Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still .'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up. '

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass up in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.Frankie Boyle

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.

He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw.He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him,they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost in DC

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle.You can divorce the jerk any time you want.The rest of us are stuck with him for two more years!

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister ofAustralia and I am the smartest woman in Austarlian history, soAustralia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of theUnited States of America." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr President. There's a parachute left for you. The chosen one took my schoolbag."

Joe Biden: Is it true you want to replace me with Hillary for 2012?Barack Obama: Nonsense, Joe! She's the exact opposite of you. I'd never go for someone like that.Joe Biden: What do you mean?Barack Obama: You make me look good by comparison and no one would risk getting rid of me with you there.Joe Biden: Thanks, Barry! That's the nicest thing anyone ever... Hey, wait a second!

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searchedthe room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,? says Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...... and you can bet your ASS it's probably not an accident either.

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.Barack drank the concoction and said "That tasted like bullshit!""It was", the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.Shocked, he asks, "What the hell are you doing? To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn.

To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job.

The first man, surprised too, asks, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between Obama care and private insurance.."

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from acrossPennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, sir."

Information about Gonorrhea LectimThe Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible obamanation.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

I bought a new Chevy Avalancheand returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'GeorgiaOn My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of theUnited States, Barack Hussein Obama

In a reconciliatory move by the Obama administration, the presidenthas asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault linebeneath Haiti after the 43rd president of the United States, George W.Bush.

This particular fracture in the tectonic plate will henceforth be called "Bush's Fault."

The Corpus Christi, Texas Police Department reports finding a man's body in the Nueces River near Labonte Park . The dead man's name willnot be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink g-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick and an "Obama for President in 2008" t-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Obama t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

When I received this email and opened it , I started beating the screen thinking these things had got in my monitor.

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1.The stamp is in perfect order.2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.3.People are spitting on the wrong side.

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away.""Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'

She replied, $200.

To the brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead...

Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, My pants as low as my wages, Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, And keep it rising like the price of gas, Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and Screw me the way you have retirees, and our Veterans Then it isn't going to cost you a friggin' damn cent!

Obama, McCain and Hillary Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"

McCain takes a breath and then replies, "Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book." God looks down and then says, "You can sit to my left side."

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?" Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, "I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long." God again looks down and this time says, "You can sit to my right side."

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, "Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?"Obama smiled and replied, "I think you're in my seat."

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check..

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, ¨Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call..

This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife!

Montana Bear Photo.

The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife....

Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Liberal Party... as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Liberal black bear in Montana nicknamed .... Bearack Obearma

Capacity1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days3. 18,150 meals served daily4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes esmes5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

USS BILL CLINTONThe USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.

USS BARACK OBAMADetails are as vague.But don't you worry..........he has a plan

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstateNew York. He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his “red sisters and brothers.”

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President.

They explained that “Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

(You all know me....I had to go Google Psalm 109.8 to confirm that this is accurate........I may become a fan of bumper stickers)

From a friend:

We were in Pigeon Forge over the week end. We left to come home on Sunday. Traffic was moving slowly and a car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".

Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board so he opened it up to the scripture and read it. He started laughing and couldn't quit. Then he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh too.

Psalm 109:8

"Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labours of the people under the pretence of taking care of them. --Thomas Jefferson

Despite the fact that he never played college football, Obama was selected by a group of the nation’s most elite sport writers for his incredible, intended achievement. In claiming the coveted athletic prize, President Obama said, “I always WANTED to play college football and when I saw myself on the field, I was always in the process of making the most amazing catch as the sport’s best wide receiver so I am honored that the committee has chosen me.”

Despite the fact that Obama has been out of college for well over 25 years, the Heisman votes were given to him by the committee because, “Well, we just really like him and even though he smokes, He just seems like a really amazing guy.” While the other Heisman candidates were stunned, they did agree that the President’s desire to play ball really overshadowed any real accomplishments they hadactuallymade on the nation’s gridirons.

In addition to the fact that President Obama never really played football ever, this award was doubly amazing in that the Heisman Trophy is not usually awarded until much later in the football season. “It doesn’t really matter,” said Bob Smith fromSports Illustrated. “When the season begins and ends is really irrelevant to the award.”

Rahm Emmanuel, with tears in his eyes, said, “This means so much to my boss. I can’t thank those enough for the votes they cast. I will be sure to use this in all our upcoming campaigns. You have truly given me something to work with and I am so grateful.”

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane whenthe stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard thatflights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellowpassenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed itslowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do youthink that So-called President Elect Barack Obama is qualified for thejob?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me askyou a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the samestuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turnsout a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why doyou suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, ! I have no idea."To which the little girl replies,"Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama... whenyou don't know shit?"