The Wasatch Behind: Advice from down under

"I've finally decided who I'm going to vote for," Uncle Spud said as he put down his newspaper.

"I thought an old redneck like you would vote for any Republican," I said.

"Not necessarily," he smiled. "I'm an Americrat, remember? I vote for what's best for this country."

"So which candidate is best for the country?" I asked.

"None of the current contenders," he said. "They're all varying shades of the same dark shadow that hangs over this country. Hillary is hard-core liberal, Obama is off the end of the world liberal, and McCain is liberal-lite. I don't think I can vote for any of them."

"Then who are you going to vote for?"

"I want a real leader," he said. "I want someone with the guts to tell it like it is and do something to fix the mess this country is in. I've decided to vote for Australian Prime Minister John Howard."

"You can't vote for an Aussie to be president of the United States."

"Why not? A vote for a kangaroo boxer wouldn't be any more of a waste than voting for the Huckster."

"You mean Huckabee."

"Whatever."

"But why in the world would you want to vote for an Australian?"

"Listen to what the Aussie Prime Minister had to say in a recent speech," Spud grinned as he picked up his newspaper. "He said these things when some Australians were angry at him for okaying plans to spy on what was being taught by the Mullahs in Australian mosques. This is not an exact word-for-word quote, but it's close enough to give you the general idea."

Australian Prime Minister John Howard: "Immigrants, not Australians, must adapt. Take it or leave it. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, most Australians have been experiencing a new surge of patriotism. This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom. We speak mainly English, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language."

"Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right-wing political push, but a fact. Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation and that is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home. God is a part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us. This is our country and our lifestyle, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all of this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our Christian beliefs, and our way of life, I highly recommend you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom - the right to leave. If you aren't happy here then leave. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. Accept us as we are or leave."

"I could vote for a guy like that," Uncle Spud said.

"Me too," I agreed. "Why don't our politicians have the backbone to stand up and say things like that?"

Spud smiled. "Hillary might be the first woman to run for president, but we've elected girlie men for the past 20 years. We haven't had a real man in the oval office since Ronald Reagan told Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin wall."

"Is there any way to get John Howard certified as a U.S. citizen so he can run for president here?" I asked.

"I guess we could sneak him across the border and then grant him amnesty." Spud giggled. "Who knows, maybe McCain will take care of it."