Desperate University of Chicago Students Mugging Vulnerable South Side Crack Dealers

Hyde Park — A new type of desperation is turning the tables on the beleaguered, crime-ridden South Side of Chicago as reports show impoverished university students are lurking into the largely un-policed areas around Hyde Park to grab wallets and iPhones from unsuspecting folks in the poor neighborhoods notorious for their decades of gang warfare, gun violence, and crack dealing.

Local city officials and police officers, as well as the University of Chicago armed security forces are baffled and in disbelief that the poorer neighborhoods, predominately inhabited by black families, are living in fear from the uptick in ruthless muggings and robberies carried out by debt-addled college kids who then sneak back into the safe confines of the heavily-guarded campus, where they rest easy in their overpriced tomb-like dorm rooms.

“Of course if we go after our stolen property and follow these criminals back, we get shot by the campus police,” one woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, told reporters. “And the police don’t dare patrol these streets. They learned the hard way long ago. Now we need them when the students come rolling through here with guns in their waistbands looking to jack somebody.”

For years the university has been buying up land, kicking off low-income families, and then heavily policing the areas with their private armed forces. Typically, students have been the ones preyed upon by the rough South Side crowd, but as tuition increases, private debt held by students skyrockets, and even little changes like raising printing in the student library to thirteen cents per page, has been attributed to the increased brutality just outside of the fortified confines of the university’s campus.

One PhD student, who went by the name Niles and is currently studying the role of television before television existed, said he wasn’t surprised by the revelation. “They got all those Master’s students locked up in cells paying like fifty grand a year without any kind of financial aid except expensive federal loans that stick with you your entire life. It’s indentured servitude. If they need to rob some folks to squeak out one more semester,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and trailing off. “It was Rockefeller’s vision.”

University officials have had scattered opinions about the news. Mostly, professors and university administrators refuse to talk about the problem, nor do they have any answers for rising tuition costs and the crippling debt some of the hardest working students in the nation are facing.

There is more than a little concern that Washington DC will get wind of this and Hyde Park will be passed over as the location for Barack Obama’s presidential library.

Infamous cultural philosopher Hubert Humdinger said if anything, the heightened crime reports are even more reason to land Obama’s presidential library at the University of Chicago. “A life boat of superficial thought and knowledge floating in the middle of a sharkish ocean while those not fortunate enough to have a boat are clamoring to climb on board. It’s their last chance. But the boat is taking on water and you can’t beat back the masses forever. Life or death is the most powerful stimulant. That’s America in a nutshell.”

Humdinger [pronounced hum-din-jer] admitted his views are largely unaccepted, nor taken seriously by most people in the whole of Western civilization.