Fodor’s Top 10 Places Least Likely To Get Stormed By Islamists: A Family Guide

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Vacation is stressful enough without having to worry that little Timmy will wind up beheaded, or little Emma abducted and sold as a child bride to a Sunni warlord. So where can you go that won’t put you and our family at risk of pulling a Yazidi? We’ve compiled a list of the Ten vacation destinations least likely to get overrun by Islamic militants. No guarantee they won’t be overcrowded by Israeli backpackers, though.

We’ll start with:

10. Tehran

It’s counterintuitive, we know, but Khamenei’s security forces have the place pretty much secure, and there certainly are no Sunni threats to your safety there. Pros: friendly people; economic crisis means weak local currency and attractive prices. Cons: possible collateral damage from Israeli attempts to assassinate nuclear scientists; not recommended for homosexuals.

9. McMurdo Station, Antarctica

This is not, technically, a city, but neither is it likely to find itself, technically, the object of Islamist assault. Pros: tight-knit community; hyperbaric chamber for underwater research. Cons: it’s in @^% Antarctica.

8. Donetsk, Ukraine

At least it’s in Ukraine at the moment. The separatist militants and their friendly Russian “advisers” remain untainted by Sunni fundamentalism, so you have that going for you. Pros: free aircraft parts strewn about the landscape. Cons: lack of clarity on whether to call the place “Ukraine” or “THE Ukraine.”

Watching the flow of lava is an experience most people will not have. That’s probably a good thing, but if your family gets kicks out of being that close to molten basalt so hot it actually glows orange, be their guest. Pros: Gorgeous sunsets, assuming the view isn’t blocked by volcanic ash. Cons: the place is called Iceland for a very good reason.

6. Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

You’re safer here from Islamic militants than most anywhere else. You’re also safe from all sorts of pesky freedoms, and of that persistent nuisance, an adequate food supply. But we hear Kim Jong-Un is making threatening strides in that direction. Pros: surprisingly capable hackers. Cons: Kim Jong-Un.

5. Chernobyl, Ukraine

This one is definitely in Ukraine permanently; there’s no way Moscow is going to want responsibility for this place again. Pros: robust, adaptive wildlife. Cons: cancer.

4. Honolulu

It’s hard to find snarky things to say about Honolulu. We get relaxed just thinking about it. But watch out if you’re too radical a Republican, because Hawaii is where BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA was born! [key scary music]. Unless you believe he was born in Kenya, in which case we invite you to visit Kenya and investigate. Just note that no place in Kenya is on this list. Pros: it’s Hawaii, dammit. Cons: you will never want to return home, and you will court financial and career collapse. Which might be worth it, and you won’t care anyway, because Hawaii.

3. Navajo Nation, Utah/Arizona/New Mexico

Mostly because there’s kind of no point in their trying to get there. No offense intended to the Navajo – let’s just say the US federal government has not, historically, allocated the best lands for native reservations. While Islamists might appreciate this manifestation of another society practicing what looks like dhimmitude, there’s precious little to make this place a target. Pros: proud people, rich heritage. Cons: Utah/Arizona/New Mexico.

2. Ferguson, Missouri

You didn’t think we were going to go there, did you? Well, we don’t think the Islamic hordes will, either. Pros: spirited civic life. Cons: bullets.

1. Gaza

Surprise! But only because they’ve already overrun the place. It’s so cute to hear them warn that without lifting the blockade and rebuilding, extremism will take hold. Because it’s so not-extremist to lob rockets at farming communities. Pros: we couldn’t find any. Cons: we refuse to do this part. It’s too depressing.

David was spawned in an unfortunate lab accident in Weehawken, New Jersey, in 1975, and things have only gone downhill from there. When he's not picking his nose, David creates content for PreOccupied Territory. And sometimes even then.