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A red-headed stepchild, a member of a gang with secret nicknames and the Keeper of the Flame? This Survivor thing is like summer camp, but with built-in Bulimia nervosa. How can it get any cooler than that? ----------------------------------------

“John 3:16 – And we’ll give you other college basketball scores as they come in.” - Krista arrives at Recycle Island’s version of the Crystal Cathedral and makes an offering unto Matt, playing Jessica Hahn to Matt’s Jim Bakker. She admires Matt’s positive attitude and asks if he prays as much as she does. “Do I ever!” Saint Matt replies. “Let’s have a pray-off right now. The first one to make a lamb materialize wins.” Strangely, there is no mention of mint jelly. While they wait for Lambchop to beam down, Matt says that he thinks that “God put me here” on Survivor. God works in mysterious ways that include a 17 page Survivor application, a video application, headshots, auditions and face to face interviews with Me and several segment producers. Let’s not even mention the psychological screening that “Passed-over” Phillip somehow. Smite that, King of Kings.

After the cuddle bunnies finish poking each other *nudge nudge* and calling each other “blondie”, Krista gets serious and says that she plans to compete hard against Matt in the Challenge. That’s when Matt realizes that Krista is a “firecracker”, if not exactly a sparkler.

Work and Play Well With Others - Over at Zelig, Steve is stewing about Krista and Stephanie voting for him at last night’s Tribal Council. When he asks Stephanie about it, she tells him that the Russellz Girlz™ alliance voted for him because they think he’s the weakest member of the team, but he shouldn’t take it too personally because she feels he’s doing his best. The only thing missing in this exchange is Stephanie patting him condescendingly on the head. In her confessional Stephanie reveals that she is trying to Zelig-ize her personality to appeal to others and is “not going to be too crazy about bashing people.” The only thing standing between her and one million dollars is that she hates to suck up to people. That and the fact that there are very few Challenges that play to her strengths as a waitress, but I’ll have the Challenge Designers try to whip something up that involves balancing plates up your arm and screwing up the check.

It’s Not Pretty Being Easy - At Omerta, Ashley and Natalie have declared another “Spa Day” and are down at Depilatory Beach using their fingers, the machete and a teeny, tiny lawnmower to trim hair from their underarm, leg, eyebrow and bikini line areas. Meanwhile Phillip is beside himself with frustration that “the girls” don’t make an effort to do anything useful around camp. Phillip-san is so upset that he’s making wild Wax on, Wax off gestures with his hands and he’s seriously thinking of adding Mr. Miyagi and a Crane to his tattoo zoo. We can only hope that he doesn’t sweep the leg.

At Phillip’s regular confessional appointment, he whines that he checks the fire every half hour and he wants credit for his hard work. You may think that one man’s delusional nutjob is another man’s Special Agent Nutjob, but before you judge Special Agent Sheppard too harshly, consider this; Phillip was the only one who reached into his pocket when it was time to rent Omerta’s campsite and he just wants his security deposit back when this is all over. He vents that, “If I go to Redemption Island before Ashley and Natalie, there is something wrong with the game.” He adds that he feels like their “red-headed stepchild”, proving that he has a lot to learn about biology, heredity and cosmetology.

Redemption Island Duel: We call it “maze” - Jiffy checks ticket stubs and shows Andrea and Natalie from Omerta as well as Zelig’s Julie and Mike to their seats. He explains that both Matt and Krista will throw grappling hooks to retrieve three bags. Each bag contains a ball and once you have all three bags you can use one of the balls to roll through a table maze. The advantage would seem to go with Krista, who undoubtedly has more experience sinking her hooks into bags while shopping at the mall than the devout and presumably frugal pre-med student Matt. The winner gets to stay at beautiful Recycle Island while the loser will have to go to the Ponderosa and apply a layer of Carnauba wax to Russell’s head.

Sufficiently motivated, Krista hooks the first bag with her first toss. After his grappling hook misses its mark, Matt finds his target on toss number two and hauls in a bag. Krista manages to grab the three bags on three tosses and starts her maze first, but Matt refuses to panic and soon catches up to Krista on the table maze. Whether Jiffy’s play-by-play makes her nervous or if she doesn’t have enough experience with the Holy Trinity of college drinking games (tilt-a-maze, beer pong and Buzz), Krista loses her focus and Matt wins his fourth Duel.

Before Krista leaves she tells everyone that Matt is a “strong believer” and presents him with her pink Barbie Bible. Matt is touched by Krista’s gift, but Andrea, in the role of Tammy Faye Bakker, gives her Survivor husband some stink eye and realizes that he may be “a dangerous player”. Well, that’s code, isn’t it? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned who would rather be wearing 16 lbs of makeup.

Sarita Has a Dental Breakdown – As Day 15 dawns at Zelig, Sarita has had a tooth brushing collision between a twig and her gums, resulting in some discomfort and a need for pity from everyone around her. After asking Ralph if her face looks swollen for the twentieth time, he remarks in confession, “Sarita, she’s trying to be too fancy of a girl for this kind of game. Besides, who needs more than 5 or 6 teef for good chewin’ anyway?” David sees Sarita’s whining as a wedge that Stephanie can use to improve her position. He encourages her to make a connection with tribe members. Stephanie agrees that this is a good idea if she can just figure out how to suck up to people that she hates. “Why didn’t I learn this in school?” she muses. You did, spawn of Russell. It’s called High School.

America’s Next Top Lunatic – Phillip continues his chores and also continues to simmer about Ashley and Natalie not doing their share. After barking out commands and having them refused, the pot lid boils right off and Phillip gets into a shouting match with Ashley and Natalie, calling them beauty queens. Ashley sputters, “Phillip is mental, like he literally has a mental … Somebody needs to diagnose him.” Use your words, Ashley, use your words. Later, Rob takes Phillip aside and calms him down in an effort to balance tribe unity with voting leverage.

IC – The Chippendale’s Lacrosse Team – Jiffy puts down his double mocha latte and strolls onto the beach to explain that this challenge involves two members of each tribe launching balls with a slingshot toward the water while the remaining tribe members will try to catch them with webbed Lacrosse sticks. First tribe to five points wins Immunity and a picnic reward. Sarita and her tooth sit out for Zelig.

Stephanie and David launch the balls for Zelig and it’s obvious that this is supposed to be part of David’s plan to have Stephanie Zelig her reputation in a more positive light. But between ex-NFL receiver/Yoga Instructor Grant’s Scorpion Pose and his stop-and-go route, he doesn’t make an Asana of himself and catches four of the five balls need to win. Defending him is Mike, who can only tear Grant’s shirt off of him while trying to hold. So when all of the shouting and finger-pointing is done, Omerta shuts out Zelig five to zip.

Pic-a-nic Basket – While Zelig enjoys their picnic lunch, Rob spots a Clue to the HII next to the centerpiece and sends a telepathic message to Grant that causes him to see and grab the Clue. There’s no “pick and roll” this time, but both men surreptitiously leave the table to read the Clue in private. While they’re focused on the Clue, Phillip sneaks up on them and catches them in the act, demanding that they share the information because he’s in the alliance too, dammit, and he’s “all about integrity”... and tending the fire; let’s not forget the fire.

Now this thought is a little out of left field, but just go with it. Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen out, Phillip Sheppard in. Phillip would be The Specialist, John Cryer is the Mentalist and Angus T. Jones is The Assassin. Don’t say no just yet. Give it a couple of days to sink in. Then PM me.

“If it pleases the Tribal Council…” - Knowing that she’s in the hot seat, Stephanie decides to be demure and rational. Oops, just kidding. She calls Sarita “weak” and doesn’t think that Sarita wants to be there anymore. Steve pulls out his playbook and boils it down this way; Stephanie may be spunkier, but Sarita is more trustworthy. David continues to lobby for Stephanie, but the rest of tribe thinks Sarita speaks the tooth and send Stephanie to the Redemption Island Diner to serve it up to Miracle Matt. While David goes to file an Appeal, it seems that it’ll be separate checks at the Last Supper next week on Survivor.

I think this fracture is going to end up splitting this tribe. The best thing for us to do is to keep winning challenges and not get rid of anyone. I need to take you aside and squash this thing right away. I have to play Arafat in the peace process to bring the tribe back together. Phillip, you are right! The girls weren’t doing anything but, the less they do, the happier I am. I don’t want them to be working hard and giving us a reason to write their name down to win a million dollars at the end of this thing. I want you to annoy the crap out of everyone as much as possible.

Wow. okay, wrong type of attention. First Mike pulls my shirt off and practically dryhumps me in public and back at camp Rob wants to give attention to my soggy twig again, in public.Come back here Natalie. I need some straight time.

Here at the Really Raunchy School of Really Raunchy Girls we occasionally have a guest speaker drop by. This week it was the King himself.

I know, you're asking yourself "How did you manage to get the Coolest Raunchy Guy in the world, Sir Kingfish esq., to interrupt his tour of the Middle East and visit this humble institute of lower learning?"

Well, we didn't. We got the other King. Elvis. He's been dead for a few decades so we had a hard time getting all the dust off him, but he was patient (dead people tend to be rather reflective) and we finally managed to clean the cobwebs off and fit him with a new pair of sunglasses, cape, and sequined spandex. He's lost a little weight so there were some alterations involved, but all in all, I thought he cleaned up rather well.

Anyway, it turned out that my secret Spoiler source (*not-Russell) decided to use him as a messenger this week for his spoilers.

Spoiler #1: Fun in the Sun on the tanning beach, and a follicle plucking day for Ashley and Natalie. Natalie's "landing strip" had grown a bit bushy and was beginning to overwhelm her bikini, so Ashley volunteered to pluck her. For her part, Nat was all to willing to reciprocate as only a woman can and pluck Ashley. Andrea is also beginning to bush out of her pants, but she hasn't worked up the nerve to ask either Ashley or Natalie to pluck her.

Spoiler #2: Phillip has also been plucking his follicles. Inspite of his repeated assertions, not a single red hair was visible on his head. And no one, not even the night shift camera man has had the stomach to look anywhere else. Those red Tighty Whiteys are X-rated.

Spoiler #3: Phillip reveals that he is also a Secret Agent Latrine Digging Agent Drill Sergeant, and began marshaling the forces in his camp to gather fire wood. This is part of his brilliant "alienation" plan to win a million dollars.

Spoiler #4: Grant continues his brilliant plan to win a million dollars by making sure Rob gets the next HII clue. Grant's plan is so idiotic that it's actually brilliant. He's gone thru the looking glass.

Spoiler #5: This week the camera crew will mistake Rooster for beach fuzz and overlook his presence completely. As a result, Steve will actually get face time. Congratulations, Steve.

Spoiler #6: Speaking of brilliant plans, Stephanie will continue on her path to beat Saint Matthew and stage the BEST COMEBACK EVER!!!

Phillip has also been plucking his follicles. Inspite of his repeated assertions, not a single red hair was visible on his head. And no one, not even the night shift camera man has had the stomach to look anywhere else. Those red Tighty Whiteys are X-rated.

Oh my BOB! That's it. There was a bottle of Clairol "Sultry Red Head" in the trash. You sayin' that Phillip dies his nether regions and his bloomers turning pink is just color run?

If you don't that will be an insult to the United States and my years of service and I'll have get the gorillion out on you, but I'll change my mind in an hour like I always do because I have no short term memory.

Yeah, yeah, whatever, Inigo.Now come on and dish about your tribe so after I win the duel with you, and all the other duels until EPMB gets tired of this schtick and brings me back, I'll have enough intel to get in the right alliance. That Phillip guy seems pretty cool, you think he'd be interested?

Well, it isn't right to lie...so I can't mislead you. I wasn't on the tribe with Phillip for long before Rob sent me here. So I don't know what Phil has been up to while I have been here. But when I was there, Phil seemed very reasonable and trustworthy. He probably won't mention it for the first 15 seconds or so, but he was a secret agent at one time. Cool, huh?

So yes, you can probably trust him and he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would buckle under pressure.

We Raunchy girls would have voted our hero, Courtney Love, as the Holey, but since she was otherwise engaged, Julie's tooth had to do.

It's Sunday and we are at the little Raunchy Girl Chapel on the hill, where we pray in our own way, and for our own needs. Mostly for more adult entertainment videos and toys. We can never get enough of that stuff what with all the goody goody zoning regulations in this area outlawing porn shops. Such a hassle, but seeing as how we are in most of them and have our own studio I guess we really shouldn't complain.

In the last pew, snoring away, was my spoiler source (*not-Russell). He woke up long enough to slip me the latest "Intel", then he slipped out and was gone before any incriminating pictures could be snapped.

Here they are:

Spoiler #1: We have it on good authority that, in recognition of the fact the he single handedly established the art of finding the HI's without the pointless clues, and due to the fact that they spent so much time in his poop stained underwear, at the finale Russell will be given all of this season's Hidden Immunity Idols as mementos. They will be his for forever and ever, and they will spend the rest of their days nestled warmly in his butt crack. Russell will once again break down and blubber like a fat Persian eunuch. It seems that under that bald bulbous gap-toothed facade is the soul of a marshmallow.

Spoiler #2: Phillip gains valuable "Intel" this week when he learns that his shit does indeed stink.

Spoiler #3: Saint Matthew welcomes another Burning Bush to Redemption Island. His attempts at extinguishing the fires with tender caresses and holy kisses will only serve to feed the flames. Although he is on his way toward losing his religion, curiously and unknown to him, the entire pygmy tribe converts to Saint Matthewism.

Spoiler #4: Sarita discovers Rooter's under-arm hair makes excellent floss. During their "grooming" sessions, Ashley and Natalie make similar discoveries, in a different non-PG13 way. For more on this you have to pony up the subscription fee at XXXSurvivorGirlsInLust.XXX)

A hit squad from The Raunchy Girls Academy biked up to Sturgis this weekend on our Vespa Hogs for our annual face-off with other bikers to establish just who has the biggest baddest asses around for once and for all. Well, for a year, anyway.

This started way back when a biker gang from the School of Wimpy Girls started saying that our asses were big, and so we had to whop a few of them to get their attention, then we had to whop a few more for emphasis. We may have big asses, but we are sensitive about it, and it's not nice to call someone a bad ass. We felt that an annual beat down was our only recourse.

Anyway, this year the Wimpy Girls didn't show up. Apparently the Raunchy Girl in charge of our travel arrangements got the dates mixed up so all we had to whop up on when we got there was a bunch of senior citizens in an RV park. Well, that was something, anyway. It wasn't a total waste of time.

My secret Spoiler source (*not-Russell) was visiting his grandparents at the time, and he managed to pass on the latest spoilers. I had to apologize for the beat-down we put on his kin, but he said they were old and boring anyway, so he didn't really mind.

Spoiler #1Big Spoiler. Phillip will definitely appear again on a future Survivor. The season will be entitled "Weirdos and Misfits" and be held on the "Isle of Poopy Smells", a little known island in the lesser Fartenaries.

Spoiler #2 After the Finale, Stephanie, Krista, and the dumb blonds from previous Survivor seasons will form a team in Roller Derby called the Russellettes{TM} (Stolen from Dabo with no royalties. Sorry, but you need to pay attention to the Copyright protection laws).

Spoiler #3 We will learn in the upcoming episode that Roosters rear teeff are his luxury items. Normally he only uses his front four or five and leaves the rest in a jar of water by his bed.

Spoiler #4 Spoiler alert: The EPMB is gonna get his comeuppance real soon, by crackey.

In an effort to be more inclusive and not court-ordered at all, I have been extending invitations to other Bashers to come to our humble GLBT... wait, that's not right. Our BTS... yeah, that's it... thresds to enjoy the vinegary style BBQ snark.

Tribe has been kind enough to post the latest Ghost of the Burnt Buff rotating sigpic (featuring Krista) in the Call for BTS Players thresd in post #82, and he will also try to round up general sigpics for anyone who wants to comment.

These sig pics will be birds, gorillas and other "general" characters. There will be no poaching of the characters you fought so long and hard to represent -- often to the death.

Please PM me if there are any questions. Or any answers, for that matter.

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