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From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1172
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=== 1172 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1172
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 09:21:00 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1172
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1167 72 votes 5fhmd jrf92 8jrc6 5hpeb afpe8 5dqhb 6flhd gicj7 08loj 6lqd6
1167 3.0 mean 3.3 2.3 2.8 3.1 2.9 3.2 3.2 2.8 3.8 2.9
--- 1172-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Highly esteemed Oracle, nothing is of greater significance or
> importance than you!
>
> If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does a banana a
> day do? Or a good pair?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A banana a day drives the women wild, while a good pair will do the
} same for men.
}
} You owe the Oracle less apples, more melons.
--- 1172-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> raclemostwisewhoknowshowtotelekineticallytypemykeyboardseemstohavelostal
> lthekeysbesidestheletterswhatshouldido
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Internet Oracle observes that prices for new keyboards range from
} $45 (deluxe models) to $2 (economy models). But perhaps you've grown
} attached to your keyboard (a la SuperGlue) and would prefer not to
} replace it. In that case you'll have to persue replacement keys. You
} probably already have more than you realize; for instance, check your
} pocket for a home key. You can continue your search outdoors:
}
} * Start by visiting some of the pubs in Cape Kennedy. There you can fix
} your biggest problem: spaces between words. (Get it? "Space Bar"?)
}
} * Watch any politician long enough to catch a speech both before and
} after a public opinion poll has been taken. Be careful, because
} this much shift can give you whiplash.
}
} * Go to your dentist and ask for some of the glue used to keep tooth
} caps in place. I've found Caps Glue to be almost as useful as the
} Caps Lock.
}
} * For a quote, visit your local library. You should find a variety
} of quotes from Mark Twain, Dr. Seuss, Charles Dickens, R. L. Stein,
} Stephen King, and literally dozens of other "famous writers."
}
} * For a question mark, send E-mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the
} subject line "askme." You'll have a question within a few minutes.
} Repeat until you get a question from Mark.
}
} * A sporting goods store can be a fine place to get a slash. You can
} also pick up a supply of bullets; while these don't go directly on
} your keyboard, you're sure to need a supply of them.
}
} * For a colen, visit your local hospital. For a semicolen, look for
} ulcer patients.
}
} And so on. I'm sure you can figure out how to get an Escape key
} (watch a prison movie), an Alt key (San Francisco), etc. Unfortunately,
} the only way to get the F-keys is to visit France. And by the way,
} the French don't know what the F-keys are good for either.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new mouse and mousepad. Damn this thing!
--- 1172-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I hated, *hated*, *HATED*, that answer.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, then you shouldn't have asked who was going to win.
}
} Top 10 Reasons Greg Will Survive
} 10. Show tunes are better than cards on a rainy night
} 9. The love shack method of alliance building
} 8. Able to get outside help on coconut phone
} 7. With Ivy League education can tell the difference
} between a knife and a can opener
} 6. Ability to commune with nature will allow him to
} rally large lizards around him in final immunity
} challenge
} 5. Learned a valuable lesson from Gervase on how to
} get someone else to take the fall for your actions
} 4. Late night study sessions of Machiavelli, Nietzsche
} and Sun Tzu finally pay off
} 3. Complex name will force Susan to vote Rude off the
} island instead of embarrassing herself by mispelling
} Grrag
} 2. Sean's sexual confusion after being hit on by Richard
} will cause him to fixate on Greg
}
} and
}
} 1. Proficiency with short sword and shield will pay off
} in final death match
}
} You owe the Oracle the original 936 hours of footage.
--- 1172-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Alyce M. Wilson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You don't say.
--- 1172-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear omnipetant, all knowing, wise one, I really suck at mathematics,
> but I seriously need to pass a test so I can continue my education,
> I study like a dog, But I still have problems, Do you have any advice
> for me, great illustrious one?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A dog?
}
} The Oracle likes dogs, and cats, yes, yes cat people The Oracle
} likes them too!, but well gentle supplicant you need to start
} thinking more along the lines of studying like a human.
}
} Here look at these examples:
}
} Intro to Astronomy Class midterm approaches:
}
} Dog: howl at moon
} Human: Memorize mnemonics to HR-diagram, learn Kepler's laws,
} know your altazimuth system from your black hole/
} radiation background
} Cat: Stay out all night fighting and mating
}
} Geology test:
}
} Dog: bury odd objects in yard
} Human: stalagTIGHT hangs from ceiling, stalagMIGHT tries with
} all its might to reach ceiling, Tertiary Igneous Activity
} goes with the Central Granite, Mesozoic Sedimentary
} goes with fossils, write compare contrast notes..
} Cat: bury poop
}
} Ancient History final:
}
} Dog: Try and remember what they just ate
} Human: make venns of Carthage & Rome, Assyria and
} Sumeria, Egypt and Greece to start with then
} reshuffle names and start over
} Cat: Never forgive the humans for that time they
} tried to give you a bath
}
} Math quiz: (take heed supplicant!)
}
} Dog: Bark X number of times until told to shut up.
} Human: Please Excuse my dead aunt smelling, be able to
} plot any equation, know your slide rule
} Cat: number of times petted is always x - 1 of
} optimum times
}
} CS 101:
}
} Dog: cock head to one side and look puzzled every time
} your hear the cd-rom drawer open
} Human: write own equivalents of basic UNIX tools
} grep, ls, who in perl, master vi, know
} awk and when to use sed instead
} Cat: jump up and try and lay on keyboard at crucial
} point in Quake 3 team DM losing your master that
} one killer frag that costs his team the level
}
} You owe the Oracle a mongoose. And send me one more mongoose
} while your at it.
--- 1172-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where does my E-mail go before it reaches you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [ The Oracle is on a huge steel catwalk above a crowded factory
} floor, below him countless men and women are scurrying purposefully
} about huge noisy machinery. The Oracle is wearing a yellow hard hat,
} a dark blue jump suit and steel toed boots. He has to yell to be
} heard above the noise of the work that is beneath him. ]
}
} Orrie: This where questions from the queue end up! Below me each
} and every askme, each and every tellme is being pre-sorted by
} machines then hand sorted by trained graduates of P.U.!
} Each message has its wit weighted, mirth measured and glee
} graded along with a precautionary scanning for explosive
} devices, injokes and lice! Here, let me show you something
} we are quite proud of!
}
} [ The Oracle walks over to a huge churning vat of a machine that
} is tended by two grim men and a hippie. ]
}
} Orrie: Ever wonder what happens to the gazillons of ascii char-
} acters in all the headers of all the emails we get here
} each day? Well, few corporations do this, they just throw
} those ascii characters into /dev/null thinking nothing of
} it! Not so here! We are proud to say we recycle all those
} ascii characters making useful drop shadows for web pages
} through out this fine `Net of ours!
}
} [ The Oracle nods at the two men and gives a thumbs up to the
} hippie who flashes the Oracle a peace sign. ]
}
} Oracle: Oh sure it's a lot of work. But damn it, We Care About
} the Internet!
}
} [ The factory suddenly falls silent. The workers all look up at
} the Oracle and start humming softly.]
}
} Oracle: It's only when we all work together that we can make the
} Web a place we'll be proud to leave to somebody else's
} children.
}
} [ A skylight above the Oracle opens and sunlight bursts in as
} a flock of doves and more than a few rather ratty looking
} seagulls fly up and out of the factory into the blue sky above.
} The workers all burst into song! ]
}
} All: We are the Internet!
} We work for Orrie!
} And we're making this a better `Net for you to play in!
}
} [ Camera pulls away rapidly to show the entire world! ]
}
} Oracle: The Internet Oracle is proud to be a Netizen.
} And we couldn't have done it without you.
} Good Night Austin Texas wherever you are!
--- 1172-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What newspaper headlines would cause the most panic in the world's
> population?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Top Ten Newspaper Headlines That Would Cause The Greatest Panic The
} World Has Ever Known
}
} 10. Giant squid buys CBS network for undisclosed figure; changes format
} to 24-7 Kathy Lee G.
}
} 9. National Enquirer reporters discovered to be bizarre aliens from
} the planet Grygglspx.
}
} 8. As If.
}
} 7. Exciting New Cure For Rectal Cancer: Live Gerbils!
}
} 6. Madonna Discovered To Be Source Of Mysterious New Strain Of Herpes.
}
} 5. Genetically altered vegetables now capable of rudimentary speech.
}
} 4. George W. Bush Re-elected for record fourth term.
}
} 3. Happy Fun Meteor Streaking Toward Earth Ball (translated from the
} original Japanese).
}
} 2. New advances in biotechnology allow anyone to look like comedian
} Carrottop.
}
} 1. J. K. Rowling's 87th Harry Potter book due in stores by September:
} "Harry Potter and the Ponderous Pedophiliac."
--- 1172-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Mike Nolan
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most wise of all entities.
> This morning I found a vial of liquid. While I was careful not to
> ingest any, I did open the vial and take a whiff. It was farmquot
> flatsgnarl fremington fwentest facetly fwez. Fwint furder fopplenent
> fontergen fwepple?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Welcome to the new Microsoft Poison Control Center. Your satisfaction
} is very important to us, so your call may be monitored by a member of
} our management who has better things to do with his time than listen in
} on support calls, but he's salaried and really doesn't give a flying
} squid.
}
} "If you know the five-digit poison code of the poison you've ingested,
} press '1.' If you're not sure which five-digit poison code I'm talking
} about, press '2' for a 25-minute recording detailing the location of
} the poison code, the URL of the website explaining what store locations
} will provide you with a handy 78-page pamphlet containing most of the
} five-digit poison codes, and a short history of poison codes in
} general. If you think you've already expired, press '3.' If you enjoy
} pressing telephone buttons, press '4' repeatedly. To find out what the
} cafeteria at the Redmond campus is serving today, press '5.' Herpes
} sufferers may experience side effects from the use of the Microsoft
} Poison Control Center. If you think this may be the case, press '6' and
} you will be transferred to a herpes-compliant messaging system. Do you
} feel lucky, punk? Well, do you? Then, press '7.' At any time during
} this session, press '9' to hear this menu repeat, not that you'd want
} to or anything. Pressing '0' will not connect you to an operator.
} Cutbacks, you know."
}
} <1>
}
} "Please enter your five-digit poison code now."
}
} <72530>
}
} "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again."
}
} <90120>
}
} "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again."
}
}
}
} "That five-digit poison code is not in our database. Please try again."
}
} <26719>
}
} "That five-digit poison code is in our database, but we don't think
} there's anything you'll be able to do to correct the problem. You may
} try rebooting your telephone and trying this call again."
}
} <8>
}
} "Did you see an '8' anywhere on the menu? Just for that, I'll repeat it
} for you. Geez, you stupid phone users. Ahem. If you know the five-digit
} poison code of the poison you've ingested, press '1.' If you're not
} sure which five-digit poison code I'm talking about, press '2' for a
} 25-minu..."
}
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a little 38202 to make this all go away.
--- 1172-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle most clear of water,
> have you ever seen the rain?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I bet you wanna know, don't you O fortunate son?
}
} I was born on the bayou where it used to rain a great deal. As I grew
} older, I hung out down on the corner where my travelling band played.
} When it rained, my friends would stay and listen to us play. Even when
} a bad moon was rising, Proud Mary, Susie Q... They all saw the rain....
} In fact, one time they said to me, "Hey tonight, let's cause a
} commotion and go see the rain down on Green River!". As we were going
} there, I looked out my back door and realized we'd have to run through
} the jungle as long as I could see the light. Not a good idea.
}
} Anyway, to answer your question... It doesn't matter whether or not
} I've seen the rain. What you really need to ask is, "Who'll stop the
} rain?"
}
} You owe the Oracle the definition of a Lodi.
--- 1172-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Get Yahoo! Mail M-q Free email you can access from anywhere!
> http://mail.yahoo.com/
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You realize, of course, that when you allow your webmail sig to do your
} talking for you, you're bound to get yourself into a whole mess of
} trouble. As a helpful caveat, I'd like to share a few examples I've
} come across in my many years answering questions for the masses.
} -=====-
}
} Subject: Answer #Qg12345, the Oracle politely requests an answer to
} associate with this well-thought-out question.
} Date: Wed, 11 Sep 1969 19:12:32 -0500 (EST)
} From: The Internet Oracle
}
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > Oh, man, I just took some blue pills and now I'm coughing
} > up blood. What should I do?!
} >
} > __________________________________________________
} > Do You Narc on your fellow hippies, man?
} > Get PigMail M-q Free email you can rat out your high school
} > classmates with! http://www.pigmail.com/
} -=====-
}
} Subject: Answer #Qu20i4c, the Oracle wants an answer to this
} question. Now!
} Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1978 01:21:01 -0500 (EST)
} From: The Internet Oracle
}
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > I've been beating the hell out of my submissive for hours
} > now, and he keeps saying the word "fluffybuns" in a strained
} > manner. Was this our safe word?
} >
} > __________________________________________________
} > Do You Want To Buy A Duck?
} > Get CowMail M-q Free email you can impress your nearest
} > neighbor, three miles away, with. http://www.cowmail.com/
} -=====-
}
} Subject: Answer #QQQQqQQ, the Oracle would be down with an
} answer to get jiggy with this question.
} Date: Sat, 2 May 1988 08:26:09 -0500 (EST)
} From: The Internet Oracle
}
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > My giant squid's got herpes.
} >
} > Is there a cure?
} >
} > __________________________________________________
} > Do You Believe This Guy? What A Maroon!
} > Get SarcastiMail M-q Free email with an edge.
} > http://www.sarcastimail.com/biteme
}
} You owe the Oracle a clever parody of "Match Game PM."