About Me

I love life, love to laugh and love my family. I strive to find humor in most situations (except when driving behind idiots.) I may not have the cleanest house or the cleanest mouth, but I try hard to enjoy life to the fullest every day.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

It's been way too long since I posted anything...this Craigslist ad I wrote is the most I've done in months. Enjoy!

About a month ago my husband told me he was planning on going to an
auction with a few of his buddies. I figure that's a pretty safe place
for him to hang out for a Saturday, I mean how much money could he
actually waste there, right? The day arrives, his friends show up and
they all pile into his pickup truck and head out to the auction.
Woo-hoo! A few hours to catch up on some housework (lol!) or read a
book, whichever.

Several hours later finds me out in the yard watering my trees when the
hubby pops out the back door and lures me in with his excited "Come see
what I bought for you!" What could it be? Did he find me a beautiful,
1940s waterfall bedroom set for some amazingly low price? Maybe he
bought me some cool fish tank stand so I can expand my aquatic hobby.
The excitement is simply overwhelming, so I rush inside to see what he
found.

Well, my hopes were dashed upon entering my kitchen to find my beaming
husband standing behind a vacuum cleaner. An old, used and very
chrome-y looking vacuum cleaner. Um, thanks? But I'm not a complete
meany so I say "Oh, it's a vacuum cleaner. Okay, is it better than the
one I already own?" And my overly proud of his purchase husband begins
to extol me on the virtues of this amazing machine.

This, he informs me, is a KIRBY!!! vacuum cleaner. The very best of the
best of vacuum cleaners. Why, all the women whose homes he has admired
for many years use KIRBY!!! vacuum cleaners. Nothing less will do.
And look at all the attachments, he says. There are some that we'll
probably never even figure out what they're for, but certainly they are
very important to have. AND, it has extra bags! So we don't even have
to worry about buying new bags for a long time ("longer still because my
wife rarely vacuums" was thankfully left out). He briefly mentions the
shampoo attachment (for when the idiot cats throw-up, again!) and then,
he pulls out an attachment and with a reverence usually reserved for
vintage whiskey or especially beautiful revolvers, he intones "And this
brush...this brush is so you can clean the blinds!"

I'm duly impressed with his sales spiel, but he's not done yet.
Because, like any good vacuum cleaner salesman would do, he insists on
showing me how it works. As an aside, I've been around vacuums for a
very long time and am fairly well versed in how they work. Evidently
hubby has forgotten this and I hate to ruin his moment in the sun so I
go along with him. It should be noted that by this time, our twelve
year old son has joined us to watch this new wonder do it's magic.

My husband carefully adds the attachment to the long hose and plugs the
machine in. He wheels the whole thing over to the blinds on the back
door, looks at me with a smile and says "Watch this!" Hitting the "on"
switch, the KIRBY!!! comes to life with a "RAWR!" of power. You can
feel the surge of adrenaline pulsing through it's chrome-y parts. The
cats scatter to the far corners of the house and the dogs look on it
with horror. It is an animal. It is power, and virility and beauty all
wrapped up into one amazing machine. And then...our son says "what's
that smell?"

Hubby continues to run the brush over the blinds only looking over his
shoulder long enough to say "That's raw power son" before going back to
obliterating the dust from the slats. I have to say that the speed with
which that dust was sucked into the KIRBY!!! was a sight to behold. It
never stood a chance. About four slats in, our son again says "what's
that smell?" and I realize that I am starting to smell something as
well. Something...burny...electrically...electrically burny...and then
Hubby smells it too. He turns around and looks down at his amazing
machine and says "OMG! It's on fire!" And I dumbly reply "What is?"
My husband's eyes get huge and he shouts "The vacuum cleaner is on fire!
OMG! It's on fire! Holy sh!!!t! Unplug it!"

I dutifully unplug the raging monster and my heroic husband picks the
flaming beast up in one massive fist and carries it outside. Upon being
released from the source of fuel, this cousin of the Kraken (land
version) loses steam and puts itself out. The stench of it's fury
permeates my house and now, my back patio as well. The neighbors may or
may not now believe they live next door to a long time sailor. Our son
stands transfixed on the patio, staring at his father in what I can
only assume is awe at his heroic acts.

Once the emergency is over, our hero stands in defeat, looking at his
beloved KIRBY!!!, still slightly smoking at his feet. Lifting his eyes
to mine, he says sadly "I guess I'll have to throw it away...I'm sorry
your gift sucked." It breaks my heart to see him so destroyed. He
wanted to badly to bring me this wonderful machine that he knew would
make me the happiest woman in the world. So I tell him that he
shouldn't throw it away. It's too GOOD to throw away. I mean, it's a
KIRBY!!! for goodness sakes! They don't get thrown away! I promise him
I will salvage the parts and sell them to the good people of
Craigslist. People who appreciate what a wonder a KIRBY!!! is, people
who will want it's parts to replace the ones on their own KIRBYs!!! Not
because they broke obviously (because KIRBYs!!! don't break), but
because sometimes the parts on their own KIRBYs!!! can just no longer
stand up to the raw power of the machine.

So, with all of that in mind, I'm offering the remains, no, the
strongest parts, of my husband's loving gift to me. I'm asking $30
(obo) for everything you see in the foreground of the first picture.
For you highly technical folks, that doesn't include the background
items, desk, empty box, carpeting or any animals that may have slipped
into the shot (well, the cats might be negotiable) Cash only and you
must pick up.