From Eroica With Love #18

Judgment of Paris

NATO Intelligence, Bonn. The Major and the Chief were together
looking at the life-size reprint of the Judgment of Paris by
Lucas Cranach. The small oil painting on panel was one of the
numerous fine art pieces that Nazi Germany had looted from all
over the Europe during WWII to build the "Fuhrer Museum" for the
inordinate ambition of Hitler and Goring. When the defeat of
Germany became clear toward the end of the war, the Soviet army
advanced on Germany and took two and half million pieces of fine
art and cultural assets collected by Nazis to their country. More
than half of those articles were returned to Germany in the
1950s, but a million of them were still secreted in Russia. A
recent study revealed that Judgment of Paris, one of the pieces
under the jurisdiction of the former KGB, belonged to the family
of the Baron von Pliesnitz of Germany.

[Cranach painted several paintings of the same subject: the one in
this episode is another version of the
Judgment of Paris
in the Carlsruhe Museum in Paris, according to one of the characters in
this episode, an eccentric Dutch painter called Hans de Jon.]

The Russian government announced that they were willing to return
the painting to its rightful owner; in the background of this
sudden courtesy, there was the slight aggravation between NATO
and Russia on the issue of participation of Poland, Hungary and
Czechoslovakia in NATO. Russia was trying to make political use
of the item it had stolen fifty five years ago to ease the
tension. The Chief assigned Klaus to attend the ceremony to
return the painting to the Baron's family at the Hermitage in St.
Petersburg.

Klaus was not much impressed by the painting as, to him, the
three naked girls (goddesses) looked underdeveloped and too low
on fat. The Chief explained that the eroticism of small breasts
and roundish lower body was one of the charms of Cranach. Klaus
grimaced as if the Chief uttered an obscenity. The Chief warned
him that he should read up on the painter, or he would be treated
lightly by the Russian high officials at the ceremony. Klaus told
him that, before leaving, he'd read the Fine Art Collection for
Kids, the gift from Dorian when he had been in hospital after
being seriously wounded by the KGB at Istanbul in the episode
The Seventh Seal.

When Klaus was about to leave, the Chief let slip an offhand
remark that he should handle this assignment as a light exercise
after the vigorous workout at the tank corps in England. Klaus
tensed, but ignored the comment completely. "You're ashamed of
being sent back to us, aren't you?" asked the Chief. Next moment,
he dashed to Klaus and pinioned him from the back. "Oh, thank you
for coming back, Major. I'm happy, very happy." Flabbergasted,
Klaus tried to shake him off, but the Chief did not let go of
him. To get free from the embarrassing hug, Klaus had to assure
him that he did not hold a grudge on what had happened and was
content being back at the Intelligence Office. Outside the
Chief's room, the secretary told the Major that the Chief had
seemed very lonely while Klaus had been away and that he should
forgive the Chief's strange attitude. Inside the room, though,
the Chief smiled complacently. He thought showing such
patronizing sentimentalism was a good strategy to silence the
ones like Klaus who didn't like to be cared about too much.
"He'll go on with his job with no complaint." Which actually
turned out to be true.

Back in the office where every alphabet started pretending to be
concentrated on their work the moment the Major came in, he fixed
his gaze on the reprint of Judgment again. Something clicked in
his mind. He called the agent A, who was in high spirits with the
bald spot gone, to his desk. "Mr. A, you exchange emails with
Bonham, don't you?" he asked the agent, who turned pale. "Let me
remind you that I monitor all the agents' correspondence on my
computer. You informed Bonham of my return to the Intelligence
Office," he said. The poor agent swore shakily that he hadn't
spilled any important information to them. Klaus showed the
reprint to A and ordered him to spy out Lord Gloria's schedule
through Bonham and give them false information that Klaus would
stay in Bonn when the ceremony would be held.

The Earl's residence, London. When James was reproaching Dorian
for idling at home (he declined the opportunity to steal Renoir
and van Gogh), he got a call from the father and son Bakhzial in
Beirut; they told him that Salim al Sabaah, the oil prince brat
[a character who appeared in Midnight Collector and
Seven Days in September]
and successful Kuwaiti investor, had purchased
quite a few German Renaissance paintings from the Russian Mafia
in the black market lately. It was an outrage for Dorian that the
precious pieces had fallen into the hands of an ignorant snob
like Salim. With his rivalry/hostility inflamed, Dorian did a
little research on the art pieces sold by Russian smugglers. A
Russian dealer of his acquaintance taught him that the pieces
Salim had purchased were very likely the fakes distributed by a
former KGB official called Demchenko who became a Russian Mafia
member at the collapse of the Soviet Union; he used to be the
director of the facility control division under which the
plundered art pieces had been kept. His method of swindling was
to prepare counterfeits of the notable pieces and sell them to
target clients. Eroica scoffed at Salim's misfortune. Then, James
appeared with the newspaper article about the return ceremony of
Judgment of Paris at the Hermitage. Eroica at once decided to
steal the panel painting from under the nose of NATO and the
Russian government to demonstrate real professionalism and true
love of art.

St. Petersburg. At Demchenko's office. He got a call from a
certain billionaire in South America who had coveted Judgment of
Paris for a long time. The old man was coming to Spain sometime
soon, and he'd purchase Judgment at the seller's price once he
could confirm it as the real thing. A fake Judgment had been
painted a while ago and kept at Demchenko's office. He would sell
the real one (which was already in the museum for the experts'
examination) to the billionaire (whom he assumed was not reading
European newspapers closely) and have the fake returned to the
German Baron, who would get either of them for free, anyway.
Demchenko ordered his secretary to bribe the security guard of
the museum so that they could steal the authentic piece after it
was proven to be real by the experts.

Eroica, disguised as an art history professor "Gloria Doriana
Redman" from the University of Surrey, forcibly joined the group
of Western scholars assembled at the Hermitage Museum to
scrutinize Judgment a day before the ceremony. Professor
Redman's radical feminist attitude chased every member of the
group away. No one dared to check on her identification in fear
of her hyper-sensitive feminist attack. Incessantly screaming
"sexual harassment" and "discrimination," Eroica went through the
investigation on the security system of the room where the
Cranach was stored. In doing so, he secretly admired the intense
aura the painting was radiating.

The reception room of the museum. The officials in charge and the
current German Baron were there to get ready for the next day's
ceremony. The presence of hard-featured men glowering at the
people made them feel somewhat uneasy. They were Mischa, Polar
Bear and Iron Klaus. [Note: Mischa and Polar Bear are still active
as intelligence agents for the Exterior Intelligence Office of
the Russian Federation -- #15: Nosferatu.] Mischa pointed at the
Major. "NATO must be in some kind of plot to disgrace Russia.
They wouldn't have sent a know-nothing of fine art into this kind
of ceremony otherwise!" Klaus honestly told him that he was there
for the friendship mission between NATO and Mischa's country.
Polar Bear brought up the subject of the recent friction between
German and British armies in Salisbury base in England
[Lt. Col. Eberbach]. Mischa mocked
Klaus by calling him the "boomerang
Major". Klaus retorted that being a boomerang was better than
being an ex-labourer in Siberia. Polar Bear stopped them at the
threat of fisticuffs and they followed the people heading to the
ceremony hall for rehearsal. In the corridor, they passed by the
group of art experts who had finished examining the Cranach
piece. Gloria Doriana Redman peeked out from under the settee in
the corridor and whistled at the sight of the three. Not having
anticipated the Major to be among the NATO representatives who
were to witness his extraordinary performance, exhilarated Eroica
declared to Bonham and James that he'd leave a clear Eroica
signature on this work.

The Hermitage, late at night. One of the two security guards
pointed out to his senior that the monitoring camera was not
catching the image of the painting. The sweating, extremely
nervous-looking security guard fixed the camera angle with
shaking hands. Bribed and threatened by the Demchenko gang, he
had purposefully directed the camera off-angle from the painting
so that the Demchenko's man could replace the fake Cranach with
the real one. The easel in the room was now holding the fake
piece.

A little later (one in the morning), Eroica again in the dreadful
Redman disguise came back to the museum to complete the easy
task. She shrieked at the exhausted-looking security guard that
she must go back to the room of the painting to get the material
a stupid Russian officer had left there; "I need it to write a
paper which I have to submit by tomorrow!" she said, snatched the
key from the hand of the frightened guard, and entered the room.
Redman reached to the camera, moved its angle pretending to probe
for something on the shelf, took the painting, put it in her
shoulder bag and left. Thus Eroica's face was surely caught by
the video camera and the Cranach was now his, or so he thought.

At four in the morning, Klaus in the hotel room (already up and
just out of shower) received a call from an official of the
German Foreign Ministry. There was a problem and they needed him
at the museum immediately. The call from the Chief followed. In
the car, a German official informed him of the robbery of the
Cranach. Klaus reminded him that the case should come under the
jurisdiction of Russians (and none of his business), but the
official ordered him to collaborate with Mischa and Polar Bear in
search of the stolen piece, which was the mission NATO assigned
him in compliance with the agreement between the German and
Russian governments. When Klaus was about to protest against the
cooperation with Mischa, he was given the second blow. "That bald
Russian testified that the thief was your acquaintance." He
presented Klaus the picture of the thief caught by the security
camera. "The art thief calling himself 'Eroica'." Klaus was taken
aback by the fierce-looking woman in the picture.

After hearing what had happened briefly, Klaus vehemently blamed
the lazy security guards who took their eyes off the screen for a
good ten minutes while Eroica was with the painting. But then,
Mischa stormed in and told Klaus not to buck-pass the
responsibility upon the museum's security system. He was
thoroughly convinced that Klaus and Eroica together were in the
NATO conspiracy to disgrace Russia. In turn, Klaus reproached
Mischa's country for trying to cover up their mess by the false
accusation of NATO. When the mood in the room was starting to
take a seriously ugly look, Mischa and Klaus were strictly warned
by their superiors and reminded of their mission to collaborate
with each other. To both ones' disgust, a former KGB building in
Moscow was prepared as their joint investigation HQ. Mischa
mockingly asked Klaus if he needed a guide. "No thanks," the
Major answered. The German diplomat emphatically reminded Klaus
to be more friendly with Mischa before leaving him. On the way
out of the museum, Klaus bit his lips. "For the sake of mission,
I'll put up with the suspicion-swelled Russians all right. But
what I can't stand is the fucking queer who brazen-facedly showed
off his robbery in front of me. After all, he's the origin of all
the misfortunes of mine -- he was the one who made me the boomerang
Major, and the one who trapped me in the cooperation with
Mischa."

Moscow. The Alphabets arrived at the former KGB building where
NATO and the Russians were given separate rooms. They saw a
middle-aged woman with a moustache knitting in front of the
telephone in the conference room. In their assigned room, the
Major was standing on the chair on the desk and checked the
florescent tubes on the ceiling. Klaus signed them to hush and
debug the entire room first. When they thought all the bugs were
removed, Klaus told them in a loud voice that the woman with the
moustache was Mischa's fifth wife. The alphabets got hysterical.
Klaus looked outside the door, but there was no commotion in the
corridor (which meant the room was cleared of the devices; or
Mischa would have rushed into their room in rage). Klaus started
the briefing. The picture of the thief was discouraging enough
for the Alphabets even before they started the work. The Major
wrote an email to Eroica through A's address to Bonham.

Subject:

Bastard!

Message:

Return the painting at once, you fucking faggot! Mischa is furious,
too. I'll draw every drop of your blood if you keep on getting in my way!

-- Klaus Heinz von dem Eberbach

Mr. A sent the email to Bonham. Klaus guessed Dorian was watching the
Cranach contentedly in some hotel room in St. Petersburg, which
was true, but not exactly as Klaus imagined.

Dorian was perplexed in front of the Cranach placed on the chair.
Something was awfully wrong. It looked like Cranach, but the aura he
felt the previous day at the examination room was gone. He put
out a magnifying glass and scrutinized the painting. He was
appalled to discover that the tiny amoretto on the upper left
corner of the painting was sticking out his tongue, which wasn't
that way in the original painting. Dorian crossly asked Bonham to
call a Dutch painter Hans de Jon in Amsterdam. The eccentric
painter was a genius in forging Northern Renaissance painters'
works, and once or twice in the past Eroica and his party
commissioned him to paint some fakes, too. Eroica was convinced
that the Cranach in his hand was one of his copies.

Amsterdam. Hans de Jon when received Eroica's call was possessed
by Albrecht Dürer. [Click
here to see
how Hans de Jon looks and
is dressed. It's Dürer's self-portrait at the age of 26, in
Prado Museum.]

Eroica asked him point blank if the Cranach in Russia was his
work. Hans admitted that it was and asked Eroica where he had
seen it, out of curiosity. "It's classified information,"
answered Eroica. To his question who commissioned him to forge
the Cranach, Hans merrily answered it was classified information,
too. Eroica barked at him.

The Bruegel alterpiece in the St. Thomas Church in Ten Helder and
the half of the Grunewalt in the Frankfort Museum are yours, are
they not!? I heard the prisons in Holland treat their inmates
nicely. You could spend the rest of your life teaching fellow
convicts how to paint.

Hans, shocked by Eroica's uncharacteristically severe tone,
confessed that he painted the counterfeit requested by Demchenko,
the former KGB and now a boss of Russian Mafia. Eroica also
learned from him that Demchenko had the real one and was planning
to sell it to a billionaire in South America. Hans de Jon warned
him it was too dangerous to get involved with the Russian Mafia.
Eroica retorted:

Dorian:

It's a rule with me to obtain what I once went after. I cannot stand
being palmed off with such a counterfeit!

Hans:

[all excited] ...You stole that!? A virtuoso like you was
deceived by my fake!? Christ, this is funny, really funny!

Dorian:

Say one more word, and you'll lose my business! [and he hung up]

Hans:

[in shock] What an attitude for the elegant Earl of Gloria!

Being cheated by Demchenko just as Salim had been infuriated
Eroica. Then the Major's email came to Bonham's address. Eroica
replied to the mail at once with lots of exclamations.

Subject:

Sod off!

Message:

It's you who shouldn't get in my way!!!!! I'm awfully angry!!!! Upon
my honour, I'll get the painting!!!!

-- Dorian Red Gloria

Then he told Bonham to ignore any mail from the Major from now
on. "This isn't the time to be dealing with the Major." He must
see Demchenko and find out the whereabouts of the real Cranach
before it was sold to the billionaire.

Klaus had no trouble interpreting the strange mail. "This means
Eroica was palmed off with a counterfeit." His insight impressed
agent A. Then the extraordinary nervousness of one of the
security guards came back to the Major's mind. "Someone might
have switched the real one with a fake before Eroica took it."
The younger guard testified that the camera had gone off-angle
once before Eroica sneaked in the room. He sent agent A to search
the senior guard on the possibility of involvement in the case.
As Mischa's men were told to tail after A, two parties started
keeping eye on the poor guard off-duty, who was forbidden
mentioning the theft by the authority. He realized he was watched
by both the German and Russian intelligence organizations. At
wit's end, the guard made a call to Demchenko against the Mafia's
order not to contact them directly.

The news that the fake had been stolen by the world-renowned art
thief and that both NATO and Russian intelligence agents started
the investigation in strict confidentiality disconcerted
Demchenko. Among all, the most disquieting was the Russian in
charge of the case -- Mischa the Cub, an out-and-out secret agent
with no prospect of being softened by a bribe. He knew him very
well since the days in the KGB. Keeping the painting at hand
became too dangerous. He made up his mind to immediately get out
of the country to Spain and sell the painting to the billionaire.
When his secretary was given instructions for necessary
arrangements with the customer in South America, someone referred
to by one of the smugglers came to see Demchenko at his office.
They introduced themselves as the president of Gate Gallery of
London (Bonham) and his secretary Wellington (Dorian in a striped
suit, eyeglasses and his hair all-back and tied behind).
Wellington explained one of their clients was asking for German
Renaissance paintings. "For example?" Demchenko asked. "The piece
such as Cranach's Judgment of Paris," Wellington answered
provocatively. Demchenko smiled as three bodyguards entered the
room. "Wonderful. So, which organization are you from?" The
bodyguards assaulted the two and took their passports and a
credit card (the card was meant to be left at Demchenko's office;
it was a card-type radio microphone).

It was the unfortunate agents D and E who found James sitting on
the street in the classic Japanese beggar's fashion and waiting
for the Earl and Bonham to come out of Demchenko's office
building. The two R/T'd the Major for instructions.

Surrounded by the burly bodyguards, Wellington told that they
were in fact the messengers from Salim al Sabaah who, having
discovered he had been cheated, was extremely angry and demanding
Judgment as an apology. He added that they knew the one in the
museum was a fake and Demchenko had the real one at this office.
Demchenko said it was spoken for. "Too bad, Salim is willing to
pay double the price," Wellington said. Dorian thought the time
was running short. Demchenko smiled. "If he wants it that much,
please tell him to wait another couple of months. In the
meantime, I may be able to convince my client to give up the
painting." It was apparent that he'd have Hans de Jon paint
another fake and sell it to Sabaah. Just about to make a move to
leave the room, the two were stopped by Demchenko. "You should
wait until we talk to Sabaah and confirm your identification."
"Take your time," Dorian and Bonham smiled in cold sweat when...

...the agents D and E rushed into the room, chasing James. Eroica
and Bonham took advantage of the timely confusion to escape from
the window with James. They easily shook off D's and E's chase.
The alphabets' report that the bodyguards of the suspicious
trading company had gone after Eroica interested Klaus very much.
Demchenko not being a handsome homosexual of Dorian's penchant,
the Major was almost certain that the real Cranach was in the
company. He gave an order to investigate Demchenko & Co.

Back in the hotel room, Eroica and the two others eavesdropped on
the conversation which took place at Demchenko's office. James
complained about the expense of the card microphone, but Dorian
persuaded James to be cooperative in this project of selling the
fake to Sabaah after they would take possession of the real one.
"You can profiteer from the deal as much as you want. Aren't you
happy?" The verb "profiteer" kept on working like magic which
would propel James in some critical moments in the story.

The scene in which German-speaking intruders chased his
nondescript British guests in front of him confused Demchenko and
made him even more wary. He packed the painting and was getting
ready to leave. To Dorian and Bonham's bewilderment, their
exchange through the device revealed that the billionaire to whom
Demchenko would sell the painting was a former Nazi criminal
hiding in Uruguay; the eighty year old man had coveted the
Cranach for 60 years since he first set eyes on the painting
among the collection of Goring, the head of the Luftwaffe. In great
excitement, the Nazi criminal promised Demchenko to fly to Spain
right off with his two grandsons. Demchenko left the office to
the airport with his interpreter/secretary.

Bonham suggested that Dorian pass the information to the Major
because "there's no statute of limitations for Nazi criminals."
Dorian would do so after he stole the real Cranach. With the fake
Cranach in James's backpack, the three departed to Jaen, Spain.

In the park in Moscow. Mischa was being briefed by one of his
subordinates on the security guard, when the Major appeared to
have a word with him. Klaus was to offer Mischa the veracious
information that Eroica stole a fake Cranach and that the real
one was in the hands of a Russian illicit art dealer who might
sell it outside the country. Mischa, still doubtful of the
Major's motivation, snorted that Klaus came to purposefully
confuse their investigation by making Russians villains. Klaus
refrained from telling about Demchenko and declared that he would
give them no more collaboration. After the Major left, Mischa
urged his man to go on with the report on the guard: the person
who had referred the man to the museum was the former KGB agent,
Andrei Demchenko. The moment he heard the name of the most wicked
official who had feathered his own nest in the office, it dawned
on Mischa that Iron Klaus had really intended to share the
critical information with them. Mischa knew Demchenko too well
and bore him a bitter grudge from the experiences of the KGB
period. He was certain Demchenko was the mastermind of the case.

NATO Intelligence sent the woman with the moustache to Demchenko
& Co. Wearing a bug, she made an embarrassing scene at the
reception desk and corkscrewed Demchenko's destination in Spain.
(NATO had to pay her with an Hermes scarf in return.) Jaen, the
third largest city in Andalucia. The report from the alphabet at
the Iberia Airline office in the city confirmed the information.
Klaus and the alphabets were heading to Jaen after one stop at
Bonn. Mischa's subordinates followed their moves.

Polar Bear and Mischa went to request the authority to keep the
case strictly secret and postpone the ceremony until they
retrieved the painting. Mischa was going to Spain while Polar
Bear would investigate Demchenko for indictment in Russia.

Barajas Airport, Madrid, Spain. The old man from Uruguay in a
wheelchair, accompanied by his grandson, Carlos (Banderas in his
youth is his model), was met by Michael (blond and blue eyes),
Carlos's big brother, who had been there a day ahead for the
necessary arrangements. Their exchange tells us that the old man
is partial to his fair grandson (because of the genes of blond
hair and blue eyes) and harsh to the dark one, who is regardless
so caring and protective of the senile Nazi that not only the
Earl, but many readers started falling for him. Michael assured
the eighty year old that Demchenko would arrive the following day
to deliver the Cranach. They left the airport for Jaen.

Eroica and James were watching Demchenko's appearance outside the
town of Jaen. A flashy Mercedes rarely found in the country came
and, while Dorian was observing, there came out a handsome, dark
youth. It was Carlos. Carlos set eyes on Dorian and lowered the
sunglasses to better look at him, as he was impressed by Dorian's
perfect blond hair and blue eyes. Inspired, Dorian went to talk
to him (James whined).

Dorian:

Hola.

Carlos:

Hola. You German?

Dorian:

No, English.

Carlos:

Perdón.

Dorian:

Are you Germanophile? Your car is a Mercedes.

Carlos:

This is not mine.

Dorian:

Do you have a German lover with blond hair and blue eyes? The German I
love is a dark-haired tough guy. Do you favour a British with blond hair
and blue eyes?

Carlos completely ignored Dorian and left for the bus terminal.
James jeered at Dorian for being cold-shouldered. While Dorian
talked about the E-series Mercedes on the cellular phone to
Bonham on the watch at the terminal, Demchenko arrived on the bus
and disappeared in the very car Dorian was referring to.
Meddlesome local people swarmed to Dorian and James, offering
more information than they needed: the Mercedes was owned by a
squire and the local celebrity called Carpio, and the present
head of the family was a young dentist practicing in Madrid; the
whole family and farm were practically run by the seasoned
butler; and the dark-haired young man in the Mercedes appeared to
be a guest of the family, not a member. The three drove to the
mansion of the family through the vast olive fields, guided by
another local. The estate was surrounded by a tall iron fence
with tight security system and guarded by dozens of Dobermans and
German Shepherds at large in the property. Dorian smirked, but
there was no time to waste, as another German Shepherd (the
Major) was certainly following them. They were to go back to the
town once and elaborate a plan to get inside the house.

The innocent young couple of the Carpio family -- Benito and Pilar -- tended to
feel ill at ease whenever they came home to Jaen from
Madrid, particularly in front of the stern butler, Pablo. They
had lunch at "Santa Catalina" in the town every Wednesday when
they stayed in Jaen. Benito asked Pablo if they should invite
Herr Hauser, the friend of Benito's late grandfather staying in
the guest house with his grandsons, to the lunch at the
restaurant. "Herr Hauser has visitors from Russia at the moment,"
Pablo snapped. "He is too old for the invitation, and it is my
job to take care of the friend of your grandfather." [Spain at
the period of the Franco government was pro-Nazi and many Nazi
criminals were harbored by their Spanish friends.]

At the guest house, Hauser paid $50 million in cash for Judgment
of Paris to Demchenko, who was going to stay out of Russia for
awhile. While the old geezer held the painting in ecstasy, his
grandsons wondered what was so good about the painting of skimpy
little girls.

Cordoba, Spain. Klaus was briefed by the agent A about the
movements of Eroica and Demchenko. Not knowing the involvement of
the old Nazi criminal from Uruguay, Klaus deduced that the
painting had been sold to the wealthy Carpio and Eroica was
planning to steal it from them. The Major collected some
information on Carpio from the local agent, including the
couple's lunch at a restaurant every Wednesday.

The restaurant "Santa Catalina" in Jaen. Benito was handed a
rough sketch of him and his wife by a waiter. They looked at the
sender of the sketch, who was a flamboyant British artist called
himself Dorian Greene. The president of Gate Gallery of London
(Bonham) explained to the couple that they were preparing for the
artist's exhibition in Spain. Following suit of any local
celebrities, the Carpio couple were too easily charmed by artists
and intellectuals. They invited them to their house. While the
couple and the artist were chatting, the chief of the local
tourist bureau came to Benito and said there was someone he would
like Benito to meet. It was a German travelogue writer who
happened to be staying in Spain with his secretary. The painter
and the president of Gate Gallery became tense to see the writer,
Klaus Schmidt (with eyeglasses on) and his secretary Hans (Mr. A).
Benito introduced the German writer to the English artist, asking
if they had known each other. Sparks of hostility were emitted
between Greene and Schmidt.

Dorian:

Honoured to meet you. With your prose clear and simple yet full of
surprises, your books are my favorite read. (How outrageous that Iron
Klaus is disguised as a writer! It a sheer Spanish madness.)

Klaus:

I remember seeing one of your paintings at a shabby suburban café.
(The wiseacre calls himself an artist, liar!)

both:

(I'll never give you Judgment of Paris, never!)

[Click here for
illustration of Klaus and Dorian as "Greene" and "Schmidt".]

Benito and Pilar invited the two parties to their house at ten
o'clock in the evening. All excited for the rare opportunity of
having cultural celebrities at their residence, they would summon
the local friends (snobs) and have a party. After they left, the
writer declared to his poor secretary that, a reticent writer as
he was, the secretary had to deal with the local chatterboxes.

Mischa and his men were also in Spain and they tracked the
movements of Eroica, Demchenko and the Major. Mischa also came to
the same assumption as Klaus that Eroica was going to steal the
painting from the Carpio estate. Mischa, pretending to be a buyer
from a Russian food company to import olive oil from Spain, took
the chance to approach Benito on his way back home from the
restaurant. Benito told him about Dorian Greene and Klaus Schmidt
they invited to the party at evening. Mischa, genuinely excited
with reason, said he was a big fan of both who were also popular
in Russia, and begged Benito for the opportunity to meet the
painter and writer in person. Gullible Benito invited "Ivanovich"
to the party, too. Mischa was again convinced that the Major and
Eroica had been conspiring right from the start.

Pablo the butler warned Hauser's grandsons to keep low profiles
in the guest house that night, as unknown German, Russian and
British guests were coming to their estate. He was particularly
wary of the German who might be the special agent after Nazi
criminals.

Carpio residence, at night. Eroica was certain that the target
painting was inside the guest house with the Nazi criminal. He
was met by Klaus and Mischa outside the house. Bickering among
themselves, they went inside. "Mr. Greene must be interested in
the art collection of the family," said Mischa alias Ivanovich,
who guessed the concerned painting might be hidden among the
family collection. The butler guided them to the art room filled
with works of the Spanish artists. Mischa told Klaus that Cranach
didn't appear to fit the category of Carpio's art taste.

Dorian:

Could be love at first sight.

Klaus:

Even so, does that dupe [meaning Benito] have the nerve to get
involved in a smuggling business?

Mischa:

But Demchenko came to this house for sure.

Dorian:

It could be the butler who purchased the painting. Besides, the
Cranach is most certainly hidden in this room from my experience
as an art thief.

Klaus:

[frowning] You mean, that butler sneaks in this room to look
at the Cranach?

Dorian:

Cranach's women have a mysterious power, which an oaf like you won't
understand forever, dear.

Dorian's loquacity made the other two suspicious. Then Pilar
emerged to take them to the party room. The gaudy sight of the
local guests scared Klaus and Mischa away. Dorian unconcernedly
asked the butler about the guests staying in the guest house .
The butler said they had gone to Granada for a couple of days,
which Dorian didn't buy.

Mischa soon got a splitting headache in the frenzy of the
Spaniards' party. Women rattled on to each other like machine
guns, a man suddenly started dancing Flamenco with no apparent
reason, and a poet (a local policeman) kept on reciting his own
poems while no one was listening. The disorder was torture for
a Russian like Mischa. He went to ask for a headache pill to the
German writer who stood in front of the French door with his back
to the people. After several bellows, Klaus Schmidt turned to look
at Ivanovich. He was wearing earplugs. Mischa and Klaus managed
to get out of the party leaving Eroica to take care of the racket
until the soporific they put in everyone's glasses started
working. When the last one fell asleep, Dorian called the butler
in mimic of Benito with the recorded party noise as the
background sound and told him to go to sleep but leave the gate
open. Time to go on with the business.

Eroica sent Bonham to the art collection room while he and James
(carrying the fake Cranach on his back) headed for the guest
house in the dark. He was sure that the old man was in the house
with the painting. "Old people's bedroom should be on the first
floor, and people keep precious objects close at hand."

Bonham listened inside the art room through the door. There were
sounds as if someone was moving around for search and even the
voice of the Major. Bonham R/T'd Eroica in hushed voice that the
yard was clear of the Major. Then the agent A and Mischa's man
opened the door in front of Bonham; they knew what Eroica was
after was not in the room. Bonham heard recorded voice of the
Major.

Inside the old man's bedroom. The real Cranach was hung on the
wall. Eroica whispered James that they would replace the fake
with the real one. But James vehemently refused to leave the fake
there, which meant he'd lose the means by which he could
"profiteer". James and Eroica struggled over the fake painting in
front of the sleeping old man. When they returned to themselves,
the old man sat up on the bed and stared at them. Then there was
a voice of one of his grandsons upstairs, calling his brother's
attention to the noise below. James snatched the fake and jumped
out of the window before Eroica, claiming the painting was his.
"Thieves!" the decrepit old man yelled with the toothless mouth.
Eroica followed James to the yard, but lost sight of him. Inside
the room, Carlos and Michael called the butler in the main house
to report on intruders and tried to calm down the old man, who
was utterly confused to see the painting was still hanging on the
wall.

As Dorian was about to look for which way James had fled, the
Major appeared blocking his way.

Klaus:

The Cranach is inside this house, ja!? Looks like you failed to steal
it, though. Own up! [strangling Dorian]

Dorian:

It's midnight. Let's be quiet, Major.

Then they heard a sharp cry of James somewhere else in the huge yard.

Dorian:

That's Mr. James' voice!

Klaus:

Forget that garbage!

Dorian:

He took Judgment of Paris away from me!

Klaus:

[pushing Dorian down on the ground and dashing] Say it first,
schwachkopf [idiot]!

The Major's "Schwachkopf!" made Carlos and Michael inside the
guesthouse turn pale with consternation. A nondescript German was
sneaking around them. They asked for Pablo's help.

At the time, James was being caught by Mischa and his men. For
fear of being heard by Iron Klaus, they snatched with great
reluctance the body of James who firmly held on to the painting,
and took him in the car. They started the car, but one of
Mischa's men became so sick of his smell that they had to stop to
put James in the compartment -- with the lid slightly open because
the subject was a live perishable.

Klaus and Dorian saw Mischa's car leaving. To Dorian's
disappointment, Klaus told him coolly there was no need for him
to chase them because they were on the same assignment. Dorian
pleaded him to retrieve at least Mr. James from Mischa. Klaus said,
"Better worry about yourself than the garbage. Listen. They
released the guard dogs. Run to the gate, now!"

They ran for their lives toward the main gate. The barks of
ferocious dogs got closer and closer. The butler let the dogs go
and closed the gate right after he got a call from the Hausers.
The agent A, having overheard the conversation between the butler
and an employee about the thieves and the dogs, set fire to some
indoor plants to distract their attention and Bonham opened the
gate and cut the main power of the entire house.

In the meantime, Klaus and Dorian were caught up by the herd of
snarling dogs. Reaching to his pocket, Klaus asked Dorian if he
too was equipped with the ultrasonic device to keep the dogs
away. "Of course," Dorian answered, only to find out that he had
dropped it when he had fallen from the old man's bedroom window.
Dorian stood right next to Klaus, biting his lips.

Klaus:

Use your own, quick!

Dorian:

I lost mine somewhere.

Klaus:

Then go find it. I'll leave.

Dorian:

[following Klaus closely behind] I don't like dogs, Major! I
have a bad memory of being chased by dogs when I first broke into a
house to steal. I was fourteen. [A dog bites the hem of his jacket.]
Waaah, Major!

Klaus:

What a troublesome thief! You should have given up being a thief at
the age of fourteen!

Dorian:

That was also retaliation for being cheated by a fake.

Klaus:

So what!? [Dorian was now holding on to Klaus from behind with
his arms around the Major's waist, with his eyes closed.] Are you
scared of the dogs, or you just want to cling to me, which is
your real purpose!?

Dorian:

Both.

Klaus:

You've got a nerve. I'll feed you to the dogs!

When the Major was trying to push him out of the safety zone,
they saw the cars of the agent A and Bonham coming.

Dorian:

Do it, and you'll lose your Alphabets' respect!

Klaus:

A and Bonham, shit!

[Click here for
illustration of Klaus and Dorian being menaced by the dogs.]

Klaus shoved Dorian onto the car driven by A and followed him,
guarding themselves against the angry dogs. He ordered the agent
A to be careful not to run over the dogs.

Dorian:

[scowling at the Major] You're kind to dogs.

Klaus:

They are loyal and don't lie.

As a matter of fact, Dorian had to tell many lies to the Major
who started investigating him in the car: i.e. they successfully
took the real Cranach, but James fled with the painting because
he was jealous of the young grandson of the billionaire, and that
Dorian knew nothing about the old man save he was from Uruguay.

Klaus:

He betrays you out of jealousy!?

Dorian:

He's Mr. James.

Klaus:

I don't understand why you still keep such a bugger.

Dorian:

He's endearing in his own way. Tell Mischa to give him back.

Klaus:

Beg him yourself!

Mr. A stopped the car in front of Mischa standing by his car. Mischa
grumbled that the accountant had managed to escape from the
compartment with the painting. Dorian turned upon Mischa with the
accusation that he might have killed and buried James somewhere.
Bonham assured Dorian that James would be back to his lordship no
matter how. As there was some reason, Klaus decided to watch
Eroica and Bonham until the stingy bug was back, while Mischa and
his men went searching the olive fields.

Klaus stood in front of Eroica's hotel, assuming a position to
wait for James' return.

Dorian:

If you stay there until morning, all the town will start gossiping
about you.

Klaus:

My men will come to replace me.

Dorian:

You must be tired, Major. Why don't you come up and get some sleep in
my bed?

Klaus:

Then the jealousy-driven garbage shall appear in your scenario?

Dorian:

Oh, that's a great idea! Let's give it a try, darling.

Klaus:

[inhaling the cigarette] I restrain myself because it's still
at night, you know that?

Dorian:

Your angry whisper is awfully sexy.

The agent A stopped Klaus from charging at Dorian with clenched
fists. Eroica and Bonham took to their room, where yet another
surprise waited for them. There was James falling asleep on the
floor firmly holding the fake painting in his arms. Dorian sighed
a sigh of relief that the Major didn't follow him to the room.
The two mapped out a plan: they'd make a color copy of the fake
painting, paste it onto a panel, which they would give to James
who couldn't tell the color copy from the painting, and use the
fake painting to fish out the old Nazi for a cunning negotiation.
In the morning, James was given sleeping pills and Bonham in
disguise was sent to a copy shop.

At the guest house of the Carpio estate. The old man was shown
the pictures of three foreigners caught by the security
monitoring video -- Mischa, Klaus and Dorian. He pointed at the
man with long, curly blond hair as one of those who had stolen
Judgment of Paris the previous night. Michael reminded him that
the painting was still on the wall, but the old man insisted it
could be a fake. Appalled, Michael took the painting down to his
grandfather's lap and told him to check it closely. "It's fifty
million bucks, grandpa. Take a good look at it!" he said. The old
man was losing his confidence. "It looks slightly different from
last night, but I don't know." Before Dorian even attempted, they
were trapped in the cobweb of doubt that the painting they had
was a fake. Carlos's testimony that the Englishman had come to
talk to him the day Demchenko arrived further convinced the old
man and Michael that the thief had long planned the robbery.
Hauser assigned Michael to get the thief and retrieve the
Cranach, then ordered Carlos to look for the German of the photo.
"In case he's a Nazi hunter, you know what to do, don't you?"
"I'll finish him off," Carlos answered.

Carlos took out a gun from a locked drawer. Michael warned him to
be careful, as it was not South America. Carlos, with suddenly
energized eyes, reminded his brother how Nazi hunters were vile
and dangerous. Michael thought, "a gun in his hand changes this
guy's personality completely. I took blue eyes and blond hair
after grandpa, whereas my brother inherited the genes of the Nazi
officer's cold-bloodedness from him." Carlos with another
personality left to go after Klaus Schmidt.

In the main house of Carpio, Pablo calmly tried to convince the
confused-looking Benito that the previous night's party had been
successful and the foreigners had left satisfied. Nothing could
be better than sending the couple off to Madrid in blissful
ignorance. An employee came to deliver an envelope to the
Carpio's guests. Pablo found a color copy of the painting inside.
The message said, "to know more about the painting, call this
number." Pablo called for Michael.

A ring. Dorian picked up his cell phone.

Dorian:

Hola! Carlos?

Michael:

I'm Michael!

Dorian:

Oh, the old man has another grandson.

Michael:

What do you want, thief!?

Dorian:

'M hired by Demchenko.

Michael:

What!?

Dorian:

Listen, his clients are shown the real paintings, pay the money, then
Demchenko dispatches me to sneak in their houses and replace the real
thing with a fake. That's how he does his business. The Russian and
German there last night were also sent from him to witness my job.

Michael:

Then, you replaced the painting with...

Dorian:

But I was seen by the old man, you know. Demchenko told me he wouldn't
pay me fee because I made a mistake. I'm quite pissed with that bloody
Russian, so I decided to return the real Cranach to your granddad in
exchange for the fake. I'll bring the imitation back to Demchenko. I
just want to get even with him.

Michael:

Sounds too good to be true. There must be something else.

Dorian:

If you don't trust my words, I'll shred the painting into pieces and
send them back to you. I have no interest in fine art.

The old man became frantic at the remark and told Michael to
accept his proposal. Michael asked where to meet for exchange.
Dorian said it would be the place where many people would
gather....

In the town of Jaen, Carlos (and the Carpio's employees) saw
several Germans (the alphabets) loitering in front of a hotel
(where Eroica was staying). Carlos suspected they could be
associated with the last night's German. Then agent B came to the
grouchy Major and fumbled about a man witnessed by locals, who
had made a color copy of an old panel painting with three naked
girls: without doubt Bonham and the Cranach. The Major exploded
at B's rambling explanation. "Get to the point, schwachkopf!" The
same "schwachkopf!" Carlos had heard the previous night helped
the amateur assassin spot his target. The Major and the alphabets
went up to raid Eroica's room. Dorian and Bonham escaped from the
window by a hair's breath. Eroica waved at the Major from on top
of the roof a little distance away. "Come get the painting,
dear!" Dorian exclaimed cheerfully, with his index fingers on
both sides of his head pointing at the raging Major, who was
again stopped by the agent A from chasing the thieves on the
roofs. They found James in deep sleep, tightly clutching the
color copy pasted on a wood panel. While they were watching,
James giggled and said, "profiteer!" in his sleep. Feeling sick,
they left the room. The agent A suggested that, considering
Eroica's gesture, he had meant to tell the Major to come to the
bullfight arena. Outside the hotel, Carlos heard the alphabets
called his target "Major". If he was a German military officer,
he must be after his grandfather. He was thrilled.

A huge fighting bull is charging at him; a cloud of people are
cheering "Toro! Toro!" and two big horns are approaching him at a
great speed. Surprised, Klaus woke up from the nap. He found
himself dozed off in a sitting position on a chair, exhausted
from the sleepless night. "The afternoon languor of Spain is a
demon." He brushed off the bangs with his fingers.

Here's how Klaus interpreted the series of Eroica's actions: he
stole the real Cranach from the guest house successfully but did
not leave the fake there; James fled with the original and
sneaked back to the hotel room somehow, therefore both the real
one and the fake were in Eroica's hands now; Bonham made a color
copy to temporarily deceive James, and the two were gone with
both paintings. Eroica tried to bring the Major out to the arena
to show off another outrageous performance of his. Then Klaus
arrived at a quite unfair conclusion for no apparent reason.
"He's poor. He's after money, too." Eroica would trade with the
billionaire at the arena, giving him the fake in exchange of a
huge sum of money.

Mischa and his men searched the olive fields for James to no
avail under the glaring sun. They came back to the town and found
the agent G around the Earl's hotel. Threatened by Mischa, G took
them to Eroica's room where James was asleep. Mischa ordered him
to R/T the Major. In the course of the familiar bickering on the
radio, the Russians learned from Klaus that Eroica would appear
in the bullfighting arena with the painting. Mischa and his men
followed G to the arena. A little after the door was shut behind
them, James opened his eyes. He was feigning sleep and listened
to their conversation. He was upset because Eroica put him to
sleep and left him alone. James departed to the arena, too.

The arena entrance area. Michael and the old man were in the car.
The fair grandson told the old man to stay in the car with the
supposedly fake painting while he would negotiate with the thief
in the arena. The cranky old geezer didn't like being treated by
his grandsons as an invalid senile. He ordered the Carpio's
chauffeur to drive around for a while. Then he saw one of the
thieves he had witnessed in his bedroom groping on the ground; it
was James looking for an admission ticket. The chauffeur dragged
James inside the car. James became the old man's hostage.

When cross-dressed Eroica (pants and a pair of riding boots)
started looking for the Major among the spectators and Klaus
and Mischa were after Eroica, the bullfighting started. Eroica
spotted Michael in the binoculars, then Carlos. There was
something strange about Carlos. He was carrying a gun. Eroica
quickly shifted the binoculars to the direction where his gun was
aiming at. It was the Major. He yelled out a warning to the
Major at the top of his voice, but it was too far from the opposite
side of the bullring. He jumped inside the ring against the
restraint of the guards and ran straight toward the direction of
Klaus, who turned his face to the commotion. Klaus too jumped
inside to catch the thief. Carlos opened fire from the guns he
held in both hands. There started a great fuss and confusion. As
the Major ran around to ward off the bullets in the middle of the
ring, all the matadors ran away and the audience rushed to the
exits in panic; Carlos ran out of ammunition and disappeared
among the crowd.

The sound of gunfire ceased and Eroica looked around; there were
only three of them left inside the arena -- him, the Major and the
bull with four swords stuck on his back. The bull and the Major
were staring at each other. The animal started charging at him.
Klaus dodged the first attack easily. Eroica applauded, the
alphabets argued what to do and Mischa and his men settled
themselves on the deserted seats to enjoy the Major's
performance. Klaus took off his jacket and shook it in front as
if it was the cape of a matador. He threw it sideways for the
bull to go after it, but it wasn't deceived and tilted straight
at the Major. He grabbed the bull's horns but was thrown on the
ground by its great force. Watching the Major in serious
danger, the alphabets were only flustered, but Eroica didn't
hesitate to take off his (perhaps red) jacket and waved it toward
the bull and shouted "Toro! Toro!". He cried out to the Major to
escape while he attracted the bull's attention. Klaus yelled,
"No! Lord Gloria, too dangerous!" but it was too late. The bull
charged at Eroica with a rumbling of the ground. Now in great
fear, Eroica turned around and started running from the beast.
Klaus grabbed the bull's tail and shouted to Dorian to hurry to
the shelter. In the meantime, the matadors came back to the arena
to help the Major. Dorian jumped in behind the wood shelter the
moment the bull hurled itself at Dorian head-on. Thrown by his
own force, the bull's head was trapped in the narrow walkway
behind the fence with its hind legs kicking the air frantically.
The Major ran to Dorian and grabbed his arm to help him up. "Lord
Gloria, aren't you hurt!?" But the next moment (as if recovering
his senses), he threw Dorian inside the pathway and shoved him
around. "Where is the painting!? Own up!" "Wait!" Dorian pointed
at the alphabets and Mischa approaching them. "There come the
useless spectators!" Dorian reproached the Major's subordinates
and collaborators for their cowardice and indifference, but Klaus
interrupted Dorian's speech. "We know your plan to swindle the
billionaire out of the fake painting! It's you who have the real
Cranach!" Dorian meekly pretended as if the Major's guess was
right.

Dorian:

But I gave it to him under the threat of a gun...the young man who
fired at you. He's the billionaire's grandson.

Klaus:

What!? Was he after the painting, too? But why the hell does his
grandson try to kill me? What are they!?

Dorian:

[startled] Oh... They may have thought you were...

Klaus:

You bugger, you're still keeping something underhand from us!

Dorian:

-- The old man is a remnant of the Nazi criminals who fled to South
America. They might have taken you for a Nazi hunter....

Klaus:

[in fury] I didn't know you were so rotten as to deal with a former Nazi!

Then Mischa's men going after the gunman radioed their boss that
Carlos's white Ford was heading in the direction of Baeza with an
old man and a blond guy. Mischa and Klaus dashed to follow the
car. Now Klaus has another mission to arrest the former Nazi on
top of retrieving the stolen Cranach.

Carpio estate. Pablo had had enough of the Hausers and the series
of dubious events since their arrival. Knowing what the old man
really was, the loyal butler had reluctantly followed Benito's
grandfather's will to be hospitable to the old German and his
relatives (Miguel, the grandfather of the current head of the
family, was a good friend of Hauser during WWII). However, his
patience ran out when he learned that his grandson had sprayed
bullets in the town arena and fled in Carpio's chauffeur's car.
There was also the report from the policeman (the poet at the
party) that the gunman at the arena looked like one of their
guests. He must protect the prestigious family name from being
soiled by a scandal. Then Michael gave him a call from Baeza
asking for a dispatch of a helicopter to take them to Madrid
before going back to South America on urgent business. In calm
voice, Pablo told them to go and wait for the helicopter at a
Carpio's farmhouse located 50 km to Linares from Baeza. It would
be the last time for Pablo to follow the late master's will. He
ordered the employees to dispose all the belongings of the
Hausers and erase every trace of their sojourn from the
guesthouse.

Eroica's cell phone rang. It was from Michael, who still tried to
exchange their real painting with Eroica's fake. "If you keep on
acting like gangs, you can't have it," Dorian warned. "Even if
your friend is with us as a hostage?" Michael asked. Stunned,
Dorian and Bonham looked at each other. Then James shrieked into
his ear from the other end of the line (the old man immediately
gagged James to interrupt the annoying noise). James and "fake"
would be back to Dorian if he'd follow their instruction and give
them the painting at the designated farmhouse. Eroica accepted
his last opportunity to acquire the real Judgment of Paris.

Eroica and Bonham were to choose dirt roads to the destination,
avoiding NATO and Russians. On the way to the farm, Carlos fired
a machine gun to several cars of Mischa's men and alphabets after
their Ford. In the meantime, the Major stopped at Baeza to change
his dirt-and-bull-saliva-soiled suit into a Spanish souvenir T-
shirt and trousers which the agent A went to purchase for him as
a makeshift outfit (the discreet Major changed inside the
Mercedes with all the windows covered by newspapers). The agent A
requested the military base in Malaga to fly a helicopter to
Baeza urgently. [The vice commander at the base was Mendoza who
was stationed at the Saragossa base in Seven Days.] Mischa
forcibly and arrogantly went on board with the Major.

Near the farm, Eroica became wary to see that Carpio's large farm
grazed fighting bulls. Carlos stopped their car with a gun.
Michael and the old man came out of the farmhouse with James
(tied and gagged) and demanded Dorian to produce the painting.
The old man scrutinized the fake and declared it was the real
Cranach. Dorian stifled laughter. They pushed James toward them
and put the real painting in the cloth bag in which Eroica
brought another, "so that it would not get soiled." When Dorian
was about to thank for their consideration, Michael suddenly
hurled the bag in the middle of the grazing bulls. Dorian turned
pale. "Go get it, if you really want it. Hurry, or the bulls will
step on it," the old man chortled. James urged Dorian to go
inside the fence to retrieve the painting, but Dorian couldn't
approach the animals after being charged by the bull in the
arena. Without hesitation, James jumped inside and started
crawling toward the painting while everyone was watching in
surprise.

Then they heard the sound of an approaching helicopter.
Michael reminded his grandfather it would be Carpio's helicopter
that came to fetch them. Enjoying the sight of James flat on the
ground sidling toward the painting among the huge beasts, the old
man told Michael to have them wait until the show was over. But
then, Michael and Carlos realized it was a military helicopter of
the Spanish air force. At the same time, Klaus and Mischa on the
air spotted the white Ford parked at the farmhouse. The
helicopter descended. Everyone on the ground instantly recognized
who was coming down. Eroica and Bonham shouted to James to hurry
to get the painting, Michael carried the old man under his arm
and yelled at Carlos to shoot down the helicopter. Carlos
randomly fired the machine gun at the helicopter. Enraged, Mischa
ordered strafing, but Klaus stopped it lest the painting would be
damaged. The helicopter flying low and the sound of the machine
gun agitated the bulls. The deafening sounds also erased Eroica's
cry to call James crawling in the middle of the pasture. Finally,
the stampede began. Eroica and Bonham ran away from the bulls and
the Hauser family rushed inside the farmhouse. Klaus and Mischa
jumped on the ground while the ground was cleared of the bulls by
the helicopter, chased by one bull and leapt in at the window.
Carlos blindly fired toward the sound of the crashed window. The
Major and Mischa separated in different directions. Klaus hid
behind a corner with a gun at the ready and watched Carlos, who
temporarily stopped gunning and looked for where they went.
Something made a rustling sound behind Carlos; he turned around
to the direction of the sound, turning his back to Klaus. The
Major shot him on the shoulder. Carlos fell on the ground.
Picking up Carlos's machine gun, Klaus said to the source of the
sound, "Well timed, Mischa." Mischa's voice answered from the
totally opposite direction. "Right, I got the painting." The
timely rustle was made by an ox taking a nap behind the box.
Klaus grunted.

The old man shrieked and protested to Klaus that a
German should not give the painting to a Russian. "This will be
returned to the rightful owner in Germany," Klaus told him and
arrested the Nazi criminal. He was going to be sent to the Nazis
Pursuit Center in Germany and put on a trial. "It's Germany's
responsibility to eradicate the evil of the Nazis," Klaus said
with a shuttered expression. The old man started sobbing into his
hands; Carlos consoled him.

Carlos:

Grandpa, Don't worry, I'll come with you.

Klaus:

A loving grandson, eh? You're not just a shooting rowdy.

Carlos:

[looking angrily at Klaus] You'd better keep on shooting, man.
Sorry for your gun to have missed at such a short distance.

Klaus:

Oh, is that right?

Dorian watched Klaus and Mischa leaving the farm on the
helicopter with the Hausers and the fake painting. He climbed a
big tree to avoid the stampede. Bonham came to let him know it
was safe now to get down as the herd of cattle had gone away. But
James was nowhere in sight. When Eroica was looking for the
ground for pieces of James and Judgment of Paris with heavy
heart, a shrieking voice came from up above. "My Lord, is there a
purse or something on the ground?" It was James perching on a
branch of a tree, and he held the painting high to show his
lordship that it was unharmed. Dorian hugged James.

Dorian:

[overjoyed] I love you, James. You're the best!

James:

Now we can profiteer from Sabaah, can't we? Let's go to Kuwait for
business, right now.

Dorian blanched. He had no intention of selling the authentic
piece to Sabaah, but obviously what made James to go rescue the
painting sacrificing his own danger was the obsession to make
money out of the Cranach. "That was with the fake! I won't sell
this real one after all these ordeals!" Dorian exclaimed. Then,
another helicopter, the one dispatched by Pablo for Carpio's
guests arrived. They took advantage of the convenience to fly to
Madrid for free. On board, listening the murmur of James that the
real one would sell at a higher price than a fake, Dorian and
Bonham shuddered with a gloomy foreboding. They might have to ask
Hans de Jon to paint another fake for the accountant right after
they got back.

Back to the Hermitage Museum. The return ceremony of the
troublesome painting was finally over. Klaus and Mischa were
grumpily standing side by side without talking to each other at
the reception party. Polar Bear approached Mischa and reported
that they had apprehended both Demchenko and Hans de Jon. Klaus
snorted at the sight of two burly Russians hugging each other,
celebrating their success joyously. Then he was called up on the
phone. It was from Eroica.

Klaus:

[frowning] I'll hang up if it's another rubbish of yours!

Dorian:

Could you release the forgery artist under the custody of the Russian
police?

Klaus:

Ask the Russians that nonsense.

Dorian:

I need him, Major. Please ask Mischa to set him free. -- I'll explain
everything to you. The Judgment of Paris you have there is...

After listening to Eroica, Klaus cut off the line without
commenting. "The bugger harasses us again!" he fumed. Mischa
asked him what was wrong. Klaus whispered into the Russian's ear
what he had heard from Eroica. Mischa dismissed the story with a
laugh, but they both went to the painting anyway to have another
look at the amoretto, which Mischa even had not realized was in
the picture. "He said it would be the fake if that one's sticking
out its tongue." They peered into the small binoculars. In an
instant, their look turned dark and dangerous. But what could
they do now? Mischa and Klaus walked away from the Cranach in
opposite directions. "Next assignment is waiting for me at
Moscow!" Mischa exclaimed. Klaus declared that he would never
again get involved in fine-art related cases. Whatever the
outcome was, their mission was over. After them the deluge.