Crap Tips And Money Saving Ideas - with Mickey Thomas

Welcome to the first, and probably the last edition of Crap Tips and Money Saving Ideas - with Mickey Thomas. We are hoping to make this a regular feature in the Magazine Section of the Spoof.com, although it will probably never catch on. Any similarity between this and other tips and helpful hints columns in the TV Times, Viz Comic, or The Economist is purely coincidental. Honest! It is!

Mickey Thomas

Man United Wrexham and Welsh International Footballer.

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* A sheet of A4 paper with lines down the middle done with a broad tipped marker pen and placed on the kitchen floor makes an ideal emergency landing strip for flying ants.

* For that retro 80's look, wear a white raincoat and carry a filofax. Talking in an overly loud voice and carrying a mobile phone the size of a breezeblock completes the look.

* If you're planning a survivalist trip into Death Valley, an essential item is an air conditioned Winnebago with satellite TV and a year's supply of food, drink and fuel.

* Convince the medical profession that you're as hard as nails by turning up for operations stinking of drink and insisting that you don't need anaesthetic because anaesthetics are for pussies.

* Convince neighbours you're being evicted by throwing all your furniture and possessions out into the street and tearfully hugging family members.

* Spoofers - Save time, money, and energy by getting a job and doing something worthwhile with your lives.

* An empty corn flakes packet with the flaps cut off one end, when laid on the kitchen floor makes an ideal aircraft hangar for flying ants.

* A plate of gravel topped off with shaving foam makes a fast, cheap and cheerful alternative to a cheesecake.

* Anglers - save time and money by dropping depth charges into deep water and scooping your bounty up in a big net as it floats to the surface.

* Wine buffs - save a fortune on expensive vintages by drinking cheap after-shave from the pound shop. It doesn't taste very nice, but your breath will smell fresher.

* Convince everybody you're the Prime Minister by saying "Let's be perfectly clear about this," every time anybody says anything to you.

* Beer drinkers - when you're out of beer, a pint of Lucozade topped off with a shaving foam head makes a more expensive, but aesthetically pleasing alternative.

* Make your neighbours believe you've run somebody over by smearing ketchup and clumps of hair on your car bonnet.

* Egomaniacal Spoof writers - convince yourself you're really funny and successful by logging on to the Spoof at the local library and five starring everything you ever wrote.

* Argentinian football fans - if you're planning on a full scale riot after the match, have a ready supply of missiles stockpiled at strategic locations well before the match kicks off.

* Fit in at the Notting Hill Carnival by wearing a big woolly rasta-hat, blowing a whistle, acting like every bone in your body is made of jelly and pretending you really like jerk chicken.

* Blokes - save your marriage by informing your wife that there's no need to visit the supermarket because you've ordered all the shopping online. (Ensure an adequate supply of alcoholic beverages.)

* Tourists - Leave a good impression on the locals by buying a sat-nav and not blocking the fucking pavements while you and ten of your party point excitedly at a fucking big street map in a foreign language.

* Demonstrate to the world what a patient, considerate human being you are by sending in tips and money saving ideas to crap websites by not swearing in your submissions.

* Joggers - If you really must go lumbering about the streets at five thirty am on frosty winter mornings, don't forget to cover your horrible legs up.

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If you have any tips or money saving hints you'd like to pass on to a wider audience of about 23 readers, send them in. If we like them, we'll publish them. But we'll probably be doing something more interesting, like watching the telly or getting spectacularly drunk.