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Friday, December 10, 2010

Shaking my fist at the Facebook (users)

In honor of child abuse being 100% eradicated from the world forever as a result of people changing their Facebook profile images to cartoons for a few days, it’s time for another rant on stupid things people do on Facebook.

Keep in mind, if I end up make any references to anything you may do online, it’s completely accidentally except for when it’s on purpose.

Here are some status updates that I’ve grown tired of. I’ve been down this route before, but what the hell...

-Mysterio shit. Stuff like “wow, that was a close one!” or “Best. News. Ever.”

-Using. Periods. After. Every. Word.

-Anything regarding the weather. Unless you are actually updating your status from the interior of a tornado, nobody cares. Sometimes the weather changes quickly. Sometimes it seems to stay hot or cold FOREVER! Shut up. Stop.

- Countdowns. These might be the worst because they go on so long. Even worse, when they are attached to mysterio shit. My Asia megatrip starts in 264 days. If you people don’t stop with the countdowns, I’m gonna start. 264 days of annoying status updates. Think about it.

-Chain updates, i.e., “97% of people won’t repost the fact that they think cancer and Nazis are bad. I’m one of the 3% who did!!1! Aren’t I awesome?” 3% of people are into bestiality too. YOU just happen to be where those Venn diagrams cross.

- Any update that is attempting to get me to buy something. That’s not word-of-mouth sales, that’s spam. If you want to sell cosmetics on your Facebook, get a separate account for it.

-People that #have to #use #the pound key on #everyfuckingthingtheyevertype so that #Twitter might #trend #what #theyhavetosay. This is the trap that I’ll most likely fall into one day, but until that day comes, it will annoy #themostawesomepersonwhoeverlived #me.

-Speaking of Twitter - people that use FB status updates like it’s 2009 Twitter, i.e. “Just got back from the gym” or “Out of tampons, heading to the store.” This doesn’t bother me so much anymore, but only because I’ve blocked every Facebook friend that does this.

-People that post anything about that Alaskan woman. Even if you’re making fun of her, you’re still giving her free press. Ignore her, and she’ll go away.

-Farmville. Again, this doesn’t matter to me anymore, since I blocked you a long time ago.

-Sick people. Not mentally, of course, but physically. Nobody cares about your cold. Drink some orange juice and get back to work. Obviously, this doesn’t apply if you have a real ailment. but EVERYBODY catches colds now and then.

-People that take and publish multiple quizzes per day.

I could finish off with the predictable self-deprecating barb, i.e. “people that always post their lame blogs,” but I won’t. I’m perfectly comfortable in my own douchebaggery.