Healing from Child Abuse with God's Help

Feeling the Divide

Earlier today I discovered that someone had used my debit card to steal $139 from my checking account using a website in Toronto, which meant that there was also a $1.11 credit card issuer cross-border fee, because the charge was made in a foreign country. The website was one I had used before, but the last time was over a year ago, so I knew this $140.11 wasn’t mine. So I immediately called my bank and disputed it, which meant I had to cancel the debit card and get a new one.

The lady on the phone told me it would take about ten days for the new card to arrive, as well as ten days for the $140.11 to be restored to my checking account, at which point I told her that I needed the card today, because I had to buy new batteries for my TV remote. The last batteries I bought only lasted one month.

Harrumph!! Lousy batteries!! And I can’t take them back to the store where I purchased them because I don’t have the receipt.

Arrgh!!Rats!!

I have a feeling I indirectly brought this on myself. I’m having a very difficult time making it to church on Sundays. I think I’ve mentioned before that I would make an excellent hermit (I Would Make a Great Hermit), and my hermiting desires are making it extremely difficult for me to do what I know is God’s will and get myself to church every Sunday,

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another ~ and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~ Hebrews 10:24-25, NIV.

I’ve become aware that I’m not requiring enough of myself ~ especially in the area of church attendance. It was kind of like a revelation, and once I understood the problem, I could no longer ignore it. I could no longer skip church on Sundays just because I didn’t feel like going, even if they did live-stream the services ~ which they’d been doing for the last couple of months. I’d been using the fact that they were live-streaming the services as my excuse for not going. As long as I could watch the live-streamed service it was okay if I didn’t attend the service in person. I knew in my heart that I was lying to myself with that excuse, but at least I was hearing the Word being preached.

And then God showed me that I wasn’t requiring enough of myself, and that I had to start going to church again. It was no longer enough to watch the live-streamed service on my computer.

Rats!!

I like staying home! I don’t want to leave my apartment!!

I made it to church for one Sunday after that revelation, but no more after that. After that first Sunday I knew I should continue going, but I just didn’t want to. I could feel myself making a conscious decision to not go ~ to disobey God and His Word,

To go against what you are told is like the sin of witchcraft. Not to obey is like the sin of worshiping false gods. You have turned away from the Word of the Lord. So He has turned away from you being king. ~ 1 Samuel 15:23, NLV (New Life Version).

I knew I was being disobedient, but I couldn’t stomach the idea of leaving my apartment to go to church, so I stayed home, and asked God to forgive me for not going. Basically I used His grace as a convenient crutch, or should I say I abused His grace, something I’m not proud of.

And then the money was stolen from my checking account.

That sequence of events made an immediate connection in my mind. I don’t think God was punishing me for my disobedience, but I think it’s possible that my rebellion might have opened the door for the devil to gain a foothold. So I picked myself up and repented, truly this time.

And no matter how much I don’t want to go, I’ll make myself go to church!

As this whole thing evolved this afternoon and evening, I’ve felt extremely disappointed in myself, and I’ve had a hard time believing that God will protect me from the consequences of my behavior. I know He’s forgiven me, because His Word says He has, but actions have consequences, and I deserve to bear the brunt of those actions. I deserve the consequences. I don’t want them, but I deserve them, and that’s what I’m struggling with now. That and feeling like God is disappointed in me. That right there is very hard for me to deal with. I hate thinking that God could be disappointed in me!

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? ~ Romans 7:24, NKJV.

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About sarahjesusnlily

My name is Sarah Abigail Kuriakos. I come from a background of extreme child abuse, and it almost destroyed my life. My mother tried to kill me while I was an infant, my father threatened to kill me if I told anyone what he was doing to me, and I tried suicide nine times as an adult.
Fortunately, God had other plans, and none of the attempts on my life succeeded. The purpose of this blog is to chronicle the progress I'm making as God heals me from my childhood, while making sure that God is glorified in the process.
I'm a voracious reader, and I enjoy crocheting, doing counted cross stitch, and creating art. I also enjoy playing with my cat Lily, listening to Christian music, and watching movies.
My favorite books are, first and foremost, The Holy Bible, then Jane Eyre, David Copperfield, The Count of Monte Cristo, and To Kill a Mockingbird. I also love Christian apologetics.
The most important thing in my life is knowing and serving Jesus Christ, and telling people about His great love for them. People need to know that God loves them!

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Hi Sarah, Your writings make me think of Psalm 139.
Or -God, you Search me and You know me, You know when I sit, you know when I rise. You search my path and are well acquainted with my ways. But then You shield me. This knowledge is too wondrous for me to take in. You are up in Heaven, beside me; and here in the darkness right by my side. And when I am happy and rise on the wings of Your Spirit, You are still there holding me. And when I tell myself the darkness (or self recrimination) will hide me, You Light up as bright as day. So no recriminations because Lord; You love me, and You lead me, In YOUR ways; which are everlasting.
So Sarah, wrestle God with this idea of letting Him down, and any disappointment you may feel in yourself and know there is no foothold for the enemy as the Son has set you free. And when the Son sets you free – You are well and truly free. Free to be and feel love and be led down the path of life God has for you.
Sorry to anyone about paraphrasing, but that is a long Psalm 🙂

Hi Kim: I love your paraphrase. It’s beautiful! And thank you so, SOOO MUCH for your kind and encouraging words!

Maybe I’m actually letting Harry or my stepdad down when I think I’m letting God down. Maybe I’m projecting onto God the feelings I saw Harry or my stepdad having when I made either of them mad.

Now THAT’S entirely possible!! Understanding that makes it a whole lot easier to differentiate between them and God, especially as concerns their reactions compared to His. God’s reactions I can trust. Theirs I couldn’t, and as a consequence, I was always afraid of them, especially Harry.

God will always respond in ways that are loving and are promoting my good, while Harry only responded in ways that were self-serving for him, and hurtful and angry towards me. Harry was the complete antithesis of God ~ ALWAYS!

Thank you again for your wonderful comments, Kim! Your remarks helped me to work some things out, and I’m very, VERY grateful!!

Also, Happy Belated Birthday!! I hope it was an amazing day!

I love you very much, Kim. You are such a gift from God to me!! Thank you for your kindness, patience, truthfulness, honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty, fun, sense of humor, compassion, empathy, respect, and ability ot put me in touch with God. You are an amazing, wonderful, and beautiful friend!!