A Miscarriage Takes The Joy Out of Being Pregnant Again

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The business of babies goes hand in hand with pregnancy and birth. But it also has a side that so many don’t talk about…miscarriage. I live every day in the cloth diaper world. Full of pregnant moms, fluffy bums and lots and lots of babies.

But I also lived in the world of infertility.

I was never diagnosed with any issues. But I tried to get pregnant for almost 3 years. And I finally did last April. I knew even before the positive pregnancy test. I spent 7 full weeks rejoicing in the life I thought was growing inside me.

Because I really don’t feel ready to share all the details…I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready….Even as I write this, I’m not sure I’ll be able to hit publish.

I discovered that the pregnancy was a blighted ovum at a little more than 8 weeks. It happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. I didn’t miscarry until almost 11 weeks.

I live in a world full of women that I could have shared my pain with. But I didn’t really think talking to thousands of people would make me feel better. Our family and closest friends told us it just wasn’t meant to be. God knew there was something wrong and made it so. Nothing really made me me feel better. Just time I suppose.

We began trying to get pregnant again. Each month… nothing. I was peeing on ovulation sticks every single day. Finally, around Christmas I said to myself, “Screw you little sticks! I’m done peeing on you!” And I threw the box way into the cabinet under the bathroom sink.

Mid-January I was eating breakfast and suddenly found myself scrambling for the bathroom. There I was worshiping the porcelain thrown and thinking… could it be?

I had the cheap HCG pee sticks left in that box that I had thrown way into the back of the cabinet. I dug them out and you can imagine my surprise…when I saw TWO LINES!

I struggled with the feelings. Really struggled. A miscarriage takes all the joy out of being pregnant again. I spent every day thinking that the next appointment they would hear no heart beat. At the next ultrasound they would see no movement. I couldn’t enjoy any of it because of the worry I felt in every part of my soul.

Mike and I didn’t tell anyone until almost 12 weeks. First, we told Sophia that she was going to be a big sister. There really wasn’t any fanfare. Not like when I was pregnant with her. We met my parents and brother for dinner that night. Mike and I had talked about telling them. I knew I had to eventually. But the fear left me dreading it.

About half way through dinner, Sophia suddenly told everyone, “I going to be a big sister!”

I was almost as surprised as everyone else at the table.

Now I stand before all of you at almost 22 weeks pregnant, finally ready to allow myself the JOY of being pregnant. And to share that joy with all of you.

I hope and pray that the next 18 or so weeks are uneventful. I dream of the day mid-September when I can announce the arrival of our newest addition. A healthy, beautiful little baby.

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Comments

I love your blog. I’m sorry you had a miscarriage once before. Now you are having a baby this year. Congradulation ! I’m very happy for you. Keep the positive thoughts and don’t stress out. Stress is never good for baby. I will be having you in my thought and pray all goes well. Don’t worry for the next appointment. Let God to its job. Let life come to you. Enjoy these beautiful moments.

My first born was born at 34 weeks. I was in fear with my second being born super early or something wrong to happen. My OB doctor told me not to stress. To enjoy the pregnancy.

Prayers to you and your family for a healthy and uneventful end of your pregnancy!! You are so right… miscarriage takes the fun away and fills you with so much worry!! I miscarried my first pregnancy and my entire 9 months with my son I was a huge basket of nerves!! I actually bought a home doppler so I could find his heartbeat on days where I was especially scared!! It was awful… but seriously worth every single second. I want another so bad but am terrified all at the same time. Sometimes I laugh that the nerves is just practice for those teen years filled with worry lol ;)

Thanks Amber. I agree it is worth every second. <3 A few times I went to buy a home doppler and never pulled the trigger. I think I would have had more comfort if I had one on hand. Live and learn right. lol

Thanks for sharing. I too felt no joy and only fear after having two miscarriages in the year before before having my oldest son. I went on to have complications during my pregnancy and always feared every moment. It was awful I could never relax. I went on to have another pregnancy just 6 months after my oldest was born and had no complications but still constant fear. It never goes away: the pain and fear miscarriage causes. Congrats on your pregnancy, and prayers for w healthy baby for you.

Thank you for sharing this! I lost our little girl four days before due date last year and I’m so scared what a next pregnancy will come with.. I feel ready for trying again but having such a late “inner critical date” is hard. :-( I want to enjoy my next pregnancy full term, not just the last four days..

I’m so sorry for your loss Katrina. I can tell you that it was hard for me. But I believe the payoff will be so worth any emotions that I have to go through. I am wishing and praying for safe healthy pregnancies and babies in the future.

I am completely with you on this topic. I am 22 weeks pregnant also and still to this day I have concerns about going to the doctor. My husband is always telling me not to think those thoughts but it’s much easier said than done. I wake up in the morning worrying if something happened while I was asleep. I am thankful for how far we have made it and pray for a continued healthy pregnancy for the next few months.

Everything you said is so spot on! After our first son we had an early miscarriage and after that we lost triplets at 11wks. Every time anybody said stupid things to me like “God knows what we can handle” or “Maybe it was for the best” I simply wanted to punch them. Only women who had suffered the same heart break knew there were no words and a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” and a hug were the best they could do for me. I will say though that after what felt like a very long and terrifying pregnancy we finally had our second healthy son and I’d do it all again for him. A rainbow baby is a special gift for your soul and in so many ways my miscarriages taught me how important it is not to take a single moment with my kids for granted because every baby is a miracle and the ones we get to meet are the biggest miracles of all. I am so sorry for you loss! I hope your rainbow baby helps your soul heal.

I have had a few miscarriages in my life. All of them were in the first trimester. It is so painful to go through a miscarriage — then the due date rolls around and you have no baby to meet, snuggle, and celebrate. I know people have always meant well when they say things like “It happened for a reason.”, but it sure didn’t alleviate the pain and sadness. May God bless you and protect your new baby.

Thank you for sharing your pain and like you said, it may not seem to bring comfort now, but maybe down the line it will. I don’t think I realized until reading this, that I shared your sentiment. I never had a purposeful ‘bump’ photo taken. Not even any of the million and one cute poses of big sister kissing my belly that I bookmarked and anticipated when I miscarried our second. I avoided talking baby showers so much that the event never even happened. and I don’t think I truly allowed myself to be happy until about a month after my son was born. When he finally started looking like a real baby and not the tiny fragile NICU baby we brought home. Ironic my happiness should return at the one year anniversary of losing their sister. And that’s not to say I was completely depressed or anything, just that every moment is a bated breath. A question on whether the other shoe will drop. The worry never ceases for our children, but some how we manage to distract ourselves in the joy of their growth and innocence. Seeing your belly grow or seeing your baby develop on track helps soothe that anxiety into almost a passing thought. I’ll be praying for you and your family, as I do for all the the families and their angels that accompany my little girl above.

Beautiful and heartfelt. Our baby girl was born sleeping in 2001, at 23 weeks. We struggled to conceive. Negative pregnancy test after test. Finally, I stopped taking them. In 2014, we were thrilled to learn that we were expecting. Our perfect and beautiful miracle rainbow baby is 17 months old now. God is good and I will be praying that you have a wonderful pregnancy. Thanks for sharing.

I completely understand what you went through as I had experience the same thing last year. It was such a shock to learn about the miscarriage, I don’t think I’ve fully grieved the loss. So with our next baby I was super stressed and worried with each appt but luckily everything went well and our baby girl arrived in March. That was when I finally I truly stop worrying.

I know your pain all too well. I lost 3 babies before my son, and I lost another one a year after he was born.

Sending you lots and lots of love and light for the remainder of your pregnancy and the first few months of babyhood. The fears are real, and it’s so very hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been there!

My perfect rainbow baby is turning 2 on Saturday. We are hoping to be able to add to our family, but we have no idea what the universe has in store.

I was in the same boat just a few short months ago. After 3 miscarriages in a row, without an explanation, I was pregnant with my sweet baby girl. During that pregnancy, it was one thing after another. I was told the baby had a high chance of Down Syndrome, abnormal placenta, car accident while on blood thinners, abnormal fluid around the heart and possible hole in her heart. My heart couldn’t bear dealing with another possible loss. I actually put the pregnancy out of my mind until about 30-32 weeks. I feel like I missed most of my pregnancy ignoring it. I didn’t hide it but I didn’t advertise it. I didn’t put it on Facebook at all. I do agree with the other ladies the rainbow baby does soften the pain of the previous loss although on a quiet night I still think about the babies I lost. My baby girl was born healthy just like her older sisters. Enjoy the last half of you pregnancy.

Thank you for sharing this. I am on your path. Three years ttc and I miscarried at week 8 in February. It’s been a rough go of things and due to complications have not been able to try to conceive since. Thank you for showing there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for sharing this. I know that feeling, that fear that keeps you from enjoying precious moments because you are guarding from their possible loss. It’s hard to explain and hard for others to understand. And yet you’ve so eloquently put it into words and shared it with the world. I am so happy for you and your family and hope you continue to grow braver and enjoy the coming milestones. I can’t wait for your announcement of that beautiful baby. It is amazing how much of the pain rainbow babies can take away, just by being. Prayers for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy and delivery, Jennifer.

I am so happy for you. I understand the shock and deep sorrow of a “missed miscarriage.” There are no good answers… I have gone on to have two healthy pregnancies since my loss. I still think of that first sweet baby i never met… but I quickly return to my life here as my almost 3 year old says something awesome and my 10 month old giggles at her sister. After my first full term pregnancy I found it much easier to trust my body. I hope and pray you have an easy and healthy full term pregnancy. God bless you. Andrea