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Author
Topic: Serodiscordant stress (Read 1628 times)

My partner and I have been together for about five years give or take. I became HIV positive shortly before we began dating and didn't test positive until about 2+ years into our relationship. He has remained HIV negative.

Last week, he went to the doctor for a routine check up and seeing that his other half has HIV, they do an HIV test.

Later that day, when we were out and about he hands me his phone and there is an email from his doctor that says, "your HIV test today returned back negative."

For some reason I about lost it. The stress of it was just a lot. Being HIV positive for me has become routine, old hat if you will. I can deal with that. The thought of him ever becoming positive is just a bit overwhelming. I've been undetectable since diagnosis and we do practice safer sex however we are not nuns. There is a risk.

He is cool as a cucumber about the whole thing. It worries me 1000 times more than he worries about it. He's not worried and was a bit taken back when he saw that i had a reaction to his negative test. We talk very openly about me being positive and don't keep any secrets about it. He has seen an HIV doctor at my clinic on his own to learn about HIV and what it means to be the negative person in this relationship. He is comfortable with how everything has gone and has been absolutely wonderful during this whole process.

So why am I such a basket case about it sometimes......seems Ike it should be the other way around...sorry for the babble

While reading your post my heart jumped a skip until the word "negative" on the phone message -- I think because I have the same concern in my relationship.

I know that in theory we share the responsibility to be safe, but in reality I feel that it is my responsibility - and I worry about it. We are still navigating the safe sex waters, although I just got down to 39 copies (my doc says UD is now below 20 copies) and I am perhaps overly conservative about safe sex for now.

I guess it all depends on the individual and the dynamics of the relationship. I've been on both ends of serodiscordant couplings (twice when I was neg and once as a pozzie).

In the case of my first pozzie boyfriend (well, first boyfriend, period), circa 1994, he would stress out in ways that eventually destroyed our relationship. His fear of infecting me was such that he was afraid even of safer sex. This led us to a sexless partnership, cheating (both of us did), and a somewhat nasty breakup.

The second pozzie boyfriend, the one who died (and who was verbally and physically abusive), was not as stressed out about the whole AIDS thing. There were plenty of other things to worry about in that ghastly excuse of a relationship.

When I became a pozzie, my negative lover did not worry much. I was concerned about him, but we stayed safe(r). Nonetheless, he would often ask for "unorthodox" sex claiming my being undetectable, our "monogamy", and his role as the active partner as reasons/excuses to "break the rules." We stayed on and off for a while, but I called the whole thing off as I wanted other things in life and felt that he deserved better in that respect. He remains negative to this day.

I can see why you might stress out a little, but don't allow your concerns to cause any damage to your relationship. Concern should not become stress or unnecessary fear.

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I do not think it is all that unnormal to be worried. This is a man you care for and you want to protect him. Fear is not usually rational, so the fact that you think he should be more concerned than you are isn't surprising. It is the same way with me. The day I tested positive, I was sure he would be poz too. I had topped him so many times without a condom, I couldn't see how it would go any other way. Waiting for his result was worst than waiting for my own. I cried when he came back neg too. I still worry, despite practicing safer sex - 7 yrs later. The Rev. gives good advice -- be sure to talk about it, don't hold it in. My fear led to a very long "dry spell" between us and it still causes me to say "I have a headache" at times -- probably far more than either of us like.So -- your stress is understandable. Let it out though -- here, of course, but more importantly, with him.

I also worry that I may infect my partner somehow. When I was dx'd in the hospital, he was tested. I was extremely relieved he was neg. We had so much unprotected sex in the years leading up to my dx and when my vl was probably sky high, that I thought it would be unlikely he would be neg. On the rare occasion we do have anal sex, we use condoms. However, he did get a lot of blood on his penis a while back. We had protected sex. Afterwards, he was lying on top of my backside. When he got up, he had blood all over his genitals. I'm getting into TMI territory here, but I have a fissure. This is why we rarely have anal sex anymore.

It did concern me. I wondered whether his urethra was submerged in a pool of blood in my butt cheeks. Sorry for being gross. He was not concerned at all. So, we basically have oral sex. However, at least twice a week, he bites his lips or cheeks while eating. He bites it so hard that it causes a wound with bleeding. His dentist can't find anything wrong with his bite. So, I find myself asking him whether he has recently bitten his lips or cheeks, before letting him perform oral sex. Not very sexy, I know.

Before it sounds like I'm constantly worried about infecting him, I'm not. It is just a fear that will pop in my head from time to time. When he doesn't feel well, my mind can't help to wonder whether he could possibly be infected. I know--not feeling well means nothing, but irrational thoughts are like that. He recently had a physical for the fire dept. His neutrophils, lymphs, and something else were off. I know these could have been off for any number of reasons, or just the lab. However, I began wondering whether he could be infected. I suggested it was past time for another test, but he didn't feel it was necessary.

When deciding when to start meds, I always think I am discounting one of the reasons to start--to be UD for sex. Sometimes I do think I'm being selfish, by not being on meds. If he became infected, after we knew my status, I am not sure I could forgive myself. I am so grateful he isn't the worry type and didn't run for the hills. However, I don't want him to be too complacent. I know it is recommended neg partners be tested at least once a year. But, he doesn't see the need to take the time and expense, given that we have protected sex.

I sit and wait nervously every time he gets a test . Bob says so what if he does get HIV , Sort of annoys me . We have been together over 30 years , So far so good . I often shut down just not to be unsafe .