auntiec57

First I have to tell you the prior problem with my posts never got resolved, but I can be persistent; so here goes. I am a 57 year old woman who has suffered from depression since I was 5, but wasn't diagnosed or treated until I was almost 40 years old when I started having panic attacks & severe anxiety. I lost my biological father very suddenly when I was 4 when he went out fishing, a storm came through and he was struck by lightening. He was only 38 years old and from all that I've been told I was his princess. I have two older brothers and my Mom was pregnant with my sister. Somewhere along the line my Mom needed someone to blame because my father left her with 4 children to raise by herself and because I wasn't the "perfect child" obviously it was me. I was verbally, physically and emotionally abused into my adulthood. She remarried and my stepfather had an adopted son from his previous marriage, who didn't want to live with us, and then my Mom had my youngest sister with my stepdad. When I look back over those years I long to have memories of my own father because our home became a war zone. My stepdad & stepbrother were both alcoholics in later years. My stepbrother has been sober 30 years, but he doesn't speak to me. I used to dread getting into the car with my mother alone as I knew what was going to happen. By the time I was in high school my self esteem didn't exist and I used food to comfort my pain and still do. The only happy memories of my childhood was that I had my baby sister who I dearly loved and we spent a lot of time together. My mom never abused me in front of anybody in my family so my siblings still don't believe it happened. I had thoughts of suicide when I was in my 20's & 30's, but never acted on them. I switched doctors when I was almost 40 and saw the most amazing woman physician who, on my very 1st visit, noticed how withdrawn and quiet I was. She started asking me questions about how I felt and the dam broke loose. She immediately got me in for an intake appointment at a local Psychiatric clinic and I finally started getting some help. I've been hospitalized twice; once for suicidal thoughts and recently for self-harm. Both of my parents spent the last 10 years of their lives in ill health and of course since I lived at home I was a full time caregiver and also worked either full or part-time. Now that you've read my story the part that is the most difficult is I still can't get past losing my father and I need to be able to forgive my mom for how she treated me so I can move on. I am working with a wonderful Counselor and Psychiatrist and I've found it's going to be a long process and I'm sure not easy, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I do now. I don't feel like a whole person, although you'd never see that on the outside of me. I usually cover up my feelings with humor so nobody knows how much pain I feel inside. I want to feel joy, loved and just be me. I want to be accepted for who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be. I have come here for any support you can offer and I will certainly be here to help all of you, as well.

Michael Joncas: He will raise you up on eagles wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun and hold you in the palm of his hands!