Month: December 2015

Mindfulness is an increasingly popular notion in the workplace, with companies such as Apple, Yahoo, Starbucks, and Google using it to their benefit. Google, for example, offers employees a 19-hour course on the subject, which is so popular that thousands of Googlers take it each year.

So what exactly is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a simple yet effective form of meditation that enables you to gain control of unruly thoughts and behaviors. People who practice mindfulness are more focused, even when they are not meditating. Mindfulness is an excellent technique to reduce stress because it stops you from feeling out of control, stops you from jumping from one thought to the next, and stops you from ruminating on negative thoughts. Overall, it’s a great way to make it through your busy day in a calm and productive manner.

Ellen Langer, a Harvard University psychologist who studies mindfulness, described it this way: “Mindfulness is the process of actively noticing new things. When you do that, it puts you in the present. It makes you more sensitive to context and perspective. It’s the essence of engagement. And it’s energy-begetting, not energy consuming. The mistake most people make is to assume it’s stressful and exhausting—all this thinking. But what’s stressful is all the mindless negative evaluations we make and the worry that we’ll find problems and not be able to solve them.”

And why is mindfulness becoming so popular in the workplace?

While the benefits of mindfulness are many, perhaps the most important reason that companies such as Google are sold on it is its ability to directly improve performance. Langer has conducted a host of studies that show that practicing mindfulness improves your performance on all types of tasks.

Still, the mindfulness movement isn’t all about performance; there are a number of other important reasons why companies are making mindfulness a priority. Five of these reasons follow, all great illustrations of why we should all be using mindfulness to our benefit.

Mindfulness is the ultimate stress-reliever. Stress is more than a performance killer; it’s a people killer. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, roughly two-thirds of all hospital visits are for stress-related problems, and 75% of health-care expenses are stress related. Stress can cause high blood pressure, autoimmune diseases, cancer, heart disease, insomnia, depression, anxiety, and more. Mindfulness is a great stress reliever because it takes you out of fight-or-flight mode and brings you into a relaxed state of mental clarity and calm.

Mindfulness improves your ability to focus. Mindfulness improves your ability to focus on one thing at a time. This focus carries over into everything you do. Mindfulness teaches you to avoid distractions and bring a heightened level of concentration to your work. While you may have fallen prey to multi-tasking in the past, mindfulness will help you to kick this nasty, productivity-killing habit. A focused mind is a productive mind.

Mindfulness boosts your creativity. Creativity hinges on your mental state. Mindfulness helps you to get into a creative frame of mind by defeating the negative thoughts that stifle creative thinking and self-expression. The fact that mindfulness focuses on “the now” helps you to think freely and creatively.

Mindfulness improves your emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions that achieve positive results. EQ is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others and to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships.

Decades of research now point to EQ as the critical factor that sets star performers apart from the rest of the pack. It’s a powerful way to focus your energy in one direction with tremendous results. TalentSmart tested EQ alongside 33 other important workplace skills and found that EQ is the strongest predictor of performance, explaining a full 58% of success in all types of jobs. Of all the people we’ve studied at work, we’ve found that 90% of top performers are also high in EQ.

The heightened awareness that exists in a mindful state allows you to more clearly feel, label, and understand your emotions. This turbocharges your emotional intelligence because it greatly increases your self-awareness, which is the foundation of a high EQ.

Mindfulness makes you a better person. A Harvard study found strong connections between mindfulness and prosocial behavior. Subjects who meditated showed compassion and kindness to others 50% more often than those who didn’t. There’s something about feeling present and calm that brings out the best in people.

Bringing It All Together

Mindfulness can improve your performance now as well as your capacity to perform in the future. Give it a try, and you’ll be surprised where it takes you.

Have you ever tried mindfulness meditation? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below as I learn just as much from you as you do from me.

Dr. Travis Bradberry is the award-winning co-author of the #1 bestselling book, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and the cofounder of TalentSmart, the world’s leading provider of emotional intelligence tests and training, serving more than 75% of Fortune 500 companies. His bestselling books have been translated into 25 languages and are available in more than 150 countries. Dr. Bradberry has written for, or been covered by, Newsweek, TIME, BusinessWeek, Fortune, Forbes, Fast Company, Inc., USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The Harvard Business Review.

Karen Young offers 12 ways to protect yourself from toxic people in your life.

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Family. Love them or love them not, there’s often a limit to what you can do with the difficult ones.

You can’t live with them and you can’t make them join the circus. When there’s a lifetime of emotional investment involved, it’s likely that any response will hurt and will require a huge push, whether it’s walking away or fighting for the relationship.

Even if you decide that the price of being in the relationship is too high, it’s not always easy to leave. Sometimes it’s just not an option. Whether you’re on your way out or bracing for more, here are some ways to protect yourself from the ones who scrape you:

1. Don’t let anyone else’s behavior change who you are.

Be dignified. Be brilliant. Be kind. Don’t let anyone reduce the best of you.

2. It’s okay not to be with them.

They may be your family, but you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to. If it feels too painful, explore what you’re getting out of the relationship by staying. If you choose to have a relationship anyway, let that be a testament to the capacity you have to make your own decisions and act accordingly.

Change the way you look at it. If you have to maintain contact, let this be your decision made in strength, not in defeat. Own the decision because it was the best thing to do for you, not because someone else decided it was the decision that needed to be made.

3. Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t buy into them.

Acknowledging how somebody feels doesn’t mean you agree with them. Saying something as simple as,“I understand you’re really angry but I see things differently to you,”or, “I know that’s how you see it and I have no interest in changing that. I have a different view,” is a way to show that you’ve heard. Letting people know you’ve seen them and heard them is so powerful. Doing it and standing your ground without getting upset is even more so.

4. Set your boundaries. And protect them fiercely.

We teach people how to treat us.

Imagine a visual boundary around yourself. You’ll feel when it’s being stepped over. Your skin might bristle, your chest might ache – it’s different for everyone but get to know what it feels like for you.

When it happens, let the other person know. They might not care at all, or they might have no idea they’ve had that impact.

If your boundary isn’t respected, walk away until it feels as though it’s been reset.

Explain what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll do when that doesn’t happen. “I really want us to talk about this but if you’re going to scream at me, I’m going to walk away until you’re ready to stop,” or, “I really want us to work through this but if you just keep telling me that I’m not good enough, I’m going to hang up the phone.”

5. Make it clear this isn’t personal.

Insecurity is at the heart of a lot of broken relationships. Insecure people will feel attacked even when no attack is made. If this is a relationship you care about, do whatever you can to help the other person feel safe and secure. Insecurity is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who are insecure will often respond to the world as though it’s going to hurt them. They’ll be cold, they’ll judge, they’ll take the first strike – all to protect themselves. In response, the world walks away, confirming the insecure person’s view that the world just isn’t safe.

Show them you’re different.

Let them know that you don’t mean anything personally, that you appreciate their point of view and that you want to understand how they feel. (You might need to say it a few times!)

Whatever you do, don’t blame.

If you need to point out something they’re doing wrong, end it by letting them know that the relationship is important to you and you want to work on it.

The more positive you can be the better: “Every time I see you, you’re pointing out something else you don’t like about me. I really want to have a good relationship with you but it’s really hard when I feel like everything I do is judged harshly by you. Can we try and do things a little differently?”

6. Now remind yourself not to take it personally.

People will judge you, hurt you, put you down and try to break you – and most often, this will have nothing at all to do with you.

You don’t have to stay around and you don’t have to invest, but if leaving the relationship isn’t an option, seeing someone’s behavior for what it is – a defense against a world that has hurt them once too many times – will help to protect you from the pain that comes from taking things personally.

7. Find compassion

Difficult people weren’t born that way. Generally the way they are responding to you is the way they have learned to respond to the world to keep themselves safe. It might be an ‘adversarial’ “I’ll get you before you get me,” response. It might stem from having to control everything in their environment because they’ve learnt (somehow) that unpredictability isn’t safe.

Perhaps they have no idea of their impact on people and all they know is that relationships seem to fall like broken toy soldiers around them. Just because it’s painfully clear to you what they do, doesn’t mean it is to them.

There may be little you can do to change the relationship, but you might just be able to change the way it affects you. Feeling compassion is important because of the way it changes things for you. Compassion is an empowering choice you can make when you feel like you don’t have any choice at all.

8. Hold the space. For them and for you.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship you care about is to hold steady and give the other person time and space to work out whatever it is they’re going through – while you stand still beside them. This is different to the space people give when they stay away for a while.

Let the person know that you’re not going anywhere, if that’s what they want, and that there doesn’t need to be any resolution for the moment.

Do this without judging or criticizing.It’s so difficult to be in an uncertain relationship but sometimes that’s exactly what the relationship needs – time to work through the uncertainty without fear of losing the relationship.

There’s no need to hurry a relationship worth fighting for.

9. Accept what is.

One of the greatest sources of unhappiness is the chasm between what we want and what we have. The gap left behind by a family member who hurts you can be immense. What makes it worse is that the pain is often recurring, hitting you every time you’re with them. Who knows why some people have amazing families and some have families that drain them, but not everything makes sense. You don’t deserve a difficult relationship, but don’t allow yourself to be ruined by that. Acknowledge what it is, let go of what it isn’t, and flourish despite it.

10. You don’t need to convince anyone.

You are not here to win anyone’s approval. None of us are. Run the race you want to run. You don’t need to convince anyone of your reasons, your direction, or why you’re telling some people get out of your way.

Just go around them – it’s much easier. That you are silent, still and choose not to engage does not mean they’re right. It means you just don’t have to prove anything anymore. Because you don’t.

11. Is there anything you can do differently?

You might be dealing with the most difficult person in the world, but that doesn’t have to stop you from being open to the things you might be able to change about yourself. Is there any truth at all in what that person is saying? Is there anything you’re doing that’s contributing to the problem? This isn’t about winning or losing but about honesty, learning and growth.

Nobody is perfect – thankfully – and the best people to be around are the ones who are constantly open to their impact and their contribution to relationships, good or bad.

That doesn’t mean you have to take the blame for the mess, but this might be an opportunity for your own wisdom to flourish.

What can you learn from the situation?

What can you learn from them? Nobody is all bad or all good.

Take advantage of the opportunity.

Focus on what you can learn. Ditch the rest.

12. Leave with love

This is important. If you walk away from family, don’t let the final words be angry ones. You never know what the future holds. However angry or hurt you are, death has a way of bringing up guilt and regret in the cleanest of relationships and forever is a long time not to have resolution.

Anger is the one emotion that’s never pure. It’s always protecting another, more vulnerable one. Some common ones are fear, grief, insecurity, confusion. Tap into that and speak from there. That way, when you walk away, you’re much more likely to feel as though nothing has been left unsaid. Just because a relationship is ending, doesn’t mean it has to end angry.

You don’t want to leave room for regret. Leave it with strength, dignity and love because that’s who you are. Trust me on this.

There will always be those whose love and approval comes abundantly and easily. They’re the keepers. As for the others, if the fight leaves you bruised, you’d have to question whether the relationship is worth it.

There will always be people who try to dim you. Sometimes this will be intentional and sometimes they will have no idea. You can’t change what people do but you can keep yourself safe and strong, just as you deserve to be.♦◊♦

You get what you think about, whether you want it or not.

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You get what you think about whether you want it or not. I cannot recall who said this, but that is that way the universe and your mind works. We are all possessed with being able to create what we want. You may not believe this but the second you do, the manifestation begins. Earl Nightingale once said “You get what you think about, whatever you plant in you mind is what you will get, good and bad,the mind does not care what you plant.” Of course, I am paraphrasing to make my point.

Let me introduce you to a simple concept that I truly believe in. Whatever you really want in your life has always been waiting for you. We are the ones that keep moving in the opposite direction. In this article, I am proposing this: why not apply some simple methods like that one below to get closer to what is already waiting for you?

The D-I-S-H method will get your mind and thoughts aligned with what you want to create or desire.

The simple method that I have been using to manifest what I want to create is the D-I-S-H method. The D-I-S-H method will get your mind and thoughts aligned with what you want to create or desire.

The first trigger is the “D” in D-I-S-H and that is to DECIDEwhat you really want, I called this in my earlier article your “worthy ideal.” By the way, you can have multiples of these and the same method works for all of them. Without a decision, it’s difficult to create (not impossible) but it will just take you longer to get there.

Once you decide, you go right to the “I”, which is to INFORM yourself or INVESTIGATEyour decision. Find out as much as you can about your decision ask the following:

Is it realistic, and what skills do I need…?

What education, experience, or challenges are there…?

What are the rewards that come with this decision…?

Ask questions and be passionately curious about the decision. Remember, this is a decision that is a true “worthy ideal.” It means something to you, and it has a real purpose and benefit to you and others whom you care about.

The “S” is to SHAREyour decision with as many people as you can, with conviction. It’s almost like letting people know you are already there. This is really your thoughts aligning with your desires. It’s like you have developed a partnership with your thoughts. I am always amazed how well this works, but unfortunately, only 27% of us believe this.

The last part in D-I-S-H is the “H,” and you can probably guess what this one is: HOLD or HANG on to your decision, and get ready for the naysayers to come out of the woodwork. Many times it’s the people closest to you and those whom you care about the most. The secret is that you have already armed yourself with all of the information and details needed to make the decision that puts you in the driver’s seat. Everybody else is a passenger for this specific decision. This is also an opportunity to educate and explain to others how you got your mind to approve where you are headed.

This can also help others understand that you are serious and are moving forward. If you have the time show them D-I-S-H method and get them on their path to success, you will have most fun sharing this with everyone.

Terry Lancaster shares one magic word that will make your 2016 New Year’s resolutions last longer than your holiday leftovers.

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Almost half of the population makes New Year’s resolution every year.

Forty some odd percent of everyone you know wants to lose weight, get in shape, save more money, make more money, quit smoking, be nicer to animals and small children.

Unfortunately, less than one out of ten of us are successful in reaching our New Year’s goals. Only eight percent of all New Year’s resolutions stick around until the end of the year.

We start the year with the best of intentions.

On January 2nd, we’re as pumped up as we’re ever going to be. We are highly motivated.

On January 2nd, we’re energetic and enthusiastic.

On January 2nd, we get up at the crack of dawn, hit the gym, and drink our protein smoothies.

On January 3rd, maybe we do it all again, only without quite as much energy and enthusiasm. The motivation is waning.

By the end of that first week though, most New Year’s resolution are relegated to the ashbin of history. Shipped off to the dump with all the wrinkled up Christmas wrapping paper and the 8 foot tall Spruce Pine that has now lost all its needles.

Most New Year’s resolutions drift away within a matter of days because we’re counting on motivation to push us through and keep us going.

And motivation is a fickle friend.

It’s great for the rah rahs on January 2nd. It’s great for getting us out of the starting gates.

But motivation is almost completely worthless for creating long term changes in our life because motivation is a depletable asset. The more we rely on it, the less of it we have to rely on.

Motivation will always fail you at the exact moment you need it most, the moment you run out of it.

And then what?

Mostly we go back to the couch and check the TV schedule. All the new shows should be returning by this point. There’s always next year. At least we got in a couple of decent workouts. That counts for something, right?

Today I’m going to teach you the one magic word for making your New Year’s resolution last longer than than your Christmas Spruce Pine.

The word is AUTOMATICITY

I have a degree in English, but I still had to go look this word up the first time I heard it to make sure it was a real word. It is.

AUTOMATICITY (noun): the ability to do things without occupying the mind with the low-level details required, allowing it to become an automatic response pattern or habit. It is usually the result of learning, repetition, and practice.

We all like to think we’re in charge of our day to day activities. That we’re going through life making this decision and making that decision.

We like to think that the life we lead is a product of the decisions we make.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Research shows that we spend as much as half our waking life on autopilot. Lost in our own thoughts, multitasking, checking our notifications on our phones, doing anything and everything except the thing that we’re actually doing.

Because most of the things we do are habits and routines. They don’t require our conscious thought. You arrive at home after your daily commute from work with almost no recollection of the drive. You don’t need to recall it because today’s commute is quite similar to yesterday’s and to the day before. You can’t recall it because you didn’t consciously drive home. You were on autopilot

That’s automaticity.

Over the holidays, when you walked past the break room counter with all the holiday cakes and candies out, you didn’t DECIDE to take a piece of Chocolate Peppermint Christmas Bark and shove it in your mouth. You walked past the goody aisle, noticed all the goodies and your brain remembered that chocolate and sugar make it sparkle. The pleasure receptors in your brain were lighting up, enjoying the Chocolate Peppermint Christmas Bark, before your hand ever reached out to pick it up.

That’s automaticity.

The truth is that the life we lead is not a product of the decisions we make.

The life we lead is a product of the habits we create.

The life we lead is a product of the habits we create.

And we can create better habits in order to build better lives if we can just learn to put the amazing super power of automaticity to work for good instead of evil.

Here are three strategies that you can use to build automaticity into your resolutions for the new year.

Start Small

Choose an action so small that you almost can’t NOT do it.

Set a goal so achievable that it’s impossible to fail.

I’m talking about doing one push up.

Walking to the mailbox.

I had a friend email me the other night that she has started marching in place for one minute several times a day.

I’ve read of people who set their goal to get out of bed every morning and put their running shoes on. Not to run, just to put the gear on. Eventually after putting the running shoes on every day became a habit, they figured they might as well run.

Doing a pushup doesn’t deplete your motivation reserve. It doesn’t require any willpower to walk to the mailbox. Your brain knows how easy those tasks are; it’s not going to put a fight to talk you out of it. You can do those things. Easy Peasy.

Instead of of using up our motivation, these little tasks build up our confidence.

Reward Yourself

Quixotic goals do nothing but set set us up for failure and disappointment.

Expectations are the enemy of happiness.

But itty, bitty, teenie weenie, tiny little actions make it easy for you to check them off on your to do list. And there is nothing more satisfying on God’s Green Earth than a check mark on a To Do list.

Give yourself a literal check mark. Go borrow some Gold Star/Smiley Face stickers from your kid’s kindergarten teacher. Do your happy dance. Throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care and shout to the universe:

“Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!”

Don’t be afraid to celebrate even your tiniest of victories, because your brain is always watching.

Don’t be afraid to celebrate even your tiniest of victories, because your brain is always watching. If it notices that doing one pushup or walking to the mailbox or making one more sales call causes you to celebrate. It will start looking for more opportunities to make that happen. And just like with the Christmas Bark, the centers will light up before you even thinking about dropping to the floor doing another push up.

That’s how automaticity works

Repeat

It says so right in the definition that automaticity is usually the result of learning, practice and repetition so pick a small action and repeat daily.

We’ve all heard that it take 21 days to create a new habit. But that’s actually a point of debate among habit researchers and psychologists.

I’m not sure if it takes 21 days or 31 days or 365 days to create a new habit, but I do know that once you build it into your routine, your new activity starts to take on a life of its own that’s really beyond your control.

A few years ago I decided to take a 31 day break from drinking. I never intended to quit drinking. I liked drinking, but after one month, I felt so good I decided to give it another month and then another. Drinking had been my habit and my routine for over three decades. Now I haven’t had a drink in over three years.

Last year, I set a New Year’s resolution to run every day, not very far and not very fast, but every damn day, rain or shine. As of today, I’ve ran at least a mile every day for the last 387 days. A couple of years ago I couldn’t run to the mailbox without stopping to catch my breath and earlier this year, I ran across the Golden Gate Bridge.

So this year, instead of making another WISH list of thing that would be nice to have or accomplish, make a TO DO list of what you’re going to do to make that shit happen.

And then think of ways to build automaticity into those actions to turn them into habits that you can turn into a lifestyle and make 2016 your best year ever … Automatically.

Pamala J. Vincent has a few ideas to help you start AND finish your year a little better than in the past.

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While in the gym, struggling to complete the last of the planks and sit-ups, on the wall is the saying, “One year from today, what will you have wished you started?”

The truth is Jan. 2017 will arrive one year from today whether we complete a goal or not. Statistics report that 8% of people will be successful in achieving their resolutions. They testify that only 75% of us will maintain our resolutions through the first two weeks, and then it drops to 64% after a month, and only 46% after six months.

I’m not particularly fond of New Year resolutions, but I am a proponent of planning. It takes a lot of processing to evaluate where I am in my journey and where I want to be the next time I ask myself. Then it takes courage to write these goals down because now I have a black and white list that will either demonstrate success or failure. We can’t complain about where we are in life if we are not willing to plan for a better one. Call it a resolution, a life strategy, or organizational design, we all need a blueprint to move us from a rut to the finish line.

Understanding precisely what you need to do to meet your target and then writing it down, will lend itself to your success.

Here are a few tips on keeping your New YOU resolutions:

Attack one goal at a time. Too often we either set unrealistic goals or make too many resolutions. Try taking yourself on as a coaching client. You’ll need to assess you objectively. List your strengths, your weaknesses, and the areas you want to change or celebrate. Then I make a plan. Work backward from your goal to where you are today. Break success into smaller steps and get started on the first one by mid-January. If three months from now, you’re still stuck, you need a new strategy.

Make your goals measurable or don’t make them. Understanding precisely what you need to do to meet your target and then writing it down, will lend itself to your success. Saying something like I want to lose 50 pounds isn’t a measurable goal. Instead, say I plan to lose 50 pounds in five months. That works out to ten pounds a month, or 2.5 pounds a week. Do you know your current calorie count? How many calories will you need to decrease and burn per day, to meet your goal? Get real, find out, then stick to it. The same goes for quitting smoking: don’t just quit cold turkey, put on the calendar how many cigarettes you’ll smoke each day (decreasing every few days) until you meet your goal.

Connect new habits with old habits. In this hurry-up world, it’s easy to forget your new goals. Connecting a new habit with the routine of an old habit may help you remember your target. For instance, I place my floss by the remote control for the T.V., so when I sit down to watch the 10 P.M. news, I remember to floss. I put my vitamins in the cereal bowl, so when I eat breakfast, I remember to take them. I’ve also changed the coffee stand I go to every day to the one near the gym so that I work-out first. Simply placing a bottle of water on my work desk when I quit for the day, reminds me in the morning to start drinking my water.

Make realistic goals, write them down, and review them daily.

Take small steps and celebrate the milestones. If you’ve written down the incremental steps on a calendar for each goal, then celebrate them. When you’ve cut down to three cigarettes a day, or have gone 30 days without using your credit card, celebrate! Be sure your celebration isn’t using that credit card or smoking, replace it with something you’ve wanted to do: like a hike or coffee with friends.

Tell someone. Talking about goals with an accountability buddy can help to cement the plan. Give them permission to ask you how you’re doing or join a group that is like-minded.

Focus and be present in the moment. Make realistic goals, write them down, and review them daily. It only takes a moment to look at your goals. Then start your day aware of the things you want and mindful of the things that knock you off your plan. If you eat because you’re with friends, order smart, and spend more time listening to them rather than mindlessly eating. You get the idea.

Self-improvement is valuable. New Year’s resolutions are good excuses for starting what you already know what you want. Carve out alone time for planning the new year. Set goals, spend quiet time, outline, pray, and commit on a 16-month calendar your plans for purposeful living.

Define yourself. Who are you? What do I want to represent to the world, family, and clients? What will your purposeful design be for 2016? What new you will arrive on January 2017?

Cheating sucks.

You place incredible trust and security in your partner and relationship and suddenly it’s shattered. Cheating can be a sign that it’s time to move on, or it may also be an opportunity to take note that a fundamental aspect of your relationship that needs working on.

Unfortunately society tends to push us many times unnecessarily toward the former. However, in both his TED talk titled Are We Designed to be Sexual Omnivores? and book titled Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan gives evidence that human beings are not actually programmed for monogamy. Given this information, it’s actually quite impressive when a monogamous couple manages to stay sexually exclusive.

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Below are five reasons for not leaving your cheating partner when you both still want the relationship to work.

If the person who cheated is truly remorseful and does want to do the work necessary to rebuild the relationship, then consider the following:

1) You’ve made a commitment to being together. Whether explicitly through “Til death do us part” or implicitly through publicly declaring your exclusive relationship, you’ve chosen each other. Lean on this commitment through this mistake and start finding ways to rebuild trust. I’d highly recommend a counselor or a relationship coach to support you through this process.

2) Nobody is perfect. Perhaps you’re a bastion of monogamy and have never been tempted to stray. If you’re like most of us, this could have just as easily been you. They were presented with the perfect storm for a snowball of mistakes that made each following one easier than the last. If you traded places with your partner, what forgiveness and loving understanding would you be wanting from them? You might happen to be in the 4-8%, according to Dan Savage, of people easily able to maintain monogamy. If so, this is just one area you’re great at, so try having compassion for this fault of theirs, as they do for the areas in which you’re not perfect.

3) You’ve both invested in building a life together. Do you have shared finances, kids, friends and interests? How much intimacy have you shared together, deepening as it only can over time? All this takes a lot of effort to rip apart, so put aside for the moment the bias we’ve been given by our society and weigh the pros and cons for yourself. Is the entirety of what you’ve built together worth less than this breakdown?

4) They’re still here. If some big part of them really didn’t want to be with you, they wouldn’t have cheated, they would have just closed down the relationship and moved on. Talk to them and feel into their world, their guilt and shame. Ask if they’re willing to do whatever it takes, including fully considering your broken trust and living quite differently until it’s repaired over time. If so, then make the shared commitment to rebuilding your relationship the first thing that will in and of itself rebuild some trust.

5) Perhaps monogamy is not for you. This act may actually have been a blessing in disguise. The hurtful occurrence may have been what it took to realize that strict monogamy is not for you. Discuss your independent sexual wants and needs that overlay like a Venn diagram. If there’s enough crossover on what you really want, you may discover a model for relating that is more uniquely for you both. There’s a whole spectrum of relating outside of the classical sense, and if this sparks some interest check out my article on being Monogamish, which has the strength of monogamy and the variety of Polyamory.

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The biggest thing to keep in mind is as much as it hurts right now, you can heal and in fact strengthen your relationship by working through this challenge together.

Some unexpected, and sexy, reasons to keep coconut oil in almost every room in the house.

… did you know that it can help reduce abdominal obesity, is easy to digest and protects the body from insulin resistance?

I believe that coconut oil is one of the greatest item in the world, right up there with WD-40 and safety pins. There are so many uses of coconut oil that this list could realistically have 100 points, but I’m only going to go over a few of the best. I’m sure you’ll rush out and get some after reading this, so be sure to buy organic, virgin, unrefined coconut oil.

#1 — You can brush your teeth with it!

Put some coconut oil in a small plastic container with a lid, in your bathroom. Normal house temperatures will make the consistency of the coconut oil semi-solid, like butter. If it is too liquid-like, set it inside the fridge for a bit to harden it up. Wet your toothbrush bristles with water first and then simply dip your bristles into the coconut. Use about half of the amount of toothpaste you would normally use. You can either brush with this alone, or add one more awesome step: sprinkle the top with baking soda. I have my baking soda in an old spice shaker. When you brush your teeth with this combination, they will feel like you just had your teeth cleaned at the dentist’s office!

#2 — You can eat it!

Of course you can eat it and cook with it, but did you know that it can help reduce abdominal obesity, is easy to digest and protects the body from insulin resistance? It also has digestive benefits, anti-microbial properties, and is absorbed into the cells quickly where it is converted into energy rather than stored as fat. It can even stave off sugar cravings.

#3 — You can lube a squeaky hinge!

Just like WD-40, coconut oil can be used on all your squeaky hinges around the house. However, coconut oil is completely edible, so if you have small children or pets who get into everything, there are no worries if it gets licked off.

#4 — Coconut oil is for the face!

It works great as a moisturizer, makeup remover and sunscreen (about 15 SPF). Many people think oil equals pimples, but coconut oil does not equal pimple breakouts for many people. This is probably because it contains lauric acid, capric acid and caprylic acid, which have antimicrobial, antioxidant, antifungal and antibacterial properties. Of course, if you have skin problems, use moderation and test a small section first.

#5 — It is an aftershave, for all of your private parts!

Men and women both can use coconut oil after shaving, and I’m not just talking about the “usual” places, I’m talking about the nether-regions too. The groin, the member, and the all benefit from an after-smathering of coconut oil! It smoothes and soothes and remember, it provides an antibacterial for those little nicks!

#6 — It makes good sex even better!

And speaking of nether-regions—coconut oil makes the absolute best personal lubricant! Men, pay attention. It is superior to “jelly”-types of products because it is edible and naturally tastes good (and is mild too). Additionally, you don’t lose sensitivity as like you do when you use too much K-Y and things get so slippery that you lose friction. But that doesn’t happen with coconut oil. Coconut oil eventually absorbs into the skin—and when the natural lubricants of your lover start to kick in gear, you won’t lose friction because of over-lubrication and too much slipperiness.

Remember, it is also edible. Try it for a sensual massage which can then be licked off. Use your imagination.

You can slather a glob of coconut oil on yourself or your partner can apply it to the both of you. Put some coconut oil on your fingers before touching your mate —they will absolutely love the feel. Remember, it is also edible. Try it for a sensual massage which can then be licked off. Use your imagination. (Side note: don’t forget that since it is an oil, it might cause latex condoms to breakdown.)

So those are the best of the best uses of coconut oil—at least in my world. I keep a jar in the kitchen, a container in the bathroom and another in bedroom. I’ve even started buying it in bulk at Costco for those long, cold winters—wink, wink.

So, what do men love more than sex? Well, often it’s the feeling of falling in love, that crazy-wonderful feeling that drives us nuts, but we don’t want to live without.

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If you are attuned to media you may have the mistaken belief that all men want is sex, sex, and sex. Ask Woody Allen. He’ll tell you. “I don’t know the question,” said Allen, “but sex is definitely the answer.” Or look up quotes from that iconic sex symbol, Mae West. “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful,” she said. Obviously she was not as concerned about sex addiction, as I was when I wrote Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. Mae West’s view of good sex was short and sweet. “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

And we’ve all seen the tongue-in-cheek brain map of men.

But to understand the two things that men want more than sex, but are afraid to reveal, we have to dig a little deeper than what the media would have us believe. I’ll start with sharing a story from my own sex education class. Her name was Julie and I thought she was the hottest 15 year-old I had ever seen.

In my youth, sex education occurred every summer in the community swimming pool. Young males and females would eye each other, make a connection, then use the excuse of “playing” in the pool to touch each other’s bodies. Julie was always surrounded by guys and I was too shy to approach, until I realized that most of the guys were intimated by her beauty and didn’t rough house with her like they did with the other girls. I smiled, stepped in, grabbed her firmly around the waist and threw her up in the air. She squealed with delight and accepted when I asked her out on a date.

Since I was clearly not the “hottest” guy in competition for her favors I asked her honestly why she agreed to go out with me. I’ll never forget what she told me. “You made a real move on me and expressed your sexual desire.” Until that moment I thought girls, and least “good girls,” weren’t interested in sex and that’s all boys are interested in.

Julie was the best sex educator I ever had (at least until I met my wife, Carlin). It’s taken me many decades to decipher her message, but it starts with this:

Girls learn to pretend that they aren’t interested in sex. And boys learn to pretend that sex is all they are interested in.

Although many years have passed since my encounter with Julie, I would suggest that our knowledge of what men really love is still sadly outdated.As a result we suffer all kinds of problems from ADHD to Erectile Dysfunction. But we now have new scientifically-based information about what men (and women) really want.

Contrary to the simplified brain picture with “Sex” occupying the majority of the brain, there are actually three, equally important, brain centers that we now know guide our lives. Research scientist, Helen Fisher, describes these brain systems as follows:

Lust

Attraction

Attachment

To help you remember these, think, “It’s not a theory. It’s the LAA.”

Another way to think of these three systems is that they focus our attention on sex, romance, and children. To help us see how these three systems form the evolutionary roots of life, remind yourself of this fact: None of your direct ancestors died childless. Now think about this amazing truth. We know that your parents had at least one child or you wouldn’t be here. Your grandparents had at least one child or your parents wouldn’t have been here. And on and on back to the beginning of our ancestral history.

I’m sure we all know friends who won’t ever have children, but that was not the case for your ancestors. Three things had to happen for you to be here. Your parents had to have enough lust to get them interested in sex. They had to be attracted to each other. They had to stay together long enough to insure that you survived and grew up.

“I think the sex drive evolved to get you out there looking for anything at all,” says Fisher.

Romantic love, she thinks, developed to focus one’s mating energy on just one individual while Attachment works to keep us together long enough to insure the child’s survival. Attachment also provides the wonderful experience of building a life together.

So, what do men love more than sex? Well, often it’s the feeling of falling in love, that crazy-wonderful feeling that drives us nuts, but we don’t want to live without. Romantic love, Dr. Fisher believes, is a stronger craving than sex. People who don’t get sex don’t kill themselves or stop eating. People “in love” can do all kinds of crazy things.

Most of us have come to believe that romance can’t last through the years, that we have to give up that feeling for the more “mature” feelings of deep emotional connection. But recent research from Dr. Fisher’s lab shows that romantic love can still be present in people who have been married, 20, 30, or 40 years. When they did brain scans of couples in love, they found the only difference between young couples in love and older couples who were still in love after many years, was that the brain centers for fear and anxiety were less active in the older, in love, couples.

That’s what Carlin and I have discovered. We’re even more in love now then when we first met, but have a lot less fear and anxiety. What a finding. We can, in fact, have it all.

A solution for the couple who wants sex to be spontaneous and intimate, but finds it hard to make sure it happens.

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Years ago we would have laughed at the thought of “scheduling sex.” It’s not spontaneous, exciting, or invigorating. That’s what we told ourselves.

In reality we wanted our sex lives to be a time when we were connecting at a deep and intimate level. What it typically ended up being was the same place, same time, and the same position (hello again missionary).

Usually we would fall into bed, exhausted and worn out from the day, to make love that was mediocre at best. Episodes of spontaneous sex were few and far between.

There is so much that is happening in your life each and every day that if you do not take the time to learn how to best connect with your spouse you are going to struggle for years to come.

Six years ago we set out to change our sexual intimacy. We were frustrated with what sex had become in our marriage and knew that there was much more enjoyment than we were experiencing.

It was then that we started The Intimacy Lifestyle. The Intimacy Lifestyle is about making sexual intimacy a priority in your marriage each and every week throughout the year.

Communicate the Expectations

You both need to sit down and talk (communicate) about how your marriage will be transformed by scheduling sex. The ability to talk to each other is vital to all areas of your marriage — especially between the sheets. There is so much that is happening in your life each and every day that if you do not take the time to learn how to best connect with your spouse you are going to struggle for years to come.

If you aren’t sure how to start the conversation try taking a 20-30 minute walk with your spouse. The movement and the side-by-side conversation helps you to open up and process your feelings.

If you struggle to talk about sex together we suggest you pick up He Zigs, She Zags: Get Your Communication on the Same Path.

Ask Each Partner to Agree To “Take The Lead”

Once you both are on board you will need to set up the parameters. The two of you need to decide the days that each one of you will be responsible for taking the lead (initiating) when it comes to sex.

You are not going to have sex on all of your days, although that would be fun, but instead you are going to take the lead (initiate) on one of those days.

For example, this is how our Intimacy Lifestyle works.

On Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday I have to take the lead and initiate sex. I only has to initiate on one of those three days. We know that if we haven’t had sex on Sunday or Monday then we are sure to have it on Tuesday.

Alisa’s days to initiate and take the lead are on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. On one of those days she takes the lead and initiates sex.

Saturday is our day off. Although, there are times that we have a bonus day and enjoy each other on this day as well.

If initiating has been one-sided for the majority of your marriage then there is some work to do.

Now, keep in mind that this is what works for us. The two of you are going to need to spend some time in discussion on what will work for you. Maybe you block days during the week like we do, maybe you alternate weeks instead, or you come up with some variation that best suits your marriage.

Whatever you choose, make the decision to stick with this for three to six months. After this time visit how it is working in your marriage.

Define the Signs

The two of you need to talk about what it means to initiate sex in your marriage. If initiating has been one-sided for the majority of your marriage then there is some work to do.

You’re not alone, as this was our marriage for many years. Over time we have talked about and learned the cues each of us make when it is our turn to initiate. Some examples are:

Lighting candles in the bedroom

Notes with arrows on them leading to a specific place

A soft whisper

Texting throughout the day

Leaving a flower or a piece of chocolate on the pillow

Special piece(s) of clothing

Arriving to bed naked

Certain touches

Code words that can be used anywhere

We will say that learning to initiate sex is one of the toughest parts for many couples when it comes to The Intimacy Lifestyle. Take your time and learn what is best for the two of you.

It has transformed our marriage in many ways, from deep conversations, to a spiritual connection we were lacking …

It’s time to start scheduling sex in your marriage. For more information on how The Intimacy Lifestyle works in our marriage listen to the ONE Extraordinary Marriage Show – Scheduling Sex.

We have been using The Intimacy Lifestyle for four years now. It has transformed our marriage in many ways, from deep conversations, to a spiritual connection we were lacking, and it has accomplished one very big goal, one that was sorely lacking from our marriage: Sexual intimacy needs to be a priority in marriage!