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Friday, May 20, 2011

Friday, May 20, 2011

"All of our works here tonight have been created by world-renowned artists, and are available for sale for far more than you can possibly afford. So, let's begin.

"Our first piece was painted by Japanese artist Noh Wei using traditional oils. Her inspiration was taken from the ocean, mother earth, and the organic nature of the gore splatters in Bikini Slasher Kill Zone 4: Revenge of the Waxers"

"It sells for $490,000.

"Our next piece comes from Swedish craftsman Joques Onyu. Joques spent three years in isolation to focus on this masterpiece, during which time he subsisted solely on prune juice and Ranch flavored Bugles."

"It sells for $893,000.

"The much lauded Yuki Grohs is known for her daring and unconventional techniques. This piece, for example, was constructed using squeeze mayo while the artist was blindfolded and spinning around on a wheelie office chair."

"It sells for $10 million.

"Another avant-garde darling of the art world, the 'Do' Dude uses his trademark combination of gold leaf and 'personal bodily secretions' to both shock and intrigue viewers."

"This mixed-media masterpiece sells for 11.2 million.

"Please feel free to browse the rest of our gallery, where you'll find even more distinguished masterworks, such as:

'Summer Daisies for Janet'

$7.5 million

'Grilled Cheese Electric Chair'$27.5 million

'The Existential Possibilities of Finding Lucky Charms in June While Wearing Rubber Galoshes and a Fez'$17.5 million

The coffee cake with icing looks like it was created in 1997, left in the cupboard under the sink, and just rediscovered now. A side benefit of this is that the bluish mold might be penicillin, so it'll cure what ails you!

Those titles were hilarious! I kept laughing as I kept reading. Then I came to "Texas 6.66 million". My boss just looked over at me funny - must stop laughing like a rabid hyena amped up on Mountain Dew/Monster energy cocktails.

The second cake could be used as a sex-ed visual for the lesson on STDs. The little squiggles are viruses. Tell me what they are attacking and you pass the quiz.

I think Katherine S is right. That is a king cake, but it had a different color scheme before Mardi Gras. Now they are letting Mother Nature do the decorating. If you're wondering if it's the same toxic mold they found in houses after Hurricane Katrina, yes it is! Good eye!

Wow... I actually went to art school, and while there were talented people, there were also a lot of hipsters who created shite EXACTLY LIKE THIS. In fact, I think they may have used the same names for some of their pieces!

As someone who is supposed to be getting a distinguished degree in the field of art history, I shouldn't be laughing as hard as I am. But this is payback to all of my colleagues in the contemporary fields who told me my field wasn't "art."

Well, this was just waaaay too funny today -- on so many levels...you've out done yourselves, and thank you for that! It's taken me 30 minutes to stop laughing enough to be able to comment...

These cakes are priceless (well, actually you've priced them....)and the comments even more so!

That second cake...maybe it's me, but I think it's a little suggestive...well, actually, a lot suggestive...nah, it's downright dirty.... And the last cake looks like something that if you see on you...or from you, should make you call your doctor immediately....

I was going to complain about how the Japanese name looks Chinese or Korean and the Swedish name French. Then I understood No Way and Yucky Gross. Joques Onyu is still a mystery to me. Anyone wanna help the non-native English speaker?

WV: cyclami. I don't have the language skills to see what it might mean, but it looks like a word in some language.

Yes, Common Nonsense,they are Almond Roca. One of my very favorite candies, which I ask for every Christmas, but never get...My late husband used to refer to them as "cat turds" since without the golden wrappers they are even worse, they are brown and rolled in crushed nuts ala cat litter! To think someone might have bought these! (On the "Your" issue...we saw a pack of invitations at a huge party store the other day. "Your invited to..." You would think a printer would have a spell check, if not the baker!

@Anu - from a native American-speaker (hate to call it English)- I did not get the "yucky gross"! I could not make my brain stop pronouncing the first name "yoo-ky". Thank you for clearing that up!

Art attacks, indeed. I laughed so hard I ended up sort of choking, especially when I came to "'Texas' $6.66 million". And I'm sitting here in my office deep in the heart of Texas writing this comment - the humor is definitely NOT wearing off- it's getting better!

As an artist who has dedicated my life to creating works to challenge the ignorant, I am not surprised by your hateful comments. Not everyone can be open minded enough to open their minds in an open way to the true beauty hidden in these works. These "cakes,"as you call them, are a true and honest representation of the multi-cultural, inter-faith, chocolate-covered, beauty that can be found within each and every one of us. Your comments can only be a result of self loathing. I'd loathe you all, too, but I'm too open minded and gifted for that.

The first thing I thought of when I saw the second cake was tapeworms... which made me think of Flukeman from X-Files... And given Flukeman's obsession with toilets and sewage, you'd think he'd love the golden poo cake.... There's got to be a joke somewhere that can tie all of these together but I can't quite think of one :)

Ranch flavored bugles made me choke on the moon pie I was eating, and Grilled Cheese Electric Chair made me spit it out all over my keyboard. A novice CW reader mistake, I know, but would it be ok if I give my IT guy your number? I don't think he's gonna understand why I need a new keyboard unless he speaks to you directly.

'The Existential Possibilities of Finding Lucky Charms in June While Wearing Rubber Galoshes and a Fez' reminds me of "Ode to a small lump of green putty I found in my armpit one summer morning". And would probably have a rather similar effect to Vogon poetry, actually... ;-)

WV: hyleelv - the squeal one makes while strapped into a Vogon Poetry Appreciation Chair

Anonymous said...>> The first thing I thought of when I saw the second cake was tapeworms... which made me think of Flukeman from X-Files... And given Flukeman's obsession with toilets and sewage, you'd think he'd love the golden poo cake.... There's got to be a joke somewhere that can tie all of these together but I can't quite think of one :)<<

Thanks to the CW team and (most of) the comment-taters for the laughs. Laughs help.

I plan to eat Almond Roca while wearing a fez. In *Texas*, where the humor never wears off (which ought to be the new slogan of the Texas tourism bureau). Because America.

@Katherine S: Could be. I detect signs of deep-frying as well, but I have another theory, to which I will get.

Prints of most of these can be found in a collection compiled by art historian W.T.F. Izzit, a pseudonym he took on hearing most people's reaction to modern 'art'.

Note in passing: @SuBee, I second John's... er, that is, I agree with his response.

#4 (not slacking, just short on time): Doesn't look sanitary, even apart from the resemblance.

#5 Ah, the bygone fads of yesterday: cakes that make some kind of sense, food safety... I have seen these berries (?) on ornamental plants and always assumed they were poisonous. Maybe embedding them in frosting makes them safe to eat. Yeah, that's the ticket!

#6 The ever-popular cake-blot test. Does it mean 'therapy needed' if you can tell what it is or if you cannot? I can't keep that straight.

#8 It does look like Texas.

#9 Needs beads and some (literal) gold leaf. Maybe grab those off #4. In the interest of truth-in-labeling, I would have crossed out 'icing' and written 'mold'.

Ok, first of all, I nearly peed myself I was laughing so hard. Joques Onyu... OMG. However, I think that Do Dude was using Almond Roccas... which in no way forgives the application but at least the hope is that something truly tasty is in the... do do... that didn't come out right... oh dear.

wv - psinguat: a method of producing, collecting, embellishing, and displaying feces or other excrement, for use in works of art or (rarely) other forms of personal, political, and/or social expression.

@zacharyk: that is like one of my absolute favorite moments of doctor who (i mean, other than watching rose and captain jack totally destroy a bunch of daleks in the stolen earth) because someone had to do it, and who better than river bahahahaha! (and, yes, i said fezzes are cool as well earlier (but not as cool as bowties... or stetsons... or... from last saturday.... bunkbeds......))

wv: serse: are they serse about this freaking art?!?!?!?!?! coming from an art major, come on, really. sersely? (i think i will say serse from now on instead of serious when i text lol)

You are genii! This post is spacey-wacey! Also, HHGTTG and Doctor Who? Can't beat it. Also also I love how there are so many Doctor Who fans in the US! Hailing from Scotland, here =D Silence will fall... yet another paradox - it cannot while you are making the world destroy their keyboards! Wreck on! _l,,l <<*rock hand*

Just have to say it--over 100 posts and no one has pointed out that the "lucky charms" are rabbit shaped marshmallows made just for Easter. Obviously, finding those in June, with or without a Fez, is a feat!

@SuBee: (who posits:)"Not everyone can be open minded enough to open their minds in an open way to the true beauty hidden in these works."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I see your point, dear, but it's been a long day, and I am simply too tired to do THAT much OPENING! If that *beauty* wants to stay hidden, I say, let's jolly well LET it.

And to this:

"...multi-cultural, inter-faith, chocolate-covered, beauty that can be found within each and every one of us."

I put forth my own philosophy of life (no thanks necessary--keep the change):

"Life is, and always will be, a crap shoot; a multi-colored, inter-breeding, pheromone-covered melange that can be found within each and every back alley ...especially when the *heat* is on (or in). HAVE YOUR PETS SPAYED AND NEUTERED!"

(message from a "family" member): Heeeyyyyy....wait just a cotton pickin' minute here. Somepin's rotten in SplüüRff.Somebody gettin a cut the rest of us suckers don't know about?Look, you're tryin to tell me that 'Grilled Cheese Electric Chair' number is goin off at $27.5 million, right? NOT that he aint worth it dont get me wrong. He'd better be! But the odds sticker itsself says $14.97!!!! Whats up with that, huh? You know sumpin i don't know, and its buggin me. My bookie told me go with the big money entry, and I did. Man...I take a bath on this somebody's gonna wake up with a big hunk of "Grilled Cheese Electric Chair" in their bed with the frosting all over everything.

HILARIOUS!!! This made my day! A friend and I used to go to a modern art gallery just to laugh at all the craziness passing for "art" - the best ever experience being a "special exhibit" that was up a separate flight of stairs, and when we reached the top, we found the entire room full of identical black canvases... We got several dirty looks from the security people when we felt the need to document the craziness with pictures and a video...

By the way, the "artist" of the Texas one totally fails, because it does actually look like Texas. (I was thinking like airplane view where you can see all the fields...?)

The captions are particularly brilliant today. And that they can apply to much of what's in more than a few modern art museums and galleries is even better. And the word play with the names-- well, I'm very glad that I learned long, long ago to never ever EVER eat or drink anything while reading your posts. (@Lori, in my case it was having to explain the morning trying-to-hide-the-guffaws. Now the whole team hopes for wrecks every time we order a cake. Sadly, the Costco near us is too competent).

And SuBee-- that was a brilliant post. The commenters are in particularly fine form today!

Texas-- nope, we're not tired of the jokes. Plus it does look like it!

Did Janet follow up those summer daisies with an ax-murderer interactive installation?

Tape worms getting attacked. yup. The squiggles are starting to look like people or something. and I do have to say I rather liked the first cake. It's kind of like some real art pieces of seen, and liked. oy vey, I've gone off the deep end. Or seriously need some sleep…

WV "motthi". I don't know what's the motthi with some of these wreckerators

"The Existential Possibilities of Finding Lucky Charms in June While Wearing Rubber Galoshes and a Fez" would be the absolute greatest idea for a new Doctor Who episode ever (if for no other reason then to see a scene where The Doctor ponders the many mysteries of Lucky Charms while wearing his bowtie, his fez AND a pair of yellow rain boots)

P.S. Speaking of Doctor Who, it looks like that last cake was involved in many extremely brutal fights with The Silence.

I mentioned your comment to my husband and he got quite enthused about the idea. He thought it would be a perfect intro--you know, where the Doctor is galloping around in a field with yellow galoshes and his fez on, muttering to himself something like "Why, they aren't REALLY lucky charms, they're just cereal!" and then the actual adventure begins, and you never hear what he was doing in that field. Something to tickle the imagination. I think maybe he thinks too much about Doctor Who.

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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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