Power-hungry Royal Baby Already Plotting Succession to Throne

Just one day after being born at 7lbs 3oz, the newborn son of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex had already begun plotting his succession to the British throne, sources say.

“Oh, Father, just because you sired me, don’t think that will stop me from vanquishing you in my quest for empire,” the baby reportedly said, minutes after leaving the womb. “And poor Uncle William. He’s so weak. He’ll never stand a chance.”

Prince George, the 5-year-old currently third in the line of succession, claims he’s already awoken to a blue plastic toy knife on his nightstand, presumably a threat from baby Sussex.

Sources close to the Royal Family believe 4-year-old Princess Charlotte of Cambridge will be the child’s primary competitor for the crown. She has already won the loyalty of a company of the famed Gaelic warriors of Strathclyde, and has acquired over 2,000 horse and 400 cannon.

“He’s managed to ally himself with the Duke of York, eighth in the line of succession, promising him a lordship over all of Northumbria,” said Princess Charlotte. “But he will fail in this endeavor. The Bamburghian Knights will never bow before a Yorkshireman.”