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Walkthrough - Integrity 2.0 Radio Transcript

Page 1

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TRANSCRIPT FOR "THE LAZLOW SHOW" ON INTEGRITY 2.0 RADIO STATION
GRAND THEFT AUTO IV / GRAND THEFT AUTO IV: EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY.
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DISCLAIMER: The content herein is copyright Take-Two Interactive Software Inc.
and Rockstar Games, written by Dan Houser and Lazlow.
Transcript made by Harwin, 2008-2010. Version 2.0
Be forewarned that the following contains explicit suggestive content, aimed at
a mature public.
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_______________________________________________________________
| |
| If you spot anything in this transcript that needs correction,|
| you may send me an e-mail at: |
| ardente_climhazzard[at]yahoo.com |
| _____________________________________________________
|_______________________| |
| Words within square brackets "[ ]" are parts of |
______________________ | dialogue which I couldn't discern from the audio. |
| || I encourage you to send me an e-mail if you know |
| Send comments too!:) || what's being said in those moments. |
|______________________|| |
|_____________________________________________________|
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CONTENTS
INTEGRITY 2.0 - ORIGINAL GRAND THEFT AUTO IV
WEAZEL NEWS.............................................................[WZL]
Snippets from Weazel News where they talk about Lazlow and his
new radio station.
PART I..................................................................[P10]
Lazlow welcomes his first guest, a man who thinks is being
seduced; a girl who doesn't understand she's being
interviewed for the radio; and a molester who just wants to
touch women--no strings attached.
PART II.................................................................[P20]
Lazlow runs into a teenager who sells weeds; a woman whose
husband wears her underwear when she's out of the house; a
computer geek to whom Lazlow asks for help building a Lazlow
merchandising website; and a girl who believes life's
gripping questions cand be answered if one pretends one's
face is a punctuation mark.
PART III................................................................[P30]
Lazlow gets into a dispute with a hotdog vendor and is
belittled by a taxicab driver.
PART IV.................................................................[P40]
Lazlow crashes a music-video shooting.
INTEGRITY 2.0 - GRAND THEFT AUTO IV: EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY
PART I..................................................................[P50]
Lazlow humbugs a saxophone player into following him; talks
about his new sponsor; is mocked by a jogger; and gets
called out on by the police for peeing in the street.
PART II.................................................................[P60]
Lazlow talks about his stepdad some more; introduces his new
intern, Georgie; is approached by a gay rights activist; is
slighted by a british guy after a paparazzi make-believe;
and gets beat upon by a street musician.
PART III................................................................[P70]
Lazlow gets his picture drawn by a street caricature artist.
PART IV.................................................................[P80]
Lazlow is denied access to Maisonette 9 and is directed to
Bahama Mamas and later to Hercules.
CREDITS...................................................................[CRD]
People who have contributed to this transcript.
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WEAZEL NEWS [WZL]
===============================================================================
NEWS 1
ANNOUNCER: In entertainment news, it's back to the early part of the decade for
one formerly-famous Liberty City shock jock--Lazlow, who used to host long-
defunct radio station Chatterbox, is trying to re-launch himself over the
Liberty City airwaves with a new show. He's still trying to raise funding for
the venture. He spoke to reporter Eric House.
LAZLOW: Eric, it's Radio 2.0. You could even say it's Radio 3.14. I mean, I
like how I stretch on to infinity, like pot. I mean, the Internet had Web 2.0,
so now the radio is going to have Lazlow 2.0.
ERIC: What does that mean?
LAZLOW: Look, I'm not being vague. It just sounded good.
ERIC: In Broker, I'm Eric House, WEAZEL NEWS.
--
NEWS 2
MIKE WHITELEY: In radio entertainment news, that annoying shock jock Lazlow is
returning to the airwaves after a six-year absence in which he was tossed by
community leaders. He announced that the station will be called "Integrity" and
will be all about.. integrity. Lazlow lost his radio job after the payola
scandal and, quite frankly, because he had a potty mouth. Mike Whitely, WEAZEL
NEWS.
--
NEWS 3
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Great news for fans of Lazlow, bad news for most of us. The
shock jock who was thrown off the air over numerous payola scandals is back.
Today he formally launched his new talk-show initiative, unironically called
"Integrity 2.0". After numerous radio jobs in several cities, well-reported
drugs and money problems, questionable sexual scandals and high-strung neurotic
personality, we doubt he'll be on the air for long.
===============================================================================
PART I [P10]
===============================================================================
ANNOUNCER: He's getting older, but not wiser. It's Lazlow on Integrity 2.0.
LAZLOW: All right, you're listening to the Lazlow Show, only on Integrity.
We're broadcasting live from the streets of Liberty City. Nobody does live
radio anymore, nobody apart from me. I'm your host Lazlow. It's been a long
time, Liberty City. Too long for--for both of us. Kinda had a dry spell there,
you know. Liberty City is like a woman, you know. You love her, you hate her,
you come crawling back to her so she can step on your dreams... But--but I do
love the women here, you know, the chicks in Liberty City have higher
expectations than the slobs in Vice City, and they're not as paranoid about you
slipping in some GHB to their drink. This is the media event of the century,
because I'm bringing radio back to the people. It's Radio 2.0. It's the future,
you know. You don't listen with your ears, you--you listen with your soul.
We're gonna be doing a radio show, and a podcast about the radio show and a
blog that's about the podcast that's about the radio show. It's--it's media
intermingling, uh, like, uh, like one of those magazine ads that have [all-
different] ethnicities. You know, I'm getting under the city's skin, you know,
into the fatty layer with the--with the warm pillow of a [gunt] to rest your
head on. You look up and you go "where's my dignity?" With this radio show I'm
making a difference and--and it's all in association with our sponsor ZIT,
'cause we can spot the song you're looking for. You're listening to the radio,
you hear a song, call ZIT, 948-555-01100. Yeah, that's right, I'm walking the
streets doing a show. This is live, people! Huh! THIS IS RADIO!
PEDESTRIAN
WOMAN 1: Can you keep your voice down? You're talking too loud.
LAZLOW: Hey! Easy, honey! I--I'm on the radio.
PEDESTRIAN
WOMAN 1: Who cares what this is? Shut up!
LAZLOW: Yeah? Can you wear a bag over your head? You're ugly. Go play some
Sudoku and die peeing on yourself. You don't talk to the media like that. This
is radio! In--in association with my mega-awesome sponsor ZIT. This is about
people taking the city back from the media bearance. I'm literally walking the
streets of Liberty City, interviewing people, getting questions answered, you
know, discovering why people want to live in a crime-infested overpriced dump
without trees. Ah, excuse me, sir, ah, can I speak to you for a minute?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 1: What do you want?
LAZLOW: Well, I want you to--
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 1: Hey--hey, I'm not like that. I'm not a knob goblin.
LAZLOW: H-hey, listen, easy. OK? You're not my type. I prefer, you know,
unconscious chicks or--or MILFs with--with stretch marks. Besides, listen,
dude, hah, I'm famous. Do--do you want to be famous?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 1: No way! I don't want the paparazzi taking pictures of me naked
doing coke.
LAZLOW: Sorry, bro, you're a little too late. You just made radio history.
You're the very first guest on Integrity 2.0. This is history, my friend, the
Lazlow Show, here, making media history like--like when they shot the president
on that episode of 72. "Oh, I've been up for three days, I'm--I'm really moody,
I'm trying to fight terrorism." You know, how come nobody on TV goes to the
bathroom?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 1: What are you talking about? Have you been drinking?
LAZLOW: Ah--ah--ah, yeah, a--a little. But--but, listen, quiet. OK? I'm
talking. Let the host talk. People will remember this show, they'll remember
this time, because, you know, I'm finally re-inventing radio. I'm--I'm like
Lazlow Marconi, you know. I've tried blogging, porn, I've tried Vinewood, ah,
gloryholes, facefuls of pills. But screw that. You know. I'm not about
dependency anymore. It's finally about me, you know, I'm--'cause I'm a good-
looking guy. I got a six-pack. Huh! Look at that, huh?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 1: Oh, c'--dude, don't show me your stomach. That's disgusting.
LAZLOW: Hey! Come back here! I--I'll show you my gluts!
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 1: N--leave me alone!
LAZLOW: C'mo--c'mon, you've made history!
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 1: Go away!
LAZLOW: You're like the John Wilkes Booth of radio! What is wrong with the
people of Liberty City, you know. Don't they want to be famous? Excuse me,
madam, ah, look--listen, you're live on the radio, have you got anything to
say?
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 1: What?! Oh, my God.
LAZLOW: T--take your time, honey. This is the reality of live
entertainment, l--like when I put on a fat suit and go and feel up tourists.
You know. Or that thing that got me indicted. Are you finally ready?
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 1: What are you talking about?
LAZLOW: No, it's--no, it's OK, t--take your time. No problem. You know.
Imagine you're a stud about to impregnate a prize race horse, you know. I'm
kind like the Seabiscuit of radio.
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 1: Did you just call me a horse?
LAZLOW: N--not really, but, now that you mention it. I'm just getting
metaphorical on sort of an equestrian sense, you know. You know. 'Cause I've
written fantastic poetry. You know. I bet you look at me and you're thinking
"wow, what a guy", you know, "how can I coax this filly into a moral
congress? Can this man make a video with a horse?" You know, lust, it's an
idea, you know, like freedom, like--like girls with leg braces falling down
stairs, like--like dark matter. You know. Like--like shaking it when you're
done at the urinal, but it doesn't really help. So tell me, what's on your mind
here in Liberty City?
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 1: Yeah, um, oh, my God, am I on the radio?
LAZLOW: Do you not realize that? This is a microphone, stupid.
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 1: OH-MY-GOD, you're an a**hole.
LAZLOW: No. Actually, I'm a DJ. But--but I don't spin records, you know. I
spin words, in the minds. Uh, let's go over here to this guy sitting there, you
know, eating--eating lunch outside, ah, what do you think is the problem with
this city?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: The problem with this city? Man, look around you. Look at these
women. Look at the--look at these skirts. Look what they're wearing. They wear
these things and they don't want you to touch them? All of a sudden a cop is
after you. All of a sudden their boyfriends are coming after you. Why? Do you
want to show me parts of your body? I wanna touch them. Let me touch them and
I'll go away. I don't want to have babies with you, I just want to touch for a
little while. Is that a crime?
LAZLOW: A--a--actually, s--sort of yeah, yeah, you (OK) can't just go
grabbing, you--women's, ah, buttocks.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: What about lightly?
LAZLOW: No!
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: Hey, we--we're people too. We're part of society. And all we're
doing is, we're just grabbing for a little while and letting go.
LAZLOW: Yeah.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: Nipples. Necks. Buttocks. (OK, I got--) Thighs. (--I got you)
Front. (OK. Listen. Give me the microphone back!) Feet.
LAZLOW: Listen, I agree with you. I mean, the fashion is in big trouble in
this city. I--you know, women, uh, sometimes, like you say, are--are so
attractive, you--you--you can't help but--but bite them.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: Yeah.
LAZLOW: Uh, and--and then there's other women that are wearing like those
lime-green-and-orange rubber clog sandals, ugh. I--I mean, you kno--women are
wearing tit curtains now that-(oh, yeah)-that make them look pregnant. I
mean, you know. (yeah) Men wearing women's jeans. (ohh) I--I mean, you get in
trouble (hmm) for hanging outside the women's clinic now (hmm) to cruise on
chicks.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: You got in trouble for that?
LAZLOW: What happened to freedom in this city? You know, I mean. The mayor
is shutting down the porn stores, you know, banning smoking, trying--
trying to outlaw fun.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: But there's more places you can go, man. You can find some--some
more places to--to find women.
LAZLOW: Like...?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: Schools.
LAZLOW: Could you really not rub your junk (why not?) and--and talk about
(why not?--) schools?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: Let me just do it for a little while.
LAZLOW: Dude, listen.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: Schools...
LAZLOW: Stop. Listen, dude. (ohhh) OK, just--fi--finish up. I don't wanna
be-(there we go)-I just don't wanna-(there we go)-I just don't wanna be-(that's
it, that's all--)-OK-(--I wanted to do and there it is)-OK. I-(there we go)-
don't wanna give you blue balls on my radio show. (ohhh) You know. (what a day)
I mean, I'm talking about the glory days in life. You know, I mean. If you
think back to when--when sixteen-year-olds could drink and listen to metal
music, you know, and you could smoke in bars, you--you get in high-speed
accidents, you go "dude, I lost my right arm" and your friends would say "dude,
who cares? you can drum". You know, I mean, it's like I--I--I--
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: You--you--think--you--you could do it with your sister?
LAZLOW: Dude, shut up. I'm trying to do a fuc*ing radio show here. You know
what? I mean. Things were so much simpler before I got divorced, you know. But,
this really isn't about me. It's about (uhh) you, the people on the streets,
uh, (yeah) this guy, uh, (mmhmm) rubbing his junk. You know. I mean--it's about
a revolution, you know. Anyway, this is Radio 2.0. It's in association with
ZIT. You know, 'cause nobody has been this edgier or--or even stupided to--to
take on the media, you know. This is the number-one media investment of our
time. You go out, you talk to the real people of Liberty City, you know, and
then you've got everything set up and then the fuc*ing a**holes at the Bank of
Liberty deny your loan the day that [the rent's due] on your studios.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 2: Oh, dude, they're the worst. So, you know the little plastic window
thing? I put my junk right through the little hole on the window.
LAZLOW: Ahh--you know, my life is an amusement ride, a--and it needs to be
on the radio because, you know, in life it's like you wait in line all day for
this ride called life, you--you sweat, you hate yourself, and then it's over in
45 seconds and she looks at you, she says "you know? I have to go" and she sort
of get--leaves the room awkwardly and--and you just wish that once you could
share a bed with someone who wouldn't get creeped out by the pictures of my ex-
wife on the nightstand. I gotta take a break.
-------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
===============================================================================
PART II [P20]
===============================================================================
ANNOUNCER: Telling you like it is on the tough streets. Here is Lazlow, trying
to reclaim his integrity.
LAZLOW: Alright, you're back, it's the Lazlow Show on Integrity. Integrity
is the name of the station. I'm out here walking the streets of Liberty City,
doing a live radio show, meeting the real citizens of the city, you know.
Getting urban, you know. Like--like a music video, and I'm in slo-mo, and--and
there's just girls dancing around me. Ah, excuse me, young man, ah, do you want
to be on the radio?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 3: Young man? You trapped in the seventies? Nobody says "young man".
What else you gonna say? "Fresh"?
LAZLOW: Look--whatever, homeboy. Listen. Tell me what the kids are into. I
gotta connect with the kids. Not my private parts, you know, but--that's for
online--but, what are you out doing?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 3: Yo, I'm delivering weed.
LAZLOW: But, you--you're only like thirteen.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 3: Exactly. I won't go to prison. That's what my cousin told me. We
work for flyhighpizzapie.com You want a smoke? It's good sh*t. I got Purple
Goat, Widow's Laughter, Blueberry Nightmare, Amsterdam Amnesia and some
hydroponic Nun's Vagina. It's all good. It's good sh*t. Blow your head off.
Only three hundred dollars a quarter.
LAZLOW: Damn! Ain't this city is some overpriced sh*t. Look, I don't need
fancy brand names for reefer. Yeah--commercialism is destroying the grit of
this city. You know, when you can catch an STD from a--from a him/her. You
know. Look at Star Junction. People singing to each other and fisting puppets,
instead of having gun fights and shooting horse. Get out of here. You know,
this show is not gonna be like the one I did at that--that radio station in
buttfuc* nowhere. I spent the last few years of my life in a gin martini
getting shafted by the cruel fates of slow career suicide. The city makes you
angry. Makes you wanna rip a--rip a fool's head off. You know. Bite people on
the cheek for talking on the fuc*ing mobile phone on the train. You know, bite
people walking too slow up the stairs of the subway. You know. Bite people that
are more successful than me. It--it's like I'm radioactive. Why can't I have a
girl half my age like all my friends that are in the media? Huh? Someone young
and dumb. You know, I've taken a lot of risks. Ju--just like this. You know.
I'm--I'm back. They say you can't keep a good guy down. You, sir, can you keep
a good guy down?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 4: Sure, but I don't wanna go down, man. You can go down on me. Heheh.
LAZLOW: Oh, wow. Easy, fella. You know. I'm a raging heterosexual. Ask my
ex-wife. That's why they call me Jack Rabbit Jones. What is wrong with this
place? You people are freaks.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 4: Hey, a**hole. I'm not a freak.
LAZLOW: Right. Whatever. You know, there may be a lot of freaks in Liberty
City but the biggest freak in town is back. Me. Excuse me, ma'am, my name is
Lazlow, am I the biggest freak you've ever met?
PEDESTRIAN
WOMAN 2: Are you kidding? You should meet my husband. He wears my underwear
when he thinks I'm out of the house.
LAZLOW: Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. You know. I mean, I've worn
panties.
PEDESTRIAN
WOMAN 2: Damn. You've got some problems, son.
LAZLOW: Hey, it's not weird if a chick asks you to do it. Then it's hot.
Listen, I'm--I'm kind of divorced.
PEDESTRIAN
WOMAN 2: No wonder. You gotta be a man, Lazlow.
LAZLOW: Yeah? Listen, are you and your husband up for maybe some webcam
action? You know, you ca--you can pay to watch me dance online. I--I can do
like the windmill nude.
PEDESTRIAN
WOMAN 2: Breakdancing? Are you kidding? Get away from me, please!
LAZLOW: Fine! You know, you probably don't even have a blog. Maybe it's
this moustache and my sexually-suggestive T-shirt that freaks people out. You
know. I'm just trying to do a radio show. But--but actually, that's what's
great about Liberty City, you know. You spend two hundred dollars on a vintage
T-shirt, you wear five-hundred-dollar designer hip-hop pants and--and limited
edition neon high tops that some teenager scribbled on with a marker and--and
you're on the cusp of fashion, at least that's what everyone tells me. This
moustache once got me laid. Yeah--yeah. She was a slow girl, kind of deaf in
one ear, but man, you give her ten dollars, she was yours in an alley for ten
minutes. Loved to eat pennies that girl. Excuse me, sir, hey, I'm doing a radio
show here. It's kinda like a--like a social networking site where--where nobody
cares about you or your stupid profile. Le--lemme ask you, what's your favorite
website?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: I--I--I like, um, the top three or the top one. It depends on
what--what--which one you wanna go by--by which chart. It's ah--I can't stop
checking electrictit.com, I mean. There's this one thing where there's
teenagers lipsynching--
LAZLOW: Oh, the viral videos, yeah.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: Yeah. And th--th--there's a whole bunch of, ah, like teenagers and
they're lipsynching a song in a bedroom and it's like a high school talent
show, but I--I--I can't get arrested. Streaming audio. Streaming photos.
LAZLOW: Is it that where there's like--like--there's a cup and there's two
girls and--
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: Yeah. But there's a backdoor you can take. It's--
LAZLOW: Listen. I don't need to hear about your backdoor. I'm trying to do
a radio show. (alright, oh, so you're doing a radio show?) Yes. (is it
streaming online?) Listen. (is it streaming online?) Listen. All I know is this
Internet is seriously cutting into my radio career because I gotta tell you,
the MP3, please. Nobody's gonna be talking about MP3s in a few years. (OK, I'm
gonna th--I'm gonna show you--) Radio is coming back. (Radio is not coming
back.) Because it's Lazlo-- Yes! (Radio is not com---) It's Lazlow 2.0. I'm out
here on the street. Dude, this is some edgy sh*t!
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: No, it's not edgy sh*t. It's not edgy sh*t at all.
LAZLOW: Dude, it's not. It's the radio.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: I wanna download it.
LAZLOW: It's the radio.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: Streaming radio.
LAZLOW: Listen, I--I wanna start my own clothing line. Can you help me with
the website?
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: Virtual or real?
LAZLOW: Yeah, uh--pft. Real! (OK) I want to sell like bowling shirts,
karate uniforms, like trainer's cock socks.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: How much memory do you have? How much memory? What're the gigs?
LAZLOW: I don't know. I just want a website where you can buy Lazlow stuff.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: How-much-memory? What are the gigs?
LAZLOW: I don't know. Listen. I'll tell you what I need. I need stuff. A
lot of my fans--
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: Do you have an external hard drive?
LAZLOW: A--No! A lot of my fans have huffed gasoline, they watch
professional wrestling, you know. They wanted to be able to-(I did too)-to put
on a Lazlow shirt and knock kids off a bicycles. And you know and--and that--
that was (that's how I'm living) rock n' roll, in Vice City in the 80s, I mean,
that was rock n' roll. Then my career hit the skids and I'm--I'm stuck doing
this, and talking to you with your horn-rimmed glasses and you've never (this
is--) seen a vagina. What is-(I've seen many vaginas, OK?)-what is happened to
me? Listen, let's go--I'm gonna go talk to this chick over here. Excuse me. (me
too! lady--) Leave her alone! (lady!) Leave her alone! (hi, how are you? what's
your URL?) Leave her alone.
PEDESTRIAN
MAN 5: How much memory do you have? Excuse me, ma'am.
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 2: What do you want?!
LAZLOW: I--I'm doing a radio show.
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 2: Nobody listens to the radio anymore. Give me a break. We have the
Internet. You ever heard of it? Now leave me alone. I'm trying to send a text
message.
LAZLOW: Imtry-to-seh-ah-tes-message. LOL. Listen, I'm doing
Radio 2.0. You know, radio has been around for a long time. This is like real-
time MP3.
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 2: Whatever. If I can't send emoticons through it, I'm not interested.
If you get really drunk and pretend that your face is a punctuation mark, you
can really get to the bottom of life's gripping questions.
LAZLOW: Ahhh--OK.
PEDESTRIAN
GIRL 2: Whatever, old man.
LAZLOW: Old man! You bi--You'll never get to experience the 80s, except for
one of those stupid clip shows on Me TV where washed-up comedians make snarky
comments. You know, I may be bitter and divorced but--but I plan on getting a
sports car, you know, and figuring out how to play online games and--and
banging chicks like you and then dropping you back off at school. You know
what? Nobody likes your breasts. You know that? Huh? When I was massively
famous in the 80s, you know, launching my radio career, there was this weird
performance art about robots and--and a very bizarre man theorized that one day
DJs would be replaced by robots and that a machine would pick the music and
hold humans in slavery, walking around with their portable devil DJ machines.
And here we are, in Liberty City, and the world is oblivious. They've
got headphones on. But I'm here doing this, trying to get people to listen to
the radio, to rise up, 'cause they're all controlled by robots. Speaking of
robots, let's, uh, take a quick break. This is the Lazlow Show on Integrity.
-------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
===============================================================================
PART III [P30]
===============================================================================
ANNOUNCER: He's still a dork. And people keep giving him jobs. Maybe they feel
sorry for him. It's that wise-cracking dufus, Lazlow! Only on Integrity.
LAZLOW: Alright, you're listening to Lazlow 2.0, you know, it's called
Integrity 'cause it's, you know, sort of about me, you know, ah, like--like how
I'm gonna someday be a like a millionaire in blue jeans, you know, a guitar
kind of slung over my back, singing--singing about the struggles of--of being a
blue-collar guy, 'cause, you know, this show's about everybody, no--not just of
people with money, you know. Li--like this guy. Here's--here's a working-class
guy on the street--street food kind of vendor guy. Hey, how much is a hotdog
cost, guy?
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: You [already] got a radio show?
LAZLOW: Yeah, you're--you're on the radio. (ohhh) Tell us about how you
live, uh, like piled eighteen high, uh, just to make it in Liberty City?
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Oh, first let me say hi to everybody. Juanita, how are you? How you
doing? My friend Paul. He lives uptown. Hi, hello. I'm doing good. Selling
hotdogs. I want to say hi to my kids. I want to say hi to everybody.
LAZLOW: Oh, my gosh. You people just breed like rabbits. Listen, just give
me the hotdog.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: I wanna say hi also to my friend Paulito. I wanna say hi to the
guys over at the delicatessen. They're always so nice to me.
LAZLOW: Why are you--listen, why are you people so friendly?
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Who--who people?
LAZLOW: You people. Where're you from?
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: I'm from Central America. ... Hello?
LAZLOW: I'm sorry. I'm--I'm stupefied. I--I can't really understand what
you're saying. C--Could you--
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: You stupid?
LAZLOW: No. You gotta work on the English, a little.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: You stupid? Hey, you know what, man? YOU've got to work on the
English. Heheh. We're a team, right? We're--we're a comedy team.
LAZLOW: No. No. We're not a team. I am a radio genius and you are so--so--
I'm trying to expose the dailies. This is sort of like a radio documentary,
like I'm exposing, you kn---you know, how--how sh*tty your life is and--and now
your--your father looked down on you one day and (hey) whatever dusty sh*t old
town you were in and said "son, someday you'll be huffing car fumes on a--on a
sh*tty street corner selling food poisoning to--to celebrities like Lazlow".
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Hey, guy. You--you think your--your father is proud of you? C'mon,
man.
LAZLOW: Well, I mean, my father was, you know, kind of strangely silent my
whole childhood which kinda explains a lot but--listen, dude, I'm trying to
bring the media back to the people on the street corner, you know, on the
radio, because I thought to myself "Lazlow, get back to what you know, get back
to entertaining people, you know, sleeping with groupies in--in broom cupboards
and--and--and on yoga mats, you know--"
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: What is this? 1969?
LAZLOW: No, I--
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: I'm also listening, guy, that your name is Lazlow?
LAZLOW: Yes.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: You make fun of me and your name is Lazlow? That's a clown name.
That's a stupid clown. Heheh.
LAZLOW: Listen, I'm not a clown. Dude, I've been around. You--I--I--I (you
haven't been around) used to do coke off a toilet seat, you know, I took
payola, you know, I--I got paid to make nasty comments about people and e--e--
everybody said I was really funny and that I was a great guy, you know, and
deep down don't you feel like you've a deep dark secret you can't admit and
(yeah) the hell starts kinda rising up again inside and the--the lying and the
deceit and, (yeah) you know, and you look at your best friend and even though
he--he's a guy, you know, you jus--you just wonder "what if?" (yeah, OK) and--
and, you know, and I mean--
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: But I don't go spilling it on the streets like this to a hotdog
guy. Right?
LAZLOW: I know there's this--quite a struggle, uh, being a hotdog vendor
living eighteen people to one of those tiny rooms in-(no, mister, mister)-
having to (hey, hey, hey) wire money back to sh*thole or wherever the fuc*
you're from. (hey, guy) I understand. I'm from the Midwest.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Hey, listen guy. You don't know my story. Alright?
LAZLOW: Yeah.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: My--my mother raised me. And my grandmother raised me.
LAZLOW: Right.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: But we would wake up every day and we had no money. We had no water.
LAZLOW: Uh huh.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: You know--you know what we used for water?
LAZLOW: Urine. I don't know. What?
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Tears.
LAZLOW: Tears!
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: OK? The tears of my family. That's what we had to drink 'cause we
had no money.
LAZLOW: So you would milk your grandmother, like she's some kind of
tearcow.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: You don't understand our culture, man.
LAZLOW: No, I don't. (you don't unde--) I see it (you--you) on the
television, you win all the fuc*ing sh*tty singer competitions on TV 'cause
"oh, we've got passion" (no). Well, guess what I've got (you know what we
have?). Huh? I've got a convertible.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Please, hippie.
LAZLOW: Hippie?!
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Yes. Hippie.
LAZLOW: Dude, you're a real prick. What's your--ohh, you're on the street
selling food poisoning. You--
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Listen, listen. These are good hotdogs, OK?
LAZLOW: Shut up.
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: No, no. Listen. You shut up.
LAZLOW: Dude, wh--why don't I shove your fuc*ing stupid face in the hotdog
water, huh? How would you like that? I'll--I'll--let me give you a little bit
of (ow) American history. (ow) OK?. To people like you. (ow) Let me grab the
back of your fuc*ing head and shove your stupid face into the fuc*ing hotdog
water. I am a fuc*ing celebrity on the edge and I--
HOTDOG
VENDOR GUY: Please don't do that!
LAZLOW: --I had it. Take it--how do you like America now, motherfuc*er!
Yeah! That's right. God, I fuc*ing--I feel alive again, you know, like a--like
a man when you just grab the back of the head of another man and you just shove
it right where you fuc*ing--where you want it. G--go! Yeahhh! That'll teach
'im. I'm a man!
RESIDENTIAL
MAN: No, you're an a**hole!
LAZLOW: Hey! Pipe down up there. Go back to beating up your fat wife.
RESIDENTIAL
MAN: You'd better shut up or I'll come down and beat the sh*t out of
you.
LAZLOW: Hey, you know what? I think I'ms gonna get a couple of blocks away
from here. God. Why are the street vendors in this town such a**holes, man?
Alright, this is, the Lazlow Show on Integrity. It's in association with ZIT.
You know, my sponsor. You know, speaking of foreigners, if we're going to get
to the underbelly of this city, you know, we should take a cab ride. Excuse me,
taxi! Yeah, uh, take me to Frankfort and Jade near Star Junction, please. So,
riding in a cab it's--it's a serious Liberty City experience, you know, because
these people, ah, drive for like eighteen hours straight and pee in soda
bottles, you know, then they talk to their friends on cellphones and
Jack-fuc*-astan or wherever they're from and, ah, toss off, ah, but the
immigrants, the--they--they bring the city alive, you know, them and the stock
brokers. But you know, people say "Lazlow, are these p--"
CAB DRIVER
GUY: You are Lazlow?! You are kidding me. I remember you. You used to be
on the radio! You were so funny.
LAZLOW: Yeah, thanks--yeah, man. I was on Chatterbox a--and I'm coming
back. I'm on the air now.
CAB DRIVER
GUY: You were funny for a while but what happened to you?
LAZLOW: Uh, what do you mean?
CAB DRIVER
GUY: You turned into an annoying creep. All you talk about is how many
woman you sleep with. You don't look like you've had any women.
LAZLOW: Please. OK? Th--this moustache, a lot of girls have ridden these
handlebars, huh? You know. I mean, since my divorce.
CAB DRIVER
GUY: Nobody wants to hear about your problems.
LAZLOW: Hey, dude, that's show business, OK? It's about reality these days,
not entertainment. OK? 'Cause, I gotta tell you, once you've flown first class,
you know, it sucks to take the bus again. Tha--that's why I got all these
addictions.
CAB DRIVER
GUY: Bring back that vegetarian guy. That was funny.
LAZLOW: Don--don't tell me how to do my show. Pewtoo! I spit in your cab.
CAB DRIVER
GUY: Get out of my cab! I don't want washed-up celebrities in my cab.
LAZLOW: W--washed up? Dude, I'm doing a new show! See you in hell, buddy.
CAB DRIVER
GUY: See you later, Lazlow!
LAZLOW: Alright, this is the Lazlow Show. The station is called Integrity.
I--I should mention that we are--we are sponsored by ZIT. Ah, we are going to
take a quick break. This is the Lazlow Show on Integrity.
-------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
===============================================================================
PART IV [P40]
===============================================================================
ANNOUNCER: What is integrity in broadcasting today? Cookie-cutter monotony,
overseen by [hand ringing] lawyers, irrelevant executives, paranoid
consultants and greedy fund managers and stock brokers. Now, radio finally has
integrity.
LAZLOW: Alright, Liberty City, you're in for a surprise. It's, ah, the
Lazlow Show here on Integrity. I'm out on the streets. You got too comfortable,
Liberty City, you know? Like you're in a dance club and you're having a bit of
fun with one of the ladies, and you stick your hand down a stripper's panties,
you know, and you discover a pair of balls. Well, guess what, baby? The bitch
is back. But I'm not a bitch. I'm a man. Ahh--you--you know, walking the
streets of Liberty City you always see a film crew doing some sh*tty TV show or
movie, you know, screws up traffic. Like here. This film crew has blocked off
this entire street in Liberty City. Now I know for my brief period as a fluffer
that the best thing about these film shoots is the craft services table. Being
famous means that you need a buffet that follows you wherever you go, you know,
and you've a--a special portable toilet if you're--you're too fat to fit in a
hotel bathroom. I mean, God! So, let's just walk over here to the craft
services table. Oh, awesome! Snake a couple of sandw--
FILM CREW
MAN: Hey! What are you doing?!
LAZLOW: Hey. Slow down, Neanderthal. C--Can't you say I'm doing a--I'm
doing a radio show here, huh? Live, you know? I'm here to interview the star of
this--ahh--whatever you're shooting...
FILM CREW
MAN: It's a music video, dumb*ss. Ahh--that's the lead singer standing
right next to you.
SINGER: [?], this food is awesome.
FILM CREW
MAN: Aw, thanks, man--
SINGER: Hey, you're Lazlow, aren't you? I met you backstage at the Love
Fist Show.
LAZLOW: Oh, yeah, man, I was always backstage at the--
SINGER: You were snogging that guy. Totally sucking face.
LAZLOW: Wo--wo--wo--wo--wo. Hey. That wasn't a guy. Alright? Sh--she just
looked like a guy. A--an--and besides, you know, in the 80s all the guys looked
like chicks.
SINGER: Young man, are you still incontinent?
LAZLOW: Dude. Look. That was totally a misunderstanding, OK? I was really
drunk. I--I don't think that was urine anyway, 'cause--'cause see, I--I had
this move, you know, when I'm at dinner or at a party with a really hot chick,
I--I pretend to spill something on my jeans, you know, and--and then I can rub
one out right in front of her and she thinks I'm trying to get a stain out.
It's awesome. Hey, what's your video about?
SINGER: Oh, it's [?]. I'm finally going to sing something meaningful about
rain. And how your soul gets wet too. [what?] a lot of smack. You know, a song
that you can sing at your [birth], right before you go off [? embarrassed
stupid].
LAZLOW: Sounds brilliant. Yeah--I don't think anybody has ever gone with
the rain angle. Goo--good vibe for a video. You see, there are celebrities on
the streets of Liberty City. You can bump into 'em anytime. These are the kind
of encounters that--that Liberty City is all about, you know, where a man lies
under a rain machine, you know, singing about a soggy soul and a bunch of
unionized a**holes move around apple boxes. So, this is the Lazlow Show on
Integrity. Ah--we're going to take a quick break. We'll be back right after
this.
-------------------------------|COMMERCIAL BREAK|------------------------------
===============================================================================
EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY / PART I [P50]
===============================================================================
[Saxophone playing in the background]
LAZLOW: So everybody, you're listening to Integrity 2.0 and we're back. We
have got funding. We got funding! We are back on the air and--as soon as I can
figure the technology out, what a--a DNS is, we will be live on the World Wide
Web. [Streaming!] Ah, with what I believe is called a web page. That's right.
Integrity 2.0 taking free speech somewhere entirely new. To the Internet! We're
going global! Global, people, like--like all the way around. Where people like
don't even wear bras or shoes. Haha. It--It's a great big media reach-around
and for once, Lazlow is not getting bummed. I am doing the bumming. Ha. I'm
bumming the world! Ha. Where am I going to stick it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You take
it, baby. You like that? Maybe I pull your hair, world! Maybe a little below--
below the Equator. How do you like that? How do you like that? Who's your daddy
now, world? Lazlow. Yeah, that's right. I am the Big Bang. Ha. I'm back! I was
a dwarf star and now I'm a fuc*ing supernova! Hah.
So, everybody, uh, welcome to Integrity 2.0. After a few weeks off the air
we're back. We've got funding and I want to say, seriously, uh, a--a quick
moment, thanks mom. Money is rotting in your 401K. The financial district
screwed everybody in this country. Invest in new media! Me! And now, your money
is building a show-business empire one brick at a time. Today Liberty City.
Tomorrow reach-arounds. Heh. I love you, mom. This is the best thing you ever
did for me. And I love you too, stepdad Isaac. I mean, I--seriously, I love
you. Uh. You know, I admit I struggled when you came into my live and our
family, but I really do love you. I know you're the man of the house now. I can
accept the rules about the curfew... You know. I'm going to get my new place as
soon as I can find something suitable. I respect you. I respect your rules. I
cherish our time together. There. Alright? I said it. OK.
Liberty City. The media! It's a fuc*king jungle out there. Like a--like a Greek
girl's pants, you know. Thick [strawberry]. I'm talki--talking like
undergrowth. Overgrowth. Or just busting out the sides in a massive sweet spot
that emanates juice. Tha--that's me. You kn--I'm the G-spot of radio and I'm
back. I--I'm a middle-aged man who has been forced by the collapse of global
media to move back in with his mom and his truly wonderful stepdad, Cockface,
um, sorry, I mean, Isaac, a--and yet, my name's like Lazarus! Tha--that's my
name. I--I'm back from the dead! It's Lazlow 2.0. Integrity 2.0. Maybe even 3.0
some days. You know. Been but never broken. You can't take a broadcasting titan
down. I--I learned that, a--and trust me, I'm no exception. I'm here to stay,
like the national debt or syphilis. I'm that unwelcomed itch and pus-ridden
sore that just won't die. I'm the telling the truth about the city, to the
city, for the city and any corporate sponsors who want me to put in a good word
for them, trust me, I'm available for sponsorship. I'll tattoo your sh*t on my
junk. Haha. I don't care. I know about branding. You know. I do public
appearances. [I got there], uh, give some sh*t away. T-shirts, dog, T-shirts!
I'll hand out samples of your product, spray cheese, cigarettes. I'll give 'em
to kids! I don't give a sh*t! I love capitalism. I hate taxes. Um. And about
the appearances, you know, I've got good rates. I'm a funny guy. I make people
love me and--and that--that means they'll love your product. My last public
appearance was incredible. It was for my stepniece Jill's bat mitzvah. I mean,
they didn't pay me formally, uh, you know, so I sort of grabbed what I thought
I was worth out of that--that bag they hand around. I mean, you know, it's the
honor system, really. Integrity is what this show is about. You know, I did
a bit of stand-up there. The--the beanie kids. They loved me. I don't think
they're allowed to watch TV. You know, they related to my stories about
sleeping with fat rock groupies. They really did. I told this incredible joke
about incest. [?] It was shocking. I mean, it was daring but it was true. My
stepdad's family is riddled with this stuff. I mean, family tree like a
tentpole. More inter-cousin marriages than a bunch of hillbilly hamsters, and
you married into that family, mom. Nice one! You know, dad's not so bad. So he
drinks a little bit. I drink every day. Huh! And Martin, my brother, you--
you're Judas! And a loser. Being a rich TV producer is not cool anymore. This
is fuc*ing--the 2000s, bro. Nobody watches TV. We steal everything--on the
Internet! That's why I'm gonna be a new-media player, you know, playing this
city like a dirty old man plays a tween chatroom. Just--that amazing feeling,
wondering, if [?] over to your house, is it gonna be a setup?
Ah, we're coming to you almost live from the streets of Liberty City, talking
to real citizens, prominent street folk, you know, disadvantaged people, people
in wheelchairs with one leg, urban characters, stinky homeless people, you
know--
[Saxophone stops]
THEODORE: Goddamn, boy. You just talkin', talkin', talkin', never say
nothing.
LAZLOW: Wha--?
THEODORE: You're gonna pay me my goddamn money like you said. I've been
playing this goddamn saxophone, walking with yo ass for three blocks.
LAZLOW: Uh--yes. You've been walking with me for three blocks because I need
fame music, you moron! And something about a saxophone just says "the streets",
says "I'm lonely; I'm gritty; there's a siren in the background; it's raining;
I just throwed up on myself; should I play some jazz or sit on my pee-stained
mattress and cry?; tie up my arm--insert some skag."
THEODORE: Bitch, what the fuc* are you talking about? You said you were going
to pay me two fuc*ing dollars!
LAZLOW: Uh--I haven't got change! All I've got is a five! Don't you have
change? You're su--That's what you do. You're suppo--
THEODORE: Hey, man, fuc* you. I've got to earn a living out here, buddy.
LAZLOW: So am I. So the fuc* am I! Look, I'll give you a five. Just sing
the song I told you to the sing at the beginning of the show.
THEODORE: I can't remember it.
LAZLOW: Well, here's a hint. Who's your favorite radio celebrity?
THEODORE: Martin Serious?
LAZLOW: Martin Serious?! Fuc* that hack sellout! Me! Lazlow!
THEODORE: Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Right. I love your show. I love it. Leslie!
With the show Intimacy.
LAZLOW: Leslie? It's Lazlow! With Integrity, not Intimacy! Well, they
offered me that gig, but even I won't stoop that low. You know, a couples
sexuality show. Taking calls from perverts and morons in the middle of the
night. "How to keep things hot in your marriage when she's as frigid as an
Eskimo? Is fidelity sexy? Let's talk about marital aides." I mean, give me a
break, people. Nobody wants to hear about sex on the radio. Please! C'mon,
Clarence.
THEODORE: It's Theodore.
LAZLOW: Bullsh*t! All saxophone players are called Clarence or Walter. You
know, for a musical people you sure are cranky.
THEODORE: Say what? What you--what you say?
LAZLOW: I mean, homeless people! Homeless p--I'm not racist. Let's face
facts, ladies and getlemen. Fair people of Liberty City. I may have stumbled in
life. Stumbled, been on my knees a little bit, but I'm a man. A tiger. I'm
Lazlow, and a tiger needs cubs. She was an intern. It was rock n' roll. What
did you expect? You know, I really thought my wife was more sophisticated than
that, but no, what did she do after she found out? She ran off with my best
friend, you cliché-ridden bitch! You're ridiculous! Well, you didn't tame me
and you couldn't tame me. You've tamed him, alright. I saw the pictures of you
guys online on your around-the-world vacation. Oh, I'm sure that was a lot of
fun. Sure, he's smiling now. You know I'm packing more junk than him. Trust me!
I'm the king of whisky dic*, but when I'm sober I'm a fuc*ing tiger! That's a
fact. A fact! Plus, I know I'm bigger 'cause I measured when he was asleep.
Seriously, if that was all I was packing, I wouldn't be sticking photos of
anything on the Internet. Let alone putting beautiful-rendered pictures of my
above-average broadsword on sites with a caption that says "What do u think,
ladies?" and use the letter "u" instead of y-o-u. Uh. Not that I've ever done
that. I--I haven't, but I mean seriously. What do you expect? Look at me! Women
can't handle me. I've got all the chromosomes. X, Y, Z. All of 'em! I'm a male.
You! Hot young jogger. A layer of sexy she-sweat forming on your attractive
brow. You want to bed a star right now?
JOGGER: Fuc* off, creep. This is called running. Not jogging. Jogging is
for dorks like you still stuck in the eighties. Maybe if you ran a little, you