Durotar: Well, this does seem to be a popular question. We've delivered all manner of interesting things, as you can imagine. The ones that stand out are the ones where you can feel something moving inside. Best not to ask questions about what might be in there. Especially when you are delivering it to Kitchen staff.

Kur'nak: Ha! Things moving inside packages is hardly the weirdest. You know the Sunflower's subscriptions are weirder than that, and the things that Mary Sue Experiments and Research get...you know, the ones that sometimes leak through the box and smell like a child's perfume?...those are weird. I still say that last one was an arm. "Delicate Scientific Equipment" my ass.

Durotar: Do you remember when we had to haul that giant box down to DoSAT?

Kur'nak: The one that barely fit in the hallways and around corners? Yeah, I remember it. Did we ever find out what was in that?

Durotar: I heard it from one of the techs. It was two AA batteries packaged in nearly a mile of bubble wrap. That was the least stressed-out tech I've ever seen, by the way.

Taking questions for Agents Peregrin (an ex-millenarian avout from the Anathem verse) and Taq (a recently recruited orc, probably Tolkienverse), DMS, as well as Agent/Technician Tomash (who's mostly around DoSAT these days, even though his transfer paperwork is in limbo somewhere).

It is, after all, not widely known, which does have a few benefits in our line of work.

Now, on to the actual question. About two and a half thousand years ago, from my perspective, there were several global catastrophes caused by various forms of advanced technology. As a result, an ancient tradition of mathematicians and theoretical scientists living in isolated communities called maths was ... well, the only thing we know conclusively is that it was revived, but, at the risk of starting an argument, I will say that it was forcibly reimposed. The avout, such as myself, who reside in these maths are sworn to follow the Discipline for some number of years. In the case of the millenarians, or Thousanders, the term is, rather unsurprisingly, a thousand years.

As far as I am concerned, the main drawback of the long term is that it is rather difficult to communicate results. However, to compensate, there were a few quite useful research programs we probably only managed to complete because no one could spread Sack-triggering rumors about them until after we were done.

I'm gettin' on with men fine. Sure, some of 'em don' like me, but 's not like everyone back home liked me either. Helps we're on the same side, an' that I'm not lookin' to get tribute outta 'em, I think.

The elves, though. They'll say hello and all, but they're always lookin' at me like I'm about to take their heads off. Can't blame 'em for bein' worried, since we've been fightin' over something for a long time. Sure am glad they ain't tried to start anything with me first, too.

I mean, I don't really have a lot of chances to train Mareep, but it'd be nice to have the Mega Stone for the future, you know? (I have no idea what you're talking about with that fourth-wall question, so I'll just ignore it.)

Is it true you are a pony? What tribe are you from? What is you Cutie Mark? What is your special talent? Does it disappear if you shave your flank? How does feel to walk on your nails? Can I brush your mane? Can I brush your mane and tail!? Can I―

(Gets removed from console)

This is FicPsych Nurse Corinna Chan speaking. Agent Seeker, I so sorry for my adoptive daughter's pestering, she has just recently starting watching Friendship is Magic, and has become... extremely enthusiastic about it. It has made wonders for her mental state, yes, but once she discovered there were pony Agents, it has gone... slightly out of control. In fact, I have received a formal complaint from Agent Printworthy once because of that.

I prefer to do my own grooming, but I'm glad you want to pamper me a little, Sashisaka. My cutie mark--a quarter note in a speech bubble--represents my love of reading and musical talent. Specifically, I can make magical stuff happen when I sing, and I feel like I should be able to play piano as well. I don't know how to attach pictures to this, so yes, it's true that I'm a unicorn pony.

No, I will never find a--tribble that I like. Or even one that I tolerate. I would not like one in a house--ugh--and I would not like it with a mouse. I would not like it if it brayed, I would not like it if it was spayed. I hope this makes things clear.

The Time Lord Inglorious, the Lonely Sod, known to the Daleks as the Oncoming Form.

Wobbles the Clown

The happiest, luckiest, and somehow also goest of happy-go-lucky children's party entertainers.

Algernon, 7th Earl Wymbourne

A man of decency, breeding, good character, and a tolerable skill as a practical magician.

Field Commander Lola McCandless

A woman of considerably less breeding, a complete lack of decency, and a tolerable skill as the commander of a ragtag organization devoted to shooting horrible gribbly space things.

Doktor Trollenfisch

The Department of WhatThe's resident neon-pink pufferfish with a German accent and a love of the sousaphone Biggenbrassenparpenthingen.

Gabrielle

An adorable and engaging little ball of cute with a dark past full of trauma and sadness; can you tell she was originally one of Ix's characters yet?

((One rule before we begin: I really must insist that messaging parties do not inform the Notary of Lola's existence within the PPC, and vice versa. There will be a story in which they meet; this ain't it. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but it does get irritating.))

"The Commander and myself have primarily been working with teams sent to obscure fandoms whose power levels are rather more dangerous than initially surmised. Beyond that, I am given to understand that the Commander has been working closely with certain of FicPsych to set up a dedicated outreach-cum-demobilization program for refugee bits and OCs from militarily-inflected badfic worlds, a duty that hitherto has been left to more general practitioners of psychological medicine. For my part, my time has been taken up by building scouting reports for the Department of Intelligence in certain magic-rich continua; English magic is of a certain utility in such travails, being near-on undetectable, though limited in other means. When we have the leisure for it, the Commander and I often dabble in the other's interests: I am now a quite acceptable shot with small arms of various calibre and continuum, if I do say so myself, whilst the Commander's truly agile mind makes her a formidable theoretical magician and scholar of English magic. Her efforts to engage in practical magic are, for reasons I begin to hypothesize are related to her total lack of psionic capabilities and even Force presence, sadly unfruitful thus far; however, hope is the thing with feathers, as the poetess Dickinson put it. I trust this is a full and suitable answer for your needs."

Gabrielle: "Uh, is the Fourth Wall a rising tide of the absence of things that isn't even black because black is a colour and a concept and it's slowly dissolving everything around you and also it hurts? Because if so, uh, I totally have! Yay!"

My skin's drained of all colour, and the inside of my mouth looks like I've been chewin' on charchoal... Gotta thank daddy dearest for that. But would I change those, if I had the chance? I think not. If I feel uncomfortable, a very light glamour fixes everything. With bigger marks, like tails or wings, it'd be more difficult to hold the spell.

I've been dying to meet you two! Well, okay, not literally, because that wouldn't have worked very well. I think. Would that have worked? Huh. Now I really want to know that, too.

But the question I would have asked originally! Rather, questions. I'm a little nosy. Sorry about that, you don't absolutely haaaaave to answer all of them if you're made a little uncomfortable. After all, it's not like you know me or anything!

One, what mission of yours was your favorite? Two, which mission was your least favorite? Three, for those times when you can't seem to get along and you're not on a mission, what do the two of you do? Four, what do you do when you can't get along and you are on a mission? Five, I've noticed you seem to spend a lot of time doing missions in the Harry Potter world - d'you know why?

I'll probably send more questions later, but I can't think of more now. (I would like an answer on the death thing though.) Cheers until then!

In terms of dyin', I can't say I'm the expert... Y'know, bein' immortal and all that jazz, but if you want, luv, I'd be mighty glad to test some theories about...

Ekhm...

Ah, right... Back to the questions, then. Actually, that's a good one. I guess we do get along, don't we?

I suppose. You're not bad, even if a little too serious sometimes. And really should tone down the whole warlock spiel. It might've worked in your world, but there are people here that can out-magic you with ease... ;)

...Right. What's next... Hmm... Do we even have a favourite mission?

I don't think so. I mean, helping out Ami was fun...

Was not. I was a bloody hobbit!

...Then again, we're not one of those teams that look forward to missions, and are only counting down to the next moment they can assassinate someone. As for the least favourite... Hmm... Angel-Sue?

Angel-bloody-Sue... That's atrocity was an absolute horror. Remember, it had Dobby with a bloody rocket launcher.

So... Yeah, not much we can really say. We're a pretty lazy team, not many missions on our back. Honestly, don't even know why anyone would like to meet us, do you, Will?

You stand before a mailbox. Or at least, you think it's a mailbox - it has "MAILBOX" on it, obviously printed out and pasted on. The following names are written in varying scripts:

Chikara Steele,
Lu'ci'ten Gyrvain,
Calliope Istoría

The first one has marks over it, as though someone has tried to scribble it out; the last one looks far more recent. You wonder what happened, or if the scribbled-out person would get any letters deposited.

You shrug and drop in your letter(s) regardless of scribbling or lack thereof.

She does not know these people, but feels she can understand the scribbling over the first name--having kept up with the Das Sporking community, she knows the unfortunate associations one might have recently with the surname 'Steele'. Well, that and there are many grumpy agents in HQ--one wishing to have nothing to do with the Mailbox service is hardly unusual. At least one Time Lord comes to mind.

Still. She has been an agent for over a decade now, and, she tells herself, she is nothing but welcoming of new agents. After all, she used to be one herself. Right?

She scrawls out a note in her loopy handwriting, folding it into a simple hat and addressing it on the brim before dropping it into the clearly labeled mailbox.

There. Welcome complete.

She turns to go.

When opened, the message (addressed to all three names, or rather, to CS, LG, & CI as the brim was a little hard to write on) reads:

Hello, all three of you! I don't know you, so I assume at least one of you is new. Or new-ish. But welcome either way. Who are you all? What are your favorite things to drink? What department(s) are you in? Have you ever run into the Sunflower's Witness? I did that some years ago, and it was...

Hi! My name is Calliope - I'm the new one. Lu (she's my partner) said that I was in charge of writing a response to this. I don't know why, I'm the one least able to answer your questions! But I'll do it as best I can.

Lu and I are in the Department of Floaters. As best as I've been able to piece the story together, Steele was Lu's last partner and they had a bit of a falling-out; I do know she was transferred to the Department of Bad Slash, and Lu says that's where she belongs. I get the feeling Lu doesn't like Steele very much, so I don't know how accurate the idea that she belongs there is.

My favorite drink is something I like to make every now and again - it's a mixture of apple juice and vanilla ice cream. It's super sweet and so incredibly good! Drop by sometime and I'll make it for you, I think I've finally got the recipe down. But when I can't have that, I usually drink whatever's in the fridge and looks good to me. Lu... I think she likes root beer. Or at least that's what I see her drinking. She doesn't really like to answer my questions about things, and she really doesn't see the need for me to know her favorite drink of all things.

As for the Sunflower's Witness, I had a strange dream a while back. Something about someone trying to kill someone the SW was protecting? It was a little strange and I forgot to write it down. I think Lu might have met the SW before I came here, but - well, like I said, she's not big on sharing.

It was super nice to hear from you, Dawn! Drop another hat in if you have more questions. Who knows, maybe Lu could answer them next time!

Last second amendment!: I will not be answering questions involving the story of my DIC Agents from June 1st 2016 onwards, I do have two pending Missions that happen before this date, and a recollection of ficlets, all of which have yet to be published.

It's been a while since I read anything with you in it, when do you think your next mission report's gonna get declassified? I like the dynamic you and Solvig have going on.

Also, I really hate to open this can of worms, but now that I know you're from the comics canon rather than the movies, I have to ask: What do you think about a recent infamous reveal concerning Steve Rogers? I think it's all a pile of shit and never should have happened in any capacity.

At least until we sort out the June 1st, 2016's debacle. That whole issue is keeping us busy, and we won't reveal the happenings until we are ready to do so.

(OOC: That means, no, I don't know when I'm releasing the next mission. And I mentioned I won't answer questions affecting the story of the DIC team, that happens after June 1st, 2016, that includes events happening in their home continuum.)

I still need to find the way to make her stop biting people I want to be quiet, though... Now that think about it, that one might be my fault, due to my lack of patience...

I donj't hang out with Alex Dives that much, now you're touching the subject, we work in different areas from the Department. I'm from Testing and Applications, as head (and only Technician) of the Danger Room Project, he works lending equipment, last time I checked.

I mean, things won't just fry because I'm looking at them, unless we're talking about real high tech, so I can buy groceries for instance but... Cell phones and credit cards, for instance, can go kaput in a matter of days, so as you can imagine, no using them. Computers can be forgotten too. And be damn careful when you go to the hospitals. Don't want to kill these patients needing life support, eh? And of course, that means things like X-Rays are way harder to use on you. Also, planes. No. just... No.

Heck, we got to aim or the older tech things, or the ones known for reliability if we want something not breaking up too much. Like Dresen's Beetle, for instance. Or use circles to try to keep magic energy away from them. Not that's always making lots of good, since we generaly have to ward our homes, and that always keep some magic inside.

And I'm supposed to have it relatively easy, since the hexing effect is lessened by how familiar you are with the technology. Better control of the magic helps too, but you needs being far more experienced than me, someone who was freshly out of apprenticeship. But... that's pretty much the point. Having magic is supposed to make you some sort of outsider for the rest of the society. From what I know, back in the past that was the disturbing look, souring milk of the neighbours, all these little things which indicated you had someone using magic around. Today, it's technology age. So that's the new thing. I wonder if I'll live old enough to see how magic will screw us up later, or if this techbane aspect will stick.

I mean, I don't know any woman here in HQ I could date. Or at least, I'd know well enough to try (except Marina, and her answer comes next). I guess you would prefer if I named a specific person, but I don't think I can name someone out of the blue like this.

As for Marina, well she said she's not really interested in any sort of dating for now, despite all the teasing Agent Grey does, and talks having more than enough time to decide someday anyways (no, I'm not writing your entre tirade about Agent Grey).

To Micheal, how in the world - or worlds, depending on the continuum - do you deal with a partner who can't seem to avoid getting himself killed? A partner who won't - or, to his credit, perhaps can't (medical issues are a possibility, I've met a few with them) - stay focused on what he really ought to be doing, for that matter. And how do those glasses of yours work?

To Apecian, how does that regeneration power of yours work? Has your answer to "Favorite Death" changed since the last time the question was asked?

To the both of you, are there any patterns in your work? Who generally takes care of charges and who generally takes care of assassination? Which continuums do you get sent to most often? Which continuums do you prefer to get sent to?

Michael: On the first question, it was rather unsettling the first few times he died, but he has become more skilled at avoiding death, whatever he may claim, and I have become somewhat adjusted to it. I cannot say it doesn't disturb me to some degree, but that degree has gradually lessened over the course of our association.

On the second, he can focus. However, unless it interests him, he usually chooses not to. Therefore, I endeavor to make our missions as interesting as possible, and, when that fails... I endure.

My glasses, at the most basic level, alter the information entering or exiting my eyes. For example, my Tracker's Lenses highlight the point at which the soul and the sole of the person I am tracking met the surface they were walking upon, assuming they were walking. There are, of course, other means of transportation. Unfortunately, when someone takes them, it has a tendency to give one a headache. I do not recommend trying to track someone who has decided to go for a swim in the ocean.

Apecian: Well, basically, I've got a store of soul energy stored in my Philosopher's Stone. Not how Philosopher's Stones are supposed to work, but the idiot who made me didn't know that, and that's one glitter side-effect I don't want fixed. But, anyways, that energy is used to heal me whenever I get injured. As for favorite death? Nah, that one still rules. Seriously, it was awesome.

Michael: I have not noticed any patterns in the kind of work we receive, no.

Apecian: Unless you call the lack of pattern a pattern, in which case, yeah. Also, we usually don't ever get the same kind of thing over and over and over again. The one time we got stuck in a fandom for about a dozen missions, first it was a Sue, then it was Bad Slash, then Bad Slash again, then a Crossover, then a Troll, then Bad Angst, then a Sue again, and, well, you get the idea. Usually, I'm the one who kills the Sue, or whatever we're going for at the time, since if I mess up or she pulls a random power out of her purse, I'll be fine. Mike? Not so much. So he stands back and takes and reads the charges. Most of the time.

Michael: I am not sure if there is anywhere in particular that we are sent particularly often. We have a tendency to visit relatively obscure fandoms more often than those that are more popular. I would suspect this is because the Flowers have many Agents who can work in Harry Potter, but they have fewer Agents who can work in Angel Beats!.

Apecian: I'm not sure I've really got a favorite? I mean, it's great to see home sometimes, but other than that, I don't really have a preference, and besides, if I had to do one place over and over again, I'd get bored.

Michael: I have a few continua I enjoy visiting, but that does not generally affect where we go.

Apecian: Oh, come on, Mike! Don't dodge the question.

Michael: Very well. I do have a general preference for Puella Magi Madoka Magica, and I also enjoy visiting the world of Tortall.

((I should note that what Michael says about Lenses is part canon, part not. The bit about it altering the information entering and exiting the eye is canon. The bit about exactly how the Tracker's Lenses is something I made up and I hope sounds plausible.))

I guess I could, but I think I'd have to disguise away my Stone completely to let that happen, and then stay there for... well, however much I wanted to age, I guess? But, yeah, not really worth it to find out, especially since I'm not as good as you guys are at not dying, and I'd probably just reset as soon as I got back to HQ and the disguise dropped.

Ilraen: This would not be an easy question for most Andalites, I think, but it is for me: I would choose my human form. I spend half my time that way, if not more, as it is. The adjustment would not be too difficult. I would miss my natural body, of course, especially the ability to run with Alice and my other friends in the Courtyard . . . and I can just imagine what Farilan would say . . . but, well, it is only a hypothetical question.

The tastiest thing . . . there was chocolate-covered ham at a Christmas party once. I think that is the most sensational combination of flavors I have yet discovered. Salty and sweet, smoky and a little bitter . . . yes, that was very good.

Alex: No, but if I had, I'm afraid they would be useless. You'd have to figure out which lottery they applied to, in what universe, and whether it's in my future, or yours, or someone else's . . . Precognition is really a useless talent in a place where time is in business for itself.

I'm very sorry to bother you like this, but one of the nurses in Medical mentioned your name and I hoped maybe by looking you up you could help me with something.

Gosh, I've rewritten this so many times now and can't ever seem to find the right words for what I want to ask, so I'm just going to be upfront with you. And, well, if it's not too much to ask, I'd appreciate you not spreading this around.

I've got scars on my face too, and I was just... wondering if you maybe had any advice on how to deal with that? People try not to stare but I see them looking when they think I'm not, and it makes me really uncomfortable.

That is a difficult question. I hope I can help you with it, if only in some small way.

People stare at me, too, though in my case it is often less about the scars themselves and more about the character they make me resemble. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me. There's no shame in bearing a superficial likeness to another person—and there's no shame in scars, either. However you got them, they prove you were strong enough, or at least lucky enough, to survive it. (For me it was the latter. I was young and reckless, and I could just as easily have paid for it with my life or that of my dragon.)

However, some days I would rather not be gaped at. On those days, I find a big, horrible grin to be quite effective at getting rid of people. Or, if I'm in a particularly foul mood, I stare back at them. If you don't know, I am blind in one eye, which makes my stare especially disconcerting. Most people give up and slink away pretty quickly.

You might also try simply answering the question they are too embarrassed to ask and tell them how you got the scars, as belligerently (or not) as you please. I have to start with "No, I'm not who you think I am," but regardless, after they quit stammering useless protests, the conversation tends to be painless and mercifully brief.

Of course, there is always the option of wearing a mask, but that's not for me, and I wouldn't recommend it. We are privileged to be in a position to demand that our fellow agents either take us as we are or go hang. Keep your chin up, and remember that no matter how much people look at your face, only you can let them get under your skin.

Ix, please write to me whenever you like. Corresponding with you is no bother at all.

The last Star Trek prequel series was Enterprise, and we all know how THAT turned out. Additionally, one of the guys at the helm is the same guy responsible for the travesties of Into Darkness and Beyond. The whole thing is going through production hell, and frankly, none of it may matter, because the only way to even watch the show is on CBS All Access. Restricting your viewership is always a stupid idea, whether it's through awful and inconsistent time slots or through insisting that people have to be members of your private club to watch. (It's going to be pirated anyway, including by people who wouldn't normally stoop to that, simply out of frustration. Game of Thrones proved this.) The whole thing sounds like a recipe for crash and burn.

That said . . . the premise is interesting. From their vague hints, it looks like we may be exploring the Treaty of Armens, in which the Federation signed over several planets to the Sheliak Corporation. Perhaps we'll be focusing more on diplomacy than monsters of the week. The story is going to be told from the perspective of the first officer rather than the captain, which may offer fresh storytelling possibilities. We're definitely getting a more diverse cast and characters, finally practicing what Trek has preached all along. There are hopeful signs.

Henry: I wanna go to Hogwarts and learn magic! I'm a wizard, you know. But then I wanna be an agent like Uncle 'Raen.

Gall: Yeah, he drops scales all the time. Kinda has to, since getting set on fire isn't exactly good for them. Some of the bigger scutes are cool, but mostly it's annoying. The little buggers get everywhere, especially when he full-on molts. Ugh. ... Why? Do you want some? What'll you give me for 'em?

(( Disclaimer: This is my headcanon as of this post. The HtTYD wiki didn't have an answer I could find [and it's horribly written], and I'm not caught up on the series. ))

Ilraen: A woodchuck would chuck all the wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood. ... Tongue-twisters are not so difficult if you do not speak with a tongue. This comes in very handy when reading Fox in Socks to small children for the nth time in a row.

Durotar: Well, this does seem to be a popular question. We've delivered all manner of interesting things, as you can imagine. The ones that stand out are the ones where you can feel something moving inside. Best not to ask questions about what might be in there. Especially when you are delivering it to Kitchen staff.

Kur'nak: Ha! Things moving inside packages is hardly the weirdest. You know the Sunflower's subscriptions are weirder than that, and the things that Mary Sue Experiments and Research get...you know, the ones that sometimes leak through the box and smell like a child's perfume?...those are weird. I still say that last one was an arm. "Delicate Scientific Equipment" my ass.

Durotar: Do you remember when we had to haul that giant box down to DoSAT?

Kur'nak: The one that barely fit in the hallways and around corners? Yeah, I remember it. Did we ever find out what was in that?

Durotar: I heard it from one of the techs. It was two AA batteries packaged in nearly a mile of bubble wrap. That was the least stressed-out tech I've ever seen, by the way.

Though if you're asking about Greek mythology-specific centaurs, probably nothing. Pretty much the only thing that can hurt me is another vampire, one of those wolf guys from La Push, or fire, and acid blood is none of those. I don't think I'd really like to risk it, though—and besides, my girlfriend isn't acid-proof, and it would kind of suck to hurt her if I forgot to clean up after feeding and we kissed.

Farilan: I'm not particularly fond of humans. They look strange, and they smell stranger, and their arrogance is unbelievable! I suppose their ability to grip things with a greater strength is useful, though it's a rather unattractive holdover from their days as apes.

As for the second part of your question, kindly find the nearest airlock and throw yourself from it.

The Aviator: Elanor's doing great. She's able to sit up on her own and she's been babbling almost nonstop over the last month. Zeb and I are hoping she'll say her first real word soon. (It's going to be momma. I hope.)

Charlotte: So, uh, it's me answering, because my girlfriend's face turned about six different shades of white when she saw her question. So, yeah, I'd say it's too personal, but the official story is her neighbor's dog attacked her when she was a kid, and that's all you need to know.

She and I work in different areas of the department, so we don't see each other very much. I know Zeke runs off to play with Feysuei when he's not napping on my desk, but Liu and I don't really talk much.

...actually, I don't think I knew Liu's first name was Shui-Hua until today.

I don't talk to many of my fellow techies at all, come to think of it. I should probably change that.