Postcard from Lagos

30 June 2018

I am not
supposed to know about Shaggy. Yet I do. I didn't go out looking for him. Somehow, I stumbled on a video of the song 'It wasn't me' on TV in the early
noughties, and it stuck. This, I must say, is a good reason why you must be
careful about what you watch. I cannot remember how the song/video went, but
the gist of it was that, although he was caught red-handed in an improper
situation, he consistently claimed "it wasn't me."

Many of us are, for all intents and purposes, like Shaggy. We either feign ignorance
at what is happening around us or convince ourselves that we are not
responsible. So, we blissfully ignore injustices and live our own lives without
hindrance. For example, if the educational system is faulty, it's a case of it wasn't me, so
long I can send my children to boarding school in England. After all, it wasn't
me that made it not to work.

What about the poor state of our health care system? Of course, it wasn't
me. And the number of women who lose their lives during childbirth? Am I a
doctor? We would say. Honestly what can I truly do about it?

What about the sexual exploitation of undergraduate students in our
universities, the parlous state of our roads, corruption in the civil service
and the political system? We don't even think about the condition of our prison
inmates or the poverty of our pensioners. So long as we have a way of
immunising ourselves and our family from the deplorable state of our nation,
then all is well.

We sure know all is not well. But the approach we take is 'What could I
possibly do?' However, what we do aplenty is to talk and argue about the issues. But talk,
as our people say, cannot boil yam. The way to change our nation starts from
the conviction that we are all responsible. In fact, the conviction that I am
responsible! Once you feel no responsibility, you feel no obligation to be part
of solving the problem. You then become one of the people that pontificate
blaming politicians, doctors, lawyers, teachers, everyone else but yourself.

Admittedly, the ideal case is for our government to conceive, plan and
execute policies that benefit the public. But we must understand we do not live
in an ideal country. So whilst things may be top down in some countries we must start to implement our own development bottoms-up. We must feel responsible when things
don't work. We must feel responsible when schools in our community fail. We
must feel responsible when our local hospital is bereft of drugs, we must feel
responsible when our local councilors or representatives fail to perform. We
must feel responsible to call people out who are not pulling their weight in
serving the people, whether they are politicians, civil servants, police or
public servants. We can plan these through community organisations like residents’
associations, religious bodies, social clubs. If we don't, we would not be any
different from Shaggy, the singer, who absolved himself of all guilt when
caught red-handed. Arguing that it wasn't us would certainly not absolve us of
guilt from future generations, and definitely not from God whose injunction is
whoever is not involved in building is in cahoots with wasters. In other words,
people who are indifferent are as dangerous as vandals. After all, 'it is
inconceivable that a baby on its mother's back would have a wonky head when
there are responsible adults in the market.' The question is: Are you responsible?

Postscript - Although I wrote this piece in December 2017, I decided to publish it this month given the avoidable tragedies of the past
few days. I refer here to the 86 people killed by herdsmen in Gashishi, Plateau
State last Saturday, the container that crushed two danfo passengers at
Ojuelegba in Lagos on the 19th of June, and of course the inferno at Otedola
bridge two days ago.

We must continue to keep these issues in the public domain. We must petition the different governments until something is done about murderous herdsmen, container-laden trucks and defective fuel tankers.

31 May 2018

He was one of the teachers that every student had to notice in high
school. This wasn't because of any peculiar features of 'fineness' or
stature. He was of medium built, slightly shorter than average height,
and much older than most of the other teachers. He also had two of his
children in the school, Rotimi who was a few years ahead of me and Ronke
who was my classmate.

Although his real name was 'Mr Adeniyi,'
however, he was popularly known as 'Baba Woodwork'. He was the only
woodwork teacher in the school, and every student had to take the
subject in year three, therefore no student could escape his tutelage.
Baba Woodwork had his own little empire, one of three large rectangular
rooms in a secluded building far removed from our usual settings.
Nestling among green shrubs and seasonal maize farm, the building was
divided into three sections - a wood workshop, a metal workshop and the
technical drawing studio. Together, these three were the technology
subjects of that era.

At the wood workshop, 'Baba Woodwork' held
sway with a mixture of steely discipline and plenty wit. He was
unorthodox and it was apparent he enjoyed the topic he taught. We
learned about the 'cross section of a log'. This was a 'sure-banker'
question in every examination. We had been told by our immediate
'seniors' who were told by their own 'seniors,' and we made sure to
inform the class below us of this hot topic. Everyone passed his subject
too. I got a 90 and I am sure most people in my class got
similar scores.

From him, we also learned the different types
of trees. Obeche, Iroko, Mahogany are some of the ones I can remember.
He also taught us how to use saws, shavers, chisels, grips, drills,
braces and plumbs to shape wood and make basic furniture.

Although
I remember those days with great fondness, I was not particularly good
with making things, so I dropped the subject at the earliest opportunity
to do so. Still, no one could ever forget or get away from the clutches
of Baba Woodwork.

Apart from his teaching peculiarities, Baba
Woodwork was a member of the white garment 'Aladura' sect. On the rare
occasions that he conducted morning assembly, he would depart from the
normal Anglican Songs of Praise hymns. Instead, he would go for the fast
tempo Yoruba Aladura songs. A favourite of his that I would never
forget is:

Ore mi kilo se o t'o fi d'aladura

Jesu l'ope mi sibe

B'iwo na ba fe ko mabo

The English translation is:

Why my friend did you join the Aladura sect?

Jesus beckoned me to come

You too can join if interested

He
would lead the chorus and also improvised. We, the pupils heartily
created the accompanying music with loud synchronised
hand-clapping. Those occasions were a huge but enjoyable departures from
the stiffness of singing 'He who would valiant be' which, I must say,
remains one of my favourite hymns.

Baba Woodwork was also the
teacher in charge of commissioning and distributing the school uniform.
His responsibilities included the selection and engagement of the team
of tailors that designed, measured each student and sew the uniform. He
used that office to great effect too. He banned side pockets from our
school shots and trousers. His reason was
that students disrespectfully put their hands in the side pockets whilst
addressing teachers. So we only got a back pocket.

My enduring memory of Baba Woodwork was his
waspish rejection of the moniker 'Baba woodwork'. Given that he is a
Yoruba man, it appeared he chose to believe the literal translation of
the appelation as 'father of woodworks', rather than as a honorific
courtesy to his age and work. So at one point, he began to react to
anyone who referred to him as Baba Woodwork with this withering but
witty refrain:

23 April 2018

It's almost a given that 100 years from today, none of us would be here! This means that everything; Yes, everything, including land, expensive yachts, sky-high buildings, exquisite mansions, holiday homes, exotic cars, jewelry, shares, everything owned by everyone living at the moment would either be gone or owned by other people. So why the fuss? Why behave as if we are going to be here forever? And why the pretence that we actually own anything?

This is neither a call for people to do away with creativity, or cast aside personal ambition, nor is it a call for a pity party to mourn our impending mortality. Rather, it is a call to the admission that life is temporal, so we need must put things into perspective and change our way of life. It's a call not to take life too seriously, and to the understanding that while we may use the things of this world such as wealth and position, we must not be engrossed in them.

The Yorubas from whom I have borrowed the title of this essay are very dismissive of people who behave as if they have the future all buttoned up. Although they may hail you because they had to, the Yorubas are equally scathing of people who cop an attitude, mistreat others and those who are ostentatious with their wealth. Why the 'gragra' they would say? Why adopt a body armour as standard clothing when life is temporal? Why the braggadocio?

Certainly no one wears body armour as their everyday clothing. Not even Roman soldiers this days. The subtext however, is that even if you wear a garment made entirely of iron, it doesn't protect you from the certainty of death. So what is the strutting about? Why put on airs of invincibility. Truth be told, How long do we have on this earth to put down so much roots as if this is the ultimate destination.

Life is temporal. While this should not necessarily scare us; what it should do, is to get us thinking about how we live our lives, how we treat others and the impact of our actions on people. These ideas are certainly worth a consideration. PostcardfromLagos

31 March 2018

How many times a day do you check your phone for messages and notifications?Do you take your phone to bed at night?Is your phone the first thing you check when you get up in the morning?On average, how many hours a day do you spend on your phone?How many social media apps are you actively engaged with?

These are a few questions every smartphone user need to answer with ruthless honesty. Maybe, they might just be able to start extricating themselves from being a stooge of their phones. Is this not unnecessary scaremongering you may ask. Perhaps we should look at some facts.

It is increasingly apparent that many people are trapped by their smartphones. Victims of this phenomenon are active on several social media platforms, sending jokes, uploading selfies, and reacting to other people's posts. It is not impossible that these activities provide some psychological reward to the smartphone users, and that a clear majority of them enjoy chatting and uploading selfies. However, does immediate satiation equate to a good use of time? Is derived gratification a justification for the hostile hijack of our brains, our behaviour and social interactions? I mention social interactions because chatting with people via social media or admiring people's picture on Instagram is not a substitute for face to face interaction, any more than reading Mills & Boon novels equip an individual with the ability to negotiate a successful marriage relationship. In fact, statistics show that young people are losing the ability to relate face to face with other people. Furthermore, an increasing number of them are known to suffer from sleep deprivation, and lack of focus due to their exhausting activities online. In the same vein, bedroom etiquette is out of the window for most people. In the UK, it is believed that 79 per cent of the populace go to bed with their phones. They are almost certainly posting pictures and comments online into the wee hours of the morning. With this statistic, it is apparent that there is truth to the suggestion of a correlation between selfies, narcissism and psychopathy - the dark triad of personality traits.

As terrible as these are, they are just the storm-clouds of a more serious and systemic problem darkening the horizon. I refer here to the power we all have conceded to tech companies to use our data as they wish. The recent case of the British company, Cambridge Analytica has exposed how tech companies use personal data to profile people illegally. The company unlawfully gained access to the data of 50 million Facebook users through a deceitful personality test conducted for 270,000 of their friends. The question is how many more companies did Facebook authorise to have the same access to your data? How are these data currently being used? The answers are scary to think about. Yet many people, daily churn out details of their lives on social media and gullibly consent to their data being used by app makers they know nothing about. The truth is everything you click online, everything you watch, every website you visit collects data about you and that data will be used to profile you for gain or even for harm. No one could have predicted these problems 20 years ago. The only way to be safe therefore is by deliberately being vigilant.

Apart from the vulnerability of personal data, social media also allows people's life to be tracked. People know when you are online and when you are not. If you have the location option on, your phone contacts can see where you are in the world. We are the first generation that lives almost all of its life entirely online, and the responsibility is on each person to be vigilant about their personal safety.

Going back to the issue of smartphone addiction, what concerns me the most is the long-term effect of social media use on the mental health of young people. For example, apps like Instagram and Snapchat present an unrealistic image of life to young people and many of them are losing their sense of self-worth because of heavily edited photos of other people to which they feel they cannot compare. Alongside this is the rising reports of online bullying often with the sinister motive of luring teenagers and even pre-teens to send compromising personal pictures which are then used to blackmail them.

I have found that this phenomenon is not limited to young people alone. Social media has democratised misbehaviour and mild stupidity even amongst people in their forties and fifties. Although we have rules that prohibit such messages on the platform, the most trafficked messages on my old school WhatsApp group, are those with sexual content, and meaningless jokes. This I am sad to say is the pattern in the wider Nigeria context. Far too many recycled jokes, motivational gibberish and irrelevant discussions. It's almost as if WhatsApp was made for Nigeria. Each day, a dozen 'good morning' messages and prayers would flood my phone. On Mondays, it is 'happy new week,’ and at weekends - you guessed right. It is near impossible to read them all, let alone respond. Some perpetrators feel they are doing a lot of good even when they are blatantly a nuisance. All around me, I see people losing control of the use of their time, and it makes me wonder whether they are actually in control of their brains any longer.

I am not suggesting that social media is entirely useless. I have a Facebook account which I use mainly for business, and to publish my articles. Although I have a Twitter account, unlike Donald Trump, I hardly tweet and I don't read Twitter messages. But of all the social media platforms, WhatsApp seems to be the most functional and also the most baneful. While it has facilitated better communication, it has also made it too easy to be in perpetual contact, allowing for an unprecedented degree of vacuous and time-wasting exchanges.

I realised a while ago that I simply couldn't cope with the Tsunami of messages that come my way daily. If I had to respond to the greetings only, I probably would need to employ a full time PA whose remit would include typing 'amen' to the retinue of preachers and prayer peddlers who feel I need a daily nourishment of their business. Although I am not going to completely deactivate my social media apps, I have decided to put stricter controls on usage. Considering that I have never been an avid user of social media, this new regime would further limit my engagement, and it is a clear fightback to taking control.

So here are some of the actions I have taken to limit my engagement with smartphones and social media, particularly WhatsApp. You too may find them useful.

1. Although I read all personal messages sent to me, I have indiscriminately stopped reading most group chats. Instead, I read the plain old, and enduring Bible. See! I am not lost after all. I would also rather read books, journals and articles.

2. I never read daily motivational or spiritual messages from anyone. Neither do I respond to them. So, if you have ever sent me one, don't be deceived. The fact it shows 'read' does not mean I have read the message. Every so often I tap on the most unread messages just to clear them from my sight.

3. I generally do not do social media in the mornings or when I am most productive.

4. To avoid distractions, I switched off notifications on my smartphone years ago. I only find out what's on my phone when I pick it up.

5. I removed the 'last seen' feature as soon as I found out it existed. I don't need to monitor when someone was last online and I can't be monitored either.

6. We also have a no phone policy in the bedroom at night.

7. I have never had Facebook on my phone. I only access it on a computer which means I must go through the motions of logging in. I also do not post my family's photo on Facebook or other social media.

So, What about you? What do you want to do?

If you really want to take back control of your life, I would advise a complete deletion of certain apps from your phones. Also, do you really have to show the whole world you are currently on holiday in Tenerife? And why should your children's photos be available to everyone? The message here is be careful about personal data you publish online. If you think your addiction is serious, perhaps you may need to replace your smartphone with an ordinary phone.

Finally, my hunch is that apart from allowing your life to be monitored even by people you don't know, social media is worse than TV in serving junk and ensuring that people squander their time. The immediacy of apps like WhatsApp also places undue social pressure on people and its long-term health effect could only be anyone's guess. I am in no doubt that many people have yielded control of their lives or have in fact been hacked by their smartphones. For many of us, it is in fact our smartphones that log in to us, and not the other way. Perhaps we may not realise it now; in my view, social media is a clear and present danger to the lives of most millennials. It has effectively taken control of the lives of most young adults. And it is fast becoming an existential threat to people in their middle age. PostcardfromLagos

05 February 2018

Just as some people would easily
take to and appreciate you, one of the certainties of life is that some people
are not just going to like you or like your face. PERIOD. Some may even go
further to put you down. This may happen in relationships, marriage, in the
workplace or anywhere else. For many people, being put down, subjugated or
being unfairly treated can be a very difficult thing to handle. So, here are a
few things to know if you ever have to face any of these scenarios:

Before the spoilers came on the scene, God had already created you. And to Him,
you are precious, beautiful, and of great worth. So, the view of the spoiler is
not only secondary, but irrelevant.

In most cases, those who put others down have ‘issues.’ They either have low self-esteem,
lack interpersonal skills, or they are themselves victims of past and present
put-downs. Some misbehave because they are unable to handle a position of
authority, or unexpected wealth. Therefore don't allow such people to get you down.
Instead, let them own their issues.

When it is necessary, or if the occasion presents itself, confront the abuser
and let them know how you feel about their actions. In many instances, spoilers
are not aware of the effect of their actions on others. When you let them know,
you may well find that they retreat or apologise.

Even if you feel they may be justified, do not allow anyone to get you down.
Know spoilers for who they are. Spoilers! Never allow an external person to
dictate your mood, question your self-worth, or force you into depression.
Remember, you were created by God before the spoilers came.

Finally, avoid being a spoiler
to others. Watch what you say or do. The same way you feel when people put you
down is probably the same way others feel when the abuse comes from you. So,
don't mess around with other people's emotions.

31 December 2017

So, Harvey Weinstein has finally
got his comeuppance for his evil behaviour towards women. With the number of
people who have come out with allegations of rape and sexual harassment, it is
no longer a case of who he molested, but who did he not molest? What is
peculiar about this incident is its domino effect. Women all over the world who
have suffered one form of harassment or another are beginning to come forward.
The UK defence secretary was forced to resign for historic harassment
allegations. Three law makers have had to do the same in the United States. In
the US, UK, and in France, politicians, celebrities, actors and comedians are
quaking in their boots for past misdemeanours. What is clear is that this
singular case has had a Jimmy Saville/Bill Cosby effect - one allegation was
treated with credence and it felt easier for every victim to come forward.

Like many evils in our world, it
has taken decades for this to come out partly because Weinstein was very rich
and powerful. But came out, it did. This may be little consolation to those who
were abused, molested or allegedly raped, some of them no doubt, have been
scarred for ever and may never recover from their ordeal. Hopefully, justice
would be done, and all of them would be able to move on with their lives.

While all this was happening, my
thoughts were nearer home. When is the dam of sexual predatory going to burst
in Nigeria? And will it ever happen? It isn’t just the odd cases of locker room
talk or male flirtatiousness that takes place in Nigeria; but serious
harassment and sexual exploitation of women. We all know of men - politicians,
religious leaders, captains of industry, entertainers, bosses - long associated
in the rumour mill with sexual predatory on women. In the culture of Nigeria,
sexual harassment is pervasive. I hope for a backlash against these miscreants, just like what is
happening in Europe and North America at the moment.

We all know of banks that tacitly
support the exploitation of female staff through the bullish way they are
pressured to sign on rich customers or lose their job/promotion.

We all probably know of someone
who had taken advantage of a woman either recently or in the past. He may not
consider it to be rape, the victim may not even cry foul because she believed
she placed herself in that position. But think again! If a woman was raped in
Nigeria, where would she report the crime?

We know what happens in our
educational institutions. The question is: Are we ever going to declare a
zero-tolerance stance on university and college lecturers who sexually harass,
abuse and exploit female students? This has gone on for ages, and very few, if
any had ever faced justice. We all know it goes on. It is in fact, an accepted
part of college life in Nigeria that a female student would be propositioned by
many, if not most of her lecturers.

What about the bullying and
sexual harassment in offices across the country. It is well known that many
male bosses pester their female subordinates for sex. In most cases, it is not
a mutually agreeable contract. It's purely a show of power – I am your boss, and you must play ball,
otherwise, you would lose your job. Many women in this situation
acquiesce. Even for some that are mentally strong, how many can resist the
bullying, the threats, the cajoling, and the constant pressure? As this is so
rampant, any regular man with a wife, daughter or sister should be riled, and
must be concerned.

For the perpetrators, it is
perhaps simply a numbers game. The more women they harass, the more they
increase their chances of success. The fact that most Nigerians; women
included, are essentially non-confrontational also make sexual predators to
assume that their advances are welcomed. Ironically, these predators have so
many things in their favour. Firstly, sexual harassment is tacitly accepted and
expected. Everyone knows a boss who sleeps with his staff. I must reiterate
that these arrangements are usually not mutual. Secondly, we don't have strong
laws to encourage women to come forward and complain about sexual harassment,
so victims hardly ever do so. Importantly, we have a culture that
essentially trains men not to respect women. Our systems and traditions still
see women of any age or marital status as preys to be had by men. For example,
we have a sitting senator in our national assembly that openly married a
13-year-old girl. The press who should hold these people to account is for all
intents and purposes useless. Many of our media houses implicitly collude with
the high and mighty leaving serious misdemeanours unreported and unchallenged.

Sadly, our fainthearted churches
lack the stomach for the fight against sexual exploitation of women too. While
the church leaders (who are mostly male) may feel they do not directly condone
harassment, however, the deep worry is that the biases against women that
encourages sexual harassment have proven difficult to identify and correct
within individuals. So, there are many cases of religious of leaders who
consider any attempt by women to exert themselves, as rebellion against their
husbands, against the church, and by extension against God. Our women get this,
and do not want to rock the boat. In fact, many of them who are highly
intelligent make every attempt to diminish their talents just so that they can
conform to societal expectations and mores. Because women have sadly been this
socialised not to make a fuss at harassment, they are subjected to a barrage of
profanity, and humiliation that no one should have to deal with.

In other words, social attitude,
mores, lack of legal protection, cultural acceptance that men will be men, have
all seen to it that victims of sexual crimes are effectively silenced, and
perpetrators emboldened. How can we then expect people who have been abused to
come forward if they are going to be attacked by their accusers, ignored by the
press and ridiculed by the public. This evil virus has continued its spread for
too long in Nigeria because even the good people are assailed by doubts about
how much should be done to stamp it out.

But now is the time when everyone
who knew about a sexual predator pastor, boss, neighbour and did nothing need
to ask the question: What type of person am I?

Now is the time for us to
challenge our religious leaders to talk about this issue. Never mind whether
paying tithe is biblical or not, now is the time for the church to be bold and
champion the fight against harassment of women and women subjugation in
general.

Now is the time to confront and
rebuke those who prey on women at work.

Now is the time to petition our
legislators for strong anti-harassment laws

Now is the time to expose bosses
who bully their female subordinates for sex.

Now is the time for lawyers to
come forward, and judges to join them in ensuring speedy prosecution for
perpetrators of sex crimes.

Now is the time to change our
attitude of blaming victims of sexual violence for their own indiscretion. A
crime is a crime, so blame the criminal, not the victim.

Now is the time for justice for
Nigerian women who are raped, bullied and sexually exploited by employers,
aristos, lecturers, money-men and even boyfriends.

Now is the time to look again at
the issue of female domestic maids many of whom face the double whammy of
violence and sexual exploitation. Let’s remember the epidemic of violence
against women in our society disproportionately affects low income women who
are silenced by their economic situations.

This is a moment of great social
change. It may be painful, it may provoke attacks. It may even lead to a deep
rupture in our social culture. But we must brave it. We must encourage victims
to brave it. We must expect attack on credibility. Your past may be up for
scrutiny, but we all must continue to bat on the side of those who are seeking
for justice. If not, injustices and evil will thrive on our watch.

Now is the time to signal that as
a country, we want this model of culture-based backlash against women upended.

Like most Nigerians, I am
hardwired for a kind of stoic pessimism. This goes with the near certainty that
nothing will happen even when it should. But I truly hope my pessimism is dealt
a blow this time. And that the dam will burst. And sexual predators will be
brought to justice. I truly hope so.

As we say, every day is for the
thief, but one day, just one day, the thief will find himself in the net of
justice. I hope the chicken of sexual predators in Nigeria will come home to roost one day. I hope
it will be sooner rather than later. PostcardfromLagosPhotocredit: mightynurse.com

14 November 2017

I found out from a young lady earlier this
year that she lost her husband nine months before. I was truly gobsmacked. I had
met her two weeks before then, and she stood out with her wit, smile and impressive
contributions to the meeting. I was fascinated by her interesting last name.
She told me this was her married name, explaining how her husband's family came
about it. She gave nothing away.

When, by sheer coincidence, we met again two
weeks later, I asked for further details about an exceptionally deep and
curious contribution she made at our previous encounter. It was then she told
me what informed it. Her husband had died nine months before. I was lost for
words. She was still smiling. Yet her face spoke the language of someone who
had packed several experiences into her young life. I did not know what to say.
From that moment, I had a different perception about her, yet throughout that
day and the next, she continued to be her usual self - witty, pulling
legs, assisting me to critique every presentation. Who could imagine what she
was going through raising two children under the age of six alone? It then occurred to me that I actually know a
few people like her. How do they cope? What goes through
their minds? What does society expect of them? What if they decide to re-marry?

Whether male or female, it is never an easy
thing for someone to lose a spouse. I have heard of one or two much older men who after
losing their beloved wives became totally lost. This was because their wives organised everything
about their lives, including the clothes on their back. Even with exceptional
cases like these, what is not in doubt is that it is doubly more difficult when a
woman loses her husband. In many instances in Africa, this means a rapid descent into
poverty or at best, sub-standard living, as men are more likely to be the main
breadwinner. Often, the husband’s family descend like
rampaging vultures to complicate things for a woman soon after the loss of her
husband. The fact that she is vulnerable and sore does not stop the vitriol of 'she does not respect her husband's family
enough', 'she did not pick our calls', 'we saw her eating only a few days after her husband died,' 'she is withholding information from us.' She
may even be accused to her face of killing her husband. Within a few days of her
husband's death just a few years ago, a young widow was asked by her husband's family
if her late husband had any plots of land.

More than anything else, what stands out the
most between men and women who lose a spouse is the real fact that men could
remarry within a reasonable length of time. It is in fact expected of them.
They are advised to do so as soon as it is practicable. The story is not that
easy for women. They tend to grieve for longer, though they may brave it. They have
to suddenly find their mojo in an already crowded field of women, and dwindling
responsible suitors. I suspect they may also feel they are betraying their dead
husbands by dating, so they often hold back. They also have the welfare of
their children, their own welfare, and what people would say to think about.
Would the new man be as good as the previous husband? Plus of course the fact
that men usually marry younger women so nothing changes if they lose a spouse.
They can quickly plump for another woman. For women on the other hand, it is not
that straightforward. For a start, they are disadvantaged because it
is men, not women that still do the chasing in most societies. Even if a woman
succeeds in getting married well after her husband's death, there is that
suspicion hanging over her for life - Did she kill her husband? Was she dating
the new man before her husband died?

So what should a young lady do if she lost
her husband?

Given all the pressure of society, and the real limitations of being a woman:

Could she ever find love again?

Would society allow her to find love again?

Would she allow herself to find love again?

Your guess is as good as mine. One thing is
clear; it is definitely not a level-playing world. PostcardfromLagos

21 September 2017

The best things in life
are not things! They are people. And
people are important! Nurture them, relate well with them. Don't discard
people. You don't leave a group or company, you leave people; you may leave an
organisation or company, don't leave the people. Make the effort to build
relationships. Don't go around life being angry at the world. Think about the
impact of what you say, what you do, and sometimes what you don't do on people. People
are important!

The best things in life
are not things! They are moments.
Moments spent with family, moments with your wife, moments with your husband,
moments with children. Moments with sisters and brothers. Moments with your mum,
moments with dad. Moments you go on holiday to Yankari Game Reserve, to Erin
Ijesha waterfalls, to Jos Wildlife Park, to Snowdonia mountain. Moments you eat and laugh together with loved ones. It is these moments that become time. And time becomes history. Create those moments. Enjoy them. Don't be distracted.
Don't squander them. Take them in. Cherish them. Long for them. Make them
happen!

The best things in life
are not things! The best thing in life
is love. Love is a language. Everyone understands it. Love is constant. It
covers a multitude of sin. Love prefers. Love believes. All things. Love is
patient. Love does not hate another ethnic group. Love does not hate people of
other religion. Love does not mistreat women. Love affirms men. Love protects
children. Love is not conditional. Love is kind. Love endures. Love is
passionate. Love is beautiful. Love is action. Love is difficult, but love can
be learned. Love lasts. Love is a choice. Love is the greatest. God is love.

The best things in life
are not things! The best thing in life
is discovering yourself! Find out what makes you tick. Ask yourself the
question 'Why am I here?' What do I do well? What do I not do well? What makes me laugh?
Why do I do the things I do? The bad and the good. Why do I not do things I ought to do? How do people see me? How do I see myself? What does my spouse think of me? And my children too? A honest, but truthful answer to these questions will start
you on the journey of knowing who you are. This knowledge will help you chart a
better course for your life.

The best things in life
are not things! It is how you use your
time. You already have spent a third of your life sleeping, which by the
way is good and necessary. But think about the other things you do - surfing
the net, social media, watching third-rate movies on African Magic, squandering
it on activities that are not important. Time is ticking. Don't waste it. Think
about what is important and concentrate on them. Family, recreation, planning,
building relationships. These are important. Lavish your time on them. Time is
money, don't spend it on irrelevances. Time is life, so don't waste it. Time is
limited, redeem it by spending your time on what is important.

The best things in life
are not things! It is how you handle
situations. Master your own emotions. Everything is an opportunity. There
is always a third choice other than Yes or No. Look for what works for everyone
even when it appears elusive. Sometimes, 'No' is a good answer. Don't be too afraid
to use it. Don't be naive to withhold it. Say 'No' when it matters. Say 'No'
when it is necessary. Say 'No' to what will compromise you and your family.
Don't join the multitude to do evil. Make your points known without aggression.
Be ready to apologise when in the wrong. Only strong people can do so. Manage
your own emotions.

The best things in life
are not things! It is refusing to
outsource your brain. Read widely. Question things. Don't assume things. Check
for the truth. Be wise. If you know the reason for doing something, you will
probably do it better. Don't follow people blindly. You have a responsibility
for your actions. So think before you do things. Begin with the end in mind.
Everything has a repercussion. Consider the impact of what you do on yourself
and on others. Think about the impact of what you leave undone on yourself and
others. Don't be simple. Be wise.

The best things in life
are not things! The best thing in life is the quest for discovery. What can you
discover today? A new book perhaps? Discover a long lost relationship.
Discover an instrument. Discover story telling. Discover a new language.
Discover your discarded passion. Discover the need for holidays. Discover the
people around you. Discover your 'dis-used,' overlooked spouse. Discover how to
love again. Discover your children. Discover the trees and flowers. Discover
the landscape. Life isn't just about how far you travel, but what you discover.
Discover something new, something good, something beneficial, something
productive. Discover a cause you can fight for. Discover the future.

The best thing in life
is not a thing

The best thing in life
is Jesus
Holy and anointed
Risen and exalted
Friend of sinners
Champion of the weak

Emancipator of those in
bondage
Maker, defender, redeemer, and friend.

The best things in life are not things! It is Jos, and the
people I met there last week.

It is Mailafiya urging us all
to keep hope alive

It is Fortune Alaribe who
says the best is yet to come

It is Dila changing everyone
in the North-East

It is Andesikuteb, the very
busy banker who is patient and gentle

It is Odiba, the man from
Darazo

It is Ekoja advising us not
to settle for less

It is Ande the Governor,
Obasanjo's friend and lover of politics

It is Ibiyemi and her
sonorous, friendly voice.

It is Odagba, the elephant
man who works for the elephant bank

It is the gazelle, Kachollom
Chollom, the owner of everything she surveys.

It is Saint Nicholas, the
farmer and his spirit of togetherness.

It is Prophet Samuel, the
lover of Jesus, Jerusalem and Jos

It is John, my learned friend
whose voyage through the Savannah has been eventful.

It is Peter Ossco, the
kind-hearted, who got me crisp notes.

It is David, the man with the
mandate to make a difference.

It is Mary Magdalene, Mr
Farmer. Or is it Mrs Farmer?

It is soft-spoken and wise
Mariam

It is the beautiful poet,
Comfort who is literally at the marketplace

It is easy-going Bright,
brewed and cooked in the fields of Uwokwu

It is courteous Garuba, the
husband of the golden woman

It is Abolade Aminu and the
party arriving at Yola airport in a few weeks time

04 September 2017

I should not have been
interested in the dance. After all, the slant was that it was un-dignifying of
a senator of the Federal Republic of Nigeria to dance this way.

What
did you expect? He had just won an election that he was not meant to win. His brother had held that seat until his death in April. His
party did not select him because it preferred someone else, so he did what most
Nigerian politicians would do. He defected to another party. Then he won! Then
he celebrated and danced, an Oscar-winning dance for that matter. What do
people do when they are victorious? They celebrate. The reaction was swift. Why on earth should a senator
bring himself this low? One commentator said, "This was a sad day for
Nigeria."

However, what I saw was
different! I saw a very good dancer, an exceptionally good one for that matter.
I suppose I am not meant to comment on the size of his waist and belly, but
these two elements, and the fact that they posed no threat to his dancing
dexterity made his dance the more beautiful to watch.

Apart from the
impressive dance, I also like the music, and the twist and turn of the lead
singer who knew how to pump up the tune to elicit the unending dance crescendos.
I must confess that I am a lover of music, and I can easily separate the talent
from the singer's lifestyle. For example, I like Anita Baker; I also like
Prince and Madonna. I like Ebenezer Obey, IK Dairo; I also like Ligali Mukaiba,
Haruna Ishola, John Legend, Aretha Franklin, Orlando Owoh, ABBA and many
more. I like country, I like R & B, I like Yoruba, and I like English. I
like talent.

Back to the dance, I do
not think other senators in Nigeria are any better than the dancing
senator. What is un-dignifying is Dino Melaye's nonsense inside the
chambers (which by the way, he pronounces as 'shambers'), not Adeleke's dancing
prowess outside the national assembly. What is sad is Ben Murray-Bruce’s posturing.
What is criminal is that Nigerians are the hapless victims of a national
assembly filled with looters, child molesters, wasters, and many others that
should be behind bars.

I have no clue what the
dancing senator would do, and whether he is the right person for the job. I saw
one of his campaign videos where he promised what was clearly beyond his
station. However, his dance was one of the best things that came out of the
depressingly wasteful Nigerian National Assembly recently.

Here it is if you haven't seen the dance. You be the judge! PostcardfromLagos