"Imagine finding out you got rejected from community college, then finding out that your alcoholic father got arrested for domestic abuse, you lost all your life savings in a Ponzi scheme, and all of this happens to you while you're on the space shuttle Challenger. Then you wake up and it's all a bad dream, except you realize that you're at work without clothes on, and work is NASA and you're really on the space shuttle Challenger. That's what this movie is like, only infinitely worse. Everything about this movie pissed me off, save for the lesbian finger bang scene. Except even that sucked because it wasn't in the movie."

"When the iPhone was first announced, CEO Steve Jobs spewed enough BS to cover a football field full of babies 3 feet deep in bullshit, which sounds cool because he could have potentially murdered a football field full of babies, but he passed on this opportunity by introducing the phone instead."

"What are the odds that a simple geometric folding of a $20 bill with elements of design that were conceived in 1928 by a committee of treasurers, a full 42 years before the World Trade Center even existed, could accidentally contain a representation of both terror attacks? Pretty good, apparently."

"Don't you retards think before you click "Send" that maybe someone on the other end is actually going to read your stupid, malformed emails some day? It's almost like there's a record full of incomprehensible bullshit playing in your mind 24/7, and you put the needle down randomly and whatever it picks up, you just type it up in an email and shoot it off to me, usually mid-sentence."

"Notice the telltale sign of a man who has a penchant for boy ass: the pedophile-smile or 'pedosmile.' It's part smirk, part grin, and all molester. It's like he's having a two-for-one sale on rape, no refunds or exchanges."

"Fernando is wanted for 'murder with a deadly weapon' according to the FBI website. As opposed to being wanted for murder with a non-deadly weapon?"

"Elizabeth Duke is possibly the only person on the FBI list wanted for communism. What a bitch! Duke was a member of the extremist group, May 19th Communist Organization, whose objective was the violent overthrow of the US. The group was largely active from 1978 to 1985, at which time they got busted and thrown in jail where their new objective became to prevent any violent uprisings in their ass. She's the only one still around. It's not really a group anymore if it's just you, dipshit! America wins."

"Okay, here's a tip: if you're doing something creepy like molesting children, you don't need to take topless photos of yourself to seal the deal. We know, the pedosmile is enough."

"Kenley is alleged to have sexually assaulted her eleven-year-old stepson, then ditched out on bond. The FBI says Kenley has ties to Arkansas. Talk about trying to find a needle in a hay stack."

"If you've ever wondered what someone who's horny enough to pay a bunch of adolescents $5000 in cash in exchange for some action looks like, take a good look at Ms. Walker's picture. Three words: battery operated dildo. Or if you happen to be a stickler for brevity like I am, just one word: cucumber. Because, damn."

"HOLY SHIT, I LIVE NEXT TO THE DRY PEA AND LENTIL CAPITAL OF THE WORLD? Why didn't anyone tell me??? Here I've been shit-listing Utah for all these years, when I've been living in a state that borders the dry pea and lentil capital of the world. I hereby revoke anything bad I've ever said about Idaho. And by revoke, I mean reaffirm."

"New rule: if your state has more cows than people, you don't get to be a state anymore."

"It simultaneously warms my heart and wears my delete key when I get emails from twelve-year-olds."

"Thank you Joe Nobody for giving me your expert opinion on what missile sounds like, because gas station superintendents are usually the best people to ask about the sonic signature of ballistic missile thrust."

"Most of the screen on a blog is blank for an imaginary populace of readers still using 640x480 resolution. I didn't buy a 19" monitor to have 50% of its screen realestate pissed away on firing white pixels, you assholes."

"Note that the name of the show is 'Trippin' ' and not 'Tripping' because the addition of the letter 'g' would not be consistent with the views of MTV's urban youth demographic who tend to frown upon linguistic formalities such as proper enunciation. I mean, proper 'nunciation, yo!"

"The theme song states "YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE... YOU GOT THE POWER TO MAKE A CHANGE." Wow, thank you MTV, for making me feel empowered and independent, like only a multinational media conglomerate can."

I have a different stance on abortion: I'm against abortion, but for killing babies. That way everyone loses, and I win. I'm neither pro choice, nor pro life; I'm pro you-shutting-the-hell-up. The only way I'd be "pro choice" is if it meant I could choose which babies I could abort, and only then if I could lift the age restriction to 80."

"I was going to write about how I was going to take away women's right to vote, but that one is pretty obvious since nobody wants women to vote, except for women, and they don't count."

"She started crying when she saw the busted colon I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games."

"That reminds me of how much I hate babies. Why does everyone want to save them? There are too many babies. I'm not saying we should kill them, but if you happen to be giving your baby a bath and the phone rings.. well, nobody will judge you. Besides, you might get free brownies out of it at the funeral, and brownies rule."

"I'm impressed that they've been able to take a 2D character with a 1D personality and bloat it into a 3D disaster."

"When I say this game is hard, I mean hard like nipples-on-a-blind-lesbian-in-a-fish-market hard."

"I don't get it: they re-package the same shitty football games every year, update a few stats, call it a new game and millions of suckers keep buying them. What's the point? Why not just go outside and play real football instead? Or even better yet, get bent. Nobody likes football."

"Why are politicians so full of shit? Why can't there be a congressman (congressman, yes man, tough shit to all you feminists) that just speaks his mind without the meaningless bullshit and ass kissing?"

"I subscribe to an email service from CNN called "CNN Breaking News." Basically every time shit hits the fan, you're supposed to receive an email. Most of the "breaking news" I've received has been as earth shattering as an actor arrested for drunk driving. Wow, now excuse me while I change my freshly soiled boxers."

"How can a movie be "one of the best"? There's only one "best" movie, so saying something is "one of the best" is stupid and doesn't make sense. Technically any movie that's not the worst could be considered "one of the best." Imagine that, another empty phrase used by marketing people. I want to punch someone in the throat."

"In an effort to salvage the money I wasted on this bullshit, I ate six cups of jello, one bag of corn nuts, a Soynut bar, and a bag of jelly beans for dinner. The only thing X-TREME about this experience was the X-TREME dump I took later that night:"

"For example, the cover on the right depicts Lobo (also known as "the main man") kicking Santa's ass. Santa did something to piss Lobo off (or nothing, it makes no difference), and Lobo RUINED HIS SHIT."

"Finally when the movie started, I thought the bullshit ads were over, but no. First thing they showed was a "coke break" sponsored and produced by coke. [...] I paid $7 for a movie, NOT FOR BULLSHIT ADVERTISEMENTS."

"The next time you ask someone how their day is going, expect, no, DEMAND a response. Don't settle for good. Demand the truth. Make them admit that they're having a shitty day, and then do your best to make it worse."

"Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples."

"Some people think I'm conceited. Oh well. All my friends think I'm better than they are. Sometimes my friends ask 'so how come you rule so much?' One time I decided to play basketball, but I suck at basketball so I lost. Just kidding, I kicked everyone's ass because I'm the best. I own everyone at everything. There's no use in trying to be as good as me because it's impossible. There aren't enough words to describe how good I am. THE UNIVERSE REVOLVES AROUND ME. I AM KING. Everyone wishes they were me. EVERYONE. If I weren't me, I'd wish I was. I love me."

"6. You realize that if 10 million people saw the movie once, each wasting 3 hours of their lives, that 30 million hours have been wasted, and that if each person lived an average of 70 years, 3,424 years, or 49 lives will have been wasted watching the Titanic. James Cameron has effectively murdered 49 people. (Not necessarily a reason to cry, but it is to a sap that saw Titanic in the first place)."

"4 example the other day i saw a black person walking down the street and i was like "omg a negro" but instead of walking on the other side i said "what would rumsfeld do?" so i stayed on the sidewalk. when he came up to me i wanted to show him that i have no problems with people of color so i said "hey" and offered him my spare change before he could even ask."

"my friend and i were watching mtv the other day when nelly came on and my friend was like "omg nelly rules". hes such an idiot, he only listens to trendy music. at least i like original stuff like beyonce.