I write what I feel like writing :) Besides that, I like to talk about my week, photography, YouTube videos and books. I'm a sophomore and I live in Panama/Tampa. I like to travel and experience new adventures.
Twitter and Instagram: @staceaileen

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Sunday, October 19, 2014

On Monday I went to USF to do a lot of stuff, among those to drop off this semester. At first I was going to drop it off, then I thought I could manage it but then after talking to the advisor I've decided to drop it off. Tia Doris has been really helpful with this decision as well as Alex, thank God for them. I returned my rented books, finished packing, did laundry, move my bike into my room and picked Patty's package. When talking to the advisor I broke down, the moment I said the words "my mom passed away last Thursday" I started crying. A mother's death is not the same as a father's death in my opinion, unless you are closer to your dad but I think everybody is closer to their mother.Tuesday was a really down played day, we deposited some money in the university's credit union, had some IHOP for lunch and went to Target. What I love about Target is that relaxing feeling I get while walking the aisles. It's just so therapeutic, I'm such a white girl. The only thing my Target's missing is a Starbucks, lol. We had Chinese takeout for dinner and it was so good, I'll never get tired of if. I can picture it now, next year by Fall living on my own apartment with my own kitchen watching Disney Channel while having Chinese - perfection. I still get sad when thinking about my mom. I think I haven't got to that stage where I fully break down, I know I broke down last week but I have a hunch the eye of the hurricane is gonna end soon.Wednesday was better, 'Las Tias' are on point for sure when it comes to how I'm feeling. Kudos to Vivianne as well, she's been a miracle to me this week. I truly don't know how I'd be without her entertaining me this whole week. Tomorrow marks a whole week since mom passed... And I still think I haven't realized that I've lost her forever. Today we drove to Orlando to pick up the death certificate as well as the cremation document, then drove back to Tampa to certify them at the Panamanian consulate. The highlight of my day was certainly having lunch at Fuddruckers and Alejandra now tells me there's one at Panama! Acun called twice at night and he sounds so much cheerful it brightens my heart. It appears that the girls made a group to talk about my situation, and Vivianne updates them about me and suddenly each starts texting me and I thought it was all a coincidence until I asked Alex and she told me about the group, lol. Roger's mom, Tia Esther, as also been very attentive and I can never stop thinking: "bless all the Tias".Thursday was a rough day, Dad and I went to the airport early in the morning, around 4:30 am. We hopped on the plane and I kid you not the guy next to me was so huge he kept bumping my side with his arm and he looked like he did not care at all. He also had Beats headphones and what's the point on having sound proof headphones if I can hear what you're listening to? Maybe some classical or instrumental music would be fine but salsa and reggeaton? We landed and Apo came to pick us up. The reunion with my grandpa was really emotive, at first I made it seem like I was fine, but then my grandma hugged me... then it all went down. I went to my grandpa and he hugged me as well making all the tears flow making our own little pool in the laundry room. It was hot, humid, and uncomfortable but there we were hugging and crying together. I've never seen my grandpa cry, or hear him say those kinds of words, or even hugged me for that long of a time. While we were there we decided on a picture for the mass on Tuesday, I can honestly say I did not like the picture they chose. They chose a studio photo and I don't like it because they other options showed a more relaxed and real look in her facial expressions. But it looks like my vote was not valid... I will also be giving an eulogy on Tuesday so there's that. When I got back home I heard voices through our front door and looked through the peep hole and saw Enrique, Austin and a random guy (friend of Enrique's), they crashed just to hang out and of course we had a great time. Vivianne came by too and she brought me ice cream! She's just the sweetest and I love her so much. Waikit also came by later and the house was swarmed with uninvited people (except for Vivianne), but it felt good. On Friday my grandparents, Tia Yiya, Cristy, my dad and I went to the church where the funeral is going to be held and to also see the crypt where the urn is going to be put at. My mom's urn will be right below Tio Evan, Dorianne's granddad, and right next to my grandparents when their time comes. It brings me happiness to know that my mom will be next to Acun and Apo in a near future and she won't be alone. After looking at the church, El Colegio Javier's church, we went and had Chinese for lunch. After that we drove to La Prensa to post announcements about the funeral, three in total; one from my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins; one from the Kam family, and one from my dad and I. After that, it was a really busy day by the way, we drove to Arrocha to buy frames to put next to the urn on the ceremony. My dad and I have very different views on everything and it's always a struggle with him... I need mom to be on my side too so it'd be 2 to 1. Then my dad and I went to PriceSmart but he forgot his membership card so we finally came back home. For dinner Rod and I went out, I missed him so much. He's so much thinner and he always knows how to make me laugh. He took me to Lenos and Carbon and we had a lovely dinner. On Saturday dad and I went to deal with cellphone, internet and TV errands. We increased our internet to 4 MB! Finally I'll have faster internet <3 we also changed TV to the most basic package and cancel the telephone all together. Then we had lunch with the whole family. We then went to PriceSmart and boy was it a mistake... it was so freaking packed. We bought the randomest stuff and did the longest line for checkout. Then at home we relaxed. Oh, I also had my first dream with mom. It was the weirdest though, we were at an airport's security line and I place my bag in the conveyer belt, when it came out the security lady gave me a to go box with mash potatoes, french fries and a several layered burger from Burger King. We walked to a random room and I opened my backpack to find two trays from Burger King with crumbles on them, somehow I knew my mom had taken them and I got mad at her because it made my backpack get dirty and I yelled at her. She and my dad when to their room and after thinking about what I did I felt guilty and went to their room. I jumped on top of her and roll to her side and just hugged her, no words needed and somehow I knew everything was alright.

Sunday was such a busy day. I woke up at 8:15 in the morning after having my second dream with mom in a row. The part where mom appeared was when I was in a car and she was in another one with a couple of friends and she started convulsing while driving and I got really scared and called my friend really worried because I could see her convulsing in the car but she told me everything was alright but I knew it wasn't and after that I don't remember a thing. Anyways, it took me less than 10 minutes to drive from my house to Punta Pacifica to pick Patty. She wasn't eve up when I got there so I had to wait for a long time, then we went to Apo's to pick up Cristy but the streets were cluttered with this new bicycle way they separate in the middle of the street for cyclist to cycle freely so we had to drive a long long way to then make a U turn and get to Apo's. We started the cleaning. We successfully clean the five closets on the hallway, the dinning table and its chairs, the kitchen dinner, and separated what we wanted from mom's closet. We had both lunch and dinner in my newly cleaned kitchen table. Tio Ricky from a floor below had asked me and my dad to come down and have dinner with them, I had already told my dad that I was not going to go and that he had to go because he was not even helping with the cleaning. He went there and then called me from down there telling me to come down making me look like a jerk to them... I got so mad at him... I don't want to see anybody unless they are close to me. I don't want them to pity me, to judge me, or to think I'm in the negation state just because I don't look unhappy. I just want to be with my family and close friends. Why can't I have a more comprehensive father?...