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Flares Used To Prevent Roosting In William T. Young Library

LEXINGTON, KY-

Autumn brings cool air, falling leaves, and freshman girls pining for romance. However, the natural unhappy state of these lovelorn creatures was interrupted when this year’s K Book announced that the fifth floor is the “best place on campus to get a date.”

Since the arrival of pumpkin spice lattes, freshmen have flocked to the library to make nests on the fifth floor.

Librarian Sylvia Snow is perplexed about the fifth floor’s new romantic significance.

“There is a rather risqué quilt collection up there, but in my experience college students are typically more attracted to yarn-based textiles.”

Ornithologist Harold Schmidlapp offers a more scientific explanation.

“Because pumpkin spice lattes are nearby, these freshmen have all they need to survive–food, drink, happiness. The droves start with the classic buddy-system approach of two’s and three’s arriving at the same time, then settling down to build their nests of Pulitzer merchandise. When one individual begins to feel threatened by the diversity of the prints in another’s nest, she will collect more objects and more friends to build her fortress.”

Consequently, the library now resounds with both chattering and twittering as migrants take to their friends and their phones. Additionally, tumbleweeds composed of coffee sleeves have been ricocheting off the walls, and Snow reports that they have already toppled one bookshelf.

Campus officials were forced to take drastic measures. State wildlife specialists began setting off flares inside the library to disperse the swarms last week. It is too early to tell whether this method is effective, but some patrons have voiced complaints.

Several librarians were mauled when a flare accidentally upset one target’s latte, and one Lilly Pulitzer print has been entirely obliterated under similar conditions.

According to Snow, several freshmen have been roasted alive after being trapped between the moving bookshelves during a barrage of flares. However, the number of deaths caused by the flares has yet to exceed the normal number of deaths caused by the moving bookshelves, so campus officials are not concerned.

Students should note that the loud, sudden noises caused by the flares are intended to incite cheerfulness about the university and are entirely different from the loud, sudden noises intended to incite panic for a spot of Sunday evening fun.