I mean obviously after a while personality is much more of a priority but the initial attraction has to be there. I won't even approach a girl if I'm not attracted to her for the most part...from there is where they make or break it.

I agree. That's why I said "as long as they are at least cute". If you're going to be boning the same chick for an extended period of time there needs to be some drive there.

Need a new mom? Really? She may be a bit closed-minded but it's her house, her rules. At least that's how I was raised.

Thoughts.

1. You should've asked your mother what sleeping arrangements she was okay with. Too late for that.

2. Your brother slept in different rooms than his fiance and you didn't know this? You did. You should've followed his lead. Too late for that.

3. If you like this girl, apologize to her for this being an issue. Work through it.

4. Be respectful to your mom. Apologize. Follow her rules. If she doesn't want your girl there, deal with it until it warms over.

5. Sadly, no relationship can work on a "its the girl or my mom" basis. Your mom will always be there, and the girl may or may not be. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and sacrifice some of your needs for the happiness of everyone involved until calmer heads prevail.

maybe i'm being cynical (the new mum thing was a joke btw), but if the parent is being controlling and unreasonable why should you just bow down to them? she should be respectful of the fact that her son is 20 years old and not 12.

obviously if she doesn't want you to go to her house with your girlfriend, you don't go, but don't let her in any way effect your relationship with your gf outside of her house. follow the rules in her house, by all means, be respectful. but thats where it ends!!!

it gets to the point where you write her a letter explaining and she doesn't listen? you feel as though you have to ask whether or not you can continue to date your gf? seriously? she's being ridiculous. you can't just let her walk all over you just because shes your mum.

I'm trying to figure out where his mom is trying to control his life. I must be missing details. All I saw was that she was controlling what he did in her house. He violated her rules and now the girl isn't allowed back in the house.

Seems like a rather common reaction from most parents whom have a strict conservative outlook towards their child's sexual activity.

If he keeps an open-mind, respects the rules of the house set by his mother, his trek into full-scale adulthood will take care of itself.

If he pushes back too hard on this (especially considering what he mentioned about the mother v. father dynamic) he could risk burning an emotional bridge with his mother that could be painful.

Pretty sure the mom made all his family hate the girl, and she asked him to break-up with her.

According to what he wrote, he asked his mom if he should break up with her. As far I saw there was no mention of any family hating her.

There's a dynamic here that is none of my business and needs to be sorted out between him and his mom.

You knew your mom had freaked out about having girls over in the past. Yet you were afraid to ask your mom about sleeping arrangements, and you weren't able to sacrifice sex long enough to not cause a family dispute. It's just a couple of days my man.

Also, the dynamic of writing your mom a 3-page letter about your feelings towards this girl, and then your mom allowing her co-workers to read it and interject their own opinion. And then you straight up asked your mom if you should break up with the girl?

I gave my advice, but I'm staying out of any further detail because I feel there is important family stuff far deeper than you getting caught having sex with your girlfriend in your mom's house.

Well I made my mom breakfast, which not only did she refuse to eat, she left the house to go to my grandmothers grave. I went to the grave after her and she proceeded to take the coffee I transfered into a mug on the grave. My aunt got mad at her and realized something was wrong and wanted to know but I am respecting what my mom asked and not telling any of my extended family members.

I talked to her after and she told me to stop sucking up to her it won't change anything. I usually make her breakfast on her birthday and Mother's Day. So I told her that I talked to my girlfriend and let her know that we need to take it slow w my mom and she said she would respect her rules and everything. I didn't tell my girlfriend that my mom found out we had sex in the house bc she doesn't need to know yet, I wanna let it be for a little.

I asked my mom if she wanted me to leave the house because she told me if I can't respect her then I have to. She wouldn't tell me to, but I don't see things getting better anytime soon. She accepted my brother and my gift to go see a play on broadway after saying she didnt want to go w us. She also said she didn't want his gf who he's been dating for 4 yrs in the house either.

I can tell this is her being upset by losing us a bit because we are dating and in more serious relationships. It's upsetting, and I told her I don't expect her to forgive my gf and me, but I hope she does because I want them to be friends.

BaLLin, I understood your mom's initial frustration but now it's time for her to act mature about the situation. Keep taking the high road with your mom and hopefully she gets rid of this negativity towards you and the gf.

Sounds like your mom is holding on, and tightly. This is a problem. You need to slowly ease into her knowing and understanding that you are gonna have a life outside of her. If you keep apologizing and sucking up, it will only continue to enable her behavior.

Sounds like your mom is holding on, and tightly. This is a problem. You need to slowly ease into her knowing and understanding that you are gonna have a life outside of her. If you keep apologizing and sucking up, it will only continue to enable her behavior.

This. It's just rewarding stupid behaviour.

You need to tell her how ridiculous she's being, continue on with your life and wait until she realises this for herself.

Thanks guys, I appreciate your comments. I'm not gunna change anything I'm doing or would normally do. I understand my mom is upset, but am not willing to end my relationship because I really like this girl and don't feel like my mom should determine my relationships. My mom definitely is exhibiting feelings of loneliness and wants to keep herself from feeling that way. I was not right in doing what I did, and I understand that.

Parents are people just like everyone else. They have their own idiosychracies and issues. You and your mother appear to have a bit of a co-dependent dynamic. It is not much different than a relationship I used to have with my own mother. You are getting older and becoming more independent, and your mother is trying to keep the status quo by any means necessary. If it wasn't your having sex in the house, no doubt she would have found another reason to create a problem with you.

I'm not a parent, but I'd imagine it's difficult to let go and realize that your children are growing up and might not need you in the same way anymore. You should understand this, but still maintain your boundaries with your mother. Asking her if you should break up with the girl/move out is not going to help things. Setting and maintaining your boundaries is what needs to happen. Your romantic life is your business. Your interpersonal relationships, provided they do not impact her negatively, are your business. Set that expectation and hold it with your mother. She needs to understand. You might get pushback and additional passive-aggressive response, but you need to stay in a good place and not enable behavior that impacts you negatively.

In the end, you will find yourself more healthy and more happy. Ideally, your mother will also adjust to these norms and find happiness in her childrens' successes. If not, that is really her problem, and you shouldn't allow yourself to get caught up in it.

Finally, you need to have a discussion with your mother about her boundaries and the rules of her home. Come to a mutual understanding of what she expects and how you can peacefully coexist. If she cannot give you specific items or is being unreasonable, my recommendation is to find a place of your own if you have the ability to do so.

Good luck. I've been through a similar situation, though via distance (parents wanted me back in Philly, but I stayed in DC).

thanks guys, well i just kept doing what I was doing. I dedicated myself to not being lazy and cleaned my house, cleaned up my grandpas, and worked as well as shored up some stuff at school. I made it clean that this girl was important to me despite my mom being nasty about it and sure enough she finally allowed the girl to come. Things are looking up.