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I recently found out I am positive. To be specific on April 21st at 3:16pm, I know the time because I looked at my watch before I went into the room to get the news. I don't think I will ever forget that time and place. I couldn't believe it when it happened. I couldn't even cry, talk or anything. It actually didn't hit me fully until I got home. Since than I feel like my moods switch every moment. I am living in a city where I know few people. I moved around a lot in a year, so my family is around 3,000 miles away, my friends are all over. And the few I have here, well they are great but its a lot to take on from someone that they have only known for 7 months. I just feel overwhelmed 75% of the time and the other time I am just here. I dated someone while I was negative that was positive for a year and a half. I did not catch the virus from this person, it happened 8 months after. Can't believe, how could I have stayed neg for so long and than wham, it changes. And now I am left alone dealing with. I do have my family, I told them the day after when I drove from Texas to Michigan. But there is a difference between talking to them on the phone and being here alone the rest of the 23 hours of the day. I feel alone and I constantly think I am going to end up alone. I had met a great guy when this all happened, and when I told him what had happened, he said initially that it didn't make a difference, and that he was still happy we had met and that he had thought of me every day. He kept talking to me the entire drive north (a day and half) but than when I got back to Texas, he was gone. I only heard from him here and there. And now its more awkward than anything. And he helped me so much at first, but now I just feel like this disease is defining me. I don't want to give up on life, but I also don't want to go through everything on my own. And i am afraid of the meds and the side effects and becoming whatever. I don't know maybe its vain, but still scary. And I found out today Meds will have to be started soon as i got my first blood tests back and I have a 365 TCell and 116,000 viral load. This scares the hell out of me too, as I thought I would have so much better since I don't think I have had this long, as I tested negative in Sept, Jan, and March. And to be honest I don't know even what this all means. And I keep looking at the drugs and I don't know what they mean. And I am sscared I won't be able to afford them as I have been told I don't qualify for assistance with some programs because I make too much money. Never thought I would hear that. But my debt is so large I don't have hardly anything, since my ex basically cleared me out. I would take any comments on this, i just need to understand and start feeling normal, if that ever comes again, as it didn't seem to with my ex, who just decided to sleep around alot, drink and do drugs

Welcome, I'm glad you're here, but I'm sorry there's a need for you to be here.

I know you feel alone right now, but you're not alone, you have many friends here.

You were just diagnosed, so I know you are overwhelmed. I was too. But I can tell you unequivacally that it DOES get better.

Your numbers are not catastrophic so dont let that get you down. The meds are amazing and act fairly quickly at getting your VL down (click on my profile for one example of many). Your gonna be just fine! But for right now jsut take it one day at a time.

You stated you dont qualify for assistance, are you referring to ADAP? You need to get in touch with a Caseworker at your local ASO. They can be very helpful in directing you to all possibilities.

I'm a fellow Texan (San Antonio), if you need a Texan to talk to feel free to Pm me.

Glad you have found us, though as WillyWump said, sorry that there is a need for you to be here. I guess most if not all of us can resonate with what you said about the shock of finding out about your diagnosis, the mood swings, and just feeling overwhelmed. But you are not alone, and here you will be able to access some excellent information. Also, don't hesitate to ask us if there is anything in particular you need to know - or indeed if you just want to post about how you are feeling: there are very knowledgeable and wise people on this forum.

You may be having all sorts of feelings about what this is going to mean for you in the future. What you said about the guy you had been seeing suddenly no longer being there for you rang all sorts of bells with me, as pretty much the same thing happened to me when I was diagnosed. But the disease does not "define you", as you put it: you have not suddenly become just a virus; you remain who you are, with all the gifts and potential you always had. Your life is changed, certainly, but it is not ended.

I know it probably doesn't seem like that to you right now; but please believe me when I say that HIV is a manageable condition and that there is no reason why yours should not be as full a life as anyone else's.

We're sorry to hear about your news even though we are glad you have found your way here. Right now it's clear this news is enormous and overwhelming. That's understandable. But it won't stay that way. Gradually HIV is going to a part of your life but by no means all that your life is going to be about about.

It's going to take a bit of time to sort things out. Of particular importance is that you have a doctor who will watch your numbers and with whom you can form a good working partnership to keep you healthy. Bit by bit you are going to learn whatever you need to do to keep yourself healthy. And yes, that can be done. I promise you.

The fellow you were seeing -- well, that is a disappointment. He may yet come round, but if he doesn't you are still the whole person you were before you tested positive and there are plenty of men who are going to be ok with your positive status. Give that some time as well. In all things you don't need to feel like you have to rush and find solutions.

Meanwhile you are always welcome here to talk about what's going on and to ask questions about anything that's on your mind. You will find knowledgeable and experienced members here who will be glad to give you a helping hand.

For what it's worth I was diagnosed in Nov 09 so I know exactly how you feel. The people on here are fantastic, they have a wealth of knowledge and compassion. My advice is to spend some time reading past posts on this forum, it certainly was a massive help to me and gave me so much reassurance. Use the forum to ask any questions you have, you won't get better information and advice anywhere else.

Hello thereI tested poz on 17 March - and I was devastated! My counts looked really bad, i had PCP and i thought 'oh well, this is it, my life is over'. Since i started my meds, everything is looking rosy - and altho i havent told too many ppl (in fact, only two) - i'm coping with it - and this site has helped a helluva lot. Dont lose faith or hope - all you have is a chronic condition - it's not a death sentence and as long as you stay healthy (and yes, that is up to you!) you'll be absolutely fine. You're no diff than someone with say a heart condition or diabetes - in fact, i sometimes think we're better off. I have a friend who cant walk - am i really worse off than him? ALL THE BEST

You are not alone as long as you are here. We are all from vastly differing walks of life and will gladly help you in any way that we can. If you need anything we're constantly on here...no I mean it constantly. Okay that might just be me.

Hello thereYou're no diff than someone with say a heart condition or diabetes - in fact, i sometimes think we're better off. I have a friend who cant walk - am i really worse off than him? ALL THE BEST

It is not the same. People who has heart condition / diabetes / cancer can tell the whole world they are ill. But HIV is different, it's infectious and it has a stigma. It's an STD for most cases in developed countries. Can you really tell the whole world that you have HIV?

We all know how tough the fact is -- most neg people don't want to date poz, a lot of countries don't issue work visas to HIV+, etc

It is not the same. People who has heart condition / diabetes / cancer can tell the whole world they are ill. But HIV is different, it's infectious and it has a stigma. It's an STD for most cases in developed countries. Can you really tell the whole world that you have HIV?

We all know how tough the fact is -- most neg people don't want to date poz, a lot of countries don't issue work visas to HIV+, etc

I want to be strong but I feel so weak when I'm facing the truth...

I'm made of sterner stuff than this. While it's true I don't disclose to people who don't need to know, I'm very upfront in telling people who have reason to know that I'm positive. I don't advertise, but if someone's reaction to my status is negative, honestly they're not worth my (or your) time. I don't mind educating anyone, but it's just another form of bigotry on their part. Pre-diagnosis I would fool around with positive guys with no qualms and I expect the same from others now that I am positive. I promise you the head I gave and the kissing had nothing to do with my own infection. It's up to us to dispel the myth of any sort of "ease of infection" and be educated on the different facets of our illness. Don't let this virus change you or it's already won.

I've never kept it hidden. I mean I don't go around screaming "I'm poz"; but I've always believed if someone has the balls to ask, I can surely reply truthfully, about whatever - including the HIV. sure I've encountered some stigma, but I can get that, living down here in SC, from just being out about being gay too. I've always taken the tack that "if you ain't paying my bills, i could care less what you think of me or how you want me to behave in public". My personal belief is that being ashamed of it only reinforces the stigma. sure it take balls to be out about being gay and to be out about being poz; but it's just another one of hundreds of damn diseases on the planet and I've got no reason to be ashamed of being human and having a disease.

of course, your mileage may vary.

Logged

leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the seaand the party is on fire around you and meWe're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes- Pet Shop Boys chart from 1992-2015Isentress/Prezcobix

Welcome and sorry that this is not a forum for lottery winners, but it is what it is. I went a very long time until I had to start meds and truthfully I am relieved I did. The veterans on here can will tell you that the old drugs were hell on the body but the newer ones are so much better. I consume three pills a day and work full time at very demanding job. Please don't let this define you!Peace,Billy

I appreciate everyone's response. I am going through this everyday, and its been taking me a lot to respond. There are some things that have been mentioned, such as the PCP comment. No idea what that stands for unless your talking about the drug. I don't know what kind of meds to take out there or how you know what ones I should be looking at. I am pretty concerned with the cost and the side effects, can you still work when you start them?I have been trying to be strong for my family, but sometimes I am just lying to them. I am telling them I am fine and I have a good frame of mind, than I hang up the phone and break down. With the comments about dating, see I dont know what to think. I know that I dated someone that was HIV positive when I was negative for quite a while, so you would think I would be more understanding about everything, but damn is it different. And while I dated someone Poz really I wonder if I am the abnormal one. Its not that I need to be in a relationship right now, but I do wonder about the future. And do you just only date other pos people and how does that work out. I know lots do because it makes them more comfortable I suppose, but how do you find someone that is without saying hey are you poz cause I am. Damn I don't know.Mostly right now I am scared I am not going to respond to meds, I have been having nightmares about it for the past three days. Its not that I am scared to die, I am scared to not live my life. I haven't done so much and I want to do. I am done waiting but I am afraid of all this limiting me.

And with telling people, I have told the most important people in my life. And I talked to anyone I was with over the past 6 months because I thought it was the right thing to do. I am just scared to be gossipped about now. But I am afraid when I am out to talk to anyone, I get hit on and all that, but I am really too afraid to say anything back. Because I don't want to hurt anyone, that is my biggest fear. But I also don't want to feel like I can never speak again either, for fear of rejection based on HIV or persecution

There's a lot to get a handle on when you are first diagnosed. Have you found the lessons on this site yet? http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Introduction_4702.shtml . There's a lot of distilled wisdom on how and when to disclose, when to start meds and what to take...They are laid out in an easy to read manner and can help find your way around what probably feels to be pretty alien terrain.

Dear WhySoUnfairI didnt mean it's the same in terms of telling ppl about it - i just meant it for your benefit. Yes, it is a stigma. And YES, it is unfair. I got it from my ex husband who was actually gay and cheated on me. Life is a complete bitch sometimes, that's true. But you know what? There's nothing you can do about ur status. All you CAN do is keep your body and your mind healthy. And you CAN TELL LOTS OF PPL - on this forum!! Maybe not all your friends etc, but remember: ppl are only judgemental becoz they are uninformed. I'm seeing a guy, we've been together for over a year and decided to not have sex until we get married (thank God for that...) - and his mom (only him and his mom knows about my status) suggested we BREAK UP - mainly coz she was convinced i only had 10 years to live and that i could infect hiim just by touching him. Now that she knows all the facts, she is loving, caring and supportive, and so is he. Ppl will just need time and information and they wont reject you - if they love you i can almost PROMISE you they'll support you. And just look at what Obama did for the US - lifting the stupid ban on HIV ppl entering the country. RE the drug choices: have you been referred to a clinic /HIV specialist? They'll help you to make the right decision. HIV drugs are available free of charge from some clinics - find out about that.RE working when you start the drugs: i was booked off for a month, but only stayed home for a week coz i started feeling so darn healthy i didnt see the point! So yes, if the side effects are manageable (and they are...for every effect there's help. You say you feel weak when you're facing the truth, but my friend, the truth is: YOU ARE FINE!!! You will be fine. It's not a death sentence anymore - ppl give birth to healthy babies, have wonderful relationships and die of old age altho they are HIV positve, all it is is a pain in the butt coz you must take meds:))) and i say this jokingly and lovingly.. Are you religious at all?

By the way, i had PCP - that's how i found out i was poz. My experience with it: lost a good couple of kg's, had a cough for MONTHS - started off as in the mornings only (I quit smoking, thinking that was the cause....) and later on i literally cudnt speak without coughing ALL THE TIME. couldnt walk 3 steps without gasping for air. Very dry cough, almost never any phlem. Your lungs (on xray) will appear white instead of the normal black. It's like having double pneumonia. Oh and its normally comibined with horrible night sweats. Thinking back now, i actually cnt believe it took like 4 doctors to put 2 and 2 together...

And I am sscared I won't be able to afford them as I have been told I don't qualify for assistance with some programs because I make too much money. Never thought I would hear that. But my debt is so large I don't have hardly anything, since my ex basically cleared me out.

Even if you were qualified, there are still long waiting lists in many states. Let's say the meds cost $2,500 per month (I get the info from some commercials) and you will live a "normal" lifespan for another 50 years. $2,500*12*50= $1,500,000 -- go to Trump Tower on 5th Avenue and choose a 3br apartment!it's so heartbreaking by just thinking of all this shit!!!

You say you feel weak when you're facing the truth, but my friend, the truth is: YOU ARE FINE!!! You will be fine. It's not a death sentence anymore - ppl give birth to healthy babies, have wonderful relationships and die of old age altho they are HIV positve, all it is is a pain in the butt coz you must take meds:))) and i say this jokingly and lovingly.. Are you religious at all?

I know your pain! I know it's not only from the infection but also from the betrayal. does it help if I were religious?

It is not the same. People who has heart condition / diabetes / cancer can tell the whole world they are ill. But HIV is different, it's infectious and it has a stigma. It's an STD for most cases in developed countries. Can you really tell the whole world that you have HIV?

We all know how tough the fact is -- most neg people don't want to date poz, a lot of countries don't issue work visas to HIV+, etc

I want to be strong but I feel so weak when I'm facing the truth...

The scariest thing is that other people want us to die (some would even euthanize us since ''too much money is spent on HIV medication that cannot cure the disease''). No matter how many times you say ''with cd4 cells in normal range you can live almost full lifespan'' they will reply: ''no, you're gonna die in 10 years''.

General public is ignorant.And you cannot teach them anything, it's easier to teach a parrot how to speak French.

Ok I don't live in a state with a waiting list on meds but what is the usual cost you are looking at per month? I do have insurance, but not sure what co pay is or anything and recently got a new job so I am switching carriers. I haven't seen any commercial with saying I am going to be paying $2500 but maybe I am wrong

Ok I don't live in a state with a waiting list on meds but what is the usual cost you are looking at per month? I do have insurance, but not sure what co pay is or anything and recently got a new job so I am switching carriers. I haven't seen any commercial with saying I am going to be paying $2500 but maybe I am wrong

Hi, my name is Clay. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. A lot of us share this same illness. We will be here for you. You must go out and find a clinic in your area that offer the meds on a sliding fee scale. That way you will qualify to receive the meds. You must take your medication and take them everyday on time. Eat right and exercise daily and you will be fine.

Most of us here had fear of the unknown's too and the obstacles ahead.I was diagnosed in 2005 after a year of weight loss, but otherwise feeling just fine.I had been tested too, over the years, and was pretty use to hearing "you're test came back neg".So actually with my weight loss I was thinking more of a cancer than aids, but I got the hiv test on my own first off when deciding the route to take to look into the weight loss.

Hearing your pos, your mind wants to insert the word neg, because I was so use to hearing that.So naturally right away I wanted to know how bad positive.It took a few more weeks getting into a doctor, then a few more getting results, so that wait was the worst.

Flash forward to now...Well its been almost 5 years and I really don't think of being hiv pos much.I started epzicom and sustiva meds back then. Still on the same pills.I became undetectable (no virus detected) pretty fast. Like on my 3rddoctor follow up (so will you Id wager).I gained all (and then some) of my weight back within maybe a year or so.Today im still undetectable since meds, and my cd4 is up to 600. % way up too in normal range.

Pretty much things are back to normal. Im older than you, 57, so the little aches and painsand that stuff I don?t know whether to blame the meds, hiv, or just getting older.Everyone else I know at my age and not hiv pos has it a lot worse than me, seems like, as far as to getting up there past 45 and aches and pains.

The meds from my experience are not that bad. The first 2 days were the worst butmostly because of my own mind playing games, like a panic attack type thing,when I suddenly realized I was worrying way way too much for nothing.I felt a little woozy from the side effect, but only for less then a week.That was about it as far as side effects.And if you read the possible sides for epzicom they scare you to death.Like having a reaction and dropping dead! Just one of the sides from epzicom.None really from the other meds except the woozy feeling and some havediarrhea issues. I never did.But as to epzicom, I dont think they even give it now for first timers.

My status back then was a viral load of 500,000 and my cd4 was like 85.So Im lucky I never had the Pneumonia. And even with my bad numbers back then, I felt good. I just seemed to have low energy periods a lot.

So just accept this as the burden everyone must carry in life. Im mean, everyone seems tohave a burden in life. It may be medical, financial, parents, your dating situation, work and job, seems its always something.To me and for me, this burden Id rate as one of the lesser burdens thanmost of your average guy (or girl) burdens out there. The meds are pretty first rate. They will and do work. And its totally true that if you stick to taking your pills as you should every day, you will live a long long normal life.Someday youll buy your first house. Find that special guy. Maybe have a gay wedding.Pay property taxes. Gripe about high taxes, cost of food, noisy kids living next door.Yes! All that can easily still be yours to enjoy.In fact, so much so, that no one will really ever know you are hiv pos, except those you tell and your doctor.

I know a lot of other burdens medically that I would NOT trade hiv to have.Like diabetes for one. My brother-in-law is my age, has diabetes, has to take shotsdaily, and still has a terrible time. He lost most of his right foot in diabetes relatedissues, toe by toe, then now parts of his one foot. He can hardly walk. Wears a hugeover sized shoe to keep his feet hopefully from getting worse. Has sores all over his arms.

So in the past when I felt sorry for myself and having hiv, I can always find someoneelse in the family that is my age, not hiv, but has a lot worse time in life.

There is no reason you can not find someone special that will be with you, despiteyou hiv status. Heck? a lot of those stud hunky guys out there are probably hiv postoo, and been on meds for years. You can never tell.

My rule book on living with hiv would be:1. Get on meds.2. Stay and take your meds daily, never missing a dose NEVER EVER NEVER!3. Be nice to yourself. Eat healthy. Get your sleep. Youre # 1.4. Dont fret about being hiv pos so much. Just go on as usual.5. Many others non-hiv have life a lot worse !!!

Thats about it for most people. And dont blame or think hiv is going tomean no love life or no love in your life. The very guy you want so bad justmight to turn out to be hiv pos too. You never know just by sight.Take care and give em hell !!!

PS.. I hope the cost part works itself out. Get assistance where you can.And you might need to take drastic actions, like looking into going ondisability to qualify for treatment and meds, or moving to a more health issuefriendly state. Or looking into a different job with better medical insurance. I really dont know the options since I have always had pretty good company insurance that pays most the bills for meds and doctor check-ups (knock on wood).

Im just telling you what I know now... And wish Id known back then in 2005.That life is not over. And two pills a day is pretty nice given the alternatives.I just soooo wish treatment had been around for all those other aids folksthat did not have hope. If I had a time machine, thats the first and onlything Id do. Go back to 1980, bring a bottle of all the meds, and tell thescientist to go at it duplicating.

I found out I was poz on April 1st, this year. I've been through and am still going through the emotions. I found this board to be a great source of comfort, and I joined a support group locally. I am sure there is one in Dallas -- find it and make contact with them. They are a tremendous resource to use. If I Goggled correctly,

I will be starting meds next week -- my CD4 count is 190, my VL is 217,455. My doc is waiting on the genome test results before determining which meds to start on. She did have me start a med called Bactrim, to prevent pneumocystis carinii pneumonia (PCP) -- normal protocol for a CD4 count below 200. The genome test is to see if my strain of HIV is resistant to some meds -- I see her next week; by then the genome test results will be in. I am anxious about it, but it is coming. I have insurance so I am not worried about the cost, yet. But it is in the back of my mind.

You will be fine -- everyone I've talked to, and everything I've read has reassured me of that. And, I believe it. It still doesn't take the stigma away, that is something I need to learn to accept and live with, as you will.

I am struggling with the dating portion. There is a guy who is interested in me, but I am not ready to start anything until I start meds, and can deal with that part. I've met some other poz guys from the support group, but that is still new to me. My case manager there told me, amongst many things, to not dwell on this, follow the doc's advice, and to take time for myself. I remind myself about this when my roller coaster goes downhill.

As for telling people, other than the support group, I told my ex-wife and her partner. On the support group note, there were several people there I knew locally, and had no idea they were positive.

I wish you well, and welcome to this board, under these circumstances. You have friends here.

It is not the same. People who has heart condition / diabetes / cancer can tell the whole world they are ill. But HIV is different, it's infectious and it has a stigma. It's an STD for most cases in developed countries. Can you really tell the whole world that you have HIV?

Hello to all of my friends and still want to thank everyone for their comments, thoughts and prayers. I am doing alright right now, I started my meds last week and they are going really well. I actually feel great. I have had little to no side effects and the side effects from HIV (swollen lymph nodes) are almost gone already! I am really happy about it and hoping at my next docs appt I will hear good news!