My CSA that I had to endure has caused me not only to have the usual fallout one gets from a traumatic experience but also something that has been bothering me for the past 45 years that no one seems to be able to help, and until now I have been too embarrassed to mention. Thanks to my father, ever since I could remember and even to this day I have always felt disgust at being male and have had fantasies, intrusive thoughts and wishes that I was born a female. I know that sounds f'd up but it causes me a lot of anxiety. All throughout my life, the only friends that I have had were female. I have a constant fear and distrust of men which is maybe why i am more comfortable around females. It is NOT in a sexual sense but more of i am 'one of the girls' sense. I like doing 'girly' things, watching 'girly' movies, wearing clothes that are considered to be more 'girly', however i dont crossdress or anything like that. My wife always gets on my case for not having any guy friends and only female friends, and I have been teased unmercifully (by other guys )throughout my life because of being feminine, being called names like pussy, sissy, girl, cunt, etc. It also doesnt help that my parents gave me a girl's name (i think deep down they wanted a daughter). Many times i am able to find comfort being feminine even with the embarrassment and teasing. If anyone else has been affected in this way it would be nice to know that i am not alone or a freak of nature.-DH

Hey man, im a bodybuilder 5'9 210 pounds and after my abuse I had severe masculinity issues and to this day I feel the need to prove my masculinity. I know for me working out and having a common interest with other guys in the gym has helped my self-esteem like nothing other. I know it may sound dumb to "try masculine things". But bonding with guys and being one of the guys helps alot at times!

Agree with 1islandboy and futureorbust. Being around other men helps but if you don't trust other men, how can you do that? Being subject not only to sexual abuse but emotional/verbal abuse/humiliation like name calling by other men really makes all men "other" and me all alone. That's how I lived my entire life - no close friends, sexual abuse and then sexual acting out. I avoided male intimacy at all costs.

I am 45 and recovered from drugs. I finally started doing the steps with another man and I guess I started to trust him. Through my failure of becoming a drug addict and trying to handle it all alone, I found that I had to reach out to someone who offered me help. Now, 2+ years later, I am expanding my world. I am joining a male abuse group next month (just interviewed for it), I have a new therapist who is challenging me to do things, I am aware that I don't trust and aware that I can learn to trust but only through trying like futureorbust.

Similar to 1islandboy, I engaged in a long and arduous journey inward and it is now paying off in a sense of strength and purpose. For me, it was going through 12 steps and therapy. It continues. I am seeing that I missed out on so much that words don't do it justice but that focus will eventually go away.

In 12 steps, there are some promises as I do the work and one that seems especially relevant to me is that no matter how far down the scale I have fallen, I will see how my experience can benefit others. My experience is important as is your experience and because its different from the ordinary doesn't mean its less valuable.

Regardless of your confusion about your gender identity, you are important and valuable. You may have so much to offer under that confusion that is darkened by worry and fear (rightfully so). Those old voices ran my life too but I now see that they are just voices from my past and not the people who currently surround me. You're doing the right thing by acknowledging it, identifying it and asking for help and other perspectives. You can change these thoughts and patterns - I did and I am. But only with help (for me, at least.)

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel, Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Sailboat, I've read your other posts and I have a different take on being "born this way". I thought I was born a certain way, meaning gay, but I realize now that I was not born gay. I was born as a sensitive boy in a certain type of household with bad parenting (like most other men with SSA) and then I was abused. I was sort of attracted to other boys but really I just felt different than them and I didn't believe that I was like them so I had a very skewed self-image that told me I appeared somehow different.

Then add male-to-male sex and I thought I was actually connecting to other men when I wasn't - AT ALL. I now generally see, for myself, male-to-male sex as two hurt boys confusedly looking to connect with themselves.

I write this not to differentiate between us but wondering about parallel lives. I don't believe that my view on sexuality is the rule or right except for me. I accept my path and where I am at. I guess what I am getting at is that you've come to a different conclusion about what gay is, right? But we have a lot of similar struggle in common either way, right?

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel, Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.Winthrop Mackworth Praed

I was responding to generalities, not specifics...nor was I referring to your statement as an "expert" piece of guidance, I was simply responding to what I perceived was a person who knew maybe how I felt?

Your response made me feel badly about disclosing my feeling, it felt judgmental, as though somehow you were different, better perhaps?

Contrary, I have not come to any conclusions, if I had, I would not be seeking support and alliances through pain on this wonderful site.I feel judged and since I try not to do that, as I see it as arrogance, which inevitably hurts, I choose to stay away from people or things who do this to others. I have very permeable skin, i am raw and exposed, and anxious, and scared, and alone, and wondering when willI it ever feel ok to be me in my own skin. commenting on what i read was an illustration of similarity in feeling,.a brotherhood, an alliance of likeness, I will be more mindful in the futureClearly we are not the same, specifically or generally

You're 100% wrong about judgment. I was asking honest questions and there was no judgment.

I am absolutely so surprised at your reaction. I am open to other's experience and how do I find out what that is except ask questions? I'm sorry that you think that since I expressed my experience that it made you think badly about yourself.

I was asking honest questions that I have. I was interested in the fact that we have parallel lives but at the same time different understandings of sexuality. I am okay with that. I even said my way is not the right way.

You're feeling bad or judged is how you read the post but its just not there. If you read it as me saying I'm better, again, its not there.

I was looking for identification, embellishment on your parallel lives comment to see what you meant while at the same time asking questions about other posts and relating my experience while asking about your experience.

My experience is different. If you perceive my relating that as arrogance, there's nothing I can do to put you at ease. It has nothing to do with me.

Am I happier not having sexual urges toward men? I am. Does it mean that my experience is one size fits all? It does not. That doesn't make me better than anyone - its just my experience.

I am amazed - I try to open up and relate and somehow its seen as judgmental. I feel like I can do no right on this site but trust me, I am just as entitled to my experience as anyone else on here and entitled not to be shut down or seen in a certain light because I experienced something different than others.

Added: I also had gender identity issues which is the topic here. I knew I was a boy but I related to girls and was afraid of boys and men until recently. There are still residual pieces floating around but, for me and me only, treating my SSA as a problem because I felt like it was, helped me connect with men simultaneously. My gender identity issues coincidentally lessened, too. I'm not advocating, I'm telling the truth. If you had these issues too and came to a different result, I'm interested and curious and open to a dialogue. That's it. I don't feel that I am better than a man who identifies himself as gay. This is really my attempt to reach out more.

Edited by EdfromNYC (08/22/1109:32 PM)Edit Reason: postscript

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel, Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.Winthrop Mackworth Praed

If anyone else has been affected in this way it would be nice to know that i am not alone or a freak of nature.-DH

Hey DH,

You aren't a freak of nature or a freak of any kind. You are reacting to something that happened to you which was beyond your capacity to handle. I don't know how old you were but it seems like it went on during your early life. My CSA stopped when I was 5. How could a 3 4 or 5 year old be expected to handle the overwhelming experiences that comes with a CSA. How could you fight back? I don't think it is worse or better at a specific age, just different. I feel similar things as you do. I reacted by trying to be "more manly." I joined the military, I always kept short hair. I avoided anything I thought that might make me look effeminate or God forbid "gay." I even wouldn't ever own a cat because I thought it was too "feminine." An F'ing CAT! I'm not sure where that came from. (By the way, It's why I chose the "kitty" avatar)

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