Saturday, March 31, 2018

gus was calmer tonight, i let the leash go lightly and he went in small circles, quiet, and we felt more easy together. i didn't try to restrain him and he didn't try to pull me. what i thought was him was also me, my frustration, wanting accord, not knowing how.

it's a pretty good day. after a bad beginning, getting caught in a rainstorm with no rainpants and worrying about gus, i made a short walk with mister and he was disappointed, he wanted to go with me when i left, he was all set to go to the island and see the birders, but i promised him a good walk in the afternoon, and it was. pebble beach was all pebbled again. it amazes me how the storms will bring or take away all the pebbles, as well as move about big slabs of concrete and chunks of limestone. it was a good day but a long week and fatigue and stress accumulated till up to the time we should rest like god did but have to do the feaster family thing which is good but, well, you know.

gus afternoon was much better weather than gus morning. gus was waiting in the dining room, his eyes sweeping to and fro. we went to the midway again. he did circles and looked away. i don't know what he sees but i stop and hug him and try to reassure him by seeing me. the doctor gave him a checkup before and said the stuff that alarmed me this morning was just the vicissitudes of age, and his mom wasn't worried like me, so i got unworried like her. now i'm calmer, and i can deal with his distress and let him circle more calmly while i wait.

it was a dramatic morning this saturday. i thought gus was going to collapse. the wind blew me sideways on my bike and i caught my fall. i said to r. it's a bad day, i had a bad feeling. i always do that, when i was a kid i felt like the sky was gonna fall eyes scanning and i stepped on glass in a subdivision refuse swamp looking for frog life. i climbed trees to feel safe, watching the sky waving watching the ground rise up to meet me. well the rain stopped and gus is back on his couch in his nest with his fan and his bear and i'm watching the talking heads with penny so relieved nothing bad came, the sky just hangs there, the wind winds and snakes and tunnels, we fall and get back up again and lay back down between yesterday and tomorrow.

No sense of harmony, no sense of timeDon't mention harmonySay "what is it? What is it? What is it?"Give a little shock, and he raises his handSomebody shouts out, says"What is it? What is it? What is it?"

He was shot down in the night!People ride by but his body's still aliveThe girl in the window, what has she done?She looks down at me and says "I don't wanna die!"

Somebody could have told us where they goCrawling all around looking for foot, foot, footprintsNow tell me what the hell have we become?Some dirty little bastards, what the hell is going on?

No sense of harmony, no sense of timeDon't mention harmonySay "What is it? What is it? What is it?"Give a little shock, and he raises his handSomebody shouts outSays "What is it? What is it? What is it?"

He was shot down in the nightPeople ride by but his body's still aliveGirl in the window what has she done?She looks down at me and says "I don't want to die!"

Lost my shapeTrying to act casual!Can't stopI might end up in the hospitalI'm changing my shapeI feel like an accidentThey're back!To explain their experienceIsn't it weirLooks too obscure to meWasting awayAnd that was their policyI'm ready to leaveI push the fact in front of meFacts lostFacts are never what they seem to beNothing there!No information left of any kindLifting my headLooking for danger signsThere was a lineThere was a formulaSharp as a knifeFacts cut a hole in usThere was a lineThere was a formulaSharp as a knifeFacts cut a hole in usI'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...The feeling returnsWhenever we close out eyesLifting my headlooking around insideThe island of doubtIt's like the taste of medicineWorking by hindsightGot the message from the oxygenMaking a listFind the cost of opportunityDoing it rightFacts are useless in emergenciesThe feeling returnsWhenever we close out eyesLifting my headLooking around inside.Facts are simple and facts are straightFacts are lazy and facts are lateFacts all come with points of viewFacts don't do what I want them toFacts just twist the truth aroundFacts are living turned inside outFacts are getting the best of themFacts are nothing on the face of thingsFacts don't stain the furnitureFacts go out and slam the doorFacts are written all over your faceFacts continue to change their shapeI'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting...

the first day gus was in the left end of the couch. in the right end his polar bear was laying in a nest of sheets and pillows. gus looked up wondering who i was or why. the next day gus was in the nest in the right end of the couch with his face in the fan now turned on. his bear was in the left end. today he slid off the couch and flopped on his side. he peed. ok ok gus let's try this. he turned circles. he sniffed mary louise's choice parts. now he's re-oriented. he watches her go. he turns circles. i call his mom. that's just gus she says.

Friday, March 30, 2018

gust of night. soon as we get into the night gus looks at me with his eyes big with fear that say we gotta get out of here!he seems to feel it's a dangerous world outside, and how can i convince him otherwise? it is.

In his farewell address, Obama paid tribute to the hardscrabble
neighborhoods where, as he said, he “learned that change only happens
when ordinary people get involved, get engaged, and come together to
demand it.” That’s the credo of the CBA coalition—of the South Side’s
ordinary denizens who say of his center, “Push back on being pushed
out.”

the smug bureaucrats of the obama empire are entrenched in their done deals, smugly meeting the community with blank stares, arrogantly furthering their corporate investors goals, but this won't go down according to their deceptive narrative. they will honor no community benefits agreement because they mean to completely overtake the community for the speculators and the elite who will be able to stay. the people fighting against obama are the ones he left behind and now will push from the neighborhoods he pretends to care for. he cares for his constituents. he cares for the golfers and the bankers, the industrial barons, the super-predators, his constituents are the powerful and the entitled.

the beast in meis caged by frail and fragile barsrestless by dayand by night rants and rages at the starsgod help the beast in me

the beast in mehas had to learn to live with painand how to shelter from the rainand in the twinkling of an eyemight have to be restrainedgod help the beast in me

sometimes it tries to kid methat it's just a teddy bearand even somehow manage to vanish in the airand that is when I must bewareof the beast in me that everybody knowsthey've seen him out dressed in my clothespatently unclearif it's new york or new yeargod help the beast in me

by and by i think mister and murphy will be buddies. mister starts out kind of aloof, especially with puppies, which he regards as sort of alien species of cuteness. and he's used to being the one fawned over. but murphy is a subtle pup, and i know mister was impressed, and once the jealousy subsides, and everyone fawns over everyone equally, these two distant relations will be bosom buddies.

i find our troll face down in the swamp, like that painting by millais, ophelia, blue hair billowing out in the clear spring water. i rescue her, (for now she's a her, a pre-raphaelite troll. being free of genitalia, her sex is fluid), and place her on a raft in the center of the swamp. before leaving i ask the swamp air around her, are you o.k. here?

the rabbit was a symbol associated with eostre, representing the
beginning of springtime. likewise, the egg has come to represent spring,
fertility and renewal. in germanic mythology, it is said that ostara
healed a wounded bird she found in the woods by changing it into a hare. still partially a bird, the hare showed its gratitude to the goddess by
laying eggs as gifts.
the encyclopedia britannica clearly explains the pagan traditions
associated with the egg: "the egg as a symbol of fertility and of
renewed life goes back to the ancient egyptians and persians, who had
also the custom of colouring and eating eggs during their spring
festival.” in ancient egypt, an egg symbolised the sun, while for the babylonians, the egg represents the hatching of the venus ishtar, who
fell from heaven to the euphrates.

dr. patel is having an easter egg hunt at pearl vision and invited the good neighbors. she said,we hope to
see lots of kids as we have lots of eggs.

a good neighbor replied:

Dear Dr Patel

Christians celebrate Easter on Easter Sunday, not on Good Friday. Having an Easter Egg Hunt on Good Friday, one of the holiest days in the Christian calendar, is insensitive, to put it mildly.

(note: the White House Easter Egg Roll is NEVER on Friday or Saturday of Holy Week - it is always on the Monday following Easter - with good reason)

Dhilanthi Fernando

sarah sent this which made her really angry, i thought it was hilarious and read it to r. in a rather stilted manner and she cracked up like humpty. Easter as a celebration of the Goddess of Spring A related perspective is that, rather than being a representation of
the story of Ishtar, Easter was originally a celebration of Eostre,
goddess of Spring, otherwise known as Ostara, Austra, and Eastre. One of
the most revered aspects of Ostara for both ancient and modern
observers is a spirit of renewal. Celebrated at Spring Equinox on March 21, Ostara marks the day when
light is equal to darkness, and will continue to grow. As the bringer of
light after a long dark winter, the goddess was often depicted with the
hare, an animal that represents the arrival of spring as well as the
fertility of the season. According to Jacob Grimm’s Deutsche Mythologie, the idea of
resurrection was ingrained within the celebration of Ostara: “Ostara,
Eástre seems therefore to have been the divinity of the radiant dawn, of
upspringing light, a spectacle that brings joy and blessing, whose
meaning could be easily adapted by the resurrection-day of the
christian’s God.” Most analyses of the origin of the word ‘Easter’ maintain that it was
named after a goddess mentioned by the 7th to 8th-century English monk
Bede, who wrote that Ēosturmōnaþ (Old English 'Month of Ēostre',
translated in Bede's time as "Paschal month") was an English month,
corresponding to April, which he says "was once called after a goddess
of theirs named Ēostre, in whose honour feasts were celebrated in that
month". The origins of Easter customs The most widely-practiced customs on Easter Sunday relate to the
symbol of the rabbit (‘Easter bunny’) and the egg. As outlined
previously, the rabbit was a symbol associated with Eostre, representing
the beginning of Springtime. Likewise, the egg has come to represent
Spring, fertility and renewal. In Germanic mythology, it is said that
Ostara healed a wounded bird she found in the woods by changing it into a
hare. Still partially a bird, the hare showed its gratitude to the
goddess by laying eggs as gifts. The Encyclopedia Britannica clearly explains the pagan traditions
associated with the egg: “The egg as a symbol of fertility and of
renewed life goes back to the ancient Egyptians and Persians, who had
also the custom of colouring and eating eggs during their spring
festival.” In ancient Egypt, an egg symbolised the sun, while for the
Babylonians, the egg represents the hatching of the Venus Ishtar, who
fell from heaven to the Euphrates.

toy mouse strategy. i noted yesterday penny's toy mouse by jasper's dish, and jasper not eating. i thought it was a coincidence. the mouse moved around through the day. this morning it was by jasper's dish again, placed just so. jasper came close, looked at the mouse and left. i put the mouse elsewhere and bonito flakes to call him back. he ate contentedly. penny was non-plussed and left part of her food for jasper while she hunted something in the living room behind the round river stone.

maybe it's the polka dots and the giant eye. maybe the underpass is where gus gets goofy. polka dots are fun and make you giddy, unless you have cloudy vision at night and you go bonkers with all the black eyes looming at you. i decide to avoid the claustrophobic zones and head for green space, which we have near, since we supposedly saved the midway.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

we started out calmly. i talked and whistled. i soothed and petted. on the avenue by the tracks he got spooky again like he was in the bush of ghosts, zigzagging here and there. i tried to calm him but immediately he started his frantic dance again. tomorrow i'll take him to the midway where there are more bushes and not as many houses and ghosts.