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What things do you wish you’d done differently in a current or past relationship?

When
you realize everything you thought about love and marriage and
relationships and sacrifice was crap, you tend to ponder a bit on what
the hell went wrong. And you spend a lot of time reflecting on what you’ll do differently next time around, should you be so lucky to find love again.

And oh man, are there things I plan on doing differently next time.
One of those things has already taken care of itself, since I now
believe it’s a bad idea to get married as a teenager. Sure, lots of
those relationships work out just fine, but it’s a gamble to get married
as kids. You haven’t figured out exactly who you are going to be yet,
and then what happens if you grow in fundamentally different directions?
Besides, take it from me, the hormones of teenagerhood allow you to
overlook a lot of red flags just because you’re sooooo in looooove.

Anyway, in addition to being older and wiser before deciding to tie
the knot again, here are some other things I’ll do differently next time
around.

Date longer. My first husband and I never dated. We
went straight from being friends to being engaged. We got married seven
months later. I used to think it was romantic, but now I see that we
never had an opportunity to get to know each other well enough to make a
logical decision about spending the rest of our lives together.

Say no more often ... and mean it. I’m a people
pleaser by nature, so it’s hard for me to say no. More often than not
I’d cave about something important to me just to avoid hurt feelings.

Let him own his emotions. I’d like him to be happy
with me, of course, but it’s not my job to make him happy. And it’s not
my fault if he’s angry/upset/stressed/etc. I can just do my best -- I can't fix him.

Share interests. I used to think opposites
attracted. And maybe they do. But you have to share some common
interests; otherwise, what can you do to re-bond when you go through
rough patches?

Stop feeling guilty. So what if the laundry didn’t
get done, or dinner was drive-thru, or I just didn’t feel like getting
frisky? It doesn’t mean I failed, it means I’m tired.

Don’t ignore the small things. Small things turn
into big things, unless you nip them in the bud. Or at least address
them and come to some sort of compromise.

Understand autonomy. We will always be two separate
people, with our own thoughts, ideas, and opinions. We don’t have to
agree on everything to be a united couple.

Wait longer before kids. I’d like more kids someday,
and God willing, it will happen. If my bio clock ticks out before I
meet the right person, that’s cool too, since I already have two awesome
daughters. But I’d like to enjoy the newlywed stage without morning
sickness next time around, since the first time I got pregnant about
four seconds after we said “I do.”

Ask only for love. I used to joke that it was
usually easier to ask for forgiveness than permission when I wanted to
do something I knew my husband would disapprove of. Writing this list, I
thought I’d reverse it, but that’s not quite right either. I don’t want
to ask his “permission” for anything. I just want him to love me -- for
all my awesome parts, my broken parts, and even my penchant to splurge
occasionally on an expensive pair of jeans.

What things do you wish you’d done differently in a current or past relationship?

All of those apply to me. I married the wrong person. We each thought the other was someone else. But I would be more patient in communicating my wishes to him. I was flabbergasted when I realized that he saw his behavior as normal and appropriate. He could not take shame. Once he started treating me badly he had to continue it and convince himself that I deserved it, in order to justify his previous behavior.

I wish I had been more aware of how much a man's family should be taken into consideration when deciding who to marry. Sure, there will be bad apples in any family, but I should have been more cautious about the ones who would affect my life and the man who would allow it.

I wish i had left my last dh as soon as he had the first affair. Instead i stuck it out thinking i could fix him and just ended up with 10 years worth of affairs and emotional damage and three kids who now have a broken home like i had growing up.

Quoting markswife03: I wish I had been more aware of how much a man's family should be taken into consideration when deciding who to marry. Sure, there will be bad apples in any family, but I should have been more cautious about the ones who would affect my life and the man who would allow it.

With my first marriage I went in thinking I could help change him into a better person. I was 19 and honestly there is not a thing I could've done differently, he needed and still needs intense therapy.

Now with my current SO.

When I starting dating him I made sure he was a guy I didn't want to change.

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