The Irony of Sifting

Scott is my best male friend, and every Thursday, we get together to catch up on each other’s lives. It’s been an ongoing thing for at least 3 years now and on that particular evening, we were talking about the growing pains of life when he made that very statement. I pondered it, and then quickly brushed it aside, because I thought he was wrong, even though, almost always, he isn’t. I carried that thought home with me that night, and I haven’t quite let go of it since. I took inventory of every intimate friendship I had, looking closely, to find the pieces that looked spread out and far apart. I didn’t really see anything amiss (dang rose-colored glasses!), but I did make mention of it in passing to one of my longtime friends by saying “We can’t ever grow apart”. I’m pretty sure we both snickered at the thought of it because we had been friends for over 30 years. Life went on as usual, even though Scott’s words continued to nag at me if I let myself think about it too much.

As time went on, however, I started to notice small cracks here and there: an irritation, an impatience of sorts even, that hadn’t ever been there before. Not in all my friendships of course, but in a few of them. I chalked it up to one or both of us being moody or perhaps having a bad day. Thing is though, those cracks got wider, and I found myself reflecting on what Scott had told me that night when he said that I was outgrowing my friends.

Most of my inner circle has been in my life since toddler-hood. Not kidding. My two best childhood friends are named Melanie and Scarlet, and I’ve always been a little miffed about the fact that my mother, who knew their mothers, didn’t name me Rhett or Ashley! After all, we were three peas in a pod for a very long time, and even though I don’t see them as often as I would like to these days, we always manage to pick up right where we left off and it never feels like we’ve been apart at all, even after 40-plus years of friendship. We have each other’s backs and we know that we can always depend on each other, come what may. Those are the kinds of friends I have, and never did I imagine that I would ever outgrow any of them.

But I did.

A close friend of mine has always told me that some people come into our lives only for a season, and then they’re gone. Most of us live in places that have four seasons annually, each lasting about three months, so I never thought of any ‘season’ lasting beyond that, and certainly never related it to pinky swears that were decades old. But the truth is, people change as their needs and circumstances change. None of us mean for that to happen, but as we get older, we find ourselves going in different directions. And it’s not always the people involved in the friendship who muck things up, either. Sometimes, life events such as marriage, divorce, having kids, losing a spouse, moving away, and a host of other things shift the dynamic. We don’t want it to, but it does. In fact, when I got divorced, many of our couple friends said they wouldn’t take sides—and most didn’t—but a few of them ended up not choosing either one of us. When we separated, the rules changed: what was once 4 on a double date became 3 and to be completely honest, that’s just awkward for everybody. It takes some restructuring to find a new normal and to accept that life-changes often mean friendship-changes as well, whether we like it or not.

I compare these changes to sifting, and if you look that word up in the dictionary (or on google, which is the modern-day version!), you’ll find a host of definitions. But the two I found really hit home: to shake a powdered substance through a sieve in order to break lumps into very small grains or to make a close examination of something[i]. As a hobby baker, I often sift the powdered sugar before I make vanilla buttercream icing, and if you’ve ever sifted it yourself, you already know that there will be some lumpy, round goodness left in the sifter when you’ve finished cranking. If you choose to use those little gems in your frosting, you’ll end up with an unholy, gritty mess that won’t be easy to smooth out, not even with your piping-hot spatula and Viva paper towels.

Sometimes, life sifts out the people who no longer fit us, creating a finer blend of things to come. It doesn’t mean we didn’t cherish those friendships because we did. It also doesn’t mean that those people won’t reappear, because they do. What it does mean is this: oftentimes, people experience personal and emotional growth on different levels—and while we always want to reach back to pull the person lagging behind up to speed, it just doesn’t work that way. I’ve been guilty of trying to pull people to the level I was at, only to realize that every single shift in life is a process that needs to happen in its own time. Not everyone will grow at the same rate you do, and sometimes, people won’t ever catch up, only to fall away and never return.

Allowing people to be sifted out through the sieve of our lives is never an easy task, whether it be a friend or a lover. Each person has their own path to walk, as well as their own lessons to learn, and we must be willing to let them wander at their own pace. So when those metaphorical cracks begin to widen, I would encourage you to wish the ones who have walked alongside you much courage and perseverance as they detour; thank them for being part of your story; appreciate them for the things they taught you. And later, if and when they do catch up, it means that they have grown and are again meant to be part of your journey, whether they stay forever or only for a season. Welcome them with open arms and agree to love them through the hard times when the terrain again gets treacherous, because inevitably, it will. Accept them for who they are in that moment and congratulate them for making the positive changes in their lives that led to the growth which brought you back together. But most importantly, be in agreement that neither of you will ever take it personally when another detour becomes necessary for whatever reason.

I am the voice behind Truly Madly Sassy and currently reside on the coast of North Carolina with my dog Snickers. I’m a full-time social work major, a suicide prevention advocate, a most-of-the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, an iPhone junkie, a bit of a wandering free-spirit, and a self-proclaimed princess. I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.

Comments

“At some point of my life I saw my self struggling to keep someone in my life because I was committed to doing that, it was just like a project to me. But I realized the more I try to keep this person close I get hurt every single day that passes by. Truly, some person are just meant to be with you for a while. I’ve since learnt to let go any friend that doesn’t go well with me. Thanks.”

“I always long to have more n more friends. Sincere and true friends are rare but still, there always are a few who love to support me in tough times. You can include me too in the list of your true friends.”

“It is funny. I have had a only a few close friends in my life. Each one of them I outgrew for different reasons. One was the same person she was in our teens and I couldn’t handle that kind if immature friendship. The other one was openly loose with men and I didn’t want that reputation, so things ended there. The last one was too bossy and draining so I had to move on. I hated to do it in the moment but looking back, I am glad because they would have held me back from being who I am today.”

“I’vehad mybeat friend Raven for 9 years and she left and we haven’ttalked in about a year. Now i made a friend even closer that i love so much named Colton. Im gonna miss him so much we keep no secrets and talk about every feeling we have and im sobbing. I cant imagine how his girlfriend Willow and my friend will take this. Im so mad at myself for letting me get close to someone because it always goes away

“I’ve had recent shakeups in my life too! It’s sad, but sometimes we have to put distance between us and the people who just don’t complete us anymore. I’ve found that when I say goodbye to one, a new and better friend always shows up. Love your blog!”

“I completely agree with your friend’s comment, that sometimes friendships only last for a season (or maybe a period in your life). I don’t think this is a bad thing. There is no point hanging around with people when you no longer enjoy their company – though that does sound quite harsh. You just have to cherish those memories you’ve made and the friendship you did once share – no one can take that away from you and sometimes pretending that the friendship is still there and the same as it once was can actually completely ruin your relationship and tarnish those memories. I’m completely different to my high school friends – most of them are married with children. There is not a huge priority in my life, so I find we have less in common and don’t see each other as much, though we still occasionally catch up. With that being said I also have friends that I might not see for a year or two, but when I do see them it’s like we only just seen each other and nothing has changed.”

“At first, as I was reading this, I felt sad. But as you were talking about people growing at different paces, I realized that each life is unique and that people sometimes simply go in a direction you’re not interested in traveling, and vice-versa. And, there’s no tragedy in that if you’re willing to let them live their lives and you keep the lines of communication open. I might not see someone for decades, but it feels like we were never separated at all when we get back together. For others, I might have the feeling that they’re slipping away even if we see each other every day. And, I might meet a brand-new person that feels like a lifetime friend. Life is sure full of mysteries. I appreciate your sharing, because it helps re-frame experiences that feel like losses, but which are just a normal part of growth.

Loved this blog. As the words kept flowing I could almost feel the love you have for your friends and that how special these life long friends were to you. True we all drift apart in our lives which makes one so happy when we do see each other again.

“Great blog. I love the metaphor! Yes, I have been through some serious sifting myself in the last year and a half. I wrote in my own private post last year about how the women who were the most there for me during my last few months in the US weren’t the friends I thought would be there–several who I barely knew and never expected were the ones who showed up with the food and wine, or ordered the pizza, or picked up the paint brush and the trash. It’s sad to come to the realization that you no longer fit with old friends, but sometimes it’s true. The upside is that as you grow into the more genuine “”you””– the you who was hiding in there all along– you begin to attract new or re-found friends who are now on your same frequency. My move here changed my time commitments totally and made it possible for me to spend more time with friends, too. It’s a two way street– I grow and change and have different needs and requirements for who I’m willing to spend my time with too. It’s a glorious, bittersweet transition toward deeper fulfillment and greater joy. Rock on my dear and keep growing toward the lights that your soul is drawn to!”

“Thank you Marie!! You are, and have always been, such an encouragement to me. Had it not been for you, I don’t think I would have ever ventured out of my comfort zone. You are part of why I am such a strong woman today. You’ve led by example and I don’t know what I would have ever done if I hadn’t met you. And yes, it is sad to come to the realization that old friends aren’t one size fits all, but I think you’re spot on about frequency. Much love to you. XoXo.”

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OH HI THERE!

My name is Kristi McAllister. I’m a full-time student, a most-of- the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, an iPhone junkie, a dog mom, a bit of a wandering free-spirit, and a self-proclaimed princess.
I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.

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