Emory University Invents New Passing Grades: F thru Z

The Emory Quad by Mpspqr, from Wikipedia, which is right about everything.

DRUID HILLS–While it might seem strange to hear of college students graduating with a Q plus average, that could be the reality in the coming years. Emory University is now allowing its professors the full spectrum of the alphabet to use when grading student papers, all of them passing grades.

“I admit it sounded weird to me at first too,” said Alfred A. Bett, Emory spokesperson.

Bett pointed out that the college accepts a wide range of rich people as students, so it’s only fair that they use the full available letter spectrum to reward whatever its privileged student body manages to turn in.

“Let’s be honest with one another here,” said Bett, chuckling. “College isn’t about learning stuff, it’s about exchanging a hell of a lot of money for a stamp of approval. That, and possibly finding someone from a similar or slightly higher socio-economic class to marry.”

Bett pointed out that any college’s business model is to appear as prestigious and exclusive as possible in order to drive up the cost of admission, while simultaneously admitting as many students as possible at that price.

According to him, actual academic rigor is simply bad business. Students get behind on their work, then drop out or transfer, and the word gets out that the school is too hard. Then no one wants to attend anymore and pretty soon the school is just “a big park with empty marble buildings.”

“I mean we’d all love to be as exclusive as we say we are, you know, but the real world is the real world,” he said.

Editor In Chief, Founder, and Admiral of Smugness at The Atlanta Banana, Jim Hodgson has an ass for news. Follow him on twitter at @jimhodgson
He is the author of the hilarious Science Fiction novel Dangerous Dan, available now on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback.