when chronic isn't enough

WEST QUAD — Statement released today by Duke’s Residential Love and Happiness Service (RLHS):

Due to rising costs for winter heating, and seeing as how Mike Krzyzewski is really the best hope Duke has for just about anything, we have decided to rely on Duke Basketball to cover some of the heating costs for dorms on Main West. We think that a huge victory once or twice a month is not too much to ask.

BRYAN CENTER — Duke’s newest lifestyle magazine, the Duke Misogyny, Irrationality, and Xenophobia monthly (DMIX) hit the stands last Friday and students across campus have applauded the publication’s promotion of eating disorders and aversion to non-white people.

“I’ve been looking for an outlet to exacerbate my lack of confidence, social anxiety, and body-image issues, and when I picked up my copy of DMIX from under a trash pile outside of Gross Chem, I felt like I finally found something to fill the void,” sophomore Hillary Godde stated.

“If only DMIX had been around at the time of the Gender Forum,” Student Government of Duke President Matt Lincoln lamented. “We might have almost become irrelevant.”

The Weedicle received an advance copy of the publication, which named “starving” and “over-exercising” as key December trends in campus living habits. An article, entitled “Beauty and Brains” is reprinted exclusively here.

“Let’s be honest. I look like this because I run three miles a day and eat salad,” junior Belle Jones wrote in DMIX.

The magazine, which cites a variety of white and extra white people as “Duke’s Hot to Watch” has been touted for its edgy, provocative subject matter.

“I was interning at the prestigious Detroit Daily Courier, a lifestyle/society publication in Detroit,” founding co-editor Jaz Simpson explained to the Weedicle, “when I looked around the office at the beautiful issues on the table, at the articles I was writing, and thought, ‘I wish Duke students had a medium through which to champion their insecurities, too.’”

Simpson is not alone. Duke nutritionist Franklin Alphie wrote in an email that after the Karen Owen powerpoint and fraternity emails, “Female self-esteem on campus is at an all-time high. This is the perfect opportunity to build on that momentum and really give Duke students something they can live up to: calcium deficiency and size 00 waists.”

“It was almost a tangible, physical sensation,” Simpson wrote in his inaugural letter from the editor. “The tumblers opened, the lock clicked, the door burst, stars shimmered in the heretofore vacant night sky, and ideas surged out in waves that haven’t been since Noah set sail. DMIX is like, a trashy gossip column meets the KKK.”

And set sail he did. Left in bathrooms, art history books, study carrels, and the trashcan outside of Bostock, it is estimated that up to four or five students have read DMIX.

“We expect readership to go up by at least one or two people come the next publication cycle,” publisher Carla Muir said. “We will soon rival the Chronic.”

SMITH WAREHOUSE — Four Duke seniors were recently awarded prestigious felonies that will allow them to continue their studies at federally ranked institutions.

“I spoke much too soon about the change in culture that I wanted to see on our esteemed campus,” said President Bearhead. “I had no idea our students could perform at this level, and it overwhelms me to see the student body doing their part to bring notoriety to our university.” Continue Reading »

301 FLOWERS — Disenchanted with the lack of apparent progress on issues of racial and socioeconomic self-segregation at Duke, junior Shimmering Lai has decided to take matters into her own hands.

Writing a 753-word column entitled “Harry Potter Sucks” in The Chronicle Monday, Lai, an English major, criticized the “scrawny wizard-boy and his accompanying cast of tedious characters” in an attempt to better campus culture. Continue Reading »

It’s a chilly November evening. You’re alone, in Perkins, where no one can scream without starting an Asian race war. You’re hiding from feminists, powerpoints, your girlfriend, your Shooters girlfriend, a sober Saturday morning, calories, and the Greek Conduct Board. What do you do? Where do you go? SGD has saved you, well sort of.

The men of SGD know what true fear is. Fear is that some sororstitute might overthrow our sweetest bros in the race for Young Trustee. Fear is that Duke women are trying to undermine the values instilled in us by Soulja Boy. Fear is that the fuzz will discover our child porn collections. Fear is realizing that one day SGD chapter meetings could be run with over 30% slampiece attendance. Continue Reading »

ALLEN BUILDING — In a blast email to undergraduate students Monday night, President Yogi Bearhead announced the birth of his nephew, Skeeter Lange.

“I was uh, so excited about my sister’s, uh, new baby boy, so I had to let everyone know about the, uh, new uncle in the Allen Building,” Bearhead said.

Writing that Duke undergraduates are “as intelligent, as thoughtful, as creative, and as concerned for others as any student body in the country,” Bearhead expressed optimism that students will galvanize support and throw his sister an “epic” baby shower. Continue Reading »

GRIFFITH BOARD ROOM, OSAF – At their meeting Sunday night, Last Day of Classes committee co-chairs Elle Tea and Ben Williams announced that they would never be releasing the names of the artists set to perform at the LDOC Celebration in order to “maintain their indie cred.”

“If people knew who we were bringing, they wouldn’t be cool anymore,” co-chair Ben Williams told the Weedicle. “We got a lot of nominations for Miley Cyrus, the cast of Glee, and a rendition of Cee-Lo-Green’s “Fuck You” by the online commentator known as Duke Fact Checker, who seemed to think this was a private concert for the Board of Trustees, but all of these artists have been way overhyped.” Continue Reading »