my kind's your kind

Hey 2013: 10 Things You Can Do to Not Suck

No one can say nor has ever said I’m an optimist. I’ve always subscribed to the viewpoint of “expect the worst and you might be pleasantly surprised.” It has seemed to work out thus far. And 2012, you were the one year in which I did not expect the worst, but you sure showed me. I mean, of course it could have been EVEN MORE WORSE, but unless you threw coffee in my face and spat on me, 2012, it was pretty much teh suck. If it weren’t for an amazing husband and awesome friends, I would probably be more hermit-like than I already am, trapped inside a box of wine on my couch in a shoddy bathrobe, littered with old highlighted copies of Anne Sexton. So 2013, I beg you, can I have a year without unnecessary bullshit?

10. Please refrain from making sure I get a stupid common cold that lasts for 2 weeks. I blame you, December.

9. I could use a little break on the stress, too. I will make a deal with you: I’ll meditate, and you, 2013, need to lay the fuck off.

8. Please do not open any of these restaurants near my house: Tin Star, Buca di Beppo, or Liberty Burger. Oh wait. Thanks a lot, Liberty Burger. These extra 20 pounds thank you too. Every one of them.

7. Figure out a way to ensure I never run out of coffee. I don’t think this is an unreasonable expectation, 2013.

6. Seriously: No more hurricanes on the East Coast.

5. Even more seriously: No more kitty or doggie sadness. I can’t take it.

4. I’d really like to make it through you with no broken bones. Take pity on the old and infirm. I promise to strength train or do whatever insanity Pynk Fitness suggests. PROMISE.

3. Somehow be the year in which the Automatic Laundry Hang N’ Fold is invented.

2. Diet French Fries too.

1. More than anything else, 2013, just keep everyone I love safe, healthy, and happier than 2012. If that’s too great an expectation, well…ok. We’ll call it “hope.” THIS TIME. I mean, if Justin Bieber can believe, I can too. I think.

I’m smiling through tears. I’m more jaded than anyone. Even these sunglasses are painful to me.

Best Wishes to everyone for a clean slate and more betterness than you expect.