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Maybe the Complete Collection DVD of their long-running show. Maybe a replica of Bubbles’ spectacles, so her eyes bug out of her head to create a nice comedic effect the next time she goes off the cuff on silly matters.

An autographed bong, perhaps. A double-wide full of rolling papers. A cocktail glass, a litter of kittens, BBQ tongs, chrome rims, a “wife beater” shirt, a carton of smokes, a lifetime supply of beef jerky, a leather-bound list of every deranged scene in the mockumentary that is nothing but deranged scenes.

Or when they’re in town on Thursday to launch their new spirit at the LCBO, maybe Ricky can hot-wire a cruiser and speed down to Queen’s Park with 10 cases of Liquormen’s Ol’ Dirty Canadian Whisky and a card that reads, “Thanks for the free f---ing publicity, Premier. That’s f---ing awesome! Now go get f---ed up on this s---.”

Apologies, but that’s how the boys talk. And if the boys were to push a new line of booze, as they’re doing, that’s the tone you’d expect from the marketing. Indeed, the Liquormen’s website is riddled with language that’s not safe for work, not unless your boss is a drunk sailor or you work in a factory that makes the F-word.

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When the brand arrived in Manitoba stores earlier this year, the news was heralded with, “Now in f---in’ Manitoba.” Whisky aficionados curious about the distilling process are informed, “It’s hand-f---ing crafted.” The fourth link on the website answers the practical question, “Where Do I Find The F---ing Booze?” As for plans of world domination, 2016 is apparently the year, “The Boys begin to look into contracts with liquor corporations across the entire f---ing country.”

One such contract, with the LC-f---ing-BO, went from non-issue to goofy controversy this week after Wynne was caught unawares when asked about Liquormen’s advertising, including obviously satirical “recipes” for the whisky such as The Sunnyvale (ingredients: Liquormen’s, hash, hockey) and Zesty Mordant (ingredients: Liquormen’s, six papers, an entire day to kill).

That Ontario consumers might be urged to start drinking in the morning or smoke big fat joints during the day did not sit well with the premier, which is odd since some of her policies have triggered similar behaviours.

“I didn’t know about this,” she told reporters, including the Star’s Rob Ferguson. “None of that sounds particularly savoury to me . . . and dangerous in a lot of ways.”

She’d be right — if this potential hazard was not a new whisky from the Trailer Park Boys. You know what’s dangerous? Reading your hydro bill while sober. Fretting about daycare spots or university costs. Wait times at the ER. Highway congestion. The state of our public schools, housing prices, the economy, jobs growth, taxes, scandal, corruption — hang on, I need another drink.

Trailer Park Boys is a dark, take-no-prisoners comedy that debuted 15 years ago. Unsavory is the shtick. Rattling sensibilities is the goal. My God, these characters even drink and drive, a fact that fortunately wasn’t shared with Wynne or we’d now be hearing testimony from Mr. Lahey during a public inquiry.

Searching for positive social messages in the marketing of a TPB-branded whisky is like trying to craft an uplifting psalm from a Donald Trump stump speech. Ricky, Julian and Bubbles will never utter the words, “Please enjoy responsibly.”

But by promising to look into the matter — and then setting off a predictable chain reaction in which stodgy politicians and clueless bureaucrats wag self-serving fingers from their fainting couches — the only thing Wynne accomplished was to boost awareness for a product that 95 per cent of Ontarians probably never heard of, which itself seems irresponsible.

You know what else is strange? Why is the association between booze and weed so disturbing when Wynne is the one who wants to sell marijuana at the LCBO? How can she get freaked out by silly gags from a whisky start-up when she’s hoping to create a real-life situation in which my poor mother might be tempted to impulse-buy cannabis while picking up a bottle of L’Ambiance?

At first, I thought this was about the nanny state. But now I’m starting to think the nanny wants to be the pusher. I think Wynne is envious the Trailer Park Boys can market their whisky in the same hardcore way she’d like to push her policies: “Buy an electric f---ing car or start walking, bitches.”

Was this Liquormen’s snafu about public safety or a war over territory?

I have no idea. But this much is clear: if this is what qualifies as a problem, we’ll be needing more cocktail recipes in the months ahead.

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