A Blog About Solving Common Relationship Dilemmas

Ever wonder how some women manage to be part of a successful marriage? Tree are certain things that they know are important in their marriage. Here are seven habits of successful wives have in common.

Successful wives recognize that, even though she has a female best friend, she makes sure that her husband understands that he and their relationship supersedes that friendship.

Let him know that he is a priority. This does not mean that you abandon your women friends, it simply means that you think about him first.

Successful wives flirt with their husband.

Not only will it make him feel good, I will make you feel better as well.

Successful wives are physically affectionate … using lots of hugs, kisses and touches.

Physical touch is very important in a relationship. Even if you were not reared with a lot of touch, stretch yourself.

Successful wives are genuinely positive. They acknowledge their husband’s efforts. Thank him for things that he does for her and for the family, even if she feel like he is not thanking her enough, successful wives will thank their spouse.

Do your best to refrain from keeping score. Find ways to acknowledge … every day what you like and appreciate about your spouse.

Successful wives find activities that they can do together. They might watch a sports game, attend an athletic event or engage in something that he enjoys.

Women appreciate conversation. Men often most appreciate having a playmate or a partner.

Successful wives are kind to their husbands family.

Even though they may not be your favorite folks, they are his family and important to him. Limit your negative comments or complaints about them and, if you need his support on something, do your best to ask it as a positive request.

Successful wives, rather than complaining, find ways to notice when their partner is making efforts and acknowledges them. When a successful wife does need to bring up a complaint, she finds a way to be soft about it and allow him some time to mull it over before expecting a response.

Are there habits of successful wives that you think should be added to this list? Please share your thoughts.

As the new year unfolds, consider these habits to use to revive and/or solidify your connection. It is so easy to take each other and your lives for granted, sometimes just holding down your head to get through it. That is never good for a relationship. While you don’t need to spend enormous amounts of energy on the relationship, here are some ideas to make the time that you are together count.

1. Develop rituals to use to come together at the end of the day.
Rituals used regularly connect people with each other. Finding ways to de-stress and de-brief helps fill in love map’s and supports the friendship and can aid in romance.

2. Focus on and acknowledge the positives.
The more that you talk about what you like, the more likely it is that your partner will repeat what is liked. The more you notice and acknowledge what is good about your partner, the more likely it is that you will even …maybe … come to like them even a little better.

3. Have weekly conversations about the state of the relationship.
No relationship is perfect. There are times that you need to talk about problems or complain. Choosing a time to have a “state of the marriage” conversation can be beneficial. A good way to set it up is to first talk about what you like and want more of and then to talk about what complaints or changes you need.

4. Plan weekly dates.
Get away from the every day, mundane activities, children and chores. Be sure to go somewhere different whenever you can. New experiences are good for bonding.

5. Know what is going on in your partner’s life.
Be curious and interested. Ask about their day. Listen to their stories and stresses.

We hear it from our clients and feel it in our own lives. The stress of the current divisiveness and violence in today’s political climate is seeping in to the well-being of many relationships and the health of many others.

Here are 3 things that you can do to help yourself now …

Get involved. Pick an issue that is important and find one way to get involved. Take a stand. Be clear, not attacking or defensive. Rather than feeling victimized by the large picture. Determine one issue, situation or person where you might have an impact and invest in it.

Take a break from the news. Don’t become “uninformed”, just find ways to keep it contained to certain times of your consciousness. Enjoy your family and friends. Get outside. Watch movies or comedies. You and your life are bigger than this situation.

Meditate. Look for peace and calm in your mind and in your heart. Don’t let this affect your health or your relationships.

What do you have to lose? Facing up to the situation and owning your part in it can be a step in the right direction.

Most couples wait a long time after a problem develops before they ever ask for help. Research shows that problems may go on for 6 years before a couple either asks for help or ends the marriage.

The longer that a problem goes on, the more likely it is that positive feelings and behaviors will erode and disappear. Couples therapy may be able to help you resolve the problems that you are experiencing.

A skilled and knowledgeable couples therapist can provide a safe haven to talk about the hardest of issues and can teach you the skills to be able to carry on those conversations at home.

Good marriage counselors do not want their couples to hang around forever. They want them to be able to be successful on their own.

Throughout our many years of counseling couples who are in the beginning stages of recovering from an affair, we have heard the question “How long do we have to talk about this?” many times.

Affairs are so hard on couples to work through, but not impossible. One research study reported that 70% of couples who experience an affair are able to work through the effects successfully.

There is a common theme among those who were unfaithful … “let’s move on” and for their partners it is “we have a lot to talk about.” So … the question for the therapist is often “how long DO we have to talk about the affair”?

The answer, of course, is different for each situation and couple but generally there are some guidelines:

For effective affair recovery: Talk about it whenever the hurt partner needs to … for the first few days.

After that, find ways to limit the conversation to much smaller amounts of time in order to allow the relationship to heal and recover.

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Or are you just caught up in a terrible downward spiral going nowhere fast?

That awful cycle of complaining and withdrawing and both feeling controlled shows up in many marriages that we see at Couples Counseling of Louisville and couples that we talk with through Counseling Relationships Online.

Nagging, or making the same request over and over again, usually does not get the desired result. Instead, it generally leads to a downward spiral with negative thoughts and feelings about each other and withdrawing, feeling discounted, misunderstood, controlled or unimportant.

Many people don’t realize that nagging can lead to more divorces than affairs because nagging leads to negativity throughout the relationship.
Here is the story of one couple who really started out in a good place. Problems crept in over time as they each set different priorities for their weekends and had different ideas about common marital differences like neatness vs. messiness.

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During the early years of marriage, couples focus on building a nest, settling into careers and having children.

It is too easy, after the knot is tied, to focus less on the relationship and more on the job or the children which is why the divorce rate is so high for this time in a couple‘s life. It is not that spouses love each other less, it is more because they find themselves drawn in other directions and away from each other.

Things can erode before anyone recognizes what happens. Neither spouse is usually the “bad one”. The distancing usually just happens as life evolves.

As couples grow apart by failing to nurture the marriage, they open themselves up for one or both to become unhappy and lonely. Problems don’t get resolved, fun dissipates and opportunities for affairs or enjoying the single life with friends and colleagues can become more interesting than what is happening at home.

We have 10 ways to keep the love alive and make your marriage a priority.

1. Have a technology free-zone.
Cell phones, face book, video games … all are distractions for intimacy and have their own inherent problems. Designate a period of time each day to put the technology away and enjoy each other and the relationship.

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Not all affairs happen in bad marriages and affairs usually cause a good marriage to go bad.

Affairs happen for a myriad of reasons. Technology today makes it way too easy to fall into something before you even realize it has happened. (One recent research study noted that facebook was mentioned in about 1/3 of divorce cases.)

More and more people are getting reconnected to sweethearts from their past and renewing old acquaintances, reliving old memories and sharing stories which can lead to feelings that seem to be, or actually are, feelings of love.

Partners can take each other for granted and forget to nurture the relationship. It is also very easy, with busy lives, to avoid working through conflicts and disagreements which lead to stored-up anger, hurt and resentment.

Whether a bad marriage opened a door for an affair or facebook or a reunion or just “being in the same place at the same time” led someone in a good marriage to have an affair, marriages and the people who are in them, are in need of a great deal of healing.

Affairs Can Open Doors For Healing

An affair is not a gift that anyone would ask for … but such a strong and painful wake-up call that often causes couples to recognize the state of their marriage and determine and define what they want and need to have a healthy, viable and faithful relationship.

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I often meet with couples who complain about growing apart as the challenges of daily living lure them into routines that leave little time for focusing on the relationship. This, coupled with the new and added stress of technology, invites people to be more involved with things other than their marriage.

Connecting with your partner is crucial to the stability of any marriage. It doesn’t take a lot of time to fan the flames of the relationship. In fact, research studies by John Gottman, PhD found that a simple 5 hours a week can make a difference in the quality of a couple’s relationship.

Here are 7 suggestions for ways to reconnect with your partner.

1. Find some way to connect with each other, even if it is only briefly, before you begin your day. Share a kiss and a bit about the plan for your day. If possible, have breakfast together, even if the children are rushing around with you. Spoon a few minutes before getting out of bed in the morning and make sure that you are not always the small spoon.

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About Us

We are two marriage and family therapists, married to each other and living in Louisville, Kentucky. We provide online as well as in person counseling for personal and relationship problems. Contact us and let us help you with your situation at CouplesCounselingofLouisville.com and Counseling Relationships Online.com.