This post is a departure from the usual, but please bear with me.
Dedicated to Mack Lundstrom, who taught me to write from the heart.

I feel like I’m saying goodbye to an era.

In a recent attempt at simplicity, I’ve been cleaning out extraneous belongings that have cluttered up my apartment—and thus my life. But one collection I vowed to eliminate has proven hard to part with: my 13-year accumulation ofVictoria magazines.

The brown and beige house (that's me dressed as a Native American for Halloween)

My grandmother first introduced me to Victoria when I was a teenager in the early 90s. She kept recent issues in a basket on the floor next to her chair. Every Sunday when my family visited her, I’d curl up at her feet and pour through those pages over and over again. I never got bored of them—or my grandmother’s stories. We bonded over our mutual affection for that magazine. And Victoria opened up a whole new world to me, albeit a world that was decidedly un-cool for a girl my age.

Victoria brought the promise of beauty, luxury, and grace into my otherwise drab existence. To my mother’s dismay, the home in which I grew up was decorated in a distinctly masculine aesthetic: wall-to-wall solid oak with numerous mounted deer heads and antlers. The only two colors found in that house were brown and beige. Even the outside was painted beige and brown! I shared a small bedroom with my two sisters, sleeping in oak platform beds that stacked on top of each other during the day and rolled out at night. Love was there, but beauty—at least my kind of beauty—was nowhere to be found. Then Victoria showed me a wealth of romantic fashions, white furniture (hallelujah!), bright linens, and lush gardens. I was hooked.

Madeleine L'Engle, best known for her book A Wrinkle in Time

For better or worse, Victoria informed my taste for the next 13 years. I grew to admire Nancy Lindemeyer (founding editor of Victoria), her vision, and words of wisdom. One of Victoria‘s Writers in Residence, Madeleine L’Engle, became a favorite author. I savored each photo taken by Victoria‘s most prolific photographer, Toshi Otsuki. (I even tried to hire Mr. Otsuki when I worked for Real Simple magazine, but he had retired because his eyesight was failing.) Victoria magazine was one reason I chose to major in magazine journalism in college. In fact, I secretly hoped to work for Victoria someday.

“We do not observe the world around us without in some way changing it, and being changed ourselves.”
-Madeleine L’Engle

Nancy Lindemeyer, founder and editor in chief of Victoria from March 1987 to October 2000

Victoria wasn’t just about a style. It was a way of life. A way of life epitomized by Jane Austen’s world, in which her protagonists enjoyed afternoon tea, rambling walks in sprawling gardens, picnic-lunch excursions, beautifully handwritten letters, and an overall refinement that’s generally lacking today. It’s a way of life, I’m sorry to say, I may never achieve.

I gradually outgrew my infatuation with Victoria‘s pretty but cluttered world. (My Real Simple tenure was probably to blame.) Still, when Victoria folded in 2003, I was heartbroken because my dream of being a part of its staff was over. Four years later, I received a postcard in the mail announcing Victoria‘s relaunch. Nostalgic for the memories we shared together, I subscribed immediately. When the new issue arrived, nothing in it held my fancy. Maybe it was the absence of Nancy Lindemeyer’s touch. Or the dearth of Toshi Otsuki’s photographs. But in truth, nothing was exactly wrong with it. Victoria seemed the same. I had changed.

“When I began Victoria magazine, I always said that it was for the women who loved their grandmothers as I did. And who would never forget the legacy of womanhood they gave them. It was much more than appreciation of a gracious time. It was a sense of what was beautiful in life—of what to hold on to that expresses the best we have to give.”
-Nancy Lindemeyer

It was time for me to let Victoria go. Before boxing up the magazines to sell on eBay, I felt impelled to take one last look—at every page of every issue. It took me weeks. When I got down to the last few issues, I didn’t want it to end. Leafing through them, I recalled the power they once had to transport me and stir a longing for that life. Though I hadn’t opened most of the magazines for at least a decade, I vividly remembered how certain photos had enthralled me. But my fond memories of Victoria are just that: memories. And one cannot live in memories.

My grandmother

Perhaps not coincidentally, this journey down memory lane started just before I heard my grandmother was sick with terminal cancer. Though I still loved her and held no grudges, we hadn’t spoken in years. I visited her in the hospital recently. I wouldn’t say fences were mended during those visits, but with Victoria memories fresh in my mind, I at least kept the bad from blotting out the good memories we once shared. The person I knew and loved during those precious Victoria years is how I will choose to remember my grandmother.

So, with a heavy heart and tears on my cheeks, I pack up Victoria and prepare to say goodbye to my beloved grandmother. With their passing from my life, an era comes to an end. One I will not forget.

This is the first of a three-part series. Please come back in the following weeks for a Victoria-themed wish list and a Victoria-themed craft.

Although ‘Victoria’ wasn’t my particular style, whenever I was able to peruse a magazine I was always absorbed. The magazine fascinated me and almost convinced me my style could be lacy, pastel and pretty, even though in my heart it didn’t feel right, I admired it.

This post might be a departure from your norm, but it was heartfelt and well written, and it’s always good to throw in a curve and shake it up a bit.

Oh how I remember Victoria magazine. I use to subscribe to it myself in the late 80’s and early 90’s. I have a few of their books and pages ripped out of the magazine. Every three to five years I go through the binder and see how my taste has evolved. It’s gotten cleaner and more simpler with less “stuff” (less frilly) but I remember a time when I dreamed of having a house like the ones in that magazine. I love your storytelling and I too have moved on but I fondly remember reading those magazines. Funny, I had forgotten about that magazine but it brought back memories when you wrote about it. Thanks for sharing.

Patricia said,

Kristine said,

I am so sorry to hear about your dear Grandmother. I love your family and I loved the deer in the house. Okay…well I got use to them. You are an amazing romantic with a heart truer than none other. I loved to hear from your heart! May the Lord bless you in these times of reminiscing and his Spirit strengthen your hope and desire to hold close that true love you have felt in your life.

Hey, stranger–Sorry to meddle, but maybe, just maybe, you should save a few issues if you have space. You might want to peruse them again in another 10 years and see what comes to mind and where your heart takes you. In my 20s, I spent forever changing–moving from rural Kentucky to Los Angeles and trying to make everything from a tiny, unique attic apartment to school institutional-type apartment beautiful. I thought I changed a lot from those roots. In my 30s though, I appreciate the roots again. My style’s different and I’m different, but that young girl from Kentucky is still inside me somewhere. Save a few copies to show your children (if you have or want them) or nieces, nephews, or other important people in your life. Someday you might be the grandmother sharing a magazine with her granddaughter and it will be important to you.

Brittany said,

I adored this post, I can’t fathom why anyone would unsubscribe from you for it. It was a beautiful way to express the emotional connections we often hold with objects of nostalgia, especially when they are attached to a particular person. Please don’t allow the unsubscribers to discourage you from writing like this when you feel called to in the future. :)

As a fellow lover of Victoria magazine, I identify with your feelings. I have a large collection of the magazines, but not all of them. I’m not at the point where I’m willing to let them go yet, but I recognize that life moves on, and that the charm of Victoria was specific to a certain time in my life. I don’t have the time to spend with them that I once had, and I wonder sometimes if I ever will. Maybe it’s a matter of priority.

Your post from the heart is beautiful. I’m adding you to my list of blogs I’m following.

Karen N. said,

Lovely, well-written, and heartfelt. I put aside my Victorias once, when I was in a very different place. Now, I’m very grateful I didn’t toss them, as I literally read them nightly and they feed my beauty-starved soul as nothing else does. I wouldn’t toss my Jane Austen, or Dickens, or The Iliad, either…even though I read them as a younger person. There’s always a part of my soul that responds to beauty, intelligence, warmth and feminitity, no matter what the styles might be at the moment. Victoria does reflect a moment in time, yes, but it’s timeless in the subject matter. There’s nothing like it on the shelves, that’s certain.
I appreciated Real Simple for other qualities-practical info and swift answers, but find its over-designed pages and cleaned-out sterility tiring and cliche these days, and don’t bother to read it.
I’m so glad I can wade through the deeper waters of Victoria (the original, not the souless “Vikki” that bears its name, but hardly its spirit). Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to the subsequent posts.

I liked Victoria also, usually in an article not the whole picture but there was always that one item that I just loved. But being a grandma, I can’t help obsessing on what happened with you and your grandmother. Is it somewhere else in your blog? What could we possibly do to estrange a granddaughter? I will read on.

Thanks for sharing the touching post. Grandparents are dear to my heart, and has always been a soft spot for me in my life….it was my grandparents who really raised me as a child, not my parents. So when they both passed..exactly a year apart, i took it hard, but always know and have comfort they are with me in spirit =).

Rhean said,

Thank you for sharing such a precious part of yourself. I’ve never read Victoria magazine, but I will certainly take a look at it now. May your happy memories of your grandmother always stay close to your heart. <3

I stumbled across your blog while doing a 1 am google search for back issues of Victoria magazine. Like you I fell in love with them as a teen, collected them for a decade & then outgrew them & got rid of them. I’m now in a place in my life were I’d love to have them back to share with my little girl. If you haven’t tossed them or already given them away I’d love to buy them from you. You can email me at thebluemoonmama@gmail,com

this is a beautiful post & I’m coming back tomorrow to enjoy looking thru the rest of your blog. It is loveley & you have a very engaging writing style.

Victoria was one of my favourite magazines back in the day too. Like you, I was very excited to see it being published again. My eager anticipation turned to disappointment when I read through the first issue of the new Victoria and frankly, it has been less than inspiring ever since. What I find interesting is how good the old Victoria magazine still holds up to this day. It’s still beautiful and it’s still inspiring.

Barbara Stopinski said,

I love Victoria magazine very much. I have all the issues up to year 2000 when Nancy left. After December, 2000 I did not subscribe to the non Nancy Lindemeyers creations of my beloved magazine. I did not like it at all.
The other editors failed to capture the true essence of Victoria that Nancy was able to do.

At one time I did not have th entire collection. I started buying the magazine and later subscribing in 1989. I was missing all of 1988, 1987 and part of 1989 as I found the magazine in October 1989. Then in 1993 I took a stack of the magazines to read while on a camping trip. My husband was making a fire and decided to use many of my Victoria magazines as kindling. Good thing I was there otherwise he would have burned all of them. When I started yelling he could not understand why I would want to save magazines that were several years old. Why, indeed.

I have since completed my entire collection. I found a woman online who wanted to part with hers for no charge except asked that I pay for postage. I was ecstatic and received some 25 magazines from her. Just recently I found someone else who is sending me 1987 and 1988.

I read this magazine nightly and since this is September I have all the September years on my nightstand. Next month I will be reading October. I would not part with these magazines for anything.

So great to read Nancy Lindemeyer’s statement about Victoria magazine being for people who loved their grandmothers and hoping it would instill in readers a sense of “what to hold onto that expresses the best of we have to give”. I felt that sentiment in every issue of the magazine when she was its editor in chief. Like you, I looked forward to Victoria’s arrival – and was amazed by the attention to endless elegant details.
I was so glad to see here the wonderful photographer’s name “Toshi Otsuki”. Photographer’s credits never interested me until I began admiring Mr. Otsuki’s work in Victoria. Many of Otsuki’s photos seemed as if they were emerging from a dream or coming into focus from the early-dawn fog of a crisp, spring day.