Typical internet agony aunt columns work like this: Columnist invites readers to write in with problems, which he then dispenses advice to in a public forum.

That’s great if you are the sort of person who likes helping people, but I really prefer to help myself whenever possible.

So I am going to start a semi-regular column on this blog where I will tell you all MY problems, and YOU, the reader, can offer advice on how to help me solve them. These problems could be of any nature, and will usually be whatever is giving me the shits at any point in time.

Since this is the first issue of this (yet to named) column, I have a number of problems I need solving:

1. I have a 1987 XF Falcon with a 4.1 litre straight 6 carby engine. This car has many problems. Firstly, the car alarm fitted has the siren disabled, but it nonetheless still activates. If I leave the car overnight I wake up every day to find the battery is dead. I have just been disconnecting the battery terminals whenever I finish driving, but this is getting annoying.

Secondly, the car is quite difficult to start when cold. Combined with a dodgy battery this means that it frequently goes flat when attempting to start and I have to jump start it about 3 times a week. It starts fine on the 2nd, 3rd or 4th attempt of the day though.

Car nuts, help me out.

2. I have an issue with the Party Poker client. When playing on multiple tables, after about 30 minutes my (onboard) sound card goes to shit and the volume is reduced to the point where I can only just hear it if I turn my speakers to the maximum setting. This problem is only solved by restarting the PC. This problem only occurs when playing on multiple tables at Party Poker.

3. I like young, thin, asian chicks but my friends only like going to pubs that are full of old, fat, white chicks. Should I get new friends or just learn to love fat slappers?

Whoever provides a working solution to any of these problems will have their comment immortalised on the front page. Stay tuned for more shitty things about my life soon.

The unofficial West Coast Eagles fan daily that calls itself “The West Australian”, publishes this drawing of Fremantle vs West Coast fans in its derby preview article.

Notice the West Coast fan – clean shaven, young, and his mouth is only a little open – presumably this guy is only reacting to the screaming started by the demonic, bearded feral of a Fremantle fan, whose mouth is open so wide that he looks like he is a psychopath with a taste for human flesh.

It must be killing the sports writers at the West to know that Fremantle are doing well this year. It makes their consistent bias in favour of West Coast look even more stupid than usual.