Sunday, January 31, 2010

Beauty is skin deep. But, ugly goes straight to the bone. Actually, true beauty is about what kind of person you are, not how beautiful your looks are. I know some beautiful girls, but they are ugly on the inside. Am i beautiful on the inside? Thats what i want to find out.You once asked me how i felt about getting old. About aging physically. I said i didnt like it, i wasn't prepared and i didn't believe in growing old gracefully.And i feard it a lot, i feard the moment when the time came that i looked in the mirror and i couldnt see youth in me anymore.You were surprised by my blunt and honest answer. You said you knew that it was problably the way that i felt, but wouldn't have the courage to admite it. Specially to you.I know that i will have difficulty transcitioning from the beauty of my youth to living with the a face and body that will age.How will i let go of that kind of possession or obcession, specially when we live in a society that is obcessed with youth and beauty.You identify with what is most obvious in your life. If you have good looks you are likely to be identified with that.The thing is that for some years it will work wonderfully for you, if thats what centers you, if that is what you base your life on. You grow up with people telling you that you are beautifull and you get attention and its very tempting to fall into that wooing, because your ego just feels so satisfied and fullfilled. And you think ok, that feels good, and you start seing your self more more from the outside in then the other way. Very hard to resist that vanity. But then at sometime you start realizing that the body infact does get old. And time (that monster) does something to the body.And if your life and what you think your value is is based on your physical beauty then when it startes to fade, then who are you?Im not saying that i only see my value through beauty, but i do like the fact that i have that. What i fear is how will it affect me once it starts to fade away.Thats what i want to know. Thats what i want to learn. I dont want it to affect me or condition my happiness when nature starts taking its natural course.I feel that i have a good perception of truth. I'm like to think i'm keen and don't use it to take advantage.At least i like to think that i am.If i commit positive deeds, i don't do them to get ahead, i simply because it makes me feel good. Inspite of my impulsive nature and tempestuas behavior sometimes, my intentions are almost always meant well, witch makes me think that it makes me a good person on the inside.What makes sense to me and if thought about this, a solution for this and sometimes this is what i come up with.If you're aware of this, and you know that its going to affect you in the long run. The best way to start your quest is to start while your winning. Witch means, starting dealing with it when your still fell comfortable with your external appearence you have to try and see if you can bring a deeper dimention into your life so you dont live the rest of your life trapped in a physical dependency. So you have to somehow find the balance between the changes that are happening to you and ajusting your innerself to it. And in it facing the fact that what you have on the outside is not going to last.You have to admit to yourself that the fact that it bothers you is that you have no matter how shallow it may seam. You have linked a large portion of your life and given a big priority to your physical appearence.I can accept that part. Easly actually. What i find hard is when the day comes that i will look into the mirror and see the traces of time, the lines, the wrinckes, the loss of the glow in the skin...I know me, i know that i will see it as a personal problem. I'll feel as if life has delt me some kind of a blow. Its gonna be hard to see is as the destiny of every human being and not take personally.Practice acceptence?! how am i going to convince myself of it? how is it going consoul me? Pay attention to my innerbody? My sense of presence? I'm not prepared just yet and the solution i find fo me now is i try not to think about it. Am i wrong? is this living in deniel...?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

And you're like a 90's jesus And you revel in your psychosis How dare you And you sample concepts like hors d'euvresAnd you eat their questions for dessert Is it just me or is it hot in here?

And you're like a 90's kennedy And you're really a million years old You can't fool me They'll throw opinions like rocks in riots And they'll stumble around like hypocrites Is it just me or is it dark in here?

Well you may never be or have a husband You may never have or hold a child You will learn to loose everything We are temporary arrangements

And you're like a 90's noah And they laughed at you as you packed all of your things And they wonder why you're frustrated And they wonder why you're so angry And is it just me or are you fed up?

and I think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm scared - I think too muchI know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come home,oh come homeThere's a little bit of something meIn everything in you

I bet you're hard to get overI bet the moon just won't shineI bet my hands I can stay hereI bet you need - more than you mind

and I think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeI think I'm just scared - that I know too muchI can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

If you're gone - maybe it's time to COME homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone - baby you need to come home,oh come homeThere's a little bit of something meIn everything in…………………… you

I think you're so mean - I think we should tryI think I could need - this in my lifeand I think I'm scared - do I talk too muchI know it’s wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to come homeThere's an awful lot of breathing roomBut I can hardly moveIf you're gone – Hell, baby you need to come homeThere's a little bit of something meIn everything in you, everything in ….in you.

"Sometimes a woman needs a man who is a brother friend more than she needs a romantic attachment. She needs someone who is strong enough to say to her, "Say baby, the way you acted the other night, that's not right, or that wasn't the swiftest thing you could do." At the same time she needs him to be strong enough to say, "Hey baby that was so brilliant, I am so proud of you, you were wonderful!"

Some men fail to see it, or if they do see it, they tend to interpret it as a sign of weakness or emotional dependency.The art of love and relashionship, the whole has to equal all the rest that we all know to make for a good and lasting relationship, but also these lil small things that may not look like a lot, but mean so much when you're a woman and you care.It should equal more then just the sum of the partes that are written out there in so many books and manuels, otherwise you're just rubbing two sticks together searching for fire.

When you want love, you search for the same kind of combustible fire force that fueled the expansion of the universe after what they call "the big bang". You want the earth to spit fire. You want the sky to split apart and for God to pour out.

Its embarrassing to want so much, and to expect so much from love. But sometimes it does happen.

It happens when you come through the door fists and heart first. With the sound of heaven in your mind. Witch of course is the sound of unriquited love and longing.It happens when your belief and your faith in that someone is so great that if you expose the purest and the best of what is you, you bring out the best in them.Because i believe, we are creations of the heart and of the earth and of the stations of the cross-there's no getting out of it.In your heart you can hear the spirituality and home and as quest. How do you find God unless he's in your heart? In your desire? in your feet?! I believe this is a big part of what keeps hope and faith alive when you belive and when you're love is the real thing.See people, couples get together by accident, but dont don't servive by accident. It takes will, intent, and a sense of shared purpose, and a tolorance for your lovers fallibilities...and they of yours. And that only evens the odds.

This love, this love that hold me, that i hold inside of me. Carries the faith in the great inspirational and ressurective power of it. I believe in him and i believ in me and mostly i believe in us, against all odds.

Love is a property of motherhood and peace. Girls are not mothers. Our mothers are mostly girls. There was only one side to their quest – lefty or else.Love a left-handed woman next time and believe there's not a single right-handed dog out there. Due respect to Dogs...If one never had a lefty-woman, one has not been loved by a mother sense. To join you, one was never loved by a left-handed woman so one have never been around love – it was wrong. Only European women seem to claim such version – she’s wrong and her sisters right. Right back, one fell in ignorance for a bottomless pit with nothing but greed for meat and strength. Therefore the story when, sugar goes nuts and nuts goes meat forsaking strength of mind and countless victims of feed who could never take a dog day in aggression and response time. Is up to you, to change feeding habits for a better speech – stay nuts.

To convene, girls are still under the eye of consciousness since their mother side is on the men’s side at larger numbers. Many of us have been deceived that our mothers are indeed mother derived. Yet it carries the disease as we speak and split nations of girls who cannot convey their disease as fair as males. African women are still in contempt to speech concealing the disease en rooted from the first apes that relayed a language to them in orderly peace – only to find cursed words in the language along the way.Our speech is still ignoring that the cold hand is called right and the warm one left or wrong - it's reversing in speech to claim the spot.Monkey’s do have sounds as Morse code has messages. Our grandmothers have failed to monitor or pray on the state of the language and the curse lexicon still present under their scrutiny. Therefore Love is a long way until we seek and purge the source of dark disease that preserve rude to this day. How? Reproduction of females is the only way to judge them from beginning to the end. If you have a daughter you gave us something to educate and challenge their grandmothers.The reason why so many right-handed humans were allowed to persist in Love despite of no mother hand: equates to the design of the body that lacks signs of aggression such as teeth or nails that can pull vein and take life. Basically it doesn’t kill so it’s time wise to negotiate since two right hands have originated a left handed creature – pure light construction. There’s no such pre-course in the jungle. Dogs would never been allowed to reach these numbers due to the content of their character that shapes them at a higher risk of aggression.

To conclude, speech and love hurt people since there’s too much disease implanted on the female side who speaks first but fails to release the prayer in free-fall mode for a wiser consideration. At the end of the day one can judge what was said as oppose to react and show males finally on the spot. There's a new day ahead of you little girl. So far, there are more females than males in school so we are proud to die in peace and let grand mothers test their insecurity – maybe nobody wants to go to her school when she finally has the value to say other than her beauty.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

In the end, if you really think about it, it all boils down to you striving to reconcile your longing for the lost bliss of oneness with your equally intense desire for separateness. Me, my mind personally, deals with these two conflicting needs by the making and unmaking of boundaries (when i see conviniente, of course)– And the thing is that i've noticed and i know its not the "Eurika" moment, that our mental structures increase in number and complexity, as we experience other people and develop our own mental capacities. Our memories, experiences, thoughts, emotions, sensations, associations and impulses – into the inner identity we call the Self, enabling us to distinguish our thoughts and feelings, our minds and emotions, from those of others. And while they occupy a territory of mental rather than physical geography, they’re no less real than a wall, a fence, or a border.

Boundaries are how the Self knows who it is and who it isn’t. They determine not only where I end and You begin, but the space between us. Boundaries are central to how we make sense of life, how we deal with the dilemma of being human - the self-in-relation dilemma - which is to be close and connected to others and also to maintain our autonomy and independence.

While faulty inner boundaries are typically involved in certain personality disorders, especially borderline, problems with interpersonal boundaries are frequently at the root of relationship difficulties – between parents and children, spouses, partners, friends, and professional colleagues.

Boundaries are key to how we deal with intimacy, loneliness, conflict, anxiety, stress and challenge at every stage of life. They are integral to how our identity is constructed; because they are so central to the development of our personalities, to how we think and feel about ourselves and how others experience us – our inner, as well as our shared reality – they provide a special lens through which we can perceive not only what and who but also why we are.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I once read that if there a feeling that is useless that feeling is GUILT.All of my life i have felt guilty for all sorts of things, as a mother, as a daughter, as sister, as a co-worker in general as a human being.And that usually happens when my conscious gets into conflict with my subconscious.It’s like a lil alarm in my mind trying to wake me u to the fact that whatever the decision that im about to make, or behavior im about to take, or haven taken, goes against my cure self, my values, my gut feelings and the sense that i am compromising my worth, but still will be willing to be stubborn to go through whatever it is that is going to make me feel guilty about it later..Today is a dark day for me. It’s one of those days that i feel i need the silence so that i can listen to my mind.This is in no way a sigh of depression, but on days like this it’s as if i I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only i can understand.And i get frustrated when i can’t get there, when i can’t find a space where i can dwell in this darkness that is sometimes needed so that you can really go deep inside of yourself. I don’t need witness, i don’t want help when im in this state. Because I’m ok. But people don’t understand the process and interpret is as a somber one, and it became very invasive. I mean i can understand their concern, but gee i think that even the meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for my sake, and the sake of the people that i love, that I could be happy in this quietness without having to worry about being interrupted. And by this time i have realized that you cannot find peace by avoiding life.So why should i feel guilty for sometimes just wanting to be left alone. Wanting to think of me as a woman as a human being?Why are we so attached to our conditioned behaviors and end up always going back to that primarily instinct every time there is an obstacle, even when we think we got it?That’s why i question the use of guilt as an emotion.When i feel the need to be left alone and to not think or worry about anything, why can't i do it with a guilt free mind. Why does it have to come attached to it? Guilt is typically defined as feeling culpable and responsible for things past or possibly for things still to come.So why it is that i can't convince myself that there is no need to place the burden upon myself. I know that it does make my life worse and usually the outcome and effect that it has on me and my behavior is influenced by this negative emotion.

Guilt is a negative emotion and as such can be very destructive. I know that I personally have a problem with being too hard on myself. I beat myself up about small things and drive myself into the ground for any mistakes made. This problem is also probably linked to the fact that I’m a bit of a temperamental and very impulsive. And when i feel attacked or think that I’m going to be judged or blamed i act on it blindly. I can't see the other side of the matter i can’t even see if im being reasonable. I automatically assume that the fault can't be mine and that I’m being a victim of misunderstandings and misinterpretations. Thus my standards are too high, and I can never meet them. Not meeting my expectations leads me to feeling guilty and aggravated which causes a negative cycle and then it’s all downhill from there.I have no issue with taking responsibility for my actions; it is doing this by psychologically crippling me which I have a problem with. I know that worrying about all the bad things i have done in life won’t help fix them, only truly accepting responsibility for your actions and by trying to work to improve on how you act can. Guilt is useless, its role is destructive not constructive and as such it should be avoided. But like everything in your life that you have to get fixed, it’s always easier said then done.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Faith is a gift that I have yet to receive. And things would be so much easier if i had FAITH - To believe without seing.Do I believe in God? Well i dont believe in what men say about God, i may not ever understand some of his ways, but i believe in HIM. Do i believe im myself? do i know my self enough to have a balanced relationship with me. Or one things doesnt imply the other?I think that, and i'm trying to be as honest to me as i can be, i do know myself. I think that i'm lucky enough to say that i do know myself. I may not know how to handle certain aspects of ME, and a lot of the times i dont want to deal with the things that come out of me, specially when i feel fear or threatened. But i do know myself. I can even say i know all the little things inside of me that i sometimes i deprive myself off in order to make decisions or take chances that i know are not necessarily what i need. They mostly are what i want. But to want and to need are two completely different things. And i have been somewhat ignorante or blinded by my insistance and persistence in going after what i think i need, when it could be just something that i want, but can live with out.So i live in conflict. I live in conflict and i live in guilt because i know what i do to myself and i know how i've constantly cheating myself out of happiness and specially the relashioship that i should catering to witch is me. The woman in the mirror, that refletion that i sometimes look at and dont even recognize.My beautiful soul mate (thats what i consider him, even if the feeling is not receprocated) called me apon that today. He with his infitine wisdom tried to make me, the stuburn person that i am, understand how fundamental it is for me to first and for most have a healthy relationship with me, even if it means being selfish for a while until i find that balance in me.Im a type of person most of the time can accept my wrong doings and my flaws if they are pointed out to me in a just way and in a way i can relate and undertsand and if it makes sense to me without jeopardize who i am, i can accept it and change.I have never really thought about my relationship with me, i didnt think it made a difference in my life or was a big deal.I didnt think that it would in the long run affect every aspect of my life. Until today!Its a good thing that i have been brainstorming a lot lately, because as soon as that information was planted in my brain, i started the process thinking :We draw to us things that resonate at the same vibration and are in harmony with how we are feeling and thinking. If we want to change what keeps showing up in our life we have to change ourselves. We have to change how we feel about things.My negative feelings often come from my belief system and judgements, which i make about life and living and the people who are showing up in my life. Its sometimes necessary to bring these beliefs and judgements to the surface of our mind and challenge them. By challenge I mean run them through your mind again and see if they are still serving you.And that is something that i'm not comfortable doing sometimes. Depending on the subject.I often wonder if these are my own beliefs or have i adopted them from my parents or even people that i have associetated myself with. This fear, this negative perspective did i learn them at school or did they came up to protect myself agains the issues that i was growing up with and found in them a way to hide the pain, desgize it and put up a front of the opposite what what i was going through? I Ask ed myself today what life would be like if i chosen to change my mind about these beliefs? How would my judgements change, how would i view myself and self worth and love for for myself?

What would happen if i changed my perspective on life and who you i am? Ifi choose to see everything as an aspect of myself without any separation just an interaction of love expressed? All relationships were in actual fact a relationship with me flowing energy from one aspect of myself to another aspect of myself, how would that feel? If i stopped judging myself and just enjoyed and accepted me uncondicionally?

Sometimes i feel as if my soul is just a silent witness to the events in my life. I wonder how it would feel if i became aware that the love in my heart was connected to source that would acertain me and make me believe.

I wonder if the reason why i dont go too deep into myself is that im afraid that im not strong enough to love myself and all that would show up in my life? How would i react to that and in what way would it affect me.

Would i start to appreciate my self worth, my beauty, my intelligence and grace? Value the joy and happiness that i bring to peoples life if i want to. Specially the ones that i love?

I have to start to nurture and take care of myself as soon as possible. Even if it means being a lil selfish. If you're really truthful though, you will realize that people are going to eventually do what they want to do anyway. If you want to do what another person wants against your own best interests, sooner or later you are going to become resentful. Then it is only a matter of time before you consciously or unconsciously find a way to "get back" at the other person. This may be hard to swallow but it's the truth. If you bury your own self-interest in favor of someone else's, it will blow up in your face.So to avoid a larger problem later, remember to take care of yourself now. "loving yourself first and everything else will fall into place. loving yourself first and everything else will fall into place loving yourself first and everythin will fall in to place" Thats what he thought me

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Someone once told me that you have to chooseWhat you win or loseYou can't have everythingDon't you take chancesMight feel the painDon't you love in vainCause love won't set you freeI can't stand by the sideAnd watch this life pass me bySo unhappyBut safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?So what if I break down?So what if this world just throws me off the edgeMy feet run out of groundI gotta find my placeI wanna hear my soundDon't care about all the pain in front of meCause i'm just trying to be happy, yeahJust wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightlyJust can't let it goJust trying to play my roleSlowly disappear, ohhBut all these days, they feel like they're the sameJust different faces, different namesGet me out of hereI can't stand by your side, ohh noAnd watch this life pass me by, pass me bySo what if it hurts me?So what if I break down?So what if this world just throws me off the edgeMy feet run out of groundI gotta find my placeI wanna hear my soundDon't care about all the pain in front of meCause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So any turns that I can't see,like I'm a stranger on this roadBut don't say victimDon't say anything

So what if it hurts me?So what if I break down?So what if this world just throws me off the edgeMy feet run out of groundI gotta find my placeI wanna hear my soundDon't care about all the pain in front of me