2012 Existential Anguish: Solved

Here I share about this photo that had no description or explanation when I first made it and uploaded it on December 22nd, 2011 – to me it just seemed like another ‘anguished representation’ of a general experience that I’ve had – and most certainly every human being has had – throughout my life, wherein this ‘existential anguish’ became something that I could not ‘pin point’ yet it was definitely Here as myself, not knowing why or what I could possibly be so ‘sad’ about. It wasn’t even sadness either, it wasn’t a depression either – This was ‘something else.’

When I was reading Sunette’s blog, and this specific quote it all just clicked and this image that I had surreptitiously posted on Facebook as a way to share how I would experience myself at times wherein it’s not a personal anguish, because there was nothing ‘going on’ within my personal life – but a general/ existential anguish which would come through most of the art I have created – always depicting suffering and humanity in some form of massive enslavement – and I had no understanding within myself on why I was drawing this, why I had such a constant drive to draw the same type of themes, while getting a constant experience of being dismal about reality.

So, now understanding reality and all the latest interviews and Sunette’s blogs have allowed me to understand everything that I ever sought to understand and there’s a phrase that I’ve been having on a constant basis while reading, hearing, understanding who I am here: all makes sense now, and it’s a great relief as much as it is a great duty to be informed and essentially, preparing myself because I’ve never been so sure about something in my life. I cannot even recognize who the hell I was in the past, feeling lost and so afraid of the world and people – and this is not a magic-wand type of realization: it’s taken time and I’m sure that as time progress we can only go asserting ourselves more and more within this process.

Why is it a ‘weight off’ of my back to understand this? Because I could experience this constant friction and conflict within myself without a reason. I always got to read/ hear people’s stories that made sense as to why they would be depressed, or sad and generally self-destructive in their lives due to their contexts, but I always had a ‘good life’ and I simply got to believe that I was being just an attention seeker and spoiled brat trying to be a drama queen. But no, it wasn’t that either… it was definitely something beyond even a point of self manipulation as I mostly would keep it to myself, and actually play the ‘forte’ one with/ toward people that were ‘truly depressed’ by their self-created circumstances – yes, everything we have ever experienced has been Self-Created.

So – to me this is understanding more of myself, what I was expressing, which made me ‘excited’ and still a little jump on my chest comes up when I bring ‘here’ that moment when reading Sunette’s blog The Forward March to HELL: DAY 28 and it all just suddenly clicked as I had have a general concern about not knowing ‘why I paint that’ – It’s one of the ‘lost pieces in the puzzle’ that I had sought in books, spirituality, philosophy, people, personal heroes and only now it is all coming together so that I can finally stop my personal mysteries and focus on that which is actually relevant, which doesn’t have anything to do with seeking some great truth behind art – I’m done with that, this is about Self-Realization – Self-Creation as a physical being that essentially can continue living here, breathing, walking all relationships back to Self wherein no more separation as relationships exist.

The truth is that when I go stopping all past definitions as ‘who I was,’ I in fact remain and more ‘human’ than ever as a living flesh that is no longer torturing itself with mindful gaps that would occupy my mind on a constant basis at times in my past.

I am the one that is able to now ensure that I stop all forms of EXPERIENCE toward the separation that I’ve ‘felt’ as myself, as this world and coming along with the usual dreary experience when seeing people not caring about each other, people striving to make a living, people living and begging for money on the streets, animals being hit by their owners, children being hit by their parents, people fighting and cursing at each other for no reason, people competing against each other and never even questioning WHY we can’t just Be Life.

So – the death and destruction now makes sense to me as I see that I’ve done this all to myself and it’s in my hands to now stop it, walk my process of writing on a daily basis, applying Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application, so that all that I go realizing as the separation that I’ve become can finally be brought back to self, wherein I take Self-Responsibility to ensure that Life is never again dissociated from who we really are as physical beings.

I invite everyone reading these words to check out the afore mentioned blog and all of our blogs that are being pressed on a daily basis as the commitment that we as Destonians have taken on as Our Lives.

As far as art-creation, I’ll continue making it but I now can stop actually experiencing that as an energetic possession that was driving me mad – and instead, walk the points of separation as myself, as my own words and still be able to depict it in a picture/ drawing/ painting as the result of realizing how blind we have become and propose the solution that can be walked by All in the name of Life in Equality.

The World is Not going to end – the only thing that will end is our human negligence and disregard for each other which most certainly needs to meet its end in each and every one of ourselves.

“Advantages of Blogging – it makes sure the disadvantages does not manifest as backchat/shame – but, seriously though – it’s cool seeing the days go as you walk – lol; and with continuing walking it’s like – man, I can’t turn back or stop now, because I know if I will, all that I have done this far will mean nothing, and will have to start again – so, you just keep on writin’/moving and becomes more natural each passing day” Sunette Spies

Self Forgiveness is the Key to STOP All our Existential Woes and actually Get back on Track to what must be done in order for us to finally be able to say: We are Here and we are ALIVE

Some other quotes I’ve taken from Sunette’s blogs that allowed me to understand more about myself:

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world.
View all posts by Marlen

2 responses to “2012 Existential Anguish: Solved”

Are you saying that at one point in your life you were consumed with this gloomy, ambiguous sense of imminent doom and that there was suddenly no point or purpose in life and suddenly nothing made sense anymore. But then over time and through help broke through this constant “why?” Stage and gloomy view on reality and negative view on reality? I’m myself going through a I suppose spontaneous bout of what I didn’t know was existential anxiety/Obsessive thoughts/ possibly depression. It’s very scary and terrifying feeling to feel as though everyone is just coming up with things to do and goals to chase with nothing to ulitlamtely get out of it but a death and uncertainty and scary one at
That of what comes after life. I was never like this even 2 weeks ago but all of the sudden for the past 3-4 days I’ve been in this inescapable fog that nothing matters and its paralyzed me and shaken me and I’m very scared on one day just ending my life though I have a strong will to live and don’t see that as a logical help. I just want this to pass and I want to feel how I felt about myself and everything around me before this episode. I’m just afraid what has happened is SO significant I will never be able to go back to that.

It is able to be walked through definitely through the process we have been walking at Desteni, so I suggest you visit the forum to see what I’m talking about: http://forum.desteni.org/ If anything, you can also add me on facebook, click on the xray pic on my blog and you’ll be taken there.