How To Protect Yourself From A Workplace Affair

Nobody starts their marriage intending to have an affair. Yet 50% of all married couples in the United States experience an affair during their lifetime.

But here’s the shocker… 85% of those affairs begin at work.

As entrepreneurs, we have an opportunity to build businesses that fight against the pain, disruption, and damage an affair can bring to our companies. To lead with integrity and develop procedures which honor and protect the sacred relationships of our people.

But first, let’s get the glossary straight. Two words come to mind on the topic. Two words with different definitions.

Infidelity: The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse.

Adultery: Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse.

In most cases, a workplace affair begins with infidelity that leads to adultery. Psychologists have credited the foundations of these risky involvements to “emotional affairs”: inappropriate gestures, thoughts, text messages, and conversations that drive platonic friendship into romantic love. A relationship which ultimately breaches what is acceptable for someone within a marriage.

Today, I’m going to share a few simple boundaries you can put in place to protect yourself, your marriage, and your business from the dangers of a workplace affair.

1. Don’t Underestimate The F-Word

I’ve seen far too many women say, “Well… he’s just got a flirtatious personality.” B.S. I don’t buy that. Any married man who flirts with another woman is a man who doesn’t love his wife.

Workplace flirtationships are workplace affairs.

As a married entrepreneur, it’s important to establish yourself as someone who doesn’t flirt back or flirt with other people. We live in a culture in which most people are too immature to live up to the morality that should control their physical body language and playful gestures. They believe it’s reasonable, appropriate, and okay if it’s “just flirting.” But it’s not.

Flirtation is the first bullet shot at the heart of your marriage.

Great leaders know where poor behaviors lead to. Don’t take the bait regardless of how attractive or intriguing the gesture might be. There is a cost to protect your marriage and deflecting sexual signals and remaining true to your boundaries is one way you can pay your marriage’s tuition.

2. Get A Divorce

If you’re married and involved in a relationship titled “work wife” or “work husband” you’re crossing the line. These relationships typically imply a special public bond between two people that almost always lead to inappropriate intimacy.

Clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley Jr. says, “If you work with someone daily, watching each other’s backs, helping each other with the problems of life, and on top of that give that person a special title… I wouldn’t say a romantic relationship is inevitable, but it sure is highly probable.”

This type of titling isn’t uncommon either. Recent studies show workplace coupling is becoming increasingly popular. It’s good news for single workers looking for love — but more treacherous for those in committed relationships. A study by career information site Vault.com found that 28 percent of those surveyed said they had an office “husband” or “wife,” while a survey of 640 male and female white-collar workers from information firm Captivate Network found that 65 percent of employees have or have had a “work spouse.”

Remember, men and women never crumble in a day. And once your “work spouse” has fulfilled your needs enough, you start looking forward to being with them the next day, then you can’t stop thinking of them — one thing leads to another, and next thing you know you’re having sex with your “work spouse” behind the back of your real spouse.

Ultimately, you’re playing with fire. You’re using a sacred title that opens the door for someone to playfully perform emotional and relational duties only strictly to be carried out by your real spouse. A spouse who has paid an incredible price for that title and likely doesn’t appreciate the diminishing or sharing of their title with another person.

3. Bring A Third Party

I don’t know about you, but I value my wife. I value the thousands of hours we’ve invested in each other. And because of that, I am not naive to the many threats looking to plant seeds of destruction in our marriage.

Last year, my wife and I made an agreement to never intentionally be left alone with another person of the opposite sex. That means if I have a work meeting with a woman, I bring someone with me. If I’m working from home on a day we have a female babysitter; I work from a coffee shop.

Note: I understand this may be difficult for some people due to uncontrolled work related duties. My main point is to drive awareness and increased intention not to be left alone with the opposite sex.

Let’s not pretend that marriage is always flowers and rainbows. Many couples walk through difficult seasons of frustration, disconnect, and unsatisfaction.

A private work meeting with someone who knows you well, understands your troubles, appreciates you properly, and can offer you a sympathetic, conflict-free refuge from your annoying spouse, can quickly turn to emotional temptation. Now, let’s add drinks at a hotel on a business trip into the picture, and you might begin to see how millions of businessmen and women give in to an impulse that leads to the destruction of their marriage.

Look, adding business practices for removing risky relationships is incredibly inconvenient. But it will never outweigh the thousands of hours of crying, lost sleep, and mental distress caused by a marriage destroyed by an inappropriate relationship that started over a private cup of coffee.

4. Drop It Like It’s Hot.

If you’ve already crossed the line, stop. Not tomorrow, not after you discuss it with them, not after one last fling. Stop now. Stop completely. I understand your marriage may be in a difficult space. Your mind might be fighting to do the right thing. But statistics have proven time and time again that people regret affairs.

Instead, take a moment to remember the vows you made to one another. Be willing to reclaim a lost love. The right thing is almost always the hard thing. But often, your solution is simply paying more attention to what you have than what you’re missing.

Remember, protecting your marriage is an ongoing commitment. It’s keeping our hearts and our eyes on the one we vowed to love. People make mistakes, and I’m not going to tell you how to navigate back to reconciliation with your spouse, but the time to take the first step is now.

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Leading a business that protects your marriage is no easy task. But it’s a task that will pay more profit to the bottom line of your life than your company ever can.

Have you struggled with any of these areas? Or maybe you’ve seen these occur at work before. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

The Problem Behind The Problem

In my experience, people who cheat lack satisfaction and purpose. As a reaction, an affair becomes a mirage in the search for more significance. If you feel lost or lack clarity on what you’re meant to do, my wife and I wrote these two books to help. They are short, interactive, and cheap. You can learn more by clicking the image below.

Reader Interactions

Comments

I have worked in the corporate world for over 11 years. When I hired in, the roles I held were primarily surrounded by men. I worked alone with men every day (I was the only woman in the building). I have a few close friends that are men and I have met their wives, invited them to my wedding etc… We are all Christian and we have similar goals in life that we discuss frequently. We bonded in the trenches of work. We talk and act like siblings, praising when we do well, keeping each other in line when need be. I would be offended if anyone would think otherwise. Not all women are after another women’s husband and not all men are after any woman that they are left alone with.

Now with that said, I have witnessed infidelity in the workplace and not only myself but my coworker friends have expressed our disdain in the behavior. These people found ways to do this, it didn’t start with an innocent conversation. They were both looking for something. I don’t believe that infidelity is some kind of trap or hole that some really good person just falls into one day. They are consciously making a decision to pursue it, to read into the flirting, to take it over the line.

Hey Dale. Thanks for writing this. I’m sure it may stir up a lot of negativity in those who don’t see the bigger picture or understand the importance of boundaries to protect a marriage, but I understand fully and I appreciate your boldness to share. I confess that I have been guilty of flirtation in the work place even as a disciple of Christ, however, by God’s grace I found the courage to confess my thoughts, feelings, and actions to my husband before things escalated. It was so difficult, but I knew I needed to. It caused my husband great pain, but I am so thankful that I still have my marriage. I love my husband with all my heart, and I have come to know and understand that I have to be on guard at all times. I admit this post brought back some pain, but I’m still glad you decided to write this and share. It’s so very important for people to understand what behavior is appropriate and what is not. Marriage is sacred and we we must do whatever we need to in order to protect it. My experience has done nothing but help me have a greater appreciation for the covenant I have.

I am here however to stir the pot a little. I am happily married and although I am not a Christian, I do share a lot of your Faith’s beliefs. Honestly, I think flirting can be harmless as long as you are completely honest. Honest with yourself, your partner and the person you are interacting with.

If you lack the self control or the ability to recognize boundaries, let alone respect them, then I don’t think you are mature enough to be in a relationship and possibly need a little more help than the great advice Dale is offering here.

Just a thought, and I mean no disrespect in saying so, but even if you yourself are a strong enough person to remain honest with yourself and your partner etc, how do you know the other person you are engaging in the flirtation with has that same strength? There might be many situations where the other person is also married or even if single, lacks that honesty with themselves to leave it off at just flirtation. Sometimes even if you express to a person something means nothing, they maintain a secret hope that it will become something or don’t believe you when you say so. I feel not being able to judge another persons ability to have self-control means it is probably just better to abstain, well especially in the work place where professionalism comes into things.

I am currently walking through my business partner having an affair with a coworker. It is Awful! It played out exactly as Dale laid out in the article. The collateral damage on the staff has been equally painful.

Hi Dale,
You’re so wise for such a young man! Great job articulating your points. Anyone who wants to ignore the importance of “boundaries” is just looking to cross them. Alcohol, inappropriate settings, and lack of faith or a higher standard totally come into play. LEADERS and managers that present these situations also are responsible, especially when the make employee attendance mandatory! Keep up the good fight! I met you in CA at one of Larry Broughton’s seminars! Somewhere in my FB photos is a picture of me with you both. Thanks and congrats on your successes with you family and business!!!! God bless😊😊😊.

This unfortunately hits not too close to home, but hit my home like a bullseye. I was with my ex husband for 11 years, married for 5 and have 2 wonderful boys(2 &4) We are very young when we got together, bought a house very young, married young and dove right into parenthood almost immediately.

After our first was born, I went back to work for a few months then we decided I stay home and work odd and end jobs to help financially while raising our first born. It wasn’t easy. Keeping up with the household chores, raising a child, nursing and being newly married had a lot of up and downs. But most importantly, a lot of distance. He and I began to live like roommates. As our baby got a little older, we seemed to reconnect a bit, but wanted more children and wanted them close in age. . . So came Pregnancy #2 and with it came more distance. I was very ill for 40 weeks in and out of the hospital for minor complications all meanwhile chasing a toddler. The ex worked and loved basketball, coaching it and playing it and didn’t want to be home helping a MISERABLE wife. After Baby Boy #2 came sleepless nights with a screaming baby who had a sensitive stomach and a mommy who also didn’t sleep or eat a normal diet in order to provide. And in conclusion the baby blues turned in to postpartum depression that I refused to believe. I was stronger then this, I could overcome it. I could control it. It’s me, I’m the Only one who can control my own body…. Well I was wrong. extremely wrong. The ex and I seemed to argue all the time, have no connection and nothing to even talk about. Us in the same room together was torture. And on top of that, I was sad, scared, alone and the biggest I have ever been in my life. and Completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

What happens next? A “co-worked” who he described as his “best friend” in school came into the picture. Her marriage was struggling as well. She had a young child same age as my youngest and they were just “connecting” with their similarities. Long story short, I lost the battle… But I keep telling myself I’ll win the war. It’s been almost 2 years since their relationship (sorry, I mean friendship began) and as devasted as I am, I know one day I will look back and thank her. They of course are in a serious relationship now…. Their story is their friendship just turned into a relationship. Yet, I’m the one who is all to blame. I did this. I pushed him away to the point of no return. (Yes, he actually said that.)

Reading this article explained things to me I thought I understood, but really didn’t. People cheat, but people who love their spouse protect them and their relationship/marriage and their family. They protect their life they are trying to build not destroy it. I’m still working on finalizing my divorce and he has yet to just apologize or let me go. He fights me for everything and has been out for blood. It’s heart wrenching. I will never understand, but I try to not look back and keep my head towards the sun. Thanks for posting your article.

Wow Sara. I’m so sorry. Remember, there are good men out there. What I’m learning is men who fear God, I mean actually are afraid of God’s wrath on them, men who feel like they will stand before God and give an account for their families, those men… make incredible husbands. Without that fear, it’s all subjective, emotional, and confusing. Don’t give up. Keep fighting. And instead of turning to the sun, turn to the son. I’m proud of how you’re handling this.

This is like reading my best friends story and bought back the past three years of her life! To this day her partner says he didn’t cheat however he’s still with the women (“just a work colleague”) and the divorce has been finalised. He try’s to punish her for the years he’s put up with her (his words) but all the while I feel this is a cover up for the guilt he feels in loosing a 13yr marriage and 3 boys to a work place affair….all be it that didn’t take place!
I just trust & pray for you, as I do for my friend, that you don’t loose heart in a God who loves you & will little by little restore you!
Bless you and your children as you face each day xx

My life has been turn upside down just finding out 3 months ago that my husband had a 4 year affair 5 kids later. And what hurts was that I was pregnant with baby number 5 who just turned 3 why does this happen I was looking after the kids no family just me he was working. Why is there so much weakness . I hear how common this is its sad.i just don’t understand or get it. My families a mess plz pray for us.

Yes, praying for your family, Ashley. This truly breaks my heart to hear. I’m sorry you’re walking through it, and don’t walk through it alone. I hope you have trusted people in your life who can support you through it and pray with you in person.

Bring a Third Party. With 27 years invested in my marriage, I can say that part of my success is attributed to following this advice pretty consistently. I’ve known others to neglect this advice and get in trouble. Even if “nothing happens,” suspicions, rumors, or false accusations can undermine trust in a marriage that won’t be easily rebuilt.

As you described, I flirted and then I engaged. My family context is kinda irrelevant because, in the end, I could have stopped it but I didn’t. There was absolutely no excuse. There is no way that 10 years ago I would have said that I would cheat on my wife.

The fact is, why I resist the idea in part, the comment from JMSREBIN is spot on! I never wanted to cheat on my wife but I simply entertained the thoughts of things that were too close to cheating that I essentially pushed myself over the cliff and stopping the fall was virtually impossible.

I’ve also discovered that porn played a huge part in this. No surprise right? Porn may in fact be the single biggest factor. I want boys and men to know that porn is not like “playing with fire”. It’s like walking around holding a grenade that is chained to your hand, but the pin is out and long gone. When you loosen that grip, even for a moment, that fuse will start. The best you can do is try to limit the damage. But let’s face it, you’re going to at least loose that hand if not worse. Proverbs says it will take your whole life. I underestimated porn [what a dumb thing to say]. I’m not absolving myself of the responsibility. Maybe porn can’t kill you physically, but it will destroy everything you care about so maybe that’s the same thing.

My wife is suffering like I can not imagine. Yes, I literally can not properly comprehend her pain though I try. My mission now is to become healed, whole and an obedient follower of Jesus’ righteousness for the rest of my days whether my wife takes me back or not. I’m just praying that one day she will.

I am not too sure how old this article is but I can definitely say all your writings and insights have been so valuable to me.
I married my best friend December past and this piece particularly hits home because I am young and am surrounded with fellow millenials who live in the now and do not see the long term effects of workplace Affairs and disrespecting something as precious as a marriage.

So in short- thank you for the wisdom and insights! I have been told over and over that I am a granny in a 24 yr olds body and Im okay with that.
I would much rather make God – honoring decisions than be well liked.

What Dale is saying here is SO incredibly important. I agree with so many of your comments. About the general consensus of the younger generation being that these things are harmless and ok, and about how damaging porn can be and that it is an additive and sometimes a gateway to bigger things like cheating.

I have experienced a couple of perspectives of this. Firstly, I was a wife to a cheating husband, who indulged in workplace affairs (yes plural). I found out about two of them at the time of the affairs, and the rest after our marriage crumbled and he revealed 8 years of infidelity through porn, random women, strip clubs and most predominantly work-place affairs. I have been the wife of the painful receiving end of that.

However, a few years post our divorce, and having been single almost all of that time span, some joke fueled banter began with an older married man in a more senior role at my workplace. It was fun, the jokes we shared, openly, in front of other staff, everyone laughed and joked along with us. But over 6 or so months it evolved – even when others were around more and more often our conversations only included us. Eventually he was offering me extra work projects to do for him, and then staying late to help me go over things on those projects. Our conversations went beyond humorous banter and we talked about all sorts on a variety of levels – both work related and not. He was highly intelligent and seemed like such a wonderful person, and I was enjoying our conversation, connection and working together. I really grew to like him a lot. I could tell he liked me a lot more than he should as I caught him looking at me in ‘that way’ and when I would catch his glance he would look away – perhaps in guilt. Even the personal space and touch barrier were crossed. I would leave work thinking about him and finding myself trying to ‘shake off’ all the interactions for the day. I thought long and hard about it as I felt we had reached a risky point of it becoming something it really shouldn’t – he was married. I felt disappointed in myself for engaging in these interactions so willingly, being that I had been that wife at home waiting for her husband who was meanwhile engaging in these very types of flirtations that then lead to more.

Finally, one day, just in time, it clicked! I started seeing in him a lot of similarities to my ex-husband. I was being shown how it looked from the other side – this work-place affair thing. How it starts and what the warning signs are, everything. I was very fortunate that at the time my company were undergoing re-structuring and my transfer had come through to a new role in a different office. That was the end of that. We still work for the same company and I have seen him since, and I can assure you, each time I have seen him since I have behaved very differently towards him. Professional, platonic and pleasant. That is all that is required, I do so in a kind enough tone that he knows there are no hard feelings but simply that we are not in that space nor are we going to be ever again. Basically these realizations helped me douse out even the little flickering embers that were heating up.

I now know that if I ever marry again, it will need to be with a man who is capable of protecting our marriage as this article expresses to do so. I hope more people learn to understand the importance of these values and live them.

I am the child of a man who cheated multiple times. I don’t know all of the details of whether or not they were workplace affairs. I don’t really care to know, to be honest. I will say this…finding out that my dad had cheated on my mom multiple times growing up forever changed the way I saw my father. Jesus has done a lot of work on my heart and healed a lot of hurts that I had carried for my dad for a long time. But I will never see my dad the way I did before finding out about the affairs. He’s now married to his second wife, a woman he was really good friends with while my parents were married. He promises he didn’t cheat with her but I guess it depends on how you define cheating. In my eyes, infidelity is still cheating. Parents so often think that they can cheat and get divorced and it won’t have any impact on their kids…the kids may even seem “fine” from the outside….it’s just not true. Thankful for Jesus’ power to heal and redeem.

Thanks for writing about this important topic, Dale. My marriage of 29 years was destroyed by my husband’s affair with a professional counseling client and the subsequent porn problem that came to light. But, after 3 years of challenging recovery work, and a large support team, he really is a new man and we were remarried 6 months ago! And now it’s better than it’s ever been! God has done a transformation in both our hearts and we are so thankful!

Hello Dale.
Great article, though it did bring immense pain. 10 months ago on our daughters 8th birthday, my fiancé cheated while on a business trip in LA with a co worker. We are still together for we also have a little boy who at the time of the affair was 1. I’m hanging on and have gotten better, however I deal with pain each and every day; many moments a day. We were planning our wedding, decor, venue, and I was even in the process of looking for a dress. I feel though that I’m constantly questioning God on his plan. Did the affair happen so that I wouldn’t marry this person, should I even remain in the relationship? So many questions and so much pain. I don’t know what the future holds anymore. I don’t even know if staying is the right thing to do.
So lost and so confused. The man I loved so much also changed so much the moment I knew he cheated, which he didn’t even have to tell me, he just looked different. But when he told me everything it was a relief.

I’m sorry to hear about this heart-break and confusion, Priscilla. I think we all would walk through that doubt, those questions, that sort of utter lostness – It’s complete trauma. But I would say that often, these actions are not in line with God’s plan, although I am SO confident that He can redeem and heal no matter how big or terrible the chaos and hurt is. I pray for this healing for you, Priscilla!

While many will see your thoughts as extreme, I totally agree it is wise to eliminate the temptation. I think sin starts when we compromise once and then we end up in a place we did think we would. Social media and looking for the next best thing have created an environment where we don’t want to stick with someone through the hard times but instead look for the next best thing. Thanks for having the courage to speak up and honor your wife.

I am always excited when I see people write on this important topic. It’s pride and arrogance that convince us that we are the ones who can touch the fire and not be burned. We’re sure that we’re not like these other ‘weak’ ones, that we are in control. Thinking you’re in control can bring one to great depths. My life and marriage are a testimony to this, and to the great redemption of our good Father. Blessings to you for using your platform to speak this valuable truth.

I had a relationship with a co-worker which ended up lasting for 28 years. We didn’t really talk at first. But my broken marriage (attacked by my wife), and my partner’s broken marriage (attacked by drunken husband) resulted in a workplace friendship, which blossomed. We raised two great children, and although we went our separate ways a few years ago, we still care deeply for each other, and talk on a regular basis. We are all still “family.” I can say, in our case, there really are no regrets at all. YMMV.

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. 4 sons. To cut a long story short we’ve been in a tough place for a while. When another man inappropriately tried his luck and I told my husband, he did nothing. I’ve been fighting for our marriage
Asking to go to church, suggesting we read books to empower us. Nothing. He just stonewalls me and when I pushed the church issue he became aggressive. A week ago we went on a trip, on the way back we both sat at a window seat each with one son. Another man sat beside me
I just offered him gum. Chatted the whole flight about politics etc. Exchanged contact details etc. I’ve been emotionally cheating on my husband and I actually don’t feel guilty. I feel happy for the first time in a long time. We’ve decided to separate to work on it but I feel completely disinvested. Where I used to fight for our marriage, I just don’t care anymore..

I feel the pain and weighty burden that you’re carrying here, friend. I know it, and I have had many conversations with hearts much like yours. I pray for a messenger to come into your husband’s life to bring light to your marriage, to show him where to step up, to grow, to take charge, and to ask for help. I pray for patience, endurance, and strength for you as you walk humbly through this. Seek counsel, bring trusted people in, and ask for rebuke and love where they are both needed. Keep fighting, friend.

I agree with all of this. I was married for nine years until an affair ended my marriage, broke the hearts of those around me, and forced me into a downward financial spiral where I almost lost everything in my business . It started just as subtly and innocently as you described and ended in deceit and betrayal of the worst kind. If the boundaries were in place firmly that you describe, I would never have fallen as far as I did. Those of you who are married, it can happen so very quickly.

Boundaries always FEEL like a punishment or wrongfully placed guards at first, but they are truly the protectors, healers, and cultivators of our relationships and trust. Thanks for sharing your heart and burden here, Christy. 🙂

Hi Dale, yes this is so informative and extremely applicable for me as I am studying to become a pastor. Steve Farrar, author of “Finishing Strong” spoke of a dry shipwreck, where you are declaring doom over yourself without yet doing anything (like the Titanic that God couldn’t sink). This that you shared is exactly that! Thanks for reminding me of this importance, God bless you and your family

I enjoy your thoughts and ideas. I know its bad to cheat a person of their property or ideas let alone a spouse but i put some of it on human weaknesses and the inability to see the bigger picture because i come from a Patriachal society and cheating is condemned only on women and is merely frowned upon on men.
I understand that its culture protect men and not morality or religion but chauvanism and misogyny. Im glad that as Social media opened up the world people have been more accountable but not our governments( unfortunately).

So there is hope for the next generation as our is becoming more emotionally connected and accountable to marraige.

I believe that women are the ones who hold the foundation of marraige as men are not very emotional and this is a plus for its ying and yang effect.
The rules you laid are strictly laid by Islam and your no 3 was not to be with the opp gender while alone with them. This strict segregation has helped in lessening it plus the fact that adultery is amongst the big 7 sins.
I work in the health sector and clients are from all genders but im not supposed to shake hands with male, ironic to many but im there for healing and if the odd Doctor is offended with me, i explain and go on my way.
The biggest dangers are short courses and Seminars etc, they are so relaxed and the exchange of numbers is so easy due to teamwork and theirin lies the danger. Familliarity.
I have 2 good neighbours who are spiritual as well as religious though we are from different faiths we put spirituality in our day to day activities as well as work and this is our common denominator.
Continue with the good work
Thank you!

Hello there,
My husband had an affair with a co-worker. Times have been really tough..I was about 2 weeks away from giving birth to our first born when I caught him walking out of the hotel with another woman. It has been so hard..My husband is an amazing man and I just don’t know what got in him..We have been trying to work it out, my son is now 5 months. It has been so hard till this day its not an easy thing to just get over it. I don’t know whether things will work out or not. It’s me that just cant help but feel so angry and sad majority of the time.