Wednesday, November 01, 2006

This shit is... well, just plain shit, frankly.

From most improved to most deteriorated...

and the weiner is...

Now, the comparison to Fergie has been made elsewhere perfectly well, but it is totally apt so I will repeat it: GWEN STEFANI'S NEW SINGLE SOUNDS LIKE FERGIE ON A VERY BAD DAY. Indeed, I really didn't think I'd hear a worse song than 'London Bridge' (which is allegedly about group sex) this year, but 'Wind It Up' has roughly the appeal of a menage a trois with Emily and Lavina Williams (am I the only one who just realised that they can be referred to as the OTHER Williams sisters?). It makes Madonna's 'American Life' sound credible in comparison.

As, you will hear if you dare to listen, it samples 'The Lonely Goatherd'. As you will hear if you can bear to keep listening, that is very literally the 'best' thing about it. Additionally, she makes reference to wearing clothes from L.A.M.B.

More like 'mutton dressed as L.A.M.B'. We'll evidently be "waiting for [her] hot track" for a while yet.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Call that a touchdown?

THIS is a touchdown.

The first was good, as were both Chris and Damien (who actually deserved a touchdown more than anyone else did, frankly), but when you compare it to a Classic Casey Moment TM, there's just no fucking contest.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Make your vote count

I'm tired of all the nonsense about how Idull this year has had the best selection of talent ever. Frankly, it's been a beigefest to make even last year look good. Bobby Flynn might have been the most interesting thing on offer, but he was still a fundamentalist Christian STING IMPERSONATOR who looked distinctly like the kid from Mask*, but without Cher as an accessory. And frankly, a Bob Mackie gown or two might have been of use.

Being a lefty whinger from way back, I'm used to being able to express my discontent with the candidates on offer by excercising a 'no candidate' vote. Since the powers that be at Network Ten are unlikely to offer such an option, I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Young Divas have announced single number two and the release of their album in December. After their cover of Donna Summer's 1989 Stock Aitken Waterman penned and produced hit 'This Time I Know It's For Real', they're raiding the SAW achives again with a cover of Lonnie Gordon's appropriately titled 'Happenin' All Over Again'.

These songs are perfect for the YDs, having been written by pasty Brits for fading black divas. Why, then, have they resorted to covers of 'It's Raining Men', 'Gloria' and 'What a Feeling' (especially as Marcia Hines recorded the last of these semi-recently) for their album?

I propose they head back to the studio and make the 100% SAW-penned album that is their destiny. This should include:

'You Think You're a Man' - originally recorded by Divine (with a guest appearance from Courtney Act, who should have recorded this as her debut single)

Most of all, the album should include a cover of the charmingly titled 'I'd Rather Jack', a hit (well, in the UK, unless you call number 46 in Oz a 'hit') for the very lovely Reynolds Girls. Before you get too excited, 'Jack' was allegedly slang for a certain type of house music, so they aren;t suggesting any lewd conduct. However, with lyrics like "AM, FM, all that jazz / We'd rather sing along with Yazz" and "I'd rather jack / Than Fleetwood Mac", its an absolute craptacular classic.

The video is a joy too, so I'm presenting it now in all its glory Hopefully, the YDs can now learn HOW IT'S DONE. I think some advice from the lovely scouse lasses on hair and outfits might not go astray either. They were sixteen when this vid was made, but the haircuts make them look forty. Genius!

1. Has anyone noticed the Bobby Flynn 'magic' actually consists of sounding rather a lot like Sting? I googled 'Bobby Flynn Sting' before I posted this, and it doesn't seem to be widely acknowledged. I mean, he's the best of a banal bunch, but let's not pretend he's Mr Versatility.

2. Kyle Sandilands (for whom my disdain is clearly stated - scroll down on that page a bit) has risen in my estimation somewhat. His comments are frequently spot on, and often quite constructive. Mark's even having the odd moment of clarity,although his constant excuse making for that wretched budgerigar is driving me nuts. She's not the only one who plays her guitar, and she's not the only one who's sixteen! As for Marcia, the sooner she gets embalmed and they get Deni to dub her contributions the better, honeychile.

3. I would like to dub Chris Murphy 'Pie Jesu' as an alternative to 'Fat Jesus'. He looks to finally be toast this week, given that he managed to be even duller than all the other adult contemporary dreck on offer. I don't care if it's acoustic, a boring dirge is still a boring dirge.

4. Ricky Muscat could go too. I'll be surprised if they aren't both bottom three.

5. I must reluctantly admit that Damien Leith was the exception this week. I absolutely adore 'Wicked Game', so he was potentially skating on thin ice. However, his vocals were mostly sublime and he managed to vary his version from the original a bit without wrecking it. Probably the only 'touchdown' this year that I'd actually pay.

6. The quality of the women on this year's Idull does seem exceptionally low. Lisa needs to actually be caught in headlights rather than just looking like she is. Jess is adorable and I heart her oh-so-cute comments about how her voice is her instrument and how its nice to see the others getting to use instruments because that's what they like doing, but she needs to find something in her repertoire besides inspirational power ballads.

7. I hereby predict a Bobby/Dean final, but stand by my call that Dean, like Anthony Callea, Millsy and Lee Harding, will fail to translate his popularity with the younger female audience into the wider popularity that actually sees someone crowned winner. The older demographic is tuning in now (Idull made it to 1.9M viewers last week) and has the power of non pre-paid mobile plans to ensure a win for the non-teen idol finalist.

8. That said, Bobby could actually be in danger this week. If he's gonna go at any stage prior to the final it's likely to be after he does something mediocre but not poor enough to get slammed for.

9. I defer to Christian on the topic of Ricky Muscat: I want to do him.

10. Acoustic night was the worst episode of Idull I've ever endured. What show do these fuckers think they're on? YOU AREN'T HERE TO BE SERIOUS MUSICIANS! The whole singer-songwriter could seriously throw out my predictions for the final... so I'll adjust my predictions after Tuesday's 'Up Close and Personal' thingamajig.

And in case you missed it, here's the moment that exemplifies why Idull this year is a travesty of Lindsay-Lohan-gone-blonde proportions:

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Upon listening to Dear Euphoria, as recommended by the always reliable (but somewhat Nordically biased) rheiner, I came to wondering how songs by the Aussie 'band' Euphoria (later to become AK Soul and Elastic - does anyone else remember 'Caution to the Wind'??) might sound as indie torch ballads.

Imagine these lyrics sung wistfully:

You know I needed to have my sayDon't need no life full of dissarrayThis love of ours we can partakeAin't no such thing as a small heartacheYou're the one, it feels so rightI'm lifted to a brand new heightYou're the one, it's only youAnd this is what I'm gonna doYou're the one, it feels so rightI'm lifted to a brand new heightYou're the one, it's only youAnd this is what I'm gonna doI wanna, I wanna love you rightI wanna, I wanna love you rightI wanna, I wanna love you rightI wanna, I wanna love you rightTrouble you knowI'm in too deepMy yearning for your body has just increasedSo hold me now, baby, right till the endPleasure from the flesh, must be godsendYou're the one, it feels so rightI'm lifted to a brand new heightYou're the one, it's only youAnd this is what I'm gonna doYou're the one, it feels so rightI'm lifted to a brand new heightYou're the one, it's only youAnd this is what I'm gonna do

I wanna, I wanna love you rightI wanna, I wanna love you rightI wanna, I wanna love you rightI wanna, I wanna love you right

Yes folks, its a pop song to heartfelt ballad conversion opportunity just waiting for someone brave enough to tackle it. Perhaps I should wack an email off to Bobby Flynn in time for 'Australian Made' night?

Ew. I just used the words 'wack', 'off' and 'Bobby Flynn' in a sentence...

Monday, October 02, 2006

Another one bites the dust

"Sing with me, sing for the yearsSing for the laughter and sing for the tearsSing with me, if its just for todayMaybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away"

And so, Australian Idol claims another victim of the ironic song choice variety.

Sadly, Mutto, as much as he has been treading water for weeks, was actually pretty good this week. I was hoping against hope for a second week running that the person who got voted off would be the pretty media darling (Lisa this week, Dean last week) and not the more obvious candidate for eviction.

Still, next week is Disco, which should prove a tad troublesome for Lisa. In keeping with the tradition of the last few weeks, I'm hoping she gets voted off after butchering 'I Will Survive'.

Actually, what odds does anyone want to give me on her doing a Cake-esque version of that song??

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Late Night Intellectuals

For those who aren't regularly up and watching television after midnight, it might be news that every commercial network now airs a late night quiz show where people make expensive phonecalls to get an opportunity to answer lame questions and win amounts of money between $50 and $1000 odd.

It all started with Big Brother Up Late, which needed something for people to watch when housemates were asleep. This then became The Up Late Gameshow with Simon "Hotdogs" Deering (BB05 housemate - the one who got busted getting a blowjob in public).

The other networks were slow to respond to this money grabbing manipulation of a ratings-irrelevant viewing period, but since the end of this year's Big Brother Up Late (which presumably dominates the ratings at that hour), they have introduced Quizmania (on Nein) and Midnight Zoo (Seven).

Anyway, I don't need to go into detail about how bad they are, especially since someone else has already done it, but I thought I'd share a special moment from Quizmania.

The challenge was to come up with words that go with the word 'High' to form a composite word, or phrase."So what's your answer?" asks the host.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Thought for the day

From an MSN Messenger chat:[Anon friend] says:I prefer Madonna, but admire Kylie so much following her cancer stuff etc...[Me] says:Meh. She got sick, how is that an achievement? Madonna got crucified and you don't hear her complaining.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Another travesty

Besides a few tribute albums and the inevitable dance versions, most of Madonna's back catalogue remains relatively 'uncovered'. Teenage fanclub did a cool version of 'Like a Virgin' and there was of course Kelly Osbourne's version of 'Papa Don't Preach' (which, to be honest, I didn't think was all that awful).

Still, a high profile cover of a Madonna song was inevitable. The film Material Girls starring the sisters Duff has been touted for ages now, as has the version of 'Material Girl' that would be its theme song. Apparently it is no longer to be a single, however, and just as well.

The weirdest part of this crime against faggotry is that the song is produced by Timbaland. What the fuck was he thinking slapping a cheesy beat left over from Brandy's last album to vocals that the sisters seemingly phoned in while at the manicurist?

It will come as no surprise that this version lacks any of the sluttish charm of the original, but the fact that it has even less sass than the Tamperer's deliberately deadpan interpolation of the song on 'If You Buy This Record Your Life Will Be Better' is really rather remarkable.