Environmentalists Wage Maryland Tomato Wars

GREEN Shirt environmentalist Mike Tidwell is beyond parody, or the work of a comic genius.

Ten years ago, I put solar panels on my roof and began eating locally grown food. I bought an energy-efficient refrigerator that uses the power equivalent of a single light bulb. I started heating my home with a stove that burns organically fertilized corn kernels. I even restored a gas-free lawn mower for manual yardwork.

Let the carbon-sucking grass grow!

As a longtime environmental activist, I was deeply alarmed by new studies on global warming, so I went all out. I did my part.

That was then:

Today, underneath the solar panels, there’s a new set of deadbolt locks on all my doors. There’s a new Honda GX390 portable power generator in my garage, ready to provide backup electricity. And last week I bought a starter kit to raise tomatoes and lettuce behind barred basement windows.

Shhh! The tomato bandits might here:

It was the global food riots of 2008 and 2010 that led me to replace the 50-year-old locks on all my doors last fall. I’m not normally the paranoid type, but when extreme weather alternately baked and flooded wheat fields in Australia and Russia, helping to jack up grain prices more than 40 percent worldwide and leading hungry people to protest from Mexico to Mozambique to Serbia, I took notice.

We’re running out of time. The proof is everywhere … our weather has gone haywire … I’m not crazy. Just wait …

Waiting…

After the August storm, I made the financially painful decision to buy the Honda generator. My solar panels, by themselves, can’t power my home. I spent $1,000 on the generator, money that would have gone into my 13-year-old son’s college fund. I’ve expanded my definition of how best to plan for his future.

Guns!

People don’t sit still when food gets scarce. Indeed, when the options are extreme hunger or pillaging the neighboring village, history tends to favor pillaging.

So I even took my first-ever lesson in firearms use last December … wouldn’t even a level-headed person want to be ready to defend his family if climate chaos goes to the max?

Too late! The Serbs have read your piece. They are walking West:

My wife and son, meanwhile, have obviously noticed the changes I’m making around the house.