No cell phones on airplanes? Like, how rude!

March 25, 2007|By Mary Schmich

NEWS ITEM: The Federal Communications Commission will give up on the idea of allowing cell phone use on airplanes, the chairman said Thursday, because it is not clear whether the network on the ground can handle the calls.

- - -

Hey, girlfriend. Thanks for calling. Yeah, me too, totally bummed. The FCC is such a bunch of jerks.

I mean, I was totally psyched that I was going to get to use my cell on the plane. I can't believe they've said no way. Like they really expect modern people to spend two whole hours not talking on the phone? Like we've got that much of our lives to waste being quiet?

This is like the worst air travel news since they banned smoking.

Like, hello, this is a democracy, guys. Whatever happened to freedom of expression?

And all that FCC blah-blah about how the network can't handle the calls? Right. And Dick Cheney's the next Dalai Lama.

Know what I think? I think those FCC guys just buckled to the Luddite whiners who said they didn't want to listen to cell phone yakkers in the next seat. So what if an airplane is a confined space? Precisely why I need my cell. God save me from talking to the other bozos on the plane.

This is like total discrimination. Like I don't have a right to use my cell on the plane in case of emergency?

Speaking of emergencies, I chipped a tooth last night when I was out for Thai with Jason--he's such a jerk, but I'll get back to that--and so I spent an hour and a half in the dentist chair this morning.

That DDS is as bad as the FCC. I was trying to talk on my cell--I mean, my life is too busy for me to just sit in that chair doing nothing--but the doc claimed it made it hard for him to drill. Like, hello, do they not teach these people any skills in dental school?

Oh, and before I left the dentist, the hygienist gave me one of those rubber tip thingies and said I should pay more attention to my gums and ...

Hang on, hon. There's this idiot next to me--yeah, I'm on the train--and this Neanderthal is talking on his cell so loud I can hardly hear myself.

Sir? Sir? Could you keep it down? I'm on an important call, OK? Well, my oral hygiene may not be important to you, but it is a top priority for me.

OK, I'm back. Where was I? Oh yeah, so the only thing I like about going to the dentist is that they always give me free floss and a new toothbrush, which saves a little money, which is good because my insurance only covers 80 percent of the bill and you would think dentists were movie stars from what they charge and ...

Can you hang on again? This loudmouth is totally on my nerves.

Sir? Do I really need to listen to your cell phone conversation about your weekend in Puerto Rico with your boyfriend? This is a public space. A little courtesy? Puh-leeze?

OK, I'm back. What a jerk. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, cell phones on airplanes. You know, I pay good money for an airline ticket. What's next? They tell me I'm not entitled to the whole armrest even if I get it first?

Sorry, hang on again. Some idiot across the aisle is giving me the evil eye.

What, lady, what? I'm on an important call. No, I can't make it later. Yes, this is a public space. At least we agree on that, but, hey, lady, public means it's my space too.

OK, I'm back. Geez. People are so clueless and rude. That's one thing that just kills me about people, you know? They act like they're the only person in the universe.

Wait, I've got another call. Let me get rid of 'em. No, no, don't hang up. I want to tell you all about that jerk Jason before I get to the airport.