Heroes of Wrestling

On my neverending attempt to find a Pay-Per-View event worse
than Great American Bash '91, I stumbled upon this show.
Headlined as "Heroes of Wrestling," it was basically an
old-timers reunion put on by some small-time independent promoter. And it's really bad. I'll even bother to
provide match ratings so you can follow along at home.

We're LIVE from some casino in Mississippi sometime in
1999. No recollection of when. Your first host is Dutch
Mantell, who knows about wrestling. Your second host is Randy
Rosenbloom, who does not. Gordon
Solie, a legend of the business, was scheduled to be the second
announcer, but he didn't show. As far as I can tell, Rosenbloom
is some guy with no clue what professional wrestling is who
they picked up off the street and asked him to co-host the card.

Match 3: Julio Fantastico vs. 2 Cold Scorpio.
Why is this on an old-timers card? This should have been a decent
match, but both guys blow spots right and left.
Misses out on being the Match of the Night by a hair. *

Match 4: The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff vs.
The Bushwhackers. I always got a kick out of the
Bushwhackers. Must be my enlightened intellect. The heel manager
waves a USSR flag just to be totally out of date. I mean
really, what's wrong with Iran? We don't like them
very much either, and you have an Iranian RIGHT THERE in the
match. -****, and still not the worst
match of the night.

--I feel it important to mention at this point that the Iron
Sheik used to be the Iranian amateur wrestling champion, as
well as the WWF Champion for a brief month in 1983-84 before
losing the belt to Hulk Hogan. Today, he can barely move around
the ring. It makes me very sad to see him on television like
this. He's also apparently broke: If you pay his fee of $500 per
appearance, you--and I mean you--can have the Sheik come and
pretty much do anything you want for two hours. Wrestling,
wiffleball, anything. He'll sit on your couch and tell you old
wrestling stories if you want, as long as he gets paid.

Match 5: Stan Lane vs. Tully Blanchard.
Five points for trying, a hundred negative points for the lame
double pin ending. Tully gets his shoulder up and wins, in case
you care. Both guys were decent enough for what it was. 1/2*

Match 6: One Man Gang vs. Abdullah the Butcher.
I demand to know who decided One Man Gang was a "Hero",
"Legend", "Superstar", or any such term. I
want to know because that person deserves to be severely beaten.
SHOCKING TWIST: Abdullah blades. -***

And I swear to god I'm being totally serious. The interviewer
looks like he's about to piss his pants.

Match 8: Jake "The Snake"
Roberts vs. Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.
Roberts is obviously very, very, very fucked up. You might've
caught that hint in the last section. Neidhart just has no idea
what to do. Roberts takes out Damien (his pet snake, for those of
you who didn't watch wrestling in the late '80s) and waves it
around like a penis. The agents backstage start to freak out,
rightfully so, and so King Kong Bundy comes out to run
interference and minimize the damage Jake can do. It doesn't
work, as Roberts can't even hit his finishing move (the DDT)
correctly. So, they go for broke and send out Yokozuna as well
(note that the advertised main event was Yokozuna vs. Bundy) and
turn it into a surrogate tag team match to try to salvage the
situation. JAKE DIDN'T LACE HIS BOOTS, and when Neidhart pulls
his leg to prevent a tag, the boot comes off. That's just about
the "highlight" of the match. Oh no, wait, what was I
thinking, that was Jake waving his snake around like a penis.
Bundy splashes Jake and gets the pinfall to end this schmozz,
and the show goes off the air 15 minutes early without ever
having the main event. Worst Match of the Night, Worst Match of
the Year, possibly Worst Match Ever. -*****

Looking back, I have NO IDEA how the Kennel From Hell match
beat this main event out for Worst Match of the Year for 1999. I think people must've
permanently repressed this from their memory or something. I
would still have to go with Great American Bash '91 as the
Worst Show Ever, but only because Heroes of Wrestling had zero
historical significance.