Tearing Down the Wall of Small Deaths Byte by Byte

I learned a lot in April. Specifically, that the only thing I can control is myself, and more importantly, that I can control myself. The end result (thus far), I am 13 or 16 pounds lighter depending on what time of day it is (my scale doubles as a sundial).

I grapple constantly with how shallow obsessing about weight loss is especially given all of the worthwhile causes (child soldiers, child brides, child labor) more deserving of full-on obsessing than anyone’s body size.

My desire to reconcile the two extremes: 1) keeping myself alive i.e. unencumbering my internal organs from the globs of fat that have encased them after years of neglect and 2) doing “the right thing” with my life, recently made for a disturbing albeit thought provoking dream.

I had a heart attack, was plucked from an outing with my family, and plopped down on a deserted dirt road in the middle of nowhere.With the hopes of sounding less crazy for writing about a dream, I’ll skipthe Byzantine stairway that went in circles, the grassy mound of wise elder folk, the area beyond the door for the lost souls,and get right to the gist of my dream:The Wall of Small Deaths. On a brick wall, a series of three dimensional images flashed, one after another, maps of how my own acts, or lack of, affected people in the world. . . . *

Fortunately, I woke up.

And fortunately, not only do I have the freedom to reflect on how my actions and/or inactions are affecting others, I also have the power to control my actions. In other words, unlike the children featured in the links above or the demographics (people) in the flashing maps, the only thing stopping me from doing exactly what I want is me.

There are no excuses for failing to accomplish anything one sets one’s mind to do.

All one has to do

is

do

it.

I had a lot of success in April accomplishing the superficial and unearthshattering (yet seemingly impossible) task of moving the scale needle to the left an inch and a half by simply coming up with a plan and sticking to it:

I have a new plan for May:

I had to deal with some stuff (really serious stuff) in April that was really hard for a worrywart (aka control freak) like me to deal with. However, I did not use the crisis as an excuse to give up on my plan.

Instead, I focused on what I could control.

Me.

And with this tiny accomplishment came a big reward.

I did not give up, and in staying strong; in crushing.this. goal., day after day, I realized how powerful one’s will can be.

One more time:

I did not give up, and in staying strong; in crushing.this. goal., day after day, I realized how powerful one’s will can be.

I’m starting small;month by month,day by day,pound by pound, mouth by mouth,word by word,byte by byte. . . .

Dear Worry Wart, thanks for an inspiring post… Which has me reflecting on the mundanity of my current woes too, since I have a roof over my head, a job, healthy children, protected from abject misery and the gross unfairness of this world.
Like you, I believe that will power should drag me out of the ditch, and help me find happiness.

There’s a German saying my paternal grandfather greatly overuses: “There are endless reasons for a failure, but never a single excuse (as in valid excuse or pardon)”.

Most of the time (that is if I actually listened and didn’t just roll my eyes at him secretly) I felt this to be oppressing as in that you never have the right to fail.

Now I understand that failure – at least the failure the saying implies – means personal failure. Failure due to circumstances that were / are within your control, but you failed to notice or react to. -I guess it means “giving up on yourself and blaming others.”

I think that’s why these lines spoke to me especially:

“I learned a lot in April. Specifically, that the only thing I can control is myself, and more importantly, that I can control myself.”

You have some really vivid and sometimes scary dreams! I’m so proud of your success, it is so smart to try and learn from what went right. I am my own worst enemy can be true, and that’s a much more difficult thing to battle.

Love this! Hoping to see more and more people inspired and ignited to do the same! It’s kind of freeing to come to that very true conclusion that you can control you and that’s about all you can control.

People say “just do it” and it sounds like a cop out answer but it’s a real one. So so happy and excited for you as you head into May! An amazing month is ahead and I pray your momentum will continue!

And the wonderful thing is knowing that you can help out with the real problems of the world too, making a difference in small ways one day at a time. You’ve encouraged me for the day, thank you!

I’ve been missing your posts and loved this one. I hope what you’ve struggled with is o.k. now. To me the challenge of focusing on weight, amid other important issues, is worthy when I consider my health first and my appearance second. Glad you’re having so much success!

This is a lovely post, Julie. It is one of the hardest lessons we learn in life. The knowledge is infectious, as all good news should be. Just keep crushing, darling. You are worth it, and every moment counts.
Red.

Good for you that you’ve had a breakthrough! I fight the battle of consistency in many arenas, not least of which is exercise. I appreciate your strong encouragement! And thank you for sharing the websites. We should all be paying attention! ~ Sheila

I hope everything is okay now (re: April). How is it your dreams are always so poetic, so metaphoric? I’ve had a few of those in a lifetime but it seems you have dreams like this often? You better keep a notepad by your bedside.

My soapbox, when I get on one, in regards to many of the so-called hot button political issues is why, why, why this? I won’t get into those specific hot button issues as I don’t want to poison your great post. But I often think, when there are real things like children suffering in the world, children as sex slaves, children starving in a way that they stop growing, why then must people get so completely focused with all their energy, convictions and religious faith on issues that are hurting no one. It sickens me.

In positive news, your weight loss is certainly worthy of a celebration — I hope you’re feeling great about it!

I read this comment right after you wrote it, but have been busy with life and haven’t had time to respond. Suffice it to say, I shared the gist of your comment with my 19 year old son this week as we made the 11 hour drive home from college. He is so frustrated with our current political system (our shallow priorities) and appreciated your take on it. Thank you – looking forward to catching up on your blog!

Thanks ;) You probably knew I worked in politics (as a speechwriter, for one) for several years. It was quite eye-opening. I have since changed political parties (in 2002). Ever hear the saying about how if a restaurant worker no longer wants to eat at his old restaurant, that might be something to take note of? Well, yeah, it’s like that. Take note.

Your son sounds like a very grounded, thoughtful kid. I’m sure all his amazing travel experiences have fed into his human perspective.

Amazing post, I forgot to respond to it when I first read it (!!). So much to think about in the world other than ourselves or our weight, which is only a number anyway. Or anything else self focused for that matter. Keep your wonderful attitude and words coming, which keep us all inspired. x