So shit happened everyone. My husband lost his recently acquired job due to his fibromyalgia, we had to kick out a roommate because of douche behavior despite needing the income and I am single handedly supporting the family on 55% of what I was making last year. Added to all this are the two children that need to be taken care of and my husband’s subsequent depression. He thought it would be a good idea to kill himself because he’s not the provider he intended to be and feels like he’ll only weigh me down. Thankfully I got him into counselling, but he’s still depressed and going on about how he’s a failure in life. He won’t get that white picket fence, he won’t own that home, we won’t own a car any time soon and it’s become clear to him that I’m gonna have to go back to school so I can advance at work. He didn’t want me to have to do all of this.

He contemplated suicide because he feels like less of a man. Let that sink in for a moment.

If there was any doubt in my mind whatsoever that patriarchy hurts men too, it’s been erased these last few weeks. Here is one of the sweetest, most loving, funniest guys I have ever had the pleasure of knowing…and he has been raised to put his value into traditional “manhood”. He can get along with pretty much anyone, likes to listen and kids just love him…but he’s not bringing home the bacon so he’s worthless AMIRITE??

I have spent years deconstructing his notions of gender and equality, and while he’s not perfect and still veers into privilege territory, he’s been so willing to learn. However, this has got to be the hardest lesson of all. He was raised with the expectation that HE was to work, HE was to provide for the family and HE was never to let me down as the wife. He had all these ambitions and notions of manhood that he feels he is not living up to. He has held this belief in such a steadfast manner that he is now hurting, and he is hurting badly. Patriarchy has done so much more than just hurt me as a woman. I am ANGRY that men still make more than I do on average. I am ANGRY that I won’t fare as well in the job market because I’m not only a woman, but a mother. I am ANGRY that there are still people who validate my womb more than me. I am ANGRY that my appearance is a free for all. But what really pisses me off? Patriarchy has burdened my entire family. I am SO FUCKING PISSED that my husband feels like a worthless burden to me and the kids because as a man, he is “supposed” to be a certain way. He is so indoctrinated with this shit that he got to a point of feeling like life was not worth living. I’ve been asking myself every day “how can people not see how much this hurts everyone?” without many answers given beyond being told that it’s just the way it is. Well, I won’t accept that, and neither should he.

So I took a massive break from writing and general activism. I didn’t even feel like really writing today. But you know what? If I didn’t tap the keyboard and at least give it an honest go and ease back in, I’d be doing a huge injustice. My voice is my biggest asset to me and this is my passion. I wouldn’t be doing right by him if I didn’t keep pushing forward. I wouldn’t be giving him any justice if I did not use this to help break down barriers and open a dialogue. He is going to have an uphill battle in terms of breaking down the crap sandwich he was given so it would be a silly thing if I didn’t keep writing. More than ever, my husband needs feminism, no matter how self-indulgent and eye-roll worthy this post turns out to be. It’s not just a matter of me and my lady parts. It’s my life.

I’d love to hear about your lives. Where else has patriarchy hurt you or your loved ones? What do you do to fight it or purge? Any pearls of wisdom anyone wants to share? How do you shake it off and move forward? How would you get your loved ones to move forward?

28 Responses to “On Shaking It Off And Moving Forward”

Family members not getting help for ptsd because “only puzzles need therapy. ” thankfully they got over that. Patriarchy hurts everyone and it’s amazing to see how many people are HURT because of it but deny it is a problem.

Oh, MA, this is heart-breaking. I’m so sorry things are such a heap of turds right now.

My dad lost his job a couple of times when I was growing up (he worked in city administration and often, after elections where power changed hands, the new bosses would “clean house”), and it really did a number on his sense of self. I was still in grade school the first time I remember it happening, and they didn’t over-explain things to me, but I knew something was *really* wrong.

It’s horrible that at least a generation later, that stigma remains.

The Dude mostly struggles with the cartoon standards of Sporty Manliness and Dudely Sex-Machine-itude. There seems to be a cyclical thing with it; it will really get him down, then he realizes he can choose to value other ways of being, and that those who love him value other ways, too. But the funk, when it comes, is hard to root out. Sometimes, esp. if you’re dealing with full-blown depression, your loved one just can’t hear you over the hate-filled noise in their own heads. (And I say that as one who has been deafened by negativity before.) I hope he can get help, and you can get the help you need to get you both/all through it. Hugz.

I am SO FUCKING PISSED that my husband feels like a worthless burden to me and the kids because as a man, he is “supposed” to be a certain way.

I find that the “supposed” part is the worst. I was pretty unhappy right after I got married (for a variety of reasons, none of them having to do with my husband) and the worst part of it was having it all magnified by the “I’m a newlywed! I’m supposed to be happy! What’s wrong with me?” feeling. It’s wretched.

My SO has mentioned on occasion that he feels like a failure for not making very much money. It’s come into play, now that we are discussing The Trifecta: wedding, house, kids.

I’ve told him that I’m OK with being the breadwinner – I’ve got the education and I hate housework. (FWIW, we make the same amount of money – but he’s capped out and I am 7 years younger with more accreditation.) I am angry, too, at the stupid pressure we get every day, but we’re a team and we’ll get through it. He’s been through much worse.

This quote comes to mind, from The Farthest Shore by Le Guin, Ursula K. “Do nothing because it is righteous or praiseworthy or noble to do so; do nothing because it seems good to do so; do only that which you must do and which you cannot do in any other way.”

Oh geez, I hate being the first comment here. (Maybe if I type slow, someone will jump in ahead.)

I have been right there. First off, I should start by saying I have always been the breadwinner in my household, from day one. How else can I be a good parent and a good partner than by working hard and providing for my loved ones? This is very central to my experience of masculinity.

So when I thought I was going to lose my job last year (one short year after having been laid off the year before), I was a mess. I started imagining how shameful it would be if I ran out of money and had to ask for help. I couldn’t justify my existence without regular income. Thankfully my boyfriend stepped in and said “you do not have to ask anyone’s permission to exist. We do not worship the Invisible Hand of the free market!”

The kicker: I’m not a man. I am genderqueer, and the issue of economic independence is one I’ve always struggled with, because it is part of my gender identity. If I’m dependent, then I’m a woman, but I’m not a woman, so I can’t be dependent, and thus the cycle of negative thoughts drives me down into the ground.

We really do need each other to break through the delusion that we ought to conform to the kyrarchy. Otherwise it’s individuals against the world, and that’s no way to live.

We’re struggling with this as well – my partner also has bouts of depression, in part related to the fact that he is unemployed and has been for over two years now. I “bring home the bacon” by working at a menial job I hate, while going to grad school full-time. It’s not easy for either of us, but it kills me that he is depressed because of some arbitrary standard of manhood. I’d never really thought about it in terms of patriarchy before, but you’re so right. It is a problem with the system, and I am fucking ANGRY about it.

Thank you for posting this, for helping to normalize our situation and for giving me yet another reason to keep fighting against the patriarchal culture. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but we’re rooting for you.

Oh ouch — went through this that last year when my beloved beloved younger brother was struggling after a job loss — he’d always tended toward depression — but watching the patriarchal-failure-crisis spiral into suicidal behavior (which did eventually kill him — single car late night drunken accident) was excruciating. He was such a good, kind, funny person — the only one in my family I could truly count on — but because he’d always had trouble making a lot of money he thought that walled him off from all the things he wanted like love and a partner and a family — I’m glad your husband survived this round and thanks for articulating this so beautifully.

The patriarchy did a number on my dad too – he’s a smart, funny, intellectual guy with varied interests and great people skills, but he is virtually incapable of actually discussing his emotions. Pride in his children is expressed in a short sentence followed by two or three jokes and general teasing. When his mother died he sent me an email, and “grandma died” was the subject line. He suffers from depression too, and I don’t think he has ever felt safe reaching out or confiding in someone else to alleviate it. His response is to retreat from the world for a day or two and then come back ready to deal with life.

Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope work opportunities for both of you show up soon.

I’m so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through. I’ve seen a similar dynamic play out several times now. My father lost jobs several times during my childhood (my mother stayed at home, so he was our sole provider), and each time devastated him – so much that the last time he gave up altogether and retired, though he’d planned to work another 5-10 years. An ex-boyfriend also lost several jobs while we were together, and it devastated him each time. Conversely, the patriarchal expectations on my ex-husband (amplified further by his uber-macho Latin American culture) helped spur him to do all sorts of stupid and hurtful things which led me to divorce him, and which he has since deeply regretted. No doubt about it in my mind, patriarchy hurts the menz, too.

*hugs* MA, I am so sorry that this has happened to your family. I know that this is a long shot, but if there are any resources you need access to that I might be able to help with, please don’t hesitate to ask.

I haven’t had this particular dynamic play out as much in my own life, but I’ve definitely seen patriarchal norms hurt the men in my life. I sometimes think that my father only allows himself two negative emotions, anger and annoyance. My boyfriend told me soon after we started dating that he hadn’t cried at all basically since his parents had divorced when he was 9. (He’ll now cry in front of me but no one else.) Sigh. ;_;

My SO represses a ton of stuff for a long time. I remember when we first started seeing each other, his aunt was killed in Israel in a bombing. He couldn’t leave the country for her funeral (thanks, Immigration!). I remember that he did not think it was proper to cry because he was a man (yes, he actually told me that). I could look at his face and actually SEE the urge to cry and grieve and he would not let himself do it. We had to have a huge fight that eventually deteriorated into me shaking him and threatening to leave if he could not grieve properly. But we eventually worked through it. But it sucked so badly to see somebody not allow themselves to grieve for such a horrible situation.

MA, my thoughts are with you and your family. Depression is something not just the sufferer feels, and watching someone you love suffer with it is a terrible thing.

I’ve often thought about the burden men must carry, believing that they are obligated to be the sole or main financial support of a family. Even though it’s a burden they’ve imposed on themselves, it has to be a tough one to carry. Feminism is liberation for them too,in that sense and in many others.

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to help your husband and keep things together. I don’t have any advice, but I am sending hugs to you and your whole family.

Exhibit A: I make more than twice the money my husband does and we live in the home I bought and ran on my own before we were married. I know that he sometimes feels that he’s not a good provider and worries about his ability to take care of a family, because that’s what he’s “supposed” to do.

Exhibit B: My father (who is less than ten years from retirement) has recently lost his second job in five years. He’s thrown himself into household tasks to keep himself busy (and probably, out of depression). He is the old-school, compentent-provider type. The kind of guy who took pride in his ability to take care of his family no matter what (not just my mom and us kids, but even his mother and sisters when they needed it). Unemployment hurts him, and it hurts me to see him so demoralized. Moreso because having been the provider his entire life, he should not have to feel shame or inadequacy at being between jobs.

Exhibit C: Because of my father’s job loss, my mother is currently working a job that is physically and mentally taxing to make ends meet and keep health insurance. She has been a stay-at-home mom and wife for most of her life. I believe she feels like she can’t leave this job for a more suitable one because she’s now the primary breadwinner. The patriarchy wins because she feels like leaving the job would put stress back on my dad, and he feels bad that his wife has to work when he’s always been able to take care of things before.

Exhibit D: My 27-year-old brother feels like he’ll probably never be married because he’s not married yet, nor even dated anyone seriously in several years. It makes me sad that our marriage culture and the WIC has made him feel so hopeless at such a young age… and also, that at 27, he is feeling pressure to “settle down”.

Exhibit E: My husband suffers from more body-image issues than I do. No one should be made to feel that the body they were born with is less than acceptable.

tl;dr: Patriarchal norms hurt all of us individually and collectively.

I just want to chime in and comment on the disability part of it. I have fibromyalgia as well and I know how hard it is to do everyday tasks that the TAB (temporarily able bodied) take for granted. It is even complicated by the fact that people like to question it’s viability as a true disability. Cooking meals for my family was a big thing to me and now I find that I can only do it occasionally. It used to hurt me deeply until I realized that being unable to do it on a regular basis only made it that more special when I was able to do it. When it comes to fibro what matters is not what you can’t do but what you can and that is my two cents worth of advice.

Thanks for sharing everyone and thank you for the support, it’s so appreciated.

@Renee
Wordy McfuckinWORD on people not taking fibro seriously. Like, do people honestly think that my husband likes the fact that he can’t pick up the kids, work, do his sports or any other physically strenuous activities? Newsflash, he doesn’t.

The comments here about men suffering from not being able to allow themselves the release of crying, man, it doesn’t get more basic than that. When shit is really bad that’s sometimes all you can do, cry it out. And it starts so young, this taboo!

That’s why I’m so glad I grew up with “Free To Be You And Me”, a kids movie just about not needing to adhere to strict gender stereotypes with the bonus of a kickass 70s soundtrack.

William wanted a doll so eventually he won out and got one. Atalanta got to decide her fate instead of being married off. And so on. (The album has some different sketches and is similarly awesome, like the one about why the women in ads pretend to like housework because they’re being paid to sell a product, and the only way to make housework less of a bore is to share the work equally.)

I want to start by saying how much I feel for you and your family, Marie Anelle. It brought back memories from when I first got sick and then later lost my job. It’s very painful.

I hope your husband gets some help from the counseling. I was very lucky that I never got secondary depression from my illness but I did go to therapy for a while and attended some group sessions about how to deal with a chronic illness. Both of these helped me quite a bit in dealing with the grief and loss. And illness takes its toll on the spouse or partner as well so these things might help you as well (although I can understand that it may seem like “where is the time to do it?!”).

I agree with several other folks who commented that dealing with a chronic illness that causes disability can be very hard for women, too. I’m a 50 year old woman (mentioning my age to let folks know that even folks from my generation could be very career oriented) who valued my financial independence and loved (LOVED!) my job as a software engineer. I got sick when I was only 29. I tried very hard to keep working but I finally got too sick about 10 years ago.

It may be true that society and the patriarchy makes it even harder for a man to deal with losing his job, and what that means for his identity, but I’ll tell you that this situation is hell for anyone. I lost so much. I have come some sort of acceptance but even after 21 years there are still days when I grieve for all that I’ve lost. I want to hike, I want to work, heck, I want to just be able to do basic errands without exhaustion. It’s hard.

And speaking of the patriarchy, I am so lucky to have a husband who stayed with me and took care of me when I was too sick to even walk across the room. The statistics (at least for heterosexual marriage, I don’t know if stats exist for other couples) show that more men than women will leave if their spouse gets sick. I think that’s due to the societal expectations that women are supposed to be the caregivers but that role is not valued or encouraged when it comes to men. SO, yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

I wish you and your family all the best. He is very lucky to have you so that he does have to go through all this alone!

Really sorry to hear about what’s going down in your world, MA. As these comments show, you’re not alone.

Re: Instances of the patriarchy hurting men, I’ve got hundreds of examples from my own life, but here’s a particularly sad one. My father, in college in the late 40′s and early ’50s, wanted to be an elementary school teacher. He was bluntly discouraged: Teaching elementary school is for women, not men. These jobs don’t pay well. How do you think you are you going to support a family on this kind of salary? His loss, as well as societies. He is great with kids and would have made an excellent teacher. (One positive outcome: He eventually figured out his advisor was full of nonsense and he always made sure his kids knew their gender shouldn’t stop them from doing what they really wanted to do.)

Re: The depression – one thing that really helped me was dialectical behavioral therapy. I never went to a therapist who specifically practiced this method, just read up on it and did the exercises the treatment suggests. It helped me more than any other thing I tried.DBT Therapy
It was originally intended as therapy for a different condition, but is often used in depression as well. Anyhow, I don’t often hear it mentioned as much as the standard cognitive behavioral therapy advice, so I thought I’d mention it. Everyone is different though, so keep trying ’til you find something that helps! Good luck to you… :O)

My Dad just lost his job recently, the second time in three years, and it hits him really hard. He believes the only other emotion besides happy or confused is angry, so then he is difficult for all of us to deal with.

But his anger really is unexpressed sadness over being hurt, and as he sees it failing at his role as the breadwinner. He has been bugging me for years to get married so I can have someone who takes care of me, the idea of taking care of myself just worried him.

Good luck with your husband, and fibromylagia is an added burden, I really feel him. He is so lucky to have a woman like you in his life and all the support that brings. I hope things can get better, and sooner rather than later.

Patriachy hurts my family too. My Dad only recently learned how to talk about his emotions- growing up, I wondered if he loved me, because he never really showed it or wanted to do things with me.

My brother was pressured to be the one to ‘carry on the family name.’ He was supposed to be the wonderful, smart son and only male grandchild. When he didn’t go to the ‘right’ college, he was a disappointment. When he got depressed, he felt like a failure. Now, he is back in school and doing well, but feels angry at the world. He doesn’t control his anger well.

Patriarchy hurt me too. I had a eating disorder, was extremely perfectionist and suciadal through my adolescence. I felt like God hated me for being a girl.

What helped us all? Therapy. Lots of therapy. At one point, the entire family was in therapy, individually and jointly. It helped. I’m in school now to be a therapist, because I know therapy helps. My therapist was pretty good at understanding my feminism and encouraging me to be an activist- something I love her for.

- losing a job and feeling worthless because I was not the provider
- having difficulty finding a job because of economic conditions and blaming my inadequacy
- loss of my self-confidence by not being able to find a job
- taking it upon myself to work myself ragged around the house to make up for not working
- plunging into depression simply because work is unavailable or unrelenting or uninspiring
- being made to feel — by society — that I’m nothing if I’m not supporting my family
- afraid to get therapy because of “how it may look”

I’m coming late to the game here, since I wasn’t able to get to comment threads yesterday.

First of all, thinking lots of powerful good thoughts toward you and your family, Marie Anelle. I truly do believe in the mantra “it won’t always feel this crap.” If only because the newness will wear off.

My partner, also, struggles with depression and so I speak as a fellow support person when I say it can sometimes be really exhausting and heartbreaking. We’re equals as partners overall, but there are times when I really am the caretaker right now. And we’re both determined not to make that a set pattern … but it happens in the short term. And that’s what you do for people you love, so … it’s my job right now, as her girlfriend.

In terms of what helps the support person … I’ve just recently decided I need to get counseling as well as my partner, so I have a protected space to sort out how my needs are going to be met. Sounds like you have plenty on your plate right now, but if you know counseling helps you … don’t put it off!

How does patriarchy/the kyriarchy/sexism hurt my girlfriend and our lives together? I am reminded on a daily basis that being queer in no way exempts you from all the normative pressure of beauty/body ideals that we grow up with as women. My girlfriend has an intense self-loathing for her body and has a really hard time imagining she could be sexually attractive to anyone (let alone me, whom she sees as more beautiful vis a vis cultural expectations than she is). I have never hated the sexist beauty culture more intensely than I have since the beginning of our relationship, as I see how living in that toxic soup of cultural judgment has damaged Hanna’s ability to see herself through my eyes.

@MarieAnelle: Lots of love and hope for your family, and I really hope that your husband remembers soon that he brings so much more to the family than bacon. (I mean, it’s not like the two of you had kids because it’s *profitable*, so why would his worth be monetary?!)

@The Nerd: Oh boy do I hear you on “If I’m dependent, I’m a woman, but I’m not a woman so I can’t be dependent”…and I identify as a woman! >_< It took me 25 years to figure out that accepting help is okay, even good, and I still have trouble with the concept sometimes.

I’m a severe depressive, but not part of a family, so the burdens being talked about here – apart from invisible disability, perhaps – don’t apply to me. I just wanted to send good thoughts the way of the other commenters and their SO’s.

I recently dropped out of college, and although the “argh unmanly” thing didn’t do me too much damage (I mean, I spent six months in a bleak, near-suicidal depression, but in a more or less gender neutral way), it seriously wounded my relationship with my father. Between the failure itself (and of architecture, a very competitive course, which seemed to make it worse- I hadn’t just failed, I’d *lost*) and the ensuing depression, there emerged the unspoken suggestion that he had failed to raise me to be a “real man”, that, if I had failed at all, I should have dusted myself off and leap back into the fray. (And he’s somebody who himself who has struggled from depression, so it’s not simple insensitivity.) That, as you may have guessed, didn’t do either of us any favours.