FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.

BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.

DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.

End Of Section

More News

No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen

IOWA CITY, IA–Despite the fact that it cost $350 when purchased two years ago and was still in excellent condition, no one seems to care that area resident Dan Bleidner's Trek 820 mountain bike was stolen from his Lansing Street apartment building Sunday.

Dan Bleidner at the scene of the crime.

"I rode home from the bookstore Saturday night and locked it up like I always do," Bleidner told disinterested neighbor Kyle Specht. "But when I got up Sunday morning, it was gone. Poof! It just vanished into thin air. Can you believe that?"

According to Bleidner, the theft of his bicycle "more than just 'sucks.'" For some reason, though, friends, coworkers, and fellow residents of his building have failed to acknowledge that the loss of his only mode of transportation is "an utter outrage."

Compounding Bleidner's anger is the fact that he "in no way deserved this." Though others may be careless with their bicycles, Bleidner stressed that he was not. At the time of the theft, the bicycle was securely locked to a stairway banister, just feet from the door to his apartment.

"My bike was not out by the street," Bleidner told neighbor Nikki Campbell. "In fact, it's not even visible from the street. Someone had to come into the building in order to see it and steal it. Is that unbelievable or what?"

Campbell replied that she had "never even noticed" that Bleidner kept his bicycle in the hallway.

Upon discovering that the bike was stolen, Bleidner promptly called the Iowa City Police Department. He said he gave police officials a detailed description of the bicycle–down to it's new low-impact Kore gel seat, Shimano brakes, and Homer Simpson sticker–but they were "less than helpful."

"I called the cops right away, before any evidence could be disturbed," Bleidner said. "The policeman on the phone actually asked me if I wanted to have an officer come over. A crime was committed right outside my front door, and the cops are asking me if I want them to investigate? What is going on in this country?"

"Have you seen this bike?"

Officer Dale Randolph arrived three and a half hours later to file a petty-theft report, one of approximately 400 he writes each year.

"When I asked Officer Randolph what the chances were that my bike would be recovered, he said, 'Don't call us, we'll call you,'" Bleidner said. "Then I informed him that the bike was registered with the city and asked if he would like the registration number. So he pauses, as if to think about it, and says, 'Sure, I guess.' Let's just say I was not particularly impressed with this guy."

Dissatisfied with police efforts, Bleidner turned elsewhere for help. At the suggestion of a man who works at the convenience store near his building, Bleidner contacted his landlord.

"The guy at The Market Pantry said that if something belonging to a tenant is stolen, the building owner's insurance should have to cover it," Bleidner said. "But when I tried to explain that to [landlord] Russell [Schalow], he practically hung up on me."

After nearly 20 minutes of listening to Bleidner describe his bike and the responsible manner in which he always locks it, Schalow sent a maintenance man to help him.

"A lot of good that did," Bleidner said. "I was asking Juan all these questions, like, 'Did you see anyone suspicious lurking around the building?' and he just kept saying, 'No, sir. I do not know, sir.'"

Bleidner has since taken the situation into his own hands, blanketing the city with flyers bearing a photo of the lost bicycle and promising a "Large Reward!!!" for information leading to its return.

"There are 65,000 people in this city, and no one saw or heard anything," Bleidner told a young couple as he taped a flyer to a downtown kiosk. "It just doesn't make sense."

Until the crisis is resolved, Bleidner's friends said they intend to avoid him.

"It's too bad that Dan's bike got swiped," friend Pete DiResta said, "but you can only listen to him say, 'It was even locked up' so many times before you want to choke him."

"It was even locked up–with a Kryptonite lock and everything," Bleidner told friend Adam Dorsett. "I told Mike that, and he said crooks know how to break those locks with freon and giant bolt cutters and stuff. Well, if that's true, how the hell can they put 'unbreakable' on the package?"

"You know what I'm going to do?" Bleidner continued. "I'm going to call the Kryptonite 800 number right now. I was using one of their locks, so they have to replace my bike, right?"