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F#$% my life?

Ok so this is going to be a very emo post I am sorry if anyone gets upset reading this it's not my intention but I just feel like I'm so f4cking alone I don't know who else to talk to that won't just pretend they understand so who better to cry to then people who atcually f4king know what it feels like right ???

with Moebius syndrome for me, I feel like my life is constantly full of lows and hardly ever any highs unless I convince myself that it's ok. Let's be real, it's not f4king OK its not even close to being ok? i feel like a freak of nature, im 22 this year and mentally I feel like a f4king 80 year old. I'm so exhausted with having to live in my own skin and having to watch day after day after f4king day at peoples expressions at the way people talk to me at the way people mock me, ignore me, leave me out of sh1t, pretend I don't exist. I thought I was over this, I thought that I had moved on with life. But realistically nothing wil ever f4king change I will always be this.

I just feel so f4king depressed all the time now. I cant stand it, I feel so disgusting, I feel like life is so unfair why was Ithat person who ended up being born like this??? its so unfair. I hate it. I hate it so bad I could scream and f4king burn the whole world down. Everytime people keep saying its ok and being positive I feel even more angry, I feel so angry with the fact that I have to keep positive about life just to be able to keep waking up every morning. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm constantly f4cking thinking about life, about everything I can't stop thinking. I'm going crazy, every day I feel more alone.

I think the fact that I do have a very attractive look makes it even worse. How can i have the "whole package" and be missing the very one thing that every person has just to social/ to be human. F4king expression? where is my expression? where is it? HOW IS IT MISSING? HOW DOES THIS SH1T JUST HAPPEN? IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE AND I CANT BELIEVE THERE IS NOTHING TO FIX THIS?!??! I know that there are lots of other people out there that have it so far off then me and I am very lucky that I have a few good friends and a family that loves me, but I just can't stand being me. I'm sorry If I make them all upset but I f4cking hate looking in the reflection everyday and seeing nothing, seeing blank. Because I feel blank. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore, I cant talk to them face to face I feel so ashamed and embarresed by something I cant help so i just pretend like i dont exsist and hopefully nobody will aknowlage me. what kind of f4king life is this? to feel like that.

I smashed all the mirrors in my house today, I lost it I couldnt stand it, i dont want to see anything that reminds me of the freak I am. Im abusing myself mentally im falling apart, and it makes me upset that i have nothing on my face that expresses how upset I am. I am a very expressive person at heart, and taking away my ability to show what i look like just breaks me, it breaks my heart everytime. its just so hard... like even with job interviews you know, even thought they say they dont descriminate they f4king do and they know it.

I know life is what you make it but I feel like someone just hacked half my body off and said your human go live life nothing wrong with you its all fine. if that makes sense).

I just dont understand why I feel so disgusted with myself, I cant help but cry now when im typing this, I know who I am, and I know its not my fault that I was born like this and I shouldnt put myself down and I should be kind to myself but i just fall so f4king hard sometimes. It hits me so bad. I have never looked into the mirror before and talked or blinked or tried to smile. I just cant, I have to live in this mindset that I am somehow normal If I did I just couldnt make it I cant make myself see myself like that.

Moebius syndrome doesnt affect my love life. Ive loved, ive been hurt, ive expieremented Ive done everything, i dont even understand how like i intimidate people with my lack of expression its just how it is and idk i just cant be f4cked even trying anymore I just really cant hey. I feel so alone... i really feel like i cant talk to anyone. I want to talk to people who areliving like me who also have this for people who dont have this syndrome they have no idea what its like and it just makes me angry when they try to get down to my level to see it the way i see it it just doesnt work feels like they are being f4ck tards trying to mock me.

I want to know peoples life expierences with dealing with this sort of sh1t? good and bad. I want to hear how I can atcually live my life like this because I honestly feel like i cant. I feel like I dont have the strength to live a full and happy life. I feel like this sh1t just knocks me down to much.

I usually post on Child Neurology, but I saw your post in current feeds. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Your post screams pain and it hurts to even read it, much less feel it personally. I will add you to the top of my prayer list today - it certainly cannot hurt. I'll pray for peace and contentment in your heart, excluding all the hurts that come from outside and in. I hope you have a better day and I'll sign off like my friend over the Child Neuro board, "Love and light", Donna

I can't tell you how glad I am that you found us!!!

We do have a forum for what you're dealing with. Not sure, how active, it is, but, you might
want to check it out. There may be people who are dealing with your issues and could use
someone to talk to, but, maybe, they're waiting for someone else, to post because, that forum
is so quiet and, like you, they may not want to be the first one, to post!:) Give it a try!;)
Also, feel free, *anytime*, to PM me if, you just need an ear! We all have something, here, so, we may not
be dealing with the same thing, but, I can promise you, were *all*, glad, you're here!!!!!!:)
Welcome to B. / T.!!!:)

i've atcually been on this forum before, I made another account back in i think 08? that i lost. It's hard because I live in Australia and I'm not really around on the same time zone to chat properly with people. Thankyou all of you for your support it made me feel a little better knowing someone cares and listens :)

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Always consult your doctor before trying anything that you find online.