There was this dream I had last night. One of many dreams last night in fact. In some of my dreams I’m a hero, saving the less heroic. I’m sure I would be a real hero in real life if I ever called upon.

I’ve nothing left to lose so I’d have nothing to fear.

Yet this one dream last night was about “her,” or maybe it was really about “me.” Maybe me and her, oh hell, the truth is the dream was about MY HEART. MY HEART; the very interior of MY HEART.

I found myself actually inside of my own heart. What a sensation it was to know that I am inside of myself. Not in the typical way. This was different, much different

I know it’s me on the outside I can hear my own voice and now, now it’s me on the inside. Looking around while inside MY HEART I could see the layers upon layers of milky red walls, the miles and endless miles of blood vessels that wormed their way around me, pulsing and pushing the purest blood to every part of my body.

I was inside the very thing that keeps me/us alive. Was this really a dream? I can feel the vibrating red walls; I can hear the deafening beating and drumming of MY HEART. As I look in wonder around at this majestic new prison cell I am in, I wonder if I will ever be able to leave, if I will ever awaken and once again be outside of me. Will I want to?

I reach out to touch the delicious looking milky red walls of MY HEART and as I do it shakes and retreats away from me. I don’t understand why is MY HEART pulling away from me? I reach again and once again MY HEART withdraws from my touch. What have I done, why does MY HEART not want MY touch? Suddenly I feel the sensation of falling. I’m falling! Not just me, everything IN HERE is dropping, falling downward, and spiraling out of control. I can’t hold onto anything because MY HEART continues to elude me as I struggle to grab something. Faster and faster MY HEART sinks, deeper it and I go, but to where? Part of me wants to wake up and have this dream become nightmare over with. But NO I want to stop this falling; I want to help MY HEART.

My ears are now bombarded with the sound of the red milky walls cracking and splitting open. The sound is horrible; it’s like a wailing or crying. The sound won’t stop, and as I fall faster towards I don’t know where, the crying is all around. I notice that there is now no beating in MY HEART only the cracking and now a gurgling sound, as if MY HEART was drowning. I feel the rain as it showers down upon me, only it’s not rain, its, its TEARS. MY HEART is crying and gurgling on its/MY tears. Falling, gurgling, and spiraling. I try to scream but no sound comes out of my mouth. I reach up to touch my mouth my lips but there is nothing there. No lips, no opening. I try to look at my hands, but I cannot see.

I cannot feel me anymore.

I am but a whisper inside my head, inside MY HEART, a mere notion of something once now gone.

We are inside and still the storm has its way with us- Not afraid are we having weathered storms before – Yet this one seems to be of a more personal nature – It seems as if this one has a path, a direction, a mission – it is in itself a vein to which we must accept just as we accept the now evaporating air we struggle to breath – To not be terrified and alarmed right now would be a mistake – The fact that this storm is inside and not of the exterior norm, is frightening – The very color of our blood has become not blue or red but black – The designs of who we are or who we were have been molded and melted into something too vulgar to see or touch – This is the moment that all dread of and some dream about- When everything you knew or thought you knew to be true is now slowly and surely leaving with the storms windy current – Say goodbye to love, hope and life – say hello to disbelief, terror and pain – NOW run to escape – OR wait and overcome- your choice – I’ve made mine…

The two men never saw each other before; yet they each knew the other one existed and that someday they would meet.

THEN WHAT?

Just as expected Agent Dexter had gotten the phone call in the middle of the day, the caller said for him to retrieve an envelope from the usual spot, it would contain the information about the assignment aka The Mark.

Agent Dexter put on his favorite black baseball cap and went down to the post office store down the street from the hotel where he rented his room by the week. The postal clerk working the counter with the yellow golf shirt never looked up at him; he was talking on his cell phone, probably to his girlfriend or one of his golf buddies, Agent Dexter thought to himself as he walked past him over to the mailboxes.

The envelope was a little bigger than normal; he opened it up as he walked out of the store. As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street. He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed, “Good, no one saw anything,” he thought. He looked at the tape and put it, along with the papers back into the envelope. He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room.

The lobby of his hotel was empty as usual, that was one of the reasons why he liked this place, no one here cared about anyone else He could come and go without attracting any attention.

He walked past the elevator towards the door for the stairwell; he would never take the elevator, elevators were a trap if he ever saw one.

Two steps at a time that’s how he liked to do it, it kept him hard and quick and in shape, quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina. He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there, if it wasn’t then that meant his door had been opened while he was away. You always, always had to be careful in his line of work.

Good it was still there, he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room. He always kept things neat, easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose. You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment’s notice to do an assignment. He dumped out the contents of the envelope; spread out the papers, photos, the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed. Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag, he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed. He sat back and looked at the photos of his target; The Mark was young and pretty, very pretty.

Meanwhile…

Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello. The rude dude went to his mailbox, got an envelope and walked outside the post office. Then the “IDIOT” dropped something on the street right outside his store. He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark.

Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there. He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come. The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it.

Agent Jones took the “out for lunch” sign from under the counter and placed it on the door. He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office, closed and locked the door. He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope. The envelope had the usual photos of the mark, this one was young and pretty too. The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape. The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission. He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag, placed the information in it and left the store, as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read “closed for the day.”

Agent Jones walked to his parked car and got in, he turned the key, and gunned the engine a little, that sounds nice, it is important to have a good fast automobile in this line of work. He had handpicked this car partly because of the power and handling, but he also really liked that is was painted completely black.

He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage. He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible. He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else.

Meanwhile…

Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark, he remembered every line on her face, how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style, all this had become engrained in his memory. He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room. Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him, he was a smart thinker.

He picked up his duffel bag and opened his room door; before he closed it he placed the string in the door hinge like he does every time he leaves his room. He took the stairs to the lobby two at a time and sprinted out thru the lobby like a ghost, he wouldn’t be back till much later and it was best not to attract any attention as to what time he was leaving the hotel.

Agent Dexter had a small red convertible car parked at the end of the street, he got in turned the key and smiled as the engine purred to life, and he shifted into gear and pulled out into traffic. He was tuning in the car stereo when he suddenly had to swerve hard to the left to avoid the idiot in the black car coming out of some underground parking lot, IDIOT!

Agent Jones got out the envelope and looked at the directions to where the mark lived. The address was a suburban home in a quiet section of town, perfect, these were always the easiest assignments, and best yet was that these Marks never saw him coming.

Agent Dexter drove out of the city towards the suburbs, he had written the address on his hand when he had burned the directions along with the photos in his hotel room, very smart of him, and he was pleased with himself today.

Agent Jones read his directions which said to take a left off the highway and a right onto Main Street, go ½ mile and turn left on Peachtree lane then right on Cobble Place to number 37 Cobble Place. That would be where the mark lived, easy enough, right?

Agent Dexter was going a little too fast down Main Street and he almost sped past a police car, he started sweating a lot and he wiped his hand on his forehead to catch the sweat, luckily the cop in the car was reading a newspaper and he was able to speed by unnoticed.

He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place, he turned his hand over to look at the house number, OH NO, his hand, the sweat, he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident. I’ll pull over, no, no there’s no time, I don’t have time. He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror. Holy crap, there it was, the house number was still on his forehead, it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow.

Meanwhile…

Agent Jones was pulling down Cobble Place reading the house numbers, 29, 32, 33.

Agent Dexter was coming down Cobble Place at the exact same moment. He was looking at his head in the mirror for the house number, 35, no 39, aawwww, 37, 37 that’s it number 37.

He almost crashed right into the black car coming the other way, IDIOT he’s not even looking.

Agent Jones saw number 37 and drove past a few more houses so he could park discreetly and walk to the mark’s address without attracting attention.

Agent Dexter pulled right up in front of house number 37 and parked his car; he took a moment to wipe the black marker with the house number from his forehead. He got out of his car with the tape and a radio to play the tape in; he put on his wig and glasses on and stood for a moment to look around and make sure he wasn’t being watched.

Agent Jones was standing next to his car looking into the mirror and adjusting his hat with the wig in it and he was putting some makeup on his face as quick as he could.

The two men never saw each other.

The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang, Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time, and they ran as fast as they could to the door. Sally the birthday girl got there first, she was in her favorite dress, and she really did look pretty. She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag. She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box. There was a moment between them when their eyes met, Agent Dexter lived for this moment, the marks never knew what was coming, and it was exhilarating to him.

He put the tape in and pressed the play button.

Meanwhile…

Agent Jones could see someone in the doorway looking at the mark, he tried to get their attention but it was too late, he could see the agent from the other company leaning over to play the tape. He was too late.

Agent Dexter pressed play and the music started.

“Happy Happy Birthday, Happy Happy Day, I hope its a great one in each and every way.

Agent Dexter started dancing in the doorway for the little girl.

The Mark squealed in delight and said,” Mommy mommy look it’s aclown, oh mommy I love clowns,” thank you so much. This is the best birthday ever.

Agent Dexter smiled back at the little girl, he loved this job, he really did.

One day a friend and I were talking about family, family love and family values. Our conversation turned towards mothers, and as always when we speak of mothers we speak of love, we speak about respect.

My friend went on to share with me a fable he heard. A tale, about paying homage to our mothers.

The fable goes like this;

There was a man who made a pilgrimage to Mecca. He traveled over 500 miles from his small village to the holy site. Once he was at this holy place he then spent the required 5 days walking around the shrine in the center of the site. This man not only walked the 5 days but he carried on his back his aged invalid mother for the entire 5 days so she too could pray. After the 5 days had passed the man told another worshiper about his wondrous act of honoring his mother.

The other mans response was; “you could have carried your mother on your back all the way from your village, for the full 5 days and all the way back the 500 miles home hopping on one leg and you still wouldn’t come close to honoring her as she so rightly deserves.”

I found this fable very profound. This story was inspired by that fable.

Please enjoy.

MY FIRST LOVE

“I’m over here Kahn,” called Pearl from across the grand hall. Kahn smiled and turned towards the sound of her voice. It was a sound, that from the first moment he heard it, he knew he would love her forever.

“I’m coming Pearl, I’m coming,” he called back as he made his way through the throngs of people passing him. She too was weaving in and out of the crowd. She reached her hand through some of them. Kahn reached for her. He took her hand in his. He smiled as he felt her grip, she leaned in and Whispered, “come outside with me.” Like children with a devilish secret they sneaked past everyone and found a secluded spot outside the grand hall.

“I just came from the doctor, I have the results Kahn,” she squealed. Kahn looked into Pearl’s eyes. He knew at that very moment their lives would be changed forever. Pearl shrieked, “We’re pregnant Kahn, we’re really really pregnant. Twins Kahn, one little girl and one little boy.” They were holding hands and they started jumping up and down in circles. Suddenly Kahn stopped and said,” Pearl you shouldn’t be jumping like this in your condition. You need to be careful for now on.”

“Oh, Kahn, she said you’re going to be a wonderful daddy, I love you.”

MONTH 3

Pearl was getting dressed as Kahn came up to her, kissed her tummy and said,” look at my babies.” Pearl smiled as her husband lifted his head and softly kissed her on the lips. “I’ll start breakfast,” he said as he scooted past her and into the kitchen. Pearl came in and satin her chair while Kahn served their meal. He asked Pearl to say their morning prayer. They held hands and bowed their heads as she gently spoke the words. Kahn was in absolute bliss as he listened to both the prayer and the sound of his beautiful wife’s voice.

MONTH 6

“So far, everything looks normal with your babies.” The doctor started but, I am concerned with that swelling on your throat Pearl.” She had been feeling sore for awhile now. “Let’s set up for some tests over the next few weeks, okay Pearl, I want to stay ahead of any complications,” said the doctor.

Later that evening as Kahn slept. Pearl wept silently. She had always wanted to be a mother and now suddenly this mysterious illness might take that away from her and Kahn.

MONTH 7

“Well Pearl, the doctor started, I’m afraid the tests are correct. That swelling is affecting your bodies immune system. Based on all the samples we’ve taken from your family it appears we do not have a match. We need a compatible match for your anti-bodies. You haven’t much time left. You should consider and early delivery of your son and your daughter.

“How long has she got doctor?,” Kahn asked through his tears. “It could be a few months or a few weeks. I’m sorry Pearl, unless we find a donor with the right anti-bodies soon well…I’m sorry really I am.”

Pearl spent the next morning sitting alone in the nursery. She was rocking in a chair as she rubbed her swollen belly. “No matter what happens my children. Know this I will always be your mommy. I will always love you, oh and one more thing, take it easy on your daddy, okay?” Pearl said as a tear rolled down her check, landing on her belly.

MONTH 8

It had been 2 weeks since the doctor ran some additional tests on Pearl and the twins. She and Kahn sat anxiously in his office awaiting the results.

Finally, the doctor came in and sat at his desk across from them.

“Pearl, Kahn, I have the results of the tests we did. It appears that your unborn son has the exact anti-bodies needed to save your life Pearl. Further tests have also revealed that your son is actually sending these anti-bodies into your system. Your daughter is perfectly fine and you Pearl, you are improving considerably.” The young couple embraced each other momentarily relieved.

“But, the doctor began; there is bad news as well. I’m sorry to say, as your son is saving your life, he is killing himself Pearl. He will most likely not live till birth. I cannot explain how or why. But your unborn son is literally sacrificing his life to save yours.”