Zez says: Mighty J-Zez has struck out

Published 5:39 pm, Thursday, February 13, 2014

If you don't see me in spring training, hitting baseballs over the fence and signing autographs for adoring fans, it will be because I was recently on steroids, which unfortunately did nothing to help me hit baseballs over the fence and explains why nobody wants my autograph.

My dream of making it to the big leagues began when a sore throat put me on the disabled list. So I went to Stat-Health, a walk-in clinic in Port Jefferson Station, N.Y., and sat down with enough people to fill the bleachers at a spring training game. All that was missing was a guy selling beer, which would have helped my throat considerably.

Instead, I saw the next best person, Dr. Richard Goldstein, who looked at my throat and said, "It's really inflamed. I am going to give you a strep test."

"Strip?" I asked, indicating that my ears were affected, too. "You mean I have to take my clothes off?"

"No," said Dr. Goldstein. "I am going to take a culture."

"The only culture I have comes from yogurt," I informed him, adding that my throat was so sore that I almost couldn't talk, gratifying my family and friends.

"You don't have strep," Dr. Goldstein said when the test results came back a few minutes later.

"I guess it's true that when it comes to being sick, men are babies," I said.

"Yes, we are," Dr. Goldstein acknowledged. "But don't worry, I won't tell anyone. It's part of our doctor-patient confidentiality. Still, I want to get rid of the inflammation in your throat, so I am going to prescribe steroids."

"There goes my baseball career," I told Dr. Goldstein, who also prescribed antibiotics, which I had to take after I finished the steroids.

I was on steroids for six days. I didn't feel any stronger, maybe because my idea of weightlifting is doing 12-ounce curls, but I wondered if the steroids could help me hit a baseball, something I hadn't done with any regularity since Little League. And even then, half a century ago, I was terrible.

To find out, I went to Matt Guiliano's Play Like a Pro, an indoor hitting and pitching facility in Hauppauge, N.Y.