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Experiment with the ‘purr boom’. This effect occurs when a purr is processing faster than a kitten. Conscious humans (see previous post about difficulties caused by sleeping humans) are extremely susceptible to this effect. By deploying boss kitten as the purrer, I am able to remain observing. The ‘purees’ have been observed looking for the purrer before she even enters the room, reaching for treat packets and lowering their hands to ground level in preparation to provide tummy rubs and stroking. Actions do not appear conscious by the human, and I must suspect that some primal instinct in their brain responds to the passage of the purr boom. Most useful.

Bad day for science. Always so much planning to do. Carefully lining up all elements. Bossy Lab Chief Kitty stole my physics and published results as her own. Ate something called a COSHH. It had flavour.

Continuing my study of the so called great scientists. Today Isaac Newton. Verdict – unimpressed. After all who cares about apples?

Gravity as it affects a packet of raw sausages on the kitchen counter is a far more interesting question. Due to the inter-connectedness of sausages, entirely possible that once one sausage falls they all will. Could sausages be gravitons?

If so, gravitons are tasty.

Tested experimental limits on the acceleration of sausages when making a rapid exit. Limits are: the slippy tiles, the turn by the kitchen door and the rug that rucks up when you run on it at speed. Otherwise

Vs ≈ vk >vh

Where vs is the velocity of sausage, vk is the velocity of science kitten and vh is just pathetic. Poor human.

Working on making the ultimate food stuff, breeding tuna with chicken! Science is expensive. Have brought in marketing kitty to do audience research and attract sponsorship.

I am focussing on sourcing tuna, very tricky to fit through the catflap.

Marketing kitty reports discouraging early results. Focus group not enthused by “chuna” as they can’t tell the difference or “ticken” because they think it sounds boring. They have identified a third option, crossing a tuna with a pasty, to create “Tasty”.

Bloody marketing! I can’t breed a pasty with anything. If I could, that American Pie film franchise would have run very differently.

Lab notes: Have recently noticed disturbing trend towards deafness in humans whilst in their bed. They definitely know I am there, but do not seem to hear my purrs or reasonable requests for food or access to the outdoors. Situation especially severe if the noise box in the corner of their room has not started beeping.

Hypothesis: humans needs trigger noises to become able to hear. Purring ineffectual, must test other sounds to find alternative to beeping box.

Test day 1: Urination in corner of room – extremely effective. Near instantaneous reaction to the sound and acknowledgement of my needs.

However, standard lab conditions jeopardised by washing of carpet and moving of furniture to deny access to my experimental area. Shall have to formulate alternate approach for tomorrow. Or maybe they will be more sensitised and respond to purring without additional prompts.

Lab notes: Have recently noticed disturbing trend towards deafness in humans whilst in their bed. They definitely know I am there, but do not seem to hear my purrs or reasonable requests for food or access to the outdoors. Situation especially severe if the noise box in the corner of their room has not started beeping.

Hypothesis: humans needs trigger noises to become able to hear. Purring ineffectual, must test other sounds to find alternative to beeping box.

Test day 1: Urination in corner of room – extremely effective. Near instantaneous reaction to the sound and acknowledgement of my needs.

However, standard lab conditions jeopardised by washing of carpet and moving of furniture to deny access to my experimental area. Shall have to formulate alternate approach for tomorrow. Or maybe they will be more sensitised and respond to purring without additional prompts.

Have heard of something called ‘stem cells’. Apparently they are basic animal cells that can grow into other kinds of cells. They might be a more successful way of developing thumbs as mandated by Bossy Lab Chief Kitty. No samples available in the inadequately stocked supply room called ‘the kitchen’. Found a promising sample of simple biomatter in the garden and brought it into lab area. Very pleased with specimen’s potential. My excitement draws attention of human. Sample removed. Am told ‘earthworms belong in the garden’. The luddites strike another blow against science.