A Strictly “Adult” Birthday

I recently celebrated a birthday which I kept strictly adult. And by strictly adult, I’m referring to the fact that there’s no way I received toys intended for children for my 33rd birthday celebration. But before we debate my adult-hood status, let’s start out with how Mr. VS received a bonus at work a few weeks before my birthday.

When I first heard the news that Mr. VS was indeed a few sticky pennies richer, the first comment that came to mind and was thus upon my lips was the following:

“What’s my cut? WhatdoIgit?”

Mr. VS loves harassing me so he declared that I get nothing because whenever I come into my own additional sticky pennies, I refuse to share them with him. I retorted that if you get extra money from your regular job, you have to share, however when you get money from doing other work outside your regular job, you don’t have to share. These are my arbitrary laws that serve my own dastardly purposes just fine indeed, because duh, self-serving.

Now that I knew that Mr. VS was richer, I proceeded to enumerate to him all the items that I desire for him to purchase for me with his windfall. First, I told him that I am in desperate need of Legos. I explained that I’m a reasonable person and am willing to go cheap and purchase them second hand on Ebay. Mr. VS said that second-hand legos are disgusting because “you don’t know where they’ve been.” I replied: Bleach.

So yea, I want Legos. I think somehow I got this desire for Legos from my post about my 80’s Time Capsule. It reminded me that Legos are amazing and I want to play with some right away. Mr. VS didn’t seem to understand that this was a matter of survival.

Secondly, I told Mr. VS that I am in dire need of a “big butt bike seat.” Mr. VS asked me to elaborate on this idea and I said…I need one of those bike seats that’s got the big springs, the cushy smooshy gel seat and is wide enough to fit even my large back side. Mr. VS, I believe, was embarrassed that I wanted this item. I’m sure he’d be embarrassed to be seen with me when we bike because my seat would be ginormous. He prefers style over pain.

So over the next weeks, I continued to harrass Mr. VS about “my cut” and “WhatdoIgit”? He continued to ignore me, a thing he is very good at.

Then it was my birthday. Time for the celebrations to begin! First off, my expectations for Mr. VS regarding birthday gifts are extremely low. He’s gotten me a few gifts over the years but never on any kind of regular schedule. So…I don’t expect much. But for now, put that information aside, as I explain how the birthday went down.

First we did things in a very adult fashion by going to dinner in our swankiest nearby town at a swanky place on the ocean. I proceeded to order an expensive seafood dish and a very expensive adult beverage and then let Mr. VS pay. I’m an awesome wife.

The best thing about this night was that it was supposed to be a girl’s night with my friends, however due to my vehicle deciding it didn’t want to live anymore, Mr. VS had to bring me. You see, Mr. VS drives a standard while I drive an automatic. When I was young and fresh and full of vim and vigor, I too used to drive the old stick shift, however, it’s been several years since those long lost days.

So…in order for me to attend my “girl’s night out” with my friends, I had to have Mr. VS drive me in his standard vehicle since I couldn’t be trusted to navigate the standard gears on my own without grinding out some hamburger. Thus, the girl’s night suffered the addition of a “male creature.” Mr. VS acted pouty, but I think he had a very good time and felt that he had a harem. Additionally since several of my friends are getting divorced, he felt that he’s the best husband going. He fails to realize that now he’s the ONLY husband going. But don’t tell him that. I like him to think he’s the best one going and actually, he is. Shhhh!!!

We made it through though, despite the addition of testosterone to our party of estrogen. The food was delish, the drinks were very good and we had a great time, for early birds that is (LAME, yes we’re old). The next celebration for my birthday was with my family at the parental abode. Lo and behold (RHYMING!), I had a very adult birthday where I didn’t receive any children’s toys whatsoever. Just kidding!!! I was hoping to receive at least the Big Butt Bike Seat and instead I not only received that bastion of bike accessories but also the Legos!! Mr. VS came through!

I felt slightly ridiculous opening these items in front of my family as I had to explain why I wanted Legos and of course the size of the bike seat was very embarrassing (however, you’re right, my family already knows I’m ridic, so clearly I was worried for nothing). Plus, after the fact, I guess the Legos aren’t that embarrassing because it seems universally accepted that Legos are sweet.

Mr. VS bought me Star War’s Legos. So guess what bitches? I totes have Storm Troopers and a Storm Trooper Transport. I also have a Snow Speeder WITH a Luke Skywalker figure. I also received a very large, very cushy Big Butt Bike Seat, which when placed upon my bike dwarfed it in size. It’s stunning, top heavy and yes, embarrassing and embarrassingly comfortable. People, I am a consummate adult. I think you’ve really reached adulthood once you’ve received or bought yourself a children’s toy. I have MADE IT!!

I don’t really know how else to tell you guys that I am currently #winning at life. The only downside is that my birthday is technically a day to get older. As you get older, it’s no longer really something to celebrate. One of my cousin’s texted me and said…sorry I missed your birthday! I said, that’s okay, I’m just older! I feel like once you pass say 28, birthdays are more something to grin and bear, or suffer through silently as you grit your teeth against the harsh speeding and whipping winds of aging. Your hair will fly back from your face and some of it may fall out or change colors. HANG THE FUCK ON TO YOUR HATS! That’s how fast this aging thing is moving. It’s terrifying. Man should never travel that fast (or woman).

When I emailed my girlfriends after my family birthday party, I told them I had received My Adult Gifts: Legos and the Big Butt Bike Seat. I also told them I had an Amazon gift card that I didn’t know how to spend. Should I buy responsible adult items or more Legos? I wrote in my email: I AM A GROWN ASS WOMAN and I WANT MORE LEGOS.

Guys, the moral of the story is, don’t age. Aging is like being on a bullet train to death town. You don’t want that. No one does. So fight the inevitable by buying (or receving through your spouse’s bonus) your Legos and Big Butt Bike Seats while you can friends. The train is pulling into the station any day now.

Whoo whooo!!!!!

And THAT my friends, is how you do a random, meandering weird blog post. I think I may have just leveled up to Master. (Hey! I didn’t level up to Master just by celebrating a birthday and aging! You ageist BASTARD!)

P.S. did you know that there’s this Proper language and micro-aggression dealio showing up on college campuses that says that the proper term for someone old is: Old Person. It’s no longer cool to call someone a Senior Citizen or Senior. Excuse me…I don’t want people to be like…HEY OLD LADY!! or HEY LOOK AT THAT OLD PERSON OVER THERE! Uncool young people, uncool.

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Victoria Sawyer is a blogger, author, aspiring graphic designer, social media enthusiast and mental health advocate. Shocking, honest, sarcastic and humorous, Victoria aims to make readers feel tangible emotions and physical sensations through writing that brings you into the mind and body of someone suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and this strange often darkly hilarious thing we call life. She published her novel Angst in 2013, which realistically and often graphically depicts life with mental illness. Along with crazy blogging, Victoria enjoys reading historical novels, playing with her naughty cats, engaging in rants and metaphysical existential meltdowns and using punctuation to excess in everything she writes.

Honestly I only need money for a few things and mostly those are toys. My Xbox, and games and a few other things. She buys most everything else that I don’t care to, like food, paying bills and and kids clothes. So it works for me.