If you missed it, yesterday I posted about my narcissistic mother’s betrayal. She currently is feigning great concern for my husband’s mother being ill, in spite of knowing the massive amount of abuse the woman has put me through. And, she is flaunting it in my face- when we saw my parents Saturday, my mother kept bringing up his mother’s health,displaying deep concern for her. The only reason she is doing this is to cause me pain, & it is working. Those of you who also have a narcissistic mother know that if I had said anything to her Saturday, she would have portrayed herself the innocent victim of her evil daughter. The worst part is nothing would improve, but most likely it would only get worse.

Since Saturday, I have not been happy at all. I am deeply hurt,& crying easier than usual (normally I cry easily anyway, but this is over the top even for me). The C-PTSD has been flaring up- my head is swimming, anxiety levels are terrible & I had nightmares all night long last night. I can’t remember many details other than being abandoned in them, which tells me my brain is still trying to process what my mother is doing to me.

I also realized this morning that I am grieving. There are five stages of grief..

Denial- denying this is happening. it’s a normal defense mechanism.

Anger- when you feel as if this can’t be happening because you aren’t ready for it. You may be angry at anyone or everyone at this point.

Bargaining- “if only he had seen a doctor sooner!” thoughts invade your mind. Or, “God if you let him live, i’ll do anything you want!”

Depression- sadness becomes almost overwhelming.

Acceptance- accepting what has happened, & beginning to move on.

These stages of grief not only happen when someone you love dies, but they can happen in other areas of life as well. I believe they also can happen during especially painful times, such as what I’m experiencing. When someone goes above & beyond to hurt you, that is horribly painful, but when it is your own mother- the one person who is supposed to love you no matter what- the pain is magnified by 1,000.

So this is why I am grieving right now. When my mother first began her “concern” for my mother in-law, I wasn’t surprised. She has been sending her Christmas cards ever since the first Christmas after I told my parents how bad my mother in-law treated me. However, the constant mentioning her, the “I’m praying she gets better soon”, & then the cookies & card for her were over the top, even by my mother’s standards. It was almost impossible for me to believe she had gone this far at first (stage 1). Once it started sinking in shortly after leaving my parents’ home Saturday, I got angry (stage 2) & stayed angry all during yesterday. By last night, I actually began to wonder if I had done something wrong, something to deserve this from my mother or something that made her behave this way (stage 3). That didn’t last long as anger & then depression (stage 4) kicked in.

Once I thought about this, I realized that I go through this often when my mother pulls some of her antics. Honestly, most of them I am so used to that I only get angry or disgusted that we are going through it again. Even so, sometimes, she surprises me & pulls something so especially painful, it catches me off guard. This is one of those times.

I believe grieving like this to be common, & not only for me, but for all children of a narcissistic parent. if you share similar feelings to mine after dealing with your narcissistic mother, then please be aware of two things:

First, you are not crazy! You are not wrong, nor are you at fault for feeling this way. You are perfectly normal! You are grieving something very painful, & need to be compassionate & gentle with yourself until you have come to terms with the incident. Take care of yourself- pamper yourself, & do things that make you feel good. If you made a comfort box or bag, get it out & enjoy the special items you put inside.

And second, know you are not alone! It isn’t “just you”. Just because your narcissistic mother says nobody else is as bad/crazy/stupid/etc. as you means it is true. She is lying to justify her abuse. Ignore her! She is the one with the problem. There are others like you who understand your pain & will validate you! I am only one of them.

2 responses to “I Realized I Am Grieving”

It really is. I’m not sure why exactly it’s so tough since she has done so many things to me over the years. I’m wondering if that means I’m about ready to cut ties with her. Sometimes that final act that makes you sever ties with someone isn’t their worst offense- it’s simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.

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