Plaid giraffes are some weird, scary things that can scar you for life. Clark Kent (not that one, a different one from FetLife) is going to tell us how to deal with them so that we may survive unscathed.

I heard that people weren’t happy with the party because…

When we had our first party at a rented venue over a year ago, it was a success. We broke even, aside from our equipment investment (which takes time to get back), and everyone there thanked us and told us they had a great time and looked forward to coming back. We had things to improve, but overall, it went better than we’d imagined it would.

Then the negative word-of-mouth reviews started coming in- a week or so later. And although the concerns were troubling and hard not to take personally at first, they all had a common denominator: the people complaining weren’t actually there. Yes. That’s right. They weren’t actually there, but they were complaining about the party and what we did wrong.

It was just a trickle at first. Then someone was at a munch in another community and thought we should know how people at the munch were talking about how we didn’t have DMs or security and so people shouldn’t go. So we needed to work on things or something. Now, if you’ve ever been to a party we were involved with, you know better than that.

Why am I bringing this up a year later? Because, when Poly-Pocket and I talk about other parties we’ve been to, especially new ones, we almost always hear, “I heard that people at the party weren’t happy because they had a bunch of plaid giraffes everywhere or didn’t have a purple orangutan.” I’m using these ridiculous examples because my point is, the word-of-mouth complaints are always obviously from people who were not there. If you were actually there, then you know better. Plaid giraffes you say? Hmm. I was there. I didn’t see any plaid giraffes, but then again, I don’t go looking for plaid giraffes when I don’t want to see them. Shocking, I know. Plaid giraffes could be anything here- needles, breath play, or gasp, touching the no-no bits. It doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, someone isn’t going to like it. If it’s a “play party” we’re doing weird shit to each other that is not socially acceptable in a social setting. Otherwise, it might as well be a munch. I have a complex method to deal with what I don’t want to see, but I’ll get to that later.

“But, but, but- Clark, for the love of all things holy! You just don’t understand. People don’t pay money and go to parties to see other peoples plaid giraffes!! The hosts, I hear, didn’t take the strict anti-plaid giraffe policy that was demanded of them!”

I get it. There are plaid giraffes I don’t want to see either. I don’t ever want to see a needle scene, for example. And I’ve been to lots of parties with needle scenes, even co-hosted them, and I have never once seen a needle scene.

My complex method will take awhile to explain. This would be a good time to pause and rehydrate. We’ll wait for you. Back? Ok. Here goes.

I don’t fucking look at the things I don’t want to see.

Okay, I lied. My “complex” system is stupid easy. See, play parties don’t put spotlights on all the scenes and rarely spotlight anything. They’re kinda darkish. You have to walk up and look at scenes to see the finer details- like that the giraffe is plaid.

Just because people can get their plaid giraffe on at a party doesn’t mean you’re gonna walk into a room full of plaid giraffes fucking, sucking, fisting, and cock punching each other. You’re thinking of a fucked up porno or possibly giraffe prison.

by Clark Kent

Your kink might not be my kink. So I’m just not going to look at it. Problem solved.