Rob Ford, the button-thread testing mayor of Toronto, finally admitted yesterday that, yes, he had smoked crack cocaine. I was most fascinated by his response to the question of when this indiscretion occurred, to which Mayor Ford replied, “Probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately a year ago.”

Unfortunately for the citizens of Toronto (but fortunately for humorists needing material), Mayor Ford has vowed not to resign. As a service to him, I am providing some excuses he can fall back on during the remainder of his term:

“Sorry, I’d just motorboated Miss Toronto in the folds of my gut at a charity dinner and I was a little discombobulated as to who all I insulted that night.”

“I was consorting with a prostitute—one of legal age, mind you—and I wasn’t conscious of the date at that moment, which I’m sure the voters will understand.”

“I’d just snorted a gigantic rail off the rack of some Mississauga milf and lost track of the time, which is why I was late to the honorable reverend’s memorial service. Not an excuse, merely an explanation.”

“As I was peaking on the dancefloor, my heart briefly stopped—I’m very sorry, but the brain cells with the information you’re asking about have died.”

“If you made a sex tape with a couple of Leafs cheerleaders over 8 months ago—8 months ago!—are you gonna remember whether or not public funds were used to rent the hotel room? C’mon, ey! Am I right?”

“When I’m rollin’ with my boys and we got some tight bud, it just feels right and at that moment I don’t care who is or isn’t a wanted felon, OK?”

“Forgive me, I had fluid on my lungs after a week-long spontaneous celebration of my mayoralty, and I can’t make sound judgments in that condition.”

“I was down at the local shotgunning boilermakers with some of my constituents and many of the details of the council meeting that followed are a little hazy.”

“That’s the thing about combining Ecstasy and cough medicine: I don’t always have total recall. Now, do I know I groped some gals? Yes. Do I know how many gals I groped? No, sorry, I don’t. That’s just the way it is.”