Near-death experiences 'due to watching Saturday evening television'

Scientists investigating near-death phenomena such as seeing bright lights and hearing voices have realised that this always occurs when the subjects are watching Saturday evening television.

Leading researcher Professor Adrian Lewison said: 'When we looked at the data, we realised they all had Saturday evening television in common. So we found some willing volunteers and put them in front of the telly on Saturday evenings.

'We discovered that the effect was exactly the same, whether they were watching BBC or ITV. They all reported lots of shouting and very bright lights. Those watching ITV also reported seeing someone who thought he was god.

'All the volunteers said the same things: "I've lost the will to live" or "I'd rather be dead than watch any more of this crap."'