State Of The UnionLast night went with Ian and Jeremy to lead the service at Te Atatu Union, where Graeme & Lynley (J’s parents) minister. It’s not the first time that we’ve been there – this week we played with just two acoustic gats, vox. We played one of the Nooma series and I read a poem from Darlene Bee’s book.

Last year Mum donated the money to have it published – a collection of her poems. It’s a beautiful little book – and her words are perfect in so many respects. She had such a tangible understanding of what it meant to suffer under God’s grace.

After the service we stayed talking late into the night as per usual – we talked a lot about the dynamics of small and large community.. wondering aloud about the journey we are on at Windsor. Whether or not we have crossed the line from real community into a consumer product. It’s so hard to balance these things and try and seek God for the way forward when my own head is such a muddle of confusion. J has started to joke around about planting a church – and my heart leaps because I think maybe the only way forward is to keep experimenting and shaping the model. Not a model to be sold anywhere else.. just a model that will work for us, for the people we love.

So many ideas that start to flow.. a place where we eat and talk and do life together. A place without youth programmes, just with relationships. A place that takes more work than where we are right now – but a place that gives so much in it’s being, that work becomes a life-giving sacrifice. A place that gives space for people to be who they are and breathe. To ask questions and doubt, to fight and wrestle with all these things.

Under God’s GraceGrace is such a healing balm – but sometimes I am guilty of misusing it in my life. I am beginning to see – perhaps through Nouwen’s writing – that suffering under grace isn’t about being able to apply grace to the curcumstances of life that we find ourselves in – but rather suffering whilst understanding the truth of Grace. That Grace is still true in the complexities of sorrow.

So I said that when we went to the lake I ended up feeling a little melancholy – well, it’s staying with me in dribs and dabs.

The reason I am feeling this way is hard to pinpoint, although I have a few ideas. In the midst of trying to decide what I am going to do with my life .. I feel scared that I am losing my focus or sense of purpose in my work.

I spent Friday with a whole bunch of great people – all a bit older than me. All married, with kids. With jobs and careers that they are totally sold out to and committed to. I had this moment of epiphany where I realised I was unmarried (which makes me feel incomplete as much as I wish it didn’t), unfocused (too many jobs & things on my plate) and unemployed.