A peek at the diary of ... Sheryl Crow

My former fiance, Lance Armstrong, taught me that if you live purely and try really, really hard, you can beat any odds and surprise everyone. Except the cynics. Those idiots are always going to have some suspicion about how you can't actually be a superhero. But the message of my ongoing Save The Planet publicity tour is, you can!

Sure, I was joking about using just one square of tissue each time you go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, I've been forced to admit that I wasn't joking about the backstage rider the press unearthed, in which I demand, among countless other necessities, four crew buses, three tractor trailers and six cars. All I Wanna Do is a big production number, you know? And, like my publicist claimed, it was from "about 10 years ago". Of its time, it would actually have been very restrained. You should see what Shania asks for - she's booking her place in the most globally warmed circle of hell, let me tell ya.

The other big announcement was that I've designed a range of clothing with a special detachable "dining sleeve" that you can wipe your mouth on instead of a paper napkin. Please don't mention cloth napkins. I like to think my invention echoes the apocryphal story about how America spent millions developing a pen that could write in space, while the Russians just used a pencil.

· As seen by Marina Hyde

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