Topic Contents

Talking With Children About Sex

Topic Overview

As children enter their teen years, they begin to have more
interest in dating, and many become sexually intimate with a partner. Almost
half of adolescents will have had sexual intercourse by 10th grade. And by 12th
grade, 61 children out of 100 have had sexual intercourse.1 Talking about sex can be awkward, but the earlier you start
the discussion, the better prepared your child will be to make safer decisions
about it.

Talking to your son or daughter about sex

Whether
they are sexually active or not, children need help to make responsible choices
about sex. Talking about sex does not encourage sexual activity in children.
Some studies show that talking openly and honestly about sex can prevent
teenage pregnancy.2 Having an open, honest
relationship with your child will largely depend on the quality of the
relationship you have built to this point.

The best time to begin
the discussion about sex is when your child is in elementary school. A good way
to start is to admit that talking about sex may be awkward, but that your child
should not ever be afraid to ask you questions. Discussing sex and sexuality
with your child is not a one-time conversation, however. As he or she grows and
matures, your child naturally has questions about sexuality. The more you can
give guidance, the better prepared your child will be to make responsible
decisions.

If you are unsure of how to begin such a conversation,
use everyday situations as an icebreaker. Use examples on TV or another teen's
pregnancy to start a discussion about sex and dating. If you wait for
others—friends, school staff, or another adult—to address sex, you do your
child a disservice.

Your local library, church or synagogue, or
organizations such as Planned Parenthood will have information to help you talk
to your kids about sex and family life issues. Planned Parenthood and other
groups offer counseling and classes you can take with your child to discuss
sex, dating, and other important issues.

Be aware that children
have easy access to many Web sites with sexual or pornographic content. Keep
the computer in a shared area where you can see what your child is doing
online.

Discussing contraception

Talking about condoms and
other forms of contraception is often based on family values and attitudes.
Nevertheless, it's essential to make sure your child understands how to avoid
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), how pregnancy
occurs, and how to avoid an unwanted pregnancy, be it by abstinence or the use
of condoms and other
birth control methods.

The American
Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends several strategies to help prevent
unplanned pregnancy. The AAP supports having programs in place that help
children delay becoming sexually active. The AAP also recommends that children
learn about contraceptive methods and be able to get them easily. This includes
emergency contraception methods.3

Defining sex

It's important not to make
assumptions about what your child knows or doesn't know about sex. Your child
may know something or nothing about sex. He or she may or may not know what the
terms sexual activity and sexual intercourse mean. Start by explaining these
terms. Make it clear that sex does not just mean vaginal sexual intercourse.
Oral sex is becoming more accepted among children. Generally, children do not
think of oral sex as "sex." They think of oral sex as a safe way to enjoy some
of the benefits of vaginal sex with less risk of feeling guilty, getting a bad
reputation, or going against their own values and beliefs.4 Also, some children don't understand that it is possible to
get a sexually transmitted disease or
HIV from having oral sex.4
Anal sex is another sexual activity that may take place without the child fully
understanding the risks of STDs and HIV.

Help your child
understand these risks as well as other possible effects from engaging in these
and other sexual behaviors. For example, some children may not realize the
emotional aftermath that sometimes results from having sex. Help your child
think about what makes a relationship strong. Talk about what it means to truly
care for another person.

Discussing sexual abuse and date rape

Giving your
child information about date rape is important. About 9 out of 100 adolescents
have been physical abused by a dating partner. And 20 out of 100 high school
girls have been physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.
5

Talk to your child about the
following:

Avoid places that are secluded. Go where there are other people, where you feel comfortable
and safe. Don't go to a date's home or invite him or her to yours. These are
the places where most acquaintance rapes (date rapes) occur.

Don't be afraid to be rude. If a situation
feels wrong or you start to get nervous, confront your date immediately or
leave as quickly as possible.

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They compromise your ability—and that of your date—to make
responsible decisions.

Go on a group or double date. Especially at first, dating in groups may be more comfortable and
less risky. When children are with friends who are trustworthy, they tend to be
safer, even when they break rules.

Noticing unusual behaviors

A child's interest in
sex and sexuality can range from none to a lot. It's natural and healthy for a
child to explore his or her sexuality as long as his or her behaviors are
balanced with other aspects of life. A child's sexual behaviors vary, based on
his or her age and environment (both in and out of the home). In some cases,
it's clear that sexual behavior is no longer natural and healthy, and a child
needs help from a doctor or counselor.

Other Places To Get Help

Online Resources

KidsGrowth

Web Address:

www.kidsgrowth.com

The KidsGrowth Web site, created by pediatricians, has
children's health resources for parents and teens. It offers a free newsletter
and information about child development, behavioral issues, and illnesses. The
TeenGrowth interactive Web site (www.teengrowth.com) offers a secure
environment for teens to get valuable information on topics such as alcohol,
drugs, emotions, health, family, friends, school, sex, and sports.

Planned Parenthood Web site for teens

Planned Parenthood

Web Address:

http://Teenwire.com/index.asp

Planned Parenthood has created this Web site to help teens get
information and news about teen sexuality, sexual health, and
relationships.

Organization

American Social Health Association: Teen Sexual
Health

P.O. Box 13827

Research Triangle Park, NC 27709

Phone:

1-800-227-8922 STI hotline(919) 361-8400

Fax:

(919) 361-8425

Web Address:

www.ashastd.org/teens/teens_overview.cfm

This American Social Health Association Web site
provides a safe, educational, and fun place for teens to learn about their
sexual health and about sexually transmitted infections (STIs). The Web site
aims to help start conversations between parents and teens about sexual health.
If you have questions or concerns about STIs, you can call the STI
hotline.

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