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Decapitation Disease (Decapititis or DDS) is one of the most deadly and widespread diseases in the world. It is an airborne virus which attaches itself to sharp objects including, but not limited to, knives, taut wires, machetes, helicopter blades, and the mouths of bears. When infected objects come into contact with the vulnerable soft tissues in the neck with enough frequency or force to successfully transmit the virus, the victim contracts DDS. Once contracted, the disease is incurable and untreatable; 100% of its victims die within seconds of showing initial symptoms. Symptoms of decapitation disease include profuse bleeding, loss of motor control of the lower body, ability to finally see the back of your own neck, and instant separation of the head from said neck.

Contents

Infection

A diagram intended to explain the effects of DDS to poor third world countries.

The molecular structure of the virus causes it to attach to the sharpest parts of things, particularly edges, so the amount of virus carried by an object is proportional to the length of the sharp edge and the sharpness of the edge. Therefore, machetes, bandsaws, katanas, and aircraft propellers carry large amounts of the virus; taut wires, while very long, carry a proportionately small amount of DDS virus, although high speeds will cause the expansion of the virus; razor blades and nail clippers are less infected, and needles (although very sharp) are not very infected because only a tiny area of the object is pointy enough to harbor the virus. However, if the individual is repeatedly infected by a small, dull object, such as a butter knife, it could result in DDS.

Naturally, blunt objects, such as baseball bats, two-by fours, and potatoes, contain only minute traces of the virus. However, if the object is traveling at very high speeds, friction heat energy generated upon impact causes the virus to multiply, assuming the object is of enough mass to not just be pulverized by the impact. It can then travel deep into the vulnerable tissues of the inner neck where the virus will further multiply rapidly. So even an apparently "safe" object, such as a frozen turkey, if fired out of a cannon at 3500m/s, could result in contraction of DDS. Soft objects, such as sofa cushions, Jell-O, and liquids are, for all practical purposes, sterile. However, it is better to be safe than sorry: one should simply assume that all objects are infected until proven otherwise, and incinerate anything presumed infected to ensure safety.

Prevention

Foremost among the methods to prevent DDS is to simply avoid sharp objects. The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta have published several scientific studies in the highly esteemed Sudan Journal of Medicine which suggest that sharp things are the number one source of infection. However, avoiding sharp objects is a problematic means of disease prevention in the modern world, due to the requirement that all juggling acts involve at least one chainsaw.

While cases of self-infection are rare, cases have been reported in respectable tabloids. To lower chances of self-infection, the Surgeon General recommends that you keep any and all sharp things away from your throat, as the throat is the area most susceptible to infection.

Testing objects for their level of infection is difficult, unfortunately, as DDS is nearly impossible to grow in laboratory cultures. The only way to test for the presence of the virus is to attempt to infect someone with the suspect object. Initial attempts by the CDC to set up a DDS testing facility were hampered by a lack of volunteers, and an animal testing facility was eventually set up instead. This facility attempted to infect thousands of animals, such as white rats, hamsters, puppies, and kittens with various objects such as hatchets, hacksaws, meat cleavers, and shovels. Although such testing has prevented thousands of cases of DDS, misguided and poorly-informed animal rights activists have labeled these experiments "unnecessary", "cruel", and "sick" and sought an end to testing. Fortunately, they were able to quickly remove the badly mistreated animals and take their places, saving even more lives.

Newfound research have also found a preventive medicine in its infantile stages. This preventive measure comes in a form of metallic paste with medical properties which is an effective DDSicide. The procedure is simple enough - users can purchase the medical paste from the local metal refineries and apply it thoroughly on the whole neck. Then, it is mandatory to wait for the paste to dry till it hardens and forms a lovely cast around the neck. The individual is then pronounced to be safe from harm. However, the side effects include stiffness of neck, the loss of neck movement and in certain cases, asphyxia. Therefore, it is customary to consult your local metapharmacist to weigh your options and decide if you are in risk.

Note that there is no vaccine available, and even if there was, do you really want to expose you and your children to those evil mercury toxins? If they got autism, it would be all your fault!

History of DDS

An artist's rendering of an early transmitter of decapitation disease.

DDS has been around for as long as sharp things have. In 1979, archaeologists unearthed a 200,000 year old Neanderthal skeleton exhibiting classic signs of decapitation disease, such as a head buried in a separate grave. About a week later, the same archaeologists found a primitive stone tool, which was tested for antibodies of DDS. The results were ambiguous: the first archaeologist concluded that the tool was contaminated with viable traces of the virus, while the second archaeologist strongly disagreed with this conclusion, claiming that he would stake his life that the tool was not infected with active virus. The first archaeologist then attempted to infect the second archaeologist. Although it took five minutes of repeated attempts to successfully infect the second archaeologist, his head eventually detached spontaneously from his body, thereby confirming the first archaeologist's suspicions. This was hailed as definitive proof that the Decapitation Disease virus can remain dormant for thousands of years.

DDS was particularly prevalent in the Middle Ages and Renaissance, where it was the first ever form of biological warfare. The battleaxe and sword were supplanted as the primary carriers of DDS by the guillotine. Thanks to advancements in the field of capital punishment, however, this gruesome device has been replaced by the electric chair, which transmits the harmless Electrocution Disease (ED). During the late 1700s, there was a DDS epidemic in France, which was spread by revolutionaries. Fortunately, the epidemic subsided after several years due to a decline in the number of sharp objects used on the battlefield.

DDS in the Modern World

There has been a steady decline in the number of reported cases of DDS each year in the United States, primarily due to public service messages that have increased awareness of this disease among the American public. Unfortunately, other countries (such as Iraq, for example) more than make up for this. A particularly virulent strain of Decapitation Disease has reared its ugly, bodiless head most famously on Al Jazeera's popular reality shows The Weakest Neck and I'm An Infidel Head, Get Me Off This Body.

Due to the decreasing number of reported Decapitation Disease infections nowadays, this extremely dangerous and fatal disease is losing popularity. It is for this that it sometimes comes to situations where people unknowingly transmit the disease to others by using infected objects. The story of an 80 old year woman from Dublin infecting her grandchild with DDS and then asking the cops if her grandchild will get well, has stirred up vehement movements in many modern countries for teaching the people all about DDS. The Heads Up Foundation is the most popular, having the most powerful local branches in Rome, Paris, Tokyo and Bucharest and performing missionary work in a large number of countries. Other international anti-DDS organizations are The Non-Decapitation Committee, The International Group Against Microsoft and DDS, DDS Up Your Ass Foundation and many others, mostly fighting on a local scale by spreading fliers depicting gored DDS victims, or by arranging theater-plays in which they show how DDS can be deliberately spread.

The Future of DDS

The future of this deadly ailment is uncertain, but experts speculate that Decapitation Disease will never truly be eradicated, especially if what we see in Sci-fi horror and Chuck Norris movies are any indication. However, as public awareness of DDS increases, medical experts believe that cases worldwide, or at least in developed countries, will drop drastically. In the near future, however, scientists predict an epidemic of DDS in the Middle East, so it's best to stay away from there for the next five to fifty years. In fact, just avoid the place for the rest of your life.

Myths Surrounding Decapitation Disease

Answer: No. Fortunately, DDS does not transmit from person to person. So you can hang out with headless bodies as much as you want, creepy as that is.

Myth: Not everyone who gets DDS will die.

Answer: Not true. Everyone who gets stricken with DDS dies, regardless of genetic disposition. Scientists are still divided on the issue of DDS and Siamese twins, though. Recent study has found that Siamese twins who do not share a heart could survive if one twin were to succumb to DDS because DDS can only spread to the nearest local heart.

Myth: Anything sharp could transmit decapitation disease.

Answer: True. Anything that is sharp could transmit DDS. Dull objects, however, harbor lower amounts of the virus and it is harder to contract DDS from them.

Answer: False. Although this brand new wonder drug has been known to treat anything from leprosy to SARS, various testing by the CDC has proved it is not able to cure DDS, even if the test subject takes it before being infected with the disease.

Myth: Decapitation Disease can affect any part of the body.

Answer: Absolutely untrue. DDS viruses, for an as of now unknown reason, are only effective on the soft skin of a neck.

Myth: Shotguns can spread DDS.

Answer: No. Shotgun shells, when fired at close range, can result in destruction of the body above the head, it does not actually sever the head, and actually results in acute contraction of SEHS.