An amusing piece from the UK

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
> govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> independence, effective today.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
> over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
> she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP,
> for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
> world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
> the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
> whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
> at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should
> raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
> the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
> and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
> Look up "interspersed".
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf.
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
> football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
> borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
>
> You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
> football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
> a
> difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
> play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
> stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
> armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
> sevens side by 2005.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
> they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
> is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
> Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.
>

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on
your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It
really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the
good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.

You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is
a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby
sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.