I can't do this any more

I'm sorry for posting another thread so soon after my first one, but I'm even further in the dark now than I was a few days ago.

All I want to do is curl into a ball and read, because reading distracts my mind and makes time pass, and I don't have to think about anything.

But my boyfriend (ex? I keep arguing with him not to leave me because I am desperate, but emotionally he's gone, so I don't know what to call him - I'll just stick with boyfriend I guess) over the last few days - he's been wonderful to me, up to normal human tolerances. He'll still come over, despite all of the pain I've caused him over 14 years of me using and abusing him emotionally. He'll still have dinner with me. But then we try to do anything else - play computer games together, talk, pretty much anything else, and all of the emotional pain comes back out. He can't take it any more, he can't stand being around me, because basically I'm asking him to swallow the pain of what I've done to him and to go on like nothing happened. I never try to make amends for what I've done to him.

I am the kind of person who does not care about anyone or anything other than myself. This has been proven over the course of my relationship with my boyfriend (who I used to make myself happy, while not caring at all about his own happiness) and with my family. This is not fixable through therapy. I am not going to suddenly "learn" how to care through therapy or by taking medication.

I want to just read and read and read and not think about anything, but I also want to see and talk to my boyfriend, but I want things to magically be better, without making any effort to make things better. I don't want to see him, at the same time, and I wish he'd leave me alone, but I know he spent 14 years of his life being a good person to me, and taking care of me and nurturing me through one of the worst times of my life, so I'm being even more unfair to him by retreating from the world.

My boyfriend was the one bright, happy thing in my life, and I crushed and destroyed him and our relationship.

I want to die. I don't want to fix things. I can't endure this any more.