Lester Smelgerson of the Greater Regional Organization of Uninformed Citizen Hotheads (Picture public domain from Library of Congress)

What in the gosh, darn hell is wrong with these snot-nosed college kids we got today? Do they think everything’s gotta be handed to them on a silk pillow, tied in a pretty little pink ribbon and bow?

These ungrateful little bastiches should be happy they’re in college in the first place, not sitting around whining about who’s gonna pay for it. If you were my kids, you wouldn’t have even gone to college, ya little turdbaskets! You woulda come right to work in the shop, if we still had the shop, which we don’t cuz it got bought up by this company owned by some rich guy from Massachusetts and they sent all the jobs to god damned INDIA!

So, since you wouldn’t be able to get a job at the shop, you woulda marched your god damn worthless asses right down to the recruiters and signed up for the Army. Not the Marines, not the Navy, not the friggin’ Air Force, but the god damned American Army!

But now, you little bastiches sitting there in your stinky clothes cuz mommy ain’t there to wash ‘em for ya, yer all sittin’ there with yer hands out. “We want the taxpayers to pay for our college loans,” you whine. “We want the world handed to us on a pink little fluffy cloud with ponies and fairies prancing and tippy-toeing around it.”

Well, too god damn bad, you little bastiches! Mitt Romney‘s got the right idea. If you got rich mommies and daddies, tell THEM to give ya the god damn money. And if you ain’t got rich mommies and daddies, then you either work your way through college by selling newspapers or flower seeds door to door or whatever kids do to raise money these days, or you don’t GO to college. God damn it all straight to hello kitty! You kids with your nintendos and your walkmans and your cassette tapes and your jungle boogie rock and roll music, you think the world owes ya a friggin’ living. But the world don’t owe you a tiny pile of hot horse squat, ya god damn little bastiches!

Now, do like Mr. Romney said. Ask yer mommies and daddies if you can have some money. And if they say no, which I hope to God they do, then get your ass out of college and get it in the god damn Army! We gots a WAR to fight, ya ungrateful little bastiches. God, ya make me sick.

I hope Mr. Romney gets elected. Maybe he can find out who it was that bought out the shop, closed it down and sent all our jobs to them godless Hindoos what they got over there in India. God damn it.

Mr. Schmalfeldt’s column will return in its regular spot during his next scheduled appearance. Thank you for your indulgences.