KEELY TURNER: Franchise secrets of ‘The Bachelor’

This is the cast of “The Bachelor” season 23. -ABC/Submitted - Contributed

Everything you didn’t know about the popular ABC reality show

Reality television is my soulmate.

Keely Turner

I loyally watch every season of “Teen Mom”, “The Challenge” and “Vanderpump Rules”, but I am downright obsessed with “The Bachelor”.

I have fallen into the deepest crevices of the Internet, I’ve scrolled through Instagram comment sections 9,000 entries long, I’ve read Reddit forums, I’ve listened to podcasts and I’ve purchased the tell-all books from ‘Bachelor’ nation alums. In the time and effort I have given “The Bachelor” and all of its spin-off shows, I could have gotten 10 PhDs.

If you’ve been busy enjoying time with loved ones and reading the news, then you may not know what “The Bachelor” is. “The Bachelor” is a tournament to find a spouse. It includes yachts, helicopters and private performances from bands the cast pretends to recognize. And it’s crazy to me that I managed to find a husband without any of those things (although it did take me five years, whereas “The Bachelor” wraps filming within two months).

The “lead” dates about 30 contestants, eventually narrowing it down to one and embarking on an engagement and a life of advertising products on Instagram. It’s riveting.

If your Monday nights are reserved for roses and rosé, then you know what “The Bachelor” is, but you may not know its secrets.

“Can I steal you for a second?”

One of the arguments every season is centred around someone stealing the lead to chat too many times. With a 30 to one ratio, everyone is fighting for time. But guess what? The producers decide when contestants can talk to the lead, so this argument seems moot.

Check out this Saturday Night Live parody’s “Can I steal him for a sec?” supercut:

Villains

The “villains” seem to be getting wilder every season, and each year, people on Twitter are crying out in protest to the Tierras or the Corinnes making it through another rose ceremony. The producers tell the lead who to keep for good TV and I’m glad they do – I can’t imagine we’d be 23 seasons in with only mature, respectful people involved.

Packing

Contestants bring their own clothes and do their own hair and makeup. Some brands will give the contestants free clothes in exchange for the advertising, but a few contestants have come out saying they spent $20,000 on cocktail dresses and date-wear!

Bulk season

Almost everyone on the show gains weight during filming. There is no gym, endless catered food and flowing drinks. There is also zero entertainment, so there is a lot of time to think about your feelings and eat Oreos. Honestly, that’s just what November through March is like for me.

Forever hungry

Every season, we see an uneaten plate of food sitting in front of people. This is because it’s just for ambience. The contestants eat before the date; it’d be too much of a microphone nightmare and food-in-teeth disaster to have them eat during filming. Not eating the food in front of you? This is why I can’t go on the show. Also, because I’m married, 10 years older and two sizes bigger than the cast.

I hope you can now go into a pop culture trivia night feeling the confidence of every flight attendant/marketing rep/dental assistant on “The Bachelor”.

Keely Turner takes a look at pop culture through the eyes of a P.E.I. girl with a big city attitude. Keely lives in Toronto, working as a fitness trainer and writer, with her husband and beagle. You can find her on Instagram @KeelyMTurner.