Because no one at Bravo will give these ladies a muzzle or render their typing finger useless, the former BFFs are outing each other’s secrets in the most nasty, vitriolic feud ever. Celebrity Deathmatch, indeed!

Following Sunday night’s explosive episode, Teresa and Jacqueline have both written novellas in the form of Bravo blogs. Imagine if they put their creative juices and minimal brain power towards good instead of evil?

In her NINE PAGE tome, Teresa address all the elements from Sunday’s explosive fight, which apparently lasted over five hours. Thank goodness we didn’t have to review the unedited footage!

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST!

Below are some highlights from the very detailed blogthat Heather McLean spent hours working on titled “You Can’t Argue With Crazy”:

“So now you’re caught up to me: finally Jacqueline and Caroline [Manzo] say horrible things to my face instead of behind my back. They start out behind my back though, and you can still see I had no idea -– I really thought Jacqueline was a great friend.”

“Up until Jacqueline and Caroline ambushed me that long, terrible night last summer to my face, I had no idea. I started hearing they were talking behind my back, but I didn’t want to believe it, and I don’t go by rumors. But wow, rumors were a lot easier to deal with then double crazy!”

“My mother taught me to never point out, question, or judge people for what they eat or how they spend their money. Until you walk in their shoes, you don’t know, and it’s not your place to know. Apparently the Manzo and Laurita family didn’t get that same lesson. I’m only glad I don’t have an eating problem too…”

Regarding Bankruptcy:

“Yes, bankruptcy sucks. If you’ve never been through it, God bless you, don’t file! And it takes a long, long time. As you saw in our lawyer meeting, we withdrew our petition for bankruptcy and are paying our creditors back. It’s… still… not… final.”

“Jacqueline knows this all too well. She and Chris [Laurita] revealed on the show that they have their own financial issues. WHICH I DID NOT KNOW. She and Chris know it’s sensitive, that talking about accusations against you could hurt the outcome… and yet they did it anyway. To me andJoe [Giudice]. Behind our back. I was sick and shocked that they would have such an obviously planned and hurtful conversation about Joe’s and my finances knowing it could hurt us.”

“And their “generous” offer to help us at the non-existent auction of our stuff? For one, they know we would never take help from our friends. Joe would work 10 jobs before he ever took money from a friend. For two, it’s an interesting offer coming from someone with his own financial issues. For three, it’s sounds fairly illegal to me, and we’re not into that.” (HAHAHAH!) “And four, if it was really an honorable offer, it would have been done discreetly, not on camera and leaked to the press.”

“If she [Jacqueline] did really know me as well as she claims, she would know that if there was even a tiny possibility of me going to jail, I would be freaking out, especially to my friends. Who wouldn’t?”

“This whole thing is insane, because Jacqueline knows exactly which stories about me are true and which aren’t. In the same way, I know which stories about Jacqueline are true. For her to be pretending confusion and calling me out when she has her own tabloid mess… “

“Funny that Jacqueline — great friend who tells her friends everything — never said a word about it. She tweeted about Matt being investigated by the FBI, but didn’t say one word to her friends.”

“Matt was actually arrested and that doesn’t need a conversation, but me not telling her about one of the million fake stories about me in a tabloid, that’s a huge breach of our friendship?” All charges were later dropped.

“Even when I found out -– NOT from her –- about her own financial and legal troubles, would I ever talk about them on camera? No. I hate even bringing them up now, but I feel like in this case I have to because you need to see how her calling me a liar and hypocrite is just c-r-a-z-y.”

“As far as Jacqueline goes, she is a really hard person to be good friends with because she is so unstable and moody. But I never thought her moods would turn crazy against me.”

On not getting paid by the tabloids:

“Caroline and Jacqueline know full well that when magazines are publishing tons of stories about me and my marriage, eventually you’re going to want to put out your own actual interview where you clear things up for your fans. Like Lauren Manzo talked to US Weekly about her lap band surgery this week. That is not ‘putting out stories.'”

“But to call doing an interview or photo shoot every so often the same as ‘putting out stories to the tabloids’ about myself is twisted and untrue. I have never, Heaven as my witness, put out a single rumor story to any tabloid or blog about myself or anyone else. I know for a fact they can’t say the same thing… Some of them have RadarOnline on speed dial!”

On Jacqueline lying about the tabloids wanting to do a story on her vow renewal:

“Last week when Jacqueline was all shocked about my vow renewal story, and then wrote that I stole it from her to ‘outshine her.’ Um, what? Jacqueline wasn’t asked to renew her vows for a magazine: she was going to renew them on her own, because she and Chris never had a real wedding (no comment as to why).”

Jacqueline admitted on Twitter that she was pregnant with CJ when they married and decided against a big wedding.

“She even went wedding dress shopping – you see her trying on veils in the opening credits! And I totally supported her doing it – I thought it would be so cute! Then she backed out and changed her mind. I was actually disappointed, because I thought it was a really exciting thing for her to do, that her kids would love being in the wedding, she didn’t have any wedding photoswith a wedding dress on!”

“I also never, ever tweeted Danielle anything regarding Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley [Holmes]. You all know I don’t go near any of the Holmes family, including crazy grandmas, on Twitter. The only time I’ve ever tweeted Danielle was after I was on WWHL.”

“Here’s the story: Caroline was on WWHL the week before me (so two weeks before this episode) and Andy [Cohen] asked her who was worse: Danielle or Kim G? Caroline surprised the world when she said without hesitation, Kim G. was worse. Everyone was shocked, the blogs went crazy: didn’t Danielle do something super evil to Caroline’s family? How could that be worse than anything her SON’S FRIEND’S MOTHER ever did?”

“A week later, I was on WWHL and Andy asked me what I thought of CAROLINE’S answer. I said Danielle never really bothered me; it wasn’t my family she was going after.”

“Well, Danielle, I guess sick of being talked about twice in two weeks on a show she’s not on anymore, tweeted Andy Cohen live to say oh yeah, I never did anything toTeresa? What about the time I worked with her sister-in-law Melissa [Gorga] behind her back? Um, what?!? News to me! Horrible, horrible news to me.”

On what led her to tweet Danielle:

“Yes, I was mad, so from backstage I tweeted: ‘Thank you @daniellestaub for telling the truth. I’m sad but not surprised. 🙁 #famewhore’. I didn’t mention Melissa’s name and left who I was calling the “fame whore” open on purpose, because I wasn’t sure. I figured I’d let whoever felt guilty claim the title.”

“A super nice tweet? No. I’m not proud of it, but put yourself in my shoes if you just found that out about your sister-in-law contacting who she thought was your worst enemy. I could have typed much worse.”

“I felt bad though and realized that I didn’t want the public seeing my family divided, and that maybe Danielle was full of crap, so I immediately defended Melissa and called out Danielle with this tweet: ‘I don’t believe Melissa would ever talk to @daniellestaub. Danielle, stop tweeting about my family. If you got something, show it or STFU!'”

“Melissa chimed in with this denial tweet: ‘Let’s be clear. After I posted abt the xmas cookies incident on FB she approached me to film w/ her. Did I film? No! Begged her? Please’” How long as Teresa been saving all these tweets? She has many more in her blog. Her poor minions!

On Jacqueline‘s hypocritical behavior regarding Danielle:

“So, is Danielle lying? I didn’t know at that point. Then I show up at Jacqueline’s Baileys & Bash Fest 2011 and I’m attacked for contacting Danielle. First Jacqueline cries that if I were any kind of friend, I would never have anything to do with Danielle. Um, I don’t. No mention here of Caroline, her actual sister-in-law’s involvement.

On Jaqueline expecting her to get over what Melissa did:

“Then Jacqueline confesses that she believes Melissa probably did contact Danielle, but so what. So what? Again, which is it? You’re freaking out that I would possibly answer her back, or you’re not bothered at all that your new friend Melissa has been in total contact with Danielle? Pick one!” I have to say… point for Teresa on that one!”

“She was screaming at me to ‘move on’ and forgive Melissa for something evil that Melissa did two years ago, but guess what? I just found out about it a week earlier! Give me some time to process it! And I had already decided to and did publicly defend Melissa. How is it holding an old grudge when you just found out?”

People have been questioning the timeline. This fight was filmed shortly after Teresa appeared on WWHL which she addresses above. On the S2 reunion Danielle mentioned contacting Melissa, however she apparently never confirmed it.

“I knew Melissa joined the show behind my back with what I think are malicious intentions. I’m trying to work through it, but she’s giving me innocence and ‘Bravo just contacted me out of the blue.’ Then I find out months later that Melissa had possibly sold her soul to the devil to bring me down. Game changer, yes?”

“If it were reversed and I had done that to Melissa, my brother would have had my head.”

On Jacqueline and Caroline not being sympathetic to her feelings:

“I’ll be honest, I really expected Jacqueline and Caroline to be on my side about Melissa’s harmful intentions when they found out Danielle was involved. Why wouldn’t they be, especially when they were just yelling at me for tweeting Danielle back?”

It makes no sense. Any friend (and all my other friends were!) would be outraged that Melissa had stooped so low. But instead, Jacqueline is defending Melissa, saying ‘so what?’ and crying about how her feelings are hurt?”

On Caroline:

“Caroline -– who conveniently stomped out of the darkness like Bigfoot to join the ambush –- says, ‘You never apologized to me for the cookbook.’ I say, “Yes I did, several times.” Caroline answers, ‘Yeah, but they were empty apologies.’ Caroline: ‘You said don’t be friends with Melissa and Kathy [Wakile].’ I denied it. She answers, ‘Of course you did, many times.’ I call her out: ‘Really? I said, ‘Don’t be friends with them’?’ Then Caroline changes her answer: ‘You never said it, but you meant it.’ WTF? I didn’t apologize but I did… I said it, but I didn’t…”

“Caroline is just full of crap, plain and simple. I have nothing more to say about her until the reunion.”

Teresa on betrayal and forgiveness; possibly alluding to Chris cheating on Jacqueline:

“Let me see if I can use an analogy Jacqueline might understand: if you caught your husband flirting with your friend, you would be understandably crushed. Say you worked through it for months though and forgave him. Then you found out he really didn’t just flirt, he slept with her. Two years ago.”

“Does your old forgiveness count? It was two years ago! Why should you care? You said you forgave him! Hypocrite! Um, I say would you care. And that your previous forgiveness doesn’t count because you didn’t know what you were forgiving. You need to work through the new offense that you just found out about. Right?”

Well, Jacqueline is definitely not going to take an accusation that her husband is cheating lightly, so she hit Teresa where it hurt by announcing that Teresa had actually CAUGHT Juicy cheating on her!

Tweeting to the masses about Joe‘s infidelity, Jacqueline revealed:

And she added her two cents in about why Teresa was expending so many precious words trashing her.