England's troubled tours

Our Test cricketers might have the collywobbles about going to India, but touring with England has never been a walk in the park.

Here is our list of low-points from the history of English cricket abroad . . .

1859: Rough seas and snow, Canada

The first-ever tour by an England XI went to Canada, of all places. After a tortuous voyage their ship ran into rough seas off Nova Scotia, and nearly sank. The mountainous waves could have dragged Test cricket into a watery grave before it had even started. Which given England's mostly sorry record in the intervening 142 years might have been a lucky escape. In the tour's only Test, in a snowy North American October, Fred Lillywhite's team beat a combined US/Canada team, despite playing in overcoats to combat the extreme cold.

1874: Drink-induced insanity, Australia

During another nightmare sea voyage, to Adelaide, Harold Jupp drank pints of brandy to quell his terror. He suffered fits brought on by alcohol poisoning, and raved in his bunk about men climbing on the ceiling. WG Grace's biographer, Simon Rae, said Jupp was tied up and removed to a padded cell by Aussie coppers when the boat reached port.

1874: Howling mobs, Australia

WG Grace upset an entire nation when he led England Down Under in 1873/74. More than once, Grace's tourists were run out of town by angry crowds in the wake of one controversy or another. Once, they were accused of throwing a match at the behest of bookmakers. The charge was almost certainly true. WG's parting shot as he left the country: "Australia is a fine country, but wants steeping for 24 hours in the sea to rid it of the human vermin crawling over it."

1925: Tropical disease, West Indies

The great Gloucestershire batsman, Wally Hammond, contracted a mystery ailment in the Caribbean which was never properly diagnosed. The best efforts of medical science tried and failed to find the cause for an illness that almost killed Hammond, and changed his personality forever. His biographer, David Foot, suggests the middle-order maestro might have picked up something nasty from one of the local lovelies. "The carnal trade was rife in bigger towns," said Foot. "It was brazen and cheap." The only known cure for such afflictions then was a shot of mercury or arsenic, treatments that often left sufferers mentally unbalanced.

1937: Cricket with the enemy, Germany

A semi-official MCC party toured Germany with World War on the horizon. Matches were played against a backdrop of rampant militarism. One of the tourists said: "Wherever we played we could hear machine-guns firing and we witnessed a torchlight procession down Unter den Linden (in Berlin) which was both alarming and eerie." Note to Nasser Hussain: in one match the captain of a German club side strode over to a young lad who had dropped a catch and knocked him out with a single punch to the jaw.

1968: Yacht horror, West Indies

Middlesex off-spinner and former Watford utility man Fred Titmus was larking around on a yacht during a rest day when he fell overboard. He got trapped under the keel, and four of his toes were sheared off in the accident. He recovered to tour Australia a few years later, but a promising tap-dancing career was abruptly terminated.

1969: War, Pakistan

Pakistan was on the brink of war with India, as usual, over disputed territory. England pitched up at the National Stadium, Karachi, to play a Test match. Thousands of Pakistanis pitched up to play merry hell with the local cops. Poor old Alan Knott, who hadn't yet scored a Test ton, was on 96 not out when political fervour swept over onto the playing area, and the players fled for their lives. Moments later, England ran from their changing rooms after the local constabulary filled it full of teargas. Match abandoned.

1971: Fools on The Hill, Australia

Sussex quick bowler John Snow made the mistake of upsetting The Hill, the section of the SCG populated by the dregs of the city's cricket-watching populace. He began by felling Aussie spinner Terry Jenner with a vicious bouncer. When he reached his fielding position at long leg, Snow came under attack from a barrage of bottles, cans and half-eaten meat pies. He took up a position 30 yards inside the boundary, but an Aussie voice boomed out, "Eh Snow, you Pommie poofter. Come 'ere and sign my kid's autograph book." When Snow declined, the barrage recommenced. England captain Ray Illingworth took his team off the field until The Hill, a bunch of desperadoes, had run out of ammunition. England came back and won the Test and the Ashes.

1985/88: Speed battery, West Indies

Whatever theoretical dangers England might face in India, they don't compare with the very real threat which was posed by the most fearsome fast-bowling attack in history, playing on their own pitches, on the back of a 5-0 whitewash in England. West Indies' nasty quintet of quicks was made up of Messrs Patterson, Holding, Garner, Marshall and Walsh. The scoreline, 5-0 to the West Indies again, flattered England.

Any time: Bored to death, New Zealand,

Going to India, even with the outside chance of bumping into an Islamic fundamentalist headcase, has got to be an improvement on New Zealand, any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Especially as you can't get a drink in New Zealand on a Sunday.