1. My Ears!

For the love of bears, will you damn Newts turn that godamn infernal thing off already!

The Newtons lived far yet I can hear EVERYTHING!

Everyday, it’s the exact same thing—the alarm goes off at 6:30 yet stupid Mike Newton sleeps through the whole thing, not bothering to shut if off until 7:15. 45 minutes of continuous ear torture!

“Emmett, don’t you dare.” Edward warned. Jasper sent a wave of calmness in response. I was about to turn back to the TV when…

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Ah! I threw my fists down, shattering the table. The porcelain duck flew off and bounced on Edward’s head. He narrowed his eyes and threw a shard at my face. Missed.

I sighed. Bugging Edward calms me down so quickly.

“Hey Emmett,” Rosalie called from upstairs. “Can you—“

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Is anyone sleeping over there? Are their ears filled with so many bed bugs that they’re deaf now? Wait, it could be from the time I accidentally knocked him into the brown-colored green-bean casserole. (What a coincidence that he’s allergic to green bean too!)

I’m like Bella; we’re both accident-prone. The only difference is that mine are on purposed while her’s are—Well, they’re actually accidents.

I ran upstairs, past the needy Rosalie—don’t tell her I said that because she might take away my Build-A-Bear—and grabbed a roll of toilet paper, one of Rosalie’s cardigans, and my personal favorite, my spider. Actually, it’s not real, though it resembles one closely. It’s got the whole shebang, from the beady eyes to the hairy body.

Though it is missing a leg from the time Jasper tried to eat it. Newton still won’t know the difference; he’ll be too scared to.

I grabbed all my items and ran out before Alice could object. Knowing her, she would want a part in it too. No, this was strictly my business. That alarm clock was going down.

I jumped onto the tree near Newton’s window. He’s sure a snorer.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

That noise sounded like a war cry. YAAAH!!! I wrapped the cardigan around my face, revealing only my eyes.

I landed swiftly and silently inside his room, placing my items on the nearby table.

I ripped off some of the toilet paper and stuffed it into his ears. It fell out.

I kept on forcing it back in. And it fell out each time.

The whole time, Newton slept soundly. As in, with loud sounds coming from his mouth.

The paper’s too dry to stay put. Aha! I sprayed the rotten milk onto the two wads of toilet paper and stuck it back into his ears. Perfect. And for my own sanity, I stuffed another into his mouth. It muffled his snores.

Next came the fun part—the destruction of the blasted item.

I smashed it with my fists.

It laid there on the floor in tact, mocking my strength.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I jumped on it, stomping my feet.

It was still in tact.

Here goes my genius brain. I brought the alarm clock towards my head and head smacked it, like the way they do in karate movies.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

It was still alive!

If my head can’t crush it, maybe another part of my body can.

Bella always scream when I sit on her. Evil fiend, prepare to cry for mercy! Well, it’s not like you can though; you can only talk in your BEEP language. That could sure come in handy at school.

Well, I sat on it. And guess what? My gluteus maximus did nothing to it! It didn’t even cringe!

I threw the alarm clock up in the air and roundhouse kicked it.

I sandwiched it under my armpit and flexed.

I wrapped it in toilet paper and tried to flush it down the toilet. Uh oh, backflow. For the record, I was nowhere near the restroom.

I placed it in the freezer.

I baked it at 450 degrees for 10 minutes. Or is that meant for cookies?

I ran back home and got my jeep.

“YEAH! IN THE NAME OF ROSALIE, I’M BITCHING! MUAHAHAHA!” I felt a slight bump as I rode over it.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

You atrocious alarm clock! I admit my defeat… that thing is virtually indestructible.

I returned to Newton’s bedroom and placed the clock back on his nightstand.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

God! Newton’s feet should seriously be illegal!

They were even worse than his ears! Oh yeah… the milky ear plugs! Oh well…

Oh poofy poodle! I got an idea!

If I can’t stand Newton’s feet, who or what can?

I brought the alarm clock close to his porta potty feet, hoping maybe the stink could destroy it.

At first, there was no reaction. Then, the machine started spazzing. Tiny sparks flew and a little puff of smoke rose.

BEEP! BEEP! BEE—

The clock gave one last flicker before its red digital numbers went up to heaven.

Its last words were BEEP. I will miss you buddy. Amen.

Ok, I’m done missing. Time to take off. To infinity and beyond!

Oh wait, I can’t fly. I forgot to bring my super cape. Fine, I’ll just run home like every other normal vampire.

I almost forgot.

I tied my spider to a piece of string. I jumped to the window and waited silently on a tree branch.

Three, two, one…

It was now exactly 7:15. Time for Newton to wake up.

I threw the spider. It landed gently on Newton’s face. I slowly pulled on the string.

Newton stopped snoring and opened one eye.

“AAAAAH!” he screamed. Ok, that’s being too nice. He SHRIEKED. He then started choking on the toilet paper in his mouth. Oops, I forgot about that too. Hehe.

Then, he must’ve taken a sniff because his eyes widened.

“EWWWW!” He ran out of the room.

I always knew Edward’s secret about Mike’s arachnophobia would come in handy someday.