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Our solution to the 60mph problem

Terrible news! The government’s planning to drop the speed limit on a stretch of the M1 to 60mph.

The 32-mile section from junction 28, near Matlock, Derbyshire, to junction 35a, north of Rotherham would have its top speed reduced from 70mph to 60mph from 7am to 7pm, seven days a week. The Highways Agency’s reasoning is that it’ll cut pollution, required to meet tougher European Union guidelines on air quality.

BUT WAIT, HIGHWAYS AGENCY. Before doing anything drastic, may Top Gear present its suggestions for cutting emissions along the 32-mile stretch…

DOWNHILL

Rebuild the road with a vast car-carrying ski lift at each end followed by a gentle downhill ‘ramp’, therefore allowing cars to coast for the 32-mile stretch.

DERESTRICTED PRE-SECTION

Before the low-pollution section, encourage motorists to drive as quickly as possible, allowing them to coast for as long as possible along the 32-mile section.

ENTIRELY DERESTRICT SECTION

Instead of enforcing a law that slows motorists down, encourage vast speed, thus allowing the fastest, and heaviest polluters to pass through the 32-mile zone as quickly as possible. This will mean they spend less time in the pollution-sensitive section, therefore making it cleaner.

BUILD 32-MILE TUNNEL FOR DRIVING FAST

Here’s the score. If you’re happy to drive at a boring 60mph, you can take the surface road. If you want to go fast or you have a huge-engined vehicle, you must take the smoggy tunnel and emerge, wheezing but happy, at the other end. Mostly because huge-engined vehicles sound very good in tunnels.

INSTALL REALLY MASSIVE FANS

BUY PORSCHE 918s FOR ALL UK CITIZENS

Porsche’s hybrid hypercar can do 16 miles on electric power alone. That’s HALF the 32-mile zone with zero emissions! OK, so the second half might be a little smokier, on account of that 4.6-litre racing V8, but we promise we’ll drive considerately on that bit.

BUY MORGAN 3WHEELERS FOR ALL UK CITIZENS

We’ll do you a deal, The Government. Buy each of us a 3Wheeler, and you can have your 60mph limit. Because, frankly, 60mph feels more than fast enough in Morgan’s old-school, bike-engined trike.

Have we missed any genius solutions to this potential breach of basic human rights? Let us know in the comments section…

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