Friday, August 28, 2009

Shortcomings of BarryCare

(i.n.n.) politcal beat writer innominatus reportingLeading proponents of BarryCare have begun to rethink their position. Diane Watson and Henry Waxman have heard from their constituents at town hall meetings, and received guidance from the CBO that BarryCare would balloon the deficit - but steadfastly pushed forward with their vision for healthcare reform. That was until the fine print of the bill became available, and it was learned that having nostrils big enough to smuggle weapons in is considered a pre-existing condition and they would not be eligible for free rhinoplasty. "Congressman Waxman plans on holding his seat for many, many more years" says his spokesperson, "and we owe it to our constituents to make looking at him as tolerable as possible. No private-practice plastic surgeon would tackle that kind of job for less than a 7-figure payment, which the congressman can in no way raise on his meager government salary. We were really banking on BarryCare, but now find ourselves back at square one. Thus we can not endorse the bill in its current form."

Ms. Watson felt similarly, saying "It is not my fault that my nostrils are big enough to affect the high tide." When it was pointed out to Ms. Watson that her nostrils were a void, and that any tidal effect would actually be more attributable to that ponderous honeydew melon of a chin she has, her only response was "Raaaaaaaaacist!"

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Addendum from the science editor:

Ms. Watson and Mr. Waxman must never be allowed to have a child together. Just for fun, I ran some sims on our supercomputer and made an alarming discovery: The offspring of these two would have a skull like an infinite double-barreld klein bottle that would cause space-time to fold inward on itself. It would be worse than crossing the streams. To assure the safety of mankind, I recommend that both Ms. Watson and Mr. Waxman be kept a minimum of 500 miles away from each other - necessitating that they both be kicked out of DC immediately.