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Saturday, August 21, 2010

CRASH: Welcome Aboard Hope n' Change Airways

[Another entry by Swede. Comments are warmly invited.]

“Controlled Flight into Terrain” is a designation the National Transportation Safety Board all too frequently uses to explain the cause of an aircraft disaster. This means an accident where highly capable, trained and experienced pilots fly a perfectly good, well equipped and technically sound aircraft into good ol’ terra firma.

The inherent oxymoron of course is…if these folks were in fact “in control” of the aircraft, you’d think they wouldn’t fly it into the ground!?!

But we never put incapable, untrained, and inexperienced pilots behind the controls of airliners. Now, the ship of state...

“Good afternoon non-gender, race, or sexual orientation-specific passengers, this is Captain Soetoro speaking. Welcome aboard BarryAire Flight 44, non-stop service to Unicornia. We realize this is not your preferred destination, but we don’t care. We are flying this thing and we obviously know better than you do where you should go. Due to the change in itinerary, we will require a $21,473.38 increase in your fare, which we are automatically billing to you credit card. You also just purchased flight insurance which covers nothing specific for an unknown sum which we will decide later. Thank you so much for your compulsory cooperation and support.”

“We will be cruising at an altitude of…well geez – there are so many dials and buttons and crap up here, how the hell are we supposed to know? We also have no idea if we have enough fuel. The flight engineer says we need to fly there so we can find out how much fuel we need. If this concerns you, you will find a copy of my epic masterpiece, The Audacity of Hope in the seat pocket in front of you. I hope we make it...and NO you can't change planes.”

“It has come to our attention that many of you have become wee-weed up due to the rapid downward trajectory of the aircraft, as well as the branches and buildings passing by your windows. This is the result of the failed policies of the previous pilot. Please shut up, lower your window shades and leave them closed for the remainder of the flight. Do not bother the flight attendants. The union requires they take a 15 minute break every five minutes. Relax and enjoy the flight, or get the f%& out – we don’t much care. Thank you.”

While I am rather weary of the “We’re sooooo screwed” and “Time for armed insurrection” crowd pervading conservative blogs, the election is less than three months away and – sans hyperbole – this could be the most important election in our history. Dear Leader will be harmless if cut off at the knees by the loss of majorities in Congress. Watch for it. Work for it.