God Jul

If you’re shopping for me, skip the Saurian brandy
And please, no more of that Bertie Bott’s candy
No gingerbread house, even if it’s haunted,
And kryptonite jewelry is super-unwanted

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
If you see Santa, give him this tip
All he has to get me is a brand new starship

I own mass quantities of shrink-ray pistols
Excalibur swords, and dilithium crystals
And don’t even think of Narns-and-Noble-dot-com
I have two dozen copies of the Book of G’quan

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
I want it checked out and certified by engineer Tripp
All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship

Please skip the magic rings, ‘cause that’s a big no-no
Look how it worked out for Bilbo and Frodo!
And get this thought through your prosthetic forehead
I don’t need one more photonic warhead

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
I want one that doesn’t leak, that doesn’t even drip
All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship

Get me off of this little blue sphere
There’s no intelligent life down here
These gifts get more inane and useless every year!

Last year’s Christmas was a big disaster.
I drank the whole pangalactic gargle blaster.
You say you’re my friend, so I’d think that you know
I can’t use an acre of land on Pluto.
That cloaking device was a bit too clever:
I pressed one button, and it vanished forever.
And those house cleaning robots didn’t thrill me;
They polished all the floors, then they tried to kill me.

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
Your planet-crushing Death Star is old and unhip
All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
If you see Santa, give him this tip
All he has to get me is a brand new starship

All I want for Christmas is a brand new starship
A brand new starship, a starship
It better not leak, yeah, it better not drip
I don’t want any problems with my brand new starship