LIKE NEARLY EVERY OTHER GREAT country town, all the young people have left. There’s little opportunity to reach for the stars when you’re cutting sandwiches out the back of an outback takeaway shop. So when Kanye West’s highly anticipated seventh studio album, The Life of Pablo, arrived at The Advocate’s doorstep, we knew we had to find somebody to review it.

Rather than wait for somebody’s kid to come home for a visit at the end of term, we thought we’d just get local cattle producer Peter Fontaine to listen to hip hop record and give us his two cents on the experience.

Track by track, this is what the 66-year-old said.

1. Ultra Light Beams (feat. The-Dream and Kirk Franklin)

“It sounds like somebody accidently called you and you can hear them talking,”

“The singing is pretty good but fuck my pretty mouth, this bloke can speak quickly,”

“What’s he talking about?”

“Do people dance to this type of music or do they just sit there?”

2. Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1 (feat. Kid Cudi)

“There’s a lot going on. It’s like looking under the bonnet of a Merc or something,”

“Did he just say ‘please bleach her arsehole?’ what does that mean?”

“Mate, is he a singer or a rapper? Is it the same thing or what?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

3. Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 2 (feat.Desiigner)

“Wait. Start it again? When did the last song finish? Or is it just one song?”

“I can’t hear what they’re saying. It’s like a cattle auction. You just nod your head when you hear what you want to hear.”

4. Famous (feat. Rihanna)

“His voice sounds different now,”

“Is that a girl singing? No, wait. It’s a bloke again,”

“Why is he singing about his dick? Is it famous?”

“Sounds like the radio in the cruiser after the boy’s been in it.”

5. Feedback

“Can you tell me if it’s a different song or is this whole thing just one long bit of noise?”

“How is Kenny West allowed to say the n-word and when Bill down the pub says it, his wife starts crying and they cut him off?”

“How much longer is this going to go for? How long is one hip hop?”

6. Low Lights

“The sheila is singing again,”

“What instrument is this? Sounds like a piano but then it sounds like some bloke flogging a length of poly against a Hills hoist,”

“Is it a sheila? Sounds like Prince but he had a pair of tits and a bucket arse.”

7. Highlights (feat. Young Thug)

“Who? Young Thug? If he’s a thug, why isn’t he in prison?”

“I’m having trouble keeping up with who’s actually singing,”

“Are they all singing together at the same time? Are they the same person?”

“Turn it off. I can’t hear a fucking word this bloke is saying.”

8. Freestyle 4 (feat. Desiigner)

“You know. When I die and end up in Hell for all the things I’ve done. This is what’s going to greet me,”

“This is more irritating than stripping naked and rolling around in a few bags of barley,”

“What type of music is this, it sounds different to what you’ve put me through already.”

9. I Miss the Old Kanye

“Ah right. I thought you said his name was Keith West. It’s Kaneway?”

“Kanyer?”

“So it’s Karn-yaya?”

“What country is that from?”

10. Waves (feat. Chris Brown)

“So you’re saying this bloke jibbering on now is the cunt who toweled his missus up for throwing the keys to his Lamborghini in a pond? I’d be fucking ropable, too,”

“The instrument here. Wait, listen. That one. What’s that? It sounds like a cicada crying out as the sun goes down,”

“I don’t mind this one. It’s not like being locked in a room with some bloke on ice like the other songs. It’s not bouncing off the walls like a superball.”

11. FML (feat. The Weeknd)

“What does FML stand for? What? Fuck my life? This bloke needs to get his head read. He must be able to make a decent quid out of this?

“Again mate, what’s that instrument. Is it a guitar?”

“Is this supposed to be a sad song? I don’t feel sad for this wally.”

“[laughs] Jesus wept. This cunt doesn’t know how to fuck a life up. Try living on washers then getting done for DUI.”

12. Real Friends (feat. Ty Dolla $ign)

“Sounds like I’m listening to this underwater now. Is he underwater?”

“He’s calmed down a bit. Does he smoke dope like Glenn’s son? You’d never see that doughbanging lump show any signs of life,”

“I don’t feel sorry for this bloke at all. He sounds like he wants every bloke to feel sorry for him.”

13. Wolves (feat. Frank Ocean and Caroline Shaw)

“Good Christ, what’s wrong with his voice now? Sounds like he’s singing through a fan?”

“He’s definitely singing through a fan,”

“Right, back to rapping now. Can’t understand a thing he’s saying.”

“Can we turn it off now?”

14. Silver Surfer Intermission

“How much longer? 15 minutes? OK.”

“Who’s he on the phone to now?”

“Do you mind if I smoke in here?”

“Thanks, mate.”

15. 30 Hours (feat. André 3000)

“Errrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh,”

“I’m glad I’m old enough to know I’ll be dead soon,”

“What did that old bloke from Shawshank say? ‘The world’s gone and found itself in a hurry’ or something to that effect?”

“That’s how I feel now.”

16. No More Parties in L.A. (feat. Kendrick Lamar)

“You know, I like Slim Dusty and Bob Dylan and all those boys because you can hear what they’re saying. Maybe if I hadn’t spent my whole life around heavy machinery, I might be able to hear what they’re saying,”