Monday, April 29, 2013

Boy, we sure were in a sea of blue for “The Flood” last night. Once we started naming everyone who wore blue at some point, we couldn’t stop (Harry was a notable exception, OF COURSE). He’s really been moving steadily down in our favor, residing now toward the bottom of the shit list (see our flow chart of hatred here). In this episode, we got to see everyone deal with the tragedy of MLK’s assassination in markedly different ways. We see the people who refuse to deal with it at all (Betty), the people who focus their grief elsewhere (Don), and the people who are trying to deal with it somewhat reasonably (Pete, Joan, Peggy, Megan). This episode could definitely be broken down with an in depth analysis of the deeper meaning of eeeverything, but we’re more of the punchy “remember this great line” and “look at that fucking dress” people, because we do have jobs and we do need sleep. So enjoy our Mad Men recap!

Moments:

Well, now we know why Ted’s trying to fuck Peggy. “Ted. Ted.” His poor canary clad wife never had a chance.

We liked Ginsberg’s snappy date, but he wasn’t doing himself any favors with “I’ve never had sex, not even once.”

Betty’s most mature parenting moment with Bobby ever!?

Ginsberg’s dad, upset that Michael is home so early, “You. You going to get on the ark with your father?”

Harry, when scumbag Pete is calling you out, you’re doing it wrong

Joan trying so hard with Dawn, but still coming off pretty fucking racist (not that she was alone there this episode)

Bobby’s reaction to the end of The Planet of the Apes, “Jesus.”

What happened in Mad Men’s fashion world (for us) this week:

6. Betty in Bed

Oh, Betty. Henry tells Betty that everything’s fine (her favorite words) and she stops caring about the assassination and focuses on what really matters, her ex-husband’s parenting skills and losing the rest of that weight to become Senator’s wife sized. Since her weight gain, Betty has had one dowdy look after another, until... well, another fairly dowdy look. Still, we liked this cream cardigan and navy dress with the rope pattern (or, knowing Betty, barbed wire) and are also hoping from her late-night mirror gazing, that blonde Betty will come back to in the near future.

5. Trudy’s Assassination Blues

You won’t ever see us complaining about more Trudy. After we saw her during the “Previously on Mad Men...” segment, we had a feeling she’d be back. This look wasn’t anything phenomenal, we’re mostly featuring it because we wanted to talk about this scene. Almost all the characters were wearing blue this episode, but Trudy’s simple blue dress helped us to remember the last time Pete and Trudy dealt with an assassination.

In 1963, the Campbells found a new unity following the assassination of JFK, but a lot has happened since then, and they are now separated. We were glad to see Trudy hold her ground and not let Pete come over, but it was still a sad little scene.

4. Sylvia’s Smooth Safari

We’re pretty over Sylvia, in general. We were solidly over Don trying to contact her in D.C./constantly watching the news coverage of D.C. And we’re really fucking over that damn cross that she wears with every damn outfit. Ugh. Regardless, we can’t deny that we were taken with her clothes this episode, in her (thankfully) one brief scene at the beginning of the episode. We’ll never see Sylvia mixing the wild prints from Megan’s arsenal, but this red and zebra-print suit was a pleasing, if fairly tame, combination. We also liked her sneaky wave to Don, if only for the brief spark of personality it provided.

3. Peggy’s Attempted Apartment Purchasing Clothes

It was nice to have the episode open on Peggy, who was in her old power color of mustard. The shot of Peggy silhouetted against the window of the Upper East Side apartment she tried to buy reminded us of the memorable scene of SCDP partners standing in front of their expanding office’s windows. Peggy was not able to share that triumph because she had already struck out on her own at that point, so it was also appropriate for Peggy to experience her feeling of accomplishment here solo (thanks to Abe being late). This might be a familiar look for Peggy, in terms of the scarf detail and the already mentioned color, but she looks good and we love watch her feel fulfilled (perhaps being the only character capable of experiencing that). A much better look for her than that strange watermelon mess awards dress.

2. Megan’s Recycled Awards Dress

Now, this is a new dress, but if you weren’t paying attention (like we obviously were), you might be asking yourself, “Didn’t she wear this extremely loud gold/coral dress last week!?” She is really working that look to its limits, although we think her makeup is improved this week and we love the voluminous extensions. Interesting to note that she whipped out her power color combo for another business dinner that she was again the focus of, being nominated for her work as a copywriter (which, if you recall, she had a natural talent in) at SCDP the previous year. Also of note is the fact that Megan wins the award and nobody cares (including Megan).

1. Joan’s Promotional Picture Knockout

There was a bit of a debate about whether or not this should be the top spot of this week’s Mad Men article. Anya was firmly on Team Joan, but Paul wasn’t completely sold (especially after hoisting her up to the top spot in the previous two weeks’ entries). However, after screencapping and reviewing the season promotional pictures, Paul is ready to concede that Joan is shutting it down. This sapphire dress fits her like her a glove. The fit and color combined with her stellar earrings and the built-in bling of the dress make this dress a home fucking run.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Last week, we talked about some of the strange things we (mostly Paul) are afraid of. Catch up here!

Spoiler! This adorable creature makes him shudder

Now we’ll have to get back to Anya, whose fear of being attacked by one the perps of SVU only kicks in when she is alone, in the dark, trying to get to her car. Not so crazy, in this day and age. However. She has a few other deep seated phobias that make much less sense. You can guess from our twenty somethings tagline, that we are children of the 1990s. Great. (Someday that will fucking shock people. “You were born BEFORE the year 2000?!!??!” No time for that crisis right now, but damn.) So we all saw Free Willy, right? The inspirational tale of a troubled young white kid who starts hanging out with an orca that lives in a sad, dirty park and the mysterious old tribal dude who trains him.

When Anya first saw that movie (as a small child), she was totally on board with the whole “abandoned kid living on the streets resists his foster parents until a spiritual connection with a whale helps him become a functioning human and connect with other people” thing. Not so on board with the part where said kid is cleaning graffiti from under the tank (why?!) and the fucking orca POPS UP OUT OF GODDAMN NOWHERE! It probably doesn’t even happen that way, but as a child she did NOT see that coming. To this day, she hates that noise of deep water that you hear in movies. You know that weird gurgle that always happens when submarines/marine life/etc. is submerged? Hates it. Can’t watch the beginning of Titanic, she hates it so much. Can’t deal with Flipper, Jaws, or anything that involves people diving. That part in Skyfall where they were under the ice? UGH.

Conducting the Google search for this picture was physically uncomfortable, that’s how much I hate it.

We’ll wrap it up with what is perhaps the most far fetched fear of all. We all watched The Magic School Bus, right? Remember that episode where Arnold’s stupid cousin comes with them and Ms. Frizzle takes everyone through the solar system and he takes off his helmet on Pluto and comes back with a bad head cold? That might have started this one. Anya is deeply horrified by outer space. This is possibly (probably) also stemming from that time she watched Armageddon in fifth grade and Bruce Willis fucking got left on that goddamn asteroid. No amount of Xenon: Girl of the 21st Century could assuage her concerns, and she has stated more than once that if the world gets into a Wall-E type situation, she will just stay on Earth with the landfills and the sad robot. Not fucking flying into outer space. Ever. Something about the idea that you could just float away...forever. And suffocate on your own air. People do not fucking belong up there!

Except no. Not impressed.

So we’ve both got some questionable hang ups, fine, great, moving on. What is probably worse and more telling than the things we are afraid of, is the things we aren’t afraid of.

We love the wacky people we call “those Victorians” in our best wistful/condescending voice. The Victorian era was a time of some truly terrifying shit, but we’re strangely okay with the vast majority of it. If you’re unfamiliar with trends in Victorian era photography, google that RIGHT NOW PLEASE. Maybe you’re sufficiently horrified by the fact that they made a habit of things like hiding mothers in the background under tapestries, taking pictures of dead people (especially kids), and playing around with exposure times to make themselves look headless. Aren’t they hilarious? We’re not even close to horrified enough.

Anya was spending some quality time browsing collections of these photographs and playing “which kid in this picture is dead?” while at the Libertarian’s house the other day:

Anya: Oh my GOD, they opened its eyes back up, how CRAZY!

Silence.

Anya: Are you seeing this? How many candles are in this picture?? (counts 21) That coffin is going to catch on fire!

Silence.

Anya: Seriously are both of these kids dead? I love this. Oh my god the headless ones! Look how funny they think they are! It’s like old timey memes! Look at this grouchy old lady holding her head under her own arm!

The Libertarian: I don’t know if I can look at the headless ones, it’s kind of making me sick.

Anya: Just a few more! Or you can go over there. Sorry!

Not fooling anyone wearing that, girlfriend

(If you’re interested in looking at the exact pictures this conversation was centered around, they’re here).

Alright, so we’re pretty down with all of those creepy pictures of stern looking women you see in horror movies. One thing we can’t handle from the Victorian era? Fucking hair wreaths. No joke, that shit is not ok.

You’ve already read about Anya’s unfortunate affection for feral animals, and you know Paul hates raccoons as much as she loves them. Some people might say she lacks a healthy fear of the various critters that wander the forest (or city) at night. You should have seen her cackling with fiendish delight at this scene from the hit television series, Bunheads:

You might be shuddering with horror when you see that opossum hissing at good old Sutton, but Anya was honest to god all “awwwwwwwww look how precious!” (which is also how we assume Spacey Secretary would react, speculating on whether or not Sutton had ham in her bed). It’s a problem. Especially a problem when you live someplace that they could be hanging out in your backyard at any given time. Especially when seeing them squished on the road makes you sincerely sad for the rest of your drive, and this occurs probably every three miles on the highway. That’s some misplaced motherfucking empathy.

We’ll leave you with this gem: while brainstorming for this post, Anya asked Paul to add anything to the lists of fears and should be fears that he thought was missing. Without even looking at the draft he immediately responded “things we should be afraid of but aren’t: dying alone”. Little did he know, the first and only thing Anya had added to that list was...dying alone.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

We now present you with the third collection of noteworthy texts from Anya in 2012. If you are just joining us for the written evidence of our eternal downward spiral, you can work your way back starting here. By now you have probably figured out that it doesn’t get better, but it does get funnier. Enjoy.

Thursday, September 278:58amHaha Faded Hippie is so helpful today. She’s held the door for me twice out of 6 trips to shelve for [other co-worker] and she asked “are you to the 400s yet?!” ...thanks

Saturday, October 6 8:32amNothing quite like waking up to the sound of my mom talking shit about my job situation on the phone

Saturday, October 6 12:34pmYou’re missing Frazzled Feminist’s bedazzled jeans, just so you know

Sunday, October 7 7:18pmThe Libertarian’s mom just offered me a white denim cropped jacket for like five minutes straight, and then some weird sheer silk thing she thought was reallly nice. she started suggesting outfits for the jacket, the Libertarian laughed at me

Thursday, October 11 8:40amFrazzled Feminist had a shrieking anger meltdown about her kitchen contractors though, so maybe she needs to take the bipolar one

Thursday, October 11 4:08pmSometimes I think I can’t be alone because I need someone on call in case I want to hit up the garage too badly

Friday, October 12 11:09amUgh guess I’m doing that thing again where I hate eating. Too bad it’s not at a time where I actually need to lose weight.

Friday, October 12 12:43pmThings I feel guilty about: spending most of the weekend away when we have like three family birthdays to celebrate, even though my mother is being terrible. Things I don’t feel guilty about: hiding an index card from a group of horrible women who impugned my ability to alphabetize

Saturday, October 13 8:48pmBest quote ever “bitch that was my pussy you was kissing this morning, that was my pussy in his mouth you was kissing” classic.

Monday, October 15 12:08pmI’m not very good at this whole don’t talk to people until they talk to me thing. Plus Facebook just keeps amassing evidence of picnics with other girls and all kinds of shit that makes me 100% glad I didn’t eat that bagel or I would have thrown it up

Tuesday, October 16 9:36amHahaha every work excuse in the book. I want them to admire my originality, I’ll probably blame my female parts or something since I’m sure Big Boss votes republican and obviously it is a mystery to them. If I don’t show up for lunch, I’m probably passed out on the third floor and no one came looking for me.

Wednesday, October 17 5:49pmReally hope this whole “not respond for weeks and then tell me they chose someone else” job thing is not a foreshadowing of my conversation with my ex

Thursday, October 18 9:43amFrazzled Feminist established her (fictional?) presence here today with a giant Starbucks cup. Progress? It’s more believable at least lol

Friday, October 19 1:32pmMaybe Starbuck [Paul’s friend, not the coffee chain] and I will have spilling beer on the table and tortilla chips sleepover. So there!

Friday, October 19 2:51pmProbably just going to watch Matthew and Mary’s engagement scene over and over until I stop crying about it.

Still haven’t watched the last two minutes of Season 3, probably going to spend the rest of the show pretending Matthew is on business in America.

Who am I kidding? I’ll never stop crying about this.

Thursday, October 25 9:42amI’m about to sneak off and eat a cookie in the bathroom, pretty low.

Thursday, October 25 10:58amOh god No Boundaries is hitting on private school kids. Probably like 14

Thursday, October 25 4:41pmAw shit just watched a vet team member literally tranquilize a monkey with a blow dart. I want that job