Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I had a complete and total melt down a few weeks ago.I mean a full on sobbing, crying, runny nose, can’t breathe fit.Poor Tony looked at me like I had spontaneously given birth to a hippo right in front of him.This of course made me cry harder.I hate days when I am forced to confront the idea that PERHAPS I am not as butch as I think I am.

Everything around this pregnancy and the baby is wonderful.I am thrilled and completely over the moon with the process and with the idea that soon we will be parents.What I haven’t yet mentioned is that we are in the middle of a tear out on our house.The house is amazing, but we have a lot of work to do to get it ready.And as it turns out work is…well work.Truthfully I have no doubt that it will be done, because Tony has assured me it will.Tony is ACTUALLY butch and I trust him implicitly.

On this day though I was just completely overwhelmed with all of the good and bad stress of having a baby and getting a house ready EXPLODED.This is how I ended up a crying heap of emotional drama while Tony handed me tissues and tried to make it all better.I am normally always emotionally even keeled and even tempered.The salt of the earth, the rock of Gilbral… ok I respect all of you too much to lie.The truth is I am a tad bit…. expressive about whatever emotion I am feeling.I am a social worker after all, and as a people we tend to process, and discuss, and re-process everything to death.If you don’t believe me you should pop in for one of our interminably long staff meetings where we spend HOURS discussing where is the best place to put a soda machine so as to not offend anyone and to be inclusive of all the staff.Seriously.

So there I am a hysterical sobbing mess in a pool of tears and snot and I realized.HOLY SHIT we have a baby coming!Oddly enough I feel much much better now.LOL.I guess I needed to have that break down.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Your beautiful mom is starting to show.As you know she is already beautiful, but as I see you making your presence known, she looks even more beautiful.I am so excited about seeing the changes in her that mean you are here with all of us.

Today was your 11 week 1 day ultrasound.As soon as the image showed on the screen you were dancing. You were waving your arms and legs (YOU HAVE ARMS AND LEGS!AND FINGERS AND TOES!) all over the place.I am still completely overwhelmed by the emotions I have when I see you on that monitor.You did this little push off, like a swimmer in a pool, with your legs and flung yourself across the screen.Papa exclaimed and I started to cry.You look like a little person and not just a little blob.You have already changed our entire world.Papa and I are trying to get as prepared as possible for your arrival.I say as prepared as possible, because I know that as much as you have changed us, this is the easy part and only the beginning.

The Dr. says that everything looks good, and as always that is music to our ears.I love you.Papa loves you.And Mama Megan loves you.You continue to do your thing and grow and get healthy.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I have the best Mommy on the planet. There I said it. She was just a baby herself when she had me at 16 and she did it all by herself. She wasn't raised with the best example of great parenting. Her mother died when she was 3 and my grandfather...well... he was less than adequate. So I am often flabbergasted at how she was able to be the incredible mother that she was and continues to be to this day. No matter what I threw at her, coming out at 15, being arrested, dragging her through the hell that was my addiction, she has always been my biggest dupporter and best friend.

It is because of her that I so desperately want to be a parent. It is because of the incredible and unwavering love that she gives to me that I want to pass it on. I am so grateful to have such an exemplary example of what it means to be a parent. I love you Mommy! You are going to be UNSTOPPABLE as a Grandmother.

I am curious to the other same gender parents. How do you handle Mother's and Father's day? Do you share one? Split them up? Share them both? Tony and I have been wondering how that's going to look for us. We appreciate any ideas.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies! And daddies that are also mommies!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

9 weeks 1 day today.You are beautiful, we saw you at the Doctors today and you moved.You were wiggling all over the place.Your Papa grasped my arm he was so overcome by the sheer magnitude of knowing that you are safe and healthy.When he looks at you on the screen, or at the pictures we have, or even when he talks about you his face melts.He loves you so intently.Of the plethora of reasons why I love him this is my current favorite reason.

I am amazed by you.I am amazed at how much love I feel for you and how much that love multiplies every day.Seeing the changes that have occurred in you in the past two weeks is literally like seeing God.You are an amazing miracle.Today I am filled with a sense of relief, gratitude, and elation like I have never felt.Just knowing that you are healthy.

You have arms and legs and I cannot wait to touch your hands and kiss your toes.I love you more than I can express to you.

Thank you for allowing me to feel more joy, more love, and even more fear than I have ever felt.Be safe, and surrounded by our love.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Today is our anniversary.It’s funny to think that before we met I thought I was happy as the proverbial clam.I had no use for the complications of a relationship and I only dated men who had no potential to be around for very long.I used to wear my bachelorhood like a badge of honor, and I looked down my nose at people who I thought were weak for wanting to be in relationships.I would wrinkle my noise at friends who would gush about their partners, or pine over lost love.I would be loving and supportive on the exterior, but my interior monologue was much different.I always wanted to exclaim CONGRATULATIONS!When someone would tell me they were going through a break up.I know what an asshole!I just did not get it.

Then he came into my life and literally in an instant all of that changed.The very first time I made eye contact with him I knew something dangerous was going to happen.I was terrified and decided there and then that this person was to be avoided at all cost!I am so glad that he made it impossible for me to stay away from him. I remember that one day, after about 3 months, I woke up and rolled over and looked at him sleeping and thought to myself "Holy crap! He's still here! How did I let THAT happen?!?" And the truth is it happened because of exactly who he is. Tony is far from perfect, but he is absolutely perfect for me. I was absolutely right; being in love with someone DOES bring complications with it.It also brings something that I never knew I always wanted.My soul mate.Tony has a way of making everything okay, even when it’s not.He doesn’t have to do ANYTHING except take my hand and make me look into his eyes and somehow I just KNOW that it will work out.So today I am so grateful for all of the complications that have come from opening my heart to this man, because with them comes so many blessings. And now we are having a baby together.An unfortunate accident of biology made it difficult to create a family, but our love made it possible.

Happy Anniversary my little Smushy Mcboober Von itchy butt.You are the wind beneath my wings.You complete me.You make me want to be a better man.I do cherish you. Love means never having to say you're sorry. I'll never let go. Did I mention that you’re the wind beneath my wings?