John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Keeping Busy doesn't heal your broken heart! (Published 9/17/2013)

Q:

I am a Christian, but have lost a lot it seems. I'm not sure what to do anymore. After 15 years of marriage, my husband committed suicide. That was 12 years ago and I never re-married. My dad died some time ago and my mom in 2007. Now, my best friend, two weeks ago. I have two wonderful daughters. I’m only 48 but I feel very lost. I work hard and try staying busy, but at the end of the day, mostly cry my self to sleep. I feel tired of hurting and not sure—besides praying every few minutes—how to find happiness.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Cindy,

Thanks for your note. It must seem overwhelming to you to have had so may people die within a relatively short time. Not to mention the feelings you probably had—and still have—about your ex-husband and that he ended his own life.

There are six myths that we write about and talk about that affect many grievers. One of those myths is the idea that it’s helpful to Keep Busy in an attempt to deal with the tremendous amount of emotion generated by the deaths of people who are important to us.

The problem with Keeping Busy is that it does nothing at all to complete the unfinished emotions caused by the death, nor does it help you deal with the unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations you had for your future with that person. And worse, Keeping Busy just exhausts you, and when it doesn’t fix your broken heart, you begin to think that something’s wrong with you.

We suggest that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it outlines, you will find a shift in how you feel; you will be less exhausted; and you will no longer have to cry yourself to sleep.

[Note: if your faith is still strong, we suggest that you use your prayers to ask for the courage to take the actions of grief recovery. It is a very helpful use of prayer.]