[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.]

Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?

(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)

Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]

Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?

(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')

Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?

Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)

Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?

Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.

Ross: When?

Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.

Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!

Ross: Please.

Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...

Ross: Right.

Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.

(She kisses him on the cheek)

Ross: Uh-oh...

(...Then full on the mouth)

(Enter Joey)

Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown—it's Ross.]

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)

Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

Joey: Right. No big deal.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!

Ross: What code?

Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...

(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?

Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!

Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!

Ross: He didn't get the goggles!

Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.

(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)

Rachel: Goodbye, baby.

Paolo: Ciao, bela.

(They kiss. Ross is watching them)

Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?

(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)

Joey: So are you gonna tell him?

Ross: Why would I tell him?

Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.

Ross: Oh...

Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!

Monica: ...What did I ask?

[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?

Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?

Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?

Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.

Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]

Chandler: Oh my God.

Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.

Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?

Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.

Chandler: What?

Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-

Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?

Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.

Ross: Thanks, man, big help.

Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?

Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I-

Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.

Ross: I know-

Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)

Ross: Chandler-

Joey: Me neither, y'know what-

Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.

Joey: What are you mad at me for?!

Ross: Chandler-

Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)

Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?