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Tag Archives: Stress

As the semester comes to a close, there is a certain level of stress that comes with that. Oh, but this is a special amount of super stress.

I just returned to my university to continue the program I stopped a few years ago, studying computer science. Boy are some of these classes making me take a beating. Sometimes it is nice to see that even years out of college, I am still occasionally having the highest scored test in the class. I’m still getting mainly As and Bs, but there have been some Cs, Ds, and even Fs.

I have many classes that I don’t even stay awake in anymore. I had been trying to address my sleep issue before returning to school, but no such luck. And now I’m scraping and clawing to pass. I guess if I don’t I’ll handle that then.

But, behold a bright side! I had sleep study done a week ago. My doctor indicated Friday that I have narcolepsy. I’m going in tomorrow to discuss option for treatment. It’s a bit late into the semester, but, hell I’m getting answers!

Oh and added to my stress, a week ago Thursday, I found a lump on one of my testicles. I rationally knew it was a cyst, but that fear crept in that it was cancer. I endured a week of being unable to focus on anything else. But I got my answer before the weekend confirmed it was a cyst.

I’m also trying to move into a new place with my fiance, there have been additional events precipitating the extra need to move in with her, not good things. But hell, again, some of this change is good, even if bad change walks along side it.

I have friends and family that won’t let me down and I will find my way, I’ve come out of far worse, and I’ve endured it all.

Here’s to the new things, the fresh perspective on which I will build my life.

I wrote not too long ago. I don’t know that it was very productive in all reality, but it was a grievance I could allow my mind to have without directing it at someone I care about. So I return to do much (or little) of the same.

I’m in a very anxious mindset. Have been since I woke up. Past week or so, I’ve been down, but even so, in a relative manic state. I think it just bottomed out and now I get to reap the seeds that the manic state has sown.

I spent more money than I should have. Indeed, truth be told with not all of my transactions posting right now, I truly don’t know how much I spent and how much is left in my bank account. By my estimate, it’s around $50. I’ve been in worse states to be sure, but I also added on to credit card things so that they wouldn’t be on my debit card. I don’t know. In the moment I rationalized it and I shouldn’t have. Thanks manic state!

I haven’t spent much time with my fiance (though I haven’t done a formal proposal, girlfriend doesn’t do her justice). I miss her. But I can’t be around her right now either. I don’t want to upset her or both of us. I spoke to her some this evening and saw it was only going South. So I turned to here after telling her I loved her and didn’t want to make things worse.

It’s both relieving and frustrating that she understands. In my mind I insist that she save me, but I give her no tools with which to do so. No knowledge, no ability, indeed I don’t even tell her that I need her, because I also know that I would put her through Hell for no reason and I wouldn’t feel better by the end of it either.

In short I’m having a rough depressive episode. I don’t want to get into the details, but there’s a family health situation, and I’ve already lost too many people this year alone. I am in a place where I cannot afford to miss even a single step with school and I just landed a new job that’s killing me already with the theoretical schedule. I want to back out. I want to say so badly how much I fucked up. I can’t. Because those seeds of the past week or so? They’ve begun to germinate, and I now have to pay money back into places even though I had sworn off the credit cards, even though I had a decent financial situation.

It only takes one episode to ruin months of progress. I’ve dropped out of school 3 times and flunked out a fourth. Only took one bad week, or day, or event that triggered something greater. For me, being bipolar is navigating an amusement park built on a former minefield you’re assured is safe. It’s fun at times, scary at others, and every now and then, you’re certain catastrophe is about to happen when you where that metallic click.

I used to be like this a lot more. This particular state. The one where I’m freaking out, screaming, angry, and hurt on the inside. I guess I can take some solace in that these are not as often as they were once. A small concession, for whatever that brings. It used be that I would have a tantrum with my mom. As an adult. I would freak out about one thing or another and sooner or later we would both be screaming until I had either left to somewhere else, even to just in my car, or when I was so defeated that I curled up and my mom would be bringing me tea.

I can’t do that now. I can’t smash my phone, I can’t stab my hand, I can’t punch walls, I can’t find something to break, someone to scream at. Indeed today I have had to fight the impulse to pound my head. This is not okay. This is not normal, but neither is bipolar. I keep praying. And I am certain God is out there. I will never understand Him, but I know He’s here for me. But it’s right now when my obstacles seem far greater than they actually may be and I have to constantly tell myself He’ll take care of me.

And it’s moments like this that I find it easy to destroy things. I destroy relationships. I destroy perceptions. I destroy opportunities. I destroy objects, possessions. I destroy ideas, and aspirations. I destroy myself. I will beat my head into submission and to what end?

But I can’t. Because I live somewhere where those around don’t understand me. So I say I’m tired. I’m not feeling well. I overslept. So that my lack of eating isn’t questioned, my longing to not get out of bed or move isn’t brought up. I don’t cry because if I do, it won’t stop. I won’t stop. It’ll go further and get out of hand. I have to shut every single impulse down so I don’t do something I can’t take back or recover from.

I’m tired. Like probably more than I have been in a time I can’t remember. Not in the “I’m depressed, I need to sleep” way, but in the “I’m doing my best to keep it together and if it weren’t for the random panic attack or the dog licking so loudly, I can’t hear my car alarm, I could get some damn shuteye” way.

My mom has gotten a bit worse. She’s stable again, but worse than when she went in. It was nice to have people pray for me though. But fear has just been seizing me, sometimes after I have already fallen asleep for the night. My eyes are bloodshot and I have bags. There’s a little yellowish tinge all the way around them. My health wasn’t good before this and my standing in my job was iffy. I was tired, but I could sleep if I didn’t sleep the night before? Now? I’ve got like one good night’s rest in the past week. And actually that was in the middle of the day.

My mom’s gonna be ok. But there’s so much going on in my head, I can’t keep up. And I don’t get good rest. Tonight I’m taking a larger dose of my meds I think. My doctor prescribed it. Between her and my health, and work, and the denial of admission to try get back to school. Been a rough time. But then today one of the people I work with, who is above me actually says to me that she thinks I need to apply for an upcoming position. Not her position per se, but the same one, it pays better, it’s higher up, she wanted to let me know there would be one or two to fill and before anything was official to keep my eyes peeled because they wanted me. I guess I do my work well. Or. Their work well.

To put into perspective. I do phone tech support. I’m a grunt, been there just a couple months, they want me to take escalated calls. I guess I talk people down well. Know my rhetoric. Which normally, this would be awesome, but I have to meet some amount of attendance compliance, which is the kicker. My mom’s health comes first. But after losing the opportunity to return to school right now, I should really try. But then where does my health come in?

I need day to rest. Just rest. I won’t, because my mom and everything. But I know I need it.

I’m at my mom’s house a lot right now. My room is scattered and stacked with collectibles and boxes filled with collectibles. Under the bed is boxes and boxes of comics. In the hall is a curio filled with more, you guessed it, collectibles. I’m reminded I’m just a child. Even 25, I’m just a damned kid. I’m not prepared to take on the world without a mom. And that fear keeps seizing me. And then wave after wave of terrible thoughts hit and overwhelm.

Even just taking responsibility for myself and another would be a lot to handle without her. But then I have to take care of my dad too. Other family my mom has taken up the mantle to take care of. No wonder she’s had a heart attack…

I’m tired. Exhausted. Spent both physically and emotionally. On a night where I really just needed some rest, a few things have stacked against me and I made a decision that was not in my best interest.

Enter now. My mom has been on the edge of having a breakdown. There’s nothing I can say or do to make her feel better. Even temporarily. It’s all my fault or someone else’s. And I listened to her cry and scream and threaten for a couple hours tonight. My gut said to leave and get rest. My brain said to leave and get rest. I told my girlfriend I was leaving to go get rest. And I didn’t.
Instead. I somehow chose to be berated and belittled and not have my meds with me tonight because I’m some dutiful and obviously idiotic son.

My mom has it hard. I get that. She shouldn’t. But she does. But me being around her feels like a poison to both of us a lot of the time
Even when I’m being sincere and trying to make her happier.

Doesn’t matter. I have not slept right in days and now I’ll likely be up all night. Watching those hours tick by. Dreading when I have to get to work. Then my time is already taken up tomorrow evening for a Thanksgiving type thing with friends. When I will just want sleep. And my chest feels tight with anxiety already over things that shouldnt stress me and my mind flits to how terrible the world is while I just try my damndest to keep my eyes closed. But instead I’m just full of anxiety and tears.

So I end up here. As my outlet. I’m entitled to off days. I’m bipolar. Even treatment doesn’t 100% eliminate that. But. I’m really just wanting to call in tomorrow and not go to the dinner. I’m really just stressed for no real reason and it keeps building.

Tonight was most decidedly NOT what I needed. And I succumbed to it anyway. Stupid decision. Why can’t I just act on the right decisions?

I’m supposed to have 8-10 hours of sleep while on my meds. Maybe that doesn’t apply tonight because I couldn’t take them. But I haven’t got that in a couple days and this just added to that anxiety. Today started out so great too.

Any day is susceptible I suppose. I’ll just say some short prayers and see if I need to call in tomorrow. Not having the meds makes me incredibly sick the day after missing them. Again. I’m absolutely full of good thoughts ad decisions tonight.

I just spent 40 minutes spilling my heart onto here. Then randomly the page reset and it was all gone. Not deleted. My browser indicated an issue and it went poof. not even in my drafts. I’m a little spent and too mortified to try to write that again.

Funny. It was about stress. and escapism. And letting things go.

Maybe I’ll write soon. But just now having that happen was a little too extreme.

It’s a small blow, but one, I did not expect after pouring so much out.

You know, I find it rather funny, I get on here to write to achieve some level of therapeutic and constructive release of stress, but I don’t ever know what the Hell I am writing until I put letters in the little post title box.

The phrase “sensibly misinformed” came to me out of nowhere. As though my mind were digesting possible scenarios of write-worthy content long before it was brought to my attention. The phrase comes to mind and I know nothing of what it means. My initial thought is lied to unintentionally. Which then opens a variety of venues to explore and write about with significant ease. I could write about events in most any day of my life, granted some will be more mundane than others. I’m going to say, in that way, I am sensibly misinformed quite often, but it doesn’t seem to play a role in tonight’s pressing thoughts.

I could not rest last night. Rather I tried to a few times before getting worked up and having this lovely idea struck upon me to finally restring my guitar. That didn’t go as planned and now I have no strings until sometime this following week. Quickly obsessing over the fact I was now unable to play guitar, probably due to avoiding whatever internal conflict was making my chest a little tight, I struggled to find another method to relax. I settled on other video games and cycled back around to “Rock Band 3” thinking that maybe the music in general would help. Before I knew it, it was time for work.

Work didn’t go well either. When it rains, it pours. And right now, it might as well be raining fire, because my funds for anything other than bills going forward, are all but ashes. Since the sky seems to be on fire, pigs ought to fly. Maybe the fact that I could just get randomly seared ham steaks or bacon meats on my porch in the morning is enough to wind me down. If only…

I came home. I wanted to play with Rocket (My adorable puppy!) but, I already knew what would happen. And with a heavy sigh I sat on the couch. I thought maybe I could do with just a few minutes shuteye, knowing that was already a lie. My friend was supposed to come by to pick up a game to borrow and to also bring some cheesecake, on this note, I turned my ringer up louder to be aware of what would happen. I asked Jaslyn, my now ex-fiance, when she would be home, because I was worried about Rocket, and I wasn’t feeling well enough to take care of her. For the longest time, there was no reply. She was busy I guess. So I drifted in and out of consciousness for several hours, waking every 10-15 minutes, to glance at the time and feel nauseous before succumbing to darkness again. It wasn’t restful to say the least.

My friend cancelled the visit, but made another offer to hang out which I declined sensibly, I was in no condition to drive. That was roughly all of my communication until Jaslyn came home sometime after 10 pm. She took care of Rocket while I was flipping back and forth groggily. It is also worth note that I didn’t move things around to be comfortable while sleeping because I was that exhausted. When Jaslyn and Rocket are finally going to bed I am realizing aloud to myself that I haven’t really eaten today. So I had some pumpkin pie, being in a depressed state of mood, I didn’t really want to deal with preparing anything. And now I am up still… Wishing I could just disappear.

I have work tomorrow at 8 am, and while you could argue I slept from 4pm to 11:30 pm, that I had nearly 8 hours of sleep, as I said, it was just tossing and turning, trying to get up and falling back down kind of rest. Not very good stuff. And now, when I tried to lay down, only terrible thoughts. So as long as I can keep a keyboard in front of me and dimly lit computer screen to review the content of what my hands relay, these thoughts are kept in the distance. I fear, much like most of the times I write on this damned blog, that I won’t rest again tonight. I already know, I will likely regret doing so, and will question my insanity tomorrow as I write it off as being angry, upset, or stressed. Which is the truth, but not the whole version.

I used to write poems a lot. I used to look down on others a lot. I used to strive to make my mark as this weird character, so I couldn’t be easily forgotten. There were a lot of things I used to do. And for the longest time I thought it didn’t matter anymore, it was attention-y type stuff, and now I have a wonderful person with whom to share life, I need no more attention than this!

Well, you might say I’m on here writing aren’t I? Yeah. Red handed. Guilty, as charged. The fact of the matter is my personal relationships with friends, family, and others, are either strained, or weak enough that they can disappear with no expectations otherwise. There are a tiny few that weather the ages and still maintain that lustrous appeal. I think I can count those relationships on a single hand. Even so, I’m apparently not getting something off my chest or some shit, because I sit up right now, at 1:43 in the morning, bitching and moaning.

In the end none of this right now matters. Maybe the current happenings do impact my future decisions, sure, but then again, maybe they don’t. Regardless of the impact it plays going into the future, what is of value to me? A question I always have a hard time answering. Happiness? Yeah, maybe, but not mine apparently. I say it is, but my actions and results certainly indicate otherwise. My soul? Maybe, that lines up with my thoughts and actions a little more, but I don’t even regularly attend church, which seems the most basic in my understanding of the that whole operation.

My actions and thoughts just seem so disjointed now, as though I have another part of me to weigh possible outcomes unbeknownst to me and decide the best course of action according to its own priorities. What sort of self sacrificial mentality have I to have arrived at my current standing? To what do I owe that displeasure? Life. Ha, that’s it right? Some mildly delusional method of how I’m going to make the world a better place so that the things that happened to me, happen to no one else. Maybe in this same vein of thought, I also feel that I have lost my chance at happiness, and need to do my best to help others attain theirs. I dunno, that’s honestly a new concern I have drawn just since typing it out. It seems pretty basic, like how haven’t I arrived there before?

I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything. I know I am unhappy. I know I am stressed enough to make work a potentially living Hell each day I have it. The things I want to say I know, have a pang of “wait a minute, you aren’t sure” kind of attitude with them. I want to say I know I have friends that care (I should know, right?). I want to say I know things will get better (I do in some intellectual sense, but there’s just that itch of a thought that says, “it’s likely, but not necessarily”). I want to say that there is someone or something out there that will help me find purpose…

Things have a funny way of working out. Heavy thoughts lead to heavy eyelids. Maybe I can get some sleep after all. When I finished writing about me finding a purpose a few lines up, all I could think was prayer and God. What have I got to lose right? Someone’s looking out for me, be it Divine or Earthly in origin, God plays no small part as far as I am concerned, and I would do well to remember that.