Republicans in Congress pursue defunding Planned Parenthood with the dogged determination of a high school senior trying to lose his virginity on prom night. And now with a President who has an abortion doctor on retainer, they are closer than ever to achieving this goal.

Pictured: a "doctor" you DEFINITELY do not want touching you

Unfortunately, Trump is not planning on sharing his guy so this will impact the reproductive health of a lot of Americans. PP provided 10.7 million services for 2.7 million Americans in 2013 alone(1). "THAT'S 10,700,000 MILLION DEAD BABIES!" screams Paul Ryan incorrectly from his cage in Trump Tower. Those services range from STI screening, cancer screening, contraception, and abortions. All of those services are legal medical procedures.

In many places around the country, Planned Parenthood is the only place where reproductive health services are available. By defunding the organization, the government will prevent millions of people from receiving the health care they need. So, how can you help? I have a proposal for you:

Every time you masturbate, donate $1 to Planned Parenthood.

It's so simple. You're going to do it anyway, might as well do a good deed at the same time. If Congress has its way, getting access to birth control is going to get a lot more difficult so jerking off more might be the best way to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

"I have so much sex I never need to masturbate," alright then stud donate every time you bang instead.