For years I have mourned, ranted and raged about what SA stole from me. My childhood that everyone one of us should have; without, fear, shame, guilt or obsessive behaviors. By calling what happened theft I truly believed that it was gone forever and that by doing this I played right into the hands of all the shit-heads I have come across; both as a victim and later as a hustler and even more later when re-enacting all the shit. My childhood was not STOLEN. That little boy and teenager who expected so much from life is still inside me. He has just been in prison. This prison was created by my perpetrators and customers and now I know that the door to this prison was carefully guarded by myself. MY GOD when I thing about it I could just puke my guts out. I aided and abetted those perverts. And that is exactly what they wanted. Just as John's perps used his sexual orientation against him or what any of them did to any and all of us. Talk about a brain wash. And WE all fell for it. Well I shouldn't say that without posting a poll. But I dont even know how to show one of Waumei's pics, let alone a moving one. That little boy and teenager has been kept in the dark for far to long. It is time for him to start to enjoy that which was his right. I am not delaying it any more. I guess that is why I am doing stuff for both of us. At 62 I should not be crashing down a hill on a bike or sailing in the air on a snowboard or any of the othe hair brained things I do. But now I really know why I am doing it. It is for the little me inside. the joy of watching children play, the smell of honest sweat in a fitness club, the cleansing heat of a shower afterwards, the smell of spring the sharpness of winter. I hope I dont sound crazy but if I do so what. It feels good. All of this started as selfish stuff for me alone but guess who is getting the biggest kick out of it. Yes I am a survivor and yes I have spent to long in the darkness of my prison but goddammint not any more. That little guy inside is having to much fun. And do you know something else I really that boy. He and I are gonna cram as much fun into the time I have left that it will seem a lifetime. DO YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW WHAT STARTED THIS F**KING REVELATION FOR ME. It was someone else. I cannot find the post right now cause I am either to stupid to find it or too excited to bother or none of the above. But it had to do with Brian's Picture and what someone else was gonna do. I ranted and raved and said that the probable outcome would be silence. Whoever you are YOU MY BROTHER HAD THE MOST PROFOUND AFFECT OT THIS SORR ASSHOLE (past tense). You said in effect ssome are doers and some are content to sit on the sidelines and rant. YOU GOT ME OFF MY ASS. For once in my life I really took control. In another post I shared my letter with you all. Or as my american southern brothers would say Y'all. I hope you can all understand the immense load that came off my shoulders when I actually mailed those letters. Boy the fat is now in the fire and you know something I feel great about it. Expectations. I dont have a lot but now I am started and will not stop. Chey-we you are doing it too my brother. Isn't it great. VICTIMS NO LONGER. The little me and I are together for the first time I can remember and by god it is going to be quaite a party let me tell you. A whole heap of guilt has been pushed out of the way and I will beat the crap out of it if it returns. NOW I said, and you know who you are, that someone kick started me. That is not quite true. Each and every one of you my BROTHERS have played a very important role in this. What a feeling. No more hand wringing. I am gonna grab life and the system by the balls, and I hope you all do. There is nothing that an insane bunch of BROTHERS THAT I HAVE CANNOT ACCOMPLISH. The music posts help. Brian, have you listened to Beethovens Ninth. Especially the ode to joy. The humour about sleeping pills causing drowsiness and a laxative giving you diarreah (cant spell worth a damn) have helped. The poetry make me want to cry. But I have made a promise to myself. Yeh I cry a lot. As someone says I cry at the opeing of another walmart. Hell I cant watch the Bell long distance adds. But when I cry I will try not to let the tears be of frustration or pain but of the joy of life and the lives we are all gonna lead. I hope you guys dont think I am high on chemicals. I am high on the realease the letter posting gave me and the high of trying to introduce myself the the little me who has been in prison for soo sooo long. Please forgive the mispelling I dont do shit like that stuff well. Ime gonna close now cause I am starting to ramble. I just want you all to share in the knowledge that it was not STOLEN just postponed. My only advice is to do something, anything that is just for you, and by doing it it is really for all of us here. I think it was an american hero John Paul Jones who said. "Surrender". Sir I have just begun to figth.

I was in the process of sending you a private message and wanted to reference something you had said. So I went back to the board and found this post. I think you are right we all gain strength from one another.

The way that the system deals with S A ...especially Male sexual assault ..... is disgusting. The way women were treated in the past ..."well she must have wanted it" .... is the same thing that is happening to us. What is disturbing to the powers that be is that we are finally speaking up ...... and they don't know how to deal with it. They wish we would ge back in the closit .... or like so many of us have done ... supress our memories. The more we speak up the smaller the problem will become. Sure it will seem larger at first .... but only because more and more survivors will start coming forward. I have seen this just in the short time I have been a member here. The more we get the word out there about the wonderful organization, the larger it will become.

The only thing that bothers me is .... I am glad Male Survivor is growing but every day I watch the welcome to our newest member and watch the number grow. Every time it grows it saddens me to think that one more person has suffered the hell we all have. But then I remember all the wonderful friends that I have met in here and think about all the friends I will make in the future and that frown turns into a smile

On a lighter note. Your statement

Quote:

Or as my american southern brothers would say Y'all

That reminded me of a joke I heard the other day.

Do you know the difference between and Norther Fairy tale and a Southern Fairy tail?

MikeI hope you don't mind but I've brought this post onto this forum from the Book forum, I thought it deserved a bigger audience than it might have got there.

And please ignore the "message edited by Lloydy" at the bottom of Mike's post, I haven't touched it, it got there when I moved it that's all.

Quote:

I just want you all to share in the knowledge that it was not STOLEN just postponed. My only advice is to do something, anything that is just for you, and by doing it it is really for all of us here.I think it was an american hero John Paul Jones who said. "Surrender". Sir I have just begun to figth.

I can understand this so completely Mike, the older I get - the dafter I get.And I love it.At out 4x4 Club Christmas party, never a quite event, I used to sit to one side and just drink too much. But since I've been recovering I'm up there doing all the stupid party games and having a hell of a time, I barely have time to drink, well I have a few. And it's pretty much the same for every other thing I do, I've become so much more extrovert that people I haven't seen for years have commented on it. It was probably there all the time, just postponed.

Make way, the new me's coming through Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.Henry David Thoreau

This topic reminds me of this poem by Langston Hughes. Just change the word Dream to Life.

Quote:

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?Does it dry upLike a raisin in the sun?Or fester like a sore--And then run?Does it stink like rotten meat?Or crust and sugar over--like a syrupy sweet?Maybe it just sagslike a heavy load.Or does it explode?

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

John I loved the joke. I dont know how many canadians you have come across but I will tell you how we are recognized south of us here. We will say "Boy its a great day eh! Thats right eh!. Did you see that eh! I laugh at myself every time I use it eh! It is as if we are seeking confirmation that we are right eh! Thought you might get a kick out of this eh!!Take care my brother.

Mike It was me and the post was NEVER HIDE IN THE SILENCE. Here is my reply to you.

Quote:

Mike

quote:------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry for the rant but you hit a nerve ending. I like the poster and the idea but I am terribly frustrated at the likely outcome. Real change comes from the top in a democratic society. it may take a revolution of sorts and that, as we know, starts at the bottom. And BROTHERS WE ARE THE BOTTOM CAUSE WE LIVE WITH IT EVERY DAY,When will the light shine through. ------------------------------------------------------------------------YES MIKE it does take a f***** revolution of sorts BUT I AM ready to begin that F****** REVOLUTION. You can stand on the side and RANT or you can come join us in OUR time for ACTION.Muldoon

Glad to see you are moving forward with you healing Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

Wuamei
Member
Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

Quote:

My childhood was not STOLEN. That little boy and teenager who expected so much from life is still inside me. He has just been in prison. This prison was created by my perpetrators and customers and now I know that the door to this prison was carefully guarded by myself. MY GOD when I thing about it I could just puke my guts out. I aided and abetted those perverts. And that is exactly what they wanted.

Mike, what a powerful & true to life metaphor! Like many of us here, I could have written those words about me! It does make me puke my guts out! But guess where I'm pukin 'em? All over my damn perps!

Quote:

That little boy and teenager has been kept in the dark for far to long. It is time for him to start to enjoy that which was his right. I am not delaying it any more. I guess that is why I am doing stuff for both of us.

Good for you! Ditto for me!

Jailbreak!

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The little me and I are together for the first time I can remember and by god it is going to be quaite a party let me tell you.

For me this really began with my December ride on the Central Park carousel of my childhood.

Party on!

Quote:

My only advice is to do something, anything that is just for you, and by doing it it is really for all of us here.

Yes. If apathy & despair can be contagious, then so can positive action & joyous activity!

Quote:

I think it was an american hero John Paul Jones who said. "Surrender". Sir I have just begun to figth.

Wuamei
Member
Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

Quote:

The way that the system deals with S A...especially Male sexual assault...is disgusting. The way women were treated in the past..."well she must have wanted it"...is the same thing that is happening to us. What is disturbing to the powers that be is that we are finally speaking up...and they don't know how to deal with it. They wish we would ge back in the closit...or like so many of us have done... supress our memories. The more we speak up the smaller the problem will become. Sure it will seem larger at first...but only because more and more survivors will start coming forward.

John, I so agree. Another thing that's disturbing about this is that many of the powers that be are women. Sadly, and as we've talked about before, many women who have suffered SA remain victimsin victim mode, as do their organizations forthe sexually abused.

When sexually abused women see themselves as victims, they often see all women as victims and all men as victimizers. They cannot get clear to see men as victims.

This is tragic, becuz we men could learn from what women have already gone thru, while both men & women support one another in what they both still go thru.

Fortunately this is happening more & more, the more men like us get "out of the closet and break the silence," "One Voice" at a time, many voices coming together, in that survivor song of victory!

Muldoon thank you for delivering the good swift kick to my ass EH (eh is canadiana at its most primiive but says a lot about our seeking confirmation as a mation) Maybe we should all use EH to get confirmation.Lloyd thanks for getting this out of Books. I really should sit down and go through FAQ on this web site.Lets have a whole bunch of the little us getting the chance for some real fun.

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