Led Zeppelin IV: A Sex Diary

Led Zeppelin’s iconic fourth record is quite possibly the biggest, meanest, sexiest rock album of all time. So I fucked to it. Get ready. It’s Led Zeppelin IV, a sex diary.

Black Dog
You know what this means: doggy style. And by that, I mean there’s a lot of yelping and barking on my part. I’m confused, on all fours, being told repeatedly to behave myself, and being beaten with a rolled up newspaper for urinating everywhere. Yeah, I know what sex is all about.

Rock and Roll
What a raucous experience. The sensations I’m feeling are just too real. I’m an eagle right now, and my love partner and I are contorting into shapes previously unimaginable. Somewhere in the far reaches of the soundscape, someone cries out! Pure pleasure.

Battle of Evermore
It’s an all out war. A sex war, that is. A war of passion; a war of intimacy. She’s beating me senseless. I’m not sure this person has the best of intentions for me, and I contemplate escaping many times.

Stairway to Heaven
The opening chords wash over us as the climax approaches. Every Celtic-tinged note on every woodwind is a gentle whisper in my ear: “Cuuuuuum…” I feel the soft breaths of the flautists tickle my earlobes as the frenzy picks up, and everything goes blank. Until, of course, the guitar solo rams its way into view, and suddenly I am struck, as if by lightning, by a blinding clarity. Everything that ever was, and will be dances before me in A-minor pentatonic. Oh yeah, Jimmy. Play us on, man.

In the golden afterglow, I catch my breath. After a few minutes of laying feebly in bed, struggling to overcome my powerlessness to the cosmic forces at work, I hobble over to turn over the record, and realize that I had forgotten to put the needle down in the first place. We were just that into it. Also, I’m on a lot of drugs. I’ve soiled myself multiple times. Side Two.

Misty Mountain Hop
Oh, those climbing vocal harmonies. They reach ever skyward, and wrap me in an ecstasy so all-consuming, so ubiquitous, that I momentarily forget how to breathe. An ambulance is called, and inevitably, upon seeing the state of our room, the police get involved. The results of the investigation are pending. Every note is a new feeling, every feeling a new experience.

Four Sticks
I mean, do I even have to?

Going to California
Things begin to wind down as chiming guitar strings waltz their way into view. The energy in the room is mesmerizing. I fall into a half-slumber, contemplating the legal trouble awaiting me in a few hours, and the fact that an entire team of investigators is still in the room with us. Someone told me there’s a girl out there with love in her eyes and a flower in her hair. And by flower I mean vagina. Which I’m fucking. Yeaaaaaaaah.

When The Levee Breaks
As possibly the most famous drum beat of all time resounds through the air, we attempt to continue slow and steady lovemaking while we are forcibly hauled off by multiple police officers. When the levee breaks, got no place to stay.