Thursday, October 29, 2009

Middle or End?

Wow. I haven't been here in a long time. Thank you so much to all who have bothered to write and comment. It matters. I appreciate you.

I'm on Twitter now. It occurred to me that maybe if I could Tweet throughout the day about my feelings and choices, it might help me stay abstinent moment by moment. It hasn't worked that way so far. But maybe it will at some point.

I'm definitely in relapse. The question is, where am I in the relapse. Am I in the middle, or am I at the end? I know the answer to that question... It's up to me. It's all about my conscious decisions. Will I choose life and God? Will I choose my health and well-being? Will I choose a life of freedom? Or will I choose illness, instability, chaos, bondage? Will I choose death?

It's 7:14pm where I live, and today... Today I am abstinent. Against all odds, I am abstinent. What a gift. What grace.

Now what?

I know a meeting is in order. I called my local OA contact person tonight and left a message. There's a Saturday 8:30am meeting I could get to. I hope I choose to do that.

Willingness. Honesty. Open-mindedness.

I remember those words. I remember the feeling of freedom. I remember losing 65 pounds. I remember fitting in my clothes. I led a meeting for a long time. I loved it. I loved it so much.

Why did I walk away? Why am I seriously contemplating eating some Halloween candy... right now!?

Self-hatred, I think. And fear. And a sense of helplessness. And plain and simple poor choices.

So is there hope for me? Yeah, I still believe there is. I "know" there is - intellectually, that is.

Your posting, especially the part, "Am I in the middle, or am I at the end? I know the answer to that question... It's up to me. It's all about my conscious decisions. Will I choose life and God? Will I choose my health and well-being? Will I choose a life of freedom? Or will I choose illness, instability, chaos, bondage? Will I choose death?" is such a powerful reminder of how HP works in our lives. You sound like you have some strong recovery already in you and it's just time to get back on track and keep on truckin"!

Also, thank you Legally Barb for the info re: ABC's of Abstinence...I have heard of this workshop and even had a handout from it that I found online, but I could never find the actual audio from the sessions.

Thanks, both of you. It's good to know there are people out there rootin for me. :) I ended up talking to the OA rep here, and I'm planning to get to a meeting tomorrow morning. I'm still abstinent. (Didn't eat the halloween candy.) Thanks be to God! Barb, I'll check out the link. Thank you.

Charlie's Been Abstinent...

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Are You a Compulsive Overeater?

Here are some questions to ask yourself. The only requirement to become a member of Overeaters Anonymous is a desire to stop eating compulsively.

1. Do you eat when you're not hungry?2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?10. Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating?11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish?12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?