Mark Zuckerberg speaking to reporters about the new Facebook Drug Task Force the company is implementing October 1st. (AP Photo/Dennis System, File) / AP

Menlo Park, CA — Beginning October 1st, Facebook will be implementing a drug task force designed to arrest those who buy and sell narcotics while using the online social networking site. Facebook is calling the group the Facebook Drug Task Force, or FDTF, and will be monitoring all postings and messages created by its users.

Chairman and chief executive of Facebook, Inc., Mark Zuckerberg, spoke with CNN about the FDTF. “The task force was created to keep users of Facebook safe,” Zucckerberg said. “The FDTF will be working directly with the Drug Enforcement Agency and local law enforcement agencies. We’re gonna put away the bad guys.” Zuckerberg continued, “Online crime has risen to all-time highs. As the world’s number one social networking site I feel it is our job to protect our users from such deadly things as drugs.”

Paul Horner, spokesman for the DEA, told reporters he is excited to see Facebook going forward with their decision to implement a drug task force. “I’m thrilled,” Horner said. “We’re going to get all the drug pushers and dope addicts off Facebook once and for all. The marijuana junkies think they can socialize on the line with their fellow druggies, well, not on my watch. We’re gonna read their messages, we’re gonna build cases against them, and we’re gonna put em’ all in prison. It’s going to be beautiful.”

The Ass Press
Posted: 10/28/2012 6:00:12 PM PDT

El Paso, TX — In something straight out of a movie, the Drug Enforcement Administration is telling reporters that a group of 10 armed men stormed a warehouse in El Paso, Texas and made off with more than 14 billion dollars of various illegal drugs, making this by far the largest robbery in history. The burglary happened last night when men wearing ski masks and armed with automatic weapons were able to overpower the guards protecting the warehouse. The drugs were being stored as evidence in upcoming criminal trials and then eventually would have been incinerated. Most of the drugs being stored in the warehouse had been seized from The Sinaloa and the Zetas cartel.

Paul Horner who heads up the DEA in El Paso said he’s saddened by news of the robbery but happy that no one was injured. “Luckily none of the guards or police at the warehouse were injured in this tragic event,” Horner said. “It’s just a shame all these drugs will be back on the street.”

A list was made available to reporters of the drugs stolen from the warehouse:

4,600 tons of Marijuana

2,500 kilos of Cocaine

950 kilos of Heroin

810 kilos of Methamphetamine

36,000,000 pills of Ecstasy

1.2 tons of Ketamine

1.1 tons of Bath Salts

Officials said the armed men made entry into the warehouse by way of air ducts in the ventilation system. They subdued the guards and police in and outside of the building. Cameras show at least 5 white vans and a tractor-trailer leaving the seen of the crime.

El Paso resident 19-year-old Ben Sanders said he is happy to hear that these drugs will be back on the street. “Things were getting pretty dry around here for a moment,” Sanders said. “I was getting desperate, smoking this horrible dirt weed my neighbor has. Hopefully some of this stolen 4,600 tons of herb out there is chronic and I can get my hands on some.” Sanders continued, “This whole ‘war on drugs’ is truly a shame. All the violence, the killings, the millions of addicts in prison, the multi-billion dollar a year black market activity. None of it would exist if drugs were just made legal and heavily regulated. People that do drugs are going to do drugs regardless if they are legal or not. No one is going to start slamming heroin just because it’s legal.”

If anyone has any information about this robbery, officials are urging people to contact (785) 273-0325. As always you can remain anonymous.

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/26/2012 6:00:49 AM PDT

Washington, DC. — Marijuana users and advocates for gay marriage around the country are celebrating after Mitt Romney once again pledged his hatred for marijuana and gay rights at a press conference this afternoon. In an era of ‘say one thing to get elected and then do the complete opposite once in office’, judging from the current promises made by Romney on the campaign trail, marijuana and gay marriage will be 100% legal in all 50 states if he does get elected.

This winning strategy reminds voters of Obama back in 2008 when he vowed to be extremely lenient on marijuana laws and let the states decide the legal status of the plant. Since then voters have learned that he has become by far the strictest president in over 20+ years on marijuana laws. He has dispatched the DEA into every state that has legalized the plant, raiding houses and dispensaries, and put thousands of people in prison.

Avid marijuana user Paul Horner said he’s delighted to hear of Mitt Romney’s tough stance on marijuana. “I sure hope he gets elected. With how much he’s been talking about marijuana like it’s a bath salt zombie apocalypse, I know he’ll make legalizing it the first item on his agenda if elected president. My fellow potheads and I are voting for him for sure!”

Eric Burns who is an editor for the New York Times says that besides Romney legalizing marijuana and gay marriage once in office, he’ll be doing a lot more too. “This also means Romney will end the War in Afghanistan on his first day in office. It’s tough to say now, but it appears Romney is the candidate to vote for in 2012.”

Dean Huls is a political adviser for Mitt Romney and approves of him using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get elected. “Obama was a learning experience for a lot of us,” Huls said. “Everything Obama promised while running for President in 2008 he has gone ahead and done the complete opposite. He guaranteed to stop the wars, he then continued the wars. He said he would lock up the bad guys on Wall Street, he then bailed out all the bad guys on Wall Street. He talked about being lenient on marijuana laws, then made it a priority to lock up marijuana users. Obama promised the idea of more personal freedoms but then signed NDAA which allows the government to indefinitely detain American citizens with no trial or jury. He said he would close Guantanamo Bay, kept Guantanamo Bay open. The list goes on and on and on.” Huls continued, “Mitt Romney is using the ‘Obama strategy’ to get into the White House and it might just be crazy enough to work. Unfortunately for him though, Obama will also be using the ‘Obama strategy’. I think it’s safe to say this race is far from over.”

The Ass Press
Posted: 07/7/2012 6:00:52 PM PDT

Washington DC — In a move said to raise funds for the war in Afghanistan, President Obama today announced plans to auction off all of the marijuana that has been seized in drug raids since 2008. The auctions are to be held in only the states that have legalized the drug and only to users with a medical marijuana card.

22-year-old Leland Hollandale from San Diego said he’s excited to participate in these auctions. “This is so cool. I’ll be able to buy my weed cheap, all off the broken dreams of others who are now in prison. I’m so stoked!”

Critics are quick to point out Obama’s stance on marijuana when he ran for President. “Back in 2008 when running for President, Obama said he would be lenient on marijuana laws, but since taking office he’s done just the complete opposite,” said 30-year-old Chris Roybal from New Mexico. “He’s conducted major raids in every state that has legalized marijuana. He’s seized billions of dollars worth of property and assets, ruined families, and put thousands of people in prison. All of this over a harmless plant that should be legal in the first place. He is by far the toughest President on marijuana in over 20 years.”

Paul Horner had his marijuana dispensary raided back in February and is now looking at 10 years in prison. “These auctions are beyond ridiculous. He’s taking the marijuana that’s been seized on a Federal level from states that have legalized it, and then selling it back to them. Obama is by far the biggest drug kingpin in the world and instead of being locked up in prison, he’s the President of The United States.”

Garret Roach, head of the DEA task force in California, said he’s excited about what Obama is doing. “We’ll be carefully watching and tracking everyone that’s buying marijuana from these auction houses. Obama already gave us the green light for raids in all 50 states at the beginning of his presidency. These auctions will give our organization so many new leads in the war on drugs. I can’t wait to make more seizures and put the bad guys in jail.”

Marijuana auction houses will be setting up in all major cities of states that have legalized the drug. Only people carrying a medical marijuana card will be allowed to participate. Users will be limited to two pounds of marijuana per month.

The DEA has setup a 24 hour hotline to answer any questions you may have and to find a marijuana auction house near you.

The Ass Press
Posted: 06/23/2012 7:15:14 AM PDT

Washington, DC — Under strict orders by psychiatrists and other health officials worried about DEA Chief Michele Leonhart’s mental health, the Judiciary Subcommittee met again late Friday. This time with questions a little more elementary and straightforward.

This all stemmed from Wednesday’s Subcommittee hearing where two congressman, Jared Polis and Steve Cohen, pursued almost identical lines of questioning to the head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, only to have their questions stonewalled and unanswered.

The questions on Wednesday were related to the use of marijuana and the agencies position on it’s health risks to society. Leonhart dodged questions about whether drugs like crack, cocaine, meth and heroin are worse than marijuana. She was repeatedly pressed on the relative health impacts of marijuana versus other drugs, but would not give a direct answer.

Leading the questioning on Friday was Republican Congressman Paul Horner from Arizona. Here are just a few of the excerpts from yesterday’s questioning:

Horner: “Ms. Leonhart, thank you for joining us. After your odd display of actions here on Wednesday, we all have become quite concerned about the state of your mental health. So let’s start with a few basic questions and then go from there, ok?”

Leonhart: “Ok.”

Horner: “Let me first start off by asking you if know whether the number five is greater or less than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are both numbers.”

Horner: “No, that is not what I’m asking you. Is the number five greater than the number two?”

Leonhart: “Those are, um… those are both prime numbers.”

Horner: “Incorrect again. Let me simplify it for you further. If Bill had five bananas and Jane had two bananas, who would have more bananas?

Leonhart: “The problem with the amount of bananas in our society really depends on supply and demand. Our administration works hand in hand with different agencies to bring the distributors and suppliers to justice.”

Leonhart: “They are both problems that society has attempted to stop at one time or another.”

Horner: “What about the Black Plague, starvation, the recession, cancer, Tyler Perry, Snooki and Aids all combined into one evil force… would that evil force be worse than marijuana?”

Leonhart: “That would be bad. As for the outcome on society, I was not around during the Black Plague, but I have seen Tyler Perry and Snooki, so maybe, in my own personal opinion, marijuana might not be as bad as that.”

Congressman Horner talked to reporters after the screening and considers what happened there a big success. “Ms. Leonhart is obviously slow. She exhibits symptoms of impaired judgement, short-term memory loss and poor critical thinking. These are all the classic signs of someone high on marijuana.” Horner continued, “But she does realize that this evil force that I talked about could be worse than the marijuana that she probably uses herself. So it’s a great start.”

Reporters talked to Knoshon Mootron, a homeless man from Arizona detoxification centers, about the mental health of Leonhart. “This woman is out of her goddamn mind.” Mootron continued, “That lady is in there trying to debate that marijuana is worse than crack, cocaine, heroin and meth… and she’s in charge of the DEA? Oh my lawd, I actually heard that woman say the words “marijuana addiction,” Moontron laughs. Then Moontron went on to explain how he would run the DEA if he was in charge. “Get me up in there, shiiit. Next time those crackers up there asking me questions like that I’ll tell em’, ‘Yo! I don’t make the laws homeboys, I just enforces them.’ That’s it, that’s all she had to say. Damn.”

DEA Chief Leonhart will appear on Dancing With The Stars next month. She won’t admit if this show is worse than marijuana, but does say people that smoke marijuana are prone to deadly and addictive dances of death.

VIDEO: DEA Chief Michele Leonhart, after a possible head injury, giving it her best effort to answer questions at the Judiciary Subcommittee hearings on Wednesday