Depression

One of the many things I've read that people with ADD/ADHD may be prone to is depression. Boy, howdy. That's certainly been true in my case.

I'm hoping that it's mostly situational, as in people who don't know they have ADD/ADHD (as I once didn't) beat themselves up a lot for not being more of a "success", or get beat up a lot for not being on time, being a "space case", etc... I'm hoping that as more information about ADD/ADHD is disseminated, and more scientific research results in useful studies, that younger generations will have access to resources that I never had until recently.

I know I have ADD and I still beat myself up over this stuff. I guess it's just a little hard for me to rationalize. I try to remember to tell myself it's all just chemicals in my brain and even though very few people in my life blamed me for my problems I can't seem to get rid of the fear that it might all be my fault. Still, I'm only sad when I have a reason (or when I'm on my period).

If my sadness is hormonal I can usually tell. I spend a lot of time introspecting so I know myself pretty well. I find taking vitamins and drinking at least one cup of coffee each day helps. If you're like me you probably already drink lots of coffee. =]

I am bi-polar in addition to suffering ADHD and PTSD. I have fallen to suicidal depths during my depressive periods but have soared to triumphant highs in my manias. Now I take tons of medication that alleviate both extremes. Still I hate my medication as it lowers my cognitive abilities and slows my mental agility. I often feel that they are worse than the depressions I had battled before starting them. I sometimes get a taste of the mania on occasion, and realize I actually miss it.

Medication can be a real double-edged sword, can't it? I've heard people who think it really helps, or that it helps with some trade-offs. I already have issues with sleep, I loved Concerta for helping me keep focused, but I hated how I often couldn't get to sleep at all... even if I took it early in the day.

The worse drug I've ever used was, without a doubt, Topamax. I was talking a high level of Topamax while attended law school. Its effect on my cognitive skills cannot be overstated. I'm amazed I ever graduated.

I have always had self esteem issues ever since I was in kindergarten. I was always puzzled by why people didn't like me. As an adult, it was and is around competence. I also had a hard time keeping social relationships together.

In many ways, I wonder why I have literally survived so long, not understanding why I couldn't get things to work. It wasn't until I was 46 that I learned that I have ADHD. I have been in therapy several times, and it wasn't until I was nearly 5150ed that somebody working with me noticed that my thoughts were disorganized and had me tested for ADHD.

I really wish that this was picked up when I was a kid. I have been able to slowly figure out what I need to do to keep my sanity, take a different approach to organizing differently, and look for things that alert me to the fact that I am in low functioning mode.

For me it sucks to have ADHD, but the harder part was not understanding myself.