To be fair, for thousands of people it actually *was* today, given the catastrophic death count from the Battle of Winterfell. For the Dothraki, the Unsullied, the Knights of the Vale and other ragtag members of the Winterfell Massive, it wasn’t quite a perky occasion.

But still.

THE KING IS DEAD.

LONG LIVE…. THE QUEEEEEEEEEN!

Yes, in a metaphor for what Swedish teen Greta Thunberg is trying to do in real life, our own murder baby stuck the pointy end into Captain Climate Change himself.

Sure, the Night King was more a baby doomer than a baby boomer, but I’m sure he’s still the kind of guy who would bitch about young Westerosi people and their smashed avo toast while driving a 4WD he never even takes off-roading.

After all this time, he’s gone, and along with him the entire White Walker threat. The world, it seems, has been saved from never-ending winter. Memory and truth have been protected. Humanity has lived to see the light of dawn.

And yet, I HAVE A LOT OF F***ING QUESTIONS.

Why did the Dothraki charge the walking dead? Surely somebody could have worked out that was a terrible use of resources?

How did the resurrection in the crypt not claim more lives? Confined spaces and all that?

Where the hell was Bran when he was warging? We saw him disappear into ravens and/or crows - but then what?

What did the Night King really want anyway? Was there *any* deeper purpose beyond “f*** shit up just ‘cause”?

And most importantly...

HOW IN SEVEN FLIPPING FLAMES OF F*** DID SO MANY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS SURVIVE THAT NIGHTMARE?

But also…mark the survivors, many of whom were in real danger yet made it through: Grey Worm; Brienne; Jaime; Pod; Gendry; Sam Tarly; TORMUND GIANTSBANE?!?!

We were LUCKY, people. LUCKY.

Which means it’s either all over in terms of character stakes, or there are going to be some QUICK and CHEAP deaths in the final three episodes to shock us.

Now if super-tragic-show-fan-Mother-of-Kittens-me is reflecting on these questions, and the possibilities versus realities, I suspect there are going to be hundreds of book wonks and deep dive theorists upset that some of their more elaborate conspiracies didn’t pan out.

Or at least, didn’t pan out YET. Who knows, maybe Bran really WAS the Night King, and that final stare-off between them was Bran saying “It’s OK to die, I will carry on your work” and Bran will warg into Cersei and make her throw herself off the roof of the Red Keep...

My point is I understand if there is some frustration with this episode, particularly in the immediate aftermath, before we see what happens next.

The Big Bad has been conquered; surely that was all we were building towards?

I posit that yes, it was - but primarily for the North. For Jon Snow, the Night’s Watch, the Free Folk and Bran storylines were always intertwined with The Great War. Other plots/characters were folded in along the way - Melisandre, Daenarys, Tyrion, Jaime, and to a lesser degree Sansa and Arya (being Starks, they were always going to end up there, but had detours).

For the North, the war against the White Walkers was the alpha and omega.

For Cersei, bitch don’t give a shit. She ain’t never given a shit.

"And this is my sincere face."

While Jon was getting acquainted with shuffling undead zombies at Hardhome, she was getting in too deep with the mindless zealot zombies of the Faith Militant. Cersei’s focus has always been on the meat sack side of history. In fact the only bit of supernatural interference in Cersei’s life has been that damn Maggy the Frog prophecy about her kids all dying and being eventually offed by a younger brother.

And who even knows if Maggy the Frog was real; or just making stuff up like that dodgy tarot card reader I once got a free sitting with (I wouldn’t have done it if I’d had to pay, believe me), who made me draw three cards and told me “Looks like there are good things ahead for you” and hello, buddy, tell me something very specific about lottery numbers or winning horse names or what’s the point of you?

So for Cersei, and her related plotlines: the War of Five Kings; the internal bitchiness with the Tyrells; the Faith Militant; dealing with foolish allies like the Freys and Euron Greyjoy; making false promises to the Jon/Dany alliance; losing Jaime; her loosening grip on motherhood and subsequently her own humanity - all of that is very much of this earth.

Yes, the book series is called A Song of Ice and Fire, a more poetically fantastical title.

But the TV show is called Game of Thrones. And it looks like now The Great Game, NOT The Great War, was always what counted most.

Now this is all just a thought bubble I’ve blown out of the bucket of detergent that is my brain. I understand if some want to rant about the White Walker storyline not culminating in something… more. Indeed, as I said above, there’s a frustrating mystery to Night King and his goals that has me grinding my teeth like I’d grind Jon’s… nevermind.

Prussian military theorist Carl Von Clausewitz’s famous philosophy holds that war is the continuation of policy by other means. In the case of this show, perhaps it’s the other way around - that politics is the continuation of the war by other means.

Also, maybe we could just be happy that a sprawling battle meant there was absolutely no time for funny business between Jon and Dany, and you know I am always onboard them not getting onboard.

All right, let’s get on with the horrorshow.

S8E3: “The Long Night”

A long night indeed, with a running time of 82 minutes, making this the longest episode of Game of Thrones yet, and the longest battle sequence ever filmed. Pretty impressive stuff, and I want to start by acknowledging the crazy talents of the production team to make it happen. There have been complaints about the darkness of the fight scenes; again I can appreciate that, but there is no doubt this was a ballet of grim spectacle and a technical achievement that should win ALL the Emmys.

The highlight of course was Arya’s victorious ninja attack, which makes it hard to work out how to recap such a rapacious, rampaging battle when its final result was so remarkable.

I think, because of the breakneck speed of action, what follows is going to be part play-by-play commentary, part stream of consciousness, and part narration for the visually impaired. It may help to read it aloud in the voice of some frenetic meth-fuelled sportscaster.

Wish me good fortune in the battle recap to come.

~~~~~

Welcome to Winterfell and what looks like a perfect foggy, moonless night in which to launch a last-ditch defence of humanity.

In the pre-dawn, the Winterfell forces are readying their positions. Tyrion Lannister picks up a swag and heads to the crypts; Theon and the Ironborn push Bran to the Godswood past the courtyard caltrops.

Ser Davos Seaworth stalks the battlements, Sansa and Arya wait and watch. The air is quiet; even those dragons are keeping schtum.

The Unsullied stand as one, a world away from their origins as slave warriors in Essos, about to fight an enemy so different to what they would have expected from their training. Grey Worm is at the head; after fond talks of beach holidays with his best girl Missandei, he’s a big risk of falling on the field tonight.

The line-up for Team Winterfell continues to impress: Pod, commander Brienne, and new recruit Jaime Lannister on the left flank; the Hound joining Tormund and Beric on the front line; Sam Tarly squeezing his way forward to join Gendry and Dolorous Ed, who welcomes him with the episode’s apt first spoken words, “For f***’s sake.”

There’s a shot of an awkward Jon and Dany before they mount Drogon and Rhaegal (thankfully not each other, no time for love, Dr Jones) and fly off silently to a nearby bluff to watch the action below.

All are readying for the coin toss and kick-off.

But what’s this? Out of the gloom, a lone rider approaches the defensive position.

It’s KATE BUSH! The reclusive singer-songwriter hasn’t been seen since the beginning of season seven, working her contacts to bring Jon Snow and Daenarys Targaryen together as part of a Lord of Light brand merger initiative.

It’s unknown when the Red Woman transferred to Winterfell. It’s possible she’s a recent arrival; perhaps she’s been there for the pre-season, just camped out creepily in the snow drifts waiting for the right moment to sneak back into the team.

That right moment has now become a LIGHT moment, am I right listeners, as she’s had Ser Jorah instruct the Dothraki to raise their arakhs, over which she casts a spell and sets them all ablaze.

Ser Jorah of course is playing this match with Heartsbane, the Tarly family’s Valyrian steel sword, so even though his weapon doesn’t light up (saddening some fans of the long odds Ser Jorah-is-Azor-Ahai bet), he doesn’t need it to play ball here tonight.

It’s a beautiful sight as the flames travel across the Dothraki horde, giving us a moment of sparkling visibility into what is otherwise going to be an exercise in squinting through the darkness to follow the action.

Melisandre approaches the gates; taking particular note of Arya Stark on the battlements. The Red Priestess’ record with young women is not great; we all remember that unnecessary and frankly dispiriting play she pulled on Shireen Baratheon before Stannis’ campaign for the Iron Throne collapsed more heavily than the Australian cricket team’s batting order against Pakistan.

Ser Davos Seaworth is not happy to see Melisandre, but she assures him he will not need to silence her beautiful soprano voice tonight as she’ll be dead in just a matter of hours. Now generally you want to take a positive mental approach into a battle, but clearly Kate Bush is walking to the beat of her own 80s-style synthesiser.

It’s time for the Dothraki to begin play, and in a mighty show of power, the entire mass of Screamers pushes forward in tight formation into the darkness. Ser Jorah is up there, along with Ghost, but it’s not long before we start seeing those flaming arakhs extinguished. It’s like the crowd waving lighters at the Rolling Stones at Altamont in ‘69, with the wights playing the part of the Hell’s Angels.

Now one would think a team captain such as Daenarys Targaryen might have anticipated her loyal bloodriders would be wiped out by the zombies, but as stragglers and horses and Ser Jorah Mormont return to the main army, she gets angry and decides to bring forward her showstopper move.

“The Night King is coming,” Jon Snow tells her. “The dead are already here,” she fires back, before firing up Drogon into attack mode. Not to be left behind, the greenhorn dragonrider Jon mounts Rhaegal, and it’s all a bit Daddy issues considering that dragon was named after Jon’s real Dad, and he’s switched from his typical on-foot, front-of-the-action Stark combat style to an airborn Targaryen assault.

Back on the ground, consistent performer Grey Worm is at the head of the Unsullied as they face a sweeping tsunami of the undead opposition that truly is a sight to be seen - if in fact you can see it due to everyone wearing black uniforms for heritage round.

Tormund “Flame-haired Angel Man” Giantsbane only gets a glimpse of the wave before it slams into him; something he no doubt wishes Brienne would do, if she wasn’t busy calling on her forces to stand their ground against the wight-wing attack.

Ser Beric Dondarrion is in there with his own flaming sword; and despite his hand-icap, Jaime Lannister manages an impressive early rescue of his commander Brienne.

Annnnnd here comes Drogon!

That familiar stirring music swells and Dany has Drogon strafe the front lines, with Jon following behind on Rhaegal in a beautiful sweeping double strike.

Jon spies the White Walker generals at the back of the Wight army and drops Rhaegal into a quick descent, but is caught up by a sudden roll in of a mist more disorientating than Lynx body spray.

Up on the battlements, Arya and Sansa are much impressed by seeing the dragons’ mouth-iwork for the first time. Arya knows her call-up is coming, so she orders Sansa to the dugout (aka the crypts), hands her a dragonglass dagger, and advises her sister to “stick ‘em with the pointy end”. It’s a classic callback, perfectly timed, another hallmark of this great series.

Let’s take a look at the battle cam: as Dany’s fire eases off temporarily, we can see Brienne, Jaime, Tormund, Pod, Gendry, the Hound and Ser Jorah still in the game, albeit covered by a fine sheen of falling ash.

To everyone’s surprise, rookie reserve Sam Tarly is still standing, managing a few points here and there. Longtime teammate Dolorous Edd saves him from a forward strike and makes him get back on his feet; only to be stabbed through the heart and crash out of contention.

VALE, DOLOROUS EDD.

Jon is struggling to get Rhaegal out of the mist, but is almost taken out by Dany herself, as the two dragons slam into each other over a forest. On a personal note, friends, I for one am glad it was just the dragons banging into each other, but back to the action.

Tormund is first to call for the home side to fall back; he’s backed up by Brienne, and Lyanna Mormont orders the gates opened.

Grey Worm orders the Unsullied to protect the retreat, and columns of fighters with no need for jockstraps form up block by block in a strong rearguard action.

The scrappers flood back into the castle as the wights continue to fling themselves onto the Unsullied’s spears. Brienne, Jaime, Tormund, Pod, Gendry, Beric and Sam are still in play; and Arya Stark puts her dog in the fight, firing a flaming arrow into a wight threatening the Hound.

The Unsullied also begin to retreat, but after reaching the gates Grey Worm can see there’s only so much his men will be able to achieve against the onslaught of the undead. He calls for the trench dug in around the castle walls to be lit.

This is it: Ser Davos’ one job. Becoming Winterfell’s air traffic controller, he waves flaming torches to indicate to Dany that now would be a great time for Drogon to give them all a light.

But oh no! Dany can’t see! Her head is too far in the clouds!

Jon is no use; he’s already landed Rhaegal on the walls of the Godswood after losing Dany in the literal fog of war.

Archers and foot soldiers are deployed to light the trench, but it’s either too cold for the wood to burn, or they get tackled by wights before getting their torch over the line.

Enter once more Melisandre, helped by Grey Worm and the Unsullied, who form a scrum to protect her. She repeats her earlier incantation to create another in-FLAME-mation, am I right friends, setting the caltrops alight in the nick of time before the wight buzzers blow. You’ve got to have a lot of faith to be an elite acolyte, but you’ve also got to have a lot of faith… in yourself.

The trenches are blazing like college kids on April 20, which is good news for everyone except the Hound, whose lifelong fear of fire sees him quit the field, much to Ser Beric’s chagrin.

~~~CRYPT CAM~~~

It’s hard to be on the sidelines during a championship game, and being stuck in a subterranean gravesite with a crying baby has got to hurt. Tyrion may be a Most Valuable Thinker, but he’s convinced he would be of assistance as a battle commander. To be fair, he may be right - so far the tactics used on ground level would make Sun Tzu blush.

Varys gives him a verbal slap down, saying he was lucky at the Battle of Blackwater Bay, that’s all. It’s Sansa who delivers the truth bomb - they’re all useless. The most heroic thing all those out-of-condition “normal people” can do is accept their fundamental inability to contribute to their side’s prospects of victory and wait for death looking tense but dignified.

Where Tyrion does have a win is in Sansa’s declaration that he was the best of the men she was either married or betrothed to. Being better than Joffrey or Ramsay? A low bar, but still an important one to have jumped.

Sansa tells Tyrion it wouldn’t have worked between them; Tyrion seems disappointed by her certainty. “The Dragon Queen,” is her explanation. An alliance with Sansa would divide Tyrion’s loyalties and become a problem for Dany. Interesting that Sansa should mention such a thing at such a time - she’s indicating their teamwork is purely for this match, and she will be pursuing an independent Norths home ground should the odds be ever in their favour.

Missandei gets her one slam dunk of the evening when she claps back at Sansa dissing her girl boss Dany, saying without the Dragon Queen, none of you useless also-rans would even be alive to bitch about divided loyalties. After two episodes of being stared at like some sort of terrifying alien, no wonder she was ready to give some white people a Narth Maul.

To the Godswood.

Theon Greyjoy and Team Kraken have been keeping a close ear on the action. Theon knows with the trench lit, the game will come to them before long. He takes a quick time out to let Bran know how sorry he is about his earlier defection from Team Stark; but Bran is magnanimous in creepiness, and tells him everything he did led him back to his home stadium, so it’s all good. The message here is that they’re a team, they’ll stick together, they’ll have each other’s backs.

Annnnnnnd Bran is OUTTA THERE.

“I’m going to go now,” he says, and wargs for the first time in what seems like a long time. He takes over control of a bunch of ravens and/or crows, who flap up and over the battle scene and castle, flying south until they find...yes, it’s the Night King on Viserion!

Here he is, Captain of the Undead, Chief White Walker, The Icy General, Mr Freeze - finally off the bench and into the sky.

Despite his relatively long distance from the action, NK flexes his frigid fingers (watch out, fellas, there are kids listening!) to inflict his first intervention of the match.

The wights have come to a standstill in front of the burning caltrops, a massed pile of unthinking, unfeeling menaces to society, sounds much like the current government, am I right, friends?

One by one they start throwing themselves onto the fire, slowly building a body pile to extinguish part of the fire. It’s kind of like that M. Night Shyamalan film “The Happening”, where trees go mad and make people kill themselves, except this isn’t completely shit.

So after some setbacks in the form of being savaged by dragonfire, the wights have literally built a bridge and got over it, ha ha, can you believe it, Winterfell’s not the only thing on fire here tonight, friends.

Ser Davos gives the signal to man the walls, as the game moves into its second phase - attacking and breaching the castle walls.

Jaime, Brienne, Pod, Tormund, Gendry, Grey Worm and Jorah all make for the battlements as archers ready their bows.

A World War Z-style zombie pyramid begins forming against the stone walls, with wights proving themselves pretty well adept at climbing for creatures with not much muscle tone left. One wonders how they’ve been working out enough, but clearly the NK has access to a bunch of ‘roids. That kind of drug abuse is normally frowned upon in the world of high sports, but we all know Mr Freeze is the Lance Armstrong of the fantasy world.

Speaking of which, Mr Diestrong is spotted by Jon Snow, who nudges Rhaegal back into the air.

There’s much effusion of blood as our A-Team slam their swords, spears and axes into the climbing vine of zombastardry.

If we take in the wide shots, that is only absolutely f***ing terrifying image there of the onslaught.

Clearly it’s too much for our home side, and the opposition start penetrating gaps in the defences, spilling into the castle proper.

There’s some beautiful paired fighting between Brienne and Jaime, both saving each other from wights in quick succession. Sam Tarly is clearly wearing a magic wightproof vest as he is plucked once more to safety by veteran forward Ser Jorah Mormont.

The dragonglass caltrops work well as the wights spread into Winterfell like that STD I picked up after last year’s Mad Monday, but it’s a sheer numbers game at this point and those wights have a real advantage in being able to throw themselves several metres to the ground and just get back up again like Ben Cousins pre-rehab. And post-rehab, come to think of it.

Now you might be asking, where in all of this is valuable running back The Hound? Well, as is so often the case in these major events, panic has got the best of him, and he’s quietly freaking out in a corner.

Nevermind that now though because HERE COMES ARYA STARK!

Yes, the Diminuitive Despoiler has fired new energy into the game, using her recently-acquired new bit of kit to slice and dice her way through the wights on the wall.

The Hound is still freaking out like Cougar at the start of Top Gun, unable to get back in the game due to anxiety. Beric tries to coach him out, saying they need him, but the Hound is fairly confident they’re all just f***ed at this stage.

“Tell her that!” Beric roars, pointing at Arya who has just barrel-rolled down a staircase full of bodies then thrown herself onto a canopy to escape the undead.

ENGAGE HOUND PROTECTIVE MODE! Nicely done, Beric, just the right amount of pressure at the right time, and Hound is back in the game, dashing off to help Arya.

It’s sad to see former Team Life hero Stampy the Giant, aka Wan Wan, burst into Winterfell as a zombified nightmare tower. The last time he did that was to help finish off Ramsay Bolton at the Battle of the Bastards, before dying heroically. You would have thought somebody would have burned his body, but apparently not.

It’s up to little Lyanna Mormont to stand and face this walking Eiffel Tower of Ewww, and boy, can the girl scream a battle cry more fiercely than Mel Gibson in Braveheart. The Not Friendly Giant picks her up, squeezing her tiny body, and makes to bite her head off like she was a stick of kebab.

AND SHE HAS GOT THE BLADE OUT! With one last elemental scream, the Little Bear thrusts her dagger right in the giant’s eye, totally Cyclopsing him to death.

VALE, LYANNA MORMONT.

Let’s check in on our airborne battalion. Jon and Dany are trying to flush out the Night King, but the stealth creeper jumps them first, chasing Dany down with Viserion’s hot blue fire. Just as quickly, he’s gone again, leaving Jon and Dany to nosedive to try to catch him.

Arya Stark is inside the castle now, bleeding from the face, making her way into the library for a quick break and perhaps a Gatorade bath. But there’s no time, as somehow a bunch of wights have found themselves in there, possibly looking for self-care and wellness tips now their flesh has rotted away.

It’s interesting to note the use of sound, particularly the lack of sound, in this sequence. It highlights in case we’d forgotten that Arya, like the worst kind of flatulence, is both silent and deadly.

Only the sound of blood dripping from her forehead onto the stone floor alerts a wight, but before it can grab her, she’s gone again. She does the old dropped-book-switcheroo, before silently dispatching a lady wight through the jaw on her way out.

It’s looking like a clean escape, until a nearby door breaks under a wight onslaught, followed swiftly by a similar action out of the room behind her. We leave Arya for the moment running through the corridors for her life.

The Hound and Beric search the corridors for Arya; she eventually appears through a door with a wight bearing down. Beric throws his flaming sword into the wight, and the Hound grabs Arya and runs. The pair smack down wights as they go, with Beric under siege behind them, but ordering them to keep going.

And BERIC IS DOWN! Stabbed multiple times by a group of zombies, he still manages to stumble into a hall behind the Hound and Arya. With no Thoros of Myr around, Beric is done for. Arya, who once put him on her kill list, is now saddened by his loss.

VALE LORD BERIC DONDARRION.

But there’s no time for black armbands right now, as Arya has someone to meet.

That’s right, Kate Bush has returned for the reunion she once told Arya they would have. “Here we are, at the end of the world”.

With the Hound watching on carefully (one might even call him “The Man with the Child in His Eyes”), Arya informs Melisandre that she was right when predicted Arya would close many eyes forever.

With an encouraging nod, Melisandre repeats “brown eyes, green eyes...and blue eyes”, and Arya’s own peepers show a glimmer of recognition. As the wights start to bash down the door, Melisandre whispers to her a maxim she learned long ago.

“What do we say to the God of Death?”

“Not today.”

ARYA IS ON THE MOVE. REPEAT, ARYA IS ON THE MOVE.

In the Godswood, Theon orders his Ironborn to “make every shot count” as the wights approach.

Overhead, the Night King fangs it towards the North Gate, letting Viserion rip through the stone with his mouth fireworks.

Then BANG! Jon Snow on Rhaegal sideswipes Viserion, obviously having learned a lesson on timing from Tormund’s hug last episode.

The two get locked in a midair dogfight not unlike Maverick and Goose and those MiGs in the aforementioned Top Gun.

"The G-forces, the G-forces!"

Jon is having a hard time hanging on, and it’s a real shame he didn’t think to invent some sort of rope harness to help him stay onboard Rhaegal. Thankfully, Dany barges in and forces the Night King off Viserion. He falls, every so gracefully backwards, into the cloud below, his icy spear besides him.

But the damage has been done to Rhaegal, and the big lad crash lands into the snow outside the castle walls. He doesn’t seem to be dead; perhaps just concussed. The team doctor will be called for a full evaluation.

Annnnnnnd it’s on - Dany spies the Night King alive (a-dead?) and well, standing on the ground below her. She issues a firm “Dracarys” to Drogon, who proceeds to roast the frosted miscreant like single origin coffee beans.

Turns out the Night King is 85 per cent asbestos, and the flames have no effect on him, answering everyone’s question last week at the battle planning session as to whether dragonfire can kill White Walkers.

The dude is more smug than Donald Trump post-Mueller-report, and reaches for his javelin to throw at Drogon. Dany manages to weave to the side and retreat; but the Night King doesn’t seem to care. He sets off towards the castle, likely in search of Bran, his intended target.

Over to Jon Snow, who’s drawn his Longclaw, ooer, am I right friends, and begun running down Napoleon Chill-to-the-Bonaparte.

Now I don’t like to say that Jon Snow sometimes acts impetuously, without a full contemplation of likely outcomes against enemies he’s met before on the field of battle.

Perhaps he suffered a slight brain injury in the fall off Rhaegal, and that has elevated his heart rate and resulted in a somewhat rash decision to go charging into a field of bodies near a creature well regarded for bringing bodies back into operation. Perhaps he felt this was his best chance of engaging with the NK one-on-one, his Valyrian steel sword now key to victory.

Even when he sees the Night King turn and begin his trademark “Come at me bro” Evil Jesus manoeuvre, he doubles down, breaking into a sprint to try to close the gap between him and the goal posts.

But it’s no use, with wights - including many freshly killed Unsullied, Stark and Arryn knights - surrounding him about ten metres from the scoreline. One of them is in fact Dolorous Edd, who was most insistent his body be burned if he bought it. Sadly there was no time.

Inside the castle walls too, there is a great sense of “Ohhhhh, get FARRRRRRRRKED” as the small advantage the A-Team had started to build was kicked into kingdom come by the resurrection of everyone just dead, including sweet Lyanna Mormont, and the march through the gates of the White Walker generals.

~~~CRYPT CAM~~~

It was a big question ahead of this game - would the Night King recruit more dead from the Winterfell crypts? Surely there had been too many comments about it being “the safest place” in the castle for it to be any more secure than a rugby league player’s pants after two drinks.

Gilly’s the first to find out, turning around to see, oh yes, a bony hand burst through a sarcophagus. Now once again, it’s not entirely clear how a long dead collection of bones has the strength to punch through a stone coffin, but magic is once again happening on the field and off here tonight.

Everyone seems to react far too slowly, which I guess makes sense if you were new to the phenomenon of The Walking Dead, which is fair as this is HBO and that show’s on rival network AMC.

Eventually Tyrion calls on the crypt crew to run, but not before a victim is claimed and dragged out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the Godswood, Theon is gradually losing all of his Ironborn to wights, while Bran is who the f*** knows where.

Jon is saved from certain death by Daenarys, who clears a path through the opposition with fire, and orders him to go to Bran.

Now if Dany were so inclined, she totally could have let Jon buy the farm at that moment, slyly getting rid of a rival to the Iron Throne in such a way that no one would call the umpire over.

But for all her faults, Dany is not a cold-blooded killer like Cersei, and I do believe she loves Jon and would hopefully try to work things out in a way that would be favourable to her, but not hurt him too much. If nothing else, she’s smart enough to realise at this moment they’re on the same side, and Jon Snow alive is still more valuable than Jon Snow dead.

Sadly, she’s not watching her tail, and wights start piling on to Drogon’s back and sides like flies on a sheep’s dag. He manages to shake a few off, but in the confusion Dany slips off and falls onto the ground. Drogon takes to the skies in pain, yelping as he attempts to flick the wights off, giving the impression of a very large dog after an unwanted bath.

Jon’s inside the castle now, with bodies and balconies falling around him. Tormund is there, slashing away, seemingly untroubled by the never-ending mass of death coming for him. All that giant’s milk has done wonders for his stamina, and no doubt there’s a team sponsorship deal waiting to happen.

Jon also has to walk past Sam Tarly in a seriously dangerous position - you can see Jon wants to help his friend, but has got his radar set on Bran and cannot diverge from the plan.

Grey Worm is still in the game; Brienne is still in the game.

Theon is still in the Godswood game, but rapidly running out of Ironborn and flaming arrows.

Bran “Three-Eyed Raven” Stark is still who the f*** knows where.

Outside, Jorah and Dany are still in the game, Dany picking up a dragonglass sword in an attempt to help her main man out.

~~~CRYPT CAM~~~

It’s chaos down here, with God knows how many long-dead Starks coming back for another bite at life.

Tyrion and Sansa are hiding behind a sepulchre, trading deep and meaningful looks as their peers are brutally slaughtered behind them. Tyrion even kisses Sansa’s hand in a gesture of affection and protection. Facing imminent death is always a good time to put past enmity aside. Perhaps that's what The Don and Douglas Jardine needed after Bodyline. Topical sporting reference.

"It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Viserion lands on the battlements and proceeds to make like Jim Morrison and trash Winterfell like a hotel room.

Dany and Jorah are still holding off the hordes outside, barely. Theon stands by Bran, fighting by hand now.

It’s unmitigated chaos; no direction, no group plan, just sheer fight or be killed adrenaline.

The music’s turned all somber and muted, the screams muffled and echo-y, always a good sign we’re reaching peak despair in a match. All that has to happen now is a move to slow-motion and we know we’re at the endgame.

Annnnnnnd here comes the slow motion.

The Night King strides into the Godswood like a villain in a western; this town ain’t big enough for the both of them.

Theon brings down wight after wight, until eventually they all stop moving in on him, and the circle opens to let the Night King and Entourage approach.

Bran returns to the present to give Theon a message, an absolution, knowing what Theon is about to do:

“You are a good man. Thank you.”

Once, Theon saved Bran from a wildling by shooting him down with his bow. Now, he takes up a spear to try to defend the little lord once more. He charges at the Night King, hollering in pain and anger and grief and regret and a small measure of peace that this is him done, that he can be both a Stark and a Greyjoy, and that he has proven it now.

The Night King seizes his spear, snaps it, and drives half of it through Theon’s middle. The last son of Balon Greyjoy, famous rebel against the Starks, dies on Stark soil.

VALE, THEON GREYJOY.

Jon’s way to the Godswood is still blocked by Viserion, and the one-time King in the North is almost on the verge of losing hope, as every attempt to push forward sees him take cover amidst piles of bodies.

Jorah is taking hit after hit for Dany, and still getting back up, each and every time. There is nothing to do but get back up, and back up, and back up, for his Khaleesi. Long has his personal love for Dany transformed into something higher, more pure - an intense desire to protect her life beyond the boundaries of normal ability.

The Night King stands over Bran, and finally Bran has met his match in terms of intense staring capability. There’s some sort of non-verbal communication between them - the NK tilts his head at one point. Is he gloating? Or recognising something in Bran? Either way, he reaches back for his sword - just as a wisp of air catches one of his general’s hair.

Jon tries one last time to get past Viserion; summoning all his strength, all he can do is let out a primordial scream.

The Night King’s arm is lifting his sword.

Behind him, out of the gloom, from nowhere, comes ARYA STARK.

He flips, grabs her by the throat. In pain, she releases her left hand, her dominant hand, in which she’s holding Catspaw, her Valyrian steel dagger. There’s a song of steel on the wind as it drops into her free right hand, a bait and switch move similar to one we saw her pull on Brienne when they sparred together.

Arya takes a breath and uses her last remaining strength to plunge Catspaw into the Night King’s gut.

He shatters, he shatters!

What a finishing move by Arya Stark.

The dagger once used to attempt to kill Bran, has now been used to save him.

A dagger that Bran handed Arya when they reunited, as it was of no use to him. Now we know why.

The White Walker generals follow suit in an explosion of ice shards.

The wights begin collapsing all around the castle.

Viserion roars one final time and falls.

The wave of wight death spreads out of the castle into the battle scene.

They fall in front of Ser Jorah, no more bad guys to shield Daenarys from.

Immediately, he hits his knees, overcome.

Dany cradles him as the last Bear takes his last breaths. He struggles to say something, but fails. All energy is gone now, only love remains, and that is eternal.

Dany cries, and Drogon lands behind her, wrapping his wings around her in protection and sorrow as she marks the death of her longest-serving, most loyal and most brave adviser.

VALE SER JORAH MORMONT.

In the courtyard, Grey Worm, Tormund, Gendry, Pod, Jaime and Brienne are still alive.

In the crypts, Tyrion, Sansa, Varys, Missandei, Gilly and Baby Sam are still alive.

Out of the corridors, the Hound, Davos and Melisandre are still alive.

As dawn breaks on the horizon, the Red Woman strides out amidst mountains of bodies, pulling the red stone necklace from around her neck. It falls to the ground, and the light in the stone fades.

She walks out to where there is no more death, shrugging off her rich robes to reveal her true self, aged, broken with white hair. It is time to die.

The sequence is Arthurian in its majesty - Morgan La Fey taking herself out to Avalon.

Game over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I’m exhausted, and I didn’t even fight in that thing.

Some key conclusions:

We probably should have lost a few more of the A-Team: Jaime, Brienne, Tormund, Gendry, Grey Worm, Pod, Missandei all survived. Surely not all of them will make it through the final three episodes alive?

I’m keen to see if anything further develops between Sansa and Tyrion after their sweet moments together in the crypts.

My expectation/longtime personal fantasy scenario that Jon Snow would face down the Night King in an epic sword battle was flipped totally on its head. Jon was essentially neutered in the fight by the sheer weight of enemies blocking his way to the Godswood. I was thrilled to have my predictions pulled out from under me. Oh, if only I could pull Jon Snow from out under me…

For those pondering how Arya made it past all those White Walkers and wights to get to the Night King, remember her key stealth skills were brilliantly set up in the library sequence. She was trained by Syrio Forel to chase cats, and learned how they moved without noise. Don’t think it wasn’t poetic justice too that she used Catspaw to kill the Night King. As the Mother of Kittens, this is a brilliant victory for all cat lovers.

The Azor Ahai prophecy is either all fancy bullshit fairy stories - or at least doesn’t apply to Arya. Arya is a highly trained assassin protecting her brother and home. That’s what gave her strength; not some mystical “princess who was promised” narrative. If Azor Ahai is still something to be dealt with in the show, it’s entirely related to Jon, Daenarys, and their relationship to each other and the Iron Throne.

Follow-up point - the fall out from Jon’s true origin story hasn’t even begin to hit yet.

I'm keen to find out what the hell Bran was doing while warging, and whether there's any further backstory to the Night King, the White Walkers, the spirals, the dismemberments... surely there is stuff he can tell us?

And most of all…

The Night King may have been an unknowable supernatural force of evil with the ability to raise the dead and cause untold destruction… but the real villain is still Cersei F***ing Lannister. And I could not be more delighted.

"It's a nice day for murder. But then, that's all days."

Yay! Best Moments

Arya Stark, obvs

Zing! Best Lines

For an episode very light on humour, Varys came through with some existential drollery:

"At least we're already in a crypt."

Eww, gross

Everything was horrific and full on about this battle, but nothing super gross, you know? More just intense violence, not creepiness. This category was dominated by Littlefinger, and since his demise we’ve been bereft of truly skin-crawling moments.

Boo, sucks

Losing some dear favourites was always going to hurt, but there was a certain triumph to all of them. They all got a moment, and we farewell them with pride, not the horror we did with Ned Stark or Robb Stark or Oberyn Martell, whose journeys were cut short.

To finish this recap, let’s have a celebratory song, to honour the memory of one in particular: Ser Jorah Mormont.

Beloved readers, thank you so much for your patience as I got this epic blow-by-blow recap done - I will have to check numbers but I believe this is my longest one yet. I probably need to learn how to edit.

If you'd like to join my Patreon, you can click here to sign up. There are some tiers you can join, but honestly, I am just grateful that people read and enjoy my recaps. Throwing me cash is the cherry on top.

6 Responses to ‘GoT Raven On Recap: S8E3 "The Long Night"’

Posted May 1

Holy hell that was an epic recap for an epic episode, well done MoK, this kitten salutes you!

I am very upset about Lyanna Mormont but damn she went out like the absolute badass that we all knew her to be, and I can’t help but respect the writers for that.

Am I the only person suddenly shipping Sansa and Tyrion? Their interactions in the crypts were a highlight, especially the moment when Sansa pulls her dagger out and you don’t know if they’re contemplating a suicide pact or getting ready to defend themselves. Some top acting from Sophie Turner and Peter Dinklage there.

I honestly spent most of the battle going “WHERE IS TORMUND, IS HE OK?” Then sighing in relief when he popped up in the next shot, then panicking again when I lost him. I still can’t believe how Greyworm, Pod and Sam survived, I was convinced he was a goner when Jon had to choose between saving him or getting to Bran, and chose Bran. I’m very grateful that Jaime, Brienne and Tormund survived, I was prepared for deep seated trauma watching favourites die this week and almost feel cheated that it didn’t happen (not complaining mind you, but now I feel like I have to brace myself all over again in the coming weeks).

And YAAAS QUEEN to our girl Arya, I can add nothing to her ninja badassery but my everlasting love and admiration.

Bondiboy66 mumbles...

Posted May 3

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Posted May 2

Brilliant work as you requested I wished you good fortune as you requested but you didn't need it, your recap is amazing. As someone who saves up the series to binge watch I find your recaps the best for making me feel like I am watching it, though I think I am laughing more than I will when I watch the episodes.

bay boomer, baby doomer is worth the cost of admission.

What I am most looking forward to is when the rebel alliance kicks Darth Cersei's arse and urine Greyjoy has to flee back to the Iron Islands to find Yara Greyjoy siting on the Salt Throne waiting for him. The look on her face is what I am waiting to see.

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This was probably really funny but I think the contrast on my laptop is dodgy cause I couldn't read any of it.....

Sorry in joke there... Its great - between this, Gay of Thrones and the actual making of vids HBO put up, which usually show how much effort they put into a practical effect where as Marvel would have completely CGI'd it - like Barns I really feel my viewing experience is enhanced.

Sure, the imminent demise of the entire North is upon us, Bran “Three-Eyed Raven” Stark is about to play Captain Catfish in the Tinderfell Godswood and forget Mance Rayder, Arya Stark just lit THE BIGGEST FIRE THE NORTH HAS EVER SEEN, but wowsers, that in-the-nick-o-time confession from Jon Snow that threw Dany almost to The Wall itself made for buttock-clenching viewing.

I mean, sure, Jon could have just LIED and held off telling the truth until AFTER the carnage. He had been slightly avoiding Dany for most of the episode anyway, and why not just see how the ultimate boss battle plays out first? No need to distract Dany’s focus when we all need her and her dragons at Peak Barbeque Readiness.

But as we know from the Dragon Pits last season, Jon Snow is the Al Gore of Westeros - full of inconvenient truths. It’s never been My Beloved’s style to be backwards in coming honorably forwards, even when, let’s face it, his timing could be better. Except for me, who thinks it’s perfect, because there’s nothing less of a turn-on than finding out not only your bed-buddy is your nephew but has a better claim to Your Iron Throne than you do.

"I have chosen... poorly."

Did you notice? Yes, that’s right. I said it. MY BELOVED. Welcome back.

NOW, YOU STAY ALIVE. NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, I WILL FIND YOU.

Sorry, I just came over all Last of the Mohicans there, which was sort of the Taken of the early 90s with longer hairdos.

Gosh, imagine if you’d never read a Raven On recap before. You’d think I was entirely mad.

Imagine if you HAD read a Raven On recap before. You’d think I was entirely mad.

But mad is as mad does, and we’re going to start this week’s rocking Raven On recap with some MAD DANCE TUNES.

All hail the Homecoming, for it is Queen Bey we bow to, as we praise our favourite Men of Westeros.

Up in the crypt, feeling whippedFrom trying to save WinterfellWell, I got the blues, but you gonna bruise'Cause another brother broke the spellLyanna Stark, her story arcBreaks with normal conventionShe cried her tears, but faced her fearsYou can’t be mad at me

'Cause Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on itRhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on itDon’t be mad ‘cause your face has got Aegon itWesteros, well I should be the king of itWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh'Cause Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on itRhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on itDon’t be mad ‘cause your face has got Aegon itWesteros, well I should be the king of it

I got milk on my lips, an axe on my hipsThere’s a giant running through my genesKissed by fire, my one desireThe Big Woman to notice meJaime’s decision, did I mention?Don’t give me apprehension’Cause I applaudedWhen she got laudedAnd I really think she loves me beardy

'Cause if you like it, then get Pod to sing on itIf you like it, then get Pod to sing on itWe’re gonna live so she’ll have my offspring on itCome on Pod, why don’t you just sing on itWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh'Cause if you like it, then get Pod to sing on itIf you like it, then get Pod to sing on itWe’re gonna live so she’ll have my offspring on itCome on Pod, why don’t you just sing on itWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Don't treat me like I’m wearing skirts that twirlI’m not that kind of girlYour love is what I prefer, as much as murderBefore death comes to take you, I shall shake youAnd deliver you to your destiny, thanks for my new magic wandPetite mort we now danceSay, you’re still wearing pantsI swear I’ll use no leechesIf you just ditch your breeches

'Cause Rhaegar liked her and he really put a ring on it‘Cause my origin has got quite a sting on itDany’s mad ‘cause her face has got Aegon itBut Westeros, well, I should be the king of itWhoa, oh, oh, oh‘Cause Jaime knights her and her smile’s all bling on itFight’s a-coming and Pod will sing on itThe God of Death says might as well fling on itGendry made a weapon now go swing on itWhoa, oh, oh

And that’s all without mentioning Señor Narrativa de Redención himself, Jaime Lannister, who demands a few thirst-quenchers in his own right.

S8E2: A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms

I know I began with a fair bit of fan fanfare, but this episode could also be called “All Quiet on the Winterfell Front”. It’s a pre-war war movie, in which people made up for quarrels that seem so remote now, talk about hopes for a future they will (gulp) likely not have, and say their farewells to loved ones without ever actually using the phrase “goodbye”.

So yeah, Cersei’s non-existent elephant in the room is... not *that* much happened.

But dammmmmnnnnn, we are going to get slammmmmmmmed with death next week. I hate the thought of it, but they prepped us good and hard. Tyrion, Tormund, Beric, The Hound and Arya were just some of our favourites to ruminate about impending doom. So for gods’ sake, let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings, at least until The Hound threatens to throw us off the f***ing battlements. Next week we’ll get plenty of action.

Oh wait…

All in good time, all in good red-hot-Gendrya-hook-up time.

For now, let us muse on the line that Tyrion says to Jaime midway through the episode: “The perils of self-betterment”. This for me carries through for all of our characters; from often murky, self-serving and/or treacherous beginnings, they forged alliances, learned from mistakes and now stand at the edge of the world ready to die. Becoming a better person might give you a moral salve, but as Tyrion further remarks, you might end up being torn apart by dead men for your troubles.

Someone who may be in need of rapid personal growth is Daenarys Targaryen.

She begins this episode as she ends it: PISSED. OFF.

Jaime Lannister is responsible for the death of her father and numerous other crimes Daenarys would consider treason. Now he’s brought the news his one-time lover/close genetic relative Darth Cersei has given them a bigger royal brush-off than Megan Markle’s Dad. There ain’t no Lannister forces coming to help fight the army of the dead; just one man with one hand.

He's not even this useful.

Tyrion pleads on his brother’s behalf, but given Jaime’s history with the Starks, it’s no surprise Sansa is onboard with Dany’s plan to hobble the Kingslayer permanently. It’s only when the GLORIOUS WONDER that is Brienne of Tarth gets up to defend him, that Dany finds herself on the outer.

Brienne describes Jaime as a “man of honour” - a touching callback to the time in the Harrenhal bathtub when she called him out as a “man without honour” before he explained the tragic events leading up to his king-slaying moment, and their whole relationship began to change.

Sansa trusts Brienne, and so if she vouches for Jaime, that’s good enough for her. Jon Snow, ever practical, only cares about the body count that can help reduce the body count.

(Sidebar: it’s interesting that Jon and Sansa seem to have reconciled titles for the moment; he is the Warden of the North and she is the Lady of Winterfell. Every kid gets a prize!)

Jaime looks rather adoringly at Brienne, and with good reason. He later says he used to be Tyrion’s only friend; in fact, Jaime didn’t really have a non-related friend either, until Brienne. Brienne though, keeps her gaze firmly on Dany and Sansa; if she were to look at Jaime who knows what OUTPOURINGS OF LOVE might spill forth. Actually, there probably wouldn’t be anything, just more repression. Brienne is at such Jane Austen levels of broody we may as well dub her Mr Tarthy.

There’s a moment when Bran chirps up with the old “The things we do for love” rejoinder, which floors Jaime, but which everyone else seems to treat like Bran’s attempt to start a 10cc karaoke singalong and ignores.

Dany is forced to accept Jaime’s heartfelt apology and pledge to fight on the side of the living. Tyrion breathes a sigh of relief, and with not much of a word, Jon nopes out of there.

Dany stalks out, with Tyrion readying himself for the oncoming tongue-lashing, a very different type to those received earlier in his career.

Predictably, Dany is so cheesed off it’s almost too much to camembert. Tyrion decries himself as a fool not a traitor, but Dany says his recent run of foolish decisions means she might be in the market for a new Hand of the Queen. Jorah and Varys have some visible sympathy for Tyrion, whose voice near trembles when he says one of them might be wearing the badge soon enough.

Jaime begins his Winterfell Apology tour, making the rounds to atone for some of his sins. He interrupts Bran interfacing with the weirwood tree to say soz for the pushing and the paralysing. But, as I predicted (sorry to brag, but if you can’t give yourself the odd pat on the back, what’s the point), Bran’s nonchalant about his Lannister-inflicted loss of limb function. “I’m not angry at anyone,” he deadbrans, proving he’s on some sort of supernatural sedative (Diaze-bran?)

Branadol tells Jaime he needed him to fight the White Walkers, not be murdered, which is why he didn’t dob him in. Jaime’s interested in what might follow the battle. “How do you know there’ll be an ‘afterwards’?” Bran responds, confirming to Jaime that he really isn’t Bran anymore, because sure, Bran may have spied on Jaime rooting in the tower back in the day, but that wasn’t nearly as creepy as now.

Jaime wanders back into the courtyard to meet his lil’ bro, still smarting from his dressing down from Dany. He tries to convince Tyrion that Cersei pulled the wool over his eyes, but Tyrion says Jaime let Cersei get the leg over him.

Tyrion’s cranky he underestimated Cersei; but Jaime confirms that she is, in fact, preggers, a question that’s been doing the rounds since last week’s episode intensified theories that she might just be making the whole baby thing up.

There’s a lovely moment when Tyrion calls back to when he was trying to convince the Hill Tribes of The Vale not to murder him, saying he always pictured dying in his own bed, with a belly full of wine and a women’s mouth wrapped around his, well, downstairs chicken. Jaime joins in on the quote halfway through; clearly an old joke between the pair long before the events of the show began.

Tyrion gets a bit ironically bleak, picturing himself being ripped apart by dead men to deprive Cersei of that honour, then marching on King’s Landing to do the same to her. But Jaime has eyes for someone else… the MIGHTY PRINCESS, FORGED IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE, SHE WAS XENA… no, wait, sorry, my other favourite ass-kicking hero, Brienne of Tarth.

Things have gotten quite… tender… between these two, in a way that only YouTube mash-up fanfic can capture.

As the trenches are dug outside the castle walls, Brienne is watching Pod help train other fighters, and quick sidebar to say HELLO, PODRICK PAYNE, I’M STARTING TO SEE WHAT ALL THOSE GIRLS WERE KEEN ON. Seriously, Brienne’s specialised form of H.I.I.T training is paying off.

Jaime tries to be respectful, but Brienne can’t believe the old sarcastic Jaime will burst out with another insult like all the other boys. The Kingslayer is genuinely trying to be a bettter dude, and is not joking when he steps down in status to simply be a soldier at her command. Brienne is touched, although not quite as golden-hands-on as I would like.

Goodness, why am I SO onboard the Jaime traime? He was SUCH an INCESTUOUS GIT early on, but he’s turning more noble than Don Quixote, and I can totally understand why Brienne might want to tilt at his windmills.

We’ll get back to those two and their fireside moment later, because it’s a KNIGHT TO REMEMBER.

"Congratulations on your 659th Terrible Pun."

Ser Jorah Mormont now seems to be in the pinnacle position of his career, and one he would have thought impossible a few seasons ago: being the only person who can make Daenarys smile.

It’s Jorah, using his many years of very personal experience, who suggests that as Dany forgave him, perhaps she needs to forgive Tyrion for his muck-ups. Jorah says his heart was broken when he found out Dany had appointed Tyrion Hand of the Queen over him, even though he was off in the Citadel being de-scaled by Sam Tarly. But he now thinks she made the right call, and even though Tyrion’s a motor mouth he often wished he could throw into the sea, he is the right dude to be by Dany’s side, because he learns from his mistakes. AND LEARNING FROM MISTAKES IS GOOD, DANY.

He has another suggestion too: Girl Talk with Sansa Stark.

This scene was a beautifully played chamber drama, with the stakes tipping back and forth and back again - and not in Dany’s favour.

Sansa reiterates her trust in Brienne re: Jaime, and backs Tyrion as a good man. Dany’s still a little bit peeved, wanting Tyrion to have been ruthless not good, but Sansa points out nobody should have trusted Cersei, even Dany.

Sidebar: Can I just reiterate again how much I love that Game of Thrones has these big, momentous events - that sometimes turn out to be giant mistakes? We were all so excited for the Dragon Pit sequence at the end of season seven, and sure, it was a great spectacle, but really, had Jon sent a raven to Sansa after capturing the wight up north, she would have told him straight away that Cersei wouldn’t give a shit, and to hightail it to Winterfell without buggerising around down south. Arya is right: Sansa really is the smartest person in the room.

As I grow older, it’s the one thing that becomes clearer to me - that the world is just full of people either learning or not learning from previous mistakes. And because it’s impossible to soak up all possible mistakes made by all sorts of people, it’s no wonder we repeat them. Throw in different types of personality conflicts and it’s a small miracle that humans have things like wheels and hospitals and sprawling multi-arc fantasy television series.

Sansa softens towards Dany a little when the Dragon Queen highlights their shared victories - being leaders, being women leaders, and being damn good women leaders. But what could POSSIBLY be cock-blocking their friendship?

"Who has two thumbs and is THIS GUY?"

Sansa doesn’t hold back telling Dany she thinks men in love can be easily manipulated. But Dany fires back, Targaryen eyes flashing, that all she has wanted is the Iron Throne, and yet here she is in the godforsaken north about to risk everything she’s worked for to potentially die at the hands of some crypto-fascist zombie climate polluters. “Who’s manipulated whom here, Sansa? Huh?”

"Men, am I right?"

Sansa concedes the point and the glacier between them seems to thaw again. But then Sansa queries what will happen to the North if the battle against the dead is won and Dany takes the Iron Throne. “WHAT ABOUT THE NORTH, DANY? WHAT ABOUT IT?”

Dany’s face, so smiling and warm a moment before, turns icy again. The Wall goes back up between them.

Luckily an attendant enters just before the WWE-style scrag fight can begin.

THEON’S ARRIVED.

Dany takes his return quite calmly, even though technically he abandoned the fleet he and Yara had pledged to serve her when Euron attacked. But hey, at least he rescued Yara, who’s on her way to claim back the Iron Islands.

Sansa is a quiet presence in this exchange until Theon declares he wants to fight for Winterfell. I must admit I wasn’t expecting as much emotion from Sansa, as she flings herself into his arms, tears in her eyes.

Theon ruined life for the Starks for a few seasons there, but he saved Sansa’s life from BOO HISS Ramsay Bolton. It’s an example to Dany of what gaps Sansa has had to bridge to forgive; gaps wider than, say, Tyrion under-estimating Cersei.

Ser Davos Seaworth’s Soup Kitchen is open for business, serving the finest bowls of brown in the North. The Onion Knight’s job is to tell reluctant refugees that they’re going to have to fight, as may as well head to the forge to get suited up.

There’s a sweet moment with a young girl with a scarred face, bringing to mind lost little Shireen Baratheon. She wants to fight the zombies, but Gilly asks her to come to the crypts to protect her and Baby Sam. The girl accepts this proposal, and hurries off with her food, just as a horn sounds.

TIME FOR A HAPPY REUNION!

Jon rushes over to embrace Dolorous Ed from the Night’s Watch, but before he can get there, is crash-tackled by everybody’s favourite everything, TORMUND GIANTSBANE.

"Charge!"

There are hugs all around, and it’s genuinely charming to see Jon Snow smiling. Like with his face. You can see his teeth. The gang’s all back together - at least until dawn the next day, which is when the Night King is bringing his Endless Rave to the gates of Winterfell. Of course, Tormund has his priorities right - is The Big Woman still here?

It’s time for Everybody We Love in The Known Universe (Except Bronn) to gather for a Giant War Room Tabletop Strategy Meeting.

I actually got goose flesh seeing so many of these dearly loved people all standing together preparing for what could be a final stand.

Jon thinks their best chance is taking out the Night King, which should cause all the others to cark it, but it’s Bran who realises he will be the key to victory, as the Night King will be coming for him.

We’ve been trying to figure out what the Night King actually wants for about four seasons, but it appears to be nothing more complex than deleting Bran’s internal hard drive. I once fried a motherboard by tripping and accidentally throwing a full glass of Pepsi Max over my Mac, but I’m not sure if the Night King’s thought of that cunning plan, or if Bran is susceptible to attack by cola products.

Oh, that is in very poor taste, shame on you.

Sam says it’s more than just erasing memory; it’s about erasing the humanity that memory creates. Bran’s plan is to park himself in the Godswood and dangle his big juicy all-knowing humanity-inspiring brain out as bait.

Sansa and Arya aren’t up for that idea, but Theon quickly shows you don’t need testicles to have balls. He volunteers to be Bran’s bodyguard, explaining “I took this castle from you. Let me defend it now.” Again, another flawed Thrones character who it’s just become too hard to hate. There’s a moment while everyone accepts that Theon is going to die, a few quiet coughs, then planning continues.

Tyrion says he and Davos will be on the walls to give a signal for Jon to light the trench (ooooh, foreshadowing!), but Dany’s having none of it. Tyrion may be keen to fight alongside everyone else, but he’s also the smartest adviser she’s got. With Jorah listening, Dany indirectly apologises to Tyrion for ranting at him, and says he must stay in the crypts so at least one brain survives to help post-battle. Well done, Dany, that seems to be a decent bit of tempering your temper.

The group hopes dragon fire will assist, but the dragons can’t be too far away from Bran. Arya questions whether dragon fire will defeat the Night King, but Bran’s like “Dunno, mate, no bastard’s ever tried, but first time for everything, ay?”

“We’re all going to die at Winterfell,” chirrups Tormund. “But at least we die together!”

He’s ever the optimist our Tormund, hoping this last ditch pitch might sway Brienne to climb aboard his ginger love beard for the evening. But as always, she’s just mildly disturbed by his penetrating gaze.

Jon urges everyone to get some rest, but nopes out on Dany once again, refusing to meet her eyes as she clearly was hoping for a late night snuggle post battle-planning. It’s a moment Tyrion notices and notes, before pulling up a chair and asking Bran to spin him a yarn about his bizarre career change.

It’s then that the goodbyes begin.

Grey Worm tells Missandei he’s loyal to Dany, but once she’s won the battle and the Iron Throne, he’s keen to pack up and just take a vacation. Missandei is not averse to the idea of a Contiki tour to her homeland of Narth, and Grey Worm is confident his men will bring the muscle. It’s a benign, couple-y type of conversation, the sort of other plans you make while life is busy happening.

Jon and Sam keep watch on the battlements, something they would have done time and time again at Castle Black. They’re joined by a white dog which surely, SURELY, can’t be Ghost?!?! He looked too small to be Ghost. The last time we saw Ghost was in season six, and he was much bigger. I know Ghost was the runt of the litter, but he was still a direwolf. What’s going on?

Don't tell me this is a Milo & Otis situation.

Sam ribs Jon about not yet dropping his origin story bombshell on Daenarys, but Jon is not here for his “biding your time” jokes. Dolorous Ed joins them, and Jon suggests Sam join Gilly and Baby Sam in the crypts. Sam’s ego is dented by this slight on his physical ability - after all, he was the first dude to dust a White Walker in the current era. He also stole a bunch of library books, he’ll have you know, and he’s capable of zinging Ed about his lack of boning action.

“Sam Tarly, Slayer of White Walkers, Lover of Ladies. If we needed any more proof the world was ending.” Ed Tollett really is the driest son of a bitch this side of the Narrow Sea.

The trio remark on how they’re the only ones left from the Night’s Watch, and pledge that any survivors burn the corpses of the others.

We travel now, ladies and gentlemen, to the Great Hall, where the Brothers Lannister are enjoying an aperitif or seven before the final fight. After all, who can sleep? Tyrion would like to see the look on their father’s face, to see both of his sons facing impending death defending Winterfell. They reminisce about the good old days, which weren’t that good, really, what with all the sister-shagging. But they’ve come a long way, with Tyrion also giving up his shagging habits. So here they are, two celibate bros, about to die for a woman from a rival house. Now that’s progress.

Brienne and Pod show up, looking for somewhere warm to “contemplate their impending deaths”. Brienne allows Pod half a cup of wine, but Tyrion of course fills it up for his one-time squire. Davos rushes in to embrace the fire; and I love the fact that he stood immediately with his back to it, which is EXACTLY what I do if I’m somewhere cold and want to warm up. The butt must come first.

Tormund prowls in next, with eyes just for Brienne. This moment with Tormund is one of the greatest virtuoso comic performances I’ve ever seen, and this is a character rich with them. His story about the origins of his Giantsbane name are hilarious, and the way he caps it by downing a full horn of Farmers’ Union Iced Coffee is spectacular.

Once again, thank you, Reddit geniuses.

The rest of the cast watch on in the most delightful confusion, until Davos relents and says maybe he will have a drink after all.

Tyrion remarks that most people in the room have fought against the Starks at some point, but here they are now, all together, fighting for them. He also lets a glimmer of hope in, and starts to think they might live. After all, they have each survived many battles - I loved Jaime pointing out he was the “fabled loser” of the Battle of Whispering Wood. Tyrion misnames Brienne as Ser Brienne, and she has to explain to Tormund that women can’t be knights.

Why not? Tradition. “F*** tradition!” declares Tormund, instantly rocketing to the top of the Feminist Hero charts. Brienne’s like “I don’t even WANT to be a knight”, and Pod shoots her the best “Bullshit!” look in the show. Tormund, ever out to impress Brienne, says he would knight her ten times over if he were a king, and one imagines there’s some subtext to that offer.

It’s Jaime who brings the conversation back on track. “I’m a knight, I can make another knight,” he says, bringing up a rule I wasn’t really aware of, but maybe it’s a special Westerosi tradition.

Brienne doesn’t move at first, and it’s not hard to see her processing whether this is yet another bad joke at her expense. But Jaime is serious, and she kneels before him. Citing the Warrior, the Father and the Mother, he charges her to be brave, just and defend the innocent (Well Ser Gregor Clegane never took that oath to heart). “Arise, Brienne of Tarth, a Knight of the Seven Kingdoms!”

Applause breaks out, and no one is more enthusiastic than Tormund, clapping his great paws together like the bear he allegedly once copulated with.

But Brienne’s eyes shine with love at Jaime, and he recognises that light. He sees in her the kind of knight he wished he could have been, the kind of knight who would fill the pages of those dusty biography books back in King’s Landing that had his major achievement of note as being the “Kingslayer”. His father Tywin once told him a lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinion of sheep; but in this moment Jaime realises that is totally wrong. Brienne has given him the standard of knighthood he should have had all along; it is her gift to him. His knighting her is but a small recognition in return.

"This is the first time I have ever smiled in my life and it HURTS my FACE."

Down in the courtyard, we FINALLY see Ser Jorah Mormont talking to Lady Lyanna Mormont, his cousin and BETTER. He’s gently urging her against fighting in order to protect the future of their house, but Lyanna is like “Sorry, cous, duty calls, and I’ve got some zombie ass to kick.”

Lyanna wishes him well and stalks off, leaving Sam to fill the conversational gap. He’s brought along the Tarly Family Sword he stole from Dad Randall before the old grouch got roasted more savagely than Barnaby Joyce at a summertime outdoor Family Values conference with happy hour rum cocktail specials.

Sam wants Jorah to have Heartsbane (Heartsbae, remember?!), because he basically can’t even lift it, and it would make sense to have a kick ass fighter be armed with Valyrian steel in this take-no-prisoners battle royale. Sam also has Jorah’s dad Jeor for helping him in the Night’s Watch, and Jorah says he will wield it in the old Bear’s honour.

Now this, I think, marks a full circle for Jorah. He’s given up any claim on Dany’s affection, told her she’s right to trust others, and now has had his honour restored. He betrayed his father and was not entitled to Longclaw, but now Sam, a protege of Ser Jeor, has closed the gap.

Which means Ser Jorah is likely to be No More-ah next week. I know, I know, he’s stuck around this far! But if I had to bet on one character carking it in the battle, I would throw those golden dragons on Ser Jorah. I’M SORRY, JORAH THE ANDAL. I have loved your gravelly voice and devotion beyond measure and that yellow shirt you don’t wear anymore because it got too sweaty. I will remember you, I promise.

"Look at the stars, look how they shine for you"

Let’s talk GENDRYA, which was the hook-up we all wanted, and yet were strangely uncomfortable with.

The foreplay starts with forge-play, as Arya visits Gendry all sweaty at work, demanding he hurry up and finish her specialty weapon (ooer). She wants to know what the White Walkers and wights are like, and the best Gendry can come up with is that they’re like Death, coming at you. Arya casually describes how she knows Death, and how it has many faces, and she’s super chill to meet this one, all while flinging dragon glass knives at the wall like she just escaped a circus. Gendry is like “Cool, well I’ll get right on that weapon, then, you strangely flirty nutbag.”

"It is hot in here, and I'm not talking about the forge."

Later Arya chills for a bit with the Hound on the battlements. He’s confused by her newfound stoic silence, which replaced the non-stop nattering she used to do when travelling with him. Beric Dondarrion soon joins them, having returned with Tormund. He’s still a believer in the Lord of Light, even if the Hound reminds him that Thoros of Myr is dead and the Lord of Light will be pretty pissed to have brought Beric back 19 times only to see him be flung over the castle walls by the Hound for trying to pray.

All this is nice, and all, but Arya isn’t keen to spend her final few hours on earth with these miserable old bastards. What, and miss out on that sparkling Hound banter? Yes, because she’s got a better idea about how to employ her mouth.

Obviously knowing he would magically locate her, Arya practises with bow and arrow in what seems to be a grain storage room, judging by all those sacks piled around the room. Gendry shows up with the new weapon, which Arya judges as being good enough. She then subjects Gendry to a series of emotionless questions about The Red Woman, better known as reclusive singer-songwriter Kate Bush. Gendry gets all flustered as she pumps him for information on what she wanted with him; and to her credit Arya is actually surprised when Gendry confesses he is Robert Baratheon’s bastard son. But then, Robert had a son, Ned had a daughter. It seems this is the real way they’ll join their houses.

“We may both die tomorrow; I ought to know what it’s like,” Arya declares, before jumping Gendry. “I’m not the Red Woman,” she says as she disrobes. “Take your own bloody pants off.”

Yes, Arya is a grown woman, but she’s still a LITTLE GIRL! We’ve watched her since she was 12, and NOW LOOK THERE’S SOME SIDEBOOB. It’s awesome and empowering for the character, but awkward for us as viewers. I’m sure I’m not the only one who blushed and did some mental arithmetic around their ages.

For a cherry-popping scene, it was intimate and cosy, but hey, I guess it was a nice time to show the joy of sacks.

Back at the big fire party, Tyrion’s keen for a song, which you know is the sign when everyone should pack up their eskies and head home. Nobody’s stepping up until Pod opens his mouth and starts warbling a tune about a girl named Jenny dancing with ghosts (or possibly goats, who knows). The man has a golden tongue, after all, I shouldn’t be surprised he has a golden voice.

The maudlin melody prompts more introspection from our late night partygoers, and opens up to a montage of where everyone else is: Sam and Gilly deep in shared thought as Baby Sam sleeps between them; Sansa and Theon having a last meal as friends; Arya pondering her first sack race while Gendry sleeps; Grey Worm kissing Missandei before leading a column of Unsullied out to prepare; Ser Jorah checking the defences on horseback. The final refrain of the song is “never wanted to leave” repeated over and over, a reminder that all these people are making sacrifices they’d rather not, but do out of duty.

Finally.

The crypts.

Dany ventures down to find Jon Snow standing in front of the statue of Lyanna Stark. She reaches for him, but he makes no move to embrace her. She’s awkward as she tries to understand how her brother Rhaegar, famed for being kind and artistic, could also have raped Lyanna.

"I swear to the old gods I did not get this from InfoWars."

“He didn’t,” Jon says, the first blow struck at the lie that has held the Seven Kingdoms in its grip for more than 20 years.

“He loved her. They were married in secret. After Rhaegar fell at the Trident, she had a son.”

In an echo of Sam telling Jon the truth last week, the camera stays on Dany’s face as she takes it in - the threat to the child, Ned’s promise to Lyanna, Jon’s real name of Aegon Targaryen.

Dany is disbelieving. A secret nobody knows - except Jon’s brother and best friend? But it is true, Jon says, the acceptance in his voice. It must feel right to him, despite last week’s shock upon hearing it. All this time, his whole motherless life - his mother was underneath him at Winterfell all along. Suddenly his inside-but-outside life made sense. Not that he necessarily wants to be the King, of course, but in true Jon Snow-style, the truth is always his best path.

“You would have a claim to the Iron Throne,” is the last statement Dany utters before the horns herald the approaching army of the dead. Jon turns at the sound, but Dany’s gaze is still on him, steely. In just a few moments, her whole identity has changed; and she doesn’t have the luxury of a day or two to get used to the concept before charging into war.

The pair join Tyrion on the battlements, and once again he notices the emotional space between them. But they rush off to get in position, leaving Tyrion still on the wall, staring down the massed army of doom.

Out in the snow, the White Walkers on horseback line up side by side, at the head of their mighty army. There is no sign of the Night King; waiting further back on Ice Viserion, perhaps?

Either way, everything’s changed, and nothing will be the same again. Let’s hope the work our characters have done to survive stands them in good stead at this moment.

Valar Morghulis.

Yay! Best Moments

Tormund crash-cuddling Jon as he’s trying to hug Dolorous Ed is a memory I will retreat to whenever I need a happy place.

I’m not sure if he really is a bear-f***ker, but there’s no doubt he’s a bear-hugger.

He also claims the title of Most Disconcerting Milk Drinker since Robin Arryn, and that whole sad drinking and knighting scene was glorious.

Zing! Best Lines

So much of the Arya/Hound/Beric banter was great, but I think I have to go with the girls:

Dany: I’m here because I love your brother, and I trust him. I know he is true to his word. He’s only the second man in my life I can say that about.Sansa: Who was the first?Dany: Someone taller.

Eww, gross

With no Cersei or Euron this episode, there really wasn’t that much to get grossed out by this episode. A brief reprieve, perhaps, before the inevitable.

Boo, sucks

SO MUCH DEATH TO COME OUR WAY MY BODY IS NOT READY.

----

Finally, a random thought that occurred to me, and gave me a certain degree of strength facing down next week’s likely bloodbath. A metaphorical stiff dram, if you will.

I’ve never known the origins of the name “Winterfell”, and I’m certainly not going to look into it now, lest it ruin my sense of self-satisfaction at finally coming up with a potentially possibly plausible theory.

But what if the location of the Winterfell fortress was chosen because it’s literally the place where winter… fell? Perhaps this is the location of the defeat of the White Walkers the last time round, more than one thousand years ago? I know Bran the Builder, one of the early Stark kings, built both The Wall and Winterfell. Perhaps the name has been giving us the answer the whole time - that this is the place where winter - aka, the Night King - falls?

Again, there are probably 549 YouTube channels with deep dives already on this theory, but I’m terrible at foreshadowing, so dang it, I’m proud of myself.

Thank you to everyone for reading, but in particular my gorgeous Patreon subscibers, including:

I totally thought Bronn was going to walk in on the Lannister boys while they were sitting by the fire. Big disappoint.

As an aside, when I saw where the Arya\Gendry scene was going, I paused it, checked the internet to confirm Arya’s age, then, with a sigh of relief, resumed the episode. The side boob and booty shot were worth the faint feeling of ick.

Gendrya was a challenge for a lot of us, I think - I've seen some people suggest we're not accepting Arya's empowered sexuality, but I don't think it's as misogynistic as all that... I honestly think we all see Arya as some sort of murderous assassin baby sister. We've known her since she was little, so of course we are awkward when we see her blossom into a sexual person.

You've got a good list of impending deaths there, I think a fair few will be on the money - and I sure hope Bronn turns up with his crossbow!

Rhino mumbles...

Posted April 25

I’ll even venture a guess that the crossbow will be key to Cersei’s demise.

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Posted April 23

Lol "Branadol", love it.

Totally agree on the faint feeling of ick, Rhino, haha.

It was suggested in a youtube thingy I looked at that the Night King isn't at Winterfell after all, and has in fact raced down to Kings Landing on his dragon-mobile, looking to turn Cersei's whole crowd into walkers for a two-pronged attack on the North. Fingers crossed that giant spear machine makes good on an already dead dragon, rather than the lovely living ones.

That is a really interesting theory. So the idea is the Ice Viserion would burn everyone, then the Night King would raise them?

I'm just intrigued as to the timing... I know these things are malleable in Westeros, but could it simply take days/hours for the Night King to do this and get another army ready to attack from the south? They are shufflers, after all. :)

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Posted April 23

So good. Mrs GB came in to see what I was laughing at.
Yep, wouldn't be surprised if the Night King was heading south but I'd be a bit disappointed if we get Zombie Cersei. I'd hoped for Arya to finish her off. Also, looking forward to a Hound vs Mountain rematch. Will the Mountain be only slightly undead or fully frozen?

NBlob swirls their brandy and claims...

Posted April 25

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Posted April 23

Been looking forward to this recap and it doesn't disappoint, so happy to see you have your song groove back for this season. I do fear for your health as you seem to be burning the candle at both ends and the middle to get these recaps out, live broadcast, and record your podcast. I really enjoy it all but worried you will collapse in a heap at the end.But until then please keep up the amazing work.

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Posted April 25

Because my means of GoT access are, um, unorthodox, I watch on an elderly iPad. I know this is petty & to some extent 'youse get what youse pay for,' but FFS turn the damned lights on.
Several of the scenes were so dark I couldn't see bupkiss.
Dog / dire wolf? Didn't even see it.

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Posted April 26

I realise Mother of Kittens doesn't read other sources, blogs, twitter etc so as to leave her creative juices unsullied but someone on twitter posted this I can never again hear the Night King without using the Potteresque title

Posted April 29

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Respond to 'GoT S8E2: "A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms"'

Why hello, sexy Throners. You look so lovely and nubile in the candlelight. Let’s all disrobe and enjoy some cosy naked time here on this surprisingly plush bed.

What’s that, you say? You just want to talk about Game of Thrones? About how it’s back, after 595 days of waiting in agony? About how all our favourites reconvened, reunited, reacted to or rode each other? Are you seriously going to chitter chatter over me, trading minute details and emotional responses while I attempt to have my wicked way with all of you?

Well, a woman simply can’t CONCENTRATE on getting her beginning away (it’s hardly an end, thank you very much) with all of this TALK. Honestly, you’d think the WORLD was about to END listening to your gory obsession with dragons and fire and missing eyelids and things that are in no way compliments about my sexual prowess. What do you think this is, a true crime podcast?

Bah. I see there’s no use trying to convince you. Sexy times will have to wait. For now, there is only time to RECAP GAME OF THRONES.

Here we are, back together after so long, dear readers!

Much has happened. They took pictures of a black hole that wasn’t the gaping heart of Australian politics. Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire in Paris while I was writing late into the night, a heart-breaking sight that made me think immediately of Cersei blowing the Sept of Baelor, because that’s what happens when your brain moors itself near-completely in Westeros.

Much has stayed the same. I still have three foster kittens, maintaining my “Mother of Kittens” title. I am still unchallenged as “The World’s Foremost Game of Thrones Recappespondent”, mostly because I made that term up and am still the only person on Planet Earth to use it.

I’m sure we are all a little older, a little wearier, a little ground down by the relentless task of Existing In This World.

Thank heavens then, that Existence has been improved for six final, glorious weeks with the return of The Greatest Television Show That Ever Was Or Will Be.

Let’s just ignore the Impending End, and focus on the Now. For the Night is Dark and Full of Terrors, Winter is Coming, What is Dead May Never Die and in the end we will all be cleansed by Fire and Blood.

The Raven On recaps have returned. I wish us all good fortune in the words to come.

S8E1: Winterfell

As usual for a Game of Thrones season-opener, this episode was very much about blowing cobwebs off dusty chess pieces, moving them into position, and setting up what’s to come.

It was always going to be dominated by the arrival of Daenarys Targaryen, Jon Snow (sigh) and a mighty army descending on Winterfell. But the throughline for me this episode was the nature of allegiances. How are they formed? What bends them, what breaks them? Is trust a necessary ingredient, or can you ally in bad faith? How does the blowing away of assumed knowledge affect your allegiances?

And what kind of deal do you make with a dragon that’s staring you down as you play tonsil hockey with his Mum?

Let’s begin then, as the episode does, with the march into Winterfell of Dany, her massed army of Unsullied, Dothraki and dragons, and her *seemingly* equal partner, Jon Snow.

Our first glimpses of the huge host are from the eyes of young Lord Ned Umber, which interestingly enough will feature again later in this episode (gulp). As predicted, their entry mirrors the very first episode, when King Robert Baratheon’s travelling party marched into Winterfell - they even played a twist on King Robert’s theme music.

It was no surprise to see the point of view pass from Ned Umber to Arya Stark, not waiting in the castle with the official party, but taking in the sights from the parade route through Winter Town, not dissimilar to how she watched that first arrival years ago.

Daenarys and Jon ride side by side in the middle of the Unsullied, all regal and serious, but with the odd look of delight from Dany. This is her first official reception as Queen on the Westerosi mainland; it’s understandable she’s looking forward to it.

I was actually quite cross with Jon when he didn’t even notice Arya, but then, why would he have cause to look? He’s Mr Serious Lord Ally to Hot Lady Dragon Queen now, and he’s expecting everyone to be up at Winterfell.

Arya has further Emotions when she spies the Hound plodding along, dour as ever, and Gendry, looking quite rugged atop his mount (ooer). Can we expect a “Genrya” coupling this season? Does Arya even have space in her life for romance, given she seems to derive the most personal satisfaction from beautifully executed executions?

There’s a rather uncomfortable moment when Grey Worm and Missandei, along with a bunch of Dothraki, pass by town folk throwing them narrow-eyed suspicious looks. Their skin is dark, not something you normally see ‘round these here parts, pardners. Come on, Winter Town, please don’t call the cops on them for no reason. There will be excessive force deployed, but it ain’t gonna be by the white people.

The first lines of the season are fittingly given to Tyrion and Varys, riding in a carriage, and fittingly for me, they’re jokes about testicles. This show just KNOWS me. I feel SEEN.

Drogon and Rhaegal arrive in a blaze of sound and fury, soaring over the snow in a display of wonder not seen since the end of the Official Winterfell Summer Box Kite Competition.

Everyone’s a bit scared, except Arya, whose eyes light up, and Sansa on the castle battlements, who’s more “OK, cool, this is a thing, I can deal.”

The main party roll into the castle, and we get our first moment of real emotion from Jon, when he spies Bran, all calm, all knowing, staring at him from his wheelchair.

We’ll get more into Bran’s preternatural gazing, but for now, let’s follow Jon as he bolts down from his horse, runs to his little bro, and smooches him on the head. “You’re a man!” he exclaims. “Almost,” deadpans Bran (deadbran?)

"I'm still All Bran. Which is incidentally why I look this creepy all the time."

Now you may have noticed I have yet to refer to Jon Snow with any of his usual epithets - My Beloved, Lord of #Junkmound, Possessor of #Abs, King in My Pants.

That this whole *thing* with Daenarys might not have simply been a one-off abhorrent aberration, but an ongoing - *gulp* - genuine affection.

I’m sure everything will be sorted out once the truth of what Donald Trump might describe as Jon’s “oranges” is revealed. But I’m just being a bit tender with my heart right now. Just bubble wrapping it for a moment, to perhaps prevent the damage of a full smash later this season.

Sansa gave Jon an efficient but affectionate hug; she was then introduced to her new Queen, Daenarys. Sansa was polite, gracious even, but we all saw the guardedness in her countenance when it came to the Mother of Dragons.

Bran, though, ain’t got no time for this polite bullshit. He abruptly informs Dany that the Night King has turned Viserion, an excellent way to quickly impart that piece of knowledge in less than three seconds of screentime.

The tension deepens when the northern lords and ladies gather in the Great Hall to discuss preparations for the Oncoming Storm. Little Lord Umber pops up again, requesting more wagons to properly evacuate his home, The Last Hearth. And then, YEAAAAAHHHHHHH, it’s our one true Queen, Lyanna Mormont, asking some Very. Pointed. Questions about what in seven hells Jon Snow has been doing.

Lyanna, remember, was the one who first hailed Jon Snow as King in the North at the end of Season Six, and so it’s only right that she be the Enola Gay dropping nuclear truth bombs onto the Hiroshima that is the North.

Yeah, that was possibly not the ideal metaphor.

Anyways, Jon does have the stones (and the pillar, but I’m trying not to think about that, remember) to defend his actions. “We needed allies, I chose the North over my crown” is his base line argument.

He’s noble and such, and he is doing the right thing as he sees it, but he is being a bit selfish to think that Sansa, Lyanna and others wouldn’t interrogate his choices. He was ACCLAIMED as a king, remember, he didn’t take the crown and inform everyone it was now Jon’s World, and You’re Just Living In It. That was an allegiance forged by the people who voted for their King in the North, with or without a democracy sausage. Jon accepted it reluctantly, sure, but it was not necessarily 100 per cent his to give up.

Dany is all cock of the walk - as far as she’s concerned, she’s Queen, she’s the bizzzzzznezzzzz, Jon’s only doing what’s right and proper. She even gives Sansa some SERIOUS SIDE-EYE when the Lady of Winterfell questions how they’re going to feed not only the greatest army ever assembled, but two dragons.

There’s something of an elemental reversal here as it’s Sansa who fires up with the question “What do dragons even EAT?” and Dany who brings the CHILL with “Whatever they want.”

It’s once again left to Tyrion to be the voice of reason. He’s insistent that they must all fight together - even the Lannisters. Yes, Tyrion reveals to the Northmen that his hated family’s forces are heading north to join the fight. They are NOT. HAPPY. LAN.

But Tyrion is convinced. He even bails up Sansa a bit later to explain just why he thinks Darth Cersei is going to come through for the Rebellion, even if he has absolutely no proof she has withdrawn the fully operational Death Star option from the table.

It’s a great reunion between the one-time husband and wife (or ARE they still married? The internet is ablaze with deep dives), particularly Sansa’s rejoinder that the last time they saw each other, Joffrey’s wedding/murder, “had its moments”.

Tyrion thinks Cersei has something to live for - aka, bubba onboard - but Sansa is blown away he could be convinced. “I once thought you were the smartest man alive,” she quips, then stalking off, shaking her head in disbelief at her younger self.

I love this because Sansa and Tyrion are both acutely aware of Cersei’s treachery, but they come at it from different angles. Sansa was but a girl when she was brought under Cersei’s control after her Dad’s head was nipped off. She grew up being intimately acquainted with Cersei’s cruel and inhuman nature. She also spent a fair bit of time with Chief Creep Littlefinger, and not to mention the pure evil of Ramsay Bolton. The girl has a First Class Honours in the University of Terrible Awful People, How to Spot Them and Why To Treat Everything They Say as a Lie at Best and a Deliberate, Manipulative and Likely Painful Trap at Worst.

Tyrion, though, was a grown man when the events of season one rammed into his cosy world of tits and wine. Despite having the surface knowledge that his sister and father hated him, then achieving a more in-depth understanding after numerous attempts to bump him off, somehow he has a vague sense of being bulletproof when it comes to Cersei’s murderous intent.

He once said Cersei’s only two redeeming features were her cheekbones and the love she bore her children. He is banking on that maternal instinct to come good in the great war against the army of the dead. That’s his weakness.

Sansa knows better. Sansa knows Cersei would sooner give up day drinking than help not one, but now two brothers who are putting a literal life or death fight before her. No wonder she’s disappointed in Tyrion’s supposed intelligence.

"I was so out of that guy's league."

Ser Davos Seaworth (kill him and answer to me, HBO) is not from the North himself, but he knows a thing or two about forging and managing useful alliances. Let’s not forget he had to tone down his initial outright hostility to Red Priestess/80s Chanteuse Kate Bush to a general wariness, in order to maintain his friendship with his former King, Stannis Baratheon. Their wobbly detente was destroyed when Melisandre burned Shireen at the stake, but you know, fair cop. That’s not a frenemy you need anymore.

He’s since been a key adviser to Jon Snow, both as he negotiated with the free folk to join forces, and subsequently as a sort of quasi-hand-of-the-king-in-the-north, helping him with Dragonstone negotiations with Dany.

The Onion Knight knows enough to understand Northerners distrust foreigners, outsiders. And how best to make an alliance? Remove the “D” from “dalliance” it seems.

“A proposal is my proposal,” he says, checking out Jon and Dany’s annoyingly convincing body language as they inspect the campsite outside the castle walls below.

Oh Davos, you old romantic. “Old” being the operative word; Tyrion takes offence at being lumped in with Davos and Varys as the “elder statesmen” of the Targaryen/Stark political machine.

Dany, meanwhile, is concerned that her attempts to get on Sansa’s good side early with all those lovely compliments about her beauty have not worked as she hoped.

She doesn’t think my girl Sansa likes her, but Jon, ever the peacemaker, says it’s just because Sansa doesn’t know Dany yet. Dany’s like, sure, but even if she doesn’t like me, she must respect mah authoritah (is South Park still a reasonable relevant cultural touchstone?)

The pair is interrupted by Dothraki horsemen bringing news that the dragons have only eaten 18 goats and 11 sheep, indicating they may be starving themselves in protest at being flown up to the cold, damp wasteland of the north. They are reptiles after all (one assumes).

It’s like the time I started a hunger strike to protest not being allowed to go to Schoolies at the end of Year 12. Although that lasted approximately 23 minutes before I remembered I didn’t drink, I really didn’t care about the beach, and that no teenage rite-of-passage could ever be as good as food.

So.

Let’s talk about the dragon-riding.

I must admit to having mixed feelings about this sequence. On the one hand, of course I loved it, because it was joyous and funny and it gave the opportunity for Jon Snow to practice dragon-riding before an emergency situation where it might be needed. Dany’s quips to Jon about holding onto “whatever you can” and that should Rhaegal not want him to ride, then “I will miss your company, Jon Snow” were pretty ace.

On the other hand, I was surprised they would choose to burn the dragons’ limited calorific intake on a joy flight; and I really wasn’t expecting the first time Jon Snow rode a dragon that it would be an almost shot-for-shot remake of Neville Longbottom’s first attempt to ride a broomstick in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

As a quick sidebar, given JK Rowling seems to love throwing out new revelations about the Potterverse from 10 years post-Deathly Hallows, has she clarified at all about how painful broomstick riding must be? Think about it - you have a wooden stick clamped between your crotch for potentially hours at a time. Are those wizard robes padded like weekend biking dudes’ lycra pants? Or do they cast anti-chafing spells before they take-off? You never saw that explained in Harry Potter. Nobody ever complained of wang splinters. If anything, side-saddle should be the default riding position in the wizarding world, but no, it was always proper cowboy-style. I’m surprised it was just the Slytherins who were irritable.

Back to Jon. I did somewhat anticipate his first dragon ride would be at a Rather More Dramatic Moment; having to hop on to help out in a battle or something like that. I guess points again to HBO for flipping my expectations on that, making it about the sheer joy of flying rather than the grave necessity of mounting a living scaly missile to deliver maximum payload.

Dany’s never let anybody else attempt a dragon-ride; never set up a little $2 a ride charity stall like they do with Shetland ponies at school fairs. Clearly she trusts Jon enough.

But do the dragons trust him? When they get off to look at waterfalls and… well, get off, Jon has to be reassured that Drogon in particular is OK with his Mommy pashing on with a new boyfriend.

Drogon and I share a similar point of view.

Sigh. Again, the distance, the bubble wrap. I’m just trying to work through the Jon/Dany Boning Reality as best I can, lest I descend into madness, 19th century gothic fiction anti-heroine style.

That’s probably a wise move, because back at Rancho Winterfell, it’s Sansa who explains more clearly to Jon the danger he’s placed them in by resigning his kingship, and asks the key question - did you bend the knee for duty… or love?

Let’s head to King’s Landing, where Qyburn has terrible news for Darth Cersei - the White Walkers have breached The Wall. “Good,” the Queen replies, with one of her trademark smug grins. She’s watching as Euron MacGregor’s Iron Fleet sails back into town, complete with 20,000-odd Golden Company mercenary soldiers, and it’s giving her life.

Cersei sees little threat from an army of the dead: if anything, she considers them more of an ally-from-afar, a convenient way to dispatch her enemies to the North while not risking her own troops.

In the Throne Room, we’re introduced to Golden Company Captain Harry Strickland, a striking-looking blond chap with a throaty Teutonic accent I find highly jarring for a character named “Harry Strickland”. To my mind, “Harry Strickland” should be some sort of Cockney geezer, referring to everyone as “Guv’Nor” and saying things like “Cor blimey, Runner Bean, I felt a bit Moby Dick coming over on the old Nanny Goat” before breaking into a musical number from My Fair Lady.

Someone with the poise, and dare I say it, ethnic features deemed very popular in both Nazi Germany and several James Bond films, should have a name like Reinhold Von Wolfgang Dieter-Meyer Hammerschlag. Not “Harry Strickland”, for Friar Tuck’s sake.

Cersei is Not Impressed by the fact that Harry Me ‘Ol Steiner didn’t make like Hannibal and bring his Battle Elephants from Essos (incidentally my new urban hip hop band name) because they would be too long in quarantine or something.

Harry’s dismissed, but Euron Greyjoy’s keen to sniff out a reward for his work bringing the ships and soldiers to Cersei.

Initially, Cersei’s not taking any of his crap, telling him only that he’s a loyal servant to the Iron Throne and they would marry when the war was over. She even delivers the cold line “You want a whore, buy one. You want a Queen…EARN HER.”

And that, my friends, has inspired…THE FIRST RAVEN ON SONG PARODY OF SEASON EIGHT!

I didn’t know if these song ideas would return to me in 2019, but clearly the muse is hovering about, at least this week. Cersei’s declaration put me immediately in mind of the ultimate Queen of Pop, Madonna, and on the 30th anniversary of its release, I am proud to present:

EXPRESS EUR-SELF

Come on girlsDo you believe in love?‘Cause I do for political reasonsAnd they go something like this

Just try out second best babyPut Euron to the testYou know, you know, you've got toLet him express how he feelsAnd maybe then you’ll know his word is real

You don't need elephantsBut you’re pissed they didn’t showGolden Co. they came very fastYou were really aghast, oh, ohYour request didn’t go to planThere’s no way you’ll get a pachydermAnd you’re already queen on a throneBut this jerk wants you to take his sperm(So much gross sperm)

Just try out second best, babyEven if it’s in jestYou know, you know, you’ve got toLet Euron loose his large eelAnd maybe then you know the bitch will heel

Your twin brother has deserted your keepAnd there’s nary a peep from your kidsProphecies left you sad and alone, soYou might as well bone crazy squidsYou deserve to keep the crownBut what if people see your belly has grown?Euron wants you right up the duffMight as well have him think the babe’s his own(The seed he’s sown)

Just bounce with second best, babyCount yourself mighty blessedYou know, you know, you’ve got toLet him undress his winged keelAnd baby, you won’t be the one to kneel

Express Eur-selfYou’ve got to make himImpress himselfHey hey hey heySo if you want a new toy, make love to GreyjoyHe may be a snot but he’s more ready than knot

He’s got his niece tied up below deckBut Theon’s proved he’s still her comradeNow the yoke has gone from around Yara’s neckHe’ll need all your merciesThe sleaze

Just settle second best, babyTell him he beats the restYou know, you know, you’ve got toMake him forget Jaime’s zealAnd baby just talk up his sex appeal

Express Eur-selfSo you can de-stress yourselfHey, hey, hey, heySo if you are feeling torn, just bed a nut IronbornFinesse what he's got, oh baby ready or not

But onboard ship, Euron MacGregor had been very insistent to his captive, niece Yara Greyjoy, that he was going to, ahem, get to know Cersei better, and starts playing the manipulative, “hey you owe me” crap that shows he’s clearly learned nothing from the #MeToo movement.

Cersei makes to leave, but then she changes her mind. She flips her head back suddenly to Euron, giving him some sort of nod of approval, and he snakes past The Zombie Mountain (oh hi there, you appalling monstrosity), and follows her.

Next time we see them, Euron’s buckling his grotty, fishy pants back up and patting himself on the back for a job well done. Cersei, clad in a soft lavender nightgown which is the first colour we’ve seen her in since she blew up the Sept of Baelor, is already trying to drink away the memory.

Euron wants to know if he’s better than Robert Baratheon (remember him?), and Jaime Lannister. Cersei says he enjoys risking his head - but that she likes his arrogance.

Was that it then? Was that why she let him get his Casterly Rocks off? Surely she finds him revolting? Or is his kind of self-confidence really a turn-on for a Queen who gets off on power? After all, she would often bed Jaime after making life hell for somebody else - maybe she really does have a bitch itch to scratch and she may as well test out Euron’s clammy fingers.

The alternative of course is that she quickly worked out a way of potentially covering up her Jaime Lannister legacy pregnancy with a quick tumble or two with Euron. Given he touched her stomach and said he was going to put a prince in her belly, it’s a live theory - but did Cersei think of it before he did? Is that what prompted her to change her mind?

Meanwhile Bronn’s attempts to drown his sorrows in sex are not going well. His three sexy girls are more interested in gossiping about the latest victims of war than satisfying the dictums of whore.

“Can we stop talking about the f***ing dragons?” he pleads, before Qyburn interrupts from the end of the bed. I assume this was a brothel; the settings looked similar to Littlefinger’s old whorehouse (RIP, but don’t, you creep), but emptier, and more bundled up, like there’s not a lot of disposal income around for ladies of the night. It’s sad when impending continental doom hurts the economy, isn’t it, climate change deniers?

Anyway, there’s clearly no privacy policy in place because Qyburn just appears like a coldsore after using a tester lipstick. There’s no knock, just a “Sir Bronn of the Blackwater?” Ugh, why aren’t these people more pathologically awkward about sex like normal human beings?

What, you don't all have sex like this?

Qyburn has an offer to Bronn, direct from Cersei. She wants him to go after both Jaime and Tyrion, and dispatch them with the crossbow that was made for Joffrey, and later used by Tyrion to kill Tywin.

Qyburn waggles his eyebrows as he tells Bronn that if Darth Cersei raised him up to be her Hand, despite being expelled from the Citadel, imagine what she would do for the man who took out her treasonous brothers?

Now as Ned Flanders might say, this is a dilly of a pickle. Could Bronn actually go through with the assassination of the Lannister Bros? He’s a sellsword, through and through - but he’s been close to both of them, put his life on the line to save them. Does that mean anything to him?

I recall, in the deep dark of foggy memory, a famous declaration Tyrion made to Bronn on their first bromantic walk together through The Vale: “If the day ever comes when you’re tempted to sell me out, remember - whatever their price, I’ll beat it.”

I hope Bronn hasn’t forgotten that, and will turn up at Winterfell in time seeking only a bigger wagon full of gold to join the real fight. And don’t think I didn’t notice that Bronn-belly he was sporting as he put his shirt back on. Could Bronn have lost his edge after losing Jaime to the North? Maybe he's just looking for a good excuse to get out of the capital.

Out on the Blackwater, the quiet sleep of Euron’s ship is disturbed by the pffffthhht of arrows, fired at the eyes of Ironborn guarding his prisoner Yara.

Her main guard falls through the door with an axe in his forehead, before Theon Motherf***ing Greyjoy walks in with his baby blond curls all grown back.

He frees Yara, and she does the only thing appropriate for an Ironborn Queen to do - she gives him a Pyke Kiss right in his stupid cowardly noggin and he hits the deck. But then, heartwarmingly, she offers him her hand and pulls him back up. T’was the most beautiful metaphor for their relationship.

Later, we see the pair at sea, heading for the Iron Islands. Yara reasons that with Euron and his fleet in King’s Landing, he cannot hold his home territory - and Queen Daenarys may need somewhere to fall back to should those pesky Death Zombie Nightmare Shufflers overrun her forces.

Theon half-heartedly says he will follow where she leads, but Yara’s picking up what Theon’s putting down. He wants to go to Winterfell to fight the White Walkers alongside Jon Snow, who gave him such sweet absolution at the end of Season Seven. “You can be a Greyjoy and a Stark” - and having rescued his sister, this move would fulfil both. Theon is a fairly certain candidate for fairly certain death, and it makes a poetic point that he die in the service of Winterfell, the castle he grew up in, but then sacked and burned. Despite his physical injuries, he’s got the figurative balls to honour all of his allegiances.

"Let's mark this moment with a trademark warm Greyjoy embrace."

Can we get a big F***ING HUZZAH for the return of Tormund Giantsbane? He and Beric Dondarrion and a few other escapees from Viserion’s attack on Eastwatch-by-the-Sea turn up at The Last Hearth, which is looking more like the “before” shot in a home renovation TV show than a typical stronghold. There’s snow everywhere, the furniture’s been ruined, and unless they can do something quick with plywood and Dulux Wash & Wear Semi-Gloss the damn thing is never going to sell at auction.

The posse hear noises coming from below the great hall, and head down to scope it out. It’s all very tense until the two separate groups jump out at each other like the world’s worst-organised surprise party. The other group is, of course, a group of Night’s Watchmen led by Acting Lord Commander Dolorous Ed.

Beric's flaming sword is the handy medieval fantasy world version of the torch app.

Again, another sight for sore eyes - this show just has a way of making you adore minor characters enough you’d be quite happy to see them have a spin off procedural drama called “Tormund & Tollett: The Cold Hands of Justice”.

Tormund asks if they’ve found anything, and Ed gives them an ominous look and leads them down to a chamber. Skewered on the wall is poor young Ned Umber, the centre of a spiral of leg and arm segments stretched out across the stone.

As our favourite bearded warriors discuss the meaning of this message, we see the Umber boy’s eyes flick open behind Tormund’s head. The eyes, so incredulous at the sight of Jon and Dany just days earlier, are now terrifyingly dead blue. He mouth opens into brain-shattering scream, and he lunges for Giantsbane.

Thankfully Beric Dondarrion has that very handy flaming sword, which he seems to be able to control as easily as the torch app on your smartphone. Very convenient for finding your way; and a hundred times more effective at snuffing out the screaming undead.

Beric stabs the creature, and the flames spread outwards around the limbs, making a bloody, fiery feature wall.

"I don't know much about art, but I know what I like."

The spiral of body parts is a recurring image through the season: from the very first pre-credit sequence of dead Wildling bodies; to the Night’s Watch slaughtered at the Fist of the First Men; to the rocks around the Tree of Knowledge; to the symbols carved into the caves of Dragonstone. Is it a symbol that all the evil of the White Walkers stems back to one central point, aka The Night King? Could it be that it’s a signpost to a way to undo the curse, to reverse the magic of the world? Or are the White Walkers just a little bit f***ing extra?

Whatever the meaning, they have to get to Winterfell to warn everyone the Army of the Dead is on the march. Thankfully Dolorous Ed and the Night’s Watch brigade brought horses with them; but as Tormund says, they’ll have to last if they can beat the Night King & Co there. Gods speed, my glorious ginger bastard. You, Beric and Ed may just be my secret favourite alliance of all.

Let’s head back to Winterfell for the show’s final one-two revelatory punches.

We start with Sam Tarly going from a blushing servant of Ser Jorah “No More Greyscale” Mormont and asking Dany for a pardon for nicking off with some Citadel books and his father’s Valyrian steel sword, to getting quite startlingly upset at the revelation that Randall and his brother Dickon were flambéd for insolence after the Loot Train Battle.

To control his feelings, he steps out for a breath of oh-so-fresh air, to find Bran waiting patiently in the courtyard, apparently for “an old friend”. Bran then hassles Sam to tell Jon about his true parentage, because it’s best coming from his bestie.

I’m a little circumspect about Sam’s anger here about his family; his Dad treated him woefully, and while he loved his brother, he surely would have understood the rules of war. But it works well for what happens next.

Jon is lighting candles for dead Starks in the crypts when Sam stumbles in. I had forgotten that Sam hadn’t been in the initial reunion greeting party; it makes sense now, he was avoiding Jon lest he inadvertently yells “SHE’S YOUR AUNTIE!” in front of everyone.

It’s Sam who really hits home the theme of allegiances here. He probes Jon about his decision to give up the crown, and how he’s had to make decisions about whom to put to death and whom to spare. Jon says he’s no longer king; Sam says he always bloody has been.

And then, the revelation: Your Mum was Lyanna Stark. Your Dad was Rhaegar Targaryen. You are Aegon Targaryen, Sixth of His Name, ALL OF IT. Jon stumbles back, his face more shocked by this news than by anything the Night King has ever thrown at him.

"Actually, I'm not sure I CAN handle the truth."

Jon cannot believe the Right Honourable Ned Stark could have lied to him his whole life; Sam insists it was to protect him.

Then the key question of alliance.

“You’ve given up your crown for her...would she do the same for you?” Sam asks, righteously, about Danaerys.

Jon has no answer. The rest of the planet does though - OH HELL NO.

As much as Jon has clung to his bastard identity, she has clung to her Queenhood. Jon has never wanted crowns; Dany has. She is similar to someone in this regard… who would that be… oh yes. Cersei.

Man, I wish I could take credit for this meme, but this is all Reddit wizardry.

This is going to make for some interesting discussions next week.

Finally, in a beautifully paced piece of comic comeuppance, Jaime Lannister arrives at Winterfell, shaking snow out of his less-and-less blond hair after a long ride north. He’s fulfilling his promise to fight for the living; but had not paid much thought to whether ghosts from his past might show up.

And then there he is, Bran Stark, stoic, calm, and in full precision laser-beam creep mode. Hello, old friend.

Jaime’s face at this moment can now forever replace the phrase “Ohhhh…. Shiiiiit” in the dictionary.

Last time he saw Bran was a split second before he shoved him out of a tower window where he’d caught Jaime and Cersei in flagrante incesto.

I love that Bran has been carrying this secret around for who knows how long since he got his spooky powers. This is his personal reckoning, he doesn’t need anyone else to take it fom him.

Jaime will face trial of course; but weirdly enough I think Bran will emerge as his best hope for salvation. Bran’s accepted his lot; if Jaime HADN’T have pushed him out of that window, he never would have become the Three-Eyed Raven, and have access to the entire world’s browser history. Worth it? We’ll find out.

And look, I’ve got to say I’m weirdly on the “Save Jaime” train. I need to see he and Brienne have a heart to heart. And given Tormund will no doubt return to Winterfell next week, there are some delicious allegiances just waiting to be made or broken.

Yay! Best Moments

Arya’s reunions with Jon, The Hound and Gendry were my favourite parts of this episode. How glorious was she, stalking Jon Snow into the Godswood, sneaking up behind him, having a brief “how did you survive?”-off, then jumping into his arms EXACTLY the way she did the last time she saw him, as they were both about to leave Winterfell in season one?

"And I've... had... the time of my life."

This was an important moment too, for we saw Jon expressing his frustration with Sansa, and how he wished Arya could have helped him with that. Arya tartly replies Sansa is the smartest person she’s ever met - and let’s not forget that girl has a list that includes Tywin Lannister, Jaqen H’ghar and Hot Pie. She reminds him that Sansa is only acting to protect the Stark family - and Jon should remember that’s his family too. It’s her own message to him to take his newfound alliance to Queen Daenarys carefully - that he’s a Stark first.

Arya’s surprising of Gendry and the Hound in the forge was almost as satisfying - when the Hound sauntered up to stare at her, I had this compulsion to yell “HUG! JUST HUG!” at the screen. There was so much tension and for some reason I just wanted these one-time bitter enemies to just hug it out.

But the Hound, true to form, did the next best thing - he called her a cold little bitch. “I suppose that’s why you’re still alive,” he huffed, zipping out of there before she could mock his grudging respect for her.

Gendry, however, was much more obviously happy to see his old friend from the Kingsroad, Harrenhal, and the Brotherhood Without Banners, and Arya threw him a few almost-flirty looks.

She even asked him to create a new weapon for her, which looked something like a cross between a sword, a spear and a bow. Oh, she has plans, my deadly little delight. Please murder many zombastards, and soon.

Zing! Best Lines

Lots of contenders here - given not a huge amount of action/death was taking place, the writers really punched up the comedy moments. But my favourites were:

Qyburn: Poor girl. The pox will take her within the year.Bronn: (coughing up wine) Which girl?!?!

Eww, Gross

When Euron MacGregor put his hand on Cersei’s stomach and said he’s going to put a prince in her belly, I threw up a little in my mouth.

Boo, sucks

I was reliably informed we would see Ghost return this season, and I did not see Ghost return this episode. I want to see Ghost return this episode. Yes, Dany’s dragons are cool, but isn’t it time Jon gets a moment to introduce her to his amazingly cool fantasy beast? And a lot of dog-owners talk about how their pets sometimes creepily watch them while the humans try to make the beast with two backs. Maybe Ghost could rival Drogon in the intense stare stakes?

Also - how the HELL did Jorah Mormont arrive at Winterfell, where Lyanna Mormont had a vocal role and WE DID NOT GET A MEETING?!?! DENIED!

Thank you all once again for your patience, dear readers!

As many of you know, I was asked to be a guest on the first live episode of Foxtel's Game of Thrones companion show, Thrones 360. I also did my show "Raven On" in Sydney the night before filming, so it was a PACKED few days.

Make sure you follow my Facebook page to get updates, recap notifications and other fun content.

Most of all, I have to thank the dedicated readers who subscribe to my Patreon page. Your support is life-affirming; I owe every last one of you. Here are a just a smattering of names I owe big time:

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Posted April 17

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Posted April 17

Welcome back MoK,
I have been looking forward to your recaps almost as much as seeing the show (yes, almost - sorry about that). And well done on your performance on the 360 recap.
A couple of notes:
1. You might be right that Bran will be Jaimie's saviour but I think it will be Sam. "You killed my Father because you had to, well he (Jaimie) did the same with yours. And my Father still had all his marbles!" (maybe not that last bit).
2. The dragons know that Jon is a Targeryan which may be why Drogon is so disapproving of the snogging. They know where to draw the family line. Or maybe Drogon is just getting turned on in which case Raygun (or whatever) better keep his tail to the ground.
3. I think the young Arryn lad will now return as a warrior. The soldiers he went off with weaned him and he will now be a force.
OK not notes as much as predictions ... so ... all kittens, discuss!

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Posted April 17

Huzzah! welcome back MOK, and it's wonderful to be reading your recaps, watching you on throners360 and I only wish I could see/hear the live broadcast with the silver-tongued Stu at the Powerhouse.

Last week I rewatched season one, someone involved in the show recommended a rewatch because it sets up a lot of stuff for the final season.

You have already alluded to the way the army arrived in town the way it did in season one, but also the return of sexposition where stuff is explained while naked women draped themselves around possible the same brothel than Littlefinger owned.

Respond to 'Raven On Recap: GoT S8E1 "Winterfell"'

After witnessing the Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 7 finale, and in particular THAT SCENE, I am simply too heartbroken to continue.

There is nothing left for me now. I may be writing this from New York City, having just confirmed Hamilton tickets, but it all tastes like ash in my mouth. For me, right now, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Tony and Pulitzer-prize winning hip-hop musical may as well be… Cats.

Yes, it really is that bad.

(Cats the abomination of a musical, of course, not my foster kittens, who despite being mute jerks with no rhythm could vomit up a better show than Cats.)

Throners, I just can’t go on. I can’t even say his name. WHICHEVER NAME THAT IS.

How… could he? I have been faithful, ever so faithful. I bent the knee a long time ago, I pledged my allegiance, I believed that death was not the end, I supported all the nutty ideas, all the wild plans. I lived my life in service of abs, I created the hashtag #junkmound - I EVEN SUPPORTED THE MAN BUN.

But no, no, apparently all that honour and nobility and goodness and inner strength was all just kept in reserve for his true purpose in life: TO HAVE BOAT SEX WITH HIS AUNTIE.

He just dropped anchor on my heart. He went below decks and deep-sixed my dreams. She gave him permission to come aboard. He answered her siren’s call and shivered her timbers. They went hard over astern. He showed her his winged keel. She harried him amidships. He put the cox in her swain. They put the sex into sextant. Trawler? You bet he did.

But all the boat puns in the world cannot make up for my devastation, and so I must resign. You, my Beloved Throners, deserve someone who can examine this 79 minutes of epic fantasy without falling into a Marianas trench of anger, sadness, fear and nausea.

I mean, I guess there were good things about this episode.

The Dragon Pit parly was more tense than an Alfred Hitchcock movie waiting for medical results.

The Hound gave the strongest signal yet that Clegane Bowl will happen...and it will be glorious.

Tyrion and Cersei’s meeting was astonishing in its emotional brutality.

Theon Greyjoy got kneed so hard he found his balls again.

Jaime did the unthinkable and broke up with Cersei.

The Night King rode the f***ing Ice Dragon and its fire-ice breath tore through The Wall like a hot knife through cold butter. Or a cold knife through hot butter, whichever best utilises the fire-ice metaphor.

And Sansa, Arya and Bran teamed up for THE MOST EPIC F***ING TAKEDOWN IN THE UNIVERSE.

DING DONG THE FINGER’S DEAD.

Ok you know what? F*** IT. Recappespondent resignation rescinded.

I’m a 36-year-old woman who’s blundered her way through life with minimal skills, laughable talent and a creepy obsession with abs. But godsdamnit, there is one thing I do know how to do, and that is RECAP GAME OF THRONES. And I will stand here and take all the blows Jon Snow can deliver, and I will eat it up and call it ice-cream and I will fight for a world in which incestuous auntie/nephew boat sex is still gross but I guess we’ll have to go with it for plot’s sake and anyway everything else about this show is still f***ing awesome.

So for one final time this year my Beloveds, let’s hoist the mainsail, splice the mainbrace, and have a final Raven On recap, the Game of Thrones analysis that lets you plunge through its propellers every time.

S7E7: The Dragon and the Wolf or “The One Where the Aunt/Nephew Bone But The Twincestors Break Up So I Guess That’s Something”.

In all the emotional tumult and jet lag, it’s been difficult coming up with a theme, although Tyrion’s apt summation of “We’re f***ed” is the most succinct. With Cersei’s treachery and the Night King’s sorcery, things are going to get a whole lot worse for Westeros before they get better. Jon even repeats the phrase “We’re f***ed” to Dany before proceeding to actually physically manifest it, but more on that ARRRGGGHHH WHY moment later.

If I was to pick a sub-theme, it would be along the lines of “You get what you deserve”. Putting aside THE INCIDENT there was a lot of justice meted out this episode and it was wholly and utterly delightful and slightly erotic.

Let’s start with the assembly of the two remaining “sides” in King’s Landing.

Grey Worm and the Unsullied have turned up at the city walls, with the Dothraki not far behind. The chaotic exuberance of the Dothraki is in complete opposition to the discipline and focus of the Unsullied, who Bronn dubs “men without cocks".

"They're like the Men Without Hats, but their Safety Dance is REALLY safe."

Bronn’s whole world view is governed by his baser desires, so he cannot understand what a group of castrated men could possibly fight for. They will have no families and they can’t enjoy the spoils of war in the form of gold and women, so what’s the point? It’s here where he diverges from both his Lannister compadres, as Jaime fights for honour (a crucial sticking point later) and Tyrion fights because he genuinely believes in the Dragon Queen. Jaime points out his brother has always been a champion of the downtrodden, but looking at the Dothraki, Bronn thinks it’s their side that’s about to become hillbillies. No wonder he ordered an extra 500 barrels of bubbling crude - oil that is. Black gold, Texas tea.

Bronn meets the visiting party of Jon, Davos, Tyrion etc and surprises them with the appearance of Brienne and Pod. They’re fresh from Winterfell, but Brienne and Jon don’t make any small talk at all about the reappearance of Arya and Bran. You’d think you’d want to check in about that Jon, but oh no, you’ve only got thoughts of Daenarys and the Night King and the impending apocalyptic war with the living dead on your mind, OK, whatevs, bro.

Sorry, sorry, I shouldn’t let CERTAIN EVENTS colour my complete view of Jon from this episode. He was broodingly sexy of course in his big furry cape, but it was the others who provided the banter. Brienne tells The Hound about Arya instead, after a cursory “I thought you were dead” to the resurrected Sandor Clegane. He says he only wanted to protect Arya, and Brienne replies the only people who need protection are ones who get in her way. The Hound smiles at this; he is delighted she has become the warrior he knew she could be. Last week he called all gods c***s, but maybe one of them had Arya’s back after all.

Meanwhile the “Heroes of Blackwater Bay” have reunited - Tyrion, Bronn and Pod. Tyrion calls back to a famous moment in Season 1 when, having hired Bronn with the promise of flipping great wodges of cash, advises him not to undermine him or sell him out: “Whatever they’re offering, I’ll double it”. He’s genuinely concerned for Bronn’s safety with his sister in charge - and after Cersei’s pledge to torture him two weeks back, we are too.

But Bronn is convinced he’s the McCain Healthy Choice microwave meal in this situation and that he is, he IS looking after himself. He’s got the potential to deliver two traitors right into Cersei’s hands in exchange for a large bag of gold - but his pragmatic self-interest blinds him to the reality that Cersei does not care if he lives or dies, and that he is just as much at risk of being strung up with traitors as Tyrion or Jon. But Bronn’s mercenary consistency is strangely comforting to Tyrion, and he remarks how good it is to see Bronn again. NAWWWW.

As they walk to the Dragon Pit, a location we’ve never previously seen, we learn that it was here the great Targaryen beasts were locked up to stop them randomly attacking the city and its people. It’s stood empty for generations, but was once the most dangerous place in the kingdom. “Maybe it still is,” Davos intones.

The Hound sets down his FedEx box containing one steaming hot raging Wight and tells everybody listening that if anybody touches it, he’ll kill THEM first, not the Wight. He’s very sensitive about his package.

As they stride into the arena, there are so many LOOKS between key pairings: Brienne and Jaime; Euron and Theon; Cersei and Tyrion; and of course the Hound and the Mountain, with Sandor labelling Gregor uglier than him, and declaring “You know who’s coming for you.” The tension is palpable - it’s like one of those current affair shows where some bloke dies and his family finds out he had another, secret family and the program decides to introduce them, and nobody lives happily ever after.

The line up in the Dragon Pit is like the Mayweather/McGregor bout except, you know, good.

I mean, props to the lady for Making An Entrance. If you’re going to intimidate, a dragon-sticks-the-landing-10-from-the Russian judge is the way to do it. “You’re late,” growls Cersei through gritted teeth. “Soz not soz,” Dany flips back. Oh, it’s ON. I mean, I’m a feminist, and I think women work best when they work together, but the sight of TWO EPIC QUEENS lining up against each other is also kinda my jam.

Tyrion tries to start the discussion on a calm note but is quickly overrun by Euron MacGregor having a go at Theon, who very kindly showed up for this showdown after two episodes of being who the f*** knows where on Dragonstone. When Tyrion tries to draw their attention to larger concerns than Yara Greyjoy, Euron cracks a dwarf joke at Tyrion, who zings him back with Theon’s help. “You’re not even FUNNY, you asshole, you’re not supposed to explain the joke.” I generally don’t explain my jokes, which is why I’m really hoping people will remember the 1990s McCain’s Healthy Choice ads that I just referenced because otherwise, wow, obscure.

When talk finally turns serious, there’s a lot of Big Words and Strong Tones and Brooding Looks from Jon Snow. “The Army of the Dead is coming, and will turn the million people in King’s Landing into zombie soldiers,” he says. Cersei’s reply? “For most it will be an improvement.” Oh bitch, YOU COLD.

Tyrion eventually calls for the proof, and the Hound brings out the FedEx box by himself, like one of those removalist guys who pride themselves on being able to single-handedly lift your baby grand piano down seven flights of stairs because they’ve been doing extra hard leg days this week.

The Hound had rapped on the box during transit via sea to make sure the Wight was still mindlessly raging, but there was an awkward moment when he opened the box in the Dragon Pit and nothing happened. Cersei, who’d already outdone herself in the “Zero F***s Given” stakes, looked on the verge of sneering laughter when BANG! The Hound knocked the box over and out spilled the nightmarish zombie critter.

Finally, Cersei had the grace to look frightened as the creature bore down upon her at speed. Only the snap of restraints stopped it from gnawing at her smug face. The Hound sliced the wight in half, but like an extra from The Walking Dead, it kept going. Jon used the opportunity to conduct a brief science demonstration, showing that only burning and dragonglass were effective weapons against them. The More You Know! Everyone seems suitably scared of the demon undead - except for Qyburn of course, who’s had a slick haircut but lost none of his ghoulish interest in reanimating things. Fo’ sho’ he was making monkey paw wishes on those zombie fingers.

One person who ISN’T interested in finding out more is Euron MacGregor, who frankly has more important things to do than wait around for Trainspotting 3 to get the green light, or for a zombie horde to invade from the north. “I’ve been everywhere man, and this is the only thing that scares, man” he tells the crowd, before sauntering off to wait out the apocalypse on the Iron Islands. To be frank, that “kingdom” is such a scrotum of despair that I’m not sure you could tell if and when the apocalypse happens, but Euron do Euron.

Cersei ultimately agrees to a truce, but on one condition: Jon Snow returns to the north, and doesn’t pick a side.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who had the following thought run through their brain: Annnnnnd let’s watch this beautiful idiot f*** this up in three, two, one…..

When Tyrion said “I wish you could lie, just a little bit,” he spoke for us all. Yes, yes, Jon is right when he goes on to say everybody’s been lying too much and nothing means anything anymore. There IS too much fake news in Westeros, which is diluting the true threat to the Kingdom. But Jon, darling, when even your new girl Daenarys is saying “Thanks, but my dragon died so you could have this chat and that was a dick move to pull”, you might want to rethink your tactics.

The upshot of that drama was that Tyrion had to go and confront Cersei personally, and never has “walking into the lions’ den” been a more appropriate phase. Tyrion himself describes his sister as “the most murderous woman in the world” and a large part of him really does expect to die. But he’s come this far and he says he simply must try. Besides, if Jon went instead, Cersei would definitely kill him (having not much love for dark-haired men, historically speaking).

Even Jaime wishes him well as they greet outside Cersei’s chambers, but Tyrion must venture in alone. Their conversation here is one of the highlights of this season, with Tyrion defending his murder of their father passionately, and denying he took joy in the deaths of Myrcella and Tommen. For me though, Cersei was the winner. The way she rationalised her behaviour actually made me think “Yeah, I get that”. She’s still a monster of course, but the way she internalised the wight as being a threat to her and her family only, not the wider kingdom, was rooted in her rage at the outside world for exploiting and shaming her.

It makes no sense and yet perfect sense that she should not care if anyone else is affected by the march of impending doom. THEY deserve it. As she said, becoming a marching zombie would be an improvement for most of them. She’s mad to think she can keep her near and dear away from it, but that’s the thing about mad people - their thinking patterns are working on a differing sewing machine.

Tyrion’s realisation “You’re pregnant!” as she holds the royal belly was loaded and wonderful, and gives him insight into where she’s at in her head. And the chat seems to do the trick, with Cersei re-emerging with her crew into the Dragon Pit to pledge that her armies will not stand down; but rather venture north to help fight the White Walkers.

The Stormborn crew all venture back to Dragonstone to start laying plans on how to move their armies to Winterfell. Jorah suggests Dany fly up, given the hostility towards her in areas they’ll be travelling through. One lone hero with an arrow could see her silver hair and end it all. But Jon thinks he and Dany should sail together for White Harbour, to send a better message of unity. Dany agrees: “We will sail together.”

Once again, Jorah is the Ralph Wiggum of Game of Thrones, and you can pinpoint the moment his heart breaks a little more. All that talk last week about Longclaw going to Jon’s children after him was a tacit bit of foreshadowing that maybe Dany wasn’t going to come around to a Jorah hook-up, even if he blasted his best Peter Gabriel from a boombox outside the throne room. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

“Then what are you doing still talking to me?” Jon asks. Meanwhile Theon Greyjoy has a few things to get off his chest to Jon. He wants to explain why he couldn’t do the right thing as Jon has always done, because he was torn between his Greyjoy heritage and Stark education. Jon tells him he doesn’t have to choose: he can in fact be both. It’s an absolution of sorts for the tortured Theon, who now only wants to save his sister Yara, the only one who had cared enough to try to rescue him when he was Ramsay’s captive.

Theon heads to the remaining members of his fleet and says he wants to go back and save Yara from Euron MacGregor. The main captain, Australian actor Brendan Cowell, says Yara is dead and they’re better off finding a nice island where they can kill the men, take their wives and wait out the Long Night.

“Nope, never gonna happen,” Theon replies, forcing things to get physical with Cowell. The big guys starts to lay in on Theon, but the smaller guy keeps getting back up. He takes hammering after hammering but gets back up. Eventually, Cowell tries to finish him with a knee right to the meat and two veg. Except as we know Theon has been a full vegan since his time with Ramsay, so the blows did not hurt him. In fact, there was a beautiful moment when Theon discovered that perhaps, like Daredevil, a disability like #nojunkmound may in fact be a superpower. He pommels Cowall to death and secures the loyalty of his crew, as well as a feel-good self-discovery film, “How Theon Got His Balls Back.”

"Call me Teflon Theon."

Let us detour to Winterfell, because it’s where my bestest and most favourite sequence of this episode took place, and I just want to revel in it with you all.

I speak, of course, of the Most Timely and Justified Downfall of Lord Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish.

For starters, a hearty congratulations and “I’ve never been so happy to be wrong” to all of you who were convinced Sansa and Arya were playing Littlefinger. Too many scenes between the pair of them last episode seemed to take place away from his prying eyes, and the sisterly tension appeared real. Even this week, when Sansa sought Littlefinger’s counsel on what might be motivating Arya to dig up evidence of her disloyalty to House Stark, I was worried. Playing the game of “Assume the worst” seemed to strike a nerve with the elder sister, particularly as she ruminated on Arya’s skills as a Faceless Man.

In my defence, it wasn’t that I underestimated the intelligence and cunning of the Stark sisters. But Bran had been nowhere to be seen last episode, he didn’t seem to be putting his spooky greensight powers to good use, and of course, Littlefinger always was the master manipulator. I think that my concerns were justified in context.

And besides, it made the eventual reveal SO much more satisfying. Sansa called for Arya to be brought before her in the Great Hall. There she sat, with Bran at her side (finally!), the northern houses gathered around the room, and Littlefinger off in his usual sneaky corner.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Arya. Oh no! I thought.

“You stand accused of murder. You stand accused of treason. How do you answer the charges…. Lord Baelish?”

In the same moment, all the oxygen was sucked out of the room, and rushed back into it. Every line on Baelish’s smug stupid face changed, and Sansa and Arya, if it was even possible, got ten thousand per cent more badass.

“My sister asked you a question,” Arya purred, like a cat about to pounce on a ripe mouse.

As Sansa hurled accusation after accusation at him, about Ned and Catelyn and Lysa and Tyrion and BOO HISS Ramsay Bolton, Baelish seemed to experience the stages of grief in lightning quick succession. Shock and denial was quickly followed by crocodile tears of anguish and some “Wait, but what about all the nice things I’ve done for your family?” and “Take me back to the Vale!” bargaining.

Bran played his part to perfection as well, stating with the matter of factness only a supernatural know-it-all can muster, that Baelish had betrayed Ned Stark and held a knife to his throat.

It was a relevant detail, and Arya, with a quick flash of Catspaw, returned the favour, slicing his neck wide open and letting his stupid smug creepy gross cowardly body collapse to the floor.

Beloved Throners, this was glorious. I know that for many, Littlefinger was a good villain, unscrupulous and duplicitous, shifty and sly, and a whole bunch of other words I looked up on Thesaurus.com. But you cannot deny the motherf***er got what he deserved right here. And Sansa and Arya? They were damn proud of themselves. It wasn’t quite a karaoke version of “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” but their subsequent chat on the battlements was beautiful, and symbolised a new closeness in their relationship to each other, and a reinforcement of the strength of House Stark. “When the winds come and the snows fall, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”

It’s a lesson in family teamwork that one Cersei Lannister could really do with learning. For while Cersei has railed on and on about maintaining her House, her family name and her line, she has been actively doing her absolute best to sabotage every bloody bit of it.

The final straw that broke the camel Jaime’s back comes when she tells his fightin’ generals to skedaddle out of her GIANT WAR ROOM FLOOR MAP, where they’d been busy making plans to go north and fight White Walkers.

“Yeah, nah,” Cersei tells Jaime. “It was all a f***ing ruse, mate.”

“You’re shitting me,” Jaime replies.

“I shit you not, cobber,” Cersei fires back. “Let all those northern yobbos f**k themselves up, we’ll kick back here with a coldie and some smashed avo and make sure this little bun in the oven gets his or her arse on the Iron Throne.”

I don’t know why the Lannister twins have turned into ocka Strayans, but I guess I’m in New York and miss the accent? Who knows. The point is, Cersei has played everyone again, even Jaime. She confesses that Euron’s big tanty and storm off at the Dragon Pit parly was staged, a product of secret discussions that Jaime was precluded from. Euron still wants to marry Cersei - gods know if he is aware of the baby situation - and to win her favour he will sail to Essos and ferry back the Golden Company, 20 000 mercenary soldiers, horses and a few elephants thrown in for good measure. And besides, Dany only showed up with two dragons to the parly, so there’s clearly something going on with that.

The Kingslayer is floored. All of a sudden a light bulb seems to switch on in his brain, the very same brain Cersei derided as “stupid” for not appreciating the value of money and for having “honour” and shit. But Jaime has lived his life under the shadow of his assault of the Mad King. He has always been seen as dishonourable, and it has grated at him, even when he was still entranced by his sister-lover. Now, when he thinks they’re finally doing something honourable - stopping a petty war to combat a terrifying all-encompassing one - Cersei hits the stop button.

Jaime is furious, and he cannot make Cersei see sense. “I’m all you have left! Why the f*** are you still fighting like this?” Jaime tells her he intends to keep his promise, and she accuses him of treason. He asks if she’ll have the Mountain kill him, and after an intense silence, he says he doesn’t believe her and walks away, saying “You’re dropped, you moll” (in feeling, if not actual words).

Oh Cersei, you most certainly deserved that. Despite her insistence nobody walks away from her, just like that Jaime did, and like every cool guy in a movie, he didn't look back.

We later see Jaime, clad for the first time in his life in black, atop a black horse, pull a black glove over his golden hand and ride north - just as snow starts to fall on the capital. It's literally a black and white moment - Jaime is done. Where to now? Off to join the campaign at Winterfell? Apologise to Bran and have some bro time with Tyrion? Gods forbid... hook back up with Brienne?

Guess what Jaime Lannister? You’re back in the good books! To be fair, we’ve loved you since you lost your hand and gained a bit of sense during your time with Brienne, but since you’ve been back with Cersei we’ve wavered a bit. The incest thing is kinda gross. And hey, look, you’ve schtupped your sister for 25 years, pushed Bran out the window to hide it, and done all manner of other bad stuff, BUT IT’S OK JAIME. People make mistakes and can LEARN from them. I’m sure even Bran would accept now he had to go through that experience to become the Three-Eyed Raven. That’s not too desperate and probably quite offensive justification on my part, is it?

Besides, perhaps the show has a quota for how many incestuous couples it can feature at any given time. BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT A NEW ONE HAS JUST STEPPED UP.

THE INCIDENT begins when Samwell Tarly turns back up at Winterfell to help in the fight to come. He pops in to see Bran, who remembers him well.

"I see dead people."

They get to chatting about Jon, and Bran says it’s time for Jon to learn the truth about who he is; a Targaryen bastard to Lyanna Stark with the surname Sand, because he was born in Dorne.

But wait! Sam then reveals that in fact Rhaegar annulled his first marriage and subsequently lawfully married another woman. Way to go, Sam, you want to give Gilly some credit for making that discovery? The one you initially ignored? Flipping heck, why don’t you just go work in Silicon Valley, dude.

Anyway, hearing this sends Bran off on a greensight expedition to confirm that yes, in fact, Rhaegar and Lyanna tied the knot under a tree, it was very romantic, they did a wreck the dress photoshoot afterwards and the reception was at a golf club, very nice.

He then fasts forward to Jon’s birth at the Tower of Joy and hears Lyanna tell Ned “His name is Aegon Targaryen”. Well, f***, it’s just all been confirmed now, hasn’t it? What are the internet conspiracy theorists going to do now? Their lives will be so empty. Hopefully they won’t turn to trolling or Neo-Nazism, that’d be great. At least “Aegon” is better than that stupid rumour his name would be “Jaeharys” because f*** off.

Couldn't they just have a quiet, fully clothed chat?

Anyway, as all of this flashback is happening, we see a cut of Jon entering Dany’s cabin onboard her flagship, before a subsequent cut of him entering ...well, Dany herself.

I’m SORRY to be CRUDE but I was NOT expecting THAT LEVEL OF NUDITY from GAME OF THRONES.

The voiceover is literally going “Oh wow, he’s a Targaryen” at the exact moment we see him having BOAT SEX with the ONLY OTHER TARGARYEN ON THE SHOW.

Maybe they’re setting up a conflict in which Jon discovers this heritage and feels a little squeamish about it all. Dany might not be so concerned. But even if Jon doesn’t touch her again with a 30 foot barge pole (or any of his other poles, thank you very much), the damage may very well be done.

For Jon and Dany had had a nice little conversation in the Dragon Pit about the legacy of the Targaryens, and how the dragons’ demise and de-evolution into tiny creatures before dying out altogether was a risk in the now given Dany’s inability to have children.

“Who told you that?” Jon asks.“The witch who killed my husband,” Dany replies.“Did you ever think she may not be a reliable source?”

We’re through the looking glass here, people. Not only has the Jon/Dany Boning Potential (JDBP) reached 100% likelihood, it is very likely Jon has sent his own little Targaryen/Stark hybrid swimmers upstream. It’s a TARBABYEN.

And so to deal with this shock and betrayal, I must turn to the one person in this world who understands how to throw shade in song more than any other. I speak of course, of the newly resurgent Taylor Swift. HIT IT.

I don’t like this throne of gamesI feel such jilted rageYou were my precious baeI’m a fool, no I don’t like youI know chaos is a climbThis will graph my declineYou should have been just mineYou are cruel, no I don’t like you

But you regard her, diss my ardor like I’m just some slimeI know you rose up from the dead, you were so damn sublimeYour sister’s list of names you should be on it underlinedI hate you both, screw this fire and ice

Ooh, look what you made me doLook what you made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doOoh, look what you made me doLook what you made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doLook what Jon Snow made me do

I don’t like you bent the kneeIt may have broken meI invested in your story deepKnocked me out, my emotions fleecedThe Night King comes, another day another dragon, dragonBut not for me, not for me, all I think about is shaggin’The Night King gathers, but it’ll be a bit roughWhen you might get, your aunt up the duff

You were my starter, holy martyr, loved you for all timeI know you rose up from the dead, just like Optimus PrimeI stole your sister’s list and in my blood I counter-signedCan’t even watch, let me roll the dice

Ooh, look what you made me doLook what you made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doOoh, look what you made me doLook what you made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doLook what Jon Snow made me do

I’m sorry, the old Natalie likes Season One betterWhy?Oh, BRING BACK NED!

Ooh, look what you made me doLook what you made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doOoh, look what you made me doLook what you made me doLook what Jon Snow made me doLook what Jon Snow made me do

You know I thought that would be the end. Certainly this recap feels like it’s taken several days to complete, given the jet lag, and the early morning writing, and the strange lights floating in my peripheral vision.

BUT IT WASN’T, WAS IT?

Because we could just have the hurt end there. We had to see the true beginning of the end, a literal cliffhanger, in that the eastern part of The Wall was converted into a cliff, and last I saw Tormund and Beric were hanging off it.

For movement came to Eastwatch, and Tormund and Beric were there to see Birnham Wood come to Dunsinane. Hundreds of thousands of wights stepped up to the Wall, waiting for something. Even a White Walker lieutenant came forth, spear in hand, but no sign of the Night King.

Because he had other means of transport.

Whoosh, zoom, screech - out of the sky came Viserion, in the full throes of a terrible ice addiction, roaring and sending scorching firey-ice breath across the breadth of The Wall.

The Ice Dragon Cometh.

“Run!” Tormund screamed to his fellow wildlings and crows. Mad panic descended on Eastwatch as the ice dragon belched its terrible payload, and like Berlin in ‘89, the wall came crumbling down. There was no David Hasselhoff to sing it to its rest, but that may have added insult to injury.

As the wall fell, the wight army began to move in, with the Night King riding Viserion in triumph up above. I felt sick to my stomach to see that grade-A icehole sitting smugly where Dany should be.

What made it worse is that we saw Tormund and Beric clinging to a still-standing piece of infrastructure, but what fate does this mean for them? Can they escape the wights, grab a ship and get word south, to the north? For the army of the dead has arrived. And how!

Yay! Best Moments

There were so many in this glorious episode, which really was a cracker from beginning to end.

However for me, the moment when Sansa says “You stand accused of murder. You stand accused of treason. How do you answer the charges…. Lord Baelish?” and turned towards Littlefinger off in his usual corner was SHEER JOY.

It was topped off by that charming moment afterwards when Sansa called Arya “the strongest person I know”, Arya replied that it was the nicest thing she’d ever said to her, and Sansa replied, “Don’t get used to it, you’re still annoying and weird”. BLESS THESE GIRLS.

Zing! Best Lines

The Hound was again in fine form, Tyrion was awesome, and Bronn's gag about Bronn's magic member was gold. But line of the night has to go to Samwell Tarly in conversation with Bran:

Sam: What happened to you beyond the wall?Bran: I became the Three-Eyed Raven.Sam: Ohhhhhhh……. I don’t know what that means.

Honourable mention also to Bran for responding to Sam's query "Did you see that in a vision?" by holding up a raven's scroll.

Eww, gross

I think you know.

Boo, sucks

I THINK YOU KNOW.

Precious beloved Throners, thank you so much for reading this finale recap, which is a bit special. I am currently in New York, and was able to watch the episode "live" as it went to air on HBO at 9pm Sunday night local time. We watched in the bar of our hotel as the rooms didn't have HBO! It was a great experience as there were a fair few people who had been tipped off - and I was probably the loudest among them!

I have subsequently recapped through the night and it is 6.30am as I file this. This has been an epic season, and this episode particularly so. A massive thank you to Steph who has helped me with some screenshots, more of which will be uploaded later after I've had some sleep. And a huge thank you to all of my Patreon supporters, without whom I would not have the spirit to recap this mighty finale!

she_jedi is gonna tell you...

Posted August 29, 2017

FormerlyKnownAsSimon ducks in to say...

i'm sure i've seen abs in Rick and Morty. Maybe not in the Cronenberg version of them but still shirts off somewhere along the line.
I've appreciated the GOT recaps - i got waylaid back at season 3 then gave up. Read the books so was kept up to speed in the alternate GOT story thread by reading these recaps. Almost makes me want to track down the last few seasons just to watch to appreciate the in jokes a bit more. I figure may as well get some kind of closure on the story cause the chances of the written word being completed are pretty much zip now the live action version has almost finished.

Respond to this thread

Posted August 30, 2017

"Way to go, Sam, you want to give Gilly some credit for making that discovery? The one you initially ignored? Flipping heck, why don’t you just go work in Silicon Valley, dude."

I'm seeing this all over the place. In the scene we saw Sam dismissed Gilly before she could get to that detail. If all there was, was what we saw, then he wouldn't know the rest of the story.

I'm wondering whether she was reading a text he'd already transcribed, hence he had the detail of it already. I suspect the audience was set up with a bit of directorial misdirection to think 'Oe noes, so close!' so Benioff and Weiss could say 'Ha! Gotcha!' later.

It almost looked like his hair was out of its man bun too, spilling over those soft pillows in much the same fashion as I spilled tears throughout that whole viewing experience.

Also Jon was holding Dany’s hand a little too tightly and apparently he’s definitely in love with her now and is bending the knee and she was looking at him all lovey-dovey too and GODS I AM STILL VERY CONFLICTED ABOUT ALL OF THAT.

You see, I wanted to be Jon’s nurse, on call around the clock, dabbing tenderly at his… brow. I already have the uniform. I bought it from an adult store. Let me take your temperature, Jon. The thermometer that came with the uniform is very soothing.

The ice dragon. ARRRRGGGGHHHH. There’s the obvious tragedy of Dany losing one of her precious children and the Night King gaining a terrifying super weapon, but the same icy javelin that took the creature’s life also skewered one of the most popular conspiracy theories about Game of Thrones - that three Targaryens would ride the three dragons. I’m glad, because I never wanted Tyrion to be the other secret Targaryen, along with Jon. No sirree. Now, with only two dragons, can we expect to see Jon one day ride Rhaegal? Can we say that dragon’s name again? RHAEGAL? Named after RHAEGAR, Jon’s true father?!?!?!

Also - Sansa? Arya? YOU GIRLS BEHAVE. I did not like EITHER of you this episode, and you know I have always been in both of your corners. I also will admit to not really understanding why the HELL kind that kind of dick-swinging was going on between two young women WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER not to ape the fricking patriarchy that they have so far so gloriously defied.

Seriously, it’s like the Taylor Swift/Katy Perry feud. Or the Taylor Swift/Nicky Minaj feud. Or the Taylor Swift/Kim Kardashian feud. I can’t get onboard. It has to end. These two should be singing duets, not throwing shade. They need to SHAKE IT OFF. Also T-Swizzle needs to release some new music pronto because my topical references are getting really dated.

Oh, wait, I referenced The Neverending Story before. Let’s not kid ourselves, it’s going to be all dated pop references from your recappespondent, all the time. So let’s express ourselves, do it Gangnam Style, and bless the rains down in Aaaaaaaaaaafrica with another Raven On recap, rising like Olympus above the Serengeti.

Season 7, Episode 6: “Beyond the Wall” or I WEPT WITH JOY AND FEAR

Because “I WEPT WITH JOY AND FEAR” is not really a cohesive theme, I’ve decided to drop anchor on “Thin Ice” as a metaphor for this episode.

Clearly the literal thin ice north of the Wall was what got the Magnificent Seven into trouble in the first place - trapped on a rock in a hard place.

But figuratively, there was a lot of delicately navigating difficult subjects, from Sansa and Arya’s simmering tension over responsibility for the fortunes of House Stark and Winterfell, to Dany and Tyrion discussing love and the long-term, to Tormund questioning how the Hound got such “sad eyes”. Even the death and subsequent reanimation of Viserion showed how perilous power can be for the mightiest of players in the Great Game.

However let’s confront the thinnest ice of all head on, lest the skating send us mad. I’m speaking of course about the show’s very flexible and doesn’t-stand-up-to-much-pressure interpretation of time in Westeros.

Exactly how far did the Magnificent Seven walk out beyond the Wall before running into trouble? Exactly how fast was Gendry to Chariots of Fire it back in record time? Exactly how quickly can a raven get from Eastwatch to Dragonstone? Exactly what is the flying speed of a large airborne reptile? Exactly how long did Dany take to locate the marooned warriors in mountainous country? And while it’s not time-related, from where did the White Walkers procure a large number of dragon-weight-bearing chains?

These are the questions we must resolve to never have a satisfactory answer. But we must be like the palm tree by the seashore that bends with the cyclonic winds of plot convenience, or we shall all break under the pressure of obsessive-compulsive nerdiness.

Let us therefore take a deep breath together, as deep a breath as Jon Snow drew as he plunged into that ice hole. Oh Gods I wish he’d plunge deep into my ice hole... sorry where was I?

Magnificent Seven. Yes. Let’s start there, with a comprehensive series of male-bonding mini-sitcoms.

Everything about these walk-and-talk sequences was brilliant. Every double act was played out, and every line was a cracker. I have dubbed the group The Fellowship of the ZING.

Poor Gendry, already suffering due to his snow-ginity, was told his near-fatal interaction with Melisandre perhaps wasn’t so bad, and that Beric had actually died six times and wasn’t whinging about it. Thoros told Jorah he didn’t even remember taking part in the famous raid on Pyke because he was too drunk at the time. Tormund told Jon he didn’t like the South, to be corrected that Winterfell was in fact the North. The Hound told Tormund he hated gingers, and had “met” his intended girlfriend, and Beric and Jon had a good catch-up about their own Personal Jesus experience.

Jon is still looking for answers about why his resurrection happened, and what his purpose is, but Beric has come round to the view that Death is the Enemy, and they just have to keep fighting it while they can. And maybe that’s enough. You may not be a follower of the Lord of Light like Beric, Jon, but you can still reach out and touch faith.

Of course, this whole sequence came about because of the BARMY AF plan to seize a wight to take it back to King’s Landing to prove to Cersei there’s a bigger challenge to her rule than Dany and her dragons. The fact they are even out here at all is ridiculously risky, and while I loved every minute of it, I also couldn’t help agreeing with Tormund when he told Jon “Smart men don’t come up here looking for the dead.”

Meanwhile, what did Jon think he was doing in attempting to give Longclaw back to Jorah Mormont? Sure, he’s the son of Jeor, but he is no longer the rightful owner. And Jon, I know you’re being beautiful and brave and noble and brooding and gorgeous and sexual, but you’ve SEEN that sword in action, and you know you need it against the oncoming storm. You have no business giving it up, you’re letting me down. Next you’ll be running around and deserting me.

There was a moment, as Jorah held the Valyrian steel weapon, when betting on the “Ser Jorah is Azor Ahai” conspiracy theory jumped faster than a Neo-Nazi at a sale on polo shirts. But then Jorah handed Longclaw back to Jon, saying he deserved to pass it on to his children, and the bottom fell right back out of the market.

"Are you Beyonce? Because I think you're Destiny's Child."

Things got a bit wilder and windier as they approached the Arrowhead Mountain that Sandor Clegane had seen when he looked into the fire back in the Riverlands. Given all the banter and bro talk that had been going on, I would have been quite happy for events to turn more Brokeback Mountain, but the show had something else in mind.

BEARS!

Well, a bear. But not since Lyanna Mormont have we seen such fearsome a bear.

As an aside, the giant bear actually reminded me of Iorek Byrnison, one of the armoured talking Icelandic bears from Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy. I rarely give literary recommendations, because let’s face it an expired yoghurt has more culture than me, but it is one of the most beautiful stories ever written, and worth your time in the bland, boring months when Game of Thrones isn’t on.

Of course, this bear was not a cool fighting Scandanavian, but a blue-eyed zombie demon, who promptly snatched up a raiding party support staffer - literally a Shakesperean exit, pursued by a bear.

He turned his grizzly attention to our wandering heroes, and they battled the beast bravely; all except the Hound, who whimpered like a bad dog in the face of so much fire.

Of course the confirmation that animals too can be raised from death to fight for the White Walkers was a HUGE PIECE OF FORESHADOWING but I didn’t pick up on it because I was too worried about Thoros of Myr, who was more than gummed by the bear.

Beric cauterised the wound with his flaming sword, truly the handiest of all awesome weapons, and I couldn’t believe Thoros was still going. Obviously all that drinking made him 90 per cent (Bundy bear) proof. But the group...re-grouped, and pushed on, eventually coming across a White Walker leading a small band of wights through a mountain pass.

It seems like the perfect opportunity to fulfil their mission, so the boys lay a fire trap for the White Walker & Gang, then ambush them from behind. The zombies put up a fight, but promptly crumble into pieces when Jon very sexfully slices the White Walker lieutenant in half with Longclaw.

Hope for proof is not lost though, as a sole wight continues to GRRRR, ARRGGH at them. In an display of teamwork worthy of the WWE, Tormund tosses away his axe, clocks the zombie in the face, and the Hound jumps and pins him to the ground. The team manages to rope and cover the wight’s face, although not before the Hound rips off most of its jaw while trying to stop it from screaming.

Then it all goes quiet. Oh no, wait, that’s not quiet, that’s the rumbling sound of thousands of corpsey footsteps coming from behind them. Fearing the worst, Jon directs Gendry to get a message back to Daenarys. He then leads the rest of the party away from the pass with the surging horde of wight supremacists, and out onto a frozen lake. The ice starts to break but the group hurry to the relative safety of a rock in the middle.

Another red shirt is taken by wights, but it prompts a mass fall through the breaking ice, and leaves the rest of the wights standing in a circle on the edge of the lake, completely surrounding the stranded Seven (and diminishing support squad). An uneasy peace settles over the scene as night starts to fall.

Gendry! What are your legs? Steel springs! What are they going to do? HURL YOU BACK TO EASTWATCH!

For a moment during his through-the-night endurance event, I thought Gendry was going to be randomly attacked and murdered by a wight. I would have been royally peeved if he had been brought back after all those years and then killed without even getting his shirt off. So I was very pleased when he miraculously collapsed within dashing distance of the Eastwatch tunnel, to deliver the bad news to Davos.

The Onion Knight obviously got the bird away on a good wind, because it didn’t take long for the tweet notification to arrive @Dragonstone, and for Dany to suit up in her most fabulous figure-hugging couture winter battle coat and prepare to fly north.

We’d earlier seen Daenarys and Tyrion sitting warm and toasty like a couple of foster kittens in front of the fire in the role-playing conference room.

Dany’s giving Tyrion the backhanded compliment about how she’s glad he’s not a hero like Khal Drogo, Jorah, Maario and “even this Jon Snow” because heroes are idiots who just want to swing their… swords around to see which is biggest. Tyrion makes the point that all of the men she’s just named all fell in love with her, although she doesn’t get the Jon Snow thing.

“I suppose he stares at you longingly because he’s hopeful of a successful military alliance,” Tyrion responds drily, to which I respond LET’S NOT DISCOUNT THAT POSSIBILITY, TYRION, OK, I’M TRYING TO KEEP SOME HOPE ALIVE HERE.

How does Dany respond? “He’s too little for me.” WHAT? From my calculations, girly, you’re about five-foot-nothing so let’s not get judgy on a perfectly formed 5-foot-8 or so fella. I’m 5-foot-9, and you wouldn’t see me turning down Jon Snow. Not even if what Tormund said about his, er, icicle is true.

Also, as an Australian, why am I still measuring height in feet and inches? Because somehow, despite being able to visualise centimetres when they’re horizontal, flip them vertical and I am more lost than an ill thought out J.J. Abrams TV series.

Tyrion is more generous than he should be after this awkward exchange, and discussion turns to the differences between Cersei’s style of ruling (Fear, Fear and Fear Again) and Dany’s point of difference. Tyrion is trying to make her see that Cersei will be planning all manner of traps and foils, but Daenarys cannot simply respond in the same way. If she wants a better world, she has to plan for enemy action, but lead by example - and keep her temper in check.

“When have I lost my temper?” she asks through gritted teeth, making me wish Tyrion had a mirror he could just flash back at her. Instead, he cites the Tarly BBQ as an example, trying to impress on Dany that pragmatism and moderation in a leader is just as valuable as conviction.

He then brings up another sensitive subject, and Dany’s icy exterior cracks further. What happens after she breaks the wheel; how does it stay broken? He doesn’t mean her lack of babies is a failing; he points to the Night’s Watch and the Iron Islands systems as other examples of succession planning. He saw her fight in battle; he worried for her safety against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. He wants a plan. But Dany is being classic Elizabeth I in this scenario. Don’t mention the succession!

It’s interesting to see Dany treat Tyrion in this way. She called him brave, said he was the only Lannister whose promises she believed - and then accuses him of taking the Lannister’s side and thinking about her death a little too much. It shows that key vulnerability in Dany’s character, a fear of failure that manifests in not responding well to questions or challenges.

Later, when the rapid raven flies in, Tyrion tries to convince her not to put her personal safety on the line. “Sometimes nothing is the hardest thing to do,” he pleads. But this time, Tyrion, I’m not on your side. That’s sucky advice. Like Elizabeth I at Tilbury, Dany is not scared to don armour (or in her case, dragons) and get amongst the action. But whereas Elizabeth had to settle for watching fire ships in the English Channel (if that), Daenarys is going to go FLAME SOME MOTHERF***ING SPANIARDS I MEAN ZOMBIES.

Back at the rock, night has come and gone, and with it, Thoros of Myr. Beric bades a solemn farewell to his travel companion, drinking buddy, fighting lieutenant and personal Philosopher’s Stone. The Hound says it’s one of the better ways to go, and tries to drink the rest of Thoros’ booze. But Jon grabs it to use as an accelerant, for they must burn his body or risk him becoming a wight.

“We’ll all follow if we don’t have some fire,” says Tormund. In possibly the coolest magic trick ever, Beric pulls out his sword, flicks his hand across the base and it bursts into flame. Eat your heart out, Penn and/or Teller.

Jorah and Jon theorise that the wights’ lives are tied to the White Walkers that “created” them, leading Jorah to think that if they got all the WWs, they’d be fine. Jon insists Daenarys is their only way out, but Beric gets his last-life-fatalism on and reckons they should try to get the Night King, now perched on his skeletal horse high above the lake.

Beric hails the Lord of Light as bringing him back for this moment, to show him the way. Sandor disses all gods as c***s, and why should the Lord of Light be any different? It’s a fine slag off from the Hound, but it seems like the joke backfires.

Some time later, he throws a rock at a wight, knocking half its head off and prompting the Hound to chuckle “Dumb c***”. But who’s the dumb c*** really, when another rock lands safely on the ice, allowing the wights to realise the lake has refrozen and guess what? They all start coming for our heroes.

"And they say that a hero can save us... I'm not gonna stand here and wait.Except there are few other options really."

It’s all f***ed from this point as the wights surge forward in waves, our brave warriors fending them off one again and again. At one point, Tormund is grabbed and dragged towards a hole in the ice, the threat of death VERY present. “Not Giantsbane!” cried the world, preparing to riot should one of the series’ most brilliant characters be killed off at this point. But no, thankfully, the Hound overcomes his ginger-phobia and drags Tormund back to safety. PHEW.

The battling crew are pushed back towards the edge of their rock, and the last of the wildling red shirts falls off and is torn apart by wights. It’s basically the physical manifestation of a Twitter call-out pile on.

It’s all starting to look very grim, and the music changes from pulsating urgency to slow and ominous. There are slow motion shots exactly like during the Battle of the Bastards, when Jon was struggling to breath, and the mound of corpses was crushing him, just before the cavalry turned up…

AND THEN THE GIANT FLAMING DRAGON CAVALRY TURNED UP.

I screamed. I wept. I clapped like a bouncy toddler in front of Peppa Pig. Watching Daenarys and her crack team of fiery lizards scorch those wight supremacists was a dream come true.

RAAAWWWWWWRRRRR I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR ALSO HEAR MY DRAGONS ROAR AS THEY BURN YOU TO A CRISP MOTHERF***ERRRRRRRRS.

Ahem. I have some revenge fantasy issues I’m working through. On an unrelated note, I would be so much more inclined to attend my upcoming high school reunion if I could turn up on a DRAGON.

But, wait. My victorious feelings were….too soon.

Dany lands Drogon on the rock and the miscreant band of soldiers jump onboard. All except Jon, that is, who stays to stave off a few rogue wights, but then INEXPLICABLY keeps fighting them. Everyone is waiting for him, yelling “Jon! Get on the dragon!” (that may have in fact been my voice shouted at the TV) but still he DOESN’T GET ON THE DRAGON.

And then, that horrid, heinous, hideous Night King decides to play his trump card, which is not “fire and fury”, but instead “icy and precise”. For it turns out the Night’s King medalled in Olympic javelin throwing. He ever so calmly draws a sharp, frosty spear from its sheath, and sends it skywards so casually it might as well have been a paper plane.

ALAS AND ALACK, the spear finds its mark, a direct hit on Viserion, who goes crashing to the ground in a one-dragon recreation of the Hindenburg disaster. The howls of Drogon and Rhaegal are heartbreaking, but soon a stunned silence falls as the icy waters of the lake claim Viserion’s body.

Oh, the humanity!

Dany’s eyes are black with shock and grief, the rest of the Merry Men, all hardened fighters, look like tiny babies who’ve just had a puppy taken away from them.

"Is... is that a farm? Is he going to a farm, Mommy?"

Knowing now her life and her sweet baby Drogon’s life are in peril, Dany takes to the sky, leaving Jon behind. She pulls off a classic Maverick from Top Gun move and dodges a second spear from the Night King. The roll nearly sends Jorah plummeting, but his cohorts grab him like Cary Grant grabs Eva Marie Saint on Mt Rushmore at the end of North by Northwest and he’s OK.

But Jon? Jon is most definitely NOT ok. Surrounded by wights, the ice cracks beneath him and he plunges into the water. He returns to the surface, gasping for air, clutching at Longclaw. Somehow the frigid water didn’t shock him into paralysis, somehow exposure to the cold has not ravaged his beautiful features. He returns to solid ground, grasping his sword, holding it aloft, as the pack turns on him.

At this point Jon is dead-diddly-dead. Game over, man, game over. But he’s going to go out fighting. He’ll go down like a champion, because he has form in every sense of that expression.

But out of the darkness comes a light. A holy, golden light, spinning and whirring and knocking wights down like bowling pins. It is the magical mystical saviour that is… DEUS EX BENJENA!

Jon spent years wondering what happened to his uncle, and now here he is, out of the murky blue, riding in Gandalf style at the Battle of Hemsworth. Sorry, Helm’s Deep. I keep making that mistake and I have no abs, I mean no idea, why.

“Get on the horse,” Benjen growls. “You come too!” Jon pleads like a scared child. “There’s no time,” Benjen responds heroically. Instead, he spurs the horse carrying Jon away, and takes his spinning fire mace back into the wights, presumably to die horribly or be fully converted into zombie form.

How did Benjen manage to be there? Had he just turned up, or watched for a while before intervening? The plot convenience ice cracks a little more here, but it doesn’t stop me from loving Benjen for sacrificing his safety for my Beloved’s.

Back at Eastwatch, the dragons circle The Wall, their mournful cries ringing out over the forest. The Hound, Beric and Tormund say their farewell as the Hound prepares to take the zombie wight prize they secured - at SUCH AN EFFING COST - to King’s Landing. And Dany stares out from a parapet, hoping against hope of Jon’s return.

I thought it was going to be another Brienne-and-Sansa-candle-in-the-tower missed moment as the Mother of Dragons turned away to leave. But then, joyfully, the horn sounded, and Jon’s near-frozen body arrived atop Benjen’s horse. I hope the Night’s Watch keep that loyal and clever filly. They should make it take the Black Caviar.

Jon is groggily put to sleep below decks of a Greyjoy ship, with Davos, *gasp* pulling off his clothes *slobber* to reveal - bruised and torn, but still bare - ABS!

I'm going to need some alone time.

Oh, HBO. You’ve delivered me a beautiful, delectable, ice-cream of an episode, and then you add the six-pack of cherries on top. Thank you with all my heart and parts beyond.

Some time later Jon groggily opens his eyes (never has emerging from unconsciousness been sexier) to see Dany sitting closely by his bed, worried in a way we haven’t seen since Jorah revealed his greyscale.

I have never wanted anything more than to be that furry blanket.

Jon apologises for suggesting the mission in the first place, but Dany says she’s glad she came, because now she knows for sure. She declares they will fight the Night King and the White Walkers and all the wight supremacists together, and they hold hands, a little too long for my liking, and Jon calls her Dany, and she says “Wow, lol, no,” and he says “What about my Queen?” and cracks a joke about not being able to bend the knee, and she cries and says she will do her best to deserve it, and they’re still holding hands, fire and ice steaming up the place, and it’s all very erotically charged and I now need to write a Mills & Boon novel then shred it while crying.

Find someone who holds your hand like Jon holds Dany's.Preferably someone not related to you by blood.

It’s an amazing moment, and shows that Jon had listened to Tormund during their march earlier, when he talked about Mance Raydar being too proud to acknowledge a king, and how many men had to die because he wouldn’t bend the knee?

Jon once again is putting his people first, because he is proud, but capable of learning lessons, an important one being it’s probably for the best to be on the good side of dragons.

Although it’s going to be interesting to see how his northern lords and sisters will react. Hopefully they’ll all fly into Winterfell together and scare Sansa and Arya straight because BY THE OLD GODS THEY NEED IT.

Yes. Now that we’ve recapped the brains out of that epic adventure crazy battle stuff, let’s examine the Winterfell sequences. I wanted to look at them altogether, because they were such a change of pace from the action north of The Wall.

For starters, Arya tells Sansa an old story about how she used to secretly practice archery when she thought no one was looking - but their father was. As they stand on the balcony where Ned Stark used to watch his children, we’re reminded of how far they’ve come, and how Arya’s childhood playfulness and exuberance has been replaced with careful, deliberately chosen words and actions.

She confronts Sansa with the note she found in Littlefinger’s room, the one Sansa was forced to write under duress in the wake of King Robert’s death. Sansa tries to explain, but Arya isn’t having it. “I would have let them kill me before I betrayed my family!” she declares. In a bullish move, she accuses Sansa of being in on the plot, citing her pretty hair and dress on the chopping block.

Realising her sister had been there, Sansa strikes back absolutely rightly by saying Arya didn’t jump out of the crowds to try to save Ned, because she too was a wee bairn at the time and they don’t call it the “survival instinct” for nothing. Sansa also points out that the only reason Arya is standing in Winterfell is because Sansa and the Knights of the Vale saved the day at the Battle of the Bastards and took the castle back.

But then Arya counters by saying Sansa doesn’t want the northern lords to see the letter, in case they get the same wrong idea Arya has. Sansa said once before she’d learned a lot from Cersei, and this political instinct to control the narrative seems to be one of them.

SISTERS! Say NO to being JERKS!

Later Sansa discusses this with Littlefinger, who honestly needs to be roasted by a dragon yesterday. Still sowing the seeds of discord, he very cleverly suggests she get Brienne involved in the dispute with Arya, because she is sworn to protect BOTH Stark girls.

Sansa promptly sends Brienne off to King’s Landing to represent her at a parly with Darth Cersei. Brave, sensible, loyal Brienne tries to object, tries to suggest that Littlefinger may not be truly representing her best interests and her safety could be compromised. But Sansa brushes her concerns away and sends her packing.

This was a BAD MOVE, Sansa. Brienne is one of the truly selfless people on the damn continent, and you send her away? Do you honestly feel like you don’t need her protection - or are you more concerned about the protection she might offer Arya… against you?

Finally, we see Sansa sneak into Arya’s room, and rifle through her bag of faces. The girls had earlier said they would never know what each other survived to get to this point, and Sansa sure as hell is freaked out by the concept of the Faceless Men.

Arya very calmly grabs Catspaw and moves closer to Sansa, saying that all she could use her own face

This idea completely ignores the obvious problem that Arya could wear Sansa’s face, but not her height, and the elder Stark has a good foot or more on the younger. Surely somebody would notice that? But let’s skip over that crack, because Arya’s menacing stare down of Sansa doesn’t end with a knife in the gullet, but rather her flipping the danger over and allowing Sansa to take it. It was almost a dare, a “just try me”. I do not like ANY of this behaviour.

It’s interesting we didn’t see Bran during all this. I know he’s a bit freaky now, and slightly awkward to hang around with, but come on, Branny, this is exactly the kind of family feud situation that you could come in on with your spooky powers. “The survey says… you’re both being idiots, shut up and hug until you mean it!”

CODA.

North of the Wall, the White Walkers have been to Bunnings and sourced several kilometres’ worth of large link chains and a few hundred sausage sizzles. I’m initially distracted by the wights’ impression of Jean Valjean in the opening scene of Les Miserables and think they must be on their way to pull down The Wall or something.

But no.

The chains are in the water, and they’re dragging up the huge body of Viserion. The tender ice holds his weight long enough for the Night King to walk over and touch his poor scaly snout. The camera pans up the great head and...the dead eye opened.

IT WAS BLUE.

No good can come of this.

The ice that separated the living from the wrath of the dead just cracked wide open.

And with apologies to Robert Van Winkle - or more appropriately, to Queen and David Bowie, I present some OLD SCHOOL TERRIBLE EARLY NINETIES RAP.

Yo, King in North, let’s kick it(Ice Ice Dragon)

All right stop, annihilate and listenNight King’s back with my brand new creationSomething grabs a hold of my fancySend up my harpoon you shit your pantsiesWill it ever stop? Yo, it’s Jon SnowFighting my wights, with gustoHe’s a machine, on the rock he can handleSuits total rage just like a Trump suits a scandalTrance, we are the wreakers of doomI’m freaking them out with stillness in the hushed gloomStanding, all around, lives in jeopardyJust like what Beric said “Death is the Enemy”That one’s a dumb c*** Hound says in jestHe didn’t hit bull’s eye, that was the test

If you have an army, yo, I’ll dissolve itYou got a dragon? Well I can evolve it

Now that the battle is pumpingThough the ice is thin, the wights are just thumpingQuick to the rock, the red shirts they’re takingHumans fight back, like Buffy they’re stakingBurning them, flaming swords are nimbleBut I’m a fugitive like Richard KimbleOn the high ground, with my grouped-up posseWights on a roll and it’s time to get bossyTormund, almost goes belowBut the Hound jumps in and says hell noThe ginger is OK, more wights hit the floorDid we stop? No, we just sent moreKept on pursuing to the big rockThey’re busting guts and the scene is full of hot schlockWe’ve got ‘em trapped now they’re all gonna dieMoved in for the kill...what’s that in sky?

Fire is hot from the scaly big meanieIt’s a magic trick worthy of HoudiniDragons, not just one but threeGone to Hogwarts School of LizardryBurning, all my wights aglowA bump in the road, Dany’s coming for Jon SnowBollocks, I’ll show ‘em who’s Night KingI grab my pole for some damn good javellingTossing, that spear in the air fastThe dragon was hit, like a real blastGazumped to gazumper, the dragon is whackedIt crashes to the ground and the ice is crackedDany’s lost her sheen, you know what I meanShe flies away, and my eye’s got a blue glean

If I have a javelin, you bet I’ll involve itIf you’ve got some chains, I’ll resolve it

Oh GODS. The arrival of Dany and her dragons as all hope was being lost north of the wall was not unexpected, but BOY was it satisfying. What was unexpected, and HORRIFYING, was the Night King being able to easily throw a spear into the air with enough force to bring down Viserion in full flight - and not even break a sweat. Seriously, the Lannisters needed high-tech equipment while the Night King looked like he was at a pub darts competition.

Pretty much everything from the Magnificent Seven March, but in particular the Hound and Tormund’s exchange. I LOVED how Tormund picked up on Sandor’s meanness being learned, not innate (“You have sad eyes”), and about them having something in common (“Gingers are kissed by fire… like you.”) And of course, their banter about Brienne.

Tormund: I have a beauty waiting for me back in Winterfell, if I ever get back there. Yellow hair, blue eyes, tallest woman you’ve ever seen. Almost as tall as you.Hound: Brienne of Tarth.Tormund: You know her?Hound: You’re with Brienne of f***ing Tarth?Tormund: Well I’m not with her yet. But I see the way she looks at me.Hound: She looks at you… like she wants to carve you up and eat your liver?Tormund: You DO know her.Hound: We’ve met.Tormund: I want to make babies with her. Think of them. Great big monsters. They’d conquer the world.Hound: How did a mad f***er like you live this long?Tormund: I’m good at killing people.

This guy. MVP for ever and ever and ever and ever.

Honorable mentions to:

Jorah: I thought you were the bravest man I’d ever seen.Thoros: Just the drunkest.

And:

The Hound: (throws rock at wight, hits it in the head). Dumb c***. (Wights realise lake has refrozen and start to move in on the Magnificent Seven). Oh, f***.

Ew, gross

It’s not really gross, except that he has behaved grossly in the past, but I wanted to ask the question - Where’s Theon? We last saw him steer his little dinghy onto the beach at Dragonstone, get manhandled by Jon (jealous) and told that Dany couldn’t help him rescue Yara because she was otherwise engaged burning the f*** out of the Lannister army.

It would have made sense to have him in last week’s episode, either saying “Bye then, Greyjoys out”, or “Hey Jon, buddy, can I help with that dragonglass?” or something. This week, no sign again. Did he leave Dragonstone? Would he have gone around to the western side of the continent to take on Euron Greyjoy, who we imagine has Yara with him as he blockades Casterly Rock? Or is he just hanging out at Dragonstone somewhere with Varys and Missandei, who were also absent this episode?

Boo, sucks

The reanimation of Viserion into the Night King’s new pet was horrid, but nothing had me more despondent this episode than rapidly disintegrating relations between Sansa and Arya.

WHAT THE HELL CAN HAPPEN NEXT WEEK?

By the Old Gods and the New, Beloved Throners, that was an almighty episode. I feel as exhausted as Gendry after his punishing run, and I've only sat here and typed. A special thanks to Stu and Brittany for taking the journey with me this episode, and of course to all my Patreon subscribers for actually backing me with your hard-earned cashola. I get through because you are my Deus Ex Benjena, throwing me on the horse and slapping me on my way. Special kudos to Vanessa MacB, Barney J, Kostas S, Rachelle R and Amanda G, and if you'd like to join them, click here. Next week's recap will come to you from New York City - I'll be watching live as it goes out on Sunday night US time, and recapping into the early hours of Monday morning. Send me your best wishes, because I have a feeling it's all going to be a little crazy!

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Posted August 22, 2017

Can I say Dany was channeling the Dinsey Frozen line in outfits tonight, looking fabulous and launching a thousand cosplays.

I try not to quibble too much about the many inconsistencies which we can agree there are many, after all it's a show with Dragons, fireproof people, the undead, three eye Ravens and a world where no one has knifed Littlefinger but why for frack sake did all but ONE wright dissolve other than for the God of narrative convenience.

Rhino is gonna tell you...

Posted August 25, 2017

Maybe only the one's that he raised dissolved. That sacrificial one was one added to the undead platoon at the last second, cause, you know, Harry was out on sick call. Maybe?

Rhino ducks in to say...

Posted August 25, 2017

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Posted August 25, 2017

God, I love me some Nat recap action.

But, I am forced to repeat my unloved FB comment here: as much as I enjoyed the banter of the Walking Magnificent Seven and Couple a Red Shirts, I think that it was a wasted 30 minutes that did nothing to move things forward. That's 7.14% of all the minutes that we get this year. Seems a waste for some fan service.

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Respond to 'GoT S7E6 Raven On Recap: Beyond the Wall'

THAT, my Beloved Throners, is how you make a reappearance four seasons after we last saw you. Quit your job no questions asked, kill two guys with your mighty f***ing warhammer, ignore Davos’s advice to play it cool and just f**ing bro up with Jon Snow.

Welcome back, Gendry. I don’t even mind that you had your shirt on.

Davos’ recruitment of the last Baratheon bastard turned out to be everything I ever wanted. To misquote Homer Simpson, I’m a white woman, aged 18 to 49, and (finally) everyone listens to me: Jon and Gendry, together at last!

And not just Jon and Gendry either… but Ser Jorah! No sooner back at Dragonstone than off with Jon and Gendry to meet up with Tormund Giantsbane and the Brotherhood Without Banners to create THE MAGNIFICENT F***ING SEVEN IN FURS.

I am honestly so turned on right now I can’t even think straight.

If there’s one thing sexier than a wild-man-goes-yonder adventure, it’s seven wild men bonding over freezing temperatures, a desire for prophetic fulfilment and fighting wight supremacists.

Someone else who’s having quite the bromance is Darth Cersei, who is now UP THE DUFF thanks to her twin. Yes, Jaime may have sunk in that lake, but not before his swimmers hit their target. SPLOOSH.

Why in Westeros does Cersei think pumping out another little Simba for his own inbred Lion King crowning moment is a good idea? Incestuous breeding DOES NOT WORK OUT WELL FOR YOU PEOPLE.

Hey Sam Tarly, do you want to SHUT THE FUDGE UP and start LISTENING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND for once? You completely missed that golden ticket of a Targaryen truth bomb she laid out for you because you were too busy feeling like you weren’t the toughest Oompa-Loompa in the Chocolate Factory.

You know what happens to “great men”? They get torched, like your little brother. Yes, vale, vale, to Dickon, a hunky young man on the cusp of great heroism and ab-worship. Oh Dickon, cut down in your prime. I guess you’ve been Lorena Bobbitted. Or technically John Bobbitted. I can’t remember, I was very young at the time and my father giggled too much whenever that news story popped up.

With that vague early 90s reference, let’s put on our Girlfriend-style flower hats, watch a Yahoo Serious film (not the good one), laugh at Paul Keating’s parliamentary insults and get cracking on another installment of Raven On, the only Game of Thrones recap series that loves being flogged with a warm lettuce.

Season 7, Episode 5: “Eastwatch” OR “You’re Fired”

Davos’ pro-active recruitment style wasn’t the only management technique on display this episode. The whole hour was like getting stuck in the reference section at Dymock’s with somebody who’s just been on professional development course. After extensive research into this field (ie, I googled “management techniques” because not all heroes wear capes) I can attest to a number of different styles in play.

You’ll have to bear with me of course, because I did an arts degree, not some high-falutin’ business course, so my definitions might not be 100% correct. In my own life, I can’t even manage four foster kittens. One of them refuses to actually poop in the litter tray. Right outside the tray, sure, but not in it. It’s prompted a unique management style I call “eccentric screaming”.

So I often I wish I could be a little bit more like Daenarys Targaryen, who commands her pets easily, and has a “directive” style of management. That’s a nice way of saying “dictatorial”, except I wouldn’t say that because I am not jumping on the “Dany is an unshakeable bully” bandwagon just yet.

But Tyrion, as we know, wields his art of kompromat in deliberate brushstrokes. He’s visibly unsettled by the battlefield of ashes, and attempts to make some sort of amends by trying to convince Daenarys not to burn Randyll and Dickon Tarly alive simply for being faithful to Cersei Lannister. You know, the one they switched their allegiance to after breaking faith with Olenna Tyrell.

But like a rejected Bachelor contestant signing up to be the next Bachelorette, Dany is determined to get as many men as possible on bended knee.

“Join or die,” she offers, in her best Benjamin Franklin impersonation.

“Nuh-uh,” says the elder Tarly. He cites the fact that Cersei was born in Westeros as a chief reason for staying loyal to her. He clearly doesn’t remember Dany was born on Dragonstone, which is an island of Westeros, and she never renounced her citizenship. She is totally eligible to run for parliament and/or Queen.

In a last ditch effort to stay the execution, Tyrion suggests Dany send Tarly Senior to the Night’s Watch, where his military expertise would be invaluable.

It’s at that moment that you remember Randyll Tarly was the asshole who banished his eldest son Samwell to Castle Black because he was too fat and too sensitive to be a “good” heir of Horn Hill. He is not a nice person. So yeah, maybe I don’t mind him being punished.

Randyll wants none of it anyway, given that Dany isn’t his queen. Dany respects his code of honour, and enforces her own, which is a lot more burn-y than Randyll’s.

She doesn’t even relent when Tarly’s son tries to show her his big Dickon and challenges her to burn him too. “No probs,” she replies.

Tyrion grows ever more angsty with this excessive force, but it’s no use. Dany’s near-whispered “Dracarys”, is not as showy as Donald Trump’s “You’re fired!” but the effect is far more literal. Drogon incinerates the Tarly pair, like so many Bond villains with lasers.

"No, Mr Tarly, I expect you to die!"

Ironically, the conflagration pours cold water on any other notions of honour in the remaining Lannister soldiers. Like Boyz II Men, they’re down on bended knee. They’ll never walk again, oooh.

Later, Tyrion and Varys ponder their mutual concerns about Dany’s lineage and how best to manage her temperament. She’s not her father, totally not, absolutely not, final, full stop, never again, cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple. But she perhaps needs guidance towards a more “affiliative” management style, creating harmony between queen and subjects, remembering to put people first, and deadly-conquest-by-any-means-necessary second.

The moment inspires some self-reflection about the evil that can flourish when good men - or even morally ambiguous men - do nothing. Varys escaped the Mad King’s wrath by catching traitors for him to kill. He didn’t pull the trigger. He was just following orders. How then can they assuage their consciences and steer Dany away from that point of no return?

It’s telling that this scene is the first in a while that we’ve seen Tyrion have a drink. Just to take the edge off.

Meanwhile, by warging into a murder of crows soaring above and beyond The Wall, Bran is having what you might call a “blue sky” brainstorming session, except Winter is Here so it’s more of a “bleak sky” session.

In a beautiful piece of visual effects magic, you feel almost at one with the birds, cruising at high altitude on cold northern winds. Then they crest a hill and OH FLIPPING HECK THAT’S A LOT OF ZOMBIES.

It only takes a moment for the Night’s King to glance up at them, and they scatter, squawking madly all the while and breaking Bran’s wifi connection.

“Ravens,” he tells his Maester, “We’re going to need to send ravens”. I hope they’ve got big scrolls for lots of writing because given Bran’s tone, HE’S GOING TO NEED A BIGGER QUOTE.

Jon Snow’s been busy digging dragonglass out of the Dragonstone reserves, which I would have thought warranted a slow-motion shirtless shovelling montage, but apparently my Beloved is too busy hanging around windswept cliff tops which I guess is an OK substitute.

*Best Attenborough voice* A rugged landscape for a rugged man.

That’s where Jon is when Dany flies back in on her chartered dragon, with Drogon landing right in front of him. He takes off his glove (GASP, I’ll take Jon Snow taking off anything) and has a proper How To Train Your Dragon poster moment with the big lizard.

"Well, you sure as hell ain't Toothless."

Dany looks upon this with some interest. Nobody has ever touched her dragon before, not even Maario, and he touched everything else. But she doesn’t seem overly concerned and the whole "Could Jon have the Blood of the Dragon?" question never comes up. Instead Dany brags about how beautiful her kids are (yes, parents, all your children are the most beautiful YAWN) and how sometimes you have to show your strength to help people, using the not-quite-the-same example of how Jon defeated Roose Bolton.

There’s an interesting moment when Dany presses Jon further about that whole “knife to the heart” comment Davos made, but the tension is left hanging because they’re interrupted by the return of Ser Jorah, cured of greyscale (now full colour) and ready to kill for his Khaleesi.

Dany is genuinely moved by his reappearance, and their interactions are one of the highlights of this episode. Ser Jorah no doubt still adores the young queen, but seems happy to simply accept her friendship and trust, which she is thrilled to bestow. Jon eyes Jorah off with some trepidation - after all, he’s carrying what should be Jorah’s family sword and there’s obviously a story there. But soon he has bigger fish to fry.

For the scroll that Varys and Tyrion had not-so-secretly intercepted was from Winterfell, which revealed Jon had not one but THREE siblings now waiting for him back home.

At a conference meeting in the Dragonstone boardroom, Jon tells Dany she can bloody well get stuffed if she thinks he’s just going to sit around looking pretty for her (exactly, my love, you only look pretty for me).

He needs to get back home and prepare for an epic battle, and presses Dany once again to join him. She’s still in Operation Defeat Cersei mode, so it’s a no from her until that happens.

But then, despite his last plan going about as well as Napoleon’s circa 1815, Tyrion has got another idea.

What if they could PROVE to Cersei that the whole “We’re about to be consumed by an all-powerful army of the dead” wasn’t just a fantasy? What if they captured a wight supremacist and brought them face to undead face with the Lannister Queen? Would she finally accept they had bigly problems and maybe do something about this alt-threat?

No, of course she won’t, but I guess they don’t know that and they’re holding on to any shaft of hope they can get.

Jorah gallantly volunteers to go beyond the Wall and catch one, and Jon states the Free Folk will help him lead the raiding party. Davos bridles at the idea of the King in the North putting himself in harm’s way, but Jon insists only he has the zombie tracker know-how to bring down a wight.

“I didn’t give you permission to leave,” Dany says, with a catch in her throat.

“Stuff youse all,” he replies. No, of course he doesn’t. Instead he gives a rousing, beautiful speech about how he had come to Dragonstone and trusted a stranger, and now implored Dany to do the same. GOD HE IS SO SERIOUS AND BROODY AND CONSUMED WITH MORAL RESPONSIBILITY. My heart can’t take much more of it.

Tyrion declares that as only Cersei listens to Jaime, he has to try to meet with his brother, which means sneaking in to King’s Landing, which means it’s the Onion Knight’s time to shine!

Davos successfully sails Tyrion in a little boat to a cove near the capital, but warns the Hand of the Queen he can be of no use should there be any trouble.

In the capital, Jaime has the horrible task of informing his sister-lover-queen of their army’s annihilation at the hands of the Dothraki and breath of the dragon.

Still covered in the ashy remainders of his fellow soldiers, Jaime knows their chances of beating Dany’s forces, even with hired mercenaries, is slim. Cersei points out he killed Dany’s father and she sits on his throne, so the chances of a successful peace deal are even slimmer.

Jaime also comes clean about the truth behind Joffrey’s murder - that it was Olenna, not their brother, what done him in. Cersei doesn’t want to believe it, but when Jaime points out how much easier Tommen would be to control, she knows he is right.

"If you freeze frame, you can see the exact moment where shegot even more batshit furious insane crazy mad."

She wishes she'd been more forceful about making Olenna's death painful, but Jaime reminds her that their whole house is gone, so no use fantasising about what might have been.

Later, Bronn convinces Jaime he has to undergo more sword training with his non-golden hand. They march deep into the dungeons, Jaime bitching the whole way. But it turns out it’s all a set-up so Tyrion can speak to his brother. AWWWW, bless. Despite turning his back on the Lannisters, Bronn doesn’t see his former road trip buddy as an enemy. Also Tyrion probably paid him to do it.

Jaime is of course angry at his little brother, having previously threatened to cut the half-man, well, in half. Tyrion himself gets rightly righteous when Jaime brings up the whole “you killed our Dad” thing. Tywin was going to have Tyrion executed even though he knew he was innocent of Joffrey’s murder, just because he hated his dwarf son. Both brothers really do have grievances, but right now Tyrion has an message from the Dragon Queen, and it seems the Lannister brothers can still negotiate when it counts.

After his meeting, Jaime returns to Cersei, who seems remarkably upbeat about the revelation her sworn enemy/sibling was in town.

She is, as expected, dismissive of the idea that White Walkers and grumpkins and snarks (oh my!) are marching south with the ferocity of one of my foster kittens devouring a liver treat. But ever the pragmatic completely self-absorbed narcissistic cow, she spies an opportunity.

Sucking up to Daenarys at this point might lure her into a false sense of security, which could play into Cersei’s hands in the future. And besides, Cersei has another consideration - HER UNBORN CHILD.

Do you know, it’s a sign of how infrequently I read women’s magazines that I did not even consider the option of Cersei getting knocked up. Surely if I had read the Westerosi Women’s Weekly, there would have been some article quoting sources or insiders or pals about a tell-tale baby bump.

But of course it was a possibility - she is older but not menopausal, for crying out loud. And she and Jaime have been reunited enough to do the (particularly) nasty on many occasions.

As she embraces a proud (although gods know why) Jaime, Cersei then slips into the managerial guise of Lumbergh from Office Space, with a wine goblet instead of a coffee cup.

“Yeah, I’m going to need you to go ahead and not betray me again. Did you get my memo? If you could just not betray me again, that’d be great.”

We love you Jaime, we just hate what you're doing.

It’s lucky Cersei had this change of heart about consorting with Tyrion before stationing a phalanx of goldcloaks on the stairs to Davos’ special cove.

As it was, just two guards turned up to quiz Davos on why he was there. And when they became a problem, they were swiftly dispatched by GENDRY AND HIS AMAZING TECHNICOLOUR WARHAMMER.

Ah, yes, Gendry. When Davos said “I’ve got business in Fleabottom” I shrieked and almost bit my lip. Oh look, it’s the Street of Steel. Oh look, it’s a smithy. Oh look, it’s carefully position shots of newly forged swords being pounded into shape. Oh look, it’s a very shapely back.

OH YES YES YES IT’S GENDRY!

He’s been hiding in plain sight, not rowing (great gag though, Davos). When Seaworth furrows his brow and starts asking if he’s ready to take on a bigger challenge, to place himself in grave danger, to face almost certain death… Gendry interrupts with a simple YEP RIGHT LET’S GO.

It turns out the Baratheon bastard has been biding his time making swords for Lannisters, all the while waiting for his destiny to arrive. He’s right to go straightaway, and he’s bringing his HUGE F***OFF WARHAMMER with him, which is extra special because THAT’S WHAT HIS DADDY FOUGHT WITH. I actually wept tears of joy and horniness.

I'll be your nail, baby.

The scene in which Davos cleverly and cunningly pays off the Gold Cloaks, then offers them fermented crab viagra and shooshes them off to a brothel was a hilarious comic vignette, due in part no doubt to the presence of comedian Kevin Eldon.

We’d seen Gendry’s hammer and thought “Surely those two HAVE to be dead”. But it was only when Tyrion, the dwarf who looms a bit too large, arrived on the scene, did Gendry have to literally swing into action. I may have laughed heartily at that final exchange between Davos and Tyrion: “This is Gendry.” “He’ll do.”

Up in Winterfell, Sansa is attempting what I believe is called “participative” style management, where you “encourage employee input into decision-making”. This is what’s happening as Lord Glover and Lord Royce yap yap yap at Sansa about Jon staying at Winterfell and not taking off on some risky venture north of the Wall.

Arya, who’s been watching her sister play Lady of Winterfell, is much more of a “pacesetting” manager, the kind of boss who’s happy to perform tasks personally and expects workers to follow her example. In this instance, Arya thinks Sansa should have defended Jon more as King, and the feelings of valuable allies be damned.

Sansa encourages Arya to speak her mind, but it’s not a nice declaration: Arya implies Sansa wants Jon’s job, and is just humouring the northern lords so if something happens to Jon, they will back her in. “How can you say such a thing?” Sansa asks. “Because you’re thinking it now,” replies Arya.

At this point I would just like to say to the Stark sisters what my mother would tell me when I fought with my brother and declared him THE MOST HORRIBLEST PERSON EVER.

“Now, come on, you’re each other’s best friend. You love each other really. Stop all this nonsense, or I’ll get the wooden spoon.” She never hit us with the wooden spoon, you understand, she’d just hit the walls as she marched up the corridor, and it was so funny we’d all forget we’d been fighting and just laugh.

My brother doesn’t watch Game of Thrones, so he’s unlikely to read this. But we now get together once a week and he trains me how to box, so maybe there’s a way for Arya and Sansa to get along after all. And if they don’t stop this nonsense, I’ll get the wooden spoon.

Of course Baelish only has one management style and that’s ME ME ME ME ME. Ugh, he’s so skeezy. Luckily Arya is onto him, stalking him like the shadow she is, watching him receive information from a young woman, and converse with Lords Glover and Royce.

She then spies him receiving a scroll from the new Winterfell Maester, who confirms it as “the only copy” in the castle. Baelish thanks him on behalf of Sansa (SCOWL) and briefly enters his room to hide it. Arya, ever resourceful, picks his lock and goes searching for the parchment. She finds it, eventually, hidden in a hole in his mattress, and I don’t even want to think about how many holes Littlefinger has in his mattress and for what reason.

I took a screenshot of the scroll, and it appears to be the one Sansa sent Robb after Baelish betrayed Ned, and Sansa fell under Cersei’s control. There was a mention of Ned Stark attempting to overthrow Joffrey, and a call for Robb to pledge allegiance to the evil boy-king.

Having possession of this scroll is useful to Baelish because it would help keep secret the fact that he was directly responsible for Ned Stark’s capture and death. Robb knew straight away the scroll contained “Cersei’s words”, but will Arya? Will she work out Baelish’s betrayal, or will she take it as evidence Sansa is not to be trusted?

One thing’s for sure - Baelish is onto her. That doesn’t scare me too much, because Arya has skills and Catspaw and Littlefinger has over-confidence and a soft gullet. But I do worry somewhat about him using the fact that Arya is onto him against her with Sansa. And the only way I know how to deal with that is IN PARODY SONG.

Last week she got homeReunited with her clanThere was the sister she thought she knewPlaying host to a skeezy manShe kept her cool, she ain’t no foolShe stalked him ‘round all WinterfellBroke into his hotel roomShe’s not the type to yell

So take a letter, AryaMight get you into strifeBut if Baelish tries somethingI hope you stab with your knife

She’s been many things but most of allA good adversary to jerksAnd it’s times like this I wish she’d justGive Baelish the f***ing worksWas she wrong to track himSee the dirt he’s trying to getHopefully we’ll get to seeNot just Lannisters pay their debts

So take a letter, AryaDon’t think it’s Sansa’s faultThat girl’s been through the wringerThose wounds don’t need salt

Because a girl was No OneIt’s hard to understandWhy she’d want to hold back fromStabbing that creepy manI want to tell you truthfullyAnd this will sound quite bluntHe may have a little fingerBut he’s simply a massive c***

So take a letter, AryaBut watch out for your back‘Cause Baelish saw you sneak inHe’s gonna want to attack

Oh take a letter, AryaA conclusion you can drawIf Baelish gives you troubleDon’t forget your Catspaw

In Old Town, the Maesters have formed a collaborative sub-committee on how to deal with Bran’s news that Westeros is about to get an ice-cap in its ass. There are more old white guys in robes than at a Klan rally. We may as well dub them the Freemaesters. I bet they have a secret handshake and know who Jack the Ripper was, you just wait and see.

Sam realises they’re talking about Bran and begs the Freemaesters to take his message seriously. Sam’s seen the army of the dead, he knows it’s for realsies. He says given their esteemed role in the workings of Westeros, the Freemaesters should tell everybody to get ready to send their armies north to defend the realm, and to spend every moment finding a permanent cure for the White Walkers in the Citadel’s substantial database.

But Maester Jim Broadbent thinks it could also be a trick played by Daenarys to create a distraction and allow an easier invasion. Another one dismisses it all as “magic birds talking to cripples”. When Sam leaves, we discover all the Freemaesters know Sam’s brother and father just got barbequed, but Maester JB just doesn’t have the heart to tell him. BOO PISH YOU STUPID OLD MEN.

"Will no one help a widow's son? Seriously, Sam's mother is a widow now."

Later that evening, Gilly reads interesting bits of trivia about the Citadel and some of its maesters while Sam continues to study. The Citadel has 15 782 steps, apparently, and one of the maesters used to record his bowel movements. Also, this one particular maester performed - what’s it called - an “annulment” on some chap named Prince Rhaegar and married him to another woman at the same time----

“SHUT UP GILLY I’M HAVING FEELINGS AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTFUL AND INTELLIGENT AND PROBABLY VERY USEFUL FACTOIDS” blasts Sam, in a rare moment of un-Samliness.

Fed up with recording the adventures of greater men and yearning to be something more, Sam raids the Citadel for as many dusty scrolls and ominous tomes as he can, then loads his family into a wagon and takes off for gods know where.

Sam’s gonna realise pretty soon that one way he could be a great man is to recognise the great woman working right beside him. I’m fairly certainly any lady reading who’s experienced male co-workers ignoring or dismiss your ideas would have been urging Gilly to clock Sam in the face.

Back at Dragonstone, Ser Davos tries to introduce Gendry to Jon as “Clovis, A Simple Blacksmith” but is undone when Gendry forges right ahead with “Hey I’m Robert Baratheon’s bastard, and our Dads were friends, so let’s be friends and go fight some zombies.”

It was a gorgeous encounter, particularly when Jon said Gendry was leaner than King Robert, and Gendry replied that Jon was shorter than Ned. Jon looked stunned before cracking his BEAUTIFUL WRY SMILE that once he realises I exist, will surely reserve only for me.

Dany comes to say goodbye, and her embrace of Jorah is so touching. Mostly because they are touching, which is obviously something they couldn’t do back when he had that infectious disease. Jon tells her if he doesn’t make it back, at least she won’t have to deal with the King in the North, and she replies that she’s grown used to him NAWWWWWWW. I loved the sentiment but also they’re related and I’m still working out how I feel about the JDBP (Jon/Dany Boning Potential).

"You are beautiful, but I could never take you away from the Mother of Kittens."

A mere paddle later, and we see Jon’s crew pulling up at Eastwatch, a part of the Wall we’ve never seen before. It’s run down, and heavily exposed to the elements. It’s possibly the most unappealing place we’ve seen in the show, and remember, we also saw Baelish’s bedroom this episode. Shudder.

It’s only been two episodes since we last saw Tormund Giantsbane, but by crikey I’ve missed his bushy red beard and literal nature. “I’m staying behind, I’m a liability,” says Davos, to which Tormund replies “Yes. You are.” Tormund for Earth President.

After accepting Jon’s need to go north of the Wall with minimum questioning, he makes the startling revelation that they’re not the only ones seeking to punish themselves in the glacial conditions. The Brotherhood Without Banners got caught trying to sneak in, and Tormund’s been holding them in the castle cells, without even any booze, much to Thoros’ dismay.

It was such a strange reunion, the odd surroundings belying so many faces familiar to each other. Jon recognised the Hound, Jorah recognised Thoros, and Tormund realised Jorah was the son of the Mormont who’d hunted Free Folk down. Beric attempted a fine speech about the mission the Lord of Light had placed on them, but Gendry warned about trusting the people who had sold him to Melisandre to be sexed upon then murdered.

Eventually it was Jon who declared their past differences held no sway anymore. By reminding everyone that they’re all on the same side against the White Walkers, Jon Snow proved himself a “coaching” style of manager, the sort of person who develops the individual strengths of his employees as a way to improve their performance.

I just want to add, Jon, my Beloved, that I am happy to report you every day for gruelling physical training and an invigorating groin rub. Honestly, you can Arsene my Wenger any day.

And then, it was time for the boys to SUIT UP and become the North’s answer to THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN. Play the song, people! There were no horses, to be sure, but the furry snowsuits were animal enough for this Mother of Kittens. MEEEEE-OW.

*Dead*

Yay! Best Moments

The whole final sequence at Eastwatch, with Tormund interrogating Jon as to why he wants to go North, which queen he intends to convince (“The one with dragons, or the one who f***s her brother?), telling Davos he’s a liability and why they didn’t bring “the big woman” along (NAWWWWWWWW), was pure gold.

There was also a charming moment between Tyrion and Jorah, where a coin was exchanged for luck. It was another reminder of how many of these characters have popped in and out of each other's lives over the years - and a hope they will again.

Zing! Best Lines

Tyrion: Who’s that for?Varys: Jon Snow.Tyrion: Did you read it?Varys: It’s a sealed scroll for the King in the North.Tyrion: (after a long pause) What’s it say?Varys: Nothing good.

And of course, Davos to Gendry in the forge - “I thought you’d still be rowing”. Honestly, the only way they can outdo that gold medal fan service is MAKE JON SNOW BE SHIRTLESS A LOT MORE.

Ew, gross

Cersei’s preggers by her brother. For the fourth time. And she’s not even planning to hide the fact that Jaime is the father. Grossssssssss.

Boo, sucks

Bronn saving Jaime from the lake in that very first scene simply because “until I get paid, only I’m allowed to kill you” was CLASSIC Bronn. I thought for certain Jaime was going to end up as Dany’s prisoner after the loot train battle, but I’m glad Bronn was there as a hired buddy. I loved every moment he was onscreen, including his deceiving Jaime into meeting with Tyrion under the guise of training in the dungeons. So you can imagine why Cersei’s throwaway line “I’m going to punish him” because he set up that meeting makes me VERY NERVOUS.

----

After last week’s epic loot train battle, it was amazing to have this almost-recovery episode as a palate cleanser. Not that it was boring by any means - House Tarly literally went up in smoke, Cersei got a bun in the oven, Gendry got hammered, and people were criss-crossing Westeros all over the place.

The final assembly of the Eastwatch Avengers was spine-tinglingly glorious, and sets up the mighty snow battle hinted at in the pre-season trailers. Given the pace at which the show is now running, it seems fitting that this will take place next episode. Will they bring back a wight as proof for Cersei? Will Cersei play her trump card now, her pregnancy? As much as Dany hates Cersei, I cannot see her wanting to murder a pregnant woman, given her own experiences and desire to help women over the years.

Will Sam and Gilly be safe, wherever they go, and will Sam actually listen to Gilly? And what of that nugget of information, which seems to prove that not only was Jon the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, but that they were married? Dany may have grown used to Jon, but will she be as friendly if she finds out he’s a direct rival? And does this place him right back in the centre of thinking as to "Who is Azor Ahai?" - the ultimate song of ice and fire?

Thank you for bearing with me through another exceptionally lengthy recap, beloved Kittens. A special head scratch to my precious Patreon subscribers, including Fiona B, Dylan C, Sean JW, Anne R and Jim K. You are sexier than Gendry in a sweaty forge. Let us now turn our attention to discussing and dissecting in minute detail!

Posted August 15, 2017

she_jedi puts forth...

Posted August 15, 2017

I guess the kid has to reach the 9 month mark and manage to survive childbirth though. She's not menopausal, but I'm not sure that Westeros has a universal health care system and cutting edge paediatrics science available. A lot can happen in a medieval pregnancy.... :)