DREAMING

For the past 6 or so months I've been feeling a sense of loss in my photography. I wasn't inspired, I didn't want to pick up my camera, and so I didn't. Shoots were few and far between, and yet, I didn't mind, because I didn't want them. I didn't think I could produce anything good enough, so I didn't even want to try. My camera was/is slowly failing too, so that didn't help much.

During this time, other areas of my life went through big changes that needed my attention and emotional energy. Work, home, church, health - all these things changed, and my art took a backseat to it all.

Lately I've been earning enough money to start thinking about getting a new camera. And even though I know it's not about the camera, this small spark of movement towards photography again has rekindled in me my long lost love for art. It fanned the flames of dreams and ideas I had long ago, and now my pen can't keep up with my mind as I spend hours filling journals with these thoughts and desires.

Things are changing again. Though, unlike the last 6 months where the changes have been physical, I feel it deeper this time. In my soul. There is no other word for the place where I feel this overwhelming growing, moving, breathing, living thing inside me. My passion for photography is just one part of that.

I am terrified of this new adventure I see mapped out before me. Too many times my most inspired dreams have been given legs that didn't take them past the first step before they died. I don't want that to happen here.

In climbing, if you mess up a few moves, it can throw you all out of sequence and make it very difficult to keep going smoothly to the top. One time this happened, my workmate/friend told me to stop thinking about the moves I messed up, forget about what I just climbed. All I had to do was focus on the next move. You're here, at this point, what do you have to do to get to the next one? Don't worry about what you got wrong, you got here, so just think about how you're going to take the next step. You can start over from the middle of a climb.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm starting small, I'm forgetting the mistakes I've made, and focusing on the next move.

I know I've been called to be a photographer. I know it's what God wants me to do with my life. I feel like I've got fresh wind breathed into my sails, and I'm ready to go. I can't wait to share this new part of the journey with you.

7 comments:

I totally go in phases with my painting and drawing...sometimes I want to paint every day, and then I'll go months without wanting to paint at all. I'm not inspired, or I'm too busy, or life happens...who knows. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who goes through phases like this though. I hope you find lots of inspiration around you!

Hi Annie, it's my first time visiting your blog & just read this post. Have you ever read the book 'the artists way' by Julia Cameron? I read it in college when I was doing my arts degree in choreography. Brilliant & inspiring & life changing as an artist & addresses the things you talk about here.

Hey Annie - I stumbled upon your blog through a friend of a friend on my husband's facebook who liked your page & I think your work is so amazingly real, truthful & beautiful that I thought I should tell you that. God's put a great ability & gift within you, & there is no greater worship than to use everything he's given you for His glory. Passion isn't necessarily permanent or set in stone, just like passion in a marriage can die down if the fire isn't fueled - but it's good to know this, & to know that our passions are ignited by the act of acknowledging our failings, & gaining strength & hope by also understanding our potential & promise x MJ

Thank you for this comment! :) I sometimes feel that by "losing" my passion, I did something wrong, because I would hear about people whose passion never ran out, they just couldn't stop, it came so easily to them. I so appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and encouragement with me, and thank you for the lovely things you said about my work! xo