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BIG BROTHER PHOTOCAP: Goodbye Coaches, Hello Drama

Well, the coaches are dunzo on Big Brother 14, and I have to say that while I thoroughly enjoyed the idea of teams competing against each other, the ensuing chaos in the household has been a perfectly lovely alternative for me. The show has more or less been reset — as Chenbot happily declared on Thursday — and now we’re back to twelve people vying for the half million dollar prize. Some might see this as an annoying step backwards but no — no it is not! This will just lead to greater chaos. Think about it: normally when there are twelve people in the house, it’s the first week of the season. Tension is usually low (unless someone like Willie Hantz is around to stir the pot) and people generally vote based on polite popularity contests. Now, however, we have twelve people who are all starting to truly hate each other. They have no idea how to align themselves, and better yet, they don’t want to work with each other. Take, for instance, Frank and Boogie, who trust no one. Or Britney, who trusts no one. Or Wil, who trusts no one. They’re all a disaster, and this twist has done nothing but make them all bonkers. I’m a little bonkers myself. I’m not even sure what I’m typing at the moment. I just know I have to keep typing or else I might pass out.

Anyway, Boogie has officially cast his pall on Frank, who I still like, but admittedly, he is picking up some of his mentor’s bad habits. Those habits include paranoia and bitterness. No good. This has thus transformed Frank into public enemy #1, which is a shame because I really don’t see what the guy has done to annoy everyone. He’s certainly no Joe, who yells at the top of his lungs in a church confessional I’m sure. And he’s definitely no Wil, who seemingly rehearses his Diary Room lines for hours on ends. There’s also this notion that Frank is strong and a fierce competitor, but last time I checked, he’d only won one competition (right?). Shane is the real threat on that front. Nevertheless, the scrambling has been great fun to watch, and I hope we get some old-fashioned screaming matches in the coming days and weeks. Someone at the very least better inject some life into Jenn, the quietest grrrrrl band member I’ve ever seen.

On to the photocap…

Ashley: “This is the worst trip to Red Lobster EVER!”

“This morning I told my dream board I wanted to eat a pineapple, and then this afternoon, I wound up on a pirate ship getting rained on, which wasn’t the same thing, but the wood was pine and the water tasted like old apples; so yeah, dream board still works!”

“I wonder where this pirate ship is headed. And I wonder why there aren’t any pirates on it. And do those pirates have any makeup?”

Frank: “And so then The Hulk gets really mad and jumps off the aircraft, and then Captain America needs to pull this lever or else Iron Man dies in this turbine thing, but there are bad guys fighting him, which was Loki’s plan all along–“Boogie: “Seriously, Frank. I’m trying to pee.”

Frank: “I love when we walk around like we’re in The Sims.”

Britney: “Seriously, I’m over this ship. Like, I hope it literally crashes into an iceberg, and we all die because I’d rather drown than hang on this stupid pile of wood and nails for one second longer.”

Danielle: “This is just like that movie. What’s it called? From Here to something?”Shane: “Batman!““That’s right: From Here To Batman!”

“It’s official: I don’t understand peanut butter.”

“I don’t like Janelle. She only wears ONE layer of foundation!”

Boogie: “Extra extra! Read all about it!!!”Britney: “Mike, I already told you: I don’t want to play 1907 Newsie again.”

“Has anyone seen my pancake mix or did THAT BITCH JANELLE steal it again?”“It’s behind you.”“Oh.”

Wil: “I love that we made an agreement that I would be safe this week. Wasn’t that the best?”Danielle: “Oh, was that you? I thought I told that to a fern.”

“Literally, if I have to listen to this girl talk any longer, I am going to grab every jar of jelly behind me and empty them into my throat until I suffocate with condiment asphyxiation. Death by Smuckers. It’s happening.”

Ashley: “Wow. Shane is so manly. I love a guy who can lift weights. I also love a guy who uses a giant pancake as a comforter. I bet Shane does that.”

“I wonder if people know I’ve been gently laughing here for three hours…”

The only way I can tolerate Boogie and Danielle is by imagining that the next time he gets an outbreak of genital warts, she’ll get stuck being his nurse. And her cure all…covering them up with some foundation, of course.

The “pancake mix” and “1907 Newsie” captions made me laugh long and loud. Great stuff, though my favorite of the BB season remains the “1986 Nintendo character” cap of Joe right before the Willie headbutting incident.