Case Number 10923

NEVER BEEN THAWED

The Charge

Frozen entrée collectors? Christian rockers?...Are you dorks
serious?

Opening Statement

One of the rarest pleasures of reviewing DVDs is being sent small independent
films for review that otherwise would never cross your field of vision. Case in
point: Never Been Thawed, a small-budget mockumentary low on production
values and acting experience, but surprisingly high on laughs.

The film broke early ground via Netflix, which climbed on board early and
made Never Been Thawed one of the first hand-picked independent films to
be distributed exclusively via mail-order rental. With it now freely available
on DVD, let's take this meal for a spin in the microwave ...

Facts of the Case

Shawn (Sean Anders, also the writer/director) is the leader of the Mesa
Frozen Entree Enthusiasts Club, a group of fanatical and obscure frozen entree
meal collectors who gather to share in their loved hobby. Its members are from
all walks of life, sharing tips about preserving meals in "never been
thawed" state, or NBT.

Shawn's fortunes are less than good: he lost his girl, his small apartment
is full of overclocked refrigerators and freezers, and his metal band is going
nowhere...until Shawn decides to tap into another genre musical scene --
Christian rock. Reforming the band with God-centric lyrics, "The
Christers" take off like a rocket.

Al, the bass player, is less enthused about his band's new change in
direction. He also belongs to the entree club, but primarily to make time with
Shelly, an abstinence hotline counselor for whom he harbors a secret crush.
Shelly on the other hand, despite being totally devoted to post-marital
fidelity, finds Shawn to be dreamy...

The Evidence

Never Been Thawed is what happens when Kevin Smith wannabes set out to
make a Christopher Guest mockumentary. This is no insult to either the imitated
or the imitatee, because the fusing of radical styles -- crude and subtle --
works surprisingly well. Lampooning on the backside of the lumbering
right-winged Christian behemoth movement, Never Been Thawed holds on for
dear life and takes viewers on a hilarious, sarcastic, and over-the-top look
into obsessive compulsion taken to extreme lengths. And the frozen entrée
collecting thing may be a cinematic first.

The first few minutes feel lame, almost excessively so, because it takes
time before we are invited into the joke. Once the viewer fully understands the
lengths these filmmakers have gone to parody their faux-subjects of choice, the
film's doors into hilarity open up. Scathingly dismissive of right-winged
Christian ideology, the film tears asunder pro-life groups, abstinence-only
teachings, fundamentalist intolerance and rigidity, homophobia -- you name it,
it gets ripped a new one.

In reality, there are two films existing simultaneously in Never Been
Thawed. The first is a subtle Best in Show-esque mockumentary on
fringe collectors of frozen entrée meals, a bizarre and totally irreverent
sub-genre of fanaticism that I have no doubt actually exists somewhere in the
world. People, after all, will collect anything. The second film is the
foul-mouthed Dogma-esque Christian-bashing film about a deliciously
amoral punk rock band which, tired of being ignored by record labels,
metamorphoses into a Christian punk band, cleans up its sinful lyrics, and
immediately finds the fanatical (and insane) fan base it long desired. Both have
their merits, but the subtle nuances and quirky irreverence of the entrée
storyline do not always harmonize with the brash filth and blasphemous hilarity
of the second. A romantic comedy story arc ties both storylines and characters
together, but not very well.

For an unknown group of actors and a small, independent production, Never
Been Thawed is surprisingly funny and downright savage in its satirical
disseminations. From gay firefighters who pick through the wreckage of burned
homes for collectible mementos to add to their collection to the obsessed
entrée collector who nicknames his gigantic industrial fridges
"Goose" and "Mav," Never Been Thawed is laden with
pop-culture digs and daggers, and is especially crushing towards the religious
right. Between the satirical-product placement, like the uber-Christian "No
Choice Café" logo done in Starbucks style with the picture of a coffee
mug-toting fetus, "The Christers," a Blink-182 inspired Christian punk
rock band, and the religious abstinence hotline (hands-down the best joke in the
film -- "Keep her on the phone and she won't get the bone"), this is a
film born of a particular kind of animosity towards conservatism.

Really, the only thing that drags the film down is the acting performances,
no doubt due to most of the cast not having much acting experience prior to this
film. Shawn and Shelly are surprisingly effective in their roles, but Al's
performance is more wooden and stiff than it should be. To be fair, he has the
harder part -- he's the only one who's actually required to, you know, emote.
Still, many of the roles are stiffer than they should be.

Shot on DV, Never Been Thawed shows its budget here, with abhorrently
grainy night shots, washed-out colors and a soft, hazy level of detail. Still,
the source material exhibits no major flaws. The 5.1 surround track is loud and
forceful with clear dialogue, but does a poor job of splitting dialogue between
front and rear channels -- voices often echo unnaturally in both channels.

There are only two extras included, but they're good ones -- two
feature-length commentary tracks, the first from the director Sean Anders and
producers Chuck LeVinus and John Morris, and the second from cast and crew
members. One downside to the cast commentary is the fidelity. It sounds like one
single microphone in a conference room, and many participants are nearly
impossible to hear. Both commentaries are great for what they are -- funny,
engaging, informative, and hilarious.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Never Been Thawed is undeniably hilarious but mildly schizophrenic,
unable to decide exactly what kind of film it wants to be. Swinging from
Clerks-inspired foul-mouthed buddy comedy to dry, sardonic satire, then
into the realm of romantic comedy, it crams itself full of elements that do not
exactly exist harmoniously with one another.

The premise of the movie -- a mockumentary about obsessive collectors --
feels undermined by the randomly inserted raucous humor and juvenile
mischievousness spread throughout the film like so much thick peanut butter.
Much of the dialogue feels ad-libbed, amusingly so, but the film lets its actors
run around wild. Oh, it makes for a funny film, no doubt...just not a very
well-balanced one.

Like, what the hell do all the deaf jokes have to do with anything? Sure,
they're...kind of funny, in a lowbrow Comedy Central sort of way, but completely
and utterly irrelevant in this film.

Closing Statement

Never Been Thawed is a surprisingly amusing debut from a group of
naturally funny filmmakers. Like all debut films, it tries to accomplish too
much in too short a time, but hell, so does every independent film I've ever
seen. I'd like to see more good things in the future from these filmmakers.

The Verdict

I've never heard of getting a "rusty trombone." If only I had an
abstinence councilor to explain it to m -- oh, GOD NO.