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Coping When Your Partner Expresses Having Feelings for Somebody Else

It’s officially been just over a year now since Falon and I first hooked up with our best friend Kate after moving to Saskatoon. It was incredible. Hands down some of the best, most fulfilling, most fun sex any of us had had and we were excited to play again.

I think it’s safe to say though that at the time none of us would have expected that a year later, not only would we still be fucking each other (and trying out awesome threesome positions from porn like the “Eiffel Tower” and the “Double Dip”), never mind that we’d consider ourselves to be in a full-fledged polyamorous triad… yet here we fucking are!

While the three of us had, for quite awhile now, considered ourselves to be in a closed polyamorous relationship, being romantically and emotionally monogamous (but not necessarily sexually) to each other, it turns out that we potentially may not be quite so “closed” going forward!

Early last month, Kate sat down with Falon and I to talk about her feelings. This was a big deal because Kate has always struggled with expressing herself due to some pretty toxic communication in past relationships, so it was really awesome that she was putting herself out there with us in such a big way. So, what was it that she needed to say?

Well, she was having feelings toward her long distance friend. She wasn’t exactly sure what kind of feelings they were, or how to describe them, but they were feelings nonetheless.

Almost immediately after she said it, I was walloped with the fear and anxiety that this meant she didn’t want to be with Falon and I anymore… But to my surprise that wasn’t it at all! Through tears, Kate affirmed that she loved both of us deeply, that she couldn’t imagine not being with us, and that she was actually afraid that we were going to break up with her because we had previously expressed being emotionally/romantically monogamous in our triad.

Despite what my anxiety may have been telling me moments before, the FACT was that Kate wasn’t falling out of love with us, she was just expressing that she was feeling something complex about another person. And you know what? That was okay.

Because if I’m honest I too have had crushes and feels for people outside of my relationship as well, and fully acknowledging them (like my mushy feels for my long distance, sex blogger bestie Taylor J Mace of Feisty Fox films), has really helped me come to terms with Kate expressing having feels for her long distance friend too. Taylor is one of the only other sex bloggers I’ve really gotten to know since I started the site and since then we’ve had deep talks, supported each other, sent flirty messages, and casually traded nudes (all of which was happily within the non-monogamous boundaries of my relationship with Fal and Kate), and I’ll be honest, I’ve definitely gotten intense butterflies on more than one occasion.

In less than two weeks Taylor is coming to visit Fal and I, and I’m definitely going to sleep with them. We’ve talked about, swooned about it, and we’re excited about it. I mean, have you SEEN how hot they are?? Holy fuck! The best part is that Taylor and Fal have also been getting close so there will absolutely be threesomes! Then at some point early next year, Kate’s crush is going to visit her and they’re probably going to have sex too.

Once upon a time this would have all been grounds for a profound amount of mixed emotions, nervousness, and angst for me. But things are different, because my partners and I have had really honest conversations about this and we already hopped off the traditional relationship escalator right back at the beginning.

So, rather than letting insecurity overcome us, we’re just going to go with the flow and continue to openly communicate with each other about our feelings, just like we always have!

Because, as scary as it can be, change isn’t necessarily a bad thing; and while it might feel like the end of the world to you when your partner(s) expresses having feelings for another person… it absolutely doesn’t have to be!

If you’re in a similar situation and find yourself in panic mode, but you’re open to making your relationship with your partner(s) work, here are 3 tips for coping while moving forward:

1. Trust Your Partner(s)

It’s okay to seek affirmations every now and then when you’re feeling vulnerable or insecure; especially when a potential big change is coming in the form of your partner(s) exploring their feelings about somebody outside of your relationship. However, you NEED to trust them.

Putting a ton of pressure on them to constantly reassure you that everything is going to be fine between you is not only exhausting, but it is also a surefire way to create frustration and resentment where there wasn’t any before.

If your relationship was built on a foundation of strong communication, openness, and honesty, then don’t keep grilling your partner all the time! Believe them when they tell you that they love you and know that they’ll talk to you as things develop, or don’t.

Most importantly though: DO NOT fucking spy on their conversations with this other person. Don’t you dare fucking read their texts, look at their email, peek in on their Facebook messenger, or spy on them in any other way. Trust goes both ways and if you break theirs then that’s on you. They are trusting you by telling you about their feelings. Trust them too.

2. Don’t Live Too Far in the Future

While it’s natural to worry about what’s ahead, it’s equally as important to make sure that you’re not overly focused on things that haven’t even happened yet. Be sure to prioritize your relationship today, not your relationship 6-months or more from now.

Letting your anxiety about something that may or may not happen get the better of you has the potential to create serious problems for you and you’re partner(s) now. It’s the ol’ self-fulfilling prophecy shitshow. Simply put, if you are consumed with fear of your relationship ending someday, it can lead to a great deal of distrust, insecurity, pressure, emotional dependency, and more. You know, stuff that can ACTUALLY ruin your relationship.

Don’t let that happen! Take a deep breath, practice some self-care, keep doing the things you love to do, and, as already mentioned, trust your partner(s). The best thing that you can be doing right now is looking after yourself and supporting your partner(s) in them exploring their affections.

Which is exactly what Fal and I are doing with Kate, giving her the emotional space she needs while continuing to enjoy our amazing relationship with her just as we always have.

3. Be Honest with Yourself

While you’re doing that, do a little bit of an emotional inventory too and be honest about some of the feelings you’ve had for others outside of your relationship. Have you been sexually attracted to others (a coworker, friend, neighbor, etc.)? Fantasized about others (almost everybody does)? Felt a strong connection to others (be it emotional or not)? Well then, surprise! You’ve had feels about somebody outside of your relationships!

Believe me, coming to terms with the fact that emotions and attraction are complex as fuck, and that experiencing strong connections to multiple people is completely natural, will go a long way here.

Be honest with yourself too if you’re really not comfortable with more romantic or sexual openness with your partner(s). Don’t force yourself to agree with something just to make others happy if it’s going to hurt you. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to your partner(s) either. At the end of the day, understand that they are their own person, and they have the autonomy to do what they please, and feel what they feel, just like you do. But they love and trust you, and that’s the most important thing.

Anyway, this is getting long winded. Here’s the rub of it all: your relationship with your partner(s) does not have to be threatened by outside attractions. With trust, communication, and honesty, you can affirm your love for one another without denying each other emotional self-determination.