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processing

this will not be anything like my other posts, i’m not even sure why or if i want to publicly disclose what happened to me last night / this morning.

last night i got drugged by a guy i was on a date with.
literally given a drug without my knowledge or consent… added to the food he made for me or maybe stirred into our (non-alcoholic) drinks. i will never know for sure.

and now i’m sitting in my bed, processing what happened, and my body is shaking. there’s a persistent quiver in my hands, in my legs. i’m willing to bet that this feeling will last until i go to sleep tonight.

processing.

i feel hungover and drained, despite not having consumed a single drop of alcohol in the past twenty four hours. thankfully my room is warm, and i feel calmed by the orange strokes that the sun is painting on the wall behind my bed. it’s strange that i don’t feel particularly emotional in this moment (processing) but my little sanctuary of a room may be the thing holding me together. now i’m just praying that heat fully returns to my limbs. i am so cold after what felt like a very, very long walk home this morning, from my friend’s house where i slept and was cared for.

this friend (the sister i never had) is the closest thing to an angel that exists on this planet. she would have been the one to save my life if i had been given rohypnol, or something along those lines, and had actually blacked out. the cops and ambulance were pretty much on their way to this guy’s house as soon as i sent the initial, panicked “sos” messages to her.

luckily, i was not given a classic “date rape drug.” i never lost consciousness, and i am sure now that he “only” laced my meal with ecstasy.
but when the effects of any drug begin to kick in (one that you didn’t willingly take) – it is terrifying. mainly because it’s extremely difficult to know what exactly is happening to you – especially when you have minimal experience with recreational drugs to begin with, when you are sitting across the table from a man you don’t know who is rambling on about this and that (to distract me?) – when the lights in the room are low, when the food is settling in your stomach making you feel sluggish and sleepy, when your teeth start clenching up, and your heartbeat quickens to the point it seems that your actual heart might pound through your chest and splatter out onto the table in front of you, when the word rape first flutters across the forefront of your mind, when you know your phone has very little power remaining.

[i’m sure the scene has been sufficiently painted.]

eventually i was paranoid that i might only have minutes to spare before blacking out and being completely at this guy’s mercy. i excused myself to use the loo, locked the bathroom door, and immediately sent a barrage of frantic whatsapp messages to my friend. it was in sending those messages that i knew how bad it was. i could barely type. as soon as i received confirmation that the police had been called, i left the bathroom, grabbed my stuff, and got the hell out of there.

– – –

me: “i’m feeling a bit ill, i may have food poisoning so i think i’m going to go outside for a bit to get some fresh air.”

him: “i can open a window?”

i tried to be cool, but clearly i was scared to death as i threw on my coat, grabbed my bag, and picked up my shoes. i didn’t even bother putting them on before i left his flat, walking barefoot out onto the wet ground of the sidewalk in front of his house.

[some people might claim that this is my fault because i went to his house, but my choice to trust this person does not warrant (nor will it ever be an excuse for) what he did to me, what he has surely done to other women. this doesn’t mean that i haven’t learned an important lesson though.]

many women are not so lucky as i was. i had a true friend to turn to who reacted quickly, and the drug was at least bearable when i wasn’t in survival mode (although admittedly, the fear has stuck around for quite some time.)

never go to someone’s house before letting someone else know where you will be and how you can contact the person you are meeting.

i look back at my friend’s “Okay lol” and it’s all i need to see to make me shudder.