It’s time for the first of what hopefully becomes a regular Q&A segment with our new resident agony aunt, Second Lie. It’s all about sharing insights, finding common ground and a healthy dose of cynicism.

Remember, if you want to get your own slice of wisdom, you just need to contact us and we’ll forward your question on. Pretty much any issue is up for discussion, as long as it’s legal and potentially interesting!

It’s a win-win-win scenario: you get enlightened, Second Lie gets to spread his love and magic and we get to fork out money to Relay for Life. Does it get any better than that?

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Dear Second Lie,

A nightclub is having a Costume Contest this evening, so I went to a store and purchased a nurse costume. But SL said there was a “security error” with the transaction so my money is gone but I got no outfit.

So I went to a different store and purchased a nurse costume, and I waited “up to 15 minutes” (as directed) for SL to complete the transaction, but it never did, so my money is gone and I got no outfit.

So now I’m broke, so I went to XStreetSL to get a free costume, but the FREEBIES category doesn’t permit word-search.

Tell me, Second Lie, when you need a new outfit within the next 15 minutes, what do YOU do?

Thank you so much for your expertise!

Sincerely,

Second Life Addict & CoDependent

Dear Second Life Addict & CoDependent,

First off, congratulations on getting the last names of Addict and CoDependent.

We’re proud of our limited-release Mental Health Awareness Month names, which not only highlight many popular disorders out there in the real world, but they provide fair warning to anyone crossing paths with these headcases.

(I was going to get CoDependent myself, but you weren’t around to tell me if it was a cool idea to get one. Do you think it’s a good idea to get one? I’m not sure, maybe it is, I don’t know, what do you think?)

Anyway, we’re awfully sorry about you not getting your product and losing your Lindens as a result of the mussed-up transactions, but here’s a bit of friendly advice: don’t buy anything unless there’s been an “In-World Issues” post to Twitter by @SecondLife. Then, when they give the all-clear, it’s going to be safe to buy things for a few hours until the whole system comes crashing down again.

Getting this advice now won’t help you with your immediate predicament, for certain, so how do we get you an outfit lickety-split that will for-certain win you the contest?

Well, when it comes to getting dressed in a hurry, never underestimate the power of copybotting. Hop over to another party that’s just finishing, rip the winner’s clothes right off of their back, and head over to your party. Sure-fire way to win, even if it puts you on every wanted poster at the Lab.

Next, there’s always The Library… a little mix-and-match, a few impromptu clothing layers, and you’re got Cardboard Robot-Headed American Flag Faced Girl Next Door, Snowy Gamer Guy Skull-Headed Fireman, Punk Grass-Shirted Businessgirl Furrytail, and Man Made Of Old Wood Who Likes To Glue Lots Of Torches To His Body. The possibilities are endless!

Fifteen minutes is a little short notice, but there’s always an ex-Mentor at the Orientation Islands wandering around, grousing about how they got screwed over and lost their Linden Scouts Toadying Badge. Just repeat “A/S/L” and “I need a job” enough, and they’ll drop an outfit folder on you that they’re prepared for newbies. (Which is also full of advertisements and landmarks for their store – the REAL reason why most content creators joined Mentors, you know.) Do it enough, and one will accidentally drop some actual decent stuff… wear that and teleport over to the party!

Last but not least, who is this party being thrown by? If it’s the Lindens themselves, then it doesn’t matter what costume you wear because you’ll look far more cool and flashy that any of them on the grid. Have you seen what some of these lazy bums are going around wearing? Heck, the creator Philip himself goes around with that creepy spiked hair and blingy codpiece. If he’s there, you’ll look dashing and magnificent by comparison if you’re wearing just a plywood cube!

Good luck with the contest, and remember: I get 25% of your winnings.

Love,
SecondLie

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Hello Second Lie,

I work in SL as a producer of a TV show called “Live n Kickin” for Treet.TV. It is about live performance and is filmed all across the grid, sometimes venues but usally not. We try to match up our performers with locations that we feel suits their music or personality or just looks fantastic and would make great machinima to watch while they perform. Sometimes there is a struggle of visions for the show – our production company has one vision and the artist has another, and they are usually quite opposite of each other and meeting in the middle can be next to impossible. They want to stand and sing on stage at Carnegie Hall and we want them in a empty wherehouse or on the deck of an aircraft carrier because we know how great it will look on film.

My question is: what would be proper etiquette here when we don’t meet eye to eye? Tell them to shut up and ‘trust us we know what were doing’? Go along with what they want even though we don’t like it? Something else? Remember, no-one really wants to tune in to see a musician standing there playing the guitar or whatever for 30 mins on UncleFrodo47 Tipmongers lil venue stage over at live-music-is-awesome sim, or they would not watch the show they could just listen!

Delinda

Hello Delinda!

Ah, yes. It’s always the struggle between the performer and the producer trying to bring out the best of that performer for the medium, isn’t it?

My advice to you is to let the whiny baby prim-adonna performer have their way. I mean, they know best, right? They’re performing in Second Life, not some coffeeshop or bar or biergarden or county fair or Carnegie Hall or somewhere they actually might get some press for their absent talent.

Fuel their delusion with apparent submission to their experience and wisdom. Concede to them on every point. Give in. Yield. Let them believe that they actually have potential and talent when you know they’re just a washed-up hack or a deluded fool craving fame like a cat craved catnip-filled socks.

On the evening of the performance, they’ll get rezzed on a stage made of Old Wood textures and sploders and cheesy speaker stacks. They’ll struggle with the microphone poseball and end up leaning back and forth like a pathetic Chuck-e-cheese animatronic, covered with pizza-vomit from frightened birthday kids.

It doesn’t matter. Let them have their way. Heck, their pathetic fans will still come and hoot and holler, even if the stream’s set to NPR news stories.

Meanwhile, fire up a second session with the -multiple flag and get over the kick-ass location you’ve busted your hump to find. Fill it with all your best-looking friends, and then have someone work up an alt with the best guitar-playing animations you can find. Unlike the performer, your friend will be able to sync the animations to the music, stopping when the music stops and switching from gentle strumming to hard long windmill loops.

Obviously, the show to film will be the “shadow” show you’ve arranged. (It’s not like those prim cameras actually have film in them, right? Ha ha!)

Sure, there’s always risk of your deception being caught before you get the episode in the can. The performer might ignore your warnings to ignore requests for teleports, they may have such a huge ego that they’ll want to watch the show on another window, etc. But if you assume that they’re barely able to afford a clunky desktop and a dialup connection, they
shouldn’t be able to handle much more than just the stream and a minimized SL window on Low.

Once the show is over, tell the performer what you’ve done, and if they don’t want to look like a total jackass they’d better keep their trap shut
and play along with the ruse.

Oh, and while you’re at it, here’s a services contract to sign for the new awesome-looking avatar outfit and the animation set… sign here… and here… and then here…

Second Lie is arguably one of Second Life’s most interesting people. I’ve run across him a few times over the past three years and every time found him to be mightily amusing, as well as having some great insights on everything Second Life. I can’t tell you a lot more except that he’s based in the United States and makes some pretty impressive content in Second Life.

In recent weeks I asked him if he’d be interested in writing for The Metaverse Journal and he’s kindly agreed.

On a regular basis, Second Lie will answer any question you may have on Second Life. Whether it’s negotiating the etiquette of personal relationships in-world or the potential pitfalls of becoming a Second Life entrepreneur, Second Lie will do his best to simultaneously enlighten and entertain.

Here’s how to get started: just use our contact form, which contains an option to select ‘Submit a question for the Second Lie column’. We’ll forward every question on and we’ll publish responses in groups each week or fortnight depending on volume.

Even better, you’ll be helping to fund Relay for Life. Each time a group of responses is published, Second Lie has requested his payment go to that rather than his pocket. A funny, intelligent columnist with a philanthropic streak: does it get any better?

If you want a taste of Second Lie’s approach,check him out on Twitter. Start submitting those questions so the fun can begin!