Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

The officer shouted
orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran
directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a
dispatch
case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to

safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said

whorehouses!"

Where do religious school children practice
sports?
In the prayground!

A Texan farmer goes
to Australia for a
vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets
talking. The Aussie
shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have
wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk
around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least
twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile,
almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through
the field. He asks, "And what are
those"?
The Aussie asks
with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in
Texas"?

Two men died and went to Heaven. St.
Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy,
"I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!"
"No
problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And
what
do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like
to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says, "One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!"

A guy goes to a girl's house
for the first
time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses
herself
to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's
standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks
it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says
"What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He
goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to
the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

The
child was a typical four-year-old
girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed
difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to
pull out his wedding photo album,
thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the
reception,
etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think
so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for
us?"

A man is walking down the street
when he sees a sign in the
window of a travel agency that says
CRUISES - $100. He goes into the
agency and hands the guy $100. The
travel agent then whacks him over the
head with a baseball bat and
throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a
half hour later, sees the sign
and pays the guy $100. The travel agent
then whacks him with the
baseball bat and throws him in the
river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together
and
the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on
this
cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They
didn't do it last
year."