Monday, August 20, 2007

"Undermine All the Atheists," that's my motto, or it would be if I started having a motto

I like subverting people's minds.

I'm a Christian, with a capital C--important thingie, means I think about how everything goes into getting me into Heaven--and I'm here to tell you a little story, of something I did.

There's this very sweet and pretty girl who I'm trying to catch. She's darling, and good natured, and well mannered. One day I says to her, "I'm a pirate," because I decided a while ago that I am. And she comes back with, "I'm a director. I like to help people know where to go."

That's a nice and polite and kind and sweet sort of thing to say. Unless run through the moi filter.

I send back to her, "You know, everyone I've ever known who said that meant it subversively to put me off my guard because they were secretly plotting to take over the world." Not strictly true, because most of those in my acquaint don't tend to hide that they're trying to take over the world. I certainly don't try to hide that I am, except in strategic ways. It's too early yet for China to be in the know, but there will come a day.

Then, this lovely, kindly, relatively innocent girl, comes back with this: "I hope I'm not trying to take over the world. That would be mean."

She goes on to say, though, "Actually, that is my plan. You're the first person to have me figured out."

I felt good about that. It's remained a sort of running joke twixt us. I felt sort of proud, and still okay with God.

Question: If everything you do is meant to get you into heaven, isn't that inherently very selfish? Because then you're thinking me, me, me--and as a megolomaniac myself, I see nothing wrong with this but as your mentore I feel that I should point out this tragic flaw in your design.

And I don't necessarily want to take over the world. I just want minions. Lots and lots of minions.

Oh, and butterfly nets are used for catching fairies. Not girls. Unless it's a girl fairy. But they're not sweet, innocent, etc.

Very good question, Mentore, about inherently selfishness. Easy answer: yes. It is inherently selfish. But in order to get into heaven, or so I've been told, you have to do some really and truly self-less things. And although it's possible to do self-less seeming things for selfish reasons, they wouldn't be selfless things if you did. So you've got a sort of dillema problem thingie. Which is generally solved by distraction, thusly: when the really important selfless acts come along, either they're so big you forget to have a selfish perspective, and are thus distracted into charity, which you can look back on later and go "bollocks. Oh well, time to knock over a bank, and take all the lollypops for the lost kids while we're at it." Which are two particularly selfish things to do.

The other kind of important, self-less thing is the type of thing so small you don't realize it counts, and so you again are distracted from your selfish desire to eventually end up in paradise.

Hard answer: Auchtungumpher. Just try saying that five times fast.

I've never actually counted the future dictators I know. Several at least. None, now that I think of it, are atheists as far as I know.