Bridging the Gap

I appreciate your column with its practical suggestions and helpful advice.

I am a Baalat Teshuva, someone who became religious later in life, with young children of my own. I feel at times immense resentment of my non-religious parents who, although they have largely compromised on personal religious issues with both myself and my husband, still comment on matters which govern our lives. For example, they resent
the fact that we have a large family. They informed us that they and my husband's parents don't want us to have any more children! To keep "shalom" we listen, but afterwards the resentment and hurt builds up inside me and I can't seem to release them.

How is it possible to keep one's perspective on this issue of resentment when parents/in-laws are not observant?

Dear Reader,

The scenario you describe is not an uncommon one among Baalei Teshuva (those returnees to an observant lifestyle) and their families of origin. Unfortunately, when both protagonists dig their heels in, much unnecessary heartache and pain ensues. Instead of becoming increasingly invested in their positions and widening the gap between them, I think both sides would do well to consider the following points.

You inform me that your parents have made compromises on your behalf and that only the issue of a large family remains a source of conflict and tremendous hurt. I hope that I am assuming correctly that you understand and fully appreciate the major adjustments a lifestyle change such as yours imposes on your family. The accommodations they have made for you must be seen and interpreted as generous expressions as love and caring. You must not take them for granted and moreover you must be sure to express your gratitude every step along the way.

For some parents your decision to becomes observant may feel as a condemnation, a negative assessment of the quality of life they had heretofore provided in the upbringing of their children.

Aside from the practical adjustments and compromises, parents find themselves at a loss to intellectually grasp and comprehend the necessity for this change in course and the major upheaval that it brings in its wake. At a deeper emotional level, it may feel to them as a condemnation, a negative judgment and assessment of the quality of life they had heretofore provided in the upbringing of their children. It threatens the core of their being because it computes in their mind as a rejection of what they deemed as their best efforts.

The only antidote to their feelings of being left out in the cold as you march off to the beat of your own drummer and to what appears to them as your newly discovered nirvana, is to be inclusive rather than exclusive.

You need to rewind back to your formative years in your parents' home and identify what it was that gave you the spirit of inquiry, the seeds of your metaphysical quest for search and meaning. What gave you the courage to strike out and the ability to search for truth? Invariably you will find that parents, while not committed to the specific behaviors of the lifestyle you have embraced, nonetheless gave you the potential, the wherewithal to return to your roots. Undoubtedly, they created an environment of love, affection, common decency and openness etc, and other components of a positive nature that encouraged you along the way.

It is important that you recognize that in large measure you stand on their shoulders. What you are doing does not emerge out of a vacuum. Hence, you are beholden to them and must give credit where credit is due. Let your parents know that your journey was made possible by them and the many years they invested in you and that you are eternally grateful. Inclusive not exclusive.

Sit down with your parents and have an open, heart-to-heart talk with them.

Having said that, I would advise you to sit down with your parents and have an open, heart-to-heart talk with them. Don't be defensive. Don't try to explain the many reasons for a large family; they have heard them before. Just allow yourself to be vulnerable. Let them know that you understand their concern for you. Every parent wants to see their child "happy" and comfortable. In their minds and to their way of thinking, increasing the pressures of life by assuming more and more responsibility with each additional child, does not configure or fit in with the picture of a good and easy life.

The following incident may prove instructive. Emily, a young attorney with a brilliant future, made the decision to embrace an observant Torah life. Initially, her parents dismissed it as a fad, a passing phase, reminiscent of her "hippie" days given to unconventional and antiestablishment behavior. But the test of time proved otherwise, and they watched in horror as their accomplished daughter began to produce baby after baby.

On one occasion, her mother blurted out in exasperation, "When is it going to be your turn? You will never be able to afford the good things in life -- vacations, Las Vegas, cruises etc, and all other earthly delights and pleasures. You will be paying tuitions for the rest of your life!"

Emily realized that at the core of her parents' outrage and disapproval was a genuine concern for her. They wanted their beloved 'baby' to have a 'good life'. Emily assured them that her chosen path, though inscrutable to them, was best for her and having children was her greatest source of joy. She had 'been there and done that.' She had as a youngster already experienced affluence and had known the 'good life'. She found that though her current life was not easy and raising many children did exact a tremendous toll, ultimately the opportunity to bring decent human beings into the world was the most meaningful and rewarding calling.

At the conclusion, with a gleam in her eye, Emily pointed to her delightful crew and asked, "By the way, which one of these precious gems would you like me to send back?"

I think it is important for you, my dear reader, to openly enlist your parents' assistance. You need to share with them the pain that their disapproval causes you. You should also share the fact that under the best of circumstances, even as committed as you are to the way of life you have chosen, it is not an easy road to navigate. Even the most healthy and delightful children demand enormous physical, emotional and psychic energy, and that you find it hard to do it alone, without their support and involvement.

Let them know that while your way of life is not negotiable, you desperately need their support and approval.

Let them know that while your way of life is not negotiable, you desperately need their support and approval. You need to see them take delight in their grandchildren. Tell them it will warm your heart and give you the necessary strength to go on. Additionally, assure them that you are acting responsibly -- that there are Torah criteria and authorities to consult if mitigating issues concerning having more children should arise, and that you will avail yourselves of these resources when necessary.

In Emily's case it took a number of years. She bided her time. She continued to interact lovingly and respectfully with her parents. They exchanged visits a number of times a year. Fear and trepidation seized Emily every time she had to inform her parents of yet another pregnancy.

Finally, at the Bar Mitzvah of her first child, when her father beheld the beautiful and accomplished young man, he conceded with tears in his eyes. He admitted that he had been misguided in his intransigence and that she had in fact been on the right track. Nothing in the world, he admitted, could give him more 'nachas' and joy than his wonderful grandchildren -- every one of them.

Admittedly, not every situation is so happily resolved. But you must put forth your best effort to celebrate every expression of progress and every move in the right direction. I would advise you to do the following:

Surround yourself and network with people of like values and if possible similar challenges.

Try to maintain the high moral road of respect and love to parents even when the situation is tough and you would desperately want to see a more accepting and approving stance from them.

Remind them that you are their child, who bears the imprint of the values they have impressed upon you even if they do manifest themselves differently in the life of your choosing. Inform them that though your horizons may now encompass "a road less traveled," you are and will always be their beloved offspring who needs their love, approval and support.

Pray and beseech the "Ultimate Parent" to give you strength and wisdom and to bless your wonderful endeavors with success as only He can.

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About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

Visitor Comments: 10

(10)
Dena Silver,
September 9, 2004 12:00 AM

concern about large family

I was interested in your response to the woman whose parents were concerned about her large family. I feel the parents overstepped proper boundaries by commenting on such a private matter.
On the other hand, I, also, am concerned about the pressure on young Orthodox couples to have large families.
I think it's worthwhile to wonder if the parents worry that their grandchildrens' well-being has been compromised.
No, not that the grandchildren should take vacations.
Not that the grandchildren should have expensive toys.
I don't know this family and far be it from me to pass judgment, but I think the point should be considered, that in many cases, it's possible the
non-religious grandparents are concerned for more serious reasons.
It's true, the grandparents are inappropriate to make any suggestion.
To actually tell their daughter outright she should not have more children is degrading to the daughter.
By their inappropriateness, they disregard their daughter's well-being.
However, it's possible the daughter reenacts this pattern by showing similar disregard in not considering
her ability to mother each child,
as she refrains from the practice of responsible birth control.

(9)
Bayla Neuwirth,
April 26, 2004 12:00 AM

Very timely article

We were discussing this very issue at our Women's Rosh Chodesh group last night. The speaker's topic was Respecting one's father and mother, and several women spoke about how difficult it is to do that when their parents are so critical of their new lifestyles. I am printing your article and will present it to these wonderful ladies. Thank you.

(8)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2004 12:00 AM

Audrey,

If you reread her comments, I think
you will see that she means she listens politely rather than starting an argument, but does what she needs to
in her life.

(7)
Leah Abramowitz,
April 22, 2004 12:00 AM

As usual, the Rebbetzen is "right on"

As usual Rebbetzen Twersky has dealt with a very current and pressing intergenerational issue, so characteristic of our time. So many of our nucleur families advocate different life styles and as she so beautifully explained much of parents' objections to their religious ffsprings'attachment to mitzvot or certain rabbinical leaders is their feeling that they and their principles are being rejected. It's not necessarily a rational thing, and so I'm not sure just explaining logically where one is coming from will always help (but it's better than being resentful and stewing in one's unexpressed -- hopefully -- anger). Like several of your readers TIME is often the great healer, especially if the door is left open. I too experienced great resistance from my late father whenever he saw me pregnant again. But by the time he reached old age and saw the difference between "dati" youngsters and those brought up in secular homes, he came to change his mind and admitted we had taken the right step. Hang in there.

(6)
Anonymous,
April 21, 2004 12:00 AM

non-religious parents

The only issue touched on in this article is the one of having "so many children" I also find that my non-religious parents disagree with our sending our children to Day Schools. They feel that public school was good enough for me and that it is a waste of our very limited resources. They see my brother taking expensive vacations and living in a much higher material standard of living, since his (only) two children go to public school and we have several tuitions to pay. My mother has even voiced her opinions to my young children that public school is just as good as Yeshiva education.

After hearing what Bubbie said from my six-year-old I felt that I had to tell my mother that she needs to stop trying to undermind the way we are bringing up our children. I try to be respectful of my parents, but they even tell my children that it is ok to travel on Shabbos and they get very angry when I ask them not to travel on Shabbos when they visit us.

I'd really like some advice on how to handle this situation.

(5)
Anonymous,
April 21, 2004 12:00 AM

Non religious and newly religious children

I had a similar experience with my parents where they were cirticizing us for having "so many children." Their cocerns were of a materialisic nature. Our reasons for having children are different than theirs. I felt there was nothing wrong to discuss the matter and simply say that we differ on this point and their is no reason why thje relationship should suffer as a result. As time went on they started to enjoy the fact that the had many grandchildren. The resposibility for raising them is theirs so why not enjoy it if you can. When my father,ò"ä,became ill there were enough grandchildren to take turns to make sure someone was always visiting him or my mother. And now that he has passed away and my mother is alone either I or her granchildren are visiting her and she feels wonderful that now that she is by herself she is not alone. My conclusion is that you know what you are doing is right and you parents will adjust as time goes on. I've seen it happen to others as well. Best wishes for a happy and healthy family and a long and fulfilling life.

(4)
Audrey Fishel,
April 20, 2004 12:00 AM

What do you mean by, 'To keep shalom we listen' ?!

I hope you are not refraining from having children just to appease your two sets of parents! That would be against Jewish law, and would breed resentment in you and be your lifelong sorrow. If you wait until your parents agree and realize each child is priceless to them, it may be too late to bring all those wonderful souls into the world! My non-religious grandmother finally admitted one day, 'The only real currency here in Florida is pictures of your grandchildren'. Don't give up your pride and joys!

(3)
David Schacht,
April 19, 2004 12:00 AM

Spiritual and Financial Independence

As a baal tshuva (and a parent!), I can sympathize with the newly religious woman and with her parents. It is difficult but very necessary and beneficial to everyone to maintain the bridge to non-religious relatives. Also, if the non-religious relatives are being asked for financial support, it may increase their resentment. If that is the case, I believe it is important to lead your life spiritually and financially independent of your non-religious parents.

(2)
Harry Walker,
April 18, 2004 12:00 AM

Re:Bridging the gap.

I read the article with extreme interest. I am a non-religious Jew but a Jew nonetheless, and my wife is a religious Jew. We have 2 daughters and a son all of whom married out of the religion. I never interfered or influenced my children with my beliefs. My wife upholds the Jewish holidays and I go along with her. I fast on Yum Kippur, observe the Passover rituals even to leading the seder, and my wife and shildren light Hannukah menorahs. I was never Bar Mitzvahed but my son was. I do not interfere in the religious portion of my grandchildren but I have made it known to my youngest daughter and her 2 girls that if their paternal grandparents try to impose their religion on them, I will then impose mine albeit I am not religious but I feel they should know of their Jewish heritage. I can tell you that I am not sure of how my children believe and I have never asked them. When I am asked questions about my beliefs I respond honestly but without stressing my way. Two of my children were married by a rabbi and the third by a justice of the peace. I refused to allow a marriage with a rabbi and a priest doing the service. As a Jew I find it to be a travesty on both sides.
I hope you find this an interesting opinion and maybe as a response to Bridging the Gap.

(1)
Anonymous,
April 18, 2004 12:00 AM

Parental Concerns

If Emily's parents were like another set of parents I know, they might be concerned about whether she'll have a "good life" (aka materialistic one), but one of the outspoken concerns is the resentment they probably feel at having spent all that money (Emily's included) on providing her with a superior secular education and Emily never using it. Their feeling may be "we spent money on you to be a lawyer, not a brood mare." It's unspoken, but I'm sure it's there.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...