We have gathered today to...not celebrate. Certainly not celebrate. "Celebrate" does not in any way capture the feeling any of us has here today.

"Commiserate."

Yes, commiserate. That's a much better word.

We have gathered here to commiserate on the horror that has befallen our beloved award on this day. A black cloud hangs over all of our heads this Tuesday afternoon, a dark shroud clouding our hearts and minds as we debate on who actually won this week, who really deserves this treasured trophy. Arguments at this very moment are ringing out from office water coolers to sports bars, from cubicles to factory floors.

Brother battling brother.

Priests punching rabbis directly in the face.

These are dark days for this nation.

Worse, our two major party presidential candidates went an entire 90 minutes last night without even mentioning this crisis. It was a shameful showing from the two men who are supposed to be America's best and brightest, a complete and total embarrassment to what makes this country great - a firm, unwavering belief that you and you alone truly know shiat about sports. Instead of a moderator getting steamrolled by both candidates, instead of blathering on about meaningless bullshiat like a nuclear Iran and tumult in Libya, why couldn't we have had Bob Schieffer ask the candidates, "Just why in the fark hasn't Jay Cutler thrown a pick yet tonight?"

One would think that President Obama, a well-known Bears fan, wouldn't have minded to field that question. One would think Obama would love to extoll the ability of his favorite team's gunslinger to win Jakes when he's not winning games. One would think the president would've grabbed that opportunity to rhapsodize in soaring rhetoric about Jay Cutler's innate ability throw touchdowns and temper tantrums in equal measure.

One would be wrong.

Mitt Romney, well...he came off the assembly line in Michigan, didn't he? He wouldn't have had a problem bashing the Bears as emblematic of failed Chicago-style politics and reveling in the Lions as representative of the ongoing Detroit comeback. Cutler's been sensational at following in the footsteps of the namesake, it's true, but he's almost 30 years old. "At only 24 years of age, Matthew Stafford is truly the turnover-prone quarterback of the future, one Jake already won during last season," he could've uneasily stammered.

Instead, both candidates remained shamefully silent, twiddling their thumbs as Fark Sports burned. Much like the administration of James Buchanan, a storm was brewing, unrest was sown far and wide, and a scar formed across the soul of America. But instead of a civil war rife with bloodshed and brutality, what would be the result of this disgraceful inaction in the face of clear and present danger?

A malaise had come to the tab, ladies and gentlemen.

A malaise that was spread through the sheer number of tied candidates scoring 33.3 that we saw this week, not to mention the record number of winner's exemptions handed out - three, in fact, to Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, and by the grace of Purple Jesus, Christian Ponder. So really, who should win for Week 7?

Should it be Ol' Reliable, forever the bridesmaid and never the bride, Ryan Fitzpatrick? He can always be counted on to do just enough to get himself in the conversation, after all. Some weeks he even leads for a bit, until the next batch of games inevitably finds someone who smashes through Ryan's accomplishment. This week, he contributed his usual single interception and single fumble to the pile. Should that really stand as the marker?

Here we have John Skelton, another candidate with a pick and fumble, but one who managed to find a way to lose to a quarterback who only threw for 58 yards. Admittedly, it is highly tempting to simply throw him the trophy and call it a day. It simply boggles the mind to imagine how a quarterback can pass for a third of his body weight and still notch a victory. However, it becomes a little less glowing when you remember that said quarterback had Adrian Peterson - and Adrian Peterson on a day in which he didn't feel like fumbling the ball three or four times, natch - to constantly bail his ass out of the fire. Could that ridiculous failure be our winner?

We also have Robert Griffin III under consideration. It's true, he like so many others on Sunday threw an interception and lost a fumble - gave up two, in fact, but only lost one, and we know what counts here - but can that performance on the road be worthy of this award? He seemingly did all he could swipe that game in the swamps of New Jersey, leading his team to what seemed like a sure win and himself to a nice winner's exemption, only to see his defense forget that getting back should really be on the agenda. That can't be the winner, not at all.

And of course we've got Cam Newton back in the spotlight. The Best in the World. These days, the only thing he seems best in the world at is inspiring rage in doughy sportswriters prone to sweating problems. Mired in a sophomore slump, looking like the overrated jerk some brave, bright, incredibly handsome Farkers were courageous enough to call him last year, Newton tossed the ball away once on an massively misjudged throw into the endzone and managed to fumble it away before his day was done. However, when your most notable achievements come after the game in the press room, when the only thing anyone remembers about what you did was calling a woman "sweetheart" during your latest pity party, you don't deserve this glory. Hell no.

Joe Flacco did what no other quarterback did this week, throwing a whole two interceptions. Maybe the award is his just based on that, based on the idea that a pair of something's better than one of each. But then again, I don't know where that idea came from and somehow throwing two and not three only upsets me more. Sure, he got his unibrow handed to him by the best in the AFC, but that does represent a high level of competition. Can't complain too hard about that. In the end, hopefully Joey's mom made him the chicken nuggets in the animal shapes today, because he's not getting this trophy, no sir.

And then there's Mark Sanchez. The Sanchise. The gunslinger who went to AFC Championship Games in his first two seasons, led by a brash head coach whose love for a good snack was only met that for a long sole. Troubling times of late for Mark, however. Having his job threatened by His Holy Tebus, New York/New Jersey heathens so desperate for a winner they want to turn to a man who would blanch at the sight of Central Park after dark. This week was no better, really. 328 yards, sure, but a performance overall that was so bumbling it could only be described as surreal. Facing the Patriots, true, Brady and Belichick being stiff competition no matter how they've underperformed thus far. However. Being forced to boot a ball out of the back of the endzone? Yeah, I'd say that's surreal to say the least. And then there's his last turnover, the fumble to make it a piddling 33.3, but a fumble nonetheless that lost the game for his team. Are we really resigned to that? Is that our bottom line, our bare minimum of failure?

So it must be.

For scoring a pathetic 33.3, for...eh. It's just so hard, I don't...are you surprised by my tears, sir?

Strong men also cry. Strong men also...cry.

*cough*

Okay, I'm ready.

For scoring a pathetic 33.3, for recording the lowest total for a Jake winner that I can think of, for doing the least imaginable to win, I'm not proud...DEFINITELY not proud...but I must present the Week 7 Jake for the 2012 NFL season to Mark Sanchez of the New York Jets.

Mark, do you have anything to...you know what, fark that and fark you. Goodnight.

Not sure if anyone saw this one, but Norv responded to the cheating allegations:

San Diego Chargers Coach Norv Turner denied Monday that any members of the team had used a sticky substance and said that the NFL is looking into the Chargers' use of a towel, not a substance.

"Nobody from the San Diego Chargers used Stickum in the game on Monday night against the Denver Broncos," Turner said Monday. "Nobody in this organization has used Stickum in any game. The questions that have been asked by the league involve a towel that has been used by this organization for over 10 years.