I broke up with my live-in boyfriend (someone I was planning on marrying) a few months ago because although intially he wanted to cut down on his drinking, he now tells me I am "controlling him" and not letting him be who he is. Also his friends all think he is so much more himself now that I am gone.

I don't really know how to process this. I really want him to realize that this is problem (drinks at least 1 bottle of wine a night plus lots of pot) but he seems to be able to keep it together at least at work. It seems so unfair, I wish something would happen so he would realize that this IS a problem.

I am hopeful (perhaps stupidly) that he will wake up one day - hopefully with me but even without me.

You're better off without him because until he realizes he has a problem, there's nothing you can do to help. And he's going to make you feel guilty (I drink or I use because of you), he'll make you think you're the sick one. You're going to cry, nag, and lose your energy over something you have no control whatsoever. You'll lose any sense of perspective, your life will revolve around his sickness.

Now if he quits, you'll spend your time wondering when he's going to relapse. And if he relapses, you'll have to start all over again.

gns, I was in your shoes 20 yrs ago. If I had the opportunity to do it over again, I would do what you did. Instead, we married, built a beautiful family, & made many wonderful memories together. My husband is a caring, professional man, a good provider, & a really nice guy. But I can honestly say, the heartache that his drinking has brought to the kids & me, is not worth it. We have what looks like a picture perfect life, but deep down there's a lot of hurt in all of us. Do yourself a favor & stay apart until he sobers up for himself. If that doesn't happen, be glad you left when you did. Even though it's painful to break up now, I guarantee you it will feel even worse to walk away after you spent half your lifetime together. Trust me, I know.
I wish you luck & peace.

Told husband after 13 years together with five children to leave because of him lying about drinking again, for the past year. We both were sober (10 YEARS) and about a year ago he started up again WHY BECAUSE WE STOPPED MAKING MEETINGS. i FOUGHT IT AND FOUGHT IT FOR SO LONG HE COMPRISED AND INCORPORATED IT BACK INTO HIS LIFE THEN I PICKED UP TOO. He gradually started the vicous cycle of alcoholism with- he will only drink at home, then it was i will call you when i am going to drink else where, then it was not coming home, then all the I NEVER'S HAPPENED. tHEN I COULD MAKE HIM STOP SO I JOINED HIM EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT FOR ABOUT SIX WEEKS. Well what a living hell. He spent 18 hours in jail one night for hitting someone that was enough for me even though he we thought hit a bottom. So within a few weeks all the sneaking, lies started, not answering his cell, then calling a few minuetes later and having an answer for everything. Told our five children on several occassions that he is allergic to alcohol and bad things happen to him when he drinks. Now he wants to tell the children that he changed his mind, thats he not an alcoholic no more . hE WANTS ME TO ALLOW HIM TO BRING BEER BACK INTO THE HOME SO THAT HE CAN RELAX BY THE POOL AND HAVE A FEW. I told him that i need to notify WEBSTERS DICTIONARY and let them know my husbands has a new DEFINITION OF INSANITY - Doing the same thing over again expecting different results. WOW. He basically claims that he can control his drinking now - he learned from his mistakes and knows when to stop....i guess he found the cure FOR ALCOHOLISM....CALL BILL AND BOB LET THEM KNOW. I love my husband very much but for my sanity and my children as well, i can't allow them to witness any more alcoholic behaviors of an active alcoholic. My kids need to be kids not worring if daddy is gonna come home drunk again, keep it simple>>>LET GO AND LET GOD

Anonymous wrote:gns, I was in your shoes 20 yrs ago. If I had the opportunity to do it over again, I would do what you did. Instead, we married, built a beautiful family, & made many wonderful memories together. My husband is a caring, professional man, a good provider, & a really nice guy. But I can honestly say, the heartache that his drinking has brought to the kids & me, is not worth it. We have what looks like a picture perfect life, but deep down there's a lot of hurt in all of us. Do yourself a favor & stay apart until he sobers up for himself. If that doesn't happen, be glad you left when you did. Even though it's painful to break up now, I guarantee you it will feel even worse to walk away after you spent half your lifetime together. Trust me, I know. I wish you luck & peace.