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12 May 2015

UK General Election 2015 - A View from the Asylum

Well, that was a jolly little election wasn’t it? The polls
got it wrong. Or was it the Poles? (Blasted foreigners coming over here and
taking away our sense of reality).

But then I thought the anti-immigration sentiment encouraged
by UKIP had had some effect when I was told something about Exit Poles, only to
discover I’d got the spelling wrong, and an Exit Poll was a system of finding
out how people had actually voted (as
opposed to how they said they would vote.

The Exit Polls told us that all the other polls had been
wrong, and that far from being faced with a “Hung Parliament” (some say hanging
is too good for them) there would probably be a Conservative government with a
workable majority.

The trouble was that we had all learned to believe the
earlier polls, and now we had the Exit Poll none of us believed it. Indeed
one-time leader of the Liberal Democrats, Paddy Ashdown said if the Exit Poll
was right he’d eat his hat. So far as I know this has not yet actually happened.
A dollop of custard might help it go down, and it would be appropriately in
line with the Party colour.

So, in the end we did finish up with a Conservative
Government, and now David Cameron (left) has got to learn how to govern without the
moderating influence of the Liberal Democrats.

I’m sure we are all going to
enjoy the ride, and I recommend we all hang on tightly and try not to scream
too loudly. It’s going to be a scary ride for Cameron himself as he now heads a
government with hugely reduced majority compared to the one enjoyed by the
previous Coalition.

Many of the swivel-eyed loons on the Conservative back
benches that John Major used to refer to as “the Bastards” are still there
ready to kick up a rumpus over membership of the EU.

Once again we have gone through an electoral process that is
increasingly falling to bits, as more and more Parties build up a following. “First-past-the-Post”
cannot in any way be deemed as democratic
in a multi-party environment. I’ve never been a great fan of either UKIP or the
SNP, but they’ve thrown into sharp focus the ludicrous nature of our system.

One and a half million people voted for the SNP and got 56
seats. Nearly four million people voted UKIP and got 1 seat (they had two
before, so that’s a 50% reduction). Who is going to tell me that this makes any
kind of sense?

Under a proportional system the Conservatives would still
have won (with about 250 seats), Labour would have come second (with about 200
seats), UKIP would have come third (with about 70 seats) and the Liberal Democrats
would have come fourth (with about 50 seats). SNP and Green Party would also
have been represented but with fewer than 50 seats.

What do I think of Cameron?

As the results from our ridiculous system came rolling in,
it soon became obvious that the Exit Poll was actually spot on, and as the day
after the night before began to shine its Tory-blue light into our bleary eyes,
our ears picked up a strange sound, rather like dead flies falling on to a
parquet floor. In fact, that’s what it was .. the sound of Party Leaders
falling like dead flies: first of all Nick Clegg (right)

- who managed to retain his
seat - resigned his leadership of the Liberal Democrats.

Labour Leader & some guy in a suit

Then Ed Miliband
(left) resigned as Leader of the Labour Party (having failed to convince the British
people that what they needed was more distinct Socialism, more class envy, and
acceptance that if they were not fat-cat bankers then they were some kind of
victim).

And then – keeping his promise that if he failed to win the
South Thanet Seat he would resign – UKIP Leader Nigel Farage (below) did in fact
resign. It was the end of the war and the Farage Balloon had been deflated. He
was now free to spend more time with his beer and fags.

UKIP - United Koff-sticks & Independent-Breweries Party

And on the third day he rose again!

After pressure from Party members Nigel Farage decided to
un-resign. (Is that a word? My spell-checker’s accepted it anyway). Susan Evans,
his appointed deputy, had enjoyed the shortest period of office in the history
of the world. A pity – I quite like her.

And what are we to say about Scotland? Having lost the
referendum on Independence, the SNP managed to destroy the Labour Party in
Scotland and won all but a couple of seats. Their

Let's hear it for me!

leader Nicola Sturgeon (left) - a bit
of cold fish in my view - was hailed as some kind of heroine, and you could
sometimes see the flicker of a smile hovering around those thin lips. Now,
thanks to the vagaries of our electoral system, she has 56 seats in the
Westminster Parliament on only 9% of the UK vote.

The SNP is a National Party
with a set of policies closely resembling Socialism.
“National Socialist” .. now why does that ring a bell? A National Socialist
Party with a charismatic leader. Oops! Now watch them make merry with Prime
Minister Cameron. It won’t be long before the Scots are so fed up with the UK
Government that the “Smiling Assassin” will be able to whip up enough
enthusiasm for a second attempt at Independence.

Don’t even think about boycotting Haggis .. it was invented
in England! It was in an English recipe book by 1615. It’s not found in
Scottish documents until 1747. Crikey, that’s just over an hour and a half
between them!

I must draw this academic analysis of the General Election
to a close, happy in the knowledge that we have some excitement to look forward
to in the shape of leadership elections for Labour and the Liberal Democrats. I
was looking forward to a UKIP leadership election too but Mr Farage has denied
me that pleasure by only pretending to resign in the first place.