Not every baby turtle makes it to the sea, no matter how adorable they are. Some will even end up in the sewers, mutate, reach their teen years and fight crime for the good of mankind.

Donatello, age 3 days.

Similarly, not every line I write will make it into an advertisement, no matter how amazing it may be. Rejects will be left to a stack of unkempt papers, mutate, and land on this blog for the enjoyment of my three followers.

In the spirit of Friday the 13th, I’d like to resurrect a few of my dead ideas. Here are some of the gems that didn’t quite make it:

For a regional hospital’s lunch-and-learn event about the human liver
America: Love her or liver alone.
Will you learn a lot? Liver’n and surely!

For a golf function to benefit a local police departmentThe cops are around: try not to shank anything.

For a national chain of quick-service Italian restaurants
End smorgasboredom
[Client Name]: The cure for male-pattern blandness.
After eating this your taste buds will become lifelong taste friends.
Join the Italian Fastest party!

My CD says “hi” to me by making this strange gesture.

And so I trudge further, in search of copywriting gold. With the bad ideas out of the way, I finally have room for more bad ideas.

But to be honest all these ideas are leaving less room for my stash of baby turtles. If anyone’s interested I have about 20 up for grabs, all trained to at least a red-belt level.

Mandatory Question of the Week™Tell us an obscure, fun fact about yourself!

That, uh, doesn’t sound like a question to me, but given that you’re mandatory I think I’ll go ahead and answer (rather than suffer the dire, dire consequences).

When I was in fifth grade, I received a graded essay back from my teacher with the following inscription:

Evan would much rather give a witty one-liner than craft a thoughtful, compelling five-paragraph essay.