Massawyrm observes and reports on PAUL BLART: MALL COP!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Every once in a while a movie comes along that sports a trailer that just drops your jaw and creates an audible POP as air rushes into the vacuum created by your balls shooting back into your abdomen to hide. And sometimes, when you have a job like mine, you have to see said film and give it a fair shake. But before you walk in, a version of that movie plays in your head that threatens your sanity with its soul crushing banality. And then the movie starts. And it is every bit as bad as you thought it was. No more. No less. Not a single surprise to break up the monotony. That movie, rather predictably, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
I almost can’t even believe I’m typing those words. Just say it out loud. Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It has this strange, almost ethereal sound that simply sucks the life out of the room – like it was some phrase Gandalf uttered to hold back the Balrog or something. PALLBLART MOLKOP – NONE SHALL PASS!!! Recent scientific studies show that each word uttered actually shortens your lifespan by a minute. And you can believe that, because it’s science. Just say those words one more time – but this time try to imagine a universe in which this movie was a good idea. Now thank God for putting your ass firmly entrenched in a universe where it wasn’t.
This movie is exactly what it looks like. It is Die Hard with fat jokes. And I’m not even trying to be clever. It’s fucking Die Hard. Almost every major scene and every major plot point has some kind of reference here. They steal so many great moments and ALMOST try to parody them at points - without ever possessing any sort of knowledge as to how to appropriately parody said scenes – that it almost becomes offensive to fans. And while they never approach a Seltzer/Friedberg level of “Do you get it, do you get it, do you get it,” it’s never done in a manner in which either A) the audience interested in seeing it will even get it and B) the audience that get it will find it in the slightest bit funny.
Hey look! It’s the crawling through the vent scene – only this time the fat guy falls through knocking out the bad guys! Ooooh! It’s the “villains commenting on the swat team’s by-the-book tactics” scene! Oh! The big roof fight! And the sniveling guy who gives up the girlfriend! And the surprise shot from a shaky gun scene! BUT WITH FAT JOKES! In fact, there are very few scenes in this NOT directly lifted from the 1988 classic. It’s almost not so much a film as it is a Kevin James Sweded vanity project.
And it made me laugh. ONCE. And the joke isn’t really worth repeating.
The rest of the film is just as lifeless, dull and uninspired as it looks. And it is every bit as good as director Steve Carr’s previous efforts Daddy Day Care, Rebound, Next Friday, Dr. Doolittle 2 and Are We Done Yet? If you’ve seen any ONE of these films, you know the level of quality to expect from Paul Blart: Mall Cop. This is not a guy you go to when you want to make a quality family film. He’s the guy you go to when no one else will take your calls.
Look, I like Kevin James. The guy has a quality to him that is just plain likable. He could very well be playing a great, charismatic every man in solid comedies. But his buddies over at Happy Madison aren’t doing him any favors by letting him swing at these low pitches in the dirt. This is just a classically shitty movie that will become this year’s buzzword for bad movies. Expect to hear the occasional “Well, it’s no Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” when referring to something weak- whether or not ANYONE bothers to see this lame ass festering dung pile. I could go on and on about this, questioning the asinine choice to make all the villains X-Games bronze medalists or the fact that it’s nothing short of a 90 minute Segway commercial – but really, what’s the fucking point? This movie was just a bad idea seen to its logical conclusion. There’s nothing you can pull out and say “this is where it went wrong” short of the point at which someone said “Hey, let’s remake Die Hard with an overweight, narcoleptic, hypoglycemic rent a cop.” You know it’s shitty. I sure as hell know it’s shitty. Let’s just call it a day, huh?
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm

his standup is great, king of queens was entertaining enough...so yeah, it was sad to see him attached to this thing. he needs to be in comedies, and not ones that rely on his size- just his 'everyman' qualities.<P>i heard two middle aged women talking about movies the other day at lunch- one sheepishly said 'i want to see that mall cop movie'..and the other was like 'what movie'..and the first replied even more embarassed..'um..paul blart..mall cop?'<P>i swear i heard crickets before they were sucked into the vacuum of silence created by her friends. until another one changed the subject to a better movie and i think the first woman went into the bathroom to cry.

and that is pretty much why this movie got made...Is there a scene at the start of the movie where a young Paul Blart is dressed up as a police officer because that's what he wants to be when he grows up? Then he gets made fun of by the neighborhood kids because his name rhymes with fart? That's how I would start the movie if i was writer/director and if I had been given a frontal lobotomy.

i'm not a plant or supporter of mall cop, but come on- there's no comparison. blart at least is a comedic homage...like a 'what if die hard happened in a mall with a fat loser mall cop?'..where as the epic movie flicks don't even parody- they're just like 'look- it's captain jack sparrow! and then he breakdances.<P>i liken mall cop to the level of alot of the SNL cast's first movies. an overlong skit based on a character that wasn't that great to begin with. it's just sad because i'd figure kevin james would be past stuff like this by now.

How could anything called PAUL BLART: MALL COP, from Happy Madison, be anything but a ground-breaking, poignant satire on the socio-economic impact of laissez-faire capitalism on one man who is forced to choose between his coupon for Gloria Jeans or his coupon for Dippin' Dots?

Come on, Massa, where's the chunks-in-shit metaphors? As bad as this is supposed to be, I'd expect new heights of hilarious scatological commentary. I guess, though, it was just so bad you didn't think it deserved the effort.
Maybe you'll Blart Harder next time. (Thanks for making me smile, Spandau Belly)
My new sig will be "Live Free or Blart Hard!"

I was gonna go with "Kevin James Gotta Eat", but, yeah that's kind of a fat joke, isn't it. Anyway I like him too, I still watch King of Queens reruns. Hopefully Blart does well enough to get some higher quality scripts sent his way.

<p>Watcha gonna do?</p>
Watcha gonna do when they hassle you?</p>
<p>Mall Cops, Mall Cops.
Doin' what they please.</p>
<p>They got a walkie-talkie and a bunch of keys.</p>
Thanks to the fine folks at Street Cents for that little gem.

3 Stars http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090114/REVIEWS/901149986 Phrases like "astonishingly inventive" and "drop-dead hilarious" were dropped (the latter appeared in the paper, but not in the online review. This WILL be the #1 movie this weekend, whether it needs it or not, and look for the gushing Ebert blurbs to be splashed across the newspaper & TV ads. Sure it looks pretty stupid, but my 8 yo boy cracks up at ever yad & really wants to see it.

Because he looks twice the size he used to on King of Queens. Pretty soon he'll be making "Henry Farfegnugen, Shut In" where Adam Sandler plays a retarded boy named Pooperhead Johnson who lives next door to a hugely fat man who can't even leave his bed, let alone his house.<p>
Sandler's character brings Farfegnugen buckets of fried chicken and boxes of doughnuts each day out of a simpleton's love. It's a love story, really.<p>
It could be a "parody" of Titanic. In the end, the house collapses under the sheer weight of Farfegnugen. Pooperhead Johnson, unable to climb out, allows Farfegnugen to eat him in order to survive just one more day. Celine Dion and Slayer team up to provide a haunting soundtrack.

...with my friend's 12-year-old son. When the ad for this abomination came on, I instinctively turned to him and said, "I bet you want to see this." He laughed and said. "Yeah, it looks funny." Then, while Paul Blart skidded across the floor, he fell into fits of laughter. So, there's your audience. Also, t?his movie reminds me of "Who's Harry Crumb?" and the whole "Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy" skit from MST3K.

You really ought to read more! Thanks for the love, though. I need it.<p>
I'd ask to add you as a friend on facebook, but I don't have a facebook account.<p>
Instead, I opened up an account on blumpkin.com - it's way better for networking in Hollywood. But keep it a secret. I don't want my "sure thing" to end up like Ben Affleck's career.<p>
By the way, did you hear that Ben Affleck just got cast in a new show? He'll be playing Gary Coleman in the autobiographical series "Just Shoot Me, Man!", set to air on the CW.

Trying to steer you away from the real eyeball fucking of 2009, Paul Blart: Mall Cop!<p>
This is just the first step in a series of Paul Blart movies, that move the cinematic artform firmly forward into the 21st century. Next up is a Terminator homage, in which an evil killer robot from the future is sent back to kill Paul Blart, because in the future he single-handedly saves humanity. It is a showdown in the mall, featuring an exciting segway chase and some tasteful Blart nudity for the ladies...

The cookie-cutter house families are loving this movie. James is Chris Farley without the drug addition. Look, a fat guy that's funny. Yes, it's mindless, but the producers are aiming for that demographic, making a movie that the family will bond at and bring in more money than the comic book nerd will blog about. Flame the film all you want but Betty Crocker doesn't care.

Doesn't sound bad. Can't be any worse than that fucking piece of shit Die Hard 4 this site pimped. <P> Fuck this. I'm boycotting the shit out of Watchmen, Avatar, and Wolverine and paying for Paul Blart three fucking times. I won't actually sit through the piece of shit, I'll sneak into something better.

According to Yahoo news, Circuit City will start liquidating merchandise tomorrow morning through March as a result of their bankruptcy. Danny, I know you really do want a BluRay, time now to pick up a cheapie.

I saw Observe And Report in its entirety at a screening on the WB lot this past September. Its not great, but its not horrible either. This Blart shit looks pretty fucking horrible. Observe And Report at least has Ray Liotta and Michael Pena is actually funny in that shit. Seth Rogen is sadly not that great though. I walked in expecting him to transcend all that talk of him being one-note, and a grating note at that, but if you walk into that movie with a bad opinion of him, its most likely gonna stay that way. The best thing you can say about him in it is he's at least a little bit tougher than the bitchy stoner he's played in every other movie.

and Anna Faris is getting better as she does more movies. Who knew? I actually thought she was funny in that movie. But overall I'd give Observe And Report a 6.5 or 7 out of 10. 7 if I'm feeling generous.

Just as Disney's rat-dog movie opened big to families, this too is a family friendly-PG rated comedy that shoots across the lowest common denominator. The teenagers will clog Valentine, Mr. and Mrs. Suburban Family will see this. Bet both open very close to one another in the low to mid 20 million dollar range.

...can we dispense with the paragraphs of tired "so bad I literally punched my wife in the face" attempts at jokes and the "There's a moment so ungodly horrible I shit my pants...but I won't tell you about it" teases and just get a list of the worst moments from the film?

Honestly ... what marketing genius decided that instead of calling the movie MALL COP it should be called PAUL BLART: MALL COP? Were they trying to find the biggest, un-memorable, mouthful of a title they could find? Idiotic. Advertising 101 and they blew it. I can almost hear the genius now "Paul Blart" is a funny sounding name! People will love it! ______ No. They'll forget it, stupid. MALL COP was the way to go and they over thought it to death.

Let's just get them all out of the way in one post : Dr. Blart, From Blart with love (or From Russia with Blart), Blartfinger, Thunderblart, You only Blart twice, On Blart's secret service, Diamonds are Blart, Live and let Blart, The Blart with the Golden Gun (or The man with the Golden Blart), The Blart who loved me, Blartraker, For Blart's eyes only, OctoBlart (Blartpussy?), Never Say Blart Again, A View to a Blart, The Blarting Daylights, Licence to Blart, GoldenBlart, Blart Never Dies, The Blart is not enough, Blart another day, Blartino Royale, Quantum of Blart. Phew!

though " like it was some phrase Gandalf uttered to hold back the Balrog or something. PALLBLART MOLKOP – NONE SHALL PASS!!! " was pretty hilarious, most of it could be summed up with the sentence including the directors other "works" including doctor doolittle 2. The fat guy in the lead is actually surprisingly mediocre as an actor. I think he was on opie&anthony or someshit. Sounds like a sweetheart, but fuck man, do something else.

This movie was home alone if kevin grew up to be kevin james the mall cop. That's it. I saw it after reading this review. I just had surgury on my ass and I thought that if I saw this movie that it would be painful enough to make me forget my ass pain for a couple hours. I was SHOCKED to arrive at the theater, 20 minutes late and not exactly in a hurry, to find that it had SOLD OUT. I got in and stood at the back for 10 minutes grimacing at the film and grimacing even more by the CONSTANT LAUGHTER from the crowd. I live in a medium sized fairly liberal city. I was literally thinking that I must have walked into a meeting of retarded Palin fans. But then I spotted a seat at the last row at the end of the row and the people were very warm in welcoming to sit next to them. I get a kind of addicted fulfillment from sitting in a theater watching a movie... so, I thought... well, I'm seeing Gran Torino and Doubt tomorrow... I can at least tolerate sitting in the theater thinking about how I'm not stuck watching an episode of Ghost Whisperer with my wife(who refused to see this movie with me despite how many times I gave her the sympathy after surgury plea look). Sitting down I started to see better and realized that the room was filled with families with kids. As I watched the movie and started laughing with everyone else I realized that I was watching a kid movie. Was it a good movie? No. Would I watch it again? Maybe with my nephews and nieces. Will there be a sequel? Absolutely there will be a sequel. Will I watch it in the theater? Only if I have to have ass surgury again and I can't drive farther than the 3 blocks to the mall theater that is only playing Hotel for Dogs and Marley and Me and Bedtime Stories.

The trailer looked deeply stupid, inanely sentimental, and Tom Hanks was doing some sort of a retard voice that made Larry Drake on L.A. LAW look like Olivier. And watching the movie, except for the effects to remove Sinise's legs, the movie had no surprise at all and was just a routine Hollywood "important" movie that is really just crap. It sucks, actually, when your expectations are met.

Wasn't it called Die Hard 4? <p>
Anyway, even though the film looks like absolute shit, I think a Die Hard parody, if done right, could actually work. It's still the greatest action film ever made. I watch it every Christmas morning. <p>
The strangest thing about this review was that Massawyrm wrote it and it was at times humorous and insightful. Wow, good job.

So, funny tangent: So tonight, AFTER this movie (rated PG), I rented The Goonies for my son and I (he's 8). Now I haven't seen that movie in at least 20 years, and stupid me is think "Oh, it's rated PG - no harm." HOLY FUCK. If they rated that movie now? An easy PG-13, possibly R for all the swearing and sex references. Has anyone had the fucking sense to go back and re-rate movies? seriously. I know, my fault for not pre-screening it - my memory's gone bad...

The Brothers Blart.<p>
After his heroism in the original, Paul Blart is hired by Fox News Channel to cover the big news stories when Joe the Plumber isn't available.<p>
Paul's slacker/nerdy brother Bill Blart (Patton Oswalt) manages to get a job as a production assistant. They are sent to Washington to cover a major peace signing treaty between various amusingly fictionalley titled Middle Eastern countries. Promised an interview with President Obama (The black guy from King of Queens) they accidentally allow terrorists to kidnap the President.<p>
Now it is up to the Brothers Blart to rescue the President, save the Middle East peace agreement, avoid being arrested for treason and for Paul to hook up with a far too hot to even look at him Presidential aide (Jennifer Alba or Beale, whoever is cheapest).<p>
The Brothers Blart, Spring 2010...

Lets not forget a scene where a passengers carry-on gets stuck in the x-ray machine. So PAUL BLART assists in pushing the offending piece of luggage through, only to have his security utility belt get snagged on the conveyor belt, feeding PAUL BLART through the x-ray machine. We view the interior of his stomach which includes a whole turkey leg, large pizza slice, several Big Mac tm hamburgers, and a small stuffed teddy bear. FAT PEOPLE ARE FUNNY.

by week 2. Cmon - the only reason it made a dime is the shit cold weather that kept people from being outside mixed with the fact that there is little else playing right now. They simply got lucky....the movie's shit. But that never stopped anyone from going to see it (yes, I'm talking about all of you who still swear Daredevil was a good movie and it made it reasonably commercially successful).

It's just a good family money -making movie. It's hard to find goofd movies to take your kids to that you as an adult can even remotely stand. This one's alright. It serves it's purpose. With all the skateboarding and moutain biking and parkour and the scene where Kj plays guitar hero or whatever in the arcade I think it's pretty clear this one was made with a younger audience in mind.

that reviews every shit film that nobody else was wanted to review? Has it always been this way and I missed it until now? Paul Blart, Bride Wars, Last Chance Harvey...Fuck, somebody send this poor bastard to a good film.

... went to see this movie, on account of the goodwill Kevin James has built up over the last ten years. <P>
Loved it. Laughed my ass off. <P>
Highbrow? No. Smart? Certainly not. Well made? Not by a long shot. Funny? Yep. <P>
Wait... did I just describe "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," or "Airplane!"?

i loved the first one, A NEW BLART... the exciting story of Luke Blartwalker, who joins up with Obi-Blart Kenobi and the droid Blart-2D2 to defeat Blart Vader and destroy the most terrible weapon in the galaxy, the Death Blart. but the real masterpiece was the 2nd film... THE EMPIRE STRIKES BLART. seeing Blart Solo frozen in Blartonite, the final confrontation where Blart Vader tries to seduce Luke to the Blart Side of the Force, to the stunning revelation when Vader tells Blartwalker, "Luke, I am your Blarter." what a movie!