“Hello world.”

Thanks in advance for prying yourself away from TMZ’s blurry pics of Amanda Bynes donning a purple wig to spend a moment on my Ebola-free website.

I promise to amuse, irritate, confuse and enlighten you with each blog, and more importantly, throw sometimes-obscure pop song lyrics in your direction on a weekly basis.

I’m a Denver native who just completed the first of my three humorous memoirs, The Easter Duckling That Couldn’t Swim.

What did I learn during this macabre ordeal? Authors who churn out bestsellers every nine months or so deserve special recognition from every organism in the Milky Way Galaxy (specifically the pink fairy armadillos in central Argentina). I’ve discovered it must be easier to start an Internet company in North Korea than do this for a living.

Ring.

“Hello.”

“No, I have no idea how to adopt cute mammals from South America.”

Click.

Where was I?

Right, I was trying to convey the degree of difficulty this project was for me.

Writers (myself included) can be a whiny bunch, but the beauty about our profession is that we all practice it for a variety of reasons.

I told my story because I had to express myself – I didn’t necessarily choose the written word – it held my brain and soul hostage until I completed this book.

Ring.

Hmm, an unlisted number.

“Hello.”

“Hi, I’m from the law firm representing Mr. Costello, and I urge you to cease and desist using our client’s copyrighted lyrics!”

Are you kidding me?

“You’re cutting out – you must be stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel.”

Click.

I’d like to cease and desist your existence.

Anyways, I’m somewhat intimidated by the industry’s mandated social media spectrum (all I want to do is write – not post pictures of things I find amusing or ironic), and the all-important blog thingy – please bear with me as I adapt.

What the hell is a hootsuite? And when did Hooters build motels next to their restaurants?

I’m open to suggestions (I refuse to comment on Kim Kardashian’s booty), constructive criticisms, and restrained puking from my astute and knowing-all readers.

I hope you find the website entertaining and informative. I’m anxious to opine about topics as varied as David Foster Wallace’s brilliance, watermelons (only the seedless kind), the agonizing query process, and Donna Tartt’s yummy haircut.

Ring.

*Steven turns phone off, loosens his tie, and pours himself a glass of red wine*