This baby factory only makes boys, apparently: if you could see my uterus, it's probably blue. And has a beard.

This fact was a little bit of a cosmic joke, because prior to birthing a domain full of dudes (four, to be exact), I was a total girl's girl. Makeup, exfoliation, perfume, cute shoes. Fruity drinks instead of whiskey shots. Risk breaking a nail? No thank you. Bugs and worms: eww.

But being the mother of a male - whether one or many - changes you. It doesn't mean you have to give up your girly ways (in fact, it's probably more necessary than ever to preserve at least some of them), but parenting someone of the opposite sex can bring challenges that you've just got to adapt to.

So if you're pregnant with a baby boy, or know someone who is, or have a very young boy that's still more babyish than boyish, I've compiled a list of helpful prerequisites to being a boy's mom. You're welcome.

#1: You must love bath time.

And by "bath time" I don't mean you yourself sitting there in a candle-lit bathroom with an inflatable pillow and a tub full of luxurious rose-scented suds. I mean you must love giving baths, because boys require a lot of them. You must be prepared for drenching splashes, a wet-dog smell, a soaked floor, and tons of dirty towels. Same when they get old enough to take a shower by themselves - except then, there's the added "bonus" of the wet-dog smell lingering after they're done, even though the body wash is disappearing like they're eating it. Unless you stand at the door and remind them twenty times to use soap ... everywhere!

(PS - don't buy expensive body wash.)

#2: You must think farts are funny.By the grace of God, I was born with this toilet-humor-loving trait, so I have had a pretty easy time dealing with this aspect. Boys think farts are funny: period. And the way you handle that can determine your stress level. If you laugh with them, you'll all benefit. If you try to get them to stop laughing about it, it will only make things worse. Just stress that there are appropriate times and places to let one rip (i.e., not during the silent part of church or while eating at a restaurant) and you'll be good to go. Even if you personally don't find farts humorous (in which case I'm wondering why you're on my blog), you have to learn to tolerate those who do. Because there'll be a lot of that going on.

#3: You must be prepared for constant - CONSTANT - battle with the toilet. From the time I found out I was expecting my first boy, I was dead-set on one thing: teaching him to use the toilet properly. You know, putting the seat down and stuff. Common courtesy. I have always been a straight-up dictator diligent with my sons when it comes to that, because one of my fears is that they grow up to be men who don't put the seat down. Ick. But despite my best efforts, there's always something. One remembers to put the seat down but not to flush. One remembers to flush but doesn't close the lid. One leaves toilet paper in weird places, like hanging out of the bowl or on the floor (WTF?). And they all sprinkle when they tinkle. I am forever reminding them to aim! Flush! Put the seat down! Close the lid! And then to add insult to injury, I have to clean it. It's seriously exhausting to keep a clean toilet when there's a boy (or a few) using it.

#4: You must rethink your standards of "safety."

Okay, nobody call child protective services on me - I'm not talking about letting your kids ride without a car seat or letting them play with a lighter. But think about the mom you know (and we all know at least one) who sterilizes her kid's pacifiers and bottles religiously. The mom who hovers endlessly and gasps loudly when her precious snowflake takes a teensy-weensy tumble. You know that mom? Yeah. You can't be that mom when you have a boy, because boys are just rough. They jump off of things and slide down things and climb up things and roll and tumble and tackle and leap and pounce and run. ALL THE TIME. They taste dirt and kitty litter and glue and hardened gum from beneath park benches and restaurant tables just out of curiosity (I mean, one of my boys ate candy that had been peed on). They try to ride their bikes, scooters, and skateboards faster than everyone else ... and try to out-jump everyone else on trampolines. And if you've got multiple boys? Fuhgeddaboutit. They do all that plus wrestle, and occasionally get into full-blown knock-down drag-out fights.

Just stock up on Band-Aids and look the other way for a little bit. For your own sanity.

#5: You must not be surprised at drama. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me, "Oh, you're so lucky - boys are way less dramatic than girls." ... Really? Because my boys are as dramatic as they come. There is plenty of stomping, eye rolling, sobbing, shouting, door slamming, and general sassiness going on around this piece. I don't know why everybody thinks boys are naturally easy-going, respectful, agreeable creatures. It must be because my sons' dramatic outbursts are over "legit" things ... like me not letting them use my good earphones, or getting relegated to "Player 2" on the XBox. Right? Recently, my eight-year-old "hated this house and all his brothers" after a burping contest escalated. And after tripping over his shoelace, my Kindergartner flattened himself out on the floor and wailed, complete with tears, "This world is too dangerous for someone like meeeeeee!"

Don't ever let someone tell you that you're lucky because boys aren't dramatic. Seriously. They have no idea.

#6: You must be prepared for messes.

Sometimes I go slightly insane at the condition of my house. But unless you can afford to hire a full-time housekeeper, messes are just something you'll have to deal with. And I'm not talking about just clutter from toys. No matter how often you yell and threaten tell them, boys are just not that conscientious about tracking in mud, or grass clippings, or getting toothpaste all over the place, or spilling milk and then maaaaybe half-assed wiping it up with, say, the corner of the tablecloth. (And the boys' toilet? See #3.) Boys will also wipe boogers on walls and carpets and slop food all over the place like pigs at a trough. This isn't due to lack of coaching; trust me, I feel like I spend 75% of my waking moments preaching about keeping things neat and tidy. (I spend the other 25% cleaning up the messes that result when my preaching goes in one ear and out the other.) All of this intensifies with multiple boys and/or a visit from multiple friends. Which brings us to the next prerequisite ...

#7: You must have a lot of food on hand at all times. I was so fooled by this one. Because when your kids are really little they eat virtually nothing, and you think, "I sure am glad my kids aren't big eaters!" And then they get to this stage where - holy crap - did he just inhale those scrambled eggs? My tiny, twiglike eight-year-old will annihilate a man-sized portion of breakfast and complain that he's still hungry. And they always. Want. To snack. My refrigerator opens every five minutes when the kids are home. (And in between those five-minute spans, they're raiding the cabinets.) We spend enough at the grocery store every month to make me feel faint in the checkout line, and we still run out. These little eating machines are like a pack of hungry locusts - and when one has something, they ALL want their own. I can't wait until they're all teenagers!*

*Note the sarcasm. I can totally wait. I need time to find a few more jobs and take out a second mortgage so we can almost afford the grocery bill.

#8: You must be prepared to go through LOTS. And LOTS. Of JEANS. I have written several blog posts about this very subject because seriously? Four boys later and I am still utterly astonished at how fast they can ruin a seemingly-sturdy pair. Denim is supposed to be this rugged fabric, and it may work for lumberjacks, but it's no match for the crawling, scraping, staining, and scooting of little boys. I find this ironic, though, because ...

#9: You must be cool with nudity.

I don't know how my boys go through so many pairs of jeans because, hell, it isn't like they wear them at home. In fact, it isn't like they wear anything at home. In my experience, from the time they are physically able to remove their own clothing, they will. My boys start stripping down the instant they get home from school. Sometimes they lounge around in their underwear, and sometimes they forego the underwear altogether. Which brings us to my very last piece of advice ...

#10: You must get used to "The Grab." I'm talking about the penis. The wiener. The tallywhacker. The wee-wee, the pee-pee, the goods, whatever term you use. They are going to grab it every chance they get (see #9 for an approximate estimation of just how many chances they get). Your adorable infant son will reach down to grab his as soon as you take his diaper off, and in my nine years of experience mothering boys, it doesn't stop after that. They'll pull on it, stretch it, flick it, anywhere, any time they can get access to it. They'll do it in the bathtub and while watching TV. I have literally been forced to utter the phrase "Stop wrapping your penis around your fork." They do it in a way someone might, say, bite their nails or twiddle their thumbs: automatically, absentmindedly, innocently, frequently. After a while, you won't even notice.

... You'll probably be too busy cleaning up messes or shopping for new jeans.

824 comments:

LOL, all these are SO true! And at your house, it's multiplied by many times because of the massive population of little boys. And as they get older, there will be more "musts" to add to this list: stinky shoe smells, expensive sports equipment, etc. But somehow, those messy little critters will win your heart forever!

You totally will! In my son's eyes mommy can do no wrong. I am the best, smartest, prettiest, most perfect person. I do feel sorry for my hubs sometimes, but I am not gonna lie... It's freaking awesome!

I'm in the process of adopting three boys 8,3,15 months. This now explains it all, I went from 0 kids and single, to 3 boys and single. I had only sisters so boys are very foreign to me, but everything you wrote is so true

I'm in the process of adopting three boys 8,3,15 months. This now explains it all, I went from 0 kids and single, to 3 boys and single. I had only sisters so boys are very foreign to me, but everything you wrote is so true

Wow this mad me laugh so hard. I have 4 boys 15, 11, and twins that are 7 and you nailed it. Yes I am outnumbered by the boys and life most days is crazy, but I wouldn't change it. I love my boys mess and all. My house looks like a war zone most days and the bathroom smells of boy toilet misses. Quiet does not exist in our home either. So glad I found this blog.

Wow I laughed so hard cause this is so true. I have 4 boys ages 15, 11, and twins that are 7. My house is crazy most days and the smell of the boys bathroom misses linger, but I wouldn't change it. I love my boys so much. Quite does not exist in our house and messes are an every day occurrence. So glad I found your blog.

I have a 16 year old and twins who will be 8 on Sunday. I was totally unprepared for the reek of a teenage boy! My mother-in-law, the mom of two boys, assured me this was normal. I can hardly stand to walk in the kid's room! Was thrilled when he started crushing on a girl at church. At least I can get him to shower, wash his hair, and use deodorant at least twice a week now without having to nag!

The twins are liable to put me in an early grave, if the toilet issues don't put me in a mental hospital first! We have the cat box in the boys' bathroom and I was blaming the teenager for not keeping it clean, causing the cat to pee on the floor. Come to find out, it was one of his brothers!! The other twin has a superhuman ability to produce gigantic poop on occasion. He has clogged toilets in at least three different houses trying to flush his poop!! And that was BEFORE he had even used toilet paper!!

Boys are so gross, but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world!!

So true!! I have 2 boys and was the only girl growing up in a house full of brothers so I am pretty used to it, but the wrestling thing I will never understand. Well actually most of it I don't understand but they do keep life exciting! Thanks for sharing!

I teach all my boys to sit down...they are currently 12,9,6,&3 and all still do. I, typically, do most of the cleaning but when their schedule allows, they help clean up the house. My 2 oldest clean the bathrooms...didn't take them long AT ALL for them to establish that they didn't like cleaning it up! But, my rule is that they have to SIT down when they are in my house and they don't have issues with it because they don't like to clean it up! :D

Yep, got smart with #2 (born when #1 was 11) and taught him to sit...saw big brother just once and it was OVER! Now I am satisfied if he sits when I say "why don't you sit down because you are so tired". Just so you know, their aim when they are tired is CRAP!!

We taught my 6 year old to pee sitting down but when he's tired it shoots straight through the gap between the seat and the toilet rim!! He also discovered the joy of doing it standing when he saw a friend doing it and seeing how far up a tree trunk it would go...............boys...... My 2 year old now stands in the bath waving his around like he's getting into practice already! xxx

One day, my only daughter said, "How come you and I clean the toilets and i'ts the boys (5 brothers and 1 dad) who miss? You and I are the only two who actually get it in the right place!" That night, my husband took the boys into each bathroom and taught them how to scrub the entire place (walls, floors, garbage can, toilet, baseboards)....all of it. From then on, the boys did the bathroom duty! They can miss all they want, they just have to clean it up after!!!

For commenters who suggest teaching your boys to pee sitting down, you can try it, but it won't last. School bathrooms will take care of that. Some kid always comes along and firehoses the toilet and floor -- heck, maybe the walls. From that point, anyone who contributes even slightly to the mess isn't going to clean up his own contribution because that would require cleaning the whole mess, and that's not going to happen because eww. This apparently continues into adulthood, based on a lot of the public toilets I've seen. It's a vicious circle. Of pee.

best way to teach little boys how to keep it in the toilet is throw cheerios in and let them aim and sink. A reward of M& M's. one to one ratio is good. Then teach them to clean. Love the boys for who they are.

I used to accuse my two boys of standing in the doorway of the bathroom and peeing in the general direction of the toilet! I, too, am a BoyMom, they fit me, I get them. Love your post, but so bittersweet. Mine are 26 and 29 and its true what my mom used to say. Enjoy them while they're little, time flies.

ahhh the beauty of a 6' 4" hubby and a 6' 5" son....they both pee sitting as they both hate getting "splashed on the legs" by the errant spray gaining velocity as it travels from such great height!! LOL.... They LOVE going to a BR that has a decent height on the urinal; in the meantime the home-front stays relatively clean (we are talking about guys, after all!!) :D

Ha ha ha....LOVE THIS! I, myself, have 4 boys (ages 10,8,6,4) and have just recently been blessed with our FIRST baby girl (she's 6 months old). I feel like no one understands my life. he he he.... Well...that's not true. There are a FEW of us out there. :)

Lol this was great to read! I have 2 boys, 32 and 29, and so much is right on! The drama is just starting! Lol the one thing that became a plus as they got older they may have over joked and played that drove me batty at times, they did over spoil me, and on that it was nice being in that special place with them, to many great fun memories to come for you!

Lol this was great to read! I have 2 boys, 32 and 29, and so much is right on! The drama is just starting! Lol the one thing that became a plus as they got older they may have over joked and played that drove me batty at times, they did over spoil me, and on that it was nice being in that special place with them, to many great fun memories to come for you!

My son isn't any of these things. I have a 5yr old who cleans his own room, makes his bed, puts toilet seat down when he's finished, no drama or anything like that. It takes discipline to raise children. You can always be a better parent. Your children are a reflection of yourself.

So that says alot about this blogger....her children seem happy and are enjoying their childhood, and will have so many wonderful memories and stories to share as they grow up. And then share them with their children...Hope your child is able to do the same. After he cleans his room of course

My kids are all of these, too. They are well-disciplined, they clean their rooms, but then "captain America" (my 4year-old's chosen name) decides he has to strip down to his bat man underwear, pirate sword, and shield, and in 2.5 seconds, the room is a disaster again. He pees sitting down, but when he climbs off the toilet after a poo, nothing short of divine intervention can keep that telltale brown smear off the seat. He wanks off to Barney (something I promise to tell all his girlfriends!) And he wrestles, oh heaven does he wrestle, with my 2 year old (who can really hold his own)! They spill stuff everywhere, and try to clean it up. They splash in mud puddles when I turn the sprinklers on. They are messy, rambunctious, and HAPPY. If they are a reflection of me, well I'm doing a darn good job. My kids are the happiest little bugs I have ever met. They have an awesome childhood, they enjoy life, and they enjoy being kids. How sad that some of these commenters seem that they'd rather have a spotless house than let their children be children!

You people who brag that your children aren't any of these things??? Are you proud of that? Hard hand of discipline will cause your children to be tools and followers. My boys are just like all of these things and the happiest funniest, smartest, most lovable enthusiastic boys on the planet. (age 2 and 4). Dime to a donut you "discipline" types are blue collar working class types. You have no authority and prestige at work or in society so you make sure you're the BOSS at home.

Now who's shaming? LOL. My home is filled with love and laughter...and kids who do chores and care for one another. My girls are the worst. Messy, loud, dramatic...just wait until they're teens. I thank God every day that we only have two girls. The boys are a breath of fresh air...and think the girls are crazy. But all in all, kids will be kids. We don't laugh at darts--unless one sounds funny--and if we pee anywhere but the toilet, we clean it up. And since half of America are blue collar working class, you just insulted half of the US. Dime to a donut you married for money and your husband works long hours to avoid your nasty attitude.

I love smug bitches who take the time to criticize a FREAKING BLOG POST and say they have it all figured out. I have three boys, full of crazy energy, and I personally loved (and identified with) the author.

Just because you claim that your child "doesn't do any of those things" certainly DOES NOT make you a better parent.....that is the most asinine thing EVER! Laughable too. I'm the mother of two crazy boys and you are no better than I. Go right ahead and keep thinking that you are though.....karma baby! Lol!!

That was a completely uneducated thing to say regarding blue collar workers. I'd rather be a ditch digger then a judgemental ignoramus writing ridiculous stereotypical BS regarding the hard working parents of this country. I'm so laughing AT YOU! Lol!!!

LOL! My 8 year old niece about had a heart attack (very quietly to her mom as she was too embarrassed to tell me!) when I told her the air mattress in the teenaged boys room was for her!! I just don't smell it anymore!

EXACTLY!!! I myself have 4 boys & it is exactly as you described!! Good to know I am not the only 1 out there that must "look the other way" in order to not go crazy or have a complete meltdown from the messes, the pee in the bathroom (even tho I keep clorox wipes on the back of the toilet), the fights, etc etc Great post :)

Oh so true. I have 3 boys and your article was right on the money!! Insanely noisy, messy, fart joking, little men who can be dramatic at times! The way they can enter the bathroom to brush their teeth and then end up dancing around half naked…it still astounds me!

Have a four year old and his father..............Knock before you come into our house, I am the ONLY one who wears clothes! As soon as my son comes in from preschool, shoes off, socks off, pants off and then the shirt. His father is the SAME WAY.

You nailed it! And while I only have three boys and one girl (the girl is WAY less dramatic, by the way), my oldest boy is 15 and his modesty has only gotten *slightly* better, but the food intake has increased, along with the messes, drama (girls with no cooties), safety issues (hello, he's driving a car), and nagging him to at least shower once a day (he always will if he knows he will see aforementioned girl, if not, who cares if he stinks? I mean, we all do, but he doesn't).

I had 4 boys before I had my daughter and even after that, I had a surprise of another boy, I so get this. This is soooo us. And as teenagers I couldn't keep up with the food, I have 3 moved out now and finally I have leftovers. I need to relearn portions for meal times :)

this post is awesome!!! I have 2 girls and 1 boy. 10 yog, 6yob, 4 yog, and other than number 10 my girls are as bad as your boys!!! I must have tom-boys. my youngest loves glitter and makeup but 98% of the time she is naked or muddy. Unfortunately never both at the same time so I always have muddy clothes to wash. And when my oldest started school I was proven wrong about girls not ripping there pants, by the end of the school year she never has any "nice" pants.

Oh number 10....I actually had to tell my son once to stop wrapping his penis around the phone cord as I was talking on the phone. He thought it was hilarious. But man, it is like a magnet. Clothes come off, hand to penis, always.

I have 3 boys (9,6,5) and a girl (3) and you were absolutely spot on! My boys are extremely dramatic but my daughter is as well so let's just say there is a lot of drama in the house. I need to laugh at some things that you mentioned instead of fussing over it. Enjoyed the blog thx!!

I have a 20 month old boy and hes my littke tasmanian devil. Everywhere he goes he leaves a trail if destruction. He makes so much mess. But he does like to clean like sweeping he loves dust pans. Went to my daughters school and found a box full of them his eyes popped out of his head and he could not contain his excitment. Im slowly trsining him to put things in bins. But sometimes he makes a mess just so he can use the dust buster or tissues which is annoying but kind of cute. As for the rest well i think all kids are terrors boy or girl. My daughter was okay while she was little she could sit still at least. But now shes 7 going on 17 and its all backtalk and not doing things i say unless i bribe her. Good times.

I've noticed that there's always one commenter with a daughter who has to try to be offended when posts are written specifically for mothers of boys. There IS a distinct difference to those of us who are the ONLY females in their house (even if your daughter is a tomboy).

all so very true!! This totally cracked me up, but I have to share, that I only have 2 boys, 13 and 3.. but oh my gosh, my oldest put me through the wringer!! He loved being naked, was always playing with his junk!! I actually had to remove GUM that he had literally stretched out and WRAPPED around it!!!! FYI: the best method for fixing this was baby oil.. and patience... and once, he shoved his underwear full of hot wheels and bounced around telling me it felt "good", and once, when he told me his "pee pee was big"... to which my first answer was "go potty".. and when it was "still big"... I told him to keep his hands off it if and it will go down.. LOL... fortunately my youngest son hasn't done all this yet.. but no doubt.. it's coming... ... oh, and I stopped buying my oldest new jeans and started buying at consignment stores, when we went through about 5 prs of jeans within a few weeks... they kept inexplicably getting holes in them (in the same place)... I suspect he was cutting them at school... this one keeps me on my toes.. my last child was a girl...and I'm so glad I get to experience a girl too... but in all honestly, I'd have been perfectly happy to have all boys :)

This is SO true. There really is so much drama. I don't know why people think boys aren't dramatic. My brother's house has that same set up with the stairs and one of my boys has done that same thing with hanging down.

This is excellent! I am 1 of 5 boys and my wife and I have 4 boys of our own now! I all these apply exponentially (especially when you add the dad in the total of dudes). After watching the movie "300" (this is not an endorsement) I always consider women who raise multiple boys as "Spartan Women"! Any and all mother's are to be honored and esteemed, but it is a special calling to nurture, train up, and wipe the butts of a battalion of men.

I have 4 boys 9,7,4 and 3 and everything you posted is totally true. My 9 year old can eat more then me and my husband. My refrigerator is opened every 5 minutes too and the toilet thing is a never ending battle. I clean more pee off the floor then I do toilet. Haha. Thanks for the good laugh.- nicole

OMG!!! #6 completely rang a bell with me!!! I had 3 kids, 2 boys under 3yrs old and a newborn baby girl. Needless to say, getting all 3 of them to nap at the same time was very rare. One Saturday, I managed to get all 3 down for a nap, so my husband, at the time, and I decided to grab one as well. 3 kids under 3 wears you out! First we woke up to giggles and then silence. About the time we realized it was quiet, our noses were assaulted with the smell of baby powder. We opened up our door and began walking down the hall to the living room. The smell quickly intensified. We walked into the living room to see where the 2 boys had gotten the vaseline out of the diaper bag, as well as the baby powder, and smeared vaseline EVERYWHERE!!!!!! Then they dusted the greasy mess with baby powder! We had a wicker coffee table that we had to trow awat b/c you could not clean the vaseline out from between all the wicker twigs! It took 2, or was it 3? baths with Dawn dishsoap to get the boys clean. The tv screen was NOT fun to clean.

I love this! My mom sent it to me for note-taking I'm sure :) I have an 8-month old boy (only child right now) but who knows if we will have more boys, only boys or no more boys. I am a neat freak and am already learning I'm going to have to let some of that go in order to keep my sanity. Glad I'm not alone! :)

All this is true I have 4 boys and I have basically gave up on certain things I never thought I would and my dad tells me all the time I have it easy cause I have all boys that at least I didnt have girls like he did he just dont know the half of it

If I have to put the lid up to pee, I don't feel bad making someone else put it down to pee. If you're living in a house with more boys than girls, it actually seems counter-productive to make lid-down the standard.

I can't even imagine....I have 2 boys that are 15 months apart. (Not to mention my 3 daughters that are 18 and 15 yr old twins) I am so thankful that my life is NOT this story...One is almost 13 the other is 11. I pray that this never happens to us. God bless those who live like that. I don't know how you do it.

I just have one son, after having two girls, my boy is the baby and oh what a rude awaking it was to find out all of these things first hand. I had no clue. He is 15 and there is only three of us left and my son eats twice as much as my husband and I do. AND he is skin and bones. My food bill is killing me.. Thanks for the laugh..

As a mom of 2 boys 14 months apart this is a must read!!! The non stop, all day messes, destruction, spills, fights, tantrums that make others consider calling cps, and the poop....dear God do boys poop a lot!!!! My husband is oldest of 3 boys so I'm pretty certain that if I survive the 2 I have, the next would be a boy as well!

That was as REALLY good laugh! Thank you for that! I have 4 sons as well. Almost 11, 6, 4 1/2 and almost 2. This is my life! Ironic that it doesn't seem funnuntil I read it. ☺ I also have a daughter so we've had to a little more strict with the nudity around here.

Ahahahahahaha! One word to all this: LEGIIIIT! I have four boys 6,5,4 and 2 and another dude due in August. We are forever trying to solve the bathroom issue lol! But I refuse making them sit...it just seems immasculating to me. But then I guess the next step is hiring people from hazmat LOL!

I have three boys, a girl and a girl on the way....this is so great! Dear Lord, I almost peed a little when reading about your boys' commode etiquette (or lack thereof;))! I had the very same lofty notions about how I was going to raise civilized little men....

Thanks for this article! Shared it on my Facebook wall, I'm the only mom of multiple boys that I know right now, and it's new territory for sure. The four year old is turning 5 next month, going to Kindergarten in the fall, and my 2 year old is just finding his little (giant!) voice (speech therapy helps). If I could invent a force field that would stop them from hitting (kicking, biting, etc...) that would seriously help us get through any given day. Also, I'd like to add that I never knew boys would ARGUE so much! And holy cow, it's over NOTHING, and sometimes doesn't even make any sense!! If they just weren't so darn cute, I'd have eaten them long ago... hehehe... :)

OH MY GOSH...I AM CRACKING UP SO BAD!!! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU !!!! For posting this...feeling totally insane the last 2 months with PICK UP YOUR STUFF STOP BEING SO PIGISH BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BELONGINGS I AM NOT YOUR MADE!!!! 5 BOYS R TOTALLY EXHAUSTING BUT REWARDING. Nice to know are boys are just every other boy out thier. It's as if I wrote this...you are awesome to even find the time to write this...I bow down to you

As a fellow mother of four sons (aged 15, 14 and 6 year old twins), I can relate to EVERY SINGLE ONE of these. One of the twins is a nudist the second he arrives home from school. I don't think the neighbours recognise him when he wears clothes. The older boys are a struggle to get into the shower and when we do we can't get them out and I don't know how many times we've had to send them back in to tell them to use soap everywhere... either that or we stand at the door and remind them at least 3 or 4 times during their epic shower.

I'm in trouble!! My 2 year old boy already eats everything in sight and CONSTANTLY!! All day long it's "more eat," "snack," etc. I lost count on any given day that I have to tell him to leave his penis alone. Pee...oy! All over the seat and he's ONLY 2!! Yes, he's potty trained at 2, fantastic right? It's a just an early start on cleaning extra pee in our bathroom, that's all.

Learn to accept that the DEFAULT toilet position is "boy position", meaning seat and lid UP. When you want to use it, put it in YOUR position, "girl position", and then when done return it to "boy position". ACCEPT this and your life will be much simpler and happier. Someday when they're grown and gone you can keep it in "girl position" or in "closed position".

They should make special jeans for boys with triple reinforced knees. Lol. All of this is true and I wouldn't change it for anything because a hug from your son can make your heart feel like nothing else in this world. P.S. if I counted the times I found boogers stuck on the wall...oh wait here is another.

Love this...I am a Mum to 4 daughters and 9 boys and had a really good chuckle at this.....and yes I agree it doesn't seem funny when you are first going through it....but after a few I became more relaxed.

I absolutely cannot stop laughing. I always say "there's just something about being the mother of boys" ;) mine are only 2 and 3 and we experience almost every one of these now, even the eating with the 2 year old- I don't know where he puts it!!!

with boys aged 27, 25, 22, 19, I've often thought of my mothering job as more like training wild horses. I absolutely loved this post. Thanks for bringing back the memories. It's fun watching the process begin again with the grandsons!

So true, but for both of my kids! Only, my daughter doesn't have a penis. She loves to get DIRTY, naked, and is crazy. She is always getting bumps and bruises. However, my boy is very specific about keeping the house clean. I must have been neurotic about it when he was younger

I'm currently pregnant with my first baby, which so happens to be a, boy. I have a little brother, but it's been years since he was little and i forgot all about these crazy things, lol. I just love # 10, I literally laughed out loud. Thank you for posting this!!

Not sure how I stumbled on to your site, but welcome to the family. I'm the mother of three sons, my oldest was 10 1/2 months old when his twin brothers were born. We all survived and they are now 44, 43, 43. I could relate instantly to ALL of your 10 points. I'm blessed to have three grandsons now, and the phrase turn about is fair play comes to mind occasionally. My grandsons, are of course, perfect. LOL Thank you for sharing and for the laughter.

I know just what you mean. I have 9 boys and life has been full of noise and messes. One time I came out of the bathroom and they had broken open a large bag of flour and were driving their cars around in it making little white roads in the carpet. My 10th child was a girl and it feels like I am a new mom. I don't quite know how to proceed.

Ohmigosh! After raising (yes... RAISING!) three girls, I am now raising (as in in the process of!) A BOY. He's now 8 and I'm still having culture shock! He's wonderful! But... you hit on every single one you listed!

So tired of all the gender stereotypes from the parent bloggers. This list (minus the genitalia specific one) can just as easily describe many many girls that I and everyone else knows. And, on the other side of the coin, there are many little boys out there who don't do any of the things on this list. Let's stop projecting our own personalities and likes upon all our children of the same gender and let kids be who they want to be without making them.feel like they are acting against or with so-called gender norms.

Jack, sorry, but boys and girls (on average) are different. I tried to be all gender neutral/project nothing. My son just gravitated to "boy stuff" and is far rougher than any of my friend's girls. I thought like you did, but that Y chromosome is winning out. But he still says baby birds are "so cute" and that behavior is encouraged, I swear.

I have 5 boys! I also have 1 daughter and was raised in a home with 7 sisters. There is a difference between boys and girls! There just is. This being said, does not make one gender better or worse......just different!

Ugh. My eyes won't stop rolling after reading Jack's comment. I suppose you are raising your kids gender-neutral? Why can't a person write about their OWN personal experience without having easily offended people like Jack make inane comments?

My husband and I laid in bed reading this list laughing until we cried. As a mother of two AMAZING boys (5 & 1) this list is such a wonderful look into raising little men. Everyday is an adventure, and I would not change a minute of it. Thank you so much for this delightful read:)

So perfectly put. My life in a nut shell. I have 3 boys. And I've lived every one of these moments. For goodness sake I gave my oldest New clothes to put on. He took of his pjs and sat on the couch playing with his junk. I swear...if I had a nickle for every time they grab their penis...I could easily afford their grocery bill.

I am the mother to a 3.5 year old boy with another boy on the way. I have a boy that sits when he pees (for now) and he has some pretty good aim as long as he's not distracted. He takes the worlds longest showers (5+ minutes before I get in and another 10+ minutes after I get out...because he's busy playing). He plays with his penis all the time....because he's constantly naked. I've answered the door with him butt naked behind me. ::sigh:: He plays with dog poop and rocks and wood chips and eats dog food and poops outside because the dog does it.

In a house full of boys, wouldn't the common courtesy be to leave the toilet seat up? If there is only one person that sits to urinate, why should the entire household cater to that one person? In any case, once a kid is thrown into the mix, one should ALWAYS look before sitting. Not just to avoid sitting on pee or poop as the case may be, but to avoid flushing some toy that will have the toilet out of commission for weeks with several failed attempts at repair.

This is right on! I have an 8 year old girly girl but when she was 5, I had twin boys. And they are ALL. BOY. After such an easy going little princess wrapped in tulle and rainbows I have quickly learned to let it go and roll with the stinky, dirty punches. Those two rowdy things have my Momma's heart though!!

LOL Bless your heart for living with 5 boys (I count Dad as a boy since he is.. just in a bigger body) I only have 2 (1son 1 hubby) and it's more then enough. Loved this THANK YOU!!! Feel less insane as a mom of a boy. ohh the last one... the penis.....always naked always playing with it...well ok I got it limited a bit but not much

My 8 yr old girl is a pleasure to deal with (hormones and all) compared to my 2 yr old son... Its unreal. I've have an ongoing photo album for all of his big messes and I function on auto pilot to clean after pictures are snapped. Don't get me wrong, girls take a lot out of you but, I swear, boys have no sense. What goes on upstairs?? I'm including my husband in that... "Why did you do this/that".... "I dunno.." Omgeeee!

Heres a little tip..I only have 2 boy babies (and 1 grown up boy)...but I tell them that when they are in the family areas of the couch and they want snuggle time with their hand down their pants, the rule is THUMBS OUT...at no time can the thumb go lower than the waistband of any pants....Its a great cue and it works...saves some trauma for us moms...and it works on ALL ages!

Thank you for the amusing and completely "truthful" account of boys. I have 5 and when they started hitting the teenage, football stage, my grocery bill was completely unreal. At one point, we were going through 17 gallons of milk a week (that is the truth!)

One point I wanted to add about bath time and toilet usage. Don't be surprised when you find them peeing on each other. It's a game they play continuously and delightfully. I have even seen them have sword fights with the pee stream and believe me, none of it was getting in the toilet!

With all these boys in the house, don't be surprised with holes in the walls, broken windows and doors, snow sleds coming down the stairs towards you (with the boys on them), several boys on the floor laughing and crying at the same time because they were playing the "got you in the crotch last" game, and of course, the youngest being hung upside down while being mummified by 12 ace bandages so only his nose is showing. Yup, that is the kind of house where you find multiple boys.

But the best part....a ton of huge bodies who hug and kiss their Mama, and who grow up to be amazing men! Yup....love a house of boys!

Thanks for the laugh! Oh my, checking every single box here too with my three boys... My oldest (5) dropped trou the other day to reveal he was sporting a batman mask with his pee wee poking out the eye hole. And the jeans right? The hell do they do to the knees in those things?! When I get past all the yelling and threatening in hopes of raising some good men, they do make for some funny stories. And lots of laughter. A house full of boys is full of laughs.

I had two girls first and they are so opposite of boys! They would play together quietly and would rarely fight. NEVER has there been punching, wrestling, burping or farting contests. I now have 2 boys...one is 3 and the other is only 2 months. I have only seen a glimpse of what you are talking about...I am NOT ready for this! lol

Amen! I feel like you and I are the same person! I too, have been blessed with 4 little prince Charmings (yes, there are plenty of other titles I could've written here, but I don't want a backlash of criticizers) :P They are 11, 8, 3 1/2 yrs and 18 months. Like you, I was a girly girl. I was the "dancer" anxiously awaiting my own little ballerina to accessorize in pink tutus and bows. Well, apparently we don't make girls. I told my husband on the 3rd boy, "3 strikes your out!" Of course, he figures those were all home runs! Then there are those people out in public, strangers, that always comment on my 4 cherubs, and it never fails when they ask, "Are you going to try for a girl?" Ummmm, THAT's how we got the last 2 boys! I have finally thrown in the towel, and accepted that my future is full of torn jeans, bathrooms that smell like port-a-potties, and endless amounts of Legos on the floor, in the baby's mouth, in my refrigerator, in the baby's diaper or piercing the soles of my feet! I do love my boys, there is NEVER a dull moment. Whether it be finding them laying in a mud LAKE in the backyard...NAKED, or finding 1 dozen eggs smashed in the carpet under the Christmas tree while the Crystal "mommy" ornaments (that were hung on the top 1/2 of the tree), were smashed in the refrigerator, or even filling the "Ball Popper" that blows hollow plastic balls up for them to land in the track and roll back inside...with Popcorn to make it SNOW in their bedroom... they are my boys and they have changed my life. <3 this blog!!!! Keep pressing on!

Totally agree with it even the last one sadly. I have 5 boys myself my oldest 20 year and the youngest boy is the terrible craziset 2 yrs. But luckily I have 2 girls added in there but that just add to craziness.

Hilarious! I also have 4 boys (ages 8, 6, 4 and 1) and I have needed to totally change my expectations for how my home looks and the type of activities we do compared to my childhood (which was a house of mostly girls), as well as the "safety" aspect (I try not to look when they attempt crazy things and thankfully my husband is a doctor so we just keep stitches and derm-glue at home, which we've only needed once so far). Despite this, I am so blessed to have my boys and I love the energy and fun they bring to our home every day!

I laughed so hard I cried!!!!! I've got a 10 month old boy who has recently started with "The Grab". I could have died the first time he did it and started laughing!!! Thank you so much for the peek down the road. I'm off to petition Sam's Club to start stocking industrial-sized vats of Valium next to the peanut butter...

This is spot on. Although I will say that raising boys is far easier than raising girls. Even with the loud, rammy, filth and food devouring ways of boys, girls can put you under in record time. FYI- teenagers (boys and girls) eat their weight in food daily, on busy days, it can be hourly. Start plantng and canning.

Omg.. I laughed so hard. Its like you know me and my life! I have 5 boys (10, 7, 5, 3,& 7 mths) and everything you wrote it so accurate. Glaf I am not the only mom out there going through this :-) And for all those who think teaching them to sit and pee let me put this imagine in your head... a fire hose unattended. It still gets everywhere. Gotta love em, they are my world :-)

I have 3 boys ages 13, 10, and 4 my house has a minimum of 10 kids at my house play inside and out.I can buy a weeks worth of food Friday and it be gone before Monday it's like they are locusts. My house is always messy.Ican clean all day and 1/2 after school it will look like I haven't touched it and people come over and complain my house isn't clean. Try raising three boys and their friends lol my house is always noisy and crazy but I love it.

HA! Oh my goodness, I love this post so very very much! I have two boys and a girl, and I know what you mean when you say boys can be VERY dramatic! I say this all the time. And the food thing. One of my boys is in the stage where he doesn't hardly eat, and the other is devouring everything in sight. When the second catches up we are certainly going to be in trouble because my 5 year old already eats more than I do (and I'm breastfeeding so I eat a lot!). Thanks so much for writing this post. I am in LOVE with your blog!

Oh so funny! Don't forget, #11..."You MUST be prepared to repeat everything you say, at least twice, more like 6 times, to EACH boy in your household. Be prepared to just make a recorded tape of your voice."

Hehehehe.... A little advice for all you toilet warriors out there. Mom raised eight boys. She found it was easier not to be lazy and check the seat herself and be happy that her boys lifted it at the proper time. That was the only time she yelled about the toilet was if she had to clean it first before she could use it. This is her words not mine.

Loved reading this! It brought back allot of memories. I am the mother of 3 boys who all have grown into wonderful men.But there were times between the broken bones and stitches that I thought " social services are going to come after me one of these days." One, who had a fear of nothing, broke his first arm at age 2 and one that tended to be top heavy and was always needing stitches in his head. Boy, those were the days!

Hilarious! My boys are only 20 months and already love pulling thei wee little weenies and being naked as much as they can! I wish they'd eat more though, right now they hate food.I would have to say though... technically speaking, your uterus does not need the blame for producing boys - your hubby's sperm is the gender definer. So, he can hoist up the blue banners in his manhood.. and your uterus can be the mothership. HA!

We are currently raising our 3rd set of children. 2 boys in their 30's now. Adopted brother / sister set of kids after the first were grown. Now raising grandchildren. Two of which are boys. 7 & 5yo. It's gotten easier cause we've been there, done that, and have the wisdom of age to help us enjoy the RIDE OF YOUR LIFE! Still chuckling, THANKS.

I had 5. No girls. I can totally relate to the 10 'musts'. My boys are now men and I can't say enough good about them. My buttons have all popped off from my pride in them. They have turned into wonder men and I now have 3 grandchildren............all 3 are boys! I wouldn't change a thing.

......And when they hit puberty they have a very distinctive odor......smell......heck.....they just stink! And if they are with a group of friends, whewww! It will make your eyes water! Those clothes take 2 or more cycles in the washer, too!But, there's nothing like a mommas boy when they are growing up, and then they'll turn into your best friend ...... and give you granddaughters!

We had three boys before we had our daughter. This is all so very true. Now that we have the girl she is just like her brothers only she wears a dress..The part about stripping as soon as they walk in the house is very true here. All 4 of them go straight for their pajamas as soon as we get home. The smell with boys was something I was not prepared for :) We now have a foster son who is the same age as our oldest. The smells that come out of two 17 year old boys rooms is a complete mystery :)

I am the mother of an almost (7 days) 12 month old boy and #10 makes me feel so much better. I was beginning to think that him playing his weenier as much as he does wasn't natural, but I can see that it absolutely is!

"in woman voice" Oh.My.This.Is.So.True. I have 43 boys and I'm preggs with my 44,45 & 46th. I have ages 1-43 and 3 more in the oven! I totaly loved this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's all soooo true! Piss everywhere...penis twirling....43 naked boys running around...it's all just so crazy! But I wouldn't trade them for the world!! I'm so totally still laughing!!

.......And when they wait puberty they have a very distinctive odor.......smell........oh heck........they just plain stink! And if there is a group of them, whewwwww! It will make your eyes water! And those clothes take more than one cycle in the washer, too!BUT.......there's nothing like a mommas boy when they are growing up, and then they become your best friends......and give you granddaughters! !!!!!!!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! For posting this... Sometimes the messes created by my 3 boys (ages 9, 7 & 5) drive me insane!! My daughter is 4 and aside from peeing everywhere and grabbing her member, the boys have taught her their habits well. The constant bickering drives me nuts as well. They are good kids... But the drama is constant.

I lmao at the penis around the fork. Hubby and I decided when our son was a baby that we should compile a list of things that we never would have had the need to say before our son. Things like "Don't eat the doorstop!" "The cat doesn't WANT to wear mashed potatoes!"Also, as an only child who grew up with five girl cousins and only one boy cousin, I spent the first two years of my son's daredevil-style life adjusting to the idea that there will probably be emergency room visits - lots of them - in my future. So far we've been lucky and it's only been one trip to the ER - but he's only five so there are still many years to go!

I'm a first time mom to a 4 month old baby boy. I helped raise my two little brothers when I was 12-ish so I know all about the potty issues. If the amount of drool my son produces is a sign of what's to come I'm doomed. I read a comment about using cheerios as targets in the toilet. I really agree with this! That's how I finally got my two little brothers to aim. My question though is what is with boys painting with poop? My brothers did it on the glass shower door, and my nephews do it on the side of the vanity.

I am a single dad of two boys they are my everything how ever everything you say is true blaming darts on each other in the store and so on but i am raising my boys to be gentlemen and respect girls we can't let are boys forget about that

I am a single dad of two boys they are my everything everything you say is true hahaha down to us blaming farts on each other in the store and so on but I am raising my boys to be gentlemen and respect girls they can be dirty tuff but as men we take of girls we can't let are boys forget about that

I laughed so hard reading this. I was one of four girls, I'm now raising three boys!The differences are interesting to say the least. I say I have three drama kings....drama queens have nothing on the boys I swear LOL.Thank you for this. Oh so true...

I thought this was so funny. I want to send it to my friend who is pregnant. But she is pregnant with Triplets, all boys. And she has an 18 month old son. I am afraid it would make her cry instead of laugh. You pegged the boys pretty well though, I have 2 boys and one girl. I had one climb in our dog crate/cage naked. I thought, Gee I hope DHS doesn't stop by and see the naked kid in a cage. LOL!! He was fascinated with the cage.

You certainly hit the nail on the head!! My five (seven years from first to last) are all grown and gone :( my sons now tell me stories of things I did and said that I truly don't remember! but the times I remember will be with me for an eternity! what a blessed mom I am!

From the proud mother of 6...2 boys and 4 girls :) And soon to be 12 grandchildren :) The boys were much easier to raise! Don't get me wrong, my girls are my heart but there is just something about boys that truly does keep young and they are the only ones who think the sun rises and sets on you. lol Yes they smell and can be loud and cause many trips to the ER but they are so worth it. I laughed and laughed as I read...your blog is so very true. Try this, I put Cherrios in the toilet during potty training and had a "Hit the Cherrio" game. Taught aiming while still allowing him to stand to pee like his Daddy. It works :)

I am a single mother of 5, 1 girl, 4 boys. The absolute best way I have found to potty train them was the spring going on 3, I taught them to pee on a tree, outside. They loved it, improved there aim and were masters by fall. Hardly any mess. Of course I do not live in a "big"city and have access to private trees. My biggest challenges are food, laundry, keeping rooms tidy, washing there hair...but most of all how they compete with each other. Who runs faster, weighs more, jumps higher, reads better, wins at video games. It is endless. I love the organized chaos our life has. I wouldn't have it any other way!