Not Remotely Live Blog – Stuttgart Women’s All-Around

So, this competition happened about 175 hours ago, but I wasn’t awake then. I’m awake now and watching it. So if you’d like to join me, I will have comments on the Simone-Aliya show we need in our lives.

The event before this on the Olympic Channel seems to consist of watching people ski for a second and then die of exhaustion, which is a good sport.

Also cold. Be less cold, Norwegian lady. One of the traditional-dress attendants at the medal ceremony is carrying what appears to be a small child’s drawing of a pony, and it’s never explained, so this is excellent content.

We’ve got Tanith and Tim on the call here on the Olympic Channel.

Introduction update: Simone is good as the nastics.

Rotation 1

Carolyne Pedro on vault, does a solidly NCAA level Yfull. A 9.800 NCAA. Or a 10.000 if it were this weekend.

Aliya is vaulting. She’s being all eyeshadow and Aliya and already deserves a 50 . Adds back her DTY and it’s very strong with just a small hop. Aliya blows a kiss to Valentina about the Euros team and scores 14.400.

Hatakeda only has 3 hair clips and Yang Yilin is like TRY BETTER. Y1.5 with a little hop back. We see the German coaches talk about it for some reason.

Tanith and Tim talking about the unfairness of getting two-perred out of finals. YES WELCOME FRIENDS.

Seitz also does a DTY for the first time in 585 months and her coach is like, “Damn girl!” And gives totally “crushed it, bro” vibes to her other German coaches.

BRB officially unenrolling Seitz in school so that she can go to Euros. Eff those studies. 14.500 puts her ahead of Aliya.

Shout out to the woman in the crowd in the OU sweater. Her face is very “Why aren’t you Maggie?” right now.

Kim Bui on vault – did you know she’s 30? Because she’s 30. Time to die. Bounce back on full. NCAA 9.700/9.850 this weekend.

Ana Padurariu does a normal full with a hop in place, but it’s Ana Padurariu so it’s also the best full anyone has ever done ever I think. Is that how it goes?

Simone is here. News. She does a Cheng that it creepy-easy for her. Laurent Cam instructions have been given as Simone immediately finishes her vault and then we see none of Simone and just a shot of Laurent walking for 15 minutes.

15.400 for Simone, leading by a billion.

Charpy with a bounce back on her full, similar to Bui with a little more amplitude.

When Tanith says Lorette Charpy, it sounds like “The Red Sharpie” so I guess someone has a new name!

BREAKING: Simone is winning.

The problem with vault scoring is that Kovacs’ DTY and Hatakeda’s 1.5 scored the same.

Rotation 2

Bui nearly started too late. Just down to like one second on the clock. Tim called a Bhardwaj a “BuhHOTwaj” I think accidentally but also not accidentally. Why does Tim say, “named after a great AMERICAN gymnast” kind of like it’s a threat? A couple close catches in that routine but good rhythm and no major breaks.

13.800 can eat my farts.

Padurariu up next – lovely routine – only a small pause on her pak but works out of it well – a couple handstands – I feel like that uncontrolled stalder full on the low bar is just a deduction trap – a bit of a dead hang on her shoot to high – FTDT, low with a step forward –

The biggest shame of Octavian Belu’s career is that he didn’t kidnap her as a youth.

…What?

What’s crimes?

The Red Sharpie – UB – “even if she was doing it wrong, it helped her” – also had one close catch on a release and some pretty short hs, stuck FTDT. Nice.

The crowd at this event, sponsored by Ann Taylor Loft.

Tim is like “Charpy’s routine was amazing and Padurariu’s was trash,” which is an interesting hill to die on.

This is a competition of bars queens, and Pedro is going to have a much lower score with all these major straddles and horizontal handstands.

Hatakeda with an efficient routine – had a pretty significant hip angle in her bail and a couple short handstands – FTDT, secure – very typical of the Japanese bars team, not the most aggressive difficulty but solid enough competition to be competitive.

Tanith and Tim are struggling through to Tokyo 2020 qualification system, just like all of us.

Nice difficulty from Kovacs on bars – very close on a piked jaeger catch and some shorter handstands on most. Unconnected double tuck dismount and I’m trying to give her an up to level deduction because I’ve been watching too much NCAA.

Aliya is tremendous on bars of course – legs together on all of her releases and pirouettes, stuck FTDT, easy peasy looking again. Surprised Tim didn’t pull out Aliya’s getting her inbars back is harder than giving birth line. Which seems right down his alley.

Seitz also through quite comfortably – Church to pak to stalder with an arch that she pulls right back breaks the rhythm of the combination a little but comfortably worked through – FTDT with step back. 14.233 puts her still ahead of Mustafina.

Biles up last on bars – her counter rotation on her uprise tkatchev out of the shaposh looks better this year, a little less labored, getting some more distance from the bar and having to rely a little less on her strength to get up to handstand after that. Just the FTDT dismount.

14.300 is a higher bars score than Mustafina and Seitz, so that’s where Simone is right now.

They fixed the commercial for US nationals so they’re no longer claiming that Morgan Hurd is a US national champion like they were during American Cup.

Rotation 3

Kovacs on beam is having checks on most of her acro elements. Actually nice to see that her split leap was semi-real, though. Got better as it went with solid performances on the loso series and double turn – Double tuck, a little short with a hop.

Tim just sais “eveets” instead of “events” and I had to rewind it three times. That’s also my nickname for Evita. Good old Eveets.

Apparently we’ve ditched Carolyn Pedro for the third rotation. GET OUT.

Bui hits her layout two feet mount with a leg-up check. Wild octopus legs on her loso series but also keeps it on the beam. Hits straight jump 1.5! I mean, yes, she has a legitimate bend at the hips on every single skill, but she also stayed on the beam and it’s a victory.

Given my definite and accurate ability to lipread, she said, “[sigh] Scheiß” when hugging her coach. How could anybody not like her?

11.800 is honestly a “good improvement” score.

Hatakeda on beam “very popular moment with the new rules” I mean, they’re not new rules, they just changed some skill values. Really solid beam routine. Minimal on the checks. Short double pike with a step forward. Comfortable hit. 12.900

The Red Sharpie up on beam – wolf triple to wolf double turn combination with is aggressively hellish but she does it pretty smoothly – This is very fluid beam work, minimizing the checks, just a pause or two – double pike and college sticks it. Really strong.

Sometimes you see Charpy get these huge beam scores at the Top 12 meets in France and you’re like, “Bless…” but while this routine won’t earn one of those 14s, it’s impressive. 13.666. Huge score.

Tim is already putting Lorette on the French team in 2020. Which, I mean, she’s favored right now, but don’t count your chickens there. This is like Bela putting Jana Bieger on the team at 2008 trials.

Padurariu next up – hits her back dive to candle mount – lovely wolf triple – her side aerial to loso loso is a dream, and her switch 1/2 is even acceptable – finishes double pike with a step. She is a dream. 14.333

Tanith and the name Padurariu have not been friends so far today.

Aliya switch 1/2 to onodi and immediately falls. Aliya’s like, “This is podium training right?” No trouble with the acro series now, baby gives you acro series – side aerial to accidental scale and an aerial to accidental scale – Aliya doesn’t make mistakes, just every skill goes to scale now. We’re all doing it. One beam routines, we do scale. Double tuck, short with lunge.

I love how Tim is shocked, SHOCKED I tell you that Aliya had a bad beam routine. Girl, it happens. Kind of a lot.

LOL, Simone nearly fully Wolfkinos her wolf turn – two and then a stand up step around – leg-up break on a back pike – she isn’t doing the barani and you know I’m over the moon about not having to deal with that damn barani – great FTDT dismount, hop back

I mean, we’ll probably see that barani come back this year, but for now, I am claiming victory and grabbing a scepter and a comically large flag. That barani is my Skeletor.

Rotation 4

Bui – FX – opens her routine with the “talk to the head because the face doing cancer research” – you know, the old trope – cool use of pipette titration in the corner before her third pass. Solid hit.

Breaks 52 in the AA.

I love how this broadcast is just Utah State-ing Carolyne Pedro and no one else.

Kovacs – FX – hands down on her double double tuck attempt – nearly does the same on her full in landing and her double back final pass. Not a strong routine of landings there. Tim is talking about her like he just heard of her and she’s brand new. 11.333.

Aliya on floor – really good double arabian, very solid landing and only a bit of cowboy – in fact, all of her landings are super solid – doesn’t go for the quad turn, just the triple, not pushing it on the turns – and just a 2/1 dismount pass, but strong.

Tim telling Aliya that she needs to keep her legs together on floor twisting elements. Well yeah. Hasn’t changed in the last 10 years, not going to change now.

Hatakeda fully Paseka-rolls out of her wolf turn double like she’s on fire, so I’m all in with this routine. Bounce back OOB on her full in. Rest of the passes mostly solid, deep on double pike final pass.

The Red Sharpie – falls out of a Memmel turn for probably not credit, but nailed her double front, so makes up for it – was super deep on her double pike and stumbled back, one step OOB. “A good routine…for her.” But I mean true.

12.566 puts her ahead of Aliya. Well, she’s lived a full life.

Seitz – FX – draws a heart with her fingers before her first pass, automatically disqualified. End of routine. I feel like this routine is a sarcastic impression of how white people dance. Very inishgtful modern art. Tumbling all very solid. She had a very strong AA performance.

“Ana Padurariu of Canada in her final moments…here” After yesterday’s Miss Val in memoriam broadcast, it’s probably always good to clarify when people we’re watching aren’t actually dead. This routine is very “I’m going to do like one double pike, and you’re going to love it, fetch” and she’s right.

Padurariu into 2nd.

Oh HERE’s where they cut out the closeup of Simone’s hair, but the did cut it out.

Finishing up the meet with Simone’s floor. FTDLO as her first pass, easy peasy – Dmitri Lankin walking by in the background like “I have shame” – Biles to a crazy-horizontal stag, shot out directly sideways – full-in in combination, small hop – double double tuck with another bounce back OOB. Not her most difficulty, mostly the usual landings.

Simone goes 58.800 in the AA to win. So that’s that. Padurariu in 2nd and Seitz in 3rd.

Seriously! Doesn’t know a single skill name. Has no idea what the scores mean. Knows nothing about the athletes. It’s a serious joke. Literally adds nothing of value to the feed except saying their names.

If some of the top 8 don’t want to send anyone, they keep going down the line until someone does. In this case, China opted out and apparently everyone else kept doing so until Hungary. Some make sense like GB not sending anyone because the British Championships were this weekend. Some seem odd like the Netherlands not sending anyone when they clearly had someone healthy since they had a bunch at the team challenge. I assume that next year with Olympic spots on the line, none of the top teams will opt out of the AA World Cups though.

Watched the early morning live version on mute as I find ignorance and misogyny don’t pair well with cheap black coffee. This snark-fest of a live blog has (as always) cleansed the bad aftertaste of a terribly commentated competition so I thank you, once again, Spencer, our sarcasm dream.