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27 Jun 2013

Hospital Chronicles #1

When people say love is a weakness, I never believed it. I wondered how the strongest positive emotion that anyone can feel can become something that will disable them.

Turns out, it is.

As as it happens, I'm pretty useless when it comes to my mother. She is that single, most important person for whom I should be willing and able to do anything but apparently only the former is true. I'm only willing, my existence is pointless when it comes to doing something for her when she really needs it.

She's in the hospital for surgery now; Inshallah she will be out of here before the week ends.

But when it came to being strong enough to be her rock, I'm ashamed to say I folded faster than a pack of cards. She can't depend on me when she is weak for I can't bear to see her like that. I. Just. Can't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm capable - I can do anything else, everything else for her. If I don't know, I will learn. I can run the household, take care of the dogs and cats, look into insurance, check the administrative blabla, call the nurse and whatnot but when she needs someone, family, next to her to assure her that everything is okay, I am useless. If I end up being by her side, she'll be the one doing the assuring and I'll be shamelessly weeping my face off.

So I'll plug my earphones in, update nonsense on Facebook, share songs like crazy on #nwplying, play Snoopy Coaster and whatsapp everyone in the world to pretend that everything is alright with my world. Lying to my own mind that everything is just fine and praying real, real hard. Because the alternative is not anything that I even want to think about.

Crux of the matter, I hope I don't love anyone as much. Not now, not ever. For this kind of love makes me weak when I want to be the rock that she can lean on anytime, any day.

It's okay to feel that way, Everyone can't be the rock. In my family, the strongest will is that of papa, then mummy and then it's me. One must appreciate that even if you can't be the rock to assure her, comfort her, you can help the situation by doing other things like you mentioned. Everyone has a role, find yours and help. It's a good thing if you can put up a brave face in front of the world even if you break down only in front of that one person. It shows that you feel yourself with that person and that you care.

Aww you are a ball of cuteness you know? I will pray for your mother that she heals soon and is back being your support :)Don't think that you fail her at being her support. Majority of us don't stand the test when it is our mother. We can stay strong and console everyone on this earth but there's only one person who has to do it for us all her life :)

Everything WILL BE alright, dear! It is not a bad thing to be as you are, it just shows how much you love her. Yes, true that she needs you to be strong for her. But it is also true that it is such an impossible task when a loved one is sick.

Mom will be alright. Don't worry. I had been in your shoes when ma mom underwent hysterectomy few years back; I felt completely useless. My dad n relatives had to console me more than anyone. Prayers with ya always.

I hope your mother gets better soon PeeVee. And believe me, even if think you are not able to act like the rock that your mum can lean one, of course you ARE the one that is giving her strength in a difficult time like this. God Bless.

Its normal for us to be like that. We sometimes do not know how to react to situations which are emotionally heavy on us, that too for which we do not have prior experiences. Your Mom will get better, you will get better(at being the rock that people can lean on), it always happens. So go on and be your cheerful best, that will be do for her.