Thursday, September 30, 2010

In a Pinch: Pleading for Clenency

Yesterday the sporting world was shocked to learn that Alberto Contador, the pretend pistol-packing, fingerbanging, incapacitated-Schleck-attacking winner of the Tour de France, had tested positive for a banned substance. This substance was clenbuterol (street name "Clen" according to iSteroids.com, the Performance Bicycle of steroids), and the test took place during the Tour, on July 21st. This revelation immediately sent use of the stock concerned Greg LeMond pursed lips photo into overdrive:

“I find it hard to believe that a professional like Alberto Contador would risk a detectable drug and I can’t believe how many people have left a certain team and then gone positive,” Lemond told Cyclingnews after hearing the news.

As for Contador himself, LeMond was more benign:

“Anything like this is devastating but this is like someone going positive for marijuana, I don’t think there’s a benefit to it but if it’s on the list, it’s on the list."

Indeed, most cycling fans would probably not feel cheated if Contador had tested positive for marijuana during the Tour, and if anything it would only make the victory that much more impressive. Anyway, sometimes it's good to be retired, since at least you can get "baked" whenever you want:

Until you consider that a picogram is equal to one trillionth of a gram, which makes him more of a microscopic "Clenface" and means his rest day Clen binge would look more like this:

(Magnify this image roughly 20,000,000,000 times.)

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, "Sure, 50 picograms isn't much Clen. But all that means is that 'Clen-tador' went on an 'epic' Clen binge right before the Tour and those 50 pics (in Clen street parlance) was all that was left." However, Contador was also tested in the days immediately before the positive test and no Clen was found. So was there residual Clen kicking around in his system undetected that suddenly popped up out of nowhere one day like an erection in math class? Or did Contador indeed take 50 picograms of Clen, despite the fact that (as even Greg LeMond points out) such an infinitesimal amount would have no effect on his performance whatsoever, and would only succeed in tripping an extremely sensitive drug test? As for how he would actually consume this invisible amount of Clen, here is a picture of the syringe he might have used:

(Minimalist doping: Clen-tador's alleged syringe.)

And here is a picture of the dealer who sold him a 50 picogram bag of Clen:

(You can tell he's a drug dealer from his mustache.)

Therefore, at this point, the most likely explanation is that Alberto Contador has a miniaturization ray with which he can shrink himself down to microscopic size, like Dennis Quaid in "Innerspace:"

Once this tiny, he would easily be able to visit any one of the trillions of microscopic open-air drug markets currently in business all over Europe, and moreover he could do so without being spotted by the full-sized press. Then, once he scored and consumed his "fix," he could return to normal size without anybody being the wiser. In fact, Contador is probably not the only rider with a miniaturization ray, and I suspect that many riders may be shrinking themselves down, consuming extreme micro-doses, reaping the benefits of training while microscopic, and then re-enlarging themselves just in time for races. This would explain the popular saying, "Train small, race large."

Or, if you're the gullible type, you could buy his claim that he doesn't have a miniaturization ray at all and that the Clen was in his dinner:

While this might explain the tiny amount of Clen in his system, it totally fails to account for the miniaturization ray, and I'm just not buying his "personal grooming" excuse. Indeed, the most plausible part of this story is that Alexandre Vinokourov did not eat any of the tainted meat "because he had dinner earlier that day." As everybody knows, Vino is an egoist. As such, he always eats separately from his team, and his customary Grand Tour dinner is a cake in his own likeness:

Also, Contador fails to say whether he ate the entire piece of meat, or if he returned to Spain with a "doggie bag" full of leftovers and gave them to Ezequiel Mosquera.

Of course, another possibility is that Contador did indeed eat tainted meat, but that somebody with a bit of a PR problem and an artisanal ax(e) to grind intentionally slipped the Clen into his dinner:

("Just adding a little palate Clen-ser.")

In any case, all of this underscores the fundamental irony of being a cycling fan, which is that it's impossible to look away, yet at the same time it's incredibly tedious, and in order to actually see anything you need a microscope and a degree in biochemistry. Maybe they should just replace the UCI with a local bicycle advocacy group. That way, they'd simply excuse every single transgression regardless of severity as long as the rider was wearing a helmet at the time, and everybody could just get on with it.

Just as any article about fixed-gears must contain some awkward explanation of how the drivetrain works, so must a "cycle chic" article contain a derisory comment about "sporting" riders:

They are a far cry “from the image of the adult cyclist as infantry solider with a helmet,” Mr. Bliss said, referring mostly to the athletes and messengers who whiz by in that all-too-familiar forward-thrust posture that has, he said, “alienated every pedestrian.”

This is because the "cycle chic" are far more down to Earth than their swifter counterparts. Roadies and messengers take themselves and their bikes far too seriously, whereas the "cycle chic" simply consider them "rustic enhancements:"

“I get sweaty a little, but it doesn’t bother me,” she said. Her bike, after all, is a stylish appendage, “a kind of rustic enhancement,” she said.

I always thought that "rustic enhancement" meant holing yourself up in a log cabin with an artisanal axe and a whole bunch of Enzyte, but evidently it's just another term for "bicycle."

But life isn't all ignorance-induced bliss and rustic enhancement for the "cycle chic," who also have their share of problems. For example, sometimes people get mad at them for riding around on the sidewalk:

Ms. Page-Green, who likes to speed around on the sidewalk, has encountered hostility. “When you’re going too fast, people get mad at you,” she said. “I’ve had canes waved at me in the distance.”

I'm not sure how riding in a forward-leaning position while wearing a helmet "alienates pedestrians" but riding around on the sidewalk doesn't, but then again I'm not very "chic." Of course, it's mostly people with canes who are troubled by this, and in the "cycle chic" universe elderly people don't actually count as "pedestrians" since the statute of limitations on being "chic" runs out after 65 years. (Incidentally, if you're unfamiliar with cane-waving, it's basically an old-timey "douche-clamation point.")

Speaking of canes and "rustic enhancements," the "Cockie" entries continue to come (insert your ejaculatory joke of choice here), and it would appear that cycledom is now one step closer to a bicycle made entirely out of bamboo:

I'm not sure if bamboo bars are officially a trend, though they may be a panda-demic.

I liked this part of the NYT story: "And most are turning their backs on the once-customary aerodynamic helmets and latex shorts in favor of a look as fetching as it is genteel." Latex shorts were new to me, so I did an image search. Fetching, maybe; genteel, uh-uh.

Snob, you are making a false assumption about pedestrians with canes. I am 16 years younger than 65 and use a cane. I must admit I am too much of a southern redneck to ever be considered "chic," but it is not because I am old.

I must say, I have never actually waived my cane at a cyclist though, I actually need to use mine for what it was designed for.

but to be fair, regarding bsnyc handling lance with kid gloves: sure, take him to task all you want. that seems fair to me. i don't personally care (at all), but he's definitely not intellectually honest / open about that one, and it's pretty obvious.

but hell, if you were a cyclist/blogger/writer friendly with lance, why the hell *wouldnt* you treat him with kid gloves? again, he's a realizt/pragmatist. makes sense to me.

I'm not sure how Livingston and Lim testifying before a grand jury is indicative of "his boyfriend's demise", but I can only imagine that anon1:30 obviously has more insight into what they said than even the article states. I can see where we should ignore AC's positive, and LeMond's kinda endorsement of the situation in favor of nothing really publicly happening in the investigation into the US POSTAL team, of which Armstrong was a part.

Since any grand tour is really just a Critical Mass ride gone terribly awry, I say the only viable doping solution is to require all riders use drugs. The new doping list would not include banned drugs, rather prescriptions for each day. Riders could win points based on how they "perform" on any given drug. This could be a great boon for drug companies as well, who would become to new sponsors of the "sport."

Bunch of pals and I were at a dive saying goodbye to a friend (a former cyclist) who's moving south. The perennially-losing-Tribe was finishing out the typical season with a doubleheader home win over the Tigers on the teevees over the bar. We wistful old dudes were getting all nostalgic about baseball, and what it was like when we were kids. Remarkably baseball is a sport that has always been dirty (Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle--going so far that cheating is an enshrined tradition: "stealing" bases, stealing signs, juiced balls, and much much more. And as I said, bad ball players are as old as ball games.

I actually think that cheating or recognition of the inclination of athletes to engage in doping or other performance enhancements is just "a thing." What I mean is, cheating and doping has always happened, cheating and doping will always happen. Athletes are the least likely humans to be unselfish, ego-free, and uncompetitive.

From one perspective the parade of cheats and crybabies in sports is just one more spectacle for the fans to talk about in dives while they say good bye to old pals and youthful naivete.

Could the NYT please write an article about cycling that doesn't make me want to punch their staff in its collective face. Thank god I live in Detroit: I'll be an old man by the time we have to worry about gentrified scum riding their dutch bikes on the sidewalk.

I did not limit myself to erections in only math class. Being a free spirit I cultivated rock-like protuberance when any of the below listed conditions were present:1. teacher was hott.2. chick sitting in front of me was hott.3. chick sitting beside me was hott.4. chick sitting behind me was hott.5. chick I was thinking about was hott.6. it was right after breakfast.7. it was right before lunch.8. it was right after lunch.9. it was right befor final bell.

Here's my one comment on doping: it doesn't matter how much (or little) was found in Contador's pee. What matters is WHAT was found. If he doped for a while before the Tour and then stopped in time to test clean on the first day and took no more banned substance during the race, the results might still be exactly as they are. The reason is that the body under stress uses energy stored as fat, which will also contain traces of whatever else has been in the body for the last few months. Thus, a doper who goes clean before a race may test clean and then test dirty after the body has dug deep for every ounce of contaminated fat--or, in Contador's case, every picogram of contaminated fat. So my question is still, how would the banned drug have gotten there--is he really so careless about what he eats?

Anybody who isn't aware that riding bikes without helmets & on the sidewalk isn't/shouldn't be acceptable has no business writing a story about cycling for the NYT.

It matters - how long until some high powered Fashonista "discovers" these behaviors are dangerous, and the fashion world adopts our sport as a "cause" to ruin in a PC fury of non-profit trust fund advocacy?

The people who sell this garbage to these folks are laughing all the way to the bank. A fool and his money are soon parted, as they say.

I live in the ever-smug city of Portland, and a local "chic" bike builder recently released a new bike that looks like it's 20 years old, but can be equipped with a Ultegra components for ONLY $3,800. Sorry, but no one who is riding that bike is going to need freakin' Ultegra components. Do you really need ultra-precise shifting to make it 2 miles to the farmers market?

I don't know why it bothers me, but the main thing is that cycling is such a "hot" trend right now, people who would normally not care about it just LOVE to be seen out and about on their hip bike. But throw a hill at them or a little rain and they can't hang.

I'm glad the NYT ran the story -- not just because it's a perfect target for the Snob, but because if you or I saw the sidewalk-riding woman we'd think "what a knucklehead" (or worse). Now that she's told the NYT her name and admitted riding on the sidewalk, MILLIONS of people know she's a knucklehead, including friends or family who might talk some sense into her. Me waving my cane won't do it.

I am glad that all these high priced girlfriends & second wives in New York City are riding bikes. The more of them on bikes, the less of them in Lexus/BMW SUVs running my a$$ over while they dig around the floorboards for their dropped water bottle/iPhone/Shitzuh dog/vibrator.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, orders dinner, and eats. When finished he pulls out his gun, fires it repeatedly and walks out. The barman chases after him and asks "Hey what was that all about?" The panda turns and hands him a dictionary opened to the entry for panda bear and points out "See, Panda... eats shoots and leaves.panda-emic!

I agree with Bike Snob NYC analysis on this one and Greg Lemond. See: http://www.sportsscientists.com/2010/09/contador-tests-positive.htmlfor greater detail into the topic.

Before everyone get's their panties in a bunch about Contador consider this: it’s ABSOLUTELY possible that a 50 ppt (trillion!) blood level could be achieved by eating meat that had been treated with the compound. Some people have 20 times more bisphenol A in their blood as a background level due to environmental exposure than AC tested for in clenbuterol. I can’t imagine that the ridiculously minute amounts of drug in his blood would be pharmaceutically significant. So what's in your urine?

Andy Schleck has been very gracious about the accusations against Contador. Maybe he slipped a little Clen in Berto's paella. We need more conspiracy theories. Lemond cannot do it all by himself. I choose Colonel Lance and Johan in the dining room with the candlestick.

Anon 8:31, while I would suggest that it could still technically be categorised as a circle jerk, a more precise definition would be a "Flip Flop Hug". Now everyone settle down, it's a Pandamonium in here. ce

Stranded may have a point regarding fat cells releasing their contaminants later when they are needed to burn fuel during periods of high demand. However, A.C. looks like a guy with very, very few fat cells. That said, I am cutting him slack- meat and other animal products are loaded with pharmaceutical crap and it is bound to show up if you test for it. I don't eat meat and I shudder to think what I would test positive for.

Clenbuterol has been used for literally decades in the foreign veterinary world, for increasing the lean yield of livestock.And the following link shows that eating meat containing small amounts of injected hormone may constitute a serious liability to an athlete.http://www.clinchem.org/cgi/content/abstract/40/11/2084

Occam's Razor says that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. I'm going with contamination on this one for the following reasons: 1.far too low for any benefit, 2. daily testing before and after show evidence of contamination (sudden appearance and fade out) 3. transfusion is possible but using contaminated blood is non-sensible (defeats the purpose yes?). 4. The super low levels is consistent with contamination.5. scientific evidence shows that contamination does occur by ingestion of tainted meat.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!