Can You Talk? My Phone is Acting Super Weird.

My phone is being such a freak. I didn’t do anything to her at all but for some reason she’s acting so weird. Only certain apps will open. Facebook keeps freezing, wifi won’t connect unless I’m sitting on Silicon Valley’s lap and her map never has any idea where I am.

If I drop a pin, 9 times out of 10 she thinks I’m in the ocean. Why would I be in an ocean? Everyone says she’s smart but like…

Maybe she’s mad about the time I dropped her in the toilet, but honestly, she should get over it. There was nothing in the bowl besides water and I got her a huge bag of rice immediately after to say sorry. It took her all day to turn back on. So annoying!! What a baby, right?

“Water damage.” Sure. That’s her excuse for everything. It’s such B.S. Yea, I have “water damage,” too. It’s called being hungover, and I still work.

I mean she works — she still makes calls and stuff, but she doesn’t do a very good job at it. She’s always hanging up on people which is so rude and muting conversations (which results in someone on the other end repeating “Hello” a million times until they hang up and I realize what happened). Plus, she auto-corrects like a walrus high on Sudafed, which makes me sound like an idiot: “HAHAHA” is not a good look when the guy you’re texting makes a so-so joke and you’re trying to be equally low-key.

Also, I can’t tell if she doesn’t know or just doesn’t care that there’s a difference between there, their and they’re. I think she knows and she’s messing with me.

OH! You know what else she did? She “forgot” to ring the alarm the other morning. My volume was on, the clock was set. She just didn’t want to. She’s out of control. She Facetimes people randomly that I have never called before — I don’t even know why they’re in my phone — so how would that even make sense? I think she’s possessed. No like I actually do think that. Sometimes I’ll open up an email, close my inbox, open it again, and it’s gone.

I feel kind of bad talking shit about her because she can be sweet. She always takes my picture (unless she’s “out of storage”); she’s pretty entertaining if I’m bored. I definitely can’t ditch her. She’s in that little sister zone, like February.

…Wait, you’re not with her right? I can’t find her anywhere, and obviously her sound is off.

Collage by Emily Zirimis

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Time for an upgrade! I switched to an iPhone last year, and I asked Siri a few weeks ago weather it was raining (it was, I could see it) and she said “no”. I can’t help but want to ship her back sometimes. Most other times, I accept her deficiencies and pretend she’s awesome.

At least the first few glitches might be due to full memory! All that annoying stuff happens to me when my phone is full, and then once I deleted 50-100 pictures, maybe an app or two, and text history with a few people it improves 100%!

Alexia Marcelle

“a walrus high on Sudafed” – hilarious

Merillionaire

My old iPhone liked to randomly play Beyonce songs. Only Beyonce songs. The Genius at the Apple Store was skeptical when I told him, but sure enough 15 minutes later he came out from the backroom and Beyonce was playing. We shared a laugh.