frustrated

My husband had an affair after 20 years of marriage. We are working things out but having difficulties in the bedroom. He can't seem to keep an erection. I don't think anything is wrong with him because he was having sex with this other woman. Its been 6 months and still having problems. Any advice??

Time, love and kind words.
So he had an affair after 20 years, and you know about it.
He might be beating himself up about it so bad but will probably never admit it.
You obviously have problems, so don't expect miracle cures, these thing take time...
Guilt is a big thing to get over.
I don't know all the ins and outs of your problems and i know you probably are hurting as well, but hey, we are here only once. Love and kind words....

VerifiedGold Member

Sex is like golf. Even under pressure you have to be as relaxed as possible. Try lots of physical contct in non sexual situations. Try snuggling when watching TV. It has to be relaxed and natural. A few years ago a couple that we are friends with became very affectionate in public. Our initial reaction was "really? Give me a break"l then we found out that the wife had a breast cancer scare and the dtress really interrupted their sex life. A therapist told them to try holding hands more and it worked like a charm.

I imagine he feels a lot of guilt and there may be underlying issues that you need to reconnect on. It takes time. Good luck.

Gold Member

My husband had an affair after 20 years of marriage. We are working things out but having difficulties in the bedroom. He can't seem to keep an erection. I don't think anything is wrong with him because he was having sex with this other woman. Its been 6 months and still having problems. Any advice??

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What was his reason for cheating? That may say a lot. He could love you but not be attracted to you for some reason.

Gold Member

There are a lot more guys like me than you'd care to believe. My attraction for my wife dropped quite a bit when she put on weight. After she dropped the weight and got in shape it came back, and stronger. I never cheated, but most guys I know would have.

It could also be the way she dresses, baggy sweats are a boner killer for me, and I've known women that after a few years of marriage don't wear much else except to work.

I don't care if my wife wares baggy sweats, I get a boner cause I know what's under them...
It's not what she wares, its your state of mind. And I fell in love with a person not a manakin.
Sorry, that's my take...right or wrong, it's me.
None of us are prefect, but I do believe that love and kind words go a long way.

Gold Member

I don't care if my wife wares baggy sweats, I get a boner cause I know what's under them...
It's not what she wares, its your state of mind. And I fell in love with a person not a manakin.
Sorry, that's my take...right or wrong, it's me.
None of us are prefect, but I do believe that love and kind words go a long way.

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The thing is, if that's all she wears, it shows she doesn't give a shit about how she looks to you or anyone else. This is most often accompanied by weight gain. If she' s not even going to make the smallest effort to look good, why should I be interested. Doesn't mean I don't love her, but I'm not going to be sexually aroused by her....but that's just me. And why is caring about what you look like, and being fit, being a manikin? To me, it's being lazy to let yourself go.

why are you going on an on about weight gain in every post? We get it your wife's body is perfect, you're perfect, whatever. the op never said anything about gaining wait, or there being a problem with attraction. just because your wife dropped a ton of weight and everything is now great with you, does not mean that that is the problem with every one else's relationship.

to the OP- try some couples counselling if he will go with you. Affairs are tricky business, and your relationship will never be the same. It take a lot of work to get over it, and get back to loving and trusting each other, and i'm speaking from experience here. i don't envy your position, but if you both work at it, and you dig enough to find out the reasons for his straying and for whatever is going on now, you can make things better.

Gold Member

why are you going on an on about weight gain in every post? We get it your wife's body is perfect, you're perfect, whatever. the op never said anything about gaining wait, or there being a problem with attraction. just because your wife dropped a ton of weight and everything is now great with you, does not mean that that is the problem with every one else's relationship.

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IF you read the post, the IS a problem with attraction, he can't maintain an erection. She was wondering why, I'm throwing out ideas. I've seen weight end many a marriage, I'm just throwing it out there, it could be the problem. There has to be something since he can fuck other women but has problems with her.

Have you ever thought that his inability to maintain an erection could be due to feelings of guilt or one of many other problems that we do not know about. I did not read in the post from annie1234 anything about weight problems or not careing about looking good.
Annie1234 if you love him, and it sounds like you do, then hang in there.

Gold Member

Have you ever thought that his inability to maintain an erection could be due to feelings of guilt or one of many other problems that we do not know about. I did not read in the post from annie1234 anything about weight problems or not careing about looking good.
Annie1234 if you love him, and it sounds like you do, then hang in there.

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I was trying to get more information. After being married 20 yrs, 19 out of 20 men and women let themselves go. It goes both ways, but some of the time it's one more than the other. We don't seem to be getting anymore info.

boobjob is offering great perspective on this and i agree, more contact, even nonsexual, could be very beneficial. if you really want to work it out, consider wiping the slate clean and starting from square one. is it possible that sex with the other person included something you were not doing? it's just a thought. good luck.