Short Stories

Below is a humor piece I wrote in high school. Basically, I was bored in English class so I wrote a spoof of the articles one finds in our school newspaper. It's probably only funny to me, but because I still crack up when I read it, I decided to share it. I have not edited it for grammar or anything else. Added 01/27/2005.

SHP Games Club Expands Scope with Latest Activity

By Peter Robinett '02

Known to many only as the weird kids who hang out in the Segal
lobby, SHP Games Club has had a low profile. However, they have
recently started a new game that is hoped will raise it. Club
cofounder Max Etchemendy explains:

"We at Games Club felt that one reason few people were interested in
our club was because of our narrow range of activities, focusing
almost exclusively on GURPS [the Generic Universal Role Playing System
- Ed.]. GURPS emphasizes imagination and mental skills. While some may
find this enjoyable, we realize that a vast part of the school enjoys
sports and other, more physical, activities. Therefore we decided to
play Assassin, as it is a perfect combination of these two styles.

Assassin is a game, similar to capture the flag, played with many
participants. One player in designated the "VIP," who must then
collect a set number of "flags," in this case floppy disks
representing secret data, in a certain time period. Assassins
attempt independently to "kill" the VIP, while the VIP's
bodyguards work together to protect him.

Despite the violent description of this game, this reporter
believed Assassin sounded like a fun and harmless game to play
with squirt guns, with which the game is normally played with. I
sought out Games Club cofounder Amarnath Santhanam for his
reaction to the allegations of teacher Douglas Lowney that
Assassin promotes violence and disrespect towards
women. Unfortunately, Mr. Santhanam was unable to comment,
currently recuperating at the Stanford Hospital after a botched
assassination attempt of the VIP, Daniel Brady.

The news of Mr. Santhanam's injury worried me, and I set out on a
full investigation of the true nature of this game. I did not
need to wait long, when it was revealed to me in its purest
form. It was a quiet Thursday afternoon in A period of AP
English. Suddenly, the door flew open with a slam. Thomas Nourse,
who was facing the door, dove for the floor, and began feverishly
searching through his backpack. However the search was ended very
quickly, as Mr. Nourse was cut down in a hail of bullets. Chris
Child was mortally wounded in the chest by errant bullets, and
five other students (names withheld at the request of
authorities) were hospitalized with critical injuries. This
reporter was mercifully spared by the fact that his seat is in
not within the line of sight of the door. Searching explanation,
I questioned Jeremy Wong, who cooperated with Max Etchemendy in
the shooting. Mr. Wong reveals:

"Well, it was necessary. Max and I had detailed information that Tommy
had advance information of the VIP's future movements. As MIBs we had
to make sure that the VIP would remain safe."

Club member Dan Brady explained that the decision to play during
school hours as one motivated by the group members intensive
devotion to the game and a desire to further involve the entire
school community. Mr. Etchemendy also described this decision as
one designed to increase the difficulty of the game, saying:

"Tommy, man, he got what he deserved. If you're going to play Assassin
you've got to always be prepared. It's really his fault that it ended
up that way. Any good player would have been out the window by the
time we opened fire. It just goes to show that you've always got to be
on your toes."

Despite the occasional freshman caught in the crossfire between
the gym and the Main Building, SHP Games Club's current
incarnation of Assassin has enlivened and unified the school,
enabling us all to relax a little bit during this stressful time
of the school year.