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‘Ousted MP glut will lead to benefits crisis’, warns DWP

The senior civil servant in charge of the Department for Work and Pensions has warned that the country’s benefits system is in danger of collapse as ex-MPs struggle to find employment outside Westminster and have to turn to state handouts.

‘After losing their lucrative directorships and expense accounts, Jobseekers’ Allowance is not going to satisfy these former MPs,’ said Leigh Lewis. ‘Recent events have shown just how adept these people are at submitting claims, and trust me – having created the system, they really do know how to play it.’

‘In terms of abuse, we’re not talking about a few minor fiddles here. This will be akin to a coach load of Catholic priests running amok at an international choirboy convention organised by Haringey Council. And like those choirboys, this abuse is likely to bring the country to its knees.’