Vampire Academy Movie Review

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The tagline for the young adult fantasy thriller Vampire Academy is "They Suck at School." The movie takes a broader approach: it sucks everywhere and anything, and not in a good way.

Featuring some of the worst writing and acting I've seen in a major motion picture in years (and yes, this takes into account the horrendous Legend of Hercules, which I watched just a couple weeks ago), Vampire Academy is an embarrassingly bad movie that even makes the Twilight franchise look like a masterpiece.

Director Mark Waters (Mean Girls and Freaky Friday) and older brother and screenwriter Daniel Waters (Heathers, Hudson Hawk, Batman Returns and Demolition Man) mailed this one, though it appears the source material didn't offer a whole lot to work with. The plot is nearly incomprehensible, and at best simply boring; I won't go into detail other than to say that there are three types of vampires (we know this because the opening narration tells us) and some of them go to a school where everyone hates each other, there is lots of teenage angst and... well, it doesn't really matter.

Even the most indiscriminate of teenage girls will struggle to find something to like in Vampire Academy. The very first scene is painfully bad and it only gets worse from there, the clunky dialogue so awkward and mind-numbing I quickly wanted to drive a stake through my own heart. The action comes in short bursts, and when it does it lacks any form of suspense, let alone choreography. The teen drama also pales in comparison to other young adult tales, perhaps because every character is so bland and forgettable.

Zoey Deutch stars as the main protagonist, but if she was cast for her acting abilities and not her bosom I'd be stunned. Then again, not even Meryl Streep could do much with what's offered in Vampire Academy, so I'll hold my judgment.

Vampire Academy will suck your soul long before you see any blood-sucking. It's best to leave this one in the grave.