Ugly Americans (2010) s02e14 Episode Script

Mark Loves Dick

Showering before bed can be relaxing. But sometimes the stress of work just follows you home. Huh? Ambassador Gary? I'm sorry to break into your home, but I've been diagnosed with inoperable stabberculosis, and I want to enjoy the time I have left. I'm resigning, effective immediately. Really terrible news. We're going to miss you. Uh-- oh, y--oh, wuh. Uh, oh. There we go. Thank you. You may want to take another shower. [Dramatic music] [Screaming] I have some bad news. Derek Gary has contracted full-blown stabberculosis. [All gasp] We need a new ambassador to the fabled underwater city of Atlantis. I thought Atlantis was just a myth. It's as real as El Dorado, Narnia, or Skankville. In accordance with our current treaty, we provide Atlantis with all the pizza they can eat. Delicious. In return, they fight off the biggest ass[Bleep] in the sea, the Kraken, which is hell-bent on attacking Manhattan. But now the Atlanteans are fed up with how much garbage New York's been dumping in the water. Apparently, it's been "clogging" their precious air filters. Gary couldn't have resigned at a worse time. I mean, we're right in the middle of Kraken season. So I'll be conducting interviews for the ambassador position immediately. And, Callie, I'm going to need you to put on some makeup. We want to make a good impression. Actually, I'd like to apply. [All except Mark gasp] Am I right, fell? [All except Mark laugh] [Groans] On behalf of all men, I want to apologize for the most offensive display of sexism I've ever seen. No, Twayne's right. I'd never accomplish anything with my spectacular boobs, legs, and ass getting in the way. That is effing hooey. I grew up watching my older sister Swoozy lose job after job to sexism. People blamed it on her sweating problem. She was born with overactive skunk glands in her pits. But I could see it was really sexism. That's disgusting. Yeah, male chauvinism is disgusting. And I'll be g-darned if I'll let you become its next victim. Mark my words. You are getting that interview. No, the sweating problem is disgusting. [Discordant voices] we shall overcome we shall overcome You guys are really great singers. Thank you, but we're not here for musical accolades. We demand you interview Callie to be the next ambassador to Atlantis. But I just hired him. Meet Dick. You hired someone already? How could you do this to Callie? Mark, it's me. Yes, Dick. Twayne just introduced you. No, it's me. Callie. Callie underwent a sexual reassignment so she could get the position. I chose Dick as my male name. . Your girlfriend's kind of a hunk. Let's give these gentlemen some privacy. Huh? Check it out. Isn't this crazy? Look at my arms. I can't believe you did this without asking me, and, out of all the names to pick, you just went with Dick? [Laughs] I thought it was funny. Well, it's not. It's--it's upsetting. Well, it's-- technically, it's Richard. Why not Ralph or Corey or Beau? Look, I could've named myself [bleep], but I didn't. None has the name [Bleep]! Honey, this is my dream job and I knew that you'd support my happiness. Come on. Give daddy some sugar. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa now. Come on. No, no, no. Hey. What's the problem, sweetie? I'm glad things worked out the way you wanted, but this kind of changes things in our relationship. Why? Inside, I'm still the same person with the same feelings and sexual desires for you. Don't worry, baby. We'll have the next six months in Atlantis to get used to it. Six months? That's how long my first assignment is. And you know I can't go that long without hitting that. Even if I were good with you having a p-e-n-i-s-- Penis. Six months is a long time. I have a job too. Look, women give up their careers for men all the time. I guess I just thought that you were more progressive than that. I am. I support women's rights. But you are a man now, which--that is a woman's choice to make. I'm just-- I'm very, very confused. I think I need to go talk this out with some friends. So, brothers, while I want to be supportive of Callie-- The name's Dick. I can't believe he's already been inducted into the man club. Such broad shoulders. I just don't feel comfortable continuing our relationship on a romantic level because I am straight. Ditching your girlfriend just because she's a he? That's discrimination, Buster. I guess it was all about the body for you. Not the person. I'm very surprised by this reaction. You're not even considering the benefits. I'm becoming very familiar with the workings of the male genitalia, if you know what I mean. Masturbation! [Sighs] Look, we've given you a lot to think about. Grimes is taking me out to Atlantis his boat tomorrow morning. Be at the dock at 6:00 if you want to come with me. And if you don't show, I know it means we're over. It used to be I couldn't help but think about you and me, oh just you and me, yeah, yeah now I wonder will I only be able to think about your penis oh, no Mark's not coming. I guess this erection's going to waste. I wouldn't be so sure, sailor. I stayed up all night thinking about how uncomfortable it makes me to imagine being with Callie as a man. But it also occurred to me how insensitive and selfish those feelings are. Inside, Dick is the same beautiful woman I fell head over heels for. So, Dick, if we can take it very, very Very slowly, I'm willing to give this a shot. Come here, you. Nothing wrong with a hug, I guess. [Slurping and groaning] - No. Ow, ow. No. - What? - There's stubble burn. - Sorry. You guys sure it's safe to fish here? There's a lot of garbage. It's all part of the delicate ecosystem. The fish eat the filthy garbage, which makes them sick and easy to catch. It's beautiful, really. Could someone get my back? Go ahead, honey. I promise I won't get too jealous. Ooh. [Giggles] Your fingers feel like 10 tiny newborn babies kissing my back. Full stop! We're above Atlantis! I'll prepare the submersion device. You're joking, right? - Nope. - [Grunts] Make sure you breathe out the whole way down, Lilly. Don't want to get the bends! [Gargling groans] Nothing to declare. I don't even have any luggage. Just put on these togas. I'd actually be more comfortable in my own clothes. Togas are mandatory, princess. Mark, please show some respect for their culture. Sorry. That mannequin looks like a dead body. It is. Your people just throw them in the water with the rest of your garbage. We recycle them to hold visitors' clothing. Your clothes will be waiting for you on the surface when you go home. Swoosh! Feels like I got a big one. [Gasps] It's Lilly! They killed him. They didn't even have the decency to rob him. They just threw away the body. Somebody should say something. I'm pretty sure his favorite song was Poison by Bell Biv Devoe. Does anybody remember the words? All: No. Wow, this place is huge. I told you this job has perks. You want to break it in? Hmm? I'm not done with the tour just yet. Men's health magazines Testicle washer Silk-lined glory hole this place seems weirdly tailored to men. Uh, I need you to help me with my testosterone injection. I-I've always been squeamish about needles. So where do I, uh-- It works best if it's injected directly into the penis. -- Of course it does. Whoa! Wow. Well, you didn't skimp down here. You know what I always say. Go big or go home. Right. [Chuckles] Well, you're not going home any time soon, then. [Chuckles] No, no. No, I-- just bought the whole block. Ambassador Maggotbone. On behalf of my people, I welcome you to the underwater city of Atlantis. Thank you, your highness. I look forward to beginning our negotiations tomorrow. Allow me to introduce my companion, Mark Lilly. Enchante, Mr. Lilly. Um, thanks. Come. Let's go inside. The pizza's getting cold. I'm rusty. Dude. How much you bench? I'm pretty sure you're missing a verb in that sentence, rusty. Beauty and brains. Nothing sexier. [Swinging big band music] This is an interesting party. Enjoy it while it lasts. Things are going to get tense once our diplomatic talks begin. What I mean is, there don't appear to be any women in Atlantis at all. Wow, Mark, nothing gets past you. Mind if I cut in? Uh, he's all yours, your highness. Can't wait to see how he handles. Oh, ah, oh. Soy. I'm not much of a dancer. Don't let him fool you. Mark was a ballroom dance champion in college. You just need to loosen up. Put your hips into it. [Grunts] See? It's as natural as making love. Now just relax. Dipping! And, yes. Now that you're living here, hope that dip is the first of many. You already got a man. Stay away from mine, bro. Rest in peace, Mark Lilly. You always were and always will be my best friend. Hate to burst your bubble, but Mark was clearly my best friend. Mark hated you guys, but he and I were like brothers. Does anyone else have a locket full of Mark's hair? Didn't think so. Guys, let's not do this. Let's do this! [Grunts] Last man standing is Mark's best friend! Die! Ow! What? This is how much I love you, Mark! Best friends to the end! - Clang! - Ugh! Crack! Splash! Uh, we should probably do something about this. Twayne's right. We should plug the hole. With your fat head! Get his fat head in that hole! Block that hole! Everyone get in on this! Rah! Ahh! [Grunts and punches] Hey, Dick. So, yeah, it's been a long day. So maybe we should just get some shut-eye instead of having sex with our butts. Oh, our day's just getting started. What does that mean? It's time I tell you the truth about why we're here in Atlantis. We're not here to negotiate. One of our spy subs took this picture. The Atlanteans dug a drain capable of emptying all the water around Manhattan. My God. The city would be devastated. Think of the revenue lost from our ports. Plus, where would we throw our garbage? You know, they really have a valid point about the garbage. Mark, we've been over this. If we don't pollute the water, how will the fish get sick? We can't let them pull that plug. Tonight I'm breaking into the king's palace. I'll make my way to the room housing the plug's mainframe computer, and then I'll upload a virus. Unfortunately, I'm going to need the mainframe's security code which is tattooed on the king's lower back. - Oh, weird. - Yes, it is. And someone's going to need to seduce the king - to get that code. - No! Come on. The king's clearly into you. That dance you did? That really turned him on, Mark. It was a cha-cha. It's so simple. I could teach the steps to anybody. You're great at dancing! You should do more of it! I know! Fine. I'll do it. Do I look fat in this? Oh, stop it. You look great. I feel like a fat load in this cat suit. Damn, that was a stupid fight. I can just hear Mark nagging us about talking with words, not punches. Oh, yeah. Real killjoy. I guess being Mark's best friend is kind of like winning an ugly contest. Sometimes I wonder why I even enter those things. We shouldn't fight. We should join forces to avenge Mark's death at the hands of those bottom-feeding Atlantean squid-[bleep]ers. All: Death to Atlantis! [Roaring] Crap. Remember: All of New York is counting on you, so get in there and make that man fall in love with you. Make it hot. Make it sexy. Let's get sensual. Let's get erotic. With a man. Right now! Mark. To what do we owe the pleasure of seeing you right before our pre-bed yank job? Ah, I was thinking about how being a king must be very stressful. So I thought I'd offer to help relieve your tension. You know, now that you mention it, I have been feeling extra stiff ever since you arrived in Atlantis. Rusty? Out! But, king, we always yank together. Yeah, but, I'm sorry, tonight you're yanking solo, buddy. When you let your guard down, I'm going to crush your nuts. May I offer you a sea-gar? These are primo. I'll light mine with yours. [Sizzling] This giving you any ideas? Rubbing the tips together. That doesn't sound pleasant at all, but I'm turned on anyway. I haven't shaved in awhile, so my face is rough. Do you like it rough? Dude, you know it. That's what I like to hear. Hmm, what do we have here? All right. Let's see. Oh. Oh, that shouldn't be here. Huh, I think we can find a use for it. [Laughs] I'm not going to let you torture me sexually before I give you a full-body rubdown. I don't want you pulling something. Well, I might want you pulling one thing. [Laughs] Oh, don't worry about the tattoo. It's just some top secret mumbo jumbo. No problem. I'm just going to focus on these immaculate glutes. Ah! Yeah! Has anyone ever told you that your fingers feel like the kisses of ten tiny newborn babies? Yes, actually. [Dramatic music] Mark, I'm in. The code is "yankjob 69." All lowercase. Mark, hurry back! I'm ready for you to massage my front. Can I leave now? No, we don't want him to feel suspicious. Do whatever it takes to make him happy. Remember, you're doing this for New York's right to pollute. [Growls] [Screaming roar] I don't know what to do. I'm out pee. Hey, Kraken. You hate Atlantis, right? Yah! I say we team up and attack together. [Growls] Hey, big guy. How would you like to eat our friend Mark's dead by as a sign of good faith? That's a good Kraken. Who's a good Kraken? Who's our Kraken? All right. Let's gear up and go bust Atlantis's glass bubble. Group high five! Splash! Everyone meet back at the Kraken! Sorry I was in there so long, your highness. My STDs were acting up 'cause they're big and open and active. [Grunts] Rusty! Not a good time, okay? We were just about to flip the penetration coin. Maybe rusty should say. I'm not going anywhere. I overheard your pretty little thing here talking to his boyfriend, Dick, through the glory hole. He gave him the code to the plug's mainframe. My God. Sound the alarm! [Sirens blare] This could've been all yours. Okay, I've seen way too many penises lately. Dick here isn't even a real man. Come on, his testicles have "Made in China" stamped on them. I changed my gender to go on this mission because we knew a male body would be most appealing to you. Oh, we're plenty attracted to women. To survive at these depths, you need a lot of testosterone. Women would die. You have sex with the people around you, not the people you may want or wish to have sex with at a later time. So why not leave? If you're not gay-- Because Atlantis is a Renaissance city. We're free to study art, literature, and science. We should give that up just to be "straight"? Even at these great depths, you are so shallow. Your highness, when I found out my girlfriend had become a man, I wanted to break up. But I know now it's what's inside that matters, not the packaging. I love this woman. [Crowd sighs] We're the same, you and me. I see that now. Please give us another chance. We won't let you down. [Slow clap begins] [Crowd cheers and claps] Let us Usher in a new era of trust with a traditional rolling up of our togas and shaking of each other's penises. Whoa. Very firm grip, your highness. Mm. Girthy. [Alarms sound] It's the Kraken alarm! [Crowd yells] Battle stations! [Roars] Hey, Atlantis. Before you die, know that it's the friends of Mark Lilly who sent you to your grave. The D.O.I. has teamed up with the Kraken! This was all a trap! Pull the plug! No, this isn't a plot. They're just stupid! [Machinery creaks] [Roars] [Ferocious growl] Mark, you're alive. Yes. And you guys ruined everything. We were on the verge of peace. Actually, now that the drain is clogged with the Kraken, Atlantis has no leverage. We can keep dumping garbage and don't even have to get them any more pizza. Excellent work, team. Let's go home. - Slap! - Oh! That is for breaking my heart. And that's what's waiting for you if you ever come back. That's good to know. What was that all about? He kissed me. Yeah. You kissed back. What do you want me to do? He's the king. You know, Mark, for someone who's really resistant to kissing guys, you kiss guys a lot now. I get kissed by a lot of guys. Just stand there like a cold fish? It's rude. Why don't you go kiss another guy? Here, kiss that guy. Sir, come here. You want to kiss my boyfriend? He's old and gross. Life can be pretty messy. Not everyone comes out a winner. Behold! The fallen city of Atlantis, and give a big New York hello. To the fearsome Kraken. So when you find a good thing, you shouldn't let it go, no matter what. Thanks for everything, Mark. I really do appreciate how far you are willing to go to support me. I still feel really guilty about what we did to Atlantis, but, I'd do anything for you. Although, I will be happy when you have that one last surgery. Sorry. Sorry.