Sunday, January 24, 2010

Wasted a lot of precious time today, deciding what to do, and where to go. Sritama might freak out, but I'm sure she'll understand that I mean her no offence: a lot of time would be saved today, if I didn't have to be with her. I mean MY time. I don't regret being with her though.
We went to Old Delhi. I wanted to cover it all today, but thanks to the combined delays caused by Sritama and Tubla-Da (who said "Wait for 2 minutes", and came after 20 mintues), I couldn't even finish the Red Fort!There was too much fog, too soon, and we had to wrap up the entire the fort-complex, in evening light, in half an hour. There were some funny pictures taken, which, if seen in future, will make both Sritama and me laugh a lot. So, I guess it's compensated. :)
Now, the Red Fort. When I saw it for the first time, during my previous visit, I was awed by its size being exactly "as huge as shown in the movies". I wasn't lucky enough that day; so I couldn't enter the fort. this time, I had bright sunny pictures of the interior in my mind. What I saw were dark, foggy monuments. Foggy monuments, yeah: the Mughal architecture have a lot of open-air halls. And the mist was visibly moving in and out through the pillars. My cell's 2 mega-pixel camera could hardly penetrate the fog. I've gotta wait for Sritama to mail me the pictures she took with her camera. Did the fog destroy my expectations? 50:50. I'd come to Delhi to see this very fog, so I can't complain, if one thing I wanted is "over-shadowed" (literally) by the other thing I wanted, and got!
Coming back to North DU campus again, I met Joshi, and Tubla Da (again). I know how nasty I'm gonna sound, but Joshi is nothing more than good "friend material". Sritama, don't take offence, because friendship in its entirety still doesn't exist for me. Joshi, with his wit, and flexibility, and calm demeanor, fulfils the 3 most necessary requirements. He doesn't fulfil the fourth, requirement, which is equally necessary. I won't write it down. People whom I call friends, can guess.
Tubla-Da, well, we share the same blood, and the same vices. Dunnno about the opposites yet. He has better socialising and vocabulary skills than me. My cousin-cum-neighbour here, yet, I really got to know the person, after meeting him some thousands of kilometres away from home! He had a lot of fun with Sritama, each taunting each other at every opportunity. Joshi & Tubla Da discovered common friends too: they're both in the same department of the university (Law Fac)
Now, tomorrow is Agra day. I have to wake up real early, so I had to refuse Tubla Da a booze-party at my place at night. And he's joining his new job tomorrow night, so we won't be able to do it this time. Off to bed!

Time: 12 Noon
Okay, so Here I am: in a purple walled room, in the Hotel Dhwani Palace, Drugstore Wali Gali, Paharganj, New Delhi. I couldn't write during the rest of the journey, because my pen (the only one I found in my bag) ran out of ink. I reached Delhi at 9:30am. My longest journey, on train, so far. At night, I had opened the train door, and seen the fog: it was dense, and right there, right beside me. It was thrilling! I had started the visible exhalation thing since Mughal Sarai. The sun came out at 12 noon, and disappeared by 3pm. Fog all day. Awesome dense fog. I can't see a thing outside my window, so I can't blame Mr. Driver for running the train so slowly. I was wrong about fog lasting for less than six hours. As I just said, it's fog-less, for less than three hours.
I whiled the time away on the train, mostly by sleeping, and listening to the conversations of a mother and her 6-year-old son, travelling alone. The mother sounded very much like my own: both in positive and negative ways. The part I remember most clearly was:
Son: Mummy, have you ever seen a human-ghost?
Mum: Humans are ghosts, boy!
Son: No, I mean human ghosts! Not normal ghosts!
Mum: There are no ghosts at all, son. All ghosts are human beings, in reality. They make us believe that they are ghosts, to scare us, so that they can fulfill their own motives.
I recalled an exactly similar conversation that I'd had with my Mum, years ago, on the from Durgapur to Kolkata, alone, with each other. Aaah, I missed my Mum, right then, but I was scared to call her up. My fears were nullified when Mum called me herself, today morning, and told me that Dad has informed her that I'm on the way to Delhi. She sounded abnormally calm. I asked her whether she was pretending to be calm, or was she actually unruffled by the news of my sudden departure! She replied that she was pretending, with a laugh!
Anyway, I took some great pictures on the way, with my poor camera. Two of them were striking ones, in terms of "looks". :P One, while crossing the Pre-Allahabad Ganges. Amidst the fog, I could discern a miniature 2nd Hoogly Bridge, beside the bridge on which our train was stuck. My Corby lenses couldn't see them, though. The second was at a station called Maripat, today morning. An empty platform, with green grass son it, an old-fashioned black wooden over-bridge. And far across, amidst he dense white mist, tall evergreen trees. For a moment I thought we have left he plains!
The whole fog thing is awesome. The cold factor is awesome. At Mughal Sarai, yesterday morning, I recalled the last time I'd experienced such low temperatures: way back in the winters of Classes 2 and 3, at Durgapur. Thanks to global warming, winters haven't been that cold and foggy since Class 4!
When the train stopped at Aligarh, at 1-1:30am last night, the platform, right beside the door, right below the footstand, couldn't be seen. It was like a cold, watery smoke had blocked everything from view. And I realsied I have never experienced this! Never. When I breathed out, the air came out in such huge puffs, that I thought I must be smoking a cigarette! Smoking a cigarette was tough at a point! My mouth and wind-pie were too frozen to differentiate normal inhaled air, and tobacco-flavored inhaled air. And the "exhaled air" that I could see, didn't help too. I had my nerves to tell me that I have had tow puffs!
Anyway, I've wasted a lot of time, watching the television in this wonderful hotel. Staying alone in a hotel, that's again, a first time, and more importantly, a ten-year-old dream come true. I should have named this post "Purple in Paharganj", but I don't want the significant colour to be significant at all. I can see a good sign already: in all my hourly naps on the train, I had dreams, but never one with the "disturbance"! Last night though, I had a strange dream: a Muslim guy was murdering me, because I had lied to him that I was a Muslim. I had good intentions, but he thought I meant trouble. I got murdered in my dream.
I'll go out now. I'm starving.

Time: Early Morning
Forget my last post. Sritama called me 8:45pm, and asked me to give it one last try. I left for the station, and there, wow! There was the train.
So, I'm on a train now, crossing Bakhtiyarpur Junction. My blog is inaccessible, I'm penning on a diary, after some seven years I guess. I'll be posting this to my blog ASAP.
Now, why do I need to write at all? What's all the urgency? As usual, I need to write, to keep track of what I think and feel, from time to time. It's necessary because, thoughts and feelings change at an amazing speed within my brain! With such a fluctuating mind, I need to keep track of every though and feeling, so that, when I lose my sanity completely, my doctor can read these, find a pattern, and cure me. TOMG, what nonense am I talking about? Is this some long-term planning? Only last evening, Gul accused me of long-term planning! Yeah, "accused" because that isn't true! Anyway, coming to the real reason why I rushed out of my berth, rushed to the loo, and rushed back and took this diary out, is, well, the usual reason.
Muddled thoughts. Which I need to think over and clarify, and hence, write!
When I woke up, an hour ago (my co-passengers are still asleep), my first "feeling" was: WOW! I didn't dream of her! Good, great! So is this the change Delhi is about to bring this time? Okay, wonderful I want to text Sritama and tell her this, and thank her for that impulsive wild phone call last night, that's actually making me go to Delhi right now! I took my cellphone out. I'd decided to switch it off, last thing I remember at night. Now, I realize, I haven't done it. Damn. No calls, no messages. I remember the last time I was on my way to Delhi. Someone had told me that she misses me a "little", special emphasis on "little". This time, no calls. Why am I thinking things that are harmful for my mood? Forget it. But, no, wait. Even last time, she didn't mean it. So, it's still the same. There's nothing to mourn over! If, she had really missed me that night, she wouldn't have planned the Delhi-in-December trip that very night, with special emphasis on "Don't accompany me, I want to be independent." Independence, till "him". Anyway, now I know, that independence is just one of the many excuses. There had always been excuses, and they were natural. Not that there was dishonesty involved. Being with me, makes her feel dependent on me. Being with him, makes her feel "high". [smirk]
I had always been blind to it. Till the launch ride shoved it into my visibility range. Anyway, I don't want to think of all these, all over again. And again. The story is over. She is not a person anymore. She is an evil spirit, that haunts me, and brings about all sorts of negative emotions: hatred, anger, sorrow, jealousy, and of course, the suicidal urge! An evil spirit, indeed!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Time: 7:50pm
After I signed out of Blogger in the morning, I packed and left home. When I reached the station, it was announced that the train's Expected Departure time has been delayed upto 5:30pm. I came back home, went to sleep. I woke up, and went to back to the station again, this time, a little early. My train's departure time has been postponed to 10:30pm. What followed is a battle between "I should do this" and "I don't want to do this". A lot of people participated in it. Finally, I am here, back home, blogging again. The trip to Delhi has been cancelled. I don't want to talk about it, not even to myself.
I am furious with a few people right now, but then, the voice of reason shows me that the reasons of fury, are actually good signs. When the person who can re-define the meaning of care and concern for you, accuses you of not caring for her, and then, not caring for you herself, isn't it a good sign? When a person, who actually doesn't care about you, all of a sudden, is very determined to make you do something, for your own good, so much so, that it becomes suspicious, isn't it a good sign? When a person, who says that she is a responsible person, and you are her best friend, commits an act of unforgivable irresponsibility towards you, isn't it a good sign? When a person, who actually, consciously, prevented you from doing something, forces you to do it, this time, against your own wish, isn't it a good sign? Writing helps. Now, I know, it's not a few people, it's four people. Anyway, they don't know. About the Delhi trip, I never felt a thing, so I still don't feel a thing. If there's anyone I feel bad for, it's Sritama. And if there's anyone I feel good for, it's Picco. If I could have gone, it would be great, but then the forces of nature have plotted it this time. And I have more practical reasons to not to go to Delhi, now. I hope, Payal isn't right. I hope I can study now. I hope I am calm. (which I'm not at the moment, that's why the hope!)

Time: 5:50am.
I'll be leaving for Delhi within a couple of hours. And, all I feel is the cold draught coming through the window of my room. I opened it to see the change in the colour of the sky. I didn't sleep all night, so that I can sleep on the train: I'm scared that I will be bored, though I'm carrying a book to rescue me in case of emergencies. A new way of life, boredom, a new feeling, an accessory to "single-hood". I got a few calls around midnight, people asking me if I'm all packed and ready, and if I'm excited about the whole rush-trip. To both questions, my answer was NO. Delhi, has somehow, played an important role, always. Delhi brings about changes. To start with, Sritama, a person whom I talked to textually once a week, while she was in my neighborhood, became a regular tele-friend, after she went to Delhi. That was followed by the Sayak-Disha episode, which coincided with the movie "Love AajKaal" not just chronologically, but also, eventually! Then, I went to Delhi, against my wishes, with two friends, and came back to witness the most-awaited change of my life. Then, the "change" went to Delhi. And I, the person, changed after that. All I can hope for is that this sudden, uninformed of, unplanned tour (My mum still doesn't know about it) will bring about a change again. Whether it's a positive change, or a negative change, I don't care. I want to test myself. My Pride Versus My Promise (Yeah, Linkin Park, I know)
Someone accused me last evening of not having clarity of thoughts, when I blog. Given my previous blog's last few posts, she was right. But, then, that's why I was typing away on my key-board. Because I needed clarity. If I had clarity, I wouldn't bother to blog, in the first place!
This blog is suppposed to have a new approach to this new way of things. And I hope, Delhi will help me to bring that about.
Should I write down all that happened in the last few hours? What will be the new approach all about, then? For that matter, I had started a new approach a month ago. Subtracting a person from my regular life. Should I continue with that, or start something even more different? Dad's up. He's asking me to get ready. Bye. See you soon, life!
ESCAPE!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

It has been a long time, that the idea of a new blog, has been invading my thoughts. It's not that I had a lack of reasons, till now. It's just that, I needed the final trigger, the one-push. And that happened last night. I was too drunk to type, and too drunk to think of any new name other than So Sick, so I didn't. This is not a new start or anything. This is not symbolic of anything. In fact, this isn't about any definite change. The previous blog had just become too much to me, you know; like I fought with people for that blog! It was more than a literary dump-zone. It was my emotions on that page, and I hate the very concept of emotions! I was getting too involved with it; it was more than just a page, it was a medium of communication: with someone I ought not communicate to, not anymore. So before it's too late, before I got irreversibly attached to a page, I had to sever the relation, and erase all it's memories.
I hope I will rant less in this blog. Let's see...so, what next?