Getting Stuck In a Rut…and Getting Out of It

No one is immune to ruts, routines, and the daily stuff of living – not even the kinky among us. And yet, I think some of us who prefer our lives a lot less vanilla are the most surprised when it happens to us. It’s hard to imagine that the sweaty, grunting, hot mess sex and fun we have with our partners could ever fade away.

Vanilla or kinky, all relationships require hard work. One part of that is to be mindful of the ruts and routines of life that prevent a deeper connection.

Case in point, I had a small breakdown over a lack of orgasms. Okay, I cried after we had sex and sniffled pitifully, telling myself I wouldn’t say a word – for fear of topping from the bottom and “demanding” orgasms – or at least appearing that way.

Of course, he made me tell him. And of course, he solved the issue for me. Lots of orgasms. Forced orgasms. Body-quaking orgasms.

The point isn’t the orgasms – or the lack of them.

The point is that when one of you perceives a lack of something, you have a responsibility to speak up.

For us, lately, it’s been one small crisis after another. Car and motorcycle in the shop. Appliances that break down. Family that loses their mind. Late hours working. Overwhelming demands all in the name of making a paycheck. Crazy stuff that’s all completely normal. Now that the holidays are here, it’s just that much worse.

So yes, it’s easy to keep doing what you’ve been doing for weeks – for us, that was sleepy, quick sex at the end of a long day (if we had the energy). The result, though, was a lack of intimacy and connection. There were no growls of a Dominant on the prowl or squeals of an overwhelmed submissive. We were two people collapsing against one another from time to time.

It’s life. It happens to all of us. And there’s actually nothing wrong with nights like that – until they become something you dread or you start to feel like something is missing.

At that point, in my humble little opinion, you have two options: Stay in the rut until the day you wake up and wonder what happened to your relationship. Or shake things up. Yes, that may mean a submissive gets teary over a perceived slight. But what it requires is a dose of honesty.

Communication never stops and in even the kinkiest relationship, it’s not always going to be about limits and kinky fuckery. Sometimes, it’s going to be a teary demand for some attention. (Pro tip to all you submissives: Respectfully tearful demands yield better results than tantrums and foot-stomping. Just sayin’…)

When you’re both committed to your relationship, you’ll find a way to work it out. Whatever it is. Communication, compromise, and a determination to keep your relationship functioning at a healthy level aren’t always easy, but they are always worth it.

Boring isn’t bad. Ruts, however…

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

31 Comments

Yes!! And the weird thing I’ve noticed is that people in kinky relationships often don’t want to admit it, because “ruts are only for boring vanilla people and we can’t have that problem.” I’ve been in ruts before, and I’m sure that everyone in a steady, long-term relationship experiences it at some point, regardless of their dynamic.

“Pro tip”. Love it! The bane of any good relationship is the rut. I often will find more bratty attitude leaking out when we are in that place. Last night I whined about not getting spanks and Daddy reminder me we were going to bed at 2 (because Christmas sewing for extra $) and he was tired. I pouted. Then I asked for guananteed spanks for today and offered to be naughty to get them. He laughed and told me there was no need for naughtiness.

Hugs to you both! May life slow down for all of us to enjoy Christmas with each other.

I can so relate to this, I feel like the last 2 or 3 months have been a long hard slog and now we have all the stress of Christmas to add to it. When life it like that it easy to realise that you have forgotten about the joy of your partner in light of battling to just find the space and time to go for a pee…LOL. I am looking forward to the break over Christmas and spending some time together just the two of us to relax and find one another in that very special way that only we can

You and me both. SSir is already discussing a real-live date night just the two of us next week, and hopefully when we visit my family after Christmas, they’ll be so delighted to see the grandkids, they won’t notice when we sneak off for a little while. Reconnecting is so important.

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