Art

The Five Essential Life Lessons I Learned From 'The Outs'

Do you ever find out about something so magic that it feels like God personally reached down from the heavens to give you a high five? That’s how I felt yesterday when I heard that Adam Goldman’s phenomenal web series The Outs was coming back from the dead for a second season next year. If you missed the Kickstarter-funded seven episode series back in 2013 because you were busy making a moronicHarlem Shake video or having your lifeforce sucked out Dementor-style by Ylvis’ song “The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)“, now is your chance.

When I originally discovered the series in 2013, I was fresh off a cross-country move to New York for college, and had learned quickly that I would be asked (a lot) if I had seen Sex and the City—I haven’t. Between this and binge-watching every movie I could find above a two-star rating in the Gay and Lesbian section of Netflix, I had come to expect the usual one-dimensional gay characters, Madonna and Lady Gaga references, and wooden acting that seem to pervade LGBT movies.

Four hours of ravenous watching later, and I had fallen in love with the show’s realistic and brutally honest take on navigating your 20s in the city—and now it’s your turn. As I look back on the first season in preparation for next year’s new episodes, here are five things I learned from the show.

My Dream Job Is to Taste Test Wine After Having A Casual Threesome

It’s a scientifically certifiable fact that the best character on the show isn’t Scruffy, a protagonist’s kind, lovable boyfriend — it’s Oona, the bitchy best friend. From her biting sarcasm to her unwavering affection for a fine wine, she quickly became Life Goals. It’s been two years since I began living on and off an IV drip of $2 Trader Joe’s White Zinfandel, and my mission to become Oona has failed miserably. Not only have I not slept with two straight guys at the same time, I haven’t even been paid to drink a single glass of wine. The dilemma may lie in the fact that I’m not drinking fancy wine, but I’m on a budget and if I can get housewife drunk on stuff that tastes like juice for only $2, I’ll take the romantic loss.

Using The Line “If You Promise Not To Get Fresh” Absolutely Does Not Work On Dating Apps

As a young queer in New York, I’m used to perusing the gritty underworld of online dating to try and find the meaning of life and a good hookup (or a date, if I’m feeling ritzy). In an effort to be clever and probe whether the person has seen The Outs or not, I occasionally use this gem of a pickup line: “If you promise not to get fresh with me, I’ll give you my number and we can text.” This may come as a shock, but I haven’t met a single person who knew what that line was from. Rather than igniting a serious relationship like in the show, it has resulted in me divulging this embarrassing admission about my love life to anyone who’s reading this.

Food Delivery Guys Are Pudgy Older Men Who Look Constipated and Are Not Cute or Young

Look, I know that the awkward-yet-cool-yet-distant hipster delivery guy is out there somewhere, rejecting an offer to split a burrito from someone who answered the door in boxers and a dirty t-shirt. I just cannot find them. Instead, my takeout is thrust into my hands by a pudgy older man who looks constipated, which I admit is a natural state for someone who is riding a bike all day. These pothole-specked streets cannot be good for your butt. Until the day arrives when a lukewarm pizza is delivered to my open arms by an angelic music snob with great taste in eyewear, I’ll just have to settle for the Tinder date whose lazy eye was definitely unnoticeable in their photos.

Going Through A Slut Phase To Get Over A Bad Breakup Will Happen

Speaking of bad Tinder dates, a slut phase will happen, and it will most likely be caused by heartbreak. It doesn’t matter if the heartbreak comes from a months-long relationship, or the hot guy on the subway I made eye contact with twice before he got off at the stop before mine. The Hurricane Sandy level of hormones that will flood your body like Lower Manhattan are a natural part of life. My rule of thumb to avoid sleeping with a guy who has a side phone for his sluts and wants to be your human dildo is to check out his Instagram first. You can hide crazy pretty well on dating apps, but there’s no hiding it when I scroll through someone’s profile and come across a double-filtered photo of them with their four cats. If human interaction in the real world appeals more to you than cyberstalking, a little bump, grind, and IG username exchange never hurt nobody. Just make sure the beauty you share your joint with at the club isn’t going to ask you to use his facewash in the shower post-sex—that’s just weird.

No Matter How Much I Focus On Romance and Food Delivery Services, It’s The Shared Holiday Meals With Friends And Wine That Truly Matter

After gracing the earth and Internet with six episodes of the show, Adam Goldman melted thousands of hearts with his holiday-themed Hanukkah episode. When I first saw the special, I had no way of knowing that I would be thrown into my first holiday surrounded by friends instead of family on Thanksgiving. There were no dramatic and emotional blog posts read aloud to the room that day in my dorm, but there were arts and crafts, a small fire caused by homemade croutons, and six dollars worth of wine. Yes, that means I drank three bottle of wine by myself, but isn’t holiday season about being as happy as you can be?

With no solid release date besides 2016 announced, the only rational decision now is to curl up in a blanket with a drink in one hand and Grindr open in another, and start watching The Outs for the first (or fourth) time. Oh, and if you do somehow get a hot delivery guy, tip him well—he probably just got sexual harassed by a lonely gay guy named Mitchell who was wearing a party cardigan.

To watch the entire series, click here. You can also check out Adam Goldman’s other web series, Whatever This Is, by clicking here.