Yesterday, we were talking about friendship at the Studio and we came to the following conclusions…

1 - You don’t need to have a plan when you get together with a friend.
You don’t need to have a party, an activity, or brunch you’re supposed to go to together. You can see a friend with nothing on the agenda, just wanting to get together and decide what you’ll do after.

2 – A true friend:
… Doesn’t judge you, but also has the right to not approve of your full body tattoo.
… Is ready to drop everything she’s doing and come to your rescue if you have an emergency, but also knows when to tell you when you’re overreacting.
… Has the right to be pissed at you when you overreact, but not for too long.

4 - Best Things to Do With Friends You Don’t Have to Prove Anything to (which is the essence of true friendship, by the way)

Top 3 from the Studio:
Pizza and nail painting (From Alex, beauty queen extraordinaire).
Wiling away your entire day doing nothing, maybe end up drunk at a bar at 2 am, no one’s to blame (Me).
Sexy and the City part with ice cream on the couch (Emily, no weight issues).

Best thing to do with friends, the international renown crème de la crème friend activity:
Party the night before and spend the morning after having tea and recapping all the night’s events.

6 - Sign that it’s a true friendship:
(or sign that your friend is very well educated, which is pretty rare)
Your friend is with some people who are magnificently cooler or amazingly more important than you (yeah, it happens)(all the time in New York) and introduces you as if you’re the greatest thing since Mac and Cheese.

7 - Some friendships die, but it doesn’t mean they weren’t beautiful and true.

8 - Stupid Problems that can Kill a Friendship if not Kept in Check:

Jealousy: Jealousy stems from desire. Before you hate someone because she has everything you want, you usually start by loving her from everything she has. Keep yourself in check.

Money: In friendships, as in love, everyone gives what they can, whether that be affection, money, intelligence, experience, contacts, what ever it is… You have to be generous, and let others be generous too, even if it’s just paying for coffee.

Distance: You have to pick up the phone and call. Skype, text, whatever it is. I’m the worst at this and I can’t even get it together to respond to e-mails. Friendships have suffered… That said, I’d never hold it against a friend if they are too busy and don’t have time to call – I know they are busy, I don’t think they are forgetting me… Which maybe explains my behavior. But I know, it’s not enough.

9 - Sign of a true friendship: After three minutes of no one saying anything in a conversation, no one feels embarrassed.

10 - Unidirectional Friendships, A Problem More Frequent Than You Think.
Asking, “how are things for you?” (+ 15 minutes listening without checking your Twitter feed) is not a superfluous act.

11 - Some profound friendships can be formed in three minutes, other superficial ones can take years.

12 - With a true friend, you can be completely yourself.
You don’t need to be the girl who’s “cool with tons of friends, a great job and an awesome boyfriend, wahoooo!” You’re just you.

13 – Sign of a true friendship: Even after not seeing each other for three years, you feel like you’re picking up a conversation you didn’t quite finish the day before.

14 - Sign of a true friendship: after 35 years of friendship, you still laugh together like teenagers (my mom and her best friend, so awesome).

That’s all for now! There are many other things – Plus, I have an amazing theory about jealousy that I can tell you about next time – but for the moment, that’s what appeared to us as the base of the base of the base. Big kisses my friends !

105 comments

This post just made me smile! I love every word that you wrote because everything is true. My fave however if that a true sign of friendship is being able to sit together in silence and not feel awkward. This really is a defining moment when that is possible in a relationship not only with a friend but a partner too. Great post, loved reading it!
xo QuinnQuinn Cooper Style

Garance, I don’t know if I’ve ever commented on a post before (although I’ve been an avid reader for years), but I have to say that everything you’ve written here is so utterly true that as soon as I’m finished typing this I’ll be sending the link to my best friend of 15 years.

Also, the illustration is fabulous and has been pinned to my “Style Inspiration” Pinterest board (with attribution to you, of course!).

What a lovely post! Absolutely agree on everything, so true! I think the best is that you can be yourself and to be able to always be honest. I also love the fact that if I would fall there will be a friend to pick me up, no matter what happens. Loooove a great friendship, to me that is priceless in life :)

It’s been an interesting and emotional 48 hours. I spent some wonderful time with a friend of 34 years. We’ve traveled the world together, been there for the birth of children and grandchildren (hers) and the death of parents (mine). We’ve laughed, we’ve fought, we’ve cheered each other on, but we’ve never doubted the depth and strength of our friendship. Sometimes, being a friend means being there when its not easy to like your friend, much less love them, but you stick it out and your friendship becomes even stronger. Part 2: fifteen years ago, I lived in Boston for 11 years. Recently I was cleaning out a closet and found a box of photos from my Boston days and had a great time remembering people and events and reconnecting. Then yesterday’s bombing happened and I cried tears of relief each time I heard a friend was safe. I also cried that I’d been careless in letting these friendships lapse into Facebook posting and annual Christmas cards. Friends are too rare and valuable to be taken for granted. So I’m going to turn off my computer and take pen to paper and write something permanent and lasting. A letter. And I’m going to circle a date on my calendar to go to Boston in the near future.

Jane, go for it…. some times we let “important” things manage our life… and we let life go by without noticing we are losing some friends on the way… When you age you noticie you jast have a few friends, but God, aren’t they the best….

So true! I move a lot and I miss my friends very much and with age I feel it’s getting a bit harder to make new ones in the new places I move. I am in my late 20s but friendships don’t come as easy as when I was 16….

Garance who are your best friends? or close friends? have we ever seen them in pardon my french or so you like to keep them to yourself? i love this post – friends are wonderful people to have. Even though I’m super bad at keeping in contact- but i always tell them ‘ just because I’m busy doesn’t meant i don’t love you’. x

I loved this post but it made me feel a bit said. I’m having problems with a friend of many many years – it’s hard to explain, but lately we just seem to get on each other’s nerves. I don’t know how to address it apart from take a little time out and have a bit of space – but I worry that I could lose the friendship altogether.
I think I always angst more about my friendships than my romantic relationships – the friendships always seem to have more layers and more undercurrents going on- is anyone else the same?

Suzy, I feel your pain absolutely, and your angst. I am also experiencing a worrisome period with a long time friend, and in my humble opinion, sometimes friendships don’t require talking and advising and listening, but parting. If only for a time. In my case I don’t agree with my friend’s unhealthy choices (euphemisms here) and not for the first time. My fervent wish is that she will reach out to me in the future, or I will hear that she is in a better place, and we will reconnect to remember the love, but if not, I can’t watch her do this again. I truly believe (experience here) that you know what is the right thing to do in this situation, so listen to yourself and trust in your OWN judgement. Good luck.

Oh Gita, Gita. Sigh. A wise (woman) person once told me that we are most irritated and annoyed with the negative characteristics in others that we most hate in ourselves.
“Girls” are not mean and selfish, but all people are at one time or another, hopefully to our chagrin and regret.
Girlfriends are a jewel to be cherished, prized for their uniqueness and guarded with our hearts. Like anything precious they must be treated with respect or they will tarnish.
I am lucky enough to have sisters who are the jewels of my life and they have taught me always how to be a friend to the women who are my sisters from another mother.
Thank you Garance and your gaggle for reminding me how lucky I am. Big kisses and hugs.

Garance, my question is, how do I make myself more accessible to people? I want to be a friend, but I feel that sometimes there is this image that my friends look at me for. I feel like they just want me to be the “cool” girlfriend. They praise me so much, it makes me uncomfortable. I do not mean this to gloat. I mean, I feel as though I am merely a concept and not a person to them.

Such a nice post. You seem like the perfect girlfriend. Too bad I don’t live in New York to be friends with you & Alex…… to accompany you to fashion shows, do nails, facials, lunches, go through your closets, etc……..

Anyway I liked it so much just wondering if I can re-post some of this on my own blog (of course crediting you fully for it too) not coming from me. Mine is a daily mix of either travel, style, recipes, product reviews, health tips, quotes. The link is: http://www.intrigueimports.wordpress.com

Beautiful post :-) I think in a true friendship that lasts over years and years it is also important to accept, that there are different phases the friendship can go through. If somebody is very young, this might be hard to grasp. But it is important to accept change. In a true friendship you can grow together and you know that the other will be there for you whatsoever…. I’m getting all sentimental now…. need to call my oldest best friend now! We are friends since 36 years! Wow I’m old :-) xxx

Love 2, 12 and 13 fact. This post really touched me, makes me think about my friends, am i being a good friend with them? I’m 30 now, all the girls are working or traveling or having family and it’s not easy to keep in touch like we used to. But like you say on 12, it’s always like we just talked the day before.http://www.sundaydesire.blogspot.com

LOVE IT! xxx Just one comment to add; A true friend can also be a man. Men and women can be friends (without “benefits”, just friends – my best friend is a hetero male and yes it works great and his wife and I are super close as well).

Loved this post Garance! I agree with everything, and especially loved number 6!”..and introduced you as if you’re the greatest thing since mac and cheese”, also I completely feel you on your points about keeping up long distance relationships with friends, it could definitely relate to this.
xx.

Very interesting post!!! Friendship has a lot of sides to it… I think it’s important to be able to feel like yourself whenever you’re with friends (no posing), to be giving, and completely honest with them. Last year I lost three friends over money and that situation made me rethink my friendships, what I give and what I receive, what I consider a true friendship, and the signs that show me when someone is not being a very good friend. When you introduce big changes to your life, friendships will definitely suffer if you and your friend are not on the same page (I am about to move in with my boyfriend and I am already feeling like I have lost a friend who is single and all about going to parties). Oh well… I guess that’s life, huh?

Want to say thank you actually, hopefully without sounding like a total saddo. I have the best girlfriends ever but sadly not one who is so crazy about fashion as I am, reading your blog everyday and the lovely ladies who comment goes some way towards having that missing BF…a happy thought by the way, not a sad one :) x

I relate to all those in your post, from my own experience, I would say a true friend is also someone who does not come to you only when she/he has problems and needs you to console her/him or keep her/him company, a true friend also comes to you to share joy, to inspire and empower you. a true friend sees the best in you and wants the best for you. a true friend does not use you at your costs for her own advantage, a true friend likes you for who you are and not what you have or what you can do for them….. ahhh, such a true friend is hard to find, but if you find one, keep her/him for life cause it’s one of the most precious things you can find in life.

Please, please, what is your theory about jealousy?? I have felt it for a long time and one great friend of mine couldn’t stand it. Unfortunately we haven’t talked for a while. I reaaaally regret it, but I don’t see anything I can do about it. This is one of my worst flaws, and I haaaaate it. :S

If you practice to accept the feeling, not reason with it and NOT act on it…Just accept that “I’m feeling this way right now”, then it will become smaller and smaller until it fades. Jealousy feeds on the fear of being jealous. But it’s just a feeling, it’s like a headcache or something, that hurts but will pass. The more you practice to just notice it without acting on it and not try to talk yourself out of it, the more power you gain over it. Because jealousy is usually like an inner discussion between you and yourself; it becomes a ping-pong game where every comforting thought will provoce a new fearful thought. With the practice of mindfulness or by meditating, you can learn how to be aware of a feeling without being swallowed by it, and when you don’t get carried away (mentally) you’ll learn how to see it come and pass like the clouds on the sky…. feelings that pass you without hurting you. This goes for all kinds of stressful thinking but is especielly effective when it comes to envy or romantic jealousy. I swear by it, and wish you all the best!

She has something you want, badly. Friends can be great for getting you in touch with your deepest desires – and you have clearly hit on something with this lady. So now you know what you want you have to do everything you possibly can to get it… So, you’re jealous because she has great hair – make your own hair great; you’re envious of her glam job – work to get one of your own. Only never, ever try and get her great man… Do what you can to find a fabulous one of your own. Good luck xxx

Such a beautiful post! That kind where you immediately start smiling and feel so very comfortable and happy about yourself. Since you exactly know: yes! yes! yes! We have experienced all of it with “someone”- your closest heartfelt besties!

I actually think it’s simpler than this. One of my closest friends (of more than twenty years) once said to me that her true friends were the ones who could always kindly and gently put the important, difficult questions to her. These questions helped her to think more deeply about herself and thereby to grow and flourish in her life. After she said that I realized that this was true also in my own life, because when you care enough to be honest with someone by posing a question rather than providing an answer, it’s because you deeply respect all that they are capable of (and want the best for them). You’re also willing to take the personal risk associated with raising difficult issues. The other, girl-y stuff is the easy part – the risk-free and fun part. As for jealousy, I always think that envy or jealousy don’t exist when you love yourself (as always, the answer is to work on oneself first!). Also, when you like/love yourself you know that there is more than enough good to go around (i.e. one person having something doesn’t mean that you can’t too have something amazing). Anyhow. My 2 cents!

I agree with silence as a mark of true friendship. I know that I’ve gotten close with someone when our conversation lapses into silence and then we can pick it up again naturally, like the ebb and flow of waves.

I went through a period of jealousy with my friends who were earning more than I was, which allowed them to buy designer items and go on fancy vacations. But I realized that I love my job, even though it pays a lot less. So I don’t begrudge them their perks (I know how hard they’ve had to work for it).

I am very curious to hear about your jealousy theory…..why do people get jealous? And is it their own personal issue? or do we sometimes provoke the jealousy? And who’s fault is it if your friend sleeps with your boyfriend? Do you confront your friend about it? Do you pretend it never happened? Did she do it because she was jealous of you? (cos thats what I’ve been told). Pfffff……..And one more question, what do you wear and how do you behave the first time you see your ex after the break up, and after finding out that he was cheating all along, although promising you the world?! :) Merc bcp pour les conseilles!

Great post, I just disagree on one point: “doesn’t steal your friends”. Though I know lot of people, I don’t have thousand of real friends, but I know that what I share with each one of my True Friends can’t be stolen from me, it’s just unique. On the other hand, friendships can be encouraged, but at the end of the day, they happen when two people click with each other.
S&B.

Lovely post
When i meet a friend i know for soooooooo long i always have the idea we are knitting a nice and cosy blanket with different colours and textures. It can rest for a time and pick it up whenever you want.

Thank you for posting this!!! At first I was unsure if what to say at my best friend’s wedding since I’m her Matron of Honor. But I will be sharing parts of this Friends post in my speech! Thanks so much!!!