Spoof news stories from Wednesday 12 May 2010

French footballing legend and current UEFA chief Michel Platini has decided to shave off his invisible moustache after it began stinking of shit at the Europa League final in Hamburg.
Platini seemed to be sneering at the Fulham players when he pre...

LONDON - The Bloomin' British Babes Calendar Company which is based in Bristol has just reported that its 2010 Girls Aloud Nude Calendar has just surpassed sales of the previous number one calendar which was Cheryl Cole's 2010 nude calendar named Che...

LITTLE ROCK - The Lieutenant governor of Arkansas, Clyde "Bubbaface" Gritflicker, who is in charge of The Arkansas Department of Marriage and Tourism, stated that he has come up with a brand new idea to generate interest in the little anvil-looking s...

Befuddled by real problems requiring leadership and real answers, the US Congress put off facing tough choices once again, and has devoted it's time to working on a "Potty Parity" bill to bring Women's Rest Rooms up to Men's Standards!
The pressin...

How many of us were observant enough to C Nick Legg's star rising?
Keen observers would C that Nick Legg joined the Tories at uni even though he can't remember doing that.
Moving forward a few years did Charles Kennedy MP and former Leader of...

As reporters gathered in the East Room today, they were startled that a full jazz band was seated at the front of the room complete with instruments and at the ready.
When the two leaders of their countries stepped out of the curtains the band st...

In a series of tapes being released by an Australian tabloid it shows that Michael Jackson was deeply under the influence of prescription drugs.
The recordings show the star longing for a comeback and wanting the press to leave him alone about hi...

A massive Black Hole (the size of Whitney Houston's nostrels) has been flung out of a distant galaxy by it's mother Black Hole (the size of Whitney Houston's pussy after Bobby Brown left it).
Observed by the US Chandra space observatory the massiv...

iLonely - For women. A nighttime application that simulates a man snoring through the night. iVagina for men sold separately.
iMencia - Steals other applications and takes them as its own. Also known as the iSuck.
iPhone phone app - This ingenious program actually allows you to press a certain 10 digits that will then allow you to speak to another human being anywhere in the world!
iPho...

AUSTIN, TX -- Texas Governor Rick Perry, is expected to sign the bill voted on by the legislature to outsource border security when it reaches his desk this week. In the first of its kind in the nation, the controversial bill is expected to be a doub...

A Washington insider broke the news this morning that Obama Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan, and Homeland Security Czar, Janet Napolitano, use the same barber to style their hair. In connection with this, the Wall Street Journal denied that its pi...

Skippy Goes To The Zoo
Introduction: Skippy the dog liked his new master. He liked sleeping on the warm floor of the laundry room in an old laundry basket, curled up in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles blanket. He also enjoyed his dog biscuits and the occasional belly rubs from his owners.
Skippy, however, was not really a dog!
Even though he was picked up from the pound, even though h...

Skippy Meets A Friend
Introduction: Skippy the dog liked his new master. He liked sleeping on the warm floor of the laundry room in an old laundry basket, curled up in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles blanket. He also enjoyed his dog biscuits and the occasional belly rubs from his owners.
Skippy, however, was not really a dog!
Even though he was picked up from the pound, even though he...

Many people may be confused about the British Government. Here we provide a cut out and keep guide to the new cabinet.
Prime Minister: Lord Snooty. Old Etonian, Bullingdon Club, champagne swilling Dave the Rave. Likes beating servants and toasting crumpets on teenage boys.
Deputy Prime Minister: Nick Fagg. Promises to do whatever Lord Snooty says in return for a chance to pretend to be the P...

The United States of America has been given the green light to be the eighteenth nation to join the Euro. As soon as Estonia has surrendered its sovereignty and become a toady to European capital, it will be the turn of the USA.
President Obama ha...

Paul Scholes has turned down Fabio Capello's offer to return to international football and play, once again, for England. Scholes retired from international football in 2004 with 66 caps
After throwing a tantrum, Fabio calmed down and put on his t...

In an effort to show how green they can be, Vanson has introduced a new wireless battery re-charger that runs on batteries rather than through a wired connection.
"It's all about saving the environment," said Vanson spokesman Timothy Childress. "F...

SAN ANTONIO - Eva Longoria-Parker was watching her husband San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker playing their elimination game against the Phoenix Suns when she was asked about her next movie project.
The petite star of Desperate Housewives, was dr...

After 25 years on the newsstands, SPIN Magazine has folded due to its overwhelming awesomeness in all things cool.
Since its inception in 1985, SPIN Magazine was immediately recognized for its overt coolness by covering unknown artists at the tim...

The Baltimore Ravens lost a detrimental game Sunday against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the loss was primarily due to mental errors and costly 4th quarter penalties. It went without saying that head coach John Harbaugh's promise to take the team out...

Members of the Food and Drug Administration, along with members of the scientific community, have concluded that the main ingredient in Ramen Noodles is not to be found anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
"Not only is it not anywhere o...

Middle Englanders everywhere were falling to their knees giving thanks this morning as they awoke to find David Cameron firmly ensconced in the hallowed halls of Downing Street.
For, as we can exclusively reveal - The coming to power of the Conser...

ICELAND- The members of the Center for Reasonable and Appreciated Politics traveled to Iceland last week to protest the active volcano which began erupting on April 15.
"Of all the weeks for Earth to pull this shit," said Steven Hills, president o...

In an effort to capitalize on the economic downturn, Greyhound Lines Incorporated has revamped its efforts to reach more customers. Included in the plans are cheaper ticket prices, new streamlined buses, as well as a new destination: Funkytown, U.S.A...

The pharmaceutical giant, Merck & Co., has just released a fun new shape of Vicodin in the form of your favorite "Flintstones" characters.
"It's an exciting day," said Merck spokesman, Jonathan Sanders, "We are the second largest pharmaceutica...

For the 4th time since the compact disc's inception into mainstream culture, the entire Beatles catalogue has been re-mastered; this time into a sleeker black box.
"Finally," said Herb Thurman, a 56 year old Beatles fan, "Finally, the corporate dr...

Brittany Murphy has faded back into pop culture by fatally overdosing on prescription pneumonia.
The 32 year old bubbly actress, brought to fame by appearing in such films as The Prophecy II and an episode of Blossom, collapsed in the shower of h...

New York, NY - NBC executives made an honest move yesterday by naming their Sunday night primetime show "Celebrity Apprentice," to simply "Celebrity" Apprentice.
"We can't lie to the public anymore," said NBC executive John Starling about the show...

Philadelphia, PA - Mayor Michael Nutter has accomplished something other Philadelphia Mayors have been unable to do for fifteen years: acquire the biggest Crack Star from Los Angeles and bring him over to stumble the streets of Philadelphia.
"I've...

Nick Clegg and his Lib Dems have opened the gateway for his arch rival to be announced as Britain's No. 1 wanker with Nick himself being selected as the second biggest wanker.
Wanking is a fond hobby of politicians, they often wank themselves, the...

New British Prime Minister David Cameron has today delivered his first speech as the nation's leader, and has announced his intention to ban any further broadcasts of the BBC1 show EastEnders.
Cameron told a massed media gathering outside number 1...

Much excitement today at the Dungeons Of London horror/wax museum as Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty, and 'not sure exactly what it is I do for a living, but Saint Bob's me dad' star Peaches Geldof unveiled waxwork likenesses of themselves this mo...

High drama was taking place in Toronto earlier, when a Susan Boyle fanatic was spotted at the top of the CN Tower threatening to jump. Sporting a red scarf, and oddly no pants, the Canadian fanatic was shouting "Susan doesn't love me anymore! I have...

David 'Dave' Cameron has announced that Nick Clegg is going to fag for him at 10 Downing Street. Prime Minister Cameron is looking forward to having Clegg warm his crumpets over the fire.
Cameron, an Old Etonian and a member of the legendary Bulli...

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND - Immortalized in lyrics and verse, the "White Cliffs of Dover" are an icon of English patriotism and nostalgia - a familiar landmark for returning travelers akin to the Statue of Liberty for Americans.
That is why there is cons...

The late 'King of Pop' Michael Jackson was reportedly paranoid that should David Cameron ever be elected Prime Minister, he would be railroaded into becoming Minister of Defence by a coalition government.
So states a tape recording made public thi...

In return for all the United States has done for their country over the years, especially after the recent earthquake, Haiti has given secret American armed forces there the right to raise a huge zombie army in case we suffer another attack like that...

Tripoli - (Deja-Vu): "There's something a bit Nigel Farage about me," Abdelbasset Ali Al Megrahi said today as he emerged from the wreckage of the Afriqiyah Airways Airbus 330 that crashed enroute to London from Johannesburg.
The 69 year-old convi...

Former children's TV presenter Johnny Ball has admitted being "so high" when he presented BBC1's Think Again that he "could hardly talk".
Speaking on a special documentary, 'A Load of Balls' the star said "Sometimes I was just so high. The adrenal...

JERUSALEM - The appearance of a grey whale off the coast of Israel has stunned scientists, in what was thought to be the first time the giant mammal has been seen outside the Pacific in several hundred years.
The whale, which was first sighted off...

A crowd of reporters were in Downing Street this morning after a microphone stand, left in the road last night by the Prime Minister and later reported stolen, was mysteriously returned by a plain-clothed policeman.
But reporters hoping to catch...

As BP continued its efforts to stem the flow of sea water into the Gulf of Oil at its Blackwater Horizon drilling site, the company announced Monday it will implement a plan in the next two weeks to permanently plug the deep water gusher.
This so...

The New British Prime Minister, David Cameron was sensationally left unprotected after the Special Escort Group visited "Rambo's Kebabs" on Bayliss Road in Waterloo for a celebratory snack having got rid of Gordon Brown & his annoying habit of tr...

Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) has confirmed reports that he has previously traveled with a female conservative Christian who happens to be a heterosexual. The news sent shock waves throughout the gay community when the Conservative Christian Monthly brok...

HOLLYWOOD - This weeks American Idol theme was 'songs from the movies.' And interestingly enough no one chose The Theme From Carrie; The Theme From The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly; or Watergate - The Theme From Frost/Nixon."
Lee DeWyze chose the s...

A slap from Mom might sound painful, but new research shows that just hearing her voice can initiate the same sorts of biochemical responses - even when Mommy Dearest is communicating by phone.
The human body produces the hormone cortisol as a re...

HOLLYWOOD - And then there were four. Dancing With The Stars host Tom Bergeron showed the fully full-figured Niecy Nash the exit.
At first Miss Nash, who unofficially tips the scales at 270, said that she was not leaving and that there was no moth...

"Big Oil Cover Up Bigger than Spill Itself," should have screamed the headlines in this morning's newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton's very real involvement i...

LONDON - After going through a rock, paper, scissors, ritual, David Cameron has emerged as the new leader of England and the new occupant of 10 Downing Street.
When the new prime minister was asked what some of his initial priorities will be he pa...

Satan has become the new Prime Minister of Heaven, after forming a coalition with Nick Clegg's Liberal Democrats. God has resigned as Prime Minister and an election for leader of the forces of good will follow in July.
Satan was delighted to becom...

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Melissa Etheridge emailed Chely Wright as soon as she heard the 'carpet munching' news and invited her to do a duet with her.
Chely replied that if by 'duet' she means a little bit of 'playpen pounding' she was sorry but she would...

Startling left-turn in this week's news from Downing Street: one of Hollywood's most glamourous stars, Cameron Diaz, is now the UK's new prime minister, following the resignation of Gordon Brown.
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg will be her deputy after...

HOLLYWOOD - The latest edition of Dancing With The Stars was quite a physical undertaking. There was melodramatic movement on a night that saw a lot of physical action such as Niecy "Jiggly Parts" Nash accidentally hitting both her ears with her tits...

CCN (Crazy Cal News)- Houston - BP CEO Tony Hayward, after passing the blame for the oil spill between its company, Halliburton, and Transocean, valiantly engineered plans to save the coast line of the United States.
After The Three Stooges of...

David Cameron this evening takes over from the Labour Government.
"I'm grateful for all the Labour Government has done over the last 13 years," he enthused. "I'm grateful for inheriting the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, grateful for the economic d...

"Boy am I ever glad to have that off my chest", stated Dolly Parton to reporters at a press conference this morning just outside of Nashville, Tennessee as she was among several country music stars that are planning to do a fund raising concert for t...