HoroNOPE: Zodiac predictions for you ’90s babies

Your horoscope in relation to old kids shows

Wow, the new semester and year has just begun, that means new stimuli, new adventures, new looks and best of all New Jersey. Anyway, here you’ll find out your new horoscope for the month and its corresponding children’s show that I watched in 2011.

Aries: “Goosebumps”

Like a blimp full of sulfur, Aries are bound to blow up especially during this cold flux period. Like monsters spewing goo within their proboscis, Aries may be inflamed and sense some paranormal phenomenon during a full moon. Was that a creek in your door or a monster to be wary of? Maybe it’s just your cat telling you to calm down. I’m kidding, cats can’t talk.

pandawhale.com

Taurus: “Jay Jay the Jetplane”

The only thing more stubborn than a Taurus is the animators of Jay Jay the Jet Plane with their weird sense of anamorphic planes. Yes, let’s try to put realistic human faces on vehicles to communicate healthy situations to toddlers. That’s definitely impactful. The impact being your child having a distinct infatuation and response to airports. Taurus should avoid airports this week.

Gemini: “Catdog”

There are two sides to every Gemini. Just the same there are two sides to Catdog: a cat and a dog. This week Geminis should be concerned with their gastro-abdominal tract due to questionable things going into it and questionable things coming out of it. Catdog’s gastrointestinal tract remains to be unseen.

avatarist.com

Cancer: “Calliou”

Ignorance is a bliss for our emotional wasteland (Cancer). This week, like Calliou, Cancer should try to reminisce and relax. Maybe think about Calliou’s bald head or his sense of adventure or the fact that his parents have no sense of children’s fashion (bald child + yellow shirt = lego figure in real life).

justingammon.com

Leo: “Cow and Chicken”

I love how Cow and Chicken are both unequivocally Leos. There’s a lot of depth put into this show like the usage of pig bottoms (or pork butts) and their parents only use their feet which undeniably reflects the fetishes of the creators. Leos need to center themselves like Cow does when she taps into her Latin roots in order to become Super Cow.

reddit.com

Virgo: “Chopped”

No, “Chopped” isn’t a show designed for kids, but it has the merit of being entertainment so children should watch it. Virgo is all about analysis and cutthroat attitude. It is time for you to take whatever basket of ingredients is at your disposal and thrust into the unknown. Loiter. Mow a lawn. Pick up backgammon. Vandalize your local bingo hall.

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Libra: “Naruto”

Okay yeah, Sasuke is pretty hot, but the realness to Naruto’s leadership skills connects deeply within Libra. Libra has a sense of security and akin to when Naruto said he would be the next Hokage and lead the village to freedom or something. Of course, Naruto failed many times which will happen to Libra this coming week. However we must not fret because Naruto taught you and me to believe “It”—it being learning from your mistakes.

Scorpio: “The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy”

The passion and lust Scorpio feels are synonymous with how Mandy hates everyone and Billy is stupid. The Grim Reaper is there and is voiced by a Jamaican man too. With Death on your side, Scorpio will rise from the ashes of their own demise. Don’t forget to be kooky too.

Sagittarius: “Brandy and Mr. Whiskers”

I’m pretty sure this show didn’t exist and I had to confirm on Wikipedia that yes, this show does exist and the premise of it is baffling (you should look it up too). It is the modern fursona (furry persona) of Paris Hilton meets a rabbit from “Orange is the New Black.” Maybe dive into yourself this week, Sagittarius, because that’s what Brandy and Mr. Whiskers would want.

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Capricorn: Johnny Test

This upcoming winter season is about recovering from your past endeavors, Capricorn. You tend to be stubborn and immature, much like Johnny Test’s art style. You need to get it together and own your own production: your life. Also, you have bad jokes (consider outsourcing to craigslist for humor).

giphy.com

Aquarius: Who framed Roger Rabbit?

OK, Aquarius needs to form new bonds to succeed this week like how Roger Rabbit and Jessica Rabbit used their voluminous skills to find out who framed Roger Rabbit. (Note: I didn’t ACTUALLY watch this one).

reddit.com

Pisces: Chalkzone

The maturity of Pisces will be tested this week. A mature sign relates to maturity in animation which is why Chalkzone is a great representation of adult coping mechanisms. Why deal with your problems when (chalk)dust can take them away?!