Was the White House thinking the girls would compare manicures or something? No time to dwell on that, because JEEZUSSS, that joint press conference was brutal!

Ich habe die besten Worte!

Trump got the ball rolling by alluding to Chaos Monkey Julian Assange’s 2013 revelation that the NSA was listening to Chancellor Merkel’s phone conversations. If you think the Divine Miss M didn’t know damn well that EVERYONE SPIES ON EVERYONE, well, you keep writing those letters to Santa Claus. But here on Planet Earth, it’s like pooping: We all do it, but there’s no need to talk about it in public.

As far as wiretapping, I guess, by this past administration, at least we have something in common perhaps.

HOLY TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL, BATMAN! Did you just compound a major political gaffe with your FoxNews conspiracy bullshit? Are you just trolling us now?

Liegt am Handel

Then it was on to some arglebargle about the U.S.-German trade relationship.

Right now, I would say that the negotiators for Germany have done a far better job than the negotiators for the United States. But hopefully we can even it out. We don’t want victory, we want fairness. All I want is fairness.

Germany has done very well in its trade deals with the United States, and I give them credit for it, but — and I can speak to many other countries. I mean, you look at China, you look at virtually any country that we do business with. It’s not exactly what you call good for our workers.

Let me give you a quick second to Google “U.S. Germany trade deal”….

HAHA!!! Fooled ya!

We don’t have any trade deals with Germany. Germany is a part of the E.U. and does not negotiate any unilateral trade deals. Mr. President, might I suggest that you visit the website of the U.S. Trade Representative or the Department of State, both of which fall under YOUR OWN GODDAMN EXECUTIVE BRANCH, for a more in depth explanation. (Spoiler Alert: T-TIP is a trade agreement, not a tool to clean your ears.)

In fact, Germany is our fifth largest trading partner, and Germans buy more than 10% of Alabama, South Carolina, and Connecticut’s exports. But let’s definitely threaten to start a trade war with them! Smooth!

NATO ist keine Mafia!

Trump went on to mischaracterize NATO as some kind of protection racket.

I reiterated to Chancellor Merkel my strong support for NATO, as well as the need for our NATO allies to pay their fair share for the cost of defense. Many nations owe vast sums of money from past years, and it is very unfair to the United States. These nations must pay what they owe.

And, just in case anyone missed it, he followed up on Twitter this weekend.

Despite what you have heard from the FAKE NEWS, I had a GREAT meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Nevertheless, Germany owes…..

And here, in a couple of Tweets, is EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG WITH THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. Wrong on the facts, uninterested in the longterm policy goals, treating every relationship like a business transaction, and pissing off allies so that they are less likely to do what we want.

Is there ONE COMPETENT PERSON in the entire White House who could possibly explain to our dipshit leader how NATO funding works before he spews this nonsense on national television?!?!?!?

Okay, FINE. I’ll do it!

NATO is directly funded by contributions from member states. Here, have a chart.

Germany, a country of 82M, funds 14% of NATO operations. The U.S., a country of 320M, funds 22%. So, who’s the moocher here?

Operating on the principal that the world is more stable if each country invests in its own military, NATO members are supposed to spend 2% of their own GDP on their own national defense. In fact, only five countries meet the target for this indirect funding. But Germany is raising its defense spending by 8% per year and will hit the indirect spending target by 2024. Well, that’s their plan, anyway. Donald Trump is wildly unpopular in Germany, so his bullying Chancellor Merkel makes it even more difficult for her to get increased defense spending through the German Bundestag. Which would be apparent to anyone with an iota of political sophistication or diplomacy!

Unfortunately, we’re stuck with this cretin.

Germany doesn’t “owe money” to NATO or the United States because they failed to meet indirect funding targets. Indirect funding targets aren’t like Mar-a-Lago dues! Nor is Germany relying on the U.S. for “expensive defense,” there being no military action in that country for three generations now. These are LIES, constantly repeated in the wingnut media, then barfed out by the Ignoramus in Chief. Pretending that the U.S. is some kind of paid bodyguard for the world misses the ENTIRE POINT of NATO. We all benefit from a stable planet which doesn’t descend into a World War every generation.

FUN FACT: The one and only country to invoke NATO’s mutual defense obligation was the United States after 9/11. Thirteen NATO countries, including Germany, sent planes to patrol the skies over the U.S. And they didn’t send us a bill, either.

You know who hates NATO?

THIS GUY.

Because it’s harder to go in and seize parts of small countries when they have standing armies and mutual-defense treaties.

Bitte sprechen Sie lauter, weil ich ein Idiot bin!

Later, Trump disgraced the nation even further by seemingly refusing to shake Mrs. Merkel’s hand during the Oval Office photo session. The assembled press asked for a shot of the two shaking hands, Merkel repeated the suggestion, and Trump apparently ignored her.

I know the tape looks pretty horrible. But as someone who can’t hear shit in a crowded room, I’d like to suggest that Trump actually couldn’t make out what she was saying and just nodded along like the fool that he is. He’d already shaken hands with her twice before their Oval Office photo op.

During the press conference with Shinzo Abe, Trump’s earpiece remained on the dais, but Trump still smiled and nodded along as if he’d understood Abe’s speech in Japanese.

Trump treats handshakes like an arm wrestling dominance game. Refuse to yank the arm of a woman half his size? NFW! Unable to follow the conversation, he nodded along and stared vacantly at the cameras as usual. It seems more likely that Poppy Trump would rather cause an international incident than wear his hearing aids.

Or else he’s a giant asshole. That’s also plausible.

Was wird Morgen passieren?

BUT COULD THERE BE MORE TO THE STORY?

WELL…Juicy details of the leaders’ private, one-on-one meeting haven’t leaked YET. So we’ll have to wait for the inevitable story about Trump’s rant on Freedonian refugees, or Godknowswhatelse. The embarrassment from Friday’s presser and clueless Tweetblather are more than enough for today, TYVM.