When NOT to Get into a DC Limo

I know you want to ride in a DC limo. Everybody does. And you can have this elite experience . . . assuming you

hire a DC limo service with a proper chauffeur like me to take you around.

Or assuming you’re a guest of someone who hires said limo service.

But you can’t just go climbing into any DC limo pulled up along the sidewalk. That’s bad manners.

Here’s a short list of who I will allow in my limo:

• The person who pays for my limo service • The people they tell me will be riding That’s pretty much it. So if you pay, or if you’re on the list from the day you’re booked, or if you show up the day of the ride and the person who paid says, “She’s with us,” then you can get in my limo.

Here’s who I will not allow in my limo:

• People wandering out of the airport with barely concealed smirks who spot my limo and ask me, “Who are you here for?” If I answer, “Mr. Smith.” The smirker says, “OH, that’s me!” Slick move, Mr. Not-Smith. Go away.

• People wandering out of clubs with stupid grins on their faces, nudging each other and saying, “Oh great, our ride’s here! Let’s go Jeeves!”

Not as slick as the airport guy. Go away.

• A guest at your wedding, who may or may not actually be your friend, and who may or may not actually be drunk, as they tell me, “I’ll just sit in the limo for awhile, I’m with the wedding party.” No, you’re not. Even if you are really a friend, you’re not on my list. Go away.

• Anybody who tries to treat my DC limo service like a short-notice DC car service. No, I won’t take you around DC while my clients are at dinner. No, I won’t “drop you off” as I chauffeur my clients to their destinations. Go away.

• That one guy who tried to get into my limo outside a DC restaurant, with one hand fruitlessly trying to open the door, and the other hand waving in the air, yelling “Hi-ho Silver! Away!” I actually kind of liked that guy. Still didn’t give him a ride, though. Letting these people into my limo, while it’s booked for you, would be so rude. It would be like if you were having a small private dinner with clients or friends, and the waiter suddenly sat a stranger at your table because the guy just wanted to sit there. When you hire a DC limo service, that’s your time. It’s reserved for you, and I’m going to do all I can to make sure your experience is as exclusive and entertaining as I can make it.

And to all those people who try to get in my DC limo without booking my service… You don’t know where my limo is going. You don’t know what my instructions are. My instructions could be: “Wait here for anonymous Client. Do not ask questions. Drive Client to warehouse on outskirts of DC. Do not answer questions. Drop Client off at warehouse door where two friendly looking Eastern European bench press masters will be waiting patiently. Ignore Client’s panicked cries as bench press masters escort him inside. Take limo on spin through DC and return to warehouse in three hours.” Sound like fun? It’ll be like your own version of a Hangover movie sequel–a misadventure with little to no redeeming humorous value. But you won’t have the luxury of the “living vicariously through actors” part.