Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I like to think that most of my time is spent in productive ways. This may be a bit of an overestimation, but let’s say that 90% of my minutes are spent doing things that I will look back on later and be glad that I did; working, sleeping, brushing my teeth, and the like. But I manage to fill the other fraction with some worthless, worthless endeavors.

Exhibit A will be the two hours I’ve spent in the last week watching Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. Because despite he on and off field theatrics, our little friend Chad is just missing out in the love department. What better way to remedy this lack of romance than by filling a mansion with Botox, silicone, and lycra blends?

I know nothing about the Bengels, I know minimal about the NFL, but I know dating shows. And this show has all the elements of being extremely entertaining. Let me introduce you to a few of the characters we’re working with…

First on the list is Jasmine (a.k.a. Rainbow-cat-claw-fingernails.) On a dinner double date with Chad and some other biddy, she talks up her ability to take care of him. She doesn’t mention that she could use her talons to dig a moat around his house, which is clearly a possibility judging by the shovels on the ends of her fingers. When dinner is winding down, Jasmine senses the need for a closing argument and pulls out the big guns, the fact that she is willing to get dirty with his children and teach them how to do the stanky leg.

…and crickets.

The next gem is Candace. T.O. comes to the party to screen some of the girls and check them out for his friend Chad. (Terrell definitely doesn’t have enough reality TV in his life with just The T.O. Show to keep him occupied, so it makes sense that he would want to step in.) Candace makes the ol’ “my-parents-are-black-I-was-adopted” joke. ‘Cuz how funny is that? Like she’s bleach blond, so ya know, it’s funny.

…and crickets.

And then there’s all the random ladies whose names all end in ‘i’ teetering around the cocktail party dropping pearls of conversational hilarity all night long. One self-described Tom boy explains that she is unique because she's "really kick back, hella chill, but when it comes time I can be a pussycat.”

Or my favorite, the cyclical conversation that went a little something like this:“You’re sexy.”“No, you’re sexy.”“No, you’re sexy.”"No, you're sexy."

Swoon.

And lastly, there’s Ochocinco (that’s 85 in American,) who is a stellar bachelor. He is calm, collected, tattooed, and never afraid to call these ladies out when they step out of line. After one pussycat said she was on the show without her father’s permission, Chad responded with the appropriate, “flag on the field, illegal procedure” call.