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Friday, October 24, 2014

So, apparently the Hoverboard is now a real thing. OR at least it's almost a real thing. Which is to say, it's not a thing at all. At least not in the incarnation in which we've all come to expect, thanks to Back To The Future. SO, in reality, it's just something that Richard Branson can use on his custom made basement half pipe to impress his uber-rich cronies right before he takes them into space. I'm more eager to get my hands on a personal rocket pack, anyway. Just seems like the more practical and efficient way to get around. Especially if you plan on using it any point to escape from would be bandits by traveling over a body of water...

And that's the same type of feeling I have about my picks this season. Sure, they look great. But are they really delivering on all the promise and excellence that many have come to expect? No, they are not. Much like the hoverboard up there, they are a shell of what should be. But that changes now. Unless it doesn't in which case this intro will prove about as useful as a screen door on a battleship...

Enjoy...Week 8 Picks

Chicago Bears (+6) @ New England Patriots

Per usual, we'll start things off in New England. Where Darrelle is in the doghouse, Chandler's on the mend, and an opponent that makes all of that look like your proverbial stroll through the park...

Yep, the Bears are imploding...unless they aren't, and they're just a consistently inconsistent club. Which they are. A consistently inconsistent club that, at 3-4, is on the verge of losing what was supposed to be a very successful season. Which they'll eventually do, because that's their wont. But not before going out in a blaze of glory. A blaze which will begin this week...as long as they remember to run the ball against one of the worst run fronts in the NFL...which they probably won't, but here we are...

Baltimore Ravens (+1) @ Cincinnati Bengals

JOE FLACCID IS ELITE!!!!!

Indianapolis Colts (-3) @ Pittsburgh Steelers

SO IS ANDY LUCK!!!

(nah, but he really is. Flaccid is really just...well...flaccid)...

Carolina Panthers (+5) vs Seattle Seahawks + OVER 45

Much like the Bears above, the Seahawks are watching the grand plans they had for the 2014 season go straight down the tubes. Though, as opposed to Chicago, Seattle's problems stem more from defense than they do on offense. A defense that was once the most feared unit in sports, yet that is now performing more as if it's merely run of the mill. Which it probably is, and it's the main contributing factor to this parlay of picks. I mean, Seattle can't stop anyone, Carolina can't stop anyone, Carolina's at home. Yeah, no Gray's Sports Almanac needed for this pick. Which is probably a good thing, because that thing ran out of picks in the year 2000 anyway...

Miami Dolphins (-5.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars

You don't need a future telling almanac for this one, either. Though you'll probably need a tetanus shot if you decide to attend the game. You know, because of all the intravenous Meth those crazy bastards are doing down there. And in failing that, now you know that the proper spelling of "tetanus" has the word "anus" in it. So you've got that goin' for ya. Which is nice...

Philadelphia Eagles (+2.5) @ Arizona Cardinals

Anal humor aside, this Eagles/Cardinals match up is probably the most intriguing of the weekend from the standpoint of attempting to figure out the respective team's identities. I mean, are either of these teams actually any good? They're records certainly suggest they are. But both squads also seem to lack an actual identity that helps fans and handicappers alike put a finger on "why" they're actually going to win a particular game...

Philly could go a long way towards doing that if they can grab a big road win coming off of their bye. Arizona, too. With a big home win. But the latter will probably only serve to convince me (and the public at large) that we still don't have a handle on the Eagles. Rather than building any sort of credibility that the Cardinals seem to be desperately lacking. Which is totally justifiable, considering most of us can still remember Jake Plummer and Dennis Green...

Green Bay Packers (+1.5) @ New Orleans Saints

You know you've got a good thing goin' when your star QB can borrow a phrase from a song about the perils of premature homosexual lovemaking, and the Midwest gets on board. Which is what's happened here, as the design above has already been printed on 3,000+ t-shirts that have been bought and paid for by the Packer faithful...

They're right to relax, though. As they're boys seem to have finally found their stride. The same can't be said for the Saints, who continue to look like a shell of their former selves. Though maybe they can salvage their season by co-opting a Village People song and turning it into a t-shirt of their own. I just would be sure not to include an Indian headdress in there. You know, because of the Tedskins. But I'm sure a policeman wearing skintight pants should be fine...

Rounding out the Sunday slate, we have the RISE OF THE LEGEND OF ZACH METTENBERGER. Yep, that's an NFL QB up there. Using the preferred dick pic snapping app (or so I've been told...) to announce to the world that HE HAS ARRIVED IN ALL OF HIS MCCONAUGHEY-VIAN GLORY! ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!

Oh, and two teams from Missouri are playing each other. Because apparently Missouri has two football teams. Neither of which has a QB with a stache quite like Mettenberger's...

Detroit Lions (-4) vs Atlanta Falcons

Houston Texans (-1) @ Tennessee Titans

Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5) vs St. Louis Rams

New York Jets (-3) vs Buffalo Bills

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3) vs Minnesota Vikings

Oakland Raiders (+7) @ Cleveland Browns

Monday Night

Dallas Cowboys (-9) vs Washington Tedskins

And finally, we have the Cowboys. Who are going to smoke the Tedskins. Just like a peace pipe...WAMPUM WAMPUM TEEPEE MANHATTAN!!!

Last Week: 5-11-0

Overall: 57-62-0 (.479)

And in the college ranks, where I've actually been fairing well of late, we have Beyonce looking like someone you'd find in Michael Irvin's hotel room cicra 1994. I'm not sure why she's sporting this look, but the cocked knee was enough for me to switch my pick and take the feisty Longhorns to cover on the road. Just somethin' oddly enticing about that knee cock. Which is weird, because if you said the words "knee cock" to someone, I highly doubt they'd be enticed...unless they were themselves, extremely odd...

NCAA Top 25 PicksKentucky (+13.5) vs (1) Mississippi St.

(24) LSU (+3.5) vs (3) Mississippi

South Carolina (+18.5) @ (5) Auburn

Texas (+10) @ (11) Kansas St.

Penn St. (+13.5) vs (13) Ohio St.

(14) Arizona St. (-3.5) @ Washington

(15) Arizona (-2.5) @ Washington St.

(16) Nebraska (-17.5) vs Rutgers

(19) Utah (+1) vs (20) USC

Oklahoma St. (+1) vs (22) West Virginia

(25) UCLA (-13.5) @ Colorado

Last Week: 7-3-0

Overall: 31-29-2

And that's it for me, Teds. Hope you enjoyed this glimpse into the present, and I'll catch you next time...