Thats Not How it Works

Not being one to sit and wallow, and since I’m pretty much in a permanent state of introspection, I decided to pull my old friend Bumble off the cloud and add a new app, Hinge, to the line-up. My first impression of Hinge is that, by and large, it’s the exact same group of men who are on Bumble. But I do like the no-swipe methodology, so I’ll probably keep it around for a bit longer.

One thing that never fails to amuse me on dating apps is a particular combination of descriptors. Here’s a good example:

This guy is 38. He wants kids someday. His search parameters include women as old as me (and perhaps older). And he’s agnostic.

All I think when I see that is, “Honey, you might want to start believing in a God because that’s just not how biology works.”

Other observations upon re-entering dating land:

The beard trend is great, really. I love beards, but there’s a point at which beards go from sexy to creepy, and I fear that many men are not aware of where that point is and how to pull back when they’re getting too close.

Emojis are useful and funny when employed properly. But if you use more than one or two in your profile, I start to question your judgment.

When the choices of what you’re looking for are limited to: something casual, a relationship, don’t know yet, or marriage, and you pick “don’t know yet,” it tells me all I need to know to swipe left with confidence.