Wednesday, October 29, 2008

For my extremely few and beautiful regular readers, "If you thought I was dead or was busy shopping for Diwali, you are fairly right. I am broke to the extent I still have not paid my friend Rs. 300/- that I had to for a top up, but I am so bored that I could be dead."

G and I have had phone sex exactly four times in a month since I have come back. He says, "We have grown up." Are we heading for a break up, here?"

I finally saw a porn clip yesterday. It was my second. Saw the first with G. Once, P and I had decided we will watch porn. It has confused us our entire life, why are men so hooked to porn and women hate it. P had seen porn before and had read a lot of soft porn stories. We tried. Googled "Porn". Clicked on the first link. Alot of thumbnail pictures came on the screen. They WERE disgusting. Pictures of clitorises. Funny how most women are grossed out by pictures of female porn stars (do not know about the male ones ;) ) and men on the other hand find it equally or more sexually stimulating. P and I closed the page without even letting the entire page open up. I felt like an arsehole for some days, "WTF! I became an adult long back and I have still not watched porn." That, was the only reason why I wanted to watch porn. Have seen two video in the past one year, since I had tried for the first time. I seem to have no opinions about them anymore. Makes me feel like a 20 year old man, 'normal'.

I just opened my Facebook account. Saw G's ex's picture. She is on my list. She is a fucking attractive woman. G loved her to no extent. They broke up because of her parents. She and G got in touch recently. She was the only friend of G, whom I met on my trip. She seemed extremely sweet too. We got along well. She is on my 'friends list'. But it pricked when G went over to her place for an evening with friends. I tried not to let him know that. But I finally did, after a week. He going to her plac, hanging out with her, staying with her till 3 a.m., going for a long walk at 2 may not have hit me the way her constantly telling him how happy she is to have him back in his life, did. After knowing, where she comes from, it is understandable. She is new in the city and unhappy. Finding an old close friend makes you feel good. I understand. I am okay with it. I have no 'ex' issues. But, it made me uncomfortable somewhere. This was the first issue between G and I, where I let out my thoughts to a friend before telling him. The friend thought I was being insecure. She is gorgeous - I am fat. H probably loved her more. She knows him better than I do. They are in the same city. I am not. Yet, there were no insecurities. I would like to believe I am way above all of this. G agrees, "We are way above all of this... The fact that the two of us can discuss something as sensitive as this so casually proves that." A strange assurance was felt. Not like I needed it, or so I assumed. G - "Are we good?" ME - "We are brilliant." And shall remain despite him getting a hard on 5-6 times a day.

"I am very sweet.""No. You are fat."We argue over that for over 10 minutes."You will never reach 55.""Good. Atleast that would lead to a break up. Let us divorce now, only.""No. You become 55 and then I will divorce you."We argue for another 10 minutes."You are forgetting. The contract says, 'we have to have break up sex'.""No. Because that break up would lead to make up sex then break up then make up. It will become a cycle and we would turn into the typical couples, then.""What color panties are you wearing?""Pink.""I got a hard on. (laughs) From where, I don't know.""What is wrong with you? How the hell do you manage that?""I get a hard on 5-6 times a day."Jaws dropped. Silence."What?? Don't be scared. I do not help myself every time. If I did, I'd be dead.""What are you talking, G? 5-6 times!?" The mouth is still open wide in shock."All guys get it around 2-3 times everyday. I am among the more sexually active brigade. We are called sex addicts. But I do not think I am an addict.""Do we have loyalty issues here?""No. If I was an addict I would have had a girl for sex here, not a long distance relationship with you. Sex addicts are averse to relationships.""Okay...""Look. You do not have to be so shocked. If a man is free, on a holiday or has nothing on his mind, he gets a hard on.""WTF!"We ROFL."I am brilliant. What a pervert thought 'When a man has nothing to do, he gets a hard on.'"We can not stop laughing now."Don't worry, I will not act up on you every time I get a hard on.""Then who?""No one.""Good. Good.""But I will try, if there is no reciprocation, then I can not force you.""Yes. Because if you do, you will be slapped and jailed.""Fine. I will not let you touch me, only.""OH MY GOD! Look at what this guy is saying...""Yeah right. Men are born to take 'I will not let you touch me' from women but men can not give that to women."Laughs.Come to think of it. Isn't it so true? LOL! Poor male species."Want to have sex, without cuddling?""It is such a give and take for you men, isn't it? You get sex so you give cuddling.""Obviously.""Swine.""Coming?""There is no reciprocation.""Okay then, Bye.""Okay. Bye.""What ya...? Why are you getting angry now?""Like I have nothing better to do in life, than to be angry with you.""You are eating up all my Prison Break time. You are eating up my work time. Bloody Bitch!""You only gave me that 'chick' type Bye earlier which re started the whole conversation.""Once a Bitch, always a Bitch!""Yes and G is a living example.""What are you going to do, now?""I am answering that for the fourth time, now. Nothing!""Do something no. Why do you not want to do anything?""Alright G, Bye!""What ya?""Good Lord! You are boring me to no extent now. Bye ya!""Okay. Bye bye!"

We hang up. G has fulfilled his duty of making me laugh everyday, for today.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

"Good Morning.""Good Morning.""Getting ready for work..""Yes. So I will have to call you later.""Okay.""I love you. Bye.""I love you too. Bye."Big grin, which is still on.

Woke up with this urge to hear 'I'll b there for you', FRIENDS' title song by Rembrandts. Just downloaded and updating the blog which I was dying to do since last night.

Today it feels I will FINALLY be good and normal now! Last night, again I got 'that' way.

"G! My family is leaving for dinner, but I do not feel like going, so I am going to be home alone now.""I know whats on your mind. But I just shook in the evening."Wow! Don't you want to kill him right now! YES! We tried having phone sex twice the day before but we had just started with "What color panties are you wearing?" when my door would get knocked and Haha... "I'll call you back" Arggh!"Okay. That's alright."I still want to kill him."It had been 3-4 days.""Yeah. I understand."Bitch!

We talk, after a long time. "I just realized we are talking talking after a long time. We did not do that since you left.""Yes. Happy Realization!""What? Why are you being that way?""What way?"He gives up."Bloody I have spent days crying on the phone saying the same and now he realizes.""When did you cry?"Wow! Anyone reading this, Can you please kill this fella!Now, I give up.We talk.

"Fatso!""Yeah, so? You will anyway divorce me if I do not reach 57 in the next six months.""Yes. That I will.""After that I'll become 57."Confused."Look. You will leave me. I will cry for some days. Go into depression. Eat ALOT during depression. After that I will start losing all my weight."After some time I hear him singing 'Please forgive me' by Bryan Adams. G said he will sing this song for me whenever he hurts me. He loves this song and has not only dedicated it to me once. (He has not given himself that chance I guess.)He is singing. His friends think he sounds like Bryan Adams. I could not notice I was busy crying."So, how did you like it?""Why did you sing this song for me?" (sniffing)"Because I thought you would like it."And I thought he thought he has hurt me with the whole weight talk. Even though he did not, yet."Okay.""Did you like my Bryan Adams voice?""Hmm.""Are you crying?""No." (sniffing) "Was I that bad?""No." (smiling)"Are you tired?""No." (frustrated)"Okay."I am STILL sniffing! Either he is ignoring or he is really dumb.We talk.

"You will never leave me no?""Never.""Even if I do not turn 57.""No...""You...""But I would like you as 55. I can not help but be honest.""That is good. I am glad."We talk.

Perfect timing for his friend to call and ruin the conversation. I am drop dead tired too after my gym so I drop on my bed. Call him. His phone is engaged. WTF! That phone is used only to talk to me. His friend called on the other phone. Why the fuck is this one busy? I call on his other phone."What?""I am busy on the other phone. Will call you back.""Okay."I am lying on my bed, thinking, re thinking about how we hugged at the station when he came to pick me up. About how he was going to drop me at a friend's and as soon as this one guy got off the lift, he turned, I pulled him over and we kissed so passionately, feeling his hard on through his pants between my legs, squeezing my breasts. That was 'the hottest moment' of the trip. And then how we reached this unknown tiny town that can be covered on foot in half an hour. There was no power, there. A beautiful dhaaba with a lantern. Perfect lighting. Perfect drizzle. Sea surrounded. We had reached that town on a ferry. Saw the sun set on that ferry with him. Had tea at that dhaaba. We spoke of our careers. Life. Everything but US. It was the perfect date. Walking in the rain in that town. Turned on. I had my hand in his jeans' back pocket, secretly squeezing his butt in the darkness of the night, stealing kisses, grabbing the breast. Desperate to find a corner to make out, but a small town and too many people to take the risk. After an hour we start walking back towards the ferry. We stop at the bridge. Lean on the railing. (I had always seen this in the movies. It looked exactly the same. Could not let the moment go away. And I had always wanted to do this.) We kissed. We held each other tight. Wet bodies. The breeze was chilling. There was the sea all around. Some ferries parked at the shore. The moon light. G and me. We kissed more passionately, like some two characters kissing in the end of a Mills and Boon story. I could feel him hard. My leg on the railing. Arms around his back. His around my hip. Lips entwined. Just could not stop kissing. Feeling each other. Subtly dry humping in the middle of the lonely bridge. "Are you wet?""No. I am in love.""Oh!"ROFL.This was the highlight of the trip. Funny. Sexy. Beautiful. We laugh like crazy whenever we think of the "Are you wet?" conversation. And then we left on a crowded ferry, doing what I had always dreamed of.

On our way to that small town on the ferry, "You know G. Every girl has a dream place where she wants to kiss her guy." We look into each others' eyes."Mine was a ferry. In the middle of the sea.""There are too many people right now.""I know. I understand."

Now, on our way back. It was dark. We kissed and kissed. Held his hard cock, without anyone knowing what was happening in our little corner on that overtly crowded ferry.

G calls back. I am tired. Cranky. We are talking."One day I will behave the way you are behaving over the phone.""Now, what did I do?""Look at you. You are not talking only. Silent.""I am sorry.""No. Don't be sorry. You are just tired and drained, yet you just want to hold the phone.""No. It is not that. We will talk later.""R!""What?""You have been like this for so long.""You know, I was crying when you were singing 'Please Forgive me' for me.""Yes. But why?""Because I am falling too much in love with you. I love you more than my life, myself...""Ever since you have gone back, you have become so sentimental and emotional. I understand I am your first love and all that."Alright. Here the guy is wrong. He knew about my ex and I loved him too. I probably may not have loved so much, though."I probably love you more that my career."This was a BIG statement. I did not love my ex more than my career. I don't love or give importance to anyone more than my career."No R! I don't want that. I do not want you loving me more than your career. One of the reasons why I got attracted to you because you were not one of those typical girls."Wow! Now, I know why I love him more than my career. Because he allows me to love my career, the most."Thank you.""For what?""For being this way.""Okay. Now go to sleep.""No. I want to stay on the phone.""What ya?"I start crying."This reaching the next level in the relationship is not doing me good.""It is just the hormones.""Bastard. It does not last that long.""Okay.""I have just fallen in love with you too much. Have become emotional about you.""We will go back to our previous level. Okay?""No. You will always be there with me no?""Always.""G! You seem very unreal to me.""Unreal? I?""Yes. Why would you want to be with a woman like me.""Why do you think of yourself as a 'woman like me'? You should instead think 'woman like me' (with pride).""Yeah. I do. But..."We got emotional talking about how unconditionally we love each other."Do you know how amazing that feeling is to know someone loves you unconditionally.""Now. I do.""I love you unconditionally, G.""I love you unconditionally, R. I really want to take you right now. But my mom will be back any moment.""Me too. But my family is back from the dinner too."

We continue on the phone with silence and I love yous."Go to sleep R.""Okay. But remain on the phone till I go to sleep.""What ya? What is this?""No. Just remain on the phone until I sleep.""How will I know you have gone off to sleep?""Ask me. If there is no reply that means I am asleep.""Okay."He kept asking me that after every 40 seconds. How the hell am I suppose to sleep if he keeps disturbing me every 40 seconds."Are you holding me?""Yes."........................................................................"R?""G! Please ask me after ten minutes.""Okay. Can I watch the T.V.?""Yes. But please keep the volume low. I do not want to be disturbed no.""Okay. Good night.""Good Night. I love you.""Me too."I can hear the television in the background. Imagination is the best gift God has given us. I could imagine him right there. Watching the television. Me sleeping beside him. Holding his hand. After 10 minutes."R?"Almost asleep."R?""Hmm""Sleeping?""Hmm""Okay. Now I am keeping the phone down. You sleep.""Hmm.""Good night.""Good night. I love you.""Me too.""No. Say 'I love you'.""I love you too.""No. A proper one.""I loooveee you!"I smile. I feel good. I go to sleep with someone telling me how unconditionally he loves me and will continue to do so for life. Woke up with the same feeling. G is a blessing. What I did for him was a risk. A fucking big risk. But it all went off smoothly. Thank God. All worth it and more. I love you, G!

So true, "If it is not madness, it is not love."

I AM IN LOVE

Now, I can not stop smiling. I feel normal. I feel happy. Thank you G for bearing with me and pulling me out of it every time with patience.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I hate weekdays. Hating and loving this one equally. Weekdays mean no talking to G at length and this one is also good because my sister is over for a week, which equals to full day of outing and sisterly bonding. This week seems to be bad because my mother is losing it as well. She is just going crazy over EVERYTHING - Weight, Curd, my new shopping, me treating my cousins, how i handle my money, how i behave with her, G!, my dirty feet, my nail biting habit, my face full of pimples, probably she is going crazy about the fact that the pigs outside our house are nowhere to be seen too. Huh. Sigh! Whats up with her? She is not even getting 'old'. She has lived only 46 years of her life but lived as a married woman for THIRTY out of those forty six, of which more than 50% were spent away from her husband.

Like the typically nice daughter in law she left a comfortable living and her husband, with her two daughters only to face a tougher life with the typical mother-in-law. I met my father only for 30 days every fucking year during my growing years. It pains me still to have missed the pleasures of being pampered by a father, getting scared of him at times, facing his strictness, etcetra. Such sadness prevails only at times of serious emotional retrospect. I would not have been what I am today, if I would have been brought up by my father too. Maybe a spectacled software engineer aiming for Harvard with scholarship, is what I would have been. Sigh. I am so happy to be me - Independent, Strong, Individualistic, Sexy, Confident, Intimidating, Honest. It is good to be real. Thanks Mom! Kisses.

Though, today, she regrets having nurtured me into someone who is too exposed. My career plans scare her. "Look R! Do not fly too high...""What do you mean by that? It is my career. I will take it where I want to.""Look. You must remember you are a girl and you have responsibilities."This reminds me of the day when I overheard my father, not too long ago, talking to his sister say, "She is not performing very well in her studies... I am not expecting too much from her, career wise. She is a girl. But I want her to have a decent post graduation degree. She has to marry, ultimately."These words still trouble me. I guess it comes free with the non understanding relationship my father and I share, and comes naturally to this generation of parents who are struggling with their conservative upbringing and our broadly growing thought processes. I feel sad for these parents. They are torn from between, with what they were taught on one side and what we say on the other.

Luscious is happy because she has not let anything affect her. Ignorant and Indifferent. Luscious can not more proud and happy about anything, than to be herself. Luscious apologizes for not being regular because she is low. She is sad. She is missing G terribly after her trip. G and Luscious have completed four months today. No! Luscious and G do not celebrate every month but definitely count when will they reach their first anniversary. Sounds silly but everything is fun and logical when in love.

It is surprising but G and I have not had phone sex since I came back. We will. Soon. We have not been able to relax and talk for a while. He is busy and so am I, in poles apart different ways.

At 09:30 a.m.

"Good Morning. Reached Office?""Yes. You sound awake!""Hahaha...Please give me two tickets. Center corridor, please.Yeah.""What movie are you going for?""Look at the irony. You go to work early in the morning everyday and I go for movies.""Yes. I am noticing.""Congratulations!""For what?""G! We complete...""Oh! yes... Hahaha... Congratulations.... Enjoy yourself. I have some work.""Thank you. Have a good day. Take care.""Bye.""Bye."

I love you G. You pull me out of everything. You make me feel so amazing all the time. I am dying to hug you. Kiss you. You are the best man on this planet. The man in my life! Maybe, before my father too. (I love my father, but that is natural love. The one that a daughter has for her father and vice versa. We share no understanding or growing love that comes with spending time and living together. Now, I guess, it is a little too tough.) Luscious loves everyone dearly and genuinely, anyway.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I speak to G after a full day and a beautiful 'good morning' with him singing Wicked Games, Wonderwall, Romeo Juliet and more for me.

We talk. After 10 minutes he says, "I'll call you after dinner."It is 20:00 hours then. After dinner means 23:00 hours.I show attitude.Cry without letting him know.Get pissed.Hang up on him.Calls back.Show attitude.We hang up.I cry.G calls after his Maggie again in 15 minutes.I give more attitude.We fight.I cry.I give some more attitude.I cry.I now say what has upset me "I want to talk to you after a full day on a saturday and you still do not want to talk but watch your movie."I cry.We talk.I cry.I complain about crazy weird things.I cry.I talk shit about weight and his ex.I cry.He is hurt.I cry.I have hurt him.So, I cry more.I blabbered some more.I cry.Now, I do not remember.But, I cry.I have now reached to a psychotic level where I start viewing myself as some crazy lonely female who needs a shrink.I cry.I have bored him and put him to sleep.I cry.I taunt him for his inattentiveness now.I cry.I understand.We wish each other 'good night'.I make noodles for my cousin.I cry.I call G.I cry."I just called to say 'I love you'"I cry.I switch to gmail.Send him another weird mail.I cry.Come on blogspot.I cry.Finishing the post, and still crying.

I guess the hormonal changes after sex are acting up. Pimples, bloated stomach, eating unnecessarily alot and crying so much without any reason is proof enough.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

It has been a beautiful day and I am feeling richer too. Wuhoo! BUT my vagina is burning. I used a hair removing cream in the morning. Guests sitting outside my room. No antiseptic cream or oil in my room. Walking with legs apart. Just peed too, so you (the girls!) can imagine my plight. And then I got a bright idea! I saw powder. Used that only to feel worst. IT WAS FUCKING DERMI COOL!! Fuck! It was frosting inside. Had no option. Ignore the pain, it works. And it did until I peed again. I created a ruckus in the house for an antiseptic. I have it, now. Sigh. I am looking prettier now, I guess. The uneasiness is gone from the face. I am wearing a really pretty brown peshwas (those long umbrella cut or frilly kurtas, whatever you understand it as) and churidaar. My hair look great. I have no bodily hair. I am excited. I feel great. I am looking DAMN nice. Everyone has told me that too. (Blush? No! *winks*)

Not much time. Leaving in an hour.

I did get my nervous, scared pangs - to the extent that I thought I will die and left a secret note in my drawer for my mom saying 'Mom - I love you. You Rock! Signature. Then my sister's name, bro-in-law's, papa's, mum and mine, encircling it, I wrote 'happy family'. I had shed a tear or two too. Weird. THANK GOD! I am feeling so much better now. Met this old school friend. Came to see me. K, him (H), myself and AR are still the awesome foursome. We had more people in our group in school but we four have remained and stuck to each other despite irregular contact.

H was happy and looked more excited about my trip. I made him speak to G too. I love it when G talks to my friends. He is really sweet to them, always! And I love him for the fact that he knows how important my friends are for me, and how important is it for me, for him to like my friends and vice versa.

So, anyway. I am off. Will be back after a week, till then this blog is going to be inactive. For those of you who have not read my previous posts, COMMENT. I love people TALKING BACK to me. And Thanks alot to those who read me regularly and comment. I have received quiet an unexpected response.

Love you all ALOT! Spread love! And kiss alot - that is what lips are for.

Kisses.Hugs.Misses.

Love 'n' Peace.

P.S. - I will really miss mom. I hope she remains well and takes care of her health. Plus, not be too worried about me either. I love you MA!