Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...

Ride sharing site Uber has launched a global assault on the
food delivery market. How lazy have we gotten when we can’t even jump into our
own cars anymore to drive down to the nearest McDonald’s to pick up a couple
orders of McNuggets?

A Chinese drone maker has introduced a drone that can be
controlled with a smartphone. The only problem has been the drones crashing
when people get mixed up when flying their drone while also trying to capture a
Charizard.

California Prop. 60 would impose mandatory condom use on
porn stars. The only bad part is when people are watching porn that they think
is geared towards their Gladiator fantasies when it only turns out to be an
appearance by the Trojan Man.

California Prop. 60 would impose mandatory condom use on
porn stars. Which will bring on a whole new meaning to the film industry when
the director yells out “That’s a wrap!”

California Prop. 60 would impose mandatory condom use on
porn stars. Although that means the worst job on the set of a porn movie will
be for the person who has the title of Wardrobe Assistant.

Dancers have filed a lawsuit over a new Louisiana law
requiring strip club performers to be at least 21. Mostly because that is the
age many strippers are actually looking to retire to spend more time at home
with their four kids.

Dancers have filed a lawsuit over a new Louisiana law
requiring strip club performers to be at least 21. Mostly because strippers are
upset they will miss out on their prime years of earning potential between the
ages of 15 and 19.

A group called MGTOW or Men Going Their Own Way has sprung
up for men who have sworn off relationships with women. Hasn’t that already
been around for years? It’s called Silicon Valley.

A group called MGTOW or Men Going Their Own Way has sprung
up for men who have sworn off relationships with women. Didn’t that used to be
called the Hairdressers Union?

A group called MGTOW or Men Going Their Own Way has sprung
up for men who have sworn off relationships with women. Apparently it tends to
attract a lot of men who are good with their hands.

Dating website Beautiful People is set to open a club in Los
Angeles which will be open only to good looking people. Which defeats the whole
purpose of going to a bar where the more alcohol is served, the better everyone
looks.

The Swiss town of Solothurn pays a yearly salary of $24,000
to the person they hire to be the local hermit. The person who was just hired
will find out that living alone isolated in the Swiss Alps really puts the
“solo” in Solothurn.

The Swiss town of Solothurn pays a yearly salary of $24,000
to the person they hire to be the local hermit. Or as we call someone in the
U.S. making $24,000 a year to live alone and perform menial tasks, a recent
college graduate

Former Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he will not
seek the office again. Apparently even someone who has survived leading Iran is
tentative about having to eventually meet up with either Hillary Clinton or
Donald Trump.

The World health Organization says 9 of 10 people in the world
are breathing excessive air pollution. Which finally explains what might be the
reason Donald Trump was sniffing through that entire debate.

The World health Organization says 9 of 10 people in the
world are breathing excessive air pollution. The worst part is that in China, the
other 1 in 10 are in better shape when they bypass the dirty air around them by
instead inhaling cigarettes.

Human intestines were found inside a woman’s luggage at an
airport in Austria. The scary part was when a bomb alert was sounded when it
was discovered the last meal to pass through the person’s digestive tract came
from Taco Bell.

The Commerce Department says foreign investors own $32.5
Trillion in American assets. Or as we call those people here, “Suckers!”

The Commerce Department says foreign investors own $32.5
Trillion in American assets. As opposed to American investors whose assets
include countless underwater mortgages, millions of phony Wells Fargo bank
accounts and $19 Trillion in national debt.

Sheryl Sandberg says that Facebook doesn’t control the
media. Which anyone who has watched cable news in the past two years knows she
is right. That ability belongs to Donald Trump.

Sheryl Sandberg says that Facebook doesn’t control the
media. Facebook just controls the market on what people really care about,
meaning selfies, cat videos and what their friends ate for breakfast,

Nielsen says 80 Million people watched the first
presidential debate on Monday. Which means the other 220 Million Americans
weren’t about to give up their usual activities ofplaying Pokemon Go, snacking on the couch or
watching Internet porn.

Absolut Vodka is getting into the business of selling fine
art around the world online. Which having a Vodka company at the controls
finally explains how they can get people to pay $50 Million for a sculpture of
a shoe stuffed into a coffee can.

Tyson has recalled 130,000 pounds of chicken nuggets because
of the possibility of contamination with hard plastic. The only question is how
could anyone tell?

Tyson has recalled 130,000 pounds of chicken nuggets because
of the possibility of contamination with hard plastic. The worst part is that
the hard plastic would actually be the most nutritious ingredient in the
nuggets.

Hundreds of tech firms are giving workers the day off on
election day. Mostly to let their employees be able to get used to the idea of
not coming into work anymore if either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump becomes
President.

A report says Snapchat, WhatsApp and Instagram are
dominating the younger demographic. Mostly because those are the three sites
where young people can post knowing
their parents are stuck only being able to figure out how to use Facebook.

The U.S. is probing possible worker abuse at Wells Fargo.
Which is a lot better than the six years it has taken the government to figure
out how badly the bank has been abusing its customers.

The U.S. is probing possible worker abuse at Wells Fargo.
Apparently instead of paying their workers, they promised them a cut of
whatever was inside the phony accounts they pushed on their customers.

A UK baby boy has become the first person created with the
DNA of three parents. While some people are questioning the ethics involved,
future children will be able to benefit by hitting up yet another parent for
birthday and Christmas presents.

Worries of E.coli contamination have triggered a recall of
beef by Adams Farms in Massachusetts. To which the people at Chipotle are
saying “You can do that?”

A study says too much gaming can lead to social and
behavioral problems. The biggest of which is constantly sitting around all day
gaming.

A study says too much gaming can lead to social and
behavioral problems. Which can personally be attested to by any of the
researchers who were beaten up when they tried to take away the video consoles
from the kids taking part in the study.

Health authorities have declared the Americas free of
endemic measles. And it will stay that way as long as only foreigners are the
ones who can still afford a day at the Disney theme parks.

A doctor on an Air China flight saved the life of a
passenger who was having a seizure by using a spoon and toothpick. Which is
good to see a life was saved just through Netflix exposing a global audience to
reruns of “MacGyver.”

A doctor on an Air China flight saved the life of a
passenger who was having a seizure by using a spoon and toothpick. People just
had one question. Why did the crew have a toothpick and spoon when airlines
haven’t served a meal since 2004?

The Census Bureau says a half million U.S. homes have no
running water, shower or working toilets. Although the people living in those
homes still think it’s an upgrade to just be in a residence that isn’t sitting
on wheels.

A study says exercise speeds seniors’ recovery from
disability. Which is ironic, especially when the disability is a result of
spending their entire life sitting on the couch.

A study says that kids growing up on farms have fewer
allergies. Apparently the best way to avoid hay fever is spending your entire
childhood surrounded by hay.

Concussion diagnoses in teens have reached a record high.
Mostly from kids smacking their heads into walls because they are staring at
their cellphones while running around playing Pokemon Go.

Fox was the top rated cable news channel during the first
presidential debate. Mostly because their viewers enjoyed the effect of turning
down the audio and playing a coughing soundtrack every time it was Hillary
Clinton’s turn to speak.

Tom Brady was reportedly photographed sunbathing nude on a
trip to the coast of Italy. The sad part is how he is going to wish people were
talking about footballs when they associate him with deflation.

Rob Kardashian tweeted Kylie Jenner’s cellphone number.
Jenner was furious, mostly because she instantly started receiving all kinds of
pictures from Anthony Weiner.

A regent at the University of Nebraska wants players who
protest the National Anthem kicked off the team. Apparently he feels they give
a bad name to the students on the team whose only offenses are robberies, DUIs
and failing grades.

Scientists say the Earth’s oxygen levels are declining and
they don’t know why. Which is no big deal since for the next four years, no
matter who wins the election American voters will be holding their nose.

A Youtube channel committed to unusual science experiments
flushed 240 pounds of mercury down a toilet. It would have been a lot easier to
get the same result by going to a sewage plant down the street from the nearest
Red Lobster.

Senators are saying Yahoo’s delay in reporting a hack of 500
Million accounts is “unacceptable.” Apparently Yahoo didn’t want to burden
Congress as it has taken them three years just to investigate a few thousand
e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s private server.

Halloween spending this year is expected to reach a record
$8.3 Billion. When people were asked about the several bags of candy they were
stocking up on at the store, their response was “Halloween?”

Halloween spending this year is expected to reach a record
$8.3 Billion. Mostly because people will have to go a long ways to keep
Halloween the scariest day of the year instead of how frightening things are
looking for election day.

Rudy Giuliani says if he were debating Hillary Clinton, he
would have brought up Monica Lewinsky. Which is no surprise coming from someone
who had no problem when he was New York’s Mayor having his girlfriend move into
Gracie Mansion while his kids were living there and he was still married to his
second wife.

President Obama has nominated the first Ambassador to Cube
in 50 years. The good news is that the new Ambassador can find out about how to
deal with the leader of the country by looking at the notes left behind by the
last one.

Donald Trump has picked up $18 Million in post debate
donations. Most of those earmarked for some NyQuil so he can finally get rid of
those sniffles.

Donald Trump says he pretended he was talking to his family
during the debate. Which made people have sympathy for his kids as every other
word that came out of his mouth was “Wrong!”

Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf has reportedly will forfeit $41
Million he made from the bank’s phony account scandal. Now regulators can look
into other scandals, like why is a bank giving its CEO $41 Million in bonus
money?

Jeb Bush has joined Harvard as a guest lecturer. Apparently
he will be answering the most perplexing question on everyone’s mind. How did
he enter the presidential race with $130 Million in campaign funds and still
lose to Donald Trump?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am now claiming
the title of the most prolific joke writer on the planet. Mostly because the
majority of the other joke writers aren’t even from this Solar System. I crank
out about 50 jokes a day, five days a week with very few breaks. That works out
to around 12,500 jokes a year or more than 1,000 each month. Not only that, but
more than three dozen of those jokes are considered by many to be funny. Now if I could only figure out a way to make
some money out of it. If you have any ideas, just let me know when you take the
time to make sure to keep on always sending the love!