Thursday, September 11, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Dutch scientists are trying to bring back extinct bovine “farm beasts.” If they want ancient beef, why don’t they just go to the nearest Taco Bell?

CBS CEO Les Moonves says that because of digital technology, overnight ratings are “virtually irrelevant.” Pretty much the same way that CBS has become virtually irrelevant for anyone who is under 80.

An elementary school in Virginia has banned Chapstick as an over-the-counter drug. Not only that, but the local school board orchestrated an intervention for Susie Chapstick.

An elementary school in Virginia has banned Chapstick as an over-the-counter drug. Apparently it has become a necessity now that schools have banned sugary soft drinks and fatty foods that kept students’ lips from becoming dry.

New Jersey has received its eighth credit downgrade under Governor Chris Christie, a record for the state. Christie is getting nervous as a ninth credit downgrade in New Jersey usually involves a couple of broken legs.

A report says a growing number of women are waiting until they are 50 to get pregnant. The only problem with being pregnant at that age is wondering if feeling ill is a result of morning sickness or menopause.

A report says a growing number of women are waiting until they are 50 to get pregnant. No one even knew that Kevin Federline was into dating cougars.

A poll says that Americans feel less safe than at any point since 9/11. Although now it isn’t so much the terrorists that scare them as their bank.

A poll says that Americans feel less safe than at any point since 9/11. Although people used to be scared of flying because of terrorists but now they are terrified by having to go through TSA searches and worrying about having enough cash to pay for all the airline fees.

A study says that teens who smoke pot are 62% less likely to finish high school. And 82% less likely to be able to finish a thought.

A federal judge has agreed to delay Detroit’s bankruptcy trial. The only problem is that by waiting until next week, the city will then be another $50 Million in debt.

Washington, D.C. area schools say a competition has come up with key findings in an attempt to identify students who are most likely to drop out of school. The best way to tell if a student is on the way to dropping out is if they are enrolled at a Washington, D.C. public school.

A study shows that all 74 major cities in China that were measured came up with dirtier air than Los Angeles. Not only that, but China also has dirtier water, and L.A. says they will prove it just as soon as they actually get any.

A study shows that all 74 major cities in China that were measured came up with dirtier air than Los Angeles. Mostly because China took half the jobs that used to be in L.A. and there is less pollution because no one has anywhere to drive to go to work.

An Army officer in Michigan was denied entry into his daughter’s school because he was told his uniform might offend some students. Although it’s hard to believe students would be offended by a uniform when they think it’s normal to see boys walk around with their pants to their ankles and girls with skirts up to their rear end.

An Army officer in Michigan was denied entry into his daughter’s school because he was told his uniform might offend some students. Which is interesting because that is the same thing they said in Iraq and Afghanistan and it didn’t stop us then.

Dartmouth has fallen out of the top ten rankings by U.S. News and World Report because of recent bad publicity over hazing and drinking. If those kinds of activities persist, the only way they will be able to restore their reputation will be to turn into a military school.

Apple has announced Apple Pay, which could change how people pay for everything. So far the only influence Apple has had over payments is managing to get their customers to shell out twice what all their products are worth.

A report says that 4% of Americans age 65 to 74 still have student loan debt. Those people need to be told that the Vietnam draft has ended and they can call it quits on their college deferment.

A report says that 4% of Americans age 65 to 74 still have student loan debt. The worst part is as soon as they finally pay it off they will be stuck having to take over their kids’ and grandchildren’s college loans.

A report says that 4% of Americans age 65 to 74 still have student loan debt. The other 96% were able to pay it off years ago so they could instead be stuck with loans on their mortgage, car and furniture.

A study says that politicians can change the hearts and minds of their constituents by stating their views. Of course that means that when you speak your mind, voters will make up theirs and vote against you.

A study says that politicians can change the hearts and minds of their constituents by stating their views. The only problem was that the study took decades until they could actually find a politician who stated their views on anything.

A poll says that since 9/11, fewer Americans say that terrorism is the nation’s top problem. Which means it is a good thing that instead of worrying about terrorists the government has shifted our attention to instead being afraid of losing our homes, jobs and life savings.

A survey for restaurant satisfaction rated McDonald’s as the lowest. Even worse was the satisfaction rating of people’s lives who found themselves having to eat at McDonald’s.

An analysis says that 40 Million Americans have student loan debt. The only good thing is that at least they won’t be awaken in the middle of the night to find a repo man trying to take their diploma off the wall.

A report says that U.S. airlines have improved their on-time performance. Mostly by comparing themselves with what happens to anyone booking a flight with United.

Starbucks is considering rethinking its no-tattoos policy for baristas. Mostly because a tattoo can’t be anymore annoying than the baristas they hire with face piercings, multi-colored dyed hair and snobby attitudes.

A study says that drinking sugary sodas can be offset by taking 12,000 steps a day. Just as long as the 12,000 steps aren’t from the couch to the refrigerator to get more soda.

A study says that eating salt is not associated with high blood pressure. It’s pouring salt over the 5,000 calories worth of food that people eat every day that is making their blood pressure high.

Alzheimer’s Disease is being linked to sleeping pills and anti-anxiety drugs. The good news is that when those people get Alzheimer’s Disease they will forget why they couldn’t get to sleep and what made them so anxious.

A study says that eating fish may prevent hearing loss. Which is bad news for people who don’t want to hear any more stories about the big one that got away.

A study says that eating fish may prevent hearing loss. Although people who eat too much tuna and get mercury poisoning have always been able to hear the voices in their heads very clearly.

A study says that doctors in hospitals are prescribing too many antibiotics. Mostly because the doctors find it a lot easier to do that to prevent infections than have to keep washing their hands every ten minutes.

A study says that more suicides are done on sunny days than when it is mostly cloudy. Mostly because when it is sunny it is a lot easier for people to read their 401K statements and shoot themselves when they see there is no chance they will ever get to retire.

A report says that U.S. kids don’t get complete physical checkups. Mostly because once they put them on the scale they pretty much know the rest of the examination isn’t going to get any better.

A report says that U.S. kids don’t get complete physical checkups or dental care. Which is understandable in Alabama where the question for both is “What’s the point?”

An intimate Britney Spears lingerie collection will soon be available in stores. In her case they are being marketed as work clothes.

An intimate Britney Spears lingerie collection will soon be available in stores. The line was debuted at the New York Public Library. The only problem was that most of her fans didn’t show up because they had no idea where the library is located.

An intimate Britney Spears lingerie collection will soon be available in stores. Britney Spears selling underwear makes about as much sense as Sinead O’Connor endorsing a line of hair care products.

Kris Jenner says she has increased her security after getting death threats. Apparently most of them came after she told Kanye West she wasn’t crazy about his music.

Jay-Z and No Doubt will take part in a concert that aims to bring an end to world poverty. Apparently they will help by charging people in Third World countries only $12 for each of their CDs.

Miss Rhode Island is out of the hospital after collapsing during the Miss American preliminaries. Apparently she was overcome after being asked to actually be able to find Rhode Island on a U.S. map.

Miss Rhode Island is out of the hospital after collapsing during the Miss American preliminaries. At first it was thought it might be from hunger but she assured doctors she just had a piece of toast last week.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he won’t resign over the Ray Rice incident. The worst part is that Goodell originally wanted to handle the situation by putting a bounty out on Rice.

Congress is calling for more transparency in the NFL about the handing of the Ray Rice case. They are shocked that anything like that could happen in this day and age. Some members of Congress say the only way to get the truth will be to waterboard everyone.

A survey lists the top ten books that have shaped Facebook users the most. The only problem is that since Facebook came on line, so many people waste their time on the social network no one has time to read books anymore.

A survey lists the top ten books that have shaped Facebook users the most. The worst part is that three out of ten respondents considered their favorite book Facebook.

Wal-Mart is using children to predict the top holiday toys. The only problem is that when most kids at Wal-Mart are asked what they want for Christmas, the top three items are bread, soap and a new car the whole family can live in.

Wal-Mart is using children to predict the top holiday toys. Although the one thing that will never show up on a shopping list from a kid at Wal-Mart will be toothpaste.

President Obama spoke to the nation and vowed to target ISIS wherever they exist. The only problem is sneaking up on her before she has a chance to chant “O Mighty Isis!”

Congressional approval is at 14% just two months before the November election. Which means there is still time to get it back down into single digits where it belongs.

Congressional approval is at 14% just two months before the November election. That puts their popularity somewhere just between “prostate exam” and “sharp stick poking you in the eye.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NFL is really getting some heat over the Ray Rice incident. It’s just a good thing that everyone has learned a lesson after police let O.J. Simpson slide eight times for beating his wife. How did that thing ever turn out, anyway? This is always the interesting part, watching everyone involved trying to jockey for position to make sure they keep what they have and not actually get punished for screwing up. I just feel bad for Rice’s wife who is actually defending the dirt bag and staying with him. She needs to channel Nicole Simpson from the beyond and see how these cases usually ends up. All of this would never happen if people would just learn to settle their differences peacefully and making sure they always send the love!