Funny Humor on Work, Business, Leadership, Success

That absolutely 96% of executives surveyed by Accountemps believed that people with a great humorousness do higher at their jobs than the ones who have little or no sense of humor.

Numerous specialists have pointed out that the high strain stages of many/most jobs may be considerably relieved by means of operating thru anger, resentment, battle, boredom, etc., with a benign sense of innocent humor. it’s far well known to technology that humor brings all varieties of mental, physical and social benefits.

So if you’re the boss or manager and also you trap someone searching at this web site, do not forget this a part of “human aid improvement” or “company subsidized healthcare” and grant that employee a while to goof off here! and then you could cross again for your very own laptop and peruse this website, too! (i will now not recommend you to look over your worker’s shoulder and join in reading those jokes, for the reason that each of you can not locate the identical objects equally funny, for apparent motives!)

A lot of the administrative center humor published at the internet has an irritated, venomous, even vicious edge to it—due to the obvious truth that multitudes of humans are in exceptional stress and misery because of tyrant bosses, obtuse employees, maniacal managers, poisonous paintings-environments, activity-overloads, insufficient pay, thoughts-numbing paintings, not possible deadlines, noxious team-participants, et cetera advert nauseam.

FOUR PEOPLE

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

OVERHEARD:

“If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.”

THE NEW FIRM

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

TALENTED EMPLOYEE

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shalt Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

BUMPER STICKER

Ignorance of the Law of Karma is No Excuse!
(created by Elliott Isenberg)

HOW TO RESPOND TO A REJECTION LETTER

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer, just send them the following announcement:

To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for your letter of [date]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment at this time. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [your Company]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately. I look forward to working with you. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

HUMOROUS SIGNS

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist’s office:Time Wounds All Heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels

At a Proctologist’s door:To expedite your visit, please back in.

On a Plumber’s truck:We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

On another Plumber’s truck:Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

On a Church’s Billboard:7 days without God makes one weak.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing company:We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.

On an Electrician’s truck:Let Us Remove Your Shorts

In a Nonsmoking Area:If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:Push. Push. Push!

At an Optometrist’s Office:If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

On a Fence:Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

At a Car Dealership:The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric CompanyWe will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.

In a Restaurant window:Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:Drive carefully! We’ll wait…

Sign at a Public Restroom:We aim to keep this place clean.
Your aim will help!!!

At a Propane Filling Station:Thank heaven for little grills.

At a Chicago Radiator shop:Best place in town to take a leak.

Sign on the back of another septic tank truck: CAUTION – This Truck is FULL of Political Promises.

Sign seen at a café in Mazatlan, Mexico: If our food, drinks, and service aren’t up to your standards, please lower your standards.

THE QUIZ

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “manager.” The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
–This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
–This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
–This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
–This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many little pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively

disproves

the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old. They don’t even have

QUIPS FROM WILL ROGERS
(William Penn Adair Rogers, 1879-1935)

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It’s this… No nation is allowed to enter a war until they have paid for the last one.

I don’t know jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.

If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called “dumping.” Of course, if you sell cheaper than him, that’s “mass production.”

It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.

It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

Liberty doesn’t work as well in practice as it does in speeches.

Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

So let’s be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.

The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it’s been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don’t let it get the best of you.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

Things ain’t what they used to be and never were.

We can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.

Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.

You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.

QUIPS FROM MARK TWAIN
(Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1901)

From

www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mark_Twain/

If you tell the truth you won’t have to remember anything.

In religion and politics, people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand and without examination.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

Thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

A man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

QUIPS FROM GILBERT KEITH CHESTERTON (1874-1936)

From

www.chesterton.org/discover/quotations.html

Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance. (1900)

The act of defending any of the cardinal virtues has today all the exhilaration of a vice. (1901)

A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it. (1925)

Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions. (1930)

Among the rich you will never [or only rarely] find a really generous man even by accident. They may give their money away, but they will never give themselves away; they are egotistic, secretive, dry as old bones. To be smart enough to get all that money you must be dull enough to want it. (1912)

When learned men begin to use their reason, then I generally discover that they haven’t got any. (1908)

The modern world is a crowd of very rapid racing cars all brought to a standstill and stuck in a block of traffic. (1926)

I believe what really happens in history is this: the old man is always wrong; and the young people are always wrong about what is wrong with him. The practical form it takes is this: that, while the old man may stand by some stupid custom, the young man always attacks it with some theory that turns out to be equally stupid. (1922)

When a politician is in opposition he is an expert on the means to some end; and when he is in office he is an expert on the obstacles to it. (1918)

I have formed a very clear conception of patriotism. I have generally found it thrust into the foreground by some fellow who has something to hide in the background. I have seen a great deal of patriotism; and I have generally found it the last refuge of the scoundrel. (1927)

The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected. (1924)

It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. (1921)

It’s not that we don’t have enough scoundrels to curse; it’s that we don’t have enough good men to curse them. (1908)

There’d be a lot less scandal if people didn’t idealize sin and pose as sinners. (1951)

The real argument against aristocracy is that it always means the rule of the ignorant. For the most dangerous of all forms of ignorance is ignorance of work. (1918)

The average businessman began to be agnostic, not so much because he did not know where he was, as because he wanted to forget [his wrongdoings]. Many of the rich took to scepticism exactly as the poor took to drink; because it was a way out. (1922)

QUIPS FROM HENRY DAVID THOREAU (1817-62)

From:

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Henry_David_Thoreau

He who gives himself entirely to his fellow-men appears to them useless and selfish; but he who gives himself partially to them is pronounced a benefactor and philanthropist.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end, an end which it was already but too easy to arrive at.

[There was during the Gold Rush] the man who found the great nugget which weighed twenty-eight pounds, at the Bendigo diggings in Australia. [We read:] “He soon began to drink; got a horse, and rode all about, generally at full gallop, and, when he met people, called out to inquire if they knew who he was, and then kindly informed them that he was ‘the bloody wretch that had found the nugget.’ At last he rode full speed against a tree, and nearly knocked his brains out.” I think, however, there was no danger of that, for he had already knocked his brains out against the nugget.

When our life ceases to be inward and private, conversation degenerates into mere gossip. We rarely meet a man who can tell us any news which he has not read in a newspaper, or been told by his neighbor; and, for the most part, the only difference between us and our fellow is, that he has seen the newspaper, or been out to tea, and we have not. In proportion as our inward life fails, we go more constantly and desperately to the post-office.

NOT YET READY FOR BUSINESS AT A NEW STORE

Two European businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with no inventoried stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Asian tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick accent asked “What you sell?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the Asian man said, “You doing very well… only two left!”

A MODERN LORD’S PRAYER

Our Father, who shall be termed party of the first part, whose place of business is in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom, pursuant to terms and conditions, come. Thy will, duly uncontested, be done on earth, inasfar as existing statutes
permit, as it is in Heaven. Give us this Thirty-first day of December, 2000, our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, notwithstanding claims, liens and legal costs, as we, who shall be termed party of the second part, forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, i.e. sin, corruption, greed, gluttony, etc., but deliver us from evil, the nature of which shall be determined by the court. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and, pending appeal, the Glory forever. Amen.

SPELLING

(only long-time English-speakers will probably understand this:)

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpelnig was ipmorantt! Lte’s sohw tihs to the bsos so he wno’t crtizicie our wrok so mcuh!

NUMBERS

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

IN THE BEGINNING—CORPORATE STYLE

In the Beginning, there was

The Plan

; but The Plan was without form; and man created

The Procedure

.

Darkness was upon the face of the employees; and they were sore afraid; and they looked upon their supervisors and cried: “It is a crock of dung and stinks to High Heaven!”

And the supervisors spake unto the project supervisors, saying: “It is a bucket of manure and intolerably malodorous.”

And the project administrators spake unto the section managers, saying: “It is a vessel of fertilizer and exceedingly strong.”

And the section managers spake unto the department directors, saying: “It promoteth growth and is very powerful.”

And the department directors spake unto the company president, saying: “It augmenteth development and productivity.”

And the company president looked down on The Procedure and declared: “AND IT WAS GOOD!” And so the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit Happens.

COMPUTER HAIKU

In Japan, they have apparently replaced Microsoft Window’s impersonal and unhelpful Error messages with Zen Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 syllables in the second, 5 syllables in the third line. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.

Windows XP crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

–From: http://archive.salon.com/21st/chal/1998/02/10chal2.html; see that archive for more haiku and the names of the various contributors.

HOW TO BE MISERABLE

See yourself as the center of the universe. Focus attention on yourself. Think about yourself. Talk about yourself. Use “I” and “me” as often as possible. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others. Listen greedily to what people say about you. Expect to be appreciated. Be suspicious. Be jealous and envious. Be sensitive to slights. Never forgive a criticism. Trust nobody but yourself. Demand agreement with your own views on everything. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them. Never forget a service you have rendered someone. Shirk your duties if you can. Do as little as possible for others. (Author unknown)

TURBULENT TIMES

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.
A lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, “You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?” He replied, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management.”

DAY OFF NEEDED

A man rings his boss and says, “I have to take a day off work, because my wife and I are having a baby.” “Oh, okay.” The next day the man comes to work and his boss says, “Is it a boy or a girl?” The man says, “I don’t know. I’ll tell you in nine months.”

THE SHREDDING MACHINE

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young executive, eager to be perceived as helpful. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

SURPRISE VISIT

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

PRISON VS. WORK

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8’ x 10’ cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6’ x 8’ cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison, you get your own toilet.
At work, you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking from the inside through bars wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

BEST EXCUSES WHEN FOUND SLEEPING AT YOUR WORK DESK….

· “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

· “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”

· “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. You got here just in time!”

· “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

· “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

· “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

· “Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

· “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

· “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

· “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

· “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

· “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”

· “Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

· And the #1 best thing to say if caught sleeping at your desk… “ … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

THE LESSON

Then Jesus took his disciples up to the mountain and gathering them around him, he taught them, saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are they that mourn. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are they that thirst for justice. Blessed are you when persecuted. Blessed are you when you suffer. Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven.”

Then Simon Peter said: “Do we have to write this down?”

And Andrew said: “Are we supposed to know this?”

And James said: “Will we have a test on this?”

And Phillip said: “I don’t have any paper!”

And Bartholomew said: “Do we have to turn this in?”

And John said: “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this!”

And Matthew said: “Can I go to the boys’ room?”

And Judas said: “What does this have to do with real life?”

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plan and inquired of Jesus: “Where are your anticipatory set and objectives in the cognitive domain?”

And Jesus wept.

*

WORKER EVALUATION

E-mail #1

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader

E-mail #2

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd-numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader

NEW GUY AT WORK

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” asked the manager. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only— Smith, Jones, Baker— that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
Replied the manager: “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

SEVERANCE PAY

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intelligent leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

HOURLY LABOR

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. “Labor charges!” she exclaimed. “It only took you five minutes.” The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. “Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,” the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

DEFINITION OF SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.–Lana Turner

MISSING WORK

A contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

· If it is all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

· I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

· When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.

· I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

· The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite nearby objects when I am startled.

· I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the explosion). Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

· I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

· Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about that Super Bowl game, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

· Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

· I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

· My stigmata’s acting up.

· The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

· My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

· I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

· I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by ecologically sensitive wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

· I prefer to remain an enigma.

ASSORTED QUIPS:

Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

Peter’s Principle: In any organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence.

Herblock’s Law: If it is good, they will stop making it.

Murphy’s Law: If something can go wrong, it likely will.

O’Toole’s Rule: Murphy was an optimist.

Andy Rooney’s 50-50-90 Rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

Timothy’s Principle: If something happens, it was meant to happen. Otherwise something else would have happened!

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.–Adrienne Gusoff

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.–Darrin Weinberg

Common sense is not so common. –Voltaire

It’s not so much what folks don’t know that causes problems; it’s what they do know that ain’t so. –Artemus Ward

A wise man never knows all; only fools know everything. –Unknown

When all is said and done, as a rule, more is said than done. –Lou Holtz

Only a mediocre person is always at his best. –W. Somerset Maugham

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? –Edgar Bergen

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. –A.A. Milne

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?
Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg. –Abraham Lincoln

Statistics always remind me of the fellow who drowned in a river whose average depth was three feet. –Woody Hayes

Why is “nice” bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?–George Costanza (Jason Alexander) in famous “Seinfeld” tv show

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.–Jerry Seinfeld

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”? –George Carlin

Enjoy yourself. These are the “good old days” you’re going to miss in the years to come.—Robert Palmer

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.—Robert Palmer

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. –M. Kathleen Casey

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. –Groucho Marx

When looking for a reason why people do certain things, never rule out sheer stupidity. –Walter E. Williams

People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

It’s hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

It’s a BIG mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.

For this life, I left the comfort of the primeval ooze?

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I couldn’t care less.

Annoying you personally is part of my ongoing therapy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

If you give some managers an inch, they think they’re a ruler.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

THE COFFEE POT

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffee-pot. One morning I took it into the ladies’ room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn’t realize how long I’d been until someone slid a note under the door. “You win,” it read. “Any ransom demand will be met. Just please, please release the coffee-pot!”

POSTED AT THE OFFICE

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

POSTED AT PEOPLE’S WORK-STATIONS

:
–mostly from www.stickergiant.com

Pathologically perky.

I’m one epiphany away from a paradigm shift.

All the sane people quit here years ago.

Go away and come back when you’re happy.

This is probably bizarrely therapeutic for both of us.

I’m beyond normal.

Being perfect isn’t nearly as easy as I make it look.

Just pretend it’s all okay.

Rage responsibly.

I think my brain has a mind of its own.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I’m sorry–did you want a side of “pity” with that?

Don’t believe everything you think.

Please do not feed or tease the computer geeks.

The geeks shall inherit the earth.

Be nice to nerds: chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant around a pack of dogs.

Brain-dead and quite happy.

Why worry when you can obsess?

My life is so organized I don’t even have to be there.

I refuse to organize my life: it would interfere with the creative process.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

OK, the coast is clear: you can stop acting normal now.

I’m marching to a different accordion.

Fashionably strange.

Gone crazy… back soon.

I may be out of my mind, but at least I get out once in a while.

What if the hokey pokey is what it’s all about?

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Therapy has taught me that it’s all your fault.

I used to care. Now I take a pill for that.

Normal people worry me.

I’ll listen to your malarkey for half of what your therapist charges you.

Cancel my subscription: I don’t need your issues.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid being like this.

Don’t tell me to relax. Stress is the glue holding me together.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

I just do what the little voices tell me to do…

Don’t get even, get odd.

It’s cool how our neuroses complement each other.

It’s just my “pathetic loser” phase right now.

I almost gave in to positive thinking, but sarcasm came to the rescue.

My guilt trips are so sophisticated, you’ll be suicidal by the time you realize it’s not your fault.

Quietly thinking weird thoughts.

My inner child is a mean little s.o.b.

I’m caught in a vortex of unspeakable evil. And you?

It’s better to go crazy and know it, than to be sane and doubt it.

On the journey of life, I chose the PSYCHO-path!

Any connection between my reality and yours is purely coincidental.

I wouldn’t want to be normal even if I knew what it is.

My bartender can beat up your therapist.

I don’t have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem.

It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.

I’m smiling because I have no idea what’s going on.

Lord, help me to be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.

I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.

That’s it. I’m calling the mothership.

HIGH TECHNOLOGY WORLD

Three men are sitting in the sauna, draped in towels. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. Paul presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. “That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. Max lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

Dave, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. Within minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper emerging from his buttocks. The others raise their eyebrows. With the best straight face he can muster, he explains, “I’m getting a Fax.”

NEW SECRETARY

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang. “You must answer that telephone,” he told her irritably. “Okay,” she replied, “but it all seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it’s for you!”

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU’VE GOT THE CONSULTING BUG

10. Can’t stop using words that don’t exist.

9. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins.

8. Use so much jargon in conversation, friends think you’re speaking a foreign language.

7. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about.

6. Always-hyphenating-words-that-don’t-need-to-be-hyphenated.

5. Keep seeing bullet points everywhere.

4. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of the great novel War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix.

3. Tired of having a social life beyond work.

2. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert.

1. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience.

GIVING 100% PERCENT

I hope always to be giving fully 100% at work:
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday, and
5% on Friday.

THE SIX PHASES OF A PROJECT

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honour for the non-participants

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

· Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

· Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

· Make up silly nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Choo-choo.”

· Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

· Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmm, that feels soooo good!”

· “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

· Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

· Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

· Whenever anyone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

· Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

· Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

· Determine through trial and error just how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

· Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

· Practice making fax and modem noises.

· As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

· Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.

· At meetings around the conference table, bend momentarily under the table and then emerge wearing contact lenses that white-out your eyes.

· Drop meaningless and confusing “management-speak” into conversations such as: “What’s the margin, Marvin?” “When’s this turkey going to get basted?” “If we don’t get this brook babbling we’re all going to end up looking like doe-eyed beavers.”

· Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.

· Announce that you’ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:
MY SECRET AGENDA:
1 Trample the weak
2 Triumph alone
3 Invade Poland
–Then re-collect the papers sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven’t seen them.

· Decorate your office with pictures of the Partridge TV family’s children Cindy, Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.

· Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom, and, when people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be much faster than that.”

· Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. After everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, suddenly switch to espresso.

· Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout “I AM NOT FINISHED.”

DILBERT’S WORDS OF WISDOM ON WORK ATTITUDES

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they
make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress… I’m a carrier.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

MORE ENNERVATED WORK ATTITUDES

· Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

· Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

· I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.

· My reality check bounced.

· I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

· You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter.

· I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

· Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

A PRAYER SUITABLE FOR THE WORK DAY

Dear Lord, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that! But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.

DIFFERENT POSITIONS

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 & 42 degrees North latitude and between 58 & 60 degrees West longitude.”

“You must work in information technology” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to me.”

The man below says, “You must be a corporate manager.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

INSURANCE CLAIM

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued… and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

HELP IS HARD TO FIND

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer—you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the comfort-level in hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, escalators and various useful gizmos, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake—he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

MORE LAWYER JOKES

(Obviously, these don’t apply to the

good

lawyers, the lawyers who serve the downtrodden, defend the environment, and give voice to the “voiceless”! These jokes refer to the “other kind” of lawyers…)

Lawyer’s creed:

A person is innocent until proven bankrupt.

* * *

LABORATORIES

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. lawyers are more plentiful than rats
2. the lab technicians don’t get as attached to the lawyers
3. there are some things a rat just won’t do
4. neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it

–What’s the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It’s harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

* * *

WEDDING NIGHT

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was…God, I miss him!
…But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Great,” said the lawyer, “but, why?”
“Well, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m really gonna get screwed!”

* * *

LAWYER IN HELL

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

* * *

LAWYER IN HEAVEN

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But to his great surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by St. Peter’s desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be fully 287 years old!”

GOOD BET

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet.You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady than said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet” “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I’d have the Bank of America president’s balls in my hand.”

* * *

PROBLEMS WITH YOUR LAWYER

You Definitely Need A New Lawyer When…

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

He tells you that his last good case was “Budweiser.”

When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

A prison guard is shaving your head.

Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.

He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.

He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said…”

Just before he says to the judge “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”

* * *

[A few hundred more lawyer jokes can be found at:
www.successunlimited.co.uk/humour/lawyer.htm]

MERGERS AND ACQUISITIONS

In the wake of so many mergers in recent decades, here are more that we can expect to see:

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become KNOTT NOW!

JOB APPLICATION

The following is an allegedly true application for employment with a McDonalds fast-food franchise:

NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Fifty pounds of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS

Did you know who in 1923 was
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas-electric utility company?
3. Principal broker for J.P. Morgan & Co., and within several years president of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. The “Wall Street Wonder” “Cotton King”?
6. Head of one of the world’s biggest monopolies?
7. Mega-wealthy manager of the utilities conglomerate that later became General Electric?

These men should have been considered some of the world’s most “successful” men of their era. At least they found the secret of making money. But do you know what became of them?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Bethlehem Steel, Charles M. Schwab, died in 1939 a complete pauper ($1.7 million in debt), after squandering some $25-40 million (in today’s dollars: $275-$440 million) even before the 1929 stock-market crash.

2. The President of the era’s largest gas-electric utility company (AGECO), Howard Hopson, lost most of his personal fortune of $74 million (attained largely through fraud and pyramid schemes) and went insane, dying at age 67 in 1949.

3. The principal broker for J.P. Morgan & Co., and then four-term president of the N.Y.S.E. (starting in 1929), Richard Whitney, embezzled huge sums to fund his extravagant lifestyle, and was sent to Sing-Sing prison for it.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, William Cutten, worth millions of dollars in the 1920s, was suspected ringleader of one or more insider consortiums that artificially boosted the stock market to an all-time high in Spring 1929, leading to the Great Crash on Oct. 24 that year; he died of a heart attack in 1936 at age 66 after being indicted for income tax evasion.

5. The “Wall Street Wonder” Jesse Livermore, the “Cotton King” and “King of Speculators” who was later blamed for having been one of the precipitators of the Great Crash of 1929, committed suicide in 1940.

6. Ivar Kreuger, the “Match King,” founded and ran Kreuger & Toll, a multi-billion dollar match conglomerate; like other financial crooks of his era, he essentially ran a huge pyramid scheme via a complex structure of hundreds of subsidiary shell companies, disallowing audits of his firm’s financial statements. He committed suicide in 1932.

7. Samuel Insull, died of a heart attack with 20 cents in his pocket in a subway under Paris at age 78 in 1938, six years after his financial empire came crashing down due to an overly leveraged financial position and after he was forced to stand trial in the U.S. for embezzlement, mail fraud, and violation of the bankruptcy acts.

Meanwhile, in 1923, golfer Gene Sarazen won the PGA Tournament (after winning the same event and the U.S. Open the year before) and wound up winning each of the “four major” professional golf tournaments (including the British Open and the Masters) and dozens of other tournaments as well. In the 1990s, Gene was still playing golf and was financially well off until his death in 1999 at age 97.

Morale of the Story: Stop Worrying about Business and Start Playing Golf!

(The party-poopers at www.snopes.com/glurge/fortune.asp say that the real essence of this story is how “happiness and misery, kindness and greed, and good works and bad deeds are within the capacities of us all, not merely a select few.”)

You Know You’re Rich When…

Your children play monopoly with real money.

A SAYING IN INDIA

The truly rich man is he who is content. The truly poor man is he who has many desires.

INFAMOUS LAST WORDS

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers”–Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home”
–Ken Olson, chairman & founder of Digital equipment, 1977

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” –Western Union internal memo, 1876

KIDS AT WORK

Joe said, “I took my daughter to ‘Bring Your Children to Work Day.’ She did nothing but gab on the phone, surf the Internet, and pretend to be doing things.” He shook his head. “Boy, these kids sure get the hang of office life quickly.” –from FastCompany.com staff

ELEVATOR

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. “Sure thing, son,” replied the bellboy. “How dare you call me son!” exclaimed the outraged man. “Well,” replied the boy, “I’ve brought you up, haven’t I?”

COMPUTERS

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer on which he is working?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

GEORGE CARLIN ON THE ADVERTISER’S LULLABYE

[

Years ago, in an oratorical tour de force, Carlin satirized in a long, rapid-fire litany the advertising industry’s seductive clichés, delivered in the ad’man’s typically manic, artificial voice of hyperbole:

No cash? No problem! No kidding! No fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments or interest till September.

Limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply.

So come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation
with our friendly, professional staff. Our experienced and
knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a
selection that’s just right for you and just right for your budget.

Actually, it’s our way of saying “Bend over just a little farther
so we can stick [… it to you] a little bit deeper, a little bit DEEPER, you miserable no-good [email protected]#$%&*! consumer!”

LOOK WHO’S BOSS

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $600 a week. Why?” The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?” With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy.”

SECRET TO SUCCESS

A reporter asked a bank president, “Sir, What is the secret of your success?”
“Two words: Right decisions.”
“And how do you make right decisions?”
“One word: Experience.”
“And how do you get experience?”
“Two words: Wrong decisions.”

TWO AND TWO

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant the question. “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His reply was, “Would that be ‘twenty-two’?”

The second was a social worker. She said, “I’m sure this must somehow be important for this company’s process, but I’m not sure of the answer.”

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven by the court to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, “How much is two and two?”

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and, in a low voice, slyly asked: “How much do you want it to be?”

And he got the job.

KEYS TO BUSINESS SUCCESS

(for losers and slackers)

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive
personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss–and you will get caught–your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing–they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I already took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full”–a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

THE CORPORATE BOAT RACE

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of “Executives” was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: the problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that “too many people were steering and not enough rowing.” To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to “4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager” and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it.”

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for his poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high-performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

HOLIDAYS

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads “AA Only” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – the days are so short this time of year – or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Ok?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connota-tion to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and work will resume as normal. The CEO and management will be spending the holidays in Hawaii.

A NEW APPROACH TO TRAINING

A cowboy walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of cow manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “I want some coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, coming right up.” He gets the cowboy a mug of coffee, and the cowboy drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the cowboy returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of cow manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “I want coffee”. The waiter says “Whoa, cowboy. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”

The cowboy smiles and proudly says, “I’m in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”

AN ACTUAL TOMBSTONE QUOTE

I told you that I was sick!

RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to its founders, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

A NOTICE FROM A COMPANY ON HARD TIMES

DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY, ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST-CUTTING MEASURES:

Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of Spam and tuna fish (extra points for those who get their tuna from a store’s pet food section) can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

FEDERAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

(allegedly true)

· His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

· I would not allow this employee to breed.

· Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

· When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

· This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

· She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

· This employee should go far–and the sooner he starts the better.

· This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

· Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

· Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

· A gross ignoramus–144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

· A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

· A prime candidate for natural deselection.

· Bright as Alaska in December.

· One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.

· Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

· He is so dense, light bends around him.

· If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

· One neuron short of a synapse.

· If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

· It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

· Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

· If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

· Takes him one and a half hours to watch the 60 minutes program.

· Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

· The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

BEGGING

At the entrance to a Hindu temple there was a beggar always stretching out his hand, asking and pleading for alms. One day he stretched out both of his hands. A passerby asked him: “All these days, you were stretching out only one hand —why are you today stretching out two hands?” To which the beggar replied: “

Hari Om!

Praise God! Business was so good that I opened another branch!”

HOW NOT TO RUN A CREDIT CARD BANK

Someone contributed the following advice and true story at a financial discussion site in March 2009, during the Great Recession:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! The following illustrates what is happening in customer service, being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now it is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been (turned over for collection).’
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you– the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
[Supervisor gets on the phone]
Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given by Citibank, and after they received the fax from the great nephew:)
Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’
Citibank: ‘That might help…’
Family Member: ‘Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot #69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’

And you wondered why Citi is going broke and need the fed government to bail them out??!

RULES FOR SUCCESS

(from Dan Bloch)
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don’t tell people everything you know.

KNOWLEDGE

Need to impress someone quickly? Make use of the following vocabulary schema:

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column (1,2,3), starting with rows 0-1-2… For instance, number 010 produces “integrated organisational options,” while number 257 produces “systematized logistical projection.” These phrases can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you’re talking about, but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!

FROM GEORGE CARLIN:

The paradox of our time in history is that:

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.