Victor Farinelli: Ink Master Review (Episode 11)

By Victor Farinelli It is getting down to the wire. Just a few more episodes to go until one of the contestants gets a $100,000 paycheck they have to pay taxes on and a feature in InkedMagazine. “Inked.” I hate that term. It is just as bad as “human canvases.” Hey man, I am going to go down to the tat shop and get inked! YOLO! Then, I am going to go watch The Hobbit! FRODO!

Anyway, this week’s trainwreck begins with Oliver tattooing someone. Come to find out, he is tattooing a mini Jägermeister logo. Well, we know where some of that $100,000 paycheck is coming from. We learn that the flash challenge is a test of precision in tattooing. The contestants had to reproduce the same tattoo that Oliver did… LOGO!

Steve won by doing his smaller than Mr. Peck’s. Sebastian decided to do his own take on the logo, and the judges didn’t like it. I think this put his undies in a wad for the rest of the episode.

During the human interest part of the show (in between challenges) Sebastian alluded to, since the girls were female tattooers, and they had only been tattooing for six years, they would definitely be eliminated. Let me drop some science on you Sebastian: there are women in the tattoo world who can tattoo rings around you – Virginia Elwood and Darcy Nutt just to name a couple off the top of my head. And as for years of tattooing, there is a guy name Ben Siebert that works at Great Wave in Austin who has been tattooing a fraction of the time you have, and he blows you away! You should be a lot better than you are, if you have been tattooing for 17 years. You have been pulling off tattoos here and there this season that a person can live with, without hacking their arm off, but you have also been scratching some shit up, too. I thought you were a pretty humble guy from what I got from the other episodes. Now, I have lost any respect I had for you after that asinine comment. Choad.

For the elimination challenge, the contestants had to do portraits. They brought in Bob Tyrrell, a master at portraits. Since Steve won the flash challenge, he got to pick the “human canvases” for him and the other contestants. Fucking human canvases. That is so goofy. It irritates the fuck out of me.

The top two this week were Steve and Sarah. Sarah doesn’t know when to shut up. Instead of graciously taking what the judges praise, she has to open her mouth and say some stupid shit that made her sound like a child… Well, actually I know numerous children that have more couth than her. Steve got a little flack from Oliver for how dark his portrait was, but for once I think I am going to side with Steve. I think over time it will lighten up and soften and look good. Sarah came out on top. One of the eyes on Sarah’s tattoo seemed a little funky to me, but I think the client will be happy with it.

Tattoo By Steve Tefft (left) Tattoo by Sarah Miller (right)

The bottom two were Sebastian and Jesse. Sebastian got a lot of shit from Nunez on this one, and there was a point where Nunez said, “You want to fight” because it looked like Sebastian was going to go off the handle. Hell, Sebastian’s tattoo looks like the dude has a fucking goiter! He may be a sailor, but the picture was not taken in the fucking 1700s. They knew about iodine deficiency, for Neptune’s sake! The nose looks like a crazy post-Thriller “I like to have children sleep in my bed” Michael Jackson nose. What? Too soon?

(Note to reader: Both the girls, who have been tattooing less time than he [Sebastian] has, did a better tattoo than he did this challenge. Take that, jackass.)

Tattoo by Tatu Baby (left) way better than Sebastian Murphy’s (right)

However, the worse tattoo of the week, by far, was Jesse’s. I have no words for it. He is just not a portrait artist. The hair and face are all kinds of fucked up. Now here is some shit for you. Sebastian and Jesse on the bottom. Jesse has won a few challenges and Sebastian has not won any. The judges have to decide on whether to boot the cat who has consistently tattooed better than the other dude, but clearly did the worst tattoo, and the dude that has done mediocre tattoos all season. In the end, they gave Jesse the ol’ New York Shuffle out the door. I thought Jesse was going to make it to the end. So much for coasting.

Tattoo by Jesse Smith

I am going to go out on a limb and predict that the winner is either going to be Steve or Tatu Baby. I think Sarah will get all mental and fuck something up tonight, or next week, and cause her to get the boot. Sebastian is definitely on his way out.