Category Archives: Church Jokes

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 Grand.

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they Both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said, “It really works!”

Seymour Schwartz was a good, deeply religious man. When he passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates. “Hungry, Seymour?” saith God. “I could eat,” replied Seymour. God opened a can of tuna fish and grabbed a loaf of rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and fine wines. Curious but deeply trusting, Seymour remained quiet. The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a meal. Again, he served tuna and rye bread. Once again, Seymour watched the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. And still Seymour said nothing. The following day, another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. “Lord, I led a pious, obedient life and I am grateful to be here in heaven with you as my reward. But all we ever eat is tuna and rye bread, while in Hell they eat like kings! Forgive me, God, I just don’t understand…” God sighed. “Let’s be honest, Seymour. For just two people, does it pay to cook?”

God needed a vacation but couldn’t decide where to go. An aide suggested Venus. “I don’t think so,” replied God, “I was there 10,000 years ago and I ended up with the worst case of sunburn ever!” “How about Jupiter?” “Nope. Too cold,” said God. “I was there 5,000 years ago and I nearly froze!” A third advisor suggested Earth. “You can’t be serious!” said God roared. “I was there 2,000 years ago and they’re still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant!”

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder. Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left”.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

Every Sunday, during the children’s sermon, all the children attending church were invited to come forward. One morning, as they sat down, the pastor remarked to one little girl, “What a pretty dress! Is it new?” The little girl replied directly into the pastor’s microphone, “Yes, and Mommy says it’s a bitch to iron!”

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith’s house. She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message. As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!”

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?! ” After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.”

A minister died and found himself in line at the Pearly Gates behind a man wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter asked the man, “State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The man replied, “I’m Joe the taxi driver, from Noo Yawk City.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” As the taxi driver entered Heaven, St. Peter turned to the minister.” State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” He stood up tall and said, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The minister was confused. “Hey, wait a minute. That guy drove a taxi and he gets silk and gold, while I spent my life ministering and I get cotton and wood? How can this be?” “Simple,” said St. Peter. “Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!”

St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, “I’ve been a pious Jew all my life, attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money for Jewish causes.” “And what is your wife’s name?” asks St. Peter. “Penny,” the man replies. “Penny?!” shouts St. Peter. “You Jews are all alike. Money, money, money. You even married a woman whose name has to do with money! Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” Then St. Peter asks the Irishman why he deserves to be in Heaven. “I’ve been a devout Catholic all my life, attended church every Sunday, given generously to the church, and always took wafers and wine at communion.” “And what’s your wife’s name?” “Brandy.” “Brandy?!! You Irish are all alike. Drink, drink, drink. You even married a woman whose name is a type of alcohol. Get out of my sight! You are damned to Hell!” With that, the Greek man turns to his wife and says, “Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of hereâ€¦”

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire ‘s Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door. They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.