Monday, February 25, 2013

JEFFREY LORIA IS A PIECE OF SHIT, WRITES OPEN LETTER TO PROVE IT

I don't know who these guys are either, Juan.

Welcome to Strip Club With Stanton, Year III. Last season, we had a lot to look forward to, but in typical Marlins fashion, it all fell apart. Then Jeffrey Loria pulled out his penis, urinated on the entire city of Miami and tried to tell us it was a beautiful work of art. The last 365 days has been, for lack of a better word, ass.

But, fear not, my friends. I'm back. And with your help and support, I'll hopefully have the wherewithal to wake up every day and write funny things about this godforsaken organization.And, hey, why don't we just start with Jeffrey Loria's open letter to the city of Miami? (His words in bold, my comments directly under.)

Enjoy!

LETTER TO OUR FANS

It's no secret that last season was not our best -- actually
it was one of our worst.

This is actually the first time since 2003 that Jeffrey Loria isn't lying, which is refreshing, I suppose.

In large part, our performance on the field
stunk

UNDERSTATEMENT ALERT! and something needed to be done.

I was down for a morale-boosting pizza party, but I suppose trading away the entire team was a close second on my official Things That Needed to be Done list.

As a result of some bold moves,
many grabbed hold of our tough yet necessary decision only to unleash a
vicious cycle of negativity.

For real, yo.

I, for one, was expecting a foam party with topless dancers at LIV in celebration of such bold moves. Instead, the ungrateful masses of South Florida were too dumb to understand that trading away almost EVERY SINGLE QUALITY PLAYER for pennies and reinvesting exactly $0 back into the roster was a tough yet necessary decision. Jeffrey Loria makes daring moves and you fans--you silly, silly fans--are too stupid to see how great and wise and bold they are.

Also, Vicious Cycle of Negativity would be a great name for this franchise, should the powers that be ever decide to rebrand again.

As the owner of the ball club, the buck
stops with me and I take my share of the blame where it's due.

The
controversial trade we made with the Toronto Blue Jays was approved by
Commissioner Bud Selig and has been almost universally celebrated by
baseball experts outside of Miami for its value.

"Or at least its potential value. In, like, 2016. If every single one of these prospects pans out, which never ever happens, but we'll see, I guess."

I think that's how Loria was trying to end that sentence, anyway.

We hope, with an open
mind, our community can reflect on the fact that we had one of the worst
records in baseball.

Oh, goody. Let's all reflect!

Acquiring high-profile players just didn't work, and nearly everyone on our team underperformed as compared to their
career numbers.

And, of course, the lesson we've learned from this is that we should totally rely on one-year sample sizes where Jose Reyes's BABIP starts out in the negatives (that may be a bit of an overstatement, but not much) and GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON misses an entire month, and aside from Heath Bell, the guys who underperformed weren't even the high-profile guys you signed in the offseason and--OHMYGOD I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

Our plan for the year ahead is to leverage our young
talent and create a homegrown roster of long-term players who can win.

I'm not even sure what this means. We plan to win or something. In fact, I'm kinda concerned that this hasn't been the plan all along, but whatever. Long as we're all finally on the same page here. Even though, I'm pretty sure a team could probably accomplish this goal with some big name players on the roster, too, but again, whatever.

In fact, objective experts have credited us with going from the 28th
ranked Minor League system in baseball to the 5th best during this
period.

Also, experts credited the team with going from Wildcard contender to a potential 100-loss season, which is probably also some kind of feat, so we got that going for us, too, which is nice.

Of the Top 100 Minor Leaguers rated by MLB Network, we have six
-- tied for the most of any team in the league.

This is probably the dumbest statement you'll read in this entire letter. Basically, Jeffrey Loria would like you to know that his team has six guys who are awesome at something that isn't Major League Baseball. Maybe--HOPEFULLY--one day they will be, but right now, nope. What he doesn't mention is the amount of top quality Major League talent this team possesses. Because that list ends at GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON. That's it. The rest of the roster is chlamydia.

We'll evaluate this
roster and possibly bring in additional talent based on our assessment
of what we need.

Juan Pierre, for instance!

The very same naysayers who are currently skeptical
once attacked us for bringing Pudge Rodriguez to the Marlins in 2003.
More than any other, that move contributed to our World Series
Championship.

"You see, you can never criticize our ineptitude because this one time we made this one move that totally worked out and now we're good forever, suck it haters, this logic is foolproof."

THE BALLPARK

The ballpark issue has been repeatedly reported incorrectly and
there are some very negative accusations being thrown around. It ain't
true, folks.

Oh, well why didn't you say so in the first place? Guys, pack it up and go home. It ain't true.

Those who have attacked us are entitled to their own
opinions, but not their own facts. The majority of public funding came
from hotel taxes, the burden of which is incurred by tourists who are
visiting our city, NOT the resident taxpayers.

The Marlins organization
also agreed to contribute $161.2 million toward the ballpark, plus the
cost of the garage complex. In addition, the Marlins receive no
operating subsidy from local government funding. The ballpark required
that all debt service is paid by existing revenue.

OUR FINANCES

The simple fact is that we don't have unlimited funds, nor does
any baseball team or business.

Oh, cool, patronization. How cute.

Fans didn't turn out last season as much
as we'd like, even with the high-profile players the columnists decry
us having traded.

Fans didn't not show up because they weren't excited about the high-profile players. Fans didn't show up because those high-profile players were playing for a team 10-games under .500 for much of the season. In fact, if the team had been any better than dreadful for even part of the year, the organization probably would have reached its attendance goal. (Shitstorm considered, they only fell about 500,000 short.)

The main ingredient to a successful ball club is
putting together a winning team,

Also, thyme. Lots and lots of thyme.

including a necessary core of young
talent.

"And boy, oh boy, do we have young talent. We've got young talent coming out the wazoo. And you'll get to see them in, like, six or seven years."

Are we fiscally capable and responsible enough to fill the
roster with talented players, invest in the daily demands of running a
world-class organization and bring a World Series back to Miami?

A little over two years ago, this site was launched, inspired by the great Zoo With Roy. In that time, the amount of support I've received from you internet strangers has been staggering. I don't do this to get famous, and I don't even care if I go to the strip club with GIANCARLOCRUZMICHAELSTANTON anymore. I do this for you. Because I [heart] you. And I think that deep down, you [heart] me, too.