"I think I'd rather sleep with her with no clothes on than you in your best suit"
I said to my dummy at the Winter Gardens, Rothesay, Isle of Bute
While the manager, praying for rain, watched the £50 grey clouds
Rolling in
Knowing if it rained we'd get the crowds
Knowing if it rained we'd get the crowds

Born in Greenock, 'the Tall Drole' was known to all
Worked in the mines and the mills but ended up in music hall
Maidie played the accordion, she was 'the Small Doll'
We could bring the hoose doon, nae bother at a'!

It all seems like yesterday, though you weren't alive
The Panopticon, the Trongate, Glasgow 1935
In the name of the wee man, here comes Funny Clive
God, it made you glad to be alive

It's the Laird of Inversnecky here, aye you ken me weil
With ma cast of characters frae places that are nearly real
Cold today! Aye! That's why we're by the seaside
Everybody come
To the Aberdeen Beach Pavilion
Every single night is fun!

I began as the panto tea boy, became the canny Scot
Like a chimney sweep on a ladder to very top
Synonymous for many with my famous character
The Reverend I.M. Jolly, the morose minister

The character comedians that you may see today
Where'd they get their talent for remarkable mimicry?
It's plain to see, it came from me, I saw them scribbling away
They all laughed like crazy at my "hoity-toity ladies"

"The flag at the castle is half mast high
Let's all go down to Mackie's for a wee cup of tea"

It's the Laird of Inversnecky here, back to make you greet
The Portobello pierrots, they cannae compete
At the Aberdeen Beach Pavilion, sixteen bloody years we've run
And every single night of it's been fun!
Every single bloody night's been fun!