Saturday, 26 September 2009

It's been a while since I have had the energy to write. I'm back at work fulltime and it is exhausting. The weekends come and I just crumble. I have nothing new to say, nothing new to share. It is just the same old rerun, week after week. I spend Monday to Friday faking it.

I miss my boy.

I am in this strange and uncomfortable place. I really just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare, but I can't. It is real and it is painfully so. Most of the time, I have come to terms with what has happened. I don't have a choice to really think otherwise, but I am still so burdened with heartache. I am distressed that I still feel like this. It is a hopelessness and sorrowful place. I am worried too about my husband. He is not handling things well at the moment. He often just disappears for a while, because it all becomes too much for him. He doesn't really want to talk and he won't go for professional help. I feel quite lost and not knowing how to help him makes me feel so paralysed. To watch his sadness and sorrow really breaks my heart all over again. Nearly ten months on and sometimes it feels like we haven't really come that far, but then I suppose we have. No choice really.

We are at different places about trying again. I so dearly want to. He feels like it is not right. I can respect that, but there is really no indication about when or even talking about it. I feel that I don't have anything to look ahead to and looking back reinforces the trauma of not having Tristan and I am ever so aware of it at every moment.

So, I feel like I do not have anything really worthy to share about where I am at for the moment, hence the quiet. It is pretty much same-same, with no prospects, no achievements. Life continues to go on - but feeling like I am moving really slowly in the midst of life as it flies by & around me.

About Me

I lost my first child, my gorgeous little boy, Tristan, in December 2008. He lived for a day and will be loved for a lifetime.
What happened to Tristan was like winning the horror lottery. The condition that affected him is known as Placenta Vasa or Vasa Praevia. Despite a healthy, textbook pregnancy and baby, birth is disastrous for babies with vasa praevia. The most simple way that this condition was expressed is that children with a placenta like this share the womb with a time bomb that goes off at birth. I presented with non of the symptoms of this condition, until my waters broke. I am on a journey now to discover glimmers of hope.