A Vaccine for Europhilia?

Science yesterday took a big step forwards, when a British-Polish research team from the Laboratory of Applied Genetics at Hastings University announced to have identified the Europhobia gene, after a multi-year study of twins. This important discovery opens the way for a medical treatment of Europhilia and could even lead to a vaccine.

According to Prof. Godwinson, the research team leader, it all started off with this simple statement of facts: “For several years, we had noticed an increase in multiple births in Britain and, at the same time, a rise of Euroscepticism in the opinion polls. Obviously, the question arose: was there a correlation between the two phenomena? To be certain, we decided to undertake a research programme aimed at examining genetic factors in the growth of Europhobia. We were then fortunate enough to enrol as volunteers for the study two famous pairs of twins with strong anti-European feelings: firstly, Sir David and Sir Frederick Barclay, the billionaire owners of The Daily Telegraph, whose newspaper recently had the good idea of digging up the dirt of the MP’s expenses scandal just one month before the last European elections; secondly, Lech and Jaroslaw Kaczynski, respectively President of Poland and Chairman of the Law and Justice party, whose anti-UE policy has become a model for our brilliant Tory leaders. Thanks to them, we have demonstrated that twins are naturally immune from Europhilia due to a specific gene. We have called the gene BKG (for ‘Barclay-Kaczynski gene’) to pay tribute to these generous quadruplets who donated their DNA to science.

This crucial discovery could put an end to the long-standing controversy among the scientific community about the origins of Europhilia. Until now, most researchers have considered such pathology as a mental disorder. According to psychoanalysts, Europhilia is a kind of pre-Oedipus syndrome: in his unconsciousness, the Europath identifies the UE with a paternal figure as a substitute authority (“Europe is the phallus of the missing father,” to quote the pithy phrase of Dr Doppelganger of the University of Sessex). Some epidemiologists however favour the theory of a man-made disease: a virus was created by ex-Nazi physicians in a Brussels’ bioweapons laboratory during the Cold War. This secret experiment, led by the European Commission, was intended to weaken the British population before the 1975 referendum on UK’s continued membership in the EEC. As we recall it, Britons voted yes for Europe…

Today, these petty quarrels between specialists seem outmoded. Prof. Godwinson looks at the future: “We are now working on the development of a gene therapy to treat the disease, the first step before the creation of a vaccine. We must act quickly: the prevalence of the pandemic remains alarming, especially in some groups of the population. For instance, among 35-to-50 year-old heterosexual men voting for Lib Dems, the infection rate comes out at 99 %. A tragedy! As doctors, our duty is to alert health authorities to this grave threat to British patriotism. It is high time that the NHS set up a national plan to tackle Europhilia, along the same lines of the strategic plan for obesity.”

David Cameron was the first to react to the discovery: “Today’s announcement proves Tories right. We have been saying for years that the UK’s European policy is not a political question but a public health problem,” said the Tory leader, currently in Krakow for the opening of a British-Polish museum dedicated to German war crimes from Antiquity to Present. “The Labour governments have completely failed to take essential prophylactic measures against pathogenic agents from Brussels. The Lisbon Treaty is definitely contaminated and could damage our country far more than swine flu. But British people mustn’t lose hope: if we win the next election, the whole population, pets included, will be vaccinated from Europhilia before the end of our second term.”

As usual, Labourites seemed a bit overtaken by events and reacted in confusion. PM Gordon Brown warned that Tories would make catastrophic spending cuts in the NHS budget and promised “British vaccines for British workers.” Ex-PM Tony Blair, advised by a new Catholic spin doctor called “the Pope,” reminded us that condom use was ineffective against Europhilia and recommended abstinence as the best way to avoid the disease. Lastly, Peter Mandelson stated, “Markets punish hard any government that tries to run a country by ignoring the realities of science,” and concluded, “We are all Europhobic now”, proving definitively that New Labour had still strong convictions and a strategic view for the future.