Horoscopes

GEMINI

Well, this is it Gemini; your month, your moment, the breath of fresh air that the world needs. But don’t let it get to your head miss thing! Actually, scratch that. Yes, you can let it get to your head, Gemini. You’ve earned it. While this is your birthday month, that does not mean you are safe from danger. There are great and powerful forces of evil that would love nothing more than to take you down. So, that means you need to tread caution when stealing candy from Bulk Barn, there is an Aquarius working there who is watching you. Stay away from the candy aisle, that’s where the Aquarius will think you’ll go, so you’ll need to surprise them, start with the savoury aisle, grab a couple of Ringalos and Honey Mustard Bagel Bites, and then make your way to the candy aisle. You’ll thank me later. Happy Birthday my beautiful and ever-changing Gemini, steal a watermelon gummy for me this month. (FYI this horoscope is only nice because I’m 100% scared of what you’ll do to me, and the universe, otherwise.)

TAURUS

Hey girl, your season is over and it is time to move on. This Taurus season, at its core, was an extension of winter, and to be quite honest it was unacceptable. I’m not saying that it’s 100% your fault that these horoscopes are late, but I will say it once I’ve fully recovered from your destructive and reckless behaviour. Goodbye, Taurus.

ARIES

Well well well, here we are again, Aries. My advice to you in the month of June is to stay away from grapefruit juice, it’s tangy and some people like that, but you are not one of them. We all know that you hate grapefruit juice but you order it anyway because it makes you feel distinguished, like you shop at Nordstrom. But you hate the taste, Aries, and we’re getting sick of your charade. Rather than subject your brunch companions to your winging and whining throughout the afternoon, just don’t order the grapefruit juice, it’s really that easy. I understand that you’re drawn to the ruby-like complexion and the illusion that it will somehow make you skinny, but it’s not worth your friend’s suffering. Be yourself for once in June, Aries.

CANCER

Do you remember that George Clooney and Vera Farmiga movie Up in the Air? It also starred a then, un-famous, Anna Kendrick, who was actually nominated for an Oscar for role in the film, LOL. Anyway, there’s a part in the movie where George Clooney is quietly sitting alone on one of his many plane rides that he takes for work. George Clooney is looking out the window when a flight attendant offers him a beverage, which Clooney accepts. As the flight attendant prepares the beverage she asks Clooney if he would “like the can, sir,” a seemingly harmless question of course. But Clooney does not hear “can, sir,” he hears “cancer.” So, in Clooney’s mind, this stewardess is asking him if he “likes cancer.” Eventually this mildly comedic moment passes, leaving George Clooney with a bemused smirk. Anyway, Cancer, your month is shaping out to be as boring as that anecdote from a film the world has long since forgotten. June is not an exciting month for you.

LEO

Why yes hello Leo how are you? Wait, don’t answer that. I’m going to keep it real, Leo. The Stars aren’t pleased with you right now, no sir. The Stars didn’t give me too much info on the drama between you two, because to be honest, they seemed pretty much over it. I think it had something to do with the fact that you didn’t RSVP for The Stars’ birthday party, but then when you did show up you brought like three other people? I mean, it’s not like the three other people inconvenienced The Stars or anything, there were enough snacks and cups to go around, it’s just that the days leading up to the party The Stars was like “oh, Leo isn’t coming I guess, they didn’t RSVP,” and I kind of covered for you and was like “oh well Leo’s been pretty busy with work and night classes and stuff,” but then the party rolls around and you show up with three other people and it makes me look kind of stupid for basically lying to all the Stars in the universe. And also, The Stars were doing their best not to seem bothered by your actions but kept asking me things like “so, was Leo just out with their three friends and remembered I had a party so they decided to swing by? Or was Leo planning on coming all along? Why didn’t they RSVP?” etc. It was weird to see The Stars so needy, and it made me uncomfortable. I’m not saying you should apologize to The Stars, but maybe take them out on a gelato date to show them that you still prioritize your friendship with them.

VIRGO

VirGO? More like VirGET out of here!!! I’ve been talking to The Stars and they basically feel like they have bitten off more than they can chew with twelve signs, so it is my duty to tell you that Virgo will be no more. The Stars want to cut their workload down from a hot twelve to a cool eleven, and you, my now non-existent Virgo, shall be the one to go. You are, White Mountain Dew, you are the McRib, you are Meghan Markle on Suits, you are NOT FOREVER my dear Virgo. Goodbye forever darling.

LIBRA

Google describes Libras as being “easy to get along with,” and “the most peaceful sign.” If this is the case, then why is Google’s fifth most famous Libra listed as Vladimir Putin? Make up your mind, Libra. You can’t have it all.

SCORPIO

“Oh no, look out for Scorpios. You better watch out honey it’s Scorpio season etc.” Ugh, get over yourselves. I considered this, and Scorpio’s are not special. I informed The Stars of the reputation Scorpios have here on earth, and to be honest, The Stars were shocked; “What? No way lol,” was The Stars’ exact response. Scorpios are like homemade pesto sauces or your hospitalized homophobic grandma; NOT intimidating. The jig is up, Scorpio, no one fears you anymore.

SAGITTARIUS

Let’s cut the preamble, I know you watched the second season of 13 Reasons Why, and I forgive you, more importantly, The Stars forgive you. There is no undoing of what you did, none. But with The Stars’ all-knowing voice in my ear, I can offer you council; delete your Netflix account. It is clear that you cannot be trusted with such a power. You could have chosen to better your mind with a mini docu-series, but you chose to binge the TV equivalent of an Ardene store for three days, and that is not okay. Remember, The Stars do not judge, but I do, and I am probably the closest you’ll ever get to communicating the literal universe. Delete your Netflix, Sagittarius, delete it now.

CAPRICORN

Capricorn, you are looking so pretty these days and the universe has taken notice! Truly. We think that you’ve started embracing a riskier colour pallet and it’s doing you a world of favours. We love. Here’s the thing though, you need to stop looking pretty, NOW. Aquarius is getting jealous of your glow up and they WILL come for you. Stay away from Aquariuses in June, they are out to steal your pretty. You’ve been warned.

AQUARIUS

Okay, listen, I get it, Capricorn is looking really pretty these days and it is obnoxious. You’re not the only one who thinks so, the universe is totally sympathetic as to why you have it out for Capricorn, and to be honest, if The Stars weren’t meant to be an unbiased cosmic force, they wouldn’t totally help you destroy Capricorn, truly. But one must be the bigger person, Aquarius. One must rise above pettiness and jealousy and make a choice to be better. Rather than try to come for Capricorn’s prettiness, maybe hang around her instead and see if some of it rubs off on you. Who knows, maybe you’ll become prettier than Capricorn and then Capricorn will be the one trying to destroy you. Yes, let’s go with that for June. Afterall, The Stars do love a bit of drama.

PISCES

Pisces, more like “Hey, it’s Pride, sis!” Get it? Pisces, more like Pride, sis? No? Fine. My wish for you in June, my selfless Pisces, is to learn to laugh at puns even if they don’t work on any level, phonetic or otherwise. Your Pride experience will be better for it.