Monday, October 23, 2006

giving thanks

The weekend was wonderful - lots of Dexter time (I got napped on and spit up on in equal parts - you know it's love when you'd rather have someone throw up on you than put him down*). I did some cooking - attempting to make gluten-free girl's veal goulash, but couldn't find any veal in all of Palm Springs...that is until the next night, after I'd already substituted ground beef.

*Future boyfriends please note, you will not be extended the same treatment after a heavy night of drinking.

I drove back from the desert this morning. Some observations in the realm of social commentary reflecting the political makeup of the Palm Springs area. The first five radio stations I scanned through were all Christian music or preachers. The 6th was a morning talk show discussing how a guest had attended a rock show the night before where he was peed on by the drunk guy sitting behind him. The host was sure to let the guest telling the story know that when doing so, he couldn't say the "p" word on air - which I assume means "piss" (please note I detest this word and only type it for the sake of the story). This led to a discussion of how hard it is to be on the radio these days with all the censoring and various limitations they must take into consideration when conducting "talk" radio - apparently bodily functions are to be treated with sensitivity, among other things. The 7th station was another Christian station, though this one was in Spanish. Food for thought.

I just got back from lunch with my ex. We had a great conversation a couple of weeks ago (I think the best since our break up - it's taken a LONG time to get to this point) and it seems like we were ready for a real get together, one that wouldn't involve one of us falling apart in someway or another (meaning me bursting into tears, or him shutting down completely - he's not much of a cryer). It was so nice - we caught up on each other's families, our work, our friends - the things that make up our daily lives and are most dear to us. It was happy and comfortable, and I left thinking it would be the first time we'd gotten together where I didn't cry at some point at the hopelessness of loving someone you know you can't be with. Of course I did cry as I was driving away - but it was good tears. Heather's blog today includes a list of all the things she's learned from past boyfriends, written in the form of a thank you. It's a lovely list - a list that reflects that no matter how something turns out - being with someone means giving and receiving - and there are always good lessons to take away. Today, as we shared from a place of mutual love and respect - sharing freely and with some of the vulnerability that is lost until you reach this point, I realized that I will probably never lose that nugget of sadness that surfaces each time we walk away from each other into such separate lives. Still - we are at a point where we can share some of the things that speak to our souls again. As we drove off we sent each other text messages with songs and bands to look up because more than anything, we understand that moment when a song sheds a little light on what to make of this life - and we still know how to give each other this gift. For this, I am thankful.

2 Comments:

This was a really lovely post. And I'm glad you had such a positive experience with the lunch. I've always found the absolute hardest part of any breakup isn't so much the loss of the relationship itself, but rather the brutality of completely severing the person from your life. Good for you for being able to reconcile a failed relationship within the larger context of lessons learned. We could all learn a lesson or two from you!

Religious radio, yes. I drove to a wedding in Vermont this weekend and as I crossed the border I became acutely aware of the many, many, Christian radio stations your country sports. Ok, many it wasn't pileloads, but it was a lot compared to one in the Greater Montreal area. What's going on with that?