Pope on a Rope to make global Christmas comeback

"Soap on a Rope", that trusty 60's shower room accessory and stocking filler of last resort, is understood to have inspired a remarkable vatican enterprise just in time for next Christmas. In an attempt to capitalise on the popularity and friendly informality of its new Pope, the vatican is understood to be about to launch its own "Pope on a Rope" air freshener, to be marketed as part of the vatican's new "clear the air" re-branding programme. It is intended to symbolise the church's new "holy trinity" of freshness, cleanliness and purity following a "dirty decade" of difficult headlines and "dirty bastard" slurs, not to mention paedophile priests.

Pope Francis is personally credited with bringing forward the initiative as one of his first acts of papal power. Announcing his vision over breakfast last weekend "Frank the Informal", as he has become, less than reverently, known to his aides, is reported as having blurted out his plans over his porridge - "Hey guys, I feel an encyclical coming on. Every good Catholic home should have at least one Pope on a Rope so we can spread the message deep amongst the faithful - and just think of the great global potential for some scorching royalties - so looks like we really gonna clean up big time in more ways than one, eh? Get my drift! Pass the toast."

There are understood to be no plans to market a new range of "Frankie Says..." tee shirts but we'll know more soon.