Saturday, November 9, 2013

"Happy Veteran's Day!" By An Obese Man Eating A Corndog At A Mattress Sale

God, these things are good. Perfect amount of crackle, you know? Whoever is working the fryer knows what he's doing. Anyway, they're free for customers, so I thought I'd come in and browse.

I felt guilty on the way over here. I'm spending the day checking out the sales and grazing sample food, and in a bunch of countries I know nothing about, there are American soldiers probably doing horrible things and getting shot. Am I really commemorating their sacrifice by getting my complimentary Sleep-Rite Profile?

But then this thought occurred to me: Why the hell not? Like I said, I am completely ignorant of their mission, and I certainly don't understand how it relates to my actual freedom. Maybe they just took out a terrorist who was about to level my local shopping mall. Then again, maybe they just murdered someone for no good reason. How should I know? US foreign policy is classified, redacted... a total black box. I can't support something if I don't know what it is. And how can you call this a free country when I don't have any control over what it's doing? Oh Christ, my esophagus is on fire.

I have to go lie down on that reinforced Double-King over there, so I'll make this simple: You guys can pretend you're defending my liberty with secret operations and drone strikes, but I get to pretend I'm supporting you with parades and fried food. Sure, we're both lying to each other, but we're going to keep at it until you or I get killed.

I'm not sure which it will be. I might get blown up tomorrow over some stupid thing you did and didn't tell me about. Also, right now I can't feel the left side of my face.

To commemorate Veteran's Day, what could be more patriotic and American other than eating a FREE corndog “with the perfect amount of crakle,” squiggled over with Heinz or French’s yellow mustard, and then sleeping it off on an honest to god, Made in America, Selecto-Matic, Sleep Rite ‘n-Tite, California king size, 18 inch thick ‘Magic Cloud-Puff’ (patent pending) pillow-topped, quadruple process injected memory foam mattress on a 976 triple tied S30V stainless steel New-Tech springs foundation box?

You’re a real example and I feel ashamed. All I do is wear a plastic poppy and then on November 11th observe a moment of silence at 11:00 a.m. while watching a wreathe placing ceremony on a television set and think about nineteen and twenty something year old soldiers getting blown up in some foreign country who are then maimed for life, or shipped home in a box.

But I get it; we’re all “pretending” and none of us knows our ass from our elbow what’s really going on or why (....sorry to interrupt, but pass the mustard when you’re done. Thanks).

If more people had your attitude, we'd probably treat the lives of our servicemen and women with greater care. And then I'd be writing about other stuff. Or maybe I'd be writing about corndogs, but unironically.

Just popped in to see if there was new post and the photo of this corndog slams my gut with hunger pangs. Lord have mercy! My wife has put me on a diet, but right now I’d kill for a corndog w/ mustard. I didn’t need to see this again! Damn it, post something new!!

Ugh. You don't need that. I'm sorry. The blog is slowing down, because I'm working on a novel. Relief will come, but when? I do not know. I'm a man of limited talents and intermittent - spotty - bursts of inspiration.

Sexual fantasies, desperation...

...cat-sitting... The Big Money is about these things. And also love, loneliness, the Spider Demon at the end of Doom, and working at a fashion magazine.It is true in the emotional, but not legally actionable sense.Buy it on Kindle......or Nook.