Serve Warm

How to give constructive criticism to your children.

As parents we have a sacred obligation to be teachers and guides for our children… to teach them right from wrong, to train them to conduct themselves properly, to show them the light.

It is not in our children's best interest -- nor is it in our own best interest -- to become their friends. That is, we should be friendly, but we do them no favor if we allow them to do as they please. At times, it is grueling being a parent and having to guide a child who doesn't particularly want direction. It's much easier in the short term to allow misdeeds to go unnoticed. But in the long term, you face an increased risk of raising unruly children whose moral compass may be underdeveloped.

It is of utmost importance to give clear guidelines and direction to your children. Setting limits for your children and establishing boundaries are crucial for the success of your children -- at home and in school. Having a set of house rules and expectations for appropriate behavior, dress, and language are all critical parts of the mission statement of any family, subjects that will be addressed in later columns.

And while it is true that our children will learn more from what we do than from what we say, guidance in the form of constructive criticism is an integral component of parenting.

Our challenge is to couch the criticism in a constructive way so that:

1) Our children internalize the important messages that we wish to convey to them.

2) The end result is improvement and a desire to grow, not increased friction and tension that may harm our relationship with our beloved children.

If you have a message to deliver, make sure that the message is delivered calmly and, most importantly, with love.

There is a famous expression, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." And although revenge is forbidden by our Torah, I'd like to paraphrase that idiom and say, "Criticism is a dish best served warm."

If you have a message to deliver, make sure that the message is delivered calmly and, most importantly, with love. If you cannot do that, then wait until you can. If your child feels that you're just venting your anger and that you are disgusted with him or her, then no matter how articulate you are, what comes across instead is: "Mommy or Daddy doesn't like me."

It's very important that the message does not get blurred by the static of anger. And, of course, this is very difficult to do when there's a tumult and emotions are flying high. That is when it is best to delay saying anything.

A POSITIVE VIEW OF YOUR CRITICISM

You, as the parent, need to have a positive view of your guidance, since your viewpoint is subconsciously communicated to your children. Think of constructive criticism as a gift that you are giving your child. But bear in mind that it will be in all likelihood an unwanted gift -- at least temporarily -- because few people take pleasure in listening to criticism. Your goal, therefore, is to deliver this gift in such a way that it is accepted, even if it is not appreciated at that time.

Although they are small, children still have feelings just as we adults do. And just as we would be, they are hurt if we present our criticism in a non-constructive manner. Therefore, make sure that your gift of rebuke -- even if less than pleasant -- is delivered in a positive manner.

Sometimes, delayed criticism is more effective, but it takes a lot of self-discipline not to give into a knee-jerk reaction. When we see something wrong, we feel the urge to respond immediately. And without a doubt, it is good to correct wrongful behavior on the spot -- if we can do so in the right way. But there are times when our closeness to the situation is such that we're not in the best position to deal with the problem immediately. In such a situation, it might be wise to say nothing, or to say, "I am upset by what you did, and for this very reason I don't want to discuss it right now. We need to sit down and talk about it, and we'll do it when we have had the time to think calmly about what happened."

AVOIDING HURTFUL LABELS

The Vilna Gaon z'tl says that the best criticism -- the only valid rebuke -- is focused on future improvement. We should not dwell on what happened in the past, but be clear what kind of behavior we would like to see in the future. That's a positive message. "Yesterday you may have done something wrong. Here's what I would like to see from you tomorrow."

Focus on future improvement, and consequences – not punishment.

When disciplining your child, try to frame the discussion in terms of consequences as opposed to punishments. Framing the consequences as logical outcomes of improper behavior makes for less resentment on the part of your child. It will also, in all likelihood, result in long-term improvement.

A consequence can loosely be defined as an outcome of one's poor behavior. There is a direct correlation between the misdeed and its consequence. Your child can learn positive, long-term lessons about avoiding these types of consequences in the future by exhibiting self-control and avoiding the behavior that resulted in the consequence.

A consequence of a child leaving a messy room would be to have him or her clean it up during a time that he or she would rather be out with friends. A punishment would be not allowing him or her to go to the park later in the day after the room has been cleaned. The punishment in this case has nothing to do with the misdeed.

Obviously punishments are in order when misdeeds are done, and there are many types of poor behavior that cannot be presented as consequences. But creatively thinking in terms of outcomes and consequences will hopefully enable your child to grow from the unpleasant experience of being on the receiving end of your rebuke.

Several years ago, I was invited by the owner of a summer camp to conduct a staff-development lecture with his counselors. I addressed several topics - among them the subject of constructive criticism. I began by asking for a volunteer willing to describe the last time he criticized a camper.

It was quiet for a few moments. Then, a very charming young man raised his hand. "I admonished one of my campers today in front of the whole bunk," he proudly stated.

I asked him to describe what happened.

"Well, I caught him going through my things in my cubby. He was reading a private letter of mine. And … you know … I told him what he had to hear."

Before he launched into any further details, I immediately told him that unless he was an angel, I was quite confident that he had not handled this situation well. I explained to him that he was simply too close to the situation. The offense was not something that he'd observed being done to someone else -- it had been perpetrated against him personally. And he didn't have time to carefully formulate a response.

Sure enough, his response had been that he had told his camper -- in the presence of the entire bunk -- "You're a thief, and I'm never going to trust you again." Moreover, he informed the child, "I'm going to tell your teacher about this."

I was quiet for a moment. Then, I asked him, "Can you think of a time when an adult-figure in your life called you a less-than-flattering name? What was the label that the person gave you? What do you think that person was trying to convey to you? And finally, how effective was his criticism?"

The young man related how he had been admonished for his (admittedly) inappropriate dress on a school day, and how a member of the faculty used a label with negative connotations when delivering the criticism. Of course, he shared with his peers that the rebuke was ineffective, and upon reflection, he mentioned that he was clearly resentful that he had been given an insulting label.

I suggested to the camp counselor that instead of calling the boy a thief, another way to handle the incident would have been to say to him -- privately, without humiliating him in front of his peers -- "You're a nice kid, and I'm very disappointed that a boy like you would invade my privacy and take something belonging to me."

When giving criticism to our children, it is important to offer them an opportunity to make amends, to right the wrong. It is important to tell our children what they did wrong, but it is equally important to tell them how they may make it right.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam in Monsey and the director of the Agudath Israel''s Project Y.E.S. (Youth Educational Services). For over 25 years, he has specialized in reaching out to marginalized Jewish youth and assisting their parents in nurturing their potential. His results have been significant and some former students have admitted "this rabbi saved my life". He recently published Living & Parenting: A Down-to-Earth Guide, his first book with ArtScroll Mesorah Publications, which features some of his best, most pragmatic solutions for helping all of today''s Jewish youth – mainstream and at-risk – maximize their potential.

Visitor Comments: 9

Thank you so much for this article! Letting the consequence flow naturally as much as possible teaches cause and effect, and as much as possible keeps the parent from becoming the big bad guy.

(8)
Anonymous,
July 15, 2008 2:39 PM

Every Yid Is A Diamond

Every Yid is a diamond and a diamond has to be polished with a soft cloth not a rough brush.

(7)
Sandra Hepner,
June 23, 2008 11:23 PM

Timely and good message..

Thank you for your excellent article,

I think I play the blame game sometimes, and now I know there is another way to deal with family issues..

very good article in my opinion...

(6)
Kelly Woo,
June 23, 2008 4:53 PM

Thanks for the great article.....

I am going to print it out so that my husband can read this as well. Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, so much is at stake and I really don''t want to mess up.

(5)
MESA,
June 23, 2008 12:09 PM

I was a counselor in camp, and I always had amazing campers, but some did misbehave, and sometimes I had to give them talking-tos. Twice, I did so in private, firmly, and the kids responded by behaving like the amazing campers I knew them to be.

I also found that just approaching the campers with the attitude of "my campers are the best" made a huge difference. I had campers who had had bad experiences before, but they didn't know what to make of a counselor (me) who thought they were good campers and didn't dislike them on sight. I think it shocked them so much that they forgot to misbehave and instead became the amazing campers that they really were.

This is advice every parent, teacher, counselor, and youth leader should read. Thank you.

(4)
Sandy Aron,
June 23, 2008 10:46 AM

Do as you preach

"Before he launched into any further details, I immediately told him that unless he was an angel, I was quite confident that he had not handled this situation well." Isn't this the very behavior you are talking against? Critisized in public, in front of his peers, talking about what he did wrong instead of a way he could improve for the future? I would think that a "Haim Ginot" approach would have been closer to what you are describing should be done.

(3)
Tammy,
June 22, 2008 5:06 PM

Criticism

My Dad was thee most critical person I have ever known. Nothing was ever good enough for him and I grew believing I was a total failure and couldn't handel anything. This has effected me for my entire life. I am now 50 years old. I have with the help of G-d been able to work through some of my fears and insecurities and my prayer is for a total healing some day. My Dad has been dead for nearly 4 yrs. now and I have issues with him that I cannot seem to resolve. One moment he would be critizing and insulting me and the next moment he would be telling me how much he loved me. I never felt good enough and have to really fight it off sometimes even now. You don't know what a nerve you hit with this article. Dad's be careful how you treat and respond to your son's and daughter's. It will come back to bite you in the long run otherwise.

(2)
ruth housman,
June 22, 2008 12:57 PM

to teach is not necessarily to criticize

this is a sensitive article and I am not critical of the message within. I just want to reframe, somewhat. Some adults, as parents, feel that criticism is somehow the way we teach others. Actually, criticism, as you have so ably pointed out, can be corrosive and the result can be to shame, to foster feelings of resentment, and actually to block the learning that is fueling what is seen as wrong or in need of change in another's behavior.

I don't think we need to think of criticism as such if we are talking about positivity in effecting change. We do this with role models, we also do this in speaking with sensitivity to our children and in being very careful about how we present what we see as hurtful or harmful to them or others in what they had said or done. A sensitive parent knows how to do this. Perhaps those who have trouble doing these things are carrying their own baggage with them, as pointed out in the piece about the man who shamed a child in front of others. This was cruel and not productive. But somehow he took out something in his past forward in a destructive manner.

So the message in this piece is so right. I would like to add, be a teacher and remember how you learned and surely not by being dishonored. Praise and love with a light dose of salt is the best teacher. Remember sensitivity. It's the key.

(1)
ivette,
June 22, 2008 9:39 AM

from mexico

It help me so much! I have 4 sons , the youngest is 16, I recognize have made many mistakes ,and I exorcise changing the way a talk to them, never is late to impove your ways. thanks a lot!!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...