#3. Johnny Turbo Brings You the TurboGrafx-16

If you don't acknowledge that the Turbo Duo is the first CD-game system ever, a fat man in galoshes will cripple you! Also, fuck Sega!

In 1992, Turbo Technologies, Incorporated released the Turbo Duo, which was the successor of the TurboGrafx-16. To promote the new system and compete with Sega CD, TTI invented corporate spokeshero Johnny Turbo and plugged his adventures in gaming magazines.

... he leaps into action as Johnny Turbo, who then assaults the FEKA agents unprovoked.

Imagine you're a bystander here. You're just trying to buy a SEGA CD, but suddenly a coked-up sanitation worker waving a gun starts screaming about Sherlock Holmes and pummeling the salesman. At this moment, are you thinking about A) the Turbo Duo; or B) the sudden warmth in your Hanes?

After defeating FEKA, Johnny Turbo invades his roommate's dreams to subliminally hawk the Turbo Duo game, Lords of Thunder. Unfortunately for his roomie, Johnny's sales pitch is akin to being double-teamed by the ghosts of Syd Barrett and Captain Lou Albano.

When Johnny tells his roomie about a secret code to access Bomberman, well, the reader has front row seats to the birth of a neutron star.

At the end of the day, Johnny Turbo failed to boost the Turbo Duo's sales, and the system went under in 1995. The moral of the story? Death threats and acid flashbacks are no way to sell kids video games.

The comic opens with a brief overview of Rinehart's early life. As you can see, he was in the Air Force and--oh, who's that horned fellow at the bottom? Yup, that's Satan. You better get used to him, because he's got a severe revenge boner for Brett Rinehart.

The devil apparently takes umbrage with Rinehart's party plank of keeping Oklahoma totally not gay. We think this vendetta between Brett Rinehart and the Dark One is just a big silly misunderstanding. It's obvious that Rinehart mistakenly thinks "gay people" is a synonym for "ancient Romans."

After Rinehart affirms his commitment to keep the gays (re: gladiators) out the Sooner State, he takes some jabs at his political opponents. You can read the rest of the comic here, but we'll just tell you the high point of this ugly mess is a macrocephalic she-male screaming typos.

No, YOUR kidding.

In 1962, George C. Wallace used this comic book tactic when running for governor of Alabama, and he got the job. So things had to work out for Brent, right?

Jughead it ain't.

Well, no. Rinehart came dead last in the county commissioner primary elections. That's right, even his political base thought he was too crazy. To top things off, he was soon after prosecuted for fraud and money laundering. If he decided to act as his own attorney, we would pay good money to sit in on that trial.

#1. Captain Al Cohol

The Comic's Intended Message:

Even the strongest of us can succumb to the alcohol addiction!

Its Accidental Message:

You must be legally intoxicated in order to understand what the hell is going on in Captain Al Cohol!

Throughout the 70s and 80s, the government of the Northwest Territories, Canada released a series of promotional comics starring dipsomaniac superhero Captain Al Cohol.

Ostensibly a well-meaning attempt to warn the children of Canada's northern climes about the dangers of alcoholism, Captain Al Cohol is instead a depressingly hilarious romp through a lost space alien's battle with the bottle.

Unlike other alcoholic superheroes (Iron Man, for example), Captain Al Cohol doesn't take many proactive steps towards combating his addiction. In fact, he doesn't even do much superheroing. He just wanders around Inuit country, getting shitfaced and allowing tragedies to befall him and his loved ones. Imagine if Lex Luthor could pick up Kryptonite at 7-Eleven and you'll understand why Captain Al Cohol has zero dramatic tension.

Fortunately, those tragedies are what keep Captain Al Cohol worth reading. Feast your eyes on Al's girlfriend getting run over by a spontaneous musk ox stampede...

... a flashback to when he accidentally incinerated his space family...

Aliens don't get drunk. They get swacked.

... or that one time hippies made fun of his outfit.

Naturally, Al's screw-ups induce further shame. So what does he decide to do?

Steal money and buy beer. Tony Stark, eat your heart out.

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