I didn't steal the Big Mango

Wasn’t me what stole no giant mango. I dunno who’s got the thing. I just know it wasn’t me what nicked it, guvnor. I mighta done a few things in me time, but I never trousered no giant mango, sir.

Not that I couldn’t if I wanted to, right? Cos my pants, they’re utterly voluminous, guv. That have to be on account of the exceptionally large trouser equipment I am forced by good luck and the magic of the Birmingham family DNA to carry through this life. We all have our burdens, sir, and my particular burden is sausage shaped and spectacularly over-sized.But I promise you, I did not take no giant mango.

I know! I know I got form, guvnor. I know you got me for making off with that giant KFC bucket on top of the pole during that university scavenger hunt. But I brought it right back, didn’t I, but? Just as soon as I ascertained that there was no actual fried chicken in said revolving bucket. Just as soon as I lodged my complaint with the authorities about the blatantly misleading and deceptive conduct of one Sanders, comma Colonel, full stop, as regards the finger-lickin’ goodness to be obtained upon his premises of business, and by implications there upon, from his big rotating bucket what was on the pole enticing me in, guv. A disgrace was what that was, I tell you, sir, an absolute disgrace and I should have been applauded for exposing the fraud upon the community by this Sanders hoodlum, not harassed by your officers in the first instance and the magistrates in the second.

And yes, admitted without prejudice, I am the one what erected as a simple prank and jolly jape, sir, that gigantic novelty penis, not my own, in the middle of the university Senate garden party that one time when we all had a good larf about it. But I would point out that contrary to the modus operandi of the villains what done this particular job with the Giant Mango of the good town of Bowen, that I added that enormous phallus to the scenery, rather than subtracting it therefrom, and not in my usual fashion either, with a loosening of the belt and dropping of the strides I did.

So, no, guvnor, I am not the cove what you are lookin’ for in this particular instance.

If you are serious about doing your job here, Mister Plod, and not simply ‘arrassing an honest scribbler what is going about the business of his various pursuits, you might like to ‘ave a word with one Plamer, comma, Clive full stop, sir.

I know some coves ‘ave ‘ad it about that some short order chicken cooks might ‘ave ‘ad a sticky fingered hand in what has become of your beloved big fruit, guv. But I know for a fact that ol’ Clive he’s got him a full brace of giant fibre glass dinosaurs to feed, guvnor, and your giant novelty Cliversaurs, they do like a plate of giant novelty mango, sir. Or he might have just nicked it for ‘imself too. He’s a champion with a knife and fork, guv.