“I swear if he says that again he is going to find barbed wire in his budgie smugglers. Let’s see how prickly he is then. Over here Prime Minister.”

“Been up to a few things since you have been away Peta. Got rid of the whip. I think Phil is losing it. Can’t count. How could 39 people vote against me? Must have counted wrongly. Can’t have a whip who can’t count.”

“Have you finished your revenge yet PM or are there some more heads to roll?”

“Well I am listening to the back bench these days as I said so I can’t really demote any of them. Was thinking about crippling a few of the people Rupert thinks are rivals. Thought I would sack the speaker Bronwyn Bishop and give Julie Bishop her job. Saves money. Just cross out ‘Bronwyn’ on the business cards, and write in ‘Julie’.”

“What about Malcolm Turnbull, or Malcolm Turncoat as you like to call him?”

“Was thinking about that. Do you think he would accept the role of Ambassador to Indonesia? We seem to have upset them somehow.”

“Probably not. That job is as popular as Ambassador to Ukraine. You were thinking of creating a Minister for the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. Still hot on that thought bubble?”

“I mentioned it to Mathias Cormann and he wanted it. Said it would fit with his Minister of Finance role. That is where all the money is.”

“How is the budget coming along?”

“This years or last years?”

“I think the last one is dead, buried and cremated. I was talking about the one in May. Any new head explosions?”

“Still like the GP co-payment thing but we need to sell it better. I was thinking of calling it an environmental levy. Sort of carbon tax for the medical practices.”

“But Prime Minister, you promised to repeal carbon taxes. Wouldn’t this be another broken promise?”

“Who cares. The punters have short memories. We just blame Labor for leaving this mess of free medicine and we have to be the ones who act like adults.”

“I have a nephew who is 4 and claims he acts like an adult too. Doesn’t mean he is one.”

“Is there some other name we could call it. Scotty suggested a’Turn back the Boats Tax’ or a ‘Nehru Humanitarian Levy’. I still like the environmental thingy. Drives the Greens mad when I do that. Take the high ground on environmental issues.”

“Speaking of the environment PM, has anything happened on Direct Action?”

“Nah. It was never going to work, so nobody is hassling me to get it implemented. Clever policy that.”

“Being PM is very demanding as you know Peta. Lots of decisions and sometimes I just loose track. Did I make Scotty the Treasurer or is Joe still there? Not seen much of Joe for weeks.”

“No PM. Joe is still Treasurer. Remember you asked Scott Morrison to take on the job but he said he could cut the deficit much more if you gave him Social Services.”

“Now I remember. Scotty is contributing more to reducing the deficit than Joe is. Can we include Defence, the Arts and Foreign Aid in his portfolio.”

“Not much point PM. You seem to have gutted them already. Remember you are giving the contract for new submarines to the Japanese.”

“Had to promise those South Australians I would give them a peek at getting the contract so they would vote for me. Will they be surprised that one of the contract conditions is that each sub has to have a whale harpoon mounted on the conning tower.”

“Very scientific Prime Minister. One other thing on subs. Can you please not use the line that the South Australian Submarine Corporation is a bottom of the harbour scheme.”

“I thought it was hilarious. Seems to have upset Kauri though.”

“Senator Pyne is under a lot of stress these days PM. His education reforms are not going well. His comment when asked about $100k degrees seems to have been misrepresented.”

“What did he say?”

“He called it petty cash and said if you couldn’t afford $100k you didn’t deserve a degree.”

“Julie doesn’t talk to me much these days. Maybe I should make her a backbencher so she can get me to listen to her. She forwarded a strange message from Putin. He said if I tried to ShirtFront him, he would SpeedoFront me. Any idea what he meant?”

“I will ask the Russian Ambassador to clarify.” Note to self. Remember to take double the dose of sleeping tablets tonight so I don’t dream about SpeedoFronting.

“Anyway PM, what is on the agenda today?”

“Thought I might go on a bike ride. You know when I did that week long trip, it proved I was one of the boys.”

“Funny you should mention that. We have a plan for you to get out with the plebs and show you are one of them. We have a bike ride organised from Adelaide via Perth to Darwin for you PM. You can then spend a week or three on an Aboriginal settlement in the Simpson Desert. We follow that up with 2 weeks in Nauru and finally a trip down the Murray in a rowboat to meet the people.”