Dear Emuna: The Misunderstood Wife

Why doesn't my husband understand me?

I have been married for 10 years. My husband is a decent person and basically good husband but sometimes I get very frustrated. I feel that after all this time he should be able to understand my moods and needs without my always having to tell him. When he doesn’t, I get very hurt and end up lashing out. What do you suggest?

-- Misunderstood Wife

Dear Misunderstood,

I can’t state this often enough. Our husbands (or wives) are NOT mind readers. They do not instinctively know what we are thinking or what we need. It is an unfair and unrealistic expectation to place upon them. And it’s a complaint I hear all the time.

I’m not sure what the root of it is – perhaps some foolish romantic notion found in 19th century novels – but it has no basis in reality. And, more importantly, it is not a reflection of your husband’s love for you. It is not a litmus test of his true interest in your life. And it is destructive to you and your marriage to turn it into one.

We know that marriage is about communication. If you have a need that you would like your husband to satisfy, tell him. If you have a mood you would like your husband to respond to, let him know. You said he is a decent human being. I will assume he cares about you and wants the marriage to succeed. But you have to help him; you have to work with him.

If you don’t want to be misunderstood, share your thoughts and give him the information he needs to understand you. Don’t allow romanticized notions of telepathic abilities to derail your relationship with your spouse. He wants to help you – but you have to let him in.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna

I realize that in marriage it "takes two to tango" and that both spouses need to take responsibility for the relationship. I do not intend to paint myself as the tzaddik who does no wrong as that's simply not true. I have made and continue to make my fair share of mistakes. However, I am struggling to know how to respond to my wife in the following scenarios.

1) My wife is carrying with her a lot of anger which I feel is poisoning her own peace of mind as well as affecting negatively our marriage and our kids. I often find myself walking on eggshells, not knowing what will trigger her anger next. Sometimes her anger has nothing to do with me and at other times I know that I say or do things to trigger it. Even when I may be the cause, I often feel that her level of anger in response is disproportionate. Her anger often expresses itself in passive-aggressive behavior. How can I help her and what would be the appropriate way to respond in these situations?

2) My wife complains frequently. I don't claim to be the best husband and father in the world, but I do try and yet nothing that I do seems to be "good enough". She generally seems to view the glass as half-empty as opposed to half-full. Perhaps it's my fault. Perhaps I need to focus on treating her better and then her complaints would gradually disappear. How could I respond appropriately?

-- Trying Hard

Dear Trying Hard,

I heard a beautiful idea in a class recently. The teacher said that “marriage is the finishing school for your soul.” The challenges that our marriages present are opportunities for us to grow. And frequently the reason our spouses seem to push out buttons is because they’ve hit on the exact spot where we struggle the most. So take heart; if you work at it, the best is yet to come.

Let’s take question 2 first. Seeing the glass half-full or half-empty is often innate. People are usually born with a more pessimistic or a more optimistic perspective. Additionally the home we grow up in may reinforce or counter this viewpoint. If there was a lot of dissatisfaction in your wife’s family of origin, that may also have contributed to her half-empty outlook. This doesn’t mean that she – or you - is stuck. It means that you need to begin with some empathy and understanding. It means that someone with a half-empty world view will need to work hard to change it – and will need a lot of support in so doing.

Try to be patient with her complaints. Try to respond humorously to help her gain some perspective and maybe even laugh at herself. Give her frequent compliments so she can experience the power of praise versus negativity. And if she is receptive, maybe you could even study together the topic of trusting in God and recognizing that everyone has exactly what they need. You are not responsible for her attitude but, hopefully, these tips will help you respond in a way that is more appropriate and more helpful to your wife.

With respect to her anger, the last point applies here as well. Try not to react with anger yourself. Try not to react defensively (I know this is difficult). Try to have empathy for whatever underlying pain has created this feeling in your partner. And try to find a quiet time (maybe take her out for a little while) to gently raise the issue and discuss it calmly. I assume it’s not a feeling she enjoys and that she feels trapped and confused. Explore together how you can both help her move on from this negative place. If you are both united in this effort, I’m sure you will experience positive results.

-- Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I am a happily married man. I have a wonderful wife, well-adjusted children, a nice home and a good job. I seem to “have it all”. Yet I’m tormented inside because I feel like I present a perfect image on the surface yet underneath I am riddled with insecurity, petty concerns and other selfish traits. I am afraid that if my wife finds out, the whole house of cards will come tumbling down. But I’m having a hard time keeping up the front. Can you help me before I crack?

-- Outer Image

Dear Outer and Inner,

I actually think I can. You don’t say how long you’ve been married but since you mention more than one child, I can assume at least a few years. So I’m going to let you in on a secret. Whatever you think you’re hiding, your wife already knows! The Torah informs us that women are endowed with bina yesera, an extra dose of perceptiveness. They see people very clearly. Your wife lives with you. She knows you like no one else. She sees your strengths and your vulnerabilities.

And it’s okay. She knows you’re not perfect. She knows you are human with all that implies. She recognizes your faults. But she doesn’t judge you for them or associate you with them. She focuses on the good – and you should too. She accepts the whole package and would laugh away your concerns. No one is perfect – not ourselves, not our spouses, not our children. But when we love, we put our emphasis and focus on the positive and play down the negative. It sounds like you’re a lucky man. Don’t waste the blessing in your life by being too naïve about marriage (and your wife!) to relax and enjoy it.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(7)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2015 6:10 PM

bring on the conversation that needs to happen!!!

What a fantastic answer to outer image. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he could sit down with his wife and have "the conversation", she would say "I know", and he would finally let the breath out that he's been holding in for so long. Imagine what their marriage would look like now. I can already hear the music playing.

(6)
Bruce A.,
August 21, 2011 2:57 PM

Blessings and Curses

Please consider Family Foundations International, and more specifically The Ancient Paths Seminar. We are more complicated than what we realise and foundational issues are easier to deal with that we believe. Ther are no simple answers but there are specific solutions if openly persued.

(5)
Bobby5000,
July 27, 2011 1:06 PM

How women and men differ

It's popular to say couples should communicate better. It's a little misleading because each wants to communicate differently.
Men want to solve problems. Women want to talk about their problems and that discussion is theapeutic for them. For the man, that is frustrating. Assume the couple has some money issues. If they are discussed on Monday, and the wife brings them up the next day, the husband feels she is nagging. Some suggest she should tell him what she wants and that's true. A direct discussion of wants and needs is something the man is comfortable with, as long as we are talking about this discussion once every week or two weeks.
Books like Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, do an excellent job of discussing these differences. In the mainline Jewish community, that is why a husband and wife are needed to bring up children, as two halfs of a hole.

(4)
Anonymous,
July 27, 2011 11:57 AM

trying hard may need help

My comment is for the one who signed "trying hard". I have had the opportunity in this last year to be very educated about mental illness. The way he walks on eggshells and cannot predict anger outbursts leads me to think there may be something more going on that just being a nice guy cannot help.

(3)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2011 1:10 PM

To Trying Hard- It's not your fault...

It sounds like your wife might be suffering either from depression Or even Borderline Personality Disorder that can cause her to act that way. IN any case, she needs some therapy to get to the root of that anger, & eradicate it before it distroys you all.... Don't put it off, it won't go away on it's own, and it's not dependent on waht you do or don't do for her.
Good luck!

(2)
Miriam,
July 25, 2011 12:44 PM

To Misunderstood Wife

As Rebbetzin Esther Greenberg (Woman to Woman), comments to women with your complaint: Unfortunately. the time period of prophecy has passed. Therefore, you will have to ask your husband for what you want!

(1)
Betty Moses,
July 24, 2011 8:38 PM

I don't understand why mu husband is very attentive to other people. In fact if he knows someone is allergic t something, he remembers it.If someone likes something in particular , he remembers it.However after i tell him on several occasions what I need. like or dislike, he still forgets.when I remind him ,always gently, his says he is sorry but does not seem to remember it the next time.I fail to understand the reason. I shoud mention, I am NOT DEMANDING at all but do have a few likes and dislikes.

Tracey,
July 25, 2011 8:55 PM

Response to Wife

Humor is not going to help. It's patronizing and diminishes the seriousness of the situation. This woman has a right to ask for what she wants and for her husband to listen seriously. My husband and I were in marital therapy for more years than I would like and my husband admitted that he doesn't pay much attention to anything I say, even when I make a direct request,. He just shrugged his shoulders and said that's because that's the "way he is." Even our therapist gave up on him. I am contemplating divorce after 30 years of marriage because I'm tired of knowing every little thing he wants and needs and giving it to him and not having any of my wants and needs met.

Maria,
July 30, 2011 3:00 PM

What to loose?

Maybe he remembers other people needs because he knows that he will loose something if he forgets but in your case, he is taking you for granted. I know you feel frustrated because is worst than trying to teach a puppy. You say things over and over but is like words disappear in the wind... he will later forget. I'm not saying he does it on purpose, but that is something he should change and improve.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...