A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. Guests, register for forum membership to see all the boards. => Humor Me! => Topic started by: Tabris on December 08, 2007, 04:17:43 PM

In honor of Shay's NG Strikes Again thread, it's time to find fault with any gift, no matter how wonderful.

(The original thread is here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=20173.0 (http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=20173.0))

Here's how it goes. You "give a gift" to the next poster. The person who replies then must find a way that your gift if offensive, awful, insufficient, or otherwise wrongheaded. Then, after doing so, that person gives a gift.

Have fun. Oh, and while you're at it, here--have this lovely assortment of fruit.

Spices? BLECCCH!! I think hospitals are spot-on for using NOTHING in their cooking.

DF has purchased a lovely set of board games for your family.

Board games?! Do you mean bored games?

Here are some really nice miniature rose bushes for you. One in pink, one in yellow and one in white.[/quote]

Well, you obviously forgot about my tender skin, which scratches easily. But that's ok, I'll wear gloves, never mind about the thorns...I'll just suffer in silence...ouch!....oooh, that stings....how often do I have to water these things, anyway?

The Chicago Bears????????? You got me tickets to those interception throwing; bad blocking; totally emotionally debilitating BEARS? You HATE me!! You want to see me have panic attacks again! BuRN

By the way, I got you a full set of Caphalon Cookware

Calphalon Cookware?!?!?!? Those make my food taste funny. I tried to make a batch of minestrone soup using the Calphalon stockpot and I'll be darned if it didn't react with one of the vegetables I use. You must really hate me!!!

Well. You seemed to enjoy the last three dinner parties I invited you to. You didn't complain about my cooking at that time. If you were not satisfied with what I had to offer as the hostess - yoiu should not have accepted my next three invites.

Well. You seemed to enjoy the last three dinner parties I invited you to. You didn't complain about my cooking at that time. If you were not satisfied with what I had to offer as the hostess - yoiu should not have accepted my next three invites.

I, being thoughtful, have gotten you a lovely crystal tree ornamant.

Oh wonderful. With an 18 month granddaughter living here and a dog and 2 cats, it's such a safe gift when someone breaks it and my little angel gets cut.I have gotten you a lovely set of wine glasses.

Well. You seemed to enjoy the last three dinner parties I invited you to. You didn't complain about my cooking at that time. If you were not satisfied with what I had to offer as the hostess - yoiu should not have accepted my next three invites.

I, being thoughtful, have gotten you a lovely crystal tree ornamant.

Oh wonderful. With an 18 month granddaughter living here and a dog and 2 cats, it's such a safe gift when someone breaks it and my little angel gets cut.I have gotten you a lovely set of wine glasses.

So are you implying that all we drink is wine?? You think I'm an alcoholic don't you?? THE NERVE!!

Well thank you. ::) I am assuming you got me a SWEAT SHIRT because I am so slender you thought I was a LITTLE BOY. A little boy who likes sweatshirts with snowmen as oppossed to a GROWN woman, and a lady. I understand that on your budget, something befitting a lady was probably not possible. That is ok, Dahling, I understand. (Almost too snarky for myself).

To give you some guidance on what to get an adult, I got you gourmet coffee beans.

Well thank you. ::) I am assuming you got me a SWEAT SHIRT because I am so slender you thought I was a LITTLE BOY. A little boy who likes sweatshirts with snowmen as oppossed to a GROWN woman, and a lady. I understand that on your budget, something befitting a lady was probably not possible. That is ok, Dahling, I understand. (Almost too snarky for myself).

To give you some guidance on what to get an adult, I got you gourmet coffee beans.

Well, that's just great. I'm allergic to coffee, and my husband can only drink decaffeinated beverages. We don't even OWN a coffee grinder. You're trying to rub that in our faces, aren't you? What am I supposed to do with these...these....magic beans?

How many times do I have to tell you that I have trouble paying attention when things are read out loud to me? Why can't you just get me the freakin book, huh, so I can actually find out what happens in it? Do you think I'm stupid just cuz I have trouble listening to things being read out loud?

Cookies! What, are you hinting something? Yeah, I know the darn cookie exchange is tomorrow, and I know that I haven't even STARTED baking yet, but you know what? I'll get it done in my own good time, and you don't have to give me these passive aggressive hints! Homemade cookies indeed! Hmmph!

(totally OT, but I keep trying to type "the person below me" for the second half of this game, because I've spent so much time on that thread)

*gasp* I can't believe you're giving me alcohol! I am a Christian! I am so offended that you would dishonor my household like that!**

Please enjoy this frosted glass chess set.

**imitation of someone I actually know. She's "allergic" to alcohol. Didn't stop her from snagging a bite of my tiramisu at dinner one night though! She and her hubby can't go to the local restaurant with the waitresses wearing white tanks and orange shorts, because what if someone sees them there? They have a church sticker on their van!

Oh my goodness--I LOVE popcorn and I have an award-winning collection of Christmas tins! How did you know that? Are you stalking me? Have you been following me around? Why are you paying so much attention to me? I'm going to go to HR about this! You won't get away with your snooping ways! I bet you hacked into my private email account and you're cyberstalking me on the popcorn and Christmas tin boards. But I've got all the proof I need now!

Do you have any idea how bad printing a photo is for the environment? If you cared about the planet at all, you would have gotten me a nice digital frame so that I could enjoy pictures and keep green at the same time! Don't you care about the planet even a little bit?

Here is a lovely necklace and earrings to go with your favorite blouse.

It must have been made with prehistoric fruit, it's hard as a rock. It chipped my glass tabletop when I was putting it down. I'll send you the bill for my new dining room table, I'm sure you will make it right.

The glitter will fall off and get all over my floor. Thanks for making my house more of a mess at the holidays.

On the other hand, I thought very, very hard about you and bought you tickets to the fabulous show you have been wanting to see, dinner at the restaurant you love (with one other person), and of course a limo ride to and from all events.

Of course, I checked your calendar to make sure you didn't have plans that night-do you think I would be that thoughtless? And of course I hired a sitter for your dependents.

On the other hand, I thought very, very hard about you and bought you tickets to the fabulous show you have been wanting to see, dinner at the restaurant you love (with one other person), and of course a limo ride to and from all events.

Of course, I checked your calendar to make sure you didn't have plans that night-do you think I would be that thoughtless? And of course I hired a sitter for your dependents.

What a waste of money--I only go see matinees because they cost half the price, and then you can eat off the lunch menus. Besides, why would I want to spend time away from my preeeshus chiiiiiiildrun?!?

Aww gee, one more thing for the ctas to shed all over. And of course I can't just chuck it in the washer. Do you iknow how expensive it is to get these things cleaned? You really, really, shouldn't have.

Not only is that stuff pre-sweetened and you know I'm diabetic, but my name's spelled wrong on the mug. Just thought you should know.

Here you go, the newest and trendiest cell phone/mp3/video player.

Well, now everyone's going to mob me in the streets, because they'll be CONVINCED that I'm a celebrity!!! After all, no REGULAR person could afford something that cool......so now, all because of you, I'm going to have to spend all my free time signing autographs. >:(

Great. The front row-are you trying to make me go deaf. You know how delicate my shell-like ears are and how much that kind of loud noise bothers me. I will probably hear the ringing for months. Thanks a whole lot.

For you, I have purchased a lovely autographed first edition copy of Judith Martin's first etiquitte book in piristine condition, of course. I hope you enjoy it!

Great. The front row-are you trying to make me go deaf. You know how delicate my shell-like ears are and how much that kind of loud noise bothers me. I will probably hear the ringing for months. Thanks a whole lot.

For you, I have purchased a lovely autographed first edition copy of Judith Martin's first etiquitte book in piristine condition, of course. I hope you enjoy it!

Lynn

Are you saying I'm RUDE?!?!? Don't you know that it's RUDE to point out rudeness?!?!?!

Oh, and here's a pair of earplugs to wear to the concert....although, I have to say, plugging your ears in the presence of Ani should be illegal. ;)

You KNOW how scared of cats I am. Ever since I was traumatized at a young age by my neighbor's Siamese with a bad temper. Now this. <sob>

I have signed you up for the pottery class you said you were interested in taking sometime this year. You know-the one with the great instructor, all supplies paid for, and at a set of times/dates you can go. I have scheduled myself and one other person to help you out by babysitting your Labrador during those times. I have even tail-wagging-proofed my home for the occasions! I sure hope you have a great time.

Lynn

(Yes-I did have a neighbor with an ill-tempered Siamese. But he and I got along well. ;D)

So you don't like the bedspread I already have? Are you saying that I'm not competent enough to decorate on my own, or are you just trying to impress me by how much money you have to fritter away on frou-frou bedspreads?

By the way, I've booked a "weekend at home" vacation for you. The house cleaner is coming for a top-to-bottom scrub of your house while you're at work on Friday, the gardener is going to do all your leaf raking and other landscaping chores, and I got a handyman to come in and fix anything you need fixing (he'll just need a list). This way you can relax at home with a good book and not worry about anything around the house!

So you don't like the bedspread I already have? Are you saying that I'm not competent enough to decorate on my own, or are you just trying to impress me by how much money you have to fritter away on frou-frou bedspreads?

By the way, I've booked a "weekend at home" vacation for you. The house cleaner is coming for a top-to-bottom scrub of your house while you're at work on Friday, the gardener is going to do all your leaf raking and other landscaping chores, and I got a handyman to come in and fix anything you need fixing (he'll just need a list). This way you can relax at home with a good book and not worry about anything around the house!

Who the heck has time to make a list?!? I can't believe you'd do that to me!

So not only am I filthy and my landlord is incompetent, but I'm supposed to let some strange man into my house this weekend, while BF is at work and it's just me? Do you WANT me to be attacked and robbed? I know you've had an eye on my candlesticks, I bet he's stealing them as your cut, huh?

:o What on earth were you thinking? After all, sun exposure causes cancer. You probably want me to die. <dramatic sigh> Besides, everyone knows that the place to see and be seen this season is St. Maarten. So-I am getting cancer going to a second rate "vacation" spot. Thanks a whole heckuva lot.

I got you that new wide angle camera lens you said you wanted. Happy photographing!

:'( And where on earth am I supposed to store my motorcycles with no garage? Tell me that. Sheesh-some people just have no consideration, I tell you.

I, on the other hand, have bought you a really cool new upkeep-free robot that will go to work for you so that you don't have to go anymore, and will you still get paid your full salary. As a bonus, the robot will (if you choose) clean your house for you in its off time. It will also take a second job so that it has more income for you, if you would like.

I, on the other hand, have bought you a really cool new upkeep-free robot that will go to work for you so that you don't have to go anymore, and will you still get paid your full salary. As a bonus, the robot will (if you choose) clean your house for you in its off time. It will also take a second job so that it has more income for you, if you would like.

AHHHH! You know about my robot phobia! I've seen the movies, that thing is going to strangle me in my sleep! I don't want it anywhere near me!

But, but, butbutbut.......it's WINTER!!! Everything's covered with boring white snow, or disgusting dirty greyish-brown slush, and it's cloudy!!! I'll have to wait all the way until spring before I can get any real use out of this camera!!! (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek.....one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was a series of frozen waterfalls on a snowshoeing expedition in grade seven).

*Sigh* If I have to Google someone to find out who they are, I'm not prepared to listen to them. It would probably offend my delicate sensibilities or something. Besides you know I get frequent headaches. I'm sure that would just make it worse.

For you, I have chosen a lifetime subscription to your absolute favorite magazine.

I just can't take it anymore. Macy's???? How could you? You know that I don't shop there, ever since 'the incident.' I may have to take a week off from work due to the panic that the thought of going to that store. Shudder.

I have made you one of my famous cheesecakes. The chocolate one that you liked so much at Thanksgiving.

Vegan? Are you trying to make a crack about the fact that I eat meat? I know that your personal lifestyle choices are actually all about insulting me about my lifestyle choices, aren't they? Admit it.

(I can't believe I just had to be insulted about getting a dessert. Aaargh. This thread is making me want chocolate. And new cars. And homemade quilts. And a new motorcycle-to go in my lovely new house's garage.)

Personally, I have gotten you something you will really love. Honest-you will. I got you a new vehicle-one of your choice. That's right-if you want the new Prius, it is all yours. If you want a vintage Vincent motorcycle-I will go and get it for you. Model A-done. BMW R1200RT-well, I might just have to test ride that bike for you to be sure it works, but then it will be all yours. ;D DeLorean time machine with nuclear powered flux capacitor-I will get it, thought it may take a little longer. Just let me know what you choose. It will be in perfect running order, with all maintenance, insurance and gas paid for for one year from the date of purchase.

Yeah, if I park THAT at Wal-Mart, it's just gonna be Parking Lot Target Practice. And a man???? What WERE you thinking? How am I going to explain that gift to my Girlfriend?? You're just making a passive-agressive dig at my lifestyle, aren't you? Hmph.

I am sure you'll love this top-of-the line digital camera with extra memory.

Fancy-schmancy china, huh?? What are you trying to say...that my collection of miss-matched, chipped plates aren't good enough?? We aren't all made of money you know....some of us do have bills to pay!!

I got you and your SO (wife, friend, hubby) an all expenses paid trip to ANYWHERE in the world! I even arranged for time off with your employer, a babysitter for pets/kids/ elderly parents and arranged to have your mail stopped and whatever else you need before you go. AND I also got you a BRAND NEW WARDROBE to go in STYLE!! This top of the line clothing came from Sak's 5th Avenue. You also get matching shoes in your size. ENJOY!!

But you know that having to use my telepathy on humans just gives me a migraine. I can only safely use it on cockroaches.

Now, here is a doppelganger to go to work for you for two weeks so you can have that long rest at home with your SO/pets/kids/houseplants/self that you have said that you need in order to really get over your winter cold. Feel better soon.

Well...if you knew me at ALL, you would know that I don't have my own place, I live in my mom's basement! And it isn't exactly quiet around there....Mom "entertains" alot...I have alot of "uncles"....(not really)So I work alot to get AWAY from all that!!!!! Some gift!

Patrick Dempsy is coming by later to take you to dinner. Merry Christmas!

If you knew me at all, you would know that I don't own anything as common as a television set. No, we go to the opera, and the theater. We just love going to the ballet. But you would know that if you paid attention, which you don't! Thanks for a gift that I can't even use!

I got you tickets to see the hot new Broadway musical, on Broadway ofcourse!

Well, I hope they don't have any nuts in them, or eggs, or any dairy products in fact. You do know that I'm dairy intolerant and that DS is allergic to nuts don't you? Are you implying that I have just been making it up this whole time? The nerve!

Well, I hope they don't have any nuts in them, or eggs, or any dairy products in fact. You do know that I'm dairy intolerant and that DS is allergic to nuts don't you? Are you implying that I have just been making it up this whole time? The nerve!

Here, I got you a Louis Vuitton handbag and matching wallet.

Well, now I'll have to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe to co-ordinate with my upscale bag!!! I hope you're happy, now all because of you, I won't have any MONEY to put in that fancy-pants wallet. ;)

Here, for my gift to you, Prince Magicfingers and I volunteer to play at your next wedding/party/random down time when you feel like hearing live music without leaving the house.

Well, you know I like to spend Christmas with my family, and why in the world didn't you let us know before BF used up all his vacation time just to have a few days off? Now he'll have to take an unpaid week off or skip the trip!

??? For heaven's sake, you know that the most fuel efficient vehicles around are motorcycles. A nice V-Strom would get me great mileage while still being fun, unlike the econobox there-and you know I have been wanting a new bike. I'll bet I can't even trailer my bike behind that little skateboard, can I? And a track day or motorcycle skills update would be much more sensible than some lessons on driving a cage-as though I do that any more than I have to.

How do you like your nice new Digital SLR, along with the computer to load pictures, a pre-paid year of high speed internet so you can share your photographic genius, and (of course) image editing software and the training you need to make it easy and fun for you? There is a nice small point and shoot digital camera in there too, in case you don't want to carry around the big kit. I even threw in some extra lenses, a camera bag and a nice tripod to go with it all.

Is that a crack about my cooking skills? Darn it, you know I am sensitive about it-and I am not really sure I would trust something homemade anyway-coudl't you pry your wallet open to actually spend some money on me?

I have, of course, found the ultimate gift for you. Do you remember that antique platter that I inheirited that you loved so much? The one that you told me you really wanted because it would go so well with your dishes? Well, I found one just like it-only in even better condition (that nick on the rim of mine is still annoying). I hope you love it!

Well, if you knew me at all, you would know how much I hate musical and dance numbers!! Give me a rousing gospel song anyday!

I have bought you groceries for the entire year. If you are Jewish, I have bought the necessary requirements. Same for Muslim, Hindu, JW, and every other religion. I have also bought you an extra fridge/freezer to store all your food. THe rest of the groceries is in the form of Gift Cards to your favorite food store.

I know you love yours-but we have discussed (ad naseum) the fact that I think it is a piece of junk. I already have the latest, greatest, trendiest, coolest, bestest MP3 player made....yours won't even put out enough power to allow me to hear it while I am riding. Quit pushing your preferences for junk off on me!

I have gotten you the latest, trendiest, coolest, expensive handbag made. I got it in black-since your current handbag is black, I know you will like the color. I promise, it was made in a totally 'green' way, with no harmful dyes, animal products, or unsustainable materials....and it is a sweat-shop free product, because I know you would demand that. It is the same kind of bag that your favorite celebrity carries. Enjoy!

I am confused here. When did Lexus start making motorcycles? Oh-you got me a car. Didn't you know that Lexus stands for fancied up Toyota? Thanks. No-really. I am sure I will enjoy driving a car. ::)

I got a gift certificate for your favorite restaurant (enough to cover a full meal-including any desserts or drinks you might like to have), a car and driver for the evening, and a sitter for your dog/cat/child. Have a good time!

Oh great. I can take a friend with me to get chiggers, and sore thighs from being thrown by evil-tempered horses....and then we can get a fungal infection from improperly cleaned hot tubs and I know that that place is probably crawling with bears and poison ivy. Man, I bet I can lose a friend there!

I got you a new just-as-good and indistinguishable-from-fur faux fur jacket in the color that best goes with your favorite evening attire and handbag.

Oh-and a nice dinner with another person (of your choice) at a swanky restaurant so that you will have somewhere wonderful to wear it.

Lynn

I can't wear something that looks like fur, people will think it is fur and think I support the torture of small fuzzy critters! And swanky restaurants serve stuff like foie gras and veal. More tortured critters! I'm calling PETA.

I'm giving you a nice long wool coat, perfect for keeping cozy in the winter.

I got you a new just-as-good and indistinguishable-from-fur faux fur jacket in the color that best goes with your favorite evening attire and handbag.

Oh-and a nice dinner with another person (of your choice) at a swanky restaurant so that you will have somewhere wonderful to wear it.

Lynn

I can't wear something that looks like fur, people will think it is fur and think I support the torture of small fuzzy critters! And swanky restaurants serve stuff like foie gras and veal. More tortured critters! I'm calling PETA.

I'm giving you a nice long wool coat, perfect for keeping cozy in the winter.

Great, here I am, trying to watch my figure, and you give me these cookies and I'll eat them all, and I'll go into a shame spiral, and scare away my boyfriend, and it'll just be me, and the cats, all alone, forever and ever.

Great, here I am, trying to watch my figure, and you give me these cookies and I'll eat them all, and I'll go into a shame spiral, and scare away my boyfriend, and it'll just be me, and the cats, all alone, forever and ever.

Oh, that's just GREAT.......too bad I live in HAWAII!!!! (No, I don't really, but sometimes it looks tempting, lol. By the way, fun story.....I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition a week or so ago, and the team was putting together a house for a family that lived in Hawaii, and while they were working on the house, they sent the family on a vacation to Whistler, B.C. So, I guess there ARE people in the world who envy the six-month Canadian winters, lol. Personally, I've had my fill of them.......I think I want to move to California when I'm older and I can afford it).

Umm.......here you go, it's a family membership to the zoo for a whole year. :)

Oh, that's just GREAT.......too bad I live in HAWAII!!!! (No, I don't really, but sometimes it looks tempting, lol. By the way, fun story.....I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition a week or so ago, and the team was putting together a house for a family that lived in Hawaii, and while they were working on the house, they sent the family on a vacation to Whistler, B.C. So, I guess there ARE people in the world who envy the six-month Canadian winters, lol. Personally, I've had my fill of them.......I think I want to move to California when I'm older and I can afford it).

Umm.......here you go, it's a family membership to the zoo for a whole year. :)

A family membership! You know I don't have kids and now you are rubbing in the fact I haven't had any yet. Gee thanks.

I got you a pony! She's the sweetest tempered little thing, and I even hired someone to clean up after her.[/quote]Wonderful! How am I going to keep my granddaughters away from her? And I can already hear the "Amma, I wanna ride, please? Please?" And the temper tantrums!

Here is an already paid for photo session and the professional photographers of your choice. And any and all pictures you choose are on me. And here is a free makeover at the salon of your choice along with an outfit for you to wear.

I got you a pony! She's the sweetest tempered little thing, and I even hired someone to clean up after her.

Wonderful! How am I going to keep my granddaughters away from her? And I can already hear the "Amma, I wanna ride, please? Please?" And the temper tantrums!

Here is an already paid for photo session and the professional photographers of your choice. And any and all pictures you choose are on me. And here is a free makeover at the salon of your choice along with an outfit for you to wear.[/quote]

Gee thanks, Joanie...You don't think I look good in my normal pictures? Like, I'll only be photogenic if someone does all my makeup and my hair and puts me in some spangly outfit? WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT ME THE WAY I AM!?

I got you new bedsheets!! Egyptian cotton, neutrally colored to match everything in your bedroom, and most important, oh so soft and relaxing!

I got you a pony! She's the sweetest tempered little thing, and I even hired someone to clean up after her.

Wonderful! How am I going to keep my granddaughters away from her? And I can already hear the "Amma, I wanna ride, please? Please?" And the temper tantrums!

Here is an already paid for photo session and the professional photographers of your choice. And any and all pictures you choose are on me. And here is a free makeover at the salon of your choice along with an outfit for you to wear.[/quote]

And the outfit is red! You know redheads can't wear red! You also haven't noticed that I'm about as photogenic as a big, ugly rock! Or you have and you just want to laugh at my pictures!

Here's a ticket for a cruise to Alaska (or wherever you'd like to go.)

Here is an already paid for photo session and the professional photographers of your choice. And any and all pictures you choose are on me. And here is a free makeover at the salon of your choice along with an outfit for you to wear.

And the outfit is red! You know redheads can't wear red! You also haven't noticed that I'm about as photogenic as a big, ugly rock! Or you have and you just want to laugh at my pictures!

Here's a ticket for a cruise to Alaska (or wherever you'd like to go.)

[/quote]

Ha ha, we posted at the same time. I'll start over...

But...Alaska is so cold, and what if I get meningitis from the cruise? What is my appendix burst and the Coast Guard can't get to me? Ar eyou trying to kill me?

I got you new bedsheets!! Egyptian cotton, neutrally colored to match everything in your bedroom, and most important, oh so soft and relaxing!

Do have any idea how cold it is this time of year at Soldier Field? I'll surely catch the flu, have to be hospitalized, and then need to declare bankruptcy when I get the bill. Not only that, but I'll become SO depressed if the Bears don't win, that I'll have to instituionalized too. >:(

You know this year I am trying to focus on helping others that do not have as much as we have. And now you have gone and reminded me how extravagent and self-centered I have been in the past. How do you think I feel wrapping presents at the "Y" for people that have absolutely nothing while I have this gift certificate in my purse?

Now where am I going to hang it? It doesn't really go with anything in my home.

Ok, I know that you don't care much for anything I get you. I think and think and think and can't figure out the perfect gift for you. And besides, I am worn out from shopping and have everyone else done but you. Here is a money order from a reputable bank, for $1000.

(completely OT, but Joline just put her breakfast plate in the sink! YAY! Sorry)

A money order for $1000? That plus the money I've saved up. and I still won't have enough for that Liz Claiborne dress I've been meaning to buy for Valentine's Day! Gosh darnit, am I going to have to settle for something at the *gasp* local Walmart? How could you?!?!?!

After a truly agonizing search that lasted from two weeks before Thanksgiving until today, after traveling to six major cities, after spending exactly three days in Canada, I think I found something you might like. Here's an exact reproduction of Portia's dress. You know, from the scene in The Merchant of Venice where she's faced with the riddle of the three chests?

A money order for $1000? That plus the money I've saved up. and I still won't have enough for that Liz Claiborne dress I've been meaning to buy for Valentine's Day! Gosh darnit, am I going to have to settle for something at the *gasp* local Walmart? How could you?!?!?!

After a truly agonizing search that lasted from two weeks before Thanksgiving until today, after traveling to six major cities, after spending exactly three days in Canada, I think I found something you might like. Here's an exact reproduction of Portia's dress. You know, from the scene in The Merchant of Venice where she's faced with the riddle of the three chests?

Well, thanks, but I don't really like amusement parks. I hate crowds. I hate roller coasters. I dislike most rides. I hate cotton candy. why on earth would you think that I would like my own amusement park? Oh, maybe my kids would like it, but isn't the present to be for meeeeee???

Here's what I got you: A chef. One that will make any dinner/lunch/breakfast you want. Doesn't matter if you're a vegetarian, or meat lover or kosher or lactose intolerant. He'll make whatever you want. and he'll do it for one week. (AND he'll also clean up after himself)

Well, thanks, but I don't really like amusement parks. I hate crowds. I hate roller coasters. I dislike most rides. I hate cotton candy. why on earth would you think that I would like my own amusement park? Oh, maybe my kids would like it, but isn't the present to be for meeeeee???

Here's what I got you: A chef. One that will make any dinner/lunch/breakfast you want. Doesn't matter if you're a vegetarian, or meat lover or kosher or lactose intolerant. He'll make whatever you want. and he'll do it for one week. (AND he'll also clean up after himself)

And he'll probably bring his own stuff and act all la-de-da over how superior his equipment is compared to my cheap wedding present pots and pans. And he'll probably send me all over town looking for fittlehead fern curd. Or, he'll criticize the fact that I make a lot of crock pot meals. He won't put kielbasa into my bean soup, telling me, "Whale shark sausage is so much better than kielbasa!" even though whale shark sausage is $250 a pound and kielbasa is $3 a package at Albertson's. Plus, who's going to pay for all the ingredients this guy uses? Me? I can't afford whale shark sausage and fittlehead fern curd! He'll also probably use saffron threads to flavor everything, which are $69 an ounce.

Here, I got you a puppy.....he's super-smart, VERY obedient, fully housetrained, walks perfectly on a leash, performs song and dance routines on command, and he even has opposable thumbs, so he can hang his own law degree on the wall.

Here, I got you a puppy.....he's super-smart, VERY obedient, fully housetrained, walks perfectly on a leash, performs song and dance routines on command, and he even has opposable thumbs, so he can hang his own law degree on the wall.

Ugh...GAWD! I HATE dogs! What, you don't know what a CAT is?

Here, I got you a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear Workshop. Her name is Dina, isn't she pretty?

A cruise? You got me a cruise? You should have asked my parents what happened when Aunt Ophelia and I went on that Hawaiian cruise. I was violently seasick, and poor darling Aunt Ophelia had to spend the whole two-week cruise bathing my forehead and feeding me chicken broth. Honestly, don't you do any research before looking for Christmas presents?

A coach purse, and wallet, ugh, the nerve, those are made from animal skin. Now there is a cow running around out there with a big hunk of skin missing for the purse and a smaller one for the wallet. How cruel. Now, instead of using the gift card for something I wanted, I have to donate the money so a vet can graft the skin on that poor cow.

Oh, thank you very much for NOTHING!!! I am terrified of water deeper than my shower, and a cabana boy and manservant. Did you even think for one minute that I just really don't like boys or men??? (I really do, and I don't have anything against those who don't)

I am gifting to you this lambswool lined, down coat. It's light weight, for outside fun, but also, fancy enough to wear on any evening out. I do so hope you like it.

Oh, thank you very much for NOTHING!!! I am terrified of water deeper than my shower, and a cabana boy and manservant. Did you even think for one minute that I just really don't like boys or men??? (I really do, and I don't have anything against those who don't)

I am gifting to you this lambswool lined, down coat. It's light weight, for outside fun, but also, fancy enough to wear on any evening out. I do so hope you like it.

Great! I live in South FL (I wish!) so a down coat is completely USELESS!!

Great....I'm allergic to any kind of soap except for Ivory soap. I thought we went through this LAST year when you bought me some B&BW?? Man, you REALLY need to pay attention!!

I got you an all expenses paid trip to the sporting event of your choice, arranged flight, hotel and food. I even booked you a nanny at the 5 star hotel that you are to be staying in so that you and your SO can go out on the town!! THere are also several VISA gift cards, good whereever Visa is accepted...so you are all set. I even arranged for time off work with your boss.

I hate sports! The crowds are so loud, the stadiums only sell smelly fattening food and I swear I can smell perspiration everywhere. How unsanitary. And how dare you book me on a coach flight?? You know with my long legs, I need more room to stretch out in first class. This will give me leg cramps all night. I hate that hotel chain, I can't even get rewards points with them and they always have pillows that are too fluffy. The hotel restaurant doesn't even have overhead lighting - just candles at the tables. You're trying to ruin my eyes!!!

The nanny smiles too much, and her hair is too long - how can she be expected to take care of a kid when she doesn't know that nannies are only supposed to have short hair?! I never said I wanted a night on the town anyway -- then I'd have to wear heels and that will only make these leg cramps worse. I know, you want me to twist an ankle, don't you? Ha! I foiled that plan!

VISA??? How dare you! Don't you know that every time you swipe a credit card, your risk of cancer goes up from the electro-micron-bobbles? You're trying to kill me! AND what are you doing talking to my boss?! You're trying to steal my job while I'm on this "thoughtful" trip you arranged for me! Well, I can see right through you, and I'm not going!!!

I don't even know who this Septimus Heap is, but I suppose I will read them since you sent them to me, even though I probably won't like them. I will probably have to sign for the 4th book, which means I will have to stay home and wait for it to show up. Even if I don't have to sign for it, I still need to be here so that is doesn't get stolen, or left out in the snow, or rain, or a puddle. What a pain for a book...I still don't even think I will like these books. So, thank, I guess.

For you, I have a George Forman Grill. The big one, so that you can cook all your favorite types of steak, chicken, fish, and pork, more healthy.

60 INCHES???? What were you thinking? My living room is only 8 feet deep, I will be blind before I am through my first brand spankin new blu-ray DVD. At least the video collection has all the special stuff. It will, however, take months before I can afford a different TV.

For you, I found a gorgeous pure lead cut crystal set, decanter, and glasses, and a collector bottle of Cognac.

60 INCHES???? What were you thinking? My living room is only 8 feet deep, I will be blind before I am through my first brand spankin new blu-ray DVD. At least the video collection has all the special stuff. It will, however, take months before I can afford a different TV.

For you, I found a gorgeous pure lead cut crystal set, decanter, and glasses, and a collector bottle of Cognac.

I suppose you want me to mix the cognac with orange juice or some other acidy thing so the lead will leach out into the drink and I'll get lead poisoning!

Here's a gift certificate to have dinner at my favorite restaurant. Enjoy!

That restaurant is across town and I don't like it. Didn't you get the hint after the first time I went there with you? I didn't finish the food and gave you the left overs. I told you that it wasn't my favorite type of food.

Great! Another "gift" I can't use! My children are all in school full time. So this gift would go to waiste as my youngest is just over the cut off date for enrollment! Plus I don't even get off work until 6pm and my DH is not reliable enough to pick him up as he travels alot. I don't have any other relitives to do pick up and I don't know our neighbors well enough to ask them to pick him up.

Oh, gee, thanks. How am I going to spend time on that. I have a computer you know, and you also know that all the games I play, I play on the computer. Not to mention, now my boys will just hog that anyhow, and I would never get to play with it.You know I let them do and say whatever they want.

I am passing to you a gift to stay at any hotel any where in the world, for 6 days 7 nights. I am also borrowing you my Canon Rebel Digital Camera that I just bought, and giving you three 1 mb memory cards for it, plus batteries. I am also giving you several thousand dollars in spending money so you won't have to worry about paying for anything. To top it off, you can use this gift any time in the next 24 months.

I bet there's something wrong with that camera and you want me to take it, use it, and then you'll blame me and make me use that money to pay you for it. I know how those things go. >:(

I've gone to your local utility company and paid for a year of utility bills for you based on your past year's useage plus a hefty amount for inflation. You can run that heater and air conditioning all you want with no worries this year!

Well....gee....I guess my other KitcheAid will have a twin sister!! Jeeze, you've known me for HOW MANY YEARS and you never noticed that I've had one for 5 years?? (true!) Man, how self-involved are you?

I got you a nice new cappacino machine so you can make all your favorite coffee drinks right at home, saving you tons of money so you don't have to go to Starbucks anymore.

Oh great....it's already filled and besides, I've had the professor for another course and she and I got into it over her policy that if you're in the hospital she will personally come to the hospital and give you your schoolwork. I really really really don't want to deal with her again, thankyouverymuch.

Here's a bottle of wine from my favorite winery and some chocolate-covered strawberries. Enjoy.....

First of all, the reviews for the movies weren't all that great. Secondly, my SO and I don't care for microwave popcorn. Thirdly, I'm trying to cut back on my candy consumption. Besides, when would we find the time to watch that kid/family movie with his granddaughter?

Ugh!! You bought me a CAGE with teeny little CAPTIVES in it! How horrifying! How disgusting! I am not some imperialistic overseer who needs to OWN other living creatures for my sick little delight! How DARE you think such awful things of me!!!

I got you a desk set, with pens, pencils, paper clips in different colors, etc.

A GIFT CARD? How incredibly impersonal. Do you even know my name? Do you remember what color my hair is? You clearly can't be bothered to spend any real time, or actual energy on something meaningful and personal. You'd MUCH rather just toss a wad of cash in my face and tell me to go away. Thanks a lot.

You don't know me at all do you. If you had even bothered to know anything about me you'd know that I am a Luddite and only use this new fangled computery thing to earn money to buy kerosene to light my house. Now I must go and curry the mule.

How could you? You know I have two dogs who love to get into everything, and they'll have spines stuck in their noses and it's going to cost me beaucoup bucks just to get the spines removed and besides, the pot completely clashes with my decor!

I put together an afternoon tea basket for you. It's got scone mix, a tin of Earl Grey teabags, and two lovely teacups.

Oh, Thanks a lot!!! With all the flooding that went on here, there is standing water EVERYWHERE, and because of that, the mosquitoes are beyond horrid this year. Not only that, but it's wicked humid, and who wants to sit outside in that! HMPH

I was out shopping today, and when I saw this, I thought of you!!! A lovely little table fan, and despite it's size it blows a very nice stream of air. It also can be pointed at several different angles, from straight up, to straight down.

Oh, Thanks a lot!!! With all the flooding that went on here, there is standing water EVERYWHERE, and because of that, the mosquitoes are beyond horrid this year. Not only that, but it's wicked humid, and who wants to sit outside in that! HMPH

I was out shopping today, and when I saw this, I thought of you!!! A lovely little table fan, and despite it's size it blows a very nice stream of air. It also can be pointed at several different angles, from straight up, to straight down.

A fan!?!? Why on earth do you think I'm too poor to go out and buy a fan myself if I need one? Besides, up in MN, it's cold and snowy for 8 months out of the year. What a ridiculous gift!

Being a reasonable, generous person, I got you this Swarovski crystal necklace and matching bracelet. Lovely colors too, gold and green!

Ugh!! What exactly can I DO with a painting?? Couldn't you of gotten me something more practical, like money?? Besides, I'd have to take all my beautiful velvet paintings of Elvis off my walls to make room for it.

I have gotten you a year's worth of indulgences - it's a a gift certificate for a year's worth of day spa visits.

My gift is an open ticket for two to anywhere in the world you would like to go. Along with hotel/food gift certificate.

What's the matter with my house? Are you saying my house is a mess and no sane person would want to live here? And why on earth is it *for two*? Are you one of those people who believes you have to be part of a couple in order for your life to be worthwhile?

Great. Just great. That'll come in soooooooooo handy for my new place in Honolulu. How many trees died for that worthless scrap of paper?

Here, take this. It's not much - but I've arranged to have all your meals for the next week taken care of, free. Emeril Lagasse, Bobby Flay, Masaharu Morimoto and Gordon Ramsay will cook for you; your servers will be Harrison Ford and John Barrowman.

Great, so now I either have to travel for all my meals, or clean my kitchen to professional chef standards? And what, Johnny Depp wasn't available, huh?

I'm giving you a $1000 gift card for your favorite mall, so you can buy anything you want, and limo service there and back. The driver will also follow you in the mall and hold your bags for you.

Are you suggesting that I'm not capable of buying things that I want by myself? That I'm poor and you're charitably giving me this chance? How dare you? And why would I need somebody to carry my bags for me? Do you really think I'm that incapable??

I've arranged for house and/or pet sitting services for you for your next vacation, at no cost to you.

Oh, thanks a lot, first I have to hope they give me the day off work, then I have to buy some new clothes, since I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl. Hope DF can get the day off work, and get some new clothes for him. We'll have to buy dinner, and that won't be cheap either. So much for "free" tickets.

To you, I give, a complete picnic, with all the fixins. I will also throw in some bug repellent, because the mosquitoes are in abundance this year, and something to keep the ants away. The park is beautiful with lots of shade trees, and lots of privacy for you and your SO.

Haven't you noticed that I only wear Target and that nothing brand-name will ever adorn my body? They'll go in the bin with the Gucci dress you got me last year, and those fancy stilettos from the year before.

What in the world am I going to use a mug for? I don't drink coffee, and all my water comes from bottles...I certainly don't drink nasty tap water! What an inconsiderate gift! And you got the quotation wrong too!

I've commissioned a queen sized quilt for you - your choice of colors and design.

I spoke to the quilter, and she won't make it round. I always wanted a round quilt. I guess I'll just have to suffer because no one really understands me, but really, what can you expect in this world? I don't complain.

A REFRIGERATOR???? What so I can stock it with food and then get FAT from eating it all???? Are you TRYING to make me fat??? You are aren't you!! You are just a jealous hosebeast who hates skinny people! :'(

I'm giving you a robot that is programmed to be your servent, to live at your beck and call and to do ALL the housekeeping chores! It's can even be a nanny if you'd like!

Oh great! I'll go to <famous jewlery store name here> where I can get half the size diamond I want. Oh and guess I won't be able get the marquis cut, those are reserved for "queen for a day" pricing options.

Here is a a million dollar term life insurance policy in your name.

You want me to die, don't you? When is it up, just so I know when to plan my own funeral. I'm sure you're the beneficiary.

baseball... baseball.. that's the funny ball with the black and white marks on it, right? no... wait... it's the oblong sort of pointy one? And who is this Catfish Hunter guy? I guess I can use this as a bookmark.

So I can end up in jail when the Feds find out I have it, or in an institution when everyone I tell thinks I'm crazy? Thanks for nothing!

I have hired Cinderella's Fairy Godmother to do your hair. When she's done, it will be the perfect style for you, the color will never fade, you will never show roots, and it will stay the right length.

Like I've got anywhere LBD worthy to go. I'm sure the cashiers at the grocery store will be duly impressed. ::)

I'm having fresh flowers delivered to you every week for the rest of your life.

So now I get to be responsible for flower death.

Here's a betta fish, and all the supplies you need to care for him.

How cruel can you be? Don't you know I already have a betta, and the two will fight to the death? And even if I keep them separated, they'll be anxious and flared all the time, and it will shorten their lifespans! What a fantastic gift! ::)

Here's a Barnes & Noble gift card...you can spend as much as you want on your next trip there.

It doesn't match any of my decorating schemes. I thought you knew that my living room has a nautical theme, my kitchen has a cow theme, the master suite has a floral theme, the guest suite has a teddy bear theme, and the spare bathroom has an island theme......

I'm having your car detailed, top to bottom. By the time it's done, it'll look better than new, and I'll throw in a full tank of gas, too.

Hurrumph, he didn't buffout all the door dings on my doors. I think you should take it back and demand a better job. Look look at the silver trim, it still has black flecks...no no that isn't the chrome peeling off. That is dirt! And if they can't get the dirt off, tell them they need to rechrome it!

And umm thanks ever so much for gas, uh it was the premium grade right???? And you added the bottle of gas cleaner with it too riiight???

Wow, so nice. You know I have little kids, right? So it's not like I can display this. Thay'll probably knock it off the shelf and break it. And if not, it is so nice that it makes the rest of my belongings look shabby.

I got you a day with your favorite actor or actress. He/she will be on hand to feed you chocolates, read the phone book and neck/shoulder massages. They will also dine with you at your favorite restaurant...and pick up the tab.

That's lovely, but most of the clueless people in my life are a bit thicker, and in need of a clue-by-six, or possibly a clue-by-eight. And because of the white, I can't possibly use it after Labor Day ( ;))

How would you like this gift certificate to Excellent Designer Store that is stocked with all your favorite styles?

Well....since I just finished re-decorating my entire house, not very much! Thanks for nothing!

I just had a pool installed at your house and am also paying for a Cabana Boy, and Pool Boy to clean your pool. It has an 8-foot tall privacy fence and is electrofied so you wont be getting any intrudors.

Well, that's just great.....considering how I get airsick very easily and don't you know that space suits make you look like a hundred pounds heavier than you really are and besides, my aunt's hairdresser's cousin's boyfriend's grandmother's pastor's wife's neighbor knows someone who did that and had a nervous breakdown......

Here, I've commissioned a portrait painter to paint a portrait of you. Just let him know when and where you want to have the portrait done, okay?

So... does this mean I have to sit? for a long time? While this guy paints my portrait? Um... you must have forgotten that due to my ADHD/ADD i do not sit well. So I'd never be allowed to sit for any length of time for this.

can I trade for the Cabana boy?

Here's a top chef, ready to come to your house when you want to fix the meal that you want, when you want, and you don't have to lift anything but your fork.

You hired a strange lady who allowed her last charges to play on rooftops and took them to strange places without their parents permission??? You know that I MUST have complete background checks on anyone who is around my precious darlings for even one minute. They can't even have had so much as a parking ticket!! You just want my darlings to be the next top story on the six o'clock news dont you??

I'm giving you a gas card with free gas for a year and if you don't own a car, I am getting you a bus/train/subway pass for a year. If you walk or ride a bike...welll...I will upgrade your bike to a really nice fancy one and if you walk, I will buy you some nice walking shoes.

(sigh) That's nice, I guess, but what I REALLY wanted was a group of strong, good-looking men to carry me around on a litter. ;D

I'm giving you an ironclad excuse for getting up in the face of someone who really pushes your buttons and telling them exactly what you think of them and why. You'll suffer no negative consequences whatsoever, no matter what you do.

Well, I happen to be a hermit who lives way out in the middle of nowhere and has no friends or relatives to tell off! Who am I supposed to tell off? I don't even have neighbor kids I can yell at for being on my lawn! So thanks for nothing!

I got you a really nice fluffy robe and slippers to wear around the house. They are so comfy,they make you forget your worst day.

I'm giving you an ironclad excuse for getting up in the face of someone who really pushes your buttons and telling them exactly what you think of them and why. You'll suffer no negative consequences whatsoever, no matter what you do.

I seriously want this.

Back on topic...

Forget? You got me a robe and slippers that will give me amnesia? How could you?

Here's a video game that matches your interests perfectly, as well as the system it plays on. If you already have that system, I've worked it so you can either return it to the store for a refund, or sell it on ebay for 10X store price.

I went all out this time. Here's a gift basket with two tickets to the next home game for the Chicago Cubs, a Lou Piniella jersey, an Alfonso Soriano jersey, a dinner-for-two gift certificate to Harry Caray's, and an autographed baseball.

Sports? A sports-themed gift? thanks, but I'm not really into sports much, and I'd have to go out to the stadium for this, and I havea bad crowd phobia that I'd have to face. I'd really much rather stay away from something like that.

here's some lovely bubble bath and the world's biggest fluffiest softest towel to use after your luxurious soak

(Sorry about the spider! I hate the things.. HORRIBLE fear. It is the only thing that will cause me to run screaming from the room.)

Thanks. Just... thanks. Another mouth to feed.

Here's a wonderful tool that will become whatever you need when you need it. Need a hammer? POOF It's a hammer. Need an allen wrench? There ya go. Need a 5/32 socket? you got it. Tire gage? It's there. Whatever you need is right here in this handy little thing.

2 years? Is that all? I have kids, I'll need a chauffeur service for much longer than 2 years!! By the time it runs out I'll be so dependant on it i'll have forgotten how to use public transport, so my poooor chiiiiiildren will have to walk everywhere.

I bought you a the most comfortable shoes ever, in your size, your colour, they match all of your favourite outfits and keep your feet cool in the summer and toastie and dry in the winter.

Shoes? ok.. maybe you forgot that the 'ng' in my email stands for nature girl because I detest shoes so much. Remember, I'm the one that hiked The Grand Canyon barefoot (really!) because I can't handle my feet encased in those little torture devices.

Here's a weekend in Stratford, Ontario, all on me. You get four tickets to two Shakespearean plays of your choice (one in the morning, the other in the afternoon), dinner for two at the Olde English Tavern, one night's lodging at a bed and breakfast of your choice, and two tickets for a tour of the Costume Warehouse the next day.

Gee, thank, those chicks grew up to be 1 hen and 20 roosters. We fell in love with the pigs, so no pork chops or bacon there, and what good was one cow? She was never PG, so there is no calf, hence no milk.

That's ALL? That's not even enough to make a decent omelet! Gee, thanks SOOO much...

I'm giving you the gift of freezing time. Now anytime you want five more minutes to sleep or another day of vacation or a few more hours to work on that project, all you have to do is say the magic words and it'll happen.

That's a really cool gift, thank you so much......but now I have to keep adjusting my clocks to reflect the correct time. Now I'm gonna have to freeze time just to be able to have the time to adjust time.

Well, I am lactose-intolerant and everyone else seems to be on one diet or other...so thanks for nothing!

I am sending you a Transporter, just like on Star-Trek. Now you don't even have to own a car! Just punch in a few numbers and step onto the platform and you Disapperate to your location! When you want to return, your handy remote can get you home. Just press the button and Apperate home!

So are you going to pay for my contract cancelation with Verizon? My new phone bill from AT&T? No? Well, what am I supposed to do with this peice of junk now? Gee...thanks! NOT!

Your kids and I got together and made you a hand-print stepping stone that you can put out in your garden. We also made you cards that say "We lov you mommy!" with lots of glittler and hearts. It's too precious for words.

Gee thanks, are you going to supply the garden? Because I don't have one, we're on the second floor! Just go ahead and rub it in my face that we don't have one of the first floor units with a private yard for the kids and dog to romp in. I'll just lay it out on our tiny balcony and possibly it will fall off cracking the skull of my downstairs neighbor as she enjoys her yard.

Now what am I going to talk about with my co-workers. When everyone trots out all the aches and pains, I won't have anything to contribute to the convo. Then I won't be a "team player." Then I probably won't get a raise. Thanks, anyway.

Here's the latest in computers, it doesn't ever require electricity or batteries, and is wireless. You can take it anywhere.

You couldn't afford to get me a cannon, I mean REALLY what am I supposed to do with these silly grenades, who are they going to hurt and you are also promoting some sort of violence which is in a way some sort of insult to me and my family stating that I am violent and am in need of grenades, for shame.

Um.. thanks? Now everyone I know is suddenly my best friend and always has their hand out for money or they expect me to pay for meals and buy presents for their children. I thought this was a present for me! hmpf.

Here's a day all for yourself.. you don't have to do anything you don't want to do and here's a magic cup that is constantly filled with the beverage of your choice.

Just so you know, it wasn't the watch I was admiring. It was the 2 karot diamond stud earrings. Talk about not knowing people!

I got you the Oprah Special. A personal trainer and a personal chef. If you want to be in shape, the trainer will help you get to wear you want to be. Already in shape? Well...he will help you keep your figure. The chef is Cordon Blue-trained and will make amazing meals to help you loose weight and keep it off. S/he will also do dinner parties, so now you will always have the perfect meal for your guests. Now you will actually get to enjoy your company instead of slaving in the kitchen all night.

More cats? I'm already known as the Crazy Cat Lady. And what, pray tell, am I supposed to do with the cats I already have? Geordi is rather protective about his turf. Velcro is pretty easy going, but I don't want to litter train more kitties! And the vet bills. And the food. I'm going on vacation next month and now I have to make more plans for these cats! aaaaarrrrrrgggggg!!!!

Here's a magic wand to wave at whatever you want to make it be whatever you want.

Oh, thanks. Now that I can have everything I want instantly, I no longer have anything to work for. My life has lost all meaning. I might as well shoot myself. I hope you're happy. You could have just got me one of the $300 toasters on my wish list, you know.

Here's an all expenses paid weekend in Paris with $1000 spending money!

And what exactly am I supposed to do in a weekend? I won't have time to see anything and I'll just end up tired from all the traveling and walking around. You could have sent me for at least a month...if you really liked me.

I, on the other hand, have gotten you this beautiful vase filled with your favourite flowers(natural, of course) and they never die.

Well, I already know how to play the piano, violin, tennis and golf. I don't have time for more hobbies! Plus only one certifcate? I only learn things that I can do with my DH! Now he will feel all left out and lonely! He might even leave me for another woman! Thanks alot, home-wreaker!

I'm paying for your Hogwarts education, since you already have a magic wand. You'll need training in how to use it!

Now I have to go out and buy a litter box, litter, food, play toys , etc since all you gave me was the kitten. If you're going to give a gift that requires extra, the polite thing to do is also give all the extras.

My gift to you is a antique jukebox filled with original oldies records. The 45s of course.

That's great. But you, I'm sort of a traditionalist and I really like film cameras so that I can make up photo albums and scrapbooks. And I already have a pretty good $20 digital camera that I use to take my eBay pics. Maybe I can regift this.

I am giving you your very own magic wand. (ala Harry Potter or Fairy Godmother)

You know I am on a diet and trying not to eat sweets! Are you trying to sabotage my efforts? You are just jealous!

Here is a perfectly trained doggy. This dog is potty trained and trained to not jump on people or to beg from people. I have also included a lifetime supply of Iams dog food, vet visits and shots. I even got you a dog license and a leash! If you work, I have arranged for a dog-sitter to come over and take Moppet out for a walk. This is a special, non-alergen producing dog. He doesn't shed either, so you can really enjoy him. Also the dog is trained to fetch the newspaper, remote and drinks from the fridge. All you have to do is love him!

Oh...geeeeee....thanks! Since I don't own this house, I can't really accept the gift. Thanks for nothing.

I got you the Best Gift Basket Ever! No matter what you are into, this basket will be filled with all the items required? Even if you are an old mean hermet that doesn't like gifts, the Basket will make a sign for your yard that reads "GO AWAY!".

Oh...geeeeee....thanks! Since I don't own this house, I can't really accept the gift. Thanks for nothing.

I got you the Best Gift Basket Ever! No matter what you are into, this basket will be filled with all the items required? Even if you are an old mean hermet that doesn't like gifts, the Basket will make a sign for your yard that reads "GO AWAY!".

I have hired for you a gardener, and in case you have no yard, the gardener will take care of your houseplants. No houseplants? Problem solved, gardener will purchase those for you, and take care of them. Want something you don't see, tell gardener, he will get that one, and take care of it also. Water shortage, no problem, he will take care of that also.

With my work schedule, I don't know when I'd have time for a hobby! Thanks. a. lot!

I got you a day at your local day spa! Be prepared for some first class pampering...you get a 1 hr. massage, a facial, mani/pedi, lunch, and new hairstyle! I even paid for an extra one so you can take your BFF!

You know how much planning it takes for me to get a day off around here? I have to make sure meals are planned & prepped, find sitters for the kids until DH gets home, and of course I won't be able to relax at the spa if I know I left my house a mess so I'll have to do laundry & dishes & Vacuum. Gee. I just can't wait.

I have the perfect gift for you: an ever burning candle in your favorite scent.

Sirius! I only listen to XM and NPR, what on EARTH will I do with Sirius. That is such an insult to me and are you going to pay for the subscription for the time I have this...why don't you keep it?

I bought you lifetime tickets to any concert, show, movie, play ANY event you and your family/friends want to go to. The best seats in the house and you will get to meet the cast after the show plus you will always have a free 5 star meal waiting for you at your favorite restaurant when you get out.

Will there be a a teleporter, No? Well keep your tickets. That 5-star meal quickly growing cold as I try to traverse the after-show crowd, sitting like a sardine in the jam packed parking lot. We may reach the restaurant sometime after midnight.

That's it? A Day planner? That's ALL you got for me? I thought you liked me! I thought I was your friend and all you got me was a lousy day planner! I can't believe all you spent was...$10.00! And it was marked 50% off, too! How cheap!

I am getting you a two week trip around the world. You get to pick the countries and it's 5-star hotels the whole way. First class. I even called your boss and arranged for you to take your two week vacation. I hired a nanny for your kids and a pet-setter for your pets. I even called your spouses/s.o.'s work and arranged for their vacation too! If you are not married or have a s.o., I have arranged for your BFF to go with you, and arranged his/her time off work as well...their childcare and pet care is taken care of too.

I also have a Platinum Visa, Mastercard and Amex cards for you to take with you. None of them have limits! The SKY is the limit on this trip!

Hmmm. I have severe problems with motion sickness and vertigo. And I am terrified of airplanes - haven't flown for years. You are planning on teleporting me around on this trip, right? Right?!?!

No worries, I found this excellent little token coin purse just for you. It is super light weight and will fit in any purse or pocket. However, it can open up to 5' x 5' dimensions and holds up to 100lbs. And it is perfectly compartmentalized for utter organization.

This is the exact same one you got me last year! What did you do, buy in bulk?

I got you a case of your favorite snack food. And don't worry, I have removed all the fat, calories and cholesterol so you can eat as much as you want and not gain weight. In fact, it will help you Lose weight!

Great! So now where are the tickets to visit this country once I master the language, or will I just have to use it for my own personal development or to talk to more people with whom I do not want to talk to. Pony up the tickets!!!!

I bought you this beautiful handbag and an IPod that has all of your favorite songs already on it.

So I'm so boring you want me to go shopping, and listen to my IPOD so you don't have to talk to me? Or do you just want me to get hit while crossing the road while listening to "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"?

What city? My city? What could I possibly do with that? Don't you know that I'm moving in less then two months! And now I'm sure I'll have to sit thru an amazingly boring ceremony while they give me that key.

Scented body lotion!!! Don't you know that I can not handle ANY fragrances whatsoever!!! It is bad enough that I get you to stop wearing deodorant, but for you to give me something that will make me keel over dead at the very smell of it!!!!

Gee, thanks, I'm trying to get RID of clothes, not get more! Besides, I plan on losing 30 pounds in the next six months, so I'll either have to wait to use it or buy clothes that won't fit by Christmas.

I'm giving you your own personal geek, to write papers or pay bills or do taxes or whatever you want.

Since our mail is delivered in the afternoon, just think of all those fruit flies that will be following the mailman. Our neighbors will be so mad at us for causing their homes to be infested. Then I will have to hire an exterminator to fix the problem. Wow - thanks ever so much. Then I will have to wash all that fruit and with the drought, I was trying to conserve water like a good community member.

I am giving to you the best piece of cheesecake that you have ever tasted. So creamy and smooth, you will just love it.

Like I have time to drop everything an travel around the world. Unless I'm only spending 60 seconds in each city I can't possibly do it. And whats the point of being there for 1 minute, I'd probably spend most of the time in airports. So thanks for the gift of two straight weeks of security screening...sounds like a blast.

Well of course I can't keep something like this in my home. I have kids here. The toys from my childhood all had sharp corners, small pieces and were made of flammable materials. Are you trying to endanger the lives of my children?

Wow, if you really knew me at ALL, you would know how evironmentally conscience I am. I don't drive. Heck, I don't even OWN a car! I either walk or take public transpertation, tyvm. But you obiously don't know me. I guess I could donate this to the homeless shelter...they can sell it and use the proceeds to fund the shelter!

Lovely, everything is going digital, and you bought me one that uses tapes. How freaking thoughtful.

I have hired you an architect, and construction crew to remodel one room in your home. Rent?, not a problem, we got the okay from your landlord. They are contracted to finish the job, to pass inspection with in one week of you deciding what room you want done.

Thanks, but I don't believe in computers, everything is either up in the old noggin or written down on pen and paper. PLUS where am I going to put a laptop, on my lap and then I would drop it and break it!! You keep it.

So you think my kitchen is dirty? You know that I'm allergic to all those cleaners, and the migraines they give me. It's eletric, and you know that theu just raised our eletric rates, and look at all the water it uses, wastful and ungreen.

I'm sure everyone is aware that the guy replacing my counters has disappeared with the work half-done. The coffee maker is in the middle of the table, the toaster and microwave are on the floor, what am I supposed to do with this mixer...wear it as a hat?

Well, I don't believe in having my nails done, so THERE! *sticks out tongue* It's a waste of time and money! You could feed a family of five in Ethiopia for a month with that money! You are so selfish!

I bought you a lovely crystal vase with a beuitful arrangement of flowers. After the flowers die, you can use this vase to accent any room.

Thanks, but in 10 months I'm changing my name. I hate to waste stuff so I will feel compelled to use it up before then by writing to everyone I have met in my entire life. Now that I have gotten in touch with them in the few months before the wedding they are all going to think they will be getting an invitation. Now I'll have ticked of everyone I have ever met, because of your stupid stationary!

You know I am trying to loose weight! Are you trying to sabotage my results? I thinks someone is jealous!

I'm getting you a wardrobe that is fully stocked with clothes. You never need to shop again. The wardrobe also changes styles and seasons as well! It changes sizes too, so if you loose weight, your covered!

Now, I will have no excuse for not cooking and getting my DH to take me out for dinner every night. I used the no pretty dishes as my excuse. And since we will not be eating at our local favorite restuarant anymore... the poor waitress won't be getting my tips, and she won't have extra money to spend...just think of the economy that's going to be affected.

Here my gift to you is an early distribution of every dragon egg that is in developement. You will be the first to have them.

Didn't you hear about that group of travelers that ended up at the cliff's edge by following the directions of one of those GPS-thinga-magiggies? Do you want me to get lost? Do you want me to drive off a cliff? What kind of friend are you? You probably want to track all my movements and report me to the government...

Here's a lovely trip for 2 to Jamaica. I won it so don't worry about the expense or paying me back - I would've gone and taken you, but I have plans that week.

Gee thanks, Since I had no idea where to put the thingamajig in my house I just told it I wanted it to be put away and now it is gone. No idea where it went. Now I have to turn my house upsides down trying to find that. Thanks for all that extra work.

Lovely. Just lovely. Now you've got all my colleagues collectively being a (female dog) and complaining that it isn't faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaair that loves2read gets an extra week of paid vacation and they want one too and doesn't the boss know how haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard they work? Now I've got that cr*p to deal with!

Here's that papasan chair and matching footrest that you were looking at. The cushions for each are dark green--it matches your living room decor, yes?

You mean with dirt and toys? I also have no place to put it. And much as I love them, when I sit in them, it hurts my legs. Gee thanks, isn't arthritis pain enough for you?

I went and got one of those tigers for you. You know, the ones where you pay so much and are part owner. The money paid goes for the care of the tiger. It's all in your name. And here is a stuffed tiger that is a replica of the real one.

Thanks, but what about dinner? Do you expect me to enjoy this long musical with no sustenance?!? While everyone else goes to dinner I will be stuck with the same old ham sandwich and water..thanks for the "gift"

A purifier? So you want everything to be pure? You are SUCH a racist! I'm going to report you to HR! Besides, you have to plug those things in and that uses extra electricity! You hate the environment too!

Well, I am one of those Ultra-Hippies who don't believe in bathing or using soap. It's just another trick of The Man to keep us buying stuff we don't need!

I am waving my magic wand over you...you will never have a "woman's time" again. You can still have kids if you want to...but no mess, cramps or PMS. You'll never have to worry about wearing white pants or running out of supplies or starting when you are on a hot date.

Oh, thank you so much, they are beautiful. Where am I supposed to put them. I can't display them, my cats will knock them down and break them. I could give them away as gifts, but I have no place to store them.

I give you the ability to control the weather where you will be at that time. Going to work, and want it to rain all day because you will be stuck inside, no problem. Working outside, and want nice dry weather, not too hot or too cold, perfectly acceptable. Taking vacation, and want weather perfect to what you will be doing during that time, not a problem.

Of course you did. I don't like the color of the ink, and I can't use it at work because it's the wrong color ink.

I got you a classic car. A roadster to be exact. Shiny red, registered and insured, so you won't have to worry about that. It took the gentleman I bought it from almost 15 years to complete it, and he gave me an awesome sale price on it. DOn't you just love it?!?!

Why do people think I want a robe? It's a coat made out of a towel! And I HATE this color! Pepto-Bismol Pink? YUCK! Some friend you are....

I got you a continueing education package from your nearest Big Name University. It will help you get that big promotion at work. I paid all the tuition, books and even got you a parking pass. You can take off time from work to take classes and you won't get dinged or do online courses. I got you a meal card so you can eat lunch for free and a bus/public trans card so you can get to class if you don't have a car or drive.

well, I am one of those Hippies who doesn't believe in using electricity, gas or running water! We live on a commune and everything is just sunshine and roses! So a computer is of no use to me...perhaps I can sell this in exchange for some cow manure! We use it to fertilize our organicly grown garden.

How many times do I have to tell you people that I am a Hippy and avoid commercializm and materilization at all costs. Including movies. All movies do is encourage people to waiste money on things they don't need: Pop, popcorn, candy...

Then you have the products IN the movies! Cars, phones, clothes! Product placement.

THEN you have the merchandizeing. All the action figures and "playsets". What a waist.

I'm getting you a milk cow so you will never run out of milk, butter or cheese again.

Well, all my family lives like 600 miles away and I highly doubt they will all come for Thanksgiving. (they whine about how high the gas prices are and how far away it is...as if it isn't far for us or expensive for us) But thanks....for NOTHING!!

I've bought you an Everlasting Garden. It's planted with all your favority fruits and veggies. It is self-watering and weeding. It repells pests. and best of all, it will never die!

Gee thanks, I live in the dorms and have no where to put it. Besides I am not poor, why would I need a veggie garden? Are you saying I am poor? Don't you know it is rude to speculate about someone's financial state? Hrrrumph!

My favorite thing to eat is loaded with fat, salt, cholesterol, and carbs. I guess if you shorten my life by a few decades you get a better deal on your "gift".

I'm having your home totally soundproofed. You can play your music (or Scrabble >:D) as loud as you want and the neighbors will never know. They can have screaming matches, rev their motorcycles, or party all night long and you'll sleep right through it.

I got you a pet cat that does not shed. It's been spayed/neutered, declawed and had all it's shots. I've also pre-payed for vet visits for the life of your pet and you will recieve a lifetime supply of cat food, both wet and dry. I also spoke with your landlord and paid your pet deposit for you. Not a cat person? well, you can choose your own pet, and the same will apply.

You won't have to worry about transportation ever again. A car and driver will be at your disposal 24/7. In fact, a fleet of cars, all perfectly maintained and ready at a moment's notice - a minivan for picking up the kids, a limo for evenings on the town, a camper for those weekend hiking trips. Gas, parking, insurance, and repairs included. Enjoy!

I'm one of those weird people who can just decide to wake up at say 5:30am and I wake up...so an alarm clock would not be usefull...nor would stopping time. I like getting up early and being up before everyone else. I can't believe you would take that away from me!

I bought you a year's supply of groceries. All your favs and your fav brands.

So, what are you trying to say? That I shouldn't have registered at 5 places OR had the Honeymoon Registry? Had only ONE bridal shower? But it was MY DAY!!! How DARE you suggest that I am RUDE! Your rude for saying I am rude!

Well gee, thanks. I guess. Are you trying to tell me something? And it isn't even the kind I like! I don't use anything unless it's from Bath and Body! Just look in my cabinet, I have several different scents.

Here is a really nice lawn mower. Not only will it automatically mow your lawn at your command, it will also mulch it (if that is what you want), put it in a compost (if that is what you do), rake, mulch or compost your leaves in fall and melt the snow and salt in the winter.

Now, if I just had the extra money to afford to go! And DH would have to get time off work...like that's gonna happen...and my kids have school...so just when am I going to find time to go? Oh..yeah...during summer vacation....and be stuck in airports half the time!

Here is a new Tivo with all your favorite shows already pre-programed.

I hate shoes! I'd walk around barefoot all the time if it weren't for that silly "No shirt, No Shoes, No Service" rule! Thought you knew that! I just buy flip flops.

Here is a security fence that will only let your family and friends into your property. It's invisible, so it won't look unsightly. It also keeps your dog in and other animals out. Keeps small children contained as well.

My house is perfectly clean according to MY standards. Are you implying that it doesn't measure up to YOURS?

I'm giving you a day to spend wherever you want, doing whatever you like, with whoever you'd like to take with you. All expenses are paid, and your job will pay you time and a half even though you'll be gone.

That'll be great for as long as she's there, but HOW am I supposed to remember all that stuff after the lessons are over and she leaves? Then I'll feel like my cooking is inadequate compared to hers for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot!

I got you a real-life "get out of jail free" card. Next time you get in trouble for anything--a speeding ticket, a fight with your SO, whatever--just cash in the card and your worries are over.

What kind of safety features does it have? Can I use it with my children? How fuel-efficient is it? How well does it keep its resale value? Well, I guess I don't have to fly it, right? I can just use it as a regular rug, and no one will know the difference.

Here is a wind turbine so now you will never have to pay for electricity again. I have also arranged for a qualified tech to install it and teach you how to operate it. I have also converted every appliance in your home to electric so that you won't have to upgrade or pay gas bills.

Which will be soooo awesome when the dogs won't stay out of it and the hair will be floating all over and when you get out it will stick to you and Gus the red dog will want to dive and nibble your toes.....yeah, thanks. ::)

But...but...I've had my old knife set ever since I moved into my first apartment! It's got all kinds of sentimental value! Now I either have to get rid of it, or get rid of yours, and either way, I'll feel incredibly guilty!

I'm paying to redecorate your house any way you want. If you rent, your landlords won't mind.

Uh, yeah...other than the fact that I have no free time to enjoy that there's no problem. Really. Remember the 20 times I told you I barely have time to breathe lately? Oh, and I just moved to this area so I don't have a favourite attraction. So, thanks...I guess.

I got you a nice, relaxing day at a local spa. Don't worry, and kids and/or pets you might have are taken care of so you can just relax.

It's always cloudy here, and I have a bad neck anyway so I wouldn't be able to strain my head up to see my star, plus how do I know that it's MY star, you bought this star for me...but what if it is like 10 other peoples star, so in essence you bought me a used star, thanks.

I puchased you a smart house. This house talks to you, cooks for you and can anticipate your every desire, it will also ward off trespassers. (BF is introducing me to a lot of Sci Fi...)

Those have seriously creeped me out ever since I read The Martian Chronicles. So you just essentially bought me my worst nightmare! And think of all the people who are going to be out of jobs now that houses anticipate and provide our every want and need...

I'm already independently wealthy with my own private island in the Pacific Ocean (this is where I am going to hide out the World War III, Armegeddon, New Great Depression that all the news pundants say we are headed for).

Little-known (and absolutely true! really!) fact: if I turn invisible, I'll also be blind. Light has to bounce off of the back of the eye (can't remember which part--the retina, maybe?) in order for us to see--if the retina is invisible, light passes through it instead of reflecting off. So thanks for giving me a useless gift--nobody can see me, but I can't see either!

I've just given you a gift certificate for the supermarket(s) of your choice. Your next week's groceries are on me.

I don't buy groceries. I have my own farm and raise my own organically grown food and meat! I have a dairy cow, chickens for eggs and well...chicken, pork for pork chops and bacon...we even smoke our own bacon. (just call me Martha ;) ). I have my own flour mill for flour and even make my own sugar from maple trees. So your little gift card would be worthless to me (I actually think it would be so cool to be totally self-sufficient like that. I've always admired the pioneers for doing it)

Gee, I don't know what to say...except...You KNOW of my lifelong fear of dogs, right? If you were any kind of friend, you would remember stuff like that! Even though I told you when we first met, 25 years ago, when we were 10 years old. But you should have remembered! You must HATE me! I guess I have to give it away.

Here is an all-expense paid trip to The Mall of America. It's a week-long trip, so you'll have plenty of time to walk around the mall to all the shops. You also get a Visa gift card worth $5,000! And you will have a Manservent to walk around with you to carry your heavy bags. You also have use of a golf cart if you get tired. I have also arranged to have a stylist availible to help you pick out a new look and you have a day-at-the-spa booked for a new 'do and pampering. Your boss has graciously agreed to give you the week off and I have arranged for childcare/parentcare(for elderly parents)/petcare and plantcare. Have fun!

I hate malls, they're always so crowded. Even with the gift card, it'll just be wasted on the overpriced merchandise. The sitter you got won't know the proper way to treat my pwecious angels. And don't you think I have enough taste to give myself a good 'look' without help? What are you trying to say anyway???

I paid for maid service for an entire year for you & bought you a year's worth of all expense paid visits to the spa of your choice.

Wow, you sure are PA! I know my house has that "lived-in" look, but it really isn't THAT bad! Plus I wouldn't be able to trust some stranger in my home alone. And you know I am allergic to all that stuff they use at the spa.

One wish a day?! Haven't you ever read those wise folktales wherein the granting of wishes leads to havoc, mayhem, and general societal dysfunction? How could you be so callous? You just WANT me to destroy myself, don't you??

Here's a nice warm quilt I made you to snuggle up in during the coming winter.

I keep having to remind you that I am a hermit who hates people and never, ever leaves her house! (apologies to real hermits!) How could you be so cruel as to inflict the public on me? You must hate me and as you never remember, you must never listen either. I'll just sell this on Ebay.

Your favorite actor has agreed to come over and read the phone book to you.

The problem with that is, I would like to TALK to my favorite actor, not just hear him read the phone book, what will we do after? He's not married, I'm not married...WHAT do you want me to do, alone in my house with him....sighs...

My job requires a lot of traveling. Right now I'm working about 4 hours from home. So thanks ever so much--I'm sure I'm going to love driving four hours to the courthouse to get my stuff, then four hours back home so I can use my home office. I'll never have time to sleep, but as long as you're happy...

Just one! I want to be a super-super hero with the ability to have multiple powers like Peter Petrelli, without all the messy going nuclear and almost blowing up NYC and having really close and inappropriate conversations with my mom and brother...on second thought, keep your gift.

UGH! so i can watch the shows that have been ruined by those on this forum that post spoilers! no thanks! i don't care if the thread says "SPOILER ALERT!" i should be able read what i want and not have my shows ruined! BAH!

a cleaning professional will come to your home and clean and cook a most delicous meal for your holiday celebrating. even if it's the best sandwhich and soup you have ever eaten.. they will make anything. and clean up after too.

Here is a warehouse full of gifts...pick as few or as many as you want. All from your wish lists.

So I have to go there and wander all over the place to try and FIND my gifts? Thanks for the "effort" you put into it. ::)

I bought you a beautiful home, in the style you like, the age you like, in your favourite neighborhood, paid all the taxes, and have made sure that it's in 100% excellent condition so you don't have to worry about expensive repairs.

You KNOW I don't want to be tied down by anything! You're trying to sabotage my spiritual enlightenment!

I got you the best spot to watch the inauguration from, all day transportation, tickets to the Inaugural Ball, the penthouse suite at the Washington DC Ritz-Carlton, a full spa day beforehand, an appointment with a top stylist and a $15,000 pre-paid credit card for you to buy a dress and pay for any other incidentals. You can keep any money that's left over.

Great, do you have any IDEA how fattening Nutella is (when you eat the whole jar at one time, as I would want to do?) Besides, I don't like Vanilla Wafers. Nutella's much better when you spread it on flour tortillas and roll it up...

Welll, you got it totally wrong, since we JUST re-did the kitchen. I guess I'll just donate them to Goodwill....

Here is a box of recipes handed down for generations. It has recipes from my Grandmother, Aunts and MIL, DH's Great-Grandma. They are all time-honored dishes that everyone clamours for the recipe. Enjoy!

So now EVERYTHING, has to be dry cleaned. I don't have that kind of money. What were you thinking?! The only thing I would like less would be a gift of a painted portrait of my family that copied a picture I already had. Talk about unimaginative.

And what am I supposed to do with it? I live in halls! I can't play it here. So...yeah, thanks. Just another thing to gather dust in my tiny room.

Someone is going to bring you and your family dinner every day for a week. You get to pick what you want to eat and at the end of the night you just hand them back the dishes and they take care of them for you.

::) Fabulous. I don't have kids. So my psycho moggy will be babysat by a cooing, doting individual. Given the typical feline degree of loyalty, he'll abandon me in 0.00027 seconds and go running off at the click of a tin-opener with his fabulous new friend, to leave me bereft and him alive and well and living in Droitwich.

(ahem) I mean...How awful! And did you also hire me some big, beefy security guards to keep the screaming crowds of female fans at bay? Thought not. Now I'll never have any time to actually ENJOY this gift.

I got you your own private island and a teleporter so you can beam yourself there any time you need to get away.

Hello--remember I live in TEXAS? What do I need with a heated toilet seat? I'll burn my buns off! And what's up with the "deodorizing" thing? Are you trying to say I stink?

I got you your own private swimming pool. It's as deep or as shallow as you want it to be, and you can share it with as many or as few people as you like--either pool parties galore or your own personal place to relax. It's completely up to you.

Great. I rent, so the landlord is not going to be too happy when he finds out I've had a pool built in my back yard. Plus, my yard is tiny! Where would I put it? It would take up the entire yard, and I LOVE my yard! Then I'd have the pesky neighbor kids over all. the. time....And what if I move? I certainly can't take a pool with me! Thanks for the thought though...I guess.

Here is the Wii you've been wanting, plus every game ever made and every controller ever made.

What kind of idiot would put cheese in cake? I mean here, you have cheese. Lovely yummy cheese. You could put it on pasta, or on a pizza, or on anything you can think of. Cheese is like an all-purpose food. And then there's cake. Cake is fancy. Cake is the debutante of the food world. Cake is for special occasions. And you just put your prosaic, mundane, all-too-common cheese in my wonderfully hoity-toity cake!

I got you a million dollars/the equivalent in your country. Tax free, because we zombies can do that. (Try messing that one up!)

Great! What's the fun in that? Get everything I want and then I have nothing left to wish for!

I hired a person to do the cleanup after all your holiday meals. He will make everything sparkling clean and not complain. He will put everything away where it belongs and will ask you to check his work after he is done.

Oh, great, you cleaned my house? That mess was a work of ART! In fact, I had someone to come in to photograph it. Now the whole thing is ruined! I stood to make millions! And now...*sigh* Home and Garden looms, sister.

Speaking of, I brought in a team to redecorate and remodel your house exactly as you always wanted. For free.

Okay, so I've got a boatload of useless gifts because I just found out that the gift preferences of everyone on my list has changed and besides, I just altered my online wish lists. I thought you got the message.....

Remember that couture Givenchy ballgown you saw in Paris but told me you couldn't afford? Here it is, in your size and a lovely shade of crimson.

So, you are saying I'm cheap because I buy all my gifts at the Dollar General discount bin? Hey, I searched all through that bin for a mini-photo album just for you! It was only .25cents! You are just ungreatful!

SPEAKING of insensitive--don't you know I'm trying to cut down on holiday treats this year? Thanks for shoving a great big plate of temptation right in my face!

(Someone actually did this to me IRL last year. I told them I was going to be "extra good" and stay away from non-healthy treats during the holiday season. So what did I get from this person for my November birthday? Godiva chocolate! And what for Christmas? Gourmet cookies!) ::)

Wonderful, more teas that I don't drink. I suppose I could re-gift it.

Here is 3 years of a maid service to come clean your house as often as you like (including that all important massive cleaning session that always happens a few days before a big event in your house).They will clean your house EXACTLY how you like it to be cleaned and will even do your windows and carpets regularly for you!

Gee, thanks, I'm sure I'll get a lot of use out of these here in Texas where it snows about half an inch every four years. You can wear SNEAKERS out in the stuff and not get your feet wet, for crying out loud.

That cannot end good. I'm deathly afraid of kiwi, the site of kiwi causes me to go insane and hide in a closet. I just KNOW that one month there will be kiwi, I will fear it every time I open the door to see the dreaded fruit. Please cancel the order at once, or I will just hide in the closet now.

Great! I'm scared of birds and allergic to pears! So what am I supposed to do with this again?

I got you some nice snuggly flannel sheets for your bed, a new down or alternative down comfitor, some nice fuzzy slippersocks and warm flannel jammies. Now you are all set for a nice warm night in bed!

So...you think I don't know how to clean? Or cook? Or that it's so terrible you'd rather a robot did it? Gee...thanks...*runs off crying*

I got you a Magic Stove that cooks things instantly! All you have to do is prepare your favorite dishes, put it in the oven and Voila...dinner is done! The MagiStove...coming to a retail outlet near you! (oops channeled a tv commercial)

And it is also pink. And girly. [shudder] It might well look "great", but that does not change the fact that it is pinker than a highly embrarrassed piglet who has rolled in a pile of strawberry ice-cream.

And I am not a pink-appreciating person. :P

I got you a fluffy little toy penguin, with big eyes and an unbelievably appealing expression. Ahhh.

Yes, but this wine is sweet and from Idaho, I don't like sweet wine :( (in all honesty, that would be a nice gift AND I guess Idaho has good wine, so the wine person told me today while I was Christmas shopping for wine)

Here is a year supply of makeup and skin care specifically designed for your skin and for all seasons. This is all you will need to stay healthy and glowing ALL year round!

My apartment is far too small to host Martha Stewart. Also I would have to buy everything and clean up. Plus I would be SO stressed having her in there and then every year people would expect me to have Martha Stewart cook for every occasion. I'm hyperventilating!!!!

A mug with my name on it? First you outpost me, then you get me something like THAT? This will only be good if I get amnesia, which is not real, it only exists on soap operas.

I have won you a seat at the charity lunch with Zach and Sendhil (see my avatar picture) it is for a good cause, worth $2,500 AND you get to have lunch with those 2 wonderful men!!!! For charity!

FIrst of all...I don't even know who those people ARE! If you're going to get me lunch with a celeb, shouldn't it be with whomever I want? Second of all...Who pays $2,500 for LUNCH? And what are we having? What if I don't like it?

I have pre-paid for your auto insurance and have included all the extras (towing, rental car).

What! I cannot play with your grandchildren all day. I have fur babies and my own little baby to take care of PLUS work, a hair appointment AND I wanted to try a new recipe for vegan cookies. I don't see how you making me babysit is a gift at all :(

(So Mrs. O you DON'T want my gift,I will go then >:D hehe)

I have given you one uninterrupted week to do whatever you want to do!

Only a week? How on earth am I supposed to get everything I want to do done in only a week? And are you paying for any of this stuff I'm doing or am I expected to go broke, since I apparently won't be earning any money?

I got you an album filled with pictures of the happiest times of your life.

But are you going to KEEP paying my bills? Or did you just do it for this one month? THe gas, electric, phone, car, rent is due EVERY month! So It's not a real gift if your not going to keep doing it every month.

But are you paying for it? No, I didn't think you were. Besides, I already do this so this is hardly a gift to me.

I'm giving you an indoor, in-ground swimming pool and jacquzzi. I've also arranged for a mega-hot pool boy to come over once a week to clean your pool and jacquzzi. Included are all the pool furniture, toys and chemicals. If you rent, your landlord is happy to allow you to build it. There is also a shock fence built into the enclosure so that no nosy, annoying neighbors try to come over.

I have one already, that is why they are my favorite, because I have met them and got an autographed photo. The one you gave me is generic, the one I have says "Funnygal, this is your last warning, stay away from Kelly Clarkson PLEASE" :o ;D

Here is a crystal vase for your new dining room, it will be a beautiful centerpiece for years to come.

I have one already, that is why they are my favorite, because I have met them and got an autographed photo. The one you gave me is generic, the one I have says "Funnygal, this is your last warning, stay away from Kelly Clarkson PLEASE" :o ;D

Here is a crystal vase for your new dining room, it will be a beautiful centerpiece for years to come.

Which, of course, will be abruptly knocked over and destroyed by my cats. You KNOW how they are, why would you purchase something so breakable?

I've backed up all your data, upgraded your system, and will continue to keep your computer running smoothly and up to date, for the rest of your life. No more worrying about obsolescence, viruses, or anything!!

I've backed up all your data, upgraded your system, and will continue to keep your computer running smoothly and up to date, for the rest of your life. No more worrying about obsolescence, viruses, or anything!!

umm. i like new things.

Here, I bought you this super new, super shiney whirley-gig. it does whatever you want it to.. anything.

if it's super shiny that means when light hits it it will make those annoying light spots on the wall that will drive my dogs to insanity. Thanks a lot. Then I'll have to spend an hour convincing them to stop chasing the light spots...

if it's super shiny that means when light hits it it will make those annoying light spots on the wall that will drive my dogs to insanity. Thanks a lot. Then I'll have to spend an hour convincing them to stop chasing the light spots...

I just gave you a year's worth of maid service!

Gee, thanks a lot! I have a stranger coming over who doesn't even fold clothes the way I like them, so I'll have to re-do everything after she leaves. Thanks for making me do the extra work!

But are you going to get me out of work? Or DH? or find a sitter for my kids? Did you do a background check on them? I don't want some perv looking after my babies! What about spending money? did you include spending money? I can't go to Hawaii and not have suveniers! I'd look cheap! I can't believe you didn't think about all of that...you are just selfish!

These are flats and too small for me! I don't need flats I am 5 feet tall AND they are a size 5, I'm a 7. Now they will just collect dust :(

Here is the rest of this season of your favorite show on DVD with extra already. You will know before anyone else what happens and won't have to wait and see how the heck they are going to resurrect you know who after the fire and who will end up being the bad guy.

What are you trying to say? Do I look like I'm not getting enough sleep? Do I have circles under my eyes or something? Or are you trying to say that I get too MUCH sleep, and I'm lazy? I can't believe how insensitive you are!

I got you a top-of-the-line digital camera that's easy to use and impossible to break.

That is an incredibly pointless gift. I have already put my gifts away AND I don't have any leftovers, I mean come on Christmas was a week ago! Do you think I would have week old leftover, yuck it would be all rancid by now.

I have bought you the gift that keeps on giving, you decide what it is!

I got you tickets to see your favorite band playing live, and backstage passes to meet them after the show!

(SIGGGHHH) so my favorite band?? it's NKOTB but like 20 years ago!! now they are old! have you seen Donnie.. he's not as cute as he was.. plus i am married. so i can't marry him... your gift is just a tease!

Here, i bought you a super blow dryer so you can melt the snow! or dry your hair.. it's gentle too.

I just bought a new TV. And now I feel like I've wasted money n my Sky movies subscription, now I have all the movies on DVD anyway!

I bought you a new pet. You're not allergic to it, you don't need to feed or water it, or clean up after it, and it's soooo cute! It's also really warm and snuggly, and will keep you complany whenever you feel like it! If you don't feel like it, it doesn't mind being on it's own. It also gets on really well with your other pet(s).

You really should have checked with me first...I'll have to pay a pet deposit or take the thing to the pound! What about my chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllldddddddddddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnn???? They'll HATE me!

I got you an iPhone with all the apps pre-downloaded and prepaid for 3 years. If they come out with a better one, just take it to the nearest AT&T and they'll upgrade it for free.

But I NEED my junk mail! I use it to write to all the celebs that I'm stalking fans of! (you know..cutting out the letters in Serial Killer-style) Johnny Depp will be SAD if he doesn't hear from me! He NEEEEEEEDS ME!

Here is a Wii, extra remotes for all your friends and family members, every attachment and game.

Yeah, but you didn't get me time off work and money? So how and when am I supposed to enjoy this "gift"? It's probably one of those timeshare hoaxs and I'll never get to use it. ::)

Here is the ultimate cell phone. It gets bars ANYWHERE, has unlimited talk-time, texting and a full QWERTY keyboard (i really want one like that). It also has an MP3 player and I've downloaded some of your favorite songs. I've pre-paid for the whole contract and if you don't like the style of the phone you can go trade it in for one you DO like!

How could you be so insensitive? My beloved doggie-poo passed on to the other side only 25 years ago, and I couldn't possibly think of buying a puppy to replace him so soon! It would be dishonoring the memory of Mr. Snuggles!

I'm going to personally design and make a necklace, bracelet and earrings out of sterling silver and Swarovski crystal to match your favorite outfit.

But Alaska is so cold! And I hate boats, they make me queasy. Couldn't you have gotten me a nice trip to someplace warm?

I got you a set of brand new kitchen appliances. If you rent, your landlord will install them for you, and let you take them with you if you move. If you own your home, super-hot technicians will install them for you.

I got you a year's supply of gas/petrol for your vehicle. If you don't have a vehicle, and ride the Mass-Transit system, I have pre-paid your pass for the year. If you don't ride the MT and walk, I got you some super-cool new walking shoes that are so comfy and leave you feeling energized. If you ride a bike, I got you a new 10-speed. And...if you walk and don't want to walk anymore, I have hired several hunky men to carry you on a litter.

I have to CALL you before I come? And tell you all my allergies? A TRUE friend would already KNOW what all my allergies and dislikes were, and would have all my favorite foods stocked in the freezer at all times!

Yeah, and I will be really warm when my granddaughters knock it over and start a fire. Thanks.

Here is a vacation home where every you want it to be. All furnished with everything you need and it will be completely stocked with all your favorite foods as soon as you are ready to go on vacation. And an added bonus, it has a shield that will not allow anyone you don't want there to find it.

WHAT! And throw out my perfectly good Apple II from 1981? I've had that since grade school (anyone remember playing Oregon Trail?)! There's no WAY I'll be using what you got me....plus this gift card is from Circuit City and they went out of business!

WHAT! And throw out my perfectly good Apple II from 1981? I've had that since grade school (anyone remember playing Oregon Trail?)! There's no WAY I'll be using what you got me....plus this gift card is from Circuit City and they went out of business!

I got you a china cabnet with some real bone china to put in it.

ginlyn

But that stuff is so FLIMSY! It will like, break, like, straight away! I can't use that!

And just WHAT am I supposed to do with that? There isn't even one of those anywhere near me! I'll have to spend a fortune in gas to take advantage of my "free gift."

I got you a program that protects your computer from every virus that has ever been invented or will ever be invented.

And are you also going to INSTALL this wonderful software? Huh? My computer skills are terrible, I'll probably destroy my hard drive trying to get it installed and then I'll have to buy a whole new computer!

I'm sorry, but there is NO way I can accept this "gift". You know I don't have the same philosophies as the new administration and to go to a dinner there would just reject all of my beliefs. I guess I could auction it off on Ebay.

Well, there goes my car insurance rates. Not to mention that if I even look like I'm thinking of going 1 mile over the speed limit, the police will probably ticket me. Plus we park on the street. How am I supposed to keep it safe?

I MAKE jewelry. In fact, I make ALL my own jewelry so I can wear it as an advertisement. How could you be so insensitive as to buy me jewelry? Are you trying to tell me that the stuff I make isn't good enough?

So you're saying you couldn't be bothered to go to a store and buy me a real gift, right? When will you ever learn that homemade stuff means you're poor! Next you're going to start growing vegetables in your garden, in the DIRT! and try to make me eat them.

I got you a session with the best photographer in your city. He or she will take any pictures you want and then print them up and frame them or put them in an album for you.

Terrific. Even if it's paid for, I'll have to go to all the inconvenience of arranging it, getting shots, getting a passport, taking the time off work, finding someone to go with me...what good is a gift if it's going to take so much work? I'll NEED a vacation to recover from it!

I'm paying a professional to cook as many meals for you as you'd like for the next year.

What am I, 8 years old? You couldn't think of a more appropriate gift for a 35 year old lady? You do have a reciept right? Or maybe I can re-gift this....

I am getting you a EHell Recurring Character's Veiwing Camera. Now you can spy on all your fav characters and see what they are up to with out waiting for updates. Works on any character, includding DQ.

Joy, thanks. I can now buy an earring back from *expensive jewlrey store*

Here, I give you the gift of everytime you need money you find exactly what you need in your pocket/purse/wallet/body part you keep money in. And if you barter, you will always have what you need to barter with. And you will always have what you want to donate/do freecycle with.

You bought me BOOKS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Whiskey Foxtrot Tango! You know I don't read! How could you be so insensitive!

I got you the perfect job, with co-workers who WORK and don't IRK, a boss that knows how to Manage, not MicroManage, and the perfect amount of vacation/sick leave. No one gives you any cr*p about taking time off, no matter what the reason. People remember everyone's birthdays...and best of all...no one STOMPS to get attention!

But, I'm planning on being a stay at home mom! Now I'll feel guilty leaving "the perfect job" to take care of my babies!

I got you a vineyard, and hunky farmhands to work it.

You know I don't drink!!! I will take the farmhands, though. ;)

I got you a magic genie in a bottle that'll grant you as many wishes as you want. Oh, and he's not like the overbearing show-off of a genie from Aladdin, he just grants wishes without any attitude or any of that song and dance that Disney shows you.

Umm......I'm giving you a portal to another dimension, where it's always the weekend, always nice out, and you never run out of money from not working because it's always the weekend--just think of it as the antithesis to Narnia, without that nasty White Witch hanging around. Better yet, this portal fits nicely into the back of your closet, so you don't have to deal with an unsightly hole in your wall.

Umm......I'm giving you a portal to another dimension, where it's always the weekend, always nice out, and you never run out of money from not working because it's always the weekend--just think of it as the antithesis to Narnia, without that nasty White Witch hanging around. Better yet, this portal fits nicely into the back of your closet, so you don't have to deal with an unsightly hole in your wall.

But does it have talking animals? No? Well it's NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I'm giving you the ability to speak to animals, just like Dr. Doolittle.

Seriously, that is something I would adore to have! But in the spirit of this game- now I am being kept awake at all hours listening to the squirrels gossip about who got caught at the wrong place at the wrong time!

But it's not a GOLD unicorn! I wanted a GOLD unicorn! I told you that! Now I have to return it....

I got you some Ruby Slippers.

ginlyn

Gee, thanks, now poor DottyG is running around barefoot. ;)

I just got you an Easy Button, like in the Staples commercials. Just push that button, and everyone's life is perfectly easy--no war, hunger, disease, or Paris Hilton.......AAAAANNNNNNNND, the economical crisis is OVER!!!!

Barrel of Monkeys?!?!?! What a fun game!!! Oh, wait.....these are REAL monkeys, and they're destroying my house!!! Stop that!!! Shoo!!! And now they're eating all the magic ice cream I stole from Black Delphinium!!!

I got you a lifetime supply of vacations- any where, any one, any time, you name it, you got it.

*note-I'm not crazy, I'm sleep deprived.

And I suppose that includes airfare?!?!?! And all expenses paid?!?! And a scuba suit for my golden retriever?!?!?! It doesn't?!?! Hmmph.....I guess I'll just have to STAY HOME, then. Some gift. >:(

I got you your own personal library with wall-to-wall shelves of all your favourite books. You can reach the books on the top shelves with the rolling ladders, or better yet, just take the spiral staircase.

But I won't be able to change anything! Why would I torture myself by going back and spending time with my BFF if I couldn't save him from his untimely death!!!!

I got you front seat tickets for the circus.

AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!! Animal cruelty!!!! (Seriously, though, that's why I refuse to go to any circus that's not of the Soleil variety).

I got you a magical pill that will give you super powers. Now you can fly, teleport, be invisible, walk through walls, transform into anything you want, read minds, see the future, and flawlessly apply mascara in a moving car.

Oh, great, so YOU get to feel all good about yourself, but what's in it for MEEEEE?

I got you an accountant to do your taxes for free for the rest of your life. He or she will always make sure that you get the maximum amount of deductions and refunds so you never have to pay in and always get money back.

Here, have a magic spell that will allow you to do whatever you want and never get hurt.

Yeah, I've heard THAT one before. You're trying to get me to "fly" off the roof and embarrass myself, aren't you?

Here's a magical glass elevator like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh, what the hey, I'll throw in a magical chocolate factory while I'm at it. If you don't like chocolate, don't worry, it makes a lot of other kinds of candy too. :)

What is it about you people trying to RUIN my diet? Those 12 pounds were hard enough to get off without the constant influx of processed sugars!

Here, have the gift of always having what you need in case of an emergency. Supplies, company, money, shelter, whatever you need in the event of anything bad or good happening for the rest of your life and the lives of your decendants.

Gee, with all those books I buy, I would be putting the library and thus myself out of business.

I give you a vacation home in your favorite foreign country...

Now I'll never want to go back to reality!!! You're forcing me to become a completely non-productive citizen!!!

I got you tickets to the cultural event of your choice, scheduled for whatever day and time is convenient for you, and it includes transportation there and back as well, for you and as many friends as you want.

Well, I guess I'll be waiting a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time because we rent and I don't know when we'll be able to afford to buy a house in this economy. So really, you've given me nothing.

I got you a new DVD camera so you can film all your families vacations and have memories to last a lifetime.

Well, I guess I'll be waiting a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG time because we rent and I don't know when we'll be able to afford to buy a house in this economy. So really, you've given me nothing.

I got you a new DVD camera so you can film all your families vacations and have memories to last a lifetime.

ginlyn

Riiiight........like I'd want to film my family bickering around the Christmas tree after it falls over for the umpteenth time. ::)

I'm going to give you a choice--you can either have an all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere you want, or a scholarship to the university of your choice, for the major of your choice, and if you already happen to have a Doctorate in that area, they've agreed to make up a new category for you--Deification.

That's for SMART people!!!! Who do you think I am?!?!?! Besides, all those animals are NAAAAAKED, and it'll hurt my virgin eyes!!!!

I got you a clone of yourself, who conveniently has no personality, so you can have the clone go to work in your place, and do all your chores as well. Oh, and you still get paid for what your clone does.

Oh perfect, the media just called and let the world know. Too bad I don't have any wisdom to go with all that knowledge.

Since I'm so knowledgeable, I just realized all the problems in your life stem from that leaky faucet that disturbs your sleep. So I removed the faucet and had the water shut off. Now you can sleep like a baby at night!

Doggone it, I could really use this. How DARE you give me a gift I can't hate? Now I feel like my snarking powers are inadequate!

I'm giving you some handmade jewelry, designed to match all of your favorite outfits.

MATCH my favourite outfits?!?!?! Don't you realize that matching was SOOOOO last year?!?!?! Now it's all about those butt-ugly hoodies with the obnoxiously loud patterns, usually worn with skinny jeans that are practically spray-painted on. Anything that MATCHES with those things just makes them less obnoxious, thereby ruining the effect altogether.

Don't you know that you're only supposed to drink hot cocoa when it's 32degrees Farenhieght or less outside and preferrably snowing! You can't drink it in the SPRING! THe world will explode! You also can only eat turkey on Thanksgiving, cornbeef on St. Paddy's Day and lamb for Easter!

But you KNOOOOOOWWWWW that Bath & Body Works gives me asthma episodes... And to think you were my friend.

(they used to, back when I insisted on smelling everything. Now I keep to the center of the store and go in knowing what I want to get.)

Hey, I got you a pony! It is the sweetest pony on earth, strong enough to carry anyone, gentle enough to let kittens play in its stall. And here is the lifetime paid for stall in a comfy barn, lifetime supply of food, treats, and blankets. And pulling up the rear is the lifetime paid for vet and stable grooms. (did I get everything?)

Hey, I got you a pony! It is the sweetest pony on earth, strong enough to carry anyone, gentle enough to let kittens play in its stall. And here is the lifetime paid for stall in a comfy barn, lifetime supply of food, treats, and blankets. And pulling up the rear is the lifetime paid for vet and stable grooms. (did I get everything?)

No you didn't!You forgot that I'm a city girl and that I'm afraid of large animals!And how do you go about regifting or selling that? more work for me!

First off, its HOGWARTS. And second off, they are building one in Orlando. Thanks I guess.

Here, have the perfect pet that you have always wanted. It is a special pet that comes with all of its food and vet bills paid for. And it's hypoallerginic so no member of your family will be allergic to it ever.

Here, I got you the perfect job. It has the salary you always wanted with raises whenever you want, all of your co-workers are perfectly lovley people to work with, your boss stands up for you and gives you work when you still have time to do it. You work whatever hours you want and never have to work when you don't want to. And, it is the job you have always wanted to do. And you never have to deal with "special" customers, but your job is interesting enough to where you never get bored. (did I get everything this time?)

Thanks a bunch. Now I have to go visit my in-laws, who live less than an hour away. (My in-laws are actually lovely people that I don't mind visiting.)

Here's an Astroscan telescope. I picked this one for you because it's very easy to use even if you don't know much about telescopes, and you'll get to see a lot with it.http://www.firstscience.com/home/index.php?option=com_shop&task=item&Itemid=36&pid=1295923224

Great, now I've got family comming out of the woodwork that I never even heard of. Thanks for the sleepless nights.

Here, have your very own car! It comes with everything you need and want for it. It is solar powered and when it's cloudy out it can still pull energy from your own body heat. It is the totally green car!

Oh great....I just got my house de-cluttered and now you are dumping more junk on me? Now I'll have to add on recycling pickup to our trash bill! Now you are costing me money on top of it! I guess I could always donate it to a nursing home.

Here is an all-expenses paid vacation to anywhere you want in the UNIVERSE!

Oh great....I just got my house de-cluttered and now you are dumping more junk on me? Now I'll have to add on recycling pickup to our trash bill! Now you are costing me money on top of it! I guess I could always donate it to a nursing home.

Here is an all-expenses paid vacation to anywhere you want in the UNIVERSE!

ginlyn

How....nice...

Actually I saw the new Star Trek movie and I've decided that alternate universe living is where it's at!

Ewwie! I won't touch just any old water! I only let pure water from the Glaciers of Aruba touch me or my food.

I've arranged a weekend trip for you to Edinburgh, Scotland. You get to stay at a nice hostel, go to the castle and get a personal walking tour around town for the haunted atmosphere. And have fun! They are super nice!

Oh, joy, so when I pick it up the first time it's going to be a biography of Anne Frank, the next time it's going to be a culinary mystery, and a third time it's going to be something completely different! I won't be able to keep everything straight!

Here's a road trip, you choose how long and where you're going to go. Have fun!

Oh, joy, so when I pick it up the first time it's going to be a biography of Anne Frank, the next time it's going to be a culinary mystery, and a third time it's going to be something completely different! I won't be able to keep everything straight!

Here's a road trip, you choose how long and where you're going to go. Have fun!

And what about GAS prices, food, and vacation time I'll have to take. Not to mention that everyone in my family wants to come, too.

Here ya go, a lifetime supply of dental floss, toilet paper and toothpaste. You'll never have to buy it again!

But robots are my #1 fear! I saw Dr. Who. And I saw the Cybermen! I shall not be fooled! *runs and hides to stay human*

Here, have a magic house. It's totally paid for, generates its own water and electricity and sells the surplus to the city, makes exactly what each person of the house wants to eat for dinner, and is all around perfect. Have fun.

But robots are my #1 fear! I saw Dr. Who. And I saw the Cybermen! I shall not be fooled! *runs and hides to stay human*

Here, have a magic house. It's totally paid for, generates its own water and electricity and sells the surplus to the city, makes exactly what each person of the house wants to eat for dinner, and is all around perfect. Have fun.

But it's WOOD, I wanted a BRICK house! And the decor is SO horrible! Who paints the Dining Room Purple?! (actually, I LOVE that, being a small room, it's not too over powering, but DH hates it)

Here's a fully stocked pantry, fridge and chef, never to run out of food and the chef works for free.

Thanks, maybe it'll still be good when I get off of my 3 year diet.(TBH, NOM!!!!!!!)

Here, have a BRAND NEW CAR!!!! It's the car of your choice, fully functional, a lifetime warranty with no loopholes, it comes with a special card to get gas for $.50/gallon for life, lifetime maintence. (did I get everything this time?)

That better be soy, certified organic and vegan peperoni or You my friend are just a cow sucking pervert who wants me to pass out and convulse. You know my fear of spicy animal products and carbs.

Here is a blank check! Unlimited tax free funds for you! :)

How do I know you won't change your mind and cancel this check? Tax free funds, indeed! You're just waiting to report me to the IRS. You're terribly mean to dangle this kind of gift in front of people. This is the thanks get I for the two tickets to that concert you've been dying to see, and to offer my babysitting services?!

Babysitter? BABYsitter? My baby is 20 years old and doesn't need a babysitter any more, so really, those services are not needed. Sheesh. And a concert? All the good concerts are in the middle of the week, and a 35 mile drive away from me. I'd end up missing work the next day bcause I would get home so late. And I can't see at night to drive.

I got this just for you. A lovely necklace of perfectly matched pearls.

I talked to your boss. I paid for a years worth of vacation days. You can take them all at once, one day at a time or as many days as you want at a time. There is also no limit on how long they will last. If you haven't used them up when you retire or quit or have to be fired/layed off/terminated you can cash them in.

A SNOW Globe, are you trying to kill me or say something about my psychosis.... snow globes are dangerous and are a sign of a sick, sick mind!!! (cookies if you get my reference) Also I hate winter, so your gift just upsets me in so many ways.

Basically my gift to you is, anything you want. You name it, and I will get it for you no matter what! :)

Great- so you've either got me the 4G which electrocutes people and can't be held in certain ways or else it'll stop functioning as a phone, or you've got me the 3G which is totally obsolete anyway. Real thoughtful, I don't think!

Oh, how nice. I assume you must have forgotten that I only use NATURAL products, huh? I mean, why else would you give me these bottles filled with dangerous chemicals? Do you want me get hurt, is that it? Do you really hate me that much? I'm calling the cops on you for attempted murder!!!

Just try and tear me apart by my priorities, why don't you? Now I'll spend the rest of my life staring at that book, wanting to read it, but not being able to because then it wouldn't be mint-condition anymore.

You see this left front tooth right here? This one? It's DEAD. I chipped it. On a coffee mug. It killed the root & I had to have a root canal. And now I'm gonna end up doing it again to the other front tooth and it will be all. your. fault.

Oh, in need of a spa, now, am I? Not good enough for you until I'm plucked/mudpacked/moisturised to within an inch of my life into some artificial Barbie-clone-esque standard of femininity, hmm? Well, you can just kiss my furry caterpillar eyebrows, ma'am.

Have a huge tin contining a vast amount of coloured pencils, so subtle and beautiful in their array of hues that they would make Michelangelo weep to behold them.

Yeah, and the kids at work will spill them all over the library, and the grouchy complainers will complain about this, as usual.

I give you a Sailor Moon DVD...

Now that dang Sailor Moon song is stuck in my head!!! Gee, thanks a lot!!!

I'm giving you......your very own Room of Requirement, like in Harry Potter. Now you have a beach, ski resort, amusement park, secret garden, or whatever you want, right in your own house. Of course, if you just want an extra bedroom or bathroom, or some more closet space, it can turn itself into that, too. ;)

Yeah, and the kids at work will spill them all over the library, and the grouchy complainers will complain about this, as usual.

I give you a Sailor Moon DVD...

Now that dang Sailor Moon song is stuck in my head!!! Gee, thanks a lot!!!

I'm giving you......your very own Room of Requirement, like in Harry Potter. Now you have a beach, ski resort, amusement park, secret garden, or whatever you want, right in your own house. Of course, if you just want an extra bedroom or bathroom, or some more closet space, it can turn itself into that, too. ;)

So you think I am too needy? I always have new requirements? I am very happy with what I have right now Thankyouverymuch.

I got you this magical time-turner though, so you can finally be in 2 places at once.

I can't believe you forgot that we both work weekends! What on earth are we supposed to do with this break now?

I bought you an all-expenses paid trip to go on an eco-safari in Kenya, for you any and all family members you wish to take as well. All necessary shots and medicines that you wish for thrown in as well. And don't worry, I've already confirmed with your work that you and anyone you take can have the time off paid ;)

I can't believe you forgot that we both work weekends! What on earth are we supposed to do with this break now?

I bought you an all-expenses paid trip to go on an eco-safari in Kenya, for you any and all family members you wish to take as well. All necessary shots and medicines that you wish for thrown in as well. And don't worry, I've already confirmed with your work that you and anyone you take can have the time off paid ;)

You called and took time off for me? Do you know how that makes me look to my boss? Like I can't handle things myself. Thanks for costing me that promotion jerk.

I got you a new roller coaster designed to fit perfectly in your backyard. Even got all the permits taken care of and everything.

An iPad. Really, could you fall any further into the consumerist phase, where every overpriced, bug-ridden, untested piece of technology is given some ridiculous 'I' name and treated like a work of absolute genius? What a waste of money, when already I have a better digital, web-interfacing notebook with greater warranty, memory and battery life. One that isn't from Macintosh at that - you know how I feel about the Windows/Mac debate. I can't install Linux and Emacs on an iPad!And its white too. Do you know how hard it will be to keep that clean?

Here, I got you a DVD of your favorite movie with the case signed by your favorite actor in the movie - and I already made sure that it plays perfectly on all DVD players and computers regardless of what brand or location-type.

Only 10 days, how in the world is that enough time to spend in a European country. Thanks so much, considering how long I will be in the air...

I will fund your new vacation cottage or home if you chose. Keep it small so you don't have to share or build it up to 5 bedrooms. It will come completely furnished and you can have it built where ever you would like at no expense to you. I will supply an acre of land and pay the property taxes on it for 10 years.

Only 10 days, how in the world is that enough time to spend in a European country. Thanks so much, considering how long I will be in the air...

I will fund your new vacation cottage or home if you chose. Keep it small so you don't have to share or build it up to 5 bedrooms. It will come completely furnished and you can have it built where ever you would like at no expense to you. I will supply an acre of land and pay the property taxes on it for 10 years.

Only ten years? I'm 26 now, so you KNOW I'm going to live longer than ten more years........and it just so happens that all of my skills and talents are completely non-lucrative. So, thanks for buying me a money pit!!!

Here, I had to pull a few strings, but I managed to buy you happiness. ;)

Omigosh, that thing's gonna harbor dust mites like you wouldn't believe! My sinuses are starting to plug up already.

Ta Daaaaa! You and your family are going to Disneyworld! All expenses paid, meals are included, you'll be staying in a suite in a park hotel, transport to and from home is taken care of, and you get $12,000 for spending money! I've even called your most trusted pet sitter!

Me and my family, huh? Did I do something for you to hate me this much? My mother and father will fight all the time, my brother will whine about the weather, my SIL will chase everyone around with her camera all in between endless jabs from all of them about how I'm still unmarried! Or are you just trying to rub it in that I'm unmarried? Is that it?

VIRGIN Islands?!?!?! What kind of loser island can't get any action?!?!?!

Here, I got you your very own beautiful, Technicolour, completely edible candy garden with a chocolate river flowing through it, just like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh, and you don't have to worry about the garden looking "picked-over," because everything grows back as soon as it's picked. Also, you'll never get bored, because there's a very talented group of Oompa-Loompas living in the garden, and they love to perform elaborate musical numbers at every available opportunity.

Chocolate???? I've got skin problems, migraines, and diabetes and you expect me to eat chocolate????? No bloody way! Not to mention that all those Oompa-Loompas make me feel like my privacy's been invaded!

Chocolate???? I've got skin problems, migraines, and diabetes and you expect me to eat chocolate????? No bloody way! Not to mention that all those Oompa-Loompas make me feel like my privacy's been invaded!

Here's a lifetime pass to Disney!

Oh great, that will do me so much good, what with me living in Australia and getting horribly travel sick if I'm on a plane or boat for more than an hour.

Here, I had your grandfather's favorite watch carefully restored by the original maker - it looks just like it did when it was brand new, and runs twice as well.

Why would I want a pony? Its bad tempered and it bites or kicks and I can't get near it.

I bought you a Japanese vase

Yeah...next time take off the 'Made in China' sticker first

Here's a penguin

Gee, thanks. If you're gonna send me a box of penguins, at least include the proper cooking instructions next time. I stuck them in the freezer last night because I didn't know what dish to make. When I opened the freezer this morning, the little boogers were pooping and Happy Feet dancing all over my Eggo waffles. ::)

I got you the magic, anything you want, never ending supply of presents bag from Ernest Saves Christmas. Christopher Meloni from SVU will personally deliver the bag to your home shirtless and then be your cabana boy for life.

Just a screening room... ummm.. what am I supposed to screen, I have no movies and now all these strange people want to come to my home and I have to feed them, and find movies to screen.. what a hassle this gift is!

I have given you the gift of multiplicity, now you can create duplicates of yourself, so you can get more done during the day! You are welcome!! :)

Well I told you the last time you got me one of those stupid cruises that I get sea sick! And are you going to throw in some money for suveniors? what about alcoholic drinks? The cruise meal plan doesn't cover alcohol...and I'm gonna need it! And what about a babysitter? I can't leave my precious darlings!

I got you Johnny Depp dressed like Jack Sparrow. He'll be in character all day and will do your bidding.

You know I don't like Johnny Depp! What am I going to do with this gift?

I got your my free time at the place my DD1 works. You can get a shampoo, cut, style, chemical (your choice) or a wax. Any combination if you don't want them all. I will pay the few bucks for the chemical and leave DD1 a very nice tip.

You know I don't like Johnny Depp! What am I going to do with this gift?

I got your my free time at the place my DD1 works. You can get a shampoo, cut, style, chemical (your choice) or a wax. Any combination if you don't want them all. I will pay the few bucks for the chemical and leave DD1 a very nice tip.

Oh, nice. Thanks for forgetting that all my hair fell out last year, after I was a test product guinea pig.

Your gift: My wormhole technology. And a free set of steak knives, for all the tea in China.

yeah...about the bird....my cat decided that he would make a tasty snack...and I had to clean up feathers everywhere!

Here's a book about organizing your home.

ginlyn

I live in a van by the river

Here's your very own Babylonian battery, a pyramid and a map telling you how to avoid / disarm any grave robber traps inside the pyramid. I cut through a lot of red tape so you won't get in trouble with the Egyptian government for taking things from the pyramid and selling them on Ebay

Oh great. So it's been sitting about for 6 months in the summer heat? Fantastic. Bet that's in REAL good shape now isn't it?

I bought you a never ending toilet roll in your favourite brand that's the same size as a normal toilet roll but will never ever run out. Actually, here's one for every bathroom in your house as well as a few spare in case anyone absconds with them.

Do you know how bad that is for the environment! I use a bidet, none of that toilet paper stuff... so wasteful.

I have given you a chef, at your call 24/7, I have paid his salary for the rest of his life, he can teleport so he has his own place, and he can cook over 100 kinds of cuisine, plus is a world ranked pastry chef whose desserts are said to actually BRING happiness like some sort of spell. It is quite amazing.

2 Tickets! I am a loan wolf and I don't want to share :( Now I am forced to bring someone who will either complain all night OR embarrass me and cramp my style because reselling the tickets would be illegal.

I have gotten you a Sylar robot, enjoy, you don't even have to return him to me.... ;)

2 Tickets! I am a loan wolf and I don't want to share :( Now I am forced to bring someone who will either complain all night OR embarrass me and cramp my style because reselling the tickets would be illegal.

I have gotten you a Sylar robot, enjoy, you don't even have to return him to me.... ;)

What's a Sylar robot?

I got you a leading role in the next big box-office blockbuster......and all the fame and fortune that comes with it. :)

How could you! Everyone knows it is better to give than receive, and now you announce you won't take anything from me? What is it; are my tastes just not up to snuff for you, or are you just trying to call me cheap? That's what you are really saying isn't it?!? Well not everyone can afford to get you 'everything you will ever want' you know!

I bought you this fabulous new coat, it is good for all weather from 0-100 degrees and it is just your style, you look GREAT in it :)

Don't you know I have sensitive skin and all fibers make me itch! Plus I need more sun exposure because my vitamin D level is low, are you trying to make me get osteoporosis and break a bone? The idea!

Here, take this cuddly puppy that is housebroken and knows how to sit, stay, heel, and come! And will never bark to annoy the neighbors, and doesn't shed either! You gotta love it!

I know that my taste in gifts is horrible, so I created this laminated 'IOU' for you. You can use it to get me to pay for whatever you want, at any price. And if at any time (our lives) you decide you don't like the gift anymore for any reason, you can just tell me what you want instead and I'll get that for you too. You don't even have to give me a reason for why you wanted a new gift.

Yea thanks, you had us meet at the theatre DURING the show. Not only is it against etiquette to talk during the show, but a guy just shot Abe in the head before I could even ask what he thought of the refreshments!

I am giving you a writing/acting job on Heroes, go forth and write the show and make out with the gorges men who play Sylar, Nathan and Peter.... tough job and you get paid MILLIONS! Bravo to you.

Since she doesn't sign her books very often, I bet it's not even her signature. And is it really going to be her or is is just going to be a look-a-like that I have lunch with?

I got you a NOOK. It's great, I love mine! Here is a B&N Store card to get your purchases a little less and a $100 gift card to start your NOOK library (or get actual books if that is what you prefer).

A gift card to a shop not even in my country (so I'm stuck forking out for the airfare or extortionate shipping charges: oh, the agony of choice...), and a device that is eventually going to put Ferrets The Underpaid Publishing Editor (Of Real, Dead-Tree Books) out of a job. Well, cheers. ::)

Have a gift-wrapped Sean Bean on me. ;D

EDIT - Three days later, and nobody wants a gift-wrapped Sean Bean? :o

I got you a complete ticket package to the Academy Awards, with backstage passes, airfare, the best hotel accommodations in Beverly Hills, a limo, gown and accessories by the designer of your choice, and a babysitter if need be.

That would be pretty great if I had something to play it in... I don't have a DVD/Computer/Blu Ray.... not even a television

I have given you the ability to see your future and map out every move you should make in order to give yourself the BEST possible life! Everything forever will always work out for you, so have a GREAT life because you WILL have one! YAY :)

Oh fantastic- now my family and I are going to be in mortal peril for the rest of our lives whilst a madman runs around us all shooting terrorists. How on earth can I look after elderly patients if there's someone crashing through the doors shooting people at all hours of the day?

I bought you a computer monitor that never ever gets dirty, never has dead pixels, is thin, durable and lasts forever. Hope you like it!

Oh, that's gonna go over real well with my landlord (not allowed) and my roommate (allergic). So now I'm gonna have to find a new apartment, a new roommate, and worry about taking care of a dog while working part-time, going to school full-time, and living on a very limited budget. Thaaaanks.

$100 won't even cover the tax on a Gucci item! Thanks for making me take out ANOTHER line of credit.... I already have 15!!!

I know you have been very burdened with a lot of work, so I am going to be your personal assistant, while you take the week off, I booked a relaxing day for you, all expenses paid of course, but if you don't want to go...just lay around and do what YOU want! Also missed the old gift from the last page, someone was giving away Zachary Quinto, you can BORROW him... but he must be returned to me in semi pristine condition. So see, you get me as your servant, a week off and the gorges Zachary Quinto. I am the best person on EARTH

Mac or PC? I'm a Linux user! And more than that, I support the free software movement - take it back and get me something with GNU installed.Honestly, some people.

I got you a world-renowned vineyard!I also did all the work of arranging for the workers, made sure the managers can handle running everything you don't want to, and it makes enough to cover all its own costs including pay. All you have to do is rake in the money it makes, or sit back and admire the view with a few bottles of the very best it makes.

$100 won't even cover the tax on a Gucci item! Thanks for making me take out ANOTHER line of credit.... I already have 15!!!

I know you have been very burdened with a lot of work, so I am going to be your personal assistant, while you take the week off, I booked a relaxing day for you, all expenses paid of course, but if you don't want to go...just lay around and do what YOU want! Also missed the old gift from the last page, someone was giving away Zachary Quinto, you can BORROW him... but he must be returned to me in semi pristine condition. So see, you get me as your servant, a week off and the gorges Zachary Quinto. I am the best person on EARTH

Egads, it's going to be horrid to return to work after such a wonderful time.

$100 won't even cover the tax on a Gucci item! Thanks for making me take out ANOTHER line of credit.... I already have 15!!!

I know you have been very burdened with a lot of work, so I am going to be your personal assistant, while you take the week off, I booked a relaxing day for you, all expenses paid of course, but if you don't want to go...just lay around and do what YOU want! Also missed the old gift from the last page, someone was giving away Zachary Quinto, you can BORROW him... but he must be returned to me in semi pristine condition. So see, you get me as your servant, a week off and the gorges Zachary Quinto. I am the best person on EARTH

Egads, it's going to be horrid to return to work after such a wonderful time.

I live downtown in a city where driving is a blood sport and my apartment building doesn't have parking. Trying to kill me AND bankrupt me, are you?

I got you a brand-new set of copper pots and pans.

I don't believe in copper cookware. I only use cast iron.

I got you a one-of-a-kind hand-beaded purse from Kate Spade's personal collection.

Are you trying to tell me that I'm not feminine enough for your liking? I happen to like my tomboy reputation! Not to mention my male-dominated industry - if I was seem carrying something like that around, I'd never hear the end of it. I'll stick to my backpack - it will keep my pride in tact and its bigger and its easier to carry around and its less likely to be damaged.

I got you a contract for a movie trilogy - you can play whatever part you like, set your own schedule, and can chose who plays the role opposite to you.

I live in a city. How can I keep a unicorn happy? Poor thing will starve or get graffittied or get stolen before the week's out then I'll have all the guilt to deal with. Thank you VERY much.

I bought you a perfect pair of shoes that will stay perfect no matter how much they are used/ chewed on by puppies etc. Did I mention they were magic too? They automatically become the pair of shoes that you want to wear any time you put them on and will be comfortable and fit no matter how high heels they become. Hope they're useful!

Do you not think it's hard enough for me to get out of bed on these cold mornings as it is? How hard do you think it'll be with an extra-snuggly warm quilt added into the mix? I might as well hand in my notice now- I'll be late so much I'll end up fired anyway!

Oh, thank you sooooooo much. What exactly am I supposed to do with it, glass was made with lead at that time. I can't use it for food, and I certainly can't put something pretty in for fear of the child putting his mouth on it.

For you, I give...nothing. What more would be better for someone who has everything.

Because what I need is MORE books in the piles on the floor since I'm out of bookshelf space. Reeeeeaaaalllllllly thoughtful - I'll think of you when I have to take the dogs to the vet because they broke their little heads when the piles of books tipped over and landed on them. ::)

Here, I got you this beautiful conflict-free 2 carat diamond necklace, lovingly hand-set in platinum on a 24" platinum chain.

You know I can never wear that...every thief and mugger in the world would take one look at me and drool uncontrollably. And, of course, it's not like I can exactly wear a thing like that out to Denny's. What kind of budget do you think we're on? AND of course you know I'm allergic to every precious metal except for unobtainium. Bu thanks. Really.