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Missing my angel and pregnant with my rainbow.

Feeling blue. Last year at this time my husband was traveling for work and we
couldn't find Eli's heartbeat. I waited for the ultrasound till he got
home because I couldn't face knowing without him to hold me up. I
didn't tell anyone because I didn't want it to be real. I held onto my
kids and kept moving. My world started crashing down on me. I
really need to have a better year this year, I need this baby to make it
healthy and whole. I need her birth help with the healing. I wish Eli
could have lived and still have this little girl.

Eli's birth was when I was 18wks...but he had died weeks before. I am currently 1day shy of 28wks with a baby girl.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't made it to the anniversary of my loss yet, but I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I am happy to hear you have made it so far with your baby girl. But it is completely natural to still miss your baby Eli and wish you could have them both. Hugs to you during this difficult time!

My friend did Hybnobabies too. She let me borrow one of the DVDs towards the end of my pregnancy with my son and it really helped to relax me a lot. I also felt like it helped me connect to him more. I feel like that's a great way to connect with your baby girl and still grieve your loss for Eli.

I'm sorry :( A dear friend of mine had a stillborn at 37 weeks. She went on to have a surprise rainbow this past fall. She said his birth brought a lot of healing that she didn't even realize she needed.

Today I made the mistake of imagining what life would have been like if Eli would have made it. Imagining kissing his little head and snuggling. The tears just poured. On his birthday (March 3rd) we are going to do cake and balloons with our sunshine kids. A way of celebrating his short time with us and celebrating that one day we will see him again in Heaven. I know it will hurt but it will be good too. Looking forward to getting past this Aniversery.

Crying is a good thing. It hurts so bad at the time but it truly is the best way to move forward. I love that you guys are doing cake balloons for him. One thing I have learned through all of this is that the more you acknowledge the life lost, the more life you truly give them. As hard as it may be, if you never allow yourself to think about them or talk about them, it is almost like trying to pretend they never existed (which just isn't true).

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