Who won and who lost today’s film news?

The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.

More Cars Of The Day: Robert De Niro to play Enzo Ferrari Today in movies about cars, Robert De Niro told an Italian newspaper that he will play Enzo Ferrari in a “big-budget biopic of the legendary Italian marque founder.” He then paused mid-interview to sip limoncello and trade Marcello Mastroianni imitations with Sophia Loren. Gianni Bozzacchi will produce the film, titled Ferrari; Bozzacchi says the movie will be “based on an epic story” and “will have a high budget and will cover a wide span from 1945 to the ’80s in a twisted game of eras and episodes.” Ferrari has, in one form or another, been in the works for nearly two decades—De Niro was expected to play Ferrari in a Michael Mann film in 1993, but it fell through because Michael Mann isn’t Italian.

Clint Eastwood is reportedly “very interested” in directing the film, just as I am very interested in Clint Eastwood’s Mayflower lineage. (Shocking aside: I thought I made this fact up, but then I Googled it and it turns out it’s a real thing. I felt really powerful for a few minutes, which is to say, I felt like a rich white man descended from the Mayflower.)

Wild Speculation Of The Day: What will happen in the Incredibles 2? Brad Bird told NPR that he’s writing The Incredibles 2. Actually, what he said was, “I’m just starting to write it, so we’ll see what happens.” This is writer-speak for “Get off my jock, NPR.” It’s also incredibly honest. As we all well know, any number of things can happen while you write that cause you to stop writing, including writer’s block, boredom, general malaise, fever, fatigue, death, and Netflix. So let’s not get our hopes up yet. We have no plot details yet, which means it’s time to wildly speculate, especially because I am clearly psychic (see first item for proof). I think that The Incredibles 2 is going to see the Incredibles move into the murder house vacated by Shannyn Sossamon in Sinister 2 and throw a family-friendly pool party and then kill everyone and the movie will be retitled Deadpool. What about you guys?

Unnecessary Remake News Of The Day: Warner Bros. has hired Carl Ellsworth to write the new Gremlins Warner Bros. has hired Carl Ellsworth to write the Gremlins remake. Yes, that’s still happening, with Chris Columbus and Steven Spielberg on board as producers. If you haven’t seen the original Gremlins, it’s basically about what happens when you have kids, but with more gremlins. Deadline helpfully sums it up as “the 1984 Joe Dante-directed film about the cuddly creature Gizmo who must not be fed after midnight or exposed to water…or else he spawns evil cousins who’ll tear apart your hometown.” It’s probably being remade because the original made a lot of money on a small budget, which is Hollywood’s second favorite thing after “it made a lot of money and a lot of men saw it.”

Marco? Of The Day: Polo (which will star Hayden Christensen; this didn’t really work but I tried) Hayden Christensen will star in Marco Polo, a fantasy action film that will finally explain why people find that game remotely fun. The Fast And The Furious director Rob Cohen will direct the pic, which is a co-production between China Film Group and Paramount. It will follow Polo, “a historical figure whose 24-year-journey into China in the 13th century is the stuff of legend, making the character particularly appealing to Chinese audiences [and people who don’t respect your boundaries in swimming pools].”

There Can Be Miracles If You Believe (In Clint Eastwood) Of The Day: Miracles From Heaven gets a director Patricia Riggen, the director of the upcoming Chilean mining movie The 33, has signed on to direct Sony’s faith-based Miracles From Heaven. The movie, from the same label that released Heaven Is For Real, is an adaptation of Miracles From Heaven: A Sick little Girl, Her Journey To Heaven, And The Lives Forever Changed, a book by Christy Beam due to hit shelves April 14. The story “centers on her daughter, who miraculously overcame an incurable, life-threatening digestive disorder. After she was dramatically rescued from a near-death experience, a stunning series of miracles unfolded that left her family, her medical doctors, and community baffled.” Did she accurately guess Clint Eastwood’s lineage? Otherwise I’m not impressed. Unsurprisingly (because I saw it coming), Clint Eastwood is involved in this story, too—Randy Brown, who wrote Eastwood’s Trouble With The Curve, penned the script.

X-Men Thing Of The Day: Ben Hardy as Angel Ben Hardy has been confirmed as Angel a.k.a Warren Worthington III in X-Men: Apocalypse. For those unfamiliar (me), Angel is “transformed by Apocalypse [Oscar Isaac] to serve as Death and his Four Horsemen and thus goes from being Angel to Archangel.” I didn’t get X-Men before, but I totally get X-Men now.

Occupational Hazard Of The Day: The Human Centipede 3 Several years ago, a friend of mine told me about the plot of The Human Centipede in casual conversation. I didn’t sleep for several days. Later, I told another other friend about The Human Centipede in a less-casual conversation, and she threw up immediately. These experiences represent the net exposure I have had to the franchise. I don’t want this to change just because I have a “job” reporting “movie news” for “people” to “read.” So I will report on The Human Centipede 3 under the condition that I won’t actually view any of the marketing materials; instead, I will present them without comment (jk, I am commenting a lot) and leave the decision of whether or not to delve into the unspeakable, depraved, unholy horror that is The Human Centipede 3 up to you, a fair and intelligent bunch of consenting adults who have probably never sewn 500 prisoners together. Here is the new trailer, don’t ever talk to me about it or mention it again thank you and goodnight.