The Jane Austen Experiment

In which a 'young' woman of indeterminate age, acceptable parentage, adequate means, proper standing, and no matrimonial inclination attempts to discover her Romantic Ideal by slogging through every single one of Ms. Austen's fictional works.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Mia styled my hair today. It actually turned out quite well, albeit a little fancier than my everyday style. Trying to think of a way to compliment her that wouldn't commit me to wearing multiple braids to work tomorrow, I said "Mia, this is so pretty. Maybe next time I go on a date you could style my hair for me!"

"Sure," she responded. "I'll be a lot older by then, so I'll be even better at doing hair."

Monday, February 27, 2012

Last night during a rollicking pre-bedtime game of Truth or Dare I asked my olders what qualities they thought were most important in the man they hoped to marry someday. After a brief discussion defining the term "qualities" they jumped right on board.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The dating world as a twenty-something (ahem) divorced woman is rather significantly different than I remember it being at age 18. A key difference is that now nearly everyone out there has a buttload of baggage and emotional scars up the wazoo. Some of the scars are more obvious--four previous divorces, a criminal history, still living with his mama... And some of the scars are less obvious but nonetheless real.

This shouldn't surprise anyone. Life beats us all up. To some extent, scars are evidence that we've actually LIVED, that we didn't just sit on the sidelines and watch things happen; we jumped in and really engaged with life in all its bloody, messy glory.

The problem is, too many people define themselves by their scars. They are still wallowing in past heartbreaks or nursing old grudges or proudly wearing their martyred hearts on their sleeves so all the world can see just how badly they've been mistreated by life. It goes without saying that it's not terribly attractive, in terms of the dating game. Beyond basic attraction, though, it's a big, huge red flag for a long term relationship.

Let me put it bluntly--

There are very, very few absolute dealbreakers for me about your past. There are things that definitely raise question marks, and there are things that will certainly remind me to take my time and be wise. However, even the worst stories sometimes have reasonable explanations, and sometimes, to be cliche, bad things happen to good people, so I generally avoid passing automatic judgment until I have enough information to decide whether this relationship--and you--are good for me or not.

I am much, much less interested in what wrongs were done in your past, by you or to you by someone else. I'm much more interested in what you've done with them. I'm interested in all the ways that you have overcome, forgiven, picked yourself back up, and moved forward. Courage, compassion, wisdom, strength, understanding--these are all priceless mementos from a spotted past. Refining of virtues is extremely attractive.

Even more, it gives me a good sense for how you'll handle the hits that life will throw us, should we decide to share our lives together.

I'm not interested in sharing my life with a victim, a martyr, a bully, a whiner, or a self-righteous prig. I'm not looking for perfect--I've got scars of my own. I'm hoping for someone who likes being better, who chooses to learn from the past without being defined by it. I prefer happiness. I'd like to be with someone who shares that choice.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

But lately a few too many friends have been loving on this song, and I've just got to quibble with the message.

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you..."

Seriously???

Girls (and guys)--here's the deal: when a relationship ends, THERE IS A REASON! Sometimes you don't know what the reason is, sometimes you know and it sucks, sometimes you are the reason, sometimes it's complicated, and sometimes it's painfully simple. But the reality is, whether you like it or not, there is a reason that things don't work out.

If the best you can hope for is to find someone else just like the person who broke your heart, you are in sad, sad shape and I'm not sure that anything I can say will get through to you.

Let's take a best case scenario and assume that Mr. Perfect is absolutely EVERYTHING you ever wanted in a guy. I mean, EVERYTHING. You would marry him and have his babies in a heartbeat. You wouldn't mind his sweaty socks on the floor and his toothpaste in the sink and you would gladly devote the rest of your life to offering slavish love and adoration because if anyone on earth deserves it, he does. The only teeny problem is that, for whatever reason, Mr. Perfect doesn't feel that you are Ms. Perfect-for-Him.

It is fine and absolutely healthy to say that you want to find someone very much like him, with all of his good and wonderful attributes that attracted you in the first place. But for your own sake, and that of those who love you, put an addendum on there that he has to be all that AND totally head over heels in love with you.

Even better, be open to meeting someone who is even more incredible and more perfect for you than Mr. Almost-Perfect was. Tell yourself--and really believe it--that things didn't work out because something even better is waiting around the corner.

I have been fantastically blessed in my life to know many, many extraordinary men. I've been blessed to date many extraordinary men, casually and seriously, for varying lengths of time. I've been blessed to know great men as friends, to enjoy working with good men as professional colleagues, and heck, I'll admit it--sometimes to crush on fabulous men from afar :). I totally get pointing to someone awesome and thinking, "that's what I want," whether it's one particular trait that really jumps out at you, or the whole package deal.

With any relationship, no matter how casual or intense, my constant prayer is that it will be for good. I know that I can't completely avoid the messiness and sometimes pain that come when expectations don't match up or feelings aren't reciprocated. I also know, thanks to all those extraordinary men I've known, that I can always come away a better person for knowing them. I can always come away with a better sense of what I truly want in a relationship...and in rare instances, a better sense of what I don't.

I can honestly say that I've never walked away from any relationship--whether I was the one ending it or the one being dumped--and thought, "Now if I could only find someone just like him..." Even the very best of them.

I'd hate to think that anyone was ever pursuing me because I reminded them of a previous love interest. Gah! I'm just self-centered enough to want to be loved and appreciated for my own sake, thank you very much. I'm assuming that guys feel the same way. I don't mind in the slightest if someone tells me that I'm very kindhearted, just like their favorite ex-girlfriend, or that my laugh reminds them of the girl they crushed on in sixth grade. Those are safe, innocent comparisons when kept in context. But if the sole aim is find someone like a near-mythical part of their past, I'll pass.

With all due respect--and great affection--for the men in my own past, this is why I hope to find Someone-Rather-Similar-But-Not-Quite-Like-You. Because, let's face it--things with us didn't have a happy ending, and eventually, I'd really like to be with someone who can create that happy ending with me.

Planning for that bright day sure as heck beats sitting around whining about finding someone like you.

Monday, October 3, 2011

When you are interested in going out with a single mom of young children, your chances drop drastically when you criticize her children's behavior, followed later by comments about how they need someone to "straighten them out."

While you might have convinced yourself that your motives are purely altruistic and kind, what you are really saying is 1.) she's a bad mother, 2.) she is incapable of rearing them, 3.) their perfectly normal child behavior is a problem for you because you don't know a dang thing about kids, and 4.) you trust your judgment on the matter far more than you trust hers--which is slightly odd, given that she's known the kids a heck of a lot longer than you.

Trust me, there won't be a first date, because she's already seen how this one will play itself out.

And on the odd chance that a single mom happens to pop by here, and has been seduced by this asinine line, and is feeling flattered that a guy cares enough about her and her kids to help shoulder the load and "straighten them out," I am tempted to say that you get exactly what you deserve for being such a moron...but your kids do not. Do all of you a favor and get out while the getting's good.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

He might possibly be the most brilliant actor ever. Serious, serious genius. He deserves to be far better known for his impressive body of work. I cannot remember the last time I laughed out loud in sheer delight over the absolute perfection that an actor brought to a character. "Brilliant" doesn't do it justice, but I can't think of a better word. Brains and talent are so irresistibly sexy.

Five minutes with my bff Google elicited the following: he is single & available, after recently ending a 12-year relationship (See??? This could actually happen!). He wants kids, preferably soon (Ah, Bennie, my man, I have the four most adorable kiddos on the planet! Insta-family for you. Our love was practically written in the stars. We can be the next Brangelina). He was recently named the GQ Best Dressed Actor of the Year (Mmmm....this could be a problem. As anyone who knows me IRL knows, the only chance I stand of winning a Best Dressed contest is if the other contestants are bovine, and even then, it's iffy. Wonder how he feels about being the better dressed partner in our relationship?)