April Fools’ Issue: Violent mob ‘takes back the SA’ in bloody coup

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Stickuptheir Ass-ociation office was ransacked early Friday morning after SA President-elect AutoCandidate 2.0, a robot also known as Julie Bindlegass, “took back the SA” in a violent coup d’etat.

AutoCandidate defeated her runoff opponent by 112 votes at around 9:45 p.m. Thursday and rallied her human troops to storm the Marvin Center and claim her position.

AutoCandidate and her mob ran into the Marvin Center with flaming torches and pitchforks chanting “The SA is ours!” as they dashed through the building. When an Unarmed Police Department officer got in her way, AutoCandidate lit the officer’s uniform on fire – because he did not have a gun – and continued on to the fourth floor of the building where the SA office is located.

Bystanders at the scene watched in horror as AutoCandidate began burning the posters in the SA office with her laser vision, setting it ablaze.

Current SA President Vishard Nixon was in the office at the time of AutoCandidate’s coup and was seen huddling in the corner of his office, whimpering in fear as AutoCandidate tore through his office screaming robotically, “We must renew our commitment to the expansion of GWorld partners. We will not take no for an answer.”

Nixon yelled, “I am not a crook!” as he was dragged out of his office by AutoCandidate’s mob.

Members of the SA Senate were outraged by AutoCandidate’s violent takeover and called for a special meeting Saturday morning to discuss their plan of action.

SA Sen. Cassius Clay, OMF-G, suggested that the body pass a resolution telling AutoCandidate to cease with her violent heist of the SA office.

“This resolution would let AutoCandidate know that she cannot just take over the SA,” said Clay, who has been a SA senator for more than eight years.

Nixon is currently being treated for burns at the GW Hospital.

Scientists at Student Government Robotics in Silicon Valley are considering tweaks to the AutoCandidate 2.0 prototype after the incident. AutoCandidate 3.0 is due out next fall.

We have all been forced to down a family member’s greasy and lackluster casserole with a smile on our face. But this Thanksgiving, you can rethink the staple and enjoy a dish with a crunch that goes unmatched.