Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.

(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.Alan: How much are you paying him?Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.Alan: Playboy?Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

Alan: Hey, are you alright?Charlie: No, I'm not.Alan: What's going on?Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.

Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?Alan: Uh, laundry room.Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!

(talking about condoms)Russel: Whenever you're dealing with a manufactured product, there's always gonna be flaws in the process.Charlie: Yeah, but aren't they supposed to be tested before they go out, or in?Russel: Well, sure, but they don't test every one.Charlie: They don't?Russel: Masturbating's looking better and better, huh?