A.J. totally stalks Michael, which means he has to overhear Starr telling him she wants to have sex. She heads off to get the apartment ready, but Michael's trek to get condoms is halted by A.J. revealing who he is. Alice finds A.J.'s fake passport, sees that it was issued after he was supposed to have died, and figures out that he's alive. Monica confirms this and Alice promises to keep quiet. Luke tries to eavesdrop as Anna starts to tell Felicia who she would choose if she had to choose between Luke and Duke right this second. But she's smarter than he is and sees through his costume. Todd and Carly watch scary movies and talk about A.J. Then Todd gets the attention back on himself and somehow charms Carly into making out with him. Maxie confirms for Spinelli that she's really available, and though he knows he and Ellie are perfect for each other, now he's distracted. Patrick asks Sabrina to come over and watch Emma, though she thinks he wants to take her to the Halloween party. Emma meets Britt and doesn't like her, because Emma is awesome. She also tells Sabrina about the Nurses' Ball, so let's all hope that goes somewhere. Anna meets Britt as well and is shaken at the thought of Patrick moving on. Britt REALLY wants him to move on, inviting him to her place, but he's not ready (and doesn't think Emma is either). A.J. can't resist bugging Tracy.

I just realized that a mother and son are about to get it on with a father and daughter.

FYI, Crane Tolliver was Lila's first husband. And guess who he killed? SUSAN MOORE. Is that spooky or what?

Todd, Carly believing you're innocent doesn't make you a good guy. It makes her naive.

If the rumors about them reviving the Nurses' Ball are true, I'm going to give Emma all the credit.

"The club that lives up to its' name"? Oh, Lulu. Oh, sweetie. No.

Shout-out to the random extra rocking a pink bunny costume at the party. And another shout-out to Kristen Alderson for doing all her scenes with fake fangs.

November 2nd, 2012

Michael's reaction to A.J. not being dead is very different from what A.J. had hoped for. He tries to tell his side of the story, but Michael wants nothing to do with him. A.J. asks him to at least think about what he's said and not tell anyone he's alive. Michael tells Starr, but A.J. preempts any attempts to tell Carly by revealing himself to her on his own. Carly and Todd's shirts come off, but before the pants do, she hesitates. Then Johnny shows up and ruins the mood even further. Carly decides she doesn't want to have revenge sex or sleep with her friend, though Todd gets her to admit that she used to sleep with Jason, also a friend. Carly later admits to herself (and Jason's spirit, or whatever) that her hesitation is really due to her uncertainty over whether she can trust Todd. Connie's hearing went in her favor, and Sonny's pretty ticked, though Alexis thinks she'll be able to turn things around the next day. Starr would rather make sure Michael has condoms than listen to Trey.

The Nurses' Ball IS coming back! So is Lucy! Emma gets a gold star!

So does Chad Duell, because he's awesome.

Why didn't Michael and Starr go to his place?

Holy cow, Connie, keep your pants on.

Scorecard:Birthday: Maxie Jones

Week in review:Funniest moments (intentional): Todd's fake-surprised "get out!" in response to the paternity-test results; Trey telling Starr she can be scary
Funniest moment (unintentional): A.J.'s alive because of Monica's love, you guys
Saddest moment: Sam realizing Jason didn't really come back
Sweetest/cutest moment: "'Bye, corn"
Least believable moment: Connie's hearing took place at, like, 9:00 on Halloween
Most annoying character: Britt, of course
Smartest characters: Emma, for her impeccable judge of character; Alice, for being able to do math
Dumbest character: Connie, who I get the feeling is overplaying her hand
Things we learned this week: 1. Josslyn is weird.
2. You can get really good costumes at the last minute in Port Charles.
3. Connie really will nail anything that moves.

November 3rd, 2012

Next week: Monica has some 'splaining to do.

November 5th, 2012

A.J. scares Carly so much that she knocks herself out. When she wakes up, Sonny's with her and thinks her insistence that she saw A.J. is symptomatic of a head injury. He takes her to the Quartermaine crypt in an effort to prove that A.J.'s dead, and though she agrees that she must have been imagining things, she doesn't seem quite sure. Monica imagines Alan telling her she's done the right things for A.J. and will continue to do the right things. A.J. goes to the crypt and also imagines Alan, who says he's proud and encourages him not to give up on winning Michael over. Finally, Tracy imagines Alan, who makes her feel a little less alone. Michael almost tells Dante about A.J. but decides to keep quiet. Luke decides to go to Turkey to investigate Duke's story. Anna and Duke get a little romantic, but she thinks they're moving too quickly. Johnny and Connie play Who's More Pathetic? Connie wins. Then they call a truce and eat sandwiches. Tracy remembers seeing the Grim Reaper costume when A.J. was a child and briefly wonders if her harasser at the party was him.

Yes, Sonny. The crypt has A.J.'s name on it, so obviously his body must be in there. Just like the grave dug for Daniel Morgan had Daniel Morgan in it.

Also, show, you can bring back any Quartermaine you want as long as Natalia Livingston isn't involved.

Michael and Starr being together for four months and not having sex might be a soap record.

So we're all in agreement that Tracy and Luke should get back together, yes?

November 6th, 2012

Patrick, Emma, and Anna spend Emma's birthday talking about Robin. Anna gives Emma a toy phone, and she pretends she can talk to Robin on it. Dr. Obrecht tells Duke to come back to Switzerland and deal with the increasingly agitated Robin, who seems to have completely recovered from the ECT. Robin knocks her out, grabs her phone, and has her call home answered by Emma. McBain learns that Jerry got Joe out of jail, so Sam starts to suspect that Jerry was the second shooter. McBain thinks it's a third party. Maxie wants her apartment back but is willing to live with Starr or Trey. Neither of them wants to live with her, so now they have to find a new place to live. Ellie, however, would love to have Maxie as a roomie. Sabrina and Elizabeth talk Nurses' Ball. Lulu and Dante fill out an adoption application but get stuck at the part asking about their families. Dante wants to be honest, but Lulu wants to lie.

Oh, noooooo, I can see where this is going. Emma's going to tell Patrick she talked to Robin, and he won't believe her. I need Kleenex, now!

Interesting that Jerry's money is in the same country where Duke stashed Robin...

Sam, if you're going to hang out on the docks (which, let's be honest, is not a likely place for Jason to resurface), please get a babysitter.

I still think Maxie should move in with Sam, but I'm getting used to no one listening to me.

The references to Juan (who I completely forget about between all the incredibly rare references to him) were something of an inside joke: Michael Saucedo, the actor who played him, is married to Rebecca Herbst. Also, I just bet he encouraged his cousin to apply to work in a hospital in a town where he briefly lived ten years ago and where he no longer knows anyone.

You know what makes for a riveting storyline? People filling out forms.

November 7th, 2012

Monica sends Tracy and Edward out of town so they won't run into A.J., who she's still trying to get out of town. Now that he's seen Michael, though, he's more determined than ever to stay. Monica learns that he saw Carly and worries that she'll call the police on him. She should actually be worried about Tracy, who returns unexpectedly. Michael questions Carly on the stories A.J. told him about the early days of their rivalry. Carly confesses her part in it, and now Michael's a little bit Team A.J. He accidentally blurts out that A.J. isn't gone, so now Carly's reconvinced that he's alive. She calls Todd, who's just had a conversation with Starr about a secret Michael's keeping. Robin begs Emma to put Patrick on the phone, but he thinks she's playing a game and takes his time getting there. By the time he picks up, Robin's been recaptured. However, Patrick notes that there was no dial tone, so someone was actually on the line. Maxie and Spinelli both object to Ellie's desire to live with Maxie, but Maxie ultimately changes her mind. Todd invites Starr to live with him, but she says no.

They did that Tracy thing perfectly. She was in one previous scene, hadn't been seen all episode, and would have never been expected to return. Awesome.

I can't believe no one's said the magic words '90s watchers know and love about the A.J./Carly plot: laundry cart.

Robin, next time, call your mom. She'll spy-hack the phone and figure out where you are.

Of all these people playing musical apartments, Ellie's the only one with a job. How are they all paying rent?

November 8th, 2012

Tracy calls Dante on A.J., but Alice puts her in a sleeper hold and knocks her out. (Yes, this really happened.) Carly talks the A.J. situation over with Todd, who of course thinks she's not a bad person for the laundry cart incident. She puts things together and goes to the mansion to confront Monica about A.J. while he and Alice are hiding Tracy in the boathouse. Meanwhile, Todd asks Starr if Michael's secret is that A.J.'s alive. Alexis tries to get Johnny to testify that he's benefiting in some way from his marriage to Connie. He doesn't crack. She also can't get Sonny or Trey's testimonies to convince the judge that they're trying to commit out of anything other than revenge. Connie most likely seals her fate (freedom) by getting Diane to announce that Kate is the alter and Connie's the real deal. A social worker is on her way over, so Lulu has to tell Dante that she falsified their application. He goes along with her lies that Laura's a psychiatrist, Luke was in the Peace Corps, and Sonny invented K-Cups. The social worker lets them stew for a while, then reveals that she researched them herself and knows they've been lying. Michael wants to talk to A.J. again now that he's not sure who's been telling him the truth.

Not that I want to defend Carly, but she did give A.J. a chance. After the truth came out about him being Michael's father, they briefly got married. He just continued to suck. I also must commend Carly for not bringing up the fact that A.J. found out he was Michael's father from Robin. Heaven knows she's gotten enough mileage from that over the past 15 years.

What does Todd care if A.J.'s alive? It's not like there's a chance he'll be getting back together with Carly.

Speaking of defending people I don't really want to defend, Connie's medical records come from a known criminal, so they're not exactly trustworthy. Why doesn't the judge have her reevaluated? And again, what's up with Diane being on the side of evil?

HA! Lulu, you deserved that, you moron. But thanks for the laugh about Luke being in the Peace Corps. Can I be the one to tell him about that?

This may be a random question (not like I never ask those), but is Edward just sitting out in the car, wondering what's taking Tracy so long?

November 9th, 2012

Somehow Robin's call to Emma ruined Duke's plans, so he pretends to be a captive as well. He tells Robin he came to rescue her and was caught but can get them out. Robin catches him in a lie and tests his memory, confirming that he's NOT Duke. But whoever he is, he has a really believable Duke mask and scares the crap out of her. Michael admits to A.J. that he told Starr about his return and kind of, sort of told Carly, too. A.J.'s mostly mad that he didn't have more time to try to get Michael on his side. Meanwhile, Carly tears into Monica, who tries valiantly to stick to her story. Carly calls Monica's bluff and searches the house, and since A.J. doesn't actually know how to keep himself hidden, she finds him. Alexis tries to play off of Diane's claim that Kate is the alter by pointing out to the judge that Connie should then face charges for killing Cole and Hope. Connie and Diane argue that Kate did the killing. The judge is too dumb to ask for a reevaluation, so Connie wins. Lulu's stunt gets her and Dante blacklisted from adoption agencies, as it should. Anna talks to Mac about her feelings for Duke and Luke (okay, still slightly funny).

I have $10 on fake Duke being Faison. Mostly because I can't think of who else it would be.

You suck at stealth, A.J.

Diane, how do you sleep at night? Alexis needs to call her on defending the baby bandit, too.

Yeah, I really don't have any sympathy for Lulu. She was an idiot and now she gets to face the consequences. Go ask Maxie to be a surrogate already.

Scorecard:Birthday: Emma Drake

Week in review:Funniest moment (intentional): Tracy's reaction to seeing A.J.
Funniest moment (unintentional): Carly knocking herself out
Saddest moment: Patrick on the phone with "Robin," trying to hold it together for Emma
Sweetest/cutest moment: Robin realizing she'd really reached Emma
Least believable moment: No one has ever told Michael the Carly/A.J. saga
Most annoying character: Lulu
Smartest characters: Connie, for her "ace in the hole"; fake Duke, whose "rescue" plan probably would have worked if he hadn't also been one of the...
Dumbest characters: Fake Duke, who fell for a classic trap; Lulu, obviously
Unanswered question of the week: Who is the fake Duke?
Things we learned this week: 1. Connie likes peanut butter and tomato sandwiches.
2. Sabrina's last name is Santiago, and she's Juan's cousin.
3. Anna is eligible to vote in the U.S.
4. Monica is a good liar.

November 10th, 2012

Next week: There aren't enough men from Anna's past on the show. Let's bring in one more.

November 12th, 2012

The fake Duke is really Cesar Faison, so Robin has every reason to be scared. He brags that he got finally got Anna to fall in love with him, but Robin almost ruined things with her phone call. She begs him to continue with his "rescue" plan, promising to get Anna to forgive him if he takes her home. When he tells her he doesn't trust her, she warns that Anna will eventually see through him. Then there's another twist: The real Duke is also alive, and also being held in the Swiss clinic. Despite Michael's pleas, Carly summons Dante to arrest A.J. Monica urges her son to run away, but A.J. wants to stay if it means he'll get to see Michael. Now Michael's furious with his mother and creeping ever farther toward the dark side. Anna gives Sam some information into the shooting investigation, including the fact that there's no match for the hair found on Faison's scarf scrap. She also cautions Sam not to go on any wild-goose chases, since the one Heather sent her on didn't pan out. Sam points out that if Duke's alive, Jason could be, too. Sabrina tells Patrick she wants to revive the Nurses' Ball, and he realizes it could be a good way for him and Emma to get closure. Just when it looks like he's about to see how awesome Sabrina is, Britt (fresh off a sex-centric conversation with Elizabeth and being thrown up on by a child) interrupts and issues another sex invite. Dante and Lulu consider surrogacy.

Someone owes me $10.

This Duke/not Duke twist makes the whole plot click into place. It made no sense for Duke to fake Robin's death, but it's perfectly in character for Faison. And now they can keep Ian Buchanan around without him having to be a villain. Plus, now Duke isn't boring. This also adds another layer to the "Duke"/Luke rivalry: Faison, remember, helped Helena fake Lucky's death. So when Luke finds out who "Duke" really is, Faison's in a LOT of trouble.

Carly finally complies with the law and all she gets is yelled at.

Patrick would never suggest it, but Sabrina could totally get Sonny to finance the whole Nurses' Ball.

I think I speak for the entire audience when I say: God bless you, Libby.

November 13th, 2012

Dante arrests A.J., who can't believe Sonny has another son who's a cop. You'd think Dante would be Team A.J. because of his hatred of Sonny, but you'd be wrong. Anna realizes that Dante's involvement in the case is a bad idea and makes him leave. Tracy escapes from the boathouse and attacks Alice with an oar, but Alice manages to parry with a fireplace poker. Monica rescues household accessories from Tracy's wrath but can't keep her from calling the police to arrest her and Alice. Carly yells at Monica some more, then tells Sonny that A.J.'s alive. A.J. is about to be very glad that there are bars keeping Sonny from strangling him. Faison threatens to hurt Duke for feeding him false information, but ultimately would rather just bask in the glory of knowing that Anna's falling for his ruse. Connie gets Johnny to help her blackmail Todd into giving her Crimson back. He won't give up his office, so she forces him to share. Johnny still won't tell Lulu what Connie has on him. Lulu must want to bore everyone ever because she tells Johnny about her adoption issues. Starr's fear that Todd told Carly about A.J. is really misplaced. Milo finally tells Sonny about the shenanigans at the bachelorette party.

I like that now the characters themselves are commenting on how many people are coming back from the dead. At least they realize how ridiculous it is.

Are you joking, Michael? You really think Alexis might defend A.J. even temporarily? HE KIDNAPPED HER DAUGHTER. And obviously Diane's going to step up here. She's already established that she no longer has any ethical qualms with pretty much anything.

I'm usually pretty good with accents, but I can only understand about half of what Faison says.

Todd, dear, pick your battles.

November 14th, 2012

A.J. and Sonny have exactly the conversation you would expect them to have until Michael interrupts to continue to take A.J.'s side. He makes the mistake of mentioning his shooting, so now A.J. has even more ammo (so to speak) against Sonny and Carly. Monica hires Diane, who gets Tracy to drop the assault charges so Monica won't kick her out of the house. Maxie immediately realizes that living with her ex's new girlfriend is a bad idea. Dante and Lulu encourage her to tell Spinelli how she feels, so she calls him, but he's a little busy getting it on with Ellie. Also gun-shy: Patrick, whose wedding ring prevents him from doing anything with Britt. Elizabeth and Sabrina almost get Tracy to underwrite the Nurses' Ball, but Sabrina screws it up by telling her that Monica will also be involved. Then Sabrina learns that Patrick and Britt are spending the night at the hotel and tries to numb the pain with alcohol. Lulu's still unsure about surrogacy.

"You shot your father" is going to be my version of "panic room" for A.J. – a little reminder that no matter what he says about Sonny, he's still a horrible person.

Also, drink every time he says "meat hook."

SoapNet's showing old Thanksgiving episodes next Thursday, which a) is awesome, and b) makes me realize how awkward Thanksgiving will be for the Quartermaines this year.

So Lulu would feel like less of a mother to her own biological child than she would to an adopted child? WHY IS THIS PLOT SO BORING? Unless...Lucy's coming back for the Nurses' Ball, so maybe Lulu and Dante can talk to her about the ins and outs of surrogacy?

November 15th, 2012

Luke gets arrested in Turkey and sends Robert to Port Charles to tell Anna that Duke's story checks out. Robert, however, is Team Luke and thinks Anna wants Duke to be back so badly that she's overlooking the possibility that she's dealing with an impostor. Olivia literally sees through Faison's disguise, but unfortunately, she doesn't know who Faison is. Maxie regrets her decisions some more, then finally blurts out that she wants Spinelli back. Sonny and Olivia offer Dante and Lulu money for a surrogate. Olivia doesn't actually have the money, so Lulu doesn't take her seriously, but Dante tentatively accepts Sonny's offer. Sabrina hears Patrick and Britt talking about their non-coitus the previous night, so now she's happy again – so happy that she's not paying attention while talking to Elizabeth about her crush on a doctor, and Patrick overhears. Steven pretends he didn't know A.J. was alive.

I guess Robert isn't mad at Luke for the Ethan thing if he's doing him favors.

The only way I would be able to muster up any interest in this surrogacy story is if Sonny gave ME $60,000.

November 16th, 2012

Lulu tells Robert that Olivia had a vision of Duke with someone else's face, and he thinks it might carry some weight. They enlist Elizabeth to sketch the man she saw, resulting in a drawing of Faison. Meanwhile, Anna and Faison have a date and continue to be boring. A.J. gets out on bail and is confined to house arrest at the mansion. Tracy learns that Monica put the house up as collateral and quickly schemes to get A.J. out. She finds out that Michael's at the penthouse and tells A.J. he's there and has been in an accident. A.J. cuts off his tracking device and heads over, immediately realizing that Tracy tricked him. Maxie asks Spinelli who he wants to be with. Sam wants to support Michael but she has no sympathy for A.J. Sabrina tells Patrick that her crush is on Steven.

I'm pretty sure Elizabeth did a police-type sketch for someone years ago, so that's some masterful continuity. It also brings in her connection to Faison in a believable way.

Slow clap, Tracy.

Maxie...don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

So has Sam not told any of the Quartermaines that Danny is Jason's? Not cool.

Scorecard:Arrested: Alice Gunderson, A.J. Quartermaine, Monica Quartermaine, Luke Spencer
Back from the dead: Cesar Faison
Back in town: Robert Scorpio

Week in review:Funniest moment (intentional): Tracy and Alice battling with an oar and a poker, with Monica jumping in to rescue a vase
Funniest moment (unintentional): Faison's hair
Saddest moment: All the talk of Edward's failing health, knowing we're not going to see him again
Sweetest/cutest moment: Michael with Danny
Least believable moment: I can't decide between A.J. making bail and Monica not being able to afford it
Most annoying character: Faison
Smartest characters: Tracy, for tricking A.J. into leaving the house; Steven, for enlisting Elizabeth to sketch Olivia's vision
Dumbest character: Faison, for taking the word of a man who has no reason to help him
Previously unanswered question now answered: The fake Duke is really Faison.
Things we learned this week: 1. Turkish prisons allow you to make phone calls.
2. Sam doesn't read the newspaper.
3. Elizabeth's artistic talent has really improved.

November 17th, 2012

Next week: Kleenex stock goes up.

November 19th, 2012

Robert figures out that "Duke" may really be Faison, but Olivia and Elizabeth think he would be jumping the gun if he told Anna. He decides to keep quiet until he gets more evidence. Fortunately, Anna is also suspicious, feeling like "Duke" is different than he used to be. Sam reluctantly agrees to let A.J. stay with her while Michael does damage control, and she's not immune to all his talk of family and trying to make things right. Michael heads back to the mansion to stall Dante, reminding him that he perjured himself for his own father. It doesn't work, so A.J.'s rearrested. Tracy reveals that she mostly wants A.J. in jail so Monica will lose the house. Then Tracy can buy it and evict her. Maxie thinks she and Spinelli are meant to be together, but he tells her that although he does care for her, he wants to be with Ellie. Lulu seems willing to take Sonny's money.

Has there ever been a worse reason not to tell someone she might be involved with a psychotic killer? Eh, at least it gives Robert something to do.

I'm sorry, I just don't think Sam would help a guy who faked a child's death.

If it's any consolation, Maxie, Spinelli's breaking my heart, too.

Sometimes Dante cracks me up. "I still don't really like my father, but at least I'll get a kid out of this!"

November 20th, 2012

The Quartermaines gather to say goodbye to Edward, whose health has declined so much that he's unresponsive. Well, at least until he meets Danny for the first time. Tracy, Michael, Monica, and Sam all get to say goodbye, but A.J. doesn't get there until after Edward has spoken his last word – "Lila" – and passed away. Sonny wants to get Connie alone and try to get through to Kate. Since he doesn't have Jason around to grab her, he convinces Shawn to do it. Carly complains to Todd about A.J., who he doesn't want her to kill since he'd miss her if she went to prison. Connie eavesdrops, then ruffles Carly's feathers by talking about taking Johnny to bed. Sonny asks Alexis to find a legal way to keep A.J. away from Michael, but she can't help him. Sam can't quite get the support from McBain she got before, so she accuses him of trying to use her and Danny as substitutes for his own family. He decides she's right and checks in with Alexis on the status of his custody case. She tells him to get a job so he can show he can support Liam. Robert apologizes to Patrick for skipping out on Robin's funeral.

Fortunately, there was some levity in the form of the way Shawn looked at Connie when she got in the elevator. And "the bird is in the cage" got a laugh out of me. Thank God Shawn's getting something to do, too. I was just thinking that he needs to renegotiate his contract since he's getting less screentime than a five-month-old.

Hmmm, I wonder who McBain knows in Port Charles who could give him a job as a police officer? I can't think of anyone...

November 21st, 2012

Ned, Skye, and Lila Rae come home for Thanksgiving/Edward's funeral, and only Skye is happy to see A.J. He and Ned bicker as usual, leading to a Ned/Tracy vs. A.J./Monica fight. Michael ends it, asking everyone to be civil for Edward's sake. Meanwhile, Heather dresses up as a nurse, breaks out of Ferncliff, has a BLT at Kelly's (where Olivia has a vision of her but doesn't see the real person), and sneaks into the Quartermaine mansion to read Edward's will. Skye catches her and Heather tries to escape with her at knifepoint. Fortunately, Alice saves the day with help from a baseball bat. Heather is taken back to Ferncliff, ranting that she knows something the Qs don't, while the Quartermaines learn that her tantrum destroyed their perfect Thanksgiving dinner. Once again they eat pizza, but first they have to sing, as Edward and Lila's spirits look on. Michael is still torn between his two fathers. Shawn lets Sonny know that his kidnapping of Connie was successful, but she doesn't merit a visit. Steven admits to Olivia that he knew A.J. was alive.

Could have used more flashbacks. And much less Heather.

Yeah, I bet Tracy's going to be the "glue" that holds the family together now. Obviously it's going to be Michael. And as annoying as his little "let's be nice to each other for Edward" speech was, it could have been worse – it could have been delivered by Emily. (Who, by the way, wasn't mentioned once in this episode. Ha!)

Guess what? Skye was once on One Life to Live, and she knows Todd. Happy fun times!

Man, Ferncliff security SUCKS.

So Sonny had Shawn take Connie somewhere, and then...didn't go see her? Wow. Happy Thanksgiving, Connie.

Week in review:Funniest moments (intentional): A.J.'s reaction to Alice hitting Heather with a bat and his "so that just happened" after Heather was carted off
Funniest moments (unintentional): Michael putting on a shirt with a star on it while talking to Starr; someone called to tell Skye that Edward and Jason were dead, but didn't happen to mention that A.J. was alive
Saddest moment: Yeah, like I can pick just one
Sweetest/cutest moments: Edward and Danny; Patrick hugging Robert
Least believable moment: Edward didn't meet Danny until he was literally on his deathbed
Most annoying character: Ned. Don't get me wrong, I adore Ned, but seriously, this is not the time to take potshots at A.J. Also, I can't believe I just defended A.J.
Smartest character: Robert, who hasn't even seen "Duke" and is already on to him
Dumbest character: Heather, because I don't care how crazy she is – she should be better at being stealthy
Unanswered questions of the week: 1. Who ordered the pizzas for the Quartermaines? (Also, why so many? That stack was taller than Lila Rae.)
2. What's the something Heather knows that the Quartermaines don't?
Things we learned this week: 1. Edward's birthday was September 2nd.
2. Monica is totally okay with her husband's non-daughter's daughter calling her Grandma.
3. I will never be able to stop myself from calling Ned "Nedly."

November 24th, 2012

Next week: All the cool people want to go to Llanview.

November 26th, 2012

Edward's will distributes ELQ shares among his grandchildren, great-grandchildren, Monica, and Alice, leaving Tracy with a jar of relish. Spinelli discusses the Maxie/Ellie dilemma with Sam, thinking there's no choice left to be made in the matter since he's with Ellie. Lulu needs a surrogate and Maxie needs a project, but it takes them an hour to realize they could help each other. Sam may be starting to lose hope that Jason's alive. Molly wrote a novel, and Starr thinks Todd might agree to publish it. Trey is basically homeless, living in the basement of Queen of Angels and working there as a custodian. Kristina wants to help him out, telling him she's been thinking about forgiveness (forgiveness, even if, even if he don't love her anymore). A.J. vows to be a better person.

Did they ever sort out Alan's will? Because Danny doesn't need anything from Edward – Alan left everything to Jason's children, and Danny's the only one.

Maxie is at the Haunted Star and we still haven't had a Maxie/Johnny scene. UNACCEPTABLE.

Molly, if you let Todd publish your book, Sam will kill you.

I'm glad that someone finally acknowledged that all these characters don't have jobs and therefore don't have money.

November 27th, 2012

Tracy and Ned suspect that A.J.'s going to try to overthrow Tracy as CEO of ELQ, which is exactly what he and Skye are plotting. Neither side can build an alliance with enough shares to take control, but there's one person with 18 shares who could be persuaded either way: Sam. Also, Tracy's relish may or may not be important. Skye thinks the Tracy/Soleito money debacle might be useful, but she doesn't know what Anthony did with the information, so she tries to seduce Johnny to get it. Unfortunately for her, Johnny's too smart to fall for it. Robert asks Mac to get Faison's file from the PCPD, and it confirms that Faison's body was never found. Johnny questions "Duke"'s intentions for working at the Haunted Star, and Anna questions his cigarillo habit. Lulu thinks Maxie only wants to be a surrogate as a distraction, and she won't agree to it. Starr and Blair discuss Blair's upcoming wedding to Tomas, but Blair ends up revisiting happy memories about Todd.

Sam gets to play with the Quartermaines! This should be fun.

The editing recently has been really weird, and I can't figure out what's supposed to be significant. The relish? The pistachio shells from the nuts Maxie and Lulu ate yesterday? The cup Starr threw away outside Kelly's today? I feel like I'm watching Lost or something.

I'd completely forgotten that Skye had something to do with the Anthony/Soleito/Tracy stuff. I'd also forgotten that she tied Johnny to a bed, and you'd think I would remember something like that.

Everyone who thinks she knows everything about the guy she's about to marry, take a step forward. Not so fast (possibly), Blair.

November 28th, 2012

Carly and Skye have a vicious run-in that has to be broken up by Milo and Shawn. It's immediately forgotten when they see Blair and Tomas' wedding announcement and realize that Tomas bears a striking resemblance to one Lorenzo Alcazar. Todd finds out about Blair's wedding and takes out his anger on Starr. She tries to distract him with Molly's book, getting him to agree to read it by pointing out that Molly is Sam's sister. Sonny wants to know why, if Connie's not an alter but still the person who fell in love with him as a teenager, she's now determined to stay away from him. She admits that she blames him for her rape. He promises to protect her and is about to have a breakthrough when Michael finds them. A.J. mentions his ELQ takeover plan to Michael, who's hesitant to agree to help. A.J. tries to turn him against Sonny by saying Sonny will try to turn Michael against him. Ellie finds Maxie and Spinelli's non-wedding picture and accuses them of being married and not telling her. They explain everything to her, conveniently leaving out the part where Maxie cheated with Franco. Lulu and Dante have trouble finding a surrogate, so now Lulu wants to accept Maxie's offer.

Finally, we're getting to the plot I've wanted them to do for months! (P.S. If Tomas is really Alcazar, he's going to have to explain this little bit of info about him being in the CIA.)

I love how A.J. has Danny's name written separate from Sam's as a possibility to join his side. Does he think he'll be able to get Danny alone and convince him to side with him? Danny's still trying to figure out where his first mommy went.

Maxie's "Opus the Penguin is such a card!" line made me think of Emma Stone in Easy A. (Probably because of "oh, that Roman! Incorrigible!")

The ONLY way I'll be able to get through a surrogacy storyline is if Maxie's involved. I'm already sick of it.

November 29th, 2012

Skye and Carly are immediately convinced that Lorenzo and Tomas are the same person. Todd's ecstatic because he finally has proof that Tomas is a big, fat liar and Blair shouldn't be with him. The three of them rush to Llanview, where Tea and Blair are totally jinxing the wedding anyway and Tomas seems to have vanished. Michael freaks out about Sonny kidnapping Connie and makes him release her. Connie threatens to call the police, but Sonny convinces her that there isn't enough evidence to pin anything on him. Michael continues to have a hissy, because Sonny's doing exactly what A.J. said he always does. Maxie, Lulu, and Dante are doing the baby thing. Ellie thinks Spinelli's still in love with Maxie, but he assures her that when Maxie asked him to choose between the two of them, he chose Ellie. Ellie's happy again but realizes she needs to move out. Molly wants to keep her book a secret from everyone except T.J., but Connie finds it.

So here's a reasonable question: If Lorenzo and Tomas are the same person, what's his real name? Is Lorenzo pretending to be Tomas, or vice versa? I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter, but if Lorenzo's the real person and he was pretending to be Tomas, it makes Tea look a little dumb for falling for it. And then there's Luis – if Lorenzo and Tomas are the same person, how did Tea not know he had a twin? This whole thing is kind of hanging together by a thread. And I don't think Ted King is going to make an appearance, which was the main reason to look forward to this plot in the first place.

Hey, writers, we don't know these One Life to Live characters people keep mentioning (Max...Holden? Is that right?). Help us out here.

Michael, your father's a mobster. Stop being so surprised that he keeps committing crimes.

Why would you have sex with your boyfriend in the living room when your roommate could come home at any minute?

November 30th, 2012

Blair and Tea think Skye, Todd, and Carly are crazy, but Blair humors them by summoning Tomas to the house. Skye interrupts their phone call to ask if Tomas is Lorenzo, so if he doesn't show up, that's why. Robert bugs Faison for a while, then meets with someone who's done business with him in the past: Helena. Maxie freaks Mac out by telling him and Anna that she's going to have a baby. Mac isn't any less panicked when he learns the baby won't be staying with her. Alexis hears Shawn and Sonny discussing the kidnapping, and Shawn comes clean about his role in it, adding that he may be doing more business with Sonny in the future. Alexis admits that she'll worry about him because she has feelings for him. The two of them share said feelings up in Shawn's bedroom. Dante and Lulu tell Sonny and Olivia about their surrogacy plans, and both are skeptical about their choice in surrogates. Olivia's shaken by a vision of the couple with a stuffed animal instead of a baby. Later, she mistakes Steven for Patrick. During a meeting about the Nurses' Ball, Britt outs Sabrina's "crush" on Steven, so Elizabeth moves to shut her down.

Way to ruin the who's-at-Tea's-door cliffhanger, people who put together the previews.

On the flip side, way to give us an even better cliffhanger in Robert's secret helper.

Is it just me or was Mac MORE supportive when he thought Maxie was pregnant?

So...Lulu and Dante are getting a dog? And Olivia's going to wind up with Patrick? What?

Keep this up, Elizabeth, and I might hate you a tiny bit less. Probably not, but maybe.

Week in review:Funniest moments (intentional): "Oh, that Opus the Penguin is such a card!"; "You're here about a remote island prison?"; Mac, Sonny, and Olivia's reactions to hearing that Maxie would be the surrogate
Funniest moment (unintentional): Ellie never calls Matt by name, just "the wrench-murderer"
Saddest moment: Tracy bummed me out in general
Sweetest/cutest moment: T.J. being so happy about Molly's book
Least believable moment: Todd didn't know Molly and Sam were sisters
Most annoying character: Britt, who is, on her best day, still 11 years old
Smartest character: Elizabeth, for realizing that Britt is evil and working to try to contain said evilness
Dumbest character: Skye, for grabbing the phone from Blair and scaring Lorenzo (if it's him) off
Unanswered question of the week: What did Olivia's vision of Lulu with a stuffed animal mean?
Things we learned this week: 1. There's a reason we always see Danny with a pacifier (that kid is chatty).
2. Alan legally adopted Skye.
3. Starr majored in biology (unless she was lying).
4. Molly believes Todd's story about the baby swap.