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Indian civil servant called in to partition Britain

It was today announced that Mr Ranjit Singh, a middle ranking official from the Ministry of Agriculture in Delhi, has been given the job of partitioning Britain.

“We take this decision with great reluctance,” said Prime Minister Modi, “but after yet another day of disturbances, it has become clear to us that the Leave and Remain camps will never be able to come to an accommodation and live peaceably side by side. We have therefore concluded that partition is the only way to prevent further strife.”

He went on to say that he had every confidence Mr Singh would do an excellent job. The civil servant, however, expressed astonishment at his appointment, as he has never visited Britain and knows very little about the country.

“Besides, the more I look into it, it’s impossible. Even in places like London that were strongly for Remain, there’s a substantial minority for Leave. Where the hell am I supposed to draw the boundary? I guess I will follow tradition and put on my blindfold, pencil in hand…”

He went on to say he was worried future generations would hold him responsible for the carnage that was bound to ensue as the exodus of Leave voters from London, pulling their meagre belongings behind them in hand-drawn carts, met the small band of Remain voters from Thurrock going the other way.

He also said the division of national assets was proving difficult as the two camps couldn’t agree about Mourinho’s Manchester United, each feeling the other side should be lumbered with it.