Movie Review: Woodlawn

Tldr: 1/5 stars. (If I’m allowed I even give it zero I would but I think 1 is the lowest). Avoid this movie.

I was recently taken advantage of. I had a traumatic experience I would like to make sure that you all do not have to experience the same horror that I had to go through.

Woodlawn.

Recently I signed up for a product called Movie Pass that allows me to see a movie in a theater once every 24 hours for a fixed price. (If you’re interested click here https://www.moviepass.com/referral/email/XLT1ENI3Za5G49zJ%2BzXo8tFcx3jPRwpcw4zvYmoopr4%3D/1445445668967 to give me a credit) I explain that part because I want to justify the fact that I did not look into this movie all that much before I went to it. I usually put thought into what movie I spend $13 on. Already this week I’ve seen a couple of pretty good movies and I wanted to see another one. Let’s see what’s playing.

All I knew about this movie was that it got a high rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Right now it’s 91% but when I looked before it was 100%. I knew it was a football movie that took place in 1970s Alabama and it was a small independent movie. Cool. Lets do it.

I figured out I might be in trouble when the previews were playing. The first one was a terrible romance movie set to be released in February. (February is generally a dumping ground for studios worst movies.) There was also a movie about finding Jesus, during the part when he ran away after he died. (I don’t even know if Jesus is in it. Maybe he’s got a came towards the end.) At the end of the trailer there’s an email address for group sales in case you wanted to bring your whole congregation. There were a couple more but the one that stuck out the most was called God’s Not Dead 2 starring Clarissa explains it all. She has to fight the government in order to prove the existence of God because the system doesn’t like people who like god apparently and they’re the victims or something. The thought crossed my mind that these trailers were not giving me good thoughts about this movie and I was wondering if I should be worried. I should have been worried.

This is not a drama/sports movie with some faith/spiritual stuff thrown in. (I found out it fell under the category spiritual when I looked it up after the movie.) This is a spiritual movie that takes place in the realm of dramatic sports. If I told you this was a bad movie I would be understating things. I cannot stress enough the fact that you should not watch this movie. I don’t care if you kind of like God and you’re really into football and also you love civil rights please do not watch this movie. Please. Do not watch this movie. Horrendous. (If you already really like God and you’re looking for a movie to confirm your beliefs because that hour or so you spend in church on Sunday just isn’t enough, by all means, this movie is for you. I’m using this article to talk to the rest of us) DON’T BE FOOLED. This is not a football movie!

There were probably a dozen people in the theater. The guy in front of me had a lot of bags and was talking to himself a lot and at the end of the movie he screamed out “fuck George Wallace!!” Also a group of people came in right as the movie started and during most of the church scenes or some of the dramatic locker room speech seems they would yell “yes” or “that’s right” or “mmhmm” and the like. Also many people were applauding when religious things were happening and also sometimes football stuff was victorious. As I was leaving I heard one of them explain to someone else something song the lines that “I wish I had been there the first time you saw this movie” to which she replied “ooooh I loved that again, oh I cried this time too.” She. Saw. It. More. Than. Once.

At times I literally held my hands in front of my face to stop myself from groaning or yelling “no” at the movie. (I probably could have because other people in the audience were shouting their opinions at the screen.)

It started off okay. Felt a little made on tv movie. The main character Nathan or Tony ( I find out three quarters of the movie is name is Tony Nathan) is running and high school. The other main character, coach something or other. All the sudden Samwise Gamgee shows up out of nowhere he’s a preacher that needs to talk to this football team and then for some reason religion helps integration and the black students and the white students get along and they become a winning team.

I really want to try to explain the plot of this movie but I just don’t know how. But I don’t even know how to do this.

Some football happens and then they lose but they win because belief in god. The coach doesn’t believe in god but then he does believe in god and he gets dunked in water so that’s good. They win some and then they lose some but that’s okay because god. The bad guy shouts things against god and makes fun of them and then the good guys lose to him but that’s okay because of god. Later fucking Rudy convinces him God and he apologizes and then he believes in god. Also the rival sports teams get together and practice because of god.

The climax of the movie happens when the most well attended high school game in Alabama happens. Some football happens, the bad guys score first (but they’re not really the bad guys because everyone’s friends now because of God) Next the good guys score. Right at the height of the action we cut to the coach selling insurance at State Farm and he tells us that they lose the big game in the but that’s okay because of God.

Sigh.

The tomato meter score is the percentage of top critics that like a movie. 91% of reviewers like this movie because the 8 reviewers that chose to see this movie enjoyed it. This movie was not screened for critics. I did not see how many reviewers saw it. I saw the percentage and thought I was going to be okay. No. I am very very not okay.