just like Moby Dick, but shorter and less whale-oriented.

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Dear Nathan

DEAR NATHAN: My daughter just celebrated her first birthday, and I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my father isn’t a “baby person.” He has tried holding “Krissy” only twice.

Should I talk to him about this, or just let him sit it out and do practically nothing to be a part of his only grandchild’s life? My in-laws are happily involved with Krissy. What do I tell her when she’s old enough to wonder why Grandpa never sees her? — MELANCHOLIC MOM IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MELANCHOLIC MOM IN MICHIGAN: Wow, Melancholic Mom in Michigan. You clearly know your way around alliteration. That’s great to see. Alliteration is a dying art form.

On to the matter at hand. I understand that you would like your dad to be a baby person. It’s always ideal for a grandfather to want to be around his grandchild. It’s the way dozens of families operate every day.

In your father’s defense, though, your daughter is only one. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but babies under the age of one are a bit creepy. Their heads just wobble around freely like they are about to fall off of the body. On top of that head, there is a spot that has not developed bones, so their brain is easily accessible. They cry all the time. Then, once you are able to get over all of this, they will puke on you or make that “Look at me! I’m pooping!” face.

In short, babies can be quite unpleasant to be around.

Now that your child is getting older, maybe things will change. Perhaps slip things into conversation like “Oh, Krissy’s head is completely protected by bones now” or “Krissy lifted her head on her own yesterday because she has neck muscles.” These subtle mentions might change his mind just enough that he will pick up the kid.

Just don’t make him change diapers. That will definitely set the relationship back a few steps.

Happy Grandfather-Granddaughter relationship building,

Nathan

DEAR NATHAN: As I was getting into a hot tub, a woman sitting in it said, “Are you prepared to pay child support?” When I asked what she meant, she replied, “Some women get pregnant from being in a hot tub with a man.” Is that possible? — JON IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

DEAR JON IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA: Uh… I’m going to need a bit more information before we can fully talk about your issue. Why were you randomly getting into a hot tub with a stranger? That seems ill-advised. I’m fairly certain that Ted Bundy used to sit in hot tubs and discuss child support before he became a serial killer.

Of course, I may be misreading the situation. Maybe you two are great friends. You’re hot tub buddies. There’s nothing wrong with that, although if your hot tub buddy is attempting to conceive by sitting in a hot tub, you might need to find new friends.

I would strongly advise that you think back to your seventh grade health class and remember how babies are made. At no point did sharing hot tub water cause this. There was a necessary ingredient in making a baby that, hopefully, your hot tub does not contain.

Happy awkward question asking,

Nathan

DEAR NATHAN: I find it hard to deal with my P.E. teacher. She is rude, mean and she always calls me out. When you need to make a correction on your test, she throws the quiz at you and then you have to pick it up. She is very impatient also. Do you have any advice on how to deal with such a person? — DONE WITH HER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DONE WITH HER IN NORTH CAROLINA: Drop out of school.

Happy ruining your life because of terrible advice you received from a blogger,