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What time of day do you like having sex?

So, a funny thing happened the other night...
I debated writing about this because it's intimate (also, I'm 35 now! a mother of two!) but I actually feel like I know my readers so well, and we're all friends here, right? So, a bit of girl talk.....

We went to bed like any other night—we brushed our teeth, we read books for a while, I'm sure I obsessed about something random, and then we fell asleep. And then, in the middle of the night, half asleep...we started making out. It was hazy and warm and totally spontaneous; we didn't even say anything. It was amazing. And, funnily enough, the next morning, when we did talk about it, neither of us could figure out who made that first move.

Having sex in the middle of the night felt like such a discovery! (Am I the last person to the party? Maybe everyone else does this?)

I'm curious: What time of day do you like having sex? I always prefer the morning or the afternoon. The least sexy time for me is at the end of the day, after a big pasta dinner and two glasses of wine, when I just feel like watching The Bachelor and putting on hiking socks:) What about you?

149 comments:

I've had this experience, too! And we never know who initiated! Ha! But it feels so natural and low-key and in that half-dream-state it can be insanely sexy. I like it a lot, but you can't exactly plan it, can you? :)

We don't have a "time". Whenever we feel like it. Sometimes it's the morning (usually on the weekends/days off/ holidays, etc) sometimes it's on the evenings (weekdays). We do keep a monthly tally, just for sh***s and giggles (we put little heart stickers in a calendar).

Agreed on the Woody Allen pic, but that said, the magic middle of the night sex isn't something that happens consistently, but when it does, it's exactly like you described - no idea who initiated it, why it happened, etc.!

i LOVE middle of the night dream-space sex, but it isn't something you can really attempt to do, is it? it just happens, uncontrollably, like a dream. i'm with you, though - i love it in the afternoon with all of my attention and energy.

Oh yes, I've experienced this! I think the thing that makes it special is that it's one of those rare moments when both people want the exact same thing at the exact same time and somehow it is seemlessly executed without words. Add to that the "dream-state" and it's pretty much perfection.

That's so funny because some of my hottest times having sex with my fiancé are in the middle of the night. It is so hard to explain why it's the best and so hot because you are both basically asleep, but I love it.My fav time of day though is when he comes home from work. It's right before dinner so we still feel energized and is such a good way to unwind after a long day!

hahaha. I have absolutely experienced that, and like you said, it sort of just happens and then you fall back to sleep and then next morning are like, what? Great, though. My favorite time right now is on a Saturday or Sunday morning while the girls are watching cartoons :) (My girls are 4 and 7). We sort of slip away from drinking coffee in the living room and head to the bedroom.

If I had to choose then is have to say morning. I'm not sure what it is, because morning breath and eye boogera are the exact opposite of sexy. But there's just something about waking up with a man you adore and feeling him everywhere at the start of your day.

I've never had the middle of the night experience, but I TOTALLY agree about morning or in the afternoon. I'm really not a fan of bedtime sex - I'm pretty much ready to fall asleep then and it no longer sounds appealing. Also, I hate how the movies show bedtime sex - like, they just roll over and fall asleep without getting up to pee or brush their teeth or shower or anything afterwards? Ick. I bed no one does that!

love the post!!i love middle of the night sex! it may be my favorite, actually! although i really love it in the morning too (apart from the morning breath thing which makes me feel self-conscious ;)) and basically any time of day aha.i wonder if it's true that from 30 up you get even more into it, because if it is i'm in for a treat! ;)

I miss other-than-nighttime sex. The toddler and baby definitely notice when we attempt to slip out...Usually by the end of the day I'm just done. No interest left. If the stars align on a weekend then they both nap at the same time and we can get to it :) Pre-kids we used to both start work at 5am and then have afternoon sex and a fantastic nap afterwards before waking up for dinner!

I honestly think that if you're a regular Cup of Jo reader, you woukd know that Joanna didn't chose that picture just because and didn't mean to offend any of you. To say that it could cost her readers, I say you're welcome to stop reading her blog, cause you obviously don't know her (as a blogger, I mean)

Anyway...

On the sex subject, my boyfriend and I usually meet at his place during the week to go to the gym, and sometimes we have sex before leaving (yeah, not the best idea to have sex before the gym, but let's see it as a warm up:)When we go out on Saturdays I usually stay at his place, and on Sundays we stay in and spend the whole day sleeping/having sex, not knowing who started, but who cares cause it's awesome.

How funny, husband and I were just talking about this the other day. He often initiates sex if we both happen to be awake, but I almost always shut him down because I'm so desperately clinging to sleep!

I think like this; 'Nooo I'm awake! QUICK! GO BACK TO SLEEP! Only three more hours until the small one is awake! NEED SLEEP!'

I should probably be more open to midnight sex. We used to do it a lot and it's nice!. :)

I love that you shared this! Thank you! I'm with everyone else who is saying morning - even though morning breath is so un-sexy, there's just something about the mornings that's so good. And yes, my friends and I were just talking about evening being the most un-sexy time. Anything past like 10o'clock is pretty much a big n-o. Ha!

Our sex life is hurting right now, though. We seem to only be interested in sex on Saturday mornings. Sometimes we can get going on a weekday morning, but hardly ever at night. I am just too exhausted and can't turn my mind off at night, and he is too exhausted from his martial arts classes and his work, too.

Mornings are great because nothing has happened in the day yet and you can just focus on each other.

For us it's when we put our three year old and baby to bed in the early evening. It's so nice because we aren't tired yet and it puts us in a happy, relaxed mood. We then enjoy a drink and sit outside and chat or watch whatever new show we're into, right now it's House of Cards.

I'm so glad you posted this! I was starting to think I'm the only person that gets so tired after dinner & tv! I just want to sleep! For me, the afternoon is the best. I used to get off work early on Fridays and it became a Friday afternoon ritual to just meet up in the bedroom when I got home! :) So fun!

This happens to me and its always my husband who initiates. For some reason, it gets me every time. I never turn him down in the middle of the night. And its always great! That said, it probably only happens a handful of times a year. (middle of the nite:)).

I am totally a night time person, I like the intimacy of the night. I actually hate morning sex because I feel so gross and I hate morning breath, I may be extra sensitive to it because not many others seem to care.

Hi Joanna, I've been wanting to access some of your older posts, but they no longer seem to be visible. I tried your link to "thong post" from this one and also have tried to see your post about nursing blues (I'm currently blue as anything and weaning my son, so I wanted to reread your thoughts on the process as I don't have any friends who have experienced this). Is it just me who can't see some posts? Would love your help! Thanks!

Love that you wrote about this! I love the afternoon for these moments but my hubby LOVES early morning. Being a horrible morning person, I never fight it but it is not my favorite time. But I never regret it...haha!

Great post! When people say this happens, it always reminds me of this article I read about old patterns of human sleep, called "two sleeps." And so between sleeps, in the middle of the night, people would often use that time to have sex. So interesting! http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16964783

My husband surprisingly wouldn't have the desire to do that, but I may try ;-) We need to get more creative, bc even without kids yet we become more and more tired by the day.

This happens to me at least once a month and it is always the best sex ever. I think we figured out that I usually start it, though. My husband usually falls asleep later than me and I'll start making the moves while sleeping.

That's so funny how many people say they like morning sex--it's my least favorite time! I feel all groggy and a little puffy and to be so very frank--I can't get as...er....ready...as I like. HE likes it, of course, and I'll always go along, but personally I'm an afternoon person! Or a right-before-dinner person, cause then I'm so hungry! haha. He's started doing this thing about 4 in the morning--I thought he was getting out of bed (he's an early riser/overnight shift) and kissing my back out of sweetness.....let's just say that was not what he was doing ;) It was so hot--him being sooo horny that it completely wakes me up and turns me on.

Yes, we've done this! I think it's usually him that initiates it, though :) But yeah, I'm usually a morning person, too, or generally unexpected times. At night, I'm usually ready to go to sleep. I guess that's why middle of the night is good, I get a little nap in before :)

This middle of the night sex thing...it happens a lot with us... Well maybe a little less now but honestly, it was happening so much I was kind of like can we please do this fully conscious one of these days?

Love this post For those of you offended by the woody Allen photo, did you read his piece in the New York Times? And the article written by the guy who did his documentary? It was in the daily beast. Just check them out and maybe you will be able to look at his face and see his films without getting offended :)

Mary Sue, we also call it sleep-sex! My husband (then just my boyfriend) started initiating it when we'd only been dating a few weeks and we were both so blush-y about it at first. He was like "This has never happened with anyone else!" But it's totally hot and I love it. There's actually a technical term for someone who initiates sex in their sleep: sexsomnia! (And if you're a super-nerd like me, you might have seen the Law & Order SVU episode that starts with a guy who's a sexsomniac)

It happens a few times a month, generally like once a week...Definitely my favorite time. And mornings are fun too.

I have two kids too (ages 3.5 and 7) and I totally have become a morning sex girl. I was like that before but even moreso now. I'm just too tired by the end of the day now. Morning is nice and quiet. The kids usually sleep an hour later during weekends and since I generally still wake up the hour earlier it works.

Afternoon, for sure. Then throw in a quick post-coital nap. Pure bliss.

Unfortunately, this only happens on the weekends as I am in the office until 7p or 8p weekdays. I do notice that around 3p or 4p (yes, even at the office) my mind always wanders thinking about my handsome hubby!

As for the midnight version, on the weekends it's totally awesome but on a weekday, I dread it. This girl needs her beauty rest. Otherwise I am totally grumpy or can't get out of bed and am therefore late to the office.

One of the things I miss most about the days of dating my husband is how we could do it whenever we wanted! I'd sleep over and he'd wake me up in the middle of the night or in the very early morning as the sun was rising. Then we'd go back to sleep for a while. Ahhhh..so dreamy. I agree, after dinner and putting the kids to bed it's not always easy to summon your inner diva.

My husband always does this, but he's sleeping when it starts, sometimes we carry on and it's fantastic, sometimes I get cranky at being woken up or eventually he does lol, and its like hey bucko you hot me all hot and heavy and now yor like, I'm sleeping ... It's either infuriating, comical or magic!

This sounds amazing! I wonder why this doesn't happen with my husband and me. OH right, because our 4 year old has been sleeping between us since we had our second child. TEN MONTHS AGO :/ Sounds like it's time to transition her back to her room! ;)

love this post! this has definitely happened to me before and i think it's incredibly sexy. my italian totally initiates it in the middle of the night. but this is our habit: we'll end up saying good night/gnight kisses/turn over but then get all sexy with each other like a good solid 10/15 minutes later JUST as we're about to fall asleep. afterwards, we'll say something like, "oh we better get to sleep, we have to work tomorrow. good night!" but then it'll happen AGAIN! sure enough, it'll be several hours past when we initially said good night. it's incredibly hard to wake up the next morning for work, to say the least.

I dated a guy who would work in one city for 5 weeks and another for 5 weeks, alternating between 2 cities. On one trip to my city this same thing happened. Although, he admitted to initiating. It was so sweet and tender. We talked about it the next day and he said "I love you. How can I sleep next to you for the first time in 5 weeks and not want to make out with you?" I made me feel so sexy.

Ah middle of the night magic! LOVE this too! It's crazy how you feel half asleep but so into it at the same time. And you're so right.. we never know who initiated it either.. it just happens :) Love the unexpectedness of it!

My husband and I have been married for 17 years and middle of the night sex has always been in heavy rotation. I used to always think he initiated it but in the last several years I've realized that it's actually ME!!! But it is always the hottest sex. As for the uptick in libido once you hit 30? Wait until your late 30's/early 40's - off.the.hook. No one is complaining in my house though. One of the many good things about getting older!!! Not sure if it has to do with age/hormones or maybe the age of your youngest child. When my 3rd (and last) was around 2.5, was when the libido increased.

Ha! This has totally happened to us and I agree, it's so hot. Now that there is a little person sleeping in between us though, we've had to get a little more creative and "nap" time is pretty much our go time if it's gonna happen during the day.I'm curious, have you transitioned Anton to the boys' room? You mentioned fearing how it would turn out.

This may seem awfully off topic,but in a way it isn't...I've read you have sleep trained Anton. I'm curious which book and or method you chose,as i am a sleep deprived mother of 7 month old twins. 7pm to 6am sounds a lot of sleep......And if I slept more, maybe we would get to have some sex again,to connect to the topic. Though probably stil not for the "afternoon delight" which is my favorite.

Joanna, great topic. Love how open you are about everything. Agree w/ you on mornings and afternoons. Also, middle of the night romps are the best! Love that when you wake up in the AM and are chatting about who started what. SO fun. Also, did you see the article in The Atlantic about Why Is It So Hard for Women to Write about Sex? Bravo to you! http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/03/why-is-it-so-hard-for-women-to-write-about-sex/357574/

Joanna this post makes me live you even more! Middle of the night is always amazing! After reading this post & comments it made me realize that after having my daughter (12 month old) are spontaneous sex has gone out the door! And morning sex just is not my cup of tea! Because I am an over thinker! I get way hung up on the stinky breath! Haha! But honestly after reading everyone's comments on morning/afternoon sex...I think I may need to step outside the box! I'm certain my husband won't mind! Love the honesty everyone!

Jo this is why I read your blog religiously! Sooo real and totally random. (Thongs! Lol!) Anyway, I love doing it in the middle of the day while the kids are away so I can make as much noise as I want! You rock Jo!!!

I love your blog, and love reading your reader's comments. I fall in with the crowd here.

As a blogger, I understand your desire to keep everyone happy. It's just such a shame that a spurned woman can be so successful in changing the reputation of her former lover. And with the most lethal of weapons. This accusation was investigated thoroughly, nobody was paid off .. there was simply no evidence. Yet she's successful in keeping it alive.

Every time I see this kind of public reaction to no evidence, I find it disturbing.

Love this post. And love reading the comments. I am oy confused why people don't just brush their teeth and have morning sex! That's what I do - wake up, pee, brush teeth and hop back into bed for some good mornin' lovin'!

So glad to see this post! Its a beautiful thing to have these conversations to always be growing in our marriages....

Middle of the night sex is absolutely the best. We are certain that we conceived our middle child this way.

As parents to three girls who are really eager to eavesdrop now days, we have to be quite careful with these things.

As of now, middle of the night is a lovely little treat but otherwise we will wake up very early in the morning before anyone else is up at times [pee first, brush teeth] & then hop to it...or at night.

Our girls have ALWAYS gone to bed at 8 pm and it gives them plenty of time to fall asleep before anything takes place.

However, we have our dog, who is 11 and still shames me with her looks anytime I get naked and she sees us together...Its TERRIBLE. & whats worse is that now I actually feel guilty when she looks at us...ha!

Last week, we slipped away into the laundry room in our garage after the kids were in bed for some fun.

After almost 12 years, being spontaneous is absolutely crucial and a wonderful way to keep the spark.

Ha! So funny that you wrote about this because my husband does this all the time. He'll initiate in his sleep and have absolutely no recollection the next morning! (actually happened two nights ago) I usually don't entertain the whole thing because it wakes me up and I'm exhausted, but when I told him about his most recent attempt the other morning, he says, "Oh come on! Give dream Matthew (I picked a random name) some action!" So maybe next time I'll go with it. :)

I've this experience only once!I'm all for sex in the afternoon, it's called something like "nasty nap" in French but in a funny way. I hate the morning bc of morning breath, that would freeze any libido I might have at that time. I'm like you, I don't like it after dinner, it's mellow and digestion time!

yes my hubby and i have done this a few times...its nice! even better if you get to have a sleep in in the morning..Ive been so tired lately! ha! when our boys were little and would have afternoon naps, Saturday afternoon was the perfect time to have sex, it felt a little kinkier during the day...

Ok so I'm glad im not the only one that feels like being a vegetable after dinner! I'm full.. I don't feel sexy after that.. Lol. Middle of the day sex is always awesome bc it's generally spontaneous. Just waking out of slumber, still fuzzy sex is the best though! It's like you're in a dream, but not really and everything thing feels incredibly good. Yups. That's where it's at.

you have often highlighted woody allen on this blog, and each time my stomach turned, however that is your right. to support and endorse whoever you please. and just like you have the right to your opinion, i have mine, and i will no longer be visiting your blog. and i won't be buying anything from anyone who sponsors you.

I've had that experience as well, and we love to chat and try to figure out what happened! I'm usually a mid afternoon/early evening girl. I get too tired at night and just have tunnel vision on sleeping, ha!

I can't wait to send this link to my boyfriend, he will get such a kick out of it!

2pm. On the dot. Every day. I used to work evenings and he would come home from work for a late lunch most days and it was perfect. But then we moved and my schedule changed and now I work weekends and it is so frustrating!

I read a book about sleep that said humans used to sleep in two segments. They'd wake up in the middle of the night and talk, smoke, pray, have sex etc. Here's an explanation:

And these hours weren’t entirely solitary – people often chatted to bed-fellows or had sex.”A doctor’s manual from 16th Century France even advised couples that the best time to conceive was not at the end of a long day’s labour but “after the first sleep”, when “they have more enjoyment” and “do it better”.

Ekirch found that references to the first and second sleep started to disappear during the late 17th Century. This started among the urban upper classes in northern Europe and over the course of the next 200 years filtered down to the rest of Western society.

By the 1920s the idea of a first and second sleep had receded entirely from our social consciousness.

He attributes the initial shift to improvements in street lighting, domestic lighting and a surge in coffee houses – which were sometimes open all night. As the night became a place for legitimate activity and as that activity increased, the length of time people could dedicate to rest dwindled.” - Source

Apparently this used to be the norm, called Bimodal sleep, it was common to have a waking period in the middle of the night, and obviously this is when many people got it on ;) http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16964783

Thank you for changing the photo, Joanna. I love the movie Annie Hall, but considering the whole debacle based on Dianne Keaton's comments about Allen at the Golden Globes and the allegations about his abuse of Dylan Farrow, I can't ever look at it the same way again. We SHOULDN'T look at it the same way, because it comes at someone else's expense - Dylan, and all the abuse survivors like her. There are abuse survivors that read this blog. Their voices and experiences should be taken into consideration when we post things. So all of you that say "well I wasn't offended by it" - all that means isn't that it wasn't personal to you, probably because you don't know what it's like to come face-to-face with your abuser over and over again as his "genius" is lauded in the media.

Great post! I'm the same way Jo, after dinner or a few drinks, no one wants to be sloshing around, so un-sexy. On weekends It's first thing in the morning, Sunday morning pre- brunch MUST! But on week nights we make it a priority to make time for it before dinner, or before we go out. we will sit, chat unwind from the day, sip a half a drink, then go for it. Our friends know not to make plans earlier than 7:00... or we will be late...

Your last line cracked me up!!! So, I'm not the only one who wears hiking socks to bed!? (So unsexy ~ but sooooo cozy!!)Ahh, those middle of the night rendezvous ~ haven't done that in a while...but it may be the topic of conversation this weekend. And then, who knows...!Great post! ;)

Man, Joanna, I have to say that I am surprised by the backlash from the orig. photo... I didn't see it, so I dunno... But I don't personally know Mr. Allen, or his family, or the history of their dynamics... so I hesitate to pass judgement on any of them, since it really isn't my, or anyone's business but their's. You have a great blog.It stinks that you started the post with "we're all friends here, right?" and then some pretty unfriendly stuff was said. I appreciate that you do treat us like friends and are authentic in this blog, that is what makes it compelling and keeps me reading!

Before modern conveniences - e.g., lamps and books and laptops and TV - people often went to bed earlier, but awoke in the middle of the night. After all, one can only sleep so much. The time before going back for second sleep was filled with quiet reflection, planning one's day and having sex.

In fact, some belief that insomniacs are actually just behaving naturally in a world that has removed part of our night.

All I can think is - wow, you have kids the exact ages as ours and you are in a bed TOGETHER, with no kids in it, not worried about being interrupted and not worried about using precious uninterrupted sleep time for sex. How did you pull this off?? I really want to know. We are dying here.

All I can think is - wow, you have kids the exact ages as ours and you are in a bed TOGETHER, with no kids in it, not worried about being interrupted and not worried about using precious uninterrupted sleep time for sex. How did you pull this off?? I really want to know. We are dying here.

Love this post. Totes afternoon people over here when the littles are down for afternoon nap....I have 2 the same age as T and A. Questions for you how did you sleep train and did you put them in the same room? Any tips would be SO appreciated. Still have babe in our room in pak n play, poor little lady. She is still up twice a night to feed although she is a chunka and I know she does not need those night feedings. Drooling over the day I can get her in her room with her brother. Please, any tips??? Thanks!

Yep this has happened and it's the best ever!!! I also prefer morning. We feel so good and giddy and night time is hard with having just nursed kids to sleep and being so tired and end of the day need a shower mom. We have to get creative these days!!

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Mornings. When I have half my makeup on, brushing my teeth, and messy hair from being an active sleeper the night before. He wakes up around this time (I envy how quickly he can get ready for work.) and hugs me from behind with a sleepy, one eye open, smile reflecting back from the mirror. He spins me to face him and it starts ;)

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We live with my boyfriend's mom now so we usually have to do it at night when she's sleeping, but before we'd do it all the time, whenever (we had roommates but didn't care if they heard ha). Also, no idea what people are talking about with the picture. I guess you changed it but I love Woody Allen so whatever!