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“There’s this myth that lingers in American society that rape is just a matter of men getting a little too excited about sex and forgetting to get consent first. Many people still talk about rape like it’s a thing men do by accident, perhaps because they were confused. Or they blame “hook-up culture” for rape, […]

I get that many people don’t like questions like “what do you do,” but I really hope that it doesn’t really get replaced with intrusive and awkward alternatives like “what are you passionate about?” and “what makes you get up in the morning?” and other more ~~~authentic~~~ versions. It’s smalltalk. I don’t necessarily WANT to […]

“The accountability we are demanding for all involved in Sandra Bland’s death, the questions we are raising, the outrage we are expressing, this should be the standard for all victims of police violence. She will stay with me forever. The memory of her voice, her mission and her conviction will live in my thoughts and […]

“But the very thing that makes it appealing to dole out Internet Justice is also what makes the verdicts rendered in these moments so wildly inconsistent. When we all rush in to try to take the place of a system that’s failed, we’re all acting according to our individual senses of what’s fair and right, […]

“Officially, psychiatric diseases hardly exist in Iraq. According to the Mental Health Survey conducted by the World Health Organization from 2006 to 2007, less than four percent of Iraqis struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder, a number that is certainly a severe undercount, considering almost half the population has experienced a war trauma such as witnessing […]

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Uncategorized But Awesome

EVENTS

On Men Who Think Street Harassment Would Be Awesome

Whenever women are discussing street harassment and what causes it and how to prevent it, a man inevitably comes along to inform us that, actually, our feelings about harassment are Wrong because he, personally, would just love it if women catcalled him on the street or came up and slapped his ass without consent.

There are lots of things wrong here.

1. This is male privilege.

It’s a perfect example of it, in fact. Having privilege isn’t a “bad” thing, and it doesn’t mean you should have to lose that privilege–rather, it means the rest of society should gain it. In this case, that privilege is being able to walk down the street without being subjected to sexualized attention, and that privilege is one men have and women do not, in our society. (Of course, men are more likely than women to face other kinds of unwanted attention on the streets, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.)

When you say that you would “love” it if women catcalled you, you are speaking from a place of privilege because catcalling isn’t something you ever have to deal with. The only reason you are even able to imagine enjoying it because you’ve never experienced it.

Some men do experience sexual harassment from women or other men. But these generally aren’t the men butting into our conversations and telling us that we should take harassment as a compliment, because they understand what it’s actually like.

2. Harassment means you don’t want it.

Why is this so hard to understand? If you want sexual attention, then it’s not harassment or assault. It’s flirting or sex. If you want to be catcalled, then it won’t feel like harassment to you. When you make a sexual comment towards someone without their consent, you are running a huge risk of harassing them, but if it turns out that they wanted to hear that comment, they’re probably not going to complain.

But of course, none of us are mindreaders, or else men who harass women on the street would probably realize that they don’t want it in the least.

3. And anyway, your penis is not the arbiter of everyone’s sexuality.

As in, I don’t really care what you like. Just because you may like getting catcalled without your consent doesn’t mean the rest of us have to like it too, and it definitely doesn’t mean you have the right to do it to others. It’s just like I wrote about people who prefer not to be asked for consent during sex–that’s totally cool. But you cannot assume that others feel the same way you do.

If being catcalled in public is your thing (which, as I’ll explain, I kind of doubt, anyway), you’ll need to find a way to arrange that without advocating that everyone should be okay with catcalling. Just like if you get off on emulating rape, you’ll need to find a consenting partner to do that with rather than suggesting that everyone should be okay with getting raped because that’s what your penis likes.

4. Harassment is never a one-time thing, and that changes everything.

If you’ve never gotten catcalled (and likely never will), it may indeed seem like it’ll be pleasant and flattering. In fact, I distinctly remember thinking something similar when I was a teenager–old enough to want sexual attention, but too young to really get it (not to mention living in a quiet suburb rather than a big city).

The first time a man ever made a comment to me on the street, it was a bit weird but also kind of cool. I still remember it–I had just graduated from high school and was taking a trip to Chicago alone for the first time. I was in the Loop and there was a group of guys. One of them said, “Hey! You look good.” That was it. Fairly harmless as catcalling goes.

The second or third time, which I don’t remember, probably went much the same way, and I didn’t mind it much. But it’s never just a few times. It’s dozens, hundreds of times over a lifetime. It’s when you wear a cute dress. It’s when you wear sweats. It’s when you’re excitedly on your way to a date. it’s when you’re dragging yourself home after an exhausting day at work. It’s when you’re taking a run. It’s when you’re carrying groceries. It’s all. The. Fucking. Time.

My guess is that men who say these things have not, and this is another type of privilege at play. If you’ve never experienced sexual violence, unwanted come-ons will feel different to you than they will to someone who has. To survivors of sexual violence, street harassment can be anything from a mildly uncomfortable reminder of a past experience to an actual trigger for a panic attack, depressive episode, or flashback.

And here’s the thing–if you haven’t had that experience, you cannot know what it’s like to be triggered or reminded of it. You just can’t. But luckily, you don’t need to understand it to respect those who do know. You just have to shut up for a change, and listen.

6. Who, exactly, would you want to be catcalled by?

My guess is that when you imagine getting catcalled, you’re imagining a gorgeous woman doing it. What about an ugly woman? A fat woman? A gay man? In my experience, the men who go around whining that nobody ever catcalls them on the street are the same ones who get horrified when someone they don’t find desirable pays them any attention.

Also, men who are perceived as gay are often bullied or assaulted for even seeming like they’re coming on to straight men. Apparently it’s not such a “compliment” anymore when it’s coming from someone you’re prejudiced against.

And remember that the whole problem with non-consensual interaction is that you don’t get to choose who interacts with you.

7. Gender matters.

Although men are not immune to violence (sexual or otherwise, from women or from other men), the dynamics are demonstrably different because most men are stronger than most women. If you’re a man walking down the street and a woman starts harassing you, you generally don’t have to worry that she’ll brutally rape and attack you if you try to get her to stop (TW for that link).

For women, the awfulness of street harassment isn’t just what it actually is, but also in what it could become. It could just be an offhand comment, or it could lead to stalking, groping, assault, mugging, or murder. You may think that you’re a perfectly nice guy who’d never actually hurt anyone as you stand there and whistle at a woman, but she doesn’t know that, and therein lies the horror of it.

The humiliation makes it even worse. When a man catcalls me, I can feel the eyes of the passerby on me and I know what they’re thinking: She shouldn’t have dressed like a slut. She shouldn’t be here alone this late at night. I wonder what she did to get his attention.

When women come on to men, on the other hand, this generally reflects well on the men because getting attention from women is seen as an accomplishment, not a failure to stay modest and unobtrusive enough.

On the other hand, though, this mindset also contributes to the huge problem of sexual assault not being taken seriously when men are the victims, which brings me right to my final point.

8. Comments like these erase male victims.

This is perhaps the most important point I’ll make in this entire piece: men who say things like this are effectively erasing the experiences of male victims of sexual harassment and assault. Believe it or not, many (if not most) men don’t actually enjoy it when women pay them unwanted sexual attention, “unwanted” being the key word.

A male friend of mine mentioned that whenever a guy points out that, no, he does not want to be harassed by women on the street, he gets ridiculed by other men. That, right there, is why it’s so difficult for men to admit being harassed or assaulted, and why male victims are marginalized. Male rape is still largely considered either impossible, “not a big deal,” or, as I’m discussing in an upcoming post, simply hilarious. I don’t know how else to say it: this is a fucking problem.

Anyway, I’m at 1,400 words now, so this seems as good a time as any to stop. Here’s the tl;dr version for people who minimize the problem of street harassment: check your privilege, put yourself into someone else’s shoes, and consider the fact that the world doesn’t fucking revolve around you.

I’m tentatively planning on it. I don’t have a space to crash, and I’m not sure about paying for a hotel room, so I may attempt to find out if I know anyone around there or do some sort of couchsurfing type thing. That’s my one big hurdle, and assuming I can get over it, I’m definitely planning on going.

I, too, remember when I was a budding pre-adolescent that I enjoyed the attention of cat-callers, because that must have meant I was really pretty, I thought. It took me years to realize that they don’t discriminate. It’s not about the way you look or who you are; it’s about the fact that you’re a woman, and they’re a man, and you’re powerless to stop it.

Anyway, I love this post! It is brill. Thank you for writing it, friend. :D

“you’ll need to find a consenting partner to do that with rather than suggesting that everyone should be okay with getting raped because that’s what your penis likes.” Penises don’t have brains. Perhaps the world would be better place if we all had a miniature, auxiliary brains implanted in our penises. #tinypenisbrains #tinybrainsinsideapenis #abetterworld

As a man who is unashamedly straight but definitely not narrow, I once got cornered by a rather large and muscular top when I was working as a bouncer in a gay leather bar in London in the 80’s.
While I didn’t feel threatened, I did feel slightly uncomfortable, and gained a small insight into what it must feel like to be on the receiving of harassment.
I’m proud to say that single brief incident changed my attitude on my approach to women.
This should be an obligatory lesson for every hetero man.

while i don’t doubt that men are more likely to respond to this issue if you cast it in terms of how it makes other men feel, you lost me when you called #8 “the most important point.” beyond that, this is amazing.

Founds this on r/feminisms, and as a man who has been sexually harassed, assaulted, and acquaintance raped, it was refreshing (at least to me) to read your eighth point. It meant a lot to me. Thank you.

The definition of privilege is something that a group of people has that the general population does not. If the rest of society gains a privilege, it is not a privilege. Many things in your blog make sense. Having your first point display a clear misunderstanding of the English language does not.

English is something I understand just fine, thanks. Obviously, if everyone had a certain privilege, we would no longer have the same understanding of that privilege as we do now. However, since there isn’t really any other word for a privilege that used to be restricted to certain groups and has now been extended to everyone, I am forced to still use it in this context.

Also, from dictionary.com, privilege means:

1. a right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most: the privileges of the very rich.
2. a special right, immunity, or exemption granted to persons in authority or office to free them from certain obligations or liabilities: the privilege of a senator to speak in Congress without danger of a libel suit.
3. a grant to an individual, corporation, etc., of a special right or immunity, under certain conditions.
4. the principle or condition of enjoying special rights or immunities.
5. any of the rights common to all citizens under a modern constitutional government: We enjoy the privileges of a free people.

no. I had problems with that line too. With all those definitions, it’s something someone gives you as a special treat because you don’t really deserve it. In other words, privileged men give women the “privilege” to walk on the street without being raped and murdered but they can revoke that privilege at any time. Being in a position to revoke a privilege is what makes you “privileged.” The authors line does not make sense because the equal situation she describes would be a right to walk on the street.

“Ah yes,” he chortles, fiddling with his bowtie and ceremoniously doffing a fedora, “she c l e a r l y lacks sufficient understanding of the English language!”

“You see,” he drones to no one in particular, neckbeard fluttering in an errant breeze, “she uses the word ‘privilege’ in a way that is not consistent with how *I* use it!”

“She must be wrong!” he concludes triumphantly to a ringing silence. After an awkward moment, he straightens his waistcoat, hitches up his cargo shorts, plops into a beanbag, and resumes masturbating frantically to a half-opened Merriam-Webster.

I’m pretty sure she meant “fat” and “ugly” to be derogatory from the point of view of the man making the claim that he would love to get harassed by women. Just because I know she doesn’t feel that way herself. True, it could be misread as a swipe, though, from the author. Perhaps, Miriam, you might be able to add a footnote or something to clarify?

“they don’t discriminate. It’s not about the way you look or who you are; it’s about the fact that you’re a woman, and they’re a man, and you’re powerless to stop it.”

brassyclassy, this is exactly it- like rape and sexual assault, street harassment isn’t about attraction, it’s about power and it’s an act of aggression. We know this through seeing just how often it turns ugly- an ignored “hey sexy” is often followed up with a “never mind- you’re a fat slag anyway” or a thrown glass bottle- both of these have actually happened to me, the latter on at least two occasions, the former more times than I can count.

Any attempt to “hollaback” may be met with even worse- the one time I responded to a “you fat slag” with “f*** off, Tiny Penis” the harasser and his mates responded by charging after me and bellowing. I only dared to respond because I was on a bicycle at the time and knew they had no chance of catching up with me, but while I “won” that one I also wondered: Why were they chasing me? What were they planning on doing to me when they caught me? Did they realise they were defending the honour of their mate’s penis…?

The whole point of harassment is to put women “in their place”, with any women who refuse to be put in their place being punished for it. This punishment is a reminder that they are weak and feeble second-class citizens who should be afraid- be it with insults, threats or physical violence. As the examples above illustrate, there is also no “right” way to respond to street harassment or stop it turning nasty, which makes it all the more frightening- ignore it and you could get hurt, acknowledge it and you could get hurt. Often all we can do is be on our guard and hope for the best. Men who claim street harassment is “nice” have no idea what it’s like to walk around in that state of heightened anxiety and hypervigilance, with the adrenalin flowing until the moment you get home and lock the door behind you.

During that bike ride I also got an insight into the mind of the street harasser: having an easy escape route meant there was nothing he could do and I had power over him, and I realised that without having the upper hand I wouldn’t have dared to insult him, just as many street harassers pick on people who are smaller and weaker than them, or people who are alone or outnumbered by them and their mates. All that said, while I got a glimpse of what it’s like to be the predator rather than the prey, I still failed to see why anyone should want to exploit that power for kicks. Doing so myself would make me a bully, and this is really what street harassment is all about. It’s not paying someone a compliment, it’s bullying.

Totally feeling this, especially #3 and #4. I don’t understand strangers who insist on yelling at women about how enticing and sexually available they appear. Do they think we care whether or not strangers would have sex with us? Someone once yelled out, “nice walk, keep it up,” and I thought, “well THANK GOODNESS, I was worried my legs wouldn’t meet the approval of a complete stranger.”

This is beautifully well written; factual, straight forward, not glossing over important facts without spreading bias in the opposite direction. I particularly like your inclusion of #8, because I agree that it is often overlooked and ignored, sometimes in the name of basically good causes. All harrassment is bad, and that needs to not be forgotten.

Miri, I guess the world is full of different people with different mindsets. Just banning someone because he/she thinks otherwise proves you do not have enough logic and doggedness to make him realize where he is going wrong. This is not the way to deal with the subject; I believe in influencing another person such a way that he will convey his newfound knowledge to another with a firm belief, which, over time, shall reduce – if not stop – the current trend. Only then I’ll call it a success.

Sadly, I come from a country that’s experiencing an all time high in crimes against women. So whether you let my comment stay or wipe it off the board, it’s up to you. But I urge every lady (and your children, if any) to learn at least the basics of self-defense and the Law. This is going to change things instead of venting out in the virtual world. If you are being harassed, harass back the person the same way. For that, u need the strength to take the guy over if he gets offensive. You need to generate that strength over time. Do it and someday I’m sure you’ll pester me to join you over a coffee.

It is not my job or responsibility to educate anyone if I don’t feel like doing so. It is not my obligation to provide them with a free forum in which to air views that I consider harmful and reprehensible. They can start their own blog or publication and do so there. It’s a free country.

But it’s a social disease, Miri; u can wipe it off only that way; just building an awareness won’t help.

Besides, what’s the point in venting out your anger against injustice if you can’t take a step against putting it right? This is just the first step I spoke about. I’m sure, with the required amount of patience and determination, you can do that. My best wishes with you.

Please don’t lecture me about taking steps against injustice. Taking steps against injustice is literally my entire career. It is what I’m going to spend my entire working life doing. It’s also what I do in my spare time, as activism for which I’m not paid.

Condescending? Just like it’s said, Miriam, opinions depend on the person and the angle from which he/she is viewing it. I like your comment: “Taking steps against injustice is literally my entire career. It is what I’m going to spend my entire working life doing.” May I ask you what’s your success rate?

Thank you for this article. As a young woman with a larger than average chest, I seem to get a lot of unwanted attention from men, specifically making comments about my breasts. The response that I have gotten is either to take it as a compliment, or to get a breast reduction. To that I say absolutely not. I did not choose this cup size, but it’s what I got. I will not surgically alter my body because there are men out there who cannot behave themselves. I’m sick of people trying to blame me for the attention by suggesting the attention has to do with the clothing I’m wearing. I am always very conscious about how I look in particular shirts. I do my best to stay covered up. But they’re big and I guess short of binding them down, there is nothing I can do to make them look smaller.

Total nonsense. Being harassed is a CHOICE! If someone comments on the beauty of your ass you can decide to be offended and make it harassement. You can also CHOOSE to ignore it. Then its nothing, absolutely nothing. You can also decide to take it as a complement, and gain self confidence from it as it confirmes your ass is beautifull.

The thing that always bothers me the most (for myself, I mean, personally, not on a global scale or anything) about “Oh man I’d love it if some chick would cat-call at me!” is that horrible (assumption, pretense, understanding–not sure of the word I want here) that street harassment is a compliment.

I’m fat, and while I’m comfortable in my body, I am also aware that much of America considers me unattractive, at best, repulsive, amoral, repugnant… I could go on, but the salient point is: unfuckable. And that’s fine by me! Because… I don’t actually want to fuck most of America.

But I *still* get cat-calls, and to me, every time I hear that shit, I feel a double sting–one for “Hey, you’re a woman, and I just want to remind you that I have power over you simply because I’m not! Don’t forget to be afraid all the time!” and one for “Hey, isn’t it HILARIOUS to think that anyone could find you attractive? You’re unfuckable, and that makes you a punchline, not a person.”

And then I just kind of want to lie down and give up.

So, you know. Really, hypothetical jackass? Really you’d be super flattered if some total stranger felt the need to publicly humiliate you & point out your complete lack of worth as a human being (in their eyes, of course, but still)? Because damn. That’s kind of an odd reaction.

Good read, I know I sound like a radical when I say things like this but we really need a new society. Writing an article on an issue is fine for educating people but I don’t see how it changes anything.

Change minds —> change people —> change society. Passing legislature can only do so much when the problem is an underlying social one. Misogyny is not something we can make illegal. But it is pervasive, and it’s a problem. So how do we change the social landscape? Persuade the people that comprise the society that a) there’s a problem, and b) the power to fix it is in our hands. What do you propose?

That’s a big question that can’t be answered in one short paragraph, and certainly not by someone as common as myself. What I can offer is this: A great start would be for the corporations to stop depicting females sexually at every opportunity, which keeps people in what I call a “constant state of arousal”. I have also been a victim of this conditioning, but I’ve recognized and am now trying to reverse it. And that’s going to be the hardest about all of this, people need to recognize that their primitive nature is being exploited at the expense of their capacity to conduct themselves in a civil manner. They need to get angry that advertisements everywhere are showing them pictures of hot girls because the corporations think it’ll get them to buy. It’s just a blatant insult. I hope that made a little sense.

Not sure if this point was brought up – but again another male perspective.

Being from a smaller city, where pretty much my entire peer group knew I was gay at the same time that I did, actually meant I got called a lot of names while walking down the street. It was an awful and horrible experience. No matter where I was, who I was with, it would not save me from their harassment. Homophobic harassment may not be the same as sexual harassment, but in this case it’s pretty darn similar.

As a fat chick with a large chest I not only get the OMFG boobs harassment, but I get the ‘shameful boner’ harassment too you know where they do the OMFG boobs thing then realise they are attached to a fat chick – that’s when it gets ugly and threatening. I can’t see how some guy threatening to attack me is meant to be a compliment, that happens when I ignore the harassment and when they are ashamed of being attracted to me.

I might be able to control my reaction, but maybe, just maybe we should be teaching these arseholes how to control themselves and not harass people (radical idea I know). You are right about it being a power thing which ever person who says you should just ignore it is supporting.

All people are worthwhile until proven otherwise, does’t matter what you look like, everyone should be treated with respect.

For the guys saying we should just treat it as a compliment, imagine the woman being ‘complimented’ is your girlfriend, mother, sister, grandmother, are you still happy with the situation. (Tip: if the answer is yes, get therapy).

Pyx, I feel your pain…as a fellow fattie, I used to have an endless source of both amusement and rage. I lived between two fraternities, because it was the only place where I could both walk to class and afford the rent. To add in extra fun, I don’t drive, so not walking was not an option. One of the fraternities was full of rather respectful guys who, aside from a haunted house in October that gave me chain saw noise induced nightmares, made wonderful neighbors. The other fraternity (the one between me and campus) was full of asshats. If I was dressed up and headed downtown for a night out, I got the obligatory “booooobs” harassment that let me know that they did, in fact, find me fuckable. On the next morning, come time to walk the dog at the corner park, those exact same jackasses would be apt to drive by or shout out the oh, so original, “Hey, fatass!”. Mind you, I neither gained nor lost 50 lb.s overnight. They were just too stupid to figure out it was the same girl. This went on for months and months. So, I do appreciate the giggle because they are that dense, but would really prefer they keep their fucking opinions to themselves. Oh, and, incidentally, one had a 32 oz. soda thrown at me while randomly walking down the street while the passengers in the car drove by laughing and shouting. I yelled at them to go fuck themselves, and they followed me to my parking lot. Must’ve been a whole carload of cowards, though, ’cause they turned tail and drove off when I didn’t run or turn my back. TYPICAL…and that’s the frightening part…these are not isolated, random events, these are daily phenomenon to ladies everywhere.

This is brilliant. I’m quite tempted to print it out and carry it with me, mainly because when I get trapped into this kind of argument with someone the only tool left in my repertoire is crying with frustration and screaming incoherently at the other party, Thank you.

You are one good writer. I’ve only read two of your posts (both of them relating to street harassment and both of them spot-on), and although I don’t anticipate agreeing with all of your opinions (mainly the atheism), I just wanted to say that you’re a very eloquent writer and I admire your way with words. That’s all.

Great perspective! Another thing that goes with this, women also risk being tagged as a slut or whatever for complimenting men. I find that even talking to guys, as a single woman, I get pegged as easy or slutty, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Thank you for shedding light on this complicated issue :)

As a socially awkward person, this helps explain something to me that I might not have otherwise understood.
I have had some uncomfortable occasions where a man assumed me to be much more “easy” than men usually do, and I wasn’t sure why.
I was dressed up, but not more so than other women present. And while I am considered conventionally attractive by most males, I know I am not the most beautiful woman on Earth.

Well, I happen to have a few interests that our society has called more masculine, and so the people I end up talking to about those interests do tend to be men. And it suddenly occurs to me the incidents did happen after I was, indeed, talking to guys. Wow.

Off topic, but my two sisters and I have lived in Houston most of our lives and we’ve never been street harassed. I’ve also never been street harrassed (to the extent that I’ve become aware of it) in Bryan/College Station, Dallas, Austin, or El Paso. Then again, in Houston the transit system is miserable, so nearly everyone drives. Also, we’ve been middle or upper-middle class for most of our lives.

Does Texas not have a street harassment culture? Is it the isolation of mostly being in cars that protects us? Is street harassment not so much of a thing in ritzier parts of town? Is it that no one’s outside to do the harassing because it’s so darn hot and humid outside?

Also, I want to point out to the “But I’d loooove female attention!” guys that that attention and harrassment are quite different. For instance, when I lived in Bryan/College Station, there was a “Howdy” culture there. It was common for people, when they passed on the sidewalk, to look each other in the eye, smile, and say “Hi” or “Howdy”. It was a friendly mutual interaction that I invariably interpreted as positive, and I never heard any woman complain about it. Not the same thing as “Hey girl, nice tits” at all. At all. Also, it was voluntary; a reaction was never coerced.

Lest you think I’m painting Texas as a harassment-free utopia, I’ve never, ever been to a dance club that I haven’t wound up at some point with some guy doing something to my body that I hadn’t consented to (usually the “grab and pull” method of “asking” someone to dance, or hands on my crotch while I’m dancing). So there’s that.

I also want to point out that how you dress is not a factor in whether you get harassed. I’m mainly sexually harassed on the way to and from work, and my work attire of choice is pantsuits. I have also been harassed on Saturday morning trips to the grocery store wearing sweats, a hoodie, no makeup and glasses. If a woman happens to look nice when she gets harassed or assaulted, it is in no way her fault for “asking for it”. It is repulsive that people think that.

And I know people in general to be uncomfortable with strangers making random comments to them. I know my guy friends would be equally creeped out if woman as old as their mothers hit on them in public. (Has this ever happened???)

Do you or anyone in the comments have advice for how to shut someone down when they are harassing you on the street? I ride a train into work every day, and on multiple occasions I get harassed by men. I’m a victim of a sexual assault, and I can’t really function properly when someone makes an unwanted advance. I kind of just shut down mentally and can’t think of any words to say to let them know its not cool. Its never the same person. I’ve had men shout at me that I looked nice, and when I didn’t respond they followed behind me yelling at me for “treating them like dogs”. I’ve had a man follow me off the train to my car, even after I told him I wasn’t interested. (I ended up going into a complete panic attack when I finally made it home) I carry mace. But, its not really good to use in closed quarters, like the train. The other day I had a man in his 50’s (I’m 26) sit down next to me. I had headphones in, but he just started talking to me anyway. I could still hear him. He leaned in, pressed his face into my hair to get my attention and told me that I “looked like a four course meal.” Then, he proceeded to mix in sexual advances with stories about his children. I couldn’t think of what to do. I just shut down again, and I tried to ignore him. I probably should have asked him to move or to let me out, but I literally just shut down. I don’t dress provocative. I wear business attire. Lately I wear a huge snow coat because this winter has been awful. I really don’t know what I’m doing that’s attracting the attention, or maybe its just where I catch the train. My friends joke that its the red hair. I’m scared to react with, “fuck off” or flipping them off, because I’m worried they’ll get violent. When I lived back home, after the attack, I carried a knife everywhere and it made me feel safe. Since I moved to the north I don’t carry it anymore because there is tighter security and its a little frowned upon. So I have mace. But, I can’t use mace in every situation. Advice is VERY much appreciated.

I’ve been harassed in every country I’ve lived in (currently I live in Mexico). I’ve also been sexually attacked in every country I’ve lived in. I’m just as likely to experience the direct attack as the street harassment, to be honest. I’ve had men follow me in order to grope me or stick their hands down my pants without ever saying a word. I’ve had men grab my breasts on the street or grab me and kiss me. When I worked as a waitress I had a father of three daughters, a man in his fifties (who was at the restaurant with his adult daughters) put his hands down my jeans, pull out my underwear, and whisper in my ear, “I like your pink panties.” This was a tall and imposing individual which made it all the scarier, though it was broad daylight and in the middle of a restaurant (and somehow no one noticed). I’ve been sexually menaced, grabbed, kissed, molested, followed since I was thirteen. I’ve also been raped on numerous occasions. Usually (though not always) when I was not being careful. At certain points I’ve been alcoholic and despairing. I still apparently look really young, which contributes to this (and gets worse whenever I make efforts to get in shape again and have some semblance of happiness). Just tonight I went on a bike ride to the beach to watch the sunset and then went to buy groceries, and no less than two men glommed onto me immediately. The difference was they were sweet–I have learned how to deal with starry-eyed admirers, and in spite of everything I’ve been through I am genuinely nice and have a hard time being callous (as I am sure many beautiful women who KNOW they’re beautiful are, simply because they rehearse to grow that thick skin earlier). I am definitely an ugly duckling as I always thought of myself as unattractive as a teenager (and was until suddenly things changed, around age 15). And my weight goes up and down, and honestly sometimes I prefer to be quite overweight (even though I might feel sad and unwell) because I get less attention (although it is not completely eliminated). I am trying to get back in shape now because I feel my last bout with severe depression and alcoholism just about ruined my body and I’m trying to reverse the damage.

In any case, the most vile street harassment I’ve received has been in the states (“Look at those tits!” “I’d hit that!” “Hey, fat ass!” and etc.). Here in Mexico, where I expected to get harassed worse, although I was assaulted (while drunk) by a guy I went to the beach with (with a group of people; he was also drunk), and though some random stranger broke into a neighbor’s apartment thinking it was mine and waited for me in the dark–both of these rather frightening experiences–I have had such experiences in the other places I’ve lived, and the street harassment here is pretty much limited to, “You’re so pretty!” “Hey, beautiful.” “Where are you from? Can I walk with you?” And the ubiquitous, “Little white girl,” as racial name-calling here is not an insult and is often affectionate (if clearly, in my mind, sexualized; men don’t call out “guero” or “guerito” for no reason at white dudes walking down the street). So yes I am street-harassed here, but at least not in a vile or violent manner, and no one has grabbed my body parts on the street or grabbed me and kissed me (sometimes men I know a little better will get a little overly familiar but still, no grabbing sexual parts). That’s more than I can say for Japan, which is surprising (that men here are more respectful in general, at least in public).

In the United States, I’d say MOST of the catcalling I’ve gotten has been of the vile variety. Now staring, waving, whatever, those guys are idiots and if they want to embarrass themselves that way so be it (although I must admit I like it if it’s a guy I find attractive). Following is another matter, seriously creepy, and I hate comments about body parts. And I have been grabbed by dudes in the US (in clubs, not the street) and grabbed and followed on the street in Europe and Japan, and, as I mentioned, assaulted in 4 countries and 3 continents.

To me, this is all part of a spectrum. Saying, “Hey there beautiful” and being kind of an earnest star-struck kid who really just wants to help carry my bags or something so he can talk to me is definitely different than being some creepy dude (especially if you are physically threatening and it is your job to be aware of this, men) and I am much kinder to guys like that, and try to be kind overall to men who are interested and to reject them in a nice way when they start coming on strong. Honestly, I am still far too nice. I am conditioned that way, unfortunately, and also in spite of everything I am still basically a kind person, which I think is a victory of sorts (though I can be all kinds of nasty to men I feel emotionally threatened by). In any case, it all depends on the intent. Honestly were I to turn into an ice-queen and give the cold brush-off to all I would no longer be me and I would lose a part of myself, so learning to be kind but firm with these men has been good for me. I am sure as I start to look older star-struck men following me down the street won’t be as much of a problem anymore.

But yes–it’s threatening because it’s a spectrum, and at one end you have catcalling (especially of the more misogynistic variety, although even the “hey there beautiful, I’d like to get to know you” can be a precursor to violence) and at the other end you have rape and even murder.

Just bear that in mind next time you catcall a woman. Statistically there’s a pretty good chance she’s been attacked. If you find her attractive enough to lose your manners, chances are plenty of other men have too.