8.20.2014

some people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone, but that does not always mean they are supposed to get it back

Why is a huge glass of water so much more delicious right before I go to bed than it would be at any other time of the day?
I had an odd experience the other night. Was dozing, not quite sleeping yet but nearly there. Out of the blue, had a very strong memory of the way I felt when my college boyfriend, Russ, left. We'd dated for a few months, and he very suddenly disappeared. His roommates came to me looking for him, because he'd left bills unpaid and had taken most but not all of his stuff from their house. He quit his job. He was just gone.

I was devastated. I drank too much and too often anyway, but it got really bad then. I drank all the time, refused to leave the apartment, and literally growled at my roommates if the used the phone because he might call. I waited every night on the front step for him to come back, dead-drunk, wrapped in a comforter (it was mid-August and hot as Hell).

Eighteen days later, he did come back. Well, he called. His explanation was sketchy, but I was far too relieved to pay much attention. After the briefest protest at his absence, I was back, deeper than ever. I agreed to meet him at his friend's apartment, where he was staying.

The next morning, I left for work (at the job I still had, by the skin of my teeth), grateful and happy and over the moon.

I never saw him again.

The other night, I felt anew that kick to the jaw. He'd done worse than just to leave me. To come back and leave again was beyond destructive and arrogant and cruel.

I sat at the edge of my bed, tears in my eyes, heart in my throat, realizing that I can't forgive myself for having been fooled like that.

Why do our hearts, minds, and souls work that way, I wonder? Russ is long gone. I rarely even recall him; three months is nothing in the scheme of things. I even learned from what happened.

Nights can be so very dark, though.
August has been weird. I was out of town for nearly half of it, and have been engaged in very un-me activities for the rest of it. Life-changing. Nothing worth talking about, yet, but prehaps soon. That's why I've been quiet, anyway.

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