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Titus on "Nations smokers hail solar fag break."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87631#post-253405
Fri, 20 Mar 2015 10:49:44 +0000Titus253405@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Sounds pretty much like a TrueBiscuit!
</p>nickb on "Nations smokers hail solar fag break."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87631#post-253403
Fri, 20 Mar 2015 10:48:33 +0000nickb253403@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>very good
</p>MADJEZ on "Nations smokers hail solar fag break."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=87631#post-253395
Fri, 20 Mar 2015 09:56:48 +0000MADJEZ253395@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Millions of smokers have marvelled at the natural spectacle of having a legitimate excuse to skive off for 15 minutes and have a fag during working hours. At offices and factories throughout the land staff were positively encouraged to 'go outside and watch the eclipse'. Many took the opportunity but hardly any bothered to look up, spending the time more productively filling their lungs with tar and gossiping about workmates.</p>
<p>Chancellor George Osbourne claimed tax revenue on the extra fag break was worth an extra £4 billion and promised more eclipses under a future Conservative government. Astronomers have concluded that the cloud cover which caused everyone to miss the solar eclipse was actually a huge pall of cigarette smoke.
</p>Anonymous on "Stoner on his porch still not doing anything...stay tuned."http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=80834#post-235033
Wed, 03 Sep 2014 05:47:54 +0000Anonymous235033@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>"We're here live at -the guy's house that you live down the street from- where virtually nothing has happened for the past thirty minutes. We're carefully observing this man..I don't think he can hear us... just waiting for something to happen."</p>
<p>"OK, OK. Something is definitely happeni- nope nevermind, he's just reaching into the bag of chips again. Jeez, doesn't this guy do anything? Anything at all?"</p>
<p>"We just saw him smoking again, and he's still not moving around much. We've been expecting things to get pretty dicey out here quick, but the marijuana the man smoked hasn't made him turn violent...yet. Stay tuned in for more developments as they come."
</p>throngsman on "Smoking is better, say statisticians"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=72975#post-213935
Wed, 05 Mar 2014 08:56:35 +0000throngsman213935@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>New research has found that the risk of dying early is increased equally for smokers and for non-smokers who eat a protein diet, alternatively known as a healthy diet. Reading the Daily Mail is a complicating factor that reduces life expectancy by not nearly enough across the board, adds the report. Government statisticians have analysed the ways of calculating the probability of an early demise and concluded that smoking makes the calculation much easier.</p>
<p>'For someone eating, say, 10 ounces of red meat a day we have to convert that to grams, allow for the acceleration due to gravity, apply a standard coefficient of friction and multiply by a government approved fudge factor,' said one leading statistician adding, 'but for ciggy smokers it's just about multiplying the daily nails in the coffin by the years to date and subtracting four fifths from the average life expectancy. To be honest, if more people smoked, life insurance companies would be able to cut the cost of calculating premiums, reducing costs to everyone. It would certainly make my job easier, I could retire sooner and enjoy what little life I have left for longer while smoking myself stupid and eating all the red meat I can get my hands on.'
</p>Rusty M on "Cigarettes to taste like Big Daddy's Nappy says Brussels"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=67864#post-198586
Mon, 14 Oct 2013 03:34:30 +0000Rusty M198586@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>All cigarettes to taste like Big Daddy’s nappy says Brussels</p>
<p>Euro MPs last night voted in favour of tight new smoking controls which will eventually mean that all cigarettes must be flavoured with cockroach shit.</p>
<p>The new laws, aimed at preventing teens from picking up the habit, will also mean that all packaging will be made out of synthetic material that has been developed to resemble lung tumours.</p>
<p>So far, it is thought that in the UK market only Superkings would survive the new legislation in their present form.</p>
<p>A spokesperson for anti-smoking group Stub It Out said “We wanted actual lung tumours but this is a step forward.”</p>
<p>“Next we are hoping to introduce smoking areas on the street that will just be coffins, and our ultimate goal is to have public death by stoning introduced as punishment for anyone caught smoking within a 20 mile radius of anyone who is a child or a preposterously self-righteous adult.”</p>
<p>Smokers rights activist Jack Wilshere last night argued against the anti-smoking campaign.</p>
<p>“Since the smoking ban no one wants to go to nightclubs anymore cos without the smoke all you can smell is farts and vomit. ” he said between drags.</p>
<p>“Also, it is my sincere belief that a person’s body is theirs to do entirely what they want with as long as it doesn’t – oh fuck it’s Arsene fucking stub it out! Leg it!”
</p>Tripod on "England players to receive win bonus of 40 Benson & Hedges"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=67772#post-198368
Fri, 11 Oct 2013 13:21:27 +0000Tripod198368@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>When I lived in Southern Spain, many years ago, there was a charity box in the local tobacconists shop. Not for money, but for cigarettes. When you opened up a pack of cheap fags, made with lung-bursting 'black' tobacco, you were supposed to pop one in the box. They went to the patients at a local hospital... which no doubt helped to shorten the waiting list for beds...
</p>Midfield Diamond on "England players to receive win bonus of 40 Benson & Hedges"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=67772#post-198367
Fri, 11 Oct 2013 13:13:41 +0000Midfield Diamond198367@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Yes, nicely written as usual, stars. </p>
<p>But it's nothing new, I read recently about footballers being given cigarettes as part of their wages back in the early 1900s, I'll see if I can find it.
</p>Gary Stanton on "England players to receive win bonus of 40 Benson & Hedges"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=67772#post-198337
Fri, 11 Oct 2013 10:46:08 +0000Gary Stanton198337@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>blows kiss
</p>Tripod on "England players to receive win bonus of 40 Benson & Hedges"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=67772#post-198335
Fri, 11 Oct 2013 10:38:48 +0000Tripod198335@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Funny... Stars...
</p>Gary Stanton on "England players to receive win bonus of 40 Benson & Hedges"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=67772#post-198334
Fri, 11 Oct 2013 10:34:17 +0000Gary Stanton198334@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>England’s highly paid smokers are set to pocket 40 free ciggies if they can overcome the minnows of Montenegro later today. </p>
<p>Manager Roy Hodgson gave the go ahead for the controversial bonus despite Joe Hart blaming his recent dip in form on passive smoking in the England dressing room. </p>
<p>The England boss expects to name a full squad for tonight’s clash with the exception of social smoker Ashley Cole who will undergo an eleventh hour scan for a shadow on his lung. </p>
<p>And Hodgson received a late fitness boost after twenty-a-day man striker Wayne Rooney showed up for duty having overcoming a nasty bout of bronchitis. </p>
<p>Hodgson said, ‘Ashley has had a bit of a niggle with shortness of breath and coughing up blood so we’re sending him for a check-up as a precaution. ‘</p>
<p>While Rooney attributes his new lean look to Marlboro Lights, teammate Jack Wilshere attracted criticism this week after being pictured smoking outside a nightclub. </p>
<p>Hodgson insists the bonus will cost the FA nothing and is part of a batch of duty-frees he brought back from the team’s trip to the Ukraine. </p>
<p>Hodgson added ‘We all know how adept this squad is at passing around a cigarette or joint. Now I’d like to see them do the same thing with a football.’</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Hodson admitted he has some concerns over Wilshere’s recent lacklustre form.<br />
“The lad’s worked in hard in training, but he’s coming along in patches. “</p>
<p>“I think they’re called Nicotinell."
</p>Kevin the Swan on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191474
Sat, 17 Aug 2013 19:18:17 +0000Kevin the Swan191474@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I thought that stupid cat was quite funny too
</p>Robopop on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191466
Sat, 17 Aug 2013 18:45:05 +0000Robopop191466@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>A simply stunning display of acrobatic wit there from the Sugar-Titted one. That's got to be worthy of a <em>Straight</em> 10!
</p>GrumpyCat on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191417
Sat, 17 Aug 2013 14:33:41 +0000GrumpyCat191417@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Russian pole-vaulter "did not inhale"</p>
<p>&lt;barfs hairball&gt;
</p>A.A.Arkwright on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191400
Sat, 17 Aug 2013 12:43:40 +0000A.A.Arkwright191400@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>This is utter filth. Unless, of course, it was written tongue in cheek.
</p>Lindy Moone on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191386
Sat, 17 Aug 2013 10:57:42 +0000Lindy Moone191386@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Lovely.
</p>Yikes on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191361
Sat, 17 Aug 2013 08:59:03 +0000Yikes191361@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Love your work Brenda - your advice columns are particularly useful.
</p>SugarTits69 on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191241
Fri, 16 Aug 2013 19:05:57 +0000SugarTits69191241@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Many thanks.
</p>Not Amused on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191196
Fri, 16 Aug 2013 15:36:48 +0000Not Amused191196@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Stars, very good .. the last sentence made me almost spit my coffee* out. </p>
<p>*coffee is not a euphemism
</p>Spartacus on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191188
Fri, 16 Aug 2013 15:13:02 +0000Spartacus191188@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I thought they were Romanian. Or am I thinking of the cheeky girls?
</p>Golgo13 on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191181
Fri, 16 Aug 2013 14:51:39 +0000Golgo13191181@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>What about t.A.T.u? Are they not part of Russian culture? </p>
<p>How soon we forget.
</p>SugarTits69 on "Russian pole vaulter "tried it once, but didn't like it""http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=65399#post-191093
Fri, 16 Aug 2013 11:38:24 +0000SugarTits69191093@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The Russian pole vaulter at the centre of the "gaygate" furore has defended her statements by drawing parallels between the Russian stance on homosexuality and many Western countries' approach to smoking. </p>
<p>"Is like smoking in your culture," the champion athlete explained. "Is personal life-style things, so if you choose this way, OK, but you want keep them in separate. You don't want see them puffing away in the corner of the bar. If you want do it, go outside by bins. That is how we are with these homosexualities in Russian culture."</p>
<p>Isinbayeva clarified that she knew what she was talking about because she tried it once in high school when her best friend gave her one, but she didn't like the taste or the smell it left on her fingers, and it made her cough a bit.
</p>sredni vashta on "Imperial Tobacco HQ to double as Death Star"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61740#post-179567
Sun, 26 May 2013 22:51:06 +0000sredni vashta179567@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The Farce is with you.
</p>jamking on "Imperial Tobacco HQ to double as Death Star"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=61740#post-179561
Sun, 26 May 2013 20:59:43 +0000jamking179561@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Lucas Films was unwilling to confirm today that it is in discussion with Imperial Tobacco to use its brand new Bristol Headquarters, known to insiders as the Death Star, in the new Star Wars movies being filmed in the UK. However, Imperial chairwoman, Alison Cooper said, "We are delighted to be working on this project. Imperial has been bringing death to planet Earth on an industrial scale for decades now. Our new HQ will enable us to be even more effective in exporting death to emerging markets, so doubling as the new Death Star is a natural fit."
</p>Radley on "Tobacco Giant Denies Pick and Mix is Aimed at Kids"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=44210#post-126513
Tue, 19 Jun 2012 08:06:23 +0000Radley126513@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>A row has broken out at the Bluewater Shopping Centre (Kent) over pick and mix cigarettes being on clear view of children. The new feature, supplied by British American Tobacco, (BAT) is believed to be in response to the “Plain Packaging” campaign, championed by so many health professionals, charities and politicians. </p>
<p>On a recent interview for the BBC's early evening Newsround programme, BAT Marketing Director,Jean-Marc Lévy, was very up beat “It looks like we have beaten the nambies at their own game. We don't even supply packets any more! Put that in your pipe!”</p>
<p>Customers collect a small white paper bag, adorned with pictures of flowers and Pokémon characters, then walk round the tantalizing display of loose, brightly coloured cigarettes, taking scoops of their preferred colour before they are then weighed at the till. Customers can collect loyalty points to earn rewards including cinema tickets, red letter days, Jack Wills clothing vouchers, Sherbet Dips and lollipops. Mr Lévy, denied claims that it is to try and attract the children lost by the proposed “Plain Packaging” legislation. “It is ridiculous to think we are trying to attract children. We are always looking to expand our business in this ill-informed climate of health scaremongering of the business and we have to look at all the options.”<br />
The designer of the the stand, Jane Birtchington (14) from Gravesend in Kent, won the design contest after seeing it advertised in between programs on the Disney Channel.<br />
She told a local radio station.“I think it looks so cool. I think I might try the thin sky blue ones, they're called Fuzzy Heaven Surprise, but I'll have to wait until my friend is working there on Saturdays.”<br />
In a survey it was seen that half of long term smokers die from a smoking related disease. In response to this Mr Lévy said, “Really?”<br />
It is rumoured that BAT intends to open concessions at Lakeside Shopping Centre, the new Westfield shopping Centre next to the 2012 Olympic Stadium and Wilkinsons. Mr Lévy said that the suggestion of giving away small envelopes containing a variety of coloured and Haribo scented cigarettes with McDonald's Happy Meals was a good Idea and could he have my number?
</p>mattupchuck on "Smoking only to be allowed in empty cars"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34014#post-96377
Wed, 16 Nov 2011 18:27:56 +0000mattupchuck96377@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Like it.
</p>apepper on "Smoking only to be allowed in empty cars"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=34014#post-96308
Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:42:07 +0000apepper96308@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Doctors are asking for a ban on smoking in cars that contain any people.
</p>suepersonic on "Icelandic smoking ban extended to include volcanoes"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=25471#post-69166
Mon, 23 May 2011 13:54:42 +0000suepersonic69166@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>More soon ...
</p>Mrblacker on "Clegg to save UK economy say Treasury papers"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23061#post-62413
Sat, 26 Mar 2011 10:57:50 +0000Mrblacker62413@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The future of the entire UK economy rests on the shoulders of the Lib Dem leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, according to leaked papers from the Treasury.</p>
<p>The documents show that George Osborne predicated his projections for the future on Nick Clegg continuing to smoke and being the last smoker left in the country by 2015.</p>
<p>"These are incredible claims." Dennis Lambert, an analyst at city economists Wallace Faulkner Barnes. "They show that the rise in excise duty on the average pack of 20 cigarettes will means more smokers will give up than ever before over the next 3 years, and that only those with enough money to afford to continue their habit will be left to fund a large part of the country's tax intake."</p>
<p>A pack of 20 currently costs an average of £6.50 after the inflation plus 2% rise in the budget and at those costs, many smokers are predicted to give up by the end of this year.</p>
<p>If that happens, the Treasury will miss out on billions in tax income.</p>
<p>"Smokers in the UK currently fund the Government to the tune of £10.5bn, which in these times of financial restraint, has already been accounted for and spent in current year projections." Mr Lambert says. "Therefore, if the numbers of smokers drop, then the Treasury will be forced to increase the tax on on tobacco which the die-hards will be asked to pay."</p>
<p>"And because those costs will continue to rise exponentially, it'll be the likes of Nick Clegg will be among the last smokers left in the country and will end up paying for most of the spending the Government is committed to."</p>
<p>In a statement, the Treasury confirmed the existence of the documents and said the figures were 'broadly accurate'.</p>
<p>But an un-named source in Whitehall said that the Government had badly miscalculated the situation.</p>
<p>"We should be encouraging more people to smoke, which would not only increase the tax take for the Treasury, but also kill off more people, leading to increased employment opportunities and a boom in the funeral sector. As for Nick Clegg being the last smoker left in the country, he'd need to dramatically increase his cigarette output to make up the shortfall. He's a social smoker now and would have to end up smoking at least 1500 fags a day to make any contribution worthwhile. And let's face it, sacrificing his health for the sake of the nation, would be the best thing he could do."
</p>Gary Stanton on "Benson & Hedges launch ‘the cigarette’ in bid to combat nicotine addiction"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=5564#post-15232
Thu, 03 Jun 2010 14:17:26 +0000Gary Stanton15232@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Cheers gentlemen. Glad you enjoyed it.</p>
<p>I'm off out for a crafty one.
</p>