GC asks Adventists to stop drinking Roma as it sounds “too Catholic”

SILVER SPRING, Md. --- The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists is asking members to stop drinking the coffee substitute Roma as the products name "sounds too Catholic."

Tray Poastuhm, a spokesperson for the GC's Department of Interfaith Stonewalling, said the name "Roma" clearly betrayed the drink's roots in Papal Rome and should therefore not form part of a discerning Adventist's pantry.

Poastuhm told reporters that Adventists have a proud tradition of finding substitutes for just about anything, as long as there was an adequate supply of sodium or other equally harmful substance on hand. He encouraged Adventists to use this inventive substitutionary instinct in replacing their Roma jars.

"Let's be clear: We aren't advocating for the use of coffee," said Poastuhm. "But we are urging all Adventist Roma fans to find a substitute for their current coffee substitute pronto."

37 Comments

I’ll pray for you. Please also pray for Deacon Jones. He was in the topless bar again last night. I can prove it; I saw him there personally. Now don’t get the wrong idea. I wasn’t drinking. I was just praying for the dancers and looking for errant deacons. After all, someone has to be there to run them off, or at least make sure they “keep a level eye.” It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it!

Of course I cannot pray for them from home, because it’s important to pray for people by name. So I have to be there in person to pray for them by name, and they have such interesting names like “Pixie,” “Diamond,” “Destiny,” “Bambi,” and “Starr.” (And, as for Deacon Jones, no – he obviously failed to keep a level eye, and I’m praying for him from home.)

THAT IS NOT WHY YOU SHOULD STOP DRINKING “ROMA”. THE FACT THAT IT IS NOT “COFFEE” IS WHY YOU SHOULD STOP DRINKING IT.
YOU CANT JUST BURN ANYTHING, SCOOP UP THE ASHES AND CALL IT COFFEE!! IT’S GOT TO BE THE REAL BEAN MAN. GIVEN THE CULTURE AND THE CONDITIONS, IT WOULD NOT SURPRISE ME IF JESUS ENJOYED A CUP OF JAVA WHILE ON THIS PLANET.

Long ago, for me and my house, we quit eating Roma tomatoes, to divest the taint of RC of from our lives. We no longer say “all roads lead to Rome,” either. At our rooftop Half Size Hand Second Coming observation post beside the telescope and next to the furled welcome banners and in front of our 24 hour per day confessional for the maintenance a spotless record, we do keep a coffee pot brewing. Of course it is decaf. Doesn’t do much to keep our sentry awake, so we import cafeteria food from Union College. It works just like caffeine but without the unholy curse.

I used Google, and all sorts of searching to find even one verse suggesting we should watch for a small hand-size cloud indicating the coming of the Lord. Hmm. My Bible tells me Jesus will come suddenly, as lightening from the east to west. He won’t be slowly sauntering toward us. 1 Thes. 4:16 (a verse we know and love) “For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord.” Sudden and loud. No little approaching cloud. Maybe my tea addled my brain, but I doubt it.

Rev. Barry Black is highly qualified for his appointment to the Supreme Court. He did not go to law school, but he is “close enough” to an attorney (“close enough for government work,” as the saying goes): he grew up watching Ally McBeal and reruns of Perry Mason (not to mention Judge Judy). And he lived through the Johnny Cochran (“if the glove don’t fit, you must acquit”) O.J. trial.

Now, of course, The Bible was compiled and edited from assorted ancient religious texts by the Catholics at the Council of Nicea, that’s how it became The Bible, it was cobbled together by the Catholic Church, so, in keeping with the banning of all things Roma, Adventists have to ban The Bible.

Stop being rebellious, and start staying “. . . where the buffalo Postum.” Sorry if it doesn’t rhyme, but not everything has to rhyme nowadays. (Just ask the rapper who made my hip-hop commercial, which I approved but later declared to be shocking and disgusting.)

Yes, I am awake all you caffeine gulpers. Drank a lot of stuff to keep me awake. Here is my answer. Roma does sound a little like RC. What about changing the name to “TAKOMA”. This way, we can still remember the former GC headquarters so loved by all. Cage free; Range free; No GMO’s; a dash of tofu; a hint of soy; all natural. I get mine at the local Starbucks, but not on the Sabbath. Use 2 lumps of natural sugar. A few squirts of soy half & half. Don’t forget to swallow down some of them Little Debbie donuts. Yummy-yummy–good for your tummy. I’ll drink to that!! Woe iz me all over!!

Hey, Brother Fari See- I got your back. It takes two to tango. So, I am also there to keep an eye on you and Jones and other errant SDA church members. So far, haven’t SEEN anything to bring you up on church discipline charges. I took the beam out of my eye last week. If we all keep a level eye, we won’t be SAD YOU SEE!. Git ‘er done!!

I won’t repeat what he said, but what really happened is: Trump asked Rubio to plan on being his VP running mate. And Rubio said, “Yes, sir! Whatever you say, King Donald!” I’m slowly starting to realize that Donald rules the world and he rules Rubio.

I figured out who Richard Mills is: he is none other than Sevvy. And I figured out who Sevvy is: he is none other than Ted Wilson who moonlights as a satirical blog writer. Who would have known that the GC Prez is “barely Adventist”?

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