That hoary old axiom that says everyone has a novel in them couldn't be more incorrect if it was sitting bolt upright in a chair on the set of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? emphatically declaring "C! Thomas Edison! Final answer!" in reply to the question: "What is the correct plural form of the word 'Cyclops'?" For a kick-off, it is abundantly clear that many bestselling novelists don't even have a novel in them, which is why today's Rumour Mill doesn't feel so bad about its fears that the routine delivery of a few hundred words of baseless rumour-mongering might well prove beyond it. Anyway, who needs idle football transfer speculation when there's a large headline top and left of the Daily Express's front page that reads "THE ASTONISHING SECRET OF WINSTON CHURCHILL'S TEETH"?

Rummage! Rummage! Rummage! Rummage! Ah, here's a bit. Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has his beady eye on Sporting Lisbon whelp Miguel Veloso and would consider shelling out as much as £15m for the Portuguese utility man who can play as a holding midfielder, centre-half or left-back. Although no end of top European clubs - Arsenal, Real Madrid, Juventus - and Valencia are jockeying for position in the race to secure his scrawl, the 21-year-old has made no secret of his desire to move to Old Trafford in the summer.

Meanwhile in Portsmouth, Harry Redknapp is counting out a big pile of tenners with a view to bidding £3m+ for Crystal Palace left-back Lee Hills. Despite not being old enough to drink booze, vote or watch Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street, the young tyro has done enough in his 10 appearances for the Eagles to turn 'Arry's 'ead.

And finally, the protracted saga of Rangers frontman Daniel Cousin's move to Fulham looks set to rumble on and on and on and on, after Fifa blazers again dithered over making a decision sanctioning the transfer. Cousin has already played for Lens and Rangers since the summer and Fifa rules prevent any player from representing three clubs in a season. Roy Hodgson thought he had signed the Gabon international for £3m but remains in limbo, which must be infuriating for him considering how toothless the Cottagers have been up front this season. Perhaps they should try and sign Winston Churchill.