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Defeated.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted an update about your infertility journey. I thought maybe if I didn’t post about it or didn’t share what was going on, somehow things may fall into place faster. If I didn’t discuss the details, the timelines, the treatments, then I wouldn’t be jinxing us. I’ve kept pretty quiet, save for a couple of friends, but even then, this past month I’ve kind of been fighting this on my own. Cory by my side of course, but knowing that this is all me, that I’m the problem in our infertility is extremely isolating in and of itself.

I had my 3rd (in our infertility treatments) negative pregnancy test. And that third negative hit me harder than any other negative pregnancy test I’ve looked at. It turned negative all too fast. Almost as if it already had it’s mind made up before I even opened the package or almost as if to say “You already know the answer, I’ll just get this over with for the both of us.” I looked down at that one single line and just shrugged my shoulders and tossed it in the trash. Another month another negative pregnancy test. No big deal.

My friend and I have started challenging each other to work out every morning and so I wandered into the living room, put in Jillian Michaels and gave it my all. I was just pissed, for lack of a better word. I did those punches, crunched those crunches and those 5lb dumbbells flew through the air like I was gripping feathers. I let it all out right then and there. I felt so numb inside that it felt so good to feel the burn in my muscles and feel the emotional release through each movement.

Dripping sweat, I wandered back into the bathroom, showered off, and emerged from the shower in tears. I just stood there and sobbed. So mad at myself, mad at my body and mad at everything. Maybe if I would’ve done “this” differently this month. Maybe if I wouldn’t have eaten “that”. Maybe I should’ve started working out earlier. Maybe we didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I’ll just never be pregnant again.

And to think of all those times I prayed for a negative pregnancy test… and even angrier at my initial reaction to the positive pregnancy test I had when I found out I was pregnant with Alea.

Alea woke up shortly after I finished getting ready. Sometimes she wakes-up before I leave for work and sometimes she doesn’t, but on this particular morning I was so happy to see her sweet, sleepy smiles. I asked her for a hug and told her mommy felt sad this morning. She asked me why and I just told her, “Because sometimes mommy just feels sad and needs a hug from her baby” because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was because I scared I’ll never get to see her be a big sister.

Everyday before I leave for work, I go upstairs and give Cory a kiss and hug good-bye. He woke-up and said, “Well, how did the test go?” and I responded, “Bad.” and had to fight off more tears. He told me I was beautiful and that he loved me.

I didn’t know if I would be able to get out of my car when I got to work that morning. Every time I thought I was ready and reached for the handle to open my door, the tears started creeping through again. I said a little prayer and prayed that God would give me strength to get through this day. I whipped open my car door and decided there was no turning back. I swallowed trying to get rid of the tightness in my chest and marched into work, trying to hold my head high. A friend called my name from behind me– and it was in that moment that I knew God was going to give me the strength and he was surrounding me with people to help me make it through.

It started with Alea’s sweet hug, with Cory’s sweet words, then with Barb and our conversation walking into work, then all of my sweet patients sharing their stories with me in the flu shot clinic, then at dinner with my Grandpa whom I haven’t seen in a long time, and then my night ended with Cory and I discussing our next steps.

As we discussed things, Cory said, “Do you know I love you no matter what?” and I breathed a sigh of relief. I know he isn’t mad at me for this and I know he doesn’t love me any less, but it just felt good to hear those words.

I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know exactly what our next steps will be, but I do know that we will be taking November off. Cory and I are going on a “belated honeymoon” and it’s right around the time they would have to do our monitoring ultrasound to monitor for developing follicles. Due to timing, risk of multiples, etc. they don’t let you pursue treatment if you’re unable to come in for that ultrasound. I’m taking it as a sign. That we need this month off. Ironically, two years ago in November, I stopped taking birth control. And that doesn’t make this any easier.

I’ve written and rewritten the ending to this post about a half a dozen times now. I always like to end on a “high note” and I always love “happy endings” but we don’t have ours yet. There’s nothing happy about this. So I’ll just end with my mantra throughout all of this and the verse that I’ve been clinging to throughout this journey…

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I gave birth to my daughter Neela in April this year and had lots of complications afterwards, which explained themselves to be due to a cancerous ovary – which had been removed immediately after the doctors thought it would be safe for my body.

I always wanted at least four children, but now it’s just Neela and us, and damn it, I feel you. So very much.

Chelsea, I know there’s not much anyone can say that will make it better, but I’m sending you hugs. You are very loved and I hope you can remember that on the bad days where you find it hard to love yourself. You’re awesome and I hope you can just relax and enjoy your honeymoon. Xoxo

I wish I could just give you the biggest hug and just let you know that I know 100% exactly how you are feeling. I cry through your IF posts because it takes me right back to where we were for over three years. It is horrible and it sucks and I’m so sorry it is happening to you too. Just know that I’m praying for you and if you ever want to talk, I’d be happy to. The 2IF road feels solitary and alone and like you don’t really fit anywhere. But you do.

I am sorry to hear about the negative tests you have had so far. My Hubs and I are getting ready to start trying for number two and our first is 4 years old. I worry we may struggle as well since I am approaching 30, but I just try to remember how lucky we are to have our son.

I will be thinking of you and I hope that a positive test is just around the corner for you.

Oh, dear friend. This is a beautifully written post – even though I know it must have been so hard to write. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Though I haven’t experienced this exact kind of disappointment, I know the feeling of defeat all too well . I am hugging you from afar and praying for you!

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve been through two miscarriages this year and I find myself constantly trying to figure out why. The only thing I can come up with is that there is a greater plan in the works. Hang in there and maybe the break will help.

I haven’t been to your space in a while, but I felt drawn to your title’s post in my blogger feed and no I know why. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year and its a hard pill to swallow and a hard word to mouth out loud. Like if we don’t say anything we wouldn’t really be struggling. I needed your post today and I thank you for speaking out your story. I hope to have the courage to do that soon. I feel like if we talk about it, we would be disappointing family because we are not able to get pregnant. Thinking of you!

Infertility is so darn hard. I so feel your pain. It took 3 years to have my daughter and we are now into year 2 trying for number 2. There is no advice to give except you have to stay positive and continue to move forward…vacation, holidays with family, and the next steps in your journey. I hope that the new year will bring you the positive lines that you are hoping for. Enjoy November and the joys that your Honeymoon will bring. Thank you for sharing your story, your words ring true to so many going through the same struggle.

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Hello! I'm Chelsea + I'm so happy you stopped by! I'm just a mother, wife and registered nurse just trying my best every single day. Obsessed with all things yellow, coffee and anything with sprinkles.