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LETTER FROM WISCONSIN

Posted on: 20 February 2014

Dear Uncle

Of a man, a toddler, milk-engorged breast, a bus and a journey!!!!

Uncle of all the disappointments that I have in this world, there is none greater than my inability to qualify as an ‘expert’ in my chosen career. Because if I were, in addition to the brain, heart, liver, kidneys and lungs being labeled as the five vital organs in the body, I would have added breasts aka ‘bobby stand’ as a sixth vital organ. You might be at it again, hurling insults in my absence at my big head and crooked legs but give me the opportunity to avail myself of the wonders that the mammary glands have done and will continue to do for mankind.

Mammary glands aka ‘bobby stand’ are fascinating as they come. Do you know that no two ‘bobbies’ are the same in shape and size even if they belong to the same woman. They come in various shapes anatomically known as conical, pendulous, spherical, and tubular and so on and so forth. The breast is so important that worldwide the whole of month of October is reserved for its celebration and recognition of the good that it has done to mankind. Now what are some of these benefits? Uncle a world ‘withthat’ breast and its milk would be populated with millions of malnourished/marasmic children. It is the main source of protein and energy for most children in the third world and in fact a critical determinant of infant mortality in deprived countries. But it also serves many other roles. Do you know how much solace I find by laying my head between them two mammary glands after a very stressful day at work listening to ‘goooood’ music by Louis Armstrong? I betcha (apologies to Sarah Palin of Alaska) “what a wonderful world” has never sounded so beautiful than enjoying it whilst my head lays in between the ‘booby stands’ in my case at a modest and nimble 550 watts per channel. It appears though that the relationship is mutual and symbiotic. It is just as well that a recent BBC article proved that regular vigorous and rigorous sucking of a woman’s breast (by a man of course) leads to statistically improved reduction of breast cancer incidences worldwide.

It is against such symbiotic relationship that I narrate to you an incident that I actually witnessed on a bus in 1996 on a journey from Accra to Kumasi, Ghana. Okoche, one of my friends from Achimota had won the dean’s prize for best engineering student at UST and had been rewarded with an amount of USD 4,000 in those days. He invited us about five medical students from Accra to help him ‘blow’ the money. We therefore boarded an STC bus (more like greyhound here) to embark on the journey from Accra to Kumasi. Through ‘connections’ we were able to secure the five back seats for ourselves and directly seated in front of us were a mother breastfeeding her toddler (about 3 years) and a very respectable middle aged man who looked a little anxious. Even before the bus left the station, the toddler will suck the breast for a few minutes and then put it away and cry and demand the breast on and off. The mother got so irritated that she once remarked “hey Kwaku if you don’t stop misbehaving, I will give the breast to this gentleman oo!!” The man did not protest which surprised almost everybody on the bus, well almost everybody except me. After setting off and almost 30 minutes into the journey, the toddler did the same thing and the mom yelled again “hey Kwaku, if you don’t stop this nonsense, I will give the breast to the man sitting next to us oo”!! This time the man patiently put his two hands in between his thighs and the grin on his face was like an expectant dog waiting for his master to throw him that chicken bone he is chewing (which is highly unlikely in Ghana, I might add) . This narrative occurred twice more, till we got to Nkawkaw (almost 2 hours into the journey) and when the woman raised her voice and said “Kwaku if you don’t stop this…, the man quickly cut her short and said, “Madam please stop being a nincompoop, stop the nonsense because you are making me angry to the point where it may turn violent. These breasts were promised me right from Accra. I have waited patiently from Accra through Achimota, Nsawam, Suhum and now Nkawkaw. I should have alighted at Suhum but latched on to your flimsy promise hoping against all hope that you will give me a chance at sucking these breasts.” And with that the man left the bus and boarded the next one from Nkawkaw back to Suhum.

Now judging by the behavior of the man and with current scientific literature supporting the benefits of breast sucking by a man (and not a baby or toddler), I think the man was a ‘Pharisee’ because he could see far into the future. All he was trying to achieve was to reduce the chances of that lady getting breast cancer!!