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This section was my workspace for philosophy essays between July 2006 and April 2008.
I call this "Prehistoric Kilroy" because it gave me practice for more
disciplined essays in Kilroy Cafe.Also see my philophical blog and Twitter feed.

Issue #66, 1/12/2007

Primping and Nesting Behavior of the Human
Female

By Glenn CampbellFamily Court Philosopher

Our many years of research into the behavior of the human
female have yielded more questions than answers. The chief
difficulty with studying this species in the wild is that
the observer tends to change that which is observed. The
researcher can't just set up his cameras and recording
equipment and expect the female to act naturally. As soon as
observation begins, the female instantly becomes aware of
the researcher's presence and immediately withdraws to the
bathroom, where she stays for hours.

When she finally emerges, there is artificial pigmentation
all over her face, while an overpowering floral scent
permeates the air within a 20-meter radius. The clothing is
frilly and impractical, and the subject has gained 4 to 12
centimeters in height through the attachment of bizarre
pointed extensions to the feet. Sometimes, the fingernails
have also been extended by the application of small pieces
of painted plastic, which interfere with the use of the
hands but apparently make the subject feel "pretty." The
hair on the head has been colored and coifed, while
extraneous hair on other parts of the body has been plucked
or shaved. Only when the female opens her mouth and begins
speaking is it clear that this is the same person who went
into the bathroom.

Evidently, the female has difficulty “being
herself.” There always has to be a layer of adornment
between her and the outside world. This can be a
veneer of makeup or a whole houseful of vanity objects. The
risk to the female is that adornment takes over her life and
that nothing is accomplished all day except primping and
interior decoration.

Males just want to get a job done, while females (and some
gay males) have a dangerous aesthetic sense which says that
things have to be done in a certain way, with the right
symbolism, fashion and style. Females are often called more
"sensitive" than males, but sometimes a better term is
"superficial," as they can easily become obsessed with
outward image rather than diving below the surface for
substance.

Given the resources to do so, a female will build a nest.
This appears to be a deeply ingrained behavior that may have
evolved to meet the needs of offspring when the world was
more dangerous and resources were scarce. A nest is a
comfortable, protected place in a harsh environment.
Nest building, however, can get out of hand in the modern
world. If excess resources are available, the typical female
will invest them all in her creation, regardless of true need,
until the nest becomes an obscene and overwrought display of
self-indulgence and waste.

In the female universe, one cannot simply sleep on a mattress
on the floor of an adequately heated room, no matter how
comfortable it may be. One has to sleep on a raised bed with
an oak frame, a feather comforter and color-coordinated
sheets, surrounded by decoration and art objects that
radiate good taste. The room should have a light scent of
potpourri, and the windows should look out upon some idyllic
scene of nature. The female fails to recognize that when
she is sleeping, she is not going to notice any of this, but
the symbolism and psychosocial imagery of the nest seem to be
more important to her than actual function.

Feminine nest-building is directed toward an unfulfillable
ideal that is epitomized by the pornographic imagery of
Martha Stewart. In magazines and TV shows, the Stewart
communications empire shows us idealized, softly-lit images
of what the gentle life should look like—not unlike the
dreamy images of centerfolds in Playboy. Females
usually fall for this nonsense just as surely as males drool
over Miss November.

According to the Martha Stewart ideal, objects brought into
the home should not be hard and functional but soft and
rustic. They should seem to come from a theoretical "Middle
Earth" era when most things were made by hand and life
supposedly had more substance and quality. The nest is
lined with cotton and lace, never nylon or polyester. The
idealized pornographic home is always pristine but never quite
finished, as there are always new projects to start as soon
the current one is done.

By genetic predisposition enhanced by commercial marketing,
a female's nest tends to absorb whatever time and money are
available to her. If she has a million dollars, she'll soon
have a million-dollar nest. Necessity and function are
usually the least considered issues in nest implementation
and the female will respect them only when economics or
other outside factors force her to.

The dark side of female nesting behavior is that the nest,
once built, has to be defended. After years of accumulated
vanity, the home contains so many complex and fragile
investments that the female can hardly move. The "nest"
becomes more like a "web" with a black widow spider in the
center. "Don't touch that!" the female snaps if you try to
change anything. Once the web has been spun and attached to
the surrounding terrain, it becomes nearly immovable. The female
can thus become trapped in her own elaborate creation,
which can inhibit all forms of personal growth.

The female, like the male, has only a limited time on Earth.
If precious years are wasted in creating the perfect home,
there will be little time left for actual living.

“Well, I don't know if I'd be so negative about our wives.. but I take your article with a sense of humor. In my own life, I've often had to argue with my wife about whether this or that remodeling project is necessary or within our budget, etc. For a time, she insisted that I should work harder and make available a budget for remodeling needs. I didn't agree with that, and we argued to no end. Eventually, we solved this issue with a few simple rules. (1) If something is BROKEN in our home, we both pitch in and fix it. (2) if something is not broken, but one of us feels like renovating for aesthetic reasons, it's not mandatory on both. The one with the desire to renovate, is free to do so on their own personal budget; however their share of ownership of the home increases by the market value increase due to the remodeling project. I would recommend this to a lot of couples who can't stop arguing about remodeling budgets.”
—MR 10/26/08 (rating=2)