Queen Breathes Sigh of Relief as Royal Wedding Promises at Least One More Generation of White Heirs to British Throne

LONDON, U.K -- Straight out of the pages of a fairy tale, and painstakingly planned to be that way, Catherine “Kate” Middleton wed Prince William at the Westminster Abbey altar Friday morning. With William second in the line of succession to 16 sovereign states within the Commonwealth, the marriage was seen by the Royal Family as imperative to preserving the bloodline and The Crown. But the union, despite the flawless execution of the nuptials, was not without its internal controversies. The foremost being the Queen’s displeasure with William’s choice of a commoner as a bride.

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“This is the second time the royal blood has been diluted,” said an insider deep within the ranks of Buckingham Palace. On the condition of anonymity, he requested to be called “Andrew.”

“If Princess Diana was the ‘People’s Princess,’” Andrew continued, “then Kate Middleton is the ‘Proletariat’s Princess.’ One day, I overheard the Queen voice disgust over the whole affair while watching the telly. ‘That girl’s practically ghetto,’ she snapped after sucking a fag* down to its butt in a single breath.” [*British slang for a cigarette]

Kate Middleton is the college educated, upper middle class daughter of entrepreneurial parents who left their jobs as flight attendants to begin a party supply company that now boasts an estimated worth of $50 million USD. To contextualize how the British see the Middletons’ class standing from a U.S. perspective, Kate Middleton would be a girl from Oklahoma whose parents worked in a gas station, made some money selling Amway or Mary Kay, and then moved to a suburb in Virgina.

“At least Diana, while still of more common stock, could trace her lineage to viscounts and earls and dukes,” Andrew said. “The Middleton rabble trace their bloodline back to the airport. Kate is about as low as they come. She works for a clothing manufacturer. Textiles. It’s practically blue collar.”

According to Andrew, the Queen reluctantly blessed the marriage in an attempt to promote a modern image of the monarchy and, more importantly, to ensure that future Royals would retain the White Anglo Saxon Protestant heritage essential to maintaining the majesty, growth, and evolution of England as a progressive world power for coming generations.

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Andrew believes that William’s choice in Middleton was a bullet dodged: “Although a taboo topic for the British media, the purity of the Royal Family’s legacy was not always assured. There was a very perilous moment when the young prince’s romantic leanings had seemed to be turning more, shall we say, diverse.”

During his education at St. Andrews, William left the country to spend parts of a gap year in Chile, Belize, and Africa.

“He corresponded frequently about his infatuation with the cultures there -- with the dark-skinned, exotic women he met in those savage lands,” Andrew explained. “Well, after that, the Queen nearly called upon those embassies to extradite William back to England. She worried that he had succumbed to some native diseases, after an MP casually mentioned that William had ‘jungle fever’ and ‘salsa fever.’ The situation worsened in 2007 when William and Kate ended their relationship for a brief time. And during that break, the Queen ordered British Intelligence officers to follow William, fearing that he might travel abroad and relapse. The Queen called my office late one evening, with panic in her voice, and said, ‘If William keeps at these strange adventures, he shall find himself bent over and straddled by something from Asia or the Pacific Islands. And that won’t do at all.’ Prince Philip later explained what was going on, and the Queen took ill for a week.”

With the marriage finalized and the honeymoon under way, Andrew says the Queen has expressed tremendous relief.

“But we now must worry about Prince Harry. He’s been spending a great deal of time in the Wood Green district of Haringey. The Queen refers to it as ‘that filthy spot with all the Pakis.’”