IMPORTANT: You Can Own Ron Swanson's Actual Mustache

The mustache belonging to Parks & Recreation’s Ron Swanson sits among those sported by Thomas Magnum from Magnum P.I. and Monterey Jack from Rescue Rangers in the pantheon of television’s greatest. It’s as thick and luxurious as the carpet in a sultan’s bedroom. (I assume. I don’t know many sultans.) Seeing as I could not grow a comparable mustache even if I didn’t shave for the better part of a decade, I am incredibly jealous of it, and would go to great lengths to acquire the ability to pull it off, even if just for a day. Until that becomes a possibility, however, I suppose I’ll have to settle for the next best thing: the ABILITY TO PURCHASE RON SWANSON’S ACTUAL MUSTACHE.

To help out pediatric cancer charity Because of Ezra, Swanson’s real-life alter-ego Nick Offerman went to the trouble (and expense) of having the ‘stache he grew and sported during the most recent season of Parks and Recreation professionally shaved. The holy hair was then meticulously reassembled into mustache form and placed upon the upper-lip of an exact replica of Swanson/Offerman’s noggin. And then, in order to protect the precious asset in question, Offerman spent a few grand more to enclose this modern shrine behind museum-quality glass. At Thursday’s Beverly Hills event, bidding will commence on what is being called The Nick Offerman Mustachium. “My mustache and I are tickled pink to have the opportunity to help raise some funds for this great charity,” Offerman told Vulture via e-mail. “My mature bush is also available by private auction, but only serious bidders (Zuckerberg or Romney) need apply.”

Smash your piggy banks, people. This is not a drill. You have the opportunity to acquire an important piece of television memorabilia (one that — at least in my book — belongs in the Smithsonian next to Archie Bunker’s chair and Zack Morris’s giant cell phone (this is in the Smithsonian, yes?)), and you can support a great cause in the process.

One hundred percent of puppies surveyed agree, this one’s a win-win.

NOTE: If you can’t make it to the auction in person, you can find out more about how to get involved by sending an email to offermanmustache@gmail.com.