International mumming in the UK and Cambodia

Dishwasher Bastards: true inspirational quotes

You know those people who say, “Stop saying you don’t have time, make time”?

Those ***** have dishwashers. This demographic also tilt their heads and say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” The problem being that if I make time to fill my cup, I have no time to wash up,* therefore I have no cup to pour from and will be forced to drink directly from the tap. That kind of behaviour has drastically different outcomes in Milton Keynes and Cambodia, I can assure you.

I will hereby translate some of the more putrid offenders, these contextless sound bytes of nonsense, these false wisdoms, these nuggets of judgement packaged as inspirational advice…

The arsehole formerly known as “But first, coffee.” Change the drug of choice to cigarettes and let’s see how many people are falling over themselves to blow it up and stick it on their kitchen / brunch cafe wall. If you’re serious about productivity, I suggest “But first, amphetamines.”

The catchphrase of disposable income: “Buy experiences, not things.” I actually agree with the sentiment of this one. Let’s take back your car so you can experience walking everywhere.

AKA “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.” Approach with caution: if you follow this advice and live your life in an alternative reality which exists solely in your imagination, people will subsequently deem you schizophrenic and have you sectioned. V. hypocritical, but that’s society for you.

Imagine Leonard Cohen veritably revolving in his grave (or more befitting tomb) at the pink filtered soft focus applied to, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

I leave you with this. The cruel truth behind the saccharine advocate of life-limiting choices: “You only live once. Take the trip. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake.”

*This is technically factually incorrect because my husband does all the washing up.