Our captive audience

I'm a prisoner in the Florida Department of Corrections and I'm writing to tell you a funny story.

Like Tommy, I had an old, ragged rust bucket clunker: an Austin Healy Sprite. Like Tommy, I spent more time under the hood, and under the car, than in it.

One day, I got the brilliant idea to steal the car and collect the insurance, thereby relieving myself of the car and gaining some filthy lucre in the process. Living in Miami at the time, I thought I would "disappear" the car by driving it into one of the many canals in the area. Ouch! My back still hurts. Unbelievable how long an Austin Healy Sprite will float! Not to mention the force of the water, which stopped the car like an egg hitting the floor. Ooooo eee!

As if this wasn't enough of an ignominious end, I discovered my insurance did not cover theft! Perhaps I should be sending this to "Stupid Crook News."

Do I get a photo or anything from the Shameless Commerce Division of Car Talk? If so, please attach it to the bottom of an Ingersoll-Rand Model 256C Tunnel Excavator with auto-dirt removal and electric start, or a Husquavanna Combo Concrete-and-Steel Saw with 14" diamond-coated blade. Don't worry about the warranty.

I gotta hurry and close this letter, as the guy in the cell next to mine is the resident snitch and will tell, and it's "Lights Out."