Project Avitaglass: Like Kickstarter, but without pants

Project Avitaglass is my attempt to be able to afford the $2500 that it will cost to fly to New York, Los Angeles, or Mountainview to purchase and pick up my pair of Google Glasses.

Wearable technology is the wave of the future, and I want to be surfing that wave. Not literally, because I can’t even skateboard, but more in a figurative sense, where I’m laying down on the surfboard and someone is towing me by jetski. Or, given my size, two jetskis. Okay, three.

I could look as cool as this guy, but like a pasty white version who isn’t cool at all.

The downfall to being one of the few people in the world who are invited to take part of this project by Google is that I have to buy the glasses, and I just can’t afford them. And I only have the next two days to purchase them or that option is gone forever.

Why is Google requiring us to buy the Google Glasses? My theory is that they want to make sure people actually use them. If you got a pair of glasses that could take photos and shoot video and give directions and send texts and tweets and update Facebook and do a thousand other tasks, but they were buggy and still needed some honing before they were perfect, would you keep wearing them if you got them for free? I think that if you spend $1600 on a pair of glasses, you’re going to make sure that you wear them and use them every day until you die. At least, that’s how I feel.

I don’t want donations. I said that before – as someone who has always willingly given as much as he can to those in actual need – those who need food or shelter or to pay their bills so that they don’t lose their homes – I am NOT in need like that. Those people deserve every dollar you have to be donated.

Instead of asking for donations, which I wasn’t comfortable doing, I decided to make my own version of Kickstarter. You can purchase products, and the proceeds will go to (1) getting you the products that you want, and (2) purchasing Google Glass. You will get acknowledgements and be forever in my heart and genitals as a contributing member to Project Avitaglass.

What can you buy? It’s simple – anything I have to offer below.

Want a signed copy of my book, Interviews with Dead Celebrities? It’s only $15 (plus shippping):

What about a personalized digitally created Avitable cartoon for $40? It will be made exclusively for you! You will also get acknowledgement of your contribution and support, and a big hug!

Or how about a personalized digitally created Avitable cartoon AND an autographed book for only $50? AND acknowledgement AND a hug AND maybe I’ll grab your butt when I hug you!

And, for those of you who want to offer even more support, for $100, you will get a personal acknowledgment in the front of my next book! AND a hug AND I’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

For $200, I will write you a personal blog post on Avitable.com about you. It will be in that unique style that only I can do. It will be at least 300 words and will contain a cartoon created just for the post. The post will be linked to whatever social media you want, and will make you cry, laugh, get aroused, or maybe just smile really big.

For $300, you can get it all. Everything. A signed copy of my book. A personalized cartoon. A personal acknowledgement in my next book. A post about you. Additional acknowledgements of your support. A hug. A grope. Sweet nothings. And a lap dance.

And finally, for those of you with more money than you know what to do with, this is only available once. For $1,000, you will get everything above including a visit from me to your town (or closest reasonably sized town) sometime within the next 12 months and dinner for two at the restaurant of your choice. To be honest, this only exists as an option because I have a huge ego – I don’t actually expect anyone to purchase it. But IF YOU DO, I will follow through and take you out to an awesome dinner.

Thank you to those of you who have already joined Project Avitaglass and thanks in advance to those of you who will. And Ke$ha, if you’re reading this, please buy that last product. I want you to be my next ex-wife.

Wow. The cheapest flights I could find from your town to mine are about 1,200 $.
Are you sure you don’t want to make minor adjustments to your last offer?
Not that I have more money than I know what to do with, but… I’m seriously tempted.

Dude. If you can’t afford them, you can’t afford them.
People are going without food or housing. They go without reliable transportation or regular healthcare. There is a serious lack of resources to provide bare minimum basics to so many.
And you’re fundraising for a toy.

You’re the one putting shit out for public consumption. This usually means you’ll get feedback. Did no one fill you in on that?
Or are you only looking for head pats? My bad.
So sorry for not sharing my name, rank and social. Just not ready to give that info out, even to such a stand-up, morally incorruptible good guy like you.
Maybe if you buy me a motorcycle?

Awww, poor widdle pussy can’t stand up for its own words. Do you go leave the same sad comments on Kickstarter campaigns? Do you hang around garage sales and tell people they should just be spending their money on better things? Go back to your bridge, you sad little person.