I Can Has Epics: Breeches of Mended Nightmares

Once upon a time there was an island called Tol’Barad and a great variety of exotic herbs such as Azshara’s Veil, Whiptail, and Cinderbloom grew. This island was fought over fiercly by the Horde and Alliance forces, for they sought control of Baradin Hold, a keep that handed out extra daily quests in which people could mindlessly grind through to obtain rep to purchase a fairly awesome dragon mount that they can “Away From Keyboard” on in front of the auction house to show off the size and girth of their penises. The reputation could also lead one to obtain some very fancy shmancy trinkets but that is not as important as penis size.

Truny the Warlock had known about this island but her preconceptions held true that this place was just like Wintergrasp. She thought the moment she stepped in she would be decimated by a rogue, but those were just bitter old memories. She has axe toss and felstorm at her disposal even while stunned now! With nothing left to do and finding Uldum quests rather meaningless and feeling a sudden urge to obtain a consistent source of reputation, Truny traversed through the portal from Orgrimmar to the dreary island.

What are you talking about? Get to the Breeches of Mended Nightmares already!

SHUT UP I’M GETTING TO IT!

As it turns out, Tol Barad was not a World PVP zone (In a Normal Server), but just a daily quest hub where players can Not Group Up and Kill-Steal Each Other in order to finish their daily quests the fastest. (Please note that Truny had only discovered this two days ago and had only done two rounds of dailies in total.) On her first visit, the Island was controlled by the Alliance so Truny made a big loop around the main questing area. Herbs were everywhere, and the mobs were very generous in their Embersilk Cloth drops. It was late and Truny hadn’t pondered to much about that and went to bed.

The second day, yesterday, Truny’s faction controlled the Island which opened up six more dailies for her. More mobs to murder. Something about killing Problim, something to do with a crypt, and something to do with Crocodiles in a swamp of Whiptail. At the end of this amusing romp, Truny ended up with a large quantity of Embersilk in her bags and a hefty amount of Volatile Life as well! As Truny went to open up her Tailoring panel to convert all the Embersilk Cloth into Bolts, she noticed that her Tailoring skill was actually sitting at 521. FOUR away from max? She scrolled down to find one of her Dreamcloth Dream cooldowns had become available again. 522. Scrolling back up she saw that there was enough materials to make four Fireweave Blue Random PVP Items That Were Orange in Skill And Sell for an Okay Amount, and BAM.

Luckily Truny had also completed the first few quests in Twilight Highlands, the ones which involved helping the clan kill their leader, which meant Truny had access to the Cloth Trader to craft some ilvl 359 items. At the time she had exactly seven Dreamcloths in her bags, which means she probably wanted to make herself a new pair of pants over a new belt. Just because.

Ok, so I had to choose. Did I want an extra 241 mastery, making my demon hit 1.5% harder, and increasing my damage done in demon form by 1.5% or did I want an extra 1.7% haste.

I chose the Breeches. Actually, I chose haste, with the reasoning that the quicker I can fire off my nukes, the more I could proc Impending Doom to reduce my Demon-form’s cooldown. This means I should really use Metamorphosis more, and not just save it for boss fights, since half our mastery’s description is for our Demon-form! However, I did reforge some of the crit on the pants into Mastery just so I didn’t feel as bad, though I would have felt worse for not taking the haste at all. I COULD have chosen the other pair and reforged the crit into haste, but you could only reforge I believe 80ish out of the 200ish stats which I thought wasn’t enough to justify the extra bit of damage my demon did versus faster nukes. That made no sense at all did it?

So there we have it, Truny’s first epic item, crafted entirely herself. It did not require raid reputation to obtain, nor did it require fairly difficult to obtain/expensive materials to craft, and the stats are actually better than some piece of shit you find at the bottom of the garbage disposal. I believe the only difference between the crafted purple cloth items and raid purple cloth items is a single gem socket. WoW has definitely changed. But then again we’re only at the Naxx equivalent stage of Cata now right? When Deathwing’s Citadel comes out we’ll need to hit Exalted reputation with Hellscream’s Deathslayers (the raid reputation faction inside Deathwing’s Citadel) to purchase ilvl 512 recipes, which require SIX Deathwing’s Toenail Clippings to purchase, and only one drops off Deathwing. The item itself will require twelve Deathwing’s Toenail Clippings, 200 of all volatile elements, and one THOUSAND bolts of Embersilk Cloth. Yes these are some big mother effen pieces of gear. For example:

Equip: Increases movement speed by 5%, does not stack with other movement effects.Equip: Your direct damaging spells have a 15% chance to Cremate the target, causing 3,528-4,682 fire damage and 15,293 fire damage over 15 seconds to the target and all surrounding enemies in 8 yards. (45 second cooldown)Use: Ignite the very ground you stand on with the fury of the Firelords, enabling you to levitate, slowing fall damage, and allows you to walk on water. (Triggered, lasts until cancelled)

Drool. The only thing you can complain about these slippers are the lack of socket bonuses, because of the prismaticness.