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Adoptee Fantasies Must Wash Away

Oftentimes, we grow up believing fantasies about our birth family. Some imagine birth parents as a king and queen who live in a castle, concluding that life would indeed be wonderful when reunion occurs.

I remember when I met with the intermediary that eventually found Elizabeth, my birth mother. We met for breakfast before the search began. Over coffee, she asked what I thought I would find at the end of the search. My answer?

A bag lady. The feelings were not positive, which I find interesting now, looking back upon an unsuccessful reunion.

Most of the time, at least in my case, I wasn’t aware of the fantasies, either negative or positive.

Sooner or later, the fantasies must disappear, like a carefully-built sandcastle when the tide comes in.

Your thoughts?

To learn more about adoptee fanstasy, consider getting a copy of my children’s book–Forever Fingerrpints…Proof Adopted Kids Are Special. It is now available in kindle and soft cover.
Lucy, the main character, eight years old, dreams of her birth parents. See how her parents handle her fantasies!

3 comments

I often wonder if birth parents have fantasies about their relinquished child…..do Adoptive parents have fantasies about what their adoptive child will be like……
As an adoptee……..I had imaginations what my bmother would be like……..towards me if and when we met…….but those imaginations were fuelled by what I was “fed” by the foster care system of the era …….about her…….I also picked up a misrepresentation of my amothers view about her……..the little she knew of the circumstances and her judgement of her…..all of this fed into my mind and heart before I could really build one of my own…….my child and teenage mind wanted so much to make the story have a lovely outcome in order to cope with what was nothing like I could imagined…….and an un successful reunion……

Yes, Shefalie….we want so much for there to be a happy ending, but its not always that way. It hurts and takes years to recover….at least it has for me.
Good wondering about adoptive parents….and may I add, birth parents. Do adoptive parents fantasize about a child who looks just like them? Same toes as Uncle Fred and everyone in the family? Do they long to see a “little me?”
I can’t imagine how birth parents fantasize but would love to hear their voices about this, wouldn’t you?

I can so identify with you, Shefalie! If there is no information for us about our birth relatives, we fantasize. We want so badly for the missing history to turn out like our dreams, but more often than not, they don’t.
As far as birth parents go, I am confident they have their own fantasies…..and adoptive parents, too. Can anyone be brave and share about this?