I have friends due in the next 2-3 weeks already having labor signs and having babies already.

I should be SO happy for them, I mean my baby is here, I'm not waiting anymore, but I feel more let down. I went 41 weeks and instead of my dream birth that I had been mentally preparing for for over 9 months I got a surprise csection.

Yes exactly- well it's my right side instead of left that's cracked. Except last night, the cluster nursing never stopped so she nursed basically from 5 pm to 7 am straight. I got like 10-20 minute spurts of sleep each hour from 11 to 7. I'm a zombie. She'd actually taken the paci and fell asleep in dh's arms at 9:30 and then at 10 he put her down to change out of his clothes and of course, she immediately woke up and pressed restart on the cluster nursing. I TOLD him not to put her down.

my turn...exactly. Except the part where your dh helped. Dd won't take a pacifier; they make her gag. Sometimes he can calm her on the exercise ball, but nothing doing last night. So, it was all me. And even if he can get her to sleep, he has to give her to me because he sleeps so hard and crazy. He can't even sit on the couch in the late evening and hold her because he falls asleep and nearly drops her!

And now she's sleeping ALL day...which means tonight will be interesting. Oh, and if you nurse ALL night, that sends a certain signal that means Mama is rather uncomfortable ALL day when you won't nurse hardly at all. I've kissed and jiggled and changed and all sorts of stuff. Nursed sorta, three times, since 8. . Betcha I get mastitis or something awful again.

I had the meeting with a trauma therapist a few days ago, and it went well. I then went to ICAN.

BIG, FAT mistake. I was fine after I left the therapist. NOT fine after ICAN. So not okay.

I was incredibly anxious afterwards. And it's only built. Yesterday night I was having issues breathing, that's how intense the panic was. I couldn't figure out why I was so afraid, especially so afraid to be alone.

And yesterday night, in the midst of the panic attack, I figured it out.

I am afraid of dying. In both of my c/s, I reacted to the anesthesia in a way that felt like I was dying. Struggled to breathe, felt weaker and weaker. It was like all my energy was being drawn inwards and downwards. And the last time, with the botched epidural, the anesthesiologist wouldn't listen to me and turn it off. No one was there to help me, since they sent hubby out of the room.

I am afraid of being in a position where I am dying, and can't get help. And being alone with my toddler and newborn. Scratch that. Terrified of it. Deeply, deeply terrified of it.

I've told my husband, and he's great. But the moments are still there. I managed to calm myself down some yesterday night and actually got some good sleep. However, now that I'm awake, it's back, though a low level.

I feel really nauseated, weak, tired. And I need to get this out. How do I get this out? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to run away from it, take something that blocks this feeling. Help, please.

I had the meeting with a trauma therapist a few days ago, and it went well. I then went to ICAN.

BIG, FAT mistake. I was fine after I left the therapist. NOT fine after ICAN. So not okay.

I was incredibly anxious afterwards. And it's only built. Yesterday night I was having issues breathing, that's how intense the panic was. I couldn't figure out why I was so afraid, especially so afraid to be alone.

And yesterday night, in the midst of the panic attack, I figured it out.

I am afraid of dying. In both of my c/s, I reacted to the anesthesia in a way that felt like I was dying. Struggled to breathe, felt weaker and weaker. It was like all my energy was being drawn inwards and downwards. And the last time, with the botched epidural, the anesthesiologist wouldn't listen to me and turn it off. No one was there to help me, since they sent hubby out of the room.

I am afraid of being in a position where I am dying, and can't get help. And being alone with my toddler and newborn. Scratch that. Terrified of it. Deeply, deeply terrified of it.

I've told my husband, and he's great. But the moments are still there. I managed to calm myself down some yesterday night and actually got some good sleep. However, now that I'm awake, it's back, though a low level.

I feel really nauseated, weak, tired. And I need to get this out. How do I get this out? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to run away from it, take something that blocks this feeling. Help, please.

Ami

Can you call your therapist? Since you had a good experience with that, I'd definitely bring up these feelings.

Second all of Just1More's advice-- eat, drink, try to not be alone. It's very good that you can talk about this with your husband. Lean on him in this and let him comfort you. Do you have other family that you can reach out to? Not to talk to them about this, if you don't want to, but just to visit, spend time with, so you're not sitting there alone thinking about it?

My little guy has been rolling over too. I can't believe it. I don't think DD rolled over until 2 months (4 months to roll tummy to back). Though she has low muscle tone so maybe that accounts for the difference.

I'm off to see the breastfeeding doctor again for a follow up. This third course of antibiotics actually seems to be working. I haven't cried out in pain while nursing all week!

Ami-hope you start feeling better soon. Trauma feels so awful but you CAN recover.

Just wanted to let you guys know that Carter's is having an online sale through Monday--a whole bunch of tops & pants are $5. I just bought some things for E; also, if you google for a Carter's coupon, you can find a $10 off a $50 purchase code, which is better than the free shipping promo they're advertising on their website.

Though she has low muscle tone so maybe that accounts for the difference.

Mae has been so much stronger than her brother and sister were from the moment she was born... she has been holding her head up and by 2 weeks was holding it fairly still. Now at almost 3 weeks it hardly feels like my baby is less than a month old.

Its sort of sad. She might be my last I wanted her to stay tiny! LOL

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.

Was Mae born later gestationally than your other kids? My longest gestated baby (41 wks) seemed so UN-newbornish when she was a newborn. I felt very robbed of that newborn phase lol. I was grateful when this current baby was born 3 wks earlier than her. But now that he's 4.5 wks old he's starting to seem more like an older baby. I keep telling him to stay little, but he just won't listen.

I second (third?) seeing your therapist again, dropping ICAN for a while, and working through these specific fears with someone you know can help you. I had a lot of dark times after my mother died (flashbacks to the accident, fears of losing my loved ones, etc.), and talking about it with a therapist really helped.

Was Mae born later gestationally than your other kids? My longest gestated baby (41 wks) seemed so UN-newbornish when she was a newborn. I felt very robbed of that newborn phase lol. I was grateful when this current baby was born 3 wks earlier than her. But now that he's 4.5 wks old he's starting to seem more like an older baby. I keep telling him to stay little, but he just won't listen.

oh my yes, Mae was 41w6d, DD1 was 39w0d and DS was 40w4d!

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.

hey guys, just wanted to post a quick update. I don't feel up to really participating online right now, and I've been 'banned' from reading about birth/pregnancy/newborns/etc. Too much stuff that I'm just not prepared to deal with right now. But I want you all to know I am ok.

I had my first meeting with my therapist friday and we worked on relaxation techniques. As much as they helped some, I spent too many days in constant anxiety, not being able to really sleep, with intense nausea, which made me not really eat/drink. I felt so weak yesterday I didn't trust myself to pick up 8.5lb Elias.

I went into the hospital yesterday, where they gave me IV fluids, some anti-nausea meds and prescribed some anti-nausea meds, some anti-anxiety meds and apparently I have a UTI, so some antibiotics.

I am feeling a bit better today, I got some really light sleep yesterday night (I kept going in and out of a light sleep). Had my prescriptions filled, so tonight will be night 1 on an anti-anxiety med. Supposedly it will also help me sleep. It seems that I can deal with the attacks better when I get some rest and make sure to eat/drink something. I am resorting to junk food to keep my calories up. It's hard to find food/drink appealing with the low level nausea.

Oh, and I also came out with a diagnosis of PPD/A with some possible PTSD (ya think??). Tomorrow I get to make some phone calls to see my gyno earlier than my 6wk checkup to get more help.

I am also seeing the therapist tomorrow, Thursday and Friday.

Taking it moment by moment. My family has really pitched in too. My mom took ds2 yesterday night, so all I had to do was tend to Elias. Tonight, after taking the anti-anxiety meds, my mom will take Elias, since I can't bf or cosleep with him while on it. When I get up early in the morning, I'll pump and dump and take him back. I'm going to pump some more milk soon, and we have some formula set aside just in case.

I feel really humbled right now. For once, I am demanding to be taken care of, and really opening up to dh and my family, especially my mom. I think it's helping a lot, because they really seem to understand that it's serious. Usually I'm a type A do it myself sort of gal. I'm a total bf advocate too. So for me to hand over my babies this readily, and not giving one flip is Elias gets some formula is really telling. While I would love to never be apart from my newborn and give him only breastmilk, I think he would benefit more from a momma who is sane and able to do things with him rather than be hospitalized.

All prayers, wishes, etc for this to pass as quickly and easily as possible are greatly, greatly, greatly appreciated.

hey guys, just wanted to post a quick update. I don't feel up to really participating online right now, and I've been 'banned' from reading about birth/pregnancy/newborns/etc. Too much stuff that I'm just not prepared to deal with right now. But I want you all to know I am ok.

I had my first meeting with my therapist friday and we worked on relaxation techniques. As much as they helped some, I spent too many days in constant anxiety, not being able to really sleep, with intense nausea, which made me not really eat/drink. I felt so weak yesterday I didn't trust myself to pick up 8.5lb Elias.

I went into the hospital yesterday, where they gave me IV fluids, some anti-nausea meds and prescribed some anti-nausea meds, some anti-anxiety meds and apparently I have a UTI, so some antibiotics.

I am feeling a bit better today, I got some really light sleep yesterday night (I kept going in and out of a light sleep). Had my prescriptions filled, so tonight will be night 1 on an anti-anxiety med. Supposedly it will also help me sleep. It seems that I can deal with the attacks better when I get some rest and make sure to eat/drink something. I am resorting to junk food to keep my calories up. It's hard to find food/drink appealing with the low level nausea.

Oh, and I also came out with a diagnosis of PPD/A with some possible PTSD (ya think??). Tomorrow I get to make some phone calls to see my gyno earlier than my 6wk checkup to get more help.

I am also seeing the therapist tomorrow, Thursday and Friday.

Taking it moment by moment. My family has really pitched in too. My mom took ds2 yesterday night, so all I had to do was tend to Elias. Tonight, after taking the anti-anxiety meds, my mom will take Elias, since I can't bf or cosleep with him while on it. When I get up early in the morning, I'll pump and dump and take him back. I'm going to pump some more milk soon, and we have some formula set aside just in case.

I feel really humbled right now. For once, I am demanding to be taken care of, and really opening up to dh and my family, especially my mom. I think it's helping a lot, because they really seem to understand that it's serious. Usually I'm a type A do it myself sort of gal. I'm a total bf advocate too. So for me to hand over my babies this readily, and not giving one flip is Elias gets some formula is really telling. While I would love to never be apart from my newborn and give him only breastmilk, I think he would benefit more from a momma who is sane and able to do things with him rather than be hospitalized.

All prayers, wishes, etc for this to pass as quickly and easily as possible are greatly, greatly, greatly appreciated.

Ami

Oh, Ami, definitely sending thoughts your way. I'm so glad that your therapist is on top of this and your family is supporting you.

We'll be thinking of you. Let us know how you're doing whenever you're up to it, but take your time and take care of yourself.

We have started a cycle of sickness at my house. My one son has asthma and I didn't want to send him to school today, but he's already missed 3 days, ugh. He has an inhaler at school, so he'll get it every 2 hours, but he had a hard time taking it this morning (short of breath). So, he's sick and my other son is still coughing too. Baby girl is even occasionally coughing and has some boogers. I am pumping myself with vit D, vit C, prenatals, and orange juice to ward off sickness for me and baby girl.

So, since becoming pregnant, I had to stop taking antidepressants, and I became pretty withdrawn (not uncommon for me during depression). I pretty much pushed every friend of mine away that lives nearby. I had to stop drinking, so it was hard to be around all my friends, because they drink. Well, Now I'm 2 months pp and starting to take my meds and feeling a bit better, but wondering what to do about my friendships? I'm a family gal and I've been spending ALL of my time with my family and at home. I *honestly* feel like I could do without having friends or a social life....is that horrible? Everybody always talks about how important it is to have friends, but I make worse choices for my family when I hang out with others. I feel less in control of my life when I have too much going on socially. I do well keeping contact with friends that live far away and I only see occasionally. I'm not totally sure if this is still mild depression talking or what.....I just feel pressure to have *friends*, kwim? And it's not really them with the drinking problem, it's me.....if I'm being social, I want a drink in my hand. Do you all have friends/playdates/etc?

Pacifica... I am a total hermit. I am friendly, but I NEVER hang out with people. Ever. My best friends live cross-country, and the people I have met locally are fine but I do not feel the need to hang. I don't think that makes me horrible. Not everyone is super social.
I have had social anxiety, but my husband has not, and he's not super social either. At work we both are, but when we're home we want to be with each other, not with other people.
That said... DS1 (almost 3) will need to socialize with kids. I rarely have playdates, but I do send him to day care a few times a week so he can hang out with kids. He likes that. As he gets older I'm sure we'll start doing birthday parties and playdates, but for now... nah.
I think having a lot of friends and a busy calender is overrated. I'm pretty damn happy with just my boys.

Thanks LitChick, I knew there was *some* reason I wanted to move to the mountains after college.....to get away from people!!! I just seem to feel better and do better when I have more time to myself. Now that I have a family, I want to spend all my time with them or alone. I miss my boys when they're at school, so on the weekend's and evenings, I make up for that time by hanging out with them. We don't have the money to go out to eat often. We generally don't have much fun when we go eat at other people's houses. The kids and I are ready to go home long before it's socially acceptable to leave (like right after eating, lol!). Not so comfortable in large groups either. Yeah, I'm one of those who's completely happy chillin' at home with the fam.

So, my baby girl is almost 8 weeks old now and she just smiles and makes the cutest cooing sounds. Oh, I love her to pieces. I'm about to get the baby toys out of the attic for her.

I spent many years with few local friends (twin boys with special needs, tons of therapy hours, and medical stays will do that to you!), and I actually found that it made me more prone to depression. It also, I believe, had a negative impact on my marriage. Between the special needs and the hardships and just the grind of parenting, we were too bound to family, too bound to our roles as parents. Our therapist suggested, strongly, to reach out into the community and start making connections--whether through play groups or volunteering or anything really, just to start working toward a life that had to do with something other than our roles as parents.

It's only been in the last two or three years that I've made some local friends, and it's made such a difference in my level of happiness--not to mention establishing a sphere outside of motherhood (or SAHMing) where I can interact and be myself in a non-mom role. All of my friends are moms (I met most of them through ds3 and his play group, actually), so we have that similar background to life. It's really important to me. Even if we're just seeing a movie, or having book club, or going out to eat, having that support and outlet has been great.

Ami--- have been reading along and praying for your healing. So proud of you for recognizing your need for help and seeking it.

Friends--my girls are in preschool so we do things after with some other moms. We also have couple friends with similar aged kids who we sometimes hang with on weekends. But seldom do I get out with my girlfriends.
Afm--laptop died. Grrr. Posting from phone and hate it. I've been waTching more tv. OMG do the goofballs on Bringing Home Baby have jacked up expectations! Uh huh...your 2 day old is going to give you 6 hrs of sleep. RiiiIght. And feed the freaking baby even if it hasn't been 3 hours. I yell @ the tv more than Wheel of Fortune. Which is ssying a lot!!

Pac- I've always been slow to make friends. It's taken me years but I finally have a few people I feel sort of close to. I don't see them/talk to them that often even though they are close by, but I feel like I can share things with them and could rely on them in a pickle. I met them in a prenatal exercise class 3 years ago when I was pregnant with DD. Friends are pretty important for me and I lean more towards depression when I don't have any. But my DH has no urge whatsoever to be social and have friends and he is totally happy that way. As long as it isn't the depression talking I would say if you are fine w/o friends don't push yourself to have them just b/c you are "supposed to", kwim?