So I got a phone call from the scary doctor yesterday. Well, the nurse actually. She was flipping out because I had not scheduled myself in for the Big Scary Surgery that I was under the impression that I did not have to have, due to the very ambiguous voicemail the doctor left 2 months ago, and then never returned my calls to clarify.

Here’s the exact transcript of the voicemail she left me after all of the testing and blood draws and poking and prodding they did in October:

Hi [Mia], this is [scary doctor] calling with your test results. It looks like…um…it looks like everything is clear. I still am recommending [the big scary surgery], but there’s no rush on that. Call my office and we’ll schedule you sometime next year.

So what I got from that was “there’s no need to schedule your surgery right away, relax. The cancer is not going to kill you tomorrow.”

So now they want me to go in for some procedure I don’t really understand, despite Googling the crap out of it. The side effects just sound scary and the greatest part of the whole surgery is that it might not even work and then I’d have to get radiation or possibly chemo and the whole point of having THIS procedure rather than the big scary one is because I don’t want to lose that particular part of my body just yet.

I would also like to point out that this is CANCER which I am under the impression is pretty SERIOUS and TIME-SENSITIVE and I swear to God, if I die, I’m expecting somebody to get pissed on my behalf because at that point, I probably won’t care anymore.

Also, I really hope I don’t have to have chemo because I hear it sucks. (I have nothing witty to say about chemo.)

So for a few days in January, I’ll be in the hospital in Seattle if anyone wants to come visit….and Chef will be hanging out either in the hospital housing or in my room and will probably need a break if anyone wants to steal him.

Merry Christmas, I would like to not have any more stupid things happen, OK???