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Santa

I know you’re busy with all your dashing and dancing and prancing and vixing, and I know you have mall appearances, party stops, photo ops, elf control, reindeer upkeep and sleigh polishing, not to mention Mrs. Claus’ to-do-list. So I thought I’d help you out by putting together a Naughty/Nice list that could save you a lot of time.

Do NOT leave gifts for these people/groups:

Any Kardashian/West. There’s nothing you can give them they can’t give themselves. Including pretentious names.

Any candidate for president of the USA. From Donald Trump to Bernie Sanders, these people deserve NOTHING. Correction: these people deserve to live like middle-class Americans for six months. Make it so.

(Let’s have our election Hunger Games-style.)

Any member of ISIS. Since they don’t celebrate Christmas anyway, I guess that’s not an issue. Maybe just have your reindeer poop on the Syrian headquarters.

Random people with guns. Not only should you NOT leave gifts, you should take their guns and hide them at the North Pole.

Anyone who posts a selfie. Get over yourselves!!!

These people/groups deserve something nice:

The Prince William/Kate Middleton Family. They are the epitome of freakin’ cuteness. They don’t need stuff. Maybe just keep them safe.

(The All-American family. If they were American.)

Pope Francis. He’s probably not that big of a gift guy, so you can give his presents to the poor.

Middle-class Americans: Hey, we’re just trying to make it through and shaking our fists in helplessness as politicians screw with our lives.

People who care for animals: As more animals are listed as endangered, these people bring attention to saving everything from elephants to whales. (Maybe don’t give them anything with fur or leather.)

Kids: But nothing electronic. Make sure they have to take their toys outside.

Like this:

Christmas is a time for making wishes–even those outrageously ludicrous wishes that involve Dunkin Donuts, sweat pants and unlimited calories. So if we’re making unrealistic wishes for Santa to grant, here’s my Christmas list:

Dear Santa,

I wish that:

Repubs and Demos can put their differences aside for the next two years, and actually focus on healing this country. What a concept!

I never have to see another picture of any Kardashian’s ass ever again.

(Another big Kardashian ass.)

Milk chocolate will be deemed the new health food–especially when it’s filled with caramel or poured over cashews.

North Koreans will develop a sense of humor.

Jon Stewart will announce his candidacy for president of the United States, with Stephen Colbert as his running mate.

People will stop shooting each other.

Pope Francis embarks on a world-wide tour, with the Dalai Lama as an opening act. Or Eminem.

(The Pope-Marshall Immortal Tour.)

People will stop asking me if I’m ready for Christmas. So much guilt! So much shame!

Every child in the world can go to bed with a full tummy.

The Mars Curiosity rover will find wreckage from the Star Trek Enterprise. Or Amelia Earhart’s plane.

Vladimir Putin will stand the hell down.

ISIS will self-destruct, or be eaten by a random band of zombies–who then self-destruct.

Girls in every country can attend school without fear.

Celebrities will stop talking about how “real” they are.

No one will ever say “gluten-intolerance” ever, ever again.

Governments will stop fixing blame, and start fixing problems.

And finally, I wish for peace. Not the Miss America kind, but a lessening of anger, a quieting of turmoil and an overall kindness to people worldwide. Is that too much to ask?

Like this:

Today’s blog is for children across the country who are pretty sure time has stopped completely. I know you think Christmas will NEVER come, but rest-assured you’ll be screaming around the Christmas tree in no time.

Here are some tips to surviving the next 8 days without going bananas:

Be patient with your parents. They have forgotten how important Christmas is. They don’t remember how it feels to think about Santa and presents and gifts and new toys and candy and stockings and surprises ALL DAY LONG.

Take a nap. Time passes much quicker when you’re sleeping. Sometimes I’ll sleep for several days in a row.

Ignore that creepy Elf on the Shelf. This little weasel is the opposite of what Christmas is about. In fact, if you have an Elf on the Shelf in your house, kidnap him and stuff him into your sock drawer.

(An appropriate place for EotS.)

When inspecting presents under the tree, don’t be too obvious. You don’t want to “accidentally” tear a corner and find you’re getting a pair of socks.

Be okay with getting socks. Or underwear. Or T-shirts. Santa knows these things are important–even if they make crappy presents.

Ask your mom several times each day if tomorrow is Christmas.

Make a list for Santa, and then change everything on your list on Christmas Eve. Just to keep Santa on his toes.

(Tell that sneaky-ass elf to leave your list alone!!)

Watch lots of TV. Get more toy ideas and beg your parents for those toys.

Play with your siblings. If Santa sees you being nice, maybe you’ll get that Xbox One.

Sing every Christmas song you know. At high volume. During dinner. And at 3 a.m.

Practice your times tables, read a book or do science experiments with fruitcake and firecrackers. Your teacher will be impressed you’ve kept up your skills during Christmas break.

Whine. Tell on your brothers and sisters. Fight. (Parents love it when you act like this. They really do.)

Before you know it, it will be Christmas morning. And then you’ll have to wait 365 days until the next Christmas holiday.

Like this:

I kept my hopes up all through Christmas Eve. I didn’t give up when I woke up and there wasn’t a new car in the driveway. I kept the faith and KNEW that Santa would be driving up in my black IS 350 Lexus convertible at any time.

I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And slowly my spirits were dashed against those Christmas rocks of reality. I hadn’t been that depressed since General Mills stopped making Sprinkle Spangles breakfast cereal.

(“Spangled every angle with sprinkles!”)

So I stayed in bed all day Monday trying to figure out what I had done, what sin I had committed, that would keep Santa from giving me my Lexus. In no particular order, I:

Threw a fit when I lost at Rack-O. Also, tennis, Clue, Chutes and Ladders, and Memory. (My 3-year-old granddaughter cheats.)

Wore white after Labor Day.

Didn’t return my overdue library book until I finished it.

Told my grandkids the SpongeBob SquarePants channel was broken.

(WAAAYYY too much intensity. Tone it down, Bob.)

Told my grandkids my TV was broken.

Didn’t give $1 to the homeless guy by the freeway

Ate all the cookie dough and blamed the dog

Stayed on the elliptical longer than my alloted 35 minutes. (How can I lose weight in 35 minutes?!?)

Watched YouTube videos about kittens instead of working.

I didn’t think these sins were particularly nasty–especially when there were LOTS of things I WANTED to do–but didn’t. But I guess they added up to one big empty driveway. Starting today, or maybe next week, I’ll be good.

Like this:

I’m very specific when it comes to holiday decorating. First, NO Christmas decorations can go up before Thanksgiving. Not even a tiny candy cane. Second, Christmas shouldn’t equal tacky.

(O Holy S**t! Do not stare directly into the display.)

I’m not the Martha Stewart of holiday decorating, but I do draw the line at the following Christmas adornments:

Anything inflatable. Whether it’s a snowman, a gaggle of penguins or Mary and Joseph, your front yard is NOT the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade. PLUS, during the day they lay across the lawn, uninflated, like used condoms.

Mixing Santa with the nativity. I’m pretty sure Santa didn’t drop by the manger to leave a remote control car for the Baby Jesus. WORSE: Having the nativity made up of non-nativical characters such as penguins, teddy bears and my personal favorite–dinosaurs!! Explain THAT evolutionists–or creationists, for that matter.

(Is this where the song “Duck the Halls” came from?)

Christmas lights where the drunk redneck obviously gave up halfway through the project. The first half of the roof is precise, even and brightly lit. The second half is barely hanging on to the eaves, sputtering light every few seconds.

Santa portrayed as Snoopy, a snowman, Mickey Mouse, etc. I’m a Christmas purist. Santa is a fat man with a white beard who is a possible diabetic, potential pedophile and a definite drunk.

Any decoration made out of empty beer cans.

Threatening Christmas ornaments. In most cases, Christmas should not be fear-inducing. If your child cringes when you put up your decorations, you might want to reevaluate. Grenade-laden Santas, terrorist snowmen and a gun-toting Rudolph should not adorn your Christmas tree.

(Okay, I admit. I’ll probably buy this.)

Big blow-up Santas hiding in the bushes. Not only does this violate the no-inflatables rule, let’s teach our children that old men are hiding in the shrubbery, watching their every move.

Santa peeing a stream of yellow christmas lights from the chimney to the virgin snow below. Yes, it was funny the first few times, but really?!?! We’re letting an incontinent old man pee off the roof?