Monday, October 31, 2005

get up too early after staying up too latedon't take a nap all dayso i wake up 20 minutes agonot fresh from crashing while watching law and order svu

11.02.05(written 11.03.05--11:17 a.m.)

i set a schedule for todayso i can feel goodhad eight hours of sleep(though interrupted to pee outthe large amount of liquid i drink)then i tested my bloodand the numbers look good to mewas headed into the showerbut basketball legend oscar robertson was on wfanand i can't get it on the bathroom radioso i ate breakfast insteadand listenedthen i took my shower and got dressedran to my bank and a drug storethen bought myself some treats at the gristede's supermarket,chips, salsa, orange diet rite soda,and nestea decaffeinated, sugar free iced tea mix.and then i headed back to my home office,trying to get some work done.

11.03.05(written 11.04.05--3:43 a.m.)

up too latehave to get this in orderon my bed working on my powerbookhave to get this in ordera train tomorrow at 3:03 p.m.to go to see my niece michelle in another showand see my folksand maybe ianand i'm figuring what time to set the alarmto get adequate sleepand get some work doneand not be fading when i see my folks.’night.

11.04.05(written 11.05.05--1:24 a.m.)

my dad asleep in his jeepwhen i knock on its windowat the railroad station.we start to talk right awayand he gets into a storyas we drive to home depot,and then we park.

11.05.05(written 11.06.05--4:13 a.m.)

my youngest niece was in phantom tonightpart of the community theater groupone of two childrenin an adult productionshe had no linesand skipped on stage and offthis one uncle david could've seen on video.

11.06.05(written 11.07.05--12:57 a.m.)

we didn't have pancakes for breakfast with real vermont maple syrupwe didn't put together the racks for the garagewe didn't go to an afternoon moviebut mom and dad and me, we still had a good day

11.07.05(written 11.08.05--12:23 a.m.)

i was going to wish you happy birthday todaybut i kept forgetting until i realized it was the next dayit's been three years since we haveand to try and get it backi don't knowi don't know how.

i keep calling seanevery few hoursreminding him each time i dothat i'll be calling oftenthrough thursdaywhen he arrives to work on his bookeach reminder tinged in fearthat i'll be calling him so oftenthat he'll not want to talk anymorethough i know it makes no sense

11.10.05(written 11.11.05--1:20 a.m.)

joke to my therapistabout my feet feeling numbshe's a little bit nervousdoesn't say anythingi tell her my podiatrist saidit's because of my diabetesand he asked what my levels wereand i told him and he was happyhe thinks i'm eating too much sugarand my nerve endings in my feet are reactingi'm going to a nutritionist with diabetic knowledgewithin the next few weekstake my diet give it a little tweakbecause i like my feet.

11.11.05(written 11.13.05--5:02 a.m.)

sean shows up ’bout 10 a.m.we go to the dinerbefore beginning his book's end.a long day with short breaks after each section of poemshe goes on the terrace and smokeswhile i check my mailit was a 14-hour daysave for meals and tiny breaksand when we slept we weren't done

11.12.05(written 11.13.05--5:02 a.m.)

sean's book99% donei don't know howit got there.

11.13.05(written 11.14.05--4:01 p.m.)

more work on sean's bookthe final stuff nowgetting rid of the widows,those last lines that are so small,spell-checkingand then checking that we made the correctionscorrectly.tomorrow to fedex and email to the printerand then it's out of my hands.

11.14.05--3:46 p.m.

i cried at bring it on againnot at the sequel bring it on againbut at the movie bring it on,again.

11.15.05(written 11.16.05--2:59 a.m.)

i hear the resignation in my dad's voicenot a resignation but a dead horse beatingand questioning continuingthinking when i'll stop itcalm them.

11.16.05--11:31 p.m.

i made sure my big pot was cleanand a smaller pot, tooalso my collanderand just boiled some waterthrew in some ziti noodlesand heated up some marinara with mushroomsi cooked, minimally,grabbed some bread to soak up the sauceand added more cold water to the lime water in my mets cupand i went backone timeand then back anotherand i went backand ate a handful of zitiand later dipped some in the sauce pot.i'm gonna put the rest away for lunch tomorrow.

11.17.05--11:39 p.m.

didn't want to go to therapy todaymainly because i'm brokeand every session i pay out of pocket to heris money i don't have to live

but next time i see her is thanksgivingso i won't be seeing her thenso if i start to skipthen two weeks from theni will be skipping again.

11.18.05--11:19 p.m.

two-hour and 12-minute train ride to my big brother's hometo feed his petsto guard against a partyby my eldest niece."you won't have to worry about the pets, your uncle david is going to stay over and take care of them,"my brother tells her.After her jaw dropped she said,"The whole weekend?""Yes," he said."Nights, too?""Yes," he said.

11.19.05--9:16 p.m.

when do you become a parentwhen a parent you've already beenwhen the hints and repercussionsare undeniably sooh-oh

11.20.05(written 11.22.05--11:22 a.m.)

in a movie biopicthe actors don't need to look like who they are portrayingbut you just can't have the hot reese witherspoonportray the average looking june carter,on top of havingreese and joaquin phoenix doing their own singing,rather than lypsynching forjune and johnny cash.every so often i forgetwhy i don't go to the movies.

11.21.05(written 11.22.05--11:27 a.m.)

at the end of the two-hour and 24-minute long train ridefrom the three nights in my brother's homemy apartment.

11.22.05--11:52 p.m.

about to eat canned pineapple chunks i long ago deemed unkosher to menot that they're unkosher,it's just store brand pineapple chunkswith pineapple juice,it's just that there's no kosher symbolon the packagingand my preference is to only bring itemswith kosher symbols on theminto my home.but i ate all the apple sauce in my home last nightand i want something sweetand it'll take four hours to make jell-oand that's too long right now.hell, if unmarked,but kosher ingredients packagesare good enough for my mom and my sisterthen they're good enough for me,at least while i need some pineapple tonight.

11.23.05--11:52 p.m.

eat some goobersas my feet tinglethen drink a half-gallon of hawaiian punchi'm almost39 nowit's been a pretty good run.

11.24.05(written 11.25.05--1:48 a.m.)

my nuclear family plus kidswas in the same room todayfor the first time in i can't remembereven as i trysome things were good about this,some things.

always on these gathering of family and friendsthe person i talk to most is my childhood friend marci'sbrother-in-law paul,and always i am happy for this,as today,his first comment to me as i walk in the door and greet him, were "how about the mets gettin' delgado?"

and tonight still a bit coldas we three watch tvi mention it to himand he goes back almost 30 years to say"go outside for five minutes,then tell me how cold it is in here."

just before bed he makes us all pancakes,with the vermont maple syrup he bought last time i was hereand helping him shop.they were fluffier than any pancakes i've ever had.

11.26.05(written 11.27.05--2:03 a.m.)

when joey lawrence became joseph lawrencei became yoursstring quartet playing white wedding as you marchedand no one we knew knew.it was a nice dayto start again.

11.27.05(written 11.28.05--1:45 a.m.)

my level of tired may have influenced itor maybe my parents' different cable channel lineupbut there's nothing on tv right now that i want to see more than i want to fall asleep on the futon to sports radio 66 WFAN.

11.28.05(written 11.29.05--1:11 a.m.)

alone in my parents' housenegotiating the two floorsthe distance between the den and its tv downstairsand the kitchen and its food upstairsthe kitchen tv locked to certain channels my mom is tapingall sorts of daytime talk and her soapsonly her soaps she watches each nightbut this taping on the kitchen tv meansi can't watch gilmore girls at 10:30because she's taping the tony danza showso i hurry to prepare food to bring downstairs,a coupla pizza bagels and some crystal light lemonade,in time to re-see rory's first day at chilton.

11.29.05(written 11.30.05--1:30 a.m.)

my cold's now worseand i have no pillsno cough syrupor lozengestoo lazy to get themand this morningcarrying too much from holiday weekendi go straight homeand suffer another day of cold.tomorrow i must go out.

11.30.05--5:53 p.m.

(sing)

so vanessa marcil was marriedfor four years to corey feldman

and then she was engagedto 90210's brian austin greenand the two had a kid who they named kassius

but i still can't picture herwith corey feldmani can't picture that at all.

3 Comments:

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