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Say My Name.

The above clip is featuring fictional character Walter White played to perfection by Bryan Cranston, from perhaps the greatest television series of all time…Breaking Bad, and the above clip is the perfect introduction into arguably one of the most controversial subjects I have ever built up the courage to address…

One of the personal objectives I set for myself when I started writing this blog, was never to shy away from any topic that flirted with my attentions. Truth be told, I don’t know if I have used the written word as the most effective form of execution but I have touched on issues relating to sex (What Is The Magic Number & An Extended Conversation) race (We Are All In The Human Race) and addiction (Might As Well Face It You’re Addicted To…) however this topic will require all the literary finesse I can muster because I am going to attempt to offer insight into a problem that will never garner a solution.

Recently, a casual acquaintance of a similar cultural heritage referred to me using the “n” word. Their purpose was not to cause offence, in fact the individual concerned thought it to be a term of endearment. I understood both the intention and context but instinctively it was difficult to digest, so like Walter White I had to assert myself and state why I never want to be addressed using this term despite the fact that some of my favourite Hip Hop songs freely use this terminology.

At this point it would be easy to turn the tide of this post into an issue related to postcolonial racism, but that really isn’t the issue…at least not for me…

The problem wasn’t the use of the “n” word, but the nonchalant assumption a casual acquaintance made, based on physical characteristics, which somehow allowed this passing stranger to feel too familiar, too soon. It almost felt like he came into my home, without invitation, walked into my kitchen, took my favourite snacks from the cupboard and then went to lie on my sofa.

Living within the multicultural metropolis that is London I am regularly exposed to almost every category of human being imaginable. Once upon a time when I worked in London’s heartland of cinema (more popularly known as Leicester Square) and the cinema-going audience coming through those doors were just like that box of chocolates Forrest Gump made reference too.

Working in an environment that was so diverse meant I was directly and indirectly exposed to social conversations between families or groups of friends and I began to observe that if particular groups felt they had a shared commonality of experience, there seemed to be more freedom to use what some might describe as derogatory language.

I witnessed first-hand groups of gay men playfully calling each other “f*g*”, I’ve overheard women lovingly use the term “b*tch” with one another and even heard a group of young Chinese friends laugh as they called each other “ch*nks”

Whilst being exposed to such explorations of language, never once did I feel any desire to “get in on the action” and use any of these (so-called) terms of affection because I’m pretty sure if I gate crashed a party of gay friends and casually called one of those men “f*g*” the response would not be so favourable.

I have no issue with anyone who wants to explore, change or redefine words on their own terms because language is for everyone and different collectives of individuals use certain terms because they have a shared understanding culturally or socially within the group. Similarly, just because a woman might be okay being lovingly referred to as a “bad b*tch” by her significant other, doesn’t mean I should (ever!) feel confident to try it with mine…

Why?

It all comes down to the individual relationship and understanding people develop between one another in the way they choose to communicate…and that is the key. Once an understanding has been built up between a group or single individual there is unlimited freedom to use language in the same way Lady Gaga once utilised fashion. Being individual doesn’t get lost because people share similar character traits, lifestyles, genders, sexuality or ethnicity so it’s probably best to start with trying to find out their name.

If I want to get to know you, initially I must find out what your personal preference is and if you feel inclined to do the same then a simple “hello” is a good place to start and if you want to use a term that I am most comfortable with, it’s easy because that is the name my mother gave me and Erykah Badu suggested you should call…

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11 thoughts on “Say My Name.”

I understand the impulse to detoxify attack words and use them, and I was about to write that I’ve never been comfortable with it–definitely not if I’d be crashing the party, as you put it so well, but not with the groups I’m part of either. Then I remembered that the word dyke, which I am comfortable with, was detoxified long enough ago that I forget it was ever poisonous. So: It’s not simple topic.

I would also never use a word that was outside my own culture or sexuality to address someone within it. People using it inside their own social or familial spheres is different but as you say, it is better if people get to know each other first (and that in itself can take longer then one expects it to).

What I would like, though, is to see those words written without the asterisks. 🙂 To my mind, if you’re gonna say it, you’ve gotta say it.

Love this post. I recognise this, being a woman and having had girls I didn’t know too well or even girlfriends say bitch or cunt “endearingly”. I hate it. It’s not so much that I have a problem with that people use derogatory terms for one another if both agree with it – I have a problem with the fact that people assume it’s OK. I guess when we’re not OK with it, it’s up to us to let our friends and acquaintances know. On the other hand, I can’t help but also see it as part of a general trend in (at least) the west, characterised by a general lack of respect (I can’t explain further, it’s just a feeling I have).

Thanks Rosanne, your comments mean a lot 😊 I think when people use derogatory words as expressions of affection, I think it does say something about western culture at large. While freedom of expression is great, I still prefer using names as my frame of reference. 😃