As some of you may have gathered from my posts in the forum, I am moving into a new apartment soon. This is happening because I broke up with my boyfriend, who is staying in the house we leased together. I am taking my cats with me, as they have been with me since they were kittens. It's already hard enough to find a place that accepts cats, and I am having to pay a large extra deposit to have them in the first place... But they are mine, and I make the sacrifices I need to in order to keep them with me.

Here's the thing. The ex and I got a dog together last year. I forking love this dog with all my heart. He is, however, quite special needs. He is a border collie that needs a lot of exercise, and needs a yard to run around in, which the current house supplies. When we were first talking about breaking up, the ex declared that he would keep Rowdy, as Rowdy is 'his dog'. While that may be debatable (I feed and walk him more, I'm the one who makes sure he gets his flea and heartworm medicine every month) I felt awful wrenching the dog away from him, so I agreed, especially knowing how difficult it would be to find an apartment that allows dogs (our town is just really strict about this, I'm figuring because it's a college town and people are irresponsible), let alone one with a fenced in yard that he can run around in. This broke my everyloving heart, and is still breaking my heart, but I came to grips with it.

Then we had a big fight, and the ex said he no longer wanted to keep the dog because Rowdy reminded him of me. He claims that he will take him back to the shelter where we got him if I don't take him. This place is no-kill and the owner absolutely loves Rowdy, but he was there for 4 years before we got him, and he obviously doesn't want to go back, and I don't think I could handle the thought of him going back there. Since, things have cooled down, sort of, and I no longer know if he is planning on doing this heinous thing. I am about to (probably) sign a lease on a place today that will only let me have the cats (and, as said above, at a price), and I am so incredibly worried about what is going to happen to Rowdy. Surely, my ex won't take him back to the shelter. How could he do such a thing? He can absolutely afford the dog and all the expenses that go along with him. Would he really be so spiteful as to take this poor creature back to the shelter, when I am unable to take him to a new place?

Also, if he does keep him, will I ever see Rowdy again? He sleeps with me every night and our walks bring me (and him) such joy. The ex doesn't have a car (or a license for that matter), so how will he drive to get the flea and heartworm meds every month? How can I live with myself if I leave Rowdy behind? I love him.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

It sounds like he was using Rowdy as a manipulation tool - like he wanted to keep him for himself when he thought you would fight him on it and is now saying he'll take him back to the shelter to make you stay or suffer? You know him best, is that really something he would do? Or is he just trying to make you feel bad because he feels bad? If he's capable of taking care of Rowdy and you don't see yourself getting into a house with a yard any time soon I think I would sign the lease and let him know that you love Rowdy and will do anything you can to help keep him out of the shelter. Don't let yourself be used, though, because it sounds like he's just trying to get back at you.

Yes, he is definitely using him as a manipulation tool, which is forked up. I really can't imagine him taking him back to the shelter, but he is also a person who does rash and unthinking things sometimes when he is upset (one of the reasons I am leaving). I know he loves Rowdy to bits, and I really hope he can rise above it all being sad and just be a responsible human being. Good point on the meds being shipped, as well. I will make sure the meds are available at 1 800 pet meds or some such place.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

I would tell my new landlord that I need to be able to have a dog because my circumstances have changed and try and get permission to keep Rowdy or else get my money back and find a new place to live. I would keep my dog, no matter what (and I have been in the position of having to choose between an apartment that I owned and my dog - dog wins every time).

I would also stop being nice to your ex - you took him to the movies when he was blue and supported him emotionally even after you broke up and its so not cool for him to repay you by threatening your dog. Don't be mean, just remember that this isn't someone you want to be friends with going forward. Definitely don't agree to shared custody or visitation.

And just thank your lucky stars you didn't have kids, because no matter how hard this is with Rowdy, it would be infinitely harder if you had a baby together.

Someone who is willing to even threaten to get rid of your dog to hurt you is a shitty person. Even if he agrees to take the dog, who is to say that 6 months down the line he won't decide that now he doesn't have time for the dog and will try and dump it. And he could even take him to a kill shelter or to be put down. You have no control over what he does.

If someone did this to me, I'd take my dog and let Karma have its way with my douchebag ex.

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Well, I just got back from the apartment and I wrote a check to secure it. It is way too small to have the dog in, and no fenced in yard. If I continued to look for a place that could accommodate Rowdy, it would mean staying in this unhealthy situation for much longer than is good for anyone involved. When I came home, I talked to him, and he is keeping Rowdy. He acted as if it wasn't even a question, and I am positive that there is no way he would ever take him to a kill shelter. That's too awful even for him.

And don't think that this is easy for me. Leaving this animal behind is breaking me in half. And I would never leave him if I thought he wasn't going to be ok, really. I mean, if I had come home and talked to him about it and he was still insistent on taking him back or seemed insensitive to the dog's needs, I would call my new landlord in a heartbeat to tell them I couldn't move in after all.

Now I feel like a terrible person. Also, yes, it is good we don't have kids. Funny I would say that now, especially after everything that happened between us last year with the miscarriage. Weird how things really do happen for a reason, maybe.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

Your ex sounds like he is trying to hurt you by saying he will take Rowdy back to the shelter. What a terrible thing to say or god forbid, do. If you don't trust him to keep and care for the dog with love, then I would also suggest looking for another apartment so that Rowdy can be with you. One would think that in a breakup a person would be fortunate to be the one who gets to keep the dog and have its support and love. :( This is a terrible situation to be in. But even more terrible for Rowdy who has an uncertain future if he stays with your ex.

Whoops I think I was typing while you were posting. I hope your ex honors his commitment to Rowdy. Maybe ex will find that he appreciates Rowdy's being there more when you are gone. I wonder if you could get your ex to agree that if anything ever comes up for him and for some reason he has to get rid of the dog (moves or somesuch) then he would call you first before doing anything drastic? Good luck with you & your kitties' new home.

Thank you! I did tell him that I would do anything to keep Rowdy out of the shelter and he said not to worry about it. I know that this is control-freak central and probably not healthy at all, but I plan on trying to keep up relations with the dog and making sure he is ok. Meaning that it's not healthy to have contact with my ex...but we do still work together, so we're going to see each other anyway.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

Hugs. A messy breakup and saying goodbye to a dog that you love... you must be going through so much pain. We have two cats and I definitely understand how hard it is to find cat-friendly housing- and our apartment that we are about to move out of charged us an extra fee per cat per month and we had to pay a pet deposit when we moved in. I know you signed the papers for your new apartment today, but just wanted to throw a few more ideas at you. Where you live, are there options to rent houses? That's kind of a big thing here in Michigan, and renting a house tends to be more dog-friendly than apartments. (In fact, I don't think I've ever seen an apartment around here that allows dogs, except for 1 small dog, and then no other pets. And again, lots of fees.) One other thing, are your parents nearby, able/willing to help? I'm not sure what your parental situation is, but I'd consider moving back in with mine until I could find a good permanent living situation. Again, that may not be an option in your case, I know I am blessed that mine are alive and nearby. For what it's worth, I do believe your ex will keep and take care of Rowdy. He is going through a lot of emotional BS right now, and unfortunately taking it out on you, but you mentioned he loves Rowdy, so I have to believe he will pull his head out of his bum and do the right thing. Keep us posted. <3 <3 <3

Thank you! I did tell him that I would do anything to keep Rowdy out of the shelter and he said not to worry about it. I know that this is control-freak central and probably not healthy at all, but I plan on trying to keep up relations with the dog and making sure he is ok. Meaning that it's not healthy to have contact with my ex...but we do still work together, so we're going to see each other anyway.

I would act like a totally unbalanced maniac if I were being separated from my dog, so do whatever you need to do to get through it! If people can do it with kids then limited doggie visitation should hopefully be do-able and should not cause as much trauma/incite drama for you, ex, or dog than if it were a child! Maybe your anxiety will decrease when you see that Rowdy is doing ok with ex as time goes on, which hopefully he will! Breakups are hard and take bravery, and you are doing your best!

We have a border collie/blue heeler mix who gets the majority of her exercise from our walks (sometimes runs). We have a fenced in yard, but she can jump the 8 foot(!) high fence so we can not leave her unsupervised in the yard.

If things change, don't be afraid to bring Rowdy to your apt (if you can) & if you have to. It might not be ideal- in a perfect world we would live on a ranch and Emily would be able to run many miles everyday. But our dogs both seem happy, and we do the best we can with what we have. I wish you luck in your new place. Moving out is never easy.

_________________I once caught the clap from a salty navy bean on shore leave. Damn beans.--Desdemona

Renting a house is out of my budget, unfortunately. The ones in the area that I would like to live are all huge and something like $1000 (or more) per month. If I rented one that was in my budget, I would be moving outside of the city, which is kind of awesome, but I would have to do a lot more driving and would feel very isolated at a time when I need a lot of support from my friends. Also, if my car broke down (which it is apt to do on occasion), I would be SOL. My parental situation is awesome, but they have a dog already, and Rowdy needs to be in a one dog home. He doesn't get along well with other dogs, and he has snapped at their dog on more than one instance.

I will keep my eyes peeled this weekend though...if something amazing comes up between now and Monday (when I sign the lease), I will definitely jump at it. I think Rowdy will be ok, in that he will be taken care of. As for myself, I can't say. Leaving him is much harder than breaking up with my ex was, and in fact was a reason that I stayed for so much longer than I wanted to.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

Maybe if you stay in touch with Rowdy after you move something more ideal will open up soon and you can take him back if it seems like it's not working out with the ex. Sometimes the anxiety of having to move makes everything feel impossible and just being able to step back and breathe lets you see some other good options out there.

I am sorry for your loss - it is really hard to leave a relationship and I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

You posted elsewhere that this was the first apartment you looked at, and I can absolutely understand your eagerness to get out of a bad situation. I hope that you continue looking before you sign the lease and find a place that would take you and Rowdy. Rowdy may be different from my dog, Cuddles, but I know Cuddles would be happy in a small apartment with me. I might have to make accommodations - like taking him on long walks or to the dog park, but I'd rather do that than leave him with someone I wasn't 100% sure would take great care of him.

Sending you tons of good thoughts!

_________________My oven is bigger on the inside, and it produces lots of wibbly wobbly, cake wakey... stuff. - The PoopieB.

Renting a house is out of my budget, unfortunately. The ones in the area that I would like to live are all huge and something like $1000 (or more) per month. If I rented one that was in my budget, I would be moving outside of the city, which is kind of awesome, but I would have to do a lot more driving and would feel very isolated at a time when I need a lot of support from my friends. Also, if my car broke down (which it is apt to do on occasion), I would be SOL. My parental situation is awesome, but they have a dog already, and Rowdy needs to be in a one dog home. He doesn't get along well with other dogs, and he has snapped at their dog on more than one instance.

I will keep my eyes peeled this weekend though...if something amazing comes up between now and Monday (when I sign the lease), I will definitely jump at it. I think Rowdy will be ok, in that he will be taken care of. As for myself, I can't say. Leaving him is much harder than breaking up with my ex was, and in fact was a reason that I stayed for so much longer than I wanted to.

Fee offers good advice; once you are in a more emotionally safe place, you might find another solution. It doesn't sound as if your current situation is good for either you or your ex. Sometimes we have to weigh what is economically achievable with what would be ideal. It sounds as if you will be able to monitor Rowdy's situation and jump in should help be needed. Congratulations on finding a place that would let you have your cats!

_________________A whole lot of access and privilege goes into being sanctimonious pricks J-DubDessert is currently a big bowl of sanctimonious, passive aggressive vegan enduced boak. FezzaYou people are way less funny than Pandacookie. Sucks to be you.-interrobang?!

I think it's flat out mean to make someone feel guilty when they are trying to move on and make a good productive change. Not everyone has the money to buy and sell a place. I wish you much luck in making the most of a difficult situation, allular. You aren't a terrible person for trying to take care of yourself and get yourself out of an uncomfortable place. Ever onward! You can't know what the future will hold and there is no karma. You just keep doing the best you can.

If I hadn't been able to move in with my father-in-law when Brian got out of the army, I would've had to have given my dogs up to find a place to live. The third option was living in a van down by the river*. A lot of places require a non-refundable pet deposit per pet, and the max is two and cats only. Trying to rent with even a single animal can be a nightmare.

And Fee is right, things might change for you where you are able to move into a house or even a duplex that has a yard for Rowdy to run in.

*In actuality, Brian just wouldn't have been able to get out of the army but that would've required us to know months in advance that we wouldn't be able to find a home to buy in the town he was going to college in.

_________________"The Tree is His Penis"

The tree is his penis // it's very exciting // when held up to his mouth // the lights are all lighting // his eyes start a-bulging // in unbridled glee // the tree is his penis // its beauty, effulgent -amandabear

Leaving your dog with someone who is able to take care of them, space wise and financially (dickish comments said during an argument aside) while you are not, is not abandoning your dog. The dog has a home. If we all took everything that everyone ever said to or about us in the heat of an argument, it'd be a pretty miserable world.

_________________"The Tree is His Penis"

The tree is his penis // it's very exciting // when held up to his mouth // the lights are all lighting // his eyes start a-bulging // in unbridled glee // the tree is his penis // its beauty, effulgent -amandabear

I think it's flat out mean to make someone feel guilty when they are trying to move on and make a good productive change. Not everyone has the money to buy and sell a place. I wish you much luck in making the most of a difficult situation, allular. You aren't a terrible person for trying to take care of yourself and get yourself out of an uncomfortable place. Ever onward! You can't know what the future will hold and there is no karma. You just keep doing the best you can.

Thank you.

mrsbadmouth wrote:

Leaving your dog with someone who is able to take care of them, space wise and financially (dickish comments said during an argument aside) while you are not, is not abandoning your dog. The dog has a home. If we all took everything that everyone ever said to or about us in the heat of an argument, it'd be a pretty miserable world.

And yes, this makes me feel better as well. Things have calmed down considerably, we have had a discussion, and I know that he will be taken care of.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

Well, I don't have any useful advice to add, but I wanted to pop in and add a little love for you. I know how much you love that dog and can only imagine how much it must hurt to have to leave him. Even though you know he's going to be okay and be taken care of, man that still hurts.

Yes, it hurts a lot. And now it seems as if he knows something is up. Normally he isn't terribly affectionate unless I am just waking up (morning snuggles...I will miss them), but all day he has been glued to my side. I was doing pilates earlier and he wouldn't move off my mat and kept walking over to lick my face (something he never does). There will be tons of tears shed over this sad thing, even though I feel sure now that my ex will continue to care for him. I hope we will be able to work something out so that I can still see him and take him for lovely walks. But of course, even that will be heart-wrenching.

_________________But if one were to tickle Pluto, I suspect that it might very quietly laugh. - pandacookie

55k usd is like 4 cad or whatever equivalent in beavers you use on the island - joshua

But if there were karma, you would be getting it for being so awesome! (I know that's not really how it works)

I'm just glad that he's gotten past the dickishness and said he was going to keep Rowdy. If nothing else, the whole incident should cement the fact that you're making the right decision for yourself by getting out. People who use innocent bystanders, whether it be kids, animals, or other family, as bargaining chips suck. Emotional abuse is bad enough, but dragging others into it....it burns me up.

As for "leaving" Rowdy, even parents sometimes have to take a step back and be separated from their kids for various reasons. I lived with my grandparents for a big chunk of my life because my home situation was terrible and at the time my mom couldn't make it better. I know it's not the same, but moving further away, having a small apartment and no yard, or going into debt you can't take on to keep him wouldn't help Rowdy in the long run.

I hope you're able to keep up your walks, and at some point, are also able to get him back with you. Until then, I'm wishing you all the best in this new chapter of your life. Good luck, and congrats on getting you out of a bad situation. Some people never manage to do so because it's a hard step to take.