Mom, do we have to invite Uncle Bruce to Thanksgiving? He just gets drunk and spends all night telling rambling stories about one summer where he got all slutty down on the boardwalk.

Oh god, he brought an accordion.

Yes, Uncle Bruce, you have told me about the time you almost died on a tilt-a-whirl. That sounds very scar—what? I don't really understand what men wearing high heels really has to do with this story. And the detailed descriptions of the public sex you were having back then is a little inappropriate for the dinner tab—what? No, that's a Super Nintendo, not a "pleasure machine," please stop calling it that.

Rating: 4 auroras rising behind us out of 10.

This makes me feel: boooored. And... itchy?

Bruce fun fact: Springsteen wanted a children's choir to sing on this song, but they never showed up for the session. WHERE ARE THOSE KIDS?