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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

We made it a year. For the first 12 months every day on the 1st, we would have a "Monthiversary" as F.B. called them. The first 12 months, weren't always easy. There were good times and there were bad times. We talked every day, whether it was through email, online messenger, text messages or the phone. There wasn't a day that we didn't stay in touch somehow. It was amazing, that we were able to stay in touch so well, being so far apart. But we made it work. Despite the distance and time differences, we always made it work somehow. And when we had problems, we talked them out. We still write letters to each other. And on our birthday's & Christmas we send each other gifts. On our 1st Anniversary together, he sent me 12 cards. One for each month we had been together. Still... long distance relationships are tough. We go though all the phases and problems regular couples would have together, yet we are physically apart from each other. Sometimes I miss him so badly. And I know he misses me.

*Whoosh*. I had the worst moment of self doubt there... tell me we're in this for the long run mahal? Cause I don't want to lose you, and I want to know I'll probably be with you someday.... eek.... I gotta run to work. I love you, Sarah

I'm here all the way. I believe in you. I believe in us. I believe that someday we'll meet and be together. Just keep the faith. Remember....."Nothing without faith". Smile, Sarah. No worries. You're in my heart. I love you. F.B.

"Sarah Lynn C." wrote: Hey Mahal, I'm blessed to have guy like you in my life. You're in my heart. It makes me happy to think of you too. I can't stop thinking about you, lol. I'm glad you are in my life. I love you so much. I was thinking about the time I 'thought' I was in love. Well- what we have is different. Because... before, I was never sure or certain about things. With you I'm never not unsure. Because I know you love me. I love you too. I can't explain it- but maybe you understand what I'm talking about. It's just that I am certain about things with you. It's just that I've never felt this way about someone. I've never felt this sure about someone.

Does it ever bother you- that we are so far apart? We speak every day, but sometimes like I said before, it gets lonely. Because I know you are there but all I have is words to work with. It's not like I can get in my car, drive to meet you somewhere. It's not like, I can hold your hand, or hold you, or look into your eyes or even kiss you. All we have are these words... to express ourselves and how we feel. Sometimes, that gets lonely...but at least I can meet you in my dreams.

I wonder what will happen to us in 5 years or so? What do you think? We are bound to meet someday, I think that's pretty much certain, lol. I do think about the future alot. The future, hopefully with you in it and don't get scared, haha, I'm not talking about marriage yet... I'm talking relationship wise. Though of course I think about that sometimes. I think about how nice that would be- if we ever did end up together...forever. Do you know your letter is still in my purse, or that I still look at your picture at night. Silly me, lol. I love you so much, why can't I say that enough? I say it- but I want more. This is so crazy- haha. I must be in love huh? Mahal kita, Sarah

Holy crap! You've been thinking through a lot of things there, Ms. Clydesdale..... I'm happy with what we have. I'm glad I could talk to you through e-mails and stuff. I guess, sometimes it does get lonely when you're wanting a certain someone to be there with you. But those words you share are very important to me. They aren't just words, they're your words. As for the future, I wonder about that too. These little things we're doing are kinda like ways of strengthening our relationship. Who knows, maybe someday..... I gotta get some sleep. Good night, Sarah. Mahal kita.. F.B.

I long for the daythat we finally meetTo stare into your beautiful eyesTo caress your smooth skinTo run my fingers through your silky hairTo hold your soft handsTo kiss your tender lipsTo hear your soothing voiceTo put a smile on your lovely faceTo wrap my arms around youTo make you mineI long for that dayA day that I pray would comeI long for it

Remember that? I posted that at LF a long time ago. Guess to whom it was intended for. Her initials are SLC. You know already? LoL! Actually, I edited one line- the 2nd to the last one. The original had- " A day that may never come" and I just changed it to- " A day that I pray would come". Take care, God bless. I love you, Sarah. -F.B.

F.B. decided once, that we weren't going to say, "Goodbye" on the phone anymore. That we would just say, "I love you." A deal we still keep to this day. Though once in awhile, when I'm rushing, I slip and forget!

Anyway, I was thinking about what you said in the chat thingie just before you left awhile ago. You said "Goodbye", "I'm done"......That kinda made me sad, actually. Though, I knew you didn't mean it in that way and you were stressing out and stuff.....Aw, I'm sorry baby. I wish I was there to comfort you when you're feeling stressed out or blah. Oh, how I wanna give you a hug. It does get hard sometimes. Being so far apart. Sometimes I ask the Lord why it has to be like this. Why the girl I truly love is so far away from me.....*sigh* I miss you baby. I pray that someday we'll be together. You mean everything to me. You're my best friend, my girl, my angel. I love you so much, Sarah. I need you. I was kinda thinking about the whole "Bye" thing. It would be nicer to say "I love you". That would be a nice "thing" for us (my parents have a similar "thing" they don't say bye on the phone). Anyway- It's a deal, Ms. Sarah Lynn Clydesdale. I love you, F.B.

There are hard times in our relationship, when we miss each other terribly. I use all of these emails and letters to tell our story, because it's better to see them expressed in our own words.

No need to be sorry. You're just being real.....being you. I love you for that. You know I'll listen to you anytime. I miss you too. But I tend to focus on the good things about our relationship. Ya know- the faith that we share, the knowledge that there's someone out who cares and prays for me, the inspiration you give me, etc. Just thinking about it makes me happy. Thinking about you makes me happy. That's why I feel sad when I hear you're sad. If only I could be there right this moment- I would.....just to put a smile on your face.

You're the one person I've been the most open to. Trust me when I say that. It's just that, I'm not really that good in expressing my feelings verbally probably cuz of my shyness. I am the "quiet boy" after all. LoL! It's like I said before, it's easier to type stuff cuz you got time to think things through. But all the things I tell you are honest and come from the heart. I trust you. I want you, Sarah. I want to be with you. I wanna be there for you. To make you smile, to make you happy, to be "the one" for you, to be your "everything". I pray for all of those things....cuz I love you. "Love is patient" Smile, Sarah. No worries. I miss you. I love you. F.B.

I remember when we talked on the phone awhile ago, you asked- "Am I too deep?" and I said "No"......I mean- you are deep, but not "too deep". Ya know.....I understand that you get emotional and thoughtful sometimes cuz that's who you are. You're just being honest, being real. I love that about you. And you know that I'll be here to listen. You could always lay them down on me.

My hopes would be to graduate from college and meet you someday, my dreams would be to be "the one" for you, my strength would be you cuz you make me happy and you make me wanna be a better person, and my weakness would mainly be my shyness. I'm not that good in expressing my emotions. I mean, it's easier to write or type stuff. Writing is you, no doubt. I mean, just reading your e-mails.....Wow! It's one of those things that I admire about you. And writing's pretty much what keeps us in touch. And your writing was what first drew me to you. It kinda brought us together. Smile, Sarah. No worries. I miss you. I love you. *mwah* F.B.

SARAH: You seem quiet or preoccupied today. are you sleepy?FB: Not reallySARAH: Thoughtful?FB: KindaSARAH: Sleepy or thoughtful?FB: ThoughtfulSARAH: Whatcha thoughtful about?FB: YouSARAH: Elaborate... that can mean alot of things, lol.FB: I'm just thinking how I love you so muchSARAH: But..... how you miss me so much?FB: That too....and thinking of the first time we'll ever meetSARAH: Are you scared? Okay... nervous sounds better, lolFB: Yeah, that was what I was gonna say. LoL!SARAH: Well... I mean I'm scared... haha. I'm scared it's going to be very awkward.FB: Well, it would be our first time to see each other in person....so I guess, that'd be normalSARAH: I wanna be with you.FB: I wanna be with you tooSARAH: If I could give everything up, and leave everything behind. I would. But somehow I know it's not the right time yet... and that bothers me....FB: mmmmm hmmmmmSARAH: uh huh.... that's all you can say? LOLFB: I'll wait for you.SARAH: For me? I'm waiting for you.. LOLFB: cool.SARAH: Mr. needs to graduate. 3 more years, 3 more years, 3 more years.......FB: Yep.SARAH: I'm just here... lol. But you need to finish school. So mostly... it's me waiting for you.FB: Wait for me then.SARAH: I'll always wait for you F. I wanna be with you. I'm just going to need to learn alot of patience, if I want to be with the one person that's most important to me.FB: I love you.SARAH: I love you too.FB: Love is patient. haha!SARAH: I know, lol. But it's not easy. It may be patient. But it didn't say it wouldn't be hard, lolFB: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveresSARAH: I love you... you are so good for me... you are so good to me... I'm so blessed...FB: We're both blessed to have each otherSARAH: And I don't want to let you go, or ever lose you. It's not like I can go back to the way things used to be- cuz you'resuch a part of my life.FB: I'm not going anywhereSARAH: Neither am I. I love you F.FB: I love you too

Sometimes were harder than others. We had moments of self doubt and insecurities. When you're in a relationship with someone for so long, yet you haven't been with them physically, there is always going to be doubts and insecure feelings....

I do miss you baby. And I do worry about things. It’s true though that I’m not that emotional. I'm sorry I disappoint you sometimes. But I do feel the things that you do too. I guess it’s just that sometimes I’m not really that good with words. But I do worry about us, cuz I care about you and I wanna be with you. I wanna be the one for you. Ya know, sometimes I think “what if we met and Sarah didn’t like me”. I think about that a lot cuz ya know me, I’m insecure…Do you still love me baby? I love you, F.B.

Ya know, sometimes I feel like I could never be the man for you. Though I know I’d want to. I dunno…I guess sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough for you. I wanna be perfect for you but I just can’t and I hate myself whenever I upset you. I mean, I’ve done that a number of times already and it’s just not a good feeling. Sometimes I wonder why you love me so much or why you spoil me so much. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve that. But I want it baby. I want your love. I need it…I need you. -F.B.

We confided secrets in eachother. We told eachother things we would never tell anyone else. And we talked and discussed things when they were on our mind. We always supported eachother and we were always there for each oother through the hard times. The best part of our relationship, is that we understand eachother. We get eachother. F.B. is the positive attitude to my negative attitude. We complete eachother in someway.I need you... I can't let you go, I can't give you up, I love you so much, and you're so important to me. You complete me in some way... and I don't think I'll ever find someone else that makes me feel they way you do, or someone that treats me the way you do, someone that makes me feel special, and who loves me so much. Someone I get along with, and someone I trust, and someone I can be silly with... lol. I love you, Sarah

I got home earlier than usual cuz of that dean's lister's assembly thing during the afternoon. I didn't go though. Ya know me, I don't like going to social stuff like that. And people were bugging me asking why I didn't go...I just don't want to. They don't understand. But you do baby. You really do. You just understand my dorky ways and me being a quiet boy. And you love me despite all that. I'm a lucky guy. I love you, F.B.

You gave me the heart thing this morning, when you said I understand you. I do understand baby. I don't like big social gatherings. I am okay with small groups of family or friends. But I feel self conscious and funny and anti social and shy in large groups or gatherings. I don't like parties so much. I would rather stay at home sometimes, then attend a party or anything like that... I feel out of place. You're right. Why don't people understand? Why do they feel like they have to drag you into the middle of it all? It's like they feel sorry for us. Like we are missing out on something?! But I don't feel sorry, because I honestly don't have fun at parties. I don't enjoy them... I just feel overwhelmed. I don't like having to be "on" I like to zone out, lol... and not have to be social all the time.

I was thinking... this morning, how before in my life... I always went for guys (or had a crush on guys.) who were the outgoing center of attention type... but that always made me feel like crap! (Why did I do that to myself!?) Because all I wanted to do was sit on the sidelines. And that's what I did, just sit, watching them have fun.... while I was all alone with no one, and it sucked and it hurt bad. But then I met you... and you understand me too baby. And I would rather have someone sit on the sidelines with me, holding my hand and being with me. Then having some obnoxious outgoing guy that goes off in the crowd and leaves me all alone to be by myself. That's not what I want. I want you. I want to hang back in the crowd, and sit off by ourselves, being our shy anti-social selves, lol! Because we will always have eachother. And when we are feeling insecure we will have eachother's hands to hold, and eachother's ears to whisper in, and eachother's company. And that's all I want. I want you. I need you in my life. *mwah* I love you, Sarah

I gave you the heart thing eh. That's nice to know baby. It's always good knowing I still do that to you. You do understand me baby. You know I'm not the type to go to social stuff and parties and stuff like that. You're right, I just don't enjoy stuff like that. And it just feels weird when you're in some place you really don't want to be in. Some people just don't understand that. Sometimes my family doesn't understand that either. But they know I'm the shy guy...Anyway, I'm glad I can share these things with you baby. I do trust you. And like I said before, I feel like I can tell you just about anything. I love you Sarah. -F.B.