Tuesday, August 12, 2014

More speculation on my whereabouts from my niece, Sarah:
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Authorities are investigating a localized sinkhole in Janesville, Wisconsin, discovered by local Daughters of The American Revolution walking club "The Quick Steppers" early on Tuesday morning.

On the property of now famous Harvey "How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up" Olson, recently released from the hospital, after his chipmunk "incident" last week, lay the ruins of his modest residence.

"Everyday that we walk is an adventure, that's for sure!" Amy Grune 72, told police. "This summer alone, we have discovered 3 meth labs, 2 people putting old appliances in the ditch, 17 litterbugs, and an elderly man sleeping' in the gutter. We are prepared for many emergencies, but not this."

Beth Anderson, fellow walker, is not so optimistic. "There is only so many things we can carry in our fanny packs! I am in charge of the First-Aid kit, Amy has the pepper spray to deal with feral dogs, Nancy has a taser to deal with perverts, and we all have cell phones! How do we even deal with sinkholes?!?"

"All I know is that it is going to take the city a long time to make that sidewalk even again. I would like to propose taking that street off of our walking route until further notice. I was considering it after the chipmunk 'incident', but this takes the cake," Mary Stutbreiner, 81, told reporters on the scene.

The cause of the sinkhole is still unclear, and authorities are speculating as to its cause. They are advising the public to stay calm, and that this incident is quite likely linked to the extensive chipmunk colony discovered last week on the property.

Harvey "How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up" Olson is recovering once again at the local hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery from his injuries. Miraculously he was on his roof at the time of the accident, clearing his rain gutters of acorns. Paramedics say that his being on the roof is what saved him.

"I was having a terrible time sleeping, knowing those acorns were up there, so I got up early this morning. Thank goodness for bad dreams!" Olson told reporters from his hospital bed.

"It was a horrible scene, just horrible!" stated Sverzgard to local authorities. "I never knew chipmunks were capable of such a gruesome, and frankly, well-orchestrated ambush."

"He has well over a thousand bite marks, and possibly two-thousand bruises from acorns. I personally have never seen anything like it." E.R. Nurse, Jane Thompson told reporters Thursday afternoon. "We have him in stable condition, however it may be months before he can use what is left of his fingers"

Authorities have spent the better part of the day re-creating, and examining what looks to be a chipmunk "colony", under the backyard deck of Olson. So far animal control has trapped, and euthanized 267 chipmunks, and veterinary technicians from the DNR are in the process of testing each and every animal for rabies. They are expecting to be trapping and testing well into the night, and possibly tomorrow as well.

The only statement from Olson, (via his niece Sarah speaking publicly on his behalf, as his condition makes his voice nearly inaudible) is as follows: "I was wrong. I thought there was only one chipmunk. I figured I'd leave him be, didn't think he was hurting anything. I was so wrong."

Residents of Janesville are encouraged to set live traps in their own yards, and the city has a fund set up to pay a bounty of $1.00 per chipmunk that is brought to City Hall. Local city employees have been trained in effective and humane methods of killing chipmunks brought to City Hall. The Mayor is urging citizens to not try to attempt killing them themselves, and to bring them alive due to the fact that these chipmunks seem to be smarter, and more dangerous than chipmunks seen in past years.

A fund has been set up at the US Bank on Milton Avenue, to help with Harvey's mounting medical bills, and to help with the cost of the extensive physical therapy that he will be undergoing.

There will also be a lemonade stand at the Piggly Wiggly on Saturday, Aug. 2nd, where the Boy Scouts (Troop #442) will be taking free will donations, and handing out literature on the safe trapping of chipmunks.

The public is urged to call City Hall with any concerns/questions, additional staff will be on hand to handle the influx of calls.