I feel it's only fair to warn you, at some point or other on this blog, I'm probably going to offend about 95% of the world's population. So if you don't have a sense of humor... you should probably just find another blog.

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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Hello all! I know I haven't been around in a while. I'm sorry. I've been busy. I know, I know lame excuse, but it's all I've got. Anyway I have some exciting news. Mostly exciting for me but I've decided to share it with you all because it's just that awesome. Recently my boyfriend and I adopted a puppy! Ok he's not really a puppy, but he's still a puppy to us. His name is Mickey. He looks like a big mouse. He's about 3 years old, and he weighs 11 pounds. He definitely has a little Chihuahua in him, and we think possibly a little bit of Pug and Weiner dog, (fine Dachshund). The bottom line is - He's awesome! Don't believe me? See for yourself!

See how he uses his little paws as hands? I told you he was awesome!

I understand this still may not be enough proof for you, so I've included a short video in what is sure to be Mickey's very long film career:

Ok so I know you all didn't think that was as funny as I did, but what can I say? For the past week Mickey Mouse has been the main source of entertainment at our house.

Since I've had absolutely nothing interesting to say this whole time I've also decided to include some very belated Halloween pictures of my friend trying on Halloween costumes at Target. Enjoy!

You can't tell, but that's an Avatar mask she's wearing in the last one. Anyway, that's it for now! Maybe next week I'll return with a real post instead of one filled with fancy pictures, exclamation points and the word awesome.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

So I changed my mind. I do have something to say this week. And it isn't a list. So I'm sorry. Although that may be up a little later this week as well. Anyway...

Anyone else out there encounter an over abundance of internet psychos lately? Or is it just me? I mean I know there are always crazies on the internet, but I've felt pretty safe in the blogging community... until recently.

While I was "researching" in Google Coffee Shop on embedding YouTube videos on my blog, I came across a discussion topic:

"Someone is saying slanderous things about me on the internet and Google won't remove their content!!!"

Me, being the nosy, arrogant, "If someone's talking trash about you you must have deserved it what did they say?" BITCH that I am, I simply had to know. So I clicked it. The person went on and on and on about how this other person made an entire blog dedicated to ruining this person.

Me: *cue Evil snickering laugh* I have GOT to see this.

So the crazy that can't get slanderous things removed from the web, actually provided the link to the so called slanderous website. Of course I clicked. How could I help myself.

I was really looking forward to that. I'm sick and I have problems I know. These are the things that amuse me. Instead was the LONGEST most DRAGGED on REPETITIVE post I'd ever seen about how this person (Crazy #2 & blog writer) was simply defending herself from the attacks of Crazy #1 (who can't get slanderous things being said about her removed from the internet.) It was awful.

Crazy #1 apparently contacted all the people who posted on Crazy #2's Cockadoodle business website, (yes, cockadoodle), under over ONE HUNDRED known aliases saying not to buy from Crazy #2 because she raises her dogs in a metal tin shed and if you don't buy her puppies she sends them to a puppy mill to be turned into glue. Or something. It was ridiculous. A little further reading revealed that Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 are actually sisters. Dear Jesus. This is insane.

Ever seen any of the Transformers movies? You know at the end when they're battling and taking out like every building in sight? As if the world were their playground? That's how it felt. Like watching Crazy #1 and Crazy #2 hurl each other into buildings all over the internet city and wrecking it for the rest of us because they can't KEEP IT TO THEM FUCKING SELVES!!

Then on 20 Something Bloggers there's this poor girl who wrote about eTextbooks and now old men won't stop harassing her with irrelevant comments about her age and how "if you don't like to debate you shouldn't blog". Ummm..... okay.

Hello? Dumb ass? Yeah, unless the title of the blog is "I Love to Argue, Please Disagree with me Here," then blogging isn't for debating you fucking idiot. It's a place where you can state your opinions and if people would like to share their differing opinions then fine, but don't keep it going. If you don't like what you're reading, then don't fucking read it. Hey! Hey YOU! If you don't like it, you can just click that little X button in the upper left hand corner of your browser window! Get it? Do you? Oh good. So please SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Then another 20 Something Blogger, who definitely wins the ULTIMATE psycho blogger crazy award, responded to a discussion topic about how to lose weight. I think she responded to every single person who posted an answer. Mind you, she didn't even start the effin' discussion. She told us all how we were wrong about how to lose weight, she was the only person who was right, and ketones and catatonic states and blah blah blah. I made the mistake of clicking on her profile and blog link. As it turns out, I've met this crazy before. I hated her blog the first time I read it. And guess what? After having read it a 2nd time, I HATE IT EVEN MORE!

She is a PSYCHO!! Her motto is "smoke yourself". Ummm, yeah 'cause I wanna do that. The idea is you should spend every spare second of your time working out. You should eat an insane diet. And a woman isn't physically fit unless she looks like a man (i.e. six pack abs, broad shoulders, muscular thighs, muscular arms).

Every other post is about her hatred for fat people. She actually wrote an entire post about "Fatness Acceptance". She claims that "because people choose to be fat, it is not wrong of me to hate fat people because that is a choice they make. It isn't like being racist because you don't choose your race. You choose to be fat." She started the post by saying that "people who take up two seats on an airplane should have to pay for two seats."

This makes me really fucking angry. I'm sorry but it does. It's all I can do not to send her a nasty email. Seriously. I've been considering it. But that would probably land me in this Internet Crazies post and I can't do that to myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't take up two seats on an airplane, and I don't consider myself fat, but the fact that someone would say these things blows my mind. I don't tolerate racism or any such shit that might also qualify as racism.

NEWS FLASH CRAZY:

1. Not every woman wants to look like a man. In fact I find women that look like men completely unattractive. While I wouldn't mind a flatter stomach, I don't want a six pack. And I'll gladly give you my broad shoulders because I hate them.

2. Not everyone thinks that their appearance is the ONLY thing that matters in life. In fact, food makes me way happier than appearance ever could. So when I CHOOSE the pint of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer instead of CHOOSING to go to bed hungry, I already know the consequences and also DON'T CARE. Doesn't that just blow your fucking mind?

3. Running marathons, working out 8 hours a day, "smoking myself" does not make me happy. Actually it makes me miserable. Do you get it now? Do you?! Not everyone's idea of happiness is identical to yours. Is it clear now? Are you catching what I'm throwing down?

4. No one reads your blog because frankly, it's the most offensive thing I've ever seen. It sickens and disgusts me.

5. You need help. You're more ignorant than a redneck with 75+ lawn ornaments and a junk yard of old trashed cars in his front dirt patch, a giant Santa Clause on his roof 365 days a year, and who drives a big old Ford truck with the those disgusting fake testicles hanging off the back.

Yeah. That's how ignorant you are.

I feel as though an apology is in order for this post. I didn't mean to go off on a rant about that last one but I find her completely infuriating. She just doesn't get it. Oh yeah, and she has like two names she identifies herself with. It's very strange.

As for all you guys... Does this offend you as well? Or is it just me? Have I completely gone over the edge on this one? Oh yeah, and since internet psychos are always fun, if you have a story about one of them feel free to leave it in the comment section.

**UPDATE**

Ok since you guys have been asking for the links to the Internet Crazies thread I'm going to post them. Don't say I didn't warn you though... (Also I couldn't figure out how to insert a lnk in the comments section so I had to do it up here. That blows.)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Ok so I don't have a whole lot of words to say this week. Instead I'm going to use experimentation with embedding YouTube videos as an excuse for not posting anything that would totally blow your mind! I really wanted to do this last week with the Stupid Inventions for Stupid People post, but I was clueless on how to do it so I had to reference Google Coffee Shop.

Hence the delay in fancy videos for you to watch.

ANYWAY, here are a few of my own favorite YouTube videos. I apologize if you've seen them before.

From the same guy that brought you the WTF blanket comes: The Jesus Christ Sponge!

The next one is from my favorite actor Jonah Hill in the movie Funny People! After seeing the movie I had to know if it really was on YouTube and it was!

Something you probably didn't know about me, (or maybe you did, Go You!) is that I'm a huge Ghost Hunters fan. It's a show on the SciFi channel about these plumbers from Roto-Rooter that have a ghost hunting team called TAPS (The Atlantic Paranormal Society). And guess what? They are from Rhode Island!! Isn't that awesome? Their office is like 20 minutes away from where I live! Ok back to the video:

Finally, don't ask me how I found this video... ADD probably led me to it, but anyway here's one from a guy who's completely obsessed with his cat. He has like a million videos of his cat on YouTube. It's weird. Here's the only one worth showing.

What? You didn't think that was hilarious? How come?! I almost fell off my chair with that one!! Ok maybe not. Because I'm completely random, I've decided to include a picture of my toes.

I apologize to the few male readers I have for this one. But I did these myself! By hand! They are AWESOME!!

Oh and a few words of wisdom I learned while out to dinner tonight:

Wearing your tight pants to dinner doesn't make you eat less, it only makes them tighter.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

So I know by now I've beat you over the head with the fact that I work at a Big Nameless Retail Store. Two or three times a year, someone invents something borderline retarded that spreads like wildfire and is sold out nationwide. It usually serves no purpose whatsoever, and is ridiculously overpriced. This has led me to a new list. Stupid Inventions. Some of them popular, others, hopefully, not so much.

I'm sure they have these kinds of inventions in other countries as well, but the ones mentioned here may be U.S. specific, so I apologize for that. For my readers outside the U.S., if you have any stupid inventions to add to the list, feel free to leave them in the comment section so everyone can check them out.

Also, so I am not sued by LIFE Magazine for plagiarism I would like to add that several of these stupid inventions were borrowed from their website. The official article can be found here.

My List of Super Stupid Inventions

Stupid Invention #189

When a leash simply doesn't do the trick:

The Dog Restrainer

Stupid Invention #526

Snuggies. Has no one ever heard of a robe? These things were sold out BNRS wide come Christmas time... And I just don't fucking get it!!! For a hilarious parody of the Snuggie, check out The WTF Blanket. This kid says it way better than I ever could.

Please folks, nobody wants to see your Snuggies in public...

Stupid Invention #871

Pixos. Formerly known as Aquadots. Which were not only a massive sell out, but a massive recall. Apparently they were made in China and contained toxic materials otherwise known as Lead. Now you can use water to stick your dots together!!!

Stupid Invention #344

Sunglasses that DON'T shade you from the sun. You know, when you only want a partial view of the world.

iPads. They are stupid. I'm sorry. No offense to iPad owners (I'm an Apple/Mac lover myself), but they are completely, irrevocably, unbelievably, unequivocally STUPID. And they are pretty much sold out all over the United States, while other countries are just itching to get their hands on one. I saw a woman at BNRS with one the other day, presumably checking the items off her shopping list. I laughed out loud at her before I could cover it up. It is insane to think that bringing your iPad shopping with you is more convenient then a pen and paper. They are smaller than regular laptops, yet a thousand times more awkward. I mean seriously, imagine sitting at your desk trying to type on your iPad. Anyway, from the same guy that gave us the WTF blanket, comes the iPad parody.

Stupid Invention #212

Wii Fits. Why hula hoop for real when you can do it virtually? Right? Right? Doesn't that sound like the most awesome idea ever? BESIDES that, you can pay a whopping $80 plus tax for this awesome virtual hula hoop, when a regular hula hoop would cost you a mere $4.99. Who needs free push ups when you can pay $80 to have a virtual coach tell you how to do them? Right? RIGHT?! A year and a half later, this moronic invention is still almost impossible to find.

Stupid Invention #475

The Certain Death Cancer Giver

When one cigarette simply isn't enough...

Stupid Invention #452

How to Lose All Your Friends in 5 Minutes or Less:

You know, just in case you aren't already a complete loser.

Stupid Invention #902

Snuggies for Dogs. If your dog doesn't hate you already, he/she will after you force them to wear this. I'd give you an awesome link to a parody commercial of this, but the real commercial does a pretty good job of being just plain idiotic on its own. The Snuggie for Dogs' only selling point is that other dog sweaters are "too tight fitting, and too hard to put on your dog." If the mood compels you, check them out here.

Stupid Invention #660

The Baby Cage.

Just in case you're having a Michael Jackson moment...

Now you can do it the safe way!!

Stupid Invention #378

Bakugan. I still don't entirely understand this one. They're like little balls boys throw at each other while slapping "battle cards" down on the table. Then little plastic "Bakugan" pop out of the ball or something and they battle. Or something. These were sold out for like six months straight. A lot of disappointed kids did not get a Baku-ball under their Christmas tree that year. Can someone explain these to me? I really DON'T get them.

Stupid Invention #117

Zhu Zhu Pets. Are like motorized Furby's that don't talk. Apparently they make "hamster noises". Also, (from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site) I thought this was hilarious:

CAUTION: Motorized wheel toys have the potential for hair entanglement

To prevent entanglement, keep hair away from wheels.

If hair gets caught by winding around a wheel, simply stop the wheel by firmly grabbing it. Next, press the back or head button once to stop motor from running. Next, slowly unwind hair from axle by turning the wheel by hand.

Zhu Zhu Hamsters™ are not designed to be a sleep toy, remove the batteries if your child wishes to take it to bed.

Also from the official Zhu Zhu Pet site are the instructions:

This was sold out for so long that I actually didn't even know we carried them at BNRS because I'd never even seen one on the shelf.

Stupid Invention #2

The Hubbard Electrometer:

LIFE says: "L. Ron Hubbard uses his Hubbard Electrometer to determine wether tomatoes experience pain, 1968. His work led him to the conclusion that tomatoes 'scream when sliced.'"

Stupid Invention #1

Goofy/Silly Bands. Are currently impossible to find. And for 4.99 you can get a whole package of 24 ridiculously shaped rubber bands. I'd like to add a few quotes from the website:

What are Silly Bands?

Silly Bandz are silicone rubber band bracelets that come in various shapes including basic, zoo animal, pet animal, dinosaur, sea creature, holiday, alphabet, princess, western and (seasonally) swim suit. Each pack of silly bands contains 24 pieces in 6 different styles, with the exception of the alphabet pack which contains 36 pieces. These silly rubber band bracelets are fun for all ages!

What is so special about rubber band bracelets?

The silly rubber band bracelets are special in a very important way. You can slide these silicone bracelets on your wrist and, when you remove them, they pop back into their original shape! Is that cool or what?

What can I do with my Silly Bands?

The possibilities here are endless! We have seen people wear Silly Bandz as bracelets, make them into a necklace or earrings, flick them at others, trade them, collect them, wrap them around important papers or love notes, use them to put hair in a pony tail, create an animal rubber band farm, and many other cool applications.

This is some kind of sick joke right? For 4.99 plus tax or shipping and handling you can get a package of 24 rubber bands in a ridiculous shape such as a car, plane, or ice cream cone, that you can, and I quote "wrap around important papers or love notes".

Why? Why? WHY?!!!

At the risk of being redundant I'm going to end this post with another:

Monday, May 31, 2010

No I haven't lost my mind. And no, I'm not talking about E.T. Nor am I referring to the video game. Or the movie. (Was that a movie?) I'm talking about those strangers you meet everyday who have no idea what the terms "personal space" or "get the fuck out of my space bubble" mean. You know the ones.

The ones behind you in line at Dunkin' Donuts who think that just because you move your big toe an inch forward the line has advanced and they can now move two feet forward.

The ones who are about to drive their front bumper up your tailpipe while sitting in traffic.

The ones who for every step you back away from them, take another step forward.

The ones who give you unwanted hugs and handshakes.

The ones at BNRSs (Big Nameless Retail Stores) who think that in order for you to hear their question they must have their face an entire two inches away from yours.

They are often creepy and sometimes smell bad and are always stupid.

I am plagued by Space Invaders. Perhaps this is because my personal space bubble is so big. I mean like, if I am not on a first name basis with you, or haven't seen you in five years, then you should be standing a full 5 feet away from me at any given moment. No I don't want to give you a hug. I don't care if your uncle is Jean Claude Van Damme, stay the hell away from me. Don't even try to let your shirt sleeve rub mine. If I haven't seen you in 5 years, there's probably

a reason for that. If I'm not on a first name basis with you, you should probably also assume I don't want to be. Get me?

This little plague often prevents me from enjoying simple things. For example, I am wary of going to any place that is guaranteed to have throngs upon throngs of strange people just milling about (i.e. carnivals, fairs, concerts, etc. etc. etc.). I can't even go to the beach on a Saturday because I am just certain it will be too crowded and somebody else will lay their beach towel down within two inches of mine. Next would come the small talk. Then the breathing down my neck. Then me storming home utterly pissed off that someone dare ruin my day at the beach.

Lately this problem seems to have gotten worse.

Recently a fire broke out in the basement of the most popular Dunkin' Donuts in town. So now, it seems everyone and their fucking mother is at my Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah I said it. My Dunkin' Donuts. Before tragedy struck, I never had to wait in line. I never had to place an order because the people there knew me. I simply walked in the door, and a few seconds later my coffee was on the counter. Nice and simple.

Now I walk in the door, and I stand in line. I am later and later for work every day because the line gets longer and longer. No one knows my order anymore because they had to hire so many new people to keep up with the increase in business. I have to park in the "no parking" zone because there are never any parking spaces available. And I have to fend off the Space Invaders.

The other day I was in line. Waiting as patiently as possible when one of them attacked. I was rounding the final corner to the counter and there he was. Breathing down my neck. I took a step forward. He took two. I took a step to the right. He starts leaning on the wall. Slowly, I inch my way forward, so as not to draw attention to the growing distance between us. Suddenly I find myself only inches away from the guy in front of me with Space Invader still breathing down my neck. I begin panicking. I start having heart palpitations and am finding it almost impossible to breathe. It was a mother fucking nightmare.

The next day I find myself at the deli. Waiting patiently in a far off corner for the deli guy to get me a half pound of cheese. There wasn't anymore out front so he had to go "out back" and get it. A woman pulls her shopping cart up next to mine. The other deli guy calls her number. She places an order. Since my enormous fear of Space Invasion causes me to watch everyone

carefully, I notice in my peripheral vision, that the lady is glancing down at the space directly in front of me. I look down. I made the mistake of standing in front of the flat breads and tortillas.

Space Invader: (*inching closer*)

Me: (*inching away*)

Space Invader: (*Pushing her cart into mine*)

Me: (*Turning my cart in the exact opposite direction*)

Space Invader: (*Is determined to have her cart touching my cart*)

Me: "Am I in your way?"

Space Invader: (*Smiling*) "Oh no not at all hun, I'm just looking for the low carb tortillas." (*Now standing directly next to me, leaning over the tortilla rack*)

Me: (*Mentally screaming "where the hell is that deli guy?!!*) "I think they're right there." (*Pointing directly to the low carb tortillas directly in front of where I made the mistake of standing*)

Space Invader: "Oh there they are!" (*Practically shoving me out of the way to get to the low carb tortillas.*)

Me: (*Moving farther to the left so that she doesn't run me over in her rush to gather up the low carb tortillas*)

Space Invader: (*After digging through the pile of low carb tortillas, has decided that none of them are to her liking and decides to start digging through the rest of the tortillas, and is now once again standing directly in front of me.*)

Me: "Are you sure I'm not in your way?! Because I can move." (*Eyeballing the deli area and realizing that I'm pretty much screwed if I'm standing anywhere within eyesight of the deli counter. Also suddenly realizing that 1 Space Invader is better than 3.*)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ok I did it again. I know. I'm sorry. It's been almost another entire week since I posted. I must be the worlds worst blogger. Do they make a pill or something to help me fix this problem? Anyone? No? Okay then. It was worth a shot.

So first things first. The wonderful and lovely janjan over at Between Me and My Thoughts has won an award for being an awesome commenter. Congratulations janjan! You deserve it. Then she went out on a limb and passed the award on to me!! Thanks so much! It's my first, and I'm so excited!

Next comes the rules. Apparently there are rules for accepting awards. I'm not always so good at following rules but I'll give it my best shot.

1. Thank person who nominated me. Check!

2. Copy the award. Paste it in my blog. Check!

3. Link to the person who gave me this award. Check!

4. Answer the 10 questions that come with the award.Huh? Oh right...

Questions:

1. Why do you blog?

Because I enjoy writing. Also because I love sharing my opinions with the world in hopes of enlightening another. (Aren't I just an arrogant bitch?) Oh yeah, and because I need a place to whine where somebody might actually listen to me and share my misery.

2. What are your 3 best memories?

When I was like 7 or so, and Christmas came. Our entire (finished) basement seemed to be filled with presents for my sister and I. And somewhere under that tree, was an original Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) complete with Super Mario Brothers 3. The best video game ever made in the history of forever. It is now stored on my Wii hard drive.

My 19th birthday I went on my first trip to Montreal. I danced all night at an after hours club after having my first legal drinks in a real bar, which was underground and totally awesome. I walked 2 miles in 4 inch heels in the blazing hot sun at 8 in the morning to drive 4 (or was it 6?) hours back home. I danced/walked so much my ankles bled and I have the scars to prove it.

A couple weeks ago the boyfriend and I went for a ride in his little honda civic. That's it. We just drove. We watched the sunset and the moon rise, and it was wonderful just being there to see it with him.

3. If you had to change your real name what would you change it to?

I don't think I would change it. While I like other names most of them are exotic and strange sounding and I don't feel they really fit me.

4. What are five things you can't live without?

1. Bruce - the 'stang. (Ok I realize it's effed up that this was the first thing that came to mind, but he is one SEXY convertible.)

2. Mr. Wonderful, Friend, My Mumma and Dadda who are always good for sharing a laugh with and can always offer a warm hug or a shoulder to cry on.

3. In-phone GPS - Seriously LOST without it.

4. Mom's cooking.

5. Video games. There I said it. I admitted it. I am a video game whore. Get over it.

5. What are the 4 best books you've ever read?

1. The Green Mile by Stephen King - This book made me buy a mouse just so I could name him Mr. Jingles. And guess what? When they escape from their cages (and they will) they don't just come scurrying back to you. This was highly disappointing. Either way, awesome book.

2. The Fever Series by Karen Marie Moning - The 1st book caused me to have my first ever crush on a completely fictional character. Jericho Barrons if you're listening, CALL ME!!

P.S. I accidentally invented a new word while writing this post because I just got home from work and am very tired. Ready for it? Whould. Isn't it great? I shortened the words "who would" into "whould". I am a fucking genius.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Hey everyone! I know, I know, it's been almost a week since I updated my blog. Sorry if I've disappointed anyone (Chicken). Truthfully I've been suffering from a little bit of writer's block. After the whole Jagaloon thing I was going to make a list of urban slang terms, but most of them are either incredibly dirty or derogatory, and not at all funny. So I scrapped that one. So no list this week. Sorry again.

Anyway, recently I went with Friend to run some errands. She has four dogs, and she needed to go to the pet store to buy some supplies. Of course, you can't go into a pet store without looking at the pets. There were all kinds of pretty fish, kittens, gerbils, rats, mice, snakes, spiders, scorpions, and... TORTOISES!! Isn't that awesome? A tortoise! Who would've thought of having a tortoise for a pet?

So I decided this was the perfect pet for me. Mr. Wonderful's apartment is not big enough for a cat or dog. You can't play with a fish. Snakes require live food. Mice tend to escape from their cages (I know from personal experience, Chicken can appreciate that). Gerbils and hamsters bite. But a tortoise. What could a tortoise do? They can't run away. They eat lettuce. I suppose they could bite but why would they do that when they can just hide in their shell? (Or can they?)

After a long day of looking at tortoises I eventually decided that I cannot live without one. When I came home, I mentioned this idea to Mr. Wonderful. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: I think we should get a pet.

MW: Oh really? And what kind of pet do you want?

Me: I want a tortoise.

MW: No fuckin' way.

Me: (whining) But why not?! They don't smell. They can't run away. They're low maintenance, and they wouldn't take up much space!

MW: They live too long.

Me: I know but that's awesome! I would never have to hold a tortoise funeral! He would be my bestest buddy. I would name him Elvis. I would get him a little pink dog carrier and bring him everywhere with me. And people couldn't even complain about it because nobody ever has a "No Tortoises Allowed" sign on the door! Then I would get him a leash. We would go for walks together. I could put him in my locker at work! He'd fit right in! When he needs exercise I'll just put him in the yard. It'll be GREAT!!!

MW: (Eyebrow raised. Saying nothing.)

Me: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T WANT A TORTOISE!! Anyway - that's the only thing I want for my birthday. And if I don't get one I'll cry. So there.

My birthday is in September. I'll be patiently waiting for an Elvis. And if Mr. Wonderful doesn't get me one, I'm asking Chicken...

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Okay, I have to admit I've been reluctant to post anything new because everyone seems to like Effed Up Google Searches, and it seems to have gained me a few readers (thanks in large part to Chicken, who has many followers and gave me some free advertising). Also, I'm now not sure I can top this. Since my only options are ending the blog now, or to continue on, I've decided to continue on.

So I've mentioned a few times that I work for a Big Nameless Retail Store (BNRS). I encounter a lot of stupid people working here. It slowly chips away at my faith in humanity day by day. Most often the stupid people are the people that shop there. For example, a typical dialogue at the BNRS might go a little something like this:

Guest: "Maybe you can help me, I'm looking for this thing."

Me: (*inwardly rolling eyes and sighing*) "What kind of thing would that be?"

Guest: "Well... I saw it on TV the other day."

Me: (*mentally banging head against wall*) "There are lots of things advertised on TV, can you be a little more specific?"

Guest: (*Clearly thinking very hard*) "Well... It does that thing, and it has a little stick attached to it, and you can change the thing, and it might have been green."

Me: (*Mentally gouging my own eyes out with a fork*) "Ook-"

Guest: "Or Pink. Actually it comes in a few different colors."

Me: (*Now outwardly sighing, and biting my lip to keep from screaming*) "Is this a thing you saw on a TV commercial? Or was it an infomercial advertised by Billy Mayes?"

MB says this happened in all seriousness. Can someone please explain to me what the fuck a jagaloon is?

Sometimes I wonder how people even manage to get themselves dressed in the morning. Honestly. Recently though, guests haven't been the only stupid thing stalking me at BNRS. I also work with a couple people who clearly "don't know their ass from last Tuesday" (Billy Bob - Bad Santa). We at BNRS in Warwick, work with someone very special. Let's call her CW.

CW: "No, no. And you know what else? Canada is part of North America too!"

Me: (*Slapping forehead*) "CW. People generally learn these things in the 2nd grade. You are 21 years old. Where the hell have you been?"

CW: "Can you believe that? I'm so mad. Americans are the only ones who are supposed to be Americans."

Me: (*Mouth hanging wide open, possibly going into shock*)

CW: "I mean who do they think they are? Canadians can't be Americans too."

Me: "CW, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I suppose then, you're not aware that there is a South America and a Central America as well?"

CW: "Of course I knew that. I'm not stupid."

Umm. YEAH. That's debatable.

In case you were wondering, CW went on to tell me that she's very smart, with an above average IQ. I went on to tell her that generally people with above average IQs don't have problems identifying continents. Her reply was that she was book smart, not common sense smart. (*Again, more head banging*) I also gave her a geography lesson and explained the difference between a country and a continent.

At the risk of putting off a few readers with another ridiculous movie quote, I'd like to end this with:

"I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!"

P.S. I finished exams this week and classes are all done for the semester. For those of you who care, my grades have been posted for Western History and Quantitative Business Analysis (a fancy term for Algebra III?). They are both A's. I also pretty much have a guaranteed A in Accounting. So keep your fingers crossed for me, because I'm a little unsure about Microeconomics!

Monday, May 10, 2010

A couple weeks ago when I first started this blog, my second post was about lists. I've found that as usual, Mom was right. Lists keep me organized. If you haven't read my first list, then perhaps you want to scroll on down to April in my blog archives and take a peek before continuing here. Since the first list was so successful, I think I'll continue making lists on an attempted weekly basis.

We've all googled before right? And usually while typing our search term into the box, we see a list of suggestions based on what we've typed thus far. Occasionally we pause to read this list of suggestions, and seen something completely outrageous listed. In today's list, I've compiled just a few of those outrageous search terms.

The Effed Up Google Search List

Effed Up Google Search #294

How do you get pregnant?

-If you have to google this, you probably shouldn't be trying to get pregnant in the first place.

Effed Up Google Searches #1166-1168

Why don't I have a boyfriend?

Why don't I have a girlfriend?

Why don't I have any friends?

-If you have to google this, that's probably why you can't get one in the first place. Try googling "social skills" instead.

Effed Up Google Searches #703-706

Why does my belly button smell?

Why do my balls smell?

Why do zits smell?

Why do farts smell worse in water?

-Come on. This is just gross.

Effed Up Google Search #515

Why do Mexicans come to America?

-Why the hell wouldn't they?

Effed Up Google Search #1347

How to become a vampire.

-I knew that Twilight shit was actually mass brainwashing...

Effed Up Google Search #108

Why do British people have bad teeth?

-Haven't you heard? Austin Powers is their idol!

Effed Up Google Searches #32-36

Why do Mexicans smell?

Why do Indians smell?

Why do Arabs stink?

Why do Asians stink?

Why do old people smell?

-It would seem everyone stinks or smells now and again. Why ask why?

Effed Up Google Searches #809-811

Why do zombies eat brains?

Why do zombies not attack each other?

Why do zombies exist?

-I'm not sure I even have anything to say to this.

Effed Up Google Search #956

How to train your dragon.

-(*hangs head in shame*) SEE: Effed Up Google Searches #809-811 for comment.

Effed Up Google Searches #188-190

Why do ugly guys get hot girls?

Why do ugly girls get boyfriends?

Why do ugly people exist?

-If you have to google this, chances are you're jealous of someone you claim is "ugly". This makes you feel insecure. You should google "local psychiatrists" instead.

Effed Up Google Search #2000

How to quit my job.

-Well, the answer to this is surprisingly simple, and we have many options available to quit your job. My first recommendation would be to find another job. Then, once said job is secured, you can:

A: Walk in to work, and give a "two weeks notice". This is accepted as common practice for quitting a job. In two weeks time, you can officially stop attending work.

-I know there was probably more to this, but either way it made me laugh.

Effed Up Google Search #1101

How to impress a French girl.

-I guess there are different criteria for impressing French women as opposed to other women.

Effed Up Google Search #329

How to find your celebrity look alike.

-As if we all had a celebrity look alike.

Effed Up Google Searches #643-647

What do I want for Christmas?

What do I want to eat?

What do I do with my life?

What do you want from me?

Why is life so hard?

-I don't think the answers you're looking for can be found on google.

Effed Up Google Searches #9999-Infinite

How do I google (fill in appropriate idiotic search term here)?

-(*Can't respond, is too busy banging head against wall*)

Effed Up Google Searches #11-12

What do flowers mean?

What do Jack's tattoos mean?

-(*Hasn't stopped banging head against wall*)

Effed Up Google Search #492

What do leprechauns eat?

Why do leprechauns wear green?

-Silly Rabbit! Trix are for kids!

Effed Up Google Search #2083

What do quizzes really know about you?

-Answer: Nothing. Well they must know everything they claim to, otherwise you wouldn't be taking them would you?

Effed Up Google Search #33585

Why is crack cheaper than coke?

-Try asking your local crack head. On second thought, maybe you're better off with google.

Effed Up Google Search #770-772

Why is the sky blue?

Why is the grass green?

Why is google called google?

-Hello, God? Yeah, Mr. Trump just called. He says you're fired.

Hello, Google? Congratulations, you've just been promoted!

Effed Up Google Search #1

-The fact that I only had to type in "why c" to get this to come up is a scary thought.

The sad part is, I can almost guarantee that Google has an answer to everyone of those questions (*more head banging*). Anyway, stay tuned for another list next week.

-The Girl Who Loves to Whine

P.S. For Effed Up Google Search #2 (or debatably #1) type "why is t" into the google search box. I didn't want to get banned from blogspot for offensive content, and wasn't ballsy enough to include it here. If you can't figure out which one it is, there's probably something wrong with you.

P.P.S. Also, whoever said "There's no such thing as a stupid question," was a complete and utter moron.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

It finally happened yesterday. I officially posted something offensive on my blog. Apparently it was offensive enough that it deserved a snarky little comment from someone on 20 Something Bloggers.

I got the email first.

It read: So and So has a posted a new comment on your blog!

I was like, Yay! for me.

So I log onto the 20SB site, click on my post and read the comment. It went a little something like this:

Blah blah blah... Not all art has to be "aesthetically pleasing." That's why it is so difficult to be an artist... blah blah blah... So no, not everyone can be an artist... blah blah blah... why don't we all just lay on our backs and look at church ceilings?... blah blah blah...

In my haste to rid my beautiful post of this nasty comment, I immediately found the little X button in the upper right hand corner of her comment, and deleted it. Then, somewhere deep down inside of me, I flicked on the "BITCH" switch that every woman owns and sometimes wishes she didn't. I left one angry comment on my 20SB version of my blog, and another 2 angry comments on this version.

In retrospect, I sort of regret doing this. Not the 3 angry comments, but deleting So and So's snarky comment. I wish I had left it there as an example for all on how not to be a rude, stuck up, snobby, little wench. (OK, that might be a little harsh, but you get the idea.) The thing is, I don't think So and So even bothered to read the post. From the way she wrote the comment, it seems as though she read the title and was so offended that she felt the need to say something without even looking at what was written, and as she was scrolling down to click the comment button, she might have picked up a few pieces here and there. I think ultimately, this is what pissed me off.

If So and So had wanted to disagree with me, there was a right way to do so. And if So and So had gone about it in the right way (i.e. maybe actually reading what I had said), I would have gladly left her comment on there for the world to see. Never once did I say that for something to be considered art it must be "aesthetically pleasing," the point was more that I think art should take some kind of effort, (Woman VI probably took some effort, but like I said it looks like a whole lot of scribbles to me). I don't think signing your name to a toilet really requires a whole lot of effort. Nor does painting a rainbow in big blocks of color. I would like to point out, that I actually do like this painting (Blue, Green, Yeah Yeah Yeah). Would I pay thousands of dollars to put it in my home? Even if I had thousands of dollars just laying around? Absolutely not. Because it looks like I could have done that myself. That was the joke. Get it now? You Can Be an Artist Too!

The second half of this joke, was that I think a whole lot of people try to make something out of nothing. For example, interpretations of Andy Warhol, (one of his pieces is a Campbell's soup can) are debated as trying to say something profound about commercial advertisement, while others think this was his little joke on society. Personally, I'd like to think it was a joke on society. And whose to say he's the first? Isn't it possible French Guy's little urinal trick was another? Or DaVinci's Mona Lisa? How many people have wasted countless hours pondering what she may or may not have been thinking about, all simply for that one little upturned corner of her mouth?

Also, the overall statement of fact here, was that I don't understand art. I don't understand what makes "good" art, and what makes "bad" art. If French Guy is right and "anything can be art" than what makes someone pay over 100 million dollars (true story) for a Picasso painting and 50 dollars for another? Could it be status? Could it be that some rich guy is so desperate to show off his wealth that he wants a Picasso to display in his home for all his friends to see and be jealous of? If so, does that not defeat the purpose? Isn't the whole point of art to say something? If someone buys a piece simply for status, haven't they missed the whole point? Why does French Guy's urinal suddenly make people think about society when other urinals are just toilets? Am I the only person alive who thinks this is madness?

Finally, I would like to take a moment to debate So and So's comment that "Not everyone can be an artist." To that I would say, You Are Wrong! So and So. Can everyone be the next Leonardo DaVinci? No. If that was what you meant, you should have clarified. Artists do not belong to some exclusive club that no one can join. While it isn't my cup of tea, if it is yours then I say go for it. Everyone has dreams, no matter how big or how small, and if your dream is to be the next Leonardo DaVinci then great. After all, you never know if you don't try.

Oh yeah, and one other thing. After I calmed down and flicked the "BITCH" switch off, I asked Mr. Wonderful to read my post and give me his thoughts. He said:

"You're mean. You kind of sound like a bitch."

Mom says I have a dry sense of humor. Maybe that's why I sound like a bitch. I also think intentions don't always translate into writing, and my intentions weren't at all bitchy. My intentions fell somewhere more along the lines of sarcasm and irony. To that I say:

Dear So and So:

I apologize for sounding bitchy on my post. I apologize for deleting your comment so hastily. I won't apologize for offending you, because truthfully I don't care. Also, for many democratic countries out there, we have the right to freedom of speech. I live in one of these countries. Freedom of speech was our first amendment to the constitution, so I also won't retract any of my statements. I stand firm behind each and every one of them. My advice to you would be to relax, and try to see the humor in your apparently most treasured hobby. Because if you go through the rest of your life like that, than it's probably not going to be a very enjoyable one. Part of growing up is learning to laugh at yourself.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hello World! No, I haven't given blogging up yet. I've been afflicted with writer's block for the past few days (oh okay, almost a week now). Life has been fairly boring, I've had nothing to really whine about. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

On an up note, today was the last day of classes for the semester. Yay! for no summer school. In the traditional way of schooling, I actually learned something today. (I know this information must be shocking to you, it was to me too.) My history professor has made it a point to cover all aspects of history, from women's rights, to civil rights movements, to wars, to art. At the beginning of the semester, I came to think of my professor as a cultured woman because of this big focus on art. I myself have never had a big appreciation for art, I know what I like, and I know what I don't. While I don't really appreciate art, I used to think I could at least recognize it when I saw it.

Apparently-

I was wrong.

I learned today, that post WWII, some French guy decided that anything, yes, anything, can be art. What is important is not, as you (or is it just I?) might think, what you are actually looking at, but your interpretation of what you are looking at.

Here's an example:

This is a piece by Ellsworth Kelley. Can you guess what it's called? Since I'm betting you're not psychic, I'm going to tell you. Ready?

Blue, Green, Yellow, Orange, Red.

Amazing right? I know, I was shocked to discover the name too. In case you're confused as to which piece I'm referring to, it's the one on the left. I can't be sure but I think the one on the right might have been done by the same artist. Could it be called Orange, Red...?

My teacher says this is an amazing piece. "Look at how the red and yellow make orange stand out." She says.

Ummm, yeah. A rainbow. This guy is AMAZING!

Here's another:

This is called Woman VI. Somewhere in that disturbing mess, is indeed a woman. A woman that was painted by a man, who must have been tripping on acid. Teacher says "Isn't this beautiful? Look at all the beautiful colors." I personally, would recommend looking at a kaleidoscope if you want to see pretty colors. You won't have half as many nightmares. But that's just me.

This brings me to the French Guy who made this all possible. Here's what he thinks qualifies as art:

No. You are not seeing things. You didn't accidentally get high while reading my blog. That, my friends, is indeed, a urinal. Can you see the art in this? Can you see the satirical political commentary French Guy has made? Does this inspire you? Does it make you question life? Have you developed a miraculous new philosophy all from looking at this urinal?

Right.

Neither did I.

Do you feel more cultured now? Will you look at the weed growing in the crack in your driveway now and feel inspired to scribble a nightmarish wench onto a paper? Will you frame it and call it Scribble V? Will it travel to the Louvre so people can admire all your pretty scribbles? Will you auction it off for 100 million dollars?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

So on a slightly more serious note, I'd like to leave you all with some things to think about. As you probably all will eventually figure out, I have a serious problem with organized religion (to be more specific, Christianity). This is not to say I think badly of Christians; my problem lies more with the religion itself.

Last year while writing a short paper for school on the concept of reincarnation, I discovered that I was an accidental Buddhist. Accidental in the way that I had never really studied Buddhism and had no idea that this was the closest to religion I'd ever been. Buddhism, for those of you that don't know, does not have a God that you are expected to worship. Instead there is Siddhartha Buddha, a man who actually lived, (similar to the Jesus of Christianity). You are not expected to worship him, but instead improve your life, and your behaviors by modeling your life after his.

They believe in karma, and that karma is carried forward from one life to the next (reincarnation). Contrary to popular belief, if you lead a "bad" life, you are not reincarnated as a cow or pig (or whatever else you might come back as), but instead you come into the next life as more of a "tortured" soul, and you must work to earn good karma until your slate has been swept clean. You may reach Nirvana through practicing Dharma (protection against suffering and negativity, usually attained through meditation) and then teaching it to others.

Buddhists also believe that every living creature has a soul, and that no one life is no more important than the next.

Now when I say that I am a Buddhist, I do not mean to say that I won't kill a spider if it happens to be in my vicinity indoors (outdoors I tend to just leave them alone), or that I will repent for 7 days straight if I accidentally run over a grass hopper with my lawn mower (just kidding about that one - I don't mow lawns). Nor do I seriously meditate or teach meditation to others.

But -

I do not believe there is some higher being out there responsible for all of our comings and goings. Nor do I believe that God's little invention of free will and original sin (which by the way was blamed on a woman) serves as a sufficient explanation as to why some children get leukemia and others are millionaires.

Truthfully, the idea of gods were a creation of man designed to explain things we as human beings could not at the time explain. Someone once argued to me that existence in itself was enough proof for him that there had to be a god out there somewhere. I believe it's just another scientific explanation waiting to be discovered.

Some Christians have tried to tell me they believe in both the Bible and the theory of evolutionism. This baffles me more than anything as they are completely contradictory, and both cannot be true. I can respect a person who completely 100% stands by their convictions. Saying you believe both sides is like saying you're a "Sometimes Christian." And if this is the case are you therefore a "good" Christian or a "bad" Christian?

I would also like to comment on this all-mighty, all-knowing, all-loving God. Would a god who truly loves all his people also condemn a person to an eternal Hell for something as simple as missing church one Sunday? In Dante Alighieri's Inferno, Virgil the poet was condemned to Hell for no other reason than that he "made the mistake" of being born before Christianity was known to man. Can that truly be called loving? Or is it only the really really bad (i.e. murderers and rapists) people who are damned? If that's the case does someone who is "kind of good" get the same Heaven as someone who is purely good? If so, does that give anyone incentive to be purely good all the time? Buddhism believes in "reaping what you sow." God or no, doesn't that seem to be, in the very least, more fair? Wouldn't an all-loving God believe in justice?

This brings me to the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Does it not seem ironic to any Christian that they go to church every Sunday and worship a man who was Jewish? Since the invention of Christianity, all through out history, Christian's have blamed, persecuted, and killed Jews for no other reason than that they were Jewish. They were blamed for the Bubonic Plague. Hitler blamed them for the German loss of World War I (a mere 70 years ago mind you, and people were all too willing to follow). Whatever happened to "Thou shalt not kill" and "Love thy neighbor as thyself"? It wasn't okay for the Romans to crucify Jesus, but it is okay for Christians to kill Jewish people? Should I even bother to mention the fact that The Old Testament is in fact the Jewish bible? Or that without Judaism, Christianity wouldn't even exist?

Jesus also claimed that God spoke to him. Nowadays when a man claims that God speaks to him, we label him as a schizophrenic, strap him into a nice little strait jacket, and toss him into a comfy little padded room. So Jesus can speak to God but no one else can?

Contrary to what you may be thinking now, my point is not that Christians are bad. My point is that Christianity as a whole is fairly hypocritical. It bothers me when the nuns come to my doorstep and ask if I need "saving." It's like a kind of backhanded insult. While I understand at the heart of it are good intentions, they haven't stopped to think about how what they are saying will affect the people they're saying it to. I don't knock on your door and tell you that you will become a tortured soul in the next life if you don't start meditating now. Don't Christian's believe in humility? In being humble? Isn't it rather arrogant of you to assume I need saving?

I'm not asking you to become Buddhist. I'm not even saying this is the best religion you could possibly follow. I'm asking you to stop, and think for a moment. To not simply accept what you are told, but to question it, because that is the path to enlightenment. And isn't enlightenment a form of Heaven? Isn't that what we're all working towards anyway?

Friday, April 30, 2010

Wow. I've made it an entire 3 days into my blogging career. Yay! for not giving up. It has occurred to me that I need readers though. It has also occurred to me that it seems silly to look for readers when I haven't given them much to read. Conversely, it seems silly to write if you have no readers. Since I am forced to either ignore one of these simple facts or give up blogging entirely, I've decided to ignore the fact that I have no readers, and go on writing as if the entire world was hinging on my every word.

I spent the better part of this morning on a hunt to gain even one follower. I've already tried Friend. Her computer broke. She has a Microsoft computer. Microsoft is shit. Sorry Bill. I made the switch to Apple about 3 years ago and I'll never go back. That is not to say I love everything about Macs, but since I've owned mine I've never had to say "My computer is broken." This is way off subject I know. I have A.D.D.. My boyfriend would argue that it's actually A.D.H.D., but he's not a doctor.

Anyway...

I tried the Google Coffee Shop. I want to post my blog on one of those "You read mine, I'll read yours" threads. But all the good ones with lots and lots of activity, seem to have been "answered" and are no longer open for replies. Google Coffee Shop, you are also shit.

My mom, The Chicken's Consigliere, (the only blog I currently follow, you should check it out too) says the best way to get readers is to follow other people's blogs and leave comments. Since Mom is always right, I started a very long search for an even remotely interesting blog that I wouldn't mind following. I checked out a lot of blogs on Google Coffee Shop in those threads that won't allow me to "answer" the non-existent questions there.

I found blogs about being physically fit and losing weight. This seems a little strange to me. If I was interested in losing weight or being physically fit, my ass wouldn't be plunked on the couch searching for blogs. It would be outside or at the gym instead.

I found a blog about a British guy who has apparently had a disastrous dating life. I read one of his posts and the only thing funny about it was the part where he told his date he was going to the bathroom and then ditched her at the table. While the rest of his story was mildly entertaining, Plenty of Fish already has 762 followers. And since large crowds make me nauseous, I decided to move on.

I also found a Diary of a Fat Chick. While it was nice to find someone in the world wide web who could make a joke out of her... um... fatness... I couldn't find anything interesting on the site.

I found an Indian guy, I think, (and I mean Indian, not Native American) whose blog I nearly subscribed to. He had a funny story about some test he went to take, a girl he met at the test, and then proceeded to take to lunch. My problem with this one was that the story in itself wasn't that funny, but more the way he worded things. For example, I think "Should we hire an auto?" really means "Want to take a taxi?" but I'm not really sure. I have a feeling english is his second language. This would be fine - and more power to him, (I can speak two languages too, if you count Spanglish) - except that subscribing to a site because you think their english is funny is for lack of a better term, Fucked Up. (Not that I'm denying being Fucked Up, it's just that my Fucked Uppedness is generally reserved for myself, friends, family and boyfriend only.) Deciding that Stirrup King deserved another chance, (and generally feeling guilty about thinking his english was humorous, because truthfully it's pretty good) I clicked on a different post in his blog. Someone named Rajnikanth came into the story and killed a bee with his flying sword. Feeling more than a little dazed and confused, I decided to move on.

Next I found my way onto a blog about a girl who had apparently just been dumped. The content of her blog was borderline insane. It was in fact so horrifying, that I was actually compelled to continue reading the entirety of the content of her site. (Lucky me, there were only 3 posts.) While some of it was indeed funny, (i.e. the pervert named Brian she met online and was thinking she liked and then blocked a mere 30 hours after meeting him) I felt it was wrong to follow her blog when I would be laughing at her and not with her. She's probably not even laughing. Also, just in case the "I follow you, you follow me" scheme actually works, I really didn't want this mentally unstable person leaving comments on my blog.

Then there was Sexy Bitchy Fabulous. She looked like she was semi-normal. But her posts were mostly pictures, and the few words she had on the page weren't that interesting. She should just get a Facebook.

Thus, I gave up.

Maybe I'll try some of the followers on my Mom's blog. We have similar tastes, so maybe I'll get lucky.