"Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff"
By Mike Rothschild
LIGHTS UP on Mike and Jeff.
JEFF
So I went to "Munich" the other day.
MIKE
Just so we're clear, you mean "Munich" the movie, not Munich
the city, right?
JEFF
Yeah, the movie. Did you think I meant the city?
MIKE
I just didn't want to get into a thing where you were talking
about the city and I was talking about the movie or you were
talking about the movie and I was talking about the city.
JEFF
I'm talking about the movie. Are you talking about the city?
MIKE
I'm not talking about either one. You're talking about the
movie.
JEFF
Right. We can talk about the city, if you want.
MIKE
I've never been there.
JEFF
Neither have I.
MIKE
Then how can we talk about it?
JEFF
I don't know, you're the one who brought it up.
MIKE
You brought up the movie and...ok, I'm stopping this right
now. Tell me what you thought of "Munich."
JEFF
I just told you, I've never been there.
MIKE
THE MOVIE! "MUNICH" THE MOVIE!
JEFF
Oh, right. It was ok. Lots of violence, explosions, gun
fights. A naked pregnant chick. That was kind of cool.
MIKE
That was the main character's wife.
JEFF
I wouldn't kick her out of bed. Not that I'd kick a pregnant
woman, because she'd probably get really protective...
MIKE
Stop. So, overall, it's a good movie?
JEFF
Sure, except for the glaring historical inaccuracies.
MIKE
That's a matter of debate. Some say the targets of the
Israeli assassin team weren't involved in the Munich plot and
the killings were basically done for the sake of vengeance.
JEFF
I found an even bigger historical inaccuracy. The assassins
didn't exist at all.
MIKE
Well, they are composite characters...
JEFF
Come on, Mike. Everyone knows Jews don't kill people. That
was totally made up for the movie.
MIKE
What are you talking about? Jews kill people!
JEFF
Nope. Jews do not kill people.
MIKE
That's ridiculous. Israel has a massive army and one of the
most feared special ops units in the world.
JEFF
Then why would they hire James Bond to kill the terrorists?
MIKE
Bond?
JEFF
James Bond! He was one of your so-called "Israeli hitmen."
MIKE
No, that's Daniel Craig, the actor playing the new James
Bond. He's not really James Bond.
JEFF
Well yeah, he was undercover. He can't just go around telling
people who he is. 007 doesn't do that kind of thing.
MIKE
007 isn't real. But the Israeli assassins were real.
JEFF
Why don't we put that aside for the moment, since you're
obviously having delusions.
MIKE
Obviously.
JEFF
Another huge inaccuracy was the Israeli leader.
MIKE
What about her?
JEFF
She was a woman!
MIKE
Yeah, Golda Meir. She was the Israeli Prime Minister.
JEFF
Come on, that's totally unbelievable. What nation would elect
a woman as its leader? That's just absurd.
MIKE
I really like how in the space of three minutes, you've
managed to insult Jews, pregnant women and women in general.
By all means, keep going.
JEFF
I'm just trying to clear up the historical record. It's not
like Spielberg's other movies aren't rife with inaccuracy.
MIKE
Like what?
JEFF
Ok, "War Of The Worlds?" Have you ever seen an alien tripod?
I know I haven't. "AI?" Where's my robot? And in "The
Terminal" Tom Hanks is from a country that doesn't even
exist! How can someone be from a country that doesn't exist?
MIKE
Those movies are fiction! They never pretended to be based in
fact! "Munich" is based on historical events, but with
dramatic license. What's so hard to believe about that?
JEFF
There's no getting around the historically accepted fact that
Jewish people don't kill people. You're Jewish, right?
MIKE
Yeah...
JEFF
Then kill me.
MIKE
Gladly.
Mike gets up, as if to kill Jeff.
JEFF
What are you doing?
MIKE
Killing you.
JEFF
I didn't really mean "kill me."
MIKE
No, no. You wanted me to kill you, so I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to prove to you that Jews are just as capable of
murder as anyone else by choking you to death!
JEFF
I thought Jews were a non-violent, logical people.
MIKE
No, you're thinking of Vulcans.
JEFF
And I suppose Jews aren't covered in fur and live on a planet
of giant trees.
MIKE
Wookies.
JEFF
Man, I'm really confused. I need a vacation. Maybe I'll go to
Munich.
BLACKOUT

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