Out in the jungles 'neath the sun In a bright cerulean sky I wandered weary, woeful when A nauga happened by!

This nauga gave me cause to cheer My every tear, he dried; And as a gift when parting he Gave up his nauga hide.

"Oh take it with you, as a gift!" The nauga said with pride. "Do not believe I'd be bereft! "I've another one inside!"

"We always grow them twice, you see!" Our hides are all grown double So when we want to give a gift, It saves all kinds of trouble!"

And so I wandered with his hide Through jungle, vale, and fen And all went well until the time I was to go home again!

I'd none of gold or diamonds fine To claim in the customs line. But I was told to bring that hide Would incur a healthy fine! And so I folded it in half And twice again, for fair. And hid that hide inside my case Beneath my underwear.

And smuggled it through customs, too! They never guessed or found it! Perhaps because of the BVDs, Well-used, unwashed, around it! And I don't regret, now, that I lied Nor feel guilt for my pelf, For I had nothing there to hide Except for hide itself!

Delaware Masturbators March Against O'Donnell Largest Pro-wanking Demonstration in History

WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O'Donnell's anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators "because they're used to acting alone."

Mr. Farger, the executive director of the pro-monkey-spanking group MasturNation, said that the "wank and file" of his organization believe that masturbation is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Constitution.

"Our country was founded by rugged individualists," he said. "And you know what individualists like to do."

He said that Ms. O'Donnell's anti-whacking position was "ill-timed," adding, "In this economy, masturbation is one of the few simple pleasures people still can afford."

Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturbator from Dover, Delaware, said she is "puzzled" by what she sees as the contradictory nature of candidate O'Donnell's position: "If you're against masturbation, why would you want to serve in Congress?"

A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturbators March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, "especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterwards."

Wahl, podners, mah vacashun's done. Tomorrow we're saddlin' up ta ride West, outa Wyomin' an' back ta Pocatello. Be back at the home ranch on Sunday sometime. This hyar wild an' crazy life is jist a bit too much fer me. Met some Lakota, Northern Cheyenne, Eastern Shoshone, Arapahoes, and folks like those, good folks all of 'em. But the gold dust is runnin' low and we gotta go pan out some more so's I kin make mah Gitaway.

With as many UKers as there are at Mudcat, I think we'd most of us have gotten that on our own. But I love it when Little Hawk takes a moment to explain things to MOM. His voice gets quiet and their heads nod together and it's just such a great photo opportunity. . .

Sure does. Actually, Chongo has been a real gentleman any time he was around here, but he can be dangerous if provoked, specially if provoked by a stranger (or a gorilla). No doubt about that. I don't provoke him.

I have been gently suggesting to him that being President of the USA isn't really all that great, not exactly a bowl of cherries, and that he'd probably be much happier if he abandonded the political career and stuck to sleuthing.

He said to me, "Look, I know it's a tough and thankless job. I know that people will dump all their problems on ya and blame ya every time somethin' goes wrong. But I can't just stand aside and see my country goin' to the dogs and do nothin'. The call of duty is ringin' in my ears, and I gotta answer that call! I owe it to every sufferin' ape and monkey on the street, and I can't let 'em down."

The is something WRONG with half a cream separator, a pair of bronzed cowboy boots only slightly worn out, and the wringer mechanism for a washing machine sans rollers? It's not like the broken bottles and spoiled leftovers Amos brings back, you know.

I did a little recycling today at the recycling and trash collection depot, is all. They apparently are collecting some stuff for a vendor that they used to let anyone pick up. I decided to play by the old rules and picked up a couple of useful items for a friend.

"EFFERSON CITY, MO (The Borowitz Report) Ð A rabid Doberman Pinscher jumped on stage at a Tea Party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly twenty minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.

The dog, later identified by its owner as ÒMister Buster,Ó held the crowd spellbound as he barked, growled, and frothed at the mouth, eventually receiving a standing ovation for his exertions.

Gwendolene Thomason, 42, a Tea Party supporter from Jefferson City, was one of the hundreds on hand who were convinced that the Doberman was a Tea Party candidate until he was outed as a dog.

ÒI liked what he had to say,Ó she said. ÓHe reminded me of Glenn Beck, only furrier.Ó

The DobermanÕs canine identity finally became clear when he lunged at a man in the front row and wrested a hamburger from his right hand, taking two of the manÕs fingers with it.

While the discovery that Mister Buster was not a Tea Party candidate disappointed many in attendance, Ms. Thomason held out hope that, dog or no, he might consider running for office at some point.

ÒI liked the way he bit off that guyÕs hand, and the way he did his business in the middle of the stage,Ó she said. ÓWe need more of that in Washington.Ó"

That's just plain silly, Amos. I love the thing he did about the Masturbator's March, but that thing about the Doberman is just silly, and I'll tell you why. People who insist on reducing their political opponents to gross stereotypes are engaging in something that is intellectually lazy and morally reprehensible, because it's an exercise in hatred and snide superiority...regardless what side of the issue they stand on.

I can't applaud Mr Borowitz for putting together that piece, because he's making himself just as prejudiced as the worst of the very people he's making fun of...and basking in his own sense of entitlement and moral superiority, just the way they do.