being a loving, faithful servant to the spirit of god

Thirty years ago tonight, I died upon that road.
All the hopes and dreams I had never to be told.
No wife, no kids, no house to see…
I wonder what the world would be
if there had not been me.

Thirty years ago tonight, life whispered in the wind,
Signaling the beginning and calling on the end.
Jesus loves then forgives my sin…
I tremble at the scars within
as the devil grabs my soul and puts it in the bin.

Thirty years ago tonight, a jury had been called.
Destiny set sail to sea, and spirit not be stalled.
The universe refused to blink…
I fumble with the words and think
with unnurtured relationships some lives never sink.

Thirty years ago that night, I died upon the road.
Releasing bonds never made is a freedom bestowed.
Unrealized grief goes free…
I wonder what the world would be
if there had not been me.

I wonder how your world would be…

if there had not been me.

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i’m dead inside – i forgot how to build the fire
to set a lit to my soul’s desire
voices in the night sing my name
they hum soft words to keep me tame
clouds…clouds…clouds gray
so empty my thoughts no longer stay
a world of warm colors fades
panic slices my life with blades
god i hate me that is now me
unable to love what I see
open these lifeless eyes to stare there
at a fan circling the dust in the air
close them what does it matter
my hopes scatter
drowning
invisible
poof

Done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right Oh I, Oh I’ve done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right At This Point in My Life – Tracy Chapman

Don’t equate me staying afar as not being capable of love, because everything in me hurts for the broken words. I just hope you are happy because that is all that I wanted. That’s all I ever wanted, so I write this post with a broken heart but happy soul. I have prayed and prayed and prayed to God asking for answers. So I write this post, not to be selfish, but to take your pains and troubled times, now and forever more. See…

First came the rain – then fell the snow
I never forgot – therefor I know
The weight of ice broke my grip
I no longer bother to make the trip
Underneath the white – shielded by a tarp
Two seeds of tomorrow – deserve a fresh start
I feel the joy they celebrate
What they think of me I can only speculate
First came the rain – then fell the snow
I never forgot – therefor I know
I’ll serve your pain on judgment day
All your life’s debt I prepay
It’s the least that I owe – praying from afar
Cause I will be there – wherever you are

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t wanna go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I amIris, The Goo Goo Dolls

Billions of souls scream for a chance, for one person to know them, this opportunity, this blip in the damn vastness of space and heaven. That one person that fate brought together, that gets you, knows you, your stupid quirks, your jokes, your mistakes, your faults – not the fucking world, not your parents, not your friends, not even God, – but that one, that one, that one that you feel at the pit of your stomach when she touches your arm to say she loves you even after you have fucked up so many times. When she is away, your soul is hollow. When she drops her dress, the universe clears and all that you suffered melts away. That you would walk those 1000 miles for. That you would hold for an infinity if it meant healing her pain. That you would sacrifice your soul so that she is happy.

Damn you God for making this urge. Damn you God for making love hurt. I hate you for sparking the seed and then stepping away. I hate you for the millions of people that cry themselves to sleep at night because of loneliness, that extinguish their lives so early because YOU, YOU, YOU, A DIETY, a lonely god, want us to suffer, want us to crave love. God, are you lonely? Is that it? You figured heaven gets cold at night for the past billion years, so why not the rest of us, why not punish us for your insecurities.