With a thank you to Laura for the story suggestion, and Brian for the
suggestions.

"Thank you for joining our show. Today we're doing Sith Lords--young
people who turn to evil and the Dark Side. We have Darth Ted, Darth Mary
Sue, and Darth Maul here with us today to talk about why they've chosen
evil in their lives!"

Darth Maul, Darth Ted, and Darth Mary Sue entered the stage area and sat
down. Darth Maul wore his "Sith Lords Kick Ass" t-shirt and cut-offs. Darth
Ted was a teenager in cheap fake black Sith robes. Darth Mary Sue was a
young woman in a black business suit.

"Where are your robes, dude?" Darth Ted asked Darth Maul.

"My apprentice vomited a hairball on them as I was getting ready to
leave."

"So," Jerry said, "Let's just go from left to right and tell us why you
chose the Dark Side."

"You are not, you pimply little twerp, and you'll be sorry you said that!"
Mary Sue snarled maniacally. "I chose the Dark Side because I have a lot
of anger, Jerry. See, people suck, work sucks... I have a master's degree
in a liberal arts field and had to turn to temping. I type the
correspondance of the semi-literate for $7 an hour. I think the turning
point was when I went to a job interview--finally!--only to find that my
references had turned against me. The rage was powerful! I felt a wave of
power like I had never known! And then, of course, there was that credit
report error incident. They will be destroyed! They will all perish in
flames! Muahahahahahahahahahaha! I heard the building housing that
credit agency burned down. Do you think that was a coincidence?"

"I studied to be a Jedi, but I realized that they were weak and that hate
makes one strong. Soon I will reveal myself to the Jedi. Soon I will
have my revenge."

"Aren't you revealing yourself to the Jedi now, Maul?" Jerry asked.

"Not really," Maul answered. "I mean, sure, I did agree to appear on your
pathetic show but my master has forseen that I will not be believed."

"If my show is so pathetic, why bother to show up?"

"I was ordered to come. It is a pedagogical exercise designed to further
hone my hatred. Or so my master says. Personally, I think he's just a
sadistic prick."

"Just to digress for a moment here, Maul here says he has a master. Ted,
Mary Sue, do you have masters?"

"No way man!" said Darth Ted, indignantly. "I AM a master! You should
see my Jedi Roadkill III high score!" Maul rolled his eyes.

"How about you, Mary Sue?"

"No, I have not been approached by a master yet. But I think that when
the time is right he will reveal himself to me. In the meantime, I'm
trying to hone my hatred on my own."

"I'll take you on, baby," Ted leered. Mary Sue stood up and kicked him
repeatedly in the chin before spinning and kicking again, knocking Ted's
chair over. The audience cheered.

"There is much anger in you," Maul told Mary Sue. "Should anything happen
to me, I think my master would be wise to choose you."

"Why can't he take her on now, Maul?" Jerry asked.

"There are always two, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice."

"I thought you said you had an apprentice yourself."

"Yes, I was instructed to train a pet in the Dark Side."

"A pet? Oh, come on."

"Ow! That hurt!" Ted whined as he righted his chair. He wiped his bloody
chin and nose on his sleeve.

"Anyway, our instant ratings feedback is not showing a high enough
audience percentage at home. Do any of you have some interesting sexual
habits you would like to share?"

"No," said Maul and Mary Sue, in unison.

"I like chicks with big hooters!" Ted said.

"Can I kill him? Please?" Mary Sue said.

"Okay, maybe not. Why don't the three of you tell us about your
childhoods, hopefully to instruct us in how to prevent others from joining
the dark side?"

"I was the middle kid. No one paid attention to me. They're sorry now!"

"I have a better idea. Why don't I kick Ted's ass for the viewers at
home?" Mary Sue asked.

"Look, I don't think ANY of you are Sithlords!" Jerry burst out. "I think
you all need therapy!" The audience burst into applause. "I mean what
kind of sicko runs around pretending to be evil? Questions from the
audience. You, ma'am?"

"Yes. I think you're all just alienated kids who need to open yourselves
to love. Would you like a hug?" Maul rolled his eyes. Mary Sue made a
"gag me" gesture. Ted leered.

"Um, yeah, I just wanted to say that I don't think anyone up there is
truly evil. I think that Ted is a disgusting horny teenager, Mary Sue is
a bitter bitch, and that Maul is just obnoxious. I think you should all
get a grip!" There was wild cheering. Maul rolled his eyes. Mary Sue
made a "gag me" gesture.

"So," Jerry asked. "Academically speaking, if you were going to tell us
how to prevent more young people from turning to the dark side, how would
you go about that?"

"I'd have more chicks date me. Then I would have less anger, rage and
alienation," Ted said. "Or at least, I would have something to do that
wasn't evil." Mary Sue and Maul rolled their eyes.

"Well, I think we need to completely rehaul society and end all oppression
against women, minorities, and provide jobs for people with liberal arts
degrees! I also think we should make the workplace more humane and less
degrading, and improve the fair credit reporting laws. Oh, and my
coworker Margie, who tells me I stink because the air conditioning is out
in my hovercar? she has to die. Slowly, and painfully." Mary Sue
snarled.

"Um, yes, this comment is for Mary Sue. I'm really sorry to hear that
your job doesn't pay well. Mine doesn't either, so I moonlight. Have you
considered stripping? It's really fun and easy, and pays well!"

"Excuse me," Springer said. "You strip?"

"Yeah!"

"Can you show us?"

"Only if Mary Sue will dance with me!" Obi-Wan pulled his boom box out from
under Qui-Gon's seat and bounded up to the stage. Mary Sue smirked, and
ogled Obi-Wan's butt as he bent over to turn on the boom box. "It's your
thing," started playing, and Obi-Wan and Mary Sue started dirty dancing,
with Obi-Wan definitely dancing the dirtier of the two. Mary Sue
seductively removed her suit jacket. Obi-Wan humped her leg. The audience
slobbered.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Obi-Wan, running back to his seat to be gently held
and comforted by his master, Qui-Gon.

"Well, Mary Sue, what do you think? You seemed to enjoy that..." Jerry
said.

"True. That was fun. He's pretty. But I think professional stripping
might be a bad idea. I was a massage therapist for awhile, and it was
disgusting--all these horny losers asking what parts of the male body I
worked on." She shuddered and made a face of disgust. "But perhaps I
should consider honing my hatred of horny losers further."

Mary Sue lit the lightsaber and cut Ted into at least five pieces. The
audience cheered and clapped.

"Thank you," she said, handing back the lightsaber.

"I found it quite cathartic as well," Maul answered. Jerry missed the
entire exchange, being deep in conversation with Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon tapped
his shoulder and pointed at the camera. Jerry jumped up to do his closing
monologue.

"Well, now it's time for Springer's final thoughts. You know, I think
this is a very sad and telling comment on society. Children who think
they're Sithlords, and turn to evil. No wonder there is so much violence
in the schools!" His eyes glazed over. "That's why you should vote for
Palpatine," he droned tonelessly. "A vote for Palpatine is a vote for
order." He shook his head and looked around, dazed. "Well, in the
meantime, take care and keep the faith; that's all for today's show.
Tomorrow, it's Jedi Moonlighting, including our young padawan stripper! so
don't forget to tune in!"

***

As he located his apartment key on the ring, Maul regretted that he had
not obtained Mary Sue's phone number. They could band together and strike
down Sidious, and he could train her. Or they could just date. She was
his kind of girl! He heard Kenobi's phone ringing off the hook and
smirked as he opened the door.

Mary Sue was kneeling on his living room floor in front of his cat, who
sat on top of the coffee table. "What is your bidding, my master?" The
cat meowed. "Sorry. My mistress."