By Smaktakula

Former child star Lindsay Lohan revealed recently in an international statement that she was not currently in a relationship, declaring “I’m available.” Men and women between the ages of 16-65 who have yet to engage in casual, anonymous sex with a celebrity or semi-celebrity are encouraged to apply. Millions will enter, and potentially thousands will win.

There exists no accurate way to determine the duration of the opportunity window for just about anybody to bang the Flower of American Skankhood, but it will in all likelihood be extremely short-lived. Lohan will either stage a comeback, at which point she will return to sexual standards most likely precluding carnal relations with an unemployed Best Buy sales associate, or as is far more likely, she’ll be dead. Act now!

The Clock Is Ticking. For Quickest Results Bring Coke And Root Beer Schnapps. No, Not Coca-Cola.