Recently, we talked about why New Year Resolutions can be utter bullshit.

But that is not an excuse to just throw your hands up, give up, call it a day, and resign yourself to the fact that you’ll never fully recover from divorce. Or become financially secure. Or quit feeling guilty. Or take better care of yourself. Or quit living in the past.

Hell no. You didn’t think you’d get off that easily, did you?

This week, we’re going to start digging deep on how to change the way we think about New Year Resolutions. But this doesn’t stop once the month of January is over. Over the next few weeks, we’re going to drill down on the goals we have for ourselves that we think are unattainable, and actually start making them realistic, attainable, and even fun.

And the first step is simplest of them all.

Startsmall.
It sounds simple, but it’s not easy. And when we’re looking to change what we don’t like in our lives, especially during divorce, startingsmall can seem kinda worthless. But I’ll tell you why it’s absolutely crucial.

Startingsmall means you will no longer be overwhelmed and hard on yourself when you’re trying to reach a big goal.

Let’s break this down.

Get out your paper, pass your friends a note, because we’re going back to study hall and doing an outline!! Say, for example, you want to move the hell on from your divorce. That’s pretty admirable but impossible to obtain if you don’t get more specific. So, let’s see what startingsmall looks like.

Instead of This Big But Overwhelming Goals: I want to move on.

Try These Small Steps Instead:

Define what moving on means to you…and be specific!

Break it down into categories

List those small objectives in each category

The more specific the things you list, the more tangible the tasks become

Focus on just doing one of these tasks today. Then repeat tomorrow with a different task. And the day after.

Let’s see what startingsmall means when it’s put into action.

1.Define what “moving on” means. If you can’t be specific, there’s no way in hell you can attain it. So, let’s take a crack at defining it for ourselves

Moving on means being independent, regaining confidence, not feeling stuck, and not living in the past

2.Break it into categories

Independence

Confidence

Getting Unstuck

Not living in past

3.List smaller, more tangibles objectives in each one of these categories

Independence—this can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, but for now, but many of you have said this means financial independence, so let’s drill down on that

Financial Independence…what does it mean to you?

Moving Out and getting your own home

Re-entering the workplace

Formulating your own budget on your income alone

Confidence…what does it mean to you?

Learning how to say “no” when I’m overwhelmed

Learning to be okay with being single

Establishing better boundaries with my family

Strengthening my support system

Taking better care of myself

Repeat these steps with Not Feeling Stuck and Not Living in the Past. Make a list of what those mean to you, and be specific.

4. The more specific things you list, the more tangible they become. Remember, Specific=Tangible

Now that you’ve started to break down these tasks, pick one—just one—that you can start working on. Many of you have mentioned how hard it is to deal with loneliness and feeling like you don’t have a good support system, so let’s hone in on that for a second. If you can’t remember where we listed it, it’s #4 under the Confidence section. Here’s what it will look like:

Strengthening my support system

What does that mean to me? List the ways you would like to strengthen your support system. A good place to start is the following:

Do an internet search today to see what type of divorce support groups are in your area

Go to meetup.com and see what groups they have that you would be interested in—book clubs, hiking, learning to dance, the list is endless. Pick one today to research and RSVP to one of their events

Call up one of your friends today to talk.

Go to a class at your gym. Say hello to three people and ask who they’re doing.

5. Focus on doing just one task today. Then repeat with a different task tomorrow. Then repeat the day after.

What small thing are you going to work on today?

One of my goals this year is to establish a more person-to-person presence of Surviving Your Split in my city. So today, I will sign up to two wellness networking events.

And tomorrow, I will make a list of the business in my town who may be interested in working together.

How about you?

The purpose of this exercise is not to make you feel overwhelmed, and is not to send the message that “holy shit omigod I thought I just had five things to do and now I have infinity things to worry about! To hell with trying to attain any type of goal, I’m never going to get anywhere!”

All you need to do is startsmall. Think of the big goals you have, then break them into tiny, bite-sized pieces. And do just one of those. And it may not seem like much, but I promise you, the more consistent you are with doing the manageable bite-sized stuff, the faster and easier it will be to attain those big overarching goals.

We are going to work more on this plan next email, where we’ll dive into how to keep your tasks realistic, kind to yourself, and achievable.

But in the meantime, I want to hear from you! What big goals are you intimidated by? And, as you follow this outline, what small steps have you identified that you can work on instead?

I love hearing from you, so let me know by replying to this email. And if you need a little help, give me a holler.

That’s all we have for now. But until next time, remember to take care of yourselves! You deserve it.

Warmly,

Martha

PS—If you have friends or family who could use some love right now, forward this email, or sign them up (with their permission). Sharing is caring.

Well, we’re in the middle of the first month of the New Year, and by this time, most people’s New Year Resolutions are already out the window. You may have vowed to yourself throughout December that you were going to get up early every morning to hit the gym. Or you were going to lay off the drinks. Or you were going to quit thinking about your ex. Or you were going to stop feeling guilty about the divorce.

But here you are, going through the third week of 2018, and the following has most likely happened.

The alarm clock rings at 5:30am, you slam the button, turn over, and go back to sleep.

You come home after a rough day of work and the first thing you do is grab the dirty wine glass from the dishwasher and empty the bottle of wine that you opened last night.

You catch yourself looking at your ex’s Facebook post, scrutinizing all the pictures and overanalyzing their status updates. Or, when you go to bed at night, you catch yourself thinking about how empty the other side of the bed is.

Or, as you’re trying to plan a weekend getaway with your friends, you start thinking about how bad you feel that your spouse isn’t there with you.

So much for resolutions and starting over, right? It seems like we just can’t get a break.

But I’m here to tell you to tell you that all is not lost, and just because thing mid-January aren’t going as you planned on December 31st doesn’t meant you’re destined for a crappy 2018.

You just need to change how you treat resolutions.

And when you change how you treat resolutions, you can improve how you recover from your divorce.

Don’t stress if your own resolutions seem out of reach. There’s a better way to get there. Image via MarketingLand.

But first, there is a dirty secret about starting over that you need to know.

New Year’s resolutions give you a dream, but do not give you a plan.

And this is exactly why we most of us fail at them. And continue to be hard on ourselves. And continue to be stuck, unable to move on, and struggle to put the past behind us. This conundrum hits home even more when you’re trying to navigate your divorce, or trying to rebuild your life after one.

Think about it. When is the last time you’ve ever been able to achieve anything in your life by making some broad sweeping statement? It’s impossible. The only way you can achieve what you set out to do is you make a plan for yourself.

You must start small.

You must

set realistic and achievable goals for your divorce recovery.

You must set up a system for tracking those goals.

You must set up a system to remain accountable to those goals.

And if you don’t think you can do it yourself, then find someone who can help you stay accountable.

These steps are the only system that can give you follow-through on the things you want for your future. They will keep you from feeling overwhelmed. And you can apply them to anything you’d like to overcome in 2018—whether it’s making the decision to leave the marriage, leave the house, become financially independent, make new friends and overcome loneliness, get rid of your guilt, or just getting out of your rut. Taking stuff step by step is the only way you’ll get through the madness.

But you won’t go through it alone.

For the next few weeks, we’re going to address these steps—each session building on the other. And at the end, you’ll have a greater clarity on how you can accomplish the things you want to with your divorce and recovery this year.

So if you’re ready to get started, why not send me an email and let me know what you want to achieve this year—what do you want for yourself? I read and answer every email, drop me a line.

That’s it for now. But until we speak again, remember to take care of yourselves. You deserve it.

Warmly,

Martha

PS—If you have friends or family who could use some love right now, forward this email, or sign them up (with their permission). Sharing is caring.

Happy New Year, Friends!

Now that the holidays are over, we usually tend to feel one of two ways. Some of us are super-excited and motivated to start the year off right.

Then there’s the rest of us.

You know–those of us who are like, “Ughhhhhhh January is so depressing! I spent too much money! I ate too much! And I still have another year of this divorce shit I need to deal with.”

Hey, I hear you! January is the month where most people pull the trigger on divorce, and decide that it’s time to end the marriage. This time can be confusing and overwhelming, with many of us having no clue where to start.

Depending on where you fall within the spectrum of the New Year–whether you’re motivated and excited, stressed and overwhelmed, or somewhere in between, there are just four easy things you need to ask yourself and clarify before you go on your way.

And the sooner you figure out these four very easy things, the easier everything else becomes.

“Get to the point, Martha! What are they?”

So, here we go….

The Four Things You Must Know for an Easier Divorce and Recovery

1. What sucks for you right now? Be specific on this one.

2. What could make it easier for you? Be realistic on this one. No hitmen.

3. What do you want this year? Specific goals here. No lottery winning.

4. Who can help you along the way? No fairy godmothers. Or hitmen.

Seriously. Once you identify those four things, it will be so much easier to organize all the legal/financial/logistical divorce crap, identify the non-negotiables in your divorce, as well as give you the confidence and direction you deserve as you start over.

Want to move forward but don't know where to start?

Get Instant Access to my Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide!

Discover the easy way to quit drowning in guilt

Rebuild your confidence and find amazing support

We respect your privacy. No spam, ever.

So please, email me or just hit “reply” to this email and let me know.

Next time, I’ve got a special treat for you all that can help you clarify those four things, as well as give you the kick in the ass you may need this time of year. Be on the look-out, because you’re going to love it.

Well, that’s all we have for now. But until we speak again, remember to take care of yourselves! You deserve it.

Warmly,Martha

PS—If you have friends or family who could use some extra love right now, forward this email, or sign them up (with their permission). Sharing is caring.
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Well, it appears that we’re knee-deep in this holiday season business, and that frustration may be creeping up on you.

You know—that feeling when your head starts to pound and you feel so stressed that you could just scream and jump out the window, or throw someone—your ex, your boss, your kids, the dude who won’t stop texting in the middle of the damn movie—out the window.

Ah, don’t you just love it when things aren’t going as planned, and it seems that the whole world is against you?

It’s natural to feel like this when you’re going through the shit-show that is divorce, or when you’re trying to pick up the pieces of the life you thought you knew after it’s over.

Making it through another day of the divorce mess sucks when it’s any other time of the year. But when you add in the holiday stress—the cooking, the shopping, the insane expectations shoved down our throats, the finances being stretched to the point of breaking—it’s completely normal to feel like the whole damn world is against you.

So, today, before you launch into another weekend, here’s a few things for you to remember.

What you feel is temporary.

Chew on that for a second. All this shit that you’re going through is temporary. It may not feel like it right now, especially during the holidays when emotions are amplified, but I promise you, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. Hell, it may not be three months from now. But the nightmare you feel will pass.

So the next time you are feeling overwhelmed, I want you to stop, take a breath, and tell yourself the same thing that medical professionals tell folks who are going through rehab.

This too shall pass.

That may sound trite and cliché, but dammit, it’s true.

Imagine your life and your future as a giant beach, with millions of grains of sand stretching as far as the eye can see. It’s vast and beautiful.

Now, imagine what you’re going through right now as just one tiny grain of sand—out of trillions (trillions!) of grains that make up that beautiful beach.

Your life and your future and what happens after the holidays is that big beautiful beach. Look at that beach, recognizing its beauty and what it can do for you, and step over that one grain and move on to the amazing things that await you.

Exercise: Letting Go of this Holiday/Divorce Madness

During the rest of month, if you still consider to struggle with getting through the season, I would invite you to do the following…

When you’re feeling crappy, stop and identify what exactly it is you’re feeling crappy about.

You’ll want to dig deep and be specific. Oftentimes, we carry this burden of feeling shitty and just let it be this unidentified gray weight that hangs over us. It’s like this unwelcome house guest that we know is there, but can never seem to find. Take a look at my example below!

Instead of the general and unidentifiable emotion: I’m really hating this time of year right now.

Try being more specific with that uneasiness and dread you have: I’m really struggling because I thought I would have the kids this Christmas and I won’t. I’m going to feel so lonely and it just won’t be like the Christmases that I used to love.

Now that you’ve identified the exactly think that you don’t like, and the exact thing that you feel is not going your way this holiday season, how can you flip the script to change your outlook on what’s bugging you? To put in the most productive way possible…

How can you direct that emotion and energy into something that heals you?

It won’t be easy, and it will take practice and persistence. But when nothing seems to be going the way you wanted, or expected it to, you have two choices. You can continue to fret and stress and spend your energy lamenting about your current situation, or you can direct that energy and change the course.

Fair enough. So let me show you how. Let’s take a look at our previous example

I’m really struggling because I thought I would have the kids this Christmas and I won’t. I’m going to feel so lonely and it just won’t be like the Christmases that I used to love.

Okay, so things aren’t going our way in this example because we won’t be spending Christmas with the kids. So, how do we direct that emotion and energy of not spending time holidays with the kids into something healing?

What are your ideas?

Take a look at some of my own. I’m feeling lonely, so I can spend my energy instead on creating an alternate community. Instead of using that energy to feel bad that I’m not with my kids this Christmas, I am going to channel that energy into creating community. I will see if the local soup kitchen needs volunteers during Christmas.

Things aren’t going my way because I expected this Christmas to be with my spouse. We’re separated, so that’s not happening. This year, I will divert that lonely energy into taking a short getaway—to someplace I’ve always wanted to go that didn’t have the chance to while I was with my spouse.

So, how about you? Do you feel like things aren’t going the way you want them to this holiday season?

Want to move forward but don't know where to start?

Get Instant Access to my Free Divorce Goddess Recovery Guide!

Discover the easy way to quit drowning in guilt

Rebuild your confidence and find amazing support

We respect your privacy. No spam, ever.

How will you redirect those emotions and energy into something helping and healthy for you?

I’d love to hear from you, so email me if you want to share, or you can just reply to this message. You can also post your comments on the blog.

How are you doing this holiday season? Do you need any extra help? I’d love to hear from you so reach out to say hello.

That’s all for now. So until next time, remember to take care of yourselves. You deserve it.

Warmly,

Martha

PS–And if you know anybody who could use some extra love and a gentle kick in the ass during their divorce and recovery, tell them about our site! Sharing is caring!

]]>http://survivingyoursplit.com/things-arent-going-waydivorcedivorce-help/feed/1Here’s what you need to know from now til January 2nd.http://survivingyoursplit.com/heres-need-know-now-til-january-2nd/
http://survivingyoursplit.com/heres-need-know-now-til-january-2nd/#respondWed, 22 Nov 2017 13:13:13 +0000http://survivingyoursplit.com/?p=797Well folks, it’s almost here.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means Christmas is coming.

Which means we’ll most likely be dreading the stress, craziness and visions of perfection shoved down our throats.

For many of us, the holidays can feel dark, lonely, and stressful—especially if we are going through or recovering from divorce. And instead of looking forward to the beautiful decorations, smell of baking pies, and holiday songs on the radio, we instead may feel triggered by sadness.

So this week, I wanted to give you all a few pointers to remember as you navigate the next few weeks.

You may be going through divorce or recovering from divorce right now, but that doesn’t mean this season has to make you feel worse. Moving on from divorce and our lives does not mean that we cannot enjoy the holidays. In fact, we can even make them better than over before when we remember the following.

Manage expectations, but remain optimistic.

For years, we have been inundated with people telling us how the holidays “should” be. It could be from watching impossibly staged meals on cooking shows. It might be from pictures we see in the media of the perfect holidays, or from family members who say “but we’ve always done it this way.” We have been taught to do whatever everybody else wants to do. Often, we have never learned to imagine how we want the holidays to be for ourselves.

So, it’s no wonder why we feel lonely or stressed when we are spending the holidays alone!

These unrealistic expectations of perfect holidays and families getting along have conditioned us to feel as if we are not up to those standards. We feel that we are wrong, and that we’re not celebrating the holidays “the right way.”

You have worked too hard over the years and deserve more than to get sucked into the idea that you’re doing the holidays wrong. This year, it is time to envision what the best holiday season means for you, regardless of where you are in your life.

If you are alone, you are still worthy of celebrating the season any way you like. A change in family circumstance does not mean you are sentenced to feel bad. It just means that you are now given an opportunity to decide how you want the holidays to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Your selective memory may be your worst enemy.

When we are alone, we tend to think about the times when the family was together, when the marriage was strong, and when the holidays were “perfect.” We’re all guilty of remembering our past holidays when we were still married as perfect. It’s easy to fall into this trap when we are divorced. But what we forget are all the things that weren’t great during the holidays when we were married. When we shut those not-perfect memories of family holidays out, we are subconsciously setting ourselves up for failure. We are holding our current holiday mood up to an impossible ideal of selective memories that may not be correct. We do this when we are feeling down, trying to imagine a happier time.

This way of thinking does not serve you because you are holding yourself to an ideal that is impossible to attain. Making yourself feel guilty or resentful or longing for the past will not serve you this holiday season. The only way to start loving the holidays again is to reclaim for yourself… now.

How to actually embrace the season instead of dreading it.

During the holidays, especially the times when you were married or raising a family, you were probably so caught up in trying to please others. You were almost certainly trying to make things so perfect that you never took the time for yourself.

But overlooking your own needs stops now.

This holiday, especially if you are spending it by yourself and are worried about being lonely, gives you a unique gift. This season, you get to ask yourself and do something for yourself that you may have never had the opportunity to do before. You get to choose the season for yourself.

The first steps to learning to love the holidays again begin here. Celebrating you in this chapter of your life starts by answering the following questions. Ask yourself:

What do you really want to do?

What will give you joy this holiday season?

What steps will you take to get there?

That is all you must ask yourself. These answers do not have to be complicated. You are not required to spend a lot of money on them.

Now is your chance to reclaim the holidays.

Shaking off your loneliness and reclaiming the holidays is all about taking care of yourself for a change. This is the year that you can say “no” to the things from holidays past that you have not enjoyed and that bring you stress, such as traveling, seeing toxic family members, spending too much money.

This is also the year where you can pick the traditions that you love and throw out the rest. This is the year that you can define what a joyous season means to you and choose to celebrate how you want to celebrate.

And learning to love the holidays again, even if you are divorced, starts with kicking those unrealistic expectations to the curb and ignoring the selective memory that plays tricks on you.

These new few weeks can be the season that you finally recognize that you deserve holiday joy and happiness and you have the power to define that on your own terms. Will you accept that gift?

If you need any extra help with getting through the loneliness and stress that comes along this time of year, let me know! It can be tough and I’m here to help.

Until next time, remember to take care of yourselves! You deserve it.

Warmly,

Martha

]]>http://survivingyoursplit.com/heres-need-know-now-til-january-2nd/feed/0Hating this time of year? I got you!http://survivingyoursplit.com/hating-time-year-got/
http://survivingyoursplit.com/hating-time-year-got/#respondTue, 07 Nov 2017 16:24:42 +0000http://survivingyoursplit.com/?p=794Last time, I shared an uncomfortable truth with you about the holiday season.

Namely, that they’re just around the corner.

And you may be dreading the hell out of it.

No one blames you. And with the divorce making you feel like crap, you may be freaking you out because from now until January 2nd, we’re all supposed to be full of good cheer with good will towards everyone.

Uh, yeah. That can be hard to do when we’re fighting with our spouse over custody or spousal support. Or, when you’re already divorced and something you see during the holidays may trigger a terrible memory you wish you could forget.

This week, we’re not going to focus on the positive things, although I promise that’s coming soon.

Instead, let’s just be honest with all the shit we don’t like about this time of year.

That’s right. We all laugh uncomfortably when somebody says “Bah, humbug!” and then suffer in silence, hoping the next two months go by quickly. What we should be doing instead is facing the holiday demons, calling them out, so that we do not dread them, or this time of year.

Do me a favor today.

List everything you don’t like about this season.

Write a few down and come back later if you need to. Need some examples? Here are my own.

I hate living so far away from my family and feeling lonely this time of year. It sucks!

I can’t stand turkey, because it makes me think of one of the last holiday meals I had as my marriage was going to hell in a handbasket

I stressed thinking about all the insane and obnoxious holiday sales and how society tells us to “buy buy buy” from November to January. How many big-screen TVs do we need?!?!

Don’t limit yourself. But the purpose of this exercise is not just to complain. Complaining without taking positive actions to fix it gets you nowhere. But the sooner you actively identify what you don’t like, the sooner you can fix how you view it. And the sooner you can fix it, the sooner you no longer fear it, or dread it, or get angry by it.

Hold on to this list when you’re done with it.

When you’ve finished this list, keep it close at hand. And for the next few days, add anything else if you can think of it.

Next week, we are going to refer back to this list…and learn the first step to not feeling crappy this time of year. You won’t want to miss it!

And if you want to share what you can’t stand about the holidays, leave your comments at the blog or email me to share them privately. I love hearing from you!

That’s it for now. And if you really want to crack the code for surviving the holiday season, I have a special deal for you! Click here to find out more.

In the meantime, remember to take care of yourselves! You deserve it.

Warmly,

Martha

PS—If you have friends or family who could use some love when it comes to moving on after divorce, forward this email. Sharing is caring. XOXO!

]]>http://survivingyoursplit.com/hating-time-year-got/feed/0“Are you ready for the best thing about fall?!”http://survivingyoursplit.com/ready-best-thing-fall/
http://survivingyoursplit.com/ready-best-thing-fall/#respondThu, 26 Oct 2017 17:41:44 +0000http://survivingyoursplit.com/?p=790It’s Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallll!

How we feel about this time of year at Surviving Your Split. Image via MediaGiphy.

I love love love this time of year. I love the crunch of the leaves, the cooler weather, the fact that it gets darker earlier in the day, the fact that I can bake a shit-load of pumpkin and apple stuff, but, most importantly, because I’m not sweating my ass off anymore.

Thinking about fall, especially as we’re trying to navigate our lives during divorce, or after divorce, the reason dawned on me why I love it so much.

For some reason, it seems to be the only season where I’m really doing what I love—the season where I’m taking care of myself.

Doing things that we love and that make us feel better. A novel concept, right?

For the next few weeks, we’re going to focus on this hard-core. And the reason we’re doing this now is because you deserve to be in a strong, stress-free state of mind before you know what happens.

Ugh, I know. But this year is going to be different because we’re going to be pro-active as hell so we’re not stressed, anxious, feeling dread, or spending too much money and/or spreading ourselves too thin.

The Holiday Self-Care starts now, friends.

As a quick amuse-bouche for taking care of yourself, I have a little clip for you. It’s a 30-minute radio interview I did last year with friend and fellow divorce coach Mandy Walker, where we talk about my own journey.

Warning though—we get vulnerable in this clip. I share the struggles I faced after a career-ending injury in the Army over ten years ago, the mistakes I made neglecting to take care of myself during that time, and some of the same mistakes I made forgetting to take care of myself a few years later during my own divorce.

It’s not all doom and gloom. The point is that none of us are perfect. But the challenge is acknowledging those mistakes, learning from them, and moving on—especially when it comes to making ourselves a priority in our own lives—something we forget to do when we need it most.

So that’s what we’re going to work on from now through December—the secrets to treating ourselves right leading up to and during the holiday season. It’s going to kick ass and you won’t want to miss it.

In the meantime, I want to hear from you! Are you dreading the upcoming holiday season? What is it specifically that you are not looking forward to? And what do you think can help make it better? Let me know and you might see a solution in the next email.

That’s all for now, but we’ve got lots of great stuff coming up and a surprise in a week or two that I know you’re going to love.

So until next time, remember to take care of yourselves! You deserve it.

Warmly,
Martha

PS—If you have friends or family who could use some love when it comes to moving on after divorce, forward this email. Sharing is caring. XOXO!
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http://survivingyoursplit.com/ready-best-thing-fall/feed/0Wanna know how to take better care of yourself?http://survivingyoursplit.com/wanna-know-take-better-caredivorce/
http://survivingyoursplit.com/wanna-know-take-better-caredivorce/#respondWed, 04 Oct 2017 14:43:37 +0000http://survivingyoursplit.com/?p=787Fall is in the air, and you know what that means…

No, I am not going to say Pumpkin Spice lattes.

Or pumpkin spice deodorant. Or pumpkin spice bologna. That’s not how we roll here.

Here at Surviving Your Split, the fall means a time to start really enjoying yourself, the things around you, and all the great stuff going on in your life that are easy to overlook. I like to this of this time as preventive care before the holidays (ugh, I know), and a time to focus on how far you’ve come.

It’s hard to do that sometimes. I get it. You may be in the middle of a shitty divorce, or recovering from the fall-out of one. Regardless of where you are in the proces, it’s imperative that you remember to take care of yourself and protect yourself not only financially, but also emotionally. Because it’s hard to move on when you’re feeling awful.

Fear not, friends!

I have something I want to share with you that you may have missed. Last year, I had a few fantastic conversations with the fabulous Margaret Manning at Sixty and Me where we talk about taking care of yourself and moving on. While the topic is focused on what women over 60 can do, the advice is just as applicable and important for anybody navigating or recovery from divorce.

Next time, we going to continue exploring the themes of putting yourself first and taking care of yourself. In the meantime though,I’d love to hear from you! So when you have a second, email me and let me know how you’re doing or if there’s anything I can help you with.

Oh, and if you and I haven’t talked on the phone yet and you wouldn’t mind if I pick your brain for a short phone call or Skype, email me so we can set something up. I love hearing from you and learning how I can help you.

There’s a lot of great stuff coming in the fall that I can’t wait to share with you. So until next time, have a great weekend, and remember to take care of yourselves, friends! You deserve it.

Warmly,
Martha

PS—If you have friends or family who could use some love when it comes to moving on after divorce, forward this email. Sharing is caring. XOXO!
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http://survivingyoursplit.com/wanna-know-take-better-caredivorce/feed/0Why “Gray Divorce” Is So Common And How You Can Survive Ithttp://survivingyoursplit.com/gray-divorce-common-can-survive/
http://survivingyoursplit.com/gray-divorce-common-can-survive/#commentsFri, 15 Sep 2017 12:25:44 +0000http://survivingyoursplit.com/?p=781Hello, Friends!

This post comes from our friend Sally Perkins. Ms. Perkins is a professional freelance writer with many years experience across many different areas. She made the move to freelancing from a stressful corporate job and loves the work-life balance it offers her. When not at work, Sally enjoys reading, hiking, spending time with her family and travelling as much as possible.

When you said your wedding vows, you imagined you’d stay with your partner forever. You had visions of growing old and gray together, sitting out on the porch in your golden years. But then you got divorced, and those dreams vanished. According to a study by the Pew Research Center, divorce for seniors and nearly-senior citizens, known as “gray divorce”, is on the rise – the divorce rate for married people over 50 has doubled since the ’90s! If you’re going through gray divorce, there are some important things to know so that you can heal from the trauma and get your life back.

You Worry About Your Finances

With your assets being split during divorce, it’s normal to feel set back financially. To put yourself into a better financial situation, you can do the following:

·Continue working. Research from Boston College economists found that women between the ages of 50 and 74 who divorced later in life were likely to have to maintain full-time employment to make ends meet. It does have some benefit, though: staying busy and having a purpose can be a useful distraction after the devastation of divorce.

·Make sure you move your finances into your own bank accounts and close all joint credit cards and loans to prevent you from being liable for debts if your spouse was the one who caused them.

·Letting go of the family home might fill you with dread because of all the memories accumulated there over the years, but it can be a positive financial step to do so. Selling your property can inject money into the divorce process, bills, debts, and savings.

You Could Become Depressed

According to a study by AARP magazine, 29 percent of divorced people between the ages of 40 and 79 report feeling depressed and lonely. Common signs you’re suffering from depression include changes in your eating or sleeping patterns, a lack of energy, and avoidance of social events or previously enjoyed hobbies.

Reaching out to other connections is valuable to help you feel less isolated. In fact, now’s the perfect time to make new friends, such as through your church, volunteer work, or hobbies that you might have neglected during your marriage. It can also be a good idea to make connections online as this was found to reduce depression in seniors by 20 percent. Making online friends on social networks or divorce forums can offer support and boost your social life, especially if your mobility is restricted.

You Might Fear You’ll Never Find Love Again

Divorce can make your golden years feel like they’re losing their shine. You’re not alone in thinking you’ll never find love again. The same AARP study as mentioned above found that 24 percent of divorcees fear never finding someone to live with or marry.

The first step, according to the site Sixty and Me, is to love yourself. It’s normal to feel low on self-confidence after a failed marriage, but enjoy your newfound independence and getting back in tune with yourself and your needs. You have a treasure within you to discover that might’ve got lost during decades of marriage. Now’s the time to explore it.

It’s a big world out there and there are many senior divorcés looking for a second chance at love just like you are. It’s hopeful to know that the AARP study found 32 percent of divorced seniors do remarry. Don’t be discouraged.

Going through divorce in your later years can be highly stressful and negatively impact your life, but it doesn’t have to feel like the end of it. By focusing on the above issues you might face during your “gray” divorce, you can empower yourself to see the silver lining – it’s out there.

The summer has ended in this neck of the woods, and it’s got me thinking about something many of you amazing readers struggle with during divorce.

The case of spouse abandonment, aka when you thought the marriage was fine and you were looking forward to your future together, and then POOF! Your spouse, out of the blue, says those shocking words…

“I’m leaving.”

“I want out of this marriage.”

“We both know this isn’t working (but you didn’t know!). I’m moving out.”

“I want you out of the house. I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

It’s devastating when your spouse ends things without warning, especially when things seemed good to you, and there had been no signs that things were bad.

But here’s where it gets sticky.

Trying to figure out the “why did they leave?” is going to slow down, or even stop, your healing.

You may have spent months…even years…wracking your brain, trying to figure out why your spouse just up and left when you thought your marriage was fine. You may have tossed and turned in your bed at night, unable to sleep, trying to figure out if there was a certain day or time or life event or something you said that would have caused your spouse to just decide they no longer wanted to be with you.

And you tell yourself as you dissect your past that if as soon as you get the answers, as soon as your ex gives you the explanation that you are owed, then…and only then…can you get that closure.

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Here’s Ugly Truth #1: you may not get the closure you want.

Ooooooh, I know that stings. But it’s true.

Does your spouse owe you can explanation of why they blindsided you?

Hell yes. It’s the decent, kind, and human thing to do. When you are married to person for years—even decades—one would think that the person who stood by their side and made sacrifices (that’s you) at least deserves an explanation and a heads-up.

But the truth of the matter is, a spouse who goes out of their way to just leave you hanging who did not give you an explanation when they left, will probably not give you an explanation later. They are most likely showing their character with the manner in which they decided to leave the marriage, and it’s unlikely that they are somehow going to get a visit from the Human Decency Fairy and knock on your door to a) apologize and b) explain. Chances are, it will not happen, so you may not get that closure that you crave from them.

Ugly Truth #2: Being a detective of the past will get you nowhere.

Oh, I know that your head and the logical part of you already know this truth. But your heart is a completely different story.

“Martha, that’s BS! If I can only find a reason why, then I’ll be able to move on!”

“Martha, I can’t move on until he or she tells me why they changed!”

Looking behind you for clues will get you nowhere. It’s time to move forward. Image via WildGratitute.

I get it. You want those answers. You want to know why. You want to corner your ex-spouse, tie them up and sit them at a chair, where they cannot go until they provide you a full and concise explanation of why they did it, how long they thought about leaving, if they were thinking of leaving the last few times you were at dinner together, sharing the bed, going on vacation, the list goes on and on.

You want to be the archeologist or detective, looking for clues to why your spouse left, assuming that those clues to the past will make you feel better.

Okay, so let’s suspend reality for a second and let’s say that your spouse gives you a full explanation. What if your spouse tells you a line-by-line account, day-by-day, of why they left.

Then what?

How will that make you feel? Will it somehow make you feel vindicated?

Probably not. It may make you feel worse, and guess what?

It’s the same damn outcome. It’s still going to leave you in the same place you are now, which is trying to figure out how to establish your independence and move the hell on with your life. But the only difference is you’ve spent a shitload more of emotional energy playing detective than the joker who left you deserved. Your emotional energy is finite during this recovery time. Don’t waste it on playing detective—invest it on yourself.

Ugly Truth #3: If you want closure, it may have to come from within.

Someone who left you without an explanation is someone who DOES NOT deserve to spend the rest of your life with you. It doesn’t matter if they were your spouse, co-parent, partner for years, or even decades. If they walk out the door without having enough decency to let you know why, you are better off finding the closure and moving on yourself.

You don’t need them to move on. Waiting on them to tell you, and wasting your time playing detective trying to solve that mystery/shit-pile they left for you is robbing you of the precious time and energy that you should be investing in your own recovery, healing, and kick-ass future.

The only source of healing you need is the one staring back at you in the mirror. You can do this. Image via Birchenough.

You don’t have to figure this stuff out by yourself.

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No one’s saying you have to go through this process alone. In fact, thinking you have to just suck it up can actually stifle your healing process and that’s not cool, either.

But understand that there is a shitload of resources out there that you can go to for help. There are specialized resources that deal specifically with abandonment issues. One of my favorite resources for abandonment support is from the website Runaway Husbands , which is a great resource for both men and women.

And if you’re tired of sitting in front of your computer or playing on your cell phone, remember to reach out to good friends, social groups you are a part of, or any other place that gives you a sense of community. Hell, even write some comments on the blog and share your experiences. We have an active community here at Surviving Your Split who’d love to hear from you, so let your voice be heard.

So, how about you? Are you dealing with spouse abandonment? What helps your healing process? Leave a comments below, or shoot me an email. As always, I’d love to hear from you!

If you and I haven’t talked on the phone yet and you wouldn’t mind if I pick your brain for a short phone call or Skype, email me so we can set something up. I love hearing from you and learning how I can help you.

There’s a lot of great stuff coming in the fall that I can’t wait to share with you. So until next time, remember to take care of yourselves, friends! You deserve it.