Love beyond the wounds

“The truth of my past sexual abuse escaped my lips”

The year leading up to my eighteenth birthday was, to put it nicely, interesting. Between trying to finish school yet, miserably failing, a dysfunctional relationship, finally dealing with my father’s death after 12 years of burying the wounds, admitting to & trying to deal with the multiple sexual abuses that broke my childhood, plus other bumps and bruises along the way- I was lost. I came to Christ having previously been an atheist. I was still wounded by much, scarred by experiences I tried to forget, even after surrendering to Jesus.

By the time early June 2015 came around, I was nothing like who I envisioned myself to be. I remember looking in the mirror and not recognising the girl staring back at me. My entire life collapsed that year of June 2014 – June 2015. Everything that I had buried in the soils of my own past, took root and with years of watering and feeding them with my stubbornness, pride, arrogance and hurt, they became more visible and the trees grew. The pain was fruitful. The hurt was no longer hidden. Laying in my bed, in tears, eyes swollen and trying not to scream, I could hear the pieces of my heart doing its final breaking. How did I get to this place? That day, I couldn’t even sit my exam. Panic attack. Asthma attack. Lies about my relationship unveiled. My lack of attendance at school came to the front. The truth of my past sexual abuse escaped my lips. Anxiety. Guilt. Shame. Anger. It all hit me like a tonne of bricks, in one day. But, so did God’s love. At my lowest I felt God wrap His presence around me, and I released it all. I’ve been releasing, forgiving, accepting and healing since.

Today, I stand not without faults or scars- they are there. And that’s the thing with life, wounds heal over time and they’ll bring fruit, positive or negative. The point isn’t to run away or try to bury them. But rather to first, be willing and humble enough to reconcile with your history. Second, be committed to the development of your present self. And third, be determined to invest in your future self, whilst understanding, it may never be the flawless fairy-tale we all hope for when we were innocent minds with no care in the world. Every day is a journey, every day has been. I have learned that, my scars aren’t stories I need to hide, but gold medals proving I did more than just survive. I conquered. Truth is, Christ is still doing His work in me and through me and, I confess that I have not yet arrived. But, I am sure of this one thing – I am becoming her, the woman I was destined to be. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6

And that’s the thing, we are all becoming someone. Whether that is a better version of ourselves, or a fainting collage of who we should be. We can choose who we are, and who we will be. Nothing about this journey of becoming is easy. It’s not always cold water on a summer’s day. But, when you’ve committed to facing yourself for the sake of yourself, you’ll do yourself proud. It’s worth it. I can say that. I’ve learned to live, and not just exist. I’ve traded my fears for freedom. And, I’m learning to love. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3