Monday, 20 February 2012

I have a wonderful publisher.
When the reviews came in for my comic time travel novel Rowena Through
the Wall, they were everything I could have wanted (oh, the relief!)
However, a common theme started to appear: readers wanted a happy ending
at the end of the first book of the series.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Somebody
tried to sell me a home security device the other day. Apparently, this device is rigged so that it
would alert me when someone was breaking into the house. This amazed me, in that – if I am home – I
usually know when someone is breaking into my house. Rather than announce his presence (“A Burglar, Madam”) it would
seem to me a lot more useful if someone would invent something that would bop
the intruder over the head.

But
I don’t need fancy home security systems because there is no possible way a
burglar could get past my secret weapon.
It’s cheap and it’s foolproof.
It’s so fiendish, I expect it will soon be outlawed at the next Geneva
Convention. Let me put if this way: if
the Spanish Inquisition had known about it, everyone would have confessed to everything.

To
wit:

LOCATION: Madrid, 15-something-or-other, in a damp
dungeon (not even a three-star)

It
works like this: You step on the itty
bitty piece of Lego, whereupon it pierces your bare foot, sending searing
needles of agony all the way up to your brain.
This in turn causes all of your bones to suddenly melt and turn you into
a pain-filled gibbering mass of Jello on the floor.

I
don’t know if you have ever walked barefoot across a minefield of individual
Lego bits, but believe me, General Schwartzkoff missed out on a good
weapon. Marbles have a similar effect
but those little plastic Lego corners kinda put the icing on the proverbial
cupcake. Methinks the Lego people have
missed a terrific marketing opportunity here.
In fact, right after this column is done, I’m going into business. “Killer Lego” should be on the shelves by
Christmas, ready to be scattered on floors everywhere.

Actually,
if you really want to keep burglars away, it’s simple. Throw a few ride-um toys on the front lawn
of your home – preferable boy ones.
Then everyone will know you have kids, so there couldn’t possibly be
anything of value left inside…