One mom's journey through life, love, and loss.

December 3, 2018

It’s been extremely quiet on here, I know. It’s been a whirlwind month and a bit and it’s really been all I can do to keep my head above water. Your Daddy is on week 5 of 8 weeks of school in Regina. Mommy had to have a procedure done to check on her bowels. Halloween came and went. I think I needed to really just feel all of these things and just sit with my pain for some time. It’s hard to process all these feelings when Daddy is here, let alone when he isn’t. I’ve been struggling with him being away. Evenings are quiet and long. Leaving the puppy home alone all day is hard, she gives me these big eyes when I’m getting ready to go out the door and it sometimes is enough to make me break down. It’s hard when the days start like that because it seems to stick all day. It’s so lonely and frightening when you feel stuck all day. I honestly feel like I’m barely surviving. I hate that Daddy is gone, even though this is very important and exciting for him and I am 100% rooting him on, but it’s very hard for Mama.

When Mama went to the hospital about a month ago for her Colonoscopy Gramma Cindy was right by Mama’s side. Just like all the times she was with us while you were sick. She held my hand through all the pokes, they had to try 3 times for the IV start. She wiped my tears and explained to the nurse that I was most likely experiencing a little PTSD from all the times in hospital with you. She made sure the nurses knew my story. I told Gramma a million times over, I can get somebody here to drive me, you don’t have to come all this way. Boy am I glad Gramma doesn’t listen to your Mama. Nobody else would have been able to do what she did for me that day. I never expected it to be that hard. I never expected the emotions to come on that strongly just from a needle poke. I guess the fears are still so high on the surface even though I think I’ve worked through them.

Halloween was okay. Mama was sick to her tummy the day before and the day of, most likely from the anticipation of the day. I just put all the candies on the doorstep and hid away. I did walk the block with Emma and Amie though and that really did calm me. It was fun to see Amie enjoy it so much, just like you did last year. I saw so much of you in her and that made my heart so darn happy. Those two girls heal Mama more than they will ever understand. Emma has gotten “braver” with her grief and let’s me know that she misses you and we are able to hug it out and talk about you. I hope it helps her as much as it helps me. We were painting our signs on the weekend and she asked me what your favorite colors were. I said “Hunny I think pink and purple.” Her whole unicorn was pink and purple and she was so happy that she got to use the colors you loved. I’m so proud that she is so proud to be your big cousin. I know her love for you will be strong forever and it helps me to know that. It helps me to have a few tears with her every once in a while. I’m so proud that she’s isn’t afraid to ask me about you and to talk about you because I know that even some adults are. Heck sometimes I’m afraid of how I will take hearing your name out loud but it really is always music to my ears.

Today a Farmer Customer asked me about you. The last time I talked to Ray about you I showed him your 1st birthday picture. He had no idea that you were sick, no idea that you had to leave. It never gets easier telling somebody you are gone. Here we are, almost 9 months out, and I still freeze and stumble over my words. I still stutter and scramble to change the subject. I still struggle with their shock and disbelief. I still try my hardest to protect them from my pain. I am so thankful that my relationships with these producers are strong enough for them to comfort me and not freeze up. They open up about their wives that have lost children or their experiences with child loss and they do their best to make me feel better. They listen. They tell me they are sorry and say nothing more. They are some of the most understanding people I have in my corner on this journey. They mend my heart one gruff conversation at a time. They remind me of my dad, your grampa, in the way they don’t say much but somehow just know exactly what I need to hear from them.

It’s officially December now and I was really hoping to hibernate through it but I guess I’m not a bear so I’ll just tread as lightly as possible. I threw a fit a couple weeks ago because the Christmas tree was buried under a bunch of your stuff and I couldn’t get to it. I didn’t have it in me that day to dig through all of your stuff. So I threw it all back in, slammed the door and stomped up the stairs to promptly sit on my bed and cry. No not cry, bawl. To the point that Gramma told Grampa that she was going to come to Swift Current and dig it out for me. I was a mess and I just couldn’t do it alone. The next day Aunty told Mama she wanted to go Christmas shopping and I again called Gramma in tears. The stress of this season without you was weighing on me so heavily this particular weekend that I just couldn’t seem to function. So Gramma created a game plan for Mama’s shopping list and gave me a pep talk. When we got home from shopping Aunty pulled the Christmas Tree out from under all your things. All Mama really had to do was survive. The support and strength your Gramma and Aunty give me is HUGE. I know that my moods make them crazy but I also know I wouldn’t survive these long days with out you and with daddy away without them.

Baby Girl, Mama is so broken. I need you to guide me 10 times more than ever before. This used to be my favorite time of year and without you it just feels cold and empty and scary. I don’t know how to do it. I know in my heart you will be with me every step of the way but please show me. Please send me the signs. I know you are and I’m maybe missing slme of them. I promise to look harder and I promise to acknowledge them. I love you baby girl. I want more than anything to be able to call heaven and hear your voice. I only want one darn thing for Christmas and nobody can give me that, not even Daddy, fixer of all Mama’s feelings. I love you. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I want you here. Please be near, snuggle Mama in her sleep tonight, Turkey Bird. I love you forever.