ABC News is reporting that Morton Ranch High School has suspended all of its cheerleaders for the rest of the school year because of this cheerleader hazing story from Texas. [It was new to me! –Ed.] To reset, this 15-year-old girl in Katy, Texas that had just made the cheerleader team was pulled out of her bed in the middle of the night, bound at the wrists and ankles with duct tape, and then thrown into a swimming pool with soiled shorts over her head. Yeah, I know, I was almost there, too:

“I could hear some of the other members yelling, ‘I can’t swim, I can’t swim. Stop, please. Don’t push me in,'” [Courtney] Nickell said. “Our hands were still bound together and our blindfolds were still on, which terrified me even more. I didn’t know if I was going to come back up and live or if I was not going to make it.”

The older girls, in their defense, cited the timeless healing power of violence.

“When I got punched in the face, I laughed about it,” [Cailyn] Mothersbaugh said, referring to when she went through a similar experience while on the JV squad. “It was fun. I wasn’t going to be mad at one of the girls because it’s team bonding. It brought us together.”

Damn, girl. You just can’t jump into bondage with a 15-year-old, not without a damp basement and some grain alcohol, at least. You want to bond with another girl? Eat a few cherries out of her snatch next time. Far less traumatizing. And more nutritious.

Sorry, I realize how gross that last paragraph was. Cherries are disgusting.