Ask Sex Coach Leigh: Femdom

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Ask Sex Coach Leigh: Femdom

Q: My boyfriend and I started our relationship as a vanilla one, though he was already a submissive. At first he was seeing someone else to meet his kink needs, but we started to have femdom experiences together and he stopped seeing his Mistress. Now he’s saying that what we do isn’t enough, and he wants to explore more of the femdom world and be free to have other partners. I’m at a loss, because I feel denied as a Domme and also like I’m not good enough. I was expecting that it would just be the two of us, and now I’m not sure what to think. I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of. How can I manage this in a healthy way?

Hi lovely! It makes sense that this is bringing up a lot of insecurity for you. You had a vision for your relationship, and now your boyfriend has revealed something that is threatening to that vision. I think there are two things to consider here: how this would affect your kink dynamic, and how this would affect the future of your romantic relationship.

I don’t get the impression from your question that you are in a 24/7 D/s dynamic, therefore I’m assuming that you are his Domme in sexual or play situations, but not all the time. Is he looking for more kink experiences with you as well? Do YOU want to engage in more power exchange than what you’re currently doing? If that’s the case, maybe there’s a way to broaden the femdom experiences you are having as a couple. You could try new activities (rope, impact, or sensation play, for example), or consider some public kink scenes, like clubs or dungeons. Being watched or watching others play is a great way to test the waters of playing with other people, whether that’s what you ultimately want or not. It could also be beneficial for both of you to expand your kink community (or find one if you don’t currently have one). This could give you a glimpse into how other people structure their relationships, as well as a built-in support network.

You mentioned feeling denied as a Domme. Has he said anything to lead you to believe he doesn’t see and honor you in that role? Or is the fact that he’s interested in other partners enough to give you the feeling that you are somehow lacking? It can be easy to put ourselves in the position of mind-reader, especially when we’re feeling threatened. Whatever the answer here, I think it is important for the two of you to have a heart-to-heart conversation specifically about the kinky side of your relationship: Are your roles clearly defined, and do they mean the same thing to both of you? What is working? What could be improved? Are everyone’s needs being met? How does kink add value to your relationship? What new things would you like to try? I urge you to have this conversation BEFORE discussing the introduction of new partners and to think of it as an exploration and clarification, rather than something that causes anxiety.

So let’s talk about the future of your romantic relationship. When you say that your boyfriend wants the freedom to have other partners, what kind of partners is he referring to? If he wants new play partners but not new sexual partners, that could be a way of keeping one set of activities exclusive to your relationship. I understand it could still bring up feelings of not being enough as a Domme, but I think this could be an extension of the conversation about your kink dynamic, with additional questions like: How would other Mistresses affect your dynamic? Would certain words, activities, and role-play scenarios be reserved just for you, or is everything on the table? As you know, BDSM involves a lot of clear communication and negotiation. The good news is you most likely already have these tools.

If instead your boyfriend is asking for an open or polyamorous sexual relationship, then there is another set of questions to consider. You say you are not sure what you are afraid of, which makes sense. I would suggest that you spend time thinking about exactly that: Is the fear not being special? Being replaced? Being abandoned? Feeling left out? When you have an idea of what is at the root of your feelings, you can more easily put things in place to make you more comfortable. That could look like establishing a primary or hierarchical relationship, or having scheduled date nights, or making space to have weekly or monthly check-ins. Considering opening up your relationship is something that I view as an ongoing conversation, rather than a one-time event. As you explore these ideas, you can talk more about how you think this would impact your current relationship, what positive things it could contribute to your partnership, and what your long-term vision looks like. You can also dig deeper into relationship agreements: about safer sex protocols, hard limits, levels of transparency, communication between metamours, and more.

There is one thing I haven’t mentioned yet, and while I hope all of these tips are useful, this might be the most important: it is okay if this is not the relationship you want. You are allowed to feel your feelings and set your own boundaries. You might not want your sub to have other Mistresses. You might not want your partner to have other sexual partners. Compromise is essential to relationships, but not at the expense of your needs. So as you consider what this change could look like, and how your relationship could evolve, remember: sometimes folks are not sexually compatible, and that is no one’s fault. Make sure that you are listening with an open heart to not only his desires, but also your own.

And lastly, if you or any of our readers need more guidance around kink and non-monogamy, consider hiring a sex coach like me! We can work together to help you build the relationship(s) that’s best for you.

If you have a sex or relationship question you would like me to answer (anonymously), please contact me.