Like much of the country I have been watching the Brett Kavanaugh story unfold. I have watched Dr. Christine Blasey Ford come forward with her story. I have listened to each accuser’s story. I have listened to every defense. I have done research and studied video of the people involved. All to come to one conclusion.

I really fucking hate this country.

It is clear that a significant portion of this country has no sympathy for women or respect for logic or reason. They would rather put an alleged rapist on SCOTUS than let him suffer the just punishment for his crimes. They would rather put that rapist on SCOTUS to help them control women’s bodies than let him go to prison and let his body be controlled by other men.

And, just so no one is thinking I am trying to be coy about this, I am talking about that good old boys club the GOP and their fucking cult of regressive neanderthals. They have over played their hand and given lie to every statement about being for family or morals or patriotism or – their favorite thing to tote – Christian. They have revealed themselves to be bigoted, misogynistic ghouls who care only about hanging on to power – and their supporters? Have they risen up in disgust at this? No. Of course. They cheer it and scream against their made up boogeyman version of “the libs”. They gleefully attack the women coming forward even as the scream, “Why didn’t you come forward sooner?”

You. You are the reason women don’t come forward. Every time they do you rake them over the fucking coals. You destroy their lives and call them liars and whores. You claim they do it for some imagined fame – because death threats are so fucking glamorous – or some vindictive streak – when the most vindictive thing I can imagine is attacking women speaking up about rape. You scream about false allegations of rape when all evidence says that about 6% of all rape allegations are proven false. And then you all say the thing that turns my seething anger into a rage that I can barely contain. A rage that even now has my hands shaking as I chain smoke in the small office I have locked myself in.

You say some variation of “If we let this stand then all men should be afraid.”

This isn’t in the vein of “Shouldn’t all men be afraid of committing sexual assault?” – which they fucking should – but in the way of “Shouldn’t all men be afraid of being falsely accused by women if we listen to them now?” And, for the record, fuck any piece of shit who makes this argument. This is the penultimate statement of rape culture in my eyes. Imagine having the gall to say that it is a danger to all men to believe survivors of sexual assault. It’s insane. There is no logic to it. It is simply an attack upon survivors of sexual assault. Nothing more. It is another assault upon them. It is salt in the wound.

I honestly cannot imagine what it feels like for these survivors to hear that message. I have never been in their shoes and my own empathetic faculties are …limited. All I can do is share my own experiences. The ones that drive my rage. I have never been sexually assaulted but I know many women who have. Women who I will not name here because it is not my place to out them. That is their decision – not mine.

But I remember vividly being restrained while a drunken group of frat boys had their way with her. I remember hating being too weak to help her. I remember crying for the last time with a knee in my back.

I remember a father taking out his rage and frustration on his wife and child. Teaching her to never trust and making sure she would never know how to recognize trustworthiness in anyone. And teaching the son how to be a better monster.

I remember a girl crying outside a high school – a girl I didn’t and still don’t like – because the police told her it was a school matter and the school told her it was a police matter and she still had classes with him. I remember putting him in the hospital and going home to wash blood off of my hands. I remember never feeling any remorse. I did what our society wouldn’t.

I remember her coming to me after the attack and wanting to be with me to wash the feel of his hands off of her.

Mostly I remember the pain on their faces. The bravery it took for them to face the world knowing it would not support them. That it would attack them. Knowing it would not support them.

What is wrong with us as a nation? I am not a good person. I am a schizophrenic. I have ASPD. I feel contempt for most of the human race. So why am I one of the few men extending my hand to these women? Why don’t I feel the fear that these other men do when they see men paying for their actions? The answer in the end is simple.

I am not a rapist. I will not debase women. I will not inflict violence upon them. And I will bleed to stop others from doing those things. At the end of the day I have only one thing to say.