(Closed) Help composing a message to a self-inviter?

hey i know we havent talked in a while but am i invited to the wedding? i havent heard anything about it and havent gotten an invite?

Here’s the backstory: She and two other girls were my very best friends in high school, when I started dating my FI. After we graduated she moved across the country to go to college and then went ape sh*t. Seriously. Her mental health is questionable and she refuses to get help for it, even though we have all reached out to her over and over. She moved back home (my hometown) and continues her same self-destructive behaviors, attention seeking, and pattern of bad decision making. I haven’t seen her in almost 3 years and have maybe exchanged 10 texts with her since then. Two other girls sfrom that group of friends are bridesmaids (one is the MOH). Only one of them talks to her at all. I have no desire to invite this girl but what do I say to her? I still want to be nice… we were very close at one point and I hope once she gets her life in order we will be again.

Here’s what I’ve got so far (let me know what you think):

Dear A,

Hi! How are you? I haven’t talked to you in forever! Are you living in ****** still? I hope everything is going well with you and it’s great to hear from you again. 🙂

To answer your question: we made up our guest list in August in order figure out the budget. We hadn’t heard from you in a while so we thought you were no longer living in **** and off doing bigger and better things.. 🙂 We didn’t want to inconvenience you with traveling back from wherever you were to attend the wedding, so we did not include you in the budgeted guest list.

I wish the situaiton was different, but I can’t afford to extend another invitation since we haven’t gotten any RSVPS back yet and I have no idea who of our guest list can come. I have a certain number of people that I cannot go over due to the reception venue’s logistics. If money/space was not an issue there are so many people I would have loved to invite! However, if as the wedding gets closer and we have some spots open up, I’ll let you know! 🙂

Again, it was great to hear from you! Take care,

Melissa

OK, that last paragraph was a lie… our venue can hold 500 people and our guest list is 180… but I thought by saying that space was the reasoning that would block her from offering to pay her way (which is what I’ve had some individuals do once they learn that the budget is what is keeping our numbers down).

What do you all think? I hope that my first paragraph made it clear that her request was completely out of the blue, considering we haven’t talked in so long..

Personally, I think it sounds like you’re trying way too hard. She wrote you a blunt, to-the-point message asking if she was invited to the wedding. I think it would be totally okay to write her a blunt, to-the-point message in return. I don’t think you need to explain yourself so much.

Something like, “Dear X, Unfortunately we are unable to invite everyone we would like to… I hope you can understand and hope that you’re doing well!”

You should not invite someone you haven’t seen or talked to regularly in the past 3 years. Don’t cave.

I think you are over explaining things and she may interpret she’s invited if you have a low RSVP number.

I’d be a little more direct, and keep it short and sweet. Something like, “Due to space and budget restrictions, we had to limit things to family and our closest friends. I hope you understand” That way, nothing is open to interpretation.

I’m sure you feel super awkward about this but giving a huge reply and ending it with a possibility of an invite coming her way is just even more awkward. She’ll find out that the wedding is in a huge space and then it’ll just be worse.

I think it’s best just to be straight forward. I like ME Team’s wording of “Unfortunately we are unable to invite everyone we would like to… I hope you can understand and hope that you’re doing well!”

@Mrs. Meowerson: EXACTLY! We are just sending the save the dates out right now but I would think if you didn’t get one that’s a pretty good indication you aren’t invited.. Also, since I don’t even know where you live currently….

Speaking from experience, if you don’t want to invite her, don’t be wishy-washy – or she will keep asking for updates (ie: an invitation) right up until the wedding. I’d keep it short and sweet – thank her for her well wishes and say you’ve already made the guest list.

Yeah, I’m not really a fan of this: ‘We hadn’t heard from you in a while so we thought you were no longer living in **** and off doing bigger and better things.. 🙂 We didn’t want to inconvenience you with traveling back from wherever you were to attend the wedding, so we did not include you in the budgeted guest list.’

I would take that part out and keep it simple like the others said. Don’t give too much information and hang yourself…ya know? Just say due to budget and size restraints you unfortunately weren’t able to invite everyone you wanted to.

I think you’re providing her way too much information, and you’re sort of insinuating that you would have invited her, and might invite her in the future. None of that is really necessary. I agree with pp, and here’s what I would write:

Dear A,

Unfortunately, we had to limit our guest list and weren’t able to invite everyone. I hope you understand and I hope all is well with you!