Tuesday, April 24, 2007

"its just nice not to sleep alone sometimes" he tells me. I cant quite look him in the face, its a situation where the tones of truth tend to resonate in the soul.

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He sits there & explains what happened last night. Between him & i. "After we fucked, well we just kinda passed out... I just kinda collapsed on your chest" he looks down a with a tinge of remorse. "well i woke up still lying on your chest, i could hear you breathing &... yeah... it was really lovely. I'm sorry i made you leave in the morning... i don't know..." I sit there still & remain silent. I don't want him to notice the perfect line that begins to form at my center. It cuts through me creating a perfect symmetry between my left & my right.

---

"She showed up at 10pm, drunk again" her chin is perpendicular to my face. Her hand twists a pen. "So i just politely refused to let her in..." a silence follows and the pen is clutched stiff.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

if you haven't watched 'perfect blue' then now would be the time to do so. Its hitchcock meets anime. A depressed pop idol recives death threats from a crazed fan when she decides to become an actress in a cheap sex & violence mini-series... (i've put the japanese trailer up cause the english one sucked.)

most importantly it if by the same director who is releasing the up and coming paprika!! (as much as i love spirited away etc - this is soo much better)

oh and for those who like'd requirem for a dream - compare this to the perfect blue trailer (Darren Aronofsky owns the hollywod remake rights to PB - if it ever happens)

well for the most part im back. i guess the worst of it is over. Those anxious tendencies of mine have died down. They leave their scars & move on. Its nice to know that Mr S was looking out for me, not that fearless me would admit i needed it!

I considered going back onto solain, but on research that can contribute to anxiety (not to mention that i didn't get any major delusions/hallucinations this time). Add to that my distrust of medication... not that i want to end up like mum... *sigh*

Sunday, April 15, 2007

I think. I think so many things. Options are explored. conclusions are deduced. Memories are under constant scrutiny. Details, obsessive attention to details. History is placed under revision. And with all that hustle in my head, i can only think of one thing to say 'i wish i had brought my jacket...'.

Its 7am on a Sunday. I walk up to get milk to go with my coffee. I've been up at least since 6. While it was hardly my fault to wake at such an early hour, i nag myself with the thought that i have still sinned, i should of stayed in bed... and on the lords day none the less.

I acknowledge that none of this may truly matter. Thought is not action. Still that does not deny the pivitol nature of the situation for me. Its an anxious state of being. Engulfed by the stream of conciousness. Compulsively thinking things apart, looking for some hidden meanings in the glyphs. Looking through the symbol to find the symbolic, when in fact there was never any meaning to begin with.

A excess of thought is a blessing & curse. My pharmakon of sorts. That elusive thing which is both poisson & cure. Its that cup of coffee that awaits me at home, now i have milk.

I temper the cure/curse by partaking in vice. 'Just a little coffee to clear my head' i tell myself. Little vices spark my life. I start to read alot (think Kundera & other random authors pullled down from the books on my shelf). I drink a little too much (think cask wine, by the cask). I go out late at night (think day club). Then i refuse to go out at all. I ride my bike (to botany to read Kundera under the trees by the beach, and back again).

Thank god i dont smoke anymore!

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These vices offer more than a intermission. Each begins a challenge to the anxious travel through a race. Zeno's paradox. A cunning trap. It forces a step. the intermission defines a distance, a unit, a duration. A kind of symbolic tripping up? Each new vice & vices repeated divide the anxiety's duration. A forfeit is given...

And i stop in the road. Milk in carton in hand. Its 7:05am. There is a blue wolf before me. It is smiles & sits & watches me. I pat it, consider taking it home, but deduce that someone most likely owns the well groomed beast. Its a symbolic event. It is not a true wolf, rather an Akita (just a wolf-ish dog). Neither is it blue, only blond. But of course in Croatian the word for blue & blond is the same (just a semantic slip). I begin to see behind the glyph. I wonder about it with half a smile & half a tear on my face...

Monday, April 09, 2007

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Grosz three authors at the fringes of philosophy, & reinserts them into the center. Darwin (more a scientist), Nietzsche (more a madman) & Bergson (more a French man) are never enough of the philosophies of their time. In doing so she creates a great benefit into challenging those little biases that define what is read & what is not; what is believed & what is dismissed. Grosz does what she does best - she gets into the heart of what these authors are saying, and finds something that can be related to, that is useful for now. She finds a concept of time that has use for politics, and a concept of evolution that is worth living up to.

While she spends all this time spent on avoiding the big names of philosophy (for those more unassuming or simply eccentric minds) she does surprisingly miss mentioning one name who may have said something on this topic. (And before i get to that name i can kind of understand the avoidance in a book about the not to big names). I grudgingly say - why not mention Mr Marx himself. In the world of philosophy he is the one labeled 'more a politician' than a philosopher. So in a book with m ore than a sutler political edge why not? Marx was German, & so was Nietzsche; Marx wanted to dedicate Das Capital to Darwin, but the offer was not well received; and of course Marx & Bergson found them selves strange bedfellows after both coming under attack by who else but Mr Wittgenstein.

Lets now be clear. Its not the evolution of capital (the social/economic system) that fits so perfectly into the book. But rather his notion of the development of consciousness that needs to be integrated into her work. If we can find time in evolution, time in history & time in duration, then surely we can find time in consciousness? And much like her book - it is the movement of time only know by the untimely that is important.

Marx presents class consciousness as the 'class for itself' as opposed to the class in itself' - isn't this another nick in time? a necessary cleavage, that allows the movement forward? But unlike the other movements consciousness preconceives the change that is to occur into the world. It makes the world of its mind - and the mind requires consciousness for this to happen. Consciousness is a mental system that had evolved itself through time, and generated the possibility for history. So i would like to see her take on Marx & his untimeliness - which it appears she does so briefly in the sequel :)