March 2017

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The Rogue Recap: May 5-11

The Rogue Recap takes a look back at the good, the bad, and the bizarre of the past week in the realms of entertainment, politics, culture, and society. In this week’s edition:

Young Man Ruins France, According to Old People

Former investment banker Emmanuel Macron won the French presidency on May 7, with 66.1% of the vote, against former French National Front president Marine Le Pen. Macron ran on a platform promising stronger cooperation with the European Union and a focus on globalization and mending a divided France. Macron’s victory has been regarded as a rejection of the growth of populism, which has found manifestations in the United States and the Philippines, among other countries. At 39, Macron will be the youngest President in French history, and will no doubt be branded a “millennial” by opposing forces anyway. Le Pen is expected to tweet angrily about Macron’s charm, while swooning housewives all over France are expected to, of course, open a macaron business in the young president’s name.

Meme from 2015 Makes a Comeback

Contrary to popular belief, pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles is not running free in the streets to take your children and pillage your houses. On May 8, the Court of Appeals acquitted Napoles of the charges filed against her by Benhur Luy, who claimed to have been imprisoned inside a Makati subdivision so as not to be able to reveal information about Napoles’s alleged scam. However, Napoles is still in detention due to her pending plunder cases. As a result, children are still allowed outdoors after 6 PM until further notice.

Government Says “There, There” After 45 Years

In line with Republic Act 10368, monetary compensation was given to 317 victims of human rights violations during the period of martial law under dictator Ferdinand Marcos. They are the first of 4,000 claimants to receive reparation from the Human Rights Victims’ Claims Board. The HRVCB emphasizes that this compensation is only partial; the victims are still entitled to other forms of reparation from other government agencies. The Board also states that the money is symbolic, acknowledging that no sum will truly compensate for their suffering. Meanwhile, victims of human rights violations under the faux-dictatorship of President Rodrigo Duterte can expect their compensation in five thousand years.

Local Internet Troll Gets a Job

Sentient meme Mocha Uson was appointed assistant secretary of the Presidential Communications Operations Office, presumably after her experiences as a board member of the Movie and Television Review and Classification Board proved to be too stressful. President Duterte has confirmed that Uson’s appointment was his decision, stating that it was a show of gratitude for her support. Uson will operate under Communications Secretary Martin Andanar. Due to Uson’s and Andanar’s expertise in fiction, the PCOO will now be publishing all official statements in the form of short stories, and the Office will hold weekly Dungeons & Dragons sessions in order to make more informed choices regarding the state of our country.

This Week: Politicians Beat the Record for Most Bad Decisions Per Minute

Former military chief Roy Cimatu was appointed Environment Secretary in the wake of Gina Lopez’s rejection. When asked about his qualifications, Cimatu claims to have climbed trees as a young, feral child. Meanwhile, Armed Forces of the Philippines chief General Eduardo Año is set to become secretary of the Department of the Interior and Local Government after his retirement from the AFP in October. When asked about his qualifications, Año stated that his wife is into interior decorating. Meanwhile, toy thief Alan Peter Cayetano has been appointed Foreign Affairs Secretary. When asked about his qualifications, Cayetano blushed and mumbled something about being noticed by senpai. Not to be outdone, United States President Donald Trump fired Federal Bureau of Investigation director James B. Comey. When asked for an explanation, Trump responded by turning off his phone and making par at a notoriously difficult eighteen-hole course.