When I'm not pretending to be a harmless idiot by hanging from a tree branch by my Union Jack underpants, or being chased around a park by a British Bulldog, I'm busy issuing anti-European propaganda in the hope that my old friend David Cameron is forced to resign in the event of a failed Stay campaign, and I can have his job.

​Very soon, everyone in the UK will get a say over Britain's future in the European Union - and I'm here to tell you that if we leave, it's going to be great news for gamers. Here I've listed just some of the ways in which games will get better without those meddling Eurocrats sticking their baguettes in.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and speak to my scriptwriters about my next big comedy scrape: accidentally getting my head baked inside a Hovis, while a puffin nips at my calves!

ALL VIDEO GAMES TO END WITH 'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'.

Currently, video games conclude with a cut-scene and some credits, which are unlikely to show any sort of respect to our Monarch, Mrs The Queen. If we leave Europe, games will end properly: the way the telly used to finish at close-down, with the National Anthem.

If you do the right thing and vote Leave, we shall all be expected to do our patriotic duty by standing to attention and saluting Her Majesty whenever we complete a game. And then we shall be obliged to face towards Europe, and raise two fingers, while sneering and rolling our eyes.

IMMIGRANTS WILL NO LONGER BE ABLE TO GET INTO OUR COUNTRY ILLEGALLY VIA VIDEO GAMES.

Currently, video games offer no way of stopping immigrants entering our country illegally. Under current European legislation, anyone can enter the UK in a virtual sense, via social media, chatrooms, and online gaming.

Online avatars can look like anyone, and require no visas. You've no way of knowing whether the person you're dealing with is an honest, decent, British Citizen, such as a Pearly King or a Scottish woman... or a stinking onion salesman/Hitlerboy.

​When we leave the EU, there'll be none of that nonsense, fingers crossed: if a foreigner wants to interact with British people online they will first be required to obtain the correct paperwork, and agree that their avatar resemble an offensive cartoon caricature of whatever nationality they claim to be.

NO MORE TERRORISTS.

It's worth remembering that there has never been a single home-grown terrorist in the United Kingdom, apart from the IRA and Guy Fawkes, and all the other terrorists who grew up and lived here. But they don't count. Those were hard-working British terrorists with British values.

​Real terrorists live in other countries, and are all horrible and stuff. They don't even speak English most of the time, unless they're the boss terrorist.

​You've probably seen them in games such as Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, where they're shooting at our poor troops, wearing scarves around their heads, and setting off nuclear bombs. Let's get this scourge out of our games, and see a return to the gentleman terrorists of yore. At least they'd give you a phone warning before blowing up a horse.

VIDEO GAMES WILL REFLECT BRITISH VALUES FOR BRITISH PEOPLE.

Whatever traditional British values are, a vote for Leave is a vote for British values in video games. You know: eating fish and chips, and... the Blitz Spirit... and apologising, or... uh. Winston Churchill. Eastenders. Talking about the weather. Not being foreign - that's the main British value isn't it? Being proud you weren't born somewhere else, as if you had any say in it anyway.

When we leave Europe, we'll get more games which show us just how wretched Europe and the rest of the world really is, while demonstrating that being British is the single best thing in the world. And they'll be better than the games we have now, of course, and make you rich.

WE'LL FINALLY HAVE A SAY IN THE SORTS OF GAMES WE GET, PROBABLY.

The worst thing about Europe is that we're giving our independence over to a bunch of foreign politicians, who you probably didn't vote for, and who can pass whatever laws they like. If we ditch the EU we'll be restoring our sovereignty to a bunch of British politicians, who you probably didn't vote for, and who can pass whatever laws they like.

​But at least English will be their first language, and - you never know - they might even set up an online poll asking you what sort of video games you'd like more of. Anything could happen once we get shot of those rascally Europeans. Or, as I like to call them, "You're-a-Penis".

FEWER GAMES FEATURING DIRTY ITALIAN, FRENCH AND GERMAN CHARACTERS.

Nobody (British) likes to switch on a video game only to find they're expected to masquerade as a filthy foreigner. Pierre le Chef. Remy from Streetfighter. Punch-Out's Von Kaiser and Pizza Pasta... the list is as long as you've just read.

​We need more games featuring British characters like Lara Croft and Soap McTavish, who promote Britishness by sticking icepicks in people's heads while grunting in proper received pronunciation. And this is what we'll get if we vote "Leave", hopefully.

GRAND THEFT AUTO VI: LONDON

Let's face it - everyone wants it. The only way that Rockstar Games might conceivably ditch its obsession with America is if they were forced to by law. Vote Leave!

I remember that GTA London add on, made me feel strangely guilty by announcing my murders as murders and not just US police code.

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Superbeast 37

6/6/2016 07:50:44 pm

On a serious note (I hate to be boring) we are already seeing the EU attempt to interfere in private individuals purchasing privately produced entertainment products from private platforms.

That being Netflix/Amazon etc where the EU are demanding a quota of EU produced content or even forcing those companies to spend OUR subscription money producing content within those countries that we may not want.

If consumers wanted the crappy shows in the first place then Netflix would be queueing up to buy the rights so as to pull in more subs.

The EU want to force providers to buy a load of mediocre content that people don't want to watch or even remove superior content from their catalogues to achieve the correct ratio. It is not like Netflix have anything against content produced within the EU because I've seen quite a few quality films on there. If it's good they buy the rights.

Quite what business this euro trash think they have in telling me what legal products I can and cannot buy from another private individual is beyond me. It's like the USSR all over again.

Who knows how long it will be before they start applying the same interference to Steam/PSN/XBL and video games as they do movie/TV streaming? Especially if it eventually goes all digital.

Ten years from now: Want that latest Souls game for your PS6? Er nope sorry Sir, we can't stock it on our digital only store, but you can buy this piece of crap from Slovenia instead.

In the case of Netflix/Amazon I'd just cancel my sub and the EU can go F themselves.

With gaming I guess I'd have to somehow circumvent the system and set up a US/JPN account. Means more hassle.

Seriously though, do you want me to come into your house, start pulling select DVD's/games off your shelf and chucking them in a bin bag and then putting my own picks up on your shelf instead (before grabbing a handful of notes from your wallet)!?

Especially if my own picks were produced by my mates and I hand them a cut of the money I took off you!

I don't get why people are so blasé when a large organisation starts dictating to them on such a micro-level - even interfering to the extent of dictating what they can watch on TV! Christ its my house and my front room!!! Get out! It is like we have become so accustomed to freedoms that we don't value them anymore.

I'm sure there are many people in China who would shake their heads in disbelief at us. A friend of mine is from the Czech Republic and she remembers the days of Communism. She see's stuff like this and shudders. She knows it too well.

Mark my words, it will come to gaming. Games will have to display certain values and certain "harmful" elements won't be allowed. Think of the children.

Mr Biffo

6/6/2016 08:15:30 pm

<BANGS HEAD AGAINST KEYBOARD> elkjasd.m,nwerdlasdnzx.,mnsdf.c,mnsadasdfasdf

Paulvw

6/6/2016 08:56:13 pm

Actually, I used to like the British cinema shorts back when there was a quota of British films that needed to be shown at the Cinema.

Telly Savalas visiting Birmingham and Portsmouth haunts me like some weird acid trip that I'm still not quite sure if it actually happened.

Imagine the Euro shorts that could be produced under such a scheme. The magic singing ringing tree returns.....

Superbeast 37

6/6/2016 09:34:40 pm

I only remember enjoying Heidi from the late 70's/early 80's but that was Swiss and they are Out so I won't be getting a remake!

Penyrolewen

6/6/2016 10:06:22 pm

Superbeast, just stick to the good old BRITISH boroadcasting corporation. After all, you're paying for it!

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MrPSB

6/6/2016 11:29:14 pm

You are a poo

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David W

7/6/2016 12:03:14 pm

Video game development companies can already get tax breaks for sufficiently "British" games, as determined by a cultural test. Which itself has some criteria open to question, but essentially, it's not just the EU giving money kisses to special friends.

I think the best response to stupid quotas would be wangling some more Biffovision out of them.

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Seano

6/6/2016 08:42:24 pm

Oh I've been waiting for one of these. Bloody referendum has been so confusing, but now I know which side my toast needs to be buttered.

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Paulvw

6/6/2016 08:51:07 pm

They should do a 'Hungry Boris' game. He's rubbish just like Horace.

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Dr Kank

6/6/2016 09:04:59 pm

I keep getting Brexit and breakfast mixed up. Which is the one with the toast?