25 January 2009

for mom

There are some things I think I can never write about. You can write around them and between them and maybe even through them, but I'll never really write them in the way they happened.

My mom has a brain tumor. Not a little wimpy pea-sized thing, not a meningioma or a cyst, a big, bad, scary cancerous brain tumor. I tried to write an email about it, but I thought if I actually typed the words then all of it would become irreversibly true, that this was no longer one long bad dream, no longer a simple problem a few vitamins could fix. It couldn't be my hands tapping tumor, and doctor, and craniotomy, and chemotherapy, those words staring back at me in harsh black against white tones from my computer.

In a way I was prepared, my uncle has had two brain tumors that I was intimately involved with. But then, I was second tier help, always there to assist but able to go home at the end of the day and sleep. Now, I'm first tier, the one who's there when she wakes up and when she goes to sleep, who fixes meals and adjusts socks and calls nurses. I told my uncle's partner, my uncle's first tier, and told him, "I had no idea." Few people do.

I can write about parts of it now, the tumor, the logistics of hospitals and neurosurgeons, the experience of being 25 years old and having your name placed on your mother's estate, paying property tax before you ever owned property. But the one part I can't write about is mom. I cant write about her because I can't get past how utterly unfair this is. About how this happened to the wrong person, how good my mom is, how hard she's worked in her life. About how it's always been just mom and me, no father, no siblings, of how scared I am of being alone in a very big world.

I made coconut cake this year for Christmas dinner because it's mom's favorite. She was diagnosed the next day. I was so glad to have that leftover cake in the refrigerator, not because either of us had any appetite, but because I had made it for her the day before- that we should capitalize on every good experience possible. It' a lesson I learn more and more each day, each good thought, each laugh, just as sweet as a slice of cake.

My mom insists that I not neglect the blog in her illness, but I hope you'll excuse me if posting is a little slower than usual. And in about 6 weeks I'll be looking for some good recipes to get us through radiation and chemotherapy.

1. Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease or line two 9" cake pans. Spread all the coconut (3 cups) on two baking sheets and toast until golden (watch carefully that it does not burn). Set aside to cool.2. In a large bowl, beat butter and sugar for about 5 minutes, until light and fluffy. Stir together flour, baking powder and salt. Set aside. Combine egg whites, milk and vanilla and coconut extracts. Add 1/3 of the flour mixture to the butter mixture then add half the milk mixture. Continue to alternate beginning and ending with flour mixture, until mixture is well combined. Working over the bowl, rub half the coconut (1 1/2 cups) between your palms so it is finely crumbled, stir the crumbled toasted coconut into the batter.3. Divide the batter between the prepared pans. Bake cakes 25-35 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean. Set aside to cool.4. In a large bowl, beat ogether the cream cheese and 1/2 cup sugar until combined. In a nother bowl, beat the cream to stiff peaks, sprinkle in the remaining 1/4 cup sugar and beat cream to stiff peaks. Fold cream into cream cheese mixture - taste for sweetness, it should be tangy but still slightly sweet.5. Place bottom cake layer on a platter. Spread with some cream mixture and top with second layer of cake. Spread cream all over the cake, then use your hands to gently press the remaining toasted coconut around the cake. Refrigerate until serving.

96 comments:

Mercedes, I adore your blog, the writing,the recipes (which I had made a few). I want to send you my best wished to you and your mom, you will be in my prayers. You are corageous to tell your story like that.

What a difficult time... I cannot come with any words that seem adequate for the situation, but I do want to offer my best wishes and hopes for you both in the coming weeks and months. I've been reading your blog for a while now, and I am sorry that it was this occasion that led me to comment here for the first time.

I cannot say that I understand or that I can relate. But I am sorry. Your words are touching. Thank you for being real. Am praying for your moms comfort and for your strength in the midst of this. Will be looking forward to more posts as you are able; if you are not up to it, no worries, people will be still be here whenever you are ready.

I have never posted a comment before now. I just wanted to say that your recipes and your stories mean so much to me. I am able to make wonderful meals and memories for my friends and family thanks to your blog. Thanks for touching everyone who reads it. I hope that you and your mother will find as much peace, love and hope as you can handle, especially now.

I usually read without commenting, but I'm de-lurking to tell you how sorry I am to hear this. I know how hard it is to be a caregiver, but I also know that your mom is lucky to have you there for her. I wish you both the very best of luck through this very difficult process.

I promise to send recipes. And chocolates. And puzzles, or anything you might need. My thoughts are with you and that wonderful woman, who clearly knows her cakes (I have a soft spot in my heart for coconut cake...)

I wish I could say that I know what your going through, but I can't. I have a mother-in-law with severe dementia and a father with early stages of Alzheimer's. It is so hard see our parents not be the superheroes we sometimes perceive them to be. I pray for your strength during this difficult time and pray that the chemo and radiation will not be too mean to your mother, and more importantly that they will shrink the tumor. Blogging to people you don't know can be easier than telling people you do know. And while I am not there in person to give you a big hug, please know that I am sending you one virtually.

I am so sorry that your going through this but believe me when I say I do understand. I am going through this as well. Two months after I left my mom and moved overseas she had a stroke and she can not walk or even move her entire left sad, it was really bad but now this is what is left. I feel so hurt being far away from her, leaving her and her being alone. I have been so stressed out but you will see small things like this (blogs) will take your mind away if at least for a moment. InshAllah may Allah heal your mother and give her a fast recovery. Ameen

I just wanted to send a hug your way. Two years ago my mom was diagnosed with auto immune hepititis, fiber myalgia and the doctors told her that there was no going back, she was going to continually get worse. As hard as I tried to move past that, there are just some things that are really hard to deal with. I wish you and your mom all the strength and love to get through your difficult time.

I'm a regular visiter of your blog and enjoy reading your recipes. I've never left a comment but felt obliged to do so after reading this. Unfortunatly I know what it's like. I'm not really good with words but just wanted to say that my thought are with you and your mom.

Mercedes, I have never commented here, but I thought this post would present a good opportunity to thank you for your beautiful photos and writing and to wish you and your family light and happy moments amidst all of the uncertainty around you.I saw my Dad through pancreatic cancer when I was 15 and it was (difficulty and pain notwithstanding) an incredible and life-changing experience. Although every situation is unique, I know that your Mom must be feeling reassured and proud to have your care and presence at this time. A lot of scary and awful things result from cancer, but it also produces some profound and bright experiences. I wish you the very best.

The words will come to you when you least expect it; and when they do, you will know precisely what you want to say. For now, your expression comes through cooking and how you spend time with your Mom. No matter how small the gesture, it will bring you the comfort you are seeking. I have been a long time reader. I will pray for you and your mom. Warmest regards.

I'm also a first-time poster. I enjoy your blog and am heartbroken about the news regarding your mother. You and she will be in my prayers. I have quite a few friends and relatives that have been diagnosed very recently... there has to be a cure soon.

You're right. People don't really know what 1st tier caretakers go through, even when you are around them until they are suddenly the 1st tier. It is the toughest and most loving thing you will do. I wish you nothing but strength and peace during this difficult time.

I am so so sorry to read this post. I made your wonderful baklava over the holidays (you were kind enough to respond to a question I had back when you posted it) and always look forward to reading your blog and delighting in all of the wonderful flavors and colors of your recipes. Please know that I am sending you and your mother strength and light. Remember to take care of yourself (and eat!) while you are caring for her.

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time. Like many others, I honestly do not know what you're going through, but I can imagine and start thinking of my own mom. I wish you all the strength, guidance, and luck to endure this.

I've really come to love your blog over the last few months and I wish you and your mom strength and luck through these difficult times. Your stories and recipes touch me in a very personal way. I find that writing is very therapeutic and I hope that your love of cooking and writing is a bright spot to help you think positively, even when it seems like there is no way.

I can tell from your words and from your tone that your mother more than adequately equipped you for such a time as this -- to pour back into her all the love and nurture that she has bestowed on you. May you find places of deep joy and fulfillment with her during this very painful and difficult time. Love deeply.

Mercedes, I can't imagine what you're going through, I can only guess.I do not know what you're belief system is, but I ask you not to think me presemptous or preachy if I share mine. If you'd be willing to take the word of a total stranger, I would ask you to read, "You can Heal your Life" by Louise L.Hay. Sometimes, unexpected doors open. It might just be a window. But what lies beyond it might just make all the difference. I cannot not share this, you understand. And I hope you will not dismiss this as an offering of another person's faith. It is how one daughter who loves her mother beyond measure reaches out to another.My best wishes go to you and your family.

This is awful, and terrifying, and traumatic. We're all wishing you luck and apologizing and these words are all just little numbing drops against a horrendous pain. This experience will be hard, harder than anything else you'll ever have to do, but someday perhaps you'll be thankful to have this time. Most of us wouldn't know you if we passed you on the street, but sometimes that anonymity can be a blessing when you need to release some of what you're feeling. We've been coming to you for food and beauty... maybe you can come to us now, a support group of strangers.

I read your blog for the 1st time today, it was very odd as I recently lost my mother to a long illness. No one understands the pain untill they have experienced it 1 st hand. My mother was my entire world, now as time passes I try to hold on to good memories, she was my favorite person to cook for, in her eyes everything I did was amazing. Treasure the months ahead, although very painful, when she has passed you will be so greatful that you showed such deep devotion when she needed you most. xoxox

Just want to send you prayers, good wishes, and strength during this difficult time. Thank you for sharing this with us and please don't hesitate to ignore us as long as you need. We'll be here when you're ready.

I don't even know what to say. Maybe it's because one of my good friends is going through the same thing and he's all of 23. It just never seems real until it's all too real. Stay strong for your mother and keep up the blog for the both of you. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Much Love,Claire

I have been so happy to find your blog and share your recipes with my friends and family (the banana cardamom pancakes are a saturday morning (and even tuesday evening) favorite), andI am so sad to hear about your mother's diagnosis. I am sending you thoughts of strength and sunshine.

Thank you for your wonderful blog, and please remember that your readers are wishing you the best.

Mercedes,I have just read your post. I wish there was a way to return all the happiness your blog has given me. Your are an admirable young woman with talent, determination and a sensitive artist's eye on the world we live in. You will be strong. I will be thinking of you.

I have just found your blog in the past week and enjoy reading it. I lost my mom a little over a year ago and was her "1st Tier" for 11years. It is a hard position to be in, but it was also a blessing. Try to find joy in everything you can. May God Bless you both and also her doctors and nurses.

Hello Mercedes. I have been reading your blog for over a year now and always enjoy the wonderful photos and great recipes that I can actually make myself. Throughout this blog I have always seen touches of your mom-references to her recipes, her home, her generosity. So I was very sorry to hear that she is being faced with this challenging illness.

And of course we understand if you dont have the time or inclination to post a recipe on here every week.

My aunt had a brain tummor when I was very young. Today's technologies are a million times better than they were 20 years ago, but regardless this must be a draining and hard thing, to be the first tier to your mother. I will be keeping you, your mom and those helping you in my thoughts. I am sending good mana in the direction of both of you.

I'm am so sorry to hear about your mom, and my prayers are with you and your family. Just lost my Aunt to stomach cancer that was sudden and no sooner than that was settled, and my uncle (one of her younger brothers) was diagnosed with lung cancer. The family is horrified and scared. Being in the position of clean up crew as I like to call it, or the relief crew. You know the guys that care for the care givers it hard either way. Just remember we are here to support you and she is going to need you to take care of yourself as well so that you can make may more coconut cakes. And if you need us we will all do our best to support you in any way we can.Felica

Mercedes, you are right that "It's not fair." When my 20-year-old daughter was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease, I accompanied her to her chemotherapy sessions. We referred to them as "mother-daughter bonding days." I told her I could think of a million better ways to spend time together, but "This is what we've been given." Her protocol was successful and she is cancer free. So I wish for both of you equal shares of sensitivity and strength.

I cooked lots of soup this summer for a friend while she was going through several difficult chemotherapy rounds. Blended and mild were key, at least for my friend. I made the broths from scratch and froze them, to make sure there was as much nutrition packed in there as possible. I tried making ginger cookies for the nausea, but the chemo for for my friend hurt her mouth too much for her to be able to eat much more than blended soup.

I don't know her at all, but when I was cooking for my friend, I went ahead and wrote Jen, who writes the blog Use Real Butter, knowing she was a cancer survivor. She was very helpful.

I've been reading your blog for a while now. Your post really touched me. It's just my mom and I also and it scares me to think of what may be if I was left alone here. I hope through the internet I can send you my prayers best wishes and all the strength to get through this tough time. I hope your mom gets well soon.

I'm so very sorry for what you and your mom are going through. I'm an only child and my mother had a malignant brain tumor which was more... just more... than I can really explain. I understand the difficulty and though I know the words of a stranger are of little comfort, know that I am thinking of you both.

I have selected you for a blog award (check my blog if you feel up to it) but it feels so petty compared to what is on your plate at the moment. Best wishes to you and please, genuinely, let me know if you'd like to talk.

It's a funny thing. I don't know you but I was very moved by your latest post. I came across your blog when I moved to the Gulf and fell in love with tabbouleh. I needed a recipe, I searched and found Deserty Candy.

My Mother died way too young of ovarian cancer 2 years ago. Caring for her was one of most difficult, exhausting, painful things I've ever done but also the most precious.

I made soups, with ginger to help with the nausea and lemongrass to leave a fresh taste in her mouth. And I steamed fish with herbs and fragrant Asian seasonings. And we always ate them together, me or my girls finishing off her plate when it was too much for her.

Enjoy this time with your Mother. I wish you strength and inspiration to cook her wonderful things.

Mercedes, I'm keeping you and your mom in my heart during this difficult time. Brain tumors run in my family as well, so although I haven't experienced the first tier, I understand how scary these things can be. My fingers are crossed for you both!

I discovered you blog only recently (when searching for "tabbouleh"), and I discovered this post. Thank you for being so open (and vulnerable) about your mother and your family. Seeing the pride that you have in your culture and family, I can see that you have learned a lot from a beautiful and strong-willed woman. My own father was diagnosed with cancer, and was given months to live. It gave me a new meaning of life, as I know that time on earth is limited and that our loved ones are the most important to us. My priorities changed almost instantly. Given what I have read and seen on your blog, I am sure your mother is very proud of you (and I am sure you take after her), and I hope and pray that the cancer can be safely removed from her system. In times of great sadness and challenge, take time to remember the great happiness, and treasure every moment you have with your mother.

Hi Mercedes. I read your blog occasional (and like it very much) and was saddened to hear about your mother.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later when I was 26-27 years old... in DC no less.

I hope your mother continues to improve and regains her health. I know how hard it can be to be the person caring for someone who is going through chemo etc. If you'd like to chat, even though you don't know me, I am very willing to tell you about my experience and perhaps give you some tips on how to deal with the stress etc. You can find me via my blog on blogspot: One Tall Redhead.

As far as food for chemo goes- all my mom wanted to eat was Whole Foods' carrot ginger soup warmed up. She ate it like crazy.

There have been many people who have had cancers and brain tumors and survived, you can do research on this online. Many I believe changed their diet to a raw diet or a very natural diet, there is also Chinese Medicine and chi kung which is life changing for many. Be well:)

Came to your blog from Swati's, and I'm equally moved and awed by your spirit and your words. I don't really know what else to say, but I do hope that life will have many more sweet slices to offer to your mum and you. God Bless.

I have to say that I am a 'praying girl,' ...I am going to pray right now okay?

Father;

I thank you for Mercedes and her precious mom. I thank you for their lives and all that you have blessed them with. I thank you for the love they have and for the devotion of Mercedes to her mom. Lord, I ask that you would have your hand firmly upon each of them. I ask that you would draw them close to you and bring them comfort and the perfect peace that passes understanding. Lord, hold her mom tenderly-let her know that she is not alone...Lord I ask you to heal her, I am sure it is what Mercedes heart is crying out for. But Father, show them you care for them...let them know that you are real and not a distant far off God, but a tender, caring, loving Father-to both of them.

I ask Lord that your Kingdom would come on earth as it is in heaven for this family. And I ask it in the matchless name of Jesus.

I just came across your blog for the first time today and read about your mother. I've just helped my significant other through losing her mother and I can only imagine how frightening and difficult this must be for you. I pray you can both stay strong.

I was reading this and my tears are falling.My dad passed away last year from cancer too.So I only want to send you a big hug, I totally changed my life to be by his side( I was living in another country and came back home) and every minute was so precious to me . Do talk to your mom, do tell her how u love her and how proud you are to be her daughter & from the bottom of my heart I hope she recovers.send u a big hug.

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry about you mum. I too was just diagnosed with a brain tumor and we will do this together. Life is sweet and we get what we get. You are a gift for all of us and for her. I love your writing and your recipes. i'm with you.Orit

I just found your blog via Pink Bites. Your mother has done a fabulous job of raising you, you have a gift and you share it with the world. I must tell you, I too am a single parent of a 10 year old daughter, no father had ever been involved. I cannot begin to imagine your fear but speaking as a single mother, I can understand what your mother must be going through. From the moment we give birth, tucked in the back of our minds is the fear that one day, we will be apart from our child...permanently. It is a fear which has the potential to paralyze us but as single moms, we must move ahead, carry on each day. When your mom is so tired and the cancer has robbed her body of strength, tell her it is ok to sleep, rest her mind. Let her know you will be ok. She needs to know you will be alright. Thanks for sharing with the world, we're sending hugs and warm smiles your way.

I've only been a follower here for a short time and was saddened when I got to your post about your mom's illness and the challenges ahead...I lost my mom 8 years ago on February 3 and my life changed forever - I pray for you, I pray for your mom. Take care...

dear mercedes, i love reading your posts, you have so many wonderful recipes and i feel honored that you take the time to share them with us all out here.I lost my mum suddenly when i was 19 i really feel for what you are experiencing.there is nothing anyone can say , but my good wishes are with you both x gigi

Mercedes, I just stopped by and read the news - I cannot say anything beyond I am so sorry, I am so moved by what you wrote and what you are doing, that as much of a stranger as I am, should you need anything just e-mail me and I will respond and finally, only the sweetest hopes and thoughts for you and your lovely mother. Seriously. For the love, you are a good daughter, and she is no doubt a good mother. Only good things to you and yours.

My grandfather had a brain tumor, but we didn't notice the symptoms in time for many treatment options to be effective. It was a very aggressive form, and it was scary to watch as a young 13 year old kid. My mother took the brunt of it, and shielded me from a lot, but it's hard. He was able to be at home with my grandmother and mother beside him when he passed, which was what he wanted. I wasn't first tier as you say, so I'm sure I don't know how hard it all really is (I was still too young), but at least you're both strong and fighting. Your mother will never be able to tell you how much it means having you there to fight this with her, words aren't enough for that kind of thanks. You're both in my thoughts, and thanks for continuing to share your recipes with us, take comfort in your craft :)