I am starting a YouTube channel to help guide people through basics of conflict resolution, using bite sized videos. Less than two minutes of your time per video and you'll have all the tools you need to be productive going forward. If you practice, rehearse and evaluate yourself after listening and viewing the videos, you will be a pro in no time.

First: Please keep in mind that when I value a relationship, I am more likely to confront. If I don't care about a relationship, you won't find as much conflict, people simply avoid.

Is it worth it for me to gather my thoughts, suffer through the angst, screw up my courage and have a difficult conversation?

I think in this relationship, it is worth our while to see if we can fix a pattern I have noticed. I want you to know how your behavior affects me and would like to know how mine affects you.

​"Intimacy" implies getting to know each other and letting the other person know us. Is your confrontation an invitation to get to know me or am I venting my anger on you and blaming you for the problem?

Does your Divorce Mediator help you learn how to make better joint decisions so that in the future, you won't need as much outside help?

In September, I am training the Upstate NY Divorce Mediation Community how to apply Game Theory in a way that transforms family law without having to pass a whole slew of laws. How you approach the game, changes the game...

Applying Game Theory To Divorce MediationGame theory is all about strategic decision making and making sure systems are in place to take advantage of strategy. By applying the principles of game theory to divorce mediation, we can redefine the rules and payoff structure to create a process in which the most rational strategy to achieve goals is cooperative behavior.

During this extended and interactive session, Don Boice, LCSWR, will address key elements of game theory including:- Ten myths

- Process standards (from small and simple to big and complex, always focusing on values)

- Content standards (taking turns negotiating proposals, how to look out for both parties, bargaining/negotiating the best deal for the family‘s long-term life goals)- Information management (complete, verifiable, how to build trust, how to include screening and signaling)

- Decision-making procedures for the future (What guides those decisions and why?)

23-It’s Not Cool To Avoid Confrontation You’re out and about, having a great day, when you get the dreaded, “We need to talk” text from your partner. A million things go through your head and in the end, you decide to ignore the text for as long as possible. Out of sight, out of mind…right? Well, not always. In fact, it’s not even sometimes. Most of the time, this just builds anxiety. Don’t stress over what your partner could be talking about. Just meet up, talk, and find out for yourself. Men tell me that they’d rather have bamboo shoots shoved under their nails than have the “We need to talk” conversation.22-Playing The Victim 100% Of The Time Isn’t Cool EitherIt’s really easy to pretend you did nothing wrong so you’re just the victim in every circumstance that ever pops up in your relationship. The thing is, if you want to have a real partnership, you’ve got to admit when you make mistakes. Not everything can possibly be your partner’s fault – you’ve got to own up to the mistakes you make or the misunderstandings you created. No one wants to stick with a perpetual victim, or worse – someone with a victim mentality. Besides, whoever is the victim, makes the other the perpetrator. The victim in your situation is likely not 100% innocent and blameless, despite what they say. I don’t know about you, but if someone tells me they are the victim and they want me to play the role of the perpetrator, I’m not happy.

21-It’s Ok To Be Wrong Sometimes As crazy as it might sound, no, you’re not always right. Your partner may yield to your whims more often than not, but that doesn’t mean your decision to spend your entire paycheck on a new wardrobe was a good idea – it just meant that your partner is crazy patient and open to looking past your propensity to spend money you really shouldn’t. Remember this when your next argument comes up – are you willing to listen to what he has to say or are you giving him an ultimatum? Don’t back your relationship into a corner and just admit that sometimes you’re capable of making mistakes too. Psst, did you know that not everyone apologizes the same way? If you go to the five languages of love.com website, there is an apology profile tab. Take the quiz and see what type of apology you prefer to receive. It can raise your own self awareness and challenge you to give an apology geared to the receiver. Oh, and “I’m sorry that you feel that way,” isn’t an apology, but it can fool some people. “I am sorry I did x and that it hurt,” is much better.

​Imagine asking your partner for something you consider reasonable. They tell you they will do their best and cannot seem to do it. You realize it will never happen the way you want and you have to decide whether or not it is a deal breaker. They try to talk you into staying, saying they will change. After all, they just told you they were all in. Deep inside, you don’t believe they will but you don’t want to be alone or you think they have so many redeeming qualities that it is worth it to overlook.

A month passes and that simple thing grows into a deal breaker. The “all in” was what they wanted to do, not what they actually did. You know it is not going to change and you don’t want to be a complainer, harping on things that cannot change. What do you do?

If it is a deal breaker, you break the deal. It really is that straightforward. Stop overthinking it, please.

If it is not a deal breaker, you get yourself together and focus on things that put you in a good mood. When you are in a good mood, you have more emotional resources at your disposal and, you’re in a good mood! Oh, and when you’re in a good mood, have you noticed that the mood of others around you seems to be impacted? Not sure there’s a downside to focusing on the positive, after you’ve acknowledged the negative or neutral and realized what is in your control.

“I know I need time to debrief myself after a hellish day at work. I’m an introvert, but you ask me to rush home to be with you. I want to be with you and cuddle and talk. I rush home to be with you and you are exhausted by the time I get there (20 minutes). I was disappointed that I didn’t get what I needed and you got what you needed (me home) and I want you to have my back when you say to rush home to you."

If you had to guess, the next time she asks him to sacrifice his needs for hers, what is going to go through his mind?

Will he sell himself out repeatedly and over accommodate or will he make sure his needs are met?

Go ahead and have the courage to address the situation.Practice being brave and saying what you need to say in a good way.

To get even more from it, try this from Ken Cloke, “Clarify and reinforce what was learned from the conflict, and use it to improve and evolve to higher levels of conflict and resolution. Move the conversation toward forgiveness and reconciliation.”

What you are looking for is a change, a need to be met. How you ask for it is important. Would you be willing to...is a great way to start that conversation, asking for what you need.

​Here’s another one I hear quite a bit, in my words to protect the speaker,“I get that life happens and it is also true that there is a penalty imposed for getting close to you. I am wary of getting close to you because you don’t seem to like it. You talk about how much you’re looking forward to seeing me at night and cuddling etc.

You repeat that you can’t wait -a couple times (which I understand to mean something different than you mean). Those words have begun to push me away because I have associated them with what invariably happens next. Nothing. You seem bored that I am there. You barely talk to me and you interrupt when I talk. What exactly were you looking forward to? I got my hopes up that we could have a good conversation, kiss, cuddle etc and it is frustrating to not be able to trust that what you say is going to happen, will happen. I’d like to talk about our cycle of doing this.”

Please ask yourself, do your words and actions match?When you say something, do you follow through?If you change your mind about what you said or promised, how do you communicate that to your partner?If you are now tired, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, how do you let them know?

Along those lines, people are always asking about the dating world and how it works. First, keep your word. If people find out that your word is not good, the rest is not going to help.​Two keys to dating are agreeableness and conscientiousness.Are you aggressive or agreeable?Are you conscientious and considerate of the other person, anticipating needs they will have and tuned in or is it too much to ask?Are you so busy with what is going on in your world, that you have become self-absorbed and have no time for your loved one?