In society we are grown from a young person to believe that if we are harmed or even threatened that there is a natural recourse for this action under the premise of justice, that 'Law' will ensure retribution, order and balance will be retained.

What many sexual assault survivors have shared with me is that despite their own testimony, the incarceration of those proven guilty or perhaps as I understand now, many of those who never speak of their crime against their own humanity, despite it all the "prison" of the mind for shame, guilt, pain, aloneness is never resolved.

"....31 years later, today, I was informed that 11 counts of sexual assault have been laid, bail refused by Police, seven counts for my case and four others. There is no 'get over it' rather I have come to live with the destruction that caused as a result in my life. I am a survivor not a 'victim' irrespective of what any legal institution may choose to call me. For those of you who stood by me together we walk forward, for those who chose to walk away because it was too hard to hear, too much to face, too busy to care well ..... no oxygen. My mission will never change from listening to, reaching out and helping those who stand up. May those who consider themselves exempt, treacherously powerful, wilfully perverted and outside of Justice...so you too will fall divided, not me."

In reply a person replied as follows.

Thank you Brian.

It is people like you who walk forward and who have great power in your ability to share your own empathy with others. For that I am honoured and greatly encouraged.

So, the purpose for my post tonight is to honour, respect, acknowledge, admire, love and embrace all of those of you who will never speak out against your perpetrators for whatever injustice you have encountered. This post is written to those who have the greatest fear of all that you will be abandoned, that your world will end, that you will lose everything you know if you do speak out against those who perpetrate sexual assault.

The reality is you MUST forgive, bring your case forward, pursue your own ethical position on this crime against humanity and hold to account those who have affected your life in this disastrous way. Those institutions you think will give you that peace will never resolve your case.

Those very same systems of supposed societal justice will only ever serve your purpose if you stand up and speak out against your crime and you must be kind to yourself, protect others and get motivated to live a life worth living. If you have the courage then go and write, speak and shout your #realstory to the world who are the only court who will ever bear witness to your feelings.

Last year the Nyikina community of Derby and Broome Western Australia gave me a Nyikina name during a smoking ceremony.

I am happy because I've been sent a photo of Alex Smith who I was named after and his family taken at Yurmulun community (Pandanus Park). The photo was sent to me by my Niece, Pat Riley who is the acting CEO out there at Pandanus Park.

Over the last few days there has been a flurry of activity over at the camp that Micklo Corpus, senior Law man and Yawuru Traditional Custodian has manned for over two years on Yawuru country.

The camp is situated approximately 80kms out of Broome, Western Australia on the road to Derby. That is, the camp WAS situated there, complete with cyclone proof sheds and shelters that Broome Council have deemed illegal. Mick spoke to me of the continued threats and harassment he has endured including court cases and police harassment to push him off his traditional country.

A whole bunch of Micklo's supporters have over two days helped him remove right down to the last remaining bottle top from a small piece of this pristine country. Micklo's fight has been to keep it that way, yet Mitsubishi and its bastard cousins Buru Energy along with Australian federal, state and local Broome Council have forcefully acted in genocide as they seek to frack mine this country.

The following few photos document Micklo's camp being dismantled. Micklo who is down but not beaten has vowed to take this fight out to an international audience and it's with these fighting words that I've vowed to help him in that mission. As I consider Micklo's fight a testimony to his battle to protect his country, there is an urgency now in protecting this pristine Kimberley region from what would otherwise be an ecological disaster of poisoned aquifer water and fractured country that can never be repaired again.

I consider the actions of Broome Council in flagrant disregard of international evidence that frack mining results in damage to country, the actions of certain individuals who sit on the boards of corporations that support mining and rampant development in the Kimberley to be illegal, of genocide in nature, calculated devastation of country. So, as fate would have it I am meeting Micklo on his campsite with my video camera tomorrow and we will together face down these animals who disrespect this man, this community, this very nation.

Sitting here reflecting on a fortnight of blessed hell if there is such a thing.

Given I am not even an atheist (existentialist, pansexual iconoclast yes) then no, there is no god, no conveniently off earth heaven, nor hell. Jesus Christ was a human, not a phenomena befitting a total tax free scourge of community.

So I reported my 33 year old crime against humanity to the Royal Commission into Sexual Abuse of Children, the Australian Federal Police and now I have a team of detectives hunting down the key perpetrator and five other accomplices that raped me, attacked me and held me against my own liberty over a four year period.

As is typically reported by other survivors my own parents disbelieved me upon telling them aged 15, 18, 40. Coincidentally dear reader did you know that the average duration of time between the last perpetration and the point of reporting it to police is 33 years?

True. Go look it up.

Again, typically, other males immediately upon hearing the news oscillated from "...why didn't you fight back" through to "...lets go kill the cunts". My answer being that a skinny eleven year old repeatedly attacked by adult males upwards of one hundred kilograms as cogent a memory as sick is their fantasy.

Upon hearing that I forgave the individuals and would not be dedicating the rest of my life to seeking monetary compensation, I have had numerous people cut me off with a final remark about how I "...didn't value my own life or that of others who have been abused."

My retort has been "....My innocence was priceless. Compensation equals crime divided by consequences equals child sex slave. The answer is in prevention not some sick capitalistic bullshit payment so kindly fuck off back to your malls and mortgages."

There have been death threats - "....go neck yourself you sick victim." and there have been well meaning mothers indicating that "...while we trust you we think you need to be helping yourself." My answer "...I don't need your platitudes nor your fear. Be warned that your own children are at extreme risk from those you most respect in those institutions you bow down to as sheep."

Then there is the repeat mantra from those who have got nothing better to say other than to repeat "....well I hope you find healing by this reporting and that connecting with others will rekindle your life flame."

Vomit.

For fuck sake actually respond after you have been LISTENING. My name is not "...VICTIM."

My name is Alexander and I am a survivor.

Then there is the odd angel who upon seeing me crushed, lying on a hospital bed with blood pressure of 170/112 stated "....Alex I don't know if anyone has said this to you yet but I'd like to thankyou on behalf of humanity for your courage to speak out and in doing so you will save the lives of others and give hope to those still living in hell unable to speak of their own tragic story."

So how is it that my life has suddenly taken a massive new trajectory?

I think it is that in embracing death itself and knowing that there is nothing worse than a living hell that it gave me the capacity and capability to help others who have not had the same courage to speak out.

I expect NOTHING from the process of the Royal Commission.

No apology is suffice and my deep set hatred of the Royal family, the Westminster pillage, the pomp and ceremony while millions suffer should be enough to indicate that I see the process as no more than a historical coverup, largely faciltated by the very perpetrators, the religious institutions themselves.

As I have indicated elsewhere I see the internet as my hansard and long after I have passed over and long buried my earth bound story will keep rebounding through humanity.

I see trial by social media as the current main mechanism for sending the chilling effect to each and every sick viper that preys on the vulnerability of children as sexual pleasure, as a warning to all Munchausen mothers suffocating their kids with "love" and as a direct attack on the institutions that I'd happily see bulldozed and outlawed.

No, I wont "get over it."

If that is your underlying feeling as a reader, to tell me to get over it, then you too can fuck up and log off.

I will live with it, accept it, draw courage from it and I may even keep sharing it, always. Frankly I don't care what you do with my story, rather, take the hint, get tough but gentle and share your own story everywhere.

Keep sharing it and live with your sexual abuse if that is your unfortunate but fortunate reality. They scrambled your code but they don't own your soul.

I've recently taken my personal story to the Royal Commission into the Sexual Abuse of Children here in Australia which has heard thousands of despicable acts perpetrated by multi denominational Churches and supposed centres of religious excellence across this country since colonisation over two hundreds years ago by the British.

Numerous hearings have led to cases being heard and numerous arrests being made of perpetrators so far.

I have also taken my personal story and lodged a criminal case against one key perpetrator and four accomplices over a 5 year period, as well as numerous individuals including Anglican Church clergy and senior church members who are accessories after the facts who withheld my abuse from authorities for over thirty years. This criminal case has been lodged with the Australian Federal Police as well as the New South Wales Police in Sydney Australia to ensure that my case is not only heard but criminal convictions sought from all of those who failed to protect me as a child.

I will be one of the few who have reported this and will pursue this across all agencies until I know my key perpetrator and associates are jailed or similar.

The purpose of this personal blog post is to reflect on the recent interviews I endured as I provided a Witness Statement with New South Wales Police which required me to detail everything that happened to me over a two day intensive interview. I will from now forward be ongoing interviewed and examined from all perspectives as the Police bring into account the multitude of those I am seeking to corroborate on my case.

It is a known fact that many survivors of such horrific abuse do not report of these crimes sometimes up to 30 years on average after the last points of perpetration. This is due to a range of complex reasons include physical threats by perpetrators, fear of incriminating innocent people, shame, mental health and other real issues.

Over the last 34 years I have myself received death threats, cyber bullying, physical altercations including assault, exclusion from social events, defriending and so on which has had a massively detrimental affect on my Family, children, friends and colleagues. Many, many people have chosen to cease communicating with me due to my often erratic and self destructive behaviour.

In short, I feel that I almost passed away (again) two days ago as I spoke about the worst of what happened to me as far as sexual abuse specific incidents are concerned. I almost passed out in shock at this main interview as I recollected and visually pictured myself as I have millions of times since those incidents. I felt my heart stop, faint and with a migraine I had to take breaks to cope with the recollections.

I am aware that I have achieved so much by enduring this horrific process. I have travelled visually and at the worst times in my life back and back and back and back to those locations, to the abuse and have woken thousands of times whimpering, bed wetting, thrashing and hallucinating when I was afflicted with the worst of insomnia leading to psychosis.

I have endured hundreds of hours of counselling, doctors appointments, presentations at hospitals, admissions to hospital, lockdown in psyche wards for months at a time, relationship breakups, deaths of peers to suicide and countless blackouts from drug use and overdoses.

In gathering the courage to write my #realstory I drew up all my spiritual strength to a muster of facing my own demons which have consistently caused me so much self destruction over the last three decades. You can access that personal impact book here and download it as a PDF for free - http://www.alexanderhayes.com/publications/real-story

In gathering up the courage to speak of these sexual abuse incidents I drew upon all of the listening and acceptance that my Kooya, my Mothers and my Yakoo, partner have given me to bring my case before the courts and in doing so letting my angry inner child free from his mind prison.

In returning and with courage to share my experience I am drawing upon my trust and resilience to protect others as I accept what has happened to me and in doing so I make real my namesake - Alexander (protector of men in Greek) and Malkay (listen deeply). I will as a result change by Deed Poll my full name to be Alexander Malkay Hayes as my middle name was given to me during a smoking ceremony for my step-daughter by my Kooya at Balkinjirr Community, Liviringa in the Kimberley region of Western Australia. You can read bout this experience starting here - http://www.alexanderhayes.com/journey/malkay

The following posts I made to Facebook are what I consider to be the culmination of months of trepidation and amazing interaction with a limited amount of people who have supported me through the worst of the crisis of the last few years.

I think by expressing myself in this way I made real to myself that I had actually achieved something I knew was important to protect others with as my own forgiveness for the perpetrators is complete but not for the lack of intervention from the institutions that protected them.

As above, it is not with ego that I speak of celebrating an achievement rather joyful sorrow as I recollect that I have spent most of my life working and interacting with others to try and save them from a worse fate than my own.

As above I have learned to live with the fact that I will never "get over it" which I was told by countless, heartless and inept people including those who were supposed to be closest to me. I have learned that I had to face this alone and that till the day that I take my last breath that this will be with me but it DOES NOT DEFINE ME!!!

As stated above, with the input from significant others in my life I have been encouraged to grow and live a life not defined by sexual assault rather use it as a mechanism of knowledge to help others survive their own story, to always be listening and to be healthy and happy.

As above, I have had to endure 80 paragraphs of a witness statement and a personal impact account which spans more than 117 pages. Thats just the tip of the iceberg I am told by survivors who have said that they are "borderline" at most of the time in their lives. I will endeavour to protect others and allow my deep listening to be what starts and ends all of my interactions with others.

As above, I will have to rekindle my connection with country, with Family and with countless people who I have hurt and alienated over the years. In many cases the wounds are too deep and that in their endurance of me over the years they have had too much to bear and as humans seek out a new path that is not on mine.

I have to accept that what happened to me was not my doing rather that it has had a lasting and horrific impact on my life, to accept this and to walk forward stronger, deeply listening to others and where possible protecting those who would otherwise suffer a worse fate. This is not about me rather it is about what I action and live my life by from now till my last breath.

Here also are just a few links to resources which indicate the scope and tragedy of this horrific and endemic scourge which religious institutions and numerous government agencies have covered up over decades and indeed centuries.

“…denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation.” - Wikipedia

I’ve just returned from my eldest Daughters wedding in Margaret River, Western Australia.

Beautiful part of the world.

It’s well known my opinion on marriage but more importantly to their credit my Daughter and her husbands assertion that the law in Western Australia needs changing - that being from marriage being a man and woman joined to the exclusion of all others as being so archaic and to change it to that of where two people who love each other being able to join is a state of holy matrimony, so help me god.

Christ. Two people become one supposedly.

Thats about as much as I can cope with such notions from a institution steeped in corrupt, debauch and depravity only fitting the hell that Christians profess we all need to repent and be saved from.

In short, religion has no place in life. It is a human suppression agent and a falsity.

I’m sensing that things have become more fluid for want of a better term in a contemporaneous society and that a heteronormative existence is under assault, fast evolving.

I then sat today on the beach at Cottesloe, Western Australia and discussed with my second eldest Daughter the concept of compersion, the manner in which people can choose not to have locked-in relationships and how to grow by compassion, empathy and trust. So that brings me back to interrogate that existence of the heteronormative.

The fact is I have lived a life of thirty years led by the heteronormative expectation of family and friends, who have of late shifted markedly in my life or have left entirely. Lets face it, I have been married three times and had as many children. It took a great deal of courage I am told to step out and declare to the world that I disagree with simply living a life so that it fits with the convenience of a heteronormative state.

An iconoclast no less. Nothing they told me worked. It was all false and hollow and full of promise but no real reality worth living. So I grew and stepped away from that crap.

Then, out of the blue whilst at Perth Airport I receive a phone call from Craig who has read my profile in Grindr, an app that you can add to your phone giving access to gay and bisexual men across the world. He stated that the link to my #realstory book as being life changing, cathartic, inspiring. He asked if I was able to meet and I gracefully declined as I’m about to board a plane and fly back to Canberra.

So, that paragraph above is enough to floor most of the hetro’s I’m forced to engage with at times in my life. Why?

Because the first question is “….and why have you got such an app on your phone? Does you partner know abut it?” My answer is each time “….I have many apps on my phone and each and every one of them serve different functions as do the apps on your phone….but do I ask you as to why you have those apps on your phone yet you feel compelled to make a statement that I’m acting out, being dishonest, non trustful?”

The fact is that no matter what I am, no matter how I identify sexually, no matter who I am connected to professionally, socially or for that matter politically, the whole heteronormative cycle of returning people back to a feed loving, cow creating, nuclear family fairytale seems far removed from a social reality. More and more people I speak to have given up on the “forever more till death do us part” love lock and are exercising their individual and collective freedoms.

No matter what a heteronormative professes to protect and maintain I am of the opinion that it creates, suppresses and forces those who find themselves attracted to things out of its constraints into being dishonest and truly disconnected from a reality. I returned from my Daughters wedding inspired by that one assertion said at the union of vows but I congratulate myself on not physically assaulting a crowd of heteronormative, vipers, charlatans and looking-goods who all at one stage in their life did their best to intern me, crucify and lock down pansexual me.

Who is anyone to question our identity then profess to know how to return us to a straight jacket norm better suiting a collective moral servitude.?

Well….fuck you if thats what is needed to wake you up out of your readership malaise, you too need wake up and look around at what you are doing in life and if toeing the societal norm of a hetronoromative is the way you are living your life and smashing other people with your moral yardstick then get the hell out of mine.

Pansexual is the way to go and if that doesn’t suit then choose your own label because if you don’t then society will sure to tag you with something that conveniences only its heteronormative self.

I hate insipid service providers on the Internet who also withdraw my data subject to legal concourse. Read the FUCKING MATERIAL people and understand this is all about civil liberty, honesty, transparency and the insidious FUCKS that run the religious institutions in this land and all over this globe.

True, when I get my heckles up it aint just fur thats flying.

I'll abide by the law of the land knowing that this country was never ceded and that the monarchy is nothing but a coloniser. Yes, I'll acknowledge that native-fuck-me-over title exists too in white man toxic Anglo lawyer speak.

Yes, I'll also acknowledge that under that occupation that THESE PRICKS will have it lorded unto us beseech thee almighty fucking god, holy maker of heaven and fucking hell on earth so help me Christ you capitalised fucking cunt.

Ok....so now you have the gist. Today, or maybe it was yesterday I submitted my account of what I was subjected to as a 11 year old through to 13 year old. I name no names except that of the institutions who did their very best to bury my sorry carcass under a mountain of threats and vile looking goods.

What does it take for a 48 year old man to muster his yoke and let a judicial body know it's own sorry soulless patriarchy as nothing more than testament to an Internet of things. A sorryless protected and monarchical mayhem.

So today, Figshare announced it wont hold my story in it's archive. So who, pray to the most holiest of they merciful vestry, has contacted Mr. Figshare and had my story removed? Mr. God-damned-Pell himself?

For merciful's sake get to archive.org before they are subpoenaed to remove their damning copy to.

Till my dying breath I will exercise MY CIVIL RIGHT as a human being to defend myself against this bullshit systematic shutting down of those who have suffered at the hands of a so-called Church.

I am not even an atheist - that would mean I acknowledge that word even exists. Nothing that these institutions of torture, rape, pillage, occupation and tax less invasion will do will ever get me to acknowledge that there are not above law.

Here is my Royal Commission submission - note I do not name names, I name numbers because when you are nothing but a number then its only numbers you are getting back.

I've avoided writing on this topic until now mainly out of respect for my amazing partner but also that its taken me almost two years to actually grasp....actually understand fully what the act of 'compersion' means.

In other words, I have talked at length about this with my partner and it's now an important conversation to be had as Its timely and its very real. I'm growing and changing.

According to the Urban Dictionary (I cant find it written up in any other dictionaries) comperison is:

"...A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship."

I can literally hear the audible breath being taken in by some people reading this as the concept goes against every single principle in the Christian Judaic, capitalist, singular relationship bound marrying and ownership of one and each other. For God's sake who invented these vestitudes of hateful relatedness???

From what I can understand the term is derivative of the ethos of polyamory, essentially where an individual has not one sexual partner but many and that combination many happen in any variety of configurations. I have grave reservations as to whether true polyamory can work particularly where one of the 'trouple' is a third spoke in the wheel.....but it is possible and does work too.

So, in essence, the article explains how a couple are discussing his connection with a lover the night before and the partner, a woman recognises and observes the enraptured, engaged and animated person she once new in her husband when they were first dating. So, what has happened the woman has remarkably found the capability to feel her jealousy, accept that as a feeling, move past her fear of abandonment or rejection, unlock her feelings of genuine excitement at a physical and emotional level and at the same time be present to her boyfriend who society in general would have deemed his actions as "cheating".

In my thinking for me to achieve that state, that incredibly liberated feeling of freedom to feel beyond what society would have us think is normal, restricted, exclusive....to actually live in an open and SHARING relationship (as opposed to dont-ask-dont-tell) then the whole world suddenly becomes different. Sure the sex is exciting but at the core, for me, the metaphysical gravitas of this way of living profoundly changes the ground rules on what it means to be in a partnership.

A few years ago I left a boring, serial, relentless monogamous marriage where intimacy was lost due to the enclosed state of "owned" that I felt. I could no longer interact with others as I would normally....chat, flirt, enjoy their company. Out of the heavens it seems I met an incredibly intelligent blonde faery who encouraged me to reflect deeply on my life experiences, my sexual connections and my relationships with others. I admitted that nothing scared me more than "being me" ....connecting with others as I feared reprimand, rebuke, rejection and abandonment.

We met people together and we connected with them. The whole world changed for me.

On the other hand, it has been drummed into me from birth that a man takes a woman as his wife and for ever more till the day they die.....they have to put up with each other and generally a sexless and boring life together. Not always but thats the exception to the norm of seven years, two kids and a divorce later.

So now that I'm thinking this through, it seems that the woman in the article context is actually in an incredibly powerful and autonomous state of freedom herself. Not only is she happy that her partner is having sex with others and enjoying himself, she is actually enjoying relating to his experiences....and perhaps getting sexually excited herself as a result.

That doesn't necessarily mean she's voyeuristic either. It could mean that she might join him with those lovers a some point to but there is absolutely no obligation or pressure to do o.

So this act of love, the act of compersion which is meaningful, intentful and deliberate seems to be the way that highly intellectual, highly sexual and high achievers seem to ensure that their own relatedness is healthy. It's not a relationship - that term just became redundant as this is a new way of living and being free at the core of what so many supposedly "good marriages" fester....infidelity.

Well in a relatedness filled with compersion such things as infidelity are null and void. Jealousy still exists as it is an emotional state and an important instinctuual feeling of loss if your headspace is low. It means the prtnership is always on charge, dynamic and open.

This now brings me back to my own personal journey. I have always thought that the state of compersion to be intellectually possible but impossible in the everyday practical sense. The excitement that it brings me is also heavily balanced with conditioned fear and guilt. There is the practical considerations of what combinations excite one's partner and who in fact is benefitting most from the activity! It seems that the woman in the article is having as much fun or more than her partner who is now relaxed, relieved and rejuvinated.

By the way I don't see this as a gender specific nor identity related phenomena. It is spoken about as being possible and preferable across all variants of humanity.

The mere though of having (permissibly and encouraged) multiple lovers fills me with a faint fear and light headedness....but also a deep soulful relief. A massive, massive shift in a life that is otherwise locked up in one modality.

The married state of monogamy is gut wrenchingly boring. A new state of compersion whilst tough emotionally would I think build resilience, emotional resilience, would bring honesty and love back into couples connections with others.

I think compersion is the way to go. Its a genuine, excitable feeling human act of generosity, of power gathering, sharing, caring and connecting.

As I knew already it would contain nothing more than an organisations coverup of the truth of the matter pertaining to my resignation.

I have travelled a fair distance in life over 47 years.

The lessons I've learned are in healing myself first before anything I can do for others will be of any real use. I am a strong and capable person - capable of many things.

In some cases my own justice came around many years later when those that picked on me or taken advantage of me least suspected it would happen.

My own story that took me this far has had it's fair share of extreme violence, sexual abuse, alienation, bullying and loneliness. To counteract that I've often gone quiet and hurt myself more to protect the well being of others.

Despite their own pitiful and sad life stories, a few recent bullies and sick colleagues continue to drown their sorrows or get angry to counteract their own physical disabilities, sexual preferences and inability to maintain relationships and workforce capacities without hurting others and ultimately themselves in the process.

Racist, sexist, homophobic, pompous, illiterate mafia have no place in my life.

FOI does nothing more than protect those who already know their mission in controlling others. An organisation that holds itself as the pinnacle of academic success, supposed leader of research in this country is nothing more than the lowlife that it supports deep within its colonist bowels.

Justice is strength in knowing the numbers that share in the same secrets I have been subjected to, as they themselves have the same. The greatest gift is knowing that all will be revealed en masse.

In a throw-away comment in Facebook I think I nailed (as often happens and is the way when you dont overthink things) the way that I'd like to reframe my thinking around what constitutes a happy family.

I reflect on a more humorous aspect of my own personal life that I feel compelled to share. Some say that when a man (male) reaches his middle years he finds his younger man no longer fighting with his child, that his middle aged man facing up to his Elder and listening in on what matters most for the rest of the journey forward.

The term libre detre - 'free to be' comes to mind. I hadn’t really thought of what the term meant till it became obvious to me that my perception in life or awareness as some describe it had arrived at a point where I knew I was restricted, lacking freedom in many ways.

An entry in Facebook: "...We are happy to confirm for you that we have fallen in love, are in a relationship, settling down which allows you to now be happy for yourselves, to feel secure and confident that the status quo has been maintained, as required and as you need it. All that is now left to do is to like this post and congratulate each other on your own confirmation of polarity."

Another day, another deep set life lesson. Imagine a world where in pairing up with a craker who are genetically designed and mate like dolphins where there is a definite season in which body parts turn blue and a mating ritual where the female chooses up to 4 'fathers' and the babies raised with the help of the whole tribe.