The new Nokia 3310 has completely fucked up Snake

When it was announced that the Nokia 3310 was being rebooted, there were cheers – great big cheers – of nostalgia-fuelled happiness from virtually everyone.

It might be a throwback, it might be – practically – pretty useless in reality when you think about all the added value that you get from your sleek, modern smartphone, but hey, we loved the idea of going back to a simpler time, with a reliable, sturdily-built design classic that just did what a phone was supposed to do.

And the best thing of all? Something that, alone, would genuinely make it worth buying? Being able to play Snake again.

No argument, the absolute all-time best phone game ever. Hell, one of the all-time best games ever. Simple, beautiful and perfect, like Tetris. Of course, the 3310 had Snake 2, which wasn’t quite as elegant as the original, but it was close enough. “Get that beautiful phone in our hands as soon as possible so we can get eating those tasty pieces of food”, we all cried.

But we’ve got bad news for you everyone. They’ve fucked it.

No, they just couldn’t resist. Why go with the simple game we all know and love when we can arse about with it and make ‘a modern reinterpretation of a classic’. Just look at this abomination.

The snake moves diagonally. It’s too fat. It’s eating fruit. There are fancy graphics and ‘simulated levels and walls’, and ‘tasks’ and ‘exit gates’ and there is a scissors power-up which slow down and cut the snake, making it shorter – and easier – and there are bombs to avoid, and magnets that attract apples and I can’t go on because it just misses the point of the game, which was its magnificent simplicity. One of the greatest moments of my life was filling up the whole screen on Snake on my Nokia 3210. The elation, the glory. This just doesn’t look like it’s going to even remotely compare.

The reviewer says ‘it feels more like a remix of snake’.

It looks like it’s going to be about as good as when Puff Daddy remixed Roxanne.