5 Reasons Being a Male Porn Star Is Less Fun Than It Looks

Porn stars have it made. On the surface, "have sex with beautiful people for money" sounds like a no-brainer, but while it can be a "dream," not enough people put emphasis on the "job" part. Cracked sat down with Lance Hart, veteran porn star, pornographer, and all around porn-type guy, to get the lowdown on getting down for a camera. Here's what we learned:

#5. The Awesome Parts of Sex Are NOT Fun to Film

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Normal sex is about two people enjoying each other's bodies. Porn is all about looking right on camera, and that means some auteur is posing you to get the most artistic value out of your thrusting buttocks, even if you end up having doggy sex at an angle no human would ever choose to fuck in. For the woman, this often means that penis is pounding directly into parts of the vagina not meant to be pounded.

Ceridwen/Wiki CommonsYou're smashing into spots that shouldn't be touched without stirrups, a speculum, and four years of medical school.

But hey, the suck hits both genders. Deep throating is not always awesome. If a girl's going down on you for a scene, she's going to be at it for a long time. We're still filming a movie, and it's a universal rule that nothing worthwhile gets filmed quickly. So she gets tired, and eventually you start feeling molars on the head of your dick. The viewer wants to see you jackhammering her throat with your dick, so you're basically ramming your cock into teeth. Getting paid to receive oral sex is basically like getting your dick chewed on for an hour.

cokacoka/iStock/Getty ImagesEven gum calls it quits after 20 minutes.

Also, lube gets on everything. I'm talking absolutely every part of your body and beyond. I shoot in my apartment a lot (phrasing), and now every doorknob has lube on it. On a hardwood floor, it's like black ice: My cats slip and go flying across the oiled-up wood on an hourly basis. (At least I sure hope that's lube.)

#4. There Are Crazy Double Standards

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I do gay and straight porn, which makes me a little bit of a unicorn (screwnicorn?). In my industry, I'm what they call a "crossover," which can be a bad thing. Since I'm a crossover, I'm on a "never work with that dude" list for many female porn models. It's all because the straight side and the gay side have different standards of STI testing. Models in straight porn often do not wear condoms, but the STI testing is rigorous and provides a safety net around our genitals. In gay porn, we always wear condoms for anal scenes. Any productions that film anal without condoms are in their own super extra separate world of gay porn with their own extremely rigorous STI testing methods (also very safe, but separate from the rest of the gay porn biz). So the straight side thinks the gay side is weird, and the gay side thinks the straight side is weird, and everybody thinks the vores are weird (because they're weird).

Another thing: The condom law that recently got passed is a hot topic, in exactly the sort of way condoms usually aren't. If you live in California and you voted on it, what you read on the ballet was "Do you think sex workers should have to wear condoms?" It's like "Should kids learn how to read?" Of course! But then there's the reality of it: Say a girl's doing a typical shoot with a guy. It'll wind up as 10 minutes of porn after editing, but it's gonna take four hours to film. And if you've ever had sex with a condom for four hours, congratulations on your nerve-deadened penis! Now apologize to your partner, because condoms are rough. Abrasive. They cause tiny microscopic tears in the vagina. You're running around after your marathon sex-epic high-fiving strangers on the street, but keep in mind that you basically just spent the runtime of Return of the King lightly sanding your partner's genitals.

IPGGutenbergUKLtd/iStock/Getty Images"Shit, hold up. I forgot to do the epilogues too."

#3. Anal Sex Scenes Are Difficult

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You might eyeball a guy's dong and think "He's not that big," and then he puts it in your ass and you realize just how large the head is. Here's a bit of folksy wisdom: You never know what something's going to feel like in your butt until it goes in your butt. There you go, kids: That's the new YOLO.

Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty ImagesFeel free to use that for your next inspirational tattoo.

Also, it's like Miss Manners always said: If you're shooting an anal scene, you've got to clean out your butt first. And buttholes can be, well ... buttholes. So after an hour of filming, you've digested your breakfast, and ... long story short, you've got to clean it out again. The best way to do that is with an enema. I was having a lot of anal one day thanks to two girls with strap-ons, and while I was in the bathroom cleaning out my butt, I saw James Franco next to me washing his hands. Apparently he was making some sort of art film in the same building. Someone walked by and said, "Hey, Mr. Franco!" I wanted to shake his hand, but ... butt.

I told the story to my friend, and he was like, "James Franco saw you naked?"