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21 November 2010

Since this post, I still encounter people and organisations who refuse to see the truth regarding this Act and whilst actively promoting this institution of loss (aka adoption), they are also actively misleading unsuspecting expectant mothers and others about the truth of OPEN adoption and how it works in New Zealand.

As in the USA, New Zealand purports to practice open adoption. However, also like the USA, this is all a falsehood given our laws do NOT support this. It is merely a method to encourage more mothers to hand over their children. You see, the law itself is governed, dictated if you like, by the Adoption Act. This Act as I have already posted is from 1955 which was during the peak era of adoption; as in the days they literally stole children from their mothers to fulfill the demand for babies and to punish the mothers for daring to be, well, a normal human being!

Since this era, this Act has not changed. For the sake of repeating myself , I will give you the run down of what this really means.

Adoptions in New Zealand are legally closed. There is no legal framework in this country to support an open system. In fact, as far as the law is concerned, adoption is practically the same now as it was 55 years ago! The term "open" adoption is merely just that; a term. To enter into an open adoption agreement, the two parties discuss what they would like i.e. visits, letters, photos etc and then the parties sign a piece of paper which outlines this discussion and it is placed on the Social Department's file for that case. And you know what? It means absolutely nothing. It carries no weight. When the adopters have claimed the child and decide they don't want to honour their verbal agreement and empty promises, there is nothing in the Law to prevent them from completely closing the adoption. I know this because it happened to me when I first lost my child and I have heard from other mothers who this has happened to.

I recently contacted a certain pro-adoption website based in (Christchurch) New Zealand regarding the information they have on their website about Open Adoptions, alerting them to the fact their information is indeed incorrect. They seem to believe that because they "know" some people who have "successful" "open" adoptions then open adoption is alive and well. Not true. They seem to feel they can speak for the law. Again, not true. An article in the "Sunday Star Times" a couple of months ago also claimed New Zealand has moved with the times in terms of adoption; that it has embraced 'openness' and moved away from the closed system.

Again though, while it might sound good on paper, this is again just 'wishful' thinking. These people who continually claim New Zealand's adoption system operates with a scheme that is not legal are dangerous.

If you are a mother facing an unplanned pregnancy in New Zealand and you are exploring your options please do not be fooled by wolves dressed in sheep's clothing. As a young, scared and vulnerable mother, I approached a woman in a crisis pregnancy centre for help. At this point, I wanted and intended to raise my baby, as is natural. Adoption had not entered my head. This so called counsellor was the first to suggest adoption to me. But she did not stop there. An adopter herself, her agenda became clear after the damage had been done. She started on me with threats of losing my daughter very early in the piece; in fact barely days after I discovered I was pregnant and facing anger from my family, in the middle of a real crisis, I turned to her for help. I was terrified. And she saw this as an opportunity to pounce and work me over.

If you are wondering what your options are, my suggestion is first look at raising your child. If you do decide to go the route of adoption (which from your child's point of view is probably not in his/her best interests unless you are an abusive drug addicted person which means you wouldn't be thinking about this clearly), please be aware that until our Act changes to be updated with current 'views', open adoption does not actually exist in New Zealand. Yes, sure you will be told it does and my warnings will be dismissed however, please be aware that legally, you do not have the right to have contact with your child, the child you carried and loved, once the adoption is done. Actually, the minute you sign a consent form, your child will be as if you had never known him or her. Adoption is a legal guillotine that severs you from your child and your child from you. There is no revocation period in New Zealand law. And if you are coerced into signing that piece of paper which is very possible given certain agendas, it will be sadly, your tough luck. Because the law relies on the Act at the end of the day despite the knowledge that adoption is not in a child's best interests OR welfare.

Your child's birth certificate, the one they are born with, will be locked away and a new one will be penned listing the adopters as YOUR child's original parents; as if THEY had given birth to them. From now on, in the eyes of the law, you will be a stranger to him or her. Adoption brutally strips all past, history and identity from a person. These are the facts you will not be told. The facts no one wants you to know.

Adoption is not a fairy tale. It is not a happy ever after story. It is a manipulation of nature. Nature did not create adoption. It is an institution created by man to get what he wanted. Some misinformed people think that because adoption was practiced in ancient days this makes it okay. This has to be some of the dumbest logic around because slavery was also practiced in ancient times and this was eventually outlawed relatively recently. So no, just because the ancient civilisations practiced a form of adoption (not even the current barbaric form of infant adoption) does not mean it is natural or valid. It is just something they did.

Adoption is wrong. Really. Who in their right mind can seriously be okay with CAUSING loss and trauma? Who can be okay with the act of severing a child from their family tree? Adoption today has become such a huge industry and an entitlement in the minds of society that there has been a massive disconnect from morals and good values of preserving families. Indeed, there are those in adoption who feel they shouldn't help preserve families and are not interested in altruism at all. They happily wait for the collapse of families and eagerly take children with open arms with very little thought, if any for the families this child actually comes from.

Adoption is a lie. It seeks to create a falsehood out of a person's life by stating they are born to strangers. Sure, these people are not strangers as the child grows but it doesn't change the fact that those adopting really are nothing but strangers. While illusions of grandeur run rampant in a PAP's mind about how they always knew this would be "their" child and how this child "grew" in their heart (a biological impossibility and quite frankly, ridiculous), this baby is thinking "who the hell are you and where is my mummy?"

So please, do not be fooled by the lovey dovey videos placed on certain websites about how adopters and first families can be one big happy family. That this is not a loss but a chance for your child to have this that and the other. This is a fallacy as I have heard many adopters state they never wanted an extended family, just a child. Adopters don't really care about YOU, they just want your baby.

All your child needs is their mother to stand up and take responsibility for her life. Your child doesn't need a flash house, car, toys. Millions of children the world over do just fine without those things. They are a materialistic desire. Plenty of mothers continue to study, work, travel as a single mother. Yes, it is hard but so what? Life IS hard. And if you think handing your baby over to strangers makes it any easier, please, that is just another pandora's box and a whole lot of hard on a totally different plain.

So now you know the hard facts, the ones those in government agencies and organisations/counselling centres will not give you. Sure, this might seem awful and harsh but I wish someone had laid this all out for me when I was pregnant. I wish someone had pulled me up, slapped me and brought me out of the brainwashed induced fog I was in and told me I could do it. That I wasn't selfish for wanting to raise my child; that loving my child did not equate with abandoning her. But I was not that lucky. I do not want to see more stories like mine and it hurts to see more women being lied to about a system that does not exist.

New Zealand operates under a barbaric act. True, it is merely a law but it is a law with no thought for a mother and her child. It is engineered entirely to get children adopted, for the sake of those adopting. The child and the mother are not relevant to this act. We don't need JUST a change in our Act, we need an Inquiry into all the practises this Act has allowed. We need redress to all the families who have been maimed by this ancient legislation. If New Zealand really wants to move with the times then an Inquiry will be called and from that, a new Act, if any at all, can be borne.

20 November 2010

Earlier today I read a comment on another blog that has really unhinged me. And the support it has received I think has upset me more.

The fact any PAP or adopter can compare themselves to a person in need of a heart transplant to me, is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard. And to be seen as similar to these people who feel so entitled to another woman's child infuriates me.

People who need a heart transplant are very ill people (um... stating the bleeding obvious here). If they do not receive a heart, an organ, they will die. In order to get one, yes, they first must wait for people to die (again, the obvious). But in the meantime they could very likely die waiting for one. I understand that a patient's need for a heart means someone else must first die and then another family will suffer loss however this NEED for a transplant is far different to the 'need' of someone to adopt. In fact people do not NEED to adopt. They WANT to adopt. BIG difference. The desire to adopt will not lead to a life and death situation for those who are wanting a child.

The entitlement people feel to other people's children is incredibly sickening. The idea that any PAP or adopter out there is as worthy of receiving a child as a waiting transplant patient is of receiving an organ to help them LIVE is so very unbelievable it would be laughable if I hadn't just read this. It is a bold slap in the face to a mother and her child wrenched apart and it is basically saying to a mother "well we needed a child more than you WANTED YOUR child" WTHeck?? Seriously. WTHell is this world coming to?

I am seeing a concerning pattern emerging of late that sees any adopter show any glimpse of weak understanding towards a mother and her loss and then BAM! suddenly their thoughts and feelings are MORE important, MORE valued than anyone elses.

Its like losing Amber all over again. Our needs... my daughters need to be with me, my need to be with her as Nature and Survival created, thrown out with the trash and superseded by others.

I am thrilled there are adoptive parents out there coming on board, opening their hearts up to the truth of adoption and seeing what really lurks under all the media hype and lies. Truly, I am thrilled. It is a start... but I would not be in this place I am today if it wasn't for adoptive parents wanting MY child. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for a judgement from others that they could parent MY child better just because of a stupid metal band around their finger. My daughter would be here with me and HER FAMILY right now if it hadn't been for adopters TAKING her from me. And I am not the only one in this situation.

The only way for adopters/Paps etc to really 'get' the truth about adoption is NOT to adopt. Lately I have read blogs of people who have claimed they now understand both sides of adoption and the atrocities in adoption and it has confirmed their resolve to adopt AGAIN. They DON'T get it. Really. Because if they did, they wouldn't adopt!

I am sick of walking on tip toes. Sick of trying to be positive about something that is as destructive as a bullet in my skull or a knife embedded in my heart. That is what the rest of society wants and needs in order to tell themselves it is okay to hurt more women and children. Well, screw you. I am not playing your game anymore. Adoption hurt (putting it rather mildly) me. It hurt my children. And there is no healing from a wound that never stops bleeding so enough of the healing chatter and the happy dappy lets be positive crap. Adoption hurts. Don't like reading that? Tough. Its the truth and I am tired of walking on egg shells for people who just don't want to SEE it for themselves.

12 November 2010

Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on...
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning, round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

How true the words of this song are. I understand all to well the lines of the chorus... because I live this every day as I wake up.

Being a mother of loss is no easy task. It is not simply something one can box and forget. Rather, it is something that haunts your every cell, fibre, breath of your body. You have no control over when the loss will bloom to full velocity, or when you will have a bad day. It will just happen. Triggers can be anything or nothing. Because it can just HAPPEN. Because it is part of you now. This loss, this void that can never be filled.

This loss screams at you; sometimes never ending, other times you can be lucky enough to drown it out by keeping busy. But it never stops screaming. In your sleep, it is inescapable. Dreams, flash backs, memories... at anytime whenever they choose.

But no one in your every day life would know. Like in the chorus of this song, our hearts are breaking, our "make-up" may be flaking but our smiles betray nothing. No one would know about our secret mutant wounds, bleeding freshly, never having the chance to heal over for more than a day before it is torn open again.

But our "show", as mothers of loss, continues. We have jobs, many of us have families, we are involved in the community. We do not look any different from the next woman. No one would notice the gaping hole in our middles on the outside. We have learned to hide them well, for the sake of society. We have learned to keep our smiles fixed to our faces. For the sake of the Show. The Show of Adoption.

Why though, is this expected of us? Other mothers of loss are given the respect they should receive. Losing a child to death or by kidnapping, these mothers are given time, their loss is respected and they are expected to grieve. So why are we different?

Because our pain is irrelevant. Our pain is inconvenient. We are not seen as people in society, rather we are vessels for others to get what they want. Our children are not seen as people with their own personalities, their own identities. They are not seen as we, their mothers see them, with roots going back generations. As members of a family who resembles Daddy or Mama or Uncle Jo. No, our children are seen as puppets; dolls even, whom these adopters can bring to life by adopting them. The fact the have a family already becomes irrelavent; Nature is thrown out the window. And then, once they are adopted, they too must live the "Show". Never speaking out of turn, never given the freedom to grow up as everyone else does. Kept young, dismissed, disrespected.

It is time the actors in the Show of Adoption are allowed to finish. To speak up, be heard and respected as people. You know, real people, and not figures for others to manipulate in their play. It is time this Show was rewritten or ended altogether and a new show penned. Like those long running shows in Broadway or on the West End that become tired and naturally end... it is time this Show also found a closing.

To end this post, I would like to mention Cassi's latest post. As I was blogging, I took a break and glanced at my reader list which came up with this post. Please read it. Because it is true. The same goes for our children. They are real and a part of us.

If you are looking to adopt, please re-examine why and ask yourself if you would rather build up a family than tear one down. I urge you to ask yourself why would you want another woman to suffer because you have? You may be able to relate to the words of this song as well however please do not be responsible for making these words someone else's reality. It is not our responsibility. We did not cause anyone's infertility so please do not create a mother of loss. It is a circle that will only ever bring pain and heartbreak in the long run.

02 November 2010

As a child, this nursery rhyme saddened and disturbed me. It was one of my least favourite and it felt very heavy for a child. At the age of three or four I can remember lying in bed, trying to go to sleep whilst mulling it over in my head and trying to think of a way they might be able to put Humpty back together.

But now, in my 30's I understand what this rhyme was all about and it really isn't for children.

There are many things that can happen in a person's life and I have had some of these less pleasant experiences and whilst they have impacted me in different ways, they did not break me. Until I lost the most precious person in my entire existence. My daughter.

I am Humpty Dumpty. And I am broken. Nothing can ever put me together again and I wonder why I try to fool myself that things will be okay when at my core I know, I just know, they can never be. Losing A screwed me up and yes I am a highly functioning person in my world outside of adoption but it is because I have forced myself to try to move on. But I see the pieces of me scattered everywhere and just when I think I have finally put myself together, something will come along and gently brush against the fragility of my existence and I will be shattered all over again, with shards being discarded in millions of directions.

Mothers are not supposed to lose their children just because they are young, unmarried, have less money. Mothers, the world over are supposed to raise their children. It is what Nature intended for us. We are not supposed to carry and create children for the purpose of abandoning our flesh and blood. It screams unnatural to do this. At our very core, in the belly of our primal knowledge. I read the blogs and stories of women who like to applaud themselves for doing this and I really detest them. This new breed of women who take delight in being a "birth"mother, an Incubator. It is utterly revolting and as far from Natural as you can get.

A mother is supposed to love, nurture and raise the child she brought into this world. She is not meant to lose or give them up.

I will never be whole. A is never going to be my daughter in the way she should be, the way Nature intended. Her adopters will always be between us. I know she will always have room for them in her life and I understand why but they don't deserve it. They ruined me. Not an agency, not a system. Her adopters with their lies and tricks.

As another visit looms, I crave her so much. And yet there is something that is always off kilter. Something that is never right between us. And that is because an unnatural, evil man-made institution came into our lives and tore us apart. Adoption.

To anyone who wants to be aware of adoption and all of its aspects, do not be fooled by the utter rubbish you are fed in the media. You are fed that crap because the industry is trying to make more money. Think. How natural is it to tear families apart? Do YOU want to be responsible for pushing Humpty Dumpty off the wall? Because that is what happens every time a mother and her child are separated. You break someone into millions of shards. And if you think that is okay, then there is something wrong with you and people like you are the reason this world has turned into something unsafe for the children of tomorrow.

About Me

My name is Myst and I am the mother of three children, one whom I lost to forced adoption in New Zealand in 1998. I use this blog to share my story so others may be better informed of adoption practises in New Zealand and not lose their child in the same way I did.

Some quotes I love...

"This story had its beginnings in a wrongful belief that women could be separated from their babies and it would all be for the best. Instead, these churches and charities, families, medical staff and bureaucrats struck at the most primal and sacred bond there is - the bond between a mother and her baby"

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend, some hurts that go to deep... that have taken hold."- Frodo, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

“Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologise for being correct, or for being years ahead of your time. If you are right and you know it, speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth.”-Gandhi

“Man has the capacity to pass on from generation to generation the wrongs that he has suffered whether they are overt or covert wrongs. And there is a whole generation of people who have suffered from the inhumanity of our social service system because they were poor, because they were helpless, because they were young, because they had no advocates, because they were treated unjustly, because they were treated as though they had wronged people by having a child. We now have to call those social service systems to task.”- Family Involvement ‘Editorial’ John L. Brown No 5 (1977):1

"Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenue each year..."- Commission on Human Rights, resolution 2002/92; E/CN/2002/79; page 25

"Hope is like a bird that senses dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark."- Author unknown

“When a baby is born, a mother is born”-Adapted from a quote by Alice Meynell

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."-Martin Luther King, Jr.

“A mother’s love endures through all; in good repute, in bad repute, in the face of the world’s condemnation, a mother still loves on.”-Washington Irving

“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness”-Amnesty International

“There is in this cold and hollow world no fount of deep, strong deathless love save that within a mother’s heart.”-Felicia D. Hemans

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."-Dale Carnegie

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”Psalm 139:13, 14

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up. “-Anne Lamott

“No language can express the power and beauty and heroism and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over the wastes of worldly fortune sends the radiance of quenchless fidelity like a star in heaven.”-E.H. Chapin