Entertainment. Humans are very good at stroking and scratching and throwing jingle balls. The only problem is that sometimes they want to stroke, scratch or throw jingle balls when the cat has more important things to do.

Vantage point. The height of humans means you can climb them (or have a well-trained one lift you up) so you can see further or from a different angle.

Scratching post or chew toy. For some reason humans seem to object to being used for these purposes, but they are eminently suitable.

Gardeners. Humans can plant and care for catnip. (Although they do insist on putting water on it, which makes it most uncomfortable for rolling in.)

Cleaners. Humans are very good at cleaning and changing litter.

Warmth. When it's very cold, cuddling up to a human can help you keep warm.

Protection. Believe it or not, humans can be fierce. Once, when a whole flock of those wretched mina birds were dive-bombing Mr Woof and me, Mum ran out with a broom and chased them off. (Of course, most of the time she's protecting Mr Woof from me, which isn't of any use whatsoever.)

Company. Even cats get lonely at times. After all, no cat is an island. Sometimes even an inferior animal like a human can make us feel less alone in the world.

So as you can see, despite all their drawbacks, there is a definite advantage to owning a human, or perhaps even two or three of them.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

"It's amazing the species (humanity) is not yet extinct."- Mr Bumpy, Bloggercat.

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Next in our series on "Understanding Humans" is the problem of their evolution. Something went seriously wrong in the evolution of humans, resulting in them being inferior to cats in almost every way. In fact, it is quite amazing that the species is not yet extinct, given how poorly adapted they are for survival.

Let's have a look at some of their shortcomings.

Their hair is inappropriately distributed. Instead of providing insulation and protection from the weather for their entire bodies, it is gathered together mostly in one clump on their heads. (Some don't even have that.) That provides so little protection, that humans have had to manufacture other coverings for themselves (sometimes wearing the fur of other species!)

Their claws are utterly useless. Sometimes they paint them red, to pretend they've got the blood of prey on them, but really, who could hunt with those fragile, blunt things?

They only know how to walk on two of their legs. This leaves them very unstable. If you run under their feet when they are walking, they lose their balance and can even fall over, because they just don't have the stability of having four feet on the ground.

They are so bad at personal grooming - that they need tools for it. They need water to bath themselves. They use a thing called a brush to tidy the little bit of hair they have.

They don't understand what is and is not food. They think things like birds and rats are friends and companions!

They have no basic survival skills. Mum could not climb a tree if her life depended on it.

They don't understand nutrition. They eat things called fruits and vegetables, that no sane cat would ever eat.

They insist that nights are for staying inside and sleeping, having no idea that night is the best prowling and hunting time.

There is only one evolutionary advantage I have observed in humans - they have thumbs. Thumbs are useful for tasks like opening cans, pouring Friskies out of the box, opening and pouring cream. I would like thumbs, but not if I had to have all the problems humans have as well.

Monday, 26 November 2012

Really? Was it something I said? I hope it was something I said. - Rupert Rat, Rat Collective Organiser.
Mum says she's going to start the Christmas baking. The Christmas baking is a big thing in our house. It takes a lot of work.

Well, the insult was that Mum said, it would be easier without a cat in the kitchen!

Can you believe that?

I am an asset any time, any where, and I especially know my way around the kitchen!

I am going to be shut out during the baking. How ridiculous is that?

So, if Mum offers you some of her gluten-free Christmas cake or pudding, don't take it. If I'm not around to supervise, she's going to mess it up. Humans never get anything right unless they have proper feline supervision.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Bumps is having a Caturday sleep in, so I'm doing the cat-it-orial. That's good, because I've got a question to ask you.

Does anyone know what an "unhealthy obsession" is? Mum says I have one, and she won't take me out at night because of it.

It's almost summer, and in the hot weather here in Brisbane, cane toads come out at night. If you don't have cane toads where you are, they're kind of like frogs, but bigger, wider, but flatter and really, really, ugly. They kill native animals. Oh, did I mention they're very poisonous?

I caught a cane toad once, when I was a much younger dog. That was the first time I ever visited the emergency after-hours V-E-T. I had to stay at the V-E-T overnight, and I was a very sick dog for a couple of days, but I survived and I was fine a week later.

Ever since then I've been very interested in cane toads. If I hear the kind of shuffling or rustling in the plants that says a cane toad might be there, I want to go for a closer look, a very close look. I try to catch them. I want to explain to them how mean it is that they poison animals.

But Mum won't let me near them. She picks me up and takes me away from them. And once the weather gets warm enough for them to be out of a night time, I'm not out of a night time.

It doesn't matter how much I need to go out. Mum won't let me. She says I have to hold on until morning or use the wee mats (those are for training puppies, not for respectable old dogs like me) she leaves in the laundry.

She says I have an "unhealthy obsession" with cane toads and she's keeping me in for my own good. I hate to say this about one of my humans, but I think she just doesn't want me to have any fun.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Eyeballs the Owl has had recently been captured and relocated from the British village he had been calling home.

He is a Eurasian Owl - the biggest breed of owl, with a wing span of about two metres - and definitely not native to the area.

There were some debate between the local residents over whether he was just a playful friend, or a danger to children and pets.

I wouldn't want to play with him. - Chester Rat.Me either. - Mr Woof, Doggsbody.
He was not afraid of people, and was happy to wander into people's lounge rooms, and to accept gifts of food from some of the local people.

It's not known how he came to be loose in Devon, and residents theorise he was released by a sanctuary or a private collector.

This is what happens when students don't keep Hogwarts up-to-date with their address. Delivery owls just get lost. - Mr Bumpy, Bloggercat.
Source: UK Daily Mail

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,now Bumpy Cat is here to stay,I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, there's a feline always stalking me,even when I go outside to wee,Bumpy pounces suddenly.Why he is so mean I don't know,it's just his way.It just seems so wrong,and I long for yesterday.Yesterday,I could lay out in the sun all day,Now I need a place to hide away,Oh I believe in yesterday.

This past week, some terrible things have happened to me. First, I was grounded completely for a whole day! And since then, the humans have been keeping the door shut, so I have to ask to be let in and out of the house!

Well, clearly this was someone's fault.

I did my best Sherlock Holmes impression. I examined all the evidence, and came to the only logical conclusion: Mr Woof was guilty. He even looked guilty.

Of course, I couldn't let him get away with that. I won't have that kind of disrespect in my dominion.

"Of course, you won't." - Chester Rat."Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Want to leave your tail next to our cage?" - Montgomery Rat."Tweeeeeet!" - Fang Budgie.
What I did was so incredibly awesome, I impressed even myself. I mean, I know I'm great, but this was better than great.

So I did this amazing two and a half metre pounce from the hallway to the lounge room, landing with my paws wrapped around Mr Woof, my claws in his back and my teeth in his neck.

"It hurt a lot." - Mr Woof.
I did a crocodile-style death-roll, turning him over three or four times. You should have seen it. He tried to put his paws up and push me away, but he's got arthritis and he's not strong enough for a young cat like me.

"You're mean." - Mr Woof."Yes, he is." - Montgomery Rat.
Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, Mum got me by the scruff of the neck and tried to pick me up. I was still hanging on to Mr Woof so strongly that she picked us both up by the scruff of my neck, and had to manually separate us.

Mum called me a "very bad cat", which is human for "you've done something incredibly awesome."

Mr Woof's been crying all day, and won't let Mum out of his sight. He even insisted on going to the bathroom with her.

Oh, what a great day! I am such an awesome cat!

Well, until we meet next time in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Well, that's Brisbane. Over in Britain, the public transport's so easy and affordable even the cats use it.

This awesome British cat, nicknamed Macavity, regularly catches the bus, always to and from the same stops.

Different bus drivers on the same route have encountered him. He seems a seasoned traveller who knows exactly what he's doing. He always gets on near some houses, and gets off at the next stop near a fish and chip shop.

I wonder if I could catch a bus to the fish and chip shop? Would I have to get a go-card? - Mr Bumpy
The Mr Bumpy Cat Dot Com animals all think Macavity is an awesome animal, and are very impressed that he can clearly do so well without human interference.

No-one is safe with that monster on the loose. When I'm out of the cage, I always stay with the humans, so that he will leave me alone. Oh, he gives me that look that says: "I'd love to have you for dinner", but he can't do anything about it.

The humans are getting tough with him lately. They decided to stop just leaving the courtyard door open for him. He's allowed out, but he has to ask nicely. Then he has to ask to come back inside. It's just about killing him!

And he knows if he kills anyone he will be grounded again like he was the day before yesterday. Even Mr 18's got tough with him about that, and Mr 18 will usually do anything Bumps asks.

All in all, I think things are getting better around here for everyone smaller than Mr Bumpy. The Rat Collective's been working for this for a very long time. It's so good the humans are on side.

While all the animals here at Mr Bumpy Cat think that Jasper's most happy about being able to walk without his "wheelchair", scientists are most excited that they might be able to use what he's helped the to find out in treating humans as well as dogs.

(Mr Bumpy couldn't use his back legs for a while after a paralysis tick bite - he says back legs are very, very, important.)

Monday, 19 November 2012

"Today's lizard was even bigger and fatter than this one,which Mum also took off me." - Mr Bumpy, Bloggercat.

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere.

I think it's time I had some new humans. These ones are getting extremely tiresome.

Twice today, they interfered in what I was doing.

The first time, I had a bird under the bed. Mr 18 and Miss 21 tried their best to get me out. They poked at me with brooms and everything. I just took my treasure further under the bed, and behind some boxes, where they had no hope of reaching me. They kept poking and telling me off though, and only gave up when they realised the bird was dead and they could do nothing to save it.

Later, I was carrying a very nice big lizard, when Mum caught me. She made me drop the lizard and tried to pick it up. The lizard tried to bite her and ran away from her, straight toward me. Mum yelled at me to leave it alone - but there was no way I was going to do that.

I went for the lizard and it turned and ran straight past Mum, with me right behind it. That's when Mr 18 got involved. He didn't try to catch the lizard. He caught me. Because I was so intent on chasing that escaping lizard I didn't take evasive action soon enough.

Mum rounded up the lizard. It wouldn't let her pick it up, but she managed to direct it out the back door. Then she closed the door!

I struggled down from Mr 18's arms and went to the door. "I need to go ooooowwwwwwt!" I yowled.

Mr 18 said, "No, Murder Cat, you're inside for the rest of the day."

Mum won't let me out either! And my lizard's out there!

The injustice of it all is just too much.

As I said, I'm planning to get rid of these humans at the earliest opportunity. I've had them for years, surely the contract's run out and I can get an upgrade.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Mr Bumpy's been teasing me, because I've been scared of the storms we've had here in Brisbane the past two days. But I'm right to be scared. Storms are very scary things.

Do you know what a storm is? It's when the sky is angry at you. The sky is a very, very big thing. The husky who mistook me for a squeaky toy once was big, but the sky's even bigger than him.

When the sky gets angry it growls. That's not the way I growl, but much louder. Louder than the lawn mower or the vacuum cleaner growls even. You have to be very angry and dangerous to growl like that.

It gets really dark. (Dark in the daytime is just not natural. There's something very dangerous about that.) And sometimes it has bright flashy lights in the middle of the dark. You don't know when it's going to happen, it's just all dark and suddenly everything is bright again, and straight away it's dark again. Usually there's an extra loud growl or even a really, really loud sharp bark from the sky with the flash of light.

Then the sky sprays water. You know, like Mum does with the water spray bottle if you're a bad dog. Only the sky sprays lots and lots of water. If I have to go out after a storm, the water in our yard can be half way up my legs.

Sometimes, the sky even throws ice cubes. You know what ice cubes are don't you? They're the hard cold things Mum sometimes gives us to play with on hot days. After a while they disappear and there's just water there. When Mum gives them to us, she just puts them on the ground in front of us. When the sky throws them, it throws heaps and heaps of them, really hard. They break things, and if you get caught out in the storm they can hurt you.

And the sky throws things around in a storm too - bits of trees and things that people leave outside get thrown all around the place. After one really big storm, when the sky was really mad, we had bits of someone else's carport in our yard.

So yes, I whimper and bark at storms. I am scared. (I think Bumps is too, whatever he says.) Storms are big and scary and dangerous.

What can a little dog like me do?

Well, the best thing to do is to be a very, very good dog, and not make the sky angry in the first place. But sometimes I'm really good and the sky still gets mad at me and I don't know why.

Once the sky is angry, there are only two safe places to be.

The first safe place is right next to a human, it's best if you can get them to pick you up and cuddle you. If the storm goes on for hours and hours (or two days like this one), maybe they'll want to put you down sometimes, but stay right with them and don't let them out of your sight.

If your human escapes, the next safest place to be is in your bed. Nothing bad can get you in your bed. (Well, Mr Bumpy's sneaked up and attacked me sometimes, but nothing else bad can get you in your bed.)

Right now, Mum's snuggled up on the couch with the furry blankey, so I'm staying right with her.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

As some of you may know Mum is sick. She has lupus. Recently she had to stop work because of this. Now, we're looking at maybe even having to move, because we can't afford the rent in this house any more, and because the house is too big for Mum to look after it.

I know that some of you think I take Mum for granted, but as far as humans go, she's OK, and I do want to help her out. After all, if she can't afford Friskies and stinky fish, I'm in trouble.

One of the things we're doing to try to help out this situation is to start doing sponsored blog posts where we can. That means that someone will pay for a cat-it-orial. Don't worry, you'll still hear from the animals at mrbumpycat.com - no-one will tell us what to say. (As if anyone could tell me what to say.) But at the end of a post, when it is sponsored, you will see a message to say who sponsored it. Somewhere through the cat-it-orial itself, you're likely to see a link to them as well.

Now, here's where things will really change. We need to list Mr Bumpy Cat with an agency that links sponsors with bloggers. The agency wants us to have only our own content - not things copied from other people, and to have a set theme for the blog. To do that, we will need to take out all the jokes, and just have our cat-it-orials and awesome animal stories.

Over the next few days, we are going to remove the jokes. Yes, I know, some of you may be unhappy with that. On the other paw, you'll get more of ME! And no-one can ever have too much of their favourite Supreme Feline Overlord, can they?

Losing the jokes is going to be very sad, but sometimes sacrifices must be made. How else is a bloggercat going to put mice on the table?

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

I have to report that Mum has been a very disobedient human, and I am very disappointed in her.

Today, we had a storm. It was a big one with lots of wind and ran and thunder and lightning. All Mum did about it was shut the windows and doors.

Well, I thought she should do more than that. This storm was happening without my approval. I yowled my displeasure, demanding that Mum make it stop. She did.... absolutely nothing! Really.

I yowled some more, insisting that she make the storm stop. She still did nothing! I bit her ankle to emphasise my point, and she still did absolutely nothing about the situation.

Now, I must stress here, that I was not afraid of the storm. I am not like Mr Woof who cried and whimpered and insisted that humans pick him up and cuddle him until the storm was gone. I do not get afraid of things like the weather.

I was not at all afraid. I was angry, that the storm would happen without my permission, and then that Mum would disobey me when I told her to make it stop.

What is this world coming to, when a Supreme Feline Overlord cannot get simple obedience?

It's all too much. I need some cream and a nap.

Until next time we meet in the boggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

I've had a really ruff day here today. Would you believe I had an extra morning today?

It happened like this. I woke Mum at about 5.30, because, well, I really, really needed to go outside. (Last time I did the cat-it-orial, Mum said it was bad manners to talk about my wees, so I can't tell you why I needed to go outside.) I really desperately needed to go, so Mum took me out.

When we came back in, she said we may as well start the day, so she turned on the radio and made her coffee.

The radio was talking about something called an "eclipse". It was very excited about it. Mum said, don't worry, it wasn't happening here, we'd only get 80 per cent, whatever that means.

If Mum tells me not to worry about something, I usually don't worry. Mum knows stuff, and if she's here, I'm safe. If I'm not safe, I can cry and she'll pick me up and then I'm really safe.

Well, it was a nice, bright clear morning. But then it started to get a bit darker. I thought it must be afternoon already. I was a bit worried, because I'd only been out once. I told Mum I needed to go out again. She said "Already? Oh, I suppose it's been an hour." And we went out.

Then we went inside, and looking, out it seemed to be even darker. What if it was almost bed time? I would need to go out again, just in case. (It gets hard to hold on all night sometimes.) I told Mum, I really, really needed to go out.

Mum sighed and took me out again. It was dark like a really, really cloudy day, or just before night time, but it wasn't cloudy. So it had to be nearly night time. I don't know why the day had gone so fast, but it did. It went really, really, fast.

I wanted to stay out as long as possible, because it was my last out time before bedtime. Mum said "come in", but I know when it's getting dark and I go in, I'm in for a long, long time. So I wouldn't go in.

But then something really strange happened. It stopped getting darker. I mean there was a late afternoon, but no night. Instead it started getting lighter again. And the next thing I knew it was another morning. Two mornings, without a night in between! Have you ever seen anything like it?

Someone played a trick on me. (I think it was Bumpy. It's the kind of mean thing he would do.)

It was all too much. I had to go and and have a long nap. I'd tried so hard to fit all of the day's out time in before night, but the night didn't happen.

So that was my strange, ruff day. I hope no-one's been playing mean tricks like that on you.

Saturday, 10 November 2012

By now, you've probably heard the rumour that Mr Bumpy is planning to run for Federal Parliament. Not only that, but he hopes to be Prime Minister, which means he's forming his own political party.

So, if you were thinking of voting for our Mr B, or even joining his party, I need to tell you exactly what he is like.

You see from this picture, I'm in a cage. It's not just me, it's the whole Rat Collective, and all of the residents of Budgie Towers. Everyone smaller than Mr Bumpy is in a cage. Do you know why? Because there's a risk Mr Bumpy will forget that we're not food.

Mr Woof isn't in a cage, and he gets sneak attacks from Mr Bumpy all the time. Someone as small as me wouldn't survive a sneak attack.

So our working conditions here at mrbumpycat.com are terrible. Oh, and the Rat Collective are paid peanuts (if we're lucky - if we're unlucky it's vegetables, but that's another story.)

Can you imagine what Australia would be like if Mr Bumpy ran the whole country, not just this one house?

Do you want these living conditions?

Mr Abbott may be complaining about the carbon tax and boats all the time, but there's a much bigger issue looming on the political horizon.

If you value your freedom (as in that you don't live in a cage), do not join Mr Bumpy's party, and do not vote for him.

Rupert Rat
Organiser,
The Rat Collective.

The Rat Collective sings:You don't eat me I'm part of the union.You don't eat me I'm part of the union.You don't eat me I'm part of the union.'til the day I die. 'til the day I die.

"No naps?" - Mr Bumpy.
And all that travel. Have you seen Ms Gillard on the news? She's always travelling somewhere to tell them how awesome Australia is. She must have to get so many needles - even humans get needles to go overseas. And Bumps hates needles as much as I do.

"Needles?" - Mr Bumpy.
And of course, needles mean trips to the V-E-T, so Bumps will spend half his life with a thermometer under his tail!

And some of those trips mean all day in a plane. Bumps hates the cat-box so much, but of course he won't fit human seat belts in the plane, so he's going to spend so much time in the cat-box.

"The WHAT!???!!!" - Mr Bumpy.
And all of that because he loves Australia so much. I am so proud of our Mr Bumpy right now. All those years he's been carrying on with his half-baked world domination plans, I thought he just wanted power. Now I realise he just wants the chance to serve the people.

"A chance to WHAT!!???!!!!" - Mr Bumpy.
And he's already got an election campaign going over on Twitter. Some of his minions have been recruiting voters, and some have even agreed to join his party.

Well, good on him. He's got my vote. Oh, wait. I'm a dog. I can't vote. Never mind. Think I'll go take a nap. I'm not a politician, you see. I've got all the time in the world to nap.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

You might already know this, but humans regularly have these things called "elections".

We had an election in our state earlier this year, and there's one happening over in America today.

The point of elections is to make people who are otherwise friends say rude words to each other, unfriend each other on social media, and just generally be miserable.

In fact, even after the election, my humans have been known to continue using rude words.

Elections are supposed to be about finding someone who can run things. The problem is that there's always a limited choice. It's only ever a choice of humans. Well, you see where the problem is, don't you?

After the election, some people are happy because they got the person they wanted, and the others are unhappy. Then the person elected does stuff, and then everyone's unhappy because they always do things that annoy someone. So by the time they reach the end of the time they've been elected for, they've upset just about everyone.

The reason for all of this? As I said, they're humans! They're always trying to do things and change things, and the more they do and change the more they mess things up.

So for that reason, I'm nominating in the next Federal election. I'm going to run as Prime Minister. I think that with a choice of Ms Gillard, Mr Abbott or me, most everyone would choose me. To start with, I'm far more attractive than either of them. I've never been accused of sexism or of stabbing anyone in the back. If I don't like anyone, I say straight up I don't like them, so I'm completely honest. (By the way, Mr Woof, I don't like you.)

Me? What did I do? - Mr Woof, doggsbody.
I also have better policies than they do. I believe in fair distribution of cream, careful management of the wild Friskies population and the legalisation of medical catnip. Although the very first thing I will do when I'm elected is to make being a flea or tick illegal. That will do away with the need for flea and tick treatments, and make life much better for everyone.

Of course, until I run for parliament, you'll have to put up with the human candidates. Good luck with that.

Until next time we meet in the Bloggosphere,
I remain,
Mr Bumpy,
Bloggercat,
Supreme Feline Overlord.

Books by Iris, available in paperback and ebook versions, from:

Patchwork

Patchwork is an anthology of short stories and poems by author and blogger Iris Carden. In this volume, you will deal with the aftermath of a dog bite in Bad Moon Rising, spend a sleepless night with The Possum in the Roof, and investigate a weird religious cult in The Time of Blood and Death. The print version of the book has a bonus story not in the eBook version.

Beside Still Waters

A book of sermons and brief reflections on Christian Scripture, by Rev Iris Carden. There is no specific order to the items in the book, they are intended to each be a "surprise" in that they are not related to the items around them. It is hoped that in each, the reader will find something new or special, or unexpected, a message from God. Rev Iris Carden has a Master's Degree in Theology and more than 10 years of experience as a Christian minister

Cat-it-orial

Mr Bumpy is such a talented cat, he even runs his own website: mrbumpycat.com. He is a blogger, and a very bad cat. His favourite hobby is world domination. His next hobby is harassing the humans and other animals he shares a home with. In this book, you can see the world through the eyes of a megalomanicat, and some of the other animals who share his home.

Group Meeting

(Novella) In a facility for people recovering from mental illness: a group of people with sinister pasts starts to be visited by a girl who doesn't exist.

Karlee

Failing author Terry Dixon is made an offer that seems unbelievable. He can have all of his problems solved, have everything he has ever wanted, for a price. The price is something that "will not be too difficult" for him to pay - but it is not specified what it actually will be. With bills mounting up and a deadline looming, Terry agrees to a deal with something he knows nothing about.

About the Author

Iris Carden is a retired Uniting Church minister and former journalist. Lupus forced her to stop working. On good days she writes.

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Bloggercat at Work

Mr Bumpy on the computer.

Lunch Break

It's not that hard - open fridge, get cat food.

About Mr Bumpy

My name's Mr Bumpy. I spend a lot of time on the computer. (The humans I allow to live with me sometimes complain about me being on the computer - but they're mere humans, what do they know?)

My greatest achievements to date are: throwing Miss C's mobile phone out the window during the night; explaining to the dog who is boss; putting a mouse in Mum's slipper; bringing a live snake into the house and playing with it under the birdcage; and getting my own cat biscuits out of the bag when the humans are too slow to do as they're told.

I do have some help with my blog here - my "Mum" a human named Iris does some of my typing for me. She's OK as humans go, so you might want to check out her blogs some time. And of course, there's a dog and some rats and budgies, but you're really not interested in them.

You can contact me (or any of the rest of the Mr Bumpy Cat Dot Com team) at: contact@mrbumpycat.com