“A collection of profound and epic album reviews and musical articles by former astronaut and brain surgeon, Alasdair Kennedy. Reaching levels of poetry that rival Keats and Blake, the following reviews affirm Alasdair to be a prodigy, a genius and a god whose opinion is always objectively right. He is also without a doubt the most modest man in the universe.” - Alasdair Kennedy

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Thursday, 18 December 2014

For sheer
entertainment value, I’ve decided to look back at the year and round up music’s
crème de la crap. It’s not all pop music (most of it is but not all). Enjoy.

10. 'All About that Bass' - Meghan Trainor

It’s nice that
Meghan’s speaking out for all the larger ladies, but when it’s done at the
expense of skinny-shaming she loses all my respect. The ‘bass/treble’ metaphor that
makes up the hook is also dumb and impressively annoying.

9. 'Honest' –
Future

Relying
entirely on auto-tune when singing is a crime. Managing to sound out-of-tune
even with pitch correction is a goddamn achievement. Future sounds like a robot
going through puberty on this track. The instrumental meanwhile should be administered
as general anaesthetic.

8.'Timber' - Pitbull ft. Kesha

I want to rip
my ears off every time I hear Ke$ha’s whiny, nasal voice. Like ‘All About That
Bass’ it also contains another forced metaphor in its hook. Also, Pitbull.

7. 'Hello
Kitty' – Avril Lavingue

The skate-punk
icon of the noughties embraces japanophilia and dubstep and the result is
something bizarre and unpretty. Also what’s up with the lyrics: ‘Let’s all slumber party, like a fat kid on a
pack of smarties’.

6. 'Edge of a Revolution' - Nickelback

Nickelback did
a collaboration with Flo Rida this year and it still wasn’t as embarassing as
this travesty. I’ve always found the band’s rock n roll clichés rather charming
in the past – the drugs, the sex, the fast cars. Thankfully, they’ve always
avoided politics – until now. You can’t be the posterboys for a revolution when
you’re the most commercial rock band on the planet. It’s like Coca-Cola trying
to tell the world that consumerism is bad.

‘These hoes ain’t loyal’. Maybe you
should stop beating them then and they might be inclined to be a bit more
loyal. Most rappers can get away with misogynistic lyrics, but not Chris Brown.
This is bad taste and nobody seems to be batting an eyelid. Chris Brown could spit
over a remix of ‘Smack my Bitch up’ and drunken people would still dance to it
in a club.

4. 'Get Swoll' - Constantine

I really want
this to be tongue-in-cheek but I have a terrible feeling that it isn’t. Big Con
may indeed be swoll but a rock singer/rapper he is not.

3. 'Proving Ground' - Atilla

Every single
riff is a one note breakdown. It’s a shameful waste of a fretboard. The whole ‘who’s
the faggot now?’ line is also just unnecessary and doesn’t make them any more
macho.

2. 'Anaconda' –
Nicki Minaj

The thought
process behind this song is simple: Sex sells. Twerking and butts are in
fashion, so let’s throw lots of that into the music video. We’ll cash in on a beat
from an already successful song. How about ‘Baby Got Back’, it links in with
the butt theme. Let’s put some trap in there and lots of annoying noises too,
vocal and instrumental. Annoying noises are catchy and catchiness sells
records. Who cares if the song is unmusical and lyrically dumb? This isn’t
about making music, it’s about making money!!!

1. 'Hookah' – Tyga
ft. Young Thug

Feel free to
throw as much eye candy at me as you can. It’s still not going to distract me
from the audial holocaust that is this song. Without Young Thug this would
still be a poor track, lacking any real originality or flair. With Young Thug its
borderline unlistenable. This is some of his worst rapping to date and that
hook sounds like he’s just developed a testicular hernia. I can only imagine
the PR team who discovered Young Thug took him on as a joke. However, this is a
joke that could become a disease in hip hop. If it takes no actual rapping
talent and just a whole load of goofiness and a quirky fashion sense to be a
musician, what hope has the music industry got.

TAGS: The Worst songs of 2014, The Worst Tracks of 2014, The Worst singles of 2014

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Once again I round up the best and worst tracks of the
week. None of its particularly Christmassy, which is a pity given the time of year, but whatever. DEAL WITH IT.

THE BEST:

'White Wall Wasteland' - Sorne

Impressively, Floridian musician Morgan Sorne appears to be a one man act, writing and performing all his own music and even designing the artwork. His newest track is tribal and epic in mood and makes me want to slap warpaint on and sharpen up my spear - not that I own a spear although I wish I did. I'm especially loving the guy's vocal tone - soaring and almost androgynous in its range.

'Inanimate Sensation' - Death Grips

If you're unfamiliar with Death Grips, this latest track will probably be as enjoyable as sticking your head in a blender. These experimental hip hoppers have been getting noisier and less accessible with each release and this new track follows suit. Its barely listenable, but exciting in its sheer bassy viscera. Part 2 of their already-half-released album The Powers That B should be hopefully dropping in the new year. The band announced this year that they were breaking up and that this will be their last record, but being the unpredictable sods that they are, this could all be fake shtick.

'The Island' - The Hanged Man

The ominous drone that sets off this track and the accompanying black and white visuals filmed from the back of Rebecka’s head had me bracing myself for something terrifying to happen. However, as sinister as the intro and visuals are, this song from Swedish indie artist Rebecka Rolfart AKA 'The Hanged Man' turns out to be actually quite pretty. The Floydian guitars that kick in cause a mellow mood shift like a sunrise emerging out of the black, and although the music video is gloomy and creepy, the horror is all implicit.

'Devotee' - Thumpers ft. Jena Malone

Featuring Hunger Games actress Jenna Malone, this glossy indie rock number revolves around four guitar chords and gradually builds in it's instrumental layers. There something quite cutesy about the music video that comes with it. It seem very improv and the band and Jenna are all having a good time.

THE WORST:

'Nobody' - Chief Keef ft. Kanye West

Auto-tune alert: This track is drenched in it. I’ve never been into Chicago rapper, Chief Keef, and his Wall-E vocals here haven't done much in winning me over.
The sample in the background meanwhile has been used by numerous rappers before
including Chance the Rapper and Dr Dre (i.e. it’s getting old now - can we stop using it!) Also, where's Kanye?

'Up Like Trump' - Rae Sremmurd

It's pronounced Rae 'Shrimmer' according to the rap duo themselves. Why didn't they spell it that way? As well as an annoying name, these kids from Mississippi also come with annoyingly squeaky voices and shoddy lyrics comprised of what seem to be just a bunch of annoying buzzwords. There's a theme developing here - can you spot it?

I AM SO GLAD I FOUND UR MUSIC!!! IT WAS A HOT SUMMERS DAY WHEN I WAS ON YOUTUBE WATCHING FUNNY CAT VIDEOS AND I STUMBLED ACROSS UR MUSIC VIDEO FOR ANACONDOR AND IT CHANGED MY #LIFE

SINCE THEN I HAVE BEEN UR BIGGEST FAN. I KNEW THAT U WERE DESTINED TO B MY BAE. LIKE MILEY U CAN SING. LIKE MILEY U CAN TWERK. UNLIKE MILEY HOWEVER U CAN ALSO DO #RAPING!!!

IMO I WOULD GO SO FAR AS TO CALL U THE GREATEST FEMALE RAPER OF ALL TIME. BETTER THAN IGGY AZOOLIO. BETTER THAN AZOOLIO BANKS. BETTER THAN AZOOLIO IGLESIAS. BETTER THAN ALL THE AZOOLIOS. TBH U R NOT JUST THE BEST FEMALE RAPER. I THINK U R THE BEST RAPER FULL STOP.

#EvenBetterThanM&Ms

WHEN I HEARD U HAD A NEW ALBUM COMING OUT I HAD TO BUY IT. I PREORDERED 500 COPIES BECAUSE I KNEW ONE WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH. ALL 500 COPIES ARRIVED IN THE POST YESTERDAY. I WAS SO EXCITED I LITERALLY #DIED!!!!!!

SINCE YESTERDAY I HAVE LISTENED TO UR ALBUM FRONT TO BACK, BACK TO FRONT, UPSIDE DOWN, INSIDE OUT AND IT WAS TIME I THOUGHT TO DO A REVIEW 4 THE PPL SEEING AS I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN. HONESTLY NOBODY IS AS BIG A FAN AS ME. I HAVE ALL UR MEMORABILA NICKI. I HAVE A SHRINE TO U THE ROMAN GODESS OF SWAGNESS IN MY BEDROOM. I EAT OFF PLATES WITH UR FACE ON. I HAVE UR FACE TATOOED ON MY BUTT. I HAVE UR BUTT TATTOOED ON MY FACE!!!!!11!!!

ANYWAY ITS ALMOST 6PM AND NEARLY MY BEDTIME SO LETS GET THIS REVIEW STARTED.

THE ALBUM STARTS WITH ‘ALL THINGS GO’, MY FAVOURITE TRACK ON THE ALBUM. IT IS A TRACK ABOUT
HOW ALL THINGS GO, NOTHING LASTS FOREVER #YOLO. IT IS VERY DEEP AND VERY SAD
#EBOLA. IF YOU DON’T FIND IT DEEP OR SAD THEN U HAVE NO EMOTIONS.

NEXT UP IS ‘GET
ON YOUR KNEES’. THIS TRACK
HAS A SINGER CALLED ARYAN GRAN ON IT. SHE SINGS ABOUT HOW MEN SHOULD NOT GIVE
WOMEN FLOWERS AND DIAMONDS AND HOW THEY SHOULD BEG INSTEAD. THIS IS A USEFUL
TIP FOR ALL MEN. GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG AND BEG AND YOU WILL GET THE WOMAN
OF YOUR DREAMS. I PLAN TO USE THIS TACTIC WHEN I PROPOSE TO MY BAE NICKI <3

PROBABLY MY FAVOURITE TRACK ON THE ALBUM.

Aryan Gran

AFTER THE SECOND TRACK COMES THE FOURTEENTH TRACK ‘PILLS AND POTIONS’. HERE NICKI SLOWS THINGS DOWN AND SINGS ABOUT HER LOVE FOR 'THE GAME', A RAPER WHO APPEARS IN THE VIDEO. THIS TRACK SHOWS THAT NICKI MINAJ CAN DO SOFT SONGS AS WELL AS HARD SONGS. IT IS MY FAVOURITE TRACK ON THE ALBUM. WATCH THE VIDEO TO SEE NICKI SMOKING AND CRYING SCARY METALLIC TEARS.

AFTER THE FOURTEENTH TRACK COMES THE SIXTH TRACK ‘ONLY’. THIS TRACK FEATURES DRAKE, LIL
WANK AND JAMES BROWN. IT IS A SONG ABOUT THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP AND COULD
QUITE POSSIBLY BE MY FAVOURITE TRACK ON THE ALBUM. IT HAS A SEXY MUSIC VIDEO
AND A CONTROVERSIAL LYRIC VIDEO WHICH PPL HAVE BEEN GETTING ANGRY ABOUT BECAUSE
IT HAS NAZIS IN IT BUT I DON’T THINK THEY ARE REAL NAZIS. I THINK ITS ACTUALLY
A CARTOON. LOOK CLOSELY AT 3:44 AND YOU CAN TELL THAT ITS ANIMATED AND NOT
ACTUAL WW2 FOOTAGE.

NEXT IS THE TWELFTH TRACK ‘ANACONDOR’. OMGOMGOMG I LOOOOVE THIS TRACK!!!!!!!! IT FEATURES A BEAT FROM SIR
KILLALOT . ITS HANDS DOWN MY FAVOURITE TRACK ON THE ALBUM. THE LYRICS ARE ABOUT
SIR-KILLALOT’S PET SNAKE THAT WON’T EAT UNLESS YOU FEED IT BREAD: ‘MY ANACONDA DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT
BUNS HUN’. I WASN’T AWARE THAT SNAKES ATE BREAD. PPL THINK NICKI'S MUSIC IS DUMB BUT IT IS ACTUALLY #EDUCATIONAL.

THE TRACK COMES WITH A SEXUAL VIDEO WHICH PPL HAVE BEEN
SAYING IS TOO SEXUAL. PERSONALLY I THINK IF YOU FIND THIS VIDEO TOO SEXUAL THEN
YOU HAVE A DIRTY MIND AND SHOULD CUT YOUR BALLS OFF AS THIS WILL STOP YOU FROM
GETTING AROUSED (TRUST ME I’VE TRIED IT!!!11!!)

NEXT COMES THE ONE-HUNDRED-AND-FIFTY-EIGHTH TRACK ‘ILLUMINATI SWAG’ WHICH IS THE LAST
TRACK ON THE ALBUM. IT IS
SIXTY NINE MINUTES LONG AND FEATURES VERSES FROM JUSTIN BIEBER, ONE DIRECTION, CHER LLOYD, RIFF RAFF, LIL B, LIL KIM,
LITTLE RICHARD, LIL CHRIS, YUNG LEAN, YOUNG THUG, YOUNG YEEZY, NEIL YOUNG,
BONO, ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS, MICROSOFT SAM, GODZILLA, SHIA LE BOUEF, ROBERT
MUGABE, ROLF HARRIS, GARY GLITTER, IAN WATKINS, THE GHOST OF JIMMY SAVILE, EVERY
MEMBER OF ISIS AND JAR JAR BINKS.

IN THE TRACK NICKI MINAJ COVERS TOPICS SUCH AS
QUANTUM PHYSICS AND THE MEANING OF LIFE RAPPED AT 1000 WORDS PER SECOND. SHE
THEN SINGS IN EIGHT OCTAVES, THERE IS A GUITAR SOLO FROM BRIAN MAY AND IT ENDS
WITH NICKI WHISPERING ‘SWAG’ WHICH ECHOES FOR SEVERAL SECONDS AND THEN THE
ALBUM IS OVER.

PERSONALLY I
THOUGHT THIS WAS A RATHER UNDERWHELMING END TO THE ALBUM BUT STILL A GREAT
TRACK. IN FACT IT IS MY FAVOURITE TRACK ON THE ALBUM.

ALL IN ALL I THINK I HAVE PROVED THAT NICKI IS WORTH
CHECKING OUT. SHE IS PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES OF MUSIC ON THIS ALBUM. THIS ALBUM IS AN EAsy 5 stars. Oh wow!!!! I've just discovered the caps lock button. That's handy!!!!!!!1!!!1!11