11.03.2012

shattered days **i wrote this the second monday in oct** {and yes i woke up tues am fantastic. go figure}

some days i am fragile.

today it's mostly caused by sleep deprivation, hormones that i can't control & forget to take into account. & school stress...i don't know if everybody has shattered days or if it is just me. (i used to have them rarely, on a small scale. as in my version of "shattered" meant "my heart is a little bruised and i maybe could cry if i tried." ha.ha. funny, you old locked up unfeeling heart self) well. then i went through the whole depression thing last fall- march. jan-april 15 was especially the worst season of my entire life to date. which is ridiculous, because life was grand and really? after all the awful things i've walked through in others' lives? for some reason i fall apart when it's peachy keen. go figure. anway. i told myself every.single.day "you'll get through, this is no big deal it just *feels* like a big deal". i barely made it. i literally focused on getting through day-to-day life. i kinda view april 15 as my day of deliverance. its not that everything was magically transformed. but it was the first day in months where i felt rays of light *inside*. not just fighting to see it. not just believing it existed whether i ever saw it or not. not just counting blessings desperatlly praying God would help me be truly grateful for it all. but a little bit got inside me. like carbonated soda, all sparkly & bubbly. and while i had some horrid days after...it was a steadily growing joy & peace & trust & belief that God poured until june when i suddenly realized i was actually ok. actually going to make it--not in a "oh i know i will b.c God's got me tho i don't see how" but as in "hot damn i LOVE life!! hell yes i'ma make it, and i'ma enjoy this crazy tragic wonderful ride!"ramblish much iiiiiiiick. anyway. today was a shattered day. which are now pretty intense compared to the old shattered days.
translation:

today my heart is like a champagne flute that got accidently shoved into the tomato soup can box, tossed in the back of a pickup, and driven down blackstill lake road at 55mph. {broken glass everywhere}

surprise surprise.
it's not all tulips & music & bubbles, kids. which i knew--i just hadn't been THiS bad since june so i kinda freaked out a little. got me a little helpless, a little desperate. totally revealed how i've gotten back into "i'm all good now, thanks God for having my back but i think i got this now yeah?" oohh please. no, little tiny stubborn child--you always need Him.

also. perspective:

i'm a new creation in Christ. NEW. NOW. (if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...2 cor 5.17)
buut. i am also still in process, still being made. (are being transformed from one degree of glory to another...2 cor 3.18)

the darkest most awfullest time of my life brought me closer to Jesus in a way few things (there have been equal seasons) have. He changed me. i was so. very desperate for Him...that it was like transformation on steroids. i was a Phoenix i felt i was burning & dying--but Christ resurrected a new bird with functioning wings and better coulours. i feel like a different person. no--like the person God wanted me to be was covered up with my scribblings-dirt-cracked heart before. but now it's me--who He made me, deeper so. without less of my fakeness & dirt covering. truer brighter cleaner.

all that to say, this being-made-new process isn't over til the day i die. so there might be some pretty shattering awful seasons ahead. i like to think i'll never ever go back to january.
but i might.
hence the loveliness that God really does turn all things for good. if i go through another personal hell, then He's gonna be working intensely in me again. i think anyway. maybe not.
thats not my hope. fruit isn't my hope, beauty from ashes isn't my hope, becoming a better person isnt' my hope. they all may functino ok for a while...but ultimately?
HE (himself) is my HOPE.

" i am trying, & will be trying every day for the rest of my life, to look for lovely in the simplest places & grandest moments. but i'm not always succeeding. i'm that guy on the football team who rarely catches a pass, but the team still likes him because he shows up for practice every day. "