The Annual Mailbag April 2016

At the start of every month, we open our mailbag to answer reader questions! Send yours to Mailbag@TheAnnualOnline.com

Are you weirdos okay? I’ve noticed half of your posts have been going up irregularly in the past month. Usually you keep to a crisp 9am schedule for fresh material. Somedays I’m waiting until 1pm or even 4 in the afternoon. Yesterday you failed to post anything! What gives? -Jason D.

Ah, the inevitable “are you okay?” question. Posts have been slightly erratic the last month. I’m balancing a full time job and rehearsals for Oedipus Rox! at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre (casual plug) in addition to running the site. Sometimes that means I come home from work and sleep for 24 hours instead of writing a post for the next day. We’ll be back to normal and feeling relatively healthier in a week.

My favorite Stone Cold Pack of Weirdos, I love your site but I’ve got some personal issues I’m dealing with. Namely, it’s prom season and I’m staring down the barrel of loneliness. Is there a way I can psych myself up to ask anyone out? Am I just typing into the void? – Stephen J.

Hey Stephen, can we call you Steve? How about Steph? Let’s go with Steph, change that ph to a v if you have a real issue with it.

Of course you’re not typing into the void! We’re here for you now, we always have been and we likely will be for months maybe even years to come. Now Steph, if you want a hot date for Prom, you’re going to need to learn how to ask questions properly. You can’t half-ass this and you absolutely can’t pick a random girl (or boy) at school and shout “WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME OR AM I SHOUTING INTO THE VOID?” at them. At best they will say no, more likely than not, they will refuse to acknowledge you at all, leaving your classmates to assume you’re some freak shouting into the void. I recommend enrolling in an Intro to Communications class at your local community college, there you are sure to learn the basics of inquiry. It won’t guarantee you a yes, but it’ll likely get you a “maybe” or an “I’m already going with Steve.”

Weirdos, I am currently stranded on the side of I-295. Supplies are running low. Can anyone pick me up? -Nick V.

Hi Nick, please go through the official Uber app when scheduling rides. We don’t exactly trust you to “venmo us back” after what happened last time.

Dear Weirdos, my parents have been fighting a lot lately. How can I teach them to love again? -Anonymous

Have you considered funneling their discontent into a one man show? Many find the experience to be cleansing and your parents will be able to look on proudly as their only child shares their insecurities with the world via “character study.”

Are you sure you’re okay? You look awfully tired. -Wesley C.

YES!

Weirdos, my little brother has gone through my vast collection of Where’s Waldo novellas and circled Waldo on every page. The damage is irreparable. I simply cannot enjoy the travels of Mr. Waldo when I am able to find him within seconds. How can I make this right? -Shirley B.

Shirley, as an older sister it is exceedingly simple to gain the upper hand. With enough preparation you could potentially see every PG-13 movie before your younger brother. Consume this content. Every DVD in the house. Write the ending on a slip of paper and leave it in the DVD box for your brother to find as he grows older. Check Mate.

Mr. Yasin, this is truly exciting news! Please forgive me for not referring to you by your first name, other humor publications have gotten in serious trouble for that in the past. I hope you will accept this open response as positive, I could really use 7.5M to settle some of my gambling debts.

Listen, a lot of your coworkers and family have been talking and we’re really worried about you. You need help. Please just be honest with us… are you okay? -Jordan M.

Yes! Yes! Everything is under control, just give me til the weekend. I’ve got a lead on 7.5Mil and once that comes through it’ll all be okay.

How did you have so many letters in your first mailbag when this is a brand new segment? -Peter P.

We wrote them ourselves*, but you can get into the May mailbag by emailing mailbag@theannualonline.com