WELLTICKDETERMINESTHECAVETESTSPOSITIVEFORECHOES. OBBLETASKS IF TEMIROWOULD BE INTERESTED IN WORKINGFORSTONESANDBONESWHENTHIS IS ALLOVER. NO RESPONSE.

TEMIROLEADS US TO A LARGEDOMEWITHMAGICEMANATINGFROM A SPOTWHERE A DOORWOULD GO. THEWISEANDBEAUTIFULFOXSEES A FLICKERMAN IN HISPERIPHERALVISION, OBBLETCONFIRMSTHAT HE SEES IT TOO. NAXGARTHHITSTHEMAGICSPOT. WITHHISHAMMER.

TWOHUMANSATTACKTHEPARTY. THEFANTASTIC MR. FOXBLOODIESONE, OBBLETKNOCKS A BITCHOUT. I KILL A MAN. OBBLETTIES A WOMAN UP. WELLTICKCARESSESTHE WOMAN’S HAIRANDPUTSSPICESUNDERHERNOSE. SHEWAKES UP AND IS UPSET. OBBLETSAYSTHATTHIEVESUSEROPE, ANDPUTS A SOCK IN HERMOUTH.

A DRAKEBUSTSTHROUGHTHEMAGICDOORSPOT, ANDTHREEDWARVESWRIGGLETHEIRGRUBBYLITTLEBODIESTHROUGHTHEWALLS OF THEDOME TO FIGHT US. AELYSTHREATENS TO KILLOURHOSTAGE BY SLICINGHERFROMEAR TO EAR. THEYHAVE NO CONNECTION TO HER. HE SLICESANYWAY. IT IS 80% EFFECTIVEBUT HE CANNOTREMOVETHEHEAD. THEPARTYELIMINATESTHEENEMIES.

CARAVACOSAPPEARSANDWARNS US THATTHEPYRAMID OF SHADOWSLIESBEYONDTHISDOME. WE CAN GO THERE IF WE TOUCHTHESESTONES. EVERYONEHAS A BIGPROBLEMWITHTOUCHINGSTONESBUT I DO NOTUNDERSTAND.

The opposite of Naxxy's member, however

Ok, gotta make this short and sweet because I gotta get going here. Things to do, things to kill.

We were in this tower after defeating some vile creature. Obblet tried to pick the lock, but weird thing is, there was no lock to pick! Welltick tries some magic, but that doesn’t work either. Time for some good ol’ fashioned brute strength. We all push, putting our shoulders square into that bitch and the door yields. Some ice shatters inside. The room behind the door is frozen! HA! imagine that!

Anyway, we get inside and there are four humanoids inside encased in ice. One of them has the symbol of Bahamut! OHHHH! BAHAMUT IS GREAT! PRAISE BE TO ISTUS! BUTBAHAMUT IS GREAT! BAHAMUTACKBAR!

There is a crazy, but seemingly harmless, man inside too. His name is Vandomar. He is talking about the war and saving us from said war by freezing us. He then begins rocking and chanting and it is definitely weirding us out. Aliss tries some diplomacy; Vandomar is suspicious. Then, outta no where, FOXATTACKS!

Of course it was an easy win, or so I think? Me thinks ol’ Naxxy took a bump on the noggin, because this moment of time is hazy. Maybe Istus would be so kind as to remind me what happened someday.

I remember shortly after that we found 413 gold pieces.

We head over to Winterhaven and the Rufton’s Inn. Effit is the bartender. At least I think his name is Effit. Istus? Anyway, Effit points us toward Sign to find some whores.

We go over to sign. He kinda seems like a drunk dick.

Aliss pretends to be someone else and then Sign admits that he is going to distract us with some fine whores and steal our money. Room is empty, no whores. BUTTHEN! Three whores show up. Alix, Idell, Brenda. We dress as ghosts, Aliss supposedly has sex with all three whores. Sign comes up with a letter from Bjorn and Horne. They seek flavors and wish us to come home to taste the flagship Greeno beers!

Anyway, that’s all I remember. Really hoping Istus can perform a miracle and fill in the blanks.

[Istus is performing a miracle and filling in the blanks:

Sign told the party to go up to a specific room and the whores would be up. I believe everyone was trying to get Aylis laid. Everyone else dressed up as ghosts and pretended to float around the hallway outside. I’m not entirely sure why. Ask them.

Anyway, after the festivities, the whores leave and sign returns to collect. You haggle with him. And threaten him a lot. Accuse him of sending whores up to steal your money. There is no money missing. You pay him. He leaves, clearly shaken by the intimidation. Also, at some point, Ronald tried to get a beer, but couldn’t get his point across. He thinks he is people.

I have just received word that there is another group travelling through the Abbey, asking about cards. They supposedly emerged from the forest near the watchtower soon after the tower seemed to stabilize itself. Are they responsible for it? What did they find there? Do they have the cards?

They are clearly a force to be reckoned with as they have already killed one of my five mercenaries, Grosh. If they are truly searching for the cards, I may have to enlist others to stop them. I must speed up my work here. If I am to believe what the old man said about this place, there is at least one more card here and I will find it. I must not let him get them back.

Tam and Kurik last saw this group travelling toward the wizard’s tower. Good. I hope the remains of the mad wizard’s experimental golem kills the lot of them.

I have been sealed away in this tower for too long. Eons have gone by. Civilizations have risen and fallen. Time itself seems to have no meaning in this warped place.

But for the first time, after being trapped so long in this void, I see my salvation. One of my eyes sees a small band of travelers approaching this gods-forsaken citadel. They tangled with the orcs and ettin guarding the gate fearlessly, and now they are heading this way, through the outer gardens. They realized quickly that these forests are not natural to this world, but fey in nature. What they didn’t realize is that these forests are riddled with spiders. Their webs stretch across every tree, blocking every obvious path, and yet these stalwart six manage to snake their way through the thicket without disturbing the spiders (after the two Eladrin squabble over who possesses superior knowledge of the Feywild. These two remind me of the two male humans who died in this tower near me, locked in one another’s embrace. One of the adventurers, a human, manages to loose an error at a critical point in the forest, disrupting the webbing and preventing the spiders from sensing their tremors. Others follow these tactics, and soon they are out of the forest with some new loot found with the corpses of less skilled (or less fortunate) adventurers.

They emerge from the forest to bear witness to the beautiful Whispering Grove, just in time to see five autumn nymphs bathing in a pond. Many have fallen victim to these decorated harpies screech before, and this party falls right into the trap. However, the nymphs seem to be in a playful mood, most likely since they just devoured the souls of the foolish goblins who snuck into the Abbey grounds earlier. They simply request to play a game of secrets. For each secret the heroes would share, they may ask a question of them. While this sounds harmless, or even helpful, the heroes reveal such dark things. The human admitted that he has no affection for any he traveled with, and wouldn’t bat an eye at killing any of them for any amount whatsoever (though the nymphs saw through this rouse easliy). The stout dwarf revealed that despite being wed, he has children with another dwarf woman. And for revealing this, the nymphs answered his question of where the “red caped faggot” is. Excitedly, the nymphs revealed that he was very near. Remarkably near, and seemed to be drawn to the red cape being worn by one of the Eladrin.

The red caped Eladrin then revealed that because of traumatizing events in his past, he exclusively bedded women whose appearance resembled that of his dead sister. Overjoyed with the humiliation, the nymphs quickly answered the second query, which was where some creature named “Greeno” was. (Apparently this group of hardy adventurers grew attached to a goblin. Hardly surprising with the stories these scoundrels were sharing.) The nymphs said that Greeno was near, and more, he was in danger.

Finally, the bear stepped forth, seemingly to tell a secret. He raised his head toward the nymphs and let out a series of grunts and growls, which lasted for several minutes. The entire time, the nymphs were enraptured and wide-eyed. Occasionally, one jaw would drop, and one screech would sound. This bear must have been weaving quite a tale, because the nymphs were quick to answer a question. The red-caped-Eladrin ripped a small urn from his pocket and shouted, “What the fuck is this jar!?” The nymphs reeled and hissed at it, shouting to get the vile vial away from this sacred place, and that it was touched by the mark of Tharizdun! The nymphs then vanished from the grove, leaving the party with more questions than answers.

The adventurers continued to the Font of Ioun, the one glimmer my eyes can see from this infinite darkness. Upon entering its sacred ground, a band of Eladrin guardians emerged from the treeline, surprising my unlikely saviors. The leader stepped forward and introduced himself as Berrian Velfarren. He explained to this group that they were trespassing on sacred ground his band of Eladrin warriors were defending from the orc occupation of the Abbey. The six travelers convinced Berrian that they were merely travelers seeking dangerous artifacts and had nothing but respect for Ioun and her relic (except the dwarf, who kept mouthing off about Bahamut. If he only knew who he really worshiped. Berrian tasked them with retrieving a journal of the old grounds keeper of the forest in a cottage nearby, and to be on the lookout for another Eladrin who had gone missing in the forest.

The adventurers made their way toward the cottage and found it inhabited by two slumbering owlbears. Sneaking up to the cabin, the crew could see scattered papers and books in the dilapidated home, one of which seemed to stick out as a candidate for a diary. However, the group somehow alerted the owlbears to their presence, possibly by imitating a displacer beast, or maybe one of them just smelled really bad. Either way, the crew was thrust into combat, where they made short work of the brutes, trapping them in the cottage and hurling waves of ice, steel, and arrows at them. Reading the recovered journal, the group learned that this forest was a gift from an Eladrin man to the leaders of this Abbey, when it flourished as a center or spiritual guidance, and not a hovel for disgusting creatures and rotting death.

While returning to the Font, the band stops and investigated a nearby, crumbling bell tower. By chance, they realize that two displacer beasts have cornered a young Eladrin woman and are about to pounce. The group rushes into action, some fighting and distracting the beast, while others rush to the woman’s side and stabilize her wounds. Suddenly, hordes of stirges rush out of the bell tower’s leaning bellfry, and try to suck the lifeblood out of the poor woman. The adventurers manage to bat back the flying rats, while still slaughtering the evasive displacer beasts. Healed, the woman explains that her name is Analastra and that she is Berrian’s sister. These heroes are keen on helping the distressed; maybe they won’t mind helping me.

They return to the Font, and Berrian reveals that the log they found was that of his father. He came to the forest in order to better understand him and has decided to stay and defend it. He gives each hero a blessing from the fountain, and requests that they stay the night and rest as newfound friends. Early in the morning, the heroes make way towards the western watchtower, after hearing that it exhibits strange and supernatural behavior. Finally they will come to understand what I have been wrestling with since being trapped here.

As they reach the watchtower, they notice it seems to both exist, and not exist simultaneously. The edges of the visible tower seem blurred, as if someone spilled water on a painting, blurring the edges and the background into one. They approach the tower and realize there is no entrance. They try to touch it, only to get the sense that the tower doesn’t exist here anymore. The wizard declares that it is a sort of echo of a structure that was once here. The dwarf unleashes a hardy blow to vaporous wall of the tower, only to find that his strike unleashes a flow of black goo that bleeds unnaturally through from the wound. They try many things, until finally the wizard holds up a strange card to the wall, and feels himself passing through the barrier. He beckons for his friends to follow. I wonder…could this card be the same card that rests here with me?

Inside the tower, the heroes realize what a strange place they are in. Instead of walls, strange slime seems to “breathe” up and down the edge of the room. Instead of support columns, impossible geometry extends to the infinite darkness above. All they see is a chasm in the center of the room that prevents them from reaching a luminescent membrane that morphs between an oaken door, and the black void I know all too well. There is a footbridge spanning the canyon, but the heroes do not trust it (the dwarf makes a joke about walking backwards across it, though I do not know what it means). I do not blame them—trust is not a concept that would appear organically in a place like this. Instead, the Eladrin and the dwarf teleport across the chasm, leaving the others to rely on physical feats and magical assistance to get across. As they approach the membrane, the room seems to erupt at them. The bridge rises and attacks them, black ooze erupts from the canyon. Luckily, they are sucked through the portal before the calamity can reach them.

The heroes now find themselves in the plane I am trapped in…this…Far Realm. The path they walked was a twisted and surreal experience, and I’m baffled they made it through. The first room consisted of rising black globules that that drift through the air and on the wall, up toward a vast, star-filled sky. Stairs seem to appear in the walls, before being swallowed again by the black goo. Some of the heroes manage to find a path up the stairs, others climb up the churning walls, and some still simply clutch the globules as they rise. They all make it to the sky, closer to me.

In this space, the heroes seem to lose all sense of direction. They exist in an endless space, filled with strange figures and amoeboid shapes. Remarkably, they manage to find their way by navigating familiar stars.

Finally, the group reaches the final room before my chamber. The stars they were flying through turn into giant cards—cards that opened like doors revealing some horrific thing jabbering rhymes and nonsense, trying to grapple the heroes. This trap, too proves fruitless, as the heroes make to the true door to me. The door opens, and I can seem them there. Staring at me in horror. I attempt to speak to them. To thank them for their rescue. But in this twisted universe, my form has changed, and I am something of a monster. I did not know. I could not know I had become such a beast. But I heard one of the group shout, “It’s a beholder!” as another lunged at me, knocking me out almost immediately.

Could it be? Could I have been transformed into a multi-eyed beast of legend? I worked so hard my whole life, and now I have been reduced to this!? And kept hostage in this hell of a place? And these “saviors” are now nothing more than barbarians, slashing at my eye stalks and shooting at my round body. No more! I cannot hold this rage! I will destroy all of them!

…

What cruel fate. I have been slaughtered by my rescuers. What I thought was the answer to my prayers has killed me, and are now performing bizarre acts of desecration on my body. Leaping through the air and landing on me with their genitals. Bursting from my body as thought it were being penetrated. What misery. And here I am, left to watch. Somehow. Whatever they killed in me was not all of me. It appears to be whatever part of me was still tethered to the normal world. The world I knew. The world I grew up in. Did I grow up? Was I a child? Did I…have children? I lost my mind so long ago, and now, for the first time, I miss it. But I must make a new home for myself here. Here, in this aberrant world. I am making a new start for myself in this new body, and leaving this sexually massacred husk with the tower. I am free now. Now that the adventurers have robbed me of that blasted card.

Obblet and Welltick wake up in the night. It’s quiet. Obblet procures a small pouch from a pocket and snorts a bit of ash. “That’s good ash,” he might have said. It has no effect, and he puts it back.

Something is different about this room. Naxgarth notes a religious presence around us, but, it’s hard to gauge with him because he’s always going on and on about religious stuff, and, whatever. Hard to believe in a lot of that stuff when your family was murdered by bandits and you were raised by a goddamned bear. Whatever, it’s fine.

Agreeing that the vibe is too weird here, we leave the room to investigate the situation. The town is small enough, and it’s late enough now, that we could manage to pull off a heist, pad our pockets a bit. Can’t say we don’t deserve it. Welltick illuminates the hallway of the innl, but there isn’t much to see. Nax makes a note of the incredible stillness in the environment. I turn to see Obblet behind the bar, pulling a sweet draft of beer for himself. I have turn, that is, because I have been in the corner masturbating.

Inn cleared. We go outside. The air remains very placid, and we are all in agreement that there is no noticeable temperature. The only source of light we can see is the dump. We head toward the light, when Naxgarth starts to feel a guttural pull back to the inn. Heyyyyy. He starts talking about how he feels an evil presence coming from the light source, Heyyyyy but, again, Naxgarth.

Now reader, I must tell you that this will seem crazy to a standard manbeing, but I swear it to be true. We were in no town at all! We awoke, not knowing we had been asleep, the 5 of us in a sunny field. Where are we? Were we ever really in that town? Did we share this dream together? What did Ronald see?

A man has been watching us sleep, shouting at us intermittently. Maybe for hours. He introduces himself to us as the Sharn-dweller Aelys. Welltick pays careful attention to this newcomer. Aelys says he has a left behind a life of academia and wishes to see the world up close. He likes the look of our party of seasoned veterans, and is desperate to see some crazy shit. Naxgarth doesn’t trust him. Now reader, I must tell you that this will seem crazy, but I swear it to be true: Naxgarth and Obblet blow each other. That’s what it says here.

Aelys points out that behind us there large stones lying in the field, right where we woke up. I’m hesitant to touch the stones because I remember the last goddamn time I touched a stone, so I keep my distance. Atop the stone is a smaller little trinket. A mint, from the inn! Maybe we weren’t sleeping after all, but, what happened to the town?

No time. We head toward Gardmore Abbey from Winterhaven. As we walk, we each get a turn to ask a few questions of Aelys and tell stories of our travels. No time. The Abbey lies before is, expansive and overgrown. A village to the east, a keep at the north point, and steep cliffs on the west and south. I scout out 2 orcs and 1 ogre holding watch over the walls. We send Obblet to sneak up the wall and take care of things. He climbs up the tower and signals back that he’s doing great and that he’s killed most of them. We head up to help him and totally take them by surprise. We’re doing great. I land a Splintering Shot on the ogre, Welltick is bringing out some Zombie Hands, Ronald is being a bear, Aelys casts this thing called Halo of Thorns around Naxgarth and it’s awesome.

Skin Guitar.

The zombie hands that Welltick has cast are fearsome. They pull an orc underground. As he succumbs to the gravity of his situation, we hear him gurgle “I didn’t even finish my bucket list!!!”

Aelys kills an orc, sending hot blood splattering on his face. “Welcome to death, bitch!” he might have said. Obblet slits the throat of the last orc, and we’ve cleared the tower as simple as that. Welltick finds a tusk and takes a moment to dance on the table.

This is all well and good, but we’re on a mission here. We’re looking for cards, and we hear some big orc chief with dreadlocks might have it. We head toward the Keep, but there’s a two-headed security guard who says we need some kind of passing word to gain access.

Aelys puts his skills to the test and bluffs the guard, saying he forgot the word, but the dumb guard says he’ll let him through if he brings back a bottle of the good stuff. We don’t have any good stuff at all, but we pool our resources to brew a bottle of good stuff. It works! Dumb two-headed guard buys it and Aelys gets into the Keep. There’s a big orcish-looking fella in dreadlocks who isn’t too happy to see him. We were wrong. This isn’t the chief, it’s the shaman. He tells us that a group of 4 or 5 has preceded us, one with pointy ears.

It has been awhile since I logged. As i have stated plenty of times in the past, I am not one for words and writing. What do I look like, Zülg the Literate? Everyone knows he is the only dwarf that prefers composing poetry and reading over smashing skulls and swinging axes.

Anyway, how about all that stuff that happened with the dragons and all? Welp, that’s it. Until next time.

JUSTKIDDING. I have to write a good entry since I so rarely write. But those dragons, hoo boy. It all started when we were transported from the arena to this odd winding hallway filled with smalls shops and kiosks; a bazaar of sorts. Zülg could describe it much better than I. But he is not with me and probably dead. We started wandering and before a few minutes passed a great light appeared. Kord appeared. Obblet, the ultimate trickster, tries convincing Kord that we killed a brass dragon. Kord smelled the bullshit from a mile away. Kord let us know that we are the first mortals in this place, which is an astral arena filled with gods and transcendent beings. This pleases me. I have always felt that i was more than mortal.

Kord’s disciples, Vik and Rek, are then assigned to us. One is dressed in gold, the other and silver. Kind of a tacky look if you ask me.

Obblet decides he is going to buy some food, but the vendor says we need an emblem. An emblem, you say? What is this emblem of which you speak? We go to talk to Vik and Rek and get some more information about where we are and what the hell these emblems are? Who doesn’t accept good old fashioned GOLD!

Vik advises that Bahamut (PRAISE BE TO BAHAMUT) and his nemesis Tiamat (BOOOO! HISSSS!) built the arena in order to pit their dragons against each other. Vik gives us an emblem, a white circle with a “10” on it. Huh? Obblet buys some “NokNok” and he enjoys some with Fox. I abstain. They say it tastes like “butterscotch”? I am not sure what butterscotch is, but it frightens me just as much as the NokNok. NokNok? Who’s there? Ha ha ha.

We approach one of the beings in the astral arena and I can hear Istus whisper, “he looks like a jawa.” What the hell is a jawa? Lot of weird things happening. Fox, for whatever reason, baby talks him. His name is Rand. And Rand is weird.

We go to the next shop: a big guy with more arms than we can count. I can’t count high, but my friends can, and they assure me, more than we can count. His name is Oshu, I think. Also a weird fella. How is this for a business model: he only has one thing for sale a day!

Next shop: human woman that forges weapons and armor. Woman tells us that Oshu says he sells one item a day. BUT HE DOESN’T UNDERSTANDTHECONCEPT OF A DAY I GUESS?! We go back to Oshu and now he has trauma braces. If i am not mistaken, everything was very expensive. But i dont remember for sure.

NEXTTENT! There are five cloaked figures in a circle chanting. More weird. They are Reva the enchantress, or at least that is what I remember them saying. They give Ronald frost claws in exchange for the emblem. Elemental Ice Bear.They give us the emblem back. It is still white. But now is has a “2” on it.

We go to Vik and Rek. Rek is in charge of challenges. We accept a challenge of a baby black dragon. We go to Edrick, keeper of the dragons. Edrick says “blacks breath acid.” This is how stereotypes start. We kill the black dragon and VIk advises that emblems are not the only rewards. I do not recall an explanation of this, but i will get clarification. We fight the green dragon and we slay it! BLUEDRAGON IS NEXT! I feel inferior to the bear. Ronald is riding the dragon. We kill the blue dragon!

Where is the dankweed?

As we awaken from a rest we find some Wisps’ that guide us to our horses. I hope to see more of those in the future they are just beautiful. My horse dankweed was so happy to see me and knew it was time for some more adventuring. The boyz and I huddled up and looked at the map in search of what to do next on our journey. Luckily there were no more holes in the map to go after. I don’t need to be a dead guy again. I love life!
After some strong talks about where to next we decided it would be wise to take a 2 day ride to Winterhaven. As we begin to ride we notice a loud screeching noise in the sky. I an’t gonna lie I peed my pants a little. That hasn’t happened in a while. My horse dankweed wasn’t having any of it either. (God I wish I could get a puff or two of that dankweed again. What an experience.)
We hear the screech again and notice that it is a dragon in the sky soaring around looking for who knows what. The idea to try to catch it or fight it came up but we decided stay focused on getting to winterhaven. (That’s a first).
As we arrive to a forest Nax and Fox smell something magnificent, they said it was like an orchard was around, fresh fruit. As those two head towards the smell Oblet notices that a giant plant eats them. Turns out that smell was there to attract food for the plant. Without hesitation Oblet and I decided to show this plant who is boss. I didn’t a plant could do much harm but man was I wrong. This bitch had some tricks up its s-leaves. I would hit us with some disease and make us sick but we fought through it.
The plant gave me Fith Fever. It’s slowly killing me. Not good.
After whipping some plant ass. We lay to rest and I somehow sat on a little bag of gold. Talk about being lucky. Maybe I could buy a pretty new broach or some sweet new boots.
We then jumped back on the horses and ride on and soon find a little shack that looks to be empty and have not been used in some time. Oblet kicks the door in and check it out. He didn’t care bout anything that could be in there. When we get inside we realized that this was just a temporary habitat, for who tho, I’m afraid we will never know. After some deep searching around the place we find some pretty Crystal Prisms. That was about all we found and we headed back to town. I felt like so bad no thanks to that fever.
As we arrive to winterhaven we meet some guards at the front gate who seem to be skeptical of use but we told them bout some of our adventures and how we destroyed the Iron Circle. The men also talked about that crazy dragon we saw earlier. They let us in and we first looked for a store to buy supplies and maybe help cure my fever.
We dropped our horses off at the stable. The man who owned that joint was just not cool in my book but whatever. We arrived at Delphina and Sister Lunora. They are religious and hope that some prayers can save me. The rest of the guys left me to look for supplies. We donate 5 gold pieces for their help.
The guys found Berwyn’s shop. We get a ritual scroll and oblet got some cool sword. The paid him for the stuff with the prisms. We made it seem like they cost a lot of money and were very rare. He went for it. They bring back the ritual to me and I chill at the stables to study it for 8 hours. This was my last chance to get rid of this fever.
We learn about Valthcan the President who lives in the tower in the city.
We find some farmers who had friends in Timbervale.
We head to the tower and when we got there Nax threw a rock in hopes to get someone’s attention in the tower. We found it was a lot easier to just knock. After a few knocks a guy opens the door.
We learn about the Shadowfell keep- A portal to shadowfell- A dark dark world
The portal is a huge threat where many creatures flooded into.
We get some sleep and in the morning we head towards the portal. We buy some horse food and before we head off I ask the stable fellow if he had any dank weed only to learn that is what killed his father. (Awkward.)
When we arrived at the portal that is surrounded by ruins, we feel power in the stones and head towards the center. We each try to recite the letter for the portal and the wind would pick up and then die right away. We then said how about we say it together and well that’s when things got crazy. The wind went crazy and we collapsed and were transported to the center of an arena only to find a dragon in front of us.
Naturally we fight.
Ronald quickly grabs onto the dragon limiting its movements. We each took our turns and gave the dragon some serious blows. In the end the Lightening arrows that I found finished him off. Oblet used them well.
We are just work too well as a team. It is a beautiful thing.
We then go back to center and teleport back. Let’s keep on rolling!

Boy is this weird. We stole Thantos’s blood, and left the room, but Dick is still in there. We must take the vial to the receptacle for an audience with the Raven Queen.

We’re out of Thantos’s room, there are 2 stairwells in this landing, one goes back to Thantos, one goes to the altar. Dick! How could we forget about Dick. He runs down the steps, squeaking up a storm about this note he’s got in his mouth. We read it, it’s a suicide note from a woman saying that she “couldn’t be with him any longer because he was too focused on his experiments.”

Huh. There’s no name on this note, but, it’s a little funny because we could have sworn we had heard a similar story but the ending was different. Did she kill herself, or was she accidentally killed by this scientist who was now toiling to bring her back to life?

We’re in the Rotatey Room, and Obblet notices the walls are completely plastered with the name “Beatrice” in handwriting. Is he on that dankgrass? We don’t see anything, until he hands around the vial. Haminahamina! We all see it and it’s freaking us out so we try to focus on something else. The feather we need falls from the ceiling, and we put it into the fire to pass through. In this hallway, we notice more writing on the floor. It says “The dead walk slower near the end.” This is creepy and nothing more.

The urn is very high up in this room, I can reach it use it fancy acrobatics so I use fancy acrobatics to reach it. I can’t get it down but I do notice a string coming out from the shelf where the urn is perched. It rotates the whole room, and sends the party flying! I knew this would happen, but I like to see these guys get tossed around so I pulled it and suffered the hilarious consequences. I pull the string 4 times pretending I didn’t expect the results.

Finally the urn is ours, we complete the ritual by pouring in the blood and the feather. The urn regards us by glowing a little bit with some non-religious symbols. Welltick checks it, it’s clearly science stuff. I take the urn and we all head back to the Conduit to double-check this suicide note story. He gets pretty shifty, and we try some various interrogation techniques we’ve learned in our journeys. Unfortunately he’s undead or something, so none of the pain or physical threats really work. Someone must see that the cat’s out of the bag, because the Raven Queen takes over and says “THERE IS NO WAYOUT.” and blasts the Conduit into a heap on the ground.

We divert conversation at this point, and learn that the Conduit really has no idea how he got here. This whole thing is starting to stink! He agrees to take us to the teleporter room that can bring us to the Throne. The Queen appears again and says something to the effect of “ENJOY THERIDE, BITCHES!”

We’re in a maze now. Each room basically has your standard 4 walls like we have in the land of the living, with a door on each wall heading…somewhere. We land in a Mazebo, and there is a pedestal with a book resting on it. We scribble some words on the book but the ink rises off the paper, jiggles, and then scatters. We ruin our clothes trying to guess any other words that the book will accept, but we get stuck after “The.”

With nowhere else to go, we venture off into the maze looking for clues. Each room has a word on the floor, and some doors have a glyph above them. No one else can understand these glyphs but me because they’re in Giant and I took Giant in high school because I went to kind of a nice high school.

The words are different in each room, and when we travel far enough away from the Mazebo we get ambushed and warped back to the start. Things start to get a little dicey because we’re sick of all the fighting all the time, and there is some dissent amongst us. Also some of the ghosts are challenging our Will and we end up taking a few shots at each other. Obblet stabbed Naxgarth, I shot an arrow at Welltick, it got bad. Finally we remember that thing that we thought was nothing is actually a thing. “The dead walk slower near the end.” It sticks in the book, and we know now to walk east, east, west, south, north, east, and east. I’m pretty sure that’s what we did, it was dark and hard to take notes.

The path we trod led us back to the Gazebo but this time a new door for the Throne Room had appeared. I bet this made the Raven Queen feel pretty stupid, because we found it and it wasn’t a big deal. Doesn’t she know what we’re capable of?

The Throne Room has a big big statue gripping a locked tube. He talks a lot of nonsense. He talks like 8 or 9 nonsenses. There’s a lock-code on the tube, each of the 5 wheels has every letter of the alphabet, and there’s some secret codeword that will open it. After several repetitions of the nonsenses, we realize they are not nonsenses but actually haiku. Because “ISTUS” does not work, nor “RAVEN” or “QUEEN” we enter “HAIKU” and it pops open. Inside is a detailed schematic of one called the Soul Eater. He is an imposter, posing as the Raven Queen, keeping people trapped on this plane for his amusement and sustenance. Our goal now clear, we head to the Altar Room via magicks.

Igor’s dead now. [citation needed]

We arrive in the Gate Room and try to quickly cast all the incantations necessary to bind the Soul Eater and end his reign. It will take 8 spells, and unfortunately the room starts to flood with Wailers. They pour in from the walls in bigger and bigger waves. They have a stun power that locks us and keeps us from protecting Welltick, who gets the shit kicked out of him to be honest. We fight valiantly, stunned, unstunned, stunned, unstunned, and Welltick takes it from pretty much every Wailer in the realm. Down to 1 hit point, our mighty Welltick opens the Portal or kills the Soul Eater or something like that ,and we all make it back to the earthly plane!

I try to hug Ronald, but my feeble hands pass right through him! What a life of pain I will lead from this point on! Never to hug old big bear again. Sulking at my fate, I notice everyone else is hard at work finding their bodies. Silly me! I’m a ghost! We find them our bodies, along with a Red Cape. Back to full power, Nax shatters the Opal that got us into this mess in the first place, and thousands of souls pour out of it. Beneath the wreckage lies a new card.

I am back, dear journal. I am not so good at writing in you. I would guess I have only chronicled one-fourth of my recent adventures. It is no matter, though, as I am not an author of best-selling novels or anything. I am just a man on a journey who wants to remember a slight and exact portion of the things he does. Anyway, onto recent events.

It seems we are committed to this bog, because we remain in this bog. I mean, we’re not in it as I write this but we kind of are. Istus, alright. Look.

As we trod through the bog we happen upon this stone archway. Atop it, carved into the stone, the image of a bird. Welltick susses out that it represents the Raven Queen, Goddess of Death. That may be enough to spook your everyday commoner, but not this band of boys and bear.

We venture through the archway and into what I can only describe as a bog-hole. It is full of more hocus pocus nonsense. Goofy images on the walls of men touching orbs and crossing thresholds. Further down we discover walls lined with tombs and a glowing opal. We probably argue for a while and in the end we figure the best plan of action is to touch it, so we touch it.

I cannot articulate what occurs next. It is not something that has happened to me before. It certainly is something, though. And after it happens, I look around to find that me and the boys are in a dark place. A place seemingly untouched by Istus or my Ioun. We are forsaken on some kind of stone slab suspended in a dark, dumb void. Certainly, this must be the spectral realm.

And then this cheery whistling guy shows up!

Fox greets him, and the guy isn’t much help. I don’t know what the guy was like before he was damned to the spectral realm, but I wouldn’t want to be friends with him. He talks a lot without saying much, so we walk away from the idiot and find ourselves at the edge of the stone slab. Just beyond the precipice we’re able to make out a large, shadowy structure. Looks ominous enough that it is probably important.

Luckily, there’s a bridge directly to the next slab, but, go figure, it is built not only of stone but also of hocus pocus horse shit magic. Every step we take on the thing, the destination grows further out of reach. We try a lot of things— flipping, walking backwards, closing our eyes— none of this works. Who is this most useless of beings that builds such a bridge? What is the point? I am not a civil engineer or anything but some advice to whoever built that thing: maybe don’t bother building a bridge that doesn’t do what bridges are supposed to do.

Upon realizing we all hate this pointless bridge, it becomes apparent that our only option is to jump the chasm. Thing is, it is full of souls or fire or something. “Waaater?” Nax wonders. “Ants.” Welltick insists. Nax is startled, as if scared of the suggestion of ants, but says “SNAKES????” A funny, small, mighty man, that Nax.

So Welltick and I get all racial about it and straight-up Feystep across the chasm, at which point a dizzying whirlwind of screaming souls erupt from below and pour into the looming structure ahead of us.

Fox and Nax jump across and join us. Uneventful chasm, in the end. Smoke and mirrors. I do not like dumb spectral magic. And, again, fuck that rude bridge.

We head toward the dark ziggurat before us, and on the way it dawns on me that The Bear is not with us. Fox has probably been worrying about him this whole time, ha ha! I do not consider the plight of others very often and maybe that is rude, but I didn’t sign up for this adventure thinking, “I hope I can spend a lot of time worrying about a bear!”

We bust open the doors of the structure and the inside is none too welcoming. Labyrinthine, glass walls, lined with wrinkly, naked, howling souls. They are kind of showboating.

We eventually reach the end of the maze and find ourselves in an altar. There’s a big round opening on the ceiling, with a pulsing feathery mass protruding from it. And a circular altar below it with a single feather or something. And some doorways. Nothing makes a lot of sense in this place. You can understand why it frustrates me.

So there are doors. And one says “To walk this path is to reclaim the greatest reward.” which we figure is a quick exit to return to our bodies in the Regular World where they don’t waste time building practical joke bridges.

And the other door says “To walk this path is to embrace the now.”

Thankfully, a hooded weirdo shows up to really clarify the situation by explaining that we are all in a gift for the Raven Queen, created by Thantos. She wants our souls, it seems. Great. Thanks, Thantos. Thantos.

We’re pretty tired of the whole production. I am, anyway. So we figure we might as well take that first door and get back to the real world. But once through the threshold we find ourselves in a cavernous room with no exit in sight. Do the walls start closing in? Sure they do. Thinking fast, I do my Obblet flippy-flips and vault to the top of the chamber, but the rest of the boys are still down there, getting crushed. I’m almost worried for them before realizing that this room, not unlike that bridge, is probably a bunch of nonsense. And just as soon as I shout that to the others, the illusion fades.

The next room is cold but it’s also bullshit, so let’s not dwell on it.

The final room is a large cube. On the wall it is written in smeared water: “THE FEATHER. THERECEPTACLE. THEVIAL.”

And the water starts filling up the room. Nax suggests we “Ride that water up like a fuckin’ surfboard to heaven.” This does not work. We, instead, sink to the bottom, finding the floor to be of an earthy consistency. We claw through wet loam for a moment before a great beast pulls us through.

It is the bear! The sweet bear!

And we are in an orchard. A beautiful sunlit orchard. And there are… people! Darg! And some dwarves that I assume are Nax’s relatives! And… wait… can it be? Is it Him?

The Goblin Saint? The Olive-Skinned Angel, himself?

…

IT IS. IT IS GREENO. AT LAST. OURJOURNEYHASCONCLUDED. I RUN TO EMBRACE MY DEARESTFRIEND. IT IS ALLTOOGOOD TO BE TRUE!

IT IS ALLTOOGOOD TO BE TRUE!

IT IS ALL… hmm… too good to be true…

IT IS ALLTOOGOOD TO BE TRUE.

Instantly confirming our doubts, welcome as the death rattle of a newly-born babe, we hear a distant whistling. Same as that guy, you know. What was his name? I don’t think he even gave us a name, so I’ll just call him Chekhov, a name I made up. It is Chekhov’s whistle.

The illusion shattered, we draw our weapons and slaughter these shadows of the people we hold dear.

May Istus one day summon the power to reach his wretched, knotty claws into this spirit world and draw the life from the beings that so callously presented us with the false image of our beloved Greeno. And also of Nax’s family, which was probably an emotional thing for him, but then again, I’m fairly certain he grabbed Greeno by the buttocks and performed what I assume is a dwarven friendship mouth ritual.

As the corpses bleed out, the world fades around us, and to no one’s surprise, we are still in that altar.

UGH.

Poke around a bit more, and we find the VAULT room, which is all rotatey. It’s got an urn in it, which we’re happy to assume is the aforementioned receptacle.

Back in the main room of the altar, the hooded weirdo is back, and he talks some more and tells us stories, but basically I’m just mad about the whole Greeno ordeal and fuck all of this I want to leave so let’s find the vial and leave these dumb people and this dumb world.

Entering another chamber we find a long wall of gates. “Only the Dead May Pass.” Basically looks like the original room we were in before we made the worst decision of our lives and touched that opal. Worse even than that time we let the bear hollow out Baron Stockmore’s cellarmaid, Istus rest her soul. Walking up the stairs, we find a dim stone, much like the opal we originally laid hands on. So we touch it, and it reveals the Regular World, where our bodies are all entombed. And now we just want to get back there as quickly as possible.

Thoroughly fed up with all of this, we prod around some more and find a doorway leading to the laboratory of Thantos, the giant. Thirty feet tall, three heads, branched arms. Around his neck, the vial. Figuring the greatest insult would be to deprive this guy of the satisfaction of combat, we decide to get sneaky, because this guy is busy with Giant Science Stuff anyway. Nax tip-toes in first, but one of Thantos’ heads stares at him. Nimble Fox rushes to salvage the operation and, scurrying up the distracted behemoth’s body, manages to snatch the vial. This makes for a nice moment up until he immediately drops it. But I’m so intent on leaving this shithole that I pull off a borderline-miraculous feat of acrobatics and catch the thing without making a peep.

Welltick distracts Thantos as we exit the room by shoving his Dick in the giant’s face, which is basically what every being in the spectral realm deserves.

And that’s where we are, I think. Unless we’ve already escaped. Maybe we have and I’m just having a hard time believing it. Ha ha. If not, we’re still here for a little while longer and everything’s terrible.

Other than that? Burning bottle of ash, crippling night terrors, the usual.

Goodbye for now, journal. I will write again soon to chronicle another thrilling 25 percent of my travels.

Hesher

I would just like to lead off by saying Bahamut is a great god. A god that demands nothing but devotion. Istus requires detailed journal entries. I like killing things. Fighting. I do not like “writing” and “the arts.” Arts, farts. FAAAAAART

Istus is good, possibly an egg. Bahamut is great.

Anyway, where was I? The first thing i remember in this leg of our journey was Duggan departing to start piecing things together. That Duggan.

So remember that girl with the sending stone? The one that turned out to be a skeleton? We take her bones! Everyone is pleased with out job. Not our job of taking the bones, but our job of vanquishing the enemy. Yeah, i used the word vanquishing and i am an illiterate dwarf. SO WHAT? Anyway, onward and upward. Make our way to Timbervale.

Did you know Istus is actually a female god? I did some research recently using a god named “Googele” which directed me to a god named “wikipedia” and i found this out. The more you know. NBC. What is an NBC?

Anyway, we find Rangren at a tavern. Nice fella. The tavern, however, is crowded as shit. Last time we were here, not so much. What happened? We ripped this town from the shackles of oppression is what happened. We have pleased Rangren (no homo, except for obblet and welltick) and he gives us $1,000!!! He gave me a nice present too. No I will not give you details, nosey. We decice, “hey, let’s buy our adoring fans a beer and a shot!!” Buy a round for the house. 3 gold! 3 goddamn gold! Bahamut is great! Praise be to Bahamut!

For a hot minute we discussed adopting children. We would be great fathers. 4 men and a baby (and a gigantic fucking bear). Alas! We say NAY! That child might get raped. I am not sure who said that or why, but it is true. Rape: Not funny.

ANYWAY, we go find Fiona at the orphanage. Charming little place, what with the abandoned kids and all. Rustic. We then pull her friends bones out. We give her said bones. She balls her eyes out. This emotion confuses me. Then, get a load of this: she drops the bones and cracks her friends skull! Some friend. She gives us the other sending stone. Now we have a set. We bury the bones and i preside over the funeral. Bahamut uber alles. If you listen carefully, the wind says “THAAAAANKYOUUUUUU.”

So then we walk into this shop. And this shopkeep, who we will call Dinarv…no wait, D. D asks us to stock the shelves. We oblige. We finish. FIne job if i do say so myself. Then we play tricks. Big tricks. Obblet the trickster distracts D and LOCKS him im in a BUREAU!!! A BUREAU!!!! THEEENNNN Fox sneaks into the backroom and finds…DANKGRASS!!! I have only heard mythical stories. Wicked fucking stories. FLOWERBLOOM 11TH MAN!!! We light that shit and blow it into the bureau with a bellows. Welp, he is an addict now. Oh well. Weak minded, yeah? He gives us a map.

Well we go and talk to the bartender Tala. ANd we say “Hey tala! Here is 100 gold! keep an eye on D for a few months, yeah? help him break the habit! Dank grass is not good!!!” She says yeah of course and lets us stay in the in for free! Praise be to Bahamut.

We settle into our room and order room service. Welltick, against everyone’s better judgement after witnessing D, smokes the dank grass. His face, almost instantly, turns white. A look of terror strikes him. No response. The rest of us decide it best to go to sleep.

We wake up the next morning aaaand… Welltick is in the same position. Oh brother. The work of Istus no doubt. 3 hours later, he falls to the ground like a sack of bricks. He says there is no way to describe it. Cool story, bro. FAAAAAART

We venture to Aleg’s house! We put forth a proposal to purchase the brewery. After much bargaining, we come to a deal: we get the brewery back up and running and staffed and we split the profit 70% for us, 30% for him. NO MONEYDOWN. We put together a motley crew, indeed: Fiona, Tomart(?), Wolfa, Ofgeald, THorin, and Borin. THorin and Borin: they are legitimate. No fuckin around there.

ANYWAY: We go to the brewery. Kind of really a mess. We rummage, look this way and that. Head to the basement: GELATINOUSCUBE! FIGHT!

Yeah, after much hardship we beat said cube. I was in him at one point.

We leave the basement where the cube was and run into the new crew. Mention the mess of the former cube to the crew and thorin and borin hop on it to taste. Possible ingredient in a future brew. BEETEEDUBS: Name of brewery is STONESANDBONESBREWERY. We take a break: HESHER.

ANYWAY: we left for the hole in the map. (quick aside: there is a hole in the map that intrigues us.) THEN Duggan catches up to us. He gives us letters from the tomb! Welltick and I buy horses, Obblet and Fox try cracking the messages. They crack the messages, but i do not understand it.

We setup camp for the night and in the morning this mystery boy brings us coffee. In exchange, we teach him how to hit on hot little Fiona. “I’ve got a BONE for YOU!” (In reference to her friend, ms. bag of bones) then lick ear. You must whisper this into her ear. HOT.

Then we got a letter from the red cape faggot. He is part of “The Golden Pride.” The Golden Gay Pride? Maybe. His letter says “Know that we are with you, even if you are not with us.” What the fuck is that shit? He is the one that stormed into our team, gave us no details, then left with no warning or detail. And he has the balls? He will get his.

We get up and go. We stop and see a stickbug. Majestic. We notice a large daed forest. Obblet theorizes that it is a lot of stick bugs. Maybe he had the dank grass? We notice croakers (AH HA!) in the forest stripping the trees. FIGHT! Of course we make short work of them though. We are experienced fighters. Made all the stronger by our experience together. They are giant frogs. Do that math slapnut.

ANYWAY, after making short work of them, we find boots.

Then this lady in the water thanks us. She is the protector of the forest. She gives me a floating orb which is a POWERJEWEL.

We finally get to the hole on the map, which turns out to be an expansive bog. Hmm, maybe Welltick was right? No, definitely not. Eww, it smells bad. We see a man made structure in the distance. It is hard, but we cross the bog to the stone structure. It goes down into the bog. We see an outline of a bird. a Carrion bird to be specific. It is a crow or a raven. we decide to call it a day. much exploring ahead. Bahamut, be good. Istus, yeah.

and a hell of a basement!

THECITADEL IS THREESTORIES

Occasional torchlight illuminates our path through the otherwise dark innards of the Citadel. Obblet leads the way, his snake close at hand. Suddenly the room is filled with choking mist, and a siren pierces the quiet. A trap! We are met by two orcs who spy us from the other end of a long hallway. This is a dangerous bottleneck, to be sure.

Duggan, bringing up the rear of our party, shouts “There are 4 dwarves, being held prisoner in this adjacent room!” You know how all dwarves know each other? He makes a big deal out of saying we should save these dwarves.

Obblet, Welltick and I oblige Duggan by entering the adjacent room, but we are met by even more orc guards. Amidst the battle cries in the hallway, and the guards in this small chamber, we have jumped from the frying pan to the fire! Obblet cracks the lock on the dwarf cell and sets them free. It would be awesome if they helped out, because we’re really in a hot LZ right now, but they’re too exhausted from sitting around in a cage all day. Typical lazy dwarves.

Something is terrifying about these orcs. We’ve killed plenty of orcs. I don’t recall any who have regenerated their limbs in a battle. This is an unsettling development. Backed into a corner, Welltick gets hit by 2 battleaxes but uses the brooch to halve the damage. So he only takes the net damage of 1 battleaxe directly to the face.

Duggan isn’t looking too good either. Maybe this has been too much for him. Ronald chews his way through the last orc with relative ease, and this clears the room. Welltick checks out a trapdoor in this dwarf chamber. There are good boots down there. They are ochre, and Welltick saw them first, so he takes them immediately.

We meet someone friendly here. Or we remember him vividly. Or we find a note he left. His name is Thane, or Rhengrin. Rhengrin definitely fled to the Timbervale, that’s something we all remember for sure. And that’s why we’re on this hunt in the first place. Help me, Istus.

Rhengrin or Thane (who can say) tells us that Hyrkzog, the orc chieftain, lives on the 3rd floor. Hyrkzog is known for his fearsome mask, which has many enchantments and magic powers.

Before we leave this room, I search a small side-room office area. Here I find a Stone Heart that looks very suspicious, but picking it up reveals that it is just an ordinary Stone Heart. I also find the keys to the prison cells on this level. We give the Heart to Duggan and we use the jailer’s keys to free 8 more goodfornothing dwarves.

We go upstairs. Ronald’s bearsense starts tingling, we all start to itch for a battle. It’s a nice big open space, and then we see him. This must be Hyrkzog, lurching over his two shorter minions.
I launch a successful Shadow Wasp Strike on Hyrkzog and he immediately begins to float, up to an opening in the roof. Ronald, itching for a fight, tries his hardest to climb the rope with his clumsy bear hands. The only way he could land an attack from the rope would be to jump off and try to grab Hyrkzog in mid-air. I talk him out of it. His acrobatics are pitiful. “You could hurt yourself!” I say, concerned. “Little fall never stopped old big bear,” he roars. Oh Ron. Obblet and I hop up the rope to the roof where we can get a better shot on Hyrkzog. Obblet lands a great attack on the Boss and shimmies back down the rope to kill an orc shaman, because orcs have no business learning magic.

Breathing deep, I aim true and launch two arrows directly into Hyrkzog’s mask holes. He falls to the ground below, and a healthy crunch signals to all of us he is dead.

We give Duggan the Stone Eye we found. Obblet takes some gloves.

The owner of that mysterious sending stone is up here. Although the stone is still broadcasting her whispers to us, she’s been dead a long time. Does the sending stone send from…hell!?

No time to see for sure. We’re off to bind Stonefang back to the Pit of Doom forever.

He’s a big boy!!!!!

He’s got over 600hp and he’s a big big boy. Duggan runs to each spell circle and utters an incantation to bind Stonefang to the Pit of Doom.

First Duggan binds the Rib, doing 100 damage to Stonefang,
next Duggan binds the Eye, doing 120 damage to Stonefang. He’s bloodied!
Duggan tosses the Hand to Welltick, and Welltick binds it. Stonefang loses 100 more HP.
This is Welltick’s 3rd crit in a row!

Nax has been taking damage the whole time and finally falls unconscious and starts spasming on the ground. We finally notice that he was here, playing, this entire session, but we can’t stop now. Stonefang heaves his heavy limbs toward us, smashing stalactites off the ceiling and shattering rocks as he goes. Obblet phase-steps into the final circle and shouts for the Stone Heart. Duggan binds the Heart, dealing 140 damage to Stonefang. Welltick casts Cloud of Daggers on Stonefang, who is now as weak as a kitten, and Stonefang dies. A huge beam of light blasts out of the Pit of Doom, and a sense of peace falls over all of us and Nax.

A card appears in this chamber, while the dust from the Great Binding of Stonefang still settles around us. This is what we came for. Welltick tucks it into his Scintillating Robe, with a devilish wink.

God damn cave. Always with these caves. Croaker caves, ice caves, and now whatever the hell this kind of cave is. Caves, caves, caves. Some probably prefer these shadowy caverns, but surface-dwellers like myself prefer to remain in light. I’ll bet the bear is loving it. A wild animal living a wild, wild life.

After our long rest, Welltick shamelessly fists the asshole of a slain spider and pulls out a handful of web, which he must think is of some significant value, because he puts it in his coat. I think my cousin is a hoarder. I think he might have some psychological issues. And I think we might one day enter his home to find his long-deceased corpse buried under the weight of his own collected treasures. But we are in a cave and we have orcs to kill and these are issues to worry about when we are not in a cave with orcs to kill.

We proceed through an expansive hallway, lined by great statues of giants. Nax is none too impressed by them, shouting “Giants are no match for a dwarf!” I have to hand it to him— even if I have to stoop down to do so, ha ha!— he’s not lacking in self-esteem.

We walk for ages, and after what feels like exactly one half hour, just as I start to worry we are on a road to nowhere, we reach a great slabbed doorway, at the base of which we find the severed arm of an orc in a pool of blood. The poor creature must’ve been caught in the entryway as the slab came down on him. I do not feel sorry for him because orcs do not have Ioun in their heart. He probably deserved it, as any orc you meet is some kind of vile thief, scheming creton, or psycho killer. The arm bears a golden bracelet inscribed with the seal of the Severed Eye, our dear foes. I wouldn’t put anything past those Severed Eye folks. We’ve seen them do some pretty awful things, like that time we caught them surrounding a poor farming family’s home, laughing, burning down the house.

Yoink! Steal that bracelet for sure.

We attempt to lift the stone slab ourselves— even the bear— but are unsuccessful. It is a stone slab, after all. No handles or anything. It is an effective stone slab in this regard.

To the left of the blocked doorway we see a set of stairs leading up to another hallway. Rangram told us of a gatehouse deep within these caves. This must be the place.

Through the doorway we see a hall, the walls of which are lined with slits. Likely for arrows. Certainly, it must be booby-trapped. Welltick dispatches his Dick, and it detects numerous pressure-sensitive plates. At the end of the dark hallway, six glowing red dwarven runes. The red lights turn off, as if sensing our presence, and from the darkness spawn metallic snakes. The gate comes crashing down and Nax gets pinned by the thing. And if you’re wondering, “Is Nax extremely pissed off about getting pinned down by this fucking gate?” The answer is: yes, Nax is extremely pissed off about getting pinned down by this fucking gate.

My pal Foxy and I attempt to destroy the gate and quell Nax’s bellowing, but what happens instead is that we both get poisoned. All the while the snakes continue to attack the helpless dwarf. Welltick finally steps in and, deploying a force orb (“Force orb and seven years ago!” shouts Nax) he shatters the gate, howling “That’s a BULLSHITGATE!”

Nax is up and fighting again, and that’s a good thing because we are all poisoned. But without that god damn gate to worry about, we make short work of the snakes. We’re a bit worse for the wear, but we press on. We have battles to fight. That’s just life during wartime for you.

Careful to avoid the rigged tiles, Nax makes his way to the end of the hallway and reads the dwarven runes. “Only friends may enter.” We quickly deduce that this is some sort of dwarven supremacist area, and decide that the best route is for Nax to enter the gatehouse alone. We peer around the corner and observe, waiting to jump into action if need be.

The room is filled with turrets and automatons. They regard Nax. He carefully inspects his surroundings and finds a plus-sized automaton behind some doors. On the automaton are more dwarven runes, which seem to outline a ritual. Welltick, being the expert, feysteps into the room with the automaton to avoid detection and performs the ritual. As this happens, we hear what can only be the stone slab lifting. Which is great, but we also hear what can only be a horde of orcs making their way through the stone-slabbed doorway.

And this is the part so often featured in many of our journal entries: chaos. Blood everywhere. The orcs storm the hallway. Fox, Ronald and I stand our ground at the end of the hall and slowly advance upon them. Many of them are mowed down by the arrows triggered by the booby-trapped tiles they so carelessly tread upon.

Meanwhile, Welltick and Nax harness the power of the automaton. Alongside their fighting machine, they rein fury upon any orcs that slip past our defenses into the gatehouse, as well as the other smaller automatons.

The encounter is harrowing, and in the blind rage of battle, we hardly even notice that the bear is matted with blood. But we all fight on, and just as we are picking off the last few orcs, the bear is on his last legs. He is at death’s door.

We finish off the orcs and rush to the bear. It is quiet now. The bear’s eyelids are lowering, slowly. He seems to be dreaming of salmon. His eyes seem to be saying, “Take me to the river.” Fox is distraught, but seems to take comfort in the fact that he will very shortly resurrect Ronald for the second time. So he does that and Ronald is fine.

We rummage through the corpses and find some gold, as well as a strength-granting stone hand that should prove ‘handy’ in future battles.

We have much cave left to explore. I cannot say if we’ve finished off the last of the orcs. I hope so, but I also know they tend to breed in large numbers. Like the Irish, if “the Irish” were a people that existed. So I would not be surprised to find more as we journey deeper.

We’ve yet to find the young dwarven girl we’re looking for. She was allegedly lost to the caves when the orcs raided. I guess sometimes when orcs raid your caves, sometimes people will get left behind. And she was.

I sometimes wonder why we continue onward in the face of such constant opposition. But it is obvious: we are adventurers. With adventurers’ hearts. And an adventure like this… is once in a lifetime.

My god, Bahamut, what happened? It feels like we went for days with no rest. Let me try my best to recount this. We woke up in a room where we killed some person claiming to be the winter queen. We did not believe her so we killed her in her cage and then went to sleep and that is when we woke up and that is where this starts.

If anyone finds this and reads this you can probably just skim this because we seriously went for what seemed like days and more happened in this journal post than any other journal post I or anyone else has probably ever done.

We woke up to Obblet screaming and he smelled bad. At least that is what i recall. We kind of explored the hallways and Ron opened a door. We find scientific notes and a gnome alchemist had used it as a lab and the notes were hard to read.

We then go to another door and it says warning do not open punishable by death. Omnious. Invites adventure. We are adventurers. Obblet unlocks the door and it looks like an old guard room. Welltick explained that it is there to keep people in or out of another room and there might be ghosts here? Like i said, i am trying to recall a lot and i dont much remember what he was talking about. Part of the reason i do not remember what he said is because i feel the presence of ghosts and i yelled at the ghosts and then welltick speaks to the ghosts. He says they are free to go and we open the door and they vanish. We enter the room and it is well preserved AND there is a transport circle. we saw these once. Then the wraiths re-emerge, at least i think it is the same ones. My memory is very foggy. It was time to fight and we chant “ISTUSSUCKS”. He is not Bahamut. My dear Bahamut. The ghosts are tricky guys and they slide us around and make obblet swing at ronald. We killed the ghosts, but to get perfectly philosphical moment, i do not think you can actually kill a ghost.

We entered a new room w a huge dragon and lots of other people some expressionless and some screeming in terror and obblet prys loose a goblin totem and we unfreeze a dwarf that had been frozen for maybe like a hundred years and he does not even know the winter king. We unfreeze from other people and some of them die and some of them run and marco tripped and killed one.

Here is the doozy. The guy erestor we unfreeze him. At this time i am still QUITESKEPTICAL of him. But then he explains that it was his doppleganger that sent us back and he is erestor and he is their grandfather. I am now a believer. He has retrieved what he came for and now we leave. Marco and the dwarf stay behind. As we enter the void, we hear the dragon roar. Oh well, not our problem marc, take care of it. Maybe you can trip him and kill him too. Ha ha ha. We collide with ourselves and we are back.

Erestor begins to tell us his tale and explains that dick belongs to him. No more dick for welltick. Erestor explains that he fools around with time travel. This is where it gets weird an over my head (not hard when you are a dwarf!!!) and he sys he notices a change in present after time traveling and even the journals change, but maybe they didn’t? I am not sure and i feel like asking the other adventurers but i am scared they will call me a dumb dumb.

He found a playing card in the past. These cards corresponded to large, dramartic events happening out of no where i think he said. He states that if you get the whole deck you get the ultimate power. He wants to collect the whole deck and destroy it. He then proceeds to tell us about the thunder spiral labyrinth and it is a mountain with tunnels and a civilized on top.He mentions STONEFANGPASS from whence i descended.

Now we are on the way to STONEFANGPASS (my memory is very choppy, i should have maybe taken an in between journal rather than try and remember all of this because a lot happened in between journals) and darg says to go south. Then we went to the general store because we were able to pack the store with people due to Obblet’s acrobatics, Fox’s arrow, and my lying and we get a discount. We buy horses. I think 2 of them were named luther and nibble snax, but that does not matter. I named mine Daddy’s Vacation in Wisconsin.

We stopped at Treona’s! She was not there and we find books. For some reason i remember the following and i do not know what any of it means: textiles, civil engineering, furnishings, orchard, government.

We approach fallcrest. Holy moly we were there in olden times. Everything looks better than we remember and there is a nice fountain in the middle and as we get a closer look we realize that the fountain is us! Then we start asking people about the winter king and the adventurers on the fountain. Their details are hazy and they are ungrateful and they dont believe that we are the great adventurers that saved this shit town.

We setup camp and have to scare some squirrels away. Heron assures us about the south route. Obblet finds demonic papers in his sleep then he wakes up. Very hazy memory.Heron’s owner approaches: IM Rodoace. What?

Now we are looking for Lord and Lady Sevrim. The town is empty and we are told to go to the knothole. Apparently there has been a dwarven civil war and a cult of dwarves split the group.

We go to lady Sevrim’s house and she let us in and it is a nice house. Kinda poor looking. Not what i would expect of a lord and lady. Friendly though. Very concerned about the town. We leave our horses in their stable and brand them.

We run into a dwarven girl and she asks us to find Flinka’s sending stone. We agree. We come to a rickety bridge. Very dangerous situation. A couple hypographs attack us and we fight. I notice a thing, a man?, in a shelter nerby. We kill the gryphs and he disappears. I fall in the water and grab a rock. Obblet jumped onto the rock with me for some reason. I lost a rope. Obblet lost a grappling hook. After many unsuccessful tries, we make it to land.

We get to the cave and get into a big battle. I feel into a cave, but got out. Then we rested and i am here now.

Very very hazy and bad journal entry. Should split this up next time. Good day. Istus sucks.

but she's dead as hell

Listen I’ve seen a bunch of crazy stuff since I’ve started hanging out with these guys, Welltick, Naxgarth, and Obblet. Ronald and I have been traveling together for years and it’s always been pretty peaceful. Every now and again someone who doesn’t know any better will try to pet Ronald. This is a mistake! But that’s as exciting as it’s ever been.

But this? This is crazy! We are in an ice cave, 600 years prior to where we started. A boat talked to me! It talked to all of us! It basically held us hostage, demanding we return the Ice Scepter to the Winter King. So whatever, we’ll do it, and hopefully it gets us back to our own time.

We awake in a kitchen, fully restored from a bunch of fighting. Leaving the kitchen we find that the area is slightly less frozen. The room is decorated with ornate dwarven carvings. They seem to tell a story but it isn’t clear. If only we had a dwarf in our party who knew anything of his race’s own mythology. Do these tell of a Dwarf Atlantis? A Dwarf Holocaust? Are we currently in a Dwarf Holocaust, perhaps?

A library is in the next room and the thaw is becoming more apparent. In fact, most of the books and scrolls here are ruined and moldy from water damage. Obblet uncovers a vial of Dragonbreath, which he keeps. Nax attempts to knock over one of the shelves in the library but they are made of very heavy stone.

This room holds the throne of the Winter King. He sits upon his throne and just as we are about to proclaim that he’s not so bad, we realize we are standing on frozen dwarf corpses. That’s a bit too much for us so we leave immediately.

Outside the throne room is a room with a well. The wizard sends down Richard, who scurries down with ease and makes it back up with a pouch of 100 gold pieces! Fantastic.

Past the well is a room decorated with 3 silver mirrors and a ceremonial gong. Never to back away from a challenge, we of course hit the gong two times and are approached by a troop of the Winter King’s guards. We can’t talk our way out of this one, so we have to kill all 3 of them. Welltick and Nax each kill one, leaving the last guard in a tight spot. Nax puts us to a vote, and we vote to finish off the troop (he might run for reinforcements otherwise). Naxgarth’s hammer flies true, and he knocks the head clean off.

We don’t get a chance to enjoy the spice packets they dropped because the next room has a tiefling, an ogre, and 2 skeletons waiting for us. Obblet attempts diplomacy but it doesn’t work on the tiefling, who lights the 2 skeletons on fire and sicks them on us. While we’re distracted by the ambush, the tiefling lands a dance curse on Obblet and lights him on fire. The ogre terrorizes the party, and Welltick demands that Ronald do at least 10 damage. This sends Ronald into a frenzy, and he kills the ogre and 2 skeletons for good measure. Marco, who has been here the whole time I guess, controls the tiefling, slowing it down for Welltick to blast it to pieces. In the rubble, we find the Amulet of Companionship and a Fire Key.

The next room looks like some sort of lounge area or meeting room. Welltick immediately searches under the rug, finds a bandana, and puts it on. Naxgarth takes the Winter King’s tub for a test drive. We find a door behind the toilet, which actually opens up to a passage that leads us back to the throneroom. Alright, it’s time.

The Winter King demands we bow when we return the Ice Scepter, which brings him back to life. Marco runs in terror when he hears the king speak, and the king launches an ice attack, freezing Marco in his tracks. Obblet drinks the Dragonbreath Elixir and the rest of us spring into action. Sigh. I knew this was going to happen. Welltick’s thunder attacks aren’t doing anything against the king. Obblet uses a handspring assault. I try my Shadow Wasp Strike but I miss yet again. Ronald does a serious hit, and Naxgarth bloodies him. The Winter King has a menacing blast attack that starts to shake stalactites loose from the ceiling for lots of damage. Obblet uses a very slick interrupt attack at the last second, killing the Winter King. We take the Crown of Winter and the Ice Scepter for ourselves and start to look for a way out.

On our way through the rest of the rooms, we come across a ghostly figure who asks us for the Ice Key and the Fire Key. We only have the Ice Key so we keep moving.

Now we’re in a prison, with corpses rotting in cells. A huge hairy thing is sleeping in a cell in the corner. There’s a nasty old lady in a cell who begs us to set her free. She tries to convince us that she was once the Winter Queen, and that the Ice Key we seek is with a dragon named Thrymen. Great, we say. Seeya, we say. Gotta get back to 600 years from now, where we’re considered heroes and women throw themselves at us. SORRY.

She pulls some funny business as we start to leave the room, and all the cell doors pop open. Whatever, because we kill all the creatures and we kill her because she’s a crazy bitch and we have dethroned kings.