"It's
nothing but a gigantic mess, from its style to its performances
to its blatantly inappropriate music."

Theatrical2/10

DVDN/A

Blu-rayN/A

A while back, I saw
Ed Wood's "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and came away thinking
how justified the claim of "Worst Movie Ever Made" was.
Everything about that film was bad, and it single handedly redefined
how wrong things could go when trying to tell an effective story.
However, my opinion of it changed after seeing "Barbarella."
Make no mistake; "Plan 9" is still awful. However, I eventually
came to see that, for all its shortcomings, it at least managed
to stay true to what it set out to accomplish: to give a social
statement in the guise of a science fiction story. Had the makers
of "Barbarella" even attempted to do this, it might have
been an enjoyable and campy romp.

Unfortunately, this was not the case. In my humble opinion, "Barbarella"
ranks right up there with "Plan 9," and not in the way
you might be thinking; at least the latter was so bad that it
was good. "Barbarella" was just plain bad, from the
very first frame to the last.

This erotic science fiction/fantasy-based on the stories of Jean-Claude
Forest is one of Jane Fonda's earliest film roles. Maybe she wanted
to get this film out of her system before tackling more serious,
or at the very least, less ridiculous projects. I would certainly
be embarrassed if I were in her place, especially since she has
gone on to become a highly respected actress (with a couple of
Academy Awards to show for it). In all likelihood, she was cast
only because she was at that time married to the director, Roger
Vadim. I suppose everyone has to start somewhere (but at least
it should be somewhere worthwhile).

The plot is simple, if even relevant. In the incredibly distant
future, Barbarella, the "Queen of the Galaxy," is recruited
to track down the brilliant earth scientist, Durand Durand (Milo
O'Shea), and recover a secret weapon of his design. During her
quest, she crash-lands on a planet ruled by the Great Tyrant (Anita
Pallenberg), a dominatrix type woman who constantly refers to
Barbarella as "Pretty, Pretty." Barbarella also meets
Pygar, a blind angel played by John Phillip Law (who was obviously
picked for his looks rather than his talent). From there, it goes
from one silly, half naked escapade to the next, culminating in
an ending so excruciatingly ill-conceived, it's not even funny.

The overall look of
the film made me want to punch the production designer square in
the face. Absolutely everything was tacky and cheap. The worst looking
shots were those of outer space, if they can even be described that
way at all. Instead of the common representation (an inky backdrop
dotted with twinkling stars), we are shown a formless mass of viscous
goo photographically combined with sparklers and various lighting
effects. It's not genuine space; it's a universe trapped in a container
of hair gel. And let's not forget the interior of Barbarella's ship,
which was covered from floor to ceiling with dingy shag carpeting.

Describing the characters would require a lengthy reach and a
boatload of speculation. This is because there is absolutely no
character development; everyone in this film slides through as
heartlessly as a ride vehicle passing through a room in a funhouse.
Indeed, a funhouse is exactly what the film feels like (albeit,
it's a heavily drug-induced funhouse).

The best one has to work with are the characters' physical appearances,
which amounts to nothing more than sexy eye candy. Case in point:
Barbarella. There is no question that Jane Fonda had the body
for this part, and the filmmakers certainly wasted no time in
somehow showing it off. The very first scene is of her stripping
out of a spacesuit while floating in zero gravity. While certain
risqué glimpses make their way through, most of her body
is covered with the jumbled letters of the opening credits. The
rest of the film has her shifting from one skimpy costume to the
next, being that she somehow keeps conveniently losing them. One
of them was bitten away by demonic dolls with a taste for human
flesh (at which point I couldn't help but laugh at the thought
of Disneyland's "it's a small world"). Another was sucked
out through a pipe as she's being "pleasured to death"
by an orgasm-inducing keyboard instrument. I may have lost count,
but I think that by the end of the film, Barbarella had gone through
seven costume changes, a trait reminiscent of Queen Amidala in
"Star Wars: Episode I." Did any of it matter? Not really.
It was only done to show off Jane Fonda's body: never mind adding
something meaningful to the plot.

One of my biggest beefs with this film is its poster. It's annoyingly
deceptive in terms of the film's genre. Seeing it automatically
leads one to believe that the film is a classic science fiction
adventure. True enough, we are shown distant planets, spaceships,
and various weapons utilizing technologies that exist only in
the imagination. However, it looks and feels too different; the
continuous appearance of swirling psychedelic backdrops and exposed
female anatomy makes it seem more like a sexually charged acid
trip than a science fiction story. It was like going into the
mind of Hunter S. Thompson and getting ringside seats for his
private fantasy. Trust me when I say that that very quickly loses
its appeal.

At this point, let me return to "Plan 9 From Outer Space"
for just a moment. Is it a good film? Not by any stretch of the
imagination. But is it at least mind-numbingly entertaining? Certainly.
Its failure to succeed in every way made it fun. But "Barbarella"
was no fun at all. It's nothing but a gigantic mess, from its
style to its performances to its blatantly inappropriate music.
I really can't help but feel that this is a film even Ed Wood
would have laughed at.