I've been lied to, robbed, and betrayed many times, from so many different people, even close people I thought were my friends.. Even people who had no other friends but me. Growing up as a kid, I had no friends except people that constantly picked on me. So I was loner in high school for a couple of years, until I met some new friends which didn't pick on me so much, but have still been so much trouble. Those of you that know me have heard some of these past stories.

Well, now there's a new situation. A friend of mine basically robbed me of some weed (the expression is he "pinched my bag"). That is, I bought a $20 bag, which is two cigars' worth (or 4-6 joints), which was actually in two separate $10 baggies. I ask him to break up one of them so we can roll it. He takes the bigger of the two bags, but after he opens it, the bag mysteriously gets smaller. I don't notice until the next day, when I open the other bag and notice it's so much bigger. A dealer isn't going to sell wildly inconsistent dime bags, at least not that inconsistent. To make sure my eyes were right, I had a friend of mine -- the same who rolled it (not the one who stole from me) -- look at it, and he agreed the second bag looked bigger, and that the other "friend" probably pinched my bag... that is, he took half my weed out of the plastic bag, kept what was left in the plastic bag itself, and then claimed the bag was just small. I'm nearly 100% certain that this happened, because I've had my suspicions that he's done this before, I've asked him about it, he denied it, and I erred on the side of trust because he's my friend. But this time, the difference is so great, and I have another friend who agrees with my perception.

I'm trying to not be angry about this and I don't even want compensation for the stolen weed (it was only a couple bowl hits' worth, at most $5, probably less, like $2 or $3, a very tiny amount). The issue is that he's borrowed a couple of my videogames and I want them back.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to his doorstep -- it'd be harder for him to lie to me face-to-face than over the phone -- with my mom there too -- she can help keep things cool, to keep things from getting violent... And I'm going to tell him I know what he did, ask for my stuff back, and break our friendship off.

This hurts a lot, because I've known this guy for years, he's never done anything this wrong to me before... This is the same guy who, when my house was broken into, a month later his house was broken into by the same people. I've tried so hard to have a good friendship with him, but he's always so insulting, demanding, and manipulative. We've had a few long talks and arguments recently about this stuff, and now he does this?

The thing is, if he tells me he sold my stuff or he refuses to give it back, I might fight him. My whole life, my problem is that I've been a coward, not a bully or a brute. Standing up like this is a part of good character, and I need to do it for the sake of whatever dignity I could claim to have, or honor. But that's just if he doesn't have my stuff. In all likelihood, he still has my stuff (he has no legitimate ID and doesn't have a car, so he couldn't have pawned my stuff) and will hand it over.

I don't want to fight him, though. Until recently, he's been a nice guy. Also, he has a mild form of cystic fibrosis, which means his lungs aren't very good, so much so that fighting him will (probably) be easy. But who knows -- it's not that bad, and there's also a decent chance he might win. I doubt he'll see the first punch coming, though. He's got a pretty massive ego, downright narcissistic. It's a problem he's developed recently, or maybe it was like a seed already there, which just blossomed. In his mind, he's the greatest person in the world, knows everything (hence he'll dispute everything I say, no matter how trivial -- making it impossible to have a conversation with him nowadays), and in discussions of women, even when it's just the two of us, he'll make up these pretty blatant fibs of past sexual encounters. I'm pretty sure he's a virgin and me and some others suspect he might be one of those gay people afraid to admit their sexuality to themselves (it's a long story -- the short part is: he's had circumstances where attractive women threw themselves at him and he turned them down).

Anyway, I doubt anybody here will understand, because of the type of people you are -- that's not a bad thing. I'm not saying you're bad, but on the contrary, you're too good. Your strict insistence on morality can't let you see how things are. You'd let people exploit you to the fullest and either deny you're unhappy, or claim there's some deep religious reason for it, instead of seeing you aren't happy because you can't stand up for what you believe in.

Since I was young, people have looked at me like a lion looks at the weak antelope in a pack of them. In public schools at least, you have to be willing to take a punch for what's yours and those people that don't give off that vibe. And those are the people that get picked on, bullied, robbed, humiliated. Psychologically, we have a tendency to overexaggerate our misfortune, but I've been certain, through calm times and everything, that it's been because of my fear and hate of violence that I have been so tormented.

While it would be good for the world to give up violence and anger, in my own life the fear of pain, the lack of courage, is equally responsible for allowing such a thing to occur, again and again. But not this time.

Anyway, I recognize that anger also clouds one's judgment and I don't want to be angry -- that's why I'm posting here. I doubt anyone will have much of anything good to say, except perhaps a few certain people, but it is good at least to vent my anger, so that I am calm when I see my friend tomorrow. I was wise enough, too, to have waited several days after I first found out about the theft before confronting my friend. I knew, on the day that I discovered what happened, that I needed a couple days to cool off... And I am more calm now, but the anger is still there, and even tomorrow, it might be re-awakened.

Hopefully, though, that won't happen and things will work out peacefully!

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” - Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:in mountain clefts and chasms,loud gush the streamlets,but great rivers flow silently.- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Anyway, I doubt anybody here will understand, because of the type of people you are -- that's not a bad thing. I'm not saying you're bad, but on the contrary, you're too good. Your strict insistence on morality can't let you see how things are. You'd let people exploit you to the fullest and either deny you're unhappy, or claim there's some deep religious reason for it, instead of seeing you aren't happy because you can't stand up for what you believe in.

What you describe is what Trungpa called "idiot compassion" and has little or nothing to do with karuna. On the contrary sila takes real guts and acting out from our basic impulses is pretty easy. Being a coward is hardest because it just feels so bad inside.

I grew up in a mixed neighbourhood and went to a pretty mixed sort of school for the first 7 year in the old USSR. I was bullied pretty bad too and for years carried the anger and resentment with me, across decades and continents. One day I realized it was not there anymore.

It is not a choice between karuna and violence. Nor between being a bully and a victim. When I start treating myself with respect, taking responsibility for what I do, others will sense it and their attitudes will change. But most of all my friends will change. My environment will change. I will live a more authentic life rather than one which is full of choices between the bad and the very bad.

Anyway, do what you must. Do what you can really stand behind. And what you can live with afterwards.

He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion … ...He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.John Stuart Mill

"These four, young householder, should be understood as foes in the guise of friends:

(1) he who appropriates a friend's possessions,(2) he who renders lip-service,(3) he who flatters,(4) he who brings ruin.

(1) "In four ways, young householder, should one who appropriates be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he appropriates his friend's wealth,(ii) he gives little and asks much,(iii) he does his duty out of fear,(iv) he associates for his own advantage.

(2) "In four ways, young householder, should one who renders lip-service be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he makes friendly profession as regards the past,(ii) he makes friendly profession as regards the future,(iii) he tries to gain one's favor by empty words,(iv) when opportunity for service has arisen, he expresses his inability.

(3) "In four ways, young householder, should one who flatters be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he approves of his friend's evil deeds,(ii) he disapproves his friend's good deeds,(iii) he praises him in his presence,(iv) he speaks ill of him in his absence.

(4) "In four ways, young householder, should one who brings ruin be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he is a companion in indulging in intoxicants that causeinfatuation and heedlessness,(ii) he is a companion in sauntering in streets at unseemly hours,(iii) he is a companion in frequenting theatrical shows,(iv) he is a companion in indulging in gambling which causes heedlessness."

Thus spoke the Exalted One. And when the Master had thus spoken, he spoke yet again:

The friend who appropriates,the friend who renders lip-service,the friend that flatters,the friend who brings ruin,these four as enemies the wise behold,avoid them from afar as paths of peril.

"These four, young householder, should be understood as warm-hearted friends:

(1) he who is a helpmate,(2) he who is the same in happiness and sorrow,(3) he who gives good counsel,(4) he who sympathises.

(1) "In four ways, young householder, should a helpmate be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he guards the heedless,(ii) he protects the wealth of the heedless,(iii) he becomes a refuge when you are in danger,(iv) when there are commitments he provides you with double the supply needed.

(2) "In four ways, young householder, should one who is the same in happiness and sorrow be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he reveals his secrets,(ii) he conceals one's own secrets,(iii) in misfortune he does not forsake one,(iv) his life even he sacrifices for one's sake.

(3) "In four ways, young householder, should one who gives good counsel be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he restrains one from doing evil,(ii) he encourages one to do good,(iii) he informs one of what is unknown to oneself,(iv) he points out the path to heaven.

(4) "In four ways, young householder, should one who sympathises be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he does not rejoice in one's misfortune,(ii) he rejoices in one's prosperity,(iii) he restrains others speaking ill of oneself,(iv) he praises those who speak well of oneself."

Wouldnt you have lost the weed anyway, why fight to get something back that you cant keep?

I think it comes down to a choice. You can either choose to follow the path of the world and engage in a dispute to regain your stolen property or you can choose the path of wisdom and peace, which involves reflection, non-craving/clinging and Voidness

The way of the world is about justice/revenge, property, arguments, violence and dukkha

The way to ultimate peace is forgivness, letting go, compassion, reflection and Anatta/Voidness

Neither path is "evil" but one leads to more peace than the other and lets face it, "who" wants to suffer?

As for your friend, if he did steal it then my advice would be to cut off contact with him.

Better to walk alone than to walk with a fool

The thing is, if he tells me he sold my stuff or he refuses to give it back, I might fight him. My whole life, my problem is that I've been a coward, not a bully or a brute. Standing up like this is a part of good character, and I need to do it for the sake of whatever dignity I could claim to have, or honor. But that's just if he doesn't have my stuff

Standing up for "dignity" or "honour" are wrapped up with "I" and "me". Where is this "I" or "me" that needs to be defended so?

The core problem is the weed consumption, which brings Individual into the same repetitive problems, similar ones we've heard before.

One time it's getting disappointed, burglared and things stolen, at other times it is procrastinating studies...

The problems arise due to the characters in the scene, the repetitive dope burns they inevitably have, due to their financial problems, plus the paranoia and irritability the stuff can induce...it is hard to see it when you are stuck in a habit, and selfmedicate inner tensionwith it.

Hard to get out too.

I wish Individual the clarity to see this, and to somehow find the strenght to overcome the craving. I hope it is possible through the dhamma.

But he has to want to, and so far he doesn't seem to see the necessity...

If he didn't hang out with people who crave drugs, he wouldn't lose dope to them, right?

Anger consumes us and causes us all sorts of problems, so it's an intelligent move on your behalf to have waited for your anger to abate somewhat. Also taking your Mum along is a great idea. Mum's tend to be a force for good in these situations, and keep things from getting out of hand. Getting violent over $5 of drugs really isn't worth it, but I think you already know that. I would echo everyone else to say you don't need this guy in your life, and it's a good decision you've had to cut off this fetter.

Hope everything works out my friend

MettaJack

"For a disciple who has conviction in the Teacher's message & lives to penetrate it, what accords with the Dhamma is this:'The Blessed One is the Teacher, I am a disciple. He is the one who knows, not I." - MN. 70 Kitagiri Sutta

Sounds like it's worth a shot trying to get your games back, and after that, not seeing any more of this 'friend'... doesn't sound like he's a particularly good person to have in your life.

All the best, and I hope fisticuffs aren't required.

Metta,Retro.

Forgot to mention: I've been meaning to break ties again, as I've done many times in the past. This time, it should be for good. I've got two friends -- Alastair (the thief) and Chris. Chris has kids, he's gotten mellow as he's gotten older, and he would be understanding if I just didn't answer the phone or want to go out. Alastair, the thief, is the crazy one. His cystic fibrosis will shorten his lifespan considerably, but he's in denial about it and smokes cigarettes and marijuana despite that. When I went in the house before, he called me nearly every day for 2 months... I didn't pick up, but still, nearly every day, he called. He is so neurotic; he is needy. He constantly needs the pleasure of company, of going out somewhere, and if he doesn't get it, he feels horribly miserable and questions my loyalty to him.

For a long time now, I've foreseen that something like this would happen, and I have been anticipating it. Because it's far easier to break ties when on bad terms than when they think they're your friends. If they think they're your friends, they will still call. But if they see me as an enemy, they have no reason to call.

I'm not doing it anymore... at least, not for a long while (maybe when it's legalized, someday?). Only because, for now, the drawbacks of a bad memory and laziness outweigh the benefits... But as for why people do it... Why drink alcohol? The drawbacks are about the same, maybe less than alcohol because they don't seem to be permanent.

I'm not doing it anymore... at least, not for a long while (maybe when it's legalized, someday?). Only because, for now, the drawbacks of a bad memory and laziness outweigh the benefits... But as for why people do it... Why drink alcohol? The drawbacks are about the same, maybe less than alcohol because they don't seem to be permanent.

what is better mindfulness or lack of mindfulness?discipline or lack of discipline?wholesomeness or lack of wholesomeness?

He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them. But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion … ...He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.John Stuart Mill

I'm not doing it anymore... at least, not for a long while (maybe when it's legalized, someday?). Only because, for now, the drawbacks of a bad memory and laziness outweigh the benefits... But as for why people do it... Why drink alcohol? The drawbacks are about the same, maybe less than alcohol because they don't seem to be permanent.

what is better mindfulness or lack of mindfulness?discipline or lack of discipline?wholesomeness or lack of wholesomeness?

Negative self-judgments are not useful. It seems more prudent to try to enjoy life and not be overly concerned with discipline or morality.

Individual wrote:It seems more prudent to try to enjoy life and not be overly concerned with discipline or morality.

Hence, the situation you now find yourself in, individual. And this observation is not negative or subjective, but is apparent to Manapa, myself and others here. Through your states of mind and actions, you are creating the situations you find yourself in.

Try practicing Dhamma, including maintaining all of the precepts, and you might actually find your life improve for the better.Talking about Dhamma without practicing it - its like someone reciting or discussing a doctor's prescription without actually taking the medicine. Its meaningless. And until you start taking the medicine of Dhamma - you won't get any better.

Ben

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” - Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:in mountain clefts and chasms,loud gush the streamlets,but great rivers flow silently.- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Individual wrote:It seems more prudent to try to enjoy life and not be overly concerned with discipline or morality.

Hence, the situation you now find yourself in, individual. And this observation is not negative or subjective, but is apparent to Manapa, myself and others here. Through your states of mind and actions, you are creating the situations you find yourself in.

Try practicing Dhamma, including maintaining all of the precepts, and you might actually find your life improve for the better.Talking about Dhamma without practicing it - its like someone reciting or discussing a doctor's prescription without actually taking the medicine. Its meaningless. And until you start taking the medicine of Dhamma - you won't get any better.

Ben

Agreed. There could hardly be a more clear-cut case of direct cause and effect.

It might be worth noting that your friend is following the same path, and because he is not overly concerned about morality, sees no problem in lying to you and swiping your weed and enjoying it. Look down the path you are on, and you will see your friend. Is that where you want to go?

Individual wrote:It seems more prudent to try to enjoy life and not be overly concerned with discipline or morality.

Hence, the situation you now find yourself in, individual. And this observation is not negative or subjective, but is apparent to Manapa, myself and others here. Through your states of mind and actions, you are creating the situations you find yourself in.

Try practicing Dhamma, including maintaining all of the precepts, and you might actually find your life improve for the better.

Avoiding killing bugs, abstaining from caffeinated soda, and from pornography, is not going to improve one's life by any measure.

I am improving my life in an appropriate way.

Ben wrote:Talking about Dhamma without practicing it - its like someone reciting or discussing a doctor's prescription without actually taking the medicine. Its meaningless. And until you start taking the medicine of Dhamma - you won't get any better.

I agree, though I think we might disagree on the meaning of "dhamma".

In any case, tonight I have broken ties. I've explained this to my friends in the past as "hibernation" (I hope it catches on culturally!), a Buddhist might call it a "retreat"... where I will cut off all contact with everyone I know (which is only a few people presently) except my mom and my dog. The result is that I have a clearer perspective on things, on what matters to me most, and I am more self-confident and motivated. As I felt in the past, today I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from me, like chains have been removed, a debt has been paid off, or I have been released from prison: Freedom, to do whatever I wish without unwanted outside criticism.

I have some videogames I'd like to finish first (and a new one coming out which I've already pre-ordered), but soon I'd like to get to work on the project of re-constructing my life which I wanted to work on in the past: A strict daily schedule of exercise and learning, and with a good diet and good hygiene. In only a couple of weeks, I have to register for college, for classes in the Spring, to get that Radiology Tech. degree... For now, that's my only real concern and I can't even imagine what I might do beyond that -- live happily ever after, maybe? I don't need anyone to be happy, except perhaps at least a dog.

Individual wrote:It seems more prudent to try to enjoy life and not be overly concerned with discipline or morality.

Hence, the situation you now find yourself in, individual. And this observation is not negative or subjective, but is apparent to Manapa, myself and others here. Through your states of mind and actions, you are creating the situations you find yourself in.

Try practicing Dhamma, including maintaining all of the precepts, and you might actually find your life improve for the better.Talking about Dhamma without practicing it - its like someone reciting or discussing a doctor's prescription without actually taking the medicine. Its meaningless. And until you start taking the medicine of Dhamma - you won't get any better.

Ben

Agreed. There could hardly be a more clear-cut case of direct cause and effect.

It might be worth noting that your friend is following the same path, and because he is not overly concerned about morality, sees no problem in lying to you and swiping your weed and enjoying it. Look down the path you are on, and you will see your friend. Is that where you want to go?

Who knows more about my life and my mind, you or me?

I know the path I've walked in my life and it's been marked by laziness and cowardice, which both supported eachother. At a young age, kids picked on me which made me sad, which made me unconcerned with schoolwork or personal hygiene, which made me even more of a target, which made me feel worse... I became an "adult" if you could call it that, but still remained laziness and afraid as ever.

If, when I was young, I was to stand up for myself, I would have never had to rebuild confidence in myself or lost dignity. If I ever stuck to those exercise plans and stayed in shape, and took care of myself, I would not have been a target. It's not been immorality that's been my problem at all and the notion that simply being a nice person will magically make you happy is a delusion. There are lots of nice people who are exploited all the time... A person has to be not simply kind and moral, but strong and wise to understand when force or violence or intimidation is necessary, not being swayed by either anger and pride, or pity and fear. I am not a person who needs a lesson in morality, because I am not a brute. If I ever become such a person -- like those who have harmed me -- then, that is something I should worry about, but not here and now.