Thursday, November 20, 2008

My sincere apologies for not posting on here for so long. I've been otherwise occupied fighting off an extended depressive mood and doing other, less depressing stuff, too. Some of that is laid out in this video:

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

One of my fave musicians, and definitely my fave folk musician, and my fave trans guitarist, Namoli Brennet, is playing the Flavour Cafe in Troy next Monday (Oct 13). Here are details - please join us there for an intimate and fun night of music and kick-ass guitar!

If you don't live in the Albany area, go to her website for other tour dates - she is well worth checking out.

The Stonewall Dems and a few influential trans and allied bloggers have been pushing this initiative and it appears to be getting some support (including some of my own heard-earned scratch). If you haven't done so already, please go visit this site with details for how to securely contribute whatever amount you can to the Obama campaign and make the presence of trans and trans-supporters known.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Plug in your headphones, close your eyes and listen to this amazing binaural recording virtual haricut. It blew me away with how realistic it was. I was literally cringing away from the electric razor. I can totally see movies and video games adopting this kind of thing.

So it looks like my excursion into vlogs is temporarily suspended for now, since the same day I launched my YouTube site and a few vids, my refurb'd Kodak camera decided to go kaput on me. Sending it back to Kodak for repairs, and in the meantime, my laptop webcam screws up the audio-video synch after about 20 seconds of recording, rendering it basically useless.

Anyways, I wanted to talk a bit more about my recent inner-conflict, touched on in my vlog embedded below a few days ago, about further body modifications. Specifically breat implants and or liposuction. I say inner-conflict because on one hand I have tiny breasts (barely A) and a bit of a beer belly, both of which I am overly self-conscious of and that limit the clothes I can comfortably wear and look decent in. They both also play havoc with my self-confidence at times. It is very hard to find a comfortable 36 A bra that fits and does anything for me and looks decent under clothing. And forget about wearing most dresses without some padding, which I really dislike doing.

On the other hand, it's sometimes nice not to have to wear a bra (the only real advantage to tiny breasts!). And most importantly: I'm asking myself if I really need to modify my body and undergo more painful surgery to feel more myself.

Is this a pure vanity thing? And is that necessarily a bad thing? Regardless, I'll get a consultation and then decide.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

I haven't been posting on here very much lately for many reasons: summer, plain busy, other blog, not much to say, and also I've been experimenting with vlogs.

I've tried the 12Seconds thing (http://12seconds.tv/channel/disobedientlib) and am now probably moving over to YouTube for regular ramblings. Nothing of note there yet, but I'll try to cross-post that stuff on here when I think of it and put thoughts more appropriate to the written word here as well.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I came across this pic in one of my parents' photo albums up at our camp last week. It's so weird looking at the totally different person that was me only a few years ago. It seems so long ago and like part of a completely different reality.

For the curious, here is how I used to look before transitioning - totally gross!!!:And for contrast, here is me now:

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

One thing I've been struggling a lot with lately is my often default sense of self-shame whenever my own or general transness comes out in discussion in non-LGBT spaces. Why the hell do I fall back on shame as an instinctual emotion in these situations? I'm getting better at suppressing that emotion and not letting it affect my actions, but it's still there, inside me.

This arose recently during a library conference I was attending and presenting at. Just prior to the remote keynote speaker, they played a video I guess promoting the reference service at one college using noir and trans themes. The female librarian was dressed as the male PI and a guy was dressed as the femme fatale. It wasn't that the gender expressions were intentionally humorous or mocking, but it got lots of laughs, which disturbed me at the time. Why should transgender expression automatically be a source of amusement? To me, that's a large part of the problem with getting trans equalities - we aren't taken seriously. On the other hand, I don't think the creator of the video did it intentionally (she was the trans protagonist in it), and it also perhaps made people think outside traditional gender roles, which is a good thing, right? At the time the video was showing, sitting amongst my librarian peers who were oblivious, I felt shame and annoyance, and was on the verge of crying. But why?

Is it some deep-buried self-loathing that goes beyond my transness? Is it a culturally and socially imprinted infection; teaching us from birth to punish and shun any and all "other-ness"? Is it a simple desire to "fit in"? My guess is it's probably a combination of all these and more, but who knows. I guess just being more aware of how I react can help me. What are your experiences and thoughts?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

For those of you who use Yahoo e-mail: have you ever noticed the news headlines that appear on the page after you logout of your e-mail? Have you noticed any trends in those headlines? I log in and out of my e-mail multiple times a day and so get a pretty good feel for those headlines. I certainly have no solid data to back me up, but it seems to me these headlines show a very distinct conservative bias.

For example, recently I've seen headlines touting positive poll results for McCain and Hillary (the conservatives choice for an opponent on the Dem side since they think McCain has a better chance against her in the general election), but none for Obama. In the primary battles, they seem to show a lot of positives about Hillary's wins, but very little for Obama.

Here's another subtle thing I just noticed while typing up this post: in most WYSIWYG interfaces (like Microsoft Word, the post entry box on Blogger, Yahoo e-mail text boxes, etc.) the words Hillary, McCain and Clinton are all ok according to the auto-speller (and using the manual spell-check), but Obama gets automatically underlined (with those annoying red dots) as a possible spelling error. Why is that?

Am I imagining this, or is this a powerfully subtle and serious media bias going on here? Since Yahoo e-mail is by far the most used program in the U.S., if not also around the world, just putting these headlines in front of millions of people on a daily basis, regardless of whether they click through to the stories, can have a very large impact on public opinion. Am I just turning into a crazy conspiracy theorist?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Do you know what Cluster bombs are? They are very insidious and indiscriminate killing machines normally dropped over huge areas of land in massive quantities from the air. A large percentage of these do not explode upon impact and can remain active for a wandering child to detonate by mistake for decades. It's victims are overwhelmingly civilians, especially children. To date it has been estimated that over 100,000 civilians have been killed or maimed by these weapons alone in the past couple decades. The United States is the primary manufacturer, seller, and user of these weapons.

As we speak, more than 100 civilized nations (not including the US, which is not participating) are negotiating to ban the use of these weapons of mass destruction amongst themselves and there is legislation pending in Congress to more tightly control their deployment. Yet at every turn, these seemingly no-brainer actions to promote peace and get rid of weapons of mass destruction are being successfully sabotaged and vigorously opposed by our own United States and the powerful military-industrial corporations that our current system of government is now ruled by...

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I am definitely not a good review writer, so bear with me. This Progressions Concert Series show took place tonight at 8 at the CDGLCC home base, about 2 blocks from us just off Lark St. in Albany. We arrived about 7:45 and were the first there (we are such geeks!). But anyways, only about 25 people showed up - these awesome musicians deserve bigger crowds!

Liz Stahler took the stage first and launched into an excellent set of softly plucked folk songs about bad relationships and true love. She tells good stories, both in her songs and with between-song banter in a plain-spoken, upfront manner. I bought her CD and am psyched to listen to it.

Humble folk guitar goddess Namoli Brennet played second and did not disappoint (we saw her play months ago in Troy and I bought all 3 of her most recent CDs then). Evocative, thoughtful lyrics with a powerful voice compliment her soulful, perfectly played, driving guitar structures. They always make me want to simultaneously go on a trek through some beautiful desert on a quest for inner peace, and pick up my guitar and start playing again. I so hope she breaks into the big time - she is such a talent and deserves it!

Please get down to Albany this Saturday to see a talented musician, Namoli Brennet, play in an intimate, acoustic setting at the CDGLCC, along with Liz Stahler. Namoli is an awesome folk artist and happens to be trans as well. Details:

Friday, May 09, 2008

Jenn and I saw Iron Man last night, and while it was an excellent movie, I just simply don't buy it as the best comic book superhero adaptation. It may be in the top 5 or 10, but that's it for me. So here is my own list for this (note: for major movie superhero adaptations only, so it discounts great movies like I Am Legend, Ghost World, V for Vendetta and Sin City):

Batman (the original and still the best, I just don't buy that Batman Begins was that great. It was ok, but that's it in my book)

Blade (silly in parts, but so effective and to me, ground-breaking + it has Vampires and kick-ass music!)

Spider-Man

Hellboy (can't wait for the sequel!)

Iron Man

Spider-Man 2

Blade 2

X-Men (I love the X-Men comics, but Hollywood managed to fuck up this franchise royally)

Darkman

Superman (the 1978 original. As much as I dislike Superman in general, this was a good movie for it's day)

We got to Red Square very early (7pm) and were the first ones there. So we stayed and had a few drinks. A little later Jason wandered in and I offered to buy him a drink (he declined since he only drinks after his shows). But he chatted with us for a little while and Jenn was loving it since he is totally infatuated with him :-). He's such a cool guy though.

We had both seen Jason Webley before about 6 months prior in Maine, when he played with Amanda Palmer, of Dresden Dolls fame. Jenn had turned me onto Jason a while back and that show blew me away; I was hooked. I would describe him as a sort of cross between early Tom Waits and Belle and Sebastian. He is just such an innovative, experimental, interactive, fun performer. He creates a real sense of community in the crowd during his shows, really getting everyone involved and laughing and dancing and singing together.

And this show was no exception. There were only about 20 people in attendance (most of whom were there to see Rev Peyton and had not yet witnessed the brilliance of Mr. Webley!), which sucks because he deserves much bigger crowds, but was cool for us select wise people there because he decided to ditch the stage and come out into the crowd and play amongst us; no mics, no lights!

His brief set started around 9:30 and was, of course, awesome. He played my fave song, "There's Not A Step We Can Take That Does Not Bring Us Closer" and he ended the set by bringing everyone in closer and playing an improv version of Mayday while we all (including him) danced the "Gnomie Dance" with our shirts pulled over our heads.

Next came Rev Peyton. Jenn and I had gone to their MySpace page and listened to their music and I knew on the spot I'd like them. They play balls out Delta Blues, ala John Lee Hooker, RL Burnside, Muddy Waters, with a smattering of Cajun music (Rev's wife plays the washboard) and Psychobilly thrown in for good measure.

They ripped into a lightspeed version of Aberdeen and really never let up. Everyone there was up front and dancing furiously throughout. The show ended with Jason joining them onstage. They had written some songs together a while back and played a few. The closed the set with the amazing "Two Bottles of Wine," which they played twice - the 2nd time at a blistering pace so fast Jenn and I almost collapsed from exhaustion trying to keep up with the dancing and yelling of "Two Bottles of Wine" at the top of our lungs as the required crowd chorus.

haha - I've finally gotten around to creating a Muxtape - check it out and then go explore others - it's a great way to find music you've never heard of before (some artists from my mix: Jason Webley, The Cliks, Sam Roberts, Rockets and Cars):

This tool is such a great idea - every up and coming musician should be on here - not only does it get your sound out there but it promotes people buying your music as well through the "buy this MP3" links...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I'm sitting here right now in a hotel room in Salt Lake City thinking of Jenn and feeling warm little waves of pleasure wash over my vagina and whole body. I'm not touching myself (yet) in any way, but I am flexing my muscles (or are they flexing in reaction?) down there a little in an attempt to maximize these subtle sensations. It seems these awesome sensations are a regular thing now for me. At least once a day (sometimes many more) they randomly descend upon me, usually when I'm sitting for some reason. Fucking awesome having a vagina!

On the other hand, I still haven't achieved full-on orgasm. I'm 15 months out from surgery. Jenn and I have regular sex and it's spectacular sex, believe me. I love our sex life and this lack of orgasm on my part is no fault of Jenn's. And I'm fully sensate down there, I believe (although I have nothing to really compare it to).

It's a purely mental thing, me thinks. My dumb-ass mind simply hasn't been able to re-map the neural pathways to the deep core pleasure centers. That and or my stubborn mind has thrown up some invisible walls that I just haven't figured out how to scale yet. After all, I have no real idea what a full-on orgasm as a post-op transsexual should feel like and so perhaps my logical brain, having no clear instructions, goes into shut down mode. Who knows. It's frustrating to say the least, but I'm confident I'll get there (with Jenn's help, of course :-). These daily mini-orgasmic sensations seem to be a portent to this; they are my mind's wet dreams....

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I've felt for a while now that having some sort of community of interest around being trans and working in a library environment could be a great thing. Lately hearing from a couple others has spurred me to take more direct action.

Any other trans librarians and library workers out there interested in such an endeavor? If so, let me know via this blog or e-mail (danahlongley at yahoo or on Facebook). Of course, very few people read this blog, so how can we reach a broader audience?

Perhaps even someday get our own roundtable at ALA (although I'm not a member at present). I know there's a GLBT roundtable at ALA already, but as usual, my guess is that we who fall into the T part get the usual shaft of being lowest on that totem pole and so our interests take a back back seat to the G and L folks.

I have no idea how many of us there are out there, but if we got enough interest, perhaps it could start simple with a Ning and or Facebook community group, or something? Perhaps such a thing already exists? I am, I must admit, a bit of a hermit and whole movements often escape my notice... :-)

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Been busy with lots of work and personal stuff lately, but here's a summary of where my mind's at presently.

Personal stuff:Just got back from a trip out out western NY; Syracuse for work stuff and Brockport for a library conference. The SUNY Brockport campus is very nice. Next I'm off to Mormon country (Salt Lake City) on Wednesday for another library conference. Gotta get some more travel conditioner!

Politics:HC just keeps showing her true, do-anything-to-get-elected mentality as time goes on and my choice to support Obama seems more and more right to me. Despite his statements being taken way out of context and blown waaaayyyy out of proportion, he's managed to stay calm and collected and sort of above the fray (as much as you can be at this level of politics. You know Obama is the right choice when the GOP starts doing everything in their dirty playbook to get Hilary the nomination.

Trans stuff:I think I'm finally getting to a point at work where I don't have to think about people reacting adversely to my gender expression. Certainly I think most know I'm trans at this point, but I don't think many care. I do my job and do it well.

On the other hand, I think it does hinder things socially for me. I am not accepted into male spaces, such as joining football pools or discussing sports, nor in most blended environments such as going out for beers, etc., and I'm not fully accepted into female spaces either. I think there is an unconscious, culturally-driven perception of us as coming from male privilege and intruding into spaces where our presence makes people feel uncomfortable.

I'm not saying these things are conscious in most, nor do all exhibit them. But I do feel that when I walk into a social situation people tend to get more quiet and or defensive. I think it may have something to do with not knowing how to address me. And since pronouns are so heavily relied on in our language, not knowing can be a real conversation killer.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or is just a projection of my own lingering insecurities and communication shortcomings, but it's how I feel sometimes. But things are getting better, just far more slowly than I can stand sometimes.

Monday, March 31, 2008

It's funny, but I've started using this web site called Calorielookup, which let's you input the foods (and caloric content) you eat each day and the exercise you do and your weight and generates reports from that data, and ever since I sort of feel like I've been eating a little healthier for some reason.

I mean, this data will never be seen by anyone except me, but it's forced me to think a little more consciously about what I put into my body. Now don't get me wrong, I can still wolf down potato chips and chocolate and pizza like a champ, but my everyday meals and meal sizes, I think, have improved a bit. I also don't drink alcohol much at all anymore - the desire to do so just isn't there much.

I'm basically eating healthier foods and consuming more consciously. It also helps that I have a dietitian and excellent vegetarian cook as a girlfriend. She pointed out that when we plop down in front of the TV every night for dinner we aren't paying attention to our eating and hence often eat more than our body, if we were listening, is telling us we need. So we have started turning off the boob tube for dinner sometimes, which I think is helping. Damn, my girl is a smart cookie...

Having said all that, I weigh only a pound or two less than as I did a year ago (my goal is to lose another 10), but I just feel healthier and so in the longer-term more pounds will hopefully drop off without ever having starved myself!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Winter has gotten the best of me, I'm ashamed to say. As usual, I get introverted and anti-social and just plain lazy during these periods of shitty weather and few outlets to let loose and commune with nature, and my blog has suffered as a consequence. But I just came back from a visit with my brother and his family in Colorado and I feel a bit refreshed. My beautiful nieces, ages 3 years and 6 months, are just so, so fucking alive and happy (most of the time) and carefree and trusting. Not normally being around kids much, I had forgotten that was even possible. I feel like the last few days of playing hide and seek and legos and sledding and teaching my niece how to properly build a cushion fort and maneuver a straw in your mouth so it cleanly and fully swings side to side, all while surrounded by the majestic Rocky mountains has awoken me from my hibernation.

The continuous shit overflowing in the news about war and politicians with false smiles and people going on gun rampages and our earth dying can't touch me today at least. Life will go on and happiness and freedom will continue to flourish in the hard cracks between responsibilities and desires and hated. We all could perhaps use a little dose of that kind of pure, but unfortunately only temporary magic in our lives, right?

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Democrats appear to be completely caving in again (which is not surprising in the least) and basically giving Bush everything he wants on the new economic stimulus package. In reality the package is nothing more than a cheap bribe to the American people. Most of us working stiffs will get a $300 tax rebate - whoop-de-fucking-doo! Richer citizens will get bigger rebates and the poor (many of whom don't pay taxes) are left out in the cold.

Our so-called leaders just want us to go on blindly consuming shoddily-made, unneeded products and keep watching our "reality" shows while they and their corporate cronies continue to rape and pillage the economy and the government into oblivion.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

My guess is that far smarter people than me have thought and maybe even tried some of this but...

I've been contemplating the idea of a broadly conceived, inclusive, national transgender membership organization lately. It seems to me that perhaps part of the problem with getting our message out there (and separated from the G&L messages) and our causes heard, is that we don't have an umbrella organization that a large percentage of trans people (or at least out trans folk) belong to and participate in.

In my profession as a librarian, there are lots of associations and professional societies, but the biggest and most useful in promoting library causes on the national level is the American Library Association (ALA). While this behemoth organization has more than it's share of shortcomings, it is very effective in lobbying Washington for causes that it's membership directs it to promote.

It seems to me that if such a trans organization were somehow put together from the grassroots, with fair and periodic elections for leadership positions and a bottom-up way of communicating needs and platforms, such an organization could eventually grow to be a force of good for trans causes. Of course, it's mission would have to be broad enough to incorporate the needs of the whole spectrum of gender variant individuals and existing groups, and their partners, families, and allies, but I think it is possible. Perhaps it's initial vision/mission statement might be kept simple and along the lines of the likes of the NAACP or AARP. Here is a simple one off the top of my head (I'm sure there are gaping holes in it, but bear with me - I've also named my made-up organization NGEA - National Gender Expression Association):

NGEA is dedicated to improving the quality of life for people of all gender expressions, and building a society in which all individuals, regardless of gender expression, are afforded equal rights and protections and can be free from hatred and violence.

Given that so many of my trans sisters and brothers are deep in the closet and an even larger percentage are in dire financial situations, would such an organization be impossible to construct? Is there a way to get closeted people involved while maintaining their privacy? Is there a way to realistically fund such an organization? I'm not sure, but perhaps if savvier people than me take up the cause and plan for the longer-term, such a dream might become reality...

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Change lays not her hand upon truth.Algernon Charles Swinburne (1837–1909)

So, when a raging fever burns,We shift from side to side by turns;And ’t is a poor relief we gainTo change the place, but keep the pain.Isaac Watts (1674–1748)

To hear people all over the country speak about who they support in the current presidential race, you'd think we are on the brink of a massive political revolution. Change seems to be thick in the air - every candidate and pundit seems to be bending over backwards to argue they are the true agent of change (Obama just latched onto that message first). But what kind of change are we talking about? Do the people and pundits and politicians that mouth these words incessantly even know what specific changes they are talking about? Or are they simply reflecting the deep depressive nature of today's US citizenry and a deep desire, in the face of the seemingly endless corruption and callousness of our current leaders, for change, any change? Have we wholly bought into a snake oil solution - one made simply of our own fears and feelings of helplessness? Has any previous president who ran on a message of change (which non-incumbent president didn't?!)actually institute any real institutional change?

In my humble opinion, people need to get over this lazy desire for the candidate offering the most generic version of "change," and instead take the fucking time and devote some deep thought to look at each candidate's specific proposals for change. Do you agree with those changes or just want change for the sake of change? Is your candidate of choice offering real, achievable, concrete changes, or just a pipe-dream, feel-good, marketing ploy? I am not totally sure if any of the top candidates out there are offering much of anything real, but I fear for the viability of our country if a strong proponent of the latter vision prevails (Romney, Huckabee and Obama come most prominently to mind in this vein)...

Saturday, January 05, 2008

I have to say right up front that while at first I was excited that a woman was running for president, and during Bill's reign, I thought Hilary got a bad rAP. She's smart and confident. However, ever since, as I've watched her policy stances develop into more and more complex slices of pseudo-neocon triangulation, I've come to think she would make a poor president. The same thing happened with Obama as he seems to be the empty vessel candidate - great way of speaking but with little reflection of the realities of politics. Having said all that, I've been a form Kucinich supporter since the beginning, even knowing that he has zero chance of winning anything. If he's still around by NY primary time, I will vote for him nevertheless. I am sick of voting for someone just because they might win.

But that leaves John Edwards, who I've also long been a fan of. His fight against corporate greed and recognition of the huge impact of poverty and the need to battle it on many fronts really resonates with me. So I have been rooting for him. However, for the last couple months I feel he's gotten lost in the celebrity candidate crush. Despite polling levels on a par with Obama and Hilary, his share of media coverage has, in my opinion, been small. And now flash forward to the day after the Iowa caucuses. On NPR (of which I am a huge supporter because they are generally even in their coverage of any topic) there was barely a mention of him. Story after story, politico analysis after analysis discussed Obama and Hilary despite the fact that Edwards finished second, ahead of Hilary! I fear the media's treatment of him as a forgotten middle child will mean he does not stand a chance. It's too bad the media and the handful of rich and mostly conservative owners of those outlets play such a large part in electing our leaders...

Me Me Me

I'm an academic instruction librarian providing services for mostly working adult distance learners at a state college. Our library is completely online (gasp! no print materials at all). I'm also an avid video gamer and play competitive roller derby on the side.