Prime Minister Buys Corvette to Prove He’s Cool

In a move described by pundits as “the epitome of a middle-age crisis, yet slightly endearing,” current Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper purchased a 2014 Corvette Z51, the top-end performance model of Chevy’s popular Corvette sports car. Harper is not traditionally known as a car nut, and so commentators on both sides of the aisle were surprised that the Prime Minister would buy such a flashy car, pointing to his history of responsible, budget-friendly purchases in stark contrast. As one TV personality put it “Corvettes are fun cars; they’re all about a thrill. I wasn’t aware Harper knows what fun is – he’s the type of guy to get excited about cash flow statements, not a sports car.” Speculation has it that the Prime Minister is trying to appear cooler in order to win over younger voters, a demographic politically skewed in favour of rising political superstar and failed hair model Justin Trudeau. This was all but confirmed by a recent press conference, where Harper was asked about the purchase by reporters.“The car? Oh, I’ve always wanted one, and I finally decided to splurge. The dealership was offering very sensible financing terms, and I thought it was a good time to take advantage of the low interest rates,” the PM was quoted as saying. When asked how he feels about the car’s ability to race to 60 miles per hour from a standstill in 3.8 seconds, Harper mentioned that he has yet to accelerate that fast, as he’s not sure that such quick manoeuvres are entirely a good idea for an inexperienced sports car driver like himself. In fact, when asked by reporters about the fastest he’s driven his new, 460-horsepower sports car, Harper said “I’ve been keeping it within the speed limit. Even on the track I’m still not sure I really want to be driving much faster, it’s just a little unsafe. And it’s so loud!”True to his word, Harper has been spotted in the driver’s seat of the conservative-blue car with white racing stripes on the 401 around Ottawa – but always in the rightmost lane of the highway. According to a source within the PM’s Political Strategies division, Harper has been driving the car near areas he believes that 18-25 year olds frequent, in hopes that seeing him in his new ‘vette will change their opinion of him and make him seem like a “cool candidate.” “It’s not a bad idea,” our source, who spoke on a condition of anonymity, told us. “Except that he’s been taking the car to golf courses and wine bars. We tried to tell him that those aren’t the best places to be seen by 20-somethings, but he’s convinced they are. God, last weekend he used the car to make a run to Home Depot because he thought it might score him points with the blue-collar demographic.”At the presser, Harper defended his decision to buy the car against claims that it was solely for political reasons, citing the car’s fuel economy and safety rating as key factors in the purchase. “Also, it’s a smooth ride, really excellent suspension. Plus, the seats have adjustable lumbar support, which is nice for when I get back from long flights overseas and have to drive home from the airport,” Harper claimed. At press time, reports indicate that the Prime Minister took his new Corvette to the track, where he set a personal high speed of 108 kilometres an hour.

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