Sunday, September 03, 2006

How I Prepared For My Class Reunion

2 months before: Decide to order a brown dress to be “different” since black is my signature color.

6 weeks before: Receive the dress in the mail. See that it's the ugliest brown ever created, complete with copper threads running through it circa 1982. Look online to see if the dress is still available in black. Of course it isn’t. Swear a lot.

4 weeks before: Bleach teeth, get hair did.

3 weeks before: Threaten best friend with death by dismemberment for bailing on reunion.

1 week before: Resigned, look for ugly brown shoes to match ugly brown dress. Buy some; bring them home to find that they don’t match. Drink a bottle of merlot. Get the bright idea to see if the dress is available in black yet. Of course it is. Begin to sweat as I order it. Am told it will arrive in 5-8 days.

4 days before: Am told the reunion is postponed due to Tropical Storm Ernesto. Sing Hosanna in the Highest.

3 days before: Am told the reunion is back on since Tropical Storm Ernesto has become Thunderstorm Ernesto. Weep into my fists.

24 hours before: Miraculously receive black dress in the mail, and it is beautiful. Sit on the couch and tip m&m’s bag directly into my mouth while thinking “Maybe it will be canceled again.”

Decide it might be wise to make a hotel reservation. Do so. Do last minute tweezing, bleaching, waxing, sanding, scraping, and polishing. Put 3 Biore Pore Perfect strips all about face. Asked by husband if I’m auditioning for Braveheart II.

12 hours before: Awaken with a knot in my stomach.

10 hours before: Book it south to meet my girls for lunch. Witness a horrifying car accident directly in front of me that makes me shake for the rest of the afternoon. (No one was hurt – we stopped)

6 hours before: Eat lunch with my girls and their various infants. Feel pains in my uterus that I will away with hard liquor.

5 hours before: Curse my sorry ass when I begin to develop a migraine from drinking in the middle of the day.

4 hours before: Make futile attempt to nap. Take 2 aspirin.

3 hours before: Shake fist at the sky. Take 2 Excedrin.

1 hour before: Realize that I left pantyhose and slip at home. Curse some. Drive to Walgreens to buy hose.30 minutes before: Realize that I have no time to shower. Get dressed, put on mascara for the first time since my wedding.

During: Stand in a room with a bunch people I don’t know anymore (my girls excluded). Drink Jack Daniels, rock out to 90’s tunes. Take more aspirin. Laugh at self and others as we sit around with coffee mugs in hand complaining that it’s past our bedtimes.

that's the best part...calling up your very best friends and recapping the night. talking about how this one got so fat and he is so bald. and i can't believe SHE had a baby and when did he get so hot and i always suspected he was gay etc. etc.

i'm so happy you had a good time. and you look smashing in the black dress (or should i say smashed?)

I went to my 30 yr reunion last year. It was a blast, but it was sad that some of the girls that live in the town, didn't show up... why? because they had put on weight!!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA... who hadn't!!! They missed out.