Blog

Today marks the day of the end of my challenge. This challenge was to go one month without social media, meaning: no Snapchat, no Instagram, no Facebook, no Twitter, and even no Pinterest. Some of you may be wondering why Pinterest or what’s so wrong with Pinterest? Well, I wanted to challenge myself to deleting all of the ‘time consuming’ apps from my smart- phone. I wanted to test out all of the negative rumors that follow social media. Most likely, many of you have heard the complaints on how social media negatively affects our relationships or how it is time consuming and even the talk of how it is so called addicting. So I put it to the test.

The first day was easy. It was the start of the challenge, so this called for deleting the apps and setting an alarm on the calendar for one month from that day. Luckily, a good friend joined in too. This helped immensely because we often talked about what we did with our time or how our bodies were reacting to it. We even came up with a ‘consequence’ if we gave in before our challenge was up and a reward at the end of the challenge. This made it fun be- cause neither of us wanted to be ‘losers.’ As few days passed and the realization of how social media affected me started to occur. Every time I sat down whether it be at my work desk, couch, dinner table, bed, nearly every ‘relaxing’ moment, my hand reached for the phone automatically and my mind subconsciously went straight to a social media app out of habit. However, because they were no longer on my phone, it hit me how often I ‘automatically’ relied on social media to occupy my time. This was a little alarming especially because after that moment this thought crossed my mind, “Oh, well what shall I do now?”

That’s when ‘plan b’ came into play. When this happened, I need something to do to occupy my time. This came pretty easy given that I am in school full-time and have children, so I have a truckload of things to do. When the to-do list was caught up, all of a sudden there was all this free time whereas before my “no social media” challenge, there was no such things as ‘free-time.’ This is when the hunt for hobbies came next. So I downloaded ‘audible’ and started listening to books and found a some new favorites. Then every other day an hour was spent at the gym. Next, my spiritual life; praying, reading, going to church grew stronger and family activities were happening more often than they used to.

​Last but not least, my most favorite part about this challenge is the reward at the end of it. This realization didn’t happen till the very end; every single day for a month, my self-esteem went from being at its lowest point to head- ing in the right direction of being comfortable with myself. There was no more scrolling through watching idols or acquaintances live an exotic life anymore and no more comparing my life to theirs. Since I wasn’t doing that anymore, I was living my own life and enjoying it more. There was no focus on what I don’t have and if I had that I would be happier.

After this challenge it took me a few days before I went on social media again. In all honesty, fear of feeling low again from looking at the glamorous lives of others worried me. I didn’t want to go back. There wasn’t even the slightest desire. But because I felt so strongly about sharing my experience with others, I wanted to be able to write about the experience I had with ‘plugging back in’ after the challenge was over. When I say this, I mean it with every ounce of energy I have, I absolutely hated it. In result, those apps are deleted once again and I wont ever go back.

​Social media isn’t a terrible thing if you are able to find a fine and healthy balance with it, but if you do this challenge and you realize that you had some problems with it, that’s when it’s a problem. Today, I challenge you to go one month without it and see what you learn about yourself.

​I don’t own a scale, and I’m not going to buy one in 2019. I’m not going to purchase a gym membership, begin a skin regimen that’s supposed to make me look like a Hollywood Starlet, or strive to make more money.

I guess you could say I’m a resolution rebel, and you’d be right. After all, I’m not choosing one of the common resolutions for my new year. Instead, I’m choosing to work on being the best me I can be ─ and by “best me” I mean the person I am on the inside.

I’ll begin by determining what I value. I’ll look at a list of values and pick three or four that really resonate with me, and then I’ll write them down as follows:

Integrity, Love, Faith, Generosity

Next, I’ll use this list to guide me in every situation. I’ll ask myself, “Am I acting with integrity? Am I demonstrating love? Do my actions fit with my faith? Is there a way I can be more generous?

Yes, 2019 will not be a year of “cutting out” for me. Instead, it will be a year of adding more of what I value. Maybe you’ll also want a year of "adding more." In that case, rebel, I’ll attached a list of values to help you in your quest.

May we both become the best version of ourselves this year, and may we find a year of happiness waiting for us. Blessings, my friend.

It’s the day after Christmas, and although many of you may not celebrate this holiday, I’m aware that there are other family celebrations happening around this time; and I know what that means. It means many of you are nursing some deep wounds today, afflicted by members of your family. Members you thought would give you love, but gave hate instead. Perhaps it was an aunt who brought up the mistakes of your past, mistakes she can never forgive you for committing. Or maybe it was a grandparent who greeted other members of the family warmly and then barely acknowledged you. It might have been a group of cousins who chose to ignore and ostracize you from the family, letting you know they find you unworthy of their time or conversation.Whatever the grievance, you are hurting and wondering why you are receiving such nasty treatment from people who are supposed to accept and encourage you. I want you to know that I’m thinking of you today, and I don’t have easy answers. Quite frankly, it makes me sick to see people act this way. You may wonder if it will ever get better. I can’t say. However, I do have a little piece of truth for you to hang onto in this moment, one you can repeat when the pangs of hurt come crashing over you:“It reflects badly on them.”Regardless of their reasons for being upset, their choosing to treat you badly instead of trying to solve their issue and repair a family connection reflects badly on their character - not yours. Remind yourself of this fact every time those nasty scenes replay in your mind. Then set some boundaries for yourself. You do not have to allow people to bully you, even if they are family. Respect them? Yes. Retaliate? No. Give yourself space from them? By all means, yes! And if they decide to repair the relationship? Should we forgive them, even after the years of hurt they’ve caused? Yes. Let’s offer them the grace they should have been showing us. They are family, after all. Until then, friends, keep being yourselves. You are worthy of love just as you are, even when you’re different from your family.

I have a confession to make. In five months I’ll be thirty and my life is nowhere near what I had imagined it to be. Of course I imagined something like the all-American Dream: being successful, getting married, and owning a house. But here I am - not married and sadly living in a wallet-draining apartment. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just stating facts.

In the last year of my twenties, I’ve wasted countless days listening to the harassment of negative thoughts and allowing them to continue to haunt me and ruin my every day.

"He won't marry me.""I am not worthy.""I am not successful.""I will never graduate from college."" I am not smart enough."" I will never make enough money to own my own home."" I AM JUST NOT good enough to successfully complete such dreams."

Yes, I have spent the last year of my twenties battling these thoughts EVERY SINGLE DAY. These thoughts have done nothing for me besides keep me from successfully fulfilling my dreams, so much so, that I haven’t been to school in the last 6 months and I’ve reconsidered why I am even going to school. I've lost touch with the hope of getting married and owning a home. I've settled for just the idea of living in an apartment for the rest of my life.

Worst of all, I've stopped seeing the beauty in life and enjoying how little things such as sunshine, rainbows, and flowers can be so big and exciting to someone like my daughter. Why am I not optimistic like my 9 year old child? When this little sweetie had a really bad cold and couldn’t smell or taste anything, she said to me with eyes full of tears, “Mom, I can’t even smell the flowers!”

Why can’t I be like that? It's not like my daughter doesn't have difficulties in her life. She has some real challenges to overcome. But she doesn't focus on those things. She focuses on the good in her life. Imagine, what it would be like if we lived our lives like she does, and our worst worry was not being able to smell the flowers or enjoy sunshine and rainbows?

Soon enough I’ll be turning 30, and today I am saying NO and refusing to waste another day listening to my negative thoughts. My life story may be written a little differently than others, but I won't let it stop me from continuing to pursue my dreams. It may take a little longer, I may not be where I dreamed I'd be by now, but I am still continuing its course. I won't give up. I'm choosing to focus on the good.

What about you? I know you don't want to waste another day spinning in negativity. You, too, can change your thinking. I dare you to make a change. Say NO to those negative thoughts. Say YES to being optimistic. And tomorrow... how about we both wake up and smell some flowers.?

Recently, I was sitting in a meeting, listening to someone share their story and—WHAM! I was triggered. My breathing slowed, my hands got sweaty, and I began to panic.

Suddenly, memories (and the intense feelings that went with them) came flooding back. It happened in a matter of seconds, and I found myself wanting to flee those old traumatic experiences once more.

When triggers hit, it's hard because they make us feel out of control. They remind us of hurtful things— things we don't want to relive. We can find ourselves reacting in ways we don't want to react, such as lashing out at our friends or pulling away from loved ones. Reacting to triggers in this way doesn't mean we're crazy or that something is wrong with us. It means we're human, and it's a normal response to trauma.

Fortunately, if we're aware of our triggers, we can learn how to respond appropriately. I know when I go to my meeting tomorrow, I am going to face a situation that will trigger those memories again. This time, however, I'm going in prepared. I'm going to take a short walk ahead of time, so I can burn off some of my anxiety. I'm going to take a warm, comforting drink with me and have something in my hand I can fiddle with. These are some of the things that help me stay calm.

Knowing which things help soothe our nerves is helpful in situations such as these. It's also helpful to know our triggers and how they make us respond. Self-regulating can help us avoid the intense feelings and behaviors, and help us choose healthier and more constructive responses.

Every morning you wake up in a fog. Exhaustion overwhelms your body, even though sleep is supposed to relieve it; but that’s not the case for you.

You force yourself to get out of bed in the morning, hoping that stretching your limbs as long and high as you can and expelling your breath from the pits of your lungs will snap you out of it.Your body moves like a sloth. You lack motivation, confidence, and energy. Daily, youfeel sad, asking yourself, “WHY? Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?"

You get yourself to your destination for the day, whether it is work or school, and youare consumed in a fog of exhaustion. You can't focus. People try to communicatewith you, but you can’t seem to gather yourself into a balanced individual.

Because you lack motivation, confidence, and energy, the people around you feel it too. You distance yourself from everyone to try and protect your image, which only makes it a lonely day.

Many of us know this struggle. I know this struggle. This struggle is depression, and it’sexhausting. I have dealt with depression my entire life. For many years, I've struggled andstruggled with knowing how to cope with this illness.

One strategy I've found that helps me cope is to count my blessings...literally. I write down every single joy in my life and what I am thankful for.

Then I write out a list of everything I love and live for... the things that make me the happiest. This tends to be the most motivating thing for me to remember — why I am living.

I also make sure I take time out of each day to spend by myself in spiritual pursuits and self care. Whether that means taking a bubble bath, praying, walking or meditating—I do whatever positive activity I can do in order to get through it.

And guess what? I do get through it, and you can, too, my friend. You can, too.

As Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Believe you can and you’re half way there.” Never let the stigma and exhaustion keep you from believing you can.

Many people, after the deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, are asking each other how such successful people could commit suicide. What could they possibly have been depressed about? Even Anthony Bourdain's mother is questioning his decision. “He had everything. Success beyond his wildest dreams. Money beyond his wildest dreams..."

You might think that success, wealth, and adoring fans could protect you from pain, but they can't. Pain is sneaky, and it will always find a way into someone's life, even if that someone is highly talented and successful.

That's where the problem lies. Pain hides in the shadows, so when we catch glimpses of other people's lives, we often can't see it. We see only what's thrust into the light, and we believe our lives should be just as happy. Then when they aren't, we get worried and discouraged.

Anthony and Kate must have been feeling very discouraged to do what they did. It's too bad they never realized the number of people who would have reached out to help them. Maybe then they wouldn't have chosen the wrong solution for their pain.

Suicide wasn't the solution for their pain. It never is.

Depression likes to lie and tell you that there is no way you can overcome the pain you are feeling in the moment. But it is wrong. Do you know how you can overcome the pain? Look at this picture.

I don't know if you've watched the movie "13 Reasons Why," but here is a scene that shows why suicide is not the answer...13 reasons why...13 people coming together and helping each other get through the moment.

There will always be people who will come alongside and help you through the pain. Always.

All you have to do is let someone know you are struggling. Then you need to believe what they tell you.

You are loved and needed.You are not a burden.You will get through this pain.

Pain is not a death sentence. It's a warning that it's time to reach out.​Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24 Hours) tel:1-800-273-8255

After months of researching bullying and trying to write a story for the victims, I've come to a firm realization: You have a better chance of getting through life if you have a tribe of people who support you.

Life can be downright messy at times, and we're all going to have those days--

Days where our hearts will be hurt by people we care about.Days we don't think we have the energy to face.Days that feel as if we've been dragged through the streets behind a large truck.

During those times we need to reach out and talk to people. We need to find people who will speak words of life and hope into our mess. This is the crucial part.

It's easy to find people who will commiserate with us—grumble and complain whenever we need someone to join us in our misery. It's much harder to find people who will support us in our healing. If you have someone in your life who speaks truth and encouragement over you, hold onto them. Be open to them. Listen to them.

I don't know where I'd be without my tribe. Whenever I'm having "a day," these ladies are a text away. Their words bring comfort and help. I've learned from their advice, and I've cherished their visits to support me. I'm the woman I am today because of the love they've poured into my life.

That's what tribes do—they pour into our lives and help us become stronger. ​

There are times when you think you are going to be riding into the sunset and your illness is in your rear view mirror. Then your illness hits you.

There are moments in life I have felt invincible from my illness. These past couple years I have been promoted multiple times, I have moved multiple times. I had my up and downs but not extreme. That is a lot of stress I got through. I was thinking, "I am a rock star. Maybe I have out grown my illness. Maybe my tools I have built are working and I'm over it."

Then when I thought I have found a future stepping stone that would be great for my future I took it. I switched jobs, I moved towards more family, my schedule is great,I have been on vacations, my life style was supposed to sky rocket. I had the worst episode I have had in years. I could not find enjoyment when it was right in front of me. I was thinking what is wrong with me? I can see that I am suppose to be happy. I know this is what I wanted. Why Can't I be??

This episode I was in lasted for months and during it I could not figure out how to get out of it. I felt like all my tools I have built up were useless. All I kept thinking was fight harder, fight harder. Life can be happy and sad on the outside but my illness is on the inside. Even when you think you are invincible then you are reminded even the strongest need help sometimes. It is ok to ask for it. God knows I needed it. I had to redo a lot of my meds, try everything I had to figure out sleep, figure out how to live outside of my battles in my mind. It felt impossible at times and I have been dealing with this for close to 20 years. I cry sometimes knowing I have to deal with this my entire life.

​ Now I am on the back end of my episode and thank God everyday for that. It is so hard when you are doing great to remind yourself of these times when you just can't. I know I can get better with every episode and try my hardest fighting the good fight because I am strong enough to fight through. Even though I might need help and am reminded of that every time.

Sometimes the battles in our lives are ones that rage within us. Deep within our brain's gray folds, a war of words can take place:

You're not doing well. What a loser!Everything is falling apart.Are you going to eat that?

Unhealthy voices can strike with a vengeance, leaving us cowering and unable to hear the healthy voices within.

Battling these vicious thoughts can be a daily struggle for some of us, but that doesn't mean we are powerless to combat them. The key to surviving these attacks is finding a way to amplify the healthy voices within us.

One way to key into our healthy voice is to share our experiences with a therapist or support group. With proper counsel, we can learn skills for dealing with the negative, as well as skills for developing positive reactions.

Surrounding ourselves with positive people is another way to combat these unhealthy thoughts. Many times the negative thoughts we are having are reflective of our feelings and not reflective of the true situation.

​The truth is, with a little hard work and a lot of endurance, we can come through the struggle as victors. It all comes down to finding a way to support ourselves. If we have a hard time keying into our positive self-talk, we need to find a strategy to help us do it.