16 August 2013

I have not
heard anything good about the fifth installment in the Die Hard franchise, A
Good Day to Die Hard, but that did not stop me from renting it over the
weekend.I am a fan of the first four
films, to various degrees.The preview
looked decent, but not great.I chose to
see something else the week it opened in theaters.Upon looking into that statement, it had to
be scheduling conflict.I saw Safe
Haven.So, with low expectations, I hit
play.

What a
monumentally terrible film.Here is a
brief synopsis of the plot: Jack McLane (Jai Courtney), the son of John (Bruce
Willis), is in Russia. He kills a guy so that he can get arrested and put in
jail with Komarov (Sebastian Koch), who is being held by corrupt politician
Chagarin (Sergei Kolesnikov).Komarov
has a file that incriminates Chagarin.John gets word that his estranged son is being held in a Russian prison,
and heads to Russia to try and help.Everything goes to shit, in the film, and the film itself.

I am a firm
believer that Skip Woods, the “screenwriter,” has not even seen the other four
films.I doubt there was even a real
script on set.It feels that this could
have been a script that was bought and adapted into a Die Hard film, not a Die
Hard script in the first place.The most
common line of dialog from John McClane is “Jesus Christ!”I am not sure how many times he says it, but
it has to be in the dozens.The other
lines of dialog are just as bad.The
interaction between John and Jack are terrible.The story is not a Die Hard story.It does not fit the same pattern or feel as the rest of the
franchise.The action sequences are ludicrously
over the top, unbelievable, and stupid.John Moore just did not know what to do with such a stupid premise.
There truly is nothing redeeming about this film.There is no silver lining.The closest thing would be its short running
time.That is just not enough of a
reason to watch this.

A few years
back, the Die Hard franchise made a surprise comeback with Live Free or Die
Hard.It had an updated story idea, and
the film felt like a Die Hard movie.The
Harrier jet sequence was terrible and should have been cut, but other than that,
the only other misstep was the PG-13 rating.
Yet, a sequel was inevitable, and five years later, this is what we get: a
giant steaming pile of shit.I believe
that A Good Day to Die Hard has effectively killed this franchise.If I am wrong, I hope that the time is taken
to develop a good story.I cannot sit
through another disaster like this.What a waste of a free Redbox rental code.

Over the
weekend, I went and watched Elysium, the latest from Neil Blomkamp, the
director of Best Picture Nominated District
9.Matt Damon took the lead role
after two rappers turned it down, most notably Eminem.Eminem wanted to film it in the dying city of
Detroit.When the deal couldn’t get
made, he left the film.Unfortunately,
Damon signed on, and this absolute waste of time was still made.

Elysium
refers to the city in space built by the rich.The rich have migrated there to live ever since the environment on Earth
has reached an all-time low.So, of
course the inhabitants on Earth are the poor dirty people that work in
factories that support the rich.The
people still on Earth pay lots of money to try and get on a shuttle that will
take them to Elysium.On Elysium, they
have beds that can heal humans of pretty much anything, including aging.This seems like a terrible idea since part of
the reason the rich left was over-population.This is only the tip of the “bad science” iceberg of Elysium.So, the sick and injured poor pile into shuttles that have stolen access
codes that will hopefully allow them to get through the automatic defenses of
Elysium.

Down on
Earth, one such factory grunt is Max (Damon).He works at a factory that builds robots for the rich businessman John
Carlyle (William Fichtner).We are not
really told what these robots do, but we see some similar robots as bodyguards,
police officers, and servants.For some
reason, they must be irradiated.During
his shift, Max is exposed to a lethal dose of this radiation.Max goes to Spider (Wagner Moura) for a
ticket to Elysium.Of course, he has no
money.So, Spider puts him on a mission
to steal information from a rich Elysium resident, and apparently any will
do.Max picks Carlyle.

Up on
Elysium, the Defense Minister Delacourt (Jodie Foster) is leading a coup to
take over the Presidency, and she has hired Carlyle to help her by writing a
reboot code for the space station.He
does this, but this is when Max, now in a super suit, and some of Spider’s
cronies, hijack Max’s shuttle.This is
also when the film becomes a remake of Johnny
Mnemonic.The reboot code is
uploaded from Carlyle’s brain into Max’s.Delacourt sends ex-Agent now mercenary Kruger (Sharlto Copley) and his
team to apprehend Max.Now, Max must try
to get to Elysium before the radiation kills him while being hunted by
Kruger.There is also a stupid storyline
about Max’s old best-friend Frey (Alice Braga) who is a nurse, and her daughter
that is dying of leukemia.But, like I
said, it is stupid and pointless.

Elysium, flat out, is a dumb movie that
did not need to get made.It is just a
110 minute waste of time and money.Matt
Damon’s acting is bad, but that is not entirely his fault.The script by Blomkamp does him no
favors.Yet, it felt as if Damon was
trying to be Eminem in the role.At what
time did Jodie Foster stop giving a shit about her career?Her role was terrible, and she was terrible
in it.Copley’s Kruger is just an over
the top maniac that spouts bad line after bad line.Braga’s character is there to serve a few
“critical” parts in the script, but they just feel forced.During this onslaught of stupid, Blomkamp’s
slo-mo choices only serve to slow down this already boring film.One time in particular really bothered
me.It happens when Kruger makes a jump
over Max and company to block their progress.I actually laughed at this it was so stupid.I cannot convey to you how completely dumb
Elysium is.Do not waste your time or
money on this.Learn from my mistake.

06 August 2013

Erased, aka The Expatriate outside the US, is a lowly action movie with a few
B-list, border lining on A-list, stars.It was supposedly released theatrically on May 10 or 17, but I have yet
to find a box office take for it, so I doubt that it actually hit theaters.Anyway, it hit DVD a few weeks back, and I
took a quick look.

Erased opens on ex-CIA agent Ben Logan
(Aaron Eckhart) as he works to break through a new type of lock for some
foreign company, The Halgate Group.His
co-worker uncovers that the company does not actually own the patents for the
lock they are trying to break into.His
team is supposed to test the locks of this foreign company.The next day, Logan realizes that his company
is gone, and that it was fake.His whole
involvement in the company has been erased, too, including his back accounts.Meanwhile, someone uses Logan’s lock breaking
device to steal something from a safe deposit box.Also, a subplot about some cover-up over a
boat sinking and killing innocent civilians lurks in the background as
motivation for all of this.

Back with
Logan now, he picks up his daughter Amy (Liana Liberato) from school and they
are immediately attacked.Logan thwarts
the assassin’s attempt, and now they are on the run.The rest of the film plays out pretty much
like every other film of this nature. Logan tries to figure out what happened.He discovers a deep conspiracy involving one
of his old CIA colleagues, Anna (Olga Kurylenko).

Erased suffers from being boring.It starts off with an interesting premise of
a guy who is hired to test the secureness of locks.The conspiracy angle with The Halgate Group
and the boat wreck is interesting, but becomes generic.Erased
is a terrible title change, as it welcomes comparisons to the far superior The Net.It also feels a lot like USA’s Burn
Notice.Arash Amel’s script tries
too hard to do too much with too little.Apparently, he is a good screenwriter, and his Grace of Monaco is being filmed for release later this year.And, he has been hired to pen the unnecessary
I am Legend sequel.Phillip Stolzl’s direction doesn’t help.So much of the dialog cannot be heard because
they are whispering to each other.Then,
BLAM, a gunshot sounds.So, if you have
the volume up to hear them talking, the gunshot is deafening.

Save your
free Redbox code and let this one go.If
you happen to catch it on Netflix, go ahead and give it a chance.It is just not worth the money.This was shelved for a year, and now I can
see why.

Who is the Hairy Man?

I recently got a position with insideSTL.com as a movie critic. I will be posting on there once a week and here the rest of the time. I plan to post links between the sites to increase cross traffic. That means I should post 1 new review a week, at least!