We were both 20 at the start of 2016 when we got together, but had been talking on and off for almost two years beforehand with just flirting and great conversations.

For two years running before we were even together, we were each other’s New Years Kisses, the first of which is my first kiss. To this day he is still the only person I have kissed. He was my first for everything.

This was by choice; I had just never met anyone I liked enough or thought would be worth dating. I lived 3 hours away for the first 3 or so months of our relationship as I was studying, he lived in my hometown. I moved back home, but before we hit six months, he asked me to move in with him as he had just bought his place.

Fast forward to the end of 2017, and he sat me down one night at the end of November and said that we didn’t talk anymore and he felt smothered. After a lot of talking and me crying, I asked if he wanted me to move out. He said no. We both went on from there and made an effort to joke around and chat more to each other. I felt like we were happier than ever and in the middle of 2018 he asked if I wanted to buy a house together, I said yes.

We spent a few months looking at houses but wasn’t successful in getting accepted yet. Then, on the 19th of Dec, he sat me down again, almost exactly a year later, and said he felt smothered and we need “some time apart to get excited to see each other again.” Which broke my heart because I got excited to see him every time he came home. He also said things like “we just do the same thing” and “spend too much money.” He asked for space. So I stayed at my mom’s house again, barely heard from him for two weeks but I let him have his space. I would still see him on Snapchat going out to parties and having fun, while I was in turmoil. On the 8th of Dec he asked to “catch up,” and he broke up with me.

He said he still loves me, but he can’t commit and needs to be free to be himself. I said things like “nothing will be the same without you” which he denied, that it will be. He also said he wants to “be apart” instead of using the term “break up.” He said that over the “last couple of weeks we’d drifted apart,” which I hadn’t felt at all. It’s now been just over a month, the first 2-3 weeks he messaged a couple of times asking things like “How are you holding up,” and “hey. How everything”.

On New Year’s Eve(which would have been our 5th one being each other’s New Years Kiss) he asked if I ended up going out, which I did. I asked him not to kiss anyone to which he replied “I’m not planning on it haha,” and I replied “It’s new years, you don’t exactly have to be planning on it,” he only replied, “I’m not lol.” I now haven’t heard from him in 13 days. It’s been a month since we broke up and it feels like it’s getting harder, not easier. I loved his entire family and friends, I was so invested in our relationship and was so happy. I thought he was happy. I feel like I gave him everything and it still wasn’t enough.

I feel empty without him, and barely leave the house, and he’s out every weekend looking like he’s having the time of his life. I suppose I’m asking what your thoughts are on our situation, and I guess if you’d say there’s a chance we’ll end up together? I don’t know what I’m asking really. Just heartbroken. The breakup was so sudden and out of the blue for me, but I suppose I don’t know how long he had been feeling this way as he didn’t talk to me about it until there was nothing I could do to change his mind.

If someone leaves or someone is left by someone, at least one side always gets hurt. First love partner opens the door of love world, and you get to taste lots of things for the first time. When it’s suddenly taken away from you, it’s a shocking pain. As magical as (first) love can seem, it can also be painful. But, first love doesn’t mean it’s true love. That is something you get to discover throughout your life.

From everything you wrote, you two aren’t on the same wavelength. You are waiting for him again while he is living his life. If you need to have a closure conversation with him so you know exactly where you stand at and you don’t ask yourself the same questions all over again, then talk to him. He either wants to be with you, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, it doesn’t matter what kind of words he uses (there could be various reasons why he used certain words). The point is if he broke up then you need to see it that way. In that case, he was a part of your life journey, wish him all the best and tries to move on.

When there are problems in relationships, partners work on them together because they love each other, instead of going away.

If you need to cry – cry if you need to talk – talk, just let it out of your system. But, don’t hold on to something that is not there. You’re partly aware of the situation, but there’s a part of you that’s still hoping in the name of the past and a little bit because of the fear of unknown future. You know, the future can be beautiful more than you can imagine right now.

The feelings you have now will become less intense with time, and you’ll start feeling relief. There will be new people coming into your life. New situations are happening to you. New experiences as a part of your life journey. Love to give and to receive.

Advice: imagine yourself sitting on the highest mountain peak in the world you can imagine. There’s only you and peace around you, clouds, quietness. You are on top of the world. From that peak, you are watching down on yourself in your current situation. Ask yourself what do you see from that peak, how do you see the situation and yourself, what kind of message would you give to yourself.

I hope this helped even a little bit. I know that words cannot remove the pain, it goes away by itself, but they can make it easier for you even for a second.