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Septic systems range from the very simple to the extremely complex. Even on the simplest septic systems there are still many things that can go wrong. If you believe that septic systems are something you bury and forget about, then I guarantee that you will come across many of these problems. There are simple things anyone can do to keep their septic system running properly for decades.

First a general description of a septic system. The system starts where the common drain leaves the house. This drain can go to a municipal sewer or to an individual septic system. The water flows by gravity into the septic system. The inlet to the septic tank is protected by a T shaped baffle. It is open on the top and bottom. It is designed to contain floating debris in a small area and to direct solids to settle down towards the bottom. The water is contained here where solids settle out to form a sludge layer and floating objects form a scum layer. In between there is a clear zone where the water has very few solids. The water in the tank is treated by anaerobic bacteria. The bacteria break down organic compounds in the water until there is almost nothing left.
The water leaves the tank through another T shaped baffle on the other side of the tank. This one goes down to the clear zone and allows clear zone water to exit the tank without coming into contact with the scum layer. Some tanks have a septic pump, the pump is installed on the opposite side of the inlet and at the expected height of the clear zone. Larger tanks might have a dividing wall to keep sludge and scum on one side and clear water on the other side.

Basic Septic Tank Design (source: biozoneseptoc.com)

The sludge layer if not removed every three to five years can cause a major failure of the entire system. Not everything can be broken down completely. There are always things that either never breakdown or breakdown too slowly and they accumulate. The sludge layer will eventually reduce the capacity of the tank and the solids will block the inlet or the outlet of the tank. The sludge layer will be a rapid problem if the people using the system treat the toilet as a garbage can.

The scum layer is all the floating solids the get flushed into the system. Grease and oils cause a large part of the scum problem. But they are far from the only culprits. Cooking oils and grease coat the walls of the pipes and tanks and slowly reduce the size of the of the inlet and outlet eventually blocking them, and you can see how that is a problem.

The drain field is where the treated effluent gets released back to the environment. It may be called something else like a tile bed or weeping tile. They are usually subterranean but can sometimes be on the surface. Regardless there are still buried pipes and they are easy to collapse if you drive a vehicle over them. Lawn tractors are OK but even compact cars are too heavy for the shallow plastic piping. If the piping becomes cracked or even a section collapses then pipe will become blocked with dirt and your waste water will have nowhere to go except back into the house.

Hydraulic overloading is the technical name for putting too much sewage into your septic tank. This can happen if you have a party and there are more people using the system or if the sludge layer reduces the capacity of the tank. The end result of overloading is that poorly or untreated sewage leaves the system negatively impacting the surrounding area.

Leaks are bound to occur with age. You can also create leaks by driving over the tank and excavating too close to the tank. Leaks are a huge problem once they occur. The groundwater and soil contamination is extremely expensive to clean up. You may also be liable for damage to the neighbor’s water supply depending on the riparian laws where you live. A leaking tank needs to be replaced immediately.

Proper maintenance will prevent most problems. The worst thing anyone can do is to bury the septic system and forget about it.

Super chlorination is a technique used to clean and disinfect water holding vessels that cannot be washed in the traditional sense. This is different from your standard disinfection, which is for cleaning the water, not the container. Super chlorination is used when reservoirs become contininated with microorganisms or have been emptied for any reason (indicating possible esposure to contamination).

Super chlorinating is simple. On a very basic level, it is just adding a large amount of chlorine to a reservoir either as a wash applied directly to the wall or as a very strong chlorine/water solution which fills the entire reservoir.
On a more specific level, it is dependant on the strength of the hypochlorite and the amount of time the chlorine is left in direct contact with the container. The stronger the chlorine the less time required. For example, if you decide to spray the walls with straight 10% sodium hypochlorite then there is almost no time required. Whereas the normal chlorine levels in most municipal drinking water systems is not enough to ever disinfect the vessel it is in. Those low levels of chlorine will only protect the water from contamination in a reservoir that is already free of contamination.

Now you might be asking how to figure out how much chlorine to add to make super chlorinated water. If you think all you need is to dump a large amount of chlorine in then I will point out that releasing large amounts of super chlorinated water into the environment is illegal in most jurisdictions. So it is necessary to calculate how much dechlorinating agent is needed. The easiest way to know the dechlorinating needs is to measure the amount of chlorine added. In order to save money or time it is best to calculate the ammount of chlorine necessary.

50 mg/L (50 ppm) of available chlorine is a great place to start. 50 mg/L left for 24 hours will meet the best pratices and standarized procedures for most jurisdictions in North America. Below is a table outlining how much chlorine you need to add for various volumes of water.

Super Chlorination Volumes at 50 mg/L (from the City of London Port Health Authority)

From this chart you can see exactly how much chlorine to add. Add the hypochlorite solution when the system is haIf full. Then fill the tank or reservoir the rest of the way with clean water. If you are disinfecting something with plumbing, like a building or a boat, then make sure the super chlorinated water makes it to each cold water faucet by flushing until you can smell chlorine (or can measure it). Do not flush the hot water faucet. all you will do is waste chlorine and hot water.

This procedure will disinfect any reservoir. Regardless of the levels of bacterial contamination, because if it doesn’t work the first time repeat the process until it does. The most likely culprit if super chlorination doesn’t work the first time is that a pipe connected to the tank wasn’t flushed completely.

Whether you have a large tank of reserve water or your rain barrels start growing dangerous microorganisms, you may need to super chlorinate one day.

Potassium Permanganate is a very versatile chemical. It can be used for disinfection, removing hardness, removing iron and manganese. It has another health related use, it can be mixed into a paste and used as a topical salve for athlete’s foot (or similar problems). As a result potassium permanganate is a great addition to any emergency preparedness supplies.

Potassium Permaganate has the chemical formula of KMnO4, and it comes as a deep purple dry powder. This chemical is a very powerful oxidizer and it should not be stored anywhere near acids or fuel sources or it could result in fires, explosions and/or toxic gases being formed. Explosives is another use of this chemical (one which I will not be explaining here). This chemical can be stored for over a year if it is kept clean and dry and in a sealed container.

Before touching the dry powder, make sure you wear a particle mask (ideally a N95 or better). This chemical will irritate the airways if inhaled directly. Also the powder once mixed with water becomes a powerful dye. It will stain clothes permanently, stain skin temporarily and cause corrosion on any metal or masonry it touches. Anything that becomes exposed to a potassium permanganate solution becomes brown, a similar shade of brown to a henna tattoo.

To make a topical treatment with KMnO4 mix the dry powder with water until it has the consistency of playdoh. Apply the mixture on the affected area and repeat as necessary. Remember that I am not a doctor and I am not giving medical advice. I am only outlining that this chemical CAN be used for medical purposes. Whether or not you SHOULD use KMnO4 for medical applications is not something I can tell you.
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Potassium permanganate is very similar to sodium hypochlorite in the sense that they both disinfect water through oxidation. Disinfection of drinking water can be achieved by adding it to the water until the water turns pink. The pink in the water is the residual potassium permanganate. Meaning that there is nothing left to use up the chemical and any bacteria has been used. Think of the pink water as being similar to the point where you can smell bleach when using sodium hypochlorite for disinfection. Just like with the smell point of bleach has surpassed the disinfection point, you do not need to keep adding KMnO4 until you see pink. Disinfection has occurred well before you can see a lasting pink tint to the water. Using the color change is a simple and easy to remember method for disinfection of drinking water. And if the pink tint disappears at any time then you know you need to add more of the chemical to redisinfect the water.
If you want to avoid pink water and spend less money on chemicals you can buy a testing kit for manganese. Most kits can measure the residual levels of KMnO4 at levels well below the pink water threshold and well above the disinfection requirements.

For better results with disinfection it is best to filter the water through a greensand filter. Now this is not an indication of the color of the sand (it is actually black in color). Greensand is an activated filter media designed for removing iron and manganese through a process called ion exchange. The good news with a greensand KMnO4 combination is that the potassium permanganate will reactivate the filter media.

One thing to note is that potassium permanganate once added to water will make the water more corrosive. If the water is very pink it can also stain any container it is stored in. The pink water is perfectly safe to drink. I mean the water is not dangerous because of the pink coloring. It may however be dangerous for another reason or contaminant.

Another thing to note about KMnO4, is that if you add it to chlorinated water it will form a percipitate (solid). This is manganese dioxide, it is harmless except it will consume all the available chlorine in your water leaving you open to contamination from microorganisms.

With a few simple precautions KMnO4 is an excellent chemical to have on hand. It can be stored longer than sodium hypochlorite (bleach) and it can be added directly to the water unlike calcium hypochlorite. It also is very easy to see when enough of the chemical has been added. If there is a lasting pink tint that doesn’t disappear with time then the water has been disinfected.

When it comes to disinfecting your own drinking water, always be careful with the quality of chemical you use. They are not all created equal. The north american standard for chemicals used in drinking water is NSF/ANSI 60. Choose chemicals that meet this standard above ones that don’t. The will be significantly safer for your health and well being.

As with all my disinfection articles, I will remind you to always drink the safest water you can and combining treatment techniques is the best way to achieve safe drinking water

Storm-water ponds are the closest alternative source of water for many people living in urban areas. In an emergency this source of water may be all that is available to you. Eventually any water you have stored will be consumed and the water in a storm-water pond may be the difference between life and death. With the proper treatment your local storm-water pond can be a great backup source of drinking water.

Industrial storm-water pond (source: info.evergreen.ca)

Storm-water presents a unique set of challenges during treatment. Because storm-water ponds collect surface water, the water is exposed to all the contaminants on the ground in the catchment area. This includes but is not limited to pesticides and fertilizers applied to lawns, motor oil and gasoline leaking from vehicles and litter like cigarette buts. It all ends up is the storm-water pond. Those chemicals are already in storm-water ponds on a normal day. During an emergency there may be additional contamination from sewage runoff from an overloaded or broken sewage system. The water in the pond will also contain all the microorganisms like ecoli, giardia and cryptosporidium normally in surface water. Any one of these will make you very sick if you get infected with them.
Finally, there will be high levels of nitrates in storm-water ponds. Too much nitrates consumed by young children can cause blue baby syndrome.

The first step in treating water from a storm-water pond is straining. Straining the water through a cloth or loose sand filter will remove large particles (ones you could pick up with your fingers). Remove as much of the suspended particles from the water as you can. Straining the water first will extend the life of your proper water filter.

If you have a clarifying agent like aluminum sulfate, this is the best time to add it to the water. It will make contaminants too small to be filtered become attracted to each other and become significantly larger. Larger particles are easier to remove from the water. Let the water sit still for at least 30 minutes without disturbing it. All the newly formed large particles (called floc) will sink to the bottom. When you take the water from this container, make sure you leave the majority of the settled material at the bottom of the container.

Urban Storm-water pond (source: greenbmp.blogspot.com)

The next step is to filter the water. Filter the water even if it looks clear, the human eye is five times too weak to detect dangerous levels of particles. Filter the water at least once through an activated carbon filter. Activated carbon is known to remove many different chemicals from water including pesticides, chlorine and fluoride. Activated carbon is not the same as charcoal. Charcoal is similar, it can remove toxins from water but it is nowhere near the efficiency of activated carbon.

The third step is oxidation. Oxidation will help with disinfection as most disinfectant chemicals are also oxidizers. Chemicals like sodium hypochlorite and potassium permanganate are both oxidizers and disinfectants. Oxidation will break down many of the remaining contaminants and inactivate many of the remaining bacteria. Keep adding the oxidizer/disinfectant till you can detect a residual after 20 minutes. The 20 minutes is the minimum you should wait for a gallon of water. Wait longer for larger volumes. This is because oxidation is a chemical reaction that isn’t instant. It needs time to complete the reaction.

The fourth step is to filter the water again. Filtering again is necessary because the disinfection/oxidation step will create some potentially carcinogenic byproducts. We filter before oxidation to minimize the amount of chlorine (or other chemical) and to limit the possibility of forming dangerous byproducts. We filter the second time to remove any byproducts that have been formed.

The final step is to boil the water. This will help with disinfection, but the main goal of boiling at this point is to remove any volatile chemicals. Any chemical with a boiling point lower than water will be removed after boiling.

A note about disinfection. If all of these steps are followed there is no need for a step dedicated for disinfection. Between the oxidation and the boiling of the water any microorganisms will be inactivated. If you are storing the water for a long time then add some sodium hypochlorite for a residual disinfectant. The residual disinfectant will prevent the water from becoming recontaminated before you drink it.

One additional possible step is to aerate the water. Ponds are frequently stagnant. Stagnant water is green with algae, it smells bad and tastes worse. After the water is made potable, transfer the water back and forth between two glasses. This adds oxygen to the water and will make the water taste better.

This may seem like a lot of work for something as small as a storm-water pond. What I have described are the basic steps to turn the potentially toxic water in the pond into clean and safe drinking water.

Water systems are distributed networks of pipes, pumps and reservoirs. Like all distributed networks they can be very difficult to protect from vandalism and terrorist attack. There are two broad types of attacks that could hit a water system. The first type is an attack on the quantity of water available (physical supply) and the second is an attack on the quality of water. The end result of both types of attack is a lack of potable water entering your home.

The greatest defense for a water system is that most of it is underground. It is very difficult to access most parts of water distribution systems. Even for the operators of the system it is time consuming and disruptive to the wider community. If anyone unauthorized to dig in a road to access a watermain they will be reported to the authorities in the form of complaints about traffic or noise.
I think it goes without saying that depending on public complaints to defend against terrorism is nowhere near secure.

Water Treatment Plant (source: wikipedia.org)

The exposed parts of water systems are water treatment facilities, reservoirs and fire hydrants. These are the points where the system is at the surface and easily accessible. These different points also offer different security concerns.

Treatment facilities are as secure as any factory or industrial facility will be. The treatment facility I work at is always locked and there are a limited number keys. Then there is an electronic alarm system which brings a human on site if there is an intrusion alarm. There is also a human dispatched if the communication link is broken. A large city water treatment facility will most likely be manned twenty-four hours a day. The biggest weakness here is that properly armed people can force their way in and destroy the building if they so desire. Or they can contaminate the reservoir on site (if they know how).

Reservoirs of treated water are next most likely place for a terrorist attack. The biggest weakness here is that reservoirs are almost never manned during the day. They will be visited most days, but rarely will people be there all day. The good news is that water in reservoirs is monitored constantly(usually) with automatic analyzers. Reservoirs can be destroyed, and the water within wasted. Or the quality of the water can be destroyed this is where chemicals could be added easily.

The remaining pieces of the system are fire hydrants. Fire hydrants pose a unique risk to water security. It is very easy to add chemicals to a fire hydrant. It is however not easy to get that chemical into the water supply. This is because of the construction of the hydrant itself and the pressure in the system. There is a valve at the bottom of the hydrant which isolates the water. In order to add chemicals to a fire hydrant you also have to lower the system pressure which is rarely easy to do undetected. At this point I want you to remember the scene in Batman Begins where Sandman is dumping his psychotropic drug into a cracked watermain. I don’t expect realistic depictions from the movie, I do however want you to know this is nowhere near realistic. Watermains are pressurized, when they crack water shoots out at anywhere from 50 to 100psi. This is enough to erode foundations of buildings and the all soil around the break creating massive sinkholes. It is not something you can pour chemicals into. This is what it looks like when watermains break.

Just adding chemicals to water, is not as effective as it appears on the surface. Most water supplies contain residual disinfectants, usually chlorine. Disinfectants are highly reactive chemicals, they aren’t limited to just killing bacteria. Highly reactive chemicals often react with other chemicals. I am obviously oversimplifying the chemistry involved, but it is true that a large portion of any chemical added to water will be consumed by the chlorine in the water.

Cyber attack is another way water systems are vulnerable. You may wonder why water treatment facilities are connected to the internet and the answer is for remote monitoring and control. It may seem like an unwarranted risk having these facilities connected to the web. It is not an unwarranted risk at all. The likelihood of the automated system needing an intervention that cannot wait for someone to be onsite is greater than a targeted cyber attack. Keep in mind that even normal breakdowns of the watersystem can cause illness and even death. These need to be responded to and are just as important as preventing cyber attack. I am not a technology expert so I will leave it to other people to suggest the best firewall setup. Another thing to note about cyber attack on a water treatment facility is that even if the attacker is successful and shuts down the control computer, the facility can still be controlled manually.

Terrorism is something that needs to be addressed when it comes to water systems. People inside and outside the system need to be aware of the risks and what can be done for protecting the security of out water.

I get asked a lot of questions about lead in water supplies. Questions like how dangerous is it? Or how much is present in their water? Or where does the lead come from? And what can individuals do to remove lead from their drinking water? Since lead can cause brain damage when ingested, these are all very important questions that need answers. Be careful of the dates in this article. They will vary largely depending on where you live as different jurisdictions banned lead at different times. Another thing to note is that on average drinking water only counts for 20% of American’s lead exposure (according to the EPA) and total exposure is what causes health problems.

Soruce: science.howstuffworks.com

Lead can be very dangerous in water supplies. If consumed in large enough quantities it can cause severe brain damage, kidney damage, anemia and there is some evidence that lead can cause high blood pressure. Compounded on this brain damage is what happens to the larger community if everyone is drinking lead contaminated water and significant percentage of people are suffering from lead poisoning. Costs for healthcare (monetary or increasing disease) increase significantly with lead exposure and with that a decrease in quality of life. They younger you are the more lead exposure affects you (including before you are born). This is because growing children absorb more lead from the food and water they drink. Also because they are smaller, they can hit toxic levels sooner. Finally, lead has a cumulative effect on the body. Your lifetime exposure determines if there will be any negative health effects. Some lead will remain in your bloodstream for the rest of your life, and most will end up in your bones.

If you are on a large municipal system there is a good chance the monitor for lead. In Ontario, Canada, the Provincial government forces every municipal system to test for lead twice a year throughout the system. Any sample that exceeds 0.010mg/L will be reported immediately to the local health unit the ministry of environment. The resident will be informed shortly thereafter. If you are curious about lead levels you can find the results in the Annual report for the municipal water system. If you are more proactive you may even be able to volunteer your home as a sampling point for a lead testing. Failing that you can always send a sample to an environmental laboratory. Calling your municipality will get you the information of what they are doing to control lead. They have more options available to them than any individual does.

Lead gets into water supplies in three main areas. Into the source water from natural deposits or from lead based pollution. Finally, and by far the most significant source of lead is from plumbing with lead based metal fittings. Many alloys contain lead. Even lead free metal fittings can still contain lead and even buying top quality fittings still poses a lead risk. Any solder made before 1986 likely contains lead, sometime upwards of 50%. If you live in an older home (pre 1930’s) there is a chance that you have a lead service connection and possibly lead plumbing.

Homes less than five years old also can have lead problems because the water has not coated the internal plumbing with scale. Scale is a build up of minerals on the wall of pipes and reservoirs that physically separates the water from any potential lead.

Lead Pipe and Copper Pipe (source: winnipeg.ca)

Lead was used so frequently because it is very easy to form into useful shapes. Shapes like pipes, valves and curves. Lead is very soft, that’s my it can make so many useful shapes easily. Lead on it’s own is often too soft for retaining the shape you want, especially if there is any stress on the metal. However mixing lead with other metals like brass, make the brass easier to work with and give the lead more rigidity. Copper was mixed with lead a lot less often then other soft metals. This is one of the reasons pipes were switched to copper. However fittings are still often made of brass because it is easier to make complex shapes like valves in brass. Remember that even “lead free” brass still has some lead in it.

Because lead is in older solders, flux and metal pipes, most of the lead enters the water while sitting in the household plumbing. Typically overnight when the water sits still in the pipes for at least a few hours. Lead needs time to be absorbed into the water (or leached from the metal). The longer water touches anything with lead in it the more lead enters the water. Lead absorption is also influenced by pH. The lower the pH (more acidic and therefor more corrosive) the greater ability the water has to remove lead from other sources. Raising the pH will help reduce the amount of lead that leaches into your water, it will also encourage scale formation. You can mimic corrosive water by grounding electrical systems to metal plumbing. Grounding electrical systems to your plumbing is bad for your plumbing and helps lead enter your water. BUT PLEASE GROUND YOUR ELECTRICAL SYSTEMS SAFELY AND ACCORDING TO CODE. Temperature also affects lead absorption. The hotter the water the more likely there will be lead in the water and the water’s ability to carry water increases.

So what can you do about lead in your water? First, get your water tested. Knowing there is a problem is essential because you can’t see, taste or smell lead dissolved in water.
Second, always flush until the water is as cold and stops getting colder. If your home is older than 1930 and you don’t know for sure that your service connection isn’t lead then flush for an additional 15-30 seconds to make sure you are getting water from the street. This flushed water doesn’t have to go to waste. It can be used for non-consumption purposes like washing and gardening. Flushing may not be a viable option for you if you live in a high rise building as the pipes may be too large for you to flush economically.
Third, never use the hot water tap for consumption purposes. It is better to boil cold water if you need hot water. Lead affects children and pregnant women significantly more than it does grown ups. Small amounts of lead that are harmless to a adult, can be highly toxic when introduced to smaller bodies. You can buy a water filter that is capable of removing lead from water. If it is not specifically designed to remove lead then there is a good chance that it doesn’t remove much lead at all. Because lead has been such a big issue in the past, there are a lot of fake and ineffectual “lead” filters out there. Double check the manufacturers claims with independent information or get the water tested. Don’t forget to change the filter often otherwise you will expose your water to VERY high levels of lead.

First off a bit of a disclaimer, I am fully aware that zombies are not real. I am however highly entertained by zombies and all things undead. Since the Omega Man Journal is about water and survival, that lead to the obvious thought experiment of what challenges a zombie outbreak would have on our ability to get safe drinking water.

Zombie Rage Face (zombieambience.com)

The first thing to appear after the dead rise will be panic. Fear will be rampant and many people will be operating on their fight or flight instincts others will be holed up at home. This includes the people who work at municipal water treatment plants. Water facilities, although automated still depend heavily on people to operate them. When those people stop going to work or are already zombie chow then the water will stop shortly thereafter. To see what it would look like when a water system gets shut down and roughly how long it would take read Grid Shutdown: How Long Will The Water Last. The same will be true of the sewage systems. Read Grid Shutdown: Why Is There S#!t In My Basement, Sewage Emergency: Thunder Bay Flooding and A City Without Sanitation to see just how disgusting our once clean (or not so clean) cities will become.

Zombie Horde (geektyrant.com)

Speaking of sanitation, people will die from unsanitary conditions. That means dead bodies, not just zombies, but regular dead bodies. Cholera is an excellent example of a waterborne disease that is a direct result of decomposing animal tissues in a water supply. Thirst will drive people to the nearest supply of water, then many will die on the banks and contaminate the lakes and rivers. Remember at this point I’m not talking about zombie contamination of water sources. That’s coming up later. This is a real danger when thirsty people or animals die in water supplies.

Depending on how zombies are created there may be a serious water vulernability. There are already bacteria, viruses, parasites and other micro-organisms that use both water and human bodies as part of their natural life cycle. Typically we call the effect of these micro-organisms “water borne disease”. Also there are already parasites that can take control of other organisms even to the point of making the host suicidal. Specifically there is a fungus that will radically alter the behaviour of ants turning them into zombie ants. (read more about zombie ants). We are talking about total control of the host for the benefit of the parasite. Finally there are countless micro-organisms and insects that thrive and depend on rotting flesh to survive either for food or as a vital part of a life cycle stage like maggots turning into flies.

Bacteria thrive on and cause decomposition of deceased organic matter

Those three characteristics which already exist, put a zombie making organism on the edge of being possible. Nature has already made all the organisms necessary to create a zombie, luckily for now the necessary skills are in different organisms and target different organisms. The problem is, if nature caused one organism to eat rotting flesh, it can teach another organism to do the same. Same thing with learning to disperse through water and to take control of other organisms.

Zombie Ant With Fungus Growing Out Of Its Head (nationalgeographic.com)

Let’s assume this is the cause of zombification, what then can anyone do to protect themselves? The good news is that modern water treatment is very good at removing and inactivating micro-organisms. The combination of chemically assisted filtration and disinfection should (if done correctly) remove 99.999% of micro-organisms. Depending on the size of this fictitious zombie bug/parasite/virus it might be possible to remove even more than 99.999% if it is on the large end of the size scale. If it is a virus, which is the smallest type of micro-organism then removing 100% of the z-virus will be next to impossible. That means we better hope that there is a disinfection method that can kill the virus either chlorine, UV, ozone or boiling.

Zombies Again (beyondhollywood.com)

One thing many people haven’t thought about when they are talking about zombies and water. Water is very heavy. If you have to haul water from its source to your secure facility it will become very difficult to run at the same time. Now vehicles are an option as are hand carts and if you have the resources pumps and pipes are best. Just remember that they are all noisier and may attract unwanted attention from nearby zombies.

Those are some of the challenges I see affecting our ability to drink safe potable water in the event of a zombie outbreak. I tried to be as true to real science as is possible when talking about zombies. At the very least I hope you were entertained. Can you think of anything I missed?