(Closed) Another FMIL vent

Its hard for me to get excited and stay calm about the wedding when there is so much going on in my life (MOH in a wedding next weekend, recently moved, work is demanding, trying to loose a few lbs, etc) But what really puts me over the edge is that my Future Mother-In-Law texts me CONSTANTLY about the wedding. We have really different opinions about the wedding and tries to guilt trip me into caving to her ideas every day. She is really traditional/rigid/close-minded and is really hard to read (never gets excited, says she is happy but looks pissed). To put things simply I just don’t get her…

Recently she got pissed because there is a couple friend of hers that wanted to bring their toddlers that we have never met. Months ago we made the decision that only family can bring their kids to keep the guest count down. Knowing and approving of this rule, She mentioned the kids were coming in a text. So I asked Fiance if he could tell her that the kids can’t come. She got super upset and was texting both of us like FINE FINE…. Guess my friends can’t come… Don’t expect them to travel or bring a gift… Then later in the night she was texted Fiance and was basically saying how I need to text her about those things and not him. Basically forcing me to be the bad guy for when Fiance and I don’t agree with her about wedding stuff.

She wanted to take care of organizing the rehearsal and I let her. When I designed the invites I asked her if she wanted me to put an RSVP on it and she was acting all laid back and said oh who ever comes, comes. So I reluctantly sent them out without an RSVP. Now 3 times a week she is texting me wondering how many people are coming to the rehearsal… AHHHHH idk you didn’t want an RSVP!

I could go on and on about situations like these.

Every time I get a text from her I get upset because I feel like she is judging me and questioning my every move for the wedding and now the whole planning process unenjoyable and stressful. She simply will not accept the way I wanna do things for my wedding. I don’t know what to do. I seems like I have 2 options now: ignore her or let me wear me down until she guilt trips me into having her way.

@engleman10513: Oh no! That sounds really shitty of her! 🙁 Maybe you could try to involve her as little as possible in the planning process so she cannot constantly disagree with you and force opinions on you. Also, it’s not fair to demand that you text her rather than your Fiance. Maybe he needs to have a talk with her and show her that you and him are a team? She doesn’t sound like she would get that message though… I would ignore her and just tell her that it’s your and FI’s wedding, not yours. Don’t let her wear you out!

@engleman10513: Oy. My Future Mother-In-Law is very similar – for a while she was constantly sending me unsolicited “ideas”, etc., and being very passive-aggressive when I’d politely decline due to a million other things going on in my life. Finally I just went radio-silent for a month after a particularly aggregious email. I got back in touch with her recently, and she was much calmer. Maybe a similar “break” would help in your case? If she keeps pestering, your Fiance can keep supporting you by showing a united front, e.g., “Mom, Ms. Engleman10513 and I are a team and while we appreciate your help, we’re taking care of the things we want/need to do for the wedding.”

I also suggest delaying your responses to her texts, if you are not already doing that. There is no need to reply to messages immediately just because you have received them. I use that technique with my clients at work. I want to train them to not expect an immediate response. It cuts down on a lot of back-and-forth.

Ahh! now trying to invite more guests, add more flowers, all of which she isn’t willing to pay for and knows we don’t have money for. Also upset that we had to cut the late night snack because of budget and being passive aggressive. And more texts “Well we do this..” and “I think this..”. I feel like crying with how much she gets under my skin. I should respect and love her but its so hard…

My Future Mother-In-Law is the same way! We aren’t in the planning process yet, but we’ve had to deal with other situations where things have gotten out of hand because of her poor choices.

I find it works best if you “ignore” her for a little while. I’m not saying completely loose contact, but reply or communicate on your own time frame. If she messages you, wait a couple days to respond. This kind of shows that you have other things going on in your life and can’t just jump when she wants.

As for the passive aggressive behavior… My Future Mother-In-Law only doesn’t it when she can’t get what she wants. I’ve found it works best to just treat her with a blase (careless) attitude. She’ll find that all the dramatics and rudeness won’t phase you.

Sounds like my mom – only, I was fortunate in that my mom didn’t go that far into my wedding. I’m sorry you’re marrying into a family where this woman will (unfortunately) become part of yours. However, I disagree – you don’t have to respect or love his mother. The only obligation you have to fulfill as daughter-in-law is being civil and polite when necessary. I don’t love my mother-in-law; I probably never will. I have managed to build respect for her over the years, acknowledging her place in my husband’s life.

That said – where’s your fiance with all of this? It does appear he is standing up for you (telling mom her friends’ kids can’t come), but how forceful is he being? Has he said to his mom, “engleman and I are planning our wedding. You need to stop contacting her about the wedding. She has enough on her plate”? You can’t dance around with some people; I think she needs to stop contacting you about the wedding, period, and your fiance really needs to take the reins and make that so.

His mom’s “advice” that you speak up about such things in the future is not a good idea. In general, I think it’s best practice to let each family’s child be the “bad guy,” not the spouse. They will forgive the child. It will drive a bigger wedge between you and the family. It sounds to me like she’s eager to make an enemy by even suggesting that way of handling things, especially given her personality.

The advice to take your good old time getting back to her is great. I’d start the slow distance; take a day…then a few days…then a week…then maybe even longer. Ignore the e-mails you don’t want to respond to. That’s OK. You’re sending her the message that no, she’s not important; no, you don’t care what she has to say; and yes, she will communicate with you on YOUR timeline.

Make an agreement with your fiance not to discuss anything wedding-related with her. If she mentions someone’s invited, he can politely tell her that no, they are not, case closed. But other than that, both of you can just say, “The wedding’s going to be a surprise! You’ll love it!” from here on out before changing the subject/ignoring further e-mails/calls from her/leaving her house.

@cookiecreamcakes WOW! your advice is amazing. Fiance is texting her tonight saying we can’t take it anymore. She is impossible.

This morning she texted me AGAIN (this is about the seventh time she has texted me about this) about how many people are coming to the rehearsal, I said “I dont know, You didn’t want an rsvp”. (Nor does she think it’s necessary that her guests rsvp)

Then I said could you send me a list of the phone numbers of your family (because a vast majority of them didn’t bother to RSVP). She said I will call them. (um thats not what I asked). I want to call them because she is still accepting maybes from people and would totally forget about asking for rsvps for guests and kids. And I would be annoyed if I had to call them all over again. Plus I have the spreadsheet… Its just easier if I call. But she will NOT accept that. Few minutes later she texts asking what else she can do. I wanna scream leave me alone! So I ask if she will send a remember to her 50+ people who didnt RSVP. She implied how she didn’t think it’s necessary (how is getting rsvps unnecessary???) AHHHHHHHH! She is on a mission against me.

Bees, she has been harassing me all afternoon. Even without texting her back. Saying that Future Brother-In-Law and family might not be able to come because of flight prices. Why is she even stressing me with this… I can’t control flight prices and they had a save the date 8 months ago. Its not my fault they aren’t organized. My Fiance isn’t even close with this half brother thats 20 years older than him.

@engleman10513: I honestly feel you, Fiance and I have been engaged 3 and half weeks, and I’m already done with my Future Mother-In-Law. FI’s parents offered to pay (my parents aren’t well off, we don’t make much money and they have a status to live up to) however, Future Mother-In-Law takes that to mean she is controlling everything, even FFIL’s money (they’re divorced). We brought our issues up with Future Father-In-Law and his response was “This is everything I’ve handled in the last 20 years.” His offer was to cover it all, pay her back for her deposit, and have a signed document saying she is no longer involved in any financial or other decisions regarding the wedding (FI’s family is very litigious), so we’re just waiting on the money from him.

I guess the best advice I can give you is create the strongest united front possible, and reiterate not replying right away.