What happened with NeNe-n-Curtis? Is she gonna go on a date with the Coop?

Ok, so Real Housewives of Atlanta ended last week, and we're all obvs on the edge of our seats waiting for the Reunion Special this Tues. It looks unmissable, people, and word on the street is that a MA-JOR, knock down, drag out fight takes place between Lisa Wu Hartwell and Kimmy Kim Kim Zolciak. Needless to say, my eyes will be peeped.

Anyway, there has been so much juicy RHOA shit on the dub dub dub over the past week, and I've just been playin Boys 2 Men's "End of the Road" on repeat, so I just HAD to do a round-up:

*Vintage Kim Zolciak: this shit is good. Seems Kimmy appeared years ago on a "Hot or Not" type reality show hosted by Lorenzo Lamas. Through the magic of the internets, it is yours for the watching (by the by, Kim got a unanimous NOT). (DListed)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Wow, I really thought that my haterade hard on for you was already at full mast being that I disagree with every religious, philosophical, political and theoretical idea you have ever shared.

But this last thing...THIS is the thing that confirms that u-n-me can never ever be an item.

While everyone was gawking at your short shorts the other day at the Republican Governor's Conference in Miami, Geeksugar was scoping out the fact that you are, something far worse than a whore-y, soul sucking moron: very predictably, you are a PC (duh).

True, this fact could have been called from miles and miles away from the comfort of an amply stocked with semi-automatic machinery moose hunting helicopter, but still...it was nice to have official pics or it didn't happen confirmation.

Anyway, obvies I am a mac.

Just as you believe strongly in a Creationist theory of the universe, I believe strongly in this.

In summary, stay true to your PCness, Sarah...really. It's incredibly helpful in allowing me to continue to easily sub categorize the world. I'm sure someone already told you that anyone who uses a mac is either: gay, Jewish, a gotcha media journalist, an elite (i.e. the dude who actually got elected Prez), or all of the above, so you really don't want to mix it up with any of those mofos.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

You had Snoop Dogg on your show and were all "he's off the chizzle for shizzle...and today he's in the hizzle"-n-shit.

And then you wanted him to tell you what he calls a potato...and you know what he calls a potato?! A POTATO!

Then you made mashed potizzles with his ass.

And then Snoop was all "Miss Martha...you are a hot ass ho" and you were all "Mr. Doggy Dogg I would love for you to take me out back and show me how a for real for realz man haz a good time." And Snoop was all, "Hells yeah, bitchizzle, I'm gonna..."

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Yet again, I'd like to offer up a hearty fuck all y'all to your haters.

Justin Timberlake trash talking has reached an all-time fever pitch in recent months: NY Mag claimed you lost your charisma, Pop on the Pop thinks you're off your meds, Videogum said that you are "unclever," and Perez calls you "Timberlame." And that's like only half the shit I came across in my google reader.

I for one, have stayed true blue true to my man through all of this nonsensical bullshit. And on Saturday night, you reminded me why.

Holy. Hilariousness.

And just in case people were thinkin "yeah...he's funny, but that was like all about the leotard," you then went on to KILL IT during Weekend Update.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Just in case you're sitting around thinking: "s'like, I love reading DFA everyday...I just wish I had MORE to sink my teeth into. Write. More Stuff. PUHLEEZ!," well today is your lucky, mothefuckin day.

Krump on over to MTV's Buzzworthy blog, and you'll find some Grade A, top notch, not-to-be-missed buzzy buzz. I'll be joining the buzzworthy gang 3 times a week, with a weekend recap on Mondayz, some old-school vintage vault music video commentary mid week, and all sorts of other fun stuff. So, if you haven't already, I highly suggest you make room in your RSS reader for Buzzworthy, and start reading it pronto (there will be a test).

These guys are on top of pretty much everything and anything happening in the world of music, esp everything JoBro related (duh).

Based on the fact that your cell phone has already been broken into like 17 times...and now your getting all sorts of violated on the youtube...don't you think it might be time to...oh, I don't know: CHANGE ALL YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PASSWORDS!?

Friday, November 14, 2008

I have just spent the past hour watching all 75 vids starring this adorable-licious little girl, and quite frankly, I'm feeling unprepared for now having to deal with the realities of life.

Work? Shower? Taking out the garbage?

I simply cannot do it. It's not fair! I just want to watch these videos all day. And watch Cappucine dance. And listen to Cappucine say hippopotamus and croco-deel en francais (Mon dieu!).

Can we all band together and insist that Cappucine (dubbed Amelie Jr. by the leaders of the interwebs) take over for Suri, Shiloh, Zuma, David, Honor, Max, Emme and all the rest of the celebrity babies?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Just got a hot reader tip about the Real Housewives of Atlanta that I HAD to share.

Who the hell knows if its true, or not, but if it is true, it's hella juicy. So gather round kids, lean in, and feast your eyes on this:

"Kim Zolciak, single mother of 2, from Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo Channel), is the target of Lisa Wu Hartwell's verbal rampage. Lisa recently verbally exploded in an on camera taping of the reunion against Kim Monday in Atlanta. (much speculation that Lisa struck Kim on and off camera).

Lisa, ex wife of Keith Sweat, is upset with Kim over the news that the story Lisa does not have custody of her children because she previously had a drug addiction problem amongst other allegations has leaked because of Kim. Producers may require Lisa to undergo anger management classes. Lisa's children and ex husband are not featured in the show as their father, Keith Sweat, did not sign the release form to allow them to be filmed with Lisa.

There is trouble in paradise as, Lisa, has threatened Kim at local media tapings with comments, text messages and phone call messages. Sources say that Kim currently is in serious consideration to take legal action against Lisa, as there is significant documentation of the intimidation and harrassment to warrant a restraining order."

Whoa, baby. That's some grade A, good shit.

Interesting too, since Lisa has sorta been a non-entity to me thus far throughout the RHOA eps. I wonder if this all went down in her bowling alley?

Just for funzies, I went back into the vault to remind myself who the fuck Keith Sweat actually was/is. The jam above ("Make You Sweat") t-o-t-a-l-l-y takes me back to my leggings/E.G. Smith socks wearin days.

I'm sure you and Michelle are way on top of this sitch, and I really don't mean to interfere, but I can't help but offer up my own take on the shituation which is: NO, no, nowayjose, a thousand times N O , n'uh uh. NO.

In case you are not convinced that this is the worst idea in the history of the universe, I offer you up the following as proof:

And *just* in case that doesn't like totally convince you, here's one more snap of another famous chick who ALSO has her own tween TV show:

This idea is worse than asking Sarah Palin to be the newly appointed Ambassador to Russia...worse than choosing a pitpubull that hasn't been fixed and likes to hump everyone as your white house pet...worse than Heidi Montag supporting you as a candidate; in other words = catastrophe of epic proportions.

Anyway, I know I'm not supposed to do this and if you simply cannot hang, than I suggest you skip today's post in the hopes that I write about gumdrops and moon beams tomorrow.

Cause I've been thinkin' about this shit for a long time now, and I can no longer hold back. I'm sorry to mothers and fathers everywhere, and grandparents too I guess. And I should probably pre-apologize to all you scientology freaks who r gonna send your kids to that freaky Bev Hills Scientology school, cause I'm sure your asses are gonna be pissed off at me too (though I don't care about you so much).

Anyway.

Here's what's on my mind : Will and Jada Smith's son Jaden seems like he's a colossal asshole.

!!!!!!!!!

I submit the following as evidence:

True, I guess I mostly feel this way because the dude is friggin ALWAYS wearing sunglasses, but I mean come on! Inside, outside, night, day, the little fucker simply cannot leave home without his shades....and he's 10!

AND, if he's not wearin sunglasses, he's inevitably making some sort of "step off, biyotch and don't fuck with me or else" pose. Like this one:

WTF?

I mean, I just envision him sitting in some mini-me office in Will Smith's house (set up to look exactly like Will's office because: AWWWWWWW, That's so cute!) He probably barks orders at people and insists that the maid iron his underwear-n-shit. I'm sure he's got girls following him around in bikinis already, his own recording studio and one of those mini electric Mercedes cars that he can drive around their property and run squirrels over with.

I don't know...I mean, this little douche dude is not the kid I would want to send my child on a playdate with, ya know? (eventhough I don't have a kid...and even if I did they wouldn't have playdates because I'd force them to live in a cupboard underneath the stairs like Harry Potter...but still).

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

While I enjoyed the hell out of learning that the Obama family has the coolest code names in the double secret CIA history of the universe (Barack Obama = Renegade; Michelle Obama = Renaissance; Malia Obama = Radiance; Sasha Obama = Rosebud), doesn't this, uhm, DEFEAT THE WHOLE FUCKING PURPOSE OF PROTECTING THEM??

Hai, Mr. crazy, psychopath terrorist!

In case you are looking to maime/hurt/spit on/scream expletives at any members of the first family, just print out this little crib sheet and follow around any ole Secret Service agent to pin down their location. It's like your very own GPS!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Believe it or not, this photo was taken moments after your little celebrified, scientology flecked ass walked right be me!

Yep, it's totally, 100% true!

It was last Friday afternoon around 12: 35 in Union Square. I had just gotten off of work (summer hours all year long, bitches!) and I was walking over to Trader Joe's with my husband to get some more of those 100 calorie choc bars, frozen meatless meatballs, cashew nuts and those asian soup bowl things that I totally dig for lunch.

Anyway, there we are...innocently walking along, cursing all of the annoying mofos who crossed our path and delayed our fucking mango, roasted red salsa purchasing for another 38 seconds, when I look over and immediately have this thought:

"Why the fuck do I know that little girl who's walking by me? I know like 9 kids total and I hate all the other ones, so unless that bitch is related to me, which she clearly is not, there is no way that I could possibly know who the fuck her little as [....] OHHELLSYEAH! WAIT A GODDAMMED FUCKING MINUTE. IT'S SURI MOTHERFUCKING CRUISE! THE Suri motherfucking Cruise [xenu, xenu]. AND IF THAT'S the SURI, THAN SHE MUST BE WALKING WITH [at this point, eyes shift up...and up...and until I spot an alien, giraffe-like being in skinny jeans with a bad haircut] KKKKKAAAAATTTTIIIIEEEE!"

The following took place over the course of the next four seconds: I point out you and ur mama bear Katie Holmes to my husband. He responds with a predictable "WHERE!!??" I point out exactly where (i.e. right in his fucking face). He responds with an "OOOOHHHHH YEAAAAHHHH." I stumble in my purse for my cell phone to take a picture of you (I cannot, for the life of me, locate my cell phone). My husband says "Wait, where again???"

ZOMGS.

By this time, you and your mamz had skipped away, off to the park (I now learn) to ostensibly play or some shit like that.

Gone forever.

Buh bye, bitches.

The whole thing seemed like a random act at the time, based on the logic of: well, we live in NYC; lots of celebs live here too; we're bound to run into some every once in awhile.

However, after careful analysis, I submit to you (you = my fine DFA readers; AND you = Suri), that that's all just a load of shit. This was not a random meeting...this was not haphazard: this was a divine power intervening on our behalfs (is that even a word?). This was fate. This was kismet. This was written in the book of life.

I'm not sure why I've been deemed the chosen one (again! wow, thanks gawd), but somehow, somewhere, the responsibility to rescue you-n-ur-mom from the grips of your scientology soaked, Tom Cruise powered vice grip has fallen on the shoulders of yours truly.

Le sigh.

Ok, so check it: I'm not exactly sure how I'm ultimately going to carry this shit out, but in the meantime, tell your mommy dearest to keep sneaking off to her closet and recording messages for us. She can even bring you if she has to, I don't give a crap.

Also, in the meantime, I've set up the following toll free number to ring directly on my cellphone: 1-800-SURI-RES (CUE...get it?). You can reach me day or night (try not to call after 10:30pm).

I am here for you now...ALWAYS. But I guess you already know that....since you walked by me on Friday...totally on purpose...and very not randomly.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

After my week long Obama-thon, I finally decided to return to the land of bla and check in with LC, Audy and Dumb-n-Dumber on The Hills.

During this ep, I experienced a broad range of emotional ups and downs: I laughed....I cried...I screamed, and finally, I stabbed myself in my motherfuckin eyeballs just to make it all stop.

Imagine having the following convo with one of your friends:

You:Yeah, so uhm...I'm thinking of quitting my job as a high paid NASA rocket scientist and going back to school to get my masters in poetry. The degree should only cost $150k or so and then I can be back in the job market! Poets are so happening right now. Also, uhm, I have about a millie to invest and I'm thinking of putting it all in sub-prime mortgages. I KNOW...everyone is dumping sub prime mortgages now, but that just means better deals pour moi! I'm goin all in, yo! Also, I think I'm gonna try smokin' crack tonight, cause like I've always really wanted to give it a whirl, ya know? I took my blood pressure pill this morn, so its all gonna be good in the hood.

Your Friend:Uhm, I'm not really sure that's such a good idea [insert your name]. I mean, things are pretty great for you now, and each of those ideas sounds stupider than the last.

You:Yeah, I know. I DO come up with great ideas, right!? I knew you'd support me.

Your Friend:[insert your name]! That's not what I said at all. You're making a huge mistake! Do not pass go, do not collect $200! You. Must. Chill.

You:I just knew you would be a friend for me! I'm so glad I decided to talk to you about all of this!

Right (now do you understand why LC has that fucking look on her face above?).

Ok, so the words might be a little different, but this *basically* sums up the convos that both Heidi AND Audy had at various points in the ep regarding the stupid, collosal mistakes they were each about to engage in.

Let's start with Heids. Her life as a fake event planner, finally caught up with her...and/or Brent Bolthouse woke up from his retarded dream that hooking his wagon to Heidi Montag was a smart thing to do. Bottom line: Heidi got fired after getting shitfaced at an event she was supposed to be running at some lame new LA hotspot. Also, she invited all her friends and encouraged them to get drunk too, and then to put a big fuckin cherry on the whole thing, she asked the owner of said lame LA hotspot if he wanted to do shots with her and her entire whack pack...or something like that.

The best part is, when Brent called her into his office the next day to confront her about her olympic-sized fuck up, she acted as if she didn't think it was a big deal. She was all "well, I just assumed that after I worked for a few mins, I deserved to unwind a bit with a Lemon Drop, 2 screwdrivers, a frozen margarita and 4 Jaeger shots. Was that not cool? [bat eyelashes]" And then Brent just stared at her for a minute and told her to pack up her shit. I am, obvs, convinced that this had a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y nothing to do with the fact that Heidi never really worked there in the first place....or that her fake employee status and her fake cubicle were taking up space in this dude's REAL office. The two are completely unrelated, of course.

Moving on to Audrina: after the totally touching and heart wrenchingly emotional speech that JustinBobby laid on Audrina last week (quick recap: "90% of my time with you is pretty right on. It's really good. When I think of you, I don't think of anything negative whatsoever.") [a tear slowly rolls down my cheek], Audy decided it was a super smart idea to just go out and buy a house (that she likely can't afford), pretty much with the sole purpose of having a space where her and JB could create their own love nest.

I'm not kidding people. Her Kat Von D wannabe tatooed sister Casey called her on it and she pretty much admitted as much.

Flash forward to Audy's convo with JB about their presumptive upcoming co-habitation, and yet again JustinBobarino let loose with a baseball diamond sized gem after Audrina threw the possibility out on the table: [gawd forgive me cause I'm on a bus down to DC and I stupidly didn't write this shit down before I left, but its something along the lines of...] "Maybe....you know what? Let it happen, and just see what happens."

[the eyeball stabbing kicked in somewhere right around here].

Ok, so not ex-zactly the response Audy was looking for, but since JustinBob-b0b-iran had that chip implanted in her brain awhile back that he controls with a switch on his bike, he just flipped it and: POW! She left feeling like things were GREAT! And finally moving forward! And that spending a million dollars on a house in order to make her doomed relationship work was a really great idea after awl! Yay!

Also, Lo was back...double yay! I've really come full circle with her ass in recent weeks...espesh since she reminded us all in this ep that SHE was the one who invented the JustinBobby nickname way back when. That's some good shit, Lo.

Yet again, LC was barely in the action at all. Except to pout about Audy's move, of course.

My Tivo cut out again a full 3 mins before the ep ended so I'm not sure if there was anything else. And I didn't see the previews for next week. No, this is not the first time, and no I have yet to fix this.

A. I'm fucking pissed at MTV for always having their shows so off schedule. And,B. I think I wear this badge of "I always miss the last few mins" as a possible sign that I am, in fact, making strives in my efforts to ban The Hills from my life once and 4 all. [ithinkican, ithinkican, YES WE CAN!].

Everyone has a right to be an idiot. Some people abuse the privilege --Joseph Stalin

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