05/01/2012

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08/18/2010

I've been unable to put any words out here lately. While I feel that the fog I've been in may finally be lifting, I've had too many doubts, and have been listening too closely to my inner critic. I have been afraid to voice all of the thoughts that have been reeling through my head about projects, and inspirations regarding this new journey I am about to embark upon.

I'm listening to my intuition lately, yet I still find myself standing restless, impatient, ready for it all to happen NOW! Though my inner source of wisdom whispers to keep holding still. The moment is coming. The time for it all to click will be here soon...just BE PATIENT, please. Have courage. I read this today:

Change thrusts us into chaos...Courage is mandatory.

So much changed 5 years ago for me. 5 years. I've been living in the aforementioned fog for FIVE years. How has so much time passed without me being fully aware. No wonder my body broke. No wonder my world came crashing down around me while life moved on. Looking back, I see it was a tidal wave of change that rocked my ship. Within months of each other:

My Mother committed suicide.

I sold my Grandmothers house, the one my Mother had been living in, the one I was supposed to keep in the family.

I bought my new house.

My ex-husband almost died in Iraq.

I made choices to be with my son, to help him through the trauma of what happened to his father.

I graduated with a degree in the wrong field.

I got married (again).

I gave birth to my second child.

I almost lost my father to a heart attack.

I was overcome by grief, sadness, post par-tum depression, and a slew of delayed reactions to all that had been happening in my life while I moved on auto pilot.

I crumbled. I came to a point where I wanted to just give in...if only to stop feeling, but I held on, and just as I felt I could hold on no longer, things began to shift.

I started to happen across moments of pure chance, luck, good fortune. I've had a few jobs that have came out of nowhere that have inspired me to stop lamenting past choices and follow what feels right. I've met new people, taken a couple of classes. I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone and learned something new about myself.

I'm not done yet, though. I'm still in this process of transformation. And this is what must be said for myself to hear, and perhaps you, who read this. Now, more than ever, I must practice patience.

I'm going to read this book that is inspiring me, then I'm going to read the next one that I "stumbled" upon. I'm going to write. I'm going to walk. I'm going to take pictures of what moves me. I'm going to nurture my soul, my body, and my mind. I'm going to be present with my children. I'm going to love my husband consciously.

Only then will I be ready for what is coming. I feel as if I'm growing my wings again, but I'm not quite ready for flight. I need more courage. I need more strength. The woman I am meant to be has almost arrived. So I will be patient for now, and I will listen, and when the time is right, I am confident I will succeed.

06/02/2010

I've had to take a break for awhile, but I'm feelin' the itch to come back to this. I've been so overwhelmed lately as I try to get back into the working world. I'm doing it because I'm antsy being at home everyday, and because we really need the money right now. It is proving to be more difficult (mentally) than I thought, though!

My daughter is a Mama's girl, no question about that! She's not too keen on my leaving her behind whenever I have to go somewhere. It pulls at my heart like you wouldn't believe, and makes me question everything I'm doing. On one hand I am loving my time "out". I'm meeting creative people again. I'm thinking creatively again. I'm adding to my resume. I'm networking and enjoying the socialization. I've been so isolated the last three years. I loved having that time with my daughter, but I'm hungry for adult conversation and creative collaboration!

On the other hand, I know my daughter needing me like this is only temporary... and I hate to rush this time in my life. There are days when I really do feel good being at home, watching the kids, caring for them, making homemade dinners, and gardening....but it gets lonely. It gets old sometimes. I try to appreciate the moments, but they blend together after awhile. If I get a chance to do a job on location for a bit...I seem to be able to appreciate my time with the kids more when I return.

It's all about balance I suppose. I know I need to nurture my own soul while I'm nurturing theirs...otherwise there isn't enough of me to go around. If I don't, resentment sets in and I don't want to ever feel that. It is so difficult to remember to take care of yourself, though, to not overlook your own needs when everyone else's are so pressing.

As I move forward, I'm working hard on not feeling guilty that I'm doing something for ME, even if it is momentarily taking me away from my family. They will benefit from it, too, one day. Not just financially, but emotionally. I won't be so frustrated or stressed out. They won't have to experience me being like that. My kids will have opportunities to bond with other adults (especially my daughter who needs that like you wouldn't believe!), and my husband will have the chance to interact with the kids without having me around as a buffer!

All I know is it takes a lot of courage and self-confidence to put yourself out there after such a long break from the working world. I feel blessed that it is going as well as it has. I feel blessed that I have people in my life who believe in me and support what I'm trying to do, even if it is just a series of small baby steps right now. It all leads into the "big plan" eventually.

Right now I'm looking at two weeks of educational teaching at Discovery World and four possible photography jobs. Each day presents new opportunities, if I keep my eyes open. I'm lucky that I'm finding freelance work right now, so I can continue to make my own schedule around my family life. I'm excited to see where this all goes!

For now, though, I'll just keep moving forward...one day at a time... believing in myself and my abilities, and appreciating the moments I have with my family more in between.