I rate every animal

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One of the great mysteries of the animal kingdom is the dodo. It has been extinct for years, but we have learned about it through a number of clues left for future generations by the dodo before its death. Its legacy lives on in the elaborate coded prophecies and treasure locations it hid around the globe.

“Hello! My wings are dumb and useless.”

In mid-2010, best-selling author Dan Brown and noted immortal Nicolas Cage teamed up to follow the trail of the dodo and uncover its secrets about 2012, the end-times, the location of the dodo’s gold bullion, the result of Super Bowl XVIII (less useful now that it would have been if Cage had started his search a few decades earlier), and an incredibly detailed description of Jonathan Lipnicki.*

Cage had to abandon the quest to begin principal photography on Season of the Witch. Brown continued to decode, until he finally came to a message that did not seem to lead to another clue. The final message? The number 58008. You’ll find it written all over the padded walls of Brown’s room if you visit him today. Careful, though; Danny bites.

Special powers

It would appear that the dodo had foreknowledge of its own demise, as well as a number of future events.

Weaknesses

Dead.

Number of legs

Two.

Wealth

The dodo came into a vast fortune of gold bullion after betraying its captain and its crew.

How was it remembered?

The dodo’s funeral was by the numbers smaller than Princess Diana’s or John F. Kennedy’s or Michael Jackson’s or the David Hasselhoff roast, but when you adjust for inflation, it becomes the most highly attended of them all.

What if it fought a bear?

It’s already dead, bear. Leave it alone.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dodo was a devious backstabber, but it was also knowledgeable in many legitimate areas of expertise. Now it’s dead.

Hmm. This worries me. I see a bit of myself in the dodo. And I don’t like it.

If you’ll excuse me, I have some Krugerrands to move around.

5.5/10

*Or “He Who Will Come.” The dodo’s plot synopsis of The Little Vampireis spot-on, but its review is weirdly glowing.