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This 30-Second Test Will Tell You Whether Or Not To Stay Together

Use the "break up formula" to help you decide whether to stay in a relationship or end it all.

Some relationships are obvious clunkers: the drug addict, the physically violent, the partner who sneaks out of your birthday dinner a million times to text his "platonic" friend Marianne. These are the people your friends beg you to leave but you stay because you're recreating or rectifying some twisted family dynamic you've never grown beyond. If that's the case, no self-help article is going to help you; yours is the realm of a qualified therapist. But often, the question of whether to stay or go isn't simple. "Good" people can still have bad relationships with each other and it can be hard to recognize that a couple is doomed if your partner isn't an obvious loser.

Several years ago, I became involved with a man who, on the surface, seemed almost perfect.

I'll call him James. He was sweet, easy-going, and the devoted father of two well-mannered children sharing custody with his ex-wife, with whom he appeared to have a cordial relationship. My only concern at the outset was that James hadn't been in a relationship since his divorce five years earlier although he assured me that his marriage was truly over. Everything else about him was wonderful, so I decided not to let this warning sign deter me. Divorced men (and women, for that matter) are seldom completely baggage-free.

From the beginning, our relationship was a bit like a local bus ride: lots of stops and starts. James was sweet, supportive and appropriately cautious about introducing me to his children, which he finally did after two months. He was also flaky, often changing or canceling plans at the last minute. Even our sex life resembled a backfiring car; I never knew if he'd follow through or abruptly break off without explanation. I didn't know what to make of James and I regularly asked myself if it was time to get out. But there were never any big problems, just little ones that were easily explained away at the time.

The turning point came six months into our relationship.

I'd asked him to take Valentine's Day evening off from work, and he "forgot." At dinner the following night, he gave me a stuffed animal. It was Hallmark's special that year: a bear with a hollowed out stomach that could conceal a jewelry box or other surprise. There was nothing inside; James hadn't even removed the paper wadding. It's the thought that counts in any gift, and this one said: "I didn't bother to open the obvious zipper or even wonder why it was there."

I'm not one for angry outbursts so I waited a few days before sitting James down for a talk. I told him that after six months I needed to know where our relationship was going. He admitted that I deserved clarity, strongly hinted that he wanted to stay together and promised to call me in a couple of days. I never heard from him again. After about a week, I left a message on his answering machine, officially ending whatever it was we had.

Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see where I went wrong. All my previous relationships had ended in clean, obvious ways: a fight, a long-distance move, another woman. There were no such end points with James, just a lot of chronic frustration and ambiguity.

I failed to recognize that never being totally happy was reason enough to leave and that is, I believe, the key to deciding whether to stick it out or bail.

I'd been sticking around for the potential of what James and I could be if he kept our dates, if we worked through our sexual issues, if I could adjust to having two small children in the relationship mix. The fact that I occasionally got brief glimpses of that potential only made it harder to see that in the real world, we were going nowhere.

I'm friends with a married couple who talk to each other almost exclusively in "Dr. Phil" lingo: continually acknowledging each other's feelings and voicing all frustrations in careful "I" statements devoid of anger or blame. Going out to dinner with them exhausts me and I see in them what longterm involvement with James might have been an eternity of never quite getting what I want.

In the wake of my six-month non-relationship with James, I've adopted a 100-50 test: If I'm not 100% content in a relationship 50% of the time, it's probably time to get out. Every relationship takes work, but that work shouldn't be unrelenting. It's as simple as that.

1. Margaret Cho + Al Ridenour

2. Hugh Hefner + His Girlfriends

2. Hugh Hefner + His Girlfriends: Hef will never truly settle down, no matter what his station or status. Remember, Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson have careers because of their three-way open relationship with Hef and Bridget Marquardt.

3. Rachael Ray + John Cusimano

3. Rachael Ray + John Cusimano: The cooking queen and her musician hubby have denied the open-ness of their marriage, saying it's insulting to their families. But he was reportedly a patron at Checkmate, a swinger's club.

4. Robin Thicke + Paula Patton

4. Paula Patton + Robin Thicke: The "Blurred Lines" singer was asked about the nature of his relationshp during a Howard Stern show interview, but chose not to answer out of respect for his actress wife. Then, the marriage eventually imploded and he groveled to "get her back." It didn't work.

7. Brian Austin Green + Megan Fox

5. Megan Fox + Brian Austin Green: This sounds like an odd set up if it were indeed true. Word is that Green was not allowed to see anyone else, but Fox had permission to date other dudes. We cannot help but wonder if that arrangement has changed since they had two sons and since her career has cooled.

6. Tilda Swinton

6. Tilda Swinton + John Byrne: The unmarried duo has twins, but she has said that they both enjoy the company of others while remaining close. "It may seem odd but it is certainly the best thing for the children," the actress said. "It's not something I try to promote as a radical lifestyle choice. But it's a situation I find very healthy. I can maintain my life with my children and their father and spend time with the man I've become very fond of. I am very fortunate there has been a lot of understanding by the men." Progressive, indeed.

8. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith

8. Will Smith + Jada Pinkett Smith: These long-married parents of two have spoken about the concept of love not being akin to ownership and there have been rumors that each may have strayed with others ... but that's only if you look at it as straying.

9. Dolly Parton + Carl Dean

9. Dolly Parton + Carl Dean: The voluptuous country singer has been married to her hubby since 1966. She has spoken about not wanting to know if any cheating is happening and has said if they do cheat and don't know about it, that's probably why their marriage works. Interesting theory.... sort of.

10. Mo'Nique + Sidney Hicks

10. Mo'Nique + Sidney Hicks: The Oscar-winning actress and her husband are BFFs and have known each other 25 years. Mo'Nique has said she would not end the marriage if he cheated and she also said that while they have an open relationship, she does not practice the open door policy. We are left to believe that perhaps it is he that does.