stream of un/consciousness

Out of the corner of my eye I see my arm is long and defined, my skin smooth.

She touches my outstretched hand briefly. “Leg up!”

I wobble slightly. I frown in concentration and point my toes, my right leg stretched out behind me, balancing on my left foot. I smile just a little, aiming for nonchalance. But, inside…inside I am elated. Euphoric. I can feel my toes, the muscles in my calves flexing. I am looking down at bare feet. Veins, arches, long skinny toes. It is all me.

This isn’t possible.

But, I don’t care. I push aside logic, turn away from the sadness that looms near. I focus on what is in front of me. I am here. All of me is here.

In dreams, everything is possible.

Hours later, cup of coffee in hand I can’t shake this dream. I tell Scott about it and I’m back in time remembering dreams of running, taking stairs in twos and threes, energetic and invincible. I’d wake up dream fading, loss pinning me to my bed. Grief was at its most powerful in the mornings, only losing some of its grip as I got out of bed and began the day’s routine.

What is it about anything being possible in the dark? Before the night turns gray, as the sun rises, when the world is asleep, I believe.

Time is a reliable healer. After dreaming about a body I no longer have I didn’t wake up to a sucker punch in the gut. I didn’t lift the blankets and mourn over what wasn’t there. Now a dream like this is something to ponder. It’s a lesson hidden, awaiting my discovery.

My legs are returning to me in dreams, in life. Clinging to them are my beliefs. Prodigal son-like, bruised and weakened, they are coming home. My belief in what’s possible; my belief that the world is big enough to hold many dreams; my belief that failure isn’t the worst thing to ever happen to you, but a place to begin from, are alive. I may be shaky and trying to find my footing, but I can believe. In me.

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14 thoughts on “stream of un/consciousness”

This actually helps me put totally unrelated issues into perspective. There are certain things that I can’t change – things I can greive over (and have). But so much is possible, and believing that to be true is the first step in getting there.

i agree! beautiful writing. love this line: “What is it about anything being possible in the dark? Before the night turns gray, as the sun rises, when the world is asleep, I believe.” keep going! it’s going to make an amazing book someday.

Somehow – I can’t wrap my head around you thinking “failure”. You’ve not failed nor are you or were you, a failure. You are a triumphant success, an awe-inspiring case of mind over matter (combined with you do what you have to).

In dreams you can be whoever you want to be. The hardships you face in real life can disappear, and wishes can come true. The hard part is returning to reality.

Keep believing in yourself!

By the way, hi. I’m a new reader… Intenseguy pointed me in the direction of your blog. I’ve been reading your story, and I’d like to say that I think you’re an incredible, strong, and brave person. The things you’ve endured make my own hurdles seem so minute in comparison.

Isn’t it amazing that we have this whole extra dimension where we can work things through – in our dreams? A place where truly, anything is possible. When I sit with what I dream and the thoughts and emotions they evoke so vividly sometimes insights really do come that have not occurred to my waking mind. It’s a kind of magic. And I’m learning to trust it more.

You have expressed it so beautifully Heidi. Thank you. I needed to read this today.

Yes, it is a kind of magic. I’ve been seeing that lately. When I took that writing course this summer our professor spoke about our dream life quite a bit and it really stayed with me. I’m trying to pay more attention to it.

Heidi Cave

Author of Fancy Feet:

In 1998 Heidi Cave was an active young woman looking forward to all the possibilities life had to offer. That all changed when her car was struck by a reckless driver going more than 100km/hr (60 mph), which resulted in a fight for her life.

Heidi had a choice to make; was she going to be a victim -- or a survivor? read more