Exuberance and Change

I said the hardest part was the decision to leave. Everything else seemed to fall into place. Yet it occurs to me, that makes it sound easy. It wasn’t. After I decided to leave, it still took a while. Several days I spent sitting in my room, nearly shaking from the sensations that filled my body. It all felt so strange. I told myself: “Of course it feels strange! This is change! I don’t know what’s happening and it’s all very new and unfamiliar.” At times it reminded me of the time when I decided once and for all to recover – that I’d had enough. Indeed, this time around I’d also had enough – from a relationship that made me miserable, depressed, and even vaguely contemplate suicide. No, I wouldn’t have done it, but the mere thought of the possibility was like an alarm in my brain, telling me that some drastic change was necessary.

Since I’d never done this before and didn’t have any good examples to follow, I had to figure it out on my own. I kept in mind that I wanted to do it with love and compassion. There was no desire to hurt or get even. We had both done the best we could under the circumstances, but we had made some major mistakes early on and got caught up in destructive patterns that are hard to change while you’re stuck in them.

Now I am happy and excited, but it was nerve-wracking along the way. I feel blessed and grateful that things have developed as well as they have. It’s not always that way. Life is full of challenges, happiness, disappointments, setbacks and progress. I keep that in mind and take it as it comes.