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Monday, February 22, 2016

Six Parenting Tips For Teens

Preparing Your Teen For Life

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When we first welcome our babies
into our arms, we automatically begin teaching them about life as we kiss them, talk to them,
snuggle them, and find everything they do amazing.We teach our kids to talk, walk, be kind,
share their toys, clean up their messes, eat, comb their hair, brush
their teeth, get dressed, ride a bike, watch out for traffic, read, and a
plethora of other important life skills. We execute hundreds of directives
throughout each day as we guide our kids through infancy and early childhood.
In fact, the “director’s hat” becomes such a commonplace accessory to our role
as mothers, that when it’s time to don a different one, we struggle to find one
that fits right. We find it hard to set aside such a comfortable fit. It’s been
broken in over the years. It is our security, our friend, our link to control. If
we replace it, how will our family recognize us?Will they take us seriously if we suddenly
switch styles? How will our kids do without us pointing the way, reminding them
of their responsibilities? Will they manage to step up to the plate?

Imagine your relationship with
your child as a road trip. You’re cruising along relating to your offspring in
the same way you always have. The car is in drive, and you are navigating all
of the familiar routes you’ve always taken, when suddenly your kiddo reaches
over and thrusts the car into reverse, sending you into a tailspin that you
have no idea how to get out of. This seems so sudden and unexpected, but it’s
really not. God created our children to separate from their parents at some
point, so they can launch into the mission He planned for them when they were
created.The child that needed to be
directed through each detail of life, has been prepared and it’s time now for
him to take responsibility for his own responsibilities. How do you gracefully
switch hats?What are you supposed to do
now?How do you relate to this sometimes
volatile form of the child you thought you knew so well?What does your child need from you?What is your new mission as the parent of
child who is quickly nearing the launching pad into adult life? How do you let
go while remaining engaged?

It’s a tough transition, and can
be confusing for both the child and the parent. Although I have experienced
raising teens five times now, it’s still easy to wear the director’s hat when
it’s completely inappropriate.Two of
our kids have been out of the nest for over ten years. I didn’t handle the
transition well at all with our oldest child. It caught me by surprise and I couldn’t
get out of the tailspin. As a result, God taught me some important lessons. I
still mess up with my teens. I still forget some of these lessons from time to
time.It’s been a three step forward/two
step back, process for me, but these are some of the valuable lessons I’ve
gleaned along the way.

1.Let
your child fail sometimes.

If you remind
them of their responsibilities too often, you can actually rob them of profitable
lessons they could have learned the first time they were challenged in this
area. For example:After being strictly
home schooled their entire lives, our kids enrolled in a Christian school this
year that meets two days a week.Most of
their classes are taken at the school, but we have to fill in with a couple of subjects
at home.In our first parent/teacher
meeting, they were given instructions about keeping track of their hours for
these classes, and we purchased a planner for each of them for this
purpose.I constantly reminded them to
fill out their planners.I constantly
reminded them that they needed to do their home classes and account for the
time.I was a wreck when we had the
first parent/teacher conference because I knew they had failed to embrace these
important responsibilities and it would go on their report
cards/transcripts.Sure enough, it was a
train wreck at that first meeting.After
that, I planted my “director’s hat” more firmly on my head and pounced on them
constantly.This was completely
ineffective. This has been the most challenging and stretching year for my
kids. I can certainly empathize with them because they are under a ton of
pressure with their classes at school, and found it difficult to wrap their heads
around the importance of record keeping and completing deadlines for their
classes at home.I was frustrated, and
stressed out in a completely unhealthy way. I’m pretty sure my blood pressure
went way up.Suddenly I realized that in
an effort to protect them from possible long term consequences, I was taking
responsibility for something that wasn’t mine to own.I was trying to play interference for them so
they wouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of their choices, and instead, I
was sinning against them in the process by my condemning attitude and constant
nagging When I did some soul searching, I was able to pinpoint where this was
coming from. Fear. Fear for their futures, rather than trust in God for the
outcome.

Proverbs 3:5-7 says:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.Be
not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord,
and turn away from evil.”

And James 1:5-6 says:

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let
him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given
him.6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for
the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the
wind.”

So I went to the
Lord seeking wisdom, and then I called my friend, Durenda.Sometimes we need the perspective of another
mom who isn’t in our exact scenario.Sometimes God uses the freshness of an objective source to provide us
with wise counsel, and Durenda is another seasoned mom, who over the years, has
spoken into my life and God has allowed me to speak into hers.We need friends like this who love God, who
are in God’s Word and know it well, and who measure everything by the Bible as
their standard.

After talking
and praying with her, God provided the perfect plan.It’s simple.

Don’t run interference for your
kids.

Trust them to the Lord. Pray for
them.Encourage them. Counsel them as
God leads, and let them experience rewards and consequences for their own
choices. So, I backed off and left it up to the kids, praying for them and
trusting God for the outcome. At the next meeting, the kids answered to their
lead teacher and it was a tough consequence, but an effective one.They had to do a lot of back tracking to fill
in their planners, and they had to knock out some history assignments and tests
quickly in order to be where they should have been at that point.It was stressful. It was painful. It was
difficult for me to watch, and at that point, it was also important for me to
refrain from saying “I told you so.” Underneath my fear was a deep sense of
compassion for them. I knew they were under heavy loads, and yet I was adding
to those loads by my constant nagging, rather than bringing them the relief I
desired. Since that meeting each of them is taking full responsibility for
their home classes and record keeping. Taking a hands off approach is something
parents of teens need to do more frequently as they are becoming less dependent
on us, and learning to navigate life more independently.

2.Pray for
them

Pray for them
and take every opportunity for discipleship. Come alongside them, and be
available without nagging. Take time to listen, ask questions, show an interest
in what they are interested in, and provide opportunities for life experience
while they are still under your protection and guidance.Pray with them, take them to the scriptures,
always pointing them back to God and His Word.

3.Take Swift Action

When discipline is necessary, ask questions to help
them search their own hearts and draw their own conclusions.Use few words, listen a lot, and provide
consistent, appropriate consequences when necessary.I am very verbal and I can tell when my
family’s eyes glaze over, that they are no longer hearing my barrage of words.
They’re just waiting for me to be quiet so life can move on, and they can go
back to the status quo. It’s a tough one to apply, but it’s important to simply
take action in love, without a ton of explanation.

4. Enjoy
them

Remember
they are amazing and created in His image. Watch them. Admire them. Listen to
them and enjoy their sense of humor, stories, antics, and their talents. There
is nothing more amazing than watching your children as they emerge from
childhood into teens with amazing talents and insight. Sometimes the wisdom
they share astounds me, and reminds me that God is definitely at work in their
hearts and lives. Be sure you express
the beautiful things you see in them and let them know they are loved and cherished.

5. Allow
them to ask the tough questions

When
your kids question your beliefs, or your opinions it’s easy to feel threatened
and respond with a knee jerk reaction, but be prepared ahead of time that it
WILL happen and remember that this is a very healthy thing, as long as they are
respectful and honoring in their attitudes.If they question you, remember they will question others, as well and
that’s a positive and necessary skill. You can help them learn critical
thinking skills if you don’t take this personally, and you can assist them in
developing discernment if you handle this objectively, and prayerfully. If you
don’t know how to deal with their questions in the moment, tell them they have
asked a good question that you can’t answer right now, but that you will get
back to them as soon as you have had a chance to think it through. Encourage
them by communicating how wonderful it is that they are thinking for
themselves, and questioning things.

6. Trust them to God

As moms we tend to worry about
our kids, but it’s important to remember that God is sovereign over their lives
and he created them for a purpose.They
will not die one day sooner than they are supposed to, and no amount of worry will
change that.“I have suffered many
things in my life time, most of which never happened.”I forget where I heard this quote, but it has
stuck with me.

John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to
you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

You are SO blessed! Wow! Is that thirteen altogether? Or is it nine? Either way, you are a very blessed mom! Are they all boys? I'm with you. I need constant reminders, too. It's easy to get stuck in the rut of how we have always related with our kids, and not allow the process to change us and sanctify us. Thank you for sharing and I will pray for you. <3 We all need each other. :)

Great post! We have one son who's just entering his teens, and three others who've left, or are at the upper end of the teens. Speaking for how things were with the older ones, I have to say that my abiding memory is of laughter! Yes, there were 'issues' to be worked out, but I would say to any mum with teens, 'Above all, *laugh* with them. Chill out enough to simply *enjoy* their company' (well, when I say, 'above all', my REAL 'above alls' are spiritual. After all, their souls will never die, and spiritual matters have eternal consequences. Of course) .... But still, I think enjoying them for who they are, and who they're becoming is of critical importance. After all, if they see you don't like being with them, you cannot wonder when they turn to other company for advice etc.

Hi Anne! Thank you for sharing. I am in full agreement with you. Laughter is so important and that's one of my favorite things about teens. They are so witty and fun! I think your focus is spot on! Blessings to you,Jana <3

Welcome

Bio

Jana Taft is a happily married wife to her best friend Rich, mom to seven awesome kiddos, and goes by “Nama” to her eight beautifulgrandblessings. Grandblessing number nine is under construction and her familyeagerly awaits his arrival in October. Jana has been blogging for over tenyears and enjoys writing, photography, decorating her home, writing music,singing with family and friends in different venues, and has dabbled inresearch on the subject of nutrition for over twenty years. She began her homeschool journey twenty-six years ago, and continues to teach her five childrenthat still live at home. Jana enjoys writing about many different subjects includingsharing her favorite recipes with other busy moms who desire to providehealthy, nutritious meals that are simple and easy, for their families. Being agood steward in all areas including health, fitness, nutrition, teaching andtraining her children, friendships, and talents is a passion God has laid onher heart. To glorify God with her life is her strongest desire, and shebelieves that pressing into Him for strength and wisdom each day is the onlyway to be equipped for life on this earth.