Nobody Puts Baby in a Horner’s Good Parenting Corner

No no, if you want to make sure that you raise an upstanding member of society who is free of any and all social ills and moral deviances, you have to start with ’em young, so please be sure to race your babies:

And when they’re older, don’t forget to ruin celebrate their tenth birthday by making them forgo presents and break the world’s underwear record:

They may tell you they hate you and complain about you to their therapist for years to come, but don’t worry. These things build character.