Married or Dating a Passionless Partner

Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Many of these are due to couples who were dating passionless people, but thought they could change them after marriage. Some of these are due to couples who grew apart because the marriage died due to a loss of passion with one of the partners. The rest of the divorces are due to a sundry of issues, but overall if you are with someone who sits on the couch, in their Lazy Boy recliner, or at work staring at a TV, a monitor, or out the window watching life, but not engaging with it, you are with a passionless partner. Passion doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with one’s sex drive, but it has everything to do with one’s interests, curiosity, and drive for life.

Marital research has proven time and time again that couples who engage in novel experiences together report being happier together and report being more satisfied in their marriage than couples who don’t share novel experiences. The biggest proponent of a novel experience is the “newness” of it, and sharing that experience. It made no difference in the studies how long the couple was together as there is a vastness of experiences to share; the biggest hurdle is keeping your passion and curiosity alive in your marriage to engage in the experiences. Couples who are dating may not consider how important their partner’s interests are to them and rather than discuss their lack of interest, they usually accommodate one another’s lack believing it will change after marriage. This most likely will not change. If you are with someone who gives everything to their work, comes home exhausted, and has nothing to give you, most likely you will end up with little more than a paycheck.

It’s interesting how couples project the blame onto one another when they find themselves with a passionless person. Somehow they give the total responsibility to the other person when they themselves cannot clearly identify a passion they own. If I were to ask you, what turns you on in life, you should be able to make a list of at least five things you are curious about and want to explore further. If you cannot come up with a list that doesn’t have anything to do with a TV Show, a channel on TV such as ESPN, or some other “program” you are being lazy and need to research your area of interests. It happens frequently that women and men tell me they are dating and not having any luck. They usually blame their looks or their weight, or their job, or their kids, and many other things, but they don’t ever blame their own lack of passion or interest. As a culture we rely heavily on our sex appeal, but being a passionate person is much deeper and broader than ones’ sex appeal. In fact, you get sexier when you are a person of interest or passion. If you feel as though you are on a treadmill and this is all there is in life, you need to become curious and develop a passion. Below are a few suggestions to help you get started.

Begin by brainstorming and identifying what you love. Talk to your friends, consider taking a Myers Briggs exam so you can begin exploring what you have an aptitude for, and would like to explore further.

Browse a book store. Get ideas by looking at books, categories, and purchase a book that attracts your attention. The flow of new ideas is always wonderful in developing interests.

Try one new class. Talk to your partner about what you are learning. You don’t have to be good at it; the sex appeal comes from the fact that you are developing your mind instead of sitting on a couch.

Start one new habit each week beginning on Sunday and commit to it all week-long. Friends are great, but it’s important that you do this on your own, because friends many times lock us into our loss of passion. If you change, they have to change and this is sometimes threatening to friends.

Prior to opening yourself and trying new things, talk to your partner about the change. This is important because they need to know you are not rejecting them. You are rejecting the loss of passion in yourself and what you are bringing to the relationship. Sometimes when you change, your partner will change because of your change in the way you react to them as you develop more passion.

Couples who are committed to one another and want to continue to grow their love must stay curious and interested in something other than the TV, the computer or iPhone. One of the easiest ways to identify your passion is to think about your death. What will your life show about the kind of person you were? In fact, that is a very good question to begin with prior to accusing your spouse or date that they are passionless. –Mary Jo Rapini