Author. Walker. Badass.

hospital

I know I told you all about my Mommy falling and getting hurt because that is when I discovered she had a potty mouth. But what I didn’t tell you is that she also had a really good concussion from the fall. Now if you have never dealt with anyone with a head injury, it can be a little frustrating. You see, head injuries repeat themselves quite a bit. They can’t help it and they are not aware they are doing it. It is part of the injury to the brain. I always tell the parents of my patients that this is normal and it will pass but as the daughter of the patient, it was hard. I didn’t realize how hard it was being a family member of someone with a head injury. I didn’t want to get frustrated with my Mommy because it wasn’t her fault she couldn’t remember. To make it easier, I decided to have some fun.

After she fell, my Mommy was in the ICU and I got down there the next morning after her accident (there had been a wicked snowstorm the day before and the freeways had closed so I wa unable to get there sooner). She luckily knew who I was (not always the case) and who BFF was so that was good. I knew I would need to be down there for a bit, so I proceeded to move in to my Mommy’s apartment and stay with her during the day. The first day or two were rough as Mommy asked about every 15-30 minutes what had happened. It went something like this”

Mommy: “Where am I? What happened to me?”

Me: “You had a nasty fall Mom. You are in the hospital and you broke some bones.”

Mommy: “Oh yes. I remember now. ” and then she would proceed to talk about something else for 15-30 minutes.

15 minutes later….

Mommy: “What happened? Where am I?”

Me: “Remember Mom, you fell and broke some bones. You are in the hospital.”

It was a never-ending and tiring situation. To make it easier, I decided to make it a little more fun on my end. I mean, she wasn’t going to remember what I said so what did it matter, right? The next time the conversation went like this:

Mommy: “What happened? Where am I?”

Me: “Mom. Aliens abducted you. They took you up in their spaceship and probed you. You had to come to Area 51 to get checked out, but it is a secret military hospital so we have to stay quiet.”

Mommy (whispering): “Oh my goodness. Do you think they will come back for me?”

Me (trying not to giggle): “Do you want them to?”

Mommy (still whispering): “Well, no! But we better not talk about it in case the room is bugged. I sure don’t want to be probed again. That could not have been comfortable.”

I know you may think I am a horrible daughter, but after so many hours of being asked the same question over and over, I really just needed some comic relief. It worked for awhile and I think she fell asleep for a bit. Then when she woke up…

Mommy: “What happened? Where am I?”

Me: “You ran away and joined the circus Mom. You fell off the tightrope and broke some bones. Luckily, the Strong Man carried you here and the clowns called me.”

Mommy: “No why would I do that? That is stupid. Are you fucking around with me?”

Me (deadpan serious): “Mom. Would I ever do that?”

Mommy (glares over at me): “Yes. Yes you would. I don’t believe you.” The nurse walks in and Mommy looks at her “Did I really fall off a tightrope at the circus like my daughter says?”

Nurse (horrified and trying not to laugh as she looks at me): “Did you really tell her that?”

Me (not at all ashamed): “Yup. What? She isn’t going to remember in 15 minutes anyways.”

Nurse (shaking her head turns toward my Mommy): “I am sure whatever your daughter tells you is correct.” I start giggling uncontrollably and have to turn away. I mean bravo to the nurse for playing along. My Mommy caught on to that one and smacked me. but 15 minutes later…

Mommy: “What happened? Where am I?”

Me: “Ummmm. Well, you decided to take up break dancing. As you can see, that didn’t turn out so good for you Mom.”

Mommy: “Guess I shall have to cancel those lessons then.”

Me: “I already did Mom.”

I can now hear the nurse outside my Mommy’s room laughing as she listened in while she was charting. At least she didn’t think I was terrible and found it funny. Because 15 minutes later…

Mommy: “What happened? Where am I?”

Me: “Mom, remember how we talked about that sex position I didn’t think you should try? Well, I was right. Look what happened.” I hear even more laughter from outside and from more than one person so I am assuming the nurse has called her co-workers over.

Mommy: “Yup. What made me think I could do that anyways? That was dumb. Remind me never to get some wild stupid idea again.”

Me: “You got it Mom. Check Nascar off the list of career choices.”

I think you get the point. Luckily, the episodes got fewer and fewer as the day progressed, although she still doesn’t remember a lot of what happened and that is ok. Brains are weird that way. I don’t know if I would recommend this method as a nurse, but let me tell you, it sure made those first few days a lot more enjoyable and made me, my Mommy and the nurses laugh. A lot. And sometimes in times of stress, you need a little laughter. Every 15 minutes.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did have to come up with new reasons my Mommy was in the hospital every 15 minutes, but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl whose Mommy even with a head injury knew I was fucking around with her Running. The experiment continues…