I don’t know what it is. Everything I touch in the kitchen turns out burned or half-baked. Hey, I do read the directions. I swear. It must have something to do with the cook. So I usually leave it up to Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald or Ramen Noodle. Just kidding. Sort of.

The nice chef from the Culinary Institute of America could barely hide a grimace as he watched me hack an onion to bits. “Not that way; ju-lee-enne,” he said, guiding my shaking hand. I tried to approximate what he was doing; these onions were the best I could do.Then, time to grate the Gruyere. Managed to do that without losing any fingers. Barely.

Hey — can anybody tell me how this works?

Uh, I sure could use a hit right about now.

Then it was on to the salad mixer. Amazingly, I managed not to get the goods all over the floor.

Taking time to smell the herbs …

I have no earthly idea what I’m doing with these cheese puffs.

But the end result was one of the best meals I’ve ever had. Seriously.