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Month: May 2014

If you’ve been living under a rock, Mizzouri defensive linemen was drafted in the 7th round of the 2014 NFL Draft. The thing I remember seeing most on my timeline was “Good, Michael Sam got drafted. Now it’s all about football.”

This was immediately followed by at least two days of griping about ESPN showing Sam kiss his boyfriend, and image that was allegedly repeatedly played everywhere, but that I had to find on YouTube just to understand what everyone was complaining about. Then news broke that Michael Sam — who, may I remind you, is the first openly gay football player in NFL history — would be getting a docuseries chronicling his road to the NFL.

Sam potentially getting a reality show that most fans won’t ever see was greeted with a large groan. The NFL is like the nWo; once you’re NFL, you’re NFL 4 Life! The NFL has to consume you. Your individuality is swallowed. You basically have to become the fucking Borg, living only to serve the shield. Fuck being an individual. And being gay? Pfft. Don’t ask don’t tell, bro.

Jason Whitlock (who must be jumping up and down that he now gets to Uncle Tom about not just a black player, but a black gay player as well) wondered would immediately cut him upon hearing a player was getting a reality show. Because on a team that signed Kenny Britt (i.e that guy who keeps getting arrested and just posted an Instagram of him fucking his girlfriend), drafted Stedman Bailey (who’s suspended for the first four games of the 2014 season for violating the league’s substance abuse policy), and a league that has an owner getting a DUI with drug money in his car and a Pro Bowler dragging the unconscious wife he knocked out out of an elevator and one of the youngest and brightest talents in the league potentially getting suspended for 16 games and where Greg Hardy just got arrested for Domestic Violence, Michael Sam may be a HUGE DISTRACTION!

Football fans want to forget Michael Sam is gay in the worst way. They want him to just be another guy, and the fact that people are legitimately intrigued at THE FIRST OPENLY GAY ATHLETE IN THE NFL (emphasis added to make sure people get that this is kinda a big deal) drives them batty. Twitter went crazy when Michael Sam smashed some cake in his boyfriend’s face and kissed him.

They way straight men described it on my timeline was as though Sam had licked cake off his boyfriend’s cake, then spit in his hand Brokeback Mountain style and commenced to boning him on live television. “The thing with the cake was too far!” they said.

Forgive me, but this might be the most tame thing I’ve ever fucking seen. Ever. It’s almost laughable that a bunch of men (and maybe some women) are so insecure that the above clip was equal to watching a Sasha Gray gangbang. “WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!?” they scream. “I don’t want my child seeing that!”

1.) Your kid has the internet. He/she probably already has.

2.) Your kid is not stupid. They know gay people exist. They’re not mythical creatures.

“If it was a straight couple they wouldn’t have shown that! They’re trying to shove homosexuality down our throat!”

1.) First, phrasing.

2.) If it was a straight couple, you probably wouldn’t even noticed. If it was two lesbians kissing, you probably would’ve GIF’d it. Who cares?

DC Twitter is even dumber about this. “When Jan Vasely was drafted, I thought him kissing his girlfriend was too much too!” Really? You thought this shit…

…was too much? Come on. Really? Who are you? What time period do you come from? You should be more offended that the Wizards drafted Jan Vasely sixth overall than you should be that he kissed his girlfriend.

Hell, for half an hour after Blake Bortles got drafted third overall by the Jaguars, I saw more pictures of his allegedly hot girlfriend than I did of Bortles himself.

You’re not being forced to accept homosexuality because Michael Sam is on television. You can always change the channel.

“Well I shouldn’t have to change the channel! I watch ESPN for sports!”

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck you, dude. Seriously. You watch ESPN for sports? Then you must be thirstier than hell, because you won’t find a drop of water in the ESPN “sports” well. Even SportsCenter is like 60% bullshit debate, 30% unfunny personality and 10% sports highlights.

No one is forcing you to accept homosexuality. You are free to believe whatever you want about the gays. Just because the rest of the word is coming out of the dark ages doesn’t mean you have to.

You probably should though, because it’s easier to just accept that a person has a different lifestyle than you than to come up with bullshit reasons to hate them.

Fear not, football fans. In a few months we’ll get to hear endlessly about Johnny Football and Michael Sam’s gayness won’t get to bother you anymore. Keep Calm and Carry On…being a kind of immature jerk.