Month: January 2017

So my therapist says instead of focusing on NOT doing self harm, I should focus entirely on something different. Which totally reminded me of the “don’t think of a purple lamp” test that immediately makes you think of a purple lamp. So I decided my therapist was probably right (something I should probably assume more often).

By the way, is anyone else’s purple lamp a lava lamp? Mine is totally a purple lava lamp! And now I want a purple lava lamp…

Anyhoo, I had a stressful morning after yesterday’s stressful day, and it turned into a huge adrenaline rush that first made me really productive, then really cranky, and finally extremely panicked. By the time I got home I went into full panic attack and all I wanted was to release the energy that was trapped in my arms.

I took my therapists advice and turned on one of my favorite guided meditations, “Surrender to the silence within” (you can find it on the insight timer app if you’re curious). And holy crap I feel so much better! What was also cool was that my husband joined me. He hasn’t really gotten into meditation but thinks it’s cool in general, so he snuck in the room and sat with me through the meditation.

So I will certainly continue this focus technique on my journey towards better stability. And maybe I’ll get a lava lamp too. Purple of course.

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One of the symptoms of BPD (and I assume many other mental disorders) is a fluctuating sense of self. I’m in a current cycle of feeling like a complete and utter failure. It is affecting my work though I’m trying hard to hide it. I just opened a couple new positions on my team and need to hire employees. This is a difficult decision on its own for any manager. Throw in low self esteem with complete belief that I did and will fail everything in life, and hiring just became impossible.

For example, I interviewed a gentleman with more than enough experience, looking for the pay range we’re offering, eager to work for our company long term. Sounds perfect right? My boss is on board with hiring him but ultimately it is my decision.

I’m FREAKING OUT! I’m basically convinced there must be something wrong with this candidate because, well, he’s my choice and I’m a failure. So I was supposed to make a decision today and asked my boss if I could sleep on it. He said yes but to let him know first thing in the morning if I will be offering the job.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off all emotion for a while. Well, technically I can, it’s called dissociation. But that usually leaves me in bed for a couple days. I need emotionless and energy. And confidence. And assurance that this is a good decision while I’m wishing things.

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith no matter how your brain is being stupid. I can’t stop work from going on, so I will push through as though my brain and emotions are fine. Hopefully I’ll wake up with enough time to meditate in the morning. Should calm my brain a bit.

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If we were having coffee it would be BYOB today, bring your own book. I’ve decided to escape reality in a healthy manner today and so will be reading a lot. I’m currently reading hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, and re-reading Alice through the looking glass. What book will you be bringing today?

If we were having coffee we would hide in the corner, drink hot coffee to warm us up and share our favorite parts of the books. Let me know what book you recommend and why. Let me know what that favorite part is. I’m at the part of Hitchhikers Guide that describes the President of the Galactic Emprire and am highly amused, so far that’s my favorite part today.

I cannot exsist in the world today, I’m sorry. But I hope you don’t mind joining me in my literary reality.

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I am a very vivid dreamer. Essentially I live every day twice, once awake, and once asleep. I was working towards lucid dreaming until I went on a new anti-anxiety that blurs my dreams. Blurs just enough that I can’t focus enough to become lucid, but not enough to make them less vivid.

Last night my dreams turned to lucid nightmares as they occasionally do. And I woke up utterly exhausted and upset. I also have had a terrible and stressful week at work. I spent all morning in tears yelling “I can’t do this anymore!” And then put on enough makeup to hide and went to work.

I am taking a break right now, and listening to some theta waves to calm me. But I’m still struggling to shake it off. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want to pretend the world doesn’t exist outside my bed. I want to cry until I have no tears left. But my employees are counting on me, my boss needs me. So I will fight through. I will hide in bathrooms and conference rooms and supply closets as often as possible and I will get through. I hope.

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It seems like people always want to know what their purpose is. Or the *big* question, what’s the meaning of life? To be honest I see these as essentially the same question. Humans are selfish creatures (that’s how we survive as infants, it’s kinda an evolutionarily necessary trait… I don’t think “evolutionarily” is a word, but it’s fun to say nonetheless). ANYHOO, when asking the meaning of life, aren’t we essentially trying to find out how we fit into that? So aren’t we still basically asking what’s my purpose?

Maybe I’m wrong, but if so, it’s probably because I don’t want the answer to either question. I don’t want to know my purpose because honestly it scares me what that answer may be.

You know when you’re stuck dealing with someone you don’t get along with? And then some nice person chears you up and says “they’re in your life for a reason”, because aparently you’re supposed to learn how to show love in spite of whatever bullshit the persons doing, or patience in dealing with that kind of idiot. In the words of Galinda “Well, these things are meant to try us” 🎶

At the age of 13 when I first started to really struggle with mental illness, one of the lies (I hope it’s a lie at least) that my brain told me is that I’m that person sent to be your trial. I grew up in a very religious home and was taught that I had a purpose, that God would use me to do great things in this world. And my depression and anxiety said “well shit! God has to have some stupid people to make his best people better. That must be me!”

I never told my parents that, or anyone actually. I just shut up and tried to be a decent person. But I still hold this inside. Even now on a rocky journey of finding my own beliefs, even as I wonder at religion and spirituality, even as I study different beliefs to gain better understanding of others. I will not seek out the meaning in life. I will not look for purpose. Because in my mind, how could I have been put on this earth with this screwed up brain for any reason other than to make others better for having to had to deal with me.

So I don’t ask, I won’t. What I will do is make my own decision every morning to try and make this world a little better. I will try to do something nice each day. Maybe my purpose is to screw with others, but if so then let me be a rebel. I do what I want, and I want to be nice to people. So fuck purpose and hug people, that’s what I say!

Here’s one of my favorite songs for when I’m trying to not find purpose, and trying to not feel alone.

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My husband made a good point yesterday when he told me that we need simply to distract President Trump (oh that hurts to say) with shiny things in front of his face before he notices the real things he’s actually going to screw up.

Think about it, the dude gets pissy at tweets, pictures, and tv shows. So let’s stop him from ruining our country by finding the little shiny tweets, pictures, and tv shows that keep his little mind busy.

Think we can keep him distracted for 4 years? I’m up for the challenge.

Step one, follow @halfonioninabag on twitter. Effing Brilliant!

Step two, tweet him pictures of shiny things like this…

And this…

And my personal favorite…

Don’t have Twitter? Join in by watching every show he hates to boost ratings! Come on y’all, we can do this.

Feel free to add your own shiny ideas! Tweet your shiny ideas out for the world to see! #distracttrump

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I have studied the points of the Women’s March and 100% believe in this cause. What I love beyond all else is the inclusivity of it. The aim is for equality of ALL PEOPLE. And I adore you for that.

I cannot be there with you, and for that I am sorry. But I support this cause every day as I know you all do too. I am a manager in a large corporation, and am very close to finishing a business degree. I fight for my rights as a woman, and as a person with mental illness. I fight for equality of others even if I do not have the privilege of being of the same race, religion, gender, or orientation. I love you all and support equality for all.

Thank you for marching. Thank you for fighting for our rights every day. Thank you for those who cannot be there but continue to support the cause in anyway they can. I wish you all the best, and many cups of warm coffee on your cold march.

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I’m being bitchy. Like for 2 days now. So hubby bought me spiced rum, and then during the days has been randomly handing me cups of coffee. He knows me so well!

Anyhoo, I shouldn’t be PMSing, and stressers aren’t different then usual so I’m inclined to blame the meds. They always have a short period of time of feeling stable followed by some extreme emotion that lasts for a thousand years.

I want to march into the psychs office, throw my pill bottles and scream “FUCK THIS SHIT! I’M DONE WITH MEDS!” But that’s probably not a good idea. So I’m knitting.

How are you doing? Feel free to take a moment to comment on how you’re doing. Maybe it’s great and we can totally celebrate with you. Maybe life sucks and we can electronically hug you. Maybe it’s just whatever and you feel like saying hi. Whatever the case, it’s nice to know people exists out there and have days and moods of all types.

PS: how adorable is this little smiley toe? (It’s not mine. I found it online)

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As my kids rejoice at having a 3 day weekend, I asked if they know why. “It’s Martin Luther King’s birthday!” explained my 7 year old. He proceeded to explain that Martin Luther King had a dream that he told people about, and that he lead a march. He understood this was history and that it was somehow important, but you could tell it didn’t quite click. So I thought I’d take this chance to teach my kids about prejudice and about fighting it.

I reminded them that me and daddy have different colors of skin. If we were living during that time, daddy would have had to use different water fountains and restrooms, he would have lived in different neighborhoods with less resources. I explained that we couldn’t have been married, or that if we had, people would hate us, yell at us, hurt us. I reminded my sons of the voting ballet I recently reviewed with them and explained that people with darker skin wouldn’t have been able to vote, or if the did it would count for less.

I could see it starting to sink in what people faced in those times and I pulled up images of the riots. I said “this is how some people tried to fight. There was violence, guns, things got broken, people were hurt, some people died. That is not what made the change” I then pulled up images of the march “this is what Martin Luther King did to fight. This is what made a change and what we celebrate. They are standing there peacefully. This is how we make changes.”

I then pointed out one more thing in the images “look at the white people in the march. They had the rights that black people did not, but they stood with them because they believed in equality. We should always stand for equality even if we are not the ones being treated bad.”

I explained that there is still prejudice now. That up until last year gay people couldn’t get married, and that they should have the same right to get married that me and daddy do. I explained that a there were times in other places that Christians weren’t allowed to go to church and pray, that Grandma and Grandpa would have had to pray in secret. And that we face that here now with Muslims who are feared so treated badly.

My son asked me why muslims would be treated bad when they are so nice. So we discussed that in every group some people are not nice, and that causes fear. Fear is causing people to not see how nice most of the muslims are.

It is hard to know that we still have to fight for equality. That Martin Luther King Jr’s fight is not done, his dream is not yet fully realized. But it is beautiful to see that my sons so fully believe that all should be treated equally and that the majority of people are nice. Perhaps it is through us teaching our children that each generation makes progress. My family with stand peacefully for equality, and I can’t wait to see the progress that I am believing for.