straight and crisscrissed A - twisted pair and RJ-45got me sweating like a pig, disgusting, didn't know how hard it is to assemble a cable.

friend introduced me to a new friend, again strikes the socially awkward 'me'embarassingprofs attended other department's acquaintance party so no classes, went to school just to fix cable and went home early.

I was diagnosed with bulbar myasthenia gravis last year.The moment I realized that I couldn't talk, I knew there was something wrong.It was a struggle going to doctors and having to take different kinds of test. It took me two months to know what was wrong. Then, I was told that there was really no cure for the disease but here is a cure for the symptoms, so the best I could do is to hope for remission.I have to take this drug which has the worst side effects. Bloated face, insomnia, muscle weakness, the list goes on.I'm not vain, I'd never liked attention and as much as possible blend in with the crowd, but having a bloated face was really depressing.I was an average looking girl, brown eyes, I guess what made me stood out was my dimples. Sometimes random people would comment on my dimples while walkin on the streets that both flatter and embarrass me. Sometimes people stare, sometimes its flattering but I don't really like it that much, cause I'm socially awkward, sometimes I feel like they're waiting me to trip or that there's something on my face. Saying that I really have a low self esteem is an understatement.So having a bloated face is difficult. The people who knew me was shocked whenever they see my face. And their comments hurt. Even their stares hurt. Honestly I never appreciated my looks until I don't have it anymore. I guess, I thrive on what people think of me, that weakened me. So what did I do? I stopped my meds. And it's the most stupid thing I ever did.The symptoms came back worse. And I had to start again my meds. After much regretting and wallowing in self-pity,I promised myself to just do what the doctor said and stick with it.Now, Im taking prednisone for four months and I look like Shrek's wife and Im trying not to care when people stare.Im in my fifth year of college and Im just trying to suck it up, after 9 months hopefully I could graduate (engineering thesis is a pain). I can't wait to get out of school and the stares and the comments. I just want to get out of here and start a new where no one knows me and no one knew the old me. Just praying and hoping to get through these 9 months without getting my spirit too broken.

It’s amazing how one moment can change what you’ve always believed in. Just a moment of contemplation can alter a whole lot of perspective.

This one day, alone with your thoughts you’ve realized something. But it isn’t a good one. It’s far from it.

This one day, nothing feels right, nothing is in control, you feel so lost…you just realize how pitifully alone you really are. This one day, as much heartache you’re feeling right now, it doesn’t matter…because nobody knows… and the world moves on…

It’s not like you don’t have friends. You have, but you can count them with your fingers. You realize there’s not a lot of them.

It’s not like they’re bad friends, they just wouldn’t understand. Plus, the fact that you’re too much of a coward to ruin this smiling face they’ve always pictured you in.

You have friends, but when they look at you, they’re not seeing you, the whole you. You let them see this part of you, the side with blossoming flowers, glowing stars and all that jazz. And you kept the other side hidden in your shadow, the side with plain grass and dying stars.

It’s not like you can blame them for not looking hard enough and for not hearing what you’re not saying. It’s not they’re fault you’re just too hard to see and hear. But you can blame yourself for fencing yourself in and creating boundaries between yourself and them. You’re just too afraid to let them in. Cause if you do, your little circle of friends might just vanish in thin air and just become a space in a vast plain.

So no, you don’t pick up the phone and tell them what you feel. You just wait for them to ask you if you’r alraight and give them a smile to assure them that everything’s alright like you’ve always done.

It’s not like you don’t have a family. You have the most amazing parents and caring siblings. They’re just not here.

You’re used to going home and finding nobody waiting. It isn’t something you always acknowledge, it’s a fleeting thought. It doesn’t bother you at times but when you have the crappiest or the happiest day you can’t help but be bitter. Cause those days are the ones when you want to sit at home and share these big things that happened, whether to whine about them or boast about them, but then you can’t… nobody’s home.

But there’s one thing you can reason for feeling alone. You don’t have a special someone. You get something right after all. You’re single but you don’t make yourself available. It’s not like nobody wants you. Actually you don’t even know why some people want to be a part of your life and fill that empty space right beside you. You’re not that special as you’ve always said. But they insist.

But how can you let anybody in if you’re too afraid that they won’t understand or they might just leave you. You know you can love, you just don’t know how. But can you let yourself be loved if you’re incapable of it?

You can’t blame anybody for being alone. You can’t blame them for your solitude, your emptiness, your pain. You can’t also blame yourself for feeling them but you can blame those skycrapers you’ve painstakingly built around yourself hindering anybody from entering.

As you acknowledge all these thoughts, thoughts you’ve unconsciously hidden at the back of your mind, tears form in your eyes, threatening to fall. But you won’t let them fall. You’re stubborn like that. It wouldn’t be surprising that you read so much. It’s easier for you to feel others pain than yours and to be in others shoe than your own, even if these ‘others’ are just fictional characters that don’t even exist. You’re too much in denial and too difficult when it comes to your feelings.

So no, no time for tears, no time for hurting. There’s too little time, so many thing to do and people to think about.

The fact that you feel so alone doesn’t mean that you only have yourself to take care of . So again you push these thoughts and realizations at the back of your mind, where they really belong.

It’s easier to just forget about all of these cause it doesn’t matter…nobody knows…the world spins madly on. So should you.

i hate him. I really hate how he brings down people and speak as if he's the nking of the world. He thinks he's superior and everyone is eneathe him. His words can cut dee and he views it as if its a vital part of our growing up, as it helps us. No, his words only makes us feel shit. And I hate him for that, I hate how he speaks to me and my sisters, the way he speaks about my parents. I hate every word that comes out his mouth. Im so tired of his shitty comments. He's so good at seeing others mistake and yet he never sees his. I hate that I flinch at every word he says. I hate how affected I am. I hate anxious I become every time he speaks. ANd I hate the fact that I cant do anything about it. That I just let him talk shit, that I let him speak to us like that. I just hate him.

I just got home from school! Ughh, college life is so hard. My schedule from monday to wed, 8-6! When I get home all I want to do is to sleepI but of course I have to do my homework and reports. This sucks!

Im obssessive about eyes. I love them and hate them at the same time.There's this sense of honesty and bare truth lying behind them.Window of the soul...They can convey a million words at one glance.I love them for telling me things I can't hear. I hate them for telling me things I'd never want to hear.

Every eyes can look at you in a million ways and most of them can hurt.Oh, how well can they judge, one glimpse can tear a rift in the one's soul...

Im scared of those eyes, that's what keeps me stranded...

I just realized, I don't need shackles or cages to be trapped...all i need is this strangling fear to keep me from my freedom...

3 guys, yu think Id be happy? Im far from it! Flattering but makes my head hurt. They're all decent guys, and have good intentions but I don't deserve any of them. I've got issues. And I'm a lil confused...debating whether i like irls or not? And being in this situation doesntmake it easier to decide. Im fucked up. No one knows. (I make sure that this account never reach anyone who knows me) People here aren't that open to these sort of things. And its really difficult not being able to confide this to anyone. I don't knw what to do, how im gonna resolve this. I've been asking his for years. I loved my 2 ex boyfriends but wast xure if i really loved' them you know. In my two relationships I always end up dumping them coz Im not happy and I feel like they deserve more than I can give. I had a crush one time with this girl. Everytime I see her I get nervousand my heart pumps faster. I never saw her again and I didnt even get her name. (im pathetic). Right now, Ive been hanging out with my ex and sometimes he holds my hand, sometimes I let him but I dont hold his hand back, sometimes I subtly remove it fromis grip. I dont have the heart to tell him THAT iM NOT COMFORTABLE WITHTHIS BECAUSE HE'S BEEN GOOD. aND i CONSIDER HIM MY BEST FRIEND SO MAYBE THATS WHY i CANT REALLY LET HIM GO AND still continue to be with him. Im s confused. I dontwant to hurt anybody. Im happy to be with someone and not feel alone but sometimes I feel like Im missing something more. Im so confuse...

Igot to see my nephew today! He's so cute. He has dimples like her mom and me! He's gonna be a heartbreaker someday.

I got to see my sister too. I'm really glad they visited. A day spent with them is the hihglight of my week. (It gets lonely here sometimes)

What else happened? I bought lil tokens for my Masters . Yeah you read that right. My Masters. I have six masters. We, engineering students, choose our major in our third year. So forf irst and second year, we're just general engineering sudents, but in our third year, we can be a mechanical engineer, industrial engineer, electronics and communication engineer...etc. In short there are several departments, and the authorities decided that for every department to have fund for activities they pruposed an activity called 'slavery'. The 4th and 5th year students will bid for each one of us and we'll be their slaves for a whole semester. So that's the reason why I have Masters. It isn't realy that bad, coz slavery are strictly for academical purposes only. My masters weren't hard with me, they only asked for two favors for the whole semester and I got it easy compared to the things my friends have done for their masters. So I really had to give hem something considering how much they pai for me..hehe. I just hope they'll appreciate it.

Another thing, there's something bothering me. Last night, I was dreaming...or having a nightmare, I was in a movie house, sitting, then I just put my hand in my mouth, then I can't breathe and yet I can't move any of my limbs. It was scary because I really struggled before I can breathe again. This wasn't the first time. Recently, this happened a couple of times. Sometimes, I'm semiconcious, have a pillow covering my nose, I can see my surroundings yet I can't move any part of my body. I struggle to breathe. It happened to me years ago, where I just tend to moan so that my sister whose laying beside me would nudge me or something. It's a lil scary. Has anyone had the same problem?

Anyway, that's my thoughts for today. But I'm good and Im okay, hopefully tonight would be different. I need my sleep. Tomorrow Im gonna enroll for the second sem. Tomorrow would be a very very long day!