London's Swinging Again - Like a Scimitar!

Islam -- it’s the capital’s hottest lifestyle trend! A growing religion, based on noble traditions and compassionate principles, yet infidels sometimes get the wrong impression because of ignorance and misunderstanding and the occasional subway bomb. Here Time Out argues that an Islamic London would be ab fab!

The expectant crowd ululates as the open-backed lorry drives slowly around the Picadilly Circus – known since the Islamic revolution of 2021 as The Mohammad Sidique Khan Roundabout – nudges its way through the thousands gathered. The loudspeakers blare: "Good news! By order of Sultan Charles, Islamic RAF bombers have finally destroyed the criminal Zionist entity!" The lorry spills a load of Cadbury bars in the street and the celebration erupts, with cheers of ‘Allahu akbar’ ...

Farfetched? According to current demographic trends, this sweets-filled celebration is only part of the fun awaiting future Londoners with Islam becoming the hottest trend to hit the city since Beatlemania. Unfortunately, like the rock 'n' roll Teddy Boys of the 50's, the scootering Mods of the 60's, and the safety pinned-Punks of 70's, London's cutting-edge Islamic fashionistas are causing panic and hysteria among uptight Tory squares. Loosen up daddy-o, it's time to set the record straight about Britain's Fab Four Million!

For a start, Islam is not an alien religion to London. At the end of World War I the city sat at the heart of a vast Empire that had 160 million Muslim subjects. Forty years later and the end of that Empire, mass immigration brought millions of Muslims to these shores. Today, London has made a dramatic comeback and is poised once again to be the seat of a new Empire with millions of Muslim subjects. Well done, England!

According to the 2001 census there are 607,083 Muslims living in London (310,477 males and 296,606 sub-males). By 2012, the Muslim Council of Britain estimates that the Muslim population of suburbs like Bennyhill, Fishwife, Swineham Forest and Snotney will be 250,000, not counting the lads who will be in Pakistan training for martyrdom operations.

This growth has strained London's mosques, many of which have come dangerously close to male-female prayer contact due to overcrowding. Luckily there are plans afoot to build the UKs biggest mosque – capable of welcoming 40,000 worshippers – near the 2012 Olympic site, which itself could also make an even bigger mosque if you think about it. This has prompted predictable outrage from some of Fleet Street's reactionary and ill-informed tabloids. No wonder Muslim disillusionment and explosion are at an all time high.

But rather than fear the inevitable changes and possible detonations this will bring to London, or buy in to a racist representation of all Muslims as terrorists, we should recognise both what Islam has given this city already, and the advantages it would bring across a wide range of areas in the future.

Public healthOn the surface, Islamic health doesn’t look good: the 2001 census showed that 24 per cent of Muslim women and 21 per cent of Muslim men suffered long-term illness and disability. But these are factors of social conditions rather than religion, such as back and forehead infections from social self-flagellation. In fact, Islam offers Londoners potential health benefits: the Muslim act of prayer is designed to keep worshippers fit, their joints supple and, at five times a day, their tummies trim. It's like Pilates -- with eternal paradise awaiting for buff shahids!

Alcohol imposes huge health costs on British society. Thankfully alcohol is haram, or forbidden, to Muslims. Turning all the city’s pubs into juice bars or prayer work-out gyms would have a massive positive effect on public health. Forbid alcohol throughout the country, and you’d avoid many of the 22,000 alcohol-related deaths recorded each year, with only a minimum increase in alcohol-related deaths imposed by London's roaming squads of virtue bobbies.

Also forbidden in Islam: pre-marital sex, adultery, and homosexuality. This will obviously help reduce London's appallingly high rates of sexually transmitted disease. And during public executions for the guilty, vigorous aerobic stone-throwing will help build upper-body definition.

Just think of it -- instead of a decadent nation of tubby gay pub sots, England will be a happy sultanate filled with believers with the hardbodies to shame Posh 'n' Becks! UK boys will have the six pack abs to impress any celestial virgin, and beneath their burqas UK girls will have the trim figures to fetch a 20-goat dowry for their families!

EcologyWhen you think of the Muslim world what's the first thing that comes to mind? That's right, ecology. Soon London will be enjoying the same careful Islamic environmental stewardship seen today in places like Cairo and Damascus.

‘The world is green and beautiful,’ said the prophet Muhammad, ‘and Allah has appointed you his guardian over it.’ The Islamic concept of halifa or trusteeship obliges Muslims to look after the natural world. Natually, this natural world includes London. So remember, when a Muslim drops by and take guardianship of your flat, he is simply doing what God is appointed him to do.

EducationPresently, Muslim students sometimes perform less well than non-Muslim students, but only if you limit performance measurement to racism-tinged subjects, like maths. In subjects that are more attuned to a Muslim ethos, such as reciting the Quran whilst being beaten with a stick, Muslim students outperformed their non-Muslim counterparts 78% to 11% in a recent study by the Ministry of Schools.

Assan Ali, education spokesman for the Muslim Council of Britain, says the secret to Quran recitation success is faith schools that work in tandem with home values: ‘Muslim schools use the children’s faith and heritage as primary motivators, along with sticks. This is consistent with the messages and beatings that children are getting at home, so it is a very coherent operation between the home and the school.’

If Islam became the dominant religion in London the same ethos could have a revolutionary effect on recitational achievement and, perhaps just as importantly, general levels of discipline and self-respect. Shockingly, though, only five of London's 37 Muslim schools are state schools. But there is growing pressure to bring more into the state sector which, according to Ali, will ‘help raise achievement for many sectors of the Muslim community. Many private Muslim schools are under-resourced and in desperate need of goverment funding for more sticks.'

FoodApplication of halal (Arabic for ‘permissable’) dietary laws across London would free us at a stroke from our addiction to junk food, as well as our addiction to doing things that are not permissable. The adoption of a south Asian diet rich in fruit juice, rice and vegetables with occasional mutton or chicken would have a drastic effect on obesity. The annual fasting month of Ramadan instils self-discipline, courtesy and social cohesion. No longer constantly ramming food into our mouths, newly slimmed down Londoners would find it much easier to fit into form-flattering martyrdom belts.

Inter-faith relationsIn an Islamic London, inter-faith relations would be little changed. As ‘peoples of the book’ Christians, Jews, Hindus and Sikhs would likely be allowed to exist, just as they are allowed to exist today. And like today, these people of faith would also be allowed to submit to Islam. And it doesn't stop there: under Islamic rule you will be conditionally allowed various other freedoms, within reason.

ArtsSome of the finest art in London is already Islamic. The Jameel Gallery at the V&A houses ceramics, textiles, carpets, metalwork, glass and woodwork, which date from the great days of the Islamic caliphate. Or take a free daily tour of the Addis Gallery of Islamic art at the British Museum. In fact there are so many fine Islamic art treasures to enjoy in London that art lovers will not even miss the Tate after it is shuttered and turned into a prison for blasphemers and makers of graven images, like Damien Hirst and Gilbert and George.

Social justiceEach Muslim is obliged to pay zakat, a welfare tax of 2.5 per cent of annual income, that is distributed to the poor and the needy. If the working population of London, 5.2 million, was predominantly Muslim this would produce approximately £3.2bn each year. London would become a little less cruel, thanks to the good work and sharp eyes of Her Majesty's Islamic Revenue Service.

Race relationsUnder Islam all ethnicities are equal. Once you have submitted to Allah you are a Muslim – it doesn’t matter what colour you are. If you haven't submitted to Allah, you are NOT a Muslim - and it matters even less what colour you are. End of story.

TrackBack

» Advantages of Islamic Britain from The Jawa Report
Sharia Law will bring benifits the British Nanny state will just love, for instance, take EducationVia Iowa Hawk: Presently, Muslim students sometimes perform less well than non-Muslim students, but only if you limit performance measurement to racism-t... [Read More]

Tracked on June 07, 2007 at 09:45 PM

» Is London's Future Islamic? from JunkYardBlog
So asks Mchael Hodges in a publication I've never heard of, Timeout London, as he makes the case for a Caliphate England. Here's how it starts: The official executioner placed a stepladder against the plinth. The lorry pulled up and... [Read More]

Tracked on June 07, 2007 at 11:01 PM

» Iowahawk: London Swings Like a Scimitar Do from Blog-o-Fascists
Little Green Footballs
Iowahawk (or his British doppelganger) just happened to be in London (what are the odds?) today, and since he knows where all the good trashbins are (its that journalistic instinct) he discovered the first ... [Read More]

Tracked on June 08, 2007 at 01:32 AM

» Future So (not) Bright from BlogWatch
Dhimmi Watch finds a London Paper considering the upside of their future, as an Islamic state. Head.Sand. Hat. Also noted by the Iowahawk.... [Read More]

» Islam, Accept it or Not? The UK is Changing... from The Shield of Achilles
Iowahawk has a wonderful parody of Mr. Hodges' article:
Also forbidden in Islam: pre-marital sex, adultery, and homosexuality. This will obviously help reduce London's appallingly high rates of sexually transmitted disease. And during public execut... [Read More]

» We Welcome Our New Islamic Overlords from Free Will
We Welcome Our New Islamic OverlordsIncredibly, a piece from Michael Hodges in Time Out London describing Londons Islamic future is apparently not a joke.The official executioner placed a stepladder against the plinth. The lorry pulled up and the... [Read More]

PoliPundit"nobody – and I mean nobody, in the confines of Al Gore’s greatest invention, the Internet, can slice, dice and julienne a huge chunk of pure snark into so many little jagged pieces like he can"

Charles Murray, The American Enterprise Institute"Out of nowhere—at least I’d never heard of him—comes a posting by one David Burge on his blog, Iowahawk, in which he tore Krugman’s numbers apart. I don’t mean he found some soft spots. I’m talking evisceration. The post has been flying around cyberspace and has a attracted a lot of flak to which Burge has now responded. I recommend both posts as tours de force on two levels. First, they are saturated with the best kind of Internet irreverence and humor—sophomoric occasionally, lmao funny more often. Second, the guy is a hell of an applied statistician. It’s wonderful: Paul Krugman’s got his mile-high New York Times platform, Burge has an obscure blog. And yet, in the world of the Internet, he can take Krugman down and end up letting a whole lot of people know he’s done it."

Hugh Hewitt"For a lesson on how to argue a complex case in the face of MSM stupidity and/or bias --answer with facts, repittion and careful writing laced with laughs-- read the tutorial prepared by Iowahawk... This is how it is done. Airlift Iowahawk to the Speaker's office."

The Lunatic's Asylum"IowaHawk is God. If you're STILL not reading IowaHawk regularly, then you, Sir or Madame, are a dipshit. One that should be taken out and sterilized with the rustiest of farm implements, so that you may not pollute the gene pool with future generations of little dipshits."

Bookworm Room"Every time I read one of Iowahawk’s satires, I think to myself, 'This is it. He cannot get better than this.' And every time I am wrong, as Iowahawk, over and over, publishes something new that is even funnier than his last outing... In a perfect world, Iowahawk would be one of the most recognized comic satirists in America."

Fausta Wertz"the dance floor started to open and exposed a vast deep pool filled with man-eating sharks. The crowd panicked as a couple fell into the waters and the sharks feasted on them. Without missing a step or loosening his embrace, he led me to the entrance and with a swift move managed to both hit the switch that closed the shark pit and concluded the final dance step. He then said, 'It’s late. I must go tend to my blog.'"

Dan Collins, Protein Wisdom"He is Iowahawk of Typepad
Master of the sparkling send-up
When he posts, then douchebags tremble
Realizing they’ve been skewered
And with no recourse to match him:
Mighty Burge, the Iowahawk”

Amused Cynic"perhaps the best-written, cleverest “F*** You” salute that I have ever seen administered ... I am hereby delivering a James Thurber salute to you, Dave, and popping the top on a 16 oz. can of PBR in your direction"

Daniel Ruwe, Right Minds"The funniest person on the Internet. Every one of his posts makes me laugh out loud. Literally incredibly funny. You have to experience him to appreciate him"

Elizabeth Crum"For an idea of what I find brilliant and loveable in terms of sarcasm, satire and the like, see Iowahawk. He is one of our great modern-day scribes: smart, scathing, derisive, outrageous, and funny like few can be"

Jesse Macbeth"I'd like to take the time to address some of the stuff that I read on the Internet written about me... I got to tell you some of the stuff I saw was really funny. One of my favorites ones was actually the Power Rangers one, that was kind of cool."

Jools Krittindan"Then there’s Iowahawk. I don’t even know what he does for a living, something in Iowa, I guess. Yeah, society would function fine without him. It would just suck more. He gets an estate all his own: Iowahawk, the Sixth Estate."

Cherry River Blog"Yes, this is a crude attempt to gain entrance to IH's hallowed blogroll, and maybe even a blurb-out listing, but I still stand in awe of the capaciousness of mind that Mr. Burge has demonstrated to a barely worthy Web world"

Jules Crittenden"I have received no remuneration or consideration of any kind for this shameless fawning boosterism and free advertising. Nor do I require any. To have been in some small way associated with the global Iowahawk phenomenon is more than most of us can aspire to in our miserable, inconsequential little lives. To bask in its electronic glow is to sense the existence of immortality."

Hot Flashes"The man I’d most likely invite to my bedroom in another life"

Jim Henshaw"Neo-cons may not be as humorless as I thought, as this essay from Conservative blogger Iowahawk will attest. Even if you hate his politics, this is funny stuff"

Dave Bender, Israel at Level Ground (Israel)"Iowahawk is in the side of the wrong business, not to mention residing on the wrong landmass; he needs to get over here quick and start pumping out copy for the major news agencies"

Jules Crittendon, Boston Herald"Iowahawk’s wild, unkempt observations may look like they’ve spent the last three days sleeping under a bridge, and be frightening and smelly up close, but they are conduits of fundamental, irrefutable truth. Much like the drunk who accosts you on a streetcorner and unabashedly proclaims, 'I need money for a bottle of Cossack.'"

Twisted Spinster"Iowahawk sticks the knife in so nicely that you don’t even feel it until everything starts to go dark and fuzzy"

Bill Whittle, National Review"My friend Iowahawk writes some of the most brilliant satire I have ever read. He likes to come across as a beer-swilling gearhead — because he is — but look at this ... simply so that I may bask in its reflected glory"

Rush Limbaugh"I've gotta share with you one of the funniest things I have ever read. It is by the blogger Iowahawk. It is one of the sharpest, most cutting, brilliant satires on these pseudo-intellectual conservatives... I've heard of Iowahawk. I don't know what his leanings are, probably lib, I don't know, doesn't matter. This whole thing is just wonderful, it is just hilarious."

Quid Nimis"I think the reason I don't do Iowa Hawk everyday is the same reason I don't eat ice cream everyday: it's too good. That and the fact that I would have to leave my husband and stalk Dave Burge"

Tim Blair, Sydney Telegraph (Australia)"As Sandy Roberts says: 'When you think of Bhutan, you think of archery.' And when you think of Vettes, Ferraris and Hemi-powered rods, you think of Iowahawk and his LA-bound nitroclan"

Joseph Bottum, First Things"I’m on the board of a literary magazine at a small state university, and, at the board’s meeting this spring, the editor mentioned that he had wanted to reprint the blogger Iowahawk’s hilarious swipe at the archbishop of Canterbury... Unfortunately, the editor said, the magazine couldn’t do reprint it. The legal adviser from the university’s administration had said no—not on the grounds that it was offensive to Anglicans and their archbishop, but on the grounds that it mentioned Islam, and the school could receive bomb threats as a result of publishing it."

Lone Star Times"Between cleaning carburetors and restoring classic American cars, Burge churns out some of the funniest and decisively deadly wit and commentary on the web... Write the Pulitzer Committee and demand Iowahawk should win"

Roger Kimball, Pajamas Media"inspired … I was going to say 'parody,' but really it is far too close to the original to be called a parody. Really, it is like the play Hamlet stages to 'catch the conscience of the King,' a dramatic re-enactment of the very crime Claudius had committed but had yet to acknowledge. It worked for Hamlet; will Iowahawk’s performance work for the rest of us? It is too early to tell. But ... it is more truthful, and far more amusing, than anything you’ll read in the [New York] Times."

Paul Kedrosky, Infectious Greed"I really don't know how best to summarize IowaHawk's you-are-there white-trash treatise... If you crossed Hunter Thompson and Michael Lewis, you might get something this angry and bizarre"

The McMuffins (UK)"Iowahawk and his lovely wife... did not appear to be the psychopathic stalking killers we had been warned about, although that Iowahawk did have a murderous look in his eyes and an unusual amount of froth coming from his mouth"

Blacklake (Hot Air Comments)"I’d say Iowahawk was a genius, but geniuses aren’t generally very clever. Plus, studies have shown that nine out of ten have no idea how to clean a carb. So, statistically speaking, his geniushood is unlikely."

Rand Simberg (Transterrestrial Musings)"Next time Iowahawk beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It's like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats."

Blog Québécois"If Iowahawk ever decides to turn his guns on you, accept your beating with good grace and a rueful chuckle. If you try to fight back, it only gets funnier."

Roger Kimball (The New Criterion)"The excellent weblog IowaHawk summarized some of the thoughts I had... I must also laud David Burge of IowaHawk for his gritty pragmatism. He is no armchair crusader, full of empty imprecations."

Bill Whittle"I've met him, you know -- Iowahawk. 6'7" he is, arms like mighty oak trees, legs like even mightier oak trees: clear grey eyes looking to the far horizon, his lantern jaw set against the approaching storm but yet with a slight hint of a distant smile bourne of many combats won and mortal enemies vanquished.
I stood speechless in his presence at a restaurant in Marina del Rey --- just speechless, weeping silently at the sheer magnetism and force of personality coming off the man in seismic waves; a transcendental, religious experience that kept me awake for a week, as if I had seen the heavens split open in a blaze of orange and purple glory, and all of God's Great Plan revealed.
And when he finally did speak, it was the sound of distant thunder echoing off ancient mountains, a sound that predates mankind's puny schreeching -- a sound that, indeed, is antecedent to the founding of Life on Earth and comes carried through the ether on the shock wave of ancient dying stars. And though he only spoke twelve words during the four hours I stood in his presence, those words are with me still, a perfect dozen seared into my memory, written in gold across the great hall of my mind.
He said, 'HEY, CAN YOU GET THIS ONE? I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME.'"

Spongeworthy"But no shit, Iowahawk might get up tomorrow, get baked, grab his beautiful wife and ride his moped backwards to a Hells Angel rally, then drink himself into oblivion and fight about 7 crank dealers from the Racine chapter of the Death Jokers all by himself.
Then maybe he'd go home, romance the beautiful wife, build a perfect retro treehouse for his perfect kids, drink a bottle of tequila, prepare a 3-course meal while beating away a push-in home invader and sacrificing him on a makeshift, though historically accurate, Inca altar he built in the woods behind the railroad tracks.
Then he'd sit down and knock out a tremedously insulting Leftist parody that pissed off thread after thread of Kos and DU lunatics, romance the bride once again and fall asleep chuckling.
It's like he's Paul Bunyan and Mark Twain rolled up into one hipster"