This is a story about a once fun, outgoing girl who volunteered, gave her heart to a community she was a part of for 20+ years and divorce. Those she loved passed judgement without question when the word divorce reached their ears. Slowly friends felt they had to pick sides and stopped any interaction. Many made assumptions, some went as far as to look away and pretend not to see her. “How could she divorce him?” “He was a great guy, great father, never wavered, and supported her in everyway”. He had been with her since she was a teenager, “How could she leave a good man?” Her reasons were Her own, but being happy and healing wasn’t going to happen in Her marriage. They were and will always be best friend. The problem can quickly as news slowly spread, his life was his community and had become her community, she knew nothing else.

She asked the same thing about the community she loved, why? Why had she become a outsider? It was a harsh reality. She wondered why the community she loved abandoned her.

The couple had chosen not to make a spectacle of a wonderful 20 year marriage. No vaguebooking, no fighting, simply be happy. They simply moved on and agreed to support each other. They had wanted each other happy. They wanted their children happy. Was it her Mental illness causing delusions? Was it her severe depression? Was it the deployment that came months after the legal preparations? Was it new friendships she had made since the separation? Soon people asked, the slow de-friending on social accounts. She simply wasn’t in the community anymore. She was left feeling abandoned, lost, and found herself in the shoes of those she’d helped throughout the years.

Those she had forgotten as well.

So thats becoming my story. Divorce isn’t a easy decision. I find myself lost in my sickness. Struggle to live, work and stay active supporting my community. I struggle to not cry everyday. My life is a struggle. I am thankful to those who continue to reach out, those who love me even in my madness, those who are still my friends.

To everyone else, you don’t know our story. Remember both of us involved. Remember our friendships. I’m Bipolar, it’s not contagious. It’s a debilitating depression with ups and downs. If you loved my ups, please love me when I’m down.

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8 thoughts on “Leaving on good terms, but loosing an identity ”

Courageous article! Been there, done that. I so agree about why it should matter to anyone else. People shouldn’t take sides (IMHO only small-minded people do that).
Super glad you knew what was best for you and took the brave step to take the best course of action for yourself.
By the way, you could simply title this, “Losing your identity.” (It is one o in losing).
Much love and peace to you dear heart! ❤️🦋🌀

I’ve been down that road… though we both realized that we weren’t looking at each other as people, but as a person with Anxiety/Depression vs a person with Depression/Anxiety/Alcoholism. We both hit rock bottom together, and then we carried each other out.

Couples breaking into US against THEM is the hardest – for everyone. Most people aren’t that connected, I think, so they choose the side that is most verbal – or most present. It’s awkward for them to ask questions, so they just listen to whoever is talking. Women tend to retreat when we are hurt… why should we explain everything to strangers? But dudes can go on full blast, and the most common thing every man says when talking about an ex “She was crazy.” It’s so lazy and cliche.

All our “common” friends and acquaintances can pick sides in a heartbeat. What does it mean to them, anyways? They pick the easier route. Truth doesn’t matter. They don’t want to know, honestly, what went on behind closed doors.

It hurts. It really hurts.

I’m sorry. But time moves us forward, and for all those who didn’t stand beside you – they were bystanders anyway. Any real friend would have asked you a question – even one – WHY? Real friends are hard to come by these days.

Remember this. Learn. Next time someone breaks up – get both sides of the story, even if you like of the people more than the other. And if you don’t care to… remember this is exactly how people felt about you… probably closer to tv characters than their actual friends.

Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. As the person on the other side, the person married to someone with debilitating depression, I also experienced the divorce disease and everyone’s judgments. It’s such a tough time and the people who can’t be there for you when times are tough, really weren’t there for you at any time. Hang in there. Writing can be so healing. You will have new community. You will come out on the other side and be stronger, wiser and better for it.