Friday, 24 October 2008

Just woke from an interesting illustrating dream which I think is one of those signpost ones. In essence, I put everyone else on pedestals in my life but never myself. As if it is OK for other people to be on pedestals but never me. The rationale being that I am both not good enough and also that it would be wrong because by doing so elevates me and puts others down. When, in my mind, having other people on pedestals puts no-one else down except myself. And then there is the not being good enough. A matter of opinion. There have been times in recent years when I have fouled up magnificently: started projects and not followed them through; not created the incoming generating sides of projects; not answered or returned emails; in short, buried my head in the sand. But apart from those misdemeanours I can be very good and effective in the things that I do.

The other part of my dream was that I should return to doing something I did in the past because this time it would be OK and I would be very good. In the dream it actually figured something I did twenty years ago, suggesting that I could do that really well, but I don't really think the dream was telling me to go back that far.

I have a little chewing over to do for now. Methinks concentrating on pedestals and that I could deserve one too is the starting point.

Very short post this due to arm pain/injury that I have had now for months and months which has gone into a frozen shoulder. On Monday evening I did just one hour of work on my PC and felt worse for it all week - it is that bad. I am determined it has to get better but that maybe I need to actually rest my arm more for a while. And how did I get this lovely injury in the first place? I only remembered a month or so ago ...... back in March my son bought a Wii with his combined birthday money which mummy quite enjoyed vigourously and enthusiastically playing golf and bowling. Fickle son got rid of the Wii after only a month. Just last night, someone else who did not know about my pain, told me about the ongoing arm injury she has from just a couple of hours of playing tennis and boxing on the Wii at the beginning of September. Which means we can not be the only ones with these sorts of injuries?

Tuesday, 14 October 2008

It is hard to feel any optimism, yet optimistic news might be on the horizon. It might all work out jolly well actually, but I don't feel like that and find it hard to summon up any enthusiasm. Just in case it falls through, and just because it might not happen I must try to hold tight.

Holding tight these days means hiding away. Curled up and hidden in my bed alternating between tears, blankness and tapping away at my Nintendo brain training "germ buster" game. Like a helpless vegetable on the chopping board knowing that once upon a time I grew vigourously and fought back. My fight seems to have gotten up and walked off leaving me shockingly bitter and sour on the inside and I don't like this person. Not one bit. But in a contradiction, I know this isn't really me and some very tiny, far off voice inside me is shouting help, let me out.

On the outside, very few people know all this, but increasingly my friends are finding out - because I am talking more - and they have been magnificent throwing me lifelines. This year has been extraordinary on the friends front so the one thing I don't feel is alone. But this is still my life and despite a wonderful husband and friends I have this path to tread, but my feet just don't seem to be working.

Chastising myself and trying to get things into perspective has only contributed to the darkness. I feel enough guilt without adding more to the mix. "For God's sake, pull yourself together" I tell myself to little physical effect.

In early August my mother was showing strong intentions to blog therefore I felt an obviously stronger need to withdraw mine from eyesight. The whole world might be blogging but life is stranger than fiction and coincidences happen and she might just come across mine and recognise this or that. As it happens, I don't think she has taken forward blogging after all!

In mid August depression gripped so tight that after a weekend of tears I resolved to do something. On the Monday I went out to job agencies and by the Thursday I had started a temp job as a medical secretary in the oncology department of the local hospital. So maybe I might have fibbed about the extent of my experience as an audio typist but that did tickle me that I could go out and get a job and push the boundaries a tad. The pay is little above the minimum UK wage, but it is a regular 25 hours of work/income each week. Even through my depressions I continued to work, letting my hair fall over my eyes on those days the tears would not stop. I am still there and the work itself is a blog by itself.

Since that time I have also been plotting my morning temperature and my depressions and anything else of note. I had thought my monthly cycle had become irregular but so far it seems not, though the frequency of my severe one day depressions have been alarming, but they have actually been better of late. No surprise to know that I am writing this through one at present.

Currently 14 year old son has measles which I have been helping to nurse him through. He is having a rough time especially now with the itchyness of the rash. I never knew measles could be so itchy but it is like his skin is crawling and alive. I have tried various alternative aids but today Mr Doris has bought some Piriton so we will see if that eases and whether a better night sleep can be had by all.

Outside the leaves are creating rich blankets and as I passed through them earlier today I thought about a year ago when I didn't expect we would still be living here for another Autumn. That makes over 18 months our house has been on the market and we have slashed the price down to give it away but still nowt. Over a year my son has lived weekdays at my sister to go to school near her and comes home for the weekends. What was originally a six week exercise has pushed us beyond anything. I am not being physically beaten like as a child and yet I am not sure I have ever felt quite so cowed. My chest has sunken in and my right shoulder has dropped putting stress on the wrong muscles leading to a frozen shoulder. I have been in a lot of pain and my movements have been restricted. I sit typing at work wincing at times with discomfort. But no-one there knows, and the bigger picture is that the income, no matter how small, has been regular and well needed. I could, and should, be doing bigger and better things but I am unable.

Something so heavy is sitting on me and holding me back for something. Or, in my dark hours I ponder that I am done with and my life and usefulness is over.

Actually, my arm is on the mend. As is my belief in myself. The wonders of kinsesiology and the support of lovely friends hold me through. We might be renting our house instead of selling. An option I once dismissed might now turn out to be a viable and excellent way forward. This could even mean us moving before Christmas, maybe even in as little as three weeks! Then we can be together as a family. Finally landed. Starting afresh. I can't quite believe it will happen and that scares me.