Exactly at the six week mark, I have flu-like symptoms: A headache so horrible the likes of which Iíve never before experienced (I canít remember the last time I got a headache), incredibly sore neck/back, swollen glands, a fever (last night I experienced one briefly). Itís been going on for a couple of days. No one has the flu around me, which doesnít bode well. It seems as though my first unprotected encounter looks to be the one to change my life forever.

The rapid test I took today came back negative, but that just means I havenít converted yet. I took a NAAT test, which will give me definitive proof - in 7 Ė 10 days. I imagine Iíll test positive.

I canít sleep, I canít eat. I go through crippling moments of anxiety, depression, hope, fear, surrender, you name it. They come, they pass, and I try my best to be mindful, but what remains is the shock: I didnít plan this for my life. One dumb decisionÖ Thereís anger, guilt, frustration, shame.

This experience has opened my heart in ways I never thought possible, and I know that down the road Iíll be fine not matter what. I read a beautiful post here that said you have to look at HIV like diabetes Ė theyíre both lifelong, manageable conditions, one is just more stigmatized. I hope to get to that realization someday, but in the meantime, I donít know how I am going to get out of bed. I donít want this to be true, but canít deny that the signs are all thereÖ

Funny thing about signs and symptoms is that they can be the same for sooo many other things. And power of suggestion can truly do havoc on our bodies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that its all in your head , not at all, but try not to get yourself so worked up that you literally make yourself sick from anticipation. Focus on your rapid test results , and prayer( i take prayer seriously) . And like I will tell everyone that find out things are all negative , to still learn a lesson from this experience . And if things turn positive then there is still just other new lessons to learn . But I have a saying....Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere. I wish all folks that went through the scare of MAYBE being pos but ended up negetive would share that scary experience to others so that perhaps , just perhaps , they'll think twice for themselves.

--------------------Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

Thanks so much for your response. You're right about the worry, and that's a quote I'll take with me. The signs are simple too convenient to ignore, but I'll do my best to put my fears at bay until I know for sure. Talking about it helps.

In the meantime, you spoke of prayer. My main prayer would be to remove the shame and stigma - from everyone, positive and negative. I'm learning now more than ever that this is such a fickle disease...and all the judgments I've had about those who have acquired it are melting away. There is no right or wrong. Just compassion...and, with time, healing. I hope.

The best thing that you can get from all of this is just that, a new understanding of compassion and acceptance of those infected. We are not monsters or degenerates. We are just as your sister, brother , mother or father. And it really doesn't matter how one has gotten to where they are. That point is never asked in support groups . Why? Cause it is neither here nor there , it is at this point , just is. Take this realization to others that you meet. It's a chance to educate about how it could easily happen to them if they are not careful and wise. And to become wise one needs to be educated and that brings the circle back to youl .

--------------------Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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