Your eyes do not deceive you, Lauren. These monsters had the audacity to get tagged by some shoddy, trite graffiti vandal. How dare their white picket fence not repel black spray paint? Wouldn’t surprise me if they did it themselves, honestly.

“I know we’re living in an ultra-sensitive, politically correct world where fraternities are public enemy number one, but you know what would really tie our fence together? White supremacism.”

“What are you thinking? Perhaps a swastika?”

“No, that’s overplayed lately. We need something that says we’re racially intolerant but not just blindly following recent trends. Still need to keep it simple because I can’t paint for shit.”

“What if we throw it back and pay homage to the Klan? ‘KKK’ should be easy enough.”

“Love it.”

Is it even a question that’s exactly how it went down? I’d be in constant fear for my life with these menaces around, especially after threatening my significant other with a hot piece.

Bottom line: we need stricter control on finger pistols. Right now, there seems to be no regulation and any lunatic can seemingly get ahold of not just one, but two digit glocks on a moment’s notice. In the wrong hands, they’re killing machines. Murdering the spines of husbands all across this great country and the psyche of the women who are with them for being with such feeble men..

Editor’s note by Dorn: First person to find me in the top picture wins absolutely nothing.

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Dan Regester@Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com