On today's Ask Sadie Show, we discuss one topic: Starman, the mannequin Elon musk launched into space in a car. Speaking of Musk … the year was 1973. Unbeknownst to the world, NASA sent one final Apollo mission, to broker a peace treaty with the aliens Apollo 17 had stumbled upon. Those aliens were muskier than a herd of yaks, and I told them so! They took offense, and I told them it's not my fault you're so thin-skinned! So that's why we haven't been back in fifty years. How was I to know they'd consider that racist?

You wanted to see me, boss? It's come to my attention Youtube demonetizes your videos … and that you're considering asking our patrons to subscribe to your channel so you'll meet the new Youtube threshold for monetization. Obviously, I cannot allow you to do this minion. Soliciting favors from patrons is highly unethical. Wait ... all I did was make a note of the idea on my phone. How did you know I was considering it? That's beside the point.

I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.

This is the Ask Sadie Show. You're on caller. What's your problem? Global warming. It's cold outside, and … stop it right there. Open a textbook. Learn the difference between weather and climate, you nincompoop! I can personally attest to our planet having gotten warmer over the last century. How old are you?

On today's Ask Sadie Show, I, Sadie Cohen, will discuss one topic: Marie Antoinette. Specifically, we'll talk about how, when the peasants of France were dying from bread shortages, she said … Let them eat one-time $1000 bonuses, so they wont notice that the aristocrats have all pocketed Louis XVI's massive tax cuts and are laying off peasants left and right. Pretty sure she's paraphrasing. I feel like cake, for some reason.

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! Government shutdowns. My girlfriend was angry I didn't send her a birthday card. So I said, I did! But the government shut down so the post office isn't delivering mail, babe. Guess what she said? The post office is funded by our stamps! It doesn't shut down, you horrible cretin! Yeah ... that is what she said. How'd you know? Next caller!

Today on the Ask Sadie Show, we'll be addressing one single topic: Mia Love. Specifically, we'll talk about how this Republican congresswoman of Haitian descent got so upset about President Trump asking why do we need more Haitian immigrants. Where was her outrage back when the president went after Mexicans, or Muslims, or when he stood with the tiki-torch-wielding white supremacist thugs in Charlottesville? Selective outrage is for ninnies! I like a person who's outraged all the time about everything! I'll take your stupid calls now!

This week on Youtube, I counted 150,360 comments beneath 178 "Star Trek: Discovery" reviews. That's amazing. Yeah. And 49% of those comments were people saying the show is unwatchable. 1% of the comments are people asking if the show's unwatchable, how come you've been commenting on every episode and you're still here at episode 11? 50% of the comments are praise for the show. 30% of that 50% of the comments is from people pointing out that they used to only be 40%. I'm not sure the math god sanction this usage of numbers.

Ask Sadie Advice Hour, what's your problem?! Jonathan Frakes. I was rewatching old Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes starring Riker, and Stop it right there!!! There was only one thing redeemable about Star Trek, and that was when that lovely Mr. Shatner would tear his shirt, revealing his golden, glistening pectorals. Did this Riker ever do that? I don't think he - Next caller!!

What's your question for "Ask Sadie"? I've been talking to â€¦ um â€¦ Tina for three whole weeks â€¦ Do you think it's too early to try and get her to move out her near me? Excellent question. The answer is, we're all barreling full-steam toward death and incontinence. So seize the moment!!! that's both depressing and uplifting at the same time.

I'm not sure the advice you gave me about Andrea Wheaton is working, Mr. Armstrong. Details. I asked her to form a romantic partnership, just like you said, where she'd be a 50% sharehoarder. Shareholder. She didn't bite? She threw the prospectus in the trash. If a girl throws your prospectus in the trash, she's not the girl for you.

Akron, oh, you're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! I'm thinking of not signing up for health insurance this year. Good idea. In my day, there was no such thing as health insurance. If you got sick, you paid for it with either money or chickens. That's if you were a lily-livered coward who just had to see a doctor. When great-great-grandmother Cohen had her sixth heart attack, she just applied a poultice made of chestnut leaves and flour and kept on plowing.

Boss? Why've you been calling me "Sauron" all day? It's a hero's journey thing. Step 8, to be exact: The Ordeal. In the ordeal, the hero of the story faces a pivotal test of either strength or will. In Lord of the Rings, the ordeal was the face-off with Sauron. But why'd you start calling me that right after I asked for a raise? Denied, foul beast! ... Now, let me check my bank account for Step 9: The Reward.

Welcome to Ask Sadie. You're on, Vancouver. What's your problem? I met this really cool guy who makes my toes go numb â€¦ but I'd already been talking to another guy. The thing is, I want them both. Is that selfish? Excellent question. This reminds me of the time I went to the Sizzler salad bar. I wanted both the ranch dressing and the vinaigrette. So what I did was, I poured both of them all over my lettuce at the same time. Metaphor. No, just two. Wait ... what?

How was your oatmeal, Sadie? Is everything good? Can I get you anything else? Wait a second, what's that flapping? Somebody, run to the window and tell me if you see a pack of hogs flying by! Has the sky fallen? Has hell frozen over? Has the sun risen in the west? Have chickens grown teeth? Has a donkey climbed a tree? This is the first time in 16 years that you've bothered to ask me how my meal's going, is what I'm saying, you worthless baboon! I wonder why.

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. Weepy in Wisconsin, you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java.net cybercafe. I just read the most beautiful poem ever. It's called On Children, by Kahlil Gibran. I have two babies myself, and after reading that, I just can't stop weeping. When your babies are teenagers they'll wreck your car, steal your watch, and be ashamed to be seen with you. There. Have you stopped crying yet, loser? Still crying. Different reason. You're welcome. Next caller!

Welcome to the "Ask Sadie" radio hour. You're on, Detroit. What's your problem?! I just got popped for speeding. $300 ticket. I just found out that Congress paid out millions of taxpayer dollars to settle their own sexual harassment cases. Why do I have to pay when I do something wrong, but when congressmen do something wrong, I still have to pay? This reminds me of the time I didn't care what the caller had to say.

Welcome to the "Ask Sadie" radio hour. You're on, Kenosha. What's your problem?! I'm a grad student pursuing my PhD. in robotics. Under the recent tax plan that passed the House, I'd have to count my tuition waiver as income, even though I never received any actual money. This would put me in a higher tax bracket and I'd have to drop out because I could never afford to pay those taxes. Good riddance, Poindexter. Science is nothing but gobbledygook anyway. Studies have shown that's not the case.

I forgot to tell you "Happy Black Friday." What do you mean, Billy? Isn't that your holiday? Um â€¦ you're asking me that because I'm a merchant â€¦ Right? I guess so. Oh. That's good. I was about to ask "what are your parents teaching you?" What part of Africa do "merchants" come from?