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alone…

It started this with the morning application of sunscreen and insect repellent. He does not like it but he puts up with it most days. Today is a camp day, but because he works in a greenhouse during the week, the sunscreen and insect repellent is a daily chore and it begins in the spring – every day. I know that he is quite sick of it at this point, but most days he can just put up with it.

This was just one of those mornings that he couldn’t. That is where it started.

I could see it coming. It looked like a Monday morning (Monday Meltdowns). I did not hear “gotta hurry, hurry, hurry” but I heard the way he went up the stairs to put his stuff away.

When he came down, the running back and forth began. I asked him if he wanted to go outside so he’d have more room to run. I figured he would run up and down the front sidewalk as he does on Mondays when he is having a problem.

We went outside where he had more room to get it all out.

I am not going to describe it, only to say that he had himself so worked up that I really was afraid that he would pass out. It scared me.

He finally sat down with me and hugged me – we sat there hugging for a few minutes while he got his breath back and then he was fine.

DC had meltdowns when he was young and in comparison, these may be the same except maybe they just look worse to me because he is so big now. Maybe they are worse. Maybe it is just that I haven’t seen what I would call a meltdown in such a long time until these started again. Maybe it is his seizure meds. He’s been on them 2 years this week (I will be talking to his doctor next week when he has his appointment) – I don’t know.

Doug is DC and Salli’s transport to camp on Thursdays and Fridays and by the time it was time for him to leave, he was fine. He left and that left just me, by myself to get a grip.

I texted Doug to see how drop off went and he said it was fine.

I am off on Fridays for the summer and today I really needed not to sit here and wallow about it by myself. But it is times like these when I realize just how alone I am. I needed someone to talk to, but I needed someone who would not panic or feel uncomfortable if I burst into tears in mid-sentence.

Doug is off as well, so in my text I asked if he wanted to go for coffee. He couldn’t.

There was really no one else I could call. It’s Friday, people work. If they are not working, they can not always just drop what they are doing to listen to me – although I have done just that plenty of times to listen to others.

I even thought about calling my mother, but I know that it is only other people that get to have problems, I do not; I am just “hysterical”.

So…. I got in my car and drove around and cried like an idiot. I did not want to drive too far because I was worried that even though he was fine when he left, he had himself so worked up that I was afraid that something might happen (like a seizure) and I did not want to be farther away from camp in case I had to go and pick him up. Really all I wanted to do was to go to camp and get him for some more hugs, but it is his last day and he was looking forward to “Awards Day” so I did not want to ruin that for him. So I drove and listened to music and it really did not help.

So now I am home, writing this – just to get it out.

Yes, I know this should be about him, not me and that this may read like I am having a pity-party for myself. Maybe I am. Maybe I needed to have my “moment” so I can just move on with today. We should all be allowed to have our moments. Hopefully when you all are having your moments, you have someone to talk to and help you through it….

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4 thoughts on “alone…”

We are becoming more and more conditioned to believe that if we have feelings or opinions as parents….or our own neurodiversity that it is not ok. Our world has come a long way for sure….the flavor of the parent blog has shifted greatly just in the time I have been a mom and I think it is a good thing…it is far more respectful, far more mindful–Like everything else, growth is not always happening at an even pace. We are afraid and apologetic–but I hear you momma–you don’t have to apologize. This is your space….Hang in there

I felt silly writing about how his meltdown affected me – but it really did today. Today was brutal. He is absolutely fine now and I’m not sure I even brushed my hair yet. I try to tell little individual stories to explain how his mind works so people do not automatically think that because he has speech, he can communicate what might be bothering him. I try (usually) to keep it light and just tell the stories using humor at times, just to make people understand what goes on in his head, what he can understand and what he still does not understand. I can say over and over again that he will never be able to live on his own or take care of himself but I don’t think people get that unless I give 100 examples. My stories are those examples. I do always feel guilty when one of these comes along. Thanks for “listening” ❤️

I think it helps other people when we open up about these “moments”. It makes us feel less alone, it helps us put thing in our own lives in perspective, it helps us see each other as human. I will never know what it is like to be you, with your specific set of life challenges and rewards. But I do understand what it feels like to be alone, and not know how to get out of your own head and your own panic, and still have to be strong for someone. Never apologize for being a loving mother. Your concerns for his future are more than justified and my heart goes out to you. You and DC are always in my prayers.

Break the Parenting Mold

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