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7 Tips on How to be an Asshole

Like most people, I’ve had my fair share of experiences with people who are either temporarily acting like assholes or who are full-time assholes. So I started to wonder, what is it about these people and their behaviour that lends them the term asshole? And if I want to become one, how do I go about it?

After careful observation of various assholes in my immediate environment, I’ve come up with some helpful hints on how to live up to your potential and become the ultimate asshole!

1) Listening? Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Why listen to someone when they speak to you when you could be doing something else? More important things you could be doing include: reading pointless news articles on your smart phone, texting, looking at your Facebook timeline, thinking about how great you and your many accomplishments are, or thinking of the next thing you’ll say about yourself.

Options here include ignoring people outright, talking over others or you can go the more cautious route of “pretend-listening”. To do this, make sure you nod and “mmm” at appropriate moments to give the talker the sense that you are indeed listening. If you happen to find yourself mildly interested in anything that doesn’t revolve around you, ensure you think and/or talk about yourself for a full 15 minutes. This is a sure fire way to ensure all memory of the previous conversation will mysteriously disappear like an unwanted wart. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. If the talker mentions that conversation again simply pretend you’ve completely forgotten it ever happened.

2) Dismiss, dismiss, dismiss!

Why care about other people’s opinions, feelings and experiences when you can completely disregard them? If you want to be an asshole, it’s essential that when you do listen to other people you make your own beliefs, feelings and experiences stand above theirs. Try saying things like “that’s only your perception”, “that’s what you believe” and “your thinking is faulty”. Be sure to make up stories about what really happened by distorting events to make them suit yourself (and to make yourself look good!). Remember, your version events is the one and only truth.

3) Arrogance is bliss

You can’t be an asshole without a serious helping of arrogance. Whenever there are ears around to listen, make sure you talk about yourself and your many admirable traits and accomplishments. Remember, everything you’ve done is amazing and the people need to know it! Be it the way you manage to complete normal everyday tasks, such as cleaning and remembering to get all the items on the grocery list to larger events, such as going to work and exercising. If you have to interrupt others, so be it. They have nothing important to say anyway.

4) Apologising is for sissies

Never apologise. You haven’t ever done anything wrong, so why would you? If you want to maximise your level of asshole you might find it useful to apologise occasionally while still utilising the tools of blame. For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry I behaved inappropriately” try saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” to move the blame from yourself to your victim. This way, you can be the better person while still being in no way responsible for any hurt caused.

5) Personal responsibility? What’s that?

Why take responsibility for yourself when you don’t have to? Everything bad that happens to you is a matter of events outside yourself that you could in no way control. If you can’t be bothered completing tasks at your job, doing your chores or exercising, think of a convenient excuse as to why you were unable to do it. Blaming others, becoming a martyr, and cultivating a mild ailment that randomly afflicts you are helpful tools to avoid taking responsibility. However, when good things happen, make sure you always take full responsibility for them.

6) Minimise, deny and blame!

If you don’t already have a slogan, this should be it. Minimise other people’s opinions, thoughts, feelings and experiences as being irrelevant or convoluted (see tip 2 above). Deny any accusations that you have done anything wrong or that you have negative character traits. Always blame others for how they feel, how you behave towards them and for anything that could or does go wrong.

7) You’re the expert!

Most successful assholes are like walking encyclopedias! If you have any experience doing anything whatsoever, make sure you exaggerate excessively. Plus, you can base your knowledge on anecdotes you’ve heard from friends and “trusted sources”. If you believe it, it must be true!

I’d love to know, what are some of your tips on how to become an asshole?

Couple more:
Are people against your wishes or are not kissing your ass enough? Make sure to turn every common friend and family member against them until they do. Make sure you do everything in your power: exaggerate, manipulate, lie, spill out secrets…use your imagination.

Call a friend or family member and speak for 20 minutes without pausing. Then when they start talking say “I got to go” and hang up. Do this EVERY-SINGLE-TIME you call them.

Never bring money to outings with friends. Suggest expensive menu items, drinks and activities. Make sure you never ever offer to pay the tab in case you do “remember” to bring your wallet.

Humiliate your friends or significant other in front of other friends, family or even strangers.

Wow, spot on! Especially the part about moving the blame from yourself to the victim. Saying “I’m sorry you see it that way” or something similar is so characteristic of an asshole.
Also I should add: I’m an asshole because really deep down I am a deeply wounded, severely insecure and terrified individual. Assholes are F’ed up people

Well, you could try being completely inconsiderate, self-absorbed and oblivious and blaming these things and your behaviors that result from them on a mental illness. If you really wanna do it up right, you could also either refuse to take or abuse the prescription meds you are given to control this illness.

Liberty, I’ve been taking meds for a while now, and to be honest, being an asshole is way more relieving than doing meds and waiting for the anxiety and depression and etc. crap that continously bother you to end.

Not that being an asshole is good.. I’m just saying I’d rather be myself/”normal” than being a depressed lil shithole.

You my goid sir are right, but I mean seriously. I figured all of this out back in elementary school. I mean common. Being an asshole is basically second nature to me at this point. To be fair you did point out a few minor details but I mean they are all rudimentary skills that every asshole has already mastered. However, I digress. For all of you out there looking to becoming an accomplished asshole like me, and for that one guy not really reading, playing bejewele, shot for the stars. It will be more fun when I kick you back into the dirt.

Yes I meet 4 of the 7 criteria for being an asshole! I mean oh shit maybe I should change my ways. I am really 7 for 7 sometimes. My sincerest apology comes out when I say, “I am sorry you feel ….” I am an asshole and I see myself as giving and helpful, maybe that’s why I don’t have many friends. And I am sorry for your limited intelligence, you are all worthless pond scum compared to me. Oh and we succumb well to flattery. I think to myself, yeah that’s right finally someone agrees with me. I always said focus on what your good at knowledge is power, let me embrace this asshole me and observe him. Thank you for the brilliant article, now I will cry as I remember and relive all my asshole moments and come up with new ways to handle assholeness.