7 Ways To Be SURE That Guy Has Ebola

1. He Sneezed

Did that guy next to me sneeze? I hear that Ebola causes you to violently sneeze. Wait, what the hell does violently sneeze mean? I have no idea but I'm sure whatever it means is exactly what I just saw. He for sure has Ebola.

2. He Coughed

No one ever fucking coughs. No one. That guy just did. He fucking has Ebola.

3. He Looks Tired

I've never seen anyone look sicker in my life. That guy looks exhausted; it must be from his restless nights due to having Ebola. I need to move away from him right now.

4. He's Sweaty

This guy is for sure sick. There is truly no other reason to sweat in this subway car during summer commutes. That one line of sweat rolling down his face is going to cause an epidemic all across New York.

5. He Looks Skinny

Holy Shit! Ebola wreaks HAVOC on your body. I can't believe how much weight that guy has lost to get to 175 pounds. I mean, I know that I've never seen him before but there's no way he always looked like that. I'm sure he used to be 250 pounds and the Ebola caused him to lose 75.

6. He Lost His Balance When The Subway Stopped

Whow buddy, don't grab onto me when the subway jerks you. Just because you can't keep standing since Ebola effects your balance doesn't mean you have to pass it onto me.

7. He's Passing Out and Has Blood Gushing From His Eyes

This guy is literally on his hands and knees in the subway and blood is gushing from his eyes. Maybe I should move to the next subway car? Shit, I just saw a guy sneeze in there. I'd better stay here.