Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Thus says the Lord: You shall arise and go to a faraway
place, to attend a memorial service, and you shall lodge in the hotel chosen by
your husband’s brother.

And lo, even on that selfsame day I shall cause a great
horde of teenaged girls to descend upon that same hotel.I shall set you in the midst of them; verily,
even shall you be staying on the same floor of the hotel as this mighty army of
girls.

And it shall come to pass, in the black and dark hours of
the night, that they shall run up and down the hallway making a noise very like
Pharaoh’s chariots and horses rushing into battle.At all hours of the watch they shall talk and
cackle and make all manner of noise, like a grievous swarm of flies. They shall
repeatedly open and close doors, and across the hall from your room they shall stand
at the door and knock, saying in a shrill voice, “Where is Benita?She has my key!”

Then shall you arise from your bed, cry out in the night,
and phone the hotel front desk, pouring out your heart like water.And lo, for a short time all will be quiet. Do not rest easy, though, for does not nature
teach you that teenage girls without a chaperone must make noise, a noise even
as the sound of war?And lo, it shall
come to pass, in less than twenty minutes time, that the noise shall be as
before.

Be not hasty in your spirit to be angry: you shall for a
time lie in your bed.And you shall, in
your mind, alphabetically go through hymns, singing the first verse of these
praises to the Lord:

Amazing
Grace

Be Thou My
Vision

Crown Him
with Many Crowns

Draw Us In the Spirit’s Tether

Every Time
I Feel the Spirit

Fairest
Lord Jesus

And lo, you shall reach the letter “M” and be sore vexed
that it is 2 a.m. and the young maidens are still awake, shouting as if in
battle, slamming doors, making a joyful noise.

You shall arise once more, in your lavender paisley pajamas
with hair askew. And you shall suddenly open your door, and shall confront the
teenage girls who stand frozen in place in the hotel hallway, holding hair
dryers and makeup.And you shall say to
them with the voice of the fierce lion, “You girls have got to quiet
down!”And they shall reply in unison,
each while pointing to another, “It’s her fault.”

Then shall the Lord say unto you: Forsake your wrath.Be joyful that these girls are not
malicious.Upon seeing you in your
lavender paisley pajamas they did not mock you; neither did they threaten you
or take up violence against you.Be glad
that they are not breaking the furniture or setting things on fire.With thanksgiving in your heart, think of
your own child, who is not riotous or unruly, and remember in the light of
morning to tell that child that she had better not behave like these girls when
she is on the marching band trip, or else.

And there was evening and there was morning, only one night,
but a really long one.In the morning
light, you shall descend to the first floor for breakfast. And there in the breaking
of the bread you shall meet your husband’s brother.And you shall recount to him the tale of your
woeful night.And he shall say to you,
“What noise?There was no noise on the
fourth floor.”

-
The Book of Peregrinations 5:1-57

Teenage Girls (but not the ones in this passage)
- capable of making a
great deal of noise at night

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Today spring began in earnest here, with plants and flowers bursting
forth from the earth, and warm sun to cheer us all.

However, I myself seem to be lacking enough energy to write.Chalk it up to too many religious services, I
guess.Don’t get me wrong: I’m glad to
recognize and celebrate God’s mighty hand and outstretched arm, both in providing
the exodus from Egypt (or escape from Emperor Palpatine, if you prefer) and
Jesus’ resurrection from the dead.

So instead of prose, I’ll just provide you with photos of
flowers. Most of these are inside flowers. I wanted to take more photos outside, but some scofflaw in her pajamas was walking her dog without a leash, so I had to run inside.

This evening I expressed my profound gratitude to my husband by saying tenderly, "I'm glad you don't take your dog for a walk without a leash in your pajamas." He replied, "What would a dog be doing in my pajamas?"

Bulbs to plant - a gift from a dear friend last week.

Daffodils, bowed over by stormy weather

Bunch of beauteous bulbs

A week later, these tulips are gorgeously in bloom.
I am enjoying them so much!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

It is part of the Passover seder tradition to tell the story of the Exodus. Here's the version we used last night.

To the Promised Galaxy

Or “My Father Was A Wandering Alderaanian”

A Passover Story

By Youngest Daughter

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Abraham was told
to go to a place that he would be shown by God, and to count the stars. One
day, God said, his ancestors would number as much as the stars, and even live
among them. This is the story of his ancestors, back then, when they did the
Star Wars Exodus.

Our story begins on Alderaan, with the Emperor. He had
ordered all Alderaanian boy children to die, unless Princess Leia told the
location of the secret rebel base. However, one family set a young boy adrift
in a space pod. His name was Moses, but his nickname was Luke Skywalker. He was
discovered by Darth Vader, who took him in, and they both became servants under
Emperor Palpatine.

However, when Luke was grown up, he saw the Death Star
getting ready to destroy the planet Alderaan so as to get at the rebel base,
and he felt a connection with the Alderaanians, which he’d never felt before.
Then, he realized that he must be an Alderaanian, too, and took a shuttle to
the Death Star. He destroyed the Death Star, and fled to Dagobah, where he
stayed for a very long time, herding Yodas.

However, after he’d stayed there for a long while, he saw a
burning bush, which is not a very usual sight in the swamp. God spoke to him
through this bush, telling him to go back and convince Vader and the Emperor to
let the Alderaanians go from their slavery to the Empire.

So, Luke went back to the Empire, and brought upon them 10
plagues.First, he changed all of their
water rations into blood.Second, he
brought on the uncertainty of not knowing who shot first in Han Solo’s battle
with Greebo. Third, he sent down a plague of Geonosians, or alien insects.
Fourth, he sent the plague of Jar Jar Bink’s extremely annoying personality.

Fifth, he sent a terrible sickness to all on the Imperial
ships. Sixth, he sent Jabba the Hutt to get people frozen in carbonite. Seventh,
he sent asteroid hail down on the Empire. Eighth, he sent a bunch of those
worms of those asteroids, the ones that eat people unless you engage the hyperdrive.

Ninth (and this was one of the really bad ones), Luke sent
down the Star Wars prequels. However, the 10th plague was the worst, as this
was the death of all the first born children. Vader, who had become like a son
to the Emperor, died in this plague.

After Vader died, the Emperor was convinced that he had to
let the Alderaanians go, so they baked matzah and set off in their spaceships
towards the Promised Galaxy.However,
Emperor Palpatine changed his mind, and sent the whole Imperial fleet after
them. Soon, the Alderaanians became trapped on the edge of an asteroid belt,
with the Imperial fleet closing in behind them.

However, then God sent down a miracle, and the asteroid belt
was parted, allowing the Alderaanian ships through. However, God sent the
asteroid belt crashing back together when the Imperial fleet came through, and
the Emperor and all his soldiers died.

All Rights Reserved (that means link, don’t copy)

Manischewitz Concord Grape Wine: The traditional wine for
Passover, no matter where you are in the universe.
Sweeter than Kool-Aid.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Dear Reader, I don’t know if you noticed, but Passover is
nearly upon us. Get ready to leave Egypt on Monday night!

This year, I am not quite ready to leave Egypt.I have only found time to make two batches of
Passover bagels (one batch for our college kids) and one batch of Passover
lemon squares ahead of time. Right now I
am off to do more baking, so I leave you with this tale of sibling rivalry from
last year.

* * * * * *

First off, I made Passover bagels.My husband suggested that next time I vary
the flavoring (gasp), and his suggestion for once did not involve Cream of
Mushroom soup.So I made a foray into
uncharted territory (appropriate for Passover, eh?!): cinnamon raisin flavor.I left half of one on my son’s plate at
dinner, for him to try.He is our
biggest consumer of Passover bagels, so if he likes them, I’ll make more.

He saw the inexplicable brown thing on his plate, was suspicious, and said,
“What is this?”

My husband said,
“It’s the Dead Sea bagel.”

Son:“Do you mean it’s a dead Sea-bagel, or it’s a
Dead Sea bagel?”

I said, “It’s a Red Sea bagel, actually.”

Son:“Do you mean a Reed Sea bagel?”

(He references the assertion
among Biblical scholars that the Bible misnames the sea the Israelites
cross.They contend that it is not the
Red Sea, as labeled on today’s maps, but a sea of reeds.)

Me:“It’s a cinnamon raisin Passover bagel.I want to know if you like it.”

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A few weeks ago, our two oldest kids came home from college
for March Break.It was just like old
times, with all five of us at dinner. I served a fine Italian meal:angel hair pasta with Ragu sauce from a jar.This is one of my ‘emergency’ meals, served
when

(a) I can’t think of what else to
make, or

(b) I am in a hurry because I have
to go on a trip out of town the next day,

either of which constitute a Common Household meal
emergency.In this case, both (a) and (b)
applied.Here is the conversation that
ensued.

Husband: This
angel hair is like Ramen noodles, only without the flavor packet.

(With this comment, my
husband probably intended to criticize the meal.I considered it a compliment.I may use sauce from a jar, but I draw the
line at using flavor packets.)

Older Daughter:You know, “flavor packet” would be
incomprehensible to somebody from the 1920s.

Me:Or to the French, at any time in history.

Son:How do you even say “flavor packet” in French?

(Despite the fact that
I was a French major in college, at that moment I could not come up with a
French equivalent for either “flavor” or “packet.”)

Me:Well, the French have flavor, but not in
packets.

Husband:Maybe you call it a “flavor pouch” in
French.“Sac de flaveur!”

(He said this with a
vaguely French-like wave of the arms.)

Me:“Sac” means “bag.”

(Anyone can easily
remember this because in middle school French class we all learned that “cul de
sac” means “ass of bag.”Aren’t we glad we are not in middle school any more?)

Older Daughter:But bags are for Cheetos.“Sac de Cheetos!”

Son:Their advertising slogan is “Dangerously
Cheesy.”

Older Daughter, drawing on 6 years of Spanish classes:Peligrosamente Quesamente!

Younger Daughter:I wonder how you would say that in Latin.

* * * * * * *

Later thought led me to conclude that a direct translation
of “flavor packet” into French might be “paquet de goût” (pronounced ‘pah-KAY
deh GOO’).That sounds an awful lot like
“packet of goo,” which confirms to me that the French have too much culinary
intelligence to need to refer to flavor packets at all. Paquet de goo is what you get when you open a
can of cream of mushroom soup, another of my husband’s favorites.I’ll bet the French would not recognize that
stuff in the can as cream of mushroom soup.

About Me

My name is Carolyn. I am a non-scientist living among scientists, and a Christian in an interfaith household. Dinner-time can get interesting sometimes.
To contact me, e-mail me at
leafmonster2000 -at- gmail -dot- com