Catholic Church launches special condoms for special use

Vatican City. In a complete U-turn on the issue of contraception, the Catholic Church has announced collaboration with condom manufacturer Phallusy to produce a contraceptive for “exceptional circumstances”.

“We’re OK with the Pope now,” says Phallusy CEO Arun Chopra, “he didn’t see the truth in our message for a long time, but we’re hoping this is his Damascene conversion.” However, Chopra did admit that the product was, like the Catholic Church, highly “unorthodox”, and not to his “personal taste”.

The product, named “The Sheath of St. Michael”, is a single condom with the inscription “for missionary position only” on the shaft. It is mounted in a glass fronted box with a hammer attached to the side.

“We had some guidance from the Church,” said Chopra, “they wanted ‘special protective features’ like the sticker on the glass,” he adds, pointing to a red warning sticker reading: “Immorally Aroused? A) Think of Mass B) Think of Mother Teresa C) If all else fails, break the glass, may God be with you!”

The latest product will soon be available for purchase all across the world

Retailing at Rs.2000 it is by far the most expensive brand on the market. “It is expensive,” admits Negri, “but we have a unique selling point; our condoms are blessed with holy water… the lubricant of the angels.”

“I’ve never blessed a condom before!” said Father Michael O’Neil, with holy water spray in hand, “I normally do the usual stuff like telling three year olds about hell and exorcising evil spirits from pets.”

Father Negri eventually conceded that the price tag was part of the Church’s “sinner pays” principle.

The rubber itself is of quadruple thickness and badly lubricated. “It is perfect to defend those involved from arousal,” said Negri, “consequently it is also good protection from extreme temperatures and impacts. We may sell them to sportsmen as ‘extra protection’. Do you have the Sachin fellow’s phone number?”

“The Sheath of St. Michael” aims to offer customers a complete package, however, some customers are less than enamored with the telephone hotline offering customer service on the product.

“I called it after we used the thing,” says David, “but it was quite upsetting. I couldn’t help it. I just get these immoral feelings.” Our correspondent called the hotline and was called a “dirty boy” and advised to repent, go to confession, tie himself into his boxer shorts, join the priest hood and “never, ever, ever, do ‘it’ again”.

“We are not Anne Summers”, said Negri, “our ‘underwear’ is strictly practical and we don’t want to encourage this sort of thing. We see the product as akin to a life ring, parachute or a fire extinguisher… actually a fire extinguisher is a very practical solution to combating this lust problem. Just ask my choirboys.”

The move by the Church has largely been welcomed, and people have expressed hope that it did not meet the same fate as the one conceived by the pro-contraception Church of England, which recently shelved plans to introduce its own condom range after research showed that nobody in the congregation had had sex since 1970.

Several Indian gurus have also announced intentions to launch similar products. Rajneesh Osho’s ashram plans to launch his own brand of condom, available in boxes of 300, while Swami Nithyananda’s ashram was too excited to comment.