Hollywood`s Officials Can`t See That Street Artists Mean No Harm

In their infinite wisdom, Hollywood city commissioners have cracked down on graffiti artists.

Where do these people get off?

Under their strict new law, vandals caught painting public property face up to 60 days in jail and $500 in fines. And tipsters who snitch on the offenders will receive a $100 reward.

Talk about over-legislating. Over-reacting.

This whole thing makes the commissioners look ridiculous. Now, I am not saying I resemble a saint or anything, but honestly, I need this like I need a hole in the head.

If you have not noticed, I am indignant.

Clearly, this is a display of distrust on the part of our honorable commissioners. They would have you think these so-called street artists are going to make a mockery of everything they can get their hands on.

Well, I, for one, don`t believe that. I think graffiti people have a great deal of respect for the establishment. That`s you and me, folks.

What did you do as kids, Sir and Madam commissioners? I suppose you never drew a beard or devil`s horns on someone`s face on a poster? I suppose you dressed up and went to tea?

You people have gone just a little too far this time.

The ``vandals`` who paint walls, sides of buildings, turnpike and interstate underpasses are merely fulfilling a need to express themselves.

Even Commissioner John Williams, who spearheaded the new law, has called their graffiti ``artistic creations.``

Yes sir, art. That is what it is. Not always done tastefully, not always done on canvas. It will never be sold in a gallery or displayed in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York. But, art nonetheless.

Some of my favorites, in fact, include ``Kiss My Grits,`` ``Tom Loves Mary`` and ``Go Stuff It In Your Ear.``

All right, so we get into a few four-letter obscenities here and there. So sometimes the graffiti accumulates in spots to the point that individual creations are lost in a collage of filth . . . er, color.

But to stop them is to clog up their creative drive. If they cannot express themselves with spray paint, who knows, maybe they will turn to jackhammers or chainsaws.

Let us not play with fire here, gang.

Have you ever thought of outlawing spray paint?

Hollywood`s ludicrous law is particularly offensive because of that $100 reward to anyone who tips off police to the whereabouts a graffiti artist. This is so absurd as to be laughable.

Who is going to rat on an artist?

At this point, let me make a special appeal to the police: Call me at the office . . . I know a few kids who own cans of spray paint.

Instead of harassing them, let us get to know these graffiti artists, try to understand them. When was the last time you took a vandal to lunch?

Furthermore, I contend that there actually is not that much graffiti. City officials say it is everywhere you turn. I have been around these parts for years, and I have not seen any real evidence of a problem.

Laws are meant to protect people and property. Is this law going to do that? Are these so-called vandals so malicous?

No way.

For instance, these outcast artists would never humiliate me personally. They would never deface anything that I own or hold dear.

Heck, after I`ve stuck up for them like this, I know I`ve won their everlasting admiration and respect.