Justin Bieber’s Dad’s Relationship Is Falling Apart

In case you’ve been dating a guy for seven years and one day his son explodes to the top of the cultural zeitgeist as an egomaniacal popstar who then goes on a bender of sizzurp and Brazilian hookers and you’d like to know how this is going to affect your relationship, then this post is for you. Have a seat, because this might be hard to hear. The shitstain you started seeing because you probably believed his horseshit about being a good Christian is going to leave you now. He’s always wanted to, and he’s likely cheated on you constantly. He had to wait until he was able to support himself by enabling his troubled son to the point where they’re now inseperable. Remember how his ex-wife would say what a dirtbag he was, including things like:

Right, that should have been a red flag. But instead of thinking “Hmm, maybe condoms with this one,” you went with getting knocked up twice and participated in the naming of those kids, Jaxon and Jazmyn. You then proceeded to not get married the instant his son sold his first million records, leaving yourself nothing but a claim for child support from a man who himself is being entirely supported. I can see the color draining from your face, but stick with me here. You have a chance, albeit a small one, that your baby daddy’s son might knock you up after a concert and you could squeeze a nice enough settlement out of that to eek by for a while. Maybe long enough for your oldest to land a cereal commercial. I’m sure it’ll work itself out, or at the very least Jeremy will be back after a falling out with Justin over swag or an overdosed groupie that he will convince you was “creative differences.” And you’ll take him back, because you dated Jeremy Bieber for seven years. “He sees you. You’ll do this again. Time is a flat circle.”