Monday, September 24, 2007

I just finished watching an episode of my favorite reality T.V. show...Cops. ("Huh! Bad boys! Whatchu gun, whatchu gonna do!") Damn, Inner Circle made out like bandits with that one didn't they?! Here's a little known factoid about moi. I have a relative who was on Cops. This was a proud moment in my family's history, let me tell you!!! I was in high school, but man do I remember this like it was yesterday! A close friend of the family called to say that he saw my uncle on Cops. The family friend lives out of town and caught an earlier broadcasting of the episode so we were able to make the calls and gather around the T.V. in time to watch the spectacle. Cops San Diego - the officers got called out to a domestic dispute. They arrive at the house and my uncle answers the door. The officers told him that the neighbors called because there was a disturbance. He's calm and swears there's no problem. His wife comes to the door and says everything is ok. The cops leave, but not before warning him that if they get called back out he's going to jail. Fast forward to a few hours later. The cops are called AGAIN. The neighbors say they're really going at it this time. So, the officers show up and knock on the door. And my uncle answers the door...COVERED IN FLOUR! And jelly...and eggs...and ketchup. Yeah...take that one in for a minute...speaking in a normal voice like there's no problem. "Hello officers, lovely day isn't it?"So, the camera crew comes in and the kitchen is wrecked (you know they weren't going to pass this one up!) There isn't a surface that isn't covered in food. Talk about bad aim! Cupboards, counter tops, floors, walls covered. I mean, if this scene was in a movie, you'd say "they went way overboard with that shit. There's no way anyone having a real food fight would cover EVERY surface in the kitchen!" Yeah, like that. Here's the funny part though (yeah, funnier...imagine that.) None of us had been in contact with this uncle in months...maybe even longer. They take him away in the police car covered in jelly & shit. As God is my witness, I swear no sooner than the episode ended he calls to ask for money because he has a court date in San Diego Monday and he needed to take the train down there (they'd moved out of town after the little incident.) This fool didn't realize that we'd all just watched the entire thing play out on T.V. and he tried to lie about it. I think he said he had to go to traffic court or some shit. Dumbass...

Ok, one more thing though about Cops. What is it with the people all effed up on PCP? These dudes are identical. Big tall muscular black dude, butt naked, dripping with sweat, big buggy eyes repeating some random shit. Usually running down the middle of the street, often bleeding. Big ass mosaic covering his parts. Busting through fences and brick walls. Sometimes he'll get up on the roof or go into a crawl space and they have to drag his ass out. And his mama is there in her house coat begging him to stop and still, it's hopeless. It takes about 10 officers to get this guy subdued but not before he busts through a pair of handcuffs! What on earth would EVER make anyone want to try PCP? Are they curious to know what it feels like to have super human strength? To bust through a window head first and be unphased by it? To get shot and still keep running full speed? It has to make you feel real hot too, because PCP and nudity are synonymous. It's hardly a recreational drug. I don't think dudes sit around with the homies smoking PCP (or however you ingest it.) And these guys always have such ripped bodies! They clearly go to the gym or have weights in the front yards or something. Seems like a conflict of interests to me. Dunno....

Let me start off by saying that I am TIRED…I got NO sleep last night! So I'm going to try my best not to rant…too much.

One of the things that I was taught in elementary school that has stuck in my mind now for 20+ years is The Golden Rule…"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." I remember in 2nd or 3rd grade our teacher made a huge deal about The Golden Rule. I mean, we spent like a whole week on it (or maybe it was just an hour or two, but that shit seemed like forever.) My school was huge on teaching us how to be good citizens. We even had "Citizen of the Week" in our class, assigned to 1 boy and 1 girl who were the best little helpers or whatever for the week. It was never clear what the criteria was for selecting "Citizen of the Week", and it always seemed that the same kids were picked week after week. So, the rest of us pretty much felt like we were shitty citizens when we weren't picked…but that's a different story. Anyway, our teacher gave us examples of how to apply The Golden Rule, and we in turn regurgitated this information and it in turn drove our parents ape shit. But the lesson was an important one nonetheless – always treat others the way you'd want them to treat you. Any way you slice it, that's not such a bad thing to teach little impressionable kiddies. I must say though…I'm pretty convinced that this rule wasn't taught to everyone outside of Irvine Unified School District. People are so inconsiderate that it's comical at times.

Example, I was at Target yesterday. It was Sunday; the new mailer just came out…I guess I had a death wish. But I had to grab some essentials so I had no choice but to brave the crowds. I pulled into the parking lot and it was PACKED. Kids are darting in and out between cars, big vans are taking up two spots & everyone and their abuelita was there. The parking gods were with me though because there was a spot right up front! As I pull into it, I notice that there's a shopping cart in the spot. I shit you not, 2 spaces to my left was the little shopping cart corral. Some lazy bastard just left the cart there in the ONLY open space within 100 feet of the door instead of walking 15 feet to park the damn thing with all of the other carts. And I look up to see a woman across the parking lot taking her ONE BAG out of her cart and parking the cart BEHIND the car parked next to her, before getting into her car and driving off. So, when this other person comes out of the store he won't be able to back his car out of his spot without first finding a place for the cart that old lazy ass left for him to move. I'm watching this lady carefully park the cart behind someone else's car, parallel to their bumper. I mean, she was careful…making sure it didn't roll out into traffic. What's the difference in that and just saying eff it and shoving the fuckin cart out into the middle of the road?! (That would have been very entertaining to watch!) So, when this guy comes out of the store he is now faced with having to return his cart as well as the cart of this lazy heffa?! Amazing…

People are assholes. I mean, not every single person in this world…but on a grand scale…as a whole…people are assholes. I'd say maybe 50% of people in the world are assholes. Walk through your office & count the assholes and tell me I'm wrong. Go…right now. I'll wait...

What'd you get? 50%? Maybe 60%? See, told you!!!

People are selfish, rude and inconsiderate. They let elevators close in your face, talk on cell phones in the movie theater, put calls on speaker when they could just as easily pick up the receiver and spare us the noise, and they don't wipe their sweat off of gym equipment. They sneeze/cough without covering their mouths, they don't hold doors open when they see that your hands are full, they take the tops off of muffins and leave the bottom part for someone else, they cut you off on the road and then give YOU the finger, steal parking spots you've been waiting on for 10 minutes, and don't call you back when they say they will. Oh, and my new favorite…they stand you up for dates (LOVE that!!!) And these same people piss and moan when bad shit happens to them (and they can't seem to figure out why!) I'm ranting, but there is a point to it. If you don't already do this, please try. Try to put yourself in the shoes of other people. The world would be such a better place if everyone did. I mean, seriously. If you see someone drop their papers and shit is flying all over the parking lot, stop to help them. It's what…30 seconds out of your life? If that 30 seconds is going to make you late to wherever you're headed, your ass was going to be late any damn way. If you flake on someone, apologize for it the next time you talk to them. A sincere apology…not some old bullshit. You'd want them to do the same for you, wouldn't you? If you just answered no, you're one of the 50%-60% I was just referring to and I encourage you to never procreate. You never know though…you might need that person for something one day and they'll be less inclined to lend you a hand. Everything you put out into the universe both good and bad comes back to you. If you're a considerate person, that will come back to you. If you're inconsiderate and disregard others, that will come back to you as well…asshole.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Why do people insist upon eating stinky food at their desks? These people are inconsiderate martyrs who want to make it a point that they're just sooooo busy or soooo dedicated that they barely have time to eat lunch and certainly don't have 10 free minutes to step away from their desks to eat the stinky leftovers that they brought from home in a designated dining area. There's a guy in my office who eats…I don't know what the eff it is…some kind of stinky, pungent concoction EVERY single day. I feel kind of sorry for him because it's clear to me that this is the only dish his wife knows how to make and it's the SAME thing every day. Unless, of course she makes a variety of different dishes that just happen to smell the same way. It's inexplicable really…almost like a curried something with chili peppers, onions, and garlic. It hits your nostrils the way the aromas of an Indian Sweet Shop do the first time you walk into one. Kind of slaps you in the face like a Tandoori and Nag Champa diaper mixed with body funk. Anyway, I was running down the hall to the copier this morning, hair freshly pressed blowing behind me and I ran passed Mr. Stinky's desk. The pungent aroma assaulted my nostrils and I whipped my head around, causing my hair to stick to my MAC glossed lips. I made this "what the fuck?!" half angry/half confused FULLY violated look staring at the back of his head and my cube neighbor caught me in mid glare and began laughing out loud hysterically. The laughter snapped me back into reality, thank God! I think my expression pretty much summed up how he and others within a 50 foot radius were feeling. I mean, ok so the curry Tandoori/Vindaloo onion whatever-the-fuck smells good to YOU. Great! But come on…no one wants to smell that shit at 10:00 on a Monday morning!!!! I'm sure his wife opened a window or two while making it for dinner. In an interior office we don't have the luxury of opening a window. That funk will linger until tomorrow when he brings more in. PEOPLE! If you work in an office and you're sooooo busy that the future of the company is riding on your shoulders and if you take 10 minutes to step away from your desk to eat, the walls of Jericho will come tumbling down then PLEASE for fucksake don't eat any of the following at your desk:
1.) Indian Food
2.) Mexican Food
3.) Chitterlings or Greens (the vinegar smell in the greens will get you slapped.)
4.) ANY Fish/Seafood (NO clam chowder. New England…Manhattan…doesn't matter. I don't care if it is in a bread bowl. It's fish soup! Cold tuna salad is ok; hot ass tuna melt – not ok)
5.) Italian Food
6.) Carribean Food
7.) Pad Thai or any other Thai dish
8.) Basically anything hot and spicy that was warmed in the microwave before bringing it to your desk.

I love many of the foods mentioned above (except chittlerlings…I'm from Orange County!) but just because I love them doesn't mean the person next to me loves them. Be considerate of your neighbors. Someday when you're big and important and get an office with A DOOR, you can bring in a pig on a spit for all I care. But until then…sandwiches are for the desk, Tandoori is for the kitchen. NO EXCEPTIONS!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Why do so many old women wear the same stinky perfume? Do women get to a certain age & suddenly stop liking perfume that actually smells good? As we get older does our perception of what smells good & what doesn't change? There's this certain old lady perfume smell that you never smell on younger women. It's kind of musky & spicy. WHO manufactures that stinky mess and where do you go to buy it? Mervyn's or Sears perhaps??? Or maybe Rite-Aid. I bet they sell it in a gift set year 'round. You probably get a talc powder and little wrist watch or picture frame with it. How do you hear about it? Do you smell it on another old lady and exclaim "Gladys! That perfume is FABULOUS! Who makes it? I simply must have it for myself!" There's a woman in my office who keeps walking by my cube and she's wearing Eau de Granny and it's violating my sinuses right now…and it lingers...like Pigpen's funk cloud. Damn, I wish I had a sinus infection right now…