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Saturday, March 27, 2010

There are rules. This is not a game. This is the official start of the 2010 "She's on your team" season. First there are a few things that you need to be aware of.

#1 You are playing the game, even though you didn't know it.

#2 There are rules to this game.

#3 Disputing the rules is a valid tactic.

#4 Girls also play this game.

#5 You cannot refuse to play the game once someone makes an assignment.

There's much more to it, and lets get down to the nitty-gritty shall we? First off, we all know that it wouldn't be fair if you could just pick your own team members. Team members must be assigned through another. Otherwise I am sure Todd would be stacking his team with this kind of thing:

And yes, Wal-mart is a really good spot to find that player that you need to fill your team spots. Ladies, no worries, we aren't forgetting about you either:

It's customary that if you have just been assigned an award winning member of the opposite sex to your team to celebrate further by giving them a position assignment. Tall people are great for corners and quarterbacks, while midgets obviously in my case are better assigned as a kicker.

There are further rules that may endager your assignment refusals. For example, if you worked with, frequented a place where said team assignment hangs out, or in some way are related to the assignee, they are by DEFAULT on your team, and the contesting of the assignment is void.

Here are some rules that Shad Staples would usually make clear in any situation.

#1 At no time can you have romantic relations with your team members. They are on your team to play the game, and that is all. (We've run into trouble on this one a few times due to Todd...)

#2 At no time can you refuse a team assignment. The only time this rule may be broken is if you can give adequate pause to the assignee on the reason that you provide. If they hesitate for any considerable amount of time (seconds) you have successfully rebuked the assignment and can assign it right back.

#3 Team members can be assigned if you are absent. All you need is one witness to the assignation of the team member, and provide an accurate description of why they were assigned and it's a valid assignment.

#4 The rules at any time may be modified if the rule you propose is agreed upon by other team members present. These rules do not have a lasting effect, but to the quick witted player it can save you from being assigned a member affectionately nicknamed "The Frump". I had 5 days to find a better team member assignment to another and failed to do so, and thus I am a lifetime owner of "The Frump". Honorable mention of this rule to Boone Braithwaite. Thanks a lot buddy...

Remember that the truly rediculous team assignments that you are given are something to be proud of. Each season I make it a point to make sure that Jason "Jay Jay" Weninger has some absolutely eyeball burning icky poo poo nasty of a team assignment. In each occasion he has accepted the assignment graciously. Mainly for the reason that he is banned from having sex with them.

Now for those of you that think this is just some insensitive way for us to poke fun at anyone that's out of shape, you are wrong. Some of the best assignments are really icky thin people. Let's face it, the world is full of some pretty damn interesting people. Here's a few instances to support me.

So let's get out there and get working on your teams folks! Spring has finally arrived and some of the best assignments are ready to be poached! Good luck to you on this years teams!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I've had a hard time pinning down something to write about lately. Oddly enough this isn't due to the fact that hillarious bullshit hasn't been transpiring, but more to the reason that I haven't wanted to tell certain stories that may or may not contain information incriminating to the nincompoops that I call friends. But it's strange, I keep coming back to those things. So we'll forge ahead, and talk about other things.

It's come to my attention that I'm not the only one out there that is currently trying to sniff out a member of the opposite sex whom doesn't suck so that we can spend time with her and not want to light the crazy raunch on fire or throw her in front of a bus. In some cases I feel truly bad for my friends due to the fact that I occasionally like them a bit more than I even like myself. I also know that I'm sure that if I dated them I'd want to throw them in front of a bus or light them on fire but hey, as long as I don't date my friends we will be ok. I'd much rather commit murder with a stranger than a friend.

There's a fellow I know, and for reasons needed to protect his privacy, well will call him Todd. Oh wait. I did that wrong.

This, is Todd.

Todd isn't Hines Ward. I know you may think he is, but he's from a different racial background. To the inexperienced at sensing such things I will just tell you, he's obviously Canadian.

This is also Todd

.

From this picture it's much easier to tell that he's Canadian, just so we can put that issue to rest. He's tried to pass himself off as other things in the past, but we don't hold these attempts to disguise his heritage against him. For example, here he is in his leisure garb, trying to pass himself off as a Mexican cowboy.

But we all know you're Canadian buddy, no reason to keep up the charade trying to hide your anscestry. Seriously. Just stop.

Moving on, we need to talk about what makes Todd a fine catch so to speak to you members of the smarter sex. Todd has many qualities that raise him at least inches above the competition. Here's a few that don't do that.

And yes, I am sure I had something to do with this. I may have been present, and I may have taken the picture. But the jackassery behind the photo isn't the problem. It's the fact that Todd is a Midnight Panty Bandit with a penchant to wear these panties on his melon (no sniffing). He has tried to convince us all that it's actually a "calling" and that he "needs to free them from captivity". Now yes, that there is a prime example of a wonderful Jaegermeister Panty, this we can all agree on. The fact that he stole it from the drawer of a parapalegic retired conveinience store clerk that he lovingly refers to as "Fran-Fran" really shouldn't worry you too much. He chooses his targets based on their aggressive behaviour and whether or not he could fend them off with his limited martial arts training (Canadians suck at fighting). He has a tendency to go for deaf targets as well as he usually recites his montra of "NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!" while running about in circles like Sancho after a hot bowl of chili.

Todd has a few sketchy details in his past. One is so wonderful that we aren't going to share it here, and he and I will be making THAT blog entry together as a team. It's such a powerful thing that I just don't dare attempt it on my own as the sheer power of it may burn out my keyboard as it is written.

Other details about Todd.

Todd knows Volleyball

Todd knows how to ride on the back of a bike.

Todd knows how to DJ.

Todd knows how to dance.

Todd technically rode a motorcycle (badly) once.

See? (Yay gratuitous asscheek shot!)

Now Todd has a few stories to tell. Some involve the FBI, some involve 100 foot long slip-n-slides. Most involve terrible women. I call them terrible women because frankly, they are and I also am trying to avoid dropping any "F" bombs. Now this isn't Todd's fault. Todd is a great guy. I'd date him, and some would argue that I already do so. What Todd doesn't do is expect the level of batshit crazy that comes his way. I'm already particularly jaded in that department but Todd is an innocent butterfly It's a nice way to go through life, giving others the benefit of the doubt, beleiving that they in fact aren't soulless skanks that are preying on his life energy much akin to a leech in the canal stuck in your super duper private spot. But our hero folks, has a problem. His pecker is broken. Oops, I meant PICKER. Damnit I did it again.

Todd is such a loyal friend that he will stick himself in a bad situation and gut it out so far past whatever would be deemed reasonable that you shake your head in befuddlement. I've seen him take gigantic spoonfuls of shit and go back for fourthsies on a regular basis just trying to do the right thing by someone that didn't deserve the first round in many eyes. What this loyalty gets him is a bad deal. And in his defense, I have seen a few of the girls that Todd has wanted to give it a shot with etc, and he doesn't have bad taste (always). But I tell you..... Sometimes you wonder if he's channeling Marie Curie playing with Radium and heading towards an agonizing death of radiation poisoning.

Bar time with Todd isn't for the faint of heart. I have carefully developed an immunity from many of the things that can infect brains in the presence of Todd at the pub and turn the layman into a babbling useless glob. Many many others do not have this ability and end up drooling off in a corner somewhere alone where Todd will sometimes stop by out of the kindness of his heart, put a spare panty on your head, and run off like an asian (Canadian?) leprechaun giggling softly. We have been boy scouts to the girls, we have been a fearsome threat to few, and we have seen Todd racially profiled by the Idaho Falls City Police. I personally have lost him for up to an hour at a time, but the chances of him simply swapping saliva with a random barchick in the parking lot is usually (read always) a safe bet. On occasion I have even been baffled by his jedi powers and lost him for the evening. Once this included a phone call begging for rescue that I pitifully was asleep for and missed. But after hearing the story of what had transpired I felt pretty bad. I could have stopped it, I could have made a difference. *sigh*

I'm proud to call myself a friend of Todd. Todd has almost as many friends as he has stolen panties. He's just has that quality. No matter how many times Todd makes a mistake with a female, no matter what situation he could use a helping hand, I am glad that I am a person that he could call on for it. Some friends you hang out with, some friends you see occasionally. But sometimes you meet a friend that no matter what stupid ass thing they did, or no matter how crazy the situation is becoming it's always worth it. Whether it's for the story, the experience, or the cringe, he's that guy. Why no woman has made a decent kept house ape of him I have no idea. This guy doesn't cheat on women. This guy doesn't treat women badly. This guy doesn't do any of the shit that so many of you women seem to enjoy lapping up from asshole guys like milk for a kitten. So I might ask you, what the hell is your problem? I for one have considered going gay for him, but we are in agreement that we both just couldn't stomach it in the long run.

Oh and one final reason? You might get lucky enough to meet this little angel if you date the guy.

Love yah man. You are now immortalized on the blog. Hope it did you justice.