Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Don't you just wish you could bottle up moments in your life so that long after the moment passes you could relive it again and again? I've felt that lots of times in life, particularly since having children - not necessarily in 'big' moments, but more in everyday ones that just fill your heart to bursting when you take the time to notice them - like little hands clasped around your neck, an unprompted act of kindness from a little one, unabashed excitement when you walk through the door, holding hands as you walk down the street.

With Lucy the feeling I want to bottle forever is when I cuddle her close and she just sinks into my chest, two fingers in her mouth, body completely relaxed. We often have a little dance around like this - cuddled together, her warmth and weight against me - a little taste of mum and baby heaven!

We have been so fortunate in this first chemo treatment that Lucy has been so well - only a couple of temperature spikes which have been easily managed with antibiotics, panadol and a few of the abovementioned cuddles!

She has been so well, and now it seems her blood levels are starting to recover too which is what the doctors are looking for! Everything is on the way up with the exception of haemoglobin, she's even on the board with neutrofils - 0.1 yesterday and 0.2 today! She is such a champion that if things continue to go well we may even be able to go home on Wednesday or Thursday for a few days, before returning to the hospital next week for a bone marrow biopsy to see how things are going in her bone marrow (hoping for no leukemia cells to be visible) and start her second round of treatment. Praise God!

On a less happy note, I noticed that Lucy's hair has started to fall out. Not great clumps, mostly just noticable in her cot. Another reminder that this is all really happening. Thankfully though, this side effect doesn't hurt, and her hair will grow back again (tho sometimes it comes back different to what it was like originally), and being a baldy baby isn't so bad!

We listened to "My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness" today - I feel like verse 2 should be my anthem -

My heart is filled with thankfulness

to Him who walks beside

who floods my weaknesses and strengths

and causes fear to fly

Whose every promise is enough

for every step I take

sustaining me with arms of love

and crowning me with grace".

I can't pretend that I know exactly why all this is happening to Lucy and our family, nor why others I know and love suffer in other ways. As I shared with my wonderful friend Nicola last night, I feel pretty much stipped bare by all that has happened for us in the last 6 years, but I do know that in all of it God is "enough" - his grace is sufficient, his mercies new every morning. I hope you know this all sufficient grace. Indeed I do not know anywhere else to go.