June 5, 2010

Disarray

I want to start writing again. I do. However, at times like this, my thoughts aren't exactly..linear. There is no train of thought to catch a ride on. They are more like fireworks. This is what has made it difficult for me to write recently. So lets dissect it. Find the themes. What literary devices are at work here. What is the thesis.

As far as I am from an English major, these principles seem to work in so many other places.

So, themes. The phoenix metaphor comes to mind. As does the power of words. Trials. Perseverance. Providence. Oh, that's a good one..providence. Faith is another good one.

I'm reading Lullaby. It's essentially the story of a reporter who discovers an old poem which actually turns out to be a spell, painlessly killing anyone who it is used on. Sounds like a neat story, and I'm sure there's some deep metaphors at work here. However, we don't have to search for them. Palahniuk has a way of throwing his literary devices at people- he'll just tell you. Its about sound, words, quietness, society. We are afraid of silence. At the same time, we want our words to have power. We pray. We read books and watch cartoons about magic, spells, etc. We imagine physical consequences to sounds as a representation of the mental and emotional consequences we know exist.

How about another theme. The phoenix one. Rebirth. Its funny how that applies to everything. I mean, its always true. Whether we're talking about civilizations rising from the ashes of their predecessors, or even the fact that most injuries a human can endure lead to some sort of resilience. Broken bones are stronger when they repair. Viruses leave behind immunities.

And now I can finally start to form a line, a train of thought, a story. This is why I have to write. Perseverance. Just as breaking a bone makes it stronger, a broken person comes back stronger. Pain and suffering are good, in the long run. It just sucks while the bone is still broken. Impatience may be the enemy of humanity.

And from there, providence. We need pain to develop perseverance, but we also need to be nursed back to health. We all need to cope. There are an infinite number of ways people find to do this. For me, its talking. Talking to others. Bouncing ideas off of people. Making sure I'm sane, making sure I'm viewing things objectively. Not being consumed. And lo and behold, I find people in my life to do just that. The things I'm going through right now, I could probably name 5 different people going through something similar. Similar, but not identical. That's the beauty of it. I don't have to screw up time and time again, just share my experiences and learn from others. Grow close to the people who are enduring trials as well, and find the light at the end of the tunnel.

The best way to deal with a lack of control in your life is to help others.

It's the engineer in me, I swear. We fix things. Solve problems. What do you do when faced with a problem that can't be fixed? You help someone else fix their problems, and you wait. Maybe tomorrow's invention will bring the solution you need. Maybe it won't. But at least you're fixing something.

I imagine this all makes no sense to anyone. That's ok. It's served its purpose. So now that the pieces are a bit more connected, lets start from the beginning.

Never in my life have I been in a more interesting position. It's intriguing. My life interests me. It's creepy. Many things have happened, none of which are particularly relevant, Nor is it possible to name one, as my position right now is definitely the product of many different elements. However, I'm here. And there seems to be a spot for me in society, a spot where I can still do what I like to do- solve problems. All while learning patience, learning perseverance, learning to have faith. I don't know what tomorrow holds, or the next day, or the next year, or anything like that. This is new. Or rather, I am no longer under the illusion that I know my future. On one side of things, I feel powerless. On the other, I feel free. And perhaps this is why my life is so interesting right now. Every thought has a counterthought, everything's a battle, for every action there is an opposite but equal reaction. For every reward, there is a risk. The risk is me falling off of the earth, my mind drifting somewhere up in space. The reward is happiness, and the life I dream of. Oddly enough, that dream changes pretty frequently.

I plan to start writing again, and hopefully I can get a rein on my thoughts before long. As pretty as fireworks are, they are never really going anywhere. For me, that's probably because I don't know where to go. But once I have a direction, I'll start running again.