Thursday, October 31, 2013

When I logged onto my blog, there were spider webs ALL OVER the screen. There are only two explanations for this:

1. Blogger did a halloween themed desktop

or

2. Its been way to long since I last updated my blog

...I'm thinking it's the latter one.

I just wanted to formally appologize to those of you who were following my blog. I shouldn't stand you up like that. My excuse was that I haven't been as successful with recovery as I have wanted to be, but then I realized that this blog was intended to document my JOURNEY, and a journey doesn't just entail the ups and the smooth sailing, but it also includes the bumps and storms.

I'm sure no one is following this anymore, but I've decided to start writing again for the simple fact that it feels good to get my feelings out, whether or not anyone is listening....okay I take that last part back. I really do hope some of you are still listening, because as much as I do this for myself, I also have a deep compasion for each of you and I pray and pray and PRAY that the things I write about on here can penetrate your hearts. I also hope that this blog can give all of you a refreshing break from the things that you normally see and read about on social media...

Things like:

*How to get flat abs.
*Wrap your body in this saran wrap and lose 30 pounds in one hour! (give me a break)
*Political Party bashing (usually coming from people who know very little about politics).
hm...what else..

*oh yeah, SELFIES. As much as I love those, I wouldn't mind if I never saw another one again.

Okay sorry, that may have been a little harsh. I obviously have beef with social media and I'm sure I'll talk more about that in a later post.

Okay, enough of all that. Now onto the main course (pun intended)

I've been finished with treatment for over 2 months now and I definitely didnt expect things to be this difficult. I had this preconceived idea that once I left The Center for Change, I would be completely "cured" and my life would go back to normal. But I've had a few harsh realities hit me recently and maybe they would be beneficial for some of you to hear (eating disorder or not, I think its applicable to life in general).

1. Someone (or the Center for Change in my case), can give you a box full of really amazing tools that are capable of helping you fix something in your life or can help you reach a certain potential, but if you dont pick up the freaking tool and learn to use it....it will do nothing for you! The hammer isnt going to put the nail in the wall on its own and the wrench isnt going to tighten the bolt by its self. You have to do the work, and sometimes it harder than you want it to be. Sometimes you arent sure which tool to use and you have to think about it for a while. Or sometimes the screw you are trying to take out is stripped and you have to imporivse. I seriously left The Center thinking that all the things I learned were just going to apply themselves naturally. Boy was I wrong. And the longer that my new tool box sat on the shelf, untouched, the further I slipped. There was even a time where I honestly considered going back into treatment. But then I had to wake myself and say "TAY, you don't need anymore tools! You practically have a shed full of them! Just use them!

2. The most important person in my support group is God. But for some reason He's the last person I go to in a hard moment. But I can say that the few times I have gone to Him, I am given strength beyond my own understanding. But every time I try to get through my day and my urges on my own, I fail.

every.

single.

time.

So knowing what I know, why do I keep trying to do it on my own??? Thats a question for all of you guys. Why do we try to go through the hard things on our own when we know we have our Father in Heaven who is ready and willing to take our burdens and make them light? Pride maybe? Or do I just forget to reach out when I'm already over the edge? I honestly dont know. Feel Free to respond.

3. This last one is probalby the most painful realization I have been taught in the past few months. A guy I was dating actually brought it to my attention. It stung when he said it, but it opened my eyes and I'll always thank him for that.
He told me that as long as I have my eating disorder, that will be the priority in my life. Meaning that he, my family, God, and my friends will always come second.
Man was that hard to hear. I remember losing it in my car after that conversation. A tsunami of tears covered my face as I thought about the truthfulness of what he said. For the past 4 and a half years, God, my family, and my friends have all come second to my eating disorder. The people that would move mountains for me have taken the back seat to something that brings me nothing but shame, regret and misery. How messed up is that? ugh. makes me sick.

So anyway, theres a few things for you to think about. I hope they can shed some light on any trials/addictions/struggles that you might be facing.