My girlfriend came running up to me and anounced breathlessly, "That girl from Legally Blonde has been stabbed, you know, Reese something"
Horrified I reply " Witherspoon?"
Deadpan response " No, with a knife"

Late night sports commentator reflecting on the match between Aikiko Morigami and Aussie girl Nicole Pratt in the Australian tennis open, " Morigami seemingly held a chokehold on this match but FOLDED under pressure from the indominatable Australian."
C'mon Aussie C'mon

You: " I was at the _INSERT LOCAL PETROL STATION_ the other day and this girl pulled up and was acting very strange, she quickly jumped out of her car and filled up the tank so hastily she got petrol all over her arm. She ran into the office flung the teller a twenty for the fuel and jumped back into her car. then she did something truly crazy.. she lit a ciggarette and her entire arm went up in flames!"

Friend: "yeah! then what happened?"

You: "Then the police sirens could be heard, as she tried to speed off but was disabled by her flaming arm so they quickly caught her."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come afirst.

Den I come.

Den da two asses come togeter.

I come once-a-more.

The two asses, they come together again.

I come again and den pee twice.

Then I'a come one a lastah time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down ah'lady," said the man. "Whozah talkin' aboutah sex? I'mah just tellin' my friend a here, how to spellah da 'Mississippi'!"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?

A waspish Yankee and his beautiful young wife were vacationing in Texas. Driving along the Texas highway in their lumbering motor home on a scorching Texas day, the husband spied a man riding his horse off in the far, far distance.

"Oh, look honey! A cowboy! A real live cowboy!", he said, and quickly pulled the motor home over to the side of the road. He began honking the double airhorns on top while waving his arm out the window and yelling for the rider to come on over.

As he was a considerable distance away, it took the horseman quite some time to arrive at their vehicle. As he arrived, the couple came out of the RV and stood by the roadside.

"What can I do for ya'll?", he drawled. "You got some kind of trouble with this camper of yours?"

"No, no," replied the husband. "We just wanted to see a real live cowboy." The Texan was clearly miffed by this, since he had ridden so far out of his way, only to find a moronic Yankee who clearly wasn't in need of assistance.

"Well, then, guess I'll be leavin' now." He started to spin his horse around and go, when the Yankee man yelled out "Wait! Wait! I heard you Texas cowboys were real tough. You don't look so tough to me."

The cowboy eyed them for a moment, then slid down off his horse. He moved to stand toe to toe with the tourist, towering over him intimidatingly.

"We are tough, son," he said. "In fact, we're so tough, that right now, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. I'm gonna grab that cute little wife of yours, yank down her panties, and do her right here on the side of the road. And you know what else? While I'm doing her, you're gonna hold my balls up out of the sand until I'm done."

And with that, the Texan did exactly as he'd promised, and the Yankee did what he was told. When the cowboy was done, he turned without a word, buckling his jeans as he walked back to his horse, leaped astride without even grabbing the saddle horn, and rode away.

The couple dusted themselves off, silently got into their motor home and drove on back down the highway.

All was quiet for awhile, until finally, the husband looks over at his wife and says "You know what? I think that cowboy was a little bit afraid of me."

"What!? What the hell do you mean, he was *afraid* of you? Are you nuts?!! He screwed me, and you held his balls while he did it!!!"

"Well, yeah, I think he was afraid of me. I mean, I dropped his balls in the sand twice, and he never once said a word about it..."

__________________
"To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.

As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."

Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "yo! I'm Leonard T." He said in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.

They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."

As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.

As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?