Pops’ Rants: Silly Excuses and Subaru BRZ Baloney Edition

Yosemite Sam hates rabbits for no reason

Boy, do I hate summer. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: sun, beaches, bikinis, smoothies, convertibles, vacation, and all that jazz, but I still hate it. I hate the heat (I know, I should move to Alaska or something) and it’s a boring season as far as cars go, unless you like racing. But, you know what I hate more than a hot, sweaty season? Excuses and bologna. The kind that Subaru and Honda have been trying to feed me recently.

And you know what, I haven’t eaten bologna in a very long time.

But I digress.

Remember how I complained about the Honda Civic Si having gained a turbo engine for nothing a couple of months ago? Well, the Japanese just said that the new Si is as powerful as the old Si because they wanted to give customers a more reliable engine. That’s their second excuse for the Si’s meh performance, the first being that a detuned Type R engine would have made it too expensive for the average Joe. Oh my, so much drama. Someone please bring a couch and give Oprah a phone call!

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But, but, but, but...

"Hey, don't be mad, we just wanted to give you a more affordable and reliable performance Civic".

"Hey, don’t be mad, we just wanted to give you a more affordable and reliable performance Civic," said Honda. Okay, okay, I made that up, but it’s a pretty accurate resume of Honda’s gibberish on the matter. So let me get this straight, after flooding the market with several model using severely beefed-up small-displacement engines that are likely to need major repairs in a couple of years, Honda thought it would be nice to keep the Si’s power figures unchanged. Despite adding a freakin’ turbo!

It's just a scheme too keep the Type R above what nameplate enthusiasts can afford.

Sure, it’s a thoughtful, "hey look, we care about you and your money" idea, but it doesn’t work like that. See, when the Type R is definitely too expensive for the average Joe — not to mention available at the end of a very long waiting list in the U.S. — the right thing to do is to reduce the gap between the mild and boring model and the range-topping pocket rocket. And no, this isn’t about reliability and costs. It’s just a scheme too keep the Type R above what nameplate enthusiasts can afford, but right up the alley of collectors who want to buy it just because it’s fast and looks mean.

But I can get that. I can definitely relate to that from a business perspective. But only as long as the Civic Si gets a decent, say 250-horsepower output. In any other scenario, Honda is just doing it wrong. And hey, given McLaren’s awful performance in this year’s Formula One season with a Honda engine, I wouldn’t get my hopes up on the engine inside the Civic Si being that reliable.

The BRZ STI is here, yey! Oh wait...

The Subaru BRZ STI is arguably the most annoying car on the planet right now.

The Subaru BRZ STI is arguably the most annoying car on the planet right now. If I were to make a "Top 10 most annoying cars on the planet" article right now, the BRZ STI would take all ten spots. Seriously now, how many times do we have to go through this crap. Each time Subaru teases a "special" BRZ, everyone loses their shirt over the "OMG OMG, the BRZ STI is coming!" routine. It’s coming alright, with a big middle finger from Subaru.

You know what STI stands for? More power! S. T. More freakin' power!.

Oh sure, you can argue that the BRZ tS has a big wing and a few cool features under the skin, but hey, it’s not an STI. You know what STI stands for? More power! S. T. More freakin’ power! You know what sets the WRX STI apart from the regular WRX? Exactly, more power! And some chassis tweaks.

But hey, it’s our fault too, because we keep falling for this trap. Just like we keep falling in the "Toyota will finally build a more powerful 86" trap. And it’s the media’s fault too. The web was flooded with articles about how Subaru is finally giving us a BRZ STI when the first teasers were launched. And all we got is a "tS" badge in the shape of a middle finger hand gesture. Dandy!

Man, I sure hate summer...

Hey, I’m Pops, and these people here said I need to have a bio next to a picture like everyone else. I don’t like it one bit but heck, here I am. You’re probably wondering what my real name is, huh? Well it doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t care. People call me Pops and it’s been like that for a very long time. Heck, I think I’ve been the pops of the group since I was in my early 20s. Something to do with the fact that I rant a lot and I hate pretty much everything. "Hey look, here comes Pops to bitch some more," they used to say. They used to, get my drift? What a bunch of assholes! I never bitch, I have opinions. Sure, I kind of like hearing myself talk but hey, if you don’t like it, you know where the door is. I hate it when people don’t like what I have to say but still stick around.

Which brings me to why I’m here. You know what else I don’t like? This silly thing they now call an automotive industry. One of man’s greatest achievements has been pussified so every blockhead can drive a car while using smartphone apps, verifying his tire pressure, calling his wife, and checking whether his dog pooped on the neighbors lawn. Instrument panels have lights for every little thing that goes wrong under the hood and sends you to the dealer to change the oil. Change the oil yourself you lazy prick! Back in my day I did that in the garage, getting all sweaty and greasy. No car told me what to do and where to go. Buttons, swipes, screens, voice activation, I’m just sick of them. Wasting time and money on silly things instead of simply enjoying driving. I still do that you know. In my 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner. But not you. No, you’re too busy getting the latest apps. Ah screw it, you’re not gonna get it anyway. And I’m tired of this bio thing...