Search

It’s a little under a week until nominations open, and my therapist has given me an advent-style calendar to count down with. Every day I open the calendar to find an assortment of pills which contribute to preserving the health of those around me. I’m not really sure what the fuck the pills for yesterday contained, but fucking hell, I have never had such a bad trip. I spent the day under my bedsheets waiting for the furry, purple, Sam Hansfords to stop flying around my head.

Sadly EUSA seems to not have hidden under its sheets yesterday, and discussions were had with the regular vigour and lack of purpose.

A meeting was assembled to discuss the scandal of a decade: potential two term sabbaticals. Apparently it was revealed early on in the meeting that none of the current sabbaticals (read: Sam) would be running again. This news was received with great disappointment by everyone who badly wanted to shout at Sam.

Rumour also has it that at least a few posters might be polluting the streets of Edinburgh politely commanding you to vote for Hazel Marzetti as an officer for equal opportunities. She will be campaigning mainly on the fact that, as she knows how to play an oboe, she has the highly recommended EUSA ability of being able to speak for 23 minutes without taking a breath. In addition to this she is currently an ordinary representative in EUSA, as well as being involved in the group with the long acronym and the feminist society. Apparently she isn’t too shabby at debating either.

As far as I know, which admittedly isn’t very far, she is currently unopposed.

I have received a bunch of e-mails (well… three) with various “current sabbaticals planning to run for re-election.”-shit. I’m still waiting for someone to tell me why I should care about this. Someone even went to the trouble of making and sending me this fake piece of campaigning-material, seemingly suggesting that the current President and VPS are going to be re-running together.

From the e-mails I received it seems like one of the current sabbaticals is thought of as more likely to be running for re-election than the rest. I can only assume these tips came from the least reliable of sources; people within EUSA.

It’s quite fucked up actually. I thought I had a beef with EUSA. From the mails I have been receiving it seems like the general student attitude towards EUSA is nothing compared to the attitude EUSA has towards itself… and I thought I had anger management problems.

I therefore won’t say who seems to be the odds on favourite to run again, but it is one of the people in the picture above and it is the one with a beard. EUSA being EUSA they will apparently “soon” be having a meeting to discuss whether re-running should be allowed.

I only wanted a damn place to make vent my anger at the campaign-videos and the fucking posters. How the hell did this become a wannabe EUSA gossip blog? I’m ashamed of myself.

Crap. I just realised this election is about more than just the four “important” people at the top. There is also a fuckload of various internal EUSA positions. And apparently they will be having campaigns too. Fuckit.

One of those people, and this is apparently a EUSAvicious exclusive (Fuck yeah!), is Jaye Ware. For the sake of taking care of my fucking journalistic integrity I should point out that I haven’t actually confirmed this with Jaye. Or even asked. But who needs first hand sources when one can rely on drunk-out-of-their-minds hacks in bars?

I am unable to find a lot of information, or indeed a picture, of Jaye, but come on. I gave you a fucking exclusive? Isn’t that enough?

What I do know is that Jaye Ware is another one of those people who doesn’t like things being cut, and will probably be running under an anti-cuts banner with the support of the regular fucking group of anti cutters. I have it on some authority that Jaye currently holds a position as a convener for an action group called… wait… what the fuck? That’s a fucking acronym? Seriously? LGBTQIA?!

And EUSA wonder why people find it hard to relate to them.

Despite being in EUSA, Jaye is known not to be entirely happy about all aspects of it. So I guess we might have another candidate running under the “Fuck the system! Vote for me!”-banner.

Other, no doubt annoying, campaigns for Welfare Convener are going to be Calum Hay and Suzy Compton.

I’ll vote for whoever promises to take care of my welfare by making sure my fucking therapist gets fired. Oh, and while you are at it, kill off that fucking Robert Moose guy. I fucking HATE that moose.

Thank fucking God I got to write that post about Ben. I’ve been less violent this evening than any evening I can remember for a very long time. I almost think I might have been a little harsh on Ben…

Nah.

The reason I am so fucking glad that I got all my aggression out is that there are still two VPSA candidates I haven’t mentioned on the blog. And I can’t fucking find any information about them anywhere.

I mean, this is Anna Forrest. Sure, she is a EUSA person, recruiting from within, etc, etc, but other than that all I can find about her on the internet is that she was the president of the Amnesty International society and is also involved in some society that aims to stop fucking genocide…

How the FUCK am I supposed to come up with anything remotely mean to say based on that?! I can’t even find her on Twitter!

Mrs. Forrest, you better have some fucking stupid posters so that I get an opportunity to say something mean about you. Trees! Make fucking puns involving trees! You better give me a something to be angry at at some point.

Then there is Harriet Page.

Harriet Page just seems not to fucking exist. I can’t find any information about her anywhere. I am not even sure that is even a picture of her, I just randomly grabbed it off somewhere. I’m blaming Harriet for this, as having a name with “Page” in it is just irresponsible. How the hell is Google supposed to work with that?

As far as I am aware Harriet is so far the only candidate with a website though. It announces that she will be “coming soon”, an announcement I just realised is in pink. THANK GOD!

Right…

Here I go…

FUCKING PINK? Is Harriet going to be forcing us all to look at PINK everywhere? Why doesn’t she just throw acid into our eyes instead? It would be quicker and a whole fucking less painful!

Fuck it. I am now getting angry that there is nothing to be angry about. Candidates, you better fucking start annoying me soon, or I will get REALLY fucking annoyed.

A guy calling himself Ben Trueman has announced his intention to run for the position he thinks he will be the most likely to win, or in his words, an “as of yet undisclosed position.”

An absolutely mindblowingly amazing piece of promotional material.

According to his newly created Twitter-account he is running to protest against EUSA, and is in favour of “Direct Democracy.” So far his campaign consists of Tweeting: “A much better idea http://twatter.com/“

It appears that Ben is one of those hardcore anti cuts guys and is one of the few people who opted to save on heating bills this winter by living a few days in Appleton Tower. Apparently the anti cuts people have serious plans about trying to get EUSA positions this year… I hope for their sake this isn’t part of that serious effort.

EUSA may have some problems with how it is run, I’m not going to argue against that, but if they think that even a fucking fraction of students are going to vote for someone just because they say “I dislike the way EUSA is run”, then they are sadly mistaken. If you do, as you say, have a viable plan for “total system reform”, then please show it to us. I am sure we would all like to see it. I especially look forward to the part where you explain how running on a platform of “Direct Democracy” with the slogan “Don’t vote” is going to work.

Of course, perhaps this is just the start of the campaign. Perhaps he is actually going to present us with some plan on how to improve EUSA. But if you are going to start your campaign before nominations even open, please put at least a sentence of sense behind it. If you think people like me are going to vote for you just because you are anti EUSA and we are angry at EUSA, then you are insulting our intelligence.

Ben, I am sure you are a nice guy, and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. I am judging you purely on a campaign-image and a Twitter-account. Ideally I would prefer to see the elections carried out in a much quieter and less intrusive manner. Since that is not going to happen I would love to see non-EUSA candidates mix things up. But if you want students to take you seriously then you better start taking students seriously.

I’m too high to decide whether I should be laughing or crying. It has been a matter of a few fucking days, and already half of the fucking world seems to care more about this blog than I do.

This morning I was linked to by The Guardian Edinburgh who seems to be announcing a “EUSA blog battle” between this blog and eusalicious. Eusalicious also wrote a post yesterday taking it upon themselves to declare that I’m not funny, and announcing that they have a fucking “strong suspicion” as to who I am. They don’t, of course, but I guess they thought it would make for a dramatic and effective last sentence, and somehow justify an otherwise pointless blog-post.

I must say it has been entertaining to follow the comments about this blog on Eusalicious. Quite a few bastards seem to think they know who I am. People have also been taking time out of their lives to comment on what they think of EUSAvicious, and I am proud to announce that the general hack opinion seems to be that “EUSAvicious is shit.”

There is also some disappointment that I am not reporting on “more controversial EUSA gossip.” I’m really fucking sorry, but how the fuck am I supposed to be aware of any EUSA gossip? Send some gossip to eusavicious@gmail.com and if I remember to check the fucking account I’ll publish the crap you send me.

This blog is here to give me a non-violent way to vent my feelings about all the bullshit uproar that surrounds the EUSA elections. What sets me apart from eusalicious? I won’t be afraid of calling candidates out on their crap. I won’t be afraid of ranting about the obvious bullshit political-speak promises the manifestos are going to contain. I have no need to be, if I may coin a term, “eusaliciouslly correct.” Eusalicious is a friendly blog by people who don’t want to offend anyone. I won’t be fucking cruel to anyone, but if a campaign is full of shit there is nothing stopping me from pointing it out and ranting about it.

What the fuck? Wait, I’ve Googled this guy for hours, and I can’t find him on any EUSA website! I can only assume this is a mistake.

This is Graham Smith. He has some kind of position in Scotland in Unison, a Scottish one-voice a capella choir, in which he goes under the artist-pseudonym of “Grum.”

Despite not being in EUSA this guy seems to have campaigned before, and seems to have a passion for representing “young members” of said choir. According to the profile on his Twitter page it seems like he might have been successful in being elected to this position.

He was among the 3 or so people who caused a slight annoyance to at most two people at the university by occupying the big Appleton-building last semester. I also have it on good authority that Graham Grum is strongly opposed to shortcuts, haircuts, undercuts and uppercuts, but likes reading and long walks on the beach.

We seem to have another contested position though… I can’t fucking wait for summer.

Edit: Well, I have to refer back to the comment in my first sentence, “I can only assume this is a mistake.” Seems this was a mistake. Grum is not running, not for VPAA anyway. Thank fucking God.

Praise

"...mocking the local student union elections" - The Guardian Edinburgh

"Not funny" - Eusalicious

"Fairly crappy." - Bildungsroman

"Healthy" - My Therapist

About

Sadly, EUSA elections are coming up. This means another month of posters and campaigning crammed down our throats from EUSA hopefuls.
This is coverage and comments of and on the EUSA-elections for the huge majority of students who really don't give a shit, but acknowledge that we can't avoid the annual clusterfuck that is the EUSA-elections.

To send me abuse, gossip, complaints or love-letters, use eusavicious@gmail.com