The Bachelor Recap: That’s What Daddy’s Here For

I literally, you guys, can not even talk about how mad I am at this stupid cliffhanger episode. CLIFFHANGERS WORK IF YOU USE THEM SPARINGLY. Otherwise, I just hate you with a fiery passion.

I’m so heated and annoyed, I can’t even talk about how generally this was a pretty good episode and all the hometowns were quite enjoyable.

I DIDN’T LEARN ANYTHING NEW TO TIDE ME OVER TO NEXT WEEK. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY AWAY FROM SPOILERS, YOU MONSTER PRODUCERS??

Ugh.

Here are the 10 Worst Things That Happened on The Bachelor: Episode 8

10. “Nick is a great match for me,” says Corinne for the 100th time without ever once saying she is a good match for him. Relationships work both ways!

9. NICK IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE IS DATING FOUR WOMEN, STOP CALLING HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND. The worst of these was a poor unsuspecting pastor saying Rachel brought her boyfriend to church. You know when he finds out what was really going on, he’s going to be pissed.

8. Andi, girl, how much money did they pay you to do this? Ain’t no chance in hell she wants Nick back. This is just some dumb filler conversation where they make up and like each other fine at the end. Stop. Wasting. My. Time. ABC.

7. I thought Nick and Rachel both handled race quite well in this episode, as did Rachel’s mother. But her sister really pissed me off when she said that Nick said he doesn’t see color. He didn’t say that! He said the opposite! He said, I know she’s black. THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF SAYING YOU’RE COLOR BLIND. He said that is a clear part of their relationship but not something that holds him back from caring about her for who she is. That’s the best thing to say!

6. So, okay, I get Corinne having someone like Raquel in her life (though maybe it’s time for her to move out). Raquel is lovely and perfect! But they really played up the, “she may be a part of the family but she is definitely our server” aspect with her serving dinner and then her picking up dinner while the rest of the family watched Corinne from the window. Corinne loves Raquel! But homegirl is hella spoiled.

5. When the families push so hard to be protective like Vanessa’s family did, it always just really upsets their daughter/sister, not makes her feel any better. I get people being protective—that’s family! But making her cry four times in a row isn’t exactly the answer? Take a cue from some of the other parents and trust your daughter’s judgment.

4. Parents, don’t raise your daughter to be happy in relationships only when their husband makes enough money to spend $3400 on one outfit. If that’s what Corinne needs, it’s fair for her to know that. But don’t force that on her. Money solves nothing! (Yes, money solves poverty which makes everything hard, but I mean like rich people money.)

3. Vanessa does not understand how this show works, getting all huffy when she finds out Nick asked the other parents for their blessings. HE CAN’T PICK SOMEONE NOW THAT WOULD RUIN THE SHOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOTHING.

2. This breadwinner talk with Corinne’s dad was so gross. Corinne is totally fine if she has to be the breadwinner, guys. Duh, of course she should be. Nick, meanwhile, wants to be the breadwinner. Honestly, who cares. Breadwinner is a disgusting phrase, first of all. Second of all, if someone’s making money, then you can do what you love, even if it doesn’t make money. What is bad about this? People are the worst.

1. I’ve about HAD IT with these cliffhanger endings. The whole show is a freaking cliffhanger, you don’t need to ruin the one sense of structure we have! HOW DARE YOU, ABC? HOW DARE YOU.

And now Nick’s best moments:

Here are the 5 Best Things That Nick Did on The Bachelor: Episode 8

5. I found Nick to be quite good with all of the families except for Vanessa’s, but I really think that was probably their fault? If you’re scared shitless, you aren’t as endearing. He was my favorite with Raven’s though. I cried.

4. Nick handing out roses in the hotel room was quite sweet. Roses are mutual! Thank you for bringing back our comfort blanket of roses!

3. Nick saying “I’m not from mars” at the food at Rachel’s house was truly amazing. Good boy.

2. Nick saying “I’m not colorblind” is a huge step forward in the dialogue of this show. Amazing!

1. Nick shopping with Corinne was truly amazing. “I’m trying on sweatpants that are $800. Don’t worry, the sweatshirt is only $650!”

Alright, here are my thoughts on the remaining women:

Rachel is my favorite and I think she lasts this rose ceremony, but obviously doesn’t win. This is fine, she is our Bachelorette.

Next, I love Raven SO much. She is funny and interesting and I cried multiple times during her hometown which never happens. And! I feel like Nick is significantly more comfortable around her than he is Vanessa.

Vanessa’s students were really the most endearing and it’s hard not to like her after seeing how much they love her. But UGH I find her and Nick so boring together! It just doesn’t feel like love to me! Am I totally missing something?

Corinne is is ridiculous and spoiled, but look, I like Corinne fine enough. She’s generally kind, she doesn’t actively try to start shit (she doesn’t! She’ll fight hard and mean when she’s in it, but she doesn’t start it), and she does seem fun. But stop it right now if Nick keeps Corinne another week.

I have no predictions except that I hope Raven wins? And obviously, Andi is just going to give him nice advice, not stir up any drama—stop messing with us. If we don’t go down to two women next week, I swear to god, I WILL LOSE IT.