Life, Unexpected

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Old Issues

So today is me and Cody’s three month anniversary. Just putting that out there. But anyways that’s not what I wanted to talk about on this post.

So if you’ve read my past posts you will know that Cody and I each have full access to the other’s phone. I went on his phone this morning to see if he added any gifs or images from an app called iFunny in his photo gallery. I sadly discovered something else that I honestly wish I never saw.

As an anorexic I am hypersensitive when it comes to girls and their looks, especially models and such. I know maybe some girls are fine when their bf has naked photos of other girls on their phone but I am NOT one of those girls. To me it is just plain disrespectful to your partner. I don’t care how big that boot-ay is or if her tits are ginormous. It’s fucking disrespectful to your partner, ESPECIALLY if they’ve already told you this… like i don’t know, maybe when you first started dating?!? Yeah. I have some anger…

I found a naked picture of a blonde with a “nice ass.” For me and my own experience with anorexia, I know that I compare myself to other girls, it’s just part of my disorder. But in past relationships when stuff like nude photos of other girls or even porn came up I compared myself to the girl the guy had on their phone and was driven to be what the girl on their phone looked like. Yeah, I know it’s probably stupid to most people reading this, but back then that is what I did.

I know that I am good enough for Cody, but when I find a pic like that on his phone it makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me feel like I don’t satisfy him. It just brings up old insecurities. Now am I mad or hurt about the girl in the photo? NO. I am mad that it was on his phone. I am mad because I’ve told him ages ago, when I originally found tons of naked girls on his phone that it was an issue with me.

It just feels like a betrayal… because he knew how I felt about that. Of course he deleted the photo and apologized and said he didn’t know why he had the picture except for that she had a nice ass.

I am hurting…trying my best not to let it bother me, but oh does it! I mean, I guess I’m more calm than I was earlier because earlier all I could think about was how to get back at him or punish him as a way to show him every time he does that I can do something like that to hurt him back. I know that’s not healthy AT ALL. But I was thinking of it. I know exactly what to do to provoke him too. I could say every time I find a photo like that, I will dress in my “sexy” clothes and I’ll go out to a bar or dancing with people. He would hate that. He hates when I wear my sexy nice outfits out because he wants them just for himself. It’s sweet, but at the same time I’m going to wear nice clothes out no matter what.

But anyways, there are other things I thought of that I knew he would get pissed at if I did. But again I am not the revengeful type and it’s not healthy in a relationship. So I guess we will talk about it? I don’t know. I just feel hurt, mad, betrayed, and pissed as fuck. But anger is an emotion that covers deeper emotions.

I also bought myself red and white roses when I went to CVS this morning. Hell I thought I deserved it. I haven’t gotten myself roses since maybe the middle of the summer and after finding that photo on his phone hell of course I was going to buy flowers for myself. I can treat myself right. I can love myself and I do.

Whatever, I am calming down…so yay, the anger is gone and just leaves the hurt. Whatever, Cody and I have a day planned and hopefully it goes well…