New Stadium Scrapped in Favor of Legislative Office Building

HARTFORD, CT: Citing budget shortfalls and endless construction delays, a city official today announced that the original plans for the new stadium have been scrapped.

“We figured that, since the cost overruns have been unrelenting, and we keep seeing delay after delay,” says commissioner Dick Tucker, “it just seems prudent to cut our losses and go in a different direction.”

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That direction is to put the remaining budget into a largely disused structure which the state already owns, namely, the Legislative Office Building at 300 Capitol Avenue.

“… it just seems prudent to cut our losses and go in a different direction.” – Dick Tucker, City Commissioner

Originally built to house offices for state legislators, and give rooms for meetings and hearings, those offices sit unoccupied for 75% of the year. When the General Assembly actually bothers to be in session, the only laws that get passed are those which levy new taxes or gut benefit packages. The plans now in place call for the next session to be held at an as-yet-to-be-named golf club over cocktails, which would likely result in a greater overall attendance rate.

“By retrofitting a space that already exists,” agreed ex-mayor Pedro Segarra, struggling to stay relevant, “the City of Hartford will realize a tremendous savings in costs refitting the building, as well as tax benefits from the heretofore underutilized structure.”

The LOB has added bonuses in the form of increased space, being able contain about twice the amount of patrons as the original park plans. Since the facility was originally designed to house lawmakers, the bathroom facilities are well equipped to deal with the expected, substantial waste flow.

“It’s a good thing,” says Amanda Tuppwith, a paralegal who works in the capital area, “Nothing has been accomplished in the LOB for so long, people are forgetting it’s even there.” Her sentiment is echoed by many citizens, some of whom stated they thought the building had been long abandoned, judging from the lack of any senators or representatives ever setting foot in the place. Reactions from the stalwart few remaining residents of Hartford have been mixed, but mostly favorable.

No one from current Mayor Luke Bronin’s office could be reached for comment, the reaction from the city worker who answered the phone was, “LOL, WUT?”

“Nothing has been accomplished in the LOB for so long, people are forgetting it’s even there.” – Amanda Tuppwith

Word from the Capitol Building is that Governor Dannel P. Malloy is staying out of the fray for now. A representative from his office did note that vast tracts of land, previously occupied by major corporations, are being freed up at a dizzying pace, which should make it easy to find abandoned lots for the new baseball team, the Hartford Yard Goats, to play on.