We’ve been asked to list our Editor In Chief’s typical dietary intake over a 24 hour period for a leading international health, diet, exercise and fitness magazine, basically in the hope that others will be inspired to attain a Café Spike level of fitness and mental agility. So what follows is a typical day in the dietary life of our esteemed EIC.

06:00 Open Mail Online. Post stupid comments to wind the idiots up. Three packets of crisps, more cigarettes, four cold beers. Stiff brandy.

08:00 Last night’s curry microwaved and served on thickly buttered sliced white bread. (4 Slices) Back to bed for a bit.

11:45 Whisky and double pepperami pizza or cheddar cheese on toast. (4 slices) Try to write a story for the magazine. Treble brandy. Put reading glasses on to prevent double vision. Type rubbish for a few minutes. Give up. Large rum and coke. Doze off in chair watching This Morning.

15:15 Wake up starving. Microwaved corned beef on toast with four strong lagers. Exchange FB messages with Frankie, our staffer in the USA who hasn’t been well recently. Advise Frankie that he needs to switch to a healthy lifestyle.

Following a barrage of negative publicity spanning a period of almost twenty years, the beleaguered fast food giant has gained a powerful – if unlikely – ally in the form of Internationally renowned Conspiracy Theorist – Professor Arthur Bostik.

It appears that Professor Bostik was moved to speak out following the online publication of a magazine article which squarely laid the blame for the disappearance of the Malaysian Boeing 777 on the Big Mac and fries retailer. The article alleged that the pilot of the aircraft had probably gone instantly and inexplicably insane as a result of eating McDonald’s burgers containing reclaimed meat, otherwise known as pink gunk.