Katy Perry might be up for grabs soon

Katy's top is made from over three hundred old Quality Street wrappers

Katy Perry is married to Russell Brand. We all know this, and we’re all sad about it. Well, good news! Not good news for Katy, who’s in love with the gangly sex-beast (presumably he used some sort of bedroom sorcery to entrance her in) but good news for us, as the marriage is beginning to show signs of strain.

Not that we want Katy to be unhappy of course, perish the thought. We just want her to be happy with us. We’d treat her right. We’d stay faithful. Russell told Pierce Morgan on his ITV Life Stories program, due to be broadcast next month:

“I can’t believe I used to have sex 20 times a week, especially now that I’m married. But now I’m a bloody good gardener.”

Okay, well, fair enough. He did have a lot of sex. He did also marry one of the most attractive women in the world, so there’s only so much sympathy we’re willing to lend him. He continues:

“It’s difficult to get used to one person, and being with them in the same house every day... If she leaves stuff lying around, I have to deal with it, and if I leave stuff on the floor I have to pick it up. That confuses me.”

It’s not that hard, Brand! Katy, we’ll tidy up after you if you want. We’ll clean the sink and wash the pans. Maybe defrost the fridge if we’re in a good mood, take the bins out, that sort of thing. If he can’t keep himself from sleeping with other women, then please, give us a call.