Is it just me, or do the holidays get more expensive and exhausting every year?

By now, if you haven’t spent your entire paycheck, come down with the flu, sold a kidney, or lost your mind, I’d say you’re in pretty good shape and coping quite well with your post–holiday meltdown so far.

I really don’t understand how Christmas has become so expensive and exhausting over the years, especially if the purpose of the holiday is supposed to be getting together with loved ones and celebrating Jesus’ birthday.

The other week, I was sitting next to a kid in a waiting room who was coloring a picture of the nativity scene. I complimented him on his artwork and how well he colored the baby Jesus. He looked up at me with a bewildered look and shouted “WHO THE HECK IS BABY JESUS?” I told him that baby Jesus was the little guy in the manger who he was coloring with the dark red crayon. He lit up instantly, grinning from ear to ear, and yelled “NO, THAT’S SANTA!” Now that’s just sad.

Speaking of Santa, I kind of recall kids asking the old man in red for much simpler things back in the day… like Hot Wheels or Barbie dolls. These days, it’s all about iPods, iPads, and other costly gadgets. I feel sorry for all the parents out there, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the fallout from all this is a rise in alcohol consumption and adult tantrums.

I know I’m probably going to sound a bit Kardashian-like here, but being Santa is extremely tiring. It’s incredibly strenuous having to run around shopping for gifts, attending parties, and entertaining out-of-town guests, all the while maintaining a jolly attitude. I justify going around smiling, being kind to others, and spreading Christmas cheer as my annual cardio workout and community service.

Believe me when I say that Santa has a rough gig, but baby Jesus has it made. Baby Jesus gets to spend all day drinking and relaxing in a crib while people visit and adore him. Who in their right mind would rather be Santa than Baby Jesus on Christmas?!

Not me. While other people are out playing Santa every year—caroling and spreading the Christmas spirit—I’ll be kicking back in my crib with some eggnog, watching “Die Hard” marathons on TV, and grunting intermittently from the couch to signal the family I’m still alive.

Despite the usual caroling, shopping, and other Santa-inspired nonsense, I actually do look forward to Christmas dinner each year. There’s just something special about it, a certain je ne se quoi, if you will.

These are a few of the things that I think make Christmas dinner so special every year:

One of your relatives will always get too inebriated during dinner, resulting in intriguing conversations; fearless actions (i.e. awkward hip gyrations and ass slaps); inappropriate outbursts (i.e. “I’ve got your taters right here swinging, baby!”); and overall bickering when voices that should be inner voices end up on speakerphone.

“I was just saying that cranberry is good for a urinary tract infection. That’s it. It’s a perfectly acceptable dinner conversation. I mean, we’re eating cranberries for God’s sake!”

“You brought a Democrat to dinner? Jesus Christ! Have you lost your damn mind?! I need some more scotch!”

Someone will bring a dessert they made that looks and/or tastes absolutely disgusting (yes, worse than fruitcake). You should prepare yourself in advance to expect a strange concoction to arrive at the dinner table from someone “trying a new recipe” which ultimately looks like something scooped from a baby’s diaper.

Speaking of fruitcake, there’s always at least two in attendance on Christmas: 1) most likely one of your relatives (refer to the first item above) and 2) an actual fruitcake made with those rubbery chunks of artificially-colored fruit that defy the natural world as we know it.

I’m happy to report that I accomplished quite a bit over the holidays this year, but I’m sad to report that my post–holiday meltdown so far entails a bad case of the flu. Unfortunately, it’s not how I planned on ringing in the New Year, and not exactly what I had in mind for “out with the old, in with the new,” but oh well.

I wish all of you a healthy and prosperous 2013, and please, let’s all take a moment of silence to give thanks to vodka for getting us through another year! Cheers!

2 responses to “Post-Holiday Meltdown”

Christmas Day – this is the one day of the year that I really am worried about my safety. It means that I have to drive a few hours to see family who don’t “get” public health as a concept – folks who don’t understand that germ transmission can be controlled by washing hands or covering coughs, and are usually ALL sick. During the drive I am inevitably pulled over by an officer who is upset that he is working on Christmas and insists I was speeding even though I definitely wasn’t and then gives me a warning as a present. Once I arrive and everyone asks me how long I am still going to be in school, I receive a bunch of gifts that I really don’t want, don’t understand, and will actually have to re-gift or donate to Goodwill….this year I actually re-gifted some of the very same things I received from them in 2011, and those went over well – you just have to give each re-gift to a different family member than the one who gave it to you! I always try to avoid eating anything other than what I bring covertly in my pockets…beef jerky or what have you. Most important part is managing to somehow slip out before I possibly contract a parasite. yeah

But all is not lost!

On the other days during the holidays there are usually some nice dinners / happy hours with friends. I had a lot of fun the rest of the holiday season.

Too funny Richard! I feel your pain on people’s lack of understanding of public health for sure! This year, I actually contracted some kind of virus right before the new year, because one of my family members was really sick (probably the flu) and came over on Christmas. She actually made a vegetable platter for everyone, and no one wanted to eat it, because she had a really bad cough and insisted that the platter was germ-free because “she wore gloves” when she made it, ha ha. We were all like “Yeah, but you’re coughing profusely, and your germs are spreading through the air!” We all would have been better off if she wore an N95 mask instead of gloves! Not surprisingly, half the people who came over on Christmas fell ill within a few days. *sigh* 😦 Happy New Year my friend!

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