What is the fear??

Friday, January 15, 2010

I've been down this road before. I get just a few pounds away from breaking past the 200 mark and something scares me off. All my efforts of whatever weight I had lost up to that moment, gets tossed out the window when I begin the sabotage of putting the weight back on. I never get to see if I can do it, if I can lose those few pounds and break free from the 200's.

I don't know what it is that scares me. I can't imagine that it's the fear of feeling good because that's what I'm striving for - to feel good. It can't be the fear of losing weight, because that's what I want to do - lose weight, and I am losing weight. Surely it's not the fear of being healthy because I haven't felt this healthy in a long time and want to feel even more healthier. Am I so used to being overweight that I like the discomfort? The discrimination? The isolation?

I'm baffled by what scares me from reaching this milestone!! Is the fear a figment of my imagination; So ingrained in me that it's the fear I fear?

I'm just 9 pounds away from hitting the 200 mark and for once would like to give myself the benefit of the doubt and squash this fear for good. I do not want to sabotage all the effort I have taken in adopting a new lifestyle and losing the 28 pounds that I have lost to date.

My journey is really just beginning and I want to push past this fear once and for all. I want to see what's around the corner or over the next hill. I want to know what it feels like to be 200 again. Then I want to see what it feels like to be 190, then 180, 170, 160....120.

I want to know what it feels like when I push past the fear and see that it really doesn't have as much hold on me as I thought.

What is the fear? The fear is letting go of the old me and embracing the new me. And I can do it. I am doing it.