It’s only a phase – the parenting guide to phases your child will go through

Parenting, in a nutshell it’s only one phase after another. I’m going to give you a little satirical guide to the phases your little one will go through.

So you’ve got that magical positive result on the pregnancy test. You feel excited, overwhelmed, in denial, emotional, elated. Little do you know, you have just signed up to at least an 18 year sequence of phases.
I will now describe to you the phases I myself have been through with George. We are only at the two and half year mark. No doubt this is a post that will eventually become a long standing series.

For ease of writing I will refer to your little one as he. Let’s face it, as much as we thank the men in our lives for this magical event, with the amazing joy comes occasional annoyance. Pretty much sums up the male species from my perspective (winks coyly with her tongue in her cheek). So “he” it is.

Congratulations. You are pregnant with a baby boy or girl. Or both but let’s just assume everything I say and double it, triple it, depending on your brood. I’m sure I’m being naive and there’s more to it than that. I only have the one so can’t comment.

Third trimester. That incredible yet surreal feeling you get when your baby is moving inside of you. Something which you can often see as well as feel now. You love it, you’re thankful for it, then comes being woken up at night with the kicking and fidgeting. You’ve just settled back into bed, surrounded yourself with 6 pillows after your tenth wee, and now the little darling decides it’s time to start practicing his gangnam style. Welcome to the “get me out of your belly” phase. Towards the end (I’m talking around the 36 week mark), the head can engage and the “get me out of your belly” phase progresses to “fuck it I’ll make my own way out” as you can almost feel the head pushing down there trying to eeek his way out. Uncomfortable isn’t the word.

Let’s cut to the birth. It happens however it happens. Don’t beat yourself up about it. He has to come out somehow so as long as you are both safe and well at the end of it, you are a hero. You’ve grown this little boy. Give yourself credit where it’s due.

You’re first night together. Poor little darling is stressed. He cries on and off all night; “It’s cold out here, and I’m hungry. What happened to that hose with all my scrummy food. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on. I want to go back in the tummy please”. Welcome to the “indecisive charades phase”. He won’t quite know what he wants but he will make small movements and random incoherent noises. You must learn to decipher this code, get the correct answer, then apply this answer to little darling and see if he is satisfied. Keep trying this for 6 months.

Congratulations! You made it six months! You thought the charades phase was tough. Wow you really have no idea what’s in store. The last six months has seen you become a master. A master of dangling things in front of your little darling. Master of bouncing him, rocking him, feeding him, changing him. The washing machine has become a multitasking part time babysitter. And it’s worked right? He’s been happy and content for the majority. You are both learning each other ways but overall you are managing to not annoy each other too much. But all good things must come to an end.

Welcome to the fidget arse phase. By now your little one will likely be rolling over, shuffling, maybe even attempting a backwards crawl. Suddenly dangling things in front of his face or bouncing him gently is unsatisfactory. No. He’s had his eye on that DVD cabinet for 6 months now and he wants to know what exactly is in all those little cases. What does that red glowing button do? That fluffy long thing at the end of the cat looks fun.

You suddenly need eyes in your arse. How do I see using eyes in my arse you wonder. Well let me tell you, you won’t be sitting on it. You’ll be up and down and up and down and up and down. Rescuing little darling before he delves into something else. Rearranging your house slowly day by day.

Never fear. You will soon tire of the fidget arse phase and will begin willing your little darling to take their first steps. We are homo sapiens after all. It’s instinctive. You eagerly encourage him until one day, hurrah, those teeny tiny steps are taken without your assistance. A triumph in your naive eyes. At last he can walk. The end of the days of you carrying them around is in sight.

But what’s this….he is climbing the stairs! Darling little can suddenly get from one end of the lounge to the kitchen in the time it takes you to sip your cold cup of tea. He’s had more bumps, trips and falls than an accident insurers handbook. What have you created you absolute plonker!

And then the day arrives. Little one’s first birthday. A milestone. A day to celebrate. But what are you doing? Sobbing, and updating your Facebook status mourning your little one is no longer a baby. They are “all grown up”, “where did the time go” “time to think about having another”.
And so the cycle begins again. (Faceplants).

Ps. Honestly I’m not as cynical as I sound. From the moment I got that positive result, I have thanked my lucky stars for being given this opportunity. Something many would give anything for. Doesn’t hurt to tell it how it is sometimes. We all have our own experiences. This is mine.
To be continued…….

57 thoughts on “It’s only a phase – the parenting guide to phases your child will go through”

Thank you. My little one is actually 2.5 years now but the post was getting too long so I thought I’d break it up into another post. To be continued 😜 We’ve had some failed potty training attempts. It’s all good fun isn’t it. Good to keep a sense of humour and poke a bit of fun too 😜

My son is now 6 (wow how did that happen!) and the stages just keep on popping up. All the time there’s a new phase to deal with and as soon as you think you’ve got it everything changes again 🙂 #KCACOLS

Oh it’s good to hear it’s the same from a Father’s perspective. You should check out my other post on mum guilt too and let me know what you think. After some daddy perspectives on that. Glad you enjoyed the post.

I’ve never forgotten those words ‘just remember everything is a phase’ that of my more experienced friends had told me when I had my first. And it’s so true. You just can’t imagine the phase ever ending sometimes, but then it’s hard to remember it when you’re in the middle of another phase. You’ve reminded me of all those phases when they’re little – potty training! Aaah! I thought that would never end, especially third time round. Loved this #kcacols

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. We’ve attempted the potty training phase and failed. Just waiting for when little man is ready himself. I feel like the phases can change almost fortnightly but that would have made for an exhaustive post lol. One of my mums used to have an app called wonder weeks I believe. Our little ones are the same age give or take a week or so. I used to message her saying “what phase are we going through now” lol

Once they have their eyes set on something they can be so determined it’s painful to watch but all a part of learning huh I watch videos of George at that age and can barely believe he used to be like that. Time flies huh.

It is so true. Everything about parenting is a phase. The most frustrating thing is that at the exact moment that you get used to the phase that you are in, the next one starts and you have to figure out how to deal with it. Thanks for this post Pen x #KCACOLS

LOL. I’m actually not a great lover of the names given to stages, such as terrible twos. I’m a believer that every action/ emotion is caused by a reason so I couldn’t justify calling an emotional response ‘ terrible’. It doesn’t offend me (makes me cringe a little).
I just read far too much about parenting and have convinced myself it’s a negative term. I totally get what you’re saying though.

The teenage years or even 10+ scares the shit out of me, I won’t lie. Basically as soon as he starts school and I begin to lose more and more influence, control, security for him, I’ll struggle I know. It’s a lot crueller world out there than me taking the piss out of the early years.

Aw man, 2 and a half – wait till you get the annoying 5 year old (perfect timing for them starting school), then the pre-pubesant 8 year old when everything is such a big deal, and then the 11 year old hormonal &%^%$! And don’t get me started on the teens. Well done though, you’ve made it to 2 and a half – that’s no mean feat! lol. I jest! #kcacols

I remember he used to be able to pull himself up but couldn’t work out how to sit down without landing with a bump and getting upset. As a result I used to get up every time and help him. Pretty sure that’s come back to bite me in the arse as he now cries at even the thought of hurting himself. I definitely need to work on letting him learn from his own mistakes.

Lol. I do actually love and cherish each phase. What I have never done is pine after a phase though. I’ve never wished he was still a newborn etc. Just cherishing every phase as frustrating as some of them are ;p