Broken but not done in, Douche takes a turn to the old campground and kicks off the present renters.

I love that he just runs out and folds up their tent and throws it two feet away assuming they’ll ask no questions and just leave.

After the gang gets settled on comes the muc montage.

Cries of “cool dudes” fills the background muc of one of the overtly gay scenes by so called straight guys I have ever seen.

Now, I don’t care what you are into, hell I could care less if you stick it in a shoe and call it a relationship. Doesn’t affect me either way.

But when you are portraying “straight” by standing in front of each other, shirtless no less, and laughing and spraying beer on each others nakes bodies, I question someone’s sexuality.

As I said, not that I care but being a straight male, if a friend of mine poured beer on my naked body while blasting, “cool dudes” on the radio, and smiling in my face,

I might question their motives.

But hey, that’s me.

Hopefully I didn’t disrespect anyone there.

If I did, meh, no one cares what the fuck I have to say anyway and neither should you. I spend my free time watching horror movies and reviewing them….yeah…my opinions aren’t exactly first on anyone’s list.

So back at the cabin, beer romp is now behind us, we hear stories from the Doucherino on how he hated his dad but loved him when they went to that cabin.

Blah, time kill, spit and move in.

I don’t care.

I already hate this guy, trying to humanize him now is erroneous.

There’s some more scenes with Pappy and the cop.

I can’t tell you what they talked about because I was busy seeing if I could bend my leg in an appropriate angle so as to use a foot to squeeze my ball sack.

Much more entertaining than you would think and miles more entertaining than this movie at this point.

After some more scenes of the thickest fog in a motion picture ever, we see one of the girls stray out into the woods.

She gets scared by two of the others as they are on their way to the woods.

Surprise, she gets attacked.

More surpring?

We see jack shit except some blood smears and fog.

John Carpenter could have learned something about fog from this movie.

We’re handed the bear red herring again and I’m totally apathetic.

This girl survives whatever the fuck attacked her and she stumbles upon the carcass of the old lady from the start of the movie.

What you are reading right now is more entertaining than the movie isn’t it?

It’s my lack of caring that’s entertaining you isn’t it? I know.

I’m here for your amusement.

So here’s a point form of the next bunch of scenes:
·- No gn of killer
·-More random bear shots
·- Back at the camp for a minute or two
·- Shots of the bear running.

He is a beauty.
·- More darkness
·- More nothing
·- Dead old lady again
·- More bear
·- Gang sees a truck
·- More bear
·- Pappy is in the truck.

Scene goes nowhere

Alright now here comes the heat.

The nerd falls into the dead, old guy and bust up his leg.

For some reason, Josh tells the rest of the gang to go get the truck and he’s going to stay with the wimp.

Even though there’s something killing everyone…and the cabin is literally like 2 minutes away (mentioned earlier by the couple that got killed).

Hmmm….why not carry him for the 2 minute walk.

It’s not far.

Josh doesn’t look that wimpy.

I’m sure they could all carry him.

I should have wrote this script goddammit.

Anyway, Josh stays with the dink.

We see that the bear is coming.

Josh and the nerd have some sort of heart to heart. Again, too little too late, and we find that the truck now has a dead battery.

I still don’t give a fuck but I may as well finish this turd.

So the other guy takes off in a bike and leaves his girlfriend to deal with some killing machine by herself at the cabin.

Brave, buddy.

He’s a keeper folks.

From here we flash back and low and fucking behold we see the namesake of the movie, the Berserker.

He runs up and kills Josh right in front of the nerd.

I still can’t see shit except fog and nothing.

Just when the berserker is about to kill the nerd, out comes that fucking bear we’ve been seeing all movie.

Now’s the time bear. Do your thing.

The next few minutes are hilarious yet kind of impresve.

The berserker and the bear duke it out.

And it’s no CGI here folks.

This masve dude and the bear have at it.

I mean obviously the bear thinks he’s playing and the berserker is probably his trainer in real life but this shit looks cool.

Hands down there’s no way anyone could say the berserker doesn’t look bad ass while fending off a goddam bear.

That’s balls people.

Titanium schnuts.

After some push and shove the bear knocks off the berserker, the nerd actually cheers, the bear gives us his best “t’weren’t nothin’” and moves on.

Daytime.

The girl back at the cabin freaks at sounds but she’s ok.

The nerd tries to make his way back to the cabin, something he should have tried last night.

Holy fuck!

Josh isn’t dead after all.

While all three try to escape that dirty bitch berserker pops up and screams at them.

Just as they are about to run I guess the cop shows up and guns down the berserker ending his life….for reelz.

End movie.

I feel two years older.

Wrap up:
What can I say here.

The pacing was absolutely awful.

For a 90 minutes movie, I felt like I just watched the extended verons of all three Lord of the Rings movies.

My teeth hurt it felt so long.

The acting was terrible, the story was awful and so were the effects.
I have nothing else to add.

Overall

2 / 10.

Don’t bother unless you are a slasher completest.I seldom give a movie under a 2 unless i get angry.

In this case, I was indifferent and just bored

Some alternate artwork

Asmodeus
Monday 7/30/2012 at 10:43 AM | 95154

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