New WWE open, which debuted on the 1,000th Raw. Intro video for the 25th SummerSlam, which isn’t the 25th anniversary, but is billed as such because WWE doesn’t know how anniversaries work. Pyro and ballyhoo. We are LIVE from Los Angeles! Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are the announcers.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to scream at us. I guess that means Ziggler vs. Jericho is up first. They show clips of Ziggler winning the Money In The Bank Ladder Match last month. Jericho comes out and they show a clip of Ziggler injuring Jericho’s ribs this past Smackdown. Justin Roberts is a ring announcer.

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. Chris Jericho. Jericho is sporting taped ribs from the aforementioned attack. Ziggler runs around the ring and Jericho gives chase. Back inside, Jericho catches him with an elbow smash and beats him up a bit. Ziggler does a drop down and a leap frog, but Jericho catches him with a chop. Ziggler avoids a suplex and attacks the injured ribs. Jericho gets a reprieve by back body dropping Ziggler to the floor. He goes for his rebound dropkick to the apron, but fails and eats the floor as Ziggler makes it back into the ring. Ziggler continues to punish the ribs. Vickie is obnoxious at ringside. Ziggler hits a Rude Awakening, complete with gyrating hips, then pulls a Jericho classic on foot cover for 2. Jericho gets whipped into the ropes, but catches Ziggler with a schoolboy for 2. Ziggler charges Jericho in the corner, eats it, and Jericho gets a brief flurry. Ziggler charges the corner again and eats Jericho’s boot. Jericho follows with a diving elbow smash. Ziggler sends Jericho into the post, then hits the Fameasser for 2. Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho, fails, but lands an enzuigiri for 2. Ziggler avoids Jericho in the corner, jumps on his back, and clamps on the sleeper hold. Jericho backs Ziggler into the corner to escape. Ziggler kicks him in the ribs and goes up top. Jericho cuts him off, pounds on him, and hits a top rope Frankensteiner~! Delayed cover gets 2. Ziggler catches Jericho out of nowhere with a swank DDT for 2. They trade shots. Jericho hits the bulldog and goes for the Lionsault. Ziggler catches him in the injured ribs with raised knees, then hits the Zig Zag, but Jericho kicks out! Jericho catches Ziggler with the Codebreaker. Ziggler rolls to the floor. Jericho throws Ziggler back into the ring. Vickie grabs Jericho’s leg, allowing Ziggler to get an inside cradle for 2. Jericho sends Ziggler into the post and locks in the Walls of Jericho. Ziggler taps in 13:06. Yes, Jericho won, but is this really “the big one?” It made sense when Jericho did this angle with The Rock in 2001 and won the World title, but is the opening match of SummerSlam the same thing? Good match, though.

Slim Jim commercial.

Los Angeles!

They show Brock Lesnar destroying Shawn Michaels on Raw last week.

Matt Striker interviews Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Well, Paul does all of the talking.

Lillian Garcia is also a ring announcer. The Spanish announcers, Carlos Cabrera and Marcelo Rodriguez, are present as well.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane. Kane has his dukes up, which amuses me. Bryan kicks at the larger man’s legs. Kane catches a kick and throws him down. Bryan avoids an elbow and kicks him some more. Kane punches him a bit. Bryan backflips off the top rope, then gets slammed for 2. Kane stomps Bryan in the corner. Fans are chanting for Bryan. Bryan fails at a reverse cradle and eats a big boot. Cover gets 2 for Kane. Bryan kicks at Kane’s knee some more. Kane nonchalantly choke throws Bryan out of the ring. Bryan gets back in as Kane comes out and takes him out with a tope suicide. Back inside, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for 2. Bryan lands more kicks as the crowd chants “YES!” Kane ducks a critical blow and lands a clothesline. Kane hits a sidewalk slam for 2. Kane hits the diving lariat and goes for the chokeslam. Bryan counters out and rolls to the apron, pulls Kane’s head over the top rope, then comes back in to eat a punch. Bryan slaps Kane defiantly. Kane beats the crap out of him in the corner until the referee forces a break. Bryan takes the opportunity and goes on the offensive. He goes for the LeBell/Yes/No Lock, fails, and settles for kicking Kane in the chest. He gets annoyed at the “YES!” chants and goes for the diving headbutt. Kane catches him by the throat and hits the chokeslam. Instead of covering, he signals for the Tombstone. Bryan counters it into an inside cradle for the pin in 8:03! Bryan wins! YES! YES! YES! Fun little match.

Kane, pissed that lost, rampages around backstage. Josh Matthews tries to interview him, but Kane grabs him by the throat, yells “WHERE?! IS?! HE?!” and throws him away, then continues his rampage.

Don’t drink and drive.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: The Miz (c) vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. I think Mysterio’s costume is supposed to be Batman. They lock up. Miz lands a shoulder block. Mysterio sits up and kind of stares at him. They do a bit of wrestling that ends in Rey getting a near fall and Miz taking a quick powder. Miz comes back in and gets to stompin’. Rey hits a flying headscissors. Miz throws Rey out of the ring. Rey slides back in as Miz slides out, then dropkicks Miz through the ropes. Miz sends Rey torso-first into the barricade. Back inside, Miz goes to work. Rey counters a backdrop and gets a 2 count. Miz catches Rey with that lucha-style backbreaker that Jericho does on Rey for 2. Miz beats on Rey some more. Rey tries to make a comeback, but eats a clothesline, which gets a 2 count for Miz. Miz hits his corner clothesline and goes up top, but Rey dropkicks Miz, crotching h im on the top turbuckle. Rey hits the diving seated senton and goes for a rana, but Miz catches him with a powerbomb for 2. Rey ducks a kick and gets a cradle for 2, then kicks Miz in the head for another 2. Combine the two, and he got a 4 count, so he almost won under Canadian rules. Rey hits a whirly DDT for 2. Rey goes up top again, but gets caught. Rey fights Miz off and hits a diving headscissors, which puts Miz into 619 position. Rey hits the 619 and goes for the diving splash, but Miz avoids it. Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Rey turns it into a cradle for 2. Miz launches Rey into the turnbuckles, then hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the pin in 9:10. It was okay, but I never really got into it.

Plug for the WWE iPhone/Android app. I downloaded it. It’s not that interesting.

Teddy Long and Eve Torres walk out of the GM’s office and talk about how quirky AJ Lee is. They walk away and WWE Champion CM Punk walks into the office. He complains to AJ about being in a Triple Threat Match tonight. She just cocks her head and stares off into space, ignoring him.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Sheamus (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio. They lock up. Del Rio backs Sheamus into the corner. Repeat. They tumble out of the ring together and brawl on the floor. Back inside, Sheamus hits a neckbreaker for 2. Sheamus hits the Finlay Roll for 2. Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge, but fails. He ends up getting Del Rio up on his shoulders as Del Rio exposes the turnbuckle. Sheamus counters the Minoru Special and misses the Brogue Kick. Del Rio kicks Sheamus off the apron, then sends him knee first into the steps. Back inside, Del Rio clamps on a rear chin lock. Sheamus escapes and goes for another neckbreaker, but Del Rio kicks him in the knee, then in the head for 2. They fight some more. Del Rio is wearing black gear that looks reall weird on him for some reason. He taunts Sheamus by doing the “Brogue!” taunt. He teases a Brogue Kick, but Sheamus cuts him off. Del Rio sends Sheamus’ shoulder into the post. Sheamus tries to go up top, but gets cut off. Del Rio hits an arm breaker (pulling the knees into the arm) off the top for 2. There has to be a better name for that move. Del Rio goes for his move, but Sheamus counters. Del Rio counters the counter and hits the Minoru Special. Sheamus powers up and slams Del Rio down. Sheamus hits the White Noise (Schwein) for 2. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, but Del Rio avoids him. Sheamus clubbers Del Rio in the chest. Why hasn’t the referee fixed that exposed turnbuckle? Oh, I see. Del Rio drops Sheamus into the exposed buckle, then hits an enzuigiri, but Sheamus kicks out! Del Rio roughs up Ricardo just because he’s a dick. Sheamus hits Del Rio with Ricardo’s shoe, then hits the White Noise for the pin in 11:24, even though Del Rio’s foot was on the bottom rope. That’s actually the finish? Okay then. Del Rio and Ricardo bitch at the referee, and rightfully so. This match did not click with me at all.

Plug for the National Guard, or rather, how great WWE is for supporting the National Guard.

Cole and Lawler plug Night of Champions.

On the pre-show, Triple H told referee Scott Armstrong to not DQ or count anyone out tonight in his match with Brock Lesnar.

Last week on Raw, the Prime Time Players beat up R-Truth while Kofi Kingston was in China, then Touted about it.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Kofi Kingston & R-Truth (c) vs. The Prime Time Players. Truth beats up Young to start. O’Neil tags in and drops Truth with a boot, barks, and covers for 2. Kofi tags in and keeps O’Neil off balance with his speed. Kofi hits the Boom Drop and goes for the Trouble In Paradise, but Young distracts him. Heel chicanery on the outside leads to the Players getting the advantage. Kofi plays face in peril. Young looks like he’s trying to get Kofi in some retarded triangle choke. It fails completely, but he continues to put a beating on Kofi. O’Neil tags in and applies an abdominal stretch. Kofi turns a spinning slam into a spike DDT. Truth gets the hot tag and runs wild on Darren Young. Truth hits a front suplex. Cover, but O’Neil saves. O’Neil throws Kofi out of the ring, but Kofi skins the cat, low bridges him out, and takes him out with a dive. Truth thinks about a dive, but Young schoolboys him for 2. Young goes for something and fails, and Truth hits the Paydirt, whatever he’s calling it this week, for the pin in 7:07. Players are nothing without AW. This match was pretty close to nothing, too.

Axxess clips.

Punk/Cena/Show hype video.

Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. John Cena vs. The Big Show. Big Show beats up everyone to start. Punk seems to be channeling Bret Hart with his pink gear. Cena and Punk unite to try to suplex Show, but Show suplexes both of them at the same time. Show wins on them some more. Cena gets tossed out of the ring by Show and Punk makes a comeback until he stupidly goes for the Go 2 Sleep and fails. Cena tries to give Show the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk pushes them over. Punk covers Cena, but Show saves. Show beats up Punk some more and throws Cena out of the ring again. Punk avoids Show in the corner and goes for a springboard cross body, but Show catches him and hits the Final Cut. Show signals for the KO punch, but Cena reappears and cuts him off. Show spears Cena for 2. Show goes for a Vader Bomb onto both opponents, but Punk avoids it and Cena takes the full brunt. Punk breaks Show’s cover. Show throws Punk out of the ring, then goes after Cena on the other side. Punk tries a dive, but Show catches him and launches him into the ropes from the outside. Awesome. Show and Cena go at it in the ring. Punk pulls Show’s head over the top rope, allowing Cena to hit a backdrop suplex. LA crowd doesn’t like Cena. Cena signals for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Punk cuts him off. Punk hits the diving elbow drop on Show. Cover, but Show throws him across the ring at 2. Punk kicks Show in the head and locks in the Koji Clutch, of all things. Show breaks out. Punk takes a powder. Cena hits Show with a shoulder block and locks in the STF. Show stands and backs Cena into the corner. Cena goes for a dive, but Show catches and slams him. Punk drops Show with a diving lariat and hits him with 3 running knees to the corner, but Show counters the bulldog. Cena hits Show with the diving Fameasser, but ends up on the apron. Punk locks Show in the Koji Clutch. Cena also applies the STF. Show taps. The referee calls for the bell, but there are 2 winners. Cena and Punk argue with the referee. Raw GM AJ Lee skips out and rules that the match must continue. Show immediately chokeslams both me. Cover on Cena gets 2. Cover on Punk gets 2. Cena ducks the KO punch and hits Show with the Attitude Adjustment. Punk throws Cena out of the ring and pins Show in 14:28. Very enjoyable match. Punk celebrates.

Los Angeles!

Celebrities are here! Including former WCW World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette and WrestleMania participant Maria Menounos (sporting a Bob Backlund shirt).

Trailer for WWE Films’ latest, The Day.

On the preshow, Antonio Cesaro beat Santino Marella for the WWE United States Championship, with help from Aksana.

Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. Triple H. Brock immediately powers Triple H into the corner. Hunter comes back with punches. Brock repeats and goes for the Kimura. Triple H counters. Brock beats him in the corner some more and goes for it again. He gets a standing version, but Hunter is in the ropes. Triple H fights back and clotheslines Brock out of the ring. Brock comes back in and beats up Triple H in the corner some more. Hunter lands a knee lift and clotheslines Brock out of the ring again. Lesnar looks irked. Brock comes back in and takes off his gloves. It’s a bare knuckle fight now! Brock gets a double leg takedown and pummels Triple H with a few punches. Hunter bails, selling a punch to the back of the head. They brawl outside. Brock gives Hunter a hammerlock slam onto the announce table. The brawl some more back inside. Brock delivers another hammerlock slam. Brock continues working the arm. Triple H counters an F-5 attempt, but Brock hits him with a BIG German suplex. Brock stomps Triple H’s arm again. Triple H tries to bail, gets caught, and pulls Brock against the top rope. Hunter manages to score with a DDT. Brock immediately goes after the arm again. I always enjoy a hammerlock slam, and Brock is dishing them out liberally tonight. They go outside and Lesnar sends Triple H into the post. They wreck the Spanish announce table. Brock actually jumps off of it and hits Triple H with a big chop. Back in the ring, Triple H tries to fight back. Lesnar gets an inside cradle of all things for 2. Lesnar hits a clothesline and goes for a suplex, but Hunter counters and suplexes him. Lesnar clotheslines the turnbuckle. Triple H goes for the Pedigree, but fails, gets whipped into the corner, and does the Michaels flip out of the ring. Brock takes a shot into the announce table on his stomach and starts dry heaving. The announcers talk about his issues with diverticulitis. Hunter goes after the midsection. He hits some knee lifts to the stomach. Triple H hits the spinebuster and goes for the Pedigree. Lesnar counters and goes for the F-5. Triple H counters and hits the Pedigree, but Lesnar kicks out. Triple H goes for the Pedigree again, but Lesnar hits him square in the balls. The referee, per Hunter’s request, is letting it go. Lesnar hits the F-5, but Triple H kicks out. Lesnar locks on the standing Kimura again. Triple H tries to fight out, but Lesnar goes to the ground with it. Triple H gets the ropes, but the ref isn’t enforcing the rules. Hunter fights out of the hold. Hunter hits the Pedigree and goes for the cover, but Lesnar gets the Kimura again. Triple H taps in 18:45. I’m absolutely shocked that they did the right thing and put Lesnar over. The match was an intense brawl, but not on the level of Lesnar/Cena. I’ll give it a thumbs slightly up. Lesnar leaves. Hunter refuses medical attention. Fans chant “YOU TAPPED OUT!”, which is probably not what WWE was going for with this. Hunter mouths “I’m sorry” and leaves to a mixture of boos and polite applause.

This show started well, dipped really low in the middle, peaked with the triple threat match, and ended okay. I’d say the show as a whole is thumbs in the middle.

They show the shenanigans leading up to Kane vs. Randy Orton involving their respective fathers, Paul Bearer and Bob Orton Jr.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Kane vs. Randy Orton. They brawl. Orton gets punched off the top to the floor. Cover on the floor gets 2. Kane brings in a leg pipe. Orton cuts him off and hits him with the pipe a few times, knocking him back to the floor on the last shot. They fight in the crowd. Orton knees Kane in the face for 2. Kane slams Orton on the concrete for 2. More crowd brawling. They end up near the set. Orton lands a dropkick for 2. Kane blocks the RKO and boots Orton in the face for 2. They brawl backstage. They end up in a room with some geeks. Zack Ryder attacks Kane, which only pisses him off. Kane goozles Ryder, but Orton hits the 3.0 for 2. Back into the hallway. Kane throws something at Orton and covers for 2. Back into the arena. Back into the ring. Orton drops Kane with a clothesline and hits a powerslam. Orton retrieves a chair from underneath the ring and attacks Kane with it. Back outside, where Orton clears off the announce table. Kane goes for the chokeslam, but Orton prevents it. Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER off the table to the floor! Cover gets 2. Kane blocks the RKO and sends Orton into the post. Cover gets 2. Back inside, Kane goes up top. Orton crotches him and hits a superplex. Cover gets 2. Orton humps the mat. Kane hits the chokeslam, but Orton kicks out! Kane bitches at the referee. Kane goes for the Tombstone on the chair. Orton counts out and hits the RKO sort of on the chair for the pin in 16:45. Fun match.

John Laurinaitis and Eve Torres are backstage with the Raw Roulette wheel. Teddy Long brings in champagne. He’s being humiliated after he lost his GM job at WrestleMania. Laurinaitis gets a phone call from Triple H.

Chicago!

“The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay (w/ Hornswoggle, Cameron, & Naomi) vs. Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero & Jack Swagger). They lock up. Clay overpowers Ziggler. Ziggler tries to take Clay down, but fails. Swagger distracts Clay, allowing Ziggler to dropkick him out of the ring. Ziggler distracts the referee while Swagger hits a shoulder block on the floor. Back inside, Ziggler goes on the attack. Clay goes for a knee lift, but Ziggler dropkicks his knee, then hits the Fameasser for 2. Ziggler lands a dropkick for 1. Ziggler applies a rear chin lock. Clay fights out. Ziggler stays on the attack. He goes for a suplex, but fails. Clay throws him with a front suplex and makes his comeback. Clay knocks Swagger on the apron. Ziggler goes for the sleeper, but fails. Clay hits a headbutt and a big splash for the pin in 4:18. It was fine for what it was.

Earlier in the day, The Big Show and Cody Rhodes played Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal to determine the stipulation for their Intercontinental title match tonight. It’s a Tables Match.

Lillian Garcia is the other ring announcer.

The show highlights of Show’s title victory over Rhodes at WrestleMania XXVIII.

Tables Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: The Big Show (c) vs. Cody Rhodes. Show beats up Rhodes. Rhodes bails after taking a big back body drop. Show sets up a table on the outside and picks up Rhodes. Rhodes slips off and chop blocks Show’s knee. Show rallies and continues to beat and toss Rhodes around. Show throws Rhodes and a table in the ring. He throws Rhodes at the table in the corner, but Rhodes rebounds off of it and hits the Beautiful Disaster. Rhodes charges, but Show shoulder blocks him. Rhodes bails. Show beats him up on the outside. Show throws Rhodes back into the ring and gets in the apron. Rhodes dropkicks Show, who steps through a table at ringside. The referee rules Rhodes the winner in 4:35. Stupid finish. A pissed off Show drops Rhodes after the match, then chokeslams him through a table. Crowd chants “One more time!” Show press slams Rhodes out of the ring through another table. Show leaves. Rhodes is helped up and manages to hold up his belt while looking like he’s near tears.

Edge DVD plug.

Matt Striker interviews Daniel Bryan. Will he become World Champion tonight? YES! YES! YES! Fun interview. He walks away and they show AJ sulking in the background.

Sheamus/Bryan hype video.

2/3 Falls Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus (c) vs. Daniel Bryan. Sheamus is wearing a t-shirt with “18 seconds” written on it, the time in which he beat Bryan for the title at WrestleMania. I timed it at 19 seconds, but that’s neither here nor there. Sheamus grabs a headlock and lands a shoulder block. They do a brief mat exchange. Sheamus goes for the Brogue Kick, but Bryan avoids it. Sheamus taunts Bryan with how close that was. They trade arm locks. Sheamus hits a Finlay Roll for 2. For some reason, I don’t know the proper name for that move. Sheamus rolls through a sunset flip and locks Bryan in a Texas Cloverleaf. Bryan gets the ropes. Sheamus goes for it again, but Bryan gets an inside cradle for 2. Sheamus beats up Bryan. Bryan lands a lariat. Sheamus rolls to the apron and Bryan dropkicks him to the floor. Bryan dives off the apron, but Sheamus catches him and sends him into the barricade. Back inside, Sheamus goes up top, but Bryan crotches him and goes on the attack. Bryan goes to work on Sheamus’ shoulder. They trade strikes. Bryan gets a reverse cradle for 2. More arm and shoulder torture inflicted by Bryan. Sheamus makes his comeback and beats up Bryan. Sheamus hits a fall away slam for 2. Bryan gets a schoolboy for 2. Bryan goes for a top rope Frankensteiner, but Sheamus holds on, then hits Bryan with a diving shoulder block for 2. Sheamus tries to suplex Bryan in from the apron, but Bryan lands on his feet, then low bridges Sheamus out of the ring on the other side. He goes for a dive, but Sheamus nails him. Back inside, Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge. Bryan turns it into a cradle for 2. Bryan goes for the Yes Lock, but Sheamus counters out repeatedly. Bryan sends Sheamus’ shoulder into the post repeatedly, then kicks the shit out of it while Sheamus is against the ropes. This causes the referee to DQ Bryan, diving Sheamus the first fall at 14:30. Bryan goes back on the attack and applies the Yes Lock. Sheamus struggles, but goes out, and Bryan wins the second fall by referee stop at 16:39. Bryan celebrates while the ringside doctor checks on Sheamus. There are dueling “Yes!” and “No!” chants. Sheamus tells the doctor he can continue. Bryan charges Sheamus and eats a Brogue Kick. Delayed cover gets 2. They trade strikes. Bryan lands a big kick to the head for 2. Bryan goes up top. Sheamus cuts him off and goes for a superplex. Bryan fights him off and goes for a diving headbutt. Sheamus avoids it. Sheamus avoids Bryan in the corner and makes his comeback. Sheamus lands another Brogue Kick for the pin in 22:55. Very good match.

WWE YouTube channel plug.

Over the Limit commercial featuring Randy Orton.

Chicago!

Santino Marella is watching the monitor backstage. 2 jobbers are in the ring. Great Khali comes over to watch too.

The jobbers are named Aaron Relic and Jay Hatton. They cut a stupid promo about 2 being greater than one.

Handicap Match: Aaron Relic & Jay Hatton vs. Ryback. There’s a smattering of “Goldberg!” chants. The jobber with the ridiculous pants attacks Ryback to no avail. Ryback kills him. He orders the other jobber to tag in. The fellow wisely demurs. Ryback tosses him in anyway and kills him. Ryback hits the second jobber with a backpack stunner. Crowd chants “Finish him.” Ryback kills ridiculous pants with sort of a Fisherman buster Samoan drop, then pins them both in 1:50. Santino and Khali are impressed.

Matt Striker interviews WWE Champion CM Punk. Tonight he faces Chris Jericho, who has been insulting his family, in a Chicago Street Fight.

Plug for the PPV theme song.

Punk/Jericho hype video.

Chicago Street Fight for the WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho. This is Punk’s hometown, and members of his family are in the front row. They brawl, because this is a street fight, see. Punk throws some plunder into the ring. He whacks Jericho with a Singapore cane. Jericho drops Punk with a dropkick and gets hold of the cane. He whacks Punk, then hits his trademark springboard dropkick to the apron, sending Punk to the floor. Jericho beats up Punk on the outside. Back inside, Jericho exposes a turnbuckle. Punk fires back with chops. Jericho avoids the running knee to the corner and Punk takes another spill outside. Jericho beats up Punk right in front of his family. He gets in Punk’s sister’s face and gets slapped. Jericho lunges for her and Punk kicks his ass. Punk slams Jericho through the announce table cover. Punk goes for a piledriver, but Jericho back body drops him, then hits him with a monitor. Jericho breaks the other announce table cover over Punk’s back. Back inside, Jericho covers for 2. Jericho applies a rear chin lock. Punk escapes with a backdrop suplex. Punk pulls Jericho’s throat over the top rope and goes for his springboard lariat, but trips. Jericho wails on him with the Singapore cane. Jericho taunts Punk and gets caught with an inside cradle for 2. Jericho responds with something that gets 2. Jericho brings in a can of beer, which he pours on Punk. He brings in another beer and starts drinking it. Punk, meanwhile, starts kicking his ass. Punk hits the running knee to the corner and the bulldog headlock, then pulls the Singapore cane into Jericho’s balls and signals for the Go 2 Sleep. He goes for it, but Jericho counters and goes for the Walls of Jericho. Punk counters and hits a powerslam for 2. Punk goes up top, but Jericho crotches him. They fight on the top rope. Punk sends Jericho to the mat with a Mongolian chop, then hits the diving elbow drop for 2. Jericho counts the Go 2 Sleep again and hits a bulldog. He goes for the Lionsault, but Punk catches him, picks him up on h is shoulders, and goes for the Go 2 Sleep. Jericho counters again and throws Punk into a chair wedged between the turnbuckles. Jericho gets a schoolboy for 2. Jericho catches Punk with the Codebreaker and locks in the Walls of Jericho. Punk manages to reach the ropes. It’s a street fight, so the referee can’t force a break. Punk somehow gets hold of a fire extinguisher and sprays Jericho with it to escape the hold. Punk hits Jericho in the stomach with it and sends him to the floor. Another shot to the gut followed by a kick to the head by Punk. Jericho is on top of the Spanish announce table. Punk goes to the top rope and hits the diving elbow through the table. Punk throws Jericho back into the ring and covers for 2. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice. Jericho whacks Punk with the Singapore cane to escape. Punk hits Jericho with a chair. Jericho catches him with a Codebreaker into the chair. Cover only gets 2. Jericho is getting frustrated. He beats on Punk some more. Jericho tries to give Punk the Go 2 Sleep, just to be a dick. Punk catches Jericho’s leg and catapults him into the exposed turnbuckle, then hits the Go 2 Sleep for the pin in 25:14. This turned out to be a hell of a match. Punk celebrates with his friends and family.

Don’t try this at home!

Earlier tonight on the pre-show, Santino Marella defeated The Miz with the Cobra to retain the United States Championship.

The Bella Twins and Beth Phoenix bicker backstage. Eve Torres says Beth isn’t cleared to wrestle. Whichever Bella is champion will now defend the title against a surprise opponent who isn’t Kharma.

The show Nikki Bella beating Beth for the Divas title last week on Raw after Beth injured her ankle. The Bellas cut a promo. The opponent is the returning Layla.

WWE Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) (w/ Brie Bella) vs. Layla. They lock up. Lots of movement from Layla. Brie trips Layla behind the ref’s back, allowing Nikki to get the advantage. She DDTs Layla’s foot for 2. I fucking hate that spot. Layla gets an inside cradle for 1. Nikki does whatever. Layla hits a springboard cross body for 1, then knocks the other Bella off the apron. Nikki gets the advantage. Layla gets a wonky cradle. Nikki counters. The twins pull the switcheroo. Brie goes for a facebuster, but Layla turns it into a hangman’s neckbreaker for the pin to win the title in 2:28. This sucked.

Extreme Rules Match: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena. Lesnar takes Cena down and mauls him, then kills him with a lariat. Cena is cut already. The stop the match to check the cut. I hate that shit, but I guess Brock is used to it now. Cena charges Brock and gets taken down and mauled again. Cena is sent outside. He’s bleeding pretty bad. Cena fights back as goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Brock will have none of that and gives him a couple of German suplexes. Cena hits a shoulder block and knocks Brock into the referee. The ref is dead, and Brock kills Cena some more. Brock torments Cena’s arm with a Kimura, then tosses him from the ring again. Brock follows Cena out and tortures his arm some more. Back inside, Brock brings in Cena’s chain, then throws it aside because he’s Brock Lesnar and doesn’t need it. He thinks again and uses it to chain Cena’s legs together. Brock hangs Cena from the turnbuckle and massacres him for a while. Cena gets loose and fights back until he’s thrown into the steps. Brock throws the referee back into the ring and wakes him up. Cena has the chain his hand, but Brock steps on it and takes it away. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Brock counters and hits the F-5, but kills the referee again in the process. Another referee runs out, but the delay allows Cena to kick out. Brock clotheslines the new referee. Brock brings the steps into the ring. Cena does his “you can’t see me” and first back. Brock locks in a Kimura on top of the steps. Cena manages to pick Brock up and slam him on the steps. Cena goes for the diving Fameasser, but Brock avoids it. Brock prances on top of the steps while Cena struggles his way back into the ring. Cena makes it onto the apron and Brock launches himself at Cena, taking a bad tumble and injuring his knee in the process. Brock gets up and laughs it off. He charges Cena again, but Cena punches him with the chain. Brock is bleeding now. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on the steps for the pin in 17:42. Aside from the stupidity of putting Cena over in Brock’s first match back, this was awesome.

Cena takes the mic after the match and cuts a promo putting over Chicago. He says he’s going home, which is a lie.

Good show. There were a few really good matches. The main event is soured by the stupidity of Brock losing so quickly.

WWE open, AWESOME PPV open, pyro and ballyhoo. We are LIVE from Chicago. Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Booker T are the announcer. Tony Chimel and Justin Roberts are the ring announcers. Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich are the Spanish announcers.

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Sin Cara vs. Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel vs. Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Heath Slater vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane. Everybody brawls. The big guys (Kane, Barrett, and Sheamus) clear the ring and brawl amongst themselves. Kane clotheslines the others out of the ring, then tries to bring in a ladder. Bryan dropkcks it into him. Slater and Gabriel do the same to Bryan. Cara tries to do the same to them, but they duck and nail him with the ladder. Slater gets the ladder in the ring and sets it up. Gabriel knocks him off and walks the ladder toward the center. Bryan dropkicks him off. Rhodes throws Bryan into the ladder. He tries to climb, but Sheamus cuts him off and goes for the Razor’s Edge. Rhodes counters, goes for the Beautiful Disaster, and hits Slater with it. Sheamus uses the ladder to beat up Rhodes. Kane throws Sheamus and Rhodes out of the ring. Barrett jumps Kane. Kane rallies and disposes of Barrett, then beats up Slater. Kane goes up top, but Cara knocks him down with a kick. Gabriel drops Cara. Bryan ducks Gabriel and hits a tope suicida on somebody. Gabriel, Slater, and Cara all hit dives too. Cara, Gabriel, and Slater do stuff in the ring. Cara gets rid of both of them. Bryan appears on the top rope. Cara hits him with a kick, then hits a one-man Spanish Fly off the top rope. Cara goes out for a ladder, but Barrett boots him down. Barrett builds a ladder bridge from the apron to the Spanish table. Uh oh. Barrett misses Sin Cara and accidentally clotheslines the post. Cara goes back in the ring and eats a brogue kick from Sheamus. Sheamus powerbombs Cara off the apron through the ladder bridge. Fucking ouch. Sheamus beats up more people with a ladder. Cara is stretchered out. Kane and Sheamus brawl in the ring. Bryan, Kane, and Rhodes all bring in ladders, then drop them and start brawling. Kane takes them both out and climbs the ladder. The former members of The Corre cut him off. Rhodes takes advantage of the distraction to climb the ladder. The ex-Corre cut him off too. Bryan climbs and gets the same treatment. Barrett climbs the ladder. His former teammates cut him off and beat him up, then throw him out of the ring. Gabriel and Slater climb the ladder and fight over the briefcase. Rhodes knocks the ladder over and gives Slater the Cross Rhodes. Rhodes climbs the ladder. Barrett cuts him off. Rhodes gives him the Cross Rhodes too. Rhodes climbs the ladder again. Sheamus cuts him off and hits the uranage backbreaker. Bryan cuts off Sheamus and rams his head into the ladder. Sheamus and Kane hit Bryan with a Doomsday Device! Sheamus and Kane brawl. Kane eventually takes him out, then chokeslams Rhodes, then chokeslams Gabriel. Kane climbs the ladder. Bryan cuts him off. Kane tries to chokeslam him, but Bryan turns it into some kind of arm lock. Bryan dives at Kane, gets caught, but somehow turns it to his advantage. Slater climbs the ladder. Bryan cuts him off too. Slater hits a neckbreaker off the ladder. Slater climbs again, but Barrett cuts him off. Barrett crotches Slater on the top turnbuckle, then beats up Sheamus. Barrett brings a third ladder into the ring. Barrett and Sheamus hit Slater with it, then launch him to the floor. Sheamus hits Barrett and Rhodes with brogue kicks, then hits Gabriel with a Polish Hammer. Sheamus drops Gabriel face first across the ladder, then gives him a brogue kick. Sheamus climbs the ladder. Kane comes up the other side and brawls with him. Kane chokeslams Sheamus off the ladder into another ladder. Ouch. Barrett, Rhodes, and Bryan attack Kane. Rhodes hits the Beautiful Disaster. Barrett hits the Wasteland. Gabriel hits Kane with the 450 splash in an impressively small space. Barrett gives Gabriel the Wasteland out of the ring onto Slater. Barrett drops Bryan and gives Rhodes a pumphandle slam. Barrett climbs the ladder. Rhodes pulls him down and clotheslines him out of the ring. Bryan climbs the ladder. Rhodes tries to stop him, but gets elbowed in the face. They fight up the ladder. Barrett climbs up the other side and tries to take the briefcase. Bryan guillotines Rhodes, then elbows Barrett in the face. Barrett sets up Bryan for the Wasteland. Bryan counters with the elbow flurry, then drops Barrett with a kick. Bryan gets the briefcase in 24:26. BRYAN WINS~! HOLY SHIT! Great match. Bryan gets the honor of being the first guy to cash in and fail.

Earlier tonight, Vince McMahon, Johnny Ace, and some lawyer arrived.

Chicago!

WWE Divas Championship Match: Kelly Kelly (c) (w/ Eve Torres) vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella). Kelly slaps Brie and goes on the attack. Kelly tries a headscissors, fucks it up horrible, and sort of recovers. Brie goes to confer with her twin. Kelly hits them both with a dive. Back inside, Kelly sort of goes for a tarantula and gets sent face first into the floor. Nikki puts the boots to Kelly behind the referee’s back. Back inside, Brie goes beats up Kelly for a while. Kelly makes her comeback and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Brie blocks the Rocker Dropper. Kelly blocks a backslide. Cover gets 2. Brie DDTs Kelly’s foot. Cover gets 2. I’m fucking serious. Kelly hits the Rocker Dropper for the pin in 4:48. It wasn’t the worst match I’ve ever seen.

SummerSlam commercial.

Big Show/Mark Henry hype video.

Mark Henry vs. The Big Show. The two big bruisers tear into each other. Show hits Henry with a shoulder block and Henry rolls to the floor. They brawl at ringside. Henry dropkicks the steps into Show’s knee. Back inside, Henry goes to work on the knee. Show fight out of a half crab. Henry squashes Show in the corner. He tries it again, but is met with a boot. Show dives off the bottom rope and hits Henry with a shoulder block. Show goes for the chokeslam. Henry takes out his knee and hits the World’s Strongest Slam for 2. Henry hits another World’s Strongest Slam and 2 big splashes for the pin in 5:58. It was okay. After the match, Henry gets a chair and Pillmanizes Show’s leg with a Vader Bomb. Show is driven out on a letter stretcher cart thingy.

Vince McMahon complains to Johnny Ace backstage. Josh Matthews comes in and asks him of he’s resigned CM Punk. Vince says no, then bitches about Punk being an ingrate.

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne vs. R-Truth vs. Alex Riley vs. The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. Everybody grabs a ladder during their entrance and brings it into the ring, so we start with a ladder fight. Del Rio is buried under ladder at ringside. They even have mini ladders. Bourne and Kofi brawl atop a mini ladder, then used it to hit people. Rey takes Swagger out of the ring with a rana. Riley drops Truth’s balls in a ladder, then hits him with a knee. Riley climbs up the midget ladder. Miz cuts him off. This is stupid. Riley takes out Miz and Swagger with a dive. Truth break dances and hits a Space Flying Tiger Drop onto the pile. Mysterio and Kofi hit stereo dives off the top rope. Bourne hits a Shooting Star press off of a ladder onto everyone. Bourne goes back into the ring and climbs a proper ladder. Miz cuts him off. They fight on top. Del Rio pushes the ladder over. Miz starts selling his knee. Medics come out to check on him. Del Rio climbs the ladder. Truth stops him. Miz is helped to the back. Truth climbs the ladder. Del Rio climbs the other side. Bourne and Mysterio climb over them, but are pulled down. They both hit Frankensteiners. Swagger drops Bourne and Truth. Kofi springboards over Swagger and climbs the ladder. Swagger locks in the ankle lock. Riley climbs the ladder. Swagger notices and brawls with him top of the ladder. Truth pushes it over. A ladder bridge gets set up in the corner. Kofi, Truth, and Rey do some stuff with it. Kofi comes off of it with a Boom Drop onto Truth. Del Rio charges Kofi, but ends up diving under the ladder to the floor. More ladder spots. Swagger gets hit in the face with one. Mysterio gives Truth a 619. Riley and Mysterio fight on top of the ladder. There are a bunch of ladders in the ring now. Everybody climbs up and tries to get the briefcase. Del Rio takes a face bump into the ladder bridge. Guys continue brawling up top. Bourne takes a bump off a ladder to the floor. Kofi ends up on top alone. Swagger makes it back in to cut him off. They both fall to the floor. Miz hobbles back down to a big pop and goes for the briefcase. Mysterio cuts him off and gets booed. Mysterio powerbombs Miz to the crown. Del Rio cuts off Mysterio from getting the briefcase. Mysterio says “fuck that” and knocks him down. Del Rio climbs the opposite side of the ladder. Mysterio hits him with the briefcase. Del Rio takes Mysterio’s mask off. A bunch of ladders fall over. Del Rio climbs back up and takes it in 15:52. Fun match, but nowhere near the Smackdown ladder match.

WrestleMania travel package advertisement.

Chicago!

Randy Orton/Christian hype video.

Josh Matthews interviews Alberto Del Rio, who is mad that he had to be in Money In The Bank after winning a #1 Contender Match a couple of weeks ago.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Randy Orton (c) vs. Christian. Orton can lose the title by DQ. Christian brings a chair into the ring in an attempt to get Orton to get himself DQ’d. Orton teases it, then throws the chair out of the ring. Christian shaves Orton. Orton decks him and kicks his ass. Christian fights back, but eats a clothesline. This is a heel crowd tonight. They’re booing Orton. Orton slides back into the ring to avoid a dive, then throws Christian into the steps. Back inside, Christian rallies and hits the diving elbow smash for 2. Christian beats on Orton for a time. Orton awesomely avoids Christian in the corner and gets a schoolboy for 2. Christian hits a spinebuster for 2. Orton counters the Killswitch and clotheslines Christian, sending them both to the floor. Back inside, Orton gets a jackknife hold for 2, then hits a Lou Thesz press. Orton goes for the DDT OF MURDER, but Christian counters. Christian dives at Orton, but gets caught with a dropkick. Cover gets 2. Orton goes for a superplex, but Christian knocks him down and hits a diving headbutt for 2. Orton makes a comeback, but Christian cuts him off and hits the Killswitch for 2. Christian goes for a spear, but Orton leapfrogs him and hits a swank gutwrench into a neckbreaker. Orton goes for the punt, misses, and hits a powerslam. He hits the DDT OF MURDER on the second try, then humps the mat. Christian spits in Orton’s face. Orton gets pissed off and beats on him. Orton kicks Christian straight in the balls to cause the DQ and lose the title in 12:19. Christian is crowned champion. Orton kicks his ass at ringside. Teddy Long comes down to try to settle Orton down. Orton gives Christian the RKO on the Spanish announce table. Orton starts to leave, then comes back down to a big pop and gives Christian another RKO on the table.

Skittles commercial.

SummerSlam commercial again.

John Cena/CM Punk hype video.

CM Punk comes out to an insanely loud hero’s welcome in his home town. Cena comes out to the loudest fucking boos I’ve ever heard. He’s all business tonight and even has the belt around his waist.

WWE Championship Match: John Cena (c) vs. CM Punk. They lock up and trade holds. Cena ducks a high kick. Man, this crowd is hot. Cena gets a takedown. They trade holds some more. Punk hits a big hip toss and gets a side headlock takeover. They counters each others’ finish. Punk lands some kicks. Cena hits a bulldog headlock for 2, then grabs a headlock and works it. Punk escapes and gets a 2 count. There’s a high pitched “LET’S GO CENA” chant alternating with a much deeper “CENA SUCKS!” chant. Cena hits a Fisherman suplex for 2. Lawler just said he didn’t think there was a single Cena fan in the arena, so he didn’t just hear those loud ass chants. Punk hits a DDT for 2, then applies a headscissors. Punk escapes an Attitude Adjustment predicament and throws Cena to the floor. Punk sets Cena in the apron and hits a diving enzui knee drop! Back inside, cover gets 2. Cena goes for the STF and fails. Punk clamps on a rear chin lock. Punk hits a diving cross body to Cena’s knee for 2. Cena sells the knee. Punk tries to suplex Cena in from the apron, but Cena suplexes Punk to the floor! Back inside, cover gets 2. Cena hits an elbow drop for 2. Cena hits a nifty suplex/powerslam for 2. Punk lands some punches to big cheers. Cena locks in an abdominal stretch to boos. Punk escapes with a hip toss. Double knockdown spot. Cena starts his comeback, but Punk catches him with a schoolboy for 2. Cena concludes his comeback and goes for the “You can’t see me” gesture, but Punk kicks him in the head, knocks him to the floor, and hits a tope suicida! Back inside, Punk goes for the springboard lariat, but Cena avoids it. Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Punk sort of lands on his feet and lands a flurry of kicks for 2. Punk goes for the Go 2 Sleep. Cena counters into a gutwrench suplex for 2. Punk counters the Attitude Adjustment and hits 2 knee strikes and a bulldog headlock. Punk hits the springboard lariat for 2. Punk lands more kicks. Cena locks in the STF. Punk gets a rope break. Punk kills Cena with a high kick for 2. Punk hits a diving cross body. Cena rolls through, lifts him, and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Punk counters and goes for the Go 2 Sleep. Cena counters into the STF again. Punk escapes and locks in the Anaconda Vice! Cena fights out and hits the Attitude Adjustment for 2. Cena comes off the top rope, but Punk sort of counters into a sit-out powerbomb for 2. Punk signals for the Go 2 Sleep. He goes for it, but Cena drops to the apron and pulls Punk’s head across the top rope. Cena hits the diving Fameasser for 2. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment again, and PUNK KICKS OUT AGAIN! Cena tries to set up a SUPER ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT, but Punk clubbers Cena’s head with elbows! Punk hits a top rope Frankensteiner. Cena rolls to the ropes. Punk hits the running knee and the Go 2 Sleep, but only catches Cena in the middle. Cena falls out of the ring. Punk throws Cena back in the ring. Vince McMahon and Johnny Ace come out. Cena locks Punk in the STF. Vince tries to call for the bell. He sends Ace to do his bidding, but Cena decks him. Cena yells at Vince that he can win this himself. He goes after Punk, but Punk catches him and hits the Go 2 Sleep for the pin to win the title at 33:44. Great pro wrestling match right here, kids. Punk celebrates with the belt. Vince looks almost as morose as Dana White did after Brock Lesnar lost the UFC Heavyweight title. Vince takes King’s headset and yells at someone to send Alberto Del Rio out here. Del Rio runs out. Punk kills him with a high kick. Punk blows Vince a kiss and leaves through the crowd with his belt. What will happen next as the WWE Universe Turns?

CM Punk is sitting Indian style in the ring. We’re LIVE from Chicago. He cuts a promo about Randy Orton. He blames the New Nexus for their own misfortunes. They show Punk’s attack on Orton at Orton’s bus last week. He says he’ll close this chapter at Mania. Randy Orton limps out with his knee taped up. They brawl. Orton hits the DDT OF MURDER and humps the mat despite his injured knee. Orton goes for the punt, but his knee gives out and Punk escapes. He realizes that this would be a good time to take advantage of a wounded opponent and returns to the ring to taunt him, then kicks him in the injured knee. Punk delivers the Go 2 Sleep.

Tonight, The Undertaker and Triple H will face off! So will John Cena, The Miz, and The Rock.

Edge and Christian meet up backstage. Edge talks about the stupidity of Teddy Long saying he can’t touch Alberto Del Rio on Smackdown, but the iBooker says he can. Commercials.

WWE Rewind: Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio from Smackdown.

Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay. Del Rio & Clay are of course introduced by Ricardo Rodriguez. Edge and Clay start. Clay is awesome at beating and being beaten. Edge and Christian make quick tags and try to work Clay’s arm over. They bundle him out of the ring and Christian gos for a dive. Clay catches him, but Edge knocks him down with a baseball slide dropkick. Commercials. Del Rio works Christian’s arm, having gained the advantage during the break. Del Rio and Clay keep the heat going on Christian. Edge gets the hot tag and runs wild. Edge goes for the spear on Clay, but Del Rio trips him from the outside. Christian attacks Del Rio, who whips him into the barricade. Edge spears Clay for the pin in 8:15. The match was fine. Del Rio puts Christian in the cross armbreaker in the aisle. Edge chases Del Rio out of the building. Edge goes back to check on Christian. Del Rio attacks him from behind and puts him in the cross armbreaker.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are in a bar in New Jersey. Commercials.

Sin Cara vignette.

Chicago!

WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are backstage with an upside down WWE logo.

The iBooker dings in. Lawler believes this will be a good chance to fuck with Cole, but Cole, who routinely leaves the Cole Mine, now stays securely inside and reads the e-mail from his iPad. Cole announcers Lawler vs. Jack Swagger for tonight.

WWE Tag Team Champion Justin Gabriel (w/ WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett, WWE Tag Team Champion Heath Slater, & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella (w/ The Big Show, Kane, Vladimir Kozlov, & Tamina). These guys will have an 8-man tag at Mania. They lock up and wrestle a bit. Slater distracts Santino. Gabriel lands a spin kick for 2. Gabriel cranks on Santino’s arm. Santino throws him off and makes his comeback. Santino frighters Slater with the Cobra. Kane decks Slater. Kozlov trips Gabriel behind the referee’s back. Show and Kane take out the rest of the Corre at ringside. Santino hits the Cobra for the pin in 1:52. There ya go. All of the babyfaces celebrate jovially.

Plug for WWE All Stars, a very silly looking game.

Triple H is headed our way! Commercials.

Keri Hilson will perform America The Beautiful at WrestleMania. Never heard of her.

The Undertaker comes out. So does Triple H. So does Shawn Michaels. Michaels apologizes for interrupting, then proceeds to hype up the match. Michaels is mad that Triple H thinks he can do what Michaels couldn’t. Triple H says Michaels has gone soft. He talks about Undertaker’s dedication and says that’s why he chose to pattern himself after Taker. Triple H has this really great bit about how he and Shawn made a pact to tell each other when it was time to leave, and now he’s telling Taker it’s time for him to leave out of respect. Taker says if he ever needed someone to put him down, he’d want it to be Triple H, but it’s not time for that yet. He says he and the streak will both survive Mania. Taker talks about how Michaels failed twice despite his greatness and that is now humbled. He sort of shoves Michaels. Michaels goes for the superkick. Undertaker catches it and goes for the chokeslam. Triple H breaks it up and stares down Taker. He tells Shawn to tell Taker why he will beat him at Mania. Shawn leaves instead. Triple H calls out to him. Shawn looks back and says “You can’t win.” Taker tips his hat to Triple H and leaves. Fucking great segment.

Tonight a face off between Cena, Rock, and Miz that won’t be in the same universe as the one we just saw. Commercials.

Jack Swagger (w/ Michael Cole) vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler. Lawler comes out to new music that sucks compared to the music he’s always used in WWE. Cole gets on the apron. Lawler lunges for him. Swagger jumps Cole and beats him up. Swagger sends Lawler outside and throws him over the barricade so he can pose uninterrupted. Lawler clocks Swagger with a chair to cause the DQ in 1:16, then several more times to boot. He goes after Cole, who hides in the Cole Mine, so Lawler hits the Cole Mine, then tries to climb into it. He’s held back by Cole’s security. Cole throws liquid on him, then talks shit from the safety of his box.

Tonight, Cena/Rock/Miz stuff. Commercials.

Slam of the Week: John Morrison & Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler, LayCool, & Vickie Guerrero from last week, where Morrison did the job for Vickie Guerrero. Yes. That happened.

Vickie Guerrero comes out to be obnoxious and do John Morrison poses. I fast forward through her screaming with her nails on a chalkboard voice.

WWE United States Champion Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) vs. John Morrison & Daniel Bryan. Sheamus beats up Morrison. One of Morrison’s best roles is getting his ass kicked by Sheamus. Morrison decks Ziggler on the apron. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2. Commercials. Morrison continues playing face in peril. Bryan tags in and locks Ziggler in the LeBell Lock. Sheamus kicks Bryan in the back of the head, then tags in and kills Bryan with a Polish Hammer. Morrison saves. Ziggler accosts Morrison and gets dropped with a Pele Kick. Sheamus sends Morrison outside. Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock. Sheamus counters, then avoids Bryan in the corner and hits the Razor’s Edge for the pin in 6:15. What the showed of it was pretty fun.

Earlier tonight, stuff went down between Randy Orton and CM Punk.

Randy Orton ices his injured knee backstage. Scott Stanford asks him if he’ll make it to Mania. He says he’ll make it there, but Punk won’t make it out.

The Rock comes out. He talks about how his first WrestleMania match was in this building. He goes on with his promo, the highlight of which is when he calls John Cena “a homeless Power Ranger.” Cena comes out and talks to Rock for a while. They get mad at each other and act like they’re gonna fight. WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley come out. Miz babbles for a while. Rock says it doesn’t matter what Miz thinks. Miz and Riley jump The Rock. Cena has disappeared. Rock makes his own comeback, knocks Riley out of the ring, and DDTs Miz and gives him the People’s Elbow, then throws him out of the ring. Cena comes back in and gives Rock the Attitude Adjustment.

Tyler Reks vs. Chris Masters. They do a bit of wrestling. Masters lands a shoulder block. Reks gets a side headlock takeover, then lands a shoulder block of his own. Masters throws Reks out of the ring. Reks throws a fit outside. Back inside, Masters lands a shoulder block and goes for the Master Lock. Reks escapes and takes out the leg that was injured last week on Smackdown. Reks goes to work on the leg. Masters fights back and back body drops Reks to the floor. Insta-commercials. Reks works on Masters’ leg for a while. Masters gets a schoolboy for 2, then hits a Samoan Drop. Masters makes his comeback. Spinebuster gets 2. Masters falls down because of his bad leg. Reks hits a Complete Shot for 2. Masters counters a short lariat and locks in the Master Lock for the referee stop (6:39 shown). Fine little match.

From Smackdown: The Corre beat down The Big Show and Kane. Tomorrow, Wade Barrett challenges Kofi Kingston for the Intercontinental Championship!

Tonight, mixed tag!

Scott Stanford and Josh Matthews are now the announcers. Justin Roberts is now the ring announcer.

Great Khali & Yoshi Tatsu vs. Jimmy & Jey Uso. Khali is bandaged up from the beating he took on Raw from The Miz last week. Yoshi and Jimmy go at it. Yoshi hits a very wonky cradle out the corner for 2, then hits some arm drags. Usos cut Yoshi off and get the heat on him. Khali gets the lukewarm tag and… he doesn’t run wild, but he stumbles wild. Khali hits the Punjabi Plunge (tree slam) on Jimmy for the pin in 3:57. Yoshi worked the whole match, so it was fine.

Tonight, mixed tag!

WrestleMania hype.

The main event is next!

Daniel Bryan & Gail Kim vs. Tyson Kidd & Melina. Gail and Melina lock up. Melina backs Gail into the corner and cheap shots her. They do some shit. Gail gets a sunset flip for 2. Gail hits a neckbreaker and tags Bryan in. Bryan launches Gail onto Melina, then lifts her for a dropkick to Kidd. Bryan gives Kidd a dropkick of his own for 2. Bryan works Kidd’s arm. Kidd lands a dropkick to the head and puts a beating on Bryan. Kidd backs Bryan into the heel corner and beats on him. Melina chokes Bryan behind the referee’s back. Kidd continues to choking with his boot. Kidd goes for the Sharpshooter. Bryan counters and goes for the LeBell Lock. Kidd gets the ropes. Melina slaps Bryan. Gail takes her out. Bryan hits Kidd with a running knee off the apron. Gail hits Melina with a diving cross body to the floor. Insta-commercials. Bryan beats up Kidd. Kidd tags out. Gail comes in and beats up Melina. Gail applies a stretch muffler. Melina escapes and does a Matrix dodge to avoid a cross body. Melina gets the heat on Gail. Melina goes for the Hog Log, but Gail counters. Melina hits her with a split kick for 2. Melina applies a wonky submission hold and turns into a Gedo Clutch for 2. Gail turns into sort of a surfboard, then turns it into a Gedo Clutch for 2. Double “drive each others’ face into the mat” spot. Bryan and Kidd tag in. Bryan runs wild. Clothesline gets 2. Bryan lands a high kick and goes up top. Melina crotches him. Gail takes out Melina. Kidd springs up to attack Bryan, but is pushed down. Bryan and Gail hit stereo missile dropkicks. Bryan locks in the LeBell Lock for the win (9:06 shown). Fun match. Bryan and Gail celebrate.

Justin Roberts introduces Jim Ross. Michael Cole comes out in a fat suit and a cowboy hat. I already hate this show. Cole throws the hat at Jerry Lawler and scampers into the Cole Mine for safety. Cole, Lawler, and Josh Matthews are the announcers.

Triple H comes out to cut a promo about his match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania. He asks Undertaker to show up on Raw next week. He talks more about how one of them is going to die at Mania. After the promo, Ted Dibiase Jr. comes out to talk about how far his star has fallen. He wants to take out Triple H so people will notice him. Triple H kicks his ass, throws him into stuff, and beats him with a chair. Pedigree through the announce table. This had absolutely no purpose besides burying Dibiase even further under the Earth.

Tonight, John Cena responds to the Miz live via satelitte. Are you fucking serious? Also, The Miz is “rewriting Miz-story.” Ugh. Commercials.

Non-Title: WWE United States Champion Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne. Sheamus is good and pissed off, probably because he got the jobber entrance, and beats up Bourne. Bourne avoids Sheamus in the corner, then kicks him in the face. Bourne goes for the Shooting Star press, but crashes and burns when Sheamus avoids it. Sheamus hits the brogue kick for the pin in 1:23. There ya go. Sheamus says he’s the United States Champion of America. Former United States Champion of America Daniel Bryan comes out and says he wants his rematch at WrestleMania. Sheamus throws him the belt and drops him with the brogue kick. So Bryan is getting buried too.

Non-Title: Maryse vs. WWE Divas Champion Eve Torres. Maryse prances around and poses. Eve facetiously claps. They get into a cat fight. Maryse rams Eve’s face into stuff. Eve avoids a charge and Maryse hits her leg on the rope. Michael Cole starts talking over the match again, calling for it to end. I actually agree with him, but feel sorry for the divas. Eve goes for a standing moonsault, but Maryse gets her knees up. Maryse goes for a neckbreaker, but Eve counters into her neckbreaker drop for the pin in 2:20. Terrible. Cole is happy it’s over, and so am I. Eve tries to get at Cole in the Cole Mine, but of course Cole has security there to protect him from women and old announcers. Eve manages to slap Cole’s arm. Cole talks shit while security takes her away.

Non-Title: WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater of The Corre (w/ Wade Barrett & Ezekiel Jackson) vs. Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov (w/ Tamina). I’ve seen this match 700 times and it’s never been good. Santino and Gabriel do some shit. Santino threatens Slater with the Cobra. Gabriel drops Santino with a kick for 2. Slater tags in and works over Santino. Kozlov gets the tag and runs wild. Barrett distracts Kozlov. Slater hits a reverse DDT. Gabriel tags in and hits the 450 splash on Kozlov for the pin in 1:50. At least it’s over. Or not. The Corre beat down Santino & Kozlov. The Big Show and Kane make the save. Kane throws Gabriel into the barricade. Show gives Slater the KO punch. Kane and Show hit a double chokeslam on Jackson. Show shakes hands with Santino and Kozlov.

John Cena live via satellite next. Commercials.

The Rock will be here next week.

Pittsburgh!

Highlights of Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio last week. Cena was beaten down by Del Rio, Brodus Clay, and then The Miz who was dressed up as The Rock.

The announcers talk to John Cena via satellite.

Cole gets out of his cage to be obnoxious. He promises to be obnoxious more next. Commercials.

Michael Cole and Jack Swagger prance around the ring like fairies together. Swagger stands in front of the announce table. Cole talks shit about Lawler. They show Brian Christopher being a snot nosed little bastard to his dad last week. Cole says Christopher gave him the Lawler family photo album. They show pictures of Lawler’s family on the big screen while Cole makes fun of them. Lawler has finally had enough and gets up from the table. Swagger jumps him, but Lawler kicks ass and chases Cole around the ring. Swagger clotheslines Lawler and Cole scampers away into the Cole Mine for safety. Swagger pushes Lawler’s face into the cage while Cole talks shit. Swagger puts Lawler in the ankle lock. With Lawler safely down, Cole takes over. I can’t wait to see Lawler pound Cole’s face in at Mania.

WrestleMania Rewind Match: Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio Jr. Mysterio tries a go behind. Orton elbows him in the face. They go back and forth a bit. Orton lands a European uppercut from his knees, which looks to be about the right height to hit Mysterio. Orton slides Mysterio out of the ring and throws him back in, so that was pretty pointless. Cover gets 2. Orton continues the offensive with a rear chin lock. Mysterio hits the diving seated senton. Orton hits the powerslam and goes for the DDT OF MURDER. Mysterio counters and goes for the 619. Orton counters and hits the DDT OF MURDER. CM Punk appears on the screen. He’s at Orton’s bus. He says he’s going to go in and meet Orton’s wife. Orton runs to the back and presumable gets counted out. He makes it to the bus, where Punk hits him with a wrench. Orton’s wife screams, then looks oddly turned on by Punk, then calls for help. I guess the match is a no-contest in about 4 minutes. Shame.

Miz’s thing is next. Commercials.

Undertaker, Triple H, and The Rock will all be here next week.

Alex Riley is in the ring. He’s been rehired as Miz’s “Vice President of Corporate Communications.” He introduces WWE Champion The Miz, who comes out without the belt. He blathers for a while. He turns the WWE log upside down so it looks like Ms instead of Ws, because his name is Miz. He’s done the same with the belt. John Cena appears on the tron and makes fun of him. Geeks take away Cena’s “walls” to reveal he’s actually in the arena. That was really fucking stupid. Cena hits the ring to fight. Miz runs away. Cena puts Riley in the STF. Repeatedly.

The Rock appears on the screen pretending to talk to President Obama on the phone. John Cena’s music plays. A kid dressed like Cena appears in Rock’s office. Rock has a talk with “Cena,” makes him cry, and gives him some Fruity Pebbles. Rock then cuts a serious promo on The Miz.

Trish Stratus chats with Snooki backstage.

Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, and Jerry Lawler are the announcers. Cole is in a plexiglass box. Justin Roberts is the ring announcer.

WWE Champion The Miz comes out. They show his various recent attacks on John Cena. Miz cuts a promo on The Rock. iBooker dings in. Cole leaves the Cole Mine to read it, so what’s the point of the Cole Mine? Lawler punks him down and reads it himself. Tonight, there are to be 2 never before seen matches: Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio and Miz vs. Great Khali, the latter of which is next. Commercials

Non-Title: WWE Champion The Miz vs. Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh). Miz goes on the attack. Khali lightly shoves him down. Khali beats up Miz, who looks like a midget by comparison. Khali applies the head vice. Miz gets a rope break. Alex Riley appears and attacks Khali to cause the DQ in 1:10. Khali gives Riley the crown chop and the tree slam. Miz wears out Khali with a chair. So let me get this straight: THE WWE CHAMPION, 3 WEEKS BEFORE WRESTLEFREAKINGMANIA, COULDN”T BEAT THE GREAT FUCKING KHALI? It’s not like Khali has any fucking credibility anyway, since the last time he was on Raw he was doing the stupid kiss cam. Miz DDTs Khali on the chair.

WWE United States Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) (w/ Gail Kim) vs. Sheamus. Sheamus promised to quit if he lost, but he seems to be having second thoughts about that. They lock up and wrestle a bit. Sheamus hits a shoulder block for 0. Bryan back flips over Sheamus and hits a drop toe hold. He goes for the LeBell Lock, but Sheamus rolls to the apron. Bryan kicks him off and lands a tope suicida. Back inside, Bryan hits a missile dropkick for 2. Sheamus bails. Commercials. Sheamus has Bryan in a neck crank, having gained the advantage during the break. Sheamus beats on Bryan. Sheamus lands a knee lift for 2. Bryan catches an inside cradle for 2, then back body drops Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus sells a leg injury like he did last week. Sheamus makes it back in. The referre stands in Bryan’s way. Sheamus goes for the brogue kick, but Bryan ducks and locks in the LeBell Lock. Sheamus gets a rope break. Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge, but Bryan counters into a cradle for 2. They trade elbows. Bryan lands a flurry of kicks for 2. Bryan goes up top and dives. Sheamus kills him in midair with the brogue kick for the pin in 8:59 to win the title. Fun match, even if the Bryan mark in me is a little bummed he lost the title.

Slam of the Week: Last week, Michael Cole introduced JBL as his WrestleMania referee, but Stone Cold Steve Austin intervened and signed on for the job. Also, beer was poured on Michael Cole, which was awesome.

Michael Cole is obnoxious, then introduces his guest, Lawler’s son Brian Christopher. Christopher comes out dancing to the old Too Cool music and looking older than his dad. The crowd does not give a fuck. Christopher talks about what a shitty dad Lawler was. Lawler retorts about what a fuck up Christopher is. Christopher asks Lawler how he feels about Christopher competing at WrestleMania before him, then shoves and slaps his dad. He says he never used Lawler’s name because he’s ashamed of him. Cole starts to shit talk Lawler again. “Boomer Sooner” plays and Jim Ross comes out! Cole shit talks JR. They banter for a bit. Cole continues talking shit, then Ross acts like he wants to fight. Jack Swagger appears from somewhere and jumps Lawler, then beats up JR and puts him in the ankle lock. Lawler wakes up to make the save. Cole jumps on his back. Swagger knocks Lawler down and puts him in the ankle lock. Cole puts JR in the ankle lock.

Tonight, Cena vs. Del Rio! It could be a big money drawing match in 6 months to a year, so of course they’re giving it away free with no build! Orton vs. Ryan is next. Commercials.

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan (w/ CM Punk). Punk watches from the stage since he isn’t allowed at ringside. They lock up, then brawl. Ryan hits a backbreaker for 2. Ryan hits 2 more backbreakers for 2, so an extra backbreaker does not equal an extra count. Ryan applies a bear hug. Ryan hits a side Rock Bottom for 2. He goes for it again. Orton hits the RKO for the pin in 3:00. At least it’s over. Punk can’t have Nexus fight his battle for him at WrestleMania. Orton stares at Punk for a while, then returns to the ring and punts Ryan, then humps the mat while glaring at Punk. Punk backs away in fear.

Trish Stratus and Snooki are walking backstage. Zack Ryder hits on Snooki, who approves of his abs. Commercials.

Snooki comes out. She’s not nearly as obnoxious as that parody of her in TNA. She says Trish Stratus will shut up Vickie Guerrero. She leaves to sit at ringside. Vickie comes out and is obnoxious.

No DQ Match: Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus. Vickie does jumping jacks and football exercises. Trish schoolgirls her for 2. Dammit. Trish pie faces Vickie. Vickie bails and runs around the ring. Trish chases her back in. Vickie cackles and tries to use a shoe as a sword, then throws it. Who throws a shoe, honestly? Trish spanks Vickie with her own shoe. Dolph Ziggler runs in. John Morrison hits the ring and takes him out, then hits him with a dive. Michelle McCool and Layla appear and attack Trish. Michelle kicks Trish with the loaded boot. Vickie covers and gets the pin while LayCool sit on her back in 2:27. So Vickie has a job. Fuck. All of the obnoxious women are obnoxious together. McCool talks shit to Snooki, who is very short. McCool shoves Snooki. Snooki pulls her down face first into the apron, then attacks Layla in the ring. Trish stops McCool from making the save. Vickie throws a fit. The heels escape. Ugh. Vickie challenges Morrison, Trish, & Snooki to face Ziggler & LayCool at WrestleMania. Snooki agrees. Joy.

Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) vs. John Cena. They lock up. Del Rio takes Cena down with a side headlock. Del Rio hits a shoulder block. Cena makes a comeback. Cole insists that The Rock is here. Commercials 5 minutes into the overrun. Del Rio lands a dropkick for 2. Cena turns a headlock in a backdrop suplex. Double clothesline spot. They trade punches. Cena makes his standard comeback and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Brodus Clay attacks Cena to cause the DQ in 7:19. The Rock’s music plays, but it’s The Miz wearing a very believable skin cap. Miz, Del Rio, and Clay beat down Cena. Miz hits the Rock Bottom. Okay, now I can see the outlines on the skin cap. Del Rio gives Cena an enzuigiri. Clay delivers a fall away slam. Miz does The Rock’s corner pose, then takes off the stupid skin cap and goes outside to ram Cena’s back into the post. Miz hits Cena with a microphone and talks shit to him. Miz suplexes Cena on the stage, then picks him up. Cena fights back and goes for the Attitude Adjustment. Miz counters and DDTs Cena on the stage, then throws him into the set, then gives him the Skull Crushing Finale.