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Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:51 pm

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:01 pm

I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you.""No problem." I smiled.He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."

I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:11 pm

Noticing a fat couple kissing, my girlfriend said, have you ever been out with a fat girl before?"No you're the first" probably wasn't the best response.

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:17 pm

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 20, 2012 11:19 pm

Thanks Delboy and EPA4368.

Re: Jokes

Tue Oct 23, 2012 5:44 pm

Newcastle United Manager Alan Pardew has told his players to forget all about the club's new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com. He's told them to just get out on the pitch and give it 4107%.

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 27, 2012 4:29 pm

So Del boy you and I both love sickapedia.com

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 27, 2012 5:23 pm

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

----------Married life is full of excitement and frustration:* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

-----------Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

-----------Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere

-----------A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

-----------Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!

The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.

How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn off the light!

----------As supposedly reported on CNN:

Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).

The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.

The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The Law Won"

----------The wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenientThe wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

---------The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 27, 2012 8:44 pm

CONFEDERATELVIS wrote:So Del boy you and I both love sickapedia.com

Yep. Keep it quiet though in case the politically correct segment of the FECC membership have us kicked out.

Re: Jokes

Sat Oct 27, 2012 8:52 pm

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

------A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.

'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'

-------A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife says, "I'll get it" and wraps a towel around her. She opens the door and sees that it's her nextdoor neighbor. The neighbor notices that she's in her towel and says, "Damn your fine! I'll give you $500 right now if you'll open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours" She says, "$500? Right now?" He says, "Yeah right now." She agrees and opens her towel and lets him get a real good look. He hands her the $500 and goes back home. She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who was at the door and she says that it was the nextdoor neighbor. He said, "Cool! Did he have my 500 bucks?"

------I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.""What is she doing?", the pal asks."Waiting for me to get home."

------A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind to go in and check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Re: Jokes

Fri Nov 09, 2012 2:45 pm

I planned on making an authentic curry using natural ingredients from scratch. I went to the supermarket to get the ingredients and got them all including al of the natural spices. The only thing I couldn't find was the butter type ingredient that authentic curries are cooked in. I looked everywhere and asked everyone but no one knew what it was. I was offered Olive Oil, Butter, Canola Oil, Vegetable Oil you name it but no one knew what it was called. Just when I was about to give up Lionel Ritchie walked up to me and said "Hello. Is it ghee you're looking for?"

I'm here all week.

Re: Jokes

Sat Nov 10, 2012 6:36 pm

A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"

-------A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

--------A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

--------A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

-----One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Re: Jokes

Sat Nov 17, 2012 6:26 pm

A women was at the Doctors. The Doctor said "what's the problem"? She said "I'm terribly worried; I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina". After examining her, the Doctor said "you have nothing to worry about. Those aren't postage stamps, they're banana stickers"!

Re: Jokes

Fri Nov 30, 2012 2:48 pm

deleted

Re: Jokes

Mon Dec 17, 2012 5:27 pm

Now on sale in IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a women its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary.

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. bound to end in tears though - she's rubbish at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. I love my new Taser!

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bxxxxxxs desereved it!

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunatly, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

Re: Jokes

Mon Dec 17, 2012 7:26 pm

Good stuff Chris. Keep the FECC comedy fire burning.

Re: Jokes

Tue Dec 18, 2012 8:22 pm

Thanks Dellboy, here's a couple more.

Son; "Dad we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating." Dad; "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound to end up in one."

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor phones and says "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes."Paddy says, "Nice one, when do i fight him?"

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on dvd. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well bugger me, that's when it all kicked off!

Re: Jokes

Wed Dec 19, 2012 1:05 pm

The wife brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as your c*ck when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass........"

Re: Jokes

Fri Feb 01, 2013 6:26 pm

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies 2 calves 1 ass 1 beaver A bunch of hares and a fish that no one can find....

David Beckham has vowed to donate his entire salary from his move to French side Paris St Germain to help the starving and malnourished. Victoria is said to be delighted.

I told my wife this morning I was coming down with a cold and that I felt terrible. She said a good suck and lick should help me get up and running...I didn't know what she meant, now my tongue hurts and my breath smells like fish.

"G'day mate, fosters helpline, whats the problem dude" "im in Australia With the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up"...."bummer dude"...."thanks mate, bye"

Re: Jokes

Wed Aug 21, 2013 3:12 am

I heard a rumour that Cadbury are developing an oriental themed chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

Re: Jokes

Wed Aug 21, 2013 9:15 am

Delboy wrote:I heard a rumour that Cadbury are developing an oriental themed chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.