Tuesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Look, if you don’t like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can’t find that, you can leave in a taxi.

How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.

Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

‘Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.’

‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I’ll dance with the cows till you come home.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!

Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. It’s always fun when people who can’t stand each other come together, make speeches, and glare at each other in silent hatred, knowing they won’t have to see each other for a whole year. It’s like international Thanksgiving.” -Craig Ferguson

“Matt Damon is planning to shoot a fourth ‘Bourne Identity’ movie. It tells the story of an actor who gradually remembers he has four kids to send to college.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing.” -Seth Meyers

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people’s hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one. By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, “How long, Lord? How long?” Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. “Ma’am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you,” he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him. Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.

The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, “Praise the Lord!” and ran inside.

Monday Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from??? ‘Why don’t you put her in charge?’

Answer: Aliens! Hudson (Bill Paxton) when complaining about Ripley using Newt as an example.

Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org.