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09/30/2013

NEW YORK (BHN) - In the latest of what has become an endless string of foreign policy blunders, gaffes, missteps, flubs, miscalculations, snafus, misjudgments, boners, and boo boos, President Obama inadvertently traded American and Israeli security for an Iranian hoax.

Speaking before the United Nations last week, Obama agreed to now accept Iran's nuclear program, saying his decision was based on the fact "the Supreme Leader has issued a fatwa against the development of nuclear weapons."

The Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI) was quick to report that "no fatwa has been issued by Supreme Leader Khamenei and does not exist. Apparently someone in the Iranian administration called the White House and informed them that a 'phat-wa' had been issued. A phat-wa is, of course, a letter of encouragement."

White House spokesman Jay Carney defended the President, saying, "It really wasn't his fault - after all, it's not like it was in writing."

09/27/2013

NEW YORK (BHN) - A new poll shows Americans would much prefer Russia's Vladimir Putin as their president over Barack Obama, based on trust.

In a stunning indication of how far Obama's popularity has fallen since his reelection, a majority of respondents also said they would choose a retarded Cocker Spaniel over our current president by a margin of almost two-to-one.

White House spokesman Jay Carney discounted the results, pointing out that "even retarded Cocker Spaniels are smarter than some people."

09/26/2013

NEW YORK (BHN) - Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan was the special VIP guest of Iranian President Hassan Rouhani on Tuesday night. Rouhani and the Iranian delegation are in New York for the United Nations General Assembly.

The new Iranian leader notably snubbed President Obama earlier, but like other sworn enemies of the United States before him, made time to cozy up to the controversial calypso singer-turned Jew-hating false prophet.

Sources called the chemistry between the pair "electric," and suggested with Muammar Gaddafi now dead, "Hassi" may have moved to first position on someones speed dial.

09/25/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (RTRD-Ca) possibly suffered a stroke or seizure last week during a speech to fellow progressives.

During the rambling, often incoherent address punctuated by spasmodic arm gestures, frantic blinking, and audible farting, Pelosi became increasingly disoriented and confused.

Excerpts from her speech:

"And to paraphrase what our founders said in the Constitution of the United States: they said great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included." (The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx.).

"As President Washington said during the Gettysburg Address, It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends." (Dumbledor in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone).

Sources close to Pelosi say she is receiving treatment for an unspecified condition brought on by "excessive thinking."

09/24/2013

Bisexual activists from around the country participated in activities that included "exchanging phone numbers and photos, playing 'Truth Or Dare,' and roundtable discussions on sexually transmitted diseases, divorce, and living with perversion/sexual confusion."

A White House source attributed the decision to hold the celebration of visibility in secret to a "personal high level request."

09/20/2013

AL HASAKAH, Syria (BHN) - A missing American CEO of a popular online news site has turned up in a remote Syrian town in the company of a radical Muslim rebel organization.

Scooter Van Neuter, owner and editor in chief of Big Hairy News, reportedly gave no indication to family or coworkers that he was joining the rebels. The newsman had been missing for two days when a photograph showing him with the rebels and several unidentified females was shown on a French television news story about 'sexual jihad' being waged by Tunisian women.

A U.S. State Department spokesperson told reporters, "We don't know why he (Van Neuter) left, or if he's even a Muslim - it's all a mystery. We definitely want to talk to Mr. Van Neuter."

09/19/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - This week President Obama disclosed he has found a pen pal in new Iranian president Hassan Rouhani.

Obama mentioned his connecting with the Iranian leader during an interview Tuesday on Spanish language television network Telemundo. "I felt Mr. Rouhani was somebody who was looking to open dialogue with the West in a way that we haven’t seen in the past, so I sent him a letter - it just took off from there.”

Through our exclusive sources in Tehran, we have managed to obtain one of President Obama's letters to Rouhani (below). Included is perhaps one of the first seen examples of the President's artwork.

09/18/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In the wake of last week's successful arms control agreement with Syria, the White House announced Wednesday it has reached a "monumental breakthough deal" with Iran.

"We are pleased to announce that through tough, unwavering negotiations, this administration has achieved success in obtaining an ironclad promise from the leadership of Iran that they will not assemble the nuclear weapon components they have built. The world can now breathe a sigh of relief," Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters.

In an unusual move, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei praised the American president, calling Obama "the hardest negotiator ever," and confirmed that after finishing the components of several nuclear devices and their missile delivery systems, his country will "definitely" not assemble them.

Reaction to the deal ranged from giddy celebration by Democrats led by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, to panicked emergency civil defense drills in Israel and Saudi Arabia.

09/17/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Sen. Diane Feinstein (RTRD-Ca) wasted no time in capitalizing on Monday's mass shooting at the Washington Navy Yard, by claiming guns are deliberately making many otherwise-normal individuals mentally unstable.

In a hurriedly-called press conference, the California Democrat said, "I ask you, why are these shooters always crazy? The reason is obvious, guns make people go insane - I know the only time I ever held one, I wet myself and attempted to shoot my nephew in the face. Thank God it was unloaded."

Feinstein is well known for her work in reducing gun-related injuries and tirelessly promoting the killing of unborn children.

09/16/2013

NEW YORK (BHN) - Time Magazine's September 16 foreign edition features a cover story picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin dressed as a pimp with a caption declaring "Vladimir Putin: Barack Obama is my little BITCH."

However, the American edition features a cover dealing with college sports, of all things.

"We determined our domestic audience is happy with the President's performance, so we went with something more important to Americans - college athletics," said a source at the magazine.

Time has a long tradition of shielding liberals while ruthlessly going after conservatives, which explains why the dual covers are only garnering attention outside of the United States.

09/13/2013

GENEVA, Switzerland (BHN) - Angers flared during talks between Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov and U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry Thursday.

Kerry was clearly not amused when Lavrov entered wearing what reporters described as "electrodes and different haircut and forehead."

Presumable in response, Kerry proceeded to give a "painfully long" extended monologue for his opening statement which prompted Lavrov, when finally given an opportunity to speak, to caustically remark "Sometimes diplomacy demands silence."

Kerry later told reporters he is "getting tired" of the lack of respect the Russians have been showing him, saying, "Mocking is not going to get rid of the hideous weapons of mass destruction threatening the world."

09/12/2013

MOSCOW (BHN) - In what many in Washington see as political bullying on an international scale, Russian President Vladimir Putin informed the Obama administration Thursday of additional stipulations to Syria's chemical weapon disarmament.

In a personal letter sent to President Obama, Putin said the the agreement would only go forward if:

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry "personally" loads the poison gas canisters onto UN trucks.

Presidents Bashar al-Assad and Putin are provided with a video of First Lady Michelle Obama 'twerking' in a thong to Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back."

President Obama releases a public statement proclaiming "Vladimir Putin is the best president in the world - he is a stud."

A source in the White House described an "outraged" President Obama angrily denouncing the demands, as aides combed nearby stores for a "gigantic thong."

09/11/2013

Witnesses say a large group of motorcyclists coming up behind the estimated 25 Muslims marching in the street accidentally ran over most of them. Horrified onlookers report some fleeing victims were killed in a nearby park, apparently by panicked bikers who became disoriented.

A police spokesman said the bikers told them they originally thought the marchers were "a flock of seagulls" until it was too late to stop or swerve. "I can tell you the bikers were extremely upset - some of the bikes were really damaged," he said.

Via social media, Pushkov wrote "The Americans seem to be holding a contest to see who is more retarded - President Obama or the idiot John Kerry. Vladimir bitch-slapped the Americans without breaking a sweat."

09/09/2013

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia (BHN) - On Monday Russian President Vladimir Putin suddenly and unexpectedly joined President Obama in demanding Syria surrender all of its chemical weapons.

The move apparently confirms rumours that Obama gave in to stiff demands from the Russian president during their brief behind-closed-door meeting at the G20 Summit. A candid photo of the discussion (below) seems to confirm the two worked out an agreement.

A senior White House aide confirmed a deal was hammered out in St. Petersburg, but said, "From our perspective it was far from perfect."

09/06/2013

AUSTIN, Texas (BHN) - A new video game featuring the aborting of unborn children promises fun for the whole modern family when it hits the shelves soon.

The product of two Texas women, the game "Bye Bye Baby" was developed as a way to both promote the wholesale slaughter of unborn infants, and to protest against Texas’ strict abortion laws.

The object of the game is to get your character - either a drunken slut who regularly gets knocked up at college parties, or an inner-city welfare queen/hoodrat with 17 boyfriends, to an abortionist so she can get back to the fun.

On the way to Planned Parenthood, you have to maneuver past evil praying Christians, self-righteous do-gooders, and overcome a persistent spirit of guilt and shame. The reward is making it to the operating table where a doctor cheerfully dismembers then tosses your bloody former problem into a trashcan while you celebrate. Points are awarded for fastest time, and biggest baby.

The game's creators, poet Allison Woople and video game historian Karli Kockoreck, say they want to remove the stigma of killing one's children, and portray it as a "normal, necessary, and fun thing to do."

09/05/2013

MOSCOW (BHN) - Russian president Vladimir Putin accused US Secretary of State John Kerry Thursday of not being truthful about who was behind the deadly Syrian gas attack.

"We talk to them (the Americans), and we assume they are decent people, but unfortunately Secretary of State Kerry is a lying douche bag. We are disappointed in that we had hoped he had changed since his Vietnam days," said Putin in the televised address.

An angry Kerry responded by comparing Putin to Genghis Khan.

In his address Putin also announced that a thorough Russian analysis of the gas attack confirmed it was done by Muslim extremist rebels, not the Syrian military.

09/04/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Sec. of State John Kerry appeared before Congress Tuesday to make a case for President Obama's decision to save face punish Syria for atrocities against Al QaedaMuslim fundamentalist rebels civilians.

In what some considered deja Vu, Kerry recounted crimes committed by Syria's military:

"Rebels personally told me that Syrian military forces have raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside. Also they used poison gas."

Political experts expect President Obama to receive permission to carry out a limited, punitive attack on Bashar al-Assad's military assets.

Secretary of State John Kerry recounts Syrian war crimes before Congress

09/03/2013

DAMASCUS, Syria (BHN) - The online feud between 11-year-old Hafaz al-Assad. son of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, and President Obama resumed Tuesday as the young Assad again taunted Obama on Facebook:

Assad: Hey Barry, has your mom given you permission to bomb us yet? We're getting tired of waiting, you little pussy.

Obama: I'm now sending two Tomahawks to your bedroom, you little prick.

Assad: Speaking of that, Mooch told me last night your white half really "short-changed" you in that department. I'm only 11, so I don't know what that means :P

Obama: THAT IS A LIE. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE MY GIANT MISSILE COMING YOUR WAY YOU LITTLE BASTARD

Assad: What an incredibly gay thing to say - I guess the stories are true. Hey, Dad wants to know if you'd come over after the war and redecorate our main palace, and maybe help him pick out some new clothes?