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Something really bad is happening. People from outside Cornwall,(they may be English), have infiltrated our culture. They are forcing us to eat unnatural products in our Pasties. Some of them have actually managed to get jobs making Pasties, or else they own Bakery shops. They are replacing swede with carrot, and some of them have been heard saying prayers (in English) while they do it. Somebody who works in such a shop has told me off the record, that instead of the tops of the carrots being twisted off, they are cut off with a sharp knife. This kind of barbaric practice has got to stop. If they are going to use carrots at least stun them first.

Where are our political leaders when we need them, we are being overrun but outsiders who have no respect for the culinary culture of Cornwall. Nobody from any of the Supermarkets has been available for comment, because they are busy in meetings trying to find a method of depicting the methods of treating veg on the labels.

Pasties have been eaten in Cornwall for thousands of years without problem, but now our Cornish culture is being diluted. We are being forced to change to suit the incomers. When I go into England they have rules about there food that nobody is allowed to break. At the Motorway Services, the chef performs the ceremony of turning the plate upside down to show that the gravy is strong enough to stick the food to the plate. Also you are only allowed to drink alcohol if you first perform the ritual of sticking fruit and paper umbrellas in it and setting it alight. The young priestesses who officiate then fall on the floor and roll about.

If you happen to make a comment about the gravy or accidentally step on a priestess when trying to find a pint of real ale, a Cornish man is likely to have his passport taken away and he could end up in a filthy prison.

Enough is enough, pasties with swede were good enough for our parents, they have fed Cornish armies for a thousand years, they were smuggled into Twickenham on several occasions under the noses of the English Secret Police, so we must stand firm. No imported foreign muck for us.