The recent announcement of the 2009 NFL schedule took our minds off baseball long enough to dig up these gems. You are, of course, familiar with The Super Bowl Shuffle. Well, what you may not know is that the original 1985 release also included two remixed versions of the famous track: the Extended Vocal Mix and the Instrumental Mix (for all you karaoke rockstars out there). And because these masterpieces have been collecting dust for far too long, Chiblogo felt like sharing. Ladies and gents, The Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew!

With the CTA’s funding in perpetual jeopardy, it’s nice to see that they are trying some innovative solutions.

“I work for the CTA Entertainment Department,” the wiry old man announced on a northbound Brown line train. “They pay me $500 a day to entertain you, the customer.” With a flourish he produced a small shelf of black felt, upon which rested three yellow soda bottle caps and a pea-sized, red ball. He went on to explain in lyrical form (they are paying him $500 a day, mind you), how in his youth his pal Jughead would take all his bread by always knowing the location of the ball that was red. So he practiced every day and eventually won his money back. Now he’s giving us the chance to win. Lucky us!

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a bit gullible. But no one could fall for this swindle, right? Let’s start with the obvious. There is no CTA Entertainment Department. Furthermore, these shell games are always a scam. The operator uses sleight of hand to manipulate the location of the ball, so it will never be under the cap you think. What about that guy who just won 20 bucks? He’s in on it. The three others that lost over $150 between Sedgewick and Southport… they’re not. Sheesh.

If you see a shell game on the el, please do your best to ignore it and notify CTA personnel after exiting the train. While the action may liven up your commute, gambling on the CTA is illegal for a reason. When people are cheated out of large sums of money in a short amount of time, they tend to get pretty angry. Best not to have a bunch of angry people in a crowded, enclosed space.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find some black felt. $150 in 20 minutes is nothing to sneeze at!

Evidence suggests that the Northside team has been purchased by the recently formed ChicagCo Foundation LLC. A visit to the foundation’s website reveals that the company is a partnership between influential Chicagoans, formed with the specific intent of owning the Cubs franchise. The site’s tagline reads, “Different backgrounds? Perhaps. One love? Absolutely. ChicagCo Cubs ’09.” Among the notable ChicagCo members are:

– Stan Mikita, retired Chicago Blackhawk

– Rick Bayless, celebrity chef

– Louis Farrakhan, Nation of Islam leader

– Pete Wentz, Fallout Boy frontman

– Gary Becker, Nobel Prize-winning economist

– Bonnie Hunt, film and television actress

– D’ Lo Brown, professional wrestler

– Claude Boris Castille, historical reenactor

The evidence fueling the rumors is a photograph of the Wrigley Field marquee, taken by a Japanese tourist in early November. The photo has surfaced on a number of Cubs fansites around the web, leading to rampant speculation.

When reached for comment, the Cubs front office vehemently denied the allegation, blaming the confusion on a “simple typographical error.”

“OK, I think I’ve got this,” I reassure myself. Two beers, two hot dogs, one soda, one bottled water, an order of nachos and a burger. The cups of beer and soda are loaded into one of those pop-up cardboard trays, with the dogs crammed in there as well. The bottle of water is tucked securely under my left arm. As for the nachos and the burger, I’m hoping to snag those with a spare finger or two after picking up the tray. Here goes nothing.

Oh dear. As I lift up the tray, the flimsy cardboard buckles under the uneven weight of the beverages. I adjust, momentarily stabilizing the load, and decide this is my chance to reach for the nachos and the burger. Pinching the lip of the plastic nacho plate, I realize that, like the tray, the plate can’t handle its business either. At this point I am one strike away from dumping 48oz of liquid, meat, tortilla chips and magma cheese all over the counter. I set everything back down. I need help.

I catch the gaze of the guy behind the counter, and I immediately recognize that this is no average concessions worker. His sizable girth, dust-broom mustache and almost comical accent indicate that this man has achieved-yes-Bill Swerski’s Superfan status. As he glares at me, I can see the disdain in his food-loving eyes. But it’s disdain lightly salted with sympathy. This is the man that can save me.

“Any advice?” I stammer.

“First thing, go over der and grab yer condiments,” he coaches. Right… how would I get the condiments after I picked up all that stuff? As I hustle to the condiment stand, I’m now sure that I’m dealing with the Mike Ditka of ballpark concessions. He continues, all in one breath, “Now put yer nachos in da tray. Lay down yer bottle a water in da tray next ta yer nachos. Stack yer burger on da nachos and put da hot dogs in der, too.”

“Now, can ya hold t’ree cups?” he asks, as if a wrong answer would get me cut from Team Manhood.

“Yes sir.”

“Good. Put yer cups in da shape of a triangle. Take yer tray a food an’ put it on top a da cups. Now pick up yer cups… and yer good ta go.” With the slight nod of his large, round head I am dismissed. Tragedy averted and a beer run saved.

Only in Chicago-where encased pork links are deified-will you find this level of food handling expertise. And if you can break a few of her broad-shouldered tackles, you’ll be rewarded with a city full of friendly, no-nonsense folks ready to help. Thank you, concessions guy. You truly are Chicago.

Q: Do I risk getting a ticket if I drive my pickup truck on Lake Shore Drive?

A:

Most Chicago residents have heard the anecdotal horror stories of the friend-of-a-friend who got a $#00 traffic ticket for driving his pickup on Lake Shore. But that can’t be true, right? Pickup trucks are no larger or heavier than their legal SUV counterparts. And even with fuel prices climbing, many still use a pickup as their daily driver. This all seems a little nonsensical. So what’s the real story? Chiblogo investigates.

“It shall be unlawful to operate any vehicle upon any boulevard (a) when such vehicle is used for carrying freight or other goods and merchandise for commercial purposes, (b) when such vehicle is designed primarily for carrying freight or other goods and merchandise, and (c) when such vehicle is used for carrying freight or other goods and merchandise on the outside of the vehicle….”

So no pickup trucks allowed on boulevards, as pickups are clearly designed for carrying freight, goods and merchandise. But is Lake Shore Drive considered a “boulevard”?

Well, it is called Lake Shore Drive, not Lake Shore Boulevard… but perhaps that argument is a little shaky. Thankfully, the Municipal Code specifically lists Chicago’s Primary Boulevards in section 17-17-02124. Lake Shore Drive does not appear on that list.

So assuming Lake Shore Drive is not considered a boulevard, your pickup truck looks to be in good shape. Perhaps, however, there is another ordinance that applies.

In fact, the very next section of the Municipal Code, 9-72-030 (b), states:

“Whenever official signs are erected prohibiting the use of any street or part of a street by trucks or other commercial vehicles or imposing weight and size limitations upon such vehicles using the street, no person shall drive a truck or other commercial vehicle in violation of any such signs….”

Semantically speaking, the use of the word “other” implies that the truck must be considered a commercial vehicle if this prohibition is to apply. Otherwise, it would simply read, “truck or commercial vehicle.” The question then becomes: Is your pickup truck considered a commercial vehicle?

Back to the Illinois Vehicle Code (625 ILCS 5/1‑111.8 ) (from Ch. 95 1/2, par. 1‑114), which defines “commercial vehicle” as, “Any vehicle operated for the transportation of persons or property in the furtherance of any commercial or industrial enterprise….” So by definition, your average, commuter pickup truck is not considered a commercial vehicle.

Therefore, it appears that the person who drives his pickup for personal use has the legal right to operate on Lake Shore Drive.

But more importantly, will you get a ticket? Ummm, that’s another story.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed herein are solely the views of the author, and are not intended as legal advice or counsel.

What’s that, White Sox fan? No bad seats on the South Side, you say? Try telling that to the sucker who paid $47 for this gem (yes, me).

While it is official Box Office policy to inform fans that they are purchasing limited view seats, apparently the world is not a perfect place. Be sure check the official U.S. Cellular Field seating chart to distance yourself from those damn, dirty foul poles.