Trying to catch just one good egg

Sunday, 07 August 2005

Why are there so many songs about rainbows

So lately I've been pondering connections. Mostly that pesky genetic one but then I heard a little voice in my head. There was a slight croak in it. You might say it was even a green froggy sounding voice. I often get songs stuck in my head and the Rainbow Connection is the song du jour.

I wish I could just trade the genetic connection for the rainbow one and be done with it. But life isn't that easy.

I wrote recently about wanting to be able to move to donor eggs if the wait for embryos becomes overbearing. I just don't know that I have it in me. Why is it so hard?

I spend hours pouring over online profiles and trying to pick a donor. I've found a couple of donors that I like a lot. I'm even considering making an appointment at an agency near me that a friend used and really liked. I'm getting excited about the possibility of going to South Africa where several friends have gone. I'm making lists and checking them twice.

But I'm still not 'there' yet. I hate myself for it. I feel ugly, mean thoughts and I really don't like that. There's this mean, petty voice that tells me it's just not fair. That is angry at my husband for his part in all of this. Why should I have to completely forgo the genetic connection? Why should my parents never have genetic grandchildren? Why should my husband get all of that? Why should his evil mother get even more genetic grandchildren? She's already got 4 more than she deserves. I met my husband 10 years ago this month. I spent my entire 30s with him--my likely much more fertile early 30s included. He wasn't ready or willing to commit for a long time. 7 years.

Now, when I'm being totally honest I can acknowledge my part in all of this. I chose to stay with him. I chose to take a fun job that required a lot of traveling and focus on my career. I chose not to push him at all on the commitment thing. I chose to put off trying to have a baby until we were both ready-separately and together. I could have left him and started over. I know part of the blame/responsibility/whatever you want to call it lies squarely on my shoulders.

It would be easier in some respects to make this jump if we'd been older when we met. I wouldn't be able to be angry at him for taking something away from me. Something that seems to be more important to me than it is to him.

I think it would be easier to be angry at my husband if he was pushing for donor eggs or the genetic link was more important to him. But he isn't and it really isn't important to him. He just wants for us to be parents as soon as possible. He isn't even the one suggesting our new plan at all right now. It's just me trying to find some resolution more quickly.

My husband is one of the most open, generous, non-judgmental, kind-hearted people I've ever known. And that's not just me being nice. He really, really is. I have no idea how he got that way. Genetic anomaly? He's so different from the rest of his family in that way.

I want to be truly open to all the possibilities that could help us be parents. Maybe that's asking too much of myself. I'm not sure. Maybe this is just something I can't do and I should accept it. Maybe it really is just too much.

I know the playing field changed entirely, irrevocably for my husband when I was laying in the operating room and he thought he might lose me. That was the hardest day of his life and the scariest. I know he would gladly trade places and use donor sperm and my eggs if that were possible. I know he would do anything in the world to make me happy. To make our dreams come true. Absolutely anything without hesitation.

Why can't I be the same way? What else can I do to 'get there'? What can I have him do? I just don't know what else to try.

The suggestion box is open.

(If you aren't up on your muppet lyrics (or Sarah McLachlan) here are the words:

Why are there so many songs about rainbowsand what's on the other side?Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,and rainbows have nothing to hide.So we've been told and some choose to believe it.I know they're wrong, wait and see.Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heardand answered when wished on the morning star?Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.Look what it's done so far.What's so amazing that keeps us star gazingand what do we think we might see?Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?I've heard them calling my name.Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.The voice might be one and the same.I've heard it too many times to ignore it.It's something that I'm supposed to be.Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.The lovers, the dreamers and me.)

Comments

I'm beginning to think that you and I are actually the same person. I initially felt that we would use donor embryos because it was genetically more fair. It was like the ultimate adoption.

Yet, I realized that behind my question of fairness lay some resentment that if I used donor eggs, my genetic material would not be passed on, but Mason's would. I hated that inequity.

Over time, though, I made a gruding peace with the fact that two unknowns were not comfortable for me. At least if I know that our child has Mason's traits like intellect and I pick a good donor, one of the unknowns gets resolved and the other factor is better controlled than would be with donor embryos.

Yeah it is still not fair to me, but who ever said life would be fair? And truthfully Mason just wants to have a kid with me...period. If it fell from the sky, he would be cool with that. He certainly is not pushing to continue his genetic lineage.

But where I've come to is to ultimately accept that it is easier to use donor eggs than to wait for the right embryos. But it is a process to get past the unfairness of it all. Hopefully once I have a baby, the whole fairness issue will be moot. KWIM?

Millie, I've been wrestling with the same questions and resentments. I met my husband when I was 35 and we got married when I was 37 and started trying. He didn't dally making a committment, but yet, I can't help but still 'blame' him...if only he asked the second week we were dating, I might have had a good egg left. I know it's not rational, but this isn't easy. I definitely want to do donor egg vs. embryo because like Liana said, I want to have one known quantity and my husband is not the problem after all the tests were said and done. I'm caught in this inbetween place where I am petrified that the donor eggs won't work and I'll be at the end of my road with nothing...and that I'll get a baby and then resent my husband because it's only his genetic material. We talk over and over the same things you do. It's been very helpful for me to hear from women who have done donor egg and hearing the stories of how happy they are and how these resentments really do abate once you have your baby. Thinking of you.

I can't help you with the donor. I got the speech a couple of times because of my high fsh, but just wasn't there yet. But I absolutely hear you on not pushing the commitment thing - that's hard though. If we knew then...

Please don't hate yourself for feeling what you feel -- my sense in lurking around the boards is that it's a really common sentiment. And the fact is that you're talking about it and trying to figure it out; you're not keeping it bottled up inside.

I don't feel the resentment towards R, but that's largely because he longs for a genetic tie to his parents, who he lost when he was very young; I can understand his desire to catch a glimpse of his mother in his child's face or laugh. But if his loss weren't an issue, I'd be struggling with this a lot more, I think. Basically it's fucked up no matter what -- so much grief.

Ok, will stop babbling now but am thinking of you Millie, as you figure all of this out. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with all of us.

I think it's hard to get past the genetic connection. I'm early in the process though are cycle is scheduled for November. Somedays I'm excited about the possibility of actually having a child, somedays I'm resentful that if we are successful my husband will have a genetic connection to 5 or 6 children(he already has 4) and I will have a genetic connection to 0, some days I'm just grateful that even this option os a possibility to us,some days I'm convinced even DE will fail...because I've had 2 miscarriages and maybe even a DE baby will not want to hang out in my uterus...

It truly sucks, in ways that you can't understand unless you've gone through it..

Hang in there...

You can't get there until you get there. IF DE is right for you, you will know it.

It's a cruel world. I don't think the irony is lost on anyone that you were once a donor yourself...and that probably maes it even MORE unfair.

It's very interesting that you post the lyrics to that song! I actually posted those exact lyrics on a TTC message board some months ago.

I felt they echoed how many TTC women might feel. That, and I truly love that song. Sarah McLachlan is one of my favourite artists. I have that song on my iPod. ;)

I can understand what you are saying. My experience is slightly different though, being that I am 27 years old and had ovarian cancer when I was 18. I had surgery and chemotherapy, and let me tell you, my remaining left ovary was never happy again after being through all that! So, I have always kept in the back of my mind for the last nine years that I may need "heroic" efforts to conceive, and I was right. This all happened YEARS before I met my husband at age 24, but I have to say, it doesn't always make the experience hurt any less. I think I was just more "prepared" than some women, who assume they are fertile until their doctor shows them otherwise.

I am of the belief that women will feel it is their biological child no matter what, if they go through the pregnancy and delivery, what could be more real than that? I can understand your struggles, I think I just arrived at my place via some "shortcuts" or something. ;)