Harambe was, for those who don’t know, a gorilla who was shot and killed at the zoo because a kid managed to get into the gorilla exhibit and was in danger of being harmed by him. The debate that sparked from this incident has turned into a surprisingly angry and continuous one. Weeks later, people are still taking sides over whether Harambe should have been killed or not. Some say it was the right thing, others say tranquilizer darts should have been used, some think nothing should have been done at all because it’s the parent’s fault for losing sight of the kid in the first place… whatever side you’re on, one thing is certain: I have no idea how to pronounce Harambe. The hashtag Justice For Harambe was trending at one point. It shouldn’t be too long now before someone starts the hashtag Gorilla Lives Matter.

My Big Fat Fabulous Life is a show on TLC, previously known as The Learning Channel, where a 400 pound girl has various tubby antics with a circus music soundtrack while disguising itself as a show about being empowered. Whitney Way Thore is the star of My Big Fat Fabulous Life, and she has PCOS. PCOS is a disease that makes it easier to gain wait, as well as have thinning hair and more facial hair. Obviously no girl wants to have this disease, but it’s an inconvenience, not a barrier. Some people have slow metabolisms, other people have diseases that prevent them from exercising, but the base rule of calories in vs. calories out is irrefutable. In the show, Whitney talks often about how her morbid obesity is the fault of her PCOS, often while eating banana-and-mayonnaise sandwiches, so obviously someone needs to knock some sense in to her. Who better to do this than a hot blonde chick who’s never dealt with fatness in her entire life? Yes, YouTube “comedienne” Nicole Arbour made a video called Dear Fat People, which is a scathing six minute video reprimanding fat people for their lazy, disgusting ways. Apparently the video is supposed to be funny, but I think the only part I laughed at was when she said fat people smell like sausages. That was amusing, but otherwise it was a bunch of lame, hack jokes. So what can we learn from all this? That everyone sucks. Delusional fat people suck, bitchy hot chicks suck, and I’m working on getting dual citizenship to Norway where everyone is hot, nice and blonde.

Speaking of sucking, prostitution always seemed to me like an awesome career choice if you’re a hot chick. You get to have sex with new people all the time, you get paid a lot of money, and you don’t have to work many hours. Therefore I find it odd that people are so confounded and disgusted with Suzy Favor Hamilton, the Olympic runner who sort of faked a fall in the Olympics to gain pity rather than straight up losing, and then moved on to be a high price escort in Las Vegas. The story is an interesting one, but the level of shock and disgust is the real problem- America is so goddamned uptight, they actually believe that being a high priced escort wouldn’t be a fun an awesome way to make a living.

Here on The Devil’s Advocates Podcast, we pride ourselves on being lovable creeps, so Ben shares some of his weird thoughts about getting haircuts. When you’re a fat pathetic loser, getting a haircut is the most someone touches you in months, and fulfills a basic need for human touch. It’s not sexual, it’s just a need for human contact. However, it still appears to be pretty pathetic to the untrained eye, so Ben makes a life decision to do something to change his fortune. It may seem drastic, or ill-conceived, and may end in victory or tragedy, but once he decides something, we all know by now there’s no use in arguing about. It’s going to happen. Will Ben’s plan work? You’ll have to listen to find out… but no, no it won’t.

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