Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I Am In An Abusive Relationship With Myself

Is that even possible? I think it is. When I got in to work this morning I opened up a blank file and just started writing all of the things that I was saying to myself (all the things in my head) down onto the page. This is what I said:

You suck. You really do. You are sitting there doing nothing, freaking out, when you could be doing something. Like reading that motion or writing your motion or some other such thing. You really need to get on it. And while you’re at it, do you think you could take a shower, or not sleep for 12 hours straight or SOMETHING? Okay.

Then a few minutes later:

Okay, now, see how mean you are to yourself. No wonder you have no confidence that you can do this job. You are constantly tearing yourself down in the most hurtful way. And you’re so angry with yourself. I’m so angry with myself. Really, I hate this person that I am right now. In fact, even thinking about this person that I am right now makes me want to turn off my brain. Thinking about any of these things that I’m supposed to be doing makes me start to hyperventilate a little. My throat closes up. Because I am paralyzed by fear that I can’t do this. That I will fuck things up. It’s not good..................

Amazing, isn’t it? First, I emotionally abuse myself, then I feel bad about emotionally abusing myself (I feel bad about making myself feel bad), and then I try to sweet talk myself. This is one fucked up relationship. The worst part is that I can’t leave myself. If I was in this kind of relationship with a man, I would leave him. I would pack my shit and go (I’m pretty sure I would anyway.) But I can’t leave myself. Before you ask, yes I’m in therapy (thank god Stephen works for the City which has amazing fucking healthcare.) Unfortunately I’m down to my last free appointment. So, I’ve been thinking of doing something different. I will let you know how it all works out.

Incidentally, I ran across something recently (I have no memory of where or when exactly) that said depression is often anger turned inwards. That’s me. Anger turned inwards.

2 Comments:

I can really relate to what you are going through. My last job before this, right after grad school, I felt the same way. I was a science librarian and i had no background in the sciences. I think I did okay but I just didn't feel like I was very successful in what I was doing. I would have similar conversations with myself. And I remember days when I would just stare at my computer all day.

I've been trying to get over to people who've commented on my blog more often, so here I am. Sorry I'm so pathetically slow. (Is "pathetically" a word?) Anyway, I totally believe that depression is anger turned inward and I started feeling a LOT less depressed when I started getting that anger OUT! I am still working on being verbally/emotionally abusive toward myself. I notice that I often use the same abusive words that were hurled at me when I was a kid. We've got to break the cycle and stop the madness! Thanks for sharing this.