Have a Question?

Ellie has the answer!

Today’s Column

Easy to stumble in online mating dance

At 37, I’ve always been single. Even on Internet dating sites, I find it hard to meet women (six in 18 months).

We seem to have a good time, lots of chatter, laughing, then she’ll invariably say days later that there’s no chemistry. They say, it’s “not you; you’re a great guy.”

What am I doing wrong?

- Lonely in Vancouver

You’re looking too hard, making each meeting a test of success or failure. That can easily happen with dating sites: if both people are on a determined search for The One, the weeding process is quick and harsh.

It’s more natural a process to meet people through your interests, work, new activities, volunteering, etc. Connections come from seeing each other in real settings.

By contrast, the “date” through Internet introductions is more contrived, with intense “comparison-chat.”

Get out more on your own or with friends to places where you’ll meet people casually. Expand your horizons; try new challenges (rock-climbing? Mandarin language classes?), and be yourself.

My ex-boyfriend and I just got back together; he’s married but has problems and is going through a divorce. I’m divorced and have children, as does he.

Frequently, he says he’s moving out, but he hasn’t found a new place to live yet.

I don’t know if he’s stalling or he doesn’t want to leave her. He’s making more and more excuses.

- Confused

He no longer has to move quickly, if at all, as you’ve solved his marital problems: He has you, on the side.

You should know from experience, that divorce’s upheaval isn’t easy to face, especially for those who must leave their children with the other parent. He’s scared, and may’ve changed his mind.

Become unavailable for several months. It’ll force him to deal with his own situation before making promises to create another.

Or he might choose to stay and work on his marriage; the sooner you know that, the better.

My husband met a woman casually two years ago. The first times that I was around them together I expressed concern about his behaviour (flirtatious and embarrassing); he insisted it was nothing.

We both have opposite-sex friends that we’re comfortable with, but I felt this was different. I knew they attended one class together, but he never mentioned her much.

Months ago, I learned from several sources that they spent many hours together (social situations, with others present) and have forged quite a friendship. But my husband insisted that they only exchange greetings.

Now, I’ve talked with the woman as well as mutual friends and discovered he’s lying. I can’t live with him knowing about the lies, and feel he’s shown me no respect. However, we have young children, and separating now would make the next few years difficult.

We can’t move forward with counselling as he denies the lies. Yet, he insists that he’s committed to the marriage.

- Trapped

This may be a crush, or a friendship – there’s no suggestion of an affair - but he already knew you disapproved. His denials may be his attempt to keep you from being suspicious, and jealous.

Your early assessment triggered this reaction. This woman was new to him (not an old pal), he acted differently… and so did you.

A crush or friendship won’t destroy the marriage, but YOU could, by overreacting.

Unless he stays out later than usual, or shows other worrisome signs, give him time to distance from her, or come clean.

I decided to lose my virginity to an older man (I’m 22, he’s 32); we’ll be “friends with benefits.”

I don’t want a boyfriend relationship now.

Several friends don’t think it’s a good idea. They think one of us will get too attached and hurt.

My guy and I agreed that if either of us starts to want more than sex, we’d end it immediately. We’re okay with this.

Why can’t my friends let me live my life?

- My Choice

If you’re so sure about this decision, you wouldn’t be canvassing opinions, including mine.

No one can stop you from testing this “unattached” theory of FWB. But the reality has often proven otherwise - sex involves hormones, which draw on emotions, which raise needs and feelings beyond physical release.

A cut-off deal that excludes those feelings leaves someone hurting and feeling USED. You’re making it easy for it to be you.