my name is Mrs. Hope, and…

I’m addicted to IVF. There’s no other explanation. I’m happier, calmer, more hopeful than I’ve been in the 4 weeks or so since the last cycle officially failed.

More specifically, I’m addicted to the down-regulation and the stimulation parts of an IVF cycle.

I love the chance. I love the hope. I love the sense of control. I love organizing the needles, the drugs, the alcohol swabs, and the sharps containers. I can time each dose of medication exactly. I can measure each dose precisely. I can do everything right.

There’s so much possibility. I can close my eyes and almost imagine our happy ending.

It’s just like gambling or playing the lottery, if you think about it. The stakes are high, there’s lots of money involved, and the high if you succeed is heart-filling.

I don’t know if I’ll ever want to give up. I don’t know how to give up. I’m addicted to the chance of being pregnant, of giving birth, and of being a mother.

My name is Mrs. Hope, and I’m an IVF addict.

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19 Responses to “my name is Mrs. Hope, and…”

I had never thought of it this way but it is so true. It was so much easier to cope with the harsh reality of infertility when you were doing something about it and could dream that there would be a happy ending. It really is so much like gambling or playing the lottery!

I’m with Thalia, I wouldn’t class it as an addiction (though it’s a pretty good analogy!) The sense of control that comes with DOING something is the part that I remember finding comfort in. I feel a similar thing with the homestudy. Right now I am busy doing something. Soon I will just be waiting again. It’s all the waiting that follows that makes any of these routes so damn hard!

you’re so right. the supression and stim parts are the best because we get to be in control. we get to know we’re doing all the things we’re suppossed to do. we have all sorts of potions and powders and mixing to preoccupy our ttc thoughts, instead of all the OTHER stuff that gets pushed away for a while. and once we get the hang of it, it becomes such a nice little comfort zone. other people may get pregnant at the bat of an eyelash, but i KNOW how to give myself an injection. we become good at infertility.

You are so right in your analogy. That hopeful “high” whilst you’re cycling when you feel it might all be ok is a almost addictive.

Having just finished my second unsuccessful IVF/ICSI i’m now in the horrible low that hits you at the other end. The only thing that’s going to fix this low is to get back on with another cycle. It’s all about trying to get back control.

Very well said! I am right there with you. It is so nice at the start of the cycle to be able to “control” what you are doing. There is so little in this whole process that is out of our control it is a good feeling to have something to hold on to. Best of luck with this cycle!

Too funny! You are not alone Mrs. Hope. I worry that I may be suffering from the same thing… There is something about that possible happily ever after that I can’t seem to shake, even though the chances are so low. I wish you all the best with your cycle.

Hi Mrs. Hope, If only I know I will have another chance for IVF, then maybe I will not be pressured now with my first. You are right, every chance we get is good, it gives us hope which allows us to keep on going on. I wish you lots of luck with your next steps.