Spy or not

Okay. I was just about to download a spy program to put on my husband's computer..which by the way he said "do it...I told you i won't ever do it again". But decided not too because...what is the point? How would spying save a marriage? So lets say he does stop. Now don't we have another problem? My spying.....

no, i don't think it's a problem at all with you &quot;spying'. you are holding him accountable and he needs that right now. he has to earn your trust and i think your being able to monitor his activity, will help you to trust him again if he really, truly won't do anything again. if you do catch him, you'll know he is unable to stop.

You can get too obsessed with spying or other issues arise, such as him feeling that you don't trust him or you not thinking the spying you are doing is enough, anyway. If you want to do it later, there is always time. Think about it some more if you need to.

I am having the same dilemma. I researched the spyware on our computer but have not purchased it. I am wary. I am afraid maybe I did not delete the history and he knows that I was looking at it. I want to just believe him that he is remaining faithful. I don't want to worry about everything he does and I don't want to stress every time he walks out the door. However, he planted the seeds of doubt in the first place. I want to believe what he says now, and not focus on what he did then. I am opting to not spy on him. But it's a Catch 22 no matter what. Good luck to you.

Well New Strength--most of us are here because someone took advantage of our trust. I trusted for 25 years. There wasn't any work involved in the trusting. It just came naturally. I never had any doubts or fears or even the remote thought that my H would ever cheat. I cannot explain the shock of it all when he confessed. Now I have doubts and fears and question myself with just about every move he makes. I don't want to. I am trying to rebuild my faith in him because he wants me to and he wants to stay in this marriage. As do I. But it is hard. Technology has taken our significant others to realms we never were concerned about. Now if some want to use that technology to their advantage, I see no problem with it. I am fearful of the whole spying thing. I want to just believe and I am trying to do that. Now do know that I found an adult website on his computer after he said he would never go there again. Can you see why I would be leery? I don't blame others for spying. If nothing is wrong, then there's proof and all the more reason to mend the relationship. If there is proof to the contrary, then that gives the reasons to leave the relationship. It's all so frightening.

Well, Just, here is the problem. You as the victim and he as the perpetrator both have pains that neither of you understand about each other. You have things you need from him and he, likewise, has things he needs from you. Now, you are not in a typical marriage. You are now in a relationship where you are both going to have to work with each other to make this work out. I would suggest that the two of you sit down together every day and have a discussion about how each of you feels. Dig into his mind and find out where he is at mentally. SA is about thought patterns. It is a &quot;process addiction&quot; and not a substance addiction. He will replace his addiction with another or he will keep the one he has. All of my studies indicate this. I have studied this for four years trying to figure out who I was. I only found out three months ago that I am a SA. It was hard to admit. But, it was also like a light going off...I could see clearly the path to my recovering and I knew all the answers lie within my self. It is an absolute necessity to clear the mind of thoughts of sex for a SA. Meaningful, loving sex is still acceptable. You and he need that. Perhaps communication instead of spying might be the answer. If you pick the spying root I would surely understand that you cant trust him. The problem is...he knows that too. He needs support to heal and recover. Anger in no way conveys support. I will be praying for you and him. It is a very sensative situation. If you both love each other it can surely be worked out. Love conquers all.

Very thoughtful post WayneHere - I will be looking at your profile to see what has worked for you in overcoming your addiction, it sounds like you have done some great work on yourself. I have to agree about the communication part - my wife and I have become REALLY open with our communication &amp; now have a habit of recapping our days each evening &amp; doing a weekly recap during Sunday breakfast - this is working great. Plus last weekend we went out of town to work together on the goals of our relationship &amp; what we want out of it.

JUSTAWOMAN - I am working on being more specific in my communication, therefore to add to my previous post, I think it would help to ask yourself what outcome you are looking for if you installed the software to spy &amp; if he did look at another adult site what then would be your next action?

My response is ... I am afraid... I am out of here. Only because he knows it's the hiding that I cannot not except. If he is willing to hide what sites he goes too...who knows what will come next. I do not want to have to spy because frankly, life is too short. If I am going to be put into the situation where I need to spy then why bother?

For the past few days we have gone the route of talking about this subject every single day. Yes, I get to relive the pain and he gets to relive the embarrassment of me finding out his secret. I have to say, this seems to be of benefit to us both.

I'll be honest. I spied a LOT on my wife. And, I found out that all of my concerns were valid. Totally valid. I felt absolutely TERRIBLE about having to do that to my wife. I even had a GPS tracker attached to her car for a while. But, the doubts that she caused made me have to do it.

Honestly, I was hoping to prove that she was NOT doing anything wrong. Instead, I proved the opposite and then didn't want to face it. Finally, I had no choice when she called me to tell me she was pregnant with another man's baby.

Just remember--if you spy on him, be prepared to find out what you don't want to know. I did and sometimes I wish I never found out.

you shouldn't be his accountability partner...causes lots of stress for you to hold that responsibility. You are right on that your spying would pose a new problem...total waste of energy on your part...if he wants to look at the junk he will find a way, whether you are spying or not...sorry for your hurts!

You say it's your H's computer? My response here is that I would not do it. His recovery is up to him. If he wants a spy program on it, he should put it on there. I know it is hard to do this, I lived with a sex addict for 18 years and when he mentioned thoughts on trying to &quot;do better&quot; they always followed with, &quot;you do it&quot;, I did most of the time and learned that it rarely worked when I tried to clean up our lives on my own. It instead caused more heart ache and sorrow. I got blamed for his desire to break the &quot;rules&quot; which he said were mine because I took steps to make our home more on the pure side of life. Dr. Frank Freed said, &quot;When you take responisbility for someone, you take responsibility from someone.&quot;

Thank you all for your comments. It really helped in making my decision. He made a cute comment last night about me knowing his every move now and when I told him I have changed nothing he was shocked. I told him this is his problem not mine. Not sure where that will leave us.

Congrats justawoman - your last post was amazing. It's his problem and you let him know it's up to him to save himself and your relationship. Spying would have made you an enabler in a way, and you chose the high road - congrats again.

That said, my wife is well aware of my addiction and in the beginning we talked about it frequently. Then at some point I told her I needed to resolve it myself, because it was my issue. Also, I did install a web filter on my computer called K9 so that I could see how much time I spent surfing, what percentage of sites I visited and if I wanted to - block sites. I have had mixed results with this and have recently disabled the filtering functions so that I can work on making conscious choices vs. relying on the net nanny. I feel it can be a good tool, though only if I as the addict am the one in control of it. Otherwise - once I have access to a computer without the protection, what's to prevent me from falling back into the habit. I feel recovery comes down to becoming conscious of and interrupting habitual feelings, patterns, rituals and making new choices.

This discussion has been very helpful to me. I have rated a few of the comments. All positive of course. I know that my H has a problem with himself. I know it was never about me. I know that I trusted him once before and I can trust again. Despite the damage that has been done, it has opened my eyes to many things and I still believe he is the man for me. We all have flaws. I hope that he can overcome his addiction. I won't enable, but I will do what I can to help. Being supportive and here for him is a start. He is doing all he can for me also. I do think he still needs professional help. In his busy world right now, he has not found a counselor. This specialized care is not in our area. I would like to know what WayneHere and NewStrength have done to overcome. Any books you can recommend? I purchased a few but have yet to open them, or to give them to him. I don't want to go where I am not wanted, yet I do need to know he is getting some sort of help. Thanks a bunch. And Justawoman, I wish you continued happy progress.

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