A conservative Tinfoil Sock wearer examines options for the end of the world as we know it.

Some people have a fondness for trying to put things in perspective by saying:

"Ultimately, it's not the end of the world."

And they are right. The decision on whether or not to use one brand of feminine hygiene product over another particular brand of feminine hygiene product, for example, is not the end of the world.

What these people do not realize, however, is that at some moment in the near or distant future they will say "Ultimately, it's not the end of the world", and they will be unmistakably, undeniably, horribly wrong. Because at that moment, something catastrophic will happen and it WILL be the end of the world. So, neener neener, whoever that person is at precisely that time because you will be SO wrong. Hopefully you will not be talking about feminine hygiene product in that moment because that would be a horrible AND embarrassing death. No one wants to die in an embarrassing way. I mean, the death part is bad enough, amirite?

I was going to post one of those end-of-the-world pictures, but I kinda got scared so here's a puppy.

Our planet struggles daily with an incredibly complex ecological balance. When that balance is upset, entire species can go extinct in an event. This is what is meant by the term "extinction event." Hence the name, "extinction event." It's a term for when a species goes extinct. During some kind of an event.

Explained in language understandable by a fifth grader: in extreme instances, significant biodiversity curtailment occurs, as exhibited in the Permian-Triassic extinction event(initiating the border between the Paleozoic and Mesozoic periods.). Researchers theorize this event manifested either through bolide impact events, release of methane clathrate, or the increasingly popular "alien laser wombats" theory, which describes a horde of supersentient wombat-like creatures descending upon an unsuspecting earth and eliminating fauna in an effort to seize their most prized resource: genetically modified corn. While a select few dismiss such theories as "ridiculous conspiracy nonsense", it should be noted that GMO giant Monsanto has not commented on this possibility so far, indicating a clear "smoking gun" relationship that cannot be ignored.

If you believe science and their so-called "facts", 83% of genera became extinct in the Permian-Triassic extinction event. That's a number far larger than the chances of human beings surviving into the 22nd Century: 50%. It is also significantly higher than the chances of you finishing this entire article: 18%. On account of my long-windedness in writing important facts that cannot be disputed, which frustrates people because they hate truth and freedom and America.

Scientists estimate that even if we outlast our own mortifying fascination with end-of-times weaponry, the sun will explode in five billion years. Some estimates put that closer to a horrifying FOUR billion short years in the future. With the clock on humanity ticking like this, we must act NOW to save our planet using any measure possible. I am not kidding, we need to use EVERYTHING at our disposal, and if that includes extreme amounts of Silly Putty or even some other space-age material like that, we just need to do it. Yes, I just linked Silly Putty.

Let's face it: humanity isn't gonna work. We can't even agree on whether Dish Network or DirecTV is Better than cable TV. We're fragile, without fur to protect us from extreme cold, claws to help us capture food, venom to assist in the stunning of our prey. We don't have jaws that unhinge. We don't have tails. All the cool stuff we totally missed out on. And evolution has not yet graced us with perhaps the most important trait: reflective skin to prevent our future extinction when the alien laser wombats return.

If you ever see this sign, the invasion is clearly underway. RUN.

All we have going for us is our brains - which is why zombies want them, DUH - and if you've read this far into the article I REST MY CASE on why humanity is doomed. I mean seriously, you're still reading this? Go cure cancer or something.

We at tonymarkey.info are starting a foundation to save the most successful creature before it becomes extinct: the termite. As the last possible survivor of life on this planet, some animal needs to represent us in the future, and they are obviously better suited than mammals without fur, claws, or sharp teeth.

We need your help. Give today! Your dollars will be used to provide food and shelter for termites - and clothing when it becomes necessary - at our future termite safe house in North Pole, Alaska, the future epicenter of the free world.

With your financial support and as little as 10 dollars a day, termites from around the world will find safe haven in our small, space-saving structure(sometimes referred to as "pile of wood" in our upcoming IPO documents)designed for their comfort on the side of the Richardson Highway. That is, once termites evolve an ability to survive in the climate of Alaska. Given how amazing termites are, this ability cannot be far off.

This is a common misrepresentation which attempts to paint earth's sole hope in a negative light.

Your dollars may also support future counseling efforts to help termites cope with their new leadership role and responsibility as earth's sole post-apocalyptic survivors. That has GOT to be stressful, so we think termite counseling is probably gonna help them a lot.

Here's to hoping that with the proper conditions termites will be able to successfully survive(as opposed to unsuccessfully surviving, which would just be a sucky effort on behalf of everything here on Planet Earth) the next extinction event. With any luck, enough evolution, and perhaps a little uranium-assist from their human slaves(big shout out to Japan for their recent leadership in this area!), termites may grow strong enough to survive even the most deadly alien laser wombat attack.

As long as the alien laser wombats' own evolution hasn't made them even more deadly. All the more reason to give generously today!