Fact: men don’t need relationships as badly

April 9, 2015

Do not allow gender equality, political correctness, and other wishful thinking prevent you from seeing what you and everyone else know deep down inside.

Everyone needs to bond. Including men. But women need it more. It’s obvious. Women are more prone to attaching themselves emotionally than men are. In general. There are some exceptions and we all know about them. The sweet, sensitive guy who got picked on in school. The tough chick who does one night stands without feeling anything.

But aside from these exceptions, for the most part it’s true. Women are bestowed the extra emotional element due to having to mother when they have babies. It’s biology.

Until you accept this fact of life, you will have a hard time letting a guy chase you.

Why do I say that?

Because if you think men need relationships as badly as women do, then you will justify initiating contact, verbalizing your interest, and making it easy for him to be in a relationship with you. You will actively look for signs of interest and justify them. Sadly, none of this works. It does the OPPOSITE of what you want.

Even if you’re skeptical of my premise, for your own good you absolutely MUST assume he doesn’t need a relationship with you as badly as you do, in order to proceed with the steps I outline in the EGuides credibly and effectively.

That is why he must chase you and win you over

That is, if you want to know for sure he is interested in you so you can reciprocate appropriately without desperation. Without his pursuit — when as a man he needs a relationship less than you do — guess what? He is even LESS INTERESTED than a woman who turns a man down. Do you understand the nuance?

Pursuing you equalizes things. It indicates an increase of his need for you. When he initiates contact and takes you out, his need for you is on par with your need for him.

When you pursue him, you are doubling your need for him when he remains at zero. Hardly fair and terribly unfortunate for you. Don’t do this to yourself.

A man’s priority

A man’s most important accomplishment in life is NOT a relationship but his career, job, or fulfillment of some ambition. Only after he achieves such things will he say his marriage is the most important accomplishment in his life. Or his children.

But take away his career, his job, his salary, and he will be the most miserable you’ve ever seen and withdraw from his relationships. More unhappy than had he lost his marriage and kept his career.

So even if a man SAYS his relationship or marriage is the most important thing (and you find lots of men saying this publicly), how he would typically react to job loss or financial loss proves it’s not always true.

It all makes perfect sense!

That a guy may not be as relentlessly pursuing you and making you official.

Until he does get that job, get that raise, reach the pinnacle of his career or some other goal in mind, that will be his biggest focus and concern. Getting a girlfriend and keeping a girlfriend, while important, will not be THE MOST IMPORTANT endeavor. This may not change even after marriage.

That is why when dating or a relationship becomes problematic for a man, it seems he is able to let it go. It seems he can move on. He might have difficulty doing so because he is still emotionally attached, but because by nature, he feels he has yet to accomplish the most important thing in his life, he is compelled to not invest in a relationship as much as a woman might want him to.

So he is not going to be as beholden of a relationship as you are. Pure and simple.

A man has to actualize himself

Yes, he does. And you don’t want him not to. He needs to find himself. Know who he is and go after what he wants in life. Without doing this, he is lost, unhappy, emasculated, unempowered, and can’t pursue a woman and maintain a relationship.

And this makes sense when you think about it. Most women (at least those who have some measure of self-esteem and aren’t desperate) do not want a dud. They want a guy who can provide (i.e., is accomplished). They don’t want to date a guy who sits around the house all day and can’t keep a job.

So, when a man is being a man, he is being who you want him to be. Don’t fight it. You won’t win this one.

Now this doesn’t mean a guy won’t pursue you until after he has met his first priority. It just means he won’t be treating the relationship the same way you do, be as worried about it, and be as attentive to the details, etc.

Don’t fight what you can’t change. Work with it. Find ways to navigate around the whole thing that benefit YOU.

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I don;t think that women need relationships *more* than men and the sensitive guy and the tough chick aren’t the only exceptions. It is just that women tend to get more emotionally involved and attached compared to men, who can be very focused on the physical and detach themselves if their needs are met. But this happens usually when women end up sleeping with men.

This doesn’t change my belief in your advice on men doing the pursuing but I think it is disrespectful to suggest that women *need* relationships more than men do.

Studies have repeatedly shown that men benefit more from marriage, gaining in health and number of years of life. Men often have no other person to confide in other than their wife, which makes men more dependent on marriage emotionally–whether or not they admit it.

If women place undue importance on relationships it is because that is how patriarchal societies have defined their place–always someone’s mother, sister, daughter, wife–never a woman with her own identity. Also, woman’s greatest a”achievement” is advertised by society as a wedding ring and husband and family but that doesn’t mean that is what most women want and believe.

Plenty of women have careers and care deeply about them. Many women give back to society in various forms even if they don’t have regular careers. And many have better things to do than think about men all the time.

It is usually the women who are bogged down by society’s pressures and who have nothing else going on in their lives who want relationships more. This might even include highly successful career women. These are women who have no sense of identity besides the men in their lives and often that is because of how they were raised.

But there is nothing “biological” about it–they are socialized that way. The biological aspect kicks in is when women get attached to men who sleep with them because of oxytocin release (which doesn’t happen as much in men). That is why it is better to hold out until the man commits and is emotionally involved.

I give practical advice based on the observations I make, and from everything I see, it just looks like women place more of an importance on relationships than men do. If you interpret that as being disrespectful, then that’s a value judgment you’re making that doesn’t have to be, in my opinion.

Prioritizing relationships doesn’t have to be bad or good. If it occurs, then it occurs. Things that occur don’t have intent. How you feel about it is a personal issue. A guy can come along and feel it’s disrespectful to say men don’t prioritize relationships as much as women do. I myself don’t see a plus or minus in being one way or the other, any more than one’s favorite color is purple as opposed to blue.

The causes leading up to this prioritization can be a debate on nature vs nurture, but for the purposes of dating, my advice is to first, work with what is and what we have, however unpalatable and uncomfortable for the modern woman, not what SHOULD BE in an ideal world. Second, give advice based on that reality, however harsh, so obstacles can be overcome and unnecessary suffering is avoided.

What happens if your career, job, and ambitions are also more important to you than marriage, a man, or children? I find I am in this category. Sometimes I wake up for a moment and realize that I have spent too little time looking for love and that I am alone

If marriage is just as important to you, then you’ll have to compromise. Make time and room in your life to meet men and be in a relationship. You don’t have to give up your career completely, but you do have to choose how to spend your time.

It all depends if you think it’s worth doing. Some women with busy careers do have husbands but because the couples don’t spend enough time on their marriage, it can fall apart. If you want something lasting and meaningful, it will need your attention and time, from the very beginning.

A marriage itself is like a job. Highly rewarding when it works, but it is certainly not a machine that hums along by itself seamlessly once you tie the knot. It is compared to keeping a garden. You have to tend to it all the time. Neglect results in nothing growing except weeds.

So you have to take all of this into consideration when deciding if you want to spend your time and energy to focus on a relationship. I suggest you pursue what you find enjoyable. Even if you don’t end up with a husband, you can still have a good time dating and going out. Make the journey fun.

Do you think there’s a special reason why artists, highly creative people, and people with increasingly difficult childhoods are more likely to not follow your ‘rules’ , and these women, who feel deeply, and have already suffered a lot of pain may make the mistakes again and again?

I actually don’t know what is better though, to guard your heart carefully and not open it to any man but the one you’re 100% safe with and have proved himself (I can really doubt that there’s love without taking any risk though), or, to want to endure the drama, to have passion, deep love and then possibly deep hurt (which means you were not 100% sure about the man but you took the risk). After all, we’re all human, and I am not sure who is the luckier – the person who loved deeply and then turns out the man didn’t love her that much, or to have a stable and calm life with few highs and few lows but possibly more ‘boring’. Or are these mutually exclusive at all? I would want an exciting life but avoid the disappointment, and I am so conscious about this that I can barely take any risks myself. 😀 So I consider myself the ‘stable’ kind, but I need a bit of excitement. It is such a huge dilemma for me.

So what is the reason why artsy people are much less likely to have stable relationships ? They have so many highs and lows I just can’t even understand how they can endure all those emotions without going crazy. Sorry about stereotyping, but this is just my experience. I have found that the more creative, artsy a person is, the more likely to be kinda unstable. Maybe I’m totally wrong though. Can anyone please comment on these things? Do you consider yourself the stable kind or the excitement seeker? I’m sure a balance of both would be the best.

Well, while artsy types may be more emotional, stoic types may also be ready to combust at anytime with the right trigger. Who’s got it easier or has a more interesting life does depend on the individual. The steady, stable type might not like all that excitement if it means too much risk. The artsy type might sometimes need instability to feel more alive. Everyone is attracted to the things that they believe make them happier.

Also, when we talk about types, we are basing it all on how other people look to us. Some might be happy with the way they are and some not, and they have to live with how they are.

Whatever you choose to do, you have to see if it outweighs what you dislike. So if you’re prone to being risk-averse and are bored, you have to understand that to experience life fully, there will always be some risk level. Find out what the risks are and see if you can take precautions to minimize them. And see if you can handle them if you do encounter risk. Have a backup plan.

Be aware that not all risks are known and documented where you can look them up online. Life happens to you in spite of all the preparations in the world. You can’t foresee everything — and if you did, you’d probably never leave your house.

Every habit begins with doing something over and over. This can become a lifestyle, where you take less and less risk due to holding on to the fears of “what if”. Don’t become trapped by your fear of the unknown, because like I said, if you did know everything, you’d lose all motivation.

What does this all mean? It means living is not about knowing and being completely prepared for EVERYTHING. Life is about experiencing things in childlike wonder, or there is no joy. That is why adults, not children, are the ones who are bitter.

It is also not about the destination and arrival at a goal. That part is only experienced momentarily, believe it or not. Remember when you couldn’t wait to buy that thing you saw in the store or achieve something? When you got what you wanted, how long was it before it no longer gave you that thrill? Probably not long after, because you were probably already thinking about the next thing.

That is why, like they say, it’s about the journey. The journey is what you’re experiencing almost ALL of the time. You don’t want the journey of your life be experienced as fear of disappointment or pain, but inspiration and delicious anticipation.

It sounds like fear might be entrapping you and paralyzing you in some way. I believe you CAN get out of being on the sidelines longing for excitement. It’s totally possible. How about starting with something mild or small that you can handle? The way I see it is sometime in the future, our time on earth will be over. What can I do to make all the bad experiences (past, present, and future) worthwhile? By seeking and creating good experiences!

Keep in mind, there is no way you can avoid being disappointed in life. Life is not going to give you everything you need and want all the time. Nobody in the human race has ever been that lucky! Being disappointed now and then is actually not the worst thing. It’s being devastated that is hard. And even that isn’t the end of the world!

Remember, magical things can happen when you venture out sometimes, which always makes life more interesting and fun than you could ever plan or imagine.

What do you suggest for couples after break up on social media websites (i.e. Facebook)? Should they stay friends, or should a prize catch girlfriend always remove her ex (or a former suitor, who is not any more a suitor) from her Facebook friends?

I assume that a Prize Catch, after a man has claimed (or showed) no more interest (broke up with her, faded out, etc.), should remove the man among potential ‘suitors’, which means also removing him from Facebook friends list (if there was sexual attraction)? In order to remain elusive and mysterious, I’d assume that’s the right thing to do. 🙂 What if the girl is still hoping that in the future maybe she could win back the guy? Also, should one let the man know about ‘unfriending’ him?

I’d really appreciate a post on this (or similar) matter, about how to conduct ourselves on Social Media in order to remain the elusive, mysterious Prize Catch that we are in the real life. 🙂

P.s. I know that you have the e-guide specifically online dating, but that covers mainly dating websites, and not general social media profiles i.e. facebook, Instagram, etc that everyone is using irrespective of looking for a mate or not. For example, I think women are too much exposed these days through these websites i.e. Instagram and Facebook profiles. There’s nothing mysterious or classy when a woman puts up her bikini pictures of herself, or selfies from all possible angles every day. I don’t know what these girls think, honestly. If I was a guy, I would definitely not consider a girl with extensive social media habits a ”Prize Catch”. Am I wrong here? What is supposed to be the right Prize Catch conduct in this respect?

You should always do what is best for your peace of mind. If keeping him on your social media doesn’t distract you or stir up feelings, then that may be fine. As long as you intend on keeping him on your radar for the purpose of getting him back potentially, then yes, you won’t be a mystery.

Avoid friending guys for the sake of meeting suitors, that’s for sure.

This is 100% True. Women don’t get how men are obsessed with their jobs and status in life. Women are more concerned with there personal relationships. I am always tempted to initiate “little” greetings…like “liking” on FB. This is wrong, correct?

I agree….even “liking” his photos (when you are friends) seems like you are trying to get his attention and “pursuing” him. It is like you are trying to nudge him into paying attention to you. Best to not “like” unless it is a rare occurrence. I know it sounds extreme…but if you like a lot of his stuff he KNOWS you are into him. NO CHASE. We think it’s flirty…and it is..but not advantageous for “the chase”.

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