A woman got on a bus but soon regretted it. The driver sped down the street, zigzagging across the lanes, breaking nearly every rule of the road. Unable to take it any longer, the woman stepped forward, her voice shaking as she spoke. “I am so afraid of riding with you, I don’t know what to do.” “Do what I do,” said the bus driver. “Close your eyes!”

A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting mosquitoes,” He responded. “Oh, catching any?” She asked. “Yep, two males, two females,” He replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?” He responded, “Two were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

A woman walked into the pet shop and told the owner she needed a rat and a couple of cockroaches. “What do you need them for?” “Because,” said the woman, “I’m moving and my lease says that when I move out I must leave the place in the same condition as I found it!”

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room. Jasmeet : “What are you searching for?” Santa : “Hidden camera!” Jasmeet : “And what makes you think that there are hidden camera here?” Santa : “That guy on tv knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, You are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”