It wasn’t just the tagline of her blog, “Home, the way it SHOULD be.” (Gag.) It wasn’t just the main content of her post. Which, for the record, was a wannabe-wistful diatribe on “What’s so wrong with NOT wanting to work?” Except that it came off as self-indulgent and whiny.

***

Before you all jump on me, I should mention that she wanted to not work even before she had kids. It just hit her all the more while pregnant. And she admitted in this “Why me, O Lord?” exercise to having “two-income sized debt.”

For the record, I really don’t have an opinion about whether women work after having kids. I think both are admirable.

***

Back to the piece. It was plaintive and narcissistic. By the end of the piece, Mom and I both were gritting our teeth. And I’m pretty sure I know the exact line that caused our jaw muscles to tense:

“If I can do it, anyone can.”

Bull (wait for it) SHIT.

Hey, good for her that she managed to get a successful/popular site going. Though I still cringe that she actually called it an “empire.”

I’m glad she found a solution that encompassed what she wanted (though arguably that was not to work at all, and most of us know that blogs ain’t easy!) and what was feasible for her family. I’m sure it took a lot of blood, sweat and tears. And, yes, I know it’s wrong that I’m really hoping the emphasis was on tears. I never claimed not to be bitchy.

But I am just sick unto death of people assuming that if they did it, anyone can. Are you actually pompous enough to believe that no one possibly has it worse or harder than you? Because, by setting yourself up as some shining beacon/glowing example, that’s exactly what you’re saying.

Tim and I had a much tighter budget than most personal finance bloggers. We never made $40,000, even when Tim was employed. Still, we managed to pay down around $40,000 of debt: $20,000 in student loans; $8,000 in oral surgery/dentures; $2,000 in moving expenses; and, of course, all the smaller unexpected bills that inevitably add up.

Impressive? I think so. And it’s my blog, so I can pat myself on the back if I want. (And if I’ve stretched.)

Would I dare to say that I’m proof anyone can do it? NO!

Tim and I had a lot of luck. First, we’re white and come from middle-class backgrounds. That confers privileges that we can’t begin to comprehend. It sucks, but these things do make a difference.

The biggest advantage, though, was my mom. For the two and a half years that Tim and I lived down the hall from her, we got free toothbrushes, body wash, face wash, deodorant and toilet paper. She’d also stop by and stock our cupboards with snacks she’d found on the cheap.

She helped keep our entertainment costs down by sending away for screening passes (something I’m never organized enough to do) and her infamous Coke Rewards machinations.

She also let us use the car whenever we needed it, making life significantly easier for lil ole chronic-fatigued me.

Most importantly, she GAVE US HER CAR when we moved down to Phoenix. That meant we didn’t have to finance one while also paying down debt.

I’m willing to bet the majority of people in debt don’t have a parent making all that effort on their behalf. I got very, very lucky.

Of course, our biggest disadvantage was health. It not only made it harder to work but caused more bills. Still, I count myself fortunate that we avoided other costly factors:

1. Location: Seattle wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t New York, Chicago or other major metropolises. There, everything is more expensive — from rent to groceries to paid parking.

2. Jobs: You may be stuck in a high unemployment area and can’t afford to move away. Or you can’t sell the house that’s keeping you there. Maybe you are tied to the area because you take care of family members — or because family members take care of you. (People don’t give enough weight to the importance of support networks.)

3. Religion: One of my regular readers keeps kosher. That’s a big expense. Many Christians don’t consider it an option to tithe, which means 10% of their income is spoken for.

There are probably a lot more factors, but these are what I came up with. I’d love to hear more from you folks!

These are the kind of thing that no one considers until it happens to them. These are the things that prove that not everyone can do it. That our lack of success — by your definitions or on your timetable — don’t mean we’re lazy or wrong. They just mean we’re different.

Comments

You go, Girl! Good to go hear other people's schtick and see how bad you can come off in print. I never find your posts whiney or poor-me and I know you have a lot of challenges. Glad you went to BlogHer with your fabulous mom (whom I adore from afar).

Thank you! I think it takes something away from the doer and the prospective doer when you say "if I can, anyone can". I do things in my life that are NOT EASY, that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I hope no one ever HAS to do them. I would never diminish what I have accompished and or diminish another's efforts by using that phrase.

Thank you, Abby, for acknowledging how big an impact luck and family has on our circumstances. I keep up with a financial message board and I'm frequently appalled by the superior, scornful attitude that so many of the upper middle class posters have towards the "lower classes." They earn impressive salaries, so everybody else should be able to do it, too. The general belief is the more you earn, the better you clearly are intellectually and morally. Anyone who's not upper middle class or higher is, at best, lazy and at worst, just trying to take money away from their "betters."

It made me think of another comment I heard from a blogger once (who I happen to respect, but this particular comment made me cringe). It is a blog on personal success, time management, etc. Anyway, he wrote…"You have the same 24 hours in a day that Donald Trump has." To which I said… whatever!

From a purely literal point… yes… we all have 24 hours. But Donald Trump isn't doing his own laundry, cleaning his own house, changing the oil in his car, making his own meals, running his kids to practice or handling the vast majority of daily tasks of living that most everyday people have to handle. Donald Trump (I'm guessing?) has endless amounts of discretionary time that he can choose to devote however he wants because the vast majority of details that keep life moving along are handled by other people in his life.

To the blogger's credit, I understood the intent of his message… to inspire all of us to pursue our dreams and not lean too heavily on the excuse of "I don't have time." I just wish he wouldn't have used the Donald Trump example to try to get his point across.

anyway, thanks for your honest post that points out a very obvious fact… not everyone's situations are the same.

I can understand your issues very clearly. I grew up in a family with both a disabled mom and dad who did the best they could to raise me properly despite significant challenges and obstacles and next to no money to do it.

My mom had a saying that stayed with me. “You’ve got 2 good hands and 2 good legs”. My mom and dad between them had one good set of hands and one almost good set of legs. I’ve never forgotten that.

I have been blessed with relatively good health and understand limitations/handicaps and how difficult they are to overcome.

I too have run into the self-indulgent, lazy, among us. It’s best to ignore those bad influences and be grateful for the accomplishments and great strides you’ve mad e in your life despite your obstacles.

Currently my son is suffering financially. My husband and I have been supportive – like your mom we gave him our newer car to drive to his new career as a graduate student in another state. We paid his moving expenses and then stopped paying for things. He’s down to a few dollars until 9/15 when he get’s his first paycheck from the school (he’s getting paid to go to school). He understands the cost of things now that he’s shouldering his own bills, but is very thankful we’ve helped him as much as we have. I just sent him a box of “free” toiletries yesterday.

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