What He's Really Thinking: Sex Then vs. Now

Wondering if it's still as toe-curlingly good for your guy as it was when you first met? Aaron Traister clues you in.

When I met my wife, Karel, at a party 11 years ago, I spent the entire evening figuring out how to get her alone for a few minutes. Since then, she's gone from being my girlfriend and best friend to my wife and the mother of my children. Our physical relationship has evolved as well, but despite all the changes, I still feel like I did at that party in Brooklyn: All I really want to do is get her alone for a few minutes, only now it's between our water heater and my toolbox. Let me explain with a simple then-and-now breakdown.

Seduction

THEN: I was never good at this stuff. It always felt corny, like, "I'm giving you a necklace and putting it around your neck just like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman! The only difference is that I found this necklace on the bus, and I'm not Richard Gere." Karel never fell for it anyway. She preferred a straightforward approach. Me: "Hey, you wanna go at it?" Her: "Yup."

NOW: It's basically the same, except now we have to make sure the kids are deeply involved in a project or movie. So it sounds like this. Me: "Hey, you wanna go at it?" Her: "Are the kids watching Ice Age 2?" Me: "Totally entranced by it." Her: "Great, you've got five minutes. I'll meet you in the basement." Why there? Our kids are scared of the basement. They think it's haunted. (If my parents did what Karel and I do in the basement, I would've thought so too.)

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Foreplay

THEN: I won't get too specific, but pre-kids, Karel and I spent a lot of time warming up before the main event. That kind of leisure time doesn't really exist anymore (see: basement sex, above). The lesson here is for young couples and newlyweds: Don't take your huge swaths of free time for granted. Turn off that Top Chef marathon and live--live, dammit!

NOW: These days, welcoming Karel home after a long day at work to a freshly vacuumed floor, a pile of clean laundry, dinner ready and waiting, and an empty sink is foreplay magic. If there are fewer things on our mental to-do lists, then we're much more likely to take the time and be less distracted during the proceedings. Also, when I handle the housework, Karel's rush of gratitude has a way of turning sexual. Come to think of it, cleaning the house counts as foreplay and seduction.

Afterglow

THEN: We'd lie entwined in bed or on the floor, relax, catch our breath, get a glass of water, maybe make a Hot Pocket, and hang out naked for a couple hours talking and reading the paper.

NOW: HAHAHAHAHA! After we've stolen a few moments for sex, it's time to walk the dog, finish making dinner for the kids (after thoroughly washing our hands), get on a conference call, run to the store for whatever, or pay bills. While we're throwing our clothes back on, we'll trade smacks to the rear like ballplayers after a winning game. A pat on the butt may not sound romantic, but the shared knowledge that we jumped through hoops to be alone together for a few minutes stays with us for the rest of the day. It's the best kind of inside joke: One of us smirks at the other, and we both enjoy an instant replay.

Rejection

THEN: Karel used to fend off my advances by telling me to my face that she "wasn't in the mood" or was "too tired" or was "on the phone." I'd pout and moan and generally throw a childish temper tantrum, at which point Karel would blow up, saying that I was "acting like a whiny, spoiled little brat." That would usually shut me up.

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NOW: Karel is like a hockey goalie. She's learned what angles she needs to cover to prevent me from scoring. For instance, she leads with her elbow and shoulder in the kitchen when she knows I'm in the mood. In bed, she curls into a fetal position and rolls toward me so that nothing lines up and all I have access to is knees and forearms. I call it the anti-sex position. I would like to tell you that I've matured and no longer pout in these moments, but I haven't. I will say, though, that since she adopted this totally nonverbal method, we've had far fewer bedtime spats. Generally, I just roll over and sigh loudly. Karel is the Gandhi of sexual rejection.

Adventurous sex

THEN: When we first started dating, Karel and I were wild enough to occasionally, er, take advantage of empty subway cars late at night. It sounds crazy now, but I'm pretty sure that everyone under the age of 30 in New York City messes around on the subway at some point (don't they?). Frankly, it's one of the few experiences on the MTA that I'll treasure forever.

NOW: I'm terrified of MRSA, so you couldn't pay me to get busy on a New York City subway train. The thrill isn't entirely gone, however. Having children is like coming full circle, sexually: Instead of hiding from your parents, you're hiding from your kids and ending up in weird places, like behind the old tree on Main Street after "date night." Hey, nothing spells romance like bark burns! We use an old tree out of necessity, not some public sex fetish, but sneaking around keeps it fresh and exciting. You can actually say things like, "Hey, if we get caught it'll mentally scar the children, and we don't have the money right now for a good therapist!" "Then you better hurry up! This is so exciting!" Or, "Oh, no! I think I see Noah's teacher from behind this tree! Put your bra back on!"

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