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Thursday, April 20, 2017

I was grabbing a quick bite at an In N Out on Washington today when I overheard the girl sitting behind me (“overheard” as in “really had no choice”) engaged in a phone conversation with (presumably) her UltraBFF. In this simplistic tirade of simple terms that would make Donald Trump appear a Rhodes Scholar, she uttered these words: “Ohmygawd. I, like looked at him and said, I told you a million times....” In fact, several moments later, she said it again.... and again.......and again. It was at this moment I wondered: I’ve heard people say this so often, and it never crossed my mind: How long, exactly, WOULD it take to tell somebody something a “million times”?

The obvious choice might be “forever”. 1,000,000 is a massive number. So, I had little choice but to embark on a Math Adventure to figure out this suddenly all-consuming quest for knowledge. How long, exactly, would this 16 year old have to say whatever she “told him” to reach the magic million?

Let’s find out:

First, let’s assume the “told you”, or TY, takes ten (10) seconds to speak-- something to the order of “Like, ohmygawd, you know I love pink and hate purple because Jenna Peterson likes purple and I, like, hate her sooooooo much”. That’s about ten seconds (if not, add another “like” or two).

24hr/day (d) would then be 360TY/hr x 24/hr = 8640 TY/d. Without a break -- no almond milk latte, or yoga, or even breathing -- she can fit a maximum of 8640 “told you’s” in to a 24 hour period of time.

The magic number is 1,000,000, so to find out how much time it would take, we divide one million by 8640.... which is a full day of TY.

It would take the girl, non-stop with no breaks, 115 days and 18 hours to say whatever she “told him” a million times. A human can go three weeks without food, and a week without water (not to mention phone battery life and dude simply just walking the fuck away). Which means, unless she’s an android, this is physically impossible.

Unless she spaced the 115.75 days out over a vast amount of time. However, I simply cannot fathom a girl who bookends each sentence with “ohmygawd” and uses “like” as preposition, conjunction, and adverb in a ten second span of grammatical brilliance to understand simple math and, in a split second, apply said math on the fly... mid-thought!

Sunday, July 31, 2016

I'm not cracking any more jokes about one Donald J. trump. In one amazing Sunday, he basically told ABC News that Putin will NOT go in to Ukraine, even though he already DID -- in 2014. When pressed, he blamed Obama's connections with NATO. WHAT THE FUCK kind of answer is THAT???

Then, he complains (on the same day) about two of the Presidential debates coinciding with nationally televised NFL games (home games for the Falcons and the Packers). He said he got a letter from the NFL stating the NFL thinks this is "ridiculous". The debate schedule came out LAST YEAR, and the NFL schedule came out EARLIER THIS YEAR. Nonetheless, he blamed the Clinton campaign with tampering. The NFL states they never sent a letter, and everyone on planet Earth who gives a damn about football or politics have KNOWN about both schedules for some time.

So, let's recap. Donald trump had NO IDEA the world event known as the Russian invasion of the Crimean Peninsula ever occurred, even though it dominated world media for over a month, and he didn't know both the debates and a major sports league schedule their event WAAAAYYYY in advance.

I don't care if you're a Republican. Just eat it for four years, rebuild, and come out of the gates swinging in 2020. trump is NOT a Republican. He's an arrogant piece of unholy shit who's had his way his entire life, never worked hard to get what he wants (according to Mark Cuban, btw), and now thinks he can glide in to the office of the most powerful person on Earth BECAUSE he's Donald J. trump.

Seriously. This is no longer about Democrat vs. Republican. It's not about Clinton vs. trump, either. This is about the stupidity of American running rampant, with it's crap music and even crappier reality TV. These are the American Idiots who've placed the Kardashians on a pedestal, who watch "Real Housewives of…" and actually THINK it's real!!!! These are the "people" who want "their America back", deaf to the reality of why America exists in the first place. These are the "stupid" of our country, and they've been running it in to the ground long enough.

In fact, Donald J. trump might be a blessing in disguise (of a moldy, three week old orange?). This November can become a mandate against the American Idiots. If trump is absolutely blown out of existence in the General Election -- I mean, an historic drubbing -- by the "smart" of this nation (both red and blue… political affiliation is no longer important), then it will be some time before the stupidity of this nation can once again rise in power and voice. Smarts should ALWAYS beat stupidity! One should never allow a stupid person to beat them in any way, under any circumstances…. NEVER.

This election is about the intelligents opening a can of whupass on the idiots, and putting them in their place. Yes, it IS time to take back America… and show the idiotic underbelly of this country where they belong.

Monday, March 30, 2015

What we've got here are companies who have, for over a century, generated a massive percentage of their wealth pushing liquified sugar to the masses, and the ABA, the main lobbying association for all things sugary and liquidy.... playing missionaries for a healthy, well-rounded lifestyle.

And soda is the key ingredient?

Hey. At least they're, if nothing else, frighteningly consistent...

And the American public is buying this load of steaming mon(k)ey crap????

It's not even "sugar and water" anymore -- at the very LEAST both are natural ingredients your body can process. What it IS, is "carbonated water and liquid corn syrup"... check that... "carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup". Well, it 'is" corn, right? And corn is a vegetable. The "high fructose" must mean it's of premium grade. And water is good for you. So, perhaps I'm steaming over for nothing.

SODA IS HEALTHY. The beverage conglomerates have got it right.

No, they do not.

Not even close.

I'm really shocked my friend Brenda Rex has yet to go Chernobyl on this ad campaign. There is nothing healthy in soda. Even the water, carbonated, is degenerative to your system. The corn syrup is not recognized as "sugar" inside your body, and processed differently. As a consequence, it is more readily absorbed into your bloodstream and may lead to obesity and liver disease... waitaminute....

Soda and alcohol do the same thing to your body?

Yep.

So, while daddy pounds the booze and kills his liver, son can down his Pepsi and ALSO kill his liver.

I love family togetherness.

I'm assuming the ultimate end game of this campaign is for a healthier youth, an image the corn industry and the ABA can point to with a judgmental finger and proclaim "See??? THEY drink soda, and they're FINE!!! Soda... is... healthy!"

As for me? I'll resist the temptation to believe the greed, and stick to my filtered water and occasional Anejo tequila.,,, which, by the way, is HEALTHIER than soda.

Monday, July 21, 2014

I have a client. A good client, A cordial and compassionate client. Several projects into 2014, and it's been an absolute joy in conducting business with this firm, as well as the project manager who's called me time and time again for my illustration talents. Certainly, there are quite a few options when nestled deep in the heart of New York City, and I consider myself fortunate to have built such a relationship over the years with this company, that they'd reach out to the Left Coast for their illustrative needs.

And, for the duration of our partnership, the money has been very fair, and predictable in its arrival.

Then the Kings won the Stanley Cup.

Check that, the Kings beat the NEW YORK RANGERS to win the Stanley Cup.

And just like that, a $1400 invoice vanished. Then was resent at the request of their accounting department. Then not processed "ASAP", as they had stated would be the case. Then stalled. Then the check not yet cut ("just one more week", noted an email two weeks after the apologetic ASAP email). I jokingly suggested there might be a few Rangers fans working the assembly line down thar in the money trenches.

Now, I'm beginning to think the comment as less a playful jab, and more of a straight hook bulls-eye.

Seriously! I'm absolutely CONVINCED half of their accounting crew lost big bucks on the 4 to 1 series thump-job. And as the Tweets rain in as Lord Stanley's Cup makes its way across SoCal, their rage increases tenfold. Now comes along an invoice for some artsy jerk from L.A. And their mindset flips from "process"...

... to "revenge!"

I can visualize the yahoos as I type these words, toasting themselves with their Pabst Blue Ribbon or Michelob or whatever those f**ks drink in New York, laughing between drags of their Kool cigs (or whatever the f**k they smoke in NYC), amused at the inconsequential artsy Angeleno gripping that his check is nowhere to be found. As they stumble home to inhabit their century-old, oil-heated, mind-blowingly expensive shithole apartments, they smile in delight knowing I am suffering.

But I'm not. In fact, the joke's on them... I'll be fine. The money will come (albeit tardy a month), and as I wait I shall draw. The chug MeisterBrau (or whatever the f**k it is they drink), while I click my mechanical pencil and go at 'em. The above toon is one of many I have promised -- until the money arrives.

See, accountants get drunk. They've got the creative genius of a clam. Artists don't require alcohol to get a buzz. All they need is talent.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

That, of course, is open for an opinion of which not the least involves one's independent interpretation of what "defines" a hipster. My personal viewpoint first resides with an absolute lack of sincerity: a phony blend of unsubtle fad fashion cues mixed with selfish disregard for anybody but themselves. It's their world and they'll do what they want, which is fine most of the time -- until they stumble into a cafe half-conscious from a late night bender, non-clean judging from the stench of Patchouli oil overload to mask their body oder, speak very loudly, begin playing a guitar, and generally assume complete control of a piece of heaven you USED to call a relaxing Sunday morning.

Another personal criteria is an appearance of absolute frivolity. With no real job, possession of a "daddy leased" Beemer or Benz with its compliment fuel card of which magically pays itself off every month, credit cards which also magically pay themselves off every month (must be made of a special plastic, eh?), and secure cache of family friends who can land them a job if needed, what care in the world might they hold?

Save the Earth? The Earth's been here billions of years, and will be here long after we're gone.

Save the whales? Why not... and never mind that fam vacay to Japan last year, which was described in various Tweets as "super awesome" and "this is my fav place in teh wurld EVR!" You know Japan slaughters whale.....right?

Back to the photo. Interpretations may vary, but the "standard candles" are all there. It's got everything required to qualify as the quintessential representation of all that is SoCal Hipster.

I mean, EVERY single ingredient is there:

1. It's from the Max Landis Facebook page (he's above left from the "bear"), who himself is a Hollywood rich kid with nothing better to do with his life but pull sh*t like this all day long.

2. His friends wear beanies indoors.

3. Mocking The Last Supper, which is in line with typical hipster "hate disguised as humor" takes.

4. Every single human(oid?) in that photo appears to emanate from family wealth... which means they lack the necessary mental tools required to fully comprehend, and therefore understand, reality.

5. Opulent surroundings -- luxurious furniture and appointments -- intertwined with cheap take out pizza and 6-pack beer. And, while we're on the topic of "beer"....

6. The chick wearing the King Cobra tee. Doubt she's EVER roamed a mean street in her life.

Monday, June 9, 2014

The B Side Podcast Central

DON'T GET ANGRY... GET EVEN

The home for the Editorial and PoliSocial cartoons of Brandon Morino. Hey, after you're done reading this garbage, why not head over to btoons.com and check out all the wonder ful and amazing stuff it contains. No pressure.... well, just a little.