The mayor of Chelsea admits no one saw the problem coming. It crept up on her the same way it did for the other 6,975 people living in this Western Quebec Township.

Yes, 6,975 souls. There is a reason I am being so precise. I’ll explain in a minute.

But first, the problem.

“We were not expecting it,” says Caryl Green. “When we saw the actual figures we were shocked. It was the sort of thing you expected to never change. But there it was.”

The change was the 2011 Census, where, for the first time since censuses have been taken in this country, there were more Francophones living in Chelsea than there were Anglophones.

This came as surprise to everyone, but the numbers were right there. The township had 6,780 respondents in the 2011 Census and 3,170 of those identified themselves as English.

Which works out to 47%.

There were 3,275 Francophone respondents. And that works out — sit down for it — to 48%.

Now, that one per cent doesn’t matter much to the people who live in Chelsea. On a slow night, it might give you bragging rights at the Chelsea Pub, but it doesn’t go much further than that.

The census has merely confirmed what everyone here already knows. This is a French-English community.

But with Anglophones now behind Francophones, all manner of things could soon happen to Chelsea. I’ll let Mayor Green explain.

“We are a bilingual community. Municipal services are bilingual. Our web site is bilingual. We can offer bilingual services because the majority of our residents are English,” says the mayor. “Now with the census, and Bill 14, well, we don’t know what might happen.”

Yes, Bill 14. The last piece in this absurdist puzzle.

Bill 14 is proposed legislation that would make French the required workplace language for thousands of medium-sized businesses in the province.

It would also make French the only language a municipality can use if the Anglophone population is less than 50%.

Won’t matter if the town council wants to stay bilingual. Won’t matter if the residents want to stay bilingual. Dip below 50%, and you become French only.

“The PQ has said they will pass Bill 14 if they form a majority government,” says Green. “There is a lot of concern in the community right now.”

Perhaps you can imagine that.

If anyone from Chelsea is reading this column, I do have some good news though. I have the solution to your problem.

It came to me when I was reading the 2011 Census. It’s right there. Stay with me a minute and I’ll walk you through it.

According to the census there are not 6,780 people living in Chelsea, there are actually 6,975. One hundred and ninety-five people did not bother filling out the census.

I don’t think Chelsea should lose its bilingual status because some people were lazy. So I’m going to add the missing people to the English side of the ledger (scrutineer’s prerogative.)

There are another 355 people in Chelsea who are neither French nor English. And while living in Chelsea makes sense to me if you’re Russian or Swedish, it’s a mystery to me what you’re doing there if you’re Spanish.

I think you would be doing some people a favour if you steered them toward warmer climates. So, I’m going to do just that and take away from the Chelsea census numbers anyone from a country that has never won a gold medal at a winter Olympics.

This now leaves us with a total population in Chelsea of 6,808 and an Anglophone population of 3,365.

Do you see it? The solution? It’s right there.

Chelsea would keep its bilingual status if it had 39 English babies.

As simple as that. Account for the missing forms, convince some Spanish-speaking people to flock off to Nanaimo and you are 39 babies away from telling the PQ to take a jump.

Young families in Chelsea — this is your moment. Be not the sunshine patriot. Be the country you want to be.

Now, before I get nasty emails for people named Juan and young women in Chelsea who have never heard of Thomas Paine, let me say in my own defence:

I did not create the problem. I am only offering solutions.

Is it absurd? Of course it is. This is Quebec. (I mentioned that part, right?)