“Will Having an Open Marriage Backfire on Me?”

Is it a way to include a great new person into the picture? Or is it a trap created out of insecurity?

This week, a question comes from the TrèsSugar community. A woman and her husband spend a lot of time with one of his good friends. Her husband broached the topic of opening their marriage to this friend. While her pro list is longer than her con list, she wonders if her husband will get jealous and if there is any way this won’t end in a disaster.

My husband has a friend “John Doe,” who hasn’t had sex in many years. He is handsome—I think he looks kind of like a young Tom Hanks—and super sweet. He likes seeing romantic movies and miniseries and sometimes watches them with me. He is the most intelligent person I know and has an IQ of something like 180. His problem is that he was abused as a child and has depression. He was 9 the first time he attempted suicide and eventually turned to burning—he calls it “branding”—himself as a coping mechanism to avoid suicide. He doesn’t do this stuff anymore, but he still has issues with depression. My husband has asked me if I would be willing to open our marriage to this friend of his. I am so conflicted about this. Here are my pros and cons.

“John” is the nicest man I know, and I would love to be with him. If my husband ever dies or leaves me, I would marry him.

I really think that I can help him with his problems with intimacy and women.

My husband has talked about doing this for a long time and insists he is OK with the idea of me making love to his friend. He even says that if John and I fall in love he will be OK with it as long as I don’t leave him or fall out of love with him—which would never happen.

The idea of being with two men at the same time who both love me and accept each other is awesome.

We don’t have children, and even though it would tear me to pieces to lose my marriage if things go terribly wrong, everyone that would be involved is a consenting adult.

CON

I am really worried that John will be upset with my husband and I if we offer him this—he refuses to even go to strip clubs. I worry about ruining our friendship with him. I know he likes me a lot, but he still might refuse.

It seems impossible that my husband won’t eventually get jealous even if he promises he won’t.

Will I be jealous if John eventually gets another girlfriend? I don’t think so, but I might change my mind if I fall in love with him.

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9 Comments on "“Will Having an Open Marriage Backfire on Me?”"

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Karen

1 year 10 days ago

You will not be able to avoid comparing the 2 men. This will lead to guilt and a lack of inner peace. Also, you can not help someone who suffers from depression. You will only watch them and cry. Your friend needs a doctor and likely medication.

What is the danger of admitting your husband is gay? This is the question you should be asking. What will my reaction be when he comes? Should be on your horizon. Strip clubs are questionable enough- let me get this straight[?]- a bunch of guys getting inebriated and tumescent together. Yes it is a double standard- most guys can conceive of a 3way with their SO & another woman. Frankly having looked at ourselves in the mirror we question her taste already…. Has she looked at my back hair? There is no straight guy who wants to get into bed… Read more »

I am wondering why he would be upset if you broached the subject. Is there any indication he might be something other than heterosexual? You know your feelings for him, but do you know his feelings for you?

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Anthony Deluca

5 years 1 month ago

This is extremely risky. There is a very real chance this will destroy your marriage.

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Hank Vandenburgh

5 years 1 month ago

Expect John to bond limmerantly with you if the sex works. This may not be comfortable, and you may want to get a book on limerance, and read up on it. If you get limerant, it will diminish the value of your marriage, at least temporarily. A formula that’s worked for me in affairs has been not to have them with my partner’s friends, in fact to use “don’t ask; don’t tell.”

It doesn’t sound like John is very safe psychologically. This may be too much of a sacrifice once the newness wears off.

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Dolores Haze

5 years 30 days ago

I agree. In poly circles this is called “NRE” – New Relationship Energy. If you google that term, lots of folks chime in with advice about how they handle it, or simply ride it out.

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Kat

5 years 1 month ago

In my experience before you even start down this road you have to ask yourself some more questions. What kind of relationship are you looking for? Are you looking to swing once in awhile with a third person there? Are you looking for someone that you or your husband could have sex with on the side with out the other marital spouse there? Are you wanting to have multiple emotional relationships with people? Or just sexual? How will you define your relationship after it is opened up? What are your ground rules? What is the other man’s role in this… Read more »

I think the intentions to open the marriage up is nice, but why is this the only solution to help John? Can’t you just talk to John 1-on-1 to help him through this–is your sex necessarily the answer? Don’t you guys have a wonderful single friend to set him up with. I just think opening a marriage to get someone out of the depression and its effects is one of the strangest ways to go about this. Doesn’t make it wrong either–but surely there are options since you’re hesitant and probably right about all the Cons.