10 best celebrity stories of the week

Nov. 4, 2011

Updated Aug. 21, 2013 1:17 p.m.

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What do Zsa-Zsa Gabor, Pamela Anderson, Ethel Merman and Kim Kardashian have in common? If you answered talent, you're wrong. The answer is: Short marriages. Just 72 days after her lavish, filmed-for-TV wedding to basketballer Kris Humphries, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce Monday. Are we surprised? Not if you read celeb gossip websites, which had been predicting this for weeks and turned out to be right. The “Keeping up with the Kardashians” star cited irreconcilable differences in her divorce papers. “I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision,” she said in a statement, which read like the usual boilerplate. “I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned.” TMZ reported that the main bone of contention for the couple was over where they would live. Humphries told the website: “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce … I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.” Really, Kris, don't grovel. In reaction to the news, and to more fully explore its profound implications, websites the world over were doing slide shows that featured a selection of the shortest celebrity weddings. Oh, what fun. Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan and AP

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Lindsay Lohan's teeth, you'll be relieved to know, have been serviced. The shocking news hit the Internet several weeks ago … Lindsay had some real mangy looking chompers, and photos proved it. Therefore, Lohan tweeted a smiling photo of herself over the weekend (is that a beer on the nightstand?), along with thanks to her dentist. “Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom (a teeth-whitening treatment)” she typed. “My gums are so sore though!” People.com surmised that she was getting ready for her appearance in Playboy, where she'll be “wearing only a smile,” ha ha. Meanwhile, TMZ deduced she was getting ready for her court appearance on Wednesday, where, sources say, she'll concede that she violated her probation. Wonder if she'll smile when she says that. Photo by Toby Canham/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan

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Scarlett Johansson took those nude photos of herself as a little gift for her husband at the time, Ryan Reynolds. “I know my best angles,” the actress tells Vanity Fair, though angles weren't what most people noticed. The photos were hacked from her cell phone and leaked to a grateful Internet in September. Johansson sicked the feds on the hacker, who was caught. Johansson is speaking out about the pics for the first time in the December issue of Vanity Fair. They “were sent to my ex husband,” she says. “There's nothing wrong with that. It's not like I was shooting a porno. Although there's nothing wrong with that either.” Despite the photos, the couple split in December last year. Photo by Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan

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A Los Angeles judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan on Wednesday to 30 days in jail for a probation violation. Lohan arrived in court and, as predicted, admitted to violating her probation by not attending her mandatory therapy sessions and for getting kicked out of the Downtown Women's Center, where she was supposed to do her community service, according to TMZ. Judge Stephanie Sautner sentenced her to 30 days in jail and said that Lohan could not serve her term under house arrest, as she had done previously. Sautner imposed a complicated sentence on the actress, telling her that she will now have to perform all of her community service (423 hours) at the county morgue or risk serving an additional 270 days in jail. The actual time Lohan serves will be shortened due to jail overcrowding. Sherriff's Dept. sources tell TMZ that Lohan may serve as little as six days in jail. She has until Nov. 9 to report for her jail term. The judge also said Lohan can no longer leave the country and needs the permission of her new “no-nonsense” probation officer to travel outside California. Photo by Mario Anzuoni-Pool/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan and AP

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Is Justin Bieber a papa? A spokeswoman for Bieber calls “demonstrably false” an allegation the singer fathered a baby by a woman who has filed a paternity suit against the teen heartthrob. Melissa Victor said in a statement Wednesday that while Bieber's camp has yet to see the lawsuit, it will “vigorously pursue all available legal remedies” in response to the allegation. Court records show Mariah Yeater filed a paternity lawsuit against Bieber on Monday in San Diego. California law keeps paternity matters confidential but the website Radar Online posted a copy of the lawsuit. Messages left for Yeater's two attorneys were not immediately returned. “So I'm going to ignore the rumors ... and focus on what is real,” Bieber tweeted Wednesday. “An opportunity to help by doing what i love. Judge me on the music! Love yall!” Photo by Rick Diamond/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan and AP

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Lindsay Lohan may once again have the last laugh, which seems to be her specialty. Because of jail overcrowding, TMZ reports, Lohan may serve as little as a few hours of the 30-day jail sentence a judge handed her Wednesday for a probation violation. The website cites Los Angeles Sherriff's Dept. spokesman Steve Whitmore, who says that, depending on when Lohan turns herself in, she would “maybe spend the night and then be released the next day.” TMZ blames L.A. County Sherriff Lee Baca, who “may have” misled Lohan's judge when he publicly proclaimed that there was room for Lohan in jail before the sentencing. Furthermore, TMZ claims – they clearly have a Jones for this story – that the reason Lohan has until Nov. 9 to turn herself in is so she can finish her photo spread for Playboy magazine. But wouldn't that be even better behind bars? Photo by Toby Canham/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan

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Acclaimed “Satanic Verses” novelist Salman Rushdie, who once had a fatwa issued against him, has written a satiric limerick on Kim Kardashian's divorce on Twitter. Responding to what he called a “challenge” from a fellow Twitterite, Rushdie offered the following poem in a series of posts earlier this week. “1. The marriage of poor kim #kardashian was krushed like a kar in a krashian” “2. her kris kried, not fair! why kan't I keep my share?” “3. But kardashian fell klean outa fashian.” It won't win any awards, but he probably won't have to go into hiding. Rushdie said the limerick was a “once-only, never-to-be-repeated” effort, but it did find its way into the wider world of the Internet, where it's being repeated aplenty. Photo by Jerod Harris/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan

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Forbes magazine, which is all about money, has come up with another celebrity-centered list, this one on Hollywood's most overpaid actors. Coming in at No. 1 with a bullet, was Drew Barrymore, who Forbes said returned only 40 cents for every dollar she was recompensed for the movies she's recently starred in. The formula Forbes used to come up with its latest list was fairly sophisticated, comparing an actor's total compensation in his or her last three non-animated movies with the “total operating income” of said movies. They then did some division, had a chuckle or three, took several coffee breaks, and made a nifty slide show comprised of the mugs of the losers. Eddie Murphy came in at No. 2 on the list but he did much better. For every dollar he was paid, he returned $2.70. Orange County's Will Ferrell was No. 3 ($3.50 for every dollar), followed sequentially by Reese Witherspoon, Denzel Washington, Nicholas Cage, Adam Sandler, Vince Vaughn, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Photo by David Livingston/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan

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The National Enquirer is at it again, Chaz Bono is steamed and TMZ is on the case. Ah, culture. The Enquirer, it seems, has printed a story on Mr. Bono that says the transgender “Dancing with the Stars” contestant only has four years to live. According to TMZ, the story quotes a doctor who claims that Mr. Bono's weight, stress and the medications connected with changing his gender combine for a perfect storm leading to early death. Poppycock, or something along those lines, say Mr. Bono and his lawyers. They've sent a letter to the Enquirer demanding a retraction of said story stat. “The salacious and inflammatory headline and article were crafted for the malicious purpose of discriminating against our client's gender and sexual orientation,” the letter harrumphed righteously. If the story is not retracted, Mr. Bono will sue. Photo by Paul Zimmerman/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan

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Two-time Academy Award-winning actress Hilary Swank has been dropped unceremoniously by her PR firm. Entertainment Weekly reports that 42West decided to part ways with Swank because of a disagreement over how to handle the fallout from Swank's attendance at a party for the Chechen president, and alleged human right violator, Ramzan Kadyrov, last month. The shindig was also reportedly attended by Jean-Claude Van Damme, Seal and British violinist Vanessa-Mae. Swank has so far been the target of most of the criticism and she has released a mea culpa. “I deeply regret attending this event, which has thrown into question my long and deeply held commitment to the protection of human rights,” her statement said. Swank fired her manager of eight years this week, EW says, and she has vowed to donate her fee for attending the Chechen party to charity. Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images for The American Cancer Society; text by Timothy Mangan

What do Zsa-Zsa Gabor, Pamela Anderson, Ethel Merman and Kim Kardashian have in common? If you answered talent, you're wrong. The answer is: Short marriages. Just 72 days after her lavish, filmed-for-TV wedding to basketballer Kris Humphries, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce Monday. Are we surprised? Not if you read celeb gossip websites, which had been predicting this for weeks and turned out to be right. The “Keeping up with the Kardashians” star cited irreconcilable differences in her divorce papers. “I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision,” she said in a statement, which read like the usual boilerplate. “I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned.” TMZ reported that the main bone of contention for the couple was over where they would live. Humphries told the website: “I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce … I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.” Really, Kris, don't grovel. In reaction to the news, and to more fully explore its profound implications, websites the world over were doing slide shows that featured a selection of the shortest celebrity weddings. Oh, what fun.Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images; text by Timothy Mangan and AP

So, together with a crack team of judges, consisting of the present writer and a bunch of people chatting around the office, we've compiled the Ten Bestest Celebrity Stories of the Week so you'll be on top of it all for your weekend gatherings.

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