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Friday, February 5, 2016

How to feel the wrath

Yesterday was a shear and utter disaster in our little world. Mid morning, I received an email from Seattle saying that the Doctor was scheduled out well into March and they would get us in for something during the next month.

I was livid. I went from content to contempt in seconds. I went from stable to my the room spinning in less time than it takes to flinch. My heart flooded with adrenaline and literally forgot to beat and ached with fury. Yes, me. Little, mild mannered me was coming apart in the most magnificent way.

I fired off emails of discontent to the nurse in Seattle and to our doctor in Boston. I made phone calls to our family doctor. No one answered my calls. Within the hour though, I heard back from Dr. Shimamura. She agreed with me that this was not something that could wait until March. She promised me on our first phone call two weeks ago that if at any time, she felt we were in a dire situation, she advise me to stay put and work with the oncologist we have. We aren't dire yet, but we can't wait either.

After an hour, I heard back from the nurse in Seattle. She said that the plan, if I agreed, was to have a conference call with our family doctor so that he could arrange for all the testing and biopsies that Dr. K in Seattle wants. When those results have been returned to Dr. K, then we will go to Seattle for a treatment plan....unless...she has cancer unrelated to the bone marrow or if she has metastatic cancer. In this scenario, we will have to seek treatment with a different doctor specializing in malignancies.

I felt bad and I felt relieved. I apologized to the nurse for being upset and she agreed that this has been a circus so far.

But..the day dragged on. I had an IEP meeting for Sam. His last one. His IEP team has been phenomenal. They have been one of the greatest educational supports I have ever experienced with any of the kids. It was hard though. They kept asking Sam what his plan was upon graduation. I don't think they actually were, but to me, it felt like they were drilling and grilling him, like he had to decide the next 10 years right there and then! Sam was lost. He doesn't even know what he is going to do next Monday, let alone the day after graduation. What they don't know is that he is terrified of what is happening to Shelbie and he is terrified of the decisions he is faced with in three months.

I was getting upset watching him struggle to give them an answer that most every other 18 year old could give who doesn't have to wonder how long they have to live. That anger from the previous events of the morning bubbled up to the surface and I wanted to turn over the table and run out of the room screaming, with Sam dragging behind me. "Don't you understand that I don't really care about you, about school, about making stupid plans? What I care about is that my kids are dying!!" That's the ticker tape of dialog in my head in that moment, so glad I didn't use my inside voice. Instead, I sat there, willing myself to calm down. To not cry. This was not their fault.

The day continued to crumble apart and then ended with a bang! Sam had put off two Government assignments that the teacher was giving him an extra day to do. I was tempted to just tell him to forget it. As long as we get a D, what do I care. Instead, I sat down at 10pm to help him, when I finally finished work for the day, and I was angry. It was a major assignment. Not something we could knock out in 10 minutes. I could not contain myself. I was tired, I still hadn't made dinner for the kids and I could care less about Government.

Sam got the brunt of my bad attitude and I really hurt his feelings. Sam was upset, Shelbie was just trying to stay out of the fray and was cleaning the house and I felt ashamed.

When we finally said our prayers and headed to bed, I had mended my undoings.

I laid in bed sobbing and realized that as much as I talk of Christ. As much as I praise God. As much as I try to do what it is right...I have totally miscalculated the workings of the adversary. He can not be happy with the progress we are making to be fit for Heaven. Yesterday, he reminded me that he isn't going to let us travel to Heaven without a fight. There will be missed connections, delays of all variety, roadblocks and potholes, all designed to convince us to detour from the road we must travel.

Yesterday, I let him win. Yesterday, I thought it was all God's fault but God wasn't making life miserable for me, the Adversary was. I was making life miserable for me.

Lesson learned, or more correctly, a lesson I am learning. Satan has a wrath that comes unleashed when we least expect...or maybe when should be expecting it. He wants to own us just as much as God does. The choice is ours. The more we try to do what is right, the harder Satan will fight. It's so true...

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"For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee...I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer...For the mountains will depart and the hills shall be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.

Oh thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted! Behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones...great shall be the peace of thy children. Thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear, and from terror for it shall not come near thee." 3 Nephi 22:7-14