SINGLE ON VALENTINE’S DAY – SOME ADVICE

You’ve been dreading it, haven’t you? Another year, another one of those days… You can’t even say the word. In fact, you can’t even bear to read it or see it written. Balls. It’s that day.

What’s worse is that the dread is no longer confined to those 24 hours. No, you’ve got about two weeks of feeling like Cruella de Vil in 102 Dalmations when she starts to see spots all over everything and everywhere. For you, it’s hearts and roses smeared across every single entity.

It’s very easy for someone in a relationship to state that V Day is just another commercialised holiday campaigned to generate profit. When push comes to shove, you don’t see them declining the roses or the chocolates or the fancy dinner date. You don’t see them keeping their legs together on the night in the name of anti-capitalism.

Anyhow, let’s be clinical about this. Here are some pragmatic solutions that’ll help you get through at least the actual day:

You’ll need a bunker and provisions

Let us turn to the great Bridget Jones for guidance. So by bunker, I mean your bedroom or living room. By provisions, I mean bottles of your favourite tipple and a delivered takeaway. A big f***-off delivered takeaway. And if that takeaway arrives with any heart-shaped motifs in the food or the packaging, just dump everything onto a plate and binge. No point boycotting the restaurant over such a triviality. Prawn toast is your true love, anyway. It’s also best to go braless underneath your fluffy enveloping pyjamas. And if you’re lucky enough to have a doting pet, they are to keep you company throughout the night. Smother them.

Artistic but romantically devoid indulgences

Select a series or a film where there is no love interest and no romantic plot, or where at least there’s no happy ending for the lovers or the very notion of love is parodied. We recommend Family Guy, 500 Days of Summer, and any Cartoon Network classic.

Phones down

Hide it. Burn it. Or just switch it off. But hide it. Even better, get someone else to hide it for you, so that you don’t fish it out in a drunken stupor to call your ex. Don’t you dare. Resist it. Go against every instinct in your body, and keep drinking.

For those who want to avoid any possibility of spiraling into chronic loneliness

This is much easier for those whose circle of friends aren’t married or in happy relationships. If these are thin on the ground for you, please see above. If however, you’re fortunate enough to have such comrades, stay indoors all the same, unless you’re mentally prepared for what lies outside. It’s best to barricade yourselves and share the above environment, for the sake of your collective sanity.

Hope is kindled…

Tinder can kindle the flame. Or at least the momentary copulative spark. But do note that it’s best to go on the hunt a few days prior to THE day, so that you can establish that you’re just in need of an amusing romp to dull the pain. It’s either that or heroin. You also need to clarify that by wanting their company on THE day, you’re by no means clawing them into the cage of commitment. Most first dates are in fact avoided on THE day because people get the wrong idea.

We know. It’s a bitch. Possibly the biggest bitch of the year. But you’ll get through it, somehow. Just trudge on, homies. Trudge on. Goodnight, and good luck.