NSA Memo

NSA Memo-Eric Boshart

Readers, something really weird happened that I thought you all should know about. It’s only right that you’re aware of the NSA hacking us. The NSA has been spying on us ever since our creation, but they did something that they don’t usually do to websites: they notified us via email about their surveillance.

Not only this, but their email also contained alarming information about the website and its overall perceived aura. We at Fool’s Gold believe in transparency, so here is the direct memo they supplied us:

Dear Fool’s Gold team:

Ever since you created the online comedy magazine, we have been tracking your every move, making sure that your empty articles don’t contain a secret language that only the Al Qaeda can understand. We have had analysts attempt to decode your language, and we have concluded that your wording does not in fact contain a hidden language. With that being said, we encountered a serious problem with the magazine. This is the only reason why we are contacting you.

After finding the evidence of a secret language to be inconclusive, we decided to harmlessly take a look at the magazine for its comedy. It gets boring at the NSA headquarters. But what we found was appalling. There was nothing funny about anything posted on the blog, and the well-crafted witticisms you all think you’re creating are actually hollow, unacceptable nonsense. As a governmental organization, we feel the need to somehow protect the American people from this awful site.

I mean, what are you guys doing? Honestly? We should have some type of authority to shut you guys down. Your attempts at being relevant by commenting on social issues on and off campus are total failures. Are you all actual college students, because I’m pretty sure my grandma who I live with could write more relevant articles. For our forefathers’ sake, do something about it.

We even brought in comedian Aziz Ansari in to make sure we weren’t just unfunny people. He read the article about Capstone and threw up on the laptop. He was too nauseous to comment, so we escorted him out. We managed to sketch him throwing up so you can personally view the severity of the situation:

By Katie Mathias

We will continue to monitor your site, and if the comedy continues to prove atrocious, the NSA will petition to the president to quarantine the blog from the internet. Good day.

-NSA

Weird, right? Anyway, we’re glad we got a few views out of the whole thing. Shout out to Aziz!