I Don’t Want to Hear “But You’re So Pretty!”

Lately, when attending social functions with my parents, one of their friends comes up to me to ask if I’m seeing anybody. While this alone is something I find offensively invasive, it’s the response I get when I say “I’m single” that really burns. “But you’re so pretty!” They always say. Maybe I’m greedy or not sufficiently humble to take the compliment at face value, but the implication behind it is something I find incredibly unsettling.

If I’ve learned anything over years of disappointing dating experiences, it’s that looks don’t matter that much. They don’t. It’s very convenient to blame them when things go awry, but the reality is that the problem isn’t getting someone to be attracted to me. The real challenge is getting that someone to stick around, and, frankly, looks alone aren’t enough.

Well, thanks, aforementioned older ladies, for the compliment. I know I’m pretty. I know because guys have always seemed to stick around just long enough to hook up with me before bowing out, at best, blaming the lack of connection or chemistry. Thanks for reminding me that I have nothing to offer in a relationship beyond my body.

It’s interesting that no one ever seems to care about my level of education, or what I do for a living. No one cares about the fact that I work hard at building strong muscles as long as they look good in a bikini. I marvel at the look on a man’s face when something remotely intelligent escapes my lips, as if my lips serve no function beyond decoration. World, I’m not a doll.

I like to think that the best things about me come from my brain. I feel good about my wit and compassion, and I have an unusual sense of humor. Whenever I hear “but you’re so pretty” it only serves to remind me of all the times a man has looked at me and said, “you’re great, but…” You know what? I am great, and it’s not because I’m pretty. I’m great because in spite of all the times I’ve been made to feel that I’m not enough, I still believe that there is someone out there who will look at me one day and say, “you’re great.” No ifs, ands, or buts.

See, that’s the trouble with all of this. When someone says “but you’re so pretty,” what’s really being said is that I should expect to be wanted for being pretty, when what I really want is to be wanted for being, well, me. I’m sure it sounds like a cliché by now, but the only relationships I can think of that are based on physical beauty don’t seem like such great relationships. I want a life filled with laughter, deep conversations late into the night, and spirited political debates over take out and a cheap bottle of wine. I know attraction is the first step, but the first step is easy. It’s all the steps that follow that make up the life I hope I’ll have.

The world is full of beautiful women. If I genuinely have nothing to offer beyond my looks, there is no hope, because there will always be someone prettier. I have hope because while there may be women out there are who are prettier, smarter and kinder than I am, no one else possesses that unique blend of qualities and quirks that make up who I am, and hey, I’m great.

thats pretty much the same response you get when you tell someone your a lesbian

Emma

As a person who is not conventionally pretty, I find looks matter a ridiculous amount in dating. I definitely don’t get “but you’re so pretty”, ever.

Felicia Santos

Just because someone says that you are “so pretty” that doesn’t mean that they assume that you are stupid. How commonly does anyone get asked if they are single, the asked party says no, and they the questioner responds with

“But you are so intelligent!”

I almost never hear this response for both male and female parties.

Men very rarely get asked if they are single because people assume that they are. I hear more people make fun of men for being single then politely asking them if they are.

This sounds to me like the author is only looking through their looking glass and presuming that the grass is greener.

Being told you are pretty is not offensive, its value stabilizing. Unlike the jokes slung at men about their relationship status.

As an intellectual person, you would understand why people like to use superficial terms to make small talk around people who they otherwise don’t know very well beyond their appearance.

Dumbass writer

This is one stupid ass article. Looks matter A LOT in dating. Looks determine how many suitors a person has. A good looking man will have WAY more to chose from then an average guy (same goes with women). Also, HALO EFFECT. Good looking = assumed positive qualities.