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Journal- June 29, 2014

Hmm, where do i begin… i was doing really great with my eating properly, and i have gotten all my workouts done as i should. i’ve been reading “the diet fix”, suggested by my Dr and instructed by Sir. i’m happy i have. it’s a great change from the typical “just want it bad enough” BS that the other books try to sell you.

i’m not a dr, nor am i trying to self-diagnose, i have simply noticed things in my dieting behaviour that are incredibly unhealthy. the book talks about guilt over minor slip ups, leading to destructive landslides back to bad eating habits- CHECK! hopelessness because you’ve tried countless times before without success- CHECK! frustration, despair, anger… yup… the whole gamut of emotions that all summarize into feeling like one giant ass (figuratively and literally speaking) failure.

all of this self-loathing aside, my major concern was today when i thought seriously about making myself throw up after a disappointing binge episode. i cheated on my diet and ate mcdonalds with the kids and then felt sickeningly guilty right afterwards. then, i had my caramel sundae and sat there hating myself for it. and not even hungry, i hate some dry chinese noodles. every single bite i was totally disgusted with myself. i feel so pathetic for having to write about this, but it scared me and i think it will do me good to get it out of my head. as i sat there, all i could think of was making myself sick and putting the whole ugly thing behind me. i managed to stop myself and put the bag down and went strait to Master to confess my thoughts. we talked a while until my crying had stopped and i calmed down. He was proud of me for going to Him, and said He will never give me trouble for thinking something, and He’d never be disappointed, because i came to Him when i needed His help.

so, where does that leave me now… upset with myself, and guilty to the point of nausea, but, proud of myself for not giving in to old habits. i’m fully aware that i’d be in worse than ever before trouble with both Master and Sir if i ever did it, but that’s only the tip of the disappointment i would feel. i swore to myself that i’d never go down that path again, and not just for me, but for our little girl to- i never want her to think that hurting herself is ok.

there it is. 2 days until i have to have lost 4 lbs, and i was doing really well at 6 lbs lost, but who knows now. and just thinking that makes me want to not eat. i am so grateful for the support system i have in place, without it, i’d be skinnier but back to as sick as i was when i met Master, which is never where i want to go again.