Relationship Matters: The pain of family estrangement

In most families, the bond of children to their parents, grandparents and other members of the extended family is natural, evident and fostered. The delight that parents experience throughout their children’s development, and maturation is often hailed as an anticipated and granted joy and pride. Families who have severed connection between certain people in their lineage suffer greatly and are baffled by this occurrence.

Most parents lovingly lament to their friends and family about the stages of their youngsters’ less than acceptable or proper conduct as compared to their own upbringing. Some describe their children’s behavior as “unimaginable conduct” in their own generation. This cycle of amazement keeps repeating every generation as the adults are dazed by their children’s behavior as well as by the educational system’s laxity in handling some the youngsters’ blatant “inappropriate conduct.”

Some adult children are concerned about the impact of their parents on the youngest generation and how the seniors’ “outdated opinions” may damage their youngsters’ health and psychological development.

Concomitantly, some children view their parents and grandparents as “outdated”, “old”, and “out of touch” with modern times and values.

This cycle has existed for many generations and will probably last forever.

The most damaging element of family relationship is the estrangement between some parents and their siblings, cousins or other relatives for “unforgiven conduct” in past years. Dr. Terri Apter of the University of

Cambridge, the author of “The Sister Knot: Why We Fight, Why we’re

Jealous, and Why We’ll Love Each Other No Matter What”, depicts, as her book title reads, how competition and jealousy may co-exist within sibling loyalty and deep love. Personally, I have experienced extreme jealousy about the addition of my brother to our family. Being two and a half years old, I could not understand what was “wrong” with me that my parents needed to have another child. As I matured and to this day, I regard my brother as my best friend and helper, whom I will appreciate and love to my last breath. It is always hard to convince young children that the addition of another child does not reduce their preciousness in the eyes of their parents and that love can be generously given to more than one child.

Parents

• Reassure your older child that his/her preciousness has not been diminished by the arrival of one or more siblings.

• Praise each child’s behavior and specialness as you reprimand his/her unkind conduct.

• Separate the child’s essence from his/her behavior. Say, “It is not nice for a kind child like you to hurt your brother/sister.”

• Pay attention to all positive expressions of kindness, sharing, helpful and supportive conduct your children exhibit and tell them how proud you are of them.

• Adopt a loving and corrective style in your parenting. Your children will grow to love you and their siblings as well.

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• Treat sibling rivalry as natural and normal conduct as you correct the harsh behaviors.