Osama BinLaden’s New Year’s Wish

From his hideout somewhere in the mountains of Big Bend National Park in Texas, Osama bin Laden released an audiotape of his New Year’s message to the United States. In it he says, “For years now you have foolishly tried to find me along the Pakistan border with Afghanistan. Is it not brilliant that the best place to hide is right under your enemy’s own nose?

Since finding sanctuary here in this beautiful park I have married a naturalized Mexican woman and now I am American too! I wish to find work in America doing those things you say Americans won’t do. No, not blowing things up. I am told that you will give me free medical coverage for my dialysis treatments, a place to live, voting rights, and welfare for my 8 wives and 24 children.

Since the liberals of your country no longer require we Americans to pledge allegiance under God I will not violate my citizenship. Praise Allah! I may even get a driver’s license and start driving a taxicab in New York City where I can repent every time I drive past the site of my greatest achievement. I promise I will no longer try to destroy America through violence. I join the thousands of people who have crossed your borders and are bringing down America by bankrupting it. What a country! Please respond by placing an ad in the New York Times. It’s the only paper me and my fellow jihadists read. Oh, and get those damn Minutemen off my ass I’m covered with cactus needles from escaping from those patriotic bastards. Thank you. And oh yeah, thank you Senator Rockefeller, I would not be here today if it wasn’t for your tip about the cellphone tracking thing. Democrats rock.” — Shelby Trial