Category Archives: when I do stupid things

So, it’s been a shocking thirteen whole days since my last post. But since I’ve already bared my soul and my sincerest of apologies to you for past absences, I say let’s skip that usual drill this time. You all know that I’m sorry.

So, on to this post’s business… Below you will find the highlights of my life over these past thirteen days. You will notice that this list includes nothing really exciting or note-worthy. That’s because nothing really exciting or note-worthy has happened to me over the last thirteen days (and when I say that, I am momentarily forgetting about my wonderful Thanksgiving, Bobby’s week-long visit, two whole days off from work and a few glorious conversations with some long-lost friends). But somehow, despite the lack of excitement in my life, I have managed to have some giggles and a few “what the fuck” moments – those of which I can remember are chronicled below. Enjoy.

1. I don’t know why it has taken me 14 weeks to open my eyes and look at the signs posted in front of almost all of the doors at North Lake Community College, but I happened across this little gem last week while I was waiting for Nancy to return from the women’s room. I guess we’re slightly less likely to die if we duck-and-cover in C252 than if we do it in the hallway…?

2. We covered bacterial diseases of the genital system sometime last week in Micro. During that discussion, Dr. Su provided me with a plethora (props to me for using that SAT word) of wonderful quotations, which I will now pass on to you…

“I didn’t cheat on you yet, doesn’t mean I won’t…I’m a pig”

“just grow extra hair in your nose” (during a discussion about what would happen if you couldn’t sneeze)

“If you vomit on them, they run away”

“Men are tough. Hey, you got a little drip? You don’t talk about it.”

Fetus = “happy tumor”

“Sometimes they say ‘Oh! I got a pimple on my thingy!'”

“Sex is dangerous”

3. Last week at dinner, my brother announced, “I learned how to make sandwiches today in my Skills for Living class.” My parents didn’t really know what to make of that, but I got a good laugh out of it.

4. The second disc of the new Trans-Siberian Orchestra album has been playing non-stop in my car for the last week and a half. Brilliant.

5. Yesterday I went shopping with my sisters. While they were trying on stuff, I was browsing the “tops” clearance aisle and I found a cute, strapless, rose-colored garment that looked a bit too long to be a dress, but I thought would go really well with a pair of jeans. So, I went to the dressing room to try it on. But after I unzipped the zipper and slipped it over my head, it became very clear to me that something was wrong. Of course, before I had a chance to take it off, I heard “Hale? Are you in here?” and, like an idiot, I responded and the next moment, my sisters were banging on the door to my stall. And because sisters are programmed to operate in particular way, it wasn’t enough that I said “I really don’t like it. I look stupid wearing this.” They had to see it. So… I opened the door and the first words out of Bobby’s mouth were, “why are you wearing that skirt on your chest?” I’ll let you imagine my embarrassment and the inordinate amount of teasing that followed. But anyways, I ended up buying it. I really like it – as a skirt.

That’s all I can remember for now. I might update this list as things come to me, but probably not. December is coming! I hope you all are prepared.

#1: It was the last day of our week of perfect days on the beach. Grace and Graham had just had a long scuffle over who got to sit in which chair (I have a video of this, it’s really entertaining, but Grace has forbidden me to post it on the internet).

Now, to understand the next (and completely inconsequential) part of this story, it is pertinent for you to know just how my family operates. As you certainly know, I have three younger siblings. And as so often happens in families, there is always something that everyone wants, but which can only be had by one or two. In life we call this the basics of economics. But as it happens in my family, the most sought-after commodity (and this can take the form of the most comfortable chair in the family room, the best blanket, the last ice cream cone…) is given to the child that either gets to it first or to the child that gives the child that does get to it first a big enough incentive (usually the freedom from some sort of physical pain or annoyance) to give it up. However, there are two sacred rites which no one will ever dare violate. Should one choose to leave their coveted seat, calling “seat check” protects it against any who hope to claim it in your absence. The second are the traditional rules of shotgun, of which I am sure you are all very well aware. Calling “seat check” and “shotgun, no blitz!” are as much of our daily routine as being given another child’s newly-washed clothes back from the laundry and eating food off each others’ plates (I know this makes us seem a little barbaric but, unfortunately, that is sometimes not too far from the truth).

So, on this particular day at the beach, Graham had stolen the beach chair Grace had been sitting in and refused to give it back to her because she hadn’t called “seat check”. After much throwing of sand, name-calling and yelling, Grace stormed off to go walk with our mom along the beach and Graham stormed off in the other direction, our dad running to catch up with him soon after. This leaves me and Bobby alone with the six chairs. Naturally, in my mom’s absence, I move to her chair (the superior of the whole group) which is right next to Bob’s. We chat, laugh about what has just happened and taste my mom’s margarita. Eventually my mom comes back and (because you don’t mess with the mom) I start to stand up to give her back her chair. But as the muscles in my legs begin to contract to bring me out of that lovely chair, a loud ripping sound erupts from the seat and I fall back into the chair. My mom no longer wants to take her seat back and Bobby is crying from laughing so hard. And I refuse to leave the chair in an attempt to maintain some tiny bit of dignity and keep them from having a chance to survey the damage and further fuel their laughter. About fifteen minutes later though, my mom found a critter in the sand and because I just couldn’t pass that up, I leave and Bob snaps this picture for whatever future evil plans she has against me:

#2: We have an automatic gate (and by automatic I mean it operates much like a garage door, in regards to the button device that people clip to their cars’ visors) that opens up to the alley behind our house. Because Grace has finally gotten her license, I have been driving the oh-so-large suburban, which we park behind the house. On this not-so-special day, I was taking Bob and Graham to get a haircut. We all climb into the car, I turn on the ignition and press the gate button. And I start to back out thinking, “I’m such a pro at this. I’ve been driving this thing for 4 weeks. I’ve got this down. I could probably do this with my eyes closed. Yeah, I’m sooo slick.” And then there’s a big crunch and Bobby screaming at me to stop. And then I’m out of the car and my mom is yelling at me, “Haley Marshall! How many times have I told you to look behind you while you’re backing up?!” (you know it’s really bad when she uses both of your names) and I feel more like an idiot than I ever felt slick.

So, I knocked the gate off its track and completely un-welded the chain that the motor uses to pull it back and forth and bent the gate’s frame just enough that it no longer opens and closes smoothly. And I now owe my mom $180.

Stay tuned. I’m sure there will be plenty more of these posts in the future.