I am sorry to hear about your struggles with bulimia and I completely understand. I had the same issues with night time hunger and giving in to them. I looked forward to the time everyone went to bed. I'd stay up, watch tv, and eat. My intentions were always to just have a snack. However, it always turned into feelings of guilt, remorse, self-hating, etc... I felt as though I'd already blown it so I might as well really blow it knowing that I was going to purge it all anyway. I'd go to bed feeling defeated and depressed, but I'd repeat the same behavior night after night. This went on for years and years. I developed severe GERD and eventually was diagnosed with Barett's Esophagus which scared the crap out of me. The fear of esophageal cancer was eventually enough to get me to stop purging, but the binge eating continued until I reach my maximum weight of 371 pounds. I hated myself and who I had become. I had finally become the morbidly obese person that I saw myself as for years.
I don't want to cross any boundaries or offend anyone here, but I need to share what changed and probably save my life. My wife and I got together in the spring of 2009. She had a strong faith in the Lord and she showed me unconditional love like I'd never felt from someone else before. Over time I was saved and learned to let go and let God. It was a process for sure. Not trying to control and manipulate situations and people anymore gave me freedom like I never knew. I eventually realized that I wasn't a bad person and in time learned to like myself. So there I was morbidly obese, but I actually liked myself for the first time in my life. Liking myself has allowed me to love others like I never could before. There is so much more that went into my mental and spiritual transformation that I really can't put into words. I know for me looking back it has been nothing short of a miracle by the grace of God.
I just wanted to put all this out there so that you wouldn't feel so alone and to give you hope for change. There are many things available to help with eating disorders. I had and still have counseling. It's not easy and is most definitely a process, but there is hope. You can do it and it all has to start with change. Make yourself go to bed when everyone else does so you don't have to fight that fight every night. Stop beating yourself up and know that you're going to come out of this. Owning it and wanting to change is a huge step. You're obviously a caring person given your profession. I'm sure that you bless many people through the care of people through your work as well as in your family. I pray that you find peace within yourself and conquer this! I'm proud of you for putting this out there. I know it wasn't easy to do. God Bless You!

I truly don't know what I would have done without TTF and the wonderful people that are willing to share their knowledge and experiences. I knew two people prior to my surgery who'd had wls. One had the sleeve and the other rny. I don't know what either of their goal weights were/are, but I'm certain neither one is within 40 pounds of it. My bariatric team is pretty much non-existent in my journey. None of them were wls patients, they're nearly impossible to get a hold of, and I put more stock in the feedback I get here than they would give me anyway. I know staying grounded and plugged in to TTF is going to be instrumental to my future success in achieving and maintaining my weight goals. Thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart!

Thanks for this @Res Ipsa! Very keen insight to the wls journey. I think failure is everyone's greatest fear. I love how you talked about daily weight checks and using the rny as a tool to get/stay in the 5 pound range you speak of. I pray I'm able to stay in tune with my body and use the tool I've been given to maintain a healthy weight and enjoy life. I want to be harder for people to describe to someone else. I don't want them to be able to say "you know, that BIG guy" (or worse) when trying to describe me to someone else. Failure is not an option! Thanks again!
Thank you for your true confession @msmarymac! I'm glad it scared you and that you are getting control back. Fear can be a good thing. I think it's so important to hear this kind of truth. It's kind of like growing up as a kid. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I'd taken the time to really listen to what some of my elders had to say about their life lessons and apply them to mine. Definitely easier said than done, but something to strive for. I like to think I'm more teachable than I was in my youth.

Okay, here it is! This is not something I have shared with anyone else, but I know I can here and you all can relate. I was in the shower yesterday and was marveling at how easy it is for me to wash my "nether regions" now! It was quite the chore at times in my little shower. Hallelujah!!!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how awful it feels to suffer from GERD. Before my rny I had severe GERD that led to Barrett's Esophagus and was on 4 pills a day for it. I also had a hiatal hernia that they fixed during my rny. I feel blessed that I am off all medication for GERD and have no change to the Barrett's Esophagus. I hope they get things taken care of so you get some relief.

The biggest difference to me is that now I have a tool to use that I never did before to help control my weight. Even if I were to get off track a bit I can only eat so much at a time and can't do the damage that I could before wls. People use the 5-day pouch test plan to get back on track if they have strayed as well. Going into this I decided I was tired of living to eat and needed to learn to eat to live. It does come down to discipline and how bad a person wants it in the end, but I'm so thankful that I had the surgery and I have a confidence with my new tool that I never had before. Make a list of pro's and con's maybe and ask yourself what your priorities are and what you'd like them to be. Best of luck to you.

@GaryinJacksonville I am most definitely a man! I know my frequency and flow deteriorated for the first few months. I'd say now my flow is back to normal and frequency is totally based on how well I've done with my liquid intake. Concentrate on increasing your liquids and hang in there, I'm fairly certain it will improve for you soon.
I also agree that 55 pounds in the first 2 months is great. Cut back on the carbs, focus on getting the recommended protein, and increase your water intake and I think you'll see the weight come off. Good luck!