Peter Costa: Tips on how to survive Thanksgiving

Monday

Put relatives who haven’t seen one another for a year in a room and demand that they talk to each other until the turkey is ready and the result is often volcanic

Put relatives who haven’t seen one another for a year in a room and demand that they talk to each other until the turkey is ready and the result is often volcanic. Innuendos geyser upward, double entendres explode like dynamite, and if something other than sparkling cider is being served, rash remarks are committed with a chaotic cutting-edge ferocity that only a knife-throwing ninja would enjoy.

Thanksgiving is not a tribunal. It is not a time to cross-examine crazy old Uncle Billy and interrogate him on what you perceive to be a lifetime of shortcomings. Even seemingly simple board or card games should be avoided. Don’t play cribbage or Monopoly with testosterone-poisoned relatives. Also, avoid physical contests. Don’t go outside and fire a Bret Favre laser-line football pass at the cousin you have disliked for 27 years. (With Tom Brady out for the season, save your arm for the playoffs in case they go to the stands for a backup to Cassel.) And most important of all, do not watch the television news with anyone other than your ordained minister who is merely there at Thanksgiving to say grace.

I can remember getting into a dispute over the Detroit Lions – arguably one of the least dramatic football teams ever to play in the NFL. The Lions are usually the ones chosen to have their game televised on Thanksgiving Day. (This year, 2008, they will play the titanic Titans.) I don’t even remember the argument about the Lions now but it raised my blood pressure to o-ring bursting levels and generated ill will until next year’s Thanksgiving when I made the mistake of saying something about national politics. (I will avoid any discussion of President-elect Obama’s Administration. Actually, I may bring up Hilary Clinton’s selection as Secretary of State just as dessert is being served. I am anxious to see if chocolate can trump politics.)

I think a good rule to avoid controversy is to tell everyone you see how great they look -- Even Aunt Sophie who could toss a truck tire in a strongman’s contest. “Aunt Sophie, don’t you look well. What’s your secret?” Oops, don’t ask her what her secret is. “You think I keep secrets? That’s what’s wrong with you, you think everyone has a secret agenda.”

Playing with the dog for a very long time is a good ploy to stay out of trouble. Talking with the dog is also good. After all, people will just think you are an animal lover and a kind soul. Who can get mad at someone who talks to a wrinkle-forehead pug dog for an hour and a half?

Show-and-tell objects are also a good diversion. Bring along your latest wireless gadget and demonstrate how it can take pictures, send text messages, access e-mail, calculate mortgage interest (Isn’t cousin Jason always refinancing his home?), and receive images directly from the Hubble Space Telescope.

When the food comes, comment on how much you like each item of food. Space out the comments. “I love this white meat; it is so moist and tender.” Follow this with, “Jane, this stuffing is divine.” Later, ‘This squash is so fresh. I just love it.” When dessert comes this is the time to praise the pumpkin pie as if you were a visiting diplomat in Beijing: “This may be the best pie I have ever had. How do you get the crust to be so wonderfully rich and yet not crumbly?”

When the table is cleared, this is an ideal time to try to escape from the dining room. But don’t wander over to one of the three NFL games and don’t go outside to throw footballs, Frisbees or other potentially dangerous projectiles.

This is a great opportunity to take that solitary walk behind the house to shed a few calories and get out of range of post-feast mortar fire.

Take the pug dog with you. She thinks you are a great conversationalist.

Happy Thanksgiving.

This holiday column was published in 2005 and has been updated and edited to reflect recent changes in the current 2008 NFL schedule [Hey, I know my priorities: Football, food, flight.] Peter Costa is a senior editor with Community Newspaper Company. His book, “CostaLiving: Laughing through Life,” a collection of his humor columns, is available at amazon.com and at Barnes & Noble bookstores.

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