A sign of True Love

Have you ever wondered how you know if you truly love someone? I think I have the answer.

When you know that you would genuinely be happy about the fact that someone you love is happy or happier being with someone else, then you’ll know that you truly love that person. I’m not talking about trying to be happy for that person, or pretending to be happy and trying to live with the fact that you can’t be with that person. I’m talking about really feeling happy for that person, being able to listen to that person as he/she talks about their new boy/girlfriend, and sincerely being glad and happy about the fact that he/she is happy and having a good time.

This is the ultimate test of true love, because when you love someone, naturally you’re going to want to be with that person and be loved back by that person. You’re going to want it really bad. I don’t think that I have to explain how seriously strong this feeling can be; I’m sure you know. So if you can stand the fact that this person would prefer, and would in fact be happier, with someone else, then that is already an accomplishment. But if you can also truly feel happy for that person while you have to let him/her go with someone else, then, I think, that is more than enough proof of true love.

Ofcourse you will also feel sad and be in pain because of the fact that you can not be with that person, but when it’s true love, the feeling of being happy for that person will be far greater. So much greater that you would rather choose to have that person be with someone else instead of you, if it would make him/her happy or happier, or if you know that that would be better for that person.

A very good friend of mine tried to explain this to me a few years ago and she didn’t succeed. And this was a person who had a lot of influence on me. In fact, I’ve learned a lot from her and she’s really had a lot of influence in shaping me into the person I am today. At this point I’m not sure anymore if this is a compliment to her or an insult, but that’s a different subject. 😉 What I’m trying to say is that this is not an easy concept to accept or to believe. Even I could not believe it a few years ago. In fact, I just refused to even consider believing it or giving it a chance. It seemed so absurd. If you really love someone, you’ll want to be with that person, right?? How can you even stand seeing that person with someone else?? Let alone feel good about it! It’s just not possible!

Well, it is possible. Just don’t try to explain it to people who don’t want to believe it. Don’t even try to explain it to the person you love and are letting go. You could risk giving them the impression that you probably don’t love them very much. Not enough in any case. Because afterall, if you were seriously crazy about them, you wouldn’t be able to so easily, as it may seem, let them go. Let alone feel happy about it!

But the truth is the opposite. And as you probably already know, the truth is often more difficult to believe. True love is never only about your own needs. It’s never about a feeling of possession. It’s about liking someone so much that you would accept to lose if by doing that you can help that person to win. Even if it means losing the most precious and important thing to you at that time, namely that person him/herself.

There are two things, which are related to the current subject, that most women who know me (both of them*) can’t understand about me:

I can’t be jealous. I don’t seem to notice or get angry when they try to make me jealous, leading them to think I’m not very interested in them or don’t love them that much.

I can easily let go, also leading them to think I’m not very interested in them or don’t love them that much.

With the above explanation, it should be easy to understand why I can’t be jealous. It should also be easy to understand why I would easily let someone go if they wanted to be with someone else, or if they had other priorities (career, family etc.). It seems like most women would expect you to desperately fight to keep them with you, and if you don’t, they see it as a sign that you don’t care about them that much, or don’t love them that much. Some (most?) women even play games with you, just to see if you react the way they expect you to (become jealous). And if you don’t, they get really upset. If you do, it confirms you love them. I’ve actually experienced such a case at least once. After her little experiment, she noticed that I didn’t react the way she expected. And I noticed her acting strange to me and getting angry. And when I finally asked what was wrong, she was essentially like “You don’t love me! You don’t want me that bad! You don’t even get jealous!” And I’m like “Oooh, that’s what you were trying to do?” And from my perspective, it was quite hilarious.

It should also be easy to understand why I would allow my girlfriend or wife to go out on her own, even if she goes out to meet guys (friends, colleagues etc.). I understand that most guys would have issues with this.

I do however expect her to be very honest and faithful. And as is usually the case: with lots of freedom, comes lots of responsibility. And I can be equally as rigorous, as I can be flexible. Which basically means that there’s a 99.999% chance that if you damage my trust in you, it could be fatal. Fatal for the relationship, but not fatal for my love for you. Because otherwise, it would not have been true love.

Comments

Thank you for this post – I’ve been going through this same thing just today with someone I really care about and have been wondering whether it is this ‘true love’. The girl I really like is someone I’ve got to know whilst at university and we cook together, get along great, have a laugh, share the same values, get along with the families and even though we have our ups and downs it seems a little too good to be true. Well as I am posting on here… it actually was :p

She in fact has liked someone for quite a few years but as this particular person didn’t make a move – someone new came into the picture and within two week he’s stolen her heart for the first time in her life – she’s finally going on her first dates and is in her first relationship. I obviously was quite upset to start with as this wasn’t me but I couldn’t help feeling this sense of elation and this sense of joy in a way. As much as it hurt and pained me to think that I couldn’t share the memories with her – and knew that the last time we went out would be the last time ever, I still showed her the most special place to me so that she could take this new guy there and have memories of her own just so she would be happy.

I felt so bad telling her how I felt – and it didn’t come out in the way I expected, I merely said to her that I wanted her to be happy and with whoever that was and just wanted her to be happy even if that meant sacraficing a little for myself as that’s all i’ve ever wanted – obviously she’s definitely not stupid – and everything came out and I felt so bad that she had togo through having this said to her (two others have said it in the past to her and one she didn’t follw up with and he just left the friendship, and the other she didn’t see in the same way – he left the friendship) and she doesn’t want to lose ours – well that’s what she says and I agree – to be fair one piece of advice I can give – how much do you value this person in your life – this particular girl has changed the way I think, the way I am, the positivity I share and the energy I create around me, I feel on top of the world having her even as a friend in my life – think would you really want to make that person upset?

I’m actually so hurt at the moment as it’s a low point in my life – but what keeps me going is to know that she’ll share her first kiss, her first date and her first relationship and those feelings with someone she wants to share them with and she’s finally taking control of her life and being the person she wants to be and not putting her life on hold. She’s happy, she’s having fun and who am I, how dare I come in the way to stop that or spoil that – instead i’ve taken the step to tell her, and let her know how I feel – she doesn’t feel the same way and she wouldn’t – I knew she wouldn’t – but I’m still happy for her because she means the world to me, and my hapiness is sourced just from seeing her smile and be the random childlike girl that she really is.

So to conclude, I think for the first time in my life I’ve found true love. I know that I may never get to hold her hand, for her to ever feel the same way about me or to look at me as she does to this person but… I am happy… I am smiling because I know that she’s smiling, and she’s happy and she will go on to make others happy and empowered around her. Of course you cry, you hurt, you pain and the feeling kills but you know you begin to realise that if you can truly love someone, you can be happy for them and can understand how they feel and which is why I wouldn’t want to be someone who step sin the way of her hapiness – but someone who can support her in her endevours objectively and still be a part of her life and share her hapiness – I think you know… I’ve found someone I might just love for the rest of my life… even though she might never actually love me back… how weird 🙂

Anon,
Thanks for taking the time to write this up. It’s good that you told her how you feel. You should have done that much earlier perhaps.
But anyway, I would say just be happy with what you are able to get from her, you will get over it sooner or later. Just be sure to move on and not let this limit you in finding someone else to love, who is also able to give you the attention you need.
Read the following: http://blog.kareldonk.com/love-as-many-people-as-you-like/

Yeah, now at this moment I konow I love him truly, he wanted to let go.. and I let him go because hs isn’t happy with me.. I gave him all the freedom to meet other girls and all that because I wanted to know deep in his heart whom he wants to be with.. and now he choose.. and it’s not me.. and I still cry every time I see a love movie.. or hear a love song.. or see anyone holding hands.. or anything that is related to love.. it’s sucha a big wound in my heart.. and it’s still bleeding.. but I would NEVER ever try even for a second to force him or convince him or even ask him to be with me.. because I love beyond believe and I just want to see that big smile on his face and that innocent eyes shining happiness.. that is priceless to me.. although it seems impossible to breathe without him.

it’s really like your blog, thanks for sharing your experience . this is my experience for what is true love is,in addition to fear ,the belief that we only get one true love per lifetime is deeply related with our society’s insistence that monogamy is good for couples-and the moral choice,to boot.