Sunday, October 26, 2008

Hobson's choice

It feels like breaking rank with modern heterosexual British malehood, to which I more or less belong, but here goes. I hate James Bond. The continuation of his cult disgusts me, embarrasses me, depresses me. Yes, "cult" is the appropriate word. He embodies everything that's really awful about our national psyche. He mixes nostalgia with vulgarity, snobbery with hedonism. Because he's a semi-cartoon figure, caked in irony, he evades serious censure. Clever critics might sometimes scoff at the naffness, but the vast majority, including many intelligent ones, say stuff along the lines of "Cool!".

It's hard to dissent from this barrage of adulation. Call me Licensed to Killjoy, but it has to be said: this cult hero is a deeply malign cultural presence. He represents a nasty, cowardly part of us that ought to have been killed off long ago.

Of course there is a very serious case to be made against 007 on strictly feminist grounds. The women in the books and films are silly, naughty, flimsy things who need hard male mastery. I don't know how offensive this is to women, but it's offensive to me. Indeed I think the real victims of the Bond cult are men, who are impelled by a vile peer-pressure to worship at the shrine of this lethal lothario.

Theo Hobson, whoever the fuck he might be, is deeply offensive to me. And, one would hope, to all women too. Can you imagine being in a relationship with this tedious little turd? It would be hell, and utterly devoid of romance. Ugh.

People like Theo Hobson quite obviously consider all sex to be rape: the very idea that both men and women might actually enjoy sex is an anathema to this man. He is probably the kind of man who—thrusting ungracefully (tight with embarrassment, trying to get the whole thing over with quickly so as not to prolong his lady's pain)—does not murmur sweet nothings into his lover's ear, nor even heated cries of desire: no, Theo Hobson will be muttering, "sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

Either that, or he likes to slap women about and he is merely projecting his nastiness onto what is, let's face it, a fictional fucking character, Theo!

Yes indeed, we can't be having any of that ironic fun business with our sex. Sex is a very serious matter.

I'm currently pitching my own movie in Hollywood. Titled Quantum of Angst, it tells the tale of New Age social worker Nigel Bond, a member of the Allotments Association who poses as a member of the Rotary Club in order to expose their plan to run a hosepipe from the Communal Tap to feed water to their bowling green sprinkler system. When a parsnip crop is badly damaged during a wheelbarrow altercation, Bond calls an emergency community committee meeting and the various parties agree to mediation. There are two sex scenes, both between Bond and his life-partner Frozilla Hemp, and any suggestion that sex might be fun has been carefully excised.

Nigel Bond will be played by Ally Fogg and Frozilla Hemp by Bond-girl Kathy Burke.

Indeed. Hobson's choice would be that scenario above: I'll take the irony and sexual fun, any day...

He has obviously never met any women. There is nothing more insanely pleasurable and sexually liberating than being in the company/hands/bed of a confident, worldly alpha male. In my considerable experience they are by far the most satisfying and generous lovers. And it's nice to know that, should the need arise, they can shoot to kill.