Top 10 Reasons Your Children Aren’t Speaking Your Language

Wondering why your children are not speaking your language? It is hard to say why one child will gladly speak a second (and third and fourth) language while another will resist it. Below are the top 10 most likely reasons why they are not. Do some of these resonate with your multilingual family’s situation?

Let the countdown begin…

10. Patience: Give it some time! You and your child both have to get used to this. Even if you are a native speaker of your child’s minority language, it can take a while to figure things out. And once you are completely on board, take the journey one step at a time. Don’t rush your child, it will only make things worse. Remember, you are raising a multilingual child, not trying to win a race!

9. Comfort: Do you or your child feel uncomfortable speaking the language? Make sure you don’t embarrass your child by asking her to speak the language out loud in front of others or to use the language in uncomfortable situations. Start in the comfort of your own home and go from there. Sometimes it is the parent who is uncomfortable using a minority language with his/her children, even if it is a native language. If this applies to you or your child, then talk about it as a family. Work out the areas which cause the most embarrassment or why it might feel uncomfortable.

8. Age: Our children go through phases in their lives. Their relationship with their minority language will be experienced along these same patterns. If your child is going through a phase where he wants desperately to fit in at school, then rejecting a minority language may be part of this process. Be gentle with your child and address language issues just as you would other changes in your child’s behavior. Try your best to find out how your child is feeling overall. If appropriate, talk with your child about how speaking the minority language feels to your child. Work on finding a compromise so that both you and your child can feel good about speaking your language.

7. Resources: Does your child have a good source of language resources? I’m not talking about language-learning text books (unless your child gets a kick out of them)! I’m talking about making sure your child has interesting books in only the minority language. A good supply of DVDs, video and computer games, board games, etc. all in the minority language can come in very handy as well. Without resources to keep their language stimulated, our multilingual children can easily get bored with what is available and will be more inclined to turn toward community language resources (which are so very plentiful!). Find out what interests your child the most and see if family can send over some specific materials – or perhaps you can order some online?

6. Not setting an example: What kind of example are you for your child? Are you using your language as much as possible or are you speaking the community language most of the time with your children (and not even realizing it!)? I can’t tell you the number of parents I talk with who insist that they speak their language with their children ALL the time. But when I visit these same parents, they spend the majority of the time speaking with their children in the community language without even realizing it! Believe me, it is very, very easy to fall into this pattern! You can solve this by (1) being very aware of when you are and are not speaking your language with your children and then (2) switching to your language each time you catch yourself speaking the community language. (3) Ask yourself why you tend to speak the community language with your children as much as you are. If you can find the sources for that question, then you are already one step further along the path toward solving it!

5. Teaching not Living: Raising a child in a minority language is about living the language, not teaching it as if it were another subject in school! You need to live the language and impart that love of the language to your children through your way of life, not via language-learning text books. This means speaking it as much as possible: while cooking, driving the car, picking up books at the library, going shopping. Make it part of every element of your every-day life. Make the language magical! Make it sparkle for your children by singing songs and doing dances from your culture, telling fairy tales you grew up with, and sharing stories about your childhood in your home country. Even if it isn’t your native language, you can find unique cultural and linguistic elements to bring into your lives. When your children are older, then you can pull out the grammar books. For now, make the language a part of your everyday life.

4. Enjoyment: Is using a minority language fun for your children or difficult and boring? Are you and your children enjoying using the minority language or has it become drudgery? Make sure you are finding ways to make using the language a joy: play games in the language, chat about fascinating to pics, visit friends and places where the language is spoken. Don’t let yourself get to the point of drilling the language into your children’s heads. That is the best way to make your children hate the language. Many parents in my seminars have told me how their children started using their language after they received a game that was only in the minority language. Not only did the game help encourage language use, it also brought the family together!

3. Consistency (not rigidity): Does your child know who speaks which language and when? Are you going back and forth, speaking different languages randomly? It isn’t the end of the world if you don’t have a perfectly consistent language pattern (and switching languages back and forth isn’t a crime) but a clear plan will make your language journey so much easier. Ultimately, your young child wants to please you and she can do this best if it is clear what is expected of her. If your child is confused or frustrated by not knowing what is expected, then it is very likely that she will simply stop speaking the language. But watch out! Don’t let your consistency plan turn into a rigidity plan! You need to make sure that your plan is serving you, not trapping you! You are allowed to change your plan whenever needed but if you do, make sure to meet as a family to decide on what the new plan will be. Then give the new plan some time to be fully implemented and assessed.

2. Need: Why should your child use his minority language? If your child can get everything he needs via the community language, then there is really no NEED to use the minority language. A need can come in the form of many different things: to play a game, to speak with others who only speak the minority language (family, travel to another country), to understand a book or DVD in the minority language, to get something that he wants. Some parents go as far as to refuse to answer their child unless the question is in the minority language. I never did this with my kids but for some families it works well. This is where you will have to be creative based on what resources you have available (Can you hire a nanny who only speaks the language? Can you travel to a country where the language is spoken?). Need can come in the form of that which is most familiar: a child often will speak the minority language with parents simply out of habit (it would feel too strange if they didn’t)! Remember that each child is different so a need for one child may be very different for another. Get creative!

1. Not Enough Exposure: Are your children exposed to their minority language regularly all week long? Would you say they are exposed to it around 30 percent of the time (on average)? 30 percent is not the magical number. It will not guarantee multilingualism in your child! There are too many factors that work together to count! However, we can use 30 percent as a general number to aim toward. 50 percent? 80 percent? Wonderful! The chances are so much better for bi/multilingualism with exposure like that!

NOTE: The idea of a minimum of 30 percent language exposure in the minority language came from a group of researchers who were doing studies on bilingual children. When deciding on what the minimum minority language exposure would be for the children in their study (in order to say that a child was living in a bilingual environment) the researchers decided on 30 percent. Does this mean that less than 30 percent is not enough? No way! But be aware that you might not see as much regular progress in you child’s language mastery as you would hope to see.

When it comes to the amount of language exposure, use your common sense with this. If the spouse who speaks your child’s minority language is working 40 hours a week, then it is going to be much more difficult for your children to receive enough exposure than if the native-speaking spouse is with the children all day. You may need to find additional ways that your child can receive language exposure to reach an average of 30 percent: a nanny, friends, family.

And remember, if your child receives less than 30 percent exposure, that is no reason to give up! Sometimes less exposure can have more of an impact than we know! Just allow yourself to adjust your expectations to match your family’s language journey and see where you can add more language exposure along the way. The gift of language is priceless, no matter how much language exposure your child receives!

These are just a few of the main obstacles to your child wanting to speak the minority language. There are so many more! Please share your ideas and tips on getting your children to speak their minority language! You are a wealth of valuable information, I can’t wait to hear!

Corey Heller is the founder of Multilingual Living and the Editor-In-Chief/Publisher of Multilingual Living Magazine. Multilingual Living is the place where she shares her knowledge about raising multilingual and multicultural children. Corey, an American, and her German husband live in Seattle where they raise and homeschool their three children, ages 15, 14 and 12, in German and English.

This website is provided for informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a replacement or substitute for any professional financial, medical, legal, or other advice. By using this website, you signify your agreement to all terms, conditions and notices contained or referenced in our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. If you do not agree with these terms and conditions, please do not use this website.

We live in Italy and so far I haven’t had any problems with my 3 1/2 year old daughter not speaking English with me. Since starting preshool in September sometimes she’ll do direct quotes in Italian, for example, my teacher said…and then repeat what the teacher said in Italian, but that’s it. This article was interesting for me though because it reminded me that kids go through stages and who knows what will happen when she starts school, or starts having friends over to play, or when she’s a teenager…

Colleen – fabulous that things are still moving along as smoothly! As you said, it is always good to be prepared just in case things take a sudden (or gradual) turn. Sounds like you are enjoying your family’s multilingual ride which is what it is really all about! Lovely!

Language School Owner – GREAT question about the 30 percent. This percentage originally appeared as a misquote of Prof. Fred Genesee in this New York Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/27/style/27iht-alang.2.5478361.html. We contacted him right away asking him about this and we then included an interview with him in Multilingual Living Magazine where he explained the mixup to us and our readers. I can’t remember offhand in which issue of Multilingual Living Magazine that interview appeared (www.biculturalfamily.org/backissues.html). In any case… what Genesee was saying to the New York Times interviewer was that when he and his team chose participants for their various bilingualism studies, they decided upon the the minimum language exposure amount of 30 percent. It was simply a decision they had to make for who to include in their studies so that the research results would be accurately assessing bilinguals. He didn’t actually say that 30 percent was a minimum target that families should be aiming toward. However, despite the fact that Genesee was not recommending that 30 percent was some magic number, as far as I’m concerned, it held a lot of weight that his team chose that threshold! After our interview with him in Multilingual Living Magazine, I started asking questions of other researchers I know as well as many families. The 30 percent held true again and again, especially with the trilingual families I spoke with. So, until researchers come up with another number, 30 percent appears to be an excellent minimum language exposure target. Of course, I’d recommend a target of 98.7 percent but that’s just me. 😉

Multilingual Mania – I LOVE your site and am honored that you’d like to feature the article in your recommended reading list post! I just subscribed to your feed today and spent waaaaay too much time reading many of your wonderful articles! What a fabulous resource! Check it out everyone: http://multilingualmania.com/ !

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present Alice Lapuerta! 😀 If you know Multilingual Living Magazine, then you know all about Alice. She is one rockin’ trilingual mama (number of kids and languages) and a fabulous editor! So glad to see you here, Alice!

I remember going through a phase when I was around 14 when I couldn’t speak English as fluently as I wished, although all my other language skills were up to par. That was the time I spent a lot of time with my friends, all of whom were Tagalog speaking (not as fluent as I was, but they still spoke English.) It is true that my fluency waxes and wanes, depending on which language I speak more often. I find it difficult to switch back to German after a spell abroad, or even after a full day of English lessons, and I need a few hours to get my tongue used to English when I spend all day with German speakers. I understand this frustration very well.

Yes, it is amazing how the human tongue does get used to creating certain sounds and thus forming in specific ways to do so. I have always found it so fascinating how much of what we do is so totally unconscious.

And I need to get to YOUR Spanish Workshop page more, Marcela! Goodness knows I need it. I’m having a S.L.O.W. week in the world of Spanish language learning. I feel like I’m dabbling here and there, picking up different things but not very productive and consistent. Ok, that’s it. Time for consistency (isn’t that one of the language learning rules – LOL)! Thank you for the comment (and the encouragement)!

I’ve started to notice that my four-year-old is starting to speak more German than English, and I’ve made it a point to repeat anything she says to me in German back to her in English. Tonight she combined German and English in the same sentence (a very Swiss thing to do, and we are in Switzerland), so I joked to her, “What kind of sentence is that?!” She laughed, repeated it but also then said it just in English. It was a nice reminder not to take things so seriously (which is what I need, because my almost-two-year-old son is a definite Swiss German speaker).

Hi Corey,
After months of eager anticipation, wondering which language my daughter would choose for her first words (Italian? Spanish? French?), I was shocked when my 16 month-old said “cat”. Not “gatto”, not “gato”, not “chat”- CAT! Thus far her only words were non-committal: her father is “papa”, I’m “baba”, and “eggleweggle” (Igglepiggle, the main character in a BBC children’s programme”) is a proper name. But cat?? Why cat?? Panic set in: what am I doing wrong? When she was born we changed our home language to English, with my husband using OPOL Spanish while I use mostly Italian except for French at bedtime and most of the books I read to her are in French (we live in the UK). Surely two afternoons a week of childcare in English cannot possibly be more influential than the language exposure she gets from me (I’m now a stay-at-home mum)?? Then I read your article and started noticing that whenever we’re out and about I actually speak to her in English! Oh dear… But why is that? And why didn’t I notice it before? There’s the fear of being seen as different or “flaunting” my language skills, the fear of other people thinking I’m being rude, and the fact that switching back and forth all the time is a bit of a pain, especially when I’m talking to someone- say, at the checkout, paying for groceries while telling my daughter not to jump out of the trolley. We live in a very monolingual part of the UK and we are our daughter’s only exposure to her heritage languages (bar trips to visit family back in Italy, Spain and France). Anyone else finding the same problem? Any advice? Still, thank you so much for the thought-provoking article. We’ve now gone back to the drawing board and decided to stop speaking English between us and stick to Spanish and Italian when we’re home, as for my tendency to speak English “outdoors” I’m trying to be more conscious of what language I’m using and hopefully switching between English and Italian will soon stop feeling so “clunky”! As for the “cat issue” she now says both “cat” and “gat”, so I guess that’s progress 🙂

One thing not mentioned is the politics of maintaining certain languages. As English is our “home language” in Germany, our efforts at home are welcomed. English is compulsory now in German schools, taught even in pre-school, and well regarded (mostly) when we are out in public. We get comments all the time affirming English as a valuable language. I talk with my Vietnamese friends – they get so such comments when their language is overheard on the tram – quite the opposite!

Great advice. Embarrassing kids by putting them on the spot and making them speak in front of others is horrible but so many parents do it. I was lambasted by my parents’ friends because of my Russian skills while the kids of those who criticized me grew up to speak Russian much worse than I did:)

What a great article! Thank you. I found the most challenging time was when my son entered the kindergarten and was in a total English-speaking environment. To help him be back on track I started a bed time story with every family members participation. It was fun so he joined happily. What I did with my daughter was I brought the Mandarin Chinese program into her classroom when she started a part-time preschool. It worked well and she enjoyed seeing her friends learning the language Mommy speaks. Last year, I expanded the program to her elementary school. All four kindergarten classes participated in the program and that really made very positive impact on both of my children. My son (8) is using my native language again and my daughter (6) is now interested in learning Japanese because of the World Language Program at school. I have to say the “Happy” factor is important on this bilingual/multilingual journey.

I agree with having patience the most! My sons were both late talkers due to the two languages. I had more than one family member voice concern and ask me to stop speaking in English with my children (I live in Brazil). I refused and told them to let my boys come into it in their own time. My 5 yr old is completely fluent in both Portuguese and English now. My soon to be 3 yr old is also well on his own way to being bilingual.

My cousin grew up in Germany with Polish parents. She refused to speak Polish, but learned a lot of it by listening to her mum and dad. When she grew up and saw the point of practicing Polish, she just “switched on” and started speaking! Everybody was amazed, as they’d pretty much given up on convincing her to do that.
So my point is – the language you speak around your children never goes away completely. It may just be waiting for the right time.

Polish in Germany is an interesting example. There is still a resentment (manifested in jokes) about Poles trying their luck with work and life further West. Germany (although it actively promotes learning additional languages with the Drei-Formel) have a particular preoccupation with learning English. Other languages from further East are considered second rate and not respected. The daughter’s decision to resist speaking Polish responds to that linguistic power struggle. That she now speaks Polish indicates that she has come to terms with her linguistic identity despite ongoing prejudices…

I appreciate your ten tips to encourage bilingualism. I just wanted to add, that I struggle with such lists because essentially, parents come away thinking they need to do 1. or 6. better – that may be so, but the implication is then that the parent is responsible for whether a language is passed on or not. I would argue that parents are also acted upon, suffer societial and structural pressures, or are marginalised to the extent that they don’t get such great information about the value of the mother tongue. I work in bilingualism in Germany, and see the pressures that parents face from minority language backgrounds. Although official documents like the National Criteria Catalogue and local curriculum documents push the need for home languages to continue to develop in tandem, many believe in a deficit theory of language implicitly, while explicitly throwing occassional crumbs of affirmation without real support for the home language their way. I am sure you would agree that mother-tongue communities around the families are also important, but at least here in Germany, there is a long way to go.

Very interesting, but most of these things I have been doing intuitively. I still have trouble figuring out why my eldest daughter speeks fluent portuguese to me, while her brother insists in answering in french. I never spoke a word to them that was not in portuguese, despite the critics of my in-laws, who think it’s rude of me to speak a language they don’t understand when they are here. My son understands portuguese perfectly, and he is able to speak a few awkward words when he has no choice. I think he doesn’t LIKE the language because he doesn’t like my mother.

I’d be interested in an article about the opposite situation… as in we speak a minority language at home and the child goes to school using the majority language, but is still somewhat reluctant (or just plain doesn’t want to) to use the majority language. Any thoughts on that??

My two children grew up in the same linguistic bilingual environment. In addition I am polyglot: French, German, English, Hebrew, Spanish. Only one of the my children showed ease and interest in other languages. The other was resistant and justified his attitude with the statement that English is universal. After traveling a little, the second noticed that his lack of overture to languages was an impediment in understanding other cultures. But he hasn’t made the leap to engage in language studies, relying still on his conviction that English is enough to get around…
There seem to be innate tendencies toward interest in language learning.
I am a descendant of three generations of polyglots and have acquired three languages (English among them) as an adult. One of my brothers has tremendous difficulty acquiring any further languages besides the two that were part of our upbringing.

I really enjoyed your article. I had to write about “Language and Identity” for a school work, so I used yours as reference. I am a Korean immigrant in the U.S. and my two kids are the second generation. I had difficulty in my kids’ maintaining Korean because they are empowered by the dominant English. I would like to share my opinion about a second language education, even though it is very similar to yours.
Immigrant parents’ inconsistency and compromise with mainstream culture lead their children lose the opportunity to be bilingual. Immigrant parents inclines to value dominant language culture and over Korean and its culture. Although most immigrant parents agree to maintain their native langue at home for the purpose of having an immigrant identity, communication tool and economic benefits, they also want their children to get into mainstream culture. Therefore, immigrant parents might bend a rule to favor English education over their native language education. What is impeding a second language education is not parent’s capability of speaking in English but parent’s inconsistency and tendency of belittling on a second language.
Moreover, the absence of compelling needs of children or social support obstruct success on the second language education. Children don’t feel any need why they have to use their minority language and society doesn’t emphasize a second language. My children claim they were born in the U.S. not in Korea so they are American, complaining about why they need to learn Korean, which hardly use outside. In addition, parents feel the loss of social support. Andrey Barsukov in “Discrimination” also criticizes, “Compared to other countries, America does not place a big emphasis on learning foreign languages in its school system. Because English is the most diverse language in the world, kids are not taught to value and appreciate other languages.” If school and society encourage the second language, children might be more inspired to be bilinguals.
Having siblings makes this situation worse. Siblings are used to speaking community language each other; furthermore, parents can’t monitor them all the time. When my children were asked to use Korean each other, they refuted my order, complaining that they felt awkward as if they spoke to a totally different person. In another words, having siblings can reduce the opportunity to practice a native language. Then, how can we solve this problem at home?
Immersion to a native culture and language as much as possible is a key to succeed in maintaining a native language. Introducing TV dramas, movies, songs and games in the native language which children might enjoy is an efficient way to inspire them. Visiting cultural events in your community also helps them plunge in the native language and culture. Sending a weekend native language school is a good way for parents to share their burden with outside authority. Children might share their hardship on learning a minority language and kindred feelings there. The best, but more expensive way is sending them on summer vacations to a native country, where they cannot help speaking to survive.
In addition, there are more practical immersion solutions. Heller in “Bilingual Children with One Hour of Language a Day” suggests that one hour a day input will bring about flourishing language with compound interests. Giving a ride for kids would be a perfect timing to supply potent language input. Another realistic solution is to permit the combination of the dominant language (English) and a second language (Korean etc.). The most important thing is that sentence structures should follow the second language rule, while vocabulary can be either English or a second language because acquiring the sentence structure or grammar takes longer time than memorizing vocabulary. Further, parents should restate what children said in their native language. Take advantage of yourself as a social capital and make children immerse step by step in the native language and culture as much as possible.

Hello,
Im just trying to see if my daughter is getting enough exposure.(30 %)
I live in a english speaking country,My native language is spanish, my husband’s native language is serbian/croatian.
I work 3 days a week , my mother in law (who speaks only serboan/croatian) babysits my daughter. we do the “one parent one language technique”. I am still concern that I will have problems comunicating with my daughet in spanish since I am the only one teaching her and my husband has all his family here . should I be concern ? any advise?

Hello Corey.
I was so happy to find your page on FB. Its helps, I am not alone.
We are in Belgium. In our family mix family, I talk with our kids -romanian, my husband- french, and between us english.
But…..our big boy has difficulties to speek in any of those 2 languages, he is nearly 6 but not fluent nor rom, nor french, sometimes I want to give up to speek my native language. He understands all, but often he responds in french, i do not insist, trying to do like you wrote above. What you think, how I can help him better? Should I change to french? But i do not see myself to speak to my child in a language that is not my mother tongue, Today was the last drop, when the teacher told me, maybe to switch, so he can progress in one language? I am lost……pls need an advise. Thank you very much. Adry

Thank you, everyone, for your comments! I wish I had the time to respond to each of you individually. Please know that any effort you are making to help your children become bi-multilingual is fantastic! Stick to it and know that even if your children don’t appreciate it now, they will at some point in their lives. Just stay positive, confident, cheerful and as loving as possible when it comes to your language(s)/multilingualism. Your children won’t be able to resist your lovely language melange and will want to be a part of it! 🙂

Hi Corey, I am enjoying your articles. I am a mum of a toddler and would love her to have a good relationship with my native culture and language. One of the main reason is that most of my fam do not speak English. I am hoping we will work this out. Thanks for mentioning about making plans as family when to use the language and when not so we are all comfortable and not embarrassed. I wanted to ask you if it was possible for me to translate your article in my language and post it on the web for the czech parents to share with. I will leave your name under the article as you are the author. But only with your permission!