Relationship Advice From 5 Best-Selling Romance Novelists

They oughta know.

By
Rachel Kramer Bussel

Jul 10, 2014

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Who better to ask relationship advice of than romance novelists, who tell love stories for a job? I asked five best-selling romance novelists what they've learned about love, on and off the page. From how to spot a keeper to how to keep a relationship spicy, these happily married writers share their best advice.

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1. Watch how he treats the waitress.

"One really interesting thing that you see in Jane Austen novels, such as Sense and Sensibility, is the heroine judging the hero by how he treats the servants. It can be very subtle and is something we often overlook; we'll look at his abs or his bank account, but if you pay attention to how people actually treat those who are underneath them, it can be really eye-opening. It's important to look at this before you get into a long-term relationship. If somebody isn't treating, say, their housekeeper very nicely, the day will come when they don't treat you very nicely either. We see people interacting every day with the barista at Starbucks, the gas station attendant. We want an alpha guy, but if they're just routinely rude then I think that relationship you have with him can be very fraying and soul-destroying."

"I met him my husband when I was two semesters from graduating. I figured I was at a point in my life where I was not going to meet anyone in college. We got engaged when I was 24 and married when I was 25. My husband was (and is) a very confident kind of old soul; he knew himself and knew exactly who he was. Similarly, the hero of my first New Adult novel, Foreplay, is 23 years old and very self possessed and confident, because that's what's appealing, regardless of age. In the South girls talk about their MRS degree; that was never my goal. You can't rely on the fact that you're going to get married and have someone take care of you. I think there's nothing wrong with admitting you're looking for love but at the same time, be self-sufficient."

"The most important thing I would impart is that communication is key with any relationship. He's thinking that she knows what he means because guys speak in shorter sentences; men have a tendency to not be good communicators because they don't communicate emotion as well as women, whereas women have a tendency to communicate the emotions but not the thought process behind them. If you're completely and totally in love with this person then I think you need to be 100 percent open and honest. If you're just in the initial stages then you probably want to hold some things back until you're sure about that person."

"The best piece of advice I can give is to always put yourself in your lover's shoes. See the world through his eyes. Even go as far back as imagining him as a child. I do this even more now that my husband and I have boys of our own. It reminds me that my husband used to be that way too, and deep inside, beneath his adult identity, still is. It totally makes me feel more tender toward him. So when I feel myself hardening for whatever reason, I get into his shoes. Perception is reality, so if I know how he sees the world, I can make a connection. I can talk to him, I can forgive. I see the boy, I see the man — what he wants, what he fears. I see his capacity for love, giving and receiving it. That gives me the clarity and compassion to get past whatever fight we may be having. The same is true for my characters."

"Talk dirty and share fantasies. Orgasm begins in the brain. There needs to be something from the man other than, 'Let's get undressed and have sex.' Talking is a very good way to get in the mood because when you're speaking with your partner, that builds intimacy, and I think women need more emotional intimacy than men do. Start out slowly and be honest. Don't just give a stale recitation, such as, 'My fantasy is to have sex in a public place.' It's almost like roleplaying. You want to be more descriptive. Maybe, 'You and I are out walking in the park and we come to this wooded area where no one can see and you pull me off the path and start to kiss me.' It's the same principle as phone sex only you're doing it face-to-face as foreplay."

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