Headlice News

May.26,2017

Cash Checkwriter Says Jesus Was First To Employ ‘Promissory Notes”

Cash Checkwriter, televangelist that believes Jesus was not only rich, but the very first to make extensive use of promissory notes and other financial instruments such as checks and surety bonds and backs his assertion by pointing out that one of the most famous of his promises was that the meek would be rewarded with abundance and quotes biblical scripture proclaiming, “But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance!” However, when it was pointed out that he had omitted the last two words of Psalms 37(“of peace”), Checkwriter explained that his interpretation of the Bible was “what a minister is supposed to do, after all.” And, further that his ministerial responsibility is to “convey the words of the ancients to his flock in modern terms with 21st century relevance.” He explains that what Jesus was really referring to was God’s last bequest to His Son. He goes on to say that had Jesus lived, his inheritance would have made Him the largest land owner in recorded history and that Jesus’ death was actually a conspiracy by the San Hedron and Roman real estate speculators. Checkwriter also agrees with famed fellow televangelist Creflo Dullard that Jesus was indeed rich. “After all,” claims Checkwriter, “God owns everything and Jesus was God’s only son!”

Despite his loose and often convenient Bible interpretations, his ministry now claims 26,000 dedicated parishioners and Checkwriter proudly reveals his plans to expand his ministry to “anyone with a television.”

His followers do seem dedicated. One woman, who asked to remain anonymous, was enthusiastic of her support saying, “Reverend Checkwriter has made me realize that wealth is truly a state of mind. As long as there are checks in my checkbook, I’m not broke!”

Not everyone is so supportive of Checkwriter, however. Iowa Sen. Charles ‘Chuck’ Grasscutter, the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, is asking whether these churches really are non-profits or just “organized check-kiting” scam artists. One of Grasscutter’s aides is quoted as saying, “Checkwriter’s mouth is writing checks his butt can’t cash, but, apparently, his parishioners do!” This, a comment on the reported sale of Dullard’s (who is also under Senate scrutiny) personal Rolls Royce that Checkwriter reportedly purchased with a check that had been returned twice to Checkwriter’s bank for ‘insufficient funds’ before his parishioners came to his rescue and funded the bouncing check. Checkwriter claims that the entire incident was a prime example of God’s promise, “Ask, and what you ask for shall be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you!” Citing his need to be able to travel between his lavish homes in Hampton, Long Island, his office in the Trump Tower, NYC and his television production stage/church in Westchester, New York, Checkwriter adds, “My parishioners don’t want me traveling in a ’69 Volkswagen bus!” When reminded that Christ entered Jerusalem on the back of a donkey, he chided, “They didn’t have cars then. If they had, Jesus would have driven up in a Bentley!” When asked why he had over 30 separate checking accounts, between which he was constantly transferring large sums from one account to another, Checkwriter responded, “My money is like my ministry, it goes where it is most needed.”

Checkwriter’s name and personal identity are another matter altogether. Checkwriter insists that ‘Checkwriter’ is, in fact, his real name saying, “My Daddy was a Checkwriter, my Granddaddy was a Checkwriter and I’m a Checkwriter. Checkwriter makes this claim despite rigorous searches through the Family History Library (an extensive genealogical index maintained by the Mormon church) that turn up no mention whatsoever of the family name “Checkwriter.” A search, however of the New York City Public Records does show that a man name Percy McElroy legally changed his name to “Cash Checkwriter” in 1993. When asked about this seemingly strange coincidence Checkwriter claimed incredulity saying, “Whoever this man really is. He is a fraud!” The logical conclusion that may be drawn from this is that in this case, Checkwriter may just be right!