…mind talks…

Thought channeling

Gazing blankly into the ghostly sky with its morning star hidden right behind the thick, heavy clouds, I downed my cup of espresso. I tried to shut my thoughts and listen to the sounds around me. I sat still in my wooden chair trying to capture some form of hope for my trusty pen to thrust its wildest dreams on.

If I could, I would. Definitely. I would part this sheet of paper from the book, roll it up, and then put it in a bottle – and set it free. Well, what if I actually did?

My thoughts would have the freedom to linger off through the water surface, forever encased in its protective covering. Hopefully it would seek refuge from raging storms, and finally meet with amicable weather in the Atlantic, before sailing smoothly into the Indian Ocean. Perhaps, thousands of years later someone would be lucky enough to stumble upon it when it gets itself stuck in the soggy sand.

Parts of the lines are quite cheesy, and I do have to apologize, Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber, for borrowing the words in your lyrics to vent my dissatisfaction.

Thank you for calling me a bitch. Thank you for assumming that I am a slut. Thank you for piercing through my heart all your sharp arrows, of setting my soul to flames. Thank you for calling me stupid, and whatever other names you felt befitting. I have never once been that, and I shall show you that I mean it.

The players are going to play, play, play. The haters, on the other hand, they are just going to hate, hate, hate. What can I possibly do about that anyway. I sort of knew you were trouble when you walked in to my life, so maybe shame on me now? Hmmm. All too often I was just left in blank space, baby; because all boys only want love if it’s torture, if it’s pain, if it’s hurt, and if blood oozes out from their hearts. What do you really, really mean? You were, in the end, the reason for the teardrops on my guitar (well, ok; it was really your guitar, but I held it with my dainty fingers sometimes). Finally, your friends talked to my friends talked to your friends talked to me, and so we are never ever getting back together. Not like I actually cared even. I only have to shake it all off my head. Yeah. Loving you was so red, in fact forgetting you was like trying to know someone I never met.

Nevertheless, from the ashes rose a phoenix with wings so large they carried it away from the consuming fire. I started showing gratitude and showering my appreciation on people, sometimes even people I do not even know who helped me in doing something. I allowed myself to be as genuine as possible in dealing with the different kinds of people I have to meet everyday. These things cannot go wrong. As a result, I am proud of myself for having grown emotionally stronger and bolder than before. It could be that my feelings have been numbed from the constant hurt, but my chains have been broken, and my soul has been set free. I hope.

A few more months – just one more semester – I will be graduating!!!! (I do wish I could insert a love icon here.) I shall be done with my degree after a long, long time. I should be so excited right? Yes I am, but no, I am also not. Oh gosh, my mind is wandering to so many places! Life is an exciting venture, a beautiful journey bestowed upon Man. There is no other gift more amazing than the gift of life.

This year also I am chasing time to kick off my positive psychology start-up as well. While I am working on one SBU (strategic business unit, that is) now, I will directly after I graduate, start-up the other SBU. Currently I am looking for sponsors and venues for investors. It has been a crazy six months running about to widen social networks and contact suppliers, and so on, whilst studying final year. I still have not mentioned that I am also doing sales. Haha. Crazy times.

I have of course had my fair share of repeating heartbreaks, but yet I did all I could to keep pushing on and on. Whether it has got to be love, wealth, fame, or self-fulfillment, I wanted it to work out this year. I probably went a wee bit overboard, pushing myself dangerously over the edge. But I had already decided from early this year that I am not going to let things happen to me just like that. I am going to make things happen to me instead.

So I just want you to know: I am fiercely fighting for whatever that is meant to be mine – my degree, my start-up, and HIM!!!!!

Never say never. All I need to do is be patient. Perseverant. Positive!!!! The 3Ps!!! Oooh – how sweet.

The cotton pashmina that veiled the lady’s beautiful mind – it fluttered in the gentle wind as she glided gallantly down the ivory steps of the ruins of the fire-beaten Colossal pillars, her velvety dress sailing along. Nothing was visible save her darkly distinguishable kohl hazel-brown eyes. The light that shone through those piercing eyes burned everything she saw into flames. But she did not seem afraid.

In a second little fairies appeared in the air; they flew around her, following her in a little camaraderie. They tweeted cheerfully, with such childlike merriment and vigor. She did not stop in her march.

Where did she come from? Why was she heading to the fire with such passionate intent?

Listen… listen closely. Feel… feel naturally. Think… think carefully. Life waltzes in its own majestic ways. No one could ever imagine how journeys would end, drastically, or with a tinge of fantasy. One may lose himself in the tangle of cobwebs, but yes, he will cut his way out and yes, he will find his way through. Darkness may plunge the anguished soul into the depths of the abyss where gargantuan monsters lie, waiting to gulp down a good meal. Gunshots may fell the body into pits of raging fire, melting the skin, eating away at the muscles.

But you know what? He will make it through. He will push his way up, regardless of how thick the gooey mess he is in. He will emerge from the pain of having his growing body held captive in the seemingly shrunken cocoon.

Today is Malaysia Day, and I have been spending the early hours of the morning to contact a few psychologists for interviews as part of my university project. I have also spent a huge amount of time talking to my business partners about the event I am planning to hold soon.

The searing pain in the head; let it go, let it go. It is hard to forget the past so sweet and which told of a future that was meant to be. It is all a learning process anyhow, although it is hard to accept. If only time could turn back its hands and work in reverse.

But how is that even possible?

I made a vow when I left: That I am going to heal like the issue never existed in the first place. I am going to swing on my chandelier from out of your grasp, back to where I belong. I am very aware of my points of origin, and whatever else I am doing. I have given my best, too. It is only for you to take it or leave it. Whatever it is, you are still a part of me.

And there is no need to be afraid. Where you find water, jump in. Where you find the ocean, plunge in. Get wet. Inhale and exhale whole-heartedly as you allow the tiny rippling droplets of sea hydrate the pores of your skin. Where you find the forests, run through and get yourself lost in the trees. Capture the magic that you find in the air. Look for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that comes in between the rain and breaking sunlight. Sketch imaginary dreams in the blue sky. Close your eyes. Live in the present, in the moment.

Pay attention to the inner dialogue, that little voice speaking inside your heart. Be one with your mind and soul. Be it rain or shine, let the weather wash away your anxieties. Let the gushing sound of streams in the waterfall filter out your emotions.

One of my Getting Lost excursions. (Photo credits to Alicia Ai Leng)

Drive somewhere you have never set foot before. Head out to the beach in the morning; slowly tread along the shores in your bare feet, and feel the waves brush gently between your toes. Head to the hills in the evening and find a little spot where you can get a good view of the sunset. Turn the light breeze into music as it orchestrates over your ears.

Grab hold of Mother Nature, and never let go. Permit yourself the luxury of freedom. It is best to travel without planning the day. Let life happen as it should.

Life gets in way with what we are occasionally; it has us chasing after several things that we wish could be ours – but are not, unfortunately. Normally we forget who we are in the process; we imprison ourselves in our own rigmaroles and deny ourselves the meaning of life. Like auto-generated assembly lines we operate tediously from dusk to dawn. Every single interaction with another human being becomes programmed by rules and instructions set by society. We arrive home flustered, exhausted, and frustrated.

The solution? Get yourself lost.

My Getting Lost excursions are kind of memorable. The last time I got lost, I hiked up a hill filled with waterfalls. The trail was steep and slippery, but I managed to climb all the way up. I had fun on my own in the gushing currents. On the way down, I met a furry little kitten who was fending itself from nasty babboons. What did I do? Well, I picked him up and carried him down to the foot of the hill, chasing those monkeys away in the process. I even had lunch with him; I watched as he munched at the burger I bought him. That was just one of my excursions.

What about yours – why not go somewhere new, away from the world today? Find your Narnia; it could even be simply at your backyard.

Breaking free! This is how I express myself. (Photo credits to Alicia Ai Leng)

Okay, okay. Really sorry for the abbreviation, because I rarely use them in my writing (it is just not my etiquette), but guess what: You only live once. Romance. Risks. Life and death situations. Fight-or-flight. Or the other way round. Shame. Attitude. Opportunities. Courage. Determination. It is worth the risk. So take it, god damn it.

This is just a simple little life project of mine, some scheduled before I get married, some scheduled before I think I want to die. I am an expressionist when it comes to art and things like these; I believe in self-expression. I am always wanting to go beyond what I think I can do and do as much as I can, with the time I have in hand. I am always on the lookout for opportunities, spreading out my dendrites bare naked to really savor the sweet fruits of work.

Life happens, of course, and there is going to be a teeny-weeny little switch in the way things are every now and then. You just got to adapt.

Just like me and my best friend, partner in crime for life, and love. He said time will tell, and as time ticked by the minutes, he awakened my soul. His existence brought a whole new level of experience to me, incorporating more actions and deep thoughts about sharing beautiful times. Making me think seriously, how do I want to do what I want to do tomorrow? With whom?

Below is my list:

I want to express myself through music, writing, the eclectic arts, and the sciences.

I want to dance in the rain.

I want to fly with or without wings.

I want to bungee-jump off the mountains in New Zealand.

I want to travel around the world.

I want to explore the earth like a wanderlust.

I want to sky-dive.

I want to climb the highest mountain in the Himalayas.

I want to dive around beautiful Grecian islands in the Mediterranean.

If there is an expedition to Pluto, I want to go too.

What he calls the Rock-Star Personality, because I am always, always wanting to do anything and everything right away. But he wants me to sit and wait for the moment to happen, because he really, really wants to come along with me. And I want him to come along with me, too. I feel kind of sad when we do not do something together. It is just the way I feel. Some parts of life can be so hard, but the thing is we will survive. These are beautiful times.

The only drawback is the fact that right now I am kind of confined to my studies, but only for a little while. I hope everyone will be a little patient and hold on, because my journey has not ended yet. From a positive perspective, I sense a lot of excitement in the air. The vibes are vibrating vigorously between the particles; a whole aura of happiness is beaming between the neutrons and protons, the charges canceling each other out because of the equilibrium, thus making the charge positive. Sometimes it is too positive I cannot hide… but wait! I got stuff to do which will be done soon enough, so please, please, please be patient with me, and be good.

At times when it rains so bad the roofs start shaking, I want to go out and dance in the rain. I want to get wet, so wet that I am drained. I want to jump off the cliff even, and fall so freely there is nothing to do except living in the moment. I want to shake, and shake, and shake it all. I want to break free, and experience life right now, right as it is. The Blitzkreig, with its natural warring attitude-that I want to fight along also. And I do not care, because these make me feel so fulfilled.

Do I look like I have won a battle in my dreams or something? (Photo credits to Ekamil Razali)

At times I find myself blungeoning deep down into the abyss of deeply-crested emotions. My self is lost, fully submerging into an array of resounding heartbeats that pierce through the ear canal with as much pitch as the sound of gunshot. As I descend, countless questions bombard my existence, some so easy I could simply hurl them back wherever they came from, some so difficult they nearly crush me with all their weight.

In all the mania of drama, yes, I am in reality, hurt. Tired of the predispositions I have been placed in. For no one knows not what I long for. There exists this consistent battle between the silent heart and the beautiful mind. Sometimes, the heart wins; sometimes, the mind. Sometimes the heart and mind find a way to work together amicably, amidst all battle – and that, I tell you, that is a very funny thing.

Which is so because they have to please the Soul, a wondrous piece of art, mere atoms framed synchronously in position. For the body is to live.

And when this occurs, gallant music orchestrates out from within the Chambers of Life, through the arteries, all the way up to the Pineal Gland, where the Soul sits. His Eyes gaze forbiddingly, as if he had been forced to wait for the answers for too long. His Ears catch the first notes of violin softly humming from far below. Slowly, gradually, the harmony echoes through the empty space of flesh and blood, filling the entire abode of humanity. As if the battle has been won. It has, in its own way.

There is something carefree about today’s rock music, something useful, energetic, which could push one off limits. The catchy tunes invigorates the self and refreshes the spirit. While you bang the drums and hit the beats… I hit the keyboards. It is my DJ mixer. I play out the notes on that apparatus, letter by letter. I definitely will make it through the night.

Yes, you want to accomplish something – so why not just do it. It is much better that way, isn’t it? Rather than agonizing over the thoughts, feelings, and emotions of it, which have the high possibility of transforming a perfect human being into a suicidal psychotic, simply get into the habit of actually accomplishing it.

It is your own initiative, your own choice. You yourself know the things you have done before, the situations that you have gone through, and you are able to decide. I am anyhow a little drunk over my music and writing – I have had too much of it, and it shall not stop yet.

The least you can accomplish from your mission is a it of wisdom. You’ll never know.

Even this monkey is contemplating on the future. (Photo Credits to Alicia Ai Leng)

No, not quite. It is a source of energy that fuels our motives; but it certainly is not black and it is not slippery, and it is not pumped out from the rich earth below.

Do you realize how everyday I wake up to this realization, deciding that this is it, the very thing that keeps me going – because my life is not going to last, but my deeds will.

So will the rest of the people I know: Friends and family and whoever else I find dear to my heart. They are worthy of the smile you give them everyday, of the hearty laughter you share with them, and of the care you shower them with.

To accept the fact, however dreary it seems, with an ever tolerant spirit, brings the joy in me. Yes, life is not perfect; it is not a complete bed of roses. But knowing that it does not last settles me with the reason to treasure every moment of it.

Some past research which really got extremely serious in the end, into the matter itself, yielded in some pretty horrific results. It provided a lot of insight into Death and all that is associated with it. And that, gathered with all the hard facts and statistics revolving around that data, as well as the play of life events that take place before my very eyes, is more than enough to make me who I am presently.

The knowledge, or rather the awareness, that you and I will one day vanish into the ethereal, is what keeps us going. Just that sometimes we are too busy to notice.

Past midnight; really early, and it is a little more than a half-moon tonight. A glass of chocolate caramel sits melting away patiently beside my books.

Thoughts scurry along the intricate wires of the charging station, awaiting their turn to be discharged to outside air. Boxes of conciousness containing unspoken words swoosh along the neural tracks.

As I wade through the blurry pool of dreams, thoughts, fantasies, and feelings, and aims and goals, some left hanging unfinished, a few pleasant, and others with various degrees of disgust, my Chamber of Life pumps blood throughout my body. Upon my exit from the very first box, an array of bullets are directed towards me.

Photo Credits to Alicia Ai Leng.

My shield.

I am fortunate to have it on for some form of protection, though it is still in steady, albeit gradual, growth. At present, it is creeping upwards over my skin – one day it shall, with absolute certainty, envelope the whole of my physique and engulf me in the Flames of the Moment.

In the sepulchral silence where I now stand, the Chambers of Life thumping ever so diligently bringing full-Blood zest to the exercise of all my wont. My heart is still with overflowing zeal, for the eagerness of exploration to as high up and as deep down shall experience some form of continuation in my journey through the earth.

That the body seeks success and the spirit satisfaction of wisdom I cannot deny. It is through weather-beaten paths the march shall prevail till it reaches the summit of what-not, personal achievements.

The jet sitting in the center of the hall, with all the artillery arranged in rows beside it – that I shall board and take off to greater heights.

One of my 2015 resolutions is to stop using my Facebook like my Twitter, and to use my Twitter like how I am using my Facebook now.

The feeling is hovering in me right exactly where I am writing. It is a surging feeling, almost as if I am high – though I am not. The year is drawing to a close, and 2015 is already waving eagerly at me.

I used to shun resolutions. I used to see and hear of my friends draw out their resolutions; and found them quite silly. I used to even feel like resolutions resembled imaginary barriers to my personal self-improvement. That, however, turned out to be the other way round, a thing of the past.

Setting a resolution is like setting a goal. Perhaps, it might sound like a child’s wishful thinking, but no, it is not. It takes an individual with a higher maturity level to actually freeze whatever that is being and has been done, and begin evaluating and solving some areas in life. Similarly, it is taking a step backwards and telling yourself, “Hey, this can be improved; I just have to do something about it.”

It could be anything you do, and even nothing at all. At times it is best to trash to the bin circumstances you cannot do much about, instead of hog at it all day. Just allow your own mindfulness and self-awareness to seep directly into the very pores of your light. Have the wisdom of taking different roads, and keep on track.

Making resolutions. (Photo credits to Alicia Ai Leng)

Imagine the inner peace that comes along when you have set your direction. You do not have to waste time making unnecessary turns. You would not have to end up banging your head on the wall, however accidentally – or even make merry-go-rounds to get to what you want and need. You go one straight line, simply because you know where you are headed. It may be a fast trip down the road, or an incredibly long journey towards the core of the earth, but it is going to minimize a lot of unwanted situations.

And the sense of fulfilment and satisfaction, the Eureka moment, is a wonderful by-product of alleviated emotions.

Do recall to include #StayHappy and #KeepPositive into your list, anyway.

Utilize your emotions with a little bit of wisdom; that definitely would not hurt, would it.

No, no, I am not a superstar… at least not yet. That I profess. It is still a long road to travel.

As much as I am, I am not. It is a matter of self-control, not entirely suppression. It is a matter of selective demonstration. In other words, mindfulness.

Being aware of what the self is up to – it really could be just about anything. An enormous wave of silence is extremely helpful in such periods of self-discovery. Oh well, since I mentioned self-discovery, I view life as one endless Self-Discovery Channel, which one could switch back and forth to refresh the mind and hopefully gain some form of experience from it.

I know I laugh a little too much – a bit awkward – but that was only my release, you know.

I know I kind of cry too, at times; that was another way for me to release. Just in case you have not noticed, but of course you have not.

Whatever I have done, it is only human that I did so. It has been a hell lot of fun watching each chapter unfold on its own. However, all of nature allows that even the strongest mind – and heart – will face a load of bricks hurling straight at his thoughts and smashing them and shattering them to a thousand pieces. And all the poor soul must do, of course, is break down and pour out seemingly endless streams of tears from the corners of the eyelids.

Nature permits release of emotions in subtle ways; why else would there be several facial muscles, twitching all together at once, to put up that sweet smile on that pretty face, and thence light up the world around.

There also is Anger, and Pain, and Hurt, and Jealousy – but the mind shall choose as it pleases what it wishes to display.