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Friday, June 22, 2012

I just signed up to volunteer at a Family Retreat for a group called Joni and Friends. I was approached about it about two weeks ago but did not really do anything about it. I was nervous to ask my dad about it because a) I don't like approaching my dad about things that I want to do and b) His birthday is the day before I am heading out to do this. I have never missed my dad's birthday and honestly, I feel a little bad that I won't be there. I brought it up and we talked about it and he gave me the go ahead.

I am finally getting the vacation that I've been craving.

A little background to Joni is Friends is that it's a retreat for kids and their families to come and interact with other kids and families with disabilities. The one I am volunteering at is July 4th - July 8th in Tustin, MI. I don't exactly know what I will be doing but I said that I have experiences in music, drama, and something else but I have now forgotten. According to the woman that I going with, I will also be assigned a family. I'm really looking forward to that part of it because with me being interested in being a family therapist.

The thing I am most worried about is that this family retreat cost around $400 to do and I cannot afford it. I am going to talk to my pastor about maybe getting the church to sponsor me since it's a short-term ministry.

With this, I am also going to be a coach for Upward Basketball for the 3rd year now. I really love doing Upward. It's always super stressful for me because of waking up, working on the lesson, and then of course seeming like I understand basketball. But, it's a wonderful week of Jesus and kids.

So, ya, that's what my summer will be looking like. Oh, and working both jobs and making enough money for books and maybe a moped (?). My dad and I talked about it a little bit last night and I really like the idea. I just have to figure out what is more important: books or moped. That's something to be praying about.

Well , I am in still in my pjs and I should get dressed. Y'all stay great and I will be sure to keep updating :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry about that. I was trying to write a blog post a couple of days ago but it really did not come out right.

I've been pretty alright. This will be my first week officially away from therapy. I should prolly call them and say I won't be coming back for the summer. It's not that I don't like therapy, now it just feels like a chore and I really think I'm "okay". I started going because of the break up but now....I dunno, more things are filling that hole now, which is good but is also very stressful.

I've decided that I know I'm back to my old self for two reasons:
1. I'm being really awkward and funny again. Not to say I wasn't with Patrick, but it just feels better.
2. Holy moly am I obsessed with the male parts of the world.

I want to get into the second one a little bit. I know in my previous post I talked about how being single is great and you learn about yourself, well, I still stand by that 100%. Being single is nice because I am developing myself and doing things for me. But, this doesn't make the desire to be a girlfriend go away. Or just the desire to be liked. I love that feeling.

What I don't like is the pre-dating feelings: it's just so......irritating. I don't want to work for it, I just want it to happen. Sadly, it doesn't work like that, I have to work at it a little bit. But, how much is too much? Oh balance, you and I are going to learn to be best friends.

I've played with the idea of just doing some emotion less stuff but I've tried that, it didn't work. I've tried flirting with not attractive guys but they just friend zone me pretty quick. My mind is just in ultra flirty, I need the sanctification of a guy mode. Which isn't true....I know this. Co dependence has done terrible things to me.

And it's not all the physical either: Yesterday I had a break down because of stressful working things and I for a moment had no idea who I should call (this would be my first non-Patrick break down I have had). But, I took it upon myself to call some lady friends of mine which was helpful. So, I'm learning to depend on my lady friends. But, I just want to open up to someone who doesn't know me. And just unload everything. I know I can't do that, that'd just be....holy moly.

If you're wondering, I'm crushing but it's confusing. I won't get into it but just know...I could use some prayer for that.

Outside of the boy stuff, things are looking up in terms of employment. My primary job is opening up a new place which means more hours but is a little stressful with school and my other job. My other job wasn't giving me correct hours and that was irritating but I think we worked everything out. And lastly, I thought I had a position all lined up for the fall at EMU but it turns out, the woman was a bitch and didn't want to hire me. That's what my break down was about yesterday.

So, we have now learned that Angie pre-Patrick is coming back: obsessed with boys, stressed, but is still able to be funny. Kind of fits me right? But, with that, I'm learning new ways to deal with all of it by having wonderful friends and a grace giving God.

Thank you to all that ready (even those to don't want to admit it). You are great people.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Whenever I am in a relationship, I always think about how being single must suck; you don't have anyone to be physical with, you have to go out of your way to find that special someone, and you really aren't able to be complete.

All of those, I have learned, are so very much false.

What I am learning about being single is that I have a lot that I have to work on and I'm not only talking about my dark side related things, I mean focusing on my career, furthing God's kingdom, and finding my nitch in the world. I understand all of that can be done in a relationship, but honestly, it's a terrible thing to bring to a relationship.

I am not saying that when two people are dating, they have their entire lives figured out and nothing goes wrong, because they is incorrect: When two people are together and are hoping God wants them to get married, they understand that they will have to sacrifice because of love and that the couple will grow. But, both people separate of each other, if the relationship is healthy, have a life outside of each other; that is something that I am working on.

There are normal things that I miss about being with someone: I really like being someones girlfriend. It's a huge confidence booster for me, so of course, when I lose that confidence that I depended on for so long, it really throws me for a loop. But wanna know what I'm learning? I have to be dependent on God and do things that give me confidence. It was hard right after the break up and it's still a bit tough to talk about what I like to do, but I'm working on it. I am thinking of things I can do to further my relationship with Jesus and wanting to do more within my church. I am doing all of these things for me. I am also learning that I really am pretty cute, not in a "normal" way but in an Angie way. My smile is really pretty, my eyes change colors sometimes, and my hair is a pretty nice color. As for my body, I'm learning. It's a slow process but I am learning to love myself.

Another huge thing is the physical. I am a very physically aware person and I love holding hands, hugging, kissing, the whole shot. Not having that right there anytime I want is hard, yes. I will admit that. But, it's teaching me a lot about relationships: Do I want to make this relationship based on the fact that I haven't kissed in a month or on a friendship. I've never had that before: I've never had a super great friendship before dating a guy. And that is a goal that I have for myself but not to become super obsessed with it. I think I should also point out that I haven't gone "cold turkey" per-say: I have great friends that love giving and receiving hugs and hugs are super great.

Lastly, I am complete is Jesus. I don't want to find self worth in a guy and I shouldn't have to. Another goal I have is to not be ashamed of myself. I know that things I've done and I know the things I do and if a guy who desires to be with me can't see past my faults, I'm not going to waste my time.