Saturday, April 14, 2007

I hate birds. I'm not talking about just any bird, I'm talking about the 24/7, wildly inappropriate chirping nutbag bird. this variety of bird seems indigenous to los angeles. I don't recall this level of chirp action anywhere else in california, the u.s. or the world.

the incessant chirp klatch comes in a variety of annoying tones. there's the steady hock, a captivating, long drawn out hand-vac harmony. the initiator has to be a jewish mother. because you can actually hear the guilt being sucked right out of the chirpettes that follow.

my favorite is the fighting chirp. a harmonizing, balking, crow-esq sound pulsating from the beaks of a dozen half pint patty’s. they chirp with a vengeful purpose. what I can’t figure out is what they have to be so pissed off about. they spend their days flying around, digging up worms, shitting on people and chirping themselves into a god damned frenzy. fuckin’ relax or piss your big bird fun away by flying into some shiny glass window and calling it a day.

the final chirp that sends me deranged is the don’t be stealin’ my man, bitch, or I will chirp your sorry ass right outta this fuckin’ nest. this is a cacophony of short, violent bursts coming from the mouths of unhinged beaks. It’s always in the middle of the night when papa bird gets home from cattin’ around under the guise of “worm” hunting with the fellahs I’m sure.

who knew birds came from such misogynistic loins. It’s so obvious this is a sexist culture. someone needs to gather these she-birds and expose them to a healthy dose of feminism. they need to know there’s more to life then schlepping all over town for nest worthy wood, taking care of their men and the fruit of their loins.

About Jewgirl

Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer and non-fiction essayist, among other literary loves. She is a contributing writer for Zouch Magazine and Mock Paper Scissors. To read more, hit http://katieschwartz.com/bio