Funny things I learned about the 2010-2011 Raptors

• Leo and Matt have the chemistry of a Japanese nuclear plant and seawater. Instead of nullifying it, Matt politely spreads Leo's cancerous misery around.

• Alabi is never going to be an NBA player. But if there was a league for sprinting up the court in order to boldly assert his meaninglessness after a change of possession, he'd be an all-star.

• Maybe the grass is 'purpler' on the other side, but the opposition's cheerleaders always seem hotter.

• In terms of overall talent, intuition, effort and experience, Barbosa is our best player. He also looks (and plays) like a really nice guy who you are only slightly surprised to find is stealing women's purses at the mall.

• Bargs (Part I) Takes at least 5 shots a game that have me shouting, "No! Don't shoot that!", followed by "Damn, this guy is so incredibly skilled"(Part II) has the slowest (defensive) reaction time in the league. Something will happen -- a post move by an opponent, a rebound or a loose ball, and he has this pregnant little pause, then reacts. He's a human time delay. (Part III) The counterpunch of "I" followed by "II" invariably make me feel like Charleton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes.

• James Johnson smirks every time he makes a bucket with any degree of difficulty. It makes me want to punch him -- but in a friendly way, because he'd kick my ass otherwise.

• If you took Mr. Ed (the famous TV horse) and fed him six tubs of peanut butter you'd get the same visual effect as P. J. Carlesimo's jaw during an interview. His bits should be sponsored by Big League Chew.

• Sonny Weems, Reggie Evans and Jose Calderon should hire either translators or speech therapists. Add in fellow mumblies Bargs, Barbosa and DeRozan and you have the makings of the least intelligible team in league history.

• Jay Triano doesn't have the respect of his team. Even the mascot avoids him.

• If Dwight Howard starts making action films and needs a stunt double, he should call Joey Dorsey.

• Amir Johnson has the mechanics of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Fortunately, he has his heart, too.

• Julian Wright can't shoot. If I'm ever in front of a firing squad, I hope six of him are pulling the trigger. If there was a World Series of Russian Roulette, he'd win.

Feel free to suggest more

Last edited by Copywryter; Thu Apr 14th, 2011 at 10:41 AM.
Reason: added another one

"Sonny Weems, Reggie Evans and Jose Calderon should hire either translators or speech therapists. Add in fellow mumblies Bargs, Barbosa and DeRozan and you have the makings of the least intelligible team in league history"

some of your points are of funny but this one ^ is just disrespectful.

• Leo and Matt have the chemistry of a Japanese nuclear plant and seawater. Instead of nullifying it, Matt politely spreads Leo's cancerous misery around.

• Alabi is never going to be an NBA player. But if there was a league for sprinting up the court in order to boldly assert his meaninglessness after a change of possession, he'd be an all-star.

• In terms of overall talent, intuition, effort and experience, Barbosa is our best player. He also looks (and plays) like a really nice guy who you are only slightly surprised to find is stealing women's purses at the mall.

• Bargs (Part I) Takes at least 5 shots a game that have me shouting, "No! Don't shoot that!", followed by "Damn, this guy is so incredibly skilled"(Part II)has the slowest (defensive) reaction time in the league. Something will happen -- a post move by an opponent, a rebound or a loose ball, and he has this pregnant little pause, then reacts. He's a human time delay.(Part III) The counterpunch of "I" followed by "II" invariably make me feel like Charleton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes.

• James Johnson smirks every time he makes a bucket with any degree of difficulty. It makes me want to punch him -- but in a friendly way, because he'd kick my ass otherwise.

• If you took Mr. Ed (the famous TV horse) and fed him six tubs of peanut butter you'd get the same visual effect as P. J. Carlesimo's jaw during an interview. His bits should be sponsored by Big League Chew.

• Sonny Weems, Reggie Evans and Jose Calderon should hire either translators or speech therapists. Add in fellow mumblies Bargs, Barbosa and DeRozan and you have the makings of the least intelligible team in league history.

• Jay Triano doesn't have the respect of his team. Even the mascot avoids him.

• If Dwight Howard starts making action films and needs a stunt double, he should call Joey Dorsey.

• Amir Johnson has the mechanics of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Fortunately, he has his heart, too.

• Julian Wright can't shoot. If I'm ever in front of a firing squad, I hope six of him are pulling the trigger. If there was a World Series of Russian Roulette, he'd win.

Feel free to suggest more

Those quotes in bold had me lmao! - man, you got jokes but unfortunately, most of what you said is reasonably true.

"Sonny Weems, Reggie Evans and Jose Calderon should hire either translators or speech therapists. Add in fellow mumblies Bargs, Barbosa and DeRozan and you have the makings of the least intelligible team in league history"

some of your points are kind of funny but this one ^ is just disrespectful. i know on occasion bad things are said on this site aout player but usually never about them personally and i tihnk for the most part posters on here try and stay respectful. unfortunatley there is always some idiot out there, you insult the way our players speak:S and also their inteligence, its pathetic. All of the guys you listed are from country man, of chourse they speak differently. i didint want to call u on this but it just disgusted me. This thread should be edited or removed because it disrespectful you are exactly as your name says a "copywriter".... there have been some bad roll calls this year but this wanna be roll call is the F'n worst buddy.

Hey, bro, you are so sensitive (have a laugh bro! - oh a laugh a day keeps depression and the doctor away . My 2 cents). Copywriter is reasonably right, you would think these millionaires that are basketball players would have learnt to speak decent English after some years in the league (even Serge Ibaka from French-speaking Congo is speaking decent English now and he is not really a millionaire as a second round pick. So how about our millionaire players, you would think they can speak decent English with the money they have? (Even Dirk, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili - international superstars in this league speak good and decent English (fyi, Tony Parker is from France). English is not hard to learn and we all have opportunities in our workplaces where we might need to learn a new language to survive and advance our careers, we have to learn it at all costs. Same analogy should apply to the basketball players then.). My 2 cents.

I laughed. Some it is intentionally in jest. We could use more humour around here.

“I have no idea who Chukwudiebere Maduabum is, but on his Draft Express profile, he’s listed as Chu Chu. I think he’s worthy of picking just for that. He immediately is in the running for best All-Time NBA name.” -Tim W.