human tragedies

Mike Huckabee To Become Fat Again

Poor Southern hobo and the 2008 GOP primary’s most potent premature ejaculation, Mike Huckabee, first made waves on the national stage when his fat ass lost hundreds of pounds on some kind of “diet-and-exercise” regimen. He wrote a book about this and most people read it several times. Even through the hectic presidential campaign, Huckabee made sure to run his miles every morning, to preserve that sexy mass of dangling excess skin he had worked so tirelessly to create. But now, he claims, he is so busy criticizing Barack Obama that he has fallen off the wagon and will soon weigh millions of pounds again.

Perhaps the various political experts have urged Huckabee to give up this elitist “skinny” image he loves so much. While it may have helped him get his name in the papers at first, those days are over, and if he’s seriously considering another dash through the Republican primary calendar, base voters will connect more with a fat, sweaty slob.

Here’s what he told the folks at Oklahoma Christian University who came to hear him call Barack Obama a socialist:

Huckabee first gained national attention while he was governor of Arkansas and was admittedly overweight. While in office he began a running and diet regimen that enabled him to lose his extra weight.

He said keeping the weight off has been a struggle recently.

“It’s been hard the last several months because of the crazy schedule and I have had some issues with (feet),” Huckabee said. “It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.”

Weak sauce, Mike. We recommend you read a book called Quit Digging Your Grave With A Knife And Fork by Mike Huckabee. He stresses how important it is, no matter the circumstances, to force yourself to eat healthily and squeeze in exercise time — one small excuse, and it’s a slippery slope! (Well he probably writes something like that in his book, who the hell knows?)

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

Hey Jim, could you please post that sexy Barry photo from last summer and run a poll??? “Who do you want running the country — “Six Pack Abs” or “Ate Six Racks o’Ribs?”

Pretty Please????

Smoke Filled Roommate

He’s had some issues with (feet)? Fatfeet? Eating his feet? wha?

Mad Farmer Manifest

The next picture shows humane society folks using buckets to keep those striped whales wet. Sadly, they didn’t make it. Who wants whale burgers?

Wait, those are human?

Tommmcatt

I like chubbo Huckabee better anyway. Fat jokes are easy.

nightshift

I bet that bench has steel plated reinforcements. And what’s with those striped shirts–are they a barbershop quartet?

mephistopheles jefferson

I wonder why my family never took photos where we all wore the same clothes. I’m hoping it’s because we’re not backwoods corpulent goobers, but it’s probably more likely that it was ‘cuz we all hated each other. Stupid happy Christians.

proudgrampa

[re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Pigs feet?

grendel

That family is an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant’s worst nightmare… He’s hurting the economy and putting restaurant employees out of business! Why doesn’t Mike Huckabee care about the economy or the American worker?

That picture reminds me of nothing so much as awkwardfamilyphotos.com (q.v.)

proudgrampa

[re=362490]mephistopheles jefferson[/re]: My daughter’s inlaws took a picture like that – I think it’s the silliest thing I’ve ever seen.

Joehoya

Dick Morris had some issues with feet, as well — or so I heard.

Bebe Loves You

Wow, how about his sons? Do you supposed they get ridiculed more at school for their clothing or their weight?

SayItWithWookies

“It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road”

What, are the possums more careful crossing at night now?

shortsshortsshorts

Don’t flop over and die of a heart attack just yet, Huck— you need to live long enough to see Sarah Palin DESTROY your party.

you cannot be serious

Didn’t he get fat by eating a preacher?

lochnessmonster

He could say being on the road is akin to being in a food desert and he can’t find any vegetables or fruits in those fancy French restaurants he is forced to eat in by those stinking lobbyists and private fund raising parties the Republicans have in private homes that they make him show up to. If he’d only go see Ste.Sarah in Alaska…she’d get him back runnin’, huntin’, and fishin’!

themcw

Augustus Gloop.

Holding Out for a Hero

[re=362485]WickedWitch[/re]: Seconded!!!

paintitblack

The only thing shrinking in Huck’s world is the area of the country that’s inclined to vote for him. Those sections of the country also serve the most gawd-awful, deep-fried, calorific crap covered in greasy gravy. Hopey can just skip visiting those red-state places & continue stumping in elitist America where healthy food is served. Gimme those six-pack abs, thanks!

Birdcrash

“It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road and not get terribly messed up with the same old habits.”

Come to Pennsylvania, Fat Man. We feature only the freshest road-kill.

Suds McKenzie

I hope he kept that awesome shirt.

ManchuCandidate

The all mighty Obama:

Righteous fools Sanford and Ensign got caught banging women not their wives.
Caribou Barbie spun herself into insanity due to criticism
Walnuts fell off pretty much into obscurity
Huntsman joined the Admin

And now the Huckster’s getting scary fat again. No fat dudes for Prez since Taft. When I think of a fat Southerner politician, I think of Boss Hogg or Jabba The Hutt. Even Clinton had to run his flabby ass off to keep looking “presidential.”

Who’s left?

Ghouliani. If life was fair, he’d be caught with a male hustler dressed as a cop giving him “Ghouliani Time” aka billy club jammed up his ass.
And Mittens. To steal a line from Red Dwarf. Being Mittens is not only his crime, but also his punishment.

Atheist Nun

Well, Hucklefucks might have better luck with his diet if the goddamned chairman of the rNC weren’t suggesting that republicans eat fried chicken and potato salad…

orange

[re=362516]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Seriously. It’s like three fucking demostrations of global lines of latitude.

Obviously the parenthetical is the elitist media “correcting” his totally valid southern dialect. What he actually says was “foots”.

Smoke Filled Roommate

That picture is terrible–give ’em some hats and they’d look like this…

Extemporanus

The new All-You-Can-Eat Panniculus Parmesan Platter™ at Huckabee’s® is really delicious, but for those watching their weight, I’d suggest ordering a Veggie Patch Fupa™ appetizer instead.

A Better American Than YOU

Which one of those adorable Huckabee kids is David, the rascal who killed the stray dog at Scout camp?

Tommmcatt

[re=362499]V572625694[/re]:

Shocked! I am shocked you would use the words “Megan” and “Fat” in the same sentence! Stop your mouth-rape, you!

The word is embonpoint.

Extemporanus

[re=362502]Joehoya[/re]: Mmm…shrimp.

Country Club Jihadi

That photo should be the new standard macular degeneration test, although it might cause acute symptoms from teh grossness.

Uncle Glenny

if he’s seriously considering another dash through the Republican primary calendar,

There’s a Republican primary calendar? Is this like one of those firefighter’s calendars I get every year, with muscled hunks holding big hoses?

Where can I get one?

forgracie

The Fuller family.

Todd Mecklem

[re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Orrin Hatch has been binding Huckabee’s feet with rawhide and force-feeding him. Don’t ask why, it’s part of a secret CIA program. Oh, hell, let’s get it out in the open: it’s burgerboarding.

“It’s a constant struggle to find decent things to eat on the road…” Yeah, because why buy a banana or apple when you stop in at the local 7-11 when you can buy the loaded foot-long & cheese-covered pretzel along with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, a case of Ho Hos & a liter of diet Coke to wash it down.

Autochthon

[re=362529]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: Well, dang, his mom’s STRANGLIN’ a dog right there in that photo. Pro’ly fixin’ supper – her boys get kinda…cranky…when not fed reg’lar…..

problemwithcaring

[re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Can’t see his feet. He doesn’t know if they are still there.

hobospacejunkie

What’s the big fuckin’ deal, bitch? Huck huckety huck huck huck.

Sophisticated Huck said “pig’s trotters,” but the minimun wage stringer ain’t never heard o’ that English delicacy, so we get feet instead. Pig’s trotters ain’t just a dog’s chew toy no more. Also, needs more roadkill.

Smoke Filled Roommate

[re=362489]nightshift[/re]: you beat me to it, d’oh!

[re=362538]Todd Mecklem[/re]: lolz

Crank Tango

[re=362538]Todd Mecklem[/re]: Oh I was thinking it was a new GOPer thing called foldfucking. It’s not gay if you’re just fucking another man’s gut-folds, with two or three of your closest prayer buddies even, also, additionally.

Min

I feel hypocritical making fun of fat people, but I am quite willing to ridicule bad clothing, and those striped shirts look like surplus from some Cold War era mind control experiment.

Uncle Glenny

[re=362555]Crank Tango[/re]: Actually, a relatively new translation of the Pentateuch says otherwise – it is exactly foldfucking (thank you for the term!) which is prohibited in Leviticus.

Joshua Norton

We’ll take 19 orders of fried anything, please. Extra mayo.

paulcrik

During the premature ejaculation phase of the 2008 campaign, I couldn’t look at Mike Huckabee without thinking to myself how it was that Gomer Pyle was running for president. One of his sons looks a lot like the late John Candy, too. The men in the family definitely need to have their weight mediated before it becomes a more severe health issue. We shouldn’t give anyone too much of a hard time for their weight though. If he slimmed down from the balloon weight in the picture, that’s impressive. I’d even say he’s Killin’ It!

Hooray For Anything

[re=362557]Min[/re]: I think the matching outfits, especially the striped shirts, makes the family look like either some folk group in the early 60’s or a wholesome pop band in the 70’s. You know, they could be “the Huckabees!” or “The Singing Fatsos” and they’d sing something like:

Hello, world, here’s a song that we’re singin’,
c’mon get fatty
A whole lotta Jesus’ is what we’ll be bringin’,
c’mon get fatty

Joshua Norton

One of his sons looks a lot like the late John Candy, too

One of his sons looks a lot like he ate John Candy, too.

Fixt.

Bearbloke

[re=362520]Atheist Nun[/re]: HOW DARE YOU insult the Gracious BOUNTY of The Lord!

How dare you insult those plump, pink, pious Hucklebeariees who are blessed – YEA, BLESSED to be invited to The Lord’s Table, abundant with the excesses of His Divine Grace, right there before you, platter after platter, forever and ever, awash in the Goodness and the Gravy of down-home, deep-fried, super-sized, salt-cured, corn-syrup-sweetened Heaven-scent God-is-Lovin’-from-the-oven SALVATION!AMEN!! Somebody say Hallelujah and pass the biscuits!!

Smoke Filled Roommate

[re=362570]Hooray For Anything[/re]: The Family Fuckles Good Time Jug Band Revue

Min

Has anyone seen the family dog lately?

Mad Farmer Manifest

[re=362540]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: The Diet Coke prevents you from getting fat. You can eat a whole bucket of lard, but wash it down with DIET Coke: zero calories for the whole meal.

Mad Farmer Manifest

The daughter looks like she is pained to be surrounded by so many tubby dipshits. She probably moved to California to date girls after high school.

El Pinche

Breaking News: Mike Huckabee will hold a press conference stating that he had multiple affairs with triple meat Western Cheeseburgers. Also, he admits crossing the line with biggie sized french fries.

Mahousu

There’s a bizarre bit at the end of the article:

Huckabee’s arrival in Oklahoma didn’t come without a few hiccups. When he arrived in Oklahoma City from New York City he was informed his luggage had been sent to Minneapolis by mistake.

Upon arrival here, Huckabee was forced to borrow some cowboy boots to wear from his daughter’s boyfriend to the OCU campus.

No luggage, and all he borrows are boots? Is that all he wore to the talk? Is OCU some kind of nudist school?

I knew those boys looked familiar. I simply failed to recognize them from the front and without those little propeller beanies!

I love these guys!

El Pinche

[re=362585]Bearbloke[/re]: Forks and knives? I don’t blame him for embellishing a bit.

I guess the original title wasn’t as catchy:Quit Drowning yourself in the Huckabee Family Trough

Smoke Filled Roommate

[re=362583]Mahousu[/re]: He strutted onstage with his pre-Fupa almost covering up his tiny Huckadick.

TRZA

I thought vertical stripes were supposed to be slimming. And good grief, are those elbow pads? On a shirt??

imissopus

I cannot believe we’re this deep into the thread and no one has called for blingee.

ElRat

Wow. Look who’s coming to dinner. I don’t think I can afford any fat nasties in this recession.

imissopus

“Sir, would you like a thin mint?”

“Fuck off, I’m full.”

“Oh but sir, it is wafer-thin…”

“All right. And bring me another bucket!”

finallyhappy

elbow pads, knee pads- we know what it means

assistant/atlas

Did I miss the part when he was thin?

GreatWhiteSnark

Fat, thin, fat…does that make him a yo-yo hobo?

El Pinche

[re=362598]imissopus[/re]: if blingee came out with a wide screen version.
Is it fat jokes all night? Can we mix it up with partially live-blogging Palin’s twattering? We might miss a good Lamar Alexander quote.

S.Luggo

Stately, plump Mike Huckabee came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of French fries on which a fork and knife lay crossed. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:
— Introibo ad altare Dei.

Mike Huckabee, stood on a stone, in blue-striped shirtsleeves, his unclipped tie rippling about his wide neck.
A voice, sweettoned and sustained, called to him from the steakhouse. Turning from the cashier he waved his hand. It called again. A browned pot roast, far out beyond the salad bar..

Usurper.

WadISay

[re=362529]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: They say his shadow once killed a dog.

smellyal8r

[re=362489]nightshift[/re]: Looks like a sale on circus tents! I didn’t know they made stripes that big…Yowch.

S.Luggo

[re=362611]S.Luggo[/re]: Change, “stood on a stone” to “stood in line”.
Meh.

goodluck/badluck

so much for vertical stripes

Joshua Norton

I thought vertical stripes were supposed to be slimming.

So they say. But in this case, the unfortunate strobe effect caused by such a large amount of striped yardage sort of fills 3/4 of the picture and makes them even look more, um, Rubinesque.

Joshua Norton

[re=362611]S.Luggo[/re]: James Joyce’ ghost will get you for that.

S.Luggo

[re=362503]Bebe Loves You[/re]:
The sons are there to balance Huck’s platform.
And the wife? Time to takey uno trippo to land of the gouchos, Mikester.

PsycGirl

[re=362504]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That comment put my keyboard in terrible danger. But fear not, there is a bottomless pit of possums in the South. A large underground factory makes them and hurls them into the periphery of wooded areas so they can plunder garbage bags.

Are you sure the picture isn’t really of a mediocre bluegrass band? Shouldn’t they be wearing straw hats?

The Huckster ended his speech at Oklahoma Christian University with, “The deaf shall hear, the lame shall walk, the blind shall see*, but only if they have private insurance.”
I just luvs them fundies. True Christians.

*Acts 3:1-11.

karen

holy fat fuckers…

El Pinche

[re=362631]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Haha, i like the baby in the bucket and ….MJ ghost ! woooooooooo!

S.Luggo

[re=362631]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Where?

Job 30:1 “But now those younger than I mock me …”
You now in deep kimgee.
— M.H.

LoweredPeninsula

My lord! I wonder how large a carbon footprint that family creates? I’m sure if you set in a small room with just one of them you’d preclude the need for home heating. You put all the fat-fucks in one place and you could damn-near start a raging inferno.

BTW, I don’t feel any sympathy for the boys, who are animal torturers.

S.Luggo

[re=362638]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: Correction. Only one of his sons tortured a stray dog. The other ate it, with a side of cream slaw and a Diet Doctor Pepper.
Please be accurate.

Do these subgeniuses have a definition of “socialist”? Something more rigorous than “I don’t like it, it must be SOCIALIST!!” Real socialists whom I know do not accept Obamarama as a bro. (Haven’t asked yet at the World Socialist Web Site, but I’ll bet they don’t think bailing out banks is “socialist,” either.

Zhu Bajie, enjoying life in sorta-socialist China

chascates

He’s gaining weight to take on Haley ‘Boss Hogg’ Barbour for the 2012 GOP race.

zhubajie

[re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Can’t he afford a stationary bike? Or get his supporters to buy him one? Maybe even a real bike?

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie

[re=362486]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Can’t he afford a stationary bike? Or get his supporters to buy him one? [re=362503]Bebe Loves You[/re]: Maybe even a real bike?

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie

[re=362503]Bebe Loves You[/re]: Another reason for home-schooling.

LoweredPeninsula

[re=362639]S.Luggo[/re]: Duly noted.

karen

@zhubajie

None of them understand socialism or communism theoretically. It’s all just RED SCARE, LITTLE RED BOOKS, COLLECTIVIZATION!! AHHHHHHHH THERE GOES MY PRIVATE COLLECTION OF BEANIE BABIESSSSSS! Into the backyard furnace with them!

I think that most conservatives oppose *new* socialist programs (let’s not forget public education and firefighters are supported through taxes) simply because they’ll be helping people. This is why we cant have nice things.

Bearbloke

[re=362644]Uncle Glenny[/re]: Rident stolidi verba Latina…

Joshua Norton

Can’t he afford a stationary bike?

Any bike he got on would instantly become a stationary bike.

RenewalClock

I’m sorry but that shirt is hideous. The pads on the elbows. Come on Mike!

Poor Mike. Doesn’t he know that Jesus hates fat people?
In the Book of Moraneus 34:9-17:

There was no wine, no bread in the village.
Jesus commanded his disciples, “Bring forth the village fatty.”
His disciples came back with a large man.
Jesus spoke, “Daaaayam , now we know where all the food is going….outeth this man’s arse.”
He then laid his hand on the obesite and turned him into fried chicken and potato salad.
“Anyone got tabisco sauce up in this bitch?! ”

Praise be to God.

contentsunderpressure

House Harkonnen will soon need suspensor belts to haul all that lard to the table. Or a pallet jack.

Hate to double post but is Madame Huckabee strangling that dog/muppet thing in her lap?

Smoke Filled Roommate

[re=362701]Gallowglass[/re]: I guess it depends on just how much you want to wipe your ass.. Given the design, I think a cheap imitation could be made with a paint roller and a roll of paper towels. [shudder]

Bostonian_Queer_in_Dallas

The son in the center is really scary looking. I mean truly frightening.

nightshift

[re=362580]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: I bet the daughter is a wild slut. I have seen Footloose, so I know all about those wild preacher’s daughters and their sexytime.

[re=362583]Mahousu[/re]: “Upon arrival here, Huckabee was forced to borrow some cowboy boots to wear from his daughter’s boyfriend to the OCU campus.”

Alas, you’re reading that sentence as if written: “Upon arrival here, Huckabee was forced to borrow some cowboy boots from his daughter’s boyfriend to wear to the OCU campus.” The original clearly implies a “from point A” [daughter’s boyfriend] “to point B” [OCU campus] trajectory. One can only imagine the frisky shenanigans between the daughter’s boyfriend and Huckabee that involved the forced wearing of cowboy boots.

finallyhappy

[re=362674]El Pinche[/re]: I could pray to that. Amen, Amen, PTL!

frumious_bandersnatch

[re=362519]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Excellent. I will now always and forever associate Mittens with Rimmer. Which is as it should be.

nbawriter

What’s the difference between this case and all the other cases of Republicans screaming at us to follow the Ten Commandments and avoid the Seven Deadly Sins, then going home to pick them off one by one?

on the road? gaining it all back again?? clearly, a sign he’s addicted to spectravision porn and room service

Atheist Nun

[re=362573]Bearbloke[/re]:
Colonel Harland Sanders is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in a Pre-Fab Chicken Franchise:
He leadeth me beside the Soft Drink Machine.
He restoreth my Comfort Food at Affordable Prices:
He leadeth me in the paths of Mashed Potatoes and Gravy for His name’ sake.

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Souplantation,
I will fear no evil: For thee 11 Secret Herbs and Spices art with me;
Thy plastic Spork and thy Deep Fryer, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a Chicken and Biscuit KFC Famous Bowl™ before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with Trans Fats; My cup runneth over.

Surely Extra Crispy and Original Recipe shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in The International House of Pancakes forever. Amen.

PRAISE THE COLONEL AND PASS THE AMMUNITION!

PlanetWingnuta

his whole family looks like they need to go on the biggest loser…and oh i know the pun the pun of it all!