Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Earlier this month, my editor at BET.com asked if I'd be interested in talking about my breast cancer story for the site and on camera. I jumped at the opportunity to experience something new, but then as the date approached I grew nervous. My story isn't that exciting, I thought. What if I'm not that interesting to listen to and I come off totally lame? Still, I went for it because I wasn't going to let fear keep me from trying. If they wanted my story then all I could do was just give them me. At the very least I could be good at that, right?

My breast cancer story doesn't contain much frills. It's not some epic drama about a girl who was diagnosed at a late stage, sold all her worldly possessions, and became one with the universe. It's a bit more...I don't even know what word would describe it. Normal? Everyday? Practical? I was thrown this wild card against my will and what was I going to do? Stop living over it? No, thanks. I still have a few things on my to do list.

So even though I don't think my story is at all remarkable (1 in 8 U.S. women will develop invasive breast cancer in her lifetime), I wanted to share it anyway and show how I decided to face this. Simply put, this is me and what you see is what you get.

Monday, October 20, 2014

This weekend, A. and I went to see The Book of Life, a stunning animated film produced by Guillermo del Toro, who also gave us the gift that was Pan's Labyrinth. Have you heard of it? As soon as we saw the trailer during our last visit to the movies, we instantly knew we just had to watch.

The story takes place in Mexico, the center of the world, as Manolo and his best friend Joaquin vie for their childhood friend Maria's affections. In addition, both Manolo and Joaquin must contend with living under their family's shadows, discovering what they truly want, and going through extreme means to claim what's truly their heart. Spanning across three worlds between the living and the dead, The Book of Life is just a colorful feast for the eyes.

The visuals are just so so gorgeous, I couldn't get enough of this style. I was also thrilled to see a film that celebrates Mexican culture and history on the big screen and hope it sparks a bit of curiosity in its viewers. It easily interwove historic content with more modern bits of pop culture and gave some popular songs a little Latin flavor. Now I'm here thinking, "Hmmm, Day of the Dead party anyone?"

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Since moving in with A. and spending so much more time with one another, there have been all these new facets that I'm discovering. In the beginning I was worried that we'd become boring roommates and lose the sexiness, but over the last weeks I'm realizing that this feels…different. At some point in all this, the relationship matured. When I look at A., yeah, I see his flaws as I'm sure he notices mine, but it doesn't matter so much because the overarching thought that goes beyond all our disagreements and misunderstandings is this: we're a team and we make it work. I was never really told that this is what long-term love evolves into, but I can see how you could ride this for 45 years like A.'s parents have done.

{He says} Most people go looking for that crazy, whirlwind, overwhelming love that takes you over and carries you to do silly things you'd never imagine. That's not how it happened with me and you. Our relationship was very deliberately fostered. We may have had our moments of temporary insanity, but they were less about getting carried away with each other and more about doing brash things for fun. We were rarely mistaken about who the other was and we refused to look past the flaws we saw in the other. Instead, we acknowledged our imperfections and sought to improve as individuals. It was a long and grueling process, but what we have as a result, I feel, is so much stronger than what people normally aim for.

I imagine someone visualizing what they'd like out of a partner and then rifling through a stable of candidates until they find someone who is close enough. If I had used this method, I would have never stopped at you. And you know that. But what we have, as a result, is stronger than what any momentary fling might seek to replace. You and I are both deep and complicated people, so it's taken years for us to get to know each other. We certainly know and appreciate each other more than we can see in other relationships.

For all the times I refused to let you run away. For all the times we changed to make the other person happy instead of clinging to our stubborn ideals. We're solid.

As long as we keep working.

{She says} I remember you once told me that you could have ended up just as happy if you had met someone else that night. I thought that was such a unromantic thing to say then, but years later I sometimes look at you and think the same thing. I could very well spend my life searching for more, for better, for different. I could hold out for other options, expecting finer picks from another draw. But I don't want to.

There's this deep satisfaction that comes from working through life's difficulties with someone. He might not be perfect, but he's willing to grow with you. It's not settling either, it's accepting that this person you've come to care so much for is your partner in crime and at the end of each day, he'll be there to talk about his dreams and support you through yours. He's there to navigate your mood swings, complete your thoughts, and is unrelenting when it comes to your self-improvement. He admires you as you are and envisions the person you could be. You might not always adore each other and some nights you'd rather sleep on the couch than hear this person breathing next to you, but you know you have to make it work. After all we've put into this relationship, there's just no throwing in the towel.

Yes, the girly, lustful, infatuated side still exists and sometimes it's all I can do to not drown you with affection, but this other side feels more serious, practical. It's me looking at you and resolving to help you learn, grow, and be happy. It's me looking at you and thinking, Yeah, we're in this.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

A few months ago, my aunts, sister, and I were sitting around chatting about the domestic life when our oldest aunt revealed that she regularly pays someone to come and clean her house. I thought that was interesting considering how much we pride ourselves in maintaining a neat household and handling so many of the chores (a role that was beaten into us girls since childhood). I might have grown up detesting every facet of the domesticity and argued against women being expected to cook, clean, and raise children, but I've since accepted that taking care of those you love actually feels good. So when a few days later A. randomly asked if we could get a maid to come do our chores, I was immediately opposed to the idea. But why not if we have the money for it and it would save us time, energy, and stress, he asked. I thought on it for about a second and listed off my reasons:

1. The size of our house and lifestyle does not warrant paying for a housecleaner. Our junior 2-bedroom apartment is not that big and there's no reason why we can't handle cleaning it ourselves.

2. There are other supposedly frivolous things we can't get and so based purely on pride, we cannot add this unnecessary expense. Agree to cable and then maybe we'll talk.

3. This is just an excuse for you to not handle your end of the chores. If I can pick up after myself then so can you.

4. Even though they're being fairly compensated for their work, I would feel guilty about making someone else clean my home. Are they going to judge me? Are they going to look at me and think, "Wow, what a waste of a woman. She can't even mop her own floors."

5. And the biggie: I was afraid of coming across the Latina stereotype I grew up with and have her do my dirty work for me. It just didn't seem right.

In fact, I was so uncomfortable with the idea of hiring someone to clean my home that I wanted us to immediately drop the subject and begged A. to never bring it up again. I might have said we could revisit the idea when we land ourselves a mansion, but even then I silently sent a wish into the universe that I'll never have to put myself in such an awkward position.

Fast forward three months later and I notice a subway ad for Handy, a home cleaning and handyman service you can book online. I checked out the site and upon seeing how easy it was to schedule a cleaning (and take advantage of their 2-hour cleaning for $29), I decided to try them out. I won't even tell you how many Oh, really's came out of A.'s mouth when I told him my plan, but I hushed him and said it was just for research.

Our housecleaner was set to visit yesterday afternoon and the whole week leading up to our appointment I allowed ourselves to be a little more lax on the chores. It helped that we were busy with social engagements and preparing for our weekend getaway because otherwise I would've driven myself mad with how cluttered our apartment was becoming. And sure enough when yesterday arrived, I spent the hour before the housecleaner arrived picking up clothes, putting papers away, tidying up our kitchen counters, and making sure we didn't come off as slobs. Plus, I wanted her to focus on cleaning countertops, sweeping, and dusting surfaces instead of putting things away.

She arrived right on the dot and after a quick tour of the apartment and some direction on what I would like done during her visit, I left her to do the chores while I continued working in the office. It was a little weird having someone buzzing around in the back of the apartment and there were a few times when I wanted to go take a peek out of curiosity, but I didn't want to be a weirdo hovering around while she did things I could clearly do myself. So I stayed at my desk pretending to look really busy and justifying the whole situation in my head with "See? I just have too much to do!" Even if I felt like going into the restroom to pee or grab something from the fridge, I stayed in that room like a socially awkward penguin.

Two hours later, she packed up to leave and took out my trash. She also asked where the recycling went to which I said, "It's in the basement, but don't worry about it! I'll just take it down myself!" I just couldn't bring myself to inconvenience her any further. Go! Leave me to my messes!

All in all, she did a good job even though I was expecting more than just a Swiffer wipe across my floors. Would I hire a cleaner again? Probably not while I'm in this apartment unless we have a huge gathering coming up and the house looks like an absolutely wreck. But even then…meh. Our house is just rarely bad at all (thanks to my neurotic self being home all day long) and if it ever gets to that point, we can rally. While it was nice to walk into the bathroom and kitchen and have it all sparkling clean without having to take time off my other to do's, I still feel that I could do it all myself. Now if only that wasn't immediately followed by intense feelings of resentment at actually doing it all myself, we'd be good!

Tell me: Have you ever hired a housecleaner? If not, would you ever pay someone to regularly clean your home?

Monday, October 13, 2014

Have you heard of the new children's book, The Book With No Pictures, written by actor-comedian B.J. Novak (The Office)? I stumbled upon it online and immediately ordered a copy for A.'s nephews and my friend's 6-year-old daughter who we were going to see during this weekend's camping trip. The concept behind the book is that the adult reading it finds himself saying the most absurd things (to the child's absolute delight) and also fighting back against the silly words he's being forced to say. The book might not have any illustrations, but type and color are used in an artistic way and kids get to see the power behind words.

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair about his new book, Novak explained why he decided to do a children's picture book with just words.

"Well, I have two answers, and they're both true. The idealistic answer, and it's true, is that I thought, There's a really exciting way to show kids that the written word can be their ally and that it's possible to do something extremely powerful—which is overpower an adult and your experience with them, using only words. Words that can be on your side. And I thought there was a beautiful, exciting lesson in that, in making words something—which they are, rebellious and a form of freedom—that a kid can learn is on their side whenever they want it to be. And the simple answer is that I can't draw, and I wanted to do it all myself," he said.

When we read the book's title to our friend's daughter she seemed skeptical that this would be a fun story time.

"The Book With No Pictures? Aww, it's a chapter book," she groaned. But she settled in as A. started reading her the book.

Well let me tell you, that child went around the group and had that book read to her like eight times in 24 hours. She just could not get enough! And to her, every time was just as funny as the last.

In the book trailer below, Novak reads The Book With No Pictures to a group of kids and ends up sending them into a pile of giggles. In fact, the same part that our friend's daughter kept obsessing over and over also caused a bit of a commotion when he read it to these school children.

"At the school that the reading was at [in the trailer]—it's a very orderly school," Novak told Vanity Fair. "They had to calm the kids down after I read the line 'Boo Boo Butt.' We had to cut like 60 seconds out of the tape, because they're going crazy. They're practically running around. They had to do a whole ritual of '1, 2, 3, shhh' to quiet them back down. After it was all done, they had a very orderly way to get the kids out, in line, and back to their classrooms. But one tiny little five-year-old African American girl just bursts out and ran out of the line, hugged me and pointed at me and said 'You are hilarious.' And that's been the highlight so far."

Friday, October 10, 2014

Today A. and I are heading out on a camping trip with some of my friends. We'll be "roughing it" in Delaware and enjoying a weekend of gabbing, hiking, stargazing, and eating way too much grilled meat. I sure hope we have absolutely no reception out there so we can forget the rest of the world even exists.

Aside from giving me a serious craving for s'mores, one other thing this trip has done is reignited my wish to own a pretty tent or teepee. Sure, I don't have a back yard or a patio to plop one on, but I'd love to have one set up in a corner of our apartment. It could be my little reading and meditating nook or serve as a quiet hideaway when I need some alone time. (No boys allowed!) Below are some of the sweetest tents I've found. Would you ever get one for your home?

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

I've found a new place to get work done outside of the house and dare I say it, I like it more than my usual stomp, The Bean. I'd been to the Wix Lounge's former location back in 2011, but never made it to their new spot once they moved. The free coworking space is the perfect place to grab a seat and work alongside other freelancers when home gets too lonely. There's lots of room so you never feel crowded in, there are clean bathrooms, a kitchen area, free tea and coffee, and a chance to announce what you're working on to the group. Best of all, now I don't have to roam around frustrated in search of WiFi or buy something at a coffee shop to just to sit down and charge up for a few hours.

When I work from Wix, I even leave my stuff at my table and step out for a lunch break and don't have to lug all my things around. You don't even know how wonderful that is for my aching shoulders. Yes, it'd be so much easier to keep working from home, but sometimes a girl just needs to get out of the house and breathe different air. I also considered that with flu season coming around it'll expose me to way more germies, but I'll take the risk.

The space has enough buzz going on to serve as background noise without getting distracting and I like eavesdropping on conversations from small groups working on the Next Great Startup. I get the best of both worlds: the office life with "coworkers" but with the freedom to come and go as I please and no boss looking over my shoulder. Oh and the greatest thing about working from Wix Lounge? The Brgr a couple blocks away and the Doughnut Plant right across the street!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

In a few days I'll be heading out of town for a bit of camping, which I'm totally looking forward to, but it means I'll be missing this year's Open House New York Weekend. (Booo!) The annual event is a chance for New Yorkers to peek into some cool spaces, including some that are ordinarily closed off to the public, that show off the city's architectural history and diverse examples of engineering and urban design.

If you were ever curious about what goes on in some of the city's well-known buildings or feel like learning more about its hidden treasures, then Open House NY is a good time to cater to those whims. If I were around I would have loved to visit Interior Design magazine's curated selection of designer's spaces for live + work + play. I can already imagine the drool as I jot down creative tips on integrating professional and personal spaces at home. And my exploration would take me right into the night as 10 projects by award-winning lighting designers show off the work that goes into illuminating the city that never sleeps. The Statue of Liberty, Metropolitan Museum of Art, the High Line, and the "Postcards" Staten Island 9/11 Memorial are included in this mix.

While Reservation Day passed last week, there are still dozens of tours with open spots available (advanced reservations are $5 each and closes Oct. 9) and the majority of sites participating this weekend will provide "open access" hours free of charge so you can drop in and explore the site at your own pace.

Continuing on this autumn love fest, I attended my first medieval fair a week ago! Fort Tryon Park, which takes top spot on my NYC parks list, holds an annual festival and now that I live blocks away from it, I just had to check it out. I had no idea it drew in so many people (roughly 60,000)! A. and I had a fun time checking out the costumes (leather! corsets! lace!), weapons, and playing games. Too bad I missed the horseback jousting matches, but it was a great afternoon nonetheless. The weather was absolutely perfect and I ended up buying the flower crown of my dreams. Even Dad joined in on the medieval antics and agreed that he'd never seen so many people in "our park."

Monday, October 6, 2014

Fall has already been with us for about two weeks now and I. Am. In. Love. Autumn has been my favorite season ever since spring started attacking my senses long ago. There's just something wonderful about the chilly air that makes you want to cozy up under a blanket, jacket weather, boots, and all that gorgeous foliage.

For me, the new season also signals a chance to start anew. I don't know if I'm still in sync with the school season where September would bring in new supplies, new friends, and the feeling of starting fresh, but it's always been an interesting time to check in, be introspective, and see what improvements can be made. This season I've taken on regular meditation and signed up for a local yoga studio. In order for things to stick, I have to make them as easily accessible as possible. I'm a lazy bum and as soon as I can make an excuse to quit a new habit, trust that I will. (Why is it so hard?!) Heights Meditation is a small donation-based group that meets every morning just a block and a half away from my house. I'll roll out of bed at 6:45am and walk over for a half hour session of beating thoughts off with a stick (without judgement, of course). Some mornings are calmer than others (and I admit to having skipped out two times when I was just too afraid to sit quietly with my monkey mind), but I think the effort really counts. I know it will take a long time for me to be fully present the entire session, but I do get snippets of quietude every morning.

When that little Tibetan singing bowl signals it's time to ease back into the day, I have a smile on my face because that ringing sends heavenly sparks shooting through my temples and I have created a little more distance between me and whatever might try to overwhelm me in the coming hours. This is going to sound cliché, but it feels so good and peaceful knowing that I have more space between me and my hectic surroundings. It gives me time to think before reacting because I don't feel like I'm constantly sinking under. It allows me the space and permission for foresight and presence of mind.

Meditation and yoga go hand-in-hand and if I was going to begin this journey into mindfulness – one I'd been really curious about since reading Dan Harris' book 10% Happier– I wanted to go all in. Mind Body Soul Yoga is a few blocks away and now serves as my noontime break. I'll finish my morning shift and walk over to the boutique studio to stretch away any stress that might have built up since meditation that morning. It's almost like a rest stop in my daily mental health journey and one that's resulted in more even-keel-feeling days. I'm no longer racing through 12 hours fighting off anxieties and daunting thoughts, feeling absolutely exhausted by the time the evening comes around. I'll get my mind right first thing in the morning and then reset it again before beginning my afternoon work.

Granted, my body is still getting used to the early wake up calls and I'll easily pass out at 10pm, but I feel better. Not only am I not incessantly nagging or frustrated by every little thing A. might have neglected around the house (which is working wonders on our relationship) or want to hide under the table when works gets annoying, but I love that I'm doing this for me. I told myself that if I didn't want to go to therapy to control my anxieties and panics, then I needed to invest in my mental health some other way. That first day in class, while lying on my mat with my eyes closed, I thought, "Wow! I can't believe I'm carving out an hour and a half out of my day just for me." And that was quickly followed up by, "Are you kidding me? That's nothing compared to all the time you spend for everyone else!"

I don't know why it took so long to accept that I deserve this nook of time. I'll be sure to let you know how my journey into mindfulness unfolds.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Tonight A. and I are off to watch The Lion King on Broadway! I got us 2-for-1 tickets during the Broadway Week promotion and am excited to finally see this show. Everyone I know who's seen it can't speak highly enough on the artistry, puppetry, and costumes so I cannot wait to experience it for myself. You know I'll be bopping around in my seat singing along. Hakuuuuna Matata!

Watch the cast below as they serenade some unsuspecting commuters on the A train in New York City. When this video came out this summer, my sister and I commented on how we ride this train All The Time and all we're treated to are panhandlers, preachers, breakdancing teens, and guitar players. Meanwhile, New York City still owes me a flashmob experience...

Monday, September 8, 2014

Part of the post Burning Man ritual is to decompress once you've re-entered the Default World, also known as real life. As hard as I tried to avoid taking my phone off airplane mode on the 10 hour drive back to Los Angeles from Nevada, I eventually relented and was soon scrolling through some 75 messages. It's scary how quickly I plunged right back into the frantic clicking, swiping, and liking when just a day ago I couldn't have cared less about anything going on beyond Black Rock City's trash fence.

Settling back into the day-to-day was much quicker this time. Last year, I walked around NYC feeling sad that pedestrians weren't covered in lights or furry costumes and that everyone was just so quick to get somewhere. And the MOOP! Oh God, litter and dirt everywhere. I wanted to be back at Burning Man so badly. Then the year goes on and eventually you almost forget about what it was like to be out there, but that happens just in time to make that journey once again. A. and I went with the notion that we probably wouldn't be returning in 2015 because we want to experience other corners of the world and when one of us only gets two weeks of vacation a year, that time off should be well-considered. Well now I think we do want to return.

It's fun to tell friends and family about your Burning Man experience, show off videos and photos, and try to get them to grasp what an incredible place this is (it'll always be one of those "You had to be there" spots). Still, there's nothing like getting together with other burners and exchanging stories and discoveries because there's just so much that one person could miss. This past Saturday, A. and I visited a friend I've known through the Etsy NY team who lives just a couple blocks away. We've been living so close for about nine months and couldn't manage to meet up...until we randomly bumped into each other on the playa.* A burner for about eight years, he's seen some things and so five of us gathered to chat about this year's burn, favorite moments from previous years, and finally watch that Malcolm in the Middle Burning Man episode. A. and I left his house happy and wondering if we shouldn't return next year and really do it up. Then again, that's exactly how we felt last time and before we knew it, we were packing up to head out without accomplishing any of those grand plans. I'm sure that itch will strike again in full force when we meet up with 100 or so burners this Sunday at a Post Playa Picnic in Central Park.

*It's funny how frequently you'll run into people you know even though you're in a sea of 65,000 people in a 5+ square mile area. There were a handful of folks we knew would be out there and did we see any by actually visiting their camps? Nope! We saw them through chance meetings while biking around and attending random events. It's always a happy surprise.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

{Let me interrupt my Burning Man talk to tell you a bit about our Chicago trip from long ago. A friend of mine just flew out there and it reminded me that I'd yet to hit publish on this post! So while it's all hot outside, let me chat a bit about our wintry trip to the Windy City - especially since one of the food spots we enjoyed will soon shut its doors forever.}

It's been MONTHS since A. and I went to Chicago and I still think on how much fun we had. It was still a chilly winter when we flew out in March and yet we didn't let that stop us from exploring and roaming the city. I can only imagine how awesome it'd be in the warmer months and can't wait to go back someday. Not only did we give ourselves a self-guided tour to check out cool architecture (and squeezed in so much walking in one day), but we had our fill of some really good food. Below are a few of our favorite spots.

Garrett Popcorn: My friend Norell, who studied in Chicago, first introduced me to Garrett Popcorn when she and I worked at Latina magazine years ago. They had recently opened a NYC location just a couple blocks away from our office and she insisted I try their Garrett Mix, a bag of caramel popcorn mixed in with a batch of their cheddar cheese popcorn. So when I was in Chicago, I had to get a bag for A. to try. (We both prefer the caramel popcorn, which left us with a bag of cheesy popcorn to get through.)

Giordano's Pizza: Chicago really needs to stop calling their deep dish pizza "pizza" at all. The thing is huge! One slice is like a piece of lasagna or, as our friend Danny calls it, a casserole. This spot, a popular chain in the city, was incredibly good and filling. The special contained sausage, mushrooms, green peppers, onions, and so much cheese!

Hot Doug's: A.'s friends introduced us to Hot Doug's, which is apparently the best place to grab a Chicago style dog and other yummy concoctions like beer-soaked bratwurst and special sausages made of wild boar, escargot, or duck with creative toppings. A couple months ago the beloved spot announced it was closing its doors forever on October 4 so if you have a chance to taste them out before the final day, I'd highly recommend it.

Park Grill: After a full day of walking, we ended our self-guided tour at Millennium Park to see Cloud Gate, also known as the Bean. It was still winter so ice skaters were gliding around the rink in front of the restaurant while we snuggled inside sipping on some amazing apple cider and good eats like shrimp and arugula flatbread with oven roasted tomatoes and peppers.

Yolk: We still dream about this brunch spot! I'm not even kidding. Just a few days ago A. and I admitted that we'd fly back out to Chicago just to eat at Yolk at again - it was that good. The mocha, the egg sandwiches, sweet and savory crêpes, and their tasty Tour de France, a French Toast flight that consisted of banana nut bread with bananas, sweet orange bread with strawberries, and lemon poppyseed bread with blueberries. We were just sad that we only had but so many days to eat there.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

So I'm back from Burning Man, already deep into my regular schedule (blah!) of work work work, and am still trying to sift through all the thoughts I've collected on this trip. A part of me feels overwhelmed by trying to make sense of the sensory overload I've just experienced as well as guilt over not doing "enough" while out in the desert. I'm also trying not to drown in thoughts of all the work that needs to get done this month. My head has been spinning, spinning, and one word holds fast in the center of that mental tornado: impermanence.

It's been a couple weeks now since I set off on this adventure for a second time and I have to admit, there will never be anything to compare to that first time. I went into my second burn knowing full well that every year will be different, that no comparisons should be made, but oh how I slightly envied those who were stepping onto the playa for the very first time. Their eyes were so wide as they struggled to find words to express how incredible this all was. Don't get me wrong, Burning Man is still an amazing city of play, light, and sound, but I did miss the mind-blowing surprise that was my first year. Of course, that had to come to an end, but it'll continuously be replaced with other discoveries both within and outside of ourselves.

I have a hard time accepting how temporary things are and Burning Man is the epitome of impermanence. Not only do 70,000 people congregate on Black Rock Desert to party for a week before the whole city vanishes without a trace on Labor Day, but while you're there you're fed a constant stream of blips on the radar. Art installations are created for Black Rock City residents to enjoy and days later they're burned to the ground. Gone. Forever. Perhaps you make a mental note to check out a cool piece, but constantly find yourself distracted by the hundreds of other cool things going on around you until you're on the car ride home yelling, "Dammit! We never saw SoundPuddle!" I wish I'd made it a point to enter one of the most arresting sights on the playa, Embrace, with its beating hearts and the chance to crawl into the statues' heads to peer out onto the city through their eyes. But before we could get any closer, we were being whisked away to the edge of the dusty city on an art car outfitted with xylophones, banging on a rooftop gong every time a cyclist waved as we drove on by…

We didn't approach Embrace again until it was burned early Friday morning. The opportunity to engage with that piece of art had passed.

This year was better than the last in that I didn't cling to each moment as if that was the happiest I could ever be. I often found myself not wanting to leave an installation because what if the moment that followed wasn't as fun? A. kept reassuring me that while the present was quite good, there will be more joy to follow no matter where we ended up. So I was more willing to let go of moments at this year's burn. I made it a point to hop off my bike if an experience called out to me (spontaneity! participation!), thoroughly enjoyed that moment, and then left it behind in search of more knowing that whatever came next would be just as novel, exciting, and beautiful. I was more social, wanting to collect stories and connections rather than experience it all from the bubble that surrounds me. The issue? A. and I would tuck in early, choosing sweet slumber over partying until dawn and I'd often lay there in our tent wondering if we weren't just wasting time with this sleep business. What were we missing? Are we squeezing every drop out of this amazing place? No, but we continued to burn on our terms.

Sometimes I felt this urgency to rush out and do everything despite my body's limitations, but I also understood that there's no way I could catch every moment going on in the city before it dismantled in a few days' time. Even now as I type, I'm frantically trying to search and grab every thought I have on this because soon they'll be replaced with other concerns. It's much like waking up from a crazy dream and racing to jot down the scenes before your brain realizes it's awake. Nothing lasts. How do I learn to be okay with that?

"As best I could understand it, the Buddha's main thesis was that in a world where everything is constantly changing, we suffer because we cling to things that won't last," Harris wrote.

"The Buddha embraced an often overlooked truism: nothing lasts – including us. We and everyone we love will die. Fame fizzles, beauty fades, continents shift. Pharaohs are swallowed by emperors, who fall to sultans, kings, kaisers, and presidents – and it all plays out against the backdrop of an infinite universe in which our bodies are made up of atoms from the very first exploding stars. We may know this intellectually, but on an emotional level we seem to be hardwired for denial. We comport ourselves as if we had control."

But we don't and so we have to learn to be at peace with uncertainty and every single moment fading into oblivion.

Do you also have a hard time letting go of moments, people, or possessions?

Friday, August 22, 2014

Earlier this summer, Vanessa Laven of MixedMartialArtsandCrafts.com and Survival Organs launched a video series in honor of her birthday and I helped her kicked things off! As a young cancer survivor herself, Laven wanted to interview other creatives about their personal journeys through "worst case scenarios" and how they juggled a small business with all the craziness of diagnosis, treatment, and recuperation. Watch my interview below to learn how I handled the rollercoaster of being diagnosed with breast cancer soon after creating Porcupine Hugs, how I struggled to reconcile my ambitions with my new limitations, and why I was too stubborn to let cancer change me.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

It's a wonder that I've been able to maintain a relationship for 4+ years because it seems that I don't take too well to commitments. Among the new habits I've tried to take on this year alone and failed to permanently incorporate into my life are:

Yoga. It was beautiful while it lasted. For all of four weeks, A. and I would wake up at 6:30/7pm, bang out a workout and I'd make us breakfast while he got ready for work. It was a good way to start the day.

#dorkysdraws. In an attempt to get the old gears moving again, I took on the mission of drawing a doodle every day and sharing it on Instagram. Nothing too involved, just a little something to force me to stop and be creative for a few minutes each day. Real work seems to keep yanking on my attention, but after a month-long break I've picked up my Micron pens once again.

Dry As Toast. Oh poor little blog. Once I gave myself a chance to relax so I could focus on my health last year, I let the whole thing go. Now it seems to take such an effort to share my thoughts with you. Sometimes I feel like I've got nothing left to say…and sometimes what I want to say feels way too personal now. Is it growing older that's left me reluctant to bare my feelings for all to read? Would anyone still care? Or maybe I just feel tapped with Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all vying for a piece of me.

Creativity. In this I'm lumping in Porcupine Hugs, calligraphy, photography, DIY projects, pen palling, and all the arts I enjoyed. They all fall under Things I Need Another 24 Hours To Do, But Spend The First 24 Hours Thinking About.

Every now and then I'll raise the following question to A.: What does success mean to you? Is it more important to be happy or to be ambitious? In that last question I'm not insinuating that the two qualities are mutually exclusive as I know you can be both happy and ambitious, but in my case ambition feeds this restlessness. If I'm not being productive or chasing some goal, I can't relax. I feel like I'm wasting time. It could be 6 in the freaking morning and as soon as I regain consciousness my mind is turning. "What should I do today? Should I get up? I'm still tired, but maybe I should be making better use of my time..." Oh what I wouldn't give to have a lazy Sunday without the guilt. I'm sure A. would be thankful, too, since my "Let's do something!" mentality tends to spill over onto his plate when he wants none of it. So I wonder, if I let go of all these goals on the list, things I keep thinking I need to accomplish in order to be Successful, and stop holding myself to a high standard, would I be happier? Or would the thought of settling into a calm mediocrity always leave me feeling unfulfilled?

In June, I attended a Creative Mornings session in which Squarespace founder and CEO Anthony Casalenagave a talk minimalism. In it, Casalena explained how to do lists can lock us into a path of short-term priorities making it hard to step back and focus on the true essence of the project. A point of his that really resonated with me is the idea of letting go of good ideas and his coming to the painful realization that he only has so much creative energy to devote to goals. How often don't we guilt-trip ourselves into chasing all these different leads, thinking we have to grab them all in order to feel good about ourselves? Well Casalena advised the audience to keep their key goal in mind and then use that to discard the things around it - good or bad. Letting go will feel liberating, he said.

"It feels very good in a way to close the chapter on something and it just frees your mind to do so many other things. I think too often people try to leave too many doors open at once in their life and they're just afraid of losing optionality," Casalena said.

So that's what I've been somewhat doing this summer. Instead of chasing down every creative whim, I'm accepting that right now my focus is on work and finances. I'm still writing for BET.com and helping a large law firm prepare its new website for launch next month, but on top of that I've taken on a new freelance writing gig with MamásLatinas.com. I've gone from struggling financially with a part-time job in 2013 to tackling three different jobs a day. It's a blessing; I'm finally getting a taste of financial security and love the flexibility in my schedule. It's also a curse because sometimes all I want to do is run off to an island for a breather. I don't think I've taken more than two or three consecutive days off all year (and even then WiFi availability = Dorkys working), but starting this weekend I'm taking a whole week to unplug in the Nevada desert and dive into that "feeling of liberation" in other ways.

I admit that in the flurry of all the changes that's entered my life at the end of 2013 (new job, new apartment, moving in with the boyfriend, work, work, work, another new job), I'd forgotten just how amazing I felt out there on the playa. This year has been about putting my head down and crawling out of the hole that was 2013. Even if it's meant putting some things aside and even if I'm not on here sharing every detail of my life, I feel good knowing that I'm alive and doing just fine.

So tell me: what have you been up to this summer? Is there anything you'd love to let go of or are you hacking away at your key goal?

Monday, July 21, 2014

I'd totally sign up for a little getaway to Grant Snider's The Writers' Retreat, which appears in this weekend's NY Times Book Review, and nab a corner right on Inspiration Overlook. Then I'd hole myself up in the Authors' Cloisters before chucking it all over Desperation Drop and hanging out in Procrastination Patio instead. The illustrator behind Incidental Comics has a few other illustrations that made me laugh like The Treehouse of Adulthood and The Story Coaster. Snider's work reminds me of those search and find books that would entertain me for hours while discovering lost items and silly scenarios in a sea of chaos.

To order a poster of The Writers' Retreat and other illustrated commentary on literary and artsy pursuits, visit incidentalcomics.com.

Monday, June 23, 2014

I attended the National Stationery Show last month and while I usually walk the trade show on a single day, I ended up going to the Javits Center three times this year. After the first day I was so thrilled to see familiar faces and make connections with new exhibitors that I just needed to keep going back. Not only was my friend Cindy of Cynla exhibiting for the second time (and needed help (wo)manning her booth on Tuesday), but I was also set to finally meet OMHG peeps like Colleen Attara, April Heather, Darice Pauselius, and Melissa of Print Therapy for the first time. There was also a serendipitous run-in with a former Greeting Card Design classmate that I hadn't spoken to since 2010. She had just reached out days earlier to reconnect and then we bumped into each other unexpectedly on the showroom floor!

I've also been seriously considering exhibiting at NSS next year so this time I wanted to ask some of my people peeps about their process. How did they build their booths? What costs did they incur? How could I save money? Which resources proved to be valuable? Did they see any improvements with the management's new set-up? I'm always so humbled when people are happy to see me popping into their booths (or that they remember me at all), but it was even more touching to see how encouraging they've been with my stationery pursuits. "Oh my God, do it!!" they'd squeal when I told them my goals and let me know to reach out if I had any questions about exhibiting. Funny thing is I was all into probably going for it a month ago and now that the applications for 2015 have gone up, I'm all, "Aaaack!! I can't! I can't!" We'll see what my neurotic, self-doubting ass decides to do. Did I mention it's a huge investment that'll cost thousands to make happen?

Anywho, below is a selection of stationery porn and goodies that had my head spinning at this year's National Stationery Show.

19. Super cute hand illustrated love card from Etsy Wholesaler Fierce Mally. | 20. Bad-ass penguin card from Beep Boop Bop. | 21. Fellow OMHG member Colleen Attara was making her National Stationery Show debut with mixed media cards, prints, and flowers made from repurposed plastic signs. | 22. And fellow Etsy NY teamie Kerry of KBatty was also debuting and making apologies look good with this happy striped envelope liner. | 23.Queenies Cards are as adorable as their owner and I'm happy to have stumbled upon her booth and connected with her since the show. Such a sweetheart! | 24. My kind of birthday cake from local company Hartland Brooklyn. | 25. More Brooklyn love and fun neon signage from Idlewild Co. | 26. Since the show I've been craving that all my packages be wrapped up with pretty Italian ribbon from Studio Carta. | 27. It was so nice to finally meet Dani of Oh Hello Friend and wish her success on her lovely line (and maybe also commiserate on being so petite).

28. New "Get Together" flat notes from Cynla to get your buddies excited about gatherings for doggy/kitty play dates, brunch, drinks, tea parties, and my fave, chowing on cheeseburgers. | 29. Botanical-inspired calendar from my long-time favorite Linda & Harriett. | 30. And can I just add that Linda & Harriett's Liz kicks ass for going freehand on her white walls for her booth? | 31. Pretty new letterpress tags from Penelope's Press with cute hand illustrations created by the owner's sister. | 32. Debbie of Penelope's Press also had goodie bags and fill-in cards for bridal showers, baby showers, and graduations. | 33.Scout Books showcased a few of their designers and custom notebooks. | 34. These flat notes from Moglea were dip dyed in Kool-Aid. | 35. Bright gift wrap and new notebooks from Fig. 2 Design. | 36. New gift enclosures from Fugu Fugu Press.

37. Snarky cards and hand-lettering from Life Is Funny. | 38. Gaah! Baby narwhals from Isabell's Umbrella. | 39. And cute pins, also from Isabell's Umbrella. | 40. These sweet little notes from E. Frances Paper come 85 in a pack so you can use them for lunch notes, quick hellos, gift enclosures, and so many other ways to spread the love. | 41. Colorful stationery and laser cut jewelry from Paper Trail Shop and Plastique, both owned by Jen Murse. | 42. What a sweet idea: screwed notepads that can be refilled with more sheets from Paper Trail Shop. | 43.Offensive + Delightful's awesome famous figures cards that should totally branch out into paper dolls. Not pictured: Biggie gift wrap. | 44. The annual Paper Party (held again at the Hudson Terrace) was a fun time to mingle with exhibitors, retailers and other paper geeks. | 45. This year's NSS left me swirling and excited and with an overflowing stationery drawer. So many goodies were collected from walking the show and the bulky Paper Party swag bag.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Monday night I popped on over to DUMBO to attend the book launch party for illustrators Julia Rothman and Wendy MacNaughton's books Hello NY: An Illustrated Love Letter to the Five Boroughs and Meanwhile in San Francisco: The City in its Own Words, respectively. The two sat down for a Q&A session with Brain Pickings' Maria Popova about the process of creating illustrated books of their hometowns, where the trend of hand-illustrations is heading, the "godmother" of long-form narrative + illustrated storytelling Maira Kalman, and how they each took similar projects in two different directions. While MacNaughton let the characters she met tell the story of life in San Francisco in their own words, Rothman, being the native New Yorker that she is, completely injected herself into her book and showed us the city through her eyes. From the small island off the Bronx in which she grew up, to her odd finds paired with more popular attractions to pieces of her family history, and tidbits about NYC life that'll make out-of-towners go "Whaaa?" and natives go "Yup!" Rothman tried to give everyone a little something to chew on.

"Well that's nice to remove yourself," Rothman laughed after MacNaughton explained why she wanted the people she met to create the book in their own words rather than hers. "I put myself as the main character. I was born on City Island in the Bronx, a small island that nobody had ever heard of and I really wanted everybody to know about it. So I wrote a book about where I was from and what I liked about my city and everything else about it. I put some voices in there, but it's mostly all me...and my family, the people I've met, and my landlord. I don't know, maybe New Yorkers are self-obsessed and San Francisco people are really nice."

As the daughter of a bodega owner, I was especially delighted to see her write an ode to the bodega.

"I wrote something about bodegas that was like bodegas are really great and you can get anything you want and then I was like this is really boring and crappy. And it was kind of a last-minute thing that I sent to [editor] Bridget [Watson Payne]. It was just random, it wasn't really that thought-out. If I write a paragraph about how good bodegas are, it wasn't that interesting. I didn't feel like it was getting across the feeling and if I could write the light and the tiles on the floor then it would get across the feeling more than just bodegas are great," Rothman said before Popova added why it's such an appropriate piece for a book about New York City.

"It's actually such a beautiful poem that's really a metaphor for the city because the last line is how many pieces of chewing gum does it take stay alive, stay in business and that's kind of how the city is. How many little daily moments and little people does it take..." she said.

"How do these places stay in business?!" Rothman interjected. "There's so many people going in and out, every dollar...When I was in San Fracisco, there's no bodegas, in other cities there's no bodegas and you're like where do you buy your food?"

As for how she chose what to include out of love for her city versus an obligation to include more popular sites, Rothman said she tried to put in a little of both to please New Yorkers and visitors alike.

"There was always a balance like if I put the Statue of Liberty in is that cliché? But then maybe I can put in Minerva, the statue in Greenwood Cemetery and balance it. There was always something that was very New York and then well, if I'm putting this very New York thing in, what's a more obscure thing I can put in that will help make it not so obvious," Rothman said. "It was always who's the audience? New Yorkers or everyone? So if it's both you have to put in some stuff for New Yorkers and you put in some stuff for the rest of the world. You have to put in Grand Central, but you can also put in the Troll Museum."

What I liked about the book, which I pretty much blazed through in a couple of hours, is seeing my hometown through somebody else's eyes. The other day I was strolling through Union Square Park after having lunch with A. and said, "We live here...and everyone else thinks it's awesome." Do I think it's awesome? Most of the time, yes, but other times I'm just tired of the same sights, sounds, and pace of New York City. I want to live somewhere else and even if I end up returning years later, I want to have experienced life elsewhere. Until that happens, I'll continue to enjoy hearing about NYC through someone else's lens. It's probably why I love talking to those who visit for the first time ("Yes, please remind me why my hometown is incredible...") and I'm mildly obsessed with Humans of New York. A curiosity for other people's stories and the lives that I brush up against every day are what keep me intrigued about this place. As Popova said at the book launch party Monday night, "I think the beauty of both books is actually the deeper messages. They both answer the question 'What is it like to live like this other person that's sort of so close to me in the city, but is not me?' And what it's like to understand what that life is like."

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I'm happy to say that our apartment no longer has bare walls. After a few months of living in our new place and stalling on decorating it, I caught the creative bug and started churning out project after project in just two weeks' time. I just couldn't stop.

First, I wanted to create a photo collage wall in our foyer to showcase photos from our travels and of our families. That IKEA saleslady might have looked at me crazy as I laid out all those frames across their displays to envision what the wall could look like, but it was worth it to have a good sense of what I was working with. I took photos before throwing the frames in my cart and then recreated the layout on top of a large roll of paper. I traced around the frames and marked the exact spot where the hook was before cutting out each shape. Then I taped the paper to the wall, took a step back to see how it looked overall and made necessary tweaks to the layout. Once I was satisfied with how it all looked, I nailed hooks right through the paper, tore the sheet off, and replaced it with the frame.

Next, I approached A. with the idea of painting a wall in our kitchen with chalkboard paint, which he loved. We put it to good use when my sister and her boyfriend came over for dinner a couple weeks ago.

Benjamin Moore (and other brands, I'm sure) now make it easy to have chalkboard paint made in any of their colors. In fact, here's how you can DIY your own batch with some non-sanded grout if you have any leftover paint at home. Prepping the paint after it was applied was a pain in the ass though as we had to cover the entire wall with chalk and then erase it all. An easy feat, you'd think, but there we were busting out rags, mixing vinegar and water concoctions, even scrubbing the wall with a toothbrush to get the wall as clean as when it was freshly painted. I was hesitant to ever draw on it again, but thankfully we've since been able to wipe the chalk off with just a damp paper towel. Maybe we just went too hard with that first round.

The office, where I spend the majority of my day, still needed a couple touches of my personality - mainly on the big blank walls right in front of my desk. I started with a few picture ledges from IKEA. At $10 and $15 each they were fairly inexpensive and allows me to display the things that make me happy (like my washi tape collection, books, and prints) and change things out without leaving too many marks on the wall. For prints, I ended up purchasing The Every Girl's Success Is Not Easy print in navy and gold and Emily McDowell's colorful print on comparison. Both are great reminders for me.

What else makes me smile? Color. Lots of it. So about a million punch cuts of paper butterflies later, I created this colorful wall installation. Beside the aching palm after punching all that paper, it was incredibly easy to do. Just lightly draw a path on the wall in pencil and then affix each butterfly along that path with either glue dots or double-sided tape.

That was immediately followed by a raincloud piñata because why not? The project took about an afternoon to make and once you learn the basic steps behind a DIY cardboard piñata (mine is empty by the way), you could dream up all kinds of shapes and ideas to deck in crêpe paper fringe. See?

For the living room wall behind the couch I knew I wanted to go big and in multiples so I bought three 24" x 36" canvases from Amazon.com and after drawing out a pattern on paper, laying on the masking tape, and deciding on a colorway, I went to town with the acrylic paint.

This project couldn't have taken more than four/five hours total and the only stressful part was making sure I mixed enough paint of any custom color to cover the necessary areas without being left with too much unused. I knew if I had to mix another batch, it would be incredibly difficult to land the exact shade again. I guess I was also worried that the colors would look crazy once the canvases dried, but I was so happy to wake up the following day, pull off the tape, and see how my latest masterpiece turned out. What do you think?

Monday, April 28, 2014

So I know I went and pulled a disappearing act for a couple months here, but things got a little crazed on my end. And by crazed I also mean lazy because sitting to write a blog post after working two jobs and designing greeting cards sounded like total torture. Sometimes I wonder if I couldn't just put out snippets of voice recordings created in my shower because it seems to be the only time I have to contemplate blog post topics in my head (but then you'd have to listen to me practice my renditions of Whitney Houston songs and Frozen's "Let It Go").

There's my wonderful trip to Chicago and the photos that I've yet to even look through, the DIY art blitz that occurred on the home front, the joys of hosting friends so much more frequently now that I'm back in Manhattan, the new book I'm reading about the benefits of meditation, feeling like I'm chasing too many things. So much to tell you and yet the idea of recounting it all leaves me feeling overwhelmed. It's like wanting to catch up with a friend you haven't seen in years and just postponing reaching out because of the time commitment you feel the encounter deserves.

But sometimes a little hello is all it takes to a least get the conversation flowing again. So, hello again.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

This beautiful video is so awkwardly cute. Directed by filmmaker Tatia Pilieva, First Kiss chronicles the brief encounter between pairs of strangers just as they're about to kiss for the first time. It totally helps that the 20 strangers chosen are really good looking, but I was smiling during the entire thing - from the first shy hello, to the nervous giggles and jokes to break the tension ("What's your name again?"), to that hot moment when they just go for it. And even though they were two strangers when they embarked on this experiment, it's clear that the connection lingered for the minutes that followed the encounter. After the first kiss was over, some remained close to their partners either in mutual embarrassment or shared triumph or they hugged in order to cling to that moment for just a bit longer.

Monday, March 10, 2014

So we've just returned from our trip to Chicago and man, what a fun time we had out there. We managed to fill our four days with hours of walking through the city's impressive architecture, trying to stay warm, hanging out with friends and stuffing ourselves with some aaah-mazing food (including repeat trips to a couple spots because even though our time was limited, we just couldn't get enough of them). While I don't think we packed in a boatload of to do's into this trip, it still feels like we covered a lot of ground. A. and I are fairly laid-back travelers and while I do like to have some idea of things to see and do in a new city, we're also happy just roaming around and seeing what interesting things we stumble upon. A. said that other people would probably find us boring since we're not going to shows or out drinking and dancing, but I just think that we have the ability to be deeply entertained no matter where we go together.

I'll be sharing some photos from our latest adventure this week!

P.S. In honor of International Women's Day, which was March 8, Oh My! Handmade Goodness has created a list of 50 Women Who Inspire & Inform and they've included me! It's crazy considering how many wonderful women who've inspired me these last few years are right there alongside me. I'm very honored and have been browsing through the list and finding other survivors and creative entrepreneurs that I need to add to my collection of badass women I need to know.

HELLO

Hi, I'm Dorkys, a NYC-based writer/illustrator who's currently loving art journaling, decorating my new apartment, and relearning how to play the guitar. Here, I cover life, my art and writing career, travels, and the ins and outs of surviving in this hectic city.