Stefan and Boone are having the first of what I’m sure will be many (many, so many) arguments this season over how to best help Elena transition. Stefan is committed to getting her on a regime of animal blood immediately. He hopes it will help her bypass all the things he and Boone (and every other vampire) has gone through. “You name a vampire who didn’t kill at least one person when they were new.” Stefan insists that if Elena hurts someone, her amplified compassion will make her incapable of handling it. She’ll crumble and flip the switch to shut off the pain. Boone, naturally, au contraires. “You name me one [vampire] who went on a bunny diet and didn’t kill dozens. She needs human blood, Stefan. From the vein.” And if she does hurt someone, Elena will get over it. “In a hundred years or so. She can’t learn to control the blood lust if she’s never actually experienced the blood lust.”

“It’s a cheat. Like giving a kid a calculator before they know math.”

Boone also lets Elena know he’s not on board with the animal plan. Rip the band-aid off and let it bleed. “You’re a vampire. Be a vampire.” Boone sends her off to the forest with a final parting shot.

“Vampires eat people!”

Or, to quote one of my all time favorite lines from True Blood, “Honey, if we can’t kill people, what’s the point of being a vampire?”

Elena gets off to a rocky start. Stefan runs down a bambi for her but feeding from it leaves her in tears. They try again later, with Stefan coaching her at being a predator. All Elena can focus on is Stefan. Eat later, woodland sexy times now! Until Elena suddenly pushes Stefan away and double times it deeper into the forest. She collapses to her knees and holds back her hair as she vomits up the deer blood. When she later admits that the blood “kind of” made her sick, Stefan reassures her that it took him a month of choking it down before he could stomach the taste. This celebratory champagne, on the other hand, will go down like silk.

Matt is with Jeremy at the high school. They’re loading paper lanterns into an SUV. They will be lit and released after the town memorial in honor of the dead.

“Nobody thought fire might be a little inappropriate?”

HAH! Oh, Matt. I heart you, QB1. He angsts at Jeremy about Elena, insisting he’ll do anything to pay her gift of life forward. Well, except for giving her a ride somewhere. Try the veal, he’ll be here all week. They’re joined by Pastor Young’s daughter, April, just home from boarding school. You know. Because her dad blew up. She awkwards that she doesn’t know what to say about the explosion or when people tell her that they’re sorry. She babbles that she’s being a freak. Jeremy is in love with her already.

Sheriff Mom finds Boone at the Grill enjoying a liquid breakfast. She drops the day’s paper in front of him. Faulty gas line leads to tragic explosion at Young farm > Town council blown up, police have no suspects. She can stop wondering if Boone had anything to do with it. “I always take credit for killing people. If I was going to kill 12 people I wouldn’t blow them up. I’d have a dinner party.” While Liz is feeling sad for the friends she lost, she can also remember that some of them tried to kill her daughter. Their conversation is interrupted by Connor Jordan. He’s an “independent contractor” and fingerless driving glove enthusiast. He pulls Sheriff Mom away and Boone has to endure a second interrogation from Elena. “Am I wearing my ‘I blew up the Council’ t-shirt?” He turns back to his drink and Elena confides the problem she’s having keeping down animal blood. Boone sweeps his arm out, telling her to pick a meal. Elena rejects the idea of human blood. She has to get through this without hurting anyone. Boone drags her into the ladies room and locks the door behind them. He opens up a wound in his hand with his teeth. “You’re a new vampire, Elena. You need warm blood from the vein. Maybe this will do the trick.”

That should be clues one and two for Elena to turn and run as fast as she can, but the blood is right there. The shiny, candy like blood. The blood, the blood MY GOD THE BLOOD! “Just drink.” She takes his hand and Boone staggers back against the wall. He strokes her hair as she leans into him, both of them focused on nothing else but the feed. It is the sexiest sexy time you can have upright and fully clothed.

Caroline is having her own crisis of sexy time conscience. “This is wrong! A bunch of people died and we’re having sex. It’s selfish.” Dean Winchester would agree with her. You sit in the dark and you feel the loss. Tyler tells her it’s grief sex. It’s healthy and natural.

“Besides, if we stopped having sex every time somebody died in this town, we’d explode.”

Hee! The doorbell rings downstairs, and Connor Jordan introduces himself to Mrs. Mayor. She iterates Sheriff Mom’s message that what happened at the farm house is an internal matter. He prefers the term cover up. He pushes past her into the front hall as Tyler comes downstairs to see what’s going on. Connor blandly extends his (gloved) hand. Tyler howls in pain the minute they shake. Connor reacts reflexively. He keeps a firm grip on Tyler while reaching into his belt with his other hand for his gun. He empties his clip into Tyler’s chest. As he reloads, Mrs. Mayor shrieks at her son to run. His eyes snap open and he flings himself through the window with Connor following close behind. Tyler shakes the hunter and heads for the Salvator manse. Caroline frets over Stefan’s shoulder as he pulls the wooden bullets out of Tyler. Stefan notes the bullets have been carved to a specific length and width for maximum non-hybrid vampire killing ability. There’s a sigil carved into each one and they burn to the touch. They could be steeped in vervain but it’s also possible they’re spelled. So a hunter with some mojo, then.

Elena and Matt are helping set up for the memorial service. Elena is wearing an absolutely cunning little dusty pink lace frock. Matt worries that she’s looking a little “strung out.” Elena blames her “heightened” (and … drink!) emotions. “Just the sight of all the names of the dead makes me want to cry for a week.” But these are people she’s known her whole life. She had to volunteer. She notices poor orphan April sitting alone and goes to join her. They haven’t seen each other since Elena’s parents’ funeral. April worries that she’s expected to say something, but she doesn’t know what. “I’m sorry my Dad didn’t fix the gas line?”

“But if I don’t say anything, then … … I mean, what if nobody does? Everybody deserves to have nice things said about them at their own funeral.”

Elena reassures the grieving girl that she can say something – or not. Everyone in town loved her father. She places a comforting hand on April’s wrist and suddenly becomes aware of her pulse. Elena’s vision goes a little hazy. All she can focus on is the rush of blood through April’s veins. Elena hurries away and barely makes it to the bathroom. She falls on her knees in front of the toilet puking blood as she goes. She pulls herself up to the sink and projectile vomits onto the mirror. It looks like shark week by the time she’s done. I’m assuming when Caroline was a baby!vamp she puked glitter and kittens. When Boone arrives with a change of clothes he finds Connor lurking outside the ladies. “Stalking small town funerals?” Connor will forgive Boone for not shaking. “Germaphobe.” They make small talk while Elena finishes cleaning up the mess. Boone hopes Connor will enjoy his stay in their fair city.

Boone and Elena go outside and I’m not sure how no one notices her sucking down sustenance from a blood bag clearly labeled Mystic Falls Hospital. Or that she just as quickly brings it back up again. Elena panics that she’s dying, but she refuses to take blood from the vein. She can’t risk killing someone. Boone gently wipes the blood from her chin, promising that she’s going to be fine. She goes back inside just as Stefan walks up – and sees the blood bag. What? This blood?

They eyebrow at each other about what’s best for Elena. Boone logics that “she’s going to go off the rails eventually. The faster we can make it happen, the sooner we can get her back on track.” Stefan won’t risk her shutting off her humanity. “I can’t let her be anything like me.”

She’s strong. She’s starving. “She hasn’t been able to keep blood down for days. Your 4-legged protein shake was a bust. Juice box is a no-go. She can’t even keep my blood down.”

“Oops. Did I say that out loud?”

Elena stumbles into the sanctuary and takes a seat next to Matt. She is sweaty and shaky and barely holding it together. Tyler and Caroline are near the back of the church. He’s not going to let a hunter stop him from where he’s supposed to be. Also, if said hunter shows his face, Caroline is going to kick his aspirations. Mrs. Mayor opens the service by inviting April to speak. April can’t talk right now. She’s unconscious and slowly bleeding to death in the balcony. Connor Jordan – likes fingerless gloves. Hates orphans. Is there anyone else who would like to share a memory of Pastor Young?

*crickets chirp*

Elena stands and slowly makes her way to the lectern. She starts off well enough but she’s distracted by the sound of something dripping. Then she catches the scent of blood. Boone whispers in a voice that only the vampires can hear. IT’S A TRAP! Connor peers through his rifle scope, scanning the crowd for anything out of the ordinary. He focuses on Elena. She’s focused on the blood dripping from the balcony through the ceiling. Her breathing gets ragged as she fights back the feed. Stefan collects her just as her eyes start to go veiny. The congregation stands for the hymn while Elena tries to fight through the blood induced freak out. Stefan’s touchy feelie self help yoga breathing exercises aren’t cutting it. Boone gives him 10 seconds before he goes “old fashioned on the new guy” and exposes them all. QB1 comes through in the clutch. He puts his arm around Elena and lets her feed. From Connor’s perspective nothing looks amiss. From pew level, Matt looks ready to pass out. Thirst slaked, Elena realizes she can still smell the blood and that it must be coming from April. Tyler helpfuls with a diversion. He steps up to the front, right into Connor’s cross-hair. Pastor Young was the one who made him understand how important it is to be part of team. A community. Connor punctuates Tyler’s thoughts with a high caliber round square in the chest. The force of the shot spins him around in a complete 360 before he hits the ground. Connor calls it a day and the assembled scatter.

Boone catches the hunter just as he jumps in his truck. He rips the door off the hinges and hauls Connor out. By the time Connor hits the pavement he’s already got his pistol in hand and firing. Boone smacks the gun away and grabs him again, but Connor uses the vampire’s momentum against him, flipping Boone over and onto his back. Dude’s got some moves. He pulls out a stake but flees when he realizes he’s about to be outnumbered. Stefan runs up and offers a hand to Boone. A hand across his jaw. That’s for having blood sex with his girlfriend! Caroline tends to Tyler while Mrs. Mayor calls 911. “The whole town just watched him get shot. I’m calling an ambulance.” Elena rushes to help April, but there’s just so much blood. The blood, the blood MY GOD THE BLOOD! She fights the feed for a hot minute, but it’s too much for her. The fangs come out, but Caroline stops her just in time. Because Caroline is ALL OF THE SPIRIT ANIMALS. She has to physically hold Elena back before she can get through to her. “She’s not dead, but if you feed on her, you will kill her! Look at her! Look at her Elena, it’s April. She’s not a warm body for you to feed on, she’s your friend.”

“She’s an orphan. Just like you. And she’s scared. Just like you were.”

Caroline pulls the gag away from April’s mouth and offers her wrist. She turns back to Elena. April needs her now. Elena can do it. “You just need to believe what you’re telling her.” April’s going to get through this, just like Elena did. Elena’s going to help her. Also,

“It was a beautiful service. People said really nice things.”

Matt and Jeremy stop off at the Grill to pick up dinner because they are abandoned orphans who don’t know how to cook for themselves and maybe one day they’ll all board a train bearing them west to a new family and a better life but until then, sweet mother of Dean, WON’T SOMONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!? As they banter about potential cover up stories, Connor asks Matt how he got the gaping wound on his neck. “Girlfriend went a little overboard.” Jeremy follows him out and compliments Connor on his tattoo.

The tattoo that apparently only Jeremy can see. Huh.

Connor repairs to his mobile command center that I like to imagine was once owned by Hunter Jesus Kubrick. Note: don’t play with his Jesus. He reads the letter he snagged from the flaming farmhouse earlier in the episode. The one the pastor tucked safely away in the oven, because sure. In it, Pastor Young apologizes to April, but explains his was a necessary sacrifice. The first of many more to come.

“There’s always been an evil that spread through Mystic Falls, but now a greater one is coming. My death is but the first in the war ahead. I will see you again again when we all find our salvation.”

Stefan takes Elena back to the manse so he can forehead about her having blood sex with his brother while they enjoy a glass of craving controlling sweet, sweet healing booze. He’s upset that she lied about how difficult her transition is. And that she didn’t think he would understand. Elena breaks down and then mood swings careens into anger. She’s sick of crying. “I feel like I’ve been crying since the day that my parents died. It’s like a never ending funeral.” Emotions. Heightened. Aaaand … you know what. Don’t drink. Have someone drive you to the ER instead. It’s all fun and games until someone gets alcohol poisoning. Anyhoo, “we keep burying people, Stefan. You want to know what’s heightened (seriously, call 911. Now.)? This grief. I can’t stop feeling everyone’s grief. All of the hurt. I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.” Elena cries herself out and Stefan decides there’s something they need to do.

Bonnie and Boone are the last to arrive at school. Caroline, Matt, and Jeremy are already there waiting with Stefan and Elena. Stefan hands out the paper lanterns. They’re going to finish having their memorial. “We need to start healing. We’ve all lost so much, especially recently. I think we’re numb to it. We push it away. We make a joke out of it. Ignore how we feel … never just let ourselves grieve.”

Stefan goes first. He dedicates his lantern to Uncle Zac, Lexie, and Alaric. He hands the lighter to Matt.

“This is for Vickie.”

So basically, a roll call of all the people Boone has killed in the last three seasons. Good times!

For HRG and Mr. Mayor. For Grayson and Miranda Gilbert, Vickie, Anna, Jenna, and Alaric. For Grandma Whitley. Boone is having none of it. He stalks off, leaving Elena with the final dedication.

“This is for my mom, my dad [but not for Isobel and Uncle Daddy Sark. They can suck it.], Jenna … everyone that you’ve all lost. Everyone that this town has lost. And for me, I guess.”

They release the lanterns and watch them float off over the trees [and eventually land and cause several thousand dollars in property damage].

Boone seeks solace from the one person he can open up to. Floating lanterns in the sky. Can Alaric believe that? “Japanese lanterns are a symbol of letting go of the past. Here’s a news flash. We’re not Japanese.”

“You know what they are? Children. Like lighting a candle is going to make everything okay. Or even saying a prayer. Or pretending that Elena’s not going to end up just like the rest of us murderous vampires. Stupid. Delusional. Exasperating. Little children. I know what you’re going to say. ‘Makes them feel better, Boone.’ So what! For how long? A minute? A day? What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer, is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left … is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be.”

“And a rock. With a birth date carved into it that I’m pretty sure is wrong.”

Alaric (ALARIC! SQUEE!) has been listening sadly to Boone’s monologue, but that bit gets a chuckle out of him. Aww.

“So … thanks, friend. Thanks for leaving me here to baby sit. I should be long gone by now. I didn’t get the girl, remember? I’m just stuck here fighting with my brother and taking care of the kids. You owe me big.” Boone takes a long pull from the bottle and leaves it behind on a grave stone when he goes.