Ok, so about 4 weeks ago, I get a call from my mom. she's sobbing as she tells me her fiance (my dad passed 4 years ago) has been verbally abusing her and shoving her and she has decided to have a restraining order and have him removed from the house. I applaud her, tell her I'm there for her, call him and let him know that I am aware of what has been going on, and as far as I'm concerned, he is out permenantly. My mother on the other hand, said things like "if he gets therapy and goes to AA, maybe I'll start by dating him again". She told me that he told her that my father never loved her or us kids. That's when it became personal for me. So I call jackass up, ask if all this is true, he beats around the bush, but eventually fesses up under the guise of too much drinking and some anger management issues. He promises he will get help but just loves my mom. I tell him I'm only 2.5 hours away and wont hesitate to come up there to make sure she is OK. I even let him know, I'm not afraid of a few nights in jail.

So, yesterday, I get home from a weeklong vacation. I call my brother, who my family will be staying with when we go up for Thanksgiving. Through casual conversation, I find out that jackass is back in my mothers house, and plans on being there for Thanksgiving.

I call my mother, she says he's trying very hard and if he screws up, he is out. He has been to a counselor once since this, and no AA meetings or anygthing like that, though he is reportedly on "medication" now.

I told my mother that I'm not comfortable taking my children up there, and since I wasn't the one that made the situation what it is, then perhaps he could leave the house for the day while we are there. She refused, so I said **** it then, we aren't coming. She gets all pissy and tells me all the things she did for me as a mother and I should come up for her. I'm not going on principal, not to mention, I'd be uncomfortable and might even get in the guys face. Am I doing the right thing? Should I just eat my principles, and go and be a good little son and sit there and act nice? What say you Dr. CP?

I'm not saying that's the wrong way to look at it... but, this is his mother. I'd like to think that if something like this were to happen in my family, that my brother or I would support my mom. I'd like to know that down the road... my boys would do what they need to do to support their mom.

I don't know if his mom has a history of bad decisions or not - is this just abnormal and a bad deal because she's trying to live her life for the first time in forever without his father (died 4 years ago) and she's just in a hell of a bad relationship? If so, then he needs to support his mother and not bail out on her - regardless of how f'ed up this could be...

Family is family, he doesn't show up and the drunk boyfriend wins and further dictates how life rolls.

The drunk boyfriend is there 24x7 and has complete control of the situation.

Him showing up on Thanksgiving only means the BF has to wait until he leaves to start being an asshole again.

Not showing up tells his mother loud and clear that he doesn't approve.

This isn't about the BF, this is about his mother.

All true. But, there's a lot we don't know... and if this is a situation where she's kind of crying out for help, then he's leaving her in a dire situation. This is about his mother, which is why I'd go ... maybe you leave the kids at home, but I think I still go if I'm him.

Go, but leave the wife and kids at home for Thanksgiving in the evening. Make sure your mom knows she is welcome to come see the grandkids any time, or you will bring them to see her anytime Stumbly McDrunk isn't around. You aren't using the kids to control her behavior, but that you don't trust a man who cusses and shoves women, therapy or not.

Showing your Mom and boyfriend that you can't just be shoved out of the picture will send a nice message.

Curious what your brother's thoughts are on all this?

__________________
"I don't really think there is a need to raise or debate this point."
-jAZ

You're all warm and fuzzy, aren't ya big guy. Again, there's a lot here that we don't know. I'm reading this as a deal where his mom had been married to his father for most of their lives - he died 4 years ago and this may be the first relationship she's been in since then. If so, it's unfortunate that she chose poorly.

I'm also taking a guess here that if that is true - she doesn't have a wealth of dating experience and much like that generation, is used to the guy calling the shots - thereby resulting in her having no freaking clue as to how she might escape this abusive relationship.

If all of that is bullsh and she has a history here... then, sure let her figure it out. But, that's where I'm coming from with my commentary.

I actually went through a similar situation a few years ago with my mother in law. The guy wasn't alcoholic though, but he had mental issues. He didn't work because of it.
They came to visit once and at like midnight he was downstairs making noise so we told him to be quiet, and he started yelling and screaming, so we told him to leave. Her mom sided with him for quite some time afterwards, but we knew the guy and his character. He sort of brought her down to his level. She stopped working and they sat around the house and got fat. We wouldn't go to her house when he was there, and he wasn't welcomed at ours. Eventually, she saw the same things we did and got rid of him.
I think the problem with, "putting aside differences for your mom," is that he can pretend it's ok. If you disapprove then you disapprove. No sense being fake. You can still be nice to your mom - invite her over without him. Go places without him. You don't need to pretend the guy is ok. If he wants to show for a long time that he's a square guy then you change your opinion then.

I actually went through a similar situation a few years ago with my mother in law. The guy wasn't alcoholic though, but he had mental issues. He didn't work because of it.
They came to visit once and at like midnight he was downstairs making noise so we told him to be quiet, and he started yelling and screaming, so we told him to leave. Her mom sided with him for quite some time afterwards, but we knew the guy and his character. He sort of brought her down to his level. She stopped working and they sat around the house and got fat. We wouldn't go to her house when he was there, and he wasn't welcomed at ours. Eventually, she saw the same things we did and got rid of him.
I think the problem with, "putting aside differences for your mom," is that he can pretend it's ok. If you disapprove then you disapprove. No sense being fake. You can still be nice to your mom - invite her over without him. Go places without him. You don't need to pretend the guy is ok. If he wants to show for a long time that he's a square guy then you change your opinion then.

Another way to look at this - and it depends on the family dynamics, the relationship you had with your mom and dad - how would your father like you to handle this situation with your mother... his wife?

You're all warm and fuzzy, aren't ya big guy. Again, there's a lot here that we don't know. I'm reading this as a deal where his mom had been married to his father for most of their lives - he died 4 years ago and this may be the first relationship she's been in since then. If so, it's unfortunate that she chose poorly.

I'm also taking a guess here that if that is true - she doesn't have a wealth of dating experience and much like that generation, is used to the guy calling the shots - thereby resulting in her having no freaking clue as to how she might escape this abusive relationship.

If all of that is bullsh and she has a history here... then, sure let her figure it out. But, that's where I'm coming from with my commentary.

You're an enabler, plain and simple. I'd kindly tell her how to fix her situation, and I'd even help fix it. I'm not going to be around it though, and neither would my kids. This is her choice. A guy like this doesn't change.

You're an enabler, plain and simple. I'd kindly tell her how to fix her situation, and I'd even help fix it. I'm not going to be around it though, and neither would my kids. This is her choice.

Ah, I see. There's definitely a time and place for tough love... depending on the back story, my commentary may change. If there were a history of this with the boyfriends, there's no chance that I'd be there or put my kid's through it.

My first instinct was the "Stick to your guns." and "don't go." response.

Then, I realized that the "if you don't go and he does, then he wins, because he controls her life." response is correct.

I say go, but leave the kids. It lets the guy know that you aren't going to chicken out just because he is there, but it lets your mother know that this relationship has consequences (no grandkids around). Your mom will blame you for not going, but not seeing her grandkids is the REAL and ONLY punishment she will understand.

All true. But, there's a lot we don't know... and if this is a situation where she's kind of crying out for help, then he's leaving her in a dire situation. This is about his mother, which is why I'd go ... maybe you leave the kids at home, but I think I still go if I'm him.

Again - lots of back story here that is not known.

The only way him going to Thanksgiving dinner helps her is if she LEAVES WITH HIM afterwards.

Him showing up proves nothing since things go back to "normal" the minute he closes the door.

You're an enabler, plain and simple. I'd kindly tell her how to fix her situation, and I'd even help fix it. I'm not going to be around it though, and neither would my kids. This is her choice. A guy like this doesn't change.