Former presidential candidate and Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney announced he is rejoining Marriott International’s board of directors, calling it great news for the tens of millions of Americans and their unemployed children’s children.

Former presidential candidate and Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney announced he is rejoining Marriott International’s board of directors, calling it great news for the tens of millions of Americans and their unemployed children’s children.

“This is my gift to you,” Mr. Romney announced to a crowd of bewildered onlookers outside the Courtyard by Marriott New York Manhattan/SoHo on Varick Street. “I am in the midst of a turnaround and that has to be heartening for every American out there to hear. This good news has been a long time coming and I am just happy that I am the one who can bring it you.”

Mr. Romney said that despite onerous regulations and crippling corporate taxation, he was still able to create the plum job for himself that will drive the economy forward and unleash new employment opportunities for Americans of all stripes.

“I know it’s just one job,” he said of his position on the Marriott board of directors, “but you have to admit it’s a heck of a job and I’m sure you are all looking forward to seeing what I can do with it.”

Gazing ahead to 2013, Mr. Romney said he expected that life and the economy would only get better for him and the country. He noted that the construction sector will “receive a huge boost” from his renovation plan to transform his California beach house into an 11,000-square-foot mansion, complete with a car elevator. And the construction business won’t be the only segment benefiting from his turn in fortunes, Mr. Romney said.

“Now that I am gainfully employed again, I might be able to buy those gifts for the female, black and Latino voters who cost me the election,” he said, telling the audience that they and their non-white and non-female friends could expect to hear a lot more good news about him in the coming months.

“This is one small job for me but one great leap for you,” the former governor said.

Speaking from a leather swivel chair set atop the roof of his new black Audi Q7, which was illegally parked in front of the Courtyard by Marriott, Mr. Romney said his success at creating a job for himself in the midst of a time of terrible employment prospects - especially for those over 50 – should serve as a source of inspiration for struggling Americans.

Pausing at times to wipe away tears, Mr. Romney spoke reverently of the market’s invisible hand that so comfortingly returned him to the position – worth about $170,000 a year - that he has held twice before with the hotel chain, and he counseled other struggling job seekers to “hang in there until a directorship opens up on some other corporate board” for them.

Page 2 of 2 - “I know it’s hard, but be patient,” he said. “Stay around the house by yourself. Peck away at your iPad. Email your CEO buddies. And have faith in the hand. As long as you believe, the hand will take care of you the way it has taken care of me.”

Mr. Romney said it was good to have the country back on track again thanks to the announcement of his new position.

“I know this has been a particularly difficult time for many of you as you have struggled to keep your life together after watching me lose the election last month. Believe me, I can feel your pain,” Mr. Romney said. “I know you have spent aimless hours looking out the windows of your beach houses at noisy construction workers fixing up your next-door neighbor’s home and wondering what if … What if Mitt Romney had won?

“Well, I’m not going to let that get me down. Even though I no longer have an aide to make my peanut-butter-and-honey sandwiches, life could be worse. I tell myself that without the genius of the free market, I may have had to cook Thanksgiving dinner for my family rather than pick it up at a Boston Market. It’s those little things that remind you how lucky we are to be living in this time in America.”

The former presidential candidate says his new board position has helped put his life and his petty concerns in perspective again. He no longer wakes up, he said, worrying about the looming fiscal cliff, or the strife in the Middle East, or what object Clint Eastwood might be talking to.

“I’m a happier man now,” Mr. Romney said, “and I am sure I speak for the nation when I say that it is a happier place for it.”

Philip Maddocks writes political satire and humor for GateHouse Media and can be reached at pmaddocks@wickedlocal.com.