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I live in the deep south of New Zealand, where smelly dairy cows are taking over from sheep in the livestock stakes. My hometown is the small but perfectly formed city of Invercargill, which is also the hometown of the original boy racer, Burt Munro. Find out more about me here.

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My latest rant

The gushing news reports would have us believe that everyone in Dunedin is celebrating their little corner of the world winning the much-hyped Gigatown competition but let’s be honest: it’s Chorus that should be doing all the celebrating. This year-long marketing “competition” was a brilliant marketing ploy for the company: the lovely citizens of the various towns and cities wanting access ultra-fast broadband took part in quizzes and promotions that used the “gigatown” tag,...

The whole global warming debate continues, and while it’s hard to see it as global warming when we froze our collective arses off here in New Zealand last summer (but had an almost tropical winter), there is no doubt that something dodgy is happening to our climate. So let’s call it climate change, which covers all the weather wonkiness and makes it easier to comprehend for those who stick their nose out the door...

It seems like everyone in celebrity-land is jumping on the ice challenge bandwagon at the moment, with a raft of famous faces taking part in a soggy challenge in the name of a good cause. And it has to be said: Bill Gates has geekified the whole thing and taken it to a new level. Do I detect a spot of deja vu? Didn’t we already do that here? OK, so our watery warriors...

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times) During a chat about the perils of Facebook this week, a workmate reminded me of the old saying that compares houseguests and fish, but I reckon the internet has given Benjamin Franklin’s famous quote even more oomph. The United States founding father and inventor of the lightning rod and bifocals said that both fish and visitors stink after three days but I suspect that...

Radio presenter Rachel Smalley found herself in the poo after a not-so-timely comment or two this week but it was her attempt to weasel her way out of it that offended me. Smalley thought her mic was turned off after a news story about the effectiveness of an emergency contraceptive pill for women weighing more than 70kg. Obviously gravely offended by the knowledge that the average New Zealand bloke-ess weighs in at (gasp) 72kg,...

I make no secret of the fact that I am no fan of any of the Kardashians (famous for fuck all apart from dodgy marriages and, well, actually that’s about it). But I really think it’s scraping the bottom of the barrel to be banging on about Bruce Jenner’s puckered jawline being a combination of ageing and botched plastic surgery. Yes, he may well have had some questionable plastic surgery back in the day...

The sad death of Charlotte Dawson at the weekend has reignited the whole debate over online assholes being, well, assholes. Not that it’s much of a debate: “if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, then keep your trap shut” is probably a good code to live by. Unfortunately, there are plenty of trolls out there who get their kicks from aggravating and annoying. If you’ve spent any time on a message board or...

(This is the Online column, written for The Southland Times) It’s bad enough that so many Xtra email addresses have been compromised but the fact that Yahoo, the company responsible for managing that email system, won’t even give an answer on how many accounts is nothing short of arrogant. If you have an email address of any description, it’s likely you have been affected in some way by the Xtra email dramas: either your...

It’s nearly the end of the year, so it must be time for me to have another rant: this time it’s about a large, well-known cafe at a local department store. Nick and I went there the other day for lunch. We looked at the specials sign outside the door and decided the menu looked reasonably appealing (hey, it was mid afternoon and I needed to find some lunch so I could take my...

We went out for dinner to the Cabbage Tree last night. It could have been a nice evening but it was buggered up by a clutch of screeching brats who were running around as their indulgent parents looked on. Why is it these people think the rest of the world is as delighted by the company of their offspring as they are? Because we’re not. If I want to spend an evening listening to...