This seems to be a hot topic in the poly community lately. I’m not sure I understand what the issue is.I just read an article to make sure that I understood the issue that people are having, and I still don’t get it. There are all kinds of poly and just because you go into it as a couple, and make decisions as a couple, doesn’t make it a ‘wrong’ kind of poly.

Yes, there are advantages to being a couple and then bringing other people in. For us, we try to be as honest about what we are looking for as possible. Sometimes it’s a person to date together, sometimes separately. And anyone I date, needs to know that my husband comes first. Is that wrong? It may be hurtful if the other person has low self-esteem or abandonment issues. But, is it ‘wrong’? Do we have to change who we are and how we deal with our poly relationships? I don’t think so.

I hear a lot of ‘what about the other people’? The third that you bring in? Ok. What about it? If we are up front with what we are looking for and what we have available to offer after a lot of soul searching, is it our fault if they decide it’s not what they want and expect us to change? This has happened a couple of times to us. It’s unfortunate.I’ve had someone tell me it’s because I’m part of a couple that I can’t see what I wrong with this. OK. Well, I’m also a third to someone that is married and they work their relationship the same way. Their marriage with children is primary. I am second. Yes, he loves me and I’m his partner and he tries to make things fair to me, but it’s a different relationship than what he has with his wife.

There’s nothing wrong with that. I knew this going in. And if I want more than what is being offered, it’s my choice to stay or go. Same with those that join us; together or individually. Poly relationships are never going to be 100% fair. What would even be the point of that? And what does ‘fair’ even mean in this situation.I’m starting to think that I’m in the minority with this thinking, at least vocally. How I see people live is very different. Rarely do I see poly pods that are 100% equal and ‘fair’.

I’m ok with being part of a couple that is limited in what they have to offer to others. And I’m ok with being a girlfriend to a married guy that puts his marriage first. Do I get privileges? Sure. Do they get privileges, sure.

I just finished the article and nope, I still don’t get what the issue is. Yes, I understand that in society a married couple gets more privileges than say, a triad; with banks, hospitals, even hotels. But, within relationships, people are allowed to set up how they want to do relationships. I actually think it’s a little rude for a new person to come in and then think that everything should automatically shift to make them an equal in the relationship. We’ve had that happen before too. It doesn’t work that way. Or maybe for some people it does, but not in my experience.

And it fees a little rude to assume what that newer person is looking for as well. To assume that they will have an issue with the couple having different responsibilities, etc. etc., means we are thinking for them. Instead get to know the person first. And to everyone, if it doesn’t work, follow your feet. Easier said than done, I know. But, in the end, if something doesn’t work for us then we have to make the choice to stay or go. And if we decide to stay, we need to be ok with not being able to change people or situations.

All in all, to assume that one way is wrong and one way is right just has that elitist feel. Monogamous isn’t better. Poly isn’t better. Certain types of poly aren’t better or worse than others. We are all different and therefore it makes sense that there are different ways of doing poly. Build what works for you and if it works, live it. If you meet someone that does it differently, and it’s not a fit, don’t judge, move on.

*Edit - I was part of a poly panel today…..and 8/9ths of the panel were part of a couple that then opened their marriage.