Sunday, April 17, 2011

On Freedom and Independence

I always remind myself that not everyone is as "free" and "independent" as I am. A lot of people my age (and even older) have families to go home to, parents to take care of, parents who will nag when their kids don't go home, parents who will nag when their kids go home too late... and there is me.

I have stopped coming home to Alabang for more than a year already. I've been out of my parents' loving shelter since 2008. It started quite hard. I remember crying every time Mama goes home after staying in my apartment for the night and at random times when I just miss the family too much. But I've since moved on from such sudden attacks of sadness and can say that I am just really enjoying my life of semi-freedom right now.

There are a lot of things I enjoy from my semi-freedom: not needing to report to Mama all the time, go home as late as I please (though I am really responsible, I can say, that I don't stay out too late. The streets are not safe anyway), entertain people the way I want to in my own house, leave my house as messy as I want it to be (but this is something I have to answer to my Mother when she sleeps in once a week and find my house in utter chaos. Haha.). I may be spending too much on things I don't really need to spend on if I live under my parents' wing (rent, bills, groceries), but that high I get when I tell people "Oh, I used to be from Alabang but I've been living on my own since 2008" well, yeah. Nothing can compare to that.

I sometimes forget that most people my age doesn't have this kind of luxury (yes, I want to call it that), and most of the time, I find myself having to understand when plans are cut short because people have to go home to their parents because anything later than 4am and things are not going to get pretty. It's not that I don't want to understand. I have trained myself to understand a lot of things in this world in the past few months. I have already committed a lot of mistakes to last me until the next lifetime, I don't want to add to those anymore. I want to understand because there are a lot of things more important to me that comes with understanding (which I am not going to put here). But that tiny speck of disappointment I get when I understand... that bugs me. But then again, I have already started on this whole "understanding" journey anyway, I might as well see this 'til the end. And I am pretty sure there are a lot of things I can occupy myself during those times when there is, well, just me.