If u're looking for rational thought, this may not be the place for u. Am a rambler and I ramble at will, with no apologies. You will encounter non linear indulgences, emotional outbursts and personal extravagances.
But, be my guest.
I may become the reason u have fun with urself.
A wannabe movie maker, an adhoc writer, a self proclaimed poetess, an experimental cook and a near obsessive passion player....rock with me

Monday, April 24, 2006

Being Obese - Day 6 of the 12th YearHave I been able to stop eating like theres no tomorrow ??? I guess, to some extent, I can dishonestly say, Yes. Dishonestly, coz the reason I've been eating less is coz I don't feel hungry.

I still haven't left Pan Parag. As I told my boss today, the one big reason I want to change my job is that I would feel apologetic in eating Pan Parag their in front of my professional environment. Its not that I like the taste. God alone knows why I can't give it up.

I really don't think much. So its not as if I'm stressing myself out thinking about my life and I substitute the pain and angst with food and pan parag. I've always been a doer versus a thinker. I don't think, coz it just branches out the problem into miniature shoots and then I'm screwed .

This way there is one issue I am unhappy. There ideally should be one solution, to make that issue into a non issue. And, that, should be controllable.

In the case of my increasing mass, the solution is evident and completely controllable. Yet, I find difficulty in comprehending it.

Anyways have promsed myself not to keep hitting myself. Only 10 pan parags today till now & not much to eat.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Just a small preface to this one. Usually I never write qualifiers for my poems. I believe the strength of a poem lies in its relationship with its reader. So I may be writing about what I think I'm writing about but u maybe living it in a different manner. But this one is special.I wrote this one when I was 15 I think. It is completely autobiographical and happened to me when i was all of 10 and living in a place called North Tees in England with my parents. My parents are Doctors and both of them used to work in a hospital which was next door. There was a library in this hospital and I used to live there. There was a candy shop right next to the library and I used to buy these amazing mice shaped white chocolate candies from there. And , on one such Monday I met racism.........

A blue-white MondayFull of tang,Ironically!Walking with eager steps,Tasting the anticipationOf biting into each mice,So deliciously sweet.I felt itBefore I heard it."Nigger""Blackie"Spit on my faceThat too,In my domain.Infront of my corner shop,In the hospitalWhere my father once worked.

I Act

The heart of a childIt knows not what to fearI fretted about my miceBut, stoically stood my ground.Rubbed the spit on my faceWith the tears that fell.

The strength ofAn audacious dewdropHanging on for dear life.The ego of a blemish,A tearThe might of its mere existenceTo clashAnd,thenDisintegrate.

I, still,Bought my miceBefore walking away.

I Know

TodayI still taste the miceBeforeI feel the painThe logic of a child,Not always in vain…It stillIs the hospitalWhere my father workedMy father did not changeDoes home ever change?A part of me,Just,A heartbeat away

The past never creeps up on me.I live,And reliveEach cornerI took.And wonder,What would have beenHad the wall not been there…The past does not tell.I gnaw at it with fingers raw with longing.It denies me what’s mine.“No heart”, I scream.“No heart? And me?” says my past“You must be out of your mindOr soulOr do you want me to lie?”“Those walls were never thereThe corners you always assumed”That heart you talk about mostIs the heart “you” never had……The truth you want to hearFrom meRuns deep within yourself.“The truth is forever the destinedAndIts destiny is to be deniedTo merge with bloodAndThen appear to want to be called white”

I refuseTo be drowned.Drawn into a vortexOf a multiplicity of voices,To be made to doubtTo,Believe inWhat I know,For certain,Not to be.I stand by my belief.I believe in God.In each moment I loseAnd,In every tear I gain.Within me,God liesWaiting for a summon.Not to act as a saviourBut,To remind me,That, he is human too.That,what I have with youIs love.A meeting of two souls,An amalgamationOf their separate wills,Fusion into one.The need of a touch redundant.The echo of a feeling desiring it,Resonating,Reverberating..

Its with great relief that I sit with myself today. I finally have someone to talk to. Its difficult getting one to find a shrink even when one has decided to see one.

I am a 110 kgs or nearing it. That means that I'm all of double the weight I should be. Ideally. I would also categorize myself as a "Food Monster" I 've heard that the best way to start the healing process is to admit. So this is a venture into pop psychology. Its also an appeal to all friends and reader of this blog to help me cure myself. I've always been tried and found guilty for being too open with people around me. However, I'm being true to my character and eliciting help and support from all.

I had the most amazing thought yesterday.

Last nite some friends had come home for dinner and we got onto discussing meditation and what it means to each of us. The consensus was that the best way to meditate was to think of ur past day before sleeping in the nite and ur future day post waking up in the morning. And, everyone very sagely nodded their heads. (Listen, am really not trying my hand at sarcasm here. its just that I really don't think such generalised learnings work for me).

But to come back to the point, I thought , really thought on what I say to myself or do before going off to sleep and post waking up in the morning. Every night for the last few yrs, my eyes close to one thought, tomorrow is another day and i'm not going to abuse my body with food, not this time. And I wake up each morning to the commitment that today is D Day. No garbage. No food. and by the time I'm done getting ready for office , i'm done with my commitment too. I hoard on breakfast that cuts straight to the flab and postpone for another day.

I've often questioned myself why I put myself through the pretense of promising myself something I don't want to make an effort for. Coz thats what it amounts to at the end of the day. Its not that I don't want to do it, its just that I don't want to make an effort. It hits hard coz that has never been an issue with me. I make an effort for the most ridiculous of things. I try and make possible situations that my loved ones want to bring upon themselves. So why does it not hit me that these same loved ones cannot see me dying this way.

Till a few yrs back I was fat. Not obese. And I was conscious of the fat. Because I wanted to look good.

Today I'm obese. I think medically I'm reaching a milestone offering called - Morbid Obesity. am conscious of the fat. Because I cannot not be conscious of it. Movement is cumbersome. Walking is an effort and the mirror has become my worst enemy. Still what do I do?? I eat some more...........

As usual. today is another day of postponement..........will come back soon with more.........