Thursday, February 9, 2012

Resting...

I have to say I had a bit of breakdown last night. I needed it, really. I have held in my fears and anxieties for the most part for the last couple weeks. I have been strong, and last night I was tired of it. I am scared. I am analyzing everything I do, I eat, and don't do. I don't want to. I want to say I am able to just trust the Lord through this and rest in his Sovereign grace, but not so much. I try to be thankful for each day and take it a day (or moment) at a time, but it is hard.
Yesterday, I had brie cheese. And freaked out after the fact. Crap! I realized, according to the "books" you aren't supposed to have soft cheeses while pregnant. So I get on google and research of course. I know God is sovereign, but I still struggle to rest in that. God knows the days for this child. He knows it all, and I have no control over that.
I also had to go in yesterday to the doctor to get some blood work for proving pregnancy (getting on medicaid...) and it upset me a bit too. I didn't really want to do the bloodwork thing. I wanted to just wait till I was at 8 weeks. Now I worry that I will get a phone call today that my levels aren't looking good. What if I get that call...What if we have to tell SK that she won't ever get to meet her baby brother or sister. I think about how we would tell her. How would she take it? Why am I even going there in my head. Why can't I just be excited like I was when we found out we were pregnant with her. Ugh.

So now I wait to hear from the doctor today. I wait. I did read from the Valley of Vision this morning and found a bit of comfort from that. Allow me to share:

O God Most High, Most Glorious,

The thought of thine infinite serenity cheers me,

For I am toiling and moiling, troubled and distressed,

but thou art for ever at perfect peace.

Thy designs cause thee no fear or care of unfulfilment,

they stand fast as the eternal hills.

Thy power knows no bond,

thy goodness no stint.

Thou bringest order out of confusion,

and my defeats are thy victories:

The Lord God omnipotent reigneth.

I come to thee as a sinner with cares and sorrows,

to leave every concern entirely to thee,

every sin calling for Christ's precious blood;

Revive deep spirituality in my heart;

Let me live near to the great Shepherd,

hear his voice, know its tones, follow its calls.

Keep me from deception by causing me to abide in the truth,

from harm by helping me to walk in the power of the Spirit.

Give me intenser faith in the eternal verities,

burning into me by experience the things I know;

Let me never be ashamed of the truth of the gospel,

that I may bear its reproach,

vidicate it,

see Jesus as its essence,

know in it the power of the Spirit.

Lord, help me, for I am often lukewarm and chill;

unbelief mars my confidence,

sin makes me forget thee.

Let the weeds that grow in my soul be cut at their roots;

Grant me to know that I truly live only when I live to thee,

that all else is trifling.

Thy presence alone can make me holy, devout, strong and happy.

Abide in me, gracious God.

(The Valley of Vision, a Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions)

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That comforted me this morning as I prayed and rested in the Lord this morning. I hate my unbelief. I want to believe. I really do. I feel like the only way to get rid of my unbelief is for Jesus to come back. So with that, I say come Lord Jesus, come. And until that day, let me find moments that I can rest and trust and believe that the Lord is good and loves me and cares and is in control of this little life.

So glad to read your other post and hear your levels were great! I LOVE Valley of Vision!! I got it for Andrew several years ago after a friend reccomended it, and I read from it often. It is so poignant ( I don't know if I spelled that right :) ).

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