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"I was shocked to see such a huge python," orchard-keeper Ali Yusof told the New Straits Times in an article published beneath a picture of the captured snake, which was almost long enough to span the width of a tennis court and as thick as a tree trunk.Villagers did not harm the snake, which was tied to a tree then handed to wildlife officials, the paper said on Friday.

THE PENIS WANTS A RAISE

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1-------- I do physical labor.2.------- I work at great depths.3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.5.--------I work in a damp environment.6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.7.------- I work in high temperatures.

Reply: Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your Request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.9. You are unable to work double shifts.10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.11. And if that were not a all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

Five reasons not to be a penis

1. You're bald your whole life.2. You have a hole in your head.3 Your neighbors are nuts.4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and..5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

LOS ANGELES // For those who haven't yet, somehow, had their fill of Paris Hilton, there's a new Web site that has posted a seemingly endless offering of the celebutante's belongings. The Web site, ParisExposed.com, launched Tuesday. It boasts that ...

Paris told Australian’s Cosmopolitan magazine, “I don’t have sex unless I’m in a relationship. I’m old-fashioned when it comes to that. I really am! Yes, I’ve kissed a lot of guys. I like to kiss, but that’s it. I don’t go home with anyone. I sleep with my animals, like my baby monkey, Brigitte Bardot.”

On the June 29 broadcast of Fox News Radio's Brian & The Judge, co-host Brian Kilmeade, who also co-hosts Fox News' Fox & Friends, suggested that the U.S. government should "put up the Office of Censorship," in the wake of reports in The New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, and The Wall Street Journal detailing a Treasury Department program designed to monitor international financial transactions for terrorist activity. Similarly, during the June 29 edition of Fox & Friends, co-host E.D. Hill wondered if it would be appropriate for the U.S. government to create an "Office of Censorship."

On the January 9 edition of Fox News' Fox & Friends, co-host Brian Kilmeade stated that it was a "great tactic" for police to threaten to shoot a man who was driving a van holding 14 Guatemalan nationals. Kilmeade said, "To me, that works perfect," adding, "I wouldn't be surprised if they teach it in the academies."

Brian Kilmeade is on the right… What a fine soldier he would make, right? And with so much to fight for - three kids, a beautiful wife, a cushy job in the land of the free… well, you’d think he’d be all about defending what he believes in.

Or not.

Maybe he likes seeing his wife and kids every day. Maybe he wants to live to be old and see grandkids. In that case, it’s much better for other people to fight in the war he claims to believe is so necessary for America to remain the land of the free…

Obama only attended that Muslim school for two years, beginning when he was six years old. And he had no choice. But then he moved on to a Catholic school. And, not that it really matters to anyone but the bigots, but Obama is a practising Christian, not a Muslim. And yet somehow we can't be sure he doesn't side with the terrorists? We'll just have to "see about that," in the words of FOX anchor Brian Kilmeade?

This morning, Fox & Friends host Brian Kilmeade continued the attack, implying that Michael J. Fox may have been acting because he “looked great” on “Boston Legal” — the ABC show in which Fox guest-starred. “I mean,” Kilmeade added, “I know they cut it different and edit it different, but he looked fantastic.”

Thursday, January 25, 2007

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

Amitabh Revi: The ad that was placed in the papers by India's tourism ministry was obviously tongue-and-cheek. What made you want to come to India after all that controversy?

Goody: Why I want to come to India is because I had an invite from the Indian tourist board. But my main reason for applying for a visa to come to India is to request a meeting with the Indian government because I do realize that my actions and words have hurt and offended a lot of people.

And I'd like to say to the Indian people face to face and not hiding behind Shilpa Shetty because I am the one who caused these problems and the pain. So I'd like to approach them face-to-face and apologize for all the pain and hurt that I have caused them.

Amitabh Revi: Isn't it ironic that while you apologise for racism, Shilpa Shetty has herself said that there was no racism. She's gone back and she's still in the show.

Goody: Shilpa Shetty has said that I was not a racist and that I am not a bully. But you know I've made peace with Shilpa and we are fine, but I've hurt people who love and care for Shilpa and I feel upset and disgusted with the way I've conducted myself.

There's a breed of gadgets out there which are part technology, part window breaker. By day they help you pass the time, by night they become employed in weighing down your bag, breaking unsuspecting toes they fall on, and potentially opening up a previously unopened house... Here we count down the Top 5 hefty gadgets.

This is my roommate Mike. I think he writes non-fiction much better than I do and his life, at face value, is much funnier than my own. Those two things make for much better articles than my troubles with a crappy customer at my restaurant. The only problem is, he doesn’t get himself into enough trouble to write with the sort of regularity that I or his adoring fans clamor for. Read this column first and then try out his others. Oh yea…and comment the hell out of them.

On January 5th, I wrote a short blurb where I called the Venus Vibrance razor blade a stupid Christmas present. The entire thing was roughly a paragraph long and it was completely devoid of interesting commentary. Unless, of course, you think my thoughts on toiletries are particularly revolutionary or insightful. And if you do? Please kill yourself. We don't need you. But, my point is, not only was this paragraph about the Venus Vibrance Razor blade submitted to digg, but 13 of the stupidest people who ever walked the planet dugg it.

Truth is, your first impression of someone comes from hundreds of elements (skin, teeth, clothes, hair) that combine to create their overall appearance. So yes, in the first few minutes of meeting someone, you do judge a book by its cover, simply because that's all you know. That is unless they maybe save your life from behind by pulling you outta the street as a cab roars by. Then, they're the most beautiful person in the world, even if, when you turn around to shake their hand, one eye is drifting uptown whilst the other cloudy iris is lingering on the Wall Street skyline.

Sting operation nets smuggled uranium Two men were arrested in Istanbul while trying to sell uranium of Russian origin in a sting operation conducted by Turkish special police, Russian media reported Wednesday. The mens names and nationalities were not released by Turkish authorities, but they where taken into custody while trying to hock a glass tube containing 173 grams of uranium-235 and uranium-238 for a price tag of $7m to Turkish law enforcement agents posing as potential buyers. The detainees said they had smuggled the uranium from Russia, the mosnews.ru Web site reported Wednesday. Turkish authorities fear the substance was eventually headed for terrorist hands.

Georgian Sting Seizes Bomb Grade UraniumWASHINGTON - Republic of Georgia authorities, aided by the CIA, set up a sting operation last summer that led to the arrest of Russian man who tried to sell a small amount of nuclear-bomb grade uranium in a plastic bag in his jacket pocket, U.S. and Georgian officials said.

The operation, which neither government has publicized, represents one of the most serious cases of smuggling of nuclear material in recent years, according to analysts and officials.

The arrest underscored concerns about the possibility of terrorists acquiring nuclear bomb-making material on the black market, although there was no suggestion that this particular case was terrorist-related. "Given the serious consequences of the detonation of an improvised nuclear explosive device, even small numbers of incidents involving HEU (highly enriched uranium) or plutonium are of very high concern," said Melissa Fleming of the U.N.'s International Atomic Energy Agency.

Details of the investigation, which also involved the FBI and Energy Department, were provided to The Associated Press by U.S. officials and Georgian Interior Minister Vano Merabishvili.

A highly contagious form of stomach flu sickened hundreds of passengers during a worldwide voyage on the famed Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship in what health officials called an unusually large outbreak.The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported 276 passengers and 28 crew members had come down with norovirus by the time the ship docked Wednesday in San Francisco for a regularly scheduled stop, though only four passengers remained sick.

SAN FRANCISCO, Jan 24 (Reuters) - More than 300 passengers and crew aboard the Queen Elizabeth 2 were struck by a suspected stomach flu in recent days, U.S. health officials said on Wednesday after the world famous cruise ship docked in San Francisco.The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said it was notified by Cunard Line, owner of the Queen Elizabeth 2, on Jan. 11 that some passengers had fallen ill with symptoms associated with norovirus, a virus responsible for gastroenteritis marked by stomach cramps, nausea, vomiting and diarrhea that last two to three days.The number of sick passengers climbed to 276, from a total 1,652, and 28 of the ship's 1,002 crew also became ill, said Lisa Beaumier, public health analyst with the CDC

Arrests of 2 school officials stun S.C. town

WARE SHOALS, S.C. - Although the massive Riegel Textile Mill closed two decades ago, there's still the mill village feel in the community -- a close-knit town where everyone knows practically everyone.Folks took it hard when they learned the principal of the local high school was charged with hindering police who were investigating reports of a cheerleading coach giving alcohol to students."Everybody here has gone to Ware Shoals High School, and we're all proud of the school, naturally," David Higgins said Tuesday at Edna's County Kitchen. "It's a bad reflection on the school and on the town."

Principal Jane Blackwell, in her third year at the school, was arrested Monday, charged with obstruction of justice.Investigators say they think Blackwell, 59, knew cheerleading coach Jill Moore -- the daughter of a local pastor and school board member -- was giving alcohol to students but did not report it, said Mike Frederick, chief deputy of the Greenwood sheriff's office.

Cheerleading Coach Charged With Giving Students Beer

WARE SHOALS, SC -- An employee of Ware Shoals High School has been charged with Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor after police say she gave beer to cheerleaders.

Officers say 28-year-old Jill Moore works as a clerk in the Guidance Office, and she also serves as the Varsity Cheerleading Coach.An investigation began a week ago after a parent complained to police regarding Moore's activities with members of her cheerleading squad.

Only two Ware Shoals High School cheerleaders are “directly involved” in an alcohol-fueled sex scandal that has rocked this small town, local law enforcement said Wednesday.Chief Deputy Mike Frederick, of the Greenwood County Sheriff’s Office, told The Index-Journal that only two girls, then 16 years old, have been tied to allegations of receiving alcohol from the school’s former guidance clerk, Jill Moore, 28, and then participating in an “incredibly inappropriate situation” involving a sexual relationship Moore was having with a member of the National Guard.Moore was arrested last week by the Greenwood County Sheriff’s Office, and resigned from her post in the wake of the scandal.

Monday, January 22, 2007

SENATOR Hillary Rodham Clinton, in her first public appearance since joining the 2008 White House race, said today she wanted to become US president because she was "worried about the future of our country".The former first lady, appearing at a health clinic in Manhattan to promote expanded health insurance for children, faced a mob of journalists eager to quiz her on her historic campaign to become the first female US president. Senator Clinton, 59, announced her widely anticipated bid to seek the Democratic Party's presidential nomination yesterday with a statement on her website declaring: "I'm in. And I'm in to win." "I'm worried about the future of our country, and I want to help put it back on the right course so that we can work together to meet the challenges that confront us at home and abroad," she said. "I am best-positioned to be able to do that, and that's why I'm running."

Hillary: No intention to run in 2008

As her massive media book tour kicks off, Hillary Clinton is denying that she's looking to run for the White House five years from now.

"I have no intention of running for president," is how the New York Democrat responded to a question from Time magazine which asked, "Do you want to be president in 2008?" She answered similarly when asked about 2008 by Barbara Walters in an interview on ABC-TV. It's not known if the senator's outlook comes in reaction to a poll last week showing most New Yorkers don't want her to make a bid for the White House � ever. The survey by Marist College Institute for Public Opinion in Poughkeepsie, N.Y., found 58 percent of registered New York state voters opposing her presidential candidacy at anytime in the future. Nevertheless, Mrs. Clinton is going on the attack against President George W. Bush, telling Time his policies are "radical," and that he's trying to "dismantle the federal government."

On Monday, July 17, 2006, at Fox News headquarters in New York City, Rupert Murdoch hosted a fundraiser breakfast for Hillary Clinton. Then he rushed off to a fundraiser lunch for John McCain, and Hillary rushed off to announce her unqualified support for Israel's and Bush's war policies.Hillarupert Murdoclinton strikes some people as an unusual combination. I'm sure someone could create a funny cartoon out of that name and a merger of their two smirking masks. Murdoch's interest is in money, however, and not necessarily in an Oil Empire or a Second Coming – unless some really cool weapon or a blue dress is involved. He likes laws that allow monopolization of media outlets, and he likes high ratings. Hillary's husband gave us the Telecom Act that drove monopolization forward. And nothing would create better ratings for Fox than lots of Hillary hating and Hillary scandals with her as the Democratic nominee for president.

CANNES: With the falloff in CD sales persisting and even digital revenue growth now faltering in the face of rampant music sharing by consumers, the major record labels appear to be closer than ever to releasing music on the Internet with no copying restrictions.Executives of several technology companies meeting here at Midem, the annual global trade fair for the music industry, said this weekend that a move toward the sale of unrestricted digital files in the MP3 format from at least one of the four major record companies could come within months.Music executives, however, said Sunday that the idea was self-serving on the part of technology companies."Each of the majors is wrestling with the question of whether to go unrestricted," said John Kennedy, head of the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry. "I think this is an experimental year."Most independent record labels already sell tracks digitally compressed in MP3 format, which can be downloaded, e-mailed or copied to computers, cellphones, portable music players and compact discs without limit

An industry that hates its customers

Imagine an industry that was so hostile to its customers that it regularly sued them; that resisted all new technologies for distributing its products, even as their best customers were embracing them; and that lobbies in Washington to try to take away its customers' legal rights to use its products. Sounds insane, right? I agree; the industry in question is the recording industry, whose trade association seems intent on alienating every music purchases in the United States. The latest story: the RIAA is challenging the established legal right to "time-shift," to record programming off the air and listen to it later. In other words, what you do every time you use a DVR or VCR. Under attack right now are satellite radio company XM's combination receivers/MP3 players, which can record what XM is broadcasting so you can listen later.

Congress wants to DRM your podcast

Sen. Dianne Feinstein has re-introduced the PERFORM Act, a backdoor assault on your right to record off the radio. Satellite and digital radio stations as well as Internet webcasters would have to adopt digital rights management (DRM) restrictions or lose the statutory license for broadcasting music. Letters from constituents like you helped beat this dangerous proposal last year — take action now to block it again.This bill aims to hobble TiVo-like devices for satellite and digital radio. Such devices would be able to include “reasonable recording” features, but that excludes choosing and playing back selections based on song title, artist, or genre. Want to freely move recordings around your home network or copy them to the portable player of your choice? You’ll be out of luck if PERFORM passes.This bill would also mess with Internet radio. Today, Live365, Shoutcast, streaming radio stations included in iTunes, and myriad other smaller webcasters rely on MP3 streaming. PERFORM would in effect force them to use DRM-laden, proprietary formats, so you can say goodbye to software tools like Streamripper that let you record programming to listen to it later.Tell your representatives to reject this bill now.

MEXICO CITY - Mexico extradited drug kingpins Osiel Cardenas and Hector “El Guero” Palma along with several other major traffickers to the United States on Friday as part of a major crackdown against warring cartels.President Felipe Calderon took office in December and quickly sent troops and elite police units to tackle Mexico’s main drug cartels, in an attempt to halt a gruesome surge in violence that claimed more than 2,000 lives last year.A total of fifteen men arrived in the United States aboard flights from Mexico on Friday.

The illegal drug trade is a global black market consisting of production, distribution, packaging and sale of illegal psychoactive substances. The illegality of the black markets purveying the drug trade is relative to geographic location, and the producing countries of the drug markets (many South American, Far East, and Middle East countries) are not as inclined to have "zero-tolerance" policies, as the consuming countries of the drug trade (mostly United States and Europe) are. The economic reality of the massive profiteering inherent to the drug trade serve to extend its reach despite the best efforts of enforcement agencies worldwide. In the wake of the economic reality, the social consequences (crime, violence, imprisonment, social unrest) of the drug trade are undeniably problematic.