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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Post Baby Shopping and the Mobile Baby Workout

Atwell shift dress from Gilt.

You know when the worst time to clean out your closet is? When you’re pregnant. With twins. This is followed by a close second to when you’re on maternity leave. I did both of these things. Of course this left me with a random smattering of clothes that were probably kept for no reason other than whatever raging hormone induced logic prevailed that day.

Recently I have managed to fit into two pair of pre-pregnancy pants, making my dreams of being me-shaped again sneak ever closer. Of course, the second I zipped up those mid-rise boot cut jeans that have to be worn with heels because they’re inexplicably long, I celebrated with a little dance and took stock of my closet.

Like most women I have three to four different sizes at all times. Sometimes because of the cut, some for the fat days, some for the skinny days, and some for the really skinny days when you have also jammed your ass into a pair of spanx. For some reason my purge got rid of most of my normal sizes, and kept the truly bizarre (fuzzy sweater with the cape thing I’ve worn once?) and the skinny days with spanx. Of course that prompted me to do what every normal woman who hasn’t had a full night’s sleep in 9 months would do, I started shopping.

The problem with my shopping though, is that it’s no longer a trip to the mall where you can see the bags adding up and suddenly stop because you figure you’ve spent enough money after reviewing your receipts at Starbucks. Nope. I have been doing it one website, one flash sale, and one lunchtime trip down Michigan Avenue at a time.

Husband is going to start asking questions as all those packages start showing up.

I bought a new winter coat from Tradesy (polar vortex be damned), some shoes and underthings from Victoria’s Secret, a new sweater and pair of leopard loafers from Zulily, a shift dress and leopard heels from Gilt, basics from Gap, jackets from Loft, and…the list just keeps going. Time to slow down. Also, maybe buy less leopard.

Getting ready to steal stars from her face.

But really, nothing I have now fits. My shoes are all too small because my feet expanded under my massive pregnancy weight. Thanks to breastfeeding my boobs are huge still, my stomach isn’t quite back to normal, and because I don’t have time to workout, none of it is as tight as I wish, so that pretty much kills all my shirts and half my skirts.

Luckily (big question mark here), having mobile twins is turning into its own workout so having literally zero time to workout (unless I never want to see my girls) is becoming less of an issue. They’re always going in two different directions, unless it’s into the kitchen, at which point one goes to the dog dish while the other tries to open all the cabinets. As soon as I get one pantless on the changing table, the other one goes cruising out of the playroom, squealing and doing that creepy fast baby crawl like she’s in a horror movie, forcing me to run out the room with pantless baby under one arm to retrieve the escaping baby before she falls down the stairs or eats dog kibble, all the while hoping I don’t get peed on.

My stomach may not be totally flat yet, but you wouldn’t believe how my arms are shaping up from carrying a 20 pound baby in each arm. This is known as the "Mobile Baby Workout." I'm not sure how many calories it burns, but it can be exhausting.

Pretty soon my wardrobe will be back in business and I’ll have a whole slew of clothes for work and play that don’t make me feel frumpy and mom-like. Of course right around then it will probably also become summer, and being outside will be good (especially with toddlers) and I’ll lose more weight, rendering all those new clothes useless.

The mailman is going to love me this year.

If you’re looking for new shoes or clothes from my constantly purging closet, check me out on Tradesy.