Hi everyone, I hope you can help me find a way to solve the mess I’ve made… If it’s possible at all.

In my previous relationship I was crazy in love, despite unstability and his constant lying. There were extremes: fights with flood of tears, and moments of happiness that I’d never experienced before nor after. I got tired of all this though and I guess I needed emotional stability. I met someone else who seemed a perfect match and fell in love with me. I broke up with my ex, as it seemed rational. I thought that with all his emotional unavailability, my ex would move on easily. Unfortunately he got really hurt suffered much more than I’d expected. And same was with me. Now, after over 1.5 years, I’m still suffering and feeling guilty. I feel like I destroyed love of my life. I know he’s still suffering too and would like us to get back together. Unfortunately I’m still with the new partner who has no clue what’s been happening in my head. I can’t leave him and break his heart, I can’t make another person suffer. I feel like I’ve made my bed but I was hoping time would help… I was hoping that my ex would meet someone who’d make him happy, but it didn’t happen, and knowing that he’s suffering because of me is killing me… My new partner is a wonderful person but we never connected as with my ex. He loves me deeply and is fully committed. He left his job and moved far away from his home just to be with me. I feel I made the biggest mistake of my life and that I’ll always regret it. I feel so guilty of hurting my ex and emotionally cheating my current partner. I was hoping time would help but months are passing and it’s still the same.

Time to change the script here: Your old boyfriend blew it. HE made his bed. Let HIM lie in it. You broke up with him because the relationship was unstable and he was constantly lying.

Why would you dump a truthful, wonderful, committed being for the HIGH RISK of jumping back together with a liar you always fought with? Would the renewed relationship magically be more stable this time? If you had never met your old boyfriend, would you break up with your current boyfriend? I would break up with your new boyfriend ONLY because you don’t really love him. But here’s the thing: if you do, DON’T run immediately back to Mr. Trouble. Or you’ll REALLY be kicking yourself!

I agree with Inky’s amazingly articulated response (one of The Best of Inky’s).

“his constant lying”, you wrote regarding your ex boyfriend. Is it possible that it is his constant lying that brought about his current suffering? That is, that he is suffering the consequences of his own actions, that is, constantly lying?

Better you don’t go on assuming responsibility for what you are not responsible for.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Inky,</p>
Thank you so much.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>You’re absolutely right. My previous relationship was very dramatic and my ex hurt me many times. I should have left him long ago but I was so addicted to him that I decided to forgive everything he’d done. However once I decided to stay he changed and seemed much more caring though I couldn’t trust him anymore and I lost faith that this relationship could ever work, despite our love. We spent almost 8 years in this struggle, maybe that’s why it’s also so hard to move on.</p>
I’m not sure if what I still feel for him is love or some kind of obsession mixed with guilt. Whatever it is, it doesn’t let me appreciate my current relationship, especially that I feel guilty about this part as well.

Unfortunately my parents had also very dramatic relationship and I’m aware that it might have affected my definition of love.

I think I do love my current boyfriend, though I’m not sure if it’s possible to love two persons at the same time.

I think the main issue was that I left him not when I should have, but later on: when he was honest and caring. I think that’s why I feel so bad for leaving him and breaking his heart. He understood that it was consequences of his previous actions but somehow I still feel horrible for making him suffer.

Yes, it sounds weird but he was sweet and caring but I never knew what he was thinking and going to do. I was blindsided by his decisions many times, I didn’t feel like he was treating me serious, like a partner included in his decision making process. I was constantly feeling unstable. Many times when I asked why he did something the answer was “I don’t know” and it was quite frustrating. It changed when I decided to leave. He was trying hard to show me he was able to change then.

When I met my current partner I was shocked that someone can communicate so well in any situation and he really considered me in his decisions. Whenever we had any disagreement we’d just talk, whilst in similar cases with my ex it felt like talking to a wall. I knew that my previous relationship was toxic when he was cheating on me and I was accepting it for the sake of not losing him. But with my new relationship I realised that there were also other issues in the past that made me feel unhappy with my ex.

It’s so ironic that now as I’m writing it, it all seems obvious that I should forget about my ex. Then why does it hurt so much imagining that I’d never see him again?:(

” Talking to a wall” is not part of a good relationship. It is obvious to me too that staying with your current boyfriend and letting go of the ex boyfriend is the right thing for you to do.

“why does it hurt so much imagining that I’d never see him again?”- because over the years you were with the ex you became emotionally attached to him. Regardless of his behavior, you connected a feeling of safety with his person. So away from him feels dangerous.

In reality, your current boyfriend is where your safety is, your emotional safety because unlike the old he hears you, he considers you in his decisions, the two of you communicate well. But the feeling of safety connected to the old still exists. It is similar to a toddler who is attached to an old blanket and wants to carry it everywhere with her. The blanket doesn’t provide real safety.

Thank you so much for your help and not judging me. I feel very guilty, but also I’m aware I should focus now on preventing further damage and hurting more people – and finally trying to stop my masochistic thoughts. You’re right, it seems I got attached and I don’t see things clear. It feels like an addiction but I hope to finally get sober some say.

You are welcome. Regarding “preventing .. hurting more people”, you are a person too, so prevent hurting you! You do matter no less than any other person.

As you go on in life, make the best choices you can make for yourself, being fair and just to others. But expect that no matter what you choose, someone may not like what you choose to do. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.

If we wouldn’t make a move in life unless everyone liked our move, we … wouldn’t move at all.

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