(Closed) Bachelor party- am I too controlling?

A couple days ago, my FI’s best friends texted him to talk about having a bachelor party in the next couple of weeks. My Fiance turned around and asked me what I think and whether he should go or not. This is how the conversation went:

-FI: “What do you think? Should I go”

-Me: “Yeah, absolutely. Go and have fun” (I thought it is just a regular party with no stripping)

-FI: “Oh okay, I will let them know. So, what is the boundary? What is a no no?”

-Me: ” You know what, I am just going to be honest with you. I am not comfortable with this whole thing. I don’t believe in the whole idea of looking at women right before you are getting married”

-FI:” I understand. I have never been to strip club or into it anyway. Going or not doesnt make any difference. I will let them know just dinner and regular club. Oh, how about you and the girls join us too. It is boring with just the guys”

So, it was a happy ending in my case. I am grateful that my Fiance and his friends are so understanding. His best friend said “it’s your party, your call. My girl friend should be happy by now since there is no strip club”

I think I made a good decision by being honest with my Fiance. If I pretended everything was cool, I would feel uneasy after the fact.

Any Bee think that I am too controlling? I feel a little guilty. But I have heard so many horror situation and would rather everything stays this way

I don’t get why people get so up in arms about strip clubs. Who the hell cares? Just let him have fun.

Since your guy isn’t comfortable with going, what exactly do you think you controlled? It’d be controlling to stamp your foot and demand he sip wine and watch a movie or something instead of having fun.

@goldfish2308: I think you did exactly what you should’ve done: be honest with the man you’re marrying. If it makes you uncomfortable, you should be able to say it. I can’t tell you how many heartbreaking stories there are about a bride trying to be “cool” about the bachelor party. My husband and I did dinner and game night (xbox) with friends and had a great time.

@goldfish2308: I think it’s better to be honest now than to pretend it’s okay and then deal with the fallout later. If your Fiance is okay with how you feel, then I don’t see anything wrong with the situation.

I also don’t see the problem with a guy going to a strip club for his bachelor party, as long as he’s just looking and not touching. But, you expressed how you felt and he agreed. There’s nothing wrong with that.

@goldfish2308: My husband wouldn’t have even had to ask. He doesn’t conduct himself that way in his regular life, so why the hell would he do it before the biggest commitment of his life? You are not being controling at all. Lots of folks have stag and does and there is no need for you to feel anger, resentment, and bitterness while he is out paying to look at naked girls. It’s a good thing you spoke up first! So many women don’t and regret it. It would also show you where his priorities lay. Imagine he refused and pleasing his friends was more important?

In my experience, it is usually the friends who want to do it. My husband’s friends thought it was a great idea and he told them no way before he even told me about it. He knows without asking what I would and would not be cool with, and besides that – he hates strips clubs, so why would he make an exception to please his friends and displease me? No, that would definitely not work for us. Good for you! Don’t let anyone tell you that you are controling – only you know what works for your relationship and your partner is obviously cool with it.

Strip clubs are really not that bad. They are very controlled environments (for the most part) and it’s not like all the women there are out to hook up with the customers – it’s just *designed* to seem that way.

It’s not an issue of thinking you are too controlling, just wanting to reassure you (in case you have not ever been to one yourself – I have been to a few) that it’s really, really not as bad as what I feel like a lot of people imagine it is.

@goldfish2308: I don’t think you are too controlling at all. You were nothing but respectfully honest about your thoughts re: strip clubs. And your Fiance showed you the same respect by being understanding.

I know that some women are cool with their guys going to those clubs, and that’s fine. I’m of the “not cool” camp personally though. I don’t think it’s whether you let or not let your guy go – it’s how you deal with your own feelings on the issue and how you approach your SO/FI.

@coffeeloverbee: Although I have never been to a strip club myself, but I can understand exactly what you are talking about. The strippers are there to make money, not to make any kind of connection to the customers. I have nothing against stripper. I would not mind if my Fiance went there in the past, before dating me ofcourse.

I just can never get the “tradition” of seeing naked women before getting married. I mean it is a big committment in life and to me, it should be a sacred moment. I just want our wedding day untainted

@ButterflyButterfly: It’s not like he asked my “permission” to go. My Fiance just has the habit of asking for my opinion about everything.

@goldfish2308: Not controlling at all. You voiced your honest opinion (so important in any relationship) and he made his decision on his own.

I understand your discomfort with strip clubs. I know I’m in the minority, and a lot of bees will say that if you trust your man it doesn’t matter. I trust my fiance with ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, so for me it’s not a matter of trust — it’s more a matter of respect, which I think is what you were getting at in your post, too.

I know my fiance would never get a lapdance or go into a private room, not just because he knows I myself am not comfortable with that, but because he’s not comfortable with that type of scenario either (like your Fiance, he has also never been to a strip club).

So even though I know he would not do anything that could even be construed as cheating, I still find strip clubs disrespectful. I mean, there’s nothing that screams “I’m ready to be married!” than, “Man, I can’t wait to get that lapdance from that hot stripper before I’m tied down FOREVER!”

All in all, what’s important is that a couple be on the same page with these things. If you were okay with strip clubs and your Fiance was okay with strip clubs, then that would work for you–and I know couples that this is completely fine with who have great relationships. But for a couple like me and Fiance (or like you and your FI), strip clubs are a no-go zone… and that’s okay too.

It doesn’t make you controlling that you voiced your honest opinion. I think there’s a stereotype that ALL men are just DESPERATE for a stripperfest bachelor party and that ALL women who aren’t comfortable with that are just irrational, jealous, uncool, and controlling types. Some things just aren’t right for everyone, and you’re certainly not controlling because you told him the truth and he decided on his own that your feelings were more important than a bunch of naked women he’ll never see again.