Your evolution is totally gay

Out of the cheap woodwork they come, these swiftly “evolving” politicians, racing as fast as they can to get with the foregone program and support gay marriage ASAP because they see the writing on the Supreme Court wall, which is the same as the writing on the bathroom wall, which is the same as what appears in every poll and survey and sample across the civilized, intelligent, non-Republican world.

And that writing says one thing: Idiots and fools, cretins and political roadkill are ye who do not get over your uptight sexual fears and ignorance of God, pronto.

The hottest story of all right now? Aside from the “leery,” “reluctant,” dully conservative Supreme Court whimpering toward a half-baked, non-sweeping decision on Prop 8 and DOMA that no one will really like? Speed.

Somewhere in there, Scalia is chortling

Which is to say, everyone’s amazed at the breathtaking, almost impossible-to-believe quickness at which the gay marriage issue has “evolved,” not just for politicos desperate for the love of younger voters who don’t give a damn for the ludicrous “culture wars” of their elders, but for the entire culture, how quickly gay marriage has skyrocketed to a majority of public support in a short handful of years, so fast that no one can really answer why.

What’s your theory? How do you explain the staggering shift in support, from around a mere 42 percent in 2009 to a upwards of 57 percent (a walloping 81 percent if you’re under 30) today?

Is it because lots of meek, “undecided” homophobes finally realized the world wasn’t collapsing and their own unhappy marriages weren’t affected in the slightest? Did they finally see that, hey look, lots of gays have been married for years now across multiple states and countries, and the sky didn’t fall, Jesus didn’t wreak havoc and Pat Robertson really is a bit of a goddamn lunatic?

Or is it because of pop culture itself, the tipping point finally reached as enough celebs, athletes, military personnel, musicians, “It Gets Better” videographers, even President Obama himself basically shrugged off the issue en masse, declaring it no longer a big deal, thus instantly making anyone who doesn’t support it (Hi, Boehner), even more of a stiff, nasty old relic than they were even a week ago?

Thanks, Nate Silver

Death! Do not forget death. As I not-so-humbly predicted in a column just a few years back, death is a key deciding factor in the gay marriage debate, as the older, panicky generations die off and are replaced by Obama’s younger, mixed-everything rainbow coalition. Gay marriage has always been a generational issue. But even I didn’t predict how quickly the shift would happen.

It’s not easy to quantify, but it’s safe to say the Grim Reaper has casually eliminated (and continues to eliminate) enormous numbers of aging, right-wing homophobes, huge chunks of the “Greatest Generation” who, it turns out, weren’t all that great when it came to women or blacks or gays or sexual freedom or equality or religious tolerance, but who totally kicked ass in WWII. So there’s that.

Was it Obama who first used the savvy “my position on gay marriage is evolving” line, back in 2010 (even though he fully supported gay marriage as Illinois senate candidate in 1996)? Might’ve been; sounds like him. And it’s a good one, too. So good that it’s been filched by every politician looking to sound even remotely thoughtful, since. So good that if one more politician utters it, it’s going to turn obnoxious and suspicious and will appear as complete, obvious bulls–t.

Which, of course, it totally is. Bulls–t. A lie. A joke. An opportunistic political ruse. How do we know? Because the same law of “evolved” consciousness has been ignored and rejected and stomped into a hateful, bloody pulp everywhere else. I mean, obviously.

Behold! Here are 20 massacred children in Newtown, followed by huge national support for universal background checks and a complete ban on assault weapons. Here is widespread disgust for the National Rifle Association, for our national fetish for ultra-violence, for our global standing as the most childishly gun-obsessed, pseudo-cowboy country in the world. Curious how not a single pro-gun politician has suddenly declared his position “evolved” enough to fight the NRA, no?

Look here! A mountain of irrefutable evidence of (and widespread belief in) global warming’s increasing havoc and destruction, coupled to enormous public support for congress to so something serious about it. And yet, not a single congressperson has come forth to announce her position has “evolved” enough to passionately advocate for real environmental legislation. Wonders.

Here is the much-lauded “rise of women!” Here was Obama’s irrefutable victory with the fairer sex in the 2012 election, and yet apparently the good news still hasn’t reached pallid hateswamps like North Dakota, where the (old, white, male, Republican) Governor Jack Dalrymple just signed into law a batch of the most restrictive, hostile anti-choice regulations in the country, laws that should send a deep shudder of fear into the freedom-loving womb of every sexually charged woman in the entire state.

Women are increasingly in charge, Governor Dalrymple. Didn’t you hear? Even the Secret Service is now run by a woman. Better “evolve” your repulsive misogyny soon.

Of course, this is not news. The fact that so many politicians are jumping on a fast-moving, sexually charged bandwagon when it’s the easy and opportunistic thing to do is only evidence that they’re politicians, doing what politicians do. Which is, making everyone gag at their hollow and pseudo-spiritual “awakenings,” right on cue.

Should we care? Should it matter much? The gay marriage issue is racing like a turbo rainbow condom techno leather strap-on dance party toward no one cares anymore. The last civil right is very nearly wholly victorious.

Speed bumps will persist, the Supreme Court may or may not have the balls to declare as valid what everyone already knows is imminent, hateful states and staunch conservatives will go to their graves waving their sad flags of religious ignorance and fear, same as it ever was.

But gay marriage is essentially done. Liberals won. Your kids have already moved on, long ago. And of course, they also de facto/by and large support gun bans, women’s rights, environmental action, et al. And would you look at that? They didn’t even have to “evolve” to do it. Go figure.