Right. 37 years old. Very messed up attitude to food and now a size 24. I look like a bouncy castle poured into a polkadot frock and cinched with a belt. And I kinda like it. Is that messed up? I like the way I look. I like my fabulous boobs. I still have an hourglass shape and my fat means I look young cos they're inflating all my wrinkles.

BUT.

But I'm infertile. I have one knackered fallopian tube, and possibly some damage to the other. I need a BMI of around 30 to be eligible for my one allotted shot at IVF on the NHS, and then, even if we pay for more (somehow) I still need to be under BMI 35 for private treatment. Which is... upsetting. But probably fair: cos the truth is, that while my vanity can live with what I see in the mirror, I am utterly *knackered*... too tired. My feet are in agony if I spend the day on them; I can't cope with much walking on the flat - forget hills; my knees are shagged from an old acting injury - but the weight isn't helping and I can't kneel or crouch without pain... Not ideal for motherhood.

I was a skinny (hungry) kid that ballooned when they left home and subsequently I've tried almost every diet and drug therapy there is - but it all went pear-shaped 7 years ago when I developed chronic Binge Eating Disorder and since then, none of my dieting strategies works. So this has to. This is my Last Chance Saloon.

I think that I can testify for the fertility effect of losing weight. I lost 4 stone on Cambridge 4 years ago, and dispite PCOS, I fell pregnant straight away! That pregnancy put 2 stone on, which was kind of modest, and then I put another 2 on later, so here I am having lost 2 stone in the last 8 weeks and I am now trying to loose another 2.5.

I think you will find keeping a diary really theraputic.

Good luck!

Just for today... Lose 1 stoneGet into size 14 JeansGet into size 12 Jeans
Get into size 10 Jeans.

Right - have been to see my CDC. She said I didn't need to see my GP, which surprised me (she would write to her). Might make an appointment anyway.

Anyway, because I was expecting to have to come back, I didn't have much cash on me... I start on Monday 1st August so I bought enough for two days and will pop in and pick up some more on the tuesday (she has 'open house' for clients on tuesdays and thursdays). The other thing that puzzled me a bit was that she's starting me on 4 shakes/soups a day, rather than 3, despite my being an utter shortarse... I am very large though, and on most diets would attract a higher calorie allowance due to my starting weight.

Anyway, she was very nice and gave me samples of the drink flavourings (walking through a South London estate with small plastic bags of white powder, heh...) and a couple of extra sachets in case I came across something I didn't like.

I've had a food-and-booze filled last week full of cocktails and excess... in fact rather overdid it on friday, and had the foulest sicky hangover for about a day and a half - oops. But I'm better now, and my husband is cooking a roast, and we have champagne to see in the end of an era of indulgence.

Anyway - I got him to take some 'before' photos. Forgive the state of the garden...

It's been fine, actually. I'm a teacher, and I don't have kids, so basically all I have to do this week is loll around watching iplayer and having naps.

So, so far I have had a banana shake (which tasted exactly like the banana milk you buy in the supermarket) and toffee and walnut, which was alright. Made the second one thicker with slightly less water and more ice cubes, which was quite effective.

Tbh, the only difficulty so far is drinking the water. Our tap water tastes really chemically - will have to get a filter jug or take out shares in evian.

Yeah, our tap water doesn't taste too chemically but it does taste somehow heavy, if that makes sense? Gave up on the Evian since I couldn't afford to buy their shares, but the brita filter seems to help. I still like the bottled water tho, so I just buy the vittel or whatever happens to be on sale at the moment.

The banana shake is one of my faves, can't stand the butterscotch one or any of the porridges. Ultimately, this is a doable diet but the first days (at least for me) were really hard. I think mostly because it felt odd not to be eating constantly. I work at home, fridge always at hand, no one to see how much I was inhaling

Yeah - i'm a bit wary of the porridges cos I don't like real porridge at all. But that's a texture thing (i don't like the elastic-y, stretchy texture)... so maybe this won't be as objectionable as presumably it's not as thick.

All day I've been getting emails and messages from mates wishing me luck, which is really sweet of them, but it doesn't feel too hard yet. I'm betting tonight and the next couple of days are going to be a much bigger problem...

It sounds like you've supportive friends, that's important. Lots of people on this forum have just the opposite and it can be quite depressing.

If you don't like real porridge, then it's possible you may like the CD crap I was expecting porridge but that's not what it is. Some do like it, our tastes are all different.

My worst days were 5 thru 9, can't really explain why. Was hungry all the time, it was quite a crisis for me and reading the diaries and other posts on here helped me thru it, and I'm sure happy I stuck with it! Now I can't even fully recapture how horrible it really was those few days. Just goes to show you how strong we all really are, we're on a mission!

Right then. Day one is all over and I feel absolutely fine - not at all hungry, really (though drinking plain water always gives me a swishy tummy which is bizarrely a bit like an empty one).

I had the spicy tomato soup this evening - which was ok in a cup-a-soup kinda way. I'd have felt stupid eating it with a spoon, but as a drink it was fine.

It really is just the water that i'm not getting on with. I usually drink pints and pints of squash all day, but I just haven't been particularly thirsty, and I just don't fancy plain water, so it becomes a chore.

I did have a couple of impulses to eat - more mindlessness than anything. There's some nice pate in the fridge, and my husband was carving up the leftover roast lamb later on and when i saw those things I had a nanosecond's urge to reach out and grab a bit... but I didn't so that's fine.

Lastly - I keep buying stuff! I bought a handblender to make my shakes last week, and a jug to blend them in, and a new ice cube tray... and then just now I ordered a water filter jug and a drinks bottle. On top of which I got a groupon deal for a massage to reawrd myself after the first week... and i'm already sizing up what I'm going to treat myself to when I lose my first stone. It should still end up saving me money cos I'm no longer buying so much booze, but it'll be close. Never mind. I deserve it!

I think part of it is that I'm doing sod all. No work and mostly just lazing around the house - it may get harder at the weekend when i'm visiting friends and expected to do strenuous stuff like put on clothes and brush my hair...!

oh flipping hell - i just had my first porridge and it made me so nauseous. Horrible, horrible. Not my usual problem with porridge, which is the stretchy texture - but i think it was too sweet (maple and pecan flavour) and I'd naively not realised it would smell of hot milk - which i have a bit of an issue with. Anyway, I battled through (my skills at force feeding without throwing up from my eating disorder came in perversely handy)... because I'd eaten about a quarter by the time i thought about stopping - and then i wasn't sure about accurately measuring how much of another sachet i should have. Ick though. Absolutely ick.

Blee.

Then my friends have been discussing all night on fb who is bringing what to eat and booze-wise for the weekend, and shall they have a barbecue? yes they shall... and i feel a bit disappointed, but also like i'm letting my hostess down. To be utterly clear: there is no way I'm going to give up or cheat or whatever, but it's not a nice combination of feelings.

thought about food a lot today. Dim sums have been the primary preoccupation. *sigh*

I feel for you, maple and pecan porridge is foul. I sometimes quite like the apple one and sometimes i just tolerate it but it's my usual dinner. I've started having the veg soup sometimes as well for a change.

So, today I have decided to focus on my first proper milestone of a stone off, which I'm guessing shouldn't be too far off.

I'm going to buy myself a gorgeous new everyday bag. My current one is knackered and needs replacing anyway, so i'd probably already be spending £40-60 on a new leather bag... so I reckon this bag is fair enough:

yay i found your diary! (thanks ) awh hun read all your entries. great aul writer you are. really loving some of them. very witty! as for having to brush ur hair and put clothes on lol i felt the same but i found in the past week since ive been losing the weight, i actually have started to take pride in my appearance and enjoying it! before hand much as we all like to look pretty, the effort sometimes was not worth giving up the extra fifteen min in bed!!!!!

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