Suicide survivor reaches out to others

Saturday

May 4, 2013 at 7:54 AMMay 4, 2013 at 8:00 AM

A Hagerstown man is urging those contemplating suicide not to let that monster pull them through the door to the dark side.

Denise Bonura

A Hagerstown man is urging those contemplating suicide not to let that monster pull them through the door to the dark side.
James L. Atkisson, 43, is sharing his story of surviving a suicide attempt at age 16 in hopes of saving the lives of others.
“One in 25 teenagers will attempt suicide, and their parents won’t even know it,” Atkisson said. “We lose a veteran every 65 minutes to suicide.”
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released its Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report this week that indicates more people now die from suicide than car accidents. In 2010, there were 38,364 suicide deaths reported versus 33,687 deaths from motor vehicle crashes. The statistics also indicate there was a sharp increase in the suicide rate among middle-aged Americans, particularly white men and women.
Atkisson has written three books about his suicide attempt, and the regret he felt the moment he pulled the trigger of a rifle pointed at his own chest. His first-person accounts of depression, horror, pain, faith and survival are outlined in: “When an Angel Intervenes,” written under the pen name Christian Price; “After I Pulled the Trigger: Surviving Suicide’s Lie by Clinging to Hope’s Truth,” and “A Change of Heart: From Suicide to Life,” under his given name.
Suicidal thoughts
Atkisson said he grew up in an abusive home in rural Virginia where he was hit and called names. His depression started in his early teen years, and grew to the point where he lost all value for his life.
“I started to have an obsession with death. I imagined flying away and leaving my troubles behind,” he recalled. “Death was a means to an end for me.”
The lanky 140-pound boy started cutting his arms in a cry for help that never came. He attempted to take his own life a few times with no success, and in 1985 really started planning his death.
“It’s one thing to have a suicidal thought. It’s another thing to actually do it,” he said.
Atkisson lost all motivation in life, and allowed his grades to drop. He knew a bad report card would anger his father. So, the afternoon of Friday, Jan. 24, 1986, Atkisson dressed in a long-sleeved white button-down shirt, a tie and sport coat.
“I found that suicide steals dignity,” he said. “So, I dressed in a suit and tie because I wanted to look good when they found me.”
He wrote a suicide note before grabbing a .22-caliber rifle, climbing out his bedroom window and heading into the woods. No one knew where he was going, and only his 9-year-old brother and grandfather were home at the time.
In the woods
As Atkisson was headed out the window, he spotted a small Bible and grabbed it on impulse. He wrestled with doubt for an hour, trying to get up enough courage to pull the trigger.
“I said, ‘Dear God, send an angel to save me,’” Atkisson painfully recalled. “I pointed the rifle to the left of my sternum, and the gun went off. I learned the value between life and death, and I wanted my life back before the gun even went off.
“When it went off, it felt like I was hit in the chest with a sledgehammer,” he continued. “Once I got my wits about me, I thought I could get up and shake it off. But when I opened my coat, it was filled with blood. I could smell it. And I thought, ‘I’m going to die here.’ At that point I heard a voice tell me, ‘Name a reason to live,’ and at that point I realized that I really wanted to be a dad. I started a battle to get out of the woods and into a field. I couldn’t breathe and it was hard to walk. But, it was almost like something helped to carry me into the open. A voice told me to call for help, and at that moment, my brother got an urgent need to stack firewood. He came out and found me.”
Atkisson recalls waiting for emergency personnel to arrive, and telling a technician in the ambulance that he couldn’t breathe anymore.
“I told her I was going,” he said. “She grabbed my hand and said, ‘No, you’re not!’ and started asking me questions.”
At the hospital, doctors had to fight against the clock and at one point needed to massage his heart to keep him alive. To this day, he has a piece of the bullet lodged near his spine, which causes constant pain and discomfort.
“The surgeon told me he couldn’t remove it completely because it would have paralyzed me,” Atkisson added.
You are not alone
Once Atkisson left the hospital, the abuse stopped for some time in his home. However, he had difficulty sleeping and lost weight from the images that haunted his dreams.
“Every time I closed my eyes, I saw that gun go off,” he said.
He was also treated like a “disturbed, dark, twisted teenager who shot himself, instead of the abused little boy who felt he had no options except death.”
He promised himself if he survived, he would never again try to take his own life.
Several years later he found himself homeless and living in his car in Frederick. Those nagging thoughts began to return, but this time he fought them.
He pulled himself together, got a job and met his future wife, Susan (Hoover) Atkisson. They now have three children — Autumn, 9, Christian, 7, and Beau, 6.
“She has been the perfect person for me,” Atkisson said, noting he suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder.
“Six weeks after we met, we had our first date on Nov. 22, 1999, at my apartment. During dinner, he told me what had happened,” Susan Atkisson recalled. “I was surprised, but I needed to know more to truly understand the situation. Most people hear, ‘I attempted suicide,’ and immediately shut the person down. I desired to hear the whole story. Also, I don’t believe in judging someone for decisions in their past especially when it happened before I knew them. That’s not my job.”
Susan Atkisson said she does a lot of praying, and has to have a lot of patience.
“Post-traumatic stress disorder is not easy to live with, but I made a vow to him before God, and I plan on keeping it,” she said. “The community needs to understand suicide is not a coward’s way out and that any one at any age, any walk of life can be touched and affected by suicide. My advice for people who have family members affected by suicide: be receptive and not dismissive about their struggles with suicide. Be willing to show them you won’t turn your back on them and then follow through. I especially recommend finding a church to help support your family.
“Those in the community wrestling with suicidal thoughts or actions need to know: you are not alone and people are here to help,” she added.
Atkisson said he wants to help prevent others from taking their own lives, and wants them to know they do have a choice. He is available for speaking engagements, and if anyone wishes to contact him just to talk or to order copies of his books, they can email him at:
jlatkisson@gmail.com

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