WTF Happened With Jay Z & Solange?

Yesterday, the Internet was served a rare feast when leaked surveillance video of Solange Knowles beating the shit out of Jay Z in an elevator was published by TMZ. Since then, everyone has been trying to figure out what the hell happened down to Beyonce just standing there while her sister goes apeshit. (No Sterling.) Of course, the obvious reason is the Illuminati, but like everyone in the media, I swore a blood oath to Satan to keep that shit a secret, so let’s go with the two most prevailing theories before watching 50 Cent narrate the fight. Yup, you just read that:

JAY Z BEATS BEYONCE

Because obviously all black guys hit their woman, the racist portion of the Internet started pushing the theory that Jay Z hit Beyonce and Solange was just paying that shit forward. Except there’s been absolutely no evidence anywhere to even suggest that’s the case. What there is a shitload of evidence for is this boring and most likely scenario:

Except none of these reasons are more important than what 50 Cent thinks about all this which is it’s goddamn field day. Albeit one he’s been deleting over the past few hours because nothing says gangsta like hoping Jay Z doesn’t get mad about your tweets. Fortunately, ala the Reese Witherspoon incident, the Internet is a master archivist, so here’s 50 Cent commentating the fight in a Instagram video he was too chickenshit to leave up:

For those of you like Photo Boy who can’t understand a single word that’s being said here, I took the liberty of transcribing it for you: “What do you mean I can’t play golf with Donald Sterling? Donald Sterling is fun and easy, you mothafucka, I’LL KEEL YOU!”