Living in My Car-- Day 19

This is an overview of the day-to-day changes I’ve undergone since I moved out of my parents’ house and started living out of/in my car. I also share other related thoughts and experiences. Today, June 17th, is my 19th day of living this way.

All in all, this is a fun, happy article. I want to share the joy I have been experiencing.

Yay!

Overview

I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced change so
drastically and rapidly before. It’s as if for several years intentions and
desire steadily built up, and then one day I decided to open the floodgates.
Then it took a week for me to prepare for the flood. Then I opened the gates,
and for the last two and a half weeks I’ve been riding the waves.

There really are so very many variables and ideas I could
talk about. It stirs my curiosity. I’ll do my best to focus on what is worth
exploring here in writing.

This has been like running down a trail in the woods that
just gets better and better as I go along. The uphills get bigger, and so do
the downhills. There are fallen trees to hurdle and limbo underneath. There are
streams to cross, even rocks to climb. As the environment becomes more variable,
I just keep moving faster. I’m all there.

Clarity

This is the most clear-minded I’ve ever been in my life. I
feel like my mind is being simultaneously boosted and reorganized. So, so much clutter is being cleared out. It
almost makes me so giddy it’s ridiculous.

Insight

I’ve been getting a powerful, ongoing stream of ideas and
insights lately. Part of the reason for this is that I consistently write them
down and act on them (which includes sharing them). So it only makes sense that
I keep getting more.

As you can see from the Archives, I’ve been blogging
more this month than I did most months in the past (aside from May/June in
2015). It’s the middle of the month and this is already the 11th
article I’m posting.

In addition, I’ve been doing a considerable amount of
private writing (“journaling”) on a near-daily basis. I’ve been writing far
more than I did when I lived at the house. This has added to the stream of
clarity. I feel my thoughts are becoming far more disciplined and
well-organized. Writing is much easier overall, too.

Gut Instinct

My gut feeling has been lit up lately. It’s so strong
it’s pretty much impossible to ignore. And it amazes me how on-point it often
is.

Yesterday I went for a brief walk in a small but lively
town. I was about to head back to my car, though I noticed a small store was
open that I had been to once before. I was surprised because I knew it opened
only a few times a month (it’s volunteer-run).

I went in the store and said hello to a few people who were
walking out. I walked straight ahead to a bookshelf, and saw a book. It was an
anthology of stories of people who have climbed the Adirondack High Peaks.

I looked all around the book for its price but didn’t see it
anywhere. My next impulse was to ask the woman behind the counter what the
price was. Logically it seemed rather pointless because I had 29 cents on hand
and knew I couldn’t afford it. But I barely allowed that thought to pass before
I started speaking.

After looking at the book herself and likewise failing to
find the price, she said, “Well, the author is right here, so we can ask her.”

What?!

I actually had walked by the author when I first arrived at
the store. She helped out at the store too, and was bringing items in.

So I didn’t get to buy the book, but I got to talk to the
person who wrote it. I say that’s priceless. J

Had I decided to be more logical and not make a supposedly “pointless”
inquiry, that wouldn’t have happened. I might have seen the author when she
walked back into the store, but I would have had no idea who she was. We
basically would have just passed by each other.

I feel like intuition is taking over more and more of my
decisions. At the same time, I feel more deliberate. Perhaps this beckons to
the idea that logic and emotion are not actually at odds with each other, but
can synergize. Whatever the case, this is worth exploring in greater depth (I’ve
been saying that a lot lately. I have lots to do!).

Diet

Another contributing factor to this elevation in clarity is
my diet. With a handful of exceptions, my diet has basically been raw vegan
since I left the house (I’ve been 100% vegan for the last 13 months).

The first week and a half the only cooked food I ate was a
small amount of rice—perhaps two handfuls. This was primarily due to not having
anywhere to cook, nor any good way of storing cooked food (not for long,
anyway).

Then, there came a string of three consecutive days where I
ate cooked food. I felt terrible. I was pooping water.

At first I thought eating cooked food would be great. It’s
easy to get a lot of calories in that way. I was desirous of calories.

After consumption, however, I had a change of heart. I
thought, Greater energy? Where’s the
energy in feeling heavy, bloated, sluggish, foggy-brained, constipated, and in
pain?

I’d rather eat fewer, high-quality calories than more cheap
ones. I’m more functional this way.

The only cooked foods I was eating on a regular basis the
last several months at home were rice, lentils, and several cooked vegetables—eggplant,
mushrooms, and broccoli (which I sometimes would eat raw instead, depending on
whether it was bought frozen).

Saying goodbye to cooked vegetables was about as easy as
blinking. As for the rice and lentils, most of my calories came from them, so
there’s certainly a drastic change here. At least the cooked foods I was eating
were pretty clean. I also stopped using oil while cooking quite some time ago
(I sautee vegetables in water), so that helps with the adjustment, too.

Today is day 4 of the 30-day period. I can’t imagine why I
would go back after the 30 days are over, but I guess we’ll see.

I certainly didn’t mean to become a raw vegan when I left
the house. It just kind of happened. I thought it would be at least a few more
months before I tried this, but it’s the easiest way to eat when you can’t cook
(conveniently) or store food for long. I ended up liking it so much that I want
it to be the norm for me now.

If nothing else, I hope I turn into a gorilla.

Faith

All in all, I feel very inclined to trust the universe. I’m
changing so much at once and diving off the edge of so many things, I need to
trust—I need faith.

It doesn’t feel like blind faith, though. I’m just doing
what I know is right to do. I’m just saying goodbye to things that disempower,
drain, and hold me back, and saying “hello” wherever my heart opens.

To me, faith refers
to the experience of trust. It’s the glow and the power you feel as a side
effect of trusting in your highest self. Faith is the experience of full-out
trust. It’s what you have when your trust does not waver.

Choosing to trust in yourself is one of the most powerful
things you can do.

Really, nothing is accomplished without trust. Without trust
of yourself, what sort of life are you living? You’re constantly in fear.
You’re constantly on the run. Obviously you can never be sure of yourself.
You’re always questioning your own motives. You aren’t sure whether you might
be living with a villain.

On the other hand, when you trust yourself, you don’t have
to worry about your motives. When you can truly trust yourself, it means that
your intentions are pure—right where you consciously would want them to be.
When that is the case, you don’t have to worry about appearing villainous (even
though you will, to some). The man who can trust in himself completely is
beyond good and evil. ;)

Self-Love

Being Silly

I’ve also been feeling notably more comfortable with myself.
Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed if people see me eating in my car or
brushing my teeth in a public bathroom (perhaps there’s a better way to do
that), for instance. But in general I feel not merely less shameful about being
myself—I feel more joyful about being in my own body.

I think essentially living in the public eye 24/7 has
contributed to this. If I try stifling and hiding myself all the time I’ll go
mad, so I might as well get used to just doing what I need to do regardless of
who sees.

When I first started this I would get self-conscious about
people seeing my things in the trunk, for example, and wondering whether I
lived in the car. Now it’s more like, duh,
of course I do. The thought of what people may think simply doesn’t bother
me as much anymore.

I have a much easier time singing publicly, letting bugs
crawl on my arms (rather than pretend I’m afraid of them), shoving my schnoz in
a flower so I can smell its beautifulness, occasionally talking to the bugs…

I guess the downside is that I might look like a nutcase. That
would be an accurate assessment of me, though, because some days I eat almost a
pound of nuts.

Goodness, you’d find it hard to believe that I’m not into
men. What, with all the nuts and bananas I consume…!

Doing Things
Respectably

Anyway, a more powerful reason for this boost in self-love
has been the decision to no longer relate to people on a basis of tolerance.

This change is steadily contributing to my clarity of mind,
as well. When you let go of disempowering relationships, you begin to free
yourself from all the thought patterns of that relationship. Such thought
patterns include things the other person would normally say to you, as well as
things you would say to them. The way that you and that person related to one
another is released, and you free up mental bandwidth to consciously cultivate
a new thought pattern.

I say “begin to free yourself” because the change doesn’t
happen all at once. Sometimes you’ll still hear, in your mind, that person
bickering with you about something stupid, but then you’ll wake up and remember
that you don’t have to own up to them anymore. You are free to choose the
contents of your own mind—which thoughts you will amplify, and which you will
banish.

I feel more like an adult now that I’ve vowed to take care
of myself. Maybe I can’t do a great job of it right now (meaning that the
stomach goes a little empty sometimes), but it’s time to start on this path,
and I can tell this is the way to greater self-respect. I can tell that I will
feel so much more grateful for every morsel of food that passes through my
hands now—not because there’s less of it, but because I’ll have gotten it in a
way that is more congruent with who I am.

I think it’s better to do things in a way that you respect
than to do them “perfectly” (supposedly). At first your way of doing things
might appear to be stupid or sub-par. But if you trust yourself and feel good
about what you are doing, the reality is that you simply need to grow into this
path, one day at a time.

When you do things in a manner that you respect, you empower
yourself to continue taking action. Each time you take action you get another
result, and you refine your approach a little more. Keep that up long enough,
and a method that once appeared laughable now is admirable.

In my situation, doing things “perfectly” would have looked
like staying at my parents’ house, getting to sleep in a bed and eat all the
food I want, and waiting until I have enough money to rent an apartment and
take care of myself effectively (i.e. buy enough food and other needed items)
while there.

What I did instead was to leave when I felt staying at the
house was no longer the right path for me. So with some fruit, almonds, and
about $50 in the bank, I put my most important belongings in my car (which
legally isn’t “mine,” I should add, since I haven’t paid a cent for it, though
I’m the only one who used it. Though my name is somewhere) and left.

Obviously this is a much jankier, more “dirtbag” approach,
but you know what? It works.

I didn’t have to wait around forever for a certain dollar
amount to be in my bank account (not that I had an income anyway. LOL). Instead
I could just do what I wanted, right then and there. Now, I can keep doing it.

Other Thoughts

Normalcy

I’ve reached the point where this has become so normal for
me that I’ve effectively forgotten what it’s like to live any other way. I just
go in and out of the car throughout the day, taking out some things and putting
others away, and don’t think much more than, Of course this is how I do things.

It’s still fun, but it isn’t particularly “out there” for me
anymore. It just is what it is.

At this point, behind closed doors, in my own
private world, it feels perfectly normal and natural to live in my car. Of course! Why would you consider that it
isn’t?

Intellectually I have to remind myself that there are people
on the planet who live in houses. Not only do
they exist—they are in the majority. Though I am natural, I am not normal.

Intellectually I can understand the ways of these people,
but emotionally I do not.

If I see a house, I think: That’s right. Those big boxy things-- people sleep in them. OK. I guess
I can see that they would do that.

Likewise, if I see the inside of someone’s car: Why would they organize things that way?
That doesn’t leave any room to… Oh, wait. People don’t sleep in those things. That’s just me (and some other
weirdos).

Where in your life do you feel like this? Something feels
perfectly natural to you, but statistically it wouldn’t be considered normal?

No Fear

On a similar note, all in all I’m not that afraid of going
hungry. I’ve been through it several times before, so I basically know what to
expect. It’s kind of like a person I’ve seen a bunch of times.

The last time was during my semester off from school (Fall
2015). The first time was when I was anorexic in high school (Winter/Spring
2013).

I’m glad I had that second experience in the Fall because
otherwise I might be sitting here right now thinking I’m doomed to turn into a
sub-90 pound skeleton. But last time I learned that that isn’t necessarily the
case: I didn’t lose a pound.

That doesn’t mean I wasn’t frakin hungry though… or without
a certain womanly function.

Anyway, during that second experience (which lasted about
3-4 months—hard to say exactly where it ended) I would get quite frustrated
about my situation, and I would feel very anxious while eating. I spoke about
that in a podcast, The School-less Semester.

I do get anxious sometimes these days, but I get over the
feeling much more quickly. I often decide that my own individual survival just
isn’t that exciting—it’s not what I want to put my attention on.

That may sound illogical, like a lot of things I say, but I
am under the impression that survival is much easier when it is regarded as a worthy
byproduct of a life well lived, rather than the primary end of one’s day. I
certainly would like to survive. I like being here. But worrying about survival
all the time makes surviving a bit less enjoyable, don’t ya think? I’ll attend
to my physical needs as I need to, and, well, that’s it.

I don’t mean to give the impression that I don’t care about
my health. I know that greater health (primarily, in my case, eating more food)
allows me to be even more energetic and to do even more. I imagine it would
help with thinking more clearly and deeply as well, as long as it is healthy
food.

I feel that I need to grow into taking optimal care of
myself. For some reason I don’t feel right now that I can handle eating to
perfect satisfaction. I don’t think that’s necessarily a product of
self-hatred, either. I think it’s more of a matter of calibration: in this
case, getting used to taking care of myself independently.

It’d be like if a person who lives in a slum was suddenly
given the key to a mansion. It’d be great, but something would be off.

A better example is when a person wins the lottery. They’re
really happy and they can quit their job and yay… But things get kinda weird. Maybe
they spend a lot of time and money on things they don’t really want, or they
don’t know what to do with themselves at all.

I think the reason for things feeling “weird” or “off” would
be that, deep down, the recipient doesn’t really feel worthy of that stuff. It’s
not that they hate themselves. They just don’t really understand what they’re
receiving. They cannot truly appreciate it. It feels more like a distraction or
a burden than a gift. The object cannot be enjoyed as it is. There are too many
disorganized thoughts floating around—thoughts of fears, expectations, and
unrealistic dreams.

The main problem behind that type of situation is that the
recipient thinks that whatever they are receiving will fundamentally make their
lives better. Of course, since the thing being received is a material object,
we know this isn’t the case.

Overall, I think change will come about in this area of my
life steadily.

Sleeping in the Car

I must say, the freedom that comes with knowing I can live
out of a car is tremendous. As long as I can keep it fueled, I can travel
anywhere I want and not have to concern myself with finding somewhere to sleep.
I just park somewhere appropriate and zonk.

Hotels are certainly very nice, and I enjoy staying in them,
but they’re kind of a glorified bed (sometimes with breakfast). If there’s
somewhere you want to go, and the cost is daunting to you, you don’t have to pay
$200 a night just to sleep. Not when you can stay in your car! :D

Of course, I would also suggest that you simply make more
money, but if the cost of a place to sleep is the only thing holding you back,
and you really want to go, don’t waste your time. Go now!

My car is fabulous to sleep in. I can put the front seat so
far back that it squishes the back seat—I can nearly lie flat. I just adjust
the seat, climb into a sleeping bag, and I fall asleep in minutes.

Usually I wake up 1-2 times during the night (such as if a
garbage truck is spinning in circles right next to me… Damn Wal-Mart!), and I
fall back to asleep within several minutes very easily. I had the same sleeping
patterns in my bed at my parents’ house, though I’d always have to go to the
bathroom when I woke up during the night. Now, amazingly, I don’t have to
anymore. Maybe since the option isn’t as easily accessible, my body decides
that letting out a sprinkle just isn’t as important anymore. It can wait. :)

My only other suggestion: if you take children with you on
your trip, you shouldn’t leave them in the backseat. You’ll squish them. You’ll
have to find another place to put them for the night.

Consider the trunk. It’s undoubtedly the safest place in the
car. There are no windows to be broken nor locks to be picked (unless your car
is considerably old). If your trunk is closed off from the rest of your car,
you get bonus points for safety. If someone breaks in, there’s no way they’ll
get to the trunk! You might as well get your kids accustomed to curling up in
the trunk now. Clearly this is the best option.

Of course, the decision is up to you. I only hope that you’ll
choose consciously.