Tuesday, 3 November 2015

The Red Wagon

One day three kids, Ronan, Tyler and Stephanie, were very bored as they had nothing to do. They decided to ride a red wagon down a big hill so an hour later that is what they did. They felt wind in their hair and they tasted bacon because that is what they had for lunch. They saw blurs of colour everywhere. They smelled burning rubber from the tires. They heard so much rattling because the wagon was old. They crashed into a soft bush but decided to go back up the hill and come back down again on their red wagon.

4 comments:

HI Ronan! I really enjoyed reading your story about the red wagon. I think you did an excellent job in exploding the moment when you spoke about going down the hill in the wagon. You made me feel like I was there. Were they ever in danger at any point? As a next step, I think you could add a stronger hook. Maybe you can begin by using a sound effect or describing the setting in order to capture the reader's attention. I was excited to hear how you would put this picture into a story.

HI Ronan! I really enjoyed reading your story about the red wagon. I think you did an excellent job in exploding the moment when you spoke about going down the hill in the wagon. But how did you get to the hill or the park a next step would be to have more words and let the reader fell like there in the moment.

Hi Ronan,I really enjoyed reading your story. I liked the way you used the five senses to explode the moment when your characters were riding down the hill. It helped me to visualize the scene and imagine every little detail. I think, maybe you could enhance your hook sentence. One question I had after reading this story was, "Where did they get the wagon from?"