Struggle with sister in law. What to do

I have been with my FI for 5 years, almost 6 now. When we first met and started dating, I was pumped that he has a little brother and sister. I’m an only child, so I thought that’d be cool.

His little brother and I got along fine, but his little sister and I never hit it off. I guess I can just accept that people have differences and move on, but I’m just not that type of person. I understand that you can’t expect to be best friends with everyone you meet but…

She has always been snotty with me. She is 5 years younger than us, and always tried to one-up me. Take New Years supper last night, I was being asked by his family about wedding plans, and all that, and just as I start, SIL jumps in literally, and says, “I just got back from a road trip with my boyfriend!! Isn’t that cool?” and I try to interject quietly to the people who asked about wedding things and talk again, and she comes over again and says, “NO, aren’t you guys going to ask me where we went??” There is a long list of things else that has happened. She’s told me she hates me, and I’m stealing her brother away and clouding her parents’ judgment and I’m so not a good person for her brother. We were at a family gathering and MIL asks FI about a sort of bug-bite/rash both he and I have, so we were quietly explaining everything and SIL stands up, points at us both, and screams, “That is FUCKING disgusting!!! GROSS!” and proceeds to tell me, while fake puking, how gross it is and we have worms and such. Also, to add to the fake puking thing, we received a food processor for Christmas, and my FIL asked what dishes we’re looking forward to make. While I explained, SIL fake pukes and says how gross and fattening everything I mentioned was.

She’s totaled her car and blamed it on her little brother, when her mom said to her, “Watch who you are talking to, young lady”, she came back with, “YOU had better watch your tone with me, mother, and be happy I showed up to this dump of a dinner.”

She’s literally spikes our drinks with alcohol, because as she puts it, “you guys are 24 and drink once every 3 months, god you’re pathetic!” yet in turn, she has one cooler and passes out in a pukey mess.

I’ve spoken with FI about this all, and at first he suggested to ignore her. That never worked, she just got louder. We then turned to his parents and asked what they suggest to do. They said they were looking for a jumping off point to start a good, serious conversation with, good timing and they felt badly she was attacking us the way she was. Sadly, his parents are so lax, and pick and choose when to discipline, so that’s tough. I try not to retaliate at all, it just does no good. Geez, she won’t listen to her own mom, what’ll she do when we say, “Please stop that, it’s rude/hurtful/etc.”

To be truthful, I am a little bit jealous of SIL and her and her BF relationship. They have been together just over a year and are getting massive perks and family support compared to the weekly texts from MIL when I first started dating FI saying, “Please don’t hold back my son, he needs to concentrate on school and your dragging him down.” It took 4 years for us to move out together, and SIL&BF are moving out this week together. FI and I STILL to this day get told, “Please don’t hold hands it makes grandma uncomfortable”, yet SIL can sit on her BF lap, kissing and hugging in front of the grandparents. SIGH! I feel like she’s growing up to fast, and doing it on purpose to ‘catch up’ with the rest of the family? She is the youngest girl in the family, everyone else has husbands/long term/etc… Yet, even when her parents say, Slow down! You realize you have to pay electric when you move out, and you leave the lights on!? She screams, I don’t need your help!! and slams doors.

Anyways, I think FI spoke with his parents, and I think we are having a ‘family meeting’. Gulp!! Any suggestions what to do until we can figure this all out? Am I being too sensitive? Am I being too junior high school? 🙁

That sucks. I have conflict with a few cousins of my SO, so I know how awkward it can be.

The family isn’t doing any favors for her by letting her be disrespectful, on one hand. On the other if she’s old enough to move out then she can’t be disciplined the same as a disrespectful dependent.

My heart breaks for her, and for you. She might be lashing out as there is a possibility she is jealous of you and the devotion you receive from her brother.

As far as the family meeting, prepare in advance. Sit and think/feel the situation fully. Set aside the resentment or jealousy you feel towards how the family treats her and your complaints about the sisters current actions against you and your relationship. Plan out what you’d like to raise with the family/sister and use empathetic lead ins (such as, I don’t understand why you feel this way but I’d like to listen to you about how you I feel.) And let her air her opinions. Then, calmly present your feelings after validating hers. Don’t be dismissive of her thoughts(even though they might be immature or harsh from the sound of it) but also don’t back down from presenting your own thoughts. Talk the points over with you FI first, before her or the fam, just to make sure you’re both on the same page and he will back you up if need be.

If it still doesn’t improve, than just make peace with the fact you tried. You don’t owe endless efforts of peacemaking to someone who doesn’t want it. And when you know a difficult get together is on the horizon, mentally prepare by relaxing before hand and putting yourself in a good mood. Resolve to stay in that state all night. If SIL comes at you directly, brush it off with a laugh and a smile and if need be a tailored polite response and go on enjoying the company of your FI and his other family and forget it ever happened(or ,at least act like it in the moment!)

@Haruyou: this is not an ideal situation. I don’t know how much a family meeting would help- I would be concerned it might make everything worse. Honestly, she sounds like an immature spoiled brat and that’s not going to change (if ever) until she grows up. I would ignore her and cross my fingers he grows up eventually. It might also help if your FI stood up for you. If his sister is being rude to you and the parents aren’t saying anything, he should tell her that she’s being rude. You two are a team and you need to be on the same page. Hugs and good luck OP!

Thank you both. It went… all right. We sat down, and MIL and FIL both explained that they are hurt to see their kids be split, they don’t want a funeral to be the thing that brings us together under the same roof, y’know.

SIL, after an hour of coaxing, and her explaining, “Believe me you DON’T want to hear what I have to say.” We said, no we’re ready, tell us. She said, to me, “You are disgusting, I can’t stand you. You took my brother away from me, and what you’ve turned him into, I don’t even want him back. When you talk about wedding plans, and your stupid cat, I want to puke.” There was more, but… you get the idea.

They (the MIL/FIL) were SO supportive. Hugely. I wasn’t expecting it. They calmly told her, those are her feelings and if she took the time she’d see that I am a good person and her brother is too. She stormed off after, wanting to go see her BF, which they allowed. She came back about 40 minutes later, and went on the treadmill instantly so…

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I want to build a relationship, but I’m unsure how to. She refused to take my phone number so we can’t text. She rejects my facebook requests… sigh. For my FI I want to work at this, but it’s wearing me down…

I think you need to leave her alone and let it be. She is CLEARLY extremely extremely immature and doesn’t know at all how to act like an adult. You don’t need to have a relationship with someone like that, and the more you bug her with Facebook and trying to be buddies the more annoyed she’s going to get. Be the adult and just stop caring about this stuff and her shitty. Let her act any way she wants. Whatever way she does act completely is on her and has everything to do with her, not you. It’s truly not personal no matter how personal it feels like it is. Maybe when she grows up and realizes you don’t care about her antics anymore you guys will be able to build something.

It sounds like she’s a bit immature and much of it could be for her age. If you guys are 24 and she’s 5 yrs younger that makes her 19? I wouldn’t expect much from someone that age in terms of respect and kindness, especially now a days. Sounds like her parents need to make her be a little more responsible for herself, that will definitely teach her to respect and be curteous to to others real fast!

I agree that you just need to leave her alone for now. She clearly doesn’t want a relationship with you, and any attempts you make to foster a relationship will probably make it worse because she is so ridiculous. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but I think you should just ignore her as much as possible from now on!

Leave her alone. She doesn’t want to be friends with you…she doesn’t have to be, it’s not compulsory. When I was in my early 20s, I tried to be friendly with my then FSIL…she made it pretty clear she didn’t approve of me. So I left it alone. 25 years later, all I regret now is that I cared so much about it back then…

However, she does need to be civil. If her parents are incapable of making sure she is, when she starts up with her childish crap, both you and your FI should leave. Even if it is only a few minutes in. If the parents object, just calmly state that you and your FI have jointly decided you are no longer going to put up with her crap.

@Haruyou: She sounds like a 19-year-old idiot and hopefully she’ll mature. Treat her like the kid she is – being super indulgent and polite. Don’t let it bother you, she is still a child (not all 19-year-olds are, but she is).

Ummm there’s nothing you need to do. Based on what you told us this chick is really, really immature. Let her dig her own grave with the weird shit she’s saying. Just give her a weird look next time she says something stupid and ignore her. Eventually, as she grows up, she’ll stop from not getting a rise out of you anymore.

@Haruyou: my own 19 year old brother has been acting a lot like this lately. I totally get where youre coming from because I too have tried everything. I cannot even imagine how poor FI feels about him right now…

Unfrtunately, the best thing you can do right now is stand your ground when she’s being an ass to you and just sit back an try to deal with the rest. It sucks but alas, I am slowly learming that not ALLL teenagers are nice to be aroun 😉

@Haruyou: Totally understand how it’s hard to ignore. She sounds like a difficult person and it’s unfortunate that she her behaviour hasn’t been pulled in. I agree with PPs to just let her be her own idiot self. Everyone around her knows what she’s like.

On the plus (???) side, at least she’s up front about it and you know where you stand. Better than her behaving passive aggressively. That suuuuucks, and that’s what I experience instead.

It’s easier to confront or defend yourself/stand your ground, or make any decisions regarding that relationship when something is that obviously in your face.