When my kids were younger, I always got a little jumpy whenever anyone called from school, even though they were sure to begin by saying, “There’s nothing to worry about, Mrs. Gruen, but. . .” (Why was there always a “but?”)

Usually these calls meant that one of the offspring has sprung a fever or been gripped by a stomach ache, often coinciding with a test. Over the years, I also received my share of calls to report minor misbehavior in class. Oddly, I found this reassuring. I mean, perfectly behaved kids aren’t normal. I like “normal.”

These years are behind me now, and I couldn’t be more relieved. With three sons (and one daughter), I’m glad my kids were born before much of classic boyish behavior became syndromized, and given clinical names.

However, my poor friend Joni, whose kids are much younger than mine, is dealing with this right now. This morning, just as she was going to hop into her mom-mobile to hit the gym, the caller ID on her BlackBerry showed the school’s number. Like all moms in the same situation, she instructed her stomach not to lurch needlessly and answer the call. Her 6-year-old son’s teacher, Ms. Willett, dispensed with any preliminaries and said, “We need to talk about Kyle.”

I’ll let Joni take the story from here: “I was so freaked out that I couldn’t even feel any relief that I wouldn’t make the spinning class, which I really hate anyway. Twenty minutes later I sat across from Ms. Willett in the classroom and listened as she listed Kyle’s many offenses. These included singing ‘Climb Aboard the Space Ship’ during ‘quiet time,’ sneaking his fruit snacks into the rabbit cage, and pulling down his pants during Sharing Time.

“I admit, the flashing incident came as a shock, and Bill and I will speak to him about this in no uncertain terms. But honest to God, what else do teachers expect? She had just finished teaching a unit called the ‘Joy of the Body’ and had begun one on the ‘Joy of Spontaneous Delight.’ She can’t have it both ways. If she wants to teach a bunch of 6-year-olds about the joys of spontaneity she’s asking for it, especially with boys.

“But the final straw was the previous day’s visit by two members of the Fire Department and their tour of a real fire engine. I thought: uh-oh. Nothing excites Kyle more than seeing fire trucks and fire fighters in uniform, not even pulling down his pants during Sharing Time. He was so excited that he kept shouting out questions at the firefighters, without raising his hand. Then he cut in front of Amber while waiting his turn to climb up on the truck, and she burst into tears.”

Ms. Willett told Joni that these behaviors indicated that Kyle may have “control issues” and required more “sensitivity” on matters of gender. In addition to remediation in these areas, she recommended that Joni have Kyle tested for ADD. And that’s when my friend could take no more.

“I was so angry I bolted from my small yellow plastic chair and knocked it over,” Joni said. “Ms. Willett must think Kyle gets his impulsiveness from me. I told her that maybe instead of testing for ADD or control issues we ought to test him for testosterone and natural childlike exuberance, and that I’d bet he’d test positive. I also told her that if this kid were a finished product, she and I would both be out of jobs!”

Poor Joni. Her only satisfaction was that she got in the last word before storming out of Ms. Willett’s classroom. That, and telling her husband that their son had been officially diagnosed as a boy. They are now considering home-schooling. Who can blame them?

5 responses to “OFF THE NOODLE: Diagnosis: Male”

I don’t know why behaviors have to be gender linked at all – forgetting to raise hands, impulsivitiy are normal behaviors for any 6 year old, boy or girl. I don’t have sons, I have daughters but appropriate behavior standards are the same for me, regardless of the sex of the child.

We have 6/12 year old twin BOYS…and they are BOYS! When I consulted one of their previous teachers about the current issues we’re seeing in school – forgetting to raise hand, impulsive (but eager to learn), etc…she told me this…’LOVE them for who they are!’ If they are excited – great! Only worry about it if they are rude / mean / disrespectful…which they are not. I LOVE this article!

We also have a 5 year old daughter who has learned some of the ‘boy ways’…and I think it just makes her a well-rounded princess

I completely agree. I had similar issues with my son. It’s like kids aren’t allowed to be kids anymore. They are expected to be small adults, which is only made worse (in my opinion) for kids who have a parent staying home, who have not really had that kind of setting before compared to kids who have been in daycare for parts of their lives. I am so grateful that my son, now in 2nd grade, has grown past alot of that, and I don’t have phone calls from the school telling me that my son “isnt prepared for school today, please come pick him up.” (Or the heart attacks associated with it).

On the downside, I have my daughter starting preschool soon, and well she is a tomboy, so I am sure that may lead to a few phone calls.

I love your line ” if this kid were a finished product, she and I would both be out of jobs!”. I’m going to steal it from time to time if you don’t mind. I can’t believe that’s the first time Ms Willett saw any kind of ambition from kids! Hopefully next year’s teacher is a little better. I like this post. All teachers are not like her, and maybe Ms Willett will get more understanding (or is the wine already gone bad and instead of getting better, she’ll get more sour)

Exactly! There’s actually a lot of research out there about how schools today are not exactly boy-friendly. I highly recommend the work of Leonard Sax and Michael Gurian.

My boys are homeschooled, but recently began taking 2 classes per day at school. Within a matter of weeks, I’d gotten a note home telling me, in underlined words, that my 10-yr-old was drawing inappropriate pictures of killing. I talked to my son, who showed me the pic. It was a picture of a shark eating a surfboarder.