I'm happy that depression is a serious topic now

In the extremely sad wake of the early passing of Robin Williams, the topics of depression and suicide have been brought up many times now. It's unfortunate that it took the death of one of the most brilliant men to have ever graced us, but it did open eyes and ears to the debilitating disease of depression. So out of something so bad, came something good.

This is my story. And I hope that the moderators don't see it in bad taste, or unfitting to the rules, or whatever they may come up with, and remove it. This is a life threatening, serious topic that deserves all the light it can get. And who knows? Maybe my words may help a fellow EMC member.

I'm 31 years old. I've been to the breaking point as many, many, many others have. I have stared emotionless into the barrel of a gun. I have been there. I've walked in those shoes. I have been to the depths of my own mind and carefully studied the belief of being better off dead. I've had success, money, friends, a roof over my head, nice frivolous things, and I was completely miserable inside. It's not that I didn't appreciate what I had, it's just that depression makes you not know what makes you happy. It makes you lose sight of everything. It makes you know what's wrong, but doesn't give you a single damn clue as to what can make it stop.

Thoughts, scenarios, fantasies.. You can't stop it. You can't make it go away. And neither can your friends, because they don't know what to say or do, nor do you know what to ask of them. It's a deep, black pit that you alone are stuck in, with no sign of light or hope. Those thoughts and fantasies become overbearing. They start to become your reality. They control your every wish and desire.

Because of such, I lost my success, money, many friends, my roof and things. I lost it all. Including my mind. I was depressed and had those thoughts before I lost everything. Imagine how I felt when I did.

Thanks to a couple friends who listened, I survived.

For anyone to say that suicide is a "cowardly" thing to do, "selfish", or a "cop-out", you are only speaking on a subject you've never been fully enveloped in. You've never been to the point where you honestly believe that it is the only option. You don't understand the days, weeks, months, years of having these thoughts and weighing the pros and cons of the deed.

The idea that leaving pain upon you, the survivor, is, in itself, selfish. The disease of depression is not yours. It is mine and millions of others. It is not something that we can just "get over". It is not something that you will ever fully understand, until you experience it for yourself.

The suicide of Robin Williams hurt everyone. But in an incredibly fast time, that pain turned to joy as we all remembered him for what he gave us while he was with us. Laughter. Joy. Fun. Caring. The focal point changed. The pain lifted. His family will grieve longer than any of us will, but they too are taking solace in his gifts.

If you EVER feel depressed, please, please, please, tell someone. It is not something you can fight and win on your own. Had I never said anything, I wouldn't be here typing this out today.

Yes. A lot of people will not understand what is going on in your head. A lot will not know what to say. But that's ok. No one knows what to say, or what to do. Not even you. But someone will be there to genuinely listen and be there for you when you are ready and able to talk about it. Even if you can never find the words to tell them what exactly is going on, they will be there for you. And believe me, that is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge help.

The friends that listened to me, still don't know what all I was feeling. And they never will, because I can't fully describe it. There just aren't words for it. They'll never fully know, or understand, how much them just being there meant to me. Sitting with me in silence for weeks worth of hours, the occasional random hug I would give them, the forced smiles I gave them at times...All amounted to my recovery. I can't thank them enough.

These types of people are around you too. If you feel you can't find any, keep trying. Message me if you need to. I'm always willing to listen and help out as best as I can. Just don't be afraid to say something.

When I have been depressed (the clinical kind, not just a bad day), one of the hardest parts is the feeling that it's never going to stop. I have learned through many years of practice to recognize this feeling and start making healthy changes. When I was younger I would act impulsively, erratically, addictively, angry, etc. I just didn't know what to do and didn't know how to get help. Honestly, I would never have called a hotline (I totally respect anyone who does, I just couldn't), and it was unrealistic to think that my piers would know what was wrong or how to help. Even having experienced depression, it's hard to understand or explain, so it's no wonder people usually don't know what's happening. Depression makes everything feel difficult, so seeking help is exhausting and feels pointless. It can be a deadly downward spiral.

Depression is frequently a symptom of some less obvious diagnosis. There are many causes and therefore treatment is not so simple as taking a pill or just 'feeling better' or talking about it. Any of those things may be necessary or helpful, but also, if there is some persistent problem, it will usually need treatment before the depression can also improve.

When I am feeling horrible, I can always find a 'reason', but often with depression, it starts with the horrible feeling and then a need to have a reason or even make a reason. This knowledge can be helpful to empower people with sad feelings that may be depression. Clearly if I feel like taking my own life because I feel horrible, then I don't need an expert to diagnose me with depression, so there needs to be a useful reason to pay a visit if I'm going to the doctor. This is what I suggest:

Ask a family member to call your primary doctor and explain that you are concerned you need treatment for depression and make an appointment. The doctor doesn't need to know the 'reason' on the phone or what you are feeling like doing to hurt yourself or anything like that. If you called and said you have a broken arm, the doctor would want you to pay a visit, and depression is no different. I have always found, that a depression lifts just in time for me to cancel an appointment or tell the doctor that I don't have depression any more or that I don't remember why I was feeling bad. DON'T CANCEL. I have always felt lousy again in a short time, and I have talked to many others who agree with this almost magical lifting of depression when visiting a doctor, I'm guessing most doctors also know a little something about this effect.

This is a critical moment. Explain to the doctor the duration and intensity of your depression. People who are not prone to depression rarely react in depressed ways, so most doctors will recognize depression easily and agree to work with you for treatment. Usually a doctor will offer pills, (almost always), but don't get the wrong idea, I think in this situation it's like treating a headache. Pills can sometimes shake off the depression for a little while. It's usually not a magic bullet, but a person can use any boost they get to clear their head and work on getting better. (healing)

What needs to get better or what healing is needed? Here is non exhaustive list of things that can trigger depression:

Physical, Sexual or Emotional abuseHeart problemsInfection, Mono, just about any diseaseDrug use (even if it's under the direction of a doctor a drug may trigger depression, just read the side effects)Chemical Imbalance (a generic term that means something we can't yet explain)Food Allergies (I'm allergic to soy, it makes me sick AND feel crazy. Might be your cat, pollen, it really happens)Liver problemsPancreatic problemsCancer, TumorsChronic DehydrationEating Disorders (Might also be caused by depression which might be caused by some other problem)Sleep disorders (apnea or snoring, I also have this)Nutrient Shortages (anything your body needs but isn't getting)Mental Disorders (also treated with medication sometimes, but usually not the same ones as generic depression)Hormonal imbalance

Enough, this is why it's good to check with a doctor, any of these might be easily detected with simple blood tests and treated, but often it will take more than one visit to figure out what's the root cause. None of the issues listed are the fault of the depressed person and logically, you wouldn't tell someone to 'just feel better' if they had one of those conditions. For this reason, it's a good idea to take depression seriously and look for the advice of a medical professional.

Personally sometimes I Wonder what's the point of living if we eventually die ,-,

The point of living isn't diminished by the tiny fact that you, me, and everyone you know are going to someday hit the hay and never get up. Life is a gift, and what you use with it is what determines who you are. It's best to just enjoy yourself, be selfless in the process while also trying to learn new things everyday. One thing that helps me enjoy life is by getting to know new people. Every one you meet, whether rich or poor, gamer or not, old or young, has a story. And reading the story is a great way to learn new things. Over the years you'll grow wiser. That's when you can pass your wisdom to the next generation. Don't let your knowledge fizzle out. Talk to them about the troubles and problems you had overcome, as well as the good times as well.

How you know you had a good life depends on your own personal goals, my goals are as follows: someone to love who loves in return, a nice income, maybe a home and a car or two. And right now these things are out of my reach. For now. But that's what life is about. It's about earning those things. It's about proving your worth to the world. It's about getting to the pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. This is especially important if the world is still in front of you, as you're young. Everyday think of y our objectives, and how you'll achieve them, then do one thing each day that brings you closer to every goal you have. That's why I haven't been too active lately. I am working on becoming a digital artist so that I can draw for my visual novels. Everyday I work on a drawing or two for a few hours, then call it quits because digital art is tedious as I'm still learning.

But I still enjoy every moment of it. When you think you aren't going anywhere, when you feel crushed, simply remember what Confucius said, "It doesn't matter how slow you go, so long as you don't stop." If you are alive, congratulations you have not stopped. Don't stop. If you stop yourself you don't go anywhere, you just prevent your situation from ever getting better. That's why it's important to always carry on, and have a great time living.

If you ever need help, I suggest contacting a close friend you can trust and talk about it. My friends have always been able to point me in the right direction, and have helped me see the value in life more than ever.

I really don't know what to say besides thank you for sharing everyone. You explained so much, what so many others cannot explain to other people. I deal with it everyday. My husband and my family don't understand. I have dealt with it since I was 14. I don't mean the usual "Omg my parents don't get me" kind of junk either. I have many things I usually enjoy doing, but depression makes you feel as if they aren't enjoyable anymore. For me this then starts a chain reaction of apologizing for everything, then apologizing for apologizing, apologizing even more until it gets to the point you don't know what to say. I don't want to go into too much detail here unless I have to but this number has helped me multiple times. Save it in your phone if you need it.