Welcome to the lost and found, final resting place of all my mental detritus...

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

The hands are the window to the soul

... or they can tell you a good deal about the state of my brain at least lol.

And right now my hands are horrible. So obviously I took a picture...which seems I little counter intuitive I'll admit. But I wanted to show you a. For accountability, cos I want to make an effort to improve them and b. To illustrate the above point.

Often when people are doing badly they will work very hard to hide it. For a variety of reasons, shame, not wanting to worry others, fear of people's reactions, denial. Whatever the reason we can be very good at it. But usually there are tells, small signs that something is off. Obviously there are things like social withdrawal, changes in appetite, sleeping, sex drive... Things that are DSM recognised symptoms. But there can also be more subtle clues.

For me one of those is my hands. For other people it might be their hair, clothes, make up, music taste, speech, artwork, writing. Anything really but it can be useful to know and be aware. It's useful for me to know, never mind anyone else! I have a huge tendency towards denial and ignoring internal issues... so outward signs can be a helpful warning sign when things are slipping.

Though don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting I jump into a straight jacket simply because I cba to paint my nails for a day lol (slightly inappropriate humour :s).

Anyway, regard the beauty that is my nails haha....ok they're not that bad, they've been far more hideous in the past, they're just significantly worse than they've been in a long time.

So:
- short and badly shaped. This is mainly because I've had a crap week with anxiety and spent quite a lot of time biting them. Though in part is because I just cba to get them right lol.

- the biting has been worse because I'm not wearing polish. I just really can't be bothered, major apathy.

- plus when I have worn polish I've been picking it off... which is also an anxiety thing but also a self-esteem thing in that having done my nails I'll get to work or ringing or the pub and decide they look hideous and therfore pick it off. It's never perfect enough.

- I chew my cuticles for similar reasons... nervous habit. And an urge to get rid of imperfections... which of course only creates further imperfections.

- a lot of the imperfections are caused by lack of hand/nail care routine. Because self care and being nice to myself is wrong in every way.
- that means my nails are weak and peeling and generally crap and I bite the peeling bits and blah blah blah. Two billion anxious ticks.

- and my nail art is boring and simple due to stupid foggy brain meaning lack of interest and inspiration and desire to do anything.

I think that's enough lol. Though when I cut there's often 'stains' under my nails that I can't get rid of :s.

This is a weird and boring post, I can't think of anything to write about! Lol. I'll put some nails up soon, lighten the mood :s. I still have dark metal lacquer swatches to write up and they're beautiful :). X

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About Me

Hey im Katie. i work as a carer, looking after people in their own homes and i love it a lot. The rest of the time, i ring bells, help at a guide group, study science with the OU, play with beads,paint my nails, ring more bells, occasionally play darts but more often drink and cheer, blog and generally stay as wildly busy as possible. The wildly busy is a protection from the head-crap that comes with depression and other such fun things....something that im passionate about raising awareness and fighting stigma for.

What's in the lost and found

A bizarre and unordered collection of mush from my brain. The lost and found of Katie's (not always fully functioning mind). If you know what to expect you're a step ahead of me but i expect it'll include: nails (my current obsession and distraction), depression anxiety and mental health awareness, bellringing, links to people more erudite than me, the wonderful world of care for the elderly, girl guiding, self-harm, self-help (and probably some self-mockery also), rants, moans, celebrations........and pretty much anything else i feel the need to share.