Search form

Evolution of the Self

Among other things, narcissists typically come across as arrogant, manipulative, entitled, and woefully lacking in empathy. But if these defining features are understood at a deeper level—as powerful psychological defenses to protect them from experiencing a truly frightening vulnerability—a quite different picture of them emerges. . . .

Once a relationship, however sweet, tender, and loving, has been domesticated. it can no longer be romantic. For some of the crucial things that make romance romantic—though they include feelings of amorousness and affection—also contain elements doomed to decay. So what is it about Romance that makes it so wondrous, yet ultimately so impossible to hold onto?

There’s no way of telling just how common this form of procrastination is. But given the phenomenon of psychological reactance, it’s safe to say that at some point you’ve probably been guilty of it yourself. That is, of delaying something which not only would be good for you to do but which you actually want to do. . . .

Almost everyone is familiar with the fight-flight response—your reaction to a stimulus perceived as an imminent threat to your survival. However, less well-known is the fight-flight-freeze response, which adds a crucial dimension to how you’re likely to react when the situation confronting you overwhelms your coping capacities and leaves you paralyzed in fear.

Tragically, since recorded history corporal punishment has been the “default” system for disciplining children. In the past century, however, evidence demonstrating its ineffectiveness has mounted to the degree that it can no longer—whether ethically or pragmatically—be justified. It’s therefore regrettable that today it's still common in the U.S.

Given the particular situation, children (like all the rest of us) are doing the best they’re capable of. So what are some ways that parents might effectively confront their child’s annoying, hazardous, or otherwise troublesome behavior—without, that is, having to punish them for it?

However exasperating a child’s behavior may be, it’s still—in most instances—age-appropriate. So when kids misbehave (according, that is, to grown-up standards), they’re prompted to do so primarily because of powerful forces in them they lack the cognitive development to control.

Feelings of guilt arise from betraying your ethical standards. As a psychological phenomenon, though, guilt can be quite thorny. For if you’re afflicted with a tyrannical superego—one that feels compelled to torment you for the slightest perceived infraction—you’ll be haunted by such feelings even when you haven’t done anything that culpable.

Maybe it was the 1000th time I heard that familiar, but fictitious, explanation: “It must have been his [her/their] inner demons that made them do it!” that I felt the strongest urge to scream. Why? Simply because the errant thoughts and behaviors we’re all prone to can almost always be understood without alluding to satanic forces insidiously goading us from within.

In the idyllic state of romantic love, you typically attempt to secure the object of your passion by putting their wants and needs ahead of your own. It’s as though you’re saying to yourself: “So I can make you mine, I’ll make fulfilling your desires more important than my own.” But that relational stance yet includes a crucial contingency clause. . . .

LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers' sweep of the Atlanta Hawks last night to capture the Eastern Conference title and earn themselves a trip to the NBA Championship Series is—certainly for Cavs fans—cause for considerable celebration. And what a vindication! . . .

The desire to become your personal best is normal—and it’s admirable. But wanting to become better than others, not so much . . . maybe not at all. For, so defined, this particular goal reflects an inflated, aggressive, and possibly domineering ego. If you genuinely see yourself as unique—for, after all, there’s never been anybody exactly like you, then . . .

So many of us are afflicted with negative, left-over-from-childhood, programming that keep us from reaching our full potential. In my many years as a psychologist, the two self-defeating inscriptions I’ve encountered most are “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t succeed” (or “will fail”). And there are many other self-defeating beliefs that hold us back. . . .

When you’re feeling stressed, out-of-sorts, or on-edge, you should be able to turn to whatever offers you comfort. Still, some forms of self-soothing are much healthier, safer, and adaptive than others. And regrettably, certain ways of comforting yourself can carry a steep price tag—and in the end be seriously detrimental to both you and your relationships. . . .

It’s become increasingly common for therapists to note that underlying your anger are feelings of hurt. In fact the more pronounced your anger, the greater the hurt it conceals. So if the phrase “angry tears” sounds oxymoronic to you, that’s because it is: It’s profoundly descriptive of human experience yet, on the face of it, certainly seems contradictory. . . .

Being in heated conflict not with others but with yourself can—let’s face it—be agonizing. To be split down the middle, to endlessly waver between two (and sometimes more) options, can at its worst be almost unimaginably distressing. Obsessive to an extreme, it can lead to a paralysis of will (not to mention, much lost sleep). . . .

There may be no more disagreeable remark you can make than to tell someone: “I know you better than you know yourself.” Why? Simply because such a comment is almost always taken as a put-down. So whether or not your analysis is correct, they’re likely to be offended. Or they may feel embarrassed or humiliated by your so authoritatively “dissecting” them.

There’s authentic virtue, and then there’s a kind of chronic, not-quite-credible virtue that doesn’t—and can’t—reflect the individual’s true nature. Their righteous words and actions, though perceivable as virtuous, may not come from their heart but their head. And what they say may belie what they’re really thinking—may not, in essence, “capture” who they truly are.

Whether fast or slow, it comes on hard—as powerful as a bludgeon, but one covered in the softest velvet. It’s two-faced as well, like an optical illusion. And it’s also supremely paradoxical. How can an unreturned love engender such ecstatic, sublime feelings? Yet the chemical dynamics of reciprocation fantasies can be incredibly powerful...

The closer your attachment to someone, the more an effect their words will have on you. So assuming you’re in a committed relationship, how your partner addresses you can closely connect to how good, or secure, you feel about yourself. Moreover, given the nature of intimate relationships, your partner is as likely to be reactive to your words as you are to theirs...

When you become passionate about something, or someone, you want to hold onto it, attach yourself to it, possess it. Fascinated or enchanted, you experience a high, your spirits soar. So naturally you desire to have the object of your attraction close by, to make it your own—and permanently. So what’s the problem with this? Unfortunately, just about everything...

Undeniably, forgiving others for their wrongs to you has many practical, as well as spiritual, advantages. But the problem is that too often it takes place in the head, rather than the heart. Primarily an intellectual act, it doesn’t go nearly far enough. Rational, logical, and objective, it assumes—wrongly—that mental effort alone can talk the heart out of its feelings.

Sure, you need boundaries. And undeniably, you have the right to assert them—whether to safeguard your privacy, self-respect, or basic sense of decency. So it’s crucial to develop the ability and self-confidence to say no, or to tell others to stop doing what they’re doing. But what also needs to be emphasized is that some of your boundaries may be holding you hostage. . .

When someone comes into therapy essentially requesting a major mental and emotional overhaul, I typically warn them that we’ll be doing a lot of grief work. That is, if we’re to accomplish a major transformation of their self-image, they’ll need to revisit many of the times and places where their painfully felt insecurities and self-doubts originated.

In my previous post, I emphasized that merely "salvaging" a relationship can’t lead to meaningful, long-lasting couples’ change. The main problem with such rescuing is that it focuses mostly on reducing the negatives between the two beleaguered partners. What’s really needed is for them to identify—and effectively address—the deeper dynamics of their relational distress.

Surely, we all know (or know of) a hypochondriac. And a cyberchondriac—a colloquial term for hypochondriacs perpetually scouring the Internet for diseases that might fit their worrisome symptoms—have also become increasingly prominent. But might there be some practical benefits to being hypervigilant about atypical or anomalous bodily sensations?

When I speak of “old programs,” I’m referring to childhood decisions you made to better adapt to a conditionally accepting family. After all, when you’re highly dependent on your caretakers for comfort, guidance, and support, what could be more essential than feeling securely bonded to them? For you certainly can't function autonomously. . . .

All bitterness starts out as hurt. And your emotional pain may well relate to viewing whomever, or whatever, provoked this hurt as having malicious intent: as committing a grave injustice toward you, as gratuitously wronging you and causing you grief. For righteous anger is what we’re all likely to experience whenever we conclude that another has seriously abused us.

Positive connotations for the word "salvage" aren’t very favorable. For salvaging something typically involves rescuing it after it’s been all but lost or destroyed. Whatever is retrieved is hardly in the best shape. If you’re in a relationship that has seriously decayed, merely “saving” it from its final demise doesn’t mean you’ve made it all that much better.

Being codependent is hardly the same as simply being dependent. And in some ways it’s crucial that these two types of dependency be seen as distinct—as too often hasn’t been the case. Not, however, that codependent individuals aren’t dependent on others. So what's the peculiar dynamic operating in such relationships that makes them so tricky to understand?

About Evolution of the Self

This blog is mostly about helping readers develop deeper insights into themselves and others. Aiming to be as practical as possible--and adopting a non-blaming, non-shaming perspective toward our various foibles--it suggests ways in which we may become more aware, more contented, and happier, individuals. The therapist/writer's many varied posts have by now received over 9 million views.