MOVIE REVIEW: Wahlberg saves the world – AGAIN – in bloated ‘Transformers 5’

Wednesday

Jun 21, 2017 at 10:35 AMJun 21, 2017 at 10:39 AM

Dana Barbuto The Patriot Ledger

Clank. Thud. Crash. Boom. Bang. “Transformers: The Last Knight” is another huge pyrotechnic porno that leaves a metallic taste in your mouth. I endured it so you don’t have to. The storytelling is messy and the movie is loud – really loud. Would you expect anything less from director Michael Bay, taking his fifth stab at his erector-set of a movie franchise?

From “Pearl Harbor” to “Armageddon,” to “13 Hours,” Bay’s motto has always been to go big or go home, and here he even one-ups himself. He goes ginormous. And so, a decade after he rolled out the first flick based on a line of toys and cartoon series from the ’80s, Bay, offers another huge, cacophonous calamity in which the Autobots and Decepticons face off in a butt-busting 150 minutes of giant machines demolishing each other. Pass the Advil.

Here’s what you need to know: It’s a spectacle, especially in IMAX 3-D. The battle scenes are overwrought – long, loud and ludicrous. You can’t decipher who’s fighting whom. It’s a full-blown orgy of metal, bullets, lead and fire engaged in an all-out assault on your senses. Bay beats you into submission. However, a special pair of glasses can’t disguise the movie’s many faults, namely sloppy storytelling at the hands of writers Art Marcum, Matt Holloway and Ken Nolan. This time they pen a tale that rewrites history and legend, showing how the Big ‘Bots had a hand in giving Merlin (Stanley Tucci) his magic and delivering the coup de gras to Hitler. You read that right.

Your eyes haven’t even adjusted to the dark before Bay launches his first fireball. In a prologue battle that feels like “Game of Thrones” meets “King Arthur,” he leaves you questioning if you’re watching the right movie. It’s soon revealed that Transformers do indeed go back to the Middle Ages. Also, there’s a powerful staff that “one day a great hero will come for.” That becomes the movie’s macguffin, involving about five subplots spread across the globe – none of them coherent.

Boston homey Mark Wahlberg reprises his role as struggling inventor Cade Yeager. After the events in the last movie, Cade is on the lam for being an Autobot sympathizer, a stance that doesn’t sit well with his fellow Americans who regard them as unwelcome aliens. Hmmmm ... that sounds like ... oh, forget it, Bay doesn’t want us to get that deep. Cade hides in a scrapyard in the South Dakota Badlands. The script draws him out because he’s the chosen one who must save the world from destruction. Wahlberg does that a lot of late in flicks like “Deepwater Horizon” and “Patriots Day,” except this time he looks more bored, as if he can’t wait to be free of a franchise he claims he’s now finished with. In an attempt to add emotional heft, the screenwriters insert a homeless orphan, Izabella (Isabela Moner) into Cade’s story. Eventually, he lands in England and teams up with a sexy history professor (is there such a thing?) named Vivian (Megan Fox lookalike Laura Haddock) to help him retrieve the staff and yada, yada, yada ... Chaos ensues. Bay gets points for actually giving the Hot Girl something substantial to do and for outfitting her in sensible footwear instead of stilettos while fleeing angry, armed robots. Poor Fox had to endure spiked heels in the earlier movies. But, like the women before her, Haddock doesn’t escape Bay’s leering camera. He knows how to frame a butt shot. If only that much diligence was taken with the rest of the film.

In London, Oscar-winner Anthony Hopkins minds a secret society of Autobot protectors and needs the good guys to get the staff to vanquish Quintessa, the mysterious sorceress of the robot planet Cybertron. Conspiracy theorist and franchise veteran John Turturro rings in from Havana (an Autobot sanctuary city, go figure) with information about the elusive weapon, too. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime is being brainwashed. In a rare moment of entertainment, his mortal enemy, Megatron, negotiates with U.S. officials the release of his baddies from a Gitmo-like prison. Another spot of fun is the ’Bot banter back at Cade’s junkyard voiced by a talented cast that includes Erik Aadahl (Bumblebee), John Goodman (Hound), Ken Watanabe (Drift), Omar Sy (Hot Rod) and John DiMaggio as the cute WALL-E clone, Sqweeks. The best new character is Hopkins’ ’bot butler, Cogman, a C3-PO knockoff voiced by “Downton Abbey’s” Jim Carter.

On the off chance that anybody cares, Josh Duhamel is also back as an assault-weapons-toting soldier for the TRF (Transformers Reaction Force) and “Veep” funnyman Tony Hale plays a scientist who warns about the impending doom. Stand-up comedian Jerrod Carmichael offers a dose of comic relief as another stray Cade picks up.

Fans of Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and the gang will be more than satisfied with the spectacle, but with that bloated running time, the movie wears out its welcome, not to mention your brain. Despite its too-many-to-name flaws, “Transformers” has a built-in audience that will “ooh” and “aah” just because it’s fun watching things blow up.

Dana Barbuto may be reached at dbarbuto@ledger.com or follow her on Twitter @dbarbuto_Ledger.