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[Remorse]: I pressured my mom to stay with my family and provide day care to assist us in paying off college debts since we were struggling with the third baby and minimum payments. My mother, as always, sacrificed greatly to help her children and came and lived with us. One of the house rules was no shoes in the house... well she was diabetic and couldn't feel her feet. Coming down the stairs one day, she fell. Shattered her ankle in several places. My fault because I brought her here (no stairs at her home) and because the lack of shoes gave her a lack of traction.

ER says surgery is needed. Surgery is done here. My Dad misses several days of work and gets her to take her home (different state).

Surgery ultimately fails due to extensive damage to bones etc... from ignored diabetes. A second surgery puts a metal cast through her bones. It was a large metal cage. High chance of infection which would require amputation.

Mother was deathly afraid of losing her leg. She lost a toe earlier after a failed surgery so in her mind the leg was already gone. The leg got infected and they cleaned it out. She sent me a picture of the large chunk of flesh missing in her leg.

I responded with a "holy ***ing sh* mom! You need to take care of yourself."

And then I sent the last text she would ever read from me...

"I hate watching you slowly die."

She was so stressed from potentially losing the leg, combined with the infection and a weakened heart, passed away in the early morning while I was at work. I got a barrage of texts that ended with, "Mom passed away."

She'd still be here if I never pushed her to live with us. My greed and impatience at life killed my mother.

Edit: while she wasn't taking care of herself, she certainly would not have died as suddenly and unexpectedly as she had if it wasn't for me.

Unfortunately I understand the way grief distorts perception; it is far easier to believe that something was your fault rather than accept that you had no control over it, because if you had no control over it then there was nothing you could’ve done to change it and sometimes the easiest person to blame is yourself.. Accepting that you had no control over something means admitting helplessness and fuck me up if helplessness in the face of trauma and loss isn’t one of those things that makes it a thousand times worse.

But. That’s a distorted perception. Bad things happen. Bad things happen to good people. It’s inevitable, it’s inexplicable, and it’s awful. Your mother didn’t die because of anything you said or did, and she wouldn’t be around if you had said or done anything differently. I can’t imagine the pain in your heart, just please, don’t torture yourself unnecessarily by claiming responsibility. You deserve the freedom to grieve without the added burden of self-blame.

its killing me that you choose to blame yourself for something you have absolutely no control over. Shitty things happen, but they happen because they're meant to be. Shes at peace, and you should rest your mind knowing that life is just running its shitty course. I'm so sorry for your loss brother.

I downvoted this only because you didn't kill your mom. I know I'd feel the same way because of how guilt and grief combine... but not being in your shoes I can look from a distance and say that you didn't kill your mom... and I'm so sorry you lost her so unexpectedly and so soon. In truth, she might have fallen down any flight of stairs any time in a pair of tennis shoes or sandals she'd recently put on or had on all day. It could have happened anywhere but you were there to help. One of the last things she did was spend time with her kid and her kid's kids and she would never have blamed you or regretted that. We don't know how we'll go, but we do go and whether or not you believe in everyone having "their time" you can rest assured knowing that she loved you deeply and knew that things don't always go as planned. You didn't anticipate losing her and she didn't anticipate not seeing the end of the day but you love her and she knew that. And her love for you is not something you'll ever forget or lack or lose.

I'm a mom and I tend to put others first too. It's something I work on and is ultimately my responsibility. She could have said no. She could have taken care of her diabetes. Could have, should have. You're not to blame. She did it out of love, but ultimately because helping made her feel good. It was her choice.

Could you have made different choices? Probably. Did you learn from this and will it change you for the better. Yup.