Friday, March 9, 2012

Today, I came across this article on The Great Fitness
Experiment about the uproar surrounding Crystal Renn and her recent weightloss. For those who don’t know who
Crystal Renn is: Ms. Renn spent years battling anorexia while working
as what is called a straight size model but it was not until after she dealt
with her food and body issues, gained herself some curves and began a new
career as a plus size model that she became truly famous. She was applauded for overcoming her eating
disorder but also for being an example of how beauty doesn’t have weight
restrictions. Putting on a few pounds
did not make her any less beautiful, in fact (as the author in the blog post I
linked to above notes) Ms. Renn would be gorgeous at any size.

However, now she has gone and done something that has upset
many of her fans. She has lost weight
and is no longer working as a plus size model.
She is facing a backlash not only from everyday fans but also from
former employers. Despite her accounts of a healthy lifestyle and diet, she has
been accused of crash dieting, starving herself and relapsing back into
anorexia. There are those who have said
they feel let down by her weight loss and many feel she shouldn’t have tried to
lose the weight at all.

The world response to Crystal Renn’s weight loss has played out
publicly across the internet as an amplified version of what goes on inside the
minds of nearly every woman in America. You
would have to be living beneath a rock the size of a semi to not be aware that
of the fact that we are a nation of women who are dissatisfied with our
bodies. Despite the good intentions of
our parents who hopefully did their best to raise us with some sense of self
esteem, we still look in the mirror and find that our eyes go directly to our
flaws and that voice in our heads starts to catalogue everything we wish we
could change. We compare ourselves to an
unattainable physical ideal and find ourselves lacking. And now, as if it isn’t bad enough that we
have to deal with our own inner struggles with body image, we’ve taken that
struggle into the public sphere and it has shown itself to be as ugly on the
outside as it is inside our own minds.

We have all seen
pictures of this or that celebrity in a bikini on a beach somewhere with
a caption about how they have let themselves go, usually with a primary colored
arrow pointing the offending body part; the pot belly, cellulite thighs or
jiggly upper arms (message: we hate you
for being fat). We have the People
of Wal-Mart videos that have played out across the web displaying image after
image of those who not only don’t fit the ideal physically but who also have
the bad luck to not fit the middle class ideal of appearance either (message:
we hate you for being fat and we hate you even more for being fat AND
poor). I am sure that nearly every
one out there has seen the Marilyn meme with the skinny girl in a bathing suit
juxtaposed against the picture of the more curvaceous Marilyn Monroe (message: oh by the way, we hate you for
being skinny too).

So now the circle is complete, not only are we hating
ourselves for not being able to live up to that impossible standard, we hate
everyone else for it too!

I have struggled with my own issues about my physical self
image. I hit six feet tall somewhere
around seventh grade and spent the next ten years feeling like a towering giant
in a world of cute and adorable short people.
Until my late 20s my weight averaged somewhere around 140 pounds which,
at six feet tall, I felt gave me the appearance of a walking bean pole full of
elbows and knees. I would hide beneath
bulky sweaters and layers of flowing skirts so I could give the illusion of
having some sort of body mass. For a
brief time during my early 30s I started to feel a bit better about things and
lost the heavy sweaters and skirts.
Everyone was incredibly supportive telling me I looked good and wow, why
had I kept myself hidden all this time? All of which might seem great except
that one day I realized that unless someone was actively telling me I looked
great, I still felt pretty lousy about my appearance.

I’d like to say that at some point I just got angry or fed
up or just plain tired of it all, but that wasn’t it. I confess that I feel a bit of shallow when I
admit that it was sometime around 35 that I had the realization that it didn’t
matter if I was thin, or tall, or was a red head or a blond, or if anyone told
me I was beautiful or ugly, the fact was that whatever I might look like now,
soon I’d be on the edge of the ultimate beauty sin. The sin that no woman can avoid…I’d get old. In a culture that values youth even more that
it values beauty, if I didn’t find some other way to feel good about myself I’d
be spending the second half of my life unhappy.
Whatever my motivation though, I finally did take a look inside myself
and found things that I valued far more than my physical appearance and cliché as
it may sound, when I began to find things other than my appearance to feel good
about, I began to feel better about myself inside and out.

Now, when I look back at pictures of myself from years ago,
like the one shown here; yes, that tall, slender and attractive young woman chowing
down on pizza in the public square is me about ten years ago (if you are
wondering about the head to toe pink I was waiting to march in the annual gay
pride parade). I look at her and I
wonder how in the world could I have thought of myself as ugly or unattractive? When
I looked at that body then I didn’t see pretty, I saw knobby knees and fingers
that resembled spider legs. I saw a nose
that was too big and ears that stuck out too much. I saw eyes that weren’t quite green enough
and breasts that had never, since the beginning of their existence, been
considered perky without the assistance of underwired women’s undergarments. I saw these things because, like every other
woman in America I was raised to see only those things that I saw as my
imperfections.

But you see that’s kind of the point of all of this. I don’t
think the furor over Crystal Renn’s weight loss is about whether or not we have
a ‘realistic’ image of beauty outside of ourselves because whether the models
we see in magazines or on the runway are thin, curvaceous, flat chested, well endowed,
tall or thin what matters in the end is how we feel about ourselves. When we
see a woman like Ms. Renn who seems completely comfortable with her appearance
despite not fitting into the norm who then goes and changes herself, we worry
that maybe she wasn’t as happy as we thought and we begin to be afraid that we
may never find that place within ourselves.

Pictures of out of
shape movie stars, stick thin beach bunnies, overweight customers in a department
store or angry and snarky remarks about a woman who might have just decided
that she wanted to get a little more in shape are not going to help us feel
better about ourselves. They are nothing more than distractions. We have to stop buying into whatever the
current standard of beauty is because it does change constantly, and perhaps most
of all we have to stop berating people for being whatever body shape they have because
until we do we will never stop berating ourselves.

We are not born thinking we are ugly, it is something we
learn. If we are ever going to raise a
generation of women who don’t struggle with how they feel about their physical
appearance we have to lead by example and learn to value ourselves, and everyone
else, for who we are. Period.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Since the first of the year I've not been at all good about keeping up with my promise of two blog posts per week. I have been particularly busy and I've been managing some health issues (which are improving steadily) but at the same time I also seem to have lost a bit of my discipline when it comes to daily writing.

Prior to two months ago my habit was to wake up, make coffee and plop myself down in front my laptop to write for 30 minutes. I did this pretty much daily from Monday to Friday. When I kept up with it regularly I very easily churned out a blog post nearly every two days. Now not all of them were posted to Spinster Jane mind you, but they did at least come into being.

The past few months I've woken up, made coffee and then taken a world wide web tour of new articles, Facebook memes and YouTube videos. You would think this daily cyber jaunt would give me plenty of material for writing, and you'd be right. The issue isn't that there is not a plethora of topics to choose from, no the real reason is...

I've allowed myself to slack. I've been engaging in multiple acts of slackishness. I have jumped off the tower of discipline and into the pool of deep slack. "I'll do it tomorrow," has become my writing catch phrase.

Sooooo, here we go folks. I am taking the first step to dealing with the issue and that is to admit that I have a slack problem.

I've no idea what the second step is, but you know something? I think I'm going to worry about that tomorrow.

Jane is...

….artist, writer, dancer, poet, teacher and dedicated over achiever. I am currently living in a small Maine city with my cat and four roommates. I'm basically happy, but not yet content. This is my life...