Episode begins at the "Tool Time" set. Al is standing in front of a small
wall and Tim is sitting in a chair.

Tim:

We're hanging in a light fixture and a heavy mirror. What's the first
thing we need to do Al?

Al:

Find a stud, Tim.

Tim:

And I think we have come to the right place, haven't we? [Laughes]
Al, do you recognize this? [Holds up a razor]

Al:

Your razor, Tim.

Tim:

No, actually it's your razor, Al. I picked it up back stage. An
electric razor can double as a stud finder.

[Tim turns on the razor and moves it up and down in front of Al]

Tim:

No stud there! Actually, Al's electric razor can be a stud finder.
You listen, the sound changes the closer we get to a stud.

[Tim holds the razor up against the wall and moves it to find a stud.
Suddenly he begins to press the razor up against the wall, like he shaves
it]

Al:

[Disappointed] My mother gave me that razor, Tim.

Tim:

Why, did she go back to blades? This razor can not only keep Al's
mother whisker free. It's a handy way to find studs around the house.

Al:

Well, Tim, I also have a helpful household hint. I'm going to show the
audience something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.

[Al walks over to the workbench on which there is a lamp with a broken
light bulb. Tim cuts in and looks directly into the camera, talking to
the viewers]

Tim:

You might wanna keep the children away from the TV set--

Al:

Tim... Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket. You
simply take a cut potato... [He takes a potato] Jam it into the
socket, twist...

Tim:

And in minutes you have thousands of curly fries. A wonderful snack...
[Al tries to cut in] A TV-time movie--

Al:

Tim. I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance. Please do not mock
my potato.

Tim:

"You say potato, I say stupid..." [He laughes]

Al:

Tim, this will work. You twist and pull the broken bulb right out of
the socket. But first you have to--

[Al puts down the potato and turns around]

Tim:

Jam it in the light-- [He takes the potato and jams in into the broken
bulb - and gets electrocuted]

Al:

...unplug the lamp. [He pulls out the plug]

[Opening credits]

Cut to the kitchen.

[The sink is completely full of dirty dishes. Tim and Mark come from the
back]

Tim:

Well, congratulations. You are now the ping pong champion in the
Taylor house.

[Tim opens the cupboard to get a mug]

Mark:

You let me win.

Tim:

I didn't let you win. You got that delicate high slow lob. I lose
concentration before it hits the table. That's brilliant... Where are
all the mugs?

Mark:

In the sink with the dirty dishes.

Tim:

Oh shocks! I want a cup of coffee.

Mark:

Why don't you just wash one?

Tim:

Mark... A man never loads the dishwasher 'till the sink is completely
filled. And besides, I just want some coffee, and all I need there is
something with a handle, and I think the moo cow creamer is gonna
work... [He drinks from the cow] Moo! That's good. That's good.

[The door opens and Jill come home all excited]

Jill:

Hi, sweetie.

Tim:

Hi, honey.

Jill:

Great news. Mr. Preston, you know, the features editor, loved the
research that I did on the weekend get-away story.

Tim:

That's great.

Jill:

He's gonna let me research next month's cover story. I get to work
for a whole 'nother week. I'm so excited.

Tim:

That's great. The cover? You've been working a month and you're doing
the cover? Whats are you gonna do? Tiger Stadium moving? The new
River Front project?

Jill:

Compost! [She kisses Tim]

Tim:

You're not bringing your work home, are you?

Jill:

No, it's industrial compost. [To Mark, kissing his forehead] Hi,
sweetie. Could be the answer to the big... [She notices the dirty
dishes. Tim drinks from the cow] ..garbage problem. Did you not
notice the dirty dishes in the sink?

Tim:

I didn't even notice those there.

Mark:

But Dad, you said...

Tim:

[To Mark] Eat a grape!

Mark:

[To himself] I'm going downstairs.

[Mark leaves. Tim drinks from the cow again and Jill sees him]

Jill:

What are you doing?

Tim:

Moo! Enjoying a cup of coffee.

Jill:

You are sucking coffee out of a cow!

Tim:

That way, I don't have to add milk.

Jill:

You're so pathetic. Listen, listen. I've gotta get this compost
research story done by Friday. So I'm gonna need all the help I can
get. You need to run this house.

Tim:

Moo... Not a problem.

Jill:

I would feel a lot better if you would say, "I'll do the best I can."

Tim:

You want me to say, "I'll do the best I can?" Not a problem.

Jill:

This is a list of all the things that you have to do tomorrow, see?
Now, this is the dry cleaning slip. You gotta pick that up. Then you
go to the grocery store. Here's the list for that. Then... oh, you've
got to make the boys' lunches. Can you put in some celery sticks or
carrot sticks?

Tim:

Jill, they don't eat that stuff. They just turn into vegetable
missiles in a food fight.

Jill:

Honey, I'll be able to relax and work a lot better if I know that
you're back here doing everything the right way.

[Tim, Jill, Randy and Brad are standing in front of the washing machine]

Jill:

Uh, Tim, you know, this is really a complicated deal here. There's
two loads. You know, there's a dark load that needs cold water and
this darker, blue bleach. And the white load needs hot water and the
white bleach. And you can't forget to add the fabric softner.

Tim:

[To Randy and Brad] What time is practice?

Brad:

Fifteen minutes.

[Tim takes the two pairs of pants and slams them against the washing
machine so some of the dirt falls off]

Tim:

That load's done.

Randy:

Thank you, Dad.

Brad:

Thanks, Dad.

Cut to the kitchen, the next day, morning.

[Brad and Randy are eating breakfast, Tim is loading the dishwasher, and
Jill is getting herself ready for work]

Jill:

Tim, where are the boys' lunches?

Tim:

I only have two hands, okay? Load the dishwasher, then I'll make their
lunches.

Jill:

No, no, no, honey. You have to make the lunches and then load the
dishwasher.

Oh, um dad, can I have two dollars for Mark? He's outside
waiting for us.

[Tim gives it to him]

Jill:

Make sure he gets it.

Randy:

We will!

[Brad and Randy leave]

Jill:

Well, at least Mark won't spend the money on junk food.

[Mark enters from upstairs]

Mark:

Dad, can I have a peanut butter sandwich in my lunch today?

Tim:

What are you doing here? I just gave your brothers your lunch money.

Jill:

[To Tim] Well, at least they didn't beat him up for it.

Tim:

You're gonna miss the bus.

Jill:

[To Mark] Okay, honey. Don't worry about it. I'll just give you a ride
to school on my way to the compost heap.

Tim:

Try not to confuse those two, hon!

[Jill helps Mark with his shirt]

Mark:

[To Jill] Would you make the gingerbread house tonight?

Jill:

Oh, right... The PTA bake sale. Um, honey, I think we may have to buy
that at the bakery this year.

Mark:

But you said you were gonna make one with me.

Jill:

I know I did. I'm really sorry, it's just that I'm so busy this week.

Tim:

Hey! I'll make you a gingerbread house.

Mark:

Really?

Tim:

Yeah, and not just some dinky little house, we're gonna... A
gingerbread full service truck and auto service center. Yeah!

Mark:

Wow!

Tim:

Darn right wow! [Grunts] Oh yeah! Argh.

Jill:

[To Mark] Go get your coat!

[Tim starts to wipe the counter with a sponge]

Jill:

Tim, honey. Don't use the blue sponge on the counter.

Tim:

[Grunts questioningly]

Jill:

The blue sponge is for the dishes. The green sponge is for the
counter.

Tim:

What's the difference?

Jill:

Well, you're not supposed to use the same sponge on the counter as
the dishes.

Tim:

So the blue sponge is just for the sink?

Jill:

No, not always. When the blue sponge gets dirty, it gets demoted from
the dishes to the counter. The green sponge gets demoted from the
counter to the floor. [Tim tries to follow her. She takes a new
sponge from under the sink] Then I pull a new one out from here. It
might be blue, it might be yellow.

Tim:

[Gives up and grunts] Argh, argh, Argh, ARGH!

Jill:

Tim, are you gonna be able to handle all the trouble--

Tim:

I'll be able to handle...

Jill:

...because if you can't, I could just--

Tim:

Look, let me do this my way, okay? You know, Jill? I think it's just
about time you saw how effective my way can be. Mark, shall we show
her what's in the garage?

Jill:

[Worried] Why?!

Mark:

Dad fixed the washer.

Jill:

OH NO!

Cut to the garage.

[On top of the washer, Tim has placed bleach and fabric softner in bottles
with tubes leading into the washer. Flashing lights complete this wonder]

Jill:

[Disappointed] What did you do to my washer? Why is it on life
support?

Tim:

I improved it!

Jill:

Un-improve it!

Tim:

Come on, honey.

Jill:

It has lights?!

Tim:

Just for effect. I have revolutionized the laundry care system. Now,
stay with me on this, okay? You're watching TV. You're watching a
little football game--

Jill:

I don't like football.

Tim:

Alright, alright. You're watching an... [Can hardly say this] opera.
And it's thirty to go, alright? You hear the buzzer. [He buzzes] Time
to add the fabric softner. Ohhh.. you don't want to miss that fat broad
with the horns and the high notes spiking the ball, right? You see,
what I've got here? Bleach, detergent and fabric softner. On timers
and tubes. This adds it by itself on a timed cycle. It's about ready
to go. [He looks at his watch] Right about...

[The machine beeps. Jill jumps a little. The fabric softner starts to
flow down into the machine. Jill opens the lid to check on the machine.
She closes it again]

Jill:

[Shocked] I can't believe it. It worked. It actually worked.

Tim:

Did you see, honey, I've got things under control. Have a nice day.

Jill:

[To herself] It actually worked.

Tim:

Have a nice day, honey. And don't sound so shocked. Mark! Mark! [Tim
walks to the workbench with a box with the Binford logo on the side.
He puts his hand on it] This morning I improved the washer, and this
afternoon, I improve the dryer.

Mark:

How?

Tim:

[Grunting] Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. See this? Binford's 20 Ampère density
electric motor. Once I attach that to the dryer, that'll spin so
fast... You know those cowboys in your PJ's? They'll be throwing up
in their saddle bags.

Mark:

Wow!

Tim:

[Grunting] Argh-argh-argh-argh-argh-argh!!!

[Commercial break]

Cut to the "Tool Time" set.

[Tim is sitting in a chair and Al hands him a catalogue]

Al:

I just think we have done Sheetrock to death.

Tim:

"Sheetrock to death!" Didn't sound like you talking, Al. That sounds
like Maureen Binford.

Al:

Well, she is the producer and I don't think she wants to do a show on
Sheetrock.

Tim:

I don't give a Sheetrock what she wants to do.

[Maureen enters from backstage]

Maureen:

People! People! Let's gather.

Tim:

Maureen. There's only two of us out here. I think we're gathered.

Maureen:

Good, okay. Let's confab about tomorrow's show.

Tim:

All set. Tomorrow we are gonna do Sheetrock installation.

Maureen:

Oh, Tim. We've done Sheetrock to death.

Al:

I was just telling Tim--

Tim:

Shut up, Al. What do you want? Electrocute me in a lamp again with a
potato?

Maureen:

No, silly. We already did that. But I do think we should devote
the show to more clever household hints. I'm thinking, "The
Bachelor Corner with Al."

Tim:

Al?

Maureen:

Well, you know. How to get spots out with club soda.

Al:

Yeah, or to use vinegar and water to clean windows.

Maureen:

That's a good one. Or how to iron with wax paper.

Al:

Mm-hmm.

Tim:

Maureen! This is a man show and we give men advice. How to pull a nail
out of your foot. What to do with a severed finger. Men don't wanna
know about ironing.

Maureen:

Well, Tim, a lot of men are single.

Al:

Yes, they are. And wax paper between the folds when you're ironing
really does give you a nice pleat.

Tim:

Thank you, Al. I'll remember it next time we do cross-dressing day.

Maureen:

Okay. Well, I get the feeling we are "simpatico." Yes? No? Maybe?

Tim:

We'll do the Sheetrock installation!

Maureen:

No we won't, Tim. Need I remind you? [She raises her hands]
Producer!

[Tim raises his arms and talks with a high-pitched voice]

Tim:

Annoying!

Maureen:

[To Al] He's such a card.

Al:

Yes he is, and he needs to be dealt with. [He gestures dealing cards]

Maureen:

Oh!

[Al and Maureen laugh]

Tim:

Are you two through?

Maureen:

[To Tim] Oh, I almost forgot. Jill called. She needs you to pick
up Randy. She said something about being up to her ears in
compost. Tootles! [She backs out and crashes into the set] Oh, I
never see that.

Tim:

Oh, I gotta pick up Randy. Jill was supposed to pick up Randy. I'm
doing a lot more of my share around the house these days.

Al:

Well, Tim, marriage is all about compromise. Give and take.
Understanding each other and sharing.

Tim:

That was beautiful, Al. Wanna hold hands and sing "Feelings?"

Al:

I was just trying to help.

Tim:

I don't need help form a man who hasn't been married.

Al:

Think I don't know how it feels to be married to you?

Tim:

Huh?

Al:

Sharing a workbench for three long years and never having you once put
the cap ont he Epoxy. And don't think that I haven't noticed that you
squeeze the tube from the middle instead of the end. This is just some
of the things I have to take home with me every night.

[Tim walks out]

Tim:

I don't think we should call your segment the "Bachelor Corner." We
should call it "The Alone and Desperate Corner."

Cut to the backyard, later.

[Tim is talking to Wilson. Tim keeps rubbing his hands because he's
freezing]

Tim:

I really appreciate this, Wilson.

Wilson:

My pleasure, good neighbor. Always happy to help out with a molasses
emergency.

Tim:

Jill is working some extra hours, so I didn't have a chance to get to
the store.

Wilson:

Mmm. So you're running the house tonight, huh?

Tim:

I'm trying to, but she is not making it anything easier.

Wilson:

Mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. [He pours molassas in a jar]

Tim:

She can't stand to let me do things the way I want to do them, right?
Because she won't deal with the fact that my ways may be different, but
they get the job done.

Wilson:

Well, Tim, sometimes it's hard for people to accept new ideas.

Tim:

Not for me. [Wilson hands him the jar] Thank you.

Wilson:

Well, you are a very special man. Quite like Galileo.

Tim:

Yeah, I had his wine! [He walks to the door]

Wilson:

No, no, no, Tim. I'm talking about the 17th century Italian
astromoner. He was ridiculed for teaching that the Earth revolves
around the Sun.

[Tim and Mark are making the gingerbread house. Randy sits and holds the
walls of the house. Brad enters from behind]

Mark:

What is the paint pan for?

Tim:

I wanna make sure that the walls of the truck and auto service center
are big enough to handle the big rigs.

Randy:

Mom never uses paint pans.

[Tim pours the mixture into the pan]

Tim:

Do I look like Mom?

Randy:

On occasion.

Mark:

Is the paint pan clean?

Tim:

Of course it's clean. I scrubbed it off with turpentine.

[Tim takes the pan to place it in the oven]

Brad:

Dad, that's never gonna fit in the oven.

Tim:

It'll fit right in the oven. I already... [The pan doesn't fit; it's
too wide. Tim tilts the pan almost 45 degrees and places it in the
oven] Just tip it a little bit and it goes right in there. [Tim closes
the oven]

Brad:

Mom is gonna freak when she sees the mess you are making.

Tim:

Don't worry about it. This is a self-cleaning oven.

Randy:

Dad, these walls won't stay up.

Tim:

Would you guys come work with me on this? That's why I have the
caulking compound over here.

Brad:

You can't use caulk. You have to be able to eat it.

Randy:

So? We don't have to worry about that. We are just selling it.
Somebody else is eating it.

Tim:

Wait, wait. Maybe caulk would be a last resort. Let's try to make the
icing work. [To Randy] Go out to the garage and get me some C-clamps
and duct tape.

[The following scene is total choas. The lines are said very quickly after
another. Brad touches the walls and they fall apart. Mark runs towards
Brad]

Mark:

You wrecked it! You wrecked it!

Tim:

[To Brad] Fiddle around with the thing now.

Brad:

It was an accident.

Mark:

You did it on purpose. [He jumps on Brad. Brad "throws" him away]

Brad:

Get off me, you little flea.

[Tim tries to break Brad and Mark apart]

Tim:

Come on. Get up. Let him up.

[Randy comes back from the garage and notices smoke coming out of the oven]

Randy:

Dad, I can't find the C-clamps. Whoa! Something is burning.

[Tim runs to the oven]

Mark:

NO!

[Tim opens the oven and takes the pan out with his bare hands and puts it
in the sink]

Tim:

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. [He shakes his hand]

Randy:

Are you okay?

Tim:

Yeah. C-clamps. C-clamps!

[Brad is lying on top of Mark, who is shouting for help. Randy runs to the
garage again. the door opens and Jill comes home. Tim tries to get rid of
the smoke]

Jill:

What is going on here? [To Brad] Hey hey hey! Get off him right now.

Brad:

He started it.

Mark:

He wrecked my gingerbread house.

Jill:

Boys, just go upstairs. [The boys argue] Now!

Tim:

[Tim suddenly stops what he is doing and turns to Jill] Boy, you're
home early!

Jill:

What is happening here?

Tim:

Oh, I spilled a little batter. The oven was too hot, I think, when I put it in there.

Jill:

What? You used a paint pan?

Tim:

Yeah. Trying to make the walls big enough for the big rigs.

Jill:

Don't explain. Don't explain. Let's scrape it out and maybe we can
save some of the batter. [She looks for a spatula but can't find it]

Tim:

Good, let's see if--

Jill:

Where is my old spatula?

Tim:

Try over there. [He points to the spatula]

Jill:

It doesn't go over here. It goes over here.

Tim:

Well, not when I'm doing the cooking. That's where it goes. When you're
home doing the cooking, you can put it where you want it.

Jill:

When I'm home? Is that what all this is about?

Tim:

What?

Jill:

So finally it comes out! You don't want me to work.

Tim:

Because I moved the spatula?

Jill:

You resent... [She begins to scrape the pan] ...the fact that I'm
working.

Tim:

I do not.

Jill:

Then why haven't you done one thing the way I asked you to do it?

Tim:

One?! I've done everything on your stupid little list over here. [He
walks to the refrigerator and takes the list off it]

Jill:

You screwed up everything on my little stupid little list over there.

[Tim walks back to Jill]

Tim:

I haven't screwed up everything!

Jill:

Name one thing you didn't screw up!

[Tim holds up the list and runs his finger down over it]

Tim:

The... Uh...

Jill:

Well?

[Tim looks for a few more seconds]

Tim:

Uh.. Laundry?

Randy:

[From the garage] Dad! The dryer is going crazy!

Tim:

Hold on to it. I'll handle it. You just...

Cut to the garage.

[Randy is sitting on top of a spinning dryer in the middle of the room.
Tim and Jill enter]

Randy:

Wow! This is great!

Tim:

Come on. Get off from there, Randy! [To Jill] Unplug it over there!

[Jill reaches for the plug but it shortcuts and she moves her hand away]

Jill:

You do it!

Tim:

Honey! It's just 220!

Jill:

Be careful.

[Tim reaches for the plug but it shortcuts again and he moves his hand
away. The dryer is still spinning around]

Jill:

Just stop the thing. Stop it!

[Tim jumps on the dryer to stop it but, after a few seconds, it starts
spinning again with Tim on top of it]

[Disappointed] Maybe this is just a sign that I'm not supposed to be
working.

Tim:

Now what do you mean with that?

Jill:

Well, we are fighting about spatulas. You are riding the dryer. I
don't know that it's worth it.

Tim:

But you wanna work?

Jill:

Yeah. I wanna work. But I also don't want the house to fall apart.

Tim:

I see. It's always like that. I ride one appliance in the gararge, and
you get all bent out of shape. The house isn't gonna fall apart if
you're not here and I'm here. And... Don't take this wrong, but you
don't have to work.

Jill:

I want to work, but we've got three kids we have to get through
college.

Tim:

Or a good trade school.

Jill:

I like working. You know that I'm good at it. I think that I can
move up. I might even be an editor. But the whole time I'm working,
I worry about what's going on at the house. And when I'm at the house,
I worry about work. I just wish that there were two of me.

Tim:

Do I get to sleep in the middle? "Mornin' Jill" [Looks to the other
side] "Hello there Jill. Hey."

Jill:

Fine. If you don't wanna talk about it, the I'm gonna figure it out
by myself. [She walks back to the kitchen]

Cut to the kitchen.

Tim:

[Entering] And that dear, is the problem. You wanna do everything
by yourself. There are two people. The other person here is me. And
you gotta learn how to let me do some of the stuff the way I wanna do
it.

Jill:

Like giving the boys lunch money? Uh... Burning down the kitchen?
Riding the... thing around the garage?

Tim:

Hold on. Back the truck up. Some of the things went well today, you
know.

Jill:

Tim... Look around you. You practically wrecked the house.

Tim:

I'll have you know... I wrecked this house long before you ever got
a job, and I'll be wrecking this house long after you got a job! And
the kids were dressed, they had their breakfast, they got to school,
they had their lunch, and they came home and they were safe. So maybe
my way wasn't that dangerous after all, and some of the things did
work, didn't they?

Jill:

Well, the washing machine...

Tim:

What about the washing machine?

Jill:

That was pretty cool.

Tim:

[Grunting] Yeah? You like that? Oh-oh.

Jill:

Yeah.

Tim:

Oh-oh-Oh-oh.

Jill:

So, if this is gonna work, then I'm gonna have to let go of some
things. And make sure that the smoke detector is working.

Tim:

We've gotta put a battery in that thing.

Jill:

I think so.

Tim:

If you're gonna come home early, give me a phone call first.

Jill:

Yeah, right.

Tim:

Alright. As long as we are both here together, why don't you help me
clean up?

Jill:

Honey. I think this is the first time that I'm going to let go of
something. [She takes the bowl with the corking compound "icing" and
tastes it] Whoa! Icing is really bad.

Tim:

It's because it's not icing.

Jill:

Huh?!

Tim:

That is polyvinyl-acetate corking compound. [Jill spits it out and
takes some water] You just weather-proofed your tongue, honey!

Cut to the kitchen/family room, the next day.

[The gingerbread house is finished but it's tilting to one side. Tim sits
with a car and plays with a man outside the house]

Tim:

I'll sue! Wrooooooom!

[Randy and Brad enter, running down from upstairs]

Tim:

No, no, don't run. We have a piece of artwork here.

Brad:

It's crooked.

Tim:

I designed it this way. This is a gingerbread truck-and-auto service centre, after a major earthquake.

Randy:

You actually think anybody is gonna buy this?

Tim:

Yes, I actually think somebody's gonna buy this.

Jill:

Tim... You can't charge 156 dollars.

Tim:

Why? That's what it cost.

Jill:

Boys. Put on you coats and mittens and stuff. Mark, are you ready? [She
walks towards the garage] Has anyone seen my good blue sweater?

Randy:

I did. It's in the...

[Tim slaps Randy to stop him talking]

Jill:

What?

Randy:

I don't know.

Jill:

Brad?

Brad:

Gee, I don't know.

[Mark enters]

Mark:

I'm ready!

Jill:

Mark. Have you seen my good blue sweater?

Mark:

It's in the dryer.

[Jill looks surprised and walks to the garage]

Tim:

[To Mark] Thanks, big-mouth.

Jill:

[From the garage] Ohhhh!

Tim:

Ho... honey. Are you okay?

[Tim prepares himself for something bad. Jill re-enters the kitchen and
holds up a baby-sized blue sweater]

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