Search form

How to Be Real Without Being Obnoxious

Do you know people who pride themselves on being authentic, or "real," yet when you walk away from them, you feel badly about the interaction—and yourself? Perhaps these people are angry, accusatory, blaming, and shaming, but they have no clue that they’ve hurt you.

“I tell it like it is,” they proudly declare. “I say exactly what I think. You want me to be honest, right?”

It can be difficult to respond to such declarations of authenticity, even as you sense that something’s amiss. You might think, “Well…sure. I want you to be honest, but your words and tone of voice are still wounding me.”

There’s a big difference between being authentic and being obnoxious. True authenticity isn’t about telling other people what we think is wrong with them. It’s not about judging, blaming, and shaming under the banner of being an honest person. Such declarations are actually an escape from authenticity—and a defense against vulnerability.

Authenticity is about what we’re experiencing inside, not our perceptions of another person. But uncovering and expressing how we deeply feel usually involves vulnerability. It's exposing something tender about ourselves. Perhaps we notice a sense of hurt, sadness, or fear, or we experience a longing for gentleness and understanding. Revealing those feelings and longings takes strength. Attacking people is a common default mode of communication when we feel threatened or hurt. We succumb to the "fight" part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response of our autonomic nervous system. Protecting ourselves from a deeper vulnerability, we raise our shields and don’t allow people to get close.

People who are quick to offend others usually are not malicious—they’re just not mindful of what they’re experiencing in the deeper recesses of their being, perhaps because it’s painful or threatening. They’re aware of the tip of the iceberg and act out their surface-level feelings through anger and accusations.

If they could take a moment to pause and bring a courageous awareness to what lies deeper, they might find an unfolding of something more authentic just beneath the surface. Perhaps there’s an insecurity, fear, or powerlessness that’s not easy to allow into their consciousness. Perhaps there’s a fear that they might not have all the answers, or maybe they’re hurting deep down.

Authenticity involves a process of unlayering, and anger is often the first layer of our authentic experience—our first reaction. If we stop there, we’re not being truly authentic with ourselves. As we contact our underlying feelings, we can respond from there rather than react in knee-jerk fashion.

Our deeper, tender feelings are a large part of what make us human. In our isolated society, we could use more authentic sharing with those with whom we want to create trusting relationships. Rather than impulsively acting out what we first notice, we can invite something more to unfold. If we can welcome and befriend the deeper layers of our experience, we may have something more interesting to share—something that touches us, and others, in a more engaging way.

The authenticity that flows from a tender part of the heart is often kinder and more easily heard. Authenticity without gentleness and caring may be disguised brutality. Practicing pausing, going inside, taking a breath, and noticing how we’re feeling in our body before we speak, we’re more likely to find words that reflect an authenticity that connects us in a more fulfilling way with ourselves and others.

Great article. One of my friends is exactly as you have described. Her mantra is 'I tell it like it is", "if you don't like me, that's your problem, I don't care what you think" etc. I've always sensed this comes from a place of deep defensiveness. An 'attack before I'm attacked' kind of thing. And I've noticed that it's difficult to get too deep or honest with her. If anything gets too personal she starts to get distracted by her phone or changes the subject. Everything remains on the surface and very superficial. It's sad, because she's very much the opposite of what she declares. Anyone who has to constantly assert that that they're just being honest and don't care what people think are obviously trying to reassure and protect themselves, because deep down they're not being honest and they really do care.

The phrase 'I tell it like it is" is meaningless anyway. We 'tell it like it is' according to our own perspective. That may be quite different from how it actually is.

This is such an interesting piece. And so so true. Those who are not brave enough to let themselves experience their deeper feelings are the ones that feel the need to be brutally "honest" about their feelings toward others. I really agree that we could use more tenderness towards each other in today’s society.

I appreciate the positive comments! Yes, it takes great courage to be willing to be vulnerable and express our authenticity from this more tender, open, emotionally-available place. Perhaps for some people, who have been trained to suppress their true feelings, it is a step forward to honor their feelings and needs and express them openly. But there may be further to go. As we realize we have a right to our feelings, perhaps we can relax more inside and find a way to express ourselves in a more gentle, interactional way.

I tend to be an honest person, but I try my best to be tactful, kind and sensitive, and I always preface my comments with, "this is just my perspective." And I only mention something if I feel it is a situation or habit that is adversely affecting that person, for example, if you sense that it's causing that person to lose friends and/or you think some awareness might help the person to be a little more successful in life. You also have to sense if that person is willing or ready to hear what you're saying and I often find it's something that I can relate to and learn from as well or have learned from in the past. We all have areas where we need to grow and I expect the same brand of honesty from my friends, albeit veiled in some love and empathy. Many people who pride themselves on being "blunt and honest", tend to use that in a negative sense, rarely having anything positive, constructive or kind to say in the name of being authentic. I try to avoid forging close friendships with that type of person as you know you will be the receiver of their generous "wisdom" on a regular basis. I prefer to receive advice and guidance from those whom I admire and who treat me with respect. Of course we can't pick and choose everyone we surround ourselves with, but it's best if can spend the majority of our time with the ones who have our best interests at heart.

If you familiarize yourself with the Myers Briggs system, you'll note that some people make decisions based on feelings, and others based on logic. The logic-based decision makers are often called cold and callous because they tell it like it is. But that doesn't make them inauthentic. They are totally being authentic to their true identity which is being logical. It is just that it is different from the way that feelings-based decision makers do things.

You're life would be much more pleasant if you just stopped trying to make everyone just like you.

I've known many people who are predominantly thinking types who are also kind (rather than attacking) in how they communicate. I am not judging people who are logical. Some people who are predominantly feeling types can be quite hurtful in how they communicate. I am simply suggesting that we combine our authenticity with kindness and caring. One good source about this is Marshal Rosenberg's approach and book on non-violent communication, which can be helpful for feeling or thinking types alike.

You tell John his life would be more pleasant if the stopped trying to make everyone just like him. To me, it sounds like you feel John's life is unpleasant and his motivation with this article is to change people. But I cannot find any reference to these feelings and actions in the article. For me, John's words are full of caring and compassion, and I am pretty sure he did not mean to judge or categorise people.

I am wondering if your last remark was really aimed at yourself rather than the author.

I am a thinker with empathy for others. I do not usually take issue with thinker ideas, because they are not judging...they are giving an opinion based on their findings. by virtue of them being thinkers, if you can respond with information that validates they need to change their opinion, they are capable of making that change.
The real issue lies in the INTENT of the words. It is always about the intent.

I would have to disagree with you there. Thinking people, think of all the possibilities and ramifications of their words, thereby choosing their words and statement carefully. I've always had issues with the whole "logical" thing, because it's your perception of what is logical not necessarily the other person's, when it comes to making personal statements about another person's life. The logical person you;re talking about sounds to me to be a person of limited experience who bases everything in life simply based on their own experience not being able to comprehend that each person's "truth" is different to themselves. I agree with the statement below me or above me, that thinking people are less likely to tell you something that will hurt you.

Exactly. You can only ever 'tell it like it is' from your own perspective, logic or not. For example, someone recently accused me of doing something that I categorically didn't do, based on his interpretation of circumstantial evidence (this was a minor thing involving the supposed, untimely death of a pot plant).

An absurd argument ensued that went something like "you did it!", "no I didn't!" etc. before he triumphantly declared 'well, the facts are the facts!" and stomped off feeling satisfied that he'd just 'told it like it was' based on his 'logically' drawn conclusions.

Unfortunately for him the facts were only the facts according to his wrong-headed opinion. The actual facts were that I didn't over-water the plant and it went on to live a long and happy life on the kitchen window sill. I'm still waiting for my apology from the logical, rational know it all who just 'tells it like it is', but I won't hold my breath!

I suppose it all goes back to "if you haven't got anything nice to say.....".....and that's just it, someone can see a positive spin tot he situation, negative Nancy can see, well, the negative, does it make negative nancy the truth? who knows, all I know is that when someone is positive about a situation, it makes me feel good and want to be better, and it makes the whole situation a positive one. When someone makes a negative statement, well it makes me hate myself, thereby unleashing all manner of negative feelings, behaviours, emotions and I'm sure it make the situation at hand negative as well, thereby makign all the other people involve din the negative exchange, well, feel negative too.....you want to make the world a better place? make everything that comes out of your mouth positive...

Sometimes anger is an appropriate reaction, when someone has lied or misrepresented the truth. Is it appropriate to act out that anger? No. But it is appropriate to feel it and express frustration. The other person should experience the result of their lack of care by providing false information, which often happens in the service industry today.

When I have to communicate something difficult I try to live by "honest and kind". It sounds simple but it isn't easy. It's easy to be honest and unkind or Kind but not honest - to do both means choosing your words carefully and keeping that intention always. The best thing about this path is knowing that you did your best and then, if the other person's reaction is less than wonderful, you can walk away knowing that their reaction is their responsibility and that you did everything you could to make it a positive conversation.

I had a partner who delighted in telling people "how it is" the only problem with that was that his "how it is" were always negative things and faults he saw in people and situations. Never once did I hear him tell it "how it is" in pointing something positive out, what a sad little man.

Most of us have had this type of person fall in and out of our social circle. This personality type falls under the subject heading of "emotional intelligence". Some people are almost pathologically incapable of seeing the difference between honest expression of opinion and tactful expression. This disconnect often results in eventual social isolation for the unfortunate person afflicted. It would be tempting to feel sorry for them if they weren't such @ssholes.

There are so many delusion in our culture, and so much of human interaction is all about hiding it and maintaining these delusions on a collective level.
Everything is about not hurting the ones who chose to play the weakness-card. Let us be real. Yes these far too honest people exist and are displaying their suppressed insecurities by being judgmental, but let's face it, an equally big problem is the victims who try to manipulate ordinary truth-lovers to feel guilty for being a truth-lover - and not supporting their delusion.