Manny Ramirez: A God Amongst Men (Satire)

Manny Aristides Ramirez Onelcida. You gotta love the guy. He’s quite possibly the best baseball player who ever lived.

Scratch that. He IS the best ever. Period. Believe me, I’ve watched tape of most, if not all, baseball players who ever lived and I’ve come to that conclusion. His outstanding accomplishments on and off the field for his organization, his fans, his hometown, and the media scream nothing less than martyr.

Now you might say, “Well wait a minute, Brandon, just wait. Just wait a minute, here. Wait. Hold on. Woah there. What about all those ‘Manny being Manny’ jabs on SportsCenter? And all those crazy shenanigans he gets into? What about that?”

I say forgive the man. He’s a god, obviously. What may seem like flaws in his personality are actually pre-planned blessings upon us mere mortals. For example, Mr. Ramirez takes bathroom breaks DURING the game—his blazing speed and focus need NOT be affected by his overacting bladder. Dedication.

He takes cell phone breaks behind the Green Monster. Sometimes you need to communicate with your fans, you know, get a perspective from their point of view. That’s who I bet he’s calling. Always asking what he needs to do to better himself and keep his billions of fans happy. Conscientiousness.

Who knows who he decides to phone during Terry Francona’s visits to the mound? It’s not important. If it were, he’d let us in on it. We are not worthy of such knowledge, plain and simple.

And do you SEE how he hustles out there on every play? I’ve never seen an athlete more hardworking. Ever. Were he without the dreadlocks, no fly ball would ever safely fall to the ground. It's kind of like Superman on speed.

What a guy. He even comes up with a “family emergency” prior to Spring Training so that the other players may grow a feeling of comradery within the clubhouse. That’s special right there. Allowing a team room for growth and unity at the same time. Pardon, I’m getting a little choked up.

So for all you people who say “Manny may be bad for baseball,” or “Manny needs to try a little harder sometimes,” well friends, that’s how you earn a one-way ticket to Hell. That’s blasphemy. You’re cruel-minded, wicked, unknowing, and if you were a Boston secretary named Jack I’d shove you to the ground.

Manny is the ultimate human being, whom every person should aspire to be. We can’t, but it’s fair to dream. God bless baseball but most importantly, God bless Manny Ramirez.