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Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

When you face a foe as great in numbers as animals, humans want to believe that we aren’t alone in this fight. We’ve long put dogs on a pedestal, claiming them as man’s best friend. But, let’s not forget that only 10,000 years ago, they were wolves.

We’ve depended on dogs in police work, especially for enforcing our nation’s drug laws, which have now incarcerated a larger portion of our population than that of any other country, even the freedom-hating ones like North Korea and China. Could this have been dogs’ plan from the beginning, to arrest as many fighting Americans as possible so we would be powerless to stop their inevitable attack?

The U.S. Supreme Court is about to decide whether police dogs are planting evidence. Or, at least whether using their sense of smell alone is strong enough evidence for a search. Either way, it looks like some species is about to get their face rubbed in the Constitution of the United States.

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Some people think this blog is alarmist. We get that. Some people think we make things that are really nothing sound like a big deal. So what? There will always be those who refuse to see the world as it is. But this you just can’t ignore.

Not surprisingly, that dog lives in Florida. We don’t need to tell you that a dog that knows how to read is a HUGE threat to all of humanity. What happens if he teaches the other dogs, and they teach the other animals? Our code has been broken. (OK, well just our English code, but still …)

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It’s not easy being lonely. I mean, life can be pretty weird if you’re single. It’s probably even worse for those that are married. One might think initially that with all the time that you and your significant other spend together, that you wouldn’t be lonely in the slightest. Au contraire, brown bear. Perhaps that’s how it is in the beginning, but once the years start to mount up, being lonely is all that one can do to not kill each other. At least, that’s what I hear.

So, it’s understandable that when the life of whatever may be closest to Greg LeNoir is threatened, he takes action. If what is closest to him is his prized toy rat terrier, then it’s kind of weird, but still understandable. If the action that must be taken requires him to kick logic to the curb, stick to his crazy guns and punch a shark in the face to save the dog, then it’s not understandable. No, it’s seven shades of bad-ass.

That’s right-Greg LeNoir of Florida, a mile mannered carpenter, jumped into the water to save his toy dog. Using his hardened and callused hands of power, he punched the shark over and over until it gave him back what was his. There have been only two people in history beforehand to have taken it to sharks in such a manner-Chuck Norris and Batman.

If LeNoir was fighting a ghost shark, then he clearly wouldn’t have been afraid of no gho-wait. Just hold on a minute. What do you mean that “the dog was real”? Wait, so he risked his life to save an animal from another animal? But it looks so not alive. I mean, that dog looks like it’s stuffed five ways to Sunday.