Sorry (to all of those who give a portion of a poop) for neglecting the whims of my dear prick, Christop.

Saturday, the 13th, we found the perfect home for Hedy … oh, wait, I mean DAISY. That’s right. The new fam named her DAISY. Supposedly the father fought to keep my homage to the beautiful & mysterious Hedy Lamarr, but he was completely over-ruled by his 3 daughters.

Daisy. Well, I guess Daisy Duck did have a bit of mysteriousness about her, too, and I am comforted knowing that Daisy the friendly pitbull will get some much needed press in front of suburban soccer fams.

Hedy “Daisy” Lamarr

She pumped life into my black, dead heart for a while and withdrawal from her has been debilitating.

Hopefully this time around will be a little easier on this soulless wreck of a human being, but I am highly skeptical.

However, I would like you to seriously consider replacing the word “god” with “pie” from now on. A considerable amount of thought has been put into this. Pie is the perfect replacement. I can’t bring myself to bore you with the reasons.

Ok, damn it … well, PIE is an acronym for Proto-Indo European. That’s one reason.

It’s 3 letters, just like god.

We all know the phrase “pie in the sky” and what that means.

There are plenty more reasons. Let’s just get this started, and we will all decide why later.

I am not certain as to which realm I am in now. There was no white light, no black light, no apparent transition whatsoever. I was in bed. Ill. Clutching my cross like it was some damn key or something. And, then Hitler showed up with a whitefish salad. He put it on a coffee table across the room. He politely invited me to disrobe and come and sit in a “big comfy, red chair that I had made special for you, my darling.” Ordinarily I would have reservations about indulging such a request, and after I sat down I observed this delayed feeling of hesitation.

“Too late, now,” I thought. “Let’s see where this goes.”

I’ve never wanted to meet Hitler, but I’ve always been curious about his eating habits. He took a seat in the corner of the sun room across the way and just keeps staring out of the window. Should I ask him to come and join me? Would he like to share some of this delicious looking whitefish salad? Or, should I join him? It’s all dark & dreary over here and obviously bright & pleasant where he is sitting. Perhaps leave the salad? Is this a test? Maybe, I am supposed to bring the salad to him. What if I’m supposed to eat the whitefish FIRST and THEN bring the salad over. Oh, dreary, deary me. No Heaven for Betsy. Is this hell?

DISCLAIMER: I abhor the self-help industry, I offer no testimonials and I’m insane.

Most human beings are stricken with existential angst & despair.

I suspect this is the result of unfairness.

The world is unfair. Whether we have too much or too little, our human brains demand equality on earth whether we are conscious of this demand or not.

The world we live in was made by humans. And, it was not made by or for all humans. It was made by and for privileged humans — the rest of which are expected to find some way to get paid and afford a watch.

The world, that is, more specifically, existence and society, is an antiquated, broken master clock. The gears move. The hands move. It makes noises in a somewhat predictable manner. But, it’s a man made clock which is not keeping accurate time. Most people attempt to get synchronized with it and accept that it is a mere fact of life that one MUST adjust their personal devices frequently in order to match its capricious tendencies.

I believe that we will one day replace the master clock (with ??? not going there in this post), but in the meantime we must decide if we can stand the time. If we decide to stand the time, we have too strong a desire to see humanity succeed and refuse to match our watches to that capricious clicking prick — then, we need SOMETHING to bring us peace of mind. This, I suspect, is where many turn to god.

Looking for some cognitive harmony so you can fight for a better world without losing your mind? Get a dog. We are SO fortunate on earth to have another species which are our PERFECT companions.

You cannot, however, expect a dog to be your perfect companion on its own. If you are driven by pity, as you may so desperately want some other creature to have for you — a dog will only encourage chaos and leave you less in control than you were.

A dog needs for you to be its master in order to be happy if it is not being trained for a specific job. It needs for you to be in control. If you are not then it will attempt to lead you. Knowing how STRESSFUL it is for a human being to lead another human being, I’m sure you can imagine how stressful this would be for a dog without a job🙂

So, don’t get a dog and expect it to fill your existential void UNLESS you are prepared to learn dog psychology (incredibly easy to grasp) and train that creature to worship you and listen to your every command. Hmm … kind of sounds like what “god” expects of us??

DOGS! DOGS! DOGS!

DOGS! DOGS! DOGS!

NO MORE SGOD! NO MORE SGOD! NO MORE SGOD!

DISCLAIMER #2: You will probably not get the true benefit of a loving dog if you believe in a god. The absence of belief in god improves the connection.

Lucifer: You didn’t fall for it. Fall for my tricks. You didn’t believe in god, and you were still a good human being. Good work.

Chris: What tricks?

Lucifer: The Bible. “Jesus”. You saw through it. Good work.

Chris: So, I’m going to heaven, because I DIDN’T believe in the bible and Jesus?

Lucifer: How could you!?? I mean, honestly, I thought I would have given out all these tickets A LONG TIME AGO. But, god was right — people don’t like to read. He said, “If you tell them that ONE BOOK has everything in it they need, the ‘leaders’ are gonna shove it down their throats and all the commoners will ask for in return is a glass of water.” He was right. He told me, “Lucifer, it DOESN’T matter WHAT you put in it — do your worst. It will take human beings thousands of years to figure out that the whole thing is your cryptic crock of shit.”

Chris: Wow, so you inspired the bible?

Lucifer: Well, you knew god didn’t.

Chris: And, you were Jesus?

Lucifer: THINK about it.

Chris: Well, cursing the fig tree makes a bit more sense, now.

Lucifer: It was pissing me off.

Chris: And, I can see how god would want you to be tortured to death.

Lucifer: Yeah, well, god was pissed at me for doing such a good job on earth, and in hell … I don’t feel pain. Good to be the king of damnation. I inflict pain; I don’t feel it. How could I have time to torment billions of souls, when I’m crying over some magma sizzling my skin, ya know?

Chris: So, god sent you to earth to feel pain.

Lucifer: YEP. But he forgot how clever I am🙂

Chris: You convinced everyone you were his son.

Lucifer:😉

Chris: Wow. That’s … that is pretty impressive. (looking at the ticket) So, this thing is good, eh?

Lucifer: Yep. First Class.

Chris: How do I … board??

Lucifer: Just die. But, don’t kill yourself. Enjoy life on earth as long as you can. Believe me, Heaven SUCKS. It’s BETTER than Hell for you. Obviously. But, there’s no personalities. Everyone is equal. There’s no rich, no poor, no greed, no ignorance … I mean … buncha socialists & atheists up there, ya know? Everything is “objective” … bleh, “objective, objective” … I mean, god loves ’em. I’m being nasty. They still have fun, they just … so skeptical.

Chris: I can see how that would aggravate you. Objective, so you’re telling me Ayn Rand got a ticket?

Lucifer: Nooooooooooo. But, she fooled almost as many “christians” as I have, so I made her my servant. Every day I let her shower in fire without her senses for 10 minutes.

Well, I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of, and in fact, I suggest that you ask it more often.

“Listen, you prick. I have no problem cutting your head off. Well, maybe, I would die before I got the whole thing off with THIS knife. But, I would happily stab you right in the chest, you little lazy bitch. Are you afraid to die, HUH? Yeah, WELL make the best of this day, because IF YOU DON’T … you’re going to have to answer for it again tomorrow. Oh, what? Life is pointless? Did you say that AGAIN? If you don’t CREATE A POINT … then, I am going to KILL YOU.”

Everyone is different. But, it helps me to look at this banner:

If you do not have balls & would like me to write an inspirational banner specific to your own genitalia, then I am at your service for 50 american dollars per word. HERE TO HELP!!!!

As more and more people wise up (thank you, internet), interactions like this …

Average Human Being 1: I can’t believe I lost my job.

Average Human Being 2: It’s all part of god’s plan. I will keep you in my prayers.

Average Human Being 1: Thank you. I really appreciate that.

MAY start to sound like this …

Average Human Being 1: I can’t believe I lost my job.

Average Human Being 2: I will ask Santa Claus to give you a job for Christmas.

Average Human Being 1: Gee, thanks.

Will “god” fade into the distance once “he” loses 50% of his fans???

What? You think I’m being an irrational bitch? A girl can cheer for her favorite team, can’t she? Society says that I don’t have to be rational about it. In fact, I’m encouraged to scream & yell without consideration for others as long as I don’t spill my beer on them.

“If god didn’t intend for us to jump to conclusions, then why did he invent the leap of faith???” – Me, Today, Circa 9:20am EST

WOAH! This guy is jumping OVER conclusion! Nice!!

Did You Know HITLER was a vegetarian???

Just stumbled upon THIS ARTICLE. And, NEEDLESS TO SAY, I am now frightened for myself AND for … mankind? Greeks? Gays?Shiver me timbers, I REALLY need to examine myself before some large group of people gets eradicated!!!

OHH SHIT!!! SHIT! SHIT!!! SHIT!!! This meme just popped up on my screen, and I SWEAR I had pop-up blocking active. A MESSAGE FROM GOD!!!!!?

This day is not starting off very well, oh boy, now I’ve got so much to figure out.

The sleeping beauty on the right came from a fire barrel. When my fiancee and I received her yesterday, she needed a bath. As I rinsed the ash out of her hair and she began to shine black, I shed my first bittersweet tear as a human being. My neurons made contrasting connections. My brain was flooded with the feeling of knowing as sadness rushed in on a happy wave. For a moment, I understood why we are here.

To make meaning where it didn’t exist. To save lives that don’t matter. To give life to dead stars. To give names to our hopes.

Sorry to bait & switch you, but … no, it’s not.

Is this the conclusion that the majority of us have come to?

Have we surrendered our minds so fully to the will of greedy, atypical human beings — that we ACTUALLY believe this to be true??

Have we been sold so completely that we have suffocated our own instincts?

“What is the point of it all?”

If society were designed by and for typical human beings, we would not be compelled to ask this question at all.

You don’t think this is true? You think human beings are inherently bad? WHY? Are YOU BAD? Why are you bad? What did you do wrong? Have you ever done anything “bad” which could not be attributed to either cultural misdirection or neglect?

If you think you need “god” to behave like a decent human being … then, I’m calling you out right now. BULLSHIT.

You are good. Human Beings are good. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

If we spread this message …

The “Point” would be all around us … do you wonder “why you are here” while you are caring for another human being? If so … then your mind has been corrupted by god.

(Ok, so maybe most old people are aggravating. There’s no way around that. But, we still have to help them until they die. We can’t blame them … they were conditioned to blab about pointless shit.)

Yes, I said: if you are wondering “why you are here,” then your mind has been corrupted by god. If you cannot feel connection with other human beings, then it’s not the “lack of god” which has done this to you … it’s the prevalence of the notion of god in our society. It’s the prevalence of this lie that there is no point without god … There is NO POINT to LIFE without a good relationship with an INVISIBLE SOMETHING WHICH WE HAVE ARGUED FOR CENTURIES TRYING TO DEFINE???? Yeah … that adds up. No, it doesn’t, but as human beings, we are inherently bad at math. We express ourselves with images and sounds … metaphors. Things which are slightly ambiguous resonate with most of us … a predisposition which is easily exploited.

God doesn’t benefit everyone.

(Wow, that’s beautiful. Where are all the poor children? At recess???)

God is just a stick that our masters have been throwing us since the rise of civilization — the life of a dog seems pointless when lived as a human being.

And, GRIDLOCK is the least of the concerns for those in the Los Angeles area AND THE WORLD for that matter. Because now that God has GRACED us with TANGIBLE PROOF of His existence … all are left wondering … will there be MORE where that came from? And, where did it come from? What does God EAT?

An anonymous onlooker stated, “Now I KNOW God is a dude. A female couldn’t take a crap that big, even if she were an omnipotent God. Just sayin’.”

But, not everyone is having such a casual reaction.

Some are falling ill.

Some see this as the long awaited proof they needed.

Some are wondering … hmm … should we find a use for God’s dung?

Should we dispose of it? And, if so, HOW?

OR … should we just leave it be. And, see what happens?

Only one thing is certain. Life here on Earth will NEVER be the SAME now that the primary debate has been settled.

Perhaps now we can move on and address some more pertinent issues. Or … will we just fight over this shit forever? If other nations come forth and say, “Hey, we want some of that shit! What makes you think God doesn’t just have bad aim and wanted it to land somewhere else??”

Will we be willing to share? Will we be willing to give our lives … defending God’s bowel movement?

(Sorry, no pic of a giant pile of divine dung for those who were waiting for that.)

Remember when he did this shit to Adam!? Messed UP! I mean … Adam was a douche … but, can you blame him with a dad like that!? Those kiss-ass angels didn’t need his love! We did!

Being abandoned makes human beings prone to …

Faith my ASS! I’m taking my BRAIN BACK!

So, God is this Great, Famous artist — GOOD FOR HIM.

When I’m feeling alone, I’m leaning on my FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS. He might have turned us into a bunch of intellectually stagnant, emotional disasters who occasionally can’t tell a butt plug from a grenade — but, you know what!? Still got a better track record than that self-important sack of shit. What the hell am I capitalizing his pronouns for? Enough. What!? I’m sorry. I’m done with the whole self-pitying, orphan thing … I’m done being upset about it and done wondering whether or not he ever existed in the first place.

Good people of the world. I’ve got fantastic news for all of you. I have just signed an executive order which decreases the price of a global lottery ticket to 99 cents! When is the last time you paid under a dollar for anything!? Let alone your fair shot at immeasurable happiness!!? Huh!?

Wait! Wait! I have also …

Thank you. Thank you. Hold on … there’s more!

You are gracious. Thank you! People! Wait!

I know, I know … but listen …

Listen: I have also … I would suggest that you all sit down for this if we were not packed in this auditorium like sardines. So … people … make sure you use your fellow human beings to keep your balance … as, what I’m about to tell you may flood your brains with so much joy … you won’t, you won’t —

PIANO PLAYER is warming up on an antique piano (the only antique in the club).

BOB is behind the bar, talking on a futuristic looking phone.

Bob: Two Cardinals hats?? The Cardinals suck this year — why would I wanna let you sell those in my club?

I’m not sure how I feel about letting you harass my customers with this bullshit, anyway.

Official business venture, huh? Well, how come you don’t do business somewhere else?

Do you have a fictitious name cert — wait, what!? From The Vatican!? How … I thought you meant St. Louis — I know you knew I meant the St. Louis Cardinals, and, no, I don’t think you’re an idiot … well, perhaps, I do … how do you know they’re real?

Words Person 2: I don’t know. Is that our kid? Let’s take it up to the roof and hold it off the side until it explains itself!

Well, perhaps it’s not the words, but the ears, the mouths and the eyes (can you make out this yellar word?) which cause the trouble. At least, in the silly little world depicted above. Written above. Explained above? At least … that’s the way it sounds when you, when we listen to, or read these two characters, which I … wrote for you to enjoy, purely for amusement purposes.

Oh yeah … which one did you think was the mommy and which one was the daddy?

Well, gee, I’ve never written one of these things before. I’m not sure what format I’m supposed to use. So, I hope this doesn’t seem too informal. Hey, it’s my will: I declare this post to be official. I’m going to number my requests, and I hope this will make them more intelligible.

1.) If right before I perish, I scream “mommy!” — I would like for my body to be torn to pieces by starving wolves. It is important to me that they are starving, as I would not want any chance of any of them being a glutton. If they begin to eat me in a civil manner, I insist that they be provoked. Well, you can douse me in any sauce that would be appealing to them; I don’t care. Whatever gets them tearing.

2.) If right before I perish, I should scream “Priest!! Get me a Priest!! I’m sorry! I believe! I believe!” — then I would like to be stuffed and put in The Museum for Spineless Wimps with a placard beneath my feet which states: “Here Stands The Spineless Wimp. He seemed to be living a moderately courageous life all the way up until the last second — when he grabbed for his testicles to make sure they were still there — and, alas, they had always been an illusion.”