Do you snoop?

Before anyone lectures me on the immorality of snooping, let me say that I know it's wrong. I have a great boyfriend of 10 months and for no real reason other than my own unfounded insecurities I decided to investigate his wallet (I know, I know) and found a receipt from two days ago for a VERY expensive gift certificate to an upscale boutique. I thought it might be for me but it's been a couple of days and I haven't received anything from him. It's not my birthday, nor is he the type to buy something in advance for our one year anniversary. He also doesn't typically do grand gestures and this one really would be grand... It's not a family member's birthday either... I don't think he'd ever cheat but I'm going crazy wondering who this gift is for. Could be a business thing (he owns his own company) but I can't imagine why he's keeping it a secret. It's a store he knows I love and he left me early Sat morning to go buy it (I saw the date and time of the purchase). GRRRR I will never snoop again because now I know something I can't ask about. He'd be furious with me if he found out I looked through his personal belongings...

It could be for you! How do you know for sure it's not? It is a store he knows you love, how do you know he doesn't want to surprise you? You know, there are guys out there who like to do that, to see the look of utter shock, amazement and happiness on your face when he gives it to you.

And now, I think you have learned not to do this ever again, right? Because it really causes a lot of heartache and what if it's all for nothing? Why put yourself through that?

I really don't have any hang ups about snooping. I've never really done it before, I've only been in one barely could be considered a relationship, and I was too naive to snoop back then. But you've only known this guy for 10 months. There are women who have been married 10 years and would swear their husband would never cheat, and he is. It's really impossible to say you really know someone well enough to know for sure he isn't playing around.

Something must have made you snoop. Perhaps a gut instinct that he's not 100% invested in the relationship. But I think you have a right to know what you're getting into, and you can't rely on him to tell you the truth. I'd say wait a while and see if he presents you with any kind of gift. If not, and if you can be fairly certain he didn't give it to his mom, sister, co-worker or other innocent female in his life, then I'd say that's clue #1. Keep your eyes open for clue #2.

He'd be furious with me if he found out I looked through his personal belongings...

Well, wouldn't you be? I mean, going through a man's wallet is the same as him snooping through your purse. My husband would NEVER even dream of going into my purse unless he wanted something specific (money, my chapstick, etc..) and he asked me first. I, in turn, would NEVER go into his wallet unless I was getting his debit or credit card and I asked first.

I'm not trying to bash you because I do understand the whole "insecurity" thing causing you to look. The thing is, you are the only one who can control your insecurity, right? If he is the great guy you say he is then you need to cut him some slack and stop snooping. If he gives you a reason to snoop then you shouldn't be with him.

BTW, that gift may very well be for you. It could also be for a relative for an occasion you don't know of. It could be for a colleague. Does that really matter? You don't know everything about him in only 10 months.

If you feel you have a "reason" to confront him by all means do so. But also realize that this is going to make you look bad in his eyes and could spell the end of your relationship. Be prepared for anything that may happen as a result. I hope you have learned your lesson about snooping. Seriously, if you feel the need to snoop then you probably shouldn't be with him.

If he owns his own business, it's also possible that a really good client had a birthday or some special day OR an employee who has been exceptional that deserved a gift.

I wouldn't really freak out so about it yet, because like everyone else says...it could indeed be for YOU! Do you know if he is the kind of person to reward someone in this way? Does he normally buy you gifts for no reason? You know more about what kind of person he is in this respect than we do.....but I wouldn't jump to conclusions after just a couple of days...

I also agree with Happymom about snooping. I would NEVER look in my husbands wallet and would be VERY angry if I found out he had gone through my purse. Please don't ever do that again.

This is kind of niggling at me...if it's not for you then why didn't he say he was going to go to this particular boutique to get so and so something or if it was for this "client" wouldn't your typical man ask for advice? I don't know..it would be bugging the heck out of me.

Funny article I just read on msn about relationships...this woman was so bothered by her BF's female jogging partner because he always talked about her but they "were just friends" just jogged together. This jogging partner had a profile on the internet and every day this GF looked at it trying to find out if something untoward was going on(did her BF say something he shouldn't have to her). Well she looked at it so much(looking at her pictures) that one day she happened to run into the women and went up to her and introduced herself as "Ken's girlfriend" and low and behold the jogging partner said "funny so am I!" So sometimes our gut is telling us something!

OH and do I snoop...absolutely!!!!!

__________________
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

Dear BeaTrade - Your post has been in the back of my mind all day, I finally had to reply. I totally agree wi. LarryLou's mom. Start looking for that second clue! You said he "left" you on Saturday morning. To get that.
What time does your spa close? If you haven't received it yet, you probably won't.

A while back in my "own relationship", I was like, NO, I won't snoop! FOr the longest time. When I finally did come upon something accidentally, I went for the 2nd clue. and the 3rd, and 4th and 5th. Turns out this Love of my life was also the Love of about 4 other women's lives. I must've done it, out of a gut feeling though, looking back..... I believe so did you.

I wasted 5 years of my life with a cheater. Had to get tested for Sexual diseases and everything, because even after everything was in the open, he simply knew nothing about STD"s. I"m now 40 and single. Maybe because of that.... maybe because I have a real hard time trusting now.... but please don't waste 5 years.....

Just becasue its my story , doesn't mean its your story, but I've just heard it from so many countless others. I found a receipt for a "ring" from a store he had bought me a couple of rings from before. Come to find out, they were of course having a special, and he bought lots of rings, for lots of women.

So, then I started looking at his credit card statements. Dinners out everywhere.... on nites he said he was "working". I was, for 2 1/2 years, "going out" seriously, with a Stranger. ANd a no good cheater, that put my health at risk.

Men are creatures we eventually come to understand a little of anyway, and they are NOT creatures who leave you to get up on Sat morning to purchase something unless there was a deadline, an anniversary, a birthday... So unless you have confronted him already, think about sisters, mothers, sister-laws, but don't be naive. Life really is too short. Look for that 2nd clue.

Had I followed my "REAL gut instincts" , I would've Shown up unexpectedly to find him "WITH" other women, I"m sure a few times. I give this advice , knowing I didn't listen to others that I myself had to make my own mistakes and learn from them. But if I HAD listened, and not been so naive, I could have at least 3 years back to find MR. Right. LIfe is SHORT! I wish I would've listened.

Sorry , Don't mean to be a downer, but keep an eye on this boy!!!

Sincerely, Sherbear38

PS. One day, I just saidto him, you know, I know..... my girlfriend saw you the other nite.... Now, I could've meant Anything. But, he totally broke down and told me he was cheating. Truth was, I knew nothing at the time!

It could be for me, that's true. It's just very out of character. He's never done the grand gesture thing with me and I'm not sure why he'd do it all of a sudden. I can't know for sure though and I can't ask him either so I'll have to sit tight. In the meantime, I haven't received anything!

You have 2 options here. You can either fess up and confront him about the receipt and find out once and for all, or you can sit tight and pretend you didn't see it and wonder and suspect for the rest of the relationship, however long it lasts. But I guarantee if you choose the sit and wait option, you WILL snoop again because you will want to try to find out more. OR you can stop snooping and stress yourself out wondering.

For me, it's a no-brainer. I'd fess up to snooping and ask. If he focuses on the fact that you snooped and doesn't address the issue of the receipt, you pretty much know where you stand.

I snooped, confessed and confronted. He did get angry that I snooped, but then he told me what was going on after all. I lost some face, but I did get my answer.

Hi Emsy33 - If something is going on, clues 2 & 3 should show up within 2 weeks to a month of clue one. You won't have to wati to long. Patience may save you a lot of time here. I say look for the clues!! sherbear38

Yikes this is a hard one. I've been with the same guy for 8 years and had never snooped until 2 years ago. My boyfriend had come into some money and was spending it like crazy. I made him promise me that he would save X amount of dollars so that we could buy a house together in the future. Although I've known his bank account number for years I had never been tempted to check into them until I saw him blowing all his money.

What I found out was that he had just recently purchased a very expensive item at a jewelry store. I spent my nights wondering why if he had purchased me something had he not given it to me yet. Was he cheating? What did he buy? It took him over a month to actually give me my diamond earrings and to this day I regret not having the beauty of true surprise when I received my gift. He still to this day doesn’t know and I’ve never been tempted to log on to his account again.

Give it a few more weeks. Maybe he’s decided to hold on to it for awhile.

It could be for me, that's true. It's just very out of character. He's never done the grand gesture thing with me and I'm not sure why he'd do it all of a sudden. I can't know for sure though and I can't ask him either so I'll have to sit tight. In the meantime, I haven't received anything!

6 years I've invested into this relationship and it was the first piece of jewelry I ever received from this man. No thats out of character!

Such great feedback from all of you. I really, really don't think he's the type to cheat. Plus, we're not married - we don't even live together! If he wanted another relationship, he could end things with me and go for it. I snooped because of me, not because of him. My last relationship was with someone who made me feel betrayed on a weekly basis. I'd snoop and find the worst and I know that the experience of being lied to has left a mark on me. Of course I hope it's from me but common sense (or bad self esteem)says it's probably not. Probably for a colleague or even his mother (can't recall when her birthday is). As tempted as I am to follow up with a second snoop I will try very hard not too. He's never given me any reason to doubt him and all I'm doing now is digging up clues that I can't hope to answer on my own.