7 everyday habits of highly productive people

SAN FRANCISCO – Here are 7 everyday habits of successful people. You should have these habits as well.

1. Make lists: This is a list.

2. Crush a bug: Find a bug in your house, trap it, and grind it into the floor. Maybe an ant or mosquito; it’s not important what kind. You may spend your days sorting mail or cleaning gutters but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set aside 5 minutes each morning to remind yourself that you still have the power to take a life.

3. Do cocaine: Cocaine is incredibly popular. It’s inexpensive, widely available and will send you off to work with a skip in your step. Put down that tepid cup of joe and try some pure, uncut Colombian bouncing powder.

4. Reserve some time for you: You spend all day tending to the needs of others. Your kids. Your spouse. Your job. Why not reserve a few quiet moments in the evening to kick back, unwind and listen to a little Fall Out Boy. You’ve earned it.

5. Scream into the trash: Life got you down? Channel that energy towards something productive by picking up the nearest trash can and unleashing into it a blood curdling torrent of dark, troubling profanity.

6. Seek revenge: Everyone has enemies and you’re certainly no exception. Let them know that you do not fuck around with some swift, biblical justice.

7. Simplify your life: Productive people need to keep distractions to a minimum so they can focus on what’s important. Consider selling your belongings and leaving your family.