Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I found out yesterday that a girl I work with was found dead in her garage with the car running. It was so shocking. We all knew that she was going through a rough divorce, but never thought that this would happen. She has 2 teenage daughters. I put a candle and a rose on her desk today.

Lilly has a game today, so I'll be leaving work a bit early. Actually did some job searching today, but every place I saw that looked good wanted me to work weekends and holidays. I can't do that. Hubby works weekends and holidays. Who would watch the kids?

This weekend was ok. Lilly's team won their game on Friday 20-2 and then again on Saturday 18-0. None of the other teams are really any competition yet. The team we are playing today we did lose to the last time we played them. Lilly missed that game. I told coach that they only lost because Lilly wasn't there.

I took Lilly running with me on Saturday while Zach and hubby took a nap. I was hoping she would be my motivation- "Faster mom! Come on...let's keep going.. further" We made it half a mile and she was done.

Zach actually slept through the night Sunday night. That morning he and his bed were soaked where his diaper had leaked. Last night he only got up twice and the last time was because hubby was making lots of noise when he was getting ready.

Weight loss is still on track. Last night for dinner I had a salad and a baked potato. Tonight is crock pot teriyaki chicken over white rice. I've been on the stairs all day today too and I always get plenty of exercise at Lilly's games. I stand, never sit, and I'm always running after Zach. I did some Just Dance on the Wii last night for a bit too. I'm proud of myself for sticking with it. It feels great to lose weight and I always feel awesome after I go for a run. I wish I had some exercise machines in my house. Even a treadmill would be great so I could still run when I don't have a sitter, or when the weather is bad out.

Mother's Day is coming up and what do I want? I want to sleep in!!!! It won't happen. Hubby will be the one sleeping in like always. Last year though he kind of left us on our own. The night before he took off with his buddies and didn't get home until super late and he was a little drunk. Then, the day of, he takes his mom and dad to go look at our future house. I was not a happy camper last year. Hopefully this year he won't go running off. I know I'll probably end up spending the day at his mom's house. I don't want to. But I'm sure that's what'll happen. One day a year that I want for myself.... I don't even ask for anything special on my birthday. That is just another day. But I pride myself in being a good mom and Mother's Day should be for me. One day. Just one day out of the whole year where I want to feel special. One day.

Friday, April 26, 2013

I wanted to write something today, but my mind is just drawing a blank. I didn't sleep well last night again. Zach was wimpering in his sleep and that kept me up. Lilly had a nightmare and I tended to her. My allergies have kicked in and I can't stop coughing. My legs hurt and I can't get comfy. I also think that its time for a new mattress. See...now I'm just complaining.
Lilly has a game today, I hope it all goes well. She was kicking butt at practice on Tuesday.
I need to get out and run soon. I haven't been since Monday and that was more of a walk than anything. I've been enjoying the weight just melting off. I still have a long way to go before I am where I want to be. I really need to get my pace per mile down. As it stands right now, I'm around 15 minutes, but I tend to walk slower than normal after I run for a bit. Soon, I hope to be able to run more than walk.
Brought a tuna salad sandwich for lunch and carrots to munch on. Probably going to have left over stuffed shells for dinner since there was so many left over. They were yummy, but there was just so many.
Um.... I'm empty. My mind is blank. I'm tired. I'm hungry and I want to go home. Happy Friday and have a great weekend.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

What a messed up world we live in, huh? Why can't there just be peace? Our civilization is falling apart and soon will come the fall of society as a whole. Times were bad, but now times are worse. There hasn't hardly been a time where the US wasn't engaged in some kind of war or battle. And for what? And what is going on with all the terrorist attacks, all the bombings, people shooting up schools, killing innocent people? Can we as a society not find a solution to all this chaos before it gets worse? We are supposed to be shaping this world for our children to live in. The future leaders of this world are going to grow up in a broken world and when its their time to lead and take over, there will be nothing left of this place. We are leaving our children's future in ruins.

Murder rates are up. Killings as a result of drunk driving is up. Suicide rates are up. Deaths of innocent people are up. What is going on here? If this is some sick form of population control, then we need to rise up and stand against it. It breaks my heart to see the kind of mess this generation has caused. There's really nothing left for our children to look forward to...just more misery and war.

Now, a lot of people are spouting off about the government taking away our guns. According to our fantastic Constitution and Bill of Rights, we the citizens actually do have some rights. I don't know what its like in other countries, but here there have been politicians trying to pass stronger gun laws and its making some people crazy. But here's the thing... making guns illegal isn't going to stop crime. Criminals will be the ones armed and all the good law abiding citizens will be left empty handed. Bombs are illegal... was there not just a bombing not even 2 weeks ago. Drugs are illegal, but they are more rampant than ever. I have guns. I like my guns. I'm a great shot and I like to hunt. There may come a time soon where all we have is our ability to live off the land. Can you hunt? Do you know how to gut, skin and cut up a deer? I do. One of the big things that I can't do is can food. I have no idea how. I'm making it my yearly goal to learn how. And also how to shoot a bow and arrow.

Yes, I'm kind of freaking out here. All those doomsday preppers that everyone is making fun of are going to be the same people that everyone runs to when the inevitable happens. You can't say that its not a possibility. We could be overrun. Terrorist have already shown what they are capable of doing in small numbers. And even the damage our corrupt government has done and can still do. Our economy is already in ruins..what's next?

As we all just sit back and think that everything is in control, the world is slowly falling apart. At any given time, anything could happen. The bombing of Pearl Harbor came as a great surprise and it did great damage. The groups FALN, JDL, CRIA and Omega 7, Fort Hood shooting...the World Trade Center bombing and then years later the collapse caused by crashed airplanes... the Unabomber... the Aurora theater shooting... Newtown elementary shooting... Columbine... Virginia Tech... the Boston Marathon... the list goes on and on and on and soon, it'll be the entire country. And that's just in the US. There's so much going on in other countries that my heart breaks for them. I wish I could save all the innocents. Al Quaeda is just hiding out, waiting. I heard that a couple members were intercepted in Canada after planning to hi-jack a train and drive it into the US to do some damage just a couple days ago. There will come a time when we can't stop them all. And what about the people already here? A lot of our attacks are home attacks. Timothy McVeigh, for example who blew up a truck in Oklahoma City in front of a Federal Building killing over 150 people and injuring 800 others. He was American as well as most of the others that attack and kill.

My husband mentioned last night that we learn to rely on the land and one day just pack up and go somewhere remote. I wouldn't mind having a cabin or something ready out in the middle of nowhere, but I can't live there until we have to. It was nice hearing those words come out of his mouth. Its good to know that I'm not alone in my thinking. I've never mentioned a single word of any of this or my paranoia to him. I have every reason to be worried. Anything could happen at any given time. And if we are unprepared as a civilization, we will fall into the hands of all the wrong people. Am I crazy? No, I don't think so. Anything is possible. If the fall doesn't happen in my lifetime, it doesn't mean that it won't happen at all. We can't rule out North Korea either with all their nuclear bombs and their huge military. There might even be a country who is holding a grudge but keeping quiet about it until they are ready to let loose. All of the extremist, all of the home attacks, all of the people that claim they kill for religion are here and they have already done some damage. It won't end unless we find a way to make it end. Its bad, but its going to get worse. You can read this and scoff all you want to and say that I'm crazy, but if you actually dig into the news and do research about what is happening, the worst is yet to come. I used to think that the people holding the signs saying that the end is near were crazy, but they might be the ones who are right all along. A big war is coming. Its been predicted by all the great people of our past. The times may differ, but we've had 2 World Wars, what's stopping them from going at it again? Peace Treaties? Oh, if we piss enough people off, those things are going out the window.

I wish I could find a way to make this place better for the future. What can I do? I'm aware of what's going on now, and maybe I can find ways to stop the tragedy. Now, I'm actually all for CISPA that was just passed in Congress just last week. Is it an invasion of our privacy? Yes, it is, but if the people monitoring can find a way to stop just one person, it'll help. I have nothing to hide. I don't care if they look into me and what I'm doing. Read my emails, that's fine. See what I post on Facebook and read my blogs, that's cool. Follow what I'm searching on Google, I don't care and maybe you'll even find a good recipe that you'll want to try. Its the people that are looking up ways to build a bomb and things like this that need to be monitored and stopped and I hope that the passing of this bill will help.

If I go down, I'm going to go down with a fight. No army from North Korea is going to come over here and take over my home without me fighting. No gunman is going to break into my house and take my kids. Bad people are out there in this world. Yes, there are good people too, but less good people are willing to put up a fight. Break ins, robberies, murders, serial killers, senseless killing happen every day. Who will be next? What will be next? Is there someone out there wanting to target me, target you? You see it on the news everyday and you think that those kinds of things will never happen to you, your family, your friends, your town. And not even just people... natural distaters can happen in the blink of an eye. Its great to see a community come together after an accident or a tragedy and show that they can stand as one, but why can't we stand as one all the time? Why only during bad times do we come together to help out each other?

My eyes are open. I'm doing my research. I'm going to learn to be independent. If I never have to use my resources, that's fantasic! But I'd rather be safe than sorry. Are you prepared for anything? Just because you think that it can't happen doesn't mean that it won't.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

For some reason, I've been thinking about my past lately. Like... when I was 7, I did karate for about 3 days before my mom stopped taking me. And after that I didn't even ask to do anything because I knew my mom had no interest in me participating. I remember my older brothers in Boy Scouts and basketball though. I didn't even participate in any science fairs or art shows and when I was in the band and played the flute and qualified for the State Competition.... I declined because I knew I would have no ride there. I didn't do the band in high school because they did after school practice and I would have no way to get home. I'll never do that to my kids, even if all the running around kills me, I will always take them to do activities they want to do. I'm always at every single game and every practice for Lilly, and yeah, it'll be a little difficult after Zach gets into sports, I'll have to pick and choose... but I'll never not go or never let them do what they want.

Lilly's practice yesterday went for 2 1/2 hours. When we got there, I saw a baby bird in the field and I tried to get one of the coaches to go get it before it got squished, but he didn't want to budge until I told him what I wanted. So, I yelled across the field that there was a baby bird... and ALL of the girls came running, like I was trying to avoid. Then they wouldn't leave it alone. After we finally got them to put the bird down, practice was under way. I swear every girl got smacked by the ball. Lilly got hit right in the ear, but she didn't want to get off the field and cry about it like usual... because she didn't want to give up her position. Coach had her practicing on first while the usual first baseman practiced batting.

I guess Zach's pictures went ok. No one said otherwise. Now I wait a few weeks and cross my fingers that he didn't cry or growl into the camera. That's his new thing. He growls. He growls when he talks. I swear he's going to be a singer in a metal band or something.

My grandpa's birthday is today... I have to make sure I don't forget when I get home to have the kids call him.

Hubby's decided that he wants to build the swingset/playhouse for the kids. I hope he decides soon what he wants to do so they can get to play on it this year.

I realize that I forgot to post pictures again..what is wrong with me? I am so forgetful lately. I've also noticed that I'm losing more hair than usual throughout the day. If this keeps up, I'll be bald in a month and I won't remember why. I'm under a lot of stress and I don't sleep and I'm trying so hard to lose weight and I'm running around crazy all the time. I need a day off to sleep or relax. My day off Monday was full or running around and cleaning and exercising and more craziness. My days are getting away from me. I can't tell you the last time I talked to anyone... I go days now without calling my mom and I don't even realize its been that long. I used to talk to her every day. And when I do call... I can't remember anything I wanted to tell her. Maybe I'm just getting old or something.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

When did I last write?? I don't even remember. I was off work yesterday because Lilly had an awards assembly at school and then she was supposed to have a ball game after school, but it was canceled a the last minute.

Lilly went to her father's this past weekend. He got married and Lilly was a flower girl. I got a picture of her with her hair all done up and her dress on and she was very pretty. I'll post that pic later with some others. She had a game Sunday which she was late to. Her father's parents brought her to the game, but she hadn't eaten at all yet, so they stopped at Taco Bell. It was 2 in the afternoon! By the time she finished eating and changed into her uniform, the game had already started. They won again and Lilly did do better this time than last. She made a homerun, struck out once, got out on first once, and then she had made it to third base but another girl got out and the inning was over. The parents all ordered T-shirts to match the team. Lime green with black letters. The front says Diamond Divas on it and the back has Lilly's name and number. I got Zach one too and the back of his says Lilly's Bro.

Saturday, it was just me and Zach, so we lounged around the house. Did the same Friday night. Hubby went 4-wheeling with some friends Friday night and stayed in his buddy's camper and then went to work.

I've been working on running... and my legs are killing me. I ended up soaking in the tub yesterday after my run..well, that one was more of a walk and sort of a jog because my legs hurt so bad. Soaking did help a little. I've lost a total of 14.2 pounds now!!

I brought left over dinner for lunch today... taco salad. Just the meat, lettuce, tomato, cheese, sauce and I even threw in some spinach. Tonight is ball practice night, so the kids are going to have grilled cheese and tomato soup and me and hubby will end up with jambalaya.

Zach has pictures at school today. I forgot about it or I would have dressed him in what I did yesterday. He was so cute. He had on a green polo shirt with a black stripe on the chest with green plaid shorts and green shoes. This morning, all I could find was a blue and gray plaid button up shirt and blue jean shorts..with his green shoes. And he has a bug tattoo on his arm that I couldn't get off. I hope the pictures turn out ok.

I just got a text from the news saying that the streets are blocked off around a hotel that is only a couple blocks away from me. The only reason is 'undisclosed reasons'... as paranoid as I've been lately, this is not cool! I wonder what's going on...

Friday, April 19, 2013

The benefits to having a daughter that's growing up? I get to wear her stuff. Today, I'm wearing one of her necklaces. She's going to be really mad when she's a teenager and I lose all this weight and I can wear her clothes!

We've been wanting to get the kids one of those big wooden play areas/swing sets. But.. the biggest problem we run into is that we don't have a lot of flat land. Hubby's talking about digging up the big hill in the backyard and putting up a retaining wall, so we can have more room to put a swing set and even a little BBQ area. I'm unsure about this. My biggest concern is Zach and the retaining wall. And I do kinda like that little hill we have. The kids like to climb it and kick balls up it. We have this huge front yard too, but only this little piece of really flat land and its a little too close to the road for my comfort. I'm sure we'll end up cutting the hill out because its what hubby wants to do. I keep telling myself that after we do it, the kids will have more room to play and we can get them a swing set.

I didn't get to go running last night. Hubby took the day to mow and weed-eat the yard. I thought about taking Zach, but if I did, I'd have to go to the track and it is kinda hard to run with a stroller and a fidgety kid. If hubby is busy tonight, I will take Zach with me. I really need to get out there.

Taking Monday off because Lilly has an awards assembly around 9:00 and then after school she has a game. If I go to her assembly, I wouldn't get to work until about 10:30 or so, but then I'd have to leave about 3 to get the kids for the game. Its not worth the gas. I'm going to take a ME day. I'll go to her assembly and maybe go for a run before it gets warm out. Then, I'll take a shower, have lunch, clean up a little and then nap. I love napping. And then I'll go get the kids. Love the kids to death, but I've been stressing out a lot lately and I really need some alone time.

Job hunt is back on today. I just really hate never having any money and I really want to be closer to home. This crap of driving into the city every day has to stop. I don't even enjoy my job even the slightest any more. I just do what I have to do to get by. I feel like a lazy student on their senior year. I'm running myself thin for all these other people and they don't pay me nearly enough for all the crap I do. I'm done. I wish I had the motivation I used to. I wish working with kids paid more than it does. That's what I want to do, but I can't afford to work for minimum wage.

I wish I had some kind of direction with my life. I feel like I'm just floating along and I'm miserable, I really am. The only thing that I know is certain anymore is my love for my kids. They are my whole world. But I need more. I need something. I'm only in my 20's and I'm already stuck in a rut. Of course this could very well be the depression talking, or this could be the cause of my depression. I know I talk about this stuff all the time, but its constantly on my mind. I'm stuck at this job mostly because I can't get a job anywhere else that pays near what this job pays AND offers health insurance. I don't have a degree, so a lot of places won't even look at me.

Alright...I guess its time for me to start getting to work. I have quite a lot to do today actually, especially since I'm taking Monday off.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Time has been getting away from me lately. I need to learn to slow down. I'm rushing around way too much nowadays and stress is bringing me down. I've been trying to find time during work to get out and walk, but then there are days when I have to leave early for Lilly's softball and such and it puts me behind my work or my hours.

Lilly's team won their first game on Saturday. It was 14-2. They have another game today. Practice was last night and it went for 2 1/2 hours! The girls were goofing off in the beginning and the coach couldn't get anything done. It was hot though and they were miserable standing out there in the field. Zach and a boy his age, Luke were chasing bees, playing in the dirt pile, and running around. We got Lilly a new bat and she thought she couldn't hit the ball with it. But after we showed her that it was the exact same length and weight as another girl's bat that she's been using, she was ok. I knew her old bat was getting too short for her, but I kept forgetting to get her a new one.

Monday was Zach's first full day in the 2 year old room at day care. One of the teachers told me that room is more structured but the kids are more chaotic. She pulled me aside on Friday and was really upset because Zach told her NO for the first time. She was in the one year room with him too and she moved when he moved. I told her that he went to bed late and was cranky, but we've hit the terrible two's and she's probably going to hear that a lot more out of him. She said that he's her favorite and she knows that he's probably just mimicking the other kids, but I told her the Zach does indeed have a wild and cranky side and that he's not all lovey and smiley all the time anymore.

I had hubby light our fire pit and we made S'mores last night. Zach likes playing with the fire and catching is marshmallows in fire. Lilly was roasting them faster than I could put the graham crackers and chocolate on a plate. I think we all ate 2 except for Zach who ate half of one and was a total mess. Then we was eating the marshmallows and spitting them back out in his hand.

I've started jogging in preparation for the 5k I've signed up for. I was trying to get to go last night, but things ran late and I don't want to go in the dark by myself. I've lost a total of 13 pounds now. I finally got that other half pound to go away! I'm back on track after my week or two of hectic craziness with family. We went grocery shopping over the weekend and I got a lot of good healthy stuff to help me out and trick the family into eating better. We spent about $100 more than usual, but it should last us quite a while. I'll just need to go get stuff like milk, bread, eggs and salad stuff, but everything else is taken care of. Yesterday was my last day with coffee. I'm just a water girl now... milk with my cereal. I'm making hubby eat better too. His health needs to make a change for the better.

Sometimes I do think I'm going crazy or I'm bipolar or something. One minute I'm the happiest person alive and the next I want to punch the wall and every little thing gets on my nerves. I'm trying to get in the habit of realizing when I've reached my breaking point and finding ways to calm down. Its hard sometimes, but I'm trying. I'm still fighting with my depression though. I wish I could just fix myself, but I've been trying too long and haven't succeeded. I need to see a dr. I keep saying that, but I have yet to see one.

The Boston bombing has gotten me all worked up. Now I'm even more paranoid than ever. I've been freaking out over little things, but now its worse. I know I can't control everything and things happen for a reason, blah, blah, blah... but I can't help but plan in my head what I would do for every little thing that goes wrong or every disaster I can think of. Its driving me crazy. Last night we had a storm and at first I was sitting on the porch enjoying listening to the wind and rain and watching lightning. But then I started getting worried. What if a tree fell on my house. What if there was a tornado. What if the fire pit didn't go out all the way and the wind blows the embers and catches my house on fire. I even had this thought that I couldn't get out of my head of scenarios on how I'd save my family. Tornado.. I'm sitting on the back porch and the safest place is in the far corner in my basement. Hubby's in the shower. Grab Zach first and then get Lilly.. or yell for Lilly while running to get Zach? Roof ripped off house... how fast can I run to get the kids? What do I have to grab a hold of? Fire... we don't own a fire extinguisher. I'm screwed. What doors are blocked? Can I get the kids out of the windows? Even right now I'm sitting here thinking about what I would do if some kind of disaster hit and I have to get to my kids. I'm too far away to get there at a good time and the traffic of other people trying to get to their family... I've been trying to find a job closer to home, closer to the kids just for this reason. What is wrong with my brain?

Anyway... Lilly's father is again getting to take her on a wonderful vacation while my vacation with her is spent at home. He always gets to take her everywhere. He took her on her first beach trip, her first aquarium and now he's taking her to Disneyworld... or Disneyland... whichever is in Florida. I know she'll have fun, but I was really wanting to be the one to take her there.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Its this dad who takes pictures of his son crying and explains why. If you have kids, you can truly appreciate this. It made Zach's melt downs last night a little less stressful. I decided that I'm going to do that here too. I'll show you why Zach's crying and just how much a 2 year old can throw a fit over the smallest things. He cries because I won't let him hit Lilly. He cries because he wants to take his shoes off himself, but has problems sometimes. He cries because he can't get his hat on straight. But then in the blink of an eye, he is fine. Last night he was crying because I wouldn't let him recline the chair out, so he threw himself in the floor and cried about it for a good 5 minutes until he found a jelly bean under the couch and stuffed it in his mouth before I knew what was going on. Then he was a happy little camper again. So... I'll be making more than one post for a while. I just wanna see how the crying Zach turns out. Focusing on just how silly his meltdown is really helps me not stress out about it. He is a very happy child. Like... very happy. He smiles and laughs and plays and tells me he loves me 99% of the time. But that 1% can make everyone's good day turn sour. So, I'm going to try to have a little fun with it, like the dad in that blog did. Maybe it'll help me stay sane just a bit longer.

It was hot yesterday. I mean 96 degrees hot. Its freaking April for crying out loud. Where is my Spring? Why are we jumping straight into summer? I only let the kids out for a little bit and that was with a water gun. Then we went out again after it had cooled off a little and had a 5 minute silly string fight. Lilly had a doctor appointment yesterday. She is 4 foot 5 and weights 67 pounds. Doctor said she is as healthy as a horse.

After I picked her up from school to go to the dr, we were making good time so I stopped at McDonalds to give her a treat. She wanted an M&M McFlurry and I got a chocolate milkshake. I told her that if she wasn't finished when we got there, it wasn't a big deal because we had plenty of time and we'll sit in the car until she's done. As soon as I pull in the dr office, she spills the ice cream all over the floor of my car. We run in and get paper towels from the bathroom to clean it up. Her reasoning? "I spill stuff because I'm your daughter." Did she just say that I was clumsy?

Weight loss is back on track. Last week I kinda derailed for a bit while I was bouncing back and forth between the hospital, work and home and fighting with my mom and brothers. I've walked about 3 miles so far this week and have been watching what I eat. That milkshake yesterday messed up my whole day. 700 calories for that thing! Never again.

So... I think I'm going to do a 5k in September. There's a Color Vibe 5k coming to my area. I missed the Dirty Girl 5k Mudrun, but I want to do this one. I need to start preparing for it. You run/walk a course and get sprayed with color at every station. By the end of it, you're a colorful mess. It seems like a great goal for me to aim for.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

I'm sorry for my lack of posting... a lot has been going on and time is not on my side. We've started up softball practice, I have to leave work early for that. I spent most last week in hospital with my step dad. He was having chest pains and the doctors did every test they can think of and can't find much of anything. He has an enlarged heart and the main chamber does have problems with blood flow, but everything else if fine. He has zero blockage. They did an EKG, a stress test, a heart cath, an echo, shoved a camera down his throat and an MRI. I was there everyday. Took all my little brothers with me for the heart cath. They were a handful and full of giggles. After the cath we visited until I noticed his blood pressure was raising, so I took the boys home to let him rest. Tony ended up running outta gas on his way to work, so I had to go pick him up and take him. Lilly spent some time with my grandma and her father's mom. During all of this Josh and Seth were fighting. Seth was wanting to run off and disappear. Took me 2 whole days to calm him down. Then mom started up on him and Josh's wife did too. Took me another day to calm everyone down and explain to mom that she's wrong. Lots of stress last week.

Easter went ok. Spent the day up at moms in the rain and the mud. Hubby didn't go and we had a big fight over that. Didn't talk to him for 3 days after. Things are actually better now. He's been a bit more thoughtful. I just hope it lasts. Kids had fun. That morning they found all the eggs and enjoyed their baskets. The night before I was up late putting together the baskets and hiding eggs. We colored eggs, kids had a blast. The night before that I was putting together about 100 eggs to hide at moms.

Just lots of stuff. My diet suffered last week. Between spending most of my time at the hospital and all the stress, I didn't lose any weight. I was on my feet most of the week too. My joints are still killing me. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not 16 anymore. Weather is warming up, so I've been walking more. Lilly got sunburnt Saturday. She had practice and then we went to the playground, then we stayed outside all day. I washed my car, worked on the garden out front and the kids played like crazy.

Thanks to Pintrest, I have planned out what we are having for dinner for the rest of the month. Today is BBQ chicken thighs in the crock pot. I was wanting to grill them, but Lilly has practice today and I won't have time to cook. Now that I think about it, with practice and games, my dinner planning won't work out like I want.

Work is crazy. People are leaving. People are getting promoted that shouldn't. Everyone's moving around. I need another job. I am not happy here and its just adding to my stress.

Hopefully this week will be a bit less.. full... and I can relax just a little. We have practice tonight, a dr appt tomorrow and practice again Friday.. maybe Saturday too. Lilly's father is finally getting married on the 20th. Oh, yeah... during all this crap with my family fighting and my step dad in the hospital, he calls me up yelling at me for letting Lilly spend time with his mom without telling him. I told him that I don't need to tell him what I do with Lilly during my time with her. I was super busy, it was spring break and I didn't want her stuck at home. She's the one that called me up wanting to see Lilly. It was another big fight to add to my stress.

Took the kids to the store last night for a few things. I gave Lilly the list to read off to me while I pushed Zach in the cart. Zach started screaming and then Lilly kept going "bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread" and standing in front of the cart so I couldn't move it. I was DONE by the time we got out. And the store moved everything around, I couldn't find anything and ended up leaving without half the stuff we went for.

I need to learn to meditate or something...

I'll post pics of the kids Easter later today on another post... .if I remember.