You know what Theresa me old flower – take your austerity programme, take your police cuts, your local authority cuts, take your dementia tax, take your benefit sanctions, take your bring back fox hunting proposal, take your strength and stability, take your privatisation plan for the NHS, take your HS2, take your Brexit negotiation, take your ivory trade, take your privatisation plans for our energy, take your DUP chums, take your Saudi arms deals, take your Trump loving chums, take Iain Duncan Smith, take William Rees-Mogg and his multi-million pound government handouts, take the Mail, take the Express, take the Torygraph, take your running in wheat fields, take your “fuck me” shoes and take your necklaces made out of fox testicles and go.

Is this possible? Could Theresa May’s continuously gurning visage be a side effect of uncontrolled lemon sucking or is it just a load of old nonsense? We contacted the quack doctor who made the outrageous claim and this is what he told us: [Read more…]

US President Elect, Donald Trump is to have Nigel Farage deported from the USA as soon as possible after discovering that the creepy little shit isn’t some big shot politician after all – just some half arsed chancer who showed up at Trump Tower prostituting himself like a three dollar whore. [Read more…]

When Donald Trump was asked some time ago whether he’d ever consider entering the political arena, he responded that he had no particular political aspirations, but added that if he had he’d run on a Republican ticket, because Republicans are so self absorbed that they’ll swallow any old crap providing you tell them what they want to hear. [Read more…]

Most people who write for Café Spike have at one time or another published satirical news stories, parodies, lampoons, spoofs or whichever way you’d care to describe them. Some have been quoted in actual newspapers, like the Daily Telegraph, Metro (Although we aren’t quite sure that counts) and we’ve been mentioned on TV quite a few times. The most memorable for me was when Sky News announced that Twilight author Stephanie Meyer, and Harry Potter author JK Rawling were all set to: “collaborate on a novel – more after the break.”

During the break somebody must have realised that the story was a piss-take, because they didn’t mention it again. So near, and yet so far… Almost had you there Kay Burley…damn it.

We’ve pretty much held back on the parody news scene since we got started, yet others continue to fill the void, sometimes with great wit and originality, other times maybe a bit less so – broadly meaning that they’re a bit shit. But over the course of the 2015 General Election in the UK, the world of online satire has been bountifully blessed with myriad virtual orchards hanging heavy with rich pickings.

We looked at this and we just thought – how the fuck do you lampoon something that’s already a spoof of a satire of a parody in the first place?

Was this election the politicians’ way of taking the piss out of us?

When you consider that the electorate actually voted for the lynchpins of the worst performing government for a century, that the electorate voted for £12 billion worth of cuts directed at the sick and vulnerable whilst the multi-billion earning corporations get away with paying a big fat zero in taxes and that we had national newspapers publishing tactical voting guides in order to prevent the possibility of some sort of Satanic alliance between Labour and the SNP, then parody becomes impossible.

The entire process has been one massive piss-take directed at a gullible British public, a dirty tricks campaign that plumbed the depths of depravity from the moment it got off the ground. The press went into overdrive, roundly slagging off anybody who posed the slightest threat to the future prosperity of the rich in their ivory towers. They already admitted that over the last five years the rich have got even richer, whilst everybody else – especially the “hard working” – have become progressively poorer.

And the Conservatives actually won a majority! How stupid are we as a nation?

Of course there were a few minorly humorous diversions – such as Nigel and his purple revolution only getting the one seat as opposed to the landslide his delusional followers were so confidently expecting. Nigel failing in his election bid (again) was another. George Galloway and Esther McVey losing their seats left us with a nice warm feeling, as did the resignations of Miliband, Clegg and Farage, but truth is stranger than fiction, as the old adage goes, thus any attempt at parody would have been far less ironic or funny than the reality of it all.

At least the Scots didn’t fall for all the bullshit, but they’ll be the only ones chuckling over their porridge at breakfast time. For the rest of us the outlook is bleak.

Still, we could always move to Scotland, although the Scots would probably rip the piss out of us as well. Why not? We deserve it.

So, the election results are in, and as Mr Cameron himself might say, the electorate have sent out a clear message to our political leaders that we want the next five years to be presided over by the Conservative party. True – not everybody wants it, but the geopolitical minority obviously do. That’s democracy in action.

For the less well off, the elderly the sick, those who care about our NHS, those on low wages and zero hours contracts it maybe isn’t such an enthralling prospect. It’s another five years of living on the edge, food banks, insecure low-paying jobs, praying that you don’t ever get sick, and sort of wondering where all these people actually are who you read about in the Daily Mail? You know the ones – the ones the Sun calls ‘benefit scroungers,’ the ones who ‘come over here taking our jobs’ and walking out of benefit offices with the keys to a posh house in Mayfair and pockets stuffed with cash? The ones with the big plasma screen TVs who drive brand new BMWs, holiday in the Caribbean and dine out at Michelin starred restaurants?

I’ve never known anybody on benefits who lives like that. And I’ve known a lot of people who survive on benefits; strangely enough, none of them were exactly living the high life.

The less well off in our society – including the millions engaged in low-paid employment are pretty nervous right now. Given that the coalition government have absolutely hammered the most vulnerable in society, and with a promise of even greater austerity to come, their concerns must be taken seriously. Nick Clegg, the former Deputy PM and Lib-Dem leader has said that the influence of his party in its coalition role reined the Conservatives in to some extent, preventing them from going all-out psycho on the poor. Now that restraint has been removed and the Tories have a free hand.

Not much more than a century ago, when the British Empire was the most powerful in the world, when the rich lived in palatial luxury, the poor made the money – in the factories, in the shipyards, in the steelworks, down the coal mines, and for their labour they were worked slowly to death in appalling conditions, crowded into ramshackle slums and left to their own devices. If you didn’t work you didn’t eat, if you got sick you died. Happened every day. Most people couldn’t read or write. Travel was unheard of. People lived and died in the same small area and rarely went anywhere other than home or to work. Some joined the army, fighting for the Empire. Women were second class citizens. Life was brutal. Life was short and generally extremely unpleasant.

It was these people who were sacrificed on the fields of Flanders, these people who shed their blood, the same people who manned the factories, the mills and the pits who fought the enemy and were regarded as expendable.

Things changed. It wasn’t a simple process – this isn’t intended to be a historical document, merely a fleeting overview. Things changed because people began to care about each other, they formed alliances and fought a new enemy – oppression. The trades union movement was born – bringing equality and fairness to millions, education and womens’ rights to vote were fought for, and the crowning glory was that the National Health Service was created.

It must have seemed like Utopia – fairness at work, dignity, a sense of pride and the envy of the world – the NHS.

Consecutive governments – both Labour and Tory – have fought tooth and nail since the 1960s to either claw back, or completely remove these freedoms, and we the British public have not only allowed them to do this – we’ve given them our blessing, patted them on the back and applauded them. Something like leaving everything you’ve ever earned to your executioner because you think he’s doing a damned good job.

And before you start – no this is not some left wing socialist rant. I just want to know why we don’t seem to care about our fellow man any more. It’s a simple enough ask. We used to pride ourselves on our community and national spirit, we used to support our families, our mates and their families, our workmates, we used to have compassion, not just for our own people, for any group of people who were having a hard time. We used to send food to famine victims, help to the victims of natural disasters, and sometimes we still do back up a worthy cause but it appears to be a dying trait of our national psyche.

What happened to us? At which point did we actually stop giving a fuck about anyone else?

I spend quite a bit of time online, and sometimes it can be pretty disquieting. On the one hand you get people purring over cuddly animal stuff on Facebook, and you get people starting petitions because somebody shot a cat with a bow and arrow, or outraged because somebody dropped the ‘F’ word (The word is fuck.) on a TV newscast, and on the other hand you get people advocating gunboats in the Mediterranean and being applauded for it, and a lunatic fringe who want to pull us out of the EU because they’re afraid of Muslims. (You really couldn’t make this shit up.)

Are these people the new voice of Britain? Are these the same self-righteous people who voted in a government which has already started the creeping privatisation of the NHS? The government who vow to recoup billions from the most vulnerable in society whilst they turn a blind eye to their tax avoiding chums and the zero tax paying multinational corporations? Is this what the new voice of Britain voted for? Among a raft of equally nasty measures perpetrated by a government which will clearly only benefit the rich – who have got considerably richer as the poor die. Is this what we really want?

It must be. We voted for it. That’s democracy – even if we do have the worst performing government in a century? A government which presides over the biggest rich/poor gap since Victorian times? How did that happen?

For one thing – Rupert Murdoch and his insidious media empire. Aided and abetted by the Telegraph and the Mail. They warned of chaos if Miliband got into power and allied himself with the SNP, which seems a trifle hypocritical considering that there’s been chaos since 2010 and nobody has been effective in dealing with it. The Sun happily publishes xenophobic rants by middle aged women who ought to know better (Katie Hopkins) whilst the Express donates to UKIP, supporting its extreme right wing agenda – at the same time as the Mail, once UKIP friendly – suddenly coming to regard UKIP as a threat to the Conservative vote, omits to mention Nigel Farage at all in the days running up to the election.

UKIP were dealt a bad hand in reality – even though they shook up the mainstream parties with their xenophobic stance to a degree whereby immigration suddenly leapt up the agenda, second only to the economy. UKIP became cannon fodder because they threatened to erode the right wing vote. We all know how that turned out, and to be honest I won’t be shedding any tears over Farage. Whichever way you look at it, this election was a massive con – designed simply to divide and rule – and the electorate fell for it, hook line and sinker.

In my own constituency, Fareham, in Hampshire, a Conservative won by a landslide. I wonder if the electorate ever actually realised that by casting their votes that way they were virtually green-lighting a huge development plan known locally as Welborne, which will inevitably place unbearable strain on our already overstretched infrastructure. And that doesn’t even include further development programmes involving thousands of new dwellings. It all seems eerily reminiscent of the day after the 9/11 atrocity when I remarked to a colleague: “That was terrible. The most shocking thing I think I’ve ever seen in a nation at peace.” The reply was: “I don’t really care. It doesn’t affect me.”

But didn’t it affect us all? That’s the trouble. We’ve sold our souls. We’ve all been had. And the really sad thing is that we don’t seem to care.

One doesn’t normally expect political controversy in what is regarded as one of the safest Conservative seats in the country, yet somehow the Conservative party, aided and abetted by the local council seemed to have successfully achieved the political equivalent of poking the proverbial hornets’ nest with a sharp stick.

The current furore has historical roots in an ambitious development plan to the north of the town, known locally as Welborne; a plan embracing some 6,000 additional dwellings, which has been embraced by the council and vehemently opposed by residents of the borough. As Café Spike’s head office is in Fareham, and given that we have the right to express an opinion, our Editor In Chief, Martin Shuttlecock today issued a statement.

“There’s been a long-running dispute about this development proposal,” he told us. “On balance it appears that the local council have a vested interest in proceeding with the plan, whereas local residents have expressed deep – and quite reasonable concerns – over associated infrastructure problems. Whilst I accept that our country needs additional housing to meet the requirements stipulated by the government, it’s also quite reasonable to take into account the concerns of existing residents. These people are distinctly not NIMBY types; they’re concerned about a lack of affordable housing in the area, the destruction of a vast area of greenfield designated land in pursuit of further urbanisation, the provision of schools, the availability of medical treatment on a system which is already horrendously overstretched, endless traffic jams on already gridlocked roads and fears of becoming swallowed up by an endless urban sprawl.

“The furore, which was already blazing as a result of a lack of transparency by the local council – who appear to have a vision of a megalithic conurbation tentatively branded Solent City – was further inflamed when the Conservative party “parachuted” in out-of-towner candidate, Suella Fernandes to contest the seat at the forthcoming general election.

“Suella Fernandes is a Conservative candidate who has unsuccessfully contested seats in other constituencies in the past. According to reports she is a property lawyer who has been ‘parachuted’ in by the Conservative party at both local and national level with a mission to seal the Welborne deal, come what may, as evidenced by her immediate support for the Welborne project, despite not being in full possession of the relevant details.

“Some voters have expressed concerns that Fernandes has been conducting a below-the-belt campaign by claiming to be a local person who has the interests of local people at heart, and the voters don’t seem to be buying that.

“The bottom line is that she’ll be elected by a landslide, as Conservative candidates tend to be in this constituency, but I have to at least question her motivation in all this. The people of Fareham are good people, and my feeling is that they deserve the truth from the Conservatives at both national and council levels, and they aren’t getting that in my opinion.

“Of course, nobody would ever come out and make an honest statement to the effect of: We stand to make a fortune out of this, and so do the developers, so just kindly shut up and go away.

“Which is a shame, because the people deserve honesty, and they aren’t getting it at all. At least in my opinion.”

*The anti-Welborne/development group have a Facebook page – Fareham – Countryside Or More Housing – The Big Debate. Contributors to the page aren’t by any means fanatical; they’re actually quite accommodating and friendly on both sides of the argument. If you join the page your views will be respected and the participants are willing to discuss the issue without going overboard or being unreasonable. Unlike the prospective Member Of Parliament, who by all accounts has embraced the Welborne project yet blocked anyone from her Twitter feed with the temerity to question her claims.

Café Spike has no vested interest in the argument and acts purely as an independent observational entity.

Red Ed, as he’s known to his chums and muckers has apparently failed a course dedicated to the preparation and consumption of bacon sandwiches which he enrolled on at the Bacon Butty Institute of Birmingham last month. Apparently Red Ed felt humiliated following his much publicised attempts to successfully consume a bacon sandwich a few months ago and enrolled on the course in an attempt to revive his flagging street-cred.

“Ed regrets ever being involved in that bacon butty stunt,” Toby Wolfe – a tutor at the BBIB – told us. “He looked on it as a career defining moment, and not in a good way.”

There is no doubt that Mr Miliband appeared to struggle negotiating a bacon sandwich, grimacing throughout as he chomped and chomped as if his life depended on it. All of which sort of dented his credibility as leader of a party which purports to represent working people.

“He’s not used to bacon butties,” Wolfe sighed. “He’s a north London toff like all the rest of them, another career politician who doesn’t really have a clue about anything. Unless you include gurning – he’s dead good at that. Anyway, he doesn’t eat bacon butties for breakfast; he eats muesli or something similar. He’s very big on fibre apparently.”

The course which Mr Miliband took encompassed all aspects of bacon butty making, all the way through selection of type of bacon, bread, and cooking procedures, followed up by sauce selection. It doesn’t look so difficult on paper, so how did our aspiring Prime Minister flunk the test?

“Frankly, he was bloody hopeless,” Wolfe sighed. “He wasn’t too bad at grilling the bacon and buttering the bread, but his sauce choices were appalling. He insisted on Hollandaise, and that just doesn’t work at all. He might have stood a chance if he’d gone with the traditional choice of ketchup or brown sauce, and when he tried to eat it – it was a disaster. He had a face on him like a bulldog chewing a pissy nettle, and that’s the kind of face that doesn’t resonate with working people, who tend to devour their bacon butties with relish. You can’t possibly have a British PM who doesn’t appreciate a bacon butty – that would be like having an Italian President who hates pasta.”

The way we see it is that you can’t trust a man who vows to eliminate ‘zero hours’ contracts when his own party is as guilty as all the rest of abusing workers, and you certainly can’t trust a man who merely pretends to enjoy tucking into a bacon sandwich.

Conservative Inquisition grand master, Iain Duncan Smith today vowed to give every assistance possible to the disadvantaged in our society, after five years of kicking them in the balls and driving them to desperation, and in extreme cases, possibly suicide.

The Minister for Murder told an audience of prominent bankers at a London hotel that with an election looming it would be ‘morally indefensible’ to continue to penalise poor people for being poor. Following gasps of horror from the champagne and truffle consuming audience, Duncan Smith smiled like a shark, before adding:

“Relax, it’s just an election promise,” he said. “It’s the old carrot and stick ploy – the poverty stricken will lap it up if the greedy avaricious benefit scrounging bastards think there’s going to be something in it for them. Of course there won’t be. Promises were made to be broken, and I’m just the man for the job,” he said.

In related news the MOD announced today that it was considering a government proposal to use the long term sick and disabled for target practice during exercises on Salisbury Plain.

We want our country back! Oh yes indeedy! And who’s the ideal man for the job? Is it ‘Do Nothing Dave’ or ‘Clegg The Peg’? Or even the Millipede chap who talks like he has a mouth full of old socks? We don’t think so. If we all truly want to reclaim our nation and our glorious empire for the benefit of our future Irish/Germanic/Jewish/Muslim/Sikh/Hindu ancestors and Daily Mail readers there really is only one way to vote.

On the surface it may not appear to amount to much in the way of political strategy, given that UKIP appear to have no political strategy whatsoever – other than to withdraw from the European Union – and then probably have a rethink at some point regarding where exactly we all go from there, which nobody seems to have a clue about – apart from Nigel.

Who has a plan.

Although he appears to be reluctant to divulge it to the electorate.

Probably because it’s Top Secret and such a masterstroke of utter genius that Nigel will deliver us all from evil in Ye Olde Red Lion in Henley on Thames in much the same way as Hitler succeeded in the Beer Hall Putsch in Munich.

Although it’s doubtful Nigel would attempt such a coup in a Bierkeller – that would be far too European.

And Nigel’s a GEEZER!

We know our history.

Here’s ten reasons to vote UKIP

1 – Nigel likes a pint. Anyone who likes a pint is okay by us, and is obviously in touch with the man on the street. He likes pubs too so he can’t possibly be all bad.

2 – Nigel likes the odd bacon butty. Even committed vegans occasionally hanker after a bacon butty, so that’s a good indicator of something or other. And not only does Nigel enjoy the odd bacon butty – he knows how to eat the damn thing. Manfully. With purpose. Taking huge bites and chomping on his Warburton’s medium sliced and smoked back bacon with ketchup like a man on a mission. Not like the Millipede fellow, or Do Nothing Dave making a mockery of noshing on a Cornish Pasty wearing an expression like he was eating a maggot infested apple. Nigel rocks!

3 – Nigel doesn’t seem too keen on Romanians. Nige once legendarily revealed that he wouldn’t feel as comfortable living next door to a house full of Romanian men as he would living next door to a house full of German men. And to be brutally honest, we wouldn’t feel altogether sure about a house full of any men living next door. Houses full of men are a bit iffy at best, we reckon. Unless the house in question happens to be a fire station or a police station. So he totally nailed that one.

4 – He married a German, so he obviously isn’t racist. So no worries there then unless you happen to be a Romanian man living next door to him with eleven of your cousins.

5 – Nigel used to be a Conservative, ‘used to be’ being the operative words. Too many people accuse the Cameron chap of being indecisive and weak. When Nigel found that out he had it away on his toes sharpish. Sources reckon he thought that the Conservatives were way too left wing for his liking and not nearly tough enough on benefit scroungers and illegal immigrants. Or any immigrants whatsoever. Allegedly.

6 – Nigel distinctly does not believe in nepotism or any kind of corruption in politics. He genuinely does employ his German wife as his private secretary because she’s the only person on the planet capable of doing the job. Apart from probably Carol Vorderman, but her wage demands would probably have proved prohibitive.

7 – Nigel’s father worked as stockbroker, and Nigel himself declined a university education so he could work in the City. So he knows how it works, unlike the other political party leaders who were wasting their time dressing up like buffoons in their Bullingdon Club togs and ridiculing the oiks. Nigel worked at the coal face (figuratively speaking) so he knows the script. He probably wrote some of it. A vote for UKIP ensures that we’ll get a Prime Monster who can find his way around the system without the need of a dodgy Romanian manufactured sat-nav.

8 – Nigel has sorted out the ‘swivel eyed loons’ in the UKIP ranks with surgical precision. According to insiders he sent all the swivel eyed loons to a Romanian optometrist in Bucharest who specialises in eyeball training. It seems they’re all still loons but they’ve trained hard and can now prevent their eyeballs from swivelling.

MAIL ONLINE!!! VOTE UKIP!!!!

9 – Mail Online readers love UKIP. Read the comments in Mail Online articles relating to anything vaguely connected to Europe or immigration and they mainly say the same thing. We want our country back! Vote UKIP! So what? You may well ask. Given that the Mail’s website is the most popular newspaper website on earth, with its impeccable reputation for accurate and typo free reporting its readers and commenters must be right. The Mail obviously has the most politically savvy readership of any organ, so they can’t possibly be even remotely misguided. Even if a lot of them do accidentally leave ‘Caps Lock’ on for no explicable reason most of the time.

10 – UKIP have a solid policy for governance. Nobody seems to know quite what it is yet, but when we pull out of Europe we’ll be able to go back to the good old days of Empire and export curries and kebabs alongside call centre activities to places like the Windward Islands and everything will be hunky dory.