The NHL’s Top-Secret Trade Request Application

The NHL’s trade deadline passed Wednesday, with 38 players moved in 20 separate deals. It was a busy day, thanks in part to an unusually high number of players who reportedly asked to be traded.

While there’s a thin line between a request and a demand, and we may never know for sure who really asked for what, various reports indicated that stars such as Martin St. Louis, Ryan Kesler, and even Martin Brodeur told their teams they wanted out.

All of which got us wondering: How does an NHL player actually make that sort of request? Does he go through his agent? Does it involve a face-to-face meeting with the GM? Are there mountains of paperwork to fill out?

As it turns out, the whole process is much simpler than all that. The player just has to complete an application form. And luckily, our top-secret sources had one handy they could share with us.

♦♦♦

First name: __________________

Last name: __________________

Nickname among local media (current):

________________________

Nickname among local media (the second you’re gone and they start throwing you under the bus):

________________________

Is is true that you would like to be traded?

( ) You know, I’d rather not get into all that right now.

( ) I just want to focus on tonight’s game, you guys.

( ) I have no comment at this time.

( ) I have no comment at this time, but this super-anonymous source who happens to have the same phone number as my agent sure does.

Once the news of your request leaks, what will be your publicly stated reason for wanting a trade at this time?

( ) I just want more playing time.

( ) I just want to play for a winner.

( ) I just want to be closer to my family.

( ) I just want to play more for a winner near my family. [Blinks eyes innocently while hugging a puppy.]

And what is your actual reason for wanting a trade at this time?

( ) My current GM won’t agree to my extension demands because it turns out he’s actually seen me play; hoping new one somehow hasn’t.

( ) My GM didn’t originally pick me for the Olympic team and I’m being a big baby about that, even though nobody will call me on it because I’m so adorable.

( ) Oh, I don’t want to name any names, but let’s just say their initials are “John Tortorella.”

( ) Other: _____________________ (Additional sheets of paper are available for members of the New York Islanders.)

Do you have a no-trade or no-movement clause?

( ) Yes

( ) No

If you answered “no” to the previous question … wait, seriously? Why not?