'Independence Day 2' Actually Has A Script?

Last week, AMC made thousands of drunk 30-somethings ecstatic when the network aired the 1996 cheese-and-corn casserole of an action film, Independence Day, starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman, in the wee hours of America’s Independence Day. Despite being horrendously written, with more plot holes than amateur porn, ID4 has kept a pop cultural wet soft spot with enough people that we don’t actually mind staying up past our bedtimes just to see Randy Quaid fly his plane up an alien warship’s ass.

Also, it’s worth noting that ID4 grossed more than $306 million in the U.S. and another $511 million around the world – presumably because other countries wanted to make sure America would save their butts from the aliens – because it shouldn’t shock anyone that 16 years later, Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin are going to make a sequel. I mean, we heard the rumors, but they’re dead serious.

“I can tell you that Roland and I have been working together for the first time in 11 years and we’re very excited about the idea of doing it,” Devlin said during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter. “Whether or not we can make this happen, if we can get all the pieces to come together, that’s gonna be challenging. But creatively, for the very first time since we did the original, I feel we have a worthy concept, a worthy path to go.” (Via THR)

I can see it now… Captain Steven Hiller and his stripper wife, Jasime Dubrow-Hiller, are living the good life in retirement, while their son, Dylan Dubrow-Hiller, is serving in the U.S. Air Force. Meanwhile, Major Mitchell is now the President of the United States, with General William Grey serving as his Secretary of Defense.

Wait, is Robert Loggia still alive? Yeah, I think so. Anyway, so President Whitmore is running the United Nations these days, because he only saved the entire free world, thankyouverymuch, and he’s not seeing eye-to-eye with President Mitchell’s new policy on a global economy. As things come to a heated debate in front of the leaders of the world powers, the aliens are all like, “Remember us, bitches?” And this time Russell Casse isn’t around to kill himself for humanity.

And, if there’s time, a golden retriever will jump from car-to-car to avoid a massive fireball.

Plus it’ll turn out that Harvey Fierstein’s brother had a twin brother, “Morton Gilbert”, but he’ll be the cool gay guy character, not the “I Think We’ve Made Him As Gay As Humanly Possible” Marty Gilbert character.

Plus if you don’t think there will be a joke about David Levinson turning down Apple or Facebook to work for President Mitchell, well then you’re insane.

Narrator: We thought there was just one mothership…
Will Smith: Aw hell no!
Narrator: But the people of earth are about to find out they were DEAD WRONG.
Jeff Goldblum: Ok, ok we we’re we’re uh…
Narrator: This Independence Day, the aliens will celebrate their victory…
People running in fear in the streets. Alien ship swoops down, shoots green shit and BOOM! White House Explodes!
Bill Pullman stands in front of a tattered American Flag, swaying in the breeze.
Bill Pullman: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!
(cue young boys choir music)
Narrator: Earths final stand begins July 4th.

A streetwise wigger with a heart of gold and his privileged girlfriend team up with a coterie of helpful, non-threatening minorities to battle invading Space Republicans the only way they know how – through the use of highly choreographed hip-hop dance routines and clumsily delivered Ebonics.

(Jeff Goldblum comes back from a night out with the wife)Jeff: Our house looks spotless! Our mexican maid Juanita did a wonderful job here.Wife: Honey… I can’t find your new Macbook Pro with Retina Display.Jeff: JUA-NIIIII-TAA!!!!!!!!!*calls INS*