Category Archives: BiPolar Disorder

My family tries, but it doesn’t always happen. I try to not let it hurt me, but sometimes I end up crying about it especially when I feel left out and lonely and misunderstood. I am trying to mend a bridge now. I am trying to think like they do and how they must feel although that isn’t easy. Currently I am in a fairly decent place so my mind and brain aren’t sabotaging me.

I don’t feel it is my fault, but my brain doesn’t always join in on the plans in play.

Like this:

If you had asked me years ago while I was working I would have told you I was a great employee and most of the time I was. I had great work ethics and was polite and respectful.

However my bipolar mood swings hid my true work habits and even when brought up I didn’t really believe what I was being told.

I couldn’t focus. I was constantly day-dreaming and every review notated this. I didn’t believe them.

I was extremely emotional. I cried at the drop of a hat or if you looked at me sideways. When my supervisor took me to the manager and said “you deal with her, I can’t take it anymore!” it started slowly sinking in. I started thinking about it and then I started to become more aware of my behavior and was shocked. This was normal behavior for someone with bipolar disorder, but I didn’t notice it.

It is possible to hold a job with bipolar disorder, but it certainly isn’t easy. There were lots of other incidents and I now am aware of them. I am on disability now and 61 years old so close to retirement age anyhow. I know longer have the thinking abilities anymore to hold a job anyhow.

1.my disorders are many and depending on the activity are beyond my pain and fatigue.

2. I am shy and new people and places scare me.

3. I have been hurt too many times.

I am not looking, but but not giving up completely. I do miss the companionship and support. I am not interested much in sex so that can kill a relationship, but there are others out there looking for companionship only. If it is meant to be, it will be.

As I have announced I am combining my 2 blogs into one. All of my writing will still be part of my blogging, but it will just be on one blog. The original writer’s blog will still be there, there just won’t be any new work added to it, but there is plenty there to read and most of my life stories are actually on there under non-fiction. Another reason I wanted to have just one blog.

The more I thought about it the more I realized that “Tessa Can Do It” describes everything I write about so why have more than one blog. Plus trying to figure out what to put on which blog was becoming annoying. Whatever it is, Tessa Can Do It!

I was writing for International Bipolar Foundation, but I finally quit. They are rude, they don’t bother to answer emails. I write for them for free, but they can’t even take the time to let me know if they are interested in the article post or not. If they don’t want it I can certainly use it on my blog. Mental health is a large part of my life and I write my own posts on it besides finding info online to share about mental and physical health. I don’t need to deal with people who are as far as I am concerned, rude. They started out ok and then started going downhill, changed staff and got worse. When you use free articles as the mainstay of your blog, you treat those people with respect. I personally am tired of it. They don’t deserve my writing. At first it stroked my ego to see my writing on what I thought was a major contender in the mental health field. Now I am tired of being treated without respect. I wrote 3 emails, same subject, several weeks to months apart and not one of them received an answer. That is rude and non-businesslike. I don’t need the aggravation. My work is back to being my work.

They probably don’t even realize I quit since they don’t seem to bother reading their email. We had a schedule and I gave them plenty of notice that I won’t be writing for them anymore. If they don’t know it, that is their problem, not mine.

As I have mentioned occasionally I grew up in a household that believed in ghost, demons and things that go bump in the night. I still do.

However the last time I was admitted to the mental hospital they decided that I have Psychosis along with my Bipolar Disorder 1. They didn’t believe I was really seeing these things. The dancing mahjongg tiles yeah sure, psychotic. But I have seen things equivalent to a Stephen King movie. I wasn’t sleeping. I see, hear and feel things that aren’t supposedly there.

Right after our cat died I swore she came up and curled up on my legs to sleep just like she used to. In my house that was normal. Lots of people think I am crazy. I am sure I will never know for sure if this stuff is real or part of my mental health disorders. Of course that would mean my whole family is mentally ill because I wasn’t the only one affected.

We moved from one house because we had a ghost/poltergeist that wouldn’t stop touching my mom. She was terrified. In the same house I saw things in my room, would not go down in the cellar after the first trip down and had a full size doll whose eyes followed you around.

I also saw a boy in the mirror of another house. I was looking in that mirror and it sure as hell wasn’t me. I almost broke my neck running down the stairs away from it. i never looked in there again. I closed my eyes and felt for the step rail and pulled myself around so I looked away before opening my eyes. I had to shut my bedroom door due to the activity in the hallway at night. This same house had a spot in the kitchen that the animals would not cross over at certain times. Their hair stood straight up. SOMETHING was there.

We weren’t allowed to have a Quija board due to things happening with it. My parents forbade us from seeing the “Exorcist” as they were afraid we would draw the demons in similar to the Quija Board.

Now we get to last night. As an adult in this house I have seen, heard and felt things. It has been a couple of years since I saw or heard something. A man calls my name loudly, I yell what because I don’t want to see. Nothing is there, but he calls me over and over. Once it was female and I wondered if it was my deceased mom.

People have told me that God will call people when he wants their attention, although there is no actual conversation.

Last night my father told me to look up magic and the spiritual realm on youtube. He was telling me how some of those magicians claimed to be hooked up with the darkside and all their programs/signs were covered with demons. Well I started to watch it and soon I had had enough of it. I was seeing things that couldn’t be explained.

Well while trying to sleep a male voice kept calling my name over and over and waking me up. I told my dad about it and he told me not to watch it again. He was sorry he mentioned it because some people are very susceptible to things like that and considering my childhood and my adulthood as well he had a point. I had wicked dreams and I was actually dreaming of falling and hurting myself and I was feeling the pain. I could barely pull myself out of bed this afternoon. The last thing I need whether psychosis or real ghosts and demons is to bring them back into my life.

I have believed in the other side all my life even as a young child and now the possibility could be psychosis is the answer, but maybe it isn’t. What do you think?

Why me? There is no point in asking as there is no answer forthcoming. If you believe in re-incarnation you could say I am paying for one hell of a sin.

The only thing I know is that I can barely stand it anymore. The pain pills are not helping or my pain is worse than I thought.

I am using a cane now to walk and need support to pull myself up and down stairs. I can’t do it on my own. Getting out of bed is pure excruciating pain and almost impossible for me to do now. I thought I knew what a 10 in the pain score meant before, but that is now a 15. Worse than childbirth at times and my 3 children were born naturally no pain relief. I have lived with chronic pain for over 40 years yet it is still possible to find pain that is worse than that.

Last time I went through this I didn’t think it could get worse, but it can. Oh it certainly can. I have heard good and bad things about surgery if they go that route. I could become totally immobile. Heck I almost am now. Not sure I like them messing with my spine. I won’t even let the chiropractor touch it anymore.

My Fibromyalgia is joining in on the fun. I am in full flare, pins and needles from that. numbness and pins and needles throughout my entire body from pinched nerves and Fibro. Arthritis running amuck. Some people have mild arthritis, but don’t know just how bad it can get. And it could be rheumatoid arthritis and worse so I shouldn’t complain too much I suppose. I would gather that is worse. Mine is inflamed and wrapped around my spine and squeezing.

They call it degenerative for a reason. It will not get better. It will continue to get worse. Talk about a life sentence.

My anxiety is super high even with meds. My bipolar is actually fairly stable at the moment so I am not dealing with my mental health being out of control. Thank God for small favors at least.