Intangible. Untouchable. All things to some People. And a laughable concept to everyone else…

When Vanishing Spray Goes Bad

“Not fit to be allowed on a football pitch”, said the spray about the referees…Good Morning.

No, this short piece isn’t about some lurid, sensationalist ‘documentary’ that The Clumpany saw on an obscure TV channel last night.

No, this is about a growing suspicion in Clumpany Towers that the much-heralded introduction of vanishing spray into Scottish football during February last season had some unforeseen side effects…

Testing apparently took place amid tight security and the wearing of hazmat suits.

“Hazmat suits?” you ask. “Why bother? Vanishing spray was used in the World Cup last year without problems.”

Ah, but this wasn’t any old vanishing spray. This was special experimental vanishing spray.

The salesman said that not only did it mark a line behind which defenders must stand, but it also automatically measured out 10 yards from the ball and shouted“Oi you! Yes YOU! Get back!” if anyone tried to encroach beyond the line. “Aw vanishing spray is not for you. It’s more of a Shelbyville idea…”

It looked like the future of football!

But sadly it didn’t work out.

The 4000 barrels were rusty and sprang leaks.

The boring old World Cup vanishing spray was used instead, and the possibility of a Glorious Innovation was lost.

“But what about the leaking barrels?”, you ask.

“Who cleaned them up? Why wasn’t anything in the papers about it?”

Now therein lies a tale…

Thankfully the substance posed absolutely no threat to people, animals or plant life.

But it is rumoured to have had some unforeseen side effects.

The trial took place in the Govan area, and since the leak there have been repeated incidents of ‘vanishing’ at Sevco, including the disappearance of

the Somers-led board

the Nomad

the stock exchange listing

promotion hopes

a large number of players

the war chest

the promised over-investment; and

the Auditor

There are also rumours of various encumbered assets possibly vanishing in the near future.