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Lately, every day seems to be a constant give and take. I give my time to something and it takes all my energy. I take a break and it gives me anxiety. I give myself some slack and it rips the carpet out from under my feet. This season has been really dry and really exhausting. I have been having a hard time getting back into writing music, which is a terribly difficult thing to admit out loud. It’s like screaming all your secrets into a room full of people. The only things I have to show for the time is a handful of semi-musical ramblings on my phone that I haven’t been able to sit down and work through to form an actual song yet. While sometimes, the excuse of not having enough time is pretty valid, I think I would be lying to myself if I said that was always the case. Often, the time is available, but the motivation is what I am missing. I think it’s important for me to acknowledge that, because one of my biggest fears is that I will go through this life and not learn a single thing, that I will remain the same. Five years from now, I don’t want to be sitting here writing this exact blog post to you all with the same heaviness in my heart. Ten years from now, I don’t want to be stuck in this rut that has had it’s hold on me for awhile now. If it stays around any longer, I am going to have to name it and give it a bigger bed, and I have always been bad at naming things. Sameness is the enemy here, and I am going kicking and screaming before I wake up next year and find out that I haven’t changed, or grown, or expressed myself at all. There is a part of me that feels this weird responsibility to be cheerful and excited and encouraging all of the time when I talk about my music life. I almost feel guilty for having other feelings, for experiencing the shitty bits of being a creative being. But the truth is that all your favorite sad songs were written because of these feelings. So, maybe this is good, maybe this means I still have things to write about, maybe this means I am exactly where I am supposed to be…so I can write a couple more of your favorite sad songs. Being a musician, a writer, a songwriter, means you have to be horribly honest with yourself when your instincts tell you to turn around and run for the hills. It is not always pretty…actually most times it is not very pretty, but it’s real.