(Closed) Need advice from Bees who are CBC….

To start off, I want to say that I hope this isn’t offensive and doesn’t spark any sort of debate as I know it is a sensitive topic. And I post on here often, but this is a pseudonym because many of my friends know that I post on here… and this is a private matter for me and my Fiance that I’m not ready to fully share with people IRL.

So I really don’t know if I want kids, and I don’t know what to do/how to make a decision about it. My Fiance is in the same boat. We’re confused and non-committal. We have not made a decision definitively one way or the other, except to say that we definitely do not want children now or anytime in the 5 years. We’ve both stated that we’re too “selfish” at least at the moment for children.

To start, I’ve never felt that I’ve had that natural maternal instinct–I never had a pet or a younger sibling to take care of. I was the youngest in the family so I’m used to being taken care of. I don’t know if I have the patience to deal with having to take care of another human being day in and day out. Sometimes, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself without having an infant screaming at me at the same time.

I read the article posted on here the other day about the mother who had kids to appease her husband and ended up resenting them for being “parasites” (her words, not mine). And… while her word choice was harsh, I definitely see how one would feel that way, and I’m not sure if this means I definitely don’t want kids.

I have nieces and nephews, whom I adore. And I don’t mind watching them, but if I had to take care of them 24/7 I truly feel like I might lose it. It’s nice to give them back at the end of the night, go home, and sleep through the night without a care in the world. I like having my own life with my Fiance, and I’d be terrified to give that up.

Now, I imagine what I’ve said so far makes it seem crystal clear that I truly don’t want kids. But, for some reason, I have this nagging feeling like I might miss something if I don’t have kids (which is ironic, because it also seems like I’d miss out if I do have kids, too). Well, babies are cute and I don’t know that I would totally HATE having a child, but I honestly don’t know that I’d like it either. Plus, the idea of raising a child and potentially screwing them up for life is frightning.

I also feel like it’s “the norm” to have kids. So, I feel like I would be disappointing my parents/FILs if I didn’t and I’d be left out with all my friends who are already gaga over babies. I just don’t want to regret it later on, when it’s too late.

I’ve always heard that, once you become a mother, your attitude changes and you could never imagine your life without them… but what if it doesn’t? That’s a life-altering mistake and it seems like a big gamble to me. And that article confirmed it for me.

So.. any advice CBC’ers? How did you know for sure you wanted to be CBC or was it something you already knew?

I don’t know if your opinion suddenly magically changes just because you have kids. I tend to think that most people tell themselves that their doubts are gone because what choice do they have?

We are CBC but we have both always known that we did not want children of our own. It does not mean that we don’t like or enjoy kids, just that we do not want to raise one ourselves.

Honeslty there is no magic fix. You guys will need to talk through all the issues that might emerge in your relationship with both options (choosing to be CBC or not making a decision to be CBC). Things like what happens if one of you changes your mind in 2/5/10 years. You need to literally do a pros and cons list. Be honest about it too. There are many rewarding pros to having children but do they outweight the cons for you and your partner.

If you have the time (not sure how old you are) it may not be as big an issue to sort out asap but if time isn’t on your side and there is any doubt that you may actually want to have a child then you need to have the conversation sooner ratehr than later.

But never forget that there are many ways to become a parent. So even if you change your mind 10 years down the track there are options out there to help you reach your goal.

@j_jaye: Thank you for responding! It’s hard not knowing either way because I feel like I don’t belong in either camp, and I wish I could just make up my mind… but it changes for me all the time.

I’m 26, so I suppose we have a little time to decide, but not a ton? We are getting married soon, but neither of us feels strongly one way or the other–so I really don’t think it’s a deal breaker.

“I don’t know if your opinion suddenly magically changes just because you have kids. I tend to think that most people tell themselves that their doubts are gone because what choice do they have?”

Exactly. And that scares me a lot.

I sort of glossed over this, but I am also generally annoyed by children. My Fiance is convinved that I hate kids, but i don’t hate them…I just don’t always like them. I mentioned that I adore my neices and nephews and I do, for the most part, but we also live far away so our time between babysittings are pretty long. I don’t have the patience sometimes and I’d really rather not deal with any bad behavior, etc. We have neighbors with kids and I can’t stand hearing them all the time–the constant crying/whining, the mother’s screaming, the annoying high-pitched toys, etc.

I don’t know what I was looking for asking for advice, I know I just need to talk to my Fiance, but I just hate this uncertin feeling of NOT knowing one way or the other and i feel like a lot of my friends wouldn’t understand because they are gungho about children.

Kids annoy me too, I want them to get out of my face whenever they try to interact with me lol… and I have no idea how to talk to them etc… but they say that when you have your own it’s completely different.

Yeah I know that doesn’t help .. I think the pro and con list is a good idea.

This is a hard situation for anyone to be in. We’re taught that having children is “normal” and “right” and there can be a lot of guilt and fear associated with admitting that you don’t want them. My Fiance and I knew that conceiving was going to suck. I am infertile and he’s not far behind. So we dilly-dallied and skirted around the problem, never really discussing it. And one day he turned to me and said (just after a particularly sucky IVF hospital appointment) “You know, I don’t know if I want to do this” and I was like “Oh, thank goodness it’s not just me”.

So we started having conversations. And they started with us saying “Well, maybe we can discuss it when we’re 30” to “We’ll say definitely now, but it’s okay to change our minds” and finally ended up at “Nope. Not happening. Ever.”

And that felt like shit the first time. I used to want kids so bad. And then some friends had them. And then some more. And I don’t like the lives some of those friends have now. We too have decided we’re too selfish. I want to travel (without kids) we want our disposable income that’s only for us. To eat out whenever we want. And to just not have a life where I resent the little person who is in the world only because I put them there, because “That’s what normal people do”. And that’s OKAY.

Oh, and they annoy me too. They yell and scream and make a mess and destroy my stuff. Can’t help you with the friends bit. We’ve told other like minded friends, but not the ones with children. It feels like I’m judging them lol.

My husband and I have both just always known we didn’t want children, so I guess that made it easy for us. But you are young and really do have a lot of time to decide. I have friends who didn’t have their first child until 40. I would give it time and not force yourself to make a decision. See if your something changes and you actually start to want a child. I know that isn’t helpful but I actually think deciding you want a child is never a logical decision that can be made by looking at pros and cons (i think there are always more cons)…it must be a decision made with your heart.

@FiddleSticks: I see where your coming from. I think you just need to picture your future. What does it look like in 5, 10, 15, 20 years? Is it just you and your husband traveling the world, and quiet nights at home together? Or is it having a family?

I have some of the same fears. We are TTC now but children still look exhausting to me haha. But they do grow up. There will be many many years where they are dependent on you, then some day they will be more self sufficient..and one day later on down the line they may even become your friend, and even later in life be there for you when you are aging or ill. I think when it comes to deciding if you want kids you cant just imagine the 2 year old running around and sleepless nights with newborns. You have a whole long life ahead of you to consider.

Good news is your young! Take your 5 years and see how your life progresses and how you feel. As for now when people ask about kids- Tell them you want to wait at least 5 years and they will leave you alone. And maybe you will decide one day you do want to be CBC and there is nothing wrong with that. People withkids may never understand but I don’t think the world revolves around having children.. many people have happy fulfilling lives without them.

@mrs.stormylove: These are great points. I am due with our first in under a month and I’m still not crazy about the idea of 10 years of CHILDREN but down the line I know I want the family and the full table at Christmas. Not sure if this helps.

I just want to point out that CBC’ers can still have all that without having children. Family is what you make it. Just look at all the dysfunctional family relationships that are posted about on the bee. I have a full christmas table every year and I know those people are there because they want to be and not out of some sort of familial obligation. Having children does not guarantee a happy picture perfect family life. There are millions of seniors sitting in aged care facilities who have been all but abandoned by their children and families except for the once a year visit. I have gay friends whose families abandoned them and whose friends nursed them through their fights with AIDS. There are no guarantees in life.

@j_jaye: Yeah I get there are no guarantees in life. But coming from a family with 2 great supportive loving parents, siblings,grandparents, aunts and uncles I have seen what a happy family looks like. 90% of my friends come from families like mine were family holidays aren’t out of obligation it is out of wanting to be together. I get that not everyone is so lucky and that All it takes is one horrible parent to shatter a family and be toxic in someones life and that can carry down generations. So in those cases I can see how friends are more “family” then blood relatives. But having a good solid family can also carry down generations as I have seen more often than not. And that doesn’t mean it is “picture perfect”- not even close. But I think if 2 stable, loving, good parents have children and raise them well then it is highly unlikely that their kids will want nothing to do with them and they will end up having a lonely life in a nursing home. Most the drama WB stories you can clearly pinpoint one crazy person in the equation.

But like I said, many people have fulfilling lives without children and the world doesn’t revolve around having kids. I can agree with tons of CBCers reasonings for not wanting kids! I think the OP is doing the right thing by thinking things through before just having kids because it seems like the thing to do for everyone because it really isn’t in the best interest of anyone to have children you don’t really want to raise.

I am not officially CBC but I wanted to chime in. My own Darling Husband and I were absolutely positively sure would have a family after we got married but we have been married three years and a lot of stuff has made us unsure. First, I didn’t get a full time job after graduating college until this year, so financially it wasn’t feasible until now, but now we are focused on tasking care of some debt and living a little. Second, my BIL had two boys and while we love and adore our nephews, and they are very well behaved, they are exhausting and we took a look at how we leave and how much we enjoy it and it really made us think twice about a family. We ended up TTC last fall for several months and nothing ever came of it and eventually we decided to put it off when we werent 100% sure and some money stuff came up. As of right now, we still don’t have a concrete decision but we have decided we will see if we are ever ready, if we aren’t we are ok with that, if eventually we want kids and we can’t have our own for whatever reason we would thoroughly love to adopt.

OP, I’m not CBC (obviously, because I am 17w pregnant), but I just wanted to say that even now, I have the exact same reservations as you. I agree with you 100% on every point you mentioned, and I felt (and still feel for the most part) the same as you, especially when I was in my mid-20s, was just starting to experience life and independence, and couldn’t fathom being tied down with children.

When Darling Husband and I visit his young cousins, I always end up sitting on the couch talking to his Aunts and Uncles while he rolls around on the ground with them, and I STILL feel exhausted when we leave. I love my career and can never picture sacraficing my success to stay at home and raise children all day. I felt pressured by my family to have children and felt it was the “norm” to get married and then have a family, and I resented that. I WAS you.

I’ll tell you what changed my mind. After 3 years of being married and being with my Darling Husband over for 10, we have build a wonderful life. We have the best families, careers, friends, hobbies, house, world travel, literally everything we could ever dream about. But it still felt kinda empty. Like we were collecting all of these wonderful memories, knowledge, possessions, money and love, and there was no real outlet for it. We were building this wonderful foundation that might just end when we died.

Yes, people can pass along these things to friends, family, nieces and nephews..etc, but the idea of living our lives and not sharing it with someone we raised and cared for their entire lives just left us feeling like “what is it all about?”

I know this is a VERY personal decision, and opinions differ so greatly from person to person, but that was how Darling Husband and I came to the conclusion that we wanted children of our own. I still struggle with a lot of the things you mention above, and I can’t say that once our baby is born, that I won’t resent some of the things I had to give up (like a good night’s sleep), but for me, I still think the benefits will outweigh the costs.

@j_jaye: And there’s no guarantee if you DON’T have children that you’ll end up with amazing friends who are like family who will want to spend holidays with you either. Like you said, there are no guarantees and I never said that CBCers unequivocally WON’T have that.

But for me, the risk of having children who hate me or are going to abandon me or see spending time with me as adults as a burden is a risk I’m personally willing to take in the hopes that I will someday have children who love me as much as I love my parents.

I’m not trying to convince anyone to have kids. It’s no skin off my ass either way. I’m just saying that the CHILD phase doesn’t last forever — you’re not going to be wiping asses and driving kids to practice your whole life, god willing.

I’m not a fan of kids either and would much prefer to have a rich, full life with my husband built on travel, creating a home together, achieving in our careers, trying new things…we don’t feel that we need to have children to be fulfilled, and in fact believe that children would hold us back from the things we want together.

We are young, though (23 and 25). We can’t imagine wanting kids ever, and we have spoken to both our sets of parents so they understand that they can’t push us to have children and need to accept that we may never have them. We also agreed on a specific point in time to re-evaluate their feelings when we are older just in case our attitudes change.

There are two important conversations that we had prior to getting married that I think were vital. First, we discussed what we would do if we accidentally got pregnant, whether we would want to abort, adopt, or try to raise the child. Second, we discussed the possibility that one of us could change his/her mind and the other may not, in which case, we confirmed that we would only TTC if both parties are on board 100%.

It’s definitely okay to just not have the maternal instinct. Just because it’s “normal” in our society to settle down and have kids with your husband doesn’t mean you have to want that or that your life won’t be fulfilling without them. And lucky you–you have nieces and nephews to dote on! (Both my brother and DH’s brother are also CBC.) If anyone asks, just say you have no plans for children now or in the near future and leave it at that. It’s none of their business anyway.

@daybyday: I am not sure why you are agruing with me because as I said there are no guarantees in life. But your comment did fall into the stereotypical comments made on threads about CBCer’s. You made it sound like there was only one type of family (a nuclear family) and a CBCer could never have a table full of family at Christmas since they will not be having kids. Those kind of throw away statements can be very hurtful to not only CBCer’s but to people who struggle with infertility or heavens forbid have had the misfortune to lose their children.