Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Before
I begin I'd just like to state that, while I don't have children I
did stand in a supermarket queue behind a mother who did and,
according to the internet, this now qualifies me as an expert on
parenting in general and children in specific (1)

That
being said I feel that I must point out that Babies cry. Babies cry,
alot. It appears to be one of the joys of parenting that they've
conveniently left out of the brochures. The thing of it is that
we've been around for a long time now and babies have been around
almost as long. You'd think that at some point in our history
someone would have come up with an idea or two to address the
problems of crying babies.

Anyone?

Looks
like it's up to me then.

PROBLEM 1: LOST IN TRANSLATION

The
problem as I see it is that their crying only serves the purpose of
getting them noticed and "Wah wah" covers such a wide range
of topics that its difficult to know whether they're saying "I'm
tired" or “Actually I'm rather concerned with the political
situation in the Middle East (2)"

Namby
Pamby Politically correct Solution:

Endeavor
to understand the body language of your child. Spend time with them
and show them the joy of the spoken word.

Jabberwockery
Solution:

Take
a stand from day one! They say you've got to speak your babies
language, well I ask you who brought them into this world? Who's
the one paying the bills until their eighteen? "If there's any
languages spoken in this household it'll be mine boyo!"

As
a last resort you could teach them charades but only if you need to
teach them the difference between "Get mummy a coffee" and
"Maybe you should start mopping the floor instead of just
sitting there"

Basic semaphore is also acceptable but only
if you live in the tropics and cant afford a punkahwallah

PROBLEM 2: IT'S ALL IN THE TONE

The
big problem is that when Baby A is crying and encounters Baby B this
will invariably start Baby B off as well and as the pair attempt to
outdo each other the number of babies grows exponentially until there
are no more babies in the world that aren't crying and you're getting
nasty phone calls from Russian parents who had only just managed to
put their little goulash factory to sleep.

Of course the
interesting thing about all of this is that no two babies actually
manage to hit the same note at the same time, or indeed at any time
(3).

Namby
Pamby Politically Correct Solution:

Children crying is just a fact
of life and one that everyone will go through. Eventually they grow
out of it but you might want to look up from the chardonnay from time
to time and perhaps get a secretary to deal with the deluge of angry
Russians (4)

Jabberwockery
Solution:

Right,
if we can't stop the noise then the least we can do is adjust the
problem and here at Jabberwockery we're all about adjusting the
problem (5)

Since
babies are going to cry anyway the thing to do is to teach them to do
it in harmony with each other. It'll be a difficult thing to
accomplish and will most likely involve a squad of music tutors
breaking down doors, confronting expectant mothers and demanding
impromptu duets

At
the very least we'll need to have lecture halls and studios added to
each hospital nursery. Sheet music will be provided on request (6).

PROBLEM 3: PROBLEM 2 REVISITED

Of
course no solution is free of further problems and I predict that the
mixing of musical styles may just lead us back to the problems of
babies crying at cross purposes but rather than being a global clash
of discordant voices this time it'll come off more like an 80's hair
metal (7) battle of the bands which nobody wants to listen to at
three in the morning.

Namby Pamby Politically Correct
Solution:

Babies making music are babies that are learning, This
is a proven scientific fact. You might invest in a set of earplugs
and disconnect your phone for a while but perhaps a better solution
is to engage your child and challenge them musically. Eventually
you'll be able to relax to the vocal style of your favorite artist
and your infant will receive all the attention that they want.

Jabberwockery
Solution:

Since we've got musical babies the only possible
solution is to produce a global baby orchestra where, through the use
of carefully tuned pointed sticks the babies are made to cry at
specific times in order to create something that might be called
music.

| NOTES:

in New Zealand actually. Look at a map and you'll see that we're
nowhere near Specifica.

”...perhaps
we might sit down and discuss it like two rational human beings?
What? Oh you're putting me to bed. Don't think I won't remember
this mother! You'll rue this day! Rue it I say!"

Just as interestingly when wolves howl at the moon they do the same
thing. It is a lupine faux pas to howl at the moon in the same key
as your neighbor. I don't know why this is because this week I'm an
expert on the Genus Babius Crawlus Messyus and not Lupus
Socialus Musicalus or indeed Mortisium Languigius: Latinium
Grammaticus

You can rabbit on about the political ins and
outs all day but this is how the cold war really got started. Learn
from history or be prepared to repeat it.

You'll note that I didn't say providing solutions because that's just
crazy talk.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

[Scene: Chapter 3 Part ? - A
few days after the entrance to Hermitage. Word of Evelyn's arrival
has reached the ears of interested parties and many metaphors about
waves, boats and motion are about to be applicable]

Characters:

Most
Holy Mouth of the Great Crocodile – Da boss, the head honcho, The
big C., The Crocfather. Have you ever had to work with someone who
seemed to dedicated to bringing you down? That's this guy. He's got
the power and the authority to bring the hammer down on people across
the country, He'd like to be regarded as a caring father but his
position in the church, coupled with his rather obnoxious nature has
won him few real friends.I'm still working on him though I
don't think he'll ever have a very big part and yes he is based very
much on someone that I used to work with.

Priest
Rig – A priest who has begun to question the role of the church and
is therefore a danger to the status quo. This meeting is just the
beginning of his career as a character since I've already penciled
him in as a leader of a sect who have turned away from the crocodile
and begun to worship and study at the feet of Leonia, a champion of
ancient legend..

Far
away and removed from the hurly burly of the city there sits a room.
It used to be a ballroom but needs must as the devil drives as they
say and the long engraved table that now dominates the room shows
that it has being usurped by something more important than dancing.

Of
course a table suggest that people would use it and the council of
the most holy shuffles in quietly and respectfully to take their
places as is permitted by tradition. Some of them look will a slight
longing at their comfortable chairs which are collected up in the
corner of the room.but when the most holy mouth of the great
crocodile coughs and bangs on the table to bring the meeting to order
they quickly get down to it.

[nw:
Right then, this intro is crap but it's actually supposed to be
since I'm not exactly certain whereabouts this bit is going to go. I
need to expand the meeting subjects and show the beginnings of the
fracturing of the church. - this will be backed up later with the
whole adoption angle in chapter 4 - To quote the bard: It's the
dialogue of the thing thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the
king. I'll admit that it's strictly speaking accurate but then I'm
not strictly speaking Shakespeare (barring some hitherto unknown
reincarnation)]

“I
thank you all for coming on such short notice” the most holy mouth
begins I've called this meeting as there is a report that Evelyn
Esteele has left her self imposed exile and returned to Hermitage”At
the end of the table one of the newer members cleared his throat
“this isn't new. Far better to let this matter rest”

“Let
it rest Rig? Until the girl returns to the rightous way of the great
and holy crocodile we may not, can not, forget the insult that she
has offered us”

“What
insult is this most holy mouth? As I've heard the story she went
through a great deal in order to save the man she loved and he for
her. All very romantic but of no real insult to us”

“Priest
Rig you are not recognised at this time” the old priest was terse
but there you have it “Evelyn Esteele abandoned the church and
offered great insult ot me, er, the priest who married them”

“As
I heard it the priest who was involved in this took a rather
substantial payment in return for his services. I would think that,
whoever he is, he would want the issue forgotten” Rig smiled
arrogantly “perhaps the insult is to him alone and the rest of us
can forget about the whole affiar”

“To
insult one of us is to insult all of us!” the holy mouth insisted
vehimently“Leaving all this insult business aside” an
older priest broke into the argument “My brothers and sisters would
it not simple be better to just ignore her? Evelyn Esteele has been
disowned, Lady Trailin never lasted the night and Evelyn Oneeye is
the personal guard of the Baron Lutin. As she is in the city to
perform her duties I see no reason not to allow her to attend the
Baronial Mischance and then leave Hermitage with her
master”“But”“Well said. There are clearly more
pressing issues to contend with at the moment”“But”

“But
what?” Priest Rig hit the wall loudly “But we need to gnaw at
this bone just a little longer? But we need to destroy her so that
everyone knows the terrible price of crossing the church? But what
most holy?”

“I
was about to point out that she's a wanted criminal with a
substantial price on her head. In her wake she leaves chaos and
death. She's only been in the city a few days and already several
people have attempted to collect the reward. None of them have
survived. I ask you all is this the sort of person that we want in
the Royal City? The sort of person who should have access to the
Beggar King himself?”“Most holy mouth I can only agree with
my revered teacher. She's not going out of her way to antagonize us
and anyone who tries to claim a reward such as hers surely knows the
price of failure already. In this matter we must follow her example”

“My
student is right” the old priest said firmly “as emotional as
ever, but right. We just leave her alone. No attacks, no sermons,
just stay away and let it blow over”The most holy mouth of
the great crocodile looked around the room carefully before he
answered “I'd like to do that very thing my brother. Just wave my
hand and pretend that none of it ever happened but the fact remains
that the insult to the church is something that can not be
overlooked. An insul that Evelyn Esteele takes great pride in
recounting and causing others to laugh at us and question our
teachings. She influences everyone that hears her and if left
unchecked she could easily be the catalyst that brings down the
entire church”“The entire church most holy? Clearly you
overestimate her”“Again priest Rig I remind you that your
comments are out of order”“And again I remind you that your
own make no sense” Rig shook his head “It's obvious to everyone
in this room that you've already made the decision concerning the
woman. All you desire from this meeting is the justifiaction to act.
I refuse to vote on this matter most holy” the large doors were
already open by the time Rig and his supporters reached them “make
of that what you will” he offered as a parting shot.

| ELSEWHERE:

[Scene: another
meeting but not in the same place as before. This one is more urgent and goes at the end of Chapter 3 or at the start of Chapter 4.]

“Our
next order of business, once again I might add, is the Esteele
question”

“What
is the Esteele question exactly?”

“Haven't
you been listening to the pipers songs? She's managed to con her way
into a place with the Kings own tinkers”“Really. I hadn't
heard of any Esteeles being appointed. The pipers I listen to told
me her name was Oneeye”

“You
know who I mean! And now shes a tinker to the king” the holy mouth
stabbed his finger forward “We should do nothing you said! She'll
be here and gone in a week you said! Care to explain yourself?”

Priest
Rig didn't bother to look shamefaced “I don't see anything to worry
about”“You don't?”“No I don't” Rig snapped “I
really don't. She doesn't want to follow our teachings thats fine.
Half the damned country is dead. The survivors are reaching out to
us and we're just sitting on our hands while you pursue your vendetta
against one woman? Holy mouth I demand to know where your priorities are”
around the wide room there were the grumblings that may or may not
have been support “I don't pretend to
know the reasons why we were cursed with this but the fact of the
matter is that our roads overflow with the bodies of the dead. The
simple facts of the matter is that the holy crocodiles are stuffed
full, the millers, pounders and inkers all report that they have no
more room to handle the surplus. Perhaps we should take all this as
a sign. Perhaps it is time to let our people in. Break open the
Silver Mountain and feed the people as we feed upon them”“Without
the proper rituals?” the head priest sneered

“We can teach the
people” Rig insisted “Show them that to take a person into
yourself is to join them with the Holy Crocodile his own self”

| PRIEST RIG DEPARTS THE SILVER MOUNTAIN

[This takes place after Evelyn finds Tygens workbook. Leonia reaches out to find someone and Priest Rig answers. What does she want with him? I suppose that he's just a means to an end but that isn't saying much because in Leonias opinion everyone is a means to an end. This piece is now officially out of date but I'm keeping it around to show exactly how casual the cannibalism aspect has become.]

“Rig.
Sit down” his master greeted him with cheer and poured the dark
hearts blood personally rather than waiting for a servant “You're
just in time for dinner”

The
plates were passed around and he nibbled sparingly on ladies fingers
coated in a particularly hot sauce while his old tutor piled his
plate high with baby back ribs and choice cuts of meat.

“What
news of your desmense?”

“Winter
is hitting everyone hard” he admitted “between it and the war I
wonder what will be left come the spring”

“You
always did take everything to heart” the old priest said, delicately
selected a larger one from the bowl “yet in the middle of all these
happenings you are suddenly recalled back to the Silver Mountain”

“They
need to spell out a reason? I thought I thought you better than that”
the old priest swallowed down the pickled eyes, coughing a little at
the bite of the brine

“What
then have you heard?”

Their
conversation was interrupted by the fiery ritual of the stomach. Rig
noted that it was usually met with more respect than a gaggle of
drunken priests

“What
have I heard? Ah so many whispers surround this place and so many
surround you. I may have heard something that indicated that the
Grand Council, not being particularly pleased with your latest words,
recalling you to Silver Mountain in order to rake you over the coals”

“My
latest words? I've only been saying what people are thinking!”

“But
you have been saying it. Where they have the sense to keep their
mouths shut. From what I understand the council plan for you to be
offered a small post where you may no longer be able to influence
anyone”

“Look
around! This ceremony was once a dignified and solemn event. We
knew the lives and history of those we ate but for every priest now
each meal is a banquet while everyone else in the country starves!”

“You
overstate yourself. Nobody is starving”

“Its
only a matter of time! What happened to us that we debauch ourselves
like this?”

“You
really need to ask? For whatever reason we were cursed with the
turning and now our roads overflow with the bodies of the dead. The
holy crocodiles are stuffed full, the millers,pounders and inkers are
all reporting that they have no more room to handle the surplus.
I've got three shifts of men stripping the bones for the birds but
you know thats always a slow job and if we feed them too much we run
the risk of one of the flock, or herd as it were, finding out about
Silver Mountain and what goes on here”

“Perhaps
this is a sign, perhaps it is time to let our people in. Break open
the stores and feed the people as we feed upon them”

“Without
the proper rituals?”

“We
could teach them. Show them that to take someone into yourself is to
join them with the Great Crocodile his own self”

The
old priest shook his head “It wouldn't work” he proclaimed loudly
“Embrace me and then leave my presence my student. I have nothing
more to teach you”

The
pair rose and clasped each other roughly

“I'm
sorry to have disappointed you teacher”

“You've
done nothing of the sort my boy” the teacher whispered into his ear
“get out of the Silver Mountain. The council will hear of this
outburst of yours and they will send men after you”

“But
the summons”

“Others
have talked like you. They've all been disapeered”

“Yes”
Rig said in a daze

“yes,
I need to go east. All the way east”

“As
good a direction as any my boy. I'll get a message to you when I
can”

Rig
moved off slowly shaking his head to remove the ringing from his ears
[which is Leonias magic at work]

he
thought it odd since he had only had a few sips of the Hearts Blood

He
stopped as one of the prettier serving girls took a hesitant step
forward “Do you really mean all that you said?” she asked

“I
did. It is time that we opened our arms to our country and the
world”

“Then
I will follow you” she deposited her serving bowl on the large
table and fell into step behind him

“The
road will be difficult” he admitted “I'm heading east of here but
beyond that I don't know which way to go”

“Does
anyone?” her arm wrapped tightly around his own “it's the journey
that matters and my name is Rachel”

Also
note somewhere that a few priests have been run off at spear point
when they were trying to collect fresh a fresh sacrifice. Rig takes
this as a sign that the time for sacrifice has finished.

[nw:
fix Rachels part at the end. She is basicly there to show that Rig
is not the only person who feels the same way. Perhaps they shall be
lovers? Uncertain as yet although it would seperate Rig and the
Leonists from the Traditionals who, generally do not get married, or
if they do then it is very much kept inside the church so as not to
reveal the whole cannibilism thing]

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Cats have always been rather
sinister creatures. (1) Unlike
the dog, whom we conquered back in the days of Caveman Og, cats have
always had their own agendas the specifics of which we are unable to
learn. They arrive and depart as they will and ask only that we feed
them or, more accurately, put food out so that they can turn their
nose up at it (2)

But the cat by itself may not be
the only subject of the story were it so this would be nothing more
than a blog about how wonderful cats are.

A cat can look at a king. May a dog do the same? I think not

So it is that the story begins
Death, or more accurately A death which, if you happen to have read
Gaiman, was overseen by the Death so it all works out (3)

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Not really much to write about with this post, which is a very strange feeling for me. Basically I had nothing much to do one night, started playing around with a few programs (1) and this is the result. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

A compilation of different types of fire in the background.

Notes:

Mainly Bryce and a fun one called Elefont. Both are free, easy to use and highly recommended.