A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair
weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. -Robert Frost
“If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your
ancestors and all of them got laid.”– Bill Murray
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think
of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if
the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of
ain't funny.” – Mitch Hedberg
A quick word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me,
she said ”no”. -Woody Allen
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
-Groucho Marx
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. -
Bill Murray

The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected. -
Will Rogers
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? -Edgar Bergen
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.-
Anonymous
“Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.”–
Bill MurrayThree can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -Benjamin
Franklin

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
-Groucho MarxIf you can’t beat them, arrange to have
them beaten.
-George Carlin
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
-George Bernard ShawFirst Part
Funny Quotes