Where we would all like to be

The greatest mystery known to man

Black holes, the discovery of all the species on the planet, the origin of man, proof of a deity; the explanations for all of these things are easier to figure out than to figure out what women are thinking. Rationality would have us believe that men and women’s thought patterns are very closely related to one another. I mean its weird because we are only separated by a single chromosome in the beginning. Yet the idea that there is anything rational about how a woman thinks is faulty in and of itself. Arguably the smartest man on the planet, Steven Hawkins, recently made the claim that women continue to be the universe’s greatest mystery. And that man is a genius. Like when people say, “Well, he’s smart but he’s no rocket scientist.” Yeah, yeah he is, this guy is smarter than rocket scientists, and HE doesn’t understand women.

It reminds me of a joke I heard a while back that demonstrates the irrationality of female thinking:

This guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles over something buried in the sand. After he picks himself up, he digs down into the sand to see what caused his tumble. He picks up what appears to be a bottle of some sort, but when he goes to brush the sand away to get a better look at it, the bottle begins to shake violently and without warning smoke starts erupting from all of its orifices, and “POOF,” a genie pops out.

The genie declares in a booming voice “You have awoken the most powerful genie in all the world, and as such you have been granted 3 wishes. What will they be?” The guy thinks about it for about a second and then blurts out, “I want a billion dollars.” Poof! But nothing happened. The guy looks around, but sees nothing. The genie instructs him to check his smart phone, and when he does in his bank account is a billion dollars.

His next wish is that he is surrounded by lots of hot chicks that are all into him. Poof! There are beautiful bikini clad vixens swarming all over him like he is in a real life AXE commercial. The genie then instructs him to ask for his final wish. The man thinks and thinks and finally says, “You know what, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid of flying and I hate boats, so what I want you to do is I want you to make me a road from California to Hawaii, so I can travel there whenever I want.”

The genie looks at the man and shakes his head, and once again in a deep booming voice bellows, “It is true I am the most powerful genie in all the world, but to take on a feat of that breadth would be near impossible. I would have to secure pylons stretching to the ocean floor that would have to reach miles. The pressure they would be under from the depth of the water is incalculable. The weather in that part of the ocean is unpredictable and waves and currents will constantly threaten to destroy the bridge. Not to mention the amount of concrete necessary to complete a project of that magnitude would be….you know what, just wish for something else.”

The man sits down and thinks and thinks and finally says, “Fine, then I’ve always wanted to know what women are thinking.” The genie looks at the man and asks, “Will that be 2 lanes or 4?”

Women have been making headlines recently for doing the crazy shit that women do, which is kind of redundant to say. The most notable headline was Tiger’s ex, once media victim, now eccentric headcase Elin Woods, bought a beach front mansion and had it torn down. Did I mention she paid $12 million dollars for this mansion in Florida. Yep, she definitely deserves money because how can she provide a life for herself and kids without the ability to do frivolous shit like this. Our archaic legal system’s results in action. She claims that there was a termite infestation that required her to demolish the entire house. Well, I think we can take 3 things away from this story.

Number one, apparently they don’t make fumigation tents big enough to cover mansions.

Second, she is an idiot for spending 12 million dollars on a house that was infested with termites. You might want to do a little legwork before you throw around Tiger’s, err, your money.

And third, no matter how much of Tiger’s money she spends, she will never be able to hurt him, she is only making herself seem like a foolish, bitter, scorned woman. I wish her the best of luck, but she has moved from being a victim to one crazy ass bitch who doesn’t’ know the value of money since she didn’t earn one scent of that 200+ million dollars she now has. Dave Chapelle was right when he joked, “Suck a dick [ladies], there’s a future in it.”

Then if that wasn’t enough, this insane mom upstages her son on national television during his press release. Landon Collins who is one of the most sought after defensive back prospects was declaring publicly which school had won his services for the next 4 years. His choices were Alabama and LSU. Well apparently the Tigers’ boosters promised mom more of what she wanted, because her 18 year old son made the choice to attend Alabama. And right afterwards mom told the reporters they were still going to talk go Tigers. Your son is now a man lady. If you want him to act like a man and make his own decisions, and respect the women in his life, then you have to stop second guessing him.

Rap and the hip-hop lifestyle isn’t what causes misogynistic tendencies in male athletes, it’s the trifling women in their lives starting with their own mothers. It’s true that you made him, you gave him life, and raised him. But it’s time to let him show you and the world that he learned the lesson you taught him and that he can now make up his own mind and be a man.

I guess it can all be summed up in Jack Nicholson’s famous response in the movie As Good as it Gets when he is asked how he is able to write for his female leads so convincingly and so closely mimic how women think. His answer, “I think about a man, and then take away reason and accountability.” True, concise, poignant. It’s not misogyny, its reality.