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Welcome to neighbors anything you so much for joining us again and see any waters and doubt why are we seeing so many purple out houses around Rochester we're gonna get to that. First let's introduce you to our guests from resolve Alley and O'Malley thank you for being here eyes Sheila Kennedy. Big supporter of resolve any honorable judge in Valentino thank you for being here. Thanks to any kicking off October October being domestic violence awareness month and we come along way haven't we were actually now having Comverse see. Shins about this issue my we've been a good friend to us over the years and we had a lot of these conversations and it is more and more. Visible today. But it doesn't reduce the amount of shame. And fear and anxiety that victims feel that they only members who may be observing this going on in. With that and daughter or niece or somebody in their family. Feels. It's still really hard for people to reach out and get help as he hits really hard to acknowledge when your in the middle of this situation that it's actually happening. We've all these cases that we're now hearing about in the news and you know with the NFL players and other sports players to even locally the Brooks staples case. But there are so many people to come forward and say oh. Thought something was off thought something was wrong well what to do is always a question because there really isn't one straight answer and I think when people looking in at this problem from the outside they think there is a simple solution. There is never simple solution to domestic balance is different in every case mean. You know part the most challenging cases are the ones where there are no physical signs or symptoms so when the abuses. Primarily psychological. Or emotional or verbal but those cases have. Significant consequences. On the victim very often significant consequences on the children. And it doesn't that doesn't mean that physically violent cases are also important there really important but it's easier to begin to find solutions when when there's outward evidence that says something really bad is going on here. I before we get into what you should do if you have that that feeling that something's off. And resolve let's let's learn about resolve what is jar now your mission is to break the cycle of domestic violence but how do you go about. I achieving that. So we're very focused on prevention prevention is our primary non track so when we're thinking about what causes domestic bounce what makes it happen. We wanna find ways to connect people sooner in the process so before there is a major crisis. If you if any victim will tell you. After the fact that EO. Months years weeks prior to some some serious incident happening. That they knew something wasn't right in their relationship and they just didn't know what to do. I'm very often they feel some sympathy for their abuser and they feel like you there are the ones to blame. And that if they could change their abuser would be happier with them and they wouldn't have to do anything different. On what we hope to do always as soon as you get that feeling in your gut that something may not be right connect. With somebody. Making a connection doesn't mean you have to act and it just means you're getting information. It means you can you can either affirm that gut feeling or you can learn that maybe. This is just an unhealthy relationship and there are options for you to still be in their relationship and moved through whatever is happening. But relationships we really look at feminist countries the other very much private matter you know what goes on behind the doors of my house. Stays within that you know within the doors in my house and nobody ever wants to air their dirty laundry. So it's hard to pick up the phone and call someone so how to we equip more people to be able to respond to this issue. Had to re equip people who are dealing like therapist community based people who are working with someone who's depressed or anxious. And those people can learn to look for. Maybe the reason they're depressed and anxious is because there's violence or abuse them home you know so can we connected that way. And can we educate primary care physicians so that when they're doing your routine screening for domestic balance and the victims says. No I'm not being abused they don't just brush over that aunts and assume. You know when there's other indicators in the room yeah something could be going on and maybe they're just afraid to tell us. So prevention is a is a big. Part of what we do but we're also available to people who have been in an ABC her violent relationship they may still be in it they can policy just for information. I think something's wrong here what should I do. And we can help them back to be one phone call it could be three phone costs. They never physically have to walk through our door. Or if there really. Ready to do something about their situation or they've been out of it and they still feel really stuck which very very often happens that's another myth about domestic violence. People think once you've left the abuser it's over any Europeans freeing clear is that slowly not true. And particularly when there's children and opt out how do you cope parent through a domestic violence in the relationship even when it ends. So and so we can help people figure out. What they experienced. How they wanna handle it and weird they wanna go from here we're really focused on how do you rebuild your life had you not have this cycle repeat in your life. The awareness key component of all this is. So important and that's why you guys have purple house is look for the purple house and great all month long the DB stinks campaign that you guys are doing. The domestic postings campaign is designed to start a conversation in the community. I've heard recently that there are some victims who are a little bit upset by the campaign and I wanna address that for just once again. I'm this is in no way meant to minimize anybody's experience. It's it's a way to get people to talk about something that's hard to talk about who. The house catches people off guard. And it says wait a minute what's that about and what does it say in the French poet says domestic balance stinks. And if you think about that I've never known a domestic bounced victim to say cheese it was great. Ray yeah it does stink so it's intended to be a way to get people talking. And is very powerful word bear type in there yes I've been there. Live did Israeli the first 25 years of my life you know so I know that it stinks and I never want anyone else to have to deal with it. So how to we had a we bring it out. From behind a closed door into the light. And if you want to be a supporter of that you can just reach out to you guys on the website right yeah right on our website there's all kinds of information about the campaign you can. You can host the outhouse a year. Home RA your place of business is on your property for about 72 hours and then we come we drop it off we pick it up. But it it it's important that it shows up in unexpected places it just shows up randomly in neighborhoods and people say women that doesn't happen here. Yeah it does it happens in every neighborhood and our community domestic bounce is roughly half and half in the city of Rochester and in the suburbs. So when we were only pretend that this only ever happens to other people that's part of the mythology that we have to pray. And that is a very nice transition into judge Valentin on my your here. And there's a big event happening it's the reveal party. Judge you're going to be there it's an app to over 21 of putting in your phone are now seven to eleven the historic German house. Reveal amassed a bands and misses a night to fund raise to create awareness. And cash when we talk about the cases. You who presided over some of these cases how hard was it for you. Those are difficult cases ends and the first of all I I was honored though an Alley and Sheila asked me to be the honorary chairman of that event. And he told me that they wanted me to be the honorary chairman because of what you just stated. I could say that. I was in the district attorney's office back in the early seventies. And back then. When nine cases of domestic violence came to the courts. Quite often. Probably nine out of ten times when the judge called the defendants named the defendant would come up. And rape behind them was the victim the woman. And she would who raise your hand and say. Judge I don't wanna go through with this I don't I'm not gonna prosecute. And back in the early seventies it was the district attorney's position that if the victim was not. Cooperating or did not want to prosecute they would not prosecute the cases are quite a few of those cases went by the wayside. The police department's position was different than. If that's a policeman got called on domestic violence case he or she would go to the house if they saw evidence of domestic violence these simple most likely the man. Out of the house. Welcome around the block. Explain to the man that you know if you keep doing this you're gonna get arrested and then let him go back and house and then now. Is it through the years it has evolved that everybody's been become more aware like you LE stated it's their purpose and they're achieving their purpose little by little by little. On the police department's position is if there's evidence of violence there's an arrest. The district attorney's position is if there's evidence of violence were gonna prosecute. Even if sometimes the victim does not wanna proceed they will still. I prosecute. There's opinions on both sides of that position but that is their positions they they aggressively prosecute domestic violence. The courts have responded. To this. There is an integrated domestic violence court right now just devoted to that while. And it has to be a supreme court judge presiding because in that particular court. There would be negotiations for plea or treatment or trial. And then quite often there's a divorce. And pa supreme court judge couldn't grant the divorce so that's why supreme court judge presides in the integrated domestic violence corporate that's all. The dead judge does so the judge becomes more attuned to these issues. You ask me in the beginning of those cases are difficult or very difficult because used the violence that that I saw is a supreme court judge. Was a murder attempted murder. The most egregious assaults. And and consequently it's very difficult. To preside over those types of cases. But we're getting better with recognizing. And taking the next action the next step is before you said the woman would say never mind up charges ailing why would. By window victims say that while there's so many reasons and this is. It's really interesting to aid for people are really kind of follow a case all the way through see it through dies at the judge see it through the eyes of an advocate. I'm. Particularly in those early years I am back in the 1970s domestic bounce was just coming into awareness in in society ran just prior to that we actually didn't even have. The capacity to prosecute domestic violence cases until well into the 70s am so the a victim will say they wanna drop. Charges if their perpetrators has said if you pressed these charges against me I will Killian that's a powerful motivate there. And they will say OK I'll drop the charges are dropped the charges please you know please don't hurt me a fear. Or they'll say I'll hurt our children. Several years ago there was that very high profile case increase of the little boy whose name is escaping me right now who was murdered by his father. I'm it was a contentious divorce he called the wife during a visit normal visitation and say you won't get here in times he killed the son took his own life. Says domestic violence and so these are really really challenging there's so many reasons that a victim would say I'm not gonna prosecute. And it's hard for an outside person understand I April when you're living with it there's the devil you know. Who is your partner who's hurting him in the W dot I don't know what's coming down the road for me I don't know Honda and support myself. I don't know what's gonna happen to me in my children. Am and then there's the reality that. I probably still really care about this person. That's the other piece it's really hard for people understand nobody enters a relationship going geez I hope the sentence domestic violence. In great things are not always like a 20% and no no they're not that's right and that's part of what keeps a victim. We call it the hooks that's one of the hooks that keeps that victim minute in an ABs are violent relationship is. It generally is. Is okay. I'm not gonna say it's good but it's okay and it's manageable the majority of the time and then there are these escalated to points of time. What happens for many victims as they describe it like. I I walk around on egg shells you know I know how to navigate to not. Set them off. Or I believe that I do that's. Again that's the way that a victim things and some level the victim feels like they're able to control the situation reality is that there are not. The decisions that the perpetrators makes male or female. Are their decisions. And me as the person your relationship with the perpetrators or no control over their behavior. That's a big part of the education in the learning that we do when we're working with someone is where you actually have control. And the realities of all I can control are my choices. I can't control of my partner I guess. I'm. We don't know we will continue to give advice to some people judge about. Should I do anything about it is you know is going to court going to solve anything. Or even in the case with children to I have to give him rights I don't feel comfortable with him being with a child without me there. I can give you advice from my judicial Angola yes earlier in my career I was and the board of directors for what was called at that time alternatives for battered women. And which is called willow now I believe. And they. Head they had a campaign there where they were trying to make people aware of a place where they could call like a hot line kind of thing that I remember that idea spring forward and and her hotline. I know that alleys organization. And oh there are other organizations in our communities that. Promote this kind of thing where if you have this problem. Make the call or come down or do something but it's difficult just as Ellie said a lot of tests for victims to make their break. But if they can make a call. That is it extremely beneficial to them the stars of the judicial system. I would strongly suggests that they called police department they have the police department has the certain units that are trained and domestic violence issues and what to do. And if that is it doesn't work the district attorney's office has a domestic violence unit in the district attorney's office so. There's there's all kinds and numbers to call it's difficult to take that step though. But there are agencies within the criminal justice system and within our community where people should make that call. Here also. Sorry I'm just as something to with the judge said there are also civil remedies so there are an awful lot of victims who don't want to prosecute criminally. But they can still go to the civil court the family court and apply for an order of protection. They still have to meet. And evidence Jiri standard meaning their past to be a documented history that's that shows why they're afraid of their partner and why they're asking me or in order to Asian journal and every saying he had an outbreak there. We daddy died on the process involves completing a petition so you have to complete a petition that goes before a family court judge juror referee. That may then evaluate and they say this part the scary part two victims so scary though scary the holy way to get a prepare for this gas. So if you go to what happens is you'd go to the court. The civil court the family court and there is a safe protected waiting room for domestic bounce with the victim to weighed in while they're waiting to see the jets. And they complete a petition with the help of someone you don't have to do this on your on their senators and an officer who helps you complete a petition are. And then the EU. That petitions presented to the judge in the judge makes a determination right in that moment on whether or not they're going to grant a temporary order of protection. It does not need to be any criminal proceedings pending. That temporary or protectionist typically a two week period of time. And then the person with junior year making these charges has to come back and face the court. And respond to the charges. And if they make a case that they're not doing what what is being claimed that the order could be dropped. But if they don't make a strong case or can't sufficiently meet the charges then then that judge will often extend that order of protection. Per year year and a half three years depending on and how severe that the reports are at a tough jockey Matt but I think back on that time in my life. And then that police officer of the only time the police ever came to my house was the day I decided to leave. And the private waiting room and other things because it was the late ninety's but. He said to Europe or early two thousands actually he said. I went to the court they told me where to go. Literally all I remember from that date RD. The lights in that the ceiling it's estranged memory but that's all I remember are like the fluorescent lights. I was so disoriented. I was so out of mind. Lee he's not. Going into the coordinating even have the metal detectors that I mean it was just such a startlingly. Process that I it was like an out of body experience. It's really can't courtroom is and you donating yeah I mean yeah right you right to marry into. I don't know who I am not being a hundred male Joseph Joseph and let you know for those but I don't Edmonton you know. So isn't it isn't an easy thing to do but it is a remedy that's available to people you can. Access that and that the interesting thing about the civil court option is you don't have to have criminal charges pending so you can take care of yourself and what you think your immediate needs are. I am. We've out. Criminally punishing your partner. And you might wonder why he would do that but that works for some people. And on the criminal side you can go down a city court right now you know a couple blocks away from here and you will see city court judge and arraignments of people signing orders of protection they must sign. 34 orders of protection they are scary and look the New York State Legislature did is another awareness is that they enhance the penalties. Four. Violation of our protection. When there's violence involves two zone other words say it's a stay away order end the perpetrators. Doesn't stay away. That's a violation order protection and in this these convicted or she is convicted they can go to jail. But if there's violence involved in the violation or protection the penalty is enhance now by the New York State Legislature the laws enhance so. I understand what Ellie say it's good that they have this a remedy noncriminal remedy. But in the criminal side the remedies that are are earned the punishments are getting a more severe for violations of orders are orders of protection to skip. You must have so many stories I mean I could talk to you forever judges and if you wanna sit down and talk with the judge you run. You just get as sick and mingle right on October 20. Halfback and I'm gonna have some fun may have to cut back. That's grapefruit is designed to be as much in awareness and a fundraising event but also a celebration of all those survivors you have. Have found their way to the other side here's a huge huge number of those and look who we expect from the night there reveal party after returning. Have great things eat I wish Larry good not MEL bind and it's really great things deep but the sky coasters in the earth so hampering your dainty she's gonna hasn't spent. We weren't main tasks so you know everybody LA did the allure of going to a masked ball I'm you got that right here in Rochester meant and I missed it. I'm still and I think that there's going to be signed is that a silent auction down and yes there's going to be silent auction. Another wave crest to raise money time and you actually promote some days you know wonderful businesses that are supportive never solved and animation there. So there's all kinds of great things and you get huge and mix and mingle with people who believe in him making this. Not present in our community anymore so I think that's really important then and now there's strength in numbers are in every. Now let's go meet each and Aaron and supporting each others that we can I think Iran is this as it. Social and it's openly talk about it learn more about it because that's really what's holding us back yeah I don't I don't they just leave. Our special -- so much more to win great to reveal party reveal unmask events the historic German house it's October 21 of get out your confident in their seven to eleven ego to resolve dash ROC dime or a guy can purchase your tickets online purchase tickets before the event yes we're not gonna do at the Dorsey LC OK to buy your tickets and I am resolved dash ROC. Born who can also find out more about. Domestic violence stinks campaign that's going on in the outhouse that you can sponsor. Plus a whole bunch of other things throughout the month because it is domestic violence weren't great. Thank you so much of Q.