Tuesday, September 25, 2012

So one large caveat to this week’s recap of football and that is, anything that happened post Mike Vick’s brain freeze will not be covered because in order to maintain my sanity and not fall into a fit of lasting rage, I had to remove myself from all things football for about 36 hours and reset. This means no Sunday night game, no Sports Center, no Monday night game… hell, no ESPN period. That being said, here’s what I got from Week 3 in the NFL.

Apparently Romeo Crennel woke up Sunday morning to the epiphany that, “oh shit, wait a tic, Jamal Charles is on my team!” Perhaps saving both his own job and my team at the same time as JCharles responded with a monster game and somehow we end up with the Saints being 0-3 and the Cardinals being 3-0.. more on that later.

Speaking of Jamal Charles… I remember a time when he and Chris Johnson were thought of in very similar terms…entering this week both of them remained huge questions marks as to their effectiveness. While Charles seems to have answered those questions for the time being … CJ2K continues to disappoint. The difference between them…? Apparently CJ2K is confussed as to which direction is North? He had multiple rushes of -7 yards or more. Which means if your keeping score at home, he could have fallen flat on his face and saved you 2 points

Thursday seems like a long, long time ago… you know what also seems like a long time ago? Cam Newton being mentioned as the best rookie QB in the history of histories! His performance….uh left something to be desired against the same Giants D that the Bucs and Josh Freeman ran roughshod over just a week ago. Just a thought, but he might want to try playing with his eyes open. For the sake of Jeff and the entire state of North Carolina.

As far as naming a top 5… forget it, don’t even try, it’s pointless. A week ago, San Fran was the most dominant force in the galaxy… a week later, Christian Ponder has more rushing TD’s than AD and the Vikings still beat the 9ers. Check back with me in about 4 weeks and we’ll talk, until then, its week to week.

Even NPH doesn’t know what to think..

Is there anyone in the league with worse luck than Austin Collie? The guys is essentially knocked out of the last two years worth of football with concussions and then when he finally gets cleared to play again he blows out his knee on his first play of the game? No image or sarcastic comments, just genuinely feel bad for the dude.

Now on to my thoughts about the Eagles…

I’ve heard a bunch of people complain about Andy Reid and his play-calling on the 1 yard line and I ask, what would you have done? You can’t run the ball with no timeouts so you have to pass. I am certain that the coaches told Vick, you can’t hold onto the ball when your that close to the endzone but he, as pointed out via Facebook, Vick is a moron. It’s that simple. If we are at the point where we have to kick field goals with 11 seconds left and a 1st down on the goal line because we are worried our QB can’t handle 3 steps and throwing.. then bring in Foles. Hell, bring in anyone who can grasp the concept of “get rid of the football”.

Separated at birth….

That last point sounds like a joke, but not really… Honestly, how much worse could Foles possibly play than Vick. If Foles comes in against Arizona and does nothing but kneel on the football the game is already at least 10 points closer than it ended up being! I have no idea if Foles can play, but what I am 110% certain of is Vick A) cannot make a pre-snap read and B) cannot grasp the concept of avoiding contact. If Foles can handle even one of those, I say it might be time to roll with it. And for those of you thinking that this would lead to the end of the Reid era in Philly, I remind you that 47 of the 53 man roster are signed through next year. Would be an awfully odd time to grab a new head coach.

The moral of this image is throwing the ball away is better than not throwing it at all

Thankfully the defense still looks legit. The basically gave up 13 points and even though I think the Cardinals offense stinks, sans Fitzgerald, they played behind the 8 ball all day and once they gave Boykins man over help in the slot, things went fine. With the way the rest of the league looks at this point, the Eagles could probably win half of their games by simply not ever, ever throwing the ball or letting Vick do anything that requires him to look downfield

Saturday, September 22, 2012

What is the point of a blog if you cannot bitch about things that really annoy you? There is no point. So in no particular order, here are ten things that annoy me...

1. People who honk at you for not going fast enough when you are going over the speed limit. I was going up 476 today, in a 40mph zone, going 65mph and a guy honked at me because the guy next to me (in the left lane) was going 65mph as well. There are about 100 other road/driving related items, but that is not even entertaining to read.

2. Facebook - I have tried to quit FB entirely but Jen said that I can't because people will think her husband is made up. Seriously, our culture has reached the point that if you do not have a Facebook page, you simply DO NOT EXIST. Sorry Paul but it seems you are some sort of false-person.

Another thing that sucks about FB is the kind of crap that pops up in my newsfeed thingy. A sizable portion of it is pictures of Pat's kid, which is fine, and Josh's dinner (hipster-ized), which is acceptable. The rest is stupid random crap. See below. Why can't "Peg ________" resist clicking on these links?

3. Almost every NFL announcer in existence. I hate to say it, but Kenny, Moose and Goose are my favorites. Billick is good too, but he is like 4th string on CBS.

4. Communism. What a terrible idea.

5. Ohio State. Josh got me thinking about this as we were discussing the Michigan-ND game. We have some pretty intense college football fans in our league. Paul (Navy), Josh (Michigan), Pat and Nate (ND), John (WVU), and Matt (Lehigh...haha jk). Growing up in a college football free home, and being a Drexel alum, I never really had a college football team. For a while I tried to get into Michigan. Long history, winning tradition, produced Tom Brady (swoons...) etc were all good reasons. But you really cannot just pick a team, even if you are really missing out. So I was watching the game tonight and found I just did not care. However, I still really hate Ohio State. That is never going away. I cannot explain why, but its a deep-seeded and intense hatred.

6. Randomly having rappers on songs that are not rap. It's like putting mustard on a slice of cake.

7. Cam Newton - alternatively, inconsistency.

8. That game where you had to decide between two terrible things. "How would you rather die - being force fed wet sand until your digestive tract becomes obstructed and explodes filling your body with bacteria and bile, causing substantial pain, sepsis and eventually death OR being tied to a pier at low tide and having to wait for the tide to come in and drown you (Note: there are Jellyfish and crabs present)?" This is how I feel about elections.

9. People who put tons of sugar and creamer in their coffee, besides my wife.

WEEK 2 Highlights

So week 2 is in the books, and the results are surprising, in my mind. The two highest scorers are 1-1 and are stuck in 3rd and 4th overall. The two teams that are 2-0 finished in the bottom half of the league last year. This all goes to show that in the crazy world of fantasy football, the first two weeks don't mean shit.

Game 1: The SHOCKER.

No one saw this coming, but Vinegar Strokes - without keeper Fred Jackson - holds on to beat current Champion Ron F'ing Swanson. Ron decided to start Jay Cutler (never a good idea, cause he is a total fruit cake) and it certainly paid dividends, to the tune of 2 points. From Thursday night on, Josh was pretty sure that he was not going to make it up. He was right. Congrats on the big win, Travis. I can only imagine how it feels to start a QB on Thursday and have them TOTALLY SUCK. Oh wait....

waaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

Game 2: When it Rains...

Wow. Two guys with goose eggs, 1pt from another - 6 from his QB. Pat could do no right, and his winning streak comes to an end. Interestingly, this abysmal performance masked a subpar performance by Arian Brotherhood who failed to meet the wildly conservative Yahoo predictions. Five guys in single digits...and his top scoring WR was Malcom Floyd.

Game 3: SackedByUpshaw Spill-ers blood.

Paul did everything he could to lose - including starting defensive powerhouse Oakland. Tough break losing Aaron Hernandez because what the world needs is more self-important NE players...Luckily for Paul, he may hate NE more than me so at least there is some silver lining in the loss of his keeper. Chris continues to ride the CJ Spiller train to victory town, though I am reading that when FJax comes back he will be right in the mix. The big question, will he start Welker against his beloved Ravens? Also, are you dressing up as Sack Lodge for Halloween? CRABCAKES AND FOOTBALL!

Pop that collar to complete the look! Are there little lobsters stitched into those shorts?

(I am just jealous)

Paul - This is from Deangelo Williams - Good call benching him in week 2 and 3

Game 4: Holy points.

I scored 177 points. Thats awesome. Last year's runner-up is 0-2. These things will change, sadly for me.

Game 5: Does Brady know what CunningLinguists is?

I think not. This was a close matchup, but in the end, Brady's bunch held on for the win, validating that stupid team name. I really hope Pollard rips off Tom Brady's leg and beats Gronkowski to death with it this weekend so that Matt has to change his team name. Here is a Frommer's fun fact - Brent Celek beat his prediction by 223%. Maybe that soft zone the ravens were playing was a bad idea...hopefully Bill Belichik was not watching the game or getting any ideas.

Other stuff:

Well Michael Vick survived week 2. The Ravens did not get much penetration (just the tip, just to see how it feels, or ouch! ouch! you're on my hair), and Vick played well. Still, I think we should consider Vick Bingo.

Can you count the movie references in this blog?

I just bought out trophy - it will be a surprise though. Do you guys trust me?

COW

Before this week's COW, I just thought I would share a little history regarding the COW. The COW started when I was a first time Commish for an ESPN league. The purpose of this league was to get people I was friends with into Fantasy Football, so it was free and just a friendly competition. Turns out when there is no money involved, most people don't care. So I started writing a weekly writeup and packing it full of pictures of cheerleaders. I can say that the inspiration came from Nate's perennial league with his friends, who take it far above and beyond what we do here. It's something to aspire to. The trophy will help.

It sorta looks like her boobs just hit her in the face...why is no one else's hair flying around?

Good angle.

Katinka Martikaloya was extremely pleased to be nominated as this weeks COW. "First I think you mean cow, like mooo and I am angry, but then you say no moooo and I am very honored." Katinka has been living in the United States for just 2 months, but does not miss anything about her hometown of Omsk, Russia. "I was happy to make acquaintance of a man on the interweb who paid for me to be his wife. In his picture he was very pretty like a mannish-lady who wears wooly girl boots and he said he was rich. Look, here is his interweb picture."

When she got to America someone explained that he was the quarterback of a football team and that he was married to a brazilian supermodel and likely did not pay for her to come to America, Katinka was confused. "I was like 'Wait dis lady-man is not to be my husband?' " She was fortunate that the Patriots Organization offered her a work visa and a job as a cheerleader. "They explain that all American women stand in a big field and jump and yell while men touch each other."

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Intentionally or not, Josh has become the first guest blogger with this epic, pictureless rant...

So I used to read Peter King's Monday morning QB article all
the time, but I've discovered that not only is he a moron, but he insists on
stretching 1 page worth of material into 6 pages. With that in mind here are my
thoughts on this past weekend games a la Monday Morning QB.

1) Tom Coughlin - perhaps the biggest non-story of the
weekend. Let me get this straight, your upset because your players might have
gotten hurt while playing football? Tell ya what, next time your team is down
at the end of a game, you go ahead and kneel on the ball to protect your
players, and then we can have this conversation

Jeffs Comments: See it here. Honestly, I agree with Josh here. I was listening to Mike and Mike, and Golic pointed out that if you see the D-line setup in low, short yardage stances, and you are on the O-line...maybe you should get low too. Are you that oblivious that you cannot see they are lined up 6" off the ground like rabid dogs? Besides, I am a huge fan of Tom Coughlin face. If you don't know what I mean, it's this angry, surprised look mingled with a dose of ill-placed righteous indignation and a little taste of malice...see below.

WAIT! WAIT! You're not going to just let us win?

2) Refs, again - Made no difference. Yes the games def took
longer, so what? Your telling me your Sunday is so busy and you have so many
pressing issues that its really ruining your weekend.. then go watch soccer. 2
hours in and out guaranteed. All you monkeys flipping out about refs have
officially forfeited the right to ever complain about a call when the other
refs come back.

Jeffs Comments: Ok first off, you like soccer, so shift it down a gear pal. You even like women's soccer. And it's not just the time...PI versus illegal contact was big. Terrible spots, a general lack of control. On the plus side, I have been a fan of the replacement refs generally treating most players the same (i.e. no favoritism towards Tom Brady - that I have seen. I am sure there will be some on Sunday night - it's tradition).

3) Balance of Power - The AFC is stinking up the joint.
There are six 0-2 teams in the league and 5 of them are in the AFC, the sole
NFC team is the Saints which I'd take against any of the AFC 0-2 teams. To that
end, my first bold prediction of the year is that Romeo Crennel doesn't last
till week 9 at this rate. That team looked terrible and they have some talent.

Jeffs Comments: Past Crennel, maybe Munchak, and maybe the poor schmuck that got the Raiders job, I think no one else will get fired this season. THAT"S A LOCK. As for the 0-2 AFC teams - here is who they lost to: Falcons, Patriots, Vikings, Chargers, Eagles, Texans, Bengals and Bills. Now this isn't a list of the greatest teams in NFL history, but they are not too bad. Saints lost to both of my QBs - one a first year and one a second year.

4) Football is back in D.C.! - Do you know how I know this?
Because Josh Morgan got death threats for being a moron. Normally this type of
incident would go unnoticed in D.C. as their team has been awful for a decade
or so. That being said, they came up snake eyes in a big way losing Orakpo and
Carriaker within 30 minutes of one another.

Jeffs Comments: Cortland Finegan is a pretty frustrating guy. I feel like if I ever met him, we would get in a fight.

5) Thud! - Welcome back to reality JETS. So you beat up on
the Bills and I have to listen to how your now a top 10 team and Sanchez in Joe
Montana light and Rex Ryan is a genius... and then you go and get hammered by a
Steelers team which I think is pretty mediocre this year. Welcome back to earth
and let the Tebow countdown continue.

Jeffs Comments: Rex Ryan was smart enough to capitalize on the fact that he inherited a great defense at Baltimore, then steal half of those guys when he left to go to the Jets. I have not seen Tebow save any children from a burning building in a while, so bring it on.

My Obligatory Eagles Thoughts

1) Draft grades - So it takes 3 years to evaluate a draft and
all that but the Eagles have to be thrilled with their haul so far. Kendricks
has been a monster all over the field, Cox is entrenched as the #2 DT and
Boykins looks like he is tailor made to sit in the slot. Not to mention liking
what you saw from Foles and while he made a bonehead play on Sunday, I still
think Bryce Brown is the second best back on the team already.

2) Jordan..? You ain't even a Pippen - While most of the D
looked great, Akeem "in a Dream" Jordan looked mediocre at best. He
got trucked by blockers left and right and Pitta basically treated him like a
rag-doll. He can thank his lucky stars that the rest of the team is playing
well.

3) No more caveman - Tough to lose Kelce at center...but
perhaps not crushing. No Dallas Reynolds doesn't provoke a ton of confidence
but at least he has been here 3 years to know the whole playbook and Mudd's
system seems to be able to use interchangeable pieces.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The funny thing about one of these posts is that the Title is the first thing you try to write, and you have literally no idea what the post is going to be about. If this were an essay in high school, I would be establishing my "main idea" in this first paragraph. The main idea of this blog post is ramble about fantasy football, make fun of my friends, and post up pictures of cheerleaders.

RECAPS

Game 1: The Headliner

Week 1 is in the bag, and there were some hard fought, early season matchups. The marquee matchup of the week was Dammit Jim Vs. Ron Fucking Swanson. Swanson's entire team was wrapped up after the 1pm game on Sunday, establishing a 105 point lead on Dammit Jim. Even Vick, who threw more interceptions than the rest of the NFL combined, couldnt slow him down. It was a long weekend until Monday night and the Ravens vs. the Bengals where Dr. Jim had several players remaining. Ironically, the Ravens are SO good that the game got out of hand and they had to bench Rice, and the Bengals benched Green.

Yahoo has some pretty cool stat features now - go to week one and click Game Recap

The impressive 101 point comeback ended just a little short. It looks like karmic retribution has already been dealt to Ron Swanson however, but more on that later.

Someone besides Pat is happy about Peyton Manning

Game 2: Still got it...

Riding on the shoulders of aging giants, Dick Trickle held out against Brady's Bunch. Led by Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Santana Moss, Steven Jackson and Antonio Gate, Trickle matched last season's win count in dramatic last minute fashion. It came down to a TE matchup. Brady's only hope was that Gates got hurt early, but he waited a least a quarter or two, and caught some balls before getting injured. Let the season long "will Gates play this week?" drama begin...I am glad that is someone else's cross to bear this year.

Game 3: Who needs RBs?

Another tough matchup this week between Buffalo Renaissance and Vinegar Strokes. Both teams coming off a bit of a rebuilding year last year, carrying title hopes. No players in the Wednesday game, but Buffalo jumped out to a solid lead after the 1pm games Sunday and never relinquished it. The big question coming out this matchup is who is more upset about FJax's injury. The distraught Buffalo fan, or the distraught fantasy owner?

Paul - DeAngelo Williams sent this to you on twitter...

No need to state the obvious big D.

Game 4: Payback for stealing Dan Bailey

Arian Brotherhood (officially the best team name in the league now) put up scary numbers against last years runner up, Time Is Yours. Time had a lead after the Wed game, but was buried by mid-afternoon Sunday. Personally, I think this is a misleading game, at least on the side of Time is Yours. Demaryius Thomas, and McFadden were solid. And now that Time has cleared out the fat and picked up a bunch of waiver fodder, I am sure things will straighten out this week with a...LOSS, cause he is playing me. Tough break. On the plus side, the world's second most fragile player (more on the #1 coming up) took about 142 touches in the most horizontal offense ever run and lived to tell the tale...

Game 5: "About to get married" Bowl.

The final matchup of the week was SackedByTheMemoryofSuggs versus Cunning Linguists. This was a bit of a beatdown, and not even Janikowski could pull out the win for the Linguists. Statistical highlights include the largest margin of victory of the week at 37 points. I especially enjoyed the minimal production from one Wes Welker. If I can't have him and his dreamy blue eyes then NO ONE CAN!

I look good but unless my better looking QB throws me the ball, it stops there...

Now, on to some brief discussion of Week 2, and other random crap. First, there was some good banter on the boards this week, and I would like to add to one discussion here.

Shit Eagles Fans Say:

Josh gave us a good list of stupid crap Eagles fans (THE MOST PASSIONATE AND INTELLIGENT FOOTBALL FANS IN THE COUNTRY) say. Yes, people on TV actually say that.

1) Eagles need to run the ball more

2) Andy Reid is a bad play caller

3) The offensive line can't protect Vick

4) The Eagles are terrible drafters

5) The Eagles should sign Plaxico Burress

and I added...

6) We are going to lose this week

But now I have another addition. And this one is legit.

7) Let Vick be Vick.

OK yeah lets do that. I was listening to Talk radio in Philly - always a dangerous prospect - and the general question was what can Michael Vick really do different? What followed was a string of phone calls from total morons saying Vick is instinctual, Vick is a fantastic athlete, just let Vick do his thing...

Here is my response, stolen from the internet (@ www.BlackSportsOnline.com in case you are wondering)

If Darren McFadden is a Mazda Miata - Michael Vick is a Smart Car. The Eagles are the favorite today against the Ravens, which is understandable because they are an explosive team with a seemingly solid defense. That being said, if Vick elects to not slide today, he is going to get hurt. Fortunately for Josh, he always has Jay Cutler as a backup...

"He's a man, he can be hit like the rest of us"

and finally....

It's a Broncos-themed week...

Our Cheerleader of the Week (COW) hails from Wheatland, Iowa and is in her second year as a Bronco's cheerleader. Jessica Rosen says she was born to be a cheerleader. "I was really good at sports. Like real sports, not cheering. I was all-state track and field, and a national champion in basketball and field hockey."

When asked why she did not pursue those sports, Jessica said "I'd rather put on a tiny outfit and shake my ass at 60,000 people in the dead of winter and freezing temperatures than play in the WNBA."

And so here we are...

and now a real COW - apparently I did not come up with this idea.

Still looking for a guest blogger, or some alternate draft grades. Also, Shust, Paul, Nate and Travis are all that remain on dues. Info in on the league site.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Unless you are an O's fan, which I think we should all become from this point on...

BUT FRET NO LONGER....AS PETE DUNHAM AND FRODO WOULD SAY....

IT'S FOOTBALL DAY!!!!!!!

So yes I am up early on Sunday to write this blog post because I cannot contain my excitement. Also, my dog, a constant companion and cock blocker, decided to wake up early and go to town on himself in bed preventing any further sleep.

So without further ado, I will attempt to deliver the promised Draft Grades for this year. Before I begin, I just thought I would share just how important the Al Davis award selection is to one Josh Kidd, our current league champion, and the champion of hearts for ever.

Josh has spent a lot of time thinking about the Al Davis award...

Who was the worst pick?

He has searched far and wide...

Maybe the people of this quaint Scottish fishing village can shed some light on who the worst pick was?

So in the end, I have made an executive decision to let the current league champion select the present Al Davis award winner. I did not tell Josh about this, but luckily for me he thought a lot about it himself...

Maybe if I sit in this field, in Jesus sandals, it will come to me...

Well it did. Josh has been campaigning for the Al Davis pick, and so with pleasure I announce that we have a repeat Al Davis award winner in Vinegar Strokes, with his Pick of Joel Dressen in the 11th. In my opinion, it was a pretty good year without any ridiculous picks, except maybe Janikowski in the 8th, but that was an autodraft, so it is exempt.

So Vinegar Strokes, Josh has deemed you the winner and we all wish you and Joel the best of luck...

QB - Love the QB picks here...Brees is Brees, and A. Smith could finally come of age

RB - Not much depth, and some injury concerns. I like FJax this year though. WR - Again, not much solid depth, but some good young guys
Best Keep - MJD at the bottom of the 2nd round is tempting, but it goes to FjaxBest Pick - Vjax in the 4thWorst Pick - See AboveGrade - CArian Brotherhood: "Opposite ends of the spectrum" Sidebar: I just figured out this team name. Now it totally makes sense. Shust - Did you Google that or come up with it yourself?

QB - He took 3, and all I have to say is I hope Locker pays off. Ryan and Freeman are too mediocre

RB - Some solid young guys and some solid old guys, but Foster and Murray are the engine room hereWR - Again, Torrey Smith, the best 2nd year guy, and Steve Smith, the Father of Time.
Best Keep - Meh. Its a toss up. Best Pick - DeMarco Murrary at 18th overallWorst Pick - Matty Ice in the 3rd RoundGrade - B-SackedBySuggs: "Must know something we don't RE: WR"

QB - Superstar and Rookie - Safe strategy

RB - No big names, but lots of PPR potential in Sproles. Never trust the lawfirm...WR - Brandon Marshall before Andre Johnson, Greg Jennings, Hakeem Nicks, and Marques Colston
Best Keep - SF in the 15thBest Pick - It pains me to say it, but Shonn Greene in the 7thWorst Pick - I am going out on a limb - Marshall in the 2ndGrade - B

Cunning Linguists: "Autodraft - Roll out! "

QB - I like the Stafford/Rapelisberger pair a lot

RB - sigh. its going to be a tough year at RBWR - Not a bad mix. PPR guys and big play guys.
Best Keep - Stafford in 11Best Pick - Harvin in the 2nd* Worst Pick - Janikowski at allGrade - D+

Buffalo Renaissance: "BEAST MODE"

QB - Rivers and Romo - definitely solid

RB - Lots of fragility here. Richardson could pay off, but he may have gone a bit early - limits the keeper valueWR - Pretty solid group - He is one good waiver pick up from WR greatness in my mind
Best Keep - Jones in the 8thBest Pick - Rivers is a steal in the 7th roundWorst Pick - I may eat my words 15 times over for this, but I think Lynch will let him downGrade - B+

Dammit Jim I'm a Dr: "You may ask yourself , 'Well, how did I get here?' "

RB - Passed on ADP, because of injury concerns, to get Ryan Mathews...hmmmWR - Young guys with lots of big play potential - not as big of a PPR upside as some other teams
Best Keep - CruzBest Pick - I am going to go with JenningsWorst Pick - Mathews - Mark it down. Grade - B

RB - Yeah definitely the best group in the leagueWR - Again, really solid
Best Keep - Charles without a doubtBest Pick - I like Holmes in 12Worst Pick - Cinncinati Defense - Playing the Ravens in week 1 - FLACCO!!!!!!!!!!!!Grade - AAs always, I open to the floor to criticisms and comments. I can take it as well as I can dish it. I invite anyone else to do their own grades for comparison...I want to make a few season odds, and make them official. I am not good at odds though, so if I am writing these wrong, sorry. 1:100000 means unlikely. 2:1 means likely. Get it? Feel free to weigh in on these as well. 1. First team to leave in an injured player/bye week player/Tiki Barber:Ron Fucking Swanson 1 in 1000Time is Yours 1 in 500Bradys Bunch 1:100Dammit Jim 1:1000Buffalo Renaissance 1:200Cunning Linguists 1:2SackedBySuggs 1:1000Arian Brotherhood 2:1Vinegar Strokes 1:1Dick Trickle 1:100000002. First team to attempt to make a trade: