The desert blossoms as the rose,
And Love is close. Before too long
A glory in the stillness glows,
The wilderness enfolds a song.

“Ah children…the hope of our race!” What a joyous, expectant vision Mary Baker Eddy had for the world’s children and future generations. Her unconditional love saw no limits or lack for them – only their inseparability from the abundance bestowed by our divine Parent. What a present view…what a future promise to behold.

Friends from InspiredtoGive.org have created a lovely reflection of several thought-leaders sharing their unbounded hopes, as well as the responsibilities we care-takers bear, for the children. May this give you special moments of reflection and expectation.

I was very moved by the responses to my last blog, about the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Mr. Bourdain in particular must have been a remarkable person. My children were deeply upset by his loss, and all week I have heard people talk about what he meant to them, and how inspiring he was. He was a public figure and celebrity who really meant a great deal to people, and he will be very, very much missed by his many admirers and fans. Suicide is always a terrible loss, and a tragic event. It is always far reaching, and saddens and affects us all.

One of the people, who responded to the blog, is a frequent ‘responder’, with thoughtful and kind comments about the issues I raise in the blog. This person shared his own grief about his grandfather’s suicide, and his subsequent estrangement from his mother. He talked about how deeply affected he has been by both of those events, and no question, those are both events which would shake anyone to their foundations. It led me to think about, and want to share some circumstances in my own life, that I rarely talk about.

My mother was an extremely beautiful woman, it was probably her most striking feature. She was a model when she was young, and beautiful and naturally youthful looking until she died at 80. Great beauty sometimes seems to be more of a burden than a blessing, and I don’t think she was ever a happy person (She was solitary and dissatisfied, and even bitter in later years). She married very young, at nineteen, to a much older man (my father), and had me when she was twenty. And like some very physically beautiful people, she was very self-centered, and she was accustomed to having her world revolve around her. People spoke of her beauty til the end of her days. It taught me at an early age that beauty is not enough, and no guarantee of happiness. Having children was never part of her life plan, and I think it must have rocked her world when she had me. She was never good at sharing center stage, I only knew her to have one woman friend during her entire life, and my mother offended her early on, and the friendship ended. She was always and easily surrounded by men who admired her, and were dazzled by her (including my father, who never quite got over her). I think she considered women a threat, and didn’t seek their friendship. So having a child, a daughter, was not a welcome event in her life. My relationship with her was tenuous from my earliest memories of her, and she left my father, and me, when I was 6 years old, and moved on. Like the man who responded to my blog, and spoke of how devastated he was by his mother’s rejection of him—-for any child to be abandoned by their mother is a shocking event, one that can take years to recover from, and certainly takes time and a great deal of thought and introspection to even begin to understand. Once I had children of my own, I understood even less how my mother could walk away from a child of six, or any child, at any age. When my children were very young, I would feel literally physically sick if I left them for more than a few hours. There is an almost physical bond between mother and child, where a mother NEEDS to be with her child. We see it in nature, with animals, and in people. And because I was abandoned by my mother so young, I have always been extremely devoted to my own children, present for every event, there for every moment I could be when they were children, and very close to them as adults. If anything, my mother leaving me probably made me a better mother, and perhaps made me love my children more. I knew what it was like to feel ‘unloved’ by my mother, and never, ever wanted my children to experience that. She was more present in my life again once I was an adult, but in all honesty, we were never close. I was attentive and dutiful, as an only child, but we never overcame the enormous tear in our relationship, which occurred from her leaving me when I was so young, and the time, years and experiences we missed with each other.

We all have preconceived ideas about what a mother should be, and most of us expect too much of our mothers, and expect them to be superhuman human beings, able to understand and meet all our needs, wanting them to be warm, loving, compassionate, all forgiving, and never let us down. But mothers are as human as anyone else, I don’t think motherhood ‘improves’ us, I think it magnifies what is already there, both the good and the bad. And some people simply shouldn’t have children, and cause a great deal of harm and pain when they do. Not having children by choice always seems a somewhat sad decision to me, but for those who know they don’t have what’s needed within them, they make a wise decision to follow their instincts and not have children.

We expect our mothers to love us more than anyone on earth, to accept us unconditionally—-and when they don’t, we are secretly convinced that it is some terrible flaw or failing in us which causes a rejecting mother to behave that way. It must be our fault if our own mother doesn’t love us, and those who have been rejected by their mothers carry that weight for many years, sure that something terrible must be wrong with them. It took me many, many, many years (and therapy) to understand that whatever my failings, the flaw was not in me, but ‘simply’ in a mother who didn’t have a mother’s love to give. Understanding that is an enormous relief when it finally dawns….’oh Wow, it wasn’t me’. Not having a present mother is a loss, but in some cases it is the loss of someone who just has nothing to give us. Their tanks are empty, and their heart. I share that piece of my history with you because being abandoned by a parent is a terrible blow, and we feel it reflects on us, and being abandoned by a mother seems even worse somehow—your mother is supposed to love you no matter what. But not all mothers can do that. Mine couldn’t, and apparently neither could the mother of the person who responded to my blog. It’s worth saying too that because you were unloved by your mother does not mean that you are Unlovable—-there’s a big difference between the two. That person, a mother, who didn’t love you, clearly wasn’t able to—but that doesn’t mean that others won’t love you in your lifetime. You ARE lovable!!! We all are!!! And deserve to be loved.

It made my life infinitely easier once I understood that it had nothing to do with me. She was just fatally flawed, and didn’t feel able to be a mother, unfortunate to be sure—-but what crime could I have committed by the age of 6 to make her not love me? None at all.

Interesting things happen too when you don’t have a mother. Throughout my life, much older women have appeared in my life who were wise, loving and compassionate, and took me under their wing for a time, and gave me a kind of love and approval that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Much kinder and more intelligent and wiser women than my mother, a friend’s aunt when I was in my 20’s, just an extraordinary woman, a friend I met when I moved to California/ a Superior Court judge who had no children of her own. Both of those women were loving mentors to me and cherished friends until they passed away. And a third one, whom I had known as a child, a friend of my parents who lost track of them early on, and reappeared about 20 years ago, and she is an extraordinary woman, still active and brilliant and engaged in life in her 80’s, unfailingly loving to me, and always a source of love and encouragement in just the way I would have hoped from my mother as a child, or later on, and never had from her. I feel very fortunate to have had these women in my life, each of whom has made an enormous difference, and gave me enormous gifts of love. So my needs were met, despite my own mother leaving me as a child.

What I wanted to share is that the turning point comes, and the healing, when you realize that a child is never abandoned because THEY are insufficient in some way—but because the parent is insufficient and incapable. It’s not about you/the child, it’s about the parent who lacks the ability to love a child adequately, enough to be a loving mother. Being a mother, especially a good one, is not an easy job, and not everyone is equal to it. Once you understand that, all the heat goes out of the loss, or most of it. And our needs are met in different ways in life, not always from the sources we expect, but sometimes from more unusual ones. Losing my mother for all intents and purposes so young wasn’t easy, but once I understood who she was, and saw her with compassion, the loss was no longer a tragedy, but simply a fact of my life. And yes, I did hope for better from her right to the end, but it never happened. She died quite suddenly, still in very good form, still beautiful, and leading a very independent life. She died of a bad flu, within a week of catching it, when it turned to pneumonia. I was able to see her before she died, and I hoped for a minute that she would suddenly say everything I had hoped to hear for all of my life, but she didn’t. She was who she was, true to herself and true to form until her last breath. Quite amazingly, about a week before she died, she said in passing “You were the best thing that ever happened to me.” I was stunned, had never heard anything like it from her in my entire life, and jokingly said to a friend “she must be dying to say something like that”. It was a final gift, and the best she could do. And between my children, and the kind women who have mentored and befriended me over the years, I don’t feel cheated, I feel blessed. And the best I can wish for those who had a similar experience to mine—I hope that you realize in your heart of hearts that there is nothing wrong with you if you feel that your mother didn’t love you—if so, it was her burden to carry, and her failing, not yours. And the sense of loss and lack falls away when you realize that. Our best mothers are not always the women we were born to, which was just an accident of fate. And Don’t forget that YOU ARE LOVABLE, whether your mother loved you or not.

Rob Scott June 11, 2018 9:05 pm

Danielle,

Thank you for talking about suicide tonight on your blog. Yes, talking about it, so that it raises awareness and saves lives. I read your book about your late son, Nick. I even read out of it to my former sales team back when I was the district sales trainer in the mental health field.

My grandfather committed suicide and my family covered it up. Then my mother took all her anger out on me perhaps because I reminded her of her father. I lost her love after that event and attempted suicide two years later in college because of it. I can’t imagine your pain of losing a child. But I can tell you losing a mother’s love has taken down the best of them including me.

I went on to become a crisis intervention and suicide prevention counselor for LGBT youth for a period of time. Danielle, your signed photo and letter from your typewriter hung next to me while I helped others. It gave me strength. Thank you.

My grandfather’s suicide was confirmed by my cousin who works at a large PR firm last year while I was in Mexico. She then hung up on me after she told me over the phone. She wrote off all her family because of the few who so poorly represented our family. I had to go and teach school that afternoon after feeling like the wind got knocked out of me. This suicide destroyed our family. I have not heard from my mother in years and have fallen into incredible hardship because of it.

My love for God is what sustains me now.

For me, faith and spirituality is an unobstructed path to HOPE. Why Hope? Because Hope is the major weapon against suicide. Your writings are filled with finding hope and healing in the heart of darkness.

No, I don’t think people who commit suicide are cowards. I understand the hopelessness and pain. I also understand the destruction suicide can leave behind on the survivors. Please, whoever is reading this blog reach out and tell somebody and ask for help if you are having thoughts of suicide. It takes courage to ask for help.

Thank you for this post, Danielle. You will always be connected to Nick through love!

“‘I will firmly plant them there upon the land that I have given them; they shall not be pulled up again,’ says the Lord your God.”(Amos 9: 15, Living Bible)

God has established us in our right place. We can’t be moved out or off that settled land, that perfect home that God has designed for us. It is peace. It is comfort. It is fruitfulness.

And it is ours because of God’s generosity is active and His law in operation. His qualities can’t be taken away from us or divided up or drained of their power. Our “land” is the life that God has designed for us, the one that most expresses His own intention.

It may feel that we are wanderers at times, seeking out our purpose and security and joy. But we can trust God to guide us and to keep us assured and safe. Our firm foundation is not a job or a person or a house. It is our Oneness with God.

We abide in God’s Truth. We dwell in His Love. We have His treasures of Life within us and around us. This abundant goodness multiplies as we tend to fertile the ideas He gives us, and as we recognize just where we are. We are already in our fields of plenty. They are ours by divine right and we can’t lose them, so we might as well enjoy them!

“Call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven”.

Christ Jesus

Wherever He may guide me,
No want shall turn me back;
My Shepherd is beside me,
And nothing can I lack.
His wisdom ever waketh,
His sight is never dim;
He knows the way He taketh,
And I will walk with Him.
(No. 148, Christian Science Hymnal)

“These young people need us, and we desperately need them,” Hatch continued. “We need their light to illuminate the richness of God’s creations. We need the grace, beauty and brilliance they bring to the world.”

SEN. ORRIN HATCH

R-UTAH

I love the message of more kindness, more compassion, more empathy and civility of all individuals. No adversaries..but all One …amazing.

Love this…. as it does begin with ONE!

Washington, DC—Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT), the senior Republican in the United States Senate spoke on the Senate floor this morning to commemorate LGBT Pride month and to call for greater inclusion and understanding in our communities. He also discussed Utah’s suicide epidemic, and its prevalence among teens in the LGBT community, and his efforts to curb suicides by developing a 3-digit national suicide hotline number. The House Energy and Commerce Committee will be considering Senator Hatch’s proposal today.

This Republican made an eloquent speech about protecting LGBTQ youth on the Senate floor

In the wake of the high-profile suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, you kind of expect a politician to speak out about the importance of protecting LGBTQ youth, who are at higher risk of suicide.

Yet, there was Orrin Hatch on the Senate floor Wednesday making an impassioned speech about the need to support LGBTQ youth and more generally all LGBTQ Americans.

“No one should feel less because of their orientation,” Hatch said from the Senate floor. “They deserve our unwavering love and support. They deserve our validation and the assurance that not only is there a place for them in this society but that it is far better off because of them.”

“These young people need us, and we desperately need them,” Hatch continued. “We need their light to illuminate the richness of God’s creations. We need the grace, beauty and brilliance they bring to the world.”

Hatch made his remarks as Congress is considering his bill to create a national crisis hotline for anyone in need of help. But the focus of Hatch’s speech was on the greater crisis facing LGBTQ youth was striking.

“These young men and women deserve to feel young, cared for, and accepted for who they are,” Hatch said. “We all have a stake in this. We all have family or loved ones who feel marginalized because of gender identity or sexual orientation, and we need to be there for them.”

While Hatch can hardly be called a fervent supporter of LGBTQ rights–he hailed the Supreme Court’s Masterpiece Cake ruling–he has defintely evolved over his four decades in the Senate.

Hatch is retiring this year, and Mitt Romney stands ready to take his place. Romney has already signalled that he plans to lead Republican opposition to Trump.Whether he’s willing to match Hatch’s eloquence on our behalf remains to be seen.

Our Father-Mother God, to Thee we turn
And ask Thy guidance in each daily deed;
In this petition we, thy children, learn
That Love divine has met each human need.

As most of you know, I lost my son Nick to suicide (resulting from bi polar disease all his life) at 19, so I have lived the fall out of suicide at close range. Several of Nick’s friends followed that same path, and his very best friend, a wonderful boy, with everything going for him, great family, nice girlfriend, successful career, bright, charming, intelligent, kind, an incredibly decent person, and he committed suicide in his 30’s. It came as a shock to everyone who knew him—more so than when my son Nick died, since he had battled with bi polar/manic depression all his life. Others among Nick’s friends have done so as well. Each of my children has had friends who have committed suicide. And tragically, I have been to more funerals for young people than for my own contemporaries.

I did not know Kate Spade, although several of my children knew her and her husband, and one of my sons is/was very close to them, and crushed by her death. Nor did I know Mr. Bourdain personally, but several of my children are his ardent fans. Many years ago, one of my children’s friends was on vacation with us, when he saw on television the news that his famous actress mother had committed suicide, and then not long after, his father. He was 14 at the time, and we shared his grief with him. And I knew Robin Williams for 16 years when he died. We met through our children, because one of my daughters and his son were boyfriend/girlfriend devotedly all through high school. I came to know Robin then, and was always impressed by what a wonderful father he was, and how much he loved his children. At his funeral, his friends were devastated, and his three children were absolutely crushed. Knowing what a dedicated and loving father he was, all I could think was how devastated he would have been if he could have seen how broken hearted his children were. It takes an immense driving force for someone to commit suicide, and I suppose it blinds one to all reason—-in their own agony, they don’t realize how their death by suicide will affect those who love them. We had a wonderful caretaker and advisor on psychiatric issues for the last 5 years of my son Nick’s life—she was a talented, brilliant, warm, sensible woman, and a wonderful mother to her three children, with a loving husband. She was so depressed by my son Nick’s suicide, that she never recovered herself, sank into a terrible depression, and three years later, she committed suicide too, at 36, with three young children, who were the ones to find her, given the circumstances in which she did it. We were all heartbroken by her suicide too.

Suicide is a heart breaker, it leaves children who will be marked forever by the loss, and families shaken to their roots and forever altered. Those who commit suicide do not go gentle into the night, they rip out our hearts, and take a piece of us with them. We are all affected by the loss, even when we don’t know them. My heartfelt condolences to the Bourdain and Spade families, my heart aches for them, and for all of us, for these terrible losses, and a world that has become so hardened, lonely, and stressful for some that they see no other way out. I hope that in future we find better ways to help these people who are in so much pain. May they rest in peace at last, and may those they left behind heal as soon as they can, with our love, help, and compassion.

Thank you for talking about suicide tonight on your blog. Yes, talking about it, so that it raises awareness and saves lives. I read your book about your late son, Nick. I even read out of it to my former sales team back when I was the district sales trainer in the mental health field.

My grandfather committed suicide and my family covered it up. Then my mother took all her anger out on me perhaps because I reminded her of her father. I lost her love after that event and attempted suicide two years later in college because of it. I can’t imagine your pain of losing a child. But I can tell you losing a mother’s love has taken down the best of them including me.

I went on to become a crisis intervention and suicide prevention counselor for LGBT youth for a period of time. Danielle, your signed photo and letter from your typewriter hung next to me while I helped others. It gave me strength. Thank you.

My grandfather’s suicide was confirmed by my cousin who works at a large PR firm last year while I was in Mexico. She then hung up on me after she told me over the phone. She wrote off all her family because of the few who so poorly represented our family. I had to go and teach school that afternoon after feeling like the wind got knocked out of me. This suicide destroyed our family. I have not heard from my mother in years and have fallen into incredible hardship because of it.

My love for God is what sustains me now.

For me, faith and spirituality is an unobstructed path to HOPE. Why Hope? Because Hope is the major weapon against suicide. Your writings are filled with finding hope and healing in the heart of darkness.

No, I don’t think people who commit suicide are cowards. I understand the hopelessness and pain. I also understand the destruction suicide can leave behind on the survivors. Please, whoever is reading this blog reach out and tell somebody and ask for help if you are having thoughts of suicide. It takes courage to ask for help.

Thank you for this post, Danielle. You will always be connected to Nick through love!