Inhabitants of ‘New’ Planet Panic After Discovery By Humans

By Lewis Grossberger

Kepler 22B

Terrified residents of Kepler 22B are reported to be in a state of “alarm and dismay” over the discovery of their planet by scientists on Earth.

“Oh my God,” said one Kepler inhabitant, Gerald Xnzkfarb, a 3,437-year-old blintz trader. “This is the end of our civilization. Kepler 22B is a paradise of peace, love, good manners and intelligent, rational thought. Now we’re finished. We don’t stand a chance.”

The planet was discovered by NASA’s Kepler Space Telescope in 2009. This week, new research showed Kepler 22B lies in what scientists call the Goldilocks Zone—meaning it has the proper atmosphere and climate to support human life.

Barnaby Flbzxrson, philosopher king of the Kepler 22B Federation of Harmonious Nations, addressed a z-mail message to Earthlings, warning them to ignore what he called “overly positive estimates about us.”

“Seriously, you guys wouldn’t like it here,” he said. “It’s really awful. More like Rumplestiltskin than Goldilocks. There’s nothing to see, nothing to do, no place to go. And the rumors of fantastic drugs that are legal and free are completely false. Oh, dear, I’m such a bad liar.”

Reminded by reporters that Earth is 600 light years from Kepler 22B, Flbzxrson shuddered and said, “Too close, way too close.”

Intergalactic sources told Grossblogger that Earth has developed a terrible reputation throughout the universe and is being shunned by most intelligent life forms.

It's about time somebody spoke up about the stupidity and pointlessness of those inane fantasies that unreel while we're trying to get some sleep. Michael Chabon does so in the New York Review of Books.

You can now go to jail in Kazakhstan if you play the Borat fake national anthem instead of the real one. Serve you right. Atlantic

SHUT UP ALREADY ABOUT DON DRAPER

Why do the media have to explain everything with an empty reference to a non-existent television character? Slate

APOCALYPSE SOON

Has climate change reached the tipping point? Are things on planet Earth about to get irredeemably screwed up? Are we doomed? Yep. Salon

OUR BELOVED CONSTITUTION STINKS

It gives us unfair elections and a government that can't govern. NY Times

WEIRD DISEASES TO WORRY ABOUT

You've been too complacent and smug of late. Here's something to give you nightmares. Beast

WHY CAN'T A PRESIDENT HAVE A BEARD ANY MORE?

Obama would look great in one. But whiskers scare today's politicians. Slate

GREAT ART GOES ON A DIET

What if the great nudes of art history conformed to 21st-century ideals of beauty--i.e., lost weight? An Italian artist does some reimagining. Slide show from the Guardian

YOU'VE GOT AN iPHONE; NOW GET AN iDRONE

A personal-drone subculture is growing. Soon we'll all have one. What fun! HuffPost

THE TRAGIC DECLINE OF THE BAGEL

How the Lender family innovated to make its product cheaper, more convenient...and inferior. Slate

SPIDERS OVERRUN WAGGA WAGGA

Really. There was this flood in Australia and next thing you know....Atlantic

CASH IS DIRTY AND STUPID

A new book, The End of Money, asks: Why not get rid of the dumb stuff? Slate

CHANDRA BAHADUR DANGI IS VERY SHORT

In fact, the Guinness World Records book says the one-foot, nine-and-a-half inch-tall Nepalese man is the shortest adult person in the world. Chandra is self-employed, working as a freelance ottoman. HuffPost

THE GREATEST HOLLYWOOD NOIR NEVER MADE

The screenwriter of Hugo wrote it. Michael Mann was set to produce it. What was the problem? Money, naturally. Slate

IS YOUR CAT MAKING YOU CRAZY?

Tiny parasites from its litter-box leavings may be creeping into your brain, says a biologist. As a result, you are nuts. Atlantic.

TIME FOR APPLE TO STOP SCREWING ITS FACTORY SLAVES IN CHINA

The company needs to revolutionize the way it makes iStuff before its image--and profits--take a big hit, argues Farhad Manjoo in Slate.

THE NEW CALCULUS OF THE FAT ASS

In today's America, the people figuring out how many seats to cram into a train car must take into account the posterior-expansion factor. NY Times

SINKING SHIP: IS 'WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST' A MYTH?

Actually, there is no such rule. Lifeboat seats on passenger ships are assigned by cabin. BBC News Magazine explains how to abandon your ship correctly. Try to avoid panic. Remember your life vest.

HEY, YOU! GET OUT OF THE MEDIA!

Ten media people who need to stop being media people, according to Gawker.

HOW SMART IS AN OCTOPUS, ANYWAY?

Smarter than Rick Perry but then, who isn't? Anyway, this article from Orion is doubtless the best octopus piece ever.