Glenn Beck: Newsweek blows

By T. Jefferson
Updated 11/11/2008 | 2:17 PM EST

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GLENN: My name is Glenn Beck and may I just say, wow, does Newsweek sucks. No. I mean that. I really do. I don’t throw that around lightly. I really don’t. I think when somebody goes as far as Newsweek has, I think it should be pointed out. My gosh, that is not easy to do, to suck that much. I mean, only in America can you reach the highest of the lows and suck that much. Good for you, Newsweek. Who who’s a good little magazine who’s struggling for your life? You are, yeah. Newsweek, you keep this up and you’ll be too big to fail, too. Yeah.

The latest attack from Newsweek on Sarah Palin, it’s devastating, it’s dizzying. It’s like, oh, how did I miss this on Sarah Palin? Good thing they’ve got this out, because we’re four years away from the next election. So, it’s a good thing and they can just bury her now. It will be set. Dan, will you do me a favor? Will you called Sarah Palin’s office in Alaska? They have phones up there, I hear. Just call her and — on the ice phone in the igloo.

Stu: You have to do it in the Shining where they have that ice cam that has to go up through the mountains.

Glenn: Get a ham radio, because I’m sure that’s the only form of communication she has: Get a ham radio. She’s probably riding a moose right now. Here. Just a second. (Indicating.) Calling Sarah Palin, calling Sarah Palin, get to the ham radio. Have you tried to call Sarah Palin yet, her office in Alaska? Are we being ice walled? Have they built a snow fort against us? You tell her, man, I can peg people with ice balls like crazy. The latest attack on Sarah Palin comes from Newsweek magazine. She apparently would not appear on stage with anyone who is pro choice. Why must she hate so much? That’s what I’m thinking. Why the hatred? She won’t appear. Oh, my goodness. Thank goodness she has finally been exposed once and for all as that angry, bitter, idealog, unlike the Democrats who wouldn’t have their debate on Fox News, oh, that Sarah Palin. She wouldn’t go on stage with somebody who’s pro choice. Newsweek is reporting how Sarah Palin refused to go on stage. You know, I was trying to think about how I could do that as a journalist on what it would have sounded like. It would have been like, Sarah Palin decided, or would it be, (laugher) Sarah Palin wouldn’t appear on stage with somebody who is pro choice. My gosh. They report Sarah Palin refused to go on stage with New Hampshire GOP Senator John Sununu and Jeff Bradley of New Hampshire. She’s a Congressman running for the Senate, because they were pro choice and because Bradley opposed drilling in Alaska. Oh, my goodness. Thank goodness Newsweek magazine’s there to uncover it for us. First of all, how true it is that she wouldn’t appear on stage with Bradley because he was against drilling in ANWR because, have you noticed, she wouldn’t appear on — that was a blanket policy of hers. That’s why you never saw her and John McCain on the same stage. Yeah. Yeah. She was a hologram. Every time — I want to introduce somebody who is for ANWR drilling, of course, I’m not, Sarah Palin, it was just like indicating and she was a hologram. Weird, huh? Yeah. Of course, it’s not like there’s any holes in the Newsweek reporting. I mean, take it as fact. For example, I mean, if you wanted to nitpick, those typical right wing haters who are always nitpicking, taking a little something and making it into a giant thing. There is that little teeny, you could take out of context and twist it in something against Newsweek, you know, that Jeff Bradley wasn’t running for the Senate, you know, there’s that little thing, but like that makes everything, you know, wrong, you know. Oh. And there also is the fact that John Sununu has 1 pun hers pro life voting record, he’s not pro choice, but it’s about Sarah Palin. Why is this — oh, all of the sudden you’ve got to make it about news week’s reporting? It’s the same politics of old, the same old charges. Oh. Newsweek can’t get any of the facts right. Yeah, yeah. Well, Sarah Palin wouldn’t go on stage with someone who was pro choice or against drilling in ANWR, except she made appearances with both of those men, anyway. So, apparently that didn’t — she’s just a weak female. That’s why. She didn’t even know. Some clown came up to her before and said, Hey, I’m going to make a balloon animal for you, and these guys, they can be on the stage with you. You’re fine with that, right? Look. It’s a little puppy dog. Oh. And by the way, she also appeared with other pro choice politicians like Joe Lieberman and she appeared with pro choice non-politicians like Lynn Forester de Rothschild, but why make it about the press, Mr. Beck? Huh? When it’s really, truly about Sarah Palin and how stupid, she’s practically retarded. Yes. I think that’s appropriate word to use for Sarah Palin, retarded. I think that’s an) if you would like a retarded person running the State of Alaska, just higgeldy-piggeldy. Hand her a gun, why don’t you? Oh. They’re issuing licenses now for rifles to the retarded in Alaska. Isn’t that interesting? And all we want is some common sense gun laws, where the retarded aren’t given guns! Well, thank goodness for Newsweek magazine to get these facts, well, not right exactly but in print. So, they must be true. I’m glad they went the extra mile because for awhile there I was just thinking their only problem was she didn’t think that Canada was a country. You know, she just thought it was a big cold space ship that landed next to Alaska. Look! The aliens are here! It’s a space ship! No, Sarah, Sarah, relax. No! They’re aliens! No. They’re Canadians. It’s okay. It’s not a space ship. That’s something we call a mountain. Oh! For awhile I was beginning to think that that’s what was going on, but, no. It’s so much more than that. She has an IQ of 3. She does. She does. (Whispering.) And I don’t know if you know this, but her daughter is pregnant with Sarah Palin’s great-grandfather’s baby and Sarah Palin, she was the one impregnated by the great, great grandfather, but to cover it up she cut the baby out of her with a putty knife because she was too stupid to get a sharp knife. She used a putty knife. It didn’t have an edge on it. If you lifted up your shirt — ask yourself, why haven’t you been allowed to see Sarah Palin’s tummy? Huh? Because she’s got spackle all over her tummy. That’s why. She cut herself open with a putty knife. Then she took the baby out and cut her daughter open with the same putty knife. That’s not even her real daughter. She killed the first daughter. Wait. You are don’t get through the artery in the neck. She didn’t even know. She’s that stupid. She then called a doctor in the country of Europe and she said, Hey, are you a European doctor? And the doctor went, What? And she’s, like, I just killed my daughter with a putty knife and I am open. What do I do? I’ve got the baby half out of me and I was trying to jam the baby out of my daughter’s tummy, because there’s a long story that involved Eskimos and a moose and my great, great granddaughter. Ahhh! Aliens have landed. Either that or we could talk about how Sarah Palin likes to take on her own party, how Sarah Palin took on the evil energy companies and pounded them into the ground and they survived to continue to get oil. That’s crazy. Let’s check her for spackle. She’s got spackle on her tummy. I know it. She was so stupid, though, you don’t check — if you’re looking for spackle, to prove my theory, Sarah Palin, show us your back! She was too stupid to even put the spackle on her tummy, even though she was bleeding, she was, like, I put the spackle on my tummy. That’s your back, Sarah! Hello, dummy! Yeah. I’m in the media. I know. Look. Here’s the thing with Sarah Palin. This woman is a danger to everyone in Washington and New York and I mean this in a good way. Sarah Palin, did she know who was in NAFTA? Hum. I know three countries. Is it Latvia, Lithuania, and Georgia? The one with Atlanta in it? Or Birmingham? I can’t remember what the — the Capitol of Georgia is Birmingham, right? Is she that person? Or is she a person that the media doesn’t like because they didn’t know who she was? You’ve got to come through us first. Have you ever worked in a company where there was the old guard and they did not like it if you went past them? You don’t go past me to get to that person. You come through me first. That’s who the media is. The media is this person, they decide, they’re the final arbiter, they’re the final gate way. You pass through them before you get any power. You watch because they’re going to — they’re going to do everything they can to shut down talk radio. Why? Because it’s the only place, you name it, in media, it’s the only place where you can call in and you can say whatever it is you want to say. It’s the only place where I don’t have, you know, 12 to 20 floors above me of people saying, what does he mean by that? Why does he have that opinion? Well, you can’t say that. I own this company. I’m the — this is freedom, baby. This is capitalism. I control my destiny. You control your destiny. The media doesn’t like that. They want to control your destiny. They want to control what you believe is to be true and not true and if it’s not the media, it’s academia. So, she’s a threat to the media. They can’t have that. She’ll go right to you. She’s a threat to the Democrats, not to — I shouldn’t say Democrats. I want to make a distinction here. Joe Lieberman is a Democrat. Joe Lieberman didn’t abandon his party. His party abandoned him. You’ve got the socialist liberals. Then you have the Democrats. Then you’ve got the Republicans. The socialist Marxist liberals, are you kidding me? She can speak directly to the American people and she can connect with them. Can’t have that happening. What — woe, woe, woe, woe, woe. Somebody who can make a good case and just say, Hey, we are what we are and I’m going to make the decision, just like you’re going to make a decision. And she’s a threat to the Republicans because the Republican party needs to be fumigated. You need to get these career politicians out of there. You need real people. You need somebody who’s ever made a payroll. You need somebody whose brought their kids to their soccer game. You need somebody who doesn’t live in this bogus world, somebody who lives in the real world. I’d rather have a farmer than any of these clowns in Washington. I’d rather have somebody with no education whatsoever but has worked hard for everything that they’ve got. I’d rather have somebody who busts their ass every single day, doesn’t have a day of formal education, but reads the paper, reads the paper with discerning eyes, watches the news and sits at home and screams at the TV and says, you’ve got to be kidding me. This is your answer? I’d rather have somebody who would never take a handout, never. They may have struggled and somebody may have helped them out by leaving something on their porch because they knew they wouldn’t accept it, not stupid pride but pride, somebody who might have gone to their church and said, my family’s struggling and we really need help, but I promise you we will pay you back every dime and when the church says, no, you’re not paying us back every dime, that’s not the way it works, we’re here to help you, they went and they go the extra mile when their back on their feet to make sure they pass it forward to somebody else. That’s the person that I want in the oval office.