It seems the overriding feeling I've had the past few days is one of apathy. I've got too much time on my hands, and not much of an idea of how to pass it in any kind of meaningful way. I wish I could volunteer for something, but I'm not allowed to while I'm still waiting on the decision whether or not I qualify for benefit (and by now, I'm starting to think I may need it). And then, when the decision comes through and it's a yes, I'm not allowed to because I've got to keep myself available for proper jobs 40 hours a week.

I got another rejection e-mail the other day. Funny, how things have changed since the first time I ever looked for work. We wrote letters then, handwritten ones even, and got carefully typed letters back; 2 usually, a confirmation of receipt followed shortly after by a rejection letter. Now, we fill out forms on the Internet and the rejection e-mail pops up in your inbox days later, from noreply@wherever.com. No embossed papers with fancy letterhead that you can put in a manila folder and take to show your job centre 'workcoach' that you have been trying to find work, just a crappy print-out with a few lines in Courier. That's if you even get a reply, that is. Some companies won't even bother, I've noticed. You have to ring and find out that way that you're not what they're looking for.

My days are kind of same-y, really, which makes it kind of easy to forget what day it is exactly. The other day, thinking to get my grocery run done early, I was puzzled as to why the high street should be deserted and the supermarket closed at 8:15 am on a Thursday morning, so I walked on about half a mile to the station knowing there'd be people there whatever might be going on and asked a member of staff why things were so eerily quiet everywhere. He looked at me like I was from another planet before answering "Ascension Day, Ma'am, Ascension Day". And now it's Whitsun and that's very nearly caught me unawares as well.

I'm out of step with other things, too: for the first time since Andrew Lloyd Webber started selecting his leading man/ladies by means of a BBC talent competition, I've not been rooting for the person who ultimately won. To be honest, I hadn't been rooting for anybody...quite the opposite, in fact. There were two people I had to wait for what felt like a long time before they were eliminated, but other than with Connie, Lee and Jodie when it had been their audition process, there was no one I felt particularly passionate about should win it this time.

Several days on and I'm still more than content about the way Ashes To Ashes ended. But did it really have to be Dutch gangsters that killed the Quattro?