Monthly Archives: January 2012

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She’s real boredand she lives in a monochromatic version of KansasHer last name is GaleThis is what is known as foreshadowingbecause pretty much immediately this storm starts happeningas storms tend to do in Kansasit rips up all the animals and kills her familyand then tears her house out of the ground and throws witches at it until it crashesand then Dorothy wakes up and walks outside into a TECHNICOLOR WONDERLANDthis wonderland is full of midgetsand Dorothy has inadvertently murdered an old womanwhose shoes she is encouraged to stealand this is all pretty disconcertingso she asks the midgets if they know how to get back to Kansasand they’re like OH SUREJUST WALK ON THIS ROAD MADE OUT OF YELLOW BRICKSand Dorothy is like oh well that’s convenientdoes it lead back to Kansas?and they’re like NOPEIT LEADS TO A HUGE EMERALD CASTLEOWNED BY A SHADY-ASS WIZARDWHO WILL PROBABLY FIGURE OUT SOME WAY TO TELEPORT YOU HOME OR SOMETHINGSORRYTHAT IS THE BEST WE’VE GOTWE ARE A COMMUNITY OF BLUE MIDGETS WITH A GOVERNMENT THAT INCLUDES A LOLLIPOP GUILDWE ARE NOT EXPERT CIVIL ENGINEERS

so since she pretty much has no other optionDorothy sucks it up and starts walking down this crazy roadoh, also there is a good witch that blesses her or something?whateveranyway, pretty soon she runs into this scarecrowwho is REALLY BAD AT GIVING DIRECTIONSand also can talkand is severely depressed because he has no brainalthough how is that possibleand alsoHOLY SHIT A TALKING SCARECROWjesusanyway he agrees to come with Dorothy to see the wizardbecause if the wizard has teleportation powershe probably also has brain-transplanting powersso they walk for a whileand the conversation kinda drags a little because heyno brain

so they keep walking and pretty soon they run into this robotthe robot is rusted real badso he can’t move basically at allbut there’s some oil nearbywhich they apply to the robotand then the robot wakes up like HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN UNSPEAKABLE HELLI WAS THERE FOR LIKE 11 MILLION YEARSAN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS IS ENOUGH TO COMPLETELY DEVOUR ALL OF A MAN’S COMPASSIONAND I’M NOT EVEN A MANI DIDN’T HAVE COMPASSION TO BEGIN WITHSO NOW I HAVE LIKENEGATIVE COMPASSIONI EXIST ONLY AS AN INSTRUMENT OF PURE UNBLINKING HATREDI AM A TOOL OF A COLD STEEL SATAN IN A TITANIUM HELLand Dorothy is like holy shit dudeyou better come with us and see if the wizard can give you a heart or somethingand the tin man is like GOODI DEVOUR HEARTS

so they roll outand pretty soon they are passing through some spooky woodsand BAMhere comes a lionexcept bam is not a sound lions makemore like GRUUUUARGHexcept more like OH SHIT I AM ACTUALLY REALLY AFRAID RIGHT NOWWWWWWbecause this is no ordinary lionthis is a lion with PTSDi mean if you think about itlions see some pretty fucked up shitsometimes the lions are the ones DOING the fucked up shitwhich is probably even worseso this lion is a shell-shocked wreckhe basically lunges into the clearing just in time to start pissing himselfand Dorothea is like uh ok ewwumwe’re going to a wizard?maybe he can give you some balls?and the lion is like I WILL GO WHEREVER YOU SAY JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME

so now dorothea’s rolling along with a lobotomy patient, a sociopath and a lionand also some jerk witch has been fucking with them this whole timelike setting them on fire and laughing her dumb witch laugh and peering at them through her crystal ball like that evil chick from Power Rangersuntil finally she just says fuck itand just kidnaps everyone with flying monkeysor maybe she steals something later in the story and they have to go get it?I forgetthe book and the movie are wildly different on this pointand then someone wrote another book that was likedespicable pro-witch propaganda or some shitfurther confusing the pointwhich isthat Dorothea straight handles with witchby like filling up a bathtub but then fucking up while she’s filling itand accidentally splashing water on the witchbecause I guess she’s working for the witch or something?and then the witch meltsbecause apparently she is made of cotton candywhich i suppose is a point in favor of her not being evilbut also raises the question:HOW DID SHE LIVE THIS LONG????1) Water is literally EVERYWHERE2) Cotton candy is DELICIOUSbut anyway she’s dead nowwe can get back to the story

SO THEY GET BACK ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROADand pretty soon they are in this big field full of poppieswhich are famous for their super delicious opiumand they are like wading through these poppiesand just getting SO FUCKED UPexcept just Dorothea and the lionthe Tin man and the scarecrow are constructs with no soulplus they party harder than pretty much any living creatureso they are more or less unfazedand they end up getting saddled with the task of dragging Dorothea’s sweet zonked-out ass to safetyAND THEN THEY GET TO THAT EMERALD PLACE

so the emerald city is pretty sweetit’s got like rainbow horses and more midgets and expert hair stylistsand alsoTHIS WIZARD THEY’VE BEEN LOOKING FORbut it turns out this wizard is just a giant green head projected on some crystalsso basically like Zordon from the power rangersin fact I’m pretty sure this story is just a cover of the power rangersbut anyway then it turns out he’s not even THATlike, he’s being all snarky with his giant headand then they run up and break his crystals and shitand it turns out he’s just some balding motherfucker in a sound boothpulling levers and shooting out flares and yelling about how great he isand they’re like aww mantalk about disappointingand the guy is like no, no, no it’s totally cool guysI can definitely solve all your problemsyouScarecrow:you are a scarecrowyou are not supposed to have a brainthat would be weirdand in factthe fact that you walked all the way hereand are capable of making any semblance of conversationis pretty remarkable/terrifying on its ownso I think you’re coming out ahead of the gameand youLion:DRUG THERAPY!and youTin Man:you are a horrifying monstrosity of modern engineeringuhyou can kill all my midgetsI’m about to skip out of town anywayon this hot air balloon I havewhich I guess solves Dorothea’s problembecause we are about to totally balloon our way out of this technicolor crazyland

so they get on the balloonor ratherthe dude gets on the balloonbut he sucks at balloonsso Dorothea gets totally left behindand she’s like aw fucknow whatand the midgets(at least the ones the tin man has not already destroyed)are like HEY REMEMBER THAT GOOD FAIRY WITCH FROM THE BEGINNINGYOU SHOULD ASK HERand so the good witch appearsand Dorothea is like sup witchand the witch is like hey so remember those shoes you stole way back at the beginningthose are teleport shoesthey will teleport you to your houseand Dorothea is like SERIOUSLY?YOU’RE TELLING ME I BUSTED MY ASS FOR LIKE WEEKSMELTED A WITCHGOT FUCKED UP ON OPIUM AND SET ON FIRE AND MOLESTED BY MONKEYSTO SHOW UP AT A DRUNK WIZARD’S HOUSE AND WATCH HIM DESERT ME IN A HOT AIR BALLOONALL SO THAT YOU COULD SHOW UP AT THE LAST MINUTEWITH YOUR FANCY PRANCY HOOP SKIRTAND TELL ME THE POWER WAS INSIDE MY FUCKING SHOES THIS WHOLE TIME?WHAT IF MY SHOES BROKEWHAT IF I TRADED THEM IN FOR MORE COMFORTABLE SHOESTHESE ARE HIGH HEELSMADE OF RUBIESMY FEET ARE BASICALLY JUST GIANT BLISTERS AT THIS POINTokaywhateverI’m going homeand then she doesand her family is probably still deadbut at least she got to get fucked up on opium

so the moral of the storyis before you set off on any epic and dangerous journeysprobably check your shoes

Hey guys
I know I have been slacking recently on site maintenance stuff
like specifically
I have not updated the smorgasbord in FOREVER
I have been busy getting laid or sleeping or something
look the point is that I will update that thing soon
like, TOMORROW

but so anyway
this gently vibrating pile of crazy comes courtesy of fierce culinary Majordomo
Col. Freddy “Eviscerlicious” Cannonfried
it is about uh
well
yes.

So there’s this farmer
his life is pretty okay
pretty standard farmer’s life
except for one problem
this guy’s dick don’t work
he cannot have kids FOR THE LIFE OF HIM
and every time he goes into town to buy shit or sell shit
all the other farmers are like HEY
IT’S SERGEANT DICK-DON’T-WORK REPORTING FOR DUTY
HEY SERGEANT
HEARD YOUR SERVICE RIFLE MIGHT BE A LITTLE FLOPPY
EH?
GET IT?
CAUSE YOUR DICK DON’T WORK?
SEE, BY SERVICE RIFLE WE MEANT YOUR PENIS
and obviously sergeant dick-don’t-work gets sick of this shit pretty fast

so one day he arrives home after a barrage of this shit
and he’s like OKAY
I AM GOING TO HAVE A KID
I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT KIND OF KID
IT COULD BE A HEDGEHOG FOR ALL I CARE
and the NEXT FUCKING DAY his wife is pregnant
and then nine months later she gives birth to a fucking HEDGEHOG MINOTAUR
by which i mean a half-hedgehog half-human
everyone is pretty freaked out by the baby obviously
especially the mom
who just had to push this spiny monstrosity out her babyhole
and she’s like what did you do, husband?
how many times do I have to tell you
WE LIVE IN FAIRYTALE LANDSTUPID WISHES LIKE THAT COME TRUE ON A REGULAR BASIS
and sgt dick-don’t-work is like no honey it’s fine
we’ll just get him baptized and then hide him behind our stove for 8 years
SO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO

so after 8 years of being stashed behind a cast iron box that shits fire
this hedgehog is pretty tough
also magical
so it is no suprise when he suddenly asks his father for bagpipes
wait, what?
first of all
what?
and second of all
I thought this was a german fairytale
what are bagpipes doing in here?
but anyway he says that if his dad buys him some bagpipes
and also puts horseshoes on this rooster he apparently owns
he will ride away on the rooster and never come back
and his dad is like NICE
WE WERE TOTALLY THINKING ABOUT USING THAT SPACE BEHIND THE STOVE FOR STORAGE
HERE’S AN INSTRUMENT AND SOME WEIRD HORSESHOES
NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

so the hedgehog dude gets the fuck out of the house
actually he is named Hans-My-Hedgehog
because apparently that is the ONLY NAME HE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE BY LAW
they can’t just call him hedgehog
or mittens
no, no
ONLY THE NAME WITH ALL THE HYPHENS
but fuck that
this dude will be referred to as SONIC

so Sonic goes into the woods
with some pigs and some donkeys
and he flies up into a tree with his rooster
and he just sits down
and stares at those pigs and donkeys
FOR SEVERAL YEARS
until they all start fucking and breeding more pigs and donkeys
and meanwhile some local king gets lost in the woods
and he hears some beautiful bagpipe music
and he finds Sonic sitting pretty up in his tree
and he’s like HELLO MAGICAL HEDGEHOG MUSIC MAN
and Sonic is like YO, CROWN DUDE
and the king is like I WONDER IF YOU COULD DIRECT ME TO MY CASTLE
and Sonic is like yeah sure
i know where all that kind of shit is
but it’s gonna cost you
I want a written agreement
that says I get whatever greets you first when you get home
and the king is like hahaha what a douchebag
hedgehogs can’t read
so he says oh yeah, sure man
I totally agree to that
lemme just write it down right here…
and he just writes TITS TITS TITS TITS TITS all over the piece of paper
and signs it
and Sonic leads him home and he feels pretty good about himself
then his daughter turns out to be the first person/thing to greet him
PREDICTABLY
and he’s like haha that hedgehog guy wanted to bang you
but I TOTALLY tricked him and now it’s fine
TOTALLY FINE FOREVER

MEANWHILE
Sonic is back in his tree
playing the bagpipes and watching pigs fuck
classy times all around
when ANOTHER king comes stumbling into his woods
WOODS:
CAN’T FIND YOUR KING?PROBABLY HE JUST SUCKS AT HIKING
and this other king sees Sonic and he’s like WHOA
CRAZY HEDGEHOG MUSIC GUY
and the whole scenario plays out almost exactly like before
except instead of trying to screw over sonic
the king just flat out agrees to the terms
and is really cool about the whole thing
even when it turns out he’s gonna have to marry his daughter
to a furry

but so several weeks pass
and at this point Sonic has so many pigs that they have FILLED THE ENTIRE FOREST
YEAH
LOTS
so he takes them all and he herds them all to his dad’s house
like
all eight billion pigs
and he’s like HEY DAD
COME SLAUGHTER THIS CLUSTERFUCK OF PIGS WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS
I HAVE RETURNED HOME
and his dad is like how about you return to my ballsack
oh shit I didn’t mean that to sound weird
I meant I wish you’d never been born
and Sonic is like hey dad
that’s totally cool
we all have our problems in life
your dick don’t work
I am a magic talking hedgehog child
let’s put our differences behind us like adults
and then you can go about putting horseshoes on my rooster again
and then once you do that
you don’t have to see me ever again if you don’t want
and his dad is like NIIIICE.

so then Sonic goes around to collect his booty
and he shows up at King 1’s place
but the king has ordered all his guards to just kill Sonic on sight
because the king is the type of king who likes to hoard sexy daughters
and a mutant hedgehog suitor kind of throws a wrench in that plan
but Sonic just runs REALLY FAST or something
and then flies his rooster up to the king’s window like YO
GIRL OR DEATH
and the king is like OKAY FINE TAKE THE GIRL JUST PLEASE DON’T HURT ME
so Sonic takes the girl
flies away on his rooster
then when they get a couple miles away
he proceeds to STRIP HER NAKED AND STAB HER WITH HIS SPINES
like THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING THE DAUGHTER OF A TOTAL JERK
then he leaves her in the middle of nowhere
and goes to the palace of King 2

so King 2
like i said
is WAYYY less of a jerk than king 1
he told all his guys to open the doors for Sonic
and give him food and whatnot
and also marry him to the princess
even though no one but Sonic is happy about this
but whatever
the wedding happens anyway
out of a perverted sense of duty or something
and the chick is totally freaked out by the SHARP SPIKES ALL OVER SONIC’S BODY
but it’s okay
because what he does
is before they do the nasty on their wedding night
he just RIPS OFF HIS SKIN
HAS FOUR DUDES THROW IT INTO A FIRE
AND THEN HE TURNS HUMAN
WAIT
WHY DID HE NOT DO THIS BEFORE
DID HE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THIS OR IS THIS A NEW THING
WHAT THE FUCK SONIC
I USED TO GET MY LIFE ADVICE FROM YOU ON THE TELEVISION

so then he’s human suddenly
but also his skin is TOTALLY BLACK
and the king is like oh shit
if there’s one thing worse than my daughter marrying a hedgehog
it’s her marrying a BLACK MAN
so he sends for all his physicians
and they use doctor magic to turn him white
and then he and his wife live happily ever after
and he even comes by his dad’s house once to totally show off his sexy new face
and his dad is actually pleased
and for the first time ever
he is happy that he has a son

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is if you ever go walking in the woods
bring a compass
anyone you ask for directions is going to end up marrying your daughter
then tearing off his own face and setting it on fire
happy trails!