Amsterdam
- the infamous Dutch city of sin where cheap fags are two a penny and
hot girl-on-girl-on-dog live action shows attract millions of sex tourists
from the United States, is to install new lights along its 200 miles
of canals after local prostitutes complained they were putting off potential
clients.

"Ve hed some remarks from the prostitutes
dat dere voz too much light, both for dem und the clients," dapper
spokestypeperson Dirk
Van Horn told Utterpants.
"Ve are investigating the possibility of lowering the light levels
in the city centre."

Amsterdam's 29,000 prostitutes—never
backward in coming forward when their business is threatened, complained
to city officials that the lights installed last week did not give them
enough privacy and prevented them from getting their hands on their
punter's wallets while their backs were turned.

The city, which
tolerates non-sex tourists, provided they keep to a few, select
coffee shops near the central station, said it will test a new control
system to dim the lights next week, Van Horn told us. If the test gets
the thumbs-up—or possibly the bums up—from the city's sex
workers, the system may be rolled out across the entire country in a
bid to boost the pocket-handkerchief sized country's ailing economy.

Texan castrates himself to 'get right with God'
by Brianna Banks

A
fifty-three-year-old Texas Research Scientist underwent emergency surgery
today after castrating himself with a blunt paper knife. The man, a father
of five, from Deep Butte, in Texas, told Utterpants
he did it to 'get right with the Lord', after repeated complaints from
neighbours that his deep affection for their livestock was 'scaring the
local kids.'

Even in a state which has a long and proud
tradition of lonely old men molesting sheep, Ron Gittes, who asked to
remain anonymous, but who lives at 427 Ewe Avenue (254-772-4470), stands
out as a pervert of colossal proportions. "I started when I was
a teenager," sobbed the remorseful father-of-five. "Like a
lot of Texans, I just couldn't get laid by the local
cheerleaders on account of the chastity pledges they'd taken so
I started making out with sheep and things just kinda got out of hand
until I was screwing pretty much anything on four legs and sometimes
two."
"Two?" we asked?
"Ostriches."

"So what made you take this drastic
step?"
"I found this'm Baptist Church on that Internet thang where it
said that if'n you want to git right with the Lord y'all gotta accept
the Lamb of God as your saviour. Then it hit me. Jaysus H Christ! I'd
been messin' with the Lord Himself! So I figured the only way to wash
out my sins was to cut my balls off.
"Won't that make you less of a man?" we asked.
"Well—the way I figure it, tha President 'ain't got no balls
neither and he's done OK, 'ain't he?"

The
twenty-four-year old man who entered the Big Brother house
two weeks ago under the name of Armando has been evicted after it was
revealed that he was in fact Thomas Smith, a frustrated sociology graduate
intent on unveiling the semiological absurdity of the programme. Speaking
exclusively to Utterpants
after his sudden eviction yesterday, Smith said: “I am totally
gutted that my plan didn't come off—I was trying to keep a low
profile so I could get through to the final week, then I was going to
bring the whole venture to its knees by reading out a salient passage
from Jean Baudrillard’s Simulacra and Simulation.”

The show’s producers were reluctant
to comment on how Smith managed to get through the many stages of auditions
and beat thousands of earnest hopefuls to a coveted place in the house.
There has been speculation among those close to the show that the Big
Brother complex may now be fitted with special equipment that will
be able to detect periods of independent thought lasting more than three
seconds, which will be linked to an alarm system that will alert Dermot
O’Leary and Davina McCall.

But an eminent sociologist we consulted
dismissed the idea as being 'about as likely as detecting an original
programming idea in the mind of a Channel Four executive' and requested
that our researcher stop calling him for quotes.

House of Commons
to adopt ‘reality television’ formatby Donald Twain

The
House of Commons has long voiced its concern over the success of reality
television, which has essentially stolen the format of its flagship programme
‘Prime Minister’s Question Time’.

Tony
Blair, generously taking time off from shredding top secret government
memos on the preparation for the invasion of Iraq, told a spellbound
audience on 'Breakfast with Frost' that: “we have long employed
the formula of ‘people arguing in a room’, but what reality
television has taught us is that if you want to win the ratings war,
you can’t just rely on that.'

Expanding on the need for politics to keep
pace with the nation’s fascination with reality, Mr
Blair's eyes lit up as he outlined his vision for parliamentary
broadcasting. “I think it is all too clear in today’s society
that people’s attention spans will simply not stretch to a full
term, or indeed, a single parliamentary session. They don’t want
to wait four or five years to vote for an eviction from the House of
Commons—they want to see people being removed from office every
week.” In this new ‘reality’ set-up, people will be
able to text in their votes to Channel Four and decide the fate of a
different member of parliament every week.

The excitement will peak on Friday nights
with an ‘Eviction Night Special’ broadcast live from Westminster.
The show will feature the week’s evicted politician being cheered
or booed by crowds as they leave the Commons, and later being interviewed
live on air by Kelly Brooke, dressed in what producers have called 'fun-sized
leisurewear'—or a boob tube and arse-grazing pelmet to the rest
of us.