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Pushing aside a stray lock of hair, I leaned in to murmur in my girlfriend’s ear. “Do you like this, my naughty girl? Do you like to watch?”
Turning toward me, so that our lips almost touched, she replied, “I really don’t. This is, like, the male gaze-iest.”
“Thank god!” I laughed, “I hate it too!”
“Why are their nails so long?”
“Dude, why is anything about this?”
“I can’t even with straight porn,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the remote.

***

“Bend over, baby, I’m going to pound your ass hard!”
“Can we not do that position? Today was leg day at the gym.”
“Uh…ok, then on your back!”
“Well, I get gassy when you fuck me like that”
“Okay… then suck it hard!”
“I had burritos for dinner and my acid reflux is acting up”
“Hand job?”

***

It was a quiet night at The Girl Cave, and the dance floor was empty. Priscilla leaned against the wall nursing a cold beer, letting the condensation from the bottle collect and drip between her fingers, its wetness reminding her distantly of passionate nights spent with her last love.

“Don’t think about her,” Priscilla reminded herself.

She caught the eye of a cute butch across the room.

“Why not?” thought Priscilla. “I’ll let her buy me a drink, she’ll ask me to dance, I’ll let her take me home, and I’ll forget all about that heartbreaker.”

Across the room, the cute butch was thinking exactly the same thing.

The dance floor stayed empty. For hours, every lesbian in the bar leaned against the wall, nursing a drink and sneaking furtive glances at each other. No one went home with anyone.

The Girl Cave closed down a month later.

***

“So, it’s my first time…” I looked down, suddenly shy now that I’d said it out loud.

“That’s okay, man, I’ll take care of you. So you’re a bottom?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been fantasizing about getting fucked for years”

By way of reply, the handsome stranger reached into his jeans and pulled out the most enormous cock I could possibly have imagined. I gaped at it, thinking quickly.

“Well, maybe I’m really a top…”

***

I couldn’t look away. Before me, two lithe bodies pressed together, limbs entangled, teeth biting lips.
“God, I hate Jenny.”
“Eh, I hate her less this season. It’s her best haircut.”
“I’m so happy she dies,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the box of Franzia.

***

This installment of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane. Check out previous installments here.

In celebration of Pride, we want to show some love to our most popular coming out-related video, in which Allison Moon (sex educator and author of books about lesbian werewolves (yes, lesbian werewolves (I know, right?))) tells us about going through a series of identities, starting at age 16, when she first realized that not everyone fell in love without regard to gender. Enjoy!

Hey Los Angeles! Will you be at Pride this Sunday? Our illustrious street team will be spreading sensual rays of rainbow love on Sunday, all throughout the parade. We will be showering the crowd with sexy surprises and prizes. Post-parade, catch us at our rope bondage booth at Here Lounge, where we will be providing festival goers with complimentary naughty wearable rope bondage designs.

Be on the lookout for our fierce and furious spanking brigade of rainbow warriors!

Okay, so some people think that it doesn’t exist. A lot of gay people once identified as bisexual in order to soften the coming-out process, or because they weren’t ready to face the idea of being gay, or even because they were interested in a wider range of people back then. That’s cool. Maybe you’ve been that person, or known that person, or dated that person.

Let’s say that you’re bisexual, and that person – the one who used to be bisexual before they realized that they were Actually Gay All Along – comes up to you and tells you that you are not bisexual, and that no one is really bisexual.

You argue with them. You roll out your sexual history, your crushes, your large archive of straight porn and slash fan fiction.

Why are you arguing with this person?

Okay, here’s another hypothetical. (Stay with us here.)

You’re a kid again. Another kid comes up to you on the playground.

“I saw your mom yesterday,” the kid says, “Eating dirt in the empty lot next to the laundromat.”

“That’s not true,” you tell the kid, “My mom was at home with me.”

“Don’t lie,” the kid says, “I know it was her. She was picking up fistfuls of dirt and eating them.”

“No, she wasn’t!” you exclaim, getting upset. “She was at home.”

“Prove it,” says the kid.

You have options. You could tell the kid exactly what your mom did yesterday, at home. You could say that you played crazy eights three times, and that she won twice. You could describe the meal that you ate together, where she burned the grilled cheese sandwiches.

But really: why are you arguing with this person?

You know that your mom wasn’t eating dirt. You know that you’re bisexual. The person that you’re arguing with is a bully, or is, at best, too invested in their own point of view to be worth arguing with.

The New York Times article includes a section about a study that the American Institute of Bisexuality is funding and that vomitous researcher J. Michael Bailey is running. In it, Bailey and members of the A.I.B. discuss what kind of pornography to include in a study that measures its subjects’ genital arousal while watching different kids of porn.

Why? When our own desires and patterns of arousal are so complex, so emotional, so tied to our individual memories and associations, why do we assume that someone can make a definitive statement about someone else’s sexuality just because they had increased blood flow in their genitals after looking at a few porn stars?

Want to prove that bisexuality exists? If you’re bisexual, keep being bisexual. If you want to come out, and you feel like you can come out, then come out. If you’re not bisexual, and someone tells you that they are, believe them. If the schoolyard bully tells you that you (or your friends, or your favorite TV actor) are not bisexual, tell them to stop being ridiculous and then go talk to someone better.

Do you want studies? That’s great, studies can be really interesting! Read about scientists measuring people’s genitals, pupils, whatever, but always take what you read with a grain of salt. Then, go read about people’s sexualities in their own words. What you read there will be less quantifiable and more true to life.

*We decided to use the same language as the New York Times, for clarity, but feel free to substitute in your preferred term (queerness, pansexuality, etc.).

Maybe you’ve heard the axiom that queer ladies don’t like girl-on-girl porn because of the long nails. Basically, lots of queer women enjoy fingering. Comfortable fingering all but requires short, well-groomed nails because otherwise OW. (If you love your nails, you can pad the fingers latex or nitrile gloves with cotton balls, and avoid stabbing your partner that way.) Many ladies who enjoy fingering take a look at the performers’ long nails in a lot of girl-on-girl scenes and say, “No thank you.”

There are a few ways that a person can deal with this. One is to forgo porn entirely. Another is to check out some of the fabulous queer produced porn that’s out there. A third, less intuitive option is to protest mainstream porn with a series of embroidered close-ups of long nails and vulvas. One Tumblr-er did just that, and it is amazing.

We’re proud to have enticed the best performers out there to join us for Gloryhole tomorrow night. For example, sex expert Reid Mihalko and the ever-versatile AfroDisiac will each have a scene in the gloryhole itself.

Sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives using an inspiring mixture of humor and knowledge.

Reid’s workshops and college lectures have been attended by close to 40,000 men and women. He has appeared in media such as Oprah’s Our America With Lisa Ling on OWN, the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Dr. Phil’s The Doctors on CBS, Bravo’s Miss Advised, Fox News, in Newsweek, Seventeen, GQ, The Washington Post, and in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Yesterday, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill into law that will require schools to allow transgender students access to the gender-segregated programs, activities and facilities that are appropriate to their gender identities. In other words, students’ eligibility for joining clubs and sports teams, their access to locker rooms and restrooms, and their state-mandated physical education classes will be determined by their stated gender identities, not by the sex listed on their birth certificates.

California is the first state in the nation to pass such a law, and we hope to see more states follow. It’s a big step in the right direction. You can read more about it here.

Today, Autostraddle features an interview with Mira Bellwether, author and illustrator of Fucking Trans Women, a zine about – you guessed it – trans women and sex. Bellwether describes Fucking Trans Women as “a how-to guide,” and it covers a wide variety of topics, from advice about approaching a partner, to diagrams of nerves in the body, to descriptions of specific sex acts. Says Bellwether,

One of the reasons this zine happened was that I got really sick of explaining things and teaching my lovers about my body during time that should have been spent having sex. When one of my lovers said that she wished she had an instruction manual for my body, I took that and responded to it pretty literally.

As consummate sex geeks, we appreciate her turning a teachable moment into a learning opportunity for the rest of us. Check out the full interview here. (NSFW)