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After a very difficult night of angry response from my letter to my BH Im wondering if I have the right to feel the way I do. My intentions were good with the letter trying to tell him about my feelings and thoughts of past and now. He works away and when hes gone it build so much I had to put it somewhere. And when hes home its for about 24 hours. Which leaves us no time to talk part of the problem with our marriage before. So notheing was ever discussed more nor did we fight. we are 7 months and 8 days out. And he is angry He doesn't want me to talk about it . Doesnt want to bring anything up. Says that its his way of coping. Im so frustrated and mad cause that hasn't changed. He can't hear anything I say and its funny I ve brought up things from the past and he says thats not what he did and yet i talk to others who were there at the time and they see it as I describe it.??? I am trying to be encouraging and supportive and Im told that its not wanted or he doesn't believe me. I know I can see that he has the right to feel that way. But what do I have to loose anymore. I lost him allready. He says he will never love me the same. The family is why he is here. Is this normal? I am so frustrated and wonder if there is any point. Am I just in a self pity party right now. I want to say fine. Lets live this way and see what happens I'll fix myself and you can just stay stuck!. He still won't go to IC or MC says what could they possible help with. Won't read a book or listen to the audio to try and help himself. Cause that is other peoples opionions and what it suppose to just say to him that he's not the only one.! He says he knows that. Not interested in hearing different perspectives just wants to cope. Act loving towards me, be how he thinks he should be to keep his family. Provide for us. be a good husband and father. Am I just crazy making. Am I just that fucked up that I can't see the benefit of letting it pass and believing it will be okay doing it his way. What do I do. Keep living my own life and if comes with me great. Just talked to a friend yesterday who was telling me about a couple she knows that the wife just walked out suitcase and all the night of her youngest graduation. She had stayed for the kids!!! I can't do that, I don't want that. It scares the hell out of me thats where it will be in 10 years. Im alone now I don't want ot be at 53 years of age.:-( Any help from BS or WS is gretly appreciated. I'm drowning right now from self hate and lack of faith in anything good. My children can't even make me smile only sadder.

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013

20WrongsVs1♀ 39000Member # 39000

Posted: 12:12 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

You're allowed to be angry. But if you want to R: may I suggest you turn your anger toward yourself, and away from your BH?

He doesn't want me to talk about it . Doesnt want to bring anything up. Says that its his way of coping

Your way of coping was to fuck his close friend. Whose way sounds healthier?

You are saying (correct me if I'm wrong) you don't want this:

Act loving towards me, be how he thinks he should be to keep his family. Provide for us. be a good husband and father

In other words...it's not enough for him to be a good H, act loving toward you, and provide for you? What type of treatment, exactly, do you feel you deserve after what you did?

Am I just that fucked up that I can't see the benefit of letting it pass and believing it will be okay doing it his way.

Are you in IC? I'm not qualified to say how fucked up you are; what does your C say about your ongoing pity party?

My expection of How he should treat me is like shit. So yes I don't feel like deserve his love. As for IC. I am in it. C figures I should worry about taking care of me more than my H. Cause the there is nothing I can do except fix myself. And yes I am angry and hate myself. Which I look and obviously looking for more punishment And yes my coping skills are horrendous. There is nothing in me today that says I'm worth anything I feel worse when he's loving and I know he's hating me at the same time. Thanks. For the facts. I have the same thought and conversation with myself too. The worthless part of me is winning today. And I so want her dead!

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013

Listeningclosely♂ 16472Member # 16472

Posted: 12:43 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

Of course you're allowed to be angry. Feelings are never right nor wrong. They just are.

But it's your response to those feelings which makes life around you better or worse. When an A is exposed, the intensity of it raises a whirlwind of questions. It also raises a desire on all parts to find a quick answer and solve for everything rapidly. That just can't happen with so much brokenness.

In a way, your IC is right. Nothing can be healed until you can heal from within. By digging until you get why you really did what you did, you are actually helping both of you in the long term. Once you fully get why you cheated, you can fix that part of yourself. Once you are a healed whole again, you can re-examine how life is with your BH and decide if that is the life you are willing to accept or not.

It all has to come in steps. Small, deliberate, painful but healing steps.

C figures I should worry about taking care of me more than my H. Cause there is nothing I can do except fix myself.

Yep. But, your post is all about you fretting over, or disapproving of, how your BH is handling this. Focus on you, instead of getting mad & bitching about how your H is coping, or that he won't read a book, or go to IC, or listen to your perspective. You admit your coping mechanisms suck: so how can you judge his? Instead of trying to encourage & support him: try being humble and genuinely remorseful, and accept that his anger toward you is a natural reaction.

You're a confused mess right now; I'm not judging you, I'm relating, because I'm right there with you. Keep working and hang in there.

Thank you for listening and being strait. Some more of my broken self coming through today. The need to fix to ignore my own, focus on anything but me. And your right 20 really how can I say thats not a better way to cope. Its not his fault I have 30 years of issues and repressed and suppressed feelings that want to explode out of me. And I'm now wanting to talk and express. And thanks Listening. I want things fixed quick allways have been able to in the past. Other people that is. And I not sure how to just let be and let nature takes it course. I am control freak from the time I was 3 having to know everything and not trusting anything. Unless I have an answer. Iam starting to rethink again as they day goes on and to calm down and not spin so much, sao thank you for the straitforwardsness It was much needed.

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013

Later♂ 39375Member # 39375

Posted: 4:54 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

He can't hear anything I say and its funny I ve brought up things from the past and he says thats not what he did and yet i talk to others who were there at the time and they see it as I describe it.???

Who are you talking to?

Does your husband know that you are going outside the marriage to discuss his "offenses?"

Do the people with whom you are speaking know about the A?

Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013

Kelany♀ 34755Member # 34755

Posted: 5:29 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

What I see is a lot of "me me me". What about him and his needs?

BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012

Aubrie♀ 33886Member # 33886

Posted: 5:39 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

Angry at who? You? Or him? Because he isn't handling things the way you think they should? And how do you know whether your way is best?

If his way of dealing with things isn't what you like or is a deal breaker, you can always leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay.

Why are you talking about your relationship with "others"? The "his side" and "my side" thing will never work. It'll make the divide that much greater.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 7104 | Registered: Nov 2011

Joanh♀ 39146Member # 39146

Posted: 10:06 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

The friend I talk to is friend to both of us and is very aware of whats going on and is a champion of us. She also was part of or witness a few of the diputes my H and I have that he says never happened. Because I don't trust my perspective anymore I asked her what her take was. And what she got out of it and what he said in front of her. Just to make sure I wasn't nuts. Just to clarify.
Angry at who? You? Or him? Because he isn't handling things the way you think they should? And how do you know whether your way is best?

Both , I don't know its best. I dont know. All I am doing is reading and learning and everything I read says get it out, discuss it don't hide it. Ask questions etc. And he doesnt. So I'm afraid it will back to haunt us. Iam willing to answer to s=discuss and have repeated it over to him that I am not going anywhere. He's afraid I'll run if he tells me his thoughts. And says it easier for him not to discuss it. What do I do with that. I know I'm suppose to let him be and work on myself. But how do I do that . I'm starting to think maybe lol I have some codependency issues. How screwed up is that when i'm a f'n addiction counsellor, what a fucken joke I am.!!! Thank god I quit before I screwed up people too. Sorry. No filter on me today. I'm kinda glad my BH is at work saves him from my iBullshit

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 442 | Registered: Apr 2013

StrongerOne♀ 36915Member # 36915

Posted: 10:22 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

Getting it out can help you. But you don't have to get it out to your BH. Write it down,make a timeline. Let your BH know you're doing this and that he can look at it when he wants to, if he wants to. If he doesn't want to hear it now (or ever), please respect that. If it hurts him too much, which is what he's telling you, stop hurting him with your memories and recaps.

Stop deciding that what's good for *you* is what he needs.

Sorry if that sounds mean. You seem sincere in your desire to help your BH. And that's good. Keep up that effort!

FYI, I am a BW, so speaking from that perspective.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 10:23 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Sep 2012

Joanh♀ 39146Member # 39146

Posted: 11:07 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013

Thanks for all the thoughts and perspectives today. I am once again sitting myself down and saying to myself shut up if he doesn't want to hear thats his choice not yours. All I can do is what I need to fix me. Let go of the control as my touch therapy therapist and my IC says. Fear is controlling acceptance is living. So to living is to me moving forward. not backwards. Its taken me all day plus the two days before to get back here. It was a trigger that set me off I see that too now. Should have talked to SI sooner. Thanks everyone. The one day at a time thing seems to be even more important than a person knows. I just so want my BH to be happy again :-( It hurts so bad to see him in pain. Consequences suck and it is painful no matter what is decided or happens tomorrow. I have to remember that. and Accept it. Thank you again.