Hello and welcome to today’s edition of A Slice Of Soap. There’s still time to enter the caption competitionso get scribbling. What’s going on in soapland this week? Let’s find out…

EastEnders w/e Friday February 13

It looks like a Bad Girl is joining EastEnders as a bad girl. Sharon Duncan-Brewster, who played Crystal Gordon in ITV’s now-axed prison drama, will take on the role of Trina Johnson, Lucas Johnson’s (Don Gilet) estranged wife. She will turn up in Albert Square unannounced, much to the shock of Lucas who is now engaged to Denise. However, Trina isn’t ready to let her husband go. All I can say to the people of Walford is: lock up your bunny rabbits!

This week, Biancaaaaaaaah’s set to reveal to Ricky that he could be the father of her daughter Tiffany. Minty’s shocked to discover that Garry’s received a job offer; is his mate about to leave Walford? Minty insults Heather about her appearance – errrrrr, pot. Kettle. Black, Minty! Garry’s desperate to secure his future with Dawn and decides to take control of the situation. Shirley and Heather go on a mission to find George Michael’s house and stumble across a few problems along the way (errrr, like George Michael’s restraining order against stalkers, perhaps?).

Whitney meets Todd who’s working with Ricky at the car lot. Todd takes Whitney on a date, but it’s all too emotional for her. Heather and Shirley take a good look around George Michael’s garden and Heather takes a memento from the rubbish bin (a bit of spliff? Just a joke). Ricky and Bianca go looking for Whitney after she deserts Todd. Garry’s still not turned up; how long can Minty cover for him at the Arches with Phil? Heather meets a man and all the locals find this funny as Shirley’s booked an escort… Garry’s still missing and the police have some important news on his whereabouts for Minty.

Also on EastEnders this week:Heather and Shirley have a night out at R&RGarry’s trying to cope with his rejection from DawnDawn meets a model scout

Hollyoaks w/e Friday 13

Is Gemma Bissix heading back to this show? She didn’t make much of an impression on Dancing On Ice, but she hasn’t ruled out a return to soapland. Question is, in which soap and as which character? Man-eating Clare Bates in EastEnders or professional gold-digging super-bitch Clare Devine in Hollyoaks? Hollywoodoaks, the soap with all the beautiful people, will soon resemble Coronation Street, the soap with all the pregnant women and new fathers (cos they’re all having babies on’t cobbles, aren’t they?). This Thursday, the Mcqueens come up with an idea for their latest scam. The story goes that Teen Tearaway Theresa comes up with a bright idea of using false pregnant bellies as shoplifting devices.

In an episode of Hollyoaks that would even get Dragon’s Den’s Theo Paphitis excited, Jacqui takes Teen Tearaway Theresa under her wing; it’s not long before they start putting the false pregnancy bump shoplifting device into mass production, with all the Mcqueen girls heading out for a huge spree on the local stores. So, soapsters, if you want to have a good laugh, tune in. Back to the rest of the week’s action and Carmel’s running a Valentine’s Day promotion at Evissa aimed at getting the men in for a bit of pampering. Nancy and Ravi are getting on surprisingly well in spite of their respective infidelities.

Calvin’s had enough of just getting by and is itching for another dodgy deal. Spencer’s hassling Warren to spend time with him. Dom’s ill and Loretta’s worried about him. Spencer’s trying to write Sasha a Valentine’s card and Warren’s keen to help out. Rhys convinces Justin that buying Leila a Valentine’s card and expensive chocolates is a waste of money. Dom is desperate to do something particularly special for Loretta.

Also on Hollyoaks this week:Theresa’s having no fun working for CarmelSasha goes to see Warren Kris worries about his secret affair with Nancy and Ravi

Coronation Street w/e Friday 13

Hey guys, wasn’t Coronation Street absolutely brilliant last week? And wasn’t it just great seeing Tony ‘JR’ Gordon on his knees and crying his eyes out when Carla left him? That was just excellently done – the way it was filmed, the acting, everything. I just love it when a soap villain gets his comeuppance…But the drama continues this week as our friendly neighbourhood psycho goes into meltdown and really starts to lose the plot. Things will take a strange twist as he meets Maria at the cemetery on the anniversary of Liam’s death. What has the evil businessman got in mind? If you believe the reports in the press, we’re all gonna be really surprised, or in my case, shocked and a bit sickened, about the direction that Tony and Maria’s relationship will take in the next few weeks…you’ve been warned (it can’t be true! It can’t be!).

The factory girls are concerned when they arrive to find Underworld locked up and no sign of Tony and Carla. Gary and Tina have an awkward exchange over the garden fence (why is she even talking to that waste of space?). Martha presents Ken with a beautiful gift, but will he come clean about Deirdre? I’m sorry, but I’m still not interested in this storyline yet. Everyone’s concerned about Carla, and Leanne’s starting to wonder if Tony’s hurt her. It’s the anniversary of Liam and Maria’s wedding and she heads for the cemetery to visit his grave. Tony turns up and surprises her. Steve McDonald’s planning a pre Valentine’s Day surprise for Becky…but so is Jason. Tony’s in a foul mood and insists that supervisor Julie sack someone by the end of the day. Sally hires Graeme to tidy up her garden but Kevin isn’t happy. Liz is surprised to discover that Steve planned to propose to Becky. ‘Damien’ David’s determined to treat Tina to something nice for her 18th birthday.

Also on Coronation Street this week:Julie’s getting irritated by Kirk’s simplicityKevin’s worried about Sophie’s date with BenNatasha and Steve go on a date

Emmerdale w/e Friday 13

It’s officially the end of an era as Emmerdale says a sad farewell to Jack Sugden, played by the late actor Clive Hornby. The funeral will also see the return of Robert Sugden, played by actor Karl Davies whose character hasn’t been seen in the soap since 2005. However, the black sheep of the Sugden clan doesn’t want to get too close to the action so he watches his father’s funeral unseen from a distance. Speaking about Clive Hornby, Karl Davies recently said: "Everyone who worked with Clive loved him to pieces and I think this is a fitting tribute by a show that he gave 28 years to. We’ll all miss him very much." And so will we here at A Slice of Soap…farewell Jack and farewell Clive.

Diane returns to the village with Annie, who regrets that her arrival coincides with such a sad event. Victoria states that the Sugdens aren’t a proper family anymore. Will everything come together on the day of Jack’s funeral? Chas tells off Paddy for continuing to ignore Marlon. Eli pledges to devote all of his time to supporting Marlon, but will he inadvertently make things worse for his brother? Jack’s hearse leaves the farm and as the cortege heads through Main Street, all of the villagers turn out to pay their respects. Andy’s woken by Diane in a semi-drunken state.

Debbie’s glum when her solicitor advises her to plead guilty and opt for a charge of manslaughter. Andy’s furious to hear that Cain’s going to be living under the same roof as his daughter and discreetly calls the police. Diane’s proud of Andy’s decision to stay, but isn’t looking forward to telling Mick that he can’t have the farm. Marlon’s impressed by Eli’s determination to help Debbie. The Dingles are alarmed to hear that Cain was arrested. Andy’s in a buoyant mood when Diane looks into the possibility of legal help to win his daughter back. Eli tells the police that he wants to change his statement and continues to drop the bombshells with the news about Jasmine and Debbie.

Also on Emmerdale this week:Paddy is in a sour mood ahead of Valentine’s DayAshley and Laurel intensify their search for Jasmine Mick is furious about Lee’s new job

Maxine, Steve & Becky do get together! Jason & Steve both propose she accepts Jason then later calls it off to get with Steve. I think Eastenders have made a huge cock up of the Ronnie & Danielle story, as much as Im dying for her to tell all its kinda boring now. So all the hype that they built up was for nothing & Iv got a sneaky feeling its gonna drag on for weeks yet.

Yeah! She told Stacy (even though it was kind of an accident lol). They\’re dragging it on way too long. Just tell Ronnie Dannielle!!! Ronnie\’s just like regretting giving birth to her only because that evil Archie bloke told her that Amy drowned 😦 Grrr. I don\’t like Archie.