Vatican Industries unveils all new iPope

Fans of Vatican products gathered from all over the world in St Peter's Square, to be the one of the first to see the eagerly anticipated new model of Pope, unveiled by Vatican Industries. Despite being plagued with electrical problems just prior to the launch, which saw smoke bellowing from the workshop chimneys, a member of the VatInc board eventually took to the balcony from where the company traditionally launches its latest product, and announced the iPope's new features.

"Il Papa is the first of our Pope line to come from Latin America, meaning it has all the traditional strengths of our previous products like homophobia and archaic belief structures, but now also comes with added evangelism and a voice recognition system that is able to understand Amercian, not just Latin. It is Jesuit, whatever that means, and has been streamlined to function on only one lung, making it lighter and more transport friendly. Also, it is the first to be called Francis...so that's...a thing I suppose."

When fans were asked why they thought VatInc had replaced "Ill Papa" with "Il Papa", there were several theories, but one more popular than the rest. An awkward looking man, who had come down with his six adopted sons said that he had heard the new iPope would allow the faithful to rape young boys up to two and a half times faster than previous models. Unless quiet sobbing counts, the adopted boys refused to comment, instead they just looked at me with pleading eyes, clearly desperate for me to also feel God's infinite love.

At 76 years old, there are fears that the new Pope with be obsolete within a few years, but VatInc remain confident that they can stay ahead of the game. There are rumours circulating that they might even re-introduce the inquisition as a mobile phone app.