With the increase of people participating in the practice of Yoga, there has been a rise in the incidents of what is known as Kundalini Blockage. Symptoms of this condition include: sudden jitters, feelings of vertigo, foaming from the mouth, objects leaping off shelves or lights turning themselves on and off around the Yogi, a sudden lack of interest in shopping or even an urge to become an artist.

In the past, getting the Kundalini unblocked usually required much time and energy, usually spent in extended periods of time and great expense, in ashrams in India with famous Indian gurus. Now though, through the innovations of one Yoga studio in Washington, DC, the Kundalini can be unblocked or even removed in about an hour.

As explained by Kimberley of the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio, “Kundalini Blockage happens when the energy in the root chakra, awakened by meditation or Yoga or even extreme bouts of shopping for Yoga clothing or Yoga mats at the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore, is trying to move upward and encounters a block; often in the sacral or solar chakra. It grounds itself through the legs until the block above is released”. With that insight, Kimberly has perfected several techniques to wrestle the Kundalini from the junction of the 4 and 5 chakra. She will either sweet talk it (“Now doll, you know how fab you would look if you weren’t feeling so trapped and crawling around people’s spines”), try to sell it something from the Pinkdoor Places Yoga Boutique (“You would look darling in the new fav Pinkdoor Places Yoga Unitard”), threaten it (“Okay bitch, don’t make me have to go in there and lip-gloss you”) or finally beat it into submission while removing it completly from the Yogi if it is practically stubborn.

When asked what happens when the Kundalini is completely removed, Kimberly replied, “Oh, not much really. The Yogis just kind of start acting like the rest of the zoned out Gen X and Ys that tend to show up for my Yoga classes”.

A Yoga teacher extracting Kundalini from a Yoga student at the Pinkdoor Places Yoga studio.

Yogis Pissed - New Yoga School Established

Honey Money
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

The yoga world is all in a flutter with the announcement from the Jois Ashtanga Yoga Institute (KPJAYI) in Mysore, India of strict new requirements for its teacher certification and changes in its teacher authorization guidelines. Critics content that this is a blatant attempt by K. Pattabhi Jois, Inc. to consolidate his stranglehold on the Ashtanga yoga name. Supporters on the other hand say that this is a brilliant move to weed out the cry-babies and whiners in the Ashtanga organization; “you have to pay to play.”

Though there are some in the yoga community that still believe yoga should be free from commercial interests and be passed down from guru to student (ha-ha-ha, hee-hee, that’s so funny), others feel that this development is very ‘over-the-top’ with it’s most egregious requirement being the demand for multiple annual trips to KPJAYI headquarters. In response to these changes a group of disgruntled Ashtanga bloggers, aspiring Ashtanga yoga teachers and Ashtanga hot heads have established a new yoga school that goes by the name of Assthong Yoga.

The brainchild of Stanley Zambowski (previously known in the yoga world for trying to copyright OM), Assthong Yoga “promises to capture the excitement of Ashtanga yoga without all the expense and hooey of going to India.” Mr. Zambowski explained. “This is American yoga; for Ameicans, by Americans”, he added.

Membership Requirements:

Members in Assthong Yoga are restricted to disgruntled Ashtanga yogis who are citizens of and residing in the US; no aliens (illegal or extraterrestrial); those possessing H-1B visas or green cards are allowed membership.

Note: Special exclusion for membership into Assthong Yoga is applied to:

Tom Cruise
Madonna

All fees will be paid in US dollars or yogos (international yoga currency); no fees will be accepted in any foreign currency such as the rupee, the paso, the yen or the euro (which looks 'kinda gay' anyway; not there is anything wrong with Europe).

No telling of anecdotes from the time you met Pattabhi or stories about being in Mysore will be allowed.

No jump throughs or jump backs allowed; also no circus dogs or dancing monkeys will be admitted for membership.

Certification Process:

6 trips to the Pittsburgh headquarters of Assthong Yoga each year

$2,000 annual purchases of Assthong Yoga stuff

In another development regarding this story, it appears that the presidential candidates are also taking notice of the need for American yoga independence:

Barack Obama is quoted as saying. “And we must do whatever it takes to keep United States yoga independent. It is time now to break our dependence on foreign yoga.”

John McCain said, “We need to start drilling into those yogis!” When asked how many yoga mats Sarah Palin, his VP choice owned, he replied “Oh wait, wait, I know this one....It’s seven”. Yoga Journal reports that Ms. Palin only owns one and that it appears to be made from a moose.

Meanwhile T. Boone Pickens explained in a nationwide ad how he wants to tap the “loud, hot Ujjaji breathing” of an American school of yoga. “This should be enough energy to supply 90% of our energy needs”. He added, “If we can tap that wind-bag, YogaDawg, we should be able to supply all the energy needs of California alone."

Mysterious Yogi found under Van Gogh Painting

Jasper Johns
For Yoga Art Journal

A previously unknown charcoal sketch of a dog by Vincent van Gogh has been revealed in a high-tech look beneath one of his paintings. Using a new technique based on "synchrotron radiation induced X-ray fluorescence spectroscopy", the dog seems to be a preliminary sketch for an intended painting. It appears that Van Gogh changed his mind and instead, painted over the sketch with a portrait of Pere Tanguy, a dealer who sold art supplies in Paris.

Art Von Dawggin, an art historian at the Van Gogh Foundation commented, “We only know of one other instance of a painting of a dog by Van Gogh, “Portrait of a Yoga Dawg”. The title of the painting has always been a bit of a mystery as to who this dog was and what exactly is a “yoga dawg”. We know that Van Gogh had an interest in Japan as he has painted many paintings with a Japanese motif. It has been speculated that Tanguy might have had a meditating novelty statue in his shop that he brought back from Japan along with the Japanese prints that he sold to Van Gogh and the other Impressionist painters. Scholars now suspect that this might be a second painting that Van Gogh intended to paint containing a ‘Yoga Dawg”.

Editors Note: While researching this story, numerous references exist that seems to imply that there is an ancient Indian Rushi, a “YogaDawg” incarnation, that roams the earth and appears to yogis from timeto time throughout history, to tell them a good yoga joke.

Van Gogh painting with ghostly image of a 'YogaDawg' underneath.

The Van Gogh painting the 'YogaDawg' sketch was found under Portrait of Père Tanguy, 1887. Oil on canvas.

What the 'YogaDawg' painting by Van Gogh might have looked like as visualized by Art Von Dawggin of the Van Gogh Museum.

Yoga's All-Time Record Profits Gouge US Yogis, Group Says; US Yoga Profits Up 39 Percent

Free Me
For Radical Yoga Review

SANTA MONICA, California - NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga SuperStudio capped an orgy of Yoga studios quarterly record profits Friday with an 18 percent boost over last year to $1.4 billion, its highest one-quarter profit ever. What should really fuel the ire of U.S. Yogis, however, is its 39 percent increase in teacher training and Yoga conference profits, which come most directly out of the pockets of Yogis struggling to pay for $18.00-and-up Yoga classes nationwide, said the nonprofit, nonpartisan Yogis for Yoga Class Price Reform (YYCPR).

NirvanaPranaOneWorldYoga SuperStudio is also, to the tune of nearly $1 million so far, the lead funder of opposition to Proposition 108, the Fair Yoga Class Price Initiative on California’s November ballot. The measure would fund research and commercial development of alternative Yoga venues and diminish dependence on overpriced Yoga studios. It would be paid for by a levy on sales of Yoga props, videos and other Yoga paraphernalia sold by Yoga studios. Yoga studios are prohibited from passing the levy on to Yogis under the initiative.

"The successive record profits of the Yoga studios show that only outright greed drives their campaign against Prop 108," said Jeanie-ji, spokesperson for YYCPR. "The major Yoga studios want no interference in their ability to pick the pockets of Yogis, and no threats to their control of class prices.” “We find it odd”, she added, “that with new Yoga studios opening every day, prices should be driven down due to increased competition. Instead, there is almost collusion between them to keep them high.”

A recent poll by the organization, Yoga Alliance of Real California Yoga Stars, found that as the pain of continued high Yoga prices gnaws at Yogis, support for alternative Yoga venues and Proposition 108 in particular rises. A clear majority, 72 percent of those questioned, supported Prop 108 when its description was read to them. "The Yoga lobby has killed or stalled all attempts to rein in Yoga studios profiteering in the U.S", said Jeanie-ji.

When asked if there were other issues of concern beside high Yoga class prices, Jeanie-ji replied, “Yes, class sizes and crappy Yoga music. Not only are these studios charging outrageous prices for classes, but to add insult to injury, they cram as many students as they can into each class. We will be working on standards that will require all Yoga mats to be at least two feet away from each other in all directions”.

When asked about the issue of bad Yoga music played in the studio, Jeanie-ji replied, “This is one of the sleeper issues that many Yogis have been gripping about, like forever. It’s bad enough when they play that mind numbing stuff from famous Yoga kirtan stars, but when they start in with the temple bells and gong crap, we need to put our foot down”.

To incite change on a grass root level, YYCPR suggests that all Yogis take action in the fight against overpriced Yoga classes by filling out and sending the following form letter to any Yoga studio and their studio owners that they feel are guilty of the issues described above.

--------------Fill in the blanks then cut and paste into an email----------------

[Today's Date]

[Owner of Studio]
[Studio Address]

Dear [Owner of Studio]:

I am writing to let you know that your studio:

[check all that are appropriate]

( ) Is charging too much for Yoga classes
( ) Is too crowded
( ) Has crappy Yoga music

Until these conditions are corrected, I want to notify you that I will avoid practicing in your studio. I will either be:

a) Practicing at another studio where these conditions do not exist.
b) Practicing at home.

I encourage you to correct these conditions as soon as possible so we can continue to have a healthy Yogic relationship with your studio.

Please feel free to contact me once these conditions are corrected.

(Yoga studio guidelines can be found on the nonprofit, nonpartisan, Yogis for Yoga Class Price Reform (YYCPR) website)

The new YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box contains everything you need to become a Yoga teacher. Unlike other teacher training courses that are offered by every other Yoga studio and Yoga star in existence today, this easy, do-it-yourself, teacher training course will allow you to become a teacher in your own time or even quicker. With its collection of CDs, the easy to understand and critically acclaimed My Third Eye Itches – A Yoga Guide, the patented Yoga Student in a Box along with other learning tools, teacher training will no longer be the arduous affair that it has been in the past.

The YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box comes with following:

- Three disk teacher training CDs:

Disk One: The audio version of My Third Eye Itches - A Yoga Guide

Disk Two: A selection of Yoga inspired howling created by Fred (YogaDawgs next door neighbor).

Disk Three: White noise CD that can be played in the car or at night with subliminal messages such as: Yoga is money; I want to be a Yoga star, etc.

- The patented Super Abridged Yoga Classics that cut to the chase of such ancient Yoga texts as the Yoga Sutras, Bhagavad-Gita and Right-On Yoga.

- Flash cards showing the 12 essential poses of the YogaDawg SuperDuperBlissInducer Super Bok Choy Method ® that includes the correct alignment and benefits of each pose.

- A candle, a stick of incense and a book of matches to help create your sacred space.

- The patented Yoga Student in a Box ® to help you practice alignment on your future students.

- A set of framed photos of currents Yoga Stars to keep you inspired.

- And last but not least, the awe inspiring, simulated Yoga mat in the form of a real dollar bill. This can be used as a Yoga mat for the Yoga Student in a Box and for that all important “first buck’ you make in your career as a yoga teacher.

The YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box is offered for a limited time for only $59.95. A bargain over other teacher training courses which run into the thousands of dollars at your local Yoga studio. This is a golden opportunity to pursue your desire to become a Yoga Teacher and to cash in on the Yoga boom for a nominal price.

Upon completion of the Teacher Training in a Box, you will receive the coveted "Soon to be a Yoga Star" Ribbon printed with Congratulation on it from the YogaDawg College of Yoga. This will be a fine thing to pin to your Yoga mat when you actually teach students.

Praise for Teacher Training in a Box:

Damn, why didn’t I think of that…Cyndi Lee

Damn, why didn’t we think of that…David Life and Sharon Gannon

Damn, why didn’t we think of that…Rodney and Colleen

Damn, I could have been a Yoga teacher…George Bush

The YogaDawg Teacher Training in a Box with the patented Yoga Student in a Box

The coveted "Soon to be a Yoga Star" Ribbon from the YogaDawg College of Yoga

YogaDawg Spotted in DC

Jennie-Ji
For EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine

Wild rumors abound that the controversial and elusive yoga guru, YogaDawg, was spotted at the Global Mala celebration in Washington DC on September 21. Past attempts to photograph YogaDawg have failed due to his use of advanced yogic Siddhas (yoga powers). These have allowed YogaDawg from being photographed in public by eluding the paparazzi by either walking through walls, levitating out of windows or completely disappearing before his picture could be snapped. Why he has allowed himself to be photographed at this point is anyone’s guess. Some astute YogaDawg watchers believe that this may have something to do with his independent run for President of the United States. Others believe that it was simply the worldwide celebration of yoga that put YogaDawg in the mood to be photographed. In any event, whether the photos are real or not, yogis worldwide believe that YogaDawg may be slipping out his self-imposed exile since the time of the suspension of his famous yoga blog by evil forces of the Yoga Industrial Complex and Tom Cruise.

Shiva Sunshine (her real name she claims), who attended the gathering is quoted as saying, “I know I heard a lot of insane laughing from somewhere in the crowd. From what I know from YogaDawg, I would swear that it was him. Unfortunately, I never spotted him but there seem to be a lot of smiling faces from the direction of the laughter. But then who know? It might just have been the Yoga that got everyone smiling ”.