This is about an unexpected journey through fertility struggles and miscarriage loss, and now motherhood... If you are on this journey too or know someone who is, I hope you find some comfort or familiarity here.

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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Yesterday I got to see you at a scan! We are at 30 weeks (31 in two days!). It is amazing to think that the countdown is in single digits!

We think we may have a name for you. We are not totally sure, but we have two options in the running. Hopefully one of them will work out for you. It'll be helpful to give you a name, or I might keep calling you 'The Kid' when you arrive, like I have been.

The other night you were squirming around so much that we could see you from the outside! It made me realise how big you are getting and how I will get to meet you soon. Your dad has been able to see that too, and feel you moving, which has been very special.

We have done many things together. We went swimming for the first time the other day. We've also recently been to Rotorua, Nelson, Tirau, etc. (We also accidently walked out the supermarket with some unpaid plastic Easter egg shells that got left in the trolley, that I need to go back and pay for before they post us on some, 'Have you seen this woman?' part of a crime show. Oops.)

We watched the Royal Wedding, which was pretty exciting. Kate's dress was awesome. Though I'm nervous about having a kid that will become a young man, but we'll deal with that when we get there.

I'm trying to be good and eat healthy, but the other day it was my birthday so we did indulge in a few lavish treats around that time.

(me with ice-cream!)

(my friend kp made red velvet cake. beautiful & yum.)

It was also Easter, which made it harder to resist some of the temptations. We got you measured and you seem to be of good size, and not a big (diabetic) baby, so we are okay for now. I have been trying though.

It is crazy to think that the ultrasound could also estimate your weight. It looks like you are about somewhere over 3 pounds now. Which means you probably will still double in size! It already feels pretty tight in there.

Anyway. I'm thankful for your strong and healthy heartbeat. You also seem to be growing nice long limbs. Plus we got a glimpse of you poking your tongue out (maybe?)...

In the meantime we are trying to make space for you, so I hope we will be prepared when you arrive! We have been attending ante-natal classes with other women carrying babies in their fish-bowl-like tummies so maybe you will have friends? We'll see...

Just seems unreal that we have gotten to this stage. At 32 weeks I can deliver you at North Shore Hospital (as opposed to Auckland Hospital where there is specialist care), but of course we want you to 'marinate' for longer.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

(avoid conversation with this woman! she often doesn't know what to say and cries easily! haha.)

When we were at the wedding in Nelson a couple weekends ago, this was a question that came up a few times. I've asked it myself and I really don't mind it as it is just a part of conversation, as what they are actually asking is, "Do you have any other kids?"

But it caught me by surprise when it was asked of me! Because I know the simple answer is 'Yes'. And yet the more correct answer is 'No'. And yet I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, because they really weren't asking for my life-story.

Then again I'm someone who likes meaningful conversation, so I find myself torn and hesitating for a split second, which I'm sure seems weird if you were the 'asker' as you'd think it'd be a pretty easy one!

Anyway. I usually just answer a polite yes, so that the whole group conversation can move on... but last night, I got a little bold.

I was at someone's house and I got talking with one woman. Maybe because it was a one-to-one conversation and we already knew her husband a little, I'm not sure... so when she asked me, "Is this your first baby?", I decided to take the plunge and I said, "Well, you know, this is actually not my first pregnancy, but yes it is the first baby that has come this far along and we're stoked!"

I wasn't sure where this was going to take us but I trust that this was God thing because then we went on to have a conversation about infertility. She shared with me that they have gone through infertility themselves, have not been able to get pregnant, and are currently living life as two.

We didn't get to chat for very long, but it was a major connection point (had to blink back tears), and I appreciate that she opened up. It is a tough topic to be talking about with someone you just met! On my end of course it is always special to share with someone like her that I'm pregnant, as she understands how huge of a miracle it is too.

I'm not sure where I was heading with this post! But I guess I was thinking, sometimes it is worth the risk being vulnerable as you never know, you might find someone who's been on a similar path too! (And it is kinda like a painfully special scar you share.)

Ok maybe not the best title for this post because I'm supposed to be keeping my sweet-tooth at bay for now. But is has been a nice Saturday so far, so... here I am!

Thought I'd better try and write a little something before I go and lie down.

1. TODAY- Feeling pretty proud of myself today. Got a few errands done this morning including going to the bank and getting a few gifts... including spending a Christmas voucher I got given- all for me! I got a necklace that has a pocket watch on the end. Kinda fun huh? It is a pretty brassy/gold old-look necklace, where the face cover pops open and the watch actually works! (Thanks C!)

(there it is!)

2. DISCOVERY- Yesterday I met a friend for coffee and I thought I'd be sneaky and try and check out a shop just beforehand, as I was early... BUT I can no longer walk quickly, so was a couple minutes late haha! The baby in my belly is starting to get a little prominent, so I struggled to get to the cafe on time! The things you learn. (And my shopping stamina has definitely waned...)

3. 28- This week we're at 28 weeks. Next week I'm turning 29 and I'll be in my 29th week! Fun huh? Just a little random fact for you.

4. PREP- Preparing for the baby has been good fun, though there still seems to be so many little things to think about... I keep putting some off but I'm realising I can't do that for too long haha. We attended our first ante natal class this week. Who knew we'd be sitting in a roomful of pregnant couples, us included? It is definitely weird to be 'on the other side' of where I was at, yet being still the very same person.

5. HMMM... It is interesting that like most other IF-ers, all I thought about for the last few years was how to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and it is hard to transition to thinking, "uh oh... how will I get this baby out?"...

6. BRAIN- So I have lost quite a few brain cells. I used to be such an unbeliever of 'baby brain' but I've had to eat my words. I still maintain that this is only funny because I am 'normally' pretty 'with it'... but we'll see!

Here's a list of things I've done:
- opened the fridge and found a packet of half-eaten girl-guide cookies in there (no we don't store it in there)
- similarly, opened the fridge and found my big soya sauce bottle next to the milk (what was it doing there!)
- offered my husband a glass of water then proceeded to search for the glasses (I've lived here four years people)
- stood in the shower and could not remember if I'd already shampooed my hair or not!
- looked at the hand my friend held out to me, with his palm facing up, as we were agreeing on something, then SHOOK IT instead of slapping it (like a lo-five kinda thing). Oh that was bad, and didn't realise what I'd done til after!
- lost stuff (and I never lose stuff!)

so anyway... much more to say but I'm fading here at 3:30pm haha... took a photo of my new necklace but can't find the file from the webcam ugh. LATER!

Every Friday morning it feels like I try to squish in as many things as I can because it is my one morning where I can- I work from 2pm. Then again, because it is a later start, I also like to take my time... so it turns out to be a bit of a funny mixture of things.

(love breakfast! do you?)

So here I am, did laundry, caught up on some emails, some Facebook stuff, read some blogs I follow and hope to write a quick post. Then I hope to get ready, eat and do a bit of mall-walking (just a bit of 'me time', plus I need more stretchy pants for winter, for work, ugh) and then off to work. I'm terrible at getting things done quickly so this is quite a feat.

It is April! I like April because it is birthday month! WOOHOO. And it helps that it is Easter.. PLUS you get a break too. Also, it is not too cold just yet and the sun is still around, which is just fab.

The only sad thing is that I can't be having too many treats, like hot-cross buns and easter eggs this time because I need to watch my diet. Grrr. I officially don't have gestational diabetes (very thankful cos' my mom had it) but I'm a 'borderline' case so I do have to be careful. Not cool. Oh well. Small thing really for a good cause. Sugar-free chocolate, anyone?

I've been a bit out of action because last weekend we got to go away- to Nelson. A lovely beach town in the South Island for a wedding. It was a beautiful and special wedding, and we felt very fortunate to be able to celebrate it with our friends. Yay.

(us at wedding)

(view from the top! nelson is beautiful!)

It has also been a big week because a dear friend just had her baby! She has been a special friend too because she was one of the first couple people I knew who was dealing with infertility too, and it helped SO MUCH to have someone to talk to about it all. Haven't got to see them yet but I hope to soon!

Ok. Bit of a random post. That's me for now...

**1:30pm now. I did not make it out the door early. Posted on blog, did couple things then decided it was all too much effort and I was too tired. haha... so I had a big NAP instead. At noon! Oh gosh. **

Hello!

This blog started as a 'friend' for those going through infertility and miscarriage- and an outlet for me too. We have since been blessed with a pregnancy that went to full-term- a son! Now, I blog about all of the above, but in random spurts. Keep wishing I was better at this, but this is where I'm at...

Group!

Together with my church, we've started a small prayer network/group for those dealing with infertility and/or pregnancy loss... The desire is that it can be a way to connect with others on a similar path, and offer an encouraging and safe place to express your joy and pain in the process. We're on the North Shore of Auckland, but we're open to connecting with others too. If you or someone you know may be interested please do let me know! (Leave a comment somewhere about it or send an email to write.sas@gmail.com)