its the end of the line. for both you and i. we tried our best. no matter how hard i try, no matter how far i would go for you. it doesnt make the cut for both of us. distance is a major factor, and partly because we didnt know each other like really really really know each other from the very beginning.

i know i had this difficult past that i need to deal with. theres few she and few friends that you shouldnt really take it seriously. they mean no harm, and nobody, nothing to you. this jealousy is like a disease. you cant make me choose between you and those people. i cant go back home everytime you want me there.

i too, sometimes blame myself for having a life like this. i tried. i always wanted to live normally, peacefully just like the rest of us. i tried not to have any more ties with those twitter people. i even abandon some of them. what else do you want from me?

so i think lets stop right here. now. before we both get hurt, again, badly. maybe were never really meant to be together, no matter how hard, how far we tried. were just like 2 last piece of puzzle what wont fit.

sigh..

our desire for attention overshadowed our needs to be loved. back then, were just two individuals who desires for attention, not love. look at us. were connected more than before but it feels so wrong, so far, disconnected. both at heart and mind.

awak, we are no longer young. and we both cant afford any fuckups at this point of life. and thats why i failed to see our future together. i just cant see what is going to happen next. and its no longer fun when we both fight over silly stupid things. we supposed to treat silly jokes as jokes, not a licence to sulk and idk how sometimes it turns into a fight. cant you see?

loving is not about giving attentions, its not always about rainbows and butterflies, flowers and chocs, goodmorning and goodnight, the sun, the moon. its more than that. its something we both failed to digest. we both failed to use.

i know you probably wont read this. nobody would. but this is where i pour my heart and soul, with all my might. this is where a person like me, cries.

i am sorry, for letting you go. and for all of my failures. i tried my best to fulfill all of my promises. and it seems like its not enough. let me be the one who said sorry. i do enjoy our moments together but heaven seems like to have another plan ahead for us.

its been a while since the last post. a month ago. i hit rock bottom. everything seems so lost, so out of place. so gone. it doesnt feel the same anymore. right after major all stars. i feel like i am disconnected from people who i believe to be among those people who i keep close. miscommunication, misunderstanding and all sorts.

right now, all of my past wrongdoings everything - is getting back at me. tried to run away. but it doesnt seem like its the best solution

i get mad and angry easily. easily lose my cool and temper. i get tired and gave up easily. i fucked up. i tried to make myself busy all the time and ignore the all of those things but it seems to get to me in various ways a person could ever imagine. trouble was here n there for me. everywhere i go, theres trouble awaits.

my aunt and my cousin passed away last 3 week. it was hard on me. it was super hard on mom. i cant watch her cry, mourning over my aunt's death. day and night. it was hard on everybody. i could not deal with my own problems and sometimes, it just happen. one after another. my other 2 cousin is pretty much alright but not my uncle. he broke his ribs, going multiple surgeries and transferred into few hospital. its now my responsibility to look after them. trying to digest these things, and at the same time trying to figure out and solve my own problems...sigh...

its all coming back to me. one thing is for sure. running away from all of these problem wont help me solve em. i become lazy. a person with full of excuse, sometimes even..i did the worst thing possible..

i dont know where do i begin. i dont know where and when all of these going to stop. i let people down. i let too much people down. i didnt respect myself. and i've lost the respect from the people who i think matters the most to me.

ali texted me last night.no actually 3 days in a row. but i didnt really rply anything because i was out of my mind and under some bad influence. but yesteday was different. i am sober. i sleep the whole day away and waking up to his text. my mind - crystal clear.

he asked what happen to me. also asked for help. to look over him as i passed down the tjlanparty down. i have these flashback of the past. my head hurts. but i know this is the right thing to do. i have been letting people down for so long. importantly, myself.

i know only i, myself can stop all of these misfortune and bad behavior, put and end to it. no matter how far i tried to run or not to accept this from happening, it wont. i have to deal with it. no more running. no more pretending to be fine while ur not.

let today be the day where i learn to pick up myself all over again. and we gonna do this once again