Navigating Separation and Divorce

Books, DVDs, Miscellaneous

Books that may be helpful:

This list is likely not applicable to everyone or every situation. We hope you will find the resources that make sense for you and that you realize those that may not apply to you, may be helpful to others. [Listed in no particular order]

Women with Controlling Partners – Take Back Your Life from a Controlling Partner – Carol A. Lambert, MSW

A controlling or abusive partner can break even the strongest person—unless you know what to look for. Written by an expert in intimate partner abuse and based on her highly successful recovery program for women with controlling partners, this book will give you the strength, courage, and strategies you need to acknowledge the problem and stand up for yourself once and for all—whether you stay or leave the relationship.

Alone and Content, Gwenn Voelckers

Inspiring, empowering essays to help divorced and widowed women feel whole and complete on their own.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft

You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men – and to change your life. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men shows you how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. You will learn about: the early warning signs; ten abusive personality types; the role of drugs and alcohol; what you can fix, and what you can’t; how to get out of a relationship safely.

The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce – How to get through your breakup and create a new life you love, Suzanne Riss & Jill Sockwell

Wise, comforting, and uplifting, The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce captures the experience of sisterhood through the voices of its authors and their community of women in the Maplewood Divorce Club – women who understand what you’re going through, who know the practical issues as well as the emotional ones, and who can help you keep a sense of hope and a sense of humor.

Brimming with stories and insights, valuable resources and smart strategies, in-the-trenches tips and sanity-saving takeaways, this book prepares you for each phase of divorce, from having “the talk”, to breaking the news to family and friends, to figuring out where to live, to co-parenting with an ex, to rebounding and rebooting your life. It’s divided into three sections that cover the process from start to finish – Deal, Heal, and Reveal – and make it easy to jump in wherever you are in your journey. And even better, to make the choices that will help you develop a better relationship with the one person you’ll be with the rest of your life – yourself.

happily ever after – A Daily Devotional: Walking with Peace and Courage Through a Year of Divorce, Kristin Armstrong

From the passages of Scripture that helped her cope with and survive her divorce, Kristin Armstrong (former wife of cyclist Lance Armstrong) encourages others to trust in their faith as she did through one of life’s most difficult times. In this powerful daily devotional, Kristin offers her compassionate, personal messages about choosing a healing, peace-filled path toward happily ever after. Her spiritually rejuvenating book will bring new hope to each passing day of divorce recovery.

Based on a study of over 400 women worldwide, Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal, is the first book to explore and offer healing strategies to women whose lives have been turned upside down by Wife Abandonment Syndrome. Wife Abandonment Syndrome is a pattern of behavior on the part of a husband who leaves his wife out-of-the-blue from what she believed was a happy marriage. Following his sudden departure, he replaces the caring he’d typically shown her with anger and aggression. He often moves directly in with a girlfriend, leaving his bewildered wife totally devastated. Written by family therapist Vikki Stark who was herself affected by Wife Abandonment Syndrome, Runaway Husbands helps women understand what motivated their loving husbands to turn into uncaring strangers and provides them with the tools they need to move forward and rebuild their lives in new and unexpected ways.

The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You’ve Been Cheated On, Tracy Schorn

The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity is for anyone who has ever been played for a fool, lied to, and left as carrion for the divorce lawyers. Here’s a book about infidelity that is not about saving your marriage single-handedly — it’s about saving your sanity. Based on the writings from her popular blog “Chump Lady,” Tracy Schorn’s guide is the decoder ring you need to translate the manipulations of cheaters. Full of advice, gallows humor, and cartoons deflating the pomposity of cheaters, this is your step-by-step guide to navigate your way out of the infidelity nightmare.

Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, Ana Nogales, Ph.D. with Laura Golden Bellotti

Whether you are a betrayed parent, a parent who cheated, or an adult child whose parent was unfaithful, reading this book will help you understand and courageously deal with the adverse effects of parental infidelity.

InParents Who Cheat,Ana Nogales, Ph.D., combines her reflections from her thirty-five years of clinical practice with her current research, which includes an unprecedented ‘Parents Who Cheat Survey,’ to reveal the profound effects on children and adult children wehn one parent betrays the other.

What are the emotional consequences for the child―young or adult―when his or her parent cheats?

What does infidelity teach children, and is there a difference between how boys and girls process and react to the circumstances?

How can parents undergoing an infidelity crisis help their child cope with his or her reactions?

How might adult children deal with their own parental infidelity-related issues?

Parents Who Cheatexplains how a child’s perception of love and marriage can be forever altered, how self-esteem and trust are often severely damaged, and why adult children whose parents were unfaithful often choose unfaithful partners or become unfaithful themselves. Ana Nogales offers advice and practical solutions and points the way toward healing, forgiveness, and healthier and more trusting relationships with parents and partners.

The Way They Were: Dealing With Your Parents’ Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage, Brooke Lea Foster with forward by Ian Birky, Ph.D.

How to deal with your parents’ divorce when you’re not a kid anymore. As the divorce rate soars among the baby-boomer generation, more and more people in their twenties and thirties are being faced with the divorce of their parents, and few resources exist to help them cope with their unique circumstances. Written by an award-winning journalist who has lived through her own parents’ midlife divorce, this practical, comforting guide includes advice on:

• How to help your parents without getting caught in the middle
• How to have tough conversations with your parents about money, property, and inheritance—theirs and yours
• How to understand the complexities of infidelity and stepfamilies
• How to rebuild relationships with each parent after the divorce

[Also good for parents to read for better understanding of what adult children may be feeling.]

A Grief Out of Season: When Your Parents Divorce in Your Adult Years, Noelle Fintushel & Nancy Hillard, Ph.D.

A book that examines the impact that parental divorce can have on the families of adult children. [Also good for parents to read for better understanding of what adult children may be feeling.]

Disarming the Narcissist, Wendy T. Behary, LCSW

Do you know someone who is overly arrogant, shows an extreme lack of empathy, or exhibits an inflated sense of entitlement? Do they exploit others, or engage in magical thinking? These are all traits of narcissistic personality disorder, and when it comes to dealing with narcissists, it can be difficult to get your point across. So how do you handle the narcissistic people in your life? You might interact with them in social or professional settings, and you might even love one—so ignoring them isn’t really a practical solution. They’re frustrating, and maybe even intimidating, but ultimately, you need to find a way of communicating effectively with them.

Disarming the Narcissist, Second Edition,will show you how to move past the narcissist’s defenses using compassionate, empathetic communication. You’ll learn how narcissists view the world, how to navigate their coping styles, and why, oftentimes, it’s sad and lonely being a narcissist. By learning to anticipate and avoid certain hot-button issues, you’ll be able to relate to narcissists without triggering aggression. By validating some common narcissistic concerns, you’ll also find out how to be heard in conversation with a narcissist.

This book will help you learn to meet your own needs while side-stepping unproductive power struggles and senseless arguments with someone who is at the center of his or her own universe. This new edition also includes new chapters on dealing with narcissistic women, aggressive and abusive narcissists, strategies for safety, and the link between narcissism and sex addiction.

Finally, you’ll learn how to set limits with your narcissist and when it’s time to draw the line on unacceptable behavior.

Why Good Things Happen to Good People, Stephen Post, Ph.D. and Jill Neimark

Dr. Stephen Post has been making headlines by funding studies at the nation’s top universities to prove once and for all the life-enhancing benefits of caring, kindness, and compassion. The exciting new research shows that when we give of ourselves, especially if we start young, everything from life-satisfaction to self-realization and physical health is significantly affected. Mortality is delayed. Depression is reduced. Well-being and good fortune are increased. In their life-changing new book,Why Good Things Happen to Good People, Dr. Post and journalist Jill Neimark weave the growing new science of love and giving with profoundly moving real-life stories to show exactly how giving unlocks the doors to health, happiness, and a longer life.

The astounding new research includes a fifty-year study showing that people who are giving during their high school years have better physical and mental health throughout their lives. Other studies show that older people who give live longer than those who don’t. Helping others has been shown to bring health benefits to those with chronic illness, including HIV, multiple sclerosis, and heart problems. And studies show that people of all ages who help others on a regular basis, even in small ways, feel happiest.
Why Good Things Happen to Good Peopleoffers ten ways to give of yourself, in four areas of life, all proven by science to improve your health and even add to your life expectancy. (And not one requires you to write a check.) The one-of-a-kind “Love and Longevity Scale” scores you on all ten ways, from volunteering to listening, loyalty to forgiveness, celebration to standing up for what you believe in. Using the lessons and guidelines in each chapter, you can create a personalized plan for a more generous life, finding the style of giving that suits you best.

The astonishing connection between generosity and health is so convincing that it will inspire readers to change their lives in ways big and small. Get started today. A longer, healthier, happier life awaits you.

Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce,or the Loss of a Loved One, John Gray, Ph.D.

Is it possible to find love again after a breakup, death, or divorce?

At the end of a relationship, it can sometimes feel like the end of the world. Devastation, loneliness, and bitterness are some emotions that exist due to a breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one. But with the help of this compassionate guide, Dr. John Gray expresses that you will survive and tells you how to find love again.

While the process of healing is similar with both sexes, there are distinct differences between the ways men and women heal their bruised hearts. InMars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. Gray offers gender-specific advice on how to:

Deal with pain

Find forgiveness

Discover the strength to let go

Rebuild confidence

Rise to the challenge of finding fulfillment again

Filled with gentle guidance, healing practices, and compassionate wisdom,Mars and Venus Starting Overwill help men and women explore the meaning of loss, find their way through the healing process, and discover the secret to moving on.

Mars and Venus on a Date, John Gray, Ph.D.

Will I Ever Find My Soul Mate?

Whether you are recently separated, divorced, or you have been in the singles scene for longer than you want, this insightful guide will help you navigate the dating maze and find that special person you’ve been waiting for.

By discussing the differences between men and women,Mars and Venus on a Dateprovides singles with:

A thorough understanding of the five stages of dating — attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement

How to know what kind of person is right for you

Answers to burning questions such as why don’t men call, or why do some women stay single?

The best places to meet your soul mate

And advice on creating a loving and mutually fulfilling relationship

Filled with practical guidelines, inventive techniques, and witty insight,Mars and Venus on a Datewill help single men and women explore the world of dating, understand how to make good choices, and discover the secret to finding a soul mate.

Battlefield of the Mind, Joyce Meyer

Worry, doubt, confusion, depression, anger and feelings of condemnation: all these are attacks on the mind. If readers suffer from negative thoughts, they can take heart! Joyce Meyer has helped millions win these all-important battles. In her most popular bestseller ever, the beloved author and minister shows readers how to change their lives by changing their minds.

She teaches how to deal with thousands of thoughts that people think every day and how to focus the mind the way God thinks. And she shares the trials, tragedies, and ultimate victories from her own marriage, family, and ministry that led her to wondrous, life-transforming truth–and reveals her thoughts and feelings every step of the way.

Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life, Revised Edition [Paperback] By Abigail Trafford
A review from amazon.com:
I bought this book at a low point in the divorce process, wondering if I would ever stop feeling depressed and angry, and thinking I was somehow a bad person for having those feelings. Imagine my surprise when I turned the pages of the book to find that I was NORMAL for feeling angry and depressed! Giving validation for my feelings, and taking ownership of them, gave me what I needed to master them and move on, standing up for what I needed in the divorce process and giving myself permission to cry sometimes. This book helped me become stronger and showed me that there can be a brighter future after divorce. I highly recommend this for anyone going through a divorce, especially those in “crazy time” whose feelings are not being validated. Divorce is the death of a dream, maybe in some ways worse than the loss of a loved one through a natural death, and it is okay to grieve. This book can help people cope with that loss, learn from it, and move on to a better life.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship [Paperback] By Mira Kirshenbaum

Reviewed by Publishers Weekly

Trying to make the agonizing decision whether to get out of a troubled, potentially life-wrecking relationship is the specific ambivalence this book addresses. The reader is offered a focused way to deal with one critical issue at a time rather than sort endlessly through the whole messy bundle of emotional pros and cons. Kirshenbaum’s expertise allows her to pinpoint the pertinent questions. The Boston psychotherapist, who does relationship counseling, offers a series of them, amplified with guidelines: “Power people poison passion”; “If your partner can’t even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it’s time to get out”; “If it never was very good, it’ll never be very good.” And threaded through the book, which is written in a sympathetic, chatty, accessible style, are validating anecdotes that dramatize how other people have experienced and responded to the same problems the reader is going through.

Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well [Paperback] By Ashton Applewhite

Review From Library Journal

In contrast to those who view divorce and its aftermath negatively, Applewhite (Thinking Positive: Words of Inspiration for People with AIDS, S. & S., 1995) focuses here on the positive effects. Using case histories and well-documented research, she offers a no-nonsense, practical look at women who have come through the process of divorce and feel good about their experiences. The chapters “Law and Lawyers” and “Money and Work” address many legal and financial concerns that offer the reader good direction. Building on her own divorce experience, Applewhite offers comfort, encouragement, and hope to women contemplating the end of their marriages. The book is easy to read and includes an extensive bibliography. Recommended for popular psychology collections in public libraries.?Elizabeth Goeters, DeKalb Coll. Learning Resources Ctr., Dunwoody, Ga.

“Erica Manfred wants to be your best girlfriend, the one who stands by your side every step of the way through the tsunami of divorce. And, with this book, she succeeds. But not only is she a best girlfriend, she’s a smart girlfriend offering great advice on emotional, legal, financial, and spiritual matters, thoroughly researched and referenced for those who want to dig deeper—and for later, when it’s time to move on, she offers advice on Internet dating as well. Best of all, Manfred herself has walked every inch of the divorce plank and with disarming honesty lets us see her own successes and failures on the road back to sanity. A must read for anyone contemplating a divorce or going through one.” —Susan Richards, author of Chosen by a Horse and Chosen Forever

Kids tend to blame themselves when parents divorce. The Sandcastles workshop–now mandatory in over a dozen counties throughout the United States–is a half-day group session for children of divorce between the ages of 6 and 17. This intensive workshop helps kids open up and deal with their feelings through drawings, games, poetry, role playing, and other activities. Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce details many of the workshop exercises, all designed to increase communication, understanding, and togetherness between parents and kids. The book is also packed full of suggestions on everything from the best way to break the divorce news to a child (it differs according to age group) to facing the holidays, visitation, custody arrangements, anger, discipline, co-parenting, single parenting, overcompensation, sorrow, custody fights, and much more.

Author Gary Neuman never patronizes or preaches, and although he is technically a child advocate, he proves himself to be an advocate of every member of the divorcing family. Neuman takes a hands-on approach and believes that children need not be permanently scarred by divorce–that with work and time, divorce can actually become a positive force for change. A powerful tool for protecting children caught amid parental struggles, Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce should be required reading in all divorcing families. –Ericka Lutz

Dinosaurs Divorce [Paperback] By Mark Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown

Review from School Library Journal

Grade 1-3 Children familiar with the Browns’ Dinosaurs Beware (Atlantic, 1983) and Marc Brown’s “Arthur” books (Atlantic) will delight in this new foray into an area of deep concern for the youngest readers. Sympathetic to the full range of feelings that divorce produces, the authors use evocative cartoon dinosaur characters to convey their message. Chapters address such concerns as why parents divorce, what will happen to “me,” where will holidays be celebrated, living in two homes, etc. Expressively illustrated with accompanying succinct text, this upbeat, straightforward treatment of a potentially confusing, traumatic childhood experience is comprehensive. Prediction: this will become a real “security blanket” for those young readers in need. Mary Lou Budd, Milford S. Elementary School, Milford, Ohio.

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again [Paperback] By Michele Weiner-Davis

Review by Becky Freeman

I’m a marriage columnist and author of two books on marriage: Marriage 911 and Chocolate Chili Pepper Love. I’m not a professional counselor, I’m a humorist/storyteller and write as a friend to others who are hurting in their relationships. The #1 book I recommend to those “stuck” in problem areas, the book that was most helpful to me during a time of darkness and confusion in my own marriage is Divorce Busting. When couples are hurting they don’t usually need a course in WHY (they are already experts at that) — what they need is HELP and RELIEF. Michelle’s warm, practical, engaging advice is the medicine this writer/speaker prescribes for those who want to improve their marriage and maintain a sense of personal peace and dignity in the process. Thank you, Michelle! Keep up the good work.