Sometimes, life throws you things you really aren’t ready for.
When you need an escape more than anything else, you can find one. It may not come in exactly the form you were looking for, but you’re so desperate for something to distract you, something to numb you for a little while, that you take it. And even if its nothing near anything you’ve ever experienced it, maybe you’re curious. Maybe you think its what you want. Then, to your surprise, it works. And you tell yourself that it’s just what you need, that you won’t take advantage of it. You’re just treading the water.
Until you get in too deep. Suddenly, you’ve got opportunities being thrown your way, decisions to be made. And you make the decision that feels the best at the time. The decision that you can’t ever imagine doubting or regretting in the future. So you make it, and you feel good about it. Life gets better and better, until you don’t feel the pain anymore.
But then, your excuse for not feeling anything, becomes everything. And the thing that was meant to drive you from the pain, ends up leading you back to it. Because you misconceptualize what this thing was all about. You went in knowing nothing meaningful would ever come out of it, and you were okay with that. Until you wanted it to mean something, until you wanted something out of it. And that just wasn’t in the bargain, now was it? And just like that, you’re struck with this overwhelming fear that you’re going to lose what you have, so you start doing everything you can to hold onto it. Things that you would have never seen yourself doing before, taking paths and making choices out of desperation and hope. And you end up killing any chance you may have had in the first place.
How the hell do we get over something like this? I mean, are we really just living from one heartbreak, one disappointment, to the next? Everything we do in life is like a way to fill a void we feel – a way to not feel anything at all. Or maybe to find something worth feeling.
I can’t take back the decisions I’ve made. Not a single one. Life doesn’t give you the opportunity to change time. I do my best not to regret them, but in all honesty, we all do things that we would give anything to just think through for a little longer, don’t we? But we all have such an idealist view on how our lives are supposed to be. And maybe you think, “Well, maybe if I give this, I’ll get something back. Maybe I can finally be happy. Maybe I’ll get what I want.” This is where we make the most important decisions – we question our morals, our values, and step lines – how far are we willing to stray from our ideals to get the things we want?
Maybe we all just need a dose of realism. A sense that you can be so happy, feel so comfortable with the decisions and choices you’ve made, but they can still come back and pull the rug from under you. And stop trying to numb our pain with something different, something better. It never works, does it? We fall for the next best thing, but the next best thing is rarely the good thing. And we never learn.
I really wish I could learn. Cause I don’t know how much longer I can keep trying to make things okay – keep trying to fill the void I shouldn’t have ever allowed to be created in the first place.