I am on a journey to creating a lasting relationship with God while finding a way to live a life of worth. I am learning, slowly. I am fighting for recovery from anorexia and bulimia. I'm in recovery from self-harming, alcoholism, and drug addiction. These things may be in my past but that is NOT me, anymore. This is learning about healing and forgiveness. This is my journey and struggle from the tight grips of a deadly eating disorder and addiction. These are my steps to full recovery, freedom and salvation. I'm trying to find my way by creating my own voice and walking with God.

Tag Archives: relapse

I know this blog has been lacking with posts and updates or anything else from my jar’s collection of loose screws. However, I’m back. I stayed inpatient for 30 days and then continued on to another three weeks of full day program. There was a lot of growth, recovery, pain, setbacks, and support. I don’t want to get into too much detail right now about where I am at with ED. But I promise I will. I will share chapters of my life from the last six months.

So next week, I go back for another round of treatment. Eating disorders suck, and it’s been two years exactly since my last venture out to Remuda Ranch. Now; I go somewhere else. So many emotions and feelings, and so much struggle, I just gotta hold out until Monday morning so I get my call re-confirming my admission Tuesday morning. So overwhelmed.

One of the biggest trends I have noticed recently is the people in AA who do not follow the program fully, and go back out from alcohol or drugs. Sometimes, I’ve been surprised — at other times, I’ve been waiting for it to happen.

In a non-judgmental away there is truth and a lesson in their decisions. While it sucks to see people you love go back out, there is that immediate reaction of “Oh, SHIT!” but then it sinks in that ‘oh, that could have been me.’

By watching these unfortunate individuals, including my young sponsee, and I see them go in and out. Something that I had learned — I got sick of the ins and outs. I hope that my little one can learn from this. I truly pray for her. And anyone reading this, please take a second to pray for her. Regarding the lesson — these individuals, as much as it sucks, go out of the rooms and pick up again so that we don’t have to.

Nothing in AA says that relapse is mandatory and nothing in AA says that you have to drink again and again to be able to come back. I know that feeling of impending doom that strikes the minute that taste kicks in, the truth that there may not be coming back from a relapse.

It’s been disappointing — the lack of motivation I have. I know that this journey is far from easy and the truth is, in ways I am getting better. I have not purged in more than six months. That is a miracle and a gift from God. However, I just refuse to let go of the control I have with my eating. I cannot even think about what would happen if I fully just ate all day; normally; and not being my size — it’s just not manageable.

However, I am not even sure where I am with everything else. I am 14 months sober and that is wonderful. However I feel as though I am not known. In a way, I feel like I am erasing my existence. I do not have therapy this week, and my doctor appointment fell through this morning. Honestly, I am not complaining. I don’t feel like getting weighed. I don’t feel like talking about how to fix my eating behaviors so I gain more weight. Fuck you, weight.

My body feels out of place. I feel like I don’t have the words anymore to express everything. Sure, my therapist tells me to keep talking, don’t sit in the silence, it’ll only make it worse. But talking about it doesn’t make it better.

She says I have PTSD. I used to believe that. But part of me now doesn’t. She says by definition it was sexual assault. But today, I feel disgusted, guilty, and ugly. It should be over by now. It constantly replays in my head and I constantly feel his hands on my body, his mouth on my flesh. It makes me sick. But really, it all sickens me. It was not a violent incident, so it’s hard to believe her. I haven’t reached out to my therapist in four days now, which is unusual being that I usually reach out daily, throughout the day.

I can’t wrap my head around why it hurts so much – why it hurts so much to let her help me. Why does she even want to help me? She said every girl is worth it — and that is so true — but why am I worth it to her? So much time and dedication and love has poured out from her hands and heart. And I’m turning cold recently. I know I need her help, i do. I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for her. I just feel like recently, she doesn’t know me. I don’t know me. I don’t even think I am a person.

My urges to cut have been awful. All I want to do is cut my body. I haven’t yet… but the urge doesn’t die down. My spirit is just crumbling.

Continuing on with my attempt to withdraw and abstain from laxatives, I am on my second day. I’m fighting a pretty bad cold and my appetite is extremely low due to that, so I have to find ways to get in calories, and usually once a couple days pass, I then start wanting laxatives again.

Like I’ve said a lot recently — I have never had a laxative addiction until recently. It’s a really hard habit to break, and I am trying to stop the cycle. My therapist had me do a pro and con list of laxative use. Here is what I came up with, to the best of my ability right now:

Short term cons:1. I always end up needing more.2. Gets in the way of work and daily life having to run to the bathroom frequently or at inconvenient times.3. False sense of security.4. I still don’t eat as much as I should.5. I feel sick if I don’t use them/cramping if I don’t use them, bloating if I don’t use them.

Long term cons:1. I will have to initially keep adding more and more because my body will adjust and stop working right.2. Dehydration, heart palpitations (recently experienced this)3. Eating disorder gets stronger and I risk returning to purging behavior.4. I now have another addiction to fight.5. If I don’t get control and quit, I will never be able to rely or trust my body.6. Long term use will damage irreversible internally. Will end up needing them for the rest of my life.7. Could aid in a full relapse.8. Avoiding emotions and painful items then causes avoidance and empowers denial — never fully facing things, nor fighting anorexia, and I won’t get better.9. Decrease in health.10. Withdraw, detox is painful emotionally, mentally and physically.11. If I keep using them, I keep staying in the problem, not the solution.12. The longer I use them, the deeper the addiction, and the harder to come off of them in the future.

Now I guess the best thing I can do is work on it. And make it through one day. Someone told me in AA, choose, one day at a time, “Today I will choose life, not laxatives.”

Also, in an effort to be proactive in relapse prevention, I was told to list a bunch of acceptance statements, and here is what I have.

Acceptance Statements:

1. I have anorexia but I am taking steps to work on it and prevent a spiral or relapse.2. Although I have anorexia, I am no longer purging. This is improvement.3. I am getting better, but I am not better yet.4. Using laxatives will only intensify my anorexia, causing vulnerability factors5. When I think I need the laxatives, I don’t need them. I need support instead.6. Right now I am struggling, but I am not where I was.7. Using laxatives is a problem because I have a laxative addiction. It is NOT okay to use them.8. If my weight is dropping, and my fat image is increasing, something is not accurate.9. I do not see what other people see.10. I need to learn to trust other people’s perception and honesty regarding my weight and self-image because they see things accurately. 11. Even if it is hard, I need to trust my team that I am underweight, and eating food will not make me fat. If I need help challenging ED statements like this, I need to tell someone so they can speak the truth.

So I guess currently, my biggest struggle is continuing to stay off laxatives and work on acceptance. it’s hard to see it in print, that I am still battling my anorexia, and in fact, my body image has gotten confusing lately. I am not sure if my lists will help anyone else struggling, so I posted them. That’s about where I am at right now after my doctor appointment this morning.

I had a really good session today, I think. I feel more hopeful in being able to continue working with my team and I am praying on it, that something will work out — time, location, everything.

Although the session was difficult, I felt pushed in all the right areas. Honestly, I don’t think anyone knows where to push and knock out better than my therapist. There were times, while discussing some scary things, that I would clam up, unable to get it all out in between tears. But she always knew when to say “don’t do that” or “keep going.” I felt like she was with me in it, as opposed to me just ranting and crying about things. I left feeling a little better than I had all week.

I think a lot of that had to do with some necessary reaffirming — I need that a lot at times when going through other stresses that trigger others. But I’m glad I went. I think I am struggling with a “denial” if that about my laxative use being a different form of my eating disorder that could lead to a relapse. I would be devastated and heartbroken if I did that and went through everything I did this summer to come to a different form of my disorder.

I guess the only good thing I can take from today and everything else that is going on is that I feel better about my relationships and that no one is giving up.

I brought in my laxatives, again, to my therapist today. Back down to not having any. I had been using them the past four days. It felt like a need, again. I had so much emotion and it seems that my anorexia is developing different outlets of behavior.

I’m trying though, but maybe I am not trying enough? I’m not sure. It’s always one of those situations where I don’t see the transition, spec by spec, to starting to struggle. How do I fix that? It’s as if I always blink and I am back to struggle.

The only thing that reminds me that I am getting better is that I am not purging anymore, which is amazing. But I am hoping that it doesn’t mean that my laxative abuse and eating less does not turn into a dangerous starvation slip. I can’t afford that. But I just looked over to a mini snack bag of chips and couldn’t even think about letting myself open it. Why? What the fuck is going on here with my eating? I know that I need to lay out a strict meal plan, to maintain weight because I am starting to worry that I am losing weight and I cannot afford that either. I don’t want that for two reasons — I’ll become addicted and spiral down with weight loss and two, I will get worse and farther away from strong eating habits.

So, I’m being honest and ask for prayer because I felt so STRONG and AMAZING and like I was winning in this war when I came home from treatment. I have to get this right. I have to fix this.