Marissa Jaret Winokur’s Blog: Scary Mommy Bullies

Thanks for welcoming our newest celebrity blogger, Marissa Jaret Winokur! The actress, who co-hosts the new CBS daytime chat show, The Talk, is mom to 2-year-old Zev Isaac with her husband Judah Miller. Winokur, 37, was diagnosed with cervical cancer 10 years ago, had a hysterectomy and later welcomed her son with the help of a surrogate. Though her road to motherhood had a few twists and turns, she faces the same joys — and challenges — as any working mom. In her latest blog, Winokur tells of accidentally locking Zev in the car — and feeling judged by other moms for it.

Courtesy Marissa Jaret Winokur

Bullying seems to be all the talk this month, so I want to talk about mommy bullies! It’s not like I drive Zev to preschool and there’s a mom waiting there to steal my lunch money or tease me about being fat … but the mommy bullies are just as scary and threatening!

The Club

I find that the “moms club” is a very, very exclusive club! It’s the club of mothers who wear skinny jeans and white button-down shirts and wash their hair twice a day! I do NOT, and mothers who do make me feel really bad. You know who I am talking about!

Just to be clear, my husband was very grateful I started working again — because it meant I’d wash my hair and change my clothes. (I live in “workout clothes” … and never work out!) If no tissue is in arm’s reach, I’d rather wipe Zev’s nose on my sleeve than let it run. How many of you have licked a pacifier or a lollipop clean if it falls on the floor before giving it back to your child? Yes, I am that mom…

I guess it’s more that I feel judged than bullied, but moms are really hard on other moms! We are all stressed out and at the end of our ropes. At any second of any day I feel like I could just snap.

We have to support each other’s tired nerves, I know that sounds so Pollyanna, but really … Mommy groups can be amazing, but haven’t you ever gone to one and felt like you are back in high school, totally on the outside of the “cool kids” club? I totally have!!

Courtesy Marissa Jaret Winokur

The Car Incident

Okay, so here’s what set this off: I pull into the parking lot of the preschool the other day with Zev crying his eyes out, not wanting to get out of the car. I grab his knapsack and stick my phone and keys inside it because I know I’ll need both hands to wrestle Zev out of the car.

I start putting his sneakers on while he’s still strapped into his car seat, with the door wide open and the knapsack next to him. A rude mom asks if I can shut the door so she can get out. I say, “One sec.” Then she said, “I’m in a rush,” so I say, “Oh fine!”

I shut the door and back away so she can get out. Then I hear “BEEP BEEP.” OMG! OMG! The car is locked!! I locked the doors before placing the keys into Zev’s bag! And now the bag with my keys and phone are inside with my son, who is already scared to death!!

“Call 911, call 911,” I start screaming. The secretary comes out and says, “Call AAA.” I just know that will take too long. I cry, “Call 911!” I start losing my cool … so now my son and I are both crying. I tell the secretary, “I’ll just break a window,” thinking that would make her realize how serious I am. It works! I hear the sirens coming.

By now, every mother is watching — NOT HELPING — watching me and my son as if we were a reality TV show and not living breathing humans! Mind you, I’m wearing what I wore to bed (leggings and a tank top), I have makeup on from the night before, my hair is tied back in a rat’s nest and I’m barefoot because my flip-flops are stuck in the car.

I could feel the moms’ judging looks piercing through me. One mom tried to make me feel better, but I think it was really just to get a closer look!

The firemen quickly free my son. We both can’t stop crying (though the hot firemen make us both feel better, and my son gets to see a real live fire truck up close)! The school faculty tell me I can’t leave because I’m too upset to drive. So I sit on the front steps with Zev and wait until they say I can go. I will say, one mom did sit with me to help calm me down.

When I talked about it with my family and friends later, everyone had a story about how it had either happened to them too or someone they knew! No one — I repeat no one from the school had a story to share: They all seemed to think that it was strange I was sitting there barefoot, crying. I think it would have been stranger if I wasn’t crying!

Anyway, here’s the deal: If we aren’t nice to each other as mommies, our children will learn from us and they won’t be nice to each other in school. It starts with us. (P.S. — the woman who sat with me to make me feel better? She has the sweetest daughter in the world and that’s not a coincidence.)

Appreciation and Advice

Note from last week: Thank you for all your support and comments! That was the first time I really felt like part of a “mommy club.” My balancing act has gotten worse and I need a sleeping intervention … maybe next week!

Okay wait, one more thing! Being Halloween week, I need advice. It took me weeks to get Zev to put on a costume. Weeks! But now that I got him in it, he won’t take it off!! I do not want to celebrate Thanksgiving with the Incredible Hulk. What do I do?!

I understand the feeling of being judged, and not accepted, but I think maybe the other mothers were reacting to your reaction. I know it’s scary to lock your child in the car, but at that moment, the child is looking to you to help him know that he will be ok, and that you are in control, and will get him out.

I’m not judging your reaction, I have felt that level of panic too, but sometimes becoming really overwhelmed to the point of being told you cannot drive in front of your child is more damaging and more memorable to your child than the fact that he was locked in the car.

bepen
on October 29th, 2010

Great article. I was on Leave Without Pay for first 5 months of my 20 month old daughters birth. I was tempted to join a Mommy and Me group and stuff like that. But then I started reading about this Mommy bullying type thing, how instead of Mothers supporting each other, it was more like a competition and judgement period.

No thanks, I’d rather stay home and spend quality time with my LO. She is now in daycare and I still have that hesitancy of showing any type of weakness with the other moms for fear of being judged. I am very sorry only one person came to your aid. You are not alone, you are human and many have gone through this. Hang in there and I really appreciate your honest blogs.

Jacqui
on October 29th, 2010

You’re gorgeous, Marissa, and your son is adorable. You’re beautiful, confident, successful and funny. I know it’s a tired cliche, but it’s true: people are jealous!

Also, I know that feeling of being an outsider. I feel that way at my son’s music class. It’s full of crazy hippies and I feel like such an idiot dancing around and singing those goofy songs. And some of the moms – and the teacher – can be so rude. Like the other day, passing the box of triangles around, but the mom next to me put it BEHIND me so I didn’t see it and didn’t say anything to me. The teacher came over and literally scolded me, “Please keep the triangle box going around! Please take one and pass it around!!” she instructed, harshly. I felt like a child!

Kate
on October 29th, 2010

Aww poor Marissa! I was welling up myself while reading this! It’s easy for someone else to say keep your cool for your childs sake but when it’s actually happening to you it can be impossible. Don’t think the Mummy who was in a hurry helped much, this would have stressed me out, then the keys getting locked in makes it a million times worse. These two always look so happy and relaxed x

Angi
on October 29th, 2010

*applause*

Anonymous
on October 29th, 2010

This totally off topic, I love your haircolor. Do you do an all over dye, or do you highlight? What brands and colors do you use? I am just curious since I have exactly your coloring, the same brown eyes and skincolor, and never thought blonde would look good on me, but it does on you, so I want to give it a try.🙂

Heather
on October 29th, 2010

Hey Marissa! I’m excited to be the so high in the comment list in hopes you’ll get to read this. You are very accurate in what you say and it’s sad that Moms can be that way. My son is almost 8 and I still take him to school in work out pants and the first t-shirt I grab. It’s early, I’ve been doing the rush of breakfast, packing lunch, making sure his teeth are brushed etc. I don’t get dolled up before dropping him off. He goes to a new school this year and the Moms are very stuck up which is such a change from our previous tiny town and I too have been struggling with that.

When I see a Mom in the store with a screaming kid or whose having a hard time I always try to smile and if the moment calls for it say that I’ve been there too! I’ve found many parents that say it’s nice to know they are not alone. My 3 year old daughter took off running from me at a soccer game while leaving the restroom and as I ran to grab her and scold her, a Dad was walking by. He said, “I have to tell my daughter the same thing every day, I’m with ya” and we laughed.

I wish Moms could be more laid back and supportive. In the end, know that you are raising your son with love and making the best choices for him and if the other Moms want to focus on what you’re doing rather than their own parenting… well.. whose really the one with issues and misplaced attention? Kids live what they learn, keep being your kind and true self. Work out pants and all😉

As far as the Hulk costume, let him wear it! You will look back and treasure those moments and laugh as it’s just part of his personality. Our son went through a phase when he was 2ish where he wore his snow boots EVERYWHERE… in the middle of summer. Then, I blinked and he’s 8 and I’m so glad we let him because we look back and laugh. He’ll take the costume off eventually, just let him be him and rock that costume. That’s great he doesn’t care what others think… the costume makes him happy and he wears it. You’ll be glad for the characteristic later in life.

Love your blogs, so honest! Happy Halloween. Oh and my son was Hulk one year too!

CMCEAC
on October 29th, 2010

I love your blog and I think every mom can relate to feeling judged in one way or the other..you’re doing wonderful and your son is adorable. And we all know that leggings and a tank top are way more comfortable than skinny jeans and a button down. I say let him wear the costume…how many people can say they got to celebrate Thanksgiving with the Hulk?

Brookie
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, you are hilarious! I know plenty of people who have had those “oops” Mommy moments. I’m actually shocked it hasn’t happened to me because I am one of the most absent minded people I know.

I am all too familiar with some members of the “perfect moms club”, and let me tell ya- they don’t exist in real life. No one is perfect- no one is the perfect parent. You do the best you can with what you have and hope to God they don’t grow up to hate you🙂 So, when the “perfect moms” attempt to attack you on this blog, please take them with a grain of salt. Your son is adorable!!!

pp
on October 29th, 2010

Completely relate. In fact, today I came back from court- I was arrested for leaving my baby asleep in her carseat while I unlocked my front door (20 feet from the car) and brought in a heavy box so I could be prepared to deal with the screeching tantrum I would get once I woke up my child to bring her inside. The car was still running, the A/C was on. It took probably 45 seconds for me to return to the car. Instead of offering to help or watch my car, you know what the neighbor did? Called the police!!!!

I was put at risk of 30 days of jail time- 30 days away from my baby is not more harmful than a minute left in a cool vehicle? It cost me $1500 in the end. Women these days sicken me and I keep to myself.

Grace
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, I locked my little one in the car too. She was probably around 2 (20 now), in her car seat and drinking her bottle. I closed the door and the keys were on the seat. She was calm as long as I was calm. You have to stay calm. They react how you react. She had no clue there was a problem. I called the police who came within minutes. They opened the door and all was fine. They said it happens more than you think.

As for the bullies, they’re everywhere. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re a great mom. As long as you know that then that’s all that matters.

mary
on October 29th, 2010

Been there, done that, nuff said! My husband did the same thing. He was a detective on the police force. He was at his brothers house just running in to give his brother something and inadvertently locked the door with our 2 year old in his car seat. My husband had to call the police, (just so happened to be in our city where he works) and have them come to unlock the doors. This was 14 years ago, and we only had one set of keys to his truck.

He never lived that one down at work. I love to joke about things, but I know NOT to joke about this ever to him. I could only imagine the panicked look on his face. I saw how panicked he was while he was telling me. So we never go there! lol

victoria
on October 29th, 2010

First off marissa you need to move to my neighbourhod! we would have brought you a starbucks while you waited! I have been SO blessed with mummy friends in my life I am sad to hear of your story- i hope that they all read it and feel terrible!

THANK you for being so honest and upfront about parenting- it makes it easier for all the rest of us to know that even celebrities have these issues!

Teri
on October 29th, 2010

Just let him play in his costume. Boys don’t get to enjoy dress up as much as girls. I let my boys play in theirs as much as they want and will even pick up a few on clearance every year.

annie
on October 29th, 2010

I’m curious, why focus on the moms you felt were judging you rather than the two moms who did help? I don’t really see any behavior to indicate that the other moms were judging.

As you say, we’re all busy, maybe they honestly didn’t have time, had to get to work, knew the school was handling the situation, etc. Would you have felt better if there was a crowd of moms watching the situation unfold? You decide to be suspect of one mother who did help (she just wanted to get a closer look).

I’m just saying that a positive outlook (I made a totally understandable mistake, maybe didn’t handle it very well myself, but the school and two other mothers took the time to help me through the situation) can do wonders to improve your day.

Shana
on October 29th, 2010

I feel your pain! I joined a moms club and left after 2 meetings because I felt I didnt measure up. There is this weird competition to be the most perfect mom and honestly part of it is celebrity mom culture. We try to be Nicole Richie who is size 0, has more $ than god and what appears to be the most perfect life. I am sure it is not, it just looks that way. You are perfect in the eyes of your child and that is what counts.

Oh fyi, as a forgetful mom who has done the same thing I say get onstar-they will unlock the car for you when you call from any cell phone.

Miche
on October 29th, 2010

When I changed from working full time to part time (from home), I thought it was great to finally have some time to join a mommy/baby group. I tried two of them of was actually told in BOTH groups that I wasn’t a good mother because I still worked. Even though it is from home and provides medical insurance for our family, I was told that I wasn’t putting my children first. I really think some women are very jealous and bitter and that is what drives them to say such mean things.

You have to just focus on your family and true friends and ignore what other people say. Women like that aren’t even worth blog space! Just give us great stories of Zev from now on!

Nikki
on October 29th, 2010

I’ve locked both of my kids in the car. The first time I was at my house when it happened, so it wasn’t as embarrassing when the firetruck pulled up, and Brian was bundled up and it was nice out, so I wasn’t too worried, but I felt horrible for locking him in the car.

With Ashleigh I did the same thing you did. Hit the lock button on my keys, tossed them in the diaper bag and shut the door before grabbing the bag. Ashleigh was about 8 months old and we were in the parking lot of 24 hour fitness, and the firetruck came screaming through the parking lot with lights and sirens. They got Ashleigh out, and everyone stared and watched. Once again, I felt horrible.

You’re a wonderful mommy and I love reading your blogs!

Pamela
on October 29th, 2010

Very refreshing story…Marissa, I too am that mom! It is so nice to hear that someone is talking about it instead of pretending it doesn’t happen to every mom! I will enjoy her as a celebrity blogger!

Nicole
on October 29th, 2010

I know that feeling. Just look at your son and know you are doing right by him and that is what matters. I had other moms tell me all types of things….like why am I not letting my 9 month old who has NO teeth NOT eat solids or real milk? Why am I not giving my 4 year old gum or pop?

Sometimes I wonder if it is their own insecurities that make them (the other moms) like that. You don’t have to please anyone except yourself, husband, and children…..don’t let them get you down!

Jessica
on October 29th, 2010

I’m from a very small town where everyone knows each other by their first name. Even, maybe especially, in our small community we have “mommy bullies” (aka “snobsters”). I have also found that the parents who are snobish, unempathetic, rude, sarcastic, compulsive rude facebook posters, etc. have bratty kids that I hope my kid doesn’t become friends with.

megan
on October 29th, 2010

I’d sympathize if people were actually mean / rude to her, but this article is really a stretch. For one thing, she ran around yelling “call 911!” and doesn’t want people to notice ? And she thinks they’re judging her ? That’s paranoid.

Also, this comment rubbed me the wrong way:

“It’s the club of mothers who wear skinny jeans and white button-down shirts and wash their hair twice a day! I do NOT, and mothers who do make me feel really bad. You know who I am talking about!”

Like it’s okay to look down on moms who take time in their appearance ? Come on. I didn’t hear her mention anyone saying “Eww, you’re one of those moms who look sloppy”,” so what’s it to her if people have time to spruce themselves up a little ? I think she’s a little paranoid, insecure and self conscious, for whatever reason.

Jane
on October 29th, 2010

You are doing an awesome job!! There are bullies everywhere you just have to do your own thing and ignore them. I still feel like an outsider with the other mother’s at my daughter’s school. Too bad you don’t live in Indiana!!

Emme
on October 29th, 2010

Hi Marissa!
Please, please let him wear his costume as much as he wants!! Our neighbors did this with their little girl. She was in her puppy dog costume every single day for an entire summer (Of course they only let her wear it during “playtime”). By the end of the summer, she had a growth spurt and the bottom of the pants were half way up her legs!! It was so adorable and now that she is a couple years older, she is completely over that phase. But we still reminisce with her parents about how completely adorable it was to look outside and see her in a full doggy costume every day!

Mary
on October 29th, 2010

I know exactly what she’s talking about. I feel like I can’t speak candidly about my kids with my mommy friends because their kids are all “perfect.” If Marissa started a mommy club, I’d definitely join!

Tee
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, I don’t have any children but I do have five young nieces that I care for quite a bit. I’ve never locked any of them in the car but I have burst into hysterical tears over “little things.” You know, letting one fall off the sofa, a finger squashed in the door and whatnot. (The one that fell off the sofa just bounced! She was 11 pounds at birth!) I can guarantee that I would cry if I locked one of them in the car, so if that makes you a crazy mom than I’m a crazy Tee Tee. (aunt)

pp- You have got to be kidding me! She really called the police? I am so sorry!

Liz @ Six in the Suburbs
on October 29th, 2010

You are SO right! Mom bullies can be even meaner than kid bullies…and kids mimic their actions.

great blog writer!

Anita
on October 29th, 2010

This can happen to anyone, and I know definitely has happened to me! I think we all have that fear of being judged by other mothers. I think that in your situation it is shameful that all those people stood and watched and did nothing to try to help you, especially since you were obviously visibly upset. However, I think that this is just a problem as a whole with our society. That we sit back and watch rather than spring to action.

When I locked my son in the car, I was in front of my Mom’s house with no one home, and everything locked in the running car. Thankfully the air was on because it was ninety degrees out that day. I was also really thankful for the next door neighbor that tried to calm me as I stood with my face pressed to the glass trying to think of some way to get in the car. I always try to put myself in that person’s shoes when I see things like that go on, and come to their aid as soon as I can.

I think we get so caught up in ourselves and our own lives that we often fail to see the bigger picture and that the littlest bit of assistance may be of great help to someone else. So, next time you see someone in need don’t stare, jump to action! You never know how great a help you can be to someone else!

Karen
on October 29th, 2010

Sweetie: I’m several years older than you and a good bit further down the road than you in childrearing. First of all, forget the moms in the skinny jeans who feel superior. Life’s too short. I call it the SUV vs. Minivan moms. We Minivan Moms may be in sweats and not made up that early in the morning, but we love our kids just as much as anyone else!

There are some people who will never be pleasant. That’s their problem. They don’t get the joy of having you as a friend. As for the car incident, I think there WERE concerned moms who wanted to reach out to you, but might have been afraid they were interfering.

Bottom line: Every picture I see of your precious little boy, he looks so happy. That’s the whole point! You have succeeded!

Diane
on October 29th, 2010

The SECOND time I locked my child in the car. I was showered, hair done and even had make up on!!! I was still never part of the stay at home mommy club! I know how you feel. Happens to everyone. Laugh about it at Thanksgiving dinner and ENJOY your beautiful child.

A Mom
on October 29th, 2010

I locked my 6 month old son in the car at the day car parking lot way back in 1992, before cell phones and On-Star (great idea, BTW!) and I still remember the horror I felt! I had to have someone call my husband to leave work and come and unlock the door for me…sigh. I’m in a smallish community though, and haven’t experienced many “perfect mommy” snubs, mostly because in my mind, even when I mess up, I AM the perfect mommy to MY kids, and I don’t need anyone elses approval!

My son is now in college, and my daughter is a freshman in high school both A students and doing just fine, even with a working mom.

As for the costume, let him wear it! Believe me, once Halloween comes and goes, he will move on to something else, but even if he doesn’t for a while, it will make for great memories. My son had a pair of red cowboy boots when he was two that he wore with everything – including to bed! He wore them so much that he wore them out (holes in the soles) before he outgrew them! We still have those boots, and we all still love laughing about how much he loved them.

Actually, we almost had a mommy bully moment over those boots – lots of other boys wanted red boots like my son, but they were hard to find. At preschool open house, I was approached by several parents about where I had gotten them, and when I told them from the girls section (we just cut the fringe off – no problem) the faces they made were astonishing! The boys eventully all got boots – black ones, from the manly boys section but my son was still the hero of the playground with his red boots!

Enjoy these moments…they go way, way too fast…

Molly
on October 29th, 2010

I have never left my keys in the car with one of my boys locked in…but that doesn’t mean I can’t relate and empathize with your situation! Because I’ve done a million things (wish I could comfort you by telling you this is the last time you’ll go through this kind of thing, but us Moms have to be honest with each other too) like this. And now that my boys are a little older, I can look back and laugh. That how you get through it. I hope you can look back at this expierence soon and laugh yourself. Someone told me to embrace the tornado inside of us rather than fighting it. Be kind to yourself.

Polly
on October 29th, 2010

Don’t sweat the small stuff; enjoy your life, your hubby, your baby. Been there done that stuff myself. I agree the other moms are reacting to your reactions.

Nicole
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa: I love the honesty in your blog. I love that you’re not all smiles and happy all the time (especially in times like the car incident), because that’s not real, but you definitely are.

I have a couple of suggestions, but mind you, my friends refer to me as the mean mom, so I know the way I do things are not for everyone.

First, last week you wrote that you sleep in your son’s bed with him. It’s a wonder you are getting any sleep at all. I know it’s hard, but you have to teach him to sleep on his own. You have to give him things that will comfort him. Does he have a favorte blanket or stuffed animal? Maybe a music player will help sooth him to sleep. Both of my kids sleep with lots of things. My 9 year old son sleeps with so many stuffed animals it’s hard to keep track of them. He also has a cover that he sleeps with, he can sleep without it, but he likes it better with it. My 7 year old daughter sleeps with stuffed animals too, but not as many as my son. We also keep the bathroom light on until they go to sleep (then I turn it off). I know that when one or both of them are in my bed I have a difficult time sleeping. You can do it, you just have to find the right things.

The other thing I wanted to comment about was you asked about how to get him out of his costume, right? First, it seems (and I can be totally off here) like you don’t want to do anything that might upset him. But you have to set boundaries and he has to abide by them. I find it’s easier to get my kids to do what I want them to do when I explain to them the reason why. For instance, you can’t wear the costume again today because I need to wash it. We always wash the clothes we wear, so this should be no different. You could always take the costume out of his room when he’s asleep and hide it for a while. He might look for it for a little bit and he might even get upset if he can’t find it, but just give him something else to occupy his time and he’ll forget about it. Then bring it back out after the costume was given a rest.

I hope I don’t sound pushy or bossy or judgmental, that’s not my intention, just want to help.

Ta
on October 29th, 2010

Ok, so be prepared to do some compromising about the costume. By the time Thanksgiving gets here the newness will have worn off so you could probably get him to regular clothes for at least that day, however……be prepared for him to wear the costume from now till next Halloween. My girls played in their Power Ranger costumes ALLLL the time and I see other little ones in the stores wearing them while mommy is grocery shopping. All us MOMS just smile and remember the days gone by…..costumes are no biggie. He is only little once let him have fun with it. HAPPY Halloween!!!

MomofTwo
on October 29th, 2010

Thank you for this article. You are absolutely right — Moms do need to stick together. I really appreciate your putting this into words.

Tara
on October 29th, 2010

I have not ever locked my kids in the car, but there have been plenty of other incidents where I have bawled hysterically. I do think maybe what one other person said about your hysteria being worse for the children than the bad deed that caused the hysteria, may be true. You just can’t help it though when something bad happens.

I’ve not had too much judging about my parenting, but I have seen a lot of it. Just look on Yahoo Answers in the parenting session and there are all out wars between some of the parents. So silly to let it come to that.

As for the costume issue, let him wear what he wants to wear. I know you want pictures of him dressed nice (or even just normal) for thanksgiving ( I doubt he will want to wear it that long), but if he does it will be funny to look back on when he is older. That is the stuff fun memories are made of🙂

Krista
on October 29th, 2010

Let him enjoy the costume! I LOVED costumes so much when I was a little kid that my mom would buy up a bunch of Halloween costumes for me when they went to clearance after Halloween was over and give them to me all year long. I have pictures of me as Strawberry Shortcake at Thanksgiving, I have a picture from Christmas and I’m wearing a Hulk costume, too (one of my Christmas gifts that year and my absolute favorite)…I was Oscar the Grouch at Easter…

My mom passed away a year and a half ago and looking at those pictures of me being a goof in a costume in most pictures until I was 4–and knowing my mom let me & encouraged me—really gave me a better understanding of the kind of woman my mom was🙂

Audrey
on October 29th, 2010

It is so hard to be a good mom, no matter what. I totally agree that moms judge each other too much when we should be sticking together and helping one another out. Two of my children are teenage girls right now – difficult and scary times – dealing with life-altering decisions. Of course we’re also dealing with all the “mean girl” situations too – hmmmm…I wonder where all those “mean girls” learn their behavior?

Anyway, all we can do is be the best moms that we know how to be, and when we see another mom struggling, offer our best help and advice.

Christine
on October 29th, 2010

A friend of mine locked her daughter in the car by accident in 90+ weather. She was frantic and scared. But within seconds a wonderful, caring family of 4 came to her. The kids talked to the little girl through the window to keep her calm while the father flagged a passing CHP officer. The mother stayed next to my friend the whole time, hand on shoulder. Triple A was called but it would have taken too long and the inside of the car was very hot. So the officer broke the window. By this time a store manager had come out and the employees used a vacuum, broom and tape to secure the inside from any broken glass.

My friend was so overcome with emotion for the outpouring of support and good will that I think she spent $1000 on gift baskets. Sometimes we get reminded that there really are good people out there.

Lauren
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, I’m going to try to be as constructive as possible with my comments about this post. I have no doubt that your intentions are good, and the fact that you feel like an outsiders amongst other moms is something I think we have all felt at one point or another and should be acknowledged. That said, there were a lot of things you mentioned here that really irritated me.

First off, I totally agree with meghan that your statement: “It’s the club of mothers who wear skinny jeans and white button-down shirts and wash their hair twice a day! I do NOT, and mothers who do make me feel really bad. You know who I am talking about!”

is complete judgment and projection on your part-exactly what you complain other mothers do to you. Furthermore, you didn’t mention a specific example of one of these well-dressed moms being specifically mean to you in terms of making rude comments about your appearance, yet you (in my opinion) made a mean, snide comment about them stemming from your own insecurities. Unless these moms have done something to specifically hurt you or Zev, putting your insecurities on someone else’s shoulders is wrong.

Furthermore, you complain that other moms are mean and rude to you, yet when you do something self-centered-leave your car door open so that other people can’t get out of their spots-and someone asks you if you could close the door to help them out because they’re in a rush, you immediately label them as “rude” because their behavior doesn’t revolve around your immediate universe.

Who is to say that the other mom who told you she was in a rush wasn’t in the exact same situation as you, with a million things to get done? Why couldn’t you just apologize, give her the mom sympathy you want for yourself, and move on?

That part struck me as completely self-centered, and the fact that you jump on this woman and essentially blame her for locking your son in the car (insinuating that if she hadn’t asked, you wouldn’t have shut the door) is worse than anything I’ve read in terms of a mom being rude to you.

Finally, the fact that you make yourself out to be stared at and judged by other moms is-sorry-a direct result of your own behavior. I guarantee that if you had handled the situation differently-turned around biting your lip in a joking manner, said, “Oh, boy!” or something else to acknowledge your mistake in a relatable way, the other moms would have reacted differently. But I know that if I saw a mom crying in a parking lot screaming to call 911 and threatening to break the window, I wouldn’t quite know how to respond either.

Yes, it’s way easier to say what you would do when you’re not in that situation, but I really think that the way you reacted was what made people uncomfortable and stare-not the fact that you made a mistake, which is something all moms do whether they admit it or not. And the fact that you accused the mom who did try to calm you down of just wanting a closer look? Rude. Just rude.

I almost never comment on celeb blog posts, but I have to say that I found this one very hypocritical. You seemed to make the entire post revolve about how other moms make you feel bad about yourself, and all I read about was you being judgmental, rude, and inconsiderate of other moms-exactly the behavior you’re complaining about!

I don’t think you did this on purpose, but as a reader who is allowed to read comments, in this case, I feel compelled to point this out. It may not be easy to read, but I think that if you were more willing to examine your own behavior, you may get a better understanding of why people react to it the way they do. Food for thought🙂

MomofThree
on October 29th, 2010

I have 3 boys and there is nothing cuter than boys playing dress up. So what if the Hulk comes to Thanksgiving? On a regular basis I have Batman, Ironman, or Darth Vader escort me to the bus stop or the store. I love boys playing dress up!

Carissa
on October 29th, 2010

I totally agree with your statement about how kind, and helpful parents have kind and helpful children. It is very hard to walk with your chin up when you feel like other people are brining you down. Just take solace in the fact that you are a fabulous Mother and that you are doing what is best for your child,by putting him first.

I often wonder about these “perfect” mommies. They spend so much time on their own outward apperances, but what about their children, are they happy children??

Angela
on October 29th, 2010

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve showed up to work with a booger or some other kind of residue on my shoulder or shirt-sleeve. Who cares! It was so worth the baby lovin’ I got in return. You are doing a wonderful job, and your blog is uber-refreshing! In the end, it’s the love and admiration this little boy is going to have for you that matters, not what others think. But you are right when you say that there should be more support among us. Too much to do, not enough time, money, support, you name it. Ah well, keep fighting the good fight!

Susan
on October 29th, 2010

I had the same thing happen to my son 17 years ago – he is now a well adjusted college student locking his own keys in the car and yes he has his own AAA card!

The mommies club is torture, just wait until your child is in high school playing sports. Only the moms of the best scorers get to hang together. Forget that your child is the best academically, it’s all about who has the best stats and who’s child is dressed the best and the most popular. Have the best relationship you can have with your child and lead by example just like the mom on the stoop and remember that ONE good friend is more valuable than a group of so called “friends”.

Kate
on October 29th, 2010

What Lauren said.

Magan
on October 29th, 2010

OMG I love you first off and second I watch The Talk or DVR it. Its so hard being a mom even the ones who have more then one. I have three girls my oldest is 9, middle 2 and youngest is 7 mos. I still get judged for the things I do and it you know what I dont care. My 9 yr old grew up fine and go though those lovely terrible 2s and everything in between so I guess I can do the other two.

Remember there are days where you want to scream and cry but itll be ok. Its a learning process and once you learn something you never forget it! Good luck with it all!

Karen
on October 29th, 2010

Two thumbs up!

Julie
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, you’re awesome! As I was reading your blog, I thought – my God, this is ME!! I do not do the “mommy and me” group. I can’t stand being around other mothers (unless they are close friends). There is always a feeling of one-upmanship and superiority and feeling others feel inferior. I hate being around that!!

I, like many moms, locked my son in the car at the bank – when it was 85 degrees outside and he was inside the car with a long sleeve t-shirt on. I ran into the bank and screamed across the lobby “CALL 911, I locked my baby in the car!!” 2 bank employees followed me outside and I tried to remain calm, but the 3 minutes it took the police to get there seemed like ages!! I was ready to grab a big rock and break the window, but the nice policeman produced a slim jim and got my little guy out. I couldn’t imagine doing that at a school… but it could happen to ANYONE!! So glad to read that it’s happened to someone who’s on TV! 🙂 Please keep blogging!

Kelly
on October 29th, 2010

OMG! Been there, done that. I feel the same way about bully moms. My daughter is in middle school and it still continues. The ones that make you feel inadequate. UGH!

Just remember that you are the best mom for you child and you are doing the best job you can. It is the hardest job EVER and you just have to keep on truckin’. Don’t fret. At the end of the day, you know you have done a good job; you are a good mother; a good wife; a good friend; and if you can say that and that you did your best – that is all you can hope for.

I love you as an actress and now as a mother – like me! Welcome to the club! Keep your chin up!

Kim
on October 29th, 2010

I also locked my child in the car a few years ago!! I’m glad i’m not alone😀

Susan
on October 29th, 2010

I can so relate with your blog. Living in NYC can be great and then again there are those people that think their poop doesn’t stink. Any of the parents that pick up their children at my sons school all seem to think that they are the best parents in the world. There is no such thing, we all just do the best we can and hope that we are raising the best people that they can be.

The best thing to do is to remember that you know how good a Mom you are and their opinions or judgments mean absolutely nothing. The fact that almost non of them helped at all says a good deal about what kind of people they are. Keep being who you are…down to earth and real.

Karen
on October 29th, 2010

I think you are right in that it’s more a matter of being judged than it is bullied, but when we are judged enough, it ends up feeling like we are being bullied. The bottom line is that you know what is best for you own child, and all the well-meaning “experts” and super-moms out there do not know better than you.

And I agree with so many on here: let him wear the costume if he wants to. He’s happy, there are no etiquette laws being broken, and it’s one less battle to fight. My kids love to wear dress-up clothes (costumes). It doesn’t bother me. They wear them to the grocery store, the mall. I love how happy and content they are, and how free they feel the be themselves. That is just not a trait that I want to squash out of them. I love it.

Thanks for telling it like it is, and for making moms like me (a little less polished and a little less “button-downed”) feel much more acceptable. 🙂

Holleigh
on October 29th, 2010

What really warms my heart and makes me smile are all the comments the readers are posting. Such a nice, and supportive group.

SkinnyJeans
on October 29th, 2010

I really hate the correllation that a mom who puts time and energy into their appearance means that they’re judgemental and conceited.

I’m a mother who chooses to put an effort into my wardrobe and appearance and everytime I am around other mother’s who choose not to, I get snarky comments from them. In fact, I frequently hear “sloppy mothers” brag about how they choose their kids first over their own looks and appearance-obviously accusing mothers who do the opposite of them as selfish.

If your blog is to encourage mothers to be true to themselves and for us to not judge each other, don’t judge the mother in skinny jeans and a white button down shirt.

Benilde
on October 29th, 2010

Where is the part when mommies treated her bad? Really, this was just her insecurities playing on her and nothing else.

Don’t you know for yourself that you are great – you need others to verify that? I don’t let others make me feel bad about myself – with anything.

Just be strong and happy!

Shelley
on October 29th, 2010

I can relate to feeling on the outside looking in. When I was a stay @ home mom I tried the mommy & me groups hoping for some adult coversation and some new friends. All I ever felt like was an outsider looking in…they all looked so perfect and I was lucky if I matched LOL I would have been there on the steps : )

As for the costume…I would just let him have fun. He will eventually stop wearing it, so get as many pictures as you can so you can bring them out later and say “remember when”

Sarah
on October 29th, 2010

Guilty!! I locked my son in the car at Target.

Anyway, wanted to say if your son likes his costume LET HIM WEAR IT! Who is it hurting?? My daughter has worn her Snow White dress to taekwondo tournaments, supermarkets, anywhere she can. She eventually took it off. He is a kid, let him be a kid – even if it means spending Thanksgiving with the Hulk! 🙂

S Miller
on October 29th, 2010

I can relate to being aware of the nastiness of other ‘moms’, and I have never allowed someone elses opinion of my mothering skills cause me an ounce of worry.. Everyone has opinions and a lot of people seem to think that others need or want to hear them. I am 51 years old and a 9 year breast cancer survivor and since you have battled the worst foe of all a few nasty ‘witches’ can’t undo your obvious strength and capabilities.

Your son looks happy and that’s all that counts. Stay firm in YOUR convictions and beliefs and to heck with what other so called ‘perfect’ moms think or do. I will tell you from experience, those ‘perfect’ moms are not so perfect…there is always an unspoken flaw in them, they usually devote more time to their appearance than they do to their kids when they’re behind closed doors and are more dedicated to the husband that requires a barbie doll for a wife. They usually are hiding a real mess of a life and can only make it look like they have things under control. Makeup and nice clothes can only hide so much and then the real mess will eventually overflow and you will have the last laugh.

So instead of being intimidated, just pity them and you keep shining your light! Your son will get tired of being the hulk soon enough, lol and if no one else likes it they can look the other way. I’ve raised three kids and have three grandchildren with another on the way. I never let my kids run the ‘show’ but they are allowed to breathe and grow as naturally as possible. Just remember YOU are the boss and kids adapt with a firm, loving parent.

Missycakes7
on October 29th, 2010

I can totally relate about the all exclusive “mommy club”. I have experienced it too- except I am a ” step-mom” and have not had any children of my own yet- I get looked at weird when I am in a group of other “moms” and I start talking about my ” stepson”. Like being a parent period isn’t hard enough- but I have to deal with the ” but you’re not a mother” looks and attitude. I may not have given birth to the child but that doesn’t mean I am not a parent to him….

Janella
on October 29th, 2010

Every mother has bad days and feels judged. Your story reminds me of an episode of Modern Family. In one of the episodes, a dad accidently locks his daughter in the car. He starts to panic and calls 911. He tells 911 “I’ve locked my daughter in the car and people are judging me!!” I have never laughed so hard in my life! That is how we all feel when something like that happens. You live and you learn😉

Michelle
on October 29th, 2010

Thank you for being open and honest. My son is 11 months and I, similar to you, dress casual and comfortable. Being a mom is not easy and it frustrates me when the “perfects” as I call them, the mom with the skinny jeans, perfectly straightened hair, and celebrity like make-up, look at me like I am less than they are. Just because I’m not a size 2 and I’d rather spend the extra 30 minutes playing with my son than do my hair or makeup doesn’t make me less of a woman or a bad mom. In fact, I think my son will be better for it.

So, as with kids accidents happen, and the woman who sat with you who had the nicest daughter, she sounds like the kind of people I want to be around. As for the other ladies, nothing again them, if you have time to look fabulous, good for you, but PLEASE don’t judge others around you who don’t….Again, thanks for sharing!

Megan
on October 29th, 2010

Mention that you don’t breastfeed and prepare yourself for the “mother” of all mommy-bullying. I don’t know why women can’t just support one another.

D
on October 29th, 2010

Does she ever not show all of her teeth when she smiles?

ll65
on October 29th, 2010

Anyone who read the comments sections of these kinds of blogs can attest the bullying/judgemental nature of ther mothers (and people in general). I was a foster parent for years and was always judged or given advice by people, other mothers etc. And only a 1 or 2 had experience with children with mental or emotional problems. But everyone is an expert what others are doing WRONG with their children. It stems from an the bully’s insecurities about their own parenting. Otherwise the “advice” would be tempered with concern, sympathy or empathy.

Anonymous
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, my husband did the same thing and everyone at school had a similar story….they just aren’t sharing! You are correct, I’ve said the same thing about some of the parents that have been with my daughter since she was 3 months old and I still don’t know their names because they barely say hi. Other parents are very nice. I have to think they are busy because they have older children to run and get as well?

I also agree that your children mimic your behaviors. My daughter came up and said, ‘I missed you, Mom’ at one of the school parties and one of the other Mom’s said her kid doesn’t say that to her. All I could think was, then you don’t say that to your child. You teach by example and our children mimic things we say and do. Enjoy your wonderful family and career and don’t give the bullies a second thought! Happy Halloween!

Mom of 3
on October 29th, 2010

Talk about being judged – try having an autistic kid doing a meltdown in the middle of the fair grounds. OMG!!! Every eye was on us and the comments were not only heard, but felt…I often wonder how I am supposed to teach my child social skills and to be nice to people, when even “normal” people are rude beyond belief…

Sara
on October 29th, 2010

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! These mom’s that judge and make us feel bad about ourselves are no good. It would be great if all moms had a friend who could lift them up and support them when they’re feeling down and overwhelmed.

My thought is these women who send judgy vibes are probably trying REALLY hard to LOOK like they have it all together and don’t have anyone to tell them “no one is perfect honey, stop faking it and live your life honestly”. I am that friend. I have girlfriends who are that friend for me. Not everyone is that lucky and it, pardon me, SUCKS! Keep your head up and remember, the only opinion that really matters is yours and the people you care about (and even that is second to your opinion of yourself).

As for the costume… Try it as a “dress up time” only toy. YES you may have to deal with the hulk on days other than Halloween, BUT you set the boundaries… Like “we don’t wear it to the store. We wear it around the house to play pretend”. Plus then you can get other dress up items at a second hand store (or your own closet – hunby’s too) and make a little “dress up” bin. Keeps the costume firmly in imaginary play land =)

Kim
on October 29th, 2010

While I symathize with your feeling of fear when you locked your son in the car, I do think you’re being quite judgemental. Yes, you will find those “perfect” mothers who seem to have their act together (in public), but you are judging them because they were somehow able to manage their time and make themselves look presentable. I am a mother who drives the kids to school in my pajamas and picks them up dressed up, but I don’t judge the mothers who are able to trade sleep for prep time.

You called the mother trying to leave rude. Why would you have your door wide open in the parking lot? Have a little courtesy yourself for others if you expect it in return.

As for the poster who said she feels it’s minivan moms vs. suv moms: get over it! I drive a huge suv and I’m judged by minivan moms because I didn’t make the mom sacrifice by driving a stereotype. If your car is functional and gets you from point A to B that is all that should matter.

The one point I do agree with Melissa on is that moms need to stick together and help each other out. It is a tough, thankless job, but completely worth it! All moms need to back each other up and understand that no one is perfect and bad things always happen in public.

Deanne
on October 29th, 2010

A couple of these comments seemed pretty rude, I don’t think she was bagging on taking care of yourself, it just always seems like that one time where you are looking like you just rolled out of bed (because you did) something goes wrong.

I try to stay calm, but things totally stress me out too, and I can see this happening to me. I might not have panicked as much unless it was very hot or cold in the car; but I completely relate to looking around at all the other moms who have their sh*t together leaving you looking like a total pile! Hey, it’s life!

Kathy
on October 29th, 2010

I am really sorry you had to go through that, how scary! But I agree 100% with you, I joined a mommy group after my 3 children were born and I stopped going because of this exact thing. I never came home uplifted but feeling like I never did anything right. So now I stay at home with kids and see my real friends outside of any of those types of groups.

Let’s be more supportive of each other, we are raising the next generation and I really believe we are in the situation we are in with Bullying because of the way people treat other people and then what do we expect from the generation that is watching us.

Kate
on October 29th, 2010

Well said, Lauren, well said.

Deanne
on October 29th, 2010

What Lauren said was over-critical and unnecessary. Gee, I wonder if she’s in the bullying mom club?

Diana Ramirez
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, let your son wear the Hulk costume. I have an 11 year old niece that as soon as you buy her something, she puts it on immediately. I just roll my eyes and laugh. It will be a good story to tell when they get older. They will never live it down. Let Zev have his fun. He will eventually hook on to something else. I always get tickled when I go to the store and I see a mommy or daddy with a child wearing a tiara, tutu, sword or something like that. They were probably at home playing dress-up. Enjoy!

Patti
on October 29th, 2010

I totally agree with Lauren. I am really surprised at this post, Marissa, I think you need to take a step back and re-examine this situation. I don’t see how anyone else was rude? I am always dressed when I drop my son off at school, that’s just my comfort level….you’re judging me for that? I don’t judge anyone in their sweats.

I think all of that stems from your own insecurities and has nothing to do with anyone else. You were being totally inconsiderate leaving you door open in the way of other moms trying to drop off their kids and get to work. Your reaction to locking the car door was way over the top and probably scared the be-jeezies out of your son. Yikes…

texasmom
on October 29th, 2010

Megan and Lauren must be skinny jean moms!! Haters!

S Miller
on October 29th, 2010

to Lauren, you obviously was looking to jump all over this article and turn it into a bashing much like those ‘perfect’ moms do all the time, which proved a big point I made.

As far as food for thought maybe you should go on that particular ‘diet’ and start trying to see something from someone elses perspective. She has felt intimidated by those other moms for a long time and it’s time for her to stand up to the snarky witches.

The mom that rudely told her to close her door as she was trying to get her son out could have easily waited a couple of minutes longer OR chose a different spot to park instead of YES, being the reason she locked her child in the car! As a mom she knows how long it can take to pull a child and all their stuff out of a car so if she couldn’t wait she could have gone elsewhere, it’s not like Ms. Winokur was gonna hold the door open just to annoy her. She was trying to get her child out of the car, not throw a party in the parking lot.

Also she is a first time mom and she is going to have panic attacks on occasion till she feels more confident. I would have screamed too if i saw that people standing around weren’t doing a damned thing to help.

For the women that feel picked on because she described the other moms as the tight jean and button shirt wearers, whoop de dang do, get over yourself, she was pointing out the ones that have treated her like she was an unfit mom because she doesn’t have hours to dedicate to getting over dressed to drop a kid off at freaking daycare! It’s as bad as people putting on their sunday best to go to Walmart. Now if someone has the time to devote to their appearance and slap on the frills and warpaint, fine but don’t put other moms down if they barely had time to put clothes on at all. She was pointing out the rude treatment she has received at the hands of those so called perfect moms.

As I said in my previous post, those perfect moms usually have a lot more underneath going on that isn’t so perfect so never, ever be intimidated by appearances.

ABRADY
on October 29th, 2010

i think some of the comments written here are perfect examples of moms judging other moms instead of supporting and just saying “that stinks.”

Lea
on October 29th, 2010

I have two boys, let him wear the costume! He will eventually get out of it. I had the same experience with Moms clubs, it is insane how judgmental people can be. As long as your baby is happy, that is all that matters

Mari
on October 29th, 2010

This article was titled “Scary Mommy Bullies’ and for obvious reasons, I was expecting a story about mean moms saying cruel things to poor Marissa. Turns out, her blog up until now has been a major disappointment for me, personally. I am a mom so I know what I’m talking about when I say that we’re are all moms here, Marissa is not more of a dedicated mother than I am or anyone else, neither she loves her son more than I love mine.

The story basically says that thin moms who take care or their appearance, like me, are mean just because and even if not one of them has ever said anything to Marissa, she’s sure they are THINKING about doing it. Of course there are mean competitive moms out there, be it the park, the supermarket or at school but the way Marissa sees the world, they are all just revolving around her and waiting for any excuse to make her feel like a bad mother who, on top of it all, can’t find 5 minutes to make the effort to look a little better (shoes at least) before she leaves the house because she has such a busy life and guess what, nobody else does!!!

Commenting on the fact that she sleeps in her 2-year-old son’s bed because “he cries” at night, every mom knows that when you have crisis like this, there are books and doctors and even blogs like this one that could give you ideas and options on how to deal with it because guess what, it’s not the end of the world and all moms have to find solutions to situations similar to this one at one point or another.

Maybe she’s sooooo wrapped up in her own super busy life that she doesn’t have the time or the will to find out what is really wrong with her son and instead takes the easy way of just sleeping with him and not treating whatever it is that bothers him at night.

Denise
on October 29th, 2010

I too have to agree with the “mommy club”. I have 3 kids and let me tell you I still go out looking like a mad woman in the am. I have a high school-er so some could be just to get back at her. *laughing* I’ve locked kids in cars, houses and even rooms. Some times they even do it for you. I love the fact that cars lock for you, yet you know that can also be a curse. I hate it happened to you although the fact it could is just amazing. I would chalk it up to Total Jealousy on their part. I am glad that you and lil Zev were ok.

I’m so happy that someone is really speaking out on this. I don’t feel like I’m so alone with the “mommy bullies” and the likes of them. It is true how the kids see what we do on a daily basis and act accordingly. I was in a mom’s group when mine were young and though there was some good times and bonding of women. However in the end I lost a good friend and the mom’s that said they’d stand by me. Women are evil and brutal to each other and then we ask the kids to “Do as I say not as I do”.

As for the mom that you are you sound amazing and I’m sure that you’ll make more wonderful memories and in the end this will be a funny story to recall at his graduation. So have fun and know some mom’s do live in workout clothes and we “workout” with all that we do for the important little lives we have to help grow and learn to be happy.

Have a wonderful time and enjoy a Happy Halloween.

Lisa
on October 29th, 2010

You are so dead on about the mom thing! I ended up making two really good mom friends through girl scouts and we’ve been great friends for years. It’s the couple of really great friends you make that will get you through dealing with the mom bullies.

(By the way, when your little guy gets older and you want to volunteer for things at his grade school, be sure to volunteer WITH those really great mom friends. Makes a world of difference & you’ll have a great time!)

As for the costume, let him wear it! He’s just exhibiting his independence. Everyone, at every age, likes to make their own choices. Better he make a choice about his clothes than decide he doesn’t want to wear his car seat belt, right? I used to give my kids so very many choices every day at that age (which cup? which plate? which chair? which book?) that when it came to something serious & we disagreed, I’d say, “Mommy gives you lots of choices every day, but this isn’t one of them.” And, it worked!

I have a friend whose daughter wore non-matching shoes, socks, and leotards with cut little tutu skirts every single day until she was in 1st grade. My friend let her do it because, after all, what difference did it make? She’s in middle school now, and she’s a really terrific kid!

Keep up the great work on your blog–it’s hysterical! 🙂

gerber824
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, let him be The Hulk! My son wore his Spider Man costume everywhere when he was that age, and I have a friend whose son wore his brightly-colored rainboots every day for months until he finally outgrew them. Even at this young age, it’s important to let them have something that is theirs, that they chose. He’ll outgrow it. Next year, I’m sure he’ll be Batman for a few months. Good for him.

Kyla
on October 29th, 2010

Judgment? Yeah that comes with the territory when you join the Mommy Club! I often say “women can rule the world if we would stop long enough from stabbing each other in the back!” But as you gain more experience, you become more confident in yourself as a woman and as a mother.

Balance is not easily attainable but if you are blessed with great family and friends, everything falls into place eventually. Just walk to the beat of your own drum; do what you know is best for your child; let others judge you if they wish, it just means they want to take the focus off themselves and their own insecurities! Kinda like the bullies at school; they only pick on you because they want to hide their own idiosyncrasies.

Being a mom is not a cake walk but it sure is worth it!🙂 Leave the costume on, he’ll have to take it off eventually and if he doesn’t, you’ll have a cool thanksgiving story to share about how you got to eat dinner with Iron Man!

Karen
on October 29th, 2010

Diane: I’m a stay at home mom and would never treat Marissa like that.

Alice
on October 29th, 2010

Lauren took the time to be polite and nice and explain why she thought this post was a bit paranoid… don’t jump on her for that, it’s sometimes hard to realize that we spin things a certain way when we feel embarassed.

As for locking Zev in the car, my mom got off a bus once (I was about 3) and I wasn’t paying attention when she kept calling me, and then the bus doors closed and it started to leave… there was also the time when I was a baby that she forgot to remove the “lid” that you put under the teat on bottles so they won’t leak in the bag, and all day I was starving and crying and my parents didn’t understand why I wouldn’t drink…

You will make mistakes! It’s okay.

Mrs W.
on October 29th, 2010

I hear you sister! I had to quit my mommie group because I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt so insecure. I felt like out of 20 mommies, my kid was the only one not sleeping 10 straight hrs a night. It was horrible. No support, just judgment. Finally someone said it! Hoooray! I thought it was just me.

And yes, I locked my son in the car at the park. We had just gotten there and he was being fussy. I wanted to let him sit in his seat so I could get everything together so I let him play with my keys. As I was shutting the door to open the back, he pushed the lock button on the key fob. It was like slow motion. I couldn’t believe it. Luckily my husband worked close by and was able to meet us at the park. Yes, he was a little ticked, but we all survived. It happens!

Thanks for writing this article. I lived in LA for 10yrs until recently. My poor 3yr old had no playmates and I felt horrible about it. I’m hoping it was just an LA thing. We’ve had more play dates in the two weeks we’ve been in San Diego, than the past year in LA.

Good luck! You’ve made my day!!!!

hannahsmom
on October 29th, 2010

Oh Marissa…my wonderful daughter is 11 and in 6th grade and i still feel like I’m judged..cuz I’m the “working mom” Lord help us, I work full time and cannot always help out with room parties, field trips and all of the volunteering projects out there. I don’t sit and watch her every move at sport practices or dance etc. i multitask whenever I can. But I am there for every performance, every game and all mandatory service hours (she attends a parochial school) I don’t have the time to be part of the “in” mommy group and I feel it every time I attend a function.

BUT!!!! My daughter is independant, self-assured and has a great sense of humor. She is an honor roll student and the light of my husband and my life. Oh, and she was locked in the car with the keys by each of us at least once (maybe even twice).

Concentrate on Zev and the wonderful little person he is and will become, that is what he will remember. And those Uber put together moms…just think of what they might be hiding behind those oh so glamorous facades and laugh really loud and long, cuz I am sure they face the same things you do and have the added stres of trying to hide it from the world.

Michele
on October 29th, 2010

This story reminded me of when I fell in a Longhorn Steakhouse, while holding my 1 yr old and no one, not one mom seated with their own kids, or customer helped me get up yet they watched me struggle to get up. The floors were sweating from the air conditioning and made for a slick floor. I was wearing sneakers. But not one Mom jumped up and said – Oh no – are you and the baby ok.

I fell forward onto my hand but managed to keep my son from hitting his head on the tile. I hurt my knee, I couldn’t get up right away. I had to sit there for a second, then get up and people all sat and watched me. Sad world we live in. I would have run over to that person and made sure they were ok and given them a hand to help them up.

Its Ok Marissa..you’re a good mommy and your son is ok too :)I would have helped you.

Amy
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, I’m so glad that you wrote this blog as I know exactly what you are talking about! I feel like so many other moms are just trying to one-up each other and don’t help us out. I feel really alone out there a lot of the time myself. I would’ve definitely come to your aid had I been in that situation with you🙂 How scary!

I don’t think the other moms on this blog have the right to judge you, either. Other moms, who cares if you disagree with how Marissa reacted in this situation? We should be supporting one another, not criticizing! She doesn’t need your “constructive feedback” on how she should’ve handled an upsetting situation that will never happen again. Moms just need to support one another. Period.

Elizabeth
on October 29th, 2010

Hahaha – you are funny, I live in LA and the moms kinda suck. Glad your little one is ok, I am terrified of doing that and have nearly done it half a dozen times. Congrats on your son!!

Kate
on October 29th, 2010

I have to agree with both Lauren and Patti on this one, and a few other moms who posted similar statements.

Your children watch everything you do and say. They don’t care how people are dressed, they care about how they are treated, and how people make them feel. I don’t think those posts that say things constructively, other than just saying “that stinks” are an example of moms being mean or judgy. There is equal judgement going back and forth between the moms who dress up and those who don’t. I don’t think it’s fair to say that a mom who puts time into her appearance is a bad mom who takes time away from her kids. I also don’t think that the moms who dont put time into how they look are slobs with filty houses who put their kids in front of the TV.

There was a good amount of self-centeredness and insecurity and judgement in this blog, and I don’t think those who pointed it out were out of line.

Jean
on October 29th, 2010

I’m sorry, Kate, I totally have to disagree with your post. My mother-in-law watches my daughter while I am at work, and this same situation happened to them. And you know what is interesting? My mother-in-law had the same exact reaction as Marissa. My feeling is, unless the situation has happened to you, you can’t relate to what your reaction would be.

Jeni
on October 29th, 2010

I really have to agree with Annie’s comment on this. As a mother of 4 young children, I empathize with your plight, however, It is up to us to remain calm and in control for our children. Children emulate what they see in us, be that whining, complaining, insecurity, or Falling to pieces and crying hysterically. You are teaching your child to be and do all these things. I am in no way judging you, just pointing something out from one busy Mom to another.

Kerry
on October 29th, 2010

Forget about the Mommy Club, you are now part of the Mother of the Year club! I once dropped my son off at the front door to his elementary school only to get a call 3 minutes later let me know that school was closed due to a problem with the electicity. This was before reverse 411 and 5am phone calls when school is canceled. It wasn’t like there weren’t cars in the parking lot and I wasn’t the only one to drop their kid off either. MOTHER OF THE YEAR!

Erika Hudson NH
on October 29th, 2010

I love her….she is the bomb.

Tracy
on October 29th, 2010

I’m in the UK and have never seen your show and don’t actually have a clue who you are (and I really don’t mean that to sound horrible), but I totally agree with what you say.

As mothers we all agree that it’s the hardest job in the world, yet we’re all so quick to judge other mums for not treating their child in the way we’d treat our own.

Thankfully my car won’t lock until the doors are all shut properly so I’ve never locked either of them in but there’s been plenty of occasions where I’ve gotten odd looks and had people tutting at me.

My 8 y/o has autism and thinks nothing of lying on the floor of the supermarket having a complete meltdown over something essentially trivial. The amount of other parents who give me a weird look simply cos I won’t deal with that behaviour is amazing. Yes, I am quite happy to stand there and say to him “Right OK whenever you want to get up off the floor that would be good” simply because trying to wrestle him up off the floor will make him worse.

Maybe the mothers who watched you freaking out simply didn’t know what to say or how to react. But thank god for the one who did sit with you. Now if you can connect with her more regularly if you pass in the mornings (say a quick hi etc) then you may feel less left out.

As for the outfit, I say let him wear it. The 8 y/o goes through stages of wearing his superman costume everywhere. He eventually gets bored of it as Zev will.

S Miller
on October 29th, 2010

Ok enough with the parking space which is what…all of maybe 5 feet wide, barely wide enough for a stupid car much less a mother trying to extract her child and all his stuff. she didn’t pull up and whip her car door open with the sole purpose of tying up traffic or other moms trying to do the same as she was. She wasn’t even given the chance to get her child safely out of the car before some b!t@h starts telling her to shut the door! I would have told her in the same tone to hold her horses or go elsewhere.

Maybe if the woman had asked her politely it would have made all the difference, but she said she was very rude. I would have taken twice as long as needed if I have someone trying to order me around.

LaToya
on October 29th, 2010

It was the night we had the blackout that took out several states for a couple of days in 2002. My husband and I, and the two kids were trying to find something to eat, to no avail. We returned home to find the neighbor across the streets garage on fire. He was running a generator and caught the garage on fire. We jump out the car, my husband, my son (who was five at the time) and myself. We’re standing in front of our home with our neighbors, it had to be three minutes at the most.

I go to the car to get my daughter out (who was 6 months), and the doors had automatically locked. I was frantic! We tried everything to get her out. Of course it was blazing outside, and she was sound asleep in her carseat, in the ac. My neighbors tried, coat hangers, screw drivers, anything we could do to get her out. We called the police every two minutes, but because of the outtage, they didn’t know when they would get there.

Luckily my neighbors husband is a police officer and she called him and the came in a squad car with two other police officers and finally they were able to get her out. I didn’t know that they aren’t allowed to use or have those bars to open doors. He was able to use the coat hanger we had tried for over an hour to use. Dont feel bad about this, this can happen to any parent. Thank God Onstar was invented!

Bridgett
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, you rock! At my daughter’s preschool I felt like the only fat, frazzled mom ever. All of the other moms would give me “that look,” totally deflating my self-esteem. Whatever, I got over it😉 The moms at her elementary school look more normal (real) and seem much sweeter, so that’s a relief! Nothing worse than being judged on mothering ability, that’s just mean. BTW, you are beautiful!

justme
on October 29th, 2010

I left my career to be home with my children. I had a run in with a mom who pulled the “I’m a professional career woman” crap on me….guess how I fired back? “I left MY career to concentrate on MY KIDS, I don’t work 60 hours a week, because money doesn’t mean a darn thing to me…I can never replace the time with my children”

Boy did that start something…..I’m dirt now, and she can sit at her cozy little desk, with her $200 heels….I’m liking the homework and snacks and soccer practices….and in the end, giving up what was good for ME for my children…was the BEST decision I ever made!

DMK
on October 29th, 2010

Let him wear the costume. Go to a secondhand store and buy him other costumes, so he’ll have some variety and you don’t have to do laundry constantly. My son refused to wear anything but pajamas for several months when he was three, because each pajama set was a different (made up) super hero.

If you want him to wear different clothes at Thanksgiving, think about a compromise. Would he accept a Hulk t-shirt on that day? Would he wear a smaller Hulk mask? (Klutz toys makes a great, cheap little super hero kit that has lots of little paper masks in it — you could let him come up with his own version.) If you let him think it’s his own idea, he’ll go with it.

As for the mommies, we’ve all felt judged. I work at home, and rarely shower until after work. Dropping my son off, the other moms are always dolled up for office jobs, and I often feel out of place. My mom taught me two lessons that are invaluable in this type of situation: 1) you will always be happiest if you see the best version of other people; and 2) it’s never about you (well, almost never). Maybe the other mommies didn’t know what to do. Maybe they were waiting around to see if they could help. Maybe they were freaking out because the fire truck was blocking them in and they were going to be late for work. You can’t know what was going on in their heads. You will be happier if you choose to see a sympathetic (if ineffectual) response.

Or you could switch preschools, and look for one where you feel you fit in better. Chances are, Zev will fit in better there, too.

fuzibuni
on October 29th, 2010

what I really want to hear more about is pp’s comment above that her neighbor called the police as she was unloading the car with her daughter in the car seat! why didn’t she just come over and talk to you? what is the back story here? this is blog worthy!

I agree that we all need to help each other out. Most people can feel isolated and alone, which makes even simple things hard to cope with. I am grateful for marissa’s honesty here. She shared a vulnerable moment with us and it’s refreshing to read something real like this.

I will also say that the only thing we can really change is ourselves. If we crave and expect non-judgement, support and kindness from others we nned to look inside our own hearts and stop ourselves from judging and blaming others. Even though it is sometimes difficult, it helps to look beyond our own realities, insecurities and fears. No one is perfect. We ALL struggle. Everyone deserves compassion and care. Reality and personal happiness are matters of perception.

Tanya
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, forget those snooty moms. They know they have done it too!!! That happened to me before, my daughter was 1 (she’s 16 now). The driver side lock was messed up (1987 car) and since all the others were locked, I got out the car to do something and the door slammed. My daughter sat there laughing until the firemen came and helped me. I think what helped me keep my cool was the fact that she wasn’t crying. But I totally know how you felt that day. Glad to know you are normal like all of us.🙂

Jessica
on October 29th, 2010

All I can say, is GM, GM, GM. You have to have ONstar. I locked my 13 mo old in the car the other (in the driveway, so not so bad) and it was wonderful knowing that I didn’t have to panic, I just had to go grab my phone call onstar, and my doors were unlocked in two minutes.

shannon
on October 29th, 2010

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

marina
on October 29th, 2010

I have read the blog many times and I don’t see how any of the other mothers were rude… Actually I found the whole blog kinda judgmental. Wearing skinny jeans and white button-down shirts makes you being mean? Showering, or trying to look pretty? Or wanting to get out fast of the parking lot? There is nothing wrong with any of that! You don’t know how they lives their lifes, they may have work to do, a horrible husband, a sick parent, or they even may feel as judged as you!

I know that there are horrible bullying mother out there, and I’m not saying that you didn’t encounter a couple of them, nor that you are a horrible human being! Not a all, you seem sweet, loving and with the heart in a good place, but my point is, that if you don’t want to feel judge then maybe you should start not judging anyone else. You know nothing about them, and they don’t know anything about you, and letting go stereotypes and preconception ideas you make you feel a lot better with your self. You just have to be you and do what you feel is better for your family and your self.

Growing up overweight make me feel many times as outcast and feeling judged most of my high school life, and it wasn’t until decided to give people the benefit of the doubt that I found peace with everyone else. (And yes, I’m still overweight, and have messy hair and wear mismatched clothes, heck if it was up to me I would never take off my pajamas!). Let it go, and people may surprise you! You will find very mean people out there, but also you will find friends in the most unexpected places that made up for those people! Good luck with everything, and wish you and Zev a happy halloween!

Kim
on October 29th, 2010

My son wore a batman costume almost everyday over his clothes for nearly a year. I say let him wear his costume for as long and as often as he wants. It will not hurt him or anyone else, and when your beautiful little boy is 15 with whiskers as mine is, you will remember those days with a smile and a tear.

Beth
on October 29th, 2010

Yeah, I was never a part of a mommy club either. I did join a statewide Moms Like Me Board and the few times I went on an otting with them, I felt, as you did, like I was right back in high school. I did find a wonderful group of mommies who all have kids born in the same month, it’s just we all don’t live near each other.

As for the costume, let him wear it! He’s only young once!

Colleen
on October 29th, 2010

I’m not a mom, but I am constantly judged by women who are. It makes me feel horrible! I’m told that I must have tons of free time since I have no children, yet these women don’t know what I do in my spare time. (I’m actually quite busy.) Women have also said things to me to imply that they would be better off without their children (although I’m sure they’re only exaggerating); that just breaks my heart! I’m also treated as if I’m not a “real woman.” If we could all just treat one another with respect and love, life would be a lot easier!

Sara
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa is 100% correct, moms are REALLY rough on other moms. Women in general are tough on each other. It’s almost as if mothering has become a contest. As mothers and as WOMEN we would be so much stronger if we supported and helped each other, rather than constantly trying to tear each other down.

Megan
on October 29th, 2010

Can I just say that I really like your blog. finally one on here not about how great it is to have a newborn. I love that you are so honest about how hard it is to have kids as they get older.

As for the hulk, i would not worry about it. he will eventually find something else he loves and wants to wear. If not you can always lose it in the laundry the day of Thanksgiving.

Amy
on October 29th, 2010

Kate – “I’m not judging your reation …,” Uh, yeah you did. This is the kind of stuff we’re talking about – moms telling other moms how it “should” be done rather than listening, supporting, and offering ideas when asked. Jeez, I broke down in the grocery store the other day. That doesn’t make me a bad mom, it makes me a tired and overwhelmed mom.

Leigh
on October 29th, 2010

I also don’t think Lauren or Patti were out of line. If anything, I learned from this blog that *if* “perfect moms” are judging others, then “sloppy moms” are just as judgmental if not more so. For mommies to truly become more supportive, then more need to get over their insecurities and change their OWN behavior first. “sloppy moms” stop thinking “perfect moms” are out to get you just because they were able to make the time to look presentable.

Charlotte
on October 29th, 2010

Hi Marissa:

Sorry this happened to you. I would freaked out, too. And I am sure it has happened to many other moms. Yeah, it seems some mommies can be totally bitchy.

Best, CL

p.s. I don’t know what to tell you about the costume conundrum.

Momto4
on October 29th, 2010

While I sympathized with some of your plight, and realize I may be taking some of it out of context, I must say the following makes me question your own rudeness. “I start putting his sneakers on while he’s still in his seat …with the door wide open.” Let me get this straight -, the other mom is “rude” because her kid is already dressed and she is ready to take him/her into school and get to wherever she needs to be. She asks you to move so she can get out, but instead of doing so you tell her to wait, and when she says she can’t wait because she’s in a hurry, you feel she is rude. But you are not rude for holding her up by not having your stuff together?

OK, we all have bad mornings where we’re running behind, but why didn’t you just jump in the back seat, close the door, put your kid’s shoes on and then open the door when you were actually ready to get out. Don’t get me wrong, as a mother of 4 including 3 year old twins, my days can be quite frantic too, but I would never do what you did as I consider it extremely rude to think my time is more valuable than that of someone else.

megan
on October 29th, 2010

“Megan and Lauren must be skinny jean moms!! Haters!

– texasmom on October 29th, 2010”

That’s really random. Where do you come up that idea ? I can’t speak for Lauren, but I just pointed out nobody was rude to Marissa in the article. If she had given an actual example of meanness, that would be a different story.

Francesmomto3
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa-do NOT let these women get you down. I always tell women who are new mommies, that they need to go with their mommy instinct 99% of the time. I guarantee it will be right. Its hard to be a mom and juggle work at the same time. I have three children and yes I locked the first two in cars accidently. The second time the little onery thing knew how to get herself out (probably around two years old I think)…but waited until I had already gotten the locksmith over to reach up and flick the lock. I had to laugh cause I swear she was laughing at me!

We have the judgmental moms here in Kansas City too. Its too bad that if you went into their house, they are so busy trying to make everything perfect, that they don’t have the time or effort to live life and enjoy their kiddos. Life is too short, wear your sweats and tshirt….throw that hair up in a ponytail….We have all been there and done that. Hang in there sweetie!

Girl, you come to my house for a playdate. We’ll let our kids smear playdough all over the walls, feed them inorganic snacks and regale each other with stories of bad mommyhood.

There’s room at my kids’ preschool, too. Rock on.

Sade
on October 29th, 2010

Now I am sure that at one point or another someone has locked their keys in the car… Sometimes with a child in the car sometimes not… but bursting in to hysterics and yelling call the police is a little dramatic.. and of course would draw attention and yes mostly negative…I know people that have been accidentally locked in the car and they are perfectly normal…Here s a question why not calm down and try to talk your child through the steps on how to unlock the door.. that is what Jennifer Garner did when she locked her keys and child in the car, when Violet was around the same age or a little older than your son…

And about the groups of mommies find a group that suits you… and please don’t judge that makes you just as bad or worse than they are.. did it ever occur to you that parents have jobs or want to set a good impression.

my advice find your own group of Mommy friends that like you and your child. And maybe invest in on-star for you car so it will not be so bad next time

Sarah
on October 29th, 2010

Finally! A mommy who is willing to talk about mommy bullying!! I’m a nanny so I was dealing with mommy bullies before I even became a mom! Some women would make snarky comments about my employers assuming that because they have a nanny they don’t spend time with their kids (actually I provided childcare while they WORKED) one family had a teenager, toddler triplets and another little boy 14 months younger than the triplets! So one day I took the little ones to the zoo, they were 2,2,2, and 1 at the time and I was 8 months pregnant. I got stares, giggles, and more snarky comments, especially because I happen to look very young (I’m 25 but look about 18)

Then my daughter comes along and I had trouble nursing her due to a severe allergic reaction to some medication the Dr. put me on to clear up Mastitis. I called The Le leche League and explained the problem I was having (turned out the meds to clear up the allergic reaction dried my milk up so there isn’t anything I could do about it anyway) and said that I’d been having trouble pumping at work. The woman I spoke laid into me big time saying that I wasn’t a good mom and if I really cared about my daughter I’d be at home with her and not working and on and on and on. I hung up the phone in tears. I have run into moms who look at me like I’m the spawn of satan for working instead of staying home. I have found that sometimes other moms can be the biggest bullies of them all!

Coleen
on October 29th, 2010

Please don’t beat yourself down about not being the perfect Mom! I have always been a working Mom and used to beat myself down just like you but, not anymore. I have two great kids (really!) that know how crazy life can be and are smart and independent thinkers because I let them (and my husband) know that to make this all work we need to pull together and unite as a family, or it will not work. Now that they are 11 and 15 years old and still in one piece with great grades and interests in sports and music, I could not be prouder of them.

I still see the stay at home Moms and sneer at how perfect their makeup is and how thin they are but, and this is a big but, they could not know the love I have for my kids and they have for me (even when there is a tiff). I wish for alot of things, like to be rich, thin and organized, but my biggest wish is to raise good, moral and compassionate kids. I don’t drink starbucks and would not even know where a Mommy and Me class would be at in my town but, I would not have it any other way!

Be who you are and hug your family, instill morals and teach good behavior and you will be as proud as I am! And as for the Bully Moms, they have skinny jeans and starbucks and I do not care! So there!

kim
on October 29th, 2010

I hear you. Sometimes other moms make me feel like they are superwomen or from outer space. They seems to have everything under control. Honestly how do they do it or they just know how to pretend and don’t complain????
How can I join your group?🙂

Sheri
on October 29th, 2010

Let him wear his Hulk costume as jammies. My oldest (who is now 19) was Grover from Sesame Street when he was about Zev’s age. He wanted to wear that costume everywhere…except for the mask, which scared him. So, we made a deal with him that after Halloween he could wear it as jammies. We washed it, and it shrank but still fit. Then he grew and we ended up cutting the little feet off of it…then cutting it into short sleeves when the weather got warmer…then shorts. He got so big that we ended up cutting the sleeves totally off and he still wore the thing to bed, even with his little toddler wedgie because it was so tight.

Long story short, he’s 19 and doesn’t wear it to bed anymore, but he remembers being Grover and it makes him smile even now. (When it was waaaaay to small for him, I took him shopping–just me and him–and let him pick out any pajamas he wanted. It was the first thing he ever picked out by himself.)

pp
on October 29th, 2010

fuzibuni: the back story is that it was the middle of July, and all the TV stations were constantly running the “don’t leave your kids or pets in the car” campaign. The neighbor thought that because I had my keychain in my hands to open the front door, that the car was turned off. (I have a Prius, so I can take the keys out of the car while it is still running.) She was pregnant with her first child, so of course she thought she knew everything about raising children. And the police officer was a woman too, who told me she would do everything she could to have my child taken from me. This also triggered a call to Child Protective Services, who inspected my home and my child looking for signs of abuse. Meanwhile my baby was busy having her woken-up-early tantrum on the floor behind me as I spoke to the cop and my neighbor, who I had not yet met because we had just moved there. CRAZY I tell ya!

J
on October 29th, 2010

Sade, why all the scolding and lectures?

meghan
on October 29th, 2010

@D, If my smile was half as beautiful as Marissa’s, you would see my choppers 24/7!

I think it’s funny that though most of the posts have been supportive and helpful, there are still those posters who can’t stop themselves from telling Marissa what she did wrong and she should have handled it. I locked my keys in an idling car in front of a hospital entrance. I did not have a child in the car, but because of my emotional state at the time and fretting that I was blocking a hospital and disrupting the lives of sick people and their families, I became hysterical. I’m not the hysterical type, but sometimes the circumstances of a situation create a perfect storm and you fall to pieces. And you don’t know unless you’ve been there so you can’t say, “don’t freak out”.

Marissa, I think you are adorable and down-to-earth and I’m glad you are blogging here! We women need to support each other!

Jacqui
on October 29th, 2010

Uh, drasch, I think you missed the point. I don’t think Marissa is going out of her way to TRY to be a crappy mom.

Felice
on October 29th, 2010

Please – do not be concerned with the opinions of the other Moms. You are happy, your baby is happy, you are raising a happy family. That is all that matters – approval from others, to quote one of my favorite movies, not required or desired!

Jessa
on October 29th, 2010

I’m not one of the stereotypical “cool” moms. I don’t drive an SUV or even a minivan. I don’t get dolled up to take my child to school and I don’t have a smartphone or other stuff that would make me look like one of the “in crowd”. I care a little…not enough to get bent out of shape about it, but a little.

As one of the moms on the outside looking in, as I often feel, I understand feeling judged. I think the reaction you had was probably very frightening for you. I’ve never locked my kid in the car, but trust me, I will someday. I think every parent does that at some point. One thing I will say is that if there were moms just standing there, watching, they should have left if they couldn’t be of help. There’s no point watching. What for? To see if the kid gets out? Of course he will! His mother is there, 911 has been called and all will be fine. Do they need to be there making sure it happens like it won’t if they aren’t there? Unless a mom can step up and offer a hand, they should leave. No one needs a gawking audience in a time like that.

Jen
on October 29th, 2010

Sometimes we have so much going on that we get frazzled and things happen so fast. I thought that it was rude of the first mom to be rushing her to begin with! If I would have been there I would have talked to her and tried to tell her about things like this happening to other people and that he was safe in the car and everything would be ok.

Oh and as far as the costume thing goes….my son wore his Spiderman costume from last year very frequently (never out of the house though (LOL!)…well until he got his Batman costume this year. :o)

C-Bear
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa,.. I’m sure most of those “perfect” mommies have a closet full of hidden skeletons themselves so don’t let them get to you. I’m not a parent, yet I’ve felt their wrath on the occasion because of it. The option of children is one that has been taken from the hands of my husband and me but we have come to terms with it. I’ve been made to feel less of a woman by a more than a few of these “perfect” people but even more have been wonderful and understanding. We have nieces and nephews to spoil along with the many kids of our friends so we don’t lack children around us. We’ve done our share of babysitting (happily I might add) and I’m sure if I accidentally locked them in the car, I’d be hysterical too! It’s a learning thing for parents and kids. We laugh about it now but it sure wouldn’t be at the time I’ll bet.

BTW: If you do lock your keys, kids inside or otherwise, a tow truck company might be able to get you back into the car too. They should be able to slimjim the door for you for a few bucks.

Zeej
on October 29th, 2010

I could be entirely wrong since I wasn’t there, but if I saw a grown woman barefoot – which it’s illegal to drive barefoot where I’m from – having what essentially sounds to be a completely meltdown because she accidentally locked her kid in the car and was threatening to break a window, /I/ would look at you strangely. And I’m not a mom. It’s just something extremely strange to see. (And dangerous to break a window with a little kid in the car.)

Yes, your kid was inside but he was in his seat and okay, you should have remained calm. I know it’s hard but I’ve been a kid, my parents were protective without going into crazy protective melt down mode most times.

So perhaps you need to calm the OMG THEY’RE JUDGING ME thing on at least this incident. Maybe other ones they really are but in this situation, you looked and sounded crazy. (Heck reading it you sounded crazy.)

sandra
on October 29th, 2010

Marissa, Lauren and Megan all hit the nail right on the head; I agree with all points they made. They echoed my own sentiments exactly as I read this blog.

Kudos girls!

Shannon
on October 29th, 2010

“One mom tried to make me feel better, but I think it was really just to get a closer look!”

LMAO!!!!

Molly
on October 29th, 2010

Megan, Nicole and Zeej are perfect examples of mommy bullies. They are bullying on this blog but are trying to pretend they are being helpful. Yeah right. All of you should have moved on instead of bullying.

Marissa I love your blog and please ignore the mommy bullies around here. Not all of us were bullies in high school🙂

Romy
on October 29th, 2010

moms and humans in general DO judge each other, but sometimes people are just so sensitive and self conscious about everything too. Try not to worry and wonder so much about what everyone thinks. Be happy with being yourself, there are other moms like you.

I would guess I am somewhere in between. Not the 2 a day hair washer, but not last night’s make-up and rat’s nest either. I make a little bit of time because it makes me feel better, NOT because other moms might judge me.

Just remember there other normal and nice moms out there too, and try to just relax through situations and enjoy🙂

Wuvvums
on October 29th, 2010

Wow.

Seriously? You call THAT bullying? Do you realize as we speak there are teenagers and kids probably getting shoved into lockers? Or getting caught in a fist-fight? Or having their cars vandalized? Heck, people tried to chase me with their cars in the parking lot when I was in high school, and I was a pedestrian!

THAT is bullying. What did those mothers do to you? They stared. Oh no, they looked at you funny.

Grow some skin.

Emmy
on October 29th, 2010

I agree with Lauren 100 per cent!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marissa, just by reading your blog it sounds to me like you think the world revolves around you! You judge the other mothers, for taking the time to look after themselves, you judge them for not coming to your aide (Hey crazy women yelling call 911, who is going to want to approach you!) and you do not know what they were thinking, you have one mum come close to you and you judge her! Saying she just wanted to get a closer look, you can not win with you!

As for holding the door open while the other mother wanted to get out, why do you think that your time is more important than hers? I mean seriously???? so rude of you!!!!!!! Whenever i am trying to get my kids in the car, i will always hold the door while another person is trying to get in or out, that is the right thing to door.

Do not be so quick to judge other people, if you want to be one of those mothers who dresses sloppy, thats your choice, but if there are mothers out there who take the time with their appearance, do not judge, if that make them feel better about themselves.

Your blog really irked me and its not because you locked your son in the car, that can happen to anyone, its how you reacted and how you were to others and quick to judge them.

Becca
on October 29th, 2010

Oh Marissa, I can’t imagine how terrifying that must have been! I would have been hysterical too; my husband forgot to lock the gate at the top of the stairs the other day, and I caught my 17 month old daughter by the wrist as she was about to fall down them! I screamed her name and burst into tears immediately. My husband wanted to give me tranquilizers!😉 So I totally get the sobbing!

As for the Mommy bullies, I hear ya. The Mom’s Club in my town is so exclusive that they won’t even allow working moms to be members. I guess we don’t need mommy support. I was recently laid off, so I called the club to see if I could come to some meetings just to get out of the house. The “HMBIC” (Head Mom Bully In Charge) said, “Our chapter is really geared towards Moms who are focused on raising their children. I understand that you’re home now, but you are planning on going back to work, so you really are a “working mom”. That’s not really a part of our philosophy, and I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.” That’s word for word; I just played back the message so I could get it exact!

So apparently not only do I not need support from other moms, but I’m not raising my daughter to their specifications! Grrr! After talking to another working mom in my community, we’ve decided to start our own mom’s club. It will be totally inclusive; we will welcome working moms, single moms, stay at home moms, laid off moms, lesbian moms, and even dads who need some support!

So don’t let the mom bullies get you down! You’re welcome in our club anytime!!!

Kat_momof3
on October 29th, 2010

you totally pick your battles.. can he wear it to school… no… but can he wear it around the house, to the park, that stuff… SURE… when it’s dirty, you clean it (and also take the opportunity of the sales that start after halloween to get him a nice stash of costumes… boys play dress-up, too)

But school, thanksgiving dinner, that sort of thing, you insist he wear proper clothes.

And remember to make some time to sleep… if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t expect to be able to take care of your husband and your son (and the same advice goes for your hubby)

Rachelle
on October 29th, 2010

I adore your honesty! You are a great Mom! Life happens and we deal with it however we do. Thank you for sharing a part of yours!

Rachelle
on October 29th, 2010

Oops I forgot….invite The Hulk to Thanksgiving dinner! You’ll have a happy kid and great conversations!

Abby
on October 29th, 2010

After reading your post about Mommy Bullies, I thought I’d peruse the comments to see if any of these women reared their head in the post. For those that did (@megan especially, whose comments were less supportive, more “I feel like being a b**** on the Internet because I have direct access to a celeb”), forget about them. Clearly, they are barking up the wrong tree, on the wrong forum, and are exactly those judgmental women you spoke of.

I’m not a mom, but I once dropped by baby cousin head first on an icy driveway. She cried. I cried, felt like disowning myself from my family before they did it to me, etc etc, but those moments always pass. As you discovered, there is always a solution. I can relate 100% to your reaction because I too assume the worst in a moment of panic (ask my boss, he’ll tell you!)

I will say that I don’t envy you – because of my anonymity, I would have told that rude first mom who caused you to shut your son in the car to Get Lost after she said “I’m in a hurry,” before I would have tried to make her day any easier than mine! Unfortunately you always have to carry off a persona, even in your sweats with your little boy in tow. You’re already a better person than me!

D
on October 29th, 2010

I didn’t run into the mommy bullies until my oldest was in elementary school. When my youngest locked himself in the car in front of his preschool, all the moms were very sympathetic and offered to help. One played “good cop” (playing games & talking sweetly) to my “bad cop” (yelling at him to stop honking the horn and pick. up. the. keys. right. now!) and after at least 30 minutes, she got him to push the right button to unlock it while I quickly yanked open the door (almost smashed her in the face by accident!)

I joined the PTA thinking it would get me in the club but apparently I live in the wrong neighborhood and, therefore, have no value as a human being in their eyes. Ignore the judgy, schedule playdates with the sweet moms/children, and hang in there. If you ever figure out the secret password, let us know!

Rose
on October 29th, 2010

“i think some of the comments written here are perfect examples of moms judging other moms instead of supporting and just saying “that stinks.”

ABRADY: Supporting another mother does not mean we have to agree with her about everything she says and does. And pointing out things that might produce a better outcome next time is not judging. No one is acting like Marissa is a bad mother, they were merely pointing out a few things that might produce a happier outcome for her the next time around.

As long as these suggestions are made in a thoughtful, supportive, considerate manner then I don’t see how that qualifies as judging. Some people are really hyper-sensitive about the whole judgement issue and label every person who doesn’t say “everything you did was right and perfect” as judgement. I think it’s sad that some mothers think support = pretending to agree with everything another mother does. Sometimes the most supportive thing a person can do for another is to say, “If you try this next time it might make things easier for you.”

Marissa just said she wished the other mothers would have helped her. Well what kind of help did she want, because I doubt that walking up and say “this stinks” would have been helpful. What might have helpful is if a woman like Lauren had walked up and said, “Here’s what might work better.” But I guess according to you that kind of help would have been nothing more than mommy bullying.

Cindy
on October 29th, 2010

I did the same thing! It gets better- hang in there!!

TC
on October 29th, 2010

I’ve been there.

First with locking the kid in the car. I decided to take my 4 yr old cousin on vacation and here we were 4 hours from home and I had to stop for gas and accidentally locked her in the car! I was panicking and trying hard to stay calm for her. She was in a car seat buckled in and I tried so hard to get her to unbuckle her car seat but of course no luck. I felt like an idiot about 2 min later when she tried to open the door and it opened! Apparently I had forgotten to set the child lock. I sat in my car for a good 10 min afterwards just trying to make my heart stop beating so fast.

The exclusive mommy club sucks. I am a nanny in a rich part of town, I’m not a mom but I’ve been with the same family for 3 yrs and I was there the day the youngest was born. I know everything about him just like his mother does. If you ask me how much he weighed at birth I know, if you ask me what percentile for height he is in I know, if you ask me when he started walking I can tell you…..the list goes on and on and when a new mommy meets us at mommy and me class or the library they talk to me just like I am one of them and for a while I am but then the inevitable happens. They ask me a question like does he get his blond hair from his daddy or is he your only child and I wont lie so I respond by saying no his mom has blond hair or I’m the nanny but he does have an older sister. The moment I say that, that’s it. I am scum of the earth infected with some contagious disease and they must stay as far away from us as humanly possible.

It makes it harder on me and my charges. First now these parents wont allow their kids to play with mine, I try to encourage my charge to play with their kid during class and the mom finds a reason to move their child. I try to set up a play date and they have a million and one excuses as to why their kid can’t play with mine. It’s not any easier for me because just like stay at home moms I crave adult interaction. I spend my days entertaining two small children so when I go out I love talking with other adults. You can only discuss so much with a small child, it’s nice to talk to adults even if its only about the kids.

Monica
on October 29th, 2010

I’m not a judgy mom but if this happened at my daughter’s school and I didn’t know you or at least recognize you as a mom I’ve seen around or talked to, I wouldn’t do anything either. I wouldn’t want to get in the way- especially when the firemen showed up. I don’t think that makes me a bad mom or a bully.

The school that my daughter went to last year was in a very nice part of town and all the moms dropped their kids off in their little workout clothes fresh on their way to the gym in their mercedes or bmw. I did feel like they were snobby moms but that was totally my high school insecurities popping up as they never were mean in any way to me or my daughter.

Alida
on October 30th, 2010

Oh, my stars. What an amazing overreaction, both to the situation and to a perfectly reasonable request.

Keep in mind, our children base their reactions off of ours. If we panic, in all likelihood, so will they. Unless it was hot outside and your child is in danger, there is no need to scream for 911. AAA doesn’t take that long and the little man can take a nap while Mom keeps him company from outside the car.

It happens to all of us, (for me, I had to break into my own home through a window), but not all of us become hysterical.

I don’t think you were being bullied.

Oh, and the costume? Adorable!

Lola Marie
on October 30th, 2010

Wow Lauren you really took the time to write a novel…………………………….*side eye*

Jennifer
on October 30th, 2010

I agree with Lauren. She was in no way rude. I’m also totally against the way moms have a tendency to judge each other. I do take great offense to the notion that because I take the time to shower daily, wear stylish clothing and do my hair and make-up that I’m less of a mother and I’m taking away time from my children to do these things for myself. First of all I personally get up before anyone in my home so I plan for this “me” time and even if I didn’t putting myself together makes me a better mom. The judgment goes both ways.

As far as the costume, let him have his fun but set rules as to wear he can wear it. Playing in the yard at a play date, going to grandma’s = totally acceptable
Church, school, Thanksgiving dinner = not so much

I believe that parents set the rules and boundaries while allowing the kids to still be kids. You are in charge!

Andrea
on October 30th, 2010

I feel your pain and I am sorry. I wish people weren’t so judgemental. As far as the costume goes I am not sure what you can do except hopefully he will lose interest or perhaps maybe distract him with something better or different. I have a 2 1/2 year old and I haven’t shown him his costume yet because I am afraid he will not want to put it away and I don’t feel like dealing with a tantrum. So hopefully when Sunday comes along he will like the costume. Then again he may find it scary.

Thanks for sharing your story. It made me realize there are others who feel just as incompetent as I feel at times. I am sure you are doing the best you can do.

leah
on October 30th, 2010

I totally relate to this. But I have to ask, has anyone accidently forgot to buckle the carseat? I bought a cozy cover for our daughter the other day and I put her in the carseat to run to the store, 2 miles away, and when I got there I realized I had zipped her up without checking the straps on the carseat! I feel like such a terrible mom!I haven’t even had the courage to tell my husband let alone my other “mom friends”!

Holly F.
on October 30th, 2010

Oh my gosh, is Zev just the CUTEST HULK you have even seen. And the other little friend with him is ADORABLE as well! Let them wear costumes every day because soon they won’t be dressing up so much anymore!

And to all the moms out there-those put together perfectly and to those who struggle to just get dressed-please just support each other through all the stages that your kids go through at school and in life. Most moms I know are just trying their best to love their kids and somehow keep it all together. Just a point that is line with all: I have been that stay-at-home mom who was room mother and went on the field trips. Yet, I never judged any other mom who couldn’t be there as much because of her responsibility at work. Instead, I invited the neighbor kids over after school to have snacks and do homework and then playtime. Because I knew the kids needed that as much as the parents. I think it does take a village.

And one further subject let’s all agree to quit arguing about. Breast or bottle feeding. I did take insult when the model, Giselle, said breastfeeding should be mandatory. Why is that up to her to decide for each woman out there. Sometime breastfeeding works out great, and sometimes it is simply not the best for mother or child. One of my babies never had a bottle and she breastfed for 20 months. But my other baby needed a bottle at 5 months due to my becoming ill. Plus, this little guy was way more hungry than his sister. So guess what? They both grew up into big college people now and are just fine. To me, having done both, as long as they eat well, they will grow….

So let’s all lighten up a little and watch more of The Talk next week!

Jamez
on October 30th, 2010

She should not feel bad for being judged by the other moms there. These are mainly women who do not work, but are not really “housewives” who take care of their homes and families – their staffs do that. So they have are able to self-centered enough to wash their hair twice a day, spend hours at the gym, and occassionally drop off and pick up their children from school only to gossip with other moms who have nothing else better to do with their time.

Marissa, you always come across as a wonderful and real mom who deals with the stresses of many working mothers (celebrity or not) and isn’t ashamed to talk about it. You went through a lot to have your son and your love for him is crystal clear.

nella
on October 30th, 2010

Marissa, you seem very down to earth and like a good mom. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you aren’t. I’m sorry this happend to you, but I could understand why you reacted the way you did. You simply wanted someone to calm you down at that moment and land a helping hand. People make mistakes, even the best of moms so all we could do is try to learn from those mistakes and just do the best we can. I wish women in GENERAL supported each other more. I don’t mean just as moms, but also as friends, co-workers, people, even this website….Passing judgement onto others just isn’t right. We all have our own problems that the rest of the world might not know about.

Anyways, your son is adorable and as far as the costume goes, let him wear it, they’re only that age once, plus it will be a great story to tell him when he gets older.

robinepowell
on October 30th, 2010

I guess Marissa doesn’t watch Desperate Housewives.

Marc Cherry had a flashback episode where it showed Lynette accidently leaving her baby (Penny) in the car.

This can happen to anyone and she shouldn’t feel bad.

CL
on October 30th, 2010

No children here yet, but I am a huge fan of yours and once our adoption is finalized truth is…I can only imagine being turned inside out by members of the mommy clubs. I get your comment about being judged because you can FEEL it. I on the other hand am that put together skinny jeans woman but I have your attitude of acceptance of everyone. That stems from what people don’t see of me at first such as the fact that I also happen to be permanently disabled.

I keep hearing about how once you have kids a whole new set of pals comes into your life. I was really excited about the idea of meeting new people with kids in the future and learning things from them about parenting, too. It would be a time when I’d finally be considered as having something in common with them (our kids), but I see a mommy club as maybe being just another clique like those from high school. Um…no thanks.

The reason I suspect none of the watcher moms had stories to share is because they have themselves so tightly wound in their make believe worlds that they can’t distinguish that mistakes can and do happen, every single day, to even the most perfect of us all… and that is how ADULTS continue the learning process. Forgetting to be a human being is a real travesty. Everyone also talks about how they would handle something like this in state of panic, but until it happens to them, frankly they really have no idea. The other childless posters who like me watch friends kids or nieces and nephews here or there etc. I can ONLY imagine how I’d react or act were this to happen to any of them or one day my own.

Wya off topic, but your hair looks great this color. Love it!

Jen
on October 30th, 2010

Women are just mean and cruel human beings…I see it all the time the “im a better mommy, wife..etc than you!”. Whats really sad is there are websites out there that CLAIM to be helpful to mom’s but they are only a front for evil human beings to rip apart anyone that gives them opportunity…….

Hang in there Marissa, we all have those mom moments in life, and its usually in front of a huge crowd ;)!

Kate
on October 30th, 2010

Hi Marissa– add me to the list of moms who have accidentally locked their little one in the car.🙂 My son is 19 now and I can remember it as if it happened just yesterday. Thankfully it was a not-too-hot, not-too-cold kind of day, and he was thoroughly entertained by the maintenance men at our apartment complex as they tried, and failed, to open a door. Some very nice policemen came to the rescue, and my toddler was in good spirits… no thanks to me, who spent the entire time struggling not to have a breakdown.

As for the bully moms…. they were probably the “mean girl” types in school, and don’t deserve a second thought, though I realize that’s much easier to say than do. Keep up the good Mama work!

Dana
on October 30th, 2010

Hello!
I love reading your blogs! You are not alone in anything you write, and it is all a learning process. I never understood mommy bullies because we are supposed to stick together!

On the costume..either let him wear it or distract him with something else. He will tire of it eventually. Maybe get him a blanket with the hulk on it or a hulk figure. Or you can do what I do with my daughter and that is wean her from things. SLOWLY but surely I get what I want accomplished!
Have a great Halloween!

Jen
on October 30th, 2010

Marissa,
You sound like a great, normal Mom to be and Zev will be better off for it. I agree that often it feels like we are judged more by other moms and women than men or the larger community. It’s really disheartening and sad. Trust me, you’re not the only one at the preschool who has done something like this – whether they tell you the truth or not.

I have a 10 year old and a 7 year old and I learned just recently to surround myself with only the people who are supportive. Life is too short to worry about those who aren’t. They don’t live your life or walk in your shoes so have no right to judge.

Gianna
on October 30th, 2010

Wow. First of all pp, I’m so sorry about what happened to you. Your neighbor is rotten to the CORE!

Marissa, please remember that at the end of the day, you’re human. The moms who judge you only do it because they enjoy having someone to look down on. I know it’s hard, but ignore them. There really are some awful people out there, and the funny thing is, they’ve convinced themselves that they’re just being ‘helpful’. There are quite a few of them on this blog. I see the President and quite a few members of the Bully Moms club turned up to give you a what for regarding this story, but at the end of the day, you’re in a much better position than they are. You’re living your life, and at the end of the day, all they’re able to do is throw stones. That in itself should make you feel FAB😉

TC
on October 30th, 2010

Leah I’ve forgotten to buckle the kids up a few times and once forgot to buckle the entire car seat to the seat. My poor cousin (another one, not the one I locked in the car) was buckled in his seat and I turned a corner and the carseat fell on it’s side with him in it! Luckily he thought it was funny and never did bring myself to tell his mom.

Another time a cousin and I were going to the mall and her son was still in a rear facing carrier and she popped that into the car but forgot to buckle him in, we were driving down the freeway so we couldn’t stop, I would just turn around and pull him up every so often because he kept sliding down in the seat, I would have buckled him up but I just couldn’t reach the buckles. Even then we laughed about it.

Sarah
on October 30th, 2010

Marissa you are hilarious! I have never really read these celebrity baby blogs because really how much am I going to be able to relate to a celebrity but I am totally reading yours! And you are right we moms are hard on other moms. It really bothers me when moms are like that but sometimes I can’t help but judge another mom I see at the store or out at the playground. But I am really going to check myself on that from now on because I have done some stupid stuff as a mom and I know I wouldn’t want someone judging me! Thanks for being so funny and honest. I can’t wait to read your blog!

Joanie
on October 30th, 2010

I was at the post office one morning, and needed to go inside to send a package. There was one person in line, so I left my 9 year old in the car with my 3 year old air conditioner and car on. I know this was stupid, because my 9 year old decided to come in and ask if we could go somewhere after this. Well, the doors had locked with my 3 year old inside, and the car running. I was in a panic, went to his window and asked him to puch up the lock. He could not reach it, and I started to freak. A man pulled up and asked if I wanted to use his cell phone to call someone, while other mom’s just gave me dirty looks! I called my husband, who then called Onstar to unlock the doors. Yeah!! Everyone should have Onstar!!

Rose
on October 30th, 2010

“Women are just mean and cruel human beings”

Jen: Do you really not see how hypocritical you’re being by complaining about other women being mean and judgemental WHILE claiming that women are all mean and cruel. I think you’re the one who sounds judgmental, mean and cruel.

Maria
on October 30th, 2010

Let him wear the costume, is will only be 2 for a little while and It becomes a great, heartwarming memory. My son (now 21) wore his red power ranger’s costume alot and I would laugh because he thought everyone thought he was the real power ranger even with his blond hair sticking out the back. I smile whenever I think of it!! As for those other so called “mommies”, you will find your own mommy group as Zev get’s older and believe me you don’t want to be a part of their mommy brigade!! 🙂

Molly
on October 30th, 2010

Rose, she isn’t exactly wrong though. Look at comments by Kate, Lauren and Nicole. These are women who love destroying other mothers’ self esteem in order to feel superior and do it all the time around here.

Molly
on October 30th, 2010

No Monica, You’re not a bully just heartless. How can you justify ignoring someone in need of help. How cruel and sad

Anonymous
on October 30th, 2010

so loved this blog….went to one “mommy club” event….all in the uniform-skinny jeans, black boots, white shirts, perfect hair and nails…..puhlease….worked part-time for 1st 5 years, then went back to fulltime….now mommies in mommy club are PTA moms….same uniform, but when things need to be done who volunteers, the working moms…..other are “so busy”…..

tammy
on October 30th, 2010

Marissa, I know exactly how you feel about the mommy bullies, they are everywhere, even when you dont do something like lock your keys in the car, they still judge, The school my kids go to has mostly “stay home moms” and when they drop their kids off they are dressed very nicely, and all know each other, do all the school volunteering together, I work in a factory 40 plus hours and I also love my sweats, my hair in the ponytail, Ive been judged and looked at up and down like how could she where that to school, and who cares, my kids arent going to end up on the psychiatrists couch for what I wore, Thank-you, Thank-You Thank-You,for writing that, I thought I was the only one who thought that.

As for the costume, let him wear it hes only little once and hes not hurting anyone by wearing it, there was a little boy who wore his batman pjs to church every sunday, didnt hurt anyone, thought it was cute,in a couple of weeks its going to be something else.

Johanna
on October 30th, 2010

Let the little man wear his costume as long and as much as he wants. He won’t have a lot of choices once he’s an adult. Enjoy it. I have pics of my boys in dress-up clothes in every conceivable location and they all mean something special to me.

Me Ma
on October 30th, 2010

You know, as you mature and become more aware of what’s important in life, you will learn to laugh at those women who have perfect hair and white button down blouses. I mean think about how much time they have to spend keeping up with who knows who and why! How are they defining themselves? Just be confident in who YOU are. Life’s too short! Love your children, teach them what’s important, be kind, be giving and be real. You will learn to laugh soon! It’s liberating and feels right.

Rose
on October 30th, 2010

“Look at comments by Kate, Lauren and Nicole. These are women who love destroying other mothers’ self esteem in order to feel superior and do it all the time around here.”

@Molly: I read through all of the comments, including Kate, Lauren and Nicole’s comments and I saw no attempts to act superior or judge Marissa. I saw a few people pointing out that Marissa was judging others as well (which she did – she even judged the mother who tried to help her.) And your statement that those three women “love destroying other mother’s self esteem” is one of the most judgemental things I have read on here. So now you know what Kate, Lauren and Marissa’s motives are? You know they were trying to destroy another mother’s self-esteem? You sound like the kind of person who is trying to tear other people down. All I saw in Kate, Lauren and Nicole’s posts were attempts to point out to Marissa a way of handling things next time that might bring a better response.

It fascinates me how the people who are always lecturing other women about how they shouldn’t judge others, like you just did, end up being the most judgemental, mean, and ruthless women of the pack.

Maria
on October 30th, 2010

Moms are very judgemental and it is so sad. Rather than being supportive they look to find fault. I am shocked by some of the behavior I have witnessed in several of the Moms groups I belong to. The on line groups are the worst because the mom bullies hide behind their computers and bash other Moms. Being a Mom is the hardest job you will ever love and it would be nice to have other moms to talk to that did not judge and criticize. You can’t talk the talk until you have walked the walked. Can’t we all just get along?

Jennifer Mitchell
on October 30th, 2010

Hey fellow Mommy,

I have NEVER locked my child in the car, but I DID LOCK HER IN THE HOUSE!!!! I freaked out too! I broke a window (not in the room she was in) to get in to her and I WAS BAWLING MY EYES OUT THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! Hang in there! I have run in to “mommy bullies” too, I think only good mom’s do, because the “other” mom’s are the ones doing the bullying/judging! Remember who you are, and who your son will become because of the woman/mom that you are!! And no, it is NO COINCIDENCE that the mom that sat with you has the sweetest little girl! If only more mom’s would read your blog and take a good look at how they come across to their fellow mom’s. As for the Hulk costume, let him wear it EVERY second of EVERY day between now and Thanksgiving, and I bet he will be tired of it before then! We can hope! Hang in there!!!! You are a GREAT mom!

Denise
on October 30th, 2010

I have to agree with Kate that it’s important to maintain your composure in these situations – your son hearing your screams, seeing your panicked face, flailing arms and tears would have been the most terrifying part of the ordeal. While I would normally be the first to help, I would need a minute or two to figure out how to help someone I didn’t know who was hysterical. To be fair, you must admit you would have looked quite mad and this was probably not the best situation to begin judging others for their behaviour – isn’t this what you are asking of them? Not to judge?

While there may be the odd mom or two who make things unpleasant, I have found that ALL of my bad first impressions of moms have been inaccurate. Like you, I’m always looking for acceptance and understanding, but others are also going about their own lives and we can’t be so self-absorbed with our own insecurities that we take every trivial social interaction as a threat to our security and happiness. I have to remind myself of this constantly. If we’re with a group of friends at a play group do we invite every other lone mom to join us? We can’t read each other’s minds to know what we need.

One day a mom I kind of knew who I was hoping to become friends with looked past me as she walked by, no hello, with a sour expression on her face. I felt so deflated. But guess what? It wasn’t about me, she was utterly exhausted from being up all night with her newborn and she didn’t even see me. It isn’t always about us! We’re all human and each of us goes through this. There is no perfect mommy who has a perfect life with everything figured out, despite how things look. And we shouldn’t become obsessed with proving ourselves to the ones we deem to be the cool mommies. You all know what I mean. Let’s not do this to ourselves.

Jen
on October 31st, 2010

LOVE the blog, Marissa. I’m not a mom yet, but I was a nanny to the stars for a long time, so I feel your pain! Try being the nanny around the bully moms…it’s even worse. The FUNNY thing is you can 100% tell who the bully moms are in this comment section…they are very defensive and absolutely do NOT get it. I am so happy to be someone who gets it – and gets you! I have never locked a child in a car, but only out of luck and I can just imagine how scary that was. Ignore the bullies…even in the comments! Keep up the good work!

Martina
on October 31st, 2010

Women can be insecure, and as mommies, we can and do break down at times. The toughest part is keeping it together regardless of how difficult the situation. Don’t let the other mommies see you sweat or they will pounce on you and exploit your weakness for their own gratification. Keep your head up and feign confidence if you have to. Before you know it you will be that confident mommy that can conquer judgment from others with controlled composure.

Molly
on October 31st, 2010

Rose your comments just prove my point. We have very different definitions of what bullying is because to me, bullying is when you try to destroy the other person and you are actually trying to tell me they weren’t? That’s funny and sad. Sorry but some of us don’t tolerant bullying. If you don’t want anyone to consider you a bully, don’t behave like one which is what you are doing and so were they. Nothing you can say will change my mind about you or those other women. Sorry and good bye.

Single Mom
on October 31st, 2010

We all make mistakes as parents. Don’t worry about people that do not matter to you and judge you. They will never care about you or anyone you care about.

Anne
on October 31st, 2010

I agree wholeheartedly with what Kate says. While this tale was enetertaining, I understand where the other moms were coming from. Yes,its happened to other moms-she’s not the first mom to lock her kid in a car. However, dissolving into a hysterical mess didn’t do her son any good. If she had stayed calm, he would have stayed calm. What would have happened if she was off somewhere without other people around? In her state of panic anything could have happened. Sometimes as a mom, a cool head has to prevail.

Sorry, but this woman sounds neurotic and that’s not good. I have a feeling that she smothers this kid with her overprotectiveness. She needs to take a deep breath and realize that she’s not the first person in the world to have a kid and what’s happened to her has happened to tons of other women and their kids turned out just fine. If she doesn’t put a lid on it she’s going to end up with a kid who’s afraid of the world and who can’t cope with life.

She needs to stop looking at the actions of these moms who are ‘judging’ her and look at herself. Maybe these moms are onto something here…

Halley
on October 31st, 2010

I feel that way too. There is definitely a mom club at my kid’s school, and I am not a member. It makes me paranoid more than anything, because when they give me the side eye or look at me like I food in my teeth, I start to wonder if I do!

It is SO scary locking your keys and baby in the car! We’ve all done it. Glad Zev got to see the firetruck though!🙂

As for the Halloween costume, I am no help there. My kid wore his batman costume every weekend day for about two months last year. I am gearing up for the same this year!

Danielle
on October 31st, 2010

I locked my 3 month old sleeping baby in the car at a gas station while I was pumping gas. The fire truck came and they used a “slim jim” to open the car. I felt horrible and embarrassed. I was lucky as my infant slept through the entire thing and never knew what happened. I however lived with the guilt for a LONG time. It makes me feel SO much better that I am not the only mom that has done this….thank you so much for sharing your story! I would love to be part of a “mommy club” that included you!!

kari
on October 31st, 2010

I don’t usually comment on these things but as a working mom with a 4 month old and 3 year old…I know exactly what you are talking about. I am not so much the panicky type but most often the absent-minded mom that just can’t seem to get all my ducks in a row. My kid is always the really embarassed one walking into preschool at 845am even though ‘circle time’ began at 830am. Why can’t I get him there on time!?! I see the teachers just shake their heads in disappointment. Other moms call me “free-range” because I figure if my kid is sick they will let me know by crying, burning up or feeling lethargic…what do I need a fancy ear thermometer to tell me they are sick. Chin up! We are working super hard to be the best mom they know. I never stop telling them I LOVE them. who cares if I am that mom running through Target at 8am in my PJs trying to shop for his 11am Birthday Party. Not to mention the moms that can’t understand why I bought his birthday cupcakes instead of “making them with love”. Whatever?!? I don’t have time to bake…I’d rather be on the floor giggling with my kids as my youngest learns to crawl. I can’t do it all!

Melissa G
on October 31st, 2010

Marissa,

This happened to me when my oldest, Ashleigh, was about 2. It was in front of a store. I ran into the store to tell them to call 911. The police came & they called a tow truck for me. It then started pouring down rain. Here I am standing next to my daughter in the rain & she was perfectly fine. The tow truck finally came & got the door open with a slim jim for me so I could get my key, which was in the front seat. The police officer said I was very calm. Our daughter has special needs & I guess with everything we have had to go through with Ash helped me stay calm.

I think Zev will get tired of the Hulk costume & want to take it off. It took awhile to get my youngest (20 months old) to wear his costume (tenderheart bear), but he was happy to take it off since he was hot.

I think us as mothers make mistakes at sometime in our kids’ lives. Whether it be locking our child in the car or something else, but that doesn’t make us bad moms. Other moms shouldn’t judge us, but support us. Being a mom can be very stressful. With 3 kids, I can be stressed. Our oldest has spastic paraparesis, chronic leg pains, & back pain. I am always worrying about her.

I love that you have shared your journey to motherhood. My friend had a hysterectomy a few weeks ago.

Leah
on October 31st, 2010

Marissa I say let him rock the costume. He will get tired of it eventually and if he doesn’t…who cares. I know it is overwhelming to try and do everything “right” but, honestly, I think you are doing a great job. The advice from a mother of 8yr old twins…slow down. Stop trying to do the correct thing and just breathe. Enjoy all the small moments with Zev and to heck with everyone else. Let him dirty his clothes…jump in rain puddles…and wear pajamas while riding his bike (my son does:) He won’t remember what you wore when you dropped him off at school, only the fact that you were always there for him and with him. They really do grow so fast. I lost my job in July so am able to devote much more time with the twins. The other day my daughter was holding my hand as we walked to the car and she told me she is glad I don’t have a job. Time is short Marissa…enjoy Zev and forget those bully women. Surround yourself with loving supportive friends. Those are the mommy influences that are best.

PS. Keep up the great work on the Talk. Wish you were on their more!

Rose
on October 31st, 2010

@Molly: No Molly, you’re the one who is behaving like a bully. The other posters that you mentioned stated in a polite, thoughtful manner why they disagreed with Marissa. You and a few other posters responded with insults, rudeness, personal attacks and lectures. You’re the bully. You’re the one who is behaving in a judgemental manner.

You stated in your post that bullying is when someone tries to destroy another person. You have absolutely no idea if those women tried to destroy Marissa with their comments, and the fact that you keep insisting that they did without any real knowledge of those people’s motives demonstrates just how judgemental you are.

It’s deeply sad to me that you can’t handle someone disagreeing with you without labeling them a bully. That’s further proof of how judgemental you are. And for the record, I’m not trying to change your mind, I’m completely comfortable with the idea of you not agreeing with me. I simply refuse to back down to bullies like you.

S Miller
on November 1st, 2010

Oh good grief stfu already to Rose and Lauren and the other snarky witches that wanted to make everyone else feel like crap over this blog, it just keeps going in circles at the nasty insults. Grow up and stop trying to impose your ideas or thoughts onto others because you think you have all the insight and answers. The poor girl wrote this blog with honesty and opened herself up to all the bullcrap that is being said back and forth. She gave her story and it has been turned inside out by us all.

Ms. Winokur, I am truly sorry that there were a select few that helped you prove your statements about rudeness among mothers. molly, you rock and won the battle hon, looks like miss Rose has a few ‘thorns’ and wanted to make someone bleed. Don’t bother with a retort lil Rose, I’m done with this blog. Ms. Winokur you keep rocking your status as a new mom and just tell the rude b!t@hes you may come into contact with in the future they can kiss your butt. I’ve done it a few times and the look I get is priceless. lmao

Cristina
on November 1st, 2010

I totally get what you mean. Living in DC and the mommy’s are really snobby here, and trying to make mommy friends here has not worked out. I’m still trying and letting people’s comments roll off. I can’t even tell you how many times I have joined mommy groups and feel like the odd man out. I think women are jealous and competitive for no reason. I think that they must be really insecure to do that to other mom’s. My best advice with dealing with other mom’s is don’t deal with them and move-on. One day you will find that mommy group that is supportive, fun, and not take yourself so seriously kind of group. You are not alone and I love your blog.

Janice
on November 1st, 2010

You are great and this mommy thing is hard, we all need to be in it together.

Rose
on November 1st, 2010

@SMiller: Somehow I doubt you are done with this blog. And no you don’t get to decide whether I’m allowed to respond to you or not.

It’s almost getting amusing to see what has happened on this blog as a whole lately. There are a few people who disagree with the celebrity in question, they express and simply sat that they disagree. And then a bunch of self-rightous posters who don’t think anyone who disagrees with them has no right to express their opinions, verbally attacks those posters. The so-called nice ones who are lecturing others about how they shouldn’t judge write posts that are filled with venom, insults and some of the rudest comments I’ve seen on this blog, all the while putting themselves up on a pedastal and claiming to be the nice ones. Just go back and look at your post SMiller, and the same could be said for Molly and look at all the hostile insults you have included in your posts. I challenge you to find anyone in this entire thread who has hurled as many insults and personal attacks at other people as you or Molly have. The two of you are just mad because someone dared to stand up to you and point out that you’re being meaner than the people that you’re accusing of people mean.

Lindsay
on November 1st, 2010

I have never commented on an article before but as a new mother of an 8-month-old trying to adapt to this “mommy world” I feel compelled to write.

Marissa, I hope that after reading all of these comments you will read your blog again and see your own judgment throughout. Have you ever considered that you are on the outside of your quote unquote “mom club” because YOU are JUDGING them in their “skinny jeans” and assuming that you don’t fit in. It sounds like you have made your own clear judgments of other moms before you even get the chance to know them. Did you ever think that possibly the reason other moms didn’t come running over to you at the time to share their own lock-the-kids-in-the-car stories is because you were (understandably) hysterical – not because you were wearing “leggings and a tank top”?!

That said, I completely understand your intentions in writing this blog. I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed. To all the moms: Just remember that we have ALL – including the moms in skinny jeans! – felt judged by other moms for some reason or another. If you are a mom who is blind enough to think that you haven’t laid judgment on others as well (intentionally or not), then maybe it’s time to take a step back, and the next time we are all in a “mom club” situation perhaps we can stop thinking about who’s wearing what, who drives a minivan and who breastfeeds and focus on the thing that we DO have in common – OUR CHILDREN! Don’t we owe it to them?

Rebecca
on November 1st, 2010

I was bullied in school and haven’t found the mommy thing even remotely like school. No comparison. Yes, many are pretty b*tchy, but that’s just women. I feel a bit offended that you would use the term “bully” to describe the preschool kid Moms. It’s like people that fling around the words “I’m OCD” or “that’s racist”. Don’t fling words like that around to describe something that doesn’t even resemble that problem. It’s not bullying and you have obviously never been bullied. My advice for you is to surround yourself with people that are supportive. Don’t go into these large groups of women and instead find one or two that you want to spend time with. I would have probably sat back and stared, too, when you locked your son in the car. I wouldn’t have done it because I was mean, but I probably wouldn’t have known how to react to your panic. Your kid is old enough to be in preschool and he doesn’t know how to open the car door or get himself into and out of a car seat? I would have panicked with you if the weather was hot or if your son was sick, but it doesn’t sound like a panic worthy moment. Get a grip.

Lauren
on November 1st, 2010

Thanks for your comments, Rose. I agree with you 100% and wasn’t going to bother commenting again, but feel the need to add to what you said. I expected the usual defensiveness and whining from readers who take any constructive criticism as a personal attack. What I didn’t expect were the outright attempts to flip peoples’ (not just my own) perfectly reasonable comments into “bullying attempts” and be called a witch, bitch and told to shut the f*** up. This is common behavior with bullies-they take people who are comfortable with themselves and have no need to use such words to get their points across and try to attack them out of insecurity on their own behalf.

Still, this is the sort of thing one expects from middle school girls-not apparently grown women/mothers/grandmothers. I know children who are more mature and better at “using their words” than several posters here. The total lack of maturity was funny for awhile. Now it’s just a joke. It’s a joke that someone could take a few perfectly legitimate comments and publicly twist them into something they’re not thinking that this behavior makes any logical sense. It’s the sign of someone who is mentally unwell, and in the case of S. Miller, I genuinely hope that she seeks help for her instability and that she puts her money where her mouth is and doesn’t hang around here long enough to attack anyone else.

All of this goes back to my original point about Marissa’s post-it is NEVER okay to pin your own personal insecurities on someone else simply because they are or appear to be confident and comfortable with themselves. Period. It’s par for the course on this site and has been absurd forever, but in the age where legitimate bullying and physical/mental torture has children and adults killing themselves out of anguish and desperation, accusing people who like to dress well, don’t know how to respond to a barefoot woman crying and screaming to break her car window, and try to offer constructive criticism of how to look at situation from another perspective of being in the same category as people who cause physical and mental abuse is nothing short of vile.

If my earlier post caused Marissa to at least re-evaluate her behavior, then writing was worth everything that followed it.

In the meantime, I am genuinely sad at the direction these comments took. Bullying is a legitimate social concern that we should all try to fight. But in order to do so, we need to all acknowledge what bullying is and is not, learn to deal with our own insecurities personally, instead of using them as justification to judge anyone different from ourselves, and GROW UP.

Joy
on November 1st, 2010

Been there… know those Moms. I spent the first few years of my daughter’s life trying to get in with the local “cool” Moms. I felt isolated and like I was somehow less of a mother than any of them were. I was the only one who worked full time and always felt pulled in a million directions. I felt like I never made the right choice. When I finally made the conscious decision to leave them and stop comparing myself to them…. things got so much better. OK, so I’m not 110lbs soaking wet in my perfect skinny jeans. So I don’t shun all sugar and buy 100% organic everything and make a homemade meal from scratch every single night. I work hard, give my daughter a well rounded, full life that is exciting and educational for her. She is a delightful, sweet child and thriving. And I no longer feel the need to apologize for my choices or decisions. How freeing is that. So thanks for putting into words what I’ve felt a million times. I’m sorry I wasn’t in that parking lot to give you a tissue and hold your hand until the hot firemen arrived.

Lilianne
on November 1st, 2010

I have to add my opinion into the mix here. I agree with what Lauren said and don’t feel she was out of line with anything she said. She wasn’t mean or snarky or hateful. Sometimes people don’t like being reminded that they are doing the very things they criticize others for. I

also agree that Moms need to help each other and give advice when necessary but that doesn’t mean we should support someone if we feel their behavior is out of line or questionable. Being supportive doesn’t mean your brain falls out of your head and you blindly agree with everything someone else does.

I have a feeling that Marissa does a lot of saying whatever thing comes into her head and then has to spend some time later on pulling her foot out of her mouth? I only say that based upon reading this blog. For example, “the hot fireman made us both feel better”. That was probably supposed to be funny but felt a little inappropriate to me given the situation.

I think that it was probably rude of her to expect other parents to just be understanding and patient that she was blocking a parking space with her open door while she put her son’s shoes on him (that should have already been on him in the first place). And if she was behaving as hysterically as she herself describes then can it be any wonder why people were looking at her strangely? I doubt they were judging her for locking her son in the car (which was an accident) but were probably thinking she should calm down and take a breath. Kids look to their parents for guidance and she should have been calm and collected at least outwardly. If she had been, maybe her son would have been too.

Alexandra
on November 1st, 2010

Umm, let me get this straight: I drop my kid off at school wearing something remotely presentable and don’t run over to a crying, hysterical woman to reminisce with her about my been there, done that moment, so clearly I am a “scary mom bully”! Can someone say paranoid??

Thank you Lauren, Rose and others for stating the obvious. Guess I will see you this week at our snooty mom club, where we will all wear our white button-downs and practice giving dirty looks to moms in sweatsuits. Lol! Get a grip Marissa.

NoAdditives
on November 1st, 2010

I think we all have moments where we’re judgmental, even if we don’t mean to. That said, in moments of great stress or crisis we should all step up and do what we can to help someone in need. Whether we want to admit it or not, we’ve all had our moments.

Last weekend was my daughter’s second birthday and we took her to the zoo. We had stopped at a cafe in the zoo to get a drink (it’s incredibly arid and hot in Albuquerque, even now that it’s November!). As we were leaving through the outdoor seating area we passed a little boy and his parents. His mom was saying that she’d left the bag with diapers back in the car and her son needed a change. Her husband wasn’t being terribly helpful and I heard her say that she’d go all the way out to the parking lot to get it.

Since her son was close to my daughter’s age I asked what size diaper she needed. She needed a size smaller than the ones I had, but I offered it to her anyway. She was surprised that I would do that, maybe because I’ve got two kids in diapers? But she was very grateful anyway. And my husband just smiled appreciatively at my generosity.

But I didn’t think it was a big deal at all. How many times have I left the house without diapers, only to have one or both of my kids leak through? How many times have I forgotten a bottle or formula? Or a change of clothes? Too many!! And I would have given just about anything to have whatever it was I needed.

I wish more moms acted that way. We’ve all been in tight spots, it would be great if we acted with more compassion toward other moms, instead of seeing it as a competition to be the best. Being a parent is difficult and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. We all try our best, but none of us are perfect. Since we all make mistakes we should just try to give as much help and advice as we can, and we should take that help and advice when it’s offered!

And Marissa, don’t worry. I’m a stay at home mom and I spend my days in work out clothes too. My hair is almost always a mess pulled back into a ponytail and I only do makeup if other people will see me. But I don’t care and I’m not embarrassed. My kids don’t care if I’m all put together, they just care that I love them. And I know the same is true for Zev! I just think that the time I don’t spend on my hair or makeup is time I’m spending with my kids and that in the end, that’s what’s most important. I suppose I could shower more than once or twice a week though! It’s just hard to find the time, as I’m sure you know.

Pam
on November 1st, 2010

I say enjoy Thanksgiving with the Hulk and be sure to take lots of pictures. There will come a day – way too soon – that he will be a big boy too cool to dress up in costumes. Looking back at pictures of your little Hulk will become priceless memories. They grow up WAY too fast!

anna
on November 1st, 2010

I was in a moms club years ago and boy do the mom’s judge. Everything from my clothes, to my car to what I feed my kids to my kids being too hyper. It was awful. I just want to say, Marissa you are judging other mom’s as well. The mom who came over to help you calm down and you judged her as trying to get a better look. Try not to be so judgmental yourself and it will help. I did.

Jenn
on November 1st, 2010

Marisa — I feel your pain! My husband is in the Air Force and we move continually. Since my oldest daughter was born – she’ll be 5 in two weeks — we’ve lived in three locations, one was overseas. Preschool was a way for me to get her some sort of normalcy wherever it is we moved and a chance to meet other little ones her age and play. As many of your out there know, our little ones can get sick of us REALLY quick!

I grew up in a military family, so I’m used to being the “new kid.” I smile a great deal and try to be friendly to hide my nerves and fears as much as possible. Moving to a new country for high school and not knowing ANYONE was easy compared to the moms I encountered. I thought moms were supposed to be there for each other and help each other out, but I just felt this competitive vibe coming off. It was like a bad version of “Mean Girls”! I let it get to me for a while. It bothered me so much….I would literally run my daughter into school and run out, desperately trying to avoid eye-contact and be as invisible as possible. Then I noticed a change in my daughter — she was avoiding smiling at people in the hall and not as friendly as she had always been.

I realized I was being a bad example for her. I want to raise strong, independent, self-assured, confident women — I wasn’t giving her an example of that. So, I reverted to my old ways: I smiled, I greeted everyone, I praised the cute little ones, and well, it made life so much easier. When there was a new mom, I was one of the first to greet her and introduce her around.

As we’ve transitioned to Kindergarten (AUGH!), I see the same things happening. However, this time, I’m not letting it get to me. My daughters are incredibly sweet and loving, they give hugs and love freely, show lots of concern and empathy when warranted, they are happy and smiley. The other moms have commented how sweet and loving my girls are and lamented that their children aren’t like that with anyone outside their “social circle”. I smile and nod sympathetically, but inside, I know the real reason: you teach by example. These little people are sponges and look to us to see how to behave and react; it’s up to us to provide the cues.

I’m still intimidated by the shiny hair, skinny jeans, and inexplicably clean vehicles, but I just don’t let it get to me. I live in my baseball cap, workout clothes, and dusty van, I do secretly wish I could get it together on the same level these moms can, but then again, I know I’m setting a good example for my girls. Your outer appearance shouldn’t be what you are judged on, and it’s okay not to be perfectly put together at all times, just be the person you are on the inside, that’s all that matters. Being comfortable in your skin and putting out a good vibe in what matters.

However, it is nice to have someone tell you (lovingly) that you have a Cheerio in your hair or chalk on your booty. And if nothing else, it’s a GREAT conversation starter!

Serp
on November 1st, 2010

Wow! Lots of great comments! Don’t let those Mommy Bullies get you down. It’s not worth it! You are a pretty, talented, great Mom. You do not need to get involved in the Mommy Club–you don’t WANT to be one of them.

I am really sorry that happened to you. Keep your chin up and keep doing a great job with your little boy.
🙂

Cheryl
on November 1st, 2010

About that costume….

My daughter loved her costume when she was younger and wouldn’t take it off. I had the same fear you have…how can I celebrate Thanksgiving with my daughter dressed as the Pink Power Ranger?

So I did what every mommy does…I asked for advice from the Mommy Club..they just laughed but I found the answer. My daughter and I were shopping at our local “big name” store and she found some pj’s that she really liked. I traded her for them. She got the pj’s and I got the costume. She was very logical about it..I was scared she would turn me down.

Now a Grandmother but still proud of my non-Mommy Club

Not a perfect mom
on November 1st, 2010

Marissa ~ No mommy is perfect. Bless you for striving for it and being woman enough to admit when you make mistakes. You are a wonderful example for us all.

@ Kate ~ you’re a jack ass.

madylane
on November 1st, 2010

Marissa,
1) I love your son’s name. Just had to mention that🙂

2) I haven’t read anything anyone else has said so I am sorry if I repeat other comments already made.

3) I agree whole-heartedly that parents who judge raise kids who judge. I was bullied at school growing up. I was never the bully. I’ve thought long and hard about why that was and I think that it comes back to the home. I never bullied because my mother simply would never have allowed it, EVER. I was raised in a multi-cultural family in a large city by a single mom. Race, “handicaps”, features on the people around us were not what I was taught to look at but rather, at who they were, their heart. God bless my mom for that gift. I hope I manage the same one day.

Well meaning parents who think they would never raise a bully do because all bullying does somehow come back to the home. Kids do what they see. You are right, the mommy that stayed with you has the sweetest daughter for a reason, she models it at home.

I won’t read what people say in response to my writing because I am sure many will disagree vehemently and I’d rather not allow that negativity in my life. It is not the opposing views I don’t like but rather the bashing that can happen when others don’t agree with you.

4) I hope in the future your fellow Moms will support you regardless of their opinions.

5) Know that Zev having a Mom who doesn’t see differences means he too will be a sweetie just like you🙂

Not Perfect
on November 1st, 2010

I hear ya sister! I had the Juicy Couture moms at the bus stip who took one look at my suit and started eye bashing me. Of course they had the good “manners” to whisper about the fact that I work outside of the home and not talk loud enough for me to hear. Women are unforgiving and if you aren’t doing it just like them you suck. I was disappointed to find that the mommy club was closed more often then open. Judgmental and intolerant mommies tended to be the rule, not the exception. None of these women are perfect mothers but you better not be flawed or they won’t even look at you except to roll their eyes at your incompetence. So, I stopped worrying about them and I focused on my family. What my kid, husband and MOTHER think of my parenting is WAY more important than what the Juicy moms think. Truth is I think they suck too, so I guess i’m no better than they are. Difference is I would never let them know what I think of them but they have NO problem letting us know. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter because i’m not accountable to them and i’m never going to be perfect…and neither are they.

Linda Pauley
on November 1st, 2010

Marissa,
Don’t beat yourself up about accidentally locking your son in the car. It happens to most of us. But if it were to happen again, please try to remain calm. If you don’t freak out, your child won’t freak out and cry. When I accidentally locked my 2-year-old in the car with my keys AND cell phone in a HUGE store parking lot……I calmly played peek-a-boo with her through the car window until someone walked by and I asked if they could make a few phone calls for me on their cell phone. (911 and my husband) Even though I was FREAKING out on the inside, I kept it together on the OUTSIDE……my daughter never shed a tear, she just thought I was playing a great game with her and my new hunky friend, Mr. Fireman! *chuckle*
==============================================
Ignore the judgmental mommies. They’re a dime a dozen. Just focus on the one whose judgement counts……your son…..and I bet he thinks you’re a terrific mommy. Also, don’t become a judgmental mommy yourself. Maybe the perfectionist mom in skinny jeans is the one suffering. I know a woman like that. Her husband is the most demanding bully I know and he makes her feel less than human every day……even though she tries so hard to live up to his unrealistic perfect expectations.
=============================================
Let him play in his costume at home all he wants. But make it a rule that he has to change into his “real” clothes when he goes to school or out running errands with you. Have a nice day and keep up the good work.

Marie
on November 1st, 2010

Marissa – As others have already stated…been there done that. I locked my son in the car at the grocery when he was 2 years old. Unfortunately my 6 year-old daughter was not with me or she could have unlocked the door. I was leaving the store, opened his door and buckled him seat, shut his door with my purse and keys inside, walked around to the back, put the groceries in shut the door and then realized I was locked out. A very nice woman pulled into the space across from mine and asked me if I locked my child in the car because she saw me standing outside and a balloon bobbing up and down on the inside. She let me borrow her cell phone, mine was in the van, and I called my father-in-law who lives nearby to go to my house and bring the spare set of keys.

I must say I never lost my cool because I was afraid my son would start crying and I would not be able to hold, although inside I was terrified. I was utterly amazed at how many men walked past me to go into the store and came back out and I was still standing outside my van making funny faces and talking to my son so he would remain calm, and not one of them offered any shred of help. The woman who loaned me her cell phone though, asked my if I needed to borrow it again on her way out of the store. I was very thankful to her because I did not want to leave my son and run back into the store to find help for fear someone would break a window and drive off with him in it.

Ever since then I double and triple check every time I exit my van to make sure I have my keys.

You will make even more mistatkes as you go through the process of child rearing, although scary and terrifying at the time, you will laugh about them year later.

Good luck to you and I look forward to your next blog!

Connie
on November 1st, 2010

You are awesome! Your description of yourself in your morning-after wear was hilarious and too true for most of us!

I will share 2 stories:

Once, while standing in line at a grocery store, I had to keep pulling my daughter away from the magazine/candy area. I would grab her jacket, pull her towards me and say, “Please stop leaving my side. There’s nothing over there that you need or that I can afford.” Naturally, she kept doing it. After about the 5th time, I turned around and saw that she was missing so I reached over and yanked on her jacket to pull her back and said in my evilest scary mother tone, Ï SAID don’t go over there!” To my utter horror, I had grabbed another person’s child in error. I wanted to melt into the floor! The only consolation was that the other mother was as frazzled as I was and joked that she probably would have grabbed mine soon for the same reason!

Another time, when my daughter was 9, she had an eye doctor’s appointment and I was picking her up from the babysitter’s after work to go straight over. She came running down to the car and hopped in with a gleeful smile. She was wearing (and I swear this is true!) a pair of soccer cleats (with no soccer game in sight), a huge blanket poncho with Girl Guide badges all over it (with no potential for camping any time soon), shorts, a t-shirt and, naturally, a tiara. We didn’t have time to go back inside for her to change so we had to go as-is! When we arrived at the doctor’s office, she casually asked where she could hang her poncho. I thought the receptionist was going to faint! Now, at 18, she’s registering for fashion school in the fall. I learned to just let her wear the things that make her happy…otherwise, it’s a pointless fight over something that will just be a funny story later on!

Love your blog. You make me smile. You survived cancer…you can survive motherhood!🙂

Monica
on November 1st, 2010

Yes, I have forgotten to buckle my kids into their car seats. It’s not until I went to get my daughter out of the car when we got home (thankfully safely!) that I realized, oops, she wasn’t buckled in. My husband and I even did it when we were together. It was one of those, “I thought you did it.” moments. I have my 3 year old trained to get into her carseat and buckle the top buckle herself and have forgotten so many times to go back and buckle the bottom in. Luckily she is old enough to remind me before we drive off. Can’t say I’ve locked them in the car but wouldn’t be surprised if I ever do. I purposefully double check to make sure all doors are unlocked before I get out of the car and my car won’t let me lock the doors if any of them are open. Learned that the hard way locking myself out years ago.

Molly- I made a statement and you called me names completely unprovoked. I’m not an expert but I do believe name calling is one of the trademarks of a bully.

Molly
on November 2nd, 2010

Ah Lllianne another mommy bully. You probably bullied kids at school when you were younger. You owe Marissa an apology but I doubt you will do it because that would take maturity and class

Caroline
on November 2nd, 2010

I’m a single woman (no children) reading Marissa’s blog out of curiosity.

From another perspective…. I’m a 37 (not 22!) year old professional in NYC who is constantly pursued by married fathers who work in the city but reside in NY, CT, NJ. It’s my choice to be single and I’m definitely not interested in being a mistress or homewrecker and find it very annoying that it happens so often.

It’s come to a point where I’ve started asking them why they’re on the “prowl”. Most of them answer that their wife has let herself go or doesn’t have time for them (to effectively satisfy BOTH their physical and mental needs).

With all of this talk about sweat pants, vomit, boogers and dirty hair-maybe the kids don’t care but the husbands do. In the end, maybe its best to find a middle ground when it comes “dirty” mom and “skinny jeans” mom. One less man on the prowl is best for everyone (especially the kids). Sincerely consider this- it seems that some of you care too much about your outward appearance at school when maybe what’s more important is how you look in your own home and not taking that for granted.

Emily
on November 2nd, 2010

You know… I think one of the biggest things moms forget is to support one another. There are many RIGHT WAYS to do most things. Each to their own style. Meanwhile – I have locked my son in the car in a mall parking lot, in Texas. Thank God a stranger calmed me and talked him to the button to push to unlock from the inside. I just want to caution that in a way, deciding what others are thinking is judging. Sure – you may be right. Me, I’d have helped you or freaked out with you.. cried with you. But not everyone is like that, and that doesn’t make them mean/bullying mommies. I’m just sayin!

And listen, if you end up eating Thanksgiving with the Hulk – just remember, worse things have happened.

Blessings to you and your family!

Lori
on November 2nd, 2010

Not a perfect mom:

Real nice response to Kate’s comment. When you lack the ability to form a coherent argument, just hurl profane insults! You are exhibiting bullying behavior.

I felt the same thing as Lauren, Kate, Rose and others when I read this blog post. I didn’t see the bullying. I saw Marissa behaving somewhat rudely and projecting her own insecurities on others.

Yeah all of us moms have had these ‘mommy-moments’ and can sympathize but I got the impression that Marissa was judgmental and paranoid.

Having been actually bullied myself (you know – not just in my own mind), I disagree with the use of the word ‘bully’ in this post.

You know if living in workout clothes, a ponytail and no make-up floats Marissa’s boat AND SHE’S SECURE WITH THAT then she shouldn’t even be projecting that other moms are passing judgement on her for looking like a slob. If she was secure, it wouldn’t phase her.

Since it bothers her, she should take more time with her appearance. 10 minutes to put some lipstick and mascara on and a cute little hat over her abundance of gorgeous hair and a fluffy sweater to throw on over leggings is not depriving her kid. Nor does the fact that other moms take more time with their appearance make them bad moms.

She strikes me as a disorganized type (I could be wrong). But my best-friend and I can rush out of our respective houses in 5 minutes or less without feeling like total slobs because we generally keep our make-up and accessories organized (or at least always in the same place).

We also tend to think about what we’re doing the next day and make sure appropriate clothes are handy for specific functions. In the same day I’ll possibly be home-schooling my kids, chopping wood, running errands (bank, post office, groceries)going for a jog, studying, cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, visiting a sick friend and wasting time on the Internet😉. This requires some organization as I’ll have to change my clothes possibly 3 or 4 times in a day.

My BFF and I were comparing our similarities that way because we each have siblings that take forever to get ready but REFUSE to leave the house without being totally ready. Very frustrating if you have to do something with them.

Anyways my point is that good organizational skills would help her with looking appropriate so that Marissa would be more secure and not feel that everyone is judging her.

Kate
on November 2nd, 2010

“Your blog really irked me and its not because you locked your son in the car, that can happen to anyone, its how you reacted and how you were to others and quick to judge them.”

Perfect summary!!!

Chris
on November 2nd, 2010

LOLOL–They’re the MOMMY MAFIA!!! I know who they are and I feel sorry for them because they must be under so much pressure to present the image they do. They’re in my town too, but the longer I live here the more I realize that one of them is an alcoholic, one of them is about to be foreclosed on, one of them has a cheating husband, and so on. It’s just an image, that’s all. It has nothing to do with the kind of moms or people they are. If locking your kid in the car is the worst thing you do as a mom, then you’re doing great.

Suze
on November 2nd, 2010

LOL…I call those “mean moms” the “Mominators”

Every town has them. Trust me…they’re not “cool”.

Rose
on November 2nd, 2010

@Molly: I see you’ve changed your mind about being done with this thread and have decided now to verbally attack another poster.

People keep pointing out that you’re the one who is behaving like a bully and instead of finding a mature way to respond to those people and explain why they’re wrong, you keep proving them right by verbally attacking someone else.

I have yet to hear an explanation from your, or other any of the other women who have been hurling personal insults and rudeness at other people, as to why it’s wrong for Lauren, Kate and the other people who disagree with Marissa to politely state that they disagree. And I have yet to hear an explanation for why it’s okay for your and S.Miller to call other women names, to tell them to shut the f#@k up, to call them immature, to call them heartless etc.

So let me get this straight, in your mind saying “Marissa I don’t agree with you and here’s why” = bullying, but calling other women heartless and immature and telling them to shut up is okay. If that’s true then I truly feel sad for you.

Kristin
on November 2nd, 2010

Molly, you need to back off. You remind me very much of a commenter “Lee” who used to post here. In fact, I think you’re the same person posting under a different name. Same tone. Please knock it off.

Kate
on November 2nd, 2010

So all the women who wear sweat pants and dont comb their hair are doing so because they are spending so much extra time with their kids? Riiiiiiiiight.

NoAdditives
on November 2nd, 2010

I posted the other day but didn’t have time to read any of the other comments. Now that I have a few minutes I must say, I’m a little surprised. To see that so many parents have locked their children in the car scares me. It’s one of those things, like forgetting your child is in the car, that is just unfathomable to me. Maybe it’s because I locked my keys in the car several times when I had my first car, maybe it’s because my last two cars have been German and have the safety precaution of making me lock the car from the outside, maybe it’s because I’m a stay at home mom and can always take my time with things, I don’t know. But locking my kids in the car is just one of those things that I can’t see myself doing, ever. My car key immediately goes in my pocket or my purse, which always stays outside the car. And whenever I’m with my kids I make sure I take my time.

I think sometimes we as Americans get too caught up in our jobs and desire for money. We don’t have time to spare because we can’t be late for work or because we’re rushing home from work in the hope that we’ll get a few more minutes with our kids. Somewhere along the line we all bought into the myth that “time is money”. But that’s not how most of us actually view time. For most of us, time is a baby’s first steps, a child’s smile, a family dinner. Yet most people are still slaves to the almighty dollar and it takes precedence over everything else in our lives.

I think that if we reevaluated our priorities we could avoid accidents like locking kids in the car or forgetting to pick them up from day care. If people stopped valuing material possessions so much I bet more families would be able to have a stay at home parent. If people didn’t need two brand new cars, such a big house, the biggest, newest TV, etc. there would be plenty of families that could get by on just one income. Our consumerist society is detrimental to our families and our children.

Lilianne
on November 2nd, 2010

Definition of a bully: a blustering, browbeating person; especially : one who is habitually cruel to others who are weaker. Definition of blustering: to talk or act with noisy swaggering threats. Definition of browbeating: to intimidate or disconcert by a stern manner or arrogant speech. So, in short, a bully is someone who speaks arrogantly and loudly and tries to bring others around to their way of thinking with threats and intimidation and/or who is also cruel (verbally or physically) to those who are weaker than they.

You might be wondering..why the vocabulary lesson? The answer is a simple one. If you are going to call someone a name or slap a label on them then you should be very clear about exactly what you are saying.

I thought about posting this big long, involved comment but frankly don’t have the time or energy to do so and I doubt any of you really want to read a book anyway. 🙂 I only want to say that this blog used to be a fun place to visit to get updates about cute celebrity babies and their parents. It was heavily moderated and it was clear that abusive language and inappropriate comments would not be tolerated. I don’t know what happened to it but that level of moderation no longer exists. I don’t know why some feel like they have to comment rudely to other posters when they don’t agree with something they say? I am just as entitled to have my opinion as anyone else is..even if it doesn’t match up with theirs and I don’t feel I should be jumped on for having it.

On a side note..and directly relating to Marissa’s question about the Halloween costume…I wasn’t going to but I will weigh in on the issue. So here goes. I have a unique perspective on this issue because I run a daycare in my home and deal with young children every day. My little ones are currently napping. I had a young man (now in 2nd grade) who I cared for from age 3 until he went to kindergarten. There were many days his mother would bring him to me in his favorite costume (Batman, Superman, etc.) She would allow this because she simply didn’t want to fight with him in the morning about it. So it was easier to give in and let him do what he wanted.

So let’s fast forward to today..she now has a nearly daily battle with this boy regarding what he can and cannot wear to school. He wanted to wear those same costumes his kindergarten year and wanted to wear 7 t-shirts one on top of the other his 1st grade year. You name it..he wants to wear it/do it. So..to my point. Letting your little one wear anything he wants any time he wants to can and usually does lead to future battles down the road. And a 7 year old wanting to wear winter boots to school in August isn’t nearly as sweet and adorable as a 3 year old. It is ok and even beneficial to set limits. Saying yes all the time doesn’t really teach kids what life is really like. 🙂

Lilianne
on November 2nd, 2010

I wanted to add that I said I didn’t want to write a book and it looks like I did anyway! I guess I had more to say than I originally thought.

mochababe73
on November 2nd, 2010

I can’t say that I know how you feel because this has never happened to me. But, I will say that you should have just made the other mother wait. However…that’s just my personality. I wouldn’t have cared if the other woman was late.
About the costume, just wash it (hang to dry) and let him wear it. My now 12 year old wore his batman costume, he was 3 I think, on Christmas day. My husband put his foot down about church. No costume at church.

Anne
on November 2nd, 2010

It’s nice to hear a celebrity acknowledge the elite “moms club”– kudos to the woman who sat with her to calm down at the school.

momof4
on November 2nd, 2010

Wow, Molly you are one nasty and insecure little monster. Your comments should be blocked.

JB
on November 2nd, 2010

Ok, this may sound harsh, but I feel I must comment. I am a new mom (7 mo DS) and I love him more than anything. So if I were in that parking lot and saw your reaction, the first thing I would do would be to get my kid out of there before he became terrified and/or upset. Your reaction was overly dramatic and sounded a bit out of control. No wonder people were staring at you, they probably thought you were unbalanced.

I chalk it up to you being an actress (see, there are plenty of stereotypes to go around, not just the skinny jean moms), but you probably scared a couple of those other kids, never mind your own, with that reaction. I’m not sure I would get involved in a situation like that if I saw someone completely losing it – it can be very scary for a child to witness an adult having a meltdown of that magnitude. So, yes, some of those mom’s were probably judging you, but I think you might have deserved it this time around.

And just to be clear – I’m not criticizing your parenting, I’m criticizing your reaction as an adult woman. It’s a terrible thing to lock your child in the car, but you were in a crowded parking lot with plenty of resources minutes away to help remedy the situation. A tempered reaction would have ellicited much more empathy. I’d certainly be shaken up, and probably shed a tear or two, but a screaming, inconsollable meltdown from a stranger is too much. I wouldn’t have wanted to get involved.

rsh
on November 2nd, 2010

Why is she wearing what she wore to bed with makeup on from the night before? I can understand not getting much sleep when you have a newborn, but the boy is two, right?

I think her frantic, hysterical screaming is just over the top and more frightening to the child than being locked in the car. Parents can’t freak out every time there is an emergency. She is going to have to figure out how to act without overreacting. What is she going to do when he has the inevitable broken bones or cuts and scrapes? Her behavior just sounds bizarre but she thinks other moms are scary? She needs to get a grip. And her assertion that parents who are a little more together than she is must be bullies is just stupid. Perhaps she needs to look inward a bit. Or get a nanny.

Anonymous
on November 2nd, 2010

Love that it is from the heart….and yes I have been looked at strangely but those “cool” mommy clubs too. We will survive!

Lily's Mom
on November 3rd, 2010

Marissa,

PLEASE know you’re not alone!! I’m the mom of a one-year-old daughter named Lily and believe me, I feel judged constantly for everything I do! I had Lily at the same time my good friend had her little girl. We were great the first few months, very supportive of one another. Then she started making comments about the way I do things and there’s been a frosty rift ever since. I might be a tad overprotective of my daughter, but we almost lost her at birth, so I think I’m allowed. I’ve never brought up my friend’s parenting mishaps to her, so I kind of expected the same treatment in return.

As for the Mommy & Me classes, I took Lily a few weeks back to MyGym for a free trial session. As I’m taking Lily’s jacket off, I felt a hard object under her jeans – lo and behold, she stuffed a WEEBLE down her pants! (Apparently she finds it hard to part with them) Instead of joining in my laughter, the other moms rolled their eyes and gave me withering looks that said “You’re such a bad mom! How could you NOT know?” That’s the last class I’ll ever attend and I’m perfectly fine just hanging out with my girl and letting the other moms tear each other apart without my participation. Mommies are SO competitive and I’m done with the drama!

I wish you all the best with your little guy!! Sorry that happened to you and sorry that you had to deal with Mommy Meanies!! xx

amy
on November 3rd, 2010

At least she didn’t do it the on the occasion her child was first leaving the hospital after birth! Yep, hubby and I in our panic LOCKED our newborn in the car in the hospital parking lot. Luckily it was underground and the back window easily broken. Welcome to the world son! Your parents are IDIOTS~~!!

amy
on November 3rd, 2010

Wow. Just reading the comments that came before mine.

Not sure how you can handle such unwarranted HATE frankly.

Fuck them. Sad people sit at their computers critiquing the lives of others. Sad, sad people who have nothing better to do than spread hate.

Fuck them🙂

PACK OF PESKY PIXIES
on November 3rd, 2010

I am the Mommy of the Moms club group who constantly shares all the many embarrassing about our family. It made a big difference it went from some moms only telling stories of how perfect their kids/lives are

Emmy
on November 3rd, 2010

Rose, Lauren and Kate i agree with you all 100 per cent! You all expressed your opinion very eloquently, well done! Oh and yes you are all entitled to your opinion, without having some foul mouth women jump your throats for doing so!

jazzy
on November 3rd, 2010

WOW! I love reading everyone’s comments! So entertaining! Its amazing how quickly people can be transported back to high school!

Joanna
on November 3rd, 2010

As far as the other moms, I know that all too well. I work fulltime and have 4 kids from 14 to 20 months. I also was going to school on night s and Saturdays to get my RN. It was hard and never easy. I always signed up to help out at the school on commitees but they schedule all the meetings and things at 3 pm , well I can’t get there then I am at work. SO after 4 years of this I just stopped volunteering. There was just no point.

As far as the costume thing, My son has been Batman for 3 years. He always wears a cape around (exceot to school). Let him be him, we will look back and laugh at everything he did while he was dressed at Batman, plus when it is time for him to date we can pull all the pics out..LOL! Hang in there!

rsh
on November 3rd, 2010

Does anyone else think this whole scenario sounds suspiciously like the Modern Family episode where Cam and Mitchell lock Lily in the car and Mitchell calls for help and says “we locked our baby in the car and people are judging us!” and Cam tries to break the window with a trash can?? Maybe Marissa couldn’t think of anything interesting for her blog so she borrowed a little poetic license for dramatic effect? Otherwise, she is just out of her mind. I hope she made the whole thing up for her son’s sake. It would be a shame for her son to grow up hysterical just because mommy is a drama queen.

Mrs S
on November 3rd, 2010

Hmm. I remember my mom doing this to my lil brother. She stayed calm and so did my lil brother. I know its hard to control your emotions being a new mom but it is so important. Our children read us so well. I too don’t feel as put together as other moms. I work hard and long shifts so I can have a 4 day weekend. Most moms in my mom land don’t need to work or have live in nannies…..I would too if I had a spare room and more cash. Good luck to you!

Tracy
on November 3rd, 2010

Drama Queen! I agree with the other posts. Why are you still wearing the clothes you slept in? Make up still on from the night before? You have a 2 yr old. Yes I know 2 year olds still can be awake at night. It is your responsibility to keep calm and your son calm. Maybe the scene looked like a train wreck and others did not know how to respond to your ‘irrational’ behavior. If I saw a mom reacting that way in a non life threatening situation I would not let my 2 yr old son at her house alone. You scared your son.

I agree the driver that made you close your door was a b#$%!. I would have totally ignored her. I think you owe it to Zev to at least dress yourself and clean off yesterdays grime before you take him to school. I am glad you take better care of your son then you do yourself.

Guest
on November 3rd, 2010

Tip: get a copy of your DOOR key made, purchase a magnetic key lock box, put the door key copy in it and attach underneath your car (behind the back bumper works great).

I do this and if I ever lock my daughter in the car, I’d have a way to get her out.

And yes, I’ve had to use that key once when the doors somehow locked on me when I was getting gas. All I had to do was go underneath the car and grab the box. My daughter didn’t have a clue that she was locked in.

Terri
on November 3rd, 2010

Oh for crying out loud–EVERYBODY makes mistakes. Maybe not the SAME mistakes, but we all have our moments and those who are attempting to wrap their negativity and disapproval in a nice little gift box of “constructive criticism” should really get over it.

You have the benefit of being fairly anonymous, but if one of YOUR little faux pas was put under the public spotlight, you would see how quickly hypocrites just like yourselves would be oh so eagerly waiting to tear you down. I imagine it’s a special kind of hell to have people who don’t even know you making rude comments and scrutinizing every facet of your life just because they can.

Personally, I can’t imagine just standing on the sidelines while someone needs help but that’s just me. The truth is, people are becoming more and more self-absorbed and devoid of compassion for others, and fail to realize that what you put out there is what surrounds YOU.

To Marissa I say good luck, stay happy, and you are not alone! You look great and your son is quite the cutie.

Rose
on November 3rd, 2010

@Terri: Marissa had the benefit of this incident not ending up being publicly scrutinized as well. She chose to tell us this stuff – that’s the only reason why we know about this. If you choose to publicly tell people stories about your personal life then you’re choosing to open yourself up to criticism.

Erika
on November 3rd, 2010

I don’t have children yet, but I hate judgement on working moms. On this post, there hasn’t been too much debate over that, but I have seen others where working moms have been blasted. I can actually recall one comment that said something along the lines of ‘if a mother can’t be dedicated enough to stay home with her kids, she shouldn’t have children at all’.

Although I don’t have kids yet, it truly offends me, because my mother was (well still is- but her kids are out of the house) a working mother. And I truly could not have had a better childhood. When I was younger, my mother worked part time (full time once we were all in school), and my dad worked nights. We lived near both sets of grandparents. We lived in a very expensive part of the country and 1 income households were uncommon. I was never in daycare and always with a parent or grandparent. My mother was fortunate enough to be able to make her own schedule and make it pretty flexible and was there for everything. Every year she volunteered to be class parent for all of her children. She lead girl scout troops and taught Sunday school to us. She was at every sporting event, and if we took a class or something that parents didn’t stay for, she always arrived 15 minutes before pick up to watch us. The house was always clean and she made homemade meals every single night. I had one or two friends with stay at home moms and neither of their mothers did nearly as much as mine. She was truly the best mom ever! My mother worked harder than anyone else I know and it was because of her job that we could afford such luxuries as to go on vacations which created many memories and bonding. I never felt as though I didn’t see enough of my mother as she was always able to be there for us, even if she did work. If she had stayed home with us all the time, I don’t think it would have instilled such a strong work ethic in all of us and I don’t think I could have possibly had a better childhood even if she had stayed home. When I have children, I don’t know what I will do, but I think whether I stay home or work, there is still the potential to be an amazing mother and I don’t think stay at home mothers or working mothers are better than each other. It depends on the individual.

All that being said (and I apologize for my ‘world’s best mother essay’) Marissa does sound a little judgemental towards the other mothers. I obviously wasn’t there, but she did kind of create the situation herself.

Tifanee
on November 3rd, 2010

Remind yourself of how you want your son to treat others and behave, then model that behavior…don’t even get yourself bothered by what other Mommies or people might think of you. When people are bullies or being judgemental, the only thing you can change in those situations is your response to them. You are a Mommy and wear that hat proudly!

As a side note, when we are sad, our kids know that and in turn will behave the same way. When we act crazy when the newspaper was dumped in a puddle, our kids will also act crazy when their drawing gets wet. I know you were upset when the keys were locked in the door, but your son saw how upset you were and might model that behavior when he gets anxious or feel out of control. Keeping it cool will go a long way to being able to get your son to sleep by himself and for you to feel less mentally crowded and successful.

Good luck being a Mommy and we are here to help!

M
on November 4th, 2010

Wow it’s really easy to tell youre an actress. Take it easy with the bullying. Being bullied is a serious issue. It is torture. That hasnt happened to you.

You give them the power when you make it out that they are the ones who have to accept you. You obviously have nothing in common with them. Yes there is a snobby moms group but so what? I usually see this group and am polite but don’t really care to hang with them. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

I don’t value the same things. I will never understand why it is important to dress to the nines just to drop my kid off when I don’t work, or sit around talking about shopping and how much it sucks that neiman Marcus doesn’t have a good enough selection of clothes for toddlers. For me it’s just a waste of time. I’m sure these ladies would find me far too serious. I like to watch the news and current events. I don’t want to sit around and gossip about other mothers. While I like cute clothes I’m a regular middle class mom who finds it absurd to buy a $900dollar purse just to walk around and then have to sit around talking about how great it is.

Jenny
on November 4th, 2010

Marissa – I am a mother of 6 children ranging from 4 years to 14 years.

You have a beautiful son! a tip for the costume, welcome the Hulk for Thanksgiving! He is going to get so big, so fast, and you will wish one day that he would wear the Hulk costume again! don’t worry about what other people think. The only and most important thing is that your son is happy and healthy. Enjoy every minute, even the ones when you think you can take no more.

L
on November 4th, 2010

I know how you feel! I’m the mom that lives in jeans and a t-shirt (usually my husband’s) and my hair is forever in a ponytail. I’m lucky if I get three showers a week and I have been guilty of giving my son a biscuit and sippy cup and letting him run around instead of making him sit and eat his snack.(Some days it is just about survival!)

I have a friend who is so perfect! Her house looks like a showroom, her son is always dressed adorably, she lost the baby weight in a flash and she is always dressed simply, but, pulled together and cute. I wonder how we are friends sometimes!

But, in the end, I’d rather put my efforts toward making my son look cute, making sure the house isn’t a complete wreck and play time with him is more important than putting on make up. My son is friendly, independent, strong, helpful and most important healthy. I think that I’ve done my job.

You are a great mom, never doubt that! Reading your article made me feel so much less alone because I always feel like I’m the….real mom among the perfect ones.

AMEN!! I hate how Moms bully other Moms, it’s horrible and just plain rude. It starts from the second you get pregnant. Are you going to breast feed? Co-sleep? Cry it out? I mean geez, it’s just crazy and God forbid you don’t agree with what another Mom does.

I’ve seen it on these celebrity blogs time and time again. I’m amazed at how nasty people can be when someone isn’t doing it they way “THEY” think it should be done.

This was a really good blog.

Oh, and my son is STILL wearing his halloween costume and now we have 2 because we found a Transformer Bumblee-bee costume at a yard sale the day before Halloween. At any given moment I have Iron Man or Bumblee-bee running around my house, sometimes a mismatch of both. He’s a Gemini, what more can I say🙂

Alissa
on November 4th, 2010

I’m so tired of being judged every time I walk into my daughters’ schools. Is it because I’m not a size 4? Or perhaps because I’m a single mother? Who knows, who cares? I just learned to not even bother with all the school mommies! They make me feel bad because I can’t afford to buy organic except for a few choice items. They make me feel bad because I’VE cut my own hair for the last 2 years by myself because I couldn’t afford the time or money to spend on myself. And, they make me feel bad because I work full-time and can’t always be at school functions if they happen during the day. I always feel like I’m back in high school at my kids’ school functions, just waiting for the snide comments from the “cool” kids. I thought we were adults here?

I know where my real friends are – and it certainly isn’t in most of the snotty, phony moms at Braintree Public Schools. Certainly, there are a few exceptions to the rules on the snotty factor but very few I must say.

Robert
on November 4th, 2010

There really isn’t a club. And if there is, it’s more of a club of insecure women trying to top the other woman because she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But what she doesn’t know is that the perfect looking mommy on the other side of the fence is probably in the midst of getting a divorce or having to give their kid ritalin for adhd!

As a daddy who shares the duty of bringing my 4 year old daughter to pre-school, and taking my 2 year old son to music class, I see all the mommys. It may seem like high school or college with the clicks, but I noticed once you break their hard cover, or once you break your pre-conceived notion that the hot mommy is a bitch, that hot mommy may actually be the sweetest nicest person.

There are mommies (and daddies) who truly are nasty people, they do exist. Don’t worry about them–they probably have the kid who is the troublemaker, the slow one, the smelly one, or even worse…the ugly one.

Most parents are scared and guarded because they want their kids to be accepted. No one wants their kid to be the odd one left out, so parents overcompensate.

My advice is have fun with your kids, don’t worry about the snobby moms. Make friends with the nice kids and the nice parents. The nice ones really are easier to find.

Texas
on November 4th, 2010

I don’t think it was rude of the other mother to ask her to close her car door. Maybe she is the sole financial support for her family and she can’t be late for work. Maybe she had an appointment that she could not be late for. We don’t know what is going on in her life and it would not hurt you to sit inside the car and finish prepping for the day instead of blocking someone else’s exit.

Gyl
on November 4th, 2010

I found this blog so refreshing. Joined the mommy group 11 years ago and though there were some lovely women, I have to say it felt like high school. I watch women judge each other all the time in the supermarket or at the store when another mom is having a rough time. I often think it’s not possible that their kids never throw a tantrum so why the judgments? It is so sad that women cannot support each other. I was raised in another country where there was so much female bonding and they actually supported each other. So here’s hoping we can all reach out to other women and give a helping hand.

Laura
on November 4th, 2010

So I’m scrolling through reading some of the posts and I just keep seeing those same “bully moms” in some of them. They criticize you for blocking the other mom’s car. There are ways to ask nicely if you can close the door. If it was a, “Can you PLEASE close the door?” in a short way that’s not being polite, that’s being a bully. They criticize you for talking about “the hot firemen” making you feel better. They criticize you for YOUR feeling that the other moms were judging you.

Those perfect moms are the one’s who have their little angels scheduled within an inch of their lives and wouldn’t dream of doing anything off schedule. Don’t get involved with them or fall into the trap of thinking you have to be like them! Be an individual and raise a kind-hearted child who is secure in himself.

The Halloween costume. Gradually wean him off of it. It’s ok to wear it around the house or to daycare but not to the store. Just keep reducing how much he can wear it until it’s down to just during playtime. You’ll make great memories but it teaches him boundaries and rules. It’s ok to have rules without having too many rules. Keep being who you are and keep teaching your son to be kind to others.

Cynth
on November 5th, 2010

While I have not locked my child in the car I did once accidentally lock myself out of the house and my baby was in it. Talk about panic! My husband IS a firefighter so I ran next door and had them call. It has taken YEARS to live that one down!! Keep walking with your head high…it makes them all nervous!!

Lala
on November 5th, 2010

oh wow what a good blog, it has gotten a lot of responses!

let me say you are not alone in locking your kid in the car. i did it on a hot summer day. i finally took moms advice in not leaving the the keys in the ignition while i put my son in the car while leaving the driver side open. so the keys, my purse, and cell phone are sitting in the front passenger seat while i buckle him in. not just in a seat belt but a car seat that children can’t not get out of! some how when i was putting him in the car me or my son hit the lock button on the car. so i go to close the door and get in on my side. and bam when i go to open the door it’s locked, my baby is strapped in, purse, keys and cell phone all in the car.

i was like this can’t be happening. so i am trying to find a phone so i can call my mom who has the other key to my car. we tried putting the clicker up to the phone to unlock it and of course it didn’t work. i did tell you it was hot as heck in the summer right?? so my son is crying, snot everywhere, sweating like a mad man! so mom finally gets there unlocks the door and is looking at me like i did something wrong. i’m like really?? i get him out the car give him a shower to cool him off and try it all over again. this time doing it my usual way. driver side door wide open, key in the ignition and i even put the windows down for extra security.

moral of my story is go with your instincts. next time some crazy lady is rushing you let her know you where there first and you will be done when you are done. the best advice i ever give is to not take anyone’s advice. as moms we usually know what is best for us and what works for us. we are all different, we will all make mistakes and our kids will not like us all the time but the main thing is they forget the mistakes and will always remember that we love them and tried out best. children do not come with manuals and moms who pretend to know everything usually cry at night wondering how they are going to keep up the act of being perfect.

good luck to you in your journey. it will have ups and downs and days when you do actually snap! it would be great to have support form other moms but we have to live in the real world and not everyone gets along. and hey let him where the costume when ever he wants! he is a lil boy and will grow out of it. go and buy him more so he has variety!🙂

Michelle
on November 5th, 2010

I have a 4 YO son & 2 YO daughter & I know those moms & as hard as it is I’ve learned to ignore them🙂

Jerica
on November 5th, 2010

I can relate!! I have not done that, BUT I know when we go to a store, restaurant, anywhere in public and my daughter just does NOT want to listen to me at that paticular moment (she always picks the best ha) everyone STARES!!!!! They look at me like wow, you can’t control your kid?? No sometimes I can not ha, she has her own personality and I’m so glad because she is that way but a 2 yr old is a handful!!! So, I always feel SO bad when she gets mad won’t stop crying in public and the on-lookers make me feel like I have been the ONLY mom in the world to ever have an un-happy child!😦

BUT, I love being a mom though I get worn out I would not trade that for anything!!!🙂

You seem to be doing a good job!! And makes me feel better that I’m not the only one in the boat!!

Karisal
on November 5th, 2010

You rock, and this article is awesome!!! I don’t have time to read all the comments, but I sure hope folks were nice to you. It’s like you were speaking to me in this entry – from the judging mommies to being caught barefoot and thrown together in an effort to chauffer your child to preschool on time. 🙂 I promise, I would have been right there at your side… and NOT just for a closer look either.

I can’t tell you how to feel, but I can tell you that you are not alone. Hang in there, and keep doing what you are doing. Your son will most certainly benefit from having such a super mommy…🙂

Carrie
on November 5th, 2010

I love Marissa’s blog! We’re all in this together! It really takes a village to raise a child! You’re not experiencing anything someone else hasn’t already been through!

I totally get the “mommy bullies,” but you know what, I go in with my head held high knowing NO ONE is perfect and I’ve got two FABULOUS kids that love ME!! Plus, I’m having a little fun turning into my own mother and having that perspective on things.

Costume? I thought I gave birth to Spiderman 6 years ago!! He can’t decide he is Spidey or Indiana Jones! And frankly, he’s quite the public entertainer, so everyone, including myself, think he’s the cutest thing!

I will have to say that easiness has come with my son being my second child. With my daughter, who is finishing her last year in elementary school this year, I would have been mortified to let her leave the house without looking like a “perfect” little girl!

Someone else mentioned allowing your son’s personality to shine . . . I totally agree. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have tried so hard to be perfect with my daughter and let her be her own little person like I do now with my son. Live and learn!

And PS, my daughter is now an 11 year old trying to be a 25 year old; her own personality is right out there for the world to see, and as much as we butt heads from time to time, I wouldn’t have it any other way! The apple never falls too far from the tree!

Anonymous
on November 5th, 2010

Marissa —

Been there, done that. Oh, and when you drive your child somewhere looking your absolute worst and hoping for a quick drop off…well that is always when one of them will insist on talking to you.

On a more serious note, why not use your blog to teach mommies what they can do to help. I know you mentioned that none of the other moms tried to help, and I assume you don’t mean help with the car door (since most couldn’t help with that).

So, in these high stress scenarios, what can someone do to help.

I know sometimes I sit back and wonder what the heck to say or do to help the situation, and not that I am enjoying one’s predictament at all, but it’s awkward to see someone upset and not know if you should jump in or give her space, you know?

Great blog by the way.

p
on November 6th, 2010

thanks for articulating what many of us are thinking. i can relate to much of what you shared. at the same time, i also believe that it’s my job to notice where i’m making meaning/stories above & beyond what’s actually happening. not make myself wrong for making meaning, but just notice when & that i am.

in this case, the fact that no one was approaching/empathizing seemed to also imply that they were … uncooperative, uncollaborative, judgmental, elitist, or dismissive. truthfully, we don’t know that. they may be shy, fearful, socially unskilled, or intimidated by you. or they may be judgmental bitches. the truth is, there’s the reality & the story. it would do us well as mommies to separate out the two.

NoAdditives
on November 11th, 2010

Yikes. I cannot believe the harsh comments regarding the fact that she was still wearing her jammies and hadn’t washed her face. Not everyone has the time to take a shower every day or get all dressed up in the morning. Not everyone wants to take an hour or two to do something that’s fairly unnecessary when they could be enjoying breakfast with their children. And sometimes people are just too tired. Did Marissa say that’s what she’s like every morning? I don’t think so. Maybe this was just one of those days where she, like many of us, was too tired or for whatever reason didn’t feel like putting out the effort. And then, of course, everything else just went downhill.

Justine
on November 11th, 2010

Really? The mom was rude to ask you to please shut your car door now because she did not have time to wait for your son to get his shoes on? You are entitled to take up 2 parking spaces? How do you know where she was going to judge her? I bet she probably did have somewhere to be. Next time, keys in your pocket or pants’ waist band at all times and be considerate of others. Good thing to teach your kid.

steveo
on November 17th, 2010

If you were being judged at all (which is an entirely unimportant as a life concern) its because you were acting as a complete lune. Your actions made everything worse, and worst of all, degraded your child’s ability to cope with problematic situations. Same situation, my boys in preschool would not have reacted with any fear, because I would not have projected that on them, even if I felt anxious myself.

Nancy
on November 19th, 2010

Been there done that – but I was at Portillo’s (hot dog stand) and it was cold out. Luckily my keys ended up in my son’s carseat and he was a little older than your son so he understood me when I told him to push the button two times which unlocked the door.

torgster
on November 19th, 2010

She’s an immature drama queen. I remember her whining and wallowing in self-pity on Dancing With The Stars and it appears she hasn’t changed one bit! I can’t believe 911 would even respond to something so stupid. I’ve done the same thing but common sense told me to call a locksmith. 911 is for emergencies which this surely was not. Jeez.

Redneck Gravy
on December 8th, 2010

So you felt entitled to take two parking spaces while you dressed your child in the car … and you think the mommy that had gotten up early and gotten dressed for her day was rude in asking you to CLOSE your door so she could get on with her day ?

It’s not the MommyClub dear, it’s the Working Mothers Club. Not everyone is catered to like you are with a makeup girl & hair stylist before appearing under special lighting on television, the rest of us have to make it work ourselves – usually with a less than adoring public than you.

Leah
on January 12th, 2011

At least she didn’t do it the on the occasion her child was first leaving the hospital after birth! Yep, hubby and I in our panic LOCKED our newborn in the car in the hospital parking lot. Luckily it was underground and the back window easily broken. Welcome to the world son! Your parents are IDIOTS~~!!

– amy on November 3rd, 2010

First: HA! The above comment made me laugh out loud. Hilarious!

Secondly, I DO think you may have over-reacted but then again, I have never been in the situation so maybe I would have reacted the same way. I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I think everyone has judged someone at least once in their lives so while you may have been somewhat judgmental towards the “perfect moms” so what? You entitled to feel however you want about them, so long as you don’t treat them differently without good reason. I share your same feelings about those kinds of moms who make their own baby food and breast feed for 18 months straight but that’s just because I don’t do those things. At the end of the day, we all need to just do what works best for us and our family.