​Apparently we’re having less sex than we used to… PANIC

It’s broadly accepted, in much of the mainstream media, that when it comes to shagging you can never have too much of a good thing. So initial reports this week that people are having less sex than we did 20 years ago might give you cause for alarm. Don’t worry, though, I am here to calm your worried, potentially sex-starved mind.

Let’s get the facts out there to start with: according to a study in the U.S., people are having less sex today than they did ten or twenty years ago. Researchers found not only that thefrequency of sex is going down (i.e. those who have it are having less of it) but also that the number of people between the ages of 20-24 who have no sex at all is increasing.

Panic! Horror! Misery! Woe!

Except it’s actually not all bad news. There are lots of reasons why we might be having less sex, and some of those reasons show just how lucky we are.

What exactly counts as ‘sex’?

Whenever a study like this comes out, my very first question is: what exactly are they counting as sex? When I shag my boyfriend, I usually count it as sex if one or both of us has had an orgasm. That means I get to include mutual masturbation, blow jobs, and the occasional long afternoon of a weekend which we spend watching porn and touching ourselves on the sofa. But there are many other ways to have sex: frotting, for instance, likely isn’t always counted by people answering survey questions, but it can still be a valuable addition to anyone’s sex life.

Solo sex, aka masturbation, might not instantly leap to mind if someone with a clipboard were to approach you in the street and ask how recently you’d got laid, but masturbation too is a pretty awesome component of my sex life. It’s sex with the person I love the most. Cheap joke, sorry.

My point, though, is that it might be hard to do a proper comparison between sex today and sex twenty years ago. Not only do we have easier access to a much broader set of sexual tools (helloooo glass dildos and butt plugs and whips andrestraints and all that lovely stuff), but we also have a much broader notion of what sex is, and can be. It doesn’t need to be a hetero-leaning box-ticking exercise where someone puts their train into another person’s tunnel – sex is a much more nuanced thing than that.

What are we doing besides having sex?

The other important point – raised by the researchers in their comments on the study too – is that we just have a whole lot more to do in our lives these days. With the advent of email, smartphones, and Netflix, we’ve got unlimited entertainment and diversion at our disposal. I am certainly guilty of spending more time on Twitter than I spend on my boyfriend’s cock. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Sure, if you’re worried about how much time you spend online, you might want to try and set up a system for dropping your usage a bit, but if it’s not causing you a problem, why not share that cat gif? Why would you pressure yourself into having sex if you simply don’t fancy it today? Why pressure your partner into having more sex when both of you are perfectly comfortable having a cuddle and binge-watching Better Call Saul? It’s fine. It’s all fine. Honestly. The sex police aren’t going to show up at your house and give you targets to hit to make sure you beat the previous generation’s record. You get to decide what you want and when – and that’s a lovely thing.

How much sex do we actually want?

The final point, and I think it’s the most important one, is what the ‘right’ amount of sex is to have anyway. As I mentioned above, sex is often portrayed in the media as something so good you can never have too much of it. But tell that to my aching vagina after a long evening of overenthusiastic humping. Tell that to my mouth after giving my partner the third blow job of the day, as I make like a stranded tourist in the Sahara desert, thirstily sucking the last few drops out of a pouch of Capri-Sun.

More importantly, we understand more about consent and pleasure than we did ten or twenty years ago. Thanks to cool books like Enjoy Sex (seriously, I’m recommending this everywhere, it’s excellent) we are coming to terms with the fact that sex is not a goal in and of itself. More important is to understand what you need, what your partners need, and how best to make the most of whatever you do do together. It’s not about counting score, like a football match, it’s more about dancing together: far more important to understand and enjoy it than to do it as often as possible.

Sex itself is like chocolate cake: many of us want to have a lot of it, but most of us can agree that there’s such a thing as ‘too much.’ Personally, I reckon by my fourth or fifth slice it starts tasting a bit sickly, and I’d much rather switch to crisps. So find the recipe that works best for you and your partners, and make sure to enjoy and savour it. You don’t have to have fifty extra pieces just because the person on the next table is.

And if none of that has persuaded you, consider this: when looking at sexual frequency, the research actually found that we’re only having sex seven fewer times each year (on average) than couples in the 1990s. Seven times. Seeing as some of the sex I have is done and dusted within five minutes, seven times might total less than an episode of The Wire. I can live with that, if it means I get to keep my smartphone, amazing sex toys, and an attitude to sex that prioritises quality over quantity.

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