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Here we go again with my walk down Rental Regrets lane, where I come up with a horror movie from the 80’s that I kinda wish I would have rented. I watched literally hundereds of horror movies back then, but there are always a few that slipped through my chubby teenage fingers while I was at my favorite Mom & Pop video store. So what forgotten 80’s horror nugget is on my brain today?

Oh yeah! It’s Sorority House Massacre – another slasher movies in a sea of slasher movies that came out at that time. But look – there’s a scantily-dressed young lady on the cover about to remove her lingerie! How did I not rent this?!? Well, to be honest – I was most likely bored of the ‘slasher genre’ in the 80’s. They were a dime a dozen, and as much as I like girls running around in their underwear and having pillow fights while I murderer watches from an outside window……I became numb to all of it. But I have to say, I’m having regrets from not renting Sorority House Massacre and I think what sealed it for me (other than the above lingerie) was when I finally watched the trailer on Youtube:

Does this movie take place in Bedrock? Because I could have sworn I heard some Flintstones sound effects in there a few times. Anyway, time for me to stop procrastinating and start watching this sucker. Until then, I’ll just keep gazing up at the hot and sexy……..tagline ‘A slash course in absolute terror!‘.

Here we go again with another rental regret that I have weighing on my conscience from my horror movie renting days in the 80’s. Now to clarify, this is a movie that I always saw at my local video store and for whatever reason passed over and rented something else. And now I’m having regrets! Hence the name of the post. And the movie I am speaking of is…………..

Cellar Dweller! Now, I can’t really give a valid reason as to why I never rented this – but I should have snatched it up considering those legs in the fishnet stockings on the cover. Rawwwwrrrr! I would grab those too, Mr. Monster hand. Ok, pervy me aside – the premise for Cellar Dweller sounds interesting enough:

Thirty years have passed since the grisly murder/suicide of Colin Childress, creator of the comic book, Cellar Dweller. But, as often happens to those ignorant of it, comic book artist Whitney Taylor is doomed to repeat history in a most grotesque way. Little does she know that her twisted renderings will soon reincarnate the bloody hysteria of Cellar Dweller.

Comic books, monsters, and a murder/suicide? Talk about a trifecta. Let’s take a look at the severely outdated trailer and get some more convincing:

Jeffrey Combs? Lily Munster? That guy from the 80’s show Head Of The Class that went on to be a bad director? Pentagrams written on the cover of books? Oh, how the hell did I pass this up (shakes fist vehemently in the air). Not to mention that it’s directed by John Carl Buechler (Friday The 13th Part VII, Troll) to add some more interest. Alright, I can be the bigger man and admit when I’m wrong. And I’m going to right that wrong and seek out Cellar Dweller as soon as possible to enjoy the full viewing experience!

Here we go with one of my favorite recurring posts about VHS horror movies that I wish I would have rented, but never did. Now – there is one movie that always sticks out in my head that I passed over in my many trips to my local Mom & Pop video stores in the 80’s. The cover was enticing. The tagline was even more enticing. But yet I wasn’t enticed enough to ever rent it. And that movie is……………Junior!

Sorry for the subpar quality pic – it’s the best that Google Images could offer. But anyway, I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the VHS copy of Junior and put it down. The artwork is actually pretty sweet considering this was 1985. The burning boat in the background is intriguing as well because it makes me want to know why the boat is on fire and who is in the boat when it’s on fire. Genius marketing on their part. Considering I still haven’t seen Junior, I have no real clue as to what it’s about other than that it’s going for the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre knock-off‘ gold. Good thing we have IMDB to clarify about the plot:

K.C. and Jo are two hardened female ex-cons who decide to build a marina on a lake in backwoods Texas to start a life for themselves, only to be hassled by the redneck locals who do not like outsiders, and that the lakeshore is their own regular hangout. But K.C. and Jo’s worst troubles come from Junior, a slow-witted psycho redneck who gets the ok from his equally demented mother to kill the two.

Oooooh – two hardened female ex-cons, huh? I see Caged Heat potential sex going on here. And what a shocker – redneck locals who don’t like outsiders and a psycho redneck with a psycho mother. Nevertheless…………….oh wait – BREAKING JUNIOR NEWS! Here’s another poster that popped up on Google Images:

Ehhhhhhh. I’ll stick with the original artwork. As much as I love seeing Junior in his wife beater overcompensating for his probable small penis with his large chainsaw, the original cover art is far superior. And how the hell do you leave ‘The‘ out of ‘Friday The 13th‘ at the top of the poster? Nice touch using the chainsaw as an ‘I’ in the title though. For those curious about this movie (and how the hell could you not be?), there’s a full version up on Youtube. Let’s all waste an hour and a half of our lives together and see what kind of wacky situations Junior gets himself in…….

Much like that overstuffed burrito I just ate, I’m full of regrets. Most would say I’m also full of something else, but regrets are what we’re talking about right now. And I always had regrets back in my VHS-renting days of horror movies that I couldn’t quite pull the trigger on. Enter into the mix the 1987 blockbuster Scared Stiff! I figured if I threw the word ‘blockbuster’ in there that you would be more inclined to keep reading.

Ahhhh – look at that beauty. How did I never rent this? Oh I’m sure I just passed it by and rented Slumber Party Massacre II for the tenth time. I’m always a sucker for good title font, and I actually kind of dig it here. Reading the synopsis more closely, it looks as though the plot revolved around voodoo curses and slave owners. Not exactly my cup of tea when I was a 13-year-old horror movie upstart, but I’m sure I could have taken a chance on it. Looks as though Variety magazine was quoted as saying that Scared Stiff was “……..too explicit for the squeamish.” What the hell, man?! I love explicit things! Only one way to settle this once and for all and see if I should finally watch it. To the Youtube trailer!

Oh man. I’m sold! And it looks as though the only thing that’s really explicit is the bad acting. And those terrible effects too. This has ‘pack and bowl and watch’ written all over it. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Scared Stiff has probably not gotten the Blu-ray treatment thus far. That’s ok, I’m sure I can find a watchable version on eBay. Let me look……(do do do….do do do….do do do). Ok, I’m back. Didn’t find a VHS or DVD, but I did find THIS. For those who don’t want to click the link, it’s a promotional paper weight for the film. So……if you’ve ever wanted a Scared Stiff paper weight, there you go.

Back in the day, I was a VHS renting madman. That sounds a lot more ominous than it is. Basically, I’ve rented a lot of horror movies in my lifetime – more specifically from the 80’s and early 90’s when renting movies was actually a thing. But there were always those movies that eluded me for one reason or another. I could never quite pull the trigger and rent them. And because of that, I’ve had regrets that haunt me in the deepest channels of my mind. Maybe not that dramatic, but regrets can still be a bitch. The next movie on the rental regrets list: The Supernaturals.

That’s still one of the best looking VHS covers of all time in my book. So why didn’t I ever rent The Supernaturals? Possibly because there wasn’t enough gore on the back of the box. I do like my gore. Or maybe because I was prejudice against Civil War zombies? Who knows. The story itself sounded simple enough: Rebels were slaughtered during The Civil War and over one hundred years later, those rebels come back to get revenge on the innocent descendants of their murderers.

The bad news is that The Supernaturals has never seen a proper DVD or Blu-ray release. The good news is that the VHS rip of the film can be seen on Youtube if you search for it. So guess who’s going to be watching that VHS rip while drinking a beer or two very soon? This guy! That’s right – I don’t want to hold onto these regrets for too long. If you’ve seen this movie, feel free to share your thoughts. I do know that LeVar Burton of Reading Rainbow and Star Trek: The Next Generation fame is in it. But even more random is that Maurice Gibb of The Bee Gees is also in it. The hell you say? Oh wait – I have proof!

Back in the day, I was a VHS renting madman. That sounds a lot more ominous than it is. Basically, I’ve rented a lot of horror movies in my lifetime – more specifically from the 80’s and early 90’s when renting movies was actually a thing. But there were always those movies that eluded me for one reason or another. I could never quite pull the trigger and rent them. And because of that, I’ve had regrets that haunt me in the deepest channels of my mind. Maybe not that dramatic, but regrets can still be a bitch. Take for instance the 1990 movie, Demon Wind:

Now for those who don’t know, Demon Wind had one of those fancy lenticular VHS covers that moved when you tilted it back and forth. I remember picking it up and being hypnotized by the cover, but for some reason I just didn’t deem the movie worthy of my time. Perhaps it was because of the taglines ‘There’s something deadly in the air‘ and ‘It’ll blow you away‘. My younger mind may have thought that Demon Wind was about a deadly fart that you couldn’t escape once it got into the air. When in fact it’s just about a bunch of stupid kids who go up to a farm to investigate some missing grandparents or something. Luckily though, someone on Youtube was kind enough to compile a ‘best of‘ clip highlighting some of the classic moments to help sway me into possibly watching the full movie. Spoiler alerts obviously.

Ok. What the hell was I thinking not renting this movie back in the day? First of all, the magician scene was probably one of the best and most ridiculous scenes I’ve ever witnessed in a horror movie. And that alone makes Demon Wind a must-watch in my book. Add to that the terrible special effects and make-up, and we have ourselves a winner here as far as ‘best horror movie to watch when you’re fucked up‘. It looks like the original VHS version with the lenticular cover goes for upwards of $35 and there seems to only be a Region 2 DVD release. All signs point to Scream Factory or someone like that giving this the high-quality transfer that it deserves. I was wrong about you Demon Wind. You’re more than just a deadly fart movie. So much more.