Our top story tonight: time travel is impossible. Scientists at Stanford University have proven that time, in fact, does not exist. It turns out to be a built-in mechanism within the human brain that helps to make sense of our reality. It actually creates the construct for our perceivable world. Biologists in the Beckman Center for Molecular & Genetic Medicine have isolated the gene that spurs creation of this mechanism into our frontal lobe, which is responsible for the reasoning centers of our brain. Much like the heartbeat, this biological ticker moves at a metronome’s tempo, more precise than even the most highly tuned and advanced time-keeping computers to date. It is for this reason that, scientists believe, all living humanity feel that they share in a collective time, when, in fact, within each of the now over seven billion people inhabiting this planet, an individual and unique ticker keeps them in stride. These scientists also speculate that anomalies, like psychics, are able to tap into this temporal center of the brain, accelerating or decelerating it, rewinding it or replaying it like the controls of a DVR machine, to achieve a sense beyond the realms of everyday existence. So, though we can’t physically travel to a distant altogether separate point in time from the present, we can view potential outcomes via these mediums and even have intimate glimpses into our past.

More and more psychics emboldened by this newfound legitimacy, all corners of society have emerged from the wordwork seeking out their advice for what the not-too-distant future may hold. Their answers for the fields of technology, medicine and even the spiritual world of enlightenment seem like something out of a science fiction novel. Yet, for this reporter, it may be only a matter of “time” before I report these incidences as fact. Here’s some of the more shocking “pre”-news…

Our most profound report comes from Shirley Surely, a tarot card reader from Kenosha, Wisconsin. She predicts that the world’s increasing dependence and simultaneous development of the Internet will eventually give birth to an all-knowing God-creature at the precise point when the World Wide Web reaches the complexity capable of housing intelligent life. Where literally every aspect of society (and in some cases humanity) is controlled by this now omnipotent being, civilization will be at complete and utter mercy to its will. Let’s hope He or She is nice.

Other Internet pre-news includes a modern-day Dark Ages of Creation. As every seemingly perceivable concept can be published at the click of a button, in the open for all to see, everyone now lacks the discipline to cultivate original ideas, as they knowingly or unknowingly are just plagiarizing from some other sector of the Web. This constant “wired in” feeling has thus shut down the centers of the brain responsible for dreaming, drawing from the more natural truer realms of pure inspiration. In this possible future, the bright, city-cyberspace lights have drowned out our mystical stars of creativity in the distant night sky.