Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sometimes I watch myself breathe and I think, "Yes, this is me breathing."

I wonder what I look like from another person's eyes. I wonder how I sound, how I move, how much sense I make to someone who doesn't absorb my every thought.

We are all the same, yet the details are different. The little experiences that build a person and shape them into who they become are so crucial to life - to eternity.

No, it isn't the experiences. It is the way we perceive our experiences that define who we will be.

I am sitting at the kitchen bar, trying to spit out a paper and it hit me - I leave in a week. Today I said goodbye to a handful of my close Logan friends, yet it doesn't seem real. It is almost as if I am watching myself live. I can hear myself speak, I am watching me move and my thoughts are so jumbled up that they don't make sense to me.

. . . but then I look down at my chest cavity and am entranced by the rhythmic up and down movement it makes and I know that it is me- I am breathing.

"I am good at this breathing thing."

My life is surreal. I feel like I am living a novel - a LDS bestseller.

The decision has been made and she knows she must leave.

She knows that if she doesn't go now she will never be able to swallow the lump

that has been lingering in her throat since she opened her call five months ago.

Love taunts her every move. Love?

Yet she knows she has to leave. Her every fiber knows it.

And so she jumps- knowing that the Lord will fill her wings with flight.

Okay, okay- maybe a tad bit cheesy, but that is just it. My life right now is so complex and so cheesy that it doesn't seem logical. Yet, it is perfect.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I leave in two weeks.
Mind blowing, but I am so ready to just get out there.

p.s. the reason my mouth is open at the end of the video is because I was in mid-yawn.
I must have fallen asleep soon after I recorded this because I woke up in this same position at six this morning. . . my light was still on, my computer was dead and I was slightly confused.

Monday, October 22, 2012

This post is about ice cream and life.
Sometimes life gets hard, but ice cream always makes it a little bit sweeter.

Grandma RueLeen used to have a bowl of ice cream after dinner every night. I remember the vanilla frozen cream covered with chocolate and sprinkles. It was always chocolate and sprinkles. And when I would spend the evenings there you had to eat it just like her- stir it until it was all melted together and then eat the outside, or the more melted part, and work your way in.

At Grandma's ice cream made everything better.

Last week in institute Elder Cherrington asked, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" and then today the answer was given - compounds. "If compounds didn't exist life would be static." (Refer to 2 Nephi 2:11)

I have never felt so scared in my life- I have never felt so conflicted and torn. . . I have never felt so alone.

I was driving back to Logan, the sun was setting and as I went underneath the overpass near the Willard Bay exit I saw how red the eastern mountains were due to the reflection from the sunset. Then I turned to my left and saw how bright the last rays of sun stretch from behind the threatening storm clouds before lying down for the night.

That was my ice cream.

Everything suddenly seemed sweeter.

I am not alone.
There are arms being stretch forth towards me.
The arms of Christ.

We have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who has felt our pains, He has felt alone, He has felt fear and He is the only one who can truly understand what we are going through. He took upon Himself these sufferings so that we wouldn't have to alone. So that when we hit those rough days He can give us hope and remind us of the sweetness of life.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

When a girl gets her ears pierced it is a defining moment into entering womanhood. At least it was for me- I still remember going over to the salon with my mom, the sweaty palms, butterflies swarming inside my stomach and the pinch that suddenly turned to burning as the lady pierced my right ear lobe and then the left. But then when I looked into the mirror through tears that were puddling in my eyes I felt older, more responsible and beautiful.

Sweet Rilee got her ears pierced today. She isn't eight yet, but she wanted me to be there. And since I won't be here when she turns she was the exception to the rule. She was so brave.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

As of Sunday I am officially in the month of lasts- meaning I have one month before I am sleeping in the MTC (Missionary Training Center). A month isn't very long, so I am trying to cherish all the little moments I have now before I leave- before my whole life changes. (Good changes of course.)

So much happens in a course of a day that is so significant in a person's life, but yet so simple that we take these amazing things for granted. . .

I especially love the moments that we can all relate to- and so I have made a list.
Please enjoy my list-That moment when:

The juice from my apple runs down my wrist and I think, 'that is one good apple'.

I laughed at the girl in my family finance class for doing the head-bob, then realized

I was the victim of the 'bob' during my next class.

My ceramics teacher said I was doing well- I swear I am going to fail that class

I suddenly realized how hot I was in my class and I couldn't get my jacket

off fast enough.

I roll my ankle walking on flat ground, people were watching, it was funny-

BUT NO ONE LAUGHED.

I realized I can't do more than 10 push-ups at a time anymore. . .

I working on it!

I wake up refreshed because I got more than six hours of sleep - and then realized