I am still in complete shock but found out 3 weeks ago that I am pregnant.

My DH and I have been trying for a baby for over 3 years and during that time, I have had a large number of tests/ scans & assisted treatments to try and conceieve and sadly we have experienced 2 pregnancy losses (one chemical & one at 8 weeks - following HB at 6 weeks). I have had tests for immune problems and infertility and everything always comes back as unexplained. I recently discovered that I don't have PCOS (as originally diagnosed) and was immediately taken off metformin. I was also on Asprin but with blood clotting tests all ok - I was told to come off that as well.

Shortly after coming off the drugs I started to experience 'perfect' cycles. 28 days long with 3-5 days worth of stretching cervical mucus around ovulation (something I never had). We were on the waiting list for IVF due to start in Sept when I randomly and out of nowhere discovered I was pregnant.

I am almost 7 weeks. Initially I was bouncing of the walls with excitement but lately as I approach the point of our last miscarriage 7-8 weeks (It was a missed miscarriage so not sure when pregnancy was actually lost) I have started to feel only fear and worry. I am finding it IMPOSSIBLE to relax and to trust that this pregnancy has a greater chance of continuing than not - its the other way round in my head I am sure that the little bean won't make it.

I am also on pregnany symptom watch like it was my job - constantly off to the loo to feel my boobs and check whether my nipples are sensitive. Today my nipples aren't at all sensitive so I have convinced myself its all over.

I'm in hell instead of in heaven where i should be....

Any advice?

xxxxxxxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

So sorry to read of all you've been through. It's fantastic news for you though so The worry won't leave you I'm afraid but as your pregnancy progresses it will get easier. I am pg naturally after my daughter was born through DEIVF so I kind of appreciate your situation.

My advice would be, pay for a private early scan if you can. I know that won't ease your worries completely after your previous experience but it will help, waiting for 12 weeks will feel like an eternity! Perhaps you could have a couple before the 12 week marker? Maybe even try and swing a couple on the NHS if you speak to your midwife and explain all your worries and previous history and that you are stressed, it's her job to look after you after all!!

Try not to symptom watch, symptoms or lack of them means nothing either way. Everyone is difference has experiences different levels of symptoms. I am in the 'hardly anything at all' camp and lots of ladies sail through with very little in the way of symptoms.

I know it's hard but try and stay up beat and positive, chances are everything will be fine, so many people seem to get pg naturally after IVF, I don't believe it's coincidence any more, something seems to get 'fixed'.

Thank you for your quick reply Gracie!!! Congratulations to you too!!!

Your post has really helped me - I have been umming and arrging about whether or not to get a scan done for fear that it will be the same as last time - but I think I need to for peace of mind - as you say its a very very long wait to 12 weeks! I am extremely grateful to be here at all after everything we have been through but just pray all works out ok. How far into your pregnancy are you? I am relieved to hear you say that symptom watching is a waste of time - i know that deep down but sometimes you just need a reminder!!

Thanks Gracie!

xx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

Congratulations on your bfp
I would say the same as Gracie, try and get your midwife to get you an early scan on the nhs just to put your mind at rest. I had no symptoms at the begining of my pregnancy so please dont worry about how many/lack of symptoms, it will drive you insane. Try to enjoy because your little baby will be here before you know it xxx

I'm not sure that I've got anything useful to say other than I know exactly how you feel. DH and I have been ttc for over two and a half years. The fertility tests showed no problems. We decided to have IVF a year ago but lost the baby at 13 weeks. I then got pregnant naturally earlier this year but had a m/c at five weeks. We had been thinking about having another round of IVF or using some of our snow babies but then, just like you, we discovered I was pregnant naturally (seven weeks yesterday).

It's a massive shock isn't it? And I feel bad for not feeling more positive or happy but I know exactly what you mean when you say you're on symptom watch. I am constantly analysing everything: do I feel as sick and tired as I did yesterday?; why aren't my boobs changing like they did before?; how am I able to stomach more food today?, etc, etc.

I also totally freaked out at five weeks, which was when I had the last m/c. My symptoms changed and I stupidly used one of those Clearblue conception indicator tests to try to monitor the progression of the pregnancy but it didn't give the result I was expecting. I was convinced that I'd miscarried again and so, following the advice of the lovely ladies here, had some bHCG blood tests to check. Amazingly they showed everything was fine and then my symptoms returned too.

However, as the time since these tests increases, so does the feeling of dread that something bad is going to happen. I'm paying for a scan next Monday and am absolutely petrified (scans are how I found out about my previous two m/cs). But I can't wait until 12 weeks - how do people cope with not knowing until then?

So I think what I'm trying to say to you, and I'm afraid it isn't much, is that I understand how you feel and that a couple of extra scans along the way, as suggested by the other FZ ladies, is probably a good thing. And I think that this is just the way it is for people like us who are so painfully aware of what can go wrong. And maybe if I can come to terms with that, then a little of the anxiety will be relieved. But it's so much easier said than done.

Kat13 & Flowergirl! Thank you for your replies This website really is such a HUGE support.

Kat13 thank you for your advice and reassurance re: symptoms and I love the thought that I could be holding the baby that's inside me in 9 months... strangely I haven't even thought of that as a possibility so the very thought just gave me a huge lift.

Flowergirl - wow. Firstly massive CONGRATULATIONS, you have been on such a long and painful journey (I am so sorry to hear of your losses, I can imagine how devestating that was for you and your DH) and through all of that pain and uncertainty you have kept going and are now pregnant again - really really wonderful.

Its so easy to feel so lonely on this journey and so I feel very reassured to have come in contact with you and realise that I am not. I suppose it is only natural that we should feel all of this anxiety after everything we have been through, after all we can only go by past experiences in life. I guess its a case of day to day..... I really hope it all goes quickly and smoothy for both of us. I wish you all the very very b est for your scan on Monday (I think I will be talking to my GP tomorrow following all of the great advice on here).

Keep in touch if you need the support/to talk/or generally have a melt down - no doubt i'll be doing the same!! Congrats again xxx

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

I'm sorry if my first posting wasn't very positive - I think I was a bit shocked to find someone so similar and I'm quite new to this (or any) forum. You seem much more together than me and you are right about lots of things - it is understandable that we feel this way and we can only take one day at a time. Someone else wise has told me to try to keep busy and distracted, which is good advice because otherwise you could go crazy with all the wondering and waiting.

I hope your GP is helpful and that your scan goes well. Let me know if you want to talk too - hopefully one of us will be feeling positive when the other is in meltdown!

I've been where you are now....thankfully I now have a wonderful 2.5 yr old daughter and am 31 weeks pregnant with my second. Before that I tried for 2 years to conceive and then, when I did conceive, suffered 4 miscarraiages over another 2 year period.

My advice, like the others say, is to get an early scan even if you have to pay for it. Obviously it won;t change the outcome but if it is sad news it might give you a little more information about what is going on which might help in the future.

Throughout your pregnancy you will worry. The way I coped with this was to 'timebox' my thoughts into a 30 minute period each day. So I ouwld allow myself 30 minutes each day to think about the pregnancy and the baby, to talk over my fears with my partner. This stopped it from taking over my every waking thought and sending me into a bundle of nerves for 9 months.

And take heart.....once you get through this pregnancy period and are holding your baby in your arms there is a slight silver lining to having been through infertility. I found that compared to my newfound mum friends who had never had problems conceiving or had not miscarried that I was able to cope with the tough going that the first few months with a newborn can be. Compared to sleepless nights due to sadness of wondering if I would ever be a mum, sleepless nights with a baby seemed like a breeze.

Thought I'd reply now as I'm finding it hard to watch Mo in the 5000m!!! too nerve racking!

Thank you so much for your help Jensqui and reasurrance. I have booked a 7 week scan privately for Tuesday. I am so ridiculously nervous about what we'll find, but I just need to know now what is happening inside. I haven't felt anxiety like it - becoming obsessed with Olympics to take my mind off it - has been a life-saver!! I love your suggestion of having just 30 minutes to think about it. I tried it today but not sure how I did....but will keep doing it - I've also taken a lot of hope in your own story. Miracles do happen and I completely love what you had to say about appreciating your newborn in a different way. I showed my DH all of your stories today and he couldn't believe how many people experience such similar journey's we have felt so alone!!

MO just won!!!!!!! and I started crying.... those pregnancy hormones. Such a long hard race and he made it! All I can hope is my little bean does the same....

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

Well I thought I'd update you all. I had the scan today and so far so good. MIRACLE

The fetal pole measured 0.88 which means I'm about 6+6 weeks (4 days less then I thought but she told me it didn't matter and was rarely spot on) The heartbeat was 148 bpm (very strong in her words :weehee and the sound was unbelievable the best in the world. What was really bizzare is that there were 2 empty sacs next to it which means at one point i was carrying triplets. For some reason this worries me.... I hope they won't interfere with the baby and its development,.....

But so far all good. I am still anxious as all of this happened last time (fetal pole and heartbeat) but we went on to miscarry.... so certainly no celebrating but at least we know for now - all is ok.

Thanks so much for your support and advice.

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

Update

I just wanted to update this post. I often search the web for people in similar situations as me and feel quite frustrated when I don't know how it ended!

So sadly, this didn't end as I hoped. We had 2 early pregnancy scans (6 weeks and 8 weeks) and both were great. Bean was growing well each time and heartbeat was 148bpm & 179 bpm (so very strong). During the 8 week scan the sonographer asked me to cough - I did and we saw our little bean wriggle. It was the most beautiful sight of my life.

Very very sadly though at our 9 week scan (5 days later) the heart had stopped beating and our bean was lifeless.

As before, I had no signs that anything was wrong (bleeding / loss of symptons) and was wretching like mad on the morning of the scan. I had an ERPC done the next day.

It's 5 weeks on now. The pain of losing another pregnancy is begining to shift into acceptance and I'm back on my feet and getting ready to continue on our journey again.

We are going back to St Mary's to meet with Professory Regan for a consultation to discuss the pregnancy tissue analysis results. Although the consultant who performed my ERPC (and works at St. Marys Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic) felt confident (due to my multitude of tests prior to and during the pregnancy) that this loss was down to chromosonal abnormality. So will see.....

xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "butterflybee" (Oct 2nd 2012, 2:40pm)

I am so sorry to read this sweetie. A huge positive is that your body can get pregnant naturally. Take time to grieve your loss and we'll be watching carefully to see how you get on with future developments. Xxx

Update Number 2

Hello!

I just wanted to take a moment to update this post for anyone who had been looking at it - as I have said before, I always want to know what happens to be people who I have read posts from on forums...

It is a year on since I suffered our 3rd miscarriage (Aug 2012). I was being seen at St Mary's hospital under Professor Lesley Regan. She advised that (once ready) we get back on the horse (so-to-speak!) and try to get pregnant naturally again. We started trying in January and to my utter amazement (considering the difficulties we have had conceiving in the past) we fell pregnant again for the 4th time in April. I went in to the recurrent miscarriage clinic at 7 weeks for my first scan and we could see a little heart beating. I was then asked to have a TEG test done. This test is done to see how the blood is reacting in pregnancy (whether it is clotting at a faster and more intense level then normal). I have had this test done 3 times at St Mary's (all outside of pregnancy) and my blood was fine, but this time 7 weeks into my pregnancy it showed that my blood was indeed behaving strangely and clotting at a faster rate than usual. At last we had an explanation for why I lost my previous pregnancies. Prof. Regan said all I needed was to take 150mg of baby asprin daily until 34 weeks. It was not necessary for me to take heparin aswell as the intensity of my blood clots was not enough to require this drug on top of the asprin.

We had another scan at 9 weeks, 11 weeks and then 12 weeks - our baby was growing strong.

I am now 21 weeks. I can't believe I am writing that. It has been 4 very long, painful years and I never thought I'd get to this point - but as I tap away little bean is in me (and what a little wriggler he/she is Our 20 week scan went brilliantly and all is well. 19 weeks to go and counting - I am still nervous (given our history) but feel stronger and more excited every day.

I am very open to anyone who wants to PM me re: St. Mary's, Prof Regan or asprin - happy to share my experiences.

BB xxxxxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

Final update!

Hello

Just wanted to put in my final post. After 4.5 years of trying for a baby, 10 fertility treatments, 3 miscarriages and a lot of tears... Our gorgeous son was born last week. He is perfect and our wildest dreams have come true.

The fear that quietly plagued me for years has quietly departed and an intense and possessive love has grown in its place.

There were many times on our journey when I felt lower than I thought it was possible to feel - but I don't think it ever crossed my mind to give up.

Anyone reading this who is still struggling to either conceive, cope with miscarriage/recurrent miscarriage or manage the anxiety of bring pregnant after losses.... Please don't give up. You are on a path and no one can stay how long the journey is ahead of you but if you keep walking it will come to an end.

"It will all be ok in the end, if its not ok... It's not the end."

Thanks for being there for me on one of the toughest yet most rewarding journey of my life.

Xxxxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

Congratulations!!!
So pleased for you bb
I was waiting with everything crossed that your precious bundle would arrive safe xx hhope you are enjoying motherhood and you are recovering well from c section, it took me weeks to feel normal again

Final FINAL update

FINAL (FINAL!) Update

So, thought I'd add my final update! So we had our baby boy back in Jan 14 and he is everything we ever dreamed possible - quite literally the light of our lives. My hubby and I finally pressed play on life again and enjoyed every second of it. I was sure I had completed our family and felt ready to let go of dreams of a bigger family - I simply couldn't go through another miscarriage again.

Our son turned 2 and something shifted - I wanted to be pregnant again. The urge was so strong yet combined with an utter fear of the past and re-entering the unknown again. I swolliwed my fears and to our shock I fell pregnant immediately. Great I thought - I can't possibly suffer another miscarriage. But very sadly, I did, at 9 weeks. This time the chromosomal analysis of the tissue (I had an ErPC) revealed an abnormality. I was comforted to know my blood wasn't clotted but devastated by yet another loss.

We put trying for another child to bed. We had our son and felt so happy that moving forward was so much easier this time. But a sadness washed over me and wouldn't go. I couldn't ignore my desire for another child but felt completely terrified at the thought of a 5th miscarriage.

Christmas 2016 I told myself - it could be a few years of pain but at least I tried or a lifetime of 'what if...'. And so we started trying again. To our amazement in Early Feb I discovered I was pregnant, I was overjoyed but also terrified. One evening at 7 weeks pregnant while sat on the sofa I started to bleed. I couldn't believe it and lay in bed sobbing most of the night. We went to a private scan the following morning feeling terrible only to discover a heartbeat!!!

2 weeks ago we gave birth to our darling daughter. We are thrilled and can't believe that in the end we were given everything we ever wanted. A terrible journey that led to a wonderful ending xxxx

BUTTERFLYBEE

26/01/14 DS born
10/10/17 DD born

'It'll all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.'

This post has been edited 1 times, last edit by "butterflybee" (Oct 27th 2017, 5:48pm)

So, thought I'd add my final update! So we had our baby boy back in Jan 14 and he is everything we ever dreamed possible - quite literally the light of our lives. My hubby and I finally pressed play on life again and enjoyed every second of it. I was sure I had completed our family and felt ready to let go of dreams of a bigger family - I simply couldn't go through another miscarriage again.

Our son turned 2 and something shifted - I wanted to be pregnant again. The urge was so strong yet combined with an utter fear of the past and re-entering the unknown again. I swolliwed my fears and to our shock I fell pregnant immediately. Great I thought - I can't possibly suffer another miscarriage. But very sadly, I did, at 9 weeks. This time the chromosomal analysis of the tissue (I had an ErPC) revealed an abnormality. I was comforted to know my blood wasn't clotted but devastated by yet another loss.

We put trying for another child to bed. We had our son and felt so happy that moving forward was so much easier this time. But a sadness washed over me and wouldn't go. I couldn't ignore my desire for another child but felt completely terrified at the thought of a 5th miscarriage.

Christmas 2016 I told myself - it could be a few years of pain but at least I tried or a lifetime of 'what if...'. And so we started trying again. To our amazement in Early Feb I discovered I was pregnant, I was overjoyed but also terrified. One evening at 7 weeks pregnant while sat on the sofa I started to bleed. I couldn't believe it and lay in bed sobbing most of the night. We went to a private scan the following morning feeling terrible only to discover a heartbeat!!!

2 weeks ago we gave birth to our darling daughter. We are thrilled and can't believe that in the end we were given everything we ever wanted. A terrible journey that led to a wonderful ending xxxx