M&M's are small chocolates with candy shells. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. And they're not fucking supposed to taste like carrot cake. Or candy corn. JUST BE M&M's, M&M's. It's not that hard.

Also, fire your marketing research team, M&M's, because if they said your target market wants you to taste like candy corn and carrot cake, they're wrong. Or they're trying to market you to the worst kind of human beings on this planet. Either way: fired.

cre8tivecompass.com

Abomination.

We were all mad enough at you when you came out with white chocolate candy corn M&M's (because: dumb), but what on earth were you thinking with these carrot cake M&M's? "It's Eastertimes, so let's blow everyone's faces off with disgusting!"

Were there several other not-chocolate options on the table that were thrown out at the flavor concepting meeting?

"Lots of ideas were thrown out at the meeting, but it came down to either carrot cake or pasta bowl. We went with carrot cake this time around. The vote was NOT unanimous."

I'm so sad that carrot cake M&M's exist. I'm sure actual carrot cake is pissed about it, and I would bet that carrot cake M&M's themselves are completely shame-filled. As they should be.

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It's called marketing. It's also called don't buy it or eat it if you don't like it. I for one may have my qualms with the flavor ideas behind some products, but by no means do I feel the world should cater to me just because I don't like something. Then again, I'm not Texan, so maybe I just don't get the self-entitled Texas attitude. I'm sure if Texas had its way with M&M's it would be liquor filled or have more ridiculous flavors like white chocolate jalapeno road house bbq smoky horse meat jerky or milk chocolate bacon tobacco dip spit bowl or Matt McConaughey suave dark chocolate pube hair.

Allice Laussade-- I am kind of am in love with you. Been reading your column for the past year. Fucking brilliant. As long as your are not over 300 lbs or a lesbian please contact me jasonbprd@gmail.com.