Two court cases related to marriage equality were heard this week (Proposition 8 and DOMA) and left behind good and bad discussion: discussion that brought people together and discussion that further divided. At least that’s how it has been for me. I have family and friends in Utah where the majority of people are against marriage equality. And I have co-workers and friends here in Maryland where the majority of people are in favor of marriage equality (and if they’re not in favor of marriage equality they are at least willing to share in my happiness). This means my news feed on Facebook has been full of all different types of political discussion, which raised questions for me:

How do you respond to people you disagree with? Do you try to see their point of view? Do you try to get them to see your point of view? Do you try to convince them your point of view is good?

I’d like to believe good people can be convinced to do things by people in authority even when the things they do hurt others. So part of me thinks it’s worth a shot to convince them of my point of view. Something like, “Hey, when your leaders tell you to put money into campaigns like Yes on 8, Protect Marriage, or Preserve Marriage, (or to otherwise speak out against marriage equality) you’re sending the message to me that you think it’s fair Dan and I pay more in taxes (somewhere around $3000 per year) and health care than we would if one of us were female.” But that doesn’t really seem to help.

“The Milgram experiment on obedience to authority figures was a series of social psychology experiments conducted by Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram, which measured the willingness of study participants to obey an authority figure who instructed them to perform acts that conflicted with their personal conscience.” Wikipedia

And then I stop and think, “Hey, maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I need to stop and think about them and their point of view.” Well, I used to be one of them and so I did think like them. What ultimately changed my opinion on the topic of marriage equality was understanding that I could maintain my system of beliefs while others enjoyed legal benefits. This doesn’t seem to help as much as it should though. I can’t do the thinking for them. They’ve got to do the thinking, learning, and stretching outside of their comfort zone, which typically involves going against authority — and that just ain’t gonna happen.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not allow their buildings to be used for political events, does not use their pulpit for political messages, and never uses their member lists of politics. EVER. Unless it’s a moral issue…

And then I remember what happened when I tried to engage people in discussions about Proposition 8 back in 2008: lots of feuds, divisions, he said she saids, and “unfriending”. So maybe I shouldn’t speak up.

And then I remember what happens when people don’t speak up: absolutely nothing. I want something to happen. I don’t want to be held to the standards of others when it comes to the legal rights I should enjoy. I don’t want your religious beliefs to dictate what my employer’s insurance company charges me for health insurance nor how much my government taxes me (to name a few things). And I actually think it’s what you (those who disagree with marriage equality) want too: freedom from the religious beliefs and practices of others and government recognition of the marriage your [insert religious person here] performed.

“A right delayed is a right denied” Martin Luther King, Jr.

And that leads into something I find interesting. A lot of religious people have been saying the solution to the marriage equality problem is for government to step out of marriage. That would essentially place them in the same position I’m in: if the government doesn’t recognize a legal union or contract between two people then the union doesn’t exist, and this means no one can recognize your union (because it doesn’t exist). So… if y’all are really for government stepping out of marriage, I just want to make sure you’re okay with paying more in taxes and health insurance, or not having visitation rights at the hospital. This would look something like you going to the hospital to visit your wife and the hospital saying, “Oh, we don’t recognize [insert religion] marriages. You’ll need to provide legal documentation of your union.” And then you’ll walk away or present a legal document you paid a lawyer $3000 to $4000 to write up for you. Is that really what you want? Or let’s say you want to marry that latina girl you met while serving as a missionary and live in the U.S. You can’t do it if the government won’t recognize your religious union.

And just because it’s a cat that looks almost as handsome as Mishaand he’s in a bag and the bag is an HRC bag…

See the resemblance? Here’s Misha with his pride beads on.

So how do we have this conversation about the things that matter most to us in a way that’s productive?

I stumbled across this video the other day. I don’t agree with it. At all. But I’d like to share it in juxtaposition to another video to illustrate a point. Here’s the first video.

Watching it makes me feel pretty ugly and ashamed. I’m not benefiting society in any way [insert cricket noise]. And I’m also harming society. Well, it’s not me, per se, it’s my relationship. And that’s why society shouldn’t promote or permit my relationship; society should prohibit my relationship. My relationship is similar to pedophilia and incest.

I don’t actually believe that. That’s just what groups like the National Organization for Marriage believe and preach. And if I say I disagree or argue to the contrary, they’ll chew me up and spit me back out and declare “Same-sex marriage advocates need to be more tolerant.”

Same-sex marriage advocates need to be more tolerant. A message from the National Organization for Marriage.

You see, this is an issue of tolerance for opponents of same-sex marriage. But don’t get confused. They don’t have to tolerate anything in opposition to their beliefs. They’re in a position of power. They have privilege. They’re right, so ignore people like me. I’m just the minority. What do I know?

I mean, really. What do I know? It’s just impacts me. And don’t worry. I’m not upset. Even though they say all these crazy things about me, they still love me. It’s that tough love kind of a thing. The type of love that makes you stronger, turns you into a better person. And that’s what makes the next video so awesome. It illustrates where this all breaks down.

History suggests that people with these kinds of views about other people think they’re right and have proper justification for treating people differently. They also don’t think they’re mean or bigoted. They’re just referring people to fact and truth. I mean, at one point it was a fact that all races of people were expressions of different species, white people being the best. All other races were of inferior material so of course we should treat them differently. And of course the law should treat them differently. They act differently. Their behavior is different, and it’s not discrimination to treat behavior different.

Isn’t this discrimination against homosexuals? A message from the National Organization for Marriage.

It’s no different for gay people, right? They’re made of something different. They look different, act different, and even their relationships are different. And those differences mean they shouldn’t have all the same rights and protections under the law. We’re justified in treating the differently…

One of the adults in the video, reflecting on his childhood experience with discrimination over his eye color said, “I felt powerless and hopeless.” One group of kids was saying to the other “I’m better. You don’t deserve all the privileges I have because I’m better. It’s in my blood.” In essence, it’s no different from the message opponents of marriage equality are sending to gay people. They’re saying to us, “I’m better. I get protection under the law. You don’t deserve it.”

But what do I know? Technically speaking, I can divorce Dan and marry a woman.

The law already treats everyone equally. Every citizen can marry someone of the opposite sex. A message from the National Organization for Marriage.

People say that once you go gay you forget about God or even worse, turn into one of his enemies. A lot of people have said that about me, actually. They say things like, “You’re not the same person anymore” or “Why do you hate Mormons so much?” or “Don’t you have anything positive to say about religion?” The truth is, I only think about religion and God when religious people bring it up, and they usually bring it up in the context of me — because I’m gay — being anti. In other words, knowing nothing about what I actually think about religion or God, in their minds, because I’m gay, I must be anti. Even if I don’t say it, I must be trying to say something negative.

And I’ll admit, it makes me incredibly angry sometimes. It’s sort of like one of those self-fulfilling prophesies: the more you accuse me of being anti-God, the more I feel like I want to prove your point.

Maybe this experience will help clarify. When Dan and I moved into our new apartment I was a little weary of whether we’d fit in and whether we’d be safe. I felt this way because of the mega church being built down the road from our apartment complex. Why would I feel that way? Because religion has become, for me, a symbol of anti-gay activism, or hate rather. When untrue things these are said about me/people of my sexual orientation, it usually has something to do with God.

This was driven home recently when I read about a gay man who went undercover at a convention of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM). He shared some pretty unpleasant quotes from the conference, all of which were said in the name of religion. Jokes about gays entering a mosque and never returning, attacks on the stability of same-sex relationships — you get the picture.

The author of the article, like me, gets pretty upset over this rhetoric. Why? Well, here’s what the author had to say:

“I realized that he wasn’t just talking about ‘gay parents’ in the abstract; he was talking about me. Each time Allen accused same-sex couples of sexually abusing their own children, he was questioning my ability to be a good parent one day, too.

“That sensation of feeling personally targeted would stick with me for the rest of the conference.”

But I get it. It’s not really about hating gay people. It’s about loving heterosexual marriage. So when you tear me down you’re just trying to build yourself up. And when you’re accused of hating gay people you just need a good excuse.

Facetious though it may be, there at least five kinds of Mormons: liberal-, genuine-, conservative-, orthodox-, and nazi-Mormons. Which Mormons are the real Mormon? The ones who only take the sacrament with the right hand, only bring bland and colorless Cheerios to church to calm their kids, and object to French kissing within the bounds of any marriage whether legal, lawful, or celestial.

Who are the fake Mormons? The ones who believe it’s okay to march along the side people you love and care about. In short, fake Mormons fall left of moderate (and some even have one foot on one side and the other foot on the other side).

That is, at least, how some view the world of Mormonism: you’re either blue or red, cold or hot, black or white, unworthy or worthy. And to love someone (i.e., to be related to someone) who is anything but red, hot, white, or worthy makes you a not-real Mormon. The following is a real-life example of how this ideology plays out in my life.

I’m gay. I have a partner. I was raised in the LDS Church. Members of my family attend LDS meetings, practice their faith, and worship with other Mormons. They love me. And that creates difficulty for them. This is a gray area: there are few official guidelines on how to act and what to say when someone you love is gay and “acting on it”.

There’s also an unwritten rule within Mormonism that you can’t love someone who is living “the gay lifestyle” because you might inadvertently support or condone their sin. This unwritten rule, quite often, plays out in statements made during church meetings and other places Mormons gather.

“I can’t believe Mormons would march in a gay pride parade and still consider themselves Mormon! That is so awful.”

“It’s one thing to love someone with same-sex attraction but it’s another thing to love someone who is acting on it! And it’s disgusting that Mormons would march in gay pride parades!”

What impact do these statement have on the person with a family member is gay, whom they love independent of anything they are or do? It probably creates a hostile church environment, a place that doesn’t feel safe, and a place that should be avoided. As one LDS blogger who marched in a gay pride parade stated:

“[it’s] the attacks from within that have given me more pause about continuing my membership in this gospel than anything else. Be careful with your words. You might think you are just stating how you believe, but there are times when it is truly hurtful and does not work to bring people closer to Christ, but push them further away.”

Ironically, Mormon children around the world sing I’ll Walk With You while Mormon adults chide other Mormon adults who walked with gays.

If you don’t walk as most people do,
Some people walk away from you,
But I won’t! I won’t!

If you don’t talk as most people do,
Some people talk and laugh at you,
But I won’t! I won’t!

I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.That’s how I’ll show my love for you.

Jesus walked away from none.
He gave his love to ev’ryone.
So I will! I will!

Mormon stand by their message I’ll Walk with You. That’s how I’ll show my love for you. (Photo by JJ, used without permission but I’m sure he’ll forgive me…)

“as I wrote [I’ll Walk with You], I also had in mind the little children who, as they grow up, will find themselves of a sexual orientation sure to present a challenge for them in our church and our society”

What impact do these actions have on Mormons with family members who are gay? And what impact do these actions have on gays and lesbians? One Mormon who marched in Capital Pride recalls that we was accosted as he marched.

“one guy in a dark blue shirt busted through several rows of spectators and ran into the middle of our contingent, giving me and a few others HUGE hugs. With tears in his eyes cried out, ‘Oh my gosh, the Mormons are here!… I’m Mormon! I can’t believe you’re here. THANK YOU, SO MUCH.’ He just kept repeating, “‘ can’t believe it… thank you!’ as he cried softly on my shoulder”

I wrote about my experience at Capital Pride here. It was cool hearing people cheer on the Mormons screaming things like, “MORMONS! We love you!” They got a lot of attention and way more cheers and high-fives than any other group of people.

This movement of Mormons walking with people they love will continue.

Mormons plan to march in gay pride parades across the United States (and in Chile).

You wouldn’t expect that actions seemingly contrary to Mormonism are having a huge, positive impact on many. That’s irony. And you wouldn’t expect well-intended statements made by real Mormons to have such a negative impact. That’s also irony.

A discussion came up in my Facebook news feed recently about a policy within the LDS Church (published in the LDS Church Handbook of Instructions) that basically considers gays as lesbians as threats to children. I’m not surprised. When I was an active member of the LDS Church, I sat in on a meeting designed to teach leaders of the LDS Church how to work with gay and lesbians members. Several leaders raised concerns about protecting children from the gay and lesbian members of their congregations.

In areas authorized by the First Presidency, an annotation may be placed on the record of a member whose conduct has threatened the well-being of other persons or of the Church. An annotation helps the bishop protect Church members and others from such individuals.

When a bishop receives an annotated membership record, he follows the instructions in the annotation. Church headquarters will automatically annotate a person’s membership record in any of the following situations:

1. The stake president or bishop submits a Report of Church Disciplinary Action form showing that the person was disciplined for incest, sexual offense against or serious physical abuse of a child, plural marriage, an elective transsexual operation, repeated homosexual activities (by adults), predatory conduct, or embezzlement of Church funds or property.

2. The stake president or bishop submits written notification that the person has been criminally convicted for one of these transgressions.

3. The stake president and bishop jointly submit written notification that the person has committed one of these transgressions before or after excommunication or name removal.

In addition, the stake president and bishop may jointly recommend that a person’s membership record be annotated for other conduct that threatens the well-being of other persons or of the Church.

In all cases, an annotation on a membership record is removed only with First Presidency approval upon request of the stake president.

I’m not sure the Church Handbook of Instructions is using as strong of language as some think, but I can speak about my experience as an LDS youth. Because of how leaders of my church treated me in interviews (as a threat to children and peers despite zero sexual contact with anyone), I feared I was or could be a threat. I felt as though I was only welcome to participate in church activities so long as the bishop could see my every move. Despite other evidence, I believed what leaders of my church told me about me. Benji Schwimmer recently discussed his reaction to the policy in a recent Mormon Stories podcast.

I echo Jana Riess’ closing statement:

“I read the CHI policy for myself, and was saddened, even disgusted.

“This needs to change. Adult homosexual behavior is not any more inherently predatory toward children than adult heterosexual behavior is. While it’s important that the Church protect children against known child molesters, it’s appalling that homosexuals are placed by default in the category of abusers.”

share:

Like this:

I went to my first gay pride parade in Washington DC, otherwise known as Capital Pride. It wasn’t at all what I expected. I was raised in an LDS community in Utah. People in my community talked as though gay pride parades are pornographic and over-sexualized. Every now and again people from my community posted pictures of pride parades on social media as an apparent means of bragging about how accepting they are while simultaneously mocking the flamboyant. I came to a few important realizations at my first gay pride parade in Washington DC.

As you can imagine, a skewed perspective of pride parades caused me to feel a little nervous. I didn’t want to see genitals, grinding, or any other form of gross. While taking pictures, it dawned on me: gay pride parades are nothing like what I had heard. It was actually an enjoyable experience and genitals, grinding, and other forms of gross are much more prevalent on TV than they were at this parade.

Here’s how I came to this realization. I found myself taking tons and tons of pictures of people dressed flamboyantly. Here are a few examples.

Flamboyant drag queen at Capital Pride in Washington DC

Flamboyant float at Capital Pride in Washington DC

Dorothy and her friends at Capital Pride in Washington DC

Flamboyant cat

That last picture is Misha, if you couldn’t tell. He’s so photogenic!

At some point I realized tons and tons of boring people were also walking in the parade and I had to wait for them to pass before I could take more pictures of people dressed flamboyantly. And that’s when I came to a pivotal realization. Gay pride parades, at least Capital Pride, have way more boring people marching in them than drag queens and drag kings. And I don’t take as many pictures of them because they look like me and dress like the people I encounter every day.

And that’s when I came to the next big realization. One purpose of gay pride parades is to show local communities that gays and lesbians (and all other members of the LGBTQ community) live and work a long side everyone else. “We’re here, we’re queer, get over it” as some might jest. A few of the memorable groups were gay and lesbian military personell, police, fire fighters, and other public service workers. And probably the most touching was the group of returned peace corps volunteers from around the world.

And then I came to the most moving realization about gay pride parades. It gives a chance for family members and friends of LGBTQ individuals to announce their support publicly. Members of PFLAG marched with signs like “I love my gay son” or “My two lesbian sisters rock”. I posted the picture below to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to see who would click like or retweet, which gave me a chance to see who my own allies are. It touched me to see the number of people in my life who love and support me.

Share if someone you love is gay

The absolute most moving group was Mormons for Marriage Equality. By the time they had marched through, the crowd around us had died down. When the Mormons came through, people began to scream and cheer. The two guys holding the banner were smiling and giving out as many high fives as they could. People in the crowd pushed and shoved for their turn at high-fiving a Mormon who supported and loved them. And I was able to introduce Dan to an old mission friend marching under a banner of love and equality. I’ll admit. It’s hard not to feel slighted by all Mormons after everything that went down with Prop. 8 in California and everything Mormons are currently doing in Maryland to deny Dan and me our rights to equal protection under the law. My mission friend and I embraced and he continued marching. The crowd continued cheering. It gives me hope that things are getting better.

To all those who assume gay pride parades are about genitals, grinding, and other things that are gross, I hope you’ll think again. Gay pride parades are actually pretty boring. If I didn’t convince you gay pride parades aren’t what think, I hope you’ll at least let me gloat about how awesome the experience was for me. Never in my life have I felt so comfortable in my own skin and never have I seen so many people who love and support me. To the Mormons for Marriage Equality who marched in the Capital Pride parade, thank you! You gave me hope that it will get better.

What does this mean for Mormons? Mormons who support same-sex marriage and Mormons with family and friends in same-sex relationships probably don’t have friends and allies in their congregations. Or do they? I appreciated a discussion on this blog on the topic. I’ll preface my thoughts with the fact that I found this blog through a friend who knows the author, and the author doesn’t know that our common friend is gay. She is probably unaware of the (positive) impact this post had on our common friend.

To summarize, the author hesitantly came out as an ally and supporter of marriage equality. For those who aren’t familiar with LDS culture, coming out as a supporter of marriage equality might warrant being tossed into the lion’s den (so to speak). You are automatically a heretic despite any other belief you might hold. For example, here are responses from the comment section from fellow (Christ-like) Mormons:

“Grow up, get off your computer and raise your kids. You’re about as Mormon as Roseanne Barr.”

“Get a grip and stop mixing what you feel with what is Godly or not. That is your opinion, not Christ principles.”

“I read you are LDS. Is this a fact? Are you active?” [That is to say, do you go to church every Sunday]

“[Do you] really have a true testimony of these prophets and apostles[?]” [That is to say, are you really a Mormon like me]

“Mormons are viewing the gay marriage issue as some sort of gateway drug to apostasy”

The interesting thing about these comments to me is that typically what leads people away from participation in church activities is lack of acceptance of those who differ on political issues. So, the people who made these comments are, is some sense, pushing people into inactivity and apostasy. But that’s a different discussion. I’ll continue with the current discussion.

The cool part of this discussion for me was seeing people come out of the woodwork. People in the same congregation as the author, family members, and friends. In a sense, the author gave them permission to speak up and agree.

“I whole heartedly agree and I am in your ward!”

“I am also in your ward. AND feel EXACTLY like Lexi”

“I know if I were to tell my family and friends that I agree with you, it would cause an uproar”

“I agree…well done, Lexi. It is so much easier for us to keep quiet with our unpopular opinions to avoid others disfavor…but you stepped out there. I’m proud of you!”

“I agree with every single word you said here. I bet you will have more and more people find the courage to speak out and agree with you now that you wrote this. You are paving the way for so many.”

What does this mean for the Church? More and more Mormons are questioning The Brethren and their own faith as they try to align their political and religious beliefs. And it seems that the more the Church pushes against marriage equality the more Mormons leave the faith. And it’s not about testimony or lack of faith; it’s about finding a home among Mormons who don’t accept you because you don’t vote like them.