Quick 'n' dirty sex advice, summer edition

Happy summer, hot stuffs! It’s that time again, time for beer gardens, tankinis and another round of quick ‘n’ dirty sex advice, because though the days may be long, our attention spans are short. Let’s hit it and quit it (but not before sharing it with all your friends please. I work very hard!).

I have a crush on a young lady that’s one of my Facebook friends and she knows it. So how do I tell her that I’m interested and I want to have sex with her? What do you mean how, a sonnet? Sky writing? You’re not building a hovercraft. Just ask her out already.

Why don’t we use condoms for oral sex? Because there are no reproductive consequences. Because health officials have a difficult enough time getting us to wear condoms for penetrative sex that oral is considered a lower priority. And because the perceived risk of STI infections is smaller. But, as our friend Michael Douglas taught us, there ARE risks associated with oral. A shortlist are: HIV, HPV, HSV (aka herpes), gonorrhea of the throat, Chlamydia, Hepatitis A, gastrointestinal infections, and parasites. (!!!)

Why do straight girls always say they’d go gay for Angelina Jolie? Because they have eyes. See also: Beyonce.

I’m 19 and have never dated or slept with anyone. Am I a leper? No, and stop consulting WebMD in regard to your love life. Sexual inexperience is only an issue if you let it be.

My best friend has romantic feelings for me. How do I squelch them immediately? Look him/her straight in the eye and say, “It’s never going to happen.” Then take some time apart.

I’m a lesbian, but I’ve never dated anyone, boy or girl. What do I say to people who ask me how I “know” I’m gay when I have no experience? Ask them how they “know” they’re straight, even though they’ve never boned someone of the same sex.

Is eight months too soon to move in? If you’re asking permission from a stranger about how to live your life, there are bigger issues at stake.

Why do we riot when we win sporting events? I’m happy for the Blackhawks, but could do without all the looting. Anonymity. A feeling of intense belonging. Little-to-no consequences. The ability to unleash years of unhappiness and repressed emotions. Plus, that trash can had it coming.

Why are there gay people in the world? Either because they didn’t love Jesus hard enough or to keep Home Depot afloat. See also: Beyonce.

It's winter (almost)! (Also, gross). That means it's time for another quick 'n' dirty-style advice column. Grab some mulled wine and come sit on my knee. If you missed the fall quickies, read 'em at your leisure. It is winter, after all, what else are you doing?

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