Question

My toddler wants only his father. What should I do?

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My 15-month-old loves his dad and all but ignores me. He gets excited when Daddy comes home, cries when he leaves, and walks around saying 'Daddy' all day long. I love the fact that he's so excited about his father, but I can't help feeling a little jealous. After all, I spend all day with him, get up with him every night, give him all his meals and baths, and spend a lot of time playing with him. Does anyone else have this problem?

Mom Answers

Brazelton, a pediatrician, writes that a young child goes through periods of parental favoritism to experiment with his attachment to both parents. If he feels secure in his attachment to mom, then he doesn't worry about keeping her close. The hypervigilance he shows to dad's presence may indicate that he is concerned about dad leaving. As far as I know, this is a theory that hasn't been proven. BUT, it has been comforting to me as I've become second fiddle to my husband. I am a psychologist (although I don't directly work with kids). I do know that it's important to validate your child's feelings. So, say things like "you really want daddy" or "your daddy really loves you". It can be harmful for a child if they are placed in the position of needing to prove their love for you or comfort you. Spend as much time on the floor eye-to-eye with your child as you can and take it day by day. Take care of yourself. These forums are great for support. parenting can be really hard.

I'm in the same situation... but I'm the dad, and it kills me to see my son lash out at my wife/his mom. Since my son was about 4-months old, he would frequently reach for me when in my wife's arms... now he's 26 months. In the past two years, the urgency of his preference has waxed and waned, but he still often tells Mom to "Go away," and will even try to push her away so that we can be together. No matter how much I tell him that Mom is our friend, that she loves him very much, he resists her. When I'm not around, they seem to get along pretty well, and have the normal ups and downs that I have with him when I'm alone with him. We don't know what to do. My wife is clearly suffering from the rejection of her child. And it's really taking a toll on our marriage, too. I don't know how to mediate/bridge the two of them... Nearly everything we've read say that this is "temporary" or "a phase," but it's been pretty consistent for 2 years now. Any thoughts?

My son is 18 months old. My husband and I both work full time. Just recently my son does not want anything to do with me. He prefers everyone and anyone but me. He kicks and screams if I pick him up and runs away from me. It breaks my heart; especially as a first time mom. My husband says that it is a phase, but our son has always preferred him. What can I do to feel closer to my son?

Has experts from the "Baby Center" ever responded to this chain of emails? I have a 13 month old son and I too am experiencing this right now: the stronger attachment to Daddy. Like some others, he also shows preference to his daycare provider that he goes to 2 days a week and with my parents who watch him one day week. It is such a crushing feeling and you do feel like you are a terrible Mom. Has anyone found any good web site that would explain this? All I find is links to the condition called RAD (Reactive Assortment Disorder) which I don't think our kids have. It would just be nice to have some good material to read on this subject.

We are in this boat together. I own a daycare center with100 kids & I am also a new mom with a 1 yr old son. I too experience the daddy's boy syndrome & If I may offer any encouragement..."This too shall pass". My son loves daddy & will knock me down to get to him. It use to bother me in the beginning, but rest assured "Mommy" will be a household name just like McDonalds. A few suggestions to help moms not to feel left out: 1. Have a favorite game that you play with your child & don't be afraid to be silly. Get on the child's level. 2. Create a special song that you sing to them (my is, You are my sunshine & sing it often. 3. Have mommy son/daughter day. Spend a few hours together, personal time, park, a stroll, backyard picnic, make sure you do things on their level (not running errands) 4. Make feeding time, your bonding time, give them their bottle/sippy cup in your arms & give eye contact. 5. Your touch is important & soothing, even if they push u away. Stay encouraged

Rose, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one. My job allows me to work 2-3 12 hour shifts a week, so I get to stay home with my 15 month old son most of the time. However, he is so attached to his Dad. I came home early from work one day and he was actually crying, scooting up to his Dad. He tries to jump out of my arms to get to his Dad and cries when Daddy walks away. It really made me feel like a failure as a Mom. It's comforting to hear that there are other people out there. My son is incredibly strong willed, and we're trying to teach him that he can't play one of us against the other. We're trying to put up a united front and share in the discipline. Still, I know my husband feels bad. I'm newly pregnant again and part of me thinks, well... at least this baby might love me. I know that's sad, but I think all Mom's have the desire to be #1 in their kids lives. It makes you feel as though the 9 months you carried them and ruined your body counted for something that no one else could give. I know he loves me and his Dad, I just wish it could be more balanced

enjoy the free time you get when your toddler is with his father. I do.
Also, if your toddler spends the day with dad and you leave for the day then you will see that s/he will want you as badly as s/he wants his/her dad now. This week I was away for a couple of days and when I returned he totally ignored dad.

I work outside of the home and my partner stays home with our 2 year old son. They also spend a lot of time with his aunt during the week. Our son has gotten to the point that if he sees me he screams NO! He will cling to one of them and do what he can to get me away from him. He wants nothing to do with me when I arrive from work. When he lets me, I play with him and we always have a good time. I just cannot understand why he behaves like he does toward me. Sometimes it is embarrassing especially if other people are around. I have to wonder if they are "thinking gee what kind of mother are you that your son wants nothing to do with you?" Any suggestions?

My 15 month old son is VERY attached to his dad. I don't think it is the thing about missing the parent that is not around much because I am the parent not around as much. My husband works but gets off alot earlier than I do so he gets to spend the afternoon with him. I get home a couple of hours later and then try to spend time with him. But he usually just wants his dad or his stepsister. It seems as though my child prefers anyone but me. I am generally the disciplinarian though so I guess it could be that. but anyway it is very distressing to me and would like to know if anyone else is going through the same thing.

i have the same problem as most. my son prefers daddy over me. in fact he prefers daddy, grandma, nana (grandma #2), AND oupa (grandpa) all over me. he SCREAMS if i try to pick him up or do anything when anyone else is around. the grandparents all watch him a couple days a week because my husband and i both work. he has one job and is in school, i have a full time and a part time AND im 6 1/2 months along on our second. i really dont think it is possible that he has his preference because he spends all day with me and misses everyone else because he doesnt spend hardly any quality time with me (he is 16 months old). i feel like the time i DO get with him is a waste of my effort because im not allowed to touch him at all. this whole situation depresses me because i feel like a horrible mother not being able to be there for my son, having to have grandparents help raise him. but i dont think there is anything i can do until my husband finishes school and gets a better paying job. the sad truth is we need the income and free childcare. i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. to top the whole situation off, i cannot get my in-laws (nana and oupa) to help raise my son how WE the PARENTS want him to be raised (they baby him way more than necissary) and this just adds to the burden of guilt because i feel like its my fault for not being able to be there to raise him myself. i dont know what to do! if anyone has any suggestions, please please please share your thoughts. jina_naude@yahoo.com

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