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I finally got a bipolar diagnosis after saying it for years. It took a second hospitalization, but I'm finally on the correct meds it appears. All my pills are taken at night and there's eight of them.

I'm taking 1g (4 x 250mg) of Divalproex. Even a year and a half later it seems like a lot, but they're starting to help more and more. Luckily, my high school buddies have been able to help out, even if it's just a phone call.

I finally got a bipolar diagnosis after saying it for years. It took a second hospitalization, but I'm finally on the correct meds it appears. All my pills are taken at night and there's eight of them.

I'm taking 1g (4 x 250mg) of Divalproex. Even a year and a half later it seems like a lot, but they're starting to help more and more. Luckily, my high school buddies have been able to help out, even if it's just a phone call.

Iíve lost touch with my high school buddies. My shit hit the fan and everyone (even my family) scattered. I get zero support at home.

Meds do help, I can say now (after 20 years). They donít stop the voices or thoughts, but they do help with the anxiety and depression. I take 1500mg of divalproex (500 am, 1000 pm), and a bunch of other shit. (Kind of tired of it all, honestly).

And, man, I have been hospitalized more times than I can count in the past 20 years. I think itís around 12. When you get no support at home, you gotta get it somewhere. Sad thing is, the hospitals still donít get it. And sometimes they have malicious staff, which is HORRIBLE.

I was just reminded that sometimes sleeping on my problems actually helps me find solutions or just mere clarity. Anyway, it's as if it's hiding in plain sight, but it turned out to be true, and just very obvious in multiple ways.

Anyway, it really does turn out that I'm definitely still very much molded, controlled, dictated and haunted/tormented/tortured by my past and my emotions. It's now just a matter on how I utilize and learn from my past and emotions yet again. This was also discovered upon further realizing just how wrong I was and still am about life altogether.

I hope things will eventually turn out better for me in the 2020s, as I finally know where to start from the ground up all over at the very least mentally and emotionally, and hopefully the rest will eventually fall into place.

I didn't know any other thread to put this in, so I thought it would fit in here, and figured that I'd just leave it at that. I also hope I find more purpose, value and happiness later on, and also hope the search gets easier too. Aside from that, things generally seem to be more okay than before, so that's always a plus, even in spite of some highs and lows, but such is life. I guess it pays to take time off to reflect and as mentioned, just sleep on it every now and then.

tomorrow is the 17-year anniversary of my sexual assault. i had a trauma group meeting today at my PHP program but it wasn't at all what i was hoping it would be. still having a lot of trouble right now in general and this on top if it is just...really upsetting.

...i had a trauma group meeting today at my PHP program but it wasn't at all what i was hoping it would be...

I have some big issues, too (including trauma), and I have tried a few times to discuss them in group therapy sessions, and even individual therapy, and have found that it’s hard to cover any major problem when there are limitations like time, other patients’ concerns, and taboo. I don’t think that’s right. It frustrates me deeply. I need help, and have found no one to talk to, even among people whose job it is is to listen.

Just because someone says they can help and want to help doesn’t mean they are really able to, sadly, for whatever reason.

been working hard at my PHP groups to make progress. decided i needed to talk to work about the future and make a pretty big decision.

so, i had a phone call with my boss today where i laid out a lot of my issues and concerns, made a request to be moved into a different position (essentially one that would have to be created), and when he said that was (understandably) not possible at this time, i said i don't think i can come back.

he was extremely kind, extremely understand, and is going to work with some of the people i had issues with to get them to be more sensitive/understanding of others to try to create a better work environment for everyone there, even if i don't come back.

he also said that no bridges have been burned, me taking care of myself is paramount, and that if i ever want to come back, i'll be welcome because i'm really good at what i do.

stepped down to IOP today (9:30-noon instead of 9:30-2), my best friend is in town as of today, and i'm still here.

had a rough weekend (after finally having two good weekdays last thursday and friday) but i managed to recover today.

been doing so much music in the last three weeks that by the end of next week i'll probably have a new album to release (4 songs, 32 minutes, like ya do). it's been really helpful to process a lot of the shit i'm going through.

Man, I have an old friend who has just completely lost it. He spoke about some fraud and then just seemingly randomly moved back to Nebraska from Atlanta earlier this year. I thought it was abrupt, but I knew his job was stressing him out big time, so didn't give it much thought. He's in high-level IT, so I figured he would just find a new job and that would be that.

I haven't been on facebook much recently, but then caught a couple of posts that I thought were odd, but brushed them off as humor that I didn't understand. But then it happened again the other day, so I started scrolling back on his timeline, and yikes. Then I looked at his twitter, which was even worse. Some highlights:

- He believes that he escaped an IED explosion last night
- Frequently posting about "radiation" in Nebraska
- He listed a TV for sale that he just purchased a couple of weeks ago with this description:

Nice TV I bought from a work auction. Modified with camera in upper right corner worth $7000 when I got gangstalked in GA.

And then using these annoying signaling buds they pushed the smell of burnt meth to my mouth and bloated me after putting on my clothes. 290lbs+

If you have recordings of the Nebraska radio noise with my likeness, contact me on Facebook. I’m playing the waiting game with the state of Georgia and the US Govt.

Someone is subverting all of my god damned postal service letters and bills. Driving me crazy.

It has come to my attention that several of my personal contacts private and business were prank called by an individual by the name [XXX - not sure if it is a real name or not] who goes by "[XXX] of the Federal Reserve Bank of America/Atlanta" who threatened under the guise of bodily harm by the "White Mexican Cartel." The prank calls and robo-dialer harassment have caused millions in material damage to my closest friends and colleagues. I advise anyone who has received these calls to pull records and seek legal advice. The actual White Mexican Cartel has nothing to do with these isolated incidents, and the Federal Govt is investigating accordingly.

So apparently for $10/hr I can be tortured courtesy of [name of person he thinks is after him] and the fucking Midtown Moon

@POTUS I became a psychic because [XXX] told you I was a meth head for smoking meth in the restroom at work. I’ve been violated at every state and federal level. On the plus side, I found out that I’m the 2nd coming of Christ.

@POTUS heard news about low radio bands being blocked by Georgians preventing homeland security from doing its job

- Tweeting at multiple FBI field offices
- Thinks that he is being "gangstalked", which I researched, and it is a new mental illness meets social media phenomenon where folks with schizophrenia or other disorders that cause delusions basically validate the delusions of one another.

This shit is terrifying. He does not seem to be a threat to himself at this point, but I'm so concerned for him. He is from a family whose culture is very "Just pray and god will fix it" when it comes to mental illness. So I've been reaching out to some of his local friends hoping that someone will do something. I'm putting together a list of resources in the local area because he doesn't have a job, so likely no insurance. Goddamn I feel helpless on the other side of the country, and it is anger-inducing that his local friends have not intervened before it got this bad.

I'm still struggling with this shit. I was once labeled schizoaffective, but the diagnosis was slightly downgraded to "bipolar disorder w/psychotic features."
Anyone who has talked to me one on one, or, even just looked at my fucking post count here, knows how manic I get.

THE HELL OF IT ALL IS THIS:
Most of the time, I don't wanna be alive. It's been this way, on and off, since I was a fucking kid.
I'm on like, 6 psych meds.
I still don't know what the fucking answer is.
It just gets worse and worse with time.

Everybody hang on, if you relate to that part. Just hold on, I guess. I suppose that's the only answer that I know. About 8 of my closest friends have killed themselves at this point, blatantly and flagrantly, or, with drugs.

- Thinks that he is being "gangstalked", which I researched, and it is a new mental illness meets social media phenomenon where folks with schizophrenia or other disorders that cause delusions basically validate the delusions of one another.

This happened to a friend's wife back in 2017. She got mixed up with some bad people who gave her a hit of cocaine, which, combined with her psych meds, totally fucked her up. Then some online group she was a part of told her that she didn't need the meds because they were "interfering with her creativity", which made things even worse. It eventually got to the point where she was convinced the world was coming to an end, hopped into her car, and tried to enter a local businessman's house because she believed it was a shelter from the coming apocalypse. Eventually after being committed to a psych facility for a month she returned to "normal", but it was terrifying to watch my friend go through the emotional trauma that it caused.