Friday, February 22, 2013

Romantical Fridays: Did I Ever Tell You...?

This actually happened before he told me he loved me, but it
marked a shift in our relationship that I had forgotten about until this
moment. And since it was so funny important, I couldn't very well leave this story out, could I?

Blue Eyes doesn’t know this (or I guess he does now) but I was feeling rather meh about our
physical relationship at first. Here was this beautiful, exciting, intriguing
man who was treating me like a goddess, yet things in the bedroom were rather…lackluster.

I kept wondering where thatthrowdown was, that intense, throw-me-up-against the wall
kiss that tells you he doesn’t just want you, he needs you. Where was the passion?

I began to have this niggling feeling that maybe he wasn’t
so attracted to me.

I present to you the clues that something wasn’t as it
should be:

Exhibit A: At some point during our first long, drunken
conversation, he told me he had kissed a guy. He never told me the context and
I didn’t really think much of it at the time. Mostly I was just impressed at how open and liberal he was.

But then..

Exhibit B: His Facebook profile said he was interested in
men and women.

Hmm… Okay, so maybe he was bisexual. I was okay with that.

But combine that with the lack of raw desire I was feeling?
What if he was actually gay, but not ready to admit it to himself? What if I was
the kind of girl he imagined he should be attracted to, but he was really attracted to men?

What if his real reason for wanting to wait to have sex
was actually because he just didn’t want to have
sex with me? With a woman?

Maybe I’m a drama queen and I like to make things
complicated.

I don’t know.

I’ve been told on multiple occasions that my gaydar is
completely off. And Blue Eyes is not the first straight guy that I’ve asked if
he’s gay. He is the first guy I was dating at the time though.

I eventually got up the guts to ask him about it. The last
thing I wanted was to fall head over heels for someone who would inevitably
break my heart. (I guess that’s the last thing anyone wants.)

We went for a hike one afternoon and I stood in his arms as we
watched the sun set. And then I turned to him, looked into his bright blue eyes, and jumbled my way through, “So...um...hey I was just
wondering, um, so do you like guys? I mean, are you gay?”

I really don’t know what's a proper response to that question, but he took it all in stride. Once I explained my reasoning, he told
me the Facebook profile was a joke, the kiss was a drunken dare to get two girls to kiss each other, and no, he wasn’t
into guys. The reason I didn’t feel the passion was exactly what he had told
me. He wanted to wait for our first time. He just didn’t trust himself to wait so he
was very studiously holding back.

He realized then that he was holding back too much, and that
was when things shifted. It wasn’t long after that we stopped waiting.

4 comments:

Nice guys always take the hits. My husband is a sweetie and not homophobic at all, so I thought he was gay for the longest time. We should just enjoy our sweeties and be happy we aren't with homophobic assholes :-)

You should definitely make your story a book! Eventually when there's lots more to tell, of course. I can see why you had your doubts. But yes, nice guys are always somewhat suspect. It sounds bad to say that though. Please know that of our very best friends, many are gay. I wouldn't want to fall in romantical love with any of them though.

Iris - I've been loving the romance. This makes me laugh because people have asked my husband if he was gay. In fact, people thought he and his college roommate were both gay. They were a little off of normal, long hair, earrings, birkenstock-wearing, tofu-eating, free-thinking, open guys. The roommate's now-wife and I used to laugh about this and so she came up with a nickname for them, SNAG - Single, New Age, Guy. After 15 years, I still love my SNAG! :-)Renee