Friends: The One Before The Big Match

Dave talks to Nick about the important Cabinet reshuffle in the latest episode
of our political sitcom

'I’d love to axe William,' said Dave to Nick, 'but if there’s any chance he can rope in Angelina Jolie for a party-political, he’s staying put. Which only leaves the Deputy Prime Minister...'Photo: Getty Images

“Just that you’ve been having a bit of a rough patch. You know, I was watching the semi-final and after the fifth goal went in the Brazilians had these dazed, hollow-eyed, absolutely shattered expressions, and I said to Sam, 'I’m sure I’ve seen that look before.’ And then I remembered: 'I know! It was Nick after the European election!’ Nothing personal, but you looked like you’d been duffed-up on the way back from the pub, spent the night face-down in a bramble bush and didn’t know how you were going to explain it to the wife.”

“Thanks for your sympathy, Dave,” said Nick, tightly, “but was there a reason you asked me here today?”

“Absolutely, the Cabinet reshuffle. I’m sure you’ve been as hard at work on your bit as I have on mine. Usual problem – simply can’t find enough women and minorities. You know, if a Muslim lesbian in a wheelchair rolled in here right now, I’d give her a job on the spot, and the hell with any interview nonsense…”

“Just how you hired Andy Coulson, then?”

“Steady on, Nick. Anyway, I’m looking to freshen up the place, particularly towards the top. But George can’t be moved, and Theresa’s completely bullet-proof ever since she duffed up the rozzers. I’d love to axe William, but if there’s any chance he can rope in Angelina Jolie for a party-political, he’s staying put. Which only leaves the Deputy Prime Minister.”

Dave smiled, affably. “Well, yes, in theory. But let’s be honest, you make the walking dead look like the happy families in a Center Parcs ad. Seriously, Nick, the bell’s ringing for the 15th round and you’ve been battered for the last 14. You’ll lose your seat in May and the next thing you know, there’ll be a bunch of beardy, sandal-wearing assassins making you sleep with the political fishes.”

“So I should just give up and walk out of government, is that it?”

Dave looked appalled at the suggestion: “No, no, no! Well… all right… yes. But I’m sure you could get a cushy job in Brussels. Or maybe Tony could make you his warm-up man on the American speech circuit.”

“Well, I’m not going, and you can’t make me.”

“No, I suppose I can’t. But do me a favour, anyway. If you bump into anyone youngish, female, remotely ethnic and in possession of a regional accent, give her my number. I wouldn’t say a ministry’s up for grabs. But I’m absolutely open to offers.”