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Your Mom’s Guide to the Ivy League

There’s an old saying that writers should write what they know.

So what do I know? I know the Ivy League. I went to Brown. I come from a long line of Dartmouth men. (No women back in those days.) I have friends who have attended each of the Ivies. And I’ve visited all of them — except Cornell. Because Cornell is convenient to absolutely nothing.

Of course, I know some of the Ivies better than others. But according to me, I am well enough informed about all of the Ivies to share my wisdom about them with you. So here are some important facts I think you should know. I hope you find them useful in your college search.

Brown University

Famous for: Having no requirements. At all! You can graduate without ever going to class. Or seeing Providence. Really! (Please don’t tell my parents.) Also, free tampons!

Notable Alumni: Me; Hermione Granger; a LOT of minor royals from small countries (bonus admission points to the scions of monarchies in exile); Daveed Diggs (the coolest possible combination of Brown and Oakland, CA. Represent, Daveed!); JFK Jr. (Yes. I was in a tiny seminar with him. And yes. He was that handsome in real life.)

Columbia University

Famous for: A safety violation that allowed Peter Parker to be bitten by a radioactive spider and turn into Spider-Man.

Little Known Fact: Columbia’s wiki includes a dress code which describes — in excrutiating detail — what to wear from “casual” to “white tie” and when to wear it. In case you were wondering, “black tie preferred” may include an ascot. Occasion? “Opening season at the opera.” Sadly, they failed to suggest something that would be really useful — like an ensemble for going to the grocery store or cleaning my house. So Columbia’s dress code only gets a C+. I’m disappointed in you, Columbia.

Notable Alumni: Alexander Hamilton (Go ahead and sing it. You know you want to. “Alexander Hamilton. My name is Alexander Hamilton. And there’s a million things I haven’t done. But just you wait. Just you wait.”); Barack Obama (I’m working on an interpretive dance about him. I think it’s going to be a massive hit!); Meadow Soprano; Martha Stewart; a ridiculous number of spies.

Wait . . . . Penn is in the Ivy League? (Cheap joke. I know. But it works. Every time.)

Yale University

Famous for: Being the venue for some great love stories — Bill and Hillary Clinton; Skull and Bones; Rory Gilmore and Logan Huntzberger; George W. Bush and Beer. Upon further reflection, perhaps “great” is too strong a word.

Little Known Fact: Yalies traditionally play a game called “Bladderball” which is a rule-less game involving much alcohol and a fight for a giant leather orb. It also has, at various times, included a leaflet drop by helicopter and referees in top hats and tails. What could possibly go wrong?