Navigation

10.19.2015

House GOP Budget Talks Collapse After Donut Hole Dispute

LAST UPDATED @ 2:31PM (10.19.2015)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - This morning, House Republican budget talks quickly collapsed over a dispute about what types of donut holes should be available on the conference table for breakfast. Establishment Republicans reached an impasse with the Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party Caucus over plain donut holes and jelly donut holes, respectfully.

"What kind of people don't eat plain donut holes? Speaker Boehner suggested plain donut holes could only happen if they were glazed, because no one else but us would eat plain ones. Well, if they are glazed then they are not plain donut holes anymore," explained Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH-04), Freedom Caucus leader.

Jordan continued, "The Freedom Caucus doesn't compromise on anything. So I stood up and told my people it was time to leave. We'll sit down with Speaker Boehner and our Republican colleagues to discuss the budget when they become a little more reasonable, and agree to give us everything we want."

"The Tea Party Caucus was getting into it with Boehner about how we only wanted jelly donut holes when Jim Jordan left. Louie Gohmert began screaming 'Benghazi' when he realized Boehner would only agree to a dozen jelly donut holes," stated Tim Huelskamp (R-KS-01), Tea Party Caucus leader.

Both extreme-right caucuses condemned Speaker John Boehner, who they claimed had "an obvious bias for chocolate and glazed donut holes that Congressional Democrats would love to have for their communist breakfast."

Speaker John Boehner clutched a jug of Carlo Rossi Chablis as he told the press his morning budget meeting with the Freedom Caucus and the Tea Party Caucus was "very promising, encouraging, and productive."