The Best Networking Advice: Stop Asking People to Coffee

Networking: it seems to be a hot topic that’s always on the table no matter what field you work in. Whether you’re a recent grad trying to get your foot in the door at your dream company, trying to switch jobs, get promoted, start a new career, or heck, even start a side hobby (like a blog!) networking is absolutely essential to your personal growth.

So, that got me thinking–how does one exactly nail networking? I mean, this is something that everyone deals with, right? How do you get someone to actually READ your email, or respond to your Linked In message? Why does this have to be so hard?

To attempt to crack the networkingcode, I reached out to a handful of young professionals across several different industries: media, finance, advertising, sales, and of course, my own–blogging. (AKA all of my friends, total disclaimer. We’re a pretty diverse group though, so rest assured.)

And what I found out might really surprise you. (And it did me too, but honestly, it totally makes sense.)

It pretty much all boils down to this:

Stop asking people you don’t know to coffee.

I know, I know. This is what you’re SUPPOSED to do. This is what you learn in school! This is what your parents tell you to do. That’s how the professional networking world used to work, is it not?

But hear me out. Let’s think about it for a second, yes?

Most people don’t have time to even get coffee with their best friend, much less a complete stranger. (Did a lightbulb just go off? Like, why haven’t we thought of this before?)

But when you ask someone to coffee, they feel bad telling you no, because of course, who wouldn’t want to help?

They feel badly if they tell you no, but they also feel badly about taking time away from their business or family to meet you, a random person, whom they don’t know, but still really want to help.

So, essentially, what started as a polite gesture on your part has actually put them in an awkward, lose-lose situation. (Not an emotion you want to subconsciously, unintentionally evoke from a potential mentor.)

When I heard different forms of this response roll in over and over from different people, it made me realize–this wasn’t the first time I was hearing it.

(It also made me be like OMG crap, how many times have I made this mistake reaching out to people?!)

I actually first heard something along these lines while reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In–a book that my mother had purchased for me, ironically, right before I decided to leave my job at a huge ad agency. I put off reading it for a year because I didn’t really think it would be that applicable to me, but it turns out, it was.

There’s a chapter called, “Are You My Mentor?” which actually re-affirms this sentiment. Sandberg’s point? You can’t just go up to any old person and ask “Would you be my mentor?” It has to be an organic journey. Think of it like a cold call. Or going up to a random person on the street and say, “Hey! You! Would like you like to grab a drink with me?” Probably not. But, all is not lost. Don’t get discouraged, just keep reading! Here’s what to do instead:

Networking Alternative #1: Give before you take.

The people who get furthest in this world are ones who give more than they take. They always bring something to the table, and they not only give more than they take, they give before they take.

By giving before you take, you establish a relationship with a person way before you ever ask for their time. (Something that people are very protective of, even more than money!)

Maybe you follow them on social media and cultivate a friendly conversation that way–letting them know your feedback on their articles or blog posts, retweeting their tweets, etc. I can’t tell you how many great friends I’ve made online that I’ve never met in person! You can bet that when I see their name pop up in my [over 1,000 unread emails, oy] inbox, they’re going to be the first I reply to and go out of my way to help. Because that’s what friends do! If you try to take before you give, you’ll probably never develop a real friendship.

Let’s go with another scenario: there’s a Senior VP whom you really admire. Maybe they’re working on a certain project that you’ve heard about through the grapevine–you could send them links to helpful articles and say “This is a really helpful article I thought would be particularly relevant to X project!” or even, “I have a little more bandwidth to help out this week than usual, I’d be happy to lend a hand on the presentation if you need any extra help!” This got me a long way in advertising, and lead to two promotions at two different companies much more quickly than the norm.

Little actions like these go leaps and bounds above and beyond than just shooting someone a blind email which is essentially saying, “Hi, you don’t know me, but can you go out of your way to tell me everything you did to be successful so I don’t have to work for it myself?” (Not saying that some people aren’t happy to do this for random strangers, I’ve done it many times, but it doesn’t always make the best first impression.)

Networking Alternative #2: Make it more time consuming to say “no” than “yes.”

Whomever you’re trying to speak with, always make it a goal to give them an offer they can’t refuse. It should be more time consuming for them to email back, “I’m sorry, I just don’t have the time right now” than for them to answer your question.

How? It’s all in the question that you ask. This is another tip that Sandberg touches on in Lean In. (And yes, you read that right. ONE question.)

Make sure that your question is A. Specific enough to that person that nobody else should be able to answer it and B. That it’s not answered anywhere on their blog, website, or on the internet somewhere else.

For example, let’s pretend that you’re a new graphic designer and you’re reaching out to a graphic design entrepreneur who owns her own business and blogs/podcasts about tips for newbie graphic designers:

Bad question:

Email subject: Graphic design tips

Question: “I’m starting my first graphic design class, do you have any tips for newbies?”

Why is it bad? It’s vague, not personal, will take a long time to answer and frankly, a quick google search would be able to answer that question.

The entrepreneur’s impression: I write entire articles about graphic design on my blog and this girl was either not competent enough to find them, or too lazy to read them.

Good question:

Email subject: I loved your book reccos, “X title” and “X title” do you have any others?

Question: “I absolutely love your website and how you speak specifically to new graphic designers. Your tutorials have given me more confidence than I ever thought possible to make my new side hustle succeed–I cannot thank you enough!

I wanted to follow up regarding tips you shared on your latest podcast episode–you mentioned books X and X as being helpful for you when you first started out. I’ve read them as well, and I completely agree, those are some of my favorites!

I was wondering if you had any more book recommendations? I’ve loved everything you’ve recommended so far and I’m on the hunt for a new book!

Thanks again for all you do! P.S. I also grew up in Indianapolis. Go Colts!”

Why is it great?EVERYTHING is short and to the point, even the email subject line. She doesn’t even have to open the email to know what you want from her, and that it will take her 2 seconds to answer. You made it clear that you ALREADY listened to her first recommendations (AKA you’ve done your homework, and you’ve not only listened to her advice, you’ve implemented it with success, and would like to do it again.)

You also threw in an extra tidbit that establishes common ground, which tells her that you A. Pay close attention to what she has to say, and know she grew up in Indianapolis. And B. It makes her feel even more connected to you.

The entrepreneur’s impression: WOW I am so flattered–I can’t believe this girl is such a loyal reader and that she values what I have to say so much. I’m also super impressed she did her homework on those books, and OMG we’re both from Indy. Small world. I need to keep in touch with her!

Networking Alternative #3: Be upfront.

Networking is part of getting ahead in the business world. There’s no way around it! Everyone has needed or wanted something from someone else in the past. People really do like to “pay it forward.” It’s just that they only have so many hours in a day.

Therefore, there’s no shame in just blatantly asking for something–BUT, do so acknowledging exactly what you’re doing.

Even something as simple as,

“I would love to buy you a cup of coffee, but completely acknowledge the fact that you can afford you own cappuccinos and have way more important things to do with your time, so even five minutes over the phone to answer a few simple questions would be huge! Of course, on the off chance that you do have a craving for free caffeine, please say the date and the time, and I’m there.”

There’s something admirable about someone who is unapologetically to the point. If I’m an executive who gets coffee and “informational interview” requests on a daily basis, I am WAY more likely to actually want to get coffee with this person in particular.

It proves that you are empathetic, which is a huge asset to have in any business setting. It also proves that you’re not a time waster, and hey–you’re funny, and a little gutsy too. Not to mention, you’re making yourself available whenever they are. (See below!)

(On that note, maybe that executive wants to hire you. You sound like the perfect employee.)

Let’s talk about another scenario.

Say you simply want to partner with someone–another blogger, another entrepreneur, another business owner in your space.

Guess what? You don’t need to buy someone coffee or require an hour of their precious time in order to make them realize you’d be a valuable partner!

If you have a great business, blog, website, branding, etc, it should be very apparent to them that you’d be a great person to pair up with. Just tell them what you want!

If they don’t respond positively, then you’re reaching out to the wrong people. (Or you need to work on your branding.)

Remember: Be available.

Keeping the above tips in mind, when you do reach out and request someone’s time (the right way, of course), it’s important to be available.

Have you ever sent an email like this before? (I have. #PalmToFace.)

“Hi X,

My friend X went to college with your roommate, X, and recommended I get in touch with you, as I’m trying to get into marketing and I know you love your job in the marketing department at X company! If you’re up for it, I’d love to meet and pick your brain over coffee! I’m available on this Tuesday at 8am, Friday at 6pm, or Sunday at Noon.” Have you tried X coffee shop? I’d love to meet you there, it’s adorable and right by my house! My treat, of course. Hope to hear from you soon!”

Notice how many times “I” was used in that tiny paragraph. What does that say when you give availability in your outreach email? It says your schedule is more important than theirs. You’re essentially saying, “here are the times I (the more important one) can fit YOU (the less important one, clearly with a less busy schedule) into my life.”

Same with just throwing out a coffee shop, expecting this person who doesn’t know you, might very well have to schlep 30 minutes out of their way (or pay for an Uber out of their own pocket) to get across town to meet you.

Not a great first impression to make, right?

More over, understand that asking for someone’s time on the weekend is a HUGE ASK. Everyone prioritizes their weekend differently. Just because you’re willing to work on Saturday doesn’t mean you need to pressure someone else to! (Again, what would you say to a random stranger on the street asking you to meet you across town to hang out on Saturday?)

The Golden Rule? Be empathetic.

If you only take one thing away from this article, I hope it’s the overall message to be empathetic when it comes to networking (and life in general). The key to approaching networking is understanding the other person’s time constraints, schedule, work-life balance, and using that to guide your approach in reaching out to them. (Also, ALWAYS remember to say “Thank you!”) This will go SO FAR in establishing your credibility, and make you a better professional, and person, because of it!

Jess! Thank you for writing this, it is such a thoughtful article. Networking has always been a necessary evil in my mind because the conversations often begin with the bad examples you shared. If I had a penny for every “I’d love to chat” email or tweet or comment I’ve gotten, or even written myself… well I’d have a lot of pennies! What surprises me even more is the number of times people who casually said “let’s meet” won’t actually follow up. That leaves a sour taste too. You’re spot on with Empathy being important, it is important in all areas of life. It is actually something I am reading a book on now – how to raise more empathetic children!

Love this! Once a company reached out to me, asking for help, and suggesting a time and place that was convenient for them. I never replied – I thought it was rude to demand that I help them and go out of my way to do so. This is such great advice. I get asked out for coffee a lot, and I never really have the time. I would much rather spend 15 minutes on the phone!

What a great read! This is my first time on your site and I AM SOLD! My Friend and I have been discussing ways to network ourselves and have often questioned “What would make us stand out over others?” We are crawling out of a small town that doesn’t advertise such growth and are looking for advice such as this. A very insightful post and extremely helpful to those new to networking

Read this yesterday, but I’ve been thinking about it ever since (I actually work in advertising so some of these resonated with me a lot). I need to up my bravery game and actually attempt to network, but I’m going to try my best to do at least one or two of these in the coming months.
-E

You hit the nail on the head! Networking really has to be carefully and strategically planned. I get a mix of good and bad pitches daily. Some from entrepreneurs but oddly the worse ones come from brands. All of us can use these tips.

Completely on point. Not sure I could have stated this better!! Thanks for sharing these amazing tips.

I have a few ideas for Part 2 of this article: “They agreed to meet for coffee. Now What?”

(1) Be professional at all times: Don’t get too familiar with your mentor-to-be during the actually coffee meeting. This could range from overall demeanor to questions/topics that are too personal; etc.

(2) Stay humble and open: In the quest for information, advice, or assistance during said coffee, there has to be an openness to the responses given. It’s possible that you won’t like or even agree with some of the answers but don’t be dismissive.

(3) Follow up: It’s a good practice to express gratitude via a short email and to update your mentor-to-be on the positive impact of their advice. A simple “Thank You” note goes a long way and keeps the door open for additional dialog.

I agree I would love to read a part two! I loved all of your insight into reaching out to brands in your Ask Jess videos and would love to hear more about your networking strategies. I would love to hear your recommendations as far as what to talk about on the phone call or coffee date (if you do end up meeting).

I wish you could see me raising my hands to the dear lord in exultation of how glorious this post is. It’s blunt and to the point, and it puts my feelings about cold pitch emails into words ever more eloquently than I could. If we’re ever in the same town, coffee’s on me.

We practice a lot of these tips in fundraising and brand awareness for our organization. It is truly invaluable to create that connection and relationship before you start asking for anything. Great post Jess!
– Natalie, anchalproject.org

Saw this post from a tweet my friend sent out and this really resonated with me! I felt really bad that newer bloggers in town were constantly asking me to grab coffee and I just never felt to desire to network that way, but your points are so valid and it makes me rethink how to network entirely. Thank you!

This is so great! I took a sales course in college and I felt like our professor was way behind the times to be talking about networking. This was in 2011 (I think) and just like you said in the beginning of this post, asking people to coffee is what you’re taught to do and he basically told us to do just that! I’ve always kind of felt weird demanding things of people I don’t know and that is why networking also seemed so difficult and so not me. It’s not that I’m a complete introvert, it’s just that I don’t feel that I should have to walk up to someone and give them my “elevator speech” so that they’ll talk to me. I feel like the word networking just has a bad connotation nowadays and that’s why I love the idea of groups like The Rising Tide Society. Less about demanding to know how someone broke through in their industry, and more about learning and growing together!

I actually just googled this topic as research for a quick blog post of my own. Very different than what mine is about. I am in network marketing and one of my associates had a very good meeting with several customers and I thought I would share the quick story about it. I guess some of the things she did and that we sometimes do work with what you said. She actually went to them and worked around their schedule and availability! Ironically my business is coffee!!

It comes down to building rapport with someone before you start asking all kinds of favors. My pet hate is when people shove their business card under my knows and try to get an appointment to ‘do a presentation to my team’ without knowing what my business is about.

In full transparency, I built a successful business in a new city by having two coffees per day for nearly two years – but “coffee” was an analogy for “networking meetings”. Some of them could be 15-minute phone calls and some of them were lunch and all were introduced through a personal connection of some sort. Your suggestions for personalization and small asks are spot-on. I’d also add to that: clarity of follow-up. Thanks for the tips!

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[…] Networking In 2016: Stop Asking People To Coffee / The Golden Girl This advice couldn’t have come at a better time for me personally! No matter how far I get in my career and personal life, networking is always intimidating to me and Jess has great advice here. […]

[…] receive inquiries asking about brand and blog consultations; often these inquiries are, “can we meet for coffee and I pick your brain?” In the past, I have declined these opportunities. They took time away from me working on my […]

[…] curious. Hand out your business card (you have a business card, right?). One thing I learned from this really great article on networking, which you should definitely read, is to make an effort to […]

[…] Someone I don’t know wants to connect over coffee but my workdays are packed and I have 2 days a week to myself (hello, weekend) and need to spend it with people I’m already invested in. I love helping people so I say no to coffee but offer to answer questions over email. My friend Jess explained that one a little further here. […]

[…] of the best things I’ve read about this is from Jess! Last year she wrote a post about networking titled, ‘Stop Asking People to Coffee!’ While the whole post is a GREAT read, this portion below sticks out to […]