Believe it or not, Valencia manager Rafa Benítez is not Carol Vorderman. Rafa doesn't attend television awards in ill-fitting cat-suits. He certainly doesn't lend a "scientific" hand to endless margarine adverts. Hell, he doesn't even disgrace himself with fishnet tights and lamentable Cher impressions (not in public anyway). Above all, though, Rafa - unlike the Vord at the Board - can't count. And it could cost him. Dearly.

On Wednesday, Valencia safely found their way past Novelda from the Second Division B in the Copa del Rey. Not a bad result considering six First Division sides fell and even the Mighty Oviedo went out. However, the story doesn't have a happy ending: with all of a minute to go, Rafa made a substitution, bringing on Serban in place of Vicente. The problem is that Serban is from Romania, which - for those of you from the Ian Rush school of international awareness - is not in the EU.

So what? Well, Valencia already had the maximum three non-EU players on the pitch (the Argentinians Pablo Aimar and Fabián Ayala and the Yugoslav Miroslav Djukic). Not that Rafa knew he'd broken the rules, of course - how should he know what comes after three?

To be fair to Rafa, he wasn't the only Valencia man to add three and one and come up with, erm, three. Valencia's match-day "delegate", Juan Cruz Sol, the man charged with such high level diplomacy as filling in substitute forms and making sure there's the right number of people on the pitch (oops), also failed to notice. One man who didn't was swotty Novelda manager Juan Francisco Sánchez, who promptly grassed on poor Rafa.

The punishment will be meted out this week and it could well be catastrophic for Valencia. Not only will they almost certainly get booted out the Cup, but they could face a 2million-peseta fine and Rafa could be banned from managing for as much as six months.

The Novelda boss is, naturally, gutted. No really - "If I'd known the consequences of making a complaint, I wouldn't have said anything", he insisted, stifling a giggle. Meanwhile, Real Madrid Director-General, Jorge Valdano, helpfully pointed out that "rules is rules".

Oh well, at least Rafa can console himself with Sunday's result in the Camp Nou. Always assuming, of course, that he realises that his side's 2-2 draw is one better than the 3-2 defeat that Héctor Cúper achieved at the end of last season. 2-2's not bad, but it should have been even more for Valencia. They were certainly the better side and twice led - through Salva and Marchena - only to be pegged back.

Not for the first time, Barça didn't convince. Beak-nosed boss Charly Rexach sought to justify his side's performance by gibbering something about this being a "mad, mad league - and it's going to get madder".

The return of the entertainers

Rexach might be right, too - some of Spain's great entertainers were back this weekend and out to prove a point or three: Málaga's Uruguayan headcase Darío Silva scored on his return to help his side to a 2-1 win over Villarreal, while big-mouthed Depor striker Diego Tristán struck twice to see off Zaragoza, a result which - alongside Celta's 3-1 destruction of Betis - sees another Galician one-two at the top of the table.

And there's even better news from La Coruña, too - this column's favourite player, Djalminha, is back. The Brazilian genius who wows the world with an awesome range of skills, thrills and abuse, might even be on display in Manchester this week.

With Diego, Darío and Djalma once again lighting up our lives, only hamster-faced driving test-dodger Raúl Tamudo let the side down this weekend - Espanyol fell to a 2-0 defeat at the hands of Beenee Samways's Las Palmas. Unfortunately for Las Palmas, however, their Canarian rivals Tenerife were also busy winning 2-0, thanks to a superb long-range chip from their latest signing, classy midfielder Iván Anía (from Oviedo, naturally).

Meanwhile, it was Clash of the 'tashed 'uns in Vitoria: Vicente del Bosque versus Alavés's very own Thompson Twin (and his Thompson Twin), Mané. It was lucky there was so much excitement on the místers' upper lips because out on the pitch it was dire, finishing 0-0.

However there were less turbulent - and far more exciting - times for la primera's other mustachioed manager, Pepé Moré. His Valladolid side thumped Athletic Bilbao 4-1, with Tote grabbing a hat-trick.

Nevermind the bollocks...

Finally, a quick word from those highest of high-brow broadcasters at Cadena Cope Radio station, who've been talking bollocks again. Well, not bollocks exactly. You see, a week or so back they started debating who had the best tackle in the Spanish league. And we're not talking studs-up-rob-the-ball, either, oh no.

As Spain's top football magazine Don Balón reported, Cope's Cristina Cubero was quick to inform listeners that it's not only Michael Reizeger's lips that are unfeasibly large, while kind words were heard about Real Madrid's sometime bench warmer Fernando Morientes.

But, claims Tomás Roncero - who's clearly been spending too much time up a lamp-post outside the Bernabéu with a telephoto lens - Real Madrid's Claude Makelele is the man way out in front (ahem, so to speak) - his team-mates even call him the "Ebony Tripod". Of course, all these guys pall into insignificance compared to the late, great Nayim - and you can guess what sorry joke is coming next - the only man to ever lob Seaman over 40 yards. Boom, boom.