The Pantyhose Conspiracy

I should have bought stock in pantyhose years ago, or at least bought as many pairs of the good kind as I could afford back when they were sturdier than they are now.

In my job, I wear suits on an almost daily basis. There are many days that I cannot wear pantsuits. (Don’t ask; just know that I’m not allowed.) This means that I go through a lot of pantyhose. And yes, I do mean literally “go through” pantyhose: I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve gotten runs in them right when I don’t have the time to do anything about it, or when I’m in a hurry.

I’ve tried using lingerie bags in the washing machine. I’ve tried washing them by hand. It really doesn’t matter; they always run. And they always run exactly two days before payday when you don’t have time to get to the store and are down to your last pair. And then you put on the emergency pair that you keep in the back of your desk drawer only to put your hand through the knee on a day that is already spiraling downhill in a hurry.

I’m beginning to believe that Someone invented pantyhose, like high heels, just to get a good laugh at all of us crazy women who are trying to be “fashionable”. Or they’re getting a good laugh at all of us wrapping our legs in nylon sausage casing before we show them off. Have you ever watched a woman put on pantyhose? We look like absolute fools when we go through all of those gyrations.