when life speaks; listen.

The Onionsoul Edition: #974.

It is 1 AM right now where I am, as I am typing this. I seem to have lost count of the PST time zone relative to Malaysian time and this little fact, trivial that it is, shreds my insides a little. One more thing in a long list of items that I will soon forget, because survival is key and adaptation is part of its process. It is what it is – people move on. Life goes on. In the words of my mother, “If you’re not dead, you’re not out.”

Aye, mother. I hear you.

I’m bringing The Onionsoul Edition back because Third Sis underwent this exact transition-slash-readjustment period in early 2012, when she returned home for good from her two years in Australia. She seems to be doing fine now, though perhaps it’s in our nature – a bit of a nomad – that lately, she’s fixated by a particular Exit door.

Side note: if you’re new here and unfamiliar with The Onionsoul Edition tag, it’s a select collection of old write-ups that my sister – Third Sis, to be specific – wrote in 2010 – early 2013. Onionsoul because that was the name of her old blog which housed these wonderful and powerful pieces. We’re two years apart, but a lifetime attuned – even if our adult selves are severely – and I’m using this word deliberately – different from each other. There’s a lot to gripe over, but there’s more to love. I choose love.

This particular write-up was written on February 7, 2012 — she returned home in early January, so this was written about a month since being back. An earlier, relevant write-up is here. Whatever she wrote in this one; damn girl, it’s like you just read my mind.

Yesterday I was smitten, today I’m not so sure. My life has little structure these days and it seems as though everyone else is more than happy to structure it for me. Side projects with promises of cash to entice. Suggestions on where to look for jobs etc. Future trips to so and so. Plans and more plans I just don’t want to be part of. So much negative chi is released into the air around me even my newly painted walls can’t cope. I keep my brain active in this leisure period by finding artistic inspiration and social observations, but all these silent thought processing are often interrupted by people who are too concerned that my brain is collecting dust inside my head. Well, since I can’t prove my brain works just as active as it is required to keep me growing mentally and emotionally, my life remains unstructured because I just can’t find my mind in all these noise.

Anyways, since I’m a graduate-in-transition crisis, it is best to remember that responsibility to yourself means insisting that whomever you give your love and friendship to are able to respect your mind. It also means not to sell yourself short, not to lower your professional expectations for easy solutions, and not to live in refusal to commit to your own life.

— Pinknerd | #974.“If He guides you to it, then He will guide you through it.”