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Webster Green (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 12:24 PM
Response to Reply #33
59. I've had places that wanted to hire me, but my pot use prevented it.
A couple of times, employers wanted me, but their insurance demanded a drug screening of employees. It was just frustrating for both of us. I tell them up front that I smoke like a Rasta and don't plan to stop.

Once time in Florida, a temp company supplying construction workers hired me on as a metal framer, but the guy gave me 5 weeks to clean up for the test, since I told him I smoked a lot of pot. I wanted the job bad, so I chilled on the pot for awhile till I passed the test. The jobs I worked on were huge projects, and a lot of workers got baked during breaks and at lunch. The parking lot smelled like Woodstock at lunchtime.

Yeah. Nothing like hanging steel while stoned. That's not a recipe for disaster or anything.

By far the best post in the thread:

Vinnie From Indy (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 12:25 PM
Response to Original message
61. You could pee on your prospective employers desk
and tell him that if he wants to test your piss to have at it. It is very important that you slam the door on your way out while loudly humming the Battle Hymm of the Republic.

Vinnie From Indy (1000+ posts) Mon May-16-11 01:07 PM
Response to Original message
37. About the fake penis thing
Get the biggest one you can find. 16" to 18" usually works best if someone is watching you while you piss. Simply put the cup on the floor and whip out your gargantuan fake penis and start wizzing. Chance are the witness will be so stunned at seeing such a large penis that they will not think about whether or not it is fake. Maybe put some sort of anti-drug message on the fake penis as well. Every little bit helps. Also, make sure that you have at least a half gallon of piss stored up so at least if you fail the test there will piss all over the place. You could also turn and aim at the witness and start laughing maniacally while peeing all over them. Then make sure you zip up and tell the tester that you are not going to sit there and listen to him bad mouth the United States of America. Slam the door when you leave as well.

In 1999, a New Jersey prison guard was fired for the same reason: a poppy seed bagel he'd had produced a positive drug test. His case was subjected to further examination, and he was reinstated seven months later.

In 1997, a woman in Florida was awarded $859,000 in her lawsuit against Bankers Insurance Group because it had withdrawn a lucrative job offer to her on the basis of her poppy seed-influenced drug screen results.

Yes, but you have to make sure that it isn't a vibrating one, as the noise is a dead giveaway. :D

Originally Posted by djones520

When I first enlisted I was a skinny bastard. I weighed about 10lbs UNDER the minimum weight allowance. That morning before getting leaving the hotel for the physical, I slammed a gallon of water.

They get us in, weigh us, and take us to a room to sit down. Next in line was the drug test. After about 20 minutes, you can see a number of us starting to do a bit of a dance in our chairs. A few minutes later we're standing up just trying to think about something else. The recruiters there all know whats going on, and you could see a hint of a smile on their face. Finally, one of them spoke up and says "Ok, it's time to do a urinalyses. Who really needs to go first?" We bolted for that door. Not one of us gave it a single though that it was just 6 us us standing around a circular trough hanging out pissing into a cup with a bunch of other guys watching. I never had to pee so bad in my life. And I still needed a weight waiver. :mad:

When I was a company commander, I set up a prank on our UPL involving smuggled apple juice. The observer was in on the gag, and watch me fill the container with the juice. When I put the bottle on the table, he asked me, "Sir, is that your specimen?" I picked it up, took a swig, said, "Yeah, I think so," and handed it to the observer. He also took a sip. We then nodded and said, "Yep, that's it." The reaction was, shall we say, epic?

In 1999, a New Jersey prison guard was fired for the same reason: a poppy seed bagel he'd had produced a positive drug test. His case was subjected to further examination, and he was reinstated seven months later.

In 1997, a woman in Florida was awarded $859,000 in her lawsuit against Bankers Insurance Group because it had withdrawn a lucrative job offer to her on the basis of her poppy seed-influenced drug screen results.

This is why I always go for the onion bagel, or garlic, if I've been watching Buffy reruns.

When I was a company commander, I set up a prank on our UPL involving smuggled apple juice. The observer was in on the gag, and watch me fill the container with the juice. When I put the bottle on the table, he asked me, "Sir, is that your specimen?" I picked it up, took a swig, said, "Yeah, I think so," and handed it to the observer. He also took a sip. We then nodded and said, "Yep, that's it." The reaction was, shall we say, epic?

In 1999, a New Jersey prison guard was fired for the same reason: a poppy seed bagel he'd had produced a positive drug test. His case was subjected to further examination, and he was reinstated seven months later.

In 1997, a woman in Florida was awarded $859,000 in her lawsuit against Bankers Insurance Group because it had withdrawn a lucrative job offer to her on the basis of her poppy seed-influenced drug screen results.

I had already read snopes and several related stories about how people have been fired for testing positive for opiates after ingesting poppy seeds.

However, the doofus in question above claimed to get sent to a juvenile detention facility for FIVE years for testing positive. I don't believe that a bit.