Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Witches and Dwarves

I’m glad to hear that the British police are confiscating wands and broomsticks that visitors are trying to smuggle into the Houses of Parliament. There’s no telling what the honourable members might do after being hexed by a politically active witch. They already behave like utter buffoons in the debating chamber, venting amid a chorus of farmyard noises. If a witch managed to put a pagan spell on them, the midget who sits in the Speaker’s chair might not be safe. Uglier creatures than he have been molested by the goatish mob.

Most of the witches I knew in my circus days were wholly apolitical, which I thought was a very good thing. Politics is a dirty game which would befoul and corrupt the spiritual values of the Spooky Sisterhood. The witches I met were convinced I had supernatural powers, and invited me to their outdoor naked dancing events (as an observer).

“My dear witchy ladies,” I said to them. “Before I accept your gracious invitation, I must disabuse you of the notion that I am a hairy wizard. I regret to say that I have no magical benediction to bestow upon your sacred coven.”

“Come along anyway,” they replied. “You can scare off the peeping toms.”

This was a service I was more than happy to provide. The naked witch is a sublime metaphysical entity that should never be ogled by perverts and degenerates. Her succulent flesh is a sacrament for the forest demigods, not an aid to self-abuse.

My relationship with the circus dwarves was much less cosy. People thought they disliked me for tossing them in my act, but most of them thoroughly enjoyed sailing through the air with their little limbs akimbo. In truth, they resented me for being the star of the show. Dwarves are jealous by nature and would rather forgo the pleasures of unaided flight than see a rival win acclaim.

A recent episode of dwarfish rascality has occurred in Argentina, where the farmers of Catamarca are blaming a marauding leprechaun for ruining their harvests.

“It was short like a dwarf and I’ve seen it and spoken to it,” said Cosimus Behana. “I wasn’t drunk or drugged – we are really cursed.”

This craven peasant needs a kick in the seat of his pants. A farmer who fatalistically allows a dwarf to commit mischiefs on his land is a disgrace to his profession. One has to wonder what he said to the creature when he spoke to it. It wouldn’t surprise me if he offered to trim its beard and polish its hobnailed boots.

If this bothersome imp is really causing their crops to fail, the farmers could easily make him desist with a bit of old-fashioned bribery. In my experience, a dwarf will suspend any vendetta he is pursuing if you offer him beer and prostitutes. With any luck, the hookers will take him away when he’s drunk and sell him on the open market as a brothel mascot. I’ve yet to meet the dwarf who could outfox a call girl.

Anyone will suspend a vendetta if offered beer and prostitutes, regardless of stature.

As for witches trying to enter the Houses of Parliament... I guess the cast of Harry Potter have to do something now that the franchise has come to an end. Actors and politicians get on famously; both make a living out of lying.

I can never tell how mischievous the wee folk are supposed to be. Hide my shoes? Or cut off my feet? I once read about the legends of Celtic lore and was not surprised by how they became such a bleary people.

I can quite understand why an egg or a boomerang were taken into the Houses of Parliament, but a broomstick? Definitely signs of hexing in my opinion, though that wouldn't necessarily prove to be a bad thing.

As for dwarves, I've had them up them up to here. I concur with Jaya J though, the Imp from The Game of Thrones is a fabulous character.I think your fraternising with naked witches may have had an affect on you Mr Bananas as all your stories appear to be posted at the bewitching hour.

I'm trying to comprehend Mr. GB, but maybe I've had too much coffee for today... what exactly do people intend to accomplish by taking broomsticks into parliament?Seriously. And tennis balls? Maybe they should have a guard outside pointing them in the direction of Wimbledon.

Juliette: I'm as fed up of dwarves as you are, Juliette. I've had them up to here, there and everywhere. Witches are still welcome chez Bananas, though. I hope you got my explanation for favouring the bewitching hour.

Beth: I couldn't imagine you being anything other than a benign witch, Beth. Do you make any potions?

Billy: If that doesn't make a dwarf shit it pants I don't know what will.

Jaya: Ah, I misread your comment as "I thought better of messing with dwarves...". I'm glad they've got a good role model on TV, it'll give them less excuse for misbehaving.

Azra: Political activism can make people behave very strangely, Miss Azra. People have covered themselves in dung to embarrass governments.

Dirty Cowgirl: I thought it was the farmers who made the crop circles to attract tourists. Aliens just kidnapped people and stuck probes up their rectums.

What's even sadder is that I didn't need to Google a single one. Although, it took me a while to remember "Bashful."I actually dated Horny, Sleazy, and Easy. Triplets are fantastic. Plus, I could put my beer on the tops of their head.Please excuse the previous bit of misogyny. I generally don't feel that way towards women. Mostly, because most of them could beat me up.