January 3, 2007

…now, as you attempt to settle into a new routine for a new year, a part of you feels as if you may be living on another planet from certain other people. In a sense, you are. That’s why it is so important to live by your standards, not theirs.

Which I should keep in mind as this new year begins. I’m starting to realize how living by other people’s standards in the past has damaged me, and it’s going to take a lot of work to get past the damage to my self-esteem, to my ability to be loved, among other things. I’m figuring out how to do that, I hope. But it’s just barely starting.

I feel like I’m drowning right now, barely holding it together. It’s been so hard for so long now, it seems, and it’s going to continue being hard.

But I am learning how to cook, because I have to. Last night Tallulah started eating the food that I made for us, and she said, “Mom, this is really good. You’re getting better at cooking.” This, after I burned the bacon on Christmas morning. I guess I am getting better. Putting a meal together requires a certain type of thought process that I just haven’t cultivated in my entire adult life, because I always had someone to rely on to feed me. Yesterday evening it started clicking in for me, that thought process, very vaguely, but I saw it come together as I poured olive oil into a pan, chopped garlic, and almost without thinking decided to add some tomatoes and marjoram, and so on. And a meal came together and the children actually ATE it. Even the broccoli. And it is so good to know that I’m doing something right with my children, that my daughter, without prompting, in an appropriate moment, knows how to show appreciation and encouragement. And she’s not even six years old yet.

That was the bright moment of the evening. The rest of the time I was in tears, not really holding together very well, feeling frantic inside. My eyes drop the tears without me even knowing anymore. The future is very scary.

But people tell me I’m strong, and I guess I am. I look back on the last 6 weeks and don’t understand how I got through the days without completely falling apart. But I’m still here, and I’m still (mostly) functioning, so there is some strength in me.

Things I want to work on this year:

– cut back on the amount of smoking, so I’ll be closer to my goal of quitting before I’m 30
– walk to work more
– learn how to plan meals that are healthy and inexpensive (eat less meat!)
– check out the gym and see if exercise helps my stress
– get on top of getting the dental work I need
– reduce the amount of “stuff” in my home environment
– get closer to becoming the adult I want to be