While Brendon has retreated back to whatever dark place only the power of an Angelina Jolie-related story can draw him from, I have returned to you as mystery writer to make sure that you don’t remain ignorant to the fact that Katy Perry‘s vagina is once again being penetrated. TMZ reports:

The two were also spotted together at the music festival last weekend … and according to some reports, Katy was already referring to him as her “boyfriend.”

That music festival happens to be Coachella, where talented musicians — who most likely have wives and/or girlfriends at home — like Robert Ackroyd, guitarist for Florence + The Machine, get to have casual sex with less talented “musicians” like Katy Perry. It’s like Woodstock, only this time penicillin is no match for what they’ll be transmitting to their significant others.

Benny Medina is a high powered manager of celebrity clientele with a resume boasting not only JLo, but also Diddy and Tyra Banks amongst others. His rise to power most likely came from his ability to handle the gentle egos of pop stars by tactfully responding to the press about sensitive personal issues. Here’s his response to a question about Lopez’s boyfriend who is 18 years younger than her, via New York Post:

The thing that I always sort of wished is that she would give herself time to just naturally meet someone, instead of having obsessive guys pursue her,” says Medina. “The ease with which that obsession becomes a relationship I think sometimes works against her ability to have a real meaningful relationship.

Nicely done. So, JLo likes a completely superficial facade of a relationship based solely on a young man’s desire to boast to his friends about hitting that from behind. Check out the kid gloves Medina used on his past clients:

On Diddy’s famous “White Parties”:

I’ve always wanted to plan a lavish affair without having to be subtle about how much cocaine will be around, but I’ve never had anyone willing to attach their name to it.

On singer Brandy’s transportation needs:

Never, under any circumstances, give her the keys to anything with an engine.

Did I include shots of how Marc Anthony’s penis has been passing the time since JLo starting here? Yes, yes I did.

George Cloney getting arrested will probably be the biggest story of the day even though it wasn’t for something really macho like throwing a cell phone like a girl while wearing girl’s clothing. It’s important to point out that Clooney’s manager had a prepared statement for the press, so it’s likely that this whole incident was anticipated, if not intentional to heighten awareness of an important cause. via TMZ:

They were protesting the violence committed by the government of Sudan on its own innocent men, women and children. They were demanding they allow humanitarian aid into the country before it becomes the largest humanitarian crisis in the world.

The arrest follows Clooney’s testimony before Congress on Wednesday, where he points out the disgusting fact that the only way to get China to intervene (not for humanitarian purposes, mind you, but solely for their reliance on Sudanese oil) is from timely U.S. pressure. It’s time for America to go to bat for a worthy international cause and while we’re at it, let’s not for get to recognize what a sweet piece of ass(below) a geriatric can get just for being a fabulously wealthy and handsome actor. USA! USA!

At first I thought story about Lady Gaga “quitting the press,” whatever the hell that means, was total horseshit because vaginas don’t photograph themselves and I’m pretty certain that if hers isn’t in print once a month it seals up forever. Here’s part of the conversation between possibly the two biggest media whores of all time via AOL Music:

Other than this interview, Oprah, I do not intend to speak to anyone for a very long time,” the singer told the media mogul. “No press, no television, if my mom calls and says, ‘Did you hear about …’ I shut it all off … I don’t read a damn thing.

She continued, “Just like you Oprah, I’m retiring from the spotlight. From now on you’ll only see me producing other artists under a moniker plastered with my name but from time to time I’ll conduct exclusive interviews which will be heavily marketed and in actuality the only content anyone is still interested in from me. But other than that, completely off the radar.”

I’ll pause for a moment so all of the other single moms can put down their champagne glass and hand off their child to an army of Filipino housekeepers to get the scoop here. via Us Weekly:

I was back when the baby was only 6 or 7 weeks old so it was difficult,” the actress, 34, told Us Weekly about her return to the set at Mad Men’s Season 5 premiere in Hollywood Wednesday. “It was difficult to be a working mom and just juggling all of that. But everyone made it work and it was great.

To be honest this is an easily attacked line we hear from just about every celebrity mom, but in the case of an ice-hearted bitch whose illegitimate pregnancy almost broke up a marriage, it’s hard not to draw attention to it. Also, let’s not forget that January’s character on ‘Mad Men’ last season had about a collective half hour of screen time, so unless they left a ton on the cutting room floor (yes, I believe they still edit film reels with scissors while chain-smoking) I’m sure she wasn’t exactly putting in 16 hour days.

It’s no secret that Tim Burton no longer directs a film without casting his wife, Johnny Depp Helena Bonham Carter. There are a few other things that you can almost always count on from Tim, all of which appear in the new trailer for ‘Dark Shadows.’

- Recycled dark set pieces from ‘Edward Scissorhands,’ ‘Beetlejuice,’ ‘Batman,’ ‘Sleepy Hollow,’ ‘Sweeney Todd…’
- An awful, dry joke with a reaction shot of Johnny raising an eyebrow. (What a card!)
- 70′s funk and rock. Ok, admittedly this is not a consistent element of Burton’s films but warrants mention in this case because, seriously Barry fucking White?! At this point Depp should just be mugging directly to the camera with a line like “If they think Nixon is bad, wait’ll they get a loada me.”

Oh look, Eva Green is in this movie and has fantastic breasts, so at least there’s that.