影片點子 Movie ideas

笑片念頭 Ideas for funny movie
segments. "Scenes we'd like to see." These should be enough to get
you started, as you all are searching so desperately for them,
according to web statistics.

My favorite character 崇拜之演員:
Ernest P.
Worrell et al. Indeed, I have compiled an
entire playlist of what stikes me funny just for your viewing
pleasure. Note however that I am unaware of most stars post-1994
今片不清楚.

（其實本人發現當電視明星挺笨，
亦早已置電視於倉庫不看，
僅聽新聞廣播。）
(Actually I found that being a TV star is quite silly and not for
me, and have mothballed my TV years ago, and only listen to the
news radio.)

無地方性 Applicable worldwide

電力公司 Power company

Because an elbow hit the big red button when throwing up arms
in victory gambling at the power company office. (With visors
and cigars as in very habitual.) Or say at the nuke plant. Of
course they are unaware until the first phone call as they are
on a different system. 2007.04.30.

We telephone the power company and say in a demanding voice:
"How do you expect me to dry my hair without power? Will it
there be power by seven o'clock? That's when my favorite show is
on. How do you expect me to entertain guests with a non-working
blender? My electric toothbrush is down..." 2007.10.20.

We check in with our hero the sex expert (Master of Arts --
the Art of Reproduction) during one of the planned power outages
(you know, population aging, got to stimulate people to have
more kids. What better proven way than a government ordered
"lights out"?)

So there he is in the dark, ready to "get it on", fumbling
for a packet of lube, when he mistakenly picks up a
packet of hot sauce from last month's lunch...

So there he is, no clothes on except for the cell phone
hanging from his neck flapping against his chest, as he slowly
realizes something is wrong... yow, grab the fire extinguisher,
gsgsgsgs... can't turn it off. What's all the commotion? -- Mom
kicks open the door and turns on the emergency lighting system.
"Herbert, playing with the whipped cream again on my furniture?!
You're grounded for a month!" 2010.08.11

Every month I just can't seem to use more electricity than
the basic charge of
每月只用基本電費
NT$84 (US$2.50). 剩餘白不用 How to
not waste each month's extra electricity entitlement?
故買按摩椅 Buy a massage chair...
ah yes, this is the life... as we fall asleep only to wake up
the next day still jiggling, chair or not. Does daddy have
Parkinson's? 2007.09.

Later, young Barksdale attempted to convince the census
authorities that it was all a computer glitch: they had
obviously confused his town of birth with his name, but was
told: "We don't have a entry field for PETS' names, but OK, if
you insist, 'Mr. CALIFORNIA, Davis'"... whereupon he ran out of
the office before the lady threateningly pressed the "Enter"
key.

Bored with his given name, the other kids now began to
conjecture on all the other GARB... words in the dictionary that
his parents' maiden names must have been amalgamated from
(garbonzo? garbologist? garble?). This was the last straw, and
young Barksdale jumped from a bridge.

When he awoke three weeks later, doctors had removed the
middle third of his name. But the incompatible consonant
clusters left him scarred for life, but oddly did seem to
improve his dating average. 2009.05.14.

總統 The President

The president is visiting a National Scenic Site and gets the
urge to urinate, however there is no toilet. So the Secret
Service agents form a circle and open up their briefcases into
bullet proof shields to block other tourists' line of sight.

According to regulations, one agent must remain by the
President's side at all times (protecting the "family
jewels".)

The result is such a scene, with more and more gawkers
encircling, that this piss will have to be rescheduled.
2007.11.25.

P.S., how about a title for a movie: "The longest piss". (Not
just a short video of which there are many.) 2009.09.04.

A little kid drops a tangerine by accident and it rolls
toward the
President's entourage. All the Secret Service agents jump
out of the way (sissies!), and the President stops it cold with
just a cold look from his eyes. The crowd gasps... all along he
was a warlock! 2007.12.24.

The tourist is waiting for the President to come out of the
puppet theater so he can take a picture.

He says to the security men "Can you ask him to hurry up, my
batteries are getting low." Time goes on and the president must
be really having a good time or something. "Is he sleeping in
there?" The security man replies, "No, he never does that."

Finally the tourist's jet-setting friends happen upon the
scene. "Tell him sorry, but I've just got to go. Tell Him he can
call me some time, it's OK, the number is on (this name) card.
Bye (as he jets off with them).
2007.04.14.

Tired of the President's beady eyes starting at you all day
in your government office? Why not move his portrait to the
highest place of honor, the ceiling? Form some flypaper into a
loop. Adhere it to the back, and within two or three toss
attempts, it should stick to the ceiling. 2005.08.21.

而總統退位後，
幅幅玉照能再利用，
掛於果農防猴電籬笆上。
嗣猴聯想圖與痛既定，
新網再免設，
僅置圖即可！

And what to do with all those Presidential Portraits when he
retires? Hang them on the electric fences that keep monkeys away
from fruit trees (here in Taiwan, or cows etc. where the reader
lives). Then after the monkeys associate the portrait with pain,
one can save on new fencing by just hanging the portraits, no
fence needed! 2008.03.10.

The president is on the phone so the visiting Russian
president gets bored and starts talking to the parrot who
proceeds to reveal all the state secrets he's heard.

Later at the chief advisors' meeting the parrot buts into in
to conversations with advice on better ways to deploy Cruise
missiles, etc. whereupon he is promptly cut off "shut up!" by
the President... 2009.05.17.

交通 Transportation

公車 Buses

缺零錢上公車，放一抓豆子入投幣口（又引故障），
司機問而其拿報紙說明今穀價為同價。
No exact change for the bus? Dumps a handful of beans into the
hopper... (causing malfunction too). When questioned by the
driver he pulls out the newspaper with todays grain market
quotes showing that he has paid the equivalent fare.
2008.06.14.

The cops and robbers chase is brought to a standstill as they
encounter a protest march: bus drivers with placards demanding
their right to a piss after tightened timetables left them
little opportunity. 2007.11.07.

計程車 Taxis

Arnold is a taxi driver who must fasten his seat belt at all
times, even when resting or eating a vegi-burger, as he has
received the gift of spiritual guidance and will bang his head
on the car ceiling or worse, float toward heaven, anytime
untethered. 2008.03.10.

魔毯 Magic carpets

It was a tale of engineering: they managed to land their
magic carpet safely on abandoned railroad tracks; and guts:
smack dab in Chicago's worst neighborhood. What to do now? Er,
send Williams on foot with this empty container to look for a
gas station. (好像也曾看過 I
also seem to recall a movie with the hubcaps stolen from a
flying saucer that landed in the wrong neighborhood.)
2008.06.03.

Here at NurdMoist Laboratories my colleagues invented a way
to take anyone back to the place and time a photograph was
taken, using merely its EXIF
headers!

Of course I just _had_ to be the first to test it out, with a
photo of an old high school flame that I was sure I could score
better with, armed with the latest 2010 pick-up lines. "OK, beam
me back Scotty..."

One problem: old photographs don't have EXIF headers. Now I'm
stuck in year 0, latitude 0, longitude 0. Skip the bathing
suit...

(I.e., our hero ended up in the Atlantic ocean, 2000 years
ago, i.e., more than just a little bit outside cell phone
coverage.) 2010.02.12

電子 Electronics

Austin sets Dr.
Tweezenthaller's clock back two hours when he isn't looking. The
next day at the meeting, Dr. Evil snaps
"Where is Tweezenthaller?!" -- at home still trimming his
toenails with the help of the million dollar electron
microscope. 2008.03.20.

I suppose one could write a script using the GNU/Linux
eject(1) command to make two CDROM drawers
alternatively open and close, like a wimpy version of the
dresser drawers in the scary movie The Exorcist. "The devil has
possessed my computer." Juri Linkov says:

Ha ha! I already made such a joke years ago ... my co-worker
was so scared when his computer's CDROM drawer suddenly started
opening and closing!

Tell the director to come down to the parking lot. We want to
have a talk with him.

Director, we hear there is a new museum opening in town.
Would its background music perhaps be using "muzak"? (Joey, from
inside the car: On Wednesdays there ought to be Beethoven. (Gets
kicked for talking out of turn)... 2007.01.28.

垃圾電子郵件 Spam
email

Agent Maxwell Smart
gets a spam e-mail: Subject: Parcel deposited here for you
to receive!, and exclaims: "Ah, the old 'Parcel
deposited here for you to receive!' trick. I'm not falling
for that one again!" 2008.03.20.

昆蟲 Insects

One day I (really did) notice ants carrying off a brass nail.
Following them of course leads to Dr. Evil's underground
headquarters where he was training them to rob banks but now he
ends up getting hauled off too, and they are unbolting bridges
and buildings... not even the Department of Defense can stop
them... 2007.05.02.

Gee, haven't seen many roaches and ants here at your place
recently. Must have all left. I don't blame them... with
leftovers like those. [Roaches in background:] Yeah man, you
thought we'd eat just anything. 2010.03.09.

食物 Food

The aircraft full of aid packages arrives at Third World
Country. They eagerly open them up only to find western snacks:
popcorn which they plant and never grows, 瓜子
pumpkin seeds for slow eating in front of a television... bubble
gum and fast food ketchup packets which of course must be some
kind of main course, right?! We return an hour later to find the
peasants all decked out in bicycle racing outfits they found in
the boxes, dead... no, just asleep after drinking beer they
found. 2007.09.

Gangsters are assembled for dinner. One has just gotten food
with his chopsticks, but before he can get it to his mouth, his
chopsticks are intercepted by another, who also uses chopsticks
to grab a hold of the first's, saying "not so fast". Uh oh,
looks like a showdown is about to begin... This segment seems
suitable for Taiwan's medicinal liquor TV ads. 2003.07.03.

First film me eating something. Each spoonful from the bowl
into my mouth, etc. Now take this tape and play it in reverse so
it looks like I am preparing a bowl of food for someone from
things I am taking out of my mouth. Then I take this bowl to
someone who then proceeds to eat it. 2003.09.18.

Normally nobody listens to me. Well we pull into a rest stop,
and everybody's munching down their food and being very
attentive to me for the first time. Not butting in or cutting me
off, and even nodding as I explain this and that. Then they are
suddenly all piling back into the bus and there I am with just
three seconds to wolf down my entire bowl of porridge.
2009.09.04.

Harold is a wimp. His wide commands him around with a
bullhorn when out shopping. Harold is a poor performer in bed.
His wife has adopted the conference speakers' rules of order
'three bells and your time is up' system. First bell at fifteen
minutes. Next at five. Next at one. Then she cuts off his
d*ck mike. 2013.12.01.

There's some flavors that are so good that you'll leave house
and home, sacrifice, or at least forget your family members.

Scene for ad: Dad is on the dock eating some sumptuous exotic
tropical fruit, etc., eyes closed, "mmmmm, oh yeah", while in
the background a cord comes loose and his family members float
slowly away on a raft waving and yelling "help!". Dad of course
hears nothing as he has entered a tropical fruit world.
2003.09.22.

容貌 Appearances

Man goes to photo shop for passport photos. He notices the
worker then using the computer to remove his blemishes and
wrinkles painstakingly one by one. He snaps, "Give me back my
spots. Those are my intellectual property!" The worker hits one
button and all the blemishes are back. (And while he isn't
looking, throws some extras on for free.) Later this becomes a
nationwide movement. 2006.05.24.

衣服 Clothes

Never get "caught with your pants down", especially when they
dig the former you out from earthquake rubble. E.g., what if the
funeral director chooses an incompatible necktie?

So it's proper attire required, in my "last aid kit", and a
toothbrush, and a comb. Jump out the window? You'll only get
your clothes dirty. Me? I'll be spending those vital seconds
preparing for my successful interview at Heaven's Gates.
2007.01.01.

Hearing on the matter of why the gorillas escaped and now
are on street corners bullying the public

How did it all start?

It all started when we here are the zoo decided that in
order to avoid the chance of employees stealing food meant
for the animals and reselling it etc., we would put in place
a system of checks and balances. You would agree that it
would be no big deal to ask the gorillas to sign their name
when they received a banana.

Wouldn't just having them return the peel be good
enough?

Well then there are apples etc. Anyway later we of course
decided to use a paperless system, and assigned each gorilla
a PIN number. 4 then 6 then later 8 digits long. Then we
switched to IC cards. However the gorillas were not happy
that for the same side card they only got an IC card when
they could instead have...

A Visa™ Card?!

urm, yes. And they ran away and bought zoot/pimp suits
and cars and that's why we have the problem we have today.
2010.03.06

I telephone Lucky the Monk across the way: "say, I heard you
used to be a gangster." "Yes." "Well, do you still have any
gangster clothes left over? Don't worry, I don't want to be a
real gangster. I just want to look cooler." 2009.09.04.

電視裡那笨蛋怎都穿著我的衣服？！
向妻子：妳把我衣服送給那個笨蛋？！

Who's that fool on TV wearing all my clothes?! To wife:
You've been giving my clothes to that fool?! 2011.01.17.

提及流氓 Speaking about gangsters:
戳左右手啟筆： The
head honcho wants to write a note, so with a flick of his wrist,
he nonchalantly pokes his right hand henchman in the ribs, out
of habit, to "click his bic" pen. Less trouble than using his
thumb to initialize his pen for writing. 2011.01.17.

We're riding in somebody's car when the driver starts talking
patriotically. We respond by taking off our shoes (phew) and
holding it to the driver's face, "see, 'Made in Taiwan (USA,
etc.)'", then same with our socks, then it's butt in the face to
show him our underwear label, by which time the car is already
swerving badly... 2010.03.07

鞋類 Footware

It's the conclusion of a week long nudist retreat and where's
my ID cards? I didn't dig a hole and bury them, no wonder they
got stolen. How about my shoes? Apparently they walked away on
their own. Must chose from the common shoe pile. Tossed the
replacements too after two days of "shoes too small" suffering.
2007.11.07.

Where'd my slippers go? Did that dog take them again? Nope,
they are now in the laboratory of the Federal Investigation
Bureau, undergoing analysis, for what, only those keystone cops
know. Athlete's foot perhaps. 2005.08.21.

親愛的，
家裏為何那麼多拖鞋？
答：如歹徒數次換脫逃車輛，
丟跟蹤者。

"Why all the slippers all over the house, Dear?" Answer:
"Just like the suspects frequently changing getaway vehicles: to
keep pursuers off my trail." 2007.08.

老人 Old folks

阿公 Grandpa

Love to take grandpa with me when I go to town. Makes me look
younger.

搶銀行很簡單。
只需擺阿公在警衛前邊，
因不得不敬老原則，
其不敢與阿公斷話轉頭看我在幹什麼。

Robbing banks is easy with grandpa in tow. I just place him
in front of the security guard, and go about my business. Due to
the "respect your elders" rule, the security guard dares not to
break the conversation grandpa has started with him, to have a
look around at what I'm up to. 2009.06.08.

阿嬤 Grandma

The mayor is presenting the 100th birthday gift bank check to
Grandma, and reporters cameras are snapping away. However,
Grandma has been taking her virility vitamins, and pinches the
mayor's butt behind the scenes, making it hard for him to keep a
straight face. 2009.10.31.

迷信 Superstition

氣象 Weather

What's behind the jerky motion of track predictions of
hurricanes and typhoons? In the back room of the Central Weather
Bureau, there they are, the six experts, eyes closed, using an
Ouija board
planchette on a map hooked up to the live broadcast.
2008.08.05.

You've never actually seen your dentist's face, always behind
that surgical mask. So you check the wall where he hangs all
those licences and diplomas... Same deal, all theirs photos are
him in his mask. 2009.05.05.

專屬台灣 Taiwan specific

He left Taiwan twenty years ago and lives abroad. One day he
hears faintly in the distance something like one of those simple
melodies Taiwan's garbage trucks' loudspeakers play. He breaks
down in tears with memories of home. 2005.08.18.

算命、迷信，等
Fortunetelling, superstition, etc.

Often in Taiwan all members of a family change their given
names to supposedly bring better luck. How about they change in
a round robin fashion: brother 2 gets brother 1's name, brother
3 gets brother 2's name, etc. 2006.04.

兩友走入算命館。
結果
「你的朋友那麼成功，
乾脆改名用他的吧」，
而其也立刻跑戶政所辦。
Two pals stroll into the fortuneteller's office, who after a
while says "your friend is so successful, why don't you change
your name to his?", which indeed he does, heading right down to
the household registration office. (Surnames though can't be
usually be changed here in Taiwan.) 2008.04.26.

Foreigner lays out a carpet at a Taiwan night market,
marketing his only skill, Hanyu Pinyin: Ma'am, your name Lin
Yongping is very stable. There is only a minor instability in
the center, the yong. Wade-Giles spelled it
yung. Mr. Zhang, you have a lot to watch out for in
that surname. In the hands of "Tongyong Pinyin" it might get
mangled into Jhang. Wade-Giles would make it Chang. So you've
got to be very careful. 2006.06.