Mark Schlissel, Michigan Reluctant to Tell Friends They Met on Tinder

The University of Michigan stated yesterday that it was hesitant to get on the matchmaking mobile app Tinder, but after a few bad first dates decided that it was time to “take a risk and look for someone who was a leader and best.” After some unsuccessful matches and several potential candidates reportedly asking for nude photographs mid-conversation, the University of Michigan finally found its perfect man in Mark Schlissel.

Michigan, which describes itself on Tinder as “fun, easy going, looking for bae,” told reporters that it was very impressed at how intelligent yet adventurous Schlissel appeared on Tinder. “He had one picture that showed him in front of some buildings at Brown, so we could tell he was a pretty smart guy,” a University spokesman said, “He also had a picture of himself skydiving, which proved he had a wild side.”

When asked why he “swiped right” for Michigan, Schlissel, whose Tinder bio is “It’s going down, I’m yelling tinder,” pointed to the school’s tailgate culture and I’m Schmacked video. “Michigan just looked like a great time,” said Schlissel. “My parents are always pushing me to fnd a nice Ivy League girl. I just want to blaze my own path, you know?”

Schlissel explained that while the breakup with Brown University was “ugly” and regrets how it ended, he also understands both parties must move on.

“Brown was getting too liberal for me. Like, a little too crazy about Salvador Dali, if you ask me,” Schlissel said. “There’s something about Michigan that just screams, ‘work hard, play hard.’ Wow, that’s a great slogan. Did I just think of that? God, I’m good.”