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Fine China

I decided that I would do some crack investigations research today on what the Royal Family expects of their nannies.

I’d be fired in about 3…2…1…

But it IS interesting, and I wonder how William and Kate would be to work for?????

1. A Royal Nanny must have absolute discretion at all times. I am sure you will sign your life and firstborn child (probably won’t happen see below) for confidentiality. But I am guessing Kate would be pretty cool to work for, after all, her dad is in the party supply business and a girl with a dad who sells whoopie cushions for a living can’t be all bad. So I guess that would mean you would go to the grave knowing that baby future King or Princess gave mom the finger when she wouldn’t let her watch Caillou.

2. A Royal Nanny must follow rigid rules. “An obsession with rigid routines, believed at the time to be essential for every child, would have included rest and sleep, exercise and fresh air, food and drink intake and output,” Rosemary Albone of Care.com says. On top of this, there was also a lot of emphasis put on potty training and healthy bowels. See???!!! They are just as enamored with poop as we were as new parents!

3. A Royal Nanny has no private life. Or they do NOT want you clubbing. Hitting on the hot guard in the hallway is cause for dismissal. Since you are living in the nursery with the bundle of Royal Joy, it’s going to be hard to sneak that guard in anyway…

4. A Royal Nanny will travel. How exciting! Maybe William will give you a helicopter ride! You’ll get to sit in the back of the Royal Airplane with the Royal Flight Attendants and have a cocktail. Um, NO. Enjoy your trip with a screaming infant upon descent. A toddler running up and down the aisles. At least you are not in regular coach.

5. A Royal Nanny must balance the child’s time so that they see their Mummy and Daddy often. Unlike years back when Female Royals were basically vessels for future prince and princesses and then they went on about their duties, today’s Royals are more involved in their daily care. However, I’m thinking that Kate is STILL going to be getting more sleep than you and I EVER did after we had our babies…

6. A Royal Nanny will teach them how to behave. How to bow to the Queen, all the protocol they must know over the years. So I’m thinking, do time-outs work for future 3-year-old kings and queens? What kind of discipline is there in that house hold? “Alexandra, you’d better put that Limoges china bowl back on the mahogany dining table or you will NOT get to ride your pony today!!!” That will strike the fear of God in her, I tell ya…

Once, just once, I would love to be a fly on the wall when that toddler has a meltdown in front of Elizabeth II. Or picks their nose and eats it in front of the paparazzi. Or gets caught butt nekkid on Instagram in Las Vegas…

So today I found a box in the basement of an estate sale full of these cute mermaid ornaments. Oh, and an octopus. With PEARLS!!!

I mean, who doesn’t need an octopus with pearls ornament????

I often wonder who the people are that open their homes to us hoarders collectors and what their situation is. Are they downsizing? Is someone getting a divorce? Are they (ack!!!!) dead? Did she catch him with the new cleaning lady, Lola?

Is this place haunted?

I watch entirely too much AMC…

These estate sale companies even have prices on the bars of soap in the bathroom! I kid you not. If it’s lying out, it has a price on it-old bras, panties, socks, toothbrushes, hair brushes -ewwww.

I also found a vintage real douche bag (of the plastic and hose kind…I know what you are thinking) with a $5 sticker on it.

REALLY?????

BC is thanking God I didn’t buy that sucker and put it on eBay.

After all, how much DOES it cost to ship a vintage douche bag?

These are the important things I think about every day.

Have a great weekend!

Oh, and if you have BlogLovin-you can follow me on that too!

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The world’s largest festival of nerds was held in Atlanta this weekend and I was planning on going with my buddies to photograph freaks and such. I asked on Facebook on Friday (during the cocktail hour, of course) what should I wear to the event. This is the convo that followed (barely edited for effect):

Susan: I don’t know I was kinda hoping you’d pull out the vajayjay costume! Damn I wish I was closer I’d go with you!
Me: I’d kill for one of those right about now….
Brent : ‎>palm plant<
Susan : Don’t you just know they’ll be available at a Halloween store near you real soon! Wonder how long it takes that crate to arrive from China!
Gail :Go as Honey VaJayJay and wear the crown as part of the outfit
Me: OMG Gail this is better than happy hour!
Gail: Be the princess of Vag
Susan: Hahaha Gail I love you! Hey MAP can you bring her with you next month???
Gail: Make sure to spray some dust on the costume since you are Princess of Vag of A Certain Age
Me: That’s QUEEN of Vaj to all of you peasants
Brent: make it spray glitter
Gail: Can I join your royal court….We can call ourselves the Mad Vagjers
Susan: Ew snap! She told us! Lol
Me: Just you people wait……
Brent: that’s it.. i’m refraining… I am on hold with my therapist
Susan: Oh God you know the gauntlet has just been accepted! This is going to be monumental!
Me: We can be the HAPPY HOO HAAASSS!
Brent: LOOK.. they are on sale… 2 for the price of one…(link to one on sale on Amazon, for god’s sake)
Brent: and look.. you can follow by have an chasing inflatable penis costume…(another Amazon link)
Susan: OMG the crate from China got here quicker than a letter to Atlanta!
Brent: nope.. that’s not gonna work.. stay on track.. were talking about vajayjay costumes.. not the usps..
Me: OMG–me and BC-we can go as a COUPLE!! On Halloween–how sweet–Look Mary we found our costumes!
Susan: Still the furry vajayjay in MAP’s blog is better. More three dimensional.
Me: Well I can buy a coupla pink boas to glue around the edges….
Me: And I think BC should go as the vag and I should go as the penis…just saying…
Susan: Nothing like a woman with a glue gun!
Brent: OMG..you could go as Abbey and Britney….
Me: ‎Brent you are a sick sick dude…It’s why we are friends…..
Brent : ‎**innocent…** and see i was going to make a string comment but i thought that would be over the top.
Susan : I need friends like yours in my life!
Me: Just created a new blog-The Happy Hoo Haas and it will be launched soon!
Gail: Make sure your vag is v-jazzled for Halloween…get out your glue gun
Gail: If you’re happy and you know clap your…..oh never mind!
Delph : Just wear your synchronized swimming outfit!
Gail: Happy Hoo Haas theme song….’Our Lips Are Sealed’ by the GoGo’s

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Today’s WTF Wednesday is full of WTF’s from this week-there were so many I had to include my favorites for the week so here goes:

1. Juan Williams of Fox News : He calls Ann Romney a ‘Corporate Wife’ on TV last nite. REALLY??? I also heard that someone on another network called her a kept wife. Well, here is the deal–You can call me any wife you want as long as the sex is good and I have an unlimited credit card. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? I’m an independent and I’m glad I don’t have to go on TV to make people at my husband’s job like him….

Fox News

2. Vagina Costumes : The hardest part of this get up is that you wouldn’t be able to see the pearls I am wearing underneath. Also, another set back for us gals out there IMHO.

3. BK”s BACON SUNDAE : God is good. And so is this treat, at a mere 510 calories-go for it!

4. Last but NOT least: My new FAVORITE WEBSITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check out DogShaming–it is by far the biggest laugh on the web right now-Oh, how many pics I could submit….

Dog Shaming.com

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Why I will NEVER dress up as a vagina for Halloween, or any other occasion.

Ok, Code Pink is a peace organization formed by women to promote peace and wage peace in our world. Currently they are protesting at the Republican National Convention against the RNC platform on abortion. Which I too disagree with. But there has got to be a better, more intelligent and classy way to do this.

What has now worked against them is the fact that this week, they have women dressed in vag costumes parading around the RNC in Tampa. At least from what I have seen on social media and other media, it is turning into a colossal joke.

Hey ladies–do you want your kids to see you on TV and in the papers dressed like that? Sure, they will get over your Halloween costume last year when you went as Nurse FixItAll and Dad went as Dr. Feelyercrotch. They will get over the one time you laid on the couch all day complaining of a headache, when in fact, you really had the Vodka Flu and they knew it. They will get over the fact that you had a meltdown as Room Mom in the 4th grade end of year party. They will forget all of that. Kinda.

But they will never forget it if you end up on TV dressed as a giant pink vajayjay with a huge sign over your head some of which said, ‘read my lips’.

Big Huge EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

There have got to be other ways to do this. Yep-they’ve been heard and noticed. Got what they wanted. But taken seriously, not sure. You may or may not agree with me. (Be nice).

If you jerkfaces don’t stop talking about it-I promise-I will NEVER invite you over to dinner at my house.

Nope-keep your dirty little doctrine off my Fine China.

Thank you very much.

Because if you can not behave at my dinner party, or at my girlfriends dinner parties, they won’t lay out their fine china for YOU either.
Everyone (that have manners..) knows that you do not discuss politics or religion at a dinner party. But you ELEPHANTS insist on coming to our dinner parties all ready to be an expert on our fine china.

Do you have any idea on what it takes to A) Care for our Fine China, B)Watch over it so no one ruins it, C)Keep it from breaking, D)Earn enough to pay for 10 place settings? Every Month?

The minute you can tell us the difference between gold rimmed and sterling rimmed china, the history of the fine china at my particular table, the specifics of the table setting, the reason WHY we take such interest and care of our china, the difference between American, French, German, and English china and what it is made of, then MAYBE we can discuss.

Well, let me tell you folks-us girls KNOW our fine china. We make sure is it sparkling clean (in most cases), it all matches, and it works fabulously with our sterling silver and Waterford crystal. We want to make sure that when you enter our dining room, you will Oooh and AAaahh over our table setting and how great our fine china looks.

That’s it, then go ahead and enjoy your meal and write me a thank you note. I would have to say most of my voter ready dinner gals with fabulous fine china would agree.