Simon: ...big alien machines, big explosions, big army stuff, fast cars, and battles and thats-gonna-hurt scenes. Very very entertaining, better than the last effort by miles. And with that spirit of optimism, let's find out what Mark thinks. Mark: Well, it's horrible, vile, vulgar and hideous, but it's important to understand why.

"Now, if you're looking for a balanced and thoughtful critique, then what the fuck are you doing here? I'm just going to rail it with the same point as always until it cries. Strap in while I strap-on, viewer."

"Writing about shows I like is less funny then writing about shows I hate. So instead of discussing today's Spider-Man episode, let's take an interlude and discuss some of Kids' WB!'s final commercials."

"How wonderful is it to see the show's central arc getting its annual dusting down, and it looks to be in better shape than ever. Not by having Voyager turn up at another anomaly...but by focusing on the characters on Earth trying to find a way to get them home. Itís a fascinating new angle and one that probably should have come about two years ago when the ship finally managed to contact home, but I refuse to criticise anything that is this innovative (in a heavily nostalgic and TNG rip off sort of wayÖIím sorry I canít help myself. It's like I have some kind of disease!)."

"Much like Hogan in the mid-eighties, his promo and character were light-years ahead of everyone else. And in 1989, he had his trio of matches with Ricky Steamboat, which are lauded as the best of all time. Betcha if we reviewed 'em, they'd be shit."

"One of the things that I've been contemplating as I teach the handful of sections of courses I can get is the fact that we've really done an awfully cynical job of teaching people to read. Not necessarily a bad one — actually my students are very good at following plot and comprehending the reading. Apparently we've gotten that down. No, where we fall flat is that we've somehow created an army of cynical readers who go looking to dislike things."

"Sometimes its hard to write a positive review especially for a movie you call your favorite of the year. For one it builds up expectations for the movie which cannot sometimes be met. Some times it lures that special kind of a**hole who must proclaim it the most overrated piece of garbage to grace a screen this year... Also as a personal observation, I find its harder to explain why something is great than it is to trash it. I can give reasons why a story is terrible or the characters are flat but its harder to explain why something works."

"Okay, I stand by everything I have said, and I do advocate rational discourse over a hurricane of trolls. But I'm also an Internet critic and...well, this is part of the show, now, where I act like a guffawing dickhead."

"People hate plot holes in movies. At least, that's what they'll tell you. But sometimes, if a movie is awesome enough, people will overlook even the most retarded gaps in reason and logic. ...At least, until some asshole on the Internet points them out and makes a big list of them."

Often on television, characters waive around Starbucks-style coffee cups that are obviously empty props. Cops show up for work looking disheveled and holding a coffee cup that has a lid but doesn't seem to weigh anything or radiate heat ó there's no sleeve around the cup.

"If power stations could be run on entitled stupidity, Yelp is living proof that all of humanity would never need live in darkness again...Do you get how a numbered rating system works, Elise P.? If a place is good, you give it stars. If it's really good, you give it more stars. At no point are you supposed to boomerang back and start deducting stars because it crossed a goodness threshold. Your job is not to try to prove Einstein correct."

"Witness a movie full of excellent direction, great acting, brillant dialogue, gorgeous music, and iconic moments that will stay with you for a lifetime. Hmmm, let's see what we can nitpick here... sometimes they say Han Solo's name differently. Haha, you suck, perfect movie! [sigh] This is gonna be a tough one, isn't it?"

"All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced on them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else."

"So much for Objective Journalism. Don't bother to look for it here—not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms."

"The cynic is one who never sees a good quality in a man and never fails to see a bad one. He is the human owl, vigilant in the darkness and blind to the light, always pursuing vermin and never hunting noble game."

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