The only thing you need to know about last week is how poorly Here Comes the Boom did, which is at it should be, because that movie must obviously suck. Kevin James is funny in the way being shot but not fatally is funny. This week another stalwart of shit is hitting the theaters, but this one pretends to be scary instead of funny. Let’s look.

Paranormal Activity 4

I can’t even find adequate words to describe how much I hate the idea of this movie, let alone its reality. I dislike this franchise so much it actually makes me angry. Literally angry. Why should any movie make you angry? It defies logic, but so does the popularity of these terrible, uninspired, repetitive and hack job shit movies. That said, here’s my synopsis of the film.

Happy family, normal life, normal life, foreshadow, foreboding, mysterious noise, door opens by itself, door close, walking, mysterious figure, ominous happenings, 45 minutes of footage that could have been lifted from any of the previous 3 movies, jump scare ending that is exactly like the ending of the previous 3. They ended 3 goddamn movies the exact same way, what do you think happen at the end of this shit cake? Screw this movie.

Alex Cross

The last time I saw Alex Cross he was played by Morgan Freeman. This time he’s Tyler Perry. Someone must be shitting someone else here. The jump from Morgan Freeman to Tyler Perry is like Scarlett Johansson to Rosie O’Donnell. It’s like filet mignon to the dumpster behind an Olive Garden. It’s like a 4way with 3 hot chick to a Fleshlight made out of an old boot with a hole worn in the heel. So yeah, don’t bother.

The Sessions

This made me think of Session 9 which was a pretty boss movie all around. David Caruso is in it though and man, he’s awful. But the movie is good. I doubt this is related, however. The poster is confusing and terrible, but I guess Helen Hunt is in it and that’s the cinematic equivalent of a threat. It’s not even that she’s terrible, it’s that she’s just so uninteresting. She’s the fart of a hot chick, like it was near a hot chick but isn’t a hot chick. Not that attractiveness in any way defines a person’s worth, however she looks a bit like a rat and it’s distracting. Plus she comes across as shrill all the time. Like everything is on her nerves. Lady, go have a drink and come back when you get that pinecone out of your asshole.

Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes

I’m fascinated by Bigfoot because the people who seem to have an interest in him are invariably stupider than you could have guessed. And odds are you already assume them to be dumb, but they are in fact dumber. So this movie has a built in fan base of people who probably eat pennies by accident sometimes because they think they’re flat, shiny almonds. Or because they know they’re pennies, they just don’t know why pennies aren’t food.

I’m not sure if this is like a fake documentary or, god forbid, a real documentary but whatever the case, it’ll be preposterous.

Nobody Walks

First of all, this is a lie. People walk. I walked to the store today. It’s an acceptable past time. I listen to music while I walk and try t be a part of the world while simultaneously shutting it out. It’s very zen for me. When a movie lies to me in the title, I can take nothing it offers me seriously and assume that watching the movie will probably just ruin my day. So Nobody Walks is now Everybody In It Sucks and I wash my hands of it. You should, too.