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An individual I had met online in Les Brown’s Facebook group sent me this book. I am now using the book as a resource and inspiration for writing my first book.

The book builds three central arguments:

Your life story, your knowledge, and your message – what you know from experienceand want to share with the world – have greater importance and market value than you probably ever dreamed.My message: To help others succeed by becoming their best selvesWhat I know from experience: Techniques and methods to uncover, or for some, resurrect, your true self

You are here to make a difference in this world, and the best way to do that is to use your knowledge and experience (on any topic, in any industry) to help others succeed. My knowledge and experience: I want to help others succeed by becoming their best selves because I discovered my best self. Note: I will be using the words “best,” “true,” and “authentic” self interchangeably throughout my book.What is your theory? My theory is… that once an individual loses touch with his/her true self, the individual can, through a series of steps, reclaim their true selves and be on a greater path of self-understanding and awareness, a path I call wholeness. My strongly-held belief: That we all deserve to live fulfilled livesI want to share with the world (ie, Brendon calls this one’s”message”) my own self-discovery process of discovering my true self and how others can benefit.My narrative will encompass:

This is where I came from

This is what I went through

What I learned

Where I am now
I rediscovered my true self. My story will both move you. I am a Survivor and blessed with enormous gifts and talents.My message is that we can all discover who we truly are if we open our hearts and minds to the gift of receiving spiritual insight.My book explores the question we all, at some point or another, ask ourselves, “Who am I?” It digs deep and calls upon the reader to look at his/her life and the experiences he/she has had that make him who he/she is.The book deals with peeling the layers of the onion and challenging and questioning beliefs that we grew up with and the very notion of who we are – who we believe ourselves to be.
Are we running away from ourselves? Are we who we really think we are? …who we say we are? Or are we subconsciously living out the exceptions of others without even realizing it?

You will now take an honest look at yourself:

I believe in transparency. In recognizing who we are and honoring ourselves. Many of us are not even aware we are subconsciously living out the lives of others.

This is about truth-telling:

Are you who and what you say you are?

How willing are you to find out who’s “life” you have been living and achieve a level of success for yourself that you never could have imagined…

There are two women who have been in my life that still hold a special place in my heart. These women are Ashley and Jen — two very positive people. People might ask why Jen, when she was so flaky and unreliable, and to tell you the truth, despite her inconsistency, contradictions, back and forth, push/pull behavior, she was in love with life and it was contagious.

Ashley shared this joy, but with the reliability piece :P Both of these women nevertheless helped shape my life, and I thank them for it. I miss them both dearly. I think they, or Jen rather thought I was too “emotional” for her tastes. Jen would always joke with me and say we were so “different” (quote) — that we just “looked at things differently” — Amanda said the same thing to me. Jen and Amanda were supposed “Sensors” in the mbti — as opposed to the “Intuitive” I am, so of course we looked at things differently!

At any rate, their energy for life really rubbed off on me, and the positivity was really healthy. I have been surrounded by negativity for far too long — I am depressed and feel like I have reached the end. I feel stagnated and entirely devoid of trust. I really want my life to turn upside down — for fate to change, for the better. I need an opportunity — a shift, for my perspective, etc. to change so that I can be joyous and free again. I am not sure how I let these prison gates define me?

How have I imprisoned myself? In what ways? I long to break free, out of this shell and launch into a new life. I guess the choice starts with me. Why am I so afraid? — to take risks? What do I need that will enable me to do this? How can this misery end and construction be discovered? I want to rejoice in life, not dread it. I feel like I’m breathing in pollution — the “air ways” literally and figuratively are being polluted, and I can’t breathe… I am choking. I am exhausted. Sleepless nights get the best of me. I have insomnia. I have nightmares.

I miss poetry, music, lights, art, friends, laughter, camping, bicycling, rollerblading, doing fun stuff — things that Erin and I do not have in common and that she refuses to even try. Her closed-off ness and unwillingness I cannot change — God bless her for the suffering she experiences. I try my best to always stay open — I think I have done well. I have remained vulnerable and open to learning (Jen was perhaps one of the only people I have ever dated to have opened up my heart to love and unconditional self-regard and acceptance)
and sharing and trying — perhaps too open in that regard. At any rate, I have tried, successfully to keep my guard down and to rid the “iron gate,” which permeated my soul and spirit for far too long.

I think we limit ourselves; little do we — I in this case, realize all the choices

we have — the vast array. There is “life” here. Perhaps I need to open my eyes… to release… to surrender… to something greater…

to know that I can overcome this difficulty and triumph. Somewhere, I think to myself, there has to be integrity… a soul that cares, a person that is real, a lover who is consistent — but wait, it must first start with myself. Am I being consistent? Am I being honest with myself? Am I lying and deluding myself into believing there’s something “there” when there’s not — that she — Erin is the right person for me?

We all know she is not. Correction: I know that she is not, yet we try, because why? Because we “want” it to work? Two people need to surrender. How different are we, I ask? Are we worlds apart? …far, few, and in-between? Does she respect and appreciate my sensitive nature? I am a poet, a lover, nurturing… I am loving, and strong. I am devoted, protective — can you stand for this? I think we missedourmark. I was not the chosen.

It escapes me. I let you fall through my fingertips. Here’s an idea for you: Don’t let go of that which you treasure; it will only burn and bury you. Be honest with yourself and your motivations, your intentions, your feelings — stay true to all you know. Do not compromise your values or allow yourself to drink or thirst for something that does not serve you. You will die and be left unchosen. I never wanted to be alone in and with this, and perhaps I never was — perhaps this entire time I had God on my side but could not see — too wrapped up, caught-up in the lesser problems of my life, the trivial matters to see. But all along, he (the “God” of my understanding) has been there. My eyes have just been shut…

I’ve dreamed about this, Sixteen days away Now you’re here, And my head lays besides your body, Pillowed under mine You were poison, Spinning round my mind Welcome to my world She said, do you feel Alive she said It’s all a bad dream, Spinning in your lonely head, Welcome to my world, She said, separated world, She said, separated, Down poison, Down poison, Body withered, Body died, Time to take away this life Bad enough to die from one, Not to mention Four or five Welcome to my world She said, do you feel alive she said It’s all a bad dream, Spinning in your lonely head Welcome to my world she said, Separated world, She stayed separated Down poison, down poison Down poison, down You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You weren’t there for me, I was there for you You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve died for you You wouldn’t die for me, I’ve already died for you You wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die, you wouldn’t die! Welcome to my world she said, do you feel alive she said It’s all a bad dream, Spinning in your lonely head Welcome to my world she said, Separated world, she stayed separated Down poison, down poison Down poison, down.

Well, now that I am going to live my “own” life I have to figure out how I am going to do that. I feel like one again I am having to shut my heart off in order to continue walking. I feel like I am having to harden myself so that I can keep on going, and I don’t naturally like to do this being someone that is very sensitive and gentle. At any rate, I now need to take care of myself the best way I know how and get myself to a place where I can self-sustain. I need to be able to “carry my own weight.” I have a feeling that on this road, one of the lessons will be learning to take risks and chances. I hate taking risks and chances and prefer predictability. I understand that progress comes in bounds and leaps.

If this is my life then “what am I going to do with it,” I ask? The world is a playground and this is my showroom, and it’s a chance to shine… I am sure that I will fall as I’m “out” there. To be really honest, I am afraid to be “out” there. I am afraid of this whole “sink” or swim deal. What is life without someone? I feel like I have been emotionally alone for too long and the last thing I want is to not have someone to rely on and have to solely rely on myself emotionally because I have already had to do this and it’s been very difficult…

“Us against the world” -Musiq. There isn’t any “Us against the world” anymore… Ashley and I are through, and I just need to get her out of my head. You know, the truth is, all I really needed (wanted) was a friend… but the simple fact is, she’s cut me off for reasons of her own, and I just have to move on. She wants me to “move on” fine. I will move on via action, but not heart. The heart may take some time… I am not someone who has multiple commitments… that is not me. I tend to be very faithful and true to causes and persons I believe in.

At any rate, I will force myself to move on via action and honestly try not to get a chip on my shoulder or too jaded when I come home from a jaded world and want nothing more than to have a woman there to help “soften” (comfort) me. We all need that comfort, and I have never had it. I have always been the “strong” one, just naturally… it’s hard to find an equal. Ashley was an equal of mine. I don’t even want to mention her name anymore, as it hurts so bad I just want to laugh to try and deflect the pain. I am angry and sad at her choice to cut me off, and I just want to run away.

I can (and should) be able to make things work for myself out there… out there in this “world.” I am a pretty tough cookie. I remember when I was little wanting to do SWAT, or the DEA. I love cop shows. I am interested in protective custody, too… ie, children. I am interested in protecting and serving. At any rate, I guess it’s now time to protect myself. Every time I try and get Ashley out of my head I can’t. I sit here, and I think, “Wow, I’m going to be all grown up and she’s going to be married.” I don’t know, I guess that just goes to show my lack of faith in society right now, because the reality is, God and the Universe work in mysterious ways. For instance:

I watch this video, something I once (and still, in the back of my mind and deep inside my heart) believed in, and I think to myself, “Maybe I won’t get that lucky. I am definitely a force to Reckon with.” I am strong and persistent. There is a fine line… I guess there is also a time and place, and now is the time for me to let go.

I have only been able to sing this song to two people — Ashley (originally, and still) and then my previous counselor/confidant “Syndee” who’s heart had no bounds and where boundaries were extremely blurred. “Undefined.” I guess love has no bounds…. it’s true, it cannot be defined or exacted… it’s not a science. It’s just simply chemistry… something we try and figure out when we get scared or are simply curious, but we can’t, because it just is… Soul-mates are one amongst a few, and they are great opportunities for us to learn about ourselves, others, and life. They come and go, but I think it can be said, that for some those connections and ties never change.

So I will “pull up my bootstraps” so-to-speak and continue trucking. I am not going to let anything stop me or get in the way of my own success, which I define as the ability to be self-sufficient and take care of myself. I know that I am capable of being successful and living passionately and purposefully. My dream is to inspire… to make change. Ashley has no clue who I am and what I’m capable of, but that is okay, because there will soon come a point where I will be out there “on my own” officially, and I will have no one but myself to turn to. I will make it work for myself, and I can only hope that by then, and if, and eventually that I can let a woman, and another woman into my heart…

“Dreams unspoken, this price is our token” –a line in a poem I once wrote. “Words cannot describe, words cannot define this thing between you and I.” Someday… not right now. I will choose to live. If she wants me to move on, fine. I want to move on, too, for me… to grow up. For me to be able to move some of this energy and get it, things going. To do. To stop sitting on the sidelines planning my attack so-to-speak. To just be and trust. “I can make it on my own.” Instead of the song, “Just the ‘two’ of us,” that “two” will be me and my little girl inside… that tough, strong, independent, rambunctious, energetic, alert child:

So as everyone may or may not already know, my New Year’s Resolution this year is to develop a healthy relationship with myself so that I can have healthy relationships with others. I want to learn about myself and how to be intimate with myself. I believe, this in exchange, will allow me to be intimate with others and have vulnerable honest exchanges with others. I cannot throw myself into relationships anymore without [before first] building (establishing) a relationship with myself. I need to really get to know myself, and I don’t just mean on an intellectual level, but emotionally and spiritually.

I need to be able to sit with myself and be comfortable in my own skin. Most of my relationships have been formed prematurely. Intimacy –true intimacy was never established. We were both young and new little about ourselves.

I have a lot of grieving to do. I have basically lived through others (sacrificed my own wants/needs) to make others happy, and so much of my happiness has been based off others reaction’s. I need to begin getting to know myself and learning to sit with myself.

The challenge I think will be not getting sidetracked by Erin, or another relationship. I really need to stay honest with myself lest I fall back into the obsessive relating –ie, “other” -focused pattern. I need to just trust myself and focus on myself and my spirituality. It’s really hard though when I fear abandonment, and being around Erin triggers me. I am triggered by her issues of NON-respect, honesty, dependability, communication, and commitment, but I need to remember that I chose her –subconsciously or not, and I cannot undue the past, only learn from it.

What Erin does is her choice. I cannot control what she does, and if I am hurt by her, I should have the ability to leave. Unfortunately I don’t because I’m in a situation of financial dependence, however I am doing my best to pull myself out of it. The only concern I have now is health issues, and I’m concerned that it might complicate matters.

I am trying to trust and surrender to a higher power, but am finding it difficult. I’m not sure why I’m so outcome (control) focused. I want to just “surrender” and let things happen, naturally. I am not sure what will have to happen to help me surrender, but something… and hopefully not a life-threatening illness. All I know is that I haven’t been able to find work, and I have been desperately worried about my situation, both with myself and with my relationships.

I want to live a purposeful life with integrity and clarity and stop functioning from old ways relating and living; it’s not healthy. I want to breathe life again and not be fearful and run and hide. I have been in the dark for far too long, and I’m ready to be guided. Where is a spiritual power when you need it? I had begun developing faith literally 3 months ago, and it just sort of descended because I slipped back into my old pattern of relating… I want it back. I was starting to re-establish trust in myself and others, and I lost it. I have become more fearful and less trusting.

I think I am going to read up on card 12 “The Hanged Man” –read some mythology on it and such and see if I can figure out how to open myself up to be coached/taught (humbled). I might also listen to some AA speaker tapes, as I believe it’s steps 3, 6, and 11 in 12-step recovery that are about allowing oneself to be instructed.