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From Earth to Neptune and Back

Dear Diary.

My life sucks. I walk alone. I eat alone. I take my meds alone. And even after my childhood has ended, I swear I still play with imaginary friends. Then there’s my crazy parents. But why? Why am I not normal? Thanks to mom’s crazy gene pool. I have to blame it on mom’s gene pool because her sister has it too. I remember my aunt shaved her head before Brittney Spears did. And wore wigs as if it was cool. Well thanks mom because my doctor likes to call me a schizoaffective disorder patient now! So generic sounding. Ugh. Something to add to my list of skills. So anyway, today’s another boring day of summer before the fall semester starts. And I don’t even want to think of school or else I’ll have an anxiety attack. If I can just exchange heads with Connie Jo Martin then maybe I’ll be better off. A little prettier, popular, taller, and an A student. But then again, I wouldn’t want to be a total spoiled brat with a bad attitude. She used to always pick on me so much last year. I pray to the Chronicles of Narnia Lion that she leaves me alone. She is so annoying. I am so terrified of this girl. She makes fun of me all the time. I am tired of it. When will my parents do something about it? I feel like using a megaphone to my parents ears and start yelling “Judy, Cal… mom, dad DO SOMETHING!” But nothing comes of the teacher’s complaints either.

Well I guess I’ll have to deal with the new school year all my lonesome. I get bullied and I am on meds with different parents. How will I manage? Well my one friend Gina thinks I’ll be better off not worrying about such things. She says I should focus on getting A grades and joining clubs and things. I just don’t know why I don’t take such good advice. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? Oh well. I think its because if I am not in the mood to do it then I’m just not going to do it. Besides who wants to join clubs at this stupid school where they bully me. I understand Gina thinks I should try and fit in but it’s so hard! Especially when they keep kicking me in the rear!

Oh no! I’m already running late for the bus. My mom and dad can’t give me a ride at all like never and their excuse is always the same. They’re just too busy and mom can’t drive too much because she’s always doing housework. Ugh. If they knew I have to meet that Connie on the bus to school every morning they wouldn’t object. Or would they?

“Oh look who’s the loser for another school year? Hope you don’t fail P.E. Crista. Actually I hope we’re not in P.E. or else.”

“Shut up Connie. I’m not going fail and neither do I want to have a class with you , your annoying. Leave me alone.”

“I don’t think you get it Crista. You’re going to fail!” Connie takes a piece of paper crumpled it up on the bus and throws it at her. Connie and her friends start laughing.
“Very funny Connie. You’re the loser, you try to put me down to feel better well its not going to work.”

“Not now Connie.” Ty, Connie’s boyfriend says sternly. As if he’s embarrassed of his girlfriend’s bullying behavior and the attention its getting.

“Shut up Ty, I can say and do what I want. I can’t stand Crista. And is so unlike her name, she’s ugly, weird, and awkward.”

“Stop acting like a brat Connie.”

“You better leave me alone or I’ll tell on you.” Tears swell up in Crista’s eyes as she hides her own sadness and debasement.

“Ugh!” Rolls her eyes away from Ty.

I want to find Gina now I am so sad I want to cry. Gina is going to feel so sorry for me. I am crying and I can’t hold back the tears. Oh my god. Gina notices the tears in Crista’s eyes.

“Oh Crista. Not again. Was it Connie?”

“Yeah.” Wipes her tears with her sleeve.

“Let’s go the principal’s office right now I’m so tired of her picking on you”

“No! They won’t do anything..”

“Yes they will , I’ll make sure of it. Come on let’s go, we’ve got fifteen minutes.” Gina yanks Crista’s hand to the direction of the principal’s office.

Knock knock knock!

“Come in the door is open.”

“Hi I’m Gina and this is Crista. We need to speak to the principal regarding something important.”

The secretary was another red taped secretary and she didn’t want to let them in easy without knowing the details of why they were there and for what.

“Ok girls can you tell me why you’re here.”

“Well…” Gina interjects.

“Well, we’d rather keep it confidential.

“I’m sorry girls but you have to disclose why you need to see the principal he is a busy man we can’t let our students see him unless it truly is important.”

Gina is now outraged. And yells out the answer in front of the other staff members in the office to embarrass the secretary. “You know what the reason is. My friend Crista was just crying over here she is tired of being bullied by another student named Connie Jo Martin. As if her name isn’t villain-like enough she taunted her on the way to school this morning. It’s going on since she was a Freshmen and she is sick and tired of it. And so am I! Now can I speak to the principal?”

“Yes, yes, just sign here.” The secretary is embarrassed and looks away in shame as she takes the clipboard and signature from Crista’s hand.

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5 thoughts on “From Earth to Neptune and Back”

I had to stop reading after the first few paragraphs, nothing hooked me in. Is this the first diary entry for this character? It seems like such an all encompassing exposition dump that normally be parsed out between multiple entries. Also, I couldn’t get passed the character’s whining: everything seems to be everybody else’s fault and the main character is looking for easy outs. Let us into their mindset, the individual thoughts, the multiple feelings they have about a particular situation. Overloading the reader with everything wrong made me tune out- I also want to hear about the light at the end of the tunnel.

The voice is really strong and I’m curious where this goes and develops in terms of the genre. I also really love your title.

Well first off thanks for leaving me a free critique. The reason that she is whiny is because of her bipolar disorder. People with this disease tend to deprecate and depress themselves as a symptoms. But I sense that is overload thanks. She starts off as a sad character to a happier one. But maybe I should leave a foreshadow of that too. It develops into a sci-fi fantasy.

I wasn’t sure when the diary entry ended and when the action began. I agree with the previous comment that I found her whiny, and even though depression is reality, you have to write the character so that readers enjoy them. Bi-polar, ever changing moods that are up and down and as a person who was once diagnosed, I don’t think whiny fits the profile. She can be reckless, crazy, and wild then after her high comes down blue- not perpetually lonely- not always, but if that is how you want the character to come off, that’s all on you. I’m just saying it doesn’t have to be like that. People with mental disorders aren’t always loners on the outside looking in, sometimes they are drawn to others like them. The most beautiful example of a bipolar character I have seen is Silver from 90210- I thought they caught the disorder straight on. Okay, enough about that. The title of the book leads me to believe it’s a fantasy/science fiction book, but it doesn’t come off of it so far If it is, My suggestion is to not start with a diary entry- not a captivating opening. And begin with the action let us get to know the character through the book. I always take a step back, decide what you want to convey in the book, and make sure I give the readers what they want- which is important in the first few chapters.

I don’t usually read Y.A. Fantasy but thought I’d give it a go. First off, I liked the diary idea. I could visualize a young adult writing this way. So good job. I think the diary goes on too long and becomes monotonous.. Instead of …”Oh no! I’m already running late for the bus. writing , why don’t you have her Mother yell at her. ”

And then you lost, me. Is she still writing in her diary, talking to herself or did she go to school? Good luck with your novel.

Thanks she goes off to school and gets picked on. I should have stated something like the day of or something. But I decided to start off the chapter with her giving information about her disorder either on the bus in her head or by her conversation with her parents that way I don’t have to do a boring diary entry. That’ll be better. I’ll try to bring in foreshadowing themes of her adventures to comes its kind of linked to school so I can’t put that in yet. Thanks guys!