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I will be the first to admit that I don't like change. I like my comfort food, my comfort cloths, and my comfort zones. Not that I can't venture out occasionally; I enjoy trying a new dish, a new club, a new friendship, or a new pastime. But there is something comforting in the solid certainty that, if I want it, I'll be able to order the same meal, come home to the same bed, and talk to the same friends.
All of which has my current life situation leaving me with the low-level heebie jeebies. In a very short period of time, I've ended a a serious personal relationship, ended a long-running job, changed homes, and so forth.
In a time period that is indefinite but long enough to train the replacement, I'll be done at the game store. For most people in my age group, this would be a fleeting bother, hardly worth mentioning. Perhaps a bit more frustrating, as the type of store is certainly more interesting than, say, a clothing store (of course, your opinions may vary). Most people in my age group wouldn't have been at a job for as long as I've been, either. Anafranil 75mg pills $132.00 i'm currently working on my eighth year of employment for the local game shop. Eight years. That's pushing a third of my life that I've been doing this job, longer than the time i spent in Middle and High school combined.
It's no wonder, than, that a large portion of my self-identity is tied so closely to the store. My friends are gamers. My road trips are for tournaments. My internet history is CCG forums and industry publishers. And added to that is the fact that I am, for many, the face of the store. I am, in a serious way, this store. Ending that connection is an odd feeling, leaving me questioning not only the change in employment, as any job change would, but questioning also who I am without this community.
My living situation, as of now, is in a big house, hippies included. This could certainly be a worse situation. The food is, if odd anafranil 75mg pills $132.00, at least healthier than three day old pizza. The public spaces are mostly clean. We have from veggies from the garden, hand-made clothing, and interesting guests. Sure there are annoyances; I lost an argument about a dryer, and instead a laundry line is used. But there will be annoyances anywhere, and the ones at this household are on the minor side.
I have history with one of the housemates. Such a loaded phrase, that, but one best able to simply sum up the multitudes of give and take that come with exposure over such a long period of time. This is a person who, at one point, I reasonably expected to spend the rest of my life with, in one form or another. Someone whom I've watched grow into the person they are, and who has helped me grow. But the relationship, as perhaps all relationships are fated to do in time, has strained, and stretched, and broken. [anafranil 75mg pills $132.00] I speak not of the lack of passion or the sharp pains or anger and regret that come with any argument. Those feelings faded to background noise long ago. No, I talk about the sharp break that happens between any two people when disagreements become too much.
Any relationship, romantic familial or otherwise, is based on a certain amount of give and take. You'll accept being wrong, being used, or being needed, because you know that the same thing could happen in reverse next time. But what happens when one is no longer willing to suffer that inequity? Pain, and change.
And with the ending of that, so too am I moving to a new home. Those who know me well know how much I despise moving. Aside from the comfort zone issue, the actual moving itself is a hassle. My bibliophile nature means that packing and unpacking is a monumental chore, and the actual moving is back-breaking labor.
Finding a new place to live is proving more difficult that I had anticipated. Although I had originally discounted living alone as an unfeasible plan, and expected to move cities, my best bet right now is looking to be staying in Santa Rosa in a single room. Santa Rosa itself is, oddly enough, cheaper in rooms for rent than any other the other local suburbs.
But do I really want to stay? With age comes wisdom, and a certain sense of self-knowledge. I know that I'm making choices based at least in part on emotional responses. I'm staying in Santa Rosa because, even with all the changes, it's familiar. Why anafranil 75mg pills $132.00 not just pack up and go? Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Paris, London, Madrid, Tokyo, Dubai? I have no obligations, and a billfold that could conceivably see me comfortably settled in such a new place.
Perhaps no obligations is an overstatement. I do have employment at a more than reasonable wage. But it's as a part-time contractor, and it has been very precisely explained to me that the position I have is subject to abrupt evaporation, based upon corporate events that are in their entirety beyond my control. And I have family a short distance away, in Bodega Bay. But Bodega Bay is not Santa Rosa, and though an hour's travel is different than a day's, they are more alike that a five minute hop, skip, or jump.
For the time being, this will remain Confessions of a Game Store Clerk. Consider me ronin, perhaps. A clerk with no store to serve. But my psyche grasps for identity, and I continue to find it in this community.
But I'll not be surprised if more things continue to change.