Fun: Linux, Unix, Windows, OS X and DOS airlines

What would be if below mentioned operating systems ran airlines? Different operating systems. Different styles. This humorous analogy, applying operating system philosophies as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated amusing story!

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on…

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

You turn up at the airport, which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly colored and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

OS X Air

You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says “Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture”, at which point a camera in the wall you didn’t notice before takes your picture. “Thank you, here is your ticket” You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself “wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing”

Windows Vista Airlines

You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are “sure” you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.

Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked “Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?” you instinctively say “Allow”.

After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn’t updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.

You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

46 Comments

Haha very good article. Made me laugh out loud, specially the part about WIndows NT blowing every plane in a 40-mile radius.

You should add some criticism for Linux, though. You could say that when you enter the airport, there's dozens of different brands of planes for you to chose, but you have no idea whatsoever what the advantages of each of them are. In the end, you end up going for Ubuntu747, because it has the most airplanes and everyone else is headed there.

Once in the airplane, you have 3 or 4 different kinds of seats, menues and bathrooms. Unsure of which to use, you end up laying across all four types of seats at the same time, you take turns to use every kind of bathroom and try every menu.

Linux air:You go into the airport containing hundreds of planes. You don't know which one, so you pick one at random. Many of the are Ubuntu or Suse and get you where you want to go safely and easily, but inexperienced users sometimes pick a submarine by mistake.

A mysterious airline. Not for use by the squeamish or faint of heart. It's use is only for the technically savviest of mad scientists and a all others are referred to DOS Air

DOS Air

You pay too much, are blindfolded and taught braille and given a braille instruction manual on how to construct your seat. You are the pilot have no fuel or even a fully functional plane but are waiting for clearance for takeoff.

Win3.x Air

You have successfully learned braille and constructed your seat. All controls are difficult to reach and sluggish. There are frequent clogs in the fuel lines and crashes are imminent.

OS/2 Air

A better built airline with free food and beverages. It boasts stable easy to reach controls and happy passengers. Unfortunately, while in beginning stages of taking on passengers it's factory suddenly bursts into flames and it's executives all pretend to be on vacation and never seem to notice the fire or passengers.

Win9x Air

After successfully building your seat while blindfolded, modifying controls so you can reach them, and unclogging your fuel lines, you now realize you are still using the original one cylinder engine you were using before. Take off is rough and landing is rougher. You're more concerned about crashing then reaching any potential destination.

Win Me Air. Now adapted with a new larger fuel tank and a millennium proof staff you're sure you'll have no more problems. Whats this?? An additional one cylinder engine has been added and the plane is twice as heavy as before? Controls have not been modified to handle the new modifications! The crew is staring endlessly out into a blue sky chanting something about a fatal error! Your flights come to frequent abrupt endings

Win Xp Air

Wow a beautiful new engine a new lager plane. Wait what do you mean the seats, crew, fuel, meals and snacks are all extra? You stop and realize they always have been extra you just failed to notice with all the other problems you have been having. Now and then the crew still chants about the fatal error as though they cant help themselves. Whats that? You have to prove you own the ticket even though you have a receipt. You might go to jail for flying your plane without a ticket? The new ticket will cost how much? But you already paid for and built the seat while blindfolded, learned braille, adapted your flying style, went hungry, crashed hundreds of times (when you could take off at all) bought new tickets and other fancier Airplanes?? Doesn't matter they say? Disgruntled you transfer to Linux Air

Linux Air

Historically speaking not the shiniest of airlines. built with the same mysterious design as Unix Air. There were at first problems with engine and plane construction and production was slow. Since it's inception it has grown and lots of subsidiaries have sprung up.

Slackware Aire 1x

The Do it yourself airlines. It comes with all the seats,food, drinks, snacks, you need to fly but you have to find them in the dark and figure out how to use them.

Mandrake Air

A fancy shiny airline with good stewards and stewardesses but it is a members only airline and while demo tickets are free full tickets are not and service is only for the deserving few.

Suse Air

A fun Airline Tickets are free and they will gladly fly you anywhere as long as your seat matches is compatible with all the other seats it likes to fly.

Ubuntu Air

The do it all Airline. Tickets are free, any seat will do. They furnish unlimited food drinks, snacks, and conversation. the flight crew is helpful and the Air Traffic Controllers are always looking for ways to make flights faster and more economical.

You already have a plane, it's speed, weight and size are all down to what you can afford and what you want.

You may have built it yourself if you like tinkering with the hardware. You are quite fond of it in a a way, and you need it for life / work.

But now you must decide who is going to fly it for you.... your plane may have come with a pilot, but now you need or want to change him. So you go to the airport to check out what's available.

Windows Vista Air

People tell you very good things about it, it looks slick, sexy and is marketed professionally. You are unaware that there even *is* an alternative, and the sales reps never mention one. You look at the price, and are unsure but the confusing bullshit technobabble of one of the sales reps convinces you. You buy it, but when you get back to your plane to install the pilot you find out that you are required to sign his contract with the blood of your fist born son. When it asks you if you are sure, you have second thoughts. Deciding to give it a try as you've spent your money and no refunds are available, you agree to the contract and let the pilot on board.

He immediately locks down all areas of your plane, and pretends not to notice the luggage container on one side of the plane who's free space does not conform with Microsoft's standard NTFS luggage system.

You are taken aback and annoyed at the same time. You make the effort to work with what you have, and try it out. Unfortunately when you are deciding where to go, you notice that the plane's range and speed are mysteriously and severely reduced and you would not make it to the next airport without crash landing, despite what your pilot tells you.

After getting nowhere, Microsoft contacts you to tell you that it's released a new Pilot, but you have to pay for him again, effectively making your original investment worthless and a waste of time and money that could have been avoided by waiting for the newer pilot to come out.

You look out the window and see a very fast looking plane taking off without any problems, and not spontaneously combusting. You get on your barely functioning radio and ask the pilot who he is. He replies "Linux".

Deciding you've had enough, you quietly tear up the contract and unplug the pilot's headset. He tried to ask you if you are sure but you ignore him and kick him out the door, although it's hard to do. The pilot finally leaves, screaming FUD at the top of his voice about how you will never be able to fly again.

Ubuntu Air

You walk back into the airport tired and frustrated and out of pocket, but at least with an idea about what to try next. You search high and low and ask around, and finally you find a small stall in a corner marked "Ubuntu".

You talk to the woman behind the counter who explains to you in a friendly way exactly what Linux is, and that Ubuntu is a popular and easy to use variant of it. Right now, you say, I want something that just works. The woman smiles and hands you a cd. You reach into your wallet but she says it's on her.

You walk back to your plane wondering what could be in store for it and you, when you are met by your new pilot. He is smartly dressed, respectful and doesn't speak to you unless you want to speak to him. He is waiting outside for you to ask him to fly your plane, and doesn't seem to mind if you don't want him to today.

You invite him in, and put your cd in the cockpit player.

Suddenly, you are airborne with everything working quickly, efficiently and as expected. Your pilot is competent and knows where to go.

You look around and realise that your seat isn't exactly how you'd like it, so you ask your pilot. He tells you who to speak to about it, and you post a message on the Ubuntu Forums. Very quickly there is a professional and friendly response, explaining that the button to adjust the seat is on the left side, not the right.

You realise that expecting everything to be in the same place as your old pilot put it is irrational and a bit silly. You have to make a few more small adjustments like this but you know that it's worth it.

When you get to your destination, and quicker than you expected, your pilot disembarks with you and thanks you for allowing him to pilot your plane. He waits outside until you invite him to fly again.

As you walk to the terminal, you pass other planes which have obviously barely ever left the ground, and smile to yourself as you think back on your experiences with Vista Air.

Mac OSX Airlines. You have gone bold, you've bought the most expensive ticket on the market. A the airport you see the most beautiful plane on the planet. Inside you are stunned by all the well designed details. The cockpit works like a charm. You know it will be the most comfortable flight you ever had. The plane even somehow knows how to avoid storms and turbulences. After a time you realize that there a some airports you can't land on.

Windows XP Airlines. You can't open the hangar doors even tho you informed the security manager that you are not a terrorist. After a wile you open the doors manually and fire the security. When the plane takes of you suddenly realize that you are the only normal passenger, the rest are terrorist. In panic you try to change the airlines but it is to late. Midair the bad guys detonate their bombs (with help of the pilot) They are very well informed so the plane crashes onto your home and kills all your family. Somehow you survive. You try to regain your normal life so you sign to Anonymous Windows Passengers. There are many peoples like you so you fill secure. One day you ask one of your fellow AWP what hi thinks about not flying Windows anymore. Hi thinks you have offended his beloved mother and kills you with a knife. Witch is not bad at all for you because the airlines just sued you for being a terrorist.

Ubuntu Airlines. In the after life you finally decide to try one of the free airlines. The stewardesses are of a very rare beauty and they are very nice for you. They provide every service for free but due to your latest experiences you don't know how to use them. You are so confused that you even think that the plane is flying some acrobatics. After a while as you adapt everything seems go back to normal. And you start to think that Ubuntu is one of the best airlines available.

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I'm working, but I had to give it a go. From my experience with the different airlines, here goes.

Dos Air: The terminal is quite spartan (like terminal 2 at Turku Airport), and the plane is small, with seating for only one passenger. You are asked nothing, you don't really need to check in, you just go to the plane and board it. Unfortunately, it only goes very short distances.

Win 95 air: In their time a revolutionary airline. Next to the Dos Air terminals, they built stunning halls which people eagerly filled, wanting to experience flight. The ticket salesmen and crew were quite friendly, though somewhat confused as to how to provide you with a ticket or where the planes are, really. There are one or two security guards patrolling the airport, and they can deal with the small numbers of crooks efficiently. The tickets themselves are pricey, but not very expensive. Upon boarding the plane, you noticed that the planes were quite overcrowded, and tended to explode in midair. No clariafication was given as to why.

Win 98 Air: Really a successor company to Win 95 Air, they managed to get the planes not to explode as often and many more security guards were hired, as there were now a lot more bad guys wandering the terminal area. Some of them managed to get on planes without tickets. The ticket prices themselves are higher, but not extreme.

Win XP Air: The terminals are exorbitantly large and modern. There are lots of signs, different corridors and rooms. The staff is limited, but also confused as to how to sell a ticket or where the toilets are. You've even noticed some ground crew running around screaming. There are loads of security everywhere chasing after both criminals and innocents, and there are loads of criminals around, so better watch your luggage. Ticket prices are appropriately high, so tickets are stolen quite often. You are checked by security a few times as you go. On the plane you realise that maybe about a quarter of the passengers had bought their tickets, and the rest just stole them. Takeoff is bumpy, and the planes reach their destination in about half of the cases.

Ubuntu Air: A smaller airline, but with equally stunning terminals like Win XP Air - just that these are obscured by their large buildings and hidden in the shadows. Staff is scarce, but knowledgeable and efficient. Tickets are free, as are drinks and meals, although to get anything you have to answer a lengthy questionnaire as to what kind of person you are, so the plane, seat and food is just right for you. Those few passengers that use this airline seem to know everything about it. Almost all kinds of luggage are accepted, but you do have to report them in the questionnaire. There are almost no signs giving you directions, but all facilities are easy to find. The plane itself looks modern, and after a few tries you manage to get the seat up. The plane starts smoothly, and, despite being a bit slow, gets you there almost all the time. Be careful though, in case you make one small mistake in the questionnaire you might not be able to use your handkerchief to wipe the window because they may prove incompatible.

Fedora Air: At the great and modern terminal there seems to be just as many staff as there are passengers, whereby the passengers are also seen sometimes standing behind counters and printing the free tickets for the others. There more signs than there are at Ubuntu Air, so it's easier to find the toilets and lounge. Tickets are also free, but the questionnaire is much more detailed and takes about half an hour to complete. You have to say what you'd like to do on the plane, and specify what luggage you have. You sometimes need to leave something behind, but it is replaced for free for another of the same of a different brand. The questionnaire is then checked and inspected, and if the staff (or other passengers acting as staff) deem your answers are all right, you may go to the plane, but at the same time you are promised that it will be exactly as you want. As you approach the plane you notice that it was exactly what you asked for. The adjustable seat fits snugly and has tons of knobs and dials. Takeoff is fast, the flight is efficient. The plane might sometimes lose power, but quickly starts up again in midair. The handkerchief problem leads to situations where you have to fold it just right in order to be able to wipe the window, in other cases it will not work.

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Artem is systems engineer for more than 7 years and holds broad experience in Linux, Unix, Cisco systems administration. Feel free to get in touch with Artem Nosulchik via Google Plus, Twitter or Facebook.

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My name is Artem Nosulchik, I'm part time blogger and full-time Linux sysadmin. In 2007 I started LinuxScrew to share my personal notes on anything related to Linux and Open Source on the whole and found this pretty interesting.