Category: Episode 21 – Reversal

Reversal – Episode 21

I wake up in the sick bay, which looks like the most high-tech Icelandic facility I’ve seen yet. It was like the sick bay of Sleipnir, only a lot bigger, and a lot more advanced. Just as I try to lurch my way up, I immediately feel a hand push me back down to the bed. It’s Doctor Arisdottir and she says, “We need you to stay put for the time being. We’re still not entirely sure what happened, and only one of you is awake so far. We’ll need to do a full physical examination once you’re all in the green.”

I just look at her confused, and she points with her left arm while turning my head in the direction she is pointing with the other.

As I look over I see two unconscious children on the beds next to me, one with black hair, and the other with bright red hair like Sylphie’s. I’m confused by this, I stop for a moment and look around, confused by what I’m seeing when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see something peculiar.

I look down at my hands and a feeling of deja vu comes over me… “What is going on”, I ask the Doctor. “We don’t even know ourselves”, she says then continues, “We’ve had you in the hospital for over a week trying to stabilizes Sylphie with everything we could throw at her, and then last night this happened.” I look up at her again and ask firmly, “What happen?” She sighs and scratches her head with her eyes closed. Opening her eyes again, “All three of you split into separate and complete entities. The mass of your bodies is divided almost evenly among you. Fallon awoke a few hours ago and was delirious with a fever so we put her back to sleep. Sylphie is in critical condition. Her new body is experiencing severe rejection symptoms. In fact, that is what brought Sylphie to the sick bay in the first place. We’re not even totally sure how you fused in the first place, or how your tissues and blood survived that exchange without cataclysmic consequences… So we aren’t sure exactly how she was standing as long as she was. Luckily, the fusion was safe as you both have AB negative blood types, otherwise your blood would have clotted the moment you fused. I think.”

“Wait, what? Um… My blood type was A negative, and if my memories serve me, Yuzuho was B negative. This was an issue in the hospital when I became anemic and Amma had to give blood to me, but Yuzu couldn’t”, I say to the doctor. She turns to me and says, “What? Genes can’t be spliced like that if… Well, never-mind… You two were one being while in stasis for 120 years, or nearly so… Blar rum is known to do strange forms of chimerism when two beings share the same space. Though none has the integrity of bonding that you two did. Can you sit up on your own.” I nod to her and she picks my small frame up from the bed and sets me on my feet. I’m a little uneasy for a second, but quickly remember how to walk when I was this size last time. “Deja vu”, I say to the doctor whom responds, “I’d imagine. Come with me.”

She takes me by the hand and from what I estimate I’m about 10 years old according to my size, maybe 11. As she walks me out the door I get an intense pain in my legs, “Ouch, what the…” The doctor chimes in, “Ah, your body is growing, or your new body that is. Since your fusion broke you into 3 people a few hours ago you’ve already grown a half an inch. Growing pains are why Fallon has a fever right now.” I do a double take at the doctor’s statement, “What does that mean?” She clears her throat, takes my hand again, and continues walking and explaining, “Well, from what we can tell your metabolic rates are through the roof, and your bodies are literally re-maturing at an accelerated rate. Also, you’d… Never mind… I’ll tell you in a bit.” She begins to walk faster and I only just stare up at her wondering what it is. She stops suddenly and abruptly, and then I look forward in the direction of her attention. It’s Bjorn standing there, looking like a relieved parents to see me up and about. “Barn, you are a wake”, Bjorn shouts to me with a jovial sort of happiness, and his arms outstretched. I just look up at him strangely and he finally lets hims arms fall to his side. “I guess I know you aren’t a child, but you reminded me of my daughter when I she was a child”, he looks strangely somber now then perks back up.

“No matter. Lets get you, ‘back up to speed’, as they say”, Bjorn continues and walks on the opposite side of me from the doctor. We continue down a long walk bridge between the hospital and the original building we’d set down at the other day, and it’s an even more impressive, and futuristic city than I ever imagined. Neo Zion was a pale imitation to this place. It was then that I noticed that the entire carpeted walk way we were one was moving in two directions, heading away from the hospital on one side, and towards it on the other. The city, now busier than I’d seen before was like a huge bee colony at work. A little of the morning sun still tilted in and touched my feet. This walk bridge was the longest I’d ever seen, as it had to be nearly a mile across. As we neared the end, the doctor hops across the walk divider and starts heading the other way. “Bjorn, you got this one now. If anything, and I mean anything strange happens flex-com me”, she shouts back at him while shaking her wrist which has a clear wrist band on it. The wrist band has glowing numbers on it, and it imitates the appearance that the numbers are floating in water. Bjorn looks down at me, and me up at him as she disappears over the back side of the hill of this long conveyor, arched walkway. “Barn, here take this. If you ever get lost all you do is say my name into this wristband and I’ll come running’. Okay?”, he says to me in a concerned father like tone. He slaps this flexible wristband on my right wrist and it has glowing numbers on it, just like the one Dr. Arisdottir had.

Now nearing the doors to the pyramid building, I see Danielle standing near the doors waiting for me. I excitedly run up to her to give her a hug, and as she does she picks me up and holds me. “Danielle”, I squeal to her.

“What kind of trouble you getting yourself into now, kitten?”, she asks me while smiling. “Nothing, I’m totally innocent”, I say to her to which she responds, “Do you have any idea how incriminating that sounds? Besides, who was the little kitten who’d always sneak out with a handful of cookies at midnight when they stayed at my place?” “But…. Ah… (sigh)”, is all I can respond to her. She always did seem to know when I was up to something, and Amma was always a night owl. She’d sit in her room and read well past midnight with her little book light. I thought she was sleeping when I was near the age I looked now, but apparently she was always onto me. She’d let me do it, but then razz me about it later.

“Well, as far as I’ve seen, she’s been behaving just fine. But then again, while she may look like a child, she is quite the old woman, is she not?”, Bjorn chimes in my defense. “Ey, you are quite right… Bjorn, was it? But this one always had a ‘child-like’ nature about her, even into her adulthood. Thus, you have to keep an eye on her”, Danielle says to which I just stick my tongue out at her. Bjorn gives a questioning look as he reels his head back, but then his face and posture soften into a happy chuckle. “Danielle, Alira, this way…”, He motions us to a conference room down a hallway to the right of the door. The air from the automatic doorway system blasts down on us as we walk through, and now we are back in the same building I was in a few days ago, but in an unfamiliar section. We walk a ways down the hall and I occasionally take glimpses of the city through the angle windows lined with planters full of plants and flowers. Down a ways there is a couple of children playing in the seating area between the windows and the planters. It pangs in my chest to think about the difference between my childhood and the “grass is greener” version I see of theirs in my mind. We walk for 50 – 60 feet and turn left into a conference room heavily accented in blue glass, with one waterfall at the far end trickling down a corrugated concrete surface. There is a clear glass, OLED display at the far end just like the other conference room I saw. As we sit the white-lights in the ceiling are dimmed by a man by the door to a low, cool blue. Danielle tugs on Bjorn’s sleeve, “Hey, is it okay for us to be in here… For weeks now I’ve tried to get…” She is abruptly cut off by the speaker who begins to talk, “Thank you for having this meeting on such short notice. Considering the events of this last week, it’s been total chaos getting anything done. Considering we have some stellar stormur with us we figured we’d bring the one who was available to come and an escort to attend this briefing.”

Immediately after his statement, I see people looking around the room for who this person they’re referring to is. No one recognizes me from the case-files, so they over look me and begin mumbling about Danielle. She puts her hand around my side and I can feel her tense up a bit. “Okay, order now…. Ahem. On to the first item. (As the man drones on about procedure for classified I notice that he looks very haggard, though it’s apparent he’s no more than 40.) Okay, this is case-file 20-121, The Attack on the Visund. (On the screen is a damage report of the Visund, which literally had almost every circuit breaker blown out across the ship as well as EMP burns across the lower hull plating.) The crew were reported all lost by the host computer mainframe at 23:50 hours, then reported as all hands accounted for at 14:42 hours the next day. A stormur yet to be declassified was responsible for the largest mass healing/resurrection in the history of stormurs. The individual is codenamed “Urd”. At 14:41 hours a massive power surge originated from Urd, after which point the 2 minute burst ceased. This was a massive blast radius of healing stormur, which encompassed both ships with an estimated diameter of 0.8km. This stormur was then rendered unconscious for nearly half a day recovering in the lab. The stormur is only listed as being present on the crew after 15:25 hours, but not before on either crew’s manifest. The factors surrounding this stormur are classified higher than this briefing. As soon as the Sturmfeld Project Secret brief is complete we will begin the Top Secret brief. At which time, all personnel without sufficient classification will leave and we’ll include the additional info omitted from the brief.” The speaker continues to drone on about other EMP attacks, and I become curious so I try to get Bjorn’s attention, “What about me, do they know about me?” He holds his hand up to halt my speech for a moment, then lowers it and leans down to me, “No, they don’t. You’re classified above top-secret for the moment, and I’m not to speak until given the go ahead by the higher-ups. Don’t say anything about this until I’ve addressed the issue.”

I become uneasy with sweat and anxiety. It’s not like I’d blurt it out, but suddenly there was an incredible amount of pressure weighing on my chest. Amma could feel me clam up and began rubbing my shoulder to help me relax. She always did that when I’d tense up. She even did it the first time I took a girl on a date.

Before I knew it they were done with Q and A, and were ushering out the people who didn’t have the clearance. Me and Amma get up to leave the room when Bjorn stops us, “You’re cleared to be here. The next part is the part you need to hear.” We sit back down and now both of us are uneasy. I look up at Amma and she looks down at me, and I am visibly trembling. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or the coldness of this room. For about 5 minutes the remaining people, Icelandic officers, and presumably high-ranking civilians wander around the conference room partaking of coffee and donuts, chattering as if nothing is out of the ordinary. The speaker re-enters the room, and latches the door differently. There is a gas popping sound, and my ears ring for a moment. The speaker points to the man near a panel on the wall, “Erum við innsiglað? Er Pipe 1 í gegnum 4 grænn?” The other man nods in affirmation and the speaker gives a thumbs up. He walks back to the podium, “Now if I may have your attention. We’d like to double-check the clearances of all persons present, so please put your Identicards on the table, and let me scan them.” We all do so, and a light rolls across the table to scan our cards then flickers orange, and turns solid green. “Looks like we are good now”, he says now clearing his through and adjusting his tie, “Okies, we are about to present the information from the Top Secret part of the brief for the Sturmfeld Project. Now, from what we can tell, the damage done to the Visund was done by a weapon bearing our signature, but coming from a location were we do not have any Directed Energy Weapons deployed. From intel and the imagery you see here (he clicks a remote in his hand changing the slide from the signature profile of the weapon to a satellite photo), this is the estimated location of the beams origins. However, by the time we capture these photos the object was already under cover. However, considering the time it takes heat to dissipate we used spectral imagine to pull how a heat profile of the weapon through cover. It appears to be a modified and/or reverse engineered DEW stolen from Icelandic tech. It seems to have been pieced together from many places where parts were stolen. However, the tactical advantage this gives the Army of Zion is immense. These weapons are potent against our ships while entering or leaving the atmos. (He pauses for a moment and clicks the next slide that says Codename Urd. I take a deep breath.)”

He continues, “As you know, a single stormur revived from death the entire crew of the Visund. This assessment is accurate and factual. (There is a low, tense hum of whispers in the conference room.) This individual know as Sylphie Urd Alirasdottir officially is actually the fusion of two other stormur. (The chatter climbs to a slight whispering roar.) Alira Roe, and Fallon Rutger are two stormur of singular talent, who when emotionally triggered by the death of refugee Danielle Green, formerly Verde, fused to form Sylphie Urd who then produced the healing wave which affected both ships and regenerated the crew to full health in under 1 minute. It was a stormur event containing energy that was 3.3% of that same energy released during the impact of Cambridge 15993A – S fragments combined. This does not include the energy of smaller fragments that fell from R – VV since that day, nor the flyby of Cambridge 15993B’s charred remains. Miss Roe and Miss Green are sitting in the back of the room, and this is where things get strange. Codename Urd apparently fused and diffused several times, and as of the first brief with the Chancellor, the original Urd has split into three constituents. The first is an retrograded Alira Roe, whom we have here with us. The second an equally retrograded Fallon Rutger, also known as Yuzuho Kurosawa before R-day. (‘So that was her last name’, I mumble to myself.) And the third is a completely independent version of Sylphie Urd Alirasdottir. Alira has been released, Fallon is in critical but stable condition, and Urd is in stage 2 massive organ rejection. Fallon was affected because Alira had more mass than Fallon, leaving a little more of her tissue behind every time they diffused. Sylphie is in bad shape because she is the chimera of two adult humans. Her own immune system is fighting her body because she is a complete hybrid of Alira and Fallon. She is essentially their child.”

The speaker spaces out from my mind and all I can do is look at my hands folded firmly in my lap and cry. I almost feel Sylphie and Fallon calling to me. Then their voices become more clear, and I can only hear Sylphie whimpering, and I hear Fallon’s voice come in loud and clear, “Come quickly, Alira. If you don’t come soon, Sylphie will die.” I stand up and scream wailing tears at the top of my lungs as the pain I am sensing from Sylphie, being transmitted by Fallon makes what I must do. Everyone stops and stares at the strange cyan glow around my body, and at my wails. I run for the door, and the speaker tries to motion caution, but I blow the door right off its hinges. The sudden pressure change makes everyone in the room clasp their ears with pain. I’m running as fast as I can, startling the children who were playing in the hall before with my quickness. I’m running inhumanly quick. I can see the cyan aura around my hands but I don’t have time to pay it much attention as a dart across the nearly 1 mile long enclosed walk bridge heading for the medical bay. Sylphie’s pain is like a beckon in my mind allowing me to know exactly where she is, almost as if I can see her… I leap over a person blocking my way at the end of the walk bridge only accelerating my pace. I run down the hall and using my power I thrust the sliding glass door open and see a pale-faced Fallon, still sweating and in pain looking at Sylphie writhing in pain.

“No!”, I shout at the top of my lungs, “Don’t die Sylphie. You are part of us, and were born through us. You can’t die. You possess the parts of us that belong to you now.”

Not a moment sooner than those words were uttered Fallon closes her eyes and begins glowing golden-yellow. And I notice my cyan/blue-greenish aura, and at that same moment Sylphie begins to glow violet. And suddenly it all makes sense in our minds. They are linked again, the circle is complete… I walk up to Fallon and lift her off the bed, then walk around the other side. She takes Sylphie’s left hand and I take her right. Then from across her body me and Fallon hold hands. A sensation begins to course through our hands in the counterclockwise loop. The most profound feeling of power, life and euphoria begins to cycle through us. Our auras merge into pure white light and become to bright for us to see. We can feel and sense everything about the other, as if our beings were seamless once again. But our minds are intact and separate, not like before. Sylphie is Sylphie. I am me. Fallon is Fallon. The pain goes away, the light fades and we feel the warmth deflate from our lungs as the sensation passes. The doctors and mobile patients are standing around completely shocked by what just happened. All the injured in sick bay our completely and totally cured, even those suffering terminal tempest sickness. We look down as Sylphie but she’s not opening her eyes.

Her hands are cold, and her skin pale. She still has the oxygen mask over her face, but I can’t see the mask fogging up from her breathing. I start to cry as this unbearable pain wells up in my chest as if I’ve just lost my best friend, and a deep part of myself. I don’t understand this ache. I pull the mask from Sylphie’s face and lift her to a sitting position and try to shake her awake. The Doctor tries to restrain me, but is unable to… “Sylphie! Wake up will you, you silly girl… WAKE UP… WAKE THE FUCK UP!… PLEASE… DON’T LEAVE US now”, I shout at her. Tears are steaming down my face and I pull Sylphie’s face into my neck and cry aloud.

“No, no… No… It’s not fair… We just became friends… You’re a part of me… I feel parts that used to belong to me inside you, and they’re fading away”, I murmur to her while I whimper holding her. Fallon is huddled over me now as well, crying quietly.

Then it happened… All of a sudden Sylphie’s body jerked and contorted a little…. Then an abrupt and loud cough blasts forth and gives way to more coughing… “She’s alive”, I squeal as I feel Sylphie’s consciousness return and she wraps her arms around me and Fallon. “Silly gooses… Crying over lil’ ol’ me”, Sylphie whimpers into our ears. Fallon says, “Welcome back, my other half of me, and the other half of Alira.” Sylphie leans back and pushes us up so she can look in our eyes. Slyphie’s indigo eyes, and bright auburn hair is quite something to behold, though she’s hardly the Amazonian warrior princess she once looked. She looks more like a hybrid of me and Fallon now, more than she did before. Her complexion is slightly different from before, but nothing to take note of. Bjorn, Danielle and several men from the conference room come to a running halt in front of the med bay door which is now jammed into it’s socket and will not close again without maintenance. “Barn, I’m starting to thing your grandmother’s worries about your were justified… You blew the door right off the hinges”, Bjorn says but is then promptly elbowed in the gut.

“Yes, yes… I know you don’t look the part, but you are still their…”, he says then makes a momentary pause due to another taunting gesture from Danielle, “Okay, okay, you win. I won’t say it.”

Danielle makes a sarcastic smile at her victory then turns to me and says, “Always like a bull in a china store, kitten. Just like the time you ripped the back screen door off to take a look at a butterfly.” She shakes her head at me in a very parental disapproving way. “But, I didn’t have the time to wait… Sorry… I didn’t mean to be so force…”, I say but am interrupted by Amma, “You nearly blew out our eardrums with that little stunt, the room was partially… whatever, and when you pop the door it kinda hurt.”

“I’m sorry, Amma”, I say to her in the same somber way I always did when I was a teen. “Awww… You know I can’t stay mad at you”, she says while walking up to me and wrapping her arms around me, “Just be a little more careful about stuff like that, and don’t use your tempest indoors, alright?” I just start chuckling in her ears recalling all the times she reprimanded me in the past, “Okay, Danielle.”

“Between the three of you, you’re going to be the death of me”, she shakes her head then realizes what she just said, “Oh, wow… I’m talking like Ed now.” Suddenly Amma’s skin grows very warm and I can hear he trembling like she is crying. I push away and get her to sit on the edge of Sylphie’s bed. “I’m fine”, she says several times while trying to wipe the tears that just keep coming. “Ali… Ali, they got Ed… They got him. He backtracked to throw them off of my exit, but according to reports he’s been captured and is slated for public execution a month from today. He was caught, tried, and branded, and is slated to be executed by 21 zealots.” At this moment I’m too stunned for emotion, my mind is overloaded with feelings, anger, fear, worry, and it’s making me dizzy. I fall back against the doctor who asks, “Are you okay, Lass?” I push myself upright and walk to the window and lean my face against the glass to ease the nausea and cold sweat I’m feeling. Eduardo is like the only father I’ve ever had, and he’s one of the few men I’d ever known who didn’t scare me on some level. He may have been stern, and very straight-laced most of the time, but he was a good man… No… I shouldn’t say those things… He “is” and good man. The doctor called to me again, “This place doesn’t want to let me rest does it. I feel sometimes… I feel sometimes like I’ve walked through the deserts of hell trying to fend off the vultures who want my corpse before it’s my time. These passed almost 11 years have been like a strange horrifying tale of a dystopian future full of pain and grief, wrought with suffering that no human should have to bear. Sometimes I wished I’d had the courage to end my life and wake up from this horrible nightmare, but it’s too real and I am too afraid. Fallon, Danielle and Ed are the few bright patches in all this darkness. Amelia, Bueller, and our other friends have been there too. I’ve seen such horrors in this bizarre future, more than I ever wanted. I barely have to stomach to breathe some days it seems.”

I stop talking for a moment, I’m out of breath and I’m hyperventilating. The dizziness is getting worse, and then I feel a sharp intense pop against my neck. I stand up and let out a short yelp in pain, and then the dizziness fades, and my body calms, and my mind quiets. “What did you do?”, I ask the doctor who is standing in front of me with a sonic injector. “I gave you a mild tranquilizer, doped with an antidepressant that has an anxiety reducing effect. I gave you a double dose to chill you out. You’re having a panic attack, and it’s pretty clear you’re suffering from depression a little. What else was I supposed to do? What did you want me to do? Watch you freak out and collapse?,” she explains to me with a very stern tone. “Thanks, I guess I needed it”, I respond to her. My neck where she injected me stings a little, but it’s subsiding.

“So what do we do about Ed?”, I turn to everyone and ask. Bjorn scratches his head and says, “Getting him out of Neo Zion is no small task. However, I know you somehow managed to carry out escaping from some place more secure. The Citadel. No one has ever gotten out of there how you did, though I know you had a bit of help.” I look at the floor, he has a point. “But we’ve went through hell, and I don’t know how I feel about going back into hell again without knowing I can get about out again”, I say. I’m not sure how I feel at the moment. The drugs are making it impossible for me to think about what I might do. Sylphie hops down from the bed, making cute little sounds as she tries to climb down. Her feet hit the floor and she stands up right, much to the Doctors surprise. “Tadah!”, she shouts triumphantly with arms in the air. She walks up to me and puts her had on my upper arm. Pulling my arm forward as she slides her hand down it, she reaches my hand and clasps onto it. Then holding up her left hand out to her side she produces a marble sized ball of light. Suddenly it doubles in size, then triples and now is the size of a medicine ball. It’s very bright, and very dense. Then it just pops like a balloon and vanishes. “You may not remember how to use this power, but I do. And so long as I have the two of your near by to complete the circuit I can do this all day long. If I’d have (she chuckles) dropped the ball, it would have destroyed this whole building”, Sylphie says confidently while releasing my hand.

“But, if you’d used that much power the alarm… (The alarm goes off)… Would have gone… Never-mind”, says Bjorn.

Sylphie puts both of her hands on my cheeks and points my face at her, “Also, when we couldn’t seem to wake up, and we were only getting sicker, I deciding to defuse all of us, and remove the part, myself, that was making us sick. I thought that I’d die, but you came back and used your healing abilities to allow my body to stabilize as it was. Thank you. You, Alira are my Paladin, Fallon, you are My Tactician, and lastly… I’m your Striker. But unlike conventional strikers, I can borrow and use both of your powers to keep my body stable, as well as having my mental stability from you too… Thank you Erma, and Dita!” She smiles really big and hugs me, nuzzling my cheek with her nose and cheek. The doctor turns to the wall, and silences the Sick Bay alarm which was only making the lights flash at this point. Bjorn slumps over and lets our a sigh like a frustrated father, “Well now that that’s over, lets go get something to eat. I’m just… Yeah… See you around, börnin.” Bjorn slowing walks out with a confused Danielle watching him walk away.

I dull confusion is buzzing in my brain. So I begin to walk for the door. Fallon starts to walk after me, but Sylphie stops her. As soon as I get to the door I begin running down the hallway, though I don’t know where I’m going. To my right I see a stairwell, and I open up the doors and charge up the stairs with all my might. I go up, and up, and as I run tears begin to from and fall down my face. After 5 flights I reach the end and then push open the door. I’m outside now, and the setting sun is blinding me from between the giant struts of the construct above me, and between the towering buildings. This area is roof access for the building, and there is a giant antenna tower off to the side. I walk to the ladder, and attempt to climb it, but there is a forcefield shaped like chicken wire stopping me. I walk back to the railing facing the setting sun. I kick the concrete cracking it a little with my foot, and then I suddenly feel a little weaker and lean on the railing looking down the building reflecting the orange clouds in the sky.

“This world feels like a twisted, broken reality and I feel like a twisted broken woman living in it. I just want to rest”, I monologue to myself while crying over the railing, “This can’t be a real place. It’s one thing to watch, or read a science fiction, and totally another to live it. This world is to beautiful, and so horrible and terrifying. Why am I here? I feel like I’m lost, and being jerked about by a quixotic science fiction writer who can discern the feelings of her own heart so she is jerking around with mine to figure it out. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck do you think you are!? If you’re out there, stop scripting my life and torturing my heart. I just want to rest… Why won’t you let me rest. Get out of my head… Stop watching me… Stop writing… Me… Ha… So here we are, right back at the beginning. This world makes no sense to me. The properties of most of it are so familiar, but the others so strange. My very existence feels like a paradox. Ironic really… All my life I just wanted to be normal… but I wasn’t. So then if I couldn’t be normal, I’d wish to be whisked away from it all to a strange world that was as strange as I am. Now I’m in such a world, and I’m desperately trying to escape it. What’s wrong with me…” My tears stream down my face and a terrible pain aches in my chest as I raise my arms up to the sky.

“If there is some, divine, higher being in all this mess, why don’t you do something about this mess. Ha… (I fall back onto the railing). The world as always been like this… Havens of bliss like islands in the midst of worlds filled with suffering. Those who live well, and those who suffer unto their own ends. Why must we suffer? Is their any purpose for it. Moreover, who decided that I was fit to hold this power.” I lean over the railing more and whimper. “I just want to be left alone… But I don’t want to be alone. Why is that so hard… Why is that such a difficult demand. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just don’t… But, if I don’t fight, no one else will be able to do what I can do in my stead. Even my body has been through so many transformations that I don’t even recognize myself… This is the 3rd time in my life I’ve had the body of a child. I look so different from how I used to, but strangely the same. I’ve had visions of the opulence and beauty of this world sprung up like flowers from the desolate and charred landscape of hatred, and wrongs. The sunlight of this world like a triage, deciding who lives and who dies, and not caring one iota about the things it’s light denies. I’ve watched so much pain, and suffering that I’d probably be happy to have my eyes shut. But if I did, those images burned into my mind would just play in terminal repeat.” I’m shaking again, but I feel too medicated, and lethargic to really respond to them, and they are only lightly quelled by the drugs.

“200 years into the future, and we as a race are no closer to enlightenment, or equality. In fact, we are in some ways the same as we’ve always been. A morally contrasted landscape of enormous charity and atrocious calamities. We don’t even just kill for material things, but also for ideas, power, and control over our fellow sentient beings. A dismal rock with a dismal race aboard floating aimlessly, clambering about nothing, with lives rendered virtually meaningless by the cosmos itself.” I turn away from the sun now setting behind the hills and mountains, and slide down against the railing. I cry into my hands, and my soul feels like it aches through and through. “I guess it’s not like I’ve been completely alone. But, really, I’ve spent so much time in isolation that I can’t help but ache, and long for a different world. But there is no other world I can fathom. No utopia could quell my mind, and in no dystopia could I ever find peace. The cogs of my mind like a ticking clock just clatter on driving me bonkers. I wish I could quiet my mind, and just rest, and just stop caring about everything. (looking up at the sky). That would be nice… To just rest, thoughtlessly, mindlessly. Or perhaps, what it is I mean, is to be an observer. To exist, but to just watch, and find contentment in that. I don’t know. I just… I don’t want to hurt anymore, nor see others hurt. I just want all that to end.”

Reneta Xian (Scian)

This is my blog where I write stories from my perspective as a trans* person, stories that give represent the GLBT community in my favorite genre, Science Fiction!

Getting started with Rene…

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