After breakup, anger often takes the shape of self-blame and self-disgust: you’re “not good enough” – you’re “ugly,” “stupid,” “fat,” “old,” “useless, "undeserving." It’s a long way out of that hole you're digging yourself into.

If only you had picked him up at the airport that day; if only you didn't complain about your job so much. Why didn't you go on that camping trip? Why didn’t you tell her you loved her more often? If only you were a different person who did different things in a different way!

The most important message in this post is not necessarily about Robin Williams; it is that you are valued when you feel valueless. You are loved when you feel unloved or unlovable; and if we had the opportunity, each of us would have tried to show Robin Williams this love and value.

The only voice Robin Williams could hear, above all of those that love him, was his own telling him louder and stronger than anyone else’s that he is worthless, that he doesn’t deserve, that he can't be here anymore.

The stages of grief that follow any trauma, breakup included, can happen in a condensed form, over the course of minutes or even seconds, days, months, years, and then switch around without warning, leaving you feeling without foundation, especially in the beginning.

Feeling better is not necessarily about reuniting in a way that’s successful; it’s about the act of opening yourself up to letting go of betrayal and shame you may have experienced as a result of the rupture.

As painful as it is and as awful and backward as it seems, there is a common experience in which a woman sleeps with a man in the hopes that sex will encourage a more consistent relationship, and then is disappointed when it doesn’t work.

Your feelings don’t have to make sense. Allow yourself to experience, respect and move through your feelings, accept that they exist even though they don’t make sense, and you will be less likely to act on them and end up in a painful cycle again.

Hindsight can illuminate how you could have handled something differently. But what gets lost, is context. As you engage in retroactive bargaining with your past, you are doing it with all the knowledge you have now without taking into account what you knew and who you were at the time.

Despite women’s progress in shedding some of the shame attached to their sexuality, there is an over-arching message that many women have received, warning them “not to have sex on the first date or it will ruin your chances for a second date!”

If you can’t believe you’re good enough, how can you believe a loving partner could choose you? Low self-esteem can make you test or sabotage relationships that have potential, or settle for relationships in which you’re treated in a way that matches your beliefs about yourself.

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About Me Before We

Psychotherapy is a very unusual conversation designed to free and enhance your ability to love and work, clarify how you feel about yourself and others. This blog combines my clinical experience as a psychologist with recent research to offer insights about real and lasting relationship change that starts with understanding yourself first.