Have you ever pulled a joke on somebody, but you could never tell them about it because it was a prank so foul, so degrading, so truly evil...that revealing it would have had dire consequences? Like maybe spitting on someone's food or stealing the Playboy they kept under their mattress during puberty for emergency masturbatory purposes? (And yes: I'm talking to you, Chris Wallace, you thieving bastard!)

Sure you have. We all have. But this isn't the place for confessions, so please don't flood our inbox with comments about how you replaced your sister's birth control pills with Tic Tacs. If we really cared about your life, we'd call ourselves "Dear Abby," and we would suck.

No, today I want to expose the conspiracy the people at Gatorade have been perpetrating on the sports drink drinking public for the past few decades. I first discovered their dastardly plot back in high school, but just like when you accidentally walked in on your grandparents having sex -- ugly, sweaty, disgusting sex -- I haven't had the courage to talk about it. Until now.

So let's begin. Please look at the following image and tell me what you see.

Not sure? Okay, look more closely. Much more closely...

Okay. If you said anything other than "penis," then you're either a liar, a eunuch, or a Gatorade employee trying desperately to hold onto your job. Because it is, in fact, a Gatorade bottle:

You thought it was a penis. Admit it.

How is it that no one else has ever brought this up? The bottle that contains the most popular sports drink on the planet looks like a big, thick, throbbing penis, from the clearly defined and strangely textured head to the perfectly tapered shaft. The only thing missing are a few well-placed veins. Of course, the Gatorade apologists could argue that the male penis comes in an endless variety of shapes and sizes, many of which are strange and asymmetrical. The Gatorade bottles, on the other hand, have standard sizes and are all perfectly proportional. To which I say: whatever.

Experience the bolder taste...of fruit-flavored cock.

Maybe it's all a simple misunderstanding. Maybe nature figured out billions of years ago that the penis was the perfect fluid dispenser, and now people are just unconsciously copying that design. I mean, the phallic shape is everywhere: pencils, missles, rocket ships, skyscrapers, mustard containers, hot dogs, baseball bats...the list could literally go on and on. So sure, perhaps the penis is the perfect shape for just about anything. But that still doesn't explain the overt and obvious sexual connotations in ads like this:

Come on, now. I've seen porn that isn't this blatant.

I just can't accept the idea that this is just a coincidence. There's no way. Which brings me to the conspiracy part. Why do I think it's a conspiracy, you ask? Think about it. You take the world's premier sports drink and package it inside a giant penis-shaped thing, and you know what happens? Every macho stud, every muscular he-man, every guy who takes his masculinity just a little bit too seriously...at some point is going to put a cock in his mouth and suck. That's right. Because no one drinks Gatorade out of a cup, and you have to actively squeeze on and suck out of the bottle to get the drink to dispense as fast as you want it.

Are you still a doubter? Do you think I'm overreacting, or, at worst, just making up wild stories? Fine. Believe what you will. But before you make your final decision, consider this screen capture from an actual Gatorade advertisement that ran during a televised basketball game this season:

Under a black light, Gatorade looks just like...well, you know.

Uh huh. The Gatorade people are all but rubbing our noses in it. You know somewhere there are several rich men sitting in a board room and laughing like Dr. Evil every time they watch Michael Jordan give a big, sloppy blow job on national television. Gatorade commercials tend to feature our best athletes, whether male or female, and they all without exception show said athlete slurping down nutritious, electrolyte-laden fluids straight from the universal life source. Sometimes they pour it all over themselves, bukake-style, and, for God's sake, they even sweat it out of their very pores (as exampled above). Few men are as homophobic as professional male athletes, and few women are as liberated as professional female athletes, and we get to see them all play the bitch to a giant phallic symbol, again and again, on national television. Gatorade's tagline "Is It In You?" is pretty appropriate, but if that's not "subtle" enough, maybe they should change it to "Is It Thrusting Hard And Deep Into You?".

And if you think about it, the joke is really never-ending. I, for one, will never be able to watch someone drink Gatorade without wincing, laughing, or both (probably both). Need proof? Go do a Google image search for Gatorade. You know what you'll find? Pictures like this:

This poor kid took the "money shot" at his soccer game.

You'll also find pictures like this:

Young women are perfecting their blowjob skills in schoolyards

across the country. With a little help from Gatorade, of course.

You'll even find pictures like this, where a seemingly innocent senior picture turned into something much more suggestive:

An innocent senior picture, or a production still

from Fill All Her Dirty Holes Again - Part 17?

It seems like our whole society is preoccupied with the male penis. And this isn't a new thing. Have you ever seen an Ancient Egyption obelisk? Ancient Greek and Roman columns? Cock-shaped weapons like the sword and spear were specifically designed for quick, powerful thrusting. I guess the major difference between the ancients and us is that, back then, phallic symbols were reserved for things like art, war, and architecture. Now they're used for everything from flying into space to replacing the complex carbohydrates we lose while running a marathon.

And so we have the Gatorade bottle. So much of the advertising for this stuff centers around "increased stamina" and the ability to "last longer" in sports and other activities. So maybe it's just natural that the vessle for this amazing concoction would be the living symbol for strength and endurance. And the best part is, Gatorade turns sticky when it dries, just like cum. So the Gatorade people have done everything they can to rehydrate us while using the most powerful and lasting icon in the history of mankind.

And if this is all just some whimsical flight of fancy on my part, then I can only offer my most sincere apology. But if you're ever caught away from home without your favorite sex toys, and you need a little help "getting the job done," you can find Gatorade almost anywhere anything is sold. I'm just sayin'.

Gatorade comes in virtually any size and shape

you may need for, you know, whatever.

Homotastic Edit: I took some serious criticism from fellow Basketbawfulite Dave "Badass" Larson for not including a picture of Michael Jordan getting it on with his Gatorade. So, without further ado...

Of course it looks like a penis. It was ivented by University of Florida GAYTORS, for their gaytor football players. It's not the actual drink that gets those boys fired up, it's the thought and sight of penis in mouth that gets them going.

Address got cut off--just search for "gatorade bottle design" on google, second link. And why haven't you talked about the sucking cup extension on the smaller gatorade bottles? That is even more creepy.

This research is simply not complete. It only reflects the visual comparisons of the bottle to the male appendage. I'd like to see an installment that actually compares its use. Inserting a penis and a bottle into the human body, in my opinion, would yield different results.

This is an AWESOME post, for those of you who said it was a waste of time, you're the ones who decided to read it so it much have intrigued you to some extent... and even then you stayed and took the time to post! HAHA!! LOVE IT!

Gatorade is crap ; just water, sugar (lots of it), caffeine, salt, and food coloring. Read the label...if you can. That's what they count on, that 70% of their consumers are too illiterate to read and understand the sorry list of ingredients in their over-priced pisswater.

Products like Gatorade might be piss water, but they can quickly stop cramps in your legs and arms. They always work for me. If I have a lot of physical work to do and forget to have a sports drink and I get cramps anywhere, drinking a glass of Gatorade (or similar sports drink) gets rid of the cramps in no time. If you often get a "Charlie Horse" at night, there is a very good chance that drinking some Gatorade or similar sports drink will solve the problem. That Charlie Horse should ride off into the sunset never to be seen again.

I'd never drink directly out of a Gatorade bottle though. That has been scientifically proven to turn you gay. If you're already gay, it will turn you Uncle Arthur/alien in the attic gay. :D

if people only knew how true this really is. if you know anything about the power structure in this world (illuminati, NWO, etc), hence the people at the top of the food chain that essentially own every corporation/military/government entity, youd know they are obsessed with the phallic symbol and place it everywhere they can within the daily lives of the 'sheep' they control.

I love how these people get so upset about an innocent joke about a gatorade bottle...I mean come on now when are you going to stop bitching about little nick nacks...Your probably a human rights or animal rights person...I think the joke is hilarious and is kind of funny now that I look at a gatorade bottle and start laughing...

stupidest thing i've read in a long time... oh heheheh penis oh hohoho, yeah right an article on florida for growing oranges that are round like testicles that'll be another great laugh riot... i'm gonna punch my friend for sendin me to this... you owe me the 2 minutes of my life i spent reading the beginning of this

Hes gay!? so your saying if someone sees something that looks like a penis and tells his friends about it or makes a joke about it is gay then well probably every guy out there is gay i dont think ill be drinking gatorade again also if its suck a waste of time why did you leave a post that just wasted your time even more AND hes just putting in his oppinion of what he sees about the gatorade bottle and then you say that hes gay because he puts in his own opinion who cares if he thinks gatorade is gay or that it looks like a penis. another thing is if you look at the label on the gatorade bottles the ingredients are almost the same the only thing that is really chandged is the color. and its sussposto be a joke its funny dont take it seareusly i thought it was funny and now when i see someone drinking out of a gatorade bottle ill remember this and it will put a smile on my face and make my day funner then it was 10 seconds before

"Try looking at the top of a beer bottle sometime... you think it's limited to Gatorade?" I've always thought that beer bottles actually resamble breasts (like trying to dig memories of being breast-feed)

This is the stupidest thing Ive ever seen. But, You know whats funny..?My marketing teacher in college actually told me that the way they "display" Pepsi products on the shelves at different stores spells sex in so many ways- Hey , maybe your him or your also just really horney- Alls I know is that sex sells!!!

How in the hell does Pepsi stocked on store shelves spell "sex" in any way? Your Marketing teacher should be fired! great Blog, I LMAO - and I wondered why all those fags in school loved that salty crap - Kudo's to you mate - also - why don't the commentors learn to use grammar or at least learn to type?

To the loser that wonders how people like that *salty crap* as he so nicely put it. Have you ever really read about Gatorade? What it does, who its helped? I called Gatorade today, asked them some questions on gatorade and also visited the website. Gatorade has helped so many people who play sports. By the way dumbass, it may taste salty to some, but thats because its meant to be drank when you are hot and sweaty to replace the salt your body loses. Amazing what you can find out when you ask questions instead of listening to stupud people like you all. By the way, the shape of the bottle has to do with ability to grip. Besides, its whats inside that helps retard!

Secondly, people find phallus-shapes in the world, like, ALL THE TIME. So there's a resemblance between a Gatorade bottle and the penis, I mean, if you crop the photo just right--Whoa, stop the presses....

First of all...if you think the article was so "immature" then why the fuck are you reading it in the first place? You know it's funny...just admit it... And to those of you that want to bitch and moan, can you please learn how to spell first. Thank you.

Uh, Lyss, don't quote me as having used the word "immature" because I didn't use it. And, no, I don't think the original post is funny, so I won't "just admit it". And don't give me any crap about "why the f**k did you read it in the first place?" What, only people who agree prior to reading it have the right to read and respond?Signed, First of All

I agree with First of All. I think "Lyss" might want to consider taking the, er...Gatorade bottle...out of his ass before he goes on any more rants? Lyss might find a more suitable discussion site at "MyPlace".

I work in porn and I've some much SICKER shit than that. That said, OF COURSE it looks like a penis. I've known for ever(nearly). I never drink it. I dont drink beer from a bottle either....or anything that can be concieved as penis shaped....mabey they could change the name to "Broke-Back-ade".

Geez, I should get some kind of award for being censored out of THIS thread. But let me try and make my point another way: Why does everything always have to be phallic? I mean, couldn't the empty space contained within a so-called phallic shape (such as buildings, bottles,etc.) be considered "vaginal?"That said, I've no doubt that products are marketed with tawdry sexual suggestions, etc., and those targeted at sports fans are no exception, but doesn't this "Gatorade Conspiracy" post both belabor the obvious (when its right) and make ridiculous, silly stretches everywhere else? -FOA

this was boring, and not funny. you really stretched your imagination with this one to bring a lame post that i wasted 2 minutes on. so sad to see that it "made peoples days," or "it was friggin hilarious!". some people have the lamest humor.

Hey, I guess you don't remember or haven't seen the old commercials with the sperm swimming around in the gatorade. That would further prove your point if you could find it. I never understood why they would show little things swimming in their drink that looked like sperm and then ask, "Is it in you?" Fucking sick ass Floridians.

Lyss's comments finally quit, at least! If I remember a different blog correctly, Lyss doesn't know what an erect male penis looks like anyway!!! OMG! But wish FoA didn't get yanked. Couldn't have been worse than what anybody else said? :)

*sigh*Y'know, it's people the author of that article that makes me want to kill most of the male population and start over. I mean, that's as bad as al lthe cowboys snorting and giggling over every hill 'cause it looked vaguely like a boob. So, should we also claim that every vaguely round shape is really a breast? I mean, give the damn thing a rest already! Not everything that is long and ends in a point is a penis. Get. The fuck. Over it.

Hahaha, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Gatorade the same way again. Oh, and to those who got all offended and wrote that this guy needs to get a life...doesn't it make more sense that the ones who need to get a life are the ones who actually managed to be offended by this? :-)

You know what, I REALLY never thought about that. I mean, it has so much to do with the penis, it's unbelivable. And the funny thing is, that I am drinking a Gatorade right this second. And that first picture of the Gatorade X-Factor, Fruit Punch and Berry, that is my favorite flavor.

its fucking 1.00am and i can't stop laughing, this is the funniest shit i have heard in a minute. and for all those mothafuckas who are getting pissed about this, well, keep sucking on the cock-bottle.bitches.

This is brilliant....if nothing more, it's entertaining in the midst of a boring work day. All of you idiots that are trying to tear this post apart and correct the grammar have missed the point and should get a large bottle of Gatoraid and shove it up your.....Anyway, thanks for the smile and laughs to break up my day.

OK yeah thats great..Who are the stupid F***s who actualy took the time to read it then decided to leave a post complaning about how it was a waste of time?? Do they know how stupid that makes them look???Anyway I had a hunch about gatorade, and a few other things too... HAHAHA ;) KUDOS

Good job, the fact that some people can't take a few jokes is dissapointing, but good job all the same. Kept me laughing, and it made me laugh just as much seeing how bad some peoples sense of humor is.

well, it does look fallic, but comparing swords and columns and the like to penises? c'mon...some things just work better with a specific structure. it's just simple architecture and engeneering...but i did laugh. thanks.

You have obviously never taken an advertising class nor a psychology one. Anyone who had could tell you that this is inded very blatent and done on purpose. On some subconscious level, both women and men prefer bottles and products that are either phallic or breast shaped.

LOL, that is good, i have never noticed it was shaped that way b4. That is observant. All u ppl who r callin this guy r homophobes who dont want him posting sumthing that even has to do with any gay themes.

The phallus has long been a successful marketing tool (no pun intended). The phallic shape of the classic Gatorade bottle is most likely intentional and is probably the main reason for Gatorade’s success.

I gotta say.. didn't see that before. This is pretty funny, not the best shit I've seen before but funny. So now that I now that the one drink I used to drink all the time as a kid is actually a liquid filled dildo. Bummer.

Oh well, atleast now I cana fuck with my friends and Gatorade now.

I know some people like adressing why others may not like this or are just bitchin' about it, but hey, if they don't like it oh well. And if you really don't like it, shit let it go and move on. I mean, just sayin'.

i laughed so hard i cried. then swore as a lesbian that i would never drink gatorade again out of the bottle...but i do get a great laugh when i see my homophobe jock friends gulping down the stuff. its too great!!!

teeeheee! this post opened my eyes! I think I will call up the nice gatorade people and tell em their product looks like a penis! Im sure all the oldies will be in COMPLELTE SHOCK they were worshipping their phallic creations for years! All you'll hear is sounds of breaking monicals! AGAIN, genious post!! hahahaha

that is real cute of you to come up with a whole actual theory on objects that are shaped like a penis, but i don't think Gatorade was intentionally trying to impose any sexual connotations about penises in their product. i'm not objecting to your idea, as it was some-what interesting to read, though i think you spend too much time thinking about penises. a bit obsessive there, don't you think? or perhaps you just adore penis.

omg! do you know how much this brightened my day? this is really funny, even if it is just coincidental (personally, i dont thinks its a coincidence...)

so yea, i had been having an extremely crappy day where nothing goes your way -- you know the kind -- when all of a sudden, as a was surfing the net, your blog popped up!

it grabbed my attention, and even kept it and i really enjoyed it.....i even drank a gatorade this afternoon (in the bottle!! lol) and it almost had me shooting gatorade out my nose! (almost, but not really)

well, i have added this to my favorites so now i am going to go find some more "conspiracies" (why do cupcakes look like breasts?) goodbye!

btw, you have to take things in stride (the good and the bad) so dont worry about those crude, rude, and lewd comments that just keep cumming (pun intended, i saw someone else had written that....i did not make that up)

Ah the maturity of some people... I see the connection there, and while I don't agree with the conspiracy, I do agree that it is fucking hilarious, and extra added points for spotting it in the first place... and to one of the recent comments... mangos? come on... though they may be an aphrodisiac, they look about as sexual as an abortion...

For everyone who took this seriously and tried to sound smart about it:1. If you were to catagorize this work it would be considered satire, so get a life when you go look shit up to prove this magnificent satirist wrong.2. If you don't like the humor why keep reading? Move on with your life and find another site that suits you, don't complain to the free world.3. The author did not call you or the athletes gay, he stated that it was a conspiracy by gatorade to make them LOOK gay not BE gay.5. I skipped 4.and6. This was extremely well written with the propper amount of research to say "Hell yeah" this was funny as shit.

super.. yeah, really diggin' the Terry Wicks comment.. NOT! get a life loser.. but "The Gatorade Conspiracy" is GREAT! AWSOME! another useless day in my life filled with unuseless [hehehe] reading hahahaha.. great man! Love Roseanne