It’s been three weeks since Glee shocked audiences with the craziest, most sex-filled episode we’ve ever seen, and now it’s finally time to see the repercussions from our Valentine’s Day wedding reception. Is Rachel really pregnant? Can Will and Emma save their relationship? What do gingers smell like? All those questions and more will be answered in this movie-filled recap of “Girls (And Boys) On Film!” Be warned Glee-bees I've had about three cups of coffee so brace yourselves...
So Here’s What You Missed On Glee
Mashup Madness: The episode opens on a gravity defying number, with a tuxedo-clad Will and Emma singing Fred Astaire’s “You’re All the World to Me.” The screen quickly changes to black and white, and our star-crossed McKinley teachers begin twirling and two-stepping right-side up, upside-down, and side-to-side. (Side-Note: I absolutely love hearing Emma sing. It’s the same giddy feeling I get when I hear a baby kitten let out a teeny-tiny meow.)
As it turns out, all that fancy footwork was actually just a part of Will’s dream, and he awakes in a panic. The next day at glee club Will, obviously inspired by his midnight fantasy, announces their assignment for the week: movies. Will explains, “Everybody loves movies — they don’t just tell stories, they transport us to other worlds. They are inspirational and the help us escape from our day-to-day anxieties.” Kitty quickly quips, “Like getting left at the alter?” (Side-Note: First of all, oooh burn! And secondly, let’s leave the snarky make-fun-of-Mr.-Schue comments to Santana, okay little one? At least we know that her insults are rooted in love.)
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Will tells the group to choose their favorite songs from their favorite movies, but there’s a special twist: boys vs. girls mashups! (Side-Note: Gaaaaah! I’m having "Vitamin D" flashbacks and I’m absolutely loving it! Who else Googled the crap out of Quinn’s yellow dress after that episode aired? Ah the good ‘ol days…) Artie announces that he is moving into production on his first micro-budget feature — aka he’s making a movie y’all — and he offers starring roles to the team that wins the competition.
It’s here, it’s here! It’s finally here! Blaine and Brittany suggest to the group that it’s a bummer that the guys and the girls are automatically pinned against each other, so they suggest that the first number should include everyone. And with that, the music begins, the hallway clears, and Glee fans everywhere get a wave of chills because it’s Glee’s 500th musical number!
Blaine and Brittany lead the New Directions throughout the school with a fast-paced, smile-inducing, toe-tapping rendition of “Shout.” (Side-Note: This performance is the epitome of why I fell in love with Glee. It was fun, energetic, and filled with impressive dance moves and incredible voices. Plus, seeing Sugar booty pop on the library table is a soon-to-be GIF that I want to find and cherish forever. Oh, and big round of applause for Queen Brittany please!)
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Now it’s time for the boys to show off their testosterone-filled mashup. Blaine, Artie, and Joe take center stage wearing exact replicas of Tom Cruise’s pilot-suit from Top Gun, and begin singing a very badass version of “Danger Zone.” (Side-Note: Hells yes! I loved Tom Cruise before he got all jumpy on Oprah's couch. At least we all have him to thank for this pop-culture gem.)
All of the sudden Sam, Ryder, and Jake slide into the room wearing nothing but white dress shirts and socks — clearly they’re channeling Tom Cruise in Risky Business — and they begin a pumped up version of “Old Time Rock and Role.” (Side-Note: Okay, this is amazing! The songs blend so well together and I’m definitely a fan of boys without pants. The really funny thing is that their aviators and Ray Bans sunglasses make this performance about a bajillion times sexier. Swoon!)
The girls are in the bathroom getting all dolled up for their performance in their Marilyn Monroe inspired outfits when Kitty approaches Marley. “I have a confession to make. For the past six months I’ve said behind your back and in front of your face that you're poor, and you're fat, and mousy, and boring, and you dress like Zach Galifianakis.” Kitty apologizes adding, “We’re both dating Puckermans, and someday we’ll be sisters-in-law and hanging out with Jews together.” (Side-Note: Love that plan! Can you imagine their awkward family Thanksgivings?)
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Marley lets down her guard and confesses to a finger-crossing Kitty that Ryder kissed her on Valentine’s Day. Kitty then offers Marley the greatest advice that every girl ever should hear: “Boys are like lumps of coal. They're dirty and they’re cheap and they get hot when they're rubbed. And some turn into diamonds. So collect as many as you can.” (Side-Note: Could this quote be any more perfect? I think I’ve found my new life motto — well, for my twenties at least. Keep in mind ladies, this little ditty only applies to boys and good men are completely different. Cough! Finn Hudson. Cough!)
The girls break into their rendition of “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” mashed up with Madonna’s “Material Girl” — complete with hot pink dresses, gloves, and sexy black fans. (Side-Note: Nope! Not fair! They’re singing a mashup that’s already been featured in Moulin Rouge! Plus this performance was kind of awkward at points, I don’t really know how to describe why — but we all know it was.)
NEXT: A Grand Gesture and a Sultry Secret!
Go Get Your Girl: On the day that the mash-off is announced, Finn pulls Will aside and asks if he’s had any luck on locating his MIA bride, but unfortunately Emma has channeled her inner-meerkat and is currently hiding out at an unknown location. (Side-Note: Now imagine Emma’s bushbaby eyes peeping out of a hole and don’t try to tell me you’re not smiling!) Will thanks Finn for his concern, but he thinks it’s best to just give Emma some space and if she really wants to be with him, she’ll come back on her own.
Finn, determined to ease his guilt from kissing Emma, asks Artie to help him track down Ms. Pillsbury for Mr. Schue. So the two friends do what anyone would do: they put on red wigs, ask Emma’s parents to come down to the school, and pretend to be two members of the “Stop Ginger Bullying Club.” (Side-Note: McKinley has so many bizarre clubs, it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a real thing.) After revealing that gingers smell like pennies, red-headed Finn convinces Emma’s parents to give them the address of where Emma is staying.
Finn rushes to tell Will that he needs to go to Emma and make a big romantic gesture in order to win her back. The next thing we know, Will is standing outside of Emma’s sister’s house singing a swoon-worthy version of “In Your Eyes.” The New Directions soon join him, and the music lures Emma out of bed and over to the window. (Side-Note: Gaaah! Be still my Wemma-loving heart. This feels like the couple I fell in love with back when they first kissed in the hallway. Will sounds amazing; it’s like this song was meant for him. However, I still can’t believe that Will still has that same crappy car.)
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Emma apologizes for shutting Will out, and says that she couldn’t explain because she’s not even sure that she understands what happened. Will makes it easy for her and says, “If you were to write yourself a pamphlet, what would it be called?” Emma thinks for a moment and responds with, “So You’re Freaking Out Because The Man You’re About to Marry Parades Back Into Town and You Don’t Think You Know Him Anymore.”
The duo decides they need to start from scratch and see if they can get to know each other all over again. (Side-Note: Well this is just a big fat bummer. Wemma lovers out there have been rooting for this couple for four years and now they’re back to square one? I guess we should be glad that they’re still together, but come on!)
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A Sultry Secret: The next day, Marley enters an art classroom to find an adorable looking Jake standing there waiting for her. Little Puckerman confesses to her that all of the sweet gifts and moments he gave her last week on Valentine’s Day were actually Ryder’s ideas.
To make up for his lack of V-Day creativity, Jake had set up an exact replica of the pottery scene from Ghost, and he proceeded to sing a flawless version of “Unchained Melody.” (Side-Note: Oh my goodness this scene is giving me chills! Jake’s voice is absolutely phenomenal, and the scene is charged with so much electricity I keep expecting to see little sparks burst every time they touch.)
Unfortunately Marley cannot get Ryder out of her sweet little head, and the song switches from Jake to Ryder and back-and forth as the best friends battle it out in her mind. Marley’s daydreams even include a super steamy kiss with Ryder. (Side-Note: Oh yeah, it must totally suck to have two perfect fellas vying for your attention. Your life is just sooo difficult right now Marley. In other news, the closest relationship I’m currently involved in is with the checkout guy at Trader Joes who doesn’t scoff at the fact that I buy four bottles of wine at a time. I love you, Stephen!)
The song ends and a doe-eyed Marley confesses that Ryder kissed her last week, and to make matters worse, she let him. Jake is clearly furious, and he leaves the room without saying a single word. (Side-Note: Well at least Marley was the one to break the news to Jake. It would have been a trillion times worse had Kitty been the one to happily reveal the scandalous secret.)
NEXT: Santana’s Super Snark/The Episode’s Best Moments
Cabin Fever: Santana is looking out a window of the loft, and in a lovely twist, we hear her inner monologue. “My first real week in New York and I’m snow-bound in Bushwick with a bunch of musical theater queens.” So here’s the sitch: Adam and Kurt are giggling in the kitchen, Brody is working, and Rachel is in the bathroom. (Side-Note: Adam, please see yourself out. Blaine’s face is cuter than your accent. And hey Brody, when Adam says you’re “working,” does that mean you're working the pole or do you only whore yourself out in hotel rooms? Yes ladies and Gleeks, I have officially reached full-on snark with these boys. Get ready.)
NYADA cancelled all of their classes because of the snow, and the group is currently going through a case of cabin fever because Santana and Rachel are bickering like two Chihuahuas in a crate. Kurt suggests they watch a movie, and from Santana’s DVD suggestions — Knocked Up, Rosemary’s Baby, and She’s Having a Baby — it’s clear our favorite Lima Heights lady has caught on to Rachel’s current bun-in-the-oven issue.
Kurt, clearly oblivious as to what is going on, chooses Moulin Rouge as their snowed-in selection. Suddenly, we’re transported to a roof, neon lights are all around, and a very dapper looking Blaine walks out onto the smoke-filled floor. (Side-Note: Totally serious right now: the song hasn’t even started and I just completely burst into tears. This is one of my all-time favorite songs and you all know how much I cherish this couple.)
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As Blaine begins singing “Come What May,” the scene cuts away to flashbacks of the couple’s most memorable moments. (Side-Note: Oh God! Now there are flashbacks too?! Holy crap I am dying right now. And for those of you that don’t quite understand, this is the equivalent to the “Flower Scene” for Klaine fans right now.) Kurt and Blaine slow dance together and create perfect harmonies with their voices before ending in a super sweet embrace.
Kurt’s daydream ends, and we see that he’s sitting on the couch next to Adam and he has tears in his eyes. He quickly blames the waterworks on his non-existent contacts, when Santana reveals the truth to an overly gullible Adam: “I would’ve thought that you were crying because you and Blaine used to talk about how this was your dream to sing this song to each other at your wedding.” (Side-Note: I never ever ever want Santana to leave my TV screen ever again. Let's have her start reading the morning news too!)
Oh but the bluntness doesn’t stop there! Santana stands up and shares what’s really been on her mind, saying “That Brody character is a freaking psycho.” (Side-Note: This! This right here is what I’ve been waiting for! Please continue Miss Lopez…) “When I first met him, totally thought he was weird. He smelt all talcumy like a Cabbage Patch Doll and then he said that I wasn’t a real New Yorker until I’ve had my first makeover and I was like, ‘What does that even mean? Like who are you?’” (Side-Note: I haven’t been this giddy since Kurt yelled at Brody for putting his bare ass on his vintage flea market chair)
Santana explains that she was willing to look past all this, but then she found a giant wad of money — $1,200 in cash to be exact — hidden in Brody’s things. Oh yeah, fun-fact: Santana likes to root through other people’s stuff, it’s kind of like a glorious panty-raiding hobby. In her quest to figure out what he was up to, Santana also found a pager. (Side-Note: Hi little ones, I’ll help you out. A “pager” is a magical device that was used before cell phones when you wanted to alert someone that you wanted to talk to them. Isn’t history fun?!) Santana declares that given the evidence, Brody is a drug-dealer. (Side-Note: Nope. Unless he’s dealing steroids and Muscle Milk, I’m gonna go ahead and stick with my original guess: Brody’s a hoe fo’ sho.)
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Kurt is in a NYADA classroom practicing his pirouettes when Adam lurks into the doorway saying, “What’s shaking bacon?” (Side-Note: Ugh just stop. You’re not funny and you look like you’re 45.) Adam asks Kurt about “Come What May,” and adds that he still loves Blaine and questions if he was just a rebound. (Side-Note: Kurt may have said no, but I sure as hell screamed yes.) Kurt admits that he desperately wants to be over Blaine, and Adam takes that as a sign that they should go to the movies, watch a sappy love flick and claim that as their movie. Luckily for Klaine fans everywhere, Kurt looks hesitant at this suggestion.
A happy-to-be-in-NYC Santana enters the loft to find Rachel sitting on the couch, looking thoroughly depressed and alone. So, naturally, she takes this opportunity to discuss what she found in Rachel’s bathroom trash: a used pregnancy test. Rachel quickly denies the whole thing telling Santana, “You had no right,” but then in a matter of seconds our beloved Miss Berry bursts into tears.
Fans quickly see a brand-new side to Santana as she hugs her sobbing friend and whispers that everything is going to be okay. (Side-Note: So I was recently alerted to the fact that Rachel and Santana’s (friend)shipper name is Pezberry. So first of all I absolutely love that! Also, I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to see Rachel with a friend. I feel like these two are going to be such a great pair together and I can’t wait for more!)
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The Final Five: Mr. Schue reveals the big winners of the annual girls vs. boys mashup competition, and no surprise here it’s… everyone! The room bursts into outraged comments, and the students claim how unfair it is while Ryder smashes an unknown object in the back of the room. (Side-Note: I feel like this is a little league baseball game where the finale score was Boys: 27 - Girls: 4, but everyone gets a trophy because the coaches don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. They can’t all be winners, Mr. Schue!) Artie explains that they all won because he wants the entire group to be involved in his senior project film, “Hollywood Hootenanny.”
Will then asks Finn to step out into the hallway saying, “Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy mopes around and sits on his ass until his best man helps save the day.” Will thanks Finn for encouraging him to win Emma back, and just when we think everything is going to be just peachy, Finn asks if Emma mentioned him at all. Will looks puzzled before Finn blurts out, “Because I kissed her.” Finn quickly explains his logic and how he tried to calm her down by locking lips, and apologizes profusely to his best friend and mentor.
Finn exclaims, “Go ahead and just punch me or whatever because I deserve it. I am so sorry.” However, Will just stands there, glaring at him before silently walking away. (Side-Note: Wow. Just when I thought that Finn had reached emotional perfection in the “I Do” episode, he gives us this amazing scene. I think Finn handled this situation with as much maturity and tact as he could, and kudos to Cory for making our eyes well up with tears.)
The episode ends with a fancy-footwork, high-energy version of “Footloose.” All you really need to know is that there is glitter and at one point Brittany takes off her sneaker in a fit of joy. See you next week Glee-bees!
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Most Heartwarming Moment: Finally seeing Kurt and Blaine singing “Come What May” to each other.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Rachel hysterically breakdown in Santana’s arms.
Quotables:
“You don’t get dibs on Les Mis just because you are the poster” — Kitty to Marley
“We should do The Artist so we don’t have to sing!” — Sugar to the girls.
“Where is Rachel anyways? Giving that living mannequin a bikini wax?” — Santana
“Moulin Rouge bitches! We love those dancing hoes!” — Kurt
“Oh okay, I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything, but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in, and goes through all your stuff, you’re offended?” — Santana
“Boys are like lumps of coal. They're dirty and their cheap and they get hot when they're rubbed. And some turn into diamonds. So collect as many as you can.” — Kitty to Marley
What did you think of “Girls (And boys) On Film”? Do you think Rachel’s really pregnant? What did you think of Finn’s confession to Mr. Schue? Sing your thoughts in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: Adam Rose/FOX(3)]
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Most reality shows, when you get down to it (and by it I mean your DVR fast forward button), could probably be about 15 minutes long. The two-hour premiere episode of the first-ever All-Star Celebrity Apprentice was really no exception, though if you whittled down host Donald Trump's inane bragging ("I happen to love these things, meatballs") and sexism (he was quick to point out Omarosa's figure and Lisa Rinna's lips), contestant Gary Busey's crazed antics, fruitless arguments, judge Piers Morgan putdowns, Trace Adkins stealing Sam Elliot's voice box, Lil' Jon's love of truffle oil, and declarations that they aren't there to make friends, they are there to win, you might not have any show left to show.
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The episode, titled "The Wolf in Charge of the Hen House", split the all-"stars" into two teams, Team Power (lead by Bret Michaels, and composed of the villainous Omarosa, Lil' Jon, Brande Roderick, Dennis Rodman, La Toya Jackson, and Claudia Jordan) and Team Plan B (lead by Trace Adkins, and composed of Gary Busey, who was quick to point out that their team name is also a birth control device, as well as Penn Jillette, Stephen Baldwin, Dee Snider, Marilu Henner, and Lisa Rinna).
The teams were given the task of raising funds for their charities by running a meatball shop for a day. Adkins opted to let the money from donors do the talking, while Brande (who literally got on her knees and beg to have Bret give her the title of project manager) put more of an emphasis on the quality of meatballs and less on mathematics.
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In the end, thanks to donations from big spenders like Amy Grant and Mick Foley (yeah, this show is weird), Adkins and Team Plan B won the challenge by bringing in nearly $420,000 and Bret (who foolishly chose Omarosa to be on his team and then let Brande take the wheel on their project) and La Toya (who, despite being a member of the Jackson family, barely made a blip on the crazy radar) were put on the chopping block for Team Power.
A few other moments from the All-Star Celebrity Apprentice premiere, before the big "You're fired" reveal:
- The episode had the contestants meet at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, to kill art, once and for all.
- "Almost everyone of you has been fired here, most of you will be fired again, but somebody is gonna win" - Donald Trump, CEO of No S**t, Sherlock Industries.
- Despite the fact that they named their product Naked Balls with Harry's Sauce, Team Plan B still won.
- "God ain't no punk"- Omarosa's interpretation of the bible. I think that was in the letter from Paul to the Corinthians.
- Kelly Ripa's bizarre rationalization that she is a vegetarian in "real life" but eats meat on television. Does she not think her job on television counts as reality? Kelly, where are you?!
- Alec Baldwin shout-out! Declared by Donald Trump to his brother Stephen Baldwin as a "terrific guy".
- Ivanka Trump mercifully shooting down the show's rampant sexist attitude after Claudia said a male teammate "was bitching and complaining like a woman." Sisterhood!
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In the end, it turned out to be Bret who was told "You're fired" by the Donald, who was peeved with him from the start for having the nerve to compete again. THE NERVE TO COME BACK FOR AN ALL-STAR SEASON WHEN YOU'RE TECHNICALLY THE BEST OF THE ALL-STARS! Of course, Omarosa did what she does best to get the reigning champ out the door first: she manipulated the hell out of everyone around her, even her buddy Donald. Who do you think is going to walk away the champ of this televised oxymoron (all-"stars") All-Star Celebrity Apprentice?
[Photo credit: Douglas Gorenstein/NBC]
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It's hard not to be fooled by the trailers for Beautiful Creatures. Another movie adaptation of a YA novel about a supernatural love? So soon? Heck, even the filmmakers are aware of the inevitable Twilight comparisons. But don't count the movie out just yet, you might be surprised.
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Not only does the story have a much stronger female protagonist (Lena is a witch, but she's no Bella Swan) and an appeal reaching much further than the teenaged girl demographic, but it also has some serious thespians on board.
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How do you make a movie about light and dark magic, star-crossed teen love, and literal witch hunts legit? You cast the likes of Oscar winner Emma Thompson, Oscar winner Jeremy Irons, and Oscar nominee Viola Davis, that's how. (Not to mention Emmy winner Margo Martindale and Golden Globe nominated character actress Eileen Atkins, too).
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Sure, its up-and-coming leads Alice Englert and Alden Ehrenreich may have younger moviegoers swooning when the movie hits theaters this Friday, but it's these Hollywood heavy hitters that will help propel the film to another place. Here's why:
Emma Thompson
Who She Plays in Beautiful Creatures: Mrs. Lincoln, a small town conservative woman who becomes possessed.
Why She Brings Some Serious Cred: Oh, let's see, just a little something called having two Oscars to her name, one for acting (Best Actress for Howard's End) and one for writing (Best Adapted Screenplay for Sense and Sensibility). That, and she's one of the most respected actresses of our time, and rightly so, thanks to her work in films like the Harry Potter saga, The Remains of the Day, Stranger Than Fiction, Primary Colors, and An Education. Not to mention the fact that she brought the most weight to the otherwise fluffy Love, Actually (her breakdown scene in the bedroom actually should have earned her another Oscar nod).
Viola Davis
Who She Plays in Beautiful Creatures: Amma, guardian of Ethan (Ehrenreich) and the library (the entrance to the underground caster network).
Why She Brings Some Serious Cred: Last year's Best Actress front runner may have eventually lost the gold to Meryl Streep — but if you're gonna lose, who better to lose to? Still, the actress was the heart and soul of The Help, much like she's been with other films on her impressive resume, such as Doubt (which also earned her an Oscar nomination), Won't Back Down, Eat Pray Love, and Solaris.
Jeremy Irons
Who He Plays in Beautiful Creatures: Macon, the light magic caster uncle of Lena (Englert), who is dedicated to making sure she stays on the light side.
Why He Brings Some Serious Cred: The Oscar winner (Best Supporting Actor for Reversal of Fortune) not only has one of the best voices in the biz (no one else could have made Scar quite so scary in The Lion King), but one of the most respected bodies of work out there. From television (The Borgias) to movies (Margin Call, Lolita, The Man in the Iron Mask), Irons always extra gravitas to any project.
Beautiful Creatures opens in theaters on Friday.
[Photo credits: Warner Bros. Pictures]
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The only thing more awkward than the moments after sharing a life-altering, soul-shaking, passion-fueled kiss between two friends who are secretly in love with each other, is trying to figure out what's next. Just ask the writers of New Girl. They were left with the not-so-enviable task of determining where Jess and Nick go after that knee-buckling lip lock from last week.
They could have them go by the way of Chandler and Monica on Friends, and have Nick and Jess pawing at each other for more. They could have them go by the way of Jim and Pam on The Office and have a lovelorn Nick move out while Sam moves in with Jess. Or, they could have it most resemble real life and have them be really, really, awkward around each other. Sorry 'shippers hoping for more hot Jess and Nick action, the folks behind New Girl went with door no. 3.
Last night's episode, "Table 34", started off where last week's game-changing moment left off. Jess and Nick were in their respective rooms, but neither could sleep and both were freaking out in their own way. The two wound up in the hall at the same time, which caused them to freak out even more. Nick was so freaked out, in fact, that he backwards moonwalked right back into his room. Apparently, this is a patented Nick Miller move and I somehow love him even more now.
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In the harsh light of day Jess tried to play it cool around Sam who, of course, was being exceedingly sweet. But since Jess is terrible at playing it cool, she hesitated in telling him about what happened in the hall with Nick just hours earlier. While she couldn't muster up the courage to tell Sam, she did get around to telling her best pal Cece about the firm, but tender kiss with Nick that transcended time and space. And then, something truly amazing happened, fellow New Girl fans: Cece made me laugh out loud for the first time, maybe ever, thanks to Hannah Simeone's perfect delivery of a surprised "Whhhhhhaaaaaaa!?"
Now, rather than just have Nick and Jess have to encounter each other in the hall of the loft again, or anywhere remotely normal for them to come to terms with their new reality, they instead thrust them, unknowingly, together at an arranged marriage convention for people of Indian descent, which they are not. Jess was there as moral support for Cece, while Nick was there because Schmidt, who was attending in yet another attempt to win Cece back, was bound to make an ass of himself.
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It's sort of unfortunate that this turned out to be the locale of the big Nick and Jess post-kiss fallout scenario. The stakes didn't feel much higher, even with talk of marriage everywhere as Nick and Jess needled each other about who the kiss meant more two and denied how much it actually did mean. We didn't need Nick and Jess participating in activities like table-building to find out they're compatible. We already knew that, they already knew that. Jess didn't need to be at that convention to finally getting around to confessing to Sam, which she did, and Sam certainly didn't need to hit Nick in the chest (who had already been hit in the nuts by a ticked-off Winston after he found out about the kiss) or break up with her there, either. If anything, the setting of the big moment took away from the impact.
Still, Sam and Jess needed to break up no matter where and when it happened. Not just because of what happened with Nick, but because Sam has been as inconsistent a boyfriend as he has been a character. He started off as a clueless goon sex god, then turned into a non-committal jerk, then turned into a sweet, sensitive doctor boyfriend, and then back to being a jerk again for dumping Jess despite the fact that she not only apologized, but wasn't in the wrong. I say this not as a Nick fan, but a Jess supporter: Sayonara Dr. Sam. (That said, I will be sad to see David Walton go.)
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Of course, Jess was still crushed by being dumped by Sam and back at the loft Nick tried desperately to cheer her up by dancing terribly to Taylor Swift and cracking jokes. It was the post-kiss fallout scene that should have happened from the start. Nick gloated about being a home wrecker and Jess looked on like sad Bambi. They went back and forth, as Nick and Jess do. Jess said she was still mad at Nick, but let's face it, probably not for very long. Nick, under the previous advisement of Future Nick, apologized to her, but I doubt it will be the last one.
Then, right as they said goodnight to each other, Nick moved in closer, with a familiar look on his face and gave Jess….a hug. It was awkward and certainly unsexy, and as Nick declared, things were "back to normal." By which he also meant, we're back to the norm of dangling the possibility of Nick and Jess as a couple in front of us. Sigh.
While Nick and Jess are still a question mark, Schmidt and Cece are just delaying the inevitable. Now, it made sense for those two to be at the arranged marriage gathering, because the stakes were most certainly high for both of them. Cece discovered she was at the bottom of the societal totem pole (which, even if she was, there's no way she wouldn't have been getting hit on before Schmidt made his big speech), while Schmidt figured out maybe the best way to winning her back was to set her free.
You know what, scratch all that. Because by the end of the night, Schmidt — who spent the episode in traditional Indian garb and coming up with as many Indian puns and insults as possible, including "I will Calcut-a bitch up in here" and the fact that "Yes, please, samosa" was one of his few talking points— and Cece still wound up in bed together. The problem here is (aside from Schmidt still evolving more and more into a full-fledged douchebag instead of an amusing one) is that fans are still way too hung up on Nick and Jess to really root for this.
Between the reunion of Schmidt and Cece and the awkward back pedaling (or back moonwalking, more fittingly) and the fact that poor Winston, despite getting his mojo back, was still reduced to a crappy side plot where he was getting hit on by a horny older lady. Yeah, I'd say things are back to normal alright, but dammit, I still wanted to be in the honeymoon phase just a little bit longer.
Here are some of the best moments and lines from the amusing, if not slightly disappointing and also slightly racially insensitive (why do they keep doing that?) episode of New Girl, "Table 34":
- Nick breaking things that one shouldn't even be able to break, like a scarf while it's being knitted.
- Schmidt being described as both "the fortune teller in Big" and "a character from The Love Guru."
- Nick getting punched in the nuts by Winston. Childish? Perhaps. Jake Johnson's reaction? Damn funny.
- Schmidt's romantic declaration to Cece: "I'm a squirrel, you're my nut. Winter's coming, I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl."
- Nick's flirty, accusatory twirly finger thing.
- "It was like a damn fairytale, that kiss." True story, Nick Miller.
- Nick's "catnip" are pink robes. ("You can't go tarting around in that soft pink robe not expecting to be kissed!")
- "Oh my God, he's in such terrible shape, you could have killed him!" - Jess to Sam, after he knocked Nick to the floor.
- Schmidt thanking the people of India for "Kal Penn, he's a genius."
- The inevitable Schmidt-dropping-the-mic gif.
- Schmidt getting Cece to go "home with a Jew in a turban" even though she claims she's still going to be marry an Indian guy. Bonus sexy fun: a seductive magic carpet ride dance.
[Photo credit: Ray Mickshaw/Fox]
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What a difference a week makes. Last week's episode of Girls was a balls-to-the-wall, t**s-out (literally), drug-fueled comedic knockout. This week's episode, on the other hand, titled "It's A Shame About Ray" packed two of the show's biggest emotional wallops yet. And I don't just mean the departure of Andrew Rannells' Elijah.
Yes, it's true, Elijah is gone. For now. After he revealed that he slept with (or pumped with, really) Marnie, Hannah understandably kicked him out. But not before the two former lovers/friends/roommates got in some final, deliciously funny barbs at each other, which ended in Elijah saying he wouldn't pay his final month of rent because, "I basically paid for all your burritos junior year." (Not only did Hannah and Elijah fights always feel real to me, but Lena Dunham and Rannells sold every minute of it.) As sad as I would be to never see the tremendous Rannells or his semi-tragic character again, there would be something infinitely hilarious about his parting words being: "Butt. Plug."
Later, Hannah threw a dinner party to celebrate her first story on JazzHate going up, inviting Shoshanna, Ray, Charlie, terrible pixie person Audrey, and — out of "courtesy" — Marnie. Now, I have never completely been on the "Hannah is horrible, I hate Hannah" train of Girls fandom. While I can understand finding a lot of her qualities repulsive (they are), I always sympathized with Hannah. Anybody who has been in a dysfunctional relationship like hers with Adam no doubt does. But at her dinner party, I finally started to get it: Hannah is too childish. Why invite Marnie at all? To start trouble? To publicly humiliate her in front of her friends and ex? Hannah may be an "adult" for cooking, but a real adult would have never invited Marnie in the first place. You sever the ties, not dangle them around for added drama.
But, I digress. The dinner went on as awkward as one would imagine. Marnie and Audrey traded passive aggressive glances (Marnie rolled her eyes at Aubrey's entrepreneural endeavor as a mustard maker) and statements (Audrey belittled Marnie's job as a hostess, Marnie asked her where she got her headbands) until it just became downright aggressive. After Hannah threw Marnie under the bus for showing up at the party despite the fact that she was invited, Audrey called her a "f**ing Stepford psycho" for also showing up (definitely uninvited) to Charlie's door one night.
When Hannah left the decision up to Charlie of who should stay or leave the party, Marnie wisely took it upon herself to leave. To make matters even more cringe-inducing, Charlie took off after Marnie where they had a heart-to-heart on the roof gone so god awful awry, in only the way that exes who still love each other but can't help but hurt each other can. After Charlie kisses Marnie she tells him she's dating Booth (which, after his "performance" last week, can't possibly be true) and he assures her she'll never have him sexually, or any other way again, which can't possibly be true. While I could certainly empathize with Marnie's complaint that "I don't know what the next week of my life is gonna be like, I don't even know what I want" (what twenty-something couldn't?) I still wish I cared more about the outcome of these two attractive, but rather boring lost souls.
Shoshanna and Ray, on the other hand, had a much more productive and sweet outcome of their fight. After showing up late to the party (they had sex!) it dawned on Shoshanna that Ray has been sneakily living with her. After losing his place that he'd been sharing with his Godmother, Ray said he'd been bouncing around, but Shosh is no fool and did the math. He'd been with her for weeks on end.
Later, in the depths of the New York City subway system, a disgraced Ray tells Shoshanna he's been "counting down the days" until she discovered that he was a loser, that he was unworthy of her and all of her beauty and young wisdom. I've never been the biggest fan of Ray, he reminded me too much of every hipster jerk I've met at a party who gives you a condescending, mean-spirited remark to a sincere question, but I admit my opinion and image of Ray changed completely here. Ray revealing his most prized possession is a signed Andy Kaufman picture and he's living part-time in a car, told me everything I've ever needed to know about him. He's condescending and mean-spirited because he's terrified someone's going to figure out him. Of course, that's even more terrifying when you fall in love.
When Shoshanna (the absolutely delightful Zosia Mamet), in all her sincerity and surprising bravery tells a downtrodden Ray that he's worth caring about and dating because she is falling in love with him. Ray, slumps over, telling her it's a crazy thing to say and too early in their relationship, only to follow up with telling her, simply, "I love you so f**king much." There isn't much that makes your heart swell with joy on Girls, so this was a pleasant surprise, to say the least.
As expected, from the minute they wed in the Season 1 finale, Jessa and Thomas John did not endure the same fate after spilling their guts to each other. In fact, it's nothing short of shocking that actual guts weren't spilled during their long-overdue blowup. Jessa finally met Thomas John's very straight-laced parents (and if that doesn't tell you everything about their marriage, that she didn't even know her husband's mother and father, nothing will) for a doomed-from-the-start dinner.
Jessa was completely herself, telling tales of heroin addiction, unemployment, making wild statements about religion ("I wish there was a Lord, but I know there isn't!"), and being a college dropout (Thomas John found out, for the first time, that his bride only attended Oberlin College for seven months, while she discovered he once dates someone named Fern), much to the horror of Thomas John — who said "this is why we didn't invite you to the wedding" — and Thomas John's mother who implied Jessa found a free ride in her son. Thomas John's father, on the other hand, was too enamored with Jessa to have any negative feelings towards her.
By the time they got back to their absurdly expensive high-rise apartment in Brooklyn (which Jessa had apparently once hilariously referred to as "the set of gay Entourage") they were having a full-fledged, no-turning-back fight. He said terrible things he'd been holding in ("[You're] a f**king dumb hipster who's munching my hay"), she said terrible things she'd been holding in ("You're just some scared guy who didn't get laid until they were 16. No one liked you in high school and no one likes you now.") They both cut each other to the core, Thomas John pointing out how reckless Jessa is with other people's lives, and Jessa calling out what an utterly ridiculous person he is. It was an expected brawl, but an ugly one nonetheless and Chris O'Dowd (who, like Andrew Rannells, sadly likely won't appear on Girls for quite some time, if at all) and Jemima Kirke completely went for.
But it all went to hell when Thomas John, who wondered out loud what he was going to do and told her she was "the worst mistake I've ever made," called her a "whore with no work ethic." This coming from the guy who, only moments later, said he likes hookers because they "respect" him. After Jessa landed a mean punch and broke his award, she still accepted his money to "go away." I so wish she hadn't, even if he had made her do stuff she didn't want to do in the bedroom. That money is tainted. At the very least, maybe she'll start over with it. Plus, that money probably would have gone to something, or someone, truly despicable anyway.
A destroyed Jessa, who only a few months ago wondered out loud with the father of the children she babysits when she was going to stop toying with men, found herself at Hannah's apartment, where she found Hannah in the tub singing Oasis. Now, I have no doubt that this final scene will be a polarizing one. Rather than wait until Hannah gets out, Jessa gets in. Out of character for these two? Not especially. Out of character for most women who watch the show to get in a tub with your friend no matter how close or comfortable you are with them? More than likely. Still, it worked, if only for the symbolism of it all.
In the bath, Jessa begins to cry. A jerking, terrible, shamed cry. Hannah doesn't ask her what's wrong, she already knows. Anyone who went to that wedding knew. While Kirke's sob was Emmy-worthy in and of itself, Dunham's unspoken knowledge and sadness for her friend was her best moment since her confrontation with Adam in his doorway. In these moment's there's nothing to say, only hold their hand and let them cry it out. Unless, of course, they do something disgusting like blow a snot rocket in your tub, in which case you can totally kill the moment to tell them just how disgusting they are. That's what friends are for. (Maybe I can't stay mad at Hannah for long, after all.)
I've watched this episode twice now, and loved it much more on the second go-round. Maybe I was just high (get it?) off last week's full-on comedy episode to truly appreciate how much weight there was to this episode, which took the focus away on Hannah (in a Dunham-penned episode, no less) and made Shoshanna and Jessa — who are both now at major, incredibly fascinating crossroads worth tuning in for alone — the characters we've been waiting to get reacquainted with. Welcome back, ladies, you have been missed.
Some other key moments and lines from the latest episode of Girls, "It's A Shame About Ray":
- Elijah's disgust and confusion that Hannah used to order spinach, guac, and pecans on her burritos.
- Hannah's disgust and confusion as to why Elijah wouldn't want to "liven up your meal."
- Jessa picking out her "good" boob.
- Shoshanna, upon seeing Hannah's Elijah-free apartment, telling her, "I think the best years of your life are totally gonna happen here." God, I wish I had her optimism, don't you?
- "That's the principle behind not raping people." - Hannah, after Marnie brought up unwanted sex acts.
- "He's a brilliant artist and he's average height!"- Marnie's defense of Booth.
- "I have 3 or 4 really great folk albums in me"- Hannah's out-of-nowhere declaration.
- Hannah, holding a bundt cake, finding time for a pun as Charlie freaked out about his Marnie and Aubrey dilemma: "Nothing bundt trouble?"
- The helpful reminder that "Wonderwall" by Oasis is just a damn great song.
[Photo credit: HBO]
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Trust me, you're gonna want to talk about "The Lawless," the last episode of Star Wars: The Clone Wars' Season 5 to feature Darth Maul and his apprentice Savage Opress. In fact, Lucasfilm and Hollywood.com knew you would have so much to say, that we've set up a live chat on Google Hangouts Saturday at 1:30 p.m. ET/10:30 a.m. PT with actors Sam Witwer (Maul), Matt Lanter (Anakin), Ashley Eckstein (Ahsoka), and supervising director Dave Filoni, to discuss the episode's unbelievable revelations.
Tomorrow you yourself will have a chance to ask a question you've been dying to have answered. Today, though, we've pre-gamed the chat with an in-depth interview with Witwer, who's majorly creeped out — and entertained — everyone in our galaxy and that Galaxy Far, Far Away with his virtuoso vocal performance as Maul.
He takes us through the two episodes we've already seen, "Eminence" and "Shades of Reason," talks about that little matter with Jon Favreau's Pre Vizsla that happened last week, and teases arc-capper, "The Lawless," in which Maul has a Sith reunion with his old master, Darth Sidious. He also sheds hints about Maul's ultimate fate and long-term impact on the show. Warning: There be epicness ahead.
Hollywood.com: Let's start with the first episode of the Maul/Mandalorian arc, "Eminence." It’s also possibly the first Clone Wars episode ever to be seen entirely through the perspective of the villains.
Sam Witwer: Yes, indeed. I loved that aspect of it, and it was a strangely challenging episode to do because it was so talky. It’s the first episode with Maul that’s just a character episode, just a bunch of guys talking to each other. So if those guys aren’t interesting, we lose.
HW: With what we now know from the follow-up, "Shades of Reason," it's pretty much a given that Maul and Pre Vizsla were playing each other the whole time, right?
SW: Oh, from the beginning for sure. Look at Pre Vizsla’s face when Maul starts choking Katee Sackhoff’s character Bo Katan. He has this look on his face like he was hoping something like this would happen. And when Maul leaves the room, Vizsla and Katan exchange a look like, “Yeah, this is our guy.” The way I read that is that they’re realizing that if they want to retake Mandalore they have to have the Force on their side, because Satine is supported by her old boyfriend, Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi. So how the hell do they counter that?
HW: By the end of "Eminence," however, the Mandalorians already seem ready to get rid of Maul.
SW: Well, the fact that Maul started out as a little bit of a team player and as time went on he became more arrogant and really ended up showing his cards as far as the disrespect he has, or the lack of respect, he has for the Mandalorians, that was a fun thing to see. When you look at the early conversations between Vizsla and Maul, there was a mutual respect there and it takes no time for that to become simmering animosity beneath the surface.
HW: It's hard to believe that when "The Lawless" airs, wrapping up this arc, it'll only be the fifth episode in which we've seen Maul. What do you make of his transformation so far?
SW: Dave and I from the very beginning talked about this storyline way back when we were doing the "Maul in a cave" episodes.
We knew how he would evolve, and it would require Maul to be different every time you saw him, to be evolving all the time. From madness, to gaining some of his humanity back but really being full of rage, to simmering down on that a bit, to now evolving to this strategic and diplomatic place.
So when we first aired the insane Maul stuff some people loved it, but others said, “Hey, that’s not Darth Maul!” To which I can now say to them, “Hey, it’s not good storytelling if we just give you Darth Maul right away, if we don’t deal with the consequences of him being cut in half and left behind.” There’s gotta be a major cost involved. So when people made those comments, what we wanted to say was, “Hey guys, give it a chance. You don’t judge a movie by the first five minutes.”
Now he’s resembling the Darth Maul we know from The Phantom Menace. He cuts down Pre Vizsla as ruthlessly as he does Qui-Gon Jinn. And yet there’s even so much more to him now. We know now that there is this madness underneath. We know he has this incredible mind that no one has previously seen. We’re into the good part of the story now.
HW: In "Eminence" and "Shades of Reason" we saw a degree of leadership in Maul that we never got to glimpse in Phantom Menace.
SW: On The Clone Wars, we had to show that Maul was capable of being a general. Darth Sidious chose him to be his apprentice and trained him well. Maul wasn’t just a mindless hitman. And this was the version of the character that I’d been waiting to do for a long time.
I mean, it started with Filoni telling me he needed Maul to be like Gollum, and when I read the script I said we’ve also got a little Apocalypse Now here. He’s also Col. Kurtz. Dave agreed. So Maul became the combination of Gollum and Col. Kurtz, with a little bit of Peter Serafinowicz as Maul from Phantom Menace. Now, though, we've seen a change.
NEXT: How Darth Maul has become an intellectual character. And also, how he may have inspired Darth Sidious to keep in faith in Vader even after that little swan-dive into a volcano.HW: Now we get to see that Maul's actually an intellectual character. He's not just a blunt instrument, an assassin, like it seemed in the movie.
SW: He had to be. The Sith as a culture realized, "Hey, we’re all bad guys, we don’t work well together, so let’s keep it to two. Otherwise we’ll be killing each other left and right." So if you follow the Rule of Two, you have to pick your apprentice very carefully.
You don’t just pick a guy because he can do cool flips and swing a sword good. You choose a guy who is brilliant and gifted in so many ways, physically and mentally, and can carry on the Sith tradition proudly. A thuggish hitman would be a hindrance when trying to take over the galaxy. You need someone who can work with you and to whom you can pass the baton when the time comes.
And that’s a theme in the Star Wars saga as a whole. It’s so very much about Sidious trying to find that successor. He thinks he’s found that person in Darth Maul, but then Maul is cut down. And then he thinks, “Well, I’ll pick a guy who’s already trained really well,” but it doesn’t work out with Count Dooku because he quickly has his eye on this Anakin Skywalker guy.
But sadly Darth Vader never becomes as good as he could have been because he’s disabled. And finally he sets his sights on Luke Skywalker, and that’s the guy who does him in.
HW: It’s a continual streak of disappointment for Darth Sidious, in a way.
SW: Well, it’s professionalism, man! There are things he could do to assist these people and help them along, but that’s not really the Sith way. Palpatine is looking for someone who could ideally defeat him and take the Sith mantle from him, and he does find that guy. The only thing is that guy has no interest in becoming a Sith. And that’s Luke Skywalker.
So, it’s the perfectionist streak that Palpatine has. And what’s really fun to note is that Darth Maul, having survived his grievous injuries, plants the seed in Palpatine’s head that maybe you don’t give up on these guys so quickly. If they’re dead, or you think they’ve been killed, maybe they’re not. Maybe they can survive, maybe they can amount to something. That’s something we get to see coming up, Sidious realizing that. That ultimately leads to Darth Vader.
HW: Yeah, I mean why did Palpatine still think Vader could be a worthwhile apprentice after his little brush with molten lava?
SW: Common wisdom would be, you find this guy lying by a volcano, his flesh smoking and burned up, with no limbs, and you’d say, “Hey stormtrooper, put a blaster bolt in this guy. Put him out of his misery.” You don’t rebuild that guy. That’s ridiculous. Unless maybe you’ve already seen a guy getting cut in half and crawling through garbage for ten years, clinging to life with every ounce of determination he has. That’s the nature of the Sith, they don’t see anything beyond their corporeal existence.
They live completely in the moment, but in the most unhealthy way. They’re self-obsessed, selfish, narcissistic, so much so that they can’t see that there’s any significance beyond their own lives. That’s not like a Jedi who’s wounded in battle but realizes that his death could mean something or inspire others, and thus can let go. If a Sith lies near death, they look at it like, “I can’t! I can’t! There’s still so much to gain. There’s still so much I want. Because if I die I lose everything.” So they continue to push themselves well past the point of logic.
You have Darth Vader, who lives a terrible life, he lives a pathetic, tortured existence but it’s still preferable to having nothing, which is how he views death. Same thing with Darth Sidious, you look at him in Return of the Jedi. He’s over 100 years old and is a bent old man. But that’s better than the alternative, which is nothing. I mean, the fact that we’re learning more about the core morality of Star Wars is really fun. We’re learning things from The Clone Wars that informs how we even watch the original movies from over thirty years ago.
HW: So, in "The Lawless" Darth Maul is going to have a little Sith reunion with Darth Sidious. How do you think he views his old master these days?
SW: When you’re a liar, a person of low moral fortitude, really any explanation you need to be true can be true. Especially if you’re smart enough. You can figure out a way to justify anything. Part of Maul thinks, “Yes, I would like to reclaim my spot as the apprentice and I want to prove why I deserve that.” And then there’s another side that’s like, “Screw Palpatine. I’m the master now. Savage is the apprentice, and I’m going to show him how it’s done, and if he has a problem with that, I’m going to take him out.”
The Sith training is nothing short of torture, so there’s always a great deal of hatred built-in to the master-apprentice relationship, an intense animosity. We see that between Vader and the Emperor in the original trilogy. So he may want both things, depending on what he needs to desire at any given point.
HW: Is there a developing rivalry between Maul and Savage? Maul doesn't quite treat his brother like a brother.
SW: Maul keeps calling Savage “apprentice,” and will never call him "brother," absolutely. But they do need each other, and there’s an element of, "Together we’ll talk on all of them!" And I love that they threw in a moment of them being comrades when Maul tells Savage how he’s going to screw over the Mandalorians, and even rests his hand on Savage’s new robot hand. The Sith are dicks. What can I tell you man, they’re trouble. They don’t have the "working together" thing down, but they do know how to have people work for them.
HW: I realize you probably know Maul's ultimate fate on the show. But what would you, as the person who's given vocal life to Maul, like to see his fate be? What do you want for him?
SW: (laughs) Oh, boy. What can I tell you? What would I like to see happen to Maul? Yeah...I can say this. What I’d like to see happen to Maul is what Dave Filoni has told me is what happens to Maul. None of this is taken lightly at Lucasfilm. This is George Lucas’ doing, all of this stuff. He’s the one engineering these stories that me, Dave, the other voice actors, and the animators are implementing.
So there is a long game here. Look, the effect of Darth Maul on the show is a pronounced one. Maybe he dies after these episodes. Maybe he doesn’t. But either way, his effect on the show will be a lasting one. That’s all I’m gonna say.
Follow Christian Blauvelt on Twitter @Ctblauvelt
[Photo Credit: Lucasfilm]
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So far this season there have been two weddings and no funerals, even though Lady Edith's heart is dead. Oh, how could this happen to our Edith (OK, the rest of you hate Edith, but she is my favorite and I love her)? How could it indeed. Sir Anthony left her at the altar and she went home and had to throw her veil over the railing and lock herself in her room for several days and starve herself to death. Oh Edith.
But at least Our (My) Edith had something to do and got all sorts of attention — that was one of the things I loved, but there were also plenty of things I hated. Let's look at all of each, shall we?
LOVE
Everyone Is Being Nice to Edith: Last week Cora told Mary, "Never mind Edith." That's been the entire ethos of the show, no one ever minds Edith! Yes, usually she's as superfluous as that blond bitch saying, "Hi! I'm Laura Linney and this is Masterpiece!" at the top of the show. I totally felt Edith's excitement at the beginning of the episode that "something is happening in this house that is actually about me." After defending her for seasons, saying she's not awful she's just misunderstood because everyone ignores her, it was nice to see everyone finally pay attention to her. Even Lady Mary admitted that she could be a giant bitch but that she really loved her. Awwww. All it took was for her to marry an inappropriate man for everyone to pay attention. You know they were all just happy that they could forget about her once she moved out of the house.
Downton Place: The home that they are going to be exiled to for being poor is quite nice. Of course Sybil, who lives in some Dublin slum under a smoke stack and washes her dishes in the neighbor's bathwater, thinks it's a total paradise. I would live there in a second and the thought of Violet opening a little shop is darling, just darling. She would probably scare all the customers away though. Oh, the best part of the whole outing was when Sir Anthony described Lady Edith as a "speed fiend." I had this image of her running around her house cleaning and grinding her teeth and doing rails of Dexadrine.
Tom Is Dressing Better: Thankfully that Irish revolutionary has given up his grimy tweed for the evening coats that we really want to see.
Isabel's Old Hookers Are Mean to Her: Of course stupid bourgeoise do-gooder Isabel is trying to save a room full of old hookers by teaching them to sew. The best part is that they hate her as much as I do and they make fun of her right to her face. This whole business with Ethyl though is getting really drawn out and annoying. Just tell us what happened already!
Cora's Offer: When Cora told Mrs. Hughes that she would take care of her and nurse her back to health it brought a little tear to my eye. Thankfully there will be someone to do Mrs. Hughes' rather intricate braid around her gourd while she suffers through the later stages of breast cancer.
That Mrs. Hughes Is in Love with Carson: It was also cute when she saw how happy Carson was that she doesn't have cancer and is going to be just fine. However, we don't know that. We never heard what the doctor said and I think Mrs. Hughes is totally lying to everyone and that she is going to get really sick and we're finally going to see what she looks like when her braid falls off and it's going to be a mess. An absolute mess.
Joint Masters: Yay, Matthew and Lord Grantham are both going to be in charge of Downton Abbey now. Hurray! That's....well....that's....Oh man, this is going to be awful. They're going to be fighting and squabbling in no time and the Lord is going to be all, "This is my house!" and Matthew is going to be all, "My money saved it!" and Mary is going to be all "Pout Face!" and Cora's gonna be all, "American accent!" and it's just going to be completely stupid.
Violet's Quote of the Week: "No bride wants to look tired on her wedding day. It either means she's anxious or up to no good."
HATE
Sir Anthony Strallan: I mean, what kind of asshole leaves a woman at the altar? And to give his big speech in front of everyone so that Edith would be absolutely mortified? That's about as classy as a fart at a debutante ball. Couldn't he have done this before the ceremony? Couldn't he have taken her outside? He showed nothing but love for her and seemed so excited to be marrying her — and to then go all deus ex machina and jilt her in the church? Mean. Couldn't he have just died and left Edith his fortune? That would have been really nice of him.
Everything About the Letter: Ugh the stupid letter that Matthew got from dead Squire Squire was the stupidest plot device involving a letter since Snooki and JWOWW left an anonymous letter for Sammi in Season 2 of Jersey Shore (a plot device which was inspired by a bad episode of Charles in Charge). This letter was so freaking dumb. First of all, Matthew isn't gonna answer the letter? Seriously? Some guy dies mysteriously and you're not even curious as to what he had to say? Wouldn't you rather know and deal with it than just have that closed letter sitting in a drawer nagging at you all the time. And then, Mary steals the letter and reads it, but we don't even get one shot of her going into his coat, taking out the letter, reading it, and then going, "Oh my gosh!" How dramatic would that have been? We all would have been like, "Damn, Mary stole the letter! Oh, damn, what did she read?" But no, we hear about the letter. Mary just says, "Oh, I stole the letter and here is what is says." Why should we trust her? We don't know she took it or what she said, we get one second of her saying, "I saw the letter," and it registers no emotion whatsoever rather than disbelief. Is that good story telling? And then finally, Daisy, stupid annoying hair clot Daisy, posted a letter from Lavinia to her father that says Matthew is a saint, and this happened years ago and Daisy never told anyone. Of course she needs to be the one who got the letter because everyone knows that Daisy's only personality trait is incompetence. God, she is just the absolute worst.
Carson Going Behind Mrs. Hughes Back: That's just not nice. Well, it's nice, but nice in the wrong way. Carson would be so pissed if they did this to him.
Thomas and O'Brien: Remember when these two were the Boris and Natasha of the house, just helping each other put round bombs with lit fuses in Lord Grantham's study and tying Lady Mary to the train tracks while they cackled and twisted their mustaches (I bet O'Brien could grow one if she tried)? Now they're not even friends or allies anymore. Not since Alfred (who we're going to find out is O'Brien's son that her sister raised) showed up. And I can't believe no one figured out that Thomas is the one who set up O'Brien when everyone thought she was leaving. It's just obvious. If your coke disappeared while staying at the Chateau Marmont, they'd go looking for it in Lindsay Lohan's room, wouldn't they?
That Edith Looks Ugly: When Edith was stood up she ran home, ripped her veil off like it was a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe, and left her leafy tiara laying on the ground. (I love how at the beginning of the episode you see them rolling up the carpet and the maid stepping over it, and then you see them unrolling it and the maid stepping over it again, like it was just the same shot in reverse because they were too cheap to film it twice). Edith was all stray hair and leaking orifices and horrible choked chortles. Awful. They would never, not in her deepest despair, let Lady Mary look ugly for even one second. But Edith? She gets broken up with and turns into Ursula the Sea Witch.
The Sad Dead Lobster Fountain: When the staff got to eat all the wedding food the one thing I never would have touched was the silver urn with limp dead lobsters spilling out of it. They just looked so sad and lifeless and not appealing at all, like they were using their exoskeletons to stop up some sort of chocolate fountain of loveliness. But they eat it up downstairs, don't they. They eat up every damn drop.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Masterpiece]
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Does Megan Fox own the title for the shortest Twitter lifespan? She joined the social media site on Jan. 3, tweeting, "I'm incredibly late to the party but I'm here nonetheless, so what now?" Apparently she never got a suitable answer to her question, because after a mere 13 tweets, @MeganFox is closing up shop.
Fox posted on Facebook (because when quitting one social media site, you use another!), "Some of you may, or may not have noticed by now that my Twitter account has been shut down... I thought that 2013 might be the year that I finally blossomed into a social networking butterfly... but as it turns out I still hate it. Love you guys but I will just never be that girl. Facebook is as much as I can handle. #I'm Sorry." Guess she never quite understood how to hashtag correctly, either?
Fox's Twitter breakup isn't that surprising. It seems like she never quite got into a tweeting groove. Her last tweet on Jan. 9 foreshadowed her shutdown of her account. "5 days on Twitter and I have yet to discern it's purpose. #WhatIsThePoint ???" she wrote. Even with 260K followers, she couldn't make it work.
From her first tweet to her last tweet, Fox was only on Twitter for a mere six days. While she may hold the title for the shortest Twitter lifespan, she's not the only celebrity to shut down her account (but she might be the only one who stays off for good!).
- John Mayer famously shut down his Twitter after getting a lot of heat for speaking publicly about his exes, though he claimed his purpose was more of the professional variety, saying he shut it down to "return to the studio."
- Mulit-hyphenate Renaissance man James Franco spent a few weeks tweeting before hosting the Oscars, but a Twitter feud with Bruce Vilanch prompted him to quit.
- Miley Cyrus deleted her Twitter, offering up this video as an explanation to her fans. Because, you know, that's the same.
- While Twitter mainstay Ashton Kutcher didn't exactly quit Twitter, it could be seen that way. He relinquished control of his account to his management team after a controversy involving an ill-timed tweet or two (first proclaiming the 10th anniversary of Sept. 11 to be "the greatest day of the year" because of the return of Sunday Night Football, and then condemning the firing of Joe Paterno before knowing the reasons behind it).
- Little Britain star Matt Lucas quit Twitter after a teenager tweeted a joke about the death of his former partner Kevin McGee, who hanged himself in 2009.
- Chris Brown, after getting into a Twitter feud with comedian Jenny Johnson, deleted his account, but couldn't stay away: he rejoined the next morning.
- But Amanda Bynes is perhaps the most fickle — and most random — tweeter ever. She has threatened to quit both Twitter and acting multiple times. Her Twitter breakup did not stick, but her return to acting still remains to be seen...
[Photo Credit: WENN]
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In the wake of the Newtown school shooting, we’ve witnessed the entertainment industry’s immense capacity for silence in the name of sensitivity. Between premieres and red carpets canceled as a measure of respect, violent trailers altered or removed, disclaimers placed before wildly violent content, some TV episodes and even series removed altogether, and even songs being removed from radio waves, Hollywood is on its toes to make sure its audiences aren’t offended by content. And in most of those cases, those that involve brutal and extreme violence, the removal or warning is practically a no-brainer. But in some cases, when the intent is clearly something other than violence — one instance includes the partial banning of Ke$ha's "Die Young" despite the fact that song is about partying and has nothing to do with violence of any kind — the line starts to blur between content that should be banned and content that is being targeted simply because we, as a nation, are so very sensitive at this moment in time. The latest subject in question is a strange one: a scene from Judd Apatow’s new comedy This Is 40.
The scene brought into question by a few publications involves Pete’s (Paul Rudd) dad Larry (Albert Brooks) making a joke about being too poor to support his three children. As such, he and his kids play a “murder game,” to decrease the family's expenses. But unlike the violent scenes in trailers like that of Jack Reacher, which had a sniper scene removed from it out of sensitivity, and that of Dead Man Down, which was temporarily removed from the internet due to its violent nature, this joke doesn’t really seem to fit the bill. And so far, Universal has shown no signs of plans to remove the joke from the film.
Brooks’ scene sounds somewhat awful when recited out of context and with mere words, rather than as a scene within the film. When Pete can’t offer the financial help Larry seeks, Larry makes a joke that maybe if he killed one of the kids, he could afford to support his family. As he’s having a conversation with Pete, he sprays his kids in the yard with a hose, and jokingly asks the kids to “line up for murder.” The kids, clearly wanting to be sprayed with water on a hot Los Angeles day, play along asking their father to “shoot” them with water. They all fall down giggling, giddy at the chance to get to play water games in the backyard. It’s not hard to spell out why some people might make an upsetting connection between this text description and the events in Connecticut last week. But should we make that connection?
In response to criticism of the scene, Apatow tells TMZ, the joke “is spoken by a sarcastic father kidding with his children. In light of recent events, I understand if some people might make an unfortunate association or put it in a context in which it was not intended.” And that’s exactly what the scene is: a father being sarcastic. There was no malicious intent in writing and shooting the scene — it was simply meant to be a joke. Seeing the scene a week before the tragedy in Newtown, it was easy to be unfazed. It has simply delivered the comedy writing standby: hyperbole for comedic effect. But with the knowledge of tragedy, does the joke somehow change? Does a harmless rib suddenly become harmful even when its intent was anything but? It's only after something terrible happens that we decide a bit of comedy is no longer funny, that it's "too soon" to joke. But if the scene was offensive and unfunny, we should also have taken offense to countless other taboo jokes in film and television, before we were slapped in the face by tragedy.
If Brooks' scene from This Is 40 is to raise a question, it's not, for once, the "too soon?" question. Instead, perhaps we should be asking whether we've become too desensitized to watching violence in comedy. But that leads to a larger question: Should anything change, or is offensive material essential to the genre? After all, comedy, in all its forms, almost always involves offending someone. That's not to say comedians have carte blanche to be as offensive as they like – just look at the Daniel Tosh rape joke heard ‘round the Internet. But we've become accustomed to accepting something potentially offensive as long as it makes us laugh. In his 2011 comedy special, John Cleese Live! The Alimony Tour, respected British comedian John Cleese tries to explain why it is that offensive comedy so often lines up with some of the funniest comedy: When you get into taboo areas, that is areas like dead bodies or limbs coming off or anything sexual, there’s always a bit of anxiety because it is taboo, you see. But for some people, just a few, there’s a lot of anxiety. So when the subject is raised, they sort of freeze up and they feel very uncomfortable and they hate it and they hate the fact that people around them are laughing so much and they say, "I’ve been offended." However, most people just have a little bit of anxiety, so what happens is that if you make them laugh, you get an even bigger laugh than you do normally, because you get the normal laugh and then you get the extra energy that comes from that little bit of anxiety being liberated. You get huge laughs when you deal with taboo subjects and that’s one reason why my humor has a pretty black quality to it some of the time.Similarly, in the wake of the Tosh rape joke controversy, comedian’s comedian Louis C.K. said during an interview on The Daily Show that while he didn't support Tosh's jab, “For me, any joke about anything bad is great, that’s how I feel.” He went on to emphasize that he’d educated himself on what rape means to women and how it “polices their lives,” concluding that “I can still enjoy a good rape joke” – a line greeted with the Daily Show audience's tentative, yet bombastic, laughter, similar to the outburst Cleese describes. Still, as Cleese says, some people can't enjoy a taboo joke. They're not for everyone. And that’s both the beauty and the bane of comedy: It’s absolutely subjective. In Apatow’s films alone, there are innumerable pegs for potential offense, most of which went onto the big screen unscathed by any complaint. In Knocked Up – the film that inspired This Is 40 – Seth Rogen’s character Ben reacts with a ridiculously violent retort in a moment of parental dress similar to Brooks', and I can still recall how hard the audience in the Southern California theater where I saw the flick laughed at Ben’s papa bear bravado. When Alison’s (Katherine Heigl) doctor is not available to bring their child into the world as Alison goes into labor, Papa Ben springs into verbal action while leaving a voicemail for the missing doc: Hey, Doc Howard. Ben Stone calling. Guess what the f**k's up? Allison is going into labor, and you are not f**king here. You know where you're at? You’re at a f**king Bar Mitzvah in San Francisco, you motherf**king piece of s**t. And you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you. I'm gonna pop a f**king cap in your ass. You're dead. You're Tupac. You are f**king Biggie, you piece of s**t. I hope you f**king die, or drop the chair and kill that f**king kid... I hope your plane crashes. Peace, f**ker!That quote, meant to emphasize just how dedicated the former slacker Ben is to making his girlfriend and their child’s life as perfect as it can possibly be when the man they trusted leaves them high and dry (or with a strange new doctor they don’t trust with the birth of their child) runs the gamut of offensive material. It enters territories from gang violence, to the death of an innocent kid at the Bar Mitzvah, to the horror of a plane crash – Ben invokes it all, and yet this line was read as funny, and even touching, within the context of the film. And while, subjectively, those of us still reeling from the tragic events in Newtown may take great offense to the The Is 40 joke. Its intent isn't malicious, nor was it particularly violent when shown in context. That’s not to say that any feelings of offense derived from the scene are invalid or inappropriate, but rather that comedic writers often cross lines, and, in doing so, find pockets of hilarity. That’s how the art of comedy works. But unlike scenes in which a gunman or gunmen with angry, violent intent take innocent lives – like the opening sniper scene cut from the Jack Reacher trailer or even the Foster the People song pulled from the radio that includes lyrics like “All the other kids with their pumped up kicks/Better run, better run, faster than my bullet” – the bit in This Is 40 could occur at any time other than in the face of this tragedy, and be passed off by most viewers as a strange, quirky couple of lines making use of comedic exaggeration. But even with that context, it’s up to viewers to decide whether or not this joke is deeply disturbing or simply a quip with an unfortunate possible connection. Yes, the timing is bad, but does that mean the joke is too? Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler [Photo Credit: Universal Pictures] More: 'This Is 40': Judd Apatow on Staying Relevant and P.T. Anderson's Love of 'Heavyweights' Death By Éclair: How Paul Rudd Almost Killed Leslie Mann on ‘This is 40’ Sandy Hook: Will Hollywood Limit Violence in TV and Movies Following Tragedy? From Our Partners: ’A Few Good Men’: Where Are They Now? (Moviefone) Best Mother and Son Movies: ‘Forrest Gump’ and More! (Moviefone)

Sean Penn
, Oscar-winning actor and all-around charmer recently gave Esquire some quotes that most entertainment journalists could only dream of. On this, Golden Globe nomination day, it's been making the rounds that the actor/activist told the magazine he thinks "in general the standard of aspiration is low" in Hollywood. He added, "And mostly they're just doing a bunch of monkey-f**k-rat movies, most actors and actresses."
The 52-year-old continued, "I blame them just as much as I do the business. I know everybody wants to make some money, everybody's got a modeling contract, everybody's selling jewelry and perfume. I'm blinded by it. Bob Dylan said in an interview one time — somebody asked him, 'Are you really this reclusive?' He says, 'No, I'm not reclusive, man. I'm exclusive. Exclusivity is like intimacy.'"
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"When I was growing up and somebody like Robert De Niro had a movie come out, it was a cultural event. Because he had such a confidence and a single mission that was so intimate. But when people start using themselves as instruments of a kind of consumerist mosh pit, they're helping that take over. I mean, you are a soldier for it or you're a soldier against it. That's all there is to it. And we have so little of that intimacy left, it's no wonder that interpersonal relationships have become text relationships. It's a texting orgy. When is somebody gonna sit there, with their mate or their child, and just look them in the eye and say, 'I love you?' When is that life??"
When, he asks you... when?!
Then there's the part where he reveals he was a "genius" in school and that when it comes to his past relationships, including that with his ex-wife Robin Wright, he has never truly been loved, just "unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly."
Still, Penn didn't completely burn every bridge in Hollywood, despite having a history of doing this sort of thing. I mean, he said he definitely enjoyed working on the delayed drama Gangster Squad and he likes certain actors and actresses in the biz, namely Daniel [Day-Lewis], Philip [Seymour Hoffman], Javier [Bardem], Josh [Brolin] and Jessica Chastain, whom he compares to a "fucking Stradivarius." What a guy. You can read the entire diatribe here.
What are your thoughts on Penn's statements? Is it self-righteous or does he sort of have a point? And is anybody else slightly curious as to what, exactly, a 'monkey-f**k-rat' movie is?
[Photo credit: WENN.com]
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