Friday, November 16, 2012

Recently someone told me that if they were just meeting me,
they would have to just stand there and stare at me for ten minutes before they
even tried to talk to me.They said
there’s just so much to take in.. and then proceeded to list off these various
elements, “your bracelets for starters.That’s five minutes right there.But then you’ve got your hair, which is like…blue.And then you can’t help but notice that you
have freakin plugs in your ears.. which leads to the dreads and beads and
stuff, that’s distracting when you notice it.And uhh, we won’t discuss your clothes, because that would take too
long.. we’ll just assume people are too distracted by everything else to
realize how weird your clothes are.. until you start talking though, cuz then
they probably won’t hear anything you say because by then they’ve noticed your
clothes, and they’re trying to figure
out why you’re so strange…”That speech
dragged on a lot longer when it was taking place.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, for quite a while
actually.I’ve been thinking about my
brain.And in thinking about my brain,
I’ve realized my heart is bad.As in: it
went bad, like gross food or spoiled milk.When I say my heart is bad, I’m not referring to stupid juvenile dating
problems, which seems to be the automatic assumption.

No, I’m talking about a more important relationship.I’m talking about god stuff.. cuz it makes me
uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing.I long to glorify god, like seriously.It’s what I’ve wanted for so long, but never learned how to do it.And it’s stupid that I think I should have to
learn how to praise god, in order to praise god.

That’s a personal issue.A more important problem is that, with some exceptions, unless you know
me reeeeeally well, you don’t know what I believe.You don’t know how simple this is, because
you don’t know that I simply long to know what the truth is so that I can
believe in it.This wish often works
against me, becoming a frustration, and unfortunately I allow it to hinder
me.

What you don’t know is that regardless of this fact, and
regardless of conflicting, stained, and tainted “truths”; I believe in the god
who created the universe, and I believe that he loves me, regardless of the
fact that I am stained, tainted, and broken into worthless pieces.I believe that he loves me even though I have
a heart that has gone bad.

I’m trying to mend my heart, and I’m trying to fix my brain.
I’ve been living in my own personal Neverland, where I never have to grow up..
and now I’m trying to force myself out of my little world, out of my comfort
zone.And that starts with talking about
it.

Thankfully I’m not stupid enough to keep trying alone.We, as humans, are too weak to make any progress alone, I
have to let god in so he can change me.And it’s not easy to just “let someone in”, people say that so often.I don’t know about you, but I get a pretty
typical picture in my head when people start talking like that- and it
tends to be an irritating and overused “poor me” attitude, one I’ve tried
desperately to avoid.
Nonetheless..

People stare at me and make me feel like I’m in a
zoo, or they obviously avoid making eye contact and make me feel like a
medusa.I walk through the
store and don’t know where to look to keep from looking back at the
people.It feels like they look right
inside of me, and that makes me feel like I’m defenseless, naked.Which makes me want to hide more, or just hide behind my appearance in the hope people will
be scared away.Because no matter what
the typical explanation is, the truth is that I don’t like it when people know
who I am or what that means.I don’t
like to be vulnerable, but that’s when I feel safest.My issues are so cyclical.My brain has so many problems.

Obviously, I have to "get over" my selfish little discomforts that come with living in a twisted society. I have to "get over" me, so that god is the focus.

When I'm lost in a crowd of people, I feel so alone..but I can let go of the loneliness because I
know He’s got my back.I don’t feel
alone when He’s around. A good start I think..

So what I’m saying is, I’m trying to be alive.I would dearly like to be set on fire.. so
when peoplelook at me, they don’t just
see a freak.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I found myself randomly standing in the middle of the room,
staring blankly at the wall at the front of the class.It was only after the professor walked
halfway to me and said, “hey, uh…abbey?You feeling ok?..”, that I realized the entire class was staring at me..
Of course, me, the one who sits in the back of the class and speaks as little
as possible, was the one stuck in the middle of the room with an audience
waiting for me to speak. Of course.

I look down at my hand and wonder why I have a fistful of
broken up charcoal sticks.I wander back
over to my desk, only to realize I should have been walking to my easel setup
on the other side of the room.I
pretended to need something in my bag, decided it wasn’t as important as I
thought it was, and walked back across the room while people pretended not to
stare.The art department’s basement is
an old indoor swimming pool, so we have class right over the boarded up pool…and
as you can imagine, old combat boots that are slightly too big make a lot of
noise on hollow wood flooring in a building that has tile walls and ceilings that
are two stories high x)

Then I sit at my easel in my own lovely, perfect corner with
all my charcoal and graphite and brushes and inks and drawing boards.I sit there and stare at the 18x24" paper masking-taped to the board in front of me. A perfect, beautiful, honor-show material, charcoal still life has to cover the page by Friday. I have set up an old telephone, the kind with
a dial and a coil, some yellow flowers, an empty picture frame, and a glass jar
of paint brushes all sitting in folds of fabric.I stare at the paper.And stare. And stare. And stare. And stare…and
stare. And stare. My brain possibly stops..

...and I stare. And stare. And stare. And
stare.Class ends. I keep staring. Stare
stare stare. Stare some more.Stare.Glance at the clock.Oh look, Its six o’clock.. my next class is
starting.

I grab my bag and run across campus to sit down ten minutes
late to a three hour test session.

This weekendI was
sick.I had a very bad fever and slept
all day Saturday, so I wasn’t able to write my final term paper.. which was due
online Sunday at midnight.(read: Monday
afternoon sometime before class and hope the professor doesn’t check before
then)

Sunday my fever was completely gone, but I had somehow
managed to get strep throat.. But I was able to write my paper!And thank God for James, he read my paper,
corrected my mistakes, made lovely suggestions, and repaired my sanity.He’s such an excellent writer.But he’s an even better friend.

The paper was written in first person as an ancient Mayan
sacrifice.It ends abruptly.

After the test, I locked myself in a study room in the
Library’s ever popular coffee shop.I
take an online quiz that I missed a couple weeks ago, don’t remember why.. (oh
yeah, I was at a birthday party)

Soon the dude in the room to the right of me started
blasting crappy synth pop.I can hear
every single un-original word, every single un-original beat through the
paper-thin wall. *sigh*

Then he starts whistling along with that stupid whistle
song.. but he’s not even doing it right xD

I try to block it out and continue my quiz… it’s hard, but I
manage.Until the guy in the room to my
left starts blasting country music.. which is of course, crap.The very first twangs cause me to squirm
uncomfortably, and make me want to cut my ears off and throw them out the
window.It’s just as bad as the
blatantly unwholesome lyrics coming from the right.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

So here's my latest drawing.. this dude is so awesome :]
I drew this from the scene in the Clone Wars right after Fisto's padawan, Nahdar, dies.. This is right before Kit Fisto and General Grievous have it out.

Sunday was a birthday party-ish thing for my pal Ty at Pizza Hut. Finally got to meet some of his other friends.. MY GOSH they are freaking hilarious. I would like to believe they are always that obnoxious.
One of them actually brought his ukelele. This idiot's name is Alek.. I like this guy, SO FUNNY. He walked around Pizza Hut serenading the employees. Alek and Zach sang an impromptu "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", and it was completely wonderful.. I wish I had been able to record it!! I only managed to capture the very last bit.. sad face.
After being obnoxious in PizzaHut, we went to Walmart and played "the Walmart game". Basically hide and seek tag. It was awesome ;)

Waitress: "Can I get you guys anything else?"
Alek: "COCAINE!!"
Waitress: ".....Anything in the realm of possibility?"

I've gotta get back to writing pages and pages of homework on the minute details and differences in Gothic cathedral architecture and sculpture. Stained glass and types of light..turns out there is a difference in types of light.. Different kinds of vaults and arches, structural supports. "The cult of the Virgin Mary" and the concept of the antichrist..... o_o funfun.. I've got 100 bucks with your name on it.. any takers? wink wink nudge nudge.

nah. it's good for me.. dying, however, is not. And that's looking like a possibility this week. I thought I had two weeks until finals.. turns out I was spacing out when that was being discussed, cuz I've only got until Sunday.
Death from a boatload of homework and last minute term paper.. Oh dear its looking like another no-sleep-week, because...

I reallllllllly wanna go to that concert thursday x)

So...... without further procrastination (making tea doesn't count), I shall get back to work like a good little nerd.
...And listen to Showbread's new album, Cancer. Because it is amazing and I completely love Showbread. You know what? if i survive maybe I'll write a whole post about how much I love them xD

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[ about me ]

I'm 374 1/2 years old, I'm fluent in Mandalorian and pig latin, I have curly hair, I'm clumsy, and I need coffee. I like to make things, I'm obsessed with music and art, I'm a vegetarian and a health nut. I am a Star Wars junkie, I love peanut butter, and I'm not a ninja. I'm (admittedly) border-line obsessive compulsive..and partially insane. I dye my hair with Smurf blood. I like movies and books.I like to be proven wrong, and I like unexpected things. I drink tea religiously.

People Say The Weirdest Things...

* (i'm making tea..)Me- "Do you want some tea, dad?"Dad- "sure. And could you put some--" (i cut him off)Me- "No, I'm not putting bourbon in your tea."(it's been a rough day ;) but for the record, he was just going to ask for stevia..)

* Pipsqueak- "dude! I have this awesome cut on my foot!"(she doesn't like to wear shoes.. I'm honestly not sure why the word 'awesome' was applied to a cut on her foot though....)

* (mom is brushing Pipsqueak's very long hair) Pipsqueak- "AHH!!! Mommy! I'm going to grow dreadlocks like Abbey when I'm big so you can't brush my hair!!!!"(come on, I don't have that many..)

* Dad- "I didn't study business or economics in college.. I studied FREAK-ONOMICS"(...we're all freaks here)

* (I was *trying* to concentrate on my homework, and instead drew a stupid little smiley face on Flash's arm...)

Flash- "Umm wow, it looks happy, sad, and angry all at the same time.."

Me- "Hmm.. It must be a girl"

* (mom walks through the room carrying Jambo, who has just made a mess all over himself and desperately needs a bath..)

Someone- "Ewwwww- Jambo's butt is touching your arm!!"

Flash- "I think I'd rather have horse poop on me than, say, jaguar poop... You know, because horses only eat grass and stuff. It'd be like having dirty grass on me instead of poop."

(I honestly have no idea how this thought entered her head... By the way, dad's answer is her new favorite topic of conversation. Unfortunately. Lets put is this way: A really gross way to explain photosynthesis to a toddler)

* Pipsqueak- "Pause your mouth"

(the remote control's operations were explained, and one of them particularly encouraged... It had the reverse effect)

* Pipsqueak- "You shot a cow!"

(not what you think.... It's something from a video game Flash and dad used to play. Something about an African safari hunt or something)

* Pipsqueak- "There's a noodle in my dress!"

(spaghetti is hard to eat for some people.......)

* Pipsqueak- "Oh crap!"

Me- "Oh crap!"

(ouch... I've realized that young children repeat everything. Flash and mom get quite angry at me whenever they hear something like that fly outta her mouth)

* Dad- "I've just decided to change my name to Nick Fury! HAHAHA"

Mom- "I think you should change it to 'Mick Flurry'"

(dad is in a good mood... And mom is craving ice cream)

* Pipsqueak- "Lookn' PaNub"

(heheh. It's from an old SNL skit with Eddy Murphy as Buckwheat from Little Rascals... A short parody of the song "looking for love")

* Mom- "If we lived in a warmer climate we could grow bananas.."

Pipsqueak- "Can Iclimb a tree?!"

Flash- "It's climb a tree day! Woohoo!"

Mom- "Unnnhhhh"

* Flash- "Oh yeah? Well, does your crotch smell like peanut butter?"

(ok. Obviously this one needs an explanation... Flash loves peanut butter, and he mixed some in with his bowl of ice cream one night. Flash is also a very messy eater, and he dumped peanut butter on his pants. Dad teased him. There you go)

* Flash- "I think I have a bug stuck in my braces..."

(wow. Yeah that's Flash)

* Dad's prayer- "......and please protect the ____ family, help them to recover from the earthquake and protect them from other earthquakes, volcanoes erupting,"

-suppressed snorting

"tsunamis,"

-giggles

"hurricanes,"

-laughter

and everything else that goes with living on a volcano..."

(in our family, some jokes die hard... Some even make their way into a prayer occasionally)

* Flash- "Why do you guys like that stuff? It's not music, it's a migraine."

(he was speaking to me and a friend about our like of metal and occasional screamo)

* Flash's modification to the previous quote- "Why are you guys listening to that migraine on a train?! Turn it off!"

(speaking to me, the same friend, and another.. I think I like this one better ;) )

* Pipsqueak- "You can't get me!...... You can't get me!!.... can you?"

(she like to play something like 'tag', problem is, me and Flash can't be bothered chasing her around the house as often as she'd like. So she'll say "can't get me" a couple times and run a few steps while looking over her shoulder, hoping to get us to run after her and tickle her. When we reply with only an unsatisfactory "yep, you're right", or "mmhm", she practically sits on us to give us tempting "head start" in the chase)

* Jambo- "Burp.....Burp.....Burp"

(baby's first words... How charming)

* Pipsqueak- "Peace dude-bathtub!"

(heh. When she was younger I taught her to say 'peace dude', she liked it, and added her own little twists... Bathtub was her favorite. ?)

* Pipsqueak- "Rock on!!"

(guilty.... Flash had a cow)

* Someone- "Hello dear, aren't you cute. And how old are you?"

Pipsqueak- "I'm (peace symbol) peace years old"

* Pipsqueak- "Kill the doctor"

(someone was discussing a fictional book they were reading, and apparently some doctor was killed in said book. She picked up on part of the conversation)

* Pipsqueak- "I need some muscit back here dad!"

(She was riding in the backseat of the car and hollered up that she wanted some music- good girl. It came out sounding more like "mewsgitt")

* Pipsqueak- "Look it's a long-haired dad!"

(She means a spider... Around here they are called 'daddy long legs'. Why she reversed it and exchanged legs for hair is uncertain)

* Mom, to dad- "Do you feel like discussing our calender right now?"

Pipsqueak- "Disgusting?"

* Dad- "Wisdom is like tentacles, it spreads out and grabs on to everything."

(good old dad. Proverb meets humor)

* Dad, in reference to teaching Pipsqueak- "We really need to work on being a better team, guys....."