In a recent, historic sting, the Federal Bureau of Investigations revealed that Queen Elizabeth II has been savagely trolling the President of The United States on Twitter under the handle @sassyclaptrap22.

The FBI’s cyber team recently traced the URL of the account back to Buckingham Palace after the number of tweets directed at the President, as well as the severity of the tweets presented themselves as red flags to the authorities. Tweets like:

@sasyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “Is it possible to beat someone senseless with a dildo? I would like to try on you!” Twitter, February 2, 2018 2:08 a.m.

And

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “Dear Mr. President, are you allergic to peanuts, do you have any allergies? When do you eat and where? Who prepares your coffee? Just wondering.” Twitter, February 15, 2018 12:43 a.m.

“I mean it's standard procedure,” said FBI Agent Mitch Mclurry, who is in charge of the investigation. “Trust me, the President gets trolled every day and in every which kind of way. But the frequency, and the severity of the tweets put out by this account raised eyebrows.

“When I finally traced this account back to Buckingham Palace, I thought it might be the help, you know, a butler or something,” Mclurry said. “But, the more I checked the URL, the more I could tell that it traced directly to the Queen’s bedroom. I worked with NSA for months on this, and they revealed that it was indeed the Queen of England doing this, writing these tweets. We couldn't believe it, I mean we were absolutely listless. We checked the address a million times before I went to my superior. None of us wanted to deal with this, but we had to,” Mcleary said.

“We had all been afraid this might happen with someone else, you know, like Putin or Merkel or Shinzo Abe from Japan or even that disgraced former president from Brazil, Dilma Rousseff, or Kim Jong Un even.

“Let’s face it, the president gets under people’s skin worse than ticks, you know. He’s an annoying guy, you can still be patriotic and say that.

“I think he does it on purpose. Anyway, we knew it was just a matter of time before a leader of a major country would vent their frustrations with Trump on Twitter - a taste of his own medicine.

“I wouldn't have put my money on it being the Queen though.

“Here are some more of the tweets,” Agent Mclurry said as he read the tweets aloud.

“Are those even your eyebrows? Seriously man. You were right to put the butt cream on your face, but you have to rub it in, first, you know.

“Dear Mr President, I bet that even your primal groans after three minutes of sex need to be spell checked!

“Cheeky boy, you just made the statue of liberty throw up.

“Don’t worry Donald, any time things get too hard, you can escape back to Nambia and ride on magical elephants with unicorn horns, and be surrounded by women who like you for you, not for your money.

“Dear Mr. President, I bet that you fart in bed in the middle of the night and that the smell awakens your poor wife.

“Dear Mr. President, it’s like that line in the movie Goodfellas, whoever sold you that suit had a wonderful sense of humor!

“I mean, the stuff goes on and on,”Mclurry said, cracking a small smile, “and it’s like I said before, I get it, you know, we all vent, but some of these tweets were violent and unnecessary. He went on to read more tweets.

“Dear Mr. President, I will sneak into the White House, tie you up, and make Melania sleep with one of your sons while you watch.

“Dear Mr. President, your orange hair stresses me out. I wonder if you have orange hairs down there as well. Your happy trail probably looks like the napalm your country used in the Vietnam War.”

Mclurry stopped and looked down, shaking his head. When asked if he was indeed concealing a laugh, he denied it.

Flake News flew to England the next day to interview the Queen herself.

When Flake News finally arrived at Buckingham Palace and interviewed the Queen, she was more than a bit demur about the whole affair. She simply took a bite out of her biscuit and then drank some tea.

Her husband, Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, was visibly happy to be the one who did not act inappropriately for the first time in his marriage. He shook his head and clicked his tongue for a while, then simply looked at Queen Elizabeth and scolded her.

“What have you done this time, cabbage?!” Phillip said.

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When asked if she would continue the account, the Queen simply smiled and looked out the window. Just days later the trolling continued.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “We can take that big belly of yours and use the fat to grease my hunting rifle.” Twitter, July 7, 2018 4:00 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “I would love to lock you into London Tower until your teeth fall out. I think it might be an improvement.” Twitter, July 8 2018 2:03 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “The British government will now use your speeches to drive prisoners to confession.” Twitter, July 8 2018 2:04 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 ( Big Bertha). “Dear Sir, it has come to my attention that you clearly must lose weight! I would suggest some cardio. How about you let secret service drop you off in East LA and you try to get out alive.” Twitter, July 8 2018 3:04 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “Dear Sir, winning an election by having a bunch of sleeveless t-shirt-wearing bubba good ole boys in Florida tip the election in your favor is like us letting the Scots, the Irish, and even the Australians into the country for one night to vote for the Prime Minister. It flat out shouldn't count!” Twitter, July 9 2018 12:00 p.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “The Atlantic Ocean separates us, can you swim all the way tot the bottom? Give it a try?” Twitter, July 11, 2018, 1:04 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “You are grasping English about as well as that wig is gripping your head, my good man.” Twitter, July 11, 2018 1:06 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “A poem:I once met a gorilla in a zoo, to whom I would rather entrust the nuclear codes to, than you.” Twitter, July 11, 2018 1:08 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “You telling London's mayor how to do his job reminds me of when my great grandson suggested I give out free rainbow ice cream to everyone in England.” Twitter, July 11, 2018 1:15 p.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “I appreciate how you grab women by the fanny...anyone who grabs onto you just needs to grab a bit of that stomach fat, don't they?!” Twitter, July 11, 2018 1:30 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “You refused to shake hands with Angela Merkel because you know she could beat you at an arm wrestling match.” Twitter, July 11, 2018 1:40 a.m.

@sassyclaptrap22 (Big Bertha). “Sometimes at night I imagine you in a dark, cellar interrogation room with James Bond (Daniel Craig of course) and you are both shirtless as Bond interrogates you. And when you won't talk, you are smacked in the face with your own belly fat.” Twitter, March 2, 2018

When Geoffrey Altrocchi is not writing political satire, he is washing dishes. If your dishes were dirty recently in way that they shouldn't have been dirty, please contact him through his blog and let him know. And while you are on his blog, check out his movie reviews and the Cinegeoff Podcast.

When Geoffrey Altrocchi is not writing political satire, he is washing dishes. If your dishes were dirty recently in way that they shouldn't have been dirty, please contact him through his blog and let him know. And while you are on his blog, check out his movie reviews and the Cinegeoff Podcast.