Year: 2018

WASHINGTON – CNN crybaby Jim Acosta is used to having people want to kick him out of places. In fact, just yesterday he had his White House press pass revoked and Secret Service denied him entrance to a briefing. Acosta had been a huge douchebag in an exchange with the president earlier in the day. Now, the problem is hitting the reporter close to home. “I was standing in my dressing room, preparing for an appearance on a late night TV show, and my reflection was being such a douche!…

CRUZ TERRITORY – Now that the election is over, waste management officials in Texas are worried about all those BETO yard signs littering the Lone Star State. They aren’t sure the state’s landfills can handle that much extra trash. Manuel Flores, site manager for Texas Disposal Systems, thinks the state should sell the signs back to Hollywood celebrities. “They paid for most of those signs. Maybe we could sell them back for pennies on the dollar. Then it’s their problem. We’re also looking at working a deal with some other…

NEW YORK – Actor Alec Baldwin finally pushed his luck too far this week. He was busted by NYPD on Friday for impersonating President Trump one too many times. After beating the Trump-hating actor to a parking space, a man pointed out that Baldwin’s Trump impression had jumped the shark months ago. The actor reacted by angrily following, then punching, the stranger. The man is in stable condition after witnessing Baldwin’s performance up close and personal. Alec has been charged with attacking the nation’s intelligence with his impersonation of the…

NEW YORK – At Planned Parenthood (PP) headquarters, employees are furious over President Trump’s plans to affect their future business. Trump is considering ending the birthright citizenship provision of the 14th amendment in our Constitution. The move is an attempt to stop the practice of giving babies born to non-citizens (illegals) legal citizenship, even though their parents are not Americans. The amendment was written at the time to award citizenship to slaves. “Noooooo!!!!!!!” cried baby dismemberment expert, Bianca Lennox. “I’ve been aborting babies here for years. And killing babies of…

LOS ANGELES – The Boston Red Sox are world champions again. They defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers 4 games to 1 to claim the title. Some say it was Boston’s pitching, timely hitting, or the Dodgers’ quiet bats that were to blame for LA’s loss. The media know better. They always do. President Trump rigged the series before it even started. “From being here in Dodger Stadium, I can tell you first hand, because I witnessed this myself, there were people openly rooting for the visiting team,” reported CNN’s Dana…

WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security issued a statement this morning regarding the serial mail bomber currently terrorizing Democrats. The statement reads “that the domestic terrorist has been dubbed the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’” The label is applicable because of those who have been targeted so far. Part of the statement reads as follows: For the time being, the Dept. of Homeland Security will officially be referring to the serial bomber as the ‘Dumbass Bomber.’ Based on forensic analyses of the recipients of the devices found to this point, it appears…

WASHINGTON – It used to be smoking or non-smoking. These days, however, restaurants in the nation’s capitol will soon be offering protesting or non-protesting seating areas. It’s a test program for now, but will be rolled out to other cities run by Democrats if successful. Some DC-area restaurant owners say that getting screamed at while trying to enjoy your meal only adds to the Washington dining experience. Customers in protesting sections will be serenaded with shouted chants, usually no longer than five or six words. That’s the highest number of…

ATLANTA – Media types, especially those at CNN, can’t bear to hear of Antifa-types being labeled as ‘mobs.’ Besides, just because a group of hateful people walks like a mob, and talks like a mob, doesn’t mean it’s a mob. Right? “I don’t like the ‘M’ word. I prefer to refer to them as flash mobs,” CNN’s Brooke Baldwin admitted. “They’re just a bunch of people who spontaneously decide to harass, attack, and fight Trump supporters. A true mob would be made up of a bunch of angry people suddenly…

MASSACHUSETTS – Using the DNA test from genetic profiling company 23andMeCherokee, Senator Elizabeth Warren released results that shed light on her ancestry. Warren has insisted she’s got Native American heritage in her bloodline. However, recently submitted DNA tests prove she likely has less Native American heritage than the average white woman in America today. Daniel Farraday, a geneticist with 23andMeCherokee, revealed, “The closest we could come to pinning down any real Indian connection to Mrs. Warren was that we believe her great-great-great-great grandfather may have met a Cherokee tribe member when the…

NEW YORK – MSNBC host Ali Velshi tried frantically this week to get the attention of anybody that might have any interest at all in a little show he does with co-host Stephanie Ruhle. Judging by the ratings, Velshi’s antics fell way short. Ali waved his arms wildly, inadvertently slapping Ruhle in the face several times, and waking her up from her on-air nap during the show. Ruhle opened her eyes slightly, but never lost her normal, resting bitch face expression. “I was just trying to get anyone who may…