The Art of Pretending to Have Your Shit Together

I’ve come to the conclusion that it might actually be harder to fake your way through college than it is to just do the manual labor. Unfortunately, these perfectly manicured hands were not made for work. I would rather spend four hours trying to score an Addy connection than four hours studying for a test. It may take longer, but there are just so many pages in each textbook, which is intimidating when your brain’s not being manipulating by synthetic substances, and last I checked, I have never allowed myself to be intimidated by anything or anyone. So you find a friend, buy their Starbucks, and pop their pills. Four hours later, you’re in front of your computer, zipping through an assignment that you probably won’t remember anything about once the juice wears off. It’s a beautiful thing.

The point is, I could really have my shit together if I wanted to. I could make the Dean’s List the old-fashioned way. I could be recognized by the school for a fantastic thesis, graduate, and score a real job that will make daddy super proud, but where does the interesting part come in? There’s nothing fun about wasting four years of being a full-time student on actually being a full-time student. So I’m a part-time student, part-time rush chair/party girl/sweetheart/coffee enthusiast/crafting expert. A woman of all trades, if you will, and it requires a lot of (pretend) hard work.

Dress Like You Have Big Plans

I’m all about the norts and t-shirt look during class and post-dinner power walks. It would go against my religion (sorority life) if I weren’t. However, in the presence of certain people, the Blair Waldorf in you had better come out full swing. No one is going to believe that you’re going places in life if you don’t look the part. When you’re coming back to your hometown, meeting with your academic advisor, attending panhellenic functions, or hosting alumnae brunches, pearls and primping are in order. Some situations require a little extra oomph. You’re trying to convince people that you’re not just in school to find a guy to buy your duds and drinks (even though you are, no judgement).

Take Classes That Sound Hard, But Don’t Require a Lot of Work

This can be tricky. Some people may call it impossible. I call it the beginning of every semester. Registration is quite possibly the most important part of getting an education, because if you blow it, you’re stuck with terrible professors and ugly TAs. RateMyProfessors.com is your friend. Look for keywords like “heavy curves,” “open-note tests,” or the often overlooked, but very important “posts lecture notes online.” Finding professors who will let you get by with minimal effort is the key to academic success. It’s possible to do this for almost every course you’re required to take if you do your research. You should not have to put forth effort in more than one class per semester. Also, for the love of all that is holy, look out for professors who don’t like the Greek system because you’ll have two choices: A.) run (preferred), or B.) don’t wear letters for the entire semester (impossible).

Hold an Officer Position

Nothing says “I have important responsibilities” like a perfectly crafted signature on each of your emails. If you take your sorority seriously at all, you should want to be involved, so you can leave your mark and hopefully pass down your officer position to your little (there’s nothing I love more than a good family tradition). It’s not too much extra responsibility, as long as you’re up for it. Besides, why wouldn’t you want an excuse to spend less time in the library and more time with your sisters? Pick something like academic chair. You’ll have firsthand access to the test bank, before anyone else can get their hands on the best scored tests and “accidentally” misplace them. Your professors will respect your involvement, you’ll gain more “leadership experience” to brag about to future employers, and your GPA will thank you.