Majority of this blog is about adoption loss. I am also the Mom to a 21 year old son and a 16 year old son. I am fresh out of adoption related topics so I will use this blog to write just about whatever is going on in my life and may throw in adoption and reunion in here when the urge hits me. I recently went thru a bad divorce. I know it was quick but I found love and that has brought me much needed happiness. I may write about my relationship at times.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

My relationship with Izzy has impacted my weight loss in many ways and overall has changed my outlook on life.

I used to have really bad self esteem. It wasn't just weight related. I thought I was very ugly. I really didn't like anything about myself.
When I spotted pictures of my daughter and later met her it became hard to really think of myself as ugly since we looked so much alike.

I espeially hated getting my picture taken with my hair up cause I had an ugly face. I still rather have my hair down but now I can see my nice features and not think ill of myself. I always thought I had a horrible smile. Sometimes, I still do think that my smile sucks when posing for pictures.

I think Izzy sometimes has that same weird expression on her face and I love it.

My self worth as a person and Mother has improved quite a bit. I had taken the rejection of my letters and contact of Izzy's parents and had become to believe that I was worthless. I never believed I didn't deserve to know my daughter but it was all about me. What she could give me and not what I could give her cause I had nothing to offer since I was worthless.

Being in a relationship with Izzy at times was hard. I wanted EVERYTHING now!! I had to learn to accept what she had to offer on her timing. I threw myself into volunteering for MELD and the nusery and also Zumba.

The picture above was my first zumbathon. I was pretty new to zumba and also overcame a huge hurdle by going to the zumbathon at the school that I was attending when I was in labor and went thru the remaining of the year denying my daughter. It was the beginning of the secret and shame. Going back was huge to me and was in some ways.. saying I came out alive. The memories are there but don't haunt me anymore.

I think the biggest area of impact having Izzy in my life was getting off the day to day emotional roller coaster of not knowing about my daughter, being sad cause I don't know, being pissed cause I don't know and being angry cause no one seems to care or understand.

I slowly started being able to share my reunion story with friends and some family and didn't feel the need to eat to sooth my aching heart. I am not perfect. I still like the taste of cookies and candy too much. I still feel the urge to eat sometimes when stressed. So I still need to remember to behave myself.

I think the most important part of my weight loss has been getting a better handle on my emotional health and I started living again.

Above is a picture of me with my two sons on my birthday. I seen Izzy that day too. It was a nice birthday.

Above is a picture of my and my sons showing I still eat ice cream!! Yum!!

Above is my most recent picture of me at 80lbs down. I believe at the moment I am just aiming for ten more pounds off. If I can make it then I will have gone from 272 lbs to about 180lbs! I went from a size 20 and as of right now some 8's fit me. I would like to get most 8's to fit me so I can wear the clothes that I bought blindly cause they were on sale.

I admit that if I don't lose the next ten lbs I will probably still be happy. I have come a long way and I can't forget that. The important thing is to not go backwards and put the weight back on.

I honestly don't know if I could have just picked this lifestyle up before reunion. I used food for comfort and used lots of it.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

I have spent the majority of my adult life overweight. I can't pinpoint a time where I was a normal weight. I would say that it was probably before Izzy was born. I know I did slim down a little bit after her birth.. but then in 1994 just three years later I had my son Alex and from then on for the majority of the time I was big.

I went thru different stages of being fat and okay with it and being fat and crying because I didn't want to be fat. I feared my husband at the time didn'nt love me the way that I was. I always imagined he loved skinny woman. I won't get into why I felt this way.

My highest non pregnancy weight I believe was 272lbs. It seemed like this is where my body was comfortable sitting. Sometimes, it's easy to fool yourself and just say well... at least I am not gaining weight. The picture above isn't from my first marriage cause I don't have too many digital forms of that. Before the 272 lbs.. my comfortable spot was probably 250lbs... at least I am not gaining... see how that works right?

I am at 80lbs lost as of right now. but this isn't my first attempt to lose weight. In the picture below I had lost 50lbs with the help of a diet place. My husband (ex now) were friends with an couple and they told me how she had lost weight using them.

I am unsure of how much I actually weighed here. So I am unsure if I am over this or under this. I just know that I was under 200lbs in this picture.

I can't really pin point when I gained the 50 plus pounds.. I believe it was after I got with my second husband. I lost my gym membership. Even with paying someone to help me lose weight.. I don't think I ever really learned the ins and out of the amound of calories in food or did I deal with my emotional eating.

I believed my weight got out of hand due to a few reasons.. One being out of hand food portions.. 2 being emotional eating when sad, mad ect... 3 being too much take out food.. sort of goes hand and hand with 1 and 2 though.

I did a lot of secret eating like eating fast food on the way to work or stopping for a soda and my friend little Debbie. I was never in the excess of like getting more food than one person could eat or like buying a whole box of my friends but in addition to all my other food it was all over and above the food that I needed to eat.

I always felt rotten after eating McDonald's on the way to work and then dinner too or eating one of my friends that we are not all that little. I never knew the calorie counts but knew it couldn't always be good. I would always tell myself tomorrow is the day that I will quit driving thru the drive thru and get buying the Little Debbies in hiding.

But tomorrow kept geting put off until tomorrow and I was feeling horrible. I wasn't happy. But at the same time.. I felt like my husband pissed me off I deserve McDonald's to make me feel better.. or I miss Izzy and he pissed me off... now I deserve burger king for my breakfast after my breakfast and don't forget my pop tarts that I get everyday before my 24 hour shift..

I am still a work in process. Work still makes me feel like I need something to treat myself for the job I do. At times.. I still want sweets cause I like them. I will finish this post up another day cause it's getting too long. I will try to focus more on how reunion has helped shaped my weight loss.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I been thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving has been cancled due to work on both my husband and mines job. It sort of depressed me. Why does money have to be so important to rule? Most likely I won't work much of my 12 hours but get paid for it. So I can't plan an holiday around what can or might not happen. I have asked my son's Dad if he would like him for the holiday and said he said yes.

I did make arrangements to have Stephen with me on the Sunday my chuch does a Thanksgiving dinner so that will be our holiday.

I been thinking about wondering how the first Christmas without Alex at home will play out? Will he get some time off and want to spend some tme at home? Will I be able to have sometime off? Will he just come in for the holiday.

I have discovered a couple ideas for Christmas gifts that I am thinking of trying to do for new Christmas traditions.

One was a Christmas eve box. It had new pj's, a Christmas movie and some snacks for the movie. I love this idea but not sure if I will have Stephen home or not so the divorce sort of robs me out of some Christmas traditions. We normally do one has Christmas even and part of Christmas day ( mostly goes to the other parent pretty early in the morning) We don't really keep track of who had what part of the holiday but more so goes about who has what going on.

Today, I read about a Mom making Christmas not so bucy with commitments of parties ect. We don't normally have too big of an issue there.. but another thing they did to save from overspending was to tell the kids to give them ideas on four gifts.. what they want, what they can wear and what they can read?

I love that idea. I am not sure I would stick excactly to that but would love to tone my spending down and get close to it.

I don't know if my little sister will come home or not from school. I thought up the idea of her and I baking lots of Christmas cookies and gifting them to our family so she doesn't feel guilty about not having money for gifts. She loves to buy gifts and doesn't have a job due to going to school right now.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

There hasn't been much going on lately. Nothing new and exciting really. I been working on my fundraising and I have sold 355.00 dollars of stuff. We get 40 to 50% of that. It's been a little fun imaging I am beating Stephen's father at it. I have had a lot of people willing to help by buying something so that's been good.

My job is going good but one of my clients is becoming more high needs and hasn't been well. The other is just sweet and annoying at the same time. Haha.

My husband's job is going but I wonder for how long. He works for a gas station that has been out of gas for a few weeks if not longer. I guess it's somewhat normal so hoping the guy doesn't fold it up and move on.

Alex is going to be 19 this month! Not sure what I will be doing for him yet.

We have Thanksgiving coming up. We are not sure what's going on. We both might be working so we will probably most likely offer Stephen up to his Dad for the holiday. I hate working holidays. Not so much cause I want the celebrations but I don't want to babysit an empty house or deal with family crap. People get weird when the clients are paying nearly 50 an hour. Of course I don't see that much of it. I forget.. it double my normal pay or time and half. but let's just say either way I don't get half.

Stephen's doctor has referred us to take him to a dietian for his eating habits. So I am excited that maybe we might get somewhere. I would like to see him shape up a bit since he will have to do a lot of walking on his Washington D.C trip.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I have sold almost 200 dollars of stuff for my son's fundraising!! We get about half of that towards his trip! I am not good at selling stuff but am going much better than I thought I would do. My son's father is doing it too and it's kind of fun to see who sells most items.

My offer still stands.. donate a dollar towards his trip and I run a mile! My fitbit helps track my miles.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I have posted below that my family is trying to help raise some of the cost of my son's trip to Washington D.C. It's possible we bit off more than we can chew in our desire to send my son on a once in a lifetime educational trip.

If your not into buying anything from the website beloew. I have another way you could help send my son in a much smaller way.

For a dollar that gets donated thru my blog I will run a mile in the cold during the winter. I actually have an appointment with an group that collects running gear and donates it so I am excited to get running again.

Monday, November 4, 2013

We are trying to raise money that will help fund some of my son's trip to Washington D.C. The fundraising will run to december 4th and can be shipped to your address. This would be perfect timing for Christmas baking and Christmas gifts. Please consider taking a look and if you see anything you would like consider purchasing from this website to help send my son on a once and life time trip.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

I have decided that it's best that for the moment I leave things between Izzy's Mom and me alone. I decided this due to three reasons.

1. Being my insecuities that I feel about motherhood in general and just don't think I am ready to deal with her face to face.
2. Being that Izzy has been really busy visiting her brother who just graduated from bootcamp and just feel that I don't want to complicate things or put pressure on Izzy at all.
3. I am just not all that sure what I would say to her in person. I am thinking it could be somewhat of uncomfortable situation and feel it's best that at the moment I just continue the little dance on facebook I think Izzy's Mom and I are doing with each other.

Nothing says six months or a year from now... these issues won't be issues or as strong of issues but the moment they are my truths. I like the term "my truths" cause I realize some thought processes could all be in my head but it's just my reality.

Maybe someday Izzy's Mother and I will be friends.. The truth is that I just don't know her. We do have one thing in common and that is "our daughter" or "her daughter" or "my daughter" We both have Izzy's best interests at heart.

So for right now. I am just going to try to be happy with the one visit I got while she is/was here in town and continue to love her from afar.

Friday, November 1, 2013

I seen Izzy a couple nights ago. I haven't blogged about it in my private blog but I will do it soon. I have been tossing the idea of asking to meet Izzy's Mom or Mom and Dad in my head while Izzy is here is town.

So far tossing it around is as far as I have gotten. I am really torn if it's a right move to do or is it best to leave things the way they are as of right now.

I will say that I posted a picture of me and Izzy together on facebook and her Mom liked the picture. She has also liked a few comments that I have written on various status of Izzy's.

This makes me think that her family has warmed up to me or the idea of me and might not be as quick to push me off that cliff. But then I really don't know that they would have ever shoved me off at all. It's all in my head imagining how they feel about me. Truth is that I know nothing. All I have is what my imagination and self worth has put the ideas in my head. I do have the ignored letters so that's not in my head.

My feelings of dislike is fading little bit by bit of Izzy's parents. It's not that I don't or won't feel jealous. I am only human after all. A visit does leave me happy but also wishing for more.

I am a little worried that meeting Izzy's parents would feel like I would be judged on what kind of Mother I am or let's have a discussion about if Izzy has had a better life that I would have gave her. Again it all is probably in my head but the fear is real.

Right now Izzy's brother is graduating from boot camp so if we compare children's sucesses right now they win hands down.

Izzy is getting married in two years so sooner or later we will all probably meet each other. I don't know if this is one of those things I should just see if Izzy brings it up or not. Most likely I won't bring it up cause I am really on the fence about it but it is on my mind.

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If anyone ever wants to talk to me directly without being in the spotlight of the blog you can contact me at birthmomtalks@gmail.com Please if your a blogger leave me your blog website so I have an better idea of who I am talking to.

About Me

At the young age of 15 years old. I had a baby girl and was pushed to choose adoption. I was uneducated and uninformed on how there are different types of adoption. It has been a long lonely road as a birthmother and forever damaged the relationship I have with my Mom. I write two blogs. One I keep a little more private than the other.