18 years of failure

It will be my 18th birthday on Saturday. It's been the milestone in my mind with regard to suicide for months and months now. I think I can make it to the actual day, and maybe a few days beyond that, but after that, I really don't know. I've had a plan worked out for quite some time now. I have nothing to live for. I have achieved nothing in my 18 years, just pissed it all away. I've been suicidally depressed for 16 of the last 17 months. Been suicidal on and off (but mostly on) since I was 14. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of being in constant misery and having to pretend to everyone that everything is fine. I'm sick of the social anxiety which has ruined my life and any chances of ever having an friends/ a relationship/ interacting with anyone in any way, really. I'm sick of the SAD. I'm sick of having to resist cutting myself. I can't take this anymore. I'm only half way through my first year of uni, and I'm having a breakdown already. I can't take the social side of things...the anxiety never goes away, even when home or on holiday. I don't really even know what it is I'm afraid of, but it's crippling. I can't sleep and feel like I'm going to vomit at times with sheer terror. I hate that I've let this become my life. There is nothing to my life - just these four walls...trapped inside my mind. I drive myself insane. There is nothing left to me, I'm just an empty shell of a person, nothing more. Everyday just reminds me of how pathetic and unbearably dull my life has become, and it reminds me of how much of a freak and how alone I am. I will never be like other people. I will never be happy in this world.. The one thing that has always stopped me is family..God, I wish I didn't care, as fucking heartless as that sounds. My mum tries to help (she just found out I'm suicidal 8 days ago), but she doesn't understand at all, and only makes me feel worse a lot of the time. She treats me like even more of a fucking child since she found out. I don't think there's a single aspect of my existence I actually control. I hate this shit. I hate the predictable monotony of it all. I'm not enjoying uni (it's just made me worse in a lot of ways), but a job would be just as bad, if not worse - who the hell would employ me anyway? I'm going to be a nervous, depressive wreck either way... I can't take the pain anymore. I am just trapped in this shitty existence. All I ever do is survive at best - I never live. I just don't see things ever getting better. I'm too fucked up to fix. Every day of my life is hell. Trapped in the torment of my own mind, and this feeling I can't explain...it doesn't even feel real anymore.

Nothing's ever gonna get better. Wish I'd had the guts to go all the way through with it when I tried to OD in July...

You're barely 18, you're still so young and have so much life to live. You say you haven't achieved anything in your life, neither have I and I'm older than you. But that doesn't mean to give up, because you can do whatever you want in life. It's your life and you need to live it the way you want to. It's good that your mom cares so much, even if it does seem annoying...she loves you and doesn't want to lose you. I'm sure you could get hired somewhere, there are jobs where you don't really have to interact with people if you don't want to. Maybe that would be easier for you since you have anxiety. Please just keep posting and let us know what's going on. :hug:

You still got a long ways to go. I'm 18 and I suffer through some mild depression and suicidal thoughts. I know things seem tough now but at least you got people here who are willing to support you and care for you. Things sometimes don't go as we plan... I wish I could be a nurse right now but I still have lots of work ahead of me. I don't know if I'll make it to tell you the truth but I stay optimistic. Things can only get better - it just takes a lot of time and proactive work to get to better. Remember were here to support you :hug: If you need someone to talk to let me know. I'm sorry your feeling suicidal and depressed...

Well...I've decided I will stay alive until my birthday, and then after that to see the results of the autism diagnosis... I really don't know about after that though. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but I honestly can't see myself making it another year... I want to fight. I want to overcome the social anxiety that I've let control my life and the very essence of who I am for so long. I want to get better, but I really don't know if it's possible...I can't ever even imagine not being completely crippled by SA or of being to function in any social/performance event. I DEFINITELY cannot imagine ever having friends irl. I don't know what to do....just trying to struggle on through it, really...

hi RumoursOfMyDemise, I admire you for wanting to fight... Im 18 too, i dont think you should give up just yet.. you're still very young alot of things could still happen and you still have plenty of time to figure out your life... you're attending school right? and so far its not working for you? so what course are you taking up? is it something that you chose or enjoy? If its really not working for you maybe you could talk to your mother and take time off school. maybe you just need some time.

And about the autism diagnosis? let us know how it goes. keep us updated.. I wish all the best for you

Well with the exception of autism and age, were pretty similar in our situations. But everyone else is right; you are still very young and you do have a chance to change things. 18 might seem a short distance to 22(my age) but that's 1460 days you have to experience change. Just a little can make a big difference. I wasted mine by letting my anxiety get to me but I made small changes. I spoke up more (to family at least) and I kept a job for a year. And for me that's huge. You are now an adult which gives you so much freedom. Please try and use it.

Also if college is too much, drop it. Dont listen to parents, teachers, family, no one. It'll be hard and the lessons might even be some of the easiest you've ever had, but that social disconnect can make them seem like torture sessions. You dont want to voluntarily put yourself through Hell. Thats what Im doing and I am beyond miserable. If there is something you really love doing Id self study, maybe go for a trade if possible. Then when you feel ready, you can try college again. If someone had cared enough to tell me I had that option when I was 18, I would have taken it.

“Tell someone how you’re feeling—a parent, another relative, a friend, a teacher, a minister—someone who cares, who will take you seriously, listen to you, and help other important people in your life hear what you need to say.”
Of course, talking about your problems won’t make your problems disappear. But it might help you to put them in perspective, and the support of a trusted confidant may be just what you need to work out some practical solutions.Here are some articles that may help you.And heres another article

Gemma, I'm 24 and I've been suicidal since I was like 7 years old, I rarely have urges but, when I do, I really want to end it all.
I haven't accomplished anything either, but I keep fighting, I'm done with struggling and I just fight because I won't let deppresion get the better of me.

Focus on what can you do, do you write poetry? paint? play any instrument? ANYTHING, focus on that and developed your life around it, if you can then drop college if it really is making a denth on you.
I can't give you advice on how to deal with social anxiety, since I still deal with mine no matter how much progress I have made in treating other people.
But that's the thing, you got to belive in yourself and not in anybody else, please stay here for as long as you can, I'm sure many people will help you because you're not alone Gemma.

Are you getting treatment for your depression? If not, would you be willing to give it a try? I know life is harder when the suicidal feelings become active. I'm glad you expressed yourself here. Expressing ourselves to each other most always seems to help at least for a little while.

hi RumoursOfMyDemise, I admire you for wanting to fight... Im 18 too, i dont think you should give up just yet.. you're still very young alot of things could still happen and you still have plenty of time to figure out your life... you're attending school right? and so far its not working for you? so what course are you taking up? is it something that you chose or enjoy? If its really not working for you maybe you could talk to your mother and take time off school. maybe you just need some time.

And about the autism diagnosis? let us know how it goes. keep us updated.. I wish all the best for you

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Thank you. I'm attending university right now (first year), and not coping at all. I mean....if I'm struggling now...how the hell am I ever gonna manage in the later years? I just don't think I'm cut out for this at all...I don't really want to get a job either though, because that would involve social interaction and long hours doing boring crap I don't want to do/ feeling trapped/ listening to the same old unintelligent, dry, mundane crap that 'normal' people always seem to take so much pleasure in. I'm studying Animal Biology...I like the actual subject, but...the lab work is hell, and a lot of what we're studying now doesn't interest me in the slightest. It bores the hell out of me. I'm also doing a module in psychology, which interests me a lot, but the work load for that module is stressing me out so much, and I'm already way behind with essays and the like. I did choose to go to uni, but only because I didn't really see any better options, not because I particularly wanted to. I've spoken to my mum and the psych nurse about it....i dunno what to do. We talked about me deferring for a year, and using that year to focus on improving my mental health, but I don't see the point really...I'm going to have to face the harsh reality eventually... We also talked about me doing an online degree instead, but the Open University don't appear to have an Animal Biology course, just general biology. Also...if I studied online, I really would be like a hermit apart from talking to my immediate family. Uni is about the only contact with the outside world I currently have, even though I don't talk to or interact with anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm at a loss for what to do....I will never last in the real world.

As for the autism diagnosis....we still don't know. The person who assessed me is an expert in female autism, and even she doesn't have a clue. She agrees that I have many of the social and communicative problems associated with autism (which is probably due to my severe social anxiety more than anything else), but I don't have any of the stereotyped/ repetitive behaviours or mannerisms associated with autism, understand sarcasm, body language, can tell how other people are feeling no problem, have above average empathy, hate routines, and other things atypical of autism. So since I don't have the "Triad of impairments", she can't give me the autism diagnosis. She's mentioned a couple of other things it might be, including something called "Social Communication Disorder", which I doubt I have from what little I can find out about it. Think I'm sticking with the social anxiety diagnosis for now, but I have no idea.... My psych nurse mentioned that if what I had was just social anxiety, the anxiety would lessen with exposure, but mine's doesn't really do that, and when it does, it keeps coming back worse (usually with each depressive episode). To be honest, I'm now at the stage where the depression is far more of a problem for me than the anxiety is, and the anxiety is crippling....I'm just apathetic to everything now...I don't even see the point in overcoming my anxiety any more...

Also if college is too much, drop it. Dont listen to parents, teachers, family, no one. It'll be hard and the lessons might even be some of the easiest you've ever had, but that social disconnect can make them seem like torture sessions. You dont want to voluntarily put yourself through Hell. Thats what Im doing and I am beyond miserable. If there is something you really love doing Id self study, maybe go for a trade if possible. Then when you feel ready, you can try college again. If someone had cared enough to tell me I had that option when I was 18, I would have taken it.

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Again, if I drop uni, the alternatives are just as bad, if not worse. Being an outsider and seeing how much fun other people my age are having/ how much more socially competent and just generally more capable they are than me gets me down so much. High school was utter hell for me, and how I feel now is just as bad, if not worse. As incredibly awful an experience high school was for me (even now, I have no idea how the hell I made it through that..) I never skipped any classes. Whereas now at uni, where I'm not actively bullied, and don't experience the same intensity of panic attacks most of the time, my attendance this trimester has been terrible - I've missed around a third or more of my classes. I just want to give up... I dunno what I love doing...I don't do anything except waste time, really...

Gemma, I'm 24 and I've been suicidal since I was like 7 years old, I rarely have urges but, when I do, I really want to end it all.
I haven't accomplished anything either, but I keep fighting, I'm done with struggling and I just fight because I won't let deppresion get the better of me.

Focus on what can you do, do you write poetry? paint? play any instrument? ANYTHING, focus on that and developed your life around it, if you can then drop college if it really is making a denth on you.
I can't give you advice on how to deal with social anxiety, since I still deal with mine no matter how much progress I have made in treating other people.
But that's the thing, you got to belive in yourself and not in anybody else, please stay here for as long as you can, I'm sure many people will help you because you're not alone Gemma.

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That's amazing...I try to keep fighting too, but I don't know if I can for much longer...maybe another year at most.... Again, I'm not particularly good at anything, so yeah... I wish I had the same strength as you.

I do enjoy solitude at times, but a lot of the time, I just feel this unbearable loneliness that I can't really explain and I think few people actually experience. A lot of the time I really wish I could be happy/ able to live with being alone for the rest of my life, but I can't... But at the same time...relationships hurt like hell...being emotionally distant is suffocating, but being open leaves me vulnerable and I overreact to even the tiniest thing...it's hard to explain. I seem to be paranoid that everyone hates me and that everyone is out to hurt me in some way...that there's no point letting people into your life if they will just hurt and reject you and cause you nothing but emotional agony.

Are you getting treatment for your depression? If not, would you be willing to give it a try? I know life is harder when the suicidal feelings become active. I'm glad you expressed yourself here. Expressing ourselves to each other most always seems to help at least for a little while.

I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

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Thanks. I've being seeing child and adolescent psychiatric services for the last 3 years, and now that I'm 18, I'll be getting transferred to adult services soon. So far...I dunno how much it's helped... Talking about things/ getting them off my chest definitely helps, but other times, going there just makes me feel worse. I dunno...mostly it hasn't helped, but it's mixed feelings...