Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Holiday Easter is by far the most metal holiday. There’s crucifixion, which is so metal, and there’s spears, which are also metal, and then Jesus himself is so metal that he fucks up Hell and then comes back to earth.

Month August is the most metal month because is it the sweatiest month. Sweating is metal; the sweatier you are, the more metal you are.

Planet This is a tricky one. You might think Mars, named for the God of War, would be the most metal planet, or hellish Venus with its silicon skies and 900 degree afternoons that last for three weeks. No: it is Mercury. All the other planets in our system are visitable, but not Mercury: its proximity to the sun (and the sun’s gravity well) makes it impossible for a ship or probe to drop into its orbit. You can’t get there from here; every 88 days, Mercury comes around again and gives us the finger, and that is metal.

War The Crimean, and quite frankly: I’m embarrassed we even had to discuss the matter.

Additionally, “Nicko McBrain” is most metal name a British drummer can have. (I do not make an unconsidered statement: I have thought of Cozy Powell and Phil “Philthy Animal” Taylor.)

Former Soviet satellite Uzbekistan. It has better hair than Tajikistan, and headbangs better than Moldova. Kyrgyzstan is rather metal just because of the name, but Uzbekistan once sucker-punched Danzig, and that is the most metal thing you could ever do.

Guitar The pointier, the metaller.

Henry Rollins Young Henry Rollins was far more metal than old Henry Rollins, as he punched far more people and was sweatier. Also, no matter how good you look with your shirt off, eventually you turn fifty and should stop taking it off.

Elvis Presley Old Elvis is incalculably more metal than Young Elvis. Young Elvis was a bit of a simp and a dullard, but Old Elvis was not just crazy, but he had been crazy for a very long time. Metal.

Fish Sawfish. Look at this bullshit:

As fuck. That’s how metal that is. As fuck. What do those things even do? They’re called teeth, but they don’t look like they’d be any good at toothing. Does it just wave its death-nose in a school of little fish? Whatever: metal.

State Tough one. New Hampshire is in the running, as it’s the only state that has a suicide pact for a slogan. Alaska is very metal, in that it is the most lethal state; most states have areas within them that try to kill people, but all of Alaska wants you dead, plus there’s so damn much of it. While parts of Florida are technically inhabitable, they are all full of terrible monsters who eat people, and also alligators; cannibalism and reptiles are both metal.

Know what, though? I’m going with Nebraska. Nebraska never gets anything: it’s not even the shorthand for boring, that’s Kansas and there’s absolutely no difference between the two places. No love for Nebraska. Not even ire, really; no one ever thinks of it. Dead never played there. I’m giving this one to Nebraska. There you go, buddy. You won something. Proud of you, Nebraska.

Breakfast Runny eggs, toast, and black coffee at the counter of a working-class diner in Reading, PA, on a Tuesday in Febrauary; it may snow later. That shit right there is metal, son.