Dec 5, 2006

joke of the day

10. Botched Ark Opening - (aka. The undetectable curtain string) Any ark opening delay whatsoever triggers the entire congregation to respond with the "It's on the other side!" scream coupled with some gabbai flailing hand gestures for further instruction and further humiliation.

9. The Asher Bachar Banu, Asher Nasan Lanu Mix-up - The real reason men close their eyes during aliyos : they are praying they remember which line is first.

8. Walking in During Kedusha - Once you see the tippy-toeing Kadosh-Kadosh-Kadosh it's stop-drop-redlight-greenlight-1--2-3-Freeze mode. You take one step in and you've pretty much forfeited getting an aliyah for the next year.

7. The Mashiv HaRuach Skip - If you are chazan and you skip this, people will react as if you just ate bacon. .

6. Beating Chest during SHABBOS Shemona Esrai - You think you are so cool davening without a siddur on shabbos, that is until you realize you are in the middle of Slach Lanu.

5. Scarfing: When the Only Tallis Left is The Scarf - In an Orthodox shul, the Scarf tallis has the instant ability of making you look like mix between the pope, Amelia Earhart, and someone who has completely no clue of what they are doing.

4. The Delayed Galila: When the torah is taking longer to dress than your wife, you know your in trouble.

3. Mourners' Confusion: You've just began to belt out one of the most emotionally stirring kaddish recitations of your entire mourning period when suddenly half the congregation screams: "EHHHHHHHH AAAAH NNNNNUUU SHHHHH!!!" - which is actually the compassionate way of saying in Hebrew,"Kaddish isn't said now, stupid".

2. Sitting in Someone's Seat - How was I supposed to know it was the Rabbi's seat ?

1. The 1.5 column Hagbah - You know what they say about guys who do small hagbahs...

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About Me

I am a regular Joe with a Yeshiva background. I learned in Telshe Yeshiva, Heichal HaTorah (R' Tzvi Kushelevsky), and a now defunct Halacha Kollel. I have semicha from R' Zalman Nechemia Goldberg and kaballa in Shechita from Dayan Schwartz of Kehillas HaYeraim (Chomas HaKashrus). I have a college degree in Finance from Touro College and am also a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer.
My wife and I, with our 8 children, ben porat yosef (knayna hara), live in Eretz Yisrael.