'not easy to find a major' - reasons for transferring and the objectives to achieve

After two years' study in the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana, I have discovered that it is not easy to find a major that fits me well. Before I went to UIUC, I simply determined to major in Actuarial Science without much consideration. And right now, I still not quite sure what should an actuary do in his job; I do not think I like deal with all the math and calculus every day. However, I learned a lot in UIUC. In these two years, I started to consider what I should do in the future. This is the first time that I think deeply about my life. I found that I enjoyed the business atmosphere the best. After discussing with my friends and parents, I find out that the Finance program maybe a better major for me. But there are not so many big companies around Champaign and Urbana, so I decided to find another university that would fulfill my educational requirements. New York City is, of course, an ideal place to continue my study. There are much more opportunities in NYC than Champaign and Urbana, and the Finance program in New York University is top ranked. I believe that New York University will train me well for the enterprise that I am going to go through. Transferring out from UIUC is very hard, I have to leave all of my friends that I spend two years with and relationships with professors behind and prepare to build new relationships in the entirely new environment. The change of the environment and people will be the biggest challenge for me during my college life. Even though, going to NYU is a great opportunity to learn about western culture, and get to know how Finance works on an international and global level. As a Chinese, I hope I can bring the culture diversity to New York University. New York University is me ideal college because it can provide the rigorous educational atmosphere and abundant opportunities that I am looking for. NYU has a remarkable reputation that sets it apart from other universities in Finance area, and I will be proud to be a student of New York University.

After two years' study in the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana, I have discovered that it is not easy to find a major that fits me well. Before I went to UIUC, I simply determineddecided to major in Actuarial Science without much consideration. And Right now, I'm still not quite sure what should an actuary should do in his job;,butI do not think I like dealing with all the math and calculus every day. However, I learned a lot in UIUC. In these two years, I started to consider what I should do in the future. This is the first time that I thinkhave thought deeply about my life. I have found that I enjoyed the business atmosphere the best. After discussing with my friends and parents, I find outrealized that the Finance program maybemay be a better major for me. But there are not so many big companies around Champaign and Urbana, though, so I decided to find another university that would fulfill my educational requirements. New York City is, of course, an ideal place to continue my study. There are much more opportunities in NYC than Champaign and Urbana, and the Finance program in New York University is top ranked. I believe that New York University will train me well for the enterprise that I am going to go through. Transferring out from UIUC is very hard, I have to leave all of my friends that I spendspent two years with, and relationships with professors behind, and prepare to build new relationships in thean entirely new environment. The change of the environment and people will be the biggest challenge for me during my college life. Even thoughHowever, going to NYU is a great opportunity to learn about western culture, and to get to know how Finance works on an international and global level. As a Chinese, I hope I can bring the culture diversity to New York University. New York University is memy ideal college because it can provide the rigorous educational atmosphere and abundant opportunities that I am looking for. NYU has a remarkable reputation that sets it apart from other universities in the Financefinance area, and I will be proud to be a student of New York University.

I don't think that you need to add a topic sentence. Overall, the essay is good, but just fix the grammar errors. Also are you only applying to NYU because this essay is only talking about that school. The main common app essay is sent to all of the schools that you apply to. Talking about NYU if you are applying to others would look bad.

Thank you for your advises. Thank you for reminding me that the essay is sending to all the schools that I apply. Can I send different essay to different school? Because I have different reason to apply other schools.