We are not all the same

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Ah, casual sex. Everyone has an opinion on it, and everyone thinks their opinion is the one which should apply to everyone. It’s been a topic of much scrutiny this week as a former reality show took to BBC Radio 5 Live to co-host a show, where she revealed her ‘rules’ for casual sex.

“Rule number one is no sex on the first date”, she said on a video now circulating wildly. “If you don’t know the person, don’t have sex with the person, it’s all about self-respect”.

She pushed on, saying that people who’ve drunk should ask themselves: “Are you going to regret it in the morning?” before engaging in sexual activity. Her third rule, she believes that sex shouldn’t be used as a way to impress other people, suggesting that “I think females and males would be a lot more impressed these days if you don’t put out on the first date.”

The video also shows her suggesting that women are more emotionally attached after sleeping with somebody than men, which is why everyone should avoid casual sex.

Needless to say, it’s not gone down particularly well on the internet, and for good reason – her beliefs are, simply, wrong. Here’s why.

They’re rooted in puritanical beliefs

For those of us who engage in casual dating and sex, we’ve heard our entire lives about how what we do is somehow ‘wrong’. For those of us who are polygamous or polyamorous, we live our entire lives being told that monogamy is not only right, it’s the only way to be.

The fact of the matter is this: humans are uniquely designed to enjoy sex and are biologically built to have multiple partners. It’s a huge reason why we’re so successful as a species and why when we have casual sex, we feel so amazing.

They imagine everyone to be the same

The lady in question may have been speaking for herself, but her rules, broadcast across the BBC and shared throughout the internet seem designed to speak to everyone.

Her comments on “self-respect” being a part of why everyone should avoid casual sex are, at best, misguided. Sexuality is something that she has personally tied to her self-respect, but for the rest of us, it’s a way to share pleasure with people we feel a connection with. The same goes for her comments regarding sex after a drink, as though she may personally feel regretful for her actions, many of us simply enjoy sex with strangers – what’s wrong with that?

They ignore the reality of casual sex

As many people have pointed out online, the reality of casual sex and casual dating is that it’s actually a brilliant way to meet new people. Sexual compatibility isn’t the only thing that’s important in a relationship, but it is vital, and there’s nothing wrong with foregrounding that element.

Countless beautiful, long-term relationships have formed out of casual sex, and those suggesting that we simply shouldn’t have it are ignoring the roots of countless loving, open relationships.