Anonymous Story: I Was Raped Multiple Times

I am an Indonesian, and I was in my third year of college when I was raped, by a good friend who had been a my friend for around 3 years.

We hung out a lot back then, mainly because both of us needed some companies while doing our final thesis. Once I was in his place, it was over midnight and the rain was pouring. I could barely see the road. Not being able to go home, he offered me to stay the night. I hesitated but had no other choices. I didn’t feel quite sure why I decided to stay, but I ended up staying. He kindly lent me his tshirt and boxers for me to sleep in. We were just chatting while watching some cables. Then he started to approach me closer. Seeing his intention, I tried to politely declined. Yet he insisted and started to corner me. He grabbed my upper arms and tried to kiss me. He had no bedframe so we were sitting on his matress on the floor. I started panicking when he grabbed me harder, so I tried to flee and got out of the room. Unfortunately, the door was locked and the key wasn’t hanging on the door. I was sandwiched between him and the wall, then he decided to lift me and then throw me to the matress. He was basically on top of me. I frantically trying to escape but he’s just too heavy (I was around 45kg and he’s probably around 85kg). He started to choke me as I tried to defend myself. The next thing I remember, it was him grabbing and fingering my private parts, from outside my pants. Somehow, I finally got to bite him and he backed away, only after he slapped me in the face. I was left with a bruise on my left eye.

He was like a totally different person after he backed away. He begged me sorry and said he was losing his mind. Of course I didn’t trust him. But I still can’t comprehend why, I was trying to understand him and giving him a second chance. Even though later I might regret it.

Later, he became more violent. He would grabbed my arm so hard it left me with bruises, when I said no to his invitation for lunch/dinner. He would choke me in his car after he asked me to come to his place and I denied. I felt threatened, so I obeyed him. Most of the time, he would choke me and forced me to say ‘yes’ before he penetrated. I felt I had no choice but to let him, because I felt if I said no, I wouldn’t have been living. He always threatened that he’d tell others if I didn’t obey. Back in Indonesia, no sexual activity was consider ok outside marriage, so I was afraid. He could choke me I blacked out even during the intercourse.

I was raped again and again for around half a year. Some of them were still vividly appear in my head. I was living under frustrations. I was losing myself. I was scared if people would find out.

It took me 4 years to finally be able to share the story. He’s no longer able to assault me. But he had raped me for multiple times, I can’t count anymore.

We have no support group or any therapist here in Indonesia, but I believe that there might be more women like me. I hope what I shared can help others. At least, you know that you’re not alone.

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