Yesterday we went to Islands of Adventure and Miss C had a blast at Seuss' Landing...(I must say I did too)

I finally convinced the Ex to go on a Roller Coaster...and it was...Drumroll Please!!!

THE FLYING UNICORN!!

Reallllly scary!! lol!!

The three year olds on that ride were beggin for mercy!!! and my ex along with them!!!

Miss C on the last ride..and mom with look of utter confusion and total tiredness!! (if such word exists)

Miss C Soakin' Wet with her aunt on the One Fish Two Fish ride!!! ( Mom sat in the sidelines {she did not want to get wet; I do not make those kinds of sacrifices for my child}, and I looked like an abnormal parent, from afar singin' gleely to Dr. Seus's song: One Fish, Blue Fish UP UP UP, Two fish Red fish, DOWN DOWN DOWN) Do not ask how I remembered this song from last year's trip!!

I am soooo not interested in Old School Woody!!

My beautiful new 710's and my new platforms on their maiden voyage to Orlando..

Got here ok...went to Universal Studios on Saturday...Saw a full fledged Original Barney show...Miss C loved it until we had to take a pic with Barney...she was waaaay more interested in playing in the train and sandbox....tsk tsk..the guy taking the pic told us.."well hey..maybe next year she'll take the pic"..really funny dude..I convinced my ex to get on One Roller Coaster with me...Woody Woodpecker (yeah..really death defying)..but the line was too long..so he *gasp* agreed to go on The Mummy..and when we got to the line, the ride was closed cuz they were filming a commercial.....U can imagine the sigh of relief from M when he found out he was not gonna have to go on this ride.U see, here, no one, but moi, gets on these rides, I go solo....

Have not been shopping yet, but am dying to...Well, I did go to some flea markets, but ::shiver:: they didn't have much going on, except for some cool retro chairs I loved.

Went to two schools...West Creek Elementary is winning...totally cool..nice program and excellent personnel. But the other school, made up of trailers, were not all that nice, and I did not like the teacher very much and the school hours were like from 12:30pm till 2:30pm..WTF is that?? I need a school where Miss C can stay ALL day....

Been job hunting...things look really good at this point..Househunting, well that's a whole other issue. I would need to rent for the time being

Haven't gotten on any roller coasters...but my ex inlaws put up the pool today and a Huge Modern Water Slide...in which I have busted my ass many times today, I am not afraid of death defying rollercoasters, but scared shitless of a water slide...go figure...

I have also managed to injure my back on a huge trampoline they have in their backyard...a trampoline to which Miss C wakes up to every day at 8:30 am..."JUMP JUMP"...and I keep getting back on...

We interrupt the normally scheduled programming to bring this announcement:

SPOILER ALERT: Curtis Lemanski aka Lem is dead....Someone must pay..now I have to wait God knows how long to see who gonna pay for his death...The writers on The Shield are asses...making me cry like they did..

*********************************

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Ha!! The things parents will do for their kids...

Friday when I picked up my Gold Medalist at school, she was awarded a free ticket to go see:

No..I did not spell Barny wrong..or Baby Bob..that's how they were spelled on the flyer....immediately I worried...if it's spelled wrong from the get-go..lord knows what else to expect...But I figured..hey maybe they spelled it wrong purposely due to copyright protection..so I gave them the benefit of the doubt...

So we decide to take her cuz she was such a good girl at school on Friday and she did win First Place...so the Ex signs up for this Barny thingy..and we're off..

Now, the signs were there...the mispelling...the small coliseum..but did we see the signs???

NOOOOOOOO, cuz we're stupid hopeful parents...

Personally I don't like Barny,Barney or any other purple dino-shmore who sings in a high strung pathetic voice...but hey...it's better than letting Miss C watch Violent TV, where she has already learned the phrase "Kill..kill"...

So we go inside, get seated...and these clowns come out, do their show..and Miss C is like:

"you stupid ass clowns need to get the f*ck off this stage and need to pull out Barny before I yawn to death"...

So without further a do'...out comes Barny...

The x and I exchange glances of horror!!!

what happened to Barny..he looks like he's on heroin...he is sooooo skinny..and a tad too purple...he needs to put on sunblock when he hangs around at that park with the kids...

But Miss C is like in Shock...She doesn't even blink..

While me and the X are struggling to contain our histerical laughter...even the mom next to us was like:

"What the hell happened to him??"

Then it gets better...Barny brings out Baby Bob...and she's even worse...her face looks like it was in some bad plastic surgery and too much botox....tsk tsk..

So they sing..and dance..and blah blah..Miss C is still in Shock..and then...

Barny says he has some special friends he'd like us to meet (insert very concerned face) and out comes:

Homer and Bart Simpson...

OMG!! WTF???!!!!!

Since when is Barny chummy with Homer and Bart!!!!

So they come out...and now we're really laughing our asses off...and Homer is like dancing to :

Daddy Yankee's song : Gasolina

and is really getting his groove on..but I couldnt stop looking at his 'hair'..u know how Homer has this receding hair line around his head..well his hair line was looking like the stripe on Charlie Brown's eternal yellow shirt...and Bart..well..let's say Homer probably strangled him too much cuz his neck was like really long....

So anywhoot...they leave...and barny takes a recess..then comes back again to introduce yet another special friend...

So now me and the X are scared of what might come out from those curtains...we've had too much excitement for one day...

Then out comes this thing....it was a cross between a horse and a pig..or a boar...it looked like some cross mutation experiment from the Island of Dr. Moreau...and it had this white long streak mohawk...something like a animal version of Billy Idol on Crack, no I take that back...it looked like the result of a cross mutation of Billy Idol on Crack with a Wild Boar...we didnt have a clue of what that thing was...until Barny announced it was:

She didn't even have a clue to what that was....(I will post pics later)

It sang some type of distorted song and left...Then out came the last surprise..

Dora the Explorer...who had to be guided to the stage cuz her head was so big from all the fresh purified air she gets in whatever island she lives on...hawaii, maui..whatever...Puerto Rico it ain't...too much vegetation and the air is fresh..anywhoot..so she comes out with her fro'..sings, dances..blah blah...then Barny the acid version shows up..sings..and it's over...

and they didn't even sing the "I love you" song...

Now I cry, because we are emotionally scarred for life...I will never forget those images flashing before me, like some twisted torture device...and I quote a fellow blogger Carolyn:

"OHHH MY EYEEESSS!!! " and I add : "MY EARRRRSS!!"..

Now I am even more concerned about the welfare of my child...she is mute...she didn't even blink...I don't know if she has enjoyed the show..or is actually silently processing this for further discussing with her shrink when she is an adult...hey maybe we can get like a group discount or something...

The things we do for our kids...I've sat through Elmo Live, The Wiggles and now Children's Favorites on Acid...

The 710's are right next to me and I won't need them for my trip, but why should I be forced to take only one pair of sneakers, dammit...my 710's need to see the world...My Saucony's already went to Animal Kingdom...

So alas, I am at a crossroad in my life, so i must to mediate, and hope the allmighty fashion god will bring me light and help me make my tough decisions ahead...including which jacket to take...cuz i'm really feeling my new olive green one right now...

Yes, I am sick.I know.

(shaking head in disgust)...

Goodnight...I will be off to sleep with my 710's and hopefully I will make a decision and be at peace with it...

Times a changing...as we blink, as we think, as we sit in front of our computer screens, times change, people, the world, everything we know is never still, things are always in movement.Today the movement has knocked on my door.Miss C is at school. She kisses me goodbye. I know I will not make it in time for her "Field Day" (her first Field Day, where she will be in a race competiton), but that's life. So I drive off to court.I have never stepped foot in a courthouse, and at 26 years old, didn't expect to step into one either. U see, when u get married, u don't go into a marriage believing your gonna get a divorce, unless ur Anna Nicole Smith, who by the way is lucky enough to be stepping inside Supreme Court. Anywhoot, I get there, go the 7th Floor, my lawyer is not there. But there are many, many couples there. In Puerto Rico, divorces are on Fridays. It was sad to see so many people who have dedicated years into a relationship, now know that things are kaput. U could feel the tension. Some couples were nice, some were just plain hostile, but all, deep down inside carried the burden of failure.Now let me add, without going into personal details, that hell, things ain't work out, and we acknowledged that, so we decided to split amicably. I am thankful for that. But it is sad, when two people who have dedicate their lives to each other, and have had children, end on tough terms.Ok. back to my story. So here I am and no lawyers or Ex in site. I am starting to panic. So after a while, my ex shows up (he was dropping my mother off at Miss C's school) and he finds his lawyer...but MY lawyer is no where in site....so I call his office: no answer...and I don't have his cell, so I call my boss and she calls him and she calls me back to let me know he is on his way up.So in between time, I meet my ex's lawyer and he's like "don't worry maam' things are gonna be allright, nothing to be worried about..." Is there something I should worry about??? So now I begin to panic...obsessive compulsive Mary is like "should I panic? what did he say that? why should I worry? blah blah"So I am here thinking how f*cking long does it take for my lawyer to get his ass up here..it's 9am and things are about to commence...so i am looking about at all the faces waiting..and what do I see??I see a familiar looking lady...she looks at me too, but doesn't say anything...Now, I could've sworn I have seen her somewhere, but I can't place my finger on it...but then...this guy comes up and says Hi to her..and when he turns around it's:MY UNCLE....YEP..MY FATHER'S BROTHER...awww..ain't that nice..we do divorces in family.........lol...should've asked for some kind of discount..and do a joint divorce..but he doesn't see me and my lawyer is already here...so we go over the questions...blah blah..We go in and sit.Order of Seating (very important for later)1.my ex's lawyer2.my ex's lawyer's wife (don't ask)3.a lady4.an old man5.my ex6.meMy lawyer sat with the other lawyer's, he was too good to sit with the common folk..doesn't want to get infected with the divorce bug..So we're sitting down..big ass digital clock's a ticking...I know I am not gonna make it in time for Miss C's race...and my feet are begining to hurt, being that I wore my most fabulous shoes that my ex got me for X mas..(and yes, I looked them up online and I am shocked that these shoes are on My feet)...and no one told me that u had to park ur car in the House of Fuck and walk like a bitch and climb a zillion steps to get inside...anywhootSo we're making lil jokes..and talking shit...and I'm cool, until they called our names. So I am struggling to remember my right and left, and raise my hand, swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth blah blah..The judge starts asking the "what's ur name, is he ur husband blah blah questions" and it's really hard for me to answer cuz one of his eyes is like out of place...I mean like, Quasimodo type shit...so I am answering but I don't know what eye to look into ....all this while I am trying to contain the fact that NOW I am shitting bricks and my hands are clammy and I am wondering if my Ass looks fat from behind..since we are all standing before the judge in a room full of bitter people. Back to Quasimodo...I mean, the judge...my favorite question asked by the judge:Are u pregnant??? (haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaa..not unless I am the Virgin Mary)So he finishes, I am glad we walk out shake hands, blah blah, and I haul my stilettos back to my car to see if I can make it in time for Miss C's race...As I am running down the court steps, the old man who was sitting next to us in court, comes up to me with the old lady who was sitting besides him and asks me:"Have you seen my brother in law???"WTF? ur what?"ur who?""my brother in law, ur husband's lawyer"...My ex's husband thought that this was some type of sick field trip...I'm like, dude, i have no idea, he was not my lawyer, he left or something...and I kept walking.Then I got intercepted by a Jehova Witness that was in front of the courthouse and handed me some literature, being that now I am a divorced woman, I am surely going to hell for the sin of breaking a bond made by God and all. The title of the literature:"Can this world survive?"Very appropiate.So get in the van, drive to the school, call teacher, tells me race is over, get to the school and what do i see:"1st Place Blue Ribbon" on Miss C's shirt...My daugher kicked the boys ass in school...she won!!!!And I missed it dammit.But my mom has told and retold me the story all day long....sounds like they had a nice time...We went out to eat afterwards, and came home, Me, The X and Miss C, plopped down in bed (he on the mattress on the floor) and went to bed...We all had our levels of excitement today and needed to disconnect ourselves from the planet...The X left eventually and now it's official:Miss C and I will conquer the world...well, she already has a crown and kicks ass in running..so we are well on our way...It is what it is folks, and what is today, will no longer be tomorrow. So live it up, cuz times are changing faster than you can read this post.Have a great weekend!! I 'm gonna go recharge!!

anyway.so we get into this heated argument...and i tell her i am not 10 years old, and that i am a good mom dammit..and that i am sick of my authority being taken away...that i am sick of having 0 support in that house..blah blah..and she's like: "dont take that tone on me, u ungrateful...blah blah"

So how do u come back from that:

"Well....u need hormones...u are menopausic..and driving everyone in this house mad...ask dad!!"

and I take my "child" and leave upstairs..adding that I was moving away to the states...

She's like : do whatever u want...

FINE!!!

anywhoot after that incident...my dad comes upstairs and tells me that, he knows I am right, but that I should still apologize...

WTF???

Now, ur probably reading this and thinking...u poor thing...I am so sorry this has happened to u..but u know what?..like my fellow blogger Aimée says: There is always someone further down the line...so I ain't sweatin' the little stuff...

What doesn't kill me..makes me one hell of a mom...

So after this incident..and no kind of consideration at all..I have decided to look for opportunities elsewhere...

I am going to Florida to visit some schools, check out some apartments..blah blah...

Now, I kid u not..Florida is not my dream destination...*hint hint* last year's hurricane season...but...alas, I have relatives there...and my ex will be moving also, and has agreed to help...so there..

I am psyched about the schools, cuz everyone has been so friendly and helpfull...just like here..where u gotta wake up at 3 am to get to the Board of Education's offices at 4 am to get a number...only to realize that when it is finally ur turn...no one knows what the hell is ur issue and how to resolve it efficiently....

I felt like so estatic!!so I'll post about that soon enough..but I will sure post of the horrors of traveling with toddlers and making suitcases...which is extremely difficult for someone like moi...

********************************In other non-related issues...**SPOILER ALERT**For those who have missed out on tv lately...that's u Mr. Vazquez..the following contains a recap of my favorite program...

Lem might die!!!!!!!

so, u ask: who the f*ck is lem?

Curtis Lemanski...my secret crush on The Shield...after Vic Mackey, of course...Yesterday was the episode before the great season finale next week...Recap:IAD is breathing down Lem's neck...(he stole some heroin to blackmail someone and forgot to return it, IAD found it in his glove compartment)...Lem is gonna go to Jail...and Anwton Mitchell, this ass from the previous seasons, who is in jail..has threatened to kill Lem...

So what does Vic Mackey, leader of The Strike Team and Lem's buddy do...He sleeps with the IAD's ex wife, who is mentally ill by the way...and then tells the IAD investigator right to his face, in very pretty words men use...

What does this fellow do?which by the way is Forest Whitaker...He goes and sleeps with Vic's ex wife...who by the way, in the series has two autistic children..(that story line develops in season 1 & 2)..

Meanwhile all the other cops are busy trying to catch a guy who puts rat traps in these 'glory holes' in rest rooms, where men stick their weiners for joy...and get their glory's smashed...

So back to Lem..he is the most loyal one on that team..and decides to plead guilty to his drug case, but u see, IAD doesn't want Lem...he wants Mackey for corruption...Lem decides to take one for the team..but Vic decides to take him to Mexico...As the episode ended, they hugged goodbye...and "Killer in Me" by Smashing Pumpkins played in the background...

tsk tsk tsk..this is the only series i religiously watch...and by religiously i mean..i put Miss C and myself to bed at 9pm..set my alarm clock for 10:55pm and wake up to go watch it at 11pm..and go to bed at 12am...evey tuesday..non-stop...

It also proves what 2 hours of sleep can do for a human being...complete lunatic episodes...

Miss C was sick..again...ended up sleeping at 6am...with one eye open, cuz she was still feverish...

*************************

Since my tired, bored ass didn't have anything else to do on the weekend...shocking huh??I rented, not 1, but 5 movies with my Ex...Yes we were civilized...

Movie Recap:

3 Extremes : Japanese 'horror' flick ....'horror' meaning the most boring, stupid ass film i have ever seen in my life...well techinically I didn't even finish it...now I know why I don't rent horror films...

Hustle & Flow : Any movie with Terrence Howard is wonderful...and this was no exception...it's the movie from where "It's hard out here for a pimp" won Oscar for Best Song...and Terrence..well, what can I say? ::sigh::dreamy:: Dayanara Torres (Miss Universe 1993 is a very lucky gal, not to mention she got rid of Marc Anthony)

Flightplan: I am not a fan of commercial films..but this one was great...Peter Sarsgaard was in it..he is like the total Indie Film hunk, currently....

In Her Shoes: Cameron Diaz does such a good acting job...I actually hated her character sooo bad...and the shoes that come out in this movie.........Oh lordddddddddddddd!!!

Junebug: Have not finished it yet...but i love the part where Amy Adams, with her pregnant belly asks the sophisticated London lady where she was born, in her southern accent..and when the lady responds :

"I was born in Japan"..

She opens her eyes and says:

"U were not!"...

hilarious...

so...that was my weekend...I should moonlight as a movie critic..sh*t...

*****************************And with all this 'excitement' going on in my life, u might wonder:What do I look forward to?

The Answer:

My trip to Orlando on the 24th...I'm going on 'vacation'..sort of speak...maybe this time we'll see Mickey Mouse...unf*cking believable..we did not see him at any of the parks we visited last year...so much for Magic Kingdom...But who cares. I will be out of my house, without chores, doing nothing for 17 days...17 full days!! I am so happy I could cry....

it's been a while since I have posted things ocurring in Miss C's life..well..u know that in Miss C's life things happen everyday..but her mommy is so f*cked up i can hardly remember many of them....

This week she has been the baddest, meanest, most nastiest child on this planet..the type of child u wanna just leave somewhere with a 'feed me' sign..and head for the hills..seriously...don't think i'm cruel...u know u've thought about it too..

I mean I love Miss C...I really do..don't look at me that way....I've cleaned vomit at 1 am..that should be representative of my love...

but...there are some days..where I just want to spank her silly...beyond her autism, my love for her, and Social Services...

cuz she is the sh*t...there are times where she can be the child u can present to teens who are practicing un safe sex and go:

"this is what ur gonna have if u don't be careful"....

anywhoot..

Monday she had her throwup episode..Tuesday she did not want to go to school...but convinced her to stay..Wednesday I drove to school only to find out, her teacher had not come..if ya'll don't know...Puerto Rico Public Schools lack substitutes...so I had to drive back to my plan B..her alternate Day care...but as soon as she saw me drive in she began her:

"nooooooooooooooooooooooooo i don't" really low, pointing her finger , building up the momentum for: "DON'T WANNA.........NOOOOOOOOOO....NOOOOOOO....SCHOOL...(who get's her..she doesnt wanna go when i take her ..and wants to go when i don't)...GRANDMAAAAAAAA.."

EVERYONE,tried to convince her to stay..i ended up taking her to my mom..

Thursday she had a BLAST...i was at school until 10:30 am..trying to calm her down...she screamed, kicked...bit..pushed...

The teacher began the class songs..and as we were singing..over her wailing, might I add, she told us to be quiet and "shhhh'd" us, and she pushed me so hard i almost ate the corner of her kiddie table...

I eventually sneaked out to hear her still wailing..and the security officer told me as I was leaving:

"boy is ur lil' girl is pissed..i can hear her all the way over here"...

yeah..imagine how i hear her, being right next to me...tell me about it..

her uncontrollable antics have not only been reserved for daytime schedules...she had dedicated the nighttimes to making all of us miserable as well, in the comfort of our own home...

Exhibit A:Remote/TV Bitch..

Miss C knows how to put her own DVD's on...but sometimes she wants to watch a particular segment in the movie that u have to search for...so she goes to me with the remote:

"Put on the squirrel"...

that's nice..but after 5 mintues..she wants to see something else...so she comes back with another film..

"put this one "...if u ignore her request..she'll add the word "NOW"...

I am officially her Remote/TV Bitch....

tsk tsk tsk....

Exhibit B:The torturing of innocent animals/insects/amphibians..etc..

My mom...oh she is sweet..i gotta thank her for this one...she taught my daughter to kill lil lizards...i mean i taught her to kill roaches and spiders...and Miss C also kills ants and any other flying, crawling things..but lil lizards..come on...!!

my mom taught her to grab a 'rock' and throw it at the lil lizard...so now, everytime Miss C sees a lil lizard, yes, she grabs a rock and goes "kill it..kill lizard..rock"..

She has also been torturing our cat...she is constantly all up in her 'grill' and tries to step on her tail...our cat, pissed off with this situation, scratched her 2 days ago..and now Miss prances about:

'hurts...cat....bit'..

serves u right...

Exhibit C:The desire to murder family members

This one sounds funny, and I joke about it, but I am a lil concerned, cuz..well it went about as so:

My dad loves to bother Miss C...and Miss C hates my father...(I don't blame her totally...but that's a whole other post)...so he knows this..but is still up in her face..bothering her...making fun of her..just being a pain in the ass...Miss C is clearly annoyed..and usually just bites him..kicks him..or makes any physical attempt to torture him...but this particular day...she shocked us all..and believe me, that is a hard task...she goes up to my mom and says:

"grandma, kill, grandpa"

should i rewrite that...??

"grandma, kill, grandpa"...

all of our mouths gaped wide open...i thought my eyes were gonna pop out..and Miss C, clearly seeing that her grandmother was not carrying out her orders, came up to me:

"mom, kill, grandpa, now"...

So what do the people in my house do...well, what any other normal people in any household with moral values would do....

Laugh

I did not laugh, for I did not find this amusing...

WTF??Where did she learn this ????...........hmmm...the killing lil' lizards is a good way to start... or

Waaaaaaayyyyyyy too much Tom & Jerry ...

So I try explaining to my parents that, that is not funny...That can be very serious..and the thought of going to a park, and have a child bother Miss C, and her screaming:

"mom, kill, boy"..

is not amusing...

well yes it kinda is..but no, I don't want promote the idea that "Serial Killer" is in the Career Choices u can pick...

******Tonight, she has done it again.She was beating my father with an empty tube of gift wrapping paper...

Whose bright idea to give my daughter a weapon?...my mom...

so anywhoot, she was beating my dad senseless...and I admit it was cute at the begnining cuz it was light..and he was indeed bothering her...but she kinda got the hang of it..and kept hitting him harder..and poking him..and then she handed me the tube and said:

"mom, kill, grandpa"

Shit. now I won't be able to sleep...If I don't post in two days...worry...

As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death…aka…The Supermarket…

I have just realized I have no groceries…

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (kneeling on floor, screaming with fist up in the air)….

If there is one thing that I really hate...is the wonderful world of Supermarkets…

One: I never have anyone to take care of Miss C..so she has to come along…things are all wrong from the get-go…

I get there..try to find a handicap parking space…and it seems everyone in my town is handicapped…so I have to park…as u would say in Spanish: “En casa del Carajo”..

Translation: “In the House of F*ck”…

I make sure...before I get out of the car I have three things:1. My list…yes I make a list...and yes I check it twice…and by God I stick to it..!!2. My wallet….duh...3. At least 3 quarters….

3 quarters for the wonderful ‘gumball machines’... (Which no longer have gumballs)…Miss C has a machine obsession. So as soon as she sees the supermarket sign, she knows it’s on…

But, the machines are on the Exit side of the market…so I have to wait till someone exits the SM to get in... wait like 5 minutes till Miss C makes up her mind…usually picking some candy fish…and then proceed to the most important part of the trip:

The shopping cart selection…

This is the “Make or Break” part of the trip…Cuz u see the selection of the shopping cart…determines everything…there is a wide selection of crappy carts to choose from...cuz u see... I never pick out the working ones…I am a magnet for challenged carts…

1. The wobbly cart: it looks perfectly normal... but wobbles like it’s getting jiggy...2. Noisy Cart: makes the loudest noises as u stroll down the aisles…u couldn’t possibly steal anything from the SM with that give away...

And my personal favorite:3. The Stuck Wheel: I always get this one... it is the one, that drives well for a few feet…gets it’s wheels jammed…u unjam them...and then a few more feet and BAM!! JAMMED AGAIN!!

So u select ur cart... and the fun begins…U walk into the wonderful produce section... where everything is nice and colorful…an aisle I hardly visit. ..so I zoom right past…

Since I have a list…I know which aisles I will visit…and which ones to avoid…but my SM is very special…it changes its aisles every so often...they’ve even incorporated an “I don’t know where this sh*t belongs” aisle…

but that is the least of my worries

…U do not shop alone…u shop with other fellow human beings…some of which are not as meticulous and considerate as u…and those are the ones that u wish u could smack with a bag of rice…or at least make em’ kneel in some for like 15 minutes…

The Obstruction Shopper: I will leave my shopping cart right in the middle to go wonder around the aisle, and look at u very meanly when u attempt to move my cart out of the way.

The Hazardous Shopper: Will not be afraid to leave ur fingers bashed upon their cart as they graze right by ya…

And my personal favorite:Children Shopper: I will let my child drive the cart... especially on a day when the SM is very, very full…and let my child just wonder about with the cart…and say "Susie..can't u see the lady is trying to pass?? Why don't u move the cart ?..in the most annoying voice...

So…u have to stick to ur list…watch all these danger zones…avoid aisles with candy, cakes and junk food…pick up Miss C’s candy fish that fall on the floor and avoid her near death, due to her body constantly dangling over the cart…

So u get Ur sh*t...and head out for the most wonderful part of ur shopping trip…Checkout…

Here at the checkout... many factor, people and things collide….

Part 1: The CashierYou can get the : I don’t give a shit..I’m mad..pissed..at the World..cashier...

You can also get the: I like speaking to my next aisle cashier buddies..and make stupid remarks out loud about the people in my line..or our sexual escapades..

You can get the: Boy…boy cashiers... are a disaster…as stated by the most credible source: my mom…

Part II: The BaggerThe one who has no fucking clue what he’s doing and puts the bread with the gallon of water. squishing ur loaf to mush..

The one who doubles the bag for bread..but in a single one places 2 gallons of water.

The one that keeps putting things that aren’t urs in the cart..

or…no bagger at all!!

Part III: The People in ur line..The 25 items in the 10 items or less lane iliterate…Come on’..they know, they don’t have 10 items or less (that is why they avoid ur glare) they are complete idiots..they can read and count...u know they don’t have 10 items or less..and the cashier does too…sh*t drives me batty..

The “oh-do you mind if I just go ahead of u and pay for my organic bread and water because it's only two items and I’m in kind of a hurry, late for yoga, you know?” type

To which I become the “sure why the hell not..i’m only a single mom, who has to make book bags and lunch bags when I get home, not to mention get uniforms and clothes ready for work, and my daughter is not hanging over the side of the cart, wailing at the top of her lungs that she wants to go home” person….Biach!!! Hell no..u make ur own goddamn line …

The “I am gonna pay with a check..but I’m gonna wait till the very last moment to try to start searching for the checkbook, and when I find it…I will realize I do not have a pen to write my check with in the first place” person

The “I forgot half of my groceries..and I am going to send the rest of my family to run around like if this was a “supermarket sweep game show” to gather the rest of the things my stupid ass forgot cuz I ain’t make a list” person

The “this item is on sale and u are charging me the regular price which is 3 cents more” person.

The “I emptied out my cart, and gonna leave it in the lane..cuz I have no obligation to remove it, so other fellow grocery shoppers can pay for their items” person

All just dandy...isn't it...

So after all of this, if i can still make it to my car, safetly..all while avoiding random shopping carts that people leave in the way and roll around by themselves…tip the kid who drove my cart..get my groceries in and started my car…I have been to hell and back..and now am invincible…..hurrah!!

u cannot remember the last decent movie u saw...post-rugrats: but do remember that there are 5 wiggles and their names are: Greg, Anthony, Murray....nevermind the remembering name thing...

Friday nights were party party...up till the break of dawn...post kids: u drop dead in ur bed at 9am with ur shoes and makeup on...

u could not stand to see: saliva, drool, bodily liquids..including vomit...from ANY CHILD..OR ANYONE, for that matter..post-child: u clean up saliva, drool with ur sleeve...and vomit with ease and non-chalant style...going back to ur sandwhich afterwards...

speaking of that wonderful thing called vomit..**YES I WILL BE TALKING ABOUT VOMIT...CHILDREN'S VOMIT...DELICATE STOMACHES BEWARE**

Yesterday morning i wake Miss C up for school and notice how odd it is that she doesn't want her usual morning bottle of milk...so I kind of just shrug it off..get her dressed and get in the car to take her to school...as I was approaching the school...i hear Miss C say:

"ewwwww...clean up...caca"..

so..as any other paranoid mom would do when u hear these 4 words:I immediately looked back...but I see Miss C is allright...but as my gaze goes down towards the seat...i see it..an Explosion....funny thing is..she doesnt make the 'hurling' sound when she does this...which is horrifying..since she has thrown up, dead asleep...and I only find out when I turn around and my hair is in the pool of zest...graphic huh?

anywhoot...

so i had to get to school..ask the teacher for gloves...paper towels..water etc..to clean the mess up..luckily Miss C did not throw up on herself..smart kid..she knows she has to step back...she is an expert in the bile area...

anywhoot...she came down with some sort of stomach bug..24 thingy...or so her doc says...which i have noticed is the most popular doctor phrase when they don't know what the hell is wrong with u...

My arm hurts, and I threw up: a virusMy eye is bleeding, and I have diarrea: a virus..my brother just beat my brain out with a bat..and i have nauseas and diarrea: a virus..

The medical community here is really full of all kinds of expertise...

Anyway...so i cleaned the mess..got the seatbelts, seats, and carseat cleaned...and wondered where in the world did i slip...what went wrong...cleaning up vomit at 8am is not my idea of a wonderful monday..i could be drinking a mocha-late-chino-insert-fancy-coffee-name-here, at some very important business meeting...

but hey...i had the day off...took Miss C to the doc..and later when she tried to bite my arm, because I would not put on the "3 little pigs", i knew she was all better...and that I was officially embracing the 'motherhood'..

dont get me wrong..i'm all for hip hop...coming from that upbringing myself...but Three Six Mafia...who sing "Stay fly -y -y-y (pronounced "i" "i" "i")....at the OSCARS!!!

Boy I tell ya..their perfomance was..well...u know...pimpaliscious..

and they showed no faces from the crowd..except for Ludacris..(another rapper slash actor..he was in CRASH)..and Jamie Foxx...two african americans..no white expressions shown..

After their performance...Queen Latifah shows up to give out the award for best song...and she was like all happy cuz Three Six Mafia was there....and when she reads the nominees and opens the envelope...She gets ghetto fabulous...and all excited...which means:

Three Six Mafia WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Obviously the Academy Members were concerned with a possible Drive By Shooting taking place in the event of them losing..)

They were the most excited folks up in the Oscars..They yelled..jumped..screamed...

Even the host Jon Stewart said it: that was the way to accept an Oscar...that everyone should be as excited as them...

They became the highlight of the evening...especially when Stewart said: Martin Scorsece O Oscars...Three Six Mafia 1....For those of u who don't know...Martin has been nominated many times..but he has been snubbed by the Oscars...never winning...

As for best picture.....I knew Brokeback Mountain wasnt gonna win..it was a great film...but the hype was too much..Personally I thought Crash was better....more moving performances...Heath Ledger speaking with his mouth practically shut drove me batty!!!....

George Clooney won Best Supporting Actor...and I was crushed..Jake Gyllenhall did not win...he is my crush....i loved his performance more than Ledger's....and u've got to see him in Jarhead..

anywhoot....I went to bed at 1am...and when I woke up...i only remembered that Three Six Mafia..stayed fly-y-y..and just made life a lil' bit easier for a PIMP....

ok..I probably spelled it wrong..but who gives a sh*t..this is a stupid post..but if i don't get it out of my system..I will have a f*cking aneurism..u know the head explosion thingy...

If I turn on my radio and hear ONE MORE BLACK EYED PEAS SONG...WHETHER IT BE:"MY HUMPS", LUMPS..WHATEVA"U KNOW THAT U LIKE MY STYLE"..BLAH BLAH..AND THEIR LATEST:"THE BRAZILIAN SAMBA SONG"...FEATURING THE 'LA LA LA LA' BY MISS 'I WET MY PANTS' FERGIE... I WILL BE FORCED TO BE HOOKED UP TO AN IV OF TOLERABLE SONGS...

Don't get me wrong...I used to like the Black Eyed Peas...like 3 albums ago..but I read an article in entertainment weekly basically saying they had to sell their soul to the devil and give up their moral values...just cuz they wanted to sell more records..let's face it..no one knows about their 3 previous albums (which by the way..didnt sell much..but were critically acclaimed..and I personally think ..were their best work)...and now they are like ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!!The bad part...it's not like i hate them...but no matter how hard i try to avoid them...i know their songs!!!!Like the other days..me and Mary were on the phone precisely talking about how the 'hump' song...has us bananas..and then we were like saying how we would only sing to men the verse that went:"spending all your money on me ..and spending time on me"...I cursed her all day for having that verse on the tip of my tongue the rest of my work day...DAMN U MARY!!

JESUS CHRIST...

and another one on my "will u please not play that song again" is:James Blund/blunt...what's his face:"your beautiful" song..it's nice..it's sweet..but it's being played over and over and over..and the guy sounds like he has a terrible nose congestion...

I wish I had a radio station...and that answers everyone's question as to: "Damn..why do u buy so much music?"

Cuz I dont wanna go have a convulsion while i'm driving...

and i'm not even gonna go into the Puerto Rican "Reggaeton" Revolution...where men 'rap' about how women are dogs and need to get hit with a stick...(actual verses of actual song)...I recently heard a real nice one about how he likes it when and i quote: "ur thong is wet"..unquote..at 9am while driving to work...almost killed a pedestrian...

speaking of pedestrians...today..twice...two pedestrians came out of nowhere to try and cross in front of me...

People, I am blind..I wear glasses...I am a fierce driver...do not pop out of the middle of nowhere to cross...and then cross as slowly as u can..because u figure u haven't annoyed the shit out of me yet (yes...I decided to write 'shit' without an asterisk..who gives a crap)...Pedestrians here in Puerto Rico, suffer from the "sacred cow syndrome"..it's where they think they live in India and are sacred cows not to be reckoned with...then they give u the "can't u see i'm crossing the street" glare...I may have a mini-van..but if ur gonna pull a bullshit move like that on me....ur a** is worth 100 points in my "Need for Speed Game" Puerto Rico version:

dont get me wrong...i am a good driver...excellent driving history..no tickets..no violations..never been pulled over...except for the time my mom ..yes my mom..decided to wear her seatbelt in a funny way...and the cop pulled us over and lectured my mom on the proper seatbelt wearing procedure..and how she would fly out of the windshield if she didn't obey that...i can still recall my mom gritting through her teeth: how thoughtful of u mister officer...

anyway...point being...pedestrians have crossing points...don't jump out from behind a dumpster...while on the phone...dazing into 'la la land" and assume that just because u have done this I have an obligation to stop...no matter how much u physically resemble a cow...this ain't the India..and I ain't Abdul Kalam...

WARNING...!! THIS ENTRY IS KINDA OF CREEPY..at least to me it is..it is all true...unless I am really insane...and these things did indeed happen to me...

Let's go back to 1990..I was about 11 or 10..not to good with numbers...we were in Vineland New Jersey...visting some friends of friends of my parents...I did not know these people..and they did not know me...They had a girl..about two years my senior...and they paired me up with her for entertainment pursposes..her room was in the attic..and she led me there to play...I was then introduced to the magnificent Ouija board...i had never played with it...and thought it was a bunch of sh*t...so we decided to play...

I thought..how cool would it be to contact a dead person...and the girl's like "yeah...u do that"..

So i decided to contact my dead grandfather..(my mom's dad)..he died when i was like 2..so I hardly remember him..not to mention..he lived in Puerto Rico..so I guess I saw him like once in my life...

So we're like giggling..and Im like:"hello, I would like to talk to my grandfather"....minutes passed and NADA..ZIP ..ZERO.."Are u there grandpa"..then the thingy moved slowly to 'YES'I thought of course..the other girl moved it there..so I did not believe i was actually taking to my dead grandad..Then I'm like:"if u really are my grandad...what is my nickname?"Sure enough..my nickname was spelled out..I was slightly turning a bit paler at this moment..because..this girl, who I just met..did not know my nickname..Then came the point in which i quit playing..."What is ur full name, if u are indeed my grandpa"His full name was completely spelled out...

Know I knew something was not right...Ouija was never played again in my life...

I understood then..that things indeed go bump in the night..

But...Let's go forward... to 1993....October 31st 1993. Why this date? This was the date that I moved to Puerto Rico. Yes, on Hallow's Eve...aka Halloween...

I had up to this point led a 'normal' life..sleeping well, eating well...occasional nightmares..but nothing too creepy..

But during my first week of living here I experimented nightmares revolving around the same person: Michael Meyers...the killer from the Halloween movies...and of course in my nightmares he was not looking me up for a date...and it was this repetitive nightmare over and over and over...my first week...i had this nightmare every single day...me and my mom thought it was mere stress due to the move...but then things got worse...

At this point I was living at my grandmother's house...and during my nightmares...while i was in my nightmares...I could verbally say : "Hey this is a nightmare" and force myself to wake up...but one night...as I got up from a nightmare, I felt a force...like cold hands pushing me back down to my bed...and I tried to get out of my nightmare again..and the hands kept pushing me back....of course...no one believed me...leading to me not wanting to go to bed...and just going bezerk everytime I heard the "Halloween" theme song...

As months passed and I got settled in...the nightmares became less frequent...but they still were the same scenario: M.Meyers out to get me...but they became so less frequent I kind of started sleeping again..and not being scared...until...

We moved out of my grandmother's house at around early November (seeing a pattern of time lines here?? huh??) the following year...My parent's had bought a house and I was going to have a nice room...and all was well...

About after a month of moving in...things started to happen...for example..my mom would hear me call her name..when I didn't and vice-versa....at nighttime...I was starting to feel like something was odd...like I was not alone in my bedroom...then as time passed...I started to hear things...I heard voices calling out my name in the middle of the night from my window..(no..it wasnt any boyfriend...or secret admirer..at least alive I mean)...I would see shadows, like hands at my window...I started feeling so scared I didnt even dare climb out of bed to go call my parents...

I mentioned this once or twice, but my parents shrugged it off.."ur probably just dreaming.."Then one night...as I was in bed..trying to go to sleep...with my back turned to the door...I felt this really heavy 'sensation'...like the room began to feel stuffy...crowded almost...I felt like if someone was standing behind me...and when I finally got the courage to look behind me..there HE was...I don't know who HE was...but HE was not selling girlscout cookies...He was a man..all in black...with his face unrecognizable...and he pointed to me...I felt as if my throat was snapped shut..I could not breathe..or scream...I know understood at this point..why the stupid girls in horror flicks don't scream so quickly...and when he pointed he told me:

"u are mine".....in a very nonchalant way...

I did not dream this...I was not crazy...I closed my eyes...and prayed like u have no idea...and that is a lot to say..considering I am almost an athiest...

and with my eyes shut...I felt the heaviness drift away..I knew he was gone...

I screamed my ass out..and my parents came to my rescue...

I was 17 sleeping with my parents...I almost wet the bed a couple of times..in fear of going to the bathroom...

Weeks went by and I was just an insomniac....I was terrified of sleeping..like some Freddy Krueger flick...I did not want to sleep in my room..and was bunking with my parent every night...

My parents finally coaxed me into going to my room again...and the first few nights it was good..then the voices came back...louder...and tapping on my windows...one night...I will never forget...

a yell and loud tap at my window "YAAAAAAAARRRRRRRIIIIIIII!!!"(my nickname)

I managed to get the courage to tip toe out of my bed..and in tears went to my parents bedroom:"Mom..they are at my window again"...

I remember I made my parents go outside..check the car port...check under the car in the carport..I was f*cking paranoid...and my mom gave me a really worried look and said:

"Honey..u need to get help..."

Nights went on and off like this...and my mother strongly suggested I go to church....but I declined...

My days were allright..it was my nights that were really off ...but then...my days began to go cookoo as well...

One day I walked into my room...and there were bats on my ceiling...BATS...!! yes bats...by the time i made my mom come in...obviously...they weren't there....

The last straw came one morning....

I was on my way to school...my parents had the upstairs house rented out to this Christian couple, nice, quiet folk that kept to themselves...the husband's name was Jesus...so anyway..i open my door...go and open the gate..and I feel someone looking at me....so I turn around..and there in broad daylight is Jesus on the steps with sunglasses on...only that he looked kinda of weird...so i say good morning to him..and he just sat there....sooo what would any girl in my position do....Haul ass to school...

When I got home I told my mom about the incident...and being the worried mother she is..she called Jesus to ask him...and guess what??????????????????????????????????????????

He was not on the steps...he wasnt even home!!!!!

Now my mom is really freaked out and tells Jesus about my 'looney bin' episodes...and then Jesus tells us the most creepy jawdropping story...

He said he was not surprised that this was happening..and that I was not 'crazy'...at least he admitted to that...

But he told us this:

That one evening...as he was lying in bed, the devil came to him and tried to possess him....long story short..he beat the devil's ass up..after being possessed for a few minutes by him..and as the devil 'ran' from his home...Jesus saw him go into ours...

Point blank: Our house was possessed by the devil...and the devil picked me out as his target..or so Jesus' version...

So they (Jesus and his wife) decided to come and 'cleanse' my room...perform an exorcism sounds so harsh...anyhoot..they came to my house....to my room..with Holy Water....prayed..cleaned...and when his wife touched my forehead..she told me "God had special plans for me"....I of course, shook that off..

Whatever they did..it worked...the following nights were quiet...and light..I could literally feel the serenity in the air...

Then one night...yep..They're baaack!!..

I'm in my bed...(picture the man in black story above)...and I feel the "i am not alone" feeling...So I turn around..and guess what I see:

A man...late thirties...dark complexion...with a low fro' (afro)...with like a suit on...he has large rimmed glasses and a big boom box next to him..he began to speak but his voice actually came out of the radio:

"....He needs u....God has a plan for u...don't worry"

i ask "what plan???, who sent u?"

..and as he walks away..he finishes "don't worry about that...he has good plans for you"...

and with that...the odd things stopped....for a few years..

Go Forward to 2000..Things were good..things were great...sleeping...partying..no more voices..ghosts...whatever..Then...my Grandmother dies...not any grandma'.."The grandma" The rock of the family..the foundation...Everyone was devastated...especially my mom....The weeks following her funeral were really bad...my mom was very depressed...then one night...my grandmother came to me in a dream...

The phone was ringing...and I pick it up...it was my grandmother...In the dream..i know she is dead..so i am shocked to hear her voice...and she tells me : "hey 'jincha' (means really white skinned person)..tell ur mother not to cry for me..I am allright...and things will work themselves out...I am at peace"...

Obviously..since I have been labeled as a cookoo..my mom almost killed me cuz she thought i was making this up...which I would never do..The day following this dream as I was driving home from work i saw her once more..in the sky..The clouds had alined in a way that they spread out like thin white hair..and two opened arms..and in the middle for the 'face' was the brightly lit sun...

After this moment...I got married..moved out of the house...and all 'odd' things stopped...then, after i had Miss C, my parents offered us the upstairs house...yes the one where the devil got his ass kicked my Jesus (ironic huh?...which part is ironic? the part where Jesus beats the devil's ass up or the part of me moving into a previously possessed house...both..well actually the last part is plain massochistic)..anyhoot I moved upstairs...and now I just have continuous nightmares of the end of the world...

One week I dreamt the same thing: planes crashing into the ground..killing thousands...I have nightmares that we will be victims of a massive genocide......once i dreamt that Miss C and my mom were hidden under a pile of bodies and men with guns searched to kill surving people..and Miss C was giggling..and my horrified mother was trying to cover up her mouth..and I watching from afar, crying..knowing that they were gonna get killed....I see me coming home to the piles of bodies..and people sheltered underground like jews...I smell the blood..and the smoke...and hear the screams and the massive hysteria...

I have nightmares revolving around my beliefs...that I am possesed by the devil..that I speak in tongues...that people are trying to save me...

Once in a nightmare, they succeded..because i remember wings coming out of my back..and me yelling back..that I was an angel...

As for hearing and seeing things....I don't hear them...or see them...but once in a while...I feel them..I know that they are there...but for some reason...do not wish to contact me anymore...I still have like this odd 6th sense...I can read people pretty well...feel things coming..and I am a big believer that anything that my mind can conjure...has the possibility of existing...I can no longer watch things, like shows on paranormal things (as much as they fascinate me), or movies that deal with these things..because they trigger long weeks of insomnia...and nightmares...

As for my old room...no one sleeps there..it is a storage room...my mother had the idea of putting a spare bed for Miss C and me to sleep there in case of emergencies..but believe me..I'll take my chances elsewhere...