I'm telling you man. You really don't want to know. Like they say, ignorance is bliss. Just go ahead, not knowing and happy. Go on, have a good day. The world is wonderful, as far as you know, and to the best of your knowledge, your life is pretty good.

Contents

You don't want to know

What's in that hot dog you're eating

Snouts and hooves, ha ha ha! Keep believing that, it's much more comforting than the truth. I mean, you didn't seriously believe they'd put the pigsfeet in the hot dog — not when there's a market for pickled pigs feet. They only put in the stuff that you absolutely, positively cannot sell or even give away at Safeway. What's less appetizing than the pickled foot of a pig? Well, there are certain parts which are particular to the hog or the sow for instance and — uh, never mind. I really don't think you want to hear anymore. You so totally do not want to know. And let's not even get into the non-agriculture animals that go into the manufacture of your average Oscar Meyer weiner. What's a non-agriculture animal? Um... let me just put it this way. It's an animal that's not a cow, or a pig, a goat, or a chicken, and that's as much as you want to know about it.

Hey, did you do anything when I told you to keep Sparky from getting out of the backyard because I've seen that dogcatcher around? Never mind, forget I asked. Why? No reason at all. This has nothing to do with the topic of hot dogs. Stop looking at me like that. Are you really sure you want to know why I asked?

Anyhow, speaking of dogs that like to run around, how's your girlfriend doing? Kidding. I'm just kidding, you know me, I just like to kid.

Listen, do you really want to go down that road? Think about it: on average, half the people are above the average, and half are below. That's what "average" means. So if she had one previous lover, there's a 50% chance he was worse than you, and 50% chance he was better. If she had two previous lovers, then there's a 33% chance you were the guy who most rocked her world, and a 2/3 chance that some other guy blew her socks off with much greater frequency and intensity, so you're much better off just not asking. Now, say, hypothetically speaking, if your girlfriend had been with twelve or thirteen dudes in college, high school, and junior high before she met you, then the odds are more than 90% that she had another lover who was much, much more suave, manly, confident, and endowed than you. I said, "hypothetically speaking" if she had twelve or thirteen other men before you. Really, you think I'm being defensive right now? Listen, are you sure you want to pursue this line of inquiry?

She was a virgin — really? No, that doesn't surprise me. Not at all. Really — you think I seem surprised to hear that she said she was a virgin? I mean, surprised that she was a virgin — because there's no reason to doubt what she said. Do I know something? No, my girlfriend would never tell me intimate details that she learned from your girlfriend.

And let's not even get into the ones who came after she met you. Shit, I didn't mean to say anything about that. Listen, just pretend I didn't say anything at all, OK? I mean, if — hypothetically speaking — something was going on a few months ago but it ended, wouldn't you just rather not know about it at all?

What we say behind your back

You don't want to know what this picture was.

Talk behind your back? Me and my girlfriend and our friends talking about you, and your little quirks, the interesting way you dress, and failures in your personal hygiene? Of course not. Never. Rarely. Not all that often. Really, it's all good stuff. Mostly. I mean, OK we might say a thing or two but it's totally in jest. It sounds much worse coming second-hand.

Is that what this is about — did Mike tell you that crack I made about the shape of your head?

What thing about the shape of your head? Good question, because last week when we had a few beers, I didn't say anything about the shape of your head and Mike didn't think it was funny either. No, there's nothing wrong with the shape of your head. It's perfectly normal...ish. I mean, it's really not that big of a deal, unless you look at it from certain angles. It's very subtle, you can hardly even notice it except when you look at it from a certain angle from the back. Or the right side. Or the front. Listen, do you really want to know what I said?

What I did to get back at you

After you punched me in the face because of that remark about your head, comparing it to anatomical parts of certain animals, I got a little angry, and I said some things I probably shouldn't have about your mother and a certain gas company meter man with an odd-shaped head, and I'd like to apologize about that.

Really? No shit. We used to always joke about it but we never thought it was actually true. So you asked her and she decided to come clean about the whole thing after more than two decades of lies? How's your dad taking it? Well, yeah, I guess he's not really your dad... divorce, huh? Harsh. Well, like they say, let sleeping dogs lie but I guess it's a little late for that. So, you're gonna meet him on Thursday? Wow. Ol' "Crazy Larry" the meter man. And he said he wanted to give you his favorite propane-leak detector? Wow, you must be, um, honored.

Anyhow, after you kicked the crap out of me because of me repeating those rumors — well, I guess not just rumors — I just got really mad. But I want to let you know that I'm really sorry about that prank I played on you to get revenge and I hope you will forgive me and we can be friends again. We've known each other for too long.

What prank? Oh, I guess you didn't drink your coffee on Tuesday, then. Well, never mind then. It's not important what I tried to do; the important thing is I'm sorry I tried to do it, I'm sorry about that remark about your head, and that stuff I said about your girlfriend. I mean ex-girlfriend.

I'm really sorry about that man. Who knew she had all those boyfriends. Well, I guess I did, and my girlfriend, and most of our shared friends, and acquaintances, and your mom. Fifteen guys before you? That's what she said when you finally confronted her about it? Wow.

And cheating on you with Chris, too? Harsh. And Chris's brother Todd? At once? Yeah, that's pretty twisted. Well, I told you that you didn't want to know. But at least we finally know how you got syphilis.

Wait a minute, you did drink the coffee on Tuesday? Listen, let's just forget about it, OK? The past is the past. What? An odd, salty taste in your coffee?