QWA #8: the sex counselor edition

Thursday, 31 March 2005

Time for the eighth installment of Queries from the Weblog
Addressed. Each and every query came from the Sedition·com weblogs. We
take the time to answer them as a service to our loyal fan base. We
appreciate each and every one of you and fervently hope that your
number remains small enough to keep track of with one hand, so to
speak.

% chance of contracting chlamydia from
cunnilingus

Ewwwww… You’re playing the odds on it? Isn’t the taste of the
discharge bad enough to give it a blanket veto, as it were?

bush fucks chickens

Now if we can only get him to do the honorable thing when Laura
catches him on the job.

my mom fucked me

Quit bragging. Your mom fucked everyone here.

how to tell your parents you’re gay

Mom, Dad– I have something extremely important I want to talk
about. Please let me say it before you say anything. First, there’s
nothing wrong and this has nothing to do with you or how you raised
me. Mom, I know you always thought I’d marry a nice girl and bring you
lots of grandchildren but it’s time I tell you it’s not going to
happen. I’ll never have the kind of family you hoped I would. I think
I can explain best by telling you my ideal date. It would be someone
who asked me out first. We’d go to a light but romantic lunch and
split some salmon almondine crepes with California wine. Then see an
early Mariners game. Cheer like crazy. Have a latté at Tully’s
and walk around downtown, visiting galleries, and talking about all
the places we’d like to go. Maybe hold hands and steal a kiss if I’m
not feeling too shy. Then when it’s getting a little late and it’s
time to say goodnight, I would climb right down and suck the
everfucking life out of his cock.

About the vagina.

You really want a different preposition here for any serious
understanding. I suggest adding a possessive pronoun and a transitive
verb clause as well.

afraid to have sex

You should be. It can kill you or wreck your life even if you only
try it once. Don’t be a stupid head. Use condoms and make sure you’re
using them right. Don’t do it on the first date; and not because your
mom would be upset but because you don’t know the first thing for sure
about someone you’ve only seen personally in one situation one time.
Stalker, married, herpes, violent streak, serial date rapist, coke
addict, Oprah fan. Wait till you know for sure to open your most
secret places.

Bitches sucking dick

Your grandmothers might share their daguerreotypes if you ask nicely.

Ann Landers’ checklist for cheating spouse

Forget her. Flip a coin. A little more than half of spouses cheat.
There are no perfect signs. A husband who is showering you with
affection, for example, might be doing so b/c poking his secretary’s
22 year-old friend in her screaming, tight little ass has renewed his
vigor and love for life and allowed him to forget the oppressive,
sexless grind in which you’ve incarcerated him.

bat feces aphrodisiac

Oh, absolutely. You simply must also try squirrel pee, cat
diarrhea, and the hair clogs you fish out of the shower drain. Makes
that 36-hour Cialis® boner look like a matchstick, my man.

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Sedition·com is green

A long time ago a Man met a Satyr in the forest and succeeded in
making friends with him. The two soon became the best of
comrades, living together in the Man’s hut. But one cold winter
evening, as they were walking homeward, the Satyr saw the Man
blow on his fingers.

“Why do you do that?” asked the Satyr.

“To warm my hands,” the Man replied.

When they reached home the Man prepared two bowls of porridge.
These he placed steaming hot on the table, and the comrades sat
down very cheerfully to enjoy the meal. But much to the Satyr’s
surprise, the Man began to blow into his bowl of porridge.

“Why do you do that?” he asked.

“To cool my porridge,” replied the Man.

The Satyr sprang hurriedly to his feet and made for the door.

“Goodby,” he said, “I’ve seen enough. A fellow that blows hot and
cold in the same breath cannot be friends with me!”