There is a discrepancy between what I feel is true and what I know is true.

What I feel is that my body is populated by other people; people who are alike yet different; with different needs, points of view, ideas, and biases: with different needs, points of view, ideas, and biases.

The pictures below show different skill levels in composition and photo-processing.

We knew nothing about photography, composition or Photoshop in 2009.

Over time our skills improved and we dispensed with reality based sets and backdrops since reality has no meaning for us, not in Second Life which
is little more than an extension of my inner world.

Mateo and Sara 2009Bob and Bobby 2010Mateo and Bobby- 2013The Narrator and Sara — 2013Bobby and The Narrator – 2014Bobby and Sara – January 2014Bobby and Matthew – 2013Bobby and Sara – February 2014Mateo and Sara – September 2014Bobby and Sara – January 2014Matthew and Sara – 2014

Things that are…fertilized (for lack of a better word) from the outside, yet grow on the inside. That’s how I see so many things. I always had a tendency to agoraphobia. Events of the past 8 years have caused it to bet pretty bad. I don’t pretend to understand everything you go through, but I have some idea. The reactions I get on the rare times I tell anyone… You seem to be doing well. Keep on “learning.” Hugs.

Yes. I have terrible agoraphobia. I use my camera and twitter to cope with it. I don’t expect that most people who don ‘t have DID can imagine to the degree of completely understanding what it feels like to live with it. As I’ve gotten better at managing it it feels less like chaos and more like sharing a dorm. I often don’t know what I’m thinking about until I sit down to write. Thanks again for the comment, Teagan!

This is amazing. Although they all are alternates they feel like a family, like one, like clearly belonging together. At least it appears to me that way. The pictures are amazing to introduce them and their relationships with each other!

You’ve hit that much referenced nail right in the head. Severely abused children, especially those who are imaginative and under the age of five, create a family for themselves. I can almost remember how this happened. But they are friends with each other and see each other as different people. What we don’t know about the human mind makes our cultures dismissal of the complex strategies that it uses to protect itself seem ignorant. At some point we will emerge from our profit driven stupor and rediscover that people are more than fleshy bags of rote behaviors.

:)…Some of these images were made before I was diagnosed. I honestly didn’t know what it meant when I looked at them. I could not figure out why the ‘characters’ I had written in my thirties had ‘decided’ to become dolls in Toyland. It’s a contemporary story that way. I don’t think I’ve met anyone else with a diagnosis of DID whose symptoms expressed themselves in VR, though I’ve met more than a few people in VR who say they have DID as part of a con who people who seem to have it
but don’t know it. The odd thing was that one of the alternates was in Second Life to find a cure for the DID. I’m glad I can help people who don’t have DID to understand it. It’s a confusing illness to have. Each of my alternates seems quite
normal, especially online where age and appearance isn’t a factor.

Wow, that amazed me what you said here that one of those alternates even lived second life. I truly can imagine how confusing DID is. Most of all since it appears so differently to the concerned people. So in some way it is more like different spirits incarnated in the same body…. at least meanwhile it sounds like that to me. But then again it is not an illness but simply a different “alternative” of incarnating. Wow!

If you’ve intellectually gotten past the psychological limit imposed by viewing DID only as a pathology then you may truly understand DID in a way that most people don’t. The biggest obstetrical in treatment are the alters that fear integration as death. They are unwilling to sacrifice their unique sense of themselves as real.

I just observed myself how I looked at DID and basically any mental “illness”. I noticed that I don’t see it as illness but as a different way of incarnating and living this life. That opens up a huge new field to explore! Everybody here is a scoop out of a soul pool. We are all mixtures! But how those mixtures are supposed to live is not something the human mind has to define! I believe that it is meant to be. The problem is not living this way but being allowed and accepted (understood) for living this way!

After I stopped going on SL, cold turkey which was like withdrawal for me, I went back on. I was never good at the technical part of it. I am not good with computers. But, I will tell you that some of the others did change the look of my avatar to fit them and would have fun on there.

The idea of having multiple accounts so they can talk to each other is really brilliant. I can see how that would really be helpful. I could never figure that out. SL kept changing and upgrading…but that would have been a great way for us to communicate. The only problem with it was the triggering things on SL for us. So, I stopped going on.

That is why I think this blog has been so helpful for us. I will tell you, there was one place I used to love on SL..it was a place to go dancing, that was my most favorite thing to do on there…and it had these trees that would have falling leaves and snow…I loved it so much I would go there every night. Then I found a picture, a GIF..of these trees with falling snow and white leaves that looked like where I switch into on our inside. It was then that I realized why I must have loved that place so much. It looked almost just like it.

I think how you use it is amazing. I always thought it was the most amazing place in the world or the darkest. Sometimes both on any given night. This is a great post.
CC

Oddly, dancing was one of my favorite things to do in SL. It was when my alternates began to have relationships in SL that my life went to hell. In retrospect it was a bit much for me to expect average people to understand that my alt accounts didn’t ‘feel like’ the same person to me. Many of the people I knew had alt accounts and some of them used them for less than honorable reasons. The other thing about SL culture was that deception
and theft were the norm. People used IP complaints as a form of harassment. So many members assumed that everyone was lying or playing some kind of
deceptive game.

That’s not to say that I didn’t meet good people or that in my ignorance regarding my own problems that I didn’t hurt people.

Eventually I realized that for me SL was an extension of my inner world. Because of the instability that comes with DID it’s hard for me to sustain online relationships.

The only way I can use SL without self-destructing is to avoid all contact with other members.

Yes, I pretty much agree with all of the above about SL.
I always kind of thought it was like RL only prettier, with super powers thrown in, lol. Eventually people showed themselves as who they were.

I have thought a lot myself about relationships and DID. Since becoming aware I had it. I have theories on this or that. Being extremely wounded and what that can do. I think it can actually make a person more receptive, compassionate, empathetic.

In turn, you are more self protective, or can be. Or you can be someone who draws the sort of people more apt to cause harm. That’s just one thought.

In the end, maybe it’s not always us, or even us most of the time. Maybe, there are just shitty people in the world. We just have to learn how best to navigate them in a way that works for us.

Well, this is probably the most I have commented on any blog at one time. Apologies for my rambling. Lol.
xx, CC

You describe what I did. I was able to forget that I was in a game which meant that I treated the other members as if they were part of my reality…in other words, I let them into the private part of my world, the inner world of my DID…and because they were gamers and as such not as connected to world of SL they saw either a sucker or a really bad gamer. In retrospect both. I have a childlike desire to share my toys and so I wanted to share my parcel and I wanted to collaborate with others and ‘play’ with all of the wonderful things SL had to offer. Gamers and narcissists look at people like me and see a source of supply.

In the end I’m glad it happened because I learned from it.

But there is something noxious about many of the members of SL. I found majority of them hypocritical, self centered, selfish, self serving and dishonest.

I can’t say that all of the membership is like that because I don’t know all of the membership. But in the 7 years since I’ve joined I’ve met only three out of maybe a hundred members who turned out to be genuinely decent people.

It may well be that anyone who goes into a gaming environment with the expectation that he’s going to meet people who will want to collaborate and play just for the pleasure of playing is going to get his ass handed to him.

I can’t say.

I do know this; the technology is wonderful. It’s a shame that the only mammal on the planet that can use it is a vicious naked ape that feeds on its own kind.

Thank you, Laura…I it a bit surprising that they can so often make their avatars ‘seem’ alive. I think there are perhaps 11…I’m pleased to say that the switching is less frequent not though I can tell that the SL alternates have an itch to ‘play’…

When the controversy over Rachel Dolezal first broke I thought of Mateo, who will tell you point blank that he’s Black…it’s interesting how the mind finds explanations for what it can’t comprehend along with possible solutions. The most curious aspect of Rachel Dolezal is that at no time did the press and her critics ‘see’ that her claim said more about her parents than it said abut her. I guess it’s more fun to self-righteously pile shit on someone than it is to think.

Thank you thank you. The artwork is stunning. You are one of the most fascinating people I have ever known. When I am done with the book I am writing and it is successful, and no one is doing it already, I would love to write your story. The degree of passion, emotion and diversity in your life is a story that should be told. You have an amazing family Robert. I realize this journey has been difficult, but at this point, if they integrated into one, in a way, wouldn’t it be lonely?

Frankly, I would love to have a collaborator…I can do anything but write my own story,,,There is no danger of integration….they won’t have it; what we’re working on is collaboration…one can live quite well with DID if the alternates collaborate. The real problem is when “war” breaks out…and it does happen….

if the seat of creativity is the subconscious mind (which i believe) when we reach into it we reaching into another world with which we cannot comprehend.

when the portal is open energy flows, creative energy that does something to us … it draws us close to the source … our neurons fire … we light up … we become more aware … the world means more …. SO…. each of the others have their own unique access since they are ‘real’ they all have different dreams ….. a lot of creative energy … just think how … i could go on all night about all of the ‘polars’ involve in all all of this. but there’s one thing i know. my creative flow … stems from a place deep inside of me. the closer i get to that place the more creative energy flows out of me. That world is hard to access because you can’t find it by searching for it. it has to find you … sometimes i feel there’s a doppleganger behind the veil and i used to talk to it when i had particular problems and wanted solutions … i think … hahaha …. wull … it’s interesting stuff and I love it but i have to reign myself in …. ta … ks