Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A week ago or so Arden came home from school and told us the school nurse had checked her eyes and discovered that Arden was having a hard time seeing far away. Yesterday I took her to an ophthalmologist and he found the same thing. We went to a few different shops before we wound up at Walmart (of all places!) and she found the perfect frames! She can't wait until they are ready next week. I'm still in shock she needs them.

Today was Walter's last day of nursery school and they had a little picnic. I had a nice time and actually felt relaxed. I will miss this arrangement for Walter but look forward to less running around.

Claire has been doing this thing lately that drives me somewhat batshit... she will ask me something, I'll answer and then she'll continue to ask over and over again. Example:

Sunday, June 6, 2010

It's hard to believe that in a matter of days I'll have a new baby. Time stands still while moving quickly. I am yearning to meet this little one... not knowing who he or she is or how they will fit into our family but intrinsically knowing that when we meet them we will have known them all along.

I take this time to feel my body, knowing it will be the last time I feel a baby inside of me. Knowing it's the right thing for me now. While pregnant with Claire I spent a lot of time thinking "this is the last time I'll _________" and I felt so sad about it. I don't feel that way now and it's good.

This baby spends a lot of time tickling my right hip... I'm not quite sure of it's position and I'm honestly trying not to worry about it knowing it's too early to matter anyway. This baby also hiccups more than Claire and Walter and maybe even as much as Arden did. When it first happens I laugh while enjoying the feel of it and then after 5 minutes or so I'm sick of it and become kind of woozy from the movement. But I want to remember these feelings and take them with me for all the rest of my days... knowing that I have done something that I had wanted for so long.

I spend my days knitting, cleaning, mothering and napping while I wait. I talk to Chris and try to tell him all of my fears without being fearful. We'll be happy to have the birth be over with and the baby safely here. Having had it go wrong in the past shows us just how delicate of a process birth is. By design we are made to do it but one intervention can change all of that, altering one's life forever. It's not that I know without a doubt what was the deciding factor in determining Walter's birth injuries but my intuition tells me it all started with breaking my bag of waters.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sunday, May 16, 2010

My friend Nancy offered early on in my pregnancy to plan a birth blessing for me. She did it last time when I was pregnant with Claire and it was really, truly wonderful. (I'm about to have my 4th child and consider myself quite lucky to never have had to endure a baby shower, which is really quite amazing for a former Long Island girl!) Last time the ceremony was at my house with a bunch of my girlfriends. The men took the children bowling and it was exactly what I wanted at that time. I knew I couldn't allow my children to be a part of the ceremony...I was in a place of fear about the birth and the support and belief of the women around me was exactly what I needed to help carry me past it without the distraction of worrying whether or not my children were comfortable. After the ceremony we had a belly dancer and it was great fun! By far the girliest-girl bonding I had ever done!

It took me a long time to envision what I wanted this time. I knew I wanted to include the children and Chris. I've realized over the years that birthing these beautiful babies of mine is as stressful for Chris as it is for me. Certainly they haven't been perfectly easy! Over the last few months I've heard Arden express concern about having another sibling. She knows it will be crazy around here with four children... she's worried she's going to get ousted out of attention.

I wondered what was the perfect way to have a family celebration to welcome this baby into our lives? My answer was held in this verse from a book we cherish around here...

"...On the day you were bornthe Moon pulled on the ocean below, and,wave by wave,a rising tide washed the beaches clean for your footprints...

...while far out at seaclouds swelled with water drops,sailed to shore on a wind,and rained you a welcome across the Earth's green lands."

It was then the planning began...

A small, quick ceremony at an ocean beach, where I knew the children would have fun. We would be able to see, hear and smell the beauty and I would feel closer to my Mom. Nancy planned it perfectly, opening with everyone lighting a candle while expressing a wish for our family, or the baby or the birth, or all of those things, or none (as was the case with the littlest ones!) A beautiful song from Nancy & Eli, a reading of "Welcome to the World" by Arden, Walter's impromtu "You are My Sunshine", bracelets, necklaces, and dancing! It was made even more real and fun by the fat, bleached blonde woman in the background yelling at her kids that if they wanted ice cream they better hurry up and get everything together (while she stood there smoking!)

I don't have the right words and didn't get the perfect photos to describe the beauty I felt today but the joy of the day will be inside of me forevermore!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

This past Tuesday I saw my midwife for the first time in months! It was a nice visit. Baby seems fine in there, my blood pressure is great etc. etc. The baby is still nameless and we really need to come up with something fast! I want to make sure we have enough time to see if we really like the name or if it fades away.

It dawned on me this morning that I need to get the house in tip top shape. If anything were to happen early baby-wise it would be a raging mess and make the chaos of all that goes along with a baby that comes too early far worse.

So I spent the day cleaning upstairs. I steam cleaned the carpet and it took forever and I still feel like it's not clean at all. Carpet is disgusting. I can't imagine anyone voluntarily putting in carpet. I look forward to the day we replace it with wood flooring. In my dreams Chris sends me away for a week (alone!) and I come back and he surprises me with wood floors upstairs. In reality I will have to beat him over the head for years to get him to do it.

I gave Walter a haircut tonight.

To remember: Today Arden was blowing bubbles into her mug of milk and Claire shouted "A LATTE!!!"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Just at the end of our road lies a magical place made of mud and streams, leaves, trees and just enough sunshine... I watch these two children play there and think about how lucky I am to have them in my life. Whoever would have thought I would feel such delight to watch my 2 year old bend and scoop up icy cold water?

Or the elation I would feel when she stood in a stream and watched the water run over her feet, observing something so simple yet so complicated...

And there is a point at which one must realize that there have been too many trips to the local cafe for lattes when your children start playing coffee shop in the woods...

Sipping a pretend ice cold decaf latte...

Cake making complete with candles and "Happy Birthday" songs...

I truly love Spring and all that it holds in it's wisdom...

Joyous boy who is just 2 days away from turning 5!

And finally, in this open air they work as a team instead of tugging and taking from one another...

We came home and they had lunch and went down for a nap. I picked Arden up from school and told her of our morning fun and she was ready to get in on it too!

She was content to sit there and talk to us... about her day, about the woods, about anything we would listen to!

We managed to get Chris to step away from his computer and come out with us. Here he helps Walter find the biggest piece of moss he can carry for a roof to a fairy house...

This is the man I love... and as we go through a challenging time there are moments when I feel so hopeless and frustrated, lonely even and then the gray lifts off and I feel joy, and thankfulness, knowing that after all of the assholes I dated I could be doing much worse.

I'm quite certain that if you look closely you might just see a fairy in that little fairy house...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Early morning birthday table ready to go! Walter told us the night before that he wanted to be able to open his presents in the playroom instead of at the table. (He must have known he was getting something big!)

Beautiful birthday window (by Chris!)

Playroom all ready! I even found wrapping paper that said "Hoppy Birthday!"

The birthday boy comes down!

Making a wish for himself!

Claire helps him open his card...

"Space Pajamas!"

The girls are excited as he is opening the big one! Unfortunately it's just a big boring brown box...

We tell him what's inside and he is perplexed about how we got this huge box delivered to the house without him knowing!

It's a giant bounce house that *just* fits in our bonus room! He's a bit overwhelmed! (We got this because we knew it would be good for his core strength and fun!)

Off to Walter's current favorite breakfast place...

Back home with full bellies we set up the bounce house outside and have some fun!

Whee!

Walter requested a "hot dog fire pit party" and here it is! We invited some close friends and had a really nice time. The weather was beautiful too!

The children bounced so much and for so long that they had to find other uses for the bounce house! Here it is some sort of ship!

Happiest 5th Birthday Walter! We are wishing more great things for you this year! (Homemade cannoli cheesecake!)