Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1572

The Incorrect Diagnosis
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said. Larry H.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1573

Two Nuts
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy man and immediately began his routine, "I am John the Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!" Gary B.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1574

Men's Bumper Stickers
Chauvinism: A word invented by women who don't know their place in the world.
Women are only good for two things... and some don't clean the house that well.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
How do you fix the dishwasher? Yell at her.
Good girls are bad girls who never get caught.
Friends don't let friends bring ugly women home with them.
Leg check 50 feet. Please raise skirt! Veno G.

Thursday

Joke
N°
1513

The Perfect Game
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday, it was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not go to church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, 350 yards away. A picture perfect hole in one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"
God smiled and said, "Think about it: who can he tell?" Mike T.

Friday

Joke
N°
1514

The Old Man
Three guys went on a hunting trip. The tour guide told them that the old man by the fire in the lodge tells great stories.
They went to the man and he began to tell them a story. He said, "Ten years ago I was in Africa hunting, and I fell asleep and when I woke up there was a lion in front of my face! All I could say is Ahhhh! Wooh, I crapped my pants!"
One of the boys exclaimed, "I would have crapped my pants too!"
The old man replies, "No, I mean I just crapped my pants when I yelled Ahhh!" Brent M.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1515

The Priest's Project
A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to become respectable, so he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the prostitute.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you."
And the prostitute said, "Yes I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing." Harry C.

Sunday

Joke
N°
1516

The Stubborn Cop
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer, "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding so he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom." Nick A.