It’s weird how they say you forget pregnancy and giving birth quite quick after, both the hard painful parts but also that smog you’re in. I never thought that was true, until now when I have experienced it.

I wanted to write down my feelings for the last couple of weeks, now when little Oliver is finally here with us! Right now when I look at him I wonder how it all happened. He came out of me, I gave him his life. And it’s probably the craziest thing which ever happened in my life, and ever will happen.

The last couple of weeks have been like a roller coaster, ups and downs, happiness together with cries of frustration and pain. But I’m so thankful he is here, with five fingers and toes and a happy grin in his face. Thankful of having the best husband in the world, knowing what to do every time I panic. Thankfull for all the love we have and will give to him, for the rest of our lives.

Back to the pain, the very intensive pain of child birth. Here is a short story if what happened on the night of the 21st of March:

I woke up at 1.30 and needed to pee. Took two steps out of bed and my water broke, like in the movies. Gash, the panic. Konrad was still up (for some reason, he should have slept) and I ran to the toilet when he started cleaning up. Then I called the hospital in Lund, they were full but told me to relax, eat some painkillers and try to sleep. Ten minutes later the contractions started and they started close together straight ahead. And holy moly was that painful. I could not lay down at all. After we had timed the contractions for a while I decided to call another hospital in case we needed to leave earlier. They had lots of space in Ystad and she told me that it will most likely take a while as it’s the first time. I tried so hard to relax and breath through the pain but I was really bad at it, 😉. At the end I had to sit on the Pilates ball in the shower, only thing that helped. Konrad started packing our stuff and fill up cat food and all those things you need to do before you leave. At 4 I called Ystad again and told them that we wanted to come in and that I was in too much pain (I think she smiled a little in the other end of the phone, thinking that I exaggerated too much). When we arrived at 5.15 I could almost not walk from the car and it took forever to get to the door and then up the elevator. The women I talked to on the phone gave us a room and she didn’t want to give me pain relief until she knew how far I was. She placed those readers on my belly to measure baby’s heart rate and my contractions, and it took forever… I just wanted something for the pain. Then when she finally took a look I was eight cm open and she could feel his hair. No wonder I was in pain (I had read this is the most painful part). Anyways, it was too late for all type of pain relief, except laughing gas, so I quickly started breathing in the gas.. And it was so much better! I could concentrate my pain and focus. After this you need to push the baby’s head downwards, so I sat on a Pilates ball again, bouncing up and down with the gas in one hand and Konrad’s hand in the other.

By this time it was 7 o’clock and we had to get new midwifes and doctors as they had a change over from the night shift. 3 women took over and I honestly don’t remember much from this part. I started pushing and all of a sudden he was out, at 7.52. I got him straight on to my chest, something I had asked for. And he was the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world.

He was 51 cm, weighed 3600 grams and had a lot of dark hair.

After I was fixed up (will spare you the details), we got a family room where we spend the next 2,5 days together as a family for the first time. I don’t remember much of this time either, as it was a constant fog in my head. I was feeling vulnerable and in pain, happiness and so much love, everything at once. Konrad had to do everything practical for a couple of days, both for the baby and me! The only thing I could do was to feed Oliver.

Things I wish I knew before (but I wouldn’t have listened anyways!):

– breast feeding is a pain in the beginning (I cried my eyes out for days)

– it’s more than a full time job the first 2 weeks

– you need special clothes for breast feeding, I had none, was not prepared and had to go shopping after 2 weeks

Things that are better after birth:

– you don’t have to pee all the time

– you can start sleeping on the side again

– you can eat stuff again

– with time you get energy and can start enjoying life with a baby

Anyways, this is how I became the mother of Oliver Wilkens. And how I became the most important person in his life, together with Konrad!

So, after Christmas I started getting heavy. And I started getting some pain. Some nerves got stuck in my lower back so I couldn’t walk for some days, but it disappeared. Luckily!
We did some trips at the beginning of the year, a little bit late in pregnancy but had no choice. One was to Berlin for NY to meet Konrad’s family. And one was to the Austrian alps for a wedding. Both trips were exhausting but nice and maybe wasting money on doing nothing, but that’s how it is sometimes. Loved seeing all the people, plus we had an awesome rental car in Austria (which I mainly had to drive)!

Two weeks ago we learned that the baby was lying bum down (breech position) and everything changed.. I had to do a turning in the hospital, which meant that it could lead to an emergency cesarian (as turning a baby from the outside can start labor) or a 50% chance he wouldn’t turn and then that would lead to a planned cesarian.
Gah, I was nervous and was on sick leave. I had my last day at work 2 weeks ago, which was not expected but looking back probably the best decision. We went in for an ultrasound on the Wednesday and had the turning on the Friday. They hooked me up with some womb relaxing medicine and 6 trails and 2 doctors later he was turned. He is already the most stubborn baby ever..! Luckily it all went well and I had to start thinking of normal birth again. However, as they had to try so hard I was sore as hell, even bruising, this meant I couldn’t walk for almost a week. Thursday this week was the first day I went for a small walk in the forest. And since then it’s gotten better.

Some facts:
We have done parenting classes and a breathing course
I have gained 15 kg
Baby is about 3 kg now
He will be born in March
We bought or got everything we need, big thanks to everyone!!
It still feels like a joke, to have a human being inside my body (literary)
He will be half me half Konrad
I’m changing my last name to Wilkens, giving up Roos
We are so excited and ready and scared

Alright, let’s move on to the less nice part of my 9 months of having this baby growing inside me.
The happy summer was over and when it was time to go back to work nausea broke loose. I couldn’t eat anything except pasta and bread for 2 months. Felt constantly sick. Threw up every time I ate something with a little bit of taste and it sucked. Was home sick from work 2 times and people started wondering, so finally I told everyone. I’m thankful to work for a company that is extremely accepting and everyone has been happy for me since day one!

We did the mid-term ultrasound and it was all good. I forgot to tell you we also did the early ultrasound in week 12, to check for problems and to see what was going on. I really wanted to do the early one as I’m sure I would have regret it otherwise. The baby didn’t have any abnormalities, 😃. It’s such a big discussion on wether to do this early one or not, I have the opinion that everyone has to be prepared for anything with birth and if it helps you through this or you can take a decision later then that’s fine. If I can know early the more relaxed/prepared I can be. And it was also so nice to see the baby for the first time, it feels like you could just be tricked on the whole pregnancy thing, seeing this little thing inside you really makes you emotional. Konrad loved it too!
And on the second ultrasound we found out we will have a son.

Anyways, the whole autumn was pretty sucky. First closer to Christmas I started feeling better again and started gaining weight properly! Being able to eat everything again was heaven!! Baby boy was growing well at every check I had, he also started
kicking a lot.

In the middle of everything I turned 30 and we had some celebrations! And after that I think everyone close in my life knew!

Work took a lot of energy, it was basically all I could handle. I do have long days as I commute too. But in one way it was good to keep busy.

We also had kittens born in September, cutest kittens in the whole world. So small! I was super emotional too. Then we sold one a couple of months later and I cried my eyes out. Luckily the other one is still with us and he is lying on the chest as I write this!

Ok, cravings. Everyone asks me about cravings. It really hasn’t been bad. I’ve been drinking a lot of juice and “nyponsoppa”. And eaten a lot of oranges. Food wise I’ve been wanting basic food, stuff you ate when you were a kid.
I haven’t eaten a lot of meat or chocolate, weirdly. Lately Konrad’s been making lots of heavy salads which is really good as they contain iron. And they’re tasty!!