A second-by-second analysis of Adam Levine’s absurd perfume ad

Good news: Adam Levine has come out with a fragrance! Its called “Adam Levine” and it retails for $65 wherever stuff is sold and shit. Better news: Adam Levine created a gritty, homemade-style advertisement to explain why his perfume is better than other celebrity perfumes, which all just smell like sell-out. Basically, it seems like Adam is extremely embarrassed about all this but wants to get his hands on that signature scent money anyway, so we get to watch him rationalize his decisions on camera while trying to toss in some subversion in the form of motorcycles and mild S&M.

All in all, it’s the opposite of Brad Pitt’s Chanel No.5 ad, but its equally ridiculous. Please allow me the indulgence of going the thing second-by-second.

0:03 – The epic du parfum opens with a bit of 16mm film burn, which is Adam’s way of telling us he could have gotten this art piece funded on Kickstarter if he’d wanted to.

0:05 – A few frames of Adam Levine introduce us to the man, the myth, the scent.

0:08 – A shot of the Hollywood Hills from what appears to be Silver Lake or Los Feliz, which is where the cool famous people live. (Adrien Grenier.)

0:07 – Adam: “All right, I typically hate celebrity fragrances. Now, it’s not that I hate celebrities and it’s not like I hate fragrances.” (Read: “It’s just, have you ever been in the vicinity of Cee Lo Green’s armpit after a long day on set?”)

0:12 – A shot of a motorcycle to distract us from the words.

0:15 – Adam: “When I see them, I don’t necessarily believe the people promoting them were particularly connected to what they were making. And I want to be involved every step of the way, whether it’s the design of the bottle, the way it smells on a woman. And it doesn’t feel like you’re overwhelming anybody with it.” (Read: “I’m particularly interested in that ‘way it smells on a woman’ part.”)

0:30 – Adam: “It’s very basic and very classic. The anti-celebrity fragrance.” (Read: Adam Levine’s fragrance smells like poverty, which means it smells like Cheetos and free health clinics.)

0:36 – Adam: “I want it to look sophisticated and elegant and like you’d actually have it on your counter. And not have it be offensive.”

0:42 – A shot of hot half-naked woman whipping other hot half-naked woman! A visual pun on the word “offensive”!

0:45 – Adam: “It goes along with a real big part of who I am, and so I don’t really feel insecure about it, where I definitely had my reservations and my apprehensions, and now I know that the thing that I’m making and putting out there is great. (Read: “It goes along with literally my name is on it, and I really feels insecure about it, and still definitely have my reservations and my apprehensions, but now I now I know the thing I’m making will be on shelves soon.”)

0:54 – Daft Punk is so hot these days.

0:58 – Adam: “You don’t want to be alarmed by a scent. You want it to be alluring or mysterious in some way. You don’t want it to feel like you ripped a page out of a magazine and rubbed it all one your body.” (Read: Adam is judging you for keeping that old “Cosmo” around for those days your shower feels like an enemy.)

1:07 – Adam: “You want to have something that’s uniquely your own, and that’s kind of how I feel about a lot of different things.” (Read: Not music, however.)

1:12 – Adam: “I like to feel like, whether you’re writing a song or wearing a shirt or walking down the street, whatever it is you’re doing, it kind of feels good to feel like you’re doing it in a different way.” (Read: “However, don’t forget that my fragrance retails for $65 wherever stuff is sold and shit.”)

1:13 – 1:20 – Shots of motorcycles and half-naked girls.

1:25 – Adam: “This philosophy definitely plays when you’re talking about something that I’ve always considered to be an over-extension for someone in my position.” [Read: The philosophy he speaks of is found in Kant’s “The Metaphysics of Morals.” (“We can judge the heart of a celebrity by his attitude toward merchandising himself to death for monetary gain.”)]
1:30 – Adam: “But because I love it an because I’m involved in the process, I think we really created two different scents that are bold and unique.” (Read: “Unique” is the word people always use when they have literally nothing else to say.)

1:40 – Adam: “And make people feel good about themselves. That’s a good thing to do.” (Read: “The homeless shelter said they were all good on volunteers!”)
1:45 – Shot of motorcycle headlight shutting out, because hiring a guy to make a “fin” title was too expensive.