Dear John Nonsense

So as some of you may already know, my bf mysteriously broke up with me about a week ago, on skype, during the middle of my deployment. His reason, he was tired of me putting him down and making him feel bad. The truth, he kept dropping the ball. Bills weren't getting paid, he was failing his classes, getting car tickets, not doing the repairs at the house. I was making enough money for him to be able to focus on these things he just couldn't seem to do it. I was the sole source of income, have been for the last year, so he didn't have anything destracting him, or so I thought.

I beat myself up for a while. I thought: wow was I really that mean and that insensitive? Then chatted with him last night to find out that a guy he'd started hanging out with a little too much 2 weeks and half before our break up, he's already dating and seeing regularly, as in everyday, and has been since like the day after our break up.

Seeing the shadiness in all of this I immediately checked the bank account to find that the money he said he'd save, he hadn't. 1,000 dollars in the checking account. I used a banking program to find out over the last month alone he'd spent 500 dollars on restaurant food! So lets tally this. He was cheating (obviously), failing his classes and skipping, not paying bills, and blew through all my deployment money with nothing to show for it.

And guess what he told my mom today? He couldn't handle me putting him down and making him feel bad all the time. That I stressed him out and wasn't supportive enough and that our break up was my faught and not his lol. Very easy to say about someone you haven't seen in over 6 months who can't defend himself, right? Now he's trying to steal my property and lied to my mom about what was mine when she went to go pick my stuff up.

Come on people. This was my first official relationship, so its my first official break up.

Was kind of hoping some of you guys had advice.

Like how to not put up this wall that I feel forming?A decent way to go about getting my property back without too much conflict?How to make sure I'm not being completely slandered to our friends back home?

wow what a douchebag... I have never been in that situation so I can't really offer any good advice... however,I would start off by telling your mom that he is making up a lie to justify his reason for cheating and go from there.

It's a shitty way to have a first relationship though, I feel for you. In the future just know that you are two independent people and he should have to support himself.

You need a high level of trust to be doing things like fully supporting him and especially sharing financial assets. That's kind of the grounds for marriage, a legal binding relationship. As it stands if his name was on the bank account he can do whatever he wants with that money. You don't have a legal recourse for recovery. I think you might feel a little guilt about deployment and on some level maybe used the financial support to keep him around?

Also, supporting someone doesn't mean you get to dictate their life, so he could have been being honest about you telling him what to do.

It's probably a complicated answer, and you won't really get a resolution from trying to figure out exactly what he was thinking. My advice is to take your hit, finish up your deployment and work on establishing some boundaries in your future relationship. Letting a "wall" form is a form of that boundary and as long as you don't let it go overboard then it will probably be good for you.

As a general rule in finance, never loan money to friends or family.. just give it to them and it will save you alot of strife. Think of your generosity as a gift and not as something you expect in return either in material amounts or obedience. You can do that to kids.. not adults.

I definitely agree that boundaries are important. I was naive and thought that 3 and half years was a long time. When really we rushed things, and probably should never have been in that situation in the first place.

There was so much trust there. Its why we bought the house, why we could tell each other anything. Which is why this all came as a really big surprise. At some point he grew distant and for the first time, I saw him make no attempts to bridge that gap. Its for the best knowing about all the lies now, but still sucks.

The joint banking account was suppose to go towards bills and helping get to school. I looked at it as an investment in our future. It was my plan to have 8 months worth bills in account at all times, so that during a financial emergency, we had time to look for work etc.

I quickly set up a new account and had my direct deposits switched after finding out the financial instability he had put us in. But for as my belongings, he's giving my family a fight and lying about whats mine.

It's a good thing that the bastard broke up with you in the middle of your deployment instead of milking you for the rest of your money for the rest of your whole deployment! Its a good idea you changed your bank account! The guy is a douche!