Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I just don't feel like myself when I don't write. There is something so therapeutic about writing, at least for me. It is a way to take all of the thoughts and feelings that I have and put them down where I can read them in black and white. A place where I can examine the words and understand a little bit more about what they mean and how I feel.

I have had a lot of changes in my life the last several months. So what else is new, right? But some of the changes have really made me stop and think about who I really am and what path my life is supposed to take. Even at the age of 42, I still don't feel like I have life figured out. Maybe I never will.

Over the past 6 months, I have had to learn how to be a full-time working mom again. This transition has not been easy. The guilt I have felt about not being here for my kids has been powerful. Sometimes all consuming. I feel like even though they are not little kids that I am still abandoning them in some way. I am no longer here when they come home. I am no longer available for them during the day. If they forget lunch money, oh well. If they forgot their homework, too bad. The worst part is knowing that my youngest is home every single day for several hours after school until someone else gets home. I realize that he is not a baby, but I just hate that I am not here. The other side to the guilt is the fact that even when I am here, I am so emotionally and physically drained that I am no good as their mother even when I am home. I hate it. I really need to find some kind of balance in my life. I long for it.

It is kind of funny because I remember having such a struggle 19 years ago when I quit working to stay at home and raise my kids. I REALLY struggled the first several months. I had been working full time since I was 16 years old and to all of a sudden be a stay-at-home mom was a shock to my system. There were times when I would sit and cry because I just wanted to get out of the house and have a break so bad I couldn't stand it. There were months when I really wanted to go back to work. After a while I settled in and realized that being home was where I wanted and more importantly needed to be. I always figured I would go back to school at some point and start working again, but that seemed so far away. Now here I am working again and wishing I could go back to staying home. Why is it the grass always seems to be greener on the other side?

I am hoping that I will settle into a working routine again soon and that the guilt will subside. I know we need the extra income and I know I have student loans that need to be paid off, so I will somehow make it work. I think that it won't be so bad if I could just figure out how to work less hours each week. Work has consumed my life to the point where I have no life besides my work. It is all encompassing and I miss having a life outside of my job. I have literally worked 6-7 days a week since August. I am frustrated. I am burned out.

The other part of the changes in my life is what I like to refer to as "family drama". I won't mince words here: family drama sucks! Besides the fact that work is consuming me, I have had to deal with this roller coaster of emotions on the family drama train and I really need off the ride. As horrible as it sounds, I just don't have it in me to play the games and to be sucked into the drama that has been created by a really stupid situation. Life is too short to be in a constant state of upheaval and drama. I just don't want any part of it. I would rather wash my hands of the situation and move on then to play into the drama and the games. It may sound harsh, but I just cannot continue to be hurt over and over again. At some point enough is enough. The lies have to stop. The talking about each other behind each others backs needs to end. Holding onto the past and bringing it up over and over needs to quit. Oh, and by the way, just for the record, I am not the person I was at age 12, or 15, or even age 30. None of you have gotten to know me in many, many years, so please do not make assumptions about who I am or what I may or may not feel or be thinking. You really don't even know me, and you have chosen NOT to know the real me. You know a person who you think I was many years ago, not the person I am today.

Whew! That was a lot of unloading! I guess that is what happens when you keep so much bottled up inside for such a long period of time.

I realize that everything I wrote is just for me. It won't benefit anyone else, but boy does it feel good to let it out.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Wow! How is it even possible that I haven't uttered a single word on my blog since July? There have been so many times that I wanted to write. Honest! I have had so many thoughts and feelings running through this brain of mine and sometimes the only way to get them out and to make sense of it all is to write it down. It just seems that no matter how hard I tried to find a minute or two to write, I just didn't have the time. Finishing up my ELED degree and starting a new job kind of kicked my butt the last few months.

2012 is here! I can hardly believe it. The whole holiday season went by and it never felt like the holiday season one bit. I wish it had. I miss the days of getting so excited to pull out the decorations, set up the tree, and wrap all of the gifts to put underneath it. This year I didn't even want to set up a tree at all! In the end, my middle son made sure that the tree and a few decorations were put up.

Christmas was fun. My kiddos were spoiled much more this year than in the past few. Things financially have been so difficult for us since our horrible, horrible 2009-2010 experiences. Honestly, I would just like to forget that those two years ever took place. Unfortunately for us, we will have a constant reminder of those years while we continue to put the pieces back together. Sigh. Oh well, things are definitely looking up for 2012!

Highlights of 2011

I lost 36 lbs. WAHOO! Stress and watching what I eat played a large role in that. In 2012, I want to lose 4 more pounds and start running again :)

No major surgeries or injuries to report from anyone in my household! It's a MIRACLE!

I FINALLY, yes, FINALLY graduated with my Bachelors in Elementary Education with an ESL endorsement!!! It seems surreal, but I did it!!! And, can I brag for just a minute? I will be graduating with a 3.9 cumulative GPA. It was a lot of hard work, but worth it.

I got my first teaching job. I get to teach 25 fifth graders each and every weekday :) Sometimes I think that they teach me more than I will ever teach them.

My hubby got a new job assignment that puts him home more. Which is great because with the hours I am working right now, I could use all the help I can get around the house and with the kiddos!

My oldest son started college! HOORAY! I have been hoping for 2 years that he would start and he finally did!

We didn't move! You would have to understand how many moves we have had over the years to know how fabulous that truly is! It was so nice to stay put! We will actually celebrate 2 years in our home in March. Gotta love that! If we can make it passed 3 years and 4 months here, that will be the longest I have EVER lived anywhere in my ENTIRE life! Yes. True.

Those are just a few of the highlights that I can think of. I am sure that there are many, many more. 2011 was definitely an improvement over the two prior years and so here is hoping 2012 will be even better!!!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Wow! It has been a while since I have updated. It isn't because I don't want to, or because I don't have anything to say. Believe me, I always have something to say. I have just been so busy with school and with getting ready for the school year to start, that I haven't actually taken the time to sit down and write.

Today in my Sunday School class, the lesson was on Service. The feeling you get from helping someone else with no expectations in return is pretty great. As I pondered the lesson, I thought of a feeling that is even greater than serving others. What is it? Well, I think the most satisfaction I have ever had from the gift of service is when I witness my own children doing it. Watching them give freely of their time and helping others is a feeling like no other.

A couple of weeks ago my son was driving by a girl who was stranded on the side of the road. She had her hood up and was standing there looking lost. He stopped and asked her if she needed help. At first she said she didn't. He asked her if she was sure that she didn't need help. Well, come to find out this girl had just moved here from out of state. She is getting ready to start college and doesn't know anyone in town. She had run out of gas and did not have anyone she could call for help. She also did not have any money to put gas in her tank. My son took her and used his own money to fill her tank. As they were standing there filling the tank, the girl started to cry. She said that the following day was her birthday and that this was the best birthday gift that she could ever hope for. She was touched by my son's generosity and by the fact that he was willing to help a stranger.

My son has no expectations for repayment of the gas. He just sincerely wanted to help someone who was in a bind and needed help. This isn't the first time he has done something like this. As a mom, when you see your children do unselfish things and give the gift of service whether it be to someone they know and love, or to a complete stranger, it makes you stop and think that maybe, just maybe somewhere along the way you have done something right as their mother.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Why does a body like that have to be SO hard to have after the age of 40? *SIGH*

Okay, so I may never look like that, but at least I can get my body into shape, right? Diet, exercise, and discipline.

All I want is to feel good and to be able to run again! I have been dealing with plantar fasciitis for a while now and so there has been NO running for me :( I think I am FINALLY ready to start up again though. As long as I take it slow and don't over train, hopefully I will be able to run my favorite 10K race again this Fall!!! That is the plan :) :) :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

At first I thought I was going to write a poem. Then I decided that I would just write all the memories I could think of that were tied to this childhood home. Maybe someday I will take the list and make a poem, or write a story. For now the random list will do. They are in no particular order. I just wrote down what came to mind as it came to mind.

901 W 1400 N

Light Blue Ford

Gold Mustang

The Ericksen's

Jay

Bell

Jennie

Matt

Baby Bryan

Barefeet

The Hones

Picking dandelions

Finding ladybugs by the stream

Searching for four leaf clovers

Sledding down derby hill

Biking down derby hill

Gene Elliot Dance Studio

Lions Park

Miniature Golf Course

Candy from the Golf Shack

Nortons

Hawkins

Grandview Hill

Grandview Elementary

Week Day Primary

Getting my first bike

Learning to ride a bike without training wheels

Riding Bikes

Getting stitches

Bandit

Scruffy

Tiger

Big Blue Station Wagon

Blue Toyota Corolla Wagon

Orange Truck

Running through the sprinklers

Calling on the phone to find out the outside temperature

Playing dress up

The red lace dress

The light blue lace dress

Playhouse

Birthday parties

Clothes hanging on the line to dry

Camping at Deer Creek

Fishing

Heber Creeper

Sandbox

Geneva Park

Geneva Steel

Starting Kindergarten

Mrs. Hawkins

Starting 1st Grade

Miss Webb

Starting 2nd Grade

Shag carpet

Deer Jerky

Big Wheels

Riding inchworm

Hippity Hops

Homemade wood stilts

Dr. Nance

Dr. John

The Christmas House

Nanette’s Beetle

Donny Osmond

Purple socks

GI Joe

Lone Ranger

Tonto

Sunshine Family

Climbing the lattice arch on the patio

The Dunns

The Olsens

The Clarks

Hotel Balderdash

Santa Clause delivering gifts

Perfection

Superfection

White fireplace

Crystal Swag Lamps

Rubber Boots

Polaroids

Turquoise Jumpsuit with Red Zipper

Baby Sister

Dad's Guitar

Pleather Furniture

July 4th Parade at BIC Building

The "Limp"

Grandma moving from Colorado

Downtown JC Penney

New Kitchen Window

Losing my best friend to Orem

New neighbors

St. Bernards

I realize this list means nothing to anyone else but me. It was pretty fun to see how many things I could think of from SO LONG ago :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Is it Summer? Really? I think I have forgotten what the FUN days of Summer are supposed to be! Last Summer was spent dealing with Jake's head injury. Time in Primary Children's. Back and forth for check ups after he was released from the hospital, and trying to get settled in our new home. There was no vacation. No down time. No fun.

This Summer isn't much different. I have been so busy getting ready to teach 5th grade next year that I haven't had time to do anything fun. Nada. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.

To top it off, I only have 12 short days of freedom left before I am back attending another class at the college. Then I will be trying to get ready for next school year while doing homework and attending class. What kind of a Summer is that? Not much of one!

I find life a bit funny right now. You see, my FAVORITE thing to do is travel. I love leaving town and exploring other places. . .wanna know something sad? I haven't been on any kind of vacation (short or otherwise) since January 2009. What is up with that? HECK, I haven't even left the city I live in for an overnight trip of any kind since I went to the scrapbook expo in March! What the? Man, my life is BORING!

I think I am feeling a bit antsy. I wish I had the time and the resources to take off and do something fun. We used to try and take a family vacation of some sort every year. We haven't done that in so long that I think my kids have forgotten what a family vacation is!!!

Oh well, enough of the pity party. I must remember to be thankful for what I have and not worry about what I don't have. Right? Right!

I think I must be getting a little stir crazy. Too much time working and not enough time playing. It will all be worth it after I graduate in December. Right???