Now, during my long and varied Forces career, I have of course eaten some pretty honking stuff. Normally I have been surrounded by oppos chanting "Eat it! Eat it!" which has helped no end. Especially when habving to eat a fist sized cockroach who you have bet on and has just lost it's race.

On Thursday though, on a run ashore for a mate leaving the RN, we were presented with the delicacy of Grasshoppers, worms and ants, all bought from www.Edible.com

Genius. On tuesday I am going to one of my girlfriend's mate's birthday party. I will be casually closing up at the table in the pub with a deep fried tarantula, some caterpillars and a Scorpion which I will munch away on without much fanfare. I am confident that these prim and proper girly civvy losers will react hilariously badly to this and I am engorged at the thought.

My mate whilst we were fishing down the deeps of Cornwall caught a fish, a man and his daughter were walking past. The little un walked up to him to see what he had caught. He showed her, she asked what he was going to do next so he snapped it and then bit it. Girl wasn't impressed and cried, we pissed ourselves laughing, the father walked off giving him the evils

1. A sheeps eye
2. Ants
3. Worms (Althought this doesn't really count as you eat these on survival courses)
4. Part of a hedgehog
5. Maggots
6. Breakfast in the Longmoor cookhouse

Out of the above, number 6 is the one that sticks in my mind with horror.

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I too have dined at the Longmoor cookhouse. There are few words that can describe walking in with a shocking hangover after drinking slightly off lager in the Longmoor Bullet all night and being faced with the horror that is powdered scrambled egg, tinned sausages and bacon fat, all washed down with radioactive lime squash.

You do realise that is the same stuff as they put in Cylumes? After drinking that, my piss smells like a mixture between the good old Sugar Puffs and an Embalmers work space. Oh, it's also radioactive.

On a boat in Emden. Duty with a hangover and the lads had invited these two German birds on board. After the usual goings on we wanted rid of them because they were stinking of piss and the novelty had gone.

The 'Trick': stick a chocolate button (or any chocolate) between the cheeks of your arse and wait for it to melt. When ready, fart, if you can't muster one then pick a time and make the noise of one. Pretend you have followed through then stick you hand down your crack to prove it.

Bring out said chocolate looking like a mini toblerone nestled on your forefinger. By now people normally start retching but it's when you stick your finger in your mouth that the required result is achieved.

Said Krauts fecked off after throwing up as did half of the duty watch as I hadn't told them what I was doing.