Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

It's nice to see the bakers here in the U.S. aren't picking sides when it comes to Super Bowl cakes. Nope, they wreck 'em all equally.

Well, one out of three ain't ba....no, actually, that IS bad.Never mind.

Ok, I have to admit it: when Anne-Marie mentioned the "terrible towels" in today's earlier post, I had no idea what she was talking about. Fortunately, a reader has informed me that these are yellow towels Steelers fans like to wave about during game days. (I suppose it's too much to hope that this is a tradition somehow inspired by Douglas Adams?)Heh, you sports fans make my wearing a Bajoran earring to a Star Trek Convention seem almost normal.

ANYway, so knowing about the towel thing helps a little when viewing this cake:

But you still have to wonder: did the baker feel even the slightest pang of irony?

Oh, and remember a few ages back when I made a crack about how next bakeries will be decorating our loaves of bread?

Hey Superbowl fans, Anne-Marie here! Did you know the Big Game is right around the corner? Yup, time to get those Terrible Towels and foam fingers out of the basement, whip up a yummy batch of deep-fried cheesy sausage poofs, and plunk down on the couch for five hours of testosterone-fueled annihilation!!

With all this testosterone-fueled frenzy, though, I think the nation's wreckerators may be, well, just too frenzied for quality control:

A little swirled poo, anyone?

"Or, hey, we don't have to use all those cupcakes! How about just four, and then put a big plastic football on top?"

"Yeah, that's the ticket!"

"Oh, or there's always recycling! Don't we have some leftover baseball cakes from last year's World Series? Let's use 'em! I'm sure no one will ever notice."

And if you're really stuck for ideas, there's always last year's cake decal. You might need to modify it a little, though:

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I realize that some of you are about to get extremely upset with me, so allow me to apologize in advance for any sudden peaks in blood pressure or massive coronaries this post causes. You see, judging by some of the e-mails/comments I've received in the past, apparently every time I publish a post without a cake in it lovers quarrel, birds fall from the sky, and another angel dies. Or something like that - I couldn't really tell through all the trollish grunting.

But, I digress.

Yes, folks, much as I hate/love to admit it, Cake Wrecks has been nominated on another awards site. And yes, I will now ask you - with what I hope is an appropriate amount of humble self-loathing - to consider voting for it. If you can see past the blinding hatred this request has incurred, that is. I mean, sure, there's no cake in this post, BUT, what if I promise to flog myself most vigorously later this afternoon? Could we call it even then?

What's that? The award thing? Oh, right.

It's the famous Bloggies, and Cake Wrecks has been nominated in three categories: Best New Blog, Best Writing, and Best Food Blog. As I said in my sidebar notice which no one has noticed: if you don't agree with my being nominated for Best Food Blog, please, don't vote for me there! All of the other nominees are fantastic blogs, and well deserving of the win.

Voting is super easy: you can vote for all your favorite blogs on one ballot, and no registration is required. All you need is an e-mail address. Plus, I'm reasonably certain that this is the last awards session for the year, so after this I'll only be able to irritate you with the occasional new shirt design or funny video. (Drat.)

Ok, sure: this first communion cake is atrocious. (Is the dove molting? And why are there more choking hazards on this - something a child is supposed to eat - than in your average Lego set?)

Still, you have to admire the wreckerator's tenacity in scrawling the inscription right over the plastic flotsam. That, my friends, is commitment! No namby-pamby dashes, squished text, or downward spirals here, no sir! This baker does not deviate, does not falter! S/he trudges onward even in the face of crippling ridicule, turning a deaf ear to nay-sayers, a blind eye to the warning signs of impending disaster, a numb hand to the piping bag, a stuffed-up nose to the smell of burning batter, and an insensate tongue to the bitter dregs of defeat!!

[sits back down]

Ok, so maybe I was reaching a little with that metaphor. I thought I was doing well until the "burning batter" bit, though. [taps teeth with pen] Huh.

Still, I think we can all learn something here. Something about perseverance, something about throwing caution to the wind, something about...oh, I dunno... picking the cake up more than 30 minutes before the party starts? [nodding] Yeah, that, too.

Note: Since I get asked a lot, many of you will no doubt be relieved to learn that Wreckporter Holly later received a full refund. You'll remember that more-than-30-minutes-beforehand thing next time, right, Holly? :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I would like to state for the record that I grew up around a bunch of rednecks, and I have nothing but affection for that Nascar-loving, deer-hunting, Coors-ball-cap-wearing crowd. That said, I'm pretty sure they should never be allowed to plan their own weddings.

Exhibit A:

I have no words.

Exhibit B:

I have words, but none that can be repeated in polite company. Egads, man, the hoof! I don't even want to know what that is inside it - just tell me it's not the cake server, please. [shudder]

Exhibit C:

"We are gathered here today to join this man, this woman, and this truck in holy matrimony..."

Exhibit D:

For a "shotgun wedding" perhaps? (Ba-dum-bump!)

And finally, Exhibit E:

Hey, look, an actual bride and groom topper - no deer heads! Oh, but there IS a deer...and the bride's toting a shotgun...and I'm suddenly in the mood for fruit roll-ups. Huh.

I'm actually a bit disappointed that I couldn't find a Nascar-themed wedding cake. Anyone have one to send me? C'mon: it'll be therapeutic!

Thanks to Chris M., Melody H., Jacy D., and both Anony M.s for their expert Wreckporting!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This was ordered by a medical center to celebrate their Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetists (CRNAs, see?). The bakery no doubt felt very clever outfitting the nurses with giant mallets in addition to the needles ("the better to knock you out with, my dear"), but when you couple those with the stalker-ific inscription:

"Every heartbeat...Every breath...Every second...We'll be watching."

...the creepiness factor pretty much goes off the hilarity scale.

Submitter Anony M. would also like me to point out the giant crack down the middle where the two cakes were cemented together, the black and yellow icing bleeding into each other, and the fact that this cost $150. That may all be true, Anony, but in my mind any cake that lets me reference old Police songs is well worth someone else's hard-earned money.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

Superheroes have it rough, too. I mean, there's the tights, the endless amount of bullets ricocheting off their rock-hard pectoral muscles, and of course all the women throwing themselves in their paths. (Obviously I'm talking about guy superheroes here, but if you'd prefer to think of Wonder Woman with rock-hard pectoral muscles, more power to ya.)

What, that doesn't sound so bad? Then allow me to introduce a new Wreck series: Caped Catastrophes. Today's first lucky victim? The Bat Man himself.

Here Bat Boy rides out of a plastic drain-pipe on a magma slick in glorious celebration of "Brian Day". Um, are those things on the side supposed to be bats, Clarissa D.?

I agree that the door in the brick wall is a little odd, Ashley W., but what I really want to know is how the Batmobile can leave a cloud of snow-white exhaust shaped like a hibiscus flower. These Bat gadgets - they just get cooler every year, don't they?

Fortunately Judith C. reports that 'man and 'mobile appear to have made up here:

"Blasted Baked Balls of Blue! I can't...quite...reach you!"

Christal W. found the best toy-to-cake ratio out there:

I'm not sure if "River" is the birthday person's name, or if - in the tradition of Wreckerators everywhere - the decorator just labeled the cake what it's supposed to look like. If that's the case, then s/he must have meant "cascading river of blood, cement, and mold". But, you know, that probably wouldn't have fit.

([sigh] Again, yes, it's "professional". I checked the site and everything. C'mon, a little credit here?)

Now remember, kids: crime doesn't pay. Right, Batman?

But you know, all these cakes are totally cheating: they each use plastic Batman figurines! Why aren't decorators actually drawing the caped crusader?

Oh. That's why. Thanks, Nicc.

[shifty eyes] Um, and can I just say that that's an unfortunately appropriate placement of the "pp"?

Aaaand I'm done.

Have a superhero Wreck you've been meaning to send me? Then send it in soon; I'll be continuing the Caped Catastrophes theme over the next few weeks.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

You know how local morning shows always have chefs or bakers on to do little demonstrations and whatnot? And how those visiting guests always bring a little treat for the hosts and crew? Well, here's what one such visiting bakery brought to the station where Wreckporter Hayley E. works:

It's like a mixed media collage of cakedom! Seriously, this cake has it all: fun-house-mirror photos, airbrushing, fondant "hair" (don't miss the guy's!), a buttercream border, and sufficient excuse to call the show hosts "fat heads" for at least a week or so. (Oh, did I mention those are the hosts?)

Of course, it could also be used as the poster-cake for the call to ban edible image printing. Really, who thought technology that allows you to eat people's photos was a good idea? It always ends up looking rather creepy.

Or, in this case, gross:

Mmmm, now there's an appetizing composition. I bet all of Karissa's relatives were SO proud. And full. As in, "no-really-I-couldn't-eat-another-bite" full.

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore" nevermore?Well, maybe if Poe had had a rock handy...

Today is the 200th anniversary of Edgar Allan Poe's birthday (thanks to Amy H. for calling my attention to it). If you don't know who that is, you probably didn't get this post, either, and should remedy the situation immediately.

And as always, thanks to Melissa of Wild Cakes, who makes "eating crow" tasty, if not exactly appetizing. ;)

Thanks to Michelle F. for submitting it. The creator is Cakeworks of Calgary.

Of course, not everything in Middle Earth is pretty, as Deanna T. shows us:

Yikes. This eerily accurate orc (try saying that 3 times fast) was made by Shoshannah84 of Deviant Art. (If you recognize the name, it's because she also made the yellow dragon in my "Fantastical Beasts" post.)

But let's end on a pretty note: check out this gorgeous MinasTirith wedding cake Tara B. found:

It was made by the bride's sister, who is not a pro baker. Crazy! Plus, the only inedible part is the actual cliff. The wedding was completely LOTR themed, and you can see a few photos of it here. (I'm bummed there aren't more; it sounds amazing.)

Thanks to all the rest of you who submitted photos! Remember, if you have a cake you'd like to nominate as a Sweet, send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Sorry, sorry - I promise I almost never do this, but I just learned something that I think will interest/concern a lot of you Wreckies out there. If you enjoy supporting local artists and makers of hand-made goods, please keep reading.

Here's the deal:

In August the Congress passed the CPSIA, a law making it tougher to sell toys and other childrens items that contain lead - so obviously that's a good thing. However, as a result of this law any crafter or stay-at-home artisan who makes items for kids under 12-- from clothing to toys to school supplies - must have their items tested to the tune of $400-$4000 per item. Since most crafters cannot afford those kinds of fees, this means tens of thousands of stay-at-home moms and small home-based businesses may be forced out of business come February 10, the official "mandatory compliance" date set by the law.

As a small business owner and indie-art-lover I was distressed to hear of this from reader Laurel, especially considering it's an easy fix: all that's needed is a simple amendment excluding micro-businesses, similar to the exemptions granted by the FDA for small producers under the food labeling laws.

So, if you want to help save Etsy sellers, stay-at-home crafters, and countless other small businesses, please visit the Handmade Toy Alliance. There you'll find a sample letter you can send to your congressman and an online petition you can sign, in addition to lots more info and links. Remember, the deadline is February 10th, so please act now if you're going to.

And that's it! We now return you to your regularly scheduled Wreckage.

UPDATE: A few of you have referenced Snopes (an urban legend/rumor fact-checker) in the comments, saying they called this law a false rumor. However, what Snopes was addressing was the resale of USED children's items and clothing, which will in fact still be legal after 2/10. (Click here to read the article.) All new items are still affected by the law.

UPDATE FROM JOHN: Um hi. The comments on this are done. It's all very interesting and I strongly suggest y'all read up on it further. And if you are desperate to make your voice heard, please send a letter to your representative, write about it on your personal blog or even e-mail your friends but I would ask that you not comment on other posts about this one. The only reason I am not taking this down is that Jen really does care about small businesses and she was trying to do a good thing by letting all of our awesome readers know about something that concerned her. That's it. Wreck On and happy Martin Luther King day!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Friday, January 16, 2009

By popular demand, here are a few more Inspiration vs Perspiration Wedding Wrecks. And shame on you all for finding them so funny.

What was ordered:What was received: (Fortunately Christine C. reports the the bride and family had a great sense of humor about this Wreck, and even dubbed it the "bamPOO" cake. Heheh.)

Ordered:And received:

Uh, since the cake itself leaves me speechless, I'm going to comment on the background. Hey Jessica M., is that Chewbacca through the window? I mean, given the Han Solo & Leia topper, I was wondering if Chewie was the ring-bearer or something.

And lastly, ordered:Aaaand received:

You have to wonder if that swipe was a result of the bride fainting at the sight of it, don't you? Still, I guess she should count her blessings: imagine if the wreckerator had been asked to write something on it!

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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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