Long ago, when I decided I could no longer be the person who was
dishonest and cheated, I decided to walk away from them both. I ended my affair and I left my high school
sweetheart.

Walking away from my high school sweetheart...I am pretty sure that
was self preservation.

And when I walked away from Sio...I am 100% sure it was self
preservation.

But the guy I cheated on my high school sweetheart with...what was
it exactly that I was walking away from...I'm not sure...but the closest I can
come to explaining it is...I was walking away from my old self and walking
towards my new self.

I still had a long way to go but I needed a clean slate.

A clean slate...hmmm...

Is that what walking away does?

Is that what's at the end of the mile?

A clean slate?

So if I walk the mile...walk away from cycling...walk away from
any chance of pregnancy and giving birth...will I be giving myself that clean
slate?

The clean slate that I need to embrace what life has in store for
me...

Monday, November 18, 2013

I think there comes a time in person's life when you decide the
kind of person that you want to be.

It's called growing up.

It may not happen overnight. It may take many attempts at changing
and many hard life lessons but with each lesson you grow up just a little bit.

I remember years ago (many, many years ago) when I was with my
high school sweetheart and I went off to college, I was so afraid of losing
him. So afraid of not being with him. And even though we were two completely
different people than when were together in high school, I still tried so
desperately to hang on.

But I was growing. I was changing and in amongst all this change I
made some very bad, hurtful decisions.

Instead of allowing us to change and move on in the direction in
life we needed to, I tried to keep what we had and move on at the same
time. In trying to do this I ended up
cheating on him. I had an affair.

I rationalized it. I tried to make it his fault. He wasn't there. He wasn't growing up and
changing with me. But no, I know now it was my fault. I was the one that made
that decision.

But really some 20 odd years later who cares. Right? Who cares
that I cheated on my high school sweetheart.

But you see here's the thing. During that time, some 20 years ago,
I cared. That time when I was cheating on him, I felt so horrible. I felt like
such an awful person that I vowed never to cheat again. I ended my affair and
until this day I never cheated.

I decided that I didn't want to be that kind of person. I decided
right then and there that I wanted to be a better person.

But in the process of all this change...in the process of growing
up...I hurt two people that didn't deserve it.

I am not saying that in that moment I was a grown up and that I
was always going to make all the right choices.

I had many other moments where I was making bad decisions.

Inappropriate men, drugs, drinking too much and used to blame this
behavior on my father because he left when I was little.

Oh yes...I had it all abandonment issues, daddy issues.

But that's not an excuse...

I made those choices.

I know this now.

It is solely on me.

Those were my choices and my decisions and I can't rationalize it
and blame my father just like I can't blame my high school sweetheart for me
cheating on him.

And when I came to these
realizations, I had to fight to change who I was, fight to be the better person
I wanted to be and become that person.

I grew up a little more.

There are struggles, many, I am not perfect but what happens when there
are people in your life making bad decisions. People who you fundamentally
disagree with their choices and their moral code.

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look
the other way? Excuse their behavior?

How do I do this when I know how hard I've worked to learn from my
mistakes?

How hard I have worked to grow and change into the type of person
I want to be?

Are they learning from their mistakes and growing? Or repeating
the same bad behavior over and over.

And for how long do you wait for them to grow up?

Most people would say that you shouldn't have those people in your
life. That you should distance yourself
and remove them from your life.

Walk away.

But really is it ever that easy?

Now, what if those people are your family or a close friend. Do
you walk away? Should you walk away?

What if that person is someone you love? And their choices and
their actions have directly hurt you?

Do you wait for them to grown up? Do you turn a blind eye and look
the other way? Excuse their behavior? For how long?

How do you know when to walk away?

Because the one thing I realize, that after 4 years of battling
Infertility, I have a hard time walking away...

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About Me

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ~ Shel Silverstein
Contact me at asinglejourney@ymail.com