Kyle: A friend is someone who can help you with your career. Jack has been the best friend.

Jack: A friend is someone who doesn't fuckin' want anything from you. Just wants to hang.

K: I agree with that, too.

J: I don't have any friends. I don't know what happened. I used to have friends.

K: I like how you say, "I haven't changed. My friends have."

K: Who we'd like to meet? Jesus.

J: You should say I instead of we. I think Jesus would be a big fuckin' letdown. You'd find out he's just a dude. He might be a really boring hang. He might be like a really kickass rabbi. You'd want to know the answer to everything, and he'd say, "How should I know? I'm just Jesus." Plus, you don't know how to speak the ancient Aramaic. I say, Let's go back to see someone who for sure kicked ass. Let's go fuckin' chat it up with Plato.

K: Talk about a language barrier. You're not gonna be knowin' any of the Greek. I'd like to meet Hitler when he was an artist in Austria. Hang with him. I used to dream about this. I fantasized that I went to art school with the Beatles --

J: Dude, you better finish up that fuckin' Hitler thought. You left it on a really weird note.

K: Oh! I would be just checkin' Hitler out. Tellin' him, Maybe you should just stick with the painting....

K: I feel good with a crisp hundy in my pocket. I feel like I can get most things done.

J: All I know is, the more money I make, the more money my family needs.

J: A lot of people go around saying that our name came from New York Knick basketball announcer Marv Albert. That is a bummer! It's just not true!

K: But it's good that people have bought into the Marv Albert campaign of misinformation. One day, the truth will be revealed.

J: The reason I can't fuckin' tell you right now is because it's a central plot point in the upcoming Tenacious D movie. But you will find out why we are named Tenacious D.

J: Don't like martinis.

K: Noooo. We're not a martini band.

J: I like vodka and grapefruit juice and maybe a splash of some other juice. I like that fuckin' drink that's like a fuckin' chocolate milk shake. What is that? Kahlua and whatever? The White Russian! I like a glass of red wine. Love the fuckin' merlots and the fuckin' cabernets. We're connoissewers. If you really want to party, show us the fuckin' Stag's Leap! And if you have a finer taste, you might go with a bottle of Maya Canacanacacancarajo.

K: The difference between sex and love is friction. No, there's friction in both. Hmmm... When I'm really getting it on, I don't feel like saying, "I think I love you." But sometimes I do because I think they go together, so maybe I should throw it in. But when I'm feelin' kind of romantic, sometimes I don't feel like havin' sex. So they seem kind of separate.

J: You can have love without sex. You can have sex without love. But when you combine the two -- that's something special.

K: Oh, that's deep.

J: Christie Brinkley gave you the same answer? Doesn't scare me. She's a wise, wise sage.

K: If you get regular mail, like, from an ex-girlfriend or someone, you better believe it's important. You will never get anything that reveals any feelings in an e-mail.

J: I don't agree with that.

K: If you have to take care of really personal business or relationship stuff, e-mail is not the way to go. That reminds me: My girlfriend was out of town, and I met this singer-songwriter chick. It was late at night. I wrote her a love poem. I felt like I was gonna rock her a little bit. My girlfriend found it in this e-mail thing. Shitstorm! Shitstorm! And so I was saying to her, "Here's the thing: I was just practicing writing!" But how can you talk yourself out of that one? You can't. So it was kind of the beginning of the end. It was one of those times where my shrink would say I left the poem around on purpose.

K: We've got to talk about global warming. This is really catastrophic that some of these island countries are just disappearing because the ice caps melt and the water keeps rising and there goes these islands in the Pacific. I think the fish are gonna be really creepy when it gets warm. Warm fish!

J: Ewwwwwww! Dude, if global warming goes the way you're saying, all that might be left are the fuckin' octopi. Planet of the octopi! You know, that reminds me: I can't believe that 007 was allowed to have a movie called Octopussy. It blew me away then, and it continues to blow me away. Octopussy? Eight vaginas is what they're sayin'. No way to fuckin' misread that.

J: I'd like to live to be sixty-nine. So, let's see, Kyle would be seventy-eight. My plan is to pay a visit to Kyle at the old folks' home, kill him, and then take my own life.

K: See, Jack's got this thing about not wanting to get old. I want to live until they find a cure for dying.

J: Kyle will die at seventy-eight. That's the answer to your query. I don't care when he wants to die. Seventy-eight! That's an age when no one's going to say, "Ohhh, the tragedy!"