Wednesday, October 25, 2006

If Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about baseball

THE MANAGER, LEO, TROTS OUT TO THE MOUND TO TALK TO BELEAGURED PITCHER, DANNY (THERE’S ALWAYS A DANNY). THE BASES ARE LOADED. THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS. IT’S GAME SEVEN OF THE WORLD SERIES.

LEOYou can’t get a good lobster in this town.DANNYLast I checked we were in Kansas City.

LEO4.6 billion pork ribs sold every year and 18.9 tons of beef consumed annually since 1997 –

DANNYThey like their beef, what can I tell ya?

LEOBut you’d think just for variety’s sake.

DANNYI can still throw my curve.

LEOFor strikes?

DANNYI’m not throwing enough?

LEOI’ve seen more lobsters.

DANNY WALKS TO THE ROSIN SACK, GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, DECIDES TO KEEP WALKING. HE AND LEO NOW WALK OUT INTO CENTER FIELD.

DANNYIt’s just that…

LEOWhat? Kathy?

DANNYNo. Cabs. There’s no cohesiveness on this team. After road games, 25 cabs for 25 players. There used to be a thing called “the greater good”, forgoing your needs for the betterment of the team and community who looks to us for their identity and self worth. When I’m trying to save a game I’m really trying to save a factory. If baseball is a metaphor for life, then responsibility is its first cousin simile. And Kathy.

LEOThat’s a “1” on your back and not a “2”.

DANNYI can’t help it. She knocks my sanitary socks off.

THEY CROSS THE CENTER FIELDER, HECTOR.

HECTOR(in thick accent) Hey, Skip. You know where we could get a lobster around here?

LEOOrder a steak with butter sauce.

THEY REACH THE WALL AND BEGIN WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNYI only became a pitcher because of her.

LEODoes she know that?

DANNYShe knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

LEOCan you still throw your curve ball for strikes?

DANNYNo. The other one.

LEODoes Kathy know you became a pitcher for her?

THEY REACH THE RIGHT FIELDER, AN AFRO-AMERICAN NAMED CHET.

CHETLook up in the stands, guys. Not four black faces. Would Jackie Robinson even want to break into this game now? If this sport speaks to minorities now it speaks in Spanish. Afro-Americans make up less than 5% of the major leagues. Compare that to basketball, football, or even golf. Satchel Paige said, “don’t look back, something might be gaining on ya.” I just did. It’s now hockey.

Brilliant. You captured Sorkin's style perfectly. The only thing I would add is something to highlight his complete lack of reality in the worlds he writes about, so I would suggest the last line of your opening stage directions read: "It's Game NINE of the World Series".

BrianScully: The script already has a World Series game taking place at Kaufman Stadium in Kansas City (and presumably, the show is taking place in the present day) -- how much more unreality do you need?

You have some sort of Aaron Sorkin issues going there, Ken. He's a talented story teller who may or may not have success with his latest effort. At least he's offering an intelligent alternative to the dreck being touted as entertainment on television today. If only for the fact that Aaron Sorkin asks the viewer to pay attention and think, I think you should get off his back.

Wait.. you mean Aaron is doing a series on baseball. What channel is it on?! My guess is ABC, right? They're putting it on after Grey's Anatomy to keep the women. Is this from the pilot? I didn't see any mention of it in Variety. Did the Reporter scoop Variety?.....

Great work Ken. I'm a huge baseball (Orioles) and Sorkin fan, so I've always thought about this as a natural fit. But, how about a Sorkin "dramedy" about a Major League front office? I've always thought that this would be perfect. I can just see the GM, assistant GM and owner walking down the office hallway (of the warehouse)bantering. Your thoughts?

Chet: I'm worried.Danny: Yeah, I'm gaining weight.Chet: There's too many black ppl on the team.Danny: See, if i pitch near his spine i can take out their best batter...Chet: I'm serious, when are you getting more white ppl.Danny: Jesus Christ, we're in the middle of a game--wait a minute, arent you black?Chet: Hey look, a blimp.

"At least he's offering an intelligent alternative to the dreck being touted as entertainment on television today."

You've bought into Sorkin's faux tale of TV:s modern-day lack of quality. It's just not true. While network lineups may be cluttered with game shows and "reality" shows because they are cheap to make, the truth is that there is probably more quality television being made than ever before, if you look at the whole picture.

As for Sorkin writing a baseball show, he would have to get a whole lot more wrong than just "game nine of the World Series" in order to match his litany of mistakes, bad calls and failure sof tone and substance in trying to capture the process of creating humor and the outcome thereof.

He would pretty much have to show a soccer game and call it baseball; that's how off-base his view of a sketch show and of network TV is.

Came here from somewhere else and I have to say, massively funny, right on target and captured exactly why I gave up on Studio 60 after one episode.

I loved "Sports Nights" but part of it was the characters knew they were being faintly ridiculous. That's all long gone and the air of smug self satisfaction is a complete turn off.

And to the person who thinks there's only dreck on the air - watch "Battlestar Galatica" for a show that isn't afraid to ask hard, uncomfortable questions about religion, war, terrorism and a host of other issues.

This show is getting hammered, I don't get it. Yes, it preachy and elitist blah blah blah, but give me this over Two And a Half Men any day. (I never actually saw 2 1/2, just assume it's bad) Is Studio 60 really the worst thing to ever air? I liked Sports Night too, guess I'm a wanker. 60 wont be around much longer to torture you guys.

Agree with the need for a momentous "Okay" and a couple knowingly resigned "Yeah"s but what we CANNOT live without is the quintessential Sorkinese "repeated line" -- he's playing for space and needs a filler - one character stares momentarily and then the "huh?" when everyone heard the line - but now it is said again and then we have used up 20 more seconds of filler. and then usually a knowingly resigned "yeah". There is usuallly one in every episode of WW, and sometimes it could be a drinking game.

Mustang Bobby suggested casting John Mahoney for leo...BRILLIANT! My husband sent this to me at work and I couldn't stop laughing! Especially when I got down to MBFH's hilarious added scene with Danny's parents! OMG!

We loved 60 up until THAT episode! THE WORST!!!! We thought, up until then, that it was smart and funny - if a little preachy and sanctimonious. This our first tast of Sorkin, but we knew what we were getting into. However, we fell for Bradley Whitford HARD! He needs WAY more screen time! And if it isn't cancelled, can we please have some more Christine Lahti?!

Levine, we loved Almost Perfect - while it lasted and before the retooling. Nancy was adorable and deserved her own show and a fair shake in Hollywood!

Captured perfectly. Personally, however, I'm not convinced the reason Studio 60 is doing badly is because of Sorkin's writing style. It's elitist and contrived, sure, but West Wing didn't lack for viewers (and I admit I found it amusing, if completely unrealistic).

The reason Studio 60 sucks is that the show it is about sucks. Could anyone watch an episode of Studio 60 and honestly say they would want to watch the comedy show these characters are producing? The snippets they show are like a parody of the bad years at SNL. I have yet to see a single sketch that looked likely to generate a laugh.

My advice to Sorkin would be to stick to writing the off stage dialogue, and hire some comedy central or mad tv writers to handle the on-stage action.

OK, as probably the only die-hard Royals fan suffering around on the face of the earth, I must ask why you chose Kauffman Stadium (even though it will forever remain Royals Stadium to me) for the scene. Only Aaron Sorkin could further piss on Royals fans, and you nailed his style perfectly. I actually liked the pilot episode of Studio 60, declaring it the best pilot episode of any series since The Sopranos pilot, and the show simply went downhill in the worst way ever since. I'll never trust Sorkin again, not even for one pilot.

I think one of Sorkin's problems is that from the very beginning he plans for longevity. He knows that eventually something exciting will happen on his show that the viewers will enjoy (reminiscent of the pilot,) but by the time we get to that point in the season, nbc will have already passed on more episodes. And the second season of Sports Night made me too exhausted to suffer that struggle again.

Loved the parody ("homage," if you must) and have enjoyed Sorkin ever since the late lament SN. (The guy from "Six Feet Under" -- terrific; you gotta work him into this parody...)

Little tidbit about Sorkin's arcane errors: there's a weekly mag called "Federal Executive," read by a lot of senior military and civilian officials. For a year or more, it had a feature called WW Watch, with readers' reports of incorrect WW Federalia (my word -- may need to copyright it). One regarded a Navy officer who inevitably had his "lid" (hat) on or off at the wrong moments (e.g., on indoors, off outside...)

I understand how you all think this is dead on. I get that his work is sometimes a little precious and picks up on common themes. But he doesn't just write to have words in a certain rhythm, there is an idealism to it that this piece lacks. It's about conveying an idea not giving a history lesson.

Ken--this is brilliant, and I say that as a Sorkin fan (and anonymous, lay off, will ya? It's a *loving* parody. Parody is a form of flattery.) I was going to suggest that you write for TV until I say your actual bio… apparently you already took my advice, well before I was born. You must be psychic.Still, if you're not working on one, you should write a Studio 60 spec script, except make it funny. (I tried to like 60, I really did, but it's just not funny enough. It works as a behind-the-scenes *drama* about a show… but I don't think that's the intent.)

laughing silently in our corporate offices, listening to my boss ream her boss on the telephone (how screwed am I that I'll be out of a job before I ever get decent coverage). Maybe Ken/Aaron can give us something about a wannabe script writer who works crap jobs to support his... oh, bloody hell, suppose there's always the next Whedon parody.

Day night,gold für wow the moon or on world of warcraft gold the tree,cheap wow gold Hao Jie pouring down the moonlight, as if accompanied by Xiaotu Feifei enter sweet dreams. In the dream, a dream Feifei about his sister to the moon night. Will open the door,wow gold kaufen go down the moon sister.mesos Xiaochanzouxia take is that they did not see the moon sister. At that time, anchored at the tree on the moon sister saw Xiaochan, they yelled loudly: "Feifei, Feifei, I tree, the tree, I." Xiaochan sit at the moon to his sister, who Daizhaoxiaochan came wow geld to the beautiful pond. Only, water,maple story mesos everywhere in the lush leaves and beautiful flowers.maple story items A frog squatting lotus leaf, see Xiaochan, surprised and said: "Xiaochan,wow gold farmen you can even sit on the moon. You simply It's amazing!maple story money I am sure that you are the first animals to the moon by the animal. good,wow leveling I envy you!Maple Story Accounts "Xiaotu listening, happy to smile. Then, with the moon sister Xiaotu to its home.powerlevel Only, the moon sister's home stars are everywhere. The eyes of a star a Zha Zha,world of warcraft power leveling like Xiaotu greeted the arrival of a mouth, like: "Xiaochan, Hello, we at the Moon Palace waiting for your arrival."maple story powerleveling Xiaotu listened

Brilliant. You captured Sorkin's style perfectly. The only thing I would add is something to highlight his complete lack of reality in the worlds he writes about, so I would suggest the last line of your opening stage directions read: "It's Game NINE of the World Series".

I loved this, and I wanted to thank you for taking the time to write some really kickass parody. Ugh he is so repetitive--but then, he has a lot of high-paid jobs to do, and going back to the well isn't usually mocked so viciously. Have you seen the "Sorkinisms" supercut video on YouTube?

About KEN LEVINE

Named one of the BEST 25 BLOGS by TIME Magazine. Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created three series. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres. and Dodger Talk. He hosts the podcast HOLLYWOOD & LEVINE

Ken Being Social

Ken's Book Club

A collection of long-form Levine

MUST KILL TV: Ken's explosive and hilarious satire of the TV industry - now in paperback and Kindle