a dame, just like it’s never easy to lose a buddy to the switchblade red, but Jackie-boy, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.Now you’ve given that two-pot tramp-daisy the bum’s rush, it’s time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and earn some self-respect. Buy a suit, and get it pressed. Wear your hat at a jaunty angle. Take up chain-smoking and only speak in when necessary, if you can manage to respond with exclusively monosyllabic answers, then you’re halfway to manhood, son. Maybe get some venetian blinds for your bachelor pad. You want top o’ the line gear, none of that cheap stuff – all the better for staring at suspicious folk and the like.

Then get out there and meet some new lady friends who’ll treat you with the respect you deserve. Be assertive with your new lady, but never hit her – unless she’s a commy, then you can send that who-ore straight to Hell. Instead of throwing punches, throw out a devastating one-liner or two, just to ensure your rugged embrace is all that broad thinks about.

If that doesn’t work, why not audit one of those stippercise classes? They sound like a grade-A hoot.

Background

Dana was born in Islington, North London to a King’s Cross station porter father. [2] King’s Cross is one of London’s busiest and most dangerous stations which means he probably killed someone or at the very least helped to dispose of a body. [3]

The family were forced to relocated because of the harmful effect of the London smog had on the children. [4] It didn’t help that the house foundations were perched on top of a quadrant made up of four chimneys. Unable to chim-chimerying around the rooftops of London, the family relocated to an area known as the Bogside overlooking Derry‘s historic city walls, which are not to be confused with Galway city’s historic Walls Brothers who made up two-fifths of 90′s chart toppers The Stunning. [5]

Dana’s father was musical and played the trumped in his own dance band, The Imperial All Stars. Given the tensions at the time experts felt that the bands name, The Imperial All Stars, was one that “only a total wanker would use“, [6] especially considering the abundance of other group names that had yet to be taken. Among these were The Chieftains, The Crickets, Weezer, The Beastie Boys, B*Witch’d and Babylon Zoo. It was said that Dana’s father could have called his band The Don’t Fuck With Us Band and would have probably provoked less consternation. [7]

Fifth born and youngest daughter, Dana won her first talent show at the age of six. [8] This set in motion the bloody wheels that would see her become a television talent show host, presidential nominee, rapture supporter/instigator, facilitator of the apocalypse on earth and eventual Boss of Irish Heaven. [9]

1970s - Eurovision victory and Pop career

After many victories in talent shows, Dana’s headmaster took her under his wing and wrote songs for her. [10] Dana’s first stab at Eurovision victory saw the teenager coming in second with the song Look Around which was written by another old man. [11] Dana’s Eurovision victory in 1970 at the age of 19 with All Kinds Of Everythingwas a huge boost to the country [12], and marked its first victory in anything since the Most Gracious Invadees trophy bestowed on the nation by the Normans in 1169[13]. The song would spend nine weeks at the top of the Irish charts, a feat that would only be matched by such musical luminaries as Celine Dion, Bryan Adams and Richie Kavanagh. Only DJ Mark McCabe‘s “Maniac” has yet beaten “The Big Four” with ten weeks at the top spot. [14][15][16]

1980s

Like polyester suits and widespread cocaine use, [17] Dana enjoyed enormous success throughout the 1970s, where she ratcheted up many hits and accolades well into the next decade. [18] She scored a hit in January 1980 with her Pope John Paul II tribute “Totus Tuus”, which opened her up to larger American Christian markets while simultaneously monetizing her relentless sucking up to God[19] . Fans of awful music rejoiced later that year at the release of her album 20 Inspirational Songs, where she butchered such classics as Let It Beand My Sweet Lordin her inimitable style of tin eared ear offending tweeness that only a deluded brainwashed mad person could just about pretend to enjoy. As luck would have it, there were many such people knocking about in the early 1980s and Dana enjoyed enormous success until a ratification of mental health legislation saw a nation come to their senses. [20]

Her last UK chart entry, I Feel Love Comin’ On, waswritten by her brothers John and Gerald Brown. It was a hit largely due to the phrase, “I Feel Love Comin’ On Dana written by Dana’s brothers” which was popularised by DJs of the time. [21]Ever the trailblazer, Dana’s appearance in the video for the song was to inspire the demonic character Gozer from the popular Ghostbustersfilmwhich was releasedin 1984. [22]

1982 also saw her released the official World Cup song for the Northern Irish football team, Yer Man. This became the anthem of the team’s David-and-Goliath like World Cup victory which was dedicated to Dana in Dana fanfiction found scraped onto the back of an inmate in the Cavan Home For The Seriously Disturbed. [23]

Early 1990s – Broadcasting, Rejection of Religion

In 1991 Dana and her family moved to Alabama to pursue her second love of brainwashing and extorting money from weak minded hillbillies through religious and political propaganda[24]. Dana surprised family and fans in 1992 when she recanted all previously held religious beliefs after a brief conversation with atheist and comic book author Frank Miller in a lift [25]. Dana began a crusade to rid herself of her squeaky clean reputation by moving to Seattle at the height of the grunge music scene. [26]

1992 to 1997 - Burn All Churches, Spoken Word

Along with Mudhoney frontman Mark Arm, Dana founded the influential and highly controversial skuzz punk rock band Burn All Churches. Dana was in a different environment in Seattle; the police soon realized she was a member of Burn All Churches, and she was hassled as a result. Dana later said: “That really scared me. It freaked me out that an adult would do that. [...] My little eyes were opened big time.” [27]

Before concerts, as the rest of the band tuned up, Dana would stride about the stage dressed only in a pair of black shorts, grinding her teeth; to focus before the show, she would squeeze a pool ball. Her transformed stage persona impressed several critics; after a 1992 show in Anacortes, Washington, Sub Pop critic Calvin Johnson wrote: “Dana was incredible. Pacing back and forth, lunging, lurching, growling; it was all real, the most intense emotional experiences I have ever seen.” [28]

By 1993, Dana’s stage persona was increasingly alienating her from the rest of Burn All Churches. During a show in England, Dana assaulted a member of the audience; Arm later scolded Dana, calling her a “macho asshole.” [29]

Dana also toured doing spoken word performances which ranged from stand up comedy to more introspective commentaries on her childhood, such as her experiences in the music world and the hypocrisies of the church. She also spoke about experiences she’s had with eccentric people. Dana’s spoken word style varies greatly, ranging from intense commentaries on society to playful, sometimes vulgar, anecdotes. Her new career prematurely ended when she was arrested in Chicago for burning a hotel and sentenced to 30 years in prison. [30]

1997s – Politics

While serving time in prison, Dana returned to religion which led to her early release. “Sorry about all that” she quipped at the time [31]. She moved back to Ireland where she contested the 1997 Presidential election, coming third behind two actual real life politicians. [32]

2000s to Present – Politics

Like Robert the Bruce[34] and herself[25] before her [26], Dana would learn from her mistakes, coming second in the 2011 Irish presidential elections, before finally securing the Arasin 2018 in her “All Or Nothin’ ” themed campaign at the age of 69. Many speculated that the Dublin Spire would be removed as its “shape” had been derided by Dana as being suggestive. She would confound the critics and bankrupt the country by making a duplicate spire and hanging it horizontally across the existing spire’s mid section, giving it the appearance of a gigantic crucifix. [27]

Critics at the time of her second stab at the Irish presidency recognised that what she lacked in political know how and logical thinking, she more then made up for by being a right wing lunatic most famous for winning some singing competition, a victory which most of the country assumed predated the famine. [28] She is remembered as a wise and kind ruler. [citation needed]

We sent David Reilly to New York for the summer to find out how a Little Hipster in the Big City would get on. Here’s the first message we found in a Pepsi Max bottle that washed up on shore.

Earlier today I experienced my first earthquake. Calling it “My First Earthquake” sounds a little too much like an inappropriate Fischer-Price toy and is also a bit possessive. Sure, millions of other people experienced it too, many for the first time, but none of them are writing this article.

My initial reaction to the tremor was, “The towels on the back of the door are moving awful fast for towels on the back of a door.” By the time I’d scrambled off my bed and put on my trusted skateboard helmet, the shaking had stopped as if nature had realised there was nothing it could do to harm me now.

Your move, nature.

I think all in all the quake lasted about a minute. That may not seem very long, but if the earthquake was a show on an American television network, there would have been at least three commercial breaks in that time. Also, a minute is more than enough time for the entire East Coast to shit their pants six times over. Most buildings in Manhattan ordered the occupants to evacuate. The buildings themselves didn’t give the orders. Manhattan isn’t full of anthropomorphic buildings with a deep concern for the lives of humans. If you were hundreds of feet tall, made from concrete and steel and wore clouds as hats, would you care about humans? Didn’t think so. Where was I? Ah yes, evacuations. As I said the tremors last about a minute, which is a fraction of the time it would take to evacuate some of these sky scrapers. What if some poor fellow was rushing to the bathroom after needing to pee the entire way through a 45 minute meeting about the Johnson account.

He’d have to to further hold it in as he descended fifty something stories just to find out the quake was over. After the all clear, he’s in the elevator going back upstairs when, counting off the floors until he can finally relieve himself. Thirty five, thirty six, thirty sev-POP. His bladder explodes. All because of some over eager safety officer thinking he was the Arnold Schwarzenegger* of the health and safety world. By that I mean the saving of lives not the impregnation of housekeepers.There were so many people on the news who were on the verge of tears because their cat was woken from its early afternoon snooze or whose Pringles can almost fell off the kitchen counter.

I mean there were literally tens of people on the news with similar dilemmas. That’s not to say everyone was complaining. One woman compared the tremors to a ride at Disneyland. She was so excited she even re-enacted the noises that she thought an earthquake makes. It was both cute and sad in equal measures. Finally, ever the advocates of truth and neutrality, Fox News were running a story on how the earthquake had been organised by an underground alliance consisting of the blacks, gays, Al-Qaeda, single parents and the Mole People.

Update: Now we’re being told to expect Hurricane Irene to hit the city this weekend. Awesome. Somebody has decided to give divine control over the East Coast to Roland Emmerich.

*Fun fact: Arnold Schwarzenegger once owned a bricklaying business and profited greatly from the 1971 San Fernando Earthquake.

George Fox brings us the news from around the country in Humourisms Headlines.

Galway, Ireland.- Friends and family have gathered around Thomas Coughlin, who earlier this week broke up with his girlfriend while still only halfway through the 3rd season DVD boxset of his favourite show. Coughlin, 23, had been dating his partner Jessica Reid, 21, for 2 and a half years and the two were known to often refer to saturday evenings as “DVD night”.

“It’s an absolute disgrace, whats he supposed to do now?” said Coughlins father.

“What happens when he gets a new girlfriend? What if she’s never even seen the show? Is he supposed to start at Season 1 all over again? It’s not like he can just have a dvd night by himself, thats just weird.”

Reid was quoted by friends to have said “I didn’t even like that show anyway. And sure why should I feel bad? He never once tried sitting down with me to watch my shows! Tough luck for him, I’m spending my days watching “Gilmore Girls” and “16 And Pregnant”… It’s been deadly!”

It seems that there are few options left open for Coughlin since it’s unlikely he’ll meet a girl who is at the exact same point as he is in watching the show, although there is the slim chance he may meet a girl willing to read the shows wiki page. His father remains optimistic however, “Theres always a chance that a show like this that’s been going for a few seasons may do a clip show recapping the events of previous seasons. I guess we’ll just have to wait, and pray.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first post on Humourisms.com.

Eventually it will be replaced by a better post, its letters and punctuation pulled apart and rebuilt into a stronger, more powerful post. A Robo-post, if you will.

For now, this is your introduction.

Humourisms.com is where a group of comedians (some Irish, some not) get together and post comedy things each morning. Cartoons, videos, blogs, et set err ah. What we can guarantee you is that it’ll be nerdy, funny and original. Subscribe to receive updates on all our new posts, where we guarantee that you’ll receive something funny every day.