I was just watching the trailer for season five of "Lost" for the eighth time and looking for some conspiracy-theory analysis of what it all means — coolest part: hazmat guy points a gun at our buddy Daniel Faraday — when I found a link for a quiz to determine "Which 'Lost' character are you?"

You know I had to find out.

Four pages worth of questions later and some sneaky clicking to avoid entering personal information (hint: if you try to close the window then hit cancel, it will take you directly to your results) I had my answer.

Here's a hint: I ain't no hero.

Yeah, Deep Blue over here pegged me as Sawyer. Way to go, genius!

Your Result is: James 'Sawyer' Ford
You are James 'Sawyer' Ford. A talented grifter among men. You have gone from a private secluded individual to someone one who cares about his friends. The typical guy who falls in love but has trouble with commitment but will not give up.;?>
Take Which LOST Character Are You?

I know most of these Internet quizzes are about as reliably truthful as Benjamin Linus, but, really? Sawyer? I just don't see it. I mean, I'd be the world's worst con man, and my nicknaming abilities are marginal at best. (It took me about 10 minutes to come up with that Deep Blue crack.)

I wanted a second opinion. Wouldn't you know it? There are about a bazillion "Which 'Lost' character are you?" quizzes out there. Most are scams to get you to enter an e-mail address that will be used for who-knows-what nefarious purposes.

You are Claire! By taking your palm readers advice and flying when your 8 months pregnant you end up on the island. You have cravings for peanut butter and feel safe around Charlie, despite your dreams of being kidnapped.

Claire

50%

Sun

44%

Charlie

38%

Sayid

38%

Boone

38%

Michael

38%

Jack

38%

Shannon

31%

Locke

31%

Kate

31%

Sawyer

19%

I love how specific this one is. Yes, I totally do feel safe around Charlie! Get out of my head! (You'll note that my lowest score is the Sawyer quotient.)

Finally, a result I can live with. I was really hoping for a Desmond, though.

I think the only thing this proves is that there is absolutely no consistency among these quizzes.

If you've spent any time at all on Facebook, you know that useless, pop culture-based personality tests aren't limited to "Lost." I've taken a "Which celebrity are you?" quiz. (Answer: Miley Cirus, "You are sweet, cute and a total hometown girl!") I've taken a "Which Shakespearian play are you?" (Answer: "Romeo and Juliet," "You are a hopeless romantic. Everything in your life is very dramatic, but you know that ultimately love will conquer all.") I'm not so sure that's really the message of "Romeo and Juliet," but I suppose it's better than being "Titus Andronicus."

Why do I keep taking them, you ask? Just call me the typical guy who will not give up, Hoss.