Bye-bye by-election under the 'Curse of Eastleigh'

The three main parties have today made the surprise announcement that they do not intend to field candidates at the next Eastleigh by-election, on superstitious grounds.

Previous MPs have all fallen from their seats in harrowing circumstances. Experts in this sort of thing have confirmed the most recent victim as Chris Huhne, who apparently had his moral compass utterly fragmented and then suffered a vicious stab in the back from his chattel. The previous encumbent, Stephen Milligan, was reportedly ensnared in some form of cross-dressed-bondage autoerotic-asphyxiation-with-added-vitamin-C device. Quite a mouthful, particularly for poor Stephen.

A spokesman for the Lib Dems confided "The chaps are pretty spooked. There has been talk of witchcraft and voodoo doings". The Conservative and Labour parties have similarly withdrawn from the fray. "Frankly we can't take any more damaging publicity in the run up to the next general election."

Evidence of pagan ceremonies has been reported, with garlands and tributes being draped over a certain speed camera on the M11. Police are examining grainy CCTV evidence that suggests that a cowled figure bearing an uncanny resemblance to Nigel Farrage was seen prancing in the vicinity.