Not so merry

This past weekend was one of the most strangest weekends in nearly 20 years – yup, that’s exactly what I said, twenty years in the making.

In the last days of 1999 and the first two days of 2000, my grandfather has passed away unexpectedly of a massive heart attack on the family ranch, that has been in my family for many moons and generations since the 1940’s, I believe.

This weekend the urgency of my frantic mother calling me about the recent hospitalization of my grandmother was reportedly to have had another stroke, this time, it wasn’t a stroke – this time it was something more dangerous than a stroke itself, she was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in her lungs and another in her brain.

The revelation of the cancer adamantly took me back to the ages of stupidity and shame of why my only living grandmother? My step father lost both his parents as well, mother lost her only sister five years ago and my uncle while I was in high school in the early 1980’s.

I’ve watched my cousins grow and live their lives over the years, since my grandfather, aunt and uncle has passed. While she was in the emergency room, it was understood, that the worst could happen at anytime and moment, but, I would have to see what my mother has to go through now, as what my cousins went through when my aunt passed away.

I shame myself for not doing more in their lives and probably being the one hero of the family of keeping the family together – but, I guess that wasn’t my job this time around? Perhaps it was meant to be for someone else?

I really hate to see myself in those very same shoes as my mother, watching her only mother die slowly to cancer and such an age, that we and I had hoped that my grandmother would be around long enough to see me married and have my own kids and family and her grandkids.

I only feel that my life and time has been robbed with my grandmother, since my grandfather died. I still blame and shame myself for that day in which he passed away only feet away from his house, car and barn on the family farm – My cousin told me last spring it was worth keeping into the family as he knew there would be shames of truth to sell the property, but, as he had made the promise to keep it within the family – life would’ve been better and more merrier.

I can understand that God has ways and means with life in this day and age, I would hate to see my grandmother go without me to the other side, but, life must go on, no matter what happens in the long run in the moment of truth in Gods word and truth.

The other night, I blamed him for the mess and putting my family in more turmoil and stress, than ever before. I am affraid my grandmother’s time is only short and how short that will be will depends on how long it takes the cancer to advance and stage? There was no time frame given, but only an estimate of anywhere between a week to a six months, maybe longer? It all depends on the spread and advancement.

My world has been out of control since my Uncle passed in the 1980’s, life has never changed or recovered to the dreams I had hoped for and wanted to live. But, my grandfather has assured me that over time, my life would change and my world would be better off, if I had learned the ropes of life on my own? Perhaps that was not the plan, but Gods alone?

As I said, I had blamed God for the turmoil, but, I had asked him for forgiveness in return for me to live my life as a whole, but not to take my one and only assest of life – my mother, until it was time for me to go at the same time.

Life will be strange on the otherside and in heaven, but, it only seems more holy and spirital than one could think – God made things the way they are and life as a while, is what his plan for everyone here on earth.

Either heaven can wait or show me the money, I’m more likely to be at heart with Gods words and his will – I had only wished that he would send Jesus to tell me the truth the meaning of life before the countdown began.