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STANFORD, CA- After meeting with the heads of every academic department, the provost and vice-provost, Dean Julie, Condoleezza Rice, and Andrew Luck, President John L. Hennessy announced this morning that Stanford would be seceding from the union.

Said Hennessy, “We feel that as a University, we would function more successfully as our own country rather than as a part of the United States,” Hennessy continued, “If Stanford were a country, we would’ve finished 11th in the Beijing Olympics medal count. We have chemical engineers that can build bombs for our defense, and we have a controlling interest in the biggest tech company in the world.”

Stanford plans to complete secession in the next two years and will have an unveiling of the plain red flag in Memorial Auditorium later this week.

After growing pressure from dining halls across campus, Stanford Police has finally decided to crack down on meal fraud. “The numbers were off,” said Wilbur Hall Dining general manger Alan Freedman, “And not just by a little. Our studies show that total losses due to meal fraud are in the […]

After several years of continued success on the gridiron, President Hennessy announced that Stanford University would transfer all funds dedicated to academics to the championship-contending football program. “Honestly, the average American does not give two shits that we’re one of the best academic schools in the country,” Hennessy explained as […]

Last week, Stanford senior Katie Mullhondacivic was dismayed to learn that she was rejected from every medical school to which she applied because did poorly on her second midterm in Chem 31A. “I didn’t do well on that one test, but then I studied really hard and rocked the final. […]