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I’ve had more compliments paid in 4 days than I have in at least 5 years. Plain, honest compliments-people liking my sense of humor, admiring my ability at something or other-it doesn’t really matter what.

Feeling valued nearly puts me in tears. Realizing how long it’s been since anyone has made me feel this way makes me want to cry even more. How can a person live like this? How could I go for years with only the voice in my head telling me who and what I am?

My self talk had become so fucking toxic-a constant reminder that I’m a fuck up, that I can’t possibly be loved, that I’m not as smart as I think I am. This merry go round upstairs, making me dizzy and so bloody depressed. Lonely.

It’s lonely to live by yourself like that, to be the only one believing in you, to feel a desert around you. I feel like a drunk having her first drink after ten years on the wagon-I can just lap it up, feeling a glow start inside me at the thought that strangers might actually just think I’m funny or interesting or neat to be around.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt like that-so long since I felt worth something-anything-to someone. It feels cheesy to take such pleasure in it, but at the same time, I ache knowing I’ve gone so long void of anything like this.

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6 Responses to “Thursday”

Internalize that wonderful support. That’s what your internal voices SHOULD be telling you.

You ARE funny!
You ARE smart!
You ARE a desirable woman!
You ARE a person other people want to be around!

And the fact that you are batshit crazy TOO is no different than the fact that another woman may have herpes. (analogy: lots of people have it, it’s something everyone carries shame about, not something you need to open a friendship with, “you’re fun to work with and I’m having a great time at this training, oh, but I have to tell you, I have herpes.” ) It’s nobody’s business unless it is. And, it doesn’t mean you are diseased and gross. It just means your crazy.