Astrolove - Your Valentine's forecast

February 11, 2016

Matt Sowell

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20–Feb. 19) — If we could afford a crystal ball as big as your ego lately, it would reflect how tacky you’re being. Check yourself, Aquarius. Just because that Instagram filter got you 105 likes on your latest selfie doesn’t mean you look rocking 24/7. You are not Beyonce; you did not wake up like this. Sit down. Bae is not impressed. Buy them flowers before your pretty face is back on Tindr.

PISCES (Feb. 20–March 20) — A birthday is in your future, Pisces. See? These are legit. Unfortunately, so is a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. Don’t take it too personally. It’s not you, it’s them. You tried to make this all work out but you’re just better as friends. They’re actually cheating on you with your best friend. You’ll find out shortly after Valentine’s Day. At least you’ll have cake.

ARIES (March 21–April 19) — This month will be bomb, Aries, so buckle up. Not like bomb as in “your relationships will go up in flames,” but bomb as in “great.” Mercury isn’t in retrograde anymore, so your career will skyrocket, because science. That means work will get slightly less horrible and the meaningless rut you’ve been trudging through for months will no longer seem as though you are staring into the void of a dark, loveless future.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20) — This month will be the one that you look back on at the end of the year and think, “Man, how did it go from that to this?” This is pretty much the high point of your year. From here, it’s a downward spiral—so live it up, Taurus! Maybe you should consider skipping Lent. Enjoy the little things while you can.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20) — They ought to call you the Hungry Hungry Caterpillar, because you are about to morph into a little social butterfly. Fluttering around the social hub of Statesboro (Walmart, probably), you’re going to make new friends and explore new possibilities. This has nothing to do with a romantic relationship, but then again, neither will you in a week or so.

CANCER (June 21–July 22) — You probably should’ve popped that question last month, because your love boat is sailing away. Like the Titanic, the unsinkable “do anything” mentality you've had is about to come to a bitter end. Remember, Cancer: A captain always goes down with their ship!

LEO (July 23–Aug. 22) — Is your name Hoover? Because damn! Though your looks are on fleek, your emotional state is on freak. The full moon has really been pulling the crazy out of you. It’s not going to get much better, either. Do you hear the voices yelling in a silent scream behind your eyes? The pressure is building, Leo. It’s now or never.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) — The economy may seem fine, but the astrological signs are feeling some financial pressure due to a changing business world. Unfortunately, we have made the executive decision to terminate all Virgos from the horoscope world. We apologize for the short notice, and are allowing two weeks until your signs are discontinued. We thank you for your years of service and hope you understand.

LIBRA (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) — You’ve started the year out lazy, Libra, and boy has everyone noticed. Your significant other is sick of you sitting spread-eagle on the couch, covered in cookie crumbs and Cheetos dust. Get your life together, Libra. You’re not the person you were when you and your SO started dating. In fact, you’re becoming your father. Oh, don’t give me that look; I slave all day over a hot crystal ball while you just sit there playing COD. You want to stay on the couch all day? Fine, you can sleep there.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 22) — Get ready to be fifty shades of bruised, because this naughty/nice vibe thing you’ve had going on with bae is about to come full circle. That’s right, Scorpio, we’re talking fuzzy hand-cuffs and red candle wax. Who knew your significant other could be so aggressive? Might as well enjoy it; your safe word for the month is “daddy issues.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23– Dec. 21) — The single life has been pretty kind to you, Sagittarius, and it’s time to make a change. The stars aren’t suggesting you try and take these casual encounters more seriously, but rather that you should stop all together. In fact, you probably should have used some sort of protection. There’s either a bun in your oven or an antibiotic in your future!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22– Jan. 19) — The stars and gossip sites both hint that there is a big surprise at the end of this month. If you’ve recently had relations with a Sagittarius, look at their horoscope. If not, congrats! This is a good time to pursue your goals. Do you want a relationship or a successful career? You can’t have both. Better stay up late thinking about this for a few weeks.