The Apprentice’s ninth series may have so far failed to produce anything momentously moronic – but last week’s farm shop task produced some stinkers befitting of a silage pit in high summer.

The teams were sent off with instructions to set up organic outlets from which to flog arable goods to townies at drastically marked-up prices – you know, the kind of places where you’re charged a fiver for a couple of skinny carrots just because they’ve still got dirt from the field on them.

However, Jordan – little fella, big suit – clearly thought it best his team go for the high-end of the market from the very start, recalling how popular ostrich burgers used to be when he was still at school.

Blimey, mate, where did you do your learning? I was schooled in the Valleys and the most exotic item ever to make it onto our canteen menu was honeydew melon.

They only appeared the one time, mind, and probably wouldn’t have turned up at all if the bloke ordering the stock hadn’t broken his glasses that morning and mistaken them for large apples.

And, to prove my point about the Welsh being notorious under-reachers, the best idea Alex – who’s from Tondu – could come up with was a shop selling cheese on toast.

That’s my boy, Alex – aim high, reach for the stars and all that.

Elsewhere, he yelled “I’m from Wales, I am!” at a female dairy farmer, presumably in the hope that somehow it might earn him a big discount off the price of the 50 or so litres of milk he needed to buy.

And it may have done, had he not then failed spectacularly to work out what half of £17 was – “It’s so simple, I’ve just forgotten, that’s all,” he flustered, turning bright red.

But at least he knew a cow when he saw one, unlike team mate Natalie who walked up to a field full of them and cheerfully exclaimed, “Oh, look at these horses. Wait, I mean dogs. Oh, what are they called? Cows, that’s it!”

Meanwhile, make-up brand owner Uzma Yakoob – clearly a woman who likes to take her work home with her, before applying all of it onto her face at once with a trowel – admitted she was embarrassed at having to sell her team’s range of milkshakes on the street.

Bloody hell, woman, what are you playing at? Everybody knows a successful Apprentice candidate doesn’t have the capability for self-awareness.

Admitting as much is tantamount to that scene in the1967 movie The Fearless Vampire Killers where the hero pretends to be a bloodsucker in order to pass through a ballroom full of dancing nosferatu, but comes unstuck after waltzing in front of a giant mirror in which only his reflection is visible.

I’m just surprised Alex (who has something of the night about him – or, at the very least, looks a little like The Count from Sesame Street) didn’t pounce and sink his fangs into her neck.

Had he done he could have passed it off as some kind of blood orange cocktail – let’s call it Type OJ Negative – and sold it for £3.50 a cup.

Maybe then his team wouldn’t have lost the task by a measly £91, the opposing group coming up trumps by choosing to sell buffalo meat for a whopping £20 a steak.