12.28.2007

this year is finally coming to an end and it's been a tough one. as typical in this household. but - it has been a year of growth - both physically and emotionally. it has been a year of change. i've become stronger in some ways, weaker in others. i've become cold. not by accident, but by choice. i have had to shut people out. in doing so - i have learned to find my own happiness. i've learned to find what works for MY family.. meaning the 3 of us. that's growth. and that's HUGE for me. i've learned to walk away. but the only thing i haven't learned and don't think i ever will - is why all of that change that has been good for me - hurts so darn bad?

i've made some new "friends" and lost them just as quickly. it's all a matter of learning where to fit in and going with your gut instinct and just not trying so hard. i've never tried to fit in until i became an adult... and i've quickly learned - it's quite stupid to try. if you can't be accepted for face value - then those folks aren't worthy of your friendship to begin with. i've learned - it's ok to be alone sometimes. my best friend is really all i will ever need - even though she is 1000 miles away - it's ok. she's here - everyday - no matter what is in my bank account - no matter how i look - she knows all my secrets and loves me just the same. endlessly.

i'm looking forward to this year with a fervor. i will be my scary age for this decade come may...35.. and it scares me but i have to admit, i'm a little excited for it too. excited for a year (hopefully) of no hospital stays, no surgeries, no major illness discovered. it's been a long 5 years in that department and i'm SO ready for it to be done.

i am meeting with a weight loss doctor on the 3rd. i've never had "issues" with weight. never been a "dieter"... but in the last 12 months - my weight has REALLY become an issue. i know i can control it and lose it. i just have finally realized i can't do it alone or unsupervised. it's beginning to cause some health problems and that is NOT a matter to be taken lightly. i know medication has a BIG affect on it all - but i am to blame as well for living a sedentary lifestyle. it ends this year.

i think there will be several big changes on the horizon for me. perhaps a new job? perhaps a comfortable, stress free financial future? all things are 100% in my own hands. i have to make it all happen. so - join me on the journey and see what's to come in the future. i'm REAL tired of going back through my journal entries and reading the saddening, bitter rants i'm so accustomed to. it's time for change.

12.17.2007

i got a phone call this morning. it wasn't good. not on a monday - certainly not during the holidays. not on any day - for any matter. i lost a dear, sweet friend, mentor, colleague and boss this weekend. he always burned the candle at both ends. was on the road 100% of the time. he suffered from a massive heart attack in the minneapolis airport this weekend. he was a person you felt PRIVLEDGED to know. THAT kind of person. he told the best stories. had the kindest heart and the warmest hugs ever. he hired me five years ago into this company. he took a chance on me. he stood up for me when others tried to knock me down. he is responsible for where my life is at today with my career. i hope i can return the favor by doing him proud in my work. he will be missed by many - but for now - my heart is saddened by this loss. i'll miss you - chris. it's just not right - fair - or justified. but i know that someone obviously has a bigger and better plan for you. and if i know you like i think i do, you waited for the plane to land and deplane before you suffered from your massive heart attack - because in true christopher form - you wouldn't have wanted to inconvenience anyone. much love to you and yours. my heart hurts already knowing you're not here.

12.16.2007

to sum it up - this weeked rocked. all the way around. from the kid to the husband - it rocked. we started and ended the weekend AND i got to sleep in today - completely unplanned - which makes it all more the better. i don't remember a day i slept in until 11:30am.. it was glorious. you see - i've ALWAYS been a late sleeper - this was something motherhood robbed me of.. though my girl still sleeps to at least 8am.. so it's not SO bad.

she's now of the mindset - after yesterday's crafty affairs - "i wanna go play in your office. please momma - office? umm NOW! can we pretty please go in your office?" she's hooked. so i think she will have a permanent work station at the end of my desk. it's big enough - and i love just being in here with her. we downloaded The Polar Express soundtrack yesterday - now she BEGS for it. she LOVES the opening song... chair dances to it and everything. too cute.

so - today - my sitter's daughter came over and I offered "creative advise" as she played and crafted in my studio some gifts for her grandmothers. she had asked if i would help her come up with an idea. i gave her some mags. she found something she liked. we did it. SHE did it. she said to me today:

her: shelley - are there like professional scrapbookers?

me: oh yes! someday - perhaps I will be one...

her: i think i want to do this for a living when i grow up.

me: start now girl - you don't need to wait till you grow up...

then I told her about Brittany Laakonnen, Mitch Kraft.. she was amazed! i love how my passion has rubbed off on her. and she gets SO excited. she walked into the studio and said - "WOW. look at all this - you have EVERYTHING!" made my heart warm. she's such an awesome kid. so while i'd love to show you here face - since she's so stinkin cute - i won't because well - she's not my kid and that's just not polite - instead - i took a pic of her end result with the mag right beside it. i think she rocked it. everything was made with basically scraps and the little frames we got at dollar tree for her b-day projects.

the rest of the blog candy are projects i've been working on for my mum... she will LOVE everything. i just know it. she's my #1 biggest fan! tells her friends i'm a famous scrapbooker.. haha - famous - been pubbed once. if she only knew.

oh yes - and a pic of the Man in the Big Red Suit... she was SO good. got right up there. jumped up there in fact. and just giggled. she was so funny. whispered to him.. "i want a teeny tiny RED present with a puppy in it..." santa looked at me and i was quick to tell him a STUFFED puppy... then she told him, "happy holidays, santa! bye bye!"

does my kid rock or does she rock?

peace people. have a wonderful full week before christmas. slow down, enjoy it - savor it. make it yours.

12.15.2007

this child rocks my WORLD to the core. seriously. this is how we spent our morning.

she has the most amazing attention span. and is a GREAT conversationalist.

not to mention she is quite the artist.

oh - and did i mention she's only JUST turned 2 and a HALF? I drew the tree - she painted around the lines... without being told how. she's brilliant. or maybe it's just me. i've never known a child her age to have such mad skills.

look at the concentration. yeah - she's getting a rockin art set from Santa this year. i've got a feeling he knows.

back to being crafty. i've been on a roll for days.

going to see the big guy in the RED suit tonight. can't wait! pics to follow!

as she says so well AND in sign language now (thanks Sprout Channel) - HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

12.05.2007

so - sometimes - it's as simple as this. listen to the song "fidelity" by regina spektor. watch the video. poof. inspiration. i mean look at the colors? wow. i was a creating mad-woman last night. stayed up till 2am.. have a scrappy hangover today. but it's all good in the hood. happy humpday.

12.03.2007

...day i've ever known..." one of my fav songs from the smashing pumpkins... but truly - today was really just a great day. my heart is full. i am feeling a sense of falling in love with my husband all over again. the weekend just plain rocked.

started of the weekend with - NO LAUNDRY! because people - I have maintained the piles for an entire WEEK! phew. what a relief. Saturday - I taught a little project to a group of 10 12-13 year olds at the birthday party of my sitter's daughter, anna. this girl is just about the coolest 11 year old i have ever known. she's not only just adorable - but the most polite, proper, thoughtful, appreciative tween i've come across yet. says please and thank you - yes ma'am, no ma'am... unreal. I helped her mom throw a scrappy/stmapy birthday party. helped - meaning - i designed and created her invites, party favor bags, and the project itself. (photos to come later). It was a HIT! The girls LOVED their project and i really think they all had a blast!

and THEN - I came home - and HAPPY MAIL.... 601 GREAT SCRAPBOOK IDEAS HAS ARRIVED PEOPLE!!!! I CRIED! how stupid is that? i mean i actually had tears opening the box! thanks FWPubs - you made my MONTH! what a way to start of the holiday season... a great sense of accomplishment and the words - "honey - i'm really proud of you" coming from the hubby. pure scrappin goodness.

sat. eve we tooled around in the living room - trying to rearrange to accomodate a christmas tree. we've got this long narrow living room - our furniture is too big for it - and it always felt stifled. poor flow - poor energy. well - i think we nailed it. we rearranged - cleaned and LOVE the feel of the room. hubby keeps saying he feels more "at home". it's great. now if we can only agree on a tree. :) we then tooled around looking for a tree. i am *trying* to compromise this year - and we are getting a fake tree. though i can't compromise to the price of the damn things! holy cow! so - needless to say - no tree as of yet!

sunday - was my god daughter's 3rd birthday. she was adorable. so cute and petite... and happy to see us. she LOVED the UGLY DOLL!!!! snuggled right up with it like a pillow... LOVE it. it was great for she and kennedy to play together. they do so well together. they are 6 months apart (kennedy younger) so they have just about everything in common right now. got some great shots of them just being with one another. warmed my heart.

spent the early evening - you guessed it.. looking for a tree. so far we have been to K-Fart, Target, Lowes, Home Depot, Hafners, Christmas Tree Shops, & Michaels. Would you believe.. nothing! BUT - i did manage to get the cutest little nightlight - it's one of those old-fashioned bubbling lights with a little santa hanging off the side. was ADORABLE. Kennedy loved it...

today was day two of the advent calendar... i think she might actually remember to look in it tomorrow for a goody.. however - i am having a hard time buying little treasures that will actually FIT in it... so some goodies will be hangin out... but it looks even cuter than way.

so - this weekend was a down right - just plain good - weekend. full of goodness. full of warmth. and i just hope it carries on.

11.20.2007

doesn't take much to make a girl's shitty attitude do a complete 360. that quick. so my neighbor subscribes to some book club for scrapbookers. She gets a little pamphlet every month for the latest selections. well - most of you know - memory makers 601 great scrapbook ideas was finally released this month. most of you know - it is where i have my one and only layout published. WELL... of the 601 layouts in the book - MINE is in the advertisement from this company for the book itself! Crop Pick of the month at http://www.thescrapbookclubonline.com/ (you can't see it on the site - but if you buy books from this company - you'll see my LO in this months newsletter/pamphlet - the LO is "Will @ 19")is 601 and my LO is shown in full in the AD!!! if that isn't the bees knees... i don't know WHAT is!!! i can't imagine how excited i will be to actually have the BOOK in my hand! my one and only lo ever published - and it's used for advertising the friggin BOOK!!! it's just plain cool. and the best part - my husband told me tonight on his way up to bed - "congrats on that whole deal, honey - i'm very proud of you." and sometimes, that's all it takes to make my heart smile.

11.19.2007

this time of year is always difficult for me. it has been for seventeen years. wow. seventeen years is how old i was when it all changed. my entire dynamic. everything i knew as normal, albeit somewhat dysfunctional - changed. it was my senior year in high school and i was here in syacuse visiting my dad for the holidays. he and my oldest brother had one heck of a blow out on new year's day. my dad died very unexpectedly the very next day. his health was poor, to begin with. but that is what i remember. a fight. and then my life changed. remarkably. even though my parents had been divorced at that point for a little over 10 years and i didn't see my dad often, i loved him. he was in my life. he helped me feel happy. he assured me everything was okay when i felt resentment from my brothers, or when they treatd me poorly. imagine the guilt my oldest brother must carry with him daily. he's an angry person. he always has been, he always will be. he is NOT a part of my life.

i have two brothers. i have lived most of my life thousands of miles away from them. after i got married, i felt a strong pull to be near them. so much so, my husband and i moved back here to be close to my family. as things turn out, i live across the street from one of my brothers. i have seen him once in the last 30 days. i live less than three miles from the other one and his family. i passed them on my street on halloween night and said hello. such a casual hello, you would have thought we were neighbors. not of the same genepool. my daughter does not know this brother, his wife, or their children. she looks at them like they are strangers. i tell this to people, friends, and they think i exxagerate. the truth is - i don't. not for an instant. it's the raw, God's honest truth. and to some - it seems sad. to me - it was.

i've learned something recently. you are given yor family. it's not a choice. however, you can CHOOSE who to BE a part of your family. genetic ties mean nothing. they're just that. genetic ties. i've grown to accept the fact - i will never support my family. they will never understand me. i am no longer going to force my husband to be a part of their lives. i am thankful i am finally old enough to see the truth in these people. the shallow, selfish truth. thankful that, though i share the same genes, i inherited a soul. a heart. compassion. feelings. something my brothers apparently did not get.

i'm thankful that i can mourn my dad, but be happy to know that i loved him - and i can have the courage to remember the happy times in lieu of the sad times... it's all i've got. i'm thankful, that i can love my mom in ways my brothers will never understand. thankful i hurt. thankful i cry. thankful i stand up for what i feel. thankful i have a good marriage to a man i can call my best friend. thankful his family accepts me for who i am, not what i can offer them.

so, this year - for the first time yet - since we've lived here, we have not received even one obligatory invite from my family for the holidays. not a mention as to what are we doing, do we have plans, would we like to join anyone. not a word. and for the first time ever, i am thankful. because i will not be forced to make up an excuse to decline the offer to join in on a store bought dinner in a box. to me - thanksgiving is about being together. family. being thankful. cooking! my most favorite part! tradition. i'm thankful.

we are staying home, once again, just the three of us. and i will still go all out, martha style. complete with the 22 pound turkey i just bought and everything from scratch but the mashed potatoes (i still haven't mastered potatos sans lumps!), homemade stuffing, apple pie, cranberry sauce, bread, sweet potatoes, salad - everything from scratch! i will spend about 12-14 hours total between baking, prepping, cooking, cleaning, enjoying my day. in my little 2x2 kitchen. with just my own lil family. we've invited on of hubby's friends who is having a rough time at home. i will extend the invite to some folks i know go out to eat on thanksgiving. and i will be completely and utterly happy.

so - this day starts the beginning of a tough period for me. i'm a mess right after christmas because of my pops. i miss him. i wish he knew my daughter. God - he would just adore her. so much so i can picture it some days. he would just love my husband. he would be proud. and this is the first year i can honestly say - i think my dad would support my feelings and my decision to stay home and not force the issue with my family. he would be here, with us. and he'd say something to me like... "who's better than you? who needs em!"

i'm thankful. for ron, for kennedy, for my Ma, my best friend joaney and her family, ron's family. i choose all of them. i'm thankful i've grown up enough to realize that it is ok.

11.07.2007

So - I'm on a mission - I'm attempting to become an agent for the Fiskateers. And you know - so far so good! And I realized something - Fiskars is all around me! I've used Fiskars shears and rotary cutters for YEARS - since my Gram always SWORE by "those orange scissors.. you only want to buy the orange ones!" I never even really paid attention - until recently - Heidi Grace papers - Fiskars! Who knew? not me! and I am a HUGE lover of all things HG! I mean - just look at what I made with some new Christmas papers - that by far - are theeee cutest papers EVAH!!!

So - that's really all I've got for today. I am doing plenty of positive self talk - trying to keep a positive attitude and know that each day while I work - is one mroe day closer to being DONE with the 22 projects that have been assigned to me - during the holidays - to be done by January. Yes - I do have super hero powers.

10.31.2007

10.26.2007

WARNING - IF you are offending by my foul language - then don't read further. if you think i'm shit because i don't recycle - really - don't read further. and know i will have another post today - i promise to be uplifting. i just need to get something off my chest....

any reader of my blog - knows - I FIGHT daily for happiness. I usually find it - i have it - it just doesn't come easy. so - then why is it - the world is so f*cking hell bent on pissing me the f@ck off???

there is this asian man. i've named him Mr. Miyagi (he looks like a 100 year old Pat Morita - ok? don't judge me) he rides a bike. all over the friggin county. he collects cans. wait let me rephrase that for you - HE DIGS THROUGH MY F*CKING GARBAGE - WITH NO GLOVES LOOKING FOR CANS!!! he looks homeless - but my guess, he's pullin in about 50K a year digging through shit for cans. he barely speaks english. i have lived here almost three years. i would have figured by now - that when i politely tell him NO CANS! and then scream at him - GET OUT OF MY F*CKING GARBAGE... he'd get a clue. apparently - this is SOOO not the case. i caught him digging TWICE today. TWICE. I told him no - i left - he waited for me to get around the corner - he went back... i ripped down the street like a madwoman and rolled down my window and said "SIR - NO CANS - GET OUT OF MY GARBAGE PLEASE! NO MORE! EVER! GOOOOO!!!!!"

my neighbor tells me i should politely put my cans in a seperate bag and leave them for him. if was going to go through all that trouble - i'd take the damn cans back to the redemption center myself. i know - i should recycle them. don't start bitching at me about that. it's a habit. a BAD one! I can't be bothered with cans.

so stay the f*ck out of my garbage and respect my damn privacy. anyone heard of the sarbanes oxley act?

10.25.2007

an ode to my f%cking habits - a pictorial by shelley may(and I apologize for the crappy post layout... i STILL don't know how to post photos and put them where I want them to show up on the damn post!)

A Habit In Action - without all of these - I'd probably die. Literally.

Good Habit - My kitchen is not big enough to even be called that. I HAVE to be organized in there.

Not-So-Good-Habit - I hate mail. It means money out of my bank. I put off opening it. Until when I finally go through it - I'm left with a trash pile like this. And late notices. And possible disconnect notices. BAD F%CKING HABIT!

Habit to Aspire to - being effortlessly happy - even putting ranch dressing on your lips and pretending it's lipstick. pure happiness - without even trying. friggin LOVE this kid.

Habit Forming - keeping the kitchen who isn't worthy of the name kitchen CLEAN - becuase this - people - this picture above - THIS is all I have of counterspace. To the left of that - big enough spot to hold my dishdrainer and my Kitchen Aide. I have no room for mess.

10.24.2007

...waking up late. it began when ron got laid off. it became a habit. in less than 21 days. i no longer had to get up and take care of kennedy and get her to a sitter on time. i could literally wake up less than 5 minutes before the time i thought i *should* be to work - run into my office less than 10 feet from my bedroom - and poof! i was at work! i have become lazy. unmotivated.

but you know what? i do one thing everyday - without fail. i think of it as my endless trips to the water cooler or coffee pot - if i did work in an office - i read blogs. i am addicted. it's sickening. i'm making friends by blogging. it's worse than my very first night of owning a computer and i discovered chat rooms. i went to work the following day - hung over. without the alcohol. hung over because i chatted away in singles chat rooms until 4:oo in the morning. pitiful single existence i had for a short time in my life. pitiful.

now - i read blogs. i have non-tangible friends. some i am "open" with. some i stalk. but there is one - i won't miss on an everyday basis. and while it sounds like stalker status - it's really not. we email occassionally - on topics i find of interest on her blog - and truly she is a woman i would be honored to call my friend if we really lived closer. and we'd do lunch - and coffee. www.aliedwards.typepad.com she just plain rocks. she lifts me up - she makes me think. she makes me want to be a better friend, wife, mother, artist. she probably thinks i'm a fruitcake. like some crazy groupie fan. but honestly - she's just good people. and i like to surround myself with good people.

so , while most of you head into work, (you know the routine. you get to work, settle in at your desk and then head to the coffee pot, lunch room - where ever people tend to conglomerate in the AM trying to find some steam to push them through the day) - i sit here, hair disheveled, still in my jammies, having just dropped K off at the sitter who lives behind me, checking my email, reading my blogs, making to do lists... trying to find my steam. and Ali's "cubicle" is always the first one i hit. it's coincidence that i have my favs organzied alphabetically and she shows up first - but it's a happy coincidence.

now if she'd only stop by my blog someday.... leave me a comment or two. i'd just totally dig that.

now tomorrow - i want to see how many times i can fit the word habitually into my sentences... hahahaha

10.23.2007

What's your morning routine? a constant mad rush to nowhere fast...What's your bedtime routine? i wish i could sleep - i wish i could sleep - there is NO routine hereWhat's missing from your daily routine? a FRIGGIN ROUTINE IS MISSING!!!What is a habit you're working hard to develop? do you see a trend here? A ROUTINE!!!What is a habit you're working hard to break? lack of motivationAt your favorite restaurant, do you always order the same thing or do you try the special? i like to change it up a bit - but not oftenWhat things do you buy at the grocery store every single time you go? it's almost always the same - salad bags, bananas, apples, carrots - EVERYTIME - soda & juice - EVERYTIME - and then of course milk, bread, waffles, 3 strip steaks...EVERYTIMEWhat would someone close to you say is your most annoying habit? my husband would say my constant glass is half empty philosphy... coworkers would say my glass is half full philosophy, my best friend would say my habitual purchases of paper crafting magazines and then wanting to talk about it with her!!! :)Which outside forces have the biggest impact on your routines? the weather and my depression - i live in upstate NY - the two go hand in hand apparentlyDescribe the person you know who is most driven by habit. my sitter. she has herself, her daughter, and my daughter on such a schedule - it makes perfect sense why my daughter doesn't want to come home half the time!MAN - this was tough. i'm going to bed. i WILL sleep. I WILL make a list and stick to it tomorrow - and my list WILL include me time. I'm mobile. maybe i will just pack up the laptop and go work at starbucks in the AM and Panera in the afternoon!

So - you all know i've been following the inspiring, thought provoking challenges over at www.fancysimple.blogspot.com . Well - this week is about habits. As you know - it only takes 21 days to form one - GOOD or BAD. They've asked us to post a timeline... hopefully none of my colleagues read this.. hehehehe

7:00am - fall out of bed - run to home office - log on to work intranet - begin checking email, etc... take care of "housekeeping" items for work - create to-do list - TRY to get focused on the day. (this NEVER works anymore.)7:30am - run downstairs - make coffee - feed dog - walk in circles a few times trying to figure out what to do next - decide what to make Kennedy for breakfast - riddle myself with guilt because i'm not feeding her 100% organic, unprocessed food... get over the guilt twice as fast - because she eats her damn fruits and vegetables like a motha! so there!!! a frozen waffle never killed anyone!!! walk in a few more circles.. wiping sleep from eyes, oh yes, go to the bathroom, walk in more circles, turn on TV8:00am - the child can SLEEP. go upstairs - gently wake her - she's a BEAR just like me. make sure we get blanky, bunny, guys, farmers, clothes, more guys and go downstairs. often times i'm a sucker and if she asks i will let her "picnic" her breakfast and watch a show. she does not get TV at the sitter - so i don't mind letting her watch a little in the AM... only Sprout or Noggin - that's IT!8:30am - TRY to get her dressed, comb hair, brush teeth - sometimes a fight - sometimes not. she has to be a diva though - so she's got to get CUTE!9:00am - out the door - commute to the sitter9:01am - home. sitter lives behind me.9:02am - BIG cuppa coffee. commute to office9:03am - office is upstairs in house. back into email. check voicemails...9:30am - 4:00pm - this is where it gets chaotic - there is NO structure to my day. I might have 4-6 hours of conference calls in one day - some days none. I work tirelessly on my projects and client setups all day long - often times juggling 4 or 5 clients at a time. all the while i field instant messages from colleagues - either bitching at each other, venting, mentoring, chatting, gossiping...answering phone calls and more emails. i am of the mind set - handle the email immediately and file it away. so i'm checking it all day long. i tried the 9, 12, 3 formula for email - when you work from home - it just doesn't work - looks like you are not accountable... just doesn't work.4:00pm - pick up the girl - play - watch a show - read books - do crafts - whatever she feels like doing - we do...5:00pm - begin dinner6:00pm - eat7:00 pm - tubby715pm - to bedtime - which is never the same anymore - we play, do more crafts, color, read stories, play princess/queen/king, sing, dance, watch a movie - whatever!

after K is in bed - i then soak up my time unproductively into this damn internet. i am a horrid insomniac - and often times am up until 1 or 2 in the morning... and then NEVER sleep an entire night through.

in writing this all out - i need help. I am barely making it from monday to tuesday. i melt down - frequently. i lose it. i cry. i simply get up and walk away from my office and wander around downstairs because for the LIFE of me - i cannot find my drive and focus i used to have. makes me wonder if it isn't time for a big life change. i've been with my job 5 years this February - and while i love it and wouldn't change it for the world... i am beginning to really lose my mind. not working in a traditional office environment has it's ups and downs - and i'm certainly in a downer state right now. i need to find a way to get out of this rut. it's like cabin fever 24/7...

so there - and then you will say to yourself - well no WONDER she's effin sick all the time! she doesn't take care of herself!!!

ok ladies - suggestions? tips on better managin my time? bring it!

and MELONIE - I am tagging YOU to play along with me at Fancy Simple - go on over there - join in - tell em Shelley sent ya!!! PWEEEEESE?

10.19.2007

and I've never even met her in PERSON - and she is just the sweetest thing you'll ever know! She MADE MY WEEK!!!

DO YOU HEAR ME MELONIE????

MADE MY WEEK!

I love little random bits of kindness that travel through the mail!!! LOVE IT! We had a conversation about antique wooden scissors and while she was out junkin and antiquin' she found me a teeny tiny pair... made her think of lil ol me! and she prettified em and sent em too me - along with an S - for Super Shelley and some other lil chippie bits of goodness - oh and of course some blinggity!!!

I've been a card makin fool - preparing for a Split Coast Stampers CNY gathering tomorrow. Of course - beingNEW to this group - I had to - in typical Shelley fashion - bite off more than I could chew - leaving me sputtering and choking to get everything done in time! BUT - I will pull it together! Just hav to cut and prep my shoebox project - and I am good to go. So car I have created 17 6x6 Recipes, 19 Demo Quality Card Fronts, 29 Card Fronts... total of 65 cards completed... only 14 more to go!!!

Truly find out the meaning of Girl Power? Fancy simple wants visual proof. I created THIS. If that ain't some chica power - I don't know WHAT is!!!

Here's proof...

I've always been a mouthy - nothing in this world can stop me - kind of girl. until i had this... a family. still - nothing can stop me - but my focus has shifted. i am no longer focused on just my well being. i am humbled everyday. i am grounded. i am stronger. i realize i really can do it all - with only a little patience and perserverance. i can create a human being. i can shape her and help her grow. i can educate her, empower her, love her, hug & kiss her, smile with her, laugh till my head hurts with her, cry with her...just BE with her. that bond is so intense... it often takes my very breath away. being a momma makes me feel powerful - but being a momma to a little girl - makes me truly eat, breath, and sleep the meaning of girl power.

10.18.2007

more girl power - man! i NEEDED it this week too!!! it's amazing what weight we as women carry - and i ain't talking the junkin your trunk ladies... i'm talking work, family, chores, hobbies - ME TIME! this blog has been giving me a chance to carve a teeny tiny bit of me time into every or every other day or so!

the chicks over at www.fancysimple.blogspot.com have a rockin challenge going on all week. today they want us to list our top fav chick empowering song, book and movie. i am a junkie on all three avenues - so it's tough to choose just one... but here goes:

SONG - I Got Money Now - by PINK

BOOK - In Her Shoes by Elizabeth Weiner (love the movie just as much!)

10.17.2007

So - the theme this week over at Fancy Simple is GIRL POWER!!! I have it - I know you do too! They posted this questionaire. I answered it. I HATE questionaires - but you know what? They really are fun and help you get to know people... easily. Stop over there and check out their stuff... it's GIRLY!!! www.fancysimple.blogspot.com

And then read my questionaire - copy it - answer it - post it to your blog and drop me a comment and let me know you posted with a link to it. There will be a RAK coming to the 7th person posting on my blog with a link to their blog with this questionaire! :O)

1. Name - Shelley May2. Pink - Love it or Hate it? LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!3. Signature shade of lipstick, lipgloss, etc. - these days, Clinique Rootbeer Gloss4. Do you have a best girl friend? - yes ma'am.5. Do you have a woman mentor? - sure do! I have a couple...6. Are you a woman mentor to someone else? - I'd like to think so... but no one's told me.7. Tomboy or Princess? - see #2 - TOTAL PRINCESS!8. Favorite Girl Band - lately - tons... Regina Spektor, Ingrid Michelson, Corrine Bailey Rae9. Are you a mom? -Do you want to be one? - I am - to ONE and DONE.10. Do you and your mom have any rituals? - not anymore. we live 3000 miles apart11. Fashion magazines - yea or nay. - not so much anymore12. Do you have a feel good outfit? - not anymore - nothing fits. and i wear sweats to work!13. Have you called your grandma or special aunt, or special older lady lately? - wish I had one...14. Signature Scent? - Lovely15. Favorite female tv character - Nora from Brothers and Sisters - I hope to be half the mom she is.16. Favorite place to hang out with gal pals? - anywhere scrappy17. Did you ever ditch your girl friends to be with a guy? Do you still? - not even once18. Friend you call when you need a laugh? - Joaney19. Friend you call when you need a shoulder to cry on? - Joaney - poor Joaney - she gets lots of phone calls20. Have you reminded your friends of how much they mean to you lately? see 18 & 19 - DAILY

10.15.2007

Ok - so my friends over at A Fancy Word For Simple have posted a challenge. And I like a good challenge... PLUS - their site always gets my head working and makes me think - or sometimes just plain laugh. AngieOH is a sweetpea and always leaves me praise and kind words on my blog! so pop on over! Take a peek - and play along! They've got a great sense of humor over there!

10.12.2007

Ok - so I know I have traffic on this blog. Why do you come here? What do you gain? Are you a voyeur and find pleasure in that - peeking into my life yet not being a part of it? Or are you looking for a laugh, motivation, blog candy? What would you LIKE to see on here? What would you like to see less?

Let me know... and LURKERS... I KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE! IT'S RUDE NOT TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF AT A PARTY - DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT????

check out this site. you can never do enough to help our school systems. i especially care to reach out to the arts program. being a theatre major myself - i knew it was always a struggle in school to get the funding we needed for our productions. i was fortunate and went to a HS with a brand new - state of the art - million dollar theatre built my freshman year. some students don't even have drama as an optionin school! can you believe that?

i found this cause on donorschoose.com and felt it tied to my love of the arts and scrapbooking. this teacher wants enough money to buy a digital camera and printer for her classroom. she wants to record the kids lives of learning! AND - she wants them to write about their photos and record memories! hello! she wants to TEACH THE JOY of scrap arts!!!

so - click on my thermometer at the sidebar - donate a little - donate a lot... just DO IT!

10.09.2007

well - here it is so far. MY SPACE! I am VERY fortunate to have an entire room (bedroom) dedicated to my home office and scrap studio! granted - the space is not huge - but it is mine and i can do what I want in here! even get paint on my desk if i want to! HAH! i'm totally into organizing everything right now - and since i have - i've been on a creating binge - and not get frustrated because i can't find this - or don't have room to lay this out - etc. i'm posting pics in the hopes i might help others get off their arses and organize - and help some see different uses for common - everyday household items! (my clothes drying rack turned embellishment storage device!) most of my goodies have come from The Christmas Tree Shops, Ikea, TJ Maxx, or Marshalls. let me know if you have questions! the colors are a little wonky - the walls are a dark turquoise - inspired by the SEI Paisley collection.. the closet has NOT been painted - it was that lovely shade of puke purple when we moved in! it will eventually be Polar Bear White - my most favorite white white paint. thanks for looking!

this is my desk. Ron built this for me - inspired by the $1000 desk I wanted from Pottery Barn and the $600 one I wanted from Pier One. $167 in wood, nails, paint, and a plexiglass top - i was in business. it is 3 feet deep x 6 feet long! HUGE!

this is my closet. took the doors off. Ron built shelves to fit my needs.we still have to come up with something to do in the space on the bottom right. my work printer is a big ol' laser printer that takes up a GREAT deal of room - that is on the floor on the left.. so we have this unused space on the right... i see a ribbon storage unit being built! the dark brown baskets hold the following: adhesive, paint/embossing powder/glitter, any sort of cutter and punch,tools (heat gun, sidekick, etc) embellishment boxes (this is for gems, brads, metals, etc - anything that can't hang up) I also have a section on the shelves dedicated to alterable stuff i pick up along my travels. those little blue cans - bottom right? they came in a three pack - blue, cream, red - at Dollar General @ 70% off... they were $2.40 for three. I bought 9! this is my answer to the severely overpriced Clip It Up. I think I paid $2.49 for this at IKEA. It is a wall mounted clothes drying rack. I used large jump rings and hang everything from there. they are grouped by type - rubons, bling, word stuff, floral stuff, journal blocks, chipboard...

found this little shelf at CTS for $1.99. it was hunter green and had seed packet labels on it. i peeled the labels off, spray painted white perfect to hold buttons and random stuff on the hooks...

this is my ribbon solution for now. i hoard ribbon like mad. i stack the spools on the floor in the corner. the thing on the wall is a cheapo shoe bag/closet organizer thing from dollar tree. i use it to store scrap ribbon by color. so far it works out great.

i tend to scrap by color so everything is sorted that way. it REALLY is a huge time saver when searching for just the right thing. paper storage is currently in the works. I had two retail size paper towers - but they took up too much floor space - so i am slowly converting to vertical cropper hopper storage units. i'll have to find a cabinet to store all my paper in - possibly under the window behind my desk. i also need to find a small table for my sewing machine that can double as a workspace for a scrapping buddy.

some musical inspiration for you today. this is one of my best friends all the way back from high school. i've bragged about him before. he truly rocks. truly. he is pure. he is a good man. (he's single ladies!) i have his CD in the car - and when kennedy hears it - she says "momma! ron is in there!!!" too cute!

i have been creating a bit lately. feels good. i love going to bed stained with ink. pure goodness. having the studio clean and organized helps. makes clean up a cinch and not a dread. makes finding things a breeze. again - pure goodness.

i am feeling the funk begin to lift just a little bit. i read an interesting article on despression last night in real simple magazine. i always knew depression affected you physically. i blame it for how i feel physically on most days. i am open about my depression. i have been fighting it since i was about 17. it's old hat. i just wish doctors would tackle it a little more seriously. a little more agressively. get to know their patients a little better - and know that we lie to them. "yeah - i know this feeling is only temporary..." it's a flat out lie. so - here's my plan - i'm going to tell my doctor this - that is when and if he ever decides to call me back.

so - no ranting - not today. today is going to be a good day. period. i wrote it and published it so it must be true, right? so i just look to my friend ron - for inspiration. he has fought much adversity in his life and he always manages to rise above it. in spite of it all.

peace my faithful blogger friends... i feel a give-away coming on.... just because i am in a good mood. and i've got too much crap... i am going to conjure up a contest... or challenge... check back later - but the first challenge? tell your friends... i need more traffic on this bloggity!

10.05.2007

above blog title post left on my voicemail by a VERY elderly, hard of hearing woman, whom I called back to let her know she had the WRONG FRIGGIN NUMBER!!! I called the number back and told her she had the wrong number and the next time she dialed a wrong number - it would be polite to NOT leave expletives on someone's BUSINESS voicemail! It was then I discovered she was elderly, she screamed at me to slow down - that she was hard of hearing - I then yelled slowly - "YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER - MA'AM! I AM NOT BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD! HAVE A PLEASANT DAY!!!"

All I ask - Dear Lord - please do not allow me to be so rude in my senile, dark, bitter days of life when trying to contact the insurance company because they never pay enough to cover the cost of my medical expenses when I am living on a fixed income of $900 a month having worked full time since i was practically 16 years of age.. making my entire work career aproximately 75 years. Please Lord... there but before the Grace of God go I.

10.04.2007

Ok - so tonight is the night. It will determine how I feel about the rest of the season of Grey's Anatomy. It is my escape from the week. An escape from all that irritates, angers, frustrates, boggles, upsets, confuses - ME! It's MY TIME. So I was cruising around my head for something thought provoking - something funny - something riveting. NOTHING. I once again - feel like crap. I look like crap. I probably smell like crap. I am crap. wait - let me search the origin of the word crap - i use it a TON!

Wikipedia says this:

The word "crap" is old in the English language, one of a group of verbs applied to discarded cast offs, like "residue from renderings" (1490s) or in Shropshire, "dregs of beer or ale", meanings probably extended from Middle English crappe "chaff, or grain that has been trodden underfoot in a barn" (c. 1440s), deriving ultimately from Late Latin crappa, "chaff".

That sums it up beautifully... I feel as though I have been trodden underfoot in an effin barn! (prob. look that way too , today.)

So - sweet blog friends - I leave you with some Mc - Isms... I hope you enjoy this as much as I did! (compliments of www.wikipedia.com)

Happy Grey's Day!

McLabellingIn Grey's Anatomy, the characters coin certain important words that are often used in their dialogue with the prefix "Mc". This trend is known as McLabelling.[1] There have been many instances where they have used McLabelling to describe and highlight certain events or characters:[edit] Season 1McBird - The first of the trend used by another intern to describe the patient that George is performing on. (Episode 1: A Hard Day's Night)McDreamy - The nickname given to Derek Shepherd by Cristina Yang. (Episode 2: The First Cut is the Deepest)[edit] Season 2McMarried - Used by George O'Malley to describe Derek Shepherd's marital status. (Episode 1: Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head)McWhat - said by Izzie after she found out that Derek was married. (Episode 1: Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head)McDog - The dog shared by Derek and Meredith named Doc. (Episode 16: It's the End of the World)McLife - the term used by Meredith to describe Addison Montgomery-Shepherd's influence over her life. Addison has Derek and now her dog. (Episode 16: It's the End of the World)McSexy - a suggestion for a nickname for Mark Sloan when he first arrived to Seattle Grace. (Episode 18: Yesterday)McYummy - another suggestion for a nickname for Mark Sloan. (Episode 18: Yesterday)McSteamy - the nickname that Izzy, Meredith and Christina agreed for Mark Sloan. (Episode 18: Yesterday)McVomit - the term for George's disgust of the new nickname for Mark Sloan.(Episode 18: Yesterday)McHot - used by Alex Karev to describe Addison Montgomery-Shepherd.(Episode 18: Yesterday)McYeah - George's assertion with the term used to describe Addison. (Episode 18: Yesterday)McDreamy - While this nickname is used to describe Derek Shepherd, Izzy also uses this nickname to describe George being the centre of Callie's attraction. (Episode 22: Name of the Game)McVet - given to veterinarian Finn Dandridge. (Episode 23: Blues for Sister Someone)[edit] Season 3McGuilty - what Cristina calls Derek following his extramarital sex with Meredith at the prom that is being hosted in the hospital. (Episode 1: Time Has Come Today)McBaby - what Cristina calls Meredith’s suspected pregnancy. (Episode 4: What I Am)McNasty - George describing what Derek had allegedly done with the woman in his trailer. Unbeknownst to them, the woman was Derek's sister, Nancy. (Episode 6: Let the Angels Commit)McHottie - George's term for Derek's sister, Nancy. (Episode 6: Let the Angels Commit)McBastard - George labelling Derek, assuming that he was going to have intercourse with the woman in his trailer.(Episode 6: Let the Angels Commit)McSister - given to Derek's sister, Nancy. (Episode 6: Let the Angels Commit)McBitchy - Izzie refers to Derek’s sister, Nancy, after she insinuates that Meredith is the reason for the Shepherds’ divorce. (Episode 6: Let the Angels Commit)McFreakin' Code of Silence - Callie yells at Meredith about telling George her secret affair with Sloan (Episode 9: From a Whisper to a Scream)McSex - Callie’s reference to catching Meredith and Derek having sex at the prom.(Episode 9: From a Whisper to a Scream)McLove Life - Christina's reference to Meredith's relationships (Episode 16: Drowning on Dry Land)McCrap - Christina describing Meredith's problems.(Episode 16: Drowning on Dry Land)[edit] "Seriously"The characters often say "seriously", usually at the end of a sentence, as a question or as a pronouncement. Krista Vernoff is credited with the introduction of the catchphrase, "seriously" into the dialogue of Grey's Anatomy episodes. Series creator Shonda Rhimes says that Vernoff used it frequently in the writer's room, and "said correctly, it can convey sarcasm, dismay, disbelief, a sense of moral and ethical superiority, and gentle chastising punishment, all at once."[2][edit] Sexually-Related TermsNetwork censors make it difficult for writers to use sexually-related terms such as the word "vagina", which has led to several euphemisms for female genitalia or other sexually-related terms. These include:"va-jay-jay" (Season 2 - Episode 17: As We Know It [Part 2])"good girl" (Season 2 - Episode 24: Damage Case)"hoo-hoo" (Season 3 - Episode 21: Desire).In addition, network censoring caused the writers to use the phrase "cashing in [her] V-card" (Season 2 - Episode 27: Losing My Religion)was used as a euphemism for losing one's virginity.[edit] "Whatever"Meredith's dialogue involves her talking and using well-known phrases but she trails off at the end and replaces the last word with "whatever".[edit] Season 3"There are rules to this friendship thing or whatever" (Episode 7: Where the Boys Are)"There's too much water under the thing or whatever" (Episode 7: Where the Boys Are)"You are not my knight in shining whatever" (Episode 15: Walk on Water)"I had a near-death whatever" (Episode 18: Scars and Souvenirs)

10.02.2007

Regina Spektor... pure musical bliss for me. ok - so loving her hair in this video... but besides that - just listening to these words makes me happy. especially - "if you never say your name out loud to anyone they can never call you by it..."

10.01.2007

so - i have a really vivid imagination. and i so love grey's anatomy (though was a little let down by this season's premiere. i will wait until next week and see if they can redeem themselves with me.) i digress...

so - i have this dream. it's like in technicolor. i am in the back yard of what should someday be my dream house. i am with a girl friend explaining the landscaping project "we" are working on , having done, etc. i am telling her - "we" are doing this, "we" are doing that, all the while the landscape crew is working moving around this HUGE rocks. boulders if you will. (IRL - i love rocks in landscape - lots of them) so there is this huge hole in the ground where a pool used to be (this is true in my real life too) and the crew are moving these boulders into this hole - to fill it in and then begin covering it with dirt fill. all the while i am telling my friend out plans - i have the coolest dog at me feet. and up walks the other half of me... he bends down to pet the dog - and only then do i realize the other half of ME is MCDREAMY! and he freaks out. starts yelling at the crew telling them that was not what "WE" wanted to do with the rocks! he says - "haven't i told you people enough how important these rocks are to my WIFE! she loves ROCKS!"

OK - STOP LAUGHING. i cracked up when i woke up from the dream. what's funny about it... the guys i used to date when i was a teen were very patrick dempsey like in his younger age... i need some sleep...............

9.28.2007

Ok - these lovely paper racks can be yours - both for $75.00. They take up about 15x15 inch square of floor space and are about 4 feet tall. Same ones you see in the LSS. I have opted to go vertical to make more sense of my small, small space.

If interested - please leave me a comment with your email and I will get back to you!

9.27.2007

ahhh - ABC premiere week. Life is good. Fall is good. Premiere week - GOOD. It is 5 hours from the time my life will once again be complete. Grey's Anatomy. oh sweet love for something grey really does matter in my life. I think I will wear a grey shirt tonight while i watch. It's grey outside. I've been in a Grey mood for weeks. Grey.

So - since I have been a horrible blogger - lists seem like a good thing to get caught up.

it's too hot to be fall.

premiere week makes me very happy.

do the terrible twos really last until 3 and then i have the effin fours?

i have to have more tests done next week for my stomach. my guess on the illness of the month in my life - ulcers.

9.12.2007

so in meeting some new paper craft women tonight - they all have school age children. we are going through our calendars, coordinating some meetings for the next few months. they begin talking about school activities. one of the women is German, born in Mexico and only recently moved to the states - and she asks - "what was the holiday today? or was it yesterday? the kids had to dress in red, white and blue. patriotic day?" we all look at each other puzzled and consider flag day - but know that to be sometime early summer - so we are all puzzled. she says - "no - it was patriot's day? this not an American holiday?" we looked at each other again - and it dawned on me - that is right, today is Patriot's Day. 9.11. - did you hear me? NINE.ELEVEN. for those of us not directly reflected, do we already forget? i felt ashamed to be an American. i woke up today with that same odd, like the earth is off balance feeling like i do every year on this day - i reflected and recounted this morning while i had my coffee. it felt off. but do you believe, by the end of the day - i was unaffected? shame on me. and shame on any of you other Americans who completely forgot what today was all about. PATRIOT'S DAY. it's on the newer calendars. why the HELL isn't it a federal holiday? again - often times - embarrassed to be an American.

take a moment, hell - take hours - learn - realize what it must have been like. to be there. to lose someone. don't be shameful. remember it each and every year. every day. our boys and girls are over there fighting for us. for what? so we can forget? nope. never again. not me.

8.15.2007

such a strong word if you really delve deep into the meaning of it. why is it, so few people in your life are capable of validating? it should be a skill taught to our youth. a common courtesy - like saying please or thank you.

one of my very dear and loved friends talked to me about this last night. and he was so spot on. this little blurb from wikipedia really hits it on the head:

"In psychology and human communication, validation is the reciprocated communication of respect which communicates that the other's opinions are acknowledged, respected, heard, and (regardless whether or not the listener actually agrees with the content), they are being treated with genuine respect as a legitimate expression of their feelings, rather than marginalized or dismissed."

this reminded me of a theory I once realized in my dark and gloomy twenties - there are people that talk. there are people that listen. there are people that simply wait to talk. you don't ever want to be that person. the person that waits to talk is so self involved they don't have the time or right to listen to you talk. a perfect combination is the person that can listen, validate, and talk. point blank. that is who you want you "person" to be.

i'm pretty fortunate. i've got a few "persons". they get me. they VALIDATE ME. one of those "persons" was in my life as a teen and has recently come back into my life. it's like a breath of fresh air. a renewed sense of self. to know - wow - someone else on this planet really gets me.

so go ahead with your day. but take this with you - the next time you are having a conversation - are you simply waiting to talk? thinking of the next thing to say? or are you there, in the moment, listening, giving your conversation partner validation - respect. now that you've thought about this - you will always be conscious of it with each conversation you have.

8.09.2007

i know, a long post title - but it's the truth. part of my keeping home in order progress will be to "attempt" to make the bed everyday. however, "they" say that a made bed harvests and incubates those nasty dust mites i am apparently allergic to. yet, an unmade bed harvests and incubates my dog as he decides it's HIS bed during the day. ok bailey. the jig is up. no more snuggling UNDER the covers in the dead of summer, because you are too proud to curl up under my feet under my desk like any normal dog should. yes. you are too cool.and the coffee cup? from none other than target. too perfect. too me. thick, ceramic, chocolate brown with some floral, bird, butterfly thingy designed on it in yellow, teal and a pinkish burgundy. happy morning coffee love. the mug 3.99the housekeeper 175.00my annual bonus 131% over planmy happiness and sense of accomplishment - pricelesshappy thursday

8.08.2007

i have always been of the school of though that money cannot buy happiness. but you know what? that's not true. really. it's not. it can. trust me. i have been fighting getting my home in order for over two years now. when i moved in here, i was 5 months pregnant. didn't realize when the house was being shown, how filthy dirty the people that lived before us really were!two and half years later, and countless arguments with the DH about hiring a housekeeper, i won. and you know how i won? i hired one and just plain didn't tell him! period. they are here and i am about as gleeful as a child running around looking for change to spend on the ice cream man as his little truck tools through the neighborhood playing what the hell is that song? i am giddy. excited! i want to scream it from the rooftops! i have arrived people!!! i can finally afford a housekeeper!!!!! wooo hooo!!!really. is a little over a hundred bucks to much to ask to buy sanity for your wife? i think not. cleanliness is next to godliness. so, we'll see once my home shines like a shrine! it is the number 1 top item on my list of frustrations... cleaning the house to a point of satisfaction. i've never achieved it. ever. hopefully this is the dawn of a new day.on other fronts...i decided i'd take some time off last week and have my gall bladder removed. i mean, it's one of the useless organs we have been given. why not? right? oh, did i mention it was 90% full of gall stones? yes, people, that's 90%. so, i had it out. dr. tyler, the same doc that got the pleasure of removing my gross thyroid took care of me. let me tell you, that man is an artist. i have 4 incisions... 6 days post op, that look like paper cuts. not even noticeable once they heal 100%. today is the first day, i can honestly say, i feel great. i ate - didn't feel sick after like i used to. and who knew? i never even knew i was having gall stone issues. i had had a stomach ache "episode" the week before and just couldn't shake the pain. so i went to the doc and here we are.that being said - five surgeries in four years.. i need to work on something to get done next year! hey, what about the appendix? i only need one kidney and one lung.. let's DO THIS! seriously, though.. i really, truly, madly, deeply hope this turns a corner for me and i am on the road to good health. i've been fighting something, consistently for two years solid now. pancreatitis, pneumonia, 10 sinus infections, the flu, constant stomach problems, aches, pains, oh and did i mention the depression and anxiety of my 20's returned? or did my post partum baby blues just get put on a delay and then resurfaced after the baby was over a year old?so... i have a new outlook. my home and my health are my #1 priority. if all of that is squared away, everything else should just fall into place. i am believing in this. i have to. the fight has worn me out and i am tired of faking my happiness.all in due time, right?

7.23.2007

See this sweet, innocent face? So pure and innocent? YEAH. check that thought. this child has entered.. that's right, people. the terrible effin twos! I actually called my mother from the parking lot of target saturday after this sweet and innocent being had a complete meltdown that lasted from the pharmacy all the way out to the car, and said, "ok, mother, so tell me... at what age is it again safe to take children into public?"

i always used to comment, when i was young, single, un-mothered.. if you will.. about "those women". you know you all did it. "why on earth would that woman bring her child out if they are tired/cranky.miserable..." etc etc. you KNOW you did it. i KNOW i did it. and i solemnly swore to my mother... "i will NEVER be that woman". well, ladies, the jig is up. you don't purposely become THAT woman. it just happens. it happens when you least expect it. and you realize as you are pouring sweat down your forehead, standing at the pharmacy counter, picking up your anti-anxiety medication, that you are having an anxiety attack right then and there because a two year old little being has ultimately become possessed by some force stronger than you know.. called THE TEMPER TANTRUM.

i became that woman. people made comments to me as i passed. people said things to me in the parking lot, as though they had any idea what i as going through? "oh, looks like the little princess is tired!" - OR - "oh look at that little cutie.. she must be just having a bad day!".. NO!!! I say.. she's having a bad WEEK!!!! I didn't just say this.. in retrospect, i think i yelled this. i was that woman. CRAZY. DISTURBED. wondering.. how in the HELL did I get here? no one prepared me for this. this wasn't in the countless books i read.

i don't know how to deal with this. other than leave her home. all the time. do my errands between the hours of 8 and 10pm... thank GOD target is open that late and that my grocery store is open 24/7. i guess it too shall pass. as i write, i tend to dramatize it a little for writings sake... no i don't... what the eff am i thinking? it really happened like that. i then remarked to my husband this weekend... how do i cope with this? i'm not cut out for this. i don't have the skills. is this something i can learn? there is no reasoning with a force stronger than nature. this child has a temper like fire. and i've been hit, kicked, slapped.. you name it. yes. she's two.

so, oh great mothering reader presence. teach me. drop your words of wisdom. tell your friends... one of us is sinking, and she needs a life raft... ME! (really, i love my girl.. and life with her is more grand than i ever dreamed...i just can't skip a dose or two of the anxiety meds...hahahhaha)

have a SUPER monday. i have a new outlook for this week... and am going to approach the child like i approach work... i have to learn to be more proactive and keep her occupied enough that she won't have time to have a tantrum... yeah. good luck with that.

7.17.2007

but a constant surge of "what ifs" continaully pulsate through my mind. I have to take Kennedy for a renal ultrasound tomorrow. This all stems from a discovery we had back in late April. She has a genetic rib anomoly - fancy doctor talk for.. there is something wrong with one of your daughter's ribs, but we are not sure what. her fourth rib on the right side, connects to the breast done with what appears to be a Y shaped connection. this causes her to have what is simply put - a bird chest. not noticable to strangers. but to me? it stands out like a sore thumb. a reminder that not everything is perfect. a reminder on a daily basis, each time i change her shirt.. that what if? what if this is just the beginning of medical visits, and hospitals and tests. what if i am being too paranoid? i mean honestly, is there such a thing when it comes to your child? i think not. the renal ultrasound is being done because one of the problems the "anomoly" with her rib can cause, is to her kidneys. this being a precaution, the doctors tell me. they think nothing is wrong, it's only a precaution. again, a daily reminder, what if? a reminder each time i change her diaper, i think.. why is she peeing so much? is something wrong withher kidneys? i keep these fears to myself. i over-react to myself. i'm scared. i hide that fact. plain and simple.what makes matters worse tomorrow? i have to go to this appointment alone. will i ask the right questions? will she let me calm her and take care of her? she's been so attached to daddy lately.. will i do a good enough job? what if i can't calm her down? again, i'm scared. this appointment leads to a follow up withe the pediatric orthopaedic specialist, and then a visit in september for some genetic testing. i won't even get into the details of all of that right now, it's too much for my nerves to take. let's just say, again, we are told, it is precautionary. muscular dystrophy is on both sides of my family... MY immediate family. she was born with a loose hip, a late walker, and her feet still roll in a little too much for my liking. and yeah, did i mention that a chest xray showed initially she may have scoliosis... yet they "think" it's only positional?i DO know she'll be okay. but i have every right to be scared. every right to be paranoid. ever right to be extra cautious. it is what makes me her momma. but i can still be scared. right?

7.16.2007

ALYSON!!!!Love that you stuck it out with your BFF.. who is a BOY!!! and that you are STILL able to have wonderful relationships with each other and your new families and loves!Please email me your info so I can send you a lil somethin somethin!and tell me.. how did YOU find my blog? curious!!!make it a great day, girls!

7.11.2007

ok, so i was tagged by my super talented online friend, katrina http://katyat34.typepad.com/being_30something/(who still has not added me to her sidebar of REALLY cool blog friends....hahaha) to update my blog... i just feel as though i haven't had anything enlightening or remotely fun to rant about lately.... but my best friend has been on my mind a lot today... so i present to you.. oh faithful and small group of blog readers.. an ode to Joaney....

the ESPn title? a silly joke between my very best friend and i. we have now been friends for WOW... 19 years. yes, it was 9th grade. we were in algebra. she was a not so nice girl in my class who used to give the teacher a hard time and chat up a storm with her buddy tenika.i caught her cheating off of my work one day and asking me for help. i said, "sure, help yourself to my answers, i'm failing this class." it was all too apparent she had been cheating off of me for quite some time. she too, was failing the class. we became fast friends. we had such different lives, but so parallel at the same time. we had different friends. different interests. but something bonded us. some sort of E.S.P.n as we call it. we are in tune with one another. we just know. we know when we need to make one another's phone ring. we just know. why? i don't know. it's like a compelling force that often times makes me pick up the phone if only to tell her i was thinking about her and i love her. i often marvel at our friendship. we've only spent physical time together maybe a combined two weeks in the last 10 years? i missed her first wedding. i was too busy smoking pot and drinking. i didn't think she should be getting married. and i told her that many years later, after she divorced. i had a bad feeling and that i didn't have the courage or wisdom to tell her that 12 years ago. i missed her second wedding. but i was there in her heart and that of her new husband's. he is her other half. her completion. and i knew it in my heart. she missed my wedding. but she was there. it was her i felt standing beside me even though she wasn't. she lives in the south. i live in the north. we couldn't be more different. i often wonder how i can be so lucky. she is my sister that was chosen for me. i attribute my life to her on several different occasions, she's talked me in off the ledge. so, the ESPN? i know when she's going through a rough spot. she knows when i'm going through it. she's coming to spend a week with me the end of this summer and i feel like i am 16 again. we are going to a concert together while she's here. already planning our outfits... what we'll do before the concert... i guess a last ditch effort at reclaiming our youth... since her son asked... "mom, do you and aunt shelley really think you're all that?" she replied, "yes, all that AND a bag o' chips." yo!

so tell me.. who's your ESPn connection? do you know what i mean? who's the one person you can't go a day without connecting? do you realize how grateful you should be to have that one person? tell me about it... i'm trying to get some traffic to my site...so tell your friends, tell the famous... come read me... i will meander through my comments and pick my fav.. the one that reaches deepest to my soul and inspires me... and send a lil RAK... posts must be made by 12 midnight eastern time, saturday july 14th.

and we are teaching kennedy the "what up dog" hand tap.... pretty cute for a 2 year old... to go, "uh" (top hand tap) "uh" (bottom hand tap) "wassupdawggie" (front hand tap) (think hand in a fist, uh uh what up dog?) yeah, she pretty much rocks.

About Me

this is me

today's thoughts...

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."~ Margaret Young