Be careful what you wish for

This isn’t going to be a nice post; it’s not going to be a rational post or even a post that will make me fondly remember THIS chapter of my life.

Jumping back a few months, it had been a year or so that Henry and I had been evolving within our marriage and shifting towards a Henry led dynamic. We were progressing at break neck speeds at first; and then a little slower as the newness began to wear off. And since I have a hard time embracing the popular phrase “it’s a journey, not a race” I was just about at the point of starting to become frustrated with Henry’s slow (as in, slower than what I desired) progress in regaining the Alpha traits that I so desired. It was round about this time that I read Ian Ironwoods post explaining what wives could do to ‘up the alpha’ within their marriage while also letting the husband grow in his leadership. So I Read it … Got it … Acted on it … And once again we were soaring through the great unknown; Henry comfortably leading the charge and Liz cheerfully following his lead.

But then IT happened. IT knocked the air right out of my lungs (lungs that have increased capacity thanks to the years I’ve spent running on the wheel) and set ME back a few giant steps.

My new reality began last Friday night, which was in large part because our 17 year old daughter went completely Bat Shit Crazy in a way that only a 17 year old girl is capable of. To say it was an incredibly stressful night is an understatement. We experienced much yelling, crying and storming out, only to have her return and repeat until she finally left, and stayed gone until Saturday night. But Saturday night was productive and after a marathon round of conversations we hugged and pressed forward (was there any other choice?).

By Sunday morning I felt as though I’d been run over by a train, so I did what any good Mom would do … I got everyone in the house up and rallied to attend the early church service. And then it began to unravel on me … a little comment here, an eye roll there … until about half way through the day when I went all in and tried to pick a fight with Henry. Why? I don’t know why – just because!! Maybe it was a diversion from the past 48 hours or maybe because I could yell at him in a way I couldn’t yell at our daughter the day before. So, I am ‘all in’ and he is … yep, just not biting! I couldn’t believe it.

Now mind you, there was a distant possibility that I could have called out my inner BSCC (Bat Shit Crazy Chick) and really taken this thing to a new low. But before that could happen, you won’t believe what he actually had the nerve to ask me. He actually said “You done” – from a post I had passed onto him a while back. He used it on me!! And he followed it up with a smug half grin/chuckle. And then he WALKED away and started horsing around with our son. Are you kidding me? What is going on here?

Was I pissed? Oh ya. But truthfully I didn’t have a clue what my next move would be … because do you have any idea how hard it is to work yourself into BSCC mode only to have your intended audience not only refuse to succumb to your shit test, but also to reflect back to you just how ridiculous you are behaving?

What happened? How did the rest of the evening unfold and where are things today? Some probably already know, others will have an Aha Moment and some who haven’t yet taken their own dose of the Red Pill will be confused. So what happened? Well later Sunday night we had mind-bending, yes … mind-bending sex. And although I will deny it until the day I die … I think I had to initiate –!

Houston – we have a problem … Liz is losing it and Henry is getting it and everyone is “O”ver taken with pleasure.

Being the quick learner that I am tells me I won’t be letting myself digress into BSCC mode anytime soon because even though the sex was great, I will tell you honestly that I did not enjoy the rest of the experience at all; in fact, I was equally horrified by my willingness to jump right back into full fledged Old School Liz and the ease by which I can still summon BSCC at a moments notice. I can think of many excuses (rationalizations?) that ultimately led to my unraveling – too much time apart, Grandma, teens home from college, and then the incident Friday night – but truthfully, I really just made the choice to embrace a habit that I had employed for 20+ years and did so probably without even a conscience thought. I had stress so I tried to create some stress to relieve my own stress. That about sums it up.

I keep hearing that phrase … it’s a journey, not a race. Well thank goodness because I almost lost the entire contest.