Parents all around the world are revising their "don't play with matches warnings." I recommend some of the following...

- If you play with matches, George W. Bush will come visit you.

- If you play with matches, Arnold Schwarzenegger will wet your bed while you're still in it.

- If you play with matches, you'll cause over $1 billion worth of damage and it's coming out of your allowance, Mister.

- If you play with matches, FEMA will stage a press conference that paints you in an unflattering light.

- If you play with matches, Al-Qaeda will come get you...and try to recruit you.

- If you play with matches, you'll kill 14 people, destroy 2100 homes and your parents will turn you in for the $285,000reward for your ass.

THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

Yesterday, I asked...

"Pamela Worden of Warwick, Rhode Island has been accused by police of stealing a parrot and doing what?"

50% said "Sewing it to a pirate costume"- Sorry, Matey. Tis the wrong answer. Here's an obligatory "Arrrrr."

37% swore it was "Teaching it racial slurs"- Polly, want a cracker?

No one swallowed "Eating it"- Parrot tastes like chicken, in which case, just eat chicken.

Only 13% got the right answer "Cutting off its leg"

According to the Associated Press, prosecutors say Pamela Worden walked into a pet store in May, stole the $500 bird and later snipped off one of its legs to remove an identity tag. Prosecutors are seeking a prison sentence for Worden for possessing stolen goods and cruelty to animals. I couldn't find any information on how the parrot is doing. My hope is that it survived the ordeal, has been outfitted with a nifty peg leg, and has found a nice pirate with a matching peg leg to take care of it.