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SAS controversy continues over plans to replace selection march with IKEA trolley dash

Government plans to reform SAS recruitment procedure have run into a hail of criticism.

Defending the proposals, a spokesman said that, as before, the new tests involve crawling through tunnels and extreme endurance; but now ‘in a form more appropriate to the 21st century’. It is understood that applicants will be asked to travel through the channel tunnel in under 48 hours, and buy and assemble an entire IKEA kitchen without either also buying a pack of tealights, or having a cup of tea – a suggestion which had drawn fire from human rights groups.

However, senior SAS figures have expressed concern that a ‘modernised’ recruitment process will allow an ‘unacceptably high survival rate’ among would-be recruits. Brigadier Harry Hines explained ‘Not only did the old system, with its 75% mortality rate, produce considerable savings on accommodation, uniforms and so forth; it also ensured that survivors were so traumatised as to develop an undying loyalty to the senior officers who had made them suffer. It’s the essence of the British class system in miniature, and you mess with that at your peril.’

Brigadier Hines was unable to answer any further questions as his flat pack chair collapsed, trapping him in a ‘stress position’ for 72 hours.