After drubbing ducks, trampling terrapins and spanking hamsters in their last music review, Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) are eager to continue their slap-happy habits on a few new targets. The Emperor is off to give his new ugly, bearded, big-knockered Swedish au-pair a jolly good thrashing for having the temerity to hang her wet tights on his rubber duck, though he does admit he's quite excited at the prospect of having her mooning around the house! Meanwhile Peaches was initially planning to have Graeme's ad agency sell her to the nation as Maggie, Empress Of The World, so that she could dish out lots and lots of spanking to all of the common, scruffy little working-class oiks that refuse to vote for her. However her voice was considered to sound far too human for the role so she is now heading off to Whack-y Wales at the request of Reverend Llewellyn to spank the sinful wickedness out of anyone who dares to indulge in foul potions of the orient (drink tea), sample voluptuous indulgences of the carnal appetites (eat sandwiches) or who shows even the slightest sign of enjoying themselves at an eistedfodd. But before they go and do that, we'll quickly throw up, er throw over to our disgorging DJs and their review of "SICK MAN BLUES" by The Goodies.

WHERE? WHEN?

"Sick Man Blues" can be heard on these recordings:

LP: Best Of … The Goodies

Single: with "Funky Gibbon" on the flip side

CDs: "Yum Yum – The Very Best Of The Goodies" and "Funky Gibbon – The Best Of The Goodies"

Episode: 6/7 "The Goodies – Almost Live"

WHAT?

Lyrics: sung by Bill and Tim, with Graeme adding a memorable last line!

I woke up one morning, feeling so sick I thought I was dead (Oh yes I did)

I felt sick in my stomach and I felt sick in my head (Oh yeah)

So I rolled over on my pillow, and I threw up all over the bed

(You did, I know you did. You hear that? I heard that)

I turned round to my wife, and I threw up all over her (Why you do that?!)

I threw up on the cat, and I threw up on the baby's chair (All over the chair)

Now five years I've been travellin', and I've thrown up everywhere!

I've thrown up in California, thrown up in Timbuktu

Now come on over here baby and I'll throw up over you!

Throw it up, throw it up, up up [blech], throw it up, throw it up, up up [bleah]

Oh Lord I'm tellin' you, I got those sick man blues

(I'll tell you a little bit more now)

Well I've thrown up over Indians, I've thrown up over Jews

I've even thrown up on my blue suede shoes

Throw it up, throw it up, up up [blech], throw it up, throw it up, up up [bleah]

The inspiration for a blues musician often stems from the miserable experiences that life happens to throw up at frequent intervals, and it just so happens to be frequent miserable throwing up that has propelled Bill and Tim's musical careers along. You can give the Blues Brothers the heave-ho; for these retch-ed Bilius Brothers are the best in the business, barf none! Nau-sea here, life wasn't meant to be queasy (far vomit in fact!) so once these boys discovered that their ability to puke was no fluke, they knew that they had found their calling (usually either for Ralph or Bert!) Now they pack the Ipecac (and a swag of sick bags) and take their regurgitation across the nation, specialising in Elvis tunes which ensure that their blue suede shoes end up looking distinctly yellow afterwards. These songs no doubt include "Love Me Chunder", "All Shook Up", "Heartburn Hotel", "Reflux To Sender" and "Viva Last (Night's) Vegies", so make sure that you don't book a front row seat for one of their projectile performances just in case there's a rendition of "Stuck On You " in there as well! To their great credit, they never discriminate; always sharing their (recycled) lunch with less fortunate family members, pets and folks of all nationalities in a novel way of promoting world harmony – regardless of your skin colour you're bound to turn a revolted deep shade of green after these lads have done their "Ig-Nobel Pizza Prize"-winning work all over you! Still maybe it's time for them to ignore their gut feelings and try some new material for a change … like Billy Joel's "Upchuck Girl" or Abba's "Knowing Me, Knowing Spew" (ahurrrk!) … hmm, then again, maybe not. Just be grateful that they're only singing Elvis covers and not Chuck Berry ones instead!

WHY?

(Peaches Stiletto):

This song definitely invokes a strong feeling, particularly in the back of one's throat. With retching realism and a spastic rhythm the guys are not only singing the blues . . . they're whistling beef. If music lovers had stronger stomachs this number should rightfully be a blues classic . . . after all, what could be more sorrowful than blowing chunks night and day? (Although it could be argued the one left singing the blues would be the cleaning lady.) It might have been more appropriate to have written this as a country number, since playing in honky tonk bars would have been advantageous with the sawdust already on the floor. The singers may have broken a record for the most amount of "return" engagements without actually being asked to perform anywhere a second time! As they drove the porcelain tour bus to fame our heroes left them laughing at the floor. Having spewed the world over the boys probably found their most appreciative audience in Southern California where their song would become an anthem for a generation of confused wanna-be models (i.e.: "I wish they all could be California hurls.") This is undoubtedly one of the world's only musical tributes to reverse defecation and it certainly gives new meaning to the term "queasy listening." Without any hesitation the guys let their hair down (although it might have been better for them to tie their hair back). Not for those weak of heart or stomach, you either have to take it or heave it. I rate this one a big thumbs up and two lunches down . . . and out!

(Emperor Caligula):

One of Bill's few regrets from the golden years of The Goodies is that they never embarked on a musical tour. After all these years it's the perfect time for Bill and Tim to take their custard-guts concerts to far-retching places and whole new audiences who should be able to stomach them quite easily after three further decades of puking at the merest mention of Max Bygraves and his so-called music.

Their world tour kicks off soon in New Orleans, with Graeme already there blowing off merrily on beans and sprouts, and their combined efforts are guaranteed to cause a right old stink at the annual "Up Come-bo The Gumbo" celebrations. From there it's over to the Middle East (stopping for a quick spew in Timbuktu on the way) for their starring roles in "Joseph And The Amazing Technicolour Yawn", before heading to beautiful Austria and another musical with the Von (Digestive) Tract family and their herd of rather bloated cows – "The hills are alive to the sound of moo – sick!!" (Erk, where's that Indian and his accurate arrow when you need him? Probably gone on a hasty horseback dash to the shower after being vomited on by Tim!) After conducting the grand opening (of their gullets) at the Rochdale "Black Pudding Blerkfest", the Goodies' final gags, er gigs will be in Australia – the much-anticipated "Chunder Down Under" tour (proudly sponsored by the "Big Barf Comedy Festival"!) – so in true Aussie tradition I'll be "chucking a sickie" from work so that I don't miss it. Hope that they're going to sing the "Disco Heave", otherwise I'll be quite gutted!

Regardless, it's a pleasure to finally be able to review a Goodies song that's actually sicker than my own puns, though that's a matter to ruminate over as well. Song sicker or puns sicker? I think … it's gonna be … a toss-up. (Raaaaalph!)

HOW!

Using the Black Pudding Rating System:

III Goody Goody Yuck Yuck! (Peaches Stiletto)

IIII Officially Amazing (Emperor Caligula)

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII - Officially Amazing.

III - Goody Goody Yum Yum.

II - Fair-y Punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

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