Tuesday, February 11, 2014

State of the West: Portland Trailblazers

For the next month or so, Hack-a-Shaq will be having these State of the West posts, which will be about the current and future state of each of the Western Conference teams. It will include some guest writers for certain teams and I'm really excited to see how this turns out. Enjoy! This post comes from good friend and Dodgers Digest commentator PFP. Thanks, PFP!Previous State of the West posts: Lakers |

Why You Don’t Want To Read A Sob
Story From A Portland Trail Blazers Fan Right Now

Greetings! P_F_P here, taking a break
from my regularly scheduled posting/campaigning for the 2016 election
over at Dodgers Digest to give you a basketball update from the
Pacific Northwest. Now, as usual, the Seattle Supersonics are a force
to be HAHAHAHA LOL oh man got you got there, aging grungeheads. Of
course, this update is regarding the Trail Blazers of Portland,
Oregon, who despite several disappointing, furniture-overturning
losses in recent weeks, are still a healthy 35-14 on the season (as
of February 7) and in the driver’s seat to grab their first playoff
spot since Brandon Roy had his own ligaments in his knee. Or since
Greg Oden still had the potential to be an All-Star. Or since the
front office wasn’t engaged in an annual game of musical fucking
chairs that always ended with a really good GM being shown the door.
Sigh.

Wait wait wait…”sigh”? What is
this bullshit, you’re likely saying out loud to an inanimate
computer screen? The title of this article wasn’t a lie? I
actually have to feel bad for the Blazers for a few minutes,
when I’m currently a fan of the
Hawks/Raptors/Wizards/Bobcats/Nets/Knicks/Cavs/Bucks/Clips/Warriors/Suns/Nugs/Wolves/Hornets/Kings?
(Don’t even fucking think about including yourself in that group,
Laker fans. Oh, two injury-plagued seasons and a moronic front office
getting you down? Go cry into your five commemorative championship
sweatshirts of the Kobe era and let us manic-depressive NBA fans be
manic-depressive together.)

The more I think about it, it is kind
of a dick move for me to be writing this article. I mean, I just
named about ten franchises in the NBA alone who have a bigger gripe
than the Blazers, and there’s dozens more pro teams that fit that
description as well. Plus, [retracted comment about there being many
more important things to worry about than sports]. So, fuck it. I’m
switching directions mid-article and making an argument about why you
don’t want to read another Blazer fan’s sob story. The
reasons, as follows:

Damian Lillard! 20.6 points, 5.7
assists, and that
honestly-kind-of-stupid-considering-how-many-deep-ones-he-takes .405
three-point percentage, the kind of stat line that only a nitpicker
annoyed with DL’s olẽ style of defense could take issue
with. And how ‘bout him getting picked for all five skills
competitions at NBA All-Star Weekend! He’ll be awesome and
praiseworthy and almost definitely won’t get hurt! Great
news for Blazer fans.

LA! Through 49 games, the best
season yet for Portland’s favorite adopted son: 24.1 PPG and 11.6
RPG easily eclipse his career highs in those categories, and I will
gladly ignore that it’s primarily because he’s taking a ton of
shots (21.0, also easily his career high). There’s absolutely no
reason to be at all worried about LaMarcus, even though he hasn’t
gotten one iota better at defense, rebounding, or protecting the rim
since arguably his sophomore season. LA FTW!

Other players who are good, like
trusty wings Nic Batum and Wesley Matthews and surprisingly solid
role players like Robin Lopez and Mo Williams, but since they’re
currently on your fantasy league’s waiver wire let’s just skip
them.

18-11 against the Western
Conference, bitches! (Used to be much, much better earlier in the
season…but so what!)

35-14! Thirty-five and fucking
fourteen! (Ugh, STOP sighing and telling me it was 22-4
before a nasty 4-5 stretch with losses to Philly and Sacramento, and
then 31-9 before a nasty 4-5 stretch that included a loss to
Washington [Washington, sheesh]. The team is playing better
than ever and definitely doesn’t need to add anyone at the trade
deadline. Because good news, they probably won’t!)

Only 36 straight seasons without a
title, and only 21 without reaching the NBA Finals. AT LEAST WE’VE
WON ONE/GOTTEN THERE, NUMEROUS OTHER NBA FRANCHISES.

So that’s basically it. Six solid
reasons not to feel sorry for Blazer fans, or the Blazers, in any
way, shape, or form. See you in fall 2015 when we will absolutely
definitely be the defending NBA Champions (note: this message has
been partially recycled from 1992, 2000, and 2010).