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Bachelor Recap: Ben, You Jamaica Me Crazy!

The dates happened. The Fantasy Suites were occupied three different times. Still, one of the three remaining women goes home. Here’s what transpired on this week’s episode of The Bachelor:

The overnight dates were filmed in Ocho Rios, Jamaica, at the Sandals Royal Plantation back in November. But we see now that Ben and his trifecta of girlfriends enjoyed a series of romantic overnight dates in this beautiful land where, as Ben helpfully pointed out to the audience of below-average intelligence, that the “water is blue”. And clouds are white and ice is cold and your wardrobe is lacking.

BEN AND CAILA

The first date goes to Caila, who shows up in what can only be a Fabletics sports bra and jean shorts. UGH! Is that considered clothing? Get dressed, young lady!

They take a ferry thru the jungle of Jamaica. But it looks to me like they’re actually on the log rafts at Disneyland traveling across the Rivers of America to get over to Tom Sawyer’s Island. HA!

Caila is, per usual, SUPER awkward and quiet during their ride down the river, and it was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes of the night (well, until the next time she takes “a ride down the river”); she was freaking out because she wanted to say “I love you,” but wanted to talk more without ruining the mood.

“I wanted to tell him I love him…” but there are other real conversations I want to have with him…

So basically she wanted to have a serious talk but not ruin the day with a serious talk.

Evening Date

After the sun sets she finally told him that this, unlike any other relationship she’s had, felt right — and that she is, in fact, in love with him.

“There’s nothing in my gut telling me this is wrong. This just feels right. I want to tell you that I’m in love with you.”

Kiss. Kiss. French Kiss. Kiss. Tonsil Hockey. Kiss. Tongue. Kiss.

Caila then tells the cameras, “I can tell it in his breath that he feels the same way.”

Wait? In his breath? Did he breathe on a window and write it? I don’t even know what that means. What a bizarre comment!

Fantasy Suite Card

“I think we should take advantage of this fantasy suite card,” says Caila. And one another, presumably.

There are fireworks. To which Caila says “It feels so great to see fireworks in his eyes,” apparently not realizing the fireworks are in the sky. “Water is blue”

They awake in the morning and have some coffee in bed at which time Caila tells Ben “I could see myself waking up next to you for the rest of my life.” I love that “we woke up as a couple.”

BEN AND LAUREN

Lauren enters the scene walking like she hasn’t poop in three weeks and sporting a bippy top and jean shorts. She runs into Ben’s arms. And they embrace.

“Lauren has a genuine joy and authenticity to her,” Ben tells the cameras.

For their date, they participate in the releasing of a baby turtle nest. “My day is filled with cuteness,“ says Ben.

The itty bitty turtles they set free into the sea are each as small as Lauren’s bikini top.

Next, they sit down on a blanket on the beach to chit chat about how much Ben enjoyed meeting Lauren’s family last week. Then they run into the ocean water, under a double rainbow, where they kiss for a long time.

Evening Date

They’re at a bar listening to reggae music, laughing and kissing before they sit down for a meal, but don’t actually eat anything. There, Lauren opens up about how she’s truly feeling about Ben. She struggled this last week knowing there are two other relationships in the mix. “The last thing I want for you, is for you to hold any of this in,” Ben tells her.

“Ben, you are THEE man of my dreams. This is very real for me. I can envision you with my family in the future.”

“I don’t know where he lies with other women,” Lauren tells the cameras. (Well, Lauren, I hate to break it to you but where “he lies” is in the bed with other women in his fantasy suites.

“Do us?” Whoa, keep it PG, sister! This is a family show. And by family, I mean dysfunctional families who are watching this together. From the basement where they live.

While in the suite, Lauren tells Ben she’s completely in love with him.

Ben’s response catches all of us off guard: “I have no doubt that you’re someone who doesn’t just jump into things. For me, I’ve known I’m in love with you for a while as well.”

Oh my gosh, Ben is the first Bachelor to say “I love you” before the final rose ceremony!

They make out like teenagers and then the drapes are drawn and the lights go down. I’m not sure what happened next. But since he’s a Christian, I pray they had a bible study. In Jesus name, Amen.

In the morning, we see her sashimi-like outfit crumpled on the floor.

“Honey, I made breakfast,” Ben says as he carries a tray with food and coffee to Lauren in bed.

He tells her “I love you” — for the third time.

“Ben’s my person!!! He’s my person! Is that like your lobster?

BEN AND JOJO

JoJo has held Ben’s interest since stepping out of the limo wearing a unicorn head, but the hometown dates were definitely a step back for the Texas beauty. Between her brothers’ actions during the hometown dates and the love letter she received from her ex-boyfriend Chad, Ben certainly had a lot to think about going into these overnight dates.

JoJo shows up, also wearing jean shorts — or “crotch covers” in this case. And they take a helicopter to Negril, Jamaica where they splash in the waterfalls during which time we get introduced to JoJo’s side boob, as she plunges into the water.

Next, JoJo plunges into the depths of emotion by confessing that she is “in love” with Ben.

“JoJo, I love you too!”

UGH! What Ben? You JSUT said that ten seconds ago to Lauren.

What are you doing? You are going to break someone’s heart!

As if reading my mind, Ben tells the cameras “I don’t know how you can be in love with two women. But I am!”

Hogwash!!!

Evening Date

“I’m having flashbacks of telling Lauren I love her too. But tonight is about JoJo, so I’m gonna soak in every moment I get with her.”

“Cheers to a really great day with you!” “You have exceeded all my expectations.” – JoJo

They discuss the conflict Ben had with JoJo’s brothers but he tells JoJo, “I’m not going to run from that,”

Nope, the running will happen in two weeks, JoJo. Just you wait.

Fantasy Suite Card

JoJo agrees to meet Ben in the Fantasy Slut, Err, I mean Suite. Her bikini top threw me off. It was more lingerie than bathing suit.

“I love you, JoJo,” he tells her once again. Man, Ben is dishing out the “I Love You’s” as quickly asd the Dallas Cowboys dish out bad plays.

And then Alli, whom I watched this episode with, threw the remote on the floor in anger. HA!

The date is over. Ben says, “Love you”… as he walks away wearing his back pack – clearly full of lies and broken hearts.

What a jerk for telling BOTH women he loves them. He could have just waited two more weeks and said it to “the one” he chooses.

UGH! What are you doing Ben Higgins? These are hearts you’re messing with.

WHAT FOLLOWS NEXT

Ben is back at his hotel when an Escalade pulls up carrying Caila. She, once again, is wearing a sports bra as a shirt.

To be clear, I cannot “support” her fashion choices.

Caila reminds us of a very needy puppy. Which is only cute if you’re a puppy. “Come here, Caila.” Come here!” Good girl, Caila. Now sit. Sit Caila. ”Okay, good doggy! Ben’s got to send you home, Yes – He – Does. Oh, yes, he does!”

Ben tells Caila, “I’m in love with two women here and I just couldn’t say it back to you. I describe you as my perfect wife. It is really hard to imagine saying goodbye to you. I’m going to miss you, Caila.”

Ben escorts Caila to her Escalade, where hopefully she finishes getting dressed.

But wait, she hops back out of the car. “Did you know this week? Did you know that you weren’t feeling it with me?”

“No, I wouldn’t have gone through this week had I known,” Ben tells her.

“I’ll miss you. Bye.” And with that, Caila climbs back in her car. Caila is weeping huge tears of sadness. Her “mommy and daddy” are going to be so sad for her too.

“I thought this was it. I thought this was it. I still love him. I still love him!!!” And she weeps, and weeps and sobs.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben tells JoJo and Lauren that he sent Caila home. As they both gaze back at him thinking, “He loves ME!”

Little do they know, he loves them both.

Dear Ben, you’ve created a monster. I’m disappointed in your actions as a man tonight. Especially as a Christian man.

Next week (March 7), the Women Tell All special will air on ABC, followed by the season finale on March 14.