Friday, January 22, 2010

Democratic Party Rocked by 7.0 Earthquake

Former President Bill Clinton and former President-elect Al Gore rewire the Dirkson Senate Office Building so Democrats could get back online and ask for campaign contributions.

With devastating force and suddenness, the Democratic party last Tuesday was rocked by a quake that reached 7.0 on Schechter scale. The epicenter was the state of Massachusetts, which was flattened and left panicked liberals scurrying through the streets of Boston, Worcester and Springfield in the wake of Scott Brown's election to the Senate.

"There's no infrastructure," said Congresswoman Niki Tsongas of the devastated 5th district. The widow of former Senator Paul Tsongas added, "I don't know what Scott Brown will be facing when he gets to Washington but from what I see here, it won't be much."

President Obama reacted swiftly, announcing in a press conference from the headquarters of FEMA that he will dispatch 1000 lobbyists and other "humanitarian arbitrators" to assist Congress in salvaging what little there is of the health care reform bill, a move that was immediately condemned by Sen. John McCain (R-AZ)

"If the President wants to help, he ought to dispatch even more lobbyists," said the senior Arizona senator, who offered to provide another 1000 lobbyists from his failed presidential campaign of 2008.

Getting relief supplies such as scotch, golf clubs, tennis rackets and Fiji water into the ravaged Capitol was difficult if not outright impossible due to the damage inflicted on the many runways at Andrews AFB and Washington Dulles International Airport. The Brown-inspired earthquake has, oddly enough, affected only Democrats.

On Fox News, Barney Frank (D-MA 4), his baggy sack suit in tatters, publicly begged for campaign donations to help ease the devastation. "I'm not asking for contributions just for myself but for all my brothers and sisters in the party," a teary-eyed Frank said while calliope music cued by Sean Hannity played in the background. "God damn you, Martha. I told the president not to trust a bitch."

In anticipation of the aftershocks that reached 5.1 in the liberal blogosphere, the international community has pledged or sent relief supplies, starting with Venezuela and Cuba. Hugo Chavez has sent over 200 professional fund raisers and bundlers to Democratic districts hit heaviest by the quake.

"Hurricane Katrina and 9/11 should have taught us that you can never get too complacent," said a somber Vice President Joe Biden. "We should have been better prepared. We should have seen this coming.

"The devastation and human toll is unimaginable," concluded the vice president after seeing gory pictures of the carnage. "If only we'd passed that fucking health care bill before it came to this."