Viral Marriage Advice from Divorced Man: Experts Examine His Tips

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When the newly divorced motivational speaker Gerald Rogers took
to Facebook, posting a list of bits of marriage advice he said he
wished he had known, his heartfelt advice was heard, liked and
shared by thousands of people.

While Rogers' list has certainly struck a chord, experts on
marriage and relationships say they have a range of reactions to
the advice. While some of the tips on the list are great, they
say, others may not hold up very well for some people. What's
more, important pieces of the puzzle are absent from the list,
they say. [ 6 Scientific Tips for a Successful
Marriage ]

LiveScience asked experts to weigh in on Rogers' advice, and to
choose which tip from the list they feel is most important.
Here's what they said:

A beautiful piece of poetry

Dr. Mark Banschick, a psychiatrist in Katonah, N.Y., and author
of "The Intelligent Divorce" (Intelligent Book Press, 2010), said
what struck him the most was the poetic beauty of Rogers'
realization.

"It's a beautiful statement of how a man can make a woman feel
special, and live
life in a full way," Banschick said. "We need people like
this to inspire us."

Beyond the poetic inspirations, an important part of the advice
is Rogers' point about not trying to change your partner,
Banschick said.

"It's not your job to change or fix her," Rogers wrote. "Your job
is to love her as she is, with no expectation of her ever
changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it's
what you wanted or not."

"That's very pragmatic and solid advice for everybody," Banschick
said. "Make sure you find the right person — you can't change a
person. Marry
the right person."

Forgiveness is tricky

Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist and author of "What
About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship"
(Sourcebooks Casablanca, 2010), said she found the majority of
Rogers' points terrific.

"He talks about focusing on the positive things, staying in the
moment, working on the marriage, being aware that you have to
keep the love alive and you can't just take it for granted,"
Greer said.

But some of the advice, Greer said, needed more clarity;
otherwise, it could prevent some couples from truly solving their
problems. [ I Don't: 5 Myths About Marriage ]

For example, Rogers wrote, "Forgive immediately, and focus on the
future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your
history hold you hostage."

For example, in a marriage in which there's been infidelity,
lying or hurtful behavior, forgiveness
isn't simple, she said. "The expectation that you're just
going to forgive somebody and get over it is not only
unrealistic, but it can really lead the person who's been wounded
by the hurtful behavior to a vulnerable place, and a place that
it might happen again."

So, what can people do if they can't find it in themselves to
forgive immediately, as Rogers prescribes?

"Forgiveness is the first step," Greer said. "Your partner has to
apologize to you, and then you want to be able to say, 'I forgive
you, but how are things going to be different?'“ Greer said. The
partner who committed the adultery or broke the trust needs to be
willing to change, rebuild the trust and make sure it doesn't
happen again.

Greer's favorite tip among Rogers' advice is the invitation to
"fall in love over and over and over," she said.

"That mindfulness of falling in love again and again, continuing
to grow with your partner and fall in love with who they've
become. That's what keeps the relationship dynamic," Greer added.

However, not all change is good, or should be tolerated.

"There are things that are simply your bottom line — you can't
accept and you can't live with them, and they need to be
compromised around," she said.

Learning relationship skills

Denver psychologist Susan Heitler also said Rogers' point about
not trying to change your partner was her favorite tip.

However, the point itself is not enough, Heitler said. Most
people need to focus inward, looking at what they can do
differently in response to problems, and learn the skills for
discussing difficulties.

"If both people in a relationship learn skills for talking
through conflicts in a cooperative and productive way, both grow
and change for the better throughout their years together,"
Heitler said. "Without the skills, relationships are at risk for
a long, gradual, or short and steep, downhill slide."

Heitler also said there's one important piece of advice missing:
to focus on
good listening.

"The biggest mistake most men make is insufficient listening,"
she said. "They ignore, they don't take seriously their wife's
concerns, or they debate what she says, responding to what they
see as wrong and missing the point of what she is trying to
convey."

Some men seem to be more interested in being right, or making a
better point, than in responding in a helpful way, Heitler said.
Research has shown that such men are more likely to get divorced,
while a good predictor
of a successful marriage is men's "responsivity" — that is,
taking the wife's concerns seriously and responding with helpful
action, she said.