Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Week 3 – Rocky Mountain Highs & Lows

One-Sentence Summary: We hear that Taylor is fragile and fighting for her marriage… over and over and over.

Dear Lord, please get me through another season with these women.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel: I’m giving everyone fair warning… I am watching tonight’s episode from my sick bed with medicine head & clogged ears (Happened during the flight home from my amazing Winey Bitches Jersey Getaway Weekend… only the most exotic locales for these girls). So, if I’m a bit unforgiving, that is why. Granted, tonight’s crank is really only a shade of gray away from my normal “sunny disposition”. Shots of Nyquil all around! Lift ’em if you got ’em!

Melissa: Thanks Bravo, now I’ll wake up at 3am humming “Rocky Mountain High”!!! Not that there’s anything wrong with John Denver… I digress, this week we head back to Colorado to finish the rest of Taylor’s spiral.

Like Sand Through The Hourglass…

We are introduced to tonight's episode with a soundtrack apropos for a horror flick, chefs preparing dinner and Taylor in a suitcase. Awesome. Turns out the hot tub + wine combo has sent Miss Taylor into a drunken meltdown that has her crying to Kim because they get each other and packing herself in Kyle's suitcase because she's ready to go home.

Rachel: I feel like I’m watching a horror movie with this set-up. Scary movie music. Knives in the kitchen. And, dum dum duuuummmm… Drunk Taylor. She confesses to Kim that she’s so afraid of being poor again. Record scratch… Wait, so is this the real reason behind the fight for the marriage? Thanks for the insight. I’m surprised that wasn’t edited out. She’s drawn to Kim because they’ve both been through so much. Read: She’s a mess too. Lucky Kim. She’s probably wondering where that bottle of muscle relaxers is. Oh right, she finished them last night. And as if her behavior wasn’t bizarre enough, Taylor ends up in Kyle’s suitcase. You know Lisa is not going to stand for this. She won’t you know. She doesn’t stand for bologna.

… So Are The Days of Our Lives

After Taylor continues the meltdown about losing her make-up bag with a tirade of four-letter words, she is finally coaxed by all the ladies to come to dinner. Unfortunately, the dinner party becomes another hour of Taylor marriage talk much to the chagrin of those wanting to enjoy their vacation. Finally, Kim has enough of them harshing on her buzz and decides to banish the blues by performing an exorcism. We're not making this up.

Melissa: In true Bravo/Beverly Hills fashion there’s another dinner party to see if they can’t get some crazy started. Thankfully the “Taylor in the suitcase” incident isn’t her actually having a breakdown… but merely her drunk and taking a break from the beginning stages of her cray cray. What I want to know is why everyone continues on with this facade of a dinner party and doesn’t just put Taylor to bed for the night? She already said she doesn’t eat.

Rachel: Never say out loud that you’re having a great time and be thankful there’s no drama. Never. It’s asking the drama gods to descend on your party and wreak havoc. And to do it just in time for your dinner party. Jesus Tayor, eat a freaking meal and pull it together. And now it’s Camille’s fault that you are sleeping in Mason’s room which you’re saying is the catalyst for the meltdown? Lawd, I’m running out of patience for this woman. And yes, I know what the result of this is with Russell but this is bananas. The real victim of this dinner party is the chef. She just spent hours creating a delicious meal only to be met with indifference and rolled eyes.

Oh and look at Kim making fun of the Evangelicals. I’m sure they’re going to be pissed off… Oh wait, they don’t have time to watch this. They’re too busy writing angry letters about Chaz Bono being on Dancing With The Stars.

Deep Thoughts and Cuban Cigars

We're treated to a Boys' Night Out with Mauricio, Ken & Paul where they do what men just love to do on their nights out sans wives... Discuss their friend's their feelings about their friends' marriages. This scene wasn't contrived at all.

Melissa: Oh, and the “Boys Night Out” to prove they are completely awkward without their Housewives. Why are we seeing this? Oh, right… so we get to hear the men’s perspective on Taylor and Russell. Gratuitous.

Back In The ‘Bu.

Back to LA and back to Camille's house selling saga. Stop trying to make us feel badly for her because she is selling off several of her million dollar estates... We don't.

Rachel: Oh look, D.D.’s back to give Camille another opportunity to discuss her situation. Does D.D. live in a box and only come out when Camille needs a sounding board? Well, Camille gives her money & a house so she owes her. Isn’t that what we were told? But it does give the editors one more chance to let us know how fragile Taylor is as Camille tells D.D. about her weekend… You know, the one her best friend wasn’t invited to.

Melissa: Thankfully we get back to LA so all the ladies can get back to “normal”. Sorry Camile, you don’t want to maintain the property because it’s just you and the kids??? Um, hasn’t it always been you and the kids at that house?? My bad… you and the kids with a dozen or so support staff. What is the point of this conversation with D.D.?

In Case You Missed The Point

Taylor tells her Life Coach about her meltdown in Colorado. The Life Coach tells her that it's not her fault and she just needs to not listen to other women. Maybe the advice should be that she shouldn't be drinking all her calories everyday. Just a thought.

Melissa: I would also like to go on record saying I don’t know how much Bravo has re-edited scenes to play up therapy and Taylor’s issues in light of everything, but it seems we are seeing extra conversations about the subject.

Rachel: I’m with my partner here. Apparently, this entire season is going to be about making sure we all understand how hard Taylor fought for this marriage and how fragile she is. Clearly Bravo has an agenda.

Crazy Say What?

Against Paul's advice, Adrienne decides to attend the last Sacramento Kings home game. Seems there is the possibility of the team being moved out of town if there isn't a new stadium built, which has fans upset and ready to fight the Maloofs. Adrienne isn't phased by the thought of having things thrown at her.... What does phase her is a bizarre conversation with Kim. She & Paul call Kim to see if she's on her way and are met with a totally incoherent conversation about power outages and planes.

Rachel: Paul is worried if someone throws something at Adrienne’s face? Why? You’ll just fix it, Paul. Isn’t that your job? Although I do love me some Adrienne and her dedication. It’s her team. It’s the last game of the season. It’s her decision. She’s going. Rock. However, I have to wonder how, after that bizarre conversation, she still doesn’t clue into the fact that Kim has serious substance issues. These ladies live in a serious world of denial. Hello! She’s a mess. I can’t believe they’re waiting for her to show up. This is when you get on the plane and bail. Besides, you can just tell Kim she was there… She won’t know the difference.

Melissa: OK, I didn’t know moving a basketball team would result in death and carnage… Really? It just seems like this is a catalyst for more of her and Paul’s arguments. So they’re taking Kim with them to Sacramento and apparently she’s running late and a bit… maybe not all together. Sweet Adrienne chalks it up to her being sick in Colorado. Paul on the other hand calls it like it is… “She’s F***ed up”.

Bottom Line:

Melissa: Next week, Eddie Cibrian’s ex makes her appearance… And no, I don’t know her as anything but Eddie’s ex. Let’s see if she uses her new found 15 minutes to handle it with lady-like grace…

Rachel: If Eddie’s ex is anything like that red lace bustier she’s wearing, we’re in for some awesome “crazy bitch” scenes. Woot!

Why You’re Here

We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

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