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Thursday, April 24, 2014

I wrote this as part of an assignment, a much longer assignment. In case you didn't know, well now you do. Enjoy!

I am a
librarian.As a result people expect
that I am very well read and enjoy reading classics in my off time.The true is often disappointing to people.I only read classics as required by courses
and I enjoy chick-lit.I enjoy a lot of
chick-lit.When I saw the novel
requirement for the poetics of leadership assignment, I knew I would no longer
be able to hide my passion for reading the equivalent of trash.Unlike my co-hort members, I could not turn
to the respectable works of Shakespeare, Bronte, or Hemingway.I have no intimate knowledge of the words of
Fitzgerald or Austen.

As a scholar-practitioner, I
have to forgive my lack of passion for the classics and embrace my love of
chick-lit.In loving my chick-lit loving
soul, I realize there are probably more people like me, who are not well read
and struggle to answer questions like what is your favorite William Faulkner
book?Not being well read is not the
sign of a frivolous mind but of a person who faces life all day so prefers to
escape into fiction.

The result of the merging of
my chick-lit loving soul and my scholar-practitioner metaphor is The
Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella.Kinsella is known for her book series Shopaholic and I imagine
she is not well known among those whom prefer Machiavelli with their tea.For me, Kinsella's work is the highest form
of escapist reading.I am transported to
London, where most of her books take place, and I live the life of women trying
to find love and balance.

Anyway that is the introduction to the novel section of my Poetics of Leadership assignment. If you feel like watching the final product here is the link. Like I stated earlier this is part of much larger assignment.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Last week I walked in to find Ravebaby enjoying the mess out of a cup of microwaved Kraft Mac&Cheese. I think for many parents this would have been a cute sight. A wonderful picture opportunity to share on Facebook. A cute yellow covered face with a huge smile and the perfectly place cup in that beautiful little hand. For me, my blood ran cold and I went into panic mode. Yes my beautiful wheat-allergic daughter had just consumed a huge amount of wheat!

I know I was showing my panic. My mother and father, who had been watching Ravebaby at the time, were freaking out. Ravebaby started to freak out and yell at her grandmother for giving her wheat. I had to take a deep breath and start calming down at least outwardly. I was honestly freaking out. First few thoughts, is she breathing okay? Should I take her to the ER? Do I call DH? What do I do now? Why didn't I throw that stupid cup of mac and cheese away a long time ago?

Once I could think again, I got Ravebaby her allergy meds and called DH because I needed to hear from someone that I had done the right thing. Ravebaby was fine. I think we were more freaked out than hurt initially. The first day there wasn't any real reaction. Maybe she had outgrown the allergy? Could it be? Was my daughter ready to join the ranks of the "normal" kids? Yes, I love her just the way she is but I'm a mom and "normal" would still be nice.

Anyways, the hope gives way to night terrors! A big huge fuck you and your hope too to me. It has been a week since the mac and cheese and she has been sleep walking and waking up at least five times a night. Her attitude stinks; mostly due to lack of good sleep, I think. So far outside of losing sleep, nothing else has really reacted. No horrible skin break outs. No sickness. She has living on gas medicine but otherwise pretty good overall.

I know plenty of wheatfree mamas out there have guilt and stories similar to mine. I'm sharing so you know you are not alone. I watch what Ravebaby eats but I'm not with her 24/7 and she is getting older and pulling food for herself. She is going to eat wheat. She has done it before and she'll do it again. All I can do is take a deep breath and be ready to give her her allergy meds and gas meds and lose sleep. I'm so lucky it is not worse. I don't know what I would do if this ever turned deadly. So far so good. No point in worrying about a bridge before I get to it, right?

Monday, April 7, 2014

First let me apologize for not blogging for Mamavation for so long. My doctoral classes have been kicking my butt and when it is not kicking me, I'm just so brain dead I feel like I have no brain power to blog. Anyways I'm here!

So the question of the week is what have I done to positively impact my family? The number one thing I did was have a homebirth. This isn't an ad for homebirth or about one type of birth being better than another. Simply put it was the single most life changing decision I've made that still has a positive impact today.

What about that decision has been so impactful? It spiraled my life for the better. I know having a child in general can do that but if I reflect back on my life and my attitude toward life before my homebirth, I almost don't recognize myself.

The homebirth led to breastfeeding. The breastfeeding led to discovering my daughter's wheat allergy. That lead to going gluten-free which led to eating better then to being active in label reading and finding information on GMOs and trying to go green. For me it all started with being welcomed into the "crunchy" community via my homebirth. I wasn't green or hippy-ish before the homebirth and the homebirth community opened my eyes to the importance of the what goes into my body.

The homebirth also changed my outlook on myself. I felt stronger afterward. I felt like I could do anything since I had pushed a baby out in my living-room. I felt more like the woman I was always meant to be and as a result I feel like I live stronger. As the mother of a daughter, I want my daughter to see being a woman is about being strong and that we can do anything we want. I don't want to be the do as I say not as I do sort of person so I must show her strength and not just talk about it.

To me this is were Mamavation fits into my life. I learn about strength, both physical and spiritual, from my fellow Sistas! Mamavation has given me tools for greening my life as well as working out. I love that I can turn to the Sistahood when I'm feeling weak. When I need extra support or just a safe place to bitch. I love the Sistahood and before my homebirth I would have never reached out to join so yes, my homebirth changed everything for me and my family.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

If you don't know this song then look it up. It is fun and pop-py and sounds like a wonderful idea. You are just you and I love you for you but listen and it quickly turns into the backhanded complement of the year!

Lyrics:Chloe, I know your sister turns everyone on
But you're the one I want

No talk about Chloe being hot. Nothing about Chloe at all. We know her sister is hot but what about Chloe? Is she the fat one with a great personality? What about her turns you on? I think you just hope the fat chick will put out.

Lyrics:I love the way that you like candle light

Why the candlelight? So that you don't have to see my face? Seriously!

The video is even worse for the back-hand! They won't let in the models but the Chloes are all model without makeup on! Where are the girls that look like me? Actual curves and a spare tire? I'm fucking hot and turn people on too, right? Well according to Emblem3, they just settle for me. I'm not that hot but maybe I'll put out for the right complement. I don't like this song.

Friday, April 4, 2014

I have another confession to make and it is one that I have made freely to people but I don't think I've really talked about it here. I'm afraid of statistics. I know that is a common fear but it is one that has kept me out of my professional/educational path for a long time.

See I have two Masters degrees. When people hear that they are always so impress or think I'm crazy but the reason I have two Masters degrees is statistics. Rather than face the challange of learning statistics, which I knew I would need for a doctorate, I took the easy way out and earned another Masters degree. It's a bit crazy. Fear is a bit crazy in general.

Why talk about this now? Well it has come to a head. I have declared myself for the Research and Evaluation cognate for my doctorate in Ed leadership which means statistics! I'm terrified. I'm in a catch-22 at the moment. I have no background in statistics but I'm too advanced in my studies for an elementary stats class. As a fellow doctoral student told me, "You are too smart. They teach to the lowest person in the class. You'll be bored and feel like you've wasted your money." I know she's right but I'm just so afraid since I'm already coming in behind. I've decided to work my way through the elementary statistics book so that I can get a foundation in stats and then I'll be jumping into the deep end of the pool with a stats class at the Masters level. I already said I was scare right?

If I am going to dare greatly then I have to risk failing. I don't want to take the easy way out and just choose curriculum and instruction for my cognate. I want to be a researcher and statistic just can't get the better of me. I think that would be my deathbed regret if I don't go for it. I never tried to learn statistics and go for my real dream of being a researcher. I don't want to chicken out. I want to stand strong and maybe fail in a huge way going for my dreams. So I'm daring greatly. I'm entering the arena. Courage or comfort, never both, right?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Embarrassing is such a hard emotion for me. Usually embarrassment turns to shame pretty quickly but on Tuesday I actually dared greatly and reached out before it took an ugly turn.

This is the facebook message I sent to my band mates:

Okay have to share an embarrassing story with you
girls. I decided to wear a dress today and on my way to my office I did
not know that my backpack would cause my dress to ride up in the back.
I was almost at my building when I felt a cool breeze. Yes my ass was
all out Good thing I was wearing my red Charlotte set! So I guess I was advertising for Golden Pear.

Yes ladies and the random dude looking for boob pics, I walked in front of the library with my red panties showing, like my ass was all out. So why tell you good readers this? I love the work of Dr. Brene Brown and after rewatching some of her Oprah's Lifeclass on Sunday, I am working to dare greatly and identify shame in my life.

One of the lessons from Dr. Brene Brown is that shame cannot survive being spoken. If I had told no one then I would have turned that into a shame spiral for myself. It would have gone from me calling myself stupid for wearing a dress in the first place to body shame to the effect of no one noticed because no one would want to look at your fat ass. See shame is an ugly thing but rather than sink into the hole of shame, I did what Dr. Brown said and I reached out. I called my husband and told him. He made me see the funny side of it. Then I sent a message to my girls from Red Shoe P&*%. No one told me I was fat or ugly or how awful or how they would have died on the spot. Everyone helped me see the funny aspect and the great opportunity for selling underwear and the punk lifestyle I had created for myself.

Yes it was embarrassing. It still is embarrassing. There is no telling what you will think or how you will want to shame me but I hope this helps someone else reach out too. It is amazing how many people have had experiences similar to those we go through and they wish they had someone to talk to too. There is an old saying that says there is nothing new under the sun. If that is true then someone else on this planet is or has gone through something similar to us and we all want to be able to connect and share with someone. There is no reason to carry shame with us. Share your story. AD TIME:
I was wearing this set which is available at Golden Pear or your local Parfait by Affinitas store. (Hey why not sell some set for my girl at Golden Pear :) )