Monday, November 23, 2009

"You know Nate's phone rang and so did mine. I knew it. We are connected. Maybe I should marry him.""Mate?""Nate!""What are you saying?""I am talking of Nate. Nate from Six Feet Under!""Oh! Nate..!""Yes, I know my blocked nose and fucked up throat makes everything sound so differ ant.""Yes. It does.""What do you think? Should I marry Nate? I wish I could marry that cute gay too. Darn! Why did he have to be gay?""WHAT are you saying?""Yes! I have been dreaming of this cute gay guy for the past three days. I met him months back and when I spoke to this friend of mine some three days back, she told me he was asking for my number.""L! I can not understand you.""Oh! Come on! He is really cute. I just want him to turn heterosexual for me.""I am not jealous L, if you think.""Of course you are not. You are not that type."Why are you not, G? :("Just let me know when you want to break up with me, so that i am mentally prepared.""Oh! Don't you worry that I would.""Hmmm.""So.....?""So what?""So, how was your day?""My day..... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...."YAWN!"...And then there is this match tomorrow between XYZ and JKL..."YAWN "Yes...""And you of course do not know what I am talking about.""No. But then you are talking and that is nice.""Yeah." Given up."So what are you wearing?""How does that matter?""No. It does not.""Of course it does not.""Yes. No matter how much you may like me pouncing on you, it does not matter.""Not like you are in the mood.""Yes I am not but you can answer me.""Not all questions are meant to be answered.""Okay. I shall go and sleep now.""Did you practice this conversation?""No. I do not practice any of my conversations. Why?"Because you always sound so mechanical."No. Just generally.""Oh! So you wanted to sound all hep.""What is so hep about this?""I do not know. Why are you talking like this?""No. Just asked. Anyway, so you must be tired. Go to sleep.""Do not make it sound like it is my fault.""Well I am not. I mean it. Go. Sleep.""I have had a tiring day.""I understand and that is why I am saying Go and Sleep.""But you are making me feel guilty about wanting to sleep.""No. I do not mean it that way. I am serious. Go. Sleep.""What are you wearing?""I do not know.""This is the lamest anybody can get. 'I do not know' is the stupidest answer to any question.""Hmmm.""Okay. Good Night.""Good Night. Sleep Well."

Phew.

This was one of our longer conversations. Lately, by which I mean some three-four months, we have just been talking too little and for some strange reason, neither of us feel the need to talk more. Ages, since we had a conversation. A random one or even a serious one. I guess we are bored.

And that to be honest is O.K.A.Y. Every relationship hits a high point, a low point and a bore point. It is bound to come when you love someone so much and know just about everything. You no longer think and guess what they must be doing right now, you know what they must be doing. You know what facial expression is going to follow after that sentence, and even complete their verbal reactions to it. They become predictable. Hence, boring.

It is rather hard to love immensely and hold interest, both, at the same time. We humans are a little too restless to handle both. I for one, definitely am.

"I am really pissed off.""Okay. Then listen to the latest news.""What?""I think I want to break up with G.""What? Why?""Because I am bored.""How boring is that.""What?""You want to break up with him because you are bored in your relationship?""Yes. I need something more exciting. Something that is happening. There is just nothing happening in our relationship. We wake up. Walk our ways to office. Maybe talk for a minute or two again in the evening, only to say 'lets talk later' and then 'Good Night' around 11-12. It is so fucking mechanical. It is so routined. And I hate it.""At least have an exciting reason to break up. Cheat on him!""You know I can not do that.""Because you love him.""YES!""Then why do you want to break up?""Because I am bored.""Well, then make up a story of cheating on him.""Hah. Like that is going to work. He will never believe me. He KNOWS me.""Come on. He has a cock. He will get jealous.""Well, there you go. One of the biggest advantages of having a fat girlfriend is being free of insecurities.""That is not true.""I know my fucking boyfriend and he knows me too. And THAT is our fucking problem.""Well.... At least have an exciting break up.""Exciting like what? Go. See him. Fuck him. And then break up with him.""Yeah. That sounds fun.""Do you realize I am in love with this guy?""Then do not break up.""Then what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am bloody bored.""And you guys do not even fight.""Exactly.""Lets go out this weekend.""I am desperate. I need a vacation so bad.""Lets seriously plan this tomorrow when we meet.""Totally. I need to get away from allot of things."

Now, I know what a want. The reason why I burst into tears the other day in front of everyone without any reason or even an obvious emotional trigger, shocking the living daylights of all the people around me was clear. The reason why G has been lately scared of what I say, how I say it and what I exactly mean is clear. The reason why I want to break up is clear. The reason for my mood swings is clear.

I am plain unhappy with myself. I am not a mechanical person, but I am living a mechanical life. I am used to of doing what I want to. I am living the dream I always envisioned but did not see it as robotic, which is how it has become. I have no time for myself. For my expression. To stop. To feel. To realize. To feel free. To feel me.

I need some time off. I need a BREAK, sans the 'up'. And a good conversation with G. A random one. Not a practiced and planned one.

Monday, November 2, 2009

"So he slept in the Drawing Room", in the most expectant voice."Well... No. The first day we were all watching movies in my flat mate's room, so we slept there...""And the next day in the Drawing Room?", now her voice getting firm."No. In my room. On the Floor mattress." Both being a lie. We slept on my bed after exhaustive sex for those two days.

She decided to hang up on hearing my last line and not talk.

What is with Honesty, after all? Is it difficult because it is hard to admit or is it harder to accept? Maybe both. The fact that it is so hard for others to accept that others find it difficult to admit. Probably that is the reason why most of the honest people nowadays are considered 'blunt' and sometimes even 'ill-behaved' because they do not care whether you accept it or not.

For me, honesty has always been a matter of Self Honor. Be proud of what you have done else do not do it. This being the reason why I have never believed in lying except for times when I know it would hurt my mother or my sister. Also, I know I would want to tell them as soon as possible, at the closest right time.

So, this time, there were no secrets. G was coming for the weekend. He was staying with me. He is my boyfriend, everyone knows from day one, anyway. But, my sister thinks it is difficult for a couple to stay in one room and not get physical. And that is precisely what got her upset. Despite her long lectures and explanations about how G and I should not sleep in one room because 'it is different when your friends sleep with you and when your boyfriend does', he did sleep in my room and I did not lie.

The funny thing is, I hid my previous trips to G from them. My virginity is a secret and shall remain for some time. My mother hopes I will break up with G and ultimately marry a nice Muslim boy of her choice. What the truth is is still hidden.

Am I completely being honest? Do I have the balls to face the repercussions of these truths? Is this a question to my personal principles or am I exaggerating?

What makes people uncomfortable with letting out truth at any point of time to anybody, is that you will not be comfortable taking it in. Honesty, in actuality is as easy as you make it. But then how far does comfort decide the extent of honesty? I may let out all that I want to on this Blog, yet my identity remains in the dark and I am not even comfortable letting it out.

Funny how honesty plays around with you making you look like a big jerk in any situation, whether it is where you are lying or one where you are 'blunt' or just calculating how much is to be let out. Honesty is a bitch! And Honor? Fuck it!

P.S. - This had to be a post about G and his beautiful short trip to see me, but unfortunately things do not go the way you plan them. Sometimes you are thinking of something and something else would fuck up your mind to the extent of overtaking your original emotions that were meant to be expressed.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

It was time. It was past eleven. My play list was set. I had my Beer Mug in hand. The froth of my Cold Coffee looked tempting, as always. Only this midnight, it was going to be a Banana Shake and not the usual Cold Coffee.

M: can i ask u somethingsomething tells meor i have a strong gut instinctthat u are quite tallme: LOL. You have funny instincts. :PM: cos its trueand i totally lovetall fair girlswith long hairhahahaa:)me: What if I have none of these attributes?M: i still love u:)as my lusciousits who u are that mattersthe amazing person inside personthe person inside u that attracted ment ur looksu can be a waitress or the princess of londonyet u'll always be ma girlme: It really sounds better in books.M: no babestrust a guy when he says thisme: 'trust a guy' Ok. And why so?M: :)cos u will always know when a guy says these thingsu dont need to trust himwhen he saysur bfulor ur wonderful etcit mite simply meanu have big boobs and i wanna sleep with ubutwhen he saysi dont care who u arebut i'll still love uit means he really means itand he cares abt uso trust a guy when he says thislol

G and I chatted every night and in no time were the 'most beautiful people' in each others lives with he having seen my 'deceptive half picture' and me having my own idea of his height weight looks. But we knew we had something.

After a continued long discussion on Internet relationships with M, a fellow Blogger.

M: waitso where does all the " knowing him so well" go ?ritecan u really tellme: It takes a life and yet you will nvr knoe everything abou a prson It is just about being comfortable, that is it.M: exactlyabsolutelybang on targetbeing comfortablebeing urself near himu dont need to know himif ur like thatu mite as well as teach him a few movesto satisfy u physically or emotionally, if needed ;)u wont feel hesitantcos ur so much urself and comfortable with himme: True but it depends on an individual how do they work on their relationships.M: yea... :)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

"Where are you?""Right there. On the stairs.""I do not see you. Okay, I think I can see you..."They saw each other, smiled and put their cellphones back."Hi L!", extending his hand."Hello!", as my chirpy self and we shook hands like two clients meeting forthe first time to discuss a grand marketing deal. Not like we were any better. We were ex lovers meeting for the first time.

"Shit! I can not believe I am sitting here with you."I smiled thinking he was over reacting.He gave that look again."Relax S! Do you want me to pinch you?""Wow!"Okay! So, I was really in a relationship with HIM!"So, How are you?""I am ecstatic. I am sitting with you here. What do you expect?"Wow! So, someone could be that excited to see me that his ear to ear smile would not compress? Alright! He was always 'too into me'. And that was precisely the reason that drew me away from him."What will you have?""Coffee?""WHAT!? We meet for the first time and you want to have just coffee? You will have to eat something."Phew! I am so happy this is not a date."I really do not want to. You order what you want to have.""I did not have lunch thinking we will have it together.""It is 16:30.""So?""Umm. Okay. Lets order."We take some 10 minutes to decide what counter to go to at the Food Court. And finally when he gets into a line."Will you have x?""No, thank you S.""Okay. Will you have y?""No S.""Z?""S!",giving him one of those stern GrandMa looks."No. This is not fair. You will have to eat something.", dancing like a stubborn kid who wants that toy else he will sit right there on the floor and cry for it.Helplessly,"S!"He tries one of the most pathetic puppy dog faces I have ever seen."Ice Cream! And that is it!"He finally ordered. Phew! It was a task, I swear!We sat on our table and once again came that look. Someone slap me for coming here!"This is for you.", sliding a small packet with a card towards me."What is it?""A present for you.""Why?"Do we women love this or what."Just like that.""No S. I am sorry. I can not accept it.""Look at it first at least. It is nothing great." WHAT!? TAKE IT AWAY RIGHT NOW!"No S."Has any woman accepted a gift willingly no matter how desperately she wants it? Acting pricey comes naturally, like breasts.After 5-10 minutes of being a typical woman, he takes the gift. WTF! I knew I was overdoing it. Darn!He opened it himself and took out a shining Gold bracelet. Fuck!"No way. I just can not accept this."And he tries to push it on my wrist."S... S..."Looking at it more carefully, Oh! What was he thinking? It would have looked better in Silver."S... I really can not take this.""Now, stop all this. This is not even expensive if you are thinking that." Err... Okay."S... Please. This is not needed.""This is not even real." Whoa! O-K-A-Y. You do not really talk about your own gifts like that. Do you?"S!"And he almost started dancing in the same way sitting on his chair."Okay. Okay. Thank you very much. It is beautiful."Argh. How much do I hate formalities. They only teach you how to lie.And the food came.And he started to feed me his food. Alright, now this is too much embarrassment for me to take in one day. Thank goodness I was in a different country which I would not return to for long, at least, if not never."So, how is F?""Oh! She is good.""Why didn't you bring her? I would have loved to meet her.""She is out of town.""Okay."Changing the topic, "You are very bad, L. You are meeting me today when you are leaving tomorrow. Get your ticket cancelled.""I can not. I have work.""This is very unfair.""I am sorry but I was here for a very short while, anyway. Yet I managed to call and meet."He was about to start his whining and dancing when I interrupted, "So, How are things between you and F?" "Not great. We are having too many fights. It is getting difficult.""Marriage?""I do not know.""What do you mean, you do not know? What about your parents?""What? What about them?""It is an arranged thing, no?""No.""No? Then what was that long story about your mom seeing F in some gathering and fixing you up with her?""She was interning at my office.""O-K-A-Y."What a Bastard! I always knew he lied to me, and that innocent face! He deserved what I gave him then. Huh.He went on with his entire love story, "But it does not seem to be working out.""Relax. Fights happen. It will work out. She sounds like a nice girl and you are a nice guy too. You both will make it happen."He actually aint that bad as a person."You think I am a nice guy?""Yes. I am sure.""Thet n why did you leave me the way you did?""Look, that was a sort of a mistake. I was not too sure. I just did not know where this was going.""We were together for four years. We had so much between us and you thought it was going nowhere? What did I not give you? What was missing, after all?"Oops. Wrong topic. Someone save me! But honestly, I really wanted this to get cleared between us. Probably this was my main motive to meet him. To get it cleared once and for all, face-to-face."Nothing. You were very nice to me. You loved me allot.""Exactly. Yet?""Look, I did not see this working out sitting in two different countries, chatting all our lives. And then I had different priorities.""I told you I will let you do what you want to.""It is easier said than done, S." "L, if you tried and if you loved me enough, this would have worked.""You think I did not try? Every time I was confused about our relationship and wanted to break up. I'd come back running to you, making efforts to make it work. We had everything. Everything was perfect."Holding my arm tight in anger, "Then what? What was wrong?" I thought I would never be able to answer him that question until this moment in our conversation. I could have easily screamed G's name then. I had skipped too many heartbeats, scared of the man sitting opposite to me, now.I was taken aback with his physical reaction or rather taken into that I had no reaction of my own."Look, you have no reason. You did not treat me right.""I am sorry for what I did. I know I should have not run away from the relationship the way I did.""If you would have talked to me, would I not understand? I always did, didn't I? Why did you have to cut all modes of interaction. Not replying to my mails, calls, pings, SMSs, nothing, whatsoever.""Look, I am sorry. It was a naive move. I should not have done it. I should have spoken to you. You understand me really well. In fact, I still thing, no one understands me the way you do.""Do you regret your decision?""Yes.""Good. You better.""I am sorry. Please. Really.", almost about to cry out of desperation. Desperate to get done with this situation, not to seek forgiveness."Would you marry me if things do not work out with F?""Ok, So I am your back up now?""No. You were my woman. The woman I wanted to live my entire life with, but you also happened to be the woman who hurt me the most, who betrayed me.""S...""Anyway... Would you?""What about G, then?""Oh! Yeah, I forgot.", giving a disgusted look, he turned his face away."Lets see... Could I fit you....", smiling."Why would there be a place for me?""If things do not work out with G and if you are able to convince my parents, then maybe.""Really?"I nod."I'd do anything to be with you. To keep you happy. To..."Uh Oh! Wrong topic, again.I smile, "Fine. When the situation arises then we would talk about it. And just in case it does not, we will have an extra marital. Deal?""No ya. F is a nice girl. I do not want to cheat on her."Okay. So you think you are one Greek God who deserves to cut the cake, have it and save some in the fridge for the next day too."Alright. Enough of good talks and bad talks. We should leave.""We just met.""Its been over two hours. Someone is coming to meet me. I have to go.""This is not fair. Give me your ticket. I am getting it cancelled.""S. Stop acting like this. At least we met. Something we thought would never happen.""I did not. You did.""Fine. I did..""And that is why you left me.""S...""Fine. I do not want us remembering our meeting with these conversations.""Exactly. Now, shall we leave?"We rise to leave, "L?""Yeah?""Can I please hug you?""Ofcourse."It was our first hug. I contemplated kissing on his cheek, but did not. Just didn't.

I have not been happier of a decision in my life. Breaking up with him after a long 'why do I want to break up' discussion never worked. I always cried and ran back to him within minutes with virtual Yahoo! hugs and kisses. I really was attached to him. He treated me like a Princess. He still would. He just knew how to treat his Lady Love like a Queen and spoil her till she started dancing like him. But this was not going to work for me in the future. I had known this for long. I knew he wanted an early marriage. I did not even know if I wanted one. He was in one country and I in another. We could meet or even make it work without meeting, but would that give me personal satisfaction? It was not working for me. It was not going to work for us. I knew it. And I had to stop wasting my time in such a relationship.

Why hold onto something that would give me nothing but would take allot from me and the other person? I had to stop this and I did. I blocked him from my life, mind, heart, which was not easy but blocking him on the Internet and ignoring his calls and SMSs made it easier. And with time it faded until I realized this was not a mature way to go about it or maybe when I felt emotionally stronger to face him again, only to find out his marriage is fixed with F. I cried to just get the shock out of my system.

My friend once said, "L, you think you will walk up to him after a year and he would still be there for you?" I fought over confidently. I knew he would. He was the sorts. Apparently, he was not. I did not feel a deep loss, just a bolt to my humongous ego. That is it.

Because this, undoubtedly, was so far the best decision I had ever taken for myself. The second was G. I am happier in life. I know what I am doing. And doing it effortlessly. Loving every bit of it.

Sorry S, I lied. I do not regret. WTF!? Did I really say 'yes' to him on that? Fuck Fuck Fuck! SLAP SLAP SLAP!

Monday, July 6, 2009

"I Love you and that too loads. (Please do not freak out, just having one of those I-Love-you-so-much days :P)" Message succesfully sent to G.

"Oh, you know I tried fighting with him yesterday, acting all pricey and he was shooo shweet. He kept calling back. Kept asking what happened. Was so concerned..."

"That is because you still have not crossed 6 months."

"I was talking to him in monosyllables. He asked me 'you do not want to talk?' And I said 'No', so he kept 'I Love you-ing' me."

The elder one jumped, "My guy! If I say No, he would say 'OK'."

"Better still, my guy would say a 'Hurray!' before the Bye, if I said 'No' to talking to him, with a little 'Thank you' too."

"Aww. Cho mean!"

There was a time when we were thick. Maybe we still are, somewhere. My two cousins still consider me extremely close to them but I seem to be moving away.

It is not just them. It is everybody. Maybe my blog too. I guess, living alone does not suit me. It kills me, professionally and personally, both. I hardly find people nice. I seem to have a problem with each one of them. And more so, cause I think they have a problem with me.

Trying hard to break free. Wake up with an attitude to kill, but once I am out of the house, I realize I left my sword behind. Have nothing to fight with.

Every single thing said by every single person irritates me. I want to shut myself in and yet be out fighting it. Because I do not like it. I do not want it.

No idea whether I am sinking or just floating in the middle of a deep blue sea.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Chatter: Yeah. Anyway R, I was saying...You and I will have to also part waysme: Why? And firstly, Why have you been referring to me as R since yesterday?Chatter: Because when I am talking to you I feel that i am talking to her behind a different veil. You maybe a third person completely...but every time I talk to you, I feel as if she is nearby.Forgetting someone you like, is not easy, and having you close won't help.me: Alright.Chatter: Thanksme: Are you sure?Chatter: Yesme: Anything that makes you comfortable. :) I am there whenever you want to talk. I am always there as a friend, whenever you need. :)Chatter: Thanks...take careme: You too. I will miss you.Chatter: Now don't make me cry...go :Pme: LOL. I really liked talking to you.Chatter: So did Ime: You were a good friend.Anyway, things always do not go as we plan. Whether it is your plan of spending an entire life with R. Or me making great friends with you. :) Take Care. Resource Humans well. ;) All the Best.Chatter: ha ha..sure :P cyame: Bye.Chatter: Bye.

For the next ten days I resist not pinging my favorite Blogger Online Friend. The only one whom I hit it off immediately in the first few conversations. Conversations so free flowing, comfortable and random that the last time I felt this way chatting with somebody was when G and I had hit it off. But much to my delight, Chatter pinged me and the old days seemed to come back. We chatted the way we did. We never discussed his past love, R, for another one month.

Chatter: So I guess its goodbye thenme: I really do not know what to say.Chatter: You don't have to...the choices we make...our actions speak a lot in themselvesIts okme: I guess you should know how weird it is to receive mails like the one you sent.And to be brutally honest with you, This is not a fair way to treat me. Anyway, to each to his own.Chatter: mails?me: I do not think I want to say much. Yes.The one you sent a few days back.("This is the deal, I feel u r my 'R' parading around with a diff name...but I could be wrong also. If u r not the same person, and you really want me to be around, then please do reveal your real identity...

if you can't and i can appreciate your reasons please do remember me in good light

god bless")Chatter: Have you imagined what it is like to have loved and lost to have imagined ones life with someone to have seen the possibility and then seen the light go out just because I am smiling does not mean I am okay.I am just trying to preserve my sanity now.me: I understand. But does that give you the right to hurt people?Chatter: But how did I hurt you? I asked you if you felt I was friend enough to know your real identity and you chose not to tell me about it.me: This is not the first time you have said you do not want to talk because you think I maybe R.It is irritating.And hurtful to see people coming and talking to you whenever they want to and then face their mood swings.Chatter: That i agree is my fault....for therein lies an assumption i made...that you were her and there was stuff you'd rather say to me as sealed lip than her so for me it was talking to the same person not different peopleme: Whatever. I know what you are talking. But ... forget it. I do not think I see any point in saying anything further.Chatter: I agree the point was actually quite simple...am I a friend enough for you to tell your real identity... and your answer is no has been no and that is that whatever points you raised are fair...but are not the real pointThat one thing would have solved a whole lot more No secrecy No assumptionsme: The point is a friend is expected to respect your privacy, whatever level you want to hold. In case it is difficult for you to respect who I am, I do not think there lies a point at all.Chatter: I do...and till I didn't have a need of knowing that the two people were same or different I didn't push that point But now I need tome: You can not force me to tell or do something. Can you? And if you intend dong that, please answer, is that respectful?Chatter: No but I can request and depending on what you choose to do, I have to make tough choices, you think i like losing friends? you are somebody i can talk to and connect to...I must be really pushed to my limits to have to do something like this...wouldn't I?Now u tell meWhat should I do?Being a friend is also about taking responsibility for your friend's smile... Is your privacy so earth shatteringly more important than my smile?Hey gtg Please think about what I said I beg of u I don't want to loose you I've lost enough already.

It is not for the first time someone on my Sealed Lip I.D. has forced me to reveal my identity. It is not for the first time I have had 'friends' saying Bye because I am not 'real' enough.

Here, is a different world, probably living a different life too. A different set of 'real' friends. A completely different set of emotions. A completely different profile. Just because it is all so different from my physical reality, it does not become unreal. Why is it always so hard for people to accept people as they are? How do we manage to find some 'worthy secret' or curiosity to ruin relationships? What is the level of privacy that all relationships should have, after all? Is the strength of a relationship directly proportionate to the amount of 'secrecy' unlocked?

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.Kisses.

P.S. - To all my dear Bloggers, I have not been regular because of Mood Swings and Business. Will be visiting your Blogs soon. Often I visit your Blogs, read but do not find the time to comment properly. Please bare with me. :) Thank you all. Kisses.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

"What movie do you want to watch?""Some scary movie.""K! I thought we grew up. Lights off. Alone at home. Scary movie. Is it still exciting?""Hell yes!"Stare at her for 5 seconds and then spring up."Hell yeah, baby!"Going through the three shelf DVD piles."Damn L! Your collection has not changed. We have been going through these movies forever. Khartoum. Lawrence of Arabia. Cleopatra. Argh. Scary!!""I want watch something like Chucky or Elm Street.""Well, you do not have it.""Fuck! I do not have scary movies, at all, ya.""Lets watch Scream.""Its not scary and you must have seen it.""No.""Everyone has seen Scream, K!""I know I am special. The usual never applies to me."Her petite body lost in my T shirt does the 'usual' super star pose.

"Shit! It has Drew Barrymore.""Yeah.""Stupid woman! Not there! Shit... No... no...""K! If they do as we ask them too. There would be no scary movies."And we spend the next 1.5 hours warning every single person running frantically trying to escape the killer. Guessing. Laughing. Fighting over the temperature of the A.C. Having Pop Corn and gulping the Coffee, which was worst than we thought it would be.

"He was the killer.""I thought so too.""L! You have seen the movie.""Yeah! But you know I have terrible movie. I read the same book so many times not realizing I have read it earlier.""Thank God for my good memory.""Yeah right! It took you a decade to remember my right birthday.""Oh! L...""Wow! Now what?""Behenchod The power had to go dating right now.""Want some Chai?""Oh yes! That sounds great."

Sitting on the green granite with her legs folded, "L! You must have learnt how to cook now, na?""I knew how to make tea earlier as well, K.""Yeah... Like you could make Tea, Maggie and that also you would not if I or Su were there.""And jugs and jugs of Tang.""Oh shit! Yeah!""You know, now those big tins of Tang are kept unused for months. It was so different some years back."Picking our cups, we walk back towards the room."And only the two of us have remained with each other.""Yeah.""You know na, how I am, L? I would get lost and never stay in touch.""Yes, but we have stuck around and will always do so.""Cheers!""Cheers!"Comfortable silences filling the room as we sip Tulsi tea.

"Okay! Never have I ever.... Kissed a girl.""Never!""You are a Loser, L!""Yeah right, Lucky Bitch!""Your turn.""Never have I ever worn bright colorful panties under light colored clothes to show them off."She sipped her tea."We do not answer. We just sip our tea if we have.""Damn! That way my tea will never get over.""Ok. Never have I ever.... Wanted to have sex in public.""Wanted? Yes."She sipped."What the Fuck? Where?""Outside my ex's school after we went visiting it... And I have made out with this guy in my brother's girlfriend's balcony. And made out here.... there..."The list was pretty long."Oh! Made out! Yeah, G and I made outside your ex's house. In his lift.""Whoa! WTF!""Well, you guys were taking too long to come back home.""L!""Yeah K!"We laugh for the next five minutes rolling on the floor."OK. OK. Never have I ever...""Its my turn, K."She offered me a cigarette."You know. I left, K.""When did you start regularly?""Did. For some time. Now off it, completely.""One for friendship? We have not fagged together in ages."And she starts lighting for me after I shrugged in agreement."No! This time I will light for the two of us. You have always done it in the past.""Okay."As the first puff covers our face with smoke, I continue the game, "Never have I ever wanted to do another man in the presence of my boyfriend."She sipped again."I told you my tea will never get over!""Never have I ever.... ever... uuummm.... ever.... done a stranger."She sipped AGAIN!"WTF!""I was stoned so we made out. And once I slept with this girl's boyfriend, who were from my college. She hates me!""D'uh K!""Fuck! I am sure something like this will happen to me as well. What goes around comes around!""Why? Why will this come back to you?""I have hurt her.""Yeah right! Like her boyfriend hurting her was not enough.""LOL.""OKAY! Never have I ever...looked in a man's eyes while fantasizing about him."And this time we both sipped. Fuck! The tea was cold now!"Never have I ever tried anal."We sipped."Have not we all?", I asked."What is with men and anal sex?""Yeah! Like the vagina is not enough.""Did you like it?""To be very honest. I did not know where it was!""You too? Hah!"Hi Five! And the thunderous clap brought back the Power.

"Now, I am going to my Gym.""Are you crazy? You will sleep on the Treadmill.""I have not gone in like a week.""No. Do not. Your body has not gotten rest.""But I am fresh."K walked towards the mirror."Come lets do some make up.""Why are you like my sister?""Oh my God! Your sister also likes to do all of this?""Yeah! She too makes plans like you do about mid night make up sessions.""Oh yeah L, remember, we decided we will do nice make up this time. Not like our first night stay when I did nice pink make up for you and you went and applied something green on your eyes.""I was wearing green!", I cry defensively."If you are wearing orange baby, you do not apply orange all over your face and become all Orange.""Oh! Lets go for a walk.""Not when I only have my Peep Toes.""Okay. Anyway, its been long since I slept in the morning."And I crawl inside the bed sheet."No L! Make up!""At 7 in the morning? Are you okay?""Come on L! You know I have never let you sleep when we are together.""Oh yes! Ain't no sunshine when he's gone...""Fuck! I kept you awake just because I wanted you to hear me sing this continuously for my crush then.""And then you slept singing while I was still up!""Oh L!"And she jumped onto the bed."We are travelling together this weekend. Its going to be fun.""We have travelled earlier as well.""Yeah! We will go shopping in the evening.""Superb.""Gosh! I want to have sex with G.""You are so Monika, L.""No! I am not even close to being a cleanliness freak.""You are the one with a stable relationship. And I keep flipping like, Jennifer Aniston.""No. I am Joey.""I am always flipping.""I want G.""Fuck!"

I guess we had started Sleep Talking. We slept in no time.

Hugs.Kisses.

Love 'n' Peace.

P.S. - It is only when I am terrible or ecstatic that I vanish. This time it was both. Please forgive me for not visiting your Blogs, will do so slowly and catch up. :)

Also, while I was absconding, my generous beautiful Blogger friend, The Pink Orchid, who on completing 100 posts did a complete Award Ceremony to honor her readers, bestowed upon me The Blogger Dudette Award and the This Blog is Hot Certification. Thanks allot Pink.

A Big Thank you to my dear Don't Be a Slut Blogger Friend, who handed over The Kreativ Blogger Award. It feels great when Awards come your way from your favorite Bloggers. Thank you Girls! You two made my day! Big Hug and Kisses.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"I wonder how would a Hindi man ask you 'What are you wearing?'""What do you mean by a Hindi man?""A man who speaks Hindi.""Simple G! 'Tum kya pehney ho?'""That sounds hot. Now answer it.""Nothing.""How come?""Just got out of a shower.""What is you weight?""Hello?""What is your weight, now?""Hello? I can not hear you G!""Alright. If you can not hear me then we will talk later.""No. No. I can hear you, now.""What is your weight?""I can not hear you again.""You will lose your weight by my next birthday?""I guess.""This birthday I gave you a good 11 months to lose but you did not.""9!""10!""No 9!""10 1/2""No! 9!""L, it is 10 1/2, if not 11.""Alright. Fine. I will lose.""I can not trust you, ya.""O.K.""Please be trustworthy, no!

You there?""Yes.""Why are you sounding down and out while I am being such a choot?""No. I am fine.""Come here. Sit on my lap.""No. You will die.""Yes. But let us take a chance.""No. No.""Alright. I'll get on top of you?""Yeah. I won't die. You do not weigh too much.""Why are you getting all serious?""I am absolutely fine, G. I am not serious.""Sorry.Sorry.Sorry.Sorry.Sorry.Sorry.Saaree.Sorry.SaareeSorry.Saaree................................................................Sorry.""You do not have to apologize, G. I am good.""Now say Saaree Sorry, 20 times.""Why?""Just say it. It is allot of fun.""No. It is not.""Come on. I listen to allot of your silly stories. Now it is my turn.""O.K.Saaree.Sorry.Saaree.Sorry.Saaree.Sorry.Sorry.""Caught you. You said 'Sorry Sorry'.""No. I did not.""Yes you did. I won. Now give me 100 bucks.""Yeah right.""Now see, if I say this four times straight without a mistake, you will have to give me 400 bucks.""Hmmm.""Saaree.Sorry.Saaree.Sorry.Saaree.Sorry.Saaree.Sorry.Now give me 400 bucks.""Yeah right!"

We may have continued to do our silly stuff but that one word lingered. I was down and out. I was hurt. Not because of what he said but because he too said it.

I have all my life had a problem trusting people. Why? I just find it difficult. Today, I realized it was because I was not too sure of my own self. I am afraid of forming too many relationships. I feel they have the ability to hurt and ruin you. I feel 'What if I betray or are betrayed unconsciously?' I have always taken my own sweet time in forming the whatever few relationships I have. By that, I mean, the ones I believe in. The ones I know I will carry with me for life, happily, willingly and desperately. By that, I mean Mom, Dad, Sister, K, Aj and G. OF which three have directly shown difficulty in trusting me and three, indirectly.

Trust, for me, like most or rather all, has been a huge issue. By God's grace, I am blessed with people in my life who have treasured my trust in them. Unfortunately, I have not. In small ways or big. Consciously or Unconsciously. One time or more. Their trust in me has come into question. My father has hardly spent any time with me yet is sure he can not trust me, for reasons I am yet to figure out. My sister would love to trust me blindly but also knows I am highly unpredictable. My mother, I feel, sometimes fights with herself to trust me. Probably the only reason why I have survived so far is because of her belief in me, whether it is a self fought and won battle for her or a natural mother-child relation. She has been my pillar yet I can not forgive myself for breaking her trust when I have lied to her for all things, small or big. I have broken K's trust in me, unknowingly but she forgave. Aj's trust, knowingly, assuming it won't make a difference to him. And he pretended as if it did not.

Today G just brought back all that I had ignored all my life. He simply assured me of a flaw I had been hiding under layers of Self assumptions and Ignorance. I have had this issue trouble me but I have pushed it in my closet like a piece of unwanted cloth. G may have joked about being non trustworthy, but it was true. No matter how small or big the matter in question maybe, trustworthiness is highly sensitive. It is neither easy to earn nor maintain.

My heart aches. It is not easy to gulp a piece of truth that has scared you all your life. I feared having trusting issues, not realizing I was trapped in many of those, already. It is like a thick leather whip hitting your naked ass in a crowded arena. That is how bad it hurts. That is how hard the truth is.

Lets face it, 'I HAVE BEEN UNTRUSTWORTHY'! I have been told that too many times, directly and indirectly. Its time, I accept it. It may take all my strength to take it in, but it better be done now. The amendments should be made now. (But I thank God, for giving me such trustworthy people in my life, despite my own known or unknown distrusting times.)

(I am sorry. For the first time, I am wallowing in self pity and do not feel worthy of spreading Love, Peace, Hugs or Kisses.)

Friday, April 24, 2009

I am up earlier than usual. Free time is always used for Blogging and I start up my system only to feel moist between my legs. His face on my desktop turned me on instantly with past flashes of our sweating sex. If only we were together I would have been on top of him riding for the perfect start of the day. But then, 'If' is merely a convenient word to make you feel the way you want to.

I move on to do what I had in mind. Read Blogs and maybe hunt some new ones too. The easiest way to do so is from the Comments Box. So, after I am done commenting on one of my Followed Blogs I notice a rather interesting comment. I hate advertisers invading Comment pages. So, now you know why the Comment moderation on my Blog. Mr. Commentator was a Writer of some 'Guide for the Good girls' kind of a 'Self Help' Book. Out of curiosity and expectation I visit his page imagining a page loaded with advertisements on both sides of his Blog posts. Blog posts which would be about Women, Men, his Books, Readers. Heated comments. Sweet comments. Thankful comments. Sorry comments. Only to discover a simple, no advertisement, no Blog page. All his page advertised was his own book and offered a CRASH COURSE for Dirty Divas. LMAO. I am extremely sorry but sounds like some extremely cheap low budget Porn Flick. And if it is an Indian one, then it would be 'Daartee Deevaah!' or maybe 'Devi gone Dirty'. Alright. Sleeplessness taking its toll. The page advertised how a woman does not know how to talk dirty. Get your free guide NOW! All that was needed to get the guide to 101 ways of becoming a bad girl from good, was your e-mail. Subscribe and bombard your Inbox with mails helping you become the new seductress and give your man that instant hard on.

I almost fell for it. Thankfully, I snapped back to senses within seconds. Why the fuck should I learn from you Mr. Unsatisfied how to talk to my man? Why should any woman pick up your book? Probably your woman was 'good' and did not know how to verbally stimulate you does not mean other women do not know it either.

I have forever been against Self Help books. Success. Money. Love. Sex. Relationships. Friendship. How to Train your Servant. 1000 Ways to steal your Friend's Husband away. Your guide to get rid off those Stalkers. There seems to be a Best seller User Manual available for everything. Do we need to be taught emotions now? Such books claim to teach and help you do something you already know. They just make you believe you do not know and that you are one incapable lazy ass! I have never understood HOW can you teach something like Dirty Talking to anyone? If you really want to get dirty verbally, our sexually active hormones help us. Always. They make you say the 'right' things, naturally. You will not have to flip the pages of a book to check what should you say next.

Sometimes, great dirty talking is an art. You have it or you do not. It can not be taught. And most importantly, the want to talk dirty has to come naturally, you can not just open the book and flaunt your newly learnt talent. It takes away all the fun from it. You have to be in a naughty mood. Not necessarily, sexual.

Apart from all the sex talk, dirty talking is also poop talk. His guide for the 'good' girls should probably teach women to talk comfortably about poop too. What is so 'Eeeoow' about Shit? Why can a woman not sit and enjoy a stupid detailed conversation about some body's 'lose' health? But walk out calling it gross. Probably he would not talk about Poop Talk in his book because he thinks women generally do not like talking about it. Or maybe they do not want to learn something they already know but chose not to indulge in. Just like sex talk.

I remember how S let out her bedroom secret and suggested P to talk dirty in bed. P was a clueless virgin who looked blank, "How do you do that?" We did not have an answer to her question. Simply because you will talk that way a) If you want to.b) If you are in the 'mood'. (Naughty. Sexual. Tease. They all qualify for 'in the mood'.)

No one can teach you to be sexy. YOU ARE SEXY. When you are with the man or woman you want to use all your moves on. You do. A fucking Book can not tell you when should you get on top of a man, bite his ear and say 'Make me crazy. Make me moan.' All, that book does is stare at you in the face and remind you of what an Incapable Lazy Ass you are. Self Help books mock you. Your potential. Your abilities. It goes not just for sex, but success too. Move that ass and you will have whatever you want. Wasting time to read HOW to be successful will only make you lose time.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

"Hello.""Yeah.""Sorry!""For what?""For not talking to you today.For not talking to you yesterday.For not talking to you the day before yesterday.For not talking to you for the past 10 days.For not talking to you for the past so many years."I had to smile. It was cute. Talk about women getting easily flattered!The cold voice continued, "It is okay.""No! Say more. I want you to take out all your anger. Scream. Shout. Punch. Slap me.""No. It is OK." without a change in the tone."What are you doing?""Nothing?""Are you going to sleep?""Yes. Maybe. Do not know.""I am going out for dinner with my friend. I will call you back?""No. Let it be. We will talk tomorrow.""Going to sleep? If not, then I will call you back.""No.""Fine. Then I will call you back. Bye Babe."I hang up.If he calls women 'manipulative', well, I can not defend myself, at least.

40 minutes later. Coldness does wonders. Gives you all the attention you have not got in a long time. ;)"HI BABE!""Hi.""Still mad?""Yes.""Then take it out, no!""No.""Why?""Because I do not want to.""Okay. Tell me, What is the worst question that I can ask you at this moment?""I do not know.""Come on! Tell me.""Asking me to forget it and let go off it?""Not a statement. A Question.""Is my work done?""No. Something I ask more often. A question that is my favorite.""What are you wearing?"Strange, how he is deciding which of his questions is going to make me more mad at him. Huh. Of course him ignoring my anger and asking about my 'job' would make me angrier than him wanting to know what I am wearing! That actually makes me go pink from red than redder. (I guess he knew that! Huh. And he says 'Women are manipulative!')"Yes! So, now that you have asked that yourself, answer it too.""I have put the question. You answer it.""What are you wearing?""I am not answering it. I am still angry.""Right now, you almost forgot that you are angry.""No. I did not! In fact, I do not even think we would be having this conversation if I did not let you know I am angry through my articulation. You would have instead, very conveniently called and said, 'L, I am so tired today. We will talk tomorrow.'""You know what? I actually came out to give company to my friends for dinner where I did not even eat because I had already had my dinner, just so that I could stay out and talk to you peacefully..... L, Lets talk tomorrow."Okay! I, once again have said more than I should have.After a good two minute silence."Sorry.""Say it again.""Sorry.""Say it 15 more times. I apologized 17 times to you.""Get Lost! I am not saying it one more time. My mistake is not bigger than yours.""You have hurt me, Bitch. Apologize!""NOWAY!""Alright. 10 more times. I am giving you a discount.""I have said 'Sorry' twice. Want it? Take it else lose those two also.""Alright. Five more and answer 'What are you wearing?'""Too much. Not answering.""Final on 3 and answer.""Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!""What are you wearing?""Do you really expect me to be all dressed up at 1:00 a.m.? I am in my Night clothes.""Nice. You should have been here.""For what? To have you watch your sports every weekend and spend no time with me?""Come on L! If you are with any other normal guy, you will face the same problem. So no point dumping me for this reason. Also, with no other guy can you have a conversation like you do with me.""Huh.""You know this American student got raped?""Yes by her own friends."Changing the topic when your girlfriend is not saying more than a word is the best move."Men are such bastards. Isn't it?""It is not just that. But sadly, it is the Indian male mentality which thinks it is easier to get a lay from a Foreigner. And when you do not get it, in a drunken state, you rape her. It is not the first case.""All the bad that happens in this world is because of men."Even better if you blame yourself or the entire male species for something. Invisible Brownie points! "Exactly. You are so right, G.""Men should be eradicated!""Completely! A Woman gets upset because of a Man. A Woman abuses another Woman out of jealousy and insecurity because of a Man. A Woman abuses the Man because of how he is. A Woman feels sad and disrespected because of a Man. Men are such a curse.""There should be a button and all men should vanish.""Totally. The world will become so clean, tidy, civilized and full of love.""Men are clean.""Please! They keep their plates where they eat. They also do not make the efforts of throwing the left over apple after eating it. They...""Okay!""I am just waiting for the day when we will not need men to produce babies.""That is the only positive thing that men do. Produce babies.""And there too they are so careless that God can not trust them with the responsibility of bearing a child.""There should be a button in women, which when pressed would produce babies."The conversation slowly sinking in! FUCK! A World full of only women?"G, it will be a world full of dildos!""Well, you can keep some of them? Like your Boyfriends and Fathers?""Fathers, of course. It is so nice to have a father.... No Wait! Keeping your father would mean getting into the same cycle. You will have to get a father for your babies too. Damn. No. No men at all." After the conversation entirely sank it. I took the right side. The No Men Land side."Gone. All men are already gone, L. I think I am the only one left because I am still having this conversation with you.""Remember, when you go you will have no sports.""Why not? I will be like a Spirit who can get and do whatever he wants to."He was now seeing the positive side of it. Sports comes before sex!"No G. You all will be completely non existent. Like, not there. Not even as spirits.""Of course we will be.""G, even if you are, there will be no Sports.""Why?""Because there will be no men."Phew. This conversation felt good. I won.

"You know I Love you, right?""I Love you too.""You are the best man in this world. And I am not leaving you.""Yeah. Who else will tell you to eradicate men?""How is the night there?""Breezy. Nice. Calm.""Hhhmmmm."It was the perfect night for me. I just wanted to sleep in his arms having this conversation."Asleep?""No.""I have to wake up early tomorrow.""You must go to sleep.""No. It is okay."It was peaceful. It was our comfortable silence, in which I wanted to sleep."What is it tomorrow?""A Family thing and then the rest of the day will be occupied with allot of office work too.""You can catch up on your sleep in the afternoon as well, right?""No. The schedule is slightly tight.""Oh! Go. Go. Go to sleep.""Okay. Bye Babe.""Oh! You know what?"Yes, women seem to find the most interesting and exciting things to share at the end of a conversation. Now, you know how two women can talk at length despite 1000 Byes."What?""I saw this dream where I am sleeping. The room filled with the sound of Elton John and you reading a book to me over my head.""Was it a Porn Book?""No! It was a Fairy Tale, I guess.""If I am reading a book to you. It would be a Porn Book and my hand would be under your skirt. I would feel your breasts while reading. And put you to sleep after we are tired doing each other.""No!", by now I was smiling in my half sleep. No! His descriptions were not boring. I was damn sleepy. It was almost 3 a.m., now."That is what we would do, L.""No! My dream had a Cinderella, I think.""Okay. Let us go to sleep now."Men know when to end a conversation. Prolonging this would mean another one hour of Fairytale v/s Porn with no conclusions and no phone sex too."Okay. Good Night.""Good Night Babe.""I Love you.""I Love you too.""Big hug!""Big kiss.""Bye."

Saturday, April 11, 2009

"What will you have?""A Sex on the Beach.""There is too much sex on your mind, L.""Hah."

Just about a week back."Come on L, tell me what is happening?""Nothing whatsoever, Aj. You really can not expect me to make up new things every minute in this long a conversation, right?""I am sure you have got something to say. It has been ages since you really told me something interesting.""Aj! Our school days are long gone when I brought all the School gossip to you.""Well, now my little friend has a boyfriend so tell me about him if not those stupid couples in school we gossiped about.""Fuck you! You are comparing my relationship to that of those rat like school couples.""LOL. No. But... Ah! Just tell me something. I really feel like having a nice long conversation. We have not had one in a long time. Specially since my break up. ;)""Hah. You were in that school relationship for so long. What the Fuck were you thinking? I almost thought you'd be role models for kids in school. They would look at the two of you and say, 'See, they were School sweethearts and now they are (un)happily married.' Fuck! You actually tolerated that woman for so many years. And of course, I have to congratulate her on the same too. I am so glad the two of you broke up.""Ah! Forget it."We smile. We talk random. Do the usual "We must have something to talk about. Tell-me-you-tell-me.""Okay listen Aj.""What?""I have to really really tell you something.""Now we are talking.""Who is it about?""I have been wanting to tell you this since a long time, but just did not know how to break it to you.""Oh! I don't believe you! Just tell me.""I am not a virgin.""Cool. That is nice."Silence."WHAT!? You... you do not have anything else to say? You do not want to call me a Slut? A Whore? or react in any other manner than just a 'Nice'?"Come on L, Our ciggie days are long gone."

I still remember this clearly. I took the first drag of a Marlboro Light for the first time in my life in school, at a party. While discussing the party on our usual midnight phone conversation, I had told him about my little adventure like a scared guilty kid. What followed was a series of 'I did not expect you to do this! I thought you were a decent girl. I thought you were not one of those chicks, who find it so cool to smoke. I thought this and that and this and that. (IT WAS JUST A DRAG) I spent a night crying, apologizing. Feeling guilty for what I originally was not until I got to hear ALL that from him. It was our first fight. It was cute and silly, just as it should have been. He spent the rest of the night consoling, acting cute, cracking some really bad jokes and making promises to make me feel good with chocolates (which of course I never got).

From that silly fight to getting drunk together, yes, we have come a really long way together. From a Chauvinist to a Gentleman, I have seen him grow only for good. From fat to fatter, he has only see me grow, wider. ;)

It was the perfect Saturday afternoon with him. Every day spent with him is a perfect one. Be it an argument over governments that may culminate in a life threatening pillow fight or a lazy afternoon lying on each other taking alternate sips of Rum discussing the cons of being in a relationship. It has always been perfect. And like the 'ciggie' day, all my days with him are as fresh in the mind as the Lunch today.

While dropping me back home."By the way, who was on top of whom?""I am not giving you bedroom details, Aj.""If you were on top of him, then I doubt his existence on this planet.""Fuck you! You are the world's biggest asshole.""I am just being honest.""I am damn good in bed. So of course there are high possibilities of him getting breathless.""Is he alive? is what I am asking. You just maybe assuming his near death experience to you being good in bed.""He is very much alive.""Thank god.""You know what? I really hate you. You are the meanest friend.""Because you deserve a Merc and I do not?""Yes. So when you buy one, rich boy! Gift it to me.""Yes, I will."

No matter how old we grow, I think we can never stop fighting like the silly school goers. That is how we have always been. And that is how it will always be.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I can not write when I have nothing to write or a neat thought to express. But, I want to write, what? I am sure I do not know. Deleting three old and two new drafts is proof enough.

Though, I still have a little Thought of the day to share, "A day spent with a good Book is always secretly preferred over watching Casablance with your Lover on a couch, wearing Pajamas."

It came after I carelessly spent an entire night finishing One and a Half Books, along with the pleasures of a rejuvenating head massage. For once, I neither cared nor wanted G to call. It is so much better to be with yourself, specially if you have not had that time in ages. :)

3) I am definitely not as you have imagined me to be like, whatever that maybe.

4) No matter how difficult I may find to talk about myself particularly or objectively, I am pretty much Self Obsessed.

5) I may not believe in the existence of God yet I call him my Friend.

Just 5 points down and I am convinced, Honesty is a virtue and an art. Not everyone knows HOW to be Honest. I for one, do not.

Coming to the Award Ceremony, "And the Award goes to Dipti and Don't Be a Slut, my two most favorite Blogs. I admire and am hooked to your Blogs because of the fearless honesty in them. Continue writing the way you do. May God Bless you with more Virtues and not limit your goodness to Honesty, alone. ;) Love you girls. Kisses."

Friday, March 27, 2009

There's a song that's inside of my soul.It's the one that I've tried to write over and over againI'm awake in the infinite cold.But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.And I lift my hands and prayTo be only yours, I pray, to be only yoursI know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.When it feels like my dreams are so farSing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.And I lift my hands and prayTo be only yours, I pray, to be only yoursI know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.I'm giving you all of me.I want your symphony, singing in all that I amAt the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.And I lift my hands and prayTo be only yours, I pray, to be only yoursI pray, to be only yoursI know now you're my only hope.

hmmmmm, hmmmmm, oooooh.

(Only Hope by Mandy Moore from A Walk to Remember)

When do you start 'demanding' in a relationship? When do you start 'expecting'? I am sure most of us have no answer to that. Just as a relationship is formed by an unknown vibe and force, such things slowly start becoming a part of that relationship. That is why we are humans. Illogical nerds looking for a reason. If we fall in love, it should also be able to answer 'What made me fall in love?' 'When did you fall in love?' 'Why me?' Yes, these are questions asked by women but not like men do not think about it. We know it.

Consider this,

"They are worried that their daughter is turning 27 and they have not found him a suitable match yet.""Mom, she is just 27. She has a long life ahead.""You will understand this only when you become a parent.""Well if you bind your child to options that are limited only up to a particular community in the society. Should not you all be prepared for some delay in that case?""One must marry in their community only.""BUT WHY?""Because they SHOULD.""But the question is WHY.""Because that is the first preference.""Why is it the first preference?""Because everyone wants their children to marry in the same sect or religion.""Mom! We are beating around the same bush. Just tell me WHY?""Because inter religion marriages do not work out.""They have not failed because of their religions. Have they?""But they have because of their different backgrounds and upbringing.""What if you find a similar family outside your religion? And what is the guarantee that the same sect family will have a similar family atmosphere?""Look, if you want to marry someone outside the religion, GO AHEAD."Sounds good but that was not the point."Let us not take this personally. I really want to know. It is a general perspective world wide. But why is it so? Give me a REASON!", I demanded."There is. That is it!""You know there is one horrible ideology? We are proud when someone of a different religion changes his religious faith to ours. But another man of our religion turning to another religion will upset us. Why?""Because our religion is logical and intelligent.""Fine agreed. There is good and wrong in different religions, but we are not happy because we think that the person made an intelligent move by converting his faith into ours. We are just happy because we have an additional family member or man in the army. However we may like to look at it.""It is a stupid thing to leave your religion.""Does not the same apply to the person who willfully converted to your religion?""Easy way out. No one should convert.""Why not? If they have a mind of their own and want to then why not?""Well, every religion teaches you the same thing anyway.""Then where is the difference?"Thoughtful silence."You know what used to happen in old times? People encouraged marrying in the same community only to make their community strong. That makes sense. So, if you give me a sensible logic for not marrying outside my community, I shall think over it. But unfortunately, most of your generation is brought up like a fanatic. This exists because it does. Not because there is a reason behind it. You have been told something over and over again that you believe it, like a fanatic father teaching his children something without answering his curiosities. That child strongly believes in what his father is saying but knows not why he believes in it."

We have no answers because we have neither questioned nor been answered. The above conversation turned into an argument that emotionally disturbed my mother. She thought I was trying to convince her because G does not belong to the same religion as I do. I was not. I was just the curios kid who was not being answered. Only that I realized I was asking the wrong person. An already unanswered curios kid.

Expectations and Demanding are two things I like to stay away from, but unconsciously fall prey to. Why? Is it interconnected with love? No. Is it because we have been brought up to be that way? Maybe. But most importantly, WHEN are we expecting and not hoping? WHEN are we demanding and not wishing? It may sound so simple and predictable if I answer 'When we put pressure on the other person about our wishes and hopes.' But do we do this knowingly? Sometimes, yes! But most? We are clueless.

I demanded an explanation from my mother expecting an answer. It did not work. I unconsciously demanded G to listen to this entire conversation in the middle of his 'me time' and expected him to hear between the lines and understand. So what if my mother had no answers? So what if G thought his match was more important and the conversation boring? Why should it make me think? Why should it make me feel something is missing in the relationship if we fail to understand sometimes? Why should I victimize my father for not always understanding? Why should I be disappointed if my mother can not fulfill my demands? Why should I feel 'dumped' if G is not interested in something I am saying? When I am there for myself.

Yes! We need people. But do we need them all the time? Why do we demand that kind of attention? Why do we expect that kind of understanding? When I can sit and think about myself. I can talk to myself and understand what I want. If there are questions inside you. There are answers around you. If you can love someone else. You can love yourself. By the end of the day, it is I FOR I.

My mother can not demand a marriage with anyone from me and I can not expect her to understand what I want always, because we first need to understand ourselves. Resolve issues with ourselves. Find answers within. Love ourselves first.

I talk to God. I talk to myself. I sing for myself. I dance to my song. I do so because I am my only hope. I am my best friend. I am my partner in crime. I am my skeleton in the closet. I am my wish. I am my hope. I am my questions. I am my answer. I am the love. I am my strength. I am there ALWAYS, 24*7, literally, for myself.

So I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours I pray, to be only yours I know now you're my only hope.

I pray to be true to myself. I am my only hope. I do not want to succumb to someone else's demands and lose myself in expectations. I want to be mine. To be only mine, I pray.

Love 'n' Peace.

Hugs.Kisses.

P.S. - I am thankful to God for giving me such people who despite my aggression and silent pressures do not find me 'demanding'. I thank you because I believed in you and you believed in me, and we continue to share that relationship. I have tried not being demanding or expectant with you. Hope I have been with you how I wish to treat myself. I Love you. Thank you for living up to the 'expectations', God (Alright, so I did.). There is no one I can love more than you. Kisses. :)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

"My guy went bald."Laughing my ass off on her pitiable situation, "WTF! Why?""Because he wanted to.""And he is not even the kinds who would look hot with no hair. Fuck!"Came a sad "Yes" to that.Filling the silence with a loud laugh, I can sense her anger."I am ditching him very soon."I stop, instantly."Fuck! Why?""Because I have many reasons to... I can not have a decent conversation with him. He is not even great in bed. Well, he is not bad, but he isn't great either. My ex was.""Are you serious?""Very. My best friend-cum-back-up boyfriend is coming next month. I will have fun with him.""Yeah. Lets plan a trip." "He is coming in the last week."Adding to the bitchiness, "Your birthday is around the same time. Break up with your guy after that and we shall leave immediately for the trip. At least when he tries tirelessly to get you back, you will be far far away.""That makes sense. He is such a baby. Wants to be pampered all the time and OH MY GOD! He is going to cry SO MUCH!""Exactly.""And of course, he will call all his friends and bitch about me.""Is that not obvious, considering it is HIM."We laugh."Why were you dating him in the first place?""Have you heard this from anyone else L that when you break up you immediately want to get into another relationship to feel good. That is exactly what I did. Without even thinking twice, I just went ahead with it.""I know I know."We both contemplate in silence for a moment."L?""Hmm?""When will I find MY guy? Someone who is perfect.""Soon baby.""What soon. I am kissing every frog that is coming my way yet nowhere close.""We all learn from our mistakes.""My ex was better than him, L. I seem to be making more mistakes than before.""Hhhmmm. Now, be careful. You should only get better with men, not lower your standards.""Exactly.""So keep kissing, one of them will turn into YOUR Prince.""That makes me feel good."We smile.And she jumps, "You know something?""What?""My guy is such an ass. He ate Viagra the last time we went on our short vacation."Now, this one was really crazy."Why?""Because he wanted to TRY.""TRY VIAGRA?"Obviously I felt the reason for him to be 'not great' in bed was apparently THIS. Fuck! He is young. Why on earth should he need a Viagra? LOSER!Feeling terribly bad and good for her(Bad because he needed it and Good because hopefully this might satisfy),I collect myself and say a long, "O. K.""He took it the night we were traveling. And if you do not have sex after taking it, you end up getting high fever."This is just getting better."This one time when you guys could have had 'Great Sex'. He did this. Why did he not take it earlier even if he just wanted to TRY.""I have no idea. And you know it lasts you for half an hour."I just sank in sympathy for her."Its alright baby.""Yeah. He is cute anyway."Sympathetically I agree.I could not stop thanking God for G. I could not stop being proud of him either."So, Hows G?"She caught my thought."He is 'great'.""Good."She comes back to her complaining in no time."You know, we have nothing in common. No proper conversations. Nothing.""What do you talk over the phone when you do?""Well, I do the talking.""What do you talk?""I talk. Here and There.""And that is?"" I say I Love you."LOL."All night long?""Almost.""I am glad G and I can have decent conversations whether we have something common in us or not.""That is really nice.""And important too. I can not tolerate an unintelligent man.""AAAaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh....""I AM BREAKING UP WITH MY GUY! Not even waiting until my birthday.""The Gifts?""Oh yes! I will take the gifts and then ditch him. It is like Love for him is giving allot of expensive gifts to your Girlfriend.""Love for G is...." I shut up because I know he is a sensible guy and one more snooty sentence to show how 'great' my guy would make her scream louder, so I change the topic completely."You know, the month is coming to an end and I have not had my periods yet. I am freaking out.""Why? You guys did not use condoms?""Both. Condoms and Pills. I leave no room for that 1% too.""Then. Stop freaking out. It must have just got delayed.""I know. It has happened earlier too yet...""Its alright."We have interchanged roles of "Its alright" and "Its not". This continues for a good 10 minutes."But I had it around the same time that I was suppose to have my periods. And you know chances of fertility are the highest at that time. And if he is overly potent even one drop could do wonders."Considering he rammed me for half an hour straight and we came thrice. Anything could be possible. His condom was loaded. What if it tore? What if there was a hole? We are such a horny couple that a meeting that was suppose to last just a few hours over coffee and food ended up in wasting an hour looking for a room to fuck and finally taking the risk of time and landing up in his own bed."You took the pill, right?""Yes. I did. Yet. What if?""If you are so perturbed. We will get the pregnancy test tomorrow and check it. Okay?""Yeah. I have the same in mind.""Good. Now lets get back to work."And we hang up.

Now, something that was just a passing thought became a strong fear. Thanks to her guy. If he was not that big a loser and my friend was not so irritated with him. She would not have endlessly listed out his faults and I would have not been coaxed into changing the topic to something that was just a passing thought. (Most women think they are pregnant if they miss their period by more than two days. I was no exception.)

I call G endlessly. He is busy. FUCK! The fear just growing. What if I am? But I have had sex just twice in the past six months. Should not be possible.But I had sex in February, i.e., a month and a half back. Then I had it last week, which was a crucial week. So, I COULD BE Pregnant.Fuck! I also remember seeing a drop cum(his or mine?) near my vagina.FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!OK. Relax.Even if I am. I can get aborted easily. No issues with that at least.But how sad and ironical is this. There, my sister is trying to have a baby for the past 7 years and here I am thinking of getting rid of one.What if someone sees me visiting the Doc. for an abortion?What if I am Virgin Mary and have got pregnant despite the I-Pill and Durex?What if ... What if... What if...?So many situational thoughts were making me mad. Call G again.

"I have not got my periods yet.""You will get them.""What if I am pregnant?""You can not be. We took a two level protection.""Yes. But still.""L, I trust the brands we use.""Yeah. What if?""You are not pregnant L.""No G. Yet... What if I am... We had sex when I must have been ovulating.""Fuck. It was that period when we had sex?""YES!""OK. Don't worry. I can still doubt the condom for a while but not the pill. So relax. Wait for a few days.""I think I will take a Pregnancy Test.""Yes. Do that.""OK. Bye."And I leave immediately to get one.

When I come back. I felt like Juno. I drank liters and liters of all possible liquids to pee. And I peed but the fucking sample dropper's hole was so thin that despite all the peeing I did not have a drop in the dropper. I pee again. Not enough for the dropper to take.

I was getting desperate by the minute to test and unfold the self created mystery. I pray to God hard. Almost promising 'No Sex', then I change my mind and make corrections in my prayers. I give up on trying to pee sitting on the pot for half an hour. Not knowing when I will pee next I call G again, cranky, "I am not able to pee.""You think calling me will help?""No. But still. I want to pee."He laughed.O.K. I agree it was funny. Hearing your girlfriend who desperately wants to pee but is not able to. We have heard of constipation. What was this? OK. Sorry, I had peed but was not able to collect. Yet, what if someone wants to pee and is not able to. What is that called?

I drank and drank. And finally it came when I was least concentrating. Maybe my concentration was disturbing my pee. It was shying away. (What am I talking?) Thankfully I saw a bottle before I enter my washroom and get a bright idea. NO MORE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS PEE! I take the bottle cap and collect it in that. Finally I took the test! After a minute or two, I saw one line coming. I look at it closely. It was getting dark slowly. I start imagining another line appearing too. Guess, it was just the fear. I stare at it till JUST ONE LINE BECAME BRIGHT RED and assured me that it was NEGATIVE. Phew!

I am now waiting for that asshole of a period to come. Second Possibility - DIET! I need to check my diet too. Fuck! Does that mean I am not eating right?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The most important promise in a relationship - 'I shall always be there for you.'

What is this Promise after all? When are the moments when you need to fulfill this promise? And How do you do that?

He was being nice. I knew I was cold."Look L, I can not have a conversation with a person who just does not say anything.""Fine. Then let us just end it.""What is wrong with you? Why are you talking like this?""Talking like what?""L...""Look G, I do not want to talk. We will talk later.""What is it? Tell me. When did our relationship reach at a level when you would talk of breaking up? What have I done? Please tell me."I sob. And sob. And cry endlessly. Having a two hour conversation where I tell him about how I do not get to talk much because either I am interrupted or the conversation ends before I start talking. I say a hell lot of other things. Things I do not remember. Things that made no sense. Things I regret saying. Things that were irrelevant. Things I did not mean. Things which were important. Things which had to be talked about.

I was unhappy. Upset. I was not feeling good for over two weeks because of myself. I think I was guilty about something. I think I was cheating someone I love. I think I was not loving myself at all. I was not being that part of me, which I was most proud of. I was plain unsatisfied and unhappy. It was killing me from inside. I needed a friend desperately. I wanted to hug Aj and K and talk. Just be with K and have fun. Wanted to forget everything with her.

G thought it had something to do with our relationship. He went on and on about how he or the relationship maybe responsible to make me feel like that. I hung up more times than I had decided. This constant rant about him or the relationship made me feel worst. I did not know how to explain I AM UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF REASONS I DO NOT KNOW OF. I JUST NEED YOU TO BE THERE. He insisted he was. He always was. He still is. But I wanted more of him. Something he did not understand. I decided to kill the ego and explain "G. I know you are there but if I am asking you to be there for me means I need more of you. I need an assurance. I need to be reminded. I need to feel that 'Yes! You are there'. I need you to hold me. I need you to tell me 'L, Whatever it is. I am there with you. It will pass. I will be through all of this with you. Holding you tight.' I know all of this. I know this is a phase. I know you are there. But knowing by myself does not seem enough. I really want you to act like being there."And then came his response to a speech, a sobbing explanation that was longer than it appears here, "Okay".

I laughed my ass off. It was so funny. I could not help but laugh. ALL he had to say to all the sobbing begging and emotional outburst was an O.K.. I could not believe my ears. I told him, "You make me feel like a loser bitch begging for something she deserves." I also told him, "I thought you would be a friend but ..." And he said, "I am. When I can sit hear and understand my ex then it is definite that I can understand and I would make the effort to understand you better." I know I said allot of nasty things to him. I regret bringing up 'break up'. I hated myself at that moment. Wanted to slap and punish myself for saying that.

We hung up after that 'O.K.'. Yes, I gave up. Ten million call backs had already made me feel I was important. He wanted to sleep over it. I did not. I had slept over it enough. I guess somewhere I had given up the hope of him understanding my state. Something that hurts, but I understood. I explained myself that I am hurting myself with too many expectations. Sometimes somethings are really beyond a man's understanding. Women are complicated. They are difficult to understand. They are difficult to handle.

We did go to sleep. At least before we slept, he assured me that he loves me. Though I was still craving for a hug from him. If he had said that, it would have ended all matters there and then.

The next day we talk. I was confused. I had not said even a single 'I Love you' last night. I wanted to now. And I sent a simple mail. Switched off the phone. But could not stay that way for too long. He called immediately. We spoke. I was not too good yet he tried. He asked if I wanted to talk about last night. I refused. I decided to give it up and at least try to let go off it. I had issues with myself. Why was I turning this into bigger issues in my relationship? He tried. He tried very hard. I had to smile. I had to apologize for my behavior last night. He apologized too for 'not being there'. We smiled. Laughed. Joked. I begged again, 'At least give me a hug. I have been wanting one for so long.' 'You know L, I am not a hug person.' 'But I am.' 'OK. Take a big hug.' That was enough. It solved the matter between us. I reconciled with myself gradually too.

Lesson learned - Do not expect your man to understand you all the time. Specially if you have not told him what is bothering you because he is too dumb to 'assume' (understand by himself). :P

It was like God conspired to make me think and understand the value of 'being there'. I meet a friend on the same day. She wants her guy 'to be with her' but he probably does not want to. He is too busy. She needs him but does not ask him to be there because she does not want to bother him. She blames herself of being too demanding. It made me think. Was she right? Is blaming yourself of being too demanding when you need the person you love is the right thing to do? Is asking somebody to just assure them of their presence too much to ask?

This one is an online one. Same day. I had one of the weirdest conversations with this one. He was depressed. Wanted to talk. Needed a friend 'to be there' and hear him. I said I was. But he refused on the grounds that I was not a 'real person'. Accused me of being a 'desktop icon'. I was not capable of 'being there' only because he did not know my real name and location. I argued he knew me more than anyone in this world. Anyone who reads my blog knows me more than anyone else in my life. My readers probably know me more than I know them. And knowing a person matters more than knowing the basic information about them. But he chose to remain in his depressed world despite the offer from a 'computer generated chatting software'. I was too 'unreal' to be a friend, for him.

Yes, it had hurt. It had hurt to know I was being considered unreal in a place I am most real. It made me think how 'being there' is a hard job to do. People need people at a time when they are going into a shell of depression and unhappiness. That shell blocks all your thinking power and you refuse whatever help is coming your way. You act difficult in accepting the person who is willing 'to be there for you'. You hurt the same person and lose them forever. You become what you had dreaded - Lonely.

G spent days making me smile, laugh, just 'being there'. He said, "I want to make up for those days when I did not know you wanted more of me."

Thank you God. Thank you for giving me a man for whom everything about me is important. Thank you! Thank you for that every person in my life whom I love and who love me. Thank you for being nice to me. Please forgive me for the times I have tried cheating on you. For the times I have cheated on myself and the people I love. I am sorry to have hurt anyone on this planet. Forgive me for not being nice to others and myself. Help me not to repeat these mistakes. Help me to get back to what I was. I want to be free. I want to be me, again. I Love you God. I Love you G. Thank you for the friends in my life. You send them closer to me when I need them. (Aj and K are coming to town. :D) Thank you for the family that loves and cares for me more than themselves. Thank you for these patient blogger friends. Thank you for the beautiful life you have given me. I do not want to be unhappy and show ingratitude for the gorgeous life you have gifted me. Thank you! I can never Thank you enough, yet Thank you once again. Hugs. (Imagining God hugging you is the most comforting feeling.) :)