10 mintues after running through my usual list of ideas and concerns while laying in bed this a.m., I finally felt like it was acceptable to open my eyes. Looking to see if Nate was still in the room and were Autumn was lying – both were found and both I found amusing: We currently sleep on 5 felted wool layers on the floor. She was laying at the corner with one arm extended onto the to floor and one foot propped-up against the opposite leg: full cheeks, messy puffballs, super cute. Nate was directly underneath her which is also amusing. : )

My mind went back to baby’s positioning in my womb and my concerns about it, even at only 27 weeks. Autumn was double footling breech, so this is a biggy for me.
I start taking those concerns to Him even though it feels “off.” Much like I’m a dud of a daughter who mostly just disappoints while choosing her own thing, except when I come back asking for something I need.

Ouch.

It’s unfamiliar territory, truly. I rarely felt like I disappointed my earthly (adoptive, grand)parents – they were thrilled that I tended to follow the rules, went to church, got good grades, and showed no interest in parties, substance abuse, or the “wrong crowd.” It was another story with my bio mom – before age 13 I can’t say I felt she saw me much at all, one of the many downsides to being a mother with a drug addiction.

Alright, where was I?

Oh yeah, being a screw up daughter (or at least feeling that way. It’s a weird dynamic having 3 parents influencing your idea of God and how you relate to Him). It’s not that I can’t have another c-section – yes, a healthy mom and healthy baby are my highest request – but as a girl strongly tied to her ideals, oh how badly I want this to be a smooth transition for my family, for Autumn.

So I focus on praying for that instead – not for a certain type of birth, or even what the transition should look like according to me (or the books and articles I’ve read), but really simply — for grace.

I’ve talked before about hoping to up my walking and go slower —- but that was written while trying to sell a house.

We did sell, and with new values in mind we were able to rent a place near walking trails.

I got pregnant a week after we sold the house and my 1st trimester was really exhausting – probably the progesterone I was taking. However, 2nd trimester I’ve been able to up my miles quite a bit. Not yet to the 5 miles a day suggested for a VBAC, but most days 3 comes rather easily. So far I’ve been going to bed with Autumn and then waking up just before sunrise so I can walk the hour before Nate starts working. It’s stroller-free and I get to listen to Podcasts : ) Then I take Autumn out later in the day and try to get her to walk some with me. That – as expected – is a hit or miss endeavor so I think I’m going to have to abandon a few principles and just start bringing the stroller and encouraging her to walk periodically. Here’s to hope.

But to say that I’m just walking wouldn’t be true. Actually, there’s a *lot* happening as I’m training myself to walk correctly. Following the guidelines of Katy Bowman at Nutritious Movement and her book, Move Your DNA, I’ve packed the following into the phrase “I’m working on my walking”:

{Art cred: Nathan with some charcoal. If you’ve read The Little Prince, can you spot the sheep?}

This whole deal isn’t ideal! God gave us the ultimate “should have been” with Him in the Garden and we chose differently – threw it back at Him.

Then there’s the everyday: billions of people hundreds of times a day depart from the “supposed to be” and He knows how differently things could be and yet He has to just absorb it all, wait patiently and try to impart to us another way we should take.

That sounds hellish to me – like a constant ripping of ideals from your soul by the ones you’d love to share it with.

I don’t know why God made me a Sensate and I do want to throw it back at Him, but I’m sitting here rubbing this coarse cross from Israel (as suggested in this book) that was gifted to me years ago and thinking about the ways He can relate to my everyday heartbreaks and disappointments.

Morgan Reid

I'm wife and mama learning how to love Jesus, and love on others the way He does.
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Into crunchy and natural living; mindful parenting; social justice; and environmental advocacy. I like anything domestic (decorating, fabric arts, etc), Monet's art work, photography, ASL, and having real connections with other humans. (:
Currently living in Austin, loving all the 'weird.' Counting gifts and enjoying God. ‡
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MBTI: xSFJ. Enneagram Type 6.