Tag Archives: takayasu’s arteritus

The magnet thumps dully against the metal as the flag declaring our intentions is put on the roof of the car. The sky is a brilliant blue, unfit for grief and I think back to a similar sky on a similar day over a decade ago.

What do you say to the boys who have lost their mother? What do you say to the husband who can’t make sense of how cancer laid claim to a body within a span of days? Not years. Not months. Days.

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fearsThere will be a day when the burdens of this place,Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to faceBut until that day, we’ll hold on to you always (1)

There will be a day with no more suffering, no more pain, no more fears. Even and especially when we don’t understand Jesus please flood our hurt with your comfort. Peace that passes understanding. The assurance that covers all hurt – not removing it but allowing you to breathe through it and heal in spite of it. And I know it and believe it and have laid claim to it. I pray that they do too because mere words fall hollow on both ears and breaking hearts.

“The doctor will see you now.”

“You’re blood tests look great. So, you know you are in remission…”

I grab hold of these words and hang on as if my lives depends on them, because it does. But for how long? And how will I know when I’m not? And what happens then? Will I have the grace to declare God’s sovereignty over my life? When the fear becomes paralyzing, the unknown too heavy to carry, lay it down…take courage. God is striding ahead. And if that day comes, if the results are different, He promises He will be right there with me.

This has been a week of paradigms of opposition, of declarations of continued health and the sweeping hand of death. It’s been a week where even a diagnosis of remission is terrifying because it isn’t a continued guarantee of anything. Life’s fragility has been at center stage.

Lord, I come, I confessBowing here I find my restWithout You I fall apartYou’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need YouEvery hour I need You (2)

“Hey, Mom. My homework is done and the top is still off of the Jeep. Can I go get ice cream before I put it back on?”

The clock says its almost 9:00 on a school night. That brilliant blue sky of the morning has faded and darkened.

“Sure.” Then, running out the door after him, even though I am ready to call it a night, “Wait! I am coming too.”

And with the now night-cooled wind blowing our hair and the heater cranked warming our feet he looks at me and says, “Thanks for coming along.”Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

And in his sincerity, my eyes fill and my heart spills over as God wakes me up to how much life there is to live in every single day. I think about how quickly time is passing us by and how I don’t want to miss a second of it because as I have been reminded there aren’t any guarantees.

This is my story, this is my song,Praising my Savior all the day long. (3)

Praising and leaning in and holding on for dear life because Oh God, how I need You.

If I haven’t crossed this off my seasonal list by now (and chances are I haven’t because, hello, it’s summer!) I can always count on football two-a-days to take care of it for me. This morning, as I was driving home with the night sky in my rear view mirror and the sun peeking up ahead of me I was reminded of something that I wrote last summer just about the same time. It’s core message has come to mind many times since.

It’s not Thursday but we’re still throwin’ it back. Hopefully, the message will stick with you as well.

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up singing the praises of the hours between 6-8 (yes, AM!) because of how productive they have been over the last two weeks. Football two-a-days have had us rising at 5 am and on the road by 5:30 (my dear husband has been out of town for 7 of the 9 days leaving me the sole taxi driver.) But, they have also brought with them these magical hours of productivity. (However, don’t ask me to be anything other than semi-comatose after 9 pm.) Yesterday felt like a gift. We had the opportunity to spend the afternoon surrounded by family at a double header between the Cleveland Indians and the Arizona Diamondbacks at Progressive Field in Cleveland. We had “sweet” suite seats, the weather was custom-made for baseball, and we got to cheer on our neighbor in his first ever MLB start as a pitcher. He has such a feel-good story that we even got our “suite” neighbors on the Andrew Chafin bandwagon, cheering for the away team at a home game! At some point deep in the 3rd inning of the 1st game my 11 year old daughter looked at me and said, “When is the game going to start?” Oh dear child, we obviously have a lot to learn about baseball. I am not sure what she thought had been going on but we all shared a good laugh. One of many for the afternoon. This was our quintessential American summer day. However, with all of the poster-making, jumbo-tron dancing, hot dog eating excitement of yesterday afternoon, it wasn’t until we were on our way home (at 10:30 pm) that I realized I still had two pair of football pants that needed to be washed (spray the Shout, scrub the stains, wash, rinse, repeat if necessary) and more importantly dry by the wee hours of the morning. Fun has a price. So, while I waited on the washing machine to do it’s thing, I thought, “You should pack Ty’s lunch. You will thank yourself in the morning when all you have to do is roll out of bed, grab a coffee, and head out the door.” I also searched out socks (why does this always seem to be the one missing item?) and had his football bag otherwise packed and ready to go because I knew neither of us would be functional this morning. And I was right. And I did thank myself. On my drive back home from the football field this morning, as the coffee began to work and my brain began to wake up I had a thought. I remembered something I had heard a very long time ago and thought it was a great reminder for all of us.

You have to live ready.

Tomorrow may be a good day or tomorrow may be a nightmare. Will you be ready? Is your faith something you are building and strengthening everyday? Is your relationship with Jesus something you are nurturing? Or, are these just things that get dusted off, possibly on Sunday, and otherwise left alone only to be unpacked In Case Of Emergency. Are you waiting for “tomorrow” to explore this Jesus-thing a little bit deeper? If this is where you find yourself, please, wake up!

When the alarm goes off at 5am after too few hours of sleep, is your bag packed? Do you have clean matching socks and a lunch or are you scrambling to pull it together? We have to live ready because we don’t know when the crisis alarm is going to go off. We don’t get a notification in the mail that says, next month you will be diagnosed with a life-altering disease, please plan accordingly. We don’t receive a call that says, please make sure you have appropriate clothing you will be attending a funeral next week. (Maybe yours? I am sorry. That is harsh but it is also reality.) Ready or not, here it comes, with no warning.

We have to live ready! We need to use and strengthen our “faith muscles” every day because if we wait until crisis strikes they will be sluggish and sleepy when we need them most. We will have to dust our faith off and hope that we remember how to work it. It is so very easy to let our faith and relationship with Jesus rest in hibernation, only to be awakened in crisis.

This is a slippery slope, and I know because I have been there. I grew up in a solid Christian home, was involved in church. We were bringing our children up to love and fear the Lord. I thought I got it. Then God let me really have it! Oh, foolish proud heart. I have realized that I had nothing without Him. I am nothing without Him.

The problem with crisis is that we don’t know when the alarm is going to go off. When crisis strikes, your brain tends to go into default mode. So what is your default? You want live ready? Nurture your relationship with God. If you don’t have one, start one! If you don’t know how, ask me, I would love to help you figure this out. Dig into His Word for nourishment, spend time in prayer, communicating with our Father. Listen for His voice instead of just talking at Him. I don’t have all the answers. There is not an Easy 5 Step Plan For Readiness but we can stumble and bumble through this together. There are some things you will never be ready for but with faith you can survive them with hope for a better day ahead. The point is, don’t wait.

I can remember playing Parcheesi with my son and mom, 6 years ago at least. In the spirit of competition there was a little smack-talk going on and my son looked at my mom and told her, “Pack your bags your going home!” This my friends, is great advice, pack your bags. Live ready. You’ll thank yourself in the morning.

You know how sometimes, out of the clear blue, you get hit with life…memories…caught, unprepared and vulnerable. Yeah, me too. As I was sitting, watching a stupid tv show and crying my eyes out, I was reminded of how much a heart can hurt. I was reminded how hopeless days can seem. I was reminded of my story, and why I shared it in the first place. So, if reality has snuck up on you, and you find yourself with a broken and hurting heart, let me share a little love with you today. My prayer is that God would speak to you though my story and begin to heal your wounded heart.

I have a stack of e-book codes for my book, Run and Be Still, from WestBow Press that have been sitting on my desk for a year. Today, they are yours. So, if you, or someone you know and care about, needs a little bit of love this Valentine’s Day, email me or use the contact form, and as long as I have codes to give, they are yours.

My Valentine’s Day gift to you, no strings attached. I only ask that you read it…and let God do the rest.

As Thanksgiving winds down I thought this was a great reminder to take with us into the next season as we are continuously looking ahead to what is next…next to do, next to buy, next to find, nextto achieve contentment. In the process we are missing the now and all of the gifts held within it.

Forgive me Lord for my waiting room addiction…addicted to always thinking I am waiting. Counting down the days until I enter real life, when real life is happening right now and You are the one waiting for me to give you thanks for the miracle of now. Wake me up from my waiting room addiction.

As we kick off advent today please try and enjoy every second of the upcoming Christmas season.

I know it’s been a long time…too long. Let me bring you up to speed on what I have been mixed up in. Oh September, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1.) Birthdays – 7 of them that we celebrated to be precise. Including a slumber party for my now 12 year old daughter and 5 of her nearest and dearest where the conversation swung from ISIS, to music, to “Did you see what she did/wore/fill in the blank” and back again in the blink of an eye around the breakfast table. (Breakfast is one of my favorite times for conversation with my kids and their friends. Maybe it’s because they aren’t quite awake yet or aren’t in a hurry to go off and do “things” but I have found that if I feed them good food they will hang around and keep eating and keep talking and you can learn a lot! And they never fail to make me laugh!)

2.) Sporting events – which means practices, and feeding the team, and ticket taking, and ticket selling, and lots of cheering, and even more prayers blasted heavenward for protection. (Thankfully our only ER trip has been on a Sunday afternoon for an infected cut that looked pretty nasty and had gone from 0 to oozing and disgusting in the span of 36 hours.) Then there is a little job I got my husband and myself into this year called Visiting Locker Room Ambassadors. Trust me, not as fancy as the title sounds. In all of this I am considering buying an RV and living in the parking lot at the football field. It would make life much simpler.

3.) Travel – I spent the end of August and beginning of September getting ready for my trip to New York where I made some wonderful new friends and had the opportunity for some real “life” conversations. This was a mid-week trip which meant all the members of my household realized how much “behind-the scenes” work goes on that they were unaware of and yet even out-of-state I was the go-to middle man coordinating rides and pick-up times, and last minute changes of plans.

4.) Homework, Homecoming, and House Renovation – Back to school…back to homework. All I will say is that sometimes a new teacher’s expectations of their students aren’t quite realistic. We are struggling through the work load and learning great life lessons while we do it (says the mom confidently out loud even when she don’t always agree with it in her head.) Then there was the first homecoming and the flowers and new dress clothes (to coordinate with a specific dress color) and the honor of being the freshman attendant and the stress of which group to go with and the parties…which brings me to the house renovations.

I snapped this when the furniture guys went out to “get some tools.” I am not sure what tools they thought they had that would have made this fit.

“Have a homecoming party” mom says. “We’ll reno the back room in the basement” mom says. “It’ll be great” mom says. So I watch a few hours of HGTV and suddenly I am an expert and have my husband and son removing load-bearing walls and installing header beams and we were all pulling crazy hours in the underworld of our home. (There were only a few tense moments and sleepless nights when my husband was convinced our house was caving in…the things he does for love!) The furniture delivery guys just got the couch “slightly” stuck in the doorway and had to develop a Plan B (Pivot! Pivot! for my fellow Friends fans) but the basement was finished (enough) in time and my house was full (and loud) and we loved it! (And I think the kids did too.)

The month of September was packed full of craziness, and great experiences, and as always lots of fun. But because of that I have all of these thoughts filling my head, bouncing around off of each other and I can only hope that as they begin to pour out I can make them make some logical sense. (I kind of feel like my head is a balloon that is filled too full and about to burst.)

Here is a taste of some of what is going on up there and headed to you in the coming days…

I am loving getting older (yes, crazy) but I am finally confident in me for the sake of me and not anyone else. CS Lewis said, “The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because He made us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be…It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” Love that!

In New York I talked a lot about moments and I want to share some of that with you too. When you think about your life what are you really thinking about? What defines our lives? It’s the moments…the snapshots of memories that are framed like pictures in our minds. These are the building block of our triumphs and our tragedies. Some of my most treasured moments have occurred in the everyday. Moments also frame the pain that leave us breathless and forever changed. I have learned that God’s most gracious gifts are delivered to us exactly in these moments. Steve Maraboli said, “Sometimes it’s the same moments that take your breath away that breathe purpose and love back into your life.” YES! Who isn’t searching for purpose and love?!

And then, I am a fan of the big gesture. I have shared that before. Go big or go home. I have big dreams, big plans. God has been teaching me a lot about the small lately though and I am beginning to understand on a deeper level Ephesians 3:20 “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” “Infinitely more” to me means huge, big things happening here in the infinitely more place, but I am learning that God is a fan of the small. The small is what, through His mighty power, turns into something big, and chances are we don’t even have a clue. The words of Secretary-General of the United Nations, Dag Hammarskjold come to mind. “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for…the masses.” Christ left the ninety-nine for the one. So I will challenge you as I find myself challenged to embrace the small.

Let me ask you this question, what does a miracle look like? I know how I would have answered that question not to long ago but this passage written by Paul, has caused me to rethink what that answer is.

So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NLT)

Just after being diagnosed with Takayasu’s Arteritus, I kept telling everyone that I felt like I was awake for the first time in a long time. Why? My Christianity was in hibernation, only to be awakened in crisis. I have learned that if we don’t use our “faith muscles” everyday they will be sluggish and sleepy when we need them. We will have to dust off our Christianity like a long-forgotten tool and hope that we remember how to use it and pray that it will “start on the first pull.” I see so many people in the same place that I just was and want to scream at them to wake up! I have come to think of the Holy Spirit as caffeine for a drowsy spiritual life. Today, I am living my life steeped in God’s word and close communion with Him. But it’s only because it took a crisis to wake me up. The problem that I know I struggle with is that I get too easily complacent and self-sufficient. It becomes a slow fade from utter dependence to “Oh yeah, hey God I could use you today.”

Let me break down my walls of pride and tell you that God isn’t interested in my eloquence as a speaker or a writer. He is only interested in my surrendered life. I am no good to Him, my message holds no weight, unless He, and He alone, is the author of it. And if I am brutally honest, with myself as well as the rest of you, without a diagnosis of Takayasu’s Arteritus, and the continuation of battling an incurable disease (which means no miracle) my pride and self-sufficiency would still be running my life. And my fear is that with a miracle, those worldly crutches would begin to eventually, over time, creep back in to their supreme position.

Paul tried to get rid of the thorn. He even prayed three times that it might be removed. Three times he made a request for its removal. How many times has you prayed for God to remove whatever your “thorn” is?

Jesus said ask (keep on asking) and it shall be given unto you. He said knock (keep on knocking) and it shall be opened unto you. He said seek (keep at it) and ye shall find. We will get what we ask IF IT IS IN GOD’S WILL.

I John 5:14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything, according to his will, he hears us.

All prayer is answered. God either says YES or NO. Sometimes the YES is not always as we expect or want it. Many times God says, “If I do not rid you of the trouble, I will give you grace for victory over it”.

Denial of Paul’s request did not mean destitution but deliverance. The weight was not lifted but greater strength was given to bear it.

Life hurts sometimes, no doubt about it. When it does I have learned that I need to step past my pride and self-sufficiency and have the confidence in my weakness to ask for help when I need it and then have the humility to receive it on God’s terms so that his perfect strength can be displayed. I don’t need to understand it, I don’t need to agree with it. In fact, I don’t have much choice in the matter if I am going to be obedient.

The Lord gave Paul an answer to his prayer in 12 words.“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness”.

Helplessness and weakness…I used to hate them but God loves them and because of them God is able to use me. Maybe this is my miracle…I know for certain it is a blessing!

I wanted to dig into the Word this morning and look at one of my favorite passages about comfort. God is the author, the well-spring, of comfort. There at His foot have I found comfort that no one else can offer because His comfort comes infused with rest, and hope. God’s comfort is bigger than a few hollow words uttered by someone who, although trying, has no idea what to say. And then, because I have “been there” and received comfort from the hand of Jesus, I can comfort others with His comfort from the heart of a fellow weary traveler.

God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-7 NLT)

Comfort is a blessing. That comfort which we receive and the comfort we in turn provide.

Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you…” (Psalms 50:15 NLT)

God will rescue you…with comfort for a broken heart, peace for a tormented soul, and hope for a better tomorrow.

Charles Swindoll said this, “When you accept the fact that sometimes seasons are dry and times are hard and that God is in control of both, you will discover a sense of divine refuge, because the hope then is in God and not in yourself.”

We’ve all been dealt cards that we wish we could exchange. There have been times we have been ready to lay our hand down and just fold and walk away, but during the month of May I want to challenge you to see those cards for the blessings that may spring forth from them through this series that I have dubbed, “Into Every Life.” I want to challenge your definition of a “good” life and look at what a blessing may sometimes truly look like. My prayer is that as we do this we will begin to see our hand through the Dealer’s eyes.

“Into each life rain must fall,” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s famous words……but what if, as Laura Story in her song Blessings asks,

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if…will you join me this month as we look at this what if? If you know someone else who needs some encouragement, someone whose umbrella is tattered and torn from the downpour they have been weathering, would you please share this with them? Invite them to take this journey with us for a very real look at pain and blessings.

Just checking in today to see how everyone who decided to take the “Journey to the Cross” is faring now that we are one week in. As I have been studying and praying and listening I have come to a realization. God has been at work on me peeling away my layers of “yes, buts” and showing me that in this season of sacrifice, while chocolate was a nice thing to give up, unless it draws me closer to Him it’s just stuff. The sacrifice that I have been more and more convicted to lay over is that of self.

Deny thyself. It was at the heart of the very first post of our Lent journey.

If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. (Matthew 10:39 NLT)

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels—a plentiful harvest of new lives. Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity. Anyone who wants to be my disciple must follow me, because my servants must be where I am. And the Father will honor anyone who serves me. “Now my soul is deeply troubled. Should I pray, ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But this is the very reason I came! (John 12:24-27 NLT, emphasis mine)

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:1, 2 NLT, emphasis mine)

Lead me to the cross
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You.

A.W. Tozer said, “among the plastic saints of our times, Jesus has to do all the dying, and all we want to hear is another sermon about his dying.”

Here are C.S. Lewis’ thoughts on this subject from Counting The Cost.

The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self–all your wishes and precautions–to Christ.

Christ says ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked–the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: My own will shall become yours.’…

The goal toward which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal. That is what you are in for. And it is very important to realize that. If we do not, then we are very likely to start pulling back and resisting Him after a certain point. I think that many of us, when Christ has enabled us to overcome one or two sins that were an obvious nuisance, are inclined to feel (though we do not put it into words) that we are now good enough. He has done all we wanted Him to do. And we should be obliged if He would now leave us alone.

But this is the fatal mistake… The question is not what we intended ourselves to be, but what He intended us to be when He made us….

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you know that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of–throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself!

Whatever you are facing, whatever you are carrying today you don’t have to do it alone. Matt Chandler challenges us to get real, with ourselves, with others, with God. You don’t have to do this on your own. It’s a message that bears repeating because when the chips are down it’s one I tend to forget. It hits on all of the posts that I have begun in the last week and remain unfinished on paper and in my mind. Grace. Mercy. Pride. And Healing…

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Living passionately as a survivor, embracing the chaos of the everyday and finding God right in the midst of it all.

Love Runners & The Do Good Studio

Love Runners and The do Good Studio are a Run and Be Still offshoot. Inspired to do something more, I formed this collaboration dedicated to meeting the needs of those living in the margins, both locally and internationally.

It all began with this pair of worn shoes and these simple words, "Take me where love is needed." At it's core our purpose is simple...Take us where love is needed and let us help in meeting those needs tangibly, physically, and spiritually.

Do Good Studio is a 100% not-for-profit store that exists to fund different Love Runner sponsored causes dedicated meeting needs of those who cannot help themselves.

We are able to do this by through the sale of fair-trade, up-cycled and unique Do Good finds and there are some really cool things in The Studio!

Learn more at www.DoGoodStudio.org

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Cease Striving…Be still…Know God (Ps 46:10) Sounds peaceful, right? Peace-filled is more accurate. "Still" has little to do with activity and everything to do with state of mind. Welcome to my crazy life!