Torquay, England - A silly-looking man opens a tabloid newspaper in his
sparsely furnished hotel room. Obtaining the tabloid had proven to be an
ordeal, as the hotel did not have a gift shop and the complimentary copy
in the lobby had to be wrestled from a rat. The man reads an article that
indicates the Royal family will be vacationing soon to get away from the
public eye. His eyes bulge with excitement as he reads that their intended
destination is a little hotel in Torquay...

Downstairs, another tall and awkward man bustles about, preparing for the
Royal Family's visit. Kicking the Spanish porter out of the way, he makes
his way behind the front desk, and faces the silly-looking man who had
been amusing himself by ringing the service bell.

"Yes, hello, I'm right here. How can I help you?"

The reply, in a nasally sort of voice: "My name is Bean. I'd like to
extend my current stay."

"Ah, yes, I'm afraid that is a bit of a problem. You see, some very
important guests are due to arrive any minute now, so all our rooms have
been booked. So sorry, but no extensions. Thank you."

The man looks crestfallen as he turns away, but a mischievous glint in his
eye betrays a devilish ingenuity and stubbornness. Nothing will stop this
meeting with the beloved Royal Family.

As the Hotel manager looks away, he gets a funny sense that shaking this
strange man might prove to be difficult. But with the Royals on their way,
absolutely nothing must go wrong... An ear-splitting scream of "BASIL!"
distracts him. "Coming, Sybil," he says, as he runs off to see what his
wife wants.

So, Dave, will the mischievous man manage to meet the monarchs, or will the
moody manager move the miscreant out of his manor?

Basil Fawlty

vs.

Mr. Bean

The WWWF would like to welcome Dave "1/2" Nelson back into the fold. Dave is
currently living as a god among men in rural Japan, teaching the locals
about bagels, 1980's sitcoms, and, once in a while, English. Dave also came up with this match idea... about 5 years ago. He suggests you check out Ruin The Ending so that you, too, can alienate your family and friends.

The Commentary

DAVE: Even an illiterate Spanish waiter can see that Bean is going to be
disappointed. After all, disappointed customers are Basil Fawlty's
specialty. In fact, Mr. Fawlty has a great deal of difficulty in getting
customers to *stay* at his shoddy hotel. Keeping one out should present no
problem.

There is simply no way that an idiot like Bean can hope to elude Basil long
enough to get a Royal audience. Need proof? Here are some of the things
that Mr. Bean was incapable of doing without bungling and calling great
attention to himself: Eating a sandwich. Sitting through church. Exiting a
parking lot. Bean is no cunning genius, he's a moron.

Furthermore, Basil will not be alone. True, his wife will be of no use to
him, but his loyal employees will do his bidding and search every inch of
Fawlty Towers. Of course, Manuel will probably walk in on a naked Queen Mother,
and Polly will inadvertently push Prince Charles out a window, but in the
end, they will find and forcibly eject Mr. Bean.

HOTBRANCH: If PBS has taught us nothing (and it hasn't), it's that Betty
White is insane and that Basil Fawlty was the world's first successful
brain donor. Lacking a brain does not always equal death. In fact, it
appears to be the prerequisite for running British hotels. I don't see how
dizzy queen Lizzy will be able to avoid Bean. He'll be more than in her
face, odds are good that he'll be ON her face (but that's the matter for
another website).

Fawlty and his "loyal" staff have the attention span of goldfish. As Basil
runs all over his hotel trying to find pet rats, hide dead people, and
generally avoid his wife, his staff follow him in manic Benny Hill fashion.
No sooner will Basil answer a call from the totally emasculated prince
Phillip about some stranger with a snorkel in the queen's tub, that Fawlty
will be prancing about with a silly walk while Manuel and Polly try to find
out how many bodies can be placed in a laundry hamper.

Bean, on the other hand, always ends up a winner. He does what he has to
(no matter how contrived and elaborate) to get the desired result. He is a
master fraud artist, demonstrated when he impersonated a high-falutin'
British museum dude and had his American counterparts fooled. Even when he
was found out, he managed to save the day. Fawlty is overmatched in this
battle, as he not only has to try to keep Bean away from the royals, he has
to keep the royals from discovering just how incompetent an innkeeper he
really is. When you consider how thousands of years of selective inbreeding
have affected the Windsors, you just know that the royals will be wackier
'n a tank full of weasels on crystal meth. Game, set, and match, Bean!

DAVE: As a fellow Canadian, I'm surprised that you give Bean credit for
tricking a bunch of Americans. As if *that* deserves credit, eh? Face it,
Bean's a loser, and like his flatulence-inducing namesake legume, you're
full of hot air. Bean can never hope to elude Basil Fawlty by posing as an
art expert or by any other type of fraud! He almost never speaks! Clearly,
his only chance is to hide. But years of concealing inconvenient corpses
and health-code violation reports have taught Basil every possible hiding
place. And it's not as if Fawlty Towers is as big as Windsor Castle, after
all.

The royal presence will not distract Fawlty from finding Bean, as you
suggest. No, the merry monarchs will contribute to Bean's downfall instead.
You may or may not remember, but Mr. Bean has previously encountered the
Queen. On this occasion, he head-butted her in the royal melon. In Torquay,
when the Windsors catch wind of Bean (heh heh...), they will nervously lock
themselves in their rooms. Mr. Bean will have no choice but to pack up and
leave when some new crisis arises (perhaps Manuel will unwittingly mail
Bean's teddy bear to Northern Ireland.)

It pains me to bring up this next point, it truly does, but you left me no
choice. I am referring, of course, to the RAGE (TM). Now, I know as well as
anyone that the RAGE (TM) these days has become a device for uninspired
commentators with no more arguments. But I submit that Basil Fawlty
embodies the RAGE (TM), in it's purest form. If ever a Grudge Match
combatant has had The RAGE (TM), it's Fawlty. No-one can possibly deny
this; just look at the man: A nagging shrew of a wife. A hot blonde maid. A
bumbling Spanish waiter. Constant screw-ups and chaos. By the way, if you
doubt me, just ask a beaten, cowering Manuel (en espanol) if Fawlty's got
The RAGE (TM). There's simply no way a timid man like Bean can overcome all
that pent-up fury. Fawlty finds and ejects Bean in ten minutes, and goes on
to serve Prince Charles some poisoned kippers. Accidentally, of course.

HOTBRANCH: Dave, you poor, deluded twit... You have about as much
understanding of the RAGE as George Dub-ya has of the term "oval
office". Fawlty is always screaming at the top of his lungs and
overreacting to situations. This is his normal release for his recently
pent-up frustrations, nothing is allowed to simmer and fester to the point
of cataclysmic destructive release. Bean, on the other hand, has been
revisiting his royal audience gaffe over and over again, thinking about how
stupid he was, and how different things would be if he ever got another
chance. Those voices in Bean's head are the festering stew of a man whose
demons are about to boil over in Torquay. (On a side note, I can only hope
that Devin shows
mercy on your soul for so thoroughly misunderstanding and abusing the Rage.)

I will make the final blow as quick and painless as possible. To win the
match, Bean only has to run into the royal family (any collateral damage to
Fawlty is just gravy). If you look at the scenario, the royals are minutes
away from arriving. This means that if Bean is sent packing straight away,
he stands a good chance of meeting them at the front door. I'll assume that
Fawlty considers this possibility and, instead, chooses to place Bean in a
safe place somewhere in the hotel. Fawlty's past history as a python
ensures that the locks will only manage to keep the staff out of a room,
but won't hamper Bean in any way. After a few minutes of tittering over the
royals, Fawlty will forget about Bean, opening the proverbial door for Bean
to get his royal audience. If he stays or goes, Bean makes his dream a
reality and wins, while Fawlty loses yet again. Thanks for playing, Dave.
We have some lovely parting gifts.

Mr. Bean (2252 - 58.5%)

Basil Fawlty (1595 - 41.5%)

Mr Bean seems to reluctantly agree, recognizing that cunning will be
required over pure argument against this stubborn hotel clerk. He
runs off to find the back door, and sneaks in, causing the kitchen
staff to trip ruining the royal families roast dinner. The fact that
the cook has tripped over an intruder will instantly escape everyones
attention as they turn to the spoiled Chicken L'orange.
Bean will then crawl up the stairs with several more close calls,
including being directly behind Fawlty when he FINALLY realizes
exactcly what DID happen in the kitchen and shouts "I want that
annoying lout out of here, someone find him!"

Bean continues to elude everyone until after the royalty arrives,
but then can't get near them. Everytime he starts to get close, one
of the "fine?" staffers sees him and he must hide under the table,
behind the door, and finally plummetts down the laundry chute.
He narrowly escapes being placed in the washing machine, but is
forced to become visible to do so, and is forcibly and permenantly
ejected from the premises.

Fawlty is informed of this and expresses his releif. "Finally...As if
I didn't have enough problems with that royal tart and all her
pipsqueak randy dandy assistants waving their commands in front of
me. At least one problem is solved!"

The queen is of course standing behind him when this happens, and
leaves immediatly taking the whole of her staff with her, and leaving
a terrible recomendation for Fawlty.

Bean will be seen driving away despondantly, never noticing that he
has just splashed a rain puddle on the already irate royal household.

- Nez Master

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Matching up two Englishmen, as commented on by two Canadians, is like
trying to find the answer to "What is the quotient of 0/0?" by giving
the problem to Corky ("Life Goes On") and a monkey.

- Hiroaki

Hmmmm, your name seems strangely Japanese, and we all know what
mavens of comedy they are! --Dave

Mr Bean wins when Basil's poisoned corpse falls of the desert
cart on Elizabeth's foot. The 'waiter' pulls off his disgiuse and
starts jabbering to the royals, and then gives them all the new "High
Sign" he learned in America.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism (Yes, jolly good show old man)

Where's Both Mangled and Killed by a stampede of rampaging English
Soccer Hooligans, all the more insane because they are
suffering from Mad Hooligan Hoof-and-Mouth Syndrome?

- Obscured Underlord

All I can think of is a jar of beans I saw 5 years ago: it was
labelled "Cowboy Bubble Bath." Instructuions: Cook. Eat. Wait 5 hours.
Take a bath.

I laughed 'till I cried.

Now I'm remembering the Dead Parrot Sketch

I laughed till I pissed in my pants.

How dare you try to draw parallels between Inane British Dialogue and
Silly American Gags! It's like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
going up aginst Princess Mononoke.

- Rainwoman

With apologies to Rudyard Kipling's "Gunga Din." Not
many apologies, though.

You can talk of Fawlty's RAGE
Till you've filled up half a page,
You can say he's crazy, rough and gruff and mean,
But it ain't no use for Basil,
All the burning RAGE he has'll
Wind up useless when he's faced with Mr. Bean.
For it's Bean! Bean! Bean!
The most annoying git I've ever seen!
This beloved mass-destroyer
Does more damage than a lawyer,
And no human stands a chance with Mr. Bean.

He makes life a living hell
For that idiot Manuel
When he gets him doused with boiling Listerine.
But when Bean meets up with Polly,
There are fireworks, yes, by golly;
Connie Booth decides she's hot for Mr. Bean.
She wants Bean! Bean! Bean!
And John Cleese becomes so jealous, he turns green!
Connie married, then divorced him;
Now she's even gone and forced him
To stand by while she comes on to Mr. Bean!

After all these nasty shocks,
Basil locks Bean in a box;
Then the Royals come, and Basil greets the Queen...
But the box, alas, is filled with
T-N-T, like folks get killed with,
And a BOOM! proclaims the work of Mr. Bean.
Says the Queen: "Bean! Bean!
Charles is dead, and worse, you've spilled my Ovaltine!
I will hurt you! I will get you!
You won't live unless I let you!"
Bean replies: "Though I've upset you,
Still, your majesty, I've met you."
You're a better man than Fawlty, Mr. Bean!

- Captain Corcoran

It's quite simple, really. Basil Fawlty is merely incompetent. Bean,
on the other hand, takes sheer stpudity and turns it into an art
form.

So, while Basil is running around like a man possessed, trying to
remove Bean, Bean will go along with Basil (he's really to stupid to
do anything else), but will get it so wrong, he'll really
be extending his stay. Honestly. He'll be losing his luggage,
getting lost and ending up in the kitchen or laundry, or God alone
knows what. Basil will be either so frustrated he'll end up braining
Bean with a kitchen ladle or just surrender and let Bean stay, so
long as he doen't cause any trouble.

Whether or not Bean actually manages to stay out of trouble,
of course, is an entirely different matter. But he'll still probably
run into the Royals anyway, who will probably embrace him as one of
their own.

- Rob

While trying to kill a couple of hours between lectures here in
blighty I came across your website and spent some time working through
your history archives.

I can only say that I cannot believe that politicians and governments
are wasting their time kissing babies and looking good in front of the
media while allowing you lot to run loose in the world. Mentally
unstable people like you undoubtedly should be hunted down and thrown
into a maximum-security insane asylum.

However with reference to the current match I was unsure of how to
vote Bean or Fawlty? Both good British comedies better then anything
that passes for comedy in the USA. (Married with Children the
exception)

In the end I voted for Fawlty, Why?
Because both if these characters are insane individuals but Mr Bean is
a nice quiet mental patient. While on the other hand Basil Fawlty is
more similar to you lot, screaming mental lunatics and in the end I am
sure Mr Bean would run in terror as all would and hide in the corner,
I am sure I would.

- Good Old Brit!!

This is a great match, but I don't think either of these guys could
even hurt each other. Need I remind you people what type of guys we
are dealing with here? They're freakin Englismen! They wouldn't (nor
couldn't) hurt a fly! OK, take the puniest, weakest, gayest, most
sorry excuse for an American (ooooohhh....say...Pee-Wee Herman) and
let him have at these two tea-sipping pansies. Not as much as a Pee-
Wee sneeze would knock these two Brits down and squeeling on the
floor for their nanny. Soo, in conclusion, this match is a
stalemate, neither the Fawlty tower guy nor Bean can muster enough
strength out of their weak British muscles to throw a single punch.
Rather, they go to a quant little cafe by the river thames and have a
nice afternoon tea.

- just call me Bowman

Gaah, British humor. I never understand it. I'll be watching some
sort of sketch, and suddenly it changes to a cartoon, then back for 5
seconds, then the BBC7 logo, then commercials.

Now, for those of you Yankee-haters (not the baseball team, the
ethnicity), I mean no harm towards Fawlty Towers or Mr. Bean.
It's just that it lacks any coherent sense.

Stepping off my soapbox, I'll give the victory to Bean, because he
looks goofier. That is truly American

- Captain Insano

Bean reaches into his pockets and pulls out a round piece of gum, as
he always tends to have in his pockets. He chews it for a second
before making a face and saying in his strange tone, "Sour." He
decides to put the gum into the bellhop bell, making it impossible
for it to ding. Fawlty comes downstairs, and after making sure
everything is straightened up, tries the bell. He becomes frantic
that it does not ding, and calls the busboy in, whereupon he smacks
him, as he has found some reason that this is his fault. Bean is
chuckling from a corner. More mischief occurs as he manages to break
some dishes in the kitchen, and sneezes on someone's food, for which
the busboy again gets blamed and smacked around. Half an hour before
the royal family is due to arrive, the busboy goes postal, and
brutally kills Fawlty by beating him with a bottle of wine that
refuses to open. With the final blow, he tries the bottle and the
cork comes out instantly, and he then pours the wine for a customer
while the canned laughter plays. He is then arrested, and due to the
goings on, Bean has to stay behind a yellow police tape strip as the
royal family looks upon the hotel scene. Bean makes his pouty face
and the canned "Aww" starts to play. Mr. Bean's theme music plays
and the credits roll.

- Pareeha, lover of British comedy, and all that rot. Pip pip!

This will be an extremly close match...but i see this one going to
Basil...and here's why

actor factor- Basil: John Cleese...nough said. This man made Faulty
Towers the funny show it is...
Mr.Bean- Rowan Atkinson- uh... The Mr.Bean TV show sucked...the
movie really sucked... and just about everything Rowan did (with the
exception of Black Adder) sucked.

here's how the fight will go: Mr.Bean will taunt Basil
mostly... calling him a "silly person" and "a looney" but Basil will
then turn into his alter ego... Dennis Moore. that's right
folks... He robs from the poor and gives to the rich... Dennis Moore!
Dennis Moore! Dennis Moore! (sorry. got carried away there)
the following dialouge will then be said

Come on! This is not even a contest. Mr. Bean against Basil
Fawlty? It's like putting a Chihuahua against a Rottweiler. I'm
American, and even I've heard of Basil Fawlty and Fawlty Towers. Mr.
Bean, on the other hand... no. Look, all Basil has to do is call up
O'Reilly's construction service and ask them to build a door around
Mr. Bean. They'll screw up, build a wall, and that'll be the end of
Mr. Bean. And if it doesn't work, Basil can go over there and insert
a large garden gnome in Mr. Bean. Or call on the rest of Monty
Python. Terry Gilliam will draw Basil as some fierce monster who
will bite Bean's head off. And that's the game!

- Kara

I have to go with Basil here, Basil Fawlty is John Cleese's
finest work - a product of a mastercomedian at the apogee of his
talent and career. If you doubt this, consider that he did this
rather than the fourth and largely unrepeated series of Python. They
were also sensible enough to do only 13 episodes of Fawlty Towers and
quit while they were ahead, rather than drag that same format out for
ever - like anyothershowyoucaretomention(TM).

For Rowan Atkinson Mr Bean is a second rate character, a sad
little git for between series of Blackadder. The guy is a born loser,
yes he sometimes gets his way, but he has trouble outsmarting
inanimate objects. He would be unable to stand up to Basil whose
response to trouble is to hit it, granted this doesn't normally work,
but it would on Bean, who is after all a wuss. Basil is no genius but
he is not a wuss, this guy doesn't let trivial things like concussion
slow him down.

Mr Bean is a pathetic loner, Basil has backup, lets look at
it:

Manuel: A moron. Cannon fodder only, might not even be able to
understand "Climb out of the trenches and walk slowly towards the
enemy". Is it coincidence the Spanish stayed neutral in Two World
Wars? Tough enough to survive everything Basil throws at him though.

Mrs Fawlty: Ever seen her making toast? A Royal Visit is that pile's
one hope of redemption, nothing will stand in her way. If necessary
she will kill both of them and entomb them beneath that pile of
bricks Mr O'Reilly will be turning into a wall someyear soon.

Polly: The only competent person in the place. Who actually keeps the
place running? Polly. Who is the only one to have a three figure IQ?
Polly. Who is fluent in at least three forms of communication? Polly.
Polly lives for the day she will sell some art, with a prestigious
art lover coming, who could make her career if she buys something, is
anything going to stand in her way? Niet.

Bean is on toast.

- Wilphe

Mr. Bean has a power that Basil doesn't. It is a power that has
toppled civilizations, and has destroyed worlds. Only one power has
this kind of strength:

THE POWER OF THE MIME!!!

The Bean may be a complete idiot, but in his years of exploits, HE
MIMED THE ENTIRE THING!!!

When I was 5, I was merely walking around my neighborhood, when
suddenly, a feeling of dread came over me. It was as if the sun were
suddenly blotted out, and I turned slowly and stared into the face of
horror. I froze in terror, and, suddenly, the horror froze as well! I
tried to turn and run, BUT IT FOLLOWED ME!!! Try as I might, I
couldn't escape the absolute and total grasp of hear that mimiced my
every step! OH GOD!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOOOOPPPPP!!!

Bean mimes a wall in front of Basil, who is beset with shame, sadness,
and depression. The former Python man cries as he pulls out his gun,
sings the last few bars of the Lumberjack Song, then ends his own
life. Bean meets up with the royal family, who have him promtly
executed.

And there was much rejoycing.
(Yaaaaaaaaay.)

- The Mad Josher

Please remember, Basil is more often than not prone to bouts of rage
when frustrated and would most likely give poor Mr. Bean "a good
thrashing!" with a nearby umbrella stand. Then he would probably
perform a 15 minute Goose-stepping dance around the prostrate and
lifeless body of our mangled but innocent Mr. Bean. Once Mr. Bean is
located, 35 seconds tops(this is about as long as I can watch Mr. Bean
before getting frustr

- Starrschlepp

It's quite simple really, and very similar to the John Mclaine/Death
Star confrontation in that simple logic will reveal the winner.

Basil: Continaully at the butt-end of embarassing situations.
Bean: Continually the cause of embarassing situations.

Since, of course, there could be nothing more embarassing for Basil
than to have Mr. Bean wreck havok with the royals, it is all but
assured that this is exactly what WILL happen. Inevitably, it will
be Basil's own attempt at resolving the problem that will lead to the
meeting.

Toss in some slapstick, and jokes that only the toothless and the
dateless (the british and the computer geeks being the only ones in
the world to find british humor funny) would laugh at and call the
show a wrap....with plenty of time left over for PBS to do another
round of fundraising.

- G. Bob

In normal circumstances, Bean would have this match hands down. Yes,
Bean is a moron, but for some reason things work out for him. Heck,
this is the man who put a baby carriage 50 feet in the air and
managed to get the baby down safely. Plus, he's likable. Basil,
although much funnier, is a jerk! And jerks never win! However,
Bean has not ONLY met the queen, he, as Dave put it, "head-butted her
in the royal melon." No even remotely competent bodyguard would let
Bean anywhere near the royal family, so even if he managed to see the
family he couldn't get anywhere close enough to meet them without
getting a royal beatdown! Basil doesn't even have to do ANYTHING to
win this contest!

- TMockingbird

As much as I'd like to think that BF would kick the BS out of Bean
it's just not gonna happen. Let's face it, all Basil ever tried to
do was escape Cybil's wrath but no matter how he tried to cover his
tracks he always got caught. Obviously Bean's no Cybil (and if it
was those two fighting she'd kick him no question) but he still has
this uncanny way of being clueless but winning. He should have been
imrpisoned or killed years ago but even without a cunning plan he's
managed to stay ahead of the game. Not stylish but effective in an
ineffectual sort of way. I would like to see Bean vs. Baldrick in an
arm wrestling competition but in Basil v Bean the man of few words
would win it without even realising.

- Mo Regan

It is a little known fact that Mr. Bean is in fact one of the many
decendents of Edmund Blackadder(TM) (can't you see the family
resembalance...) This will allow him to draw upon generations of wit
and "cunning plans" which will enable him to easily ellude hotel
management for as long as neccessary.

- Alec Winters, nerd with obsessive knownledge of irrelevent details

It has to be Basil. Bean and Fawlty are both loons, so they cancel
each other out. Sybil and Manuel are loose cannons, but are equally
adept at screwing up either Basil's schemes or the wishes of their
guests (in this case, Bean).

That leaves Polly as the deciding factor. The girl has a good head
on her shoulders, with the only apparent defect being that she still
loyally follows Fawlty's schemes and hasn't left for a better job yet.
So while the afformentioned contestants are tripping all over the
place, Polly will be the only level-headed kid left above the fray.
Since she will be carrying out Fawlty's orders, she will somehow find
a way to get Bean bounced out (probably right into the Queen Mum's
entourage, but that's another matter).

Besides, Polly's a babe. Even the power of the
RageTM is nothing against the power of the
BabeTM.

--R.J.

This is probably the toughest match I have ever commented on because
the opponents are so evenly matched.

Comic Ability: Both Mr. Bean and Basil Fawlty are played by men who
were considered at the top of the British TV comedy world in their
respective times (John Cleese was on "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
in the late 1960's-early 1970's, Rowan Atkinson was in
the "Blackadder" comedies of the 1990's) Yet, both are here as
characters from their lesser quality shows. In terms of comic power,
I would say that each is about equal.

Luck: Both Basil and Bean are about equally unlucky. Basil has about
as much trouble running the hotel as Bean has just getting through
life. No one has an edge here.

Allies: In addition to the largely ineffective hotel staff, Basil can
call on the services of the rest of Monty Python (since this is the
Grudge Match, we can even revive Graham Chapman if we like). On the
other hand, Bean can list folks from the "Blackadder" universe as
allies (Baldrick, Melchett, Percy, Queen Elizabeth I, Nursey, George
IV, Lord/Captain Flashheart, etc.). While some of these allies
appear to be quite powerful, most of them are stark raving mad and
are played by folks who are respectable talents, but not truly at the
top. In this area, Basil has a considerable lead.

Episodes: "Fawlty Towers" only had twelve episodes with a several
year gap between the first and second six. "Mr. Bean" had at least
15 episodes. Therefore, Bean has slightly more experience and
staying power. Advantage: Bean.

How the match will go: This is a match that will be decided quickly,
in a half-hour at most, and the Royal Family is the key factor. If
all Basil had to keep track of was Mr. Bean, Bean would be tossed out
quickly. However, Basil will be distracted by the coming of the
Royals themselves. He will devote most of his efforts to making sure
that Manuel stays out of their way, hiding all the code violations,
coping with his wife's nagging, etc. This will leave precious little
in terms of resources for Bean patrol. With Basil distracted and the
maid trying, unsuccessfully, to maintain some semblance of order,
even a klutz like Bean should be able to meet the Royals. Bean will
most likely get caught before he can escape, but the damage will be
done. The whole episode will end before each side's allies can make
it to the hotel.

But, both sides can be proud of their performance. This was truly a
tough match.

- The Demented Astronomer

A no contest really. Bean's got the edge for multiple reasons and
what does Basil have anyway?
Sure you can say that Basil's on his home turf. He appears to have
the rage. Basil looks like he's smarter and he's definately the
better physical competitor.
This is no match for Bean.
Bean has already met the queen, thus he's already accomplished this
particular mission before. Not only that but he took her out with a
single headbutt in front of dozens of witnesses.
Bean's definately got beans of steel hanging between his legs.
Bean has The Rage (TM) no other competitor has ever even considered
harming a hair on their favorite teddy's brow. But Bean almost cut
teddy's brow right off!
In past episodes of Mr. Bean (note that "Mr." denoutes a powerful
mascualine essence not unlike Mr. T) he's displayed predatory
cunning, a willingness to do whatever it took and a particularly
psychotic look in his eye. And psychotics have very high coolness
factor.
Bean's had previous experience trying to esacpe notice while he was
locked naked outside his room. He burrowed under carpets, covered his
manhood with clever signposts and made his way all the way to the
lobby without being noticed by anyone!!! This being TV if Bean goes
naked while trying to find the Queen, no one could stop the man, they
couldn't show the nudity. Especial Bean's nudity, no insulting the
man but would you want to see *him* nake on TV?
Therefore nudity = invisibility, which rules in favor of Bean.

Basil Fawlty doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hell of winning
this thing. This match does make history, though, insofar as this has
got to be the one time in history when The RAGE actually works
against one of the competitors.

Mr. Bean lets the rage of others wash over him the way the English
Soccer Hooligans washed over the French. His specialty is doing
exactly what people are trying to force him not to do, while Basil
Fawlty's specialty is failing in everything he can do. Not even The
RAGE is going to help Basil here.

This is all going to end with Basil trying to ignore the guy at the
pub who keeps nudge-nudging him in the ribs while he tries to drown
his sorrows, and Mr. Bean's bear getting the knighthood that would
have gone to Basil if he had managed to eject this most unwelcome of
guests.

- Bowie Hawkins

Come on! Bean has gotten himself into and out of tighter squeezes
than this before. Literally. He's had his head stuck inside a turkey
on not one, but TWO occasions! He can and does always manage to win
out against whatever difficulties are stacked against him. Plus, he's
already met the Queen; after head butting the Queen Mum, I'm sure that
he and the Royal family are real tight. Much as I like and respect
Mr. Cleese's work, he can't compete with the Bean here.

- Adam B.

Well, I don't know much about either contestant, but I think that the
name factor will come into play.

"Bean" will give it the gas, and prove that Basil doesn't have what
it takes to cut the cheese. (er, mustard). Bean will break the wind
(oops, I mean record) on lopsided victories with this one. For Basil
is far from being silent but deadly, he will really just stink up the
place. Bean will pull my finger (pardon me - "pull from behind") to
win this one. We won't need to light a match to see that Bean is the
winner.

- Cabbage Boy

Responding merely to be the only person to NOT incorporate Monty
Python or Blackadder quotes

--John Hunter

Basil is a sure thing here. His alter-ego was chosen to replace the
all-powerful Q (r.i.p) and the best that Rowan Atkinson could do was
the voice of that annoying bird in "The Lion King." Basil captures
Bean in a convenient inflating ski jacket and the Royals enjoy their
stay.

- Bjmmn

Bean desperately searches for a place to hide, when his assistant come
to his rescue...

"Sir, I have a cunning plan."
Bean: "As cunning as a fox with a degree in cunning from Oxford
University?"
Baldrick: "Well, no..."
Atkinson: "That's all right, Baldrick. I have a more cunning plan. The
Royal Family may say 'no' to lowly Mr Bean, but they can't say 'no'
to... Sir Edmund de Blackadder!"

Bean dons his humerous codpiece and deformed haircut, and goes on to
not only meet the Royal Family as their long-lost ancestor, but he
horribly mutilates Basil Faulty in a cunning trap at the same time.

- Le Messor

Ok, I wasn't going to bother you with my 2 cents until I saw the
current results for this match and noticed how throughly Basil was
being beaten. so here it is, my 2 cents:

Bean is an idiot. It doesn't matter if he's fighting Basil or Big
Bird, he is destined for failure. Heck, in a match between Bean and a
pound of butter, I vote for the butter!

(of corse, i'd only have the guts to say this anonymously because
saying Mr.Bean sucks around where I live is like going to Quebec and
screaming smoking causes cancer.)

- Me

Yeah, right, like there's only ONE little hotel in Torquay, England!
My bet is the Royals head off to the nearby Ramada (or the British
equivalent) leaving both Basil and Bean in the lurch.

- Mr. Potato Head (I never really cared for British comedy...)

We have here two incompetants who can never get anything done right.
I think this match would be similar to the uncontroled combination of
matter and antimatter (or the perhaps the Spock vs Data match). After
the dust settles, the entire area is a raidoactive wasteland for miles
in every direction. However, the hotel is miraculously still
standing. That is until Basil calls in Mr O'Riely to do the repair
work, at which point everything falls apart.

- Topcat

Que?(tm)

The way I see it, Basil Fawlty is on the brink of successfully
removing Bean from the premises, when things turn a bit pear-shaped,
as Constable Goody, along with Habib and the rest of Rowan's pals
from The Thin Blue Line come through the door. It seems there
have been complaints from the Health Department, and sure enough, a
pile of dead bodies is found strapped to the roof of the lobby with
Duct Tape(tm). Not even The Rage(tm) or The Babe Factor(tm) of
Basil's maid can save him from doing the half-cocked knee jerk on
every alternate step all the way to the precinct. In the end, Bean
inadvertantly drop kicks the queen for a game-saving touchdown.

This is also the first time I can remember when Duct Tape(tm) has
failed to save the day... *gasp*

First of all, I would like to say the Mr. Bean is AWESOME!!! As
anyone who has seen his show-or movie-can tell, he can do absolutely
anything he wants. He may look like an idiot and wreak havoc on
entire cities in the process, but the fact is there is no reason why
he wouldn't be able to meet the Royals. He all ready has once, and
not only does he meet the Queen he also managages to knock her out.
Typical Bean. So I ask you, why wouldn't the most coniving, if not
moronoc person, ever to exist not be able to meet the Royals when all
he has to do the stay at a hotel he is all ready at? I'd say, the
only person that could ever take Bean down is God.

- Hilly

Bean..vs...a man who seems to suffer from insomnia and or
schizophrenia.Well lets just make this a simple Point:Counter-Point
Battle(tm) shall we?Point:The crazy looking guy..Is probably
crazyCounter-Point:Bean is a moron, thus insanity will have no
effect upon himPoint to:BeanPoint:Bean made a movie a few
years ago.Counter-Point:Did anyone watch it?Point to:Fawlty
(from now on will be know as "other")Point:Bean's movie was a flop,
thus causing him to cry and do other such girly man activities, of
course this will ruin his social life..giving him the power of The
Rage(tm).Counter-Point:Bean is a complete and total impotent,
illiterate, igornat, incompotent, imbecile...thus he will not have
the ability to harness The Rage(tm) to his advantage causing a
partial lobotomy for the both of them.Point to:DrawWell tough
luck there..it's a draw 2 to 2..so lets do us all a favor and rid the
world of them both.The makers of Chicken Run(tm)just happen to be
bragging to the royal family of their succes, while doing so they
just happen to see the battle.Using the Power of the Cock(Roster..)
they have, Bean, and Other pecked into a bloody pulp.Thank you, have
a nice day.

- Special Edd

It seems that if the karma of the past lives/characters of Bean or
Fawlty may play a hand in this scenario, then Bean surely has the advantage
in the Blackadder-Factor.

Even if it's nothing more than an unconcious
buzz in the back of his 'bean'; centuries of cultured deviousness, honed to
an hysterically lethal art form, will leave Mr. Fawlty doing silly walks
while he frantically searches for a place to hide the Queen Mum's body.

- psychopomp

You do realize that you are having a match where it is BASIL FAWLTY's
job to get someone OUT of his hotel? Might I remind everyone of the
Lord Maybury episode, and the effectiveness with which Basil was able
to remove another annoyance from his hotel? Mr. Bean can expect a pie
to the face, a pie to the crotch, and his briefcase filled with milk
and shaken on his way out of the hotel.

- Vonce

Mr Bean... Basil of Fawlty Towers.... Sorry but strange and funny as
these opposing teams are, niether is a match for the utter
bizarreness of the British Royal Family much less the stoic British
Guards and tabliod photographers who surround them.

What will likely happen is that the Royal Family will have yet
another argument over who should be next heir to the throne, if there
really is a Duke of Earl or whether the Duchess of York should
continue her career as the founder of Weight Watchers. And they'll
all split up for their vacation.

Or perhaps it will be raining at Fawlty Towers on the day which the
Royal Family is supposed to arrive and they'll all decide to go
somewhere sunny. Or maybe the Royal Helicopter will be sabotaged by
one of those people that thinks that Princess Dianes death was a
conspiracy plotted by the Royal Family. Maybe some international
crisis - or a really good soccer game - will come up and the visit
will have to be rescheduled around that.

Whatever happens though, the tabloids are the only definate winners.

- ~DoraMouse

Zazu the bird from "The Lion King" and Ape from "George of the
Jungle" will eventually meet up in the Animal Kingdom. John Cleese
has a very hard time not acting like John Cleese in whatever he does,
so he'll mix up his roles and offer the bird a wafer-thin mint. Or,
as he would put it, a "wah-fehr theehn meenht." Zazu will realize
this makes him explode and point this out with Blackadder-y wordplay
and sarcasm, putting the two at a standstill. Ape will then try a
Russian accent out, not only confusing himself for a barrister but a
squat bird for Jamie Lee Curtis. Zabu will then sit and wait to be
rescued by a roided-up Charlie Sheen. Ape will then smack Zabu around
like Katherine the Shrew (he's done theater work, too), and Zabu will
act all nervous and mispronouce spirit as spigot. This goes on until
one of them actually remembers which character they're supposed to
be, or until Disney invariably casts soundalikes for the daily
cartoon show of both movies.

- Wubbie

WHAT?!?!?! Fawlty's losing to that Crack-Hopped
RetardTM Bean? Have any of you goons ever even
seen his show? Rarely does he ever utter an intelligible
word! And the way his eyes pop out? That just screams "Wow! That
cocktail had more drugs in it than I ever even knew existed!!!
"
I'm gonna make a prediction here: Any and all responses favoring Mr.
Bean (in a similar fasion to those for Bart in Bart v. Calvin) will
consist mainly of single-syllable words, or unintelligible grunts
transcribed into written form. Essentially, Bean's fans could easily
be small arboreal primates and no one would know the difference. On
the other hand, the Pro-Fawlty commentary would easily have been
written by college professors or other highly intelligent
extraterrestrial beings (much like Calvin's responses in Bart v.
Calvin) Looking at it that way, who has truly won this match?

- Zog, the Secret Voice of the Monkey Underground

Grrrrrrrr

I have the misfortune of bearing a physical resembelence to Bean.
(TM). The stupid Freshmen at the local hick High School never shut up
about it, thus I summon up all of my weird karamtic pyschic energy
crap to will Bean to defeat. I will start concentrating now. Hope it
works.

Bean is going down!

- Captain Demento, Weird Living off the Government and his hottie social
worker Julie

I'm amazed to see (note the implied sarcasm) that once again the
commentary has missed a crucial element in this battle. This time,
it is none other than Manuel, the lovable, bumbling, possibly
mentally ill Spanish waiter, bellhop, and all-around scapegoat.

BASIL: I'm sorry, sir, but I must insist that you remove yourself
from our refrigerator.
BEAN: (looking innocent) Oh, I seem to be stuck.
(Basil rolls eyes, takes swig of cooking sherry)
BASIL: Right, well, we'll soon have you out of there. Manuel!
(Manuel enters, dressed in his best-looking tux)
MANUEL: Si?
BASIL: (speaking carefully) Manuel, find the cooking oil. Put it on
this man, get him out of there, and throw him out of the hotel.
(Manuel frowns, laughs, then nods enthusiastically. Basil leaves to
make unknown arrangements for the Queen)

And so, Basil comes out on top, and yet at the same time at the
bottom again. However, I speak for all of us when I say
this: "Slippery Bean" would be a great name for a rock band.

- Zaphod Beeblebrox (who else?)

Arg.. although I hate to go against Hotbranch!'s word... I hate Mr.
Bean. With a passion. On the other hand, I find Faulty Towers quite
amusing. Manuel or Polly will find a way to get rid of Bean, if Basil
doesn't just accidentally knock him out a window or serve him rancid
meat at dinner.

- Virdilak, Nearly Always Loyal Follower of Hotbranch!

It will be a short match. Bean will be sitting in the dining room,
someone will ask his name, and he will whisper "Bean." Unfortunately
Manuel will hear him, think that it was an insulting, anti-Hispanic
reference--and stab Bean in the head with a corkscrew.

Bean will
stagger out into the lobby and drop to the floor dead, right in front
of the counter, just as the Major is passing by: "Corpse on the floor,
Fawlty? Another one?"

Of course, this just leaves the remaining 28
minutes of the episode for Fawlty to dispose of the corpse before the
Royals arrive. What fun! Soon they're all at the hotel: here's the
Queen herself, waving in the usual lightbulb-replacing fashion,
totally oblivious. Basil will finally try to hide Bean's corpse in one
of the royal limosines, but will, of course, be caught--along with
pamphlets incriminating Basil as an IRA terrorist. In the final scene
Fawlty will be dragged off by a squad of burly SAS troops for
interrogation. As least it's more fun than another evening with Sybil.

- Deacon

As the fight ensues in the hotel lobby, furniture tips over, things break, and items fall off the wall. Items like the moose head--which lands on Basil Fawlty's head. That startles Mr. Bean, who runs to the kitchen to hide. Of course the kitchen is a mess, as it always is. Mr. Bean slips on some potato peels and ends up with his head caught in tonight's entree: a turkey.

The competition continues with the hilarious combination of competitors trying to free their noggins from animal carcasses while trying to battle for control of the boarding situation. Ladies and gentlemen, this IS what British television was made to produce.

However, the match is still at hand. Which combatant's headgear gives the greater advantage?

Doesn't matter.

Upon walking into a disheveled hotel lobby being further mutilated by a moose-headed innkeeper and a turkey-headed guest, her royal highness the queen stands agape, announcing, "We shant stay here!"

With the royal entourage leaving, the hotel has plenty of vacant rooms. Basil Fawlty allows Mr. Bean to stay in one.

Mr. Bean wins.

- Mark Wentz

Question: What happens when two losers, at once likable and pitiful, end up in competition with each other?

The tempting answer is that the universe will refuse to allow the paradox, and retroactively wipe itself out of existence. I am not as optimistic as this.

The correct answer is that both will lose, if not in the direct confrontation, then in the overall scheme of things. But who will lose first, and who will see his fleeting victory smashed before his horrified eyes? Bean being the more purely pathetic character, he will be the big loser.

Fawlty will enlist Manuel and a reluctant Polly in a ridiculous scheme to drive Bean from the hotel, enduring Sybil's shrill demands that he leave Bean alone with his usual alternate cringing and sniping. After numerous pratfalls and humiliations, Basil's winning move will be to have Polly hide in Bean's closet and imitate a radio news report that Her Majesty has altered her itinerary southward to Brixham. Bean will scamper out of the hotel so fast, he will trip in the lobby over Manuel, who's flat on his back after the latest round of abuse from Basil.

Moments later, Basil comes downstairs, thinks he sees Sybil with her back to him, and rounds into a gloating, near-hysterical rant about how he knows best, and how she should keep her stuck-up nose out of how he runs his hotel. The woman turns around--and if you can't write the conclusion from here, you need to catch a few episodes of "Fawlty Towers", because I really feel sorry for you.

- Call me Shane

I supported Mr. Bean, but I admit I was biased. My motivation is that his actor is set to also play the bad-guy, Mondavarious, in the upcoming "Scooby-Doo" film. You see, the word on the grapevine is that if WWWF gives this one to Rowan Atkinson, he will return the favor by having his villain take a juicer to Scrappy-Doo and reduce the annoying runt to his component biles within the movie's first fifteen minutes. I realize that this deal is probably just a rumor (with all due respect to Mark Twain, there are lies, there are damned lies, and then there's Usenet), but even the possibility is enough to win my vote.

- Matt Bricker

I would have to go with Bean on this one. Even in the most impossible situations, like the parking garage incident, Bean comes through. When his girlfriend was dancing with someone else, he turned the power off, thereby getting the last laugh. Even if he is kicked out of the hotel he will find some way to get back at them just before he gets ejected. But he won't. Bean opens up his window and finds that most of the bricks around his window are loose. He begins to take them out... Basil, meanwhile, will be too busy beating up the spanish porter and setting rat traps to realize that Bean is erecting a wall in his room to separate it into TWO rooms. In this way he makes room for the monarchs. Bean's genius prevails.

Another situation. . . Bean has just been kicked out of Fawlty Towers. Just then the royal limosines pull up, and out steps a guard with a big fluffy black hat. Bean gets an idea... He waits outside until all the monarchs have gone inside. He watches the guard through a window, until he sees him head for the washroom. Bean sneaks through the hotel and enters the washroom. We hear some scuffling noises, and a few seconds later Mr Bean exits wearing a big fluffy black hat and a red suit. (Imagine a laugh track noise right now. The "audience" is cracking up.) Bean poses as the guard for a long time until he is found out, or the guard in the washroom comes to. Picture this: Bean is sitting, drinking tea with the Queen (or wouldn't he be standing outside, motionless like he is supposed to be?) when the real guard walks up. You can imagine the rest.

- BEANMAN

Are we forgetting something here? Bean is an accident prone man who speaks very little English, sound familiar?. All the practice with Manuel means Basil knows how to deal with imbeciles like Bean, you hit them over the head with a frying pan, smash their faces against walls, generally make their lives a living hell. Bean has no chance!

- Sax

Come on, it's got to be Basil. Bear in mind that the British Royal family are descended from Germans (don't mention the war...)

- sandie

Mr. Bean has his work cut out for him. The bizarre hotel management and staff are a mighty meme indeed. The Grudge Match uncertainty principle insures that many such hotels will be pulled from the wrinkly rectum of space-time to participate in the match. So Bean fends off the incompetent Spanish waiter only to find himself face-to-face with Larry and the Darryls. Escaping those, he tries to sneak in the Hotel entrance on the end of Lonely Street, but Elvis is dead on the crapper and won't answer the bell. Looking for someone to get him an extra room key, he finds Michelle of ze Resistance, who berates him only once. He wish she berated him many times, since Norman Bates is waiting for his chance. About this time he will crack, but no matter how much he stabs it with his steely knife, he just can't kill the Beast. Shortly after this he ends up in the Hanoi Hilton. The free world is blackmailed by the Vietnamese who threaten to let him go if they aren't paid. However, Bean still "wins." "Why?" you ask.

It's simple, really. By the Grudge Match bylaws, both contestants bring in all of their past characters and allies for the fight. For Bean, this means Blackadder and his miserable peon. Not much of a help, but a patented Blackadder cunning plan might be barely enough to spring Bean fron Hanoi. For Fawlty, this means many things, but only two are important. 1. The return of Monty Python group will mean that the hotel will be covered three miles deep in nerds and geeks in less than two hours, preventing the Royals from getting near the place. 2. In at least two movies I can think of, Cleese's character ended up schtupping Jamie Lee Curtis. [rwowrl] With that as a distraction, I wouldn't be able to tie my own shoelaces, let alone win a Grudge Match. I doubt Fawlty is sufficiently testorterone-free to have a chance either. So Falwty "loses." I wish I could lose like that.

- martinl

As stated, this is a battle between morons. Mr. Bean's inteligence will be taxed to the limit simply attempting to unlock the door to his room. (Right-ee tight-ee left-ee loose-ee?) He will require mouth-to-mouth resucitation after nearly drowning from drinking a glass of water. He wil experiment with wearing different metallic objects in order to transform himself into the optimum antenna for the "telly". Basil Fawlty, on the other hand, will warp his 2-volt noggin in subverting the lives of the hapless guests of Fawlty Towers. FAWLTY TOWERS? FATTY OWLS? FULL O'WATER? FART OIL? What will the marquee say this week? Guests with a modicum of intelligence are reliably dependable in their behavior, thus can be easily moderated and coralled into the desired act and situation. Stupidity defies moderation. Stupidity requires strategery to compel compliance. Strategery requires cerebritude. A trait Basil Fawlty lacks. Therefore, Basil Fawlty's deviousnes will self-destruct, with no intervention on Mr. Bean's part at all. Flawless victory for Mr. Bean.

- Bean is Boss

THE FINAL WORD...

With all those British people in one area at once, the real winner is
the orthodontist.