Breaking News — The Sith Have Infiltrated Toys R’ Us

Recently Christmas shoppers in Portland, Oregon unexpectedly found themselves on the front lines of a Galaxy-wide battle between the forces of good and evil.

Late last week Jedi Knight David Canterbury entered a Toys R’ Us store and began valiantly swinging his lightsaber at several people, who we can assume must have been covert Sith operatives. After defeating his opponents inside the store, David left the building and continued the battle in the parking lot.

Eventually the police, who were likely under Sith mind control, arrived and attacked Master Canterbury with tasers, but due to his exceptionally high midi-chlorian levels, he was able to resist being subdued and severed the taser wires with his lightsaber. According to the police Grand Master Canterbury was “screaming incoherent statements” during the confrontation, but it’s more likely he was simply trying to communicate with them using the Bocce trade language.

Eventually Grand Master Even-Better-Than-Yoda Canterbury allowed himself to be subdued in order to avoid having to harm the mind-controlled, yet ultimately innocent police officers.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking — “This David Canterbury guy wasn’t a real Jedi! He was just some dork who made the questionable decision to snort a pound of angel dust before going Christmas shopping.”

To you doubters I say have fun in your little fantasy world where the Sith aren’t a constant threat to galactic stability. Enjoy your next trip to Toys R’ Us.

Hmm… this means Babies ‘R’ Us is some sort of nursery of evil! I’m going to get my Millennium Falcon pass and if this schedule is correct I’ll be there and back before mom finishes warming the hot pockets!