I don't have a child that old os take my advice with a grain of salt. I agree wit hwhat pp's said about addressing her underlying issues and the tantrums but regarding this specific circumstance, if you feel that the punishment is not fair, I would allow her to have her party. I am all about following through on punishments but I also think its important for children to learn that we are all human and make mistakes. I would probably explain that when she throws a tantrum it makes me frustrated and angry and that I took away her party because I knew it was something she really wanted. I just don't think that b/c you make the threat you absolutely have to follow through on it, If I threatened out of anger throw out all my kids clothes b/c she wouldn't pick out an outfit it doesn't mean I would actually do that kwim? Obviously the ideal is not to make false threats but we all have our exasperated moments and I think it's really important to be able to acknowledge a mistake.

My ds2 sounds so much like your dd. I've had to get really strict with him (which I hate and isn't my personality). He has spent time in his room while friends were over playing, missed tv time, missed movies with friends, missed out on playdates, done chores. I'd follow through with your punishment. Birthday parties are a privlege not an automatic (to me) and if she can't follow the rules she doesn't get to do fun things...the punishment does follow the crime IMO.

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Amanda hopelessly in love with my US Marine and three little men 12, 7.5 and 4 years<--what! When did that happen?

I wouldn't punish a child with no party. Parties and gifts are done out of love, not because a child deserves them. I disagree with the idea of giving gifts out of entitlement and taking them away as punishment. The punishment or consequences should fit the behaviour and taking away her party that celebrates her life, just seems really unfair. I would sit down and apologize to her and tell her that you were really upset and have re-thought the consequenses. We can only expect to teach our children how to act by modeling with our own actions. If we make rash decisions out of anger it's really no better than her tantroming. She doesn't know how to control her anger or emotions and it sound like neither do you. We all have room for growth, I certainly have had my moments of anger as well. But apologizing and making things right even with our children is important and teaches them how to make amends. I would apologize and if you feel she still needs a consequence see if you can find something that really fits the situation better. Ask your dd if she can think of a way to make things right since she had a tantrum. It doesn't have to be something horrible either. Often letting children help solve the problem with you can really work.

Just a small update. We went ahead and had the party. Probably a more low-key affair than originally planned. I'm just so drained. I made cupcakes instead of the elaborate Belle cake she had requested and I didn't put up any decorations (not that she was expecting any). I went ahead with our planned "girls day," and she had the best time.

She has a well checkup next Friday and I'm going to talk (privately) with her Dr. about her behavior and anxiety. If nothing else, to have a referral to a mental health person opened up and ready if we want to use it.

She had actually backed off on the tantrums these last few days, perhaps due to the excitement and the extra attention that having a birthday affords. We had to have some plumbing worked on today, so I told her last night we would be showering over at Grandma's house today, told her we'd be waking up early and that all we had to do was get in the car in our jammies. Even though she had been pre-warned about the change in routine, she still threw a fit this morning over it. She's just so.....inflexible. We have gotten to the point where we don't even go anywhere on week nights because it just makes her a basketcase. I've been offering "this or this" choices, trying to let her have some choices in whatever we are doing that might cause her to become upset. It's just not working. You give her the choice, she screams. You don't give her the choice, she screams.

Sorry, I'm almost done here. Thought ofone more thing I wanted to add to the discussion. On three separate occassions this weekend she got really scared and aggitated over things I wouldn't have expected. Twice was when we were having some problems with a toilet and it overflowed. She saw it overflow, started screaming and ran away in fear and was in hysterics until I could finish cleaning up the water and calm her. Later, my hubby lit a birthday candle on her cake that sparked up kinda like a fire cracker and the whole video of her and the cake and birthday song at her party she's screaming and crying about the candle. While we're all singing at her. It's ridiculous. It's like she's suddenly developed raging anxiety, too. Grr. I don't know if I have the mettle for her level of....intensity?

Anyhow, thanks again for all who offered stories and advice. I really appreciated them all. I still feel like I have no idea how to deal with her, but I do have some focussed ideas to try now.

Oh, one more thing. sorry. As Shrek would say, "Better out than in." LOL

This is almost 100% a behavior she exhibits towards me. Sometimes DH, but never anyone else. She begged fo rthe Brave DVD at Target and I was feeling generous so I bought it for her. With the condition that she must not scream and yell at me for a certain period of time and then she can watch it. I'm still not convinced the old reward trick is good parenting. At. all. But I need to try it. Though at this rate she is NEVER going to see the movie. *sigh*

Oh, and one more thing. I have been trying to talk to her about respect. I have been very clear that any amount of tantrumming means I can't help her in any way. I did great not giving in to that. and this morning, in a moment of exasperation, I told her I was the boss. I make the rules. She follows the rules. End of story. And when she's big enough to follow my rules without screaming and crying she can help make the rules. I'm going to keep talling her that until I'm blue in the face.