girl scout cookies

The Girls Scouts of America have officially been given the ‘green light’ to begin selling marijuana edible cookies in states where the drug has been legalized. Starting in April of 2017, Girl Scout troupes in Maine, Colorado, Massachusetts, and Washington D.C., among others, will be able to sell edibles.

“Our cookies have long been a favorite of stoners nationwide,” said Girl Scouts of America president Jane Marshall. “With the legalization of recreational marijuana in several states, we decided it was time to really open ourselves up to the marijuana community. That is why we created two new products to be sold in legalized states.”

Marshall says that they will be creating Samosas and Thin Mints, their top-selling cookies, that are infused with the marijuana plant.

“These cookies will be made available only to adults, aged 21 or older, and they will only be available for purchase through the parents of a Girl Scout troupe. The children themselves will not be able to sell or consume these cookies,” said Marshall. “We are very happy with how these cookies have come out, and we think they will be a huge boost to the fundraising these girls do every year.”

Yearly sales of Girl Scout Cookies total approximately $700 million. This year, the plan is to surpass the $1 billion mark.

A man in Maine was hospitalized with severe stomach issues after it was discovered that he was using his wife’s breast milk to dunk his cookies into.

Thomas Towner, 30, had apparently been sneaking into the family kitchen for weeks, dunking his favorite Girl Scout cookies into glasses of his wife, Vanessa’s, breast milk.

“We just had our first baby, and Vanessa has been pumping non-stop,” said Thomas. “We have a massive surplus of it in the fridge and freezer. I accidentally got a little on my hand one time while feeding the baby, and I just licked it off, without really thinking about it. It was delicious. Ever since, I can’t get enough of the stuff.”

Doctors say that they pumped more than a gallon of breast milk out of Thomas’ stomach.

“Breast milk is rich with nutrients and minerals, and it’s good for babies – not so much for adults, though,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Maine General Hospital. “Mr. Towner had been drinking so much of the stuff, it was poisoning his body. We do not at all recommend drinking your own, or your wife’s, breast milk. Save that stuff for the baby. They need it more than you.”

Wal-Mart stores have announced this morning that they will no longer be allowing members of any Girl Scout troops to sell cookies in front of their stores, claiming that Girl Scout Cookies directly compete with their own ‘Great Value’ brand of cookies.

“We, as a company, have decided to no longer allow the Girl Scouts of America to sell their cookies in front of our establishments,” said Douglas Mcmillon, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, INC. “We at Wal-Mart sell our own line of baked snack foods, including several cookie flavors that the Girl Scouts also sell. We have come to the decision that they are a competing brand, and management at all locations has been informed to deny permission to any troops looking to sell at their stores.”

Wal-Mart has been allowing Girl Scout troops to set up tables and sell their cookies in front of stores for decades. Suddenly and abruptly pulling their permission has come as a shock to many parents of young Girl Scout members, many of whom say they will boycott the company completely.

“I cannot believe that they would do something like this to our girls,” said Mary Lambert, a mother of 2 girls in the Scout program. “We have been going to our local Wal-Mart and selling cookies together as a group for the last 3 years. This is an outrage. If they think I’m going to buy their stupid cookies, they are dead wrong. I won’t buy anything there anymore!”

“We understand that people are going to be upset,” said Mcmillon. “There isn’t much we can do to change that. They sell Caramel Delites, we sell Caramel Fudge and Coconut Cookies. They sell Thin Mints, we sell Chocolate Mint Wafer Cookies. It’s about the Scouts stealing money from us, and we can’t have that. You don’t see Coca-Cola parked in front of Pepsi retailers selling their sodas, do you?”

Although not as numerous in locations as Wal-Mart, big box retailer K-Mart has stepped up to the plate, offering their locations as selling points for all Girl Scout troops.

“We don’t sell our own brand of cookies. To be honest, we don’t sell much of anything,” said Patricia Miller, president of Sears Holdings, the parent company of K-Mart. “All Girl Scout troops are more than welcome to block our entryways to sell their delicious cookies.”

Curiously, Wal-Mart has not banned the Boy Scouts of America from selling their popcorn tins in front of their locations. Parents of several Girl Scout members think it’s less about money, and more about sexism.

“Wal-Mart is known for being horrible to their workers, and being downright abysmal to their female employees,” said Lambert. “We think this is just more sexism from the biggest company in the world. They’re banning our girls, but the boys can shill their popcorn ’til the cows come home.”

Several troop leaders, as well as many groups of parents throughout the country, have initiated a boycott of Wal-Mart stores. At the time of this writing, Wal-Mart representative could not be reached for further comment.