Horny Porpoise Just Kept Fucking Until He Died

The bloodied, dead body of a porpoise was found in a Tarring, West Sussex alleyway a mile away from sea earlier this month. Scientists that examined the porpoise's body believe the poor guy died expending all his energy mating. Fucked himself dead.

"The cause of death seems to be starvation and hypothermia," Rob Deaville, of the Cetacean Strandings Investigation Programme, told the Argus. "This appears to be an elderly porpoise, which would have had to expend most of his energy reserves to mate—leaving him deathly hungry and cold."

As for how the porpoise ended up in an alleyway, Deaville believes some drunk guys found the body washed up on the beach and carried him a mile inland. He's seen it before, porpoise corpse abuse. "Sadly, it's not the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last," he said. "We got a call once about a dolphin that was stuffed inside a phone box in Kent."