RC 6935

Monday, October 3, 2016

Disclaimer:
the Protectors of the Plot Continuum is the creation of Jay and Acacia. DC
Comics and the Batman are property of Warner Bros Entertainment. Spore belongs
to Electronic Arts, All other fandoms mentioned or discussed belong to their
respective owners. Grox and Kisses belongs to Lady Heston of Bloomingshire, not
that I would ever want it. Jack and Shawn belong to me.

“Welcome
to my humble abode,” Jack declared proudly, opening the door with flourish.
Inside was a small, cluttered, room with a hammock strung up in the corner,
tied to a bed post at one end and the hinge to the bathroom door at the other
end. The bed was piled high with board games, trading cards and a handful of
dirty socks.

“There’s
only one bed,” Shawn said, pushing his luggage next to the messy bed.

“You
can have it. I don’t think I ever used it for anything but storage,” Jack said.

“How
very generous of you,” Shawn groaned, eyes rolling.

“Oh
fine, I’ll help you clean it off,” Jack replied, grabbing a stack of different board
games and shoving them in the closet.

“Some
of these are just weird,” said Shawn, holding up a box of Legos.

“Ah,
Minotaurus. I’ll have to teach you that sometime,” Jack said.

“What’s
wrong with Clue and Jenga? Too mainstream for you?” Shawn asked, tossing a few
socks at Jack.

“I
had no one but myself to play against for who knows how long. I needed some
variation,” Jack said as he crammed a horde of cards into a shoebox.

“So,
you’re just super anti-social?” Shawn asked.

“I’m
the only person in the hall who had a nine to five job. Everyone else’s schedule
is too crazy to hang out,” Jack said.

“Excuses,
excuses,” Shawn said. Just then, a loud beeeeeeep
came from a stack of papers.

“You
need professional help to fix this mess.” Shawn said, rifling through the
papers, “Why do you still have a receipt for waffle tacos? Actually, why did
you buy waffle tacos in the first place?”

“They’re
not half bad. Unlike our target. Take a look at this,” Jack said, motioning for
his partner to come over.

“Spore
huh? I loved that game. I blew up an entire galaxy,” Shawn said.

“When
did you have time to play Spore?” Jack asked.

“Between
the serial arson and the jaywalking,” Shawn said, unzipping his luggage.

“Whatcha
doing?” Jack asked.

“You
wanna take out a ‘Sue? We need more than just a CAD.” Shawn said, pulling a
glock out of his luggage.

“Ooh.
I have a weapon too,” Jack said. He ran to his closet and pulled an umbrella
out.

“Oh
good. Maybe you’ll be able to defend us from the rain while I do things like,
you know, kill a ‘Sue,” Shawn said.

“It’s
not just an umbrella,” Jack said. He pressed a button in the handle of the
umbrella. The tip receded, showing a thin blade.

“Fancy.
How good are you with it?” Shawn asked.

“I
have literally never used it,” Jack said.

“Then
why do you have it?” Shawn asked.

“Cause
it’s cool,” Jack said.

“Okay,
so two things to work on: socializing and combat. I’m better at the second one,
so let’s do that,” Shawn said.

“Shouldn’t
we go on the mission first?” Jack asked.

“Yeah,
we can do that too,” Shawn said, picking up his backpack and a CAD.

“Let’s
jump in. The fic starts on Earth, so we’ll just go as ourselves, then get
disguised later,” Jack said, grabbing a backpack of his own and the actual
Spore game.

“Sounds
good,” Shawn said, holstering his gun. Jack fired up the remote activator and
the two jumped into the portal.

****

Amy found Kirk on her way back from school.
She said goodbye to her friend as they walked their separate ways. Amy
continued skipping home trough the high-class neighbour hood.

'Wait,
I'm fifteen why am I skipping?' She said to herself and slowed down to a walk.

“Hey, she got through a whole two sentences
without making a mistake. That’s pretty good,” Shawn said, chuckling as the
teenaged ‘Sue walked through a trough filled with pig slop.

“So, points off
for misspelling two words in one sentence, and for being fifteen even though
there’s sex later,” Jack said.

Jack and Shawn
followed the ‘Sue, Jack making note of the green and gold shadows, until a
robotic voice shouted from a nearby alley.

“What was that?”
Shawn asked.

“That would be
the ‘creepy mechanical sounding cry’ that our ‘Sue is going after,” Jack said.

The
mechanical sound came again and even louder this time; it was coming from the
deepest end of the alley, right behind the rubbish bins. Pushing a lock of
strawberry blonde hair from her eyes and slowly advanced forward. This was
rather scary, but what could hurt you in an old bin alley at three o'clock on a
sunny afternoon?

“She’s
talking about me, isn’t she?” Shawn said, smirking.

“Oh, of course.
Your reputation precedes you,” Jack said.

The agents read
through the words’ long description of a Grox, Jack writing frantically the
whole time.

“So, here’s the
first thing besides spelling and grammar that’s wrong with this fic: Grox can’t
breathe our air. Our intergalactic buddy here should have died almost instantly
after making contact with the atmosphere,” Jack said.

“Really? I
never tried to take the Grox to Earth,” Shawn said. Just then, the 'Sue grabbed
the vial the Grox had been reaching for and gave it to him, allowing him to breath more stably.

“Convenient that he had a magic drink to let
him ‘breath’ our atmosphere,” Shawn said as the Grox forced the tube down its
throat.

“I’m gonna run
out of paper, and we’re only in the first chapter,” Jack said.

After that, the
‘Sue deduced that the alien creature was a boy and decided that because he was
so cute, she had to help him.

“Take note: If
you ever find an alien stranded in an alley, not breathing, and partially made
of metal, the most important thing is how cute he is,” Jack said.

I
know this one is a little short but the chapters will get longer as the story
progresses. Remember: Review if you hate, or review if you like

“A little
short? It gets worse?” Shawn said, attempting to ignore the headache brought on
by the author’s note.

The agents felt
like the world had been pulled out from under them as the scene changed to
inside the ‘Sue’s house. As they picked themselves up, the ‘Sue proceeded to
set everything she could find on the table for her guest to eat, only for the
Grox to drink bleach. Shawn and Jack took the ‘Sue’s minor freak out about her
parents possibly getting home soon as an opportunity to hide under the kitchen
table, the only piece of furniture in the house, evidently. Almost immediately,
the ‘Sue’s father arrived for a brief conversation before leaving with the
‘Sue.

“Why exactly is
everyone else out?” Shawn asked.

“I don’t know, but
whatever job lets you get home this early is a job I want,” Jack said as an
in-text author’s note alerted them to what an Asda was.

“I’m not going
to count that as a charge, since I didn’t know what an Asda was, so it was
actually helpful. Besides, I’m not exactly lacking in charges,” Jack said.

“Any desire to
follow them to the store?” Shawn asked, scanning the words as he took a seat in
the kitchen.

“Nah, the only
thing that happens there is more bad spelling, so we can relax for a minute,”
Jack said, taking note of the charges the ‘Sue accumulated while at the store.

“Well, if
you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a look around,” Shawn said, walking out of the
kitchen.

“Have fun. Hey,
any idea what thy are?” Jack asked, a grin spreading across his face.

“No, why?”
Shawn called from the next room over.

“Apparently,
thy are on sale. Thought we might want to swing by and pick some up,” Jack
said, giggling.

“You’re not
funny,” Shawn said, sitting down across from Jack.

“I thought you
were looking around,” Jack said.

“The only thing
in this house beside generic surface is a TV, and I don’t feel like lugging
that around with me through the whole fic,” Shawn said.

“Wait, what do
you mean, ‘lugging it around?’” Jack asked.

“These people
are gonna die soon, they don’t need their stuff,” Shawn said, grabbing a
generic fruit from the Grox’s pile of inedible foods.

“And you think
leaving a bunch of stuff lying around is going to help the universe?” Shawn
asked in between bites.

“I don’t think
the universe cares,” Jack said.

Just then, a
time-shift knocked the agents over. As they recovered, a woman and a young boy
materialized in the kitchen and unfurnished living room, respectively. Jack
rushed under the table again, dragging Shawn with him.

“Where did they
come from?” Shawn asked in a hushed tone.

“Those must be
the rest of the ‘Sue’s family,” Jack said.

The ‘Sue walked
in, leaving her father outside. Her brother attempted to hug her, but the ‘Sue
shoved him aside.

Smiling
Amy pounded up the stairs and stopped outside her bedroom door. She did not
want to scare the little cat-bot by barging into the room. So instead she
slowly opened the door and slipped inside. She found the red creature sitting
on her bed, and typing on her laptop!

“How are we
gonna get up there?” Shawn asked as a new character named Smiling Amy went
upstairs, causing a racket.

“The mom is
cooking dinner, and the little brother is watching TV. We might be able to slip
away for a minute once their backs are turned,” Jack said.

Fortunately,
since no description was given besides that the mother was making dinner, the
fic presented it as the mother making generic food out of Lego bricks on the
stove, giving the agents plenty of time to remove themselves. They arrived
outside the ‘Sue’s door just in time to hear her talking to the Grox.

'Nothing
much… I was only checking my whereabouts on this planet.' He said in a slightly
mechanical, male voice. 'Wow, you can speak English?' Uttered Amy dumbstruck.
'Well of course I can. Well now anyway, I just needed some time to download it
onto my hard disc.' He told her tapping the metal side of his head with his
bionic arm, making a 'ding' kind of noise.

“Is
that three different dialogues in one paragraph? Really?” Jack muttered.

“Since when
does metal hitting metal make a ding noise? Sorry, a ‘ding kind of noise,’”
Shawn said.

The ‘Sue closed
the door behind her, hitting Jack squarely in the head.

“Of
course,” Shawn said. Jack pressed his ear against the door to hear what was
happening on the other side. A few moments later, the door opened again, as the
Grox came out and immediately walked back in.

“The
wording is so bad that it was actually beneficial,” Jack said, smiling at the
open door.

'My
name is Kirk! The emperor of the Groxian Empire. I am a grox, the most powerful
and destructive race in the galaxy!.' He announced proudly.

It was at this
point that the ‘Sue decided the Grox couldn’t possibly be lying. The Grox
promised to continue the conversation after the ‘Sue ate dinner.

'Wha-'
'AMY! COME EAT YOUR SUPPER!' Screamed her mum from downstairs. Amy turned to
Kirk, obviously surprised. 'I have much better hearing than you.' He explained,
gesturing to the door. 'When you are out there do you mind getting me some of
that stuff I had earlier? I'm still a little peckish." He added.

“I knew the
Grox were powerful, but I had no idea their hearing was good enough to predict
the future,” Shawn said.

Before Jack
could attempt a witty response, which most likely wouldn’t have been all that
witty, another time-shift occurred, causing him to fall into the ‘Sue’s room,
and leaving Shawn alone hiding in the hall. Jack wasted no time in crawling
under the ‘Sue’s bed and out of the Grox’s sight.

The ‘Sue, who
had apparently left the room during the time skip and changed into her
“pyjamas” without going back to her room, returned to Kirk with a bottle of
bleach. When she got there, she asked why Grox eat poison, resulting in Kirk
saying her food was poison as well.

The Grox
proceeded to explain how he ended up on Earth. Evidently, a race known as the
wallisians had kidnapped him, interrogated him, and marooned him.

'I
still can't get over one thing: How did you manage to help me?' He said looking
up at her trough both of his strange eyes. 'What do you mean?'

'I
mean when a grox visits a foreign planet most of the life forms on that planet
avoid it, even when they are unaware of its existence. Its as if there is a… I
don't know… A type of dark energy that always seems to be surrounding our
species. Creatures that had only just met us are already aware that meddling
with us is no good…. But you have somehow managed to completely ignore it and
help me.'

He
went silent for a second, looking out of the window at the wind rustling the
trees. 'Tell me Amy, do you feel any sort of emotion towards me?"

Shawn took this
awful attempt at romance as an opportunity to finally scan the ‘Sue and her
‘Stu love interest. The screen flashed red as the machine let out a sharp beep,
and the agent ducked out of sight before reading the CAD’s results.
Fortunately, the ‘Sue was too busy pondering her “emotion” to notice.

[Amy.
Human-female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

“Huh. That’s
pretty straightforward. I expected something more dramatic,” Shawn said. He turned
down the CAD’s volume and aimed it at the Grox.

[Kirk.
Grox-maaaaaaaaaaaa. Behold filthy creature! This machine is now under the
control of the mighty and powerful Grox! This means that you are likely being
attacked by our glorious military now, so we look forward to your future
assimilation/execution.]

“Just had to
say something,” Shawn muttered to himself as the ‘Sue talked about the
“connection” she shared with the Grox.

'To
be serious with you so do I, no living being has ever treated me that way, let
alone saved my life. I had never felt such a connection to another creature
eider, there is some force at work here.' The grox carried on, " Tomorrow
my people are coming to pick me up from here, and when I mean my people I mean
an army of battleships' His head turned to Amy.

'And
you are coming with me' Amy at once realised that he was holding both of her
hands, as if in a marriage proposal, and as if in a marriage proposal she did
not know what to say.

“What?” Jack
and Shawn shouted. The ‘Sue and Kirk both stared straight down at Jack’s hiding
spot. Shawn motioned wildly for Jack to vacate said hiding spot and get back to
the doorway. Fortunately, the two non-canons were preoccupied for five solid
minutes before the ‘Sue agreed to go with the Grox, giving Jack plenty of time
to escape.

“Whew, that was
almost really bad,” Jack whispered as soon as he had returned to his partner.

“But it worked
out.” Shawn said as he peeked into the room, making sure the lovebirds still
weren’t paying attention, “Now, should we discuss the fact that our ‘Sue heard
‘battleships’ and her first thought was marriage?”

“No, I think
that’s awful enough on its own without us commenting further,” Jack said.

The ‘Sue and
Grox had a brief chat about sleeping with aliens, along with a thinly veiled
comment from Kirk about not being an alien for long, which went right over the
‘Sue’s head.

The ‘Sue had a
dream, which Jack rather loudly pointed out couldn’t possibly be anything that
would happen in the future, and certainly wouldn’t be a plot point, in which
she was in space with Kirk talking about Grox moodiness. Then the ‘Sue woke up,
and things went, as Shawn attested, sort of like a bad reaction to drugs,
starting with an author’s note explaining that the ‘Sue was feeling like when you wake up and think that you have to
got to school or something but then realise you don’t have to. To continue
the bizarreness, a voice started talking in the ‘Sue’s head.

This voice
explained that it, or rather, she, was the False God That Will Come, who was
actually a real god. More than that, she had allied with Spode to select the
‘Sue as an agent that would hold great power, and that it was the will of this
god that the ‘Sue go with Kirk, despite the ‘Sue not trusting him yet.

“Back the truck
up. Ignoring the nine spelling and grammar problems, and the random not
trusting Kirk thing, are we really supposed to believe that she’s the chosen
one of not one, but two gods, who by the way, are at war?” Jack rambled.

“Just wanted to
make sure. And of course I kept count, I’m writing the charge list. Didn’t they
tell you about it during training?” Jack asked calmly despite his hand moving
frantically as he wrote in his notepad.

“Training was
mostly about how to handle the equipment. Don’t use the neuralyzer to take a
selfie and all that,” Shawn said.

In order to
prove that she wasn’t crazy, the ‘Sue had the voice in her head tell her
something only the ‘Sue would know. The voice responded to this by discussing
the time the ‘Sue had caused her guinea pig to die a slow, painful death
through neglect, then blamed it on a dog.

“I thought
‘Sues were supposed to be nice,” Shawn said.

The voice in
the ‘Sue’s head then commanded her to go with Kirk, or she would be controlled
like a puppet. Naturally, the ‘Sue responded indignantly, but then went along
with exactly what the crazy goddess wanted her to do anyway. She then went
downstairs where she was greeted by her family, and the agents were met with
another in-text author’s note.

(This
will be a very brief memory no need to write in lot of detail about it)(Imagine
your last day on earth.)

“Oh yeah, I’m
sure the last day I would ever spend with my family, friends, home, and everything
I’ve ever done save the past twelve hours would be a remarkably short memory,”
Jack said.

Of course, it
was a short memory, totaling out at seventeen paragraphs, four of which were
only one sentence long. Shawn and Jack had spent the whole time barely keeping
out of sight of the many non-canons around, including having to stuff
themselves into the trunk of the ‘Sue’s parents’ car.

“Hey Shawn, if
you knew that it was the last day of your life on Earth, what would you do?”
Jack asked.

“Find someplace
safe for my sister to go where she could be rich and happy. Or at least
somewhere she could be one of the two. You?” Shawn asked.

“Give to the
poor, go to church, pray a lot. Anything to make sure that when I went on, it
was to someplace I wanted to be,” Jack said.

“Yeah, but the
‘Sue isn’t dying, so she doesn’t need to worry about that. She’s going to
space. Which, apparently, is the same thing as getting married,” Shawn said.

“Hey, if some
girl asked me to go on space adventures with her, I’d marry her on the spot,”
Jack said, grinning.

“Anyone ever
tell you you’re not funny?” Shawn asked.

“Oh look the
‘Sue’s doing something,” Jack said, pointing at the ‘Sue in a pathetic attempt
to change the subject.

The ‘Sue was,
in fact doing something. That something just so happened to be getting
possessed by a false god and getting into a spaceship with a cape-wearing
emperor of an alien species. Jack made a note to reevaluate how he let his life
get to the point where that made perfect sense to him. A new Grox, who Kirk
identified as Lox, Kirk’s general, arrived. Then the two aliens drugged the
‘Sue. An author’s note informed the agents that this was supposed to mean that
the fic was getting romantic.

“Wait, how do
we get on that thing?” Shawn asked as the ‘Sue fainted and the spaceship took
off.

“Duh,” Jack
said, pulling his Remote Activator out of his pocket. It proved to be
unnecessary, as a scene change put the agents into another of the ‘Sue’s
dreams.

In this one,
the goddess informed the ‘Sue that she was no longer a human, and had been
transformed into a Grox. More importantly, the ‘Sue was now the empress of the
Grox empire.

“A battleship
is slightly more impressive than a ring, but significantly harder to flaunt
during dinner,” Jack observed. The goddess went on to discuss how she was a
self-proclaimed parasite who, despite having the ability to create entire
universes, instead chose to piggy back onto other universes, taking them over,
and then fleeing when the universe was about to die.

Evidently, she
wasn’t nearly as smart as she thought she was, and got trapped in the center of
the universe by Spode. Spode was also not as smart as he seemed, and allowed
the goddess to make the Grox. The ‘Sue was supposed to free the goddess and
bring peace to the Grox, which Spode was apparently on board with.

“Universes
die?” Jack asked.

“Sure. That’s
what happened to Earth 2. Sort of. It fused with the regular universe, then the
big reboot happened, and it’s back where it was before,” Shawn said.

“Remind me to
never ask you about where you’re from ever again,” Jack said.

The agents were
brought back to the fic as they were transported to Kirk’s ship’s medical lab.
The ‘Sue was waking up. Jack quickly backed into a corner, pulling Shawn with
him.

“The heck?”
Shawn asked in a whisper as the doctors commented on how special the ‘Sue was.

“Disguises,”
Jack said, opening a portal beneath their feet. In less than a second, the
agents crashed to the floor in their RC.

“Why are we
back here?” Shawn asked.

“I just told
you, disguises,” Jack said, pulling himself up to a standing position and
closing the portal.

“We had to come
back here to get disguises? That’s ridiculous. We have a whole team of
fantastically brilliant scientists, but they haven’t figured out how to make
holograms or something on demand?” Shawn fumed.

“Right, it’s
totally their fault, and I didn’t forget to pack something at all,” Jack said,
pushing a small metal cube off the console.

“You’re kidding
me,” Shawn said.

“All that
matters is that we’re here now, right? This is easily fixed,” Jack said.

“I thought I
would be working with a professional,” Shawn muttered.

“Yeah, well
I’ve been a professional pencil pusher for who knows how long now, so maybe cut
me some slack,” Jack said, gritting his teeth.

“Just get us
disguised,” Shawn said.

A few minutes
and one transformation into Grox later, Jack turned back from the console, “We
should be all set,”

“For real this
time?” Shawn asked.

“Just get through
the portal,” Jack said as he opened a portal.

The agents
stepped through into the medical bay they had been in before. Apparently, they
hadn’t missed much, as the only thing going on when they returned was Lox and
Kirk bantering and annoying each other.

“I kind of like
these two. They act almost like real friends,” Jack said.

“Aren’t you the
one who doesn’t have friends?” Shawn asked.

“I have friends
man, just not a lot that I hang out with regularly,” Jack said.

“Sure you do.
Anyway, I don’t like these morons. Them annoying each other is annoying me too,”
Shawn said.

Just then, the
agents were hit by an author’s note telling them to imagine the uniform the
‘Sue was wearing themselves, because the author could only imagine a Justin
Bieber hoodie and leggings.

“That was
actually painful to hear. More so than most author’s notes,” Jack said.

“How would you
know? This is the first day you’re hearing them,” Shawn pointed out.

The ‘Sue had
gotten to her room, which fortunately had a very large bed for the agents to
hide under, where she found a note from the lead scientist explaining that they
were both girls and that Grox hygiene was exactly the same as human hygiene
because the robotic parts of the Grox were waterproof. It was at this point
that Jack started smacking himself in the head with his notebook.

Then the ‘Sue
realized that she would never see anyone she had ever known ever again, causing
her to cry. After a short time, Kirk came into the room and told the ‘Sue he
knew how she felt, except that his family was probably dead. This somehow
stopped the ‘Sue from crying any longer.

“That’s not how
emotions work. If I’m sad, and you have the same reason to be sad, I’ll just be
sad for both of us,” Jack said.

“Maybe you’re
just an overly emotional twerp,” Shawn said.

“Sorry, I
forgot you were a nerves of steel gangster,” Jack said, rolling his eyes.

“Well don’t
ever forget again,” Shawn said, grinning.

The ‘Sue made
another comment about sleeping with a Grox, but tacked on that she was a Grox
this time before going to sleep. While she was sleeping, the ‘Sue had another
dream, where the goddess explained Grox government. Jack was paying rather
close attention, making occasional notes, but Shawn took it as an opportunity
to put in earbuds and zone out to the tune of Green Day.

Unfortunately
for him, another in-text author’s note disrupted the relative peace he had
gotten into as the ‘Sue woke up. As she did so, the goddess told her not to
tell Kirk any important information, because Spode could access his mind.

“I thought they
were working together,” Shawn said, turning off his playlist.

“I don’t think
the author actually knows anymore,” Jack said.

The ‘Sue and
her ‘Stu lover started kissing before being interrupted by Lox and a new,
female Grox who was identified by Lox as Brecca, who was, according to Lox,
both the lead scientist and an annoying fish.

“By God, he’s
almost as sarcastic as we are,” Jack said.

“I think you’re
just easily impressed,” Shawn scoffed.

After a few
more attempts to establish Brecca’s character, the agents were knocked into the
research department by a time skip. Fortunately, there were many other Grox in
the area, so the agents didn’t need to make an attempt at hiding, and were able
to blend into the crowd. The goddess took this opportunity to tell the ‘Sue
that female Grox were smarter, more curious, and more peaceful than their
counterparts. A handful of doctors, including one Dr. Peck, examined the ‘Sue
to make sure she hadn’t gone crazy.

After mere
moments, the characters were all notified of a squadron of warships in the
immediate area. Kirk insisted the ‘Sue come and help him negotiate. The ‘Sue looked out a window to see the battalion of ships
that was blocking her own ship’s path. She tried to show awe, but thanks to
lousy spelling, instead cause a lamb to materialize next to her. The
ships made contact, revealing themselves to be the squadron of one of the other
Grox emperors, Vautre.

“We’re going to
have to kill everyone here, aren’t we?” Jack asked.

“I hope so.
I’ve been put through enough already. How long until we kill them?” Shawn
asked.

“Looks like the
best place would be… about eleven chapters from now,” Jack said, looking
through the information they had been given on the fic. Shawn’s eyes went wide.

“How many?”
Shawn asked, shaking slightly and glaring at Jack.

“Um, you know
what? We really only need to see the most important departures from canon, so
let’s skip over a few things,” Jack said, fumbling for his Remote Activator.

“Nothing
important happens here?” Shawn asked. He was calmer, but his hands were still
curled into fists.

“The emperor
here makes a dumb decision, Vautre is established as an aggressive jerk, and he
allies with them because he has a thing for the ‘Sue,” Jack said, opening up a
portal.

“You know what?
That’s good enough for me,” Shawn said, stepping through the portal and ending
up in a crowded room.

“What’s going
on here?” Shawn asked.

“A party of
sorts,” Jack said, as he closed the portal behind him.

“Why are we
here?” Shawn asked.

“Take note of
Vautre acting like a perv and threatening Kirk,” Jack said, scribbling in his
notebook.

“I like this
guy. Angry enough to be a real Grox,” Shawn said.

“He just set up
a deal where he commits adultery with the ‘Sue. After this, he gets worse,”
Jack said, “Want to see?”

“Adultery’s not
that terrible. And no, I don’t, but we don’t get paid if we don’t see where
this goes,” Shawn said.

“We don’t get
paid very much either way,” Jack said, opening up another portal. The two
agents went through and came out in another dreamscape, in the corner of some
manner of lab.

“I have never
seen a piece of writing that has the character sleep so much,” Shawn said.

“Apparently,
the ‘Sue can only fit one or two important events in between naps,” Jack said.

“So what’s this
one about?” Shawn asked.

“The ‘Sue is
being taught about the goddess’ people. They used science to ascend to a higher
plane of existence,” Jack said.

“Just a second,
there’s some rather lengthy words to write in charges for this part,” Jack
said, writing like mad.

Before he could
finish, a massive power surge rocked the facility, and moments later, the ‘Sue
woke up. The agents had little problem crawling under the bed yet again, since
the scene change had knocked them both to the ground. Jack reached around for
his remote activator, but yet another scene change dropped them back in the
science labs.

“This is
starting to get really annoying,” Shawn said, sitting up and rubbing the new
bruises on his head.

“Hang on,
you’ll miss the part where they put the ‘Sue in charge of all science because
her brain is just perfect for the job,” Jack said.

There was an
explanation of how the Grox had an internet-like telepathic ability that
connects every Grox.

“You didn’t
think to use that when you were face down in an alley though?” Shawn asked.

“Maybe the
ships wouldn’t have gotten there in time?” Jack offered, “Then again, maybe the
author is just inconsistent.”

Vautre came
over and started necking on the ‘Sue before telling her they were making a jump
into another emperor’s sector of space. After arriving though, the Grox found
that there was already a large number of ships there. These ships though, were
part of the Wallisian fleet. Kirk hailed the other emperor’s ship. The ‘Sue
persuaded the emperor, Pyw, to join their makeshift alliance. Once Pyw had
agreed, Lox and Pyw’s general took over.

The other Grox
took up the job of finding a Wallisian to interrogate. Upon communicating with
Pyw’s ship and finding out which ship led the Wallisians, they started
discussing teleporting an officer over.

Brecca
clasped her hands together 'Great! Now we just fire teleportation beams
randomly at a spot we think any important people would be.'

“That awkward
moment when the characters outright say they’re just hoping to luck into the
right solution,” Jack said.

“They succeed
though, don’t they?” Shawn asked.

“Yeah, they do,
mostly because the goddess manipulates things. In fact, we can probably skip
ahead to when they’re interrogating the prisoner,” Jack said, opening the
portal.

On the other
side, the two agents were treated to watching Vautre torture the captured
Wallisian, then admit that he was only handling things physically rather than
via mind probe because he thought it was fun.

“Told you, this
guy knows how to Grox,” Shawn whispered, trying not to draw attention to
himself.

The two
emperors offered the ‘Sue a turn torturing the prisoner, and the goddess forced
her to accept. It was then explained that Grox have a natural tendency to enjoy
doing things that humans consider evil, and the goddess wanted the ‘Sue to get
used to denying the human part of herself.

“Then why pick
a human?” Shawn whispered through gritted teeth.

“Cause the ‘Sue
is speshul,” Jack said. The two agents waited around until the ‘Sue was told
she could keep the Wallisian alive and a prisoner before they portalled ahead.

The ‘Sue, on
her way to check on the captured Wallisian, had been caught by Vautre. He
dragged her back to his room. On the way there, the goddess explained that the
Grox did not consider this adultery to actually be bad because love and lust
are different things.

“Alright, I
know where this is going, so let’s just summarize here, because if I’m right, I
don’t think we really want to watch. The ‘Sue doesn’t want this to happen,
yes?” Shawn asked.

“Correct. And
it’s still going to happen,” Jack said.

“Of course, for
drama,” Shawn said, rolling his eyes, “And there’s going to be an unusual
amount of dialogue in it?”

“There’s…
what’s an usual amount?” Jack asked.

“Not sure. I
wasn’t that kind of criminal, you know? Let’s just chock this up to being a
whole mess of charges that shouldn’t be involved in Spore and get out of here,”
Shawn said.

“Sounds good to
me,” Jack said, opening a portal. They came out on the other side just outside
of the Kirk’s command room.

“Where are we
this time?” Shawn asked.

“The fun part,”
Jack said.

“Come again?” Shawn
asked.

“You get to
kill them now,” Jack said.

“Great. How?”
Shawn asked.

“I’ve been
thinking about that, and I think I have a plan. See, we need to kill everybody
who doesn’t fit in the regular canon, so the first thing we have to do is
decide who qualifies,” Jack said.

“Considering
the last scene, I’m thinking Vautre doesn’t exactly fit the PPC, and I don't remember the Grox being particularly willing to get all fleshy, so he's out,” Shawn said.

Jack took the
box for Spore out of his backpack and pressed it against the ‘Sue’s head,
“Avaunt! In the name of Will Wright, leave this… character,” The goddess
emerged from the ‘Sue.

“What? No! I am
the goddess that will come! I can create universes! You can’t do this!” It
shouted. Jack opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Shawn
shooting the wraith in the head.

“You forgot the
charges,” Jack said.

“They’re mostly
for the ‘Sue anyway,” Shawn said.

“That’s not
how… Fine, whatever. Avaunt!” Jack said, pressing the game to Kirk’s head this
time, “In the name of Will Wright, leave this character you deity wannabe,”

Shawn put a
bullet into the Spode replacement wraith before it could begin monologuing this
time.

“So then,
they’re gone?” The ‘Sue asked.

“Almost. Now we
have to perform the rights that will stop them from returning. Ahem,” Jack
said,

“Amy and Kirk,
you are charged with messing with Grox physiology, more spelling, punctuation,
and grammar errors than even I care to count, forgetting about your entire
family, as well as the rest of Earth, messing with Grox government, creating
the character Smiling Amy, getting married without actually having a proposal,
wedding, or any other hallmark of a marriage, using rape as cheap drama,
messing with Grox psychology, having bland and uninteresting romance scenes,
creating an alien species that ascended to godhood, had telepathy, and could
create universes, being Mary Sues, having prophetic dreams every single night,
and with somehow getting possessed despite being original characters. The
sentence for this is death. If you can get out last words before Shawn kills
you, feel free to,”

“Wait, that
keeps those spirits away?” Kirk asked. Shawn replied by putting a bullet
through his nose.

“Nice shot,”
Jack said.

“I was aiming
for his eye,” Shawn said, turning to the other ‘Sue.

“Kirk! My
love!” She shouted before a shot went into her neck.

“This stupid
Grox body is throwing off my aim,” Shawn said.

“I’m sure
that’s it,” Jack said, “Now come on, time for phase two,”

Jack sat down
in Kirk’s chair and hailed the lead ship of the fleet that was advancing on
them.

“Greetings!
Veara is it? This is Agent Jack of the PPC. We have commandeered this vessel,
and are preparing it for you to destroy. In return, we ask for five minutes to
evacuate our agents onboard,” Jack said.

A hologram of a
female Grox flickered onscreen, “Agent? What makes you think you can make deals
with me?”

“We just handed
you Kirk, his empress, and Vautre on a defenseless ship,” Jack said. The
hologram cocked an eyebrow.

“Oh really? Who
exactly do you work for?” She asked.

“You wouldn’t
believe us if we told you. Let’s just say that Kirk and his empire are our
mutual enemies,” Jack said.

“You have three
minutes,” The hologram said.

“Thank you,”
Jack said, disconnecting.

“Let’s get
Vautre and Lox,” Shawn said.

“So nice of the
author to give us two overly aggressive Grox with fleets. This one should fit
rather well back into Grox society once we’re done.” Jack said, “You get
Vautre, I have an announcement to make to the rest of the crew.”

Shawn pushed
the door open and ran in the direction of Vautre’s room. As he did, Jack’s
voice came over the ship’s communications loudspeakers.

“Attention
citizens of Kirk’s empire! Kirk… is dead. Sad, I know, but don’t worry, you’ll
be joining him. Before that though, you’re all charged with being bit
characters and with being both peaceful and sadistic at the same time. Except
you Brecca, you’re charged with being a bit character, peaceful, and with being
a special non-violent snowflake. Lucky you.”

By the time Jack had finished his
little speech, Shawn had arrived at Vautre’s room. He was tackled by Vautre as
soon as he’

“You punks are
the least subtle assassins ever,” He said. Shawn pushed him off and rolled
away.

“We’re not
assassins. We’re just doing their job,” Shawn said. A punch from Vautre sent
him hurtling down the hallway on his back.

“So, who’s
winning?” Jack asked as he stepped out of a portal.

“That depends
on how much help you’re going to be,” Shawn said, drawing his gun as Vautre
charged toward the duo.

“Pretty helpful,”
Jack said, opening a portal in front of Vautre and closing it once the Grox
emperor had gone through.

“Where’d you
send him?” Shawn asked.

“About two
miles east of here,” Jack said.

“Why?” Shawn
asked.

“Because the
only thing two miles east of here is the vacuum of space," Jack said.

“Weren’t we
supposed to charge him?” Shawn asked.

Jack opened his
mouth to speak, but almost immediately closed it. He stared at Shawn for a
significant amount of time before sighing, “Yes, yes we were.”

“Lovely. How
much time do we have?” Shawn asked.

“Just under a
minute,” Jack said.

“Cutting it
close. Let’s get Lox,” Shawn said as Jack opened up a portal.

The two agents
stepped through, finding themselves directly behind Lox, who had barricaded
himself into the room that the Wallisian had been tortured in before.

“You get to
live,” Jack said. The startled Grox whirled around and leveled a rifle at
Jack’s head.

“Ooh, sorry.
You’re aiming at the wrong guy,” Shawn said, pointing his own gun at Lox.

“Forgive my
more violent friend. As I was saying, you get to live. In fact, you’re the only
one on the whole ship. You heard us earlier, Kirk was possessed. That harpy
empress of his wasn’t helping. He was corrupted. We’re willing to help you
escape,” Jack said.

“Why should I
believe you?” Lox asked.

“If you don’t Veara
is going to tear you apart, along with the rest of this fleet,” Jack said.

“And I’ll shoot
you,” Shawn said.

“Yes, that too.
Basically, you can choose liberty or death,” Jack said.

“So I don’t
have a choice,” Lox said.

“I told you he
was competent,” Jack said. Just then, the whole ship shook.

“What was
that?” Lox asked, pressing the rifle into Jack’s chest.

“We ran out of
time. Veara’s started attacking. How long do you think it will be before a
torpedo hits us directly?” Jack asked.

“I’m a general.
I don’t leave my ship,” Lox said.

“Your boss is
dead. You’re not a general, you’re the emperor. As such, your life is the most
valuable thing on this ship,” Jack said. Another blast rocked the ship.

“How could you
get us out of here?” Lox asked. In reply, Jack opened a portal back to HQ.

“One way trip,”
he said.

“If this is a
trick, you die,” Lox said, pushing Jack through the portal before jumping in
after him.

“You know,
maybe Jack was right about this one,” Shawn smirked, running through the
portal.

****

On the other
side, Lox still had a rifle aimed at Jack, but wasn’t actually looking at
either agent.