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An innocent enough question….or so I thought. Apparently the tradition of assuming the male’s surname is a big deal. I mean a BIG deal! I initially posed the question to a close friend, just to get his opinion. After receiving his opinion and not finding solace in it, I posed it to several other male friends, the result was not surprising. I assumed the answer across the board would be that they would be offended – that doesn’t bother me, but when I got into the weeds of WHY it offended them, well that bothered me.

So first, let me put out this disclaimer, I’m not against women taken their husband’s last name. I too may take my husband’s name if I ever make it to that point in life. Secondly, I only posed the question in respect to my career. In the career realm, I think I’d like to continue associating with the name I already have out with the public (only on a small amount of articles, but that’s beside the point).

Ok, back to these responses. One guy – let’s give them names – we’ll call him Grumpy responded by saying that if his girlfriend said she wouldn’t take his name he’d “dump her on the spot.” Another guy, Doc, said his wife “can be as feminist as she wants but I’d like her to have my name.” Dopey said “YES! [he’d be offended] Men pass on the last name. Finally, Sleepy said “Nope.” The answers didn’t surprise me, typical for males, but the reasoning behind their answers, I just couldn’t get behind. Dopey went on to explain that men are the head of the households and that the entire world follows this tradition, so basically it’s only right. Grumpy said he wouldn’t waste his time on a proud femme and that it comes off as her being too good for his name and selfish.

Naturally I have problems with both of these views. Not because they are wrong, this is their prerogative, because I just don’t agree with it. Here’s why:

I believe that men are no longer the resounding “head of the household.” In some cases yes, but times are changing. The shift is very prevalent, where more women are working, more women are becoming the breadwinners and more dads are becoming stay at home dads. For me, this shift doesn’t automatically mean that women should reject their husband’s last name; it simply means that this isn’t a valid basis for an argument.

Keeping your last name is not selfish. Ok, maybe just a tad but I don’t see how being selfish with YOUR name transcends into selfishness in the relationship. Coming from a career driven woman, my name is my pride and joy – when it comes to work. If my name is on it for me it shows that I’ve accomplished something, I’ve broken through some barrier, it’s mine. Yes, you can argue – well your husband’s name can be yours…true…but since I honestly don’t plan on getting married until well in my 30s, my husband’s name is some foreign thing that hasn’t been through the long years of colleges, the long hours of job applications, or the nonstop work days – it doesn’t have the pride attached to it as it is attached to my maiden name. Hey, this is just my opinion though. Now back to selfishness in a relationship, this one small act really holds no weight on truly selfish people. I can be selfless and a team player and still keep my name. I can honor my husband and the household while still holding on to the thing that identifies me to people.

Tradition. Pfft. Let’s talk about tradition. What is tradition? It is a belief or behavior passed down in society. The thing about tradition is that it is not set in stone. With every new generation, with every new advent of technology, there is a slight change in tradition. Don’t believe me? Check out this list of “traditions” that are no longer in practice. Deviating away from tradition is natural, I’m sure if you sat down and thought about it, there are some “traditions” that you too have deviated from, and if you have…then in my opinion you can’t use tradition as an excuse, or else I’ll label you a hypocrite. Yep, I give labels like a boss. Deal with it.

Now in my discussions, I decided to do a little side research, to see what the people of the interwebs thought. It seems to be a pretty evenly split, both sides citing “tradition,” “feminism,” and “solidarity” as reasons why or why not to take on the surname of the husband. Some say it’s an outdated practice; others say it shows the true commitment to the marriage. I don’t know what’s right. According to Doc, traditions is one of those things without reason or logic, it’s just an accepted societal norm. Ok, I can buy that, but I don’t have to agree. I realize we all play a part in perpetuating gender and class roles and that it’s hard to break away from the mold, but I just pose the simple question of “why?” Why are so many things that we accept, ok? Personally I don’t think it’s fair for the woman to have to give up her last name, a part of her identity just to gain another. However, I’m always interested in a good reason. If you have a good reason as to why women should take her husband’s last name – that doesn’t include: preventing confusion, respect, oneness, etc. then I’m all ears.

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I do not wish to be buried in the ground. I am not rooted in this earth. But I want my ashes to flow freely in the wind and on the waves of oceans…so that I have no final resting place. So that I am infinite.

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NO disrespect to the lovely moms who love staying at home changing poopie diapers and wiping snotty noses…but I’m curious if this is actually an irresponsible choice for yourself and your child?

Here are my reasons:

What if something happens to your significant other and you are now the sole provider for the family? After years of not having any professional experience how would you go about supporting your family? Sure you can get a job, but as bad as the economy is, I don’t think people are rushing to hire people who have been out of the game for years?

In this uber feminist society, what message do you think you’re sending to your children? To your boys, it’s ok for a woman to stay at home and tend to the house and children while the man goes out and financially provides for the family? Somehow implying that the woman is inferior to the man. To the girls, to look for someone who will provide for her, that it’s ok not to pursue a career because staying at home is more important.?

I’m assuming if you stay at home, your kids stay at home too. Right? I dunno. I feel this may hinder the child’s ability to integrate and socialize with other kids. Like, they could be so attached to that mom, that being with a large group of kids may be intimidating.

I’m sure staying at home with the kids is great, you don’t miss the first word, the first steps, the first “whoknowswhat” and I’m sure it makes your feel superior to other mom’s who have to work to help support the family…but is all that really necessary? I just think, if I’m lucky enough to find a guy who makes enough money so that I don’t have to work, I’d still find a way to work. I’d have a business at home, or do something to stay relevant in case God forbid something happened to my husband.

Now before you get defensive, please don’t take this as criticism, I’m only curious. I’m actually really curious, it may be that I just don’t understand the joys of motherhood. I’m just an unmarried graduate student without any kids.