fear of rejection; its in everyone. especially me

i mean, like standing up for yourself in a situation where you just know everyone is going to turn their back againts you once you say it? it starts with fear right?

im not going to be all “only stick and stones will break my bone” about it. i have countless, mountainous, carts of fears. but one that always gets to me is always the R word. yeah, R for rejection. woo-hoo! *insert streamers here for rejection*

but you know what gets to me more? the fact that i have never been rejected because i have never tried to do anything about anything

like theres this guy i have been crushing on since last year and every freaking time i see him i go so nervous, eventhough noone has any idea that i was crushing big time on this guy. i get nervous and paranoid for absolute no reason. i get like giddy with emotions everytime. but i never ever ever did anything to express my feelings for fear of rejection

like i was out with my best friend yesterday i think and as usual, whenever we hang out its always at starbucks. so we decided to go to liang court because the starbucks at central’s ambience sucked

(NOVENA’S STARBUCKS IS STILL THE BEST)

(and a fair warning to all starbucks outlet, if you see this 2 pair of idiots, my best friend and i respectively, please ignore. we get real high sometimes. and conceited)

and i look like im capable of murder

(by the way, there is absolutely NOTHING at liang court. except for kinokuniya and the stores you dont care about. so dont expect any hype there)

oh and starbucks have the cutest christmas ornament thingy, ever

so right, back to my story/example/personal experience, yeah, at starbucks, got my chai and evian, best friend got her javachip and we proceed to hog the seat near the glass window. everything was going great, i was a happy asshole because i just love spending time with my best friend with some chai and her itouch.

and then what happened?

the guy i have been crushing on and still am, crushing on, just pops up like magic or something man!
(well it wasnt magic, he just came back from a smoke break or something)

i was like frozen with fear man. FEAR OF GETTING CAUGHT RED HANDED, CRUSHING ON THIS CUTE PIECE OF ASS EVENTHOUGH NO ONE KNOWS. and as usual, i pretended like i dont know shit and moved on.

in my head i was like “OMG! ISNT! THAT! CUTIE! PATOOTIE! FROM! SCHOOL!?”

well then time went past and we had to leave. so we did and then, check this out, i actually had some milisecond of eye contact with cutie patootie while walking off. and i wanted to smile. I WANTED TO SMILE. but he wasnt smiling so i PUSSIED OUT. just in case he thinks im weird cause we dont know each other.

better be safe than sorry right?

atleast he cant reject me if he doesnt know right?

its suppose to be a good, fluid move right?

wrong!

that chance to get noticed, and i blew it. always happens. but hey, the worst didnt happen right? like i didnt trip and fall and broke the mug infront of him or something like that right?

im so stupid sometimes. but hey, “im just doing just fine, im always landing on my feet” 🙂 its not like he’ll ever know