Monkeyspeak: What photographers really mean

FLASH HARRYS: Photographers move in for a picture of Beatles drummer Ringo Starr as he goes into hospital to have his tonsils removed in December 1964. Bottom middle, in grey hair and glasses, is Bob Dean of Associated Press, bottom right is Frank Hudson of the Daily Mail, top middle is Sid Biddell and top right is Harry Sheldrake of Barretts.

Picture: Fox Photos/Getty

By PAUL HARRIS of the Press Association who spent a lifetime with the lensmen of Fleet Street

“FaaaaaaaaaaaKinnell: ”Good gracious me.

“Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”: Possibly

“Nokkit on de ‘ead and leggit”Pull out of this assignment

“Elbow dis” - (See above)

“Onya toes” - (See above)

Dis is a pileashit - tubbit: This print is not of the quality desired by the Press Association. Kindly place it on the picture spike.

F4: Term relating to photographic exposure

F off : A photographic term relating to positioning.

Flash: A photographic flash, or light therefrom.

Flash bastard: Rich person exhibiting poor taste.

“Bollux”: I’m sorry: I beg to differ.

Uplight: A light designed to “bounce” off the ceiling.

Up yours: A suggestion to cause immense pain.

Free 'undred: A long lens

Five ‘undred: A fucking long lens

Double: Device designed to multiply lens focal length by two.

Double bubble: Device designed to multiply income by two.

Stick: Colloquial term for monopod, a steadying device for a camera (as in Nikon on a stick)

Winnder: Elevated position

Tenna ferra winnder: Payment for above.

Getcha arse off me laddercunt: Territorial claim; derivation obscure.

Stakeout: Gathering of photographic colleagues awaiting person or persons in order to secure a

photograph.

Steak sandwich: Eaten by “dem cunts from ITN” on stake-outs, and never shared with stills photographers.

FERSILLITY: A photo-opportunity where you are unlikely to be shot dead.

SNATCH FROM THE BUSHES: A photo opportunity where you are extremely likely to be shot dead.

PAPPS: Unscrupulous freelances; or any photographers who bring the profession into disrepute by disregarding rules of play. Often get better pictures and make vast income.

WOODY: See above.

SHARIN: Working in tandem with one's colleagues.

SQUIRRILIN: Not working in tandem with one's colleagues.

STITCHIN: Pretending to work in tandem with one's colleagues, whilst simultaneously pursuing an exclusive picture.

STITCHES: Hospital treatment needed by those who practise the above.

DEFFWATCH: An excuse to stay for long periods in exotic locations at huge expense to employers, without having to produce a picture for publication.

MONKEYSPEAK 3

(incorporating Rhesus Technos)

NEGS-R-US: Designated title of a co-operative set up with a view to analysing and exchanging negatives. (See 'sharin' and 'gissaneg', passim). One photographer's hotel bedroom can be assigned as 'The Swop Shop' to act as headquarters for said transactions.

EDWARD SCISSORHANDS: Secret Codename given to chief operative or field agent of above agreement.

DAT SHIFTY KANT: Secret codename given to photographer who refuses to take part in the agreement. See also: 'I'll Avim'.

Y or IE: Added to photographer's name or nickname to show that he has been embraced into the camaradarie. Examples: Beastie, Woody, Backy, Cairnsy, Ocky, Frankie-lankie-lankie.

Exceptions: Son of Beast, Gavvers, Dodger.

THE PROF: Title given to Martin Keane, PA, in tribute to the elementary understanding of computers and electronics which allows him to lead the blind.

SURESHOT: Camera preferred by photographers when picture is likely to be non-award winning (ie almost all the time). Still essential to carry 25 kilos of clanking Nikons, Canons, Leicas etc around neck while using sureshot (See Street Cred).

Blunts are sometimes entrusted with photographers' Sureshots (See 'Getting yourself out of the shit').

WEDGE: An advance of cash given to photographers before embarking on a foreign trip. See also 'Lids up front', 'Wonga' and 'Luvvly Luvvly Luvvly'.

RE-WEDGING: The art of convincing the office in London that more 'Lids' are needed to continue a foreign assignment. Often facilitated by Macking note to pic desk proclaiming: 'Send more Wonga'.

MUKKY STRASSE: Street which photographers must always find when abroad in order to immerse themselves in local culture.

JIGGY JIGGY: Believed to be a dance of tribal origin, always carried out in Mukky Strasse. Definition unclear as 'Blunts' are never invited on Jiggy Jiggy Jaunts.

'IT MAY SAY CHABLIS ON THE LABEL, BUT IT DOESN'T SAY CHABLIS ON THE PALATE.': Legendary appraisal of aircraft wine by Bill Rowntree, Daily Mirror. Phrase guaranteed to clear any restaurant/plane/bar/hotel of other photographers.

FAKKIN: Adjective without which no fakkin sentence is complete.

MACKIN: Verb to describe process of sending photographic images down telephone line using Apple Mac.

RE-BOOTING: Technical term used to describe (a): Resetting computer parameters; or (b): Buying new Timberlands on expenses.

HIROSHIMA FACTOR: The point at which a hotel's switchboard melts due to excessive number of photographers using/abusing/re-wiring telephone system simultaneously. (Hilton? Naahhh. We broke it last time).

EYPEE-DEE: The Electronic Picture Desk.

YIPPEE-DEE: Exclamation at being pulled off long doorstep.

NIKON CHOIR: The sweet sound of many motordrives singing as one from massed ranks.

ELVIS: The end of an assignment. ('I'm outa here. I'm Elvis. I'm history.’)

SAMBUCCA: Alcoholic drink tasting like developer/fixer - used by photographers to set fire to themselves on foreign assignments. Origins of ceremony obscure.

BOSH-PROOF GLASS: Obscured or reflective glass used on prison vans etc to stop intrusion of cameras. Metropolitan Police vans also give off special scent which compels photographers to run alongside until outpaced. (Camera strap caught on wing mirror has same effect).

ON THE SKETCH: Nostalgic phrase used by senior photographers to evoke fond memories of Good Old Days. (It's funny you should say that cos when I was on the Sketch etc etc etc...). Often accompanied by fellow photographers snoring, hanging themselves, falling on swords etc.

CAPTION-WRITER: General News reporter.

WURDSMIFF: Feature Writer.

THE ELDERFLOWER PRESS: Collective term for group of veteran senior colour-writers.

A STONKER: A jolly good picture.

A PLONKER: A jolly silly person.

A BONKER: (See Jiggy Jiggy).

MONKEY SUIT: Timeless style of dress adopted by colonies of photographers. Includes Schott leather jacket for posing. Otherwise: Sleeveless jacket; jeans; building-workers' boots. (Report once swept Tory conference that photographer had been banned from posh hotel bar for wearing Timberland boots. Later rumoured he was wearing ONLY Timberland boots).

MONKEY DROPPINGS: Plastic film containers, polystyrene cups, orange envelopes etc, dropped by photographers on stake-outs and other assignments. Trained reporters can tell how many hours earlier the photographers left by sniffing the droppings, rubbing them between two fingers and putting one ear to the ground. ('Many monkeys pass this way, bwana....').