Did you know that at any moment you could die? Just like that. The sun could explode, terrorists could drop a nuke, stuff happens. I used to think about these things a lot. I still do sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a happy guy.

And if you saw me in class you might think of me as a well-adjusted dude. “Billy, yeah he’s a pretty fun guy,” some would say. But if you really got to know me, you’d know that I’m not always the happy-go-lucky type. In fact, I’m what you would call, sort of depressed, and at times, just depressed. Period.

So, you’re probably thinking why is he depressed? Did somebody run over my dog? No, actually, I’ve never had a dog. There can be a number of reasons why I feel the way I feel. If I could be all smiles all day that’d be awesome, but happiness, like all of our emotions, are temporary conditions. Keyword is temporary. I try hard to keep a friendly exterior so I don’t immediately scare people off. Over the years I’ve learned to cope with it like a bad habit, I recognize the feelings and then counteract them. So, how do I do that?

I like to run. Running is a physical activity that works my entire body, kind of like swimming or climbing. Blasting my entire physical self keeps my mind from worrying. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” or “I shouldn’t get my hopes up for this, it’ll never happen” are erased when my Nikes are laced up and my feet are on the pavement. I listen to music when I run but rarely do I actually listen. All I think about is moving my feet, keeping my back straight and making sure I don’t get hit by a car.

Seriously, that would suck.

Running is a coping mechanism, a way to physically relieve myself of the mental stresses I face.

If it’s raining or hailing and I can’t go for a jog, I’d pick up my guitar and play “Norwegian Wood” by The Beatles, or maybe the “Island Song” from Adventure Time. When it gets bad, I like to do what truly makes me happy and that’s playing music and jogging.

People can feel depressed even if they’re not clinically diagnosed, it happens; and it’s important to know where it comes from. For me, a number of things can trigger bad thoughts. It can come from getting a crappy grade, having a failed date or my shrinking bank account. Damn, did I let my parents down?

Sometimes I feel really crummy after having a lot of drinks, or if a friend is talking about future plans, stuff after college, or, God, even relationships. Or it can be completely out of the blue, sometimes you just wake up feeling like shit. I try to be quick at identifying – I can’t believe I’m writing about this – sadness. But once you know where it comes from, remove yourself from those situations, if possible.

I worry about those things. But why worry? If we can’t do anything about it and the situation is out of our control, don’t worry. If we already did everything we can, then don’t worry. If everything’s all good, don’t worry. A good friend of mine gave me that piece of advice and for the most part it holds true. I try not to dwell on things that are clearly out of my reach. There’s no use in worrying, it helps nobody.

Like my friend who gave me advice, it’s important to note that the people around me are what keep me going. I’ve thought about kicking the bucket early but obviously haven’t done that. One of my favorite authors, Elie Wiesel, who wrote about his holocaust experiences in his memoir, Night, once said, “Our lives no longer belong to us alone, they belong to everyone who needs us desperately.” I believe that. For those of us who have really bad thoughts, just remember those who need us. We can’t let them go, I can’t. Because I know I don’t want to let them all down. I don’t want to let myself down either.

If you, a friend, or a loved one needs help, take action. Ask them to go on a stroll and talk to them. If you think it’s more serious, reach out to your campus health center.

6 Comments

Here in our company in Brazil we have some students which moved by problems in college, some of them required medical leave and were removed from active for a while. With support and time the situation has improved, but it is a real problem. Gaeta, Sergio – ERP Software Consultant at http://www.sbg.com.br

[...] (I was kicked out of A.R.C.) that I found my true passion, and befriended my biggest supporter, Billy, you might know him as a fellow Chegg blogger who had his own bouts with depression. While sloppy and tackily written, the stories and poems I wrote in class sparked a light in me [...]

I love this post, even though I’m getting to it a few months later than most. Keeping both lighthearted and serious in writing about depression is a delicate balance and you’ve done it amazingly well. Also, I’ve never admitted this to anyone before, but I watch Jake from Adventure Time doing the hula dance to the Island Song when I feel really down. It works even better than Bacon Pancakes, sometimes! I feel a kindred spirit in you! Haha. Thanks again.