Whoever said writing a blog was easy – was a liar! I have been trying to sum up my life and bring you up to speed with my journey so that other can see they are not alone in their struggles. Not only that, but so that you understand who I am as a Mom, a woman and a person – and how we came to be where we are today. This process has been seemingly impossible, however. I am struggling to update here consistently, and some of the details are now lost in time. I am going to do my best to summarize the last 2.5 years in one or 2 posts.

As M entered Kindergarten, he became increasingly anxious and (seemingly) angry. He would run away, knock over book shelves and just get REALLY upset if things were out of sorts. He had an AMAZING teacher. She was able to develop a very close bond with him and figured out a way to help control his environment so HE didn’t feel out of control.

Miss H was in the school daycare and was given a support worker. She also developed an amazing bond with her and was able to integrate H into group activities and control her outbursts as well. While H can be very social and outgoing, she seems to prefer the company of herself….

We continued to have issues throughout the year and met with the Behavioural Intervention Team at the school. We would be working closely with them to see how we could best help my children adapt to their new environments.

Even with all of their trials throughout the year look at how happy they are at graduation Kindergarten for M and Pre-school for H).

I’m sure some of you recognize those ABCs and 123s of ADHD and the like. It has become common verbiage in my life.

While I don’t regret medicating my children AT ALL, the side effects and ups and downs are so disconcerting. Medication has allowed my children to thrive in school, have socially acceptable behaviours and conversations and to be happy for the most part. But when their little bodies become acclimatized to the doses, or when certain side effects like HUGE weight gain or mood swings happen – it’s scary and exhausting for ALL parties. I waited as long as possible and exhausted all options before beginning the cycle of medications, and we still aren’t where we need to be.

After years of trying to figure out what was “wrong”, how do I “fix” it, am I a “bad parent”, I finally came to realize none of the above have answers. While there have been “diagnosis” and “treatments” and “parenting classes”, we will ALWAYS have to work harder to just BE.

Because of their compound issues, doctors appointments, school meetings, counseling etc., it is impossible for me to hold a traditional full-time job. That, and the stress from the illnesses, missing work, financial strain etc., actually made me physically ill to the point I was in the emergency room several times and had several procedures done to try to find the cause. IT WAS STRESS. This is why I started this blog. To tell my story and to GET PEOPLE TALKING. Depression, anxiety and mental illness/mood disorders are NOT JUST adult issues. Children suffer too. And it can get BAD. Self-care of the parents/care-givers DURING these times is SO important!! You need time to recoup, recharge, rest and HEAL. If you don’t, you WILL get sick. Then who will take care of your babies??

I know I have been focusing on my journey and some of the issues I had been dealing with regarding “V”. That isn’t to say there weren’t ones with my babies – It is just hard to keep my blog posts concise.

I am going to finally admit I had a REVELATION! My kids are NOT perfect. WHAT?! I know, right?!

But in all seriousness, I was oblivious to many issues that they had been exhibiting – chalking a lot up to being a girl, being a boy, high energy, just a princess, it’s from all of the changes, etc; etc. And to be fair to myself, I was never made aware of the seriousness of some of the issues while they were in care until very recently. The daycare handled the situation because they were trained in how to, and left it at that. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, isn’t it?

When we moved, that meant a change in child care as well as “M” would be starting school the following fall. This was a very arduous task as child care here in Winnipeg, especially SUBSIDIZED childcare, is very hard to come by, and I really wanted the kids to stay together. After MUCH emailing, cold calling, utilizing my MLA, Daycare coordinators and social media use, I FINALLY found a daycare – a centre that could take BOTH kids and transport “M” to school!

The daycare wasn’t my “ideal” centre. It was definitely a downgrade from their current one, and was located in a not so favourable location. But the staff seemed nice and competent….*ahem*.

I don’t remember any “issues” at the centre before the renovations began. In fact, they seemed to enjoy it there. Miss “H” took to her favorite girls, and kept mostly to herself. “M” was his usual social self. But they received a grant to renovate and the kids were all whisked away to a church basement – and then all hell broke loose, so to speak….and this is really where things began to unravel……

So in my previous post I mentioned that a HUGE new change was happening in my life – and that was that I was going to become a home owner again. This was even more exciting as I was doing it on my own (well kind of – the down payment was loaned by someone near and dear to me) but my “own” as a single Mom.

I knew that I wanted to move to the west side of the city as that is where my Mom and sister lived – they are both my anchors. I honestly don’t know where I would be in life without them. The issue here is, is that this is also one of the more expensive areas to buy a home in. And with 3 kids, one being a teenager, and a little dog I needed space.

OOPS! Did I forget to mention our new addition? We rescued a little Chug named Max. The poor “little” guy was going to be put down and I just couldn’t allow it. Although he was already 4 when we got him, it seems like he has always been with us.

When Max first came to see us on the left and last summer on the right

So I started the hunt! I was so excited about the possibilities as I felt I had a decent budget – but those thoughts were soon thwarted by crazy bids on the houses I wanted. I was being out bid faster than I could blink :(.

Then I found it.

I saw a photo on the Real Estate site and I HAD to go and look. It just seemed to call to me.

Although it was a 2 story, and I was looking for a bungalow, it had everything we needed. 3+1 bedrooms, a huge fenced yard with a play structure and an ISLAND OF MY DREAMS. As I mentioned in this post, I make cakes on the side. I had slowed down as they were becoming too overwhelming, but had picked it up again recently. Plus I LOVED to cook – and even to do crafts with the kids – it was perfect.

The play structure in the backyard, and THE island. See those cupboards and drawers – those are on BOTH sides!! EEEEK! ❤

But the house was also priced upwards of my max budget, and the area it was in – I was very worried I would be out bid – by a LOT.

Soo… this is where the fun part comes in that I mentioned in my previous post. My gf was having a Pampered Chef™ and medium party – and I was attending. I had never been, to either actually, but was most excited by the medium part. We saw a lovely lady named Lisa Scrivens – she can be found her website here or on Facebook here.

I felt immediately at ease when I met her and our session began. She asked my name and then asked a weird question. She asked if I did Reiki. (I did not – but more to come on that at a later date). She asked about me working in healthcare, which I do in a way; she knew it was not my dream job, but that I was content. She followed with a tarot reading, and OMG. I mean she hit ALL OF THE NAILS ON THE HEAD. My past relationship, issues with my kids (which had escalated a bit), everything. Then I was able to ask a question – and of course I did – about the house I wanted. The answer was simple: The person helping me was going to be asked to do some things by the broker. Do them – the house is yours. Then my Grandfather came through with his old dog Shep, and for the first time in a long time, I felt sure of my future, and glad that I knew <for sure> who my son’s Guardian Angel was 😉

When a couple separates after half a decade+, you really find out who your friends are. They take sides, stop calling, come out of the woodwork to help, call to see if you are ok – or start dating your ex.

It was when the latter happened when my life changed drastically. My depression has been under control for the most part for years, and suddenly I was spiraling into a really dark place. I tried to hide it – after all I still had my teen to worry about, who was exhibiting symptoms of drug use, my 2 babies that I had pretty much full time, a Foster Daughter I had taken in and a new job I had just started when I moved back to the city. But I wasn’t doing well – at all. I was either drinking more at a gfs house, or out with her (on weekends that I didn’t have the wee ones), or I would lay in bed all weekend and read. And I cried – a lot. Not in front of anyone, again trying to hide everything, but still….. a lot.

So back to the Dr I went, and back to counseling. My doctor upped my meds (doubled them in fact) and my counselor patiently listened to me crying about my ex, and my so called friend, and me questioning if we made the right choice separating, and was it best for the kids… etc etc…

When I was done, she looked at me and asked what I really remembered about my relationship. She said I seem to have this perfect house, with a white picket fence version in my head, and everything was mostly good (and she held her hand up high, like I revered that ‘memory’). Then she put her hand down and said – “Crystal – let that version go. That is NOT what it was like. I have been your counselor for years, and you two had issues from day 1. It’s like you are both addicted to each other – to the adrenaline of being mad all of the time. You need to find a way to be happy”.

And just like that – the darkness was gone. Not the sadness, not ALL of the guilt for what I have put my kids through – I still harbour some of that to this day – but that EMPTINESS. I don’t know how else to describe what I had been feeling other than pure emptiness until that point. She showed me, and again TOLD me, what I NEEDED to hear, point blank and blunt. Next step was making me and my kids happy again.

My son had also been acting out – throwing tantrums and actually taking off, mostly at home but some at daycare – so she directed me to a wonderful place called New Directions, which would help with my parenting skills. She also advised me to try and get active – endorphines are the best medicine!

My sister has become my best friend, and was so incredibly supportive through – well everything! Her and I decided to join Zumba! We found a Groupon™ and tried it out – LOVED IT!!!! This is who we went through: http://winnipegzumba.com/, HIGHLY recommended!

Then she dropped the big one on me! She asked if I wanted to go to CUBA with her for a friends wedding – HELL YA! I had never traveled anywhere exotic, we worked our asses off at Zumba, my Mom agreed to watch my kids, and in April 2012 I took my 1st trip away – and it was AMAZING. Seriously – I fell in love and I can NOT wait to go back. Next trip will be with “V”!

Beautiful Veradero Cuba – no matter how much weight I had lost, the bikini shots don’t lie! Still had a way to go in my fitness journey.

When I got back, my FD’s worker informed me she would be leaving 😦 and I also received a notice that my rent would be increasing – BOO! BUT this meant one other thing for this Mamabear – time to BUY HER OWN HOUSE!

And that is where I am going to leave this crazy year off….. there is so much to tell about the house hunt……it’s a neat story anyway – from the beyond…… :-O

So fast forward to almost 2 years in our home… and things aren’t so peachy.

There is stress between us (still going to counselling), stress with “M Sr’s” exes and stress between the boys and myself. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I am not happy, I have gained a TON of weight and our children are REALLY unhappy – mostly the older ones, as they know what’s going on.

I treated ALL of the kids equally and as my own, I always had. This meant discipline as well. I would not tolerate back talk from anyone, and I was getting a LOT of it from “J” and zero support from “M Sr”. It was a HUGE stressor for me and one day my top finally blew. And that was it – we were done. I won’t go into specifics, but it wasn’t pretty (no one was injured and no abuse of any kind took place, let’s be clear on that).

During a previous session, our counselor had asked us something. I can’t remember now what it was, but I remember her response to ours, and that was: “You should not be together”. It was blunt and point blank. We should have listened.

As quickly as we moved in – we moved out. “M Sr” left first and I stayed with the house, my daughter and the babies. Once the house sold we all moved back to the city and started our lives over……..single again, but now with experience (and three kids).

Left to right: Me (Mamabear), “M”, “H” and “V”

I had this piece commissioned by my cousin’s gf. She made it as per my requirements and I love it SO SO much. To this day it reminds me of my WHY – my reason for BEING – and that is:

that I am a MOTHER to three GORGEOUS children

I am their leader in our journey called life. I have to show them the way, hopefully the RIGHT way,

this is also where my new personal journey begins. One where I learn to love ME again; to find myself and get back to being healthy and happy (and hopefully before I’m 40)!

So needless to say (or is it since I’ve found the need to blog about it), being in a house with 5 kids in a small town while on mat leave is NOT the most entertaining lifestyle – especially when we got down to one vehicle, and my brother and SIL decided to move!

You start to CRAVE adult company….. you NEED it – before you go completely insane!

I was always fascinated by those great baking shows – you know the ones, where they create these cake monstrosities and you wonder to yourself – how in the HELL did they get so talented?? Well…I wanted to learn. I wanted to do that! After all – I had enough kids to make cake for!

So I decided I needed a new hobby! My gfs were really busy, and me leaving for weekends with 2 kids under 2 wasn’t feasible, so scrapbooking had become very infrequent. And you just don’t have the time, or the space, to do it during ‘nap times’. Therefore, I enrolled in a Wilton™ cake decorating course at the closest Michael’s’™ location to me, to learn this craft (and talk to other adults!). Cakes like THIS just weren’t cutting it!!

My step son J’s bday cake – KIND OF looks like a yellow sub, right?!?

Well after 3 levels, turns out I’m kind of good at cake decorating!! Who knew??

This was my final class cake 🙂

I still make custom cakes – but I do it more as a hobby and for friends, family and regular customers. It was getting too time consuming and was starting to feel like “work” and not a hobby – blech! Plus as you will learn shortly – life was about to change yet again!

October 16, 2009. Woke up feeling weird and moved to the couch. Ended up asking “M Sr” to stay home as I had a feeling today was the day.

I didn’t realize what I was experiencing were contractions for most of the day as my 1st 2 babies were induced and THOSE contractions were hard, in my back and hurt like hell. These were different….more like pressure…. and a baby’s head knocking to come out! LOL!

After FINALLY timing them on the advice of a friend we started to get things together and make our trip into the city. We had a few stops to make along the way, including dropping the kids off to be watched, and being driven to the hospital (parking is insane). I was also REALLY hungry! Being induced with my 1st 2, you have to have an empty stomach, and are STARVING 12 hours later after it is all said and done, so I didn’t want to take that chance. Man – I was so naive!! Contractions 3 mins apart and I am eating a Superboy burger and sharing fries and a drink!

Arrive at the hospital and check in – contractions now 2 mins apart and REALLY starting to hurt, and I am now feeling sick….hmmm…..I wonder why?!

It took a while to get registered, ‘checked’, monitored and then I am told to go for a walk – yeah, that lasted less than 10 mins. Suddenly I can barely walk and I am told “Yup! It’s time” and “Let’s get you to a room”! We barely got settled in and she was on her way – FAST! Daddy almost caught her – the Dr didn’t even make it into the room!

Checked into hospital at 19:10, she arrived on a water slide at 20:51 – no drugs, heck, almost no pushing! 7lbs of pure perfection – wide eyed and ready to conquer the world!

Welcome to the world my sweet baby girl “H”! We have been waiting for you! ❤

It was nice to have a baby girl again – pretty dresses, blankets and, of course, pretty scrapbooking things!! LOL! Her Big brother “M” ADORED her – and her right back, from early on. These two would become inseparable.

Pure adoration ❤

Such a beauty – I am one lucky Mamabear (and maybe a tad bias).

Biggest of all my babies at a “whopping” 7lbs, she still fit perfectly into her Daddy’s hand!

She was such a character early on – and really was just “cute as a button”.

Of course they grow so fast – but always so many smiles for Mommy and her infamous camera! (And yes – BALD! ALL my babies were bald until they were at least 2!)

Have you noticed the difference in my scrapbooking styles over these last few posts? The right tools and experiences REALLY make the difference. In this time I was also introduced to a nifty little machine called a Cricut™. You can find more on that here – just know that it is a game changer for letters and photos and layouts and more!

7 in the family was the max for this lady! 3 months after Miss “H” was born I had a tubal Ligation (NOT an experience I would recommend to anyone btw), no more bambinos for this Mama! I am blessed with 3 ❤

Things had settled down a bit in our household. I went back to work early (co-worker was on mat leave), “M Sr” and I were attending couples counseling regularly and the kids were all busy being kids!

I remember it was in February and we were in the middle of planning “M”s 1st birthday and finalizing custody of “J” and I was again feeling “off”. “M Sr” was teasing I was pregnant but I REALLY didn’t think so! We had only been “close” a couple of times – hence the counseling. My gf was over helping with the legal paperwork, and I confided in her about “M Sr’s” suspicions, so off we went at 10:00 at night to the drugstore to pick up a pregnancy test. And guess what – YUP! Another big ‘ol “+”!

I was going to be a Mom again! A Mom to FIVE KIDS! WHAAAAAT?!

Well……last time we had to buy a van – THIS time – it was time to buy a house!

We looked all over the city. We really didn’t want to leave the area but nothing was large enough and within our price range, so we started expanding our search. At this time the housing market in Winnipeg had started to boom and we were not finding ANYTHING – or bids were going WAY out of our price range! We moved our search outside of Winnipeg. We found a couple east of the city – which we really liked since we headed east a lot for camping etc; but once the weather warmed up, we saw that the area flooded so we looked elsewhere yet again. My brother and his wife had bought a house north of the city, so when a large 5 BR, 2.5 bath came up for under our price range in the same town we decided why the hell not?! At least we knew someone out there, the kids had a cousin to play with, and it wasn’t horribly far from the city.

We made an offer – and suddenly after MONTHS of worry and disappointment – we actually bought our first home and were moving in 2 months!

I don’t know where all the photos I took are – I think they are stuck on my desktop that won’t turn on atm – but here is a Halloween one I found of our place.

It really doesn’t do it justice. Those are 2 beautiful apple trees and there were 2 large gardens under each window. But this was our first “owned” home together.

And THIS is the sneak peak of the baby in the belly!!

YUP! A GIRL!!!

“M Sr’s” side was ECSTATIC as there were no baby girl grandchildren yet so this one was going to be spoiled something rotten I think! I was just happy she was growing well and healthy (I had gained a lot of weight and was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, so we kept a close eye on her).

March 5, 2008 at 8:57pm, weighing an itty bitty 5lbs, 13oz and 20′ long, our sweet “M” came into this world.

He was just the cutest damn baby EVER! Wide eyed by the next morning, and soooo good!! But already at a day old – so serious! (He has an old soul).

We, of course, had hospital photos done on top of the million and a half I snapped while we had our stay (*scrapbooks you know – cough cough*)

My Sweet Sweet, tiny “M”.

Here he is on his first Easter (just a couple of weeks old!) Far cry from that strapping lad on my About page, hey?? He wore premie everything for a while, but it didn’t last long.

Though he be tiny – he be FIERCE. and STRONG! This boy grew so fast!!!!

6 months old – and I LOVE his little bald head!!!

He LOVED the outdoors (still does!!). So happy and smiling all of the time! And a little devil too!

This look meant trouble! It was a smile that forewarned us he was about to do something he shouldn’t! But doesn’t your heart just MELT looking at him! Oh to go back to these days!!!

THIS right here pretty much sums our M up! He was pulling himself up out of his crib and onto his high chair tray at 7 months, and RUNNING by 9! His uncle commented he was the only baby with a 6 pack! LOL! He kept us on our toes, and most of all, brought so much LOVE and JOY into our lives! Our family seemed like it was complete once more <3.