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Today, I am revisiting the first blog I wrote for the collective in 2010. I can’t remember why I wrote about colorism, but it feels as fitting and relevant today as it did two years ago when I first found the words. I wrote about how “You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” is a backwards pseudo-compliment that leaves dark-skinned girls caught up in a conundrum and half-smile, wondering if the two things she is being called (the two things she is) are oxymoronic, canceling each other out—does being pretty make up for being dark-skinned, does being dark-skinned cancel out being pretty? What the hell?

As I attempted to put a new take on it, my recent reflections remind me of how infrequent I hear a personal compliment or affirmation at all. Sometimes, not hearing who we are, particularly from the people around us, makes us question it. Pouring from my own needs I tend to shower people with compliments. I call my students beauties, just in case no one has (ever) told them they are beautiful. I want them to know that they are beautiful people—not out of manipulation, but sincerity; and not because of what they look like, but because of who they have the capacity to be. When I notice something beautiful about a person I tell them, specifically and intentionally, that they have a sweet or calming spirit, a beautiful smile, remarkable eyes. Beauty, for me, is more than skin deep…it’s not about what people see, it’s about what they can’t see. This is how I survived my formative years, when people called me what they saw/thought (“ugly”) based on standards I could never meet (“light, bright, damn near white”), and I still had to figure out how to love myself.

When I was younger I thirsted for the words, even if they were empty. Perhaps that is why I found myself in empty situations with hurt feelings, a battered heart, and a beauty so scarred I couldn’t see it for years! When someone finally told me I was beautiful they were able to use it against me like a weapon because down deep I never thought I would hear it again. Once I picked up the pieces and got perspective on the ways that colorism mimics so many other built-in discriminations and privileges (i.e., heterosexism, ageism, sexism, racism, ableism, etc.) I vowed to never be that thirsty for a compliment again… and to actively remind myself, and others, (especially beautifulbrownandblackgirls/women) that beauty ain’t never been stingy and there is enough to go around! This post reminds me that I need to call my damn self pretty…more. I need to rely less on other people’s opinions, release myself from being bound by other people’s stubbornness (to give a compliment), or opinions, or lack of home training, or insecurity, or down right meanness and love myself… fiercely and unapologetically. I will look long and deep til I see my own damn pretty, and say it out loud (because sometimes I need to hear it), and if needbe take a picture and keep it on my nightstand.

So this morning, after re-reading the post, I stood in the front of the mirror and stared at a early morning, wild-haired, glassy eyed, bloated bodied me… before I washed my face, brushed my teeth, got in the shower or could even see myself good I decided to love on myself for a moment. I noticed the moles on my chin, the line that forms on my nose and forehead when I squint, how my teeth and lips hide my gums when I smile, and how dark and brown my eyes are. I saw my mama’s nose, my daddy’s mouth, and my grandmother’s sass hidden behind too few hours of sleep and puffy eyes. I saw the imperfections, birth marks, stretch marks, and chocolate dipped exterior and thought to myself, I am pretty…period!

I have heard this statement many times in my life from well-meaning black women, seemingly surprised peers, family members, and perfect strangers who usually make the statement in response or reply to not having seen me in a while or in genuine wonder and fascination. The words come as somewhat of a shock in the moment, somewhat of a criticism, somewhat of an offense. I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted… I mean we never say “you’re pretty for a white/light-skinned/skinny/athletic/young/able-bodied/heterosexual girl….” It is always the opposite that deserves comment. In other words, “you’re pretty to not be normal/what I have come to expect.” (Yeah, folk can pretty much keep those pseudo-compliments to themselves).

The words, “you’re pretty for…” is no different than saying “you’re pretty, but…” The old-school women in my church would often talk ish while smiling, sandwiching a compliment between critique like meat and bread. “You putting on some weight? You look good, but what you doing with your hair?” Uh…yeah? Or, “She got strong features. Favor her mama. Look just like her daddy.” Uh-huh.

The words would come at me softly, sometimes hard, but mostly behind smiling eyes and perfectly thick lips, insinuating that if it wasn’t for _____ I would be acceptable. The other implication was that one is either pretty or dark-skinned (not both)…and the tendency to be both simultaneously, is possible, but not likely. So, at best, I am an anomaly.

I believed the either/or myth long enough to be

surprised at lyrics that praised “boricua morenas”

and confused at Lauryn Hill’s sweet lyrics of

the sweetest thing she had ever known

being wrapped in “a precious dark skin tone”

and India Arie’s fascination with “brown skin.”

My skin

left me feeling like if it weren’t for the fact that I was dark-skinned (or simply just a calm shade of brown), perhaps I could be beautiful/loveable/wanted. The internal conflict came at a problematic time because I already often feel like the merge of two impossibilities (undeniably black and possibly beautiful). Those insecurities sometimes continue with me being a black woman academic… something right (smart and successful) coupled with something wrong (black). What does that make me?

The backwards compliments (“You are pretty…to be dark-skinned”) have often fed my colorism, color complex issues and low self esteem as a child and my curiosities as an adult about my attraction to men who pass the paper bag test…

My homegirl and I talked about how these color-issues translate to our lives, how we see ourselves (as beautiful or not) and how we are seen (desired or not). In movies, we (dark skinned black girls) are (usually) not the love interest. My friend sighed in surrender as she shared with me that “dark skinned women, unlike dark-skinned men, were never in style.” This, of course, doesn’t mean that people don’t notice that we are “pretty” (I mean chocolate is sweet)…but their temporary short term longings transition to long term sensibilities that tend to send them on quests to find the most exotic, racially ambiguous person to take home to mama or make babies with. Regardless of my qualities, I often(times) hear words merge with others telling me, I am pretty for a dark-skinned girl, but…

And those words remind me of how many nights I fell asleep on tear-soaked pillows praying to wake up a different me, a light-skinned, long-haired me, thinking and believing that that would somehow make me more…loveable. It was easy to believe that when everyone from my elders to my peers were constantly commenting on my lighter than ebony but darker than chestnut colored exterior and demeaning me (whether they meant to or not and whether they knew it or not) because I was not “white” enough…or “light” enough.

Women of color, black women especially, often struggle with seeing ourselves as beautiful when the epitome of beauty is something like white…

I am far from a Barbie doll—but loving the skin I’m in. Learning to love yourself is a lifelong process and endeavor and I am committed to it and fully aware that in a culture that privileges red bones over big bones I am not sure how beautiful I seem…but I am embracing the mocha in my skin and the mahogany behind my eyes. Even though I have often been told that I am beautiful in spite of, not because of, my “dark-skin” I am dreaming dark and deep.

I’ve never heard those words spoken to me although I have heard others stories. Real talk. In spite of my awareness of the discriminatory color caste and its roots, I know that I also still struggle to see all skin tones as beautiful. For myself, when the negative thoughts about my looks due to my color were really bitter, I would wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes and just tell myself how beautiful I was, my skin was. Other times, I have literally stopped to admire my skin – the brown with underlying hints of red and gold and been struck by its beauty. Recently, (okay, currently) I have been enjoying various vampire media and I’ve thought, “doggone it, why can’t this skin color be presented as lush, supple, lust worthy with the perfect tone of light to show it off!” I don’t answer that questions, because I already know why.
They may not mean it this way, but listening to the current crop of relationship gurus (Steve Harvey and the rest of them), I wonder who they are really talking to when they talk about how women need to adjust their expectations about what they can get and who really wants them.

How about, “You’re pretty.”
How about, “Beauty is on the inside.”
How about, “Embrace your wholeness.”
How about we stop tanning and bleaching and learn to cultivate what really matters. That outside stuff fades, wrinkles, and sags, and eventually dies, and it’s still beautiful if the inside has been nurtured.
It entertains and horrifies me that we are still at this point in the evolution of human sense.
Thanks for this poignant and powerful, thought provoking post.

Enjoyed the repost!! I happen to be the mother of an teenage ebony pearl and I want her read this .. I have always reassured her that her hue is just as beautiful as the pin ups that grace her favorite magazines. Kids growing up can be really cruel we all know that and without positive reinforcement our mocha babies can harbor blighted views on beauty.

In the late 70s I was climbing a stairway and coming down was a stunningly beautiful AA young woman. I said flippantly “If there is no one in your life who reminds you each day how gorgeous you are, I’d like to apply for the job.” She started to smile and then broke into sobs and ran away. I was flabbergasted and pained. I still worry about happened that day.

I think these types of people have been trained to harbor resentment and even hatred twoards women of color, especially dark skinned beauties. Whenever I pay her a compliment I noticed people in my enviornment become extremely hostile; the atmosphere is in someway tense. It’s very serious, becuase if that type of mentality really exist ( and trust me it does) these women are in danger. Our society puts her beauty on a backburner with stereotypes and she is not often recognized in a positive light. We like to focus on light skin and straight hair. She can be shocking to many and most would prefer her to come and go unacknowledged. I watched an interview with Mrs Union, Kelly Ripa and Ryan Sycrest: the obviousness of their uncomfortability with her beauty… I am an advent body language reader. I could see the disdane. You can call me parinoid but I live in America. Tell me why Tyra Banks hasn’t had a second time on the cover of Vogue with all of her success? It made me uncomfortable, because I knew instantly that those attitudes defined her career. In a world of Halle Berrys and Blonde hair, I say go’ on head dark brown girl!

Kiara Kabukuru is a well-known model who has been on the covers of American Vogue, Italian Vogue, and British Vogue. While it is true that dark-skinned women tend to be ignored in this country, never forget that this is a big world where a lot of people don’t feel the same way:

Yes that is true. Bur in a world where Anglo Saxon European beauty is put on a pedestal and people are asked to alter themselves to contend to those images alone or feel the need to do so to achieve success (some undergoing drastic alterations to their natural appearance), we have the right to question the motives of these industries promoting this one ideal. Why do these industries promote only eurocentric beauty with light skinned women with blonde hair as the archetype, leaving us to see that as the only ideal, when the majority of the worlds population is not white (one) and ‘rather’ a shade of dark brown (two)? I’d also like to point out that the darker skinned people who make up the rest of the world also make up the majority of consumers. Conglomerates like LVMH and Michael Kors are embeded in the East and have strong footing all over Africa. Need I remind that the worlds elite are not concentrated in Europe and America; there are more royal families in Africa than in Europe and India combined. So ask yourself again why blonde hair and blue eyes is somehow the ideal. These darker skinned consumers, many loyal investors of these brands, deserve to be represented. Ps. They look something like you.

Also the deep ‘negative’ psychological effects this promoted ideal has on young girls and women of color simply can not go ignored. As we live in a society that tells us that being beautiful is important if not necessary, it is important that we have a versatile enough image that people don’t feel left out and take to altering themselves to become something they are not. Least we want to see more Lil Kim’s, Nicki Minaj’s, and Michael Jacksons… if you catch my drift. Which may be the motive behind the very biased image of beauty the world is fed; straighten your hair with this product, dye it blonde with this brand, and use this cream with the years most popular skin lightening agent. You’re on your way to becoming Beyonce or maybe you can make it to Hedi Klum. Which one do you think Lil Kim went for? I’ve got my eye on Beyonce as the culprit. Most people can’t identify with Anglo Saxon beauty and those that can do not make up the majority of consumers alas it is all that our eyes ever see. It’s simply ignorant that these companies do not make the appropriate changes to their brand image, especially in a time when women of color (Black women especially) are significantly coming up in society increasing their wealth and income. They shop these labels and should see themselves appreciated in advertising. They’ve been investing for decades now and I personally want to see brand recognition of their contributions consistently and not once or twice a year. Can you believe that the same brands that are promoted in Vogue are in Ebony and Arise? They are indeed, and the subscribers buy. So regardless of personal opinions the definition of beauty must be expanded and Black women with dark skin and women of all ethnicities must be properly acknowledged as they are significant consumers.

This is not an American issue but hostilities and discrimination that dark skinned women face in this country alone are a reflection of why they are so underrepresented and also horribly miss represented and still being portrayed in or doing Blackface in Martin Laurence and Tyler Perry films and on shows like Glee. It seems it has become apart of the American identity to dehumanize and belittle them making it hard to envision them being put where their purchasing power would justify; right next to the blonde with bronzed skin to achieve her natural glowing even complexion. I’d kill to have skin like any of the ladies you have posted above. Again this is a global issue; most people associate having darker skin wherever you are in the world with being low class… Yet Oprah Winfrey a brown skin woman is the richest woman in the world, and the very woman married to the CEO of LVMH, the worlds number one luxury conglomerate, is dark brown skinned. Salma Hayek is not white nor is she pale and does not have blonde hair. So we can sense what the elite are genuinely attracted to… if you catch my drift. That’s maybe why the only images you see of Black women in fashion are over-sexualized, voyeuristic, and border line fetishistic if not aggressive. You know they call high fashion magazines pornography for the elite, but that’s another topic.

In fashion, dark skinned ‘or ethnic women’ in general struggle getting call backs, are ridiculed and humiliated at castings, are typecast in editorials based around their ethnicity or used as others, sparse on catwalks and in campaigns, and generally have much less work than the unrealistic archetype; usually hailing from the USSR making it big being a faux American girl next door. With women in entertainment like Sophia Verga, Beyonce Knowles, Eva Longoria, and Brandy also trying to accomplish this image being airbrushed lighter in advertising and fashion magazines, and skin lightening creams still making up forty percent of sales for the ‘global’ cosmetics industry, I think it’s safe to say the situation is bigger than, “this is a big world where a lot of people don’t feel the same way.” If you can catch my drift…

Kiara has always been a personal favorite. But tell me why has the Western worlds foremost supermodel who has achieved extreme success and altered herself to not have the hairs on her head come out their god given natural way to get it, Tyra Banks, not been put on the cover of Vogue magazine more than once? Whereas the Brazilian version of the archetype, Gisele, (also a faux blonde) hailing from a country with a significant brown and Black population, has seen numerous covers for the same publication. It makes you wonder if the beauty, fashion, and entertainment industries have something against Black women or anyone who is not white with blonde hair and blue eyes who they promote relentlessly. Black women for the most part have brown skin and this archetype is the direct opposite of her beauty. Thus it is important that we recognize the consistency of abuse she receives which may somehow be related to the products these industries attempt to sell her and the rest of the world who are definitely not white. This ideal which is totally inconsistent with consumers who can’t identify with this image of beauty even caucasians who for the majority are not blonde haired with blue eyes. Did you know their are people in America who dye their hair blonde than are born with the gene. Look it up. Again I’m a big fan of Kiara but the situation is obviously much bigger than, “this is a big world were a lot of people don’t feel the same way.” Obvious if you’re aware of any if the things I’ve stated above which everyone should be you’d know that.

I’ma keep it real and say the reason people tell you “you’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” is because they have been brainwashed by these three industries to place you in a category of other and have been trained to believe you are not supposed to be attractive. The very reason your beauty is underrepresented is because it is a threat to the beauty industry where skin lightening creams make up the majority of it sales. Hair straighteners and relaxers come from subsidies of these bigger more popular companies. So it’s safe to say that female entertainers of all sorts are picked based on weather or not they can dye their hair blonde or how light their skin is to get a cover of Vogue who maintains this as the ideal of beauty because their advertisers need it promoted to sell their products. So in sorry to break it to you but it’s much bigger than “this is a big world where a lot of people don’t feel the same way.” These things are common knowledge in the fashion industry, and casting directors and designers are not shy about it; young women are often humiliated for walking into agencies or possible bookings thinking they can replace the ideal of beauty. You dark skinned ebony women and girls are a threat to these people, know that, and don’t support your own debasement which is systemic and intentional.

Note* that most beauty products for women have skin lightening agents that are harmful to people with darker complexions. These are products that are not marketed as skin lighteners at all but age creams and exfoliators. That just seems disrespectful if not a slap in the face to the broad range of individuals who buy them especially Black women with dark brown skin.

Yes that is true. But in a world where Anglo Saxon European beauty is put on a pedestal and people are asked to alter themselves to contend to those images alone or feel the need to do so to achieve success (some undergoing drastic alterations to their natural appearance), we have the right to question the motives of these industries promoting this one ideal. Why do these industries promote only eurocentric beauty with light skinned women with blonde hair as the archetype, leaving us to see that as the only ideal, when the majority of the worlds population is not white (one) and ‘rather’ a shade of dark brown (two)? I’d also like to point out that the darker skinned people who make up the rest of the world also make up the majority of consumers. Conglomerates like LVMH and Michael Kors are embeded in the East and have strong footing all over Africa. Need I remind that the worlds elite are not concentrated in Europe and America; there are more royal families in Africa than in Europe and India combined. So ask yourself again why blonde hair and blue eyes is somehow the ideal. These darker skinned consumers, many loyal investors of these brands, deserve to be represented. Ps. They look something like you.

Also the deep ‘negative’ psychological effects this promoted ideal has on young girls and women of color simply can not go ignored. As we live in a society that tells us that being beautiful is important if not necessary, it is important that we have a versatile enough image that people don’t feel left out and take to altering themselves to become something they are not. Least we want to see more Lil Kim’s, Nicki Minaj’s, and Michael Jacksons… if you catch my drift. Which may be the motive behind the very biased image of beauty the world is fed; straighten your hair with this product, dye it blonde with this brand, and use this cream with the years most popular skin lightening agent. You’re on your way to becoming Beyonce or maybe you can make it to Hedi Klum. Which one do you think Lil Kim went for? I’ve got my eye on Beyonce as the culprit. Most people can’t identify with Anglo Saxon beauty and those that can do not make up the majority of consumers alas it is all that our eyes ever see. It’s simply ignorant that these companies do not make the appropriate changes to their brand image, especially in a time when women of color (Black women especially) are significantly coming up in society increasing their wealth and income. They shop these labels and should see themselves appreciated in advertising. They’ve been investing for decades now and I personally want to see brand recognition of their contributions consistently and not once or twice a year. Can you believe that the same brands that are promoted in Vogue are in Ebony and Arise? They are indeed, and the subscribers buy. So regardless of personal opinions the definition of beauty must be expanded and Black women with dark skin and women of all ethnicities must be properly acknowledged as they are significant consumers.

This is not an American issue but hostilities and discrimination that dark skinned women face in this country alone are a reflection of why they are so underrepresented and also horribly miss represented and still being portrayed in or doing Blackface in Martin Laurence and Tyler Perry films and on shows like Glee. It seems it has become apart of the American identity to dehumanize and belittle them making it hard to envision them being put where their purchasing power would justify; right next to the blonde with bronzed skin to achieve her natural glowing even complexion. I’d kill to have skin like any of the ladies you have posted above. Again this is a global issue; most people associate having darker skin wherever you are in the world with being low class… Yet Oprah Winfrey a brown skin woman is the richest woman in the world, and the very woman married to the CEO of LVMH, the worlds number one luxury conglomerate, is dark brown skinned. Salma Hayek is not white nor is she pale and does not have blonde hair. So we can sense what the elite are genuinely attracted to… if you catch my drift. That’s maybe why the only images you see of Black women in fashion are over-sexualized, voyeuristic, and border line fetishistic if not aggressive. You know they call high fashion magazines pornography for the elite, but that’s another topic.

In fashion, dark skinned ‘or ethnic women’ in general struggle getting call backs, are ridiculed and humiliated at castings, are typecast in editorials based around their ethnicity or used as others, sparse on catwalks and in campaigns, and generally have much less work than the unrealistic archetype; usually hailing from the USSR making it big being a faux American girl next door. With women in entertainment like Sophia Verga, Beyonce Knowles, Eva Longoria, and Brandy also trying to accomplish this image being airbrushed lighter in advertising and fashion magazines, and skin lightening creams still making up forty percent of sales for the ‘global’ cosmetics industry, I think it’s safe to say the situation is bigger than, “this is a big world where a lot of people don’t feel the same way.” If you can catch my drift…

Kiara has always been a personal favorite. But tell me why has the Western worlds foremost supermodel who has achieved extreme success and altered herself to not have the hairs on her head come out their god given natural way to get it, Tyra Banks, not been put on the cover of Vogue magazine more than once? Whereas the Brazilian version of the archetype, Gisele, (also a faux blonde) hailing from a country with a significant brown and Black population, has seen numerous covers for the same publication. It makes you wonder if the beauty, fashion, and entertainment industries have something against Black women or anyone who is not white with blonde hair and blue eyes who they promote relentlessly. Black women for the most part have brown skin and this archetype is the direct opposite of her beauty. Thus it is important that we recognize the consistency of abuse she receives which may somehow be related to the products these industries attempt to sell her and the rest of the world who are definitely not white. This ideal which is totally inconsistent with consumers who can’t identify with this image of beauty even caucasians who for the majority are not blonde haired with blue eyes. Did you know their are people in America who dye their hair blonde than are born with the gene. Look it up. Again I’m a big fan of Kiara but the situation is obviously much bigger than, “this is a big world were a lot of people don’t feel the same way.” Obvious if you’re aware of any if the things I’ve stated above which everyone should be you’d know that.

I’ma keep it real and say the reason people tell you “you’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” is because they have been brainwashed by these three industries to place you in a category of other and have been trained to believe you are not supposed to be attractive. The very reason your beauty is underrepresented is because it is a threat to the beauty industry where skin lightening creams make up the majority of it sales. Hair straighteners and relaxers come from subsidies of these bigger more popular companies. So it’s safe to say that female entertainers of all sorts are picked based on weather or not they can dye their hair blonde or how light their skin is to get a cover of Vogue who maintains this as the ideal of beauty because their advertisers need it promoted to sell their products. So in sorry to break it to you but it’s much bigger than “this is a big world where a lot of people don’t feel the same way.” These things are common knowledge in the fashion industry, and casting directors and designers are not shy about it; young women are often humiliated for walking into agencies or possible bookings thinking they can replace the ideal of beauty. You dark skinned ebony women and girls are a threat to these people, know that, and don’t support your own debasement which is systemic and intentional.

Note* that most beauty products for women have skin lightening agents that are harmful to people with darker complexions. These are products that are not marketed as skin lighteners at all but age creams and exfoliators. That just seems disrespectful if not a slap in the face to the broad range of individuals who buy them especially Black women with dark brown skin.

salma hayek is ver fair! she is of spaniard blood!!! you really are dumb! salma is a latina and she has lebanese roots! which is white!
Olive skin is very fair in color!white in the usa is defined by the us census bureau﻿ as people of middle eastern/northafrican​/european blood! many countries in europe originated in the middle east,,,dumb folks dont know that
!!Even racist sites like sormfront know that whites come in MANY shades!!! the majoirty of whites have brunette hair! whites have pink/olive/yellow/go​lden/red undertones and be darker or lighter!! fair skinned can be pink and olive! olive is very pale! europeans dont own light skin either and you dont have to claim people to increase your numbers! be proud of your black race! be proud of nina simone,whoopi,oprah,michelle obama,lauren hill,jill scott,macy,sdyney poitier, and others! you dont need to sit here and claim non blacks as “not pale” so you can up your numbers!
WHat you said is wrong! and tyra banks doesnt represent all african american women. go read a book called “The politics of color among african americcans” and you will see amongst Europeans,Asians,etc﻿ the preference for fair skin! ancient egyptians used lighter skintone(yellow) for females and dark colors for males! there is a sex linked preference for fair skin! not only is light skin considered ore beautiful,but more feminine! this is in cvilizations all over! among Europeans, women were always fair.
the preference for fair skin is ANCIENT! I am fluent in many languages and I read texts!
a person can prefer or desire pale/light skin! thats on them! live and let live! you be the best you can be!
I would love to thank the owner of this great blog for letting me get my info across!
God bless

I have always loved dark skinned women. They are some of the prettiest women I’ve ever seen. But of course,living in a system of white supremacy–they will always downplay the beauty of my darker sistas.