I am divorced with two sons; I have custody on weekends. I coach youth soccer with my youngest son. He is a star, dominating at every position; he’s played three undefeated seasons. Numerous people have told him he should play at a higher level. I can’t help out with the more competitive level due to my divorce and work. I am struggling with seeing this massive potential and not knowing what to do . . . push it or just let him have fun. He wants to go further but I can’t commit and it is not fair to tell his mother to do so since it’s three times a week. I feel very guilty.

Ethical situations get complicated when disconnected issues are mashed together, especially when the tie that binds them is guilt. That’s happening here.

The first question is whether your kid is actually prepared to make the commitment to play at a higher level. You say he wants to “go further,” but then you talk about “pushing it.” It seems to me that, if he really wanted to do this, he would be pushing you, not the other way around. I don’t doubt his skill — he’s managed three winning seasons in a city where pro teams dream of even one. But you need to clarify whose agenda we’re talking about; kids who seriously want to play at a competitive level usually drive their parents crazy to make it happen. If the choice is really between “pushing it” or “letting him have fun,” the answer seems clear: no matter how good he is, just let him have fun.

But let’s suppose he really wants to make the effort necessary to go further. Well, what I say next won’t make your life easier, and will infuriate some readers. But here goes.

Simply stated, it is not ethical to expect children to pay the price for parents who, for whatever reason, can’t get along with each other. If a child is especially gifted in any particular area, whether music, dance, sports or academia, and wants to develop that gift, it is a primary responsibility of parenting to encourage and support him/her as fully as possible. And that responsibility is not negated or cancelled by signing divorce papers. Divorce ends a marriage; it’s not an excuse for avoiding parental responsibilities.

Even in happily united families, many factors can limit the ability of parents to expose their kids to every opportunity they might choose: finances, location, health and other factors all are in the mix. But if your kid is as talented as you say, and committed to developing his skills, you and your ex need to put aside personal differences and try to make it work.

I don’t, however, recommend you start by “telling” her what to do; if that’s your usual pattern of communication, I understand why you are living apart. Instead, try asking how you can work together to solve this problem; that takes a bit more time, but ends up in a better place than simply issuing a decree and then being angry when she resents it.

As for feeling guilty? Forget it. That’s a cheap self-indulgence that helps nobody.