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February 23, 2012

The Crass and the Charming

You know, I have to give it to Brad Bell. When he sets out to crack us up, he does so effectively. At least I'm assuming that's what today's episode of The Bold & the Beautiful was intended to do, because I can't think of another motivation for what we got on our screens.

Actually, wait. I did think of one other possibility. It's certainly feasible that he thinks women are self-hating idiots and he's written this entire television show just to test out that bogus "all women claim they wanted to be treated well but they really only like assholes" theory constantly spouted by douchey men everywhere, and has therefore set out to make sure women are still drooling over one of his "hunky" lead male characters even in the face of his total, utter heinousness and misogyny.

But that possibility is depressing and infuriating, so I'm going with Option A, the one where Bill Spencer is such a colossal ass because it's really effing funny. Because it is. Really. Effing. Funny.

Some of Bill's stand-out points today:

"You know science has proven that men think about sex around 35 times an hour."

Got wine-drunk and fantasized that Brooke was lasciviously opening her shirt for him while in fact she was cleaning some spilled wine with her napkin:

(Katherine Kelly Lang and Don Diamont were an absolute riot in this absurd scene, I might add.)

Delivering the following pearls of wisdom to his idiot son: "The most important thing in a man's life, and listen carefully, is never to sleep alone. Women are forever telling us that we only want them for one thing -- and it is every man's duty to never let them know that they're right. It's the great leveler, the thing that makes cavemen of kings, and in the best case scenario, kings of cavemen. It is the one thing, the one thing, that puts us in touch with our primal instincts....And a day without it? Is a day that ain't worth living." (Damn! Katie must be exhausted. She also must be on one of those fancy birth control things that make you have your period once a year or whatever.)

Attempting to persuade Liam to go ahead and get laid during his engagement to Hope by demanding that Steffy, his wife, come over and "be a wife to him."

Forcing his annoying assy opinions onto his son who told him where to shove it a while back, apparently in a manner that changes nothing.

Oh, Bill. This whole thing cracked me up. I just really hope that was the intention. Really. Because it was hilarious.

As crappy as the storylines are, B&B has been a 20-year ego-boost for KKL; not a single man on the show has not fantasized about her at one point. Except for her own sons; but there is still time.

Screencaps are always appreciated, Louise! And I can't believe Bill actually said ALL those words about cavemen and every day sex. GAWD. Katie sure MUST be exhausted. (Sidenote: I have a friend who is on a type of birth control where she NEVER gets her period, and the nurse told her she can take them for as long as the wants to, i.e. nurse did not recommend a break after one year or after any amount of time. I still don't know how this is possible. This was a regular nurse at a regular clinic.).

You totally left out Rick! The guy who Bell is pairing Steffy up with next who - count em - killed her sister, slept with her mother, mentally abused her by warping her whole sense of being into his drama and saying "I own her ass" to Ridge - yet Ridge now has her working with her on the INTIMATES line? All because Ridge can't handle the pressure he pushes this 42 year old Rick onto 25 year old Steffy? The age difference doesn't matter but he was her uncle! Steffy grew up thinking and calling Rick - Uncle Rick. This show needs more MEN. What happens? A Casting call for a woman age 24 black or multi cultural to play a model. If there were more men on the show we wouldn't have these stupid triangles. I give up. Putting the abuser with his victim again when she's feeling low is sick.

@lisa - don't sweat it. we knew you meant kkl. and i'll chime in on that scene: I really wish they'd stop making her into a sex kitten. That scene brought home to me how OLD she is and how she isn't the brooke that was in the 1990s. STOP it! Let her age gracefully and stop with the steam rooms, the hints at the bedroom and candles with Ridge. We GET IT. As for Katie? Well, Bill's demanding in the board room, he'd be a demanding azz in the bedroom. No wonder he told Liam that Hope would say "I've got a headache" - is that Katie's only way out? Katie - secret - heavy carb dinner late and make sure you're in good w/his secretary so you can tell her to book an early appointment. Sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do ; )

Morgan, you crack me up! I wouldn't be surprised if that's what Katie indeed had to do! As for Brooke, I don't mind her being a sex kitten with Ridge (because older couples should also be allowed to have a sex life), but they really should stop it with the other men on the show. They could at least have a woman fantasize about her to mix it up a little. OMG, what if that were Steffy?!?!?!!! Like Steffy having a fantasy/nightmare with seductive Brooke in it....that would really freak her out, lol. Anyway, Bill is clearly obsessed with KKL smexiness!

Okay, some credit where credit is due: it took the show three years to have ol' Dollar Bill even think about Brooke, Goddess of Fertility and Sexuality and Insert Blaxploitation Music Here, in that way. That's downright unprecedented by Bell-A standards.

Rick killed Steffy's sister? When did that happen? It was an accident and Phoebe caused that accident. When was "poor" Steffy abused? Him being her uncle didnt bother her before, why would she be bothered now?