15.5.06

From Stress Over School To Stress Over Weight Loss: I Can't Ever Give Myself A Break.

I feel:: frustrated, alone, depressedWhat song is on a loop in my head right now:: Over The Rhine~Jesus In New Orleans

My goal is one pound a week. I know it's a very small goal, but I'm at "the very small goal" stage right now. Anyway, I made these weight loss tickers that I can update every time I lose or gain weight.

I'm still 5 pounds over what I started when I first made these ticker things. I don't have much of an appetite lately. Just want to sleep. When I'm awake, I can't stand to be alone with my thoughts. I cry a lot. Been keeping myself pretty doped up on Klonopin. I haven't cut myself again, though. I wanted to, but at the time I was driving and by the time I got home, I was too worn out from crying to do anything except fall into bed.

This one tracks how much weight I've lost.

This one tracks my actual weight.

I tend to be rather obsessive about weighing and measuring myself. I will try to confine it to once weekly, but I can't make any promises. Friday, I weighed myself and I was 205. Today, 4 days later, I'm 200. I had lost down to 195, but depression, anxiety and a shitload of ice cream made sure that I not only couldn't maintain that weight, but also that I gained weight. I hate being fat like this. I don't feel like this body is mine and I hate the way it feels.

I feel so alone. I feel broken. I hate feeling like this. I have to go to therapy in like an hour. I don't know if I'll be able to drag myself there. I guess I will feel better once I get out of the house.

The fridge is nearly empty and I really don't give a shit. My dad wants me to go grocery shopping today. I feel like asking him,"What the fuck for?"