GISELE LICKS TOM BRADY, ISN’T PREGNANT

Here's some shocking news: Gisele Bundchen denied that she was successfully fertilized by Tom Brady's potent man-seed. You don't say. So apparently every single Internet rumor ISN'T true now? I find that hard to believe. Next thing you'll tell me the tooth fairy isn't real. Well if that's true, then how did this quarter get under my pillow? Answer that one, Holmes.