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I have a natural tendency to dramatically explain how much I hate
Thanksgiving. There is a slight lie behind that - I don't hate thanksgiving, I
hate the thoughts and feelings that Thanksgiving stirs up, I hate that I miss
out on so many memories and traditions, I miss the joy and excitement that used
to lead up to Thanksgiving, I miss the late night (we are talking 4am) skipping
through the neighborhood with my cousins, I miss the close relationships I had,
and I grieve Thanksgiving. I don't hate Thanksgiving, I just hate what it
brings up for me.

In addition to the anxiety and fears associated with
Thanksgiving, there is so much guilt behind it. I have not participated in
Thanksgiving since 2008, and that makes me feel like a horrible and a selfish
person. I have shared tidbits here and there about why I don't participate, and
these reasons have definitely transformed over the years. In 2009, I was
terrified of being seen and interrogated on my weight, and then having to
sit at a table and eat (or not eat) in front of people who would obviously be
curious and judging everything on my plate. It's 2016, and my reasons for not participating are
different.

Let me just clarify, I do not hate Thanksgiving, I wish more
than anything that I could find the strength again to even welcome myself into
the house during the holidays. I do not hate my family, I miss the strong
relationships I used to hold with them, and the laughter we shared, and I still
do love my family more deeply than ever. I have changed and transformed into a
different person than I was 8 years ago. I am stronger in many ways, I am self
aware, I am insightful of what I'm thinking, I am open and honest, I am compassionate and loving, and I challenge
myself where I can. Yet in other ways I feel more lost, especially when it
comes to the holidays.

To help you understand, I am going to try to explain some of
the reasons that the thought of even being PRESENT during Thanksgiving makes me
physically sick and terrifies me.

We will start with the most
trivial of them all - Food. We always say eating disorders
are not about food or weight, but let's be honest, food is definitely a
component of an eating disorder, you can't deny that. If I could choose
exactly what I was going to eat (and it had nothing to do with
Thanksgiving food), prepare it without anyone in the kitchen surrounding me,
and eat it in the privacy of my room, maybe that would ease the anxiety. Being in an
environment where EVERYTHING is about food, socializing over preparing
meals, the family's "oyster" traditions, talking about food
non-stop, the continuous aroma of foods that freak me out. I honestly can
not handle that. Several years ago, I would have pinpointed it to not
being able to be seen with food, and while I still have some anxiety about
eating around others, it is not nearly as debilitating as it used to be. I
can eat in front of people, but I can't imagine eating in a chaotic
environment surrounded by 40+ people, nor going through a line and having
to choose IN THE MOMENT what to put on my plate. Decisions like these are
extremely anxiety inducing.

Another trivial one - Talk
and Comments. I think my family has gotten more considerate
about what they say around me, but let's be real, you can't completely
avoid the diet/food talk. When conversations about weight, calories,
diets, and good/bad foods come up, it is overwhelming and triggers so many
thoughts. In my mind, everything you are saying is wrong. I want to scream
at you and tell you, "There are NO BAD FOODS!" and
"Everything is okay in moderation!" Talk likes this makes me
want to tear my hair out, so I feel inclined to leave the room. And then
there is the fear of comments. The "You look so
good," or "I'm so proud of how well you're doing." I
completely understand that there is nothing but good intentions behind all of
these, but I can not even tell you the whirlwind of irrational thoughts it triggers.

Associations. I
have so many bad associations with Thanksgiving over the past few years,
mostly brought on by my own behavior. Memories of locking myself in my
room all weekend with the lights out while shoving dressers against the
door out of fear that my existence would be noticed. All the
Thanksgiving's I have missed out on. All the memories of the thoughts that
swarmed through my head during holidays. Those still haunt me, and those
same thoughts start to take over.

Relationships and
Engagement. Things have changed, let's be real. I am
definitely a happier person than I was X years ago, I have pride in the
person I have created myself to be. That does not change the fact that I
have broken many of those relationships, and they will never be what they
were before. I have no doubt that my immediate and extended family still
loves me, and I still love them, but the free-spirit and energy in our
relationships has shifted. And there is so much sadness and loss
that I feel surrounding these relationships, because seeing my cousins
over Thanksgiving in the past was the highlight of my year. This could be my
perception, but I feel like there is a lot of walking on eggshells.
"What can we say to Sarah?" "How is Sarah doing?"
"She looks good, is she going to sit down with us for Thanksgiving
this year?" There are a lot of questions unasked and
unanswered.

Regression. It's
hard to explain, but whenever I am surrounded by people who knew me or had
experienced me at my worst times, I naturally begin to regress to that memory
they had of me. It's like a natural instinct to conform to their
expectations (which is silly, because I sm not who I was then, and they
probably don't even have any expectations of me). My past experiences take
over, and begin to define me. I feel the need to sneak around after
everyone is in bed so I can pour that cup of coffee, or hide away some
food to get me through the next day. I again can't be seen, especially in
the kitchen or the presence of food. It's weird, because I can be with
several extended family members, and I'm okay. But the holidays bring it
all back again.

I know all of these reasons mentioned above seem minimal and silly, but I
can't even explain the anxiety that consumes by body even beginning to think
about Thanksgiving. In addition to the above, there's the guilt of not being
able to participate, and this fear that feels so real that I will never again
be able to participate in Thanksgiving because I can't create the strength in
myself to push through my fears and anxieties. It honestly seems impossible to
me.

I'm not looking for encouragement or "You can do
it!"s, I honestly just want to be heard, and maybe provide some understanding
that I'm not as selfish as I may seem. I want people to know that I don't hate
Thanksgiving, even thought I say I do on a daily basis. And most of all, I want
people who I love and care about to understand that my inability to participate
in Thanksgiving has NOTHING to do with lack of desire or not loving my family.