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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Your best pick up lines decoded

Photo:anonymous source

There you are, sitting with your friends, minding your own business, talking about how much you love your long island iced tea in your hand, when a man appears, singles you out and says something along the lines of: "Is your dad in jail? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes."

That's when your friends all stare at him in amazement because he had the audacity to interrupt all of them, your friends; mistake number one. Until realizing he's serious, they also stare in amazement over the fact that he had the decency to linger awkwardly while everyone laughs for a moment.

There are many one liners out there that don't work. By many, I mean most. Something triggers most men to leave their usual casual self at the hour of 7:00 p.m. and retrieve him again the next morning. For whatever reason men use these pompous lines—insecurity, arrogance, making friends laugh—they should be retired.

"You have beautiful eyes, you know?"

This line doesn't work because, well, it's a dark room and all a girl is going to hear is bullsh*t. There is no way you can see her hazel but in this light generic brown—black—eyes, nor are they standing out in any astonishing way for you to use that as a way to sweep her off her feet. It’s apparent you’re trying to compliment something, but this is pretentious. Compliment something everyone knows you can see, like her amazing capability to stand after six Blue Moon’s and two shots of tequila.

Him.

“Did it hurt?”

You.

“Uh, what hurt?”

Him.

“When you fell from heaven?”

Since when is a bar a religious shrine for the devout? No, this never works. The only thing it worked in is that 90s movie She's All That; wait, they cut that line. Don’t even go out if that’s all you got and if you must make an appearance, stay put in a dark corner of the room and sip your milk because that’s all you deserve.

Using ostentatious lines that don't work doesn't stop there. Other lines such as:

"Hey, it's your lucky day because of all the girls in this bar, I chose you talk to you!"

Excuse me, your arrogance is showing; making it a point that you can walk into a bar and have your pick because according to you, you're the best damn thing in there, really makes you look like a peach. Not. If you're a smart girl, let him buy you a drink, then go to the “bathroom.”

"Can I get your number?"

Wait, don't you want her name first? Unless you're working on some sort of class project consisting of the comparison of different area codes and numbers, do yourself a favor and never use this as a pick up line. It’s guaranteed you just got the number to the local dry cleaners.

"I love that shirt; it really shows off your features."

What features? Please, further your exploits you complimenting catch you.

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?"

The only thing a girl believes in at this point is assault on account of her middle finger. Yeah, walk by again but do this great theatrical reenactment by the exit.

“My mom told me I had to kiss a beautiful girl at midnight.”

Is your mom here? Because it's apparent she buttoned your pants after you went to the bathroom then wiped your face with a hanky after you spilled your juice box. No girl wants to hear anything about your mom on the first meet especially when it involves trying to romantically capture someone. The only thing you will be getting at midnight is the longing look of Dick Clark as the ball drops. Happy new year idiot.

The realization that the only pick up lines that do work such as, “Hi, my name is Joe, how are you this evening,” comes after many failed attempts at the previously mentioned. Unless you’re one of those lucky guys who were born with the capability to have women eat words out of the palms of your hands, you have work to do.

I firmly believe pick-up lines are a poor replacement for the fine art of conversation, an ability that is truly, horribly dying off in our super-fast age of everything-now-right-now-I-said-now. Relationships -however fleeting, superficial, or wanton they are (or we want them to be) -still involve some level of connecting on various levels, and that can really only be achieved via... talking and listening. Mon Dieu! That's what separates the boys from the men.