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Everything posted by Loved Mrs T

Dear Sadaf I can only echo what KMB and KayC and others have said. You must be feeling so raw and alone and desperate - the most horrific of shocks.
What a gift of love you both gave and received - you and your wonderful sweetheart - from childhood through to adulthood - to love and be loved in return. I hope this gives you the strength to get through these early days of agony.
Keep coming here - we know and support and sometimes scream with rage. Above all we understand and you are not alone.
With love
x

Hello everyone - my love to you all. Its all so unbearably sad and yet we have to bear it. 7 weeks into the loss of my beautiful soul mate - it feels so much longer....
I take so much from all your posts - I can't be sociable - can't do dinners or nights out and yet I want to be around people who do understand - those who've been here.
Lying on the bed crying for days on end is what you do to get through - this is grief and I've found those who comment negatively on anything I do to get by are usually the ones who have no clue about what we're going through - that's more about them and whilst I'm understanding of ignorance I can choose to ignore it.
My total comfort is that Steve died loved and loving me - KnHedges - your man knew you loved him - that's why he had started to make the changes in his life. Try to eat (I've eaten almost exclusively soup since my loss) try to honour your Dylan by taking care of yourself and your baby. And take it slowly - when I start to climb the walls I hear KayC saying an hour at a time; if not that a minute and if not that a second at a time.
And Chassisdope - how cruel and stupid to say you brought bad luck into your husband's life - he just so wouldn't have thought that - to the contrary I bet he felt a very lucky man to have your love.
Thinking of you and us all.
With love
x

Hello Forever His x
I so get your user name. I'm more of a newbie than you but wanted to post. There's no shame in posting on a site like this - only we know the horror of what we're feeling and I don't think I'd have made it through without this forum. It is so intimate and supportive.
No - no one can bring your love back. Its so harsh it hurts right down to your bones - but you are not alone. All of us here are real - you will read posts from the most amazing beautiful people - it will help. Please keep coming back here.
Get through another night, another day - another hour, another minute. Get through Forever His x.
We are all here together.
With love
x

Hi LvdB So glad you have visited this site - Lost my soul mate on 04th October and life is so scary without my backbone. So sorry too to hear about your mum - I lost mine 3 months before my lovely Steve - its just so completely unfair.
I hope you find the love and understanding on this site that I've found - there are people here who will keep you sane; people here who have lost in circumstances you can relate to ; people here who are real and may become a source of comfort.
Thinking of you LvdB and sending you love and strength for what lies ahead.
x

Hi everyone. Thank you KayC and KMB and everyone - coyotes, vultures yes I know them all - nature and human nature. All your posts have so much resonance with me - I so hope mine give some comfort too?
I've had an alright day today - I'll take them where I can and know my Steve is glad and proud. And in that - all together somewhere George and Bill - wouldn't it be great if they've all hooked up??!!!
Having a few violent fantasies - anger I suppose. The brothers are after some explosive documents (no money - I'm as poor as a church mouse as we say here in England - loads of debts KayC but I don't care - love is and was everything). Thankfully law is on my side. I answer the door with a big stick in my hands - one day it might be them - but bullyies- such cowards - somehow I don't think they'll knock my door.
I love my man sooooo so much and when I'm focussed on Steve, with his bravery and strength - its so powerful. I want to ask the coward brothers - 'what's the bravest thing you ever did in your life?'
Wishing you all a peaceful and calm day/evening.
My friends in all of this. Hugs
x

Chasisdope all love in the world to you - here on this site we know your pain. I have similar family (his family) issues I'm dealing with. On top of the pain you're already feeling its just so unbearably unfair.
Hold on to the thought that you made him happy; you both made your kids happy. Some personalities in a family are unable, maybe through envy; maybe through mental illness; to accept that someone other than them could make your love happy. Do not doubt yourself. It was and is real. Your man died loved and he knew it. Be proud of that and treat yourself with kindness.
Keep coming here - there are voices that will comfort you in your depths my darling.
With love.
x

Hello my friends - I find such comfort here with you. Thanks
I don't live as remotely as you - I'm in a town (but not my home town - London). However without any family; no kids; no parents etc. I might as well be remote. But I am in the home me and Steve shared for 6 happy years - so it is sanctuary - although very tearful (and falling down around my ears!).
Not in a good place today - just been to see a psychic - why did I do this so soon after losing Steve? Feel 1000% worse than I did. She was fine - some quite good out of the ordinary things. But I think she held back on giving me the big gun stuff; maybe they're scared of being insensitive or upsetting you - but hey I'm so upset nothing could make it worse. Just too early and I have to say she did warn me - in my desperation I just ignored her warnings. Live and learn then. A bad day and write it off - KayC you show us all the way - thank you for your posts - it keeps me real.
I keep coming back to this proudness KMB. I know Steve would be proud of me - I'm in a situation where Steve's thuggish brothers are after me. They want some documents I have of Steve's. I'm sticking to a big, fat 'NO! You can't have them they protect my man's memory and reputation'. What do you do in the face of such hatred? I know Steve is bursting with pride at my sticking to my guns - sometimes I'm so strong I'm willing them to knock my door; other times I'm curling up into a little ball. I just love Steve and I miss him; I miss him; I miss him.
I send love to you all in all your trials and tribulations; whatever form they take. We get through; we have no choice.
Hugs and love.
x

Hi KMB and KayC and us all. Didn't manage to pull off the moxie last night that I wanted to - I'll keep at it though.
I've been considering getting a rescue cat - my twenty year old Bonita died in March (what a terrible year I've had). I shall call it Moxie - thanks for the definition. I'm always surprised to come across a new word at 53. New is ok though - everything's feeling pretty new at the moment.
Sounds lovely out there in Oregon - does nature help you all - reminds me we're just little ants crawling about and soon I'll be closer to him when my crawling about finishes - sorry feeling down today.
Love to you all and an easier day tomorrow and the day after. . . .
x

Hello all. Moxie isn't a word I've come across - its a good one though and its been going through my mind since seeing your post. I've been thinking about the strength/moxie it takes to reign in the panic when it bubbles up.
When I first came on this site (I'm so so glad I did) yours and others' comfort to me was to try not to think about the long term picture: 'what I've got another xxxx years without my beautiful love???' And while I've been forcing myself to do the 'day stuff' I realise my mind has been drifting to the long term - and hey I get a panic lump anywhere from my stomach right up into my throat.
So back to basics - stay in the moment - cry/scream out the lumps of panic - say to myself 'early days Mrs T'. This takes moxie. Steve would have so liked this - I can hear him saying 'keep strong; take it slowly; it'll be OK'.
So today and as I inevitably climb the walls tonight I'll honour my fine loving man by trying really really hard to bear this and show myself some strength.
You are all in my thoughts - love and hope to each of you.
x

Hello KMB and everyone. We have so many things in common - not just the loss but the circumstances too. My brave husband was due to see his surgeon the very next day for a pre-op. The crash team were on the phone to him in Barcelona (on holiday!?) while they tried to resuscitate - the timing of it all was so tragic.
I've not connected to guilt about taking my life with Steve for granted yet - but thanks for sharing that. The unexpected feelings I have are quite shocking. Perhaps that's one of the reasons this site works so beautifully - we share and so prepare one another as much as we can.
EternalFlames thanks for reminding me about looking after ourselves - I haven't been - I think all my teeth are about to fall out. My love would not approve - so I'll spend today honouring my dear Steve with meal plans.
One thing at a time my friends!
With love. x

Hello Dear Jackie - just to back up the wisdom of KayC - now you have found this site I hope you find the comfort that I have found here 39 days after losing my love, soul-mate and world. I try to write something everyday - not just here but on my love's tribute website or just lying in bed - a love letter. Just to get the volcano of emotions out for that one minute or, if I'm lucky one hour of feeling. We are all here together; tragically; but together. I hope you continue to visit. Wishes of strength to you and everyone here. xxx

Hello all of you - I've been away for a few weeks to bury my beautiful man. Horrendous abuse from his family - I mean really cruel stuff. Bizarrely it has made me stronger - am I imagining that? I don't know - it doesn't matter. KayC I love your posts - they keep me strong with you seemingly so far along the path and many of us still in the brutal times. Yes all of you please please be kind to yourselves - I act during the day and climb the walls at night, then one more day closer to being with my Steve. One day, one minute sometimes one second at a time. We will get through - no choice. This site is so safe, so comforting - we all know don't we - we all share that horror - but also love too. Thinking of you all. xxx

Dear BrokenVaughan I read your post and saw you had not had a reply and just wanted to send you something. My beloved husband, soulmate, best friend died of an MRSA heart infection whilst waiting for surgery 23 days ago. Aged 51 and me 53 I cannot countenance any kind of future. These are the early days but I have found more comfort on this website than absolutely anywhere else. I feel only here can I be truly understood and I can find understanding from other members.
I hope you post again BrokenVaughan if you need to - you are not alone.
With love
Loved Mrs T

Dear KayC and to all you others sharing this - I just send all my love to you. This is heartbreaking. I really appreciate the one day at a time; one hour at a time; one minute at a time message. Yes - it is too much when you start thinking long term - a panic sets in that is difficult to break out of. After 23 days alone I now have some family around me and I'm allowing myself some distraction from the reality. I feel OK about this. Steve would want me to take comfort from where I can. But there is a feeling of wanting to be by myself again with my memories (and this website) Yes Ilise it does feel safe here doesn't it! Because I have been alone, Steve's family are not involving themselves with the funeral arrangements at all, I have full reign and I'm finding the deep personal involvement very comforting - a labour of love. Steve is having a woodland burial and I am taking the service myself - taking a handle on the hand drawn cart - lowing my love into his hand cut grave. I don't know if you have this in the US? But any newbies like myself coming on to the site - the level of personal involvement is helping me so much and if it can help any of you I'd be so so glad for you.
Thinking of you all tonight (its 5.30am UK time).
With love
Alison

Thank you KMB - I like the ramble - our loves had so much in common. A previous heart infection in 2013 caused lesions on the brain - Steve fitted while out shopping - fell and broke his hip - so hip replacement; heart valve replacement; roth spot in his eye; 112lbs weight and on and on. He survived all of that - we got another 3 amazing years. But he couldn't beat this one. No so not fair!
Hugs to you too -to everyone - I hope you get some breaks in the pain?

Hello to you all - what a horrific thing it is we all share. I've been coming on this site for about a week and I find it a momentary refuge from the most intense anguish since losing my beautiful beautiful husband 21 days ago. My Steve died awaiting surgery for an MRSA type heart infection - he was 51. We were just two days past our 6th anniversary and we were so totally in love. I buried my mum in July - the three of us lived together and now I am here alone. I think i feel him and smell his lovely smell sometimes - or is it that I just want to - it doesn't matter. In those moments he's in my world.
I just wanted to introduce myself to you all and will post more, especially if I feel I can share something, help someone.
I feel for you all and wish you well with what's ahead
With love
The loved Mrs T