The University of Saskatchewan’s main campus is situated on Treaty 6 Territory and the Homeland of the Métis.

A Sheaf guide to surviving finals

Seeing as the brutality of final exam season is upon us and the mortality rate of students generally skyrockets during this time of year, the Sheaf has put together a guide with some tips to ensure that you survive this dangerous period.

First, do whatever you want before your finals — if you want to study, study. If you don’t give a fuck and want to wing your exams, then go right ahead. Listening to your heart in these matters is the key to making it through the studying phase, seeing as over-studying is the number one killer of students.

The main thing to worry about is your behaviour at your exams. It is the moments leading up to the test where students attack one another directly. Rates of death increase if your final is located in the Engineering Building and you take the first 20 minutes of your exam time to find the room — latecomers are typically thrown into a fire upon arrival.

If you are waiting outside of your exam before it starts, be sure to keep your mouth shut. There is nothing more infuriating than groups of people chatting prior to the exam, frantically going over concepts and quizzing each other on material.

This type of behaviour only leads other students to panic; as you blab on and on about the process of photosynthesis and cell biology, other students waiting for the exam are likely wondering: “When the fuck did we learn that?” As soon as you have other students thinking that, you’re in trouble.

Death is surely around the corner for you, seeing as eliminating eager students from the final exam race will improve the grades of everyone else.

During the final exam itself, there are a couple of things you can avoid to ensure you make it out alive. A leading cause of death is students eating noisy and stinky snacks during the test. Don’t be that person who pulls out a bag of vegetables and crunches away loudly.

We all get hungry during tests, but all the more reason to avoid eating. Hungry people do desperate things and are usually in a vicious frame of mind. It’s better to put off eating until after the exam to make sure that other students are not triggered by your loud munching or attempted soft chews — we can still hear you, by the way — which will only send hateful glares your way, a warning sign that death is approaching.

While in the test, be sure to not request any extra exam booklets. The last thing you want is other students secretly judging you for the fact that you clearly know the material. The second you shoot your hand up or walk to the front to grab another booklet, you can be sure that you have just become a target. Nobody likes an overachiever.

If you leave the exam first after an hour, everyone will assume you weren’t prepared and you will likely survive. However, if you leave the exam first anywhere between the two hour or two-and-a-half hour mark, you will certainly die. In most cases, there is a hired hitman waiting outside the door, ready to zap the first student who walks out.

Leaving the exam first during this time window means you have just stressed out your fellow students, who are reminded of how little time they have left. Do not be this person if your life means anything to you.

Lastly, do not ask any questions in the exam. This is irritating and frustrating to other students who just want some peace and quiet, for goodness sake. Besides, you’re in university, there’s no need for questions since you should know everything already.

Follow this guide to stay out of trouble this exam season — your life depends on it.