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When She Wants Sex More than He Does

When people fall in love, initially, they can't keep their hands off each other. But six months to a year later, the hot-and-heavy period subsides and sexual frequency declines. This is no problem if both people experience the exact same decrease in libido. But typically, one person wants sex more often than the other, and desire differences become a sore point in many relationships. In fact, today, desire differences are a leading reasons why couples consult sex therapists.

When desire differences emerge, who wants sex more? That's a no-brainer, right? The man. Perhaps you've heard the old joke: What's foreplay to a man married for 10 years? An hour of pleading.

There are plausible biological reasons why, in general, men would want more sex than women. Male sex hormones (testosterone in men and a slightly different hormone in women) fuel libido in both genders, and men have much higher levels. Studies of transsexuals show that when men become women and take female sex hormones, they typically report a mellowing of sexual desire, but when women become men and take testosterone, they usually say, "As a woman, I liked sex but didn't feel driven to have it. Now I do."

An evolutionary argument corroborates this. The biological purpose of life is to reproduce life, to send one's genes into future generations. Women are most likely to do this by having a few children and nurturing them until they, too, reproduce. That works for men, too, but men can also pursue another strategy—sex with as many women as possible to impregnate as many as possible.

These explanations sound neat and compelling, but if they truly explained desire differences between the genders, we would expect the overwhelming majority of men to want sex more often than the overwhelming majority of women. That does not appear to be the case.

Over the past 20 years, I've informally polled dozens of sex therapists asking about the gender break-down of desire differences. I don't pretend that my findings represent anything beyond a seat-of-the-pants inquiry, but therapists' replies have been remarkably consistent: Two-thirds of the time, the man wants sex more, but in one-third of cases, it's the woman. Now, this is a two-to-one margin, so partisans of the conventional wisdom can say, "See? Men clearly want sex more than women." All right. But if that's the case, why do somewhere around one-third of women want it more than men?

A fascinating recent book, Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality takes a stab at an explanation. Co-authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha marshall a great deal of psychological and anthropological research to support their view that if we remove the shackles of so-called civilization, women are just as libidinous as men and maybe more so. But for better or worse, we live in the world we inhabit, and the apparent enthusiastic promiscuity of prehistoric women doesn't alter our sexual norms today.

Any chronic desire difference can drive people crazy. But in our culture, when the woman wants sex more, the couple descends into a special circle of hell, the place reserved for those caught in culturally unexpected circumstances. It's bad enough to have a chronic desire difference, but when the situation contradicts the highly prevelant assumption that women—all women!—are erotically coy, while men—all men!—are insatiable horn dogs who can never get enough, desire differences feel even more distressing.

I sympathize, and I'm here to say that if, in your relationship, the woman is more libinous than the man, you're by no means alone. Whatever the reason, if women want sex more in one-third of couples who consult sex therapists, then after men say "good-night," the number of women who grit their teeth, or cry, or reach for a vibrator has to be in the millions.

...she can have an affair with another married person who is also looking for more sex than the primary relationship can offer. Both individuals are inclined to keep their mouths shut and not upset their respective apple carts. It works out well.

I just wonder if your informal assessment considered the situation before or after Viagra? Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

It seems so odd that Viagra hit the two-billion dollar mark last year, and the pretension that men are always the ones with the higher sex drive still persists. Surprisingly, the sex toy industry has also hit the two-billion dollar mark, and I don't need to prove that most of these toys are designed for women. I dare to say that your informal survey barely scratches the surface of what's really going in the bedrooms.

Not long ago, I had men in my online adult community saying that whatever they provide ought do it, and that was a statement, not a question. Then recently, a PT blogger announced that female ejaculation was simply urine. I don't even want to go into what the scientific community has to say about cul-de-sacs... So far, I haven't found much that is significant in the literature.

In regards to the effects of testosterone in women, it would be interesting to know if girls are born with a certain "setting" of testosterone which could later be associated to higher sex drive. Female sexuality is rather sketchy when compared to the what is known about males. Hopefully the knowledge gap will close in the future, so we can have a better picture of what reality is as opposed to belief.

Still, it's nice to have some idea of who's claiming the higher sex drive, but more research is needed.

My informal survey barely scratches the surface. And you're also right that sales of sex toys show that women have plenty of libido. In fact, the most recent survey I saw shows that about one-third of adult American women own at least one vibrator. Yet the myth persists that men are insatiable while women are not terribly interested. Mostly I just wanted to let higher-libido women know that (1) they're normal, (2) many women have robust libidos, and (3) that if this is causing problems, sex therapy usually helps. Thanks for your comment.

It's not that large numbers of men prefer porn to a partner, it's that they prefer porn to their current partner. It's not that they don't want sex with the partner, it's that they are not interested in the kind of sex their partner is giving. Therapist David Schnarch and PT blogger calls this phenomenon "leftover sex," since that sex consists of the sex that's not anathema to the woman crossing with the sex that's not anathema to the man. Leftovers, as it were.

When men and women find a partner with whom there's true sexual compatibility? That is, both quantity and quality? Suddenly porn becomes much less of a problem.

It is considered abnormal for a husband to have lower desire than his wife. Accordingly, it would seem to me that couples in which the wife is the low desire partner might come to the conclusion that the situation is normal and not worthy of a therapist's attention. Couples with a low desire husband would presumably be much more likely to consider the situation pathological. While among couples seeking therapy men are most often the high desire partner by a 2-to-1 margin, I would expect that among the general population of married couples, the margin of difference is much, much higher.

In the online adult community I belong to, most of the complaints about a low-sex partner come from men. Most of the time they complain about the frequency, and others about the variety Of course, it's impossible to assess the situation correctly because we hardly ever get the story from the wife. There are women who also complain about their husbands, but in general, it's men who see the situation as a pathology more so than the women.

Women seem to adapt their sex drives a lot easier than men in the sense that they can always opt for masturbation. Men in committed relationships don't seem to adapt that well to their significant other's lack of availability. When this is the case, most of the discussions revolve around cheating as an alternative. Interestingly enough, when the couple has taken the route of opening up and experiment with threesomes or the like, the female libido goes up considerably. Some husbands mention that just the fact that she flirts online increases her libido.

Then, in regards to the previous comment stating that men prefer masturbating to porn than to have sex with partners, I don't think that's the case. Many couples report watching porn as foreplay. Single men (mostly young) seem to masturbate to porn more often mostly because they don't have a partner available; however, there are cases where men feel it's easier to masturbate than to go out and look for a partner when they don't have one.

I need to point out that these are my own observations. So far, there hasn't been an attempt to conduct any surveys in the community, which is around 300 thousand mostly from the US, UK, Canada and Australia.

My suspicions about my husband's "low sex drive" were eventually confirmed when I'd discovered he'd been regularly getting it on the side. I wonder how much of a reality cheating is when it comes to the man at home not wanting it as much as the woman?

If you’re in a mismatched relationship and you want it to change you need to make change a priority, set a date to resolve the problem by such as one year, if after one year there is still a mismatch then you should find another sex partner, don’t let it drag on for years because that would be the WORST outcome.

How to blame a women for his impotency
"You treat me like a piece of meat"
Heard that and realized, I'm ok, you are not.
After being blamed time and time again for my sexuality. The frustration and his turning it on me. Left me alone, vulnerable, abused and crushed.
BUT.. then, after a night on the town where viral men where hanging out in droves and their masculine attempts to bed me throughout the evening was endless in supply, I begin to realize. I'm not at fault here. I am desired. There are horny men in the world. Men who’s intentions are not committal but are still doing what men do, look for some action. Men who can preform. Men I admire for their ability to please and be pleased.
What a devil in disguise I think now. What a wolf in "cheap" clothing. My lack of fulfillment and the abuse I endured makes me rage with a vengeance. No, I am not going to be in a relationship and adhere to a dildo. That's for single women.
I'll tell you right now, it's not me, he was like this with his ex wife. He could have been honest, but for men like this, it is never about honesty, it's about hiding the truth and never discovering a remedy. It's about as much BS as any woman should or could accept. It's a sexual relationship, so excuse me "Where the @#$% is the sex?"
The anger still rests inside me. It will dissipate but I will always be aware of any future trend to abuse and low sex drive with my future men. I will walk, no run at the first sign. Especially if it cannot be brought up for discussion.
He was a heavy drinker, smoker, with a job meant for a college student, a gambler at 54 years of age. (all these things that popped into the relationship on drip feed) I’ll not date anyone over 35 now. He was quiet charming for the first month. Hiding his little blue pills. Ooops, that's my bad, I've learned, I digress, I'll be smarter about my choices. But fool me once...
A man has to feel like a man or he pretends to be one. A woman has to recognize how he feels about himself to know how she is going to be treated. SO, women of the world, don't be touching up your make-up, jogging an extra 5kms a day. Don't worry about how you feel about yourself. We feel pretty damned good. Worry about how HE feels about HIMSELF.
Before you fall for him, question how he's fallen for himself. As much as we women put incredible time and effort into self love and personal care and are born nurturers.
Watch them !!

And for you men who can’t rise to the occasion, even occasionally, find a woman who’s is frigid.
Then live happily ever after. But find that first. Leave us, sluts, insatiable, whores and all the other names you can call us to cover up your dysfunctions ALONE……