New York’s New Archbishop a Dude’s Dude

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It’s been three days since Timothy Dolan was announced as the next archbishop of New York, and Catholic leaders all over the city are still flapping their cassocks with joy. Dolan is expected to bring a new fire to the archdiocese, inspiring churchgoers to renewed enthusiasm for the archaic institution. According to the Post, he’s going to be “a tourist for a year,” traveling around the city as much as possible, meeting parishioners and learning about his new home. “The friendliness, the warmth and the radiance of the people of New York — it was genuine and sincere,” Dolan said. “The people couldn’t have embraced me more warmly.” (Wait, he came from the Midwest and this was his impression. He must be holy!) According to the Times, he’s also expected to bring in a whole slew of newrecruits.

Listen to thesetestimonials:

• “At St. Francis de Sales Seminary in Milwaukee, where the rector, the Rev. Donald J. Hying, credits Bishop Dolan’s ‘radiant joy’ and ‘charismatic nature’ with bringing new vigor to recruitment efforts.”
• “Recruiting young men to make the commitment to become priests is a complex process that involves guidance by priests as well as the self-explorations of the candidates.”
• “One seminarian, standing with his chin resting on his closed hand, smiled broadly when asked by a reporter what he thought of the new guy. ‘They asked us not to make comments,’ he said, turning to walk down a hall to a dinner in honor of Cardinal Egan and his successor. ‘But I like him.’”
• “‘He’s a professional extrovert, a banterer, a sports fanatic,’ said the Rev. Edwin H. Obermiller, director of vocations for the Congregation of Holy Cross at the University of Notre Dame. ‘He knows how to talk to youngmen.’”

Forgive us (God, and readers), but does that not sound like the gayest shit ever? Except the thing is, Archbishop Dolan is probably the straightest-sounding priest we’ve ever heard of! He’s obsessed with the Milwaukee Brewers, can’t wait to go straight to Yankee Stadium, and he loves “hearty meals.” He likes a beer and a cigar so much after dinner that he had to give them up for Lent! This guy’s going to really shake things up, we can justtell.