I need help... Violent toddler

My daughter is 19 months old and loves to hit, bite and kick. She will literally just walk up and smack you. When we changed her diaper she cries, screams and kicks. Today she kicked me in the face. I have tried everything I can think of from smacking her to talking nice and telling her that we don't hit. NOTHING works. I feel like I don't have control over her the situation, she will hit and bite anyone. Any mommas out there with a similar situation? Do they grow out of it? What do you do?

Comments (12)

My daughter hits when she is overtired and really angry. We have sometimes used time out successfully. I think it is mostly a phase. How is your saughter's communication? Is she behind in speech and frustrated in that sense?

My daughter hits when she is overtired and really angry. We have sometimes us...

Posted
05/25/2016

My daughter hits when she is overtired and really angry. We have sometimes used time out successfully. I think it is mostly a phase. How is your saughter's communication? Is she behind in speech and frustrated in that sense?

She definitely gets more violent when she is getting tired, but literally just hits for no reason and she pulls hair, for no reason. I don't think she is behind, she communicates pretty well, can tell us when she is hungry or when she has pooped or peed. For the most part we can understand what she is wanting, I'm so frustrated because I honestly don't know what to do. My mom keeps telling me she will grow out of it, but I'm scared of her getting worse. My husband and I are not violent people by any means. We don't even argue in front of her, or raise are voices. I don't understand why she feels the need to act the way she does.

Hi there, a very consistent response (whatever you and your partner choose) is critical, as well as having every adult (to the best of your ability) enforce the same consistent consequence. A smart child will notice any inconsistencies and continue the undesired behavior, so hey, take solace in the fact you have a smart kid, lol. :-)

I also suggest a SIMPLE PICTURE chart with a picture for NO HITTING / HANDS TO SELF. Actually with her age, probably a picture of HER with her hands to herself so that it is concrete enough. Some sort of reinforcer that is highly motivating to her when she is doing the desired behavior. Since she's so young, it will have to be immediate (a primary reinforcer like a goldfish). If you need more support with something like this given she's so young, perhaps you can ask your pediatrician for a referral to a developmental pediatrician or a behavioral specialist for a consult.

This is not to indicate there is ANYTHING wrong with your kiddo at all; just if you need help extinguishing the behavior. It's hard in kids who are so young to find the appropriate and effective way to manage it!!

She definitely gets more violent when she is getting tired, but literally jus...

Posted
05/25/2016

She definitely gets more violent when she is getting tired, but literally just hits for no reason and she pulls hair, for no reason. I don't think she is behind, she communicates pretty well, can tell us when she is hungry or when she has pooped or peed. For the most part we can understand what she is wanting, I'm so frustrated because I honestly don't know what to do. My mom keeps telling me she will grow out of it, but I'm scared of her getting worse. My husband and I are not violent people by any means. We don't even argue in front of her, or raise are voices. I don't understand why she feels the need to act the way she does.

It's probably nothing at all that you are doing wrong -- there is a nature piece to this and some kiddos have more difficulty with certain behaviors. It's funny, though, my DS (dear son) (17 months old) was in Starbucks having a tantrum the other day, and I bought him a pouch and he squirted it EVERYWHERE.... I was totally looking around at all the customers thinking, "Oh no, they are totally thinking I'm that parent who can't manage my kid's behavior" lol....

My son is going through this. He scratches and claws and will sink his nails into your skin and not let go:-( I've started to go completely straight faced, I don't even look at him and I don't say a word, I just set him on the ground and walk away. I think he's starting to understand that he will not get any attention by doing these things. It's actually slowly getting better. And when he's not being violent, esp when I'm changing him, I'm super nice and goofy with him just so that he starts to make a connection and hopefully get it that "mom's really nice when I just lay here but she ignores me when I'm crazy." That's the best I can do...

My son is going through this. He scratches and claws and will sink his nails ...

Posted
05/25/2016

My son is going through this. He scratches and claws and will sink his nails into your skin and not let go:-( I've started to go completely straight faced, I don't even look at him and I don't say a word, I just set him on the ground and walk away. I think he's starting to understand that he will not get any attention by doing these things. It's actually slowly getting better. And when he's not being violent, esp when I'm changing him, I'm super nice and goofy with him just so that he starts to make a connection and hopefully get it that "mom's really nice when I just lay here but she ignores me when I'm crazy." That's the best I can do...

My son is going through this. He scratches and claws and will sink his nails ...

Posted
05/25/2016

My son is going through this. He scratches and claws and will sink his nails into your skin and not let go:-( I've started to go completely straight faced, I don't even look at him and I don't say a word, I just set him on the ground and walk away. I think he's starting to understand that he will not get any attention by doing these things. It's actually slowly getting better. And when he's not being violent, esp when I'm changing him, I'm super nice and goofy with him just so that he starts to make a connection and hopefully get it that "mom's really nice when I just lay here but she ignores me when I'm crazy." That's the best I can do...

I like is advice and I would also say that spanking is probably sending mixed messages. I'd probably try to avoid that completely.

Last night my daughter (3) hit my husband while he was trying to get her ready for bed. I knew she was just tired, so I made her go over to him, hug him, and apologize. When she came back over to me I reminded her that we don't hit. Then I said "Do you want me to hit you?!" She says "No!" and then with the most dramatic pouty face says "I can cry!" It was like it was a threat. I couldn't help myself, but between the complete dramatic acting, and the way she said it, I burst out laughing. Teachable moment fail.

This may be way way random but have you looked into digestive issues. My 4th child has more fatigue than my other kids because his digestion is different (his coloring is way different too, super blond hair, blue eyes, no pigment in skin hardly besides freckles 😊 I've done the gaps diet with him and our house loosely and have added fermented style foods to help him digest better (like kefir and sour krout). Seems to help his mood and ability to stay alert quite a bit. At 19 mouths I would think extreme fatigue could result in hitting etc. if digestion is off, the diaper area can be sensitive-and if her gut hurts it could/might feel like someone's hitting her belly or pinching her belly if gas is bad or her lining is irritated which could cause aggression too bc it's so confusing to a young child. Like I said, random, hopefully not offensive in anyway. Thought it was worth throwing out there. 😊 Also, digestion does mature, so she could just phase out if it.

Checkout Conscious Discipline, you can get the book or a video at the library.

At that age it help to give our son independence. He wanted to have some control. Example for the diaper change say something before if she is playing. "Do you want to play for 5 mintues and get a diaper change or do a diap4cjange right now?" Let her help with as much as she can. At that age our son dish dish with us, laundry, vacuuming... much happier and less conflicts.

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