Monica Lewinsky There is a new school in the south called The Monica Lewinsky School of Business, where our motto is you get a head by giving. We have Richard Simmons as the dean of physical education. And Bill Clinton as the dean of Political Sciences specializing in oral exams. Michael Jackson gave up the seat, as Dean of the Music Department to PeeWee Herman sighting the student body was to mature for his curriculum. And Jason Vorheas is dean of self-defense and summer school. By Josehf Lloyd Murchison

2 guys go 2 a hunting class, ware they learn that 3 shots in the air is a universal sign for emergency. on their first trip they of corse go and get lost. they remember wat they learned and fire 3 shots in the air. they wate two hours and no one comes. they fire 3 more times. they again wate 2 hrs and still no one has helped them. one guy says "shud we shoot again?" other guy says "no theres only 2 arrows left"

On a business trip up north I hit a deer with my car. Since in Ontario you can keep road kill I dropped the dear off at a local butcher and continued on my trip. On the way back from my business I picked up the venison from the butcher and brought it home.

My wife was preparing a roast of venison for supper and I asked her not to tell our two children what the roast was, If they asked I would give them a hint.

When supper was served I told the children we were eating something special for dinner. They recognized the potatoes and vegetables right away when my son asked, “What kind of meat is this daddy?”

For whatever reason, my daughter hates washing her hair (possibly because she has so much of it). But off she’d go, dutifully told to jump in the shower and wash her hair. She would emerged about an hour later with a towel draped around her and nearly bone-dry hair except for the very last inch.

“What happened to the ‘washing your hair?” I asked.

She didn’t even flinch. “I did wash my hair, Daddy,” she said.

“Then why isn’t your hair wet?”

Again, not a flinch, merely a look that suggested I should already know the answer. “Well I didn’t use water, I dry cleaned it,” she blurted out.

Knowing she was trying to pull a fast one, I walk over and gently grab a handful of hair. Sniff, sniff. “Funny,” I noted, “it doesn’t smell like dry clean shampoo.”

And then, it happened. “That’s because I did a great job rinsing it out.” Even as the words were coming out of her mouth, she realized she’d blown it.

It’s late at night and I’m working at my computer, I like this time to do my writing my wife and kids are in bed sleeping. The house is quiet and there’s nothing to disturb me as I write.

Well this night our tenant in the basement apartment has his girlfriend over. They’re playing like young lover’s do tickling and running around with the exuberance of youth, and I remember when Anne and I were young. How we would laugh and play and do all kinds of silly things that we never do now. I began to think about how I missed those days of living without a care in the world. This went on for about twenty minutes and I didn’t want them to wake up Anne and the kids so I went to the door to the common hallway and hollered down the stares. “Joe! HEY JOE!”

Joe opened the door and said, “I’m sorry about the noise.”

“Not that,” I said, “If it hurts that much use Vaseline.” I didn’t hear a peep for the rest of the night.

So theres this cop on the side of the road watching for speeders. He sees a convertible with 3 three teenagers in it.... and a PIG in the backseat. So the cop turns his siren and lights on and pulls them over.

"Wat are u guys doin with a pig?" he says.

The driver replies, " Well, officer, we saw him in the road and picked him up so he doesn't get run over."

The cop says, "I want you boys to take this pig right to the zoo. that's a gud place 4 him."

"alright officer will do." and they drive away.

Next day, the cop sees the same car, with the same teens, and the same pig in the backseat. So he pulls them over again.

"I thot I told u guys to take this pig 2 the zoo!"

"well, officer, that's just wat we did, and he had such a gud time, 2day we're takin him 2 King's Island."

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Bio:Hi, I am Daredevil499, love classic cars and muscle cars, I can rebuild a small engine. I am home schooled. I am also the oldest of 9 kids. I really want to race cars and be a NASCAR driver someday, a...read more »