(Closed) how do i get FI out of his depression?

Fiance is on 2nd shift (3-midnight) and has been for a few years now. However, I recently went on 1st shift in April. Fiance desperately wants 1st shift. He is not made to be up at midnight, is always tired and this has led to… miserable moods.

I want to help him, I really do. But I can’t figure out how. He can’t quit his job. He has the best job in his field, it’s just a matter of getting on 1st.

Fiance has been a miserable person. Nitpicking, venting (constantly), being moody towards me, making me feel bad for living MY life. He’s generally jealous of me and the fact that I come home and can relax or see friends/family whereas he doesn’t get these opportunities as much.

I’ve made plans with his friends a lot of weekends so he can still see his friends too. I’ve pushed him to make lunch plans with friends. I’ve tried helping him with positive thoughts. I’ve had multiple talks with him about this.

It’s been really hard. He told me tonight that he would quit his job before losing me over this. But in the meantime, how do I help him?

Darling Husband works nights and there are a few things I do. Pack him a nice lunch. Even if its just a sandwich, add an apple, a pudding cup, or a little bag of chips… Maybe a note saying I love you? I always pack my own, so this isn’t a big deal. When he comes to bed, it wakes me up so I ask about his night and we go to sleep spooning. In the house, I keep a lamp on for him and the front porch light on. There will always be something to eat in the fridge, even if its just pizza or salad.

i guess the main thing is showing him you care even if you’re not there. I tend to do this with food because otherwise Darling Husband would eat crap and feel lethargic.

@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: I cook him dinners for every night. Like full blown- steak, veggies, pasta, chicken parm… all sorts of things. I leave lights on for him. I wake up when he comes to bed and kiss him goodnight…

We have this same problem, SOs a cook and works till midnight or later so by the time he comes home, haves some beers and watches a movie he doesn’t get to bed till 3 or 4am. Whereas I have 8am classes I am usually up for by 5 or 6am and get home around 7pm when he’s gone. It gets tough not to see each other and we do start to drift further away when it’s been awhile so we really make a priority to go on one “date” a week to catch up and let go of some stress. I would try and make him embrace his weekends or take a few vacation days to catch up. I would also really encourage him to go to bed early so he’s able to do things during the day, maybe some natural sleeping pills or something. After that that’s about all I can think of

@Jw1724: that’s about it then. His circadian rhythm being off and the nights being longer play a huge role. Chances are, he’s not getting outdoors in the sun much. Make sure he’s taking a multivitamin and gets enough Vitamin D. seasonal affective disorder is no joke.

@Jw1724: I don’t know that there’s much you can do other than just be there for him. It’s honestly up to him, what he needs to do.

If it was my Darling Husband I would calmly sit down with him and ask him if he wanted to change jobs. If it’s affecting his life and by extension yours, I think it’s a reasonable thing to discuss.

I say all this because I used to do shift work of all kinds. The worst were the 3p-3a shifts…I hated those and had to move down to part time for awhile because my body and moods were just not able to cope. So I can feel his pain!

@DaisyBelle: I wish it were easier for him to leave this job but it really is the BEST job in the entire state for his field. Leaving it would mean starting over. I just feel like SOMETHING needs to change soon to save our relationship. It’s really starting to suffer.

@Jw1724: It may be the best job for his *field* but it’s clearly NOT the best job for him. How long before he would be able to change shifts? Honestly, IMO nothing is worth potentially destroying your marriage over, especially if there is not a clear end in sight. I mean, obviously you two should do a serious cost-benefit analysis of the situation, but I find it really hard to believe that this job (which essentially means his misery) is the best situation for him. Is this behavior stemming solely from the hours that he is working, or might there be something else going on? Him being bored with his work, unhappy with other aspects of his life, etc.?

I understand the job is great, but still I’d like to suggest to consider different jobs. A job is a very important part of life and it’s not something that can be measured by one standard. So there can be jobs that may not look great as the current one but with several aspect, actually can be better.

Certain people really CAN’T work at night. I saw some researches that whlie in general night work requires more care, some people just can’t handle. If your Fiance is really one of those and this continues, his health can be seriously threatened.