4 Reasons Why You Should Never Entrust Your Money To A Barenaked Lady

When I was in my twenties, evvvvvvverybody loved Barenaked Ladies. Though by the time the year 2000 rolled around they had about that many songs, one of their biggest hits was and still remains the kitschy classic “(If I Had) $1,000,000″.

I’m not entirely sure how old the guys were when they first wrote that song. I know it was on their first album and that was released back in – oh, 1993, I think? (I know, I know, for some of you: “OMG I wasn’t even born”.)

Here’s how I know Barenaked Ladies wrote that song during their quarterlife crisis:

1) They dreamed about money because in your quarterlife crisis, you don’t have any.

When I was 22, I worked at a sports bar on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, lived in a studio apartment with 4 other girls and my “savings” was actually four envelopes, each marked with the dollar amount said envelope had to be stuffed with by the end of the month to pay bills. Splurging would be getting Tasti-D-Lite once a week and I actually went to the gym a lot because I did the calculations to find out how much money I’d be throwing away on a daily basis by not going.

I dreamed about money, too. Not even, like, a lot of money. Just enough to not have to budget my subway rides.

2) They dreamed about owning things that are super impractical and they really had no idea how much anything costs (because even in the midst of a QLC, you’ve really only been buying things for, like, a few years).

For those who need a recap, here’s what they would have bought for $1,000,000:

A house.

…Okay, so the housing market is a little bit nuts, but let’s say, back in ’93, even a moderate house would cost you $150K.

Furniture for the house

…A house for of Ikea (the official brand of those in a QLC) furniture? $5,000.

A K-Car (a nice Reliant automobile, which is a Plymouth)

…Back when K-Cars were available, I think, new, you could buy them for like $5000.

A tree fort

…Technically free because they are building it themselves, but wood and supplies is gonna set you back $1,000.

A little tiny fridge to put in the tree fort containing pre-wrapped sausages

…$400, fridge; $5 pre-wrapped sausages

A fur coat (fake fur)

…I mean, what, like $50 at H&M?

An exotic pet (like a llama or an emu)

…Llamas are about $3K, plus food and a fence and care – so let’s make it $10K. [ed. note: Well! I learn something new every day!]

John Merrick’s Remains (The Elephant Man)

…The Royal London Hospital has a museum dedicated to him and you’d have to get it from them. So good luck with that, BNL. Regardless, a dinosaur egg recently sold for $45K at auction so, I’m going to set this at a very low $750K + $80K for protection from human rights groups & historical societies who’ll want your head.

A limousine to drive to the store

…Once or, like, every time? Will they have a driver? I’m going to say yes, so let’s say a new limo is going to set you back $100K, plus the driver’s salary at another $70K.

A lot of Kraft Dinner with Dijon ketchup

…Kraft Dinner, different than Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, imported from Canada at $2/box + shipping. What’s a lot? Like 50 boxes? $100. Plus Dijon ketchup, which I guess is “Fancy” Ketchup which, basically you can pilfer from McDonalds for the cost of a Big Mac and Fries ($2 off the dollar menu).

A green dress (fake green)

…Fake green is my favorite color. I’m saying $10 from Old Navy.

Some art (A Picasso or a Garfunkel)

…Again, it’s these big-item gifts that really set these QLC’ing people back! A recent Picasso sold for $45 million at auction. Purchasing Art Garfunkel is not going to be easy if you want to keep him, but I’m sure you could ask him to play a few songs to open your new house, though, so let’s say 100K for the night for him. I think that’s the better choice, BNL.

A Monkey

…Chimpanzees are expensive and have proven themselves pretty dangerous. Let’s go with the cute Capuchin, which are like $8000 + the cage, the vet and the food. Over a lifetime, I’m guessing that’s going to be minimum $20K.

Your Love

This is how I know the BNLs wrote this in their Quarter Life Crisis. When you’re in your 20’s, you’ll do anything to make someone love you like you love them, including buying their love. Purchased love is the kind of love you want. Unless, you know, it’s *that* kind of purchased love and that can run you $500+/night, or so I’m told.

= $1,212,067. Way to budget, BNL. About 20% over. But frankly that’s how I basically lived through my QLC – 20% over budget in every situation.

3) They were head over heels in love with someone who obviously didn’t feel the same way and they were going a little bit overboard trying to convince them how awesome they’d be to date.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned now that I’m through my Quarterlife Crisis, it’s definitely never in my benefit to make people love me back. I’ve learned that if someone doesn’t respect me and love me like I love myself, then it’s time to find someone who does. No matter what you do for the person on your wish list, Bonnie Raitt said it best: “I can’t make you love me.”

And frankly? At this point in my life? I don’t even want you if you don’t. But that’s something you learn with age and experience and a lot of broken hearts. That’s not something that comes easily in your 20’s.

4) They believe that having $1,000,000 and all this stuff, would make them rich.

Yeah, okay, in the literal sense, yes, they’d be rich (well, no, not really based on the above calculations). But, in my opinion, as much as I would have loved $1,000,000 during my quarterlife crisis, I’ve learned that being rich isn’t necessarily about how much money you have.

“Being rich” is so much more. It’s being loved and loving and learning and growing and knowing and not knowing and seeing the world and understanding your back yard and doing kind things and paying it forward.