my journey through the depression jungle

coming to terms with the thing that imprison me

have you ever noticed the spinning cycles of depression which seem to be there whether in cycle or not? I surely have.

sadness leads to sadness which leads to even more sadness. sadness seems to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.

fear leads to fear which leads to even more fear. fear seems to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.
anxiety leads to anxiety which leads to even more anxiety. anxiety seems to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.

worry leads to worry which leads to even more worry. worry seems to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.

feeling judged leads to feeling further judged which leads to feeling even more judgements. judgements seem to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.

the feeling of being less leads to feelings of feeling less which leads to even more feelings of feeling less. feelings of being less seems to become an all encompassing self-fulfilling struggle.

with all these potentially harming feelings they feed on themselves. with every trip to the downward cycling trough, the power over me grows and grows until i am held powerless to the new beast that had been added to the roll call of all powerful demons. those demons hold me prisoner.

but, what if i could free myself from this well guarded prisons? what if i could free myself from these all encompassing self-fulfilling struggles? what if i could end these many tumbling cycles? it would be a large order, without a doubt, but wouldn’t that start a motion towards freedom?

i had this thought today, what if i could end this downward cycle, stop surrendering my power, start taking back what i’ve given away for far too long. that all sounds to good to be true.

then, i realized i had localized success in ending the spin. there have been a few times where i’ve felt anxiety and felt the downward spiral starting to corkscrew tighter with every turn.

then it happened. i didn’t yell and scream, tell it to get out of my life. that would admit the power it has over me. no, i simply introduced myself. i acknowledged him. not with fear, scorn or contempt. we had a fifteen maybe thirty seconds get together. i felt just as anxious as before our meeting and went about my day.

just a couple a minutes later i did a body check like i’ve done many times before. much to my surprise, all those feelings and sensations that represent anxiety had folded up camp and high-tailed it out of there. simply recognizing anxiety’s presence and the once all powerful, life draining emotion turned out to be more like a paper tiger.

in talking to a friend, talking about how to handle those sudden, unexpected emotional drops, we brainstormed for ideas. i struggled to find any ideas. looking of an idea, any idea, i mentioned i could treat the crash free of any judgements, just be with it. feeling like this was a silly exercise, i thought nothing more of it, and went about my day.

a few hours later, i thought back to the brain storm, and the seemingly cockamamie idea of just being with the mini crash. a light went off in my head; that’s the exact same approach i use with isolation. additionally, when that idea gets used with isolation, it has worked. perhaps i’ll try being with the mini crash and hope it has similar results.

shortly there after, i thought if it has worked for isolation, had strong parallels with mini crashes, maybe it could be used elsewhere, too. i’m sure the list could be long but let’s start with sadness, fear, worry, judgement, feeling less. what if i could employ the same idea of just being with these emotions, not fighting them, and having that work. perhaps the would open the door, if only a crack, to the many prisons that imprison me.

this idea carries great promise and brings with it a new promise. perhaps those demons that have taken up residence in my life don’t have to be treated with fear and destain. maybe simply acknowledging and accepting them, like what i do with anxiety, will grant me some freedoms from my life sucking fiends.

About bipolarsojourner

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.

this is me-i’m the one in the middle

i have struggled with episodic depression for years. i then received a diagnosis of being bipolar, only to find out i didn’t. ends up my psychiatrist really meant to say that multiple bouts of depression are often best treated like bipolar. i had already started this blog as bipolar sojourner and didn't want to switch it over. i am documenting my journeys through my depression jungle.