On becoming an artist.. Im working on it alone.. The alone part is always the hard part.. Never ever anything other then alone.. it sucks...

I love the Hitler Parodies-I love the acting... The expression... -----------------------------------------------------

This has been a very hard psych week... I have dropped away and switched into another personality... I am now slowly coming back... I was another personality this morning in my therapists office.. That didn't go so well... However, I was able to learn more about hidden memories... ---------------------------------------------------

My mind is broken into halves.. to different people.. my mind is weak.. very very broken. Very weak.. its hard to participate in any activities for very long.. I dissociate into myself , into my world.. Im learning to except this... My mind is very very weak.. it brakes ... the outside world is to much information... I need a protected world to live in. I was thrown away at an early age. That is all I remember. I am lucky to be alive.. Yet, that is not enough... Im hoping that at some point that will be enough. That knowing Im still alive is all that I will need to be happy... -----------------------------------------------------On being alone

I never wanted it. I just wanted friends.. People that loved me for who I am... I found that I was fooling myself and everyone around me... I found myself in the palaces of the rich... I never questioned it... They thought I was part of it... I was a part of it because I was present... I was never one of them... Who did they think was fooling who.... I found myself in a nest of black widows.. they laughed with me, smiled with me, and wanted to make me one of there own.. Until I fell and could not get up... stranded, I looked back at them... They stood in silence and looked back at me... Talking among themselves, they asked the question... "Who is this... he has fallen... He is not one of us.. We have 8 legs... We do not fall..." One of them whispered to the other " he is not one of us", let us poison him and kill him..." And another " get him out of here, he is not one of us".... over the months and years I was slowly shunned and hated out of those places.. I was not of the financially wealthy.. I was not of the same kind.. not according to those people. There for I was takn , never to be seen again.... I never knew.... I don't attract those kind of swindlers anymore... As my self, an authentic human being, I was despised as if a leper..

Innocence is killed by these kind of people. The family system means nothing... the money and the family system is of one identity.... I was not allowed to be part of that.... I was thrown away... My childhood or innocence had no value... I had no value... I still have value to no one...

Its sanity to value people for who they are...

When one is rich or of a rich financial community, and the financial prosperity idea is of greater value then the family structural ideal, One does not have to be sane.. One does not have to have ethics.. its not needed. What are the consequences?, their are no consequences... One can get drunk, be rich and act out any way they choose... "Im OK, Your OK.. " this is the motto of those not in need... I didn't know one needed to have a bag of money to qualify before coming through the door.. I thought I was good enough being me.... How naive could I have been... I never knew.. I never knew I was living in the tent of the black widow...

They know I have something to say. That is why they spend 90% of the time talking about the missed spelled words.

When I have something to say, how fast they interrupt me to play the role of acknowledger or disqualifer, as if I was talking to them personally.. I am never able to get the original idea on the table..

The evil is protected... That is the state of the world. That which is valued is coveted.. It is not children that are protected, it is evil...