Monday, September 13, 2010

Camel Toes, Visible Panty Lines and Other Crotchial-Region No-Nos

Exhibit A: The Toe.

Leggings made their re-entry into the fashion world around 2005-2006 and their lucrative colors and insanely low prices made them the favorite bottom cover-up since denim jeans, but what are they really covering up? DO YOU FUCKING SEE THE LABIAL CREASE IN EXHIBIT A? If you do not, then you are the person guilty of sporting this look most likely. I am going to say this and I shall only say this once---Though leggings serve the same purpose as actual pants, they are not fucking pants. Pants are constructed in such a way that the fabric is not being swallowed by your vulva. Leggings are closer to the tights family. Wear leggings where you would wear tights. If you absolutely must utilize leggings as a form of pants, make sure the shirt you are wearing covers your hungry minge. Plus, your kitty is a lot happier if it is not on the verge of getting a yeast infection from your tight-ass, moist, polyester pant loins. There is a time and place for a sweet uterus display, but unless you are Lady Gaga or caught up on an 80s aerobics class, do not ever let me see that damn cooter of yours on a day-to-day basis and don't you fucking dare call it fashion. Frontal wedgies are never welcome and look painful. No person, male or female, is interested in the curves and folds of your pelvic hallway.

Exhibit B: The Umwhatthefuck.

I mean this is an extreme example of visible panty line. Not only is she wearing panties that are way too tight for her size, but she also decided that this was okay to show in public places. Her legs look like gummy worms because of this and I reserve the right to rip this apart. How much do you want to bet that she had the reddest indents on her thighs? It had to have hurt like a bitch to peel those heinous Hanes off of her sticky thighs. Why let yourself be a victim to this tomfoolery? Budget or not, you do not have to suffer the curse of visible panty lines. There are lingerie lines that specialize in making underwear and bras that are virtually seamless under your other garments. The brand Hanky Panky go for $18 bucks per panty at leading department stores, which is super pricey, but the colors go out of season and they go directly to the clearance racks at these stores and become a fraction of the price. There are also imitations of Hanky Panky underwear at Target, Walmart, TJMaxx and Marshalls that are, again, way cheaper. They are made out of a very thin lace and come in boyshorts and regular bikini styles. They are very breathable and stretchy.

Exhibit C: The best damn pair of poon-protectors on the planet.

I love Hanky Panky underwear because they are the perfect underwear. They are made well and will last as long as you require them to last if you take care of them. I choose to hand-wash my Hanky Panky underwear for many reasons. First of all, if I am buying $18 undies, I want them to last and I will treat them like gold. These babies come in many different colors and they never leave VPL which is fantastical. This brand also makes matching bras and bralettes if you so choose to match. These underwear are comfortable and you can barely feel that they are on your body. This is not a "no-no" for the record. It's a "yes-yes."

Exhibit D: The Trashiest Thing Ever!

Why? I mean...why though? Like...we get it, you floss your asshole. Congratulations. If you read my last blog, you know that I just cannot deal with the absolute need for girls/ retarded women to dress like street-walkers in the hopes that they look sexy. Exhibit D is an example of the trashiest fashion trend that has ever graced our eyeballs. How DARE this exist in this world! HOW DARE IT!!!!! If this happens to you or your friends, please refrain. Just fucking stop. You're not cool, you do not look hip, it's unsexy and people think you are trash. It is not stylish and it is not even relatively comfortable. And to the woman in this picture---Sexy? Yeah, no. Plastic rhinestones that spell out the word "SEXY" is actually quite the opposite.

So, in conclusion, mind your mid-region, for there is a lot of jiggle and folding happening and they should be properly decorated and not abused. If anybody thinks that exhibits A, B and D look okay, go swallow a knife because you must look like shit on a regular basis. That's the God-awful truth and you have inflicted it upon yourself. So cover-up that fredgie, dig out that wedgie and floss out your butt veggies, because this is the last time I'ma tell you that you need to alter that shit, mmmkkk?

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About Me

When I was an ankle-biter, my mom never taught me how to dress. There was one day that stands out in my style memory more than any other day of my awkward life. I was laughed at not only by my peers, but a few teachers chortled at the fact that I was a little mess in a dress. Picture this: Polka-dot tights, hand-me-down Mary-Janes, hot pink crinolin tutu, cat sweater, Disney Princess Jasmine's headpiece and a fuckload of beads. Fast forward to when puberty slapped me: pink hair, spike bracelets, fishnets, combat boots. NO! Now I have found solice in the fact that I'm still unique, but put together. I tend to gravitate towards ethereal romance with an edge. Don't hate.