Wednesday, May 11, 2016

And then there were none...

I was pregnant until last week when I had a miscarriage and then I wasn't pregnant anymore.

Part of me wants to say that is the beginning and the end of the story, but of course, it isn't.

I found out I was pregnant by accident. I had a UTI and went to Planned Parenthood. When we were calculating my last period, which I never keep track of and only vaguely remember, the nurse realized I was late and required me to have a pregnancy test. IMMEDIATELY, the visit changed from, "Holy shit you feel like your vagina is being stabbed by knives when you pee?!," to "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR IMPENDING BABY THAT YOU DIDN'T REALLY PLAN AND DOESN'T CURRENTLY AFFECT THE STATE OF AFFAIRS CONCERNING YOUR PAINFUL URINATION!!!!"

Uhh, it was incredibly annoying and also incredibly telling.

I had to tell Adam, because I had to. Even though I was only a few weeks along and really, really, really wanted to stop having painful urination and an infection and frequent urination, I had to disclose to Adam. I also disclosed to my mom and a friend. I specifically chose to tell absolutely no one else because... Well, for starters, I'm old as fuck. And I'm really fucking tired of hearing, "But my best friend got pregnant by accident for the first time when she was FORTY!" It's like every person I ever spoke to whom I previously thought had half a brain suddenly lost their smarts for some anecdotal evidence about pregnancy that was very clearly full of cultural pressure and not even related to me at all. Heaven for-fucking-bid I actually tell people, "Hey, I'm pregnant, which wasn't planned but also wasn't prevented. I'm old as fuck and might have a chromosomally disordered baby or just miscarry for no apparent reason. I'm also fat which leads to a whole host of possible complications and I have a pretty decent chance of a first trimester miscarriage. So I'm not going to get excited about this potential fetus until I'm sure it's viable."

People already think I'm kind of fucking crazy in a sometimes adorable way, so I really didn't feel the need to lay down all my thoughts about pregnancy on them when, seriously, biology might just wipe that shit out.

Biology did wipe that shit out. Last Wednesday, I dropped my impending fetus into the toilet with several large clots and also some smelly poop.

Honestly, I was just waiting for it. I had JUST gotten to the "maybe I can start to hope" day when the spotting started. I tried not to freak out when the spotting became medium spotting. But when the cramps started, I knew it was probably over. That was confirmed when I passed a bunch of large clots that evening. I confirmed it with my friend and a doctor friend. It was somewhat scary because of my current living situation.

You see, nowadays, everyone treats a not-really-a-fetus as a holy-shit-this-is-gonna-be-my-dream-baby! And so subsequent information is very sensationalized and overly dramatic. But a baby isn't a fetus until the second trimester. The first trimester is all about taking a sperm and an egg, making it a sack of sells, attaching it to the uterine lining, and then making a fetus and a placenta. Prior to that, there is no baby and no fetus, just a bunch of biology. Our early detection, however, creates this false idea that THERE IS A BABY, even though there isn't. So many women (and probably many men) get REALLY EXCITED over something that hasn't happened yet and then CRUSH ALL THEIR DREAMS when that something that hasn't happened wasn't meant to be and passes away with some simple biology.

There I was, stuck on an island with no medical care whatsoever, being told to go to an ER that I couldn't get to without a very expensive helicopter ride, and finding NOTHING but SYMPTOMS OF SHOCK. Do you know what that feels like? It feels awful.

Yes, I bleed some. Yes, I cramped some. Yes, I had a sleepless night. But that sleepless night was more because instead of receiving rational and logical medical information, I was being totally scared shitless that I was going to go into shock and die. Except, shock is from an exceptional loss in blood, not a bunch of cells trying to make a baby. Miscarriages are completely and totally normal. A miscarriage before 12 weeks, will most likely pass and resolve itself. But the internet and modern medicine tries to scare you into surgical procedures and fetal tissue that just WON'T GO AWAY.

That is a bunch of bullshit.

Reality is cramps, lots of bathroom trips, some blood and some clots.

That is what I experienced. It was not terrible and it was not a loss. It was a completely possible and almost predictable end to a potential baby that probably just wasn't coming together right. Early term miscarriages don't happen because of anything more than science not really getting it right. That potential fetus was probably super fucked up and so my body decided to pass it along before letting it grow into a colossal mistake.

And I was fine with it.

I went to the ER the next day and after 3.5 hours of waiting around, getting ultrasounds, being forced to fill my bladder quickly, and getting blood drawn, I was told what I already knew; my uterus was totally empty. The tissue had passed in the night.

I continued to bleed very intermittently for a few days and then it was almost over.

Here's something else everyone neglects to tell you when you miscarry; coming down from the high of pregnancy hormones is a BITCH.

The internet is full of stories about the loss of a miscarriage, even though a first trimester miscarriage is NOT a loss of a baby. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say that, but it's true. A first trimester miscarriage is a loss of tissue and hormones and that's it. Everything else is fantasy and dreams. And I sort of get it, because people really, really, really love the idea of a baby. But a fetus doesn't exist until the second trimester. The first trimester is all about building that fetus by collecting tissue and putting it together and flooding the body with hormones. Any side effects of pregnancy are due to hormones and not a baby inside a uterus.

You know what the real loss after a miscarriage is? Motherfucking hormones. I've never been one for drugs and I have to tell you that if coming down from any high feels this fucking bad, I never ever want to do drugs, ever.

HcG is this amazing shit and I was at 25,000 or something when I miscarried. I mean, my levels were high enough that I should've had a fetus growing in me, but I didn't because I had passed it. And while I was totally anxious that I was going to BLEED TO DEATH AND DIE ON THIS TINY ISLAND, I really should've been prepared for the downer that is HcG levels returning to zero. No one bothered to tell me that anxiety and depression can spike when pregnancy hormones go away.

Yeah, it's like post-partum but RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

It made me feel insane...until I had a reason behind the feelings and the anxiety and could work through it.

The other thing I'm not buying into : no sex until after two cycles.

Firstly, the ER doctor tried to convince me to get on birth control so that we weren't "trying" to get pregnant again. There was never any "trying" and birth control can take 6 months to a year to exit the system and also, FUCKING NO. What ridiculous advice.

Secondly, I'm hearing all about my fragile uterine lining, which is more illogical bullshit. I didn't have a motherfucking placenta in my uterus and I ditch a uterine lining every fucking month, so how the fuck is it fragile? Literally, I want to see a fucking biology class on this shit, because it makes no sense. If women who have miscarried were to have sex and get pregnant within two months of the miscarriage only to miscarry again, ad nauseum until menopause, then the human race would've been fucked a long ass time ago. Irish Catholic bitches would not have had tons of fucking babies. So I call bullshit on that.

As usual, what is reality and what isn't is completely fucking misconstrued given our society hell bent on utilizing scare tactics instead of rational information. You know what? I am fucking over it.