Friday, March 05, 2010

In tough economic times, libraries are often forced to make painful budget cuts. Too often though, these cuts (layoffs, materials spending, etc.) happen behind the scenes and go unnoticed by library patrons. Librarians can help their own budget situations by making bold, noticeable budget cuts that are sure to capture the attention of their users. Some suggestions:

Replace compact fluorescent light bulbs with... no light bulbs.

Replace photocopiers with volunteer oral historians.

Charge $5 per printed page. (Twenty-page minimum.)

Hire volunteer sex-offenders to conduct all story-time and young adult programming.

Replace audio-book collection with homeless people who will follow patrons around and read books aloud.

Heat the library by burning Bibles.

Stop buying vampire novels.

Ask the readers: Do you have other bold ideas? Let us know in the comments section below.

Lay off the staff who serve on your virtual reference service and out-source their jobs (at a fraction of the cost) to India where, ironically enough, the bulk of the questions to your service originate to begin with.

Follow the lead of the State Library of Pennsylvania by furloughing (i.e., firing) half your staff -- including the top 3 managers with library degrees -- cutting your hours to 3 days a week (no evenings either!), and stop buying new materials.

Cut all magazine and newspaper subscriptions and fill periodical section with endless supply of donated back issues of National Geographic; start charging patrons to disable the filter from the computer so they can view porn; remove all tiny pencils and force users to take notes and fill out card applications with their own blood.

Any child who mis-shelves (or un-shelves) an item shall incur a $2.00 fine for each item moved. Children with unpaid fines will be read scary vampire books and sent home for their nightmares. Parents will wake up to "Momma, pay the library fines, or the vampires will eat me!!!!"

Babysitting $25.00 per hour, plus un-shelving fees.

Credit card required for checking out more than 5 items. Once fines reach $10, credit card is charged.

For each item returned smelling of smoke, or who knows what, a fine of $10.00 will be incurred; 50% will go toward making the smell go away, and the other 50% will go to the part-time employee health care fund (a.k.a. 2nd hand smoke illness fund).