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Sunday, October 2, 2016

Crop Circles Turn Up On Hairy Guy's Back

I’m a man with an
excess body hair problem that has made me the object of ridicule since puberty.
At the age of thirteen, when most of my buddies sported a whisker or two, I
grew a full hipster beard to hide my acne. I became successful with girls,
I guess, as sort of a whiskery novelty item.

But things went
haywire over the next few years. By sixteen, I had thick tufts of wiry black
hair on the top of my shoulders and so much “fur” on my torso and legs that the
gym coach made me wear a full-body wet suit during swim class. He said he was
worried my loose hairs would clog the filter, but I think he did it just to
humiliate me.

I became an
introvert. After graduating from high school, I took a job as a night janitor
in an empty office tower so no one could see me. I threw in the towel and gave
up on shaving. One Christmas I dyed my beard white and played Santa Claus at a
shopping mall. I wound up being so popular with the kids that I quit my janitor
gig. Now, I’m already booked solid for the next two holiday seasons. Amazingly,
I earn enough as Santa Claus every winter to take the summer months off—when I
allow my beard to go back to black.

This is where my
problems with crop circles began. My confidence renewed, I started going out
more, even venturing to the beaches of Lake Michigan
near where I live. I’m sure I must have been a ridiculous sight to some eyes,
what with thick body hair everywhere, but secretly knowing I was the region’s #1 Santa
Claus helped their wisecracks roll off my back.

Then one
afternoon, while on my favorite remote part of the beach, I woke up from a
pleasant slumber to notice something strange on my back. Parts of it were
completely bare. Large clumps of hair were in the sand surrounding my towel. I
ran to my car two hundred yards away. Looking in the rear view mirror, I got
the surprise of my life: an intricate pattern had been shaved on my back hair.

I thought I had
been the victim of pranksters until three months later when I saw an online
photo of a crop circle that had appeared in a farmer’s wheat field. Shockingly,
it was the exact same pattern that had been fashioned in my body hair earlier
that summer. I immediately emailed the website, but they didn’t want to do a
story on me because my hair had grown back. I lacked visual proof.

That was a
crushing disappointment. However, I will swear to this day that the same
entities that created the crop circle in the farmer’s wheat field cut the
pattern on my back.

I feel honored
that I was chosen as the first human “canvas” for their

mysterious art.

I thank Edgar Allan Poe Community College for offering me this forum. However, due to the sicko current trend of shaming hairy men, I choose to remain anonymous.