ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-"The Pentagon lifted the ban on women in combat. Finally, there will be someone in the tank who will stop and ask for directions."
-"When it was announced the ban on women in combat was lifted, Rick Santorum said, ‘What's next? Letting women vote?"

NFL Films produces stirring feature films and documentaries about professional football. With the Super Bowl just around the corner, we decided to debut a brand new segment, "NFL Films Makes Everything More Exciting." We watch.
Graphic: "NFL Films Makes Everything More Exciting."
Footage of how to hem.
ANNOUNCE: (deep, gravelly voice of the NFL Films) "Linda folds the fabric of her pants to the desired length. She cuts excess fabric with pinking shears. She puts the needle under the folded hem, pulls through and makes zigzag stitches every quarter inch. And that is how Linda hems pants.
This has been 'NFL Films Make Everything More Exciting.' "

Did you watch the Steve Kroft's "60 Minutes" interview with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton? Little did most of us know how much they admire each other. It's quite evident in this clip.
STEVE KROFT: "This is not an interview I ever expected to be doing. Why did you want to do this together. . . a joint interview?"
The President and the SofS say nothing. They just gaze lovingly into each other's eyes. Music from Saturday night Cinemax can be heard. Kroft sits, waiting for an answer. No answer comes . . . verbally, at least.
KROFT: "Thank you very much."

ACT 2:
Dave is a big football fan but has to admit this Super Bowl leaves him wanting. He likes his Colts. They aren't in the Big Game. He likes the Mannings, Peyton and Eli, but neither the Broncos or the Giants are in the Big Game. That's 3 teams Dave can really get behind but none are in it this year. The sports angle this year is each Super Bowl team is coached by the Harbaugh brothers; Jim for the 49ers and John for the Ravens. Oddly, Dave doesn't think the Harbaugh family will be watching.

The Post Office is in financial trouble. They used to be THE place to go for communication. They even used to have two mail deliveries a day. Now they can barely afford one. But the U.S. Postal Service has come up with a plan. You've heard of the trillion-dollar coin, right? Well, the Post Office has printed up the trillion-dollar stamp. Dave shows it to the camera. Heck, sell one and they're back in business. They even came up with an airmail stamp for a trillion dollars and 98 cents.

I think the best way to help out the post office is to do all your tweeting by mail.

You know what time it is? It's time for cue carder Tony Mendez and his new news show, "Noticias Actuales."
TONY: from his crouched, cue card position -- in Spanish, with English subtitles: "Thank you, Savannah. A very good evening to you. I'm Tony Mendez, here with the ‘Current News.' This weekend the San Francisco 49ers will face off against the Ravens of Baltimore, but more importantly, the halftime show will reunite Destiny's Child. Bootylicious!
And now, weatherman Rainy Mendoza."
We cut to a mustachioed Tony as Rainy Mendoza in front of a weather map. He gives a grand gesture to draw out attention to the map.
Back to Tony. He looks over his shoulder to another camera. Ominous music: "The baby is not Eduardo's!
I'm Tony Mendez; goodbye and goodbye. Back to you, loud-mouthed jerk."

Remember when Tony had that Tony Mendez Show on the internet? What ever happened to that?

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE SENDING YOUR MONKEY INTO SPACE
-I typed up an informational blue card. "Iran claims they sent a monkey into space."
Dave looks around looking for confirmation. Did they actually send a monkey into space? Is there proof? How do we know they actually did? I was sitting at my show-spot yelling quietly, "Read the rest of the card! Read the rest of the card!" Dave finally reads the rest and we learn that very little is known except that Iran says the monkey returned "intact." Dave liked the word use of "intact." I originally had "returned safely." Matt Roberts read a report that Iran said the monkey returned "intact." He had me change the word "safely" to "intact." He thought that would work better for Dave. DING! Sometimes that's all it takes to make funny out of unfunny . . . just a simple word change.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE SENDING YOUR MONKEY INTO SPACE
7. "How is it that my monkey's career is more impressive than mine."
2. "While he's away, can I get a loaner monkey?"

ACT 3:
Uh, oh. I left myself very little time for the guests tonight.

MELISSA MCCARTHY
She's the Molly on CBS' "Mike & Molly," and she stars in the new film, "Identity Thief." And she's an Academy Award nominee for "Bridesmaids."
Melissa is the mom of two girls, ages 2 and 5. They keep her so busy she would swear there were 6 of them. What's the two-year-old like? Says Melissa motherly, "She looks real sweet." It sounds nice until you think about it. Melissa then tells of the chase through a drug store running after the young one. Half the store got involved in the chase and eventual capture. The 5-year-old simply sat back and exclaimed time and time again, "This is awesome!"
Melissa co-stars with Jason Bateman in the new film, "Identity Thief." They do battle quite often in the movie. Melissa says that in order to make the fight scene look real, they really had to fight. She found that a punch to the neck is a very effective means of controlling a combatant.
"Identity Thief" – opens Friday February 8th.

ACT 4:
This next piece was scripted for Dave to talk about Melissa's appearance and David Morrissey on deck. He then was to notice something odd with the camera and take the camera's temperature. We know Dave will do what he wants before approaching the camera but we also know we should have something scripted, such as talk of Melissa and David Morrissey. Tonight, Dave talked about baseball before noticing the feverish camera.
He goes over to the camera and sticks in a thermometer. He reads it and suggests the camera should go lie down.
But what I loved about this was Dave's take on the Major League Baseball's ruling. A pitcher can't fake a throw to third base to pickoff a runner and then fake a throw to first base to pick off a runner. I'm not going to get into the minutiae of the game but this maneuver hardly ever works. It's just something to keep the runners from getting too big of a lead. BUT . . . BUT . . . about once a year around the league someone WILL fall for it and get picked off. It's for that reason I loved the move. I always want to know who is the idiot this year who fell for it. Now, that fun is over. The other thing I liked about it was the drone from the crowd, "balk." Most in the stadium know it is not a balk, but I would mumble "balk" anyway as a mock of those who thought it was. My friends and I do it even when watching on TV. Heck, I even do it when I'm alone. And now baseball has taken that fun away from us. Damn!
I guess we can still do the "balk" mumble when the pitcher fakes a pickoff to 2nd. Please leave that alone, MLB.

ACT 5:
As the camera pans the audience, Alan feels as if he's flying. Why tonight and not every night for the past 15 years? I don't know.

ACT 6:
DAVID MORRISSEY
The lad is from Liverpool and stars in the AMC series, "The Walking Dead." David described Liverpool as a commercial city that takes their art seriously. His wanting to go into acting and attend drama school was encouraged. What was odd was that he didn't say he wanted to be a drummer in a band.
He now stars in "The Walking Dead" series, which Dave calls "The Big Zombie Show." What's best about the show is he now looks cool in front of his 17-year-old son and his friends. I know what he means. My daughters' friends think I'm kinda cool. Coincidentally, they too call the show I do "The Big Zombie Show."
"The Walking Dead" – new shows return Sunday February 10th at 9 PM on the AMC.

ACT 7:
DAVID BYRNE AND ST. VINCENT
From their new album, "Love This Giant," David Byrne and St. Vincent performed "I Should Watch TV."

And that was our show for Monday, January 28, 2012.

Here was what I was hoping about the Harbaugh brothers. They have to share the spotlight with each other for their first Super Bowl. I was hoping they had a birthday a week apart so they also had to share birthdays all the time growing up. BUZZ. Jim's birthday is December 23rd, John's is September 23rd. Damn, no joke there. But I hate to make any work go unrewarded, so how about this:
Not only does Jim have to share the Super Bowl with his brother, but every year he has to share his birthday with Jesus.

And speaking of the "The Tony Mendez Show" . . . . a former Late Show staffer who manned the camera, wrote, and directed some episodes of the "The Tony Mendez Show" had a screenplay in this year's Sundance Film Festival. Yes, Chris Galletta's "Toy's House" was well-received at the Sundance Film Festival earlier this month. How tremendously exciting and rewarding for Chris. And I remember him when he just a kid here. He would always say to me, "Sorry, Mike, no mail for you today." Now look at him!

We're all familiar with the statue of Sylvester Stallone as "Rocky" on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. When I was in Tennessee, I was surprised to see a statue of Al Gore on the steps of Tennessee capital building in Nashville. But I was wrong. Turned out to be actually Al Gore. Hey-Ohhh! I can't say that! He's a guest!

During the dark week, I escaped for a few days down to the hot sun in Puerto Rico. I learned a few things.
1. The benefit to a passenger to recline his airline seat 2-inches is not near the inconvenience to the person behind him?
2. What is the numerical temperature that is the same in Fahrenheit and Celsius?
I followed the course of the plane from New York to Puerto Rico on the little monitor on the airline seat in front of me. We were flying at around 38,000 feet with an outside temperature of 57 below zero Fahrenheit. The screen would then switch to show the Celsius reading of 45 below zero Celsius (These are estimates). I then was glued for the rest of the trip for our descent and the accompanying warming of the outside air as our altitude decreased. I knew Fahrenheit would eventually pass Celsius. And at what temperature was that?
Answer: 40 degrees below zero. -40F = -40C. Now you know! Something for conversation at Sunday's Super Bowl party.

Puerto Rico --- Drinking the local Madellas – as hard as I tried, it never made a dent in me

When soaking up the hot sun in San Juan, I liked to listen to the weather report in New York. Temperatures hovered around zero. This brought a smile to my face. Similarly, when I'm home on vacation, I like to listen to the traffic report. I root for traffic .

During last week's AFC Championship game on CBS, the director pulled off a double whammy. The Ravens had the ball; the Patriots were on defense. The director cut to Ravens defensive linebacker Ray Lewis on the sideline (who cares?), then cut to offensive quarterback Tom Brady on the Patriots sideline (who cares?). At this critical moment late in the game, each was as important as the fan in section 326, row H, seat 16.

I always considered Stan Musial one of the most underrated greatest baseball players of all time. For years, Joe DiMaggio was said to be the greatest living ballplayer. Have you ever put Mr. Musial's numbers up against the Yankee Clipper? I bet those in St. Louis had something to say about that claim.
And while we're at it, take a look at Warren Spahn's numbers.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It was her birthday on Saturday, from Hillcrest, New York, it's Eileen Dooley
Wren.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER