I feel sick. If i sound like im going to break, then i hope somebody does something. All sorts of memories are coming back. Im still living with my abuser. I cant handle this, im going to fucking die. Im not going to kill myself, im going to crack. If I hurt myself with my fantasies again im going to forget everything and pretend like it didn't happened and there isnt a damn thing i can do about because im not in control of my own mind. My head hurts and i feel sick. If i dont leave i feel like im just going to start babeling and curl up into a ball forever. If my mind took it upon itself to bury memories then how do i know im not being abused right now? I have been getting scared and blocking my bed with a big trunk that my mom put in my room thats filled with my baby clothes. I thought i put it there last night and when i woke up it was moved back. Maybe i had to go to the bathrooom, but im so scared at night. I keep thinking someone is trying to kill me, and i am afraid that ive lost control of my mind or that i never had it. I got paranoid when the ice cream truck came by our neighborhood and thought he was a hitman, even though i knew it wasnt real i found myself sneaking around the house and peeking from the backyard to make sure. Ill keep holding on but i am afraid. I know my mom abused me with a suppository when i was 14 and i remember all these little things that arent abuse but i know had something to do with it. Ill probably feel more together tommorow, but i dont know how much longer i can function. I can barely move most of the day, i sleep till noon sometimes and stay in bed for another thirty minutes just trying to sit up. Im not going to kill myself, and im not going to hurt anybody the way i was hurt ever. If i die somebody or something is going to have to kill me. But if somebody kills me i want somebody to know the truth. I know i shouldnt give out my information, but what difference does it make? Im probably going to end up in the nuthouse anyways, and i dont really care if people know where my fucked up mother and her drugdealing boyfriend live. My name is Kevin Puszert and i live at 5641 Harold pl in Westminster, CA. If anybody wants to fuck with me you can come down and see if you can push me over the edge. I want to live, not live a long slow death. I grew up wanting to be a soldier, because they abbove all people should respect life and freedom, and they alone seemed to have the courage to do the things that other people couldnt do. They know what it means to make sacrifice, to do the things nobody else is willing to do for the right cause. Then i grow up and everybody is telling me heroes are bullshit and violence is wrong and everything i believe in is worth shit. Well fuck them! Maybe heroes are bullshit, but somebody is out there looking for serial killers in the fbi right now, somebody is trying to stop child molestors from hurting more kids, but the problem is nobodies willing to take the basterd whos been molesting kids all his life out on parole for his second violation and just put a bullet in his fucking head. Thier is no rehabilitation for some people, there is no fucking revenge, you just have to protect yourself and everything you hold dear because there is no other fucking option. When are people going to realize there just some problems we dont know how to fix right now, that forcing people to do the right thing is the only alternative to a living hell? All my life i empathise with everybody whose evr felt pain and all it ever gets me is pain because nobody is willing to do a godamn thing! WHere the hell is my fucking help? I dont have any friends that will listen, i dont have any family that cares about me enough to break the silence of what has probably been going on forever. When i see my fellow man in pain i want to help, but who helps me? I need shelter, i need the knowledge a therapist can provide, i need to know ill have enough medication, i need somebody to talk besides my therapist in real life not just some damn forum. Im sorry i dont want to hurt anyone but im just hurting so bad. Tomorrow ill probably feel better, im sorry i took up so much time. Ill probably get out, but right now i feel like a caged animal. Ill be back.

You will survive through this.You mention that you want to live, and you will live and everything will be alright.You are a soldier. Right now, you are making your sacrifices, you are fighting for whats right and just, you are a hero.

I'm glad that you empathize with everyone who is feeling hurt and harmed.I have never been in therapy, and have never had any help. Since the age of five, when I was abused, I have survived by my own strength, I have been the one who saved myself.

If you would like to talk, feel free to call me at my number(which I've posted to you as a personal message)

Violence is not a good option. The abusers will feel the pain. What goes around, comes around.

Think good thoughts.Think about nature, about a bright sunny day, a green meadow, a cool breeze, a gurgling brook, a seashore, blue-green water, silence, warm sand, cool waves lapping at your feet, a starlit night, sweet music, light fog on a spring morning, wildflowers growing on the hillside, fresh dew on green grass, lying in a hammock on a warm day, chirping of birds, a seagull soaring above the waves, the smell of the earth on the first rainshower,....

Hi broken. My childhood hangout was a house on Willamette Dr,Westminister. Zip code was 92683. Small World,is'nt it? All those cookie cutter 1940s/1950s tract homes. It's depressing. And Garbage Grove is spitting distance away. Yikes! You deserve combat pay just for living there. Look towards San Diego. I live in the hills in the distance. North Tustin/Lemon Heights..

Hugs. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. And I know the lonliness is unbearable. I agree, you are a hero. Hell, many of us are heroes just for getting up out of bed each day. I would be happy to listen to you. I don't know if I have any answers or, for that matter, even help. But I can listen. My AIM name is listed and I will send you my home phone if you want to call.

My grandmother and her little sister were raised in Anaheim, and they were sexually abused by their father. According to my mom (who was also molested, but by the man that married my grandma's older sister), that man also allowed her girls to "take rides" with other men. Can you believe that, he lent his daughters out to other people???

OC just seems to be a hotbed of sickness... This was in the late '30s.

Penthouse magazine. December 1973 issue. Letters section page 30. Santa Ana,Ca (name withheld)===============================Family Affairs...I have experienced sex with my sister and it has been the best I've ever had. I became totally aroused while watching her undress. I was 13. She was 16. I barged into her room wearing only jockey shorts. I walked over to her,began kissing her,pressing her warm firm body to mine. I sucked and kissed her breasts until she moaned with pleasure. I deflowered my sister that night and we have enjoyed sex to this day. Neither of us feels it is wrong. Our sexual relationship is beautiful!!"(name withheld),Santa Ana,Calif

Tinfoil, I have to agree with Broken. I know we're all a bit fucked up but I think your last post to this subject was ill-judged.

The original article was clearly intended to be soft-porn and the incest thing was probably not even considered back in 1973 as it would have been assumed that this would never happen. But to repeat it here nearly three years later where many of us will be sickened by it was wrong.

I think that Tinfoil has shown you a little look at the other side...No one out there knows what effect SA has on a man or what PTSD is! They look at this crap and just think that it is sex...Penhouse is the way the minds of the masses work...most likely made up bull. When my supervisor at work told everyone about my abuse...they all thought that I was gay and would try to rape them...what the fuck is this???? Just people who don't know how hard it is just to stay alive after SA...people don't know!!!! Tinfoil has come up with some of the best shit that I have read here in a year! I think that anyone in a group with him would really be helped...everyone trying to be nice and sweet about this shit all the time "SUCKS"!!!!!! It's good to see all sides. I hate Penhouse and the people at work but understand the fucked-up place that they are coming from. Everything is different for SA Males and you should be ready to stand up against the worst that will be coming your way!!!! Look-out and learn!!!!

Tinfoil was also pointing out that the letter writer was from Santa Ana (a city here in Orange County). See my other thread ("OC as Center of Evil?").

I'm just curious how you have ready access to the applicable letter, when it's from a Penthouse Letters column from '73. Geez, that from before *I* was born! You must have a very efficient filing system.

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