One test that will change the way you look at school

Published: August 26, 2013;Last modified: August 26, 2013 11:21AM

Reading and writing:

1. This is a paragraph about the test itself. It will be the only instruction you will receive for the remainder of the test. The content of most of these questions is meant purely for entertainment, and the accuracy of statements made has been verified, only loosely, by random Google searches. Your job is to identify the subject of this paragraph, which is this silly test; the main character(s) in the paragraph, which is just you; and the theme, which is man vs. schools.

A. What is the subject?

B. Who is (are) the main character(s)?

C. What is the theme?

2. UR txt’d: “tst bites/CWOT. WAYD Fter skul?” You reply:

A. Gr8 app attchd. Ck it out!

B. Dude, up 2my iBalls in gators tlk 2 U L8R

C. We’ll get extra credit if we use complete sentences. Why don’t we try that?

D. Your battery has died and you cannot reply.

3. Use proper Facebook grammar:

A. I are happy!

B. i “heart” happy!

C. I was tagged in a happy photo.

D. My account was hacked, so please don’t respond!

Math:

1. Last year, your school, overall, averaged 75 percent in math, 89 percent in science and 73 percent in reading. This year, math improved to 83 percent, science dropped to 61 percent and reading stayed at 73 percent. The tests were administered in only odd-numbered grades, so no student likely took more than one test. Please explain what this is supposed to measure.

2. Teacher A is getting a 5 percent raise, plus step increases of 1 percent each for education and longevity. Teacher B is getting a 6 percent raise, but has obtained a doctorate and maxed out on longevity. Teacher C has deferred a raise because of economic conditions, but received a 3 percent bonus for attaining performance-related standards and is working a part-time job to make ends meet. Which one is not in the real world?

3. Two trains are headed toward each other. One is headed south from Tokyo at 300 mph. The other is facing north on a siding out in the boonies of Colorado. Which economy is most likely to survive?

Social studies:

1. Rate these countries in terms of 1995-2009 test score improvement:

A. Latvia

B. Brazil

C. United States

D. Norway

E. Sweden

2. Which is greater, U.S. government economic assistance to foreign countries or private assistance to foreign countries? Write an essay explaining why this might be the case and whether some of the money would be better spent on education in this country.

3. What is the current name of your school?

Science:

1. The heart rate of an American student taking a test increases an average of 60 percent because of stress. This is also the recommended stress to place on the heart during strenuous exercise. Does this mean physical education is no longer needed?

2. The biology teacher says we are cutting frogs open in class tomorrow. What is your response:

A. It will be a good learning experience, because I am thinking of pre-med, and the organs in a frog’s body are similar to those of people.

B. I am so going to call PETA and complain about this.

C. This is the subject of my next YouTube video!

3. Recent physics has revealed that it is possible for a particle to be in two places at one time. In cloning, only the common history up until the duality juncture would be shared. Therefore, it is possible that there are four of you right now: one reading the newspaper, a second taking the test, a third doing something more important and a fourth just goofing off and having fun. Which one are you?