LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND

LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND

Hello and welcome to a strange new world. You have traveled far through the desert, only to be met time and again by one empty oasis after another. You are lost and alone, wandering, wondering if someone, anyone, knows how you feel. And just when you think you can't go on, and no one could possibly understand your struggle, a hand reaches out to you, lifts you to your feet, and carries you to the promised land. He feeds you knowledge, shelters you from the self-righteous (and the ridiculous), and provides you with the tools you need to survive in this brave new world. You are a stranger in a strange land, but you are not alone. Let him be your guide. Follow closely as you travel together on this adventure of a lifetime. For now, you are a foreigner to "Fatherhood" but soon YOU will be the master of this realm.

"No Man is Expendable!"

This is Fodder 4 Fathers...

MY MOMMY TOLD ME NOT TO SWEAR (YET SHE AND EVERYBODY ELSE HAS NO PROBLEM DOING IT IN FRONT OF MY F@#KING KID): WHY I HATE A POTTY MOUTH

"What a cute motherf@#king baby you have."

WARNING FOUL LANGUAGE!!!!

You try to raise your kids right. You teach them how to be polite; you keep them away from violence on TV; you shelter them from things that they just don't need to know- things that aren't age appropriate- but somehow, through your best efforts, they still end up learning things that they shouldn't. And it's not because you're a bad parent, or a poor guardian, or even an insufficient caregiver- it's because you are surrounded by morons.

True, calling your extended family and friends “morons” isn’t necessarily the best way to make friends, but every time one of these imbeciles teaches your kid a new word without thinking, that is the exact word that comes in to your head: “moron!”

You spend your days and nights teaching little Sally or Simon how to say nice words like “please” and “thank you” and “bum.” Your unwed, unapologetic brother walks through the door and five minutes later your kid is saying “bite me” and “fucktard” and “asshole.” Why? Because your brother IS A MORON!!!

Look, I’m not perfect. I use a bad word here and there, but I rarely ever use one in front of my kid. And, sure, my wife’s got a mouth like a trucker, but even she has enough self-control to curb her cursing in front of our little girl- so why the f@#k can’t you???

How Many Times Can You Say "F@#K"

In One Film?

This goes for grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, older cousins, friends, co-workers, golf buddies, door to door salesmen, neighbors, and all sorts of nut jobs that knock on my door at odd hours of the day. If you can’t control your swearing in front of my kid, go the f@#k away! I don’t spend 99% of my day controlling what comes out of my mouth so you can walk in to my house and freely say whatever the f@#k you want. You think I enjoy saying “fudge” and “geez” and “golly?” No, I’d like to say “f@#k” whenever I stub my toe on one of my daughter’s toys, or “sh!t” whenever I inadvertently stick my hand in, well, sh!t when I’m changing her diaper. But I don’t. You think I like saying “darn” instead of “goddam it to f@#king hell” when I walk in the room to find my daughter has taken all her “washable” markers, which aren’t really all that washable, and has written god knows what all over my living room walls? F@#k no! But, I do it, and I expect anyone who walks through my front door to do the same.

Maybe it was my upbringing. I just don’t think children should swear. Maybe it’s all those times my mother washed my mouth out with soap when I was a kid? Maybe it’s all those big words my English Grandmother forced me to learn from the Oxford Old English Dictionary whenever I swore? May be it was all the hours I spent in the principal’s office for teaching bad words to other kids? Maybe it was the suspension I got in grade 4 for telling the vice principal to go “F@#k” himself with his “f@#king yard stick”?

I can’t really put my finger on it, but somewhere I just got this idea that kids that swear get in to a lot of trouble. So every time some f@#ker with a dirty mouth walks in to my house and lets ‘em rip, I want to go all Samuel Jackson on their ass… and politely ask them to, heh hem, leave if they can’t control their language. It’s the fatherly thing to do.

So, if you’re planning to stop by any time soon, please feel free, but please know this: if any of you motherf@#kers swear in front of MY f@#king kid, so I get called out of f@#king work the next day to drive to my daughter’s f@#king daycare and have to explain to all the other f@#king parents why MY kid taught all their f@#king rugrats how to f@#king use the “F” word, I’m going to be really P.O.’d, and I don’t mean “proud of.”

In short, what I’m trying to say is, don’t be an a-s-s-h-o-l-e and curb your f@#king language in front of my f@#king kid so I don’t have to kill you.

3 comments:

when I was in university i took a course on communication. The text for the course was the speech's of Winston Churchill. In that class we got into a discussion of slang and cussing. I learned in that class by using the English language and the proper meaning of the words you can can say the same thing with more power without using the slang and vulgar words like the f bomb and the like. It was an interesting course.

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Born out of one man's search for the meaning of life after the birth of his daughter, Fodder 4 Fathers is an entertaining and educational excursion in to the day-to-day domestication of the New Dad as he attempts to maneuvre through a life that is no longer his own. Humorous, poigniant, and always pushing the envelope, Fodder 4 Fathers is a learning experience like no other.
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