Friday, 27 March 2015

To Become Dad

I've written many a time that dads don't always get as much look-in or support as they should when they go on their journey to become dad. I've also said many a time to my hubs that he should write a guest post for this blog of mine, as he's a very eloquent writer and I think it would be really interesting to share his perspective for a change.

And finally, he said yes.

M&S, to celebrate the launch of their new online baby hub, got in touch to ask if Stephen would like to share his top dad tips which may also make it into a Dad's Survival Guide they're collating.

So, here in his first post as To Become Dad, may I introduce you to my husband and his take on the whole bump to baby thing...

Becoming a dad
is an interesting experience. So much of the literature available to and aimed
specifically at fathers-to-be is patronizing or written with a typical ‘lad’ in
mind that it becomes difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. I know
that I personally read a handful of books which tried to explain, with varying
degrees of success, what I should expect my role to be before during and after
the birth. Over the course of this post,
I’ll cover what I went through before, during and after the birth, provide some
tips and advice and give you a candid look at some of the harsher realities of
becoming a father.

At the risk of
sounding like the opening line of goodfellas, ever since I can remember, I
wanted to be a gangster dad. I don’t know why, other than I thought it
would be something I’d be good at and take to naturally and, for the most part,
I was right. I don’t mind acting silly to get a few laughs, I don’t mind
rolling around on the floor and, if Ethan had turned out to be a girl (we
didn’t know until he arrived and discovered that yep, he was most definitely a
boy), I wouldn’t have minded having pretend tea parties and playing with Barbie
dolls and all those other stereotypically ‘girly’ things men of my generation
think young girls do (although I’d make sure any daughter of mine also had a
healthy interest in films, comics and video games, too – speaking of which,
Ethan can already recognise Mario and Spider-Man by sight; he’s not quite
progressed to playing games yet, but it’s still early days).

I’m one of those
people who obsessively research something I’m interested in, whether it’s a new
game, film or, in this case, having a child. I read countless webpages, forums
and books, watched videos on youtube and spoke to friends who are dads, all so
I could absorb as much information as possible before baby arrived. But, much
like revising for a big exam only to sit staring at the test paper because your
mind has gone blank, most of the things I learnt went completely out of my mind
when Ethan actually turned up.

One of the
things I found most difficult about the pregnancy portion of the whole thing
was that I’d just started on a new project at work that required me to be away
4 nights a week. This left Kelly at home alone for the majority of one of the
most wonderful yet tumultuous and stressful things a woman can go through.
Knowing I wasn’t there to support Kelly was difficult for both of us and, although
she faced it with the passion, excitement and courage that is so typical of
her, I couldn’t help feel like I’d fallen at the first hurdle. I’d text her and
phone her as much as possible, but she’d gone from having a very active,
engaging career in PR (which obviously involved talking a lot) to suddenly
being sat at home on maternity leave with no one to talk to and no work to keep
her occupied.

Kelly admitted that, once she’d tidied the house a few times and
got bored of daytime TV, she found the whole thing quite lonely. Kelly can talk
for England at the best of times, so I was always mindful of letting her vent
before I told her how my day was going, even If it meant I had to pretend to be
interested in what had happened on This Morning or Jeremy Kyle that day.

Top tip: If you’re in work or otherwise out all day
whilst your partner is on maternity leave, don’t be surprised if they talk your
ear off as soon as you walk in the door. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and
exasperated, try to remember that you may be the first person she’s spoken to
since you left that morning!

Once we’d
entered that final furlong and we knew the birth was relatively imminent, we
set about making last minute preparations. We’d been told that most birth plans
end up going out the window (best laid plans and all that), so I’d stockpiled
snacks, drinks, put some of Kelly’s favourite comedies on her iPad in case we
ended up sitting around for hours with nothing to do. We’d done the dutiful
thing of having an overnight bag packed with all the things we’d been told were
essential (change of clothes etc). This meant that, when the time came, we
could just dash out of the door.

It was my role to make sure nothing important
got left behind, to keep Kelly calm and just show her that I was there for her,
even though deep down I was probably just as nervous and scared as she was!

We did a lot of pre-planning, buying in everything we thought we would want or need. Going to one place, such as the M&S Baby online shop, really can help as you can just get everything you need in one go, and check things off your list.

Top tip: Prepare your overnight bag well ahead of
time. Take charge of that side of things so your partner doesn’t have to worry
about it. Make sure you have snacks, water and entertainment available in case
you end up sat around for hours. Remember chargers for any tablets or phones,
but bear in mind you might not be able to use such devices in all parts of the
hospital – so bring magazines or books, too!

Kelly’s waters
broke in the early hours of Saturday, 4th May. She shook me awake,
told me what had happened and I sat there, nervous and excited at the same
time, as she called the hospital to find out what to do next. When she was told
to come in first thing in the morning to see the midwife, to not eat anything
prior to arriving and to try and get some rest. I promptly fell back to sleep;
I’d like to say this was because I knew I’d need to bank as much rest as I
could before the big day, but honestly, I was just knackered. I didn’t know it
at the time (what with being unconscious and snoring next to her), but Kelly
lay awake for the rest of that night.

Top tip: if your partner’s waters break in the middle
of the night, do the right thing and sit up with her if necessary. Being able
to talk to you during these first few scary hours will really help keep her
calm and collected, ready for the big day (or two – the birth can go on for a
while, after all) ahead.

As it turns out,
our birth plan did go out the window.
Whilst we’d planned to have a nice, calm and relaxing water birth at a local
midwife run birthing centre (we’d already visited it, it was basically a spa),
upon checking Kelly’s blood pressure when we arrived at hospital the next
morning, the midwife decided that nope, that was not going to happen.

My
parents had kindly picked us up from home and taken us to the hospital with the
expectation that we’d be going home again once we’d checked in with the midwife
but, after already being there an hour before the midwife told us we’d need to
wait another hour or so so that they could check Kelly’s blood pressure again,
so I told my parents to go home rather than wait. What I hadn’t realised in the
stress and pressure of the situation was that all of our well-packed bags –
along with my wallet - were still in the boot of their car and very quickly an
hour turned into two, and then into three and before we knew it, we’d been sat
on an uncomfortable bench, with poor Kelly hooked up to a blood pressure
monitor, for six hours. During this time neither of us were offered a drink of
water and we were told she couldn’t eat. I often had to go and check what was
happening as all too it frequently felt like we’d been forgotten.

On the
occasions when someone did check on us, they weren’t particularly friendly or
helpful. I eventually managed to scrounge a jug of water from a kindly
receptionist, but by this point Kelly had been awake for over 12 hours, hadn’t
had anything to eat or drink that whole time, had been given nothing for the
pain and had thrown up a few times (which no one had bothered to remove for us,
which was, y’know…nice).

Finally, around 4pm, we were told that a delivery room
was available and that Kelly was ready to go through, which was about as big a
relief as you can imagine after the hell we’d just experienced – not exactly
great for someone in labour whose blood pressure is being monitored for being
too high already!

Top tip: Things can and probably will go awry – in the
heat of the moment it’s easy to lose track of things like who has the bags or
the snacks etc, so try to keep a level head. Also, don’t be afraid to go and
find staff to ask what’s going on. They have a lot of people to deal with, so
if you sit around waiting for them, you might be waiting a long time. Whilst
they go through this every day, you don’t, so make sure you get the level of
care you want and deserve!

Keep your partner’s mind off what’s happening if
necessary; talk to them about whatever comes into your mind just to help them
focus away from the pain and the situation, if only for a moment – it can make
a huge difference.

Once we found
out we were going through to delivery, I got in contact with my parents and
they dropped off all our stuff. Kelly tried to eat a sandwich but still felt
pretty rough and still hadn’t been given anything for the pain – not even so
much as a paracetamol – despite asking! There was an initial flurry of
activity, then things quietened down again.

Around 7pm, a shift change meant we
got a new midwife and Kelly was finally given gas and air. She still hadn’t
slept or eaten properly, and was in increasing amounts of pain due to her
contractions. Once again we found ourselves talking about the most random or
inane things to try and keep her mind off the pain.

Top tip: If you’ve been taken through to the delivery
room and find yourself sitting around with nothing to do, continue to talk with
your partner to help take their mind off the pain. Don’t just sit there reading
your phone in silence! This is a difficult part of the whole process, as you’re
almost but-not-quite at the finish line.

Around 7.30pm
things began happening very quickly. Ethan had decided he was ready to make an
appearance and Kelly was given an epidural (this takes a lot longer than you
might think – around 30 minutes to administer and during that entire time the
soon-to-be mom has to stay completely still). She was also experiencing
back-to-back contractions, which made keeping still for the epidural even more
difficult. Kelly was holding my hand through most of the birth and, when a
particularly bad contraction hit, she would squeeze as hard as she could. She
also, in the process of hoisting herself into position, kneed me in the side of
the head.

After a long and protracted birth it became clear Ethan wasn’t quite
ready to turn up, so the decision was made for the medical staff to intervene.
This meant the nice intimate gathering of pregnant lady, bewildered dad and
midwife quickly turned into 3 midwives, two doctors, a head nurse and a consultant,
a lot of rushing about and shouting and no one telling you what the heck is
going on. It’s terrifying, it’s awful and if it happens, it’s best to just get
out of the way and do what you’re told.

Top tip:prepare to get your hand crushed, to be headbutted,
to be kneed in the side of the head…the birthing process is a traumatic ordeal
for everyone! Once things do start to kick off, there isn’t much you can do
except be as supportive as possible, keep out of everyone’s way and try not to
let on how scared you are! You’re probably going to see some stuff you’d really
wish you hadn’t during the birth but no matter how much blood there is or how
grossed out you are, keep it together for your partner. Don’t lose it now!

If things go
wrong during the birth…

If things start to go wrong during the birth, your
role as dad-to-be is to get out of everyone’s’ way, to keep as calm as you
possibly can be and to keep reassuring your partner that everything will be
alright, even if you have no clue what is going on (which you probably won’t –
if things go wrong everyone goes into action mode, the room quickly fills with
other people and you’re pushed to the side and basically ignored).

Once Ethan had
finally arrived safe and sound just before 1am on Sunday 5th May and
he’d been weighed, measured, put in a nappy and wrapped in a blanket, we were
left alone with our beautiful new arrival. We fawned over him, made calls to
our parents and nearest and dearest to tell them the news and even managed to
post a Facebook status update to let everyone else know. Phew!

Around 4am I was
told to go home as Kelly and Ethan were being moved to the ward with the other
new moms. My parents dropped me home and I don’t remember much else until I
woke up the next day in bed but still fully clothed. I wasn’t allowed back to
the hospital until Kelly was ready to be discharged around 3pm, but I’d kept in
touch via text and phone as much as I could. She hadn’t had any sleep (a noisy
blood pressure monitor that beeped loudly when it ran out of battery, having to
roam the halls trying to find some water and having all the curtains drawn back
at 7am makes it difficult to sleep, I guess), and she’d only managed to eat a
bit of toast, but she was as radiant and beautiful as ever, all things considered!

Top tip: Once the baby arrives, you’re liable to
crash, big time. The adrenaline that was holding you together and keeping you
awake suddenly dissipates and your body starts calling in all those favours
you’d been asking of it over the last few hours. But you’re not done yet! There
are phonecalls to make, Facebook statuses to post and the small matter of a
tiny new addition to the world to look after! At some point you’ll be told
you’re surplus to requirements and that you can go home (some hospitals might
allow you to stay overnight, but ours didn’t). Take the opportunity to catch up
on your sleep – you’re gonna need it! If you get home in the middle of the
night, set an alarm for a decent hour so that you can be up, awake and
available should you be needed. Don’t be surprised if you’re not allowed back
to the hospital until later in the day – the staff on the maternity wards can
be pretty militant about these things.

In the weeks
that followed, I took it as my role to make sure Kelly was looked after as much
as possible. Cooking dinner (you know how serious I was if I started cooking),
making copious amounts of tea, feeding Ethan, changing him, getting him to
sleep and basically just doing as much as I possibly could to take some of the
pressure off of Kelly.

When we first got home with Ethan, we were both left
with a feeling of ‘well…now what?’ until we picked up a routine. You fawn over
the baby but you don’t get much back in return – they can’t smile, they can
barely see and the most interaction you’ll get is a contented burp or fart.

Newborns also cry quite a lot – in the animal kingdom this was to make them
seem small and helpless so the parents wouldn’t abandon/eat them and it’s meant
to tug on your heart strings but, I’m ashamed to admit it, Ethan’s cry was like
nails on a blackboard for me. You might read a lot about how, when you have a newborn,
it’s like love at first sight. But it's different for everyone. Like any relationship, it takes time
to develop and, at first, it can be hard to bond.

However, Kelly and I supported each other and we talked through everything and things returned to normal soon enough. I love
Ethan more than life itself, would do anything for him and love spending time
with him.

Top tip: Don’t be shy about chipping in. This is a
great time to get to know your new baby, but don’t expect much back in return.
Help out with feeding if you can, changing nappies, bathing, everything you can
to help your partner – they’ve just been through a physically and emotionally
traumatic experience and will need time to recover.

If you’re not
bonding with your baby or don’t have that ‘love at first sight’ feeling– don’t
panic – it’s completely normal and happens much more than you might think. Talk to your partner, communicate and support each
other through this. There's support out there too if you need it.

Since his early days, my bond with and love for Ethan has only grown. I am amazed at how
he progresses on an almost daily basis, how much he learns, how much he can
make me laugh (who knew an almost-two-year-old could be so funny?!?) and how
we’ve come together as a little family.

Things fell into place and matched and
then exceeded my expectations of what being a dad was going to be like. Ethan
is such a lovely little man, so friendly and confident; everyone who meets him
adores him and I am so grateful that I get to be his daddy.

Final tips:

* Take lots of pictures but also videos – your child will say and do
things that photos just can’t capture and they change that rapidly that it is
easy to forget their little quirks and idiosyncrasies

* Enjoy the time you have with your child. They change so quickly that
it’ll feel like no time at all before they don’t want to play with you anymore.
Make the most of this time

* Cuddle your child every chance you get. It’ll make you both feel
wonderful

* Take pride in the little things – whether it be your child signing
along to Mr. Tumble, or the way they suddenly start giggling when they trump,
be proud of your wonderful little creation

Hello

I’m Kelly, mama to Ethan (5) and bump (due December), wife to Ste and we live in Birmingham with our dog, two cats and two rabbits. You could say that life is pretty busy in our house… and it’s about to get busier!

TBM is a UK based family and lifestyle blog and vlog about my life, loves & adventures in motherhood, established since 2012. Here, I share my take on pregnancy, parenting, style, beauty, interiors, food and days out, and my mission to put the 'me' into mummy. Grab a cuppa and have a look around…