AS I TOLD THE GIRL THAT I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO, THANKS FOR LAUGHING AT ME HERE TODAY.

About

So how does one start with a blank canvas and sort out what is going to attract people to read this? Do you go for the funny route and try to make you laugh so they want a little more…Do you tell a heart-warming tale that will show a deeper meaning to my life? Let’s go with the funny since there is no deeper meaning here.

My friend Lisa (The Original Hill Street Hooker – TONS more on her later) told me a long time ago (right after she screamed “Hey Tiny Tanks, Lets Go Already!” into the men’s room that I was occupying because apparently her life was too busy to let someone stop to pee) that I was put on this earth for the very sole purpose of making other people laugh at me. My life has proven her point countless times over and I am going to share that with you here. Usually, when people consistently laugh at you, it can have a serious effect on your self-esteem, but not me…You almost get used to it after a while.

I have a propensity to curse really often, and I also have a LOT (I mean a really abnormal amount) of shitting stories, hence the adoration of Imodium AD. It is not an addiction, it is a lifestyle choice. I literally will not leave the house without Imodium in my pocket. I mean, they say your body is your home; would you ever choose NOT to get insurance on your home and just chance it? YOU’D NEVER RISK THAT SO WHY SHOULD I!

Throughout my whole life, the constant support system and the thing that enabled me to accomplish anything has been Imodium. I am not being sarcastic, I’m actually getting a bit nostalgic here. Imodium AD has literally saved my life (and the back of many a pair of my suit pants if you know what I mean). I would never have been able to go to Woodstock in 1994, Study Abroad in London or go on a month and a half tour with my wife across Europe had it not been for Imodium AD. The title of my blog is my open fan letter to the makers – because bestowing upon them the highest honor I can give is the only way I can think of to pay them back for all that they have done for me. My ideal dream is to one day be on the Imodium AD box. Some people want to be on the Wheaties box, but screw that: I wanna do something important!

One would think that by sharing a very personal ambition with you, you would be very gentle and encouraging – but not my wife. I downloaded the testimonial forms from their website and wrote a long love letter thanking the makers of Imodium AD and told her about it (very excited and proud) but her response was: “Are you an idiot? You want to be on the box? What am I going to tell my mother, the man that I married wants to be the face of diarrhea? What does that make me? You want people to look at your face and think of shitting? What is wrong with you?” I say, if they aren’t already…who cares. I could have been internationally known (not throughout the microphone) but, needless to say I didn’t send my testimonial in…so this will have to do. This also isn’t counting the time the actual company that makes Imodium tried to stage and intervention with me.

More to follow, I hope you fulfill Lisa’s prophecy and laugh at me as I tell you about my crazy/funny stories and celebrity stalking adventures. In terms of disclaimers, I will go with the claim that everything you are about to read here is false and the names have all been made up. If I pretend that they’re all fake then I can write what I want about anyone and not have them mad at me. Keep in mind that the majority of these things happen when I’m under the influence and my go-to explanation for most of these things is “of course I was drunk…”

And as I told the girl who I lost my virginity to, “Thanks for laughing at me here today!”

Now on with the show!

***Don’t forget to enter your email address in the box on the left to subscribe and have my email updates automatically sent to you every time something is posted here. Also, friend me on Facebook (Immodium Abuser) and follow me on Twitter @immodiumabuser – BUT FIRST, start by browsing through the categories on the left to read all about the stories I’d like to share with you. If you would like to get in touch with me to say that you like this site, tell me how much you hate it or even send in your own story, drop a line to immodiumabuser (at) yahoo.com.

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496 Comments

Suddenly. I have a profound new appreciation for intestines and the large and small bowel. May your method of “an Immodium a day” keep your readers at play. (And really, may your wife realize great honor in that place wherever we go when we no longer need intestines. Or, you know…shit.)

Hi Tony! Great meeting you at **********this past Thursday when you graciously hosted ************* and had me in stitches so much that I kept checking my mascara to make sure I didn’t look like a crazy person in front of my co-workers! Your blog is hilarious! Glad to connect.

Hi, your homepage made me smile with all the happy shiney people photos but no time/energy to give reading your posts the attention they appear to deserve as yet. Enjoyed your writing style in your ‘About’ page here. you haven’t made me laugh AT you yet, but, I laughed out loud reading your wife’s reaction to your ambition to become the face on the imodium box. I’m not ever so into ‘celebrity’ type stuff but not quite sure what to expect until I drop by again on a better day. Thanks for following one of my blogs today and very nice to meet you at yours. I’ll follow here so as not to miss your next post and quite looking forward to a change from my usual reading. Cheers 🙂

Hey there. Glad to connect. The celebrity stuff is only one part – there’s a long on the about page to the ones I think are funniest: when I was mistaken for a retarded person-twice, baby Jesus, when I assaulted Ton Cruise, my sister shitting on a cat – the famous baby Jesus is a good one too. Definitely come back and read some of those. Let me know what you think!

Funny introduction! I love to laugh, and you gave me the first of the day. A health practitioner ask me recently, “Do you find yourself cursing more often?” And, without missing I beat, I said, “Hell, yeah!”
Glad you found my little corner of the world and thanks for following my blog. Welcome to the fence jumpers. @sheilamgood at Cow Pasture Chronicles

Great to meet you. Check out the link I have for for all my homies to get to know mes. It’s an intro to some of the ones I think are funniest (being mistaken for retarded twice and my famous baby Jesus story!). Glad to connect and looking forward to reading more. 🙂

OMG! Thanks for the follow. I don’t follow that many blogs but you made me laugh out loud because you’re so quirky and weird (I mean this in the nicest way!). You remind me of myself. 🙂 I hope you enjoy reading my posts too, although sometimes I can be too serious.

Just read your intervention post and about died laughing. After hearing many hilarious/disturbing Customer Service Rep stories from my friends, I can only imagine what the lady would have been thinking during the call.

Hilarious! Thanks so much for the follow IA – I hope I provide you with even a third of the amount of entertainment as you seem to provide others 🙂
I’ll be back to read up more about you and your shitty stories!!

Hi IA- Thank you for following my photography blog, Jane’s Lens. I hope you are inspired. Your story is frank and funny– you’re the first scatology focused blog I’ve encountered although I am certain you will cover other topics as I read on!

Thank you for following our blog. Through our photography and words we hope we can help inspire others to follow their dreams and passions. It’s never too early or late to get started on what you would really like to do. Cheers, Wooly and Raeski.

I thought I was the only one with the Imodium stash! I carry a bottle of the pills and a bottle of liquid Imodium with me EVERYWHERE in my purse that I call the Shit Bag. I’ll be following your great blog! Thanks for not making me feel alone with my colon who is an asshole. Ha! I made a funny. Uh-oh. I think I laughed too hard. Where’s my shit bag?

I love it. There are more of s out there. Glad you like it and glad you’re carrying too. I think carrying Imodium with me everywhere is the same thing as not driving my car without insurance. You can do it but is it really worth it?

Read the post called for all my homies to get to know mes. That’s a good laugh

Thanks so much for stopping by and following my blog! I am one of those funny people who isn’t intending to be funny but is trying to be serious. Then I wonder why people are laughing. I do need more intentionally funny people/blogs in my life to cut all the seriousness.

Reading this reminded me how whenever I think of all the far off exotic places I’d like to visit, I imagine all the diarrhea and frightening foreign toilets I’d have to experience, and then I think “Maybe I’ll just read some good travel writing instead, from the comfort of my own familiar bathroom.” I’ve always been a fan of the pink stuff myself. My hubs is an immodium man, though. It has seen him through many a foreign deployment. =)
Thanks for the follow and I look forward to reading your stuff!

if you ever get on the back of the Imodium box, will you be one of those undecipherable chemical additives like triphospherous-crappiminium-carbonate ? I hope not. I’d hate to go out of this world like that….

Thank you for following our little blog. It allowed me to find your excellent blog! Looking forward to your posts! If you have a second, please click this link: http://ctvr.us/sniffseattle. Vote for Sniff Seattle as ‘BEST Pet Sitting.’ Then click the back button and vote us ‘BEST Dog Walker.’ Thanks so much. We appreciate you!

At the bottom of the smashwords page you’ll see a link labeled “View” and other download options for mobile readers under reading formats. Take a look at the story; see if you get hooked. If you like the story, please share with others. This is the only way good things happen today–agents and publishers are of the dinosaur era. They’re slow; they’re frightened; and they’ll eat you if you’re not careful. We’re on our own. I truly believe in this book. If you do, too, share it with someone. Thank you!

so my visit is shamefully overdue and i apologize. i wanted to thank you for your visit to my blog and for following! it means a lot to me. i’ll be sure to be coming back by as I always love a good laugh. 🙂

To be totally honest, when I saw that the name of your blog was the immodium abuser, I wasn’t sure if it was a ‘spam’ blog or not. Taking a deep breath, I clicked on the link and prayed that a virus wouldn’t turn my computer into a wailing donkey. Instead of that I found myself laughing my sorry arse off. You, sir, are a true genius of the written word! 🙂

Thank you for subscribing to my blog. I hope you will enjoy photography in my blog. I encourage you to leave critique if a blog calls for that! It may perfectly well be in the form of some kind of humor of course 😉

Liking your style. Like me, you are able to laugh at adversity. Take me for example – who knew sudden death of spouse could be so amusing? Or Imodium for that matter? Thanks for the follow. I am now following you. (But not too closely behind.)

I’m glad to connect and the cookie was great although I prefer Swedish fish to cookies (Swedish fish is the only seafood I’ll eat). I’m glad you’re enjoying my stuff too. Always great to connect with another twisted mind

When I saw you followed by blog I initially thought you were advertising Imodium, then I visited your page and was incredibly happy you weren’t promoting project awol – what a load of shit that is! – and now I’ve finally looked around a bit I’ve found some funny content 🙂 Cheers!

great to comnect – glad you like it. There are a lot of good posts here, so go slow and tread lightly…some users have been known to ahve sympathy pains for me and start using Imodium AD to help ease through it…Start with the post for all my homies to get to know mes and go from there…

Thanks for “following” my blog. Although, I doubt you’ll have time to read it, as it appears you are following 4000 others, But, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because it sounds like you truly need some help. LOL

Thanks so much for following my blog! I’m looking forward to spending some time with yours. If it is anything like your about page, I’m sure I’m going to like it!
P.s. loved the Beastie boys reference — I am listening to them right now. 🙂

Hi there, Thanks for visiting my blog and following. I like your sense of humour. Like you, I don’t mind laughing at myself; everyone has got to have some humor! Look forward to more entertaining posts!

Hi, immodiumabuser! Thanks for joining my readers — I can’t wait to hear what you can add to the conversation. I have a Friends Page, where my readers leave information about themselves and their blogs — I hope you will feel free to do the same. I also hope to get to your archives, but I’ll get your posts from now on. Welcome!

Thanks for stopping in and following our blog. I can see you’re big on humor and I admit that I like that in a man. Too bad, but it seems the entire female side of your inlaw family has previous dibs on you (wink, wink) so I’ll probably have to move on to less pre-claimed grounds, but before I do, I think I’ll hang around and read some of these stories. There are some good ideas for future surprise attacks here. LOL!

Hi there and thanks for following my new writing blog. I’ve just read some of your stuff and am happy to follow back. We’re taking our 5 year old twins to Disneyworld in June so will look out for the glow stick seller and give him your regards! 🙂 Look forward to reading more of your posts.

Just a note to say thanks for choosing to follow my blog. I hope I can entertain you as much as you have with your “About” post. Oh, and by the way, I never leave home without Immodium either! Or was that TMI?

We might be related. I think we’re gonna be great friends with such similar interests already. There is no such thing as tmi. Start with the post called for all my homies to get to know mes. That’s a good intro

Hey! Thanks so much for following my blog gowithitandlaugh.wordpress. I’ve just scanned your page and can tell you’ll be a source of inspiration to me to be open and honest in my blogs! :-). I’m looking forward to reading more!

As one of my beloved followers, I would like to extend my sincere thanks and gratitude by sharing with you my exciting news of becoming a newly published author! And, of course, I wanted you to be among the very first to get a chance to read the rest of my debut novel, The Legacy of Blood, now available in e-book format.

(No worries if you don’t have a Kindle or other e-reader device, they have free ones to download on your computer. I went on Amazon and downloaded their “Kindle for PC” absolutely free! Love it! Here’s the link if you need it: http://www.amazon.com/gp/kindle/pc/download .)

Again, I want to thank you kindly for all the support. And you never know, as some of my followers have told me, you could say you’ve had a big hand in helping make Shelby Westland a household name! 😛

I never had to take immodium. However, when the time comes, I imagine this particular blog may be the first thing that comes to mind. Entertained, I am. Thanks for following my blog, brother. I hope you get as much enjoyment out of it as I have with yours. Regards -fn

Thank you for stopping by my site and deciding to follow… I’m wondering which one made you click. I do get the Imodium attraction – for years my stomach would give out when in stressful situations – I became a bathroom connoisseur. Best ~ HuntMode

Go for it man – that’s the great thing about blogs. The people who are interested will find you. Thank you for finding me and following me, I truly appreciate it. Last time I used Immodium, I was set for three or four days – not sure if that stopped it or I had finally finished for that round.

Wow! And I thought I was full of shit. But maybe that’s just coz the missus keeps telling me I am? I wish I hadn’t laughed at your stories so much coz now I’ve got this slurpy wet feeling out the back, ya know? LOL! Thanks for being in the zone!

Very few blogs I follow, but I’ll book mark your site. Humor is big in my house. Told one of the kids that laughing makes you live longer. So he told a joke and made me laugh. Then he sticks out his hand and says; “I extended your life, now pay me.” I gave him a tip; “Don’t bet on the ponies.”

Hey! Thanks for following my blog. One of my favorite things about blogging is when somebody finds me and then I get to find them. I am now following you, because — I can tell already — this is some funny sh*t. I look forward to reading more.

When I was in India, I went to a place called ‘Sarnath’, famous for the sermon by Buddha man. I was staying in cheap & nasty joint called ‘The Shanti [peace] Guest house. I was travelling with Scot & at the guest house I met this Belgium fellow. So off went to Sarnath, belgium man said he knew the ropes & said let’s eat from one those street stalls. I am partial to the samosa so i bought three. So back at Shanti, my Jack was heard groaning in the room next door, shitting & vomiting all night, poor Jack I thought. The next night it was my turn. Belgium got it as well. Seven days and seven nights like the Bible, we were shitting like there was no tomorrows. Immodium couldn’t stop this dam burst. I thought I had gone to God, maybe I had……………………

THANKS for subscribing to my “pun-ny” photoblog! I hope I can bring you a smile (or at least a groan) every weekday. Considering the (hilarious) title of your blog I might be afraid of making you LAUGH too hard! 🙂 –John R.

Haha no nooo you’re not THAT crazy, at least from my point of view since I’m a little nutty myself. You remind me about how Advil (I know, not quite the same as Immodium AD) used to be my best friend until I realized that I probably shouldn’t rely on Advil. haha

thanks for following me @ thedogwalkersandiego.wordpress.com! i have an offbeat sense of humor, but i believe you have me beat. this is a different kind of blog, which is refreshing. i am a huge fan of walking your own path! is it live or is it memorex?

Lots of White Rice…I saw a ten pound bag of white rice on the counter that my wife had bought the other day and thought it was an early birthday present…She said “that’s for projects with the kids” “I was like there’s ten pounds there – I can’t have any of it?” It’s not right I tell ya…

First, thanks for visiting The Climax Papers. Hope you enjoyed the material. Human 2.0 just started and things start to heat up for David Mars. Posts will now come once a week, usually Sunday morning. OK. So your site is nuts and I mean that in a postive way. You have a way of decentering a person’s sensibilities. I’ll have to peruse more.

Hi IA. Thanks for visiting and following my blog. I’ve never knowingly encountered anyone who was a devotee of Immodium, but I suppose we all have our vices (mine is Visine – I go through cups of that stuff in the course of a year to counteract the pack-a-day-mickey-of-whisky-at-midnight-insomniac-esque red eye that results from all the time I spend on the computer). You seem to have a very warped sense of humour. I was laughing even while mortified and horrified at what I was reading. It takes a special sort of talent to produce a reaction like that in people. 🙂

Thanks for the follow (actually, just realized that is the proper etiquette for blogging on WP. Oops!) Can’t even stand how funny your “About” is. My friend and I call ourselves “poop friends.” She will love your story. I plan on passing it along to her. There are more of us closet poopers out there than you know!

Thanks for following me! Bet you didn’t know I have Crohn’s Disease and can sympathize with your addiction to Immodium! Do you have some sort of disorder like IBS or IBD? Haven’t had time to read all your stories yet, but you bet I will. Glad you found me so I could find you!

For years, I carried around pepto in my purse (I can still follow your blog right?) “just in case” so I feel like I’ve found a kindred spirit! Can’t wait to read more and thanks for following mine (Creative Writing or Bust).

Hey! Thank You for checking out my blog! I like yours! Lol. I love heart-warming, sappy stuff but I also love funny/sarcastic stuff! I’m extremely easily amused!! ;-D. And shit stories are just my thing! Real or not! Lol. I tell a lot of jokes to my mom and sister, often involving shit and they get so grossed out and yell at me and I just laugh! :-p

Because of you, I Googled something like “Immodium + abuse” and now am well-versed jn the use of Immodium to help opiate addiction withdrawal symptoms. Apparently Immodium is an Opioid (NOT AN OPIATE!!!) AGONIST (NOT AN ANTAGONIST) and it helps stop the runs (duh) and the shakes (really?) when you’re coming off of oxycodone or other Rx nasties. So thank you for that.

I’m just loving your blog. I thought I was the only one with nether end problems — good to know I’m in the community! Thanks for stopping by my blog. One of these days, I shall put up a post on bladder troubles!

Oh my gosh, thank you for following my blog! I could not believe what I was reading here because I too am a fan of Immodium and would be terrified of leaving my apartment without it (IBS sufferer over here!)! You are hilarious and I will keep reading for sure 🙂

How could I not check out someone who followed me with a name like that? And me, the Bathroom Queen since I was a kid. (Seriously, I have Crohn’s, but if someone had named me Shitstain I would not have been amused. Well, not at first, anyway.)

I’m a new fan! Please thank David Sedaris for bringing us together. I look forward to perusing the archives and getting caught up on all your misadventures. And I totally get what you’re saying about immodium…we all need our insurance policies…for you it’s intestinal, for me, it’s follicular…I never go anywhere without a tube of John Frieda’s Frizz-Ease Secret Weapon; one never knows when one might have a frizzy hair emergency and it is best to be prepared.

Thanks for the love, I appreciate it. If I do say so myself, there is some funny stuff on here so let me know what you think…If I had more than a few stray stands on my head, I too would worry about frizz!

Oh My God Hooker!!! Yes, your destiny IS to make people laugh–my days at P.M. wouldn’t have been bearable if you hadn’t been there to make me laugh everyday! This is awesome that you are writing your stories–because they are hilARious!

Your face on the Immodium box. Priceless. You should’ve sent the letter 😉

Well, I knew you had talent I just didn’t know how much. Keep it up and you’ll most probably be published or even more before you know it. I’m posting your link in my facebook so be ready for a lot of traffic. Looking forward to more of your insanity, we really need more like you these days. I’m really glad your writing!

this is great! lisa is right: immodium abuser is one of the most entertaining people
that i know! he’s always got a story…and an outrageous story at that, but it’s not only
the countless stories that make you laugh; it’s the delivery!

immodium abuser, i could literally hear you talking when reading this blog: that’s the sign of a great piece of writing! keep it coming. i was laughing out loud at 6am…and i already knew this about you!

I am very excited to see the creation on the Immodiumabuser Blog. No one can tell a story like my friend the immodium abuser and the fact that I have been front and center for many of them throughout our college years – well that was a special gift in and of itself! So if one ever doubts what he may claim to be true – Immodium Abuser I have your back! Oh and one other thing – I ask of you oh Immodium Abuser – please go easy on me and the stories involving myself…it was a long time ago in a far away land that many have long since forgotten!
Your #1 FAN,
Woody Tinkerbell