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"I'm not exactly a novice when it comes to sex, and I have to admit that when I began flipping through this manual, I expected to see things that...

Relax Into It

Contrary to popular belief, anal sex isn’t about stretching anything open. Instead, it’s about learning to relax the pelvic floor and anus.

A Little Anatomy

The anus is made of two rings of muscle. The outer one (the first one you’d touch if you inserted a finger) is easier to squeeze and relax deliberately. But the inner one is a lot harder to control. In fact, it’s very sensitive to your mood and your emotions. If you’re stressed out or worried, it’ll probably tighten up. There’s a reason people who are angry all the time are called “tight asses”!

Your body doesn’t care whether the anxiety is from a bad day at work or fears that anal penetration will hurt- your anus will still tighten up. And the more you try to force it to relax, the more it’ll clamp down. You’ll probably find that anal sex works better when you take it easy.

Breathe

The first step is to breathe. When you hold your breath, your anus squeezes. Taking deep breaths has the opposite effect. Learning to relax and breathe will work better than trying to force it. It’s also more effective than numbing creams, which just make it so you don’t feel the discomfort that your tense muscles are causing.

One great trick is to time it so that the finger, toy, or penis first slides into the anus as you exhale. That helps your body stay calm and keeps the pelvic floor from tightening up. And if you’re doing this with a partner, it gives them a clear signal that they can use to time their motions.

Work With Your Body

It’s also important to go as slowly as you need. The only goal is to feel good, so if that means using a smaller toy or one less finger, don’t worry about it. Even experienced prostate players have days when they need to scale down, just like there are times when you’re just not hungry enough for a huge meal. Let go of your expectations of what should happen so you can enjoy what is happening, and your anal sex experiences will be a lot more fun.

You’ll also want to be able to add more lubricant, or shift positions, or change toys or massage techniques as needed, so talking with your partner about how you’re doing will help you feel more in control of the situation, and therefore, more relaxed. One good way to do that is to give positive feedback like “wow, that feels good” (when it does, of course), so your partner won’t be surprised when you say “can I have some lube?”

Since your arousal will probably make anal penetration easier, don’t forget to have fun! Use your hands or a vibrator or another toy on your penis. Ask your partner to use their other hand or their mouth. The more pleasure you feel, the more your anus will relax and the better the experience. Don’t worry if you don’t have an erection- a lot of guys find that anal penetration does that. As long as it feels good, go for it!