My brain thinks differently than the rest of the world. These are those thoughts.

Trucks, Tobacco and Girls. The Best Country Song Ever?

Here’s a little tidbit about me, I enjoy music. Pretty much any kind of music really. If it has an instrument or a voice involved I’ll probably listen to it at least once. In fact if you were to spend anytime at all browsing through my iPod you might even think I’m having a serious identity crisis. Anything from Eminem to U2 you’ll find it there. Heck, there might even be a song or two from Barney the Dinosaur, but I’m neither confirming nor denying this.

However there is one music genre that I just don’t understand and cannot get on board with. Almost 25 years on this earth and I just cannot understand country music. I live in Nashville, you’d think it would make sense, but nope! I’ve slowly discovered that country music is mostly about trucks. And if there’s no truck it’s a girl. No girl? How about some alcohol and a river? These are the only things you need for a country song.

You’re never going to believe this, but I may have had the most ultimate country song ever suggested to me just the other day.

The name: Boys ‘Round Here.
The artist: Blake Shelton, or as I call him, ‘that one guy from The Voice’

This song includes everything you need for the most perfect country tune! Trucks, alcohol, girls and a river! Every single one of them is here. Based on that alone it has to be great! And I’m almost 37% sure it makes perfect sense and is a wonderfully deep and meaningful song! Luckily for all of you, I’ve spent hours doing an intense lyrical study to find out if this is indeed the most perfect country song. Join me now on this lyrical journey!

Boys ‘Round Here

“Well the boys ’round here don’t listen to The Beatles”

Well, why not? Everyone enjoys The Beatles. They’re kind of a classic band. Even I listen to The Beatles and I have terrible taste in music. Ask anyone who’s ever spent time near me. We are not off to a great start here Blake ol’ boy.

“Run ole Bocephus through a jukebox needle”

Bocephus? That’s a blood disease, right? Isn’t it contagious? Are you sharing needles?? I’m pretty sure that’s how you catch Bocephus, I learned that in 7th grade health. Also, as a side note, a jukebox needle seems like the worst choice for this.

“At a honky-tonk, where their boots stomp”

Are people wearing boots, or are these boots stomping on their own? OH! Is this a haunted honky-tonk?? I want to go to there!

“All night; what?”

I’ll second that “what?” You have not said a complete thought. What’s all night? The ghosts?

“(That’s right)”

Nailed it! I knew it was ghosts!

“Yea, and what they call work, digging in the dirt”

I just call work, work.

“Gotta get it in the ground ‘fore the rain come down”

Get what in the ground? The dirt? You don’t have to put dirt in the ground, it’s already there. If digging is your job I would’ve thought you’d know that by now.

“To get paid, to get the girl
In your 4 wheel drive (A country boy can survive)”

I’m honestly just confused now. You have to put the dirt that you dug up back into the ground before it rains? And if you don’t do this you won’t get paid? And if you don’t get paid you don’t get the girl? She seems a little catty if she won’t hang out with you unless you’ve been paid. I don’t know about her. Is the 4 wheel drive also a deal breaker? This girl is picky!

“Yea the boys ’round here
Drinking that ice cold beer”

Okay. That sounds nice. I’m with you.

“Talkin’ ’bout girls, talkin’ ’bout trucks”

The super catty girl? 4 wheel-drive trucks? Be more descriptive! You are not painting a great word picture for me.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust”

Oh, there’s dust! So it didn’t rain then? Good! I do hope you got all your dirt put back after you dug it up for no reason.

“The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

Are you praying because you’ve run out of red dirt road? You have a 4 wheel-drive, I think, you’ll probably be okay, unless you’re slowly careening towards a cliff. Which in that case I highly suggest you just flip a u and turn around.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t”

HA! Legit isn’t something you say about backwoods. Silly Blake! They aren’t legit. They’re full of sharp rocks and ticks. Not legit at all. Also I’m going to have to argue with you here. Backwoods take A LOT poo. Animals live in the backwoods and they eat there, and sleep there and well, surely you catch my drift.

“Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

What?! Where’d you get tobacco? Where did this come from? This is right out of left field, Also, the Surgeon General says that can give you mouth cancer, just a warning

“Aw heck
Red red red red red red redneck”

Aww heck……I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Why are you stuttering all of a sudden?

“Well the boys ’round here, they’re keeping it country
Ain’t a damn one know how to do the dougie
(You don’t do the dougie?) No, not in Kentucky”

YouTube. It gives a fine example of how to do the Dougie. Expand your horizons you red red red red red red red red red red red rednecks. But wait, you can’t do it in Kentucky. How’s about Massachusetts? Alaska? Wyoming?

“But these girls ’round here yep, they still love me”

Whoa! Calm down there Rico Suave. I don’t love you. That’s a bold statement. Maybe check your facts before you say such conceited things
“Yea, the girls ’round here, they all deserve a whistle”

Ahh, yes, every girl should have a rape whistle. I appreciate your support of woman’s safety.

“Shakin’ that sugar, sweet as Dixie crystal”

Is that like when Outkast told me to shake it like a Polaroid picture? Because as it turns out Polaroid strongly suggests you do NOT do that. Out of curiosity, is Dixie crystal, meth? I watched Breaking Bad and that sounds a lot like a name for meth. Don’t do meth kids.

“They like that y’all and southern drawl
And just can’t help it cause they just keep fallin‘”

Help them up!! And for goodness sakes get them to the doctor! If they keep falling they may have a serious medical problem.

Again with the tobacco. It’s so abrupt. Why are you saying this? And why are you repeating yourself? We heard you the first time.

“Let me hear you say
(Ooh let’s ride)
(Ooh let’s ride)
Down to the river side”

No….I’m not going to say that. I’m just not.

“(Ooh let’s ride…)”

No.

“Hey now girl, hop inside
Me and you gonna take a little ride to the river”

Where is there a river? Did the red dirt road run into a river?!? Can you swim?!? ARE YOU OKAY? May I suggest a pontoon? I learned a lot about them awhile back. They’re for red red red red red red rednecks.

“Let’s ride (That’s right)”

I already said no twice. Perhaps the 3rd times a charm.

“Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound”

…..I get what you’re implying here and I am appalled.

“We out of town”

That’s because you didn’t listen when I told you to find another road when you ran out of the other one. Sigh….

Are the boys at the river/on the blanket with the crickets as well? You might need a friendship break from them. You seem a little clingy.

“Runnin’ them red dirt roads out, kicking up dust
The boys ’round here
Sending up a prayer to the man upstairs”

I cannot stress this enough, just find another road.

“Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t”

I’m not even going to talk to you about this again. You are a terrible listener. They’re is so much sh*t in the woods it’s not even funny.

“Chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit”

I don’t know of you’re attempting to peer pressure me into chewing tobacco, but I’m not going to. I’ve seen The Sandlot. They tried that and they vomited everywhere! That is not pleasant. I do not want to participate

“(Ooh let’s ride)
Red red red red red red redneck
(Ooh let’s ride)”

What happened to your job? Why haven’t you gone back yet? You’ll never get paid at this rate.

“Lay a blanket on the ground
Kissing and the crickets is the only sound”

Do I need to break out that whistle you gave me earlier? You’re more than a little pushy.

“We out of town
Girl you gotta get down with
Come on through the country side
Down to the river side”

I’m not going to do any of those things with you. Ever. Creepy McCreeperson.

….while this song does contain every single important aspect of a country tune, I’m not sure it’s the ultimate country song. In fact, I’ll just say it, it’s not. It’s really just a terribly confusing group of words promoting the use of tobacco and getting frisky in the woods. I don’t know what Blake Shelton was thinking here. I’m very disappointed. I had high hopes for this one, but alas it did not make me love country music….sigh.

So in summary, if creepy pushy rednecks with trucks who chew tobacco are your thing, then boy do I have a song for you to hear!! If not, then may I suggest absolutely any other song ever?

But I did learn something, so this whole experience wasn’t a complete bust! Mr Shelton suffers from a stuttering problem. It seems to only affect his use of the word ‘red’ though, which seems odd, but I’m no speech therapist. I’d never guessed he had this struggle. He covers it up well in the public eye.