Hello, joined a year ago

I joined this group last year, I was definitely at a crisis point at the time and felt it helpful to read about peoples failed attempts and their regrets of it. I was mostly afraid of my attempt not working and being left in a much worse position than before.

Possibly not the ideal way to convince someone not to try, as it didn't make me not want to die, just made be believe that I would fail at it and that would be worse. But anything that stops you must be good right?

I'm not at a crisis point now, though I am in my down phase and that has hit a new (hopefully temporary?) slump recently. I'm more afraid of going out and interacting with people than usual (my main problem is anxiety) and this is making me feel pretty low.

I'm kinda here though because I thought it might help to talk about the subject or at least find people that think as I do. My counseller always points out to me that I circle "thinking about hurting myself or that I would be better off dead more than half the time" even when I seem more positive. I feel that the feeling of prefering to be dead will always be with me no matter what, I don't see it as a massively serious thing, I'm used to it. I've never been afraid to die. I just think I've got so used to thinking this way it will never go. It feels like a non issue to me yet freaks out so many people that I think it must be an issue I don't see.

That does make sense. I had a therapist previously who told me that people have different thought process. I constantly mentally hang myself, pretty much anywhere and everywhere, and she said that because it was not distressing to me, maybe its normal for me and ok. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, just a thing that I do. Maybe the same applies to you, with regards to death. However, that doesn't mean it won't go if you work hard to change your thought processes. I guess maybe it depends on the circumstances and why you think about death and hurting yourself so much.

I'm not sure how useful I find having a counseller, there's probably nothing big I can think of, only small things. Mostly it helps that there is someone I can say these things to as I don't really have many other options. It was also very valuable having someone else agree with me that I needed to move out of my previous house as nobody was agreeing with me on that. When I was a lot worse before xmas and in the previous house counselling was the only thing I was making it outside for, I might have ended up in a worse position without it.

I'm not sure how much it's helping right now though, maybe because I've hit a slump I feel that way but I feel like I'm wasting her time. Yesterday I felt totally unwilling to go along with anything she was saying.