News Archive: Max September 2006

Well, that was good timing. No sooner had I posted a blog about my
irrepressible zest for life than the rumblings began. At first I
just thought I was hungry. It was dinner time, so I popped down the
street and bought myself a hamburger and chips. It was good. It was
tasty. And a couple of hours later, it began an emergency evacuation.

I don’t remember having had gastro before. And I’m pretty sure that
I would remember this. This was the single most disgusting experience
of my life. That’s why I feel compelled to share it with you. Not
because I think you want to know. God, no. If you’ve got any sense
at all, you’ll walk away right now, sit in the corner, plug your
ears with your fingers, and shout, “La la la la!” until I’ve
stopped talking. No, this isn’t for your benefit; this is because
I went through such a colossal life-changing experience that I
need to talk about it to believe it really happened.

Not too long ago, I was talking to a friend about colonic
irrigation—long story—and she mentioned that the average person
carries around four pounds of compacted fecal matter. Yeah, sorry,
now you’ll never be able to not know that again, either. Well, on the
positive side, I am fairly confident that I am no longer one of those
people.

One thing I found particularly remarkable was how big my stomach
must be. I mean, just judging from the available evidence, I must
be usually carrying around a shopping bag’s worth of food and
associated juices in there. Well, mostly juices. But still. Unless it was
expanding on exit, I just don’t see how everything could fit.

Jen and Fin both got gastro as well, but less spectacularly. In
fact, Fin’s hardly seemed to bother her: she had a couple of yucks,
then got on with business. I suppose when you’re a baby,
fluids periodically rushing out of your body without your permission is just
part of your daily routine. No need to write a blog about it.

But me, I have a whole new appreciation for the human body. No, wait,
“appreciation” isn’t the right word. Fear. That’s what I meant. I’ve
been reminded that I’m not completely in charge of this thing; that,
under certain circumstances, something else is going to take over the
controls for a while. And that’s an alarming idea. Although, boy: what a
show!

This means I’m immature. At least, according to the world’s great
thinkers. If we’re to call ourselves mature, intelligent
adults, apparently we must each
come to terms with the things we cannot change in life, and one of
these is that it must inevitably end. If you refuse to accept this,
it’s a sign that you are still in a child-like state.

But come on. Isn’t the only reason that we die because we haven’t
got the technology right yet? I once heard an Australian scientist,
Dr. Kruszelnicki, say that the current generation was probably
going to be the last to die or the first to live forever. I
tell you what, if I miss the immortal generation by a few
years, I’ll be pissed.

I don’t get why more people aren’t upset about this. I mean,
I’ve read angry letters to the editor about cabbages. Where’s the
outrage about the inevitability of death?
Seriously, which offends you more: petrol
prices, or the idea that one day people will either burn your
body or bury it?

Okay, there’s the afterlife argument. I’m not convinced. First,
even if you buy the idea that after you die, you go to a better
place, that strikes me as a little too much like, “Hey guys,
let’s ditch this party; I heard that other one’s way better!”
I’m sorry, but I’m enjoying this party. I don’t want to travel
halfway across the city only to discover that all the cool people
already left or we got the address wrong or the driver decides it’s kind
of late so maybe we should just go home. “Let’s go to the other
party” never works, and I don’t see why it should start working
just because I’m dead.

Nope, I want to stay here. It’s not because I have a phobia about
death. Actually, I don’t see how you can have a phobia
about death, because a phobia is an “irrational fear,” and I
can’t think of anything more rational to be frightened of than
imminent nonexistence. But no, it’s not that I’m scared, exactly.
It’s that I think it stinks.

My daughter has a thing for buttons. She’s fascinated by them.
Especially buttons that light up or make a beep when you press
them—those can keep her occupied for ages—but keyboards
are fun, too. She seems to have a particular talent for finding
obscure functions or keypress combinations; she’s sent text
messages, made phone calls, and locked up my computer.

Now Fin has made a movie. She was playing with the mobile phone,
and it has a camera function, and somehow she recorded a short
video clip. I have no idea how.

I don’t want to hype it up too
much, because she is only 12 months old. But I don’t think I’m
exaggerating to say that it’s probably the most insightful, spiritual,
brilliant, and meaningful piece of cinema ever made. The ending…
well, I won’t spoil it. Judge for yourself.