"What the bloody hell am I supposed to be bloody doing with this bloody tiny thing!"

A SURVEY of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are just too small for a majority of Indian men. It comes after a rise in penile injuries due to the acute cutting off of the blood supply by condoms that are too small, both girthwise AND lengthwise.

She's not complaining, and neither is he!

One such recipient of the survey Hunjab Pikkilidji recalls buying a pack of extra large Tikka flavour condoms last month, "my bloody manhood turned purple for goodness sake. The sheath was so bloody tight I maintained an erection for nearly 13 bloody hours! I didn't know doing sex would be so bloody painful." Mr Pikkilidji later lost his penis after it became riddled with gangrene.

Another, who wishes to remain anonymous, expressed his dismay once he unwrapped a condom that was marketed on the packet as "Donkey Dongs", "When I got it out of the wrapper the thing was clearly too bloody small. My wife is now pregnant with our sixteenth bloody child, goodness gracious me."

The average Indianpenis has been found to be nearly four full inches larger than their flaccid Western European (and even African) counterparts. In some provinces the girth was measured in excess of five inches. Doctor Punjab Shittesh, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, told Unnews there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are, "just too bloody small".

Shittesh continued, "It seems that the influx of penile injuries into our hospital casualty departments are partly due to the donning of condoms that are just too bloody small. For example, last week out of 121 admissions for such injuries more than half were due to condoms that are just too bloody small."