An in-depth look at one of the worst video game reviewers on the Internet.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Redux Recap: Muscles power your body Chris.

Welcome to another Redux Recap. I’m starting to recover from the last video and have enough strength to move onto his next review of MUSCLE for the NES.

I played MUSCLE before watching to see how “accurate” Bores really is, and surprisingly the game is really bad. The AI is wonky, the hit detection is very inaccurate, and the graphics are painful. But to be fair, it’s playable compared to other Bandai-released NES titles like Dragon Power, Gilligan’s Island and Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. However, Bores is going to focus on only one of the problems I mentioned. So, let’s watch.

0:18 - 0:24: “There were a lot of obscure games back in the day for the NES” Seeing how there’s well over 800 titles I can see how that’s possible.“Some that were downright terrible” accompanied by a shot of him shoving NES carts into a garbage can. That was necessary and added a lot to your review… no wait I’m thinking of someone that’s competent my mistake.

0:25 - 0:30: “But is there anything worse then the game MUSCLE?” Let’s see *takes out list* Bebe’s Kids, Shaq Fu, Action 52, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Batman Forever, Dark Castle (Genesis port), The Wizard of Oz, Bad Street Brawler, Ninjabread Man, Sonic 06, Superman 64, The Guy Game, Simpsons Wrestling, shall I continue?“I mean, what the fuck is a muscle?” … *puts down list* Are you retarded? No seriously, I’m actually asking if you’re legally retarded, that couldn’t have sounded good in your head! I’ve got nothing.I’m surprised more people don’t know about this line, all they focus on is when he rips off the AVGN. I’m getting a feeling this review is only going to get worse.

0:30 - 0:52: Oh goody, backstory time. *grabs pillow*He plops down a bunch of M.U.S.C.L.E. figurines and says this is where they came from. He also remarks it’s from a cartoon called MUSCLE *hits buzzer* Wrong! The show was called Kinnikuman, named after the main character.However, we might have not heard of it because it only aired in Japan. Oh hey, something that’s correct. You get a cookie.

0:53 - 1:06: The knowledge that Kinnikuman was only in Japan somehow pisses off Bores. He begins whining about the idiot that thought it would be a good idea to bring over toys based off a cartoon we aren’t able to watch, hoping that the person got fired (wow he really has no idea how business works). He ends his little “tirade” saying that he’ll go back in time again and take care of business. *sighs* There’s a lot wrong with this one scene.

They probably wanted to bring over the anime, but the content was too explicit for 80s children’s broadcasting standards. Lot of toilet humor, Kinnikuman was a perverted slob, and there was a Nazi character that was edited in the US release of the game. It’s not like Robotech where they can take three unrelated shows with similar art styles and combine them into one (seriously that’s what Robotech is), Kinnikuman had its own unique style. The only other option was extreme censorship and that wouldn’t work either.

That line at the end boggles my mind. It’s obviously meant to reference his Back to the Future review, but he shouldn’t remember doing that! He was blinked out of existence (I still don’t know how since all he did was kill the president of LJN not his father) and at the end he clearly doesn’t remember going back in time. So how the hell does he have knowledge of that? Another example of why Bores is such a subpar writer.

Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah, the random Piranha Plant. What was the point? Was it trying to be like a TV show where two characters are discussing something serious but in the background you see a comical event? Well, when a show does that there’s often context to what’s going in the background. This just happened randomly for no reason.Or was this another one of his “I’m a gamer guys, really!” moments? Still not working Bores, and it never will.

Moving on.

1:07 - 1:22: So he finally starts playing the game.He notes the game has 8 fighters, and for some reason he references NBA Jam and Mortal Kombat. Why? Apparently they started the hidden characters trend. What does this have to do with anything?

1:24 - 1:50: However, he notes that even if the game had 100 characters (combined with a bad MS Paint effect where he copy pastes the icons all over the screen) it wouldn’t make “a bit a difference” since they all look the same. Then starts whining that they chose the most boring and unoriginal characters. You didn’t consider that these characters were important to the show?Oh, he does. But he’s still annoyed that he couldn’t play as a giant globe or giant hand. Didn’t you just say that all the characters look exactly the same? If they included those wrestlers, they’d look exactly the same.

1:51 - 2:06: IG starts an actual match. He notes that all you can do is punch, jump, slam… and that’s it. That’s also wrong. You can do a clothes line, you can do a flying body attack, you can throw people into the ropes, and you can drop kick. Yes it doesn’t seem like much but this game came out in 1986, the NES was still young.Oh, and this line happens “There are no special moves, no combo moves.” Of course there are no combo moves! The NES only has two buttons, you can’t really do a Killer Instinct style combo with that.But no special moves; that’s 100% false. You’ll learn there are special moves in the first five minutes of playing it.Did he ever play this game before making this video? He tries to pass off that he had this game as a kid, yet he knows nothing about it. More proof that he just bought all his shit off eBay to make money off an idea that wasn’t even his.Remastered Edition Note: 9 months after this review came out, IG released a “Remastered” version of this video. However there were only 3 noticeable changes in this. The first was his removal of the “No special moves, no combo moves” line. I’m guessing the idiot got told too many times that he was wrong.

2:07 - 2:12: Cut to Bores saying the only move he wants to make is to the restroom so he can flush this game down the “toll-et” with the rest of his crap. Like how you flushed The Karate Kid down the… oh wait that’s the good reviewer.

2:13 - 2:32: IG then asks if he’s being too hard on this game, and decides to get a second opinion from a pro wrestler (what?) and he happens to have one on the show today. What?And now time for character number 4 in the Irate Gamer’s repertoire of cliché bullshit. This is Tony, a basic sprite from the game Maplestory. His sole purpose is to just stand there and say his catchphrase “bang-a-lang.” What does that mean? I have no clue.It’s kind of obvious that Tony is a rip-off of James Rolfe’s character Shit Pickle, whom he included in the AVGN review Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu. Only Bores wanted his fans to constantly say “bang-a-lang”, however even they thought it was stupid.

And here’s a bizarre fact. One of the comments asked Bores if he played Maplestory, his response is that he’s never heard of it. So, Chris Bores somehow animated sprites from a game he’s never heard of. I think the logical part of my brain just exploded.

Oh right the actual review. Tony comes on, says his stupid catchphrase, Bores asks what he thinks of the game, and he says “it’s terrible I wipe my ass with it.” Somehow this counts as a second opinion.

2:33 - 2:49: IG starts talking about the sound problems, pointing out there’s no background music (oh hey a real flaw) and that the audience is motionless and silent. Motionless yes, silent no. You can hear them cheer when a match starts, when you win a match, or when you grab a power-up. Oh that’s right, there are no special moves in this game. Why would I think otherwise?

2:49 - 3:43: We cut to IG saying the only thing that can save this game is having announcers and then… a really lame skit.We cut to some stock audience footage (taken from a WWE match) with IG and Tony doing commentary as Chris Ross and Tony Lawler. I don’t get the Chris Ross joke (wasn’t a big wrestling fan) but does he think the little kids watching his show would get the Jerry Lawler reference? He does a lot of references his idiot fans wouldn’t get. I only got the Jerry Lawler reference thanks to Spoony.Oh, and he thinks that they should incorporate this into the game. The NES wasn’t capable of FMV you moron! This commentary is also really weird, slobber knocker?You gotta love how his shirt changes in the middle of this skit. Nice to know you still don’t give a crap about continuity.After the skit ends, he just says “wow, that’s riveting”. *sighs* Moving on.

3:43 - 4:07: Bores mentions the game has a 2-player option and asks *sighs* Tony if he wants to play. Tony refuses saying it’s the worst wrestling game ever (I’m sure there’s worse) and needs pyros and intro music. Even through his others characters he shows he’s not a gamer. The NES is not capable of any of that!Then Tony starts singing The Rock’s catchphrase and Bores tells him to stop (thank you), but we get one last “bang-a-lang” and a stare at the camera. No really, the animated sprite stares at the camera.Does Bores honestly think that’s a good filmmaking and comedy method? Never stare at the camera! Yes, there are exceptions but he doesn’t use them properly!

4:07 - 4:32: He points out each round lasts 30 minutes and it’s too excessive. That’s not 30 minutes, it’s sped up to look like 30 minutes. At most it’s 5 minutes.He also mentions this is the only screen in the entire game. LIES! If you manage to win the first fight, you’ll move on to an ice arena, and after that a lightning-rope arena. It’s pretty clear that he didn’t win a single match.

4:33 - 4:48: “It makes you wonder how quickly they slapped this game together in order to make money” Sounds like your DVD. “It’s obvious that they put no effort into it at all” Sounds like your DVD. Quite the hypocrite aren’t we?Oh and during this rant Tony makes “funny faces”. The point? So people won’t notice his bad acting. But I notice it, you can’t hide behind your green screen and effects forever!

4:49 - 5:09: He starts talking about Pro Wrestling. Why are you talking about something completely different? The review should be over now.“It came out around the same time as MUSCLE” Uhhh no it didn’t. It came out a year after.Then he just comments on the visuals, seriously this entire review was bashing the presentation of MUSCLE. Not the gameplay, not the controls, just the audio and visuals.Chris Bores: Idiotic Graphics Whore.He doesn’t even mention the famous win screen from Pro Wrestling. A Winner is not You Chris.

5:10 - 5:30: Now he starts talking about Ring King. That’s not even a wrestling game, that’s a boxing game! Why does this requ-… oh no he’s not going to do the joke I think he’s going to do.He remarks on the graphics (again) and ends Round One cutting to the blowjob scene. IG is then “shocked” so much that he drops his controller asking “What the fuck are they doing?” Tony remarks “woah that’s just wrong brotha”. How very homophobic of you.Why do I get the feeling this is the only reason he made this video? Oh and I-Mockery called, they want their jokes back.http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/sexual-games/1.php

Remastered Edition Note: The second of three changes was that Chris Bores explained the joke. That’s right, he broke a big rule of comedy in his newer version. Instead of letting the scene speak for itself (“What the fuck are they doing?”) he outright says what they’re doing (“What the fuck? Are they getting blowjobs? I thought this was a kids game!”) That’s what happens when your fan base consists of nothing but kids that are just learning about sex.

5:30 - 5:41: IG points out Nintendo’s Seal of Quality and that this game is an insult to it. Why do I get the feeling Seanbaby already made this joke?“It’s not even worthy of the seal of dog shit!” *edits stock poop image on box* Again, how is he not vulgar?

5:42 - 5:54: So IG “gets angry” and delivers this rant “To tell you the truth, this game is the most boring, stupidest, dumbest, vile-repulsive, anal-raping, fecal-flinging, ass-ramming, toe-jerking, vomit-inducing, piece of shit I’ve ever played in my life!” Meaning that MUSCLE is his “Worst Game Ever Played”. As he clarified on the radio interview (after 90 seconds of dead air).I think I found what he originally meant to say with that scene.“This game is diarrhea coming out my dick! This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze-infested dirty fucking Benkiman shit. I’ve had more fun playing with dog turds! Robin Mask’s my ass and Terryman’s my balls. This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter. I’d rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum. I’d rather drink diarrhea vomited out of Buffaloman’s anus. It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it fucking blows, it’s a piece of shit… and I don’t like it.”Though that would mean he was familiar with the original Kinnikuman series, and he’s so obviously not.Back to the actual rant, you have to love how bored he sounded while reading off those lines. Wait, toe-jerking?

Remastered Edition Note: The last change is that this scene was shot differently. That’s it.

The review ends with Bores saying he doesn’t have the will to destroy it so he throws it out. However a Garbage Pail Kid is in his trash can and tells him to keep it out.GET IT? The game is so bad that even the Garbage Pail Kids don’t want it! AHAHAHAHAHA *slaps self*

This review was a big lie. He made a 6 minute review whining about the visuals and sound. The biggest real problem is the AI, and if they get the power-up orb they kick your ass without giving you a chance. However, he didn’t know that the game had power-ups (I’m not sure how since they show up within five minutes of playing it) so that was never mentioned.For a better review of the game, locate BigAl2k6's review. He also made a rant debunking all of IG's points.For another good one watch standburdman's review.

Next time, we look at the other review that everyone talks about. Why? Because he stole half of it. See ya later.

34 comments:

WHAT KIND OF JOKE IS THAT Chris Ross WTF. He doesn't deserve to even say the word Ross. I don't watch wrestling anymore (it got very old) but IG DOESN'T DESERVE TO USE THAT "JOKE". No matter who said it, it still would have sucked. But know no one can use it because Irate Fag fucked it all up. If someone did do that he would automaticly be labled as a stealer even if they did it good the Irate Faggot's Army would accuse you of stealing. THAT IS BULLSHIT!

Nice recap. I never noticed the last change until now. At least he tried to sound "irate" in the remastered version.

I don't get "What the fuck is a muscle?" either. Is it a joke? Did he say that because his character is supposed to be a moron? Or did he talk about MUSCLE as an acronym? Since he also asked "what is a wiki", I don't think it is the latter.

I actually find it funny that he praised the graphics in Pro Wrestling and Ring King after he complained because all the characters look the same in MUSCLE.

That comment is just too fucking far my friend... we both know those babies are his target audience, no way they'd commit suicide!

Thuink goddamnit! ;)

And on the subject of 'what the fuck is a muscle?!' Are we sure he didn't just mean 'what the fuck IS M.u.s.c.l.e?' if he was then going to go down the obscure-Japanese-cartoon route and thereby explaining the source material...

Wow. You really hate this guy, huh?In that case,Tell me what you would rather do than to watch his horrible videos. Unleash your true rage into your response comment. Do not hold yourself back. Let it all out, and tell everyone in the whole forum what you would rather do than watch Irate Gamer's videos!Make James Rolfe proud!

-_- the maple stort character and their way of graphics. This review killed me but good job on the redux recap can't wait for moreBTW this seem out of subject but do you plan to do thishttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RpyHyuuqaAhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySdAvVboxls&feature=related

@Anon (April 6th 9:03 PM)I don't have much to say about those videos.Though it does show that Bores has no charisma whatsoever.Developer: *says a bunch of interesting stuff about the game*Bores: Okay... *10 second pause*

I also liked how the developer explicitly said the game takes place after the movie, and Bores asks if any of the stages are taken from the movie.

Then at the end he was about to stop but was fed the last question to ask. I hope GottGame doesn't invite him again, all his E3 videos are embarrassing (including his "reviews").

I would rather get hit by a 16 wheel truck then get beaten up by the Yakuzza then get pissed on by a hobo then get found by the KKK get burned, beaten, tied to a cross and burned somemore, then taken off shot in the stomache 12 times, jump infront of a 21 gun salute, get my arms chopped off, have someone take a piss on my body, then have have my legs blown off and taken as a POW, cut myself on the barbwire trying to escape, then get shipped back from Nam and get beaten by american retards, then jump out off an airplane without a parachute and land on top on the very tip top of the Empire State Building. That my friend is what I would rather do then whatch the Irate Gamer fail at more shitty ass jokes.(Disclaimer: This was a hypothitical story. I would never commit suicide over some stupid ass joke. Niether would anyone at Hardcore555A Productions (me) If you thought this was real you must be the stupidist person on earth. I only watch the Irate Fag to mock and reticule him.)

@Tony (um... first Tony)I'm afraid I'd have to agree. Don't get me wrong; both guys suck at it, but Cole is slightly more irritable. Unfortunately, "Chris Ross" is busy pretending to be a video game reviewer. Maybe if the two trade places...

@Anon Apr-8-2010 7:43 PMIn all fairness, Tony is a fairly common short name. I honestly doubt that he used the name as an attempt to fool anyone into thinking he's the pixel-art character from the muscle review.

I remember renting MUSCLE when it was brand new and not being able to figure out the special moves because the manual used the characters' Japanese names. Which of course American kids didn't know back in 86. That, really, was its biggest problem, and it's something IG could've made a legitimate complaint about if he actually did any fact-checking.

Just wanted to say that the figure of the hand is a form of the monster Sneagator. His power was that he could change into different reptile shapes. So if they'd included him they'd have been including a guy who was actually multiple guys. Balance issues, anyone?

I oughta note that IG doesn't seem to understand what the Nintendo Seal of Quality is. IIRC, it was a seal assuring the buyer that the game was licensed by Nintendo and would work on your Nintendo system with no worries about damage to it and what have you. Yes even the poor games had it.

Just discovered this blog, reading from the very start. I'm wondering if Chris is doing this deliberately as well as why two well known Chrises happen to be utter tossers (Imagine if Chris Bores met Christian Weston Chandler!)

The collision detection in this game is shit. For every 4 hits I gave to an opponent, only 1 registered, and my opponent hit me without fail every time. Grappling is really touchy (you had to very carefully combine the d-pad with one of the attack buttons); and you were completely screwed if you didn't get the orb. I only tried "Winter Gaming" because I got sick of it.