02 March 2010

Happily Ever After.

Warning: Disjointed (and probably nonsensical) ramblings ahead. I feel like I need to release, so you may not want to read this entry.

I've been in some sort of weird slump for the past few weeks. Forgive me for using a cliché, but it feels like a heavy fog has blurred my mind's eye and dampened my overall mood. No, it's not the grey, windy weather. It's not the coursework from this semester. It's not even the stress of taking (and passing) the ARRT in mid-May. It's none of those things.

That's basically it. Deep down everyone wants the storybook romance: to meet, fall in love, work through the inevitable rough patches, stay in love, and live happily ever after. Just like a cheesy romantic comedy. As most of us know all too well, Hollywood and real life are a bit different.

I'm no different from anyone else. I wanted to have the perfect relationship. I wanted to be a person who could make her day brighter; be supportive; always remember the little and the important things; keep control of his negative emotions; communicate when things became turbulent; to be loyal, faithful and truthful for God's sake -- plus a million other things. It was supposed to be simple, but I have a dumb tendency to over-complicate matters. [Edit: This entry from last September is sadly relevant.] I tried. I really tried. In the end, I came up short one too many times ... and failed myself and the girl who loved me.*

It's hard to type this.

The thing is, I knew what I had to do to fix what was wrong on my end. I don't have the answer for why I failed to do so. Maybe it's because, like the comic strip above, I didn't really know what entails a fairy-tale romance -- how much work both people have to put in to create the perfect relationship. I look back, and the pieces were all there. She was trying to put together her side of the puzzle. Too many times (way too many damn times) I'd throw down my pieces and rage, leave, or both. I'm profoundly sorry I lacked the capacity to provide lasting substance; and for lack of empathy, caused pain I never knew I was even capable of inflicting.

If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.
- Mercedes Lackey

If only I had done better. Okay I'll stop now. Lord help me, I need to go back to therapy.