I'm a 24 year old male and a former victim of child abuse. Almost all the abuse experienced was along the lines of being choked, thrown, whipped with bamboo sticks, hit in the head with telephones, etc., but the worst example, and the one that still troubles me to this day, is when I was about 7-8.

I was sound asleep in my bed, only to be awoken by my stepfather (at 3:00am, when he got home from work) throwing the blanket off of me and yanking my pants and underwear down. He then grabbed me by the penis and lifted me up off of the bed, my penis solely supporting the full weight of my body. I was lifted well over a few feet up and then dropped onto the concrete floor below (my bedroom was in the unfinished basement. Obviously I wasn't liked by someone). As soon as I hit the ground, I was told to get back into bed and sleep, as I had school in the morning. Too afraid to get out of bed and check on my damaged manhood, I cried softly to myself until I fell asleep.

When I woke up, naturally the first thing a male needs is to urinate, so I went upstairs to the bathroom and when I tried to pull my briefs down to urinate, i was met with the pain of dried blood having glued my penis to the fabric. Ripping it off as you would a Band-Aid, I then saw the full extent of the damage: my shaft, just under the glans, was torn open. I remember urinating blood, but I can't recall for how long. I also remember being too scared and embarrassed to tell anyone about it.

I eventually showed up to Elementary School one-too-many days, with one-too-many bruises and not enough excuses to cover up the truth, so the school sent a case worker from the state Department of Family Services and a police officer to my house one day, after school. They examined my body, noting the long black and blue horizontal lines across my legs from a bamboo stick. My stepfather was never charged with anything, as far as I'm aware, but I was taken out of that home and put into a foster home for a summer. Over a dozen kids from bad homes, crammed into a double-wide, owned by a crazy Catholic family. I remember eating PBJs everyday, getting beat up by my foster parents' son, only being allowed to listen to music that was on CMT and watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang too many goddamn times.

After that, I lived with the grandparents for a year and then spending the rest of my youth in a somewhat normal situation, with my father. I had a couple girlfriends in high school and beyond. I've made out with a handful of women, fingered a couple, I got a shitty blowjob once my junior year that is notable because I got soft in her mouth and she gave up. But no actual sex. I enjoy masturbation and have contemplated trying to massage my prostate for the first time, though I haven't followed through with it. My penis hasn't suffered any permanent damage, to my knowledge. Actually, I'm quite pleased with the length and girth, not that that means anything– I just thought I should liven the mood after that sob story by telling you that I have a big penis…

I'm pretty certain I'm attracted to women. A round, firm butt and large breasts are always appreciated. I'm finally starting to become attracted to the vagina, itself, after spending much of these formative years thinking it's kinda… gross? Puffy labia majora is way sexy, as opposed to those vaginas that a lot of thin women have, that look like they're holding their breath. I've never put the idea of being sexual with a man completely out to pasture, though I've never once been turned on by a man or seen a penis that I'd like in my mouth. According to a Kinsey Scale "test" I took recently, I'm nonsexual. When I do watch porn, it's lesbians, solo women, or POV/JOI stuff. I just can't get into it with a guy in the mix. When masturbating to porn, I question if I'm really into it, or just turned on because I'm playing with my penis.

Am I just thinking too hard into this crap? Are these problems just in my head? Should I maybe talk to a therapist or some head shrinker? Do I just need to get laid? Have any other males here, on /r/sex been sexually abused as a child?

Thanks for reading my post that's probably waaaayyy longer than it should have been.