Friday, 21 June 2013

Penny Arcade Report

The Penny Arcade Report was supposed to be a safe haven from the prostitution of modern video games journalism. A place for legitimate news and discussion about topics that actually matter to the medium. Instead, we got a sloppy paid endorsement for the Playstation 4 controller. In that article, Ben Kuchera actually compares the act of touching a plastic toy with the conception of his own child.

"Yesterday I felt my next child move for the first time. I felt her tiny feet kick through my wife's belly, my hand finally being given its first tactile evidence that my child is alive and healthy. That experience was several steps higher than feeling the PlayStation 4 controller for the first time but, damnit, they were closer than I'm comfortable admitting."

But for me, the highlight is when he goes on a really creepy tangent about touching underage girls, as a metaphor for touching a video game controller:

"It felt like the first time I touched a girl’s breast in the backseat of a car with fogged up windows, scared that her parents were going to fling the door open and start yelling at me. I wanted to grab the controller and run. I wanted to nuzzle it against my face and ask it who is a good controller? Who is a good controller?

You’re a good controller, you sexy thing, you."

"No kissing on the mouth".

This was the best Penny Arcade could do? Ben Kuchera, you make Geoff Keighley look like he has self-respect.