Psalm 139:13-16

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Lost It

I lost it tonight. I hit an all time low.

I was trying to work with Grace on her walking with her cane. I've been convicted lately about how little we get to work on walking, as well as how little I think to pray about it, so I have a new focused effort to work really hard and do my part in achieving this milestone.

Tonight, Grace was not having it. I tried to force her for probably a good five minutes, as she fought and cried (hard). The floor was wet with tears. Then I lost it. I yelled at my precious daughter. Out of anger and frustration (toward her challenges, not her), I yelled. At my daughter who doesn't have the ability yet to walk. I immediately burst into tears. I ugly cried for the first time in a long time. After a minute of crying, I ran back to Grace and scooped her up and apologized a thousand times. Saying "Mommy loves you," and "I'm sorry," and "I love you just the way you are." I hated myself for yelling at my daughter who didn't deserve it.

I still hate myself for that moment of weak humanity. The desperation I feel in my heart for Grace to achieve this milestone is overwhelming. I want it for her (she will love it), and I want it for us (our backs will be thankful). Why, God, why have you not given her this ability yet???

I don't understand. Have you ever watched your child to struggle to achieve every little thing? Every little thing that should come so easily? Because I have. One the one hand, like I said, the desperation is overwhelming. I want to just do it for her. I would give everything I have to take away her challenges. EVERYTHING. On the other hand, the struggle has taught us to truly celebrate every tiny victory. Nothing goes unnoticed.

After the ordeal tonight, it was time for bath. It hit me. Last week, I taught Grace a new song. I'm not sure what it's called, but the words are "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do. The mountains are his, the valleys are his, the stars are his handiwork too. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do." Grace knew the song the next night. :)

So tonight, we had our nightly concert, and I began to sing this song. I got the first words out, and the tears started flowing again. My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY, there's NOTHING my God cannot do.

Lord, I give this to you. Grace will not walk because of anything I do, or any amount of time or energy I spend working with her. God, it will be because of YOU. Please, Lord, touch her body and allow her to walk. I want you to receive the glory for this miracle you will accomplish in her life. I give it to you. Take away my selfish desire. This is in your hands. Every victorious mountain is yours. Help me walk through this valley with grace. Thank you for who you are and for all you have done in Grace's life.

Please, friends, approach the Throne of Grace and ask for our Father to allow Grace to walk. We will praise him for this miracle!

This is such a raw and honest post. Thank you for sharing. I go through similar struggles as a mommy and this is a great reminder to turn it over to God. Again thank you for sharing. I will be praying for Grace and I will also be praying for you. All mommies have moments of weakness where we lose our patience and direct the anger wrongly.

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About Me

I am a wife, momma, and pediatric nurse. My daughter Grace was born March 4, 2011, and she is an awesome little girl! She has special needs (see my link "Grace's Story"). Our second baby, Micah, is due March 31, 2014. My prayer for our family is that God would use us to draw others nearer to Him. This blog is dedicated to my journey with motherhood.