How you'll know if you've caught xenophobia

Have you had your xenophobia jab yet? Experts are warning that a particularly virulent strain is already rife in many parts of the country and they predict that it could reach epidemic proportions. It is not just the elderly who are at risk.

Some areas, however, will be more affected than others; very few cases have been reported in certain parts of north London, and Scotland, apparently, is entirely immune. Today I am dealing with some of the Frequently Asked Questions about the virus:

How will I know if I have caught xenophobia?

Only other people can reliably spot the fact that you are affected. A friend may remark, “You’re looking very gung-ho today,” and then it will occur to you that what you thought was just a slight touch of chauvinism could be full-blown xenophobia.

What other symptoms should I look out for?

Jessica Ennis-Hill and crowds in 2012Credit:
Paul Edwards/-

Over-enthusiasm about Team GB’s medal successes at the Olympics can be a tell-tale sign. Also humming along with military bands or feeling the occasional urge to hoist a flag. In extreme cases you may even care about the Eurovision Song Contest.

Is the jab effective?

Nobody knows if it actually works, but it is very painful, so it probably serves you right.

What should I do if I am told I am suffering from xenophobia?

It is highly infectious, so you should avoid all social functions, especially dinner parties. Try not to express an opinion about anything as this can bring on the sweats. Ideally, you should go to bed and stay there.

I have recurring feverish nightmares that I’m being chased down a long corridor by Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and Nicola Sturgeon and, however hard I run, I can’t get away from them. Is this serious?

I can't get away from himCredit:
FACUNDO ARRIZA BALAGA/EPA

This is a common phenomenon. You are suffering from advanced xenophobia with jingoistic and Little Englander complications.

Can I get a second opinion?

No.

Small decisions: big problem

Do I want small, medium or large? Do I think this colour would look right in the bathroom? Should we send the Wilkinsons a Christmas card this year? Which is the correct recycling bin for aluminium foil?

Faced with a daily bombardment of decisions like this, I often wish I was prime minister. Where do we plonk the third runway? Simple. Trident, yes or no? A doddle. Invade or hold talks about sanctions? Easy peasy.

The prime minister has all the tools for decision-avoidance, but I am on my own here. I can’t take soundings about the ideal size of a cappuccino; there’s never a QC around, at a loose end and prepared to conduct a three-year judicial inquiry into suitable colours for the bathroom; no cabinet subcommittee is going to pretend to get to grips with the thorny Wilkinson Christmas card issue. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to launch a Big Conversation about what I should choose from the menu and whether I want fries with that. There is no international forum to help me fudge the question as to who should we seat at the table next to Aunt Glenda.

It’s a comfort to know that other people have this big problem with small decisions. At breakfast time in any hotel you may hear the waitress ask “Brown or white toast?” After a lot of judicious pondering, the answer is bound to be “A mixture, please.” Perhaps Mrs May could try that as a suitable solution to the Heathrow-or-Gatwick question.

Breakfasts break loose

A Marks and Spencer "croloaf"Credit:
-/Marks and Spencer/PA Wire

On the subject of breakfast, I was encouraged to learn of the invention of the croloaf, a combination of croissant and loaf, which can be cut into slices and toasted. Well-placed sources in grocery tell me that this is the first of several ingenious products coming soon to our supermarket shelves to drag the so-called traditional English breakfast yawning and groaning into the 21st century.

To make muesli more mouth-friendly, we will be able to enjoy muesties, a delightful marriage of muesli and Frosties. And for those who like a more chocolatey cereal, there will be muesopops. Hash-blacks are hash-browns crossed with black pudding and graffee is a subtle and invigorating blend of grapefruit juice and coffee. One of the most exciting products, now in development, is freggalade, which is fried eggs marmalade-style, in a jar. No more messy yolks, just spread freggalade on your toast or use it as a dip for your smoky bacon flavoured crisps. There is disappointing news, however, about kipellas, or Nutella-flavoured kippers. Trials of this product have been suspended.