How The Illithid Stole Lolthmas, Part One

Prepare yourself for four full days of D&D related wankery. For edification purposes, “Illithid” is an even dorkier way to say Mind Flayer. As for Mind Flayers, this comic tells you pretty much everything you need to know.

I tend to think of DS games by the number of times I have to charge the device. Superficially, it seems like a time metric - but it’s more a metric of personal investment. It has a naturalistic vibe, like analyzing tree rings or something. The life of even a single charge on any DS model is long enough that if you play the battery down all the way once, you aren’t talking about an insignificant amount of time. Not every game warrants it, but if I have to recharge it once, the odds increase substantially that I’ll be charging it again.

I’m at the point with Zelda: Spirit Tracks now where I’m just sort of teasing it, playing for a few minutes and saving, repeating the process, scooting it around the plate, snacking but not eating. I’m almost afraid to engage with it because I’m be heading to Spokane (“Satan’s Colon”), and I’m certain that opportunities to play it will be few and far between. Plus, I never feel entirely comfortable charging devices there because the bulk of the energy production is generated entirely by human tears which flow ceaselessly over black turbines. Leisure time is in short supply because every being must render up a daily anguish quota. I hope to succeed in this endeavor, but in all likelihood I will be decapitated by Spokane’s demonic regent, Chancellor Decapitus.

For your Child’s Play Update, I am pleased to report that we’ve reached $1,394,519.57, which is very high as numbers go. When you decouple it from raw numerics and instead think of it as a truly gigantic pile of rad toys, it becomes difficult not to smile reflexively. We have succeeded at our general goal, which is to rock, and rock hard - but the bonus objective remains.

Maybe I’m hung up on this number, last year’s gaudy $1,434,377, clucking and strutting around like it owns the place. Maybe I shouldn’t think about it in game terms, like a high score or something, but I can’t help it. The metaphor runs in my blood, as I suspect is common among our people, and I speak now to that blood: be known. We’re so close that an eyelid’s flutter will send us over the top.