Football Notebook

Now Carew says tests in Spain show he is in "perfect physical condition" and hopes Tigana will bring him to England.

Carew out to have last laugh

John Carew is hoping that his ill-fated move to Fulham can be resurrected. Jean Tigana's club pulled out of an £8 million deal for the giant Valencia striker two weeks ago because the 22-year-old Norwegian had problems with his knees.

Some foreign players struggle to settle in England but Carew would have a big head start. He already knows what a nation of eccentrics we are because he's a massive fan of our comedies. Carew says his favourite programmes are Mr Bean and Fawlty Towers.

Basil Fawlty, Mr Bean and John Carew. Sounds like the perfect front line for Leicester City.

Pie man makes fans eat their words

Charlton's head physiotherapist is a man who has suffered from 'sizeist' supporters adding insult to injury. When he rushes on to the pitch to treat an injured player, the popular but tubular Andy Jones is frequently greeted by the chant: "Who ate all the pies?"

Lewisham-born Jones, whose talents have been recognised by the Football Association, who asked him to serve on an injury advisory committee, initially decided to take the insults from pie-eyed fans with a pinch of salt.

But now the 46-year-old, nicknamed Pie Man by the Charlton players, has decided if you can't beat them, feed them.

Now when he goes on the pitch he carries a selection of meat pies in his treatment bag and lobs them to vocal supporters.

Deal collapsed due to wee problem

Patient: "Doctor, I'm worried about my movements. Without fail, I go at six o'clock every morning."
Doctor: "What's wrong with that?"
Patient: "Well, I don't get up until seven."

That corny old joke was brought to mind by the strange accusations of improper urinating alleged against Norway striker Sigurd Rushfeldt.

Notebook has been following Siggy's career ever since the Daily Mirror claimed in 1998 that this "rocket-healed striker" was about to join Arsenal. We checked with Arsene Wenger, who said he knew nothing about it. Earlier, other tabloids reported Rushfeldt was about to join Middlesbrough (1994), Everton (1995), Glasgow Rangers (1996) and Leeds (1997).

True, he did have a three-month loan spell at Birmingham in 1995, when he scored against Tranmere, but he was part of Barry Fry's squad of 658 players and was probably lost in the crowd. Dear old Siggy is back in the news because of a court case involving the Benfica president Joao Vale e Azevedo, who said Siggy's move from Rosenborg in 1999 collapsed for messy reasons.

Azevedo told the court: "When we presented him to the fans he urinated in his pants because of the excitement and the pressure. That's why we called the deal off." Siggy was not happy. "I have not wet myself since I was four."

Astle was a mine of information

Jeff Astle, who died at the weekend aged 59, said a miserable spell as an apprentice fitter at Eastwood colliery taught him how lucky he was to earn a living as a footballer.

Astle was fairly outspoken, too, and his 1970 autobiography Striker! did not go down too well with the directors of West Brom.

It was possibly the attack on "ill-informed" football owners. Astle wrote: "Nothing can be more aggravating to a player than the sound of a bumptious director airing his misguided views of football."

Football shorts

In 1998,
Notebook first revealed the strange history of Arsene Wenger's myopia over controversial incidents. This season,
Notebook decided to see who would come out top in a "I didn't see the incident" battle - Wenger or Alex Ferguson.
August: 1-0 to Fergie when the Manchester United manager failed to see an incident involving David Beckham at Blackburn.
September: Equaliser. Wenger doesn't see Martin Keown's clash with Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink.
January: 2-1 to Wenger. He "did not see the incident" when Mark Viduka clashed with Keown at Elland Road on Sunday.
Well done, Arsene. Form is temporary and all that.

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe has aroused international condemnation over his government's moves to restrict opposition ahead of presidential elections in March. Wonder what he makes of what's happening to Leo Mugabe. The President's nephew, chairman of the Zimbabwe Football Federation, is facing a fight to be re-elected for another three-year term and could lose to the splendidly named South African Molefi Oliphant.

Julian Barnes's latest book, Something to Declare, reflects, say the publishers, his "long and passionate relationship with France". You might think such a Francophile would support L'Arsenal but the celebrated author is a Leicester City fans. Barnes isn't one of the bandwagon celebrity fans, having been a long-suffering fan of the Midlands club. He said: "Supporting Leicester is a grim business most of the time, but someone has to do it. "I recall the season not so long ago when, after weeks of competitive play, our top scorer was Frank Sinclair with two own goals, yet I refuse to despair. I shall only despair if they appoint John Birt as manager".

Michael Owen and David Beckham may have the profile and appeal of rock stars but surely things have moved to a new, surreal level when women start fighting over Nicky Butt. According to the ever reliable Daily Sport, two girls in Manchester's Revolution Bar hissed at each other shouting "I saw him first". Manchester United midfielder Butt looked on as "the two girls were brawling and trying to tear each other's hair out. Three doormen pulled them apart".

Who says modern superstar players are too pampered? Manchester United striker Ruud van Nistelrooy praised Alex Ferguson's secretary Lynn, saying: "I only need to call her to say the curtains aren't hanging straight at my home and within the hour someone is at the door to do the job." Imagine the poor lamb having to look at wonky curtains for a whole hour.

Claudio Ranieri, a man known to introduce the odd substitute or three, knows Chelsea's players think he overdoes the meddling with formations. The Italian admitted: "I hear what they're saying. I ask my English tutor what is the word 'tinkerer'?"

Carlton Watch . . . Notebook's "evil eye" was removed from Stockport and, lo, four days later they ended a sequence of 10 successive defeats with a valiant 0-0 draw at Coventry. Hats off to Carlton Palmer, who had seven stitches in his arm but carried on playing. "There is still a lot of hard work to do but I do feel that we can go on and win a few football matches now," Palmer said. That's the spirit.

Sadly, everyone remembers Steve Morrow for one thing - the mishap after the 1993 Coca-Cola Cup Final when Tony Adams dropped the Irishman after he had scored Arsenal's winner against Sheffield Wednesday. There were even cruel jokes about the dangers of riding on donkeys. Morrow's career went into a sort of free-fall afterwards. He joined Queens Park Rangers and then had an unsatisfactory time in America. Although only 31, he's been struggling to find a new club since but Notebook has good news . . . he's wanted by Dunfermline manager Jimmy Calderwood. Notebook remembers Morrow for his answer to the question: "What famous person would you like to have dinner with?" Morrow replied: "The Rev Ian Paisley. I'd ask about his thoughts going back over the years." If they can't agree on a suitable venue, perhaps Morrow could dine in Dunfermline and Paisley in Belfast. He'd probably still be able to hear him.