Everything the Illuminati, the government, and our serpent overlords don't want you to know.

WARNING: Before reading any further please disconnect from wifi, remove the data chip from your cell phone (then toss it and the phone into your garbage disposal), go into your bathroom, run the shower, blast a nearby stereo, and pretend you're just having a casual conversation.

Now you're set to read the following post.

I don't know how to tell you this, but everything you know about the entertainment industry is a lie. Sisters aren't actually sisters, mothers aren't mothers, pop stars are actually government operatives, Reggae legends were killed by the CIA, rappers are living in secrecy in Cuba, and it's all being controlled by an ancient international organisation that claims to be working toward the greater good.

These are are the best (Most shocking!? Most insane!? Most bullshit!?) celebrity conspiracy theories of all time.

Britney Spears, the George Bush Operative

The theory: Britney was on the White House payroll. Every time the Bush administration screwed up, they distracted the sheeple with another Brit scandal.

The proof: On November 6, 2007, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline announce their split the day before a key midterm election.

Who believes it: The part of the venn diagram where Michael Moore, Britney Spears, and Us Weekly fans overlap.

Keanu Reeves's Excellent Everlasting Life

The theory: Keanu Reeves is an immortal soul who has lived thousands of years through a number of (famous!) identities.

The proof:

Who believes it:This very credible webhost, whom you can contact "if you have any additional information about the identities that Keanu assumed during his everlasting life or any theory about the source of his power please tell us ( info[at]keanuisimmortal[dot]com )."

Is This Murder?

The theory: The CIA murdered Bob Marley because he and other Reggae musicians were working to alert the public of the CIA's attempt to bring down Jamaican Prime Minister Michael Manley.

The Proof: This March 22, 1994 Hollywood Reporter article, which reads, "A rumour is currently making the rounds in Manhattan, fanned by no less than the former son-in-law of a distinguished Academy Award winner, to wit that last year Marisa Tomei received her Oscar statue by error, with a resultant scandal about it soon to be exposed, much to the shame of the Academy."

Paul Is Dead

The proof: Playing "Revolution 9" backwards. Various song lyrics. Various album covers. Hundreds of other clues found by fans over the decades.

Who believes it: At this point, probably Paul McCartney.

Bonus: Illuminatigateghazi

The theory: Basically all celebrities are members of the Illuminati, which, according to its own website, "is an elite organisation of world leaders, business authorities, innovators, artists, and other influential members of this planet" who are tasked with ensuring the survival of every human on the planet.