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"They're church people, you know.
I thought of the shame and the
disgrace. I thought of how I
never would be able to face any
one again.
"And suddenly something
snapped inside of me, and I pluck
ed the baby from my breast and
I threw it with all my might. I
saw the little body go crashing
through the window. I heard, or
thought I heard, a thud and
I did not care.
"I just lay here on the bed, and
stared, and the something inside
of me that had snapped left me
dull and almost as if I was dead.
I could hear people moving in the
house, but it seemed as if the
sounds came from very far away,
as if they had "othing to do with
me. I heard a peddler crying in
the street, and it was as if he was
in another world
"And then I heard excited
cries in the street, and the police
came and questioned me, and I
told them I had killed the baby
and asked them when they would
hang me.
"The next day they held the
inquest, and I was sure they
would hang me. It was the only
hope I had left in life that they
would hang me.
) "I felt I felt as if that would
make everything all right. It
would take me away from the
shame and the disgrace and all
the horror of life, and it would
pay for the life' I took.
"I don't know if you under
stand how I felt. I wanted to be
hanged more than anything in
he whole wide world, I might
have killed myself, but I did not
think I had the courage. And
so I prayed they would hang
me.
"And they did not. The fore
man of the jufy came in, and said
that 'in view of all the circum
stances' and they turned me
loose.
"I knew what hell was then.
I was in it. I still am in it. I
always will be in it. There is no
escape. No hope of escape.
"I must go through all my
life in shame and dishonor and
horror. My relatives will be here
perhaps today, and they will
look at me with contempt. My
parents will come and despise
me. They will go back and say,
'How could a child of ours do
such a thing?'
"And all my life it will be the
same, never able to look anyone
in the face, hiding the story of
my life, remembering the crash
of the glass and the-thud from the
street as that little body, flesh
of my flesh, bone of my bone,
hurtled through the window and
down to death.
"Always I shall have that
memory. I can feel that there is
no escape, that there cannot be
any escape.
"If I had the courage, perhops
I would kill myself. But the
thought of killing myself turns
me weak and sick. I could not
use a gun. I do not know any
thing about poisons. How could
I kill myself? I might make a
mistake and fail.
"And so there will be no es
cape "