Mar 25, 2016

Lately

The boys are finally in bed and the rain is softly falling outside. I tucked Cohen in, practiced the song he is singing Easter Sunday, said prayers, and we listened to the rain for a minute. I told him that when it rains at night time it is very special because it makes you sleep extra good and have extra good dreams. Elliot was still awake and had just made a mess in his diaper, on top of being sticky from getting into his candy filled Easter eggs from the day before. Listing everything that needed to be done before we wen to sleep, (brush teeth, wipe him down, wash my face, clean the house, I instantly felt so tired I could just collapse, so I decided to forget about the house, gather him and our toothbrushes and just get in the shower and knock everything else out in a one stop shop. Realizing he was getting to stay up a bit longer, Elliot was so eager to get in the shower and play for a bit that he was trying his hardest to take of his own clothes and climb in. I helped him in, pulled up my hair, and then quickly followed. It felt so relaxing. He played at my feet with his toys, as I washed my face with my beloved clarisonic. I brushed our teeth, washed us, and soaked up our little quality time together. He was looking up at me with a silly grin and water drops on his eyelashes, grabbing at my feet to get a reaction from me. I would splash some water beside him and he would giggle. It was time to get out and as soon as he saw that I put on my towel he stands up and says, "me! me!" so I wrapped him up in his warm towel and then anticipated the next part, the very best part, where he lays his wet towel hooded head on my shoulder and just lets his body hang, knowing that I will hold him tight and carry him to his room. Lavender lotion, brushing his hair, and putting his on his matching pjs, which are a little to big, but it is so cute to see him tromp around in them trying to select the perfect "boookkk" to read. We read a few stories and then sang our bedtime lullaby, baby mine, and it is so wonderful because he sings along with me, smiling when we both drag out the last word in the verse. The song is followed by giggly kisses and then I tuck him in with his batman doll and baby blankets, to which he says "danks." Then it is "Wuv Ewe" and "Night" and I turn out the lights and slip quietly out. I wish he could remember these moments always like I can. I read somewhere that the most important time you spend with you children are the ten minutes after they wake up in the morning and their nap, and the ten minutes before bed. These are indeed the most special to me, the ones I hold closest to my heart, because they are the most tender, when you feel the weight of how much they need you, even if it is just holding them when they are grumpy after a nap.

Lately I have been just soaking up these little moments as best as I can, because soon another little one will need me as well, and I will have to find ways to carve out this quality time with everyone. Cam has been gone for what feels like forever. He comes home on some weekends which I am so thankful for, but they fly by like weekends always do, and I am left alone again, and pregnant as ever. He tells me to relax while he is gone, and so does my body, but my mind needs distraction and projects. Never ending lists get written and ridiculous home projects make it to the top priorities, and the only way I can make sense of my need to do so much is just that I am trying to keep myself busy until he comes home. Relax he says, so I paint our bedroom furniture. Relax he says, but I have to keep the house clean or I will go crazy, but I overdo it and completely clean out our mudroom and organize every drawer in our kitchen. Relax everyone says, so I choose to naturally dye two dozen eggs with Cohen which is of course way more complicated, but it was fun. These projects make me so excited, excited to see the final results, eager to see something beautiful and that it is out there in the world now. Eager to make memories with my boys before I am nursing a baby all day long. Eager to meet his baby. I know why I want to do crazy things, like paint our bathroom, and it is because I am just anxious, and trying to cope with that as best as I can.

As much as I feel anxiety, I am filled with so much gratitude, and so much happiness of what is about to come. I had been feeling depressed about a month ago, with Cam being gone so much, but the happiness that has filled the hole of depression comes from how thankful I am, for the joy I find in motherhood in the days with my boys, to a husband who works so hard for us, to my family who is always willing to help me when I need it, to a new little boy we are getting close to meeting. I am thankful for every beautiful thing I see, and try to focus on that rather than the ugly and negative things going on in the world right now. A lot of it makes me really sad and confused, and I get uncomfortable with how heated it can make people with each other (I'm talking politics here). So I am always looking for projects to do, because focusing on making something beautiful that needs attention has really helped me overcome the anxiety I was feeling, that I think we all feel from time to time. Noticing people being meek and kind has also been lifting me up. I look for examples of this everyday, whether it be strangers or my own family, these are the qualities I respect and notice the most, and when I witness this I am so inspired to be better and I just feel good about the world again.

Here is what is bringing me the most joy right now.

1. Being so close to meeting our new son.

2. Listening to Cohen practice his Easter solo.

3. Flowers on the trees, in the grass, and on my clothes.

4. Southern cooking lunches at The Cupboard downtown.

5. Waking up next to Cohen after he has snuck in my bed in the night.

6. Hearing Elliot say new words everyday.

7. Elliot dancing to every song he hears

8. Wearing Cam's clothes, even his socks, because I miss him.

9. Gratitude for our extended family

10. Accomplishing little projects around the house and marking things off my lists.

What am I going to try to accomplish next week? Planning Cohen a little party, finding the last of what I need for my hospital bag, and probably painting something if I have enough energy. But as for now I am looking forward to the weekend and seeing Cam, getting the boys Easter outfits and baskets ready, and seeing my family on Sunday for egg hunting, hopefully the rain won't spoil the fun! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and as always thank you for reading my late night ramblings.

Also, if you are interested in dyeing your own eggs using natural dye there are lot's of recipes on Pinterest on how to achieve the different colors. I was so inconsistent with our techniques and tried so many different methods that I hardly feel comfortable writing a tutorial, many others have wonderful instructions on this that I found super helpful! We loved the way ours turned out and will be eating boiled eggs for the next week!