Florence Isaacs's Posts - LegacyConnect2019-02-22T16:02:23ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolenceshttp://api.ning.com:80/files/Tdk9CcT90zTNrNMW4mmYyA2*MyTm7kmcMrIIrwXrDLDnNUdg7uyGiMB-VwITNHtbR80ONXU8wPl9ScjXlfSMMwZHBWt0hyRQ/558293371.bin?xgip=0%3A14%3A298%3A298%3B%3B&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=38kqalaschsre&xn_auth=noWhen a Bereaved Co-worker Returns to the Jobtag:connect.legacy.com,2017-03-17:1984035:BlogPost:6827572017-03-17T12:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/when-a-bereaved-co-worker-returns-to-the-job" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/EBWAwLsBldwTn4RP-PQzU1BWmw0HfrzXPjIvLTyV9sbSURM3Oc-3CNV1n6bCMaOcvfeCt5pZhwJ0SJCfOQrbFePAAtqym7pf/bereavedcoworkershutterstock.jpg?width=300" style="padding: 10px;" width="300"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3">Q. My colleague’s 19-year-old brother died in a freak biking accident. I attended the funeral and sent a condolence note, but worry about what to say and do when the bereaved comes back to work next week. What is your advice?</span></em></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You’re not alone in your concerns. “Coworkers and managers don’t know…</span></p>
<p><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/when-a-bereaved-co-worker-returns-to-the-job" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/EBWAwLsBldwTn4RP-PQzU1BWmw0HfrzXPjIvLTyV9sbSURM3Oc-3CNV1n6bCMaOcvfeCt5pZhwJ0SJCfOQrbFePAAtqym7pf/bereavedcoworkershutterstock.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a><span class="font-size-3">Q. My colleague’s 19-year-old brother died in a freak biking accident. I attended the funeral and sent a condolence note, but worry about what to say and do when the bereaved comes back to work next week. What is your advice?</span></em></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You’re not alone in your concerns. “Coworkers and managers don’t know what to do with someone who has had a significant loss,” says Rachel Blythe Kodanaz, who coaches the bereaved, colleagues, and managers for Fortune 500 companies. Kodanaz, author of the guide Grief in the Workplace, knows from personal experience. She was widowed when her husband, who worked for the same employer, died on company property. “The hardest part is people don’t know how to interact. Untimely deaths, homicides, unfortunate diagnoses at a young age shock everyone,” she adds.</span></p>
<p><br/> <span class="font-size-3">Yet there are ways to ease the transition back to work, regardless of who died or how.</span> <br/> <br/> <span class="font-size-3"><strong>Tips for the First Day Back</strong></span></p>
<p><br/> <span class="font-size-3">You’ve already been attentive by showing up at the funeral and writing a personal note. Others may acknowledge the loss by making a donation in memory of the deceased or sending food to the family. Such actions help minimize any awkwardness when the bereaved returns to the workplace. Other useful steps:</span></p>
<p><br/> <span class="font-size-3">1. Plan Ahead. Consider how you want to greet the person. You can simply say “It’s good to see you” or “I’m so glad you’re back.” Coworkers who haven’t already expressed sympathy, as you have, can offer some variation of “Please accept my condolences” or even “I don’t know what to say to you.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">2. Be Prepared to Listen. Resist the urge to talk immediately after your greeting. Instead, allow the person time to respond in his/her own way.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">3. Recognize Differences in How Bereaved React to Work. It’s a healing experience for some--a relief and distraction to be immersed in the job. Others can barely function. In the latter case, try to be as helpful and sensitive as you can.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">4. Be Aware of Workplace Grief Counseling. Many employers (especially large ones) offer such help in cases of devastating loss, such as the death of a child. Think about questions you may want to ask if and when a counselor does arrive. Do you dread that the bereaved will break down and sob? It’s less scary if you anticipate it may happen and accept that you can’t “fix it.” But you can touch the person’s arm or give a hug and just be there.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Although nothing can change the loss, human kindness and community make a difference.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a></em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/qybcLIrX2A4iwGFKXb8d0q2IiT-51PZ2NWFRrppiVaZRSVjMx*TJe73*jKFu*og*ytnXK7W3oQniTGzsGYTX5pBt3qkBWlTe/MyDeepestSympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes a...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em> </em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>Top Image: Shutterstock / KieferPix</em></span></p>Attending a Funeral: What's in It for You?tag:connect.legacy.com,2017-01-05:1984035:BlogPost:6803712017-01-05T15:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/attending-a-funeral-what-is-in-it-for-you" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/gCx7TixaLiPeifBmpt4EllygFcFs889TG1peRw5ciWhOPiDN0k4tdqg3cY7PItPmf1QC1GDmBx3Hb2psma6jhdGMFfKZv8kE/AttendaFuneral580x386.jpg?width=300" style="padding: 10px;" width="300"></img></a> Q. My elderly aunt just died, and I’m on the fence about attending the funeral. I loved her, but the funeral is far away and will be so depressing. Will it really matter if I don’t go?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The big question is: matter to whom? So many rituals, which bind us together, have fallen by the wayside in our…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/attending-a-funeral-what-is-in-it-for-you" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/gCx7TixaLiPeifBmpt4EllygFcFs889TG1peRw5ciWhOPiDN0k4tdqg3cY7PItPmf1QC1GDmBx3Hb2psma6jhdGMFfKZv8kE/AttendaFuneral580x386.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>Q. My elderly aunt just died, and I’m on the fence about attending the funeral. I loved her, but the funeral is far away and will be so depressing. Will it really matter if I don’t go?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The big question is: matter to whom? So many rituals, which bind us together, have fallen by the wayside in our society – and funerals are on the endangered species list. Yet, if we trivialize death or banish it from our thoughts, what <u>is</u> important to our hearts and souls? How do we process loss? I recently faced a decision like yours when a dear cousin of mine died. A physician, he’d lived a long, productive life that was touched with joy and accomplishment – as well as heavy sorrows. I struggled with the question of attending. My siblings opted out. It was a long trip. Yet, in the end, I got on the train – for myself, as well as to honor him. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Only you can weigh the pros and cons for yourself. But the following considerations may offer a new perspective. I found that attending the funeral of a beloved family member can:</span></p>
<ul>
<li><span class="font-size-3"><u>Bring back memories that nourish and strengthen you.</u> Their value only grows in this age of technology and text messages.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span class="font-size-3"><u>Reconnect you with people you haven’t seen in ages and may have completely lost touch with.</u> There can also be wonder and solace in hearing how others experienced your aunt.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span class="font-size-3"><u>Enrich your own view of yourself.</u> Seeing my cousin’s children and grandchildren gave me great satisfaction. It felt good to hear about their perspectives and challenges. There was even some networking about job opportunities and grad schools. I found I had something to contribute to them – wisdom, affection, and experience.</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span class="font-size-3"><u>Help you focus on what is important to</u> <u>all of us.</u> This includes who we are and where we came from. My lesson was that life goes on, family history goes on, and we continue.</span></li>
</ul>
<p><span class="font-size-3">For me, the trip was worth the time, effort, and expense. I even had a long, fascinating conversation with a relative I’d only exchanged “hellos” with in the past. It turns out that he writes short stories. Who knew? Everyone’s family is different. But are there dividends to attending your aunt’s funeral, too?</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a></em></span></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qybcLIrX2A4iwGFKXb8d0q2IiT-51PZ2NWFRrppiVaZRSVjMx*TJe73*jKFu*og*ytnXK7W3oQniTGzsGYTX5pBt3qkBWlTe/MyDeepestSympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em><span>Getty Images / <em>Urilux</em></span></em></span></p>Can You Bury Your Pet With You After You Die? It's Possibletag:connect.legacy.com,2016-11-17:1984035:BlogPost:6777242016-11-17T18:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/can-you-bury-your-pet-with-you-after-you-die-it-is-possible" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/gCx7TixaLiOMcKrJCCn50sxHEPcrxX9MoyeyVPEo*Lu05CABXcQerNlpL3-pgUVnLgBouKkejHlyNxS5nPzReo9e6uxMVndj/canyouburypetwithyoushutterstockMaryRice.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> Q. My elderly uncle, who is ailing, wants to be buried with his dog in his cemetery plot. Is this common with pet owners — and is it possible? I thought that animals had to go to pet cemeteries.</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Usually, animals are indeed consigned to pet cemeteries, where their owners have long…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/can-you-bury-your-pet-with-you-after-you-die-it-is-possible" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/gCx7TixaLiOMcKrJCCn50sxHEPcrxX9MoyeyVPEo*Lu05CABXcQerNlpL3-pgUVnLgBouKkejHlyNxS5nPzReo9e6uxMVndj/canyouburypetwithyoushutterstockMaryRice.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a>Q. My elderly uncle, who is ailing, wants to be buried with his dog in his cemetery plot. Is this common with pet owners — and is it possible? I thought that animals had to go to pet cemeteries.</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Usually, animals are indeed consigned to pet cemeteries, where their owners have long been permitted to be buried with them in some states. Or surviving relatives have been known to bend the rules and sneak a pet’s ashes into its owner’s cremation urn or coffin in the family plot. However, movie actor Tony Curtis, father of actress Jamie Lee Curtis, was openly buried in Las Vegas in 2010 — along with the ashes of his dog, Jack. Today there’s a growing movement to permit owners to rest in peace beside Fido or Tallulah, regardless of whether the animals are cremated.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It’s a matter of geography. New York is just one of several states to pass laws allowing such burials in cemeteries that are willing to handle them. (Church cemeteries may opt out, for example.) Similar bills are pending in Louisiana, Indiana, Massachusetts, and elsewhere. In Pennsylvania, cemeteries can offer one section for people, another for pets, and a third area for both. Virginia permits pets and owners to lie in a designated area of a cemetery, as long as they’re in separate caskets.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The issue affects over half of the households in the U.S. According to the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, we own an estimated 70 million to 80 million dogs and 74 million to 96 million cats. And the drive to keep pets and owners together for all eternity is actually an international phenomenon. Owner-pet cemeteries were opened a few years ago for the first time in Germany, which is topped only by Russia and Italy in European pet ownership.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The whole idea may seem strange to people who aren’t animal lovers. Yet those who are devoted to their pets consider them members of the family and grieve their deaths deeply. If a treasured pet dies before they do, some owners may even take another route and turn to taxidermy. One California woman takes comfort in sharing her home with her beloved stuffed cat, which sits in a rocking chair in the den as permanent </span><span class="font-size-3">company. Another possibility is freeze-drying, which is said to produce a more lifelike result.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a></em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qybcLIrX2A4iwGFKXb8d0q2IiT-51PZ2NWFRrppiVaZRSVjMx*TJe73*jKFu*og*ytnXK7W3oQniTGzsGYTX5pBt3qkBWlTe/MyDeepestSympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Shutterstock / Mary Rice</em></span></p>Options When the Deceased Didn't Want a Funeraltag:connect.legacy.com,2016-09-07:1984035:BlogPost:6743052016-09-07T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. <a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/options-when-the-deceased-didn-t-want-a-funeral" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/uTkvFPCTt6Hbz4yS0npFlwboiT*--grmsNq6ZfwlQFGRbGA6VypD2*TKk5DE3gBu*sPEMSUjHmOdhk0jd*Rvltf1o-uFqmbh/NoCasket300x300.jpg?width=200" style="padding: 10px;" width="200"></img></a> My late friend and colleague wished to be cremated and did not want a funeral. He had no close family. I (and others in my professional organization who will miss him) feel very sad. He had a huge impact on our careers, especially when we were starting out. What can we do that honors his wishes, yet also allows us some closure? And…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. <a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/options-when-the-deceased-didn-t-want-a-funeral" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/uTkvFPCTt6Hbz4yS0npFlwboiT*--grmsNq6ZfwlQFGRbGA6VypD2*TKk5DE3gBu*sPEMSUjHmOdhk0jd*Rvltf1o-uFqmbh/NoCasket300x300.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>My late friend and colleague wished to be cremated and did not want a funeral. He had no close family. I (and others in my professional organization who will miss him) feel very sad. He had a huge impact on our careers, especially when we were starting out. What can we do that honors his wishes, yet also allows us some closure? And why would someone refuse a funeral?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Funerals, memorial services, and/or other ceremonies are part of most religions, although the traditions may vary. For example, Quakers celebrate the life of the deceased — and therefore don’t wear black to funerals. Yet we all share a need for community when we lose someone who touched our lives. It’s only human to wish to express grief, “tell stories,” and find meaning and comfort in the company of others who feel the same way.</span></p>
<p><strong><span class="font-size-3"><u>Alternatives to a Funeral</u></span></strong></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In cases like yours, I<span>’</span>ve heard of organizing memorial dinners for the deceased, where those who choose to attend pay their own way. A gathering could take place in a private room in a restaurant (or even a quiet corner, depending on the number of people). Or perhaps the staff of your professional organization can help coordinate a cocktail party as a tribute to your colleague, who apparently contributed years of service to members.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Another possibility: The deceased probably left instructions appointing someone to handle details after death. You might inquire if a “scattering of the ashes” (which might be in a park, a lake or river, or a backyard) is planned — and whether you and others might attend. This is a gathering, yet not a funeral.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Why do some people ban a funeral? Finances are one reason. The cost of funerals (as well as burial plots) has skyrocketed, causing many to choose cremation at a fraction of the cost. They may consider a funeral a waste of money and an unwanted “fuss.” In fact, the number of funeral homes has dropped in New York City, Philadelphia, and some other cities.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">So have the numbers of people affiliated with particular religions. A recent Pew Research poll found that 23 percent of American adults now consider themselves religiously unaffiliated versus 16 percent in 2007. The number of Roman Catholic funerals in the U.S. has declined since 1970 — at the same time the Roman Catholic population has increased. We’re a more secular society today.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a></em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qybcLIrX2A4iwGFKXb8d0q2IiT-51PZ2NWFRrppiVaZRSVjMx*TJe73*jKFu*og*ytnXK7W3oQniTGzsGYTX5pBt3qkBWlTe/MyDeepestSympathies.jpg?width=100" class="align-right" width="100"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Shutterstock, nosik</em><br/></span></p>Music for Funerals and Memorial Servicestag:connect.legacy.com,2016-08-03:1984035:BlogPost:6730802016-08-03T17:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/music-for-funerals-and-memorial-services-1" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/nnPHp*II36-p3BkyLgDdlTllfJPS8u2D6*tLzbv2uy1yiyn5-KuxW1z6tneVCEjHiyWGVj0Mm65qP7OQs31ibup6LknAk0Rs/MusicForFunerals200x175.jpg?width=200" style="padding: 10px;" width="200"></img></a> Q. When my time comes, I would like to have music played at my funeral. Is music acceptable at services in all religions? Can you suggest some appropriate choices?</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Music has played a role in funerals since ancient times when survivors chanted to appease the spirits. Ancient Roman funeral…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/music-for-funerals-and-memorial-services-1" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/nnPHp*II36-p3BkyLgDdlTllfJPS8u2D6*tLzbv2uy1yiyn5-KuxW1z6tneVCEjHiyWGVj0Mm65qP7OQs31ibup6LknAk0Rs/MusicForFunerals200x175.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>Q. When my time comes, I would like to have music played at my funeral. Is music acceptable at services in all religions? Can you suggest some appropriate choices?</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Music has played a role in funerals since ancient times when survivors chanted to appease the spirits. Ancient Roman funeral processions included both mimes and musicians, and New Orleans jazz funerals reach back to Africa. (Think “When the Saints Go Marching In.”) Dancing follows the burial of the deceased to release tension and restore the spirit. At the Augusta, Georgia, funeral of James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, over 9,000 people danced to music played by his band.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Catholic funerals recognize the power of music, such as “Amazing Grace” or “Ave Maria” and other sacred selections, to console mourners and allow them to connect with and express profound emotions. The choir sang psalms at U.S. Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia’s funeral Mass. Meaningful selections are made in consultation with the pastor. Although secular songs are not permitted at the funeral, they are suitable after</span> <span class="font-size-3">the vigil service or at a gathering after burial.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">At other churches, funeral music may range from hymns or anthems to patriotic or pop music, such as “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” or the Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love.” Elton John performed a version of “Candle in the Wind” at Princess Diana’s funeral, Music by composers like Bach, Beethoven, Debussy, Handel, or others, are classical favorites. Songs and hymns may be sung by assembled mourners, a choir, or a soloist.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In a sign of the times, some funerals and memorial services have become less traditional and somber. They may be called “celebrations of life,” where almost anything goes. In a survey of over 30,000 funerals in 2014, the website <a href="http://www.co-operativefuneralcare.co.uk/funeral" target="_blank">www.co-operativefuneralcare.co.uk/funeral</a> found only 30 percent of requests for funeral music involved hymns (led by “Abide by Me”). Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” ranked fifth in popularity. “You’ll Never Walk Alone” placed ninth.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">For a wealth of information and possibilities, check out journalist and author Pat McNees’ website at <a href="http://www.patmcnees.com/music-for-funerals-and-memorialservices-51527.htm." target="_blank">http://www.patmcnees.com/music-for-funerals-and-memorialservices-51527.htm.</a> Favorites are also listed at <a href="http://funeralhelper.org/funeral-music/popular-funeral-music.html" target="_blank">http://funeralhelper.org/funeral-music/popular-funeral-music.html</a>.Because music is associated with festivity and happiness, it is not usual at Jewish funerals or memorial services. Music isn’t found at Muslim funerals, either, such as the services for the world champion boxer Muhammad Ali.</span></p>
<p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a></em></span></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qybcLIrX2A4iwGFKXb8d0q2IiT-51PZ2NWFRrppiVaZRSVjMx*TJe73*jKFu*og*ytnXK7W3oQniTGzsGYTX5pBt3qkBWlTe/MyDeepestSympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Shutterstock, gwolters</em></span></p>After a Family Rift, Should You Go to the Funeral or Memorial Service?tag:connect.legacy.com,2016-04-18:1984035:BlogPost:6647482016-04-18T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>Q. My aunt just died, and I want to attend the funeral. However, I haven’t spoken to my cousin (her son) for several years after a series of arguments. What should I do? I’m afraid he’ll be annoyed to see me there or even challenge me.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Funerals and memorial services are meant to be healing rituals for survivors that bring us together to share the loss of a loved one. But that doesn’t happen if the bereaved are…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>Q. My aunt just died, and I want to attend the funeral. However, I haven’t spoken to my cousin (her son) for several years after a series of arguments. What should I do? I’m afraid he’ll be annoyed to see me there or even challenge me.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Funerals and memorial services are meant to be healing rituals for survivors that bring us together to share the loss of a loved one. But that doesn’t happen if the bereaved are estranged. Such rifts are called “emotional cutoffs,” and are ways to manage unresolved issues with parents, siblings, or other family members. Or sometimes the problem is an absence of communication skills to handle disagreements or grievances.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Enmity can continue for years (even decades), and set a pattern for the next generation. Antagonists may derive a certain comfort in their hostility — until a death shakes up the whole family. Suddenly, they experience the price they pay for continuing to nurse anger. In some cases, the death, especially if unexpected (as in an accident), brings a new perspective. What’s happened in the past seems unimportant. The funeral or memorial service may present an opportunity for healing and reconciliation — or not.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Some possible ways to handle the situation include:</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">1. Call your cousin and say, “I loved your mother, and would like to attend the funeral if possible.” This gives your cousin the room to say “yes” or “no.” Perhaps a conversation can follow.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">2. Talk to a third party (a relative or mutual friend) who can assess your cousin’s mood and ask whether your presence would be OK.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">3. Attend the funeral and hope for the best, although this is likely to increase anxiety in an already awkward situation.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Whether you go or not, you can, if you wish, make a donation in memory of your aunt to a charity or cause. Or you can write a condolence note, as in, “Dear ---, Aunt Stella was very good to me, and I mourn her passing. I send my condolences.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Incidentally, a similar situation can occur between feuding neighbors. Voices escalate — and even lawsuits may arise — over who had the right to cut down a tree. At a later date, someone dies — leaving the dilemma of whether to attend the service. There may even be community pressure to forget the past.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a></em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qybcLIrX2A4iwGFKXb8d0q2IiT-51PZ2NWFRrppiVaZRSVjMx*TJe73*jKFu*og*ytnXK7W3oQniTGzsGYTX5pBt3qkBWlTe/MyDeepestSympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons / FBI</em></span></p>Who Pays for the Funeral? Defining 'Immediate Family'tag:connect.legacy.com,2015-12-29:1984035:BlogPost:6575582015-12-29T15:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/who-pays-for-the-funeral-defining-immediate-family" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qohxE2SRaarztd-6BBjJ8vHC5nywkdnHwAQhvaG410iMnsYehoivkMkRb5ma8pK9JLdM-ovmAUSNO7D9iZ18BKA6-fSCzdj5/StackofMoneyWCFBI300.jpg?width=200" width="200"></img></a> Q. A friend of mine has been asked to help pay for the funeral of a cousin she was never close to. Somehow it doesn't seem right, especially when the bereaved are not exactly poor. Whatever happened to families taking responsibility for such costs? And how can my friend handle this situation without feeling…</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/who-pays-for-the-funeral-defining-immediate-family" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qohxE2SRaarztd-6BBjJ8vHC5nywkdnHwAQhvaG410iMnsYehoivkMkRb5ma8pK9JLdM-ovmAUSNO7D9iZ18BKA6-fSCzdj5/StackofMoneyWCFBI300.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left"/></a>Q. A friend of mine has been asked to help pay for the funeral of a cousin she was never close to. Somehow it doesn't seem right, especially when the bereaved are not exactly poor. Whatever happened to families taking responsibility for such costs? And how can my friend handle this situation without feeling trapped?</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Money is always a touchy subject, whether you're requesting financial help or being asked to provide it. Friendships and family relationships have fractured over money issues because expectations and boundaries can vary widely. "Need" is in the eyes of the beholder. And as I discovered while researching this subject, the very definition of "family" may differ. In our culture, we tend to accept responsibility for the funerals of first-degree relatives who haven't left resources to cover funeral costs. It's one of the obligations of adulthood. However, my idea of "immediate family" may not be the same as yours. My personal definition has included grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren, spouse, siblings, plus spouse's parents, grandparents, and siblings.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In fact, according to Dictionary.com, the term "immediate family" also includes step-parents, step-children, foster children, sibling-in-laws, step-great-grandparents, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. Employee benefits plans vary in their definitions. Will you be paid if you take the day off to attend the funeral of your sister's mother-in-law? It depends on where you work.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Another complication: Does your ex's father qualify as a relative? How far out do you go? It's an individual decision, and there's no single answer. The quality of relationships counts, too. A second cousin may mean a great deal to you.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Your friend is in a tough position. It's hard to say "no" because of the possible fallout. For example, will she feel awkward attending the funeral if she refuses to contribute? Yet it's also hard to say "yes" if you feel taken advantage of. Is this a scenario for ongoing resentment? One possibility is to say, "I was going to donate (amount) to (name of charity or cause) in memory of (deceased). What I can do is give you that money for the funeral instead." Or your friend can just offer any amount she feels comfortable with – no more.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The world is changing so fast that the rules of etiquette haven't had a chance to catch up. And even when they do, there will be those who just don't care.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a></em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/qybcLIrX2A4iwGFKXb8d0q2IiT-51PZ2NWFRrppiVaZRSVjMx*TJe73*jKFu*og*ytnXK7W3oQniTGzsGYTX5pBt3qkBWlTe/MyDeepestSympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons / FBI</em></span></p>Funeral Flowers: What's Too Much ... or Not Enoughtag:connect.legacy.com,2015-12-03:1984035:BlogPost:6557512015-12-03T18:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/funeral-flowers-whats-too-much-or-not-enough" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/2iuP6rjeNNLclOlgWXrasfX0RmH9qslTqakcCApHZH-*E-B-3i7nw-R02t3pQd66oMuLHrY75SjNQj09rIDqH1cFGR1Jmk8w/FuneralFlowersWikimedia.jpg?width=200" style="padding: 10px;" width="200"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My siblings and I are bickering over how much to spend for flowers at our mother's funeral. It's, "What do we need flowers for? They're a waste of money" – all the way to, "Let's fill the chapel." What do other people do?</i></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3">Which people…</span></p>
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/funeral-flowers-whats-too-much-or-not-enough" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/2iuP6rjeNNLclOlgWXrasfX0RmH9qslTqakcCApHZH-*E-B-3i7nw-R02t3pQd66oMuLHrY75SjNQj09rIDqH1cFGR1Jmk8w/FuneralFlowersWikimedia.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My siblings and I are bickering over how much to spend for flowers at our mother's funeral. It's, "What do we need flowers for? They're a waste of money" – all the way to, "Let's fill the chapel." What do other people do?</i></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3">Which people are you talking about? Michael Jackson's funeral cost $1 million, including $16,000 for flowers. Flowers covered the gates of Kensington Palace and Buckingham Palace at Princess Diana's $1.8 million funeral. She was buried near a lake filled with her favorite blooms: white lilies and white roses. For the rest of us, resources tend to be limited, and differences in values and sentimentality can complicate the funeral arrangements. Some consider flowers "unnecessary frills." To others, flowers symbolize hope, renewal and the cycle of life. They bring solace and a sense of connection to the deceased. A bare chapel can seem cold and unloving in comparison.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3">According to <a href="http://www.costhelper.com/">www.CostHelper.com</a>, the cost of funeral flowers can range from as little as $40 to $800 – and up. Prices vary, depending on the quantity ordered and the type of bloom; lilies and exotic choices are expensive, for example. If you want flower-covered limousines to the cemetery, expect to pay for them. Geography counts, too. Prices in a large city are likely to top those in a rural area. Casket sprays, which are placed over the coffin (and are available in varying sizes) are common, as are flower wreaths on a stand or easel. At many funerals, boutonnieres are ordered for pallbearers and family members.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">To head off further dissension in your family, why not confer with the funeral director, who can suggest ways to create warmth without breaking the flower budget? Florists can also educate you on seasonal choices and other ways to hold down costs. Of course, your experience illustrates another good reason to plan one's own funeral, and do it in detail. The bereaved are spared stressful decisions that can cause unnecessary friction.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3">Incidentally, flowers have been associated with tributes to the dead since antiquity, and fragrant varieties were probably chosen for practical, as well as aesthetic reasons. Their scent helped hide the odor of the decomposing body. Funeral flowers are not appropriate for all religions, however. There are no flowers at Orthodox, and often, Conservative Jewish funerals. Islamic funerals may or may not include them.</span></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; text-align: center; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; text-align: center; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-3" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;">***</span></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; text-align: left; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-3" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; text-align: left; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-3" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/29vqmKQdmaXr8QwX1ChN-P-14yBea0uDqRnZO3ij-ci7xwaZ07AHO3NGVZMMYnajAYNVvKmtY0xGnzTeqtgWgWUDMsufRyGf/mydeepestsympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right" style="margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 4px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 10px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-align: right; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/></a><i style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes a...</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=legacycom-20&amp;l=as2&amp;o=1&amp;a=0609605658" border="0" height="1" width="1" style="margin: 4px 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/>. She</i> <em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">Image via Wikimedia Commons, Internet Archive Book</em></p>When a Death Seems a Blessing: What Not To Saytag:connect.legacy.com,2015-10-22:1984035:BlogPost:6537462015-10-22T14:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. I was recently at a funeral for a relative with Alzheimer’s disease who died in a nursing home. I happened to overhear someone tell the deceased’s son that, “It’s better this way.” The comment seemed inappropriate to me, especially because the speaker was not someone who knew the family well. The son also received some condolence notes that made similar statements. Your thoughts?</i></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Many people think that words…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. I was recently at a funeral for a relative with Alzheimer’s disease who died in a nursing home. I happened to overhear someone tell the deceased’s son that, “It’s better this way.” The comment seemed inappropriate to me, especially because the speaker was not someone who knew the family well. The son also received some condolence notes that made similar statements. Your thoughts?</i></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-3">Many people think that words of wisdom are required when expressing condolences (oral or written). Actually, the opposite is true. A brief and simple statement, such as “I’m so sorry” is best unless you are very close to the bereaved and understand the circumstances involved. Why? Because you don’t know enough to say more—and it’s too easy to project your feelings onto the survivor. You may think it’s a blessing that the parent finally died. But that doesn’t mean those left behind feel the same.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The death of a parent is the end of the most basic relationship we have, as well as the end of a part of our identity. We’re no longer a son or daughter. Even if expected, the death has its own devastating reality. Grief can be both very complicated and individual. According to the National Cancer Institute, a number of factors play a role, such as the bereaved’s personality and coping skills, religious and cultural background, and social and economic position.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The person’s relationship with the parent is a key element, as well. In some families, the relationship may have been stormy and painful, not loving. In cases of severe conflict, the survivor may experience mingled feelings of love and hate. He/she may regret not working harder to heal rifts or refusing to forgive. Or unexpressed resentment of the parent may make it difficult to heal from the loss. In such cases, you risk stepping into a minefield by talking about “your love and respect for your father” or saying, “I know you must be grieving for your mom.” These assumptions may not be true. Rather than offering solace or support, such statements can intensify the survivor’s loneliness because they seem to judge what one is “supposed” to feel.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Acquaintances must realize, too, that the survivor is exhausted and overwhelmed with decisions, details, arrangements and loss. Feelings are raw. This is no time to spout platitudes or give unsolicited advice that can be irritating. The bereaved appreciate your sympathy. That, along with your sincerity, is all that’s required.</span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-3" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-3" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/29vqmKQdmaXr8QwX1ChN-P-14yBea0uDqRnZO3ij-ci7xwaZ07AHO3NGVZMMYnajAYNVvKmtY0xGnzTeqtgWgWUDMsufRyGf/mydeepestsympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right" style="margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 4px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 10px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-align: right; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/></a><i style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes a...</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=legacycom-20&amp;l=as2&amp;o=1&amp;a=0609605658" border="0" height="1" width="1" style="margin: 4px 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/>. She</i> <em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; text-align: center; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/29vqmKQdmaXr8QwX1ChN-P-14yBea0uDqRnZO3ij-ci7xwaZ07AHO3NGVZMMYnajAYNVvKmtY0xGnzTeqtgWgWUDMsufRyGf/mydeepestsympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right" style="margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 4px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 10px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-align: right; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/></a><i style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes a...</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=legacycom-20&amp;l=as2&amp;o=1&amp;a=0609605658" border="0" height="1" width="1" style="margin: 4px 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/>. She</i> <em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">Image via Wikimedia Commons, Tomwsulcer</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;"> </em></span></p>Tips for Asking a Stand-in To Deliver a Eulogy You've Writtentag:connect.legacy.com,2015-09-28:1984035:BlogPost:6521142015-09-28T17:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://api.ning.com:80/files/aMLkUWs6eSNALeqnBXld7KCli-KHrTp0zrFoOVAvCXyDk8NO*Wzz4xxynzxHmD6nU6VDiB1qYvS1KHb7m3pOwAfjPa17z0Mb/Eulogy.jpg" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/aMLkUWs6eSNALeqnBXld7KCli-KHrTp0zrFoOVAvCXyDk8NO*Wzz4xxynzxHmD6nU6VDiB1qYvS1KHb7m3pOwAfjPa17z0Mb/Eulogy.jpg?width=200" style="padding: 10px;" width="200"></img></a> My father is in hospice, and my family assumes that I will give one of the eulogies at his funeral. I have no trouble writing it. But I'm terrified of delivering it myself. Public speaking is not one of my talents. My dad and I are very close, and I'm sure I'll break down and cry. Is it…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://api.ning.com:80/files/aMLkUWs6eSNALeqnBXld7KCli-KHrTp0zrFoOVAvCXyDk8NO*Wzz4xxynzxHmD6nU6VDiB1qYvS1KHb7m3pOwAfjPa17z0Mb/Eulogy.jpg" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/aMLkUWs6eSNALeqnBXld7KCli-KHrTp0zrFoOVAvCXyDk8NO*Wzz4xxynzxHmD6nU6VDiB1qYvS1KHb7m3pOwAfjPa17z0Mb/Eulogy.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>My father is in hospice, and my family assumes that I will give one of the eulogies at his funeral. I have no trouble writing it. But I'm terrified of delivering it myself. Public speaking is not one of my talents. My dad and I are very close, and I'm sure I'll break down and cry. Is it acceptable to ask someone else to read the eulogy I compose? And whom should I ask?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You are hardly alone. Most people's eyes glaze over at the prospect of addressing an audience on any occasion, let alone one filled with grief, the pain of loss, and reminders of their mortality. It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed and unable to manage it. When my husband died, I never considered speaking (or even writing the eulogy </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">– </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">and I'm a professional writer). It was stressful enough just to put one foot in front of the other.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In your place, I'd go right ahead and ask someone else to read the eulogy. Select a friend or family member who has speaking experience and the composure to handle this emotional situation. You can tell the person to start out with something like, "---- composed this eulogy, and asked me to read it." The speaker can add a few personal comments about the deceased after the reading </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">– </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">or not. There is no template.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You can consider other options, as well. Often the clergy gives the eulogy (and some very observant families may insist upon this). The family supplies pertinent details in cases where the minister did not know the deceased. For example, he/she may have been a supportive parent, a generous, loyal friend and a community activist. Another possibility is to ask the funeral director to read your words.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Not all religions use a eulogy. For example, Islam does not. But eulogies are common. They are speeches of praise for someone who has recently</span> died, <span class="font-size-3">and derive from the Latin "</span>eloquium<span class="font-size-3">," which essentially means "speaking well of the dead." You don't have to be an orator to deliver a eulogy. People are there to hear simple words of remembrance that connect them to other mourners and do provide comfort. Yet we all react to the death of a loved one in our own way. This is a time of fragility. Do what feels most comfortable.</span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; text-align: center; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/29vqmKQdmaXr8QwX1ChN-P-14yBea0uDqRnZO3ij-ci7xwaZ07AHO3NGVZMMYnajAYNVvKmtY0xGnzTeqtgWgWUDMsufRyGf/mydeepestsympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right" style="margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 4px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 10px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-align: right; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/></a><i style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes a...</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=legacycom-20&amp;l=as2&amp;o=1&amp;a=0609605658" border="0" height="1" width="1" style="margin: 4px 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: transparent;"/>. She</i> <em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; background: transparent;">writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.3333px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: transparent;">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 24.96px; text-align: center; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-3" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: transparent;"> </span></p>Why Run an In Memoriam Notice?tag:connect.legacy.com,2015-07-27:1984035:BlogPost:6464712015-07-27T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/why-run-an-in-memoriam-notice" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhjFdyomxsyOdmUuTG13QU5TQVbmpZb6cErpPGGpZwr-FTzvw817R4o*Sz07AgoBddWeyLeVQOjdVFjaphCUgDbn/InmemoriamEdPhillipsshutterstock1200x630.jpg?width=400" width="400"></img></a> Q. I see In Memoriams in the newspaper regularly, but I wonder why people bother to place them. First, they’re expensive. Second, isn’t an obituary enough?<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Many of us never consider an In Memoriam because it isn’t a family custom and funeral costs are hard enough to…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/why-run-an-in-memoriam-notice" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhjFdyomxsyOdmUuTG13QU5TQVbmpZb6cErpPGGpZwr-FTzvw817R4o*Sz07AgoBddWeyLeVQOjdVFjaphCUgDbn/InmemoriamEdPhillipsshutterstock1200x630.jpg?width=400" width="400" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I see In Memoriams in the newspaper regularly, but I wonder why people bother to place them. First, they’re expensive. Second, isn’t an obituary enough?<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Many of us never consider an In Memoriam because it isn’t a family custom and funeral costs are hard enough to handle. Yet the notices do comfort those left behind who wish to voice love and sorrow. These emotions have no expiration date. In Memoriams placed by parents and siblings speak of children who died. One can only imagine what happened. An accident? Cancer? Who knows? It doesn’t matter, except to those who remember and grieve. The words, “We miss you so much,” never go stale. Tributes to loved ones who lived to old age can be poignant, as well. To survivors, these lives weren’t nearly long enough. </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">There is no set script for In Memoriams, although some take the form of love letters. The writer recalls a first meeting with an adored spouse or partner, and expresses the lingering pain of loss. Other notices include an appropriate quotation that captures the essence of the deceased. Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote the long poem, “In Memoriam,” in response to the death of his 22-year-old friend Arthur Hallem. The masterpiece reflects on finding hope after great loss, and is said to have brought solace to Queen Victoria as she mourned her beloved husband, Prince Albert.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In Memoriams often run on the deceased’s birthday, the first anniversary of the death—or the 40th. Recently, I read a notice marking a death that occurred 90 years ago. Holidays like Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Christmas are also common occasions. Military veterans may be honored on Memorial Day, Veterans Day, or D-Day, the sixth of June. A daughter told me, “It made me feel better to run an In Memoriam for my dad on July 4th. I wanted to celebrate the life of an ordinary man who had an extraordinary love for his country.” </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Such notices kindle connection for younger generations of families, and for many of the rest of us, too. They move us. Perhaps that’s why the In Memoriam segment of the annual Academy Awards ceremony is so popular with attendees and TV viewers. The list of film industry honorees includes actors, directors, writers, and others who have died in the past year. Furor erupts when a favorite name is left out. <b> </b></span></p>
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<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-3"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img src="http://api.ning.com/files/29vqmKQdmaXr8QwX1ChN-P-14yBea0uDqRnZO3ij-ci7xwaZ07AHO3NGVZMMYnajAYNVvKmtY0xGnzTeqtgWgWUDMsufRyGf/mydeepestsympathies.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-right" style="padding: 10px;"/></a><i><a href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes and Conversations, Plus a Guide to Eulogies</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=legacycom-20&amp;l=as2&amp;o=1&amp;a=0609605658" border="0" height="1" width="1"/>. She</i> <em>writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_blank">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>Image: Shutterstock / Ed Phillips</em></span></p>
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<p></p>How To Research Someone Before Delivering His or Her Eulogytag:connect.legacy.com,2015-05-18:1984035:BlogPost:6425592015-05-18T18:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-research-someone-before-delivering-his-or-her-eulogy" target="_self"><img class="align-center" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhhB6hbEqY11oqQBbWg75tF1FjzZq7-pk71y1vxIYqYL1N52RO0YcIpl229siMkSV6hWSnUEZBqUvAIBGFumo8Yp/EulogyFCCChriso1000x525.jpg?width=600" width="600"></img></a></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><em><span class="font-size-1">Flickr Creative Commons | Chriso</span></em></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. I've been asked to speak at a memorial service for an employee of my company. I barely knew him, as I only recently started working here. How can I come up with something…</i></span></p>
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-research-someone-before-delivering-his-or-her-eulogy" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhhB6hbEqY11oqQBbWg75tF1FjzZq7-pk71y1vxIYqYL1N52RO0YcIpl229siMkSV6hWSnUEZBqUvAIBGFumo8Yp/EulogyFCCChriso1000x525.jpg?width=600" width="600" class="align-center"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><em><span class="font-size-1">Flickr Creative Commons | Chriso</span></em></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. I've been asked to speak at a memorial service for an employee of my company. I barely knew him, as I only recently started working here. How can I come up with something appropriate?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">As the population continues to age rapidly, many of us will find ourselves required (or invited) to compose and deliver a eulogy. It's hard to do, but particularly daunting if you're speaking as a company representative, and the deceased is a relative (or complete) stranger. The first step is to ask, "Who is this person?" – and find out via research.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Begin by talking to people who worked closely with the deceased. Ask them to discuss their memories of him and describe his strengths, as well as quirks. Pump them for details and anecdotes, such as the time he talked a customer out of switching her business to her brother-in-law. Or maybe he loved standup comedy and performed occasionally at a local club. Check with human resources to find out whether he won special awards at the company or in the industry.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">His family and friends can also provide a true sense of this individual. Did he have a nickname or did he serve in the military? Was he an amateur photographer who never missed a camera show? Did he smoke cigars in the backyard? Did he volunteer as a Big Brother for six years? Was he married and/or a parent of three girls? Such information helps you compose a vivid picture of a human being. In your place, I'd also corroborate the facts with more than one source to avoid inaccuracies.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Be honest, as well. For example, after a policeman was recently shot and killed in the line of duty, the police commissioner began his remarks with: "I did not know this officer in person in life. I've only come to know him in death." An opening statement like this is powerful, touching, and sets the stage for the words that follow.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Speaking at a memorial service is also an opportunity to make an impression, and you want to do it right. The idea is to pay tribute to the deceased and affirm his life. Of course, keep in mind that five to seven minutes (or even less) is long enough for a eulogy. This is true especially if there is more than one speaker.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self" rel="nofollow">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self" rel="nofollow">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p></p>Family Arguments When a Loved One Dies: The Mediation Optiontag:connect.legacy.com,2015-04-22:1984035:BlogPost:6411192015-04-22T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/family-arguments-when-a-loved-one-dies-the-mediation-option" target="_self"><img class="align-center" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhj2wXNt8raiyRFic0joNY7Dp4BSHRIhyyF2nbwCIVJ9zUWzakTi89XMgpOVVJ4XFfg2GlsGTZEy-Ocsov2nvDTX/familyargumentFCCjoncollier1200x630.jpg?width=600" width="600"></img></a></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><em><span class="font-size-1">Flickr Creative Commons | jon collier</span></em></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My aunt, who had no children, died and left everything (including a condo in Miami) to my cousins and myself. My cousins have almost come to blows over whether to sell…</i></span></p>
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/family-arguments-when-a-loved-one-dies-the-mediation-option" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhj2wXNt8raiyRFic0joNY7Dp4BSHRIhyyF2nbwCIVJ9zUWzakTi89XMgpOVVJ4XFfg2GlsGTZEy-Ocsov2nvDTX/familyargumentFCCjoncollier1200x630.jpg?width=600" width="600" class="align-center"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><em><span class="font-size-1">Flickr Creative Commons | jon collier</span></em></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My aunt, who had no children, died and left everything (including a condo in Miami) to my cousins and myself. My cousins have almost come to blows over whether to sell the place or use it for vacations and share expenses. How can people resolve such issues?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Unless there is a later memorial service, a death in the family usually requires quick decisions about everything from the location of the funeral to the selection of pallbearers and the wording of the obituary. Emotions are raw. There is loss, and disagreements about details may arise. At such times, an option is to meet with the funeral director, who is on the spot, has heard it all, and may be able to help the bereaved reach agreement.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">When property is bequeathed, as in your family's case, survivors' values and priorities are involved — and a meeting with an experienced professional mediator may be useful. "The process involves a somewhat structured format. A mediator guides the discussion, ensures the person who always has the most to say is balanced by others, and tries to get participants to hear each other," says Honey Hastings, a certified family mediator and family law attorney in Wilton, New Hampshire.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Hourly rates for mediation can run from $150 to $300 and up, depending on area and the number of people attending. Five people with five points of view require a mediator at the top of his or her game to help find common ground. For one near you, check the Academy of Professional Family Mediators website at <a href="http://apfmnet.org/directory/search.cfm">http://apfmnet.org/directory/search.cfm</a>. The site offers a "Find a Mediator" function. One of the options is "Elder Mediation."</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The best idea is to have a family meeting run by a trained mediator <u>before</u> a parent or other elder relative dies, says Hastings. She notes that in New Hampshire some local civic groups hold such meetings to help people across generations have the conversation on death and dying.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">"Nobody wants to face the subject of death. It's a tough topic," says Hastings. "Most survivors want to do what was wanted, but they just don't know. Typically children want to show their love by having a big, expensive funeral. But what if the person wanted the opposite, yet never expressed the preference – or told survivors A and C about the preference, but not B. Preplanning is best."</span></p>
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<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p></p>Condolence Tips When Writing to a Strangertag:connect.legacy.com,2015-03-30:1984035:BlogPost:6394642015-03-30T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/condolence-tips-when-writing-to-a-stranger" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/Z-JJSpQIZ69NLUssbaMNzJB*qlK9GBLm2rcEiD9r0Bmpw5Xd5EzxCwrG3aAboBqk50vAFF8Oh-LNC4COK7g5z6vcqYdyQVOC/condolences.JPG?width=204" width="204"></img></a> Q. I'm struggling to write a condolence note to the wife of a very close colleague of my late husband. I knew the man well and cared about him. He was a genius in his way, but sort of a lost soul who also had serious health problems. I never met his widow. They married after I'd lost touch with him. What can I say that makes sense when I…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/condolence-tips-when-writing-to-a-stranger" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/Z-JJSpQIZ69NLUssbaMNzJB*qlK9GBLm2rcEiD9r0Bmpw5Xd5EzxCwrG3aAboBqk50vAFF8Oh-LNC4COK7g5z6vcqYdyQVOC/condolences.JPG?width=204" width="204" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I'm struggling to write a condolence note to the wife of a very close colleague of my late husband. I knew the man well and cared about him. He was a genius in his way, but sort of a lost soul who also had serious health problems. I never met his widow. They married after I'd lost touch with him. What can I say that makes sense when I don't know the bereaved?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">In a situation like this, keep your focus on the person you do know—the deceased. Because the note is not obligatory, a good place to start is to consider why you want to write. After all, the widow doesn't expect to hear from you. Sometimes we write to express our own grief. This man obviously made an impact on you, and his death affected you deeply. Putting the words to paper is therapeutic for you, helping to process your sadness. It also makes a connection, telling the widow, "I cared about him, too."</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I encourage you to let your thoughts about this man roam through your mind, and jot down those that seem honest and true, capturing who he was. Perhaps memories or details will pop up that make you smile or cry. In your place, I might write something like:</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">"Dear ---, I was shocked to see Tom's obituary in the newspaper last week. My husband Chris and I were always so fond of him. Tom was a brilliant attorney and such a sweet man. Chris considered Tom a 'younger brother.' I remember Chris accompanying him to the</span> emergency room <span class="font-size-3">more than once when Tom fell ill at the office. I send my deepest condolences. Sincerely, (signature)."</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Such words memorialize the deceased and assure survivors that the person was valued. That's why notes are often kept and read over and over again for comfort. A note is also a catharsis for the writer, helping to bring closure.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">After the assassination of John F. Kennedy in 1963, an astonishing 1,500,000 people sent condolence letters to Jacqueline Kennedy. According to the book <i>Letters to Jackie</i> by Ellen Fitzpatrick, about 800,000 were received within the first seven weeks after the tragedy. The writers were ordinary Americans, who had never met Mrs. Kennedy. Yet they felt a shared desolation and, in this case, a national loss.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, Mwanapedia</em></span></p>An Update on Mausoleumstag:connect.legacy.com,2015-02-20:1984035:BlogPost:6358122015-02-20T17:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/an-update-on-mausoleums" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/KAR5IkyS4P*1pPTe3Yh1ndv4OrgUofdUCdz9N2reBqwwuC8k9VCvKHTVB1CovdYEDSbRYj-sW25E10im070dB4IoDamvuNL-/20140825HomewoodCemeteryMellon02Resized.jpg?width=200" width="200"></img></a> Q. I've seen mausoleums in cemeteries and always assumed they are exclusively for the rich and famous. I was recently told that isn't true – that they aren't necessarily hugely expensive. What are the options today, and how much does a mausoleum cost?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My dictionary defines a mausoleum as a large, stately building…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/an-update-on-mausoleums" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/KAR5IkyS4P*1pPTe3Yh1ndv4OrgUofdUCdz9N2reBqwwuC8k9VCvKHTVB1CovdYEDSbRYj-sW25E10im070dB4IoDamvuNL-/20140825HomewoodCemeteryMellon02Resized.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I've seen mausoleums in cemeteries and always assumed they are exclusively for the rich and famous. I was recently told that isn't true – that they aren't necessarily hugely expensive. What are the options today, and how much does a mausoleum cost?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My dictionary defines a mausoleum as a large, stately building that houses above-ground tombs. The word derives from the Greek for Mausolus, king of Caria, who died circa 353 B.C. And it's true that many mausoleums are very grand in size, big enough to walk into for both privacy and shelter from the elements and to accommodate the crypts of a large family. Marble or granite is common material. The most lavish structures may feature budgetbusters like a chapel, paintings, stained-glass windows and bronze doors. The thicker the walls, the higher the cost.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">However, an outdoor (or "garden") version, which does not include a covered area, is considerably less expensive, in part because there are no heating costs. An above-ground stand-alone crypt can cost as little as $1,000, depending on size, details, land prices and geographical location. Additional fees may also apply.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Another option is a community mausoleum, which is likely to offer amenities like a chapel – plus separate crypts for large numbers of people (thousands in some cases) who may be strangers to each other. The community concept, less costly than a private mausoleum (although pricier than simple burial and gravestone), began in Spain and France – and caught on in the United States about 150 years ago. Today, improved construction techniques have pared costs to as low as $3,000 for a crypt, plus opening, closing and other charges. In addition, interest in columbaria (which offer niches for cremation urns) in mausoleums has grown. In 2012, 43.2 percent of deaths involved cremation versus only 26.17 percent in 2000, according to the Cremation Association of North America. Niches can start at a few hundred dollars. More information on mausoleum costs is available at <a href="http://www.personalfinance.costhelper.com">www.personalfinance.costhelper.com</a> . Or just type "mausoleum prices" in your search engine. Photos of various mausoleum styles are available online, as well.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Before making a decision, do consider which cemetery you want. Some cemeteries don't permit mausoleums. Arlington National Cemetery has only two – one for Brig. Gen. Thomas Crook Sullivan and his family and the other for Lt. Gen. Nelson Appleton Miles.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><em><span class="font-size-2">Image via Wikimedia Commons, Cbaile19</span></em></p>Donating in Memory of a Deceased Person: Business Situationtag:connect.legacy.com,2015-01-30:1984035:BlogPost:6345112015-01-30T18:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/donating-in-memory-of-a-deceased-person-business-situation" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/k8OMbkKMc8n*ni5ZiUzbPUCBNp3V7FpnLBrIx9FopwiM5fmDrVULX66Rtb3WGhKRZCjwHXO62HotYzhpky6HCAfWlNqqaXEp/USETHISflowers.jpg?width=250" width="250"></img></a> Q. I’m debating whether to send flowers to a client whose father died or to make a contribution in memory of the person. In the latter case, how can I be sure the client will be notified of the donation? I’ve never done this before.</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Our business and professional lives are about…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/donating-in-memory-of-a-deceased-person-business-situation" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/k8OMbkKMc8n*ni5ZiUzbPUCBNp3V7FpnLBrIx9FopwiM5fmDrVULX66Rtb3WGhKRZCjwHXO62HotYzhpky6HCAfWlNqqaXEp/USETHISflowers.jpg?width=250" width="250" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I’m debating whether to send flowers to a client whose father died or to make a contribution in memory of the person. In the latter case, how can I be sure the client will be notified of the donation? I’ve never done this before.</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Our business and professional lives are about relationships and connecting, as well as the bottom line. In general, either flowers or a donation is an appropriate way to respond to a death in the family of a customer/client. However, the obituary often asks that, instead of flowers, contributions be made in memory of the deceased to organizations like the American Heart Association, a religious institution, the person’s alma mater, or a cause he supported. You can also check with the funeral home or the client’s office for such information.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It’s easy to donate. For example, at the American Cancer Society, just call 1-800-227-2345, or download and complete an online form from the website and mail with your check. Organizations will send to the bereaved a notification of your gift (without mentioning the amount, unless you wish it to be specified). The card might say something like, “In remembrance of (name of deceased), a memorial gift has been made to (name of organization) by (name of donor). Or it may say, “We’re pleased to inform you that a gift has been received by (name of charity) in memory of (name of deceased). This thoughtful gesture was made by (name of donor).” And sometimes the charity provides a card to you, saying, “A generous donation has been made to --- in memory of ---. Given by ---.” You sign your own name and mail it.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Another option is to send your own notification on your company letterhead, as in, “Dear Bob: I (or we) have made a donation in memory of your father to ---, as you wished. I (we) send heartfelt sympathy at this sad time.” Or, “On behalf of the employees of ---, we send our deepest condolences to you and your family on the death of your father. The company has made a donation in his memory to ----.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A nice benefit is the bereaved often keep these notifications and revisit them from time to time, remembering your thoughtfulness. (Flowers just die.) In addition, a donation is usually tax deductible.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><em><span class="font-size-2">Image by Mogens Engelund via Wikimedia Commons</span></em></p>Suggestions for Using a Photograph With an Obituarytag:connect.legacy.com,2014-12-31:1984035:BlogPost:6320872014-12-31T17:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/suggestions-for-using-a-photograph-with-an-obituary" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/TuH-vYM0DCydwSTvcqQwlj7fHIkewcnFZ4JF*eNzLGDBM2YSA7NuMMs4a*SvAlMlNlMBEfyjaTZFmeR8Qjwi1QbcfuvWARq-/Ernst_HartertSIZED.jpg?width=200" width="200"></img></a> Q. I’m preparing an obituary in advance for my elderly father and want to include a photograph. How much extra does a photo cost, and what are the guidelines? Also, what do you think about using a photo from 40 years ago when he was healthy and dashing?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The cost and requirements for an…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/suggestions-for-using-a-photograph-with-an-obituary" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/TuH-vYM0DCydwSTvcqQwlj7fHIkewcnFZ4JF*eNzLGDBM2YSA7NuMMs4a*SvAlMlNlMBEfyjaTZFmeR8Qjwi1QbcfuvWARq-/Ernst_HartertSIZED.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I’m preparing an obituary in advance for my elderly father and want to include a photograph. How much extra does a photo cost, and what are the guidelines? Also, what do you think about using a photo from 40 years ago when he was healthy and dashing?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The cost and requirements for an obituary photo vary depending on the newspaper, the size of the photo, the day of the week and how often the obit appears. A small paper might include a photo free of charge, or perhaps add a $50 fee to the cost of text. At a larger paper, a standard 27 line obituary with photo might be $386 – or $535 for 45 lines with photo. Major “national” papers might charge $1,200 or more for a 49-line obituary and photo.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You can probably email the photo to the paper. However, be sure to check the requirements and details for scanning, etc., which can vary. Chances are the publication won't accept a group photo, and will want you to have the picture "cropped" to eliminate the other people. Select a good quality photograph as well. A Polaroid is OK for your photo album, but it's usually not good enough for an obit.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It's entirely up to you whether to use a recent picture of your father or an old, more flattering shot. Some people wouldn't dream of using a 50-year-old photo of a 96-year-old. Others feel differently, and want the deceased to be remembered as young and full of vitality. One obituary for a grandmother used an obviously very early photo, and omitted details of age or date of birth at the deceased's request. In other cases, an old picture might be used because there are no recent ones available.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Incidentally, the newspaper may be willing to write and run free of charge what is called a "news obituary," including a photo – if the deceased is a well-known citizen (think political figure, entertainer, business leader or philanthropist). The death is considered "news" of interest to the general readership. For example, "news obituary" stories ran in top papers across the country when Ben Bradlee, executive editor of The Washington Post during the Watergate scandal, died recently.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">However, the deceased needn't be a national celebrity to qualify for a news obituary in a local paper. Just a big fish in a small pond will do.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, Messers. Eliott &amp; Fry. John Bale, Sons, &amp; Danielsson Ltd., London</em></p>7 Tips to Make It Easier to Talk to the Bereavedtag:connect.legacy.com,2014-11-28:1984035:BlogPost:6301902014-11-28T18:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/7-tips-to-make-it-easier-to-talk-to-the-bereaved" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/V0EnpUkUMSXR1g8SeKS*lLoCJs9r6rS8D3r1vBtMUC9NRzmxg-PPF4x8sfNX1fm4HGJVZxLPACO21Q37qaVtyCKZ42kDYsfz/Suggestion_boxHashMilhanWikisized.jpg?width=350" width="350"></img></a> Q. I recently spotted an acquaintance walking down the street and ducked into a store. His wife had died, and I didn't want him to see me because I didn't know what to say. I felt like a coward. Why is it so difficult to talk to someone in this situation?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The fact is the idea of facing any…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/7-tips-to-make-it-easier-to-talk-to-the-bereaved" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/V0EnpUkUMSXR1g8SeKS*lLoCJs9r6rS8D3r1vBtMUC9NRzmxg-PPF4x8sfNX1fm4HGJVZxLPACO21Q37qaVtyCKZ42kDYsfz/Suggestion_boxHashMilhanWikisized.jpg?width=350" width="350" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I recently spotted an acquaintance walking down the street and ducked into a store. His wife had died, and I didn't want him to see me because I didn't know what to say. I felt like a coward. Why is it so difficult to talk to someone in this situation?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The fact is the idea of facing any bereaved can bring strong men to their knees. Although women are generally more expressive, they also dread the experience. Two common reactions are to avoid the person who is grieving – or feel so uncomfortable that you talk too much to the person, which makes the encounter even more awkward.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Why do we react this way? Death is no longer an accepted part of the life cycle, as it was years ago, when life expectancy was much shorter. Death was less mysterious, and it often happened at home. Family members also lived close to each other and (along with neighbors), formed an on-the-spot support system for the bereaved. People felt connected to each other. Today we all want to live forever, and we don't want to be reminded of our own (or our loved ones') mortality.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">We're also confused about the purpose of expressing sympathy, which makes us feel helpless. We think we have to "fix" the situation and relieve the person's anguish and sorrow, which is, of course, impossible. It helps to understand that sympathy is simply an acknowledgement of what has happened. All you have to say is, "I'm so sorry for your loss" or, "I'm sad to hear about your (mother, wife, brother or uncle)." If the death was sudden and/or a tragedy, my response is often, "I don't know what to say to you." That's a powerful statement that sums up the enormity of what has occurred.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">What happens next? Pause and allow the person to respond. Listening is therapeutic for the bereaved, and can be a great gift. If conversation lags, you might ask, "How are you managing?" And to avoid feeling trapped, arm yourself with an appropriate exit line, such as, "I'm sorry you have to go through this." However, do not ask, "Is there anything I can do?" – which has become an automatic throwaway line – unless you really want to help.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It may take some practice to feel less anxious in the face of someone else's grief. But it's empowering, too.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, Hash Milhan</em></p>How to Ensure That Your Friends Will Be Notified of Your Deathtag:connect.legacy.com,2014-10-21:1984035:BlogPost:6274182014-10-21T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-ensure-that-your-friends-will-be-notified-of-your-death" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/NDILiAzzLEXv5cKMw8xQcEF6Pa9MGhdiDAynB8uTjuAInNmPixR8XfwFCgblEriET6JCW9-w0PZSqZOnLAkoSA60OYcOJ8QD/NotepadFlickrStephenDann.jpg?width=150" width="150"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3">Q. When a dear friend died several months ago, many of her friends (including me) had no idea what had happened. She lived abroad (alone), but stayed in touch — until she didn’t. It was as if she had vanished. We were left in limbo with so many unanswered questions. We only recently found out the…</span></em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-ensure-that-your-friends-will-be-notified-of-your-death" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/NDILiAzzLEXv5cKMw8xQcEF6Pa9MGhdiDAynB8uTjuAInNmPixR8XfwFCgblEriET6JCW9-w0PZSqZOnLAkoSA60OYcOJ8QD/NotepadFlickrStephenDann.jpg?width=150" width="150" class="align-left"/></a><span class="font-size-3">Q. When a dear friend died several months ago, many of her friends (including me) had no idea what had happened. She lived abroad (alone), but stayed in touch — until she didn’t. It was as if she had vanished. We were left in limbo with so many unanswered questions. We only recently found out the truth.</span></em></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">I’ve thought about this sad occurrence for quite a while, and I know I don’t want the same thing to happen when I die. Is there a way to make sure the news reaches people important to me, who might not see my obituary for geographical or other reasons? My friend’s death really hit me hard. Death can happen suddenly, from out of the blue. I want to be prepared.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You raise an important issue that we rarely consider — until an incident like your friend’s death reminds us that life is uncertain and fragile. Most of us do want others to know what became of us. Without this knowledge, survivors are deprived of a way to find closure and to grieve.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In your place, I would enlist a family member or friend to see that your wishes are followed when the time comes. You can arrange to send a card to a list of people who might not hear about your death through the usual channels. You might compile an address list now, and decide what you want the card to say. For example, one possibility is: “If you’ve received this card, you know that I have died. I have treasured our friendship, which has so enriched my life.” The card could include the cause of death, if you wish, as well as anything else you want to say. The salutation could be individualized as “Dear ---.” Or you can use a group salutation, such as, “To my friends.”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">One option, while you are alive and well, is to choose and purchase the card at a stationery store or online, or have one printed. Or the person you’ve designated can go ahead with the purchase or printing after your death. Another possibility is to send an online card. In my opinion, however, a tangible card that can be saved (and referred to again and again) is far superior.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">Many of us have far-flung friends who might never get the news unless we plan now.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons, <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/stephendann/" target="_blank">Stephen Dann</a></em></p>Dress Code Changing for Funeral Servicestag:connect.legacy.com,2014-09-17:1984035:BlogPost:6251502014-09-17T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/dress-code-changing-for-funeral-services" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/PE5R5HwPlsWYvaNcCQqkrGivVKfxiwUKM3f7xC2f2-ObxyQM7yEJSXH5tC8YOW1O9niRARmQpZYCeOAOgFdpdgxJUXsqThHr/funeraldresscodesFCCRyanBowman.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. Do I have to wear a dark suit and tie to my uncle’s funeral? My significant other says I should, but I want to wear a nice collared shirt and khakis. It seems to me everybody’s more casual these days. What’s your opinion?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I just went to a memorial service held in a church and wore a brown…</span></p>
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/dress-code-changing-for-funeral-services" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/PE5R5HwPlsWYvaNcCQqkrGivVKfxiwUKM3f7xC2f2-ObxyQM7yEJSXH5tC8YOW1O9niRARmQpZYCeOAOgFdpdgxJUXsqThHr/funeraldresscodesFCCRyanBowman.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. Do I have to wear a dark suit and tie to my uncle’s funeral? My significant other says I should, but I want to wear a nice collared shirt and khakis. It seems to me everybody’s more casual these days. What’s your opinion?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I just went to a memorial service held in a church and wore a brown below-the-knee dress, topped with a bright orange cardigan. I would never have considered the cardigan even a few years ago. But our society’s dress codes have changed so dramatically (and completely disappeared in some instances). In my case, I was attending a service that celebrated a friend’s life. She had died much too young after waging a long battle with brain cancer. She was someone full of life and energy and plans. I felt she would approve of my orange top.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In general, however, I think dress code depends on a few issues:</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><strong>(1) Are you a member of the immediate family?</strong> If so, you should set the tone for respect. Because it was your uncle who died, I feel you have leeway, unless your relationship with him was extremely close and/or you believe he would have expected formality.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><strong>(2) What does the immediate family want?</strong> Their wishes are paramount. You can ask them directly or check with another relative. You can also call the funeral home (or place of worship if the service is being held there) for dress code information.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><strong>(3) Is weather a problem?</strong> A suit can be too much to ask at a graveside service in summer in Florida or a snowy winter in North Dakota.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It’s true that we live in a society where some people wear hoodies and jeans at the office. Dressing down is not unusual at a Broadway show and even the Metropolitan Opera these days. However, let’s use common sense. If I was going to a funeral at St. Patrick’s Cathedral (or the equivalent in another denomination), I’d dress up. I might not if the venue was in an area of the country where very casual dress is the norm. However, shorts, polo shirts, and/or sneakers are always inappropriate, unless the deceased specifically requested that people wear them. Occasionally, someone who plans his/her own funeral or memorial service does include instructions for attendees’ attire. Perhaps more of us should consider offering such guidance in these times of “anything goes.” It would head off disagreements and agonized decision making.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons | Ryan Bowman</em></span></p>When Someone's Adult Sibling Diestag:connect.legacy.com,2014-09-04:1984035:BlogPost:6242282014-09-04T14:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-4"><b><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/when-someones-adult-sibling-dies" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/po*b5pjX*elMKRL2yjND0YD-TH*ilnSw*ZRPQu*eXpQ5p6*49SBY0oLJfDGqCgKqFrMjYi4FRZhtgyKM1wi5EkeBMB373XSW/siblings4.jpg?width=250" width="250"></img></a></i></b> <span class="font-size-3"><i>Q.</i> <i>My neighbor's elder sister died and I will be attending the funeral. I've met the sister a few times over the years, but I don't know much about their relationship. What should I say at a time like this?</i></span></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3" style="font-size: 14pt;">The loss of an adult…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-4"><b><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/when-someones-adult-sibling-dies" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/po*b5pjX*elMKRL2yjND0YD-TH*ilnSw*ZRPQu*eXpQ5p6*49SBY0oLJfDGqCgKqFrMjYi4FRZhtgyKM1wi5EkeBMB373XSW/siblings4.jpg?width=250" width="250" class="align-left"/></a></i></b><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q.</i> <i>My neighbor's elder sister died and I will be attending the funeral. I've met the sister a few times over the years, but I don't know much about their relationship. What should I say at a time like this?</i></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 14pt;" class="font-size-3">The loss of an adult sibling doesn't get much attention in our society. After all, it's not someone's parent or spouse who died. Yet the death of a sister or brother is a unique and difficult loss, according to Fredda Bruckner-Gordon, D.S.W. "When you lose a sibling, you're losing the only person who shares the same memories. This is the person who goes back the longest in your life," says Dr. Bruckner-Gordon, a family therapist in New York City.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Think about it. Who else remembers the family trips to the shore in the summer — or the day your father got fired, or your sixth-grade teacher. These memories (good and bad) helped shape you. They are part of the fabric of who you are. What a blow when the person who knows and understands is no longer here to validate your own experiences and/or broaden or soften your recollections.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Of course, it makes a difference whether the sibling relationship was a good one, and whether issues were resolved or not resolved. Some people spend their whole lives resenting siblings or feeling cheated by siblings who were favored by the parents. "It's a huge loss if you have resolved such issues and were close. If you have, it makes a tremendous difference because you're not likely to repeat patterns in the family of origin," says Bruckner-Gordon.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Your situation can be ticklish because you know little about the nature of the sibling relationship. The best thing to do is take a neutral position and talk about the death in the way you would any loss. A touch on the arm and a few words like, "I'm so sorry. This must be very hard," can bring comfort. It's also important to pause, allow the bereaved to talk, and simply listen.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You can respond differently when you're a close friend and know the background and what the relationship meant to the person. But either way, a loss is still a loss that calls into question the bereaved person's own mortality, especially if she or he is older. Someone who outlives siblings (and friends) can feel very alone in the world.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><em><span class="font-size-2">Image via Flickr Creative Commons, <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/12567713@N00/" target="_blank">Tom Brandt</a></span></em></p>Expert Advice for Offering Condolences in Messy Situationstag:connect.legacy.com,2014-07-28:1984035:BlogPost:6197192014-07-28T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My co-worker was in the middle of a messy divorce when her soon-to-be ex-husband died of a sudden heart attack. She has a 4-year-old son. My question is should I send a condolence note – and if I should, what can I say? It’s such a complex situation and I don’t want to write anything inappropriate.</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“Complex” is certainly the right word. In your place, I would send a note.…</span></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My co-worker was in the middle of a messy divorce when her soon-to-be ex-husband died of a sudden heart attack. She has a 4-year-old son. My question is should I send a condolence note – and if I should, what can I say? It’s such a complex situation and I don’t want to write anything inappropriate.</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“Complex” is certainly the right word. In your place, I would send a note. It’s always appropriate to express compassion and concern, regardless of the circumstances and who did what to whom. First and foremost, however, don’t make any assumptions about how your colleague feels. Anyone in this situation is likely to have lots of mixed feelings (including, possibly, guilt), and you don’t want to go there.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">This person also faces painful losses. She and her spouse loved each other once and created a child together, so there are lots of memories. Her son has lost his father, and she must comfort him and help him feel safe and cared for. She’s lost a partner with whom she could share parenting concerns and responsibilities. In addition, the financial fallout of his death could be positive or negative. You never know.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The best thing you can do is keep your note brief, so you don’t get into trouble. Focus on what you <i>do</i> know: The death was unexpected. Her son has had a devastating loss. This is a time of sadness and turmoil. And it is possible to respond in a kind, caring, supportive way.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You can write something like: “I just heard about Ron’s death. What a shock this must be,” or “I’m so sorry to hear about ---. I can’t imagine what you have to deal with.” Or, “It’s so sad to hear about ---. It’s hard to believe this could happen to such a young man. My heart goes out to your son Timothy.” </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You might close with a line such as: “You and your son are in my thoughts at this terrible (or difficult) time,” or simply, “I send my deepest condolences.” These lines also <span style="font-size: 16px;">can</span><span style="font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">be handwritten at the bottom of a printed, store-bought condolence card, if you prefer. However, choose a card that says only, “With Sympathy” or something comparably simple. You don’t want a “flowery” card full of sentiment – just one that conveys thoughtfulness and acknowledges the death.</span></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p></p>The Order of Service at a Funeraltag:connect.legacy.com,2014-06-20:1984035:BlogPost:6147722014-06-20T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. A friend of mine, who is planning her mother’s funeral, mentioned working with the funeral home on “the order of service.” I’ve never heard this term before. What exactly is the order of service?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I’ve had to plan three different funerals myself, and never heard of it either. Now I’m enlightened, thanks to your question. The order of service is essentially a program of how a funeral or memorial service will proceed.…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. A friend of mine, who is planning her mother’s funeral, mentioned working with the funeral home on “the order of service.” I’ve never heard this term before. What exactly is the order of service?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I’ve had to plan three different funerals myself, and never heard of it either. Now I’m enlightened, thanks to your question. The order of service is essentially a program of how a funeral or memorial service will proceed. The order of service may be a printed guide for attendees. Or the clergyman (or other officiant) will simply describe the schedule to follow. For example, an order of service may include music, prayers (for the bereaved, as well as the deceased), a reading of scriptures or poetry, eulogy (or eulogies), and perhaps a general sermon on the mysteries of life and death. The names of participants in each segment may be mentioned, along with an announcement of a reception (if there is one) following the service.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The order of service can be individualized to the deceased through selections of prayers or poetry that reflect his/her spirit or personality. Videos of the deceased may be included in some memorial services.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The details can differ, depending on the religion or denomination. But the idea is to ensure that this solemn occasion goes smoothly and tells attendees what to expect. The order of service can be especially helpful when you attend a funeral in an unfamiliar religion. Because it lays out exactly what will take place, the program makes you feel less like a stranger. The order of service is also a memento you can place in an album if you wish, and revisit from time to time. A Quaker order of service may include an obituary.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">However, not all religions use a printed or spoken program. For example, Hindu and Islamic funerals do not include an order of service. Printed versions may be available at Jewish funerals, or the rabbi may mention the proceedings to follow.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">An order of service can also be used at a stand-alone graveside funeral. The upside of a graveside funeral is it’s usually much simpler, smaller, and less costly than a full-scale funeral. On the other hand, there is less flexibility in the program. For example, music would probably not be included. This is also not the place for multiple eulogies, although brief remembrances may work.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p></p>The Basics of Hospice Caretag:connect.legacy.com,2014-05-27:1984035:BlogPost:6131602014-05-27T14:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><b><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/the-basics-of-hospice-care" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/uxLbwSVx3LuqOSCwZ8OG6vXLzi83K6IqFsTbdGnnQCWYg67ujk71wQcke7JVERl5kYBd*ugUJ82SLTWu*-JqIQBm*XiOSimd/hospice_Mayr_flickr_225.jpg?width=225" width="225"></img></a></i></b> <i>Q.</i> <i>I’m going to visit a friend who is receiving hospice care at home. I don’t know exactly how hospice works, and would feel more comfortable if I had some basic information. Can you educate me?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">As I researched the answer to your question, I was astonished to learn that about 45 percent of…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><b><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/the-basics-of-hospice-care" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/uxLbwSVx3LuqOSCwZ8OG6vXLzi83K6IqFsTbdGnnQCWYg67ujk71wQcke7JVERl5kYBd*ugUJ82SLTWu*-JqIQBm*XiOSimd/hospice_Mayr_flickr_225.jpg?width=225" width="225" class="align-left"/></a></i></b><i>Q.</i> <i>I’m going to visit a friend who is receiving hospice care at home. I don’t know exactly how hospice works, and would feel more comfortable if I had some basic information. Can you educate me?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">As I researched the answer to your question, I was astonished to learn that about 45 percent of all deaths in the United States involve hospice care, with the majority of patients dying at home, according to the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization. The first hospice program was launched back in 1974, and there are now more than 5,300 programs (covering every state) throughout the country. Hospice’s mission is providing compassionate care for the terminally ill. The goal is to improve quality of life, keep the patient comfortable and pain-free and ease other symptoms and distress. An interdisciplinary team offers pain management; drugs and treatment; and emotional, psychological and spiritual help. The team also teaches the family how to provide care. Hospice staffs are on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Care can be provided not only in the patient’s own home, but also wherever the patient resides, such as in a nursing home or long-term-care facility -- as well as at freestanding hospice facilities or in hospitals. The hospice team may include the patient’s doctor, the hospice physician, a registered nurse, home health aide, chaplain, social worker and volunteers. The latter may perform tasks such as transportation or errands, or just “be there” for both patient and family. Volunteers can give family members respite from the draining stress and sadness each day brings.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">An estimated 1.6 million patients received hospice services in the U.S. in 2012. In approximately 36 percent of cases, patients received less than seven days of care; 27 percent of patients received 8-29 days; 17 percent spent 30-89 days in hospice care; 20 percent spent 90-180+ days or more. The overwhelming majority of patients were 65 or older. Few people realize, however, that hospice help does not stop when the patient dies. Trained bereavement counselors are available for up to a year following the death to help grieving family members deal with the loss.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Hospice care at home (or other places where the patient resides) is covered by Medicare, Medicaid and most private insurance plans. However, coverage may not be available at other locations.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I know personally how supportive hospice care can be. Hospice helped two of my cousins to die with dignity.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons / Mayr</em></span></p>The Basics: How to Write a Parent's Obituary in Advancetag:connect.legacy.com,2014-04-17:1984035:BlogPost:6097142014-04-17T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/the-basics-how-to-write-a-parents-obituary-in-advance" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/LWw0InctTwmkZ3FLNZvskUJHrncPY5SKQArYp*Osc7Ru4FbdIR0Z*UFWBahzRetODV90J97PyhuYUXK8RBhRigQCeJLVBa*1/penandpaperFlickrRamunasGeciauskas.jpg?width=240" width="240"></img></a> Q. My friend’s father just died unexpectedly, which left the family scrambling to write an obituary for him. Their experience made me think about writing an obit for my own 75-year-old father now – while I have the time and composure. If I do it now, I can also ask him questions about what information he’d want me to include or…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/the-basics-how-to-write-a-parents-obituary-in-advance" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/LWw0InctTwmkZ3FLNZvskUJHrncPY5SKQArYp*Osc7Ru4FbdIR0Z*UFWBahzRetODV90J97PyhuYUXK8RBhRigQCeJLVBa*1/penandpaperFlickrRamunasGeciauskas.jpg?width=240" width="240" class="align-left"/></a>Q. My friend’s father just died unexpectedly, which left the family scrambling to write an obituary for him. Their experience made me think about writing an obit for my own 75-year-old father now – while I have the time and composure. If I do it now, I can also ask him questions about what information he’d want me to include or survivors he’d want mentioned. Can you advise me on how to get started?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This sounds like a wonderful idea to me. It will not only save you a lot of anxiety and trouble later on. The process of composing the obit and conferring with your dad about the contents can also be an opportunity to learn a lot more about him and to bond in a special way.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The bare-bones basics begin with the name of the person, age, occupation (if applicable), place and date of death, and usually cause of death (such as complications of diabetes or “died in his sleep”).</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Depending on the length, you might talk about his accomplishments, as in, “He was a high school dropout, who went on to found the XYZ Company and eventually run for Congress.” Or you may want to take a different approach, as in, “He was an ordinary man with a big heart, who loved his family and community dearly.” You might mention the date and place of his birth, and medical history if desired (as in, “He had a heart transplant five years ago.”) The list of survivors should include his mate, children, grandchildren (if any), and anyone else he chooses.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You can list the date, time and location of the funeral – or say something like, “A private funeral and a memorial will be held at a later date.” If you wish, mention where donations can be made, as in “In lieu of flowers, send contributions in memory of (name) to the American Cancer Society.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">There are countless ways to begin an obituary and choices of information to include (or not). For different formats and ideas, take a look at obituaries in a few newspapers. Incidentally, be aware that your father may have strong ideas for the obituary and want to participate – or he may just say, “I’ll leave it to you.” Everybody’s different. Regardless, one hopes he’ll be willing to answer a few questions. Your idea is a worthy one.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons/</em><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/qisur/" class="owner-name truncate" title="Go to Ramunas Geciauskas's photostream" style="font-size: 13px;">Ramunas Geciauskas</a></p>Arlington National Cemetery Burial Isn't Limited to Heroes, Government VIPstag:connect.legacy.com,2014-03-18:1984035:BlogPost:6067732014-03-18T18:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><em><span class="font-size-3" style="color: #888888;"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/arlington-national-cemetery-burial-isnt-limited-to-heroes" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/sTg6vyO*vvHkIQCyyV2qc6ZCXM4iuozz1aHufSSaHDKoJi0ofdOmoa6oSu3CYJwMaju4y1ZQE7Xdw5y43uP58w9vp5RgrsqX/Tombstones_at_Arlington_National_Cemetery_July_2006_ByWikimediaCommonsByS.Chua.jpg?width=200" width="200"></img></a> <span style="color: #000000;">Q. I heard that an acquaintance of mine, who just died, is going to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery. Is that possible? He was just an ordinary guy. I thought you had to be a military hero or someone important in the government. Also, how much does it…</span></span></em></p>
<p><em><span style="color: #888888;" class="font-size-3"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/arlington-national-cemetery-burial-isnt-limited-to-heroes" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/sTg6vyO*vvHkIQCyyV2qc6ZCXM4iuozz1aHufSSaHDKoJi0ofdOmoa6oSu3CYJwMaju4y1ZQE7Xdw5y43uP58w9vp5RgrsqX/Tombstones_at_Arlington_National_Cemetery_July_2006_ByWikimediaCommonsByS.Chua.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left"/></a><span style="color: #000000;">Q. I heard that an acquaintance of mine, who just died, is going to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery. Is that possible? He was just an ordinary guy. I thought you had to be a military hero or someone important in the government. Also, how much does it cost?</span></span></em></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">We tend to assume that burial at Arlington National Cemetery is only for heroes and the high and mighty. After all, it’s hard to imagine a greater honor. Yet many other people are actually candidates for Arlington, as well.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">Interment of casketed or cremated remains is possible at no cost for those who are eligible. The latter include most active duty members of the Armed Forces, retired members, former members who were honorably discharged from the last active duty, and winners of the Medal of Honor, Purple Heart, Silver Star or certain other medals. Prisoners of war who served honorably and died on or after Nov. 30, 1993, can be interred at Arlington, too.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">The eligible also include elected officials of the U.S. government; the chief justice and associate justices of the U.S. Supreme Court; and certain other public servants. The spouses and minor children of anyone eligible for Arlington are entitled to burial there, as well. There is no charge for any services at Arlington unless the next of kin want a private headstone or vault rather than what the government provides. Military honors can be provided for enlisted Armed Forces personnel, officers and their dependents.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">There is a catch, however. Roughly 7,000 people are buried at Arlington every year. It can take from several weeks to several months to schedule funeral services, depending on the volume at the time, chapel availability, special requests by families and other factors. Not every family is willing to wait. In one recent case, next of kin were told it would take three or four weeks for the funeral to take place – and possibly longer. The bereaved ultimately opted for a funeral at a time of their choice and found a military cemetery a few hours from their home. The deceased was buried there with military honors. His widow will be buried there as well.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">For information on specific documentation necessary for Arlington burial and other details, see the websites <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.arlingtoncemetery.mil/ContactUS"><span style="color: #000000; text-decoration: underline;">www.arlingtoncemetery.mil/ContactUS</span></a></span> and <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.arlingtoncemetery.mil/funeralinformation"><span style="color: #000000; text-decoration: underline;">www.arlingtoncemetery.mil/funeralinformation</span></a></span>. Or call (877) 907-8585. Arlington National Cemetery is open seven days a week, 365 days a year.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, S. Chua</em></span></p>Tips for Holding a Memorial Service Months After the Funeraltag:connect.legacy.com,2014-02-19:1984035:BlogPost:6038522014-02-19T17:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/tips-for-holding-a-memorial-service-months-after-the-funeral" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/8XZ9tNduvb0b38B2U5N9tWO4QPk-ORvLzc94RSs2JeYZx106XIyWTmhPuruYqNtvgee7UbEsj7na70fEvSgyE-y02Ro7qFIA/twocandlesbymoralist.jpg?width=250" width="250"></img></a> Q. Can you have a funeral followed by a memorial service at a later date for the same loved one? I want a memorial service for my father on what would have been his birthday, although the funeral was eight months ago. Would it be appropriate? Will it make people sad?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The body…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/tips-for-holding-a-memorial-service-months-after-the-funeral" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/8XZ9tNduvb0b38B2U5N9tWO4QPk-ORvLzc94RSs2JeYZx106XIyWTmhPuruYqNtvgee7UbEsj7na70fEvSgyE-y02Ro7qFIA/twocandlesbymoralist.jpg?width=250" width="250" class="align-left"/></a>Q. Can you have a funeral followed by a memorial service at a later date for the same loved one? I want a memorial service for my father on what would have been his birthday, although the funeral was eight months ago. Would it be appropriate? Will it make people sad?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The body of the deceased is not present at a memorial service. Sometimes there are no remains or the body may have been buried in a foreign country. But a memorial service can also be held months (or longer) after a normal funeral or a graveside service. It is not an unusual thing to do, and might be scheduled on a meaningful holiday or the anniversary of the death – or, as in this case, on the deceased’s birthday.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Yes, the service will summon up sadness. Yet it obviously also will prove healing for you – and, I suspect, for others who choose to attend. Talking and thinking about the person who is gone with others who knew him is a positive, nourishing experience – not something to be feared – and can help family and friends move through the grieving experience. Also remember that people who went to the funeral, but want to skip this event, can stay home. Attendance is not mandatory. Conversely, the service offers another chance for people who couldn’t get to the funeral to pay their respects if they wish.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It’s a second chance for you, too, because you’re free of the stress that surrounds every funeral. You have time to plan and are emotionally more able to cope with the details of the service. You can calmly think through the kind of service you desire and make it happen. For example, you might want to open the memorial service to a larger crowd if the funeral was limited to closest family and friends. Or not. Whatever your decision, the purpose is twofold: closure and peace.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Many services are followed by a luncheon or other gathering. It’s up to you what form it takes. I remember attending a memorial service that was held in a hotel, long after the funeral. People took turns relating their memories of the deceased. A great deal of laughter accompanied the tears. The same type of gathering works in a simple setting – at home, for example, if that feels right to you.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons/Moralist</em></span></p>The Latest News on Bereavement Leave for Employeestag:connect.legacy.com,2014-02-11:1984035:BlogPost:6027182014-02-11T18:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><em><span class="font-size-3">Q. My brother is now in hospice care, and I will be in charge of the funeral arrangements. Am I entitled to bereavement leave from my employer?</span></em></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You probably are if you live in Oregon. Effective Jan. 1, 2014, Oregon became the first state to require employers with 25 or more employees that are subject to the Oregon Family Leave Act to offer up to two weeks of leave…</span></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><em><span class="font-size-3">Q. My brother is now in hospice care, and I will be in charge of the funeral arrangements. Am I entitled to bereavement leave from my employer?</span></em></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You probably are if you live in Oregon. Effective Jan. 1, 2014, Oregon became the first state to require employers with 25 or more employees that are subject to the Oregon Family Leave Act to offer up to two weeks of leave</span> <span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">–</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">although not necessarily paid leave</span> <span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">–</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">after the death of a family member, including a same-sex domestic partner. The employee must have worked for 20 or more work weeks in the year of the leave or the year before.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">As for paid bereavement leave, the benefit is offered by 87 percent of employers in the U.S. (separate from vacations, sick and personal leave), according to a 2013 research report by the Society of Human Resource Management. However, the amount of paid time available can vary, depending on factors like travel distance to the funeral and whether the employee must handle funeral and estate arrangements. The report found a slight increase in organizations offering paid leave compared to 2009, although companies offering any type of bereavement leave actually declined.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"We’re one of the only industrialized countries in the world that don’t offer mandatory paid leave for bereavement,” says Bruce Elliott, manager of compensation and benefits for the society. To date, Congress has defeated proposals for paid leave for the death of a child, due at least partially to concern about the effects on small businesses.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The society's report notes that benefits apply to full-time, active employees for the death of a spouse, child, parent or parent-in-law, grandparent, grandchild, sibling, stepparent, stepsibling, stepson or stepdaughter</span> <span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">–</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and often for a very close nonfamily member as well, such as a best friend. For example, the leave might be three days for the death of a close relative; one day off in other cases. Small companies are less likely to offer paid bereavement leave than large ones.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">In your place, I’d talk to human resources right now to clarify whether and how you’re covered for bereavement leave. Be aware that many large companies have employee assistance plans that include grief counseling and possibly other services such as baby-sitting help for your children while you attend to funeral and estate details. It’s worth checking out.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
<p></p>Top 10 Things Not to Say to the Bereavedtag:connect.legacy.com,2013-12-19:1984035:BlogPost:5971532013-12-19T17:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/top-ten-list-what-not-to-say-to-the-bereaved" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/7TcBzbi1eXrwg6oOLzjNyWsD7xGU227*3GNJrIqMJkivHgciOQco4U8Xv28cE5dXQdZsthy7g3Q7MpjvUW3TlpkCGzcp52Ml/condolence122313.jpg?width=200" width="200"></img></a> Q. During a recent funeral, I overheard someone tell the adopted son of the deceased, “Well, at least it’s easier for you that he wasn’t your real father.” How can people be so insensitive? The son was speechless.</i></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Some people do speak inappropriately to…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/top-ten-list-what-not-to-say-to-the-bereaved" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/7TcBzbi1eXrwg6oOLzjNyWsD7xGU227*3GNJrIqMJkivHgciOQco4U8Xv28cE5dXQdZsthy7g3Q7MpjvUW3TlpkCGzcp52Ml/condolence122313.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left"/></a>Q. During a recent funeral, I overheard someone tell the adopted son of the deceased, “Well, at least it’s easier for you that he wasn’t your real father.” How can people be so insensitive? The son was speechless.</i></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Some people do speak inappropriately to grieving family members, although this is one of the more outrageous examples. Usually the trigger is extreme anxiety. Someone doesn’t know what to say and feels so uncomfortable about it that he/she spouts anything that comes to mind. Here are my nominations for the “Do-Not-Say List”:</span></p>
<ol>
<li><span class="font-size-3"><strong>“I know how you feel.”</strong> Why? Because you don’t know how someone else feels, even if you think you do.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“How are you?”</strong> The bereaved’s unspoken retort may be, “How do you think I am?”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“It’s better this way.”</strong> Someone actually said this to a person who lost both parents in a </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">car crash. The speaker meant, “At least they’ll be together,” but the grieving child didn’t feel that way.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“You must feel [angry, devastated, etc.].”</strong> Feelings can run the gamut depending on the relationship with the deceased, circumstances of death and other factors. Why go there at all?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“My second cousin lost her brother, too.”</strong> Nobody’s interested in stories about people they don’t know. “I lost my own brother,” although less objectionable, is still irrelevant.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“It’s God’s will.”</strong> You may feel that way, but many bereaved feel furious at hearing this. Bringing religion into it is very dangerous.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“You’ve got a long road ahead of you.”</strong> Do you think the person doesn’t know it? How is this supposed to help someone who is grieving?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“The pain will fade.”</strong> You may think so, but the bereaved may feel you’re devaluing the intensity of his/her grief.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“I hope good memories will comfort you.”</strong> Unless you’re very close to the bereaved, you don’t know if that’s true. Family relationships can be very troubled.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>“Is there anything I can do?”</strong> The person will always say “no” because he/she is in no condition to think of what needs to be done. If you really want to help, suggest specific tasks you might handle, such as airport pickups of out-of-town guests who are flying in to attend the funeral.</span></li>
</ol>
<p><span class="font-size-3"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Brevity and sincerity avoids such traps, of course. People can never go wrong by saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss (or about your mother).” Period.</span></p>
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<center><p><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><i>Image: Flickr Creative Commons, Jesslee Cuizon</i></span></p>What to Say When Someone Dies of AIDStag:connect.legacy.com,2013-12-01:1984035:BlogPost:5949712013-12-01T12:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Sincere_Condolences
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/what-to-say-when-someone-dies-of-aids" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/mx*zwIsB58l3rmYBUlFMgX0mKxDTp0A-oSPy0G-zh2H6jeZmmfl*VaK23hDlg7xvbNaEmdxF9nhWJZKi-M71Qr*HRMr6XYeF/Ac.redribbon.jpg?width=100" width="100"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. What can I say or write to someone whose brother just died of AIDS? I haven’t heard much about AIDS in recent years, except for newspaper stories about epidemics in Africa. I thought people were living with it in the United States — that it was treatable. Also, I don’t know the circumstances. Is it OK to ask questions?…</i></span></p>
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<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/what-to-say-when-someone-dies-of-aids" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/mx*zwIsB58l3rmYBUlFMgX0mKxDTp0A-oSPy0G-zh2H6jeZmmfl*VaK23hDlg7xvbNaEmdxF9nhWJZKi-M71Qr*HRMr6XYeF/Ac.redribbon.jpg?width=100" width="100" class="align-left"/></a><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. What can I say or write to someone whose brother just died of AIDS? I haven’t heard much about AIDS in recent years, except for newspaper stories about epidemics in Africa. I thought people were living with it in the United States — that it was treatable. Also, I don’t know the circumstances. Is it OK to ask questions?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You’re right. Huge progress has been made in treatment for the human immunodeficiency virus that causes AIDS, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t still dying. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an estimated 15,529 people diagnosed with AIDS died in 2010, the latest year for which statistics are available. The incidence has stabilized at about 50,000 new HIV infections a year in this country. (HIV compromises the immune system and gradually destroys the body’s infection-fighting abilities. AIDS is the full-blown disease.)</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">HIV and AIDS used to be mentioned in hushed tones and whispers, but they’ve become less frightening and mysterious today. Treatment advances have increased life expectancy dramatically, making it possible for many patients in this country to live long lives. Today more than 1.1 million Americans live with HIV.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">As for asking questions, I advise not. People very close to the bereaved already know the story. If you’re not close, as I assume is the case, it is inappropriate to probe for details. However, I can tell you that the highest-risk populations for AIDS include men who have unprotected sex with other men, drug users who share contaminated needles or syringes, sexual partners of people with HIV and certain others.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">What you can do is respect the family’s privacy and simply express sincere condolences and concern, as in, “I’m so sorry to hear that your brother died.” If you wish, you can add, “How are you managing?” It’s important to focus on the person who is grieving, rather than your own anxious feelings and discomfort. If you write a sympathy note or send a card, you can say something like, “My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I send my deepest condolences.” Brief is always best because there really is nothing else to say and it keeps you out of trouble, especially in a situation such as this. The loss can be complicated for the bereaved. This is not an ordinary death because HIV is usually preventable. The bereaved may feel anger and frustration, as well as sadness and grief.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank"><img width="80" align="right" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UiDeygB5L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg"/></a><em><a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is the author of several books on etiquette, including <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/Deepest-Sympathies-Meaningful-Sentiments-Conversations-ebook/dp/B0037BS2XQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1438010799&amp;sr=1-5&amp;keywords=florence+isaacs" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes...</a>. She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=38kqalaschsre" target="_self">Sincere Condolences</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/list?user=00bh4am1gse3m" target="_self">Widow in the World</a>, a blog for bereaved spouses and partners.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, RobotE</em></span></p>