I have indicated with a dash where there is a change of speaker in the patter, but I have not done so in the singing parts, although Jones and Hare often sing alternate lines. In fact their arrangement often turns a song into a dialog, even when it was written as a monolog, so to speak. Thus they often change pronouns from "I" to "you" or "we." I trust that, if you want to sing these songs, you can work out the appropriate pronoun for yourself.

1. Porcupines are all full of quills. Kiss them and you're sure to get thrills. Weeping willows like to weep, Just like I weep for you. As a porcupine pines for its pork, That's how I pine for you. As a grasshopper hops on the grass, I'll hop right after you. As an eggplant plants its egg, I'll plant myself near you. Not a woodchuck would chuck wood As I would chuck my love at you.

—Say, Bill, what's the difference between a rich man and a dog's tail? —A dog's tail keeps a-waggin', and a rich man keeps an automobile!

2. Alligators come through the gate, But goodbye, leg, if you get away late. Lollies always like to pop. I'll pop the question too. As a porcupine pines for its pork, That's how I pine for you. As a woodpecker pecks at the wood, I'll always peck at you. As a Pekinese peeks at the knees, I'll always peek at you. All the oil cans can their oil, But I can tie the can to you.

3. As a butterfly flies at the butter, I'll fly right after you. As a mouse trap traps the mouse, That's just how I'll trap you. As the lipstick sticks to the lip, I'll always stick to you. As the earring rings the ear, I'm going to put a ring on you.

4. If they find the guys who wrote this song, They'll not be here for long. As the sharpshooter likes to shoot, We'll shoot those crazy goofs. Every nutcracker has its nuts, And nuts from trees do fall, But of all the nuts and crazy mutts, They are the worst of all!

—Bill, what do cannibals do with the heads of their victims? —I guess they make noodle soup out of them, Ernie!

5. If we don't sing another chorus, We hope you'll still be for us. We bought dictionaries by the score, But we can't find no more. Just buy yourself a ukulele, And while you're strumming gaily, Sing your own words to this crazy song. They're all right if they're wrong.

[The following verses come from a different and longer recording (#2 at the Internet Archive page) with an orchestra accompaniment, and no patter.]

3b. As the penholder holds the pen, That's just how I'll hold you. As the soupspoon spoons with the soup, That's how I'll spoon with you. As the Sunkist kissed the sun, I'll keep on kissing you. As the lemon squeezer squeezes lemons, That's just how I'll squeeze you.

3c. Every old rubber tire tires, But I'll not tire of you. As the fruit punch punches the fruit, That's just how I'll punch you. As the fish-hook hooks the fish, Believe me, I'll hook you. As Mary Pickford picks a Ford, That's just how I picked you.

3d. As the coal heaver heaves his coal, I'll heave my love at you. As the earache aches for the ear, My poor heart aches for you. As the broomstick sticks to the broom, I'll always stick to you. As the bull's-eye eyes the bull, I'm going to keep an eye on you.

—Say, Bill, d'ja notice that I had my college colors on today? —No I didn't notice, Ernest. What are your college colors? —Why, Black and White!* Ah! You can't wear your college colors, can you? —No, I can't, but I have some. —Tell the people what they are. —Orange and gin!

Valentino's famous on the movie screens, And Mister Heinz is known because of pork and beans. Don't think me and the boyfriend envy either one. They've got dough, but, oh, ain't we got fun?

Collegiate, collegiate, yes we are collegiate. Nothing intermejate, no, ma'am. Trousers baggy and our clothes are raggy, But we're rough and ready, yea! Garters are the things we never wear, And we haven't any use for red-hot flannels. Very, very seldom in a hurry, Never, ever worry. We're collegiate, rah, rah, rah!

Douglas Fairbanks picked a Pickford for a wife, And he should worry if the peas roll off his knife. What's one girl in a million when you're in our shoes? We've got lots and lots and lots to choose.

My friend Jonesie he got married just the other night. I hear he's a man who has an awful appetite. Well, his wife went to cooking school but only learned to bake. He must kick about his meals. She says, "John, for goodness' sake, Just cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home. I'm sorry that I can't cook steak, but cake is so high-tone. You'll get corns and bunions From eating Spanish onions, So cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home."

Once a week at Jonesie's house the poker players meet. After playing cards I'll bet that they all want to eat. "One more deal and then we'll eat." they hear his wifie say. They expect a lovely spread but almost pass away When she says, "Cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home. I'm sorry that I can't cook steak, but cake is so high-tone. Ev'ry social leader Today is a cake-eater, So cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home.

"In summer you should diet, So start in now and try it. Just cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home.

Jones came home the other night and said, "I've lost my job. He said he couldn't pay the rent unless some bank he'd rob. The landlord said he'd call that night because the rent was due. Jonesie's wife said, "I'll fix him!" She knew what to do. She told him, "Cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home. I'm sorry that I can't cook steak, but cake is so high-tone. You swore by stars above, dear, That you could live on love, dear, So cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home.

"From eating fried calf's liver, A man jumped in the river, So cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home. There's apple cake and orange cake And angel cake and choc'late cake And raisin cake and nutty cake, So cut yourself a piece of cake and make yourself at home."

1. I'm going to take you home with me. How are we gonna get there? Back home is where we ought to be. Where will we dig up the fare? Stop kidding! I'm so blue and you're asking me riddles. Do you think you'll get home on talk? I'll have you meet my ma and pa. Say, I just hate to walk.

CHORUS: It's the end of roaming. I'm home-sweet-homing Down where the south begins. It's the end of yearning 'Cause I'm returning Down where the south begins. Boy, oh, boy, your ... were a-smiling When you went away. Instead of joy, my troubles kept a-piling More and more each day. Who do you always want to see? Where do you always want to be When you're all alone? Who do you keep remembering? Why do I always want to sing, "There's no place like home"? There's a hush-a-bye-ing Old lady crying To wash away your sins. It's the end of worryin', No more hurryin', Down where the south begins.

2. Why do we think the world is gay Further and further away? And why do we always long to stray Further and further away? When the short little miles become longer. Then you think of that last goodbye. I've known a million homesick pains. That's just why I sigh: CHORUS TWICE

Tony has a pony what you call-a nice-a the horse. With a wagon he would sell the vegetables, o' course. Now Garibaldi, he's the name of Tony's nice-a the pony. Tony drove him all around in Little Italy, And when the lady she's-a refuse to buy, Tony he's-a get mad and start to cry:

Tony knew the first-a name of every lady he'd meet. He would yell at all o' them as he's-a go down the street, And when they'd poke-a fun at Garibaldi, Tony said, "Don'-a holler 'Oats!' to him or else he's drop-a dead." And when the veg'tabells commence to rot Tony cried this job is good for naught.

Oh, oh, oh, The business is-a slow. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Hey, hey, hey, Ev'rybody walk away. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! If you no like-a the stromberry, the gooseberry, the blackberry, If you no like-a no berry, I give you the raspberry!

Hokey pokey diddle dee rum. Derby, that's where we came from. It's a town way down in Tennessee. Some folks think it's mighty slow. Still it has its push and go, And it's plenty fast enough for me.

There was a man in Derby town as strong as any ox. They say the reason was because he'd never change his— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, he never changed his mind. He said, "I'm strong because I'm always drinking pickle brine."

The folks in Derby have their freedom, though it may sound queer. A man can step in anywhere and get a glass of— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, perhaps you think I lie, But every man in Derby has a twinkle in his eye.

We have a dentist in our town for whom I'd like to vouch. When he extracts your tooth, why, all you do is holler— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, which proves what I have said: The only painless dentist is a dentist who is dead.

I kicked a little dog one day; you should have heard him wail. Where did I kick him, sir, you say? Oh, thereby hangs a— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, oh, thereby hangs a tale. I kicked him without conscience and I kicked him without fail.

Hokey pokey diddle dee rum. As a town that makes things hum, Derby takes the cookie every time. Talk about your money's worth! There's no other place on earth You can have as much fun on a dime.

The circus came to Derby and I saw the old giraffe, And when I saw the monkeys, why, it really made me— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, I laughed, I tell you, friend, To see the dog-gone elephant with a tail upon each end.

We have a dog named Michael and he loves to bark at night, But I am not afraid because a barking dog won't— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, I mean he wouldn't snap. Why, every time he wags his tail, he gives himself a slap.

—Say, Bill, you know one thing—it appears to me that this song has a lot of words to it. —I don't mind that, Ernie. —No? —Say Ernie, do you know I can sing two different voices, tenor and bass? —Oh, Bill, you can't sing bass. —Yes, I can sing bass, any time I want to. Any time I want to! In fact, do you want to hear me sing? —Yeah, go ahead, Bill. —I don't want to, Ernie. —Well, let's sing these other thousand choruses. —All right.

In Derby our police force says he never goes to bed, So there's no fear of bandits hitting you upon the— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, which means in accents wild, When you are held up, all you yell is "Fireman, save my child!"

There was a hen in Derby town that had a wooden leg. One day we fed her sawdust and she laid a wooden— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, and so is your old man. I never eat tomatoes till I first remove the can.

The boy stood on the burning deck when all but he had fled. A seagull laid a hard-boiled egg and dropped it on his— Hokey pokey diddle dee rum, with whiffletrees and sand. Oh, Mama, Johnny started singing "Ain't the gravy grand!"

I CAN'T SLEEP IN THE MOVIES ANY MORE Words and music by Arthur Fields, Fred Hall, and Bert Van Cleve. As sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys), 1929.

—Hey, Bill, what's the idea of squinting your eyes like you're doing? —Well, I've had a lot of trouble with my eyes lately. —Had trouble with them? —Yes. —Well, you'd have more trouble without them, wouldn't you? —Oh ho, yes I would. —You know, my eyes have been troubling me. —Is that so? —I blame it on moving pictures. You know, movies hurt my eyes. —Movies used to hurt my eyes, but now they hurt my ears. —You know, they used to say that movie actresses were dumb. —Yeah, now I wish they were, Ernie.

VERSE 1: Folks all rave about the good old days, they do, And we both agree with them, we're telling you. We used to love the good old picture show The way we used to see them years ago. Then the silent drama held its sway okay. Now they squeak and squawk; that's why we say:

CHORUS 1: I'm so sad and I'm so blue, And I'm feeling that way, too. We can't sleep in the movies any more. When the star with baby face Shouts out in a voice that's bass, We can't sleep in the movies any more. Our dozing days are ended. No more the organ plays. To mellow tones it rendered, We could sleep for days and days. When our wife becomes a pest, Now we have no place to rest. We can't sleep in the movies any more.

VERSE 2: Talkies are a great invention, we agree. Knocking isn't our intention, no siree. But if you loved a nap the way we do, It's ten to one you'd be complaining too. Now we have to keep awake through twenty reels, Listening to sneezes, squawks, and squeals.

CHORUS 2: When church scenes are shown today, They're so real, we start to pray. We can't sleep in the movies any more. Now the pickaxe we hear pick, Even hear the crickets crick. We can't sleep in the movies any more. The sheik is from the ghetto. I thought he came from Spain. His voice is high falsetto, And he sounds like he's in pain. And a theme song there must be Just to torture him and me. We can't sleep in the movies any more.

CHORUS 3: Lions roar; we shake with fright. We can almost feel them bite. We can't sleep in the movies any more. Buildings burn upon the street, And we even feel the heat. We can't sleep in the movies any more. When wifie gives her hubby A wallop on the dome, They really get so clubby, It makes us think that we're at home. If by chance our eyes should close, Then the villain blows his nose. We can't sleep in the movies any more.

—Hello, Ernie. How are yous today? —Oh, my goodness! Don't you know you shouldn't say "yous"? You ain't got no education nohow. —What's that? My father spent thousands of dollars on my education. —Thousands of dollars? —Yes, sir. —It's funny. Money don't go very far these days. —Is that so? —If he spent so much money on your education, tell me this: what is bacteria? —Bacteria? —Yes. —That's the back door of a cafeteria. But you know—

I don't go in for botany, astronomy, and such. No, you're not an art collector, 'cause you don't like that much. No, but still I have a hobby. Holy mackerel, gosh, gee whiz! Well, I know I'll never get it, so please tell me what it is. I love to dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of sponge cake, Because it holds more coffee than the rest. You never dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of crumb cake, Because the crumbs all linger on your vest. Now ladyfingers are nice, I know, But too weak to stand the test. You love to dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of sponge cake, Because it holds more coffee than the rest.

—Oh, I love to dunk. —Oh, I do too.

I don't go in for painting, 'cause I never held a brush. No, you're not so fond of music, though you sing just like a thrush. Well, I'm not a connoisseur when it comes to making love. You only have one weakness; it's the one you're speaking of. I love to dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of sponge cake Because it holds more coffee than the rest. You never dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of cheesecake, And cream puffs make an awful mess. Now pies and crullers are nice, I know, But, dunkers, let me suggest: Why don't you dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of sponge cake Because it holds more coffee than the rest.

I have dunked with doughnuts, just like any dunker would, And I've tried pumpernickel, but I find it not so good. I've had chocolate éclairs and I think they're very cute. Ah, but when you bite into them, you don't know which way they'll shoot

"Dunk, dunk, dunky-dunk," says Mary Jane and Doris. When they start to dunk it sounds like The Anvil Chorus. Hooray! (Hooray!) Hey, hey! (Hey, hey!) That's why we're here to say: We love to dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of sponge cake Because it holds more coffee than the rest. It's nice and yellow and it's often mellow. We like the way it lingers on our vest. Apple pie has an awful crust, And crackers get in my eye. We love to dunk, dunk, dunk a hunk of sponge cake Because it holds more coffee than the pie.

All the boys love Mary, little Mary Brown, But she's so contrary when they come around. Only Tommy Tucker ever gets a kiss. When the fellows corner him, he tells them this:

When I brought an apple, she let me hold her hand. When I brought an orange, we kissed to beat the band. When I brought bananas, she hugged me all her might. I'm gonna bring a watermelon to my girl tonight. When I brought an onion, she said it made her cry. When I brought a grapefruit, it squirted in her eye. When I brought muskmelons, she said, "I cantaloupe." I brought her garlic; now I'll find her in the dark, I hope.

Listen, California: watch your orange groves. Mary's friends, I warn ya, will come out in droves. They'll attack each orange and they'll stew each prune. They all dance in fruit stores now to Tommy's tune.

When I bring her oolong, it suits her to a tea. When I bring her cocoa, she always flirts with me. When I bring her coffee, we play a kissing game, And when I bring her my home brew, she tells me her right name. When I brought a rowboat, she kissed me on the cheek. When I brought a sailboat, she booked me for a week. When I brought a tugboat, she sure did treat me right. I'm going to bring a battleship up to my girl tonight.

When I brought a goldfish, she cuddled up to me. When I brought a polly, she laughed right out with glee. When I brought a bulldog, she shouted with delight. I'm gonna bring an elephant up to my girl tonight. I brought Thomas Meehan(?); she didn't like his style. I brought Charlie Chaplin; he didn't make her smile.Valentino bores her, no matter how he tries, But she adores Ben Turpin 'cause he has such dreamy eyes.

Weather man, weather man, can't you see we're blue? Weather man, change your plan; make that sun shine through. We've heard the folks all croonin' 'bout 'tain't gonna rain no mo', But ev'ry time that we step out, it starts right in to po'.

We get all dressed in our Sunday best and it don't do nothin' but rain, Our pants all pressed with our coat and vest, and it don't do nothin' but rain. It's hard to smile when skies are black And the rain keeps ticklin' down your back. Yes, we were born with our rubbers on, 'cause it don't do nothin' but rain.

Want to knock 'em flat in my new straw hat, and it don't do nothin' but rain. Get a brand new suit so I look real cute, and it don't do nothin' but rain. It's a darn good suit for the shape it's in, But the pants ...(?) in my very skin. They've got wet, I've found; now I can't sit down, 'cause it don't do nothin' but rain.

You can't make love 'neath the skies above when it don't do nothin' but rain. There ain't no spark in a public park when it don't do nothin' but rain. It cramps the style; can't do much stuff When the rain comes oozin' from out o' my cuffs. How can lovers pet on a bench this wet, and it don't do nothin' but rain?

Take my gal outside for an auto ride, and it don't do nothin' but rain. Now you can't go far in an open car when it don't do nothin' but rain. I stopped the car; we talked and talked. I knew she couldn't get out and walk, But the sweet young thing carried water wings, and it don't do nothin' but rain.

You take a trip down to Florida, and it don't do nothin' but rain. You wish that you hadn't gone so far, 'cause it don't do nothin' but rain. You buy a lot and think you're set. Later on you find that your lot's all wet, So you paid for land; it's a swamp you get, 'cause it don't do nothin' but rain.

You go to dine with your baby-mine, and it don't do nothin' but rain. And then you jaunt to a restaurant, but it don't do nothin' but rain, And as the waiters round you group, Then you start in orderin' like a goop, But you kick yourself when you order soup 'cause it don't do nothin' but— Rain (rain), rain (rain), rain (rain), rain, don't do nothin' but— Don't do nothin' but rain.

It won't be long now. It won't be long now. Somebody said we're gonna be wed real soon. Yes, it won't be long now. It won't be long now. Life'll be sunny after your honeymoon. We'll build a bungalow and we'll pay for it on installments. A dollar a week, you certainly can't go wrong. No, sir! And if we're able, we'll buy a cradle. Giddyap, Father Time. It won't be long.

—You know, Bill, time just drags along. —Yes. —Everything seems wrong— —Well— —When you want a thing that you can't get. —Yes, it does. But the time just flies, and smiles light up your eyes. Then you're sure to bet—

It won't be long now. It won't be long now. Hundreds of years ago someone sang these words. Yes, it won't be long now. It won't be long now. Strange as it seems, 'twas used by those ancient birds. You know, a fellow named Samson loved a girl named Delilah. His head of hair so long made him very strong, But Lila craved it, and when she shaved it, She was the first to sing, "It won't be long."

It won't be long now. It won't be long now. Soon we'll be finished singing this song to you. It won't be long now. It won't be long now. Maybe you'll feel so happy when we are through. For you may think that this ditty we have just sung is novel, And we'll be very glad if you like our song, For then you'll strum it, and then you'll hum it. Giddyap, Father Time. It won't be long.

The reference in the great watermelon song is to Thomas Meighan, whose website refers to his involvement with 2 scandals: "Meighan was involved in some of the more scandalous moments of silent film history; albeit as a helping hand. On October 25, 1916 in New Jersey he was the sole witness to Jack Pickford and Olive Thomas' secretive wedding.[5]"

"In March 1923, Douglas Gerrad, in need of help bailing his friend Rudolph Valentino out of jail for bigamy, called up a fellow Irishman named Dan O'Brien who happened to be with Meighan at the time. Meighan barely knew Valentino but put up a large chunk of the bail money, and with the help of June Mathis and George Melford, Valentino was eventually freed.[6] "

Perhaps, the Boys knew of this. There is a great dvd bio of Olive Thomas and her sad end - recommended highly.

[EH] It's in the bag; my baby loves me now. [BJ] It's in the bag; that means you're sure, and how! [EH] One time she had me worried that there was someone else. [BJ] Now you don't fear; the coast is clear. [EH] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It's in the bag; her mama said okay. [BJ] And did her pa say, "Don't let it drag"? I'll bet you feel satisfied [EH] and you won't hear me brag Till I hear the parson say: [BOTH] "It's in the bag."

[BJ] Say, you must be bright. [EH] Well, I'm not a fool. [BJ] Where'd you get your wisdom from? [EH] I got it all in school. [BJ] Ah, you're in love with she? [EH] And she's in love with me. [BJ] Well, do you love each other? [EH] Why, it's plain as A-B-C!

[EH] It's in the bag; she's got a hundred thou. [BJ] It's in the bag; how can I use some now? [EH] Well, I'm not the kind that's selfish. [BJ] After you are wed, Will you get half? [EH] Don't make me laugh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It's in the bag; [BJ] you'll buy a bungalow [EH] That I will pay for [BJ] with all her dough, [EH] And maybe in a year or so, [BJ] the stork will write a tag. [BOTH] Near the package he will say: "It's in the bag."

[BOTH] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Now take a politician; he'll tell you with a grin: "I know who'll win; I'll let you in." Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [BJ] We know who'll be elected, and we don't mean to brag: [EH] A republican or democrat! [BOTH] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It's in the bag!

It doesn't pay to worry; it doesn't pay to fret. If you lose or win, always wear a grin. All you can get from worry is wrinkles on your brow. We found a way to live long; let's tell the folks just how:

If your bankroll is bent, laugh it off. When they call for the rent, laugh it off. When a fellow borrows ten, And you lend it to him when, All you can do is whistle "Till We Meet Again." If you feel on the bum, laugh it off. If you're caught selling rum, laugh it off. If your wifie runs away And they bring her back next day, Laugh it off, O brother, laugh it off.

If your new shoes are tight, laugh it off. If your wife snores at night, laugh it off. If someone tells you to go Where there is no ice or snow, Don't get excited, brother; you don't have to go. If you're down in the dumps, laugh it off. If your kids have the mumps, laugh it off. If you're sick and Doctor Quack Puts a plaster on your back, Laugh it off, O brother, laugh it off.

No matter how it's breaking, don't let them see you frown. If the road is rough, always throw a bluff. If you wake up some morning with nothing in your purse, Don't go around complaining; tomorrow may be worse.

If your hair's falling out, laugh it off. If your wife's getting stout, laugh it off. When the world looks black and blue, Think of this because it's true: Graveyards are full of guys who'd gladly change with you. If you slip on a peel, laugh it off. If you choke on a meal, laugh it off. If the doctor says you're dead, Never argue; keep your head. Laugh it off, O brother, laugh it off.

If your gas bill is steep, laugh it off. If you toss in your sleep, laugh it off. If your car is out of gear And you bump somebody's rear, Phone your insurance man and sing "I'm Sorry, Dear." If you lose at the track, laugh it off. If you sit on a tack, laugh it off. If you accident'ly trip And break something on your hip, Laugh it off, O brother, laugh it off.

If you ha-ha-ha-ha, laugh it off. If you ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! If you ha-ha-ha-ha, laugh it off. If you ha-ha-ha-ha, laugh it off. Have your fun; don't be a dunce. They can only kill you once. Laugh it off, O brother, laugh it off.

[EH] Tell me, Tony, why the people nickname you The Cheat. [BJ] That's-a just-a what I am. [EH] They say you have a diff'rent girl for each day in the week. [BJ] I'm just a wop, great big ...(?). [EH] Well, you must spend lots of money. [BJ] No, I never have to pay. [EH] But when you get the gimmies, tell me what you have to say.

[BJ] Hey, me no speak-a good English. [EH] You mean you don't understand? [BJ] No, I no like-a this-a bus'ness. [EH] You mean when they're holding your hand? [BJ] Sure! Me no long in this-a country. [EH] But you're a wise Italian man. [BJ] I'm a wise-a wop! I please-a them, I tease-a them, I squeeze-a them like that! [EH] But when they say, ah, sweet papa, your baby needs a hat, [BJ] Hey! Me no speak-a good English. [BOTH] I no can understand.

[EH] How about that girlie with the fascinating eye? [BJ] I think she's make a very good-a loving bride. [EH] You took her out and when she didn't try to make you pay, [BJ] I just-a act-a more than satisfied. [EH] But soon she got the gimmies. [BJ] Sure! I put her to the test. [EH] And then you had to tell her just like you told all the rest:

[BJ] Hey! Me no speak-a good English. [EH] But I guess you understand. [BJ] Yes, but I no like-a dis-a funny business, you know. [EH] Ah, please let me hold your hand. [BJ] Hey! What's a matter? Me no long in this-a country. [EH] But you're a wise Italian man. [BJ] You told 'em! I treat 'em fine on red wine. I spent-a ev'ry cent. [EH] But when they start to cry and say they haven't got room rent, [BJ] Hey, me no speak-a good English. [BOTH] I no can understand.

[EH] You pick the mountain; you take them back. [BJ] I take-a them any-a-where. [EH] But when they tell you that they must take a cab, [BJ] I tell-a them take-a the air. [EH] If they want to make love, you never refuse. [BJ] I give-a them all-a they wish. [EH] But when they tell you that they need new shoes, [BJ] That's just when I no capisc' [EH] You get a license if they want to wed. [BJ] I open a barber shop. [EH] But when they tell you that they don't like spaghett', [BJ] they no want-a marry a wop.

Hey! [BOTH] Me no speak-a good English. I no can understand. What this monkey business when you hold-a the hand. Me no long in this country. I'm a poor Italian man. [BJ] They tell-a me they marry me, and they're a merry wid', [EH] But when you find out that they have a half-a-dozen kids, [BJ] Hey! [BOTH] Me no speak-a good English. I no can understand.

[Note: the word "wop" would be unacceptable today, and the ethnic stereotyping is in questionable taste, but the theme of male-female relations is universal and still current. I hope someone can find a way to salvage this song by judiciously changing the words. If not, just consider it an interesting portrait of life in an earlier era.]

This is not exactly a parody, but it seems to hark back to a song called MISTER GALLAGHER AND MISTER SHEAN, which Jones & Hare recorded in 1922. Lyrics to MISTER GALLAGHER AND MISTER SHEAN have been posted in a thread called Burlesque/vaudeville joke routines.

—You know, I had a dream the other night; I saw two famous men. —Where did they meet, upon the street? —Yeah, they shook hands and then They started talking in a friendly way. —Well, well! Won't you tell me what they had to say?

—That was a funny dream. —Wasn't it though? You know this dream was such a funny sight. It certainly was queer. —Well, tell me, did they crack a smile? —No, they were both sincere. I listened and I didn't miss a word. —Well, well, now, let's hear some more of what you overheard.

—All right. How will you treat the farmers if they put you in the chair? —Once a week, Mister Hoover. —Applesauce, Mister Smith! I think you'll like the capital. They give you lots of air. —Hot or cold, Mister Hoover? —Just hot air, Mister Smith. Oh, I hear you're from the East Side. —No, you're wrong, old tup. It's the "wet" side. —What will you give the people who have done more than their share? —Vacuum cleaners, Mister Hoover. —Why not cough drops, Mister Smith?

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT Words & music by Billy Rose & Harry Woods. As sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys), 1924.

Why do men and women love each other? And should they take a chance or should they not? When they marry, will they face Heaven or the other place? Which is which and who knows what is what? I don't know; you don't know; he don't know; she don't know. No one knows what it's all about. Boy and girl try their luck. Preacher man earns a buck. They go in, but they can't get out. Now married life, married life, sweeter than fudge, Ah, but some day, will they say, "Good morning, judge"? Well, I don't know, and you don't know, and he don't know, and she don't know, And no one knows what it's all about.

Ev'ry man who's hungry for the White House Says the other party is a fake. Democrats, republicans, Put each other on the pan. After all, what diff'rence does it make? Well, I don't know; you don't know; he don't know, and she don't know. No one knows what it's all about. Why do wise little guys Marry gals twice their size? That's the thing I can't figure out. What a life when your wife towers above! What the deuce do they do when they make love? I don't know; you don't know, and he don't know, and she don't know. No one knows what it's all about.

I don't know; you don't know; he don't know; she don't know. No one knows what it's all about. Never steal just a dime. If you do, you'll do time. Steal some oil and they'll let you out. Our police never cease closing cafés. How do cops drive their own autos these days?

Well, I don't know; you don't know, and he don't know, and she don't know. No one knows what it's all about. I don't know; you don't know; he don't know; she don't know. No one knows what it's all about. Tell a joke; sing a rag; give them hope; tell a gag. We don't know what it's all about. Sing it fast; sing it slow; now sing it hot. Well, do the folks think that we're funny or not? I don't know; you don't know; he don't know, and she don't know. No one knows what it's all about.

VERSE 1. A boy and girl were walking, Oh, walking, yes, walking, And as they stood there talking, He stole a little kiss. The girlie started giggling, Oh, giggling, yes, giggling, And as the boys stood wiggling, He shyly told her this:

VERSE 2. He went home to his mother, His mother his mother; They looked at one another, And then he bowed his head. She said, "You look suspicious, Suspicious, suspicious, What ails you Aloysius?" He raised his eyes and said:

* And here's the version sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys):

OH, GEE! OH, GOSH! OH, GOLLY I'M IN LOVE.

VERSE 1. —Last night I saw you walking. —What, walking? —Yes, walking. —I had to do some talkingTo get a little kiss. —Oh, say, I heard her giggling. —What, giggling? —Yes, giggling. —And she can do some giggling! —Say, I heard her tell you this: —What, Bill?

—Hey mister! —Yes? —Can you tell me where King Toot-Toot-and-Come-In's tomb is? —Ha-ha! Why, tut, tut, tut, my boy! You mean King Tutankhamen's tomb. —Aye, that's the man. Do you know anything about him? —Do I know anything about him? Why, you just listen to me:

VERSE 1: Three thousand years ago, In history we know, King Tutankhamen ruled a mighty land. He ruled for many years 'Mid lots of song and cheers. He made a record that will always stand. Why, they opened up his tomb the other day and jumped with glee. They learned a lot of ancient history.

CHORUS 1: In old King Tut-Tut-Tutankhamen's day, Beneath the tropic skies, King Tut-Tut-Tut was very wise. Now old King Tut-Tut-Tut was always gay. Cleopatra, see, Sat upon his knee. Hat(?), that's where she sat. The girls would dance for him and ev'ry move a treat. They'd move and move and move but never move their feet. A thousand girls would dance each day With lots of hip, hip, hip hooray In old King Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut, King Tutty's day.

VERSE 2: His tomb instead of tears, Was full of souvenirs. He must have traveled greatly in his time. The golden silverware That they found hidden there Was from hotels of ev'ry land and clime. While going through his royal robes they found up in his sleeve The first love letter Adam wrote to Eve.

CHORUS 2: In old King Tut-Tut-Tutankhamen's day, The dances then in style Would even make the old sick smile. In old King Tut-Tut-Tutankhamen's day, On the desert sands, Old King Tutty's band Played while maidens swayed. They danced for old King Tut 'neath moonlit skies for warmth. They wore such happy smiles and were in perfect form. They danced for him both fat and thin. He didn't care a darn what shape they were in, In old King Tut-Tut-Tut, King Tutty's day.

CHORUS 3: In old King Tut-Tut-Tutankhamen's day, There was no Mister Heinz With fifty-seven diff'rent kinds. In old King Tut-Tut-Tutankhamen's day, Peaches of that land, They were never canned, Pears left(?) anywhere. Why, Sam from Alabam' would not run one, two, three. Oh, what a mark he'd be for old Mark Antony! Why Valentino as a sheik, He wouldn't last a half a week In old King Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut-Tut, King Tutty's day.

Now I love people north and south, people east and west, But of all the people in the world you love yourself the best. There's nothing ever worries me; nothing makes me blue. When trouble knocks upon your door, tell me what you do. On my ukulele, on my ukulele, I keep strumming gaily, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Now you were sitting on the fence. What do you think of that? A bulldog came right up behind and bit me where I sat. My girl is pretty as can be; she's got the cutest bob. You're going to be married soon, as soon as she gets a job. On my uke, on my uke, On my uke, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la!

A boy stood on the burning deck; his hands were full of blisters. His pants got burned and I just learned he had to wear his brother's. I called upon my girl one night; her dad came home real late. You asked him for his daughter's hand; he handed you the gate. On my ukulele, ya-ha-ha-ha-ha! On my ukulele, ya-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The Prince of Wales met sister once, ran out and bought a ring, But she said, "You can talk to me when they crown you king." Now there's a certain guy I know, a most conceited chap. When I looked up his fam'ly tree, I found he was the sap. On my ukulele, on my ukulele. I keep strumming gaily, tra-la-la-la-la-la-la!

I feel so awfully sore today; I'm lit up like a lamp. For two cents you'd go out right now and lick a postage stamp. We couldn't find the baby once while sitting in the park. But since you feed him garlic now, you find him in the dark. I bought myself a radio; it's wonderful, by gosh! But the neighbors use your aerial to hang up all their wash. On my ukulele, yoodle-yoodle-yoodle-yoodle-you-do! On my ukulele, yoodle-yoodle-yoodle-yoodle-you!

My brother is a plumber, and oh, how he can plumb! He plumbs by day and plumbs by night; I'd say that's plumbin' some. A girl I know fell down the stairs and got some awful thumps. Now she's got water on the knees; that's why she's wearing pumps. If rain makes all things beautiful, it's sure some recipe! I'm goin' out some stormy night and let it pour on me. On my ukulele, ya-ha-ha-ha-ha! On my ukulele, ya-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Loving this - imagine Mitch Parish could write Stardust and then the Uke Song!

"I bought myself a radio; it's wonderful, by gosh! But the neighbors use your aerial to hang up all their wash."

My mother told how the family first put the crystal radio in the punch bowl to get better sound, and then how her brother started stinging wire across the backyard for an aerial. Good times if you had a Ford!

But I'd still take Dead Egyptian Blues over the Tut song. Chris in Hot Hot Portland

—Good morning, paisan. —Ah, buongiorno, signore. Come stai? —Oh, I'm fine. Come stai to you, paisan. —Oh, molto bene. —Hey, what are you doin' anyhow? You workin'? —Work-a? Oh, boss, I got a fine-a job now. —Yeah? —I'm a politish'. —What do you mean, you're a politish'? —Oh, I got a swell-a job. I politish' the boulevard. Yeah, paisan. Say, I tell you something. You know where's a restaurant? —Why Joe, what kind do you want? —Oh, a nice-a place. You capisce? Where they make Italian dish? —Well now, there's Tony's. Do you see? —Where? —Two blocks down the street. —All right. Goodbye. That's the place for me. —Well, what are you going to eat?

—Pastafazoola. —Will you tell me what you mean? —Sure I tell. Pastafazoola. That's-a noodle and-a navy bean. —First antipasto. —I must order it some time. —And then you must-o have Italian wine. Pastafazoola make-a weak-a man-a strong. Pastafazoola make you live-a very long. You want-a be a great big sheik? —Yes. —Make-a women bite-a you cheek? —Sure. —Well, don't be a fool; eat pastafazool. He's-a very good. He make you feel fine, you know? Now paisan, want-a something great? —Sure. Come on, I'll have a plate. —I'll bet you my barber shop. —Well, I'll take one bite and then I'll stop. —Hey waiter, waiter, come on, make-a hurry up! —Don't be so foolish! —Well now, what-a you want? You ask-a me what to eat. Just bring us one big dish.

Pastafazoola, it's-a very good to eat. —Say what makes Babe Ruth hit a home run? —And what-a Mister Rockefeller make a lot o' mon'? —What makes Jack Dempsey think he can fight? —Pastafazoola, 'cause he eats him ev'ry night. —Well, what makes McCormick sing a high note? —And what made Christopher Columbo take a boat? What's-a make-a Mussolini boss of Italy? —And what made Lindbergh fly across the sea?

Pastafazoola! We will tell you what we mean. Pastafazoola! Noodle and-a navy bean. First antipasto, you must order it sometime. And then you must-o have Italian-a wine. Pastafazoola! Make-a weak-a man-a strong. Pastafazoola! Make-a live-a very long. —And if you want a great big chest, —Push the buttons off-a you vest, —Don't be a fool. Eat pastafazool.

You're in the army now. You're in the army now. You'll never get rich by diggin' a ditch. You're in the army now. Company, halt!

—Well, it's about time. —What's the idea? What do you mean by talkin' in rank? —Well, because I got some'n' to say. —Well, if you want to talk to me, write me a letter. —Well, if I did, you couldn't read it. —Says you! —Says me! —If I had a face like yours, I'd walk backwards. —Yes, and if I had a physog like yours I'd grow whiskers. Ha-ha-ha! —Who did that? I'll find out. I'll tell the cockeyed world,

—We are two men upon the screen, —The biggest laughs you've ever seen. —We're two marines who fight in peace or war. —Why, you never saw such hard-boiled guys. —For cussin' we could take a prize. —And here is how we make the people roar: —Hey, Sergeant Flagg! —Yeah, Sergeant Quirt! —Why, you horse marine, you need a manicure. —Is that so? You're gooey. —Who? —Oh, you're gooey! —Who? Not one percent of half of you is pure. —Say listen, Quirt. —What is it now? —You know, I notice no mosquitoes bother you. —Yes, they fly right past me bunk. —That's because they know you're punks. —Says you! —Says me! I'll tell the cockeyed world.

—[Sound of machine-gun fire] —Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Who fired that machine gun? —I did. —And what for? —Me foot's asleep and I want to wake it up. —Ah, you're asleep all over. —Yes, well, I'm not the only one. —Meanin' me? —Meanin' you! —I suppose you'd like to put me to sleep? —Yeah, with a spade. —Says you! —Says me!

—We guys have fought in ev'ry war, —And over ev'ry girl we saw. —We've asked a million girls to be our wives. —So I will say I hope you choke. —And I will say I hope you croak. —Yet, for each other we would give our lives. Oh, Sergeant Flagg! —Yeah, Sergeant Quirt? —You think that you got personality. —Is that so? You bozo! —Who? —You bozo! —Who? What you have got is poison-ality. —Say listen, Quirt. —What's that, Sergeant Flagg? —You say the girl you kissed last night blushed? —Did she blush, I hope to shout! —That was measles breaking out. —Says you! —Says me! —I'll tell the cockeyed world.

[Captain Flagg and Sergeant Quirt were the 2 main characters in the play "What Price Glory" (1924), written by Maxwell Anderson and Laurence Stallings. It was adapted to film twice, first starring Victor McLaglen and Edmund Lowe in 1926, and later, James Cagney and Dan Dailey in 1952. In the play, Flagg and Quirt were played by Louis Wolheim and William Boyd, who later became famous as Hopalong Cassidy.]

There's a maiden in our town By the name of Mary Brown. She has a little dimple on her chin. All the fellows in our town Follow Mary all around Because she has a dimple on her chin.

Mary hasn't pretty clothes And she hasn't silken hose. She has a little dimple on her chin. She has freckles on her nose. Still she has a lot of beaux Because she has a dimple on her chin.

—What do you say to a little dance, William? —Terrific idea! ... There!

At our house each night at nine All the fellows wait in line To see the little dimple on her chin. When they call, they hang about Till her father kicks them out Because she has a dimple on her chin.

She went to a beauty place Where they lifted up her face And how lifted it, it was a sin. Now you look at her and see Where the forehead used to be: The pretty little dimple on her chin.

—Now we'll dance with our hats off. —Yes, it's warm enough.

Once she wasn't feeling good So she went to Doctor Wood And asked him what was wrong when she went in. He examined her then he Said to her: "All that I see's A pimple in the dimple on your chin."

Our poor Mary is a fright When she goes to bed at night. Her hair is false and so is ev'ry limb. She removes her wooden leg, Hangs her teeth upon the peg, But she don't remove the dimple on her chin.

—Ah, the sailor's hornpipe! —Now, hats on. —Heave ho!

As a party years ago, Ev'rybody that you know Recited soulfully of Gunga Din, But those classics are passé, For the folks recite today "She Has a Little Dimple on Her Chin."

Scientists from near and far Came by aeroplane and car To study Mary's dimple on her chin. Then they made a big report: It was nothing but a wart And not a little dimple on her chin.

—Now on one foot.

Once to Washington she went And in Congress, ev'ry gent Was staring at the dimple on her chin. Speeches stopped upon the floor. Senators began to roar: "She has a little dimple on her chin!"

Then the Speaker got real mad Yelled, "Have order! This is bad! Take the floor now, Senator O'Flynn," But the senator turned red. "Mister Speaker, sir," he said, "She has a little dimple on her chin."

Though it doesn't mean a thing, We could sing and sing and sing About the little dimple on her chin, But we're running out of rhymes, So we'll sing another time About the little dimple on her F-A-C-E, chin.

SPOKEN PATTER: —Say, Bill, do you remember Sally Brown that we went to school with? —Yes, Ernie, I do. —Well, wasn't she a dumb Dora in school, especially in arithmetic? —Well, she might have been dumb at school, Ernie, but you should see her subtract now. —Subtract? What do you mean subtract? —Well, she takes ten from one, and twenty from another one,—just a girl what knows her onions, Ernie. —Ha-ha-ha! Hey, Bill, you know—

VERSE 1: On Broadway the other day I met someone you know. —Peggy Joyce? Is she in town? —Don't be a fool; it was Sally Brown. —Oh, you mean the village queen? —Yes, she's in a Ziegfeld show. —That so? —And she's made quite a name. —Well, she's just a chorus dame.

CHORUS 1: —Yes, and she rides in a limousine. —Ah, she knows her onions! —Well, tell me please just what you mean. —Ah, she knows her onions! —She's just a farmer's daughter, brought up in Ioway. —Her father never taught her the things she knows today. —You say she knows her onions. I don't quite get your talk. —I'll bet she has no bunions. —Why? —She don't get out and walk. —Ah! —She's got mink and sable fur, —And all she gets is forty per. —She's a girl who knows her onions!

VERSE 2: —Well, by gum, that gal was dumb back in the village school. —She has changed somehow. That gal's well educated now. —Well, the teacher said her brain was dead. —That teacher was a fool! She's smart, I'm telling you. —Well, I'll give her credit, too,

CHORUS 2: 'Cause she's got diamonds in her ear. —She knows her groceries! —And you ought to see her lavaliere. —Ah-ha-ha, she knows her vegetables! —This simple country maiden from fields of new-mown hay— —And you should her p'radin' along the Gay White Way! —She stays out after 'leven, right in the city's whirl, —'Cause she believes that heaven protects the woikin' goil! —Ah! —She's got lots of stocks and bonds. —Gentlemen prefer the blondes. —She's a girl who knows her onions!

CHORUS 3: She's got money in the bank. She knows her onions! No one but herself to thank. She knows her onions! She hates finale-hoppers. She don't like college boys. She likes the sugar-poppers who buy expensive toys. She hardly ever dances with a collegiate sheik. She don't take any chances; she likes 'em old and weak. Ah! —Never goes on auto dates —Without takin' roller skates. She's a girl who knows her onions!

Ah!

[Finale hopper: a person who enters a theater, music-hall, stadium, etc., after ticket-takers have left; a deadbeat.

CHORUS 3: You're getting too cranky, getting too cross. You're wondering how to get a divorce. And so is your old lady. You're learning to Charleston, learning to step. You're full of new life and full of new pep. And so is your old lady. —Though you don't think I'm as young as I was, dear, —I know somebody who does, dear. You're starting to flirt; you're starting to fall. You're acting like you wasn't married at all, And so is your old lady.

PATTER:—Good morning, William. How are you? —I'm fine Ernie. Isn't it a beautiful spring day? —It certainly is, Bill, and I do love spring. I love to see the nighting-glories blooming in the mid-day sun. —Ha-ha-ha! And the double-breasted robins throwing off their winter overcoats and singing their sweet evening song. —Ah, Bill, isn't that music lovely? —Let us sing the spring song, Ernest. —All right, Bill. Let's do so.

VERSE 1: —When the clouds begin to gather and they hide the sun, Why, that's a sign it's going to rain. —And when a fellow thinks that two can live as cheap as one, Why that's a sign —Sign of what? —That he's insane. —You believe in signs, it's very easy to see. —Yes, I believe in signs, and you'll agree with me:

CHORUS 1: When the birdies in the trees start to sing their melodies, Then you'll know that spring is here. —When you see the BVDs waving gently in the breeze, Then you'll know that spring is here. —When you see the nurses pushing baby buggies in the park, —Yes, and with the coppers they hold hands and spoon until it's dark, —When the mustard bites the hot-dog —and they all begin to bark, —Then you'll know that spring is here.

VERSE 2: —If a black cat crossed your path, it's bad luck, you will say. Now that's just fine, 'cause that's a sign. —Well, uh, tell me how you foretell things that happen ev'ry day. —Because each kind's a pet of mine. —Well, uh, are there any signs that tell the time of the year? —Sure, there are lots of signs. I will make them clear.

CHORUS 2: When you see the boys all flock with their overcoats to hock, Then you'll know that spring is here. —When you see the weaker sex wrapping furs around their necks, Then you'll know that spring is here. —When department stores all advertise the biggest sales on earth, —The women go a-bargain hunting and they're filled with mirth, —When they pay two bucks for stockings —and they show ten dollars' worth, Then you'll know that spring is here.

CHORUS 3: When the garlic starts to bloom and gives out its sweet perfume, Then you'll know that spring is here. When you see a fairy queen flitting up and down the green, Then you'll know that spring is here. —When your wifie from the attic all your golf sticks starts to lug, —You're happy 'cause you think at last for golf she's got the bug, —But when she hands you the stick, —says, "Go out and beat the rug," Then you'll know that spring is here.

The following transcription comes from the sheet music which you can see at the University of Mississippi web site. Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys) stick pretty close to the original words, but they change the order of the verses and change a line here and there.

VERSE 1: "Don't believe a thing you hear, nor half of what you see," Mother always said to me when I was a kid of three. Now I know that she was right, right in ev'ry way. In the papers ev'ryday, here's what the headlines say:

CHORUS 1: Chorus girls are darn good cooks. That's a lot of bunk. And they love to read good books. That's a lot of bunk. Two girls took two boys in their car. When they got out pretty far, The boys said, "Stop or we'll tell Ma." That's a lot of bunk. Father get the hammer. There's a fly on baby's head.

VERSE 2: This fool song has got no sense, when all is said and done, But I think it's lots of fun, and I've only just begun. Now I hope the audience won't think I'm a bore, And I hope they won't get sore, 'cause I'm gonna sing some more.

CHORUS 2: Taxi drivers never cheat. That's a lot of bunk. Cops are always on their beat. That's a lot of bunk. I took a showgirl out with me, Dined at Cafe de Paris. She said, "I'll just have cake and tea." That's a lot of bunk. She knocked my apartment, and so I knocked her flat.

CHORUS 3: Waiters never take a tip. That's a lot of bunk. Car conductors never gyp. That's a lot of bunk. Why only just the other day I phoned two thousand miles, and say, I got my number right away. That's a lot of bunk. Was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.

CHORUS 4: My landlord's a poor old gent. That's a lot of bunk. And he's never raised the rent. That's a lot of bunk. The cats in all the yards, oh, my! They sing so sweet; they sing so high, I love to hear their lullaby. That's a lot of bunk. We got a goat without any nose but, gosh, how he can smell!

CHORUS 5: Everybody loves to die. That's a lot of bunk. Little babies never cry. That's a lot of bunk. I met a tramp whose funds were low. I listened to his tale of woe, And said, "Poor man, take all my dough." That's a lot of bunk. Throw a sponge in water, then you'll see something swell.

CHORUS 6: Actors lead an awful life. That's a lot of bunk. Every man's true to his wife. That's a lot of bunk. The soldiers fought for you and me. They fought for our liberty. They'll get their bonus; wait and see. That's a lot of bunk. Automobiles come from China, because they go "Hong Kong."

PATTER: —Under the blacksmith chestnut tree, there was moss upon the ground, and— —The smith a mighty name has he, the same as Jones and Brown. —Ha-ha-ha! Hey, Bill! We've got that thing all wrong. —Well, everything's different in the village now, Ernie. —Well, say—

VERSE: Why not tell the folks right here How the blacksmith's acting queer? Why, they think he's an honest bloke Who bears a heavy yoke. Oh, they would never know him now. Did he change? Oh, boy, and how! He heard one morn an auto horn And things are diff'rent now.

CHORUS 1: Underneath the chestnut tree the service station stands. The smith is mighty wealthy now and owns a lot of land. Why, there's a car born ev'ry minute With a yokel riding in it. He gets 'em comin', gets 'em goin'. How his bankroll keeps on growin'! He used to go on Sunday just to hear the parson pray, But he don't go to church no more, for that's his busy day. Hey, two bits a pint he gets for gasoline and water. Oh, the village blacksmith owns the village now.

CHORUS 2: Underneath the chestnut tree the service station stands. The smith is mighty wealthy now and owns a lot of land. Why, he has five or six garages, Bigger diamonds than the raja's, And he's a devil, likes to revel. Why can't he be on the level? He used to love the children and would play with them each day, But now he sells them lollipops and takes their dough away. Hey! Honk! Honk! There goes the horn. He earns another dollar. Oh, the village blacksmith owns the village now.

PATTER: —Hey, Bill! No wonder the village blacksmith owns the village now. You know he's a pretty smart fellow. Do you remember the other day when we were at the service station? One of the town boys came up to him and said, "Say, mister blacksmith, which nut on an automobile is the most important?" —And the blacksmith told him, didn't he, Ernie? —You bet! —He said the nut that holds the steering wheel is most important!

CHORUS 3: Underneath the chestnut tree the service station stands. The smith is mighty wealthy now and owns a lot of land. On the fairground he's a faker, Fools the boys with his dice shaker, Sells Doc Munyon's cure for bunions. He's no rube; he knows his onions. He used to toil and labor till the sweat rolled down his chin, But now he tips his neighbor on the horse that's going to win. Hey! "Clang! Clang!" go the pearls upon his wife and daughter. Oh, the village blacksmith owns the village now.

VERSE 1: I went to school; that's how I got my knowledge. Well, that's nothing great, 'cause I went all through college. I know one thing that that you can't answer me. Well, what can that one thing be?

CHORUS 1: What does the pussycat mean when she says, "Meow"? Why the same as the little dog means when he says, "Bow-wow." I know that hay means horses, And marriage means divorces, But what does the pussycat mean when she says, "Meow"?

VERSE 2: My sister May got married last December, And that certain day you always will remember. When the preacher said, "Honor and obey," The crowd began to say:

CHORUS 2: What does the pussycat mean when she says, "Meow"? The same as the little dog means when he says, "Bow-wow." I know that clams mean chowder, And a shiny nose means powder, But what does the pussycat mean when she says, "Meow"?

BRIDGE: I know that church means Sunday and that Friday means a fish. I know that wash means Monday and a platter means a dish. I know a boy means mister and a girlie means a miss, And when her lips touch his lips then I know it means a kiss. A baby means a rattle and a barrel means a keg, And when a chicken cackles, you can tell she's laid an egg. I know that green means Irish and that Irish means a cop. Limburger means a Dutchman and spaghetti means a wop.

CHORUS 3: So what does the pussycat mean when she says, "Meow"? The same as the little dog means when he says, "Bow-wow." I know that rain means water, And two bits mean a quarter, But what does the pussycat mean when she says, "Meow"?

VERSE 1: Johnny White said, "I'm in right; a big time's on tonight. With all the girls, I'll be a smarty." Kept his date at half-past eight, made sure he wasn't late, To meet the girls down at the party. He took one look 'round the flat. Then grabbed his coat and his hat, and hollered:

CHORUS 1: What! No women? What kind of a party is this? Now where are the flappers you spoke of today? This looks like a branch of the Y. M. C. A.! What! No women? Why, they're my specialty. To sing about Sweet Adeline may have its charms, But I prefer Sweet Adeline right in my arms. This is no party for me.

VERSE 2: In his tux, with seven bucks, his collar washed in Lux, John hunts the girls at ev'ry party. Latest style and greatest smile, he's saying all the while, "Bring on the girls; I'm hale and hearty." But when he finds there are none, Here's what this son of a gun will holler:

CHORUS 2: What! No women? What kind of a party is this? You said I'd get Muriel so I brought my car, But now you say Muriel is just a cigar. What! No women? Say, really it's a crime, I came up here tonight all set to hug and kiss, But heaven help a sailor in a night like this. Thanks for the terrible time!

CHORUS 3: What! No women? What kind of a party is this? Now, I like the chicken in your fricassee, But I must have chicken served right on my knee. What! No women? Say, they're the spice of life. You said, "Now don't bring Lulu 'cause she don't act right," But you can bet that Lulu would have saved the night. Guess I'll go home to the wife.

PATTER: [BJ] Hello, Ernie. [EH] Hello, Bill. [BJ] Are you all set for the party? [EH] Sure I am. Look at me. And I hope there'll be plenty of women there, because women, women, women is what I crave. [BJ] You're always shoutin', "Women, women, women is what I crave." Listen, I never saw a fellow like you.

VERSE 1: [BJ] Let me take your hat and coat. Just make yourself at home. [EH] Am I in time for this big party? [BJ] You're right on time and the table's set, but not for food alone. [EH] Gee, that sounds fine. Where is this party? Will I meet Mabel and Grace? [BJ] Mabel and Grace? [EH] Mm. [BJ] No women at all in this place, and that's final.

CHORUS 1: [EH] What! No women? [BJ] That's right. [EH] What kind of a party is this? [BJ] A very nice party. I said that this party was strictly a stag. [EH] Well, you know I can get a kick out of chewing the rag. What! No women? [BJ] Absolutely. [EH] Why, they're my specialty. [BJ] We'll sing "Sweet Adeline," for singing has its charms. [EH] Ah, but I prefer sweet Adeline right in my arms. [BJ] "Sweet Adeline, [EH] My Adeline." What! No women? [BJ] Posilutely. [EH] Well, this is no party for me.

PATTER: [BJ] Ah, this is a good party. Don't complain at all. [EH] Something else I want to tell you:

VERSE 2: [EH] You know, when I'm dressed up in my best, you know I'm always blessed. I find the girls at ev'ry party. [BJ] The latest style and the greatest smile, you're saying all the while, "Bring on the girls." [EH] Yes, I'm hale and hearty. [BJ] But when you find there are none. [EH] Mm. [BJ] Here is what I always hear you holler:

CHORUS 2: [BJ] "What! No women?" [EH] You bet! [BJ] "What kind of a party is this?" [EH] Ha-ha-ha! [BJ] I told you that you'd get Muriel if you brought your car. [EH] Yes, and now I find Muriel is just a cigar. What! No women? [BJ] You heard me. [EH] Say, really it's a crime. What was that girlish laughter just as I passed by? [BJ] Oh, that was just a fellow with a red necktie. [EH] What! No women? [BJ] Well, thanks for the use of the hall.

CHORUS 3: [BOTH] What! No women? What kind of a party is this? Now, I like a smoker, and poker's just grand, But I must have wheels(?) when I start holding hands. What! No women? I guess I'd better roam. [BJ] Too bad the Ringling Brothers' Circus ain't in town. [EH] Yes, you might have had the bearded lady to come down. [BOTH] What! No women? Well, me for the old ladies' home.

[As much as I like their arrangement, I think they made a mistake in leaving out the line "Guess I'll go home to the wife."]

First Line: He's a coming He's a coming, Hear the drumming, Rum-tum-tumming First Line of Chorus: Oh say what a day when Lindy comes home, When Lindy comes home to his mother

Lyrics as sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys):

PATTER: Here he comes, Ernie. Yes, here he comes, Bill.

VERSE 1: He's a-coming; he's a-coming. Hear the drumming, rum-tum-tumming. See those flags, oh, boy, how they fly, And see those airplanes up in the sky. Oh, hear them humming; hear them humming. Lindy's coming; Lindy's coming home.

CHORUS 1: Oh, say, what a day when Lindy comes home, When Lindy comes home to his mother. Say, what a day from the earth to the dome. Like the ancients of Rome, we shall welcome him home. Oh, wait and see America rise With one, two, three, four fourth of Julys. Oh, say, what a day from Gotham to Nome, When Lindy comes back from across the foam, To his home sweet home.

CHORUS 2: Oh, say, what a day when Lindy comes home, When Lindy comes home to his mother. Say, what a day, what a hip-hip-hooray. We'll put Europe away with the honors we'll pay. The cannons' roar you'll hear in the air. A thousand bands will play over there. Oh, say, what a day for poet and poem, When Lindy comes back from across the foam To his home sweet home.

1. They say that ev'ry fireman wears suspenders that are red, Because they hold his trousers up and keep him out of bed. But who cares? Who cares? Who cares anyhow? My folks all say I was born this way, but who cares anyhow?

2. A bumblebee will never sing about his little honey. I hardly think a policeman's club will ever strike me funny. But who cares? Who cares? Who cares anyhow? I know some jokes that that I can't tell folks, but who cares anyhow?

—Say Bill, what's the difference between the North and the South Pole? —All the difference in the world, Ernie.

3. I never saw a butterfly that ever could make butter, And even all the nicest streets will end up in the gutter. But who cares? Who cares? Who cares anyhow? I'm so darn bright that I shine at night, but who cares anyhow?

—Ernie, did I tell you my last Scotch story? —I hope so.

4. They call me maple sugar 'cause I'm just a refined sap, And when my girl feels all run down, she winds up in my lap. But who cares? Who cares? Who cares anyhow? You'll all agree something's wrong with me, but who cares anyhow?

—Speaking of Scotch jokes, you know I often wonder how you ever get away with all the Scotch jokes that you tell. —Well, half of my ancestors were Scotch. —What was the other half? —Oh, ginger ale.

5. A bullfrog lives a long, long time although each night he croaks, And I know my sweetie's not so hot because she never smokes. But who cares? Who cares? Who cares anyhow? It's a crazy song and it won't last long, but who cares anyhow?

—Hey, Bill! Whatever became of your sister? —Oh, she has a new position now. —What's she doing? —She's a waitress in a lunatic asylum. —A waitress in a lunatic asylum? —Yeah, she carries soup to nuts.

6. They say that a banana skin will make a lovely slipper. I don't believe I'll ever drink moonshine from the big dipper. But who cares? Who cares? Who cares anyhow? We tolled the bell, but the bell can't tell, but who cares anyhow?

Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares who cares anyhow? I do! I do! I do! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, we don't care. We know you don't care. So who cares anyhow?

PATTER: —Say, Ernie, you have to be a doctor in this record. —All right, Bill. —Say, doc! —What is it, Bill? —Do you think I'll live to be a hundred years old? —Well, I don't know. Let me see, do you smoke? —No. —Do you drink? —No. —Do you stay out late at night? —No, sir. —Do you run around with the flappers? —I should say not! —Well, what in the world do you want to live to be a hundred years old for? —Well, anyway, there's something wrong with me. —Well, there must be if you've come to me. —Well, there will be if I pay you. —Do you mean that you won't pay me? —Well, how much do I owe you, doc? —Well now, let me see. You owe me for four visits already, and this makes five. —Well, put it all on one bill and I'll disappoint you in a lump. —Ha-ha-ha...! Come, Bill. Let's get into the song. All right, Dave.

VERSE 1: —Oh, tell me tell me, doctor, what can be wrong with me? —Say, have you got a headache or water on the knee? —Well, someone said I'm full of prunes; that's why I'm sad and blue. —Say, here's the only remedy. —Please tell me what to do.

CHORUS 1: —Why aren't yez eatin' more oranges from Cal-i-for-ni-ay? —I don't know. I'll get myself a Sunkist maiden. —And I'll bet you'll like her orange aidin'. Oh, the fruit of the old apple tree Is a lot of applesauce today. —Say, why aren't yez eatin' more oranges from Cal-i-for-ni-ay?

PATTER: —Say, Bill, you know my father's doing very well since his operation. —Say, Ernie, what did the surgeon do when he operated on your father? —Well there must be some catch in this. What does the surgeon do when he operates on my father? —Sews your old man! —Ha-ha-ha...!

VERSE 2: —Oh, tell me tell me, doctor, what is this pain right here? —If you had waited one day more, you would have died, I fear. —Well, is the case a chronic one? I'd love to know. Oh gee! —I'll write a nice prescription, sir. —Oh, doctor, let me see!

CHORUS 2: —Why aren't yez eatin' more oranges from Cal-i-for-ni-ay? —You know my sweetie's very fond of fruities. —Well, go buy a box of Sunkist beauties. —You can go there and eat them, you see. It's a great investment any day. —Say, why aren't yez eatin' more oranges from Cal-i-for-ni-ay?

CHORUS 1: Why aren't yez eatin' more oranges from Cal-i-for-ni-ay? Go get yourself a Sunkist maiden. I'll bet you'll like her orange aidin'. Oh, the fruit of the old apple tree Is a lot of applesauce today. Say, why aren't yez eatin' more oranges from Cal-i-for-ni-ay?

1. April fool we all learned at school. It comes but once a year. Most ev'ry one has a lot of fun each time that day draws near. Now, you can fool some folks sometimes, once Lincoln he did say, But I will ne'er forget the words that I heard my old dad say:

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Now, you won't find feathers on a bulldog's legs. A hen won't lay you hard-boiled eggs. It snows but never in July. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

2. Adam Howe had a Jersey cow who had a little calf. He named the calf Elizabeth, which made the neighbors laugh. He asked the folks what made 'em grin. Their answer was a wow: "You named that calf Elizabeth but it ain't that kind a cow."

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Now, you won't call rye-bread choc'late cake. You can't get milk from a cow named Jake. A Turkish bath's an alibi, But you can't fool an old hoss fly.

EXTRA VERSES AND CHORUSES:

3. Flossie Green the village queen in autos liked to roam; Had a mishap for a city chap, made Flossie walk back home. She got home late; her dad got sore, and said, "Here's what to do: Next time you go in an auto, Flo, take roller skates with you."

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Now, a bee won't hurt you when he's buzzin' around, But glory hallelujah when the bee sets down! He'll sting you where the clouds roll by. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

4. Farmer Brown came to New York town to see the Gay White Way. He took a stroll and his bankroll passed out in just one day. When he got home, a friend said, "Gee, I'll be you bought Grant's Tomb." He said, "Not me. I fooled 'em, see. I bought the Hippy-Drome."

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Now, a mouse ran up an elephant's trunk, But he's too wise to fool with a skunk. Crabapples won't make pumpkin pie. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

5. A suffragette made a little bet that in this land of free, A woman nowadays could be what any man could be. A young man in the crowd spoke up; his answer made her wild. Said he, "I'd like to see you be the father of a child."

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. A dog sat on the trolley track. A car hit him an awful smack. We'll have hot doggies by and by. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

6. Abie Fein said to Finklestein, "I passed your house today. I saw you hug and kiss your wife. You sure can love, I'll say!" Said Finklestein to Abie Fein: "Such funny words you speak! I'll tell you true, the joke's on you; I ain't been home for a week!"

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Now, Finklestein said, "Listen to me. If you saw your wife on Goldberg's knee—." Said Abe, "I'd sell the darn settee!" Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly

7. Humpty Dumpty took a fall from off the wall, great Scott! He raised a great big bumpty on his goodness-knowsy-what. You know the reason why he fell? I'll tell you pretty quick: His wifie caught him flirtin' and she soaked him with a brick.

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Now, Jack and Jill went up the hill. They went for water but they found a still, And that's why they came tumbling down. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

8. Doctor Small he used to call on sick folks every day. He fell in love with a Mrs. Dove, a married woman gay. One night he fell into a well; we heard him loudly groan. He should have tended to the sick and let the well alone.

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Young Johnny Jones marries Sally Meek. They plan a home, just so to speak: A dollar down and a sheriff a week. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

9. Mary had a little lamb, which made the fellows laugh. They made her sore because they yelled, "Oh, look at Mary's calf!" She got so mad she got a gun and shot her lambie dead, And now she takes her lamb to school between two hunks of bread.

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. George Washington would never tell a lie. He chopped down the cherry tree but didn't say why. His favorite fruit was cherry pie. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

10. Now, Percy Hare wed Peggy Clare; they fell in love at sight. Their honeymoon they started soon and on their bridal night, Her teeth came out; her hair came off; poor Percy said, "Oh, gee!" When Peg took off her wooden leg, he yelled, "I married a tree!"

CHORUS: Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly. A camel goes dry for a week, I vow, But who the H—— wants to be a camel now? Bootleggers say we still get rye. Oh, you can't fool an old hoss fly.

The following lyrics are from the sheet music at IndianaHistory.org: Click for a PDF. Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys) stick pretty close to the original lyrics, but they embellish the song with some new lines after the first chorus.

1. I've heard a lot 'bout Paradise, But Paradise ain't half as nice As my Kentucky home-sweet-home. You'll sure believe just what I say If you should ever stray some day Down to my old Kentucky home. It won't be hard to find If you'll keep this on your mind:

CHORUS: When you see a field where grass is blue, And ev'rything looks good to you, You're in Kentucky sure as you're born. When a million sunbeams light your way, Says, "Come on, stranger, won't you stay?" You're in Kentucky sure as you're born. When the shadows creep, You can go to sleep On a carpet of moonbeams. You can dream your dreams 'Neath a blanket of gleaming stars. If you wake at dawn 'mid glist'nin' dew, And find old Dixie kissin' you, You're in Kentucky sure as you're born.

2. I'd surely love to fall asleep, Let pretty dreams around me creep Of my Kentucky home-sweet-home. Just put me on a railroad track. Won't need no train to take me back To my Kentucky home-sweet-home. If you go down there someday Please remember what I say: CHORUS

VERSE 1: –I have seen lots of funny things in my time. –But there's one thing you've not seen, I'd like to bet. –What's that? I'd like to know just what I have been missing. –Well, I'll tell you in the chorus but not yet. –Why, now you've got me puzzled. Won't you tell me what you mean? –The thing that's in my mind I must confess I haven't seen.

CHORUS 1: I've never... –Never what? –Never... –Never what? –I've never seen a straight banana. –I guess you'll admit You've searched quite a bit. –They're even curved when they are served in my banana split. –I have seen them by the carloads On the Delaware and Lackawanna. –Have you ever, ever? –No I've never. I've never seen a straight banana.

PATTER: –Crazy song, ain't it, Bill? –Yes, it is. –Ha-ha-ha!

VERSE 2: –I recall when I was in Alaska, I have seen the sun shine twelve o'clock at night. –Yeah? I have seen the waterfalls in old Niagara. I confess that it's a most impressive sight. –I'd like to see that certain thing, but if it's not to be, We'd like to meet somebody else who saw what we can't see.

CHORUS 2: –I've never... –Never what? –Never... –Never what? –I've never seen a straight banana. –Though they're things I hate, Millions I have ate. –Well, I'll bet you've yet to see bananas that are straight. –I have traveled far to find one. –Yes, I heard you were in Chile and Havana. –Still I never... –Never? Never what? –Never... –Never what? –I've never seen a straight banana.

CHORUS 3: Well I never (never), never (never), never (never), never (never), I've never seen a straight banana. Once I chanced to see A murder mystery. The jury found the pris'ner guilty in the first degree. All at once we heard the pris'ner Holler out, "This is the truth, your honor, But I've never (never), never (never), never (never), never (never), I've never seen a straight banana."

[First, here are the lyrics as they appear in the sheet music, which can be seen at the State Library of Victoria (Click for a PDF.):]

VERSE 1: Honey baby, you look so happy to me, And I'm wondering what the reason can be. Though you hide it somehow, I can understand now. What the reason is, it's so easy to see. You show it—

CHORUS 1: When I hug you and when I squeeze you and when I please you and such, You don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much. When I kiss you and when I tell you your lips are thrilling to touch, You don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much. When I hold you close in my arms awhile, you love it. You sigh and then you smile, contented. When I press you and I caress you and you say "I love you" and such, You don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much.

VERSE 2: Honey baby, your eyes just sparkle like dew. There's a secret in them I wish that I knew. Though they beg me to guess, There's no need, I confess. I can tell it by simply looking at you. You show it—

CHORUS 2: When I hold you, when I enfold you, and when I scold you and such, You don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much. When I phone you and say I'm lonely to see you only and such, You don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much. When I whisper sweet nothings in your ear, you love it. You smile and cuddle near, contented. When I petcha and say, "You betcha, I'm glad I metcha," and such, You don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much.

[And here are the lyrics as sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys) at YouTube:]

CHORUS 1: —Well, I'll tell you: I've been huggin' and I've been squeezin' and kind of teasin' and such. —Yes, and you don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much. —I've been kissing and I must tell you, those lips were thrilling to touch. —Yes, and you don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much. —Not much. When I hold her up close in my arms awhile, I love it. —I know now why you smile, contented. —When I press her and I caress her and I tell her I love her and such, —Then she don't like it. —No, she don't like it, not much.

VERSE 2: —Now, Billy, Billy, your eyes they sparkle like dew. —Ernie, Ernie, that shows what loving can do. —Well, you have sure got it bad. —Yes, worse than I ever had. —I can tell it by simply looking at you.

CHORUS 2: —Don't tell me; I know it. When I hold her and I enfold her, I often scold her and such. —And she don't like it; no, she don't like it, not much. —Not very much! When I phone her and say I'm lonely to see her only and such— —And you don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much. —No, and I call around and when lights are low, I love it. —Her brother hangs around, all evening. —I buy him candy and say he's dandy, but I could kill him and such. —And you don't like it; no, you don't like it, not much.

CHORUS 3: People write us, think they delight us; they boost our singing and such. And we don't like it; no, we don't like it, not much. They befriend us; some gifts they send us and often get us in Dutch. And we don't like it; no, we don't like it, not much. —Records that we make they say sell real good, so spend it. —We hear that you can get offended. We lose patience with our vacations; we go to Europe and such, And we don't like it; no, we don't like it, not much. —Not much! —Too much!

VERSE 1: We're the guys that wrote the book on etiquette. Yes, we know just how all your vittles should be et. (I'll say we do!) We have writ this little book about mistakes we've saw. Now take 'em down and don't forget that what we say is law.

CHORUS 1: Always leave your spoon right in your coffee. (Look out for your eye.) Starting with your soup, first sound your 'A', then play The Pilgrims' Chorus. Napkins are to catch the food that bounces off your knife, And tuck the napkin in so it will stay underneath your double chin. And always put both elbows on the table. Many other pointers we could mention. Now always gesture with your fork. Keep your mouth full when you talk. Thank you for your very kind attention.

CHORUS 2: When your tea is hot, just use your saucer. Pick the punkin pie up in your hand. (Don't squeeze it.) Never ask for anything that you can safely reach. Read rule eighty-two; you'll understand. Wipe your plate with bread when you have finished. (Mop up.) Many other pointers we could mention. Grab your glass so it won't drop, And always finish when you stop. Thank you for your very kind attention.

PATTER: We have some more to say on this matter.

VERSE 2: You know, we've been watching people eat for many, many years. Oh, and the way they eat has driven us to tears. (It's simply awful.) There's no reason you can't eat polite the same as we. Yeah, read our book on etiquettey; it's simple as can be.

CHORUS 3: Always mix your peas with your potatoes, And this makes eating with your knife a cinch. You know, when somebody asks for bread, grab several pieces in your mitt And deal 'em out like you were dealin' flinch, (bridge, poker, pinochle). Take two toothpicks; you might sometimes drop one. (Of course!) And many other pointers we could mention. Put your gum beneath your plate, And eat fast so you won't be late. Thank you for your very kind attention.

CHORUS 4: Never cut spaghetti up in pieces. Eat it like a chicken eatin' worms. When you're eating cake, be sure you eat the frosting first. Watch out for bacteria and germs. Always laugh when nothing funny happens. Many other pointers we could mention. Fingerbowls are set close by, In the event your glass runs dry. Thank you for your very kind attention.

Thanks for finding "You Don't Like It - Not Much"; what a treat! My first exposure to the Happiness Boys was "Like A Porcupine"--one of those "slated to be learned, but not there yet" songs. Thanks for taking the time to transcribe all of these, and for providing links! Keep 'em coming.

Here are some links to Happiness Boys clips on YouTube. I'm too lazy to make blickies for them all.

Hula Lou: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_R_hi5Yydg Lyrics by Jack Yellen, music by Milton Charles and Wayne King, 1924. I believe it was first recorded by Sophie Tucker in 1924; obviously her version is a tad different from Hare's. Also recorded by the Carolina Tar Heels (1927) and some others around the same time.

The lyrics to INDIANA LULLABY, as sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare, are posted in a separate thread--the reason being that there happen to be 2 songs with the same title, and I mistakenly transcribed the wrong one (from the sheet music) at first! Both songs are in the same thread.

YouTube has 2 versions of this song. The transcription below comes from Edison 50841-L (although I have omitted some of the patter). Emerson 10427 omits verse 2. Note there is one phrase I can't make out near the end.

PATTER: —Say, Ernest. —Will? —How do you feel? —Oh, I don't know. Why do you ask? —Well, the reason I asked, I thought that, uh,

VERSE 1: You look very tired and weary. —I am. I'd like to go where I'd leave my troubles behind. —I know a dandy place. You'll forget care as soon as you get there. —Well, Willie, where's this place you have in mind?

CHORUS: —Come along with me. —Where to? —Down to the old swimming hole. —Why sure! I'd like to be a kid again. —Well, don't forget to bring along your fishin' pole. —Could I lie beneath a tree? —Of course! From care you're going to be free. —Oh, boy! It's great to lie on the bank and look at the sky. —Hot dog! And let the rest of the world go by. —But if it gets too warm, —Why then, we'll dive right into the pool. —I'll bet that feels nice and cool. —Why you'll forget about home-sweet-home. You know that bathing suits are out of style. —Yes, just a coat of tan and a great big smile, When you go down to the old swimming hole.

VERSE 2: —Someday is a struggle for fortune. —Will I find that I have forgotten how to smile? —Yes indeed! So let's hurry and forget about worry, And we'll find that life's worthwhile.

CHORUS: Come along with me down to the old swimming hole. Come on and be a kid again, And don't forget to bring along your fishing pole. Underneath a tree, From care we're going to be free. It's great to lie on the bank and look at the sky, And let the rest of the world go by, And if it gets too warm, we'll dive right into the pool. It feels so nice and cool, You'll forget about home-sweet-home. Bathing suits are out of style. Just a coat of tan and a great big smile, When you go down to the old swimming hole.

NEW TUNE: First you take your clothes off, feeling pretty bold. A kid sticks in his toe and hollers, "Gee, the water's cold!" You stand around and shiver. Someone hollers with a grin, "The last one in's a sissy," then you all dive in. See an old bullfrog, catch him by the toe. When he starts to holler, then you gotta let him go. Splashing in the water till the sun begins to set. You're hungry and you wonder if you supper's ready yet. When you come to dress, that's when you come to grief. Your clothes are full of knots and ....(?) You can't get 'em on and you think you'll take a chance, So you tie your shirt around you where you ought to wear your pants. [Silly patter here.] You spend the whole day gettin' a tan on your face. At home you get a tanning in a diff'rent place, When you go down to the old swimming hole. Come on along!

The line as I hear it is "Your clothes are full of knots and your belly's short o' beef." You might expect it to explain why the trousers in particular were difficult to pull on, but I think it's just pointing out the kids' impatience to get home to supper, so they couldn't be bothered to fuss with their clothes. (What did they do to "knot" them, tie them to branches with a double sheel bend??)

This song was their first recording release as a performing team, in 1921 on Edison records. They had been paired up the year before to sing accompaniment on a Brunswick recording, "All She'd Say Was 'Umh Hum'" (link to another recording of the song; sheet music available at the Lester S. Levy Collection). Since "Swimming Hole" is now in the public domain, I hope the sheet music has been scanned somewhere online, but I haven't found it. I'd like to find the original lyrics, hopefully written for a single singer rather than a duo.

The team was dubbed "The Happiness Boys" to accord with their sponsor, Happiness Candies. When they changed sponsors, they correspondingly changed their moniker, becoming "The Taystee Loafers" for Taystee Bread and "The Interwoven Pair" for Interwoven Socks.

Wikipedia has an interesting article on them which mentions a few other songs, such as "She's the Sweetheart of Six Other Guys" and "We Ain't Never Been to College" (a response to the hit "Collegiate", which they also recorded). Tim Gracyk wrote a good summary of the team's history.

Let me also plug a fun Irving Berlin song from 1920 that I ran across:After You Get What You Want, You Don't Want It (YouTube clip; sheet music available at the Lester S. Levy Collection)

Somebody e-mailed me the following:

My daughter found the lyrics to a very old silly song my mother used to sing to us when we were kids. She was born in 1905. There's a phrase missing in the section under The Old Swimming Hole "New Tune" (Message_ID=3217046). It's after "Your clothes are full of knots" and the phrase is "And you have to chew beef." She explained that this meant you had to use your teeth to try to get the knots out of your clothes.

Thanks for helping us locate my mother's song, and also my father's, The Eastern Train.

VERSE 1: Romeo met Juliet upon the balcony. For his love affair, He had to climb the stair; And Antony had Cleopatra sitting on his knee, But his sweet romance Just put him in a trance. Buggy ridin' always had its day, But we've improved it; here's the latest way: Say—

CHORUS 1: Get 'em in a rumble, In a little rumble, Get 'em in a rumble seat. Girlies always crumble. Like the bees they bumble, Getting in a rumble seat. Now they just cuddle up and, oh, boy, how you feel! You sure can love 'em when you're not behind the wheel. There's a great attraction And lots of satisfaction, Sitting in a rumble seat. It's a great invention, And for close attention, Positively can't be beat. Now you can love your sweetie in the corner at night, Ah, but if you want your lovin' and you want it done right, Just get 'em in a rumble, In a little rumble, Get 'em in a rumble seat.

VERSE 2: Met a boy who had a girl but ... she didn't care. Why, he was mighty blue, And wondered what to do. Told me all about the girl and of his love affair. Couldn't see at all Just why she didn't fall. Then I said, "Why, that is nothing new. Once I had that very trouble too. Say—

CHORUS 2: Get her in a rumble, In a little rumble, Get her in a rumble seat. Girlies never grumble, Even though they stumble, Getting in a rumble seat. She can't resist you in your little runabout. She's got to hug you tight for fear she'll bounce right out. You won't have to worry If you only hurry. Get her in a rumble seat. Never holler, "No, sir" When you hold her closer, 'Cause she'll find it mighty sweet. A horsie knows his oats, but you can take it from me, A little rumble seat sure knows its upholstery. So get her in a rumble, Get her in a rumble, Get her in a rumble seat.

CHORUS 3: Pick 'em up at random. You can always land 'em, Sitting in a rumble seat. If there's engine trouble, You'll enjoy it double, Sitting in a rumble seat. The chauffeur fools around the motor and you smile, 'Cause you can fool around the old back seat awhile. If you have a blow-out, You don't have to go out. Stay right in the rumble seat. You can send a wire For another tire. Waiting for it is so sweet. A bus may carry lots of people; that may be right, But you can carry on much better cuddled up tight. And ...(?) You can get familiar Sitting in a rumble seat.

1. There's a fam'ly right next door Wakes us up at three or four When the daughter comes home with her beau. First they stand outside and chin; After that, they tiptoe in And begin their spooning down below. Then when all is quiet in the hall, Down the stairs you hear her mother call:

CHORUS 1: —Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Who's with you there? Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Stop that affair. Why does it take you so long to say goodnight? You know I've told you always, It ain't safe to stand in hallways. Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Give him his hat. Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Just leave him flat. I forgot what Mother taught me. That's the way your father caught me. Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Come right upstairs.

2. Maggie doesn't care a bit What the neighbors think of it. She declares that lovin' is no crime. Even though her sweetheart Dan Always was a union man, Maggie has him working overtime. Now and then they lean against a bell. Then the whole darn house begins to yell:

CHORUS 2: —Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Who's with you there? Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Stop that affair. You'll wake the neighbors the way you carry on. I'm gonna have a copper Chase that young finale hopper. Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Give him his hat. Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Just leave him flat. Give his face a darn good smacking If he tries to be wisecracking. Maggie! —Yes, ma'am! —Come right upstairs.

1. —Bill, I got a good idea. Let us tell the folks right here All about the girl who lives next door. —Very well! Ev'ry night she's with her beau, Spooning in the hall below While her mother's upstairs getting sore. Though you won't believe it, it's a fact: This is just exactly how they act:

2. Since her father made a pile, Now the fam'ly lives in style In a mansion on Fifth Avenue, And Maggie now is Marguerite. In her heart she's just as sweet. Tell me, what's an avenue or two? Now her beau is of a social kind, So her mother's voice is more refined:

1. I've got trouble, oh, what trouble! Something happened to me! Came home one day and I found My sweet one wasn't around. Haven't heard a single word about the cause of it all. That's why I'm full of the blues, Just waiting round for some news.

CHORUS: Maybe she'll write me. Maybe she'll phone me. Maybe she'll radio. Went away Monday, here it is Sunday, just a long week ago. I don't know where she went or what made her go. One thing I know: I'm feelin' mighty worried. Maybe she's lonesome, all by her "ownsome," longin' for who-knows-what. Maybe she's sighin'. Maybe she's cryin'. Then again, maybe not. I don't care what she did or where she went or why she left, As long as she only hurries back home to me.

2. Always lonely, but I'm only Getting what I deserve. I should have known at the start Someday she'd ruin my heart. But I'm praying she is saying just what I'm saying now, For then she'll worry and cry, And change her mind by and by. CHORUS TWICE

YouTube has 2 versions:Billy Jones & Ernest Hare. They stick pretty close to the sheet music, except that they change the pronouns as necessary to transform the song into a dialogue.Ian Whitcomb and Janet Klein They sing an additional chorus which I assume is their own composition.

CHORUS 1: —So I took the fifty thousand dollars. I thought I'd have a good time with the roll. —So you took the fifty thousand dollars, And your good time was a dollar Ingersoll. —I wanted life insurance; the payments were not high. —Because you looked so healthy, they thought you'd never die. —So I took the fifty thousand dollars, And went and bought a cuckoo for the clock.

CHORUS 2: So I took the fifty thousand dollars. I thought I'd take a trip to Montreal. —So you took the fifty thousand dollars, And didn't go to Montreal at all. —One day I met a lady so ...(?) —I posed her just one dollar, a kiss with you she'd share. —So I took the fifty thousand dollars. Oh, gee! Oh, gosh! Oh, golly! I'm in love!

VERSE 2: There are many diff'rent ways ...(?) spending dough, —And I guess that you know Fifty thousand or so. —No doubt uncle left it just for some rainy day. —But you got rash with all that cash and let it drain away.

CHORUS 3: —So I took the fifty thousand dollars. I thought that I'd buy something for my home. —So you took the fifty thousand dollars, And bought a brush to have a brush and comb. —My wife and I went shopping to buy a costly gem. —You jumped into a taxi, drove to the five and ten. —So I took the fifty thousand dollars, Then a hundred million others just like me.

CHORUS 4: So we took the fifty thousand dollars. We thought that we would like to study Greek. So we took the fifty thousand dollars, And learned to sing "Bananas" in a week. —We told the phonograph company they'd have to raise our pay. —They admitted we worked better, and raised it right away. So we took the dollar and a quarter. We're better men than you are, Gunga Din.

* I haven't seen the sheet music, but I think it's a safe bet that this recording sticks closer to it than Jones & Hare did. You can hear it at Robert's Old Schmaltz Archives:

SO I TOOK THE FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS As sung by Robert Denning (M. J. O'Connell) on Edison Record 9262.

VERSE 1: Fifty thousand dollars, gee, it is a whole lot. Though you've got it or not, Still it is a whole lot. I told my rich uncle I would use it someday, So just to be a pal to me, he went and passed away.

CHORUS 1: So I took the fifty thousand dollars. I thought I'd make a big splash with that roll. So I took the fifty thousand dollars And bought myself a brand-new Ingersoll. I wanted life insurance; the payments were not high. Because I looked so healthy, they said I'd never die, So I took the fifty thousand dollars And went and bought myself a piece of cake.

VERSE 2: There are many ways for you to spend all your dough, And I guess that I know Fifty thousand or so. No doubt Uncle left it just for some rainy day, But I got rash with all that cash and let it drain away.

CHORUS 2: So I took the fifty thousand dollars. I thought I'd take a trip to Montreal. So I took the fifty thousand dollars, And didn't go to Montreal at all. I met a poor gold digger; her feet were almost bare. She said she needed shoesies; her toesies didn't care. So I took the fifty thousand dollars And went and bought a cuckoo for the clock.

VERSE 3: There's a politician down in our neighborhood. He's done ev'ryone good, Ev'ryone that he could. Leads the life of Riley, has his own motorcar, But he feels bad because he's had to buy his own cigars.

CHORUS 3: I took the fifty thousand dollars. It was a lot to spend on cigarettes. Yes, I took the fifty thousand dollars, But think of all coupons I could get. He said, "Get me elected; you may spend all your cash, But after I'm elected, I'll make sure you get hash." So I took the fifty thousand dollars And bought the subway just to get a seat.

CHORUS 4: Yes, I took the fifty thousand dollars. I thought that I would like to study Greek. Yes, I took the fifty thousand dollars And learned to sing "Bananas" in a week. I went to buy an auto; you know it's quite the fad. The clerk showed me a pink one; it didn't look so bad, So I took the fifty thousand dollars And bought Detroit just to get a Ford.

1. You believe that I belong to somebody else. Teardrops they fill your eyes. You believe that I deceive; there's somebody else. You're wasting tears and sighs. Dearie, I'll always play fair. I'm telling you on the square:

CHORUS: Honey, don't you worry, 'cause there's nobody else, Nobody else but you. Why should you be Jealous of me? Now I can see Why we disagree. Though we part, I cross my heart, there's nobody else. Honest, I'm faithful and true. I like to play And fool around with others. That's just my way, Like sisters do with brothers. Honey, don't you worry 'cause there's nobody else, Nobody else but you.

2. Nothing makes the heart grow cold like jealousy, dear. Won't you believe in me? We must trust each other whether absent or near. Then we would happy be. If I were telling you lies, You'd find it out in my eyes. CHORUS

And I goofed in my first post: The Hare recordings of "Hallelujah, I'm a Bum" and "The Bum Song" are of separate songs--both, I believe, written or at least heavily adapted by Haywire Mac McClintock. Above, my first link was to "The Bum Song", my "ditto" link to "Hallelujah".

To the Mudelf who blickified my first post: Many thanks, but there's a reason I usually include the link targets as visible text in messages: so people can easily copy the URLs to their own files along with the other text. Otherwise, only the target description is copied, hidden URLs all get dropped, and it's a pain for people to try to locate to the active links again. In future, please retain any visible URLs as visible text.

VERSE: —Talk of happiness, real true happiness; do you know what it means? —Some people say it's wealth, While others say it's health. —But there's happiness, just one happiness, I've been longing to find. —Will you paint a picture, the kind you have in mind?

CHORUS 1: —Think of just a little town When the evening sun goes down. That's my hap-hap-happiness. —Think of just a bungalow Where the morning glories grow. Is that your hap-hap-happiness? —Yes. —Don't hesitate or wait; just open the gate —And walk in with me. Look around and oh what a home-sweet-home you will see. —Think of someone if you can, Saying, "Da-da, here I am." —That's my hap-hap-happiness.

CHORUS 2: When Gene Tunney swings his hand And I hear his old glove land. —Is that your hap-hap-happiness? —And when springtime comes around, For a baseball game I'm bound. —Is that your hap-hap-happiness? —The umpire starts to shout "You're safe" and "You're out," That thrills me, I find, Even though the home team is one or two runs behind. When the bags are full, it's great, —And then Babe Ruth walks to the plate, —That's my hap-hap-happiness.

PATTER: —That's very good, Bill, but you see, you're a bachelor, and don't get the real line on happiness. In other words, you don't know anything at all about home ties. —Well, if that's a home tie your wife gave you for Christmas, I don't want to know anything about 'em. —Well, listen. I'm going to give you my idea of home ties:

CHORUS 4: —We two boys without a care Entertain you folks out there. That's our hap-hap-happiness. Just to know the things we do Make us feel we're pleasing you, That's our hap-hap-happiness. —Each one beneath the sun should know that he's done His share while he's here, —Spreading all around him a little sunshine and cheer. —If we failed, at least we've tried, But if you feel satisfied, That's our hap-hap-happiness.

VERSE 1: We're going to sing a song to you; it's not a song of love. There's not a word that speaks of mush and none 'bout stars above. We've had enough of songs like that; I'm sure you will agree. So here's the thing we're going to sing; it's foolish as can be:

CHORUS 1: A chorus girl hates anyone to ask her out to dine. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon me—ha-ha-ha!—while I laugh. A Scotsman is the first one who will buy a glass of wine. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon me—ha-ha-ha!—while I laugh. The chauffeurs and the traffic cops, they get along so fine, And all the chauffeurs think the coppers really are divine. The coppers throw them kisses when they pass before it's time. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon us while we laugh.

CHORUS 2: The alcohol sold nowadays is for external use. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon me—ha-ha-ha!—while I laugh. The fat girls should eat candy; it's the best way to reduce. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon me—ha-ha-ha!—while I laugh. The first child of a married couple brings them great delight, But when they want to get some sleep, it cries with all its might. Then hubby says, "You stay in bed; I'll walk with him all night." Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon us while we laugh.

PATTER: It's a silly song, Ernie. It is crazy, isn't it?

VERSE 2: In ev'ry song you've ever heard, there's been a second verse. We've tried to write one for this thing, but it got worse and worse. We worked on it all summer, through the winter, spring, and fall, And then we said, "We will not write a second verse at all."

CHORUS 3: Today the girls all love to sit at home each night and sew. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon me—ha-ha-ha!—while I laugh. They never ride in taxis and they hate to see a show. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon me—ha-ha-ha!—while I laugh. A fellow and his wife went out to have a dance or two. He flirted with the flappers, as the fellows often do. The wifie said, "You dance with her; I'll wait till you get through." Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon us while we laugh.

CHORUS 4: You know, Bill, I wanted to tell you about Phil Ohman. Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon me—ha-ha-ha!—while I laugh. Sure! I was gonna tell you about Harry Reser. Ha-ha-ha!—You know they are?—Ha-ha-ha!—Yes.—Ha-ha-ha!—Twins? Ha-ha-ha!—They play piano and banjo?—Ha-ha-ha!—Oh yes! Ha-ha-ha!—Pardon us—Ha-ha-ha!—while we laugh.

VERSE 1. Hey there, taxi, do your stuff. I can't get there fast enough. Take me to that train from way out west. I'm just jumping in my shoes 'Cause there ain't no time to lose. Got a date, one-fifty-eight, with the one that I love best.

CHORUS 1: My cutey's due at two-to-two. She's coming through on a big choo-choo. She's been away for months, But I haven't cheated once. Stayed home nights, didn't dance, Wasn't taking any chance, Didn't flirt, and though it hurt, I just couldn't do my cutey dirt. My days were blue, my nights were black, But I just knew that she'd come back, For I love her and she loves me and say, Don't think there ain't no Santa Claus. I know darn well there is because My cutey's due at two-to-two today.

VERSE 2. No one knows how glad I am Since I got that telegram, Sweeter than a message from above. Seems just like a century Since she's been away from me, But you bet I'm gonna get what I've kept on dreaming of.

CHORUS 2: My cutey's due at two-to-two. She's coming through on a big choo-choo. She's been away for months, But I haven't cheated once. She's very short, five foot two. She's got bowlegs, cross-eyed too, A girl you wouldn't think much of, But oh, by gosh, how she can love. My days were blue; my nights were black, But I just knew that she'd come back, For I love her and she loves me and say, And when I feel her lips on mine, I won't let go 'til half past nine. My cutey's due at two-to-two today.

Tonight I'll disconnect my phone, Because I want to be alone. My cutey's due at two-to-two today.

II. Lyrics as sung by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys):

VERSE 1: —Listen, Ernie, I feel gay. —Why, you're excited, I must say. —I'm gonna meet that train from way out west. —Way out west? —Uh-huh. —Well, what's the big idea, old boy, Of this nervous, sniffin' joy? —I got a date, one fifty-eight, with the one that I love best.

VERSE 2: —No one knows how glad I am. —Well, I saw that telegram. —And it was like a message from above. —Well, I bet you never sleep a wink. Nights you lie awake and think. —But you bet I'll soon forget, when I meet and greet my love.

CHORUS 2: —Your cutey's due at two-to-two. —She's comin' through on a big choo-choo. —You're surely feeling fine. —You know this gal of mine. —She's kind o' short, —About five-foot-two. —She's got bowlegs and cross-eyed too, A girl I wouldn't think much of. —But oh, my gosh, how she can love! —Your days were blue. —My nights were black. —Don't cry; you soon will have her back. —I love her and she loves me, and, say, —Tonight you'll disconnect your phone, —Because I want to be alone. —My cutey's due at two-to-two today.

CHORUS 3: —My days were blue; my nights were black, But I just knew that she'd come back, For I love her and she loves me, and, say, —Don't think there ain't no Santa Claus. —I know darn well there is because —My cutey's due at two-to-two today. My cutey's due at two-to-two today.

1. There's a girl I'm wild about. Ev'ry time I take her out, I hug her; I squeeze her; I tease her so; And we always can be found Where there's no one else around. Do we cuddle? Do we pet? You ain't heard nothin' yet!

Chorus 1: I love her in the morning and I love her at night. I love her; yes, I love her when the stars are shining bright. I love her in the springtime and I love her in the fall, But last night on the back porch I loved her best of all.

2. Ev'ry time that she's alone, When I call her on the phone, I hurry; I scurry; I worry so. I'm afraid that I might see Someone there in place of me. If I lost her, what a blow! I love her. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Chorus 2a: I love her in the morning and I love her at night. The first time that I met her it was true love at first sight. I love her in the springtime and I love her in the fall, But last night in the parlor I loved her best of all.

Chorus 2b: I loved her in a Packard and a Locomobile. I loved her in a Buick while she held onto the wheel. I loved her in a flivver and we ran into a wall, But last night in a taxi I loved her best of all.

Chorus 3: I loved her in a rainstorm and I loved her in snow. I loved her in a blizzard when zero was below. I loved her in the sunshine underneath her parasol, But last night with some moonshine I loved her best of all.

Chorus 4: From Monday until Sunday, oh, I sure am some sheik. I love her; yes, I love her ev'ry day that's in the week. Though seven days of heaven ain't enough, I won't get sore, 'Cause next year when it's leap year, I'll love her one day more.

Chorus 5: I loved her at breakfast and I loved her at tea. I loved her; yes, I loved her when she took her lunch with me. I loved her after supper when I paid her folks a call, But last night in between time, I loved her best of all.

Chorus 6: I loved her in a sailboat and a big birch canoe. I loved her on a tugboat and an ocean liner too. I loved her in a schooner and I loved her in a yawl, But last night in a rowboat I loved her best of all.

Chorus 7: I loved her in the classroom in Latin and Greek. I loved her in Italian; that's a language she can't speak. I loved her on the campus and in the dining hall, But last night at the junior prom I loved her best of all.

Chorus 8: [spoken patter] Oh, I love-a Marianna when she play da grand piana. She's-a push-a; she's-a pump-a wid her feet. Got a kiss like taste-a fine-a, joost-a like Italian wine-a. She's-a nice-a; she's-a fat-a; she's-a sweet. Oh, she call-a me her papa; when she hug-a, she no stop-a. Got-a eyes-a so-a big-a, no-a small, But last night she get-a colic when she eat-a lot of garlic, [Sung:] And I love her best of all.

[EH:] I love her in the morning. [BJ:] Do you love her at night? [EH:] I love her; yes, I love her when the stars are shining bright. [BJ:] Please tell me: do you love her in the springtime and the fall? [EH:] Uh-huh, but last night on the back porch I loved her best of all.

[EH:] Ev'ry time that she's alone— [BJ:] Do you call her on the phone? [EH:] Uh-huh. I hurry. [BJ:] You worry; you worry so. [EH:] I'm afraid that I might see Someone there in place of me. [BJ:] If you lost her, what woe! [EH:] I love her, oh, oh, oh!

[EH:] I love her in the morning. [BJ:] Do you love her at night? [EH:] The first time that I met her, it was true love at first sight. [BJ:] Please tell me: do you love her in the springtime and the fall? [EH:] Uh-huh, but last night in the parlor, I loved her best of all.

[SPOKEN][EH:] Ah, Bill, she's a lovely girl. [BJ:] I should say so, Ernest. Those eyes! [EH:] Uh-huh! [BJ:] Those nose! [EH:] Yes, yes, Bill. [BJ:] Those lips! [EH:] Yes, yes. [BJ:] Those hair! [EH:] Yes, yes, and those teeth, Bill, they are beautiful. [BJ:] Yes, the both of them! On the back porch— [EH:] Nevertheless, Bill—

[SUNG][BOTH:] I love her in the morning and I love her at night. I love her; yes, I love her when the stars are shining bright. I love her in the springtime and I love her in the fall, But last night on the back porch, I loved her best of all.

1. [GIRL:] When a maiden seeks romance, There are times she takes a chance, Even though her boyfriend loves her truly. I've had my experience, Therefore as a consequence, I know boys are bound to get unruly. Walking back from auto rides, I'll say I've had my share, But soon the boys will take us out a-riding through the air—

CHORUS: And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are we girls gonna do? When all these future Lucky Lindys want some squeezin', A girl who has good sense will have to listen to reason, For there's air, air ev'rywhere, And not a drop to walk on; it's true. Oh, what a time the married men will have, I declare! Their wives won't have a chance to have them watched way up there, And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are we girls gonna do?

2. [BOY:] Boys, we've had it mighty tough. Girls have fooled us long enough, And we've let them go on and deceive us. They want food and then besides, They want nice long auto rides, But just try and kiss them and they leave us. After they get all they want, they walk home; they don't care, But, girls, we soon will take you out a-riding through the air—

CHORUS: And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do? Now just suppose he takes you flying o'er some ocean. If he suggests a kiss, you'll have to second the motion, For there's air, air ev'rywhere, And not a drop to walk on; it's true. Why, even boys who never in their whole lives were rude Are bound to be affected by the high altitude, And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do?

A lot of girls will scream: "You stop or out I will go," But if he doesn't stop, she'll stay when she looks below, 'Cause you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do?

YOU CAN'T WALK BACK FROM AN AEROPLANE (SO WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS GONNA DO?) As sung by Billy Jones and Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys) on Columbia 1141-D, recorded Sept. 28, 1927.

1. Bill, we've had it mighty tough. Girls have fooled us long enough, And we've let 'em go on and deceive us. (They sure have fooled us!) They want food and then besides, They want nice long auto rides, But try and kiss 'em and they up and leave us. After they get all they want, they walk home; they don't care, But, girls, we soon will take you out a-riding through the air—

CHORUS 1: And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do? When all those future Lucky Lindys want some squeezin', A girl who has good sense will have to listen to reason, For there's air, air ev'rywhere, And not a drop to walk on; it's true. Gee, what a time the married men will have, I declare! Their wives won't have a chance to have them watched way up there, And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do?

2. Girlies, take this good advice. Think it over once or twice. Keep it in your mind and don't forget it. (It's good advice, girls.) Now, start today and just prepare For your joy-ride through the air. If you don't, you surely will regret it. Now, when you're miles high in the sky, the fellows are the kings, So if you want to be sweet angels, start in growing wings—

CHORUS 2: For you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do? For as you climb up to the sky, you'll have to start in spooning. Oh, me, oh, my! He'll make you sigh for real honeymooning, For there's air, air ev'rywhere, And not a drop to walk on; it's true; And if a girl should fear that anything might go wrong, For safety's sake, you'd better take a preacher along, For you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do?

CHORUS 3: And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do? When he begins to loop-the-loop and starts to do a glider, There's not a single girl who'll have a conscience to guide her, For there's air (air), air (air) ev'rywhere, And not a drop to walk on; it's true. I know some girls will scream: "You stop, or out I will go!" But if he doesn't stop, she'll stay when she looks below, And you can't walk back from an aeroplane, So what are you girls gonna do?

I started by copying the following lyrics, which are said to come from the sheet music, from a scholarly website called Uncle Tom's Cabin and American Culture, where there is collected all sorts of material referencing "Uncle Tom's Cabin." However, except for the spoken prologue, apparently invented by Jones and Hare, I doubt there is any connection between the Eva of the song and Little Eva, the character in the novel.

Then I compared that text to the singing of Jones and Hare, found at the Internet Archive. I transcribed the spoken part, and described other differences in footnotes. I also followed my own preferences regarding spelling, punctuation and formatting.

SPOKEN PATTER: —Step right this way, ladies and gentlemen. We are presenting this afternoon the famous Uncle Tom's Cabin Troupe. Step closer and I'll introduce to you the leading characters in the play. First, let me present Simon Legree, the famous villain. —Throw him a bone! —This, ladies and gentlemen, is Liza. She crosses the ice. —She looks like a cold proposition. —Let me introduce to you now the celebrated Uncle Tom. Who in this intelligent audience does not know Uncle Tom? —Why, he played cornet in the parade this mornin'! —Last but not least, ladies and gentlemen, let me draw your attention to Little Eva. Little Eva! —Yes, she's little, and a little wrinkled, too. —Get ready now, and while you are buying your tickets, the Happiness Boys will sing the latest popular song, "Oh! Eva."

VERSE 1: Eva was a garden rose, 'Way down where the Swanee flows, And a half a dozen beaux Loved this pretty maid. Eva's uncle would get sore, Chase the boys from the door, But when he would sleep and snore, They would serenade.

VERSE 2: Chickens know the chorus now. So does ev'ry village cow. Farmers while they rake and plow Croon it soft and low. Someone heard the kitchen cat Teaching it to a rat. It's been heard in ev'ry flat On the radio.

CHORUS 2: Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! I have loved you all my life, And I'd call on you each night or two, but I can't dodge my wife. Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! She is built just like a sack. Both her teeth are lost, her eyes are crossed, and tears roll down her back. Ding dong! Ding dong! I hear you married twice, So take the air 'cause I don't care for shopworn merchandise.

CHORUS 3: Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! If you want to eat tonight, There's some oats nearby to satisfy your horse's appetite. Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! I'll be thirsty by and by, And at twelve o'clock I'll take the rock from Uncle Tommy's rye. Tee hee! Tee hee! Ain't I the silly chap? When I tell jokes to lady folks, they roll right off my lap.[1]

CHORUS 4: Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! Won't you slip on something, dear? If we must elope, slip on some soap and slide down on your ear.Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! We must steal away in peace. If you have no bags, just pack your rags in Uncle Tom's valise.[2] Bing bang! Bing bang! Those shots were meant to kill. When bullets fly, I run them by just like they're standing still.

CHORUS 5: Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! In a little two-room shack, You supply the grub; I'll steal a tub so you can wash my back. Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! Get a few Virginia hams. When you're leaving there, bring me a pair of Uncle Tom's pajams. Jingle! Jingle! I'm broke most of the time. When Tom's at rest, feel in his vest and throw me down a dime.[1]

CHORUS 6: Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! There's a married gal next door, And the story goes she hung out clothes upon the night before. Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! Now her husband's grievin' hard, 'Cause today he found his wife's nightgown in Uncle Tom's backyard. Bip bop! Bip bop! There was an awful fight! That guy hit him with so much vim that Uncle Tom turned white.[1]

1. Jones and Hare omit choruses 3, 5, and 6.

2. In verse 4, Jones and Hare substitute these lines for lines 3 and 4: Oh, Eva! Oh, Eva! Won't you let me hold you tight? I love those eyes, I love those nose, but I hate those appetite.

VERSE 1: —Tell me: why are you feeling blue today, pal? —Ev'rything I do just seems to go wrong. Wish you do have something to make me gay, pal. —Well, I do; just you keep on singing this song:

CHORUS 1: Smile away; don't be blue. —Well, that's easier to say than do. —Just smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile. —Well, suppose you are blue. Tell me, Ernie, just what you would do. —I'd smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile. (Go ahead and smile.) —I believe you're sincere when you try to make me smile. —If a friend doesn't cheer, then he isn't worth your while. —I've been wrong all the day. —Greater men than you have been that way, So smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile.

SPOKEN: Say, Bill, speaking of smiles, do you remember the other day when we were introduced to the president? Did you notice how he smiled at me? —Yes, Ernest; when I first saw you, I pretty nearly went into hysterics.

VERSE 2: —Smiling is the best thing for blues and trouble. —I've been told that smiles would chase them away. —After rain, the sunshine is always brighter. —Doctors say a smile makes the heart feel lighter.

CHORUS 2: —Smile away. —Smile away. —Yes, and all your cares will fade away. Just smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile. You'll lose blues. —Troubles, too. —Yes, and ev'rything I say is true. Just smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile. —If in doubt, you'll find out that a smile will pull you through. —Well, you're down but not out; smile and be as good as new. No delay! —I'll start today. —Follow my advice and learn to say: "Smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile."

CHORUS 3: Smile away like a duck(?). If your wife is always at the cluck(?), Just smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile. —If she buys clothes from France While you're wearing patches on your trousers,* Smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile. —If she phones all her friends to come up and have a spread, And she hands your cigars out to Billy, Jack, and Fred, And the next day you find you can't even buy a loaf of bread, Just smile a little bit; smile a little bit; smile.

A catalog entry from a library that holds the sheet music gave these lines: First Line of Song: Smiling is the best thing to do when lonesome. First Line of Chorus: Smile away, ev'ry day, and you'll find your cares will fade away. These lines don't occur in the Happiness Boys' recording, but they do fit the meter, so I assume they simply omitted or changed this verse and chorus.

* Trousers: a joking substitute for the expected word "pants" (rhymes with "France") suggesting "pants" would have been considered vulgar.

VERSE 1. Who's that baby that I see All dolled up like a Christmas tree? Who's that, what's that, coming down my way? What's her name? Bet it's Rose, 'Cause she's sweet as the rose that grows. I'd like to go right up to her and say:

CHORUS 1: Where'd you get those eyes? Where'd you get those lips? Where'd you get those dimples, honey? Where'd you get that smile so sunny? Those chin, those nose, those rosy cheeks! I'm gone, been gone, for weeks and weeks. How'd you grow so sweet? How'd you grow so nice? Where'd you get that new blue bonnet With the doo-wack-a-doo-doos on it? Please make me happy and put me wise: Where'd you get those great big eyes?

VERSE 2. I've been watching carefully. You're the one that appeals to me. Maybe someday I'll appeal to you. Seems I've lost my appetite. I just can't sleep a wink at night, So please don't keep me guessing like you do.

CHORUS 2: Where'd you get those eyes? Where'd you get those lips? Where'd you get those what's-this, honey, Makes me feel so, oh, so funny? Don't eat, can't eat, can't sleep at night. Those charms, those arms, that hold me tight! Where'd you learn to hug? Where'd you learn to kiss? Ev'ry time you kiss me, sister, On my lips, I find a blister. You've got me dizzy; I'm hypnotized. Where'd you get those great big eyes?

[Jones and Hare stick pretty close to the lyrics in the sheet music, but they change a few pronouns: "I/me" changes to "we/us." In some cases, lines that were addressed to the woman turn into a dialog between the two singers about the woman; thus "you" changes to "she" or "her" and "I/me" changes to "you."

Lyrics below are taken from the sheet music, which can be seen at York University.

You can hear the Happiness Boys (Jones and Hare) sing this song at the Internet Archive. As usual, they make a few small changes in the lyrics so that it works as a dialog, and they add some patter, which I have not notated.

CHORUS: I would rather, very much rather, be alone in the south Than blue and down in the mouth Where the crowds and lights are all the sights to see; And I would sooner be a communer with the birds and the bees. That's why I state, I can hardly wait for that choo-choo train. I've got a mammy there, a sweetie there, a little Ford runabout; But if I had no one beneath that southern sun, I would stand up and shout That I would rather, very much rather, be alone in the south, For the south is home sweet home to me.

1. I passed a church today when I heard the strains of Lohengrin, And so I wandered in While the wedding bells were ringing, Choir singing. Then when all was still I could hear them when they said: "I do." That happy pair Standing there Just thrilled me through and through.

CHORUS 1: But I don't want to get married; I'm having too much fun. I don't want to be bothered with any certain one. Why let them get serious? I know how it would end. I'd only get a husband, but I'd lose a darn good friend. First he's telling the world you're the light of his young life, But you know well that light's gone out when he says: "Meet the wife." Now married men are nice; that's true, But not the one you're married to. I don't want to get married; I'm having too much fun.

2. Last night I made a call on a married couple that I know. They're wed five years or so, But I've never seen them scrappy. They seem happy With their kiddies playing around, it was a real love-nest. Now surely this Must be bliss. I really was impressed.

CHORUS 2: But I don't want to get married; I'm having too much fun. I don't want to be bothered with any certain one. What's the use of battling with a husband ev'ry night? Say, I can join the army any time I want to fight. I have plenty of boyfriends; I love them all the same. To marry one and leave the rest would be an awful shame. So I'll stay single for their sake And give them all an even break. I don't want to get married; I'm having too much fun.

SPOKEN: Say, Bill: I was thinking of you this morning. — Yes? Well, what turned your thoughts my way, Eddie? — Well, I passed a church today when I heard that good old wedding song. — Another poor sap gone wrong! That sweet refrain means ball and chain. — But I got a thrill, and I think, Bill, that's just the life for you. — I'm not a dunce; I tired it once; I'll tell the world I am through.

CHORUS 1: I don't want to get married; I'm having too much fun. I don't want to be bothered with any single one. — Oh, come on, Bill; be serious; 'twould be better in the end. — No, I'd only get a wife and then I'd lose a darn good friend. — Now you have plenty of girlfriends; don't you like 'em? – Sure, I do. — Then why not marry one? — Well, what would the other forty do? I'll stay single for their sake And give them all an even break. — Oh, you don't want to get married? – No, I'm having too much fun.

SPOKEN: — No kidding, Bill: do you really know why people get married? — Well, most of the time a woman marries a man just to get even, But if I need a loudspeaker, I'll buy one. — You know that nine marriages out of ten are only accidents. — Well, take it from me: I've seen some terrible accidents. — Yes, but say for instance you get sick. Oh, boy! That's when a wife is wonderful. Why, half the time you don't need a doctor. — You're right; no doctor can take the heart out of you like a woman can. — Well, in spite of your kidding, I still think that marriage is a wonderful thing. You know, I can't forget that little scene this morning. Just picture, Bill—

Here comes the bride, The groom by her side. — Look at the poor sap; it looks as though he were trying to hide. — Ah, she looks so happy there at the altar rail! — Of course she's happy; she's landed him; from now on, he's in jail. Gee, whiz, I'm glad I'm free! No wedding bells for —

CHORUS 2: I don't want to get married; I'm having too much fun. — So you hate girls? – No, I like 'em, but I like a lot, not one. What's the use of battling with friend wifey every night? Why, I can join the army any time I want to fight. — You're wrong; some folks get along nicely; why, I know a man and wife Who've only had one argument in all their married life. — Yes, that started when they first met, And gosh! It isn't finished yet. I don't want to get married; I'm having too much fun.

We don't want to get married; we're having too much fun. We just couldn't be bothered with any certain one. What's the use of battling with friend wifey ev'ry night? Say, we can join the army any time we want to fight. We have plenty of girlfriends; we love them all it's true, But if we marry one, what would the other forty do? So we'll stay single for their sake And give them all an even break. We don't want to get married; we're having too much fun.

1. Oh me, oh my, what a life I lead now! Nothing to do but love. That's all I'm thinking of. Ding-dong, sweet song! Glad I took that little vow. Married? Yes! I'll confess It's a "wow" and how!

CHORUS 1: 'Cause Mamma loves Papa; Papa loves Mamma. Ev'rything's dandy, sweet as can be. Nothing to hurry, nothing to worry me. I'm so contented. There's a good reason, mighty good reason: Mamma lies squeezin'; Papa does too. Nothing can break us; nothing can make us blue.We've got a bungalow and, oh, what a time we have! Such wonderful bliss! Spooning, crooning, sweet honeymooning, and the secret is this: People like us, we never do fuss We've always got something better to do, 'Cause Mamma loves Papa; Papa loves Mamma too.

2. Sunday, Monday, ev'ry day we make love. That's all we do; what's more, That's all we're looking for. Happy, happy, that's the word that made us one. Rain or shine, All the time, Gee, but we have fun!

CHORUS 2: 'Cause Mamma loves Papa; Papa loves Mamma. Ev'rything's dandy, sweet as can be. Nothing to hurry, nothing to worry me. I'm so contented. There's a good reason, mighty good reason: Mamma lies squeezin'; Papa does too. Nothing can break us; nothing can make us blue.I'm here to say that ev'ry day is a gay one filled with wonderful bliss. Here's good news: I'm through with the blues. It's true; the secret is this: Mamma says "yes" and Papa says "yes" And people who "yes" are happy, I guess, 'Cause Mamma loves Papa, Papa loves Mamma too.

* * * The Happiness Boys (Jones and Hare) recorded this song, but the sound quality of the recording at YouTube is so poor I would have a tough time transcribing it. It seems they have altered the lyrics quite a bit, compared to the sheet music.

VERSE 1. I heard a crowd at the Cake Eater's Ball Talk of the high cost of loving. One fellow said: "My expenses are small. I never spend money when I'm with my honey."

CHORUS 1: I kiss her once. I kiss her twice. Oh, how I love my darling! I stop and then I start again. That satisfies my darling. We go out dancing and she ruins my feet, But when she whispers: "Dear, supposin' we eat?" I'm right on deck. She pays the check.* Oh, how I love my darling!

CHORUS 2: I kiss her once. I kiss her twice. Oh, how I love my darling! In her coupé 'Most ev'ry day I ride beside my darling. She goes out speeding and I can't make her stop, But ever since the night she knocked down a cop, I'm out on bail. She's still in jail. Oh, how I love my darling!

VERSE 2. Christmas means presents, and some fellows hide When girlies hang up their stockings. I told my sweetie that Santy Claus died. She cried for two hours, wanted to send flowers.

CHORUS 3: I kiss her once. I kiss her twice. Oh, how I love my darling! I light her pa's Big fat cigars, Then blow smoke at my darling. She's very heavy and she heard her friends state That horseback riding would reduce her in weight. She took one ride. The poor horse died. Oh, how I love my darling!

CHORUS 4: I kiss her once. I kiss her twice. Oh, how I love my darling! Her money shows Down in her hose, That's why I love my darling. I needed ten and went to her for a touch. I looked and found she didn't have quite that much. She gave me four, Owes me six more. Oh, how I love my darling!

* * * SOURCES:

Chorus 1 was recorded by Carl Fenton and His Orchestra. Jones and Hare are said to be among the vocalists on this recording, but the arrangement is not in their characteristic style.

1. I never cared for birds or flowers or buzzing of the bees Until today, until today. I never cared for movie stars or lovesick melodies Until today, until today. I met someone who Thrilled me through and through. I'll confess I met my Waterloo.

CHORUS 1: Like a sweet cooin' dove, I'm just bubbling with love, Umh-hum, umh-hum. For my sweet baby girl Sets my brain in a whirl, Umh-hum, umh-hum. Oh, her beautiful eyes And her wonderful smile Have me hypnotized. Oh, she's driving me wild. When I patted her hand, Why, she thought it was grand, Umh-hum, umh-hum. Then I started to sing 'Bout a cute wedding ring, Umh-hum, umh-hum. I told her of my dream about a bungalow. I felt myself a-slippin' when she said: "Let's go." I just fainted away When I heard her say: "Umh-hum, umh-hum."

2. I always loved my home and swore that I would never roam, Until today, until today. And ev'ry night at eight o'clock, my mother tucked me in my cot To stay, until today. Mister Cupid's dart Pierced my lonely heart. Single life and I just had to part.

CHORUS 2: Oh, I'm all out of breath. I'm just tickled to death, Umh-hum, umh-hum. For today is the day That I took her away, Umh-hum, umh-hum. As we walked down the aisle, It was just like a dream. She was chuck full of smiles When I called her my queen. Oh, the parson was grand When he joined hand in hand, Umh-hum, umh-hum. Ev'rything that he said, She just nodded her head: "Umh-hum, umh-hum." We started on our honeymoon just side by side. I pressed her little hand and then I softly sighed: "Are you sleepy, my dear?" Then she cuddled up near: "Umh-hum, umh-hum."

You can hear Jones & Hare's recording at the Internet Archive. They stick pretty close to the lyrics given above, but the part in italics is omitted and replaced with a short instrumental break.

1. I am haunted by a tune Warbled by a ragtime coon. Ev'ry time I hear it, I am simply wild the whole day long. In his satins, he's so neat! Lawdy, how he shakes his feet! Although I love to see him dance, I'd rather hear him sing a song Just like that—

CHORUS: Ida, oh, lovin' Ida, won't you sing it again, sing it again? Ida, please play that haunting refrain, wonderful strain. When you sing those roly-boly eyes, That's when you begin to tantalize. Sweetness, sweetness, oh boy, that's paradise! Eddie, you are beloved as a minstrel man, best in the land. You sing those songs like nobody can, for you understand, I'm tired of hearing songs about the pale moonshine, Songs of dear old Dixieland and mammy mine, So sing me Ida, I've got the Eddie Leonard blues.

2. All the songs we learned to play, Sang them while they had their day, But like winter, spring and fall, they pass along without regret. There's one tune that seems to cling, Enticing folks to dance and sing, A melody that's come to stay and sway, I'll say the one best bet, That's dear old— CHORUS

You can hear Jones & Hare sing this song at the The Internet Archive. They sing only the first verse and chorus, and interpolate a bit of "Ida, sweet as apple cider."

Eddie Leonard was a white vaudevillian performer and songwriter who frequently performed in blackface. Some of his songs were:

I Want to Go Back to the Land of Cotton Ida, Sweet as Apple Cider Lyna Mandy Molasses Candy Roly Boly Eyes Sweetness

VERSE: Sometimes it seems to me The scheme of things is wrong. What's the use of growing up and then Just to wish you were a kid again? And if I had my way, take this tip from me: All our troubles would burst like bubbles. A kid I'd always be.

CHORUS: Back in those happy-go-lucky days, Down by the old swimmin' pool, Happy-go-lucky days When we used to go to school, Remember how you'd wave your hand. The teacher'd say "stand". When she'd ask you to spell "C-A-T spells dog," you'd stand right up and yell: "Hey!" Then you'd have reading, too. You knew ev'ry word And a lot of other words that the teacher never heard. Ev'ry question in school that teacher asked, you always knew, 'Cause the smartest kid in school had the desk in front of you. I'd love to live always In those happy-go-lucky days.

PATTER: At the birthday parties, gee, the games were rough! We played "puss in the corner," and "blind man's bluff." They hit me in the puss, and I'm telling you That I laid in the corner for an hour or two. "Chewing the string" was a game I couldn't miss. Ev'ry boy and girl that played was sure to get a kiss. When it came my turn to play, I didn't get a thing, 'Cause I got excited and swallowed the string. Then they said that ev'ry kid in the place Should see who could make the funniest face. They gave me the prize and I began to bawl, Because I hadn't been playing at all.

[To the tune of the last 4 lines of the chorus:] How they grabbed for the cake! Nobody waited like they should, But the seven pieces I got all tasted mighty good. I'd love to live always In those happy-go-lucky days.

* * * The Internet Archive has recordings by 1. The Duncan Sisters, whose picture appears on the above sheet music. 2. Jones and Hare—who didn't use the name "Happiness Boys" this time.

CHORUS: I'm gonna do it if I like it, and I like it. I'll let him hold me, though you scold me when I'm through. I hate to make Mother and Dad so terribly mad, But there are times when it's good to be bad. I'm gonna hold hands if I like it, and I like it. A little squeezing is so pleasing when you're blue, And since the boy next door first realized I'd let him kiss me, well you'll be surprised. I'm gonna do it if I like it, and I do.

2. Mary's beau worries so, more and more each day. Mary flirts, and it hurts more than he can say. She enjoys vamping boys with her roguish eyes. When her beau says: "Please don't do it," she looks at him and cries: CHORUS

[EH:] "I'm gonna do it if I like it," [Both:] and she likes it. She took the eyebrow(?) But she's a highbrow(?), Now, that's true. She wears her skirt terribly short. [BJ:] Well, you bought her the cloth. [EH:] I know I did, Ernie, but she didn't use every yard that I bought. [Both:] And so she does it cause she likes it; she shouldn't like it. [BJ:] She'll catch a cold. [EH:] It isn't pleasing to hear her sneezing All day through. Katchoo! Katchoo! [Both:] I knew a girl that sneezed too just that way. I told her that, but all she had to say: "I will do it if I like it, and I do."

[BJ:] You know, uh, you're a scream. [EH:] Why? [BJ:] Now, what I mean Is to let a girl command. [EH:] Well, that may be so, But you don't know That love is oh so grand. [BJ:] Ha-ha! Why, you're just a rube. [EH:] Who? I'm no boob. I called her yesterday. [BJ:] Great! Now that's the stuff. [EH:] And I threw some bluff. [BJ:] What did she have to say?

[Both:] "I'm gonna do it if I like it, and I like it." Why, we'll just tell her That we'll compel her To obey. But she just ... a chance. [BJ:] She has you in a trance, And when you're wed, I'll bet that she will be wearing the trousers. [EH:] But she can do it, Ernest, if she likes it. [BJ:] Ah, but you don't like it. [EH:] Who said I don't? [Both:] When we're in love how we forgive all ... we trust; We lap it up. A-ha, a-ha! We are slaves to girls, and here's the proof: If they should ask us to jump off the roof, We're gonna do it if we like it, and we do.

I guess a lot of you who've heard this song Will say it's awful; you may not be wrong, But we just sing it 'cause we like it, and we do, do, do, do, doodle-oodle-oo. Now wouldn't you?

VERSE: When the twilight began to fade, To his maiden an Indian played. From his lute wild notes ascended to the summer sky. Soon the maiden beside him came. Lalawana he called her name. On the evening breeze he blended soft a lullaby.

CHORUS: The sun is glowing beyond the west. The day has gone to rest. Lalawana, close your eyes. Now the evening star Sends its beam afar To the little fire flies. Dusky shadows come a-falling And cover us two. Dreamy slumber land is calling To me and to you. We’ll linger here in a leafy nook Beside the silv’ry brook, Singing drowsily along While the whippoorwill From the distant hill Sends to us its plaintive song. Let slumber bring to you Its happy dream; I’ll watch with loving eye While I hold you and sing to you My Lalawana lullaby.

1. When shadows at twilight are falling And birds to their mates softly coo, The night winds are whisp’ring: “I’m lonesome,” And then I am dreaming of you.

CHORUS: For I’ll never find another Little pal of long ago. You remind me of my mother. She’s the dearest pal I know. I recall ‘twas in September That you said you loved me so. You forget, but I remember, Little pal of long ago.

2. The moonlight and shadows are blending With bright silver starlight above. On each gentle breeze I am sending A token, sweetheart, of my love. CHORUS

I was sleeping one night at the opera And I dreamt that the melodies That made the old masters famous Were written in raggy keys, So now with your kind permission, We will throw upon the screen Of your minds a little song To show you what we mean:

Let’s take a little bit of William Tell, A pretty thing that’s hard to sing And it always gets applause if you really do it well. Just take one bar of that evening song. I love that melody. Oh, how it sings to me! Just listen:

Oh, how I love a big opera band! (Y’ ought to hear it.) One that plays classical music grand. (Don’t be near it.) Gives me a feeling I can’t understand. It goes to my brain; I’m near insane When I hear that sweet refrain.

Come on and hear the pretty little melodies of all the old composers. Come on; let’s go it’s only...(?); besides, we’ll see some showses. So—Oh, I don’t want to go!—Oh, yes!—Oh, no; I said I wouldn’t go! —But I think you’d better go.—No!

[Singing dialog:] There’s a book of questions that’s quite a fad today. —“Ask Me Another,” Ernie. That’s what you’re going to say. —I’d like to ask some questions, Bill; it may be quite a task. —I’ll bet I know the answers, so go ahead and ask.

—Well, who discovered Washington in 1492? —Why, the Pennsylvania Railroad. Ask me another! —Well, in the war of 1812, just what did Pershing do? —Eighteen holes. Now, ask me another! —What famous song begins with “’Neath the spreading chestnut tree”? —Why, that was just “The Nut Song” from “Pimento by the Sea.” —Well, which of us is crazy? Is it you or is it me? —You. Ask me another, but don’t get personal.

[Spoken dialog:] —Well, now, I’ll try not, William. —Yes, please.

[Singing dialog:] —You know, first the crossword puzzle was driving people mad. —“Ask Me Another” will soon be just as bad. —Just get a book of questions; most anyone can play. —Though no one knows the answers, just ask them anyway.

—Well, what is square and round on top and has another shape? —That’s easy. My Ford car. Ask me another! —Well, who invented noodle soup, and how did he escape? —Macaroni. Now, ask me another! —Now, why do single fellows always lead a double life? —Why, after they are married, why, the peas roll off their knife. —Did Sherman say that war was his(?)?—No, no! That was his wife. —Yeah?—Ask me another!—All right; I’ll get you yet.

[Singing together, in harmony:] Who wrote “Madame Butterfly” and did she get his note? Four out of five. Ask us another! What barber wrote that ballad: “Cut Yourself a Piece of Throat”?[*] The Barber of Seville; ask us another! Now, where was Andrew Volstead born and can you tell me why? Why, out in the Sahara where the weather’s always dry. Our answers are all perfect so we lay us down and die. That’s all there is folks; there isn’t any more.

1. “Just been down to New York town,” said Hezekiah Green. “Betcha can’t guess who I ran into on the avenue. You know Sal, the Perkins gal who was the village queen? Boys, I’m here to tell The gal’s done mighty well.”

CHORUS: She’s got this and she’s got that. She knows her onions. A Packard car and ten-room flat. She knows her onions. She’s just a farmer’s daughter brought up in Ioway, But father never taught her the things she knows today. She knows her Spanish onions. She knows her baby talk. She hasn’t any bunions. She don’t get out and walk. (Ah!) She’s got mink and sable fur. She’s the blonde that men prefer, Just a gal who knows her onions.

2. Well, by gum, they called her dumb back in the village school. They said she was thick In geography and arithmetic. You should see her jewelry; you’d know that she’s no fool, Knows a thing or two Her teacher never knew.

CHORUS: She’s got diamonds in her ears. She knows her onions. You ought to see her lavalieres. She knows her onions. This simple country maiden from fields of new-mown hay, You should see her paradin’ along the gay white way. She stays out after ‘leven Right in the city whirl, ‘Cause she believes that heaven Protects the working girl. (Ah!) She knows when and where to go, When to “yes” and when to “no.” She’s a gal who knows her onions.