Let’s understand: I was not working on anything. I had left the office. Completed my errands, finished my shopping. I was relaxing. Dining. I was practically a guest. Except every five minutes the server popped up to ask if I was still working. But the server was confused. He was working. I was eating.

I have to agree with this. I hate when stores refer to me as if I’m special but don’t follow it up by treating me special.

At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realizing it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of “This is no way to live,” “What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,” and “Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place,” all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

And from the many-a-truth-is-said-in-jest department:

In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase “Only in New York” is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.