It’s Really Not a Conversation I Was Dying to Have.

It’s a conversation about death. Have I made you uncomfortable? Don’t be. I understand it’s not an easy topic to discuss – really, does anyone want to confront their own mortality? – but if we don’t talk about it now, trust me when I say that when you’re dead, it will be too late.

(Plus, do you really trust someone else to plan a party in your honour?)I wasn’t always so open about talking about dying, and death. But years ago, I had a health scare. It’s not something I openly chat about, but I don’t attempt to hide it, either. One day I may even write about it on my blog, but the post would be very long (ugh, too long) and right now, I’m just not up to it. However, I will say that the experience changed my perception of a once “taboo” subject: my funeral, and the funerals of my loved ones.

(Mom! I know what you’re thinking and I’m not jinxing myself by writing this.)

Here’s the thing: death is an occasion. Not a happy one; and certainly not one that we’re looking forward to. But nonetheless, just like our date of birth, it is a very significant mark on our timeline. And we put a lot of time and effort into occasions – thinking, planning and openly discussing our desires. But when was the last time you talked to your loved ones about your end of life wishes? Do they know what you want?And, just as importantly, do you know what they want?

Recently, I had a chance to sit down with my friends Candace and Solmaz. We were invited by Arbor Memorial to have an open conversation about death with Linda Stuart, a Life-Cycle Celebrant, and Shannon Burberry, an Arbor Funeral Home Manager. Together, they successfully broke down the barriers of talking about death and stripped away the taboos about planning for end of life.

Two observations.

One, I did not expect Shannon Burberry to be totally cool, charismatic and someone I loved just “hanging” with. Any preconceived notions I had about Funeral Directors were instantly obliterated! When it comes time to bring my end of life wishes to life, I want someone like Shannon to be organizing my churro bar.

Second, before meeting Linda, I had no idea Life-Cycle Celebrants – or “death doulas” – were even a thing. But her calm, knowledgeable demeanour and ability to get us all to open up and venture into new territory (without pushing our limits) made me realize what a blessing it is to have people like her to turn to.

So, what did I learn from our open conversation about death?1. The subject of death is an uncomfortable one. In some cultures, and for some generations, it’s actually considered taboo. But there’s only one person who can convey your end of life wishes, and that’s you. You know how they say to avoid grocery shopping when you’re hungry, so you won’t make impulse purchases? You don’t want to wait until the 11th hour to plan your funeral, either. Make decisions now, when you and your loved ones can have a frank, impartial conversation. You may be surprised to learn that you’re not on the same page at all! Or comforted in knowing that your wishes have been received and accepted.

2. Your death is not all about you. This was the biggest “light bulb” moment for me. I may ask to be cremated, but what should my children do with the ashes? Should it me up to me… or up to them? And what if they’d rather have a place to come and visit me while I “rest?” Maybe they’d prefer for me to be buried underground. So you see, it’s not good enough for me to simply write my wishes in a sealed envelope with “open when I’m gone” written on the front.

3. Help is available. You don’t have to figure it all out yourself – and you can start the process, now. Arbor Memorial has a four-step pre-planning solution for end of life arrangements. Whether you’ve already started plans or you’ve never given it any thought, a representative at Arbor Memorial will take the time up front to learn about you, to consider and discuss your situation and wishes.

(You can also utilize their free four-piece Estate Planning Kit to assist in gathering the paperwork, ahead of time.)

From there, they can help you and your loved ones gain a better understanding of the many traditional and contemporary options available to reflect your taste, culture, and budget.Recently, I chatted with my mom about her end of life wishes. Surprisingly, she was more open to beginning the conversation than I anticipated. However, within just five minutes, I realized that we are completed unprepared from an organizational and emotional standpoint. So, we’ll continue the conversation, even though it’s not one we’re dying to have.

But, that’s the whole point.

This post is sponsored by Arbor Memorial. The opinions on this blog, as always, are my own.

Reader Interactions

Comments

Definitely a conversation I avoid now that I’m older. I was born with a terminal illness so I’ve always, sort of, been ready. Strange thing is, it never happened. Now I’m afraid, because I never thought I’d be the one to lose someone. I’ve always been okay with going first, but I’ve learned life is full of surprises, both good and bad. I love my life, but I want to go first, hopefully years from now.

It is definitely a conversation we all need to have. I lost my Dad this summer and he had everything well laid out about how he wanted things at the end of his life. Even though it was a very hard thing to go through, it made it easier knowing that we were doing what he wanted.

I find this interesting: “Your death is not all about you.” But it is really. It would be awful if someone decided to have a big huge church ceremony and bury me in a graveyard. I’m an atheist in a family of churchgoers. I would hope my wishes were respected.

A funeral director came to talk about planning a funeral and make all the plans and he was driving the flashiest sports car I’ve ever seen. All blinged out with neon lights and spoiler. I wasn’t impressed. I should really find one that more reflects my tastes and style.
I do know that it’s not all about the dead person. It’s more about the living ones.

My husband went through a critical illness 5 years ago so this conversation has happened for us several times over the years and we talk openly about it. Reading through you post- ” 2. Your death is not all about you.” caught my attention. It is so nice to hear this in someone else’s words. We have talked about this as well. This is an issue for me as my father in law has grandiose ideas about his placement of ashes. His wishes will be respected but it is not a thoughtful wish for family members. These places where family would not be easily able to reach to mourn and visit. Sigh, when I pass I hope my children will do what is important to them at the time. Really funerals/ memorials are for the living, not the dead.

Death is a ‘funny’ topic – no one is immune to it but no one wants to speak about it. I don’t think there is ever an easy way to broach the subject and when it happens, no one is ever truly prepared – which is why it is important to be as prepared behind the scenes, if you will..

This was definitely a taboo subject for me, and then my Mom died suddenly and now death is something I’ve discussed with all the important people in my life, minus my children. Someday I will discuss it with them too, when the time is right. I’ve learned how important it is the hard way. I’ve never heard of a death doula, what an interesting idea!

Just like life, death should be planned, so that your loved ones are not left unprepared. I always feel for the Dashwood sisters in Sense and Sensibility who lost their father and means of living at the same time. Their circumstances were such that planning for their future was not possible or in their hands. You’d think they can continue to live in their manor since it is quite huge but, there is no guarantee that the next in succession will accomodate your needs. Today, there are so many resources at our disposal, so, this dismal future for those left behind can be avoided. When my own father died, I did not have the means to go back for his funeral for I was starting out in Canada all over again. I wouldn’t want to be in the same scenario should another close family member pass away in the Philippines.

This is a subject that we tend to avoid but we need to talk about it while we are still alive and can make our wishes known. I have even thought about prepaying my arrangements but haven’t done that yet…..

I have as yet not made a will, that is definitely something I should get done soon. I did try once in Germany but it was way too complicated there and I couldn’t have what I wanted so I left it – mind that’s at least 15 years ago so it’s time!

I’m one of those who doesn’t like talking about death and dying…I’m just not even ready to consider the thought of dying or losing my loved ones. I also don’t seem to cope well with death and mourn silently for ages so I don’t think I will ever be “ready”.

This is a topic that needs to be talked about, even if it is difficult and uncomfortable. I know that eventually it will be a conversation I’ll need to have with my parents, especially since I’m an only child.

Sometimes I wish we didn’t live in a culture where death was so sad. But, you’re right it’s necessary to convey your final wishes while considering the ‘after i’m gone’ stuff. My husband & I have discussed this at great lengths, I don’t believe this kind of conversation is ever ‘over’.. as we get older we change, things change…