After years of drugs, jail time and half-assed sobriety, I’d had it with my brother.

No matter how much support I offered. No matter how much I worried. And no matter how many times I told him I’d help him find the best rehab whenever he was ready, it never changed a damn thing.

He kept pushing me away, blaming me for everything that was wrong with his life and sinking deeper into the dark.

I knew that it was time for me to make a big decision. Do I totally disconnect from my brother and let him live out his life or do I continue to put up with his nonsense?

If you’ve ever been so frustrated by your sibling’s drug or alcohol addiction that you considered disconnecting from them, today’s post is for you.

I’m sharing the three questions that helped me figure out what to do about my relationship with my brother. My hope is that these questions will give you the answers you need to figure out the best road to take with your loved one.

After you’ve read through today’s post, I’d love to hear from you.

If you’ve ever considered totally disconnecting from an addicted sibling how did you do it? Or did you?

Remember, your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read.

As always, thanks for being a part of this community. I appreciate you!

Until Next Tuesday.

xx-dawn

P.S. Even though today’s post is coming through the lens of siblings, there’s plenty here to apply and learn. No matter what your relationship with the addict or alcoholic is.

***

#1 What Patterns Do We Keep Repeating?

Through the years I’ve learned that patterns exist in every relationship.

The way that we interact with people in our lives is based largely on a bunch of conditioned responses.

And becoming aware of those responses and recognizing the patterns can help you find the issues in your relationship that need attention.

This kind of awareness can also help you decide when and if it’s time to walk away.

Once I started to pay attention to them, the patterns between my brother and I became clear.

For example. My brother and I would lose contact for years while he was using. He’d get sober, or claim to be sober, and then randomly show up in my life.

He’d make empty promises that I fell for over and over again. And within six months he’d typically disappear from my life without any explanation or contact information.

I’d be disappointed, hurt, sad, full of blame and angry. It wasn’t until I got tired of riding the emotional roller coaster that I started to examine the pattern between us.

Once I recognized it I asked myself questions like, Is this a pattern I want to keep repeating? Is this something my brother and I can fix? And if not then what can I do to make this situation better for me? Can I rely on my brother to be part of that?

#2 Am I Safe In His Life?

The last time I saw my brother he was living in a crack house.

I remember showing up at the address he gave me, taking one look at the rotted planks of wood barricading the door and wanting to run away screaming.

I knew immediately that I wouldn’t be safe there but I had to stay the night. I had no other way to get back home.

It was then that I realized that my brother’s life was not a safe place for me to be.

And if I couldn’t be safe in my brother’s life then I couldn’t be in it.

If being in your loved one’s life means that your physical, mental or emotional safety will be compromised, then it may be time to walk away.

#3 Does He Respect My No?

One of the many times my brother was in jail I sent him a card. I wanted him to know that I hadn’t forgotten about him and that I believed in him.

His response? “You bitch, why didn’t you put money in the card?”

Clearly, my brother did not respect my no.

Respecting someone’s no, is really about respecting someone’s boundaries. Whether you make it clear that your brother can’t show up to your house drunk. Or that your sister can no longer verbally abuse you – your no, just like your safety, is not up for negotiation.

***

I took my time answering these three questions. And after some thought I decided that it was time to step out of my brother’s life.

Before I did, I told him that whenever he was ready for rehab I’d be right there to help and support him.

It was a painful decision to make. But one that I needed for my health and well-being.

Out of all the relationships I’ve lost to addiction, my relationship with my brother has by far been the most painful. And it’s definitely the one that I’ve lost the most sleep over.

But despite that pain here’s what I know. As loved ones of addicts and alcoholics we often put up with tuns because we’re afraid of what might happen if we don’t.

If you feel that fear just know that you’re not alone. Unless there’s a crisis sitting in your lap at this very moment, pace yourself and keep it simple.

Take out a journal or just a simple piece of paper and think through these questions. Nothing you decide has to be forever. Situations can change in an instant. Here’s hoping that they change for the better.

“Parents, families, friends, I present to you our nation’s newest Marines.” The Depot Commanding Officer said to the crowd. “The Marines of Golf Company, July 2005.”

Our family – mom, dad, my new wife and I had traveled from Utah to be there to watch my younger brother Grant become a United States Marine.

It was exactly the type of San Diego morning you see in pictures that show the sun setting over the ocean waves. Most people would love to live in a place like this. Now my brother and I would spend the next four years calling San Diego home.

I was a new Marine myself, only three months further into my career than my younger brother. I had enlisted shortly after him but because I had already graduated from high school, I left for boot camp before he did in January 2005. He finished up his senior year of high school a semester early and left for boot camp in April of 2005.

International Ping Pong Championship. Tom (left) and Grant (right)

It’s just the two boys in our family, me and Grant and we’re a couple years apart. We grew up playing sports and video games together, hiking in the summer and snowboarding in the winter. We also spent time battling each other in epic, best of 17 ping pong tournaments. Grant could always find a way to beat me except on my best days.

Now we were both United States Marines, just like our dad. Early in my Marine Corps career I loved being a Marine for two reasons. Number one – I got to be a part of something bigger than myself and number two – it was going to be the thing that helped me leave addiction behind for good.

My addiction started in high school when Grant was only 11 years old. I started using pain pills on the weekends because it made me feel good and by the time Grant joined the Marines, and suggested I should do the same, I was addicted to heroin and cocaine. (Something I decided to leave off of my application form to the Marine Corps.)

When Grant learned that I was addicted to drugs he tried help in any way that he could think of. He would ask me what was going on. He would ask me if there was anything he could do. I would give him answers like, “It’s nothing to worry about, just having fun” or “I’m working on it, you wouldn’t understand.”

Finally, as high school was coming to an end for him, my brother wanted so badly to help me that he gave up any career choice in his life for the next four years. Instead of going college or pursuing other interests that he had, my brother joined the Marine Corps.

Tom (left) and Grant (right) in Kuwait

During his four year contract he served two tours in Iraq and came home in more pain than I was ever in. He did this because he knew that I would follow him there (which I did) and he believed that it would be my way out of addiction.

When he told me that I was the reason he joined the Marine Corps it caught me completely off guard. At the time he told me, I wouldn’t have ever considered doing something like that for him or anyone else.

You see, it turns out that the Marine Corps hadn’t “fixed” me. Even though I had done better and stayed away from drugs while I was in California for the most part, I almost immediately started binge using when I would come home for vacation, three or four times a year. I was still living a double life immersed in the selfishness of addiction, to the detriment of my wife, parents, and my little brother.

It’s a vulnerable place to look up to your younger brother when you think it should’ve been the other way around, but I do. I look up to him because this is who he is and what he is willing to do, not just for family but for anyone he loves.

Now, four years after finally overcoming my drug addiction, I decided to write a letter to my brother. I wrote it because I want him to know that even though we have a great relationship now, I know that it doesn’t erase the past. I wanted him to know that I’m trying to understand what he went through.

Hopefully this letter will help him know that I no longer take his love for granted.

Hopefully it is one more piece to building a relationship that he knows he can always count on.

***

Dear Grant-

I never talked to you about my addiction. Instead you got to see the wreckage it left behind in the wake of each broken promise.

Lately I’ve tried to imagine what you must have felt watching me destroy myself and devastate our family.

I think about how painful it must have been to watch your older brother fall into a life of addiction where looking up to him was no longer possible.

I think about how angry you must have been when you came home to find money stolen from your room.

I think about how embarrassing it must have been to be judged by others because of the things I was doing.

Did you feel helpless when you couldn’t even talk to anyone about my drug use?

I think about what it must have been like to lose any real contact with the brother who you grew up wrestling with on the living room floor until something got knocked off the table and broken.

You no longer had the brother who was your comrade during Christmas Eve 1 AM reconnaissance missions past mom and dad’s room.

At what point did you lose the brother that you could tell things to that you couldn’t tell anyone else in the world?

What an excruciating loss to have someone that you love, like only a sibling can, still in the next room but who was not really there at all.

Grant, I’m sorry for the pain my choices forced you to endure.

I’m sorry for the nights you worried about whether or not you would see your brother again.

I’m sorry.

I know that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me to be. You shouldn’t have had to watch out for both of us. I want you to know that we will never have to go back to that place. You no longer have to wonder if you can count on me, I will be here. I will always be here.

Thank you for loving me enough to let me back into your life.

I love that you were able to visit for the 4th of July and spend time with us. Ally sure loves her uncle, just like Jaycie and Coby.

I look forward to the day when we get to make our dreams reality and build a business together.

I love you Grant. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I wasn’t there for you.

Tom

***

Obviously, the past can’t be changed, but if I could go back today and talk to him, I would make sure he knew that he wasn’t the only one dealing with an addicted sibling and that he didn’t have to do it alone.

Just like addicts need support to find a way to a life without addiction, I know now that he needed support to deal with being my brother and feeling so overlooked as my parents put out fire after fire after fire in my life.

To those who read this in situations like ours, hold onto hope with everything you have. You might be the only source of hope your brother or sister has. By continuing to accomplish the goals that you set out to accomplish you show them that a better life is possible.

When your brother or sister comes to a place where addiction is so painful that the only way to keep living is to change, you may be the one they will come to. When this happens be ready to show them that you still love them.

Even though you may hate the person they have become, show love to the person they were before addiction and the person they can still become. Its okay to not know what to say, say exactly that “I don’t know what to say right now.” Just make sure you follow it with “I’m just glad that you told me.” Then remind them that the connection you share with them is as strong as any other in the world.

Remind them that they are not alone and talk to them about how you will help them find the help they need. By reconnecting with them, you reconnect them to something bigger than addiction. To a place where there is hope for a better life.

Yours is a difficult road to walk, you don’t need to walk it alone. I’m in your corner, as are so many others. Reach out, we will listen.

Want more on Tom Foote? Check out his bio and personal message below.

Tom & Shannon Foote battled addiction for more than 10 years in their family and know firsthand just how painful addiction is.

Now 4 years into building a better life we want you to know that there is hope, your family’s story can have a happy ending.

We builtbestfooteforward.combecause we believe that inspiration is the greatest gift you can give anyone. It is our goal to inspire addicts and their families to a life of success beyond addiction. We are here to support you in your moments of despair, and give you the hope and confidence you need to keep going anyway.

When Tom was young his dad had a quote on the mirror – “Success is a journey, not a destination.” Wherever you are in your journey we would love to hear about it and help in any way that we can.

Let’s play a quick game. Close your eyes for a second and picture a heroin addict.

What images come to mind?

Did you picture your high school homecoming queen?

Did you see a man in a polished suit with gold cufflinks and a clean shaven face?

Or did you see a droopy eyed, banged up man or woman with greasy hair and a pocked marked face? Did you see someone huddled in the corner of an abandoned, run down house with a dirty needle hanging out of their arm?

Chances are you didn’t picture a guy like Ryan Hale (Yep, that’s him on the left) – a guy who was once a chubby cheeked, little boy with dimples and a sweet smile. The kind of guy who was a decorated Eagle Scout growing up and raised by a loving family.

Sadly, Ryan became a heroin addict and for six long years his family has struggled right along side him, especially his older brother Rick.

Recently Rick, a singer/songwriter and the frontman of the dynamic AZ valley group Rick Hale and the Nationals, wrote a song and produced a video depicting some of Ryan’s struggles with addiction.

As soon as I saw the video I knew I had to share it with you. Not only is Rick’s song, “Descending” a great tune (I’m listening to it right now) but the video itself will resonate with family members and friends as well. Check it out below.

Now, I have a huge favor to ask you. If you feel inspired to do so, then please share this video far and wide. Rick’s work has already helped so many and with your help, he can help many, many more.