Madame Taslima Nasreen is upset. “Who’s that?”, you might ask. Well, folks, she’s the Rakhi Sawant of the literary circles. That cheap woman who has been trying to earn some cheap publicity since the early 90s through the oldest proven way. By creating a controversy. Now most people of her kind, the honorable Poonam Pandey, Kim Kardashian et al, go for creating a shock among the population and then riding that controversy to sell things; books, reality shows, lingerie lines etc. This lady, had a brilliant plan. She has been writing consistently(Yes, I’ve read a few, out of curiosity) to the effect that Islam is..well, not that holy, The Prophet was…well, not a nice person and practically every man, especially a Muslim man, from her own uncle to every renowned author and artist, is a sex-offender and a child-molester. Sorry about not being more specific, but I cannot write the specifics without vomiting, and they’re certainly not worth reading. In short, what she tried to write is sort of halfway between Mein Kampf and Letters to Penthouse, with neither the fire of the first or the pleasure of the second. But I digress, I’m sorry. I am not going to not going to waste my time judging the literary merits of her writings, for the excellent reason that they don’t have any.

We hear that her ladyship is upset these days. She has been upset since she learned that Aamir Khan‘s Satyamev Jayate has generated a lot of interest and concern among the populace. Her problem, in her own words, “From now on film stars should talk about social problems on TV. Everybody will listen to them. Ppl don’t listen to human rights activists (sic).” Right. For starters, who’s the human rights activist? You?? Kinda forgotten, haven’t we, that two people died in a police shooting in Kerala while protesting against your filth, and you declared that you’re not sorry? Besides, what exactly is it that you’re upset about? You always claimed to be a champion of oppressed women. You should be cheering that people are finally waking up to the realities of female foeticide. Why does it bother you that people listen to filmstars and not to you? Isn’t it more important that they are listening? The lady also has a few more grand ideas and suggestions. She wrote, “Dear Salman Khan, please talk about rape, domestic violence and dowry murder on TV tomorrow. Ppl should know about these problems(sic),” and added, “Dear Shahrukh Khan, pl talk about sexual abuse & sexual slavery on TV. Ppl shd know about these problems. We talk, but we’re not film stars(sic).” For once, I agree. If they do, people will listen. You know why, you fake? Because these people are good at what they do. And people tend to listen to such people. Yes, the glam factor plays a role too, of course. And I would be the first to agree that the stars often take up social activities to promote themselves. What on earth is wrong with that? It’s how they earn their living. And if some social good comes of that marketing plan, it is good for everyone.

Yes, I know what you’ve been thinking since that tweet. “Uh-oh, I just proved, with my own words, that I’m concerned more about my popularity than those issues and those poor women I holler about.” Don’t worry sweetheart, all hypocrites sooner or later let slip their true colors. Seems this was your turn.

The second grand idea the mad woman had, is even better. “I’ll put a film star’s name as author of my next book and will put his/her pretty face on the cover(sic),” she wrote. Yes, please do. We’ll be spared your filth. A lot of people will be spared the trouble of rioting and protesting. The police will be spared a few difficult days of public disturbance. The government will be spared a few debates. And we will be spared your ugly face on morning television, hopefully. Anyways, in case you’re really truthful about this great idea for your next book, and you seldom are about anything, may I suggest that it’s Deepika Padukone’s pretty face you choose, not just for the cover but for all the pages?

Tell me, Ms. Nasreen, you have cried and raved and ranted a lot about the fact that you don’t have a country to call home. Have you ever asked yourself why? Have you ever wondered, why is it that in a country like India, where even Baba Ramdev is popular, you cannot find a home? I don’t know what exactly is the problem you’ve got with Islam and it’s believers. And I honestly don’t care. What I do know is this : If a million of my countrymen, (and make no mistake, they are my countrymen) are offended when you open your mouth, you better shut up. You don’t believe in Islam or The Prophet? I’ve got news for you love, I don’t even believe in God. And I’ve always said so, along with my reasons when asked, to Hindus, Muslims, Christians and Buddhists. Nobody has asked for my head, nobody has demanded that I leave the country. It’s time you learned that the constitution guarantees freedom of Speech, not Abuse. Yes, I’ve always known that TV shows are meant to be sold, and nothing else. Nobody ever pretended otherwise. Why are you so mad? And finally, let me get this straight, you are upset that people are paying more attention to Aamir Khan than they ever paid you? That’s hilarious!

I’ll tell you why you’re not so popular as Aamir Khan, despite all your pathetic efforts. I’ll tell you why everybody hates you. I’ll tell you why nobody listens to you. It’s because they see through your bullshit. They saw through the Viswa Hindu Parishad’s bullshit, they saw through the neo-nazis propaganda, they saw through George Bush’ WMD theory, and now they have seen through yours. Tough Luck, sweetheart, happens to you all. If you’re still confused, I’ll make it more simple.

It’s because you cannot fool too many people for too long. Remember the name of the show you are so upset about?

“Satyamev Jayate”

Truth Alone Prevails, Bitch!

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First, I did read her books, most of them. Now, if I tell you that I was unfortunate enough to have met a couple of women in my life who cheat on their husband, would I be justified in calling the entire womanhood to be sluts based on that? No? But thats what you did with men. You judged the entire race of male species just by your experience with a few men in your block. That’s foolish, ain’t it?

Second, trust me Ms, we have had enough of these self-proclaimed feminists! One Shobha aunty is more than enough for us. Its time you understood that feminism isn’t men hating.

Third, what is more important for you Ms, the method or the result? How does it matter whether you are preaching about female foesticide, or Amir Khan, or Mr Magoo, all it matters is as long as people make the change.

Just a suggestion, be a hyprocrite, we have lots of them here so another one wouldn’t make any difference, but even being a hypocrite is an art. Hope you know that.