Saturday, July 21, 2012

Blogging Haven of Obedience: Chapter One

“You've devoured Fifty Shades. . . Now it's time to lose
yourself in the Haven of Obedience”

Browsing the romance section in
the local bookstore, specifically, the men in kilts section, something special caught
our eye.

[Jab at the fact that the man is
wearing jeans]

However, before we could begin a
frantic, one-handed reading on be-kilted highlanders, we noticed another book. Another book that
transfixed us with horror. “You've devoured Fifty Shades. . . Now it's time to lose yourself in
theHaven of Obedience”
Here we were, a book using the Fifty Shades Trilogy as a sales pitch. Here we
were, a book using BDSM Twilight Fan-Fiction as a sales pitch. We were
instantly hooked.

This book took us on an adventure
like no other, and we took upon ourselves the task –no, the duty- of sharing with the world the
wonder that is Haven of Obedience.
For those new to the genre of clit-lit, prepare to blush, prepare to swoon, and
prepare to master the art of holding a book whilst masturbating furiously.

CHAPTER ONE

Generally books in this genre start off slow, introducing the
characters and their troubled love lives. Haven of Obedience does away with
such unnecessary features of ‘background’ and ‘character development’ and
twelve lines in we already have submissive kneeling and voluptuous blondes. In
between a mixture of tremors and “cruelly delayed climaxes” we learn that our
young (and presumably sexy, yet sensitive) heroine, Jan, has taken a weekend
away at a “select and secret” retreat. Within this one short weekend Jan was
seemingly transformed from a successful, independent woman, into a submissive
cum-slut. We, the readers, rejoice at her new found sexual freedom. You may
also find yourself booking weekend seminars on all manner of subjects, in order
to quickly transform your personality completely and become some form of
superhuman.

The secretive nature of the
society is emphasised when Rob, the host, threatens the patrons with ostracism
if they reveal it to the outside world. After clarifying what ostracism means,
partly for the less intelligent patrons, but also for book’s target audience
(who we can safely assume are not the brightest crayons in the box), Jan has a
near heart attack. She could not possibly go back to her old (read: two days
ago) life of consensual, respecting sex.

The threat of ostracism is not the worst trauma to face our young Jan,
and her crush, Rob, makes it clear that they can not be together outside of the
retreat. The reason for this is because, for him and the other ‘tutors’, the
retreat “isn’t personal” but –and we quote “a job of work”. The statistically most
common form of job.

Despite our mockery of “a job of work” this really does it for our Jan,
and nipples harden left, right but not centre- because this isn’t Total Recall
pervert.

Jan’s satisfaction is made all the more intense by the gentle caressing
of her “v-lined, semi-fitted ribbed cardigan”. For a visual aid, imagine this,
but with more nipple.

After a brief daydream involving “intense orgasms”, “sweat-streaked
flesh” and latex whips, Jan is wet enough to start her own car washing
business, and we have reached the end of page two. Oh my.

During one particularly pleasurable punishment flashback, Jan is
treated to the delight of burgeoning breasts and a swelling stomach. We are
unsure of what this means sexually, but those sound like two symptoms of
becoming pregnant. Oh my.

Jan then exchanges phone numbers with an “amazingly adept lover” and
other sexy-beast patrons in order to arrange an eightsome(?), before departing for
London. By this stage we have received detailed descriptions of Jan’s clothes,
breasts, buttocks, and now soaking wet panties, and have reached the end of
chapter one. The readers are left wondering what Jan’s face looks like.

New Vocab:

“Soft Centre of Her”- Vagina? Or perhaps the Clitoris?

Prediction for Chapter Two:

Jan organises her eightsome, but she is left wanting for more. Wanting
for her Rob.

Disclaimer: To any members of
the BDSM community, we would like to make it clear that we have nothing against
BDSM, and do not mean to cause any offence against it. We DO, however, mean to
insult, offend and shamelessly mock the idea of a “secret society” that takes
regular businessmen and business women, and in the space of one weekend,
enlightens them of the ‘true power of submission’, churning them out like some
form of Soviet propaganda brainwashing camp.

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Rampant Stallion is a collection of the greatest works never published by any self-respecting company. Enter a world of Seductive Stallions, Tantalizing Toothpaste, Aeronautical Aardvarks and many other Alliterative Allegories.

The authors are the forever at peril Extinct Panda, and the slightly drunk (and most likely pantless) O'Malley.