What I've discovered in the last 16 weeks

I see that it's been 15 weeks and five days since I first posted here. That must have been right after I heard Melissa talking about her book and thinking - that sounds a lot like us. Since then I've read the ADHD and marriage book, a lot of delivered from distraction and a lot of posts here. I've talked to my husband about some of what I've read and we've talked about how some things about ADHD sound kind of like him.
Our marriage isn't bad but there are things I thought could be better and they sound a lot like ADHD & marriage. I have to say that I think things have gotten a lot better since I've learned more about this. My husband is not diagnosed with this and he isn't pursuing anything further with it which is fine with me. I think though that we have both made some positive changes through increased awareness. I'm relieved and more positive about a lot of things just knowing there may be a logical explanation for his behavior other than just not caring about me. He's also been more helpful after we talked about how much responsibility I have and how little he has. I also learned through our talks that me making lists for him was helpful from his perspective. Previously I prided myself on not stooping to "honey do" lists. Now I use my iPhone to keep the list which I send to him and he does many of the things though sometimes not as quickly as I'd like.
What I have learned here is that if my husband has ADD then it must not be too bad because our life is nothing like what other people describe here. I love so many things about him and all the little stuff he does like leaving cabinet doors open, lights on, doors unlocked, interrupting, changing topic mid-conversation, misplacing things, etc just isn't a big deal. He's a good and caring person, has good values, has good "habits" like reading, running, tennis, golf, etc. and doesn't spend time in bars, chasing other women, gambling, etc. He loves and respects me, encourages me to do things I otherwise wouldn't do, and makes my life fun and adventurous which it wouldn't be without him.
In retrospect I can see that he was exactly like he is now when I met him 35 years ago. Fortunately I wasn't aspiring to be a SAHM or to find a man to support me. I expected to have a career and be able to support myself. That has served us well since I am often the only breadwinner in the household. One thing I've thought as I've read here is for people early in a relationship with someone with ADHD behaviors - assume that they will never change. Decide if you can be happy with this person as they are and particularly decide if you can raise children with this person behaving as they do. Or people who are married and challenged with an ADHD spouse - are you really prepared to raise and support a child or another child? We never had kids - not by choice just didn't happen - and that was for the best I think.
So I think I am pretty much done learning about ADHD for now. I think there are varying degrees of ADHD-ness and in my case I don't think it's enough to require any further intervention. Somehow we have figured out how to live with it pretty well.

Comments

Like yourself, I never planned to be a SAHM or to be financially supported by a husband. My husband has ALWAYS worked (and very little job hopping, either). We are both medical professionals and earn good incomes. My husband also doesn't drink, womanize, gamble, go out to bars, and is very thrifty with money (he's not a good financial planner; he just never really spends any money). I would imagine that I would be more sanguine about his ADD if there were just the two of us. In fact, I know I was before. But now we have several children.

Before we had kids, little things like leaving doors open/unlocked, misplacing things, etc. were also inconsequential to me. Then the kids came along, and those open doors invited toddlers to walk out; those misplaced items were the keys to my car that I couldn't find as I was trying to rush my kid to the doctor.

THEN: Forgot to bring home bread? That's cool. I'll make muffins.

NOW: Forgot to bring home baby formula (infant screaming in the background)? NOT cool.

These sorts of things are always contextual. You are "cool" with often being the only breadwinner; I wonder if you could sustain that cool if you had an accident and couldn't work for an extended period of time. Still gonna need "bread"- insurance, medicine, possibly paid caregivers, etc...

I say all this to point out that many of the women on this forum probably would have "figured out how to live with "it" pretty well (well, except some of these spouses seem to have major character flaws in addition to ADD/ADHD). But then life- or kids came along. Circumstances changed. Situations happened that required a spouse to step up to the plate. And he/she couldn't even FIND the plate. Just saying.

I completely agree - things are very different with kids. We always said if we were meant to have kids we would and if it didn't happen (without intervention) then it wasn't meant to be. I think I now understand why it wasn't meant to be. As I've posted on other occasions my life would be very different if we had kids and much more difficult I'm sure. That's why I say people in this situation should think carefully about how they will manage life with kids and ADHD spouse. Fortunately we have reached a point in life where we have contingency plans for disability, etc. That was not the case when we were younger and I was seriously ill for over two years. Fortunately my husband did handle everything pretty well at that time. I think he actually does better under pressure. What would probably cause the biggest problem is if I die first.