The Art of Seduction

Along with the semester starting to settle its way into a steady routine for most students, one of the most important occasions of the year comes around once again. The annual ‘Fresher Grabbing’ festival, which I have just now been informed has never actually been called that, and apparently isn’t the correct collective name for Clubs and Societies Days, has come and gone. Many college clubs and socs are now left hoping that their efforts have been enough to have persuaded freshers to join. Spirits among freshers were mixed, with many putting a heavy amount of consideration into their likelihood of getting the ride in each club or society. Naturally, one would assume that clubs have had a long-standing advantage in this area given that their members are fit, sporty people. However, this year many first years have been weighing up if the possibility of getting with an attractive person was worth the effort of actually taking part in a sport.

Sex appeal has been a common thread that seems to have come to the fore for this year’s batch of first years as they were asked what determined their decisions to join. “Well, to be honest, I wasn’t too interested in whatever they were saying, but there were some nice looking lads, so g’wan like!” claims first year social studies student Kathleen Hornibrook after coming out of Devere Hall with a near ridiculous amount of flyers and other promotional materials. “I’d say for a lot of people you couldn’t be arsed what they do, more who they do and how often”.

This year it was claimed by many that the political parties made a huge effort to sex up their image. Attendees at Socs Day could only standby as furious arguments broke out between both Young Fine Gael and Ógra Fianna Fáil about whether “the Big Fella” or “the Long Fella” was a better innuendo. Despite what some would assume, there was actually some interest in both groups, with their attempts to shake the stigma of being part of conservative parties succeeding with surprising results. Many freshers were confident in their ability to pretend to care about Irish political matters convincingly enough to get themselves laid. “Honestly if you asked me a week ago, I’d never join them, but there’s something about severe sexual repression that makes you think they’d actually be wild,” first year Jamie O’Shea weighs in, asserting that “you’d imagine they have to vent harder than anyone else.”

Several first years have expressed concern after rumours have surfaced about a society that, for legal reasons, I cannot name, but I can say that it may be the youth wing of the current main opposition party. One fresher, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that “there was a person giving me the eyes, and I was interested until I looked closer and realised they were blinking “BLOOD SACRIFICE. SEND HELP” in Morse code. To be honest I wasn’t surprised, it was just a little unsettling.”

Only time will tell which freshers have made the correct choices, and which of them have accidentally launched themselves into the dark world of occultism.