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Friday, December 4, 2009

Real People in "Project Runway" Clothes (AKA: How to Lose Your Self-Worth in One Easy Outfit)

Sometimes, I shouldn't be adventurous. I should stay a fuddy duddy biddy who likes to watch re-runs of "Law & Order" on TNT all day long whilst lounging comfortably in my Nerds Candy Jammie Bottoms and tank top. But no. I say, "Yes, and!" to things. I have nobody to blame but myself for the events that occurred in my apartment this fair evening.

But to get to the present, we need to go in the "way-back machine" for a bit.

Let's float back in time to when life was a little easier and Project Runway was just getting started for the season. Remember when Tim Gunn was put out of his element?

"I'm still not sure who to sue over this complete breach of footwear."

It was Episode 3 and hopes were still high for a good season. It was the surf-wear challenge and I was really into this outfit by Irina & Johnny:

"Aren't I easy-breezy beautiful Covergirl in this outfit?

Oops - wrong model show."

I loved the causal-ness about it. Loved the top. Skirt looked fun and flouncy and light. And the macrame (in the back not shown) is beautiful looking. LOVE IT!

Well, my friend, Lauren, who is also a Project Runway enthusiast, bought this outfit during the online auction. We were so excited!! Happy fists! (Tangent: the site said it would take 6-8 weeks to deliver. In short: LIES! It took 3908432049 years. Okay, not that long, but she bought it in September and it JUST got here. You do the math. Even that new public school math. Either works.)

So Lauren showed up TODAY with the outfit and said: "Why don't you put it on?" I almost died. AHHHH! Super-duper excited dork fists! My inner Tim Gunn swooned and said: "MAKE IT WORK!"

"Thank goodness there's not a runway in my apartment.

I want a couch. Not a runway. A couch."

Ladies and gentlemen... I give you Johnny and Irina's outfit as interpreted by a gal (me) who is not 6' tall nor a size 0 or 2. Voila...

I have a few things to say about this outfit (other than, "Jennifer Eolin should never wear this!!"):

1) My arms are too "fat" to fit in the sleeves. So I (desperately) had to make them into a jaunty scarf/handkerchief combo. Yiiiikes.

2) Okay, so I enjoyed Thanksgiving a little bit, SHUUUUUUP!

3) The skirt weighs 39084309438039483 pounds and adds a ton of bulk to my midsection, which seems to be creating bulk just fine on its own. (See item #2)

4) OMG. Even Matida, in her adorable pink hoodie, is horrified and listed herself on Petfinder as "up for adoption."

"So," you may be asking yourself, "can it get any worse?" Oh yes, dear blog reader, why yes it can....

"Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. Does this make my bottom look big?"

WOW. I'm a size 4, people. (Okay, maybe on the cusp of a size 6 [no] thanks to Thanksgiving!) But other than some awesome calf muscles (squee!), this outfit, no matter the fit, is a miss. NOBODY needs this much skirt. And the hem is weird - it's shorter in the back than front (which us biddies look at as a bad thing).

But here... because I'm not totally done humiliating myself....

"BABY GOT BACK (FAT)!"

Sigh.............. I look like a tied up pork roast. (Which actually doesn't all together horrify me - mmm, bacon!)

But in the spirit of Tim Gunn, I make one more attempt to make this work...

"I can hear Kojii, Katie and Fatma laughing at me from here..."

"Pissed fists!"

So then, because I'm a spiteful wench, I made my friend, Lauren, put it on. Now. People. I must warn you. Lauren is very ugly. VERY UGLY. So keep that in mind when looking at her:

"Thank goodness I have a wonderful personality."

I warned you! HIDEOUS, right???

She's a size 2 for real, so the skirt fits her better, but still, it's got so much bulk in it. And she had to struggle to get her pin thin arms in those sleeves (which honestly could double as a blood pressure cuff). But then she turned around and well let's just say things got worse:

"I can't 'smize' with my butt."

In short, neither of us liked this outfit in the back. Bubble butts for sure. No matter the (awkward) pose. But we both agree that the macrame in back is truly beautiful (when not stretched to the max over my back fat):

"See, this is what it should look like.

Maybe Jennifer should lay off the bacon..."

So then for kicks, Lauren tried it on with her jeans just to see if it was better without the skirt:

Lauren does her best impression of the balloon

man outside the local cell phone store.

STILL WIDE. The hips are wide due to the way the band at the bottom has a double layer of fabric. If it was a single layer, it wouldn't lay as bulky. Oh sure, neither Lauren and I are the "correct size" for this garment, but still. Anybody over a size 00 needs just a single layer of fabric. And shorter sleeves. Seriously.

But some points of interest on the garment, since it's sold "as is" are the damages that come with it:

Lauren's armpit is now SAG eligible.

Who's fault is this? Steamer? Double sided tape?

I can only imagine what Johnny and Irina would say after seeing this blog:

9 comments:

Jennifer Eolin. While you continue to completely ignore my constant flirting, compliments and over-the-top creepy (which I understand, you ARE an old biddy in a nbb), I have to assert that you are completely thin, good looking and, well, good looking.

Your body is slender and lithe. I saw it on the runway in Assignment: Jennifer.

But this outfit is horrendous on you/normal people. Even your Yoo Gee Ell Why friend can't pull off the look.

So kudos to runway models for making it work (tho the outfits are made to fit them and are double-taped ALLEGEDLY), but thanks for the example to show us why those 'winning' outfits should go on display mannequins ONLY.

I heart you even more now that i know you have "Nerds Candy Jammie Bottoms" I swear in real life we'd be awesome buds! I mean we are super great internet friends but i'm thinking in real life we could get into some trouble as we sit on the couch drink coctails (cause i don't care for wine) and watch TV. I think you looked GREAT! well better than i would have looked anyway. How much you paying Lauren to be your friend?! :-) She's a great sport. As for Matilda she just wants you to stop messing around and cuddle!

I honestly don't think it would look bad if..-it was made in YOUR size...that outfit was obviously made to proportionally fit that particular model, so it's specifications are exactly to that person wearing it on the show.

..ever think about that?! haha Designers make SIZES. They don't just make a size 00-0 and call it a day.

Average people can pull off runway looks, it's just a matter of finding that particular runway outfit/item (or something similar at a much cheaper "Look For Less" price.) in your size.

Moved in today! My new bedroom set looks GREAT!! Sitting at my computer right now in my pretty bedroom! Sure, the rest of the house is utter chaos, but I have until 1pm tomorrow to put it all together before the kids get home. Easy!

Mintzworks - I'm glad you enjoyed it! And yes, the clothes belong on mannequins, not biddies.

Anonymous - BINGO IS THE BEST!!!!

Marcy - I love my Nerds Jammie Bottoms. They are super comfy. And I looks adorsables in them. ;)

ItsAmazing - I forgot to put my disclaimer at the top of this blog: I am an idiot at the expense of comedy. I obviously know that designers make other sizes. But I wanted to show just how "not model thin" I am at the clothes' expense... as well as my own. :)

Heather - Not blogging across I don't think... depends on internet access in hotels and whatnot. We'll see what happens! :D