Welcome to Barely Legal: The Blog; This blog is run by two recent law school grads, Russ and Mike. Back when we were still law students, this was the most popular law student run blog in the world. Now, who knows what we are or what this blog is. Nevertheless, everything on this blog is uncontroverted fact, and should be interpreted as such.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

It shouldn't be a surprise that the guys who categorized law students as the canary, the philosopher, the federline, etc, also love a show where the characters classify everyone, the closetalker, the soup nazi, the virgin, etc.

Seinfeld is great exploration and analysis of subtle issues that we deal with in everyday life, like who paid for the big salad. You'd think this is how the law would work. But, sadly the law is as humorless as the time Jerry stopped being funny for an episode so George's date would think he was the funny one.

To prove that the law is inherently humorless, I detailed below what would happen if the Seinfeld Foursome: Jerry, George, Kramer, and Elaine, had a fifth friend who was a lawyer.

Jerry: I'm the master of my domain! You owe me $100 dollars.

Lawyer Friend: Jerry, an oral contract based entirely on euphemisms wouldn't stand up in court. I'm not paying.

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Elaine: She couldn't spare a square!

Lawyer Friend: It was public property! But that opens up a lot of 'the tragedy of the commons' issues.

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Jerry: I dropped a junior mint in the man during open heart surgery.

George: Then I bought up all his paintings, hoping he'd die so I'd make a fortune.

Lawyer Friend: A junior mint? That's malum in se. George's profiteering is likely to be used in the remedial analysis as an unjust enrichment.

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Elaine: I know how I'll find out how they're real. I'll look at her topless in the sauna.

Lawyer Friend: If you'd like I could serve her with an interrogatory regarding both their realness and spectacularity.

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Jerry and George: We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Lawyer Friend: Don't worry guys, since Lawrence v. Texas, you two can do whatever you want with impunity.

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Jerry: I have an overdue library fine from when I lent George a book in high school but our Gym coach stole it when George got him fired and now the Gym coach is a bum who keeps the book in his shopping cart. It's amazing how that all tied together!

Monday, February 27, 2006

I was at the grocery store yesterday and I was looking at some cute girl. Then I noticed she had on a "Pom Squad" shirt. She was obviously in high school. It's funny how I can go from intrigued to creeped out at myself upon realizing that one little fact. That reminded me of a conversation Mike and I had the summer before our first year of law school.

Russ: Would you ever date a girl who was still in high school or would that be too creepy?

Mike: I, actually, would be willing to date a senior in high school if her hotness outweighed my implied creepiness in doing so.

Russ: That's a good balancing test, I suppose. But what if she wanted to take you to prom or something?

Mike: She would have to be so hot that people would expect her to show up to prom with some older guy. You know the type.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Reading for Worker's Compensation is slightly more interesting than the usual law school reading. All the cases read like a Three Stooges Short. For example:

"There duties include delivering boxes. Each box was secured by elastic bands (also described as "rubber bands"). Each rubber band was approximately twelve inches long by three-eigths inch wide."

Uh oh. I can see where this is going.

"Testimony before the administrative law judge establishes that the rubber bands were used by some of Bergin's employees for "rubber band fights".

Mike replied:

Maybe this will be the fact pattern for your test:

A was bending over to pick something up off of the ground, when a co-worker, B, walked by carrying a long wooden post on his shoulder. A third co-worker, C, called the name of B, causing B to turn around, just as A was standing up. The post on B's shoulder swung around and caught A in the back of the head. B, realizing the commotion, swung back around to see what happened and stuck C in the same manner.

After a brief moment of pain, A became angry and confronted B. Unhappy with his aplology, A used a handsaw on B's head, causing a sawing sound but no blood. C then came to, and asked what the big idea was, prompting A to poke C in the eyes. Once B and C's pain subsided, A instructed the two of them to get back to work, and as an extra motivating tool, grabbed B and C by the head and knocked them together, making, as witnesses decribed "a coconut sound."

B went to start laying some concrete, but each time he smoothed it out, a dog ran through it, leaving paw prints and reqiring B to resmoothe the concrete. After several attempts, B was seen to quickly run his hands over his face while talking in a falsetto.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Mike: Today I found out that The National Jurist put my post about paper passing is the latest issue.

Russ: They did? Did they at least attribute you?

Mike: Apparently, so no big deal.

Russ: Yeah, but still, don't they know it's copyrighted?

Mike: I would hope so, since it's a magazine called National Jurist. If the staff of any magazine would understand copyright laws, I'd think it would be one with the word "jurist" in the title.

Russ: Maybe they are avid readers of the blog and know you aren't taking the bar. They probably sat around discussing whether or not to use it, and finally said "What is he going to do, sue us?" Or maybe they figured that they have a nation of of jurists at their disposal, so they can just take what they want.

Mike: Maybe so. But I don't really mind, they attributed me and gave us a link, so it all works out I guess. If they do it again, maybe they should change the title to "National Plagiarist."

The reality is that there would be no more miserable place to work than at a New York City night court. It would be a stream of arraignments, each defendant more anonymous than the last. The only comfort you could take as a prosecutor would be lording your $35,000 salary over the public defender's $32,000

Just last week I represented a clinic client in court. I had a flimsy grasp on the legal issues and was really dreading doing any arguing. Lucky for me, opposing counsel did not show up. My client beamed because a continuation meant more time before his foreclosure. The judge asked me if I knew where opposing counsel was and I scowled in disgust. Although I am not a great orator or a great legal mind I had one ace up my sleeve: punctual attendance.

"Can we continue this cause of action to a week from now?," asked the judge.

Still bristling on the outside and rejoicing on the inside, I replied, "Your honor, considering their inability to make it here today we should give opposing counsel ample time to get themselves organized. A month perhaps?"

The judge agreed, and thanks to my mere ability to be available my client had a place to live for another month.

In this rare moment of law school joy my thoughts naturally returned to that legal utopia, Night Court. I recalled when Judge Harry Stone explaining how he was selected to be a judge due to his mere ability to be available, "Well, they started at the bottom of a very long list and began calling candidates one at a time. It was Sunday so everyone was out. I was basically picked because I was home."

I thought to myself for a moment, "Hey. I'm pretty good at being available. Maybe even I could be a judge one day."

Maybe the old Woody Allen quote was right and 90% of success is just showing up. Either way, I'll be there on time to find out.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I am surprised that I haven’t touched on this before, since it is probably my #1 law school pet peeve, but do you know what really irritates me? Professors who don’t hand out a syllabus.

Dear Law Professors of America,

Let’s put this out on the table right now: Law professor is about the easiest job a JD can get. You teach two or three classes per semester, you write a paper every few years, and you hold office hours twice a week. That’s it. There is no dress code, so if you want to wear cowboy boots, a flannel shirt, or a $2,000 suit, you can get away with it. You get your summers off, unless you feel like teaching a laid back summer class with six apathetic students. You get paid pretty well, especially considering the “rigors” of the job, and once you get tenured, you are set with a cushy job for as long as you want it. Is it too much to ask that you make a word document containing the reading assignments for the semester, your office number and hours you are available, and your email address, and then hand a copy of the word document out to each of your students?

It can’t be that hard. You just sit down with a copy of the academic calendar and the class text book, and devise a list of the reading assignments. Then, make an approximation of when each assignment will be covered, and put that next to the corresponding date of the class meeting. It’s just that easy. And if you have taught the class before, then you know what you want to cover, so making the list of assignments is even easier.

Does that sound too tough? Do you like to go off on tangents or engage the gunners in long discussions that tend to throw the timeline off? Well here’s an idea: Instead of putting each assignment next to a corresponding date, number each assignment. This way, if you get off track, you can just say “We won’t get to assignment number 12 next, so no new reading,” or “For next class, move on to the next assignment.” Doesn’t that sound nice? And it reflects much better on you if you give us a syllabus, instead of taking three minutes at the end of each class, furrowing your brow as you leaf through the book trying to decide what to cover for the next class.

Look, I am not asking for a detailed breakdown of the entire semester. I just want something in my hand, something that I can look at and see what we have covered, and what we will be covering, so when I go to cram before the exam, I know what exactly I should cram. If you expect us to hand in detailed, well-written answers, couldn’t you at least give us a detailed, well-written breakdown of where we can find the information to formulate those answers? I think we both know the answer to that.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

We get lots of people emailing us or IMing us wanting advice about blogging. We are by no means experts on this topic, but we have picked up some knowledge along the way, and we are happy to share it. So, if you are a blogger, or want to be a blogger, this is our advice. If not, you can keep reading if you want, I’m fine either way.

1) Know what kind of blog you want. There are three types of blogs: Those meant for personal entertainment, those meant for the entertainment of friends and family, and those meant for public consumption. Your blog should be whatever you want it to be. Since our blog is obviously the third type, this advice will mostly apply to blogs meant for public consumption.

2) What to write about. Anything on your mind, but if you want lots of people to read your blog, then you have to write stuff that is funny or interesting or insightful or entertaining. In other words, it has to have some appeal to readers. The corollary to that rule is that you aren’t going to please everyone, so don’t try. Inevitably some people won’t like what you have to say. Don’t worry about those people. Write what you want and you’ll find your audience.

3) How often to write. As often as you feel like writing, but if you want people to read your blog, you have to update with some regularity. As a general rule, Russ and I try to make at least four posts per week and more if possible, but that’s just us. On the flip side, don’t post anything because you feel like you have to post something. Our four-post-per-week rule came out of the fact that we usually have at least four post ideas per week. Don’t force posts just because you feel like you have to update.

4) Content. As I stated before, your blog can be anything you want it to be. That being said, you have to exercise some form of self-censorship, particularly if you have a blog meant for public consumption. In other words, don’t write anything that could come back to bite you in the ass. If you want to remain completely anonymous, don’t tell your friends about it. If you are completely out in the open, you have much less latitude in terms of what you can write. As is stands, Russ and I are quasi-anonymous. On our blog, we have been careful not to reveal where we go to school (thus there are no hidden clues out there), nor do we use the real names of anyone we write about (except our own). While the word is out at each of our schools, we still write under the same rules as before. In summary, before you post something, make sure it isn’t anything that will get you in trouble.

5) Getting Traffic. Obviously, if you are writing a blog that you want people (other than friends and family) to read, you need to find those readers. The best way to do this is by getting linked on other blogs. Always offer to exchange links, don’t just ask for a link (as we learned the hard way). But before you do this, build some content. Lots of times people think they have a great blog idea, make a half-dozen posts, and then kind of forget about it. Even if you think you have a public consumption blog, really, it’s a personal entertainment blog until you are able to post with some regularity over a period of a month or so. You’d be surprised at how many people think they have lots to write about but quickly run out. So before you start asking for links post some stuff for a while and get the hang of it.

So that’s my blogging advice in a nutshell. I don’t profess to know much about blogging, but we did something right along the way, since we started off by just posting the random stuff we emailed back and forth to stave off boredom. So for all those who asked or wanted to ask, that’s my two cents. If you have any other questions, you can always email us or IM me.

Friday, February 17, 2006

The gist of the story is that some lawyer offered a recent grad a job, which she accepted. She then had the gall to criticize and reject the job offer over E-Mail. They then had a rude exchange as to the appropriateness of her email.

She looks like a stereotypical law student, an ass who thinks the world owes her a favor. He looks like a kindly old counselor trying to guide a young lady through the formalities of the profession.

Here's what the email doesn't say: He posted this job opening on craigslist. It doesn't get much less formal then that. I wonder what his ad said.

While this exchange is real, it is as cliched as any Jay Leno lawyer joke and deserves about as much attention, particularly from law students who can see why this situation is atypical. Would you mail Polish jokes to the Polish consulate titled, "I thought you might enjoy this"?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The summer before my 1L year, I received a letter from my school requesting that I send in a digital picture of myself to be used on my school ID. The letter instructed that the picture be a tight headshot, passport-style photo. I put it off and put it off until the day it was due. That day was hot and humid, a typical August afternoon. I had been outside mowing my parent's lawn when I remembered I needed a picture. I splashed some cold water on my face, grabbed the digital camera, and had my mom take the picture. Predictably, the picture wasn't very good, since I wasn't smiling and my face was flushed from having been outside. But I didn't really care, since it was only going to by a 3/4 inch by 3/4 inch square on my student ID card. The picture was what they needed, and it was good enough, and besides, no one was really ever going to see it.

Or so I thought.

In yet another move that epitomizes my school's class and prestige, they decided that all of our student ID pictures would double as our pictures on the class composite. And they did this without alerting us of their plan. Luckily for me, most of the pictures are as bad as mine; unflattering headshots taken quickly when they realized there was a deadline. In an industryand profession dominated by prestige and image, every single graduate from my class will be remembered by future generations wearing a t-shirt, or if they decided to be more formal, a windbreaker.

I graduate in a few months, and soon after my school will start soliciting donations from me and my fellow graduates. I don't know what my classmates will do, but when they ask me, I am going to send them another picture of myself, holding up my middle finger.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

9:32 I wish I sat next to someone who would appreciate this. Walking in today, I saw a girl that looked just like Kimmy Gibbler from Full House. Is it just me, or is that really funny? If someone told her she looked like Kimmy Gibbler, would she be offended?

9:37 You know what I hate? When I have ESPN on in the background, and I happen to catch a college basketball score on the bottom line, and I’m like “Holy shit, Rutgers beat Villanova?!?!” and then I realize it’s a women’s score. Note to ESPN: Just because you bought the rights to women’s college basketball doesn’t mean anyone cares about it.

9:41 Why do we need Latin phrases in the law? Would it really be that hard to phase them out? Why can’t a private meeting with the judge be “in the chambers” instead of in camera?

9:45 I was watching the Olympics last night, and talking to my girlfriend. I said something about how all the male figure skaters are gay, and she disagreed. I challenged her to point out one who didn’t give off a huge gay vibe, and she couldn’t. Then the guy came out in a tight fitting matador suit, and I rested my case.

9:54 What is the point of dissenting opinions, seriously? They remind me of letters to the editor in a small town newspaper. No one cares about their opinion, but they are just so gosh darn mad they just have to tell someone, so they write it up, although no one will ever really read it.

10:02 Speaking of the Olympics, is there any talent needed to be a luger other than the ability to lay down, some balls, and ownership of a luge?

10:04 I just thought of a great way to make dissenting opinions more interesting. They should all be written like a bad stand-up act.

Scalia: What's the deal with the majority? I read this thing and all I could think was where did these people go to law school? It reads like they barely graduated from high school! Am I right, Thomas? Thomas: Hiyo!

10:10 It’s been three days and I am already sick of the Cheney jokes. Okay, he shot someone. Big deal, do you honestly think this is the first time he’s shot someone? I wouldn’t be surprised if he has children chained up in his basement. So let’s stop making a big deal out of this. Besides, he shot a lawyer. I applaud him.

10:12 This professor just called on my and told me that he needs to get as much from me as he can when I actually am here. I agreed, and told him he should get his money's worth when I'm here. The jig is up.

10:14 I think my #1 pet peeve is people who turn off the IM feature that says when they are typing. I want to know if I am being responded too, damnit!

10:18 It occurs to me that this post may sound like one of those Larry King News and Views columns. In that case, let me say this: For my money, there is no better tea than green chai tea.

10:19 I just checked out the actress who played Kimmy Gibbler’s IMDB page. I think it’s safe to say that she got out of acting because she was being type-cast as a quirky, annoying, stinky-footed best friend. Class is almost over; I am now going to count backwards from 60 in my head to pass the final minute. Take it easy.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Tennyson wrote, "In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love." In the middle of February, however, we've got more important things on our mind: sealing windows, radiator fluid, and basketball.

Let's face it, Valentine's Day is probably placed on the stupidest day of the year for a romantic holiday. You'd think the calender people would've realized that when they noticed cupid is wearing a loin cloth and not a parka.

Here's how the typical Valentines Day goes:

Man shows up at his date's door at 7:00 pm and it's already been dark for two hours. He's wearing three layers. His date is also wearing 3 layers. Both look 30 pounds heavier, because of it.

No clever small talk on the way to the car. Instead, they both shuffle as fast as possible to get to the car yet slow enough not to slip on the ice.

At the overbooked restaurant they wait in their layers for a table, secretly sweating and praying that they don't soak through their dress shirt/blouse.

Finally, if the Valentine's date is a success and they move things to the bedroom. They are likely to come into contact with their lover's sexiest appendage: an ice cold foot.

So, can we please move Valentine's Day to the spring?

Women, you have no idea what's it's like on that first warm spring day when, like a field of daisies, it seems that cleavage, calves, and shoulders have blossomed everywhere. The world seems flush with beauty and possibility as your soft hair tosses in the sweet spring air onto your exposed shoulders. If a declaration of love were ever apt, it would be then. Instead, we have to make our intentions clear when your only exposed flesh is a dry face with a red sniffling nose. No wonder you're disappointed in us.

Monday, February 13, 2006

I was at the Mall this weekend. Not one of those nice malls with a Nordstrom's and a Banana Republic but the kind that has booths that sell gold chains by the foot. After browsing though the Foot Locker, I saw an obese little girl 11-year old girl wearing a shirt that said, "You Can Call Me Your Majesty." I thought to myself, 'Ugh. Could America's youth get any worse." My question was quickly answered in the affirmative.

The mall was holding a beauty pageant! There was a stage set up and everything. I decided to stick around to see which fresh faced teen would win a $500 dollar college scholarship (that should pay for about 2 books). Then I saw some of the contestants. They were 5 year olds! Hair done. Make-up on. Little Ballroom Gowns. The works.

I actually know someone who reluctantly lets his wife enter his daughter into these things. When explaining it he said, "You know, like Jon Benet Ramsey." How disturbing! As the years pass how else will he describe his daughter's accomplishments? "She's taking a senior trip after high school. You know, like Natalee Holloway," or "She just got an internship in Washington. You know, like Chandra Levy."

The sad part is that referencing Jon Benet Ramsey may be the most tasteful option available. What else is he supposed to say? "My wife and I dress our 5 year old up in pumps, stocking, makeup, and gowns with cleavage. We then parade her in front of complete strangers while telling her "big smiles" or "pout your lips." It should be clear we really wanted a championship show dog."

While drawn to the social phenomenon/car wreck that kiddie beauty pageants are, I decided to leave before I became someone who has actually seen one. Before I left, I saw an image that could have been a post-modern Norman Rockwell: A little girl in her gown and get up, her fried blonde 30 year old mom trailing behind her, the 50 year old weather-beaten grandma carrying all the pageant implements in a bin following the blonde mom. I looked at this sad trio and thought to myself, "There goes three generations of Denny's Waitresses."

Friday, February 10, 2006

After morphing into Dear Abby last weekend with the relationship advice, I am back to my normal self, and we received this question:

Hey guys, love the blog. I am a 1L, and on Monday/Wednesday, we are done with class at noon, then have a long break, and have to come back for legal writing at 4. My section of legal writing is held in a small room, which is always 10 degrees warmer than the rest of the school (this will come in to play later). During that long break, different people do different thing. Some people stay and study, some go home and nap, and then there is this guy, I'll call him "Dan". Dan likes to go work out during this long break. I have no problem with this, except for one: Dan doesn't shower after his workout. Dan doesn't change out of his workout clothes. Dan stinks. He has horrible, horrible BO when he comes to class. This is made all the worse by the small, hot room we meet in. By the end of class, the room smells like a locker room and the rest of us are ready to throw up. Something needs to be done...Any suggestions?You are correct, something needs to be done. And not just for your immediate benefit, but for the future benefit of anyone who may be in your position. Dan is what is known as a Stinky Guy; he has no awareness of his own funk and thus subjects poor innocent people such as yourself to his body odor problems.

There are several different approaches to telling Dan he stinks. First, you could employ the subtle hint method. The next time you are in class, and he is stinking up the joint, say aloud, to on one in particular, "What stinks?" When this happens, everyone in the room takes silent inventory of their own odors, trying to figure out if they are indeed the cause of the odor. However, since it appears that Dan is oblivious to the situation, he might not take the subtle hint. Thus, you might want to try a not so subtle hint.

In doing this, you should bring in some air freshener. When Dan start funkifying the room, say"Oh jeez, something stinks", take out the can of air freshener, and start spraying it around the room. When you get to Dan, say "Smells like it's coming from over here", and send extra air freshener in his direction. Hopefully Dan will take the hint, although I somehow doubt it, as he seems oblivious.

The next option is to go the anonymous route. This could be done by putting some deodorant with a note that says "USE THIS" in his chair before he arrives at class, but I suggest the anonymous email. In fact, if you want, I'll send you an invitation to gmail, and you can create an address like DanYouStink or something, and send him an anonymous message detailing how he stinks, how it effects everyone in the class, and suggestions for stopping the stink. The only downside is that he may come to class with accusing eyes, or he will thinks it's a joke. And since he seems so oblivious, I think he may not think the email is serious.

So, I suggest you do this: Pull Dan aside, out of earshot of everyone, and repeat these words: "Dan, you stink." Be blunt and brutally honest. If he protests, tell him exactly how he stinks, and what everyone thinks of him. Tell him it is one thing to be the stinky kid in elementary school; a little bit worse in junior high; pretty bad in high school; ridiculous in college; and completely and utterly out of hand in law school. If, at this point, he doesn't do anything about it, I would suggest having the whole class go to the professor and ask him/her to address the situation. Keep us posted.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

6. Blog quizzes. It is our promise to you, the reader, that you will never know which New York Times columnist, Rule of Civil Procedure, or castmember of Cats we are.

5. Superfluous vulgarity. As all bad comedians know, when all else fails, curse. Cursing and vulgar language should be used to enhance humor, not be the source of it. For example: I walked to the store and bought some beer. Not funny. Compare: I walked to the motherfucking store and bought some fucking beer. Not funny, unless you are an idiot.

4. The Footnote*

3. Subtle Bragging. We will not use any little occurrence in our day to day life to remind our readers about our big firm jobs and status on the law review. (Because neither of us has a big firm job, nor is either of us on the law review. But if we were, you wouldn't know about it.)

2. News Analysis. We promise never to post a link to a news story and then provide our own analysis, unless that analysis is done by way of a professional wrestling analogy.

1. The Cross Out. We will never employ the trick where we write something, and then cross it out, and write something else. This trick is hilarious witty clever retarded.

* I will never put an asterisk so you will read an addendum to a comment that you can't even remember two paragraphs later

When I was a junior in high school, I had to have surgery on my jaw which required my jaw to be wired shut for six weeks. (The details behind this surgery are both graphic and boring, so I'll spare you.) Unfortunately, my mom insisted that I have the surgery done over Christmas break, which meant that not only would I not get to miss any school, but my Christmas break was ruined as well.

Having your jaw wired shut sucks. I wanted real food, but I had to settle for liquids. I was confined to soup, and what's worse, if the soup had any solid in it (like chicken or noodles), I had to run it through the blender. Being 17, grouchy, and spoiled, I refused to perform this task myself and insisted my mom do it for me. One day, maybe a week after the surgery, I was hungry and went to find something to "eat". I opened the pantry and looked at the soup selection, searching for some tomato soup since my mom wans't home to run the blender for me. Since it was the holiday season, my grandma was visiting, and she came into the kitchen to find me looking for food.

"What are you looking for, dear," she asked.

"Just some tomato soup," I replied (or tried to reply, since I was talking with my teeth forcefully clenched together), scanning the giant soup selection my mom had stockpiled, "But I don't see any."

"I can make you some," she said, and before I could say anything she shooed me off to the couch while she made me what I thought was going to be homemade tomato soup.

I expected it to take a while, but it would be worth the wait, I figured. Then, to my surprise, two minutes later my grandma walked into the room carefully holding a steaming hot mug. I was confused because she was done so quickly, and I tried to figure out an explanation. Maybe there was some leftover in the fridge, I thought. Or maybe she keeps a spare can in her purse. Whatever the explanation was, I was hungry and eagerly took the mug from her.

I took a sip (since I had to drink everything) as my grandma looked on in anticipation, and I nearly gagged. "Grandma, what is this," I asked as some hot red liquid dribbled out of my mouth and onto my shirt. "It's disgusting."

As she began her explanation, I heard the three words that my sisters and I dreaded hearing the most from her: "During the depression." She went on to explain that in the 1930's, when men wanted a hot meal but had no money, they would go into a coffee shop and get a cup of hot water for a penny. Then, they would put ketchup in the water and stir it up, making a crude tomato soup. Finally, she told me, they would crumble crackers in it and viola!, hot tomato soup.

I looked at my sweet old grandmother for a moment, and said "Grandma, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. But it's the 90's, the economy is robust, and there is a whole cabinet full of real soup." And with that, I got up and set out to teach myself how to use the blender.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

... but today in family law we were discussing whether an incest relationship would be constitutional under Lawrence v. Texas (consensual homosexual sex is constitutional). Lots of people put in their two cents about how it could harm the family, children, etc. These arguments were all moot if the two incestors were consensual adults who did not have kids.

Finally, I had to raise my hand and speak:

"There's got to be a difference between the moral repulsion that maybe 50% of the population has towards homosexuals, that has essentially become a 'you say tom-A-to, I say tom-a-to,' thing, and the feeling that 99% of us share: this relationship in this situation is disgusting."

After class, an editor of the law review (Federal clerkship next year, etc) came up to me and said, "I really think you hit the nail on the head with what you said."

Modestly, I replied, "I don't stand up for many issues but I am 100% against uncle fucking"

Monday, February 06, 2006

**Thanks to everyone who threw their two cents in about the unfaithful bride-to-be. In case you were wondering, the consensus was pretty much that the guy was well within his rights to call off the wedding. People had differing opinions on the friend's culpability, although many people agreed she failed as a friend.

**For those who brought it up, my response would have been exactly the same if the roles were reversed; In fact, I think I may have been even harder on a cheating groom. Also, for those who suggested that our posts this weekend were chauvenistic, let it be said we think men are just as stupid. In fact, this entire blog is a shrine to male stupidity.

**For those of you who suggested that you wouldn't personally call off your wedding in that situation, I say fair enough, but it's one of those situations where you don't know what you'd do until it happens. Sort of like the question "If you won $50 million in the lottery, would you stay in law school?" Lots of people like to say they would stay in school, but you can't really know what you'd do until you wake up for a 9:00 class with only 4 hours sleep, and 45 pages of reading to do, and the idea that you could be in a beachfront house sipping a margarita if you wanted is actually possible.

**No, we will not bring back comments. We still don't like them, and if we want reader feedback, we'll ask for it via email.

**Thank you to those who pointed out that I really meant DEFCON-1 instead of DEFCON-5. See, I am learning things in law school.

**As a huge football fan, this was an all-around disappointing Super Bowl. The game, while not a snooze fest, wasn't exactly exhilarating, and the commercials were nothing special. The only really entertaining part was watching a 350 pound running back play his final game.

**And finally, I had an IM conversation with our youngest fan, a 16 year old girl. This give a whole new meaning to 'Barely Legal'.

UPDATE: This person has deleted their blog. Good thing, too. After buying an extra cell phone to call her on and having to shower at the gym after sex with her, the last thing this married guy needs to worry about is whether his young mistress is blogging about him.

Yes, I did save her original post, a nutty look into the mind of a mistress

Lawyer Boyfriend

Since he is sure to be a frequent topic and I have nothing to say about the State of the Union since there were no straight up comical moments, just a lot of hot air...let me make a few things about lawyer boyfriend clear.

1) He's 14 years older than me.2) He's married.3) I realize this relationship is a one way road to disaster. It's just the sort of thing I thrive/fall apart on.

Here comes the part where readers will judge, and that's OK with me, I judge all the time like it's my job. It should be listed as an interest on my resume. Dating an older guy has it's advantages. Sure people ask me if he's going to bring his cane when we go out (ha ha ha), and yeah, his balls are sagging a little, BUT he worships me. It's a fair trade, I think. He's just enough older to feel lucky to be with a younger woman, he appreciates me for that and I don't mind that it's probably just the side effects of his mid-life crisis (he even drives a convertible, sheesh). He tells me I'm beautiful, he appreciates sex, he spoils me with gifts, he finds me jobs and he keeps my car running.

As for the married part, well, I guess that's a little more complicated. Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm jealous. Sometimes I'm grateful. Sometimes I call myself a Gold Digger. Sometimes I imagine a future. Most of the time I just wonder how long it can last.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

I only wanted to do one reader advice question per week, but today we received an email from a reader that deserved special attention.

Okay guys, I have one for you...

A few weekends ago was my best friends bachelorette party. We went to a major city close to us, got a hotel suite, and hit the clubs. My friend (the bride) was drinking a lot, and ended up leaving with some guy. According to her, she went back to his apartment and gave him a BJ. She came back to the room that night and passed out.

The next day she felt guilty and told her fiance about it. He blew up and called off the wedding. I am close friends with both (although i am better friends with her) and I don't know who to side with. I know she was wrong, but should he have called off the wedding? Is it that big of deal?First of all, this is the sort of email that will get posted on the blog. Good work. Now on to the question at hand...

Russ and I discussed the issue for a while and came to the conclusion that the guy was justified to have any reaction he wanted, short of violence. Everyone is different. To some people, they would let a thing like this slide and proceed as planned. Others would postpone the wedding and seriously examine the relationship. And yet others would cut off all ties with the hussy and move on with their lives. So long as he doesn't beat the shit out of her, I have no problem with any reaction. Because when you play with someone's emotions like that, you cannot define what an appropriate reaction is. So to answer your question, it is a big deal to him, and so yes, he should have called off the wedding.

But what really concerns me is your apparent lack of appreciation of the situation. "I know she was wrong," you say, but then go on and wonder if he overreacted by calling off the wedding. Well, of course she was wrong. I cannot think of anything right about a bride-to-be getting a facial from some random dude a few weeks before what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life. I'm sure you could try and excuse her behavior because she was drunk, but her impending nuptials was the very reason for her drunkenness. So it couldn't have just slipped her mind. And she couldn't have been that drunk if she made it back to the hotel room by herself. Besides, drunkenness doesn't excuse behavior, it only explains it.

Another burning question here is where the fuck were you? How did you and the other people at the party let her leave with some guy? Look, I have been to plenty of bars in my day, and I have seen the "female force field" at work on countless occasions. You know, when the friends all protect another friend from guys at all cost. At a bachelorette party, the friends should be at DEFCON-5 when it comes to protecting the bride. There should have been one goal: Don't let the bride do anything to compromise the engagement. And yes, that includes leaving with some random to go do God knows what. So the blood of this marriage is on your hands too, sweetheart.

Finally, and this wasn't really anything you asked, but it's my two cents...This bride has issues. I don't know her or anything about her, but that won't stop me from labeling her. She screwed up, big time. I don't know why she did what she did, but in doing it, she managed to ruin her life for the forseeable future. As for the guy, I think he is probably better off without her. I commend him for calling off the wedding; no matter what, that can't be an easy situation.

For the readers, we want your input: What would you have done in this situation? Also, is there anyone out there who would dare to defend the girl? Email responses to barelylegalblog@gmail.com.

(And for the girl who wrote the email to begin with: Russ wants the phone number of the bride. Thanks.)

Friday, February 03, 2006

Mike and Russ,I have been dating this guy for three months now, and things are going great . Just last week he said he loved me, and I love him. (He isn't in law school, he has a real job. It's amazing, I don't know why I didn't think of this before!) Here is the problem: I have a picture in my apartment of me and my ex-boyfriend from a vacation we took with my family a few years ago. The new guy saw this the other day and got really upset and jealous, and I saw a side to him I have never seen before. He wants me to get rid of the picture, but I don't want to. It's not in a place that anyone really sees it (it's in my spare bedroom, on a dresser), and that vacation was very special to me and I don't want to forget it. Am I being unreasonable for not taking the picture down, or he is being unreasonable for demanding that I get rid of it? I need a guy's advice, and you guys are guys. Help me out, please?Sure, we can help. On first glance, you keep up pictures of your ex-boyfriend so that the new one can see it, and you write two stangers all about it. Seems to me like you enjoy the attention of men. Nevertheless, here is my take: Everyone has a bad side. Whether that will turn out to be a cheater, a beater, an silent seether, or maybe if you are lucky, a crier, eventually it will get revealed. Your boyfriend's was revealed, but I can't really fault him. After all, you said this is getting serious. You have exchanged the 'L' word. So why would you keep visual reminders of previous boyfriends around? Sure, that vacation may have been special, but it's over, just like the relationship. You have to move on.

This guy saw the picture and felt insecure. Whether or not that is reasonable is not the issue. He did, and that's what matters. If you like the fact that he is flushed with emotions over the new relationship, you can't fault him for being flushed with emotions when he sees you with a previous boyfriend. Knowing in his mind that he isn't the first guy in your life is one thing; constant visual evidence is another. You should explain to him that you no longer have feelings for the previous guy (if that is in fact the case). You should assure him that you love him and don't want to be with anyone else (if that is in fact the case). If you really do love this guy and see it going somewhere, then you would take the picture down. If it is truely that important to you, put it in a private photo album with other pictures from that vacation. But if you want my advice, cut the old guy out of the picture or throw it away. Keeping this picture isn't worth throwing away your relationship.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

In a nutshell, Alito broke ranks with the conservative justices and voted to stop the execution of a death row inmate. It's much too early to tell if Alito has been a mole this entire time, but it is times like these that I wish that politics was more like pro wrestling.

Alito would have been one of Bush's goons, always helping Bush cheat to win matches, and running in and saving him from beatings by his opponents. They would team up to take on challengers, culminating in a tag team match at Wrestlemania, Bush and Alito (aka The Conservative Connection) vs. John Kerry and Al Gore (aka The Blue Streaks).

Bush and Alito would be winning handily, really rubbing it in. The Conservative Connection's manager, Trent Lott (aka The Southern Dandy), would distract the ref so Bush could use some brass knuckles he was hiding in his tights on Kerry. Then Bush would pin Kerry, and the match is over. Bush and Alito raise their arms in victory. But as soon as Bush turns to taunt the crowd, Alito picks up a folding chair and whacks Bush over the head. Alito then joins the Blue Streaks as they stomp on Bush, and Trent Lott for good measure. Then the three of them join arms and raise their hands in unity, as the Blue Streaks music blasts through the arena and the crowd goes wild, with a dazed Bush laying in the middle of the ring, the victim of an elaborate set-up.

How has law school beaten you down? How has it crushed your gentle spirit? Has it made you bitter, depressed, nervous, fat, impotent? Did you come in an idealistic liberal and leave a craven conservative? Did you imagine yourself on law review only to end up in the bottom of your class? Did you start a blog about farting in torts only to have no one read it? Tell us your story, (but please try to be funny and not too dark). Send in submissions to barelylegalblog@gmail.com. All entires will be kept anonymous. Also, as a reminder, send in any questions you may need advice for, we are always taking those submissions.