10.25.2012

journeys...

I started out this journey with such hopeful intentions. After 3 years, I was hopeful I could manage life antidepressant free, or at least I was in a place that made me willing to try. I was/am hopeful, but also knew thanks to the wisdom of my doctors that the side effects would be less than appealing, which they were. I don’t wish that on anyone...a friend actually told me, she would rather be depressed than have to wean herself off medication again. Needless to say, that $#*% ain’t easy. I knew it would be difficult and I was ready to tackle it head on. I was ready for the side effects, braced for weirdness, nausea, dizzy spells, etc...but I wasn’t ready for the healing. WHAT?

I know that sounds weird, but seriously, healing is hard work

Who knew?

Obviously I didn’t, I had forgotten the necessary paths I would need to walk down in order for healing to take place, in order for God to work in me, to remove my need for control, my need for perfection, my need for me. You see, no matter what life throws you or to be theologically sound, what God allows to happen in your life, there are sins we must confess, lies we must dispel, and truths we must face. Whatever you’ve gone through be it depression or some other intense struggle, we have to face the ugly parts to see the beauty and once again God has asked me to face the ugly parts, the parts that I’m not proud of. The lies I believed about God, that He forgot me, that He caught me off guard, that He let me down. Yes, I believed He let me down. I believed He took the greatest thing in my life, motherhood, and tainted it with depression and anxiety. So for all intents and purposes He let me down. It was supposed to be perfect, I had it all planned out. I was in control and it was gonna be good, nah, it was gonna be great!

And it was, it was better than I could have ever imagined, still is, but not because I did or have done anything to make it that way. I am so thankful for the way God has redeemed my pain, worked in spite of my disbelief and my failures.

Why is healing so hard, why does it hurt so bad...Why can’t it happen the way I want it to happen, Why can’t I just click my heals together and be healed. Wouldn’t that be nice, then we could just skip the part where we have to wade through old wounds, anxieties and fears. We could just skip the part where we have to look at our sin. But, God beckons a different route, He asks us to walk through the fire, because He promises we won’t get burned...He asks us to climb this mountain with Him and to wade through the water with Him. We can take the easy way out and refuse change or we can be willing to walk through the pain, confess our sin and admit our brokenness. He doesn’t promise it will be easy (Jn 16:33), but He promises His presence (Dt 31:6) and that my friends can never be taken from us.

I write this because I have to, because its part of my journey, because God asks me to. I would rather not share my heart, I would rather keep it close because of fear and failure but thats part of this journey for me. I have to share, I have to be vulnerable, I have to admit weakness. And even if my family members are the only ones who read this, I still have to share my story because its part of the process of healing and in some way I hope it gives you the courage to share your heart too.

So whatever you are facing today, I pray that God would give you the courage and faith to persevere. I pray that you would believe and in faith be willing to walk through the healing. He is with you, He knows you by name and He loves you. -b.

I read this post today and knew immediately, reading it through tears that my eyes were meant to see it. Thank you so much for being bold and for sharing your heart in such a vulnerable way. Know it really challenged me to do the same and to be honest about the things I've been hiding from God in my life, rather than openly working through the struggles. You are a courageous woman, and I am inspired. Love you!