PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

CEDAR PLAINS, PA—After years of delays and mounting criticism from voters and political pundits, President Barack Obama finally followed through on a campaign promise he made in 2008 to spend one night alone in the abandoned Cedar Plains Family Fun amusement park, sources confirmed Wednesday.

ST. PAUL, MN—Wondering how anyone could read the articles in such publications and not recognize them as “total establishment propaganda,” local man Mark Furlong, a longtime reader of Lib-Slaves.info, told reporters Monday he was sick and tired of the obvious mainstream biases on news sites like WideAwakePatriot.com.

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

LOS ANGELES—Citing statistics that showed a sharp decline in the number of pageviews and unique users over the past week, media industry observers noted Thursday that traffic to Breitbart.com, the right-wing current affairs and opinion website, has continued to fall as more readers begin getting their news analysis from graffiti scrawled throughout their neighborhoods.

ASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month.

WASHINGTON—Saying the new effort would help them make critical inroads with low-income rural voters following a stunning election loss last week, the Democratic National Committee announced the launch of a new Hamilton-inspired web series Tuesday starring Lena Dunham intended to connect with working-class Americans and address their most pressing concerns.

NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed.

DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting.

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

NEW YORK—Declaring that they would work tirelessly to hold both figures to account, the nation’s media outlets pledged Thursday that they would not relent in providing evenhanded criticism of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton over the next four years.

ITHACA, NY—In the hours since the Republican nominee’s stunning election to the nation’s highest office Tuesday night, reports have confirmed that, regardless of circumstance, it is not even remotely close to okay to act like Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they felt completely depleted after spending the past 36 hours contemplating a Donald Trump presidency, Americans across the country admitted Thursday they were unsure whether they would have enough revulsion and horror left in them to agonize over his forthcoming cabinet and court appointments.

Exiled American King Triumphantly Returns To Washington

WASHINGTON, DC—After nearly three decades in exile, King William IV returned to the U.S. to reclaim his throne Monday.

King William IV greets his subjects upon his return to Washington.

"Good people of America," said the newly restored monarch, speaking from a White House balcony. "Let the word be spread throughout the land that your king has returned."

"Prepare a feast!" added His Majesty amid a fanfare of trumpets.

Citizens were overjoyed by the monarchic restoration.

"Huzzah!" said Diane Sowell of State College, PA. "At long last, we are rid of that corrupt, antiquated system of government known as democracy, a system that has done nothing but maintain the status quo of political inequality, economic stagnation, and social injustice. Our good king will change all that."

Overthrown in 1973 by democratic extremists, King William fled to the Mediterranean island of Malta, where he had lived for the past 29 years. Throughout his time in exile, the king closely monitored the political climate in America, waiting for the right moment to return. When word of the Sept. 11 attacks reached him, he decided he could wait no longer. Assembling a small traveling party, he set sail across the Atlantic to reclaim his throne.

On Aug. 20, following a months-long, detour-filled odyssey over land and sea, the king and his traveling companions arrived at Annapolis, MD, where he revealed his true identity to a naval detachment and persuaded it to accompany him to Washington. As the royal entourage neared the capital, word spread that the long-deposed monarch was on his way back. By the time William reached the D.C. city limits Monday, an estimated 400,000 elated supporters had amassed along the banks of the Potomac River to show their support for the bloodless coup.

"My devoted subjects, the time has come to right a great wrong so many years old," the sovereign told the cheering crowd. "Scores remain to be settled and, in time, all will receive their due. But for now, let the word go forth that your king is come."

Marching up the National Mall flanked by a 2,500-unit regiment of loyalist troops, King William entered the National Archives, where he smashed a display case with his wooden staff and retook the crown, scepter, and red-white-and-blue ermine robes of his office.

The king then stormed into the Capitol building, the former site of the Royal Aviary, and announced his return, formally dissolving Congress by royal decree. He ordered all legislators to return to their homes, with the exception of Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC), whom the king locked in the royal dungeon for his role in the 1973 ouster.

According to a spokesman for King William, the 50 state governors will be permitted to retain their posts under the revised title of Lord until further notice from the Crown. President Bush will also be allowed to retain his title, though he will function in a figurehead capacity with no real power.

Buoyed by the news of the restored constitutional monarchy, the Dow Jones soared past 14,000 Monday. Minutes after the closing bell, however, the resurrected Ministry of Finance closed down the stock market, announcing that the generosity of the Royal Treasury will provide for all.

Beltway pundits see the restoration as a welcome development.

"Under democracy, millions of needy Americans slipped through the cracks," McLaughlin Group commentator Eleanor Clift said. "King William will, by God's grace, see all monies fairly distributed, and the truly deserving will be helped."

Chris Matthews, host of MSNBC's Hardball, applauded the king's return but questioned some of his policies. "As much as I support welfare reform," Matthews said, "replacing it with a nationwide network of debtor's prisons, as His Majesty plans, strikes me as a little extreme. Still, it can't be much worse than what we've had."

"Our nation is whole once more," said King William, speaking from his horse-drawn carriage during a procession down Pennsylvania Avenue. "God save the king of these good United States of America."