Bad, bad, BAD banana read (in a good way)

I need to get this thing all typed up and in your face before I assume Beached Whale pose and let the cat deal with any crumbs I may have left on my face, arms or knees (I can’t really move to check, but knowing me, knee crumbs are totally possible). This is due to one too many slices of banana loaf cake amazing bad-goodness being in my face.

Blog in your face, cake in mine: hardly fair, but there’s a recipe herein so that you too can be a banana bread beached whale in about an hour’s time, should you so desire.

You SO desire – trust me. I lie about my credit card balance, but I never lie about important things.

Like cake.

All you need to know is that I’ve been fiending for banana bread for a few weeks now and I finally decided to take matters into my own hands and make some myself.

My hands can do pretty awesome things with matters that are taken into them.

Everyone’s hands should know where the box of desiccated coconut is. Fact.

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, oats, coconut, both sugars, baking powder, bicarb soda, cinnamon and salt. (I emphasise the ‘both’ there because brown sugar is frequently in the wet ingredients category. Go wild, bung it in with the dry stuff.) Set aside.

In a medium bowl, mix together the yogurt, banana, eggs, butter and vanilla until evenly combined.

Pour the wet mixture into the bowl of dry ingredients and mix together until evenly combined.

Fold in the chocolate chips. (Pro tip: shake them up in some flour first; it helps them cling to the batter and not all sink to the bottom during baking. I forgot this step because I’m not perfect today for some reason… Today I’m a whale instead.)

Another major pro tip: Make sure you’re wearing your glasses when checking the recipe. I know they steam up when you open the oven door, but we’re not worried about oven doors right now, we’re worried about the difference between a 1/4 cup of chocolate chips and a 3/4 cup of chocolate chips. I did say major, didn’t I…

Pour the finished batter into your prepped loaf tin and bake for 45 to 50 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out clean.

The loaf will need to rest for about 10 to 15 minutes before you can slice it.

You will then get one look at/whiff of it and go into some sort of trance after which some cake will be missing, your cat will have taken a sudden interest in you and you will feel so. very. absurdly. happy… Apart from suddenly not being able to move.

I got through two pieces of this thing before beaching myself. And you know what? I did it for YOU.

I was gleefully cramming warm-from-oven bits of oaty, ‘nanna-y, chocolatey loaf into my gob when I suddenly thought: with all this recipe hacking and experimentation, what if one day the combination of ingredients is poison? You know? So, you see, I had to finish that first tasting piece right off. After a while, muzzy with bliss and still arguably alive, I thought: what if I had created a cakey poison, but the deadliness is dependent on volume – like the whole eating-x-number-of-bananas will kill you thing.

So I had a second piece.

And here I am typing about it.

I risked my life to bring you (probably) not poisoned cake.

You are so completely welcome.

Now, seriously, I must be horizontal for a bit – let the banana bread settle and all that.

Am making digestive room for some ramen with crunchy fried onion crinklies in… See, I’ve heard a rumour that MSG is dangerous or something, and who am I not to investigate?