Sunday, September 21, 2014

So I got a girl's number this weekend. Her digits. The code to her telephone. The ability, nay the permission to call her anytime I so desire. Its my first of this new city I'm now living in.

Let's set the scene. I was invited by my (all non-member) colleagues to a party (because they love me and when you love someone, you invite them to parties). And I arrive about an hour into the party (because if you are cool, you are never the first one to show up to a party or the last one to leave) so there is quite a few people there already and they all yell my name when I walk in (because again, they love me). Most people are casually drinking but not everyone (of course not me) and its pretty chill, not rowdy and sloppy at all. So I was having a good time chatting with some guys when my good friend John arrives with a smoking hot blonde. And all the guys were like:

The night goes on and I get the details about The Blonde from one of my female colleagues. Supposedly The Blonde is John's off and on again "friends-with-benefits" ladyfriend. My informant also told me that she was not a fan of The Blonde. I wanted to ask if it was because The Blonde was super hot (and dressed immodestly), but I didn't because A) I didn't want to make her mad and B) I already knew the answer, of course its because she's a smoking hot!

Anyways, that was all good and fine, my curiosity had been assuaged. The night went on and The Blonde came over and started talking to me. It was weird, she still looked attractive, but as she was talking to me there was something wrong that I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Something that made her seem less visually attractive. Then I realized she was actually a dude, the pronouced Adam's apple should have been a dead give away (Haha not really, just keeping you on your toes). No really I realized that there was something wrong with her facial expressions. As time passed, I pin-pointed the disturbance in the force to her mouth. The thing didn't smile (or laugh). When it would have been the normal time for her mouth to smile or laugh, instead it looked like this.

(Just the mouth part)

I swear to you I am not making this up. It was the bizarre. The worst part was, the more I noticed that she couldn't smile, the more I couldn't stop smiling. At one point, she tries to tell John (who is now across the room) about how she and I have a mutual friend, but John doesn't seem to care. Which at first doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but then The Blonde gets all quiet and her face starts doing all kinds of weird crap. Honestly my first thought was that she might be having some kind of stroke or something. Then I thought maybe this was her face's attempt at crying (or maybe trying not crying). Either way, I felt bad. What if she had picked up on me almost laughing at her inability to laugh? But then she asked if she could have my number.

I didn't want to give it to her, but I also didn't want her face to explode from trying to express sadness. So I smoothly whipped out my phone and started a new contact so she would give me her number. Which she did (hopefully she didn't see me save it under the name, "She Who Can Not Smile") Then she started getting a little more flirty, but I pleaded fatigue and went home.

So yeah she probably had a bad plastic surgery job, maybe she has snaggle teeth, or maybe she really was going through a prolonged stroke through that whole sequence. I'll never know (at least until I ask John, or just call her and ask haha).

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Going to church at BYU, I would usually be on the look out for the cute girls in the ward. I always wanted to keep tabs on them, so if an opportune opportunity for flirting arose, I could swoop in there and work my mad skillz (yes with a "z") on her. As soon as you walk into sacrament meeting or Sunday school, you have mere seconds to locate the targets and decide from a range of moves:

Sit in the back away from everyone (meaning I'm too cool for (Sunday) school, also I'm distant and hard to get)

Sit right behind the girl (not too eager, but still in range to chat up the lass)

Sit in front of the girl (rookie mistake, she can see you, but you can't see her or talk to her unless you turn ALL THE WAY AROUND to face her, which screams desperation and is frankly more effort than I ever exerted for any female)

Sit next to her (Aggressive)

Sit on her lap (SUPER aggressive)

Also you just want to have a clear line of sight on all the hotties so can make sure no one else has moved in and claimed them (plus, eye candy). I mean, how many times have you found out a couple was dating from seeing them hold hands or cuddle during church? The correct answer is all the times.

But that is BYU. And I am not at BYU anymore. So I have a new strategy at my current ward. Its called "Wait For A Hot Girl To Move In And Then Instantly Pounce". Basically I am not currently interested in any of the girls in my ward (which are the only mormon girls in the area), so I'm just waiting for a hot girl to move in, at which time I will pounce on that babe.

(see what I did there?)

And let me tell you dear readers, today my prayers were answered and there was indeed a new girl in the ward. And she was hot! So I wasted no time in putting my plan to action and made a beeline to her (but of course all smooth and casual like). And just before I get to her and hit her with my best pick up line (Are you Google? Cuz you got everything I'm looking for.) I do quick ring check and of course she's got a ring on it. So I just keep walking like a boss (a very crestfallen boss, but still a boss gosh dang it!)

I might have to start implementing Plan B, which is the "Wait for the cute girls in my ward to break up with their boyfriends/fiances, aaaaaaaand then POUNCE!"

If that doesn't work, I'll move to Plan C, which is "Sabotage relationships of cute girls and their boyfriends, aaaaaaaand then POUNCE!"

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Artificial flavoring makes food taste better than it normally would. I'm guessing this is of vegetarians survive. As with food, dating also has factors that make people seem more desirable than they really are. Have you ever gotten super excited about someone, only for you to be totally not interested a few weeks later or whenever you really got to know them? Good chance there was some artificial flavoring involved.

Without further ado, a list of 5 common artificial flavorings:

1. Newness - Who doesn't like that new car smell! For me, a brand new girl in the ward gets a 50% boost in hotness just by virtue of being new (with rapidly diminishing returns after that). And I know it has a similar effect with women. After staring at each other for so long, its nice to get some fresh faces up in the joint. Just like Andy chose Buzz over Woody, we like our new toys.

2. Lack of options - Hey if you are getting lonely and don't have a lot of options, just about anybody will do in a pinch. And what's more pinching than being a Mormon single adult.

3. Urgency - In some ways, it is the opposite of newness. This is when the clock is ticking and time with each other is limited. Think of the semester ending, someone about move away, or someone about to leave on a mission. Everything moves fast and is exciting because time is so precious. Even if this person has been in the ward and available for months, we like to procrastinate. And even more than that everyone loves to have low-risk flings where if it doesn't work out, it won't matter because that person will be gone, but if it does work out, it will be a low maintenance option for the future/long distance relationship. Win-win!

4. Different than you and what you are use to - You have very little in common with this person and they are not like anyone you've dated before, and it excites the heck out of you (She's little bit country, I'm a little bit rock & roll, She's an uptown girl, I'm a downtown man, you get the picture). Sometimes they even don't have those annoying problems of the people you usually date, although that usually just means they have different problems you just don't know to look for yet.

5. Lack of availability - This person is unavailable and therefore we want them sooooooo bad! Its trite to say you always want what you can't have, but that doesn't make it any less true. Under normal, rational circumstances we might not even be interested in this person, but put them just outside our reach and we will go crazy for them.