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California Attorney General Bill Lockyer told Arnold
Schwarzenegger Thursday that the groping allegations won't go
away. The governor-elect has restored the faith of a whole lot of
skeptics. Comedians now believe there is Life after Clinton.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is preparing to take office in
Sacramento next week. He has admitted to smoking pot, engaging in
casual sex and driving a gas guzzler. No one ever thought there
would be a Republican that Californians could call their own.

Martha Stewart discussed her upcoming trial for insider
trading with Barbara Walters. Her arrest came on the heels of
Enron, Tyco and WorldCom indictments. There are now more arrests
reported in the business section than in the sports pages.

The Wisconsin legislature passed a bill Thursday defining
marriage as a contract between a man and a woman. It was wildly
applauded by conservatives. In response, Hollywood held a casting
call for a new miniseries called The Liberaces.

The Matrix Revolutions with Keanu Reeves debuted Wednesday
in movie theaters across the nation. In the movie, the hero must
enter a warped world where common sense and natural law do not
apply. It's a remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

The White House announced Friday that gasoline prices at the
pump fell for the sixth consecutive week across the nation. There
remain pockets of gouging. Motorists in Beverly Hills are still
paying two dollars a gallon for Self-Centered.

Bill Clinton told diamond manufacturers in Belgium that
warlords are trading diamonds to further their bloody aims in
Congo. It works both ways. Diamonds can be purchased either to
finance wars in Africa or to end them at Kobe Bryant's house.

Afghanistan's Supreme Court condemned a young woman for
competing in a beauty pageant as Miss Afghanistan. She's not
afraid to defy her country and her culture. We're living in a time
when women are willing to risk it all to be Mrs. Donald Trump.

President Bush signed a bill into law Wednesday outlawing
late-term abortions in America. The applause at the ceremony was
deafening. He's now such a hero to conservatives that James Brolin
and Judy Davis have just agreed to play The Bushes.

Congress blasted the CIA Wednesday for not hiring enough
minorities. We must remember what really matters. America is
forsaking its promise unless we have people of all races working
together to miss every sign of the next terrorist attack.

Howard Dean got the prized endorsement on Wednesday of the
Service Employees International Union. It's amazing how it pays
off every time you play hard to get. The moment he started
flirting with the Confederacy, he got full Union support.