Red: “Where is that Lion Mating special I taped off the Discovery Channel? …Ah, here it is.”

(he pops it in the vcr and then settles back on the couch, turning it on)

Red: “At last…”

TV: The lion mating–“

(then the tape is abruptly cut off as the madonna concert comes on. red’s jaw nearly hits the ground)

TV: *singing* “Music, makes the people come together. Yeah.”

Red: “Oh…” *hangs head* “It is my lot in life to have everything ruined…” *looks up* “Is that Reno?”

19. FROM Tag Sale of Horrors

(and finally, at the disco-center)

Nightmare: *twirling around singing along to a cd* “I need a hero! I’m holding out for a hero till the end of the night! He’s gotta be strong, and it’s gotta be soon, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!”

Nemesis: *dancing* “STARS!”

(they both look up to see rufus standing in the doorway, his eyes wide. nemesis and nightmare both stare back with the same ‘deer in the headlights’ look. then nightmare quickly drops his sword on the cd player and it falls to the floor and turns off. then everybody freezes. rufus then slowly walks forward, grabs mr. jingles off one of the registers, and slowly backs out of the store, leaving them alone. once outside rufus shudders in horror and pets mr. jingles lovingly)

Rufus: “I’m never leaving you alone again.”

18. FROM Sun, Sand and Seaweed

Irvine: “What about Reno?”

Rufus: *shrugs* “Forget him. He breaks the law, he can find his own way home.”

(Meanwhile…..)

Reno: *on the phone* “Come on! Someone has to be there!! The room is hardly ever empty!”

Operator: “I’m sorry, the line you called has been disconnected because the bill has not been paid. Have a nice day.”

Reno: “NO!!!!!”

Cop: *takes away the phone* “That’s your one call.”

Reno: “NO!!!!”

(Meanwhile….)

Irvine:*agrees* “Yeah, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

17. FROM Rufus Makes a Movie

Rufus: “Well…what did everyone think?”

(everyone mumbles stuff, either disgustedly or just plain unhappily and they all get up and leave the theatre, leaving rufus alone)

Lark: “About what Irvine wrote to me.” *unfolds paper* “I’ll read it to you.”

Sephiroth: *furiously* “Let me guess—” *with emotion as he walks to her* “My dearest Lark–My loveliest of *lovely* Lark, Oh how I love you. You have lead me to you, like a horse to water, only to fall for another man. It saddens me *greatly*… but I must push forward… I must let my love for you shine out like a million candles on a moonless night… I must have you… you are like a mountain. A moutain of love… a mountain of beauty… I would give this *planet* just to see you smile… I would plead to the Gods that it would make you smile…” *has both hands on either side of her, braced on the back of the couch and looks down at her* “Is that how it went?”

Lark: *eyes wide* “Yeah…”

Sephiroth: “That’s what I thought.” *straightens up and stomps out of the room*

Lark: *blinks* “Wow… I wonder who told him?”

15. FROM This is Shinra Inc.

(hours later there’s an old janitor wheeling a mop and bucket towards the infamous bathroom. With a tired sigh he pushes the door opens and goes inside. You can immediately hear the mop hit the floor)

Janitor’s voice: “FOR THE LOVE OF G-D! What kind of monster did this?!”

14. FROM Three Heads Are Better Than One

(finally, back at loser land, hojo lies beat up and bleeding on the floor, his limbs twisted in many painful ways. Heidegger is now lying on his back while stinky stands over him, feeding him chips. And finally Scarlet and nida enter holding cups from starbucks while kuja and Seymour come in as well, holding many shopping bags)

Zell: “Hey, Lark! The Myterry Machanie isn’t starting! And Dracula can’t find his eye! And Seifer won’t stop whining that he’s hungry! And Jackie and Rinoa are fighting! And Algus is making Zidane clean up all the mud before he’ll leave the building! And almost all the Kinneas brothers are already drunk! And Vincent got his claw stuck in a window! And Laguna is crying over something Kiros said Ward said! And Yuffie wants some materia! And Tseng is choking San Diego for hitting on Reeve! And Hojo let the licky licky monster loose! And Treize and Zechs won’t stop singing ‘I’ve Got You Babe’! And Heidegger is trying to eat the seat belts! And Cid keeps saying all this stuff! And Quistis got us all free IRS pens! And Kuja is hogging all the mirrors! And Interceptor licked me, but Shadow said he’s gonna kill me in my sleep! And Twilight won’t put away his lightsaber! And Quatre keeps saying how beautiful the bus is! And the Belmonts are plotting to kill the vampires! And I asked Squall what to do, but all he said was ‘whatever’!”

Lark: “Don’t worry about it, Zell. I’ll be out there in a minute.”

(zell leaves again)

Sephiroth: “You really going to deal with all that?”

Lark: *shrugs and sighs* “I’ve gotten used to this sort of thing by now.”

(and with that, they both leave, off for more adventure)

9. FROM Time Heals No Wounds

Vincent: “…You’re lying!”

Sephiroth: “I wouldn’t lie! That would make me like Hojo! Do you think I want to be like him?!”

Vincent: “You lie, you betray me – you already are!”

Sephiroth: *stunned* “How *dare* you! How could you—“

Vincent: “I could ask the same of you! Why, Sephiroth? Just tell me why it has to be like this!”

Sephiroth: “Because you mean nothing to me!”

(words alone cannot describe the hurt look on vincent’s face. that look quickly turns to anger. glaring at sephiroth, vincent picks his clothes off the floor)

Vincent: “We made a promise! A promise that we would always love each other!” *throws sephiroth his clothes* “But now even I’m finding it hard to keep!”

(vincent starts crying. sephiroth says nothing. he just takes his clothes and quickly throws them on. then without looking back at vincent he leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. then he turns around bangs his fist on the door and yells at it)

Sephiroth: “Argh! Promises are made to be broken! You can’t live in the past! Just like you can’t predict the future! Time heals no pain! It just causes more of it! You should know that by now!”

(with that he just slams on the door again and walks away. tseng, lark and auron, who had all been standing in the hallway, just watch him as he storms by and out of sight. and despite all of this, there is not a peep from vincent’s room.)

8. FROM Some Porn Can Be Bad

(A little while later, rufus wakes up. He yawns and stretches before checking his clock)

Rufus: “Hey! I’m alive!” *frowns* “Dammit. But I missed my show.”

(he gets up and goes over to the glass.)

Rufus: “Hey! Where are all the bodies?” *frowns* “Maybe she took them with her or something.” *shrugs* “I’m bored.”

(just then squall walks in. rufus turns his speakers on)

Rufus: “Hey, Squall, slide a video through the slot in the front, will you? I’m bored.”

Squall: “Sure. Whatever.”

(he grabs the video lying next to the vcr and puts it in the slot. He leaves and rufus pops it in the vcr before sitting back to relax)

Rufus: “Ah. Finally some peace and quiet.”

(suddenly the video comes on and it’s the ring video again)

Rufus: *eyes wide* “What the….” *screams* “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

7. FROM Return of the Max

(the rest of the reception went wonderfully, and everyone had a great time. now it’s very late, and there is a crew cleaning up the remains of the party. elena, rufus, reeve, tseng, max and lily are all still there, sitting at a table and just taking it all in. tseng is holding a sleeping lily in his arms and rufus has max on his lap)

Rufus: “Did you have fun, Max?”

Max: *nods with a smile*

Rufus: “Good. Well you’re going to be having lots of fun with me and your mom and your new family now.”

Tseng: *looks at rufus* “We make an odd family.”

Rufus: “Maybe. But we make a great one.”

6. FROM Somewhere In My Memory (part one)

Zack: “I know that when I worked for your company, I was injected with something.”

Rufus: “It’s ma–”

Zack: “Besides mako. I know what mako is. There’s something else. I must have been injected with something different. Something…special.”

Rufus: “…Okay… So why do you wanna talk to me about it?”

Zack: “Because…you have it too.”

(and certainly rufus j. shinra has never looked more shocked in his life. Because as a member of soldier, zack was injected with something ‘different’ and ‘special’. And that something, is jenova)

5. FROM Sephiroth Land

Tseng: “Oh, by the way, Rufus, I have a present for you.” *hands him doujinshi*

Rufus: “Oh, that’s nice of you, Tseng, after I emotionally scarred you and all.” *looks at it* “Oh look! I’m on the cover!!” *opens it and his eyes nearly come out of his head* “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING TO RENO!?!?!”

Lark: “Rufus, dear, you have to read that backwards, dear.” *snickers*

(just then reno comes in, looking quite annoyed)

Reno: “Today sucked! Nothing’s gone my way!” *pouts*

Rufus: “AH!!! RENO!!!” *drops the doujinshi and runs out*

Reno: “What was that about? What’s this?” *picks it up*

Everyone: *sweat drops*

Reno: *opens it and his eyes get really wide* “Well, at least *someone* wanted to bang Reno.”

4. FROM Quit Playing Games With My Head

(suddenly there’s koudelka standing behind the two way mirror looking into the rpg main character syndrome group. She’s staring at rudy, who’s sitting there humming to himself as usual. The rest of the group sits there doing nothing. Next to her is yuri, who looks really annoyed. Slowly she takes her eyes away from rudy and looks at yuri, looking very confused)

Yuri: “Koudelka! Finally! I’ve been calling you for like a minute! Where the hell were you?”

(koudelka looks back at rudy, who still sits there looking dazed and humming to himself)

Koudelka: “…I don’t know…”

3. FROM Somewhere In My Memory (part two)

(zack goes into the room cautiously. He shuts the door behind him. Cloud sits there smiling, but he says nothing. Zack goes over and kneels in front of cloud.)

Zack: “Cloud… I remember, Cloud. I remember everything we went through. I remember what they did to us. I can’t stand to see you like this. And I’m going to do everything in my power to help you remember. I want you to look at me and know who I am again. Shinra got the best of me before. But… But I won’t let that ever happen again.”

(cloud’s eyes still look blank. Zack sighs and looks upset, like he’s about to cry. He doesn’t say anything else as he stands up and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.)

Cloud: “…………………………Bye, Zack.”

2. FROM Sephiroth’s Award

(he walks off down the hall. vincent sighs and goes to the next door which has garbage he hasn’t collected yet. it’s sephiroth’s. there’s only a small bag outside but vincent goes to pick it up and finds it’s rather heavy and there the sound of metal clanking together inside.)

Vincent: “What on earth is making this so heavy?”

(and he opens the bag, finding inside the remains of sephiroth’s villain award. and vincent can’t help but smile, some tears of joy welling up in his eyes)

Vincent: “I knew I knew you, angel.”

1. FROM And That’s the Way the Vampires Have Their Picnic

(Meanwhile, back over at the ramble complex, rufus and algus sit on the porch swing, enjoying the nice evening. In the background zidane is cleaning the pee off the limo with a toothbrush. Suddenly the whole sky is overcome with bats. All three of them look up and watch in shock. Then one of the bats comes in and swoops down in front of them. The bat turns into alucard and before anyone can say or do anything, alucard throws up all over algus and rufus, covering them in blood puke from head to foot. Alucard then just passes out on the floor. Rufus and algus say nothing, they just sit there in disgusted shock. Sephiroth then passes by dripping wet and muttering something. He steps right over alucard and goes inside. Meanwhile zidane is still watching all of this from by the limo.)

This is it. Seriously.

These are my rambles. I don't write them anymore. They were insane and crazy fun to write, but they are over.
However.
I can't seem to take them off the internet. So here they rest, for the long foreseeable future, for anyone who still might get a chuckle out of them.

Search for:

Subscribe!

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.