Men. Dating. Sex. Relationships. Love.

You Don’t Want a Girlfriend

Women don’t hate you. No matter how many times you get knocked back or fucked over, you can’t give up on love. Taking rejection is part of the dating game. It’s actually a part of life which, if mastered, can bring you peace. I hear too many single men saying stupid shit about women based on superficial specs. Men, at least the ones I know, tend to be objective about everything.

“She’s a seven, mate. I’m after an eight or nine.”

Are you a mathematician?

If you hold out for the perfect face, bust, waist, arse and legs, you’re seriously hindering the many opportunities you have to enjoy a deeper love.

I’d found myself dateless for a long time in my twenties. Like many, I’d buried myself into my work and took the tools I’d used there into relationships. I got nowhere. And that’s where most men fuck up. It’s a different job, which requires a different set of tools.

At work, you get rewarded for being selfish. You climb the corporate ladder by meeting short-term targets. The more you knock off, usually, the quicker you climb. And because men can quantify this success, it’s easily identifiable. Love is not so black and white. Women are emotional. You need to be, too.

But you don’t want a girlfriend.

Well, maybe you do, but you don’t act like you do. Perception is a powerful thing.

Someone who wants to be in a loving and committed relationship prioritises this pursuit above all else. You go on a date at the cost of meeting the boys for drinks on Friday night. You sleep less or go to bed earlier in order to date during the week, even though your work is as demanding as fuck. You spend hours emailing, texting, Facebook chatting, calling and talking. This is the work you must put in, and like your paid work, is better when you’re passionate about it.

Looking for love is not like looking for a rental property. It’s not a filtered list and merry-go-round of weekend disappointments.

The fundamental difference is that you actually want to meet a woman, get to know her – who is she? You’re interested and more importantly, you’re interesting.

Leave the childishness back at Mum’s house. A woman’s not going to have a bar of you if you start with caveats.

Be open. Say, yes. Go with the flow on the first date, and see her again if it was nice.

Do yourself a huge favour and think about your mates in long-term relationships who you secretly envy. What is it about those relationships that work?

I have a friend who’s married to a beautiful woman. She’s got a heart of gold and loves him, gets him and cherishes his companionship. They have a kid now and his world, at least on the outside, is picture-perfect. Now, I’m sure they have their ups and downs but I’m also sure he loves her. He gets to share in those magic moments with her: the snuggling, the cooking together, renovating the house, taking their daughter to the playground and dreaming of what else is to come.

Does this sound like something you want?

Well, for a lot of men it doesn’t happen because of the visual stuff – forget the relationship, you’re struggling just to date. His wife, for all her inner beauty, is no Victoria’s Secret model. She’s attractive in her own way, but she’s overweight. Some may say he’s settled. Others may say he’s happy. In reality, it doesn’t matter what anyone says, because he’s found love. He gets it.

That’s not to say attraction is not a contributing factor to love. To say so would be dumb. But let it grow organically. Give her a chance. Give yourself a chance to explore the person in what might turn out to be something awesome that you can share together.

She’s going to get old and so are you. At sixty, her boobs might be at her belly, but your balls are at your ankles. Seriously, wake-the-fuck-up! Perfection doesn’t exist. In fact, any inkling of it is downright boring. You know the women I’m referring to because they’re all over our social media pages: posing on Instagram, arm akimbo, make-up by some upper-middle class braggart – vapid and crying out for male attention. If you’re foolish enough to give it to them, don’t be surprised when they disappoint you in the relationship stakes.

But you don’t want a girlfriend, or do you?

When women aren’t calling you back, not committing when you want commitment, there’s something wrong – and it starts within. Rejection is an opportunity to improve, reflect and have another go.