I am I, and I wish I weren’t.

English

Why is it so hard to find a balance between reality and your dreams, the life you would like to have and the one you need to endure to survive, with ambition and megalomania on one and existential fears on the other shoulder. Everybody tells you to give 100%, but nobody how you are supposed to survive, as long as you can’t make enough money to pay your bills from the 100% wishful thinking. And so you are trying to build something for your future and put all your energy into it, although you still need a lot of it to keep everything around you from falling into pieces, until its strong enough to support itself. You go waitressing during the day so you have money to bake cupcakes at night, even if its tiring as hell and proceeding way too slow and you are starting to lose faith. But when you quit in the restaurant your damn car will break down and you will miss the money to pay for repairing it, because you were stupid enough to quit. Who got the reference of this sentence know exactly, how much we are confronted with these kinda things daily, balancing two worlds without going crazy meanwhile. And then you see people around you outgrow themselves with, as it seems, no effort at all and you ask yourself, why they succeed while you dont. Maybe they did it right, worked hard enough or just had good timing. Or they were born rich, knew the right people, or fucked their way to where they want to be. The second would of course be much more pleasant to think, but whitewashing or making up rumours about the competition never let your flowers grow faster. And so we are back in a garden full of half finished flower beds, although i hate doing garden work and keep running from left to right, towards all the things i think i need to keep my head and my health and my social life intact. But when i come back at night i find my plants dead, as i didnt take care of them or bought something to make them stronger, because i was so busy with myself.