Catching Up With Me

Posted on: April 20th, 2015

I was twelve years old when I vividly recall my grandfather walking towards me and for the first time placing his hands on me. I was stunned and paralyzed. Each time that we would visit him (or have a sleepover) and when we were alone he would touch me, kiss me, lick my ears, invite me to the bed. I can still see the glister in his eyes, boyish, like he was ‘alive’. I tried to avoid being alone with him. My cousin knows, she’d even witnessed some of it. Her and I are very close and she means more to me than I can tell. But I never told my mother or anyone else. I could never hurt her like that. I’m afraid that the knowledge of what her father did to me, will cause her so much sadness that she wouldn’t be able to bear it. And there is this fear that my family will think that I’m making it up, or seeking for attention and that it will tear them apart. They are the most important thing in my life. And if protecting them means keeping this secret, then I will.

But it makes me feel so alone…

The worst part is the guilt. I’ve never dare to admit this, but in a dark and twisted way a part of me liked the ‘positive attention’. My grandfather was a very stirn man and you couldn’t do much right with him. And for some reason I’d always longed for his approval. When he started touching me, I hated it, I felt disgusting. And at the same time he made me feel kind of special. And that makes me hate myself. I can’t blame him. I blame me. Every time that I think badly about him, or have a nightmare about him, I feel so guilty and bad. It’s my fault, cause I didn’t tell him no or stop. Or at least not in the beginning.
A couple years ago he has passed away, and left me with so many questions and conflicting feelings..
I’ve gotta boyfriend now and (crazy enough) I recently realized that having sex has never been about ‘love’ for me. I can’t even remember the first time I had sex with him. It’s one big blur, and when I think about it my mind blocks. I just remember that the television was on and he wanted to turn it off, because it wasn’t romantic otherwise. But I really didn’t want to turn it off, because than I had nothing that I could focus on (that could distract me).

What scares me, is that I’ve got many of these blurred memories of my childhood (someone standing in my room, someone lying next to me in bed, waking up with blood on my bed, someone asking me if I like it). I’m scared that more has happened to me than I can actively remember.

My boyfriend tells me that I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, screaming (saying that I thought there was a man in my room). But the next morning I have no recollection of it.

Our relationship is not going to well. I don’t want to have sex. But I can’t explain my boyfriend the reason why. And I can see him getting frustrated, searching for a reason, and asking me if anything has happened. Sometimes it turns out in an argument, and without really knowing he puts pressure on me to sleep with him. I know it’s not fair to him, but sometimes, to avoid suspicion or argues, I take a deep breath and we have sex. But all I wanna do in that moment is hit him and fight him. I become so aggressive, and it cost me so much effort, to inhibit that urge. Instead I’m trying to let him see that I “enjoy” it. This internal battle is killing me. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I can’t hold back the tears, so I have to wipe them away in the hope that he won’t notice. And till now, fortunately, he hasn’t. But I’m afraid that one of these days, he’ll see it and he’ll learn my secret.

5 comments

One important thing I should start off with is that you are very brave and strong for going through this alone, although I think you should tell someone about it. Don’t ever blame yourself for being sexually abused because it was clearly not your fault, it was your grandfather’s. You were an innocent little girl who placed trust in her grandfather who was supposed to love her like any other grandfather would. I can definitely understand that you always longed for his approval or perhaps the approval of a male figure in the household if you werent getting that attention from your father. Coming from a psych background, I would just like to let you know that there are plenty of victims who hesitate and are frightened about telling the truth, but you have to wonder who else he has done this to and whether there may be more possible victims in the future, like younger cousins in the family. Maybe you could start off by opening up to your boyfriend if you feel you trust him enough. You also stated that your cousin was there as well, she might be frightened to speak the truth but after seeing that you did, she may possibly decide to back you up as well. Victims of sexual abuse are usually frightened to seek help in a therapeutic setting but I can assure you that it will remove a load off your shoulders and will help your future relationships as well. You won’t ever be judged and I can assure you that! I really wish u the best of luck!

Thank you for your words! I feel that there’s a lot for me to think about. But I really appreciate it that you took the time and effort to read and think about my story and to share your view. It makes me feel less alone in this.

You are so courageous and brave for sharing your story with Brave Miss World. I want you to know that everything you wrote makes a lot of sense and I am sure that many survivors of child sexual abuse can see part of their journey in yours. It is really common for survivors of child sexual abuse to be confused about the attention. It is perfectly natural and normal to feel what you felt. This doesn’t make it your fault, it makes you a normal person! It may seem surprising, but even what you wrote about your relationship with your current boyfriend is perfectly normal.

If there is anything I’ve learned on my own journey it is that the shame is not yours to carry. It never was in the first place and it doesn’t have to be now. What happened to you is not your fault and it doesn’t have to define you. It is not who you are. Only you can decide what is right for you, but I can assure you that the most freeing feeling in the world is no loner hiding the secret. Trying to protect others only hurts you in the end and whether others believe you or not is ultimately up to them.

You are beautiful inside and out and you will overcome this. The internal battles and silence you experience will not make it go away. So, my hope for you is that sharing your story here empowers and inspires you to no longer live in silence. You are so strong and you are a testament to the strength survivors have.

Know that sharing your secret will only free you and make you stronger. I am keeping you in my thoughts as you figure all of this out. I stand in solidarity with you.

Thank you so much for your respons. I’ve never shared this before and your sweet words are bringing tears to my eyes. Just to read that it’s normal what I feel, and just being heard, means so much to me and already makes me feel less alone!

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