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My Coming Out Story

By Eliza

Hi there. My name is Eliza, and, as of April 2006, I'm 18 years old. I'm a bisexual girl, semi-out.

When I take the time to think about it, I've known pretty much all my life that I was ‘different.’ Ever since I was very small, I've had feelings for other girls. My very first crush, when I was just six or seven, was on the granddaughter of a family friend. All through grade school, my only friends were girls and I had very deep affection for all of them. Not a romantic love, but I did care a lot about all of my female friends.

In middle school, I started looking at other girls differently. It was a rocky time for me; I wasn't very popular, and had only a few close friends.

There was one specific friend, Vicky, with whom I did practically everything. We went everywhere together, spent hours hanging out, and walked to and from school. I don't know what exactly about our friendship seemed unusual to other people, but rumours began circulating that she and I were a couple.

This upset us both greatly: Vicky had a crush on one of the boys who were responsible for spreading the rumours, and I was disturbed because I was already beginning to grapple with my sexuality.

I can remember the very first time I used the word ‘bisexual’ in reference to myself. I was thirteen, and I wrote in my journal that I thought I might be bi, because I had been having dreams about being sexual with other women, and because I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss or date some of the girls in my classes.

The next day, I reread the journal entry, and was very embarrassed and ashamed. I told myself that I wasn't really bisexual, I was just perverted. I believed that my feelings were the product of a certain leeriness about boys; I had self-esteem issues, and felt uncomfortable around guys my own age.

For the next two years, I denied my attraction to other girls, and tried to force myself to get crushes on boys. There were a few occasions in which I did find myself having feelings for guys, but somehow, I always found an outlet for my same-sex leanings —usually by writing semi-erotic fiction dealing with lesbian relationships.

About halfway through my tenth grade year, my sexuality just kind of exploded. It was like all the feelings I'd been repressing for most of my life had built up, and then the dam just burst. All at once, I found that I could no longer deny my orientation: I was bisexual, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I felt like I had to tell someone about this, because it was all too much for me to deal with on my own.

I chose to come out to Vicky. I didn't know how she would react, but she seemed like the ‘safe’ option; if she rejected me, I still had the possibility of my family supporting me.

Surprisingly, she was very cool about the whole thing. ‘As long as you're happy, I don't care who you choose to date.’

This response encouraged me enough that I was able to gather my strength and come out to my mother. She was understandably shocked, but over time, has come to, if not embrace it, at least accept my sexuality. We're attending counselling together, to help both of us adjust to this big change. I gradually came out to more of my close friends, and they have all accepted me.

I'm well aware of just how lucky I am to have had such an easy experience with coming out. I'm thrilled to realize just how open-minded and loving are the people with whom I've surrounded myself.

My father, a devout Catholic, is still unaware of my orientation. I'm not sure how he would react (my parents are divorced). My grandparents are also unaware, as are much of the rest of my family. If it ever becomes an issue — if I begin seeing someone — I will deal with it. Until then, however, I'm content to live my life and try to figure out who exactly I am.