As for now, speculation tells us that Baltimore native Carmelo Anthony is staying in New York to play for the Knicks, and for good reason. Scores strip club in New York has promised a “Melo Love” package if he keeps his talents in the city. This package is specific to him, and it includes free lap dances for life, a drink named “The Melo Carmelo” that will be served at the club, and it names him judge for an amateur pole dancing competition. The club also promises to give him his own personal ball girl and cheerleading squad. They would come to all of his games and cheer specifically for him. The agreement also allows for him to play in a topless charity hoops game in which the rulebook says “holding is not a foul.”

This is an enticing offer that many men would not turn down and we all know that NBA players are suckers for a good lap dance. When Carmelo inevitably goes bankrupt five years after he retires, the free lap dances for life might come in handy.

The Chicago Bulls have also made a strong push for Melo, so naturally a Chicago strip club had to try to match the offer, but they did so with slightly weirder promises. The Admiral Theater strip joint said that if he signs with the Bulls, they would throw a La La Anthony (Melo’s wife) look-a-like contest. Creepy. Even weirder, three of the club’s dancers would get Carmelo Anthony tattooed on their bodies.

If I’m Melo, and I’m deciding between these two packages, I’m definitely going with Scores in New York. Playing ball with a bunch of topless chicks may get him in trouble on the home front, but let’s be honest, a relationship with it’s own VH1 reality television show probably isn’t lasting anyway. I don’t know a soul alive who isn’t still devastated over the break up of America’s sweethearts Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen.