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I have been in a polyfi triad for a little over 6 months. I am dating two people who are married and have been together several years before I knew them. Our relationship is pretty good, but we are just at the point of running out of NRE. This week, I found out I am pregnant. We have taken things very, very slowly sexually, and I think that makes it even more surprising to me, even though of course I knew it was possible. I know they do not want children, but we never discussed unplanned pregnancy. I need to talk to them about it asap, as I know if I decide to terminate I will want to do it before 6 weeks, but I really have no idea the best way. Should I talk to him first, if I do will she feel like I am keeping it from her? Should I just tell them tomorrow over dinner? I am so lost right now, and I think my biggest fear is what it will do to our relationship. We have weathered a lot, but nothing like this. I don't know what kind of advice I am looking for really, just something.

I think in your shoes I would tell them both together. You're all in a relationship together, and this is a big piece of news. Maybe explain when you arrange to meet that you have something important to discuss so that they are at least a bit mentally prepared, but definitely tell them very quickly. You are all going to need as much time as possible to wrap your collective heads around this and come to a decision that feels right. Try not to be scared. Even though your relationship is fairly new, I'm sure you're not in the habit of dating unkind people, so I'm sure they will both be supportive.

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People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

However, I'm of the opinion that no matter what he thinks or she thinks, you need to be the one to make this decision.

So, no matter how this conversation goes, I suggest you take a day or two and journal, run, listen to music, drive, paint, sit in nature, or do whatever it is you do to clear your head and get in touch with what you really want. It may be different from what they want in one direction or the other, and involved though they are, this affects you the most and you need to make the decision that is right for you.

What do you want hon? It's ok if you don't know. Do you want children at all? Do you want a child now? Can you raise a child alone if need be? (I really hope that is not the case if you want to keep the baby but something to think about.)

Do tell them together as others have suggested. And watch their reactions then, and their reactions later on. Those reactions - in the moment and after they have time to think about it - will tell you a lot about them and your relationship with each of them.

If you see yourself as being in a relationship with him, and she is his wife but not your girlfriend/partner/spouse, than speak with him and let him inform her.

If you see yourself as being in a relationship with both of them, then tell them both yourself. If you trust them not to gang up on you, tell them together. If you think they might try to team up and push for what they want before you've had a chance to work through your thoughts, tell them separately. If it is feasible/possible/reasonable tell them in person. If (for any reason, including your mental/emotional health) telling them in person is not a good idea, call them or send an email.

A few years ago I wrote a book on Polyamory and Pregnancy, including a section on handling unexpected pregnancy. It's up on Amazon, or send me a PM and I'll be happy to email you a copy.