Carolyn Hax: Readers give advice

Carolyn Hax

March 6, 2014 12:01 AM

Carolyn Hax

March 6, 2014 12:01 AM

While I'm away, readers give the advice.

On "overbooked" member and other obstacles to family togetherness: I am one of four, and our tradition was to gather to open gifts on Christmas Eve. As we began to marry, we continued the tradition. With children/grandchildren added, it eventually became a physical burden for my parents to host a houseful, but we ignored that fact and continued.

The one sibling who had no children ultimately bowed out, and the remaining sibs were smug about this outrageous behavior. (How could he do this to our parents?) Never mind that he and wife always planned a time to host our parents in their home and exchange gifts, independently.

My husband, two children and I "did" Christmas Eve with my parents, spent a short time with each other Christmas morning, then went to the in-laws' for dinner. It occurred to me, too late, that my husband and I never established traditions with our own children. At the same time, I realized I was jealous of the brother who dared to go his own way many years ago.

In our 60s and 70s now, we siblings rarely get together. When we do, it seems forced. We're not estranged, it's just that we have little in common. All the early "togetherness" did not generate close family ties.

Annual events -- holidays, anniversaries, birthdays -- need not be rubber-stamped year after year. Enjoy the enjoyable, be civil, and don't fake "togetherness" to the point of resentment. -- Wish I'd Done it Differently

On explaining death to children: When my mother was young, she was extremely concerned about dying and repeatedly asked her mother (my grandmother) about it. Eventually, Grandmother turned to her and said, "Look, do you remember what it was like before you were born?" My mother said, "No."

"Well," said my grandmother, "That's what it will be like when you die." I was in my late 50s when Mother told me this. It continues to be comforting. -- E.

On providing real help to a family member: My family visited my parents recently. My spouse and I are having serious difficulties and are working on that. My parents aren't oblivious, but instead of volunteering unhelpful advice ("She's such a shrew," "He's such a (jerk)"), my mom took me aside and said, "We're here for all of you. Whatever happens, you're all good people and we will help as much as we can."

I don't know what the future holds, but that sort of quiet support is priceless. -- Anonymous

E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon every Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.