Does Sex Affect Sports Performance?

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Since ancient times, male athletes have believed that porking a lady before a game would nuke their performance. However, a study published in Frontiers of Physiology debunked that idea, allowing the sexy superheroes we call athletes to spread their super sperm everywhere, anytime!

Researchers from the study said there “is no robust scientific evidence to indicate that sexual activity has a negative effect upon athletic results.” In other words, it’s okay to play hide the baton before a big game.

The researchers stated that the origin of no-sex-before-sports probably came from the ancient Roman and Greek societies who believed that winning was the result of great sacrifice. And we all know agreeing to not do the devil’s dance is a great sacrifice indeed! Modern day coaches also supported the sacrifice theory, mistakenly believing that sexual frustration leads to more aggression, which leads to better sporting. Coaches also believed that ejaculating meant losing testosterone, which they thought caused reduced aggression and muscle strength.

That meant athletes not only couldn’t have sex, but they also couldn’t masturbate. No wonder jocks in school tended to be the bullies; they were sexually frustrated for no reason at all.

Besides getting bad coaching advice, athletes in general are highly superstitious creatures. For instance, Serena Williams doesn’t change her socks, Michael Jordan wore his UNC shorts underneath his Bulls uniform, and Wade Boggs notoriously ate chicken before every game. If anyone was to blindly believe something in order to win, then it was going to be that group.

Researcher Laura Stefani told Gizmodo that the sex-affects-performance rumor was substantiated only through anecdotes, i.e. those coaches and their crazy theories. There was never any scientific proof that sex would suddenly slow you down or lose your focus. She said that maybe sex two hours before a game is a bad idea, but other than that, sex could actually help athletes win trophies, medals, and the adoration of us slobs drinking beer and watching from the sidelines.

To come up with this groundbreaking conclusion, Stefani and other researchers pored through hundreds of sports surveys until they determined the nine most reliable studies. They said that most of the sexual activity data focused on men, and that they weren’t sure if the new findings applied for women, who may not have believed the no sex myth in the first place anyway.