Glasgow Celtic, the Susan Boyle effect and the debacle at Parkhead

The truth about the debacle at Parkhead between Glasgow Rangers and Glasgow Celtic can be revealed.

Glasgow Celtic (not THE Celtics of Boston) players have taken to reading the Susan Boyle autobiography, "Who I was born to be", before each match. This helps inspire and motivate the team. Native English (or Scottish) speakers act, as translators, for their many foreign team mates. Coach, Neil Lennon, is comprehensible, with his deep Irish brogue, that no one understands. So he mimes the words.

The team strolls down the tunnel singing "The way we were" as they wind up the bluenose, scum, players, of Rangers FC, before taking the pitch.

As the match progressed, Steven Whittaker was given a yellow card. Cue the Celtic faithful, as they render the famous Susan Boyle highlight, "Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame" and spread their arms wide while forming two perfect "V signs" with their hands. This, of course, has the desired effect of enraging the Rangers players and fans. There follows huge cries of "fenian bastards."

Before long, Madjid Bougherra, gets himself booked. The Celtic fans do their "Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame" routine and some even raise their shoes in their hands at him. The ultimate insult to an Arab.

By now, Rangers have lost the place and Whittaker and Boughera get the Red card and Rangers are down to 9 men.

The Celtic fans are in Paradise at Parkhead. They are now serenading the Rangers fans, with, "no song unsung, no Buckfast wine untasted."

The end of the game is a debacle. Hadji Diouf gets the shoe treatment as he is sent off.

If only Neil Lennon had not asked Sally McCoist, "has life killed the dream, you dreamed?" we would not have witnessed the two coaches having a go at each other.

It's only a game, eh?

Not for these guys: it's life but not as we know it, Jim!

Susan Boyle is a fervent fan of Glasgow Celtic FC but would never be associated with the behaviour of imbeciles.

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