Sunday, November 18, 2007

With their lead vocalist, Pond Sludge, recently paroled after serving time on illegal dumping charges, denialcore band, 655321 Valdez Lemons, have released a celebratory single:

"I Slept with Al Gore's Mother (She Does it with the Lights On)".

PLAY LOUD

In a rare telephone interview just after both his and the single's release, Mr. Sludge expressed despair over the current state of environmental activism:

"Fuck this shit, I'm angry.

"How did it get this bad? I thought people learned to ignore that fucking bore, Al Gore, seven years ago when the courts so wisely denied him the presidency.

"The fact he won The Nobel Prize says it all. You know you're a worthless turd when they give you one of those.

"When we first started as a band - in response to the Kyoto accord - we were kicking the crap out of a few tree-hugging fucking sissies, dumping used motor oil at every show and legally blowing smoke in the faces of our many adversaries in the clubs where we played.

"I lost a lot of time at the reeducation camp. We've got to get out and play more shows and build on the feelings of contempt which are growing out there."

Unfortunately for the band and their fans, plans for a new world tour were dashed after drummer, Dead 'Beats' Beat, was taken into custody for releasing freon from his extensive collection of used fridges at Sludge's parole party.

"We all knew when he started hurling hospital waste at the by-law enforcement officers who showed up that they weren't going to grant him bail.

"Of course we can't replace 'Beats', man. He was the first guy to drum on perforated oil drums seeping used motor oil as we played our set. The sound of the drums change as the club environment becomes more toxic - the guy's a fucking genius!"

It was stage antics like this, especially with rumours that the oil was often laced with PCBs and other substances that got Sludge sentenced to what he calls 'reeducation' camp.

"As leader of the band I took the rap for the list of environmental crimes we were accused of as a band. Unfortunately for 'Beats', things got a little out of hand at my release party.

"There are a lot of really, really angry bands out there. I'm sure we can find someone to bash the oil drums for the handful of local shows we still have booked.

"We had arranged performances at some of the biggest drag strips and auto shows this year - unfortunately I won't be playing Detroit - with my environmental record they won't let me cross into the Motor City.

"As for 'Beats', they're saying what he did was a hate crime. They're saying 'Beats' hates the environment. Because the drummer openly mocked the environment and its activists the police are calling it a hate crime. This gonna take a while to get sorted out.

"We're still planning Get Trashed Festival which will be an outdoor festival of music and debauchery at the Green Lane Landfill site this February.

"We're going to have an enormous tent with a massive light show, stacks of sound equipment, and literally hundreds of electric heaters all plugged into gasoline powered generators. We're planning a wet T-shirt contest, so you know the tent is going to be hot inside.

"Man, there's going to be a really intense energy at this show.

"We're looking at a pretty solid line-up so far with some of the biggest names in denial - many of whom performed at this past summer's Denialfest - promising to be there.

Sludge was tight lipped about what he and the other members of 655321 Valdez Lemons had planned for their stage antics at the festival.

"This dump doesn't have a license to handle the really toxic shit so we don't want to generate too much interest in what we're going to do before it happens, you know what I mean?"