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Mission Predictions For 2013

Well, that's it, folks. 2012 has been over for multiple days, and what a year it was. Woody Allen came to town and made us feel all warm and tingly in our lap parts, the Giants won the World Series, also making us feel all warm and tingly in our lap parts, Jesus himself brought Old Style into various Mission bars, rents only went up 29%, we put Cheetos in burritos (delicious!), and SFPD rudely kicked our beloved beer salespeople out of Dolores Park.

Come to think of it, 2012 was a pretty medium year.

But 2013! A whole 365 days of triskaidekaphobia-inducing possibility. What will the year hold for our small chunk of San Francisco? The team here at Uptown Almanac (and a few of our friends) tackle that very question.

Owners and employees of the more 'legitimate' taquerias in the Mission, finally having taken enough, form a vigilante mob and destroy Tacolicious, The Little Chihuahua, and other high-end Mexican restaurants in what will be known as 'TacoNacht'. Police will stand around “unable” to stop the carnage.

By the end of 2013, the sidewalks of SOMA to be officially replaced with a city-approved mix of discarded socks and poop. While residents are initially resistant to the idea, this surface absorbs broken auto-glass easily, and the city moves quickly to expand pilot programs on the basis of public safety.

During Dolores Park renovations, ecologists testing the soil will discover “Dolo mud” is actually not mud at all, but a mixture of spilled beer, burrito stubs, cannabis crumbs and fecal matter.

Due to the Valencia restaurant moratorium, would-be restauranteurs will be forced to vend their purportedly artisanal wares from late night street carts, resulting in organic Scottish/Ethiopian fusion vegan sandwiches being peddled alongside the stalwart churros and bacon-wrapped hotdogs.