Men who live with their parents slam latest Call of Duty as 'nothing like war'

Thousands of men who live with their parents have criticised the latest instalment of the hugely successful Call of Duty franchise today, claiming the game 'lacks the reality of real, hardcore modern combat'.

The latest release, 'Ghosts', which early reports indicate has sold in-excess of ten million copies in its first week, 'fails to depict the true horror of coming under heavy mortar fire', according one gamer, David Topham, a single 43-year-old office supplies salesman from Stafford.

'You're talking to a man who has done twelve-years for Queen and XBOX here', said David, who was given the game as a thank you from his mother for hoovering the stairs. 'The life of a soldier is a tough one. You're constantly dodging rocket-propelled grenades, jumping out of helicopters, losing legs and stuff. This game is an insult to that harsh reality. I should know; I completed Assassin's Creed in under two-weeks'.

Infinity Ward, the developers of the hit game, have asked fans to 'stick with it', claiming that the game is 'layered', and that the initial firefights are simply a prelude to more realistic war scenarios, like when the city of New York comes under siege from laser-shooting Iranian warlords.

'I'm a war vet, and I'm not sold', claimed Thomas Pike, a PS3 'Sniper Specialist' with five-years bedroom combat experience. 'When I was airdropped into the unknown with my unit to conduct our first clandestine mission behind enemy lines, I just had this empty feeling. It just didn't feel like the real thing'.

The 19-year-old telesales agent added: 'I toured Vietnam in 2008 as a Black Op, reached a skill level of fifty in just two-weeks for my bravery battling Russian terrorists in MW3, and now I'm insulted with this child's play? Who is it they think they're dealing with here exactly?'

Despite being disappointed with the early feedback on the game, Infinity Ward were relieved to discover that they weren't the only developers to receive a scathing review, after the creators of the latest Mario Kart game were slammed by fans for failing to capture the reality of being chased by a giant mushroom-throwing tortoise on a jet-fuelled scooter.

It's the deadly earnest solemnity of these bedroom warriors which is the most depressing.

There is a certain highly-regarded Army regiment not 100 miles from my home where, it is alleged, if you are lying in a ditch, heavily out-numbered, pinned down under a hail of insurgents' bullets, you haven't eaten or slept for two days, you have almost run out of ammunition and your gun has jammed, the helicopter sent to rescue you has just crashed and your mate on one side has been killed, the guy on your other side - who had just had a leg blown off - will say "Well, if you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined up."

Might work better as '10 year old boys slam latest Call of Duty as 'nothing like war' as they have, unlike grown men should have, no idea of the real horrors of war. Although that would require a complete rewrite.

Thanks, chaps. The headline suggestions are great, cheers. I have a good three hour window to change it. @Robo - I see what you mean. There's just something slightly sad and cringeworthy about 'grown' men criticising computer war games, though.