What Can We Expect From Pac-Man: The Reality Series?

Pac-Man is a celebrity, and has his own eponymous choreography (and song), but he will not be appearing on Dancing with the Stars. He loves to work out, and has a sort of jaundiced tan—washing clothing is not necessary, as we believe that yellow outfit he wears is his “skin”—but he won’t be joining the G.T.L. crew on Jersey Shore either. And while his love of stalking specters and inability to make anything but nonsense noises every time he opens his mouth makes him an ideal guest, he will not be appearing on Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Instead, Pac-Man will star in his own reality series. Sort of.

Apparently, a previously incomprehensible, but long dreamed of, collaboration between Merv Griffin Productions (Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Dance Fever, Let’s Play Post Office) and Namco Bandai Games America (Pac-Man World Rally, Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 2, Afro Samurai, Tank! Tank! Tank!) has finally come to fruition, and will be responsible for unleashing this whomping dose of wakka-wakka onto the TV-viewing public.Given the presence of the word “reality” in the program’s concept, we envisioned the opportunity to see Pac-Man—and perhaps Ms. Pac-Man—hanging out at home, eating fruit and white dots, and chasing his nemeses Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde. Sadly, this is not the case. Instead, the series (or, perhaps more appropriately, one-off failed pilot) will consist of a human-based horde running around a giant maze in what has been described as the “world’s biggest game of tag”, but which sounds to us more like the tortures endured by Theseus, or that kid in The Shining.

We wonder: will someone in this game be dressed as Pac-Man, and if so, how will they operate their giant mouth, and how will they move about, absent any discernible legs? Also, not to be sticklers, but we would like to point out that Pac-Man did not “tag” his victims; he consumed or deflated them. Finally, we would like to stress our belief that the inclusion of this collection of Pac-Man tribute videos—many of which are live-action—in our recent list of the Top 10 Worst Top 10 lists of 2010 had nothing to do with this.