Month: January 2012

I appeared at Papa Chango’s treehouse, unannounced as always. Chango was busy making wood models. It had only taken him 59 odd years, including 40 years of gucci construction to realize that blueprints are just a load of bullocks. He says they are absolutely impossible for the client to wrap their mind around. Ditto that my brother.

Sure the blue print with all the exotic fractions and measurements everywhere show there is a door here, which opens to a deck there. And yes the fridge sits here and the bidet goes there. Oh, and if we go to page 9, there is a sideways back view of the Master Bedroom. So long as you can imagine it from a bird’s eye. Eeesh.

So PC is making models. Clearly putting the word model back in Model Home. His models are all made of scrap wood and glue only. His current project is a two story, 1200 s/f guest home. For your viewing pleasure, the roof lifts off. So does the second story. Everything is scaled exactly to size. So simple, a monkey can understand it.

I had myself a situation. My 180 day visa had expired, and I was popped riding a borrowed scooter going the wrong way on a one way. I wasn’t carrying a license or my passport. Unfortunately the only bill in my bathing suit was a 500 Peso Large. Can’t be parting with that juicy nug.

Did he have a gun? No I said. Did he have car nearby? No. And you were on a scooter? Yes I said. Did you make eye contact with him? I did. BIG MISTAKE. So he’s on foot, and you stopped? Yep. How much did he get? Not a peso I said. Nicely done..OK here’s what you do.

So I grew a mustache. A big ol thick Honkin’ one. Like Goose Gossage. Then I went and bought me one of them big ol brimmed whicker hats with the drawstring. I stopped walking barefoot. I changed out my sunglasses. I wore a shirt wherever I went. A bonified OG. Slalom.

I met her in my hotel lobby

Contemplating Room #3

I said how’d you like to spend two months here

And she could not resist, even after Rocky snatched her Iphone and ran away with it

He appeared right at noon. I was in the process of leaving the hotel with two people I used to call friends. One turned out to be Anti Semitic. The other uses the word ‘hate’ in every other sentence or two. So one hates Jews, and the other hates everything. I guess I foresaw the future fallout, and invited KO up to the roof for a game of chess.

It was windy. His double weighted plastic pieces and heavy duty leather roll up board were just the call. His set came with two Queens for each color. Sick! And check it, Homie doesn’t touch a piece he isn’t prepared to move, but didn’t care how I went about my game. Whoa Guy! I asked if he plays with The En Passant. STOOOPID

I knew right away this guy was a better player. The way he sat. The way he moved. He took quite a bit of time to make each move, and again, never touched a piece until he was ready to move it. Not me, no way. I like to twirl my Bishop, rest my Knight, and spot check my Queen. Run decoy with my right hand while I move pieces with my left.

None of it was working. He wasn’t buying into my mumblings or shenanigans. He was systematically cutting me down. Until Poof. Roughly two hours in, I noticed an opening that I was sure I could get at if I made the procedural moves it would take to get there. Along the way, he’d also have to fall prey to some heavily weighted, baited lures.

I was down to one Rook and six Pawns. He had one Rook, a Bishop, his Knight, and three Pawns. It was now or never. The next 15 min would see me take two of his Pawns with a series of checks. I was also able to rest one of my Pawns in Row 7 and protect it with a Pawn in Row 6. It wouldn’t be long now until I received another Grand Old Lady.

And then it happened. A complete nightmare. My first and only real mistake. It was a gross error. Foolishly, I had lined up my King and my Rook so that he could move his Bishop in between the two and call check. Before he moved, he asked if I wanted to take the move back. I wanted to say Yes so badly, but I said No. My game was done.

Three hours of anguish, only to end like this. My head was spinning. I needed an ice bath. I shook KO’s hand. I smelled like a dead animal on the side of the road. I went away to my room and didn’t reappear for two days. It’s just a stupid game of chess I kept muttering to myself. My life will never be the same. Ever. It just won’t. Ever..

The internet went down during a period of time when the hotel was full of guests that spend a good chunk of their pathetic day and night online. Day Traders dba Face Bookers. Regardless, it wasn’t good. The owner of the hotel was out of town with his family, and I couldn’t take another knock on my door. This was a job for Super Gringo.

The modem was almost too hot to touch. That’s never good. I hopped a collectivo and went looking for Armando. You can’t actually get to Armando anymore, rather his secretary’s secretary. Fuck. She informed me that she has no idea what I might be talking about, and that Armando is in Mazunte and will return manana. Double Fuck.

I went down to Tel Mex and stood in line with all the other Indians. When I got to the front, I tried to explain my sit chee eh shin, but it was hopeless. Some random European informed me that I needed to make a phone call from the modem itself to reach technical support. Good Gawd! I asked him if he knew where I could buy a cheap phone.

Two hours later I arrived back at the hotel. All eyeballs were on me. If they only knew what I was trying to pull off was nothing short of a true miracle, they would have offered up their support. I gave the entire hotel the Hang Tight. I then plugged our new phone into the thingie. I dialed some 16 digit number and hit the # key. Hola.

I asked for the English Dept because there was no way I was going to troubleshoot anything en Espanol. Ordering breakfast is one thing. Reconfiguring a modem in the heat is another. a soft spoken female got on the line. I could make out every other word she said. She me my was and bring old to Telmex receive. Took a taxi this go around.

I brought the old modem, the current bill, and my passport back down to the office. Thirty minutes later I was walking out of there with a brand new Infintium modem. It came in a box full of instructions. I went back to the hotel. I gave the entire hotel the Hang Tight. I reconfigured the set up and it worked. I took a cold shower. The sun set.

For the record: There was no possible way whatsoever that I could have pulled this off 6 months ago, or 4 months ago, or even last month. No chance. Way too many variables. Today however, I made Puerto History. I can’t explain it. For those of you out there that know what I am talking about, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Word was out. The chess legend in Puerto for the past 20 years or so was finally being beaten by a young fellow named KO. True Stories. KO was regularly beating Tron, yet not without giving it everything he had. It was no secret that Tron was well underway with the derailing affects of Alzheimer’s, but trust me, he still managed to play a very professional game of chess. I had heard through the mezcal vine that Tron used to play many of Puerto’s so called ‘best’ players without using his Queen. He would set it up, but never move it. How fucking cool is that?

I saw Tron & KO doing battle in a cafe once. I knew who they were. They didn’t know me. The reason I knew of them is because I’m good that way. So there I was, thumbing through my pocket dictionary, minding somebody else’s business. The game looked very serious. I began wondering if I had it in me to play at their level. Had I known that I would be given that very golden opportunity in less than 10 days from what is now then, I don’t know what I would have done differently. Second guess my ability more likely than not. I made like a banana.