Friday Offcuts  1 June 2018

In engineered wood this week we have a number of stories of interest to readers. A new report out has revealed that the built environment is responsible for about 20 per cent of all national greenhouse gas emissions. That’s up to 10 times more than previous estimates. The report’s being used as a prompt for builders and to home owners to think more deeply about the materials they’re specifying and using in construction. The findings are also a real shot in the arm for suppliers of materials with lower embodied carbon, such as engineered wood products. We’ve also included a sneak peek inside the engineered timber office under construction at 25 King Street Brisbane. It’s set to become Australia’s tallest engineered timber building when it’s finished. You can check out both stories below.

Only two weeks now to go before the first in the two-yearly tech update WoodFlow 2018 starts. A wide cross section of forestry managers, harvest contractors, transport planners and operators and those involved in log measurement and logistics have already signed up. It runs first in Melbourne on 20-21 June and the following week, for NZ companies in Rotorua on 26-27 June. The series has already attracted record registrations. As anticipated, spaces in the two transport planning workshops running in both countries have been snapped up. The NZ workshops have been sold out and as of this morning, only one place was still available to delegates for the first of two Melbourne workshops and two spaces in the second workshop. Places are still available though at both venues for the two-day conferences and exhibitions. Late registrations can still be made on www.woodflow.events.

Also, in the tech events space, details on the very popular Forest Industry Safety & Technology 2018 series have also just been released this week. FIEA this year is working with a number of industry groups and will be running interactive safety workshops in both Rotorua and Melbourne in August. In Rotorua, FIEA is partnering with the Forest Industry Safety Council (FISC), for a half-day workshop running the day after the FIEA one-day safety conference.
In Melbourne three industry groups will be running a WHS workshop for
Australian contractors and forest managers the day before the conference. Full details on the event and safety workshops can be found on the website, www.forestsafety.events.

And finally, staying with the technology theme, the race is now on to change just how the shipping industry is being driven at the moment. A commitment was made last month to cut greenhouse gas emissions from shipping by at least 50% by 2050. It’s going to require a revolution in shipping. Right now, they’re largely being fuelled by heavy oils. In future, they’ll not only need to be more energy-efficient, but also make use of cleaner energy, in the form of batteries supplying electricity, solar and wind electricity generation, and perhaps even a return to sail in some cases. Low tech solutions are being trialled and they're already showing promise. Like the America’s cup and current design work that's going on behind closed doors on the new foiling monohull's, entirely new designs are also on the drawing board for the global shipping fleet. It's likely to change the look and future operation of shipping as we know it. Enjoy this week’s read.

Tough target of 1 billion trees

A shortage of labour and land could result in growing pains for the NZ Government's ambitious 1 billion trees programme. Shortly after the Government was formed last year, it set itself the lofty goal of planting 1 billion trees by 2027 as a way to grow the regions, create jobs, offset carbon emissions, enhance biodiversity and reinvigorate New Zealand's forestry industry.

Forestry is the country's fourth biggest earner behind tourism, contributing $5 billion annually to the economy and employing about 20,000 people. It currently covers about 1.7 million hectares of land, and the Ministry for Primary Industries estimates up to 1 million hectares would be required to plant a billion trees, assuming they were all commercial radiata pine. But about 13 per cent of trees planted would be natives, which are planted at a much denser rate.

Since the 1 billion trees programme was announced, nearly 7 million trees have been planted and more than 67 million seedlings have been sold for planting in 2018. Of these seedlings, 6.5 million were government-funded. The recent Budget allocated NZ$258 million to the programme, and Forestry Minister Shane Jones said planting rates would increase from 55 million trees a year to 70 million in 2020, and 90 million in 2021.

"From there we will be aiming for 110 million a year over the next seven years of the programme," Jones said. However, finding people to plant trees let alone maintain and harvest them could prove difficult, he said. "We've got a challenge – we can't find enough workers as it is." Hundreds of workers were needed to ramp up planting, he said.

"We need to do more preparing our young people to take on these roles and develop a career. The industry on a regular basis get on our case about this issue." Prison inmates preparing to transition back into society and into work could be a vital source of labour for the industry, Jones said. Nurseries were already being set up in prisons to introduce inmates to horticultural skills, he said.

The forestry industry would need to improve its safety track record and increase wages in order to get young people "off the couch". But another barrier for the programme was the "historical attitudes of farmers", Jones said. "They fear too much tree planting is going to diminish sheep and beef farming capacity."

The Government would be offering incentives to farmers to try convince them to convert farmland to productive forestry. Last week the Government forestry agency Te Uru Rakau announced it was partnering with Manuka Farming New Zealand to offer 1.8 million free manuka seedlings to landowners across New Zealand. MFNZ would conduct free site assessments to assess land suitability for establishing a manuka plantation.

Jones said some M?ori land owners were also wary of getting involved in forestry after suffering past bad experiences in the industry. Te Uru Rakau would help iwi plant land that was included in their treaty settlements, he said.

Forest Owners Association chief executive David Rhodes said the 1 billion trees programme was "challenging but doable". “A lack of labour would be the main thing holding the programme back, he said. "It's clear that there's a significant issue out there and we are going to struggle to find the numbers. That's going to have to be addressed or we're going to have a problem. Unemployed people would need to be trained and migrant labour would be needed, most likely from the Pacific Islands, who had traditionally filled forestry roles, Rhodes said.

Rising property prices could also make it difficult to find suitable land, and a scattergun approach to planting would be detrimental, he said. "The Crown has an obligation to be careful. "Planting any tree anywhere is not the model we want. We've had planting in the past that was in the wrong place and is creating issues even today."

First look inside Australia’s tallest timber tower

Lendlease has released images of the inside of its engineered timber office building under construction at 25 King Street Brisbane, which is set to become Australia’s tallest engineered timber building when complete.

The 45-metre, nine-story building – constructed with cross-laminated timber (CLT) floors and walls, and glulam structural beams and columns – is also set to have the largest gross floor area for an engineered timber office building in the world – for now. Global competition is fierce as the benefits of the technology become better understood.

Releasing the images (click on link below) on Monday, Lendlease said six of the building’s nine floors had been completed in less than 12 months. In total, the building is using 4824 cubic metres of CLT and 1415 cubic metres of glulam. The building is targeting 6 Star Green Star Design and As Built and WELL Core and Shell ratings and is due for completion in late 2018.

Major Forest Safety events running in August

Forest Industry Engineering Association Conferences will highlight forest safety progress. The forest industry is rapidly changing from a safety perspective. The big changes are coming from within. It’s the leading people whose attitudes have shifted logging crew cultures. The two key drivers of this quiet safety and productivity revolution are personal safety culture attitudes and technology.

On one hand there have been tireless efforts from the major forest management companies and their leading logging contractors to find the best people who have a reputation for bringing positive and lasting change.

On the other hand, recent advances in technology have helped get the hand’s off chainsaws and men off the hills for harvesting. Remote control technologies and tele-operation of logging machines is advancing faster than ever.

In August FIEA’s Forest Safety Conference series will run as a combined conference and partnered workshops in both Rotorua and Melbourne. We are grateful to our industry leaders who responded quickly to our calls for speakers. So, we now have two comprehensive one-day conference programmes that are tailored to each industry, says conference director, John Stulen.

In Rotorua FIEA has partnered with FISC for a half-day workshop running after the FIEA one-day safety conference. This FIEA conference has an icebreaker session on 7 August at Rotorua’s Distinction Hotel.

In Melbourne FIEA is working with 3 groups. The WHS workshop for Australian contractors & forest managers will run as a half-day workshop, on 14 August, the day before the FIEA one-day safety conference running on 15 August at Bayview Eden. See www.forestsafety.events for further information and conference and workshop details.

Forestry training success celebrated in the South

Last Friday saw an outstanding turnout by local forestry companies, contractors and transport operators from throughout the lower South Island of New Zealand. The function was the 2018 Southern Wood Council Forestry Awards.

You can check out the evening through a collection of photos taken on the night here.

The Council, representing all major forest owners and most of the major wood processing companies in Otago and Southland ran the 2018 Awards programme in conjunction with the country’s industry training organisation, Competenz.

In addition to profiling the contribution that forestry and those working within the industry are making to the economic and social well-being of the region, the night was really designed to celebrate the success of those that had achieved formal training qualifications over the year. Through a series of nine major awards, the event also recognised the forest industry’s top performers from across the lower South Island.

The industry certainly rallied on the night. Like the previous three years, well over 300 forest managers, forestry contractors, transport operators and product and service suppliers to the industry from throughout the lower South Island attended the awards evening at Dunedin’s Forsyth Barr Stadium.

“The turnout by forestry workers, their families and supporters on the night is probably a true reflection on the momentum that’s been building over the last year or so with on-site training and safety in this region” says Grant Dodson, Chairman of the Southern Wood Council. “In addition to recognising the training achievements of forestry workers and crews that have really stood out over the past 12 months, the industry was able to come together at one place to celebrate the industry along with training and business success”.

“The message on the value of the awards evening has certainly found it’s mark with many companies bringing through all of their staff, families and workers, from Stewart Island through to Timaru. This year we even had staff from a local West Coast mill fly and drive across to Dunedin and a number of Stewart Island workers who’d picked up training qualifications over the year come up to be involved on the night.”

Presenters and speakers at this year’s awards evening included; Jamie MacKay, Host of NZ’s New Zealand’s flagship rural radio show, The Country and guest speaker Aaron Fleming, who provided a gripping, emotional and truly inspirational story to all those gathered. Aaron is a Sir Peter Blake Leader Award recipient, author of motivational book Purpose, multiple international Ironman athlete, New Zealand’s Olympic Games torchbearer, previous finalist for Young New Zealander of the Year and a television presenter – and he’s only in his early 30’s.

Around 120 National Training Certificates that had been achieved in Forestry & Wood Processing were awarded to top local contractors and forestry and wood processing employees. Six apprentices that started on a new regional training scheme this year were also awarded their first national certificates. All are anticipated to finish the course in October, with another group expected to start in June. In addition, nine major industry awards were presented to:

FISC Certificates – Otago Southland Eight certificates for Professional Tree Faller Certification, a scheme that has been implemented in the Otago/Southland region were also awarded on the night.

Congratulations go to all the winners, the nominees, their employers and families. This year’s awards programme with strong support from the wider industry, supporting organisation’s and major equipment and product suppliers has again been another important milestone for the forestry industry in the lower South Island. Like other Regional Wood Council awards evenings, it’s firmly established as the major fixture each year on the local forestry calendar.

OneFortyOne investing in sawmill upgrade

OneFortyOne has announced that the Wood Products team have been given approval to commence work on a new capital expenditure project worth approximately AU$14 million for the Jubilee Highway Sawmill in South Australia. The project will see the construction and commissioning of an additional 61 sorter bins for the site, all of which will be fabricated and installed by local contractors.

OFO’s CEO, Linda Sewell said “We were clear from the day we announced our intention to purchase the mill, that while we would not expand its capacity we are committed to investing in the mill and our local team in Mt Gambier.”

“The highly skilled team at the Jubilee Sawmill are well used to managing investment projects of this scale, and this latest project means greater efficiencies on the site and improvements along the entire supply chain. We are proud of our track record of supporting domestic processing and continuing to make substantial investments in the Green Triangle” said Ms Sewell.

Paul Hartung General Manager of the Jubilee Site Sawmill added “This investment is a great reinforcement from OneFortyOne of the team here at Jubilee so soon after the acquisition.”

OneFortyOne also confirms there will be no redundancies as a result of the project and estimate there will be over 50 local contractors working on site during the term of the project.

Northland iwi kicks off Billion Trees planting

The first deal has been done under the New Zealand Government’s Billion Trees programme.Northland iwi Ngati Hine will be planting 2.5 million pine trees and 465 hectares of manuka, sequestering about 2.1 million tonnes of carbon dioxide. Associate Forestry Minister Meka Whaitiri has welcomed the joint venture between Ngati Hine Forestry Trust and Te Uru Rakau (Forestry New Zealand). The joint venture includes planting 3,600 hectares of pine and almost 500 hectares of manuka.

“The training programme that will run alongside the planting of Manuka seedlings in 2019 and 2020 is a significant opportunity for Ngati Hine rangatahi to gain qualifications in the forestry sector,” Meka Whaitiri said. “We expect 20 trainees involved in the Manuka planting in 2019, and another 20 in 2020, to gain level 2 qualifications in a re-invigorated New Zealand forestry sector. There will also be significant apiculture business opportunities from this commercial Manuka plantation to contribute to the employment opportunities in the heart of Ngati Hine country. It demonstrates how you can diversify Maori land to build long term resilience.”

C02 capture – technology or trees?

This time last year, on 31 May, the world’s first commercial carbon dioxide capture-plant was opened in Hinwil, Switzerland. It’s designed and operated by a Swiss company called Climeworks, and uses a modular design that can be scaled up over time.

The company says that the plant will remove 900 tons of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere every year by passing it through a special filter that isolates carbon dioxide molecules.
What will happen to all of this carbon dioxide? Some of it will be cycled into nearby greenhouses to help the plants grow and some to use in carbonated beverages, the rest underground. The company says their technology could be used to stop climate change.

They estimate that 250,000 such plants would be necessary to capture enough carbon to meet the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change‘s goals of capturing 1% of global emissions by 2025. Why would anyone do this when you could plant beautiful trees instead, trees that provide shade and fruits, as well as take carbon dioxide from the atmosphere and replace it with breathable oxygen? Trees are really good at this. It only takes an average of 98 trees to remove 1 ton of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere per year.

That means that this plant is worth only 88,200 trees per year — and really more than that if you add in the enormous carbon and energy footprint for the fabrication of all the parts. We can’t compare the costs of Climeworks “solution” to trees, because Climeworks doesn’t state the cost of their plant on their website—probably because it’s egregiously high.

But we do know the cost of planting trees. You can sponsor charities to plant trees for you at 20 cents per tree. We probably don’t even need to plant more trees, we just need to stop cutting them down to make room for new development and ranch land—better land management is actually our cheapest, and most effective option at preserving the environment.

Latest quarterly Timber Market Survey report out

The March quarter 2018 Timber Market Survey (TMS) has shown upward price movements in Australia for untreated MGP10 and MGP12 products ranging between 5.9% and 7.1%, while treated F7 products showed record upward price movements of between 6.0% and 10.3%.

Engineered wood products also showed record upward price movements over the March quarter. Prices for I-joist/I-beam products increased between 3.1% and 4.4%, while LVL products showed stronger increases ranging between 4.8% to 5.5%.

Price movements for plywood and particleboard products were upwards and ranged between 1.4% and 3.0%, while upward price movements for MDF products were more moderate - with increases of up to 0.8%. Prices for outdoor softwood products also increased over the quarter, with treated decking showing price movements of around 4.8%, and treated sleepers showing price movements of around 3.4%.

The TMS collects price data through quarterly surveys of a representative sample of timber market participants in eastern Australia. All quarterly TMS reports contain price movement information for softwood timber, panel and engineered wood products. The June and December quarter editions also include price movement information for hardwood timber products surveyed over a six-month period.

Shot in the arm for Engineered Timber

New Zealand green building leaders are calling for urgent action on building efficiency, following new analysis that has revealed the built environment is responsible for about 20 per cent of all national greenhouse gas emissions, a figure up to 10 times previous estimates.

Other studies have claimed the sector’s emissions are responsible for anywhere between two and five per cent of total emissions. The five per cent figure, which was included in last month’s NZ Productivity Commission Low Emissions Economy draft report, is based only on the operational emissions of buildings.

The thinkstep figure takes into account emissions associated with construction, as well as the products consumed within buildings and emissions associated with building products that are either imported or exported. Of the about 20 per cent of the national gross carbon footprint attributable to the built environment, 8.6 per cent of emissions come from energy use, 8.7 per cent from building products, 2.1 per cent from imported emissions (the majority of which are services such as insurance) and 0.5 per cent from building and garden waste.

The report used an international methodology that has also been implemented by organisations such as the European Commission, Danish government, the US National Bureau of Economic Research and NZ’s Motu Economic and Public Policy Research. It allocates emissions to a sector at the point of consumption, rather than production, and considers the entire lifecycle of buildings, including the extraction of raw materials, material production, electricity and energy use, and the treatment of construction waste.

The NZ Green Building Council has backed the study, and said the results indicated the government should be increasing resources and efforts to reduce emissions from buildings. NZGBC chief executive Andrew Eagles told The Fifth Estate the report’s findings should be a “real wake up call for people to think more deeply about materials”.

The findings are also a real shot in the arm for suppliers of materials with lower embodied carbon, such as engineered timber products, he said. The report found that just over six per cent of NZ’s gross carbon footprint came from the production/construction phase of the built environment – 2.6 per cent from steel, 1.6 per cent from aluminium, 1.9 per cent from cement and other non-metallic minerals such as aggregates, and 0.1 per cent from other sources.

Wood products were excluded as their emissions cannot be easily separated from pulp and paper, and their maximum possible emissions contribution is only 0.5 per cent of the national total. More >>

Super clusters to aid in forestry innovation

Information sharing between competing businesses and research facilities in B.C.'s forestry sector, could help grow the industry, rather than create more competition, according to tech experts.

Canada's Digital Technology Supercluster Consortium was at the Council of Forest Industries Convention in Prince George recently to talk about how superclusters can help forestry and other resource industries.

Superclusters are innovation hotbeds, fuelled by dense regional economies that grow at rapid rates as a result of tight relationships between businesses, large and small, and post-secondary and other research institutions.

With all the technology being used to understand B.C.'s forests, such as drones, ground surveys and satellite imaging, the sharing of information could ultimately lead to identifying potential hotspots for wildfires, figuring out how to manage forests, and understanding how infestations, such as the devastating pine beetle, spread.

"Our intention is to use digital technology as a means to really drive the accelerated growth of our resource industries and also some of the other industries that are predominant here in British Columbia," digital technology supercluster co-chair Bill Tam told Daybreak North host Carolina de Ryk.

"The idea was to really design a framework where you can encourage collaboration across companies, not just in the same sector, but actually across different industry sectors," he said. "It's really to unlock the power of data and digital technology so we can achieve better economic, social and even human outcomes."

Tam said of all the data that is collected throughout the world each day, less than 0.5 per cent of it is being used to help bolster the economy. Though some may argue businesses in the same field are unlikely to want to collaborate on research or share information, Tam says that's not an issue.

"Many resource companies will tell you that the basis by which they're competing is generally not about the data they're collecting, it's generally about how they're interpreting the information and how they're applying the strategies that they're actually taking to market," he said.

If B.C.'s forestry industry is not able to adapt to the supercluster model, where businesses and researchers share information freely, Tam said the province will slip further and further behind global competition, which could put the province in a dire position. "I think that's one of the driving forces for why we're pushing for this supercluster to be truly collaborative and successful."

The changing shape of our shipping fleet

With a target to halve its huge carbon footprint, the race is on to find new technologies to green the world’s shipping fleet After a commitment last month to cut greenhouse gas emissions from shipping by at least 50% by 2050, the race is on to find new technologies that can green the 50,000-strong global shipping fleet. Wind power is one of the options being discussed.

International shipping accounts for more than 2% of global carbon dioxide emissions, roughly the same as aircraft. But the 2015 Paris agreement to fight climate change left control of the shipping industry’s emissions to the International Maritime Organisation.

While environment groups applauded the agreement to cut hard and deep by 2050, they pointed out that it falls far short what is technically achievable. A report published just before the meeting by the International Transport Forum (ITF), a thinktank run by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), found that the industry could achieve up to 95% decarbonisation as early as 2035 using “maximum deployment of currently known technologies.”

Low tech solutions

The good news is that easy-to-do low-tech solutions can deliver a lot. Maersk, the world’s largest container shipping line, has already discovered it can cut fuel use 30% simply by steaming more slowly.

Because of the wide availability of cheap (and often dirty) fuel, shipping has traditionally been wasteful. Most merchant ships are made of heavy steel rather than lighter aluminium, and don’t bother with obvious energy-saving measures like low-friction hull coatings or recovering waste heat.

More slender ship designs alone could cut fuel use — and hence emissions — by 10-15% at slow speeds and up to 25% at high speeds, says the ITF. But replacing the existing fleet would take time. The average age of today’s shipping fleet is 25 years. Rules of energy efficiency for new ships introduced by the IMO in 2013 will only fully come into force from 2030, meaning that any switch to slender ships would not apply to most ships at sea until mid-century or beyond.

But much could be done more quickly by retrofitting existing ships with technology to cut their fuel use and hence emissions, according to the ITF. Here are just four:

- Fitting ships’ bows with a bulbous extension below the water line reduces drag enough to cut emissions 2-7%;
- A technique known as air lubrication, which pumps compressed air below the hull to create a carpet of bubbles, also reduces drag and can cut emissions by a further 3%;
- Replacing one propeller with two rotating in opposite directions recovers slipstream energy and can make efficiency gains of 8-15%,
- Cleaning the hull and painting it with a low-friction coating can deliver gains of up to 5%.

Entirely new ships

Putting together better designs and better fuel will create entirely new kinds of ships in future. And the blueprints are already being drawn up.

The Aquarius Ecoship, a cargo ship devised by a Japanese company called Eco Marine Power, is driven by a phalanx of rigid sails and solar panels. The same system could power oil tankers, cruise ships and much else. It would not, the designers admit, entirely eliminate the need for conventional fuel: Even with large batteries to store the solar and wind energy, back-up would be needed. But it could cut emissions by 40 percent.

Going one better, the Japanese shipping line NYK boasts that its design for a 350m-long container ship, the Super Eco Ship 2030, would use LNG to make hydrogen to run fuel cells. Backed up by solar panels covering the entire ship and 4,000 square metres of sails to catch the wind, the combination could cut emissions by 70%. Or for a completely zero-carbon option, engineers at Wallenius Wilhelmsen, a Scandinavian shipping line, offer the E/S Orcelle, a lightweight cargo ship designed to transport up to 10,000 cars (electric, we trust) on eight decks.

It would be powered by electricity, half coming directly from wind, solar and wave energy, and the other half from converting some of that energy into hydrogen to power fuel cells. The company says the ship could be afloat by 2025.

Today’s ships are in many respects almost indistinguishable from those of a century ago. But the IMO decision to finally get with the global climate agenda has fired the starting gun on what is set to be a race to create a new standard for low-carbon shipping that should be the norm just a few decades from now. More >>.

Applications open for Commonwealth Young Forester Award

As part of the Commonwealth Forestry Association’s commitment to supporting the professional development of young foresters we are pleased to announce the launch of the CFA Young Forester Award 2018 in conjunction with the Faculty of Forestry at the University of British Columbia.

The CFA Young Forester Award provides a short-term work placement of three months hosted by the University of British Columbia at their Malcolm Knapp Research Forest, between September and December 2018, where the successful applicants will be able to develop their practical skills. The Award covers flights, accommodation, local travel, subsistence costs and a small bursary to cover the period of the placement.

The 2018 Award will focus on forest wildlife management. The two winners will assist in a research project focusing on mammal community dynamics in human-impacted ecosystems which will assist in the development of conservation strategies for human-wildlife coexistence.

For more information regarding the eligibility criteria and application process click here. Applications close on 15 June 2018.

Metsa Wood launches Open Source Wood platform

The Open Source Wood initiative was launched in June 2017 by Metsä Wood in order to accelerate growth in urban wood construction. The new opensourcewood.com offers a platform for knowledge sharing and collaboration. The service is free and welcomes all organisations and individuals.

The Open Source Wood initiative aims to speed up the growth of modular wood construction by making innovative ideas freely available for all. Only a fraction of urban construction today is wood, partly because the knowledge about using wood in construction has been difficult to find. Open Source Wood gathers innovations in modular wood construction from all corners of the world and makes them available for all, free of charge.

"In June 2017, we asked the professionals of wood construction to share their innovations, and we are very pleased with the outcome," says Esa Kaikkonen, Executive Vice President at Metsä Wood. "It is important to increase the design options for architects and engineers, and to make the design process easy. Open collaboration can speed up this development in our industry".

"The Open Source Wood initiative welcomes all materials, producers and users. The objective is not to use wood everywhere, but to make wooden and hybrid structures a serious option globally," Kaikkonen continues. "Thirty per cent of global CO2 emissions come from construction and building with wood can be the solution."

Art, technology and the forest

A new exhibition at the Art Gallery of Greater Victoria has created a world where nature and the scientific meet, in Supernatural: Art, Technology and the Forest. Through photography, video and digital art, Supernatural explores how camera-based images shape our understanding of the forest.

“The exhibition explores how artists working in the realm of photo and video art are showing us new ways to look at the forest, expanding our understanding of forest environments in surprising and significant ways,” says AGGV curator, Haema Sivanesan.

... and one to end the week on ... giving the cat a pill

How to give a cat a pill

Now anyone with a cat who has tried to give it a pill - cunningly and unsuccessfully disguised in cat food - can relate to the story below.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band- Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Now, toss it in the air.

And on that note, have a great weekend. An extra day's holiday this weekend for the Kiwi's and next Monday for our Australian readers. Enjoy. Cheers.

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