Paranormal Reflux and Then Some

I have no definitive answer, but I thought that was a good post title.

Regardless of what my top level informant tells me, I have my suspicions regarding the existence of creatures called Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Skunk Ape, Yei, Almas, what-the-hell-ever. Many years have I swatted mosquitos and pinched loafs in the field looking for tracks, listening for wood knocks, and sniffing for putrid stinks, other than mine, that are said to accompany these beasts. I have found nothing. Nothing!

Photos from a bank of trail cams hidden in the wilderness surrounding my remote cabin have revealed nothing but the normal wildlife one would expect: deer, bear, bobcats, foxes, dogs, trespassers, people fucking, you name it.

I even have a selfie that a barn owl took while sitting on a branch near the camera. Scared the shit out of me when I looked at it! Those things are creepy looking. Cool as hell though.

Anyway, Bigfoot. Big ol’ Bigfoot. What is going on people?

It would be one thing if we could all just enjoy these mysterious stories, which is all they are, stories, without having to actually think there is something to go find!

But we fool ourselves. And you don’t have to be stupid to fool yourself, there are a great number of smart people in this world fooling themselves everyday, and not just about Bigfoot.

But to continue, let’s take for example, the late Grover Krantz. A smart man with an impressive scholarly track record, Grantz, at first a skeptic, eventually turned believer and outspoken advocate for the existence of Sasquatch. His theory was that sightings of these creatures could be credited to a small surviving population of Gigantopithecus blacki.

His turn from Bigfoot skeptic came through his examination of the “Cripple Foot” track casts made in Bossburg, Washington in November of 1969.

Image used for reference only

Actaully, let’s just say, “cast” in the singular form. The claim is made that Krantz, along with René Dahinden, examined all 1,089 tracks in the snow, yet there is only a reference to, and a cast of, one (1) alleged cripple foot. We don’t even get to see any pictures, not even two, of the other 1,089 purported tracks found.

It would also make sense to note that, in the book Sasquatch, by Don Hunter, with René Dahinden, it is mentioned that the tracks were found made in “soft soil.” Not in the snow. Maybe I’m missing something there. Maybe they were made in soft soil with snow on top.

You know what my first thought is when I look at that “cripple foot” track in the snow, seen in the photo above? It looks like somebody stumbled in the snow. I see a gloved left hand print and a boot heel. The two impressions did not have to be made at the same time. But that’s just my stupid observation.

Do you know what Krantz had to say about the possibility that someone hoaxed the cripple foot tracks?

with all the subtle hints of anatomy design, he had to be a real genius, an expert at anatomy, very inventive, an original thinker. He had to outclass me in those areas, and I don’t think anyone outclasses me in those areas, at least not since Leonardo da Vinci. So I say such a person is impossible, therefore the tracks are real.

Who the hell makes a comment like that? That’s a fucking odd thing to say.

Anyway, let’s get back to the original topic of smart people persisting to entertain the idea of Bigfoot as a real creature. I will stop using the term “believe.” With abundant evidence to the contrary, and a huge absence of real evidence — which, to be sure is not evidence of absence, as I have heard — why does it continue?

Dr. Meldrum, in his study of casts of alleged Sasquatch footprints, has become convinced that enough similarity is found between many track casts far and wide to warrant serious investigation into the possible reality of these creatures.

On one hand I kind of agree with him, but on the other I can’t help but think that maybe he, like so many other Bigfoot proponents, is conveniently ignoring some details that may suggest the contrary to that which is desired.

Granted I have not studied track casts in as much depth as Dr. Meldrum, but for years I wanted Bigfoot to be real. I poured over books, watched TV shows, documentaries, read stories of encounters, and went into the woods hoping for an encounter of my own. It never happened, and over time I began to see a common element to it all. Strip away all the “evidence” and look at what is really going on.

We watch the shows, read the stories, and are entertained by the mysteries. Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Dogmen (yes, Dogmen), UFOs, Alien conspiracies.

Finding Bigfoot, MonsterQuest, Mountain Monsters, The X-Files, Arthur C. Clarke’s Mysterious World, In Search Of…, all of the books, films, and shows; with all of the mysterious things they present, they all hint at only one reality…

A mysterious crater recently discovered via satellite in the western United States (no one driving by in their cars really noticed it) hints at the activity of Hollow Earth dwellers. Could global warming be heating things up in Earth’s Inner Sanctum?

Scientists have discovered four new craters in the Siberian Yamal Peninsula in northern Russia. The current theory is that methane gas is being released from the thick permafrost, which is melting due to global warming.

Hah! We all know that global warming is a joke, no one is going to make me give up my fucking Bronco!

But back to the story…

According to the science geniuses, who are probably just blowing smoke — like the cigarette smoking man in the X-Files — to conceal the truth, higher-than-normal local temperatures are causing the permafrost to thaw, causing methane gas to escape and the earth above to drop into the void. Giant sink holes if you will.

That’s possible I guess, but it seems too simple an explanation really, when we know that other secret things are going on that we don’t know about, and are being covered up by our governments who pay the scientists to spread misinformation.

And what about this “flash of light” seen by locals before the most recent crater discovery? Was this caused by methane gas ignited by friction as the earth collapsed, or was it the collective glow from the flashlights of Hollow Earth Dwellers escaping from a super-heated nightmare below?

My covert conspiracy informant tells me that Hollow Earth Dwellers were picked up by hovering UFOs, from many rendezvous points around the world, and shuttled away to safety under the cover of darkness. As a result a similar crater is rumored to have been discovered in the western United States, but it’s hush hush of course. The photo above was leaked to me by my informant.

The lifestyle of Hollow Earth Dwellers is in peril and they need to escape to safer havens. It’s the poor idiots on the surface of the planet who are screwed!

I do most of my work, and living, in a small cabin in the woods. That’s the way I like it. The atmosphere is relaxing, serene. No pesky neighbors spying on my, no dogs barking, no traffic noise, sirens or honking. I can do my paranormal research and debunking in peace and quiet.

This week I decided to spend some time in town. I own a little furnished row house that I typically rent, but it was available this month so I figured, what the hell. It’s nice to be around people sometimes, and a little stroll down to one of my favorite BYO restaurants is good for the spirit.

Town life is okay, until you’re sitting at your desk trying to do some work and the neighbors’ smoke detectors start beeping! The owners are off to work so they don’t know, and the damn things beep, beep, beep, back and forth, over-lapping and counter chirping their shrill tones like fucking drunk crickets trying to charm the chick with the best bush.

And I know there’s no fire! How? How do I know their isn’t some flaming bagel forgotten in the toaster oven? The goddamn alerts went haywire yesterday too! Cops showed up to peek in the windows. Then the folks got back from work and managed to quiet their little army of beeping psychological torture devices.

Yes. Psychological torture! Ever sit and listen to smoke alarms? Knowing that it will be bleeting and blatting all day?! It is torture, plain and simple. These things are hard-wired to the house, and interconnected, so it doesn’t matter if the batteries die, they have an unlimited power source! They will beep until the cows come home!

My only hope is that the owners will come home from work early today, since it is Friday. Meanwhile, I’m about to head out to Walmart because I can’t even hear myself think. Looking at fat asses that shouldn’t wear bright orange granny-panties under yoga pants, and then bend over, has got to be better than this!