Sunday, July 1, 2012

I feel like someone has hit the fast forward button on my life. I can't catch my breath, everything is moving so quickly. Do you ever look at who you were as a person and who you have become? Is it who you planned to be?

I can 100% with all I have tell you that I know this is not where I imagined I would be. I never expected to be 18 with a full time job at a hospital about to go off to Mizzou to study Poly-Sci. A year ago I thought I would be working at a summer camp, preparing to go to KU as a dance major. I thought performing was what I would spend my life doing. It was my passion. I thought I would spend my summer putting all of my energy into serving God, not making money.

But there is another thing I didn't expect. Something that felt just impossible. I never dreamed that I would be 18, single, clueless who my biological family is, and scared to death. I never thought I would feel so alone. I never thought I would ever allow myself to become this damaged. I never understood why people were so bitter. I never understood how people could hate living. I never understood how people could be so afraid to go after what they want. But now here I am. I don't believe in love, somedays I can't get out of bed and face the day, and I am scared to death that I will fail at everything I do.

I used to be this confident, happy, fearless person. No one was going to break me. I was a rock. I was there to support others. I was there to be strong. I didn't need the comfort of others. I cried only when there was a reason. I didn't carry around anger. I was forgiving.

I am lost. I am broken. I am scared. I am angry.

I want to be happy again. I am tired of putting so much effort into my smiles. I am tired of hiding my tears. I don't want to be afraid of commitment. I want to believe that love can be found. I want to be fearless again.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

"I guess I'm just a a sucker for love...."

I keep telling myself I am a strong, independent woman and I don't need a man to complete me; but I really want to be in a relationship. I just am so incredibly tired of feeling so lonely. Sometimes I feel so lonely my entire body just aches.

I watch romantic movies and I wish with everything I have that I could live my own movie romance. I want to be swept of my feet. I want to fall so completely and totally in love. I want to know someone who I trust with any and every thing. I am so sick of living vicariously through Serena's ((Gossip Girl)) love life.

I know I am still in high school and I have plenty (and I do mean PLENNNNTTYY) of time to find my 'soul mate', if those even exist, I just want someone to fill the empty for right now. Which might be shallow or something but the heart wants what the heart wants and this is what my heart wants.

I guess I just want to feel like I am good enough for someone. I know I shouldn't belittle myself so low that I need the reassurance of a teenage guy that I am worth love, but I somehow always end back in this square. Lonely and restless and impatient.

I just am tired of sitting home writing on my blog or tweeting or repining on pinterest, or Facebook stalking. I want to go out on a date. a real, old fashioned date. Where the guy picks you up and pays and opens doors and says you look nice and walks you to the door at the end of the night and kisses your cheek or forehead because first date kisses are tacky.

Basically, I'm hopelessly caught up in this fantasy that will probably never come true. All I have to look forward to and grasp onto is the hope that I will meet someone at Mizzou next year.

For now I will continue to watch The Last Song every friday night while stuffing my face with cookie dough ice-cream and dreaming of the perfect guy.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Today I was thinking about friendships. How a lot of the friendships I've had in my lifetime have fallen apart. I wondered if I was doing it wrong or maybe just expecting to much. I decided to look up the official Webster definition. When that definition didn't satisfy me, I decided to see what Urban Dictionary thought. While both said things along the lines of "there when you need them" "a person you can trust" "someone you do all your crazy shit with" Not one definition I looked at said anything about being there FOREVER. Loving you NO MATTER WHAT.

Why is that? Is the human race so incredibly selfish that we can't 100% truly love someone unconditionally. Where no matter what happens, you are still friends. No matter how much someone messes up, forgiveness is always there.

I lost a really good friend last fall. I'm not even for sure what happened. All I know is I used to tell this person EVERYTHING, now we don't even say hi when we pass each other in the hallway. I used to call this person in the middle of the night whenever I needed someone to talk to. Everything that Webster and Urban Dictionary defined friend as, we were. I miss that friendship so much.

If that person ever reads this. I am so extremely sorry. I know I hurt you to. I understand that we will probably never be best friends again. I understand that we've lost that. I am so sorry. I wish more than anything that I could change this fact, but right now, with the current situation, that will probably not happen. I know you will do big things with your life. You will succeed in anything you set out to do. You are so talented and so driven to succeed and it inspires me so much. I love you and care about you.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

FINALLY blogging! I had a busy summer, folks. And now its October, so I suppose I have had a busy school year as well. I have been extremely blessed these past couple months and I just absolutely love my life. I am excited to share it with you!

Teen Staff at Youthfront Camp South! Spent 5 weeks there this summer, and then another weekend for rock the light!

Went to London!

Where the London Eye was just one of my many adventures!

Daddy surprised me with tickets to see Phantom!!! <3<3

I started my SENIOR YEAR! look at my doggy being all cute <3

Auditioned for my school musical! Yay chorus!

Had an awesome night at the Tiger Act lock in!

Got my senior pictures!

Went to homecoming!

Started reading Harry Potter for the first time. I'm already on book five!

Other things that happened that I just don't have picures from::

SAW MAROON 5 AND TRAIN IN CONCERT. and matt nathanson opened by serenading me with faster. :)

Went to worlds of fun during halloween for the first time!

Saw Les Mis, Chicago, Love Never Des, and Much Ado in London!

Started applying for colleges... scary.

Life is movig so fast, I can't keep up. I love who I am and whats been going on. I am excited to see what adventures await me!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

so. my computer broke. not really sure the details. all i know is it got a virus. and now the hard drive is failing. whhhiiichhh means they are replacing it. which means everything ever saved on my computer is gone forever. joy.

but hey, i could be dead. trying to stay positive. welll, thats about it.

oh ya. be excited. cause when i get my computer back, look forward to posts about youthfront and london. p.s. i cant o the exclamation mark or caps from my phone. so ya, that sucks. haha kbye.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

ANNIE. That show was such a blessing. Such a life changing experience. I originally auditioned for it just as something to do to make the rest of the school year go faster. Deciding to do that show was the best decision I have ever made (other than being saved of course :)) I can not believe I did it. It is one of my biggest accomplishments I think. During our first Sunday show, I had an unexpected, unwelcome guest attend. When I found out he was in the audience, I lost it, the cast was there for me through that and with their help I was able to go out and perform the show! It was actually one of our better performances!

Easy Street <3

I had my dance show! We performed at The Lied Center at KU. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I am literally in love with that stage now. (Only a theatre kid would fall in love with a stage) It was so cool! I didn't know what to expect being in a "dance show" but I really enjoyed it. I WANNA DANCE FOREVER!

I had finals. BLEHHHHH. gross.

Tornado warnings during school, right after Joplin was hit bad. SCARY.

I had an amazing weekend with friends to start off summer.

And today, I went to the mall and fifty bajillion other places with my good friend DELANEY SOMMERS.

Now I get 4 days to rest up and relax before I leave to teenstaff at Youthfront on MONDAY! I am so stoked for this!!