My First Post in Over a Year...

...Wherein the reader discovers that I am basically the same trash-talking, beer-guzzling, junk-food eating moron I was when I last posted.

Well, onwards and upwards, shall we?

Yesterday, I jogged/walked/shuffled/at one point just gave up and sprawled out flat on my back on the ground through Sausalito. Sausalito is incredibly beautiful, but hot damn if that place isn't one fucking hill after another! I'll spare you the gory details, but it wasn't a good run for me. I doubt it was very pretty for anyone who witnessed any of it, either.

In my defense, I hadn't planned on going running. I had sent a text to my running buddy to see if he wanted to run, and when I didn't hear back from him within .03 seconds, I figured I was in the clear. So, I ate lunch. Enough lunch for 6 people. And had some beer. And then the MF'er confirms that he does, indeed, want to run. In 30 minutes.

In hindsight, I should've said no. But instead, I was all, "Better make it 45, cause I gotta finish my beer first!" I'm a moron.

We decided on Sausalito. Actually, I think I pushed for Sausalito because I knew the drive over there would buy me some time. What I said:"We can run along the waterfront! It'll be so beautiful...the sun will be shining, the birds will be chirping, there will be double rainbows and unicorns around every corner. We should totally drive over there!"What I meant:"If you don't give me the 25 minutes rest it will take us to drive over there (oh God, please let there be traffic) I guarantee I will puke all over you before the 1st mile mark."

I am an excellent negotiator. We headed to Sausalito.

So, we hopped in Einstein, and while he chatted on about whatever he had done over the past few days since I had seen him last, I sat silently in the passenger seat, begging and pleading with my digestive system to hurry the fuck up, and also kindly requesting my body to overlook the fact that I hadn't had a sip of anything non-alcoholic in about 3 days.

I am ALWAYS a slow runner, but man oh man did I ever take slowness to a new level. I did manage not to puke, but only because at one point, while running up a never ending staircase, I stopped, layed (laid? I'll never get that right) down on one of the steps, and declared that this running nonsense could get fucked, from now on my hobby of choice would be napping in the sun.

I did, eventually, make it back to the car. I was a sweaty, red-faced, rapid heart beating, partly bent over, gasping for breath mess. My running buddy was all, "Hey! Great warm up! You ready to run now?"

I am an excellent negotiator. We walked to the nearest bar.

Today, we were briefly recapping the events of yesterday, and when the run part came up I offered an apology for being so freaking slow and out of shape, and thanked him for even agreeing to run with me. Then, we briefly touched upon other topics. We had moved well beyond the disaster that was my attempt at running, just chatting about our schedules, when he said:

"I gotta tell you, if you don't step it up a little, you might need to find yourself a new running partner."

Fair enough. When it comes to running, he is way ahead of me on every level. He's faster, he's in better shape, he has way way more motivation and determination. He actually has self-discipline. I mean, sure, my outfits are waaaay cuter than his, but that probably doesn't make up for me sucking in every other department. Especially since I'm so slow I'm always lagging behind him, so he can't even spend the time checking out the goods, yaknowwhatimean?

So, yeah, fair enough.

But, since my running buddy and I tend to partner up in *ahem* other areas (note to mom and dad: board games), I wasn't sure if this was a very fair, logical reaction to the difference in our running abilities, or a metaphor for this habit we have of running in the afternoon, and then waking up together the next morning (note to mom and dad: Monopoly takes forever!!).

The logical part of my brain knew this was not a comment on our relationship. But the girl part of my brain was convinced I was getting dumped. The logical part of my brain knows that the girl part is insane and should be completely ignored 95% of the time. Unfortunately, the girl part of my brain has such a LOUD voice it can be difficult to ignore it.

So, I responded the same way I always do when presented with any topic that might lead to an even slightly uncomfortable conversation: "Oh...umm...well...OK. Did you ask if I wanted coffee? Cause I would looove me some coffee right now..."

It is a great, great thing to have a running buddy who knows how you like your coffee.Uh, that's black, and to go, please.

Got my coffee, said my goodbyes, and left. And, since I was already doing the walk of shame in my running clothes I decided I might as well just go for a run. So, I ran. And I let myself have it. For jumping to conclusions. For always going straight to the worst case scenario. For putting such meaning behind a statement that actually had very little meaning behind it. For being such a fucking girl sometimes.

And then I thought about a bunch of the people and relationships in my life. It's a hot topic for me lately, the whole "what do I really want and need from the relationships in my life" question. I thought about my running buddy. I thought about some of my friends. I thought about my little brother. I thought about some acquaintances, people who are in my life right now because spending time with them is better (sometimes) than spending that time alone. I thought...I thought...I thought...always an endless circle of thoughts in my head.

And then somewhere around mile 3 it all just faded away, and I finished my run about 20 minutes later feeling great, feeling safe, trusting the Universe, and knowing that everything was going to be A OK.