Problem-Solvers for Playdates

A toddler playdate is an unpredictable mix of fun and…friction. Here's how to encourage good playing skills and set the stage for playdates.

Your toddler may be a (nearly) perfect angel at home. Your friend says the same about her little guy. So tossing those two and some toys into a room for playdates should be heavenly, right? Not so fast. Toddlers are newbies when it comes to playing skills. Plus, their compassion quotient is pretty low — playmates’ feelings don’t mean much (or anything, really) until toddlers are about 2 years old. Add in their notoriously poor impulse control (as in, “I want the toy, I take the toy”), and you may wonder whether you should consider toddler playdates at all.

Don’t be deterred. Toddlers learn through play, even if playtime includes tantrums over turn-taking or some sharing problems. And besides practicing his playing skills, there are truly important lessons to be learned that’ll serve him well in preschool and beyond. So go ahead — make the call, set it up and then use this guide to solve playdate problems for toddlers:

Manage your expectations. The first playdate may be nothing more than two toddlers seemingly ignoring each other, with a little crying here and there. That’s totally normal for playdates the first time around. You might know that he’ll have fun if he acts friendly to the other dude in the room, but no one gave your kid that memo. And since toddlers don’t exactly exude empathy (a key ingredient for playdates to lead into friendship formation), they’re not likely to become best buds with anyone just yet. But keep it up — the more these “strangers” hang together, the more likely they are to develop playing skills and become playmates as they get the lay of the (toddler friendship) land.

Make sure everyone’s on the same page. Chances are the other mom is as aware of her toddler’s social limitations as you are of your child’s. But if she suggests your critters can be instant best buddies, respond with a chuckle and a gentle-yet-knowing comment like, “Too bad they don’t know how to really play together yet.” As long as she’s not expecting full-blown success the first couple of times, you two can be comrades as you guide the fledgling friends through their potentially prickly playdate.

Don’t force your toddler. Repeated (or loud) resistance is often a toddler’s way of saying, “I’m just not up for this, Mom.” For example, your critter might not be ready to share his space or his toys, so he says he hates the idea of going on a playdate where the playmate has to come over. If that’s the case, try planning the get-together as an “away” date at someone else’s house so your little one doesn’t feel pressured to share. You can also work some solo time into the date should things get tense, or you can always end it if it’s clear there won’t be any sharing that day.

Know your toddler’s trouble spots. Got a grabber? Put some space between the playmates and their playthings. Does your tot love launching toys? Stick to plush playthings in case your pint-sized pitcher doesn’t adhere to your “no throwing” rule. And if there’s a special toy you know he won’t want to share, put it away ahead of time.

From the What to Expect editorial team and Heidi Murkoff, author of What to Expect the Second Year. Health information on this site is based on peer-reviewed medical journals and highly respected health organizations and institutions including ACOG (American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists), CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) and AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics), as well as the What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff.