Dating Maze #317: Early Motherhood?

At age 22, she’s afraid of growing up too fast.

I am a 22-year-old college senior and have been dating a 28-year-old Israeli for a year now. Within the first three weeks of meeting each other in Israel, we spoke about marriage, for he believes that if you meet your soul mate you should not wait. I know he is the person I want to marry, but I asked him to wait until I finish my degree.

He has moved to the States for a year now so I can finish my degree, and after that we plan to move to Israel and get married. The fact that we are getting married within a year does not scare me as much as the fact that he wants to have children soon after. I know I can grow and build myself while married to him, but I believe it will be difficult (or impossible) to build my first career when I have children.

As a 28-year-old he has had time to build himself. However, since I am only 22, I feel that I need more time before having children. How can we resolve this conflict?

Rickie

Dear Rickie,

Thank you for raising a question that many young women ponder – whether it's a good idea, or even possible, to build a career at the same time as raising a family. The short answer is, "Yes, it can be a good idea and it is possible." We'll explain why we believe this is so.

The "decision" to marry and begin a family at a young age is based largely on an individual's world view. We are all products of our environment, and the attitudes of the society in which we live heavily influence our choices. As a young adult growing up in middle-class America, your cultural attitudes have likely encouraged you to spend your early adulthood focused on self-actualization and fulfillment. You've been told that this is the time to complete your education, enjoy life with few responsibilities, and explore different career and lifestyle options. You may have also absorbed the message that marriage and children should be considered – if at all – once you've built a career and achieved financial stability.

The milestones of adulthood have changed dramatically in the past generation.

There's nothing "wrong" with this scenario. It sounds quite reasonable, and many people follow that path. We heard a similar "message" when we were young adults, when many of our peers completed school, left home, became financially independent, and began careers and families in their early to mid-20s. However, the timetable to accomplish these "milestones of adulthood" has changed dramatically over the past generation. In "What Is It About 20-Somethings" (New York Times Magazine), author Robin Marantz Henig observes that 10 years ago, fewer than half of 30-year-old women, and less than a third of 30-year-old men, had made this "transition to adulthood." She predicted that the 2010 census will reveal an even lower percentage of 30-year-olds who have accepted the responsibilities of family life.

Several aspects of this trend toward prolonged adolescence disturb us. One of the most glaring ones is that this sets a stage for many young men and women to remain overly focused on themselves for years. This is the antithesis of Jewish values, which encourage us to be conscious of the greater world and to accept responsibility for others.

Another upsetting aspect of this trend is its adverse effect on Jewish demographics. Later marriage often means smaller families and fewer children, which means a smaller Jewish population (which we can ill afford), and less involvement in and support for Jewish schools, charities and institutions.

Matter of Perception

As we said, many life choices are dependent on one's world view. Let's look for a moment at young adults who come from cultures where it's more common to marry and have children at a relatively early age. You can see an example of this in many segments of the observant Jewish community. In this case, the majority of men and women who choose to marry in early adulthood are able to continue the process of self-actualization and pursue their goals at the same time they are building a marriage and a family.

Beyond this, many people don't realize that a healthy marriage is actually a primary venue for individual growth. People often experience a higher degree of self-awareness, due to marital dynamics which often necessitate a deeper consideration of one's motivations and goals. In addition, married individuals often find that because of a spouse's support and encouragement, they are able to pursue goals and interests they might not have otherwise followed. Furthermore, the experience of growing with a partner, developing the art compromise, team planning and communication, hones skills that prove invaluable in all areas of life, including the workplace. Motherhood can in fact facilitate this growth even more, with its inherent call for loyalty, self-sacrifice, performing under stress, etc.

That's not to say it isn't challenging to build a career and raise a family at the same time. But the question most of these people ask is, "How do I do it?" rather than "Do I do it?"

The how's aren't that simple, especially for a young mother. She and her husband need good child care and a commitment to share responsibilities for their children and their home. And she'll have to learn, as any working mother will tell you, that it's impossible to be a fully hands-on mother and have a high-powered career at the same time.

Life satisfaction isn't measured in the size of one's bank account or job promotion.

She will have to make choices. It may be that while her children are young, she'll work part-time or be on the "mommy track." She can work in her field, earning income and laying the foundation for when she will advance her career, but her main emphasis will be her children's lives. We know countless examples of doctors, lawyers, accountants, therapists, programmers, scientists, journalists, nurses, architects and businesswomen who have focused on raising young children while developing their careers, albeit at a slower pace than their high-powered colleagues. They gained the experience and the reputation they needed to put stronger emphasis on their careers once they felt they could devote more time to them. Some of them even chose to spend some time as stay-at-home moms.

These choices mean needing more time to build a nest egg. You may feel a twinge of jealousy when hearing about a classmate's career accomplishment. But life satisfaction isn't measured in the size of one's salary, bank account or latest job promotion. Most of the women we know who began their careers at the same time they had young children are happy with the choices they made.

It happens to be that in Israel, where you plan to make your home, women get married on average much earlier than their American counterparts. So in terms of cultural norms, having children at your age would not be at all unusual. You will find many young women at your stage of life development who are experiencing the joys and challenges of motherhood.

Having the Talk

At the end of the day, this is a deeply personal decision. While it is certainly possible to lay the foundations for a career and have a family at the same time, you and the man you marry will have to make choices that are right for you as a couple. It may be helpful for you to speak with young women who have made this choice, to hear their point of view and see how they’ve "made it work." Since Israel, where you plan to live, is very accommodating to working moms, try to include young mothers who live there in your “research.”

Most of all, it is crucial that you speak over your concerns with the man you are planning to marry. In fact, until the two of you have delved deeply into issues such as having children, sharing responsibilities in the home, building careers, finances, and the like, you should not get engaged. You must make sure that your expectations are compatible, and that if you have any significant differences you can make mutually acceptable compromises, before deciding to build a life together.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 20

(20)
hikky,
November 10, 2010 3:48 PM

http://serious.3dn.com

Cool story, thanks!

(19)
Michael,
October 13, 2010 8:00 PM

If you're not ready don't do it. With that I mean marriage. Children are the natural result of marriage, and to a large part the purpose of marriage. But if you do think about doing it, I would encourage you. I got married to my wife at 19; now, 2.5yrs later we have one daughter and another baby on the way, BH. While it is definitely hard to do this, I can't tell you how much I have grown from all this. I would be nowhere near the person I am now without my wife and daughter. Fatherhood (or in your case, motherhood) definitely makes you grow up faster. But that can be a very good thing. The sooner you get to know the "you" that is inside you, that is aching to break forth and achieve its mission on this earth, the more time in your life you will eventually have for self-realization.
But of course that is just me and my feelings. In summary: if you feel ready for the ride of your life, marry young and have children. If not, wait with the marriage. I hope it all will turn out well for you! May the Almighty One guide you in your decision.

(18)
veganesther,
October 12, 2010 11:59 PM

recipe for disaster

do not give young women false hopes. Her husband to be will feel tricked if she uses birth control to postpone having babies right away . if she wants to get married but not have babies right away tell him now before the chuppah. make it clear to your husband to be that you will be usung birth control until you feel ready to be a mother. If he does not agree then do not marry him. you won;t be happy.

(17)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2010 12:54 AM

Don't wait too long!

Like an earlier comment writer, I waited until later in life to have children - in my early 40s! While we had good, complicated reasons to wait, I feel much the same as she does. Before waiting to have a career, consider: We have had basically no help in raising the kids. I don't like holidays, because we have little extended family to share them with. My husband and I, while in fairly good health, have aging related problems such as osteoarthritis, high cholesterol, etc. And, I worry if something happens to us, the loving relative who is designated to care for our children really won't want to shoulder the responsibility, now that her own children are out of college. Older parents are also "different," and the kids know it. That being said, I know I made the right choice to delay childbearing ; I had very extenuating (grim) circumstances. But if I had been a "typical" young woman, I would have had kids somewhere in my 20s, and let my career go full steam later.

(16)
SusanE,
September 28, 2010 7:13 PM

Every Child Deserves to be Wanted.

Every baby deserves the full attention of it's Mother. Every child deserves the full devotion to it's needs that only it's mother can give. If a woman and can't fully think about doing that.... then why have children?
In the case of Rickie, what is the problem? Your husband of 28 wants children and already has had time to build a career for himself. He should have some financial stability already. Have him stay home when you get to Israel, and care for the babies he wants for several years.. Meanwhile, enabling you to begin building your career while you are financing the household. Everyone wins.

(15)
Bobby 5000,
September 28, 2010 2:34 AM

Don't be pushed into having children too early

Having children and working is very hard. I think you want to have a career and should stand your ground. You will probably resent him and perhaps your marriage. I would wait on both the marriage and the children.

(14)
Maayan,
September 23, 2010 10:44 PM

Kids first, then career

I advise putting kids before your career. Because once you've had a child, you may find yourself wanting to build your career around your family, and not the opposite. Whereas if you wait and build a career first, you may realize only after having children that your career is very much not conducive to a healthy family life.
When I had my first child, at age 23, I had to put my university studies on hold. It turned out to be a wonderful thing. Only after my daughter was born did I really understand where my course of study would take me in life - to another several years of study, followed by a very demanding career that would keep me out of the home more than full time. And only after she was born was I able to really see that I didn't want that.
My mother waited to have children - and then had to choose between a regular family life and her demanding, 50 hour a week job. Because her career was already in place, it would have been very difficult at that point to change career paths to something more flexible.
Also realize that it's not impossible to have a career and children. I have three children now, baruch Hashem, and I work. Many, many women have children and work. A child is not a disability, it won't prevent you from studying or traveling or going out to work if that's what you need to do.
All that is assuming that your only concern is regarding your career or your studies. If you think you're not emotionally mature enough yet to care for a child, that's a different issue.

(13)
Pauline,
September 23, 2010 6:39 PM

Do what's best for you and that you can live with.

I finished college at 21, began my career, had lots of fun dating, married at 30, we bought a home, and had 2 children in our mid/late 30's. I'd always wanted to be a full time mom, and have felt very blessed to be financially secure enough to be able to be with my children for so much of the every day stuff, of this very quickly fleeting time of their childhood. I feel sorry for mom's that miss out on this precious time with their children. However, I paid a very steep price. My mom died months before our wedding, my father immediately after the birth of our first child. We had a harder time getting pregnant, and I had harder pregnancies/labor not being so young when giving birth. Age and health also limited the number of children I could have. I have neither of my parents around to share with my children, and my children with them. Family holidays are pretty lonely. I had NO help when, believe me, you NEED lots of help with children. And no matter how long I live, I will unlikely get to have as much time to help my children or time to spend with my G...willing, future grandchildren as I would have if I'd started younger. It's good to know that if something happened to my husband or marriage, I could support myself and our children. But I can't get back time, people, experiences lost for my family. And as they say, no one on their death bed says they wish they'd spent more time on their career. A job really matters only in terms of what it does for what does matter...your family life / time together. Other thoughts: Be sure you really like how this man is with all kinds of people. It's likely how he will be with you and how your children may become like. And while it's great that he knows what he wants and that it's you, the rush may be a warning sign. I suggest one is married a bit (1-3) years before deciding to have children with anyone. Best wishes for what ever is right for you.

(12)
anon,
September 22, 2010 7:58 AM

moving to israel

Don't forget that besides getting married and building a home together you will also have to adjust to living in Israel! It is great that you guys know where you want to live and share that goal but for Rickie that will be another adjustment. Married life and a new country can be a lot to deal with- throw a baby in when you aren't ready and you could have real problems.
Rickie needs to have a long talk with this guy and explain everything written here- cultural differences, adjustment period etc. Maybe they can agree that the first year of marriage children are not an option (so Rickie will have time to find work, get used to a new country and life) and then talk again. By that time Rickie will know what she is dealing with- what her job demands are and what she wants for the future. The important thing is that the guy realize if they agree on some time frame that he not bring it up everyday and that it really is put on the back burner. If it is something that is a constant "fight" they will both get frustrated and angry at each other and that is no way to start a life.

(11)
Molly,
September 22, 2010 4:41 AM

What about...

What about just choosing to put your marriage and children first for a season, and making time for a career as the children grow and head off to school during the day? In my opinion, it just doesn't make sense to struggle to give half your attention to two jobs at once for 10-15 years. Or, even harder, some women find that after spending just a few years growing a career, they can't stand the thought of leaving the new baby with a sitter, and they drop out for a few years. Why is this so hard? The family is used to having two incomes, and both husband and wife may subconsciously resent the cute little income drain they've given birth to, rather than cherishing him! I simply don't understand the shame women have in choosing to do just one job for a season of their lives, and do it really well.
As for self-actualization, what greater way to grow as a person than as a wife and mother? A family is not just an accessory that goes great with a fabulous career. A career offers one kind of growth, and a husband and child offer completely different types of growth. My husband and children were *easily* the best things to ever happen to me. Don't be so willing to push these joys off indefinitely.

(10)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2010 8:55 PM

Dear Rickie,
It is possible to resolve the conflict, without delaying having kids. Here are the possibilities in such a scenario:
(1) You stay home and care for your children, and then pursue your career many years later.
(2) You pursue your career while your husband stays home and cares for your children.
(3) You and your husband both pursue your careers, and a daycare or a nanny care for your children.
Based on your letter, it sounds like Possibility 1 is not an option for you. Furthermore, studies have shown that a child needs a parent around on a regular, substantial basis in order to stem the development of psychological "issues." Therefore, Possibility 3 should be avoided if at all possible. That leaves you with Possibility 2 as your best option under such a scenario.
Once you are married, you will face significant pressure to have kids from other parties such as parents, friends, and societal norms. That excludes pressure that you will face from your husband and from biology. Therefore, you should have a long discussion with yourself before you get engaged (much less married) to determine what course of action you want to take.
Raising a child is a yes or no decision - there is no compromise on that point. You can compromise on WHEN you are ready to raise a child. You can compromise on HOW you will raise a child. But you cannot compromise on IF you will raise a child. Once you accept responsibility to raise a child (either born to you or adopted), your life and responsibilities will shift drastically...and you cannot rescind those responsibilities other than by getting divorced or placing the child up for adoption.
You have several options, but you need to decide what you are prepared to do - and you need to decide that point before you get engaged.

(9)
Rachel,
September 21, 2010 7:37 PM

No cookie-cutter answer to this one

I married at 22 but did not have children until my husband & I were in our early 30's. The career I pursued in my 20's did not work out. In my late 30's I went back to graduate school, but my children were still in elementary school when I finished and began my 2nd career. If I could do it over again, I'd have started my family sooner and then, when they were in secondary school, finished my graduate work and started my second career so I wouldn't have felt so exhausted taking care of chidren and working as a professional in a new field at the same time. I will add that becoming a parent each time made my life immeasurably richer -- instead of resenting the babies, as I had feared, I resented some of the less important things (like social obligations.)
Just about every country outside the US has better arrangements for new parents, by the way. The woman iwho wrote may be pleasantly surprised to find that Israel will be a better place to combine child-rearing and her profession.

(8)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2010 5:52 PM

young marriage

Do not agree. There is more to life than multiplying the Jewish population.
Your remarks subjugate women as incubators.
Try paying the bills on love alone. The couple should establish themselves first and save money for the college education of their future children.

(7)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2010 5:44 PM

same situation

I got promised myself i wouldnt get married until i finish college. I got married during college-- and it was the best decision ive ever made. I even had a baby during my graduate school career, and its been by far, the biggest blessing in my life, BH. Yes, its hard b/c you need a strong support system to help out the first couple months, or a babysitter when youre on call for your job, but its totally do-able! :)

(6)
Michy,
September 21, 2010 4:25 PM

No need to rush

This is a disturbing article pushing a young woman into having children when she doesn’t seem to be ready. She and her fiancé can agree on a timeframe, perhaps 2-3 years out, which will give her a little time without waiting years and years. My husband and I did the same. It’s all about compromise and I would think her fiancé would want her to be fulfilled and ready to be a mother, rather than stressed and overwhelmed,

(5)
yikes,
September 21, 2010 4:09 PM

Please don't encourage this girl to marry when not ready-- or have kids!

Please do not encourage what this girl does not feel is NATURAL-- if you are not ready-- don't do it-- only you will reap the consequences.
If you want to pursue your career, GO DO IT-- you must grow up and get it out of your system.. the right man will understand. My girlfriend married early, had 3 kids right away, and then her husband promised that she should open her own business-- he promised this even before they got married-- so long as she would have kids first-- well-- no deal-- now he wants child #4 and she is prohibited from working. "I don't want a wife who works"... she even thought about suicide..don't let this happen to you. you are young-- many guys will come your way--- just wait until you feel ready-- i promise you will ...

(4)
,
September 21, 2010 3:35 PM

I dont agree. If young people are not ready for marriage and motherhood, then simply pushing them into it for the purpose of growth just wont work. Ok, young people are not mature enough for the rigor of marriage and parenthood until 30s (or later)Is that any wonder given the current circumstances in the world(and the jewish world)?We cant simply push things to be the way we want them. We need to work with young people and help them to grow, and do it at their pace.

(3)
Anonymous,
September 20, 2010 2:28 PM

Rickie, enjoy both worlds

This year when your boyfriend is in the States, seeing the American culture, he will understand where you are coming from. The more education a woman receives, the less children she has. The college era that has expanded in the last two decades in the US, has changed women about motherhood and parenting. After one year of marriage, even in the US, people will start asking when you are planning to have children. Rickie may not be thinking of children now, she isn't in that mode of thinking on that at present time for it will not be a near reality. Getting her degree is and spending more time with her boyfriend. Rickie is not saying she never wants children. A compromise needs to be made. After marriage, waiting a year or two years at the most before starting a family. For the two of them to agree on a set time will ease both of their minds. For now, the two of them need to lay a foundation of building a good solid relationship between the two of them. Learning to deal with opposite opinions, for they will most surely come up on how to raise children. Career Jobs offer part-time hours now. Women do not have to put in a 40-60 hr work week without any options. Most companies and professional workplaces are cutting back on weekly work hours. Rickie can build a career with part-time hours and raise a family. In the former days, women did this just to have time away from the home and to spend time in an adult environment, for some adult interactions. Firms are not saying, you have to put in as many hours as men to prove yourself capable and competitive. Times are changing for your generation Rickie. You will not have to sacrifice the one for the other. Lots of Luck to you and him, on your pursuit of Love, Marriage, & Children.

(2)
Robert Rabinoff,
September 19, 2010 5:38 PM

Rearing Children

First a comment on the picture -- the young lady cuddling the baby looks like she's about 16 rather than 22! When I lived in Colorado in the mid-1990's a Denver radio station did a feature on "mosh pits." The (lady) reporter commented that "these kids have so much rage in them" implying "where did it come from." My immediate reaction was "of course -- nobody's been paying attention to them because their mothers have been too busy working all this time!" (I was single-parenting my son at the time by the way, and of course working to support him and his 3 siblings who lived with their mother.) I understand the need, in many cases, for mother to work -- perhaps she's single or perhaps they really need two incomes. And if women are going to be in the workplace they should certainly have equal pay and perks. And women are certainly capable of doing any job that doesn't require great physical strength. All that being said, is this a wise way to arrange society? When there are young children involved who need nurturing, I believe not. Even the kibbutzim, many of which were ideologically committed to _not_ having mothers be mothers, have backed off because they realize the harm it does to the children. We have only to look at Western society to understand the wisdom of Gd's "division of labor" in the family. All the best to Rickie and her man; and g'mar chatimah tovah and chag sameach to all. (11 Tishrei 5771)

(1)
Anonymous,
September 19, 2010 4:41 PM

Having Children at a young age.

While I've read Rosie's and Sherry's input on this matter, I don't think its a good idea to encourage Rickie to do something she is not ready for yet.Having children when you are not mentally, emotionally and financially equipped to support them could take a toll on the parents. Likewise it shouldn't be advisable for couples to marry if they are not ready to commit themselves to another person for the same reason. Its important to get your priorities straight and consider the setbacks of your decisions before you pledge yourself to something. Most young couples that I know who have children are being supported by their parents. Those who don't have that privilege tend to put family planning on hold for a couple of years. I've been married for 8 months now. Me and my husband moved to another country shortly after our wedding. We've mutually decided that having children right now is not the best thing for our marriage. With all the adjustments most newly weds have to make in addition of getting acclimated to a different cultural environment, family planning is not the main focus right now. Some people argue that putting self exploration ahead of having children is selfish. On the other hand, you shouldn't let your community have any influence on your decisions. Some people can't juggle parenthood and their careers in a short period of time. You only know whats best for yourself. If you are not ready to be a parent, then its no one else's authority to pressure you otherwise. I do feel its important for people to meticulously plan their future. Deciding a career before having a bigger responsibility of having a baby is a smart way to go ( unless you plan on being a stay at home Mom).

I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

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