Okay so I’m a 20 year old virgin and I’m tired of waiting around to fall in love with some imaginary guy. I don’t hold any religious views on my virginity, I just figured I wanted to be in love when it finally happened. But, I didn’t expect to STILL be a virgin. I know it is ultimately my decision on whether or not I want to wait for that magical person, but I really do want to know…is virginity a big deal? Or is it something that just leads into a big deal? I’ve heard it’s better to wait, and then I have heard it is better to just get it over with. A big reason as to why it’s frustrating me is I work at a strip club as a cocktail waitress and sex is constantly being thrust in my face. I have someone that would be gentle with me if I chose to just get it over with, but is it too risky emotion-wise? Please help! Any and all advice is more than appreciated and gives me insight to what I should do about my situation.

“Virginity” is what you make of it. It’s actually a socially constructed term that used to be relevant when you could sell your daughter’s dowry to a potential husband that wanted her hymen to remain intact. *laughs* As you said yourself, some people think you must wait until you are in a relationship with someone you love or care about, while others want to get it over with. Why? Because it’s still a rite of passage for most of us.

I was about to turn 20 when I had sex for the first time. I’d known the guy for about 2 weeks and we were friends. After a party, we had sex. Then I came back to my home country and we remained Facebook friends, no emotional attachments at all. I believe I had so much curiosity on the topic (I started reading about sexual relationships when I was around 7) that I couldn’t wait for a boyfriend, like most of my friends did. It was liberating to go against the status quo, to be honest!

However, this might be different for you! Think about how you might feel afterwards if you have sex in a relationship versus with a friend or even a stranger. Do YOU think you should wait? Or do you want to do it already? Any choice is perfectly okay!

I agree with Victoria – virginity is just a social construct and what you make of it.

So let’s drop the “V” word for a second and talk about sex in general. What does sex mean to you? Or more importantly, what do you want it to mean? You can decide.

Is sex something two people do for fun because it feels good, is it an expression of affection and a sign of intimacy, or all of the above? There’s no right or wrong answer here. You just have to choose what you want sex to represent in your life.

Personally, I could have lots of sex with lots of women, have no regrets about it, and form no emotional attachments. However, I choose not to. I choose sex to represent a new level of intimacy in a relationship and I don’t pursue sex outside the pursuit of monogamous relationship.

The choice is yours. It’s a personal choice that you don’t need to share with anyone else and no one should judge you for your choice.

Continue to talk it out and make the choice with your heart, your head, and your gut all in agreement.

Whilst replies have been written in a double perspective, which is always appreciable, I think that it’s something that even if it means little to you, may mean an awful lot to the person you do one day marry

I believe that viewing it on a balanced spectrum will open you to emotional vulnerability towards doing so, and possible regret at a later date. On a moral perspective It’s hard to appreciate any one who would assist you in losing it, and would be far more commendable for them to prevent you from doing such a thing.. which simply can’t be taken back.. Stay aware of those who use comfort as a means of manipulation

Virginity is something that, when gone, stains the memory, irreversible.. in an emotional perspective. I believe that since your current stage of life and employment brings heavy impacts on your personal influences, you should keep sight to being aware of how it does. Our direct circumstances always effect our emotional charges towards subjects, often far different to the view points we would have when ‘out of the deep end’, so to speak

Be happy : ), I think without the heavy long term chemistry between another, love can often seem meaningless or forever unavailable to you, but one day, you could may well find that in the long term.. someone respects you and never asks of that from you, only issue being they’re a little hard to find.. but when you do, you’re onto something good

Just see it as how it effects people on an emotional perspective, as opposed to a value a person has, or social gimmicks, despite those things it genuinly has impacts on a persons feelings, as I’ve observed in both men and woman alike.

It tends to only mean nothing to those who think little of it, hence the double sided perspective, at the end of the day people will follow their emotional justifications towards things, but judging on Alex’s two threads I still found it important to weigh in a bias viewpoint

Simply because I know people can change so drastically based on their environment, seen it happen too many times, and too many people hurt, and I’ve found that giving yourself in to people such as the one who offered, tends to open gateways and vulnerabilities to people who later wish they were more detached from such vague yet impactful situations

However as you’ve both said, it still remains true that a person should follow whats important to them, or as you’ve put what they feel okay with, just as I say things should always be thought deeply into. Hence it’s why places like this are a small but good partition to view things through

Personally, I am so sick of this over-sexualised society and how they treat virginity among young adults as something shameful.

20-year-old female here.

I try not to feel bad about that, because honestly, at the moment I don’t want or need a relationship (I guess I’ve just seen and heard too much BS from guys and I need a break), and I can only imagine giving it up to someone in a committed relationship. Why should I feel bad that I don’t want to sleep around just to ”try it”?

But there are these people around me that keep on talking about virgins as if there was something terribly wrong and unnatural with them. This makes me lose the last remains of faith in humanity left in me.

I don’t want virginity to be a big deal. But obviously it is for a great number of people.

What I do is try to distance myself from those who make me feel inferior about the lack of sexual ”conquests”. I understand it’s more difficult in your case, since you’re working at a strip club. Isn’t there any possibility of finding a different job?

Apart from that, my advice would be – if you know that you are a sensitive person and may feel terrible if you go against your principles/needs/beliefs, then wait. I’d rather stay single than have sex with a person I don’t have feelings for. In the latter case, I know I’ll feel used. And I hate this feeling.

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