An Idiot’s HORRORible Movie Review: DRACANO

We still have a thing in our little town called a “video store” in which you can still rent and purchase videos OFF A SHELF. I’m sure the younger readers have no idea what that means, but for people in my age bracket these things were a fact of life growing up. You could get movies, video games or in some places game systems or the classic VCR’s with a handle all for rent for whatever ridiculous price they decided was good for the time.

Now, our local store does most of that I think, but what I like is they sell the movies that don’t rent very well for dirt freaking cheap. Like 5 for $10 cheap and since the movies that generally don’t rent are awful, right up my alley.

Summary: The first thing you need to know is that Parker Lewis from “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” is in this and he’s a volcanologist. He also can’t lose. Anyway, he’s a widower with a teenage daughter that is running an experimental program for a generic college in Oregon. It just so happens that the volcano he is studying erupts and he takes the blame for it.

So our hero now has no job and the blame for 50,000 deaths have been dumped on him by the military (never says which branch so I’ll go with Army) and his shitty community college. This genius decides he, his daughter and the chick he works with that he’s in love with, will investigate because that’s how that works.

Before I get too far off into the main plot (trust me the movie does a worse job of this than me, if that’s possible) there is also the story of a bitchy reporter and her hard working assistant threaded throughout the film. Like, the reporter chick is the WORST and I guess her little buddy doesn’t know that other TV stations exist or something. Back to these award winners in a minute.

Anyway our heroes immediately discover that the military is covering up fucking DRAGONS being the cause for volcano eruptions and that they have been doing it for a very long time in multiple locations (including Area 51 which…isn’t a volcano).

So now our heroes have to find a way to stop the mommy dragon from waking up before the President turns Oregon into a smoking crater.

Back to our subplot, our dorky reporters flunky gets secret government information about the cover up from a guy in almost the exact same car that our hero drives (high budget at work.). This turns out to mean nothing because when she gets this info there are already CGI dragons fucking everywhere and it’s kind of a dead issue as far as big news goes. They never paid off who gave her the information and the bitchy reporter ends up dragon food so ummm…yeah.

So they end up using the doctors experiment inside a dragon cocoon to make the volcano erupt. That’s all I’ll say about that horseshit…

Any-who, the heroes end up saving the day in the dumbest way fucking possible, the stupid assistant chick is now a reporter, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Until 4 months later when the dragons attack again. I guess Parker Lewis CAN lose.

An Idiot’s Opinion:Well, this sucked. I kinda suspected it would when I heard the name of the god damn thing, but sometimes you have to go all in. The tragic part of this movie is the fact that Parker Lewis has seemed to have lost all the zing off his acting fastball. I wasn’t drinking so this wasn’t even that funny in an ironic way. I would suggest if you watch it, do so under some sort of mind altering substance and it will increase your enjoyment immensely.

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