A car driver and his passenger died in an accident. A police officer at site saw a monkey came out of the crumpled car. The officer said, “I wish you could talked.” and the monkey shook his head.“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again the monkey shook his head.“Did you see what happened?” The monkey shook his head, motioned as if he has a can in his hand and put it into his lips.“They were drinking?” asked the officer. The monkey shook his head.“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and put them to his mouth.“They were smoking weeds?” Yes.“What were you doing during that time?”“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

An angry motorist went back to a battery shop where he’d purchased an expensive car battery 6 months earlier. He grumbled to the shop owner, “When I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would have.”“Sorry,” apologized the owner, “I didn’t think your car would last that long.”

A man got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”He turned around and replied, “So you want me to stay?”

The most embarrassing thing for a woman is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, “Oh my God, there’s another guy wearing a black tux, get me outta here.”

Sex According to your Zodiac Sign
ARIES: Know how to suck everything
TAURUS: Professionals at sex
GEMINI: The most obsessed about sex
CANCER: Makes you hot and excites you the max
LEO: The only sign that can make you touch the sky
VIRGO: The sweetest in bf and the best
LIBRA: The best lovers
SCORPIO: Sex, sex and more sex
SAGITTARIUS: Will try anything
CAPRICORN: Will devour you in bed
AQUARIUS: Will do anything in bed
PISCES: Will make you hot, excite you and have various ways of doing it.

A lady at a Victoria’s Secret boutique: “But seriously I don’t want to pay $50 for a bra. It is a boob holder. It is literally nothing more than cups where I can keep my boobs. It should not be such an expensive item, there are people out there who would be honored to hold my boobs. This bra should show some damn respect.”

People always think it’s so cute and romantic when my husband and I still call each other “Sweety” or “Honey.”
Truth is we’ve forgotten each other’s names years ago…

A man walks into a doctor’s office and puts a note on the doctor’s table which reads, “I can’t talk, help me!”
The doctor thinks for a while and says, “Put your right hand on the table.” The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his hand with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in agony, “AAAAAAAAAA…” and the doctor says, “Good, come back tomorrow and we’ll learn B.”

A boy saw two blind men who were about to fight. He then shouted…“I AM SUPPORTING THE ONE WITH A KNIFE.”
You could see how fast they both ran off…

Senior Wedding
Jacob, aged 92, and Ruby, aged 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a walk and pass a drugstore. Jacob suggest they go in..
JACOB: Are you owner?”
PHARMACIST: Yes.”
JACOB: “We’re about to get married? Do you have cardiac, cardiovascular drugs?”
PHARMACIST: “Of course we do.”
JACOB: “Medicines for rheumatism, arthritis, Parkinson’s?”
PHARMACIST: “Definitely.”
JACOB: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills?”
PHARMACIST: “Absolutely.”
JACOB: “You have wheelchairs and walkers?”
PHARMACIST: “All speeds and sizes.”
JACOB: “We’d like to use your store as our Bridal Registry..”