Random Funnies

"10 Pints of Guinness"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back upand taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I coulddo it first."

Useless Knowledge

More than 80% of the rum consumed in the U.S. comes from Puerto Rico. ________________________

Vodka accounts for more than one out of every four bottles of distilled spirits consumed in the U.S. ________________________

Tequila is not made from cactus, but from agave; the best tequilas are 100% blue agave.________________________

Gin or Jenievre

Gin is a distilled spirit deriving its primary flavor from juniper berries. Every gin producer has its own proprietary recipe of additional botanicals and other flavoring agents, which gives each gin brand its own distinctive flavor profile.________________________

Scotch

Scotch whisky is a distinctive product of Scotland, manufactured in Scotland in compliance with the laws of Great Britain regulating the manufacturing of Scotch whisky for consumption in Great Britain and containing no distilled spirits less than three years old.________________________

Random Funnies

"Therapy"

A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 backfrom Medicare!"

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Random Funnies

"Answered Prayer"

One night after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk. A wrong turn led him into the red light district. On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants leaning against a lamp post.

Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said, "My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."

"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You can have me any time you want."

Now go ahead, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again.It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass, and drink it as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets truck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity.