Real Feelings.

Get Buff With Your Main Dog, the Big Dog: Lesson Numero UNO

It’s your boy, the genetically superior Big Dog, here to explain some beginner techniques towards building up that perfect beach body. Sure, I’m a genetic freak BABY – these muscles were at least 50% a gift from God/Science, BUT, that other 50%? Pure gun-pumping.

You might be thinking, “But Big Dog, it’s already September! Isn’t it a little late to develop an exquisite Mr. Universe style physique like the one that you, the Big Dog, possess?” Haven’t you ever heard of indoor beaches? Any good hotel has a good indoor beach, so no FREAKIN excuses. Also, building up a killer body is NOT a part time job. If you want to look like a genetic freak like Big Dog, you better quit your day job and take this thing seriously.

IT’S REALLY FREAKING SIMPLE, SO OPEN THAT EAR-HOLE WIDE AND LISTEN, NERD.

Even if you’re the biggest city slicker in the world, styling to the max at all of the fanciest designer boutiques and 4-star restaurants that appeared on “The Iron Chef” like the Big Dog, you know that nothing gets you more ripped than owning a tract of land, tilling the earth, wrangling some critters, building a family farmhouse and barn, and watching the fruits of your labor blossom into a bountiful yearly harvest.

You may be asking yourself: “Well yea Big Dog, buying a farm sounds like a great way to get ripped to the max, but how am I supposed to afford to buy a tract of land and all of the wood I need to build a farmhouse, seeds and some cows and pigs.” WELL, YOU LITTLE FREAKIN’ WEAKLING, THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE AS HELL: A BANK LOAN.

If there’s one thing I know about banks it’s that they LUV loaning money to city slickers so they can start up a farm. NO STRINGS ATTACHED (according to my bank)! Straight up, just get a bank loan and get that puppy rolling. Bank-owned land + farm for sure, DEFINITELY equals ripped muscles until….the cows come home.

U can be like me if u work hard 😉 😉 😉

Once you got that shiny new deed all crumpled up in your puny weakling hands, it’s time to get some freaking DIRT UNDER THOSE FINGERNAILS. You will be buff in no time, trust the Big Dog on this.

Step 1: Purchase a subscription to the Farmer’s Almanac. There is a pure crap-ton of important information and cute anecdotes in the Farmer’s Almanac. Plus, the weather predictions will unlock the most important facet of your mind for getting truly BUILT: when it’s going to be hot enuff to show your buff stuff at the BEACH. Plus, it’s the freakin’ Farmer’s Almanac. It was MADE for the new you.

Step 2: Build your farm/plant some seeds/raise livestock/get married to a farm partner and have farm kids. To be honest, The Big Dog is a bit hazy in the membrane on this step. Dig a bunch of holes with your bare hands in the dirt and dump some seeds in there though. Yeah. Sign up forwww.farmersonly.comto meet a bangin’ new farm lover. The Big Dog doesn’t need online dating platforms to pick up his pack of cutiez, so he can’t speak to the effectiveness ofwww.farmersonly.com. The Big Dog assumes its like Tinder, except instead of saying “whats up” and talking about nothing, you say “what’s up” and then talk about raising and slaughtering pigs.

Make sure to pick a profile picture where those arm peaks look extra TUFF, and wear your most muscle-hugging outfit. Which leads to part 3:

Step 3: Buy some tuff-lookin’ overalls. If you’re a farmer, you GOTTA wear some tuff lookin overalls. THEYRE AWESOME FOR SHOWING OFF THAT RIPPED UPPER BODY. PLUS, they give you that KILLER farmer’s tan, which will send all of the city hottiez into a FRENZY of passion for your amazing bod!

THIS IS YOU, THIS IS AN ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU ON YOUR FARM! GET FUCKING HYPE!!!

Step 4: Get some weights/install an extensive weight room in your new barn. While your new family is slaving away under that HAWT AUGUST SUN, working the hoes (lol!) and errr….shovels, tilling the land and getting it primed up for a dope harvest, you GOTSTA be pumping those guns 24/7.

Step 5: Pay back your bank loan (or flex your new bod to the bankers and get them to erase your bank loan if you’re as fly and sculpted as the Big Dog). ‘Nuff said, don’t wanna be racking up interest on that loan! I may be BUFF AS HELL, but I’m also, FISCALLY RESPONSIBLE AS HELL.

After years of back-breaking labor and emotional distress due to struggling crops, competition against agriculture conglomerates, and cigar-chomping banking bigwigs rolling up to your front door in a black sedan, unrolling the window, blowing dense plumes of smoke in your face, then opening up a burlap sack with a big dollar sign painted on the side of it so you can deposit all of your family’s earnings directly, YOURE BOUND TO BE BUFF LIKE YOUR MAIN MAN, THE BIG DOG. THANK ME LATER AT THE PAGEANT, YA DING DONG.