Mom: That must make you really disappointed. I know you were looking forward to it.

Rebecca: Yeah, just because some kids don’t behave, we all have to get punished!

Mom: Yeah, I see.

Rebecca: I can’t believe my teacher. She is really an idiot.

Mom: Your teacher is making you feel upset.

Rebecca: Yeah, why do we all have to suffer because of a few stupid girls?

Mom: You feel you’re suffering because of some of the girls.

Rebecca: That’s right.

Notice how the active listening parent is allowing her child to speak about her feelings and not trying to solve her problems. By doing so, she is building trust and communicating to Rebecca that she can always approach her mother when she is upset.

Steven Gets Punched

Here, Steven’s mother is not using active listening techniques.

Steven: Chaim punched me today during lunchtime.

Mom: What a jerk that kid is!

Steven: Yeah, he’s an idiot.

Mom: You better believe it.

Steven: I’m going to kill him tomorrow!

Mom: Tell him never to touch you again.

Steven: I’m first going to tell the Rebbe.

Mom: Tell him how bad that kid is and that he should be punished.

Using active listening produces an entirely different conversation.

Steven: Chaim punched me today during lunchtime.

Mom: Chaim punched you.

Steven: Yeah, he’s an idiot.

Mom: I see.

Steven: I’m going to kill him tomorrow!

Mom: Getting punched really hurt you.

Steven: Yeah, I’m going to tell the Rebbe.

Mom: I hear how much you want Chaim to stop punching you.

Steven: That’s right.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in marriage counseling and teens at risk. He is the author of “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach” and “First Aid for Jewish Marriages.” To order a copy, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com. For an appointment call 646-428-4723.

About the Author:Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, treating Anxiety and Depression, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Brooklyn. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com, email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com or call 646-428-4723.

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Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.