Monday, 27 February 2012

SCENE: The Voluptuous Woman and the Bearded Man are in the car. They are heading southbound on the A19 and are about 5 minutes away from their house. Despite a recent haircut, the Voluptuous Woman is in fine form. Also despite a recent haircut, the man is sporting a beard that will, in a day or two’s time, be at that notable stage just after “Blithe Untidy Student” but before “Stinking Dirty Hobo”. This song is on the car stereo, and as it begins, our heroine turns the volume up a little.

VW: God, I remember when this record came out like it was yesterday. I was 13. I’d come to England to go to my Auntie Lisa’s wedding and it was big news at the time – Morrissey’s first solo album – it was everywhere. I remember coming home from that holiday and going to the library to borrow the LP.

VW: Anyway – I think the timing of this song was pretty parallel to my sexual awakening. These lyrics drove me mad at the time.

BM: How do you mean?

VW: Well... listen to this bit – where in like, a snarly, surly, sexy way, he says:

“Were you and he lovers? If you were then say that you were...”

and then in the next verse he goes:

“ Put a note upon his desk: ‘P.S. Bring me home and have me. ‘

Leather elbows on a tweed coat? Oh, is that the best you can do?

So came his reply: ‘But on the desk is where I want you.’

So I ask (even though I know): were you and he lovers?”

BM: And?

VW: And HOLY SHIT -- that was a pretty alarming discovery for girl whose leisure time was previously filled with riding bikes and jumping rope.

BM: Aaaaaah...I see what you mean.

VW: I was like... ‘People leave rude notes for other people about doing it on desks AND THEN THEY DO IT ON DESKS?!’ Screw riding bikes – get me some leather elbows on tweed coats! Get me ‘on a canvas with the tent flaps open wide!’ I want in on this!

BM:(pensively, then mocking) I’ve got a song that was 'parallel to my sexual awakening', as it happens..

VW: Oh yeah?

BM: Mmm-hmm. Arguably less poetic than Morrissey with his tweed coats or what have you, but I know what you’re talking about.

VW: You do? What was the song?

BM: I’m not telling you the song.

VW: Tell me the song!

BM: I won't.

VW: Why not?

BM: Because you will laugh and then you will take the piss, and then you will write a blog about it.

VW:(laughs) As if...

A few minutes pass while the song ends and the couple arrives at their destination. The woman pulls into the drive, applies the handbrake and unbuckles her seatbelt. The man follows suit, and goes into the house, shutting the front door behind him. The woman is retrieving a shopping bag from the back of the car when the front door opens, and the man’s head peers out from behind it.