Thursday, November 24, 2011

"Corporate America,
Hi, it's us, the consumers. What plans do you have for Thanksgiving? I know I can't wait to eat, eat, eat and watch football and enjoy hysterical Target commercials all about me!

Also, I must thank you for being so gracious for inventing Black Friday to offer us consumers such great deals. I know you demand lack of sleep, shoving, pushing, and the occasional death from trampling, but you are oh so merciful.

I mean that 40% off that 10 by 10 foot flat screen TV is worth a consumer death here and there. After all, we are many! Just remember that I want to continue to serve you by buying with the mad hope and the silent desperation that eventually I will be satisfied.

Sincerely,

The Consumer"

Hello Consumer,

Thank you for your thoughtful letter and I apologize for the late response, however, as you said, I have been busy stuffing my face with food and watching the great National Football League on the 200 inch plasma television I bought during last year's holy day dedicated to myself.

I want to take a minute and talk about that most holy of days, Black Friday. I mentioned before that my 200 inch plasma television was purchased last year. This is most embarrassing that I would wait a whole year before purchasing another TV, but within a few hours I shall rectify this, as shall millions of consumers, just like you!

You are most welcome for the grand deals I offer on my primary holy day and I shall reward your grateful heart with an extra 30% off! Regrettably these deals cannot simply materialize out of nowhere and I require the deaths of at least thirty Wal Mart employees (the younger, the better), only then will I have the power to make that price come down. Even then, a word of caution, only the strong can claim such a prize, so I strongly suggest purchasing a weapon before you come to celebrate my magnificence.

In conclusion, I do not want your mind to be troubled by the lies that are fed to you by malcontents that I am sick and in my death bed. Quite the contrary, I am alive and well, but I need you to help keep me that way through your purchases so I can continue to shower you and others like you with my eternal blessings!

Monday, November 7, 2011

I realize you are easily frightened, but fear not, for this is your friend, neighbor, and lover, Corporate America! Now, you might be wondering, "What does he mean by Corporate America? Is this a CEO? A board of directors? A simple investor? What?" The answer to this is simple, I all of them and none of them. In other words, I am beyond the fine individuals labeled above (and certainly beyond the narrow understanding of you silly proles), for I am the very idea, the heart and soul of the American economy! I am as I introduced myself, Corporate America!

Now that introductions are over, I would like to inform you that I am writing this letter today to let you know how proud I am of you all for allowing me to advance your civilization! Since you let me take hold, I have helped to shake off any desire to help the lazy, feckless poor and replaced that giving spirit with the far nobler sense of greed. I have also helped you all to see the truth behind those no good, dirty unions and their 8-hour days and their 'fair wages'. In time, we might be able to repair our relationship even more to the point where I might stop sleeping around with other countries whose beds are far more welcoming.

It was nothing personal, the cheating, but for a while there you were looking pretty ugly. With some time and further makeovers (working longer hours, receiving fewer benefits, and taking major pay cuts, just to name a few), we might be able to rekindle some of our old romance that I now heap upon that sexy vixen, China.

That's all for now, America, but remember what we talked about! Also, Corporatemas-- I mean, Christmas (it's totally still a religious holiday) is coming soon, so mark your calendars and BUY, BUY, BUY!