Disrespectful and hurtful 14 year old girl

Worried - posted on 01/14/2013
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This is a bit long or not right location but I need some feedback so here goes.~I moved my 14 y/o in with us (step mom and 4 y/o daughter) 2.6 years ago, her mom was in a bad place-abusive and drug addicted relationship. ~Child had little to no contact for almost a year, the following year all communication had brought strife and sadness to her.~Mom got out of situation and is talking with child now, I even flew her out and paid for visit (gave money) for mom to see the kid. But that bit me in the behind, they commiserated about her not being happy here and how strict we are. We have rules and guidelines in the house, demand respect and passing grades in school. Such a hard existence.

Now all we get from the kid is disrespect (back talk, anger and resentment), hurtful statements and writings how we are treating her bad, she is not happy and wants to go and live with her mom now. ~Child says we are "not" allowing her to see her mom, lives out of state. Which is not the case, I cannot enable her mother any further as all in her life continue to do. ~Her mom has no job, no money, no home (is a dependent of her own mom for residence, car and money. Unable to provide the basics for a young girl.

How do I/we continue?? Her attitude is starting to take a toll on the entire household. We just want harmony in the home.

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View replies by

Moody - posted on 01/14/2013

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Talk to her and find out whats behind the anger ... if she doesn't feel like talking .. maybe she can write it in a letter to you ...

She probably feels some type of resentment or jealousy with the stepmom and daughter, so try to convey that you are all on the same team. Who knows what this poor girl witnessed while living with mom or what kinda parental structure she had. It is 2.5 years later, but you have to get to the source of the problem.

perhaps doing some family community service may show her the other side of life for some people, and make her feel alittle more grateful.

Could you get her into councelling? Or family councelling for all of you? Although she is being selfish and irrational about everything she probably is going through a lot of different feelings. I mean she lived with her mother (I assume?) and now her mom seems to be doing better and she probably doesn't understand why she can't just go back and be with her mom. Especially if she feels she can get away with more there. I don't know the whole situtation but she might also think that she can help make sure her mom is alright. Teenagers don't think realistically or about how her mom probably can't give her all the care she needs.

She might need to speak to a councellor, or go to family councelling with all of you, to be able to interntalize all these things and stop taking it out on all of you through her actions. She might be acting out to push you away so she can go back to her mom, sort of polar forces working at her.

Another thing is to not take it personally so you don't react to her attitude as much. Even though she is directing everything at all of you she's a teenager and a lot of it probably has nothing to do with YOU personally. Teenagers tend to push our buttons. The best thing you can do is to not allow her attitude to bring you down and don't allow it to push you away (which in turn will 'justify' her feelings that you treat her bad). Maintain your boundaries but try to also maintain closeness with her or go and do things with her to keep a bond going, so that her negativity doesn't take reins to your relationship (and household).

I personally would go into some family councelling so you can all figure out what to do from here and so she can realize you aren't being mean to her and she can't just go to her moms house because her mom still is unable to provide enough for her.

Let her know that you have rules because you love her. that you expect her to be a good child because you know that she is capable of it. you want her to have a GOOD life in the future with a good job and that means she has to have good manners and good behavior.

Let her know that you are not in charge of how her mother lives, her mother has the ability to get a job and pay her own bills, you have to support YOUR family, that is YOUR job, and it is her mother's job to support herself and HER family. You have helped in the past because you didn't want to see your daughter in that situation, but it is up to her now, you can not be an enabler any longer. It is not your daughter's job to understand that, she is too young to worry about things like that.