Oh – haven’t Y’all heard? These three B-I-G names will be chauffeuring a very select clientele around the hallowed grounds of the Speedway this May. Yeah, that’s correct, for an ultra LOW-LOW price; NOT! Y’all can ride around the track in the back seat of ‘Juan of Synden Racing’s famous Two-seaters for a ride with each of these three drivers, along with having breakfast – you’ll probably wanna skip the Bloody Mary’s ‘til afterwards, eh? Plus spending the day being Schmoozed by this trio of Indianapolis champions...

Yet, apparently this upset some ‘Ol Codger by the handle ‘Super Tex, nee A.J. Foyt – who apparently wasn’t amused at all to N-O-T be considered for this rare privilege... Having claimed himself to be the Greatest Indy 500 driver of ALL!

Thus, in typical AJ “I’ll Whip-your-ASS!” Foyt fashion, AJ’s decided to come outta retirement ‘Just-in-Time for this year’s Centennial Indy 500, as reputedly Foyt has gone on a diet to loose 40lbs – in order to squeeze back into his ‘Ol Copenhagen Driver’s Uni... Having hired NO less than Trainer-to-the-Starz Jack LaLanne...

As apparently Foyt’s gone on an all-potato diet, having to emptied the Gumball dispensers and numerous M ‘N M candy dishes adorning the hallways of Foyt Manor in Armadillo, Texas.

A.J. Foyt:

“The hardest part of dieting was having to give up my chicken-fried steaks...”

Although scuttlebutt sez AJ’s been grumblin’ mightily ‘bout NOT even knowin’ how to speel the word DIET, whilst every time that Mr. LaLanne catches Foyt sneakin’ off to the Fridge for a spoonful ‘O Hagen Daaz – he’s gotta give Jack 10 push-ups... C’mon Foyt! I can whip your ass in push-ups any day; and HELL! I’m NOT even making Yuhs do ‘em one handed!

Thus, look for A.J. to run a special 100th Anniversary livery No. 14 all black Dallara-Honda devoid of any decals, as AJ’s yielded to Randy “The CandyMann” Bernard’s wishes of NOT runnin’ N-O Smokey-Smoke signage. Hey, although I useda enjoy a ‘lil pinch between the cheek ‘N gums back in my BULL ridin’ Dazes, we’re a Family orientated Show nowadays the new INDYCAR CEO was heard recently telling ‘Ol Robin Miller...

A.J. Foyt:

“We were gonna run a black ‘N gold liveried race car that woulda looked reel purdy – but were advised we might get in trouble with some GAWD DAMN Formula One team that’s tryin’ to run JPS colours this season...”

“And you can tell ‘Dat Spanish-Franco Denny Buh Hurr to go stick his black ‘N gold up his BLEEPITY-BLEEP! As I’ll put his ASS into the swamp by my Hornetz nest if he’s MANN ‘nuff to come rounds here... I mean what type ‘O Pantywaist spells his first name with an I anyways!”

With A.J. taking back over his regular No. 14 mount, the team’s designated “lead” driver Vitor Meira will now chauffer the No. 41 ABC Supplies Dallara/Honda; Foyt’s second Indy 500 entry, while possibly ‘Ol Super Tex will roll out a third IndyCar chassis; his No. 48 for Darren “DangerMouse” Manning – provided “He AIN’T TOO NACKERED form playin’ Golf” quipped Foyt... Before tellin’ Kurt Cavin of IndyStar fame; HELL! It AIN’T like we DON’T haveda bunch of old Dallara’s lying ‘round the shop – and they’re ALL gonna be obsolete after this month... So we might as well as give Darren another shot...

When pressed by Cavin about not being able to fit into a modern day racecar – or possibly come up-to-speed; Foyt quipped – Whale, it just sez Foyt below the mirrors and we’ve got a whole bunch ‘O Foyts who can drive at Indy... I mean there’s Larry (Super Sub Roberto Moreno, Felipe ‘Babyz R-Us Giafone, etc) and HELL! I might even let Anthony Joseph IV (“Quattro) back into the cockpit if he can find somebody to take over his shift at his Huggies (wife’s) Yogurt store...

Upon returning from OZ, I attempted posting the following story above as a lark in deference to something affectionately known as April FOOLS Day! Yet apparently the jokes upon me – especially since Blogger.com has decided to mysteriously SCRUNCH the entire story together into a singularly large massive BLOB ‘O text, thus leaving your humble, weary Jetlagged scribe overly perplexed!

And naturally I attempted posting the story before watching my recording of the St Pete race where it was divulged that ‘Ol Super Tex had just undergone surgery to have a Stint inserted into his artery, which had a blockage of 95% detected. So get well soon A.J. as ‘Smoke needs somebody to harass...