Steve: If you're playing the game, you're winning. So when you quit playing you lose. So never stop playing. It was a trick.

Zack: Theoretical Finnish black man included for foreign market.

Steve: What if like you went to Finland and you went up to like a log cabin or whatever they have there and it turns out like in Finland RPGs are the coolest thing ever. Being a dungeon master is like being a stunt man.

Zack: I'm naming my character Riddick. I do all my own stunts.

Steve: Seriously, dude. Remember how fat chicks used to be super hot? Maybe Finland is like lost to time and RPGs will get you crazy sex with fine babes.

Zack: When was this time period when role playing games were cool?

Steve: Geneva, Wisconsin, 1978 through 1983. If I had a time machine that's where I would go.

Zack: If I had a time machine I would go back to about three hours ago right before I asked you if you wanted to do a WTF, D&D today and I would warn my past self not to do it.

Steve: It would create a time paradox because you only went back in time to warn yourself not to do the thing that prompted you to go back in time.

Zack: What about if I shoot myself in the brain? Will that create a time paradox?

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.