Wednesday, October 15, 2014

{He Says/She Says} When Love Grows Up

Since moving in with A. and spending so much more time with one another, there have been all these new facets that I'm discovering. In the beginning I was worried that we'd become boring roommates and lose the sexiness, but over the last weeks I'm realizing that this feels…different. At some point in all this, the relationship matured. When I look at A., yeah, I see his flaws as I'm sure he notices mine, but it doesn't matter so much because the overarching thought that goes beyond all our disagreements and misunderstandings is this: we're a team and we make it work. I was never really told that this is what long-term love evolves into, but I can see how you could ride this for 45 years like A.'s parents have done.

{He says} Most people go looking for that crazy, whirlwind, overwhelming love that takes you over and carries you to do silly things you'd never imagine. That's not how it happened with me and you. Our relationship was very deliberately fostered. We may have had our moments of temporary insanity, but they were less about getting carried away with each other and more about doing brash things for fun. We were rarely mistaken about who the other was and we refused to look past the flaws we saw in the other. Instead, we acknowledged our imperfections and sought to improve as individuals. It was a long and grueling process, but what we have as a result, I feel, is so much stronger than what people normally aim for.

I imagine someone visualizing what they'd like out of a partner and then rifling through a stable of candidates until they find someone who is close enough. If I had used this method, I would have never stopped at you. And you know that. But what we have, as a result, is stronger than what any momentary fling might seek to replace. You and I are both deep and complicated people, so it's taken years for us to get to know each other. We certainly know and appreciate each other more than we can see in other relationships.

For all the times I refused to let you run away. For all the times we changed to make the other person happy instead of clinging to our stubborn ideals. We're solid.

As long as we keep working.

{She says} I remember you once told me that you could have ended up just as happy if you had met someone else that night. I thought that was such a unromantic thing to say then, but years later I sometimes look at you and think the same thing. I could very well spend my life searching for more, for better, for different. I could hold out for other options, expecting finer picks from another draw. But I don't want to.

There's this deep satisfaction that comes from working through life's difficulties with someone. He might not be perfect, but he's willing to grow with you. It's not settling either, it's accepting that this person you've come to care so much for is your partner in crime and at the end of each day, he'll be there to talk about his dreams and support you through yours. He's there to navigate your mood swings, complete your thoughts, and is unrelenting when it comes to your self-improvement. He admires you as you are and envisions the person you could be. You might not always adore each other and some nights you'd rather sleep on the couch than hear this person breathing next to you, but you know you have to make it work. After all we've put into this relationship, there's just no throwing in the towel.

Yes, the girly, lustful, infatuated side still exists and sometimes it's all I can do to not drown you with affection, but this other side feels more serious, practical. It's me looking at you and resolving to help you learn, grow, and be happy. It's me looking at you and thinking, Yeah, we're in this.

I haven't commented here in a sweet forever (but I keep up with you via instagram!). I don't know if I've shared this with you before but I remember when my husband and I did pre-marriage counseling. I was worried about divorce as my family is nothing but divorced couples or couples who are extremely unhappy. My husband's family is the opposite. The therapist we visited said, "You can have two couples who, on paper, are exactly the same. But the one is happy, one is miserable. The happy couple is happy because they know how to talk and work through the stuff." That spoke volumes to me. Your post mirrors that. I love the title, "Love Grown up". SO TRUE!

Well I'm glad you've come out the woodworks! So nice to see your face on here.

Divorce has always been on my mind because most of my family has been unable to make their marriages work. Even arguments were this earth shattering situation that I just dreaded so I had to learn how to have a disagreement and not feel like it's the end of the relationship, that there are ways to communicate your differences while still being respectful and intent on finding a solid solution. Working on our communication, I feel, is what's improved the bond a lot. Making the other person feel like they're being listened to and considered is key.

I love this post. One thing I think that stands out as part of why you've created this foundation is within your reply to Kelley. You said "communicate your differences while still being respectful"...that key is what I think goes first in the failed attempts. Differences create sides, which can create stubbornness and proving points, which can lead to forgetting the solution has to be mutual and not a win/lose. It's difficult, and it's even moreso with the fact the idea of marriage has morphed over the centuries from an expected staple of stabilizing and growing cultures and communities to something you CHOOSE to do but isn't seen (necessarily) as a necessary tool to maintaining our community's stability. Maybe that's where we've failed as a whole....I don't know. I don't have many answers personally or otherwise. I just know I love what I see in you two. Always have. :)

HELLO

Hi, I'm Dorkys, a NYC-based writer/illustrator who's currently loving art journaling, decorating my new apartment, and relearning how to play the guitar. Here, I cover life, my art and writing career, travels, and the ins and outs of surviving in this hectic city.