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06 August 2014

The one where June retains more water than Lot's Wife

Remember yesterday?

That's all I wanted to know. If you remembered yesterday. Good night!

Remember yesterday, when I told you that on Monday morning I said goodbye to Ned and I was sad because I wouldn't see him for two days? Then I saw him twice on Monday? Last night he drove past me as I was getting out of my car to go to my banquet. It occurs to me that Ned might be stalking me.

Yesterday I had my volunteer/student celebration thing with the literacy organization for which I volunteer because I am a magnificent person. They had lasagna, and I am sorry to tell you that for lunch I was in a hurry so I had Chik-Fil-A, mostly because I abhor the gays.

Look. I am so on the side of the gay folk. I 100% am. It's just that if there's ONE restaurant you have to boycott, just one, did it have to be the deliciousest one? I try VERY HARD to avoid eating there, but if I'm dashing around at lunch and it's RIGHT THERE LOOKING ALL CRISPY AND DELICIOUS, my morals go out the window.

The punishment I received from God is that today I am five pounds heavier. I am not making that up. Five pounds. I look like a Sumo wrestler. Oh, did I forget to mention I ate one of those tasty all-salt easter bunnies yesterday, too? Even the little carrot was all salt.

Also won the pie-eating contest.

The point is, yesterday I went to my volunteer banquet as a five-pounds-thinner person, and I like how I keep calling it a banquet like it's 1973, and I met the nicest couple there. I asked if I could sit at their table and I could not have picked a better table. They're from LA, so we had LA things to talk about, and yesterday marks seven years since I moved here and cried for two months, so that was kind of weird, to meet people from the place I left exactly seven years ago.

Here is the girl part of the couple. Her boyfriend, who does not volunteer, was looking at his phone, and you can't blame him. They pretty much gave an award to everyone but Ermintrude and me and it was endless. That's what my random name generator has named her, by the way: Ermintrude. It's a terrible name for someone this pretty.

It's weird to meet someone from a place you used to live. Were we ever at the same gas station? Did we pass each other on a crowded street? It's the same with Ned. He lived here for two years before I met him, and we've come up with a few things we both went to. For example, we were both at the Christmastime First Friday of 2010. I was with Marvin, and I remember there was nowhere to park, and we totally just could have parked at Ned's! "Hey, current husband! Let's pull into this parking lot! It's where my future boyfriend resides."

I mean, did Ned and I pass each other that night underneath the snow machine? We also both go to the weird foreign movies they show at the local theater, and we both talk about how we'd go alone, and sometimes there'd be only one or two other people in the room. Was it ever just us? Ned says he'd remember if it was me, but maybe not. And remember the first time I went to Raleigh, and I had that premonition that the next man I was going to fall in love with was there? Was he walking past me then? He lived nearby.

I have no idea how this got so deep. I am not smoking the pot. Anyway, I liked Ermintrude and her boyfriend, and we exchanged info, so maybe we'll meet up again.

Speaking of my name generator, my high school boyfriend Giovanni Leftwich and I talked last night. He lives in the town where the University of Michigan is, and he was near campus yesterday and noticed the young girls wearing high-waisted pants, like I wore in the '70s and '80s, and he was reminded of me. He asked if I was going to embrace the look again but I said no. Not unless I can find my double belt.

I guess that's all I have to tell you about yesterday, and now today I am going to the movies with Ned, and with all that seeing-him-when-I-wasn't-supposed-to stuff these past two days, now probably tonight he'll wear his cloak of invisibility and I won't see him at all.

Before I go, I want to show you the Halloween costume Faithful Reader LaUral sent me, knowing there is no more perfect costume for me.

If they don't make I-eat-salt sizes, Ima be pissed. Although I did just tell Ned, who asked me out of the blue what this year's costume was going to be, that I'm going as the woman on the Whipped Creme and Other Delights album. He mentioned no one under 40 would know what the FUCK I was, but hooo care. I just pulled that answer out of my ass and now I love the idea way more than my last idea, where I was going to go as the The More You Know star.

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The one where June retains more water than Lot's Wife

Remember yesterday?

That's all I wanted to know. If you remembered yesterday. Good night!

Remember yesterday, when I told you that on Monday morning I said goodbye to Ned and I was sad because I wouldn't see him for two days? Then I saw him twice on Monday? Last night he drove past me as I was getting out of my car to go to my banquet. It occurs to me that Ned might be stalking me.

Yesterday I had my volunteer/student celebration thing with the literacy organization for which I volunteer because I am a magnificent person. They had lasagna, and I am sorry to tell you that for lunch I was in a hurry so I had Chik-Fil-A, mostly because I abhor the gays.

Look. I am so on the side of the gay folk. I 100% am. It's just that if there's ONE restaurant you have to boycott, just one, did it have to be the deliciousest one? I try VERY HARD to avoid eating there, but if I'm dashing around at lunch and it's RIGHT THERE LOOKING ALL CRISPY AND DELICIOUS, my morals go out the window.

The punishment I received from God is that today I am five pounds heavier. I am not making that up. Five pounds. I look like a Sumo wrestler. Oh, did I forget to mention I ate one of those tasty all-salt easter bunnies yesterday, too? Even the little carrot was all salt.

Also won the pie-eating contest.

The point is, yesterday I went to my volunteer banquet as a five-pounds-thinner person, and I like how I keep calling it a banquet like it's 1973, and I met the nicest couple there. I asked if I could sit at their table and I could not have picked a better table. They're from LA, so we had LA things to talk about, and yesterday marks seven years since I moved here and cried for two months, so that was kind of weird, to meet people from the place I left exactly seven years ago.

Here is the girl part of the couple. Her boyfriend, who does not volunteer, was looking at his phone, and you can't blame him. They pretty much gave an award to everyone but Ermintrude and me and it was endless. That's what my random name generator has named her, by the way: Ermintrude. It's a terrible name for someone this pretty.

It's weird to meet someone from a place you used to live. Were we ever at the same gas station? Did we pass each other on a crowded street? It's the same with Ned. He lived here for two years before I met him, and we've come up with a few things we both went to. For example, we were both at the Christmastime First Friday of 2010. I was with Marvin, and I remember there was nowhere to park, and we totally just could have parked at Ned's! "Hey, current husband! Let's pull into this parking lot! It's where my future boyfriend resides."

I mean, did Ned and I pass each other that night underneath the snow machine? We also both go to the weird foreign movies they show at the local theater, and we both talk about how we'd go alone, and sometimes there'd be only one or two other people in the room. Was it ever just us? Ned says he'd remember if it was me, but maybe not. And remember the first time I went to Raleigh, and I had that premonition that the next man I was going to fall in love with was there? Was he walking past me then? He lived nearby.

I have no idea how this got so deep. I am not smoking the pot. Anyway, I liked Ermintrude and her boyfriend, and we exchanged info, so maybe we'll meet up again.

Speaking of my name generator, my high school boyfriend Giovanni Leftwich and I talked last night. He lives in the town where the University of Michigan is, and he was near campus yesterday and noticed the young girls wearing high-waisted pants, like I wore in the '70s and '80s, and he was reminded of me. He asked if I was going to embrace the look again but I said no. Not unless I can find my double belt.

I guess that's all I have to tell you about yesterday, and now today I am going to the movies with Ned, and with all that seeing-him-when-I-wasn't-supposed-to stuff these past two days, now probably tonight he'll wear his cloak of invisibility and I won't see him at all.

Before I go, I want to show you the Halloween costume Faithful Reader LaUral sent me, knowing there is no more perfect costume for me.

If they don't make I-eat-salt sizes, Ima be pissed. Although I did just tell Ned, who asked me out of the blue what this year's costume was going to be, that I'm going as the woman on the Whipped Creme and Other Delights album. He mentioned no one under 40 would know what the FUCK I was, but hooo care. I just pulled that answer out of my ass and now I love the idea way more than my last idea, where I was going to go as the The More You Know star.