Some Prison Advice For Lindsay Lohan

I don’t usually write about, and certainly never to, celebrities, but in the case of Lindsay Lohan, an exception must be made. By all accounts, she’s very nervous about going to jail. Now, I’ve never been to prison myself, but a dear friend of mine was and I used to quiz him about it mercilessly…how did he survive it? what do you do there?…that kind of thing. I’d like to pass on what he told me to Ms. Lohan.

First, and even though it’s not his real name, we’ll call him Roy because, well, that’s what everyone calls him. Anyway, the first thing Roy told me you gotta do Lindsay, like, the very first time you walk into the yard, is, as Roy said, “Go up to the biggest ugliest motherfucker you can find and start a fight. You’ll get your ass kicked, but you’ll also earn respect.” Good advice and well worth heeding, Lindsey. Find the biggest bull-dike biker chick you can and get into it with her. It may get a few months tacked onto your sentence and you may lose a few teeth, but in the long run, it’s worth it. You can afford whatever plastic surgery or dental work you’ll need once you’re out.

Second, Roy said to always, whenever you can at least, keep a towel with you. Towels are important when someone’s trying to stick you with a sharpened toothbrush handle- you know, a shiv. You can quickly wrap it around your forearm to absorb the jabs, use it to deflect their aim or, if the worst happens, you can stuff it in the wound to staunch the bleeding.

Oh yeah, if you do go down and they start stomping you, remember: curl up onto your back (you wanna avoid kidney and spine kicks) and into a ball, arms and knees up if you can, elbows locked together in front of your face, forearms against your temples and fingers interlocked around your neck. And try to take comfort in the fact that the guards usually respond in less than a minute or two, so it won’t go on forever. It just seems like it.

Now, you’ve got a lot of money and fame- and this is both good and bad. On the upside, you can buy protection, but of course, the downside is that everyone who’s seen your movies will want a piece of you (Hell, I haven’t seen anything you’ve done and even I want to kick your ass), so you gotta be ready for that.

Also remember to never, ever, refer to yourself or any other prisoner as an “inmate”. As Roy said, ” ‘Inmates’ are people in fuckin mental institutions…I was a ‘Con’. In other words, a “Convict”. It’s a matter of self respect, so keep it in mind.

And don’t worry too much about the stories you hear about ground glass in your food or any of that stuff…Roy said it very rarely happens. Apparently, it’s just too hard to make sure it gets to you, but remember to brush off your mattress before you lay down on it and shake out your sheets.

Now, ink. At some point, if you can get hooked up with the right people, you’re gonna need a few tattoos. None of this ‘FU’ manicure shit. We’re talking about gangs here. You should probably avoid the whole, “Blood in, blood out” gang thing and stay on the periphery if you can. But at some point you’ll have to choose what’s best for your situation. And you’ll have to get marked. This is helpful if you get transferred a lot so the right people know who you’re with. But try to avoid shit on your neck and face though…don’t get an ‘SS‘ done on your throat above your collar-line or anything like that. It’s better to shave your head and put something there; that way, when you do get out, you can let your hair grow over it. Also, when you re-offend, you can shave again and be ready for it. And try to get them to use a name brand pen like a Bic…the ink’s a little better…less heavy metals and shit. And burn the needle with a match to sterilize it first.

Oh yeah, Roy said some guys try to get into solitary to avoid the hazards of gen-pop, but it’s not always a great idea. It takes a certain kind of person to handle it and you don’t seem like the type. Plus, you really gotta fuck someone up to get there and it could add a lot of time to your sentence.

Well, I guess that’s it. There’s a lot more, but Roy wouldn’t, or just plain couldn’t, talk about it…the showers and all. Don’t complain to the guards, don’t rat anyone. Keep your head down and just get through it. Don’t whine or cry. Don’t show fear. Offer to write letters for other Cons, learn prison law, find Jesus.

And remember, unless you have to kill someone in there in self defense and get life for it (or you get killed), this will end. Then, when you’re out, do a stint on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, like Lil’ Kim…it’s good for the image.

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.