“You Can’t Talk to Anyone”: 4 Trans Military Members Share What It's Like to Serve in the Closet

Yesterday, Donald Trump announced via Twitter that “the United States Government will not accept or allow transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military.” The announcement was a complete 180 from last year, when then-Defense Secretary Ashton Carter issued a ruling allowing transgender people to serve openly in the military and receive coverage for all doctor-recommended medical care, including gender affirmation surgery. Before then, transgender service members — of whom there are an estimated 134,000, with up to 15,000 currently serving — were forced to stay in the closet, often foregoing medical treatment, in order to keep their jobs.

If Trump’s ban goes into effect (as of now, the Pentagon says no changes will be made until the Secretary of Defense receives official direction), transgender people who want to serve their country will once again have to hide their own identities to do so. Ahead, current and former service members share what it's like to be forced to serve in the closet, along with their reactions to Trump’s announcement.

Brynn Tannehill, 42, former naval aviator, who served for 17 years.

Courtesy of Brynn Tannehill

“The entirety of my time in the service was before the end of ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ [in 2011]. I knew exactly what would happen if I breathed a word of [my gender identity] to anyone. And I didn’t know any other transgender service members. It wasn’t until after the advent of social media and after the end of ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ that people had enough ways to identify lesbian and gay service members who were starting to come out to go, ‘Hey, I think I'm trans. Where do I go? Who do I talk to?’

"It was really, really hard. This is something you can never speak about to anybody; you’re always looking over your shoulder; you’re always dealing with untreated gender dysphoria. You can’t talk to mental health professionals; you can’t talk to other service members; you can't talk to anyone. People understand that life in the closet for lesbian and gay service members was very, very hard; and in a lot of ways, it’s even harder on transgender service members because they are basically foregoing needed medical care in order to stay in the closet, to not lose their jobs.

"[When the Obama administration announced the lift of the ban], it didn’t include the accession part of the policy... It was supposed to come out on July 1 of this year, [so I would have been able] to go from inactive reserves to the drilling active reserves.

[That was recently delayed], and with this announcement, it basically slams the door shut on any real hope I have of getting back in. It's maddening, and frustrating, and just illustrates how utterly senseless this is — the claim that, ‘We can’t afford to have these people; we can’t afford to provide medical care for transgender people.’ We already know that this costs next to nothing, that the military spends [$84] million a year on [erectile dysfunction medicines]...but they can’t afford $2.5 million for medical care for transgender service members? [Ed. note: A 2016 Rand Corp. study commissioned by the Department of Defense estimated that transition-related care for service members would cost the military between $2.4 million and $8.4 per year.]

"[And] for me, I’m already done transitioning. It costs absolutely nothing [in transition-related care] to get me back. The idea that someone who lives and functions in the military environment already, in my target gender, would be disruptive is obviously wrong. And on top of that, the military spent $2.5 million educating me. I retain those skills; I still practice those skills, and the military can’t get any return on investment on that because of this.

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"So tell me how this costs the military anything. Tell me how this is disruptive. Tell me how this is smart, to decide that you don’t want any sort of return on your investment, when it costs next to nothing.

"This hurts good people who want to serve their country; who want to do the right thing; who are willing to support and defend the constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic, at the expense of their lives. They have families; they have units they're supporting. It hurts those units; it hurts those families; it hurts those people, and for what purpose, other than to score a political point? Thousands and thousands of people with their lives destroyed; with their careers destroyed; with their families hurt, to make a political point [and] score a few extra votes in some Midwest states."

Sheri Swokowski, 67, retired Army colonel, who served for almost 35 years.

Courtesy of Fair Wisconsin

“The only way I could deal with [being forced to keep my gender identity a secret while serving] was to deeply suppress it, so I could concentrate on being the best leader and the best commander, to take care of my soldiers. And that’s exactly what I did. For very infrequent periods, I would go out and purchase female clothing and wear them for a couple hours or maybe a day, and then end up purging them as the guilt set in because I wasn't exhibiting the behavior expected of a male. So, it was pretty taxing. I kept my secret to myself for five-plus decades. I finally shared it with my last spouse — I've been married multiple times, but my marriages were probably doomed from the start because living inauthentically does little to foster personal relationships — and moved forward from there.

"I don’t know that three tweets a policy make, and I don’t think anybody knows right now what this means. [But] I was shocked, surprised, disappointed — a lot of emotions, and I had those emotions because I could not believe the commander-in-chief of all of our military folks would turn his back on 15,000 individuals that serve on a daily basis to help to keep our country free and safe.

"I often wonder how much better an officer I would have been had I been allowed to serve authentically while in uniform. Transgender soldiers in the marines serving today are able to focus — at least until yesterday — on their jobs. And any time you focus fully on [your] job without that being-in-the-closet thing hanging over your head [and the] fear of being discovered [or] losing your job, your individual performance gets better. Your individual readiness gets better and, as a result, the unit readiness gets better as well. So people [who] say this detracts from readiness really don’t have an understanding of what makes up readiness."

Blake Dremann, 36, Navy lieutenant commander, who has been serving for 11 years.

"I’m female to male and I was one of the first women to integrate submarines... You learn to compartmentalize [when serving in the closet]. You have to, because there's a mission that needs to be done. So you have to compartmentalize it and do the dual-life thing, which is stressful — but at the same time, there are bigger things going on than my identity.

"[When the Obama administration reversed the ban on transgender people serving openly], it was exciting and it was a stress relief. I didn’t have to watch what I say, or who I talk to, or anything like that with regards to names, and pronouns, and who knew what. [After Trump’s announcement], it’s a lot of, 'Okay, what does that mean? Where do we go from here? Does that mean that I’m out of a job? Does that mean that I no longer get my medical care? What does that mean?' And it leaves a lot of shock and disorientation as far as being able to continue on with the missions that I’m already contributing to. It feels betraying for me, personally, to say that my service that I’ve already contributed doesn’t mean anything, or that I can’t continue.

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"For those [who] are openly serving and those [who] are thinking of coming out, continue to do what you’re doing. Do the missions that we’ve been assigned and continue to contribute to the greater military mission. And we will fight to make sure that your service continues to go on, as advocates and as open and out service members."

Jennifer Long, 52, retired Army sergeant major, who served for 29 years.

Courtesy of Jennifer Long

LUCAS JACKSON

"I began with [my] medical transition, taking hormones, in 2009. So between 2009 and 2012 is a number of years and, as you can imagine, as [I went] further and further, [I was] living [my] life in two very different segments: one in uniform, [as] a sergeant major, that strong male role model; and then in the off hours, when I [wasn’t] in uniform, I [was] living as Jennifer Long. So you have two very different roles I was living in, which created a lot of anxiety for me. It created more stress in my life than needed; and when I got out, and I was open, and I made the transition — both medically and legally — all that stress had dissipated.

"I [came out] to a small number of individuals while I was deployed in Afghanistan, but wide-reaching open service was not something that was allowed at the time. So if I had admitted to being transgender, I would have been released from service. In the end I was released anyway; word did get out that I was transgender...in August 2012, and I was asked to retire.

"From the [people] I came out to while I was overseas, I got nothing but support. They became my closest friends; my [strongest] allies; they were my circle of friends I relied on so much. At the end of [my] career, once the word got out in the infantry battalion that I was in fact transgender and that I am transitioning, a lot of people distanced themselves from me in a great way. Many of them turned their backs on me.

"You think about today’s service members. We’ve got 15,000 [transgender] U.S. service members currently [who] are serving in the American military through all branches and all skill sets — pilots, to naval commanders, to military commanders to enlisted soldiers, doing their jobs with distinction and honor. And now you look at those folks who are now looking at a separation of service, [and] it may not be honorable. They're going to have far-reaching consequences in their civilian lives, from medical care and education, [to] seeking [and] securing new employment. [The White House] talks about readiness and…says having transgender folks will affect readiness. Well, the loss of 15,000 talented service members is also a degradation of readiness. 15,000 members is an awful lot of military personnel to lose overnight across the forces, that [does] not need to happen."