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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

DD in Real Life: an Interview with Michelle and John

Today I
am so excited to welcome to the blog a wonderful D/s couple I’ve had the
pleasure of knowing for the last five years. They’ve taught me
a lot, and occasionally fictionalized accounts of their
shenanigans make it into my work. They have a mostly Femdom arrangement that
includes elements of domestic discipline and humiliation.

Some of what Michelle
talks about in this interview, such as sexual punishments and learning to claim
a sense of entitlement as the dominant partner, are part of the D/s portion of
their relationship, and wouldn’t fly with most traditional definitions of DD.
But other elements, such as using discipline when John violates house rules, fit with DD. As per the discussions this week, there’s no one-size-fits-all way
to do DD. But Michelle, John, and I did want to make that distinction.

Please
join me in welcoming Michelle and John to the blog for a dose of RL spanking!

Thank you two so much for agreeing to do this. I’d like to start by asking you to
describe your relationship a little bit, just so we have a sense of how things
work for you two.

Michelle:
Most days of ours are filled with family activities, careers, and everyday
things that consume most people’s lives. John is a very strong person who
has his act together. Yet, we have a domestic discipline aspect in our
relationship that is built on mutual agreement and respect. We both have
an interest in spanking but John has agreed to accept punishments from me when
I determine he deserves it. When John exhibits and attitude, arrives
late, or violates one of our house rules, he knows that he will most likely be
punished as I see fit. This approach helps reduce friction between us and
built up frustrations. Domestic discipline also requires a high level of
trust and communications to make it work well.

John:
It also only works because I fully trust Michelle and her judgment. She
is fair, thinks about what else I might be going through and works to make me a
better person. It also works because Michelle is innovative but
consistent.

Michelle,
what is your favorite part of taking control?

My
favorite part of taking control is getting everything I want without feeling
guilty. In previous relationships, I felt pressure to perform. If a
guy was doing something for me that felt good, I was very aware of the time and
knowing that I was expected to reciprocate afterwards. Because John has
agreed to this, I can enjoy what I like for as long as I like, guilt
free. That has increased my enjoyment significantly.

I also
like the fact that John is willing to try new things for me, especially when he
doesn’t particularly want to. For example, I make him “manscape”
all the time. He used to freak out about having a razor near anywhere
other than his face, but now he is well groomed.

John, you
participate in a lot of humiliation play, and you submit to non-erotic
punishment for real life infractions. What do you get out of it?

Discipline
puts me in my place, taking me down a few notches. As someone who has had
considerable power for a long time, having to submit and be punished in ways I
don’t like has been instructional for me. I don’t like it at the time,
but it helps me with my self-discipline and helps me keep my ego in line.
It has made me a better person.

Humiliation
is something that I may not like at the time but is powerful later. I
can’t explain why because many of the things that Michelle has required of me
are mighty embarrassing; I am usually a very private, modest man. I know
that J.A. may not believe that with what she has seen. Yet, humiliation
play takes me out of my comfort zone, gives me an incredible shot of adrenaline
and somehow excites me later.

I do believe it! It just makes your submission all the better. Michelle, is it
hard to come up with punishments for John? What punishments do you use besides
spanking?

Coming
up with punishments is a lot easier than it used to be. I’ve learned of
ideas online and some actually came from John when I have him search the web
for me. Once I made him take cold showers for a week. I have also
restricted his ability to touch himself or climax for extended periods of
time. Other punishments include enemas, enforced bedtime, writing essays,
and listening to music or watching movies that I have chosen.

Sometimes
I make him do things for my amusement. This can be anything from making
him insert a buttplug while at a restaurant to rubbing my feet.

What’s
your favorite punishment you’ve ever given?

Michelle:
It’s hard to choose just one. I enjoy spanking him, but he can take a good
spanking. Therefore, if I really want to change behavior, I must pick
something he does not like. A good punishment enema (usually two quarts of
warm, soapy water from a red bag) works well.

John,
you’ve written some spanking fiction. How, if at all, does your portrayal of
discipline in your writing differ from your experience with discipline in real
life?

For
years, Michelle let me “top from the bottom,” allowing my idea of punishment to
equal her approach. But as Michelle grew in her techniques and ability to
take power, she doesn’t allow me to have a say in my punishment. Warm
ups, for example, are a thing of the past with true punishment spankings.
Different positions are often used, such as having to hold my knees and keeping
my butt out while she uses the “Betsy paddle,” a mean sorority paddle across my
bare butt. It hurts! The idea of a set ritual isn’t the way
Michelle likes to discipline so I never know how I will be spanked or if other
punishments might be used instead or in conjunction with her spankings.
She no longer just uses spanking, paddling, strappings, corner time and punishment
enemas. She has become more innovative with things like cold showers,
occasional early bed times and longer periods of chastity.

People
generally seem more at ease with the idea of erotic BDSM play than with domestic
discipline. Why do you think there’s aversion to or discomfort about the idea
of a relationship where one partner punishes the other and it’s not meant to be
sexy?

Michelle:
I think this stems from a fear of having an abusive, controlling
relationship. I do see degrees of these types of relationships in people
I know. Sadly, my relationship with my best friend and cousin has been
reduced to seeing each other twice a year because her husband is the primary
money maker and uses that to control her. We don’t even talk on the phone
when he is home. I’ve also experienced one unhealthy relationship where
my significant other was selfish and verbally abusive. Unfortunately, I
think this is common.

With
John I am able to do things with my best guy friend Stanny. I can go on
trips with my girlfriends. I can get a master’s degree. I can work
as late as I need. Surprisingly, I know many professional women whose
husbands won’t allow them to go out with male friends, go on trips with girlfriends,
and who do not support work or education.

Additionally,
I would never use domestic discipline to control or harm John in a real
way. I love him and fully support his relationships with family and
friends (including other women), his career, and his happiness.

John:
Using domestic discipline in a healthy manner requires a lot of discussion and
potentially some negotiations between the partners. Many couples
arbitrarily withdraw sex, for example, when they are upset with the
other. With domestic discipline, there is a pre-agreement on how and when
such restrictions can be set. It brings us together because I know that
is a consequence and Michelle will still show her desire for me during a
restriction but I’m just not allowed to cum. If that doesn’t work for you
and your partner, that’s fine; you would set your limits.

What’s
the most challenging thing about your relationship?

Michelle:
I find that the most challenging thing about our relationship is finding time
to play. John and I are both very busy with work, school, family, and
friends. There are so many things I want to do with him in a BDSM way as
well as a vanilla way. There just never seems to be enough time.
Luckily, we have found ways to work around this when we are apart. For
example, when I make him wear panties to the gym, he will send me a
picture. This definitely puts some joy into a busy workday.

I also
found overcoming guilt was challenging to me. Early on, I used john all
night sexually without allowing him to climax despite the number of BIG O’s he
gave me. The next morning I about died, realizing that he had never
climaxed. Now, I will use him in that way for days upon days and find it
enjoyable because I’ve replaced guilt with a sense of entitlement.

The
same could be said in how I spanked him in the past versus now. I know he
loves over-the-knee spankings and appreciates a warm up, even if he is going to
get a sound, hard spanking. But those type of truly disciplinary
spankings are mostly a thing of the past. If he’s being punished, he’s
going to dislike the spanking and it will often be coupled with something he
may like even less (like receiving anal).

The
preamble to the contract you shared with me earlier this year states:

“This
document reflects the shared vision of Lady and subbie, outlining rules that
will guide their behavior and relationship. It was written after
considerable discussion to frame their positions, assure that all actions
described therein are consensual and display their immeasurable love. This
agreement assures that there is mutual respect, although not equal power…. All
parties of this agreement are equals; Lady is just more equal than subbie.”

I love
this sentiment, and of course the humor. There's an emphasis on having found a
relationship that works for you, because no matter how many
letter labels we stick on these types of relationships—DD, BDSM, D/s, M/s,
etc.--the letters can only offer a general idea of what the relationship
entails. The rest is up to the individuals involved.

So for
you, what does it mean to be equal? How does mutual respect coexist with a
(consensually) skewed power dynamic?

Michelle:
John and I are ultimately equals. It is his willingness to submit to me
and our mutual love and concern for each other that makes it work. He
does not like or enjoy everything I make him do, but he is willing to do most
of it. We are able to communicate what works and what doesn’t work.
Over time, the list of what we do has expanded exponentially. If I
someone had told me ten years ago that we would be doing this, I never would’ve
believed it. It has been a learning process too. There have been
misunderstandings, particularly one time when we were communicating via
text. Luckily, we are able to learn from these episodes.

I
would also like to add that getting what I want has really been about what I
want, but within his limits. I once met with a Domme who has men come
over to serve as maids. Some of these men complain because she wants them
to wear something other than the maid outfit, which they prefer. She said
that these men were not really willing to submit because they were trying to
get what they wanted.

John:
Julie is definitely more terrifying! Like when Michelle has decided I am
going to get a night of punishment, Julie’s approach is dying by one biting
blow at a time. The shark’s approach is at least fast – one gulp!

Thank you
so much for being here today. Any advice to people who might be about to embark
on their own D/s or DD relationship?

Michelle:
I think the most important thing is to first make sure the relationship is
healthy and there is good communication. Starting off slowly would
probably be good. John and I took ten years to get to this point and
there was a lot of trial and error. We have tried things that did not
work the first time, but worked well after trying again.

There
have been blunders. John once tied me up and then fell asleep.
Another time I tried wake him up to do a role play and thought he was resisting
as a part of the play and it turned out he was really sick. I would also
make sure that it is working for both parties, and not just one person
“tolerating” this for another without getting some satisfaction.

John:
I agree with Michelle (Now you know why this approach works for us.).
[Humor intended.]

Seriously,
Michelle is right about communications. It is important that the couple
set aside special time to talk, share and listen.

Share your thoughts with Michelle and John, and feel free to ask any questions of your own! And leave your comments on previous DD Week posts with Cara Bristol, Pauline Allan, and Fabian Black for a chance to win books. DD Week will continue tomorrow with an interview and giveaway from Lori Toland!