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These are my ramblings in an attempt try and understand my Dissociative Identity Disorder. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope that together we can come to a better understanding of the human mind. If you have any questions or comments you are more than welcome to add them to my blog, or to email me. I would love to hear from you.

17 April, 2011

Two weeks

Its been 2 weeks since I have seen my psychologist. I am due to go back again tomorrow. I feel like it has been a bit of a whirl wind experience with her so far. This will be my 4th or 5th visit with her and i find that every time i go we really don't seem to be getting into talking about anything really deep. Its seems we are just getting to know each other.
This is of course normal, I understand that, but it all seems to be taking so very long to get anywhere. I feel like I haven't told her much more than i would tell most of my friends.
I have been considering hypnosis. I have never had it before but I am wondering if it would help me to be better able to communicate with the alters.
So far Elaine wants to focus on my depression and helping sort that out and therefore giving me the tools to better cope with the DID. There are days I feel like a relatively normal. human being and other days I feel like a total mess.
Ideally I would like to be able to know which one of my alters it is who is speaking to me and what their purpose is in the group. It is hard having so many people talking into your head all the time...it is like standing on shifting sand, you never know where you are and where you are meant to be. How you feel can change in an instant without your control, what you think is often even dictated to you by them.
DID sufferers are told that our alters are part of us and we are to be grateful to them for helping us to get though what was obviously a very difficult time, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like someone is constantly correcting you and blocking you. Even your thoughts are not your own. Sit quietly and ponder something...don't say it out loud. May be ...what should i do today. As your mind considers the options open to you and what u feel like doing, someone in your own head chimes in on what THEY think you should be doing today, and can even make you feel bad if you don't do it. And there is usually more than one. There are no thoughts that are not shared with the group. Sometimes I long for privacy in my own mind, to be able to have a thought that no one else can hear or comment on.
I guess that has been the one thing this last week that I have been feeling the most, the desire to have private thoughts. For just me to know and to be able to follow a train of thought to where ever it goes for as long as it goes without interruption.
As I type this someone is reminding me how lonely it would be to not have us all and I know that when it is quiet in my head I feel lost, but just for a while a private mind would be nice.