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Horoscopes 2/8/13

The stars have spoken, and the secrets of your destiny are at your fingertips! Prepare for the painful truth as presented in Student Life’s freakishly insightful Horoscopes!

Aries

You’re busy. But get some sleep. Right now. I’d hate for you to act like the Superdome after the halftime show in one of your classes.

Taurus

Treat your significant other with love and tenderness this Valentine’s Day. Even if your significant other is your cat, your Xbox or your “1,001 Sweet Treats to Make for Cheap” cookbook and not a person.

Gemini

It’s Black History Month! I hope you knew that without me telling you. This horoscope will be a piece of trivia (and you’ll have to read the horoscope of another zodiac sign for the answer â€” oh, the humanity!) Question: What major American city was the first to have a black mayor?

Cancer

Admit it, Cancer, you “hate-watch” TV shows that you consider to be “guilty pleasures.” C’mon, you’re better than this, and your time is valuable. You could be watching good TV shows.

Leo

Mercury is in retrograde or something, so that means your love sector is being influenced by Pluto, which is a dwarf planet, so that means your love life was demoted in 2007 by astrophysicists. Yes. Yes, that sounds legit.

Virgo

You’ve had a lot of brain farts this week. You may need to adjust your brain’s diet. Cut back your supply of junk media and try consuming some healthy scholarly journals. Your brain can’t afford to have all that brain gas bubbling up in there.

Libra

No matter your academic discipline, this next week, sound smarter and more driven by adding “for science” to the end of your sentences. “I’m going on a date … for science!” “I’m going to eat this Taco Bell … for science!”

Scorpio

Scorpio, will you be my Valentine? … Oh, you already have a valentine? I see. I just thought it’d be cute to ask someone to be my Valentine in this horoscope. Well, this is awkward.

Sagittarius

In the northern states, winter storms are getting names. Meanwhile, you’re fretting because it’s warm here. You packed your warm-weather clothes and took them home before Winter Break, thinking you wouldn’t need them. It is a crazy world we live in, isn’t it?