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The Internet. Yes I believe it is both. I am not gonna rant and rave above why it arguably is…connecting the world, breaking all geographical boundaries, the source of all information blah blah yackity schmackity! you know all that that. I am gonna tell you why it’s the world’s worst invention.

Have you noticed over the last 10 years or so since the net really took but in general over the last 50 years of history, that fundamental discoveries, especially those in science, art and music have kind of dried up? Now I do not mean that great works and theories are not occuring, what I am referring to is a general loss in our generations ability to solve fundamental questions? Perhaps it’s just me but where have people of the order of magnitude of Einstein, Mozart and Da Vinci gone? Is it that core understandings of the universe have reached a point where there is little left to discover or that art and music is now something that is so well understood that the universe no longer needs priceless works anymore? Somehow I doubt that concept, instead I argue that the ease of information gathering and transfer, coupled with our generations desire to simply see what Google or Wikipedia says about a topic, has rendered us somewhat limited in our problem solving abilities and in general, quite uninterested in really understanding the core of any issue…

I have noticed this very specifically in my day-to-day as a software developer and project manager. As time goes on, each set of new graduates seem to have less and less ability to problem solve without being hand-held. Now obviously I cannot say for sure what is going on, but I have a suspicion, that as children are being introduced to the pc and Internet at an earier and earlier age, their desire to discover with some manual effort and their ability to really understand something is going down the toilet. I mean in the days of the great scientists, one couldn’t just go to google, type something and get back 1.345 million results. No no, one had to figure that shit out, how ever long it took because there simply wasn’t another way….

Now don’t send me examples of all the Noble prize winners over the last 50 years claiming that more has been discovered in the last 50 years than the last 500 years…you need to look at the quality and magnitude for changing life, of that discovery.

The Internet has made us take everything for granted, everything is easy, everything is about the next big thing, quantity without any quality. I mean take twitter for an example, seriously what’s the point?? It’s just facebook statuses which facebook was already doing well so why is facebook as my friend put it “No longer relevant”? To my mind, we are becoming a society where we are losing respect for the basics of life and I blame the Internet.

Most of us love to act. Not for the camera, nor for others. Rather, we act in a way that hopefully makes us believe we are something that we are not. Is this is good thing? I don’t know but is it a necessary evil? I believe so…

Many sources suggest the concepts of “acting as if” until the “if” becomes the reality. It makes sense really…positive thinking, the secret, John Kehoe, all subtle variations of the same thing….believe you can and you will. In order to believe you can, you sometimes need to “act as if”.

I have to admit that realising that someone is doing it and then watching how they act in accordance with those thoughts or feelings does piss me off quite a bit. Why? Well most of the time, it comes across as arrogance for one thing but more importantly it usually seems so insincere. Or perhaps that is just my ego suggesting to me that I hope they fail in their wishes and desires, who knows?

It is most definitely true that we all hope that others fail, even if we are not aware of it consciously or refuse to admit it to ourselves. Only when one delves deep into why the news of a friends success, on occasion, causes a feeling of “wanker” or “they were brought up around money” , does one sit up and take notice of the jealousy, the greed or the sadness. If you say that you are always happy for others’ success, then I say to you that you are lying to yourself and you should spend some time trying to bring those emotions out and correct them, so that you can truelly revil in someone else’s happiness and joy.

Along with the rest of the world, I watched the “We are One” concert last night and my immediate impression was one generally shared by most non-Americans….”Dam these yanks lay it on thick”, “listen to all this feel-good BS”, “America thinks they are important enough to have a world wide concert with every star (mostly black) on the face of the earth promoting democracy, hope and the power of the United States” and on and on and on….

Eventually what I began to think was whether or not I really hated their viewpoints, got irritated with their patriotism, felt dis empowered by their desire to rule the world or…..was I just jealous that I had never felt such feelings of patriotism for my own country.

In truth, I have never known what patriotism feels like, I have never felt a desire to protect and defend my country and its honour and why should I, I live in South Africa.

I have heard my best friend, who grew up in Israel talk about how he would fight for his country, maybe even die for his country. This seems so foreign to me, I argue the point and how stupid patriotism is when in fact, I will I had it.

What a weird feeling to love your country, I am sure the majority of the world would respond to this, What a weird feeling to have no love for your country.

I really really wish I could be where we anticipate we will be within the next 2 years, but the waiting, the planning, the sense of limbo is a serious pain in the ass. Part of me wonders whether my greatest skill, procrastination, has anything to do with the delays, no doubt it does.

So what can one do when part of a purpose has a relatively long duration to maturity? Patience is a virtue isn’t it? Hmmm, perhaps I am without that virtue. In honesty, I have always fallen into the trap of planning for the next before finishing the current. Now that might seem a reasonable way of going through life, if not admirable, but every now and again, I have to ask myself, does that way of thinking come at the cost of not enjoying the moment? not throwing oneself completely and honestly into what one is doing at the time?

I mean if you are always plotting for the future and forgetting that the best plans are the ones you never made (which in my case is absolutely true) then surely hindsight would suggest to fuck the plans and LIVE LIVE LIVE!!

I am both trying and getting better (despite the obvious paradox of trying to be spontaneous). In the last few years I have definitely started to acknowledge that the best things in life are truly free and on top of that I am slowly beginning to enjoy each and every moment and see every step in the work flow, every part of the process, as a journey and not a destination.

As the sugar packed says, life is a journey, not a destination…I try to remember that every day.

Well another year has come and gone and I have to admit, until quite recently, I thought my year had been more successful than it actually was – not from a financial or career perspective but rather from an emotional and sprititual perspective.

In fact, in an earlier post I actually praised myself for my enhanced emotional development that I believe I had spawned over the course of the year, only to realise towards the latter part of the year, that much of my self-prescribed improvements were in fact, merely syntactic sugar and band aid around some far greater characters flaws and deficiencies.

In my short period away from work, I endeavoured to correct some things, re script some paradigms and create an environment which fosters change…My idea was that instead of trying to tackle the problem itself (which I haven’t figured out yet) I would rather change my environmental frustrations as well as take greater charge of the things I have some control over. In other words, I am focusing on my Circle of Influence instead of my Circle of Concern.

Already I have seen vast improvements in my view towards the things which I felt were upsetting me….I was predicating that I did not have a fundamental problem with the specific thing itself but rather the sugar which surrounds much of life….by improving my acceptance of the sugar and also adding sugar to taste I actually feel better and even excited to tackle those things which I believed, only 2 weeks ago, were eating my soul.

Time will be the truest critic of whether or not I have actually made a lasting improvement but I believe I am on the right path again and I am really and honestly looking forward to 2009.

is fucking people!! I hate people, I can’t stand the fucking AIDS orphanes. I am no liberal, I care only for animals. Humans must suffer as a consequence for the suffering they continually perpretuate on the world.

Why must there be people everywhere I turn, why must there be cars, why do they come near me. I don’t care what you think, I don’t care about your insecurities, I don’t like the blackmail, I don’t like.

I am seriously battling for motivation at the moment. The reason I understand but the solution eludes me. I know what I want to do with my life but I can’t find a way to turn it into a profession or at least do something related that won’t mean taking a serious plummet in our finances. I guess this is just the poor dad talking, the dad who is scared of risk, the dad who feels himself falling into his father shoes and spending a long life in the rat race.

I hate those people, I hate those concepts and yet despite my best efforts so far, I am becoming them. It is frustrating and depressing and I don’t know how to get around the bills, the career expectations, the way we have been told it should be done.

I am not that person, I have so many dreams and desires and yet I can’t find a way to live them. Life is hard but I have always said and believed that it shouldn’t be, you are doing something wrong if it is, yet I am completely guilty of failing to listen to my own advice. Human nature is amazing isn’t it.

Well I don’t have any prescriptive advice, nor can I completely say that I have, but closure was obtained. The means was controversial but the result was extraordinary. I went to a John Edwards crossing-over kinda person and ensured that I was as sceptical as possible, even though I am not.

To say that the “coming” was accurate is a complete understatement. Names, places, emotions, histories, events current and past and everything in between reared their presence. It could only have been real and the amazing feeling that I had that I am being watched over was quite something, even for an atheist like me.

Since that day, I am not devastated to visit the graveyard, nor am I unable to reflect deeply on what could have been. The reason for this is that once the physical realisation that they are not actually gone, but merely physically departed, has set in, ones sadness is somewhat subdued due to the knowledge of their presence. In essence, they are still there, not just passively, but actively watching over you.

The replacement on the other hand, is much harder to come to terms with.

Why is always a loaded question. Why assumes there is a why but why must there be. What if you can’t believe without a why. What if you cant understand without a why. And why cant you.

If all reasons, all why’s were obvious and available, there would be no need for and no ability to evolve. Why should drive us, but shouldn’t hinder us. Why should provoke us, but shouldn’t excuse us. Why should not agree with us, but should’t create false illusions.

Group Psychology isn’t entirely what one might expect. If a coke bottle has yellow trousers than what does your ear look like….blink, blink.

Perhaps you should be asking what you know the answer can’t possibly become, so that you couldn’t forgive yourself for knowing less about more when yesterday is greater than the day before. Confused? You should be….

Instead, release the bird from captivity whence it came regardless of Nitrous Oxide.

But you did what was told of you, and now you were told you what was but you.