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Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Alright, this might turn out kind of long, so bare with me...

Just gonna start from the beginning. I've always been into older dudes, and I never really saw anything wrong with it. It was as natural as liking guys in general, and it wasn't that I ONLY liked older guys, it just included them. Last summer I turned 18 and started "exploring". Okay, I started hooking up. My first sexual experiences were with guys I hooked up with. I wasn't a massive slut or anything like that, just liked to get off. Well, in September 2012, I met this guy. We'll call him "R". He was 50, I was 18.

The following month, my mom kicked me out. I was staying at a friend's house (he knew the guy, too) when me and R re-connected. We became exclusive soon after. Not by choice, but things fell into place that way right off the bat. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but he was really into me. Eventually, I started developing feelings for him as well. We went through a lot together over the next few months. I overcame my bout with painkillers, me and R fell in love, we moved in together due to things not working out in either of our living conditions....

Now, we got a place together in Jan. 2013....he got social security (health issues I don't need to go over), and I got back into school to continue working on getting credits so I could get my diploma. Over the next 5 or so months, me and him grew apart. We were very close, but we just stopped getting along. He wanted sex so often that it actually became boring...for an 18/19 year old. It was excessive. He also had a temper, which I couldn't deal with. We're both jealous people, and there we deep trust issues. We went from being very close to barely even having a relationship at all except for when he wanted to have sex. We barely got along. It was a combination of stress, and trying to help everybody else with their problems and not working on our relationship.

Finally, after 4 or 5 months of hoping and waiting for things to get better, I just kind of gave up. I told him I needed to move back to my dad's. Here's where things got really complicated....

He's a complete and utter wreck without me..that's not just me saying it, he'll be the first one to admit it. He always talks about wanting to try to fix things, but I don't have the urge or the energy to fix things. I'm exhausted. I still love him, though. I just don't feel like we can be in a relationship anymore. It's just been destroying him, though. If we can't work things out, he's going to move. He's decided it, and he's set on it. I just can't stand to hurt him anymore. It's killing me cuz I do still care about him very much.

Another problem is that I'm very unhappy at my dad's house. Somehow in my head, I thought leaving might make me happier, when in all reality, my life was shit even before I got kicked out. I'm just confused. I know R can make me happy. He's been making an effort to fix things, but I know and see that things will just return to being shitty after a while. On top of that, he's severely broken my trust lately in the midst of all this. I just don't know what to do. I talked to my therapist about this, and she says there's no way me and him could be friends after this because it will hurt too much to see the other with someone else.

I don't know what I'm asking. Maybe for input? I just don't want to hurt him. I know that I want to be with other people, but I still care for him, and I can't completely leave without him being under the impression that I don't give a shit about him. It's fuckin killing me. I think he knows the end is coming, but he doesn't want to completely lose me, and he KEEPS fuckin holding on and it's killing me to hurt him. It's fuckin bullshit. Can someone offer me some advice besides the whole "date your own age" thing? I just need some help from people who may have more experience in this kind of thing. It's my first relationship period, and his first actual serious relationship with a guy.

- - - Updated - - -

If there's any details you think I may be missing, ask and I'll inform to the best of my ability.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Breaking up can be painful for both people because it severed emotional ties. Some people won't process this so they stay partially in the relationship or they try to find a new one. Living life means facing and processing all our emotions. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with pain. It's just something with which to deal. It appears that there are things for which you've been grateful, but don't confuse gratitude with love.

As for him, you can't ease his pain. You found your way to therapy and he can find his.

It seems you need a clean break, which isn't to say you couldn't reconnect as friends at a later time, after you both heal b

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

This boyfriend of yours is emotionally abusive. He does not sound mentally competent, as his happiness and existence to living is dependent on a relationship with a teenager when he himself is 50. I take it by breaking your trust, he's had sex or has been close to with another young boy. He sounds like a sex addict with a penchant for young boys.

Our best advice is for you to completely break up with him, let him move away, and start your life again. You are in a very destructive and unhealthy environment right now that is not good for you. You need to remove yourself from this situation soon. I know you don't get along with your dad, but look at pursuing new and old friendships where perhaps you can find a roommate situation.

Or, as crass as this sounds, there are many other "sugar daddies" out there who would be willing to take care of a boy your age. They're also more stable and would be kinder to you.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

No one can make you happy but yourself. Them's the rules, as hard they seem to follow. I'd say value your experiences with R but move on and into a rhythm where you're happy single. Then open up the party!

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Doesn't matter if he's 50 or 18 (though the fact that he is 50 makes it sad and pathetic). He's emotionally abusive and blackmailing you and psychotic. Run for the hills and don't feel bad about "hurting" him.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

To me it sounds like you two were kind of forced together because of shared bad circumstances in your lives, depended on each other to survive (shared resources), used each other for sex, and then became codependant on each other.

It sounds like he's lonely, in bad health, and probably has limited socialization. He's grown dependent on you, but not in a psychologically good way. You're not obligated to stay if you're not happy, and you're not responsible for him after you leave.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Originally Posted by borg69unimatrix

To me it sounds like you two were kind of forced together because of shared bad circumstances in your lives, depended on each other to survive (shared resources), used each other for sex, and then became codependant on each other.

It sounds like he's lonely, in bad health, and probably has limited socialization. He's grown dependent on you, but not in a psychologically good way. You're not obligated to stay if you're not happy, and you're not responsible for him after you leave.

this is a very close description of what it's like. His health is getting bad and it's adding EVEN MORE stress on my shoulders (not counting the fact that my cousin found out I was gay and is telling people). I'm losing my mind. I'm really trying to hold on to my sanity, but in order to break up with him, he wants a full-on "I don't love you anymore" deal, and I can't say that to him. I love him, but my life just seems to keep getting worse the longer I stay in thiis relationship

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Originally Posted by tryingthisout94

this is a very close description of what it's like. His health is getting bad and it's adding EVEN MORE stress on my shoulders (not counting the fact that my cousin found out I was gay and is telling people). I'm losing my mind. I'm really trying to hold on to my sanity, but in order to break up with him, he wants a full-on "I don't love you anymore" deal, and I can't say that to him. I love him, but my life just seems to keep getting worse the longer I stay in thiis relationship

Regardless of what he wants, break up with this guy. He sounds like a mess. You don't owe him anything, especially because of the way he's been treating you as of late, by not letting this relationship end.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

I'm over 50 years old and like having sex with young guys as much as the next old goat. However, you're bf is trouble with a capital "T." Being fuckbuddies or having occasional sex with young guys is one thing. But a 50 year old man clinging on to an 18 year old is disturbing. He seems more immature than you. Young people generally do a lot of growing up between 18 and 23, 24 or 25. If you seem him this way at 18, you will find him intolerable at 21.

You also seem to be someone who needs to get his own shit together. At 18, you shouldn't be a nurse maid to this emotionally stunted man-child. Say good-bye and don't look back. Focus on yourself. Go to school, get a job, get your own place. I've been on my own since I was 18. It wasn't easy all those years ago, and I think it's much harder for an 18 year old now. You don't need to be dragged down. Good luck.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Originally Posted by tryingthisout94

this is a very close description of what it's like. His health is getting bad and it's adding EVEN MORE stress on my shoulders (not counting the fact that my cousin found out I was gay and is telling people). I'm losing my mind. I'm really trying to hold on to my sanity, but in order to break up with him, he wants a full-on "I don't love you anymore" deal, and I can't say that to him. I love him, but my life just seems to keep getting worse the longer I stay in thiis relationship

You don't really owe him any explanations. You're not happy, and you want out. That's all he needs to know. If you want out, he has NO say in the matter what-so-ever. This is just MORE manipulation on his part. He doesn't have to agree with it. Grow a pair, make a stand, and stick with it. You'll thank yourself in the future for not letting him control and manipulate you.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

breaking up is always hard to do. and saying i don't love you anymore or be on the receiving end is even harder. i feel you don't want to say that and it will be merciful for you not say that.

i have no problem with age differences. i have seen them work in an authentic loving ways many times.

my problem is this, and others have pointed it out too. i think your relationship has turned bad and probably emotionally abusive. i believe you still care about him but that's not the point. for your own good and his, you should distance yourself from him and leave on friendly terms, if that's even possible. but put a deadline: one month to move or take him to a doctor or find his other friends that may help him through. but you have to distance yourself from him. you may not stay with him in the same house. drive him to the hospital if necessary but you need to move on.

you are still young. this won't be your only heartbreak. get a job. finish school and move to your own place or rent with roommates that can support you socially and emotionally and help you become more mature and independent.

try to move away from this relationship because it is unhealthy and abusive. try to meet other people with more maturity and more grounded. you can keep "R" as a friend but unfortunately he is immature, he needs professional help in my opinion.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Your entire situation is nothing more than a co-dependent relationship. Emotions have developed, mostly on your part, but it seems his are more in a sexual nature. The more you profess your love for him, the more you enable him to continue his control over you. You are not responsible for him, only for yourself. His threats are being used only to keep you in this co-dependent situation. Age has nothing to do with it, as co-dependency can appear at any age. The only way to break this cycle is to sever ties, grieve at the loss and re-establish yourself as a whole person. Begin socializing with others, not in the same group in which he revolves. As has been said before, he will soon find the next young man to fulfill his needs and desires. This all sounds harsh and as if you are abandoning him, but to maintain this relationship will only cause stress on your health and begin to diminish you own self confidence. Listen to your therapist. She is correct. Best of luck and remember we've got your back.

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Hey, JUB

You are all completely 100% correct about this situation. I've come to realize that he used my fucked up past against me. I came from an abusive, controlling home, and he just used it as fuel to get one up on me. I've played stupid with him. I walked the dog, so-to-speak, and saw how he is when I give him control, and it was really ugly. Threats, belittling me, all of that. Just ridiculous shit. I also came to realize that he'll do or say anything to make me believe he loves me, and I cut this shit off. I came to realize that all this fucked up shit from my past wasn't my fault. My parents failed to raise me correctly, then blamed me and made me feel like shit for fucking up. He used that against me. Basically, I've cut it off

Problem is, he's gotten into my head so deeply that it feels like an addiction. That doesn't even count the mindfuck of still loving someone who fucked with your head so badly. Night time is the worst. I'm always alone in this house cuz my dad has his own life that he puts before mine no matter what, so nights are hard. I feel so alone and fucked up. I'm not used to sleeping alone, and a lot of times I get pannack attacks and end up making myself puke just to try and calm my stomach. I need help. I don't know what to do about this. I never thought I'd end up one of "those guys" who ends up in this situation, but here I am, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel sick to my stomach as I type this

Re: Older (him)/Younger (me) Relationship ending...HELP

Besides your therapists, you need a social life. Find a gay center or some other gay organization. Go to their events. Just go, period! Talk with people at the center. They will be able to refer you to other groups that can give you the social contact that you desperately need. Once you have met others, even if it's only as friends, the loneliness and panic attacks will lessen and you will begin to take control of yourself. By being in the company of others you will begin to forget the abuse you have gone through. Life will be much brighter if only you force yourself to take this step. Even just one person as a friend can break this cycle. The love you think you feel for R is no more that a brainwashing rut that has conditioned you into believing it is "love." Best of luck and continue to let us know your progress.