A well intentioned rant about the current state of Advertising, with particular emphasis on Big Dumb Agencies (BDA's) Because, no matter how bad you think it is, it's actually a great deal worse!
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill pail." George Orwell.

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I am disappointed… Ney, totally fucking stunned that during the course of a six minute interview with Lee Clow, on AdAge’s Creativity, about how the legendary 1984 spot came about, Lee went on and on about how he and Ridley Scott came up with and produced the world’s most famous commercial. Not a single fucking mention of Steve Hayden… Until two minutes and 53 seconds into the film, when Steve Jobs introduces the spot at an Apple event, and gives credit to Chiat, Lee, and Steve. Who just happened to shoot the whole thing at Shepperton Studios in London, while Lee was back in LA, surfing, or playing fucking tennis, or something. Jesus, Lee. Steve Hayden never, ever fails to give you the respect you deserve. Don’t leave it to a dead guy to give Steve the respect he deserves.

In spite of bringing in a new CD, who happened to be a miniature white pony, Miller has decided that the work Draft/FCB has been doing for Miller Lite is shit. They also decided that stepping in piles of horse shit while visiting the agency to look at the shitty efforts on their beer account wasn’t worth the trouble. So, they’ve brought in Saatchi to “assist!” Which is off course, code for… “You are about to be fucked.” Laurence Boschetto is quoted as saying… “We are going to Man Up. Fuck little ponies (don’t quote me on that.) I am in negotiations to buy a giant Clydesdale. Wait ‘till that fucker gets in the office. I’ll even let it shit in the “Corner Gym.” To celebrate, Michael Roth immediately awarded himself another “Performance” bonus!

Hurry out and pick up today’s edition of the New York Post… ‘Cos in it is a lovely “Sharp Stick in the Eye” piece by Claire Atkinson… “Hissy Fit Over GM’s Brit Agency.” The only person quoted in the whole piece is an “Advertising Consultant” by the name of George Fucking Parker! Ha, wonder if Wendi had anything to do with it? Word on the street is that Joel’s phone is now hacked. Claire did a nice job of digging up the fact that the rancid Aegis network has a history of financial “mishaps,” the FuhrerNozzle of its German operation was jailed in 2010, and a client filed suit against the agency. Nice work Joel. What a bloody Wanker!

In its never ending quest to scrape the bottom of the barrel, creatively, Draft/FCB has now filled the bottom of the barrel with a few tons of horse shit. And yes… Hands up to Agency Spy for pointing me in the direction of this fucking travesty. Apparently, it all has something to do with a competition that is intended to encourage employees to “submit ideas that will drive agency culture.” This video will leave you speechless as agency fucktards arse about with a miniature pony, embarrassing themselves in a non-stop drive to get invited for late night cocktails in Laurence's “Corner Gym!” What the fuck ever happened to all those “Creative Rumbles?” Would someone please dig up “Idgy.” And just when the fuck will Draft/FCB stop posting its retarded videos on YouTube? Do they honestly believe anyone in their right fucking mind would think they are something less than embarrassing?

Talking about TechNozzles, I read that Google, PayPal, MS and AOL -- along with 11 others such as Facebook and LinkedIn, as well as the Bank of America and Fidelity Investments, have a plan to stop phishing attacks. Something called DMARC.org was unveiled by them today They claim it can, through policy-based steps, filter out email that attackers use for phishing. OK, I have no idea what that means, but if it works fine. However, no mention of Twitter, and that’s where I get phished rotten. And yes, I think Twitter is a giant wank, populated by brain dead people with nothing else to do. SO, why do I use it? To flog books. ‘Cos I am an AdHo. Do I have to explain everything?

One of the things you have to admire about the billionaire geeks in Silicon Valley, is not just having all those billions socked away in numbered Swiss bank accounts while wearing ragged jeans and thrift store hoodies. No, it’s the arrogant way they lie through their teeth while expecting we should believe every word. Just last week at the RichTards fest in Davos, Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook said “The most important aspects of Facebook becoming a public company are the jobs growth and social change it represents.” Right Sheryl, and the fact that Facebook’s millionaires will become instant billionaires has nothing to do with this welling of social consciousness. She also said Facebook is barely seven years old and has 3,000 employees—and it has created more than 450,000 jobs in Europe and the US. And exactly what jobs would they be? It’s like they now claim they are about to crack the one billion user barrier. Who the fuck says so? Oh, that’s right, Facebook says so. Total bullshit. And I know bullshit!

You do have to wonder just what the fuck goes on in the heads of the CMO Nozzles making increasingly dumb decisions. No, I’m not talking about Joel at GM here, I’m referring to CMO Brett Keller of Priceline. As you know, they have just “killed-off” the “Negotiator,” William Shatner as their spokesman. The reason? According to KellerNozzle… ‘Cos he’s worked like gangbusters in the 14 years he’s been doing it. In other words, he’s been too successful. Or as the numb nuts puts it… "One of the challenges we face is that Bill is so awesome and so closely associated with Priceline that we needed to grab back consumers' attention." Yes, they want to emphasize a new offering, from name-your-own-price deal Shatner has peddled. SO? Just change the message. This is not rocket science. Remember, they killed off Mr. Whipple, within a couple of years they had to bring him back. My forecast… Shatner will return.

Curious... This Priceline mechanism appears to have no Dilithium crystals.

Once again, someone over at MediaPost.com has come up with the claim that social media impacts the effectiveness of Super Bowl TV spots, and that this, in turn, drives up the cost of a buy. Apparently NBC tracks a slew of factors to determine the increased value of a Super Bowl spot. (Well they would, wouldn’t they? It’s on their fucking network.) Besides using firms that track traffic and opinions on social media, the impact on a company's sales and stock price after the game are gauged. Last year spots from Anheuser-Busch, Doritos and Volkswagen were the three most popular according to the USA Today Ad Metter. And… Each advertisers' share price closed slightly higher the day after the game. Now, if you believe fucktard football fans watched a crappy Doritos spot, then called their broker and bought a shitload of stock in PepsiCo, I have a fucking bridge in Brooklyn you might be interested in.

The only thing worse than local car dealer TV spots, are local political ads (OK, and a lot of national ones too.) But here’s one that takes the cake. It’s a campaign ad for Republican congressional candidate Mark Oxner from Champions Gate, Florida, which I am told is just one giant retirement home on an enormous fucking golf course. This epic has everything: Really cheesy CGI. An “homage” to a Cialis ad for old geezers looking for the occasional rogering. A Guy in a Fawkes mask, who is obviously a Communist. And little “slave” kids chained to the oars in a galley. But Mark, a word of advice… Before you stick your mug on the obligatory note at the end of the spot, invest in a better toupee!

When I signed on for this shit, I was seven years old and they told me it was a one day shot!

Yes… It’s finally happening… Facebook will file papers for an initial public offering as early as next week and is looking at a deal that would value the social network between $75 billion to $100 billion. Gasp fucking gasp. I am so excited, my Depends are leaking at the seams. Firstly, ‘cos ZuckerNozzle will become the richest guy in the universe, and will actually have more money than Larry Ellison has buried in the back yard of his Woodside Ninja Palace. Meanwhile, his sister, Randi ZuckerNozzle, was singing for free drinks in Davos, with all the other rich wankers (including the Poisoned Dwarf) that never worked an honest day in their lives. Just how the fuck do you get to join this club? In the meantime, check out this Henry Blodget piece on a conversation at Davos between a couple of RichNozzles about whether it's better to buy a brand new $65 million plane, or a refurbished one. Problems… Problems…