Mars mission to include insane murderous astronaut

THE three-man Mars mission will include one mentally unhinged astronaut.

‘I am no longer Tom, I am Gon-tar’

NASA scientists believe one of the crew is bound to ‘turn evil’, so it is better to know in advance which astronaut it’s going to be.

A NASA spokesman said: “Naturally one of them will start hearing Martian voices, kill one of his crew mates with a spanner during a buggy trip, then try to sabotage the lander.

“Actively recruiting a maniac allows us to control the inevitable rampage. As soon as the first murder happens, we’ll just shut him down.”

34-year-old insane astronaut Tom Booker said: “It’s so great to be headhunted by NASA. I mean, I’ve been turned down for telesales jobs because of my twitchy manner and close physical resemblance to Murdoch from the A Team.

“And a lot of employers don’t like the fact that I burned my neighbour’s house down because he was a ghost. An alien ghost.

“The thing I’m really looking forward to is discovering the ruins of a Martian temple, ignoring my colleagues’ advice not to explore it alone then emerging permanently changed.”

The NASA spokesman added: “Frankly, I miss the days when it was OK to send monkeys into space.

“They never said anything, they looked cute in the uniform and there was less pressure to get them back alive.”