Golf balls are the only thing Carlos Tevez will be driving in the next six months, as the Manchester City striker was been handed a ban from the roads by Manchester magistrates' court on Wednesday.

In a hearing that he did not personally attend, the Argentinean was found guilty of failing to respond to two counts of speeding. During proceedings, Tevez's lawyer also admitted his client did not have a proper UK driving licence (the one the Manchester City kit man printed on an undershirt shirt for him to show during his next goal celebration was apparently not considered legal).

Before being handed the six-month ban and £1,540 fine — approximately 0.2% of his monthly salary — his legal team offered the flimsiest of flimsy defenses. Solicitor Gwyn Lewis said Tevez was not driving the car at the time of the speeding offences, and that he did not give information to the Cheshire Constabulary because he did not understand the word "constabularly" on their letters. The Guardian quotes:

"He does understand the word 'police', but not more complicated words. The letters are written from Cheshire Constabulary and the word police doesn't appear on it anywhere."

"The word constabulary is not one that is recognised internationally, but of course police is."

So the logic is as follows: if you live in a foreign country and you receive several official-looking letters with details of your car, and driving offences pertaining to places you have been in your car, you can ignore them if you don't understand one of the words on them.

Other English terms that Tevez does not understand include "start warming up," and "why are you still sitting on the bench?" and "stop getting on that plane to Argentina."