Two chemists go into a restaurant.The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.

Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?A: HeHe

Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?A: He got Avogadro's number!

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."

Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.

As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.

The optimist sees the glass half full.The pessimist sees the glass half empty.The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?A: A ferrous wheel.

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?A: H2O cubed.

Q: What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?A: OH SNaP!

A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".

Q: What do you do with a dead chemist?A: Barium

Q: What did one ion say to the other?A: I've got my ion you.

Q: Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?A: To reduce his carbon footprint.

Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?A: One molar solution.

A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you," The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."

Q: What do you call a clown who's in jail?A: A silicon.

Q: Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?A: Because it's pretty basic stuff.