Can?t Touch This

Can?t Touch This

I’m totally in love with my Hitachi Magic Wand. But I’m… worried… that it’s ruined me for all other sex. I use the high speed on my wand and that’s usually the only way I can come. Not only do I want to vary masturbation techniques and explore other forms of stimulation, but I want to be able to reach orgasm with a partner without feeling like I have to break out the effing jackhammer every time. What do I do?!

–Jackie Hammer

First, Ms. Hammer, don’t give one more shame-filled thought to the idea that your fondness for your Hitachi will “ruin” you. The popular idea that we will be ruined by our extreme enjoyment of our sex toys is closely related to the cultural slut-shaming of sexually self-satisfying women, the fear that mere toys can replace flesh-and-blood partners, and the common misconception that we can become addicted to the instant gratification of an easy orgasm as if it were sold by the gram. Knowing how to get yourself off consistently and efficiently is nothing to fear, Ms. Hammer! In fact, many women would probably envy your situation.

For said women who are (un)blissfully unaware, The Hitachi Magic Wand is the mother of all vibrators. It’s the President of Vibrator City and the Mayor of Vibratorsville. Originally designed as a “back massager,” the Hitachi is pants-down the strongest vibrator ever. However, it’s also bulky, as long as my arm, only has two speeds, requires being plugged into the wall with a 12-foot cord and is known for blowing up foreign electrical sockets. In a modern world full of sleek and sophisticated “personal massagers,” the Hitcahi’s an elephant in a ballet class. (For more, see last year’s column “Hitachi Me Baby One More Time,” November 10, 2011).

Now Ms. Hammer, you say you’re in love with your Hitachi, but I’d say it sounds like this is more of a marriage of convenience than true, undying love. Those of us blessed with the knowledge of how to regularly pop our own rocks usually have an ol’ trusty way we know how to do this, whether it’s a preference of position, toy or type of stimulation, but this doesn’t mean we love this method. It’s just easy.

And despite what mainstream pornos insinuate, these faithful fall-backs are usually far from graceful or sexy and our weapons-of-choice aren’t always pink, petite or bejeweled. When it comes to orgasms: the uglier, the better. Guttural moans, filthy phrases, muscle spasms and, in your case, the roar of the Hitachi leaf-blower all make for a hideously pleasurable crime-scene. And that’s fine. But it’s also annoying when your reliable release method involves a true beast like the Hitachi and it can be concerning when you feel like you’re a one-trick pony. But you’re probably not a one-trick pony, Ms. Hammer—you’re just an impatient pony. The Hitachi gets you off, quick, but it’s not the only way. You just need to practice patience when it comes to exploring your options.

I wish I could’ve rigged this giveaway to hook you up with the mightily powerful yet cute-and-rechargeable Jimmy Jane Form 2, because I feel like you’d get along swimmingly. Other vibes that put an updated spin on the strong, rumbling vibration of the Hitachi are the JeJoue Mimi, the We-Vibe Tango and the new Lelo Smart Wand, which updates the look and feel of the Hitachi with cordless rechargeability, a sleek ergonomic bend to make partner play easier, and eight vibration patterns.

Before involving partners in your potentially frustrating quest to diversify, stick to masturbation. Use your Hitachi to a point and then switch to a different method before you climax. Try physical positions that mimic Hitachi-esque pressure. Don’t hold other methods to the Hitachi standard. Slow down, be patient and accept that nothing else will get you off in under five minutes. Also, check out the Liberator Axis positioning pillow, which stows the Hitachi in a special pocket for more subtle, hands-free use.

And if all else fails, there’s nothing wrong with giving in, bringing your raunchy romp to a sudden halt and just yelling, “Stop! It’s Hammer time!” In fact, I really wish you would.•