AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica Škara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, Škara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.

A bear sloth, if you have the extremely rare opportunity to see one, is one of the most amazing and deadly things you might ever see… sort of like a tornado. And a bear sloth isn’t a slow moving arboreal mammal that lives in the jungles of South America. No, it’s not anything like that.

Below: a Bear SlothCould also be called a “sloth of bears,” I guess.

That’s right: a bear sloth is essentially a pack of bears. Now, you might think that three bears really isn’t anything like a tornado, but just remember: it only takes one bear to kill you and everyone you love. And that’s a fact, my friends. So take a good long look at this picture and imagine what it would be like to see all of your loved ones being mauled to death by a bear, then – and this is the terrifying part – multiply it by three. Are you crying? You should be.

Now, take that and multiply it by about ten. That’s right, just try and imagine a sloth of 30 bears. It’s happened. Case in point: at a platinum mine in remote eastern Russia, a wild pack of at least 30 giant bears were seen prowling the area. (Should “30” be bolded as well? I mean, it is an absurdly large group of bears.) 30.

The bears were said to be “hungry.” How do we know for certain? Well, they attacked and ate two of the workers, so, I’d say that’s proof enough. I’d also say it’s high time for the Russians to get out there and kill those bears before they start a political upheaval, and turn the whole country into some frighteningly realistic Planet of the Bears scenario, wherein upon the bears can talk, are in control, and have divided themselves into a strict class system. Grizzly bears will serve as the police and military, whereas polar bears will be administrators, politicians, and lawyers, and the black bears will serve as intellectuals and scientists. Humans will lose their ability to speak, and will be hunted and used for scientific experimentation. Do you have goosebumps yet? If not, wait until the movie comes out.

Below: A Rare Look into the Planet of the BearsThe inevitable outcome of mankind’s wars, which will pave the
way for the bear-lead society (and possible union with dogs).

I’m not the only one who fears a possible Bear Revolution and wants to stand up to these future overlords. A spokesman for the regional emergencies ministry told reporters that “… people are scared by the invasion of bears.” A village official by the name of Viktor Leushkin told reporters that “these predators have to be destroyed.” That’s right, those bears have no excuse to invade your lands after the locals poached and decimated the salmon in the area, the bears’ food supply.

And the Russian government is responding. Attempts have been made to send out a team of snipers by helicopter, but the plan failed due to poor weather conditions and the fact that all the Russian helicopters were shot down by Afghani “freedom fighters.”

Or, perhaps the Russians don’t want to kill off the bears. They might just want us to think that they want the bears dead, though all the while they’ll be enlisting the bears into an invincible bear cavalry.

A true weapon of mass destruction.

Just give those cossacks some assault rifles and load two barrels of vodka on the bears’ backs (as opposed to the one already in place), and you’ve got an unstoppable, albeit inebriated, fighting force. The vodka just makes them meaner. And by them, I mean only the cossacks. You gotta feed the bears some gunpowder to make them enraged enough to battle an Abrams tank.

Anyway that you look at it, an approaching sloth of bears signals impending doom. If you see one, then get the fuck out of there as soon as you can. If you have to leave a loved one behind, please do so: it should slow the pack down; babies especially.

Andrei Chikatilo was a Soviet serial killer. No, not like Josef Stalin. Like uh, a guy that kills people without political immunity because he’s the ruler of a communist regime. Plus, Chikatilo murdered people himself; he didn’t just simply stand there and order the death of millions of people, like some two-bit dictator.

Like most serial killers, Chikatilo just started killing on weekends or after parties, but he never really meant to get addicted. Fate finds us all at inopportune times, however, and Chikatilo’s life was not really going so well. You see, as a husband and a school teacher, he uh… God, well, fuck – He really did some disturbing stuff I’d rather not mention. Let’s just move onto the murder part.

Chikatilo first killed (we think) in late 1978. He had an old house that he purchased in secret. It was probably just an old get-away place, you know, to escape everyday life and just kind of hang out by oneself and get some g.d. solitude, or even murder some children. Always an opportunist, Chikatilo did it all. He lured a nine-year-old girl into the house, probably using candy or a bike or what-have-you. Then he figured he’d just rape her, since she’s all like nine and weak and stuff. But she struggled, and he sort of like put his knife in her and started stabbing her over and over again, and then she like, died. Huh, weird. Anyway, all that stabbing really got his “motor running”. From that day on, Chikatilo only got true sexual arousal and had his best orgasms when killing women and/or children.

Well, the police were pretty upset about this, as you can imagine. They had some evidence that pointed to Chikatilo, but they were pretty sure that this Alexsander Kravchenko guy (if that is his real name) killed that little girl instead. So they executed him. Hooray for justice!

Chikatilo didn’t kill again until 1982. But when he restarted killing, it was as if you or I were eating Pringles™ brand potato chips: once you pop, you just can’t stop! And no, I’m not getting paid to write that. Between ’82 and ’85 (inclusive), Chikatilo killed about or around 29 people. The police were baffled. Just how in the fuck did Alexsander Kravchenko keep committing these fucking murders? They exhumed him and had him hanged in front of a firing squad. Then they cremated him. “That’ll put an end to all these demented murders,” the Soviet police thought.

The public was overjoyed that the killer had been refound and rekilled, courtesy of the USSR. The Government even responded with a series of “kidnap parades” where Soviet troops took civilians from the streets and detained them in secret facilities to be tortured, killed, and ultimately thrown into the water supply. The best days where when lots of young women betrothed to rich men were put in, because the tap water tasted like hope. Delicious.

Anyway, back to A.C. So he keeps on killing and a couple of other guys get blamed for his murders and end up getting executed. Yay, more kidnap parades! Chikatilo was almost caught by police one day when he was walking around with a handbag that had a couple of amputated tits in it. The police talked to him and noted that he looked suspicious, but never asked to see the contents of the bag. Of course, even if they did, Chikatilo had a perfectly reasonable explanation: they were loaned out to him by a nice lady friend of his whom he murdered. **Wipes hands** And those pigs would be none-the-wiser.

The police did eventually catch him, though, and he ended up confessing to and describing 56 murders. Police were shocked and told him that they thought he only murdered 36 people. Chikatilo famously responded, “Uh, yeah, I made up about twenty of those, so uh, just forget that I even described them with exceptional detail.”

Chikatilo stood trial for 53 of those murders. While on trial, he was kept in a cage in the middle of the courtroom. Some claim it was for his own protection from the victims’ irate families, but I think the court did it as a joke. Gotta love that Russian humor; a little bleak sometimes, though. Anywho, he was convicted of 52 of those murders. The jurors stood-fast on the 53rd charge, claiming, “We’re pretty sure that Alexsander Kravchenko killed that one other person,” despite that particular murder coming years after his re-execution.

Chikatilo was sentenced to death once for each of his 52 convictions. On February 14th, 1994, Russian justice made good on its promise (as a Valentine to the Russian public; how sweet!) as Andrei Chitakilo was executed by a single shot to the back of the head. He was then shot in the back of the head 51 more times. Then he was stabbed through the heart, dipped into a vat of acid, cremated, and his ashes shot off into a rocket that plummeted into the face of the sun, “just to be sure.”