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Friday, 17 December 2010

Manchester United FC

I remember when my Dad took me to my first football game when I was 7. Swindon VS Plymouth Argyle. We got seats in the Town End, right behind the goal. We saw Shaun Taylor’s goal in the first half and then got to see Fraser Digby be fucking incredible in the second half. It was AMAZING. After that I was hooked on football and my Dad explained the rules to me ‘you support your local team, or your dad’s/mum's team’ My dad’s team was West Ham… fuck that.

So basically, those are the rules. You can’t jut decide who you want to support, Football doesn’t work like that, life just isn’t that fair. So with that being the case, there must be fucking shit load of people whose parents support Manchester United, right? No? Thought not.

The old saying is true; I have never met a United fan from Manchester. The amount of times I went to the pub in Leeds to watch a united game only to be surrounded by masses of pricks in red shirts, talking in every accent imaginable except Mancunian, was fucking ridiculous.

On the last day of tour this year we ended up in Brighton and it also happened to be the day of the Carling Cup Final. Our mate Fin is a huge Villa fan (he’s from Birmingham, that’s how it works) so we went to a pub to watch the game. Soon as we walked in, United shirts everywhere. FUCK OFF. So we started chanting for Villa, just trying to have fun. Some cockney prick turns to his mate near us and says ‘where the fuck have all the fucking brummies come from?’

Well, there’s only one mate and he’s from Birmingham. Where are all you United fans from? South London? Thought so, prick. Ever been to Old Trafford? No.

And while I’m on the subject, fuck Old Trafford. If a ground full of fans is the ‘12th man’, Old Trafford is the 12th, 13th and 14th (Ironic, considering United fans are the shittest supporters in the football league). It is almost impossible for teams to go to Old Trafford and expect a fair contest. Referees are so intimidated by 60,000+ people screaming at them that they always unfairly support the home team. Penalties are never given, fouls go unpunished and even goals are ignored (Spurs last season?). It’s ridiculous. Also, giving yourself a nickname is possibly the lamest thing anyone can do and ‘The Theatre of Dreams’ is no exception. Get fucked.

The arrogance of calling your own ground that absolutely defies belief. But then as arrogance goes, United fans are up there with the best/worst. The amount of times people have said to me ‘you only hate us because we’re the best’. No, fuck off, I hate you because I’m having this debate with someone who was born and raised in Yorkshire. YOUR OPINION ON FOOTBALL IS NULL AND VOID.

The way United fans hero worship players like Ronaldo or Cantona is hilarious, these are two of the most overrated, arrogant and petulant players in history. Diving all over the place, rolling around like they’ve been shot, screaming in referees faces, kicking out at players who tackle them… just awful, awful cunts. I remember when Swindon played United in the early 90s at the County Ground, we out played them, out battled them and generally deserved the point we got. But the whole thing was overshadowed by Eric Cantona stamping on Jon Moncur. What a fucking shit prick.

What do you call a plane carrying United players crashing on the way back from Munich? A problem. What do you call a bunch of planes crashing into Old Trafford on match day? Problem solved.