Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Hey everybody! I’ve got a special update tonight, and it’s something that I probably should have done many, many moons ago. But better late than never, right? Yesterday, received a Twitter request from one of my most loyal followers (and if I’m being honest, he suggested I start this blog five years ago, so I owe him this at least). Anyway, he requested a list of all-time favorite horror movies to check out this season, as well as recommendations for anything available on streaming platforms. So this is going to be short and sweet, but here’s my lists.

Here are movies that I like, currently available on Streaming platforms.

Currently Streaming on Netflix

Children of the Corn (1984 Stephen King classic. Don’t be dumb like me, and accidentally watch the remake)

Odd Thomas – It’s a little comic book-y and not too scary, but I thought this was a pretty fun movie, and a decent watch for those who can’t handle the real scary stuff).

The Invitation – 2016 movie that will keep you guessing the whole time, and is a hidden gem in the genre.

Hellraiser – Clive Barker classic, and definitely one of my favorites. It’s definitely more on the grotesque side of horror, and the special effects are hokey, but the characters are iconic even today.

It Follows – Unique story about a monster that never stops pursuing its prey. Use protection, people.

The Babadook – Critically-acclaimed horror story about a child’s nightmare come to life. I thought it was pretty good, but I may have over-hyped it for myself.

Keep your eyes on the screen. You’re getting sleepy.. falling into a comforting rest. Your eyelids are starting to get heavier and heavier… Because you’re back to reading this mostly-boring horror blog again! Also I have now hypnotized you. But seriously, welcome back to the Unholy Cathedral, your not-very-regular-anymore source for horror movie reviews. I am your hypno- I mean.. caretaker, Dvo, and tonight we’ll be talking about the recent box office smash hit, Get Out. I’d seen plenty of trailers for this movie, and was excited to check it out even before the strong reviews came in. But once I saw the high praises from critics and audiences alike, I had to see this movie. So let’s jump in and see if it lives up to the hype.

Get Out is the story of a young couple who take a weekend to introduce the boyfriend to the girlfriend’s parents. But look out, he’s African-American, and she’s Brian Williams’ daughter. Hilarious hijinx are bound to ensue, right? It’s like the opposite of that Ashton Kutchar and Bernie Mac movie, right? Probably. Anyway, they arrive at the parents’ house, but something feels off. The housekeepers seem a little weird, and mom and dad seem like they have something they’re not telling him… White people, I tell you.

Get Out is Jordan Peele’s first foray into the horror genre, and I gotta throw props at him. He nails it with this really strong debut. Admittedly, this is more on the suspense side than gritty, blood-curdling horror. But it’s worthy of this blog, for sure. There are definitely a few parts that are pretty scary, and the acting is great throughout. Here’s to hoping Mr. Peele isn’t done with horror, and brings more to the table.

Let’s go to the place below, and dive in for A Closer Look

Villain: A family with evil intentions

How do I Stop Them?: Well… a few key points. First and foremost, they’re humans at the end of the day. Shoot ’em, stab ’em, run away.. the basics work here. But just don’t fall into their trap. And it helps if you’re not of African-American descent. And before you try to pull out the race card on this blogger, let me just say that’s the movie talking, not this blogger.

Lessons Learned: White people are jerks! For real though, here are the big lessons. If something seems blatantly and shamelessly strange, just get out of that situation as quickly as you can. Also I’m not sure if hypnotism is real or not, but I’m not jumping in line to try that. Stay out of my brain, you animals.

Who Do I Watch With?: Anyone old enough to see it! It’s not that gory, not that adulterated, and generally an awesome flick. Grab some popcorn and enjoy with a friend.

Movie Trivia: Not too much on here, but I did find it interesting that Jordan Peele used the original Night of the Living Dead as inspiration for this film, since it has a black protagonist, and addresses racial issues in the framework of a horror movie.

Rating the Flick

Villains: 7/10. It’s very simple, but I’d say very strong. While things start expectedly, there’s some pretty crazy revelations along the way that make our villains quite interesting.

Scare Factor: A few chills (5/10)

It’s certainly not a “silly” movie, but also not terrifying. Mr. Peele does a good job of keeping us in a state of discomfort for the majority of the movie, but also provides a small bit of comic relief.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

If you’re looking for blood and guts, look elsewhere. There’s a tiny bit of violence, but nothing that’ll make you squirm.

Overall Rating: 4/5 Teacups

Really strong effort here by Mr. Peele. I thought this was a pretty great movie from start to finish, and showed us a different style of horror that we haven’t seen. The story is very original, and was executed flawlessly. With that said, I think that in terms of pure horror movies, this one is missing something. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not macabre. I’m giving Get Out the Unholy Stamp of Approval (USA! USA! USA!), but it falls just short of my top echelon. Regardless, if you get a chance, definitely check this one out. It’s worth the ticket price!

So that will wrap up this review. I know I keep making false promises at the ends of these blogs, but I’m gonna try to post more things on here, I promise. And if there’s anything you want me to review, let me know! Preferably movies though.. I’ve accepted that horror video game requests are more of a commitment, and have a lower chance of happening. Anyway, thanks again for reading! Hope to be haunting you again soon.

GREETINGS, friends, and welcome once again to your source for spooky… The Cathedral is back in business, and this time we’re taking a look at a fresh movie on the block. The Conjuring 2 made its terrifying debut this weekend, and after hearing four separate people give positive reviews, I knew I had to see this one. Now know this… The first Conjuring was one of few movies to get a perfect score on this blog, so needless to say that’s a tough act to follow. And Horror movie sequels in general don’t often succeed, as it were. So I was VERY glad to see this one deliver… Anyway, let’s get into it.

It’s the mid-1970’s, and Ed & Lorraine Warren are investigating one of their darkest, most sinister cases ever in Amityville, New York. The aftermath of that event has left psychological scars on Lorraine. Enough to the point that she’s unwilling to take on any new cases. But elsewhere in the world, a struggling mother is witnessing something happening to her daughter. She’s speaking with the voice of an old man. She’s claiming that someone, or something, is intruding on her room in the night. And her house is slowly getting trashed by an evil spirit. But she’s probably faking it, right? …….. Right?

I’m wondering how long it’ll take for James Wan to be recognized as one of the better horror directors in history. He’s already the director and/or producer of The Conjuring, Insidious, Saw (and sequels), and Dead Silence. And he’s got a strong docket still coming, including Lights Out, and mulitple Insidious sequels. The dude is legit. And admittedly, there seems like a very similar tone between the Conjuring and Insidious movies, but they have their differences, and at the end of the day, they’re both pretty damn scary. And that’s the bottom line.

Back to business. Say 10 Hail Mary’s and let’s go in for A Closer Look

Villain: A sinister demon. That’s all you get.

How do I Stop It?: As is the case with the first movie, this is a foul, horrible beast. You’ll need some serious help if you’re confronted with this one.

Lessons Learned: Ok. How do I get this to sink in? Spirit boards are generally not a good idea. So making a spirit board… that’s an even worse idea. If there’s a way to communicate with the dead, leave it to the pros, eh? And another thing. Should you have a nightmare of a particularly creepy spirit, you shouldn’t EVER feel the need to make a painting of said spirit, and hang it on your effing wall! EVER. FO RILL.

Who Do I Watch With?: Anyone who’s up for a good, clean, scary movie. I do recommend bringing someone though. This one’s pretty spooky.

Movie Trivia: On the first day of shooting, an actual priest was brought in to bless the set (creepy trivia!). Also, James Wan turned down an unknown (but claimed to be very large) amount of money to direct Fast 8, in order to direct The Conjuring 2. \m/ \m/

Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. Wow this thing is nuts. As good as the demon in the first movie was, I think this one was even scarier. Wan really had a great design for the character(s), and I’m sure they’ll certainly be in a lot of upcoming nightmares.

Scare Factor: Palms doth sweateth (9/10)

This is a pretty long movie by horror standards, and while there are a few slow parts here and there, the scares are also there, the whole time. Be warned, this is a very scary movie.

Gore Rating: Barely Bloody Machete (1/5)

Not much to worry about here. Similar to the first one, basically no gore involved, but as Mr. Wan has shown us, it’s not needed to get you jumping in these films.

Overall Rating: 5/5 Recliners

….because Chairs! Yes, another perfect score. And I dare say (I dare, I dare!) that The Conjuring 2 is even better than the first movie. It’s just… really really good. The plot development is great, there’s good foreshadowing, subtle references to other films in the saga, and most importantly, straight up scary stuff. Really really solid film here. I don’t really know what else to say, so I think I’m just going to end it on that. If you get a chance, SEE THIS MOVIE IN THEATERS. It’s worth the ticket price.

So that’ll wrap up this review. As it turns out, there’s more horror movies being released in the coming months, so stay tuned. Never know what you might see on here… Oh, and I’ll leave you with this…

A strange video game, where cryptic files are placed on your computer while skeletal spirits hunt you in the dark? All while the spirit is seemlingly logged in and guiding you deeper into the terror within the game? That’s exactly what we’re talking about this week, so let’s take a look at IMSCARED, a Pixelated Nightmare.

Greetings, and welcome once again to the Unholy Cathedral! This blog has officially gone off the rails, but in a good way, in my opinion.

This week we’re doing an Unholy first– a review of a horror video game. This started a few weeks ago when a chicken friend of mine asked me to play this horror game, because it was getting good reviews on Steam, but he this person didn’t want to play it on their own. So I told him that he was talking to the right crowd, and told him I’d play it, but he wanted me to stream it on the internet so he (and others) could watch.

So a few nights ago, I did an Unholy Live Stream on twitchtv (follow me at dvo_tron on Twitch), where I streamed myself playing this game for a few hours. I went in with basically no knowledge of what this game was about, other than it was a relatively crude game (think commodore computer graphics), and that there was some interface outside of the game.

As I started the game, I was lost within minutes. Admittedly I had some technical issues at first, but I was having difficulty finding my first “key” to advance into the game. I was walking around some rooms and things to no avail, but when I went to the end of the hall, I heard a creepy laugh, almost as if some effing demon clown had flipped a switch of some sort. And as it turns out, the nice, not-scary hallway now had blood dripping from the walls, and this instantly got creepier.

The good part was that I had multiple friends watching me play on Twitch (mad props to those who watched this debaucle) who were providing clues. But there was another user who I didn’t know, under the username “wh1teface.” And this guy helped me find my first key, that opened a door to the next step in this game. It actually didn’t dawn on me for a little bit that “wh1teface” was skeptically familiar with this game… as it turns out, I eventually ran into whiteface himself, in one of the creepier renditions of “Tag” I’ve ever played. I’m sure you’ll laugh, but so be it. Here’s a snapshot of the game in the parking deck area.

I told you the graphics weren’t great. But I must say, here’s what the game does well. You can only see about 10 feet in front of you. Everything else is pitch black (with some exceptions), but you really just don’t see things coming. And so while you’re stumbling around through the dark, running into pixelated corners, there’s a lot of scary sounds keeping you on edge.

Now for the bad parts. There’s some really frustrating parts to this game, and even wh1teface himself (who was almost certainly the developer of the game, and was helping guide me through the tough parts) admitted that some parts weren’t exactly well-liked, even from their perspective. For instance, there’s a level where you must navigate a large grid, trying to find some music boxes. But beyond the mono audio getting slightly louder, there’s really nothing guiding you through the seemingly massive maze. Oh, and there’s a ghost in there chasing you around as well.

One of the more interesting things about this game (which I touched on a little earlier) is that it’s very existential. That is, in order to advance through the game, you literally have to exit out of the game at some parts and go back in, but when you do re-enter the game, it’s in a different spot than when you left. And the game drops cryptic text files into a folder on your desktop to serve as clues for your next step(s). It’s a very interesting concept, and I liked it overall. But sometimes it was frustrating, especially as I was streaming the game, and the viewers were subjected to a lot of spinning screens as a result.

After a little over 2 hours into the game, I can say this. This game definitely made me jump a few times, and it definitely had some creepy moments, which is very impressive for how simple the game design is. It’s certainly not a “game of the year” contender, but for the purchase price of $2.99, you can’t complain too much. And where else are you going to play a game where the developer voluntarily watches your live stream and trolls you along the way?

I’m not going to give the normal rating scale for this iteration, but as an overall rating, I’d give this game a 3/5 shrunken heads. It’s scary in the right spots, and very off the beaten path in terms of normal game design. The crypic clues were good, and wh1teface trolling me multiple times as I got stuck or fell for one of the game’s tricks was pretty funny.

So that’s going to wrap up this brief review of IMSCARED. If you ever feel the desire to play a shorter PC game that will likely give you a few scares, this is worth the $3. So with that said, there’s a bunch more horror games out there, and Im not opposed to hosting a twitch stream again. So feel free to throw movie OR game ideas at me! I think the first stream was a success, and can only improve from there.

As the (so far) mild winter is coming to a close, I’m hoping to have some more scary stuff to review shortly. But still feel free to send me recommendations, and don’t miss hte next live stream! Details will be posted on Twitter, but don’t expect anything “that” soon.

And thanks again to everyone who supported this endeavor. It was a blast having you guys help me out! And also thanks to Whiteface, you undead trickster. No matter how many times you fooled me or killed me, you still made it fun.

Well I successfully took about a month off, but it’s time to re-open the doors to the Cathedral, kids. Welcome back yet again to the Unholy Cathedral, (hopefully) your source for all things that go bump in the night. This week we’re taking a look at Poltergeist, the 2015 re-make of the Craig T. Nelson (of Coach fame) film from the 1980’s.

I should start by saying that while many think of Poltergeist as a classic, I was never a big fan of the original. I think the original is more silly than scary, so I was hoping that this reboot would bring a modern approach and some legitimate scares… how’d it do? Let’s jump in.

Poltergeist is the story of a down-on-their-luck family who gets a great deal on a new house. Almost too good to be true, one might say. But they’re trying to get a fresh start with this new home. The good news? The place is in a nice, modern subdivision. The bad? The parents soon learn about a morbid history of their neighborhood at a dinner party, and when they return home, the kids are in real bad shape. At least those of them who are still there… Well damn.

Let’s jump behind the screen for A Closer Look

Villain: Evil Spirits trying to lure a young girl to them so they can find new life

How do I Stop Them?: Well… hopefully you’re smart enough to recognize a bad situation when you see it, and therefore can make conscious decisions about when you’re being tricked. But should you fall into this trap… I hope you’ve got a good friend who knows their paranormal stuff.

Lessons Learned: Well, if a house is selling for a price that seems too good to be true, there’s likely a reason for it. Ask the question, all you home buyers! And for goodness sake, if you have a family of 5 and both parents are unemployed, try just a LITTLE financial responsibility. Not that that has anything to do with being haunted. That’s just sound advice. And finally, if you move into a house that has random clown dolls hidden in a secret room behind a wall? GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Who Do I Watch With?: I’d recommend that if you’re gonna watch this one, it should be with someone who’s seen the original. Or just has a penchant for not-great horror.

Movie Trivia: The movie trivia this week is pretty sad, which I guess is par for the course with this one. But one of the lead actresses admitted in a Q&A that she’d never seen the original film until this one had completed production.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 3/10. Most of you know that I’m more into the paranormal movies than slashers, so this should be an easy win for me. But alas, the evil entity is just not scary whatsoever, and it’s also not very creative.

Scare Factor: 3/10. I had to conceded a few points. The “development” phase of the movie was actually decent, with a few creepy moments. But once the thing is revealed and we see the “other side,” it’s just not scary whatsoever.

Gore Rating: Clean Machete (0/5)

Not a drop of blood on that thing! Look at it, just glistening over there, waiting to hack up some unfortunate soul. It’ll have to wait for the next movie. Poltergeist holds back on the blood, as well as the scares.

Overall Rating: 0.5 Flatscreen Televisions

This one is pretty rough from start to finish. And they tried to put in some subtle “homages” to the original, but they really just invoke lots of headshaking and facepalming. The dad is trying to be a Coach. Sigh. And the school where he’s trying to become the coach? It’s named after the director of the original. Someone stick a fork in this one.

On a COMPLETE side note that is unrelated to this post, something else that needs a fork stuck in it– The Walking Dead. My crusade against this season is growing stronger. It’s awful.

In any case, tread carefully when it comes to Poltergeist. It’s got about 2 good moments. When you’re trying to market your movie based on a prop that’s used only in a few scenes, you’re doing it wrong. May I instead recommend Annabelle?

That’s going to wrap up this Unholy review. On another side note, I watched The Gallows last night, and Adam’s review a few months ago was pretty on-point. Mildly entertaining for a while, but the end was incredibly cheesy. I think I enjoyed it better than Poltergeist though. But there are more things scary coming, even in the Christmas season. So stay tuned for more Unholy Happenings.

Greetings again, kiddos. We’re LESS THAN A WEEK from the witching hour! And I’m slacking harder than ever! Many apologies for the lack of updates this month. Let’s see if we can do better this week. Last week, I saw the new flick currently in theaters, Crimson Peak, directed by Guillermo Del Toro. I’m a fan of his. Pan’s Labyrinth is very cool, and if you haven’t seen The Orphanage, I strongly recommend checking that one out this Halloween season. But this time we’re talking about his most recent film, so let’s dive right in.

Crimson Peak is the story of a young aspiring author, Edith, who lives in New York with her father. But when a charming aristocrat from Europe shows up in town looking for investors, she becomes smitten with him. He’s very mysterious, but has a charm to him. Nonetheless, Edith’s father clearly does not approve. But when his sudden death leaves Edith all alone, she finds comfort in her new love, and goes back to Europe with him… only to find dark secrets in her new home. We’re not in… New York any more.

Wipe of the blood, and let’s go in for A Closer Look.

Villain: **SPOILER ALERT** Devious siblings looking to bring a lovely lady back to their home…

How Do I Stop Them?: Well, for one don’t be completely naive. It’s very rare that two life-changing things happen at the same time, so maybe stop to consider that maybe those two things are related… Maybe this should be a lesson learned. But if you do fall victim to this, find a way to either get some help, or just get the hell out of there.

Lessons Learned: See above. This chick is dumb. Fo real.

Who Do I Watch With?: This one’s pretty tame overall A little bit of blood, but overall not too intense. It’s got a creepy feel, and Del Toro makes a decent film, so bring a date and enjoy this one.

Movie Trivia: The house in this film was built in its entirety, and all of the parts used to make it were obtained specifically for the house.. nothing was re-used or salvaged. Also, Neither of the two leading actors were the first selections for their respective roles. The first choices were Benedict Cumberbatch and Emma Stone.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 6/10. Del Toro does a good job of keeping the sinister side of the siblings subtle. Ultra alliteration combo achieved! But the characters have a very good mystique about them, and Jessica Chastain delivers a very strong performance as Lucille.

Scare Factor: 5/10. It’s not a walk in the park, as there are certainly some really cool, creepy visuals throughout. And a few “gotchas” along the way. But in terms of truly scary, Crimson Peak doesn’t hit the mark.

Gore Rating: Slightly Bloody Machete (2/5)

Like I said earlier, there’s not a ton of blood and guts here. But there is some very good use of color throughout the movie, as I’m sure you can guess, based on the film’s title. Not much that should make you nauseous though.

Overall Rating: 3/5 Bloody Women

Because British puns! I dare say that’s one of the creepier ratings scales I’ve used, and just in time for Halloween. Anyway, overall I enjoyed the movie. It’s got a pretty interesting story, some very beautiful sets and costume work, a lot of really cool color schemes, and pretty strong acting all around. Oh and did I mention the creepy spirits? Del Toro is a pretty imaginative guy, and it shows once again in Crimson Peak. I do think it could be a little scarier, and the latest trailers made it seem like we were in for a pretty scary time. Also, I was a tad disappointed at the ending, but it wasn’t a bad one by any stretch. The long story short is, this is a pretty cool movie if you’re looking for a dark flick. But if you’re looking for the scare-a-thon for Halloween week, this might not be what you’re looking for.

So that’ll wrap up this review. I hope you’re all getting your fill of horror this season, but if not, there may still be more to come here… and there’s an #Unholy party taking place in Aurora this weekend! The house is looking scary, and maybe I’ll put some pictures on here when it’s all said and done.

Well well… here we are in mid-October, and things are getting busy! I have a lot that I should blog about, including the rest of the Florida trip, a trip to a local haunt here in Chicago, and a visit to Six Flags’ Fright Fest! But this one is back to our roots… a nice scary movie to celebrate the Halloween season. I kind of took a chance on this one. I’d never heard of it before stumbling across a trailer for it a while back, and I saw Lena Headey (of Game of Thrones and The Purge fame) as the lead actress. Throw in what looked like potential for a pretty scary flick, and I was down to party on this one. So let’s get under the covers and take a look at this surprising film.

The Broken is the story of a young woman named Gina, who’s in a pretty good place in life. She has a new boyfriend, a loving father and brother, and works as a radiologist in London. But one night at a dinner with her family, something strange happens. A mirror seemingly breaks from the inside, all on its own. Thinking nothing about it, Gina and her family move on. But as the days pass, more mirrors are breaking, and that’s not all… her family is beginning to act strange; she’s seeing a woman who looks identical to her on the streets. And after a terrible car accident, Gina’s life is thrown into a deep spiral where nothing seems as it is, and her closest friends don’t seem very close any more…

Not scared yet? Let’s go in for A Closer Look

Villain: Sinister reflections that escape mirrors and assume the identity of their human counterparts

How Do I Stop Them?: Very tricky one here.. these things are tricky, and are certainly up to no good. Best bet is to keep an eye out for another “you” walking the streets, and if you do see him or her, KILL THEM.

Lessons Learned: Normally this is where I rag on the protagonist for being an idiot. And there’s certainly a joke about women drivers in this movie. But overall, Gina gets caught up very quickly in a bad situation, and understandably panics. So I guess the lesson is just this: if shit starts going haywire, seek help fast, rather than waiting for it to go further south.

Who Do I Watch With?: Well this is certainly an R-rated movie for some sexuality. But beyond that, this is a REALLY cool, pretty creepy movie. Grab an adult friend who’s down for a scary movie and enjoy the ride.

Movie Trivia: IMDB is slacking on this one! The movie’s actual title is spelled The Brøken, using a broken letter from the Norwegian and Danish languages. Also, the phones in the movie all have American rings, despite being set in London.

Rating the Flick

Villain: 10/10. I think what I like a lot about this movie is that the scariest part about the villains is that they’re just people. But not just normal people… they’re “us.” Somehow Sean Ellis is able to take what we originally see as friendly faces, and turn those same faces into pure terror. It’s very well done.

Scare Factor: 8/10. I definitely got creeped out a few times during this movie. There’s some really great suspense throughout, and some very creative camera shots make this a pretty disturbing film.

Gore Rating: Mildly Bloody Machete (2/5)

It’s really not too bad in terms of gore. There’s a moderately violent scene, but it’s not a head-turner. If violence makes you squeamish, you should be okay to see this one. But understand it’s not the gore that’ll get you…

Overall Rating: 4/5Creepy Mirrors

Yep, really really liked this one. The Broken premiered at Sundance Film Festival, and also won first choice at Horrorfest 2009, and I can understand why. This movie had just about everything you want in a good horror movie. It’s got really creepy bad guys, great suspense, and a pretty crazy plot twist at the end. The acting was pretty good for the most part, and as I said, some of the camera shots are just downright scary. This is an indie flick that didn’t get a lot of attention, but it’s making me want to try more of these underground movies. Very cool stuff. So if you’re looking for a scary movie this season and you’re able to get your hands on this one, it’s worth a spin.

That’ll wrap up this review, but again, there’s probably a bunch more to come, assuming I can get to work on decorating my house at some point! I’m playing catch-up at this point, but don’t worry… the Cathedral’s doors will be opening again soon. So stay tuned.