Wednesday, 18 May 2011

OwnersSusan and Lee have overall responsibility for ensuring that my every whim is met. I tolerate them and often reward them for their efforts by allowing them to cuddle me for a brief moment before leaving. I always leave as much cat hair behind though as a reminder of my presence.

Catchphrase?I don’t meow I chirrup. Therefore my most often uttered phrase is “now”.

Favourite habits?Lying on my back in the middle of the kitchen floor inviting tummy tickles which are in fact an elaborate trap to allow me to bunny kick arms of baldies who come too close. I also enjoy lying on my back in the hall, bedroom and living room. Except when the heating is on and I lie lie a starfish over the pipes. I also sit in the wardrobe and claw at clothes. Never the cheap stuff though, I prefer to ruin as many expensive jackets and pairs of trousers as possible.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?Given that I am the youngest of 4 cats I enjoy the fact that whatever room I go into contains a buffet. A perfect evening for me would be to fall asleep face down in a bowl of food prior to staking out the kitchen where either more food will magically appear. After eating I might roll around on one of my mum’s coats, claw at the sofa or perhaps a mouse may arrive for an evening game of “chasing the mouse noisily around the house before leaving it beside the bed for my owner to find in the morning.”

Favourite food?I have bad teeth and have had to have a few removed. Despite that I enjoy eating dried food most of all. Specifically the expensive prescription food that’s meant to be for my Uncle Oscar but I love more than anything. In truth I am probably the greediest cat of all time so will eat almost anything. Except the expensive prescription food my owners got for my dodgy teeth. I just left that.

Defining moment of your life?Realising that I am the cutest cat in the world and can scratch furniture without punishment. All I need to do is turn to my owners and do my “Lady Di” impression and I am forgiven. In the same way I can lie on top of lap tops and chew cables without fear of reprisal. I can get away with anything.

Any enemies?My Uncle Muppet is the alpha male of the house and regularly attempts to beat me up. I have to be on my guard against random punches. I get him back though by waiting till he’s asleep and sticking my claws in his substantial behind.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?More people like my owners. Susan has been known to sit on the floor for the whole night instead of disturbing me when I’m on the sofa. That’s the bigger sofa they got to accommodate all the cats. I don’t think she minds though, since she got Uncle Muppet she hasn’t slept more than 4 hours a night in 11 years. She loves us so much.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?My middle name is Kylie so I’d love to meet the woman herself. I think she would like me and we could dance together.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?I’m quite shy so will probably just stay in my house. I think it’s best if I just stick to lying on my back a lot.

BiographyI was born on a farm in Scotland. The only girl out of a litter of 6 it was clear from an early age that I was a princess and so probably needed to live somewhere with central heating rather than live in a barn. I choose Susan because when she arrived at the farm she was as clearly revolted by the smell as I was. Unfortunately I smelt like the farm for a good 6 months until eventually I’d shed all my hair everywhere. I live with Auntie Idgy and Uncle Oscar (Lee’s cats) and Uncle Muppet (Susan’s other cat). I’ve know Lee for 8 years so I don’t think I’m considered a step kid anymore, well except when I’m sick in Lee’s handbag. I thought it was funny.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?Quite like doing a stake-out under the hedge – amazing what you can spot if you sit still long enough. I like watching Spooks too – I’ve got quite a few good ideas from them, though their fitness and agility levels are laughable compared with mine.

Defining moment of your life?Getting stuck 30 feet up a tree the first time the handlers let me out. Never been so embarrassed in my life, and freaked the handlers out too. That’s when I knew I had to do more CIA training…

Any enemies?There’s a nasty black and white impuss-ter who makes incursions into the safe house through the cat flap at night. I suspect there’s a mole in the garden, but I’ve got him tailed.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?Putting me in charge. I’m cleverer than most humans I know. And I can, of course speak - I just choose not to.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?I could give that Daniel Craig a run for his money – call himself a secret agent - doesn’t even have the latest fibre-optic hyper-sensitive whiskers!

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?I’m afraid all cat-ernisation has to be puss-itively vetted in advance. And a pro like me doesn’t get stuck in lifts – I’m out through the ceiling and up the cables before you can say ‘shaken, not purred….’

BiographyI was one of a litter of five, but it’s generally agreed I got all the brains. Even at five weeks I was leading an expedition under the washing machine, and less than a day after I came to my new home I was already looking for optimum escape routes. I live with my brother Biscuit who’s a sweetie, but not much good as a field agent, and hopeless in a Code K9 (that’s ‘dog on the grid’ to you). Though he can be useful as a sparring partner to practice my paw-to-paw combat on (the handlers have a pic of that).