Friday, April 30, 2010

Wayne and I both knew we wanted kids when we got married but we weren't sure how many or even when we would be ready. About a year after we were married I found out I was pregnant but just 6 weeks in I had a miscarriage. We were both devestaed by this but we also knew then that we didn't want to wait any longer to start a family. For the next year we waited and waited but nothing ever happened. Due to our ages we were referred to a fertility specialist to see if there were any problems. One of the top ranked fertility specialist in the country is located in this area and we were excited that we were lucky enough to get referred to her clinic. We had our first appointment with her and in that appointment she told us that age didn't matter and that if we wanted a baby she could make that happen. We scheduled our next appointment and then had the preliminary blood work done. I remember being so excited and visioning myself pregnant within weeks (anyone one of you who has been through this knows what I am talking about). I also remember thinking that the women in my family don't have problems getting pregnant so our trouble must be on Wayne's side and just new that any issue would be an easy fix.When we went to our next visit I was sure we would be ready to start any process needed to begin our journey. I was not prepared to hear the doctor tell me that I had some medical issues that would prevent me from getting pregnant. She continued to tell us that she would not even allow us to attempt IVF (or any other treatments). She went on to tell us that she knew IVF would not work and that she would really just be taking our money if we tried. She told us we needed to find another way to have a family if we really wanted one. We both left her office that day deflated and completely broken. Why would God put the desire to be parent's in our heart if we weren't meant to have kids? During our appointment she suggested I go see a Rheumatologist about the antibodies that were found in my bloodwork. Evidently it was the antibodies that she was concerned with. I met with the Rheumatologist a few times and at my last appointment I was told that I did have a very elevated level of ANA antibodies but showed no signs of any illness that is caused by these antibodies. He also told me that while I would be able to get pregnant I would not be able to sustain the pregnancy and would end up having another misscarriage. He also told me that I could be pregnant and have a misscarriage and never know because my body would automatically attack the pregnancy as if it were a disease. One of the last things he told me was that if I was able to get pregnant and carry a baby to term then the baby would be born with multiple heart problems and would most likely have multiple birth defects. Once again I left a doctor's office feeling devestated. I was really upset because I was the one responsible for us not being able to have a family and there wasn't anything we could do to fix the problem. We both watched our friends start and expand their families and didn't understand why we were picked for this journey but at least we knew we had each other. We eventually decided that adoption would be our only way to have a family and started down that road full force. About 5 months into the adoption process I had a feeling that something was different and thought I might be pregnant. I remember buying the tests and Wayne asking me why we needed them. I think I took about 5 home tests, all positive results, and still didn't believe I was pregnant. I thought I had some other medical problem that would cause a positive result. I just knew that the doctor would tell me I was sick and not pregnant when he received the lab results from the blood test. The minute they told me I was pregnant I was not only excited but also immediately started to worry. Each week was a milestone for us and when we finally made it out of the first trimester my worries changed from possible misscarriage to what would be wrong with our baby. I tried my best to keep my worries to myself but I am not sure how well I was able to do that. Wayne and I decided not to do any of the prenatal testing for birth defects and would instead rely on the ultrasounds for any information. We both agreed that God gave us this child for a reason and no matter what we would love this child with all of our hearts. Our decision did not make my worries go away and I remember praying that God would give me the strength to care for a baby with medical issues. At every appointment I asked if we would have an ultraound and was told that we would only get the amount the insurance would pay for and only have more if they felt we needed one. I worried the entire duration of my pregnancy and prepared myself for the news that something would be wrong with my baby once he was delivered. I remember when Jacob was born (via c-section) all I wanted to hear was his cry but also was preparing for the news that he had birth defects and a bad heart. When I heard his cry I immediately started crying (like I am sure all mothers do) but never heard any more news about his condition. I remember thinking, could it be possible and he be perfectly healthy? Wayne and the nurse brought him over for me to see and at that moment all I could see was the most beautiful miracle from God. He had blessed us with the most beautiful little (big) baby boy in the world. He had great lungs and was the size of a month old baby already (born 9lbs 12oz). My worries were gone. I knew after seeing him that he was healthy. That day there was no looking back and we began our journey as a family of 3. Wayne and I are still amazed at how God has blessed us. We know that it is only by God's grace that I was able to carry the pregnancy to full term and that he was born without ANY problems. Jacob is a living breathing miracle in our opinion and we give God all the glory. There isn't a day that goes by that we are not thankful for our miracle we call Jacob and know God has great things planned for his life. Happy 2nd Birthday Jacob! We love you more each and every day. We pray that you grow up knowing and loving God the way he knows and loves you.