Friday, October 5, 2007

Paul Lo Duca wants to stay a Met

Paul Lo Duca has gone on the record and stated that he wants to resign with the Mets and remain their starting catcher in 2008. Big Pud recently had a conversation with Mets GM Omar Minaya about the possibility of returning and GMDB has the exclusive transcript of that dialog.

Omar Minya: Hello Paul.

Big Pud: Hello Omar.

OM: I understand you would like us to resign you to a new contract.

BP: Thats right.

OM: Why would we want to do that?

BP: Because I represent all the great qualities in a man that Mets fans admire.

OM: Such as?

BP: I'm a native Brooklynite for one.

OM: Well you were born in Brooklyn, but didn't you grow up and go to college in Arizona?

BP: Well, sure I moved to Glendale when I was very young, but I was still born here in New York.

OM: That's stupid, but OK, what else?

BP: I love horses.

OM: You mean you are an inveterate gambler who started betting at the track when you were in middle school?

BP: More like 4th grade.

OM: Fantastic, what else.

BP: I love the New York nightlife! And I love the ladies, yeah!

OM: You mean you married a playboy model as soon as you made the majors who then turned out to be a shrew so you conducted a unending series of adulterous affairs including one with a teenager who bragged about it on her MySpace page?

OM: Anyone with a soul or a rational fear of STDs. So now that we've established that you're a despicable human, tell me what you bring to the table in terms of baseball production.

BP: I never strike out. Can't strike out PLD, like ever! I only make 'productive' outs!

OM: Except for all the double plays you hit in, which are far worse than strike outs. In fact according to my numbers, you hit ground balls 95% of your total plate appearances. Also your VORP blows.

BP: Sorry, I didn't realize you were looking for a computer to play catcher for you. Look, I've got grit and hustle and VERVE! What do you think wins championships?

OM: I'm not going to get into this with you because clearly you are a moron. I'm going to give you one last shot to prove to me that you deserve to wear the orange and blue next year, and no temper tantrums.

BP: Fine, you want me to use my trump card, well how about this: I'm ITALIAN.

OM: Yes, I see. While that may get you a free pass with your average Joe pisan, that shit won't fly with me. First of all, fuck your cheap, pandering race baiting. Second, Lo Duca is a name associated with Northern Italy. Most Italian-Americans in the New York metropolitan area are from Southern Italy, specifically Sicily or Naples. And while technically the Cisalpine, Sicilian and Neopolitan peoples currently share the same geo-political nation state, historically the regions were separated by a distinct culture, language and heritage. As different as Portugal and France. In fact there is still strong resentment in the South of the North's long history of discrimination and injustice that helped create the permanent underclass of the mezzogiorno. So any perceived connection between you and the typical Italian American Mets fan is farcical.

BP: I have no idea what you're saying, man.

OM: How about this. You're fucking fired.

BP: But Omar! What will I do? Where will I go? Who will give me a job?

OM: Frankly, Paulie, I don't give a shit.

Our GMDB exclusive doesn't end there. We recently sat down with PLD ourselves and got his thoughts about a number of topics. His provocative and perhaps controversial responses can be found below.