Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Day 23 - I Am Dependent Upon People Being Dependent Upon Me (mother-syndrome?)

For the past two days I have been living the
consequences of the fact that I have grown to be and become dependent upon others being
dependent upon me. This one took me by surprise, because I never thought of
myself as dependent upon others, but rather a very independent person that
enjoys being alone and can be alone in life. However, recently someone who had
been dependent upon me emotionally in the past, has stood up from within that
dependence. I was really surprised by my reactions to this, and after I finally
decided to talk to that person about it, we realized that I too had become
dependent.

How and why did I become dependent? The how is
a little more difficult because it will have been something I developed over
many years throughout many relationships. But never before has someone
withdrawn like this from me, therefore I never had to face it within myself.

In
terms of Why, the most obvious thing that I can see right now is that it’s
safe; meaning, it’s safe for me to enter into relationships where the person is
dependent upon me, because the more dependent they are, the less likely they
will leave me/hurt me/judge me etc…

So
I’m just going to start doing some self-forgiveness on this point I have
identified in order that I may dig a little deeper, see it more clearly and
expend upon it.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire people to
be/become dependent upon me, so that they are less likely to hurt me, leave me,
judge me, etc....

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt, left and judged
when someone is no longer dependent upon me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base much of my self-definition
within the dependence upon me that I encourage people in my world to develop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become dependent upon others being dependent upon me.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage people in my
world to be/become dependent upon me within self-interest, because it creates a
‘safer’ friendship/relationship for me, instead of seeing and realizing that no one can hurt me in terms of emotioanl pain, only I can manifest beliefs, attachments, separation etc... in which I allow me to be hurt by others as I allow me to hurt myself.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire
friendships/relationships that make me feel safe.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people will hurt me,
leave me, judge me, etc… because I have hurt myself, judged myself and
abandoned myself already.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself, judge myself
and abandon myself.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself by suppressing
me out of fear of being hurt, left, abandoned, judged, made fun of etc…

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself by not
looking within me to see where I am missing me in terms of suppression,
neglecting myself as who I am and what I need, and leaving myself as I pursue a
sense of self in the dependency others may develop upon me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself when others
withdraw their dependence upon me, because I no longer feel needed/wanted.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of the things
others do without me, and the people others spend time with instead of doing
things and spending time with me, because I think/believe/perceive that they
are having more fun without me, or that they enjoy the other people more than
they enjoy me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in jealousy because I
am comparing myself in separation to the people and events others are
participating with and within.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others
and then go into inferiority, placing the other above me because I am no longer
depended upon, which makes me feel unwanted.

I
forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to understand that I need to
develop me and my own self and independence in order to stand alone as a whole,
so that I can stand together as a whole with everyone and all that is here as
equal wholes.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to feel
bad for me in order to confirm my self-pity and justify the energetic
experience of self-pity that I create and manifest for myself when I am no
longer depended upon.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to
experience the hurt, abandonment and judgment I create for myself and allow
myself to participate within and as and experience, as a point of spite or
vindication.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as
spite.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing spite to exist within and as me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as
vindication.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing vindication to exist within and as
me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within
self-pity.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-pity to exist within and as me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the behavior of
others within a starting point of ‘taking it personally,’ instead of seeing,
realizing and understanding that each is in their own process, and I am only
and can only be responsible for myself and my experience.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the
pattern or habit of depending on others dependence upon me because it fulfills
me in ways that I have not allowed me to fulfill myself, such as security,
being needed, being wanted, being loved, being reassured and being made to feel
‘special.’

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another realizing that
I am not special, and I am not what others may have thought I am, because I am
not ‘special’ or better than anyone, I am equal to everyone and all that’s
Here.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being an equal for
fear that if I am not ‘special’ or ‘better-than’ then I will be abandoned.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire someone
outside of me to make me feel secure, needed, wanted, loved and reassured.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to feel
special in a world where we are all equal, and no one is special, because
everyone is of equal value.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to
think/believe/perceived that I am more valued or have more value than others,
by manipulating others to value me more, through creating, encouraging or
manipulating them to be or become dependent upon me.

I
forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to value myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret that I have never valued myself as Who I Am, and in that have created self-hate, as I have negleced me and searched for my value within others and within love.

I see, realize and understand that it is not too late, that every breath is an opportunity to change, to stand up and to gift me back to myself as self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth.

This is bringing up a memory I have,
wherein I felt the same way when I was younger, wherein I was jealous over a
boy who ended up dating my best-firend.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring up the past so that I
can re-experience an emotional experience that I allowed myself to participate
within and from ‘back then,’ which I then used to define myself as inferior,
unwanted, unspecial and insecure.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself upon past
memories, which led me to create a dependence upon others being dependent upon
me as a defense mechanism to never feel inferior, unwanted, unspecial and
insecure again. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to abdicate my self-responsibility to myself, by developing a pattern within
relationships, wherein I create dependency instead of standing up from within
these emotional experience as a statement of Who I Am. But instead, I believed
the experience to be Who I Am. I stop this pattern by deleting this memory, I
refuse to re-live it over and over again, as it is in the past. It is forgiven,
I will change.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my inner emotional
experience to be Who I Am.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the past memory of
jealousy and hurt to the definition of myself and Who I Am in this world.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by defining
myself by this memory instead of taking responsibility for myself in every
moment.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to
overcompensate for myself in order to ‘prove’ that ‘I am fine’ and ‘I don’t
care,’ instead of breathing myself Here with no reaction because I am standing.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a the personality
suit of ‘I’m fine, I’m great, nothing is wrong’ because in reality I am hiding
the fact that I am making something wrong by participating within the
experiences of self-pity, inferiority, unwantedness, unloved, regected, etc…

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the
polarity of feeling hurt/feeling great, instead of breathing Here in stability.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to be extra fun
and enjoyable in order to compete with others who I am jealous of/threatened
by, within and as separation from them, as I see the true nature of myself as a competitive being wanting to survive, when it is really only my ego that I'm competing for, because Who I Am as Life is Here, and I don't need to compete, and I refuse to perpetuate this system of competition we all live in, by allowing it to exist within and as me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by another.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that
another can threaten me as Who I Am.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to
another by placing my self-worth in my ability to compete with them.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt about others
being/becoming dependent upon me, because now that I have realized that I am
equaliy dependent, I now see how it ‘feels’ to be dependent upon another.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous because of the
thought/perception/belief that I created that another has received vindication
for ‘making me’ feel/experience the way they have felt/experienced themselves
with regards to their dependence upon me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed a dependence
upon another instead of depending upon myself to be there for me, because I am
the only one who can do that for myself.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that
I am being punished.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reactin anger /fear/victimization/self-pity at the thought of another ‘punishing
me’ for their dependence upon me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that
it is my fault that another has become dependent upon me, instead of realizing
that I don’t control anyone but me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to control me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to
another by accepting and allowing them to abuse me, instead of realizing that I
create the abuse and I decide whether or not to participate within and as it.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that
another can abuse me.

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to abuse myself
in order to justify my inner experience that ‘I have been hurt.’

I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my behavior, and to
think/believe that I should always be there for others, instead of realizing
that this only perpetuates the pattern of others becoming dependent upon me, instead of standing as a pillar of self-support, wherein I support others to stand alone as well, by not accepting or allowing any dependence to form, either from me or the other.

When
and as I see that I am reacting within jealousy, self-pity, spite or vidnication towards
another because they have withdrawn their dependence upon me, I stop and I
breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that as an
equal, I support the independent growth and stability of all those around me,
as I support the growth and stability of myself.

I
commit myself to support those around me to realize themselves by supporting
myself to realize myself.

I
commit myself to being and becoming a whole and independent being that is capable of standing alone.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.