Every Memorial Day, I dust off my tux and polish my patents for what some may consider the greatest party season of all; Wedding Season. I for one, disagree with this on many levels. First off, there is nothing fun about being obligated to spend a grand on airfare and hotels just to party with people that you haven’t seen in five years and won’t see for another ten more. Secondly, that number jumps to a cool two grand if you are in the wedding. Every guy has a pastel suit they will never wear again and every woman has 27 dressesthat look more like clown outfits…. I loved that movie, by the way – watch it before I watch The Notebook as a kind of warm-up for the emotions boiling over inside of me.

But the greatest social season began the day after Thanksgiving; Holiday Party Season. There are no obligations; only opportunities. There are company parties, house parties, ugly sweater parties, New Year’s parties, your friend’s company’s parties, potluck’s and Santa-con! There are MTM holiday parties, Shasky parties, strip club buffet parties, wait… those three are all one party. There is so much drinking to do and so little time. Much like the NFL playoffs, the season is short and there isn’t much room for error. It takes stamina to navigate though the grueling schedule.

Personally, I’m coming off my own company party and a friend’s company party last night. This was the most dangerous stretch of my season and it was all in week one. Trying to uphold the delicate balance between vodka soda and corporate resolve two nights in a row was something like throwing a two inning save in Game Six and then being asked to start Ggame Seven. I was keeping it together until some teetotaler came over and started talking about Delta and standard deviations and other things better left at the door. I had half a mind to reach up and pull him off of his high horse. Then I realized I would look ridiculous reaching for some guy sitting on a horse I couldn’t see.

Sweater A

Having put the early push behind me I figured I would give you all some mid season advice for all of the upcoming events we all have on our dockets as it is crucial to finish the 2012 season strong.

Ugly Sweater Party: There are ugly sweaters and there are ugly sweaters. Just because the party has a theme does not mean that you have the privilege of totally disregarding the sartorial aspects in life.

Sweater B

For example: Sweater A might work if your ugly sweater party is in Chelseaand you are looking to put more wood in your trunk, but otherwise you look like you are trying to get more wood for your trunk.Sweater B: We will call Sweater B the Sex Offender Special, or more simply: The Short Matt.

Sweater C

Sweater C is hip, cool and fits the ugly sweater motif without making you look like a… Short Matt.

Santa-con:
My personal favorite of the holiday parties, Santa –con, is an all day bar crawl wherein everyone dresses up in Christmas garb and there are a lot of drunk Ho ho hoes. But beware gents. When picking up reindeer there are some precautions you need to take. First off, you need to make sure that it is in fact a doe, a deer, a female deer. No one wants to bring home Ray and his drops of golden… you get the picture. Also, Wingmen beware! If your buddy is hitting on the front end of the two-person deer, her friend is in the back of the costume for a reason.

MTM Holiday Party:

Who am I kidding. This will be held in July at Belmont… That said, my only advice here is to come find Clancy and me and prevent us from bringing our wallets to the track. Frogging Karma shield.

Corporate Parties:
This is the most heinous of all parties. Reason being they are generally open bar and yet you have to keep your wits about you. The work holiday party is generally what is used to mark the coming year. Come July, people will still be talking about who had the lamp shade on their head the year before. Tuesday night, one of my co-workers punched another co-worker in the face because the other guy cut in front of him on water closet line. In his defense, he thought he heard the other guy say, “I need to get some head,” before rushing in the bathroom, when in fact he said, “I’m going to hit the head.” So, advice for corporate events? Don’t call the John the Head. I prefer Water Closet. No one wants to be the conversation piece for an entire year.

Cam James’ New Apartment Mixer:
Only Cookie and Lori are invited. I heard Angry Ward is hosting a knitting club the same day, so if the rest of you are bored can head on over there and pick up some sticks.