A Different Kind of Christmas List

It’s the Wednesday before Christmas, and crunch-time is upon us. In general it’s been a pretty smooth December over here (all that overanalysis about how to keep things in perspective during Advent actually paid off!) but this week I find myself racing around to tie up a few loose ends that slipped through the cracks earlier this month. It’s a little overwhelming to think that before Sunday, I need to send out the last of the Christmas cards, mail gifts to people out of town, make that favorite biscotti recipe for my 98-year-old grandfather, and wrap every single one of the mountain of presents that has taken over half of my closet.

As we scramble around to get everything taken care of, it’s easy to overlook people in our lives who made need extra comfort this season. For those who have lost loved ones through death or divorce, this may be the hardest part of their entire year. In particular, I’ve heard many folks who have had tragedy strike early in the year say that Christmas is almost as hard as when the event first transpired: It’s their first Christmas without their loved-ones, yet they don’t have that same outpouring of support that they did at the time of the loss. “I felt enveloped with love and support after my sister died in February,” an acquaintance once explained, “but when Christmas rolled around, it seemed that everyone had forgotten about my loss. I felt so alone.”

I mentioned this on my personal blog last week, and was pointed to a powerful piece by a mother who lost a son a couple of years ago. In the post, she strongly encouraged readers to send an email or a note of encouragement to those who are mourning lost loved ones this holiday season.

Inspired by these words of wisdom, I’m going to write a list of the contact information of people I know who may be aching for lost loved ones, and bring it with me to my Christmas celebrations. And in the midst of the hustle and bustle of Christmas day, I’ll carve out time to send an email or make a quick phone call to let them know I’m thinking of them, and that they’re in my prayers. Will you join me? It’s a little gesture, but hopefully one that will bring some small measure of comfort to those who are struggling this Christmas.

Comments

I echo your encouragement to reach out to the bereaved…and the families of the missing - what an amazing cross to carry with almost none of the social consolations that come with hardship…wow continue the good work.

Im my work with the bereaved (perinatal loss) I keep track of loss dates and send a card at the 1 year mark. My DIL had a friend who suffered a death at 24 weeks and when she wrote the mom on the babys birthday, she learned she was the ONLY friend who reached out to her. Pick out a plain card and write something like “thinking of you today and remembering your baby”.

One of my best friends lost her only child at term in the middle of the birth process - 4 years ago today. I met her when I carried her freshly bathed daughter in for her mom to see her for the first time, I didnt know I was meeting someone who would become a dear friend. Happy Birthday, we love you Zara Beth !!

Posted by TRS on Wednesday, Dec 21, 2011 1:09 PM (EDT):

This is brilliant.
My dad died quite suddenly this summer and I since I live away from family, I am sure that going home for the first time since his death will be ..... I don’t know what. I feel like I will be okay - because I was already accustomed to the distance. But being with family who was with him daily, but now miss him daily - will be… again, I don’t know what. but I remember how awful it was 28 years ago at Christmas when my sister was killed two months earlier. Ugh.
.
One friend mentioned my loss in her Christmas card to me this year. I think most people want to gloss over it for fear of brining it up.
This is a good reminder that those who have lost someone are still feeling the loss. you’re not going to surprise them by bringing it up!

Posted by Maureen Reintjes on Wednesday, Dec 21, 2011 12:35 PM (EDT):

This hit home for me in more ways than one. I lost my Dad during this Advent season on Dec 6 of this year and was so touched by the outpouring of condolences. But my condolences didn’t come from the “normal” people that reach out to extend comfort. You see I work as a trained advocate for the families of the missing.

Normally when a loved one dies you get to go through the process the Rosary/Visitation, the Mass of Christian Burial, the graveside service. During that period you get together with many friends and family who cocoon you during that initial grief period. The families of the missing don’t get that. Yet it was their beautiful words, how they rallied around me and their deep insight into just what I was feeling that I will never forget. In facing the very worse trauma any family can face, having a loved one missing these families ability to time and time again to reach out to others is really a lesson in how God’s love shines through in His people.

I am an admin on Peace4 the Missing (http://peace4missing.ning.com)which is a site for the families of the missing. On the site we put up a discussion: “Holidays and the Families of the Missing / Deceased” We have this blog up from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day so the families have a place to share their feelings, vent, cry, laugh, share memories and share coping mechanisms. As you pray for those that grieve this Christmas season please don’t forget about the families of the missing.

Posted by Melanie on Wednesday, Dec 21, 2011 10:52 AM (EDT):

I’m on it! I loved this idea when you mentioned it on your blog and have thought about it several times since your Quick Takes. Grief is a curious thing and people always appreciate their loss being recognized even if the words aren’t perfect.

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About Jennifer Fulwiler

Jennifer Fulwiler is a writer and speaker who converted to Catholicism after a life of atheism. She's a contributor to the books The Church and New Media and Atheist to Catholic: 11 Stories of Conversion, and is writing a book based on her personal blog, ConversionDiary.com. She and her husband live in Austin, TX with their five young children, and were featured in the nationally televised reality show Minor Revisions. You can follow her on Twitter at @conversiondiary.