I’ve noticed that a lot of people (by this I mean men) don’t seem to know how to break up with someone. Instead they go all quiet, disappear and hope the other person doesn’t notice. How old are we 8? This has got to stop! A guy tried this on me recently. He disappeared, made me break up with him, fucked someone else and then tried to come back? Erm, no! So here is the best and easiest way to break up. Have the courage of your convictions!

Give me a reason

It’s not you it’s me doesn’t work anymore. Try to be honest. I know a lot of people find this difficult but just say “I can’t see us ever getting married” or “I find your obsession with golf worthy of a mental health referral” or “I need more than sex once a month” and make sure you can articulate it without argument

Are you sure, sure?

Make sure this is what you want. This need to end it may be a passing emotion or a relationship stuck in a rut. Take your time before ending it as making up again is harder. Give yourself a few weeks and make a decision that isn’t based on a recent fight or incident. I tend to know before I date them that it’s not going anywhere so the sell by date was always there.

Band Aid

If you’re going to end it do it quickly and as clearly as possible. Don’t say you think you want to breakup. Say you’re breaking up with them for these reasons which can’t be fixed. Fast breakups tend to be less messy. Oh and then stop taking their calls. None of this closure nonsense.

Leave a gap

A lot of you want to break up then still be friends. You may be able to be friends again eventually but initially you have to give the other person space to recognise that you are no longer together. So stop texting, calling them or hanging out for a while and then maybe be friends later. And please stop fucking them. Despite the fact you may both say it’s just sex you both know there is a chance that it will get messy. Get new sex. Isn’t that what everyone wants anyway?

Be consistent

Some of you breakup but then don’t want to see your ex with someone else. Or you break it off and then still rely on them for help or advice. Your message has to be consistent. The relationship is over. You can’t oscillate between being a partner and being a friend and not expect them to think you’re giving mixed messages. You have to stand by your position. I need to stop inviting mine to fix things at my house. I know my precious. It’s time to get a handyman I pay for ….with cash.

Move on

If your ex wants to get into conversations afterwards or a post mortem then try to ensure it doesn’t escalate into an argument. You have to be the bigger person and avoid any arguments on past issues. Being right may have to be sacrificed for self-preservation.

Good luck! Chances are they won’t disappear without a fight especially if they didn’t see it coming. But what do you care? You’re free!