fights

There are better ways to bring a fight to an end than a quick hug-it-out session and a simple "I'm sorry." Have you heard of sex, for example? Here are five moves to whip out the next time you need a creative way to stop a couple's quarrel. 1. Give each other a massage. Fighting takes a toll on your muscles—your shoulders tense, your neck strains, your stomach knots. Help each other relieve those stress-related aches and pains with a makeup massage that could should lead to more. 2. Watch others argue instead. It's time to program your Netflix queue to rom coms that will make you giggle and feel grateful for your own imperfect but totally unique twosome. Sitting side by side, sharing a bowl of popcorn while you laugh it out, will make you forget you fought at all. 3. Remove your clothes. Show each other just how much you care. Now's the time to have the exact kind of dirty sex he's been begging you for, or for him to cater to one of those fantasies you've been hinting at forever. 4. Stroke his ego. Did you tick off his most unpleasant traits as if you'd written read more

Some apologies are sweet, heartfelt, and meaningful. Others, like oatmeal raisin cookies that masquerade as their superior chocolate-chip brethren, are total fake-outs. When your guy screws up, is he offering you the latter or the former? Here are a few ways to tell he's genuine (and, along the way, you can pick up a few tips about the right way to apologize if you find yourself in the wrong). He doesn't get condescending. Things like "I'm sorry you feel that way," "That wasn't my intention, but sorry you're offended," and the like are not real apologies. They sound like one, but they're a sneaky way of absolving himself of responsibility. He doesn't interrupt you. When you're expressing your feelings, he doesn't jump in to defend himself or explain his point of view. This proves he's truly listening as opposed to just remaining on the defensive, his urge to be right coiled like a spring. He repeats what you're saying. Isn't it the worst when he's like, "I'm sorry," and you respond, "For what, exactly?" and it's obvious he's clueless about where to go from there, even if you've already said why you're upset? The opposite of that is when he's read more

We know communication is key in any healthy relationship—and how we choose to chat when the chips are down is perhaps the most telling sign of whether our relationships are robust or in need of life support. There are good and downright bad ways to fight, and I've listed just a few of them below. Which is your go-to fighting style? You talk it out: No matter the problem, you're prepared with a calm demeanor, an open mind, and the willingness to try to understand your partner's points—even if you leave the table agreeing to disagree—for as long as it takes for you both to feel better. You put up your dukes: Like Pat Benatar, you're not afraid of a good argument. In an attempt to express your side, you can get combative, raise your voice, or fight dirty—whatever it takes to put an end to that squabble. You give up: Call it conflict-averse or gun-shy, you prefer to let your partner pipe up, agree with his conclusion, and simply move on because you've got better things to do than bicker. You get defensive: The second your guy flings an accusation your way, your instinct is to explain why what read more

My boyfriend and I have kind of argued about jellybeans. I say "kind of" because it didn't get serious, but still, we definitely had completely opposite opinions about the situation. For some backstory, Blake got a huge vat of jellybeans as a Christmas present from his family. The second he unwrapped it, my eyes locked onto the lovely rainbow-color mix of deliciousness inside. I can pop jellybeans all day, every day. The juicy burst of flavor (well, fake flavor, I don't pretend that they're a virtuous snack choice) offers such a fantastic sugar rush. The issue is that I really like only the yellow and green ones, while Blake eats all of them. Fast-forward to a few days later, when there was not a single yellow or green bean in the entire top half of the container. "You can't just go through and pick out the lemon and limes ones!" he'd tell me, even though he'd admitted they were his least favorite. Then I would explain why they were so good and say that I had left him some yellows, because there's no way I'd subject myself to the awfulness of buttered popcorn jellybeans. For the rest of Christmas break, read more

Nothing kills the lovey-dovey vibe of your relationship quite like a fight. Whether it's a massive eruption of pent-up annoyance or a prolonged period of sniping at each other, it can be tough to find the good things about your guy when you're so mad at him steam is pouring out of your ears (actually, you might just be convinced you made a mistake and there's nothing good about him, period). Luckily, the way you handle the post-blowout aftermath could actually strengthen your relationship. If you can get some "repairing" action in there ASAP, you can bounce back and return to being smitten lovebirds. "In every good relationship, couples have repairing skills, and they repair early," psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman tells Business Insider. He thinks of it as the number one trait most successful relationships share, which means you've got to hop on the repairing bandwagon after a fight if you don't want issues to fester. What exactly is repairing? "The thing that all really good marriages and love relationships have in common is that they communicate to their partner a model that when you're upset, I listen. The world stops, and I listen. And we repair things," read more

Millennial women are, in a word, badasses. We're Leaning In, trying to have it all, and making milestones in the process. But is there a romantic cost to being such a trailblazer? Does crushing it at the gym, climbing the ladder at work, and looking put together while doing it actually scare men off? Unfortunately, it can. My advice? Don't let that stop you. I always thought "you're intimidating" was a paltry excuse a guy can whip out when he feels uncomfortable 'fessing up to the reality that he's just not into you. Besides that, it also seems like a common reason girlfriends use to explain why one of their own is perennially single. I asked my boyfriend whether this is more of a convenient reason guys use to break off a budding relationship or a legitimate feeling they might have when dealing with a powerful woman. He says it's the latter. "A guy might absolutely feel like a woman is too attractive, too cool, too smart, or something along those lines. But the intimidation factor should rapidly dissipate after he starts talking to the woman in question," says Blake. "If a guy uses intimidation as a reason to dump read more

Relationships should be about 95 percent sunshine and 5 percent everything else. (I’ve heard the more realistic version is 85 and 15 percent, but I’m feeling optimistic today.) Though the negative moments are ideally small, boy, can they be fierce. I already covered times when it’s A-OK to be jealous in a relationship, but what about just being plain annoyed? You know, those moments when you feel like you’d be fine being a hermit for the rest of your days, or at least a week, until the warm and fuzzies come back. Here are a few times when, even if it’s not productive to the relationship, it’s fine to be annoyed. It happens to the best of us. When you just know he isn’t listening. You’re telling him something important (if he doesn’t see the significance of the dream you had last night about leading a pack of Cyborgs, that’s on him) but his eyes are glazed over because he’s scrolling through his phone. When he bungles a gift. You went all out, he did not. Click your heels together three times and repeat “it’s the thought that counts” however long you need to until it sticks. And going forward, make read more

The relationship ultimatum is a common trope in movies and TV, but is it a good idea in real life? It can definitely seem like one; maybe your boyfriend is dragging his feet when it comes to getting down on bended knee or is at the office so much you barely ever see his face. If you feel like you're at a breaking point and need him to do something or the relationship will be over, issuing an ultimatum may seem like a smart way to make it clear that you mean business. Although it can feel natural to blurt one out in the heat of the moment or even after a lot of thought, I'd still caution most people against giving someone an ultimatum. Let's think about why ultimatums usually come about: One person isn't doing something the other person wants. They often occur after the topic has been talked to death and one person thinks the relationship can no longer function unless some big changes are made. The goal is for those changes to happen in an organic fashion, but an ultimatum is more about forcing someone's hand. It's wielding power in a way that can very easily read more

There comes a moment in every relationship when you have to lady up and make a big-time apology to your S.O. Whether you did something small like accidentally making him feel left out at a party or something way bigger, like getting a little too close to another guy, there are a few ways to ensure you've made a sincere apology that has the best chance of sticking. Here are some rules to keep in mind. Actually say the words "I'm sorry." Your pride may make you reluctant to utter this all-important phrase, or maybe you just forget. Either way, it will make it seem like less of an actual apology if you leave this out. Even better, go on to say exactly what you're sorry for. Repeat his feelings back to him. One of the easiest ways to make him feel like his feelings are valid is by showing you understand what's going on in his mind. Say something like, "I completely get why you're upset that I missed date night because I was working late. I know you were excited to check out that new restaurant, and I'm sorry for messing that up." Don't get defensive. I know read more

I love a good drama as much as the next girl. In fact, I don’t mind when it gets so messy you don’t know whose side to take, when the argument flashing across your TV screen makes you squirm. I’m a Scandal fan, after all. I like a fight. What I don’t like is to see IRL people—adults—play out their affairs for the world to see on Facebook. And yet This Facebook “friend’s” fight went a little like this: At 7:49 P.M., she posted to her timeline, “I am sick to death of a certain person chastising me for spending my OWN money on things I want. People need to learn to keep their mouths shut.” (Ironic, coming from her, no?) And while the rest of us looked on in horror, that “certain person” responded by saying, “And some people need to understand that buying shoes on credit, while they still have school loans to pay off, might not be the best idea.” It only got worse from there. More than 10 back-and-forth bickering posts later, and this couple finally ended the thread. We “friends,” meanwhile, were left with the distinct feeling of nausea. Why, oh why, must some people read more

The holiday season—full of flight-delays, expensive trips home, extensive gifting, probing personal questions from relatives, and obligatory dinners—has a special way of making us all wish we were orphans. If my sarcasm smacks of some truth to you, then I'm glad you're reading this. These five tricks (coping mechanisms?) will come in handy as you mix and mingle with your relatives this season. Keep them in mind: 1. You're an adult now. Once you move out of the house and live your own life, your parents no longer get to call the shots. If they can't accept that, for example, you became a comedian instead of a lawyer, or they won't learn your boyfriend's name after spending three Thanksgivings in a row with him, you can speak up. No need to sit through a dinner and be absolutely miserable—wait until your mom gets up to grab more green beans and politely let her know his name is Adam, and you'd appreciate it if she'd ask him a few questions about his life, thankyouverymuch. 2. Nobody's perfect. Perhaps you try so hard to keep this crazy bunch of loonies together that the slightest transgression feels like an epic slap in the read more

It's counterintuitive, but fighting in a relationship can make you fall even more in love. I know, hard to imagine when arguing with your SO makes you feel like you've been downing crazy pills by the handful! Here are the best and worst things you can say to get through the fighting and onto the makeup sex. Best "I know your mom loves you. How could she not? But her three calls a day interfere with 'us' time." This makes me think of that Jennifer Lopez movie Monster in Law (one of the most underrated romantic comedies, in my opinion). J.Lo's character did an excellent job of hiding how she truly felt about her fiance's mom, even though she was the kind of awful only Jane Fonda can really nail on screen. Whether it's his mom or annoying friend, acknowledging what they add to his life before you air your grievances will make him realize you're being fair, and thus more likely to hear you out. "I can see why it seemed like I didn't care about your Game of Thrones conspiracy theories. Here's what happened from my point of view." When he explain something he's upset about, repeat those read more

When it comes to flirting while you're in an exclusive relationship, people are as divided as my friends and I used to be about *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys: Some think it's OK, while others are sure it's totally off-limits. I define flirting as being a little sweeter, cuter, and sassier with someone than you normally would be. Nothing forbidden, just something that adds a little pep to your step right after it happens. Of course, flirting isn't always that innocent! It can be all fun and games, but it also has the potential to lay the groundwork for something much messier. Here are a few indications it may be problematic and even potentially veer into cheating territory. It's always with the same person. Rather than sprinkling coquettishness throughout your life like some type of flirting fairy (think the waiter at your brunch spot or the guy next to you at a book reading), you reserve all of it for one person. This can totally be fair game as long as it doesn't become a special, emotional thing between you and just this one specific person outside of your relationship. So always being extra cheeky with your Starbucks barista? Totally read more

Please don't hate me for saying this, but most women have a tendency to be passive-aggressive when something is bothering them. It's the classic catch-22: Women don't want to come off as the "crazy" girlfriend stereotype, so instead of being up front about their feelings, they sweep their annoyances and insecurities under the rug. And then what happens? The mess gets bigger and bigger and becomes impossible to clean up. In fact, it can even drive you, well, crazy. Controlling the tendency to be resentful and frustrated is a better idea—if you can learn to avoid the snappy or silent behavior and have direct, calm discussions instead, you'll have better results with men. So, understanding your predicament, here's my advice: Opt out of the vicious cycle of keeping things to yourself. Curious about why your guy's ex-girlfriend still texts him all the time? Annoyed that he likes to go out with the boys without you once a weekend? These concerns don't have to become issues if you ask the right questions, the right way. It's the not knowing that scares us the most, and by asking, he will tell you. If you'd rather sit with the insecurity and uncertainty than read more

As you may have noticed, I'm engaged! As the last season of Million Dollar Listing: New York showed, every couple has to overcome some differences to get to this point, and we were no different. Anyone who has been married or in a serious relationship knows about the mini battles, many of which turn into habitual disagreements like an unfunny inside joke between the two of you. As much as I would like to say these spurts of stubbornness and overly prideful moments don't apply to me or my relationship with Emilia, my gorgeous Greek siren of a fiancée, they sure do. Let's take dinner, for example. I work 18 hour days every single day of my life, and as a result, I don't always have as much time out of the office or at home as I would like. If it's a "normal" day, I either eat my lunch in the car, as I am sprinting down the street en route to a listing pitch, or I just forget to eat lunch altogether. Although Emilia is undoubtedly more understanding than most when it comes to dating a workaholic, she occasionally gets frustrated when I suggest we do dinner the read more

I’m typically a pleasant person to be around...except when I’m sleepy or hungry. A recent study, The Role of Sleep in Interpersonal Conflict: Do Sleepless Nights Mean Worse Fights?, examined whether poor sleep influenced the degree, nature, and resolution of conflict. Spoiler alert: I am not the only one who needs her sleep. According to the researchers of the 14-day study, couples reported more conflict in their relationships following nights of poor sleep. As little as one night of poor sleep and only one of the partners experiencing it was enough to cause conflict the next day. Yikes. Also, poor sleep was associated with less empathy. This could mean that you’d be less likely to understand the importance of your boyfriend’s fantasy league or why he couldn’t just put his shoes away. For more ridiculous fights, read the hilarious, 7 Ridiculous but True Couple Fights. (Perhaps they could have been avoided with more sleep?) Finally, according to the study, sleep deprivation could cause a more damaging fight. Eeps, this could turn what started out as a fight about fantasy football into a fight about why you haven’t met his mother yet. Because we all know football and moms are directly read more

I am much happier when there is peace in my relationship—aren't you? Life is much more enjoyable when our personal life feels like a respite from our stressful jobs (instead of additional stress to come home to). Our homes should be a sanctuary and a place to recharge our batteries so we can wake up the next morning and do it all over again. And there is nothing worse than unresolved conflict looming at home waiting for you after a hard day. Don't get me wrong, I am not Mr. Perfect. I've made some big mistakes when it comes to conflict resolution in relationships. I mean, we all have our moments—it's only human. But I began to notice that most of my conflict was caused by miscommunication. When I am already stressed out and tired from a long day of work, it's hard for me to remain calm and communicate effectively under that pressure. So, for what it's worth, I thought I would share some tips that helped me learn to deal with my own stress better in relationships. Here are my personal dos and don'ts for keeping conflict to a minimum: Dos: Listen. Let your partner know you are read more

A fight between two halves of one couple is not a coming-to-blows where one person is a winner and the other is a loser. A fight is the revelation of something in your relationship that can be strengthened. If there is a problem, a couple should try to come together to fix it and to put it to bed. We are known for fighting from our Twitter account, @WeFoughtAbout, but luckily we are even better at making up. We’re great at making up because we know the most important thing about couplehood: It has to be OK to disagree. Once you’ve got that established, the fights that come up can be resolved however each couple feels most comfortable doing it. Here are a few basics that may work fairly well (spoiler alert: they’re almost all about communication): 1. Take a Knee and Talk It Out Coming to a resolution without communication is like when you spend the time to wash and dry your clothes but don’t neatly fold them and put them away (please tell me y’all have that problem), so you did all that work and then when you get dressed one morning your blue shirt is still read more