12.25.2011

When I said I went through it all completely alone, I really just meant family-wise. Until I went to college, none of my friends were there for me, either. But I realize now (I have for a while) that I had ample amounts of love and support from everyone who knew. Becca was there for me, and always tried to help, as was Kenzie. Kira listened to every word, made sure I ate enough, and did everything she could to help me get better. Katie, Ari, and Whit never once judged me or looked at me differently, and that's a huge way of helping. So I really have had a large support system, filled with friends who love me. You all are such an important part of this experience, and I had to let you all know.
Thanks. I love you guys.

12.22.2011

I'd like you all to know how much I love and appreciate you. I am aware that I am likely speaking to a probable total of six readers, but those six readers are the best. I really take things in life for granted sometimes - friendships, family, opportunities, privileges, and often life in general. I miss the friendships that I once had but have now been put on hold, for any reason at all. While dining out with a friend yesterday afternoon, I began to speculate about how, unwillingly and almost automatically, I push away from someone once they know a lot about me. This has always been a downfall of mine, because I'm dying inside sometimes just to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but as soon as I do, it's like I can't stand to know that someone knows my secrets.

As you all know, Kira Horton is one of my best friends. This same thing happened between us our spring semester of college. As soon as I came clean to her about everything behind my eating disorder(which I'm not trying to keep a secret anymore), she was genuinely concerned for my health and safety. I felt so loved, and yet almost immediately after I told her, I felt like she knew too much. So I pushed away and we lost touch for a while. But, now we're back together, and we will always be besties without testies.

I also think I'd like to share with everyone a bit of what I've been going through for the past four years now. I don't know if I'll regret this, so may as well get it out while I'm feeling brave. While I was a sophomore-turning-junior in high school, I developed an eating disorder. I went from a size 9 pants to size 3, from 156 pounds to 126 pounds within a few months. I lost most of my hair, a lot of my memory, and wreaked havoc on my body. Looking back now, I know that the causes should have been obvious: attention from my parents, thinking they'd notice and want to help; control over the one thing in life I had any say in; having my own huge secret; wanting to feel powerful. And eventually, it became part of my life, a habit, a mindset. There hasn't been a day that's gone by when I don't think about this in some way or another. There's never a time when I'm not still suffering from the consequences of my actions. After being so malnourished, my memory has taken a huge hit. I barely remember names, let alone faces, of people I met merely fifteen minutes ago. My fingers, toes, nose and lips turn purple from randomly being cold. I have to lean against a wall to keep from passing out if I go more than an hour without eating or drinking. This is always on my mind...always. It will never leave me alone, never go away.
For four years, I've dealt with this alone. No therapy. No rehab. Nothing. I lost some of the greatest friendships anyone has ever had because of this disorder, and that was the worst heartbreak I've ever felt. I never got the help from my family that I wanted. One parent claims they noticed everything, knew exactly what was happening the whole time, yet I didn't get any help. Another parent was only recently told about everything this summer, and still, no help offered. Another parent still has no idea. I can't decide which has felt worse: the fact that someone knew and didn't bother to help, or the fact that someone didn't bother to notice.
Going through this alone has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Ever. I still carry resentment toward myself, the friends who abandoned me, and the family who wasn't there. Although it's made me stronger to rely on myself, it's also made it so hard to trust people, even my best friends, the people I love most. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I didn't write this for sympathy, or for attention, or as a cry for help. I'm just tired of keeping this a secret, and I'm hoping that by letting it out in the open, I'll be able to better overcome the parts of if that still block my path. I only hope that you're all there for me, without judgement or pity, and that you all know that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't a friend to me. I sincerely love every one of my friends. The redheads, the ukulele player, the english major/hawaiian dancer, the snorter, the hannah montana lover in wisconstin, and everyone in between.I'll be there for anyone who needs it, especially if you're going through what I am. Whether you're a friend or a stranger who just happened upon my blog, you don't have to go through anything alone.

12.08.2011

The more you Kohl's.
I hate Kohl's. I work there from six to midnight. More like 12:45 A.M.
It's helped me discover that I am far from a night person. I turn into the grinch once the clock strikes 10.
But! On the upside? I leave for China next month. Finally. It's so close!

9.20.2011

They cause me to make hasty decisions that occupy the foremost part of my mind until I pass out. Or until someone causes me to reconsider my random change of lifestyle.
For example, dreadlocks.
I still think they'd be pretty awesome, not going to lie. But, in hindsight, I'd probably look like an idiot.
But alas, I am still feeling the side effects of these painkillers, so I still want them.

9.16.2011

..I take pain medication when my back hurts worse than usual. It used to help me sleep. Obviously, that side effect has worn off, seeing as how it's five in the morning.
..I read two books in five days. In this case, the 630 page book was read in three days, the 290 page book in two. I feel like my old self. Which is freaking legit.
..I see a best friend after seeing none of her over the summer, and I realize that I never lost her. She's still mine. (But I can share.)
..I think about how things have changed over the summer. I've matured as much as an almost-twenty year old can mature. I've lived away from my parents for a year now, and I wish it's been longer. I could not have asked for a better set of roommates than the ones I have. They love me regardless of my flaws. They're my family.
..I become best friends with someone I should have been best friends with a year ago. It's one of the greatest friendships I've ever had, and I know it will last a very long time.

8.31.2011

8.21.2011

For the sake of two of my lovely friends - you know who you are - I will give you an update of my life. Because I know you've all been dying to hear it.
So, first things first. ANTM called back, I'm going to LA this weekend, and I have no idea what's going to happen with that. I'm not really expecting or hoping for anything in particular. Right now, it just feels like I'm going to LA for a weekend with my mom, so I'm not nervous. Nerves? Puh-lease.
I love life. It's awesome, this thing we all have. I mean, seriously. What's not to love? Oh, other than the fact that at least two different family members call me every. single. day. But, you know. Such is life. And I really do love it.
I may or may not be diagnosed with a 'syndrome' soon. Keep an eye out, cause I'll let you in on THAT secret soon enough.
And I think that's it, because I lead a relatively boring and uneventful - though marvelous - life.
Oh, and I have the best roommates. No one else compares. Because mine are the best, no battle.

8.01.2011

I am going to be in a bridal fashion show this month.
America's Next Top Model called me back.
My little sister asked me to design her prom dress.
This is my 100th post.
I feel so legit.
And, because I feel this way, I have started a fashion blog so I can feel as cool as the other fashion bloggers who actually know what they're talking about, whereas I, in comparison, do not.
But hey, who cares? I'm still pretty awesome.

7.29.2011

The decision has been made to eat healthy.
Recipes have been bookmarked. Turkey spinach wraps have been made. Eighty dollars worth of groceries have been bought. Goals have been set. Meals have been eaten.
In an ongoing attempt to feel great about myself, I have done something active every day.
Overall, I feel wonderful. Healthy lifestyles can really do something for you.
And to reward myself, I had a pre-breakfast consisting of three chocolate brownies from the Marketplace.
Thanks for bringing those home, Katie.

7.18.2011

I feel like updating the world with the newness of my life. I'm keeping most of it on the DL, but I figured I'd share some with my hundreds of dedicated followers.

So I work at a hardware store. And there's a man that works with me whom I am very attracted to. I had a cheesy dream about him last night. We dated, then something happened and he left 'forever', and then he came back some time later and proposed and of course I said yes. Now, keep in mind that I thought this was all really happening. Like, when I woke up, I thought I was dreaming of waking up, not actually waking up. So when it hit me that it was all a dream, I was bummed. I now plan on avoiding eye contact with said person for the rest of the time we work together.

I'm getting a tattoo. Just a small one on my arm, or my wrist. I've been contemplating it for some time, trying to decide if there's anything that's so important to me that I would mark it on my body forever. And, in the past couple days, I've decided there is. And you will all just have to wait and see.

Ari is coming up to Logan tomorrow. I am STOKED. We're going to Lagoon on Wednesday, and, once again, I am STOKED. Am I stoked? YES.

My little brother is seventeen now. It's just unnatural.

I'm planning on buzzing my hair off before I go to Africa. It makes me happy.

I am finally healthy. Not that barely any of you know the story behind that phrase, but for those who do, I'd like you to know that I'm healthy now. Of the million times I've felt like I've overcome it, this feels like the one that will last. I really don't think I'll relapse. Not after everything that has happened. So, to you all, thanks. For helping me through it. Means a lot.

7.11.2011

7.02.2011

Some of you may or may not have noticed that, for a while, I was kind of a Debbie Downer. I didn't realize it, but through a few of my posts, you could tell that I was feeling sad. So, for those of you who would like to know why, I want to give an explanation. This is going to sound slightly ridiculous, so bear with me.
It all started with The Hunger Games. I read all three books in one week, and on top of the antisocial lifestyle that caused, the books were also negative and depressing, so they rubbed off on me. Big time. To top it all off, I was missing family vacation, which totally bummed me out. I think, overall, that I was just missing my family. Because when I saw my dad and my friend Chelsey that week, I wasn't sad at all. But the sadness returned when I got back. Honestly, I think it was just my mentality. Happiness is a choice, and therefore so is sadness. I was choosing to see the negative in things. In myself. And then, a few days ago, I thought to myself, 'Why on earth are you acting so pathetic and depressed? You have nothing to be sad about.' And then, I was happy. And I still am. You know why? Because I am alive, and I am loved, and I have so many things going for me. So, there you go.
Love, Me.

6.30.2011

When I fall in love it will be foreverOr I'll never fall in loveIn a restless world like this isLove is ended before its begunAnd too many moonlight kissesSeem to cool in the warmth of the sunWhen I give my heart it will be completelyOr I'll never give my heartAnd the moment I can feel that you feel that way tooIs when I fall in love with you.And the moment I can feel that you feel that way tooIs when I fall in love with you.

6.29.2011

-It has recently been brought to my attention that I know some really, really incredible people. This includes, but is in no way limited to, Tiffany Pergler, Arianna Larkin, and Hannah Bateman. If you do not know them, you most definitely should. Because they will basically change your life.
-After watching The Bachelorette, I know exactly what I want in a guy. Or, more like what guy I want. For myself. Ben F. Mmmmmmmm. Something about that curly brown hair just gets me. And the fact that he's a man.
-I forgot how much I love working in hardware stores. Until now.
-I want to go to a cabin.
-While on my way back to Logan a few days ago, I heard on the radio about a 'Country Idol' or something, and I have decided to sign up for it. Oh yeah.
-I hate cold sores.
-I love hiking. I seriously love it. SO MUCH.
-There should be a thunderstorm in Logan, right now, all night.
-I am so glad I cut my hair this short. I love it. A lot. Therefore, I am going to keep it short for a long time....until I change my mind yet again.
-I'm watching Dan in Real Life right now, and I just realized that the cop who keeps pulling him over is Mr. Shoester on Glee. Don't believe me? Look it up.
-I have eaten so much today that I think I can go a week without eating and still not be hungry.
-Brushing my teeth makes me happy.
-My family is hilarious when they're not driving me nuts.
-Life, overall, is good.

6.24.2011

For how much I love my family, I hate them.
I hate them for going on vacation without me. For not trying harder to get me to go. And I know that would have been a little difficult, because I had three job interviews while they were lounging on the beach, but still. It would be nice to have someone who cared more about having the whole family going on family vacation than their daughter getting a job. Because that is seriously how it feels.
I've never missed a vacation with them. So that alone feels crappy.
And I'm used to knowing that if I were to randomly go home, they would be there. That's a comforting feeling. But right now, I want to go home and see them, and they're not there.
I wonder if they realize how selfish I'm being.
I don't hate them. I just miss them. So much. And although I've had so many unforgettable things happen here in Logan already, I would have traded them for memories with my family in a heartbeat.
Okay, that's a lie. I'm pretty damn fond of almost all of my Logan memories.
Take that, Havey Family!

6.20.2011

is messed. It's five thirty in the morning, people. I haven't slept yet.
Somehow, this is someone else's fault. I haven't figured out how, or even who, but it's their fault.
I had one of those weekends. You know what I'm talking about? The really crappy ones that feel like they will never get better? Well, even though mine got better, it was still one of the worst weekends I can remember having.
It wasn't because of anything or anyone in particular. Okay, that's kind of a lie. It was a lot of anythings and a lot of anyones all piling up. There were comments made that broke down the last bit of self esteem that I had. There are feelings between myself and someone else that I still can't figure out, which really stresses me out. My family left for vacation yesterday morning, the first vacation I haven't been able to go on, and I honestly don't feel like they even care.
I really didn't feel like anyone cared about me at all. I know, sob story. Usually when I feel like that, I can prove myself wrong and make myself feel better. But there was something about this time. I couldn't get out of this....depression. Some of my feelings truly scared me. I didn't think I would come out of it anytime soon, and I felt like no one had even noticed.
Alone. That's the best way I can describe it.
When I went to church, it seemed like each talk, each lesson, was directed to me. I was having a hard time appreciating either of my dads for anything they do, and of course the talks were on fathers. I've been doubting I'd ever get an answer to any prayer, and the lesson was about not expecting a big 'tada' moment to answer your prayers, but to find the answers in the little things that happen everyday, or in the things other people do for you. I felt unworthy, not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, and just plain awful, and the thought given was that we are all children of God, and therefore we are always fully and completely loved and cared about.
Finally, after days of sadness, I started to feel better.
Then my new bishop wanted to talk to me. To get acquainted. To know who I am. Talking to him, I started to feel like I was worth something again. His reactions and opinions and thoughts made me proud of my ability to stay positive, regardless of what I've been through growing up. That really hit home, especially because I didn't sugarcoat anything I told him. It was the straight up truth.
And when he gave me a Priesthood Blessing, he said all of the right things. More than what I told him. It was like I was getting a message that all of those things I'd been feeling would be proven wrong. And they were.
Sometimes, I forget how amazing the Gospel is, when all I have to do is look around me at all of the blessings that I am so grateful to call my own.
The end. Show's over.

6.10.2011

That is Cow. He was my favorite stuffed animal ever. I slept with him every night. Whenever I looked at him, I thought of the whole experience of the removal of my appendix, which I suppose isn't usually the greatest, but it was for me. He was my Comfort Cow.
And now, he is gone.
I had another stuffed animal that I slept with as well.

He's a cute little teddy bear with a purple bow. I named him Kenny, because that is the first thing I called him. And that is how I name things.
When cow disappeared, I slept with Kenny. (Lots of pun intended.)
Then, he and Berkleigh fell in love.

He is the only thing she does not put in her mouth. (This time, there is no pun intended.)
She sleeps with him by her side every night as well, and she stops crying when she sees him. I could not take that away from her, so I promised her she could keep him as long as she kept him forever and never changed his name.
So, there you go. I have no stuffed animals to sleep with.
How will I ever survive?

5.24.2011

Would everyone like an update of Sherece's life?
If not, stop reading.

School ended. I'm still sad about it. I've never actually wanted school rather than summer, but there it is. The want.
Honestly, though, I think I miss my friends and the times we had more than school itself.
I miss my roommate, Becca. I miss us dressing crazy and making videos or taking pictures. I miss staying up late and talking. Writing notes to make each other's day better. Quoting Penelope and YouTube videos. Everything.
I miss Whitni, and our long car trips. Also, our short and dangerous ones. I miss the snorting laugh. I miss just being able to talk to her about anything. I miss her understanding.
I miss Tom, and his chatterbox of a mouth. I miss making him happy.
I miss Ari. Hanging out in her room. Talking to her about her love life(because I really don't have one). Dancing to Nsync and going to Zumba with her and Hannah, who I also miss.
I miss Brant and his giggle. And perfectly manicured hands. And how much he cares.
Basically, I miss everyone I haven't seen in the last week. Apparently I need frequent contact. Just call me leech.

I went on vacation to California. I met Princess Aurora. I gave a guy my number. I got autographs from the characters. I basked in the sun. Now, I have freckles. LOVE IT.

I was going to be working for the Girl Scouts this summer at a camp for two months. However, because life gets in the way of these things, I am now going to get a normal job instead. Which means I won't be gone for two months. Which means I'll actually be able to hang out with people instead of tend elementary school girls. Hallelujah!

My dad got a house. We're going to fix it up. You know what that means? Paint. Lots and lots of paint.

I lost my comfort cow. The one I got when my appendix tried to kill me. How will I prove that all happened now? Even Kenny is starting to question the whole experience was real now that Cow is gone.

Oh, and one more thing. Remember all those changes my hair went through this year? The 472 times I cut and dyed it? Well, it's all done now. Would you like to see why?

5.06.2011

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Just like when we said goodbye today. I thought saying goodbye to you would be the easiest, because we're going to see each other so much this summer. But it ended up being the hardest out of all of them. I cried so much on the drive home, and all I could think about was that you were still in the dorms, and I could have been there with you.
You know that saying, save the best for last? I did that. Right when I decided to do these blog posts, I knew you would be last. Because the saying is true. Last is the best. Just like you're the best.

You are the best friend I have ever had. You know me better than I know myself sometimes. I've never had a friend as true as you. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I can't walk down the hall and come sit on your bed. There's no more going to lunch together. We aren't going to spontaneously decide to take pictures. We can't watch Tosh in the basement. There's no more watching movies in either of our rooms. You aren't able to complain about how hot my room is and open the window even though I'm still cold. We can't make dirty jokes all the time and laugh about everything. It's all over. I can't believe how fast it all went, and I can't believe how important you've become to me.

When I think about our first year at college, I'm going to think of you. We've done so much together. We've gone through so many arguments and inside jokes and deep talks. I've never had someone care so much about me, to the point tears when you're concerned for me. No one has ever cried because they're worried about me and my health. It really hit me, at that moment, how important you are in my life. You've been my best friend since we met, but it wasn't until then that I realized how much I mean to you, too. I feel so, so loved.

I miss you. I'm already planning on seeing you in two days, and I'm making sure we hang out a lot after that. But still. We won't be hanging out in our dorm rooms that had become home. It hurts so much when I think about next year without you. I don't know how I'm going to survive. You keep me sane. No one makes me laugh like you do, and I need that. (Yes, I am only friends with you so you can make me laugh. I am 100% kidding.)

You tried so many times to prevent me from getting hurt by guys. Even though I didn't listen most of the time, I always thought about what you said and that you were probably right. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. Maybe if I had, we wouldn't have gone through so many low points. But, then again, we wouldn't be as strong if we didn't go through all that. Just the fact that you stuck by my side means so much to me. Don't ever leave my side!

I love that my family loves you. Not as much as I do,but still. You are always, always welcome here. In fact, come live here with me. Keep me sane. Britny would love it almost as much as I would. You would just need a lesson on how to hold a conscious baby, then you would be good to go. :)

I tried to look through all of our pictures today. I don't think I'll ever have time to look at every single one. We have so many! I can't wait to add more to our collection. It's going to grow to a ridiculous amount soon. Maybe we'll get a world record for it or something.

I wish I were at the dorms with you. I wish I was in my room right now, posting this to your Facebook wall, waiting for you to read it so you can come give me a big hug. Then we'd hang out the rest of the night, probably make one last Walmart run, go do something that only the two of us would find even remotely entertaining, and then have a sleepover so neither of us are alone. I wish that would all happen tonight. But I know that I missed that chance, because now, it won't happen. Ever.

I feel like I still have so much to say. I want to thank you for everything, Kira. For being there for me. For loving me. For being the best friend I could ever ask for. You've helped me through so many things in my life. Because of you, I'm genuinely trying to be healthier. I want to live a long, long time so that we can be friends until we die. So you must be healthy too. I love you too much to not tell you to be healthy. You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. Both inside and out. You may not believe it all the time, but everyone else does. Because it's true. You are amazing. You light up my life, and countless other lives as well. That's how amazing you are.

I love you so much, Kira. You are more than I could ever ask for, more than I ever imagined. No one has a best friend as great as mine.

Love, Me.

P.S. Don't ever change, H.A.G.S.!

P.P.S. I couldn't decide which pictures to include, so I just included all of the ones that I could find. I love every single one of them. I hope you do too. :)