Answers for March 2011

ANSWERS for March 2011. Winner, and spotter of a tenuous textual link between two of my favourite bands that I never realised was there, is:

Tom Black

Question 1

Was Gandhi randy?

Answer

Not really. He did a few things that would have caused eyebrows to raise, not just in politics.

Additional Answers

No, just plain Gandhi.

About average

Because he never got any

Given his four children he must have had his moments.

Nah, I think his first name was Bruce.

Nehru certainly was (as are most of his countrymen to this day, which is why the population is ~1 billion). No reason why Mo Gandhi should have dipped out from dipping in. Of course he could have been dissuaded if the randyee had spelled Mo’s name “Ghandi” as so many do – sounds like an Oz train rather than a subcontinental freedom nonfighter and would doubtless have put Mo off the, er, scent. The answer is “yes”.

No Randy was amazing, Ghandi merely inspiring

Well, they’ve never been seen in the same room together, but I think the lack of beard, and the really cheesy magic that Ghandi did make it almost certain that Randi is the genuine article.

There was an ascetic named Gandhi
Whose legs were incredibly bandhi.
He cooled off his urgin’s
By sleeping with virgins
But chastely, with cold showers handhi.

He had left his sick dad for the bed
Of his newly-wed wife: then dad’s dead!
Full of guilt, Gandhi swore
To carnal pleasures abhore
And to be a good brahmacharyad:

Gandhi promised to keep himself chaste
With his seminal fluids in place,
But thought it not rude
To bathe in the nude
With the wives of his nephews and mates.

On the Salt March, the thoughts of our Gandhi
Often turned to the subject at hand; he
Of sex often wrothi
While wearing his dhoti.
Gandhi’s dandhi, but sandhi and randhi.

Question 2

What, or when, was the first use of the expression “Old Fart” to describe a person?

Answer

1900 in general, possibly 1934 but the first absolutely definite use was in 1969, one track of Trout Mask Replica being titled “Old Fart At Play”

Additional Answers

Not sure, but it could be applied to the current Hawkwind lineup (Ornithological flatulence inference included).

42,376BC. That’s when caveman Zog first applied his just-invented aftershave of that name with a view to attracting cavewoman targets without having to go to the trouble of seeking them out with a club and dragging them back to Chez Zog by the hair for a Gandhiesque assignation. It is a little known fact that “Old Fart” is, despite the product remaining faithful to Zog’s original formula, now known as “Old Spice”. The effect of today’s product is identical to yesterday’s in that it brings out the caveman in its wearer and revulsion in its target.

I’m not going to re-read The Canterbury Tales to try to find it, so: “A term used by the punk subculture [late 70’s] to derogatively designate hippies as established mainstream.” The Last Words were an early punk band from Sydney. . . In 1979, Kendall played guitar on the Punks Are The Old Farts Of Today

In 1943 in English. Millenia ago in Yiddish!

It possibly emanates from the Old Blighty, whereupon multiple imported Irish stouts were consumed.

Roman reference et tu Brutus, possible one of Caligula’s more unusual games

The German word “Vater” (pronounced farter) has its roots in the Proto Indo-European language (about 3700 BC (whoever C may be)). So, yes – it’s a way old expression.

Question 3

Why does the drumming come in rather late (0m50s) in the Beatles’ “Hey Jude”?

Answer

Ringo went to the bog and the other three started to record without him.

Additional Answers

Artistic differences

Because ringo was having a widdle break

Bloody Ringo nodded off again.

John would usually just start the recording sessions with “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”, George thought this was funny, but Ringo and Paul were starting to think “He’s a Loser”, so Paul cued the band with, remember, we’re in it for the “Money (That’s What I Want)” Ringo suddenly thought “Money Can’t Buy You Love” and “I Got A Feeling” rushed out and he “Climbed In Through The Bathroom Window”, on his way back he was trying to “Act Naturally”, John noticing Ringo was taking the “Long And Winding Road”, shouted (off mic), but if you listen very hard*, you can hear him “Twist, And Shout” take it “From Me To You” “Get Back”, Ringo, in his “Misery” cries “Ob-La-Di” hell, “I’m So Tired”, just makes it just in time, sits at the kit all “Helter Skelter”, makes his cue, and in fact does NOT come in late. I can go on longer, but I only had 50 seconds.

Ringo missed the bus

Ringo nipped to the loo, my darlings.

Ringo was busy in the bathroom. Whether his lateness was due to activities related to Q2 or Q4 I don’t know.

Ringo was on the can. At least that’s what he told the rest of the band, secretly he was practicing his narration for Thomas the Tank Engine. If you listen closely you can hear Starr muttering “Well bust my buffers!”.

Yoko was in one of those moods, and crash tackled Cynthia, distracting Ringo momentarily.

Question 4

What curiousity is situated about halfway between Egglesberg and Tittmoning?

Answer

The little Austrian hamlet named Fucking

Additional Answers

Come to Fucking! – not as messy as Tittmoning or as smelly as Egglesberg!

“and”? Actually it’s a signpost. The interesting thing is that it mentions neither Egglesberg or Tittmoning. What it does, is direct tourists to the only truly interesting thing in Austria anywhere nearby. The railway that takes you to Switzerland.

A small but tasteful abstract statue in tribute to Rob Morrison and Deane Hutton

An EgglesTitt? Haha, actually I just checked the real answer but I’m not saying.

Oh, Dr. Bob. At first I thought a lady’s belly button, then looked on a map and was delighted to find ‘Mooburg’. Then looking for a link to Hitler and his Eagles’ Nest, found Fucking. So I was on the right track after all.

Ostermiething, nothing to see here, move along. But look at that – oh my, what a special place, would have thought it would be bigger.

The delightful Austrian village of Fucking. Victim of regular sign theft, host of the Festival of Fuck Bands and name giver to a pale lager called Fucking Hell. It’s not too far away from Wank.

The population of Haid, Austria. Which has the unfortunate distinction of being the closest population density to appear just a little bit to the right … THAT’S THE SPOT … of the correct answer on Google Maps’ default resolution.

What is a “curiousity”?

Question 5

What is the formula for the chemical that dilates arteries, thus causing an erection?

Answer

NO

Additional Answers

The real answer is far too boring. I find C8H10N4O2 far more stimulating.

6 drops of Chrissy Amphlet, 5 drops of Jessica Rabbit. (When the stirring’s done, may I lick the spoon?). Of course, ah-ha of course. Now for the tincture of Barry White, but I must use only a touch. For without the touch of Barry White it might destroy ME. Oops, too much. Better hold your breath, it’s starting to tick, (better hold my hand I’m feeling sick). (Hello Dad.) What have I done? (I’m Viagra, your brand new… )

H(2)0 it works for me

I thought erections were created by architects and engineers and builders, not by chemicals. Whatever do you mean, Dr Bob?

Nitric oxide – NO (as in NO means NO). If that doesn’t work Dr. Bob you could try Sildenafil citrate – C22H30N6O4S.C6H8O7, or Tadalafil – C22H19N3O4. Ah how the children chant in the street “Doctor Dob, Doctor Bob – the doctor with the floppy knob”. The shame…

NO!

Ok, I am grasping at straws here, possibly we are looking at nitro glycerine which can also be a vascular dilator that may lead to things going off. There is so much naughty potential here.

On the grounds I’m a latent feminist, decline to answer; erections are a source of bewilderment and frustration.