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It’s not easy raising a tiny human. That’s what I’ve been doing for the past 5-ish months.

Which is why I haven’t been writing anything.

Tiny humans take up a lot of time. It’s also not so easy to type with one hand. Or maintain a train of thought longer than, “Did you just go poop?”

I’d like to say I’m settled in and back to my old ways, but I’m not. Right now, I’m in Ireland for an extended amount of time doing…well…alot of kinda nothing…but it’s an important kinda nothing. So…

The other day I was sitting in Oslo with Galway Bay Brewery staring me in the face with a double IPA named Of Foam Of Fury and it hit me like a screaming banshee. My mini-series while I live here shall be named:

Fact, Fiction, and No Feckin’ Way!

Kinda says it all.

Anyhoots, there you have it. I’m back. And with a mini-gypsy in training.

A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away, beer was just beer to me. It’s heartbreaking…I know.

My first GABF was 11 years ago. I did what many people do: get trashed and not make it to even half the breweries. More than likely, I visited only a quarter of them. I lacked the wisdom and taste buds to be discerning. Don’t get me wrong, I had a shit ton of fun until I found myself releasing the demons of that fast and furious 4 hour session onto 14th Street and at a porcelain throne in a bar.

Things change.

Long past are those days. Now, I have a game plan when I go in. So for all you newbies, I’m sharing this in case your only plan is to try some beers.

1.Choose ahead. Whether it’s a style of beer, a region, specific breweries, or medal winners, be specific in what you’re going to drink. It’s a HUGE amount of beers and even to someone like me, it’s still overwhelming and extremely tempting to jump off course.

2. Use your will power. Stick to your choice because once you jump off the wagon, it’s hard to get back on.

3.Don’t feel obligated to drink everything you try. For many years, even with sticking to my chosen beer path, I’d get tanked because I drank every bit that was poured, whether it was bleah or awesome. If it doesn’t impress me, I dump it because I have long list to get to and I’d rather save my wits and taste buds for awesomeness. Sometimes, I even spit.

4.Go with friends that understand or alone. There’s nothing worse than having to wait for a friend in a long line at a brewery that you’re not tasting at. This can contribute to getting off your beer course. Going with peeps that are okay with not seeing you for the next 4 hours because your beer interests vary is important. Or find beer buddies that have the same plan as you. Personally, I’m a fan of going alone. Let’s be serious, beer people are friendly and if you go alone, you’re not really alone. You’re with the best extended family in the world.

5. Bring beer snacks. Nuts, pretzels, potato chips…whatever your preferred drinking snack is, bring it. This will help with not getting tanked. It also helps in not wasting time standing in line to get a snack. As dorky as they are, I appreciate the wisdom of pretzel necklaces. It also doubles as a good way to make friends or to hit on beer girls. You’ve had a lot of beers and you’re peckish? Would you like a pretzel?

6. Get tickets for more than one session. If you have the funds and time, it’s totally worth it. There’s a lot to do besides tasting beer.

7. Map your game plan in advance. The floor map, events, and breweries are on GABF’s website already. The beer list comes out on Wednesday, Oct 1st. Which means you can have your tasting experience mapped out and ready to go before you step into the gates of heaven. Of course being flexible in the plan is important: beers get tapped out, there’s longer lines than expected, you get distracted by the really cute guy/girl you offered a pretzel to, people keep asking to take photos with you because your outfit is cool… distractions happen. If you know where you want to go and where that booth is, you don’t have to waste time trying to find it.

This year, I won’t be attending GABF. Yes, I am super sad but sometimes there are more important things in life (hard to believe, I know). BUT I will be attending some of the fun extracurricular activities, like the Great Avery Boulder Fest at the Fox Theatre in Boulder.

After every New Year’s, it seems I get a barrage of messages from old suitors trying to regain the spark. For the turn of 2012 to 2013, there was no competition about who would get the award for best shot. On January 4th (seems to be a magic number for me) I received an email that put all doubt out of my mind. There were no words. Just photos. I would put little black boxes over the eyes to protect the innocent but let’s not kid ourselves…no one is innocent here.

The guy in the blue is who I dated for about 2 months. I’m not sure why I broke up with him because every girl wants to be neglected, unsupported, and told she’s crazy. I always lose the good ones.

Seeing this just sparked the fires of passion for me all over again! Guys, seriously…if you lost your woman this is DEFINITELY the way to get her back. She is going to be beating down your door!

Him: “When we were sitting at Stueben’s, God was screaming in my head that I shouldn’t talk to you unless it was about Him.”

That was the last time I saw Jake as he walked out my door without shoes on and half-dressed last December 4th.

Because dating is soooo easy, it gets only better when the person you’re dating has a drastically different religious background from you. I highly recommend it. I don’t know why he just didn’t understand that we were a perfect match even though he was seriously Christian and probably a Republican. During a serious make out session, he stops and the let down went like this:

Him: “I can’t date you anymore.”
Me: “Why?”
Him after a seriously long pause that made me wonder if he was dying with a non-catchy terminal disease: “You don’t bring me closer to God.”
Me: *Blink. Blink. Blllliiiinnnnk….* “…what? Wait. What do mean?”

This is where the story began.

Maybe I should have taken into account that he was 22 and I was 36.

So about 9 months later, I get a text from him. This was the most romantic thing a guy has ever sent me. You should DEFINITELY do this to win a woman’s heart back:

Never in my life would I have thought I’d see a small plague roll across a beach in biblical style.

But what would one expect from a beach on the Great Salt Lake? Mormons, flies, and shrimp…oh my!

Shrimp? Yes…shrimp. That was pretty weird too.

For the short amount of time I actually spent in Salt Lake City, Utah, I feel I got a good salty taste for what to expect in this town: surrealism. Just like the front range of Colorado, SLC and its suburbs stretch out along the Wasatch Range like the long arms of Jesus. Oddly, the Mormons are no longer the majority of the populous and it actually is quite LGBT friendly. Not only is the city beautiful due to the amazing architecture that graces its streets but also the stunning geography of mountains and lake. Twin Peaks being the highest point you can see from the city at 11,330 feet above sea level and standing at about 4, 210 feet above sea level on the shore of Great Salt Lake, one can see why the Mormons made this place home. Or maybe it was the quaint smell of rotten eggs that did it…

Either way, two establishments made my taste buds jump in delight. The Red Iguana at 736 West North Temple changed my mind about Mexican food. I’ve never been a big lover of it but a mole that knocks my socks off is rare to find. When I scanned the menu, it was delightful to see that the descriptions actually made the food jump out at you. Especially the Classics and Signature Mole sections of the menu. Don’t let the building fool you. Though it looks a bit dingy, the 30-40 minute wait for a table is a sign that the food is amazing. There’s no bar to sit at which means there’s no boozing while you wait. Sad panda…

Find salvation here!

Poplar Street Pub was a serendipitous savior from a chain brewery. I wasn’t quite sure what I was walking into but at the time I was happy it wasn’t yuppieville like the brewery next door. My best description: a non-dive dive bar. Located at 242 South 200 West, it’s set back from the street a little bit. Upon walking into the door, they ask for your ID and scan it. The familiar interior darkness of a dive bar is only offset by tvs and the oddly clean look of everything. I couldn’t help but giggle internally when I saw Coors Light on tap but was promptly giddy to see a cooler full of good beer. Especially spying the brewery that I had missed going to that day: Epic Brewing Company. Upon finding the patio which is situated towards the back, my travel companion and I decide on sharing a half plate of nachos(quite large) and I settle on the Wit Beer. Maybe it was the adventure and excitement earlier in the day that made this beer so damn good but I think it’s actually just a really good wit beer. That being said, I think the nachos are the best I’ve ever had in my life. Every plate that came out on the patio smelled amazing AND looked amazing too. This is not typical bar food. This isn’t even typical restaurant food. I’d say that Poplar Street Pub is the perfect oasis for food and drinks in SLC.

And on that note, I am excited that Epic Brewing Company is coming to Denver with a tasting room at 3001 Walnut Street sometime in September. Wooo hooo!!!

A happy tummy is a Wit filled tummy.

I am holding something special #16 of 1,800.

I mentioned something about a plague of flies and shrimp…that’s up next. Stay tuned for our dashing heroine’s adventure to Antelope Island!

That was the thought I had as I stood in the road after a successful yet failed attempt at screeching my tires on Saturday.

Let’s digress to about 10:00am that day:
It was a spectacular morning. The type where you know the day is going to be awesome. My cohorts and I were headed to the opening of the new W line of the light rail here in Denver. There were all sorts of events happening at the stops like food, bands, vendors, and activities for kids. The best part was it was free all day to ride. The idea: ride bikes to the start at Union Station, get off at selected stops to check stuff out, and once in Golden we would ride to 2 breweries then hop the W back home. It seemed like such a simple plan.

We started the day stopping at one of Denver’s dive of all dive bars for a quick beer, Bar Bar. Located near Coors field, this place is for the dirty alcoholic in some of us. Being a bar, coffee shop, AND bookstore you can be there early to have an Irish coffee with a side of beer while reading the used copy of Fight Club you just purchased. Sitting there with all the other early morning patrons while watching this one woman dance to the jukebox, the line Cheryl Crow sings kept playing in my head. “I like a good beer buzz early in the morning. And Billy likes to peel the labels from his bottles of Bud.” This places reeks of that song along with many other smells.

The W line: mob mentality. Now, when I lived in NYC, people at least noticed if you were hauling a bike with you and gave you some room to get on the train. Not in Denver. We missed one train at Union Station because it was packed and people kinda pushed us out of the way. When the second train arrived we decided to not be polite and just get on and let the masses work their way around us. The Caddy(my cruiser with side baskets) is a big heavy bike so to lift it up 4 stairs as people are trying to get around me is an event bound for disaster. Fortunately, disaster was averted but I definitely got close-encounter-molested by a young lady’s butt against mine. She kept bouncing up and down. Good thing I’m not a guy.

Against what should have been good judgement, we get off the W line not too far from downtown to catch up with another friend. Again, we just miss a train because people push ahead of us filling the space where bikes can board. Another train comes and we get thwarted by a bum. Yes, a bum blocked us from getting on because he was sitting on the steps inside the train and when he saw us he said, “Are you kidding me?” He decided to move as slowly as he possibly could and the doors closed as his butt was vacating where our bikes should have been. Train #3: so packed even people at the station couldn’t fit on. What do we do? Well, we bike to the other stations on the line hoping we can catch a train that isn’t so full. Train after train I get more and more discouraged and finally decide that it’s not worth it so lets just ride our own route into Golden.

Tired, hot, and beerless, we finally make it to Golden, 3.5 hours after we had set foot on the train at Union Station. Passing by the insane line of people waiting to go on the tour of Coors, I get a bug up my butt to screech the tires on the Caddy. I get a great long one from downhill inertia. Hee hee!!

Golden City Brewery: I remember when it was Golden’s best kept secret. You could always find a seat. On this hot spring Saturday, the beer garden was packed to the gills. For beer-unch I decided to go with the red that was on tap. I’ll admit I don’t remember which red because I was just so happy to be drinking a beer I didn’t actually notice. I like GCB because its staples are easy drinking beer. It tastes good and doesn’t usually smack you in the face with too much complexity which makes it perfect for after biking your ass all over the Front Range. Located near Clear Creek, which splits Golden in half, it makes this brewery a great stop for jumping in the creek and getting a beer. Repeat as necessary on hot days, while kayaking or tubing. After wetting our whistles, we make the arduous climb up Washington Street to the new kid on the block.

Now that is pretty sexy

Cannonball Creek Brewing Company: I would never have guessed this place opened in January. Usually when I visit a new brewery I’ll find one, maybe two beers, that catch my attention. Out of the 6 beers we tried, I liked 4. The line up:

Solid Gold Belgian Golden

High Water Wit

Liger (Belgian-American hybrid ale)

Victorville Red

Ferêt-Noire (Black Sasion)

E.B.C. American Stout

Oddly the Ferêt-Noire was my favorite(it has a light hint of cherries, my favorite fruit), the Liger came in second(nice fruit and spice with a quaint twang of hop), 3rd place was the wit(it was like smooth citrus Barry White style) , and the Golden came in an honorable 4th(it might have done better if I hadn’t drank that red at GCB first). What can I say except I was impressed by their beers and look forward to what they’ll have as the years pass.

As far as what the location looks like: it’s new. Sound seems to bounce in that place very well, so if you can’t hang in alot of noise, you may want to hit them when they first open at 3pm. But I did hear that a patio might be in the works…along with some other things. Also, if you want the most up to date information you’ll want to check out their Facebook page not the website. Their list of beers is way bigger than what’s on the website.

After getting our fill of beery goodness, hangry(so hungry you get angry) was starting to kick in which led us to the next adventure: Ali Baba and the lack of a stunt double.

Vince Vaughn is one of my male underdog heroes. At the beginning of the movie Swingers, him and a friend are driving

to Vegas from LA and he keeps saying that phrase, “Vegas, baby. VEGAS!!” It’s strange how things stick on the inside of my brain.

There I was. In Vegas. Was I excited? Not really. I’ve never been one to buy into hype and Vegas is seriously hyped. Gambling is not an activity I would consider fun (I could have bought a lot of really good beer with that money), so what does a person do in Vegas when they don’t gamble? Well…go to a 1950’s Rockabilly convention called Viva Las Vegas.

But it was Wednesday and the convention didn’t start until Thursday. So what do I do? Well, see what it might feel like to be a local, of course. I went to the grocery store . I figured out how to use their bus system. Realized there’s no shared bicycle program. Got a good grip on the insanity of how big the blocks are and how much bigger the casinos are. That the only place you really want to walk is on the strip but there’s a ton of drunk people there. Cabs are ridiculously expensive.

Yeah…don’t go to the grocery store. It’s super sad. I thought the veggie section of the Un-Safeway in Denver was horrible. This Vons made me seriously question what the hell people eat in Vegas. It made me re-appreciate Colorado grocery stores so much more.

The bus system, RTC, is only $2 to ride or you can buy a pass at one of their ticket vending machines(TVM), online, or from a list of stores. If you’re on the strip though, NONE of the listed stores carry passes(like the 15 day or month) and you have to buy it from one of the transit centers. If you want just the pass for the strip, then you can purchase it at a TVM on the strip. There’s a 2 hour pass for $6 or a 24 hour pass for $8. If you’re planning a trip to Vegas on a budget, I’d say buy the 15 day pass(depending on how long you’re staying) because it gets you access to everywhere including the strip and buy it in advance online if you can. If you can’t, plan in advance a trip to one of the transit centers. And the bus goes to/from the airport. Bonus!

The cabs are expensive. To ride from where my friends and I were staying to the convention was under 3 miles and it was between $12-$16. I’m a frugal person when it comes to certain things and transportation is one that I skimp on. It’s a means to a destination and arriving in style is not a concern for me.

After a bit of adventure during the day, a nap and downtime was necessary for the evening ahead.

Trust me, I’m doing the best I can.

Enter: Double Down Saloon. Best. Punk. Dive. Bar. EVER. Okay…maybe best one out of all I’ve been to. I’m not sure how to describe this little piece of heaven in Vegas. It’s Punk. It’s gross. It’s a serious dive bar. It has a photo booth. It has gambling. The best part besides the trashed out bathrooms was the wall by the stage that says “SHUT UP and DRINK”. The jukebox is filled with all the favs of punk, ska, garage, surf, and rockabilly. If you’re not sure if you can make it there while in Vegas, then you’re a wimp because this place is open 24-7. Really. It’s an oasis from the glitz and glamour.

Liters of Love

After 2 shots of tequila and a PBR there, the next stop was just around the corner. The Hofbräuhaus is the only German beer hall (they claim) in Vegas. Lucky me! Half way into my liter of beer, my cohorts and I decide that the polka is the way to go. The oompah band playing was a little less than enthusiastic when we arrived but once we got our jig on, boy did their spirits rise! Note: When traveling, if a band is playing that you can dance to, do it. There is nothing more fun than potentially making a good fool of yourself trying to dance. Seriously. The back of the haus was pretty neat since it was made to look like you were outside at dusk.

The rest of the night was dancing and bad behavior in general back at the Orleans. My first lesson about casinos happened that night: there are no short cuts when you’re drunk through a casino to your room. It is undoubtedly the longest walk to ever occur in my memory, even after having done 15 mile hikes, so be sure you have a drink with you to keep you company.