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About sex

Wants and needs

Feeling horny, and wanting and needing sex, varies from person to person but several factors are usually in play: we’re hard wired to have sex, it feels good, and we have positive memories from past sexual experiences which often inform our sexual future. For example, if you’ve had great sex with a guy with a particular build, body scent, hair cut, uniform or clothing style, it can be surprising how often we will make a bee-line for that ‘type’ of man again.

Throughout our sexual lifetime we accumulate a fantastic library of memories and triggers that guide us to new and (hopefully) satisfying experiences – even if it’s a different man, in a different place, months or years later. Conversely, we should bear in mind some men can become understandably nervous if they recognise something from a negative sexual experience – they don’t want to go there again and the associated memory is warning them accordingly.

While the MEN R US team don’t have a monopoly on why we have sex, here are some reasons we came up with over tea and biccies.

“I was horny.”“It felt good.”“I was stressed.”“It was fun.”“I wanted pleasure.”“I was lonely.”“I wanted to experiment.”“I wanted to feel good about myself.”“I just wanted to cum.”“I felt obliged.”“It was just one of those things.”“I wanted adventure and excitement.”“He really wanted me.”“It paid well.”“I couldn’t help myself.”“I really wanted him.”“Revenge.”“His [insert here] really turned me on.”“I wanted to show affection and express my love.”“Jealousy.”“I desired intimacy and emotional closeness.”“I’ll never get an opportunity like this again.”“It’s been ages.”“I realised I was in love.”“Reputation.”“Peer pressure.”“I don’t remember.”

Whatever the reasons (and we’re hoping they’re ‘good’ ones) spare a thought for whether you are ready emotionally and physically. For example, some men are ready and willing to be intimate with other men while others can be physically intimate without making or experiencing emotional connections. Others, again, prefer a level of emotional bonding before having sex. More of this later.

Sex and consent

Sex and consent

Connection

Great sex should be about connection, intimacy, affirmation, and fun, as much as it is about being safer. However, some of the choices we make during sex – and chemsex – can have serious consequences, causing lasting harm. Sexual consent is about having the ability and freedom to agree to sexual activity. This is something that must be clearly established between two (or more) people before any kind of sexual act or behaviour, and you can change your mind at any time.

Words we may not fully understand

Words like ‘consent’, ‘sexual assault’ and ‘rape’ may be new in that it has only been recently that they are being talked about more openly particularly in relation to gay men. Holding up a mirror to our sex lives can be difficult for many reasons; and for many gay men, it’s hard to believe that we may be the victim of sexual assault or rape. Or that we may be committing a crime ourselves.

Sex without consent

Sex without consent is a crime. Talking about this stuff is not easy, particularly when we’re high and horny. If something has happened to you, you may not even have found the words yet.

Whether it’s a feeling … sense … or hazy memory: talk to a friend, go to a sexual health clinic, or phone a helpline.

This directory has been created with the aim of making it easier to find services that are local to your area. All organisations that work only with people who identify as male are categorised under ‘UK Male Specific Service’; those organistions that are gender inclusive and have an equitable service for those who identify as male, are categorised under ‘Male Inclusive Services’; and those services that outside the UK that work with those that identify as male, are categorised under ‘International Male Specific Services’.

The Havens

The Havens can help you if you have been sexually assaulted or had non-consensual sex in the past 12 months. You can call them 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for an initial assessment. When they need to see you urgently, such as for a forensic medical examination (FME), they aim to see you within 90 minutes.

They also offer follow-up care, including counselling, tests and treatments. Its medical and emotional support services are confidential. That means it will not tell anyone you have contacted or come to see them unless you want them to. And you can use any of their services without involving the police. The Havens has 3 centres in London:

Marco, Eli and Nigel

To illustrate some sex and consent issues we have created some scenarios, a springboard for further thought and conversation.

Marco

Marco does not touch, rub up or grab men in any way (or expects this from other men) before verbal consent has been given explicitly.

Marco’s not had sex for weeks and he’s very horny. He’s had a few drinks and looking to hook up. A guy he’s cruised before walks past and touches is arse . How might Marco respond?

Marco has had sex with Alan several times over several months. The sex is good and it’s what they both want. One morning Alan gets hard and moves to fuck Marco who is half asleep. How consential is this?

Eli

Eli has a ‘sliding scale’ on what he thinks is acceptable behaviour when cruising and meeting men.

Eli is dancing with friends when a guy joins them. Eli likes him. Leaning in to ask Eli if he would like a drink, the guy runs a hand down Eli’s back. How might they both think and feel?

Later, Eli goes to a sauna and is being cruised by a guy. Eli grabs the guy’s crotch, leading him into a corner for sex. The guy pulls away and leaves. How might they both think and feel?

Nigel

Grateful for all the attention he can get, Nigel has a laissez-faire (free-and-easy) approach to touching or grabbing other men, anytime, anywhere.

A guy locks Nigel’s arms back as they have sex in a night club toilet. It’s a turn on. Later on, the same guy grabs Nigel’s bruised arm wanting more. Nigel winces. What might Nigel think and feel?

After taking too many drugs, Nigel wakes up naked on a sofa to find he’s got a very sore anus but doesn’t remember what happened. Has Nigel ‘got what he deserves’?

In the bonfire that has been sexual assault allegations over the past few weeks, a lot of chatter has kept the fire burning and, as gay men, what we don’t talk about is that Kevin Spacey and George Takei are part of a much larger issue: The gay community has made sexual assault an appealing and casual art form. Gay culture doesn’t just tolerate sexual assaults, it encourages them, particularly in gay bars; it’s a pervasive problem that we need to take responsibility for. Many of us have been there. We’re all too familiar with the caressing touch of a strange hand on our butts in the club and, personally, I’ve become accustomed to the unwanted crotch grabs from men I barely know, if at all.

Sexual assault affects every community, but the gay community has had particular difficulty confronting it because its victims can also be perpetrators. Sexuality and sexual expression are huge parts of gay culture and many of the spaces gay men create for themselves are hypersexualized. Advertisements for gay nightlife or events frequently feature hot dudes in states of undress and, in the clubs, muscle-clad gogo boys dance on the bar for our entertainment. If there isn’t a chance we might get laid, you can almost guarantee many of us won’t be going. However, these spaces do and should represent more than just lust and sex. They are sanctuaries of our culture. In the heterosexual-dominated spaces of the outside world, we might be subjected to bigotry for expressing our sexuality. Gay bars and gay venues offer a safe environment to celebrate our sexuality, free of judgment. Yet as we’ve built fences to protect us from the hatred of the outside world, we’ve forgotten the need to protect the people inside of it as well.

Feeling horny

Testosterone

While our desire to have sex is built into our DNA, we must thank testosterone for delivering the goods.

Testosterone is a hormone important for sexual and reproductive development and belongs to a group of male hormones called androgens, which are sometimes called steroids or anabolic steroids. In men, testosterone is produced mainly in the balls (testes) with a small amount made in the adrenal glands.

The brain’s hypothalamus (almond size) and pituitary gland (pea size) control testosterone production. Through chemicals and hormones in the bloodstream, the hypothalamus tells the pituitary gland how much testosterone to produce, and the pituitary gland passes the message on to our balls.

For much of our lives we produce minute quantities of this little miracle-worker which is vital to our bone density, muscle strength and mass, fat distribution, facial and body hair, red blood cell production, sex drive and sperm production.

Testosterone levels generally peak during adolescence and early adulthood after which your testosterone level gradually drops off, around 1% a year from your 30s-40s. This is usual but should not be confused with hypogonadism, a disease in which we are unable to produce normal amounts of testosterone. Testosterone replacement therapy can improve the signs and symptoms of low testosterone and you should see you GP if you have concerns.

Body scent, odour and pheromones

Each day, the body gets rid of 2-3 litres of water through two million sweat glands and so it’s not surprising that body scents and odours occur naturally. Our natural body scent – often a musky smell on the skin – is an individual fingerprint of who we are. In moderation, it’s generally regarded as pleasant and we respond and get turned on by the right scent in others.

Body odour is when sweat turns stale – a reaction between fats and proteins in the sweat and bacteria that live on the surface of the skin. Having said that, some men prefer a strong ripe body odour to a less aggressive body scent.

Pheromones are substances released in minute quantities by humans and other animals, to affect behaviour in others of the same species. In humans this seems to be centred around attracting a mate. As to whether gay men can simply differentiate between male and female pheromones or have to re-learn how to recognise male pheromones (once the attraction to other men has been established) is uncertain. However, many of us can smell for ourselves the difference between our day-to-day body scent and what kicks in when we’re horny, picking up, and having sex.

Fetishes

With few exceptions, we all know of something which turns us on and excites us, but which is not necessarily sexual in itself. It may be an object, a texture, a shape, or part of the body for example. We may be private about it or we may be quite open. The word to describe this is a fetish or fetishism.

There are many misconceptions about fetishism with people often conjuring up men in masks, guys being spanked, lavish piercings, or rubber and latex clothing. However, these are parts of much larger, diverse and inclusive scenes – gay, straight, and mixed.

The word fetish originates from the 17th century and means something which is believed to possess, contain, or cause spiritual or magical powers like an amulet or a talisman. Things have moved on, although we think fetishes have had a bit of a bad rap and are often misunderstood. Society continues to send out messages that fetishes are out of the ordinary, wrong, even perverted – but that’s never bothered gay men before. While we don’t have exclusivity, we have used fetishism successfully to re-define traditional aspects of masculinity. Just think of them as additional opportunities for expression, and/ or sexual pleasure.

However, fetishes can also encompass sex itself – guys who are turned on in a major way (sometimes exclusively) by a particular practice – sucking cock, nipple play or fisting, for example. While this may seem to restrict their sexual repertoire, it’s a personal choice which they have made to acknowledge and use to their advantage, and if they’re getting the pleasure they desire – then that’s their business.

Fetishes can extend to dress codes such as military or skinhead uniforms, rubber, leather and plastic clothing. Clubs cater for an increasing range of fetishes such as big guys, sports and gym wear, rubber and S/ M, with strict dress codes to attract aficionados rather than a generic crowd. This can be disappointing because you don’t have to belong to any type of dress code to enjoy fetishes! Some men wear the gear just because it’s comfortable, makes them look good, and because dressing a certain way will get them into clubs where they are more likely to meet the guys they find attractive.

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell a partner about a fetish – there’s always a possibility that they might laugh, find it absurd, be turned off or refuse to participate. Given that we all have something, the reticence is understandable but absurd. It’s a little like ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’… but no one’s prepared to make the first move.

While some guys will share fetishes, it’s more usual that one guy will have a particular fetish while the other is relatively neutral. That’s not to say that the neutral party can’t be swayed or intrigued, but it’s a considerate guy who is prepared to indulge his partner. If he’s happier, then you’re happier and you both get something out of it. Besides, who knows what might happen? The important thing is not to over-analyse it, spare yourself unnecessary guilt and be true to yourself.

Denial can only cause frustration and disappointment, although coming to terms and accepting what really gives us a buzz can be difficult, particularly if there’s a loaded moral perception that it’s unnatural or not normal.

Erogenous zones

Erogenous zones

Erogenous zones are areas or parts of the body that have heightened sensitivity when stimulated, usually generating a sexual response.

The word erogenous comes from the Greek ‘eros’ which means ‘love’ and the English ‘genous’ meaning ‘producing’.

We love them and they play a big part in turning us on sexually and making us feel horny – or making us feel horny and turning us on! Erogenous zones include

the ears

the head (scalp)

the neck (and spine)

the lips

the nipples

the armpits

the inner thighs

the pubic hairline from tummy to cock

the cock (penis) and balls/ ball sack (scrotum)

the perineum (between the arse hole and balls)

the arse hole

the soles of our feet (and toes).

Higher concentrations of nerve endings are located in many of these places and …

stroking

rubbing

licking

kissing

kneading

pinching (lightly)

caressing

massaging

nibbling

biting (gently)

can heighten our sense of sight, touch, hearing and smell. Feel good endorphins are also released into the body and we become more aware of our surroundings.

Listen and learn

Everyone’s a little different, and parts of the body which we might not ordinarily consider sexy can also become sensitive and highly charged. Knowing whether you or he has hit the spot is usually not difficult: just listen for those sighs, grunts, groans and whimpers.

Don’t make assumptions

Packed full of nerve endings a guy’s cock and balls are usually his main pleasure zones but it’s easy to make assumptions and think it’s the only place to go first. For example, there are guys who will get equal pleasure from their ears and nipples being stimulated and will cum and orgasm without the cock being touched. Find his spot and he’ll be back for more!

Sexual positions

Top and bottom

‘Top and bottom’, ‘active and passive’ or ‘pitcher and catcher’ (US) describe a guy’s preference to fuck (penetrate) or be fucked (be penetrated) during anal sex. Some guys are versatile, meaning they enjoy both fucking and being fucked. Importantly though, some dislike these labels and prefer to go with the flow.

What you prefer is usually determined by the pleasure you have learnt through experiment and practice. We suggest you keep an open mind and go into sex without a pre-determined idea of what should happen, and then you will likely fall into your natural preference… which may also change over time.

Some men think that in order to be a top you have to masculine and manly while others think a bottom has to be passive or effeminate. This is bollocks. There are so-called masculine looking guys that roll over as soon as you wave your dick in their direction, and so-called passive looking guys that will fuck you into the floor. Fantastic! Just be the man you want to be, with the man you want to be with, ensuring the sex you have is safer, sane and consensual.

Bottom shaming

Bottom shaming

Bottom shaming is the negative, belittling and disapproving comments gay men make about men who are the passive or receiving partner during penetrative sex (getting fucked).

Simply talking about bottom shaming involves using some of the culprit terms such as ‘top and bottom’, ‘active and passive’, and ‘giving and receiving’. Whichever which way you order them, they suggest a hierarchy or pecking order – that top (active) is ‘better’ or preferable to bottom (passive).

Bottom shaming crops up in conversation, jokes, gossip, and passing remarks, or sometimes it can be more intentional and accusing:

How often have we heard about a bottom getting a ‘good fucking’ with the implication that he deserves it, however sexy this is meant to sound?

What about the ‘passive slut’ that will give you HIV or, better still, when was the last time you heard about the ‘slutty top’ passing it on?

Why are we (still) asked by our straight counterparts who the man or woman in sex, or in a relationship?

And who can forget such cringing classics as ‘ring snatcher’, ‘pillow biter’ and ‘butt bitch.’

We label each other, and society labels us, with narrow views of how we should be, behave, and be to each other. Many of these labels are embedded in gay culture, and in the ways we communicate and relate to each other sexually, so unpicking this stuff is both hard and challenging, but necessary.

Overwhelmingly, we associate and compare sexual positions and roles with masculinity and strength, femininity and weakness, and risk. Furthermore, for the overwhelming majority, ‘taking it up the arse’ is a position of weakness, and a trait exclusive to bottoms.

Without oversimplifying, guys who prefer to fuck need an erection, lube, point and shoot. Guys who prefer to bottom usually have to make sure they’re clean (douched, a task in itself), may moderate what they eat before sex, and have the angst that they don’t shit the bed or spoil the moment with a poo alert. In fact, bottoming is a skill set, an entire process, often underrated.

That’s not to say there are not considerate and thoughtful tops but from a bottom’s perspective it can be a very mixed bag. Similarly, perhaps tops think this of bottoms? Tops will say that it’s more work, physically and emotionally especially if it’s longer extended session. There’s also the need for a connection which can be frustrating if your partner appears bored, or has little inclination to ‘join in’.

Bottom line (no pun intended): tops and bottoms are partners, a team, two halves becoming one, though relatively ineffectual without the other. Whether you are a top or a bottom or versatile: we should respect, appreciate and listen to our partners and this should extend to the language we use outside the bedroom.

“If we can’t talk about it honestly, without defensiveness or scorn, then how do we get to the point where we’re able to have those all too necessary straightforward conversations about sex? If we feel shame about the sex we like, what impact does that have on our ability to be open and honest about what we do and don’t like doing and what we have and haven’t done? If we denigrate, or allow others to denigrate, gay men for enjoying something that they are biologically developed to gain pleasure from, we’re contributing to a cycle which results in people having less confidence, and less ability to negotiate the sex that is right, and safe enough, for them.” [Matthew Hodson, GMFA FS 154 | 6 Jun 2016]

Guessing

And just in case you’re wondering, you cannot determine a guy’s sexual preference or position by their appearance, the way they walk, their clothes or shoes, or the way they speak. “The campest most feminine guys can be the most aggressive tops and the muscliest straight acting dudes can be the most aggressive bottoms” [Stephan].

Pitcher and catcher

On a related note, we quite like the words ‘pitcher, and ‘catcher’ which are baseball terms: the pitcher who throws the ball to person with the bat while the catcher aims to catch the ball if the batter doesn’t hit it. Both are integral to the game which cannot function without them and to our way of thinking there’s greater parity (equality) looking at fucking or making lurve this way than using the words ‘top and bottom’.

Hugs and cuddles

Hugs and cuddles before and after sex can be important in setting the mood, relaxing and becoming familiar in each other’s company, and enjoying the moment afterwards… although some guys do prefer to ‘cum and go’, particularly if it’s a hook-up. There’s nothing necessarily ‘wrong’ with this, but if you are looking for something more and he’s closing the door behind himself then you may be left disappointed.

Much of this section is duplicated under MEN where the context for hugs and cuddles is something best enjoyed and appreciated, without ulterior motives or hidden agendas, between mates and friends. Hugs (especially big hugs) and cuddles are two of the most natural ways to express our friendship, and show closeness and affection. Cuddling, particularly, can also lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduce fear and anxiety, and reduce stress. What’s not to like!

Be mindful that cuddling can be or interpreted as an exploratory step between ‘friends’, or a prelude to sex (though cuddling can be a big turn off if sex is always the end game). We can also get carried away, particularly if we misread signals.

Sometimes we just like to be held by another guy, or to hold a guy. It’s an instant mood boost, can dispense with words, and help us feel better about each other and ourselves. After sex, cuddles should not be underestimated though be aware that some guys – while happy to have sex – find this sort of ‘quiet’ intimacy very difficult, even stressful, seeing it as vulnerability or weakness. This is one reason why guys can ‘cum and go’.

So, make your intentions clear such as a touch on the arm rather than a hand on his crotch, or a gentle rub on his shoulder rather than finger tips snaking down to his arse crack. If you’re all loved up with a new guy in your life, lots of cuddles add an important dimension to your relationship, helping develop feelings of intimacy, confidence and trust.

Kissing

For many of us, kissing another man is a powerful expression of our sexuality and identity. A kiss can signal a beginning or an end, a need or a desire. It can persuade, reassure, tantalise or hurl us into a pit of uncertainty as we wait impatiently for the little bugger to call.

While our kissing technique is as individual as we are, most of us learn directly from others. We can kiss someone virtually anywhere, although the mouth is the most common place and the most complex to interpret. For example, does a gentle kiss on the lips say ‘I want to… but I’m shy’ or ‘this is as far as I want to go’ or does an aggressive kiss mean ‘I’m so fucking horny’ or ‘I’m taking control.’

While different types of kissing usually indicate levels of intimacy, a gentle kiss at the right moment can be as effective as an aggressive open-mouthed kiss with tongues and tonsils. We’re invariably communicating what we feel at that moment, as well as what we want next.

Kissing is accompanied by other signals, and as we grow more experienced we learn (most of the time) to understand what one kiss means in relation to another and what our intentions are when we kiss someone else. Like a longitude and latitude, that first kiss – whether you are in a back room, the bedroom or on a first date – provides a direction in which you can both go, at least in the first instance. Lips and tongues are extremely sensitive so, when you kiss, remember to receive, absorb and enjoy his attention.

A long, mutual, deep kiss can often develop a satisfying rhythm of its own and if you feel you are inexperienced or could improve your technique, follow someone else’s lead. However, there are men who don’t like to kiss. It might betray an existing relationship or face them with the reality that they might be gay. Alternatively, they could have appalling bad breath and are just being considerate. You may never know.

Massage

Massage is a powerful relaxation technique which involves rubbing, stroking and kneading the body, particularly muscle areas which accumulate tension. For example, head massages can relieve tension headaches and a foot massage can make your feet feel wonderful.

While qualified masseurs will maintain (quite rightly) that it is a skill in its own right, massage can also be a big turn-on and a sensual prelude to sex. In our desire to get our rocks off, we can sometimes forget the intimate pleasure gained from getting to know someone’s body without fucking them rigid… well at least not immediately. And so, given its benefits to de-stress, relax and produce a positive feeling of well being, it’s not surprising that massage is often used to set the mood.

Buy massage oil from chemists, beauty and health shops. Experiment with different scented oils. Bear in mind that once massaged you will pong (lovely though this may be). Oils damage condoms. If you intend to use them later all traces of massage oil should be removed. However, massage is not recommended if you have a skin condition, thrombosis (varicose veins) or Karposi’s Sarcoma (though rare today) which can be aggravated by massage.

Keep some towels to hand

Oils can be difficult to wash from sheets and clothing, and in some cases can stain

Unplug the phone, turn off mobiles and the TV

Relaxing music will often complement the massage

Be sure the room is comfortably warm

Dim the lights or perhaps use candles

Above all don’t rush, take time (if you’re that horny just fuck him)

Don’t talk unless it’s necessary, but do listen to your partner

He can be naked (towel over the groin) or just take his top off – a totally naked dude can be prematurely distracting

Making sure your partner is comfortable, place him (in the first instance) on his front

Place a teaspoonful of oil into the palm of one hand and warm it up by rubbing your hands together

Where you massage is up to you but think about the scalp, head, neck, shoulders, back (remembering the sides which can be ticklish), small of the back, thighs, ankles feet and toes… in fact anywhere. But, if you’re after maximum stimulation don’t forget the nipples, ears (lobes), the soles of his feet, and the cheeks and crack of his arse (without losing your hand)

With firm circular stroking movements – developing a smooth and constant rhythm – knead and rub the skin, moulding your hands into the contours of the body. Use different parts of your hands as you massage. Your technique should be purposeful but reassuring

Use your thumbs and fingertips to apply deep pressure and relax tense muscles, eg: in the shoulders and neck. You should be able to increase the pressure slightly over larger areas, eg: the back and legs, but don’t push or leave your partner out of breath. If an area proves ticklish increase the pressure or move to a different area

One hand should be in contact with the body at all times using your other hand if you need more oil

Frottage

Simply put, frottage is when you rub yourself sexually against another guy to the point of cumming or orgasm (though it’s not necessarily specific to men with men). It’s non-penetrative sex which can happen naked or clothed, also known as dry humping, dry sex, and bumping and grinding.

However, frottage is also the technique or process of taking a rubbing from an uneven surface to form the basis of a work of art, including brass rubbing. So if your Nan says she was enjoying some frottage at her local WI … tread very carefully before asking a question.

Most men have experienced frottage but may not realise that its part of what we do when we have sex … many of us being fixated with sucking, fucking and fisting. So, it’s easy to forget that, for some, frottage it’s a complete and satisfying sexual activity in its own right.

Some enjoy frottage because it offers more intimacy and that they can better connect on an emotional level. Coupled with foreplay, frottage can enhance orgasms. Frottage uses just about every part of the body including the arse cheeks (buttocks), the chest, abdomen, thighs, feet, hands, legs, and sexual organs. Massage oil can be added to provide a smoother glide between bodies, as they rub together, which can be a huge turn-on.

Frottage also gained popularity, particularly during the height of the HIV/ AIDS epidemic as it is a very low-risk sexual activity regarding HIV. However, you could pick up crabs or scabies, if you’re unlucky, and/ or it’s possible to catch warts, herpes or syphilis from skin to skin contact.

Wanking

Masturbation, jacking off, beating off, jerking off – whatever you want to call it, wanking crosses cultures and continents and is probably the most practised sexual activity in the world. Past centuries have described it as depraved, undesirable, heinous, frightful, unclean and abominable… which all seem like pretty good reasons to get into it. Today, it is accepted as a natural, healthy activity – and don’t we know it! Of course it has its critics, but they’re probably still doing it while flicking through Crochet Monthly.

Most of us start wanking in our teens, sometimes earlier, learning from friends or books as we discover the sensations of rubbing and playing with ourselves, or being touched for the first time by a mate. Some guys see wanking as inferior to ‘real’ sex, but they have a lot to learn. Whether alone or with a partner wanking allows you to create and exercise your own fantasies. You have total control whether it’s planned, impulsive, stress-relieving, or you do it just because you’re horny. Best of all, you can do it as much as you like. Your body will tell you when it’s had enough for the time being – your dick will be sore or you won’t be able to get a hard-on, or your balls will ache.

There’s no proper way. We all learn and develop our own style and it can be fab watching someone else. Techniques vary from tugging, pulling, massaging up and down, rolling between your hands, lying on your back, standing up, on your front, on your knees or on the toilet. Some guys may use lubricant or spit to help improve technique, movement and sensitivity. While some of us prefer to use a particular hand, others are equally adept with both.

Some guys can only jack themselves off. It addition to giving loads of pleasure, wanking can also familiarise yourself with your body, develop your sexual techniques, better manage your ability to cum or to hold off and practise using condoms. If you feel guilty about wanking, remember that this is usually the result of negative, moralistic prejudice which demonises a natural and healthy activity. Ignore all that – and just do it!

Docking

Docking involves two men, at least one of which must have a foreskin (be uncircumcised). The men face each other with the tips of their cocks touching. One guy rolls back his foreskin to show the cock head (glans). The other guy rolls his foreskin over the cock head of his partner. A variation of wanking then begins with the foreskin (or foreskins) rolling back and forth over each cock, or with cocks thrusting against each other inside the foreskin. For men with very large foreskins the aim can be to cover as much of the other man’s cock as possible.

Some argue edging is simply a matter of not cumming, but it is more involved. You are maintaining a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period, bringing yourself to the point of cumming then stopping, then starting over again. Edging appeals because it allows you to stay in a heightened state of sexual arousal and, with practice, orgasms can be more powerful and intense.

You may complete this cycle several times before you eventually cum, or not. However, as wanking is so goal orientated for that burst of cum, it can take patience and practice to develop techniques and discipline to ride the edge and not shoot your load.

Increasing your sexual repertoire

Increasingly, guys include this in their sexual repertoire, though edging is nothing new. Contrary to popular belief, sex is not always about the climax, and cumming and edging can enhance a more intimate, intense, erotic, sexual experience for you and a partner.

What to do

If you don’t have someone to help (or control) you, you can practice edging on your own by wanking. It also makes sense you’re not interrupted (unless that’s what you want), and you have sufficient time practice and play.

Wank until you feel like you might cum then stop for a short period but not for so long that start checking your app messages! Do this a few times and see how it makes you feel … not just your cock and balls … but your whole body.

The more you practice, you might find the longer you can go on edging, and the more explosive the eventual cumming can be. You can also try the ‘squeeze’ method which involves getting close to the edge … then stopping … squeezing the tip of your dick for about 30 seconds. Then start again.

Getting to know your body and cumming too quickly

Getting to know and appreciate how your dick (and body) responds to sensations, pressure, and rhythm can be helpful not just for edging, but for sex generally. If you tend to cum too quickly edging can help you lengthen the time between getting horny and cumming. You can practice by yourself or practice with a partner which can also enhance intimacy.

Don’t be tedious

Partners should also be willing to compromise. One partner may want to edge for a long time, which can become tedious for the other partner. Knowing each other’s expectations can make edging more satisfying for both.

Tops and bottoms

For tops, edging a partner can increase their sensations of power and control though the reverse can be true; a top who wants to test the control they have over their orgasms might practice edging. For bottoms, edging can increase feelings of submissiveness, surrender and consensual objectification.

Edging and BDSM (S&M)

Some guys regard it a form of sexual ‘torture’ which is why it can be found under BDSM practices, but you don’t need to be into BDSM to enjoy it. Edging can add an element of psychological or physical control to the practice of delaying or outright denying themselves or their partners an orgasm. For tops, edging a partner can increase their sensations of power and control—but it also works in reverse. A top who wants to test the control they have over their own body and desire might practice edging. For bottoms, edging can increase feelings of submissiveness, consensual objectification, and surrender.

Noise

For many of us, noise is an essential part of having sex. Grunts and groans are all part of a primal language which communicates effort, pleasure, enjoyment, fun, connection, and much more. There are guys who shout out unashamedly while others don’t let out so much as a squeak, making us ask questions like “Have you cum yet?”

There are some who seem to love sex but are also a little bit embarrassed. You say things like ‘Shusssh!’, ‘Keep quiet!’ or use pillows to stifle muffled cries as you prepare to cum. There’s talking dirty which can either electrify the moment or kill it in its tracks. And there are those who have no idea whether or not they should be making sounds, or which sounds to make, but this is usually more about experience, practice and finding your voice.

There are also the fakers who make the necessary grunts and groans to 1) acknowledge that the partner is actually in the same room, 2) suggest they might be enjoying themselves and 3) getting in/ out as quickly as possible. You know who you are.

Cock sucking

There can’t be many gay men who haven’t sucked a guy off or been sucked off. Also known as a blow job, giving head, and oral sex, cock sucking is as common as it is versatile and can be done virtually anywhere and in any position. While it can be a prelude to fucking, it’s also immensely satisfying in its own right. If you’re short of time and fancy a ‘quickie you don’t have to get undressed, which is why it is often the preferred choice for sex in cruising areas and back rooms. Cock sucking should be a pleasure and not a chore and if you don’t enjoy it (either way) then it’s something guys notice quite quickly.

Guys being sucked will usually send out signals to what feels best: grunts, groans, sighs… and verbal instructions if he’s pushy.

It may not always be possible to take a whole cock without gagging, a perfectly natural reflex to rid yourself of something ‘stuck’ in your throat. Eventually your body learns that in this particular instance this is an exception.

An erect dick stands about 45° upwards and the angle between your mouth and throat is about the same. This is one reason why it can be difficult to take a dick in your mouth particularly if you’re on your knees in front of the guys. If circumstances allow (if you’re in bed for example) turn yourself around so that the dick offers less resistance in the mouth and throat.

Cock sucking uses muscles that don’t get much other use: with practice you’ll last longer. If you get tired, take a break (have a Kit-Kat) and suck his balls instead.

Your tongue can also stimulate the shaft and the head of the cock although some guys can find this overly sensitive.

His dick is not a snack: ensure that you don’t use your teeth. The cock is tender and can be scratched and cut by teeth, braces, and sharp fillings. If you’re wearing dentures, make sure they are fixed.

Putting a thumb and forefinger around his dick will give you some control over how much you suck at any one time. Some guys will just want to fuck your mouth and this can be uncomfortable, particularly if they put their hands around your head and pull you (repeatedly) on to the dick. If you’re not ready or if it’s not what you want, this can be a real turn off as his dick plays jack-hammer.

Knowing if your partner wants to cum in your mouth can be difficult to assess but if you hear pre-cum moans or something along the lines ‘…I’m gonna cum baby, take my load’, you can take it as read. Such a warning allows you to disengage – but get out of the way, or he may cum over your face or in your eyes, which will sting.

And finally, some guys also like having their arsehole played with while they’re given a blow job.

Tea bagging

From what we can ascertain ‘tea-bagging’ is an expression from the USA, and means taking the balls into the mouth and sucking, nibbling and licking. It’s only getting a footnote here as we Brits believe this falls under cock sucking and is part of oral sex. If anyone differs on this learned point, please let us know.

It can be very horny in its own right, great foreplay, and safe. If his ball sack is large, or your mouth is small, consider taking one ball in your mouth at a time if you want to get your tongue around it. And if the sack is hairy be mindful of stray hairs!

It’s fair to say that the question of HIV transmission through cock sucking has given HIV prevention workers more headaches than any other sexual activity. While the risk is generally described as ‘low’ or ‘very low’, transmission has occurred. More recently, experts are now saying that there is an increased risk of HIV transmission from oral sex, particularly if gonorrhoea is also present. Quite understandably, two of the most frequent questions asked are: is there a risk and how risky is it?

Let’s go back to basics: for HIV transmission to occur, the virus has to be present and it has to get into the bloodstream. Your mouth is lined with a membrane which is usually waterproof and protects us in very much the same way that skin does on other parts of our body. However, we all get cuts and nicks in our mouth and there are times when we have sores, ulcers and bleeding gums, particularly after we’ve brushed our teeth. If HIV is present in cum or pre-cum, it poses a risk of infection.

So the answer to the first question is yes, there is a risk. HIV transmission from oral sex is much less frequent than from unprotected fucking, but it’s impossible to know exactly how much lower. Factors to consider include how much of the virus is present, its strength and the presence of cuts, sores, or abrasions in the mouth and throat. These are impossible to measure unless, by chance, you have a laboratory in the bedroom which is why sexual health advice on cock sucking is based on reducing the risk involved.

The following guidelines reduce the risk of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections such as gonorrhoea and hepatitis.

Clean and floss your teeth regularly and properly – but not directly before sex. Brushing your teeth just beforehand increase the likelihood of bleeding gums or cuts.

Bigger dicks are more likely to graze the membrane lining your mouth and throat.

If you have a sore mouth, bleeding gums or mouth ulcers, don’t suck until it has healed.

Attend dental check-ups at least twice a year.

Attend sexual health check-ups at least three times a year.

Consider pulling out if you taste pre-cum.

Don’t let him cum in your mouth.

So much has been written about oral sex and some will argue these bullet point are ‘too strict’ so we suggest you use the links below and/ or ask about it at your next sexual health check-up.

Rimming

Rimming is the stimulation of the arsehole with the tongue including licking, kissing, sucking and/ or pushing the tongue inside. Teasing it open with the tongue, rimming relaxes the arsehole – preparing it for a finger, or cock if fucking is where you’re heading. Equally, many guys enjoy rimming in its own right, as a standalone sexual activity.

For most of us, our arse is a massive erogenous zone. The arsehole and surrounding area is packed with nerves, highly sensitive to stimulation. The same goes for tongue (and lips) so the combination can make us feel both horny and sexy. The pelvic floor muscles are also located here which play a key role in sex and contract when you cum. Rimming stimulates these muscles and can heighten sensations significantly.

At a very young age we are taught to dispose of shit neatly and we are not encouraged to talk about one of life’s messy taboos. And yet, while the anal area exemplifies everything we’re told about as dirty and/ or unclean, it is also one of the most pleasurable and sensitive parts of the body.

Rimming – together with other arse-related activities – breaks this strong taboo and through the sex we have we get over it through necessity, understanding and knowledge. Also, we should not forget we can draw great emotional strength from the acceptance we show each other during sex. Rimming involves acceptance of a taboo and this mutual acceptance can be immensely powerful, intensifying the experience.

Although men often prefer a freshly washed arse, others find the taste, smell and musk of a sweaty arse crack a huge turn on. Getting your partner in the right mind-set to receive, or doing the same for yourself, is crucial. And if your partner has not (been) rimmed before a little patience with some gentle encouragement will go a long way.

Find a position that is comfortable to you when you’re rimming. These would be some of the more popular: bent over on your hands and knees, lying on your back with your legs in the air, flat on your stomach, or straddling (sitting over) his face.

How you rim is completely up to you and many of us develop our own style and techniques. If you’re new to rimming you may find the following tips helpful though above all: listen to your man, listen to his breathing, listen to his grunts and groans and whimpers as these will be your compass:

Gently run your fingers down your partner’s back until you reach the top of his arse crack

Run a finger down the crack barely touching it working your way round to his balls

Parting his arse cheeks work your way around the arsehole gently, working your tongue into the crack

Using circular movements, darting movements, flick your tongue in and out of his hole

Your tongue should be able to feel the difference between the skin around the arsehole and the muscle going into the hole

While rimming can be tantalisingly gentle, it can also be very passionate. Some guys love a light tongue touch while others prefer a more energetic approach

A guy’s body will often contract and relax, and he might also push his arse towards you and rotate his hips. This means you’re doing a great job!

‘Humming’ is when you push your face into his arse and moan/ hum. It’s surprising how many guys haven’t experienced this sort of vibration which can be very sensuous. Equally he may ask you if you said something!

Depending on the size, shape and firmness of his arse you may or may not need to use your fingers to spread his cheeks so you can get in there

Don’t forget those inches often overlooked between the base of his balls and his arsehole. For many guys this is a super sensitive area, particularly if your tongue can flick his balls

If you do get to a point where a finger is an option remember that skin can be a lot rougher than you think so wet it with plenty of spit or lube. It comes with practice but it’s worth thinking about the sort of lube you may use when rimming. Some lubes are relatively neutral, while others are pretty foul tasting

Bear in mind that if you are rimming a complete top a tongue may be all he wants or needs… and he may get stroppy if you try putting anything else up there

Felching

Many men taste or swallow cum, whether it’s our own or others. Felching is sucking your own cum out of a guy’s arsehole, usually with your mouth and tongue, and may then include passing the cum from mouth to mouth or kissing. It can be part of an intense scene, and potent sexual bonding between men. The HIV risk is low, although you can pick up many other STIs including hepatitis, Shigella and gonorrhoea.

Putting things up your arse

The arse is one of the most sensitive parts of the body, and putting things inside it can be very horny. However, your arse is delicate: you should treat it with respect as something that you wish to keep in good condition for years to come – both for sex and shitting.

Not all gay men use their arses for sex, but still have wholly satisfying and fulfilling sex lives. However, But the majority of gay men use their arses for sex in one way or another, whether it’s a tongue, finger, cock, dildo or fist.

Why it can feel so good

The arsehole and anal canal are sensitive to touch.

The rectum can sense movement and can stretch.

The prostate gland (which is very sensitive) can be stimulated through the wall of the rectum.

Warm, flexible, smooth-edged and dildo-shaped objects which can slide in and out easily are the best things to stick up your arse – which is why cocks are so wonderful. With care and practice larger cocks and dildos and fists can eventually be accommodated. Conversely, cold, hard, rough and angular shaped objects can graze or cut the inside of the arse and cause bleeding, bruising and serious damage. Glass objects tend to break or shatter under pressure, and for this reason it does not make sense to insert light bulbs, glasses, bottles or chandeliers.

Force

Sphincter muscles are closed for a very good reason: to stop shit from falling out. They only open (usually) when we’re sitting on the toilet. If we’re to open them for different reasons, sphincter muscles need to be gently massaged, teased and coaxed open before they’ll let anything through by choice. Obviously, there’s a guy attached to these muscles who will want to feel comfortable and relaxed before he’s likely to tell them to chill out and relax – quite literally.

If you try and force a dildo, cock or even a small finger through closed sphincter muscles, nerve endings will register discomfort – in many cases pain – and contract immediately. A classic example of this happening is when a dick is rammed into an unsuspecting arse taking the muscles completely by surprise. The pain can probably be best described as the ‘pain of pains’ and you can never quite work out whether you want to nurse yourself, hit him or throw him out.

Loss and retrieval

All sorts of things can go in but not all of them come out as easily. When an object gets ‘lost’ up a person’s arse, it’s usually slipped into the rectum and the bottom sphincter muscle has closed behind it. If there’s blood, discomfort or pain you should go to casualty immediately. If not, you may be able to retrieve it yourself by:

Relaxing the sphincter muscles again (with lubricant and/or poppers)

Massaging the arsehole to ‘tease’ it open

Shitting it out

Using small fingers to gently ease it out

Soaking in a hot bath may help you relax first

Understandably, a person can be anxious (which can tighten the arse muscles) and may need to be calmed, relaxed and reassured. If none of these techniques work then you should go to casualty immediately. Retrieval becomes more difficult when the object is an awkward shape – a little like a lobster getting into a lobster pot but not being able to get out. Vibrators can slip out of your hands and up an unsuspecting arse.

The novelty value of buzzing your way into an accident and emergency department runs out very quickly and probably before the long-life batteries. Glass objects can be sharp and shatter and trying to retrieve light bulbs, apples, cock rings, and golf balls at 3am in casualty, ceases to be sexy rather quickly.

Blood and injury

During or after sex, you may see a little pink in the lubricant or arse mucous. This usually means that small blood vessels running close to the surface of the rectum or sphincter muscles have ruptured. While it may be no more than a graze on the skin, there are no nerve receptors to register pain and you cannot see the injury to make an assessment. Consequently, all suspected injuries should be taken seriously.

While you should stop what you’re doing, the reality is that if you’re having a good time and there is no pain or discomfort it’s possible you’ll carry on – albeit with greater care. However, it needs to be made clear that physical damage has already been done. Furthermore, if gloves have not been used and your hands aren’t in perfect condition, there is a risk of STI transmission.

If the blood becomes thicker or darker in colour – stop what you’re doing immediately. No ifs, buts or maybes. If you don’t feel the need to seek medical help, rest up and see how you’re feeling in a few hours as it can take a while before you realise that harm has been done. Indications that there is a problem may include a temperature, persistent pain or discomfort, sweating, feeling nauseous or weak.

If there is pain, discomfort, nausea, or continued blood loss, or if you don’t feel any better, go to A&E immediately:

In addition to the risk of STIs, putting stuff up our arses can result in a reduction in the elasticity and co-ordination of the sphincter muscles which can result in permanent damage. This can lead to problems in shitting and incontinence. Certainly there are gay men with arses the size of the Grand Canyon which have probably resulted from over-use.

Like many other parts of our bodies, with practice and care we can tone up and improve our sphincter muscle control. Furthermore, by gaining an understanding of our digestive system and the workings of our arse, we are better able to manage and care for them and recognise problems.

It’s difficult to imagine us not using our arses for sex in some way and so, in the absence of any clear information about the effects of arse play, the following guidelines are a compromise between overdoing it and not doing it.

Don’t abuse your arse: treat it with care and respect.

Listen to what your body has to say.

If you’re not comfortable or relaxed – don’t.

Adopt good techniques in arse preparation and play.

Don’t do anything that causes pain or discomfort.

Respond quickly to any problems or complications.

Go for regular sexual health check-ups.

Arse play is also thought to contribute to or aggravate Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).

If in doubt – don’t.

Hands and fingers

Fingers and hands are sometimes overlooked as a source of infection and transmission during sex. Here are some tips to help keep the risks to a minimum.

Hands should be in a good condition; skin should be unbroken and have no cuts, sores or abrasions.

Fingernails should be clean, short, and filed to remove any rough edges. Cuticles (that’s where your nails join your fingers) should be smooth and unbroken.

Rough or dry hands can be softened with a moisturiser, although oil-based moisturisers damage condoms.

You should wear gloves if your skin is broken or has cuts, sores or abrasions, or if cuticles are torn or split, or if fingernails are damaged, ragged or raw. This is because damaged or broken skin is more likely to provide routes for infection to get into the body.

Reducing the risk of STI transmission

If you are sharing fingers, dildoes or fists between arses or mouths (very possibly covered with traces of blood, cum, shit or piss) there is a risk of STI transmission if STIs are present.

Fingers are little dildoes and, generally, we don’t cover fingers when we put them up our own arse. However, they should be washed thoroughly if they are then going up anybody else’s. Trouble is, we don’t usually do this either, particularly in the heat of the moment. The same applies if you finger someone else first and then want to finger yourself. Alternatively you can use a finger-cot (a condom for your finger) with a new cot used on each partner. You may only be able to obtain these from sexual health clinics and chemists.

If you are using condoms, your cock should only go up one arse with each condom. If there’s more than one arse on offer, use a fresh condom. Similarly, if you’re using gloves a new glove should be used with each partner. The same applies to dildoes and other sex toys. Getting into the habit of always using a condom on a dildo (whether you’re by yourself or not) will also give you repeated opportunities to practise putting on and taking off condoms.

Sex toys and dildoes

Sex toys and dildoes are often confused – not that it makes a huge difference. Sex toys are a generic term for objects or devices that produce sexual pleasure when used while dildoes and butt plugs are types of sex toys.

There is also the perplexing issue as to whether the plural of dildo is dildos or dildoes. Our research suggests both are used, including the Collins English Dictionary: dildo or dildoe NOUN, plural –dosor –does

While they are also made from glass, steel and wood, dildoes are usually made from:

Latex rubber – flexible and inexpensive, but allergenic to some people with latex allergy

Cyberskin – a thermal plastic that feels like skin and warms up quickly

Silicone – soft and life-like

And spare a thought for those cucumbers and courgettes, though we have to hand it to Jack who put the carrot back in the vegetable rack after an argument with his parents.

Most commonly, dildoes look like an erect cock and are put up the arse for sexual pleasure. They vary in length and width and often taper from the base to a cock-shaped head with designs and contours which are often exaggerated. Butt plugs are related to dildos but are smaller, stumpier and less penetrating. They are a gentler option to dildos, and while many guys are happy with them, others use them as stepping stone to larger ones. Dildoes and butt plugs have thicker bases to give you good grip and make sure you don’t lose it up there.

Some of today’s dildoes are moulded directly from the penis’s of porn stars (suggesting you can live out your fantasy) complete with vibration settings, controller pads with separate on/off button (always good to know) and harness compatible suction cup bases. Equally, some of us have ‘the one’, not too large and not too small, that does the job. In short, using dildoes is not a competition and bigger does not necessarily equate to better – though by all means experiment as improvements in manufacturing continue to widen choice, shapes, sizes, and textures.

Before getting one, you would do well to consider what you want to get out of their use:

A broader based dildo tends to stretch and stimulate your anal canal.

To excite your prostate gland you’ll probably need one that’s longer.

It’s easier to keep hold of and manipulate a dildo with a ball shaped or wider base.

Dildo maintenance

How you clean a sex toy depends on what it is made of. Sex toys should come with advice on the packaging about how to clean and store them, which you should follow. It’s worth asking about this when you buy as its material and any moving/ electrical parts will determine how it’s cleaned.

Check sex toys regularly for any scratches or breaks in the surface material where germs could be present and spread, as this can increase the risk of transmission; hepatitis C for example.

A tried and tested tip is to put them in the dishwasher but some materials can degrade as a result.

Click the link below if you would like to find out more about dildoes and how to clean them.

However, please use this information as guidance only as we are not replacing your dildo collection if something goes wrong.

Rubber dildoes (porous)

About: Latex rubber is commonly used to make many dildoes, tends to be very firm and not very lifelike to the touch, and is less flexible and ‘jiggly’ than silicone or jelly.Use: Can cause an allergic reaction if you’re sensitive to latex so you will need to use a non-latex condom.Washing: Clean thoroughly in warm water with antibacterial soap, paying careful attention to any ‘veins’, bumps, and ridges, then pat dry with a soft clean cloth. Rubber dildoes can react with other sex toy materials so store separately in a cool, moisture-free place, away from direct sunlight.Good to know: Use water-based lubricants preferably.

Thermoplastic rubber (TPR) dildoes (porous)

About: TPR is a polymer blend that has a thermoplastic character. TPR is hypo-allergenic, non-toxic and phthalate free.Cleaning: Clean thoroughly in warm water with antibacterial soap, paying careful attention to any ‘veins’, bumps, and ridges, then pat dry with a soft clean cloth. Rubber dildoes can react with other sex toy materials so store separately in a cool, moisture-free place, away from direct sunlight.Good to know: Water-based lubricants preferably.

About: Jelly sex toys are from a mixture of PVC and rubber, resulting in a soft jelly-like texture and feel. Jelly often looks translucent and sometimes has a rubber odour. Use: Use only water-based lubricants with jelly toys.Cleaning: Wash thoroughly in warm water with antibacterial soap, paying careful attention to any ‘veins’, bumps, and ridges, then pat dry with a soft clean cloth. Rubber dildoes can react with other sex toy materials so store separately in a cool, moisture-free place, away from direct sunlight.Essential to know: Jelly sex toys are made with phthalates. Phthalates are “plasticisers” or softeners added to plastics to make jelly more flexible, more transparent and allow them to last longer. Studies have shown that phthalates can be potential health risks and are phased out of many products in the United States and European Union over health concerns, particularly in products which are consumed by mouth, such as food packaging and water bottles. Although no conclusive studies on the health risks for jelly sex toys have been conducted, we recommend that you always use a condom when using a sex toy made of jelly for added protection. However, there are also jelly-like materials called Elastomers, which we understand to be safe and a much higher quality.

About: Similar to jelly, elastomer is a much higher quality compound that does not include phthalates and is ideal for manufacturing a variety of textures. Use: Water-based lubricants preferably.Cleaning: Wash thoroughly in warm water with antibacterial soap, paying careful attention to any ‘veins’, bumps, and ridges, then pat dry with a soft clean cloth. Elastomer dildoes can react with other sex toy materials so store separately in a cool, moisture-free place, away from direct sunlight.

About: CyberSkin is a thermal plastic and brand-name of a soft elastomer material that, like skin, is warm/ soft to the touch with a firm underlying texture. Use: Only use water-based lubricants on these materials; silicone or any petroleum or oil-based lubricant will destroy CyberSkin.Cleaning: Wash thoroughly in warm water with antibacterial soap, paying careful attention to any ‘veins’, bumps, and ridges, then pat dry with a soft clean cloth. Do not use alcohol-based or other household cleansers as they will damage the material.

About: Silicone is soft and lifelike, hypo-allergenic, and warms up quickly to body temperature. Use: Use water based lubricants only as silicone or silicone-based lubricants used on silicone sex toys can damage them.Cleaning: Wash thoroughly in hand hot water with antibacterial soap, or wash in the dishwasher, or simmer in a pan of water for a few minutes, or clean it with a sex toy cleaner. Be sure to store your silicone dildos separately from other silicone sex toys, or they may react with one another. You can also soak in 1 part thin bleach/ 10 parts water solution, but rinse thoroughly afterwards.

About: Made of chrome alloy and stainless steel so should last almost indefinitely if cared for properly.Use: Suitable for all types of lubricantCleaning: Wash thoroughly in hand hot water with antibacterial soap, then dry with a clean tissue or soft cloth. Metal dildoes are usually made from stainless steel or anodised aluminium, so avoid abrasive cleaning agents which dull / degrade the finish/ shine. Storage is easy as they won’t react with any other materials. You can also soak in 1 part thin bleach/ 10 parts water solution, but rinse thoroughly afterwards.Good to know: Easily warmed to body temperature.

About: Made from clear medical grade borosilicate glass (think Pyrex) Use: Suitable for all types of lubricantCleaning: These dildoes are very durable and easy to clean. In fact, they should be dishwasher safe, like a casserole dish. However, if you don’t fancy putting it in the dishwasher: wash thoroughly in hand hot water with antibacterial soap, then dry with a clean tissue or soft cloth. You can also soak in 1 part thin bleach/ 10 parts water solution, but rinse thoroughly afterwards.

About: These materials are very hard (like the plastics used on gym equipment).Use: Suitable for all types of lubricantCleaning: Wash thoroughly in hand hot water with antibacterial soap, or clean it with a sex toy cleaner. You can also soak in 1 part thin bleach/ 10 parts water solution, but be sure to rinse thoroughly afterwards.

Fucking

For the high majority of gay men, what we do with our dicks defines us and (love it or loathe it) fucking is inextricably linked with that. However, there is an assumption by many gay men and society generally that all gay men fuck and it’s the sexual practice around which everything revolves.

Some men don’t

Even if it’s true it doesn’t mean you have to fuck or be made to feel there is something wrong if you don’t. There are guys who have never tried it and really don’t care if they don’t, and some guys who have tried it and don’t like doing it. There are those who think it’s overrated or just feel that the risk of HIV is too great. Not fucking doesn’t mean that you can’t or don’t have a fabulous sex life. So, ask yourself the question: do you really want to fuck?

If you’re getting fucked you get the pleasure of getting your arse massaged from the inside and your prostate gland taken on an all-expenses-paid holiday to the destination of your choice. If you’re fucking – you get to have your cock rubbed and massaged into heavenly oblivion.

We can change roles and start again. Not bad really. It can be emotional and we can be overwhelmed. It brings us together and we can feel as one. It allows us to dominate and to submit. It releases us and tells us who we are. It can be some of these things, all of them or something else. Even better.

Oh, I thought you wanted to fuck me…

If you’re fucking with a new partner it can be sensible to agree who’s doing what before you leave a club/ bar or before meeting (if online). Some of us can be upfront and ask; others, particularly if they’re versatile, will simply go with the flow.

Granted, there is something to be said for not asking ‘who’s going to do what?’ on the way home as it can seem planned, predictable, and tacky. Equally, if you only want to fuck or get fucked and your partner wants likewise then you either have some serious negotiation to do… or you may as well put the kettle on.

Positions

Exactly how we fuck or get fucked is a matter of personal choice and experimentation, although our favourite is usually derived from five basic positions:

Lying on the stomach with the other lying partially/ fully on top.

On the knees (doggy style), bent forward, with the other guy kneeling behind.

Lying on your back with legs raised either side of the other or resting on his shoulders.

Both lying on your side one behind the other.

Sitting on top (and/or slightly raised) of the other guy who is lying on his back.

Sitting astride your partner who’s lying beneath you allows greater control, and one the best positions for continued eye contact and kissing. Other positions can make the person getting fucked more vulnerable. You can always change later.

Condom and lube

Make sure condoms and lube are to hand unless you have talked through the issues and taken a decision not to use them.

To help relax you and your arse, ask your partner to lubricate his finger and gently massage the entrance to your arse. When you’re ready, say so – he can then slide a finger into the arsehole and massage the anal canal, eventually putting two fingers inside.

Nuzzle

Sit astride your partner placing his cock against the entrance of your arsehole. At this point, he should do nothing more than nuzzle or rub the opening gently. Stay in this position until you feel suitably relaxed.

Draw me into you

Ideally lower yourself on to his cock, drawing it into the anal canal. This can be made easier by pushing down as if you are opening your arse to shit. It may not sound it, but this can be very horny for both of you.

Discomfort and pain

The anal canal can stretch greatly but will contract automatically when pain occurs. This will happen if he enters too quickly and it’s said that a considerate partner can be gauged by the care he takes when entering someone. If you encounter any pain or discomfort, lift yourself off completely, catch your breath and decide whether you want to try again.

Get familiar

Once he’s inside you, ask him to lie still until you get used to the feeling of his cock inside you. You may to wish to tighten your bottom sphincter muscle around it. This can be an intense sensation for both of you. He may lose his erection – this is quite natural. Take time to help him get up some steam again.

Start off slowly

You’ll probably begin with slow movements. If you want him to do the work, you may need to raise yourself slightly to give him enough room to move his cock in and out of your arse.

Stimulation

At this point, the cock will be stimulating the anal canal which is touch-sensitive, and the rectum which can sense movement. Depending on the depth and angle of the thrusts your partner will be able to stimulate your prostate gland on the other side of the rectum wall.

Thrusts

The thrusts will usually become deeper and faster but they don’t need to. Develop your own rhythm and communicate to each other what you want.

Cumming too quickly

Combined with what’s already going on in your anal canal and rectum, stimulating the prostate gland may encourage you to cum. This may be exactly what you want but you may also find that you cum too quickly. Remember you can take a break or stop at any time.

Longer cocks

Longer cocks can knock into the top sphincter muscle causing some discomfort or pain. Relaxing the top sphincter muscle will allow the cock to pass through into the bottom part of the sigmoid colon. If you’re being fucked on your back, the cock can knock against some of the nerves around the bottom of the spinal cord, which again can cause discomfort to the person being fucked. Similarly, if the cock knocks into the prostate gland, the same will happen.

Bareback

Bareback sex is fucking without condoms or condom-less shags. The term ‘bare backing’ first appeared in a 1995 edition of Steam magazine. In an editorial Scott O’Hara, a gay man with HIV, said:

“I’m tired of using condoms and I won’t, and I don’t feel the need to encourage negatives to stay negative.”

While be know this to be true we cannot find a copy of the original article. If anyone knows where we can, please contact MEN R US.

Like a tinder-box to brushwood, a fire swept across the USA with accusations split between ‘irresponsible idiots’ and ‘condom Nazis!’ (with not much in the middle) and it wasn’t long before the issue jumped the Atlantic to European shores.

Some HIV prevention agencies pounced on the word producing campaigns which sort of talked about it, although a clear explanation for what it was and who it applied to was proving sticky. For example, monogamous couples and those who had made considered/ informed decisions not to use condoms were labelled barebackers. Coupled with the negativity and hysteria at the time, they were rightly pissed. It was a lost opportunity for agencies to pull together and communicate the issues in a meaningful way. Nature abhors a vacuum, so with a sexy name barebacking morphed into a life of its own, legitimising condomless shags. It is a subject that continues to divide gay men and health professionals.

Condom-less shags are nothing new – they were going on before HIV, they will go on tonight, and they will continue tomorrow. And if two guys decide to fuck without condoms there will always be someone who will be critical or damning. However, it can be difficult to measure up to expectations created by ourselves, other gay men, and HIV prevention workers (at least the few of them left).

We now live in a time when HIV is no longer such a life-threatening issue. Get HIV, get the meds and pop a pill. While this may not sit comfortably, it’s the loudest voice today as prevention messages are lost in the clamour for the next fuck. However – and it’s a BIG however – the landscape in which we play is changing:

Hepatitis C is now a serious health issue for gay men.

Antibiotics are reaching the end of their shelf life and are failing to treat STIs.

HIV may be a manageable chronic condition but you really don’t want it.

It’s too easy to think of men who fuck without condoms as stupid, foolish or irresponsible. Lots of us have lots of reasons for having sex and not using them. Sometimes this leads to HIV and STIs, sometimes it doesn’t.

The point is we need to talk about our desires, fears and concerns, explaining what we really mean otherwise we risk talking at cross purposes. That’s what happened when barebacking hit our shores and it seems to be happening today as we try to get to grips with chemsex, and slamming. It’s old school, but we need to ask ourselves why we might want to fuck without condoms, what the risks might be and whether we are prepared to take them.

Fucking without condoms

More often than not we don’t use condoms:

Because we haven’t taken the trouble find a condom that actually fits and is comfortable to wear. Not all the condoms are built the same!

Because of who we are with; eg: someone we love, someone we think is more attractive than we are, someone we assume is HIV negative or HIV positive, like us.

Because of where/ how we are having sex; eg: a rush job or the heat of the moment.

Because of how we are feeling; eg: ‘when I’m sad I want him to show me how much he loves me,’ ‘because I’m loved up nothing bad can happen to me.’

Because of the situation we find ourselves in; eg: ‘he’s taking the lead, I can hardly ask him to use a condom.’

Because we’ve been drinking or doing drugs; eg: ‘it’ll be OK, anyway I don’t care, I can’t remember what a condom is!’

Often it isn’t until later that we begin to worry about it.

So what could unsafe sex mean for you?

A whole range of STIs can be passed on by unprotected sex, which are proving more difficult to treat.

It puts you more at risk of getting, or giving HIV.

If you are HIV positive, getting a STI is the last thing you need. They can be difficult to treat, they increase your viral load and put greater strain on your immune system.

If you fuck with someone on HIV medication you may become infected with a strain of HIV which is resistant to some of the anti-HIV drugs.

If you are HIV positive already, it puts you at risk of re-infection with a more serious strain of HIV.

There may be times when sex without condoms is less risky, what you need to know is when and how.

Times when you might consider not using condoms

If you are both HIV negative, you might consider that you have nothing to protect each other against. But to be absolutely certain of your HIV status you have to take a test at least three months after your last risky sex; just guessing isn’t enough. And even if neither of you has HIV, you might expose yourself to other STIs.

You’ll need to be completely honest with each other about whether or not you’ve had sex with anyone else, and this requires a very high level of commitment and trust. Think ahead and talk it through: how would one of you feel if the other had unprotected sex with someone else?

If you are both HIV positive, you might decide not to worry about the risks to your health from reinfection with other strains of HIV. If you fit into either of these scenarios and accept the risks that they involve then you could have unprotected sex with your partner.

However, there are times we don’t use condoms when we feel that we should. So what can be done? Here’s a step-by-step guide:

Ask yourself: ‘Do I really want to put myself at risk?’

If you answer no, you are halfway there, you’ve made a commitment to the idea of safer sex.

Now, think of occasions when you’ve had unsafe sex. What were your thoughts, and feelings at the time?

What events lead you to think and feel that way?

Are there any situations when you find it more difficult to have safer sex? For example, parties, cruising or with someone you really care about.

Now you know some of the things that might cause you to have unsafe sex. If any of these feelings or thoughts surface when sex is on your mind, you could be heading toward an old pattern where unsafe sex is more likely.

Think about how you would feel if you or your partner became HIV positive because of that sex.

Would it really be worth it?

When you’re about to fuck, remember your thoughts and feelings about unsafe sex. Either tell your partner that you want to stay safe, or go right ahead and get the condoms and lube ready, make sure he sees what you are doing, or knows what you are up to.

Put the condom on (him or you) before you get close to fucking, that way you’ll be ready in the heat of the moment.

If you have unsafe sex, don’t hate yourself – learn from it. Think about what happened and see how you could change this in the future.

Finally, if you find it too difficult to make your sex safer on your own, speak to a health adviser at a sexual health clinic. Many clinics offer counselling and support sessions.

There are all sorts of reasons why we end up having unsafe sex, but it’s nearly always our choice. Our reasons are totally understandable but, at the end of the day, who is responsible for your health and well being if it isn’t you?

Watersports

Watersports is playing with piss during sex for pleasure. It’s also known as piss play, golden showers and urophilia. The word urophilia has origins in the Greek language from ouron, urine, and lagneia, lust. Though rarely, the word lindinism is also used, but we are struggling to find its origin.

Guys also get off drinking piss, piss fucking (pissing up a guy’s arse during anal sex) and watching others. If you are turning your nose up at this point, the UK Gay Men’s Sex Survey 2006 (Sigma Research) found that 16.5% (2,005 of 12,155) men had done water sports in the previous 12 months.

‘Forbidden’ or ‘taboo’ sex acts can often create sexual excitement.

The freedom and pleasure from pissing, particularly when you really need to go.

Pleasure from being drenched in a stream of ‘warm liquid’.

Increased intimacy sharing a bodily fluid.

Some guys get more intense orgasms with a full bladder.

Watersports as part of sub/ dom role play which is a real turn-on for some.

So, if you are interested, or just curious, keep a look out for club events where you can meet like-minded piss guys; or talk with your partner first (ie: ensure you’re on the same wavelength before you let loose). As with other types of ‘taboo play’, it’s not uncommon to feel a little weird afterwards, particularly if it’s your first time. In fact, it can take time to become familiar and comfortable playing on these sorts of edges. Guys can find themselves saying “never doing that again” only to find once they’re hard and horny they’ll give it another go.

Piss is normally 95% water, sterile in the bladder, with a 5.5 to 7pH range. Drinking your own piss is safe and, in case you’re wondering, even if you have an infection you are not going to give it to yourself twice!

Some guys like the strong dark taste and smell of undiluted piss, while others prefer to drink lots of water so they can piss more and so it becomes lighter in colour, taste and smell (more like tasting warm water).

The tell-tale smell of dried piss is ammonia. Getting the smell out of carpet, wood and other floor surfaces can be very difficult so covering mattresses, carpets and so on with rubber or plastic sheeting is a must. Alternatively, keep piss play for inside the bath, shower rooms, or outside.

Risk of infection

As a general rule, watersports is one of the safest kinds of sex play there is. However, as piss leaves the bladder, down the pipe (urethra) out of the end of the dick, it can pick up STIs along the way like gonorrhoea, chlamydia and herpes.

If someone has a urinary or kidney infection, piss can also contain traces of blood so there is a small risk of HIV or hepatitis C, if present. Like cum or shit, there is also an increased risk if infected piss gets through broken skin into the bloodstream.

Drugs in piss

Be aware we get rid of drugs (prescribed and otherwise) and/ or alcohol in urine and that what one person puts in their body someone else may be directly exposed to. Even food allergies could be a factor if the reaction is severe enough.

Points to remember

You may wish to cover the bed or designated area with a rubber or water proof sheet.

It is worth giving some thought where you do it and where you might be later (in a car or on a bus for example).

Before you start, cover open cuts and sores with a waterproof plaster.

Keeping your eyes closed and not taking it in the eyes or up the arse will significantly reduce risks from sexually transmitted infections.

Fisting

Some of us get turned on by taking as much of a hand as far inside the arse as possible. Practice is the name of the game and – although you might never want to fist – almost everyone can accommodate at least a few fingers. To get a fist in and out safely does require more effort, time and concentration on the part of both partners and recognition that the are risks (more of this later).

In this section the term ‘fister’ has been used for the person giving the fist, ‘fistee’ the person receiving.

While there are obvious benefits to fisting with an experienced partner, learning with another novice can be just as safe and horny. It’s advisable to take some time to get to know each other, and to try and discover each other’s fantasies. Whatever happens it is important for both of you – but particularly the fistee – to feel relaxed and comfortable.

Foreplay should never be underestimated in helping develop a sense of rapport, trust and humour. Codes or ‘stop/start rules’ are essential and should be agreed beforehand. ‘Stop’ from a fistee means stop immediately and ‘out’ means out, albeit very slowly and with extreme care. The important thing is to talk about what you want and not to assume or guess. If a person allows you deep into their body, they are putting a tremendous amount of trust in you.

Be extremely gentle and cautious and take all movement slowly. Sudden movements can be painful, can tear the rectal wall and cause serious injury. The more you go in, the more you will find yourself pressing against your partner’s organs, so take great care. If the fistee wants you to be up there, he will encourage you.

If you fist beyond the rectum you may encounter several problems. There are no receptors to register pain above the rectum. Perforations and subsequent bleeding can go unnoticed for several hours. You’re more inclined to press against and bruise other body organs. You may damage the upper sphincter muscle so that it doesn’t close properly (but still has to regulate shit passing between the sigmoid colon and rectum) which can result in leaks or shitting yourself.

If you’re fisting…

Firstly, if you’re into controlling others in sex or if your trip is power, then don’t fist unless it is part of an agreed scene. When you’re buried inside someone else, it’s the fistee that allows you the privilege of being there. They are putting trust in you that you will respect their vulnerability and together create a combined energy that neither of you could ever create on your own. A good fister is totally focused on the needs of the fistee and is aware that each partner is different physically and mentally. There is no best way to do anything and using a particular technique on one person may not work on another. Before you start, choose which hand you’re going to use. A combination of fisting and then wanking with the same hand could increase the risk of infection both ways. Remove all rings, jewellery or sharp objects which may cause damage or just get lost!

Entry

Cover your entire hand and partner’s arsehole with a generous coating of lubricant. Then slowly press in and out with one finger. When there is no resistance, increase to two. Try using just a thumb, using its base to broaden the opening further, twisting slowly. When your partner is ready, gently work in three fingers until you find yourself in to the knuckles. Each time you come out add more lubricant making sure there’s lubricant ahead of you. This will prevent drying out which can cause major discomfort for both of you. Initial opening up is often a slow process. Never rush, savour the moment and take your time. Do not assume that gaining entrance (past your knuckles) to the rectum will be quick and easy. It is often the greatest challenge for fisters and the most likely point when inexperienced fistees will want to have a break or stop altogether. Before gaining full entry into the rectum, find an angle of approach that fits most comfortably and try to avoid pushing against any bony structure.

Often the most sensuous moment of the session is the gentle slide of your hand into the cavity. If they take them, some fistees like their first hit of poppers at this point. Enter just as slowly as possible allowing your partner to savour the moment. Once inside, rest a few seconds until your partner’s body has had time to adjust. To confirm adequate relaxation, it may be appropriate to come out completely, slowly and carefully, and re-enter again. Above all, be sensitive to the needs of your partner and you’ll know what to do when you get there. Your hand is now situated in your partner’s rectum which will expand on stretching.

Having entered the rectum you should curl your fingers to make a fist with your thumb inside, although practice will provide variations on this. Once you’ve settled inside, a gentle in-and-out motion (without pulling out of the cavity) will usually help your partner relax. Taking cues from your partner, allow yourself to be subtly creative, changing the speed, twist and depth.

As you gently work yourself inside, allow your hand to open slowly. Then go slowly – and gently – feeling your way deeper into the passage. Your partner will probably let you know with groans and moans whether to proceed or stay right where you are. Also he will tell you when it’s time for a break, perhaps having cum, or being sore, or exhausted, or just in need of a rest from the overwhelming experience and emotion. Sometimes you’ll be the one who initiates the break, realising that your partner is overdoing it or that your hand is getting dry. Sometimes, you will reach orgasm or just run out of energy. Your break may be for a few seconds or may signal a major rest period, or perhaps your partner may have had enough for that session. As you become more experienced with each other, fisters will be able to gauge how much the fistee can take in a session. A thoughtful fistee will also make sure to see to their partner’s needs.

If you’re getting fisted…

In theory, almost anyone can take a hand inside the rectum although few people have the ability to relax enough to do it easily or at will. The technique is about learning to relax and let go rather than stretching the anal canal – allowing your arse muscles to accept entrance from the outside with the same ease they allow release from the inside.

Practice

You can loosen up by using increasingly larger dildos and butt-plugs. A more effective way is to increase control of your sphincter muscles by exploring your arse with your own fingers, (clean and lubed of course). Once again – practice is the name of the game. Explore gently, see how this part of your body reacts to deep breathing or thoughts of fear and relaxation.

Remember: go slowly, take your time and don’t push. It’s not a race or competition. If your arse feels threatened or attacked it will react in fear and tighten up. (As mentioned earlier douching will help familiarise yourself with your arse – getting a sense of where things are and their dimensions). With greater control dildos and butt-plugs will be more pleasurable and give you experience in stretching and taking more and more inside you. A fistee needs to remain relaxed, which is helped by practice. Breathing deeply, rather than holding your breath, will often help. You should be pulling or willing your partner in so that there’s no need to push. Sometimes pushing out, as if shitting, then pulling in can make a difference.

As a fistee you have a responsibility to let your partner know if you’re okay. You should also be aware that your partner may need a break and has needs of his own which a considerate fistee will attempt to meet. If you sense or feel discomfort or have pain, tell your partner to slow down, take a break or stop. It’s your body – if it’s telling you something, listen.

Pain could mean that you’re going to be sore later. More importantly, if your partner isn’t listening or thinks he knows better, question whether he’s suitable and maybe suggest he takes his frustrations elsewhere. Ultimately, it is trust – the absence of fear – that not only makes taking a hand possible but makes it the great experience it can be. You also have a responsibility to let your partner know when it’s feeling good. Support them all you can: maybe talk, moan or groan, or if you can touch him respond to movements you can feel inside.

Blood, soreness, pain and damage

A little soreness is common and usually goes away in an hour or so. It may also indicate that your partner went in or came out a bit too fast. The most common feeling is that your arse feels like it is ‘purring’ like Eartha Kitt which we think is faintly humorous to those of us who have been around the block a few times. Sometimes air will have worked its way into the system, but this will feel no different from standard gas pain and will work its way through in time. Once the prostate and bladder have been stimulated, it’s also common to feel the need to piss afterwards and often not be able to do so easily.

There are risks associated with fisting, including perforations in your lower intestine. These may be little fissures or splits or can range from bleeding to a prolapsed rectum requiring surgery. You should not underestimate any of these problems or complications. This is usually as a result of the fister being unnecessarily rough or the fistee being too drugged-up to recognise their limitations. A tear or perforation may not be noticed for an hour or two. Internal pain (that often increases over time) and/or undiluted blood is an indication of damage.

Don’t hesitate to seek medical help immediately. Try not to be embarrassed or apologetic if you have to go to an Accident and Emergency Department. Although hospital staff may think what you’ve done is strange, they should deal with you professionally and will have very possibly seen it all before. If you have perforated your bowel going to hospital can save your life.

Afterwards…

Douching after a session is not a good idea as this can aggravate any minor cuts or abrasions. After your session, you may feel the need to shit out the lube and any mucus, and this is not unnatural, given what you have just been doing. Take your time, and don’t strain. You may also feel sick, drowsy or perhaps a little confused. Between heavy breathing, smoke from candles, incense, cigarettes and poppers you may have used up much of the oxygen in the room. All you might need is to open the windows or go for a short walk. Alternatively, you may just want to sleep! You may also feel hungry, so if you can, plan ahead and have something ready. Even if you don’t have the munchies, make sure you drink lots of non-alcoholic fluid.

BDSM

BDSM is a shorthand catch-all phrase covering a wide range of activities, including

bondage and discipline or B&D

domination and submission, or D&S

sadism and masochism, or S&M

Some guys may be horrified if they thought they were into BDSM but if you have enjoyed nipple play, squeezing or tugging balls, spanking and giving/ carrying out orders the likelihood is that you have already been there. Most of us have imagined or fantasised about bondage, or other situations involving some level of dominance and submission.

BDSM is about exploring and realising those fantasies in a safe, sane, consensual and fun way. Not all BDSM is overtly sexual although, for many, it is an integral part of sexual enjoyment and lovemaking. Traditionalists will probably say that pure BDSM is sexual excitement and enjoyment caused by inflicting or being subjected to pain.

While accepting this view, sadomasochism is much broader and includes dominant and submissive role-playing, bondage and physical restraint, humiliation, verbal abuse and punishment. In some cases, these practices don’t involve pain, but what they all share is the exchange of power between partners. Sometimes this is dramatic, at other times it can be more subtle, but the degree to which power is exchanged is not important so long as the experience is consensual and enjoyed.

It is also said that BDSM practices involving pain heighten a sexual experience through the release of endorphins in the body. Many men say this experience is far more intense than that of ‘vanilla’ (non-BDSM) sex. Punishment, torture, bondage, humiliation, breath control, catheters and sounding, electro and medical play are the most common BDSM practices, although often they overlap.

Before you get into activities with an obvious potential for harm, such as whipping, torture, heavy restraints, learn what you’re doing first.

Roles

Depending on the scenario or type of BDSM relationship, the active or dominant partner is usually known as the top, master or Sir, while the passive or submissive partner is known as the bottom or slave. Some men have a preference, others will swap roles while others will only take on one. Generally men adopt these only during sex but, occasionally, two men may form a relationship in which they have taken the decision to stay in these roles. The key ingredient of BDSM is the contrasting roles of a top and the bottom.

Safe, sane and consensual

Safe, sane and consensual (SSC) are common principles guiding BDSM relationships and activities.

Safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health.

Sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind.

Consensual: all activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved. However, that legal consent may not create a defence to criminal liability for any injuries caused and, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm in English law.

You should agree to use a safe word which, when spoken, says stop and mean stop. It may seem like stating the obvious but don’t choose words like ‘stop.’ Safe words should be simple and non-sexual, e.g.: apple, rainbow, Brexit, Corbyn, Trump Cameron, Nigel Farage, etc.

Finding out more

Whether it’s tit torture, bondage, electro, corporal punishment (CP), cock and ball torture (CBT… but not the same as motorcycle Compulsory Basic Training!), catheters, breath control… or something else… the following organisations and links should help.

Backlash is an umbrella organisation providing academic, legal and campaigning resources defending freedom of sexual expression. It supports the rights of adults to participate in all consensual sexual activities and to watch, read and create any fictional interpretation of such in any media.

The Spanner Trust exists to defend the rights of sadomasochists of all sexual orientations and specifically to reverse the UK court ruling which made certain SM activities illegal even though all parties consent. The website contains documents detailing the history of the Spanner case, press releases detailing the Trust’s activities, submissions to various bodies on the issue of SM and legal advice.

Saline injections (balls)

Saline injections are injections of sterile 0.9% salt water solution into the ball sack (scrotum) to make it temporarily larger. For those who engage in recreational saline play, the practice is also referred to as saline or scrotal injections, scrotal infusion, or scrotal inflation.

Despite the common name of the procedure, it’s important to note that saline is injected into the ball sack NOT the balls (testicles). The ball sack is elastic and can stretch to a greater size. The sack can be inflated to the size of a large grapefruit, the appearance likened to that of a water balloon. Though the cock can be enlarged this way, the ball sack is easier and ‘safer’ to inflate. This can go hand in hand with a ball sack stretching fetish.

Turn-ons are highly subjective but guys are turned on by:

the sensation of enhanced oversized balls

the rush from temporarily modifying a part of their body

BDSM medical play

the sensation of the sack rubbing against clothing

the erotic sensation from having heavy distended balls full of warm liquid

The quantity of saline solution injected varies but 500 millilitres to 1 litre administered through an IV/ cannula drip. The inflation process takes about an hour and the effect lasts for a day or two. The sack gradually returns to normal size as the saline is absorbed into the body. The more saline solution injected the greater the effect and the ball sack can swell to the size of two grapefruits. The sack may be a little looser afterward but usually returns to its original size.

The practice is cheaper and quicker way of getting a large ball sack compared to silicone injections or surgical implants. Although some report quite intense pain as they inject, for some this is part of the appeal. There may also be a fascination with needles and injecting, part of fetish medical play, control, and domination scenes.

Guidance and risks

Ensure that the saline, drip tubes and needles are sterile and hospital grade and ensure the procedure is administered under sterile conditions.

A lack of sterility can cause cellulitis and expose you to potentially life-threatening infections. Cellulitis is an infection of the soft tissue and skin that requires antibiotics to prevent it from spreading to other parts of the body and become a serious medical condition.

Air in the IV tubing can also cause a potential fatal air embolism (death). Additional risks include subcutaneous emphysema, and possibly fatal complications such as Fournier’s gangrene.

The procedure is not recommended for novices or solo play and no one should experiment with scrotal inflation without some experienced guidance.

“The technical name for what CUM is asking about is ‘scrotal inflation,'” says Dart, leatherman and BDSM/ kink educator. “It’s a type of body-modification play where the scrotum is infused with approximately 500 milliliters to one liter of saline solution via an IV/cannula drip, which results in the balls appearing to have enlarged to the size of a pair of grapefruits.”

“The skin of the sack has a great deal of elasticity and can safely stretch to this large size without incurring damage,” says Dart. Balls, of course, are not noted for their elasticity, and they can burst.

“No one should experiment with scrotal inflation without some experienced guidance, and no one should do it alone. Some of the risks that can happen include local infection and cellulitis, which can occur from a lack of sterility. There can also be dangerous problems if any air was present in the tubing of the IV during the infusion. But again, if proper precautions are taken, these risks can be avoided.”

“The turn-on answer varies from person to person,” says Dart. “For some, there is a certain rush from temporarily modifying a part of their body to a ‘monstrous’ size. Others have ‘medical play’ fantasies. In a power exchange setting between a dominant and a submissive, the dom may get off on ‘altering’ a part of the sub’s body against the sub’s will, while the sub may get turned on by the humiliation aspect. It’s a wide spectrum. As I say, it’s not for everyone. But many, including myself, have engaged in it safely and had a pretty fun time doing it.”

Scat

Also known as ‘brown’ or ‘dirty’, scat is about getting turned on/ excitement and/ or sexual pleasure from playing with shit; including smearing it on the body, eating it, exchanging it, and/ or watching others do the same. Reasons why guys are attracted to this scene vary and include any of the following:

Challenges and break one of society’s most tightly held taboos: that the arse is dirty, shit shouldn’t be played with and should be disposed of cleanly.

Generates an overwhelmingly/ instinctive negative reaction in others.

Breaks boundaries, crosses lines, and explores the extreme.

Power and /or control of shit play in consensual and non-coercive scenes.

Humiliation and/ or degradation (shitting on someone else and being shitted upon).

Noises made during shitting.

Physical sexual arousal felt during the release of letting shit go.

Smell, temperature, and texture.

Sharing a special bond with like-minded guys.

Without boundaries or inhibitions, some say it is the ultimate in sex. Even if scat disgusts and repulses you (and we’re not a fan of it at MEN R US… as far as we know) who is to say it’s not another variant in human desire, regardless of how it fits in with society’s taboos or expectations of what is normal and/ or acceptable. Perhaps it’s more about degrees, and while most of us have clearly defined boundaries about what we will and will not do sexually, there are some men who look at this sort of stuff differently. BTW: Gay men do not have the monopoly on this practice; in fact Internet searches would suggest otherwise (think of girls and cups!)

In the sciences, scatology or coprology is the study of faeces (shit) within the animal kingdom generally; eg: finding out the health of a creature and where it has been from its shit. Scat is derived from Greek skat (faeces/ excrement) and/ or scearn (dung) in Old English. Coprophagia or coprophagy would appear to derived from the Greek copros, “feces” and phagein, “to eat”.

Guidance

Before play: Hepatitis A and B vaccinations are essential. Consent, boundaries and a safe word should be agreed before play. Eat and drink (water) sensibly before and after play. Regular laxative use for play is not advisable as this may result in dependency, and lead to malnutrition, dehydration, constipation or haemorrhoids. Infections: Shit contains bacteria, bugs, fungi and other organisms (eg: E. coli, salmonella, giardia, shigella, campylobacteriosis, and parasites) and can contain STIs (eg: hepatitis, syphilis, gonorrhoea). Blood in shit poses a risk of blood borne viruses (eg: HIV, hepatitis C)While they may not cause symptoms for your partner, they may cause you severe illness if you pick them up, especially if you have a weakened immune system. Skin: Shit on broken skin allows infections a direct route into the bloodstream. Shit on unbroken skin poses little risk if neither you or your partner has infections, but keep away from all mucous membranes (eyes, nose, mouth, cock, vagina, arsehole) and/ or open cuts during play. Eating: While eating your own shit isn’t necessarily poisonous, it can make you very sick. Eating someone else’s shit can greatly increase your risk of parasitic, bacterial, and viral infections.Afterwards: Clean your self thoroughly with antibacterial soap, ensuring hands/ fingernails/ under fingernails are scrubbed scrupulously.

When to consider help

When nothing else arouses you sexually and you can only engage in shit play to feel sexually satisfied.

When you find yourself fixated/ obsessing on the play and/ or missing out on everyday activities such as work and your social life.

When you find yourself being coerced into play when you don’t want to, or you coerce others.

When you find yourself feeling annoyed/ irritated/ upset/ resentful if your partner(s) won’t play or play on ‘your’ terms.

Porn

Pornography within society generally remains a charged issue, although it’s embedded in gay culture. It’s marketed to us as a plus, a safe way to get turned on and explore our sexual fantasies and, in some cases, watch and learn to improve technique. There are many forms of porn including magazines, old school videos, DVDs, art, written stories, and most recently Internet websites and live-cam streaming.

Over 1,000 people completed a porn survey for GMFA. Notably, 97.9% watch porn, 91.1% watch anal and 95.8% watch bareback porn though only 6.9% said watching bareback porn led to personally having unprotected sex. It’s a fascinating read, and we urge you to go look-see.

However, we should make allowances for the grim and predictable storylines, over-sized dicks and seamless action – a far cry from reality. There are growing concerns that porn causes harm. For example, the dopamine your brain produces when you watch it (that’s the “I like this” pleasure bit) will steer you back to watch more so there is potential for addiction.

Go online and you will find a ton of pluses and minuses so MEN R US spunk monkeys have met over tea and biccies to pull together some statements to which you may agree or disagree.

Watching porn to cum is preferable to hooking-up for real.

Watching porn means you are more likely to demean and objectify gay men.

Watching porn creates unrealistic expectations of how we should perform sexually ourselves.

Watching porn is just a bit of fun, and I could easily never watch it again.

Watching porn that ticks our fantasy boxes can then make it difficult to be turned on by men in real life.

Watching porn creates problems with intimacy and confidence in our own lives.

You can film and post porn in minutes but once it’s out there you may never get it back

Be aware that some guys may have a webcam and be streaming live

Think carefully whether you want to be included in a porn vid, whether it’s for cash, through a hookup, or for self gratification. If you’re in doubt, don’t do it or discuss it with a sensible friend first

It may be appropriate to put away your porn library during family visits, particularly if they include inquisitive children. This can mean pictures, videos, magazines, photographs and books, some of which can be easy to forget. You may also wish to clear your Internet search history

If you have a camera connected to your computer left on it can be activated without you knowing

Taking porn through customs is still not advisable. If you’re caught, it’s usually confiscated

Be careful what you acquire – particularly off the internet. Some imagery, eg: extreme BDSM scenes and child pornography often result in heavy prison sentences

Tumblr has announced that it will ban adult content, including porn videos and photos, starting on 17 December 2018. The policy, which will prohibit “photos, videos, or GIFs that show real-life human genitals or female-presenting nipples,” is expected to deeply affect many queer folk on Tumblr who use the platform as a safe space to post and view LGBT+ adult content.

The site, which faced outrage from the LGBT+ community last year when it was revealed that its new safe mode blocked LGBT+ content, has taken the step following the removal of Tumblr’s app from Apple’s iOS App Store after child porn was discovered on the service.

In its new guidelines, Tumblr stated that the new rules will apply to all users, “regardless of how old you are.” Tumblr is seemingly attempting to avoid discriminating against women and LGBT+ people by stating that the changes will not affect “exposed female-presenting nipples in connection with breastfeeding” as well as “birth or after-birth moments.”

One of the most difficult components of building this website on a budget has been illustrating content. The majority of photographs are paid for via relatively inexpensive stock photos, but many used in MEN and SEX were sourced from Butch Dixon and UK Naked Men who have given us permission to use photos from various shoots. It’s been immensely helpful as you’re unlikely to get shots of rimming or cum from digital media libraries (we tried). Equally, there will be those who will raise an eyebrow as to why we have used this particular source material. Well, why not? Granted there’s a little eye candy, but we’ve chosen carefully and cropped photographs to most accurately compliment the content, using men with more typical/ average builds where possible.

Phone sex

Telephone sex usually means wanking off while talking or listening to someone on the phone. For a time, at least, it became very popular as the ultimate safe sex but today, while it still has a niche, needs and technology have moved on.

The numbers in the gay papers will usually put you through to a chat line or recorded story. While they offer uninterrupted wank potential, their cost can be prohibitive and will be recorded on your telephone bill. We’re just saying.

Douching

Douching

At a very young age we are taught to dispose of shit neatly and we are not encouraged to talk about one of life’s messy taboos. And yet, while the anal area exemplifies – for some – everything that’s dirty and unclean, it is also one of the most sensitive and enjoyable parts of the body. Consequently, for many of us, shit is not something we deal with very well, although many of us have had to come to terms with shit as the arse plays such key role in the sex we have. There’s probably been a time in our lives when we have shit ourselves during sex or seen our partner do the same. How we deal with the situation can make or break that hot date!

A well established solution is douching, which means washing out the anal canal, rectum and/ or sigmoid colon with water. Although never fool-proof, it makes fingering, fucking, using dildos and, in particular, fisting much cleaner. Whether you’re learning to drive, use a computer, or put in your first set of contact lenses, the first experience is often uncomfortable or daunting. Douching for the first time is no different. Like many things in life, with practice and familiarity we can get it right. Quite apart from cleaning you out, douching is a good way for you to get to know your arse, how it feels and works. While shit can be unpleasant to some people, douching helps to put it into perspective and over time it becomes little more than an occupational hazard.

Should we douche?

The short answer is you don’t have to, and some guys rely on diet and timely bowel movements instead. However, if you use you arse for sex in some way most men eventually have to cross this bridge, as we generally prefer not to have sex with shitty arses – whether you’re just rimming, using fingers, fucking, or using dildoes.

To some extent, douching will wash away the mucous lining, even though it is constantly regenerating. It protects and lubricates the digestive system (including the rectum) leaving you more open to infections if they are present.

Rough douching techniques can cause tiny breaks or ‘scratches’ in the surface of the arse lining wall, making it more susceptible to infections if they are present.

Over doing douching can interfere and interrupt with the normal workings of your digestive system which is a well timed conveyor belt (from mouth to arsehole).

Consequently, a damaged arse, or one that’s not working properly, can provide routes into the body and blood stream for cum, blood, piss and shit, possibly infected with HIV, Hepatitis C and other STIs.

But saying gay men should not douche is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. We’ve been douching ‘successfully’ for decades, if not longer, and it’s about reducing any risks or harm by:

good technique

maintaining good hygiene

maintaining your douche kit

moderating how often you douche.

Types of douche kit/ equipment

There are several types of douche equipment which we’ll deal with in turn.

Bulb/ syringe douche

If you don’t have facilities to use a hose or a gravity feed douche, a bulb syringe is a practical alternative and a good place to start for beginners.

The size of a bulb syringe douche will restrict how far you can douche. Smaller ones generally clear the bottom part of the rectum while larger ones will clear out the rectum fully. This method is unlikely to clear out your sigmoid colon.

The equipment consists of bulb-shaped container made of rubber and a plastic or rubbery nozzle that you either screw on or push into the top. They vary in size holding between 125-250ml (3-8fl oz). You fill the bulb with lukewarm water, insert the nozzle up the anal canal and squeeze the bulb gently to pump the water into your rectum.

Gravity douche

Gravity douches are generally more thorough than the bulb douche but less thorough than the shower douche. Gravity feed douches will clear out the rectum, sigmoid colon and further with patience.

Douche kits of this type usually consist of a plastic two litre (three to four-pint) bag, a one metre (three foot) tube, a 12cm (five to six-inch) nozzle and a small on/off tap to control the flow. The bag is filled with lukewarm water and hung about two metres (six feet) on a hook above the toilet.

The water pressure increases the higher you raise the bag. Gravity carries the water down the tube, through the nozzle, into your rectum. One bag of water may not be enough; to avoid running out, an extra jug of water is handy. As a rough guide, it takes about 15-20 minutes, but longer if your shit is loose.

Hose douches (showers)

Hose douches provide a continuous stream of water under pressure and is an effective way to clear out the rectum, the sigmoid colon and further up. Attaching one end of the hose to the shower or bath/sink taps and making sure that the water pressure and temperature are correct, you slide the nozzle up the anal canal into the rectum and further as required. Unless you have any preferences, water should be body temperature to luke warm. Gauging the correct pressure comes with practice, but as a guide turn the head of water upward like a fountain no more an inch high.

Some hot water systems are not able to provide warm water at this low rate of flow and the only way you’ll get water at the right temperature is with a higher fountain. Be careful. If the water pressure’s too high, this is the classic way to perforate the rectum or colon wall, but this is very rare and monitoring flow and temperature will significantly reduce any risks. This type of douche (or direct plumbing hook-up) also runs the risk of unexpected changes which can be uncomfortable or even dangerous.

A hose is more likely to wash away the protective mucus lining your arse than a gravity or bulb syringe douche. Any infections taken into your rectum (eg: dirty douche equipment) or which are already present can be taken further up where they can be difficult to treat. Again, anecdotal evidence suggests that this is rare, but it does happen and good hygiene will significantly reduce any risks.

Many hose douches comprise a standard flexible metal hose to which a shower nozzle is usually attached. The shower attachment can then be unscrewed and replaced with a douche nozzle, usually aluminium, purchased from gay shops (£10-15). You can also use a ‘Y’ shaped plastic shower hose which is attached to the hot and cold taps, but controlling the temperature and pressure is more problematic. Furthermore, when you take off the shower nozzle it is not advisable to simply stick the pipe up your arse as the end of the tube can be abrasive. A simple solution is to attach the smooth-edged nozzle from a gravity feed douche.

How far to douche

What you want to do sexually will determine how far to douche. The further up you douche the longer you will usually remain clean. Douching to the depth you require comes with practice. Factors to consider include the position of the nozzle, the amount and pressure of water and how long you keep the water inside before releasing it. You have sphincter muscles above and below the rectum and you need to bear in mind that there is sometimes shit above both of them. When douching the rectum, the nozzle or the build-up of water can accidentally stimulate the top sphincter muscle which may relax and let a dump of shit down from the sigmoid colon. This often means that you have to douche again. What was to be a 10-15 minute douche now takes much longer as you have to wash out the area above the top muscle as well as the rectum. With practice, however, you can improve your muscle control and sense how long your douche will take.

It’s difficult to gauge how long you will remain clean. As a rough guide, a light douche (rectum only) may keep you clean for 4 to 6 hours. A heavier douche (rectum and sigmoid colon) is effective for up to 12 hours, maybe longer. Factors to consider include what and when you last ate, to what extent you’ve douched and whether you have any diarrhoea, irritation or infection. The digestive system moves everything along and will affect the time you will remain clean. Occasional muscle reflexes from the rectum to the stomach and small intestine can cause symptoms such as tummy upset and cramps which can affect the speed food is moved towards the rectum.

What to do

If you’re new to douching be gentle and take your time. Follow these guidelines to ensure that you do the job as well as possible and keep the risk of complications or infection to a minimum.

First of all, decide where you’re going to douche. The toilet is usually the best place but wherever you do it remember that pushing lumps of shit down a shower or bath plug-hole isn’t much fun and can upset hotel staff, flatmates or your mother. Some people find it easier to shit naturally before douching but this not essential.

When you’re ready to start, wash your hands thoroughly.

You may wish to lock the door (unless you want someone to watch).

Using lukewarm water will make douching easier and more comfortable. Let the water run through for a few seconds to make sure it is at the correct pressure and temperature. Make sure metal douche nozzles are warm. Using cold water is like throwing your arse into a freezer – the muscles clamp up and can send you into shock.

Smearing a little lubricant on the inside of the entrance of your arse and on the nozzle end will help it slip inside. (As you continue to douche you might need to re-lube).

Relax your sphincter muscles and gently slide the nozzle up the anal canal into the rectum. Without straining, close your sphincter muscles. As you feel your rectum filling with water, you’ll feel the urge to shit. Without straining, take inside as much water as you can before relaxing your sphincter muscles to let out it out together with any shit. Repeat the process until you’re flushing out clear water.

You will probably need to hold the nozzle in place with your hand while you’re douching. When you let the water and shit out, your hand is very likely to come into direct contact with it. This may come as a bit of a shock to you but, however, unpleasant as it may seem, shit is nothing more than the remains of digested food.

If you hurry your douche by perhaps thrusting the nozzle inside or banging it against a sphincter muscle, your arse will register the pain by tightening up or prematurely emptying out the water and shit. These spasms or cramps may mean you’ll experience some discomfort but this is not so much dangerous as unpleasant. Your muscles usually settle down after a few minutes. When you’ve finished you may feel that there is some excess water caught inside. Depending on how much is there, the urge to shit it out sometimes goes away as the colon absorbs the water back into the body. Douching is never fool-proof. Sometimes you can clean yourself out and then find yourself wanting a shit an hour later. There will be other times when you’ll remain clean for longer than you anticipated. Practice and experience are your best guides.

Keeping kit clean

Keeping douche kit clean is an important part of reducing risks particularly if the kit is shared (so especially at sex parties). Use a commercially available sex toy cleaner or you can make up your own solution of 1 part thin bleach to 10 parts water but remember, bleach or bleach derivatives can cause rubber to perish. Clean your equipment before and after use.

Etiquette

Make sure the area is clean when you or your friends have finished particularly if the bathroom/ shower area is shared. If you’ve taken someone back, make sure they know where to douche, and what they should and shouldn’t use by way of bathroom douche and shower utensils. (Remember the fluffy towels).

Recreational drugs

If you’ve taken drugs your ability to make judgements will often be impaired. For example, you might injure yourself when inserting the douche and there have been horror stories of bathrooms resembling sewage farms. Better still, there’s always the one about the guy who douched on drugs and was inspired to paint the bathroom… the hallway… and the bedroom… a fragrant brown.

Hanky codes

Hanky codes

Using hanky codes or ‘flagging’ was established in the early 1970s as a way of letting other gay men know your sexual interests, practices and preferences; eg: a coloured bandana or hanky worn in a back jeans pocket. While the hanky’s colour and/or pattern determines the practice, its location determines how you like/ enjoy the practice:

On the left: active top/ dom (doing it)

On the right: passive/ bottom/ sub (having it done to you)

Around the neck/ upper arm or wrist: if you prefer not to pre-determine a role or you are versatile (active and passive)

While the range is extensive, several colours are the most widely recognised and still used today:

Some of the colours are still used as code words on web app profiles; eg: “…looking for guys into red” and colours are also used in speech, eg: “I’m into yellow” rather than “I’m into watersports.”

Though white cotton is most commonly used, guys into rubber sometimes use rubber hankies appropriately coloured. While some bandanas have detailed patterns (dots and stripes, for example) the prevailing colour is usually what to look out for.

If this isn’t confusing enough, some guys use related accoutrement/ items instead of/ as well (left and right still apply, where applicable).

a chain/ dog collar with padlock around neck (usually bottom)

a metal cock ring or chain worn through jacket shoulder straps

cigar smoking (usually top)

coloured stripes down leather/ rubber jeans legs

red boot laces or braces (fisting)

yellow boot laces or braces (watersports)

a Muir cap (usually top)

rope and handcuffs (bondage)

paddles or whips (spanking and whipping)

rubber/ latex gloves (fisting)

chaps with bare arse cheeks (usually bottom)

bicep and wrist bands

a key chain

UK and USA versions of hanky codes contain differences and, in some cases, contradictions. More obscure codes seem to be more fanciful than real, but you never know. It can be difficult to see hanky colours in dimly lit venues, or in filtered lighting that change a colour’s appearance completely!

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