Asterisk

By Jason Ross

Cellular Service for Just 29.99 a Month!*

*Additional taxes, charges, surcharges, and surtaxes may apply. These include local, state and federal excises, as well as a 6% levy imposed by NATO. Plus, your landlord wants a piece of the action, so we’re throwing him half a point. Also, to cover the significant cost of building our wireless infrastructure, extra charges for phone activity will be assessed according to the following schedule: $.10 per beep, $.15 per boop, and $.25 cents per word of two or more syllables. Since we cannot justify the expense of providing hot coffee throughout the workday at our corporate headquarters, we also add a Perk-Me-Up Surcharge to each customer’s bill. The exact amount is determined by the associate handling your account, who adjusts the figure based on how mind-numbingly bored he becomes while preparing your statement. The Accounts Receivable Sluggers are looking sharp in new uniforms purchased with funds generated by the Softball Surcharge. Ginny and the whole team from the third floor (current record 2-0!) thank you for your support. In consideration of Jesus’ advice, “A rich man can no sooner enter heaven than a camel fit through the eye of a needle,” we’ve taken it upon ourselves to improve your spiritual life with a monthly Immortal Soul Purification Surcharge, which fluctuates according to the balance in your checking account. In fact, it’s usually equal to the balance of your checking account. How do we get that information? Through a special arrangement with your financial institution, paid for by a Convenience Fee added to your monthly bill. You might question the efficacy of charging you a fee in order to collect a surcharge—but you’d have to read this fine print first. And we don’t think you will. It’s just a gray block of six-point text hidden on the back of a brochure. You’d have to really want to track down what that asterisk on the front leads to—and that’s if you even know what an asterisk means. Which most people don’t. They just think it’s there for show, like a flower on a lady’s hat. So here we are, telling you all the sundry ways we’re going to screw you to the wall as soon as you sign your contract, and we might as well be shouting down a hole. You know what? Yo mamma so ugly, Sasquatch took a picture of HER! See? You’ll never know we said that. At least not until you get your first statement and see the Yo Ugly Mamma Surcharge.