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Sunday, 31 May 2015

Day 11/12 - You have no money

Don't have a clue...woke up in a panic this morning having realised that yesterday my day was so jam packed full of face painting, mothering, house cleaning, worrying about money, yogaing (to try to forget about the worrying) that writing seemed to pass me by without a thought! I need to put it as a reminder in my phone....along with everything else. I would be the worst parent at the school gates if I didn't have a rolling reminder in my phone telling me it is gym day...must put gym clothes on the boy...oh yeah....and also put the uniform into the bag, don't forget snack! I usually then put all reminders for the rest of that day/week in my phone after 9am, that means the boy is at school with everything he needs and all other "important" things will chime away as the day goes on! God....I hate that chiming noise, I sometimes switch it off without even looking at it. God....that can cause a few regrets!

Will need to remind myself to put that reminder in my phone about the writing challenge, the one that lasts 30 days consecutively, fuck, I failed. I fail at a lot of things in life and usually at the last hurdle. Its that notion that I think I can run faster than I actually can, that naive perception that I can do it. My brain never fully understands how intense or important something is at the time, I claim to have a degree, I don't have a full degree, because, as I said, I failed at the last hurdle. I wanted it, didn't actually need it, considering when I look around no one else who earned theirs is really using it for its purpose but still...I should not have failed, I should not have failed myself.

That's a bit harsh on myself...or is it not! I only missed one day and I am trying to make up for it now. I still want to write what I know and write from my heart, bravely.

Today was less hectic than yesterday, no face painting, mothering and worrying were priority as usual but in the afternoon I had a yoga workshop for stress relief. It was for a few hours and included a lot of theory, which I am beginning to love. The yoga teacher reflected on the difference between information we have and knowledge we hold. It is only information to you if you cannot retain it, like when you google something you need to know one day but then have to google it again the next, because just information is hard to retain. Knowledge is when you feel it and just know it, you are involved fully in the learning process of it so that when someone asks you about it you can relay, with a passion, your true knowledge about it.

Halfway through the workshop. I felt somewhat vulnerable, I am not sure where these emotions came from. It happens a lot lately, a sudden wave of emotion just washing over me and it can't be controlled. Maybe I am not suppose to control it, I think I have to learn to accept the waves as they come and let them calm me, as real waves do, and flow and wash over me to release deep emotions in me. I felt a bit shaky, physically, in our asana practice I was off balance, slipping and shaking a lot. I actually feel like my emotions were doing something to my body, the teacher picked up on this, it was a big class! She approached me calmly and spoke to me about it, reassuring me that the deeper you go into yoga practice the more emotions you conjure up to the surface and that this was normal! We all want to be told we are normal...don't we! Am I normal though? I don't have another adult at home to go back to say have you ever felt this, have you ever felt that?? whats wrong with me?? Reassure me?? Contain me and my ever evolving, erratic, impermanent emotions!

During meditation, apart from trying to wiggle my foot out from under me as I was in agony with pins and needles and thinking "when is the 20 minutes up?", I started to appreciate the emotions I was feeling during the afternoon and release them, slowly. I then lost my Yoga Nidra virginity and this was something that truly helped me to release the tension in my body and mind. It was guided and when asked to visualise an intention, for me it was seeing myself teaching in a similar way to my yoga teacher today. I want to help others, and my visualisation saw me helping pregnant women, this was something I had been looking into in the last couple of weeks! I hope this comes true, I really hope it does. My body, mind and spirit want it but my logical brain screams "YOU HAVE NO MONEY"!