Volume 1 Entry 1: Reliving the Beginning of Us

Dear Journal,

It’s about to get very personal. I created this Journal as an outlet. So here it comes. Approximately a year ago, I officially started to date my 2nd boyfriend. For privacy purposes let’s refer to him as Blue. See we didn’t have such a smooth start. Blue had dated a friend of mine (We’ll call her friend) and two weeks later dated me (I know some friend I am). Me and Friend had a history of being interested/involved with another boy at the same time that summer (That’s a story for another time). However, they were officially done and I always had a crush on him since he moved to school. In fact, I know this sounds really cheesy but during my Junior year of HS I used to wish that a new person will move and come into my life and I felt like he was that person. In fact the first day I ever saw him I felt his eyes on me and I knew that somehow we were gonna be a bigger part of each others lives than we ever imagined. He was a shy cutie, tall and a little lanky. Not really grown into himself, with braces with blue bands. I thought he was the most adorable thing ever. I thought to myself yes finally someone new. That summer I had soccer and missed out on a lot and come to find out he and Friend started to develop a thing. I knew Friend was a little more on the flirty side and that she had no idea how I felt about Blue so although I was disappointed, I let it go. I feigned happiness every time he came up to me to tell me his plans for the date and how excited he was. After a while I really started to become happy for him. I figured there’s absolutely no reason for me to be jealous in any way. He wasn’t mine, he didn’t know how I felt. A few months went by and I can feel how he’d stare at me unknowingly, and how he’d become quiet whenever I came around. I just figured maybe he was shy and maybe I came off intimidating (something others would often tell me). I begin to move on with my life, my romance history was pretty limited (again a story for another time). One day during an event I gave each senior on our xc team (forgot to mention we met in xc as well as friend) a special gift and a hug. After the race as awards were being passed out he came up to me and started talking to me as if we were the best of friends in the entire world. At this point I had suppressed my little previous crush on him so far deep into the recesses of my mind that I forced myself to only think of him as a friend. Plus he was already dating Friend and I knew not to cross a boundary. That day he invited me as well as other friends to come out and play soccer in his neighborhood and I said I would be there but eventually couldn’t come because of a family thing. That bummed me out. Eventually, time passed and so did XC season, I started my transition to soccer. A few weeks had passed and out of the blue I receive a DM on Instagram (how original, I know). It was from Blue, and he had just split with Friend. Feeling bad and wanting to be a good friend I had asked what had happened. I contemplated on messaging friend to console he as well but something had stopped me. I don’t know what it was but I waited for a response. He said they ended on not so good terms after she jokingly mentioned that she had a new boyfriend (we are gonna call him J). J is the name of his best friend whom he had a rough history with but loved like a brother. He said that the joke went too far so he ended it. I thought that was kind of a silly reason to end a relationship but nonetheless I tried my best to help him through it. I told him I understood (to an extent) where he was coming from. I had an experience with Friend and the other dude (though I didn’t tell him that part quite yet). We got to talking and over time the little crush I had in the back of my mind came trickling back. We started talking more, I saw him around school walking in the hall. There was a time where I secretly tried avoiding certain hallways he may be in because I knew I had a crush on him. Then one day i saw him and said hi and he gave me a hug in passing. I walked away with the most stupid grin ever on my face. I started to see him everywhere. At a fast food place that he all of a sudden started working at, at soccer practice as he practiced for wrestling, in the hall, etc. I couldn’t shake him or the feelings. After battling with it, I knew I had to go for it before it drove me insane. So I embraced the feelings and decided to roll with it. Days before thanksgiving break I asked if he wanted to have lunch with me in a classroom. He agreed. He brought his home made lunch, a sandwich, and for a while he’s been hinting at wanting to become more than friends (when he’s excited about something he’s terrible about keeping it a secret, I always loved that about him). He’s shaking his leg as he sits and doesn’t touch his food. I have an idea of whats to come but I sit and wait patiently. I strike up a conversation casually, trying to calm him down. He tells me that he has a note for me that he wants me to read as the bell rings, right before class starts. So we wait and talk as we eat lunch. brring! Butterflies are swarming in my tummy. His face is turning a bright crimson red. I unfold the note. Like any other sappy girl when a guy takes time to write out a cute thoughtful note, it is the most romantic thing ever. Anyway, back to the note I don’t remember exactly what the note says. But I remember his slanted writing with skinny letters that look a little to tall. It kind of looks like he wrote in italics. I remember grinning like an idiot as I read every sweet word. The last line is what turned it into a full blown idiotic smile. He wrote something along the lines of: “will you go out with me? Hug me for a yes, punch me if it’s a no”. I think that shy insecure boy doubted himself and was scared I would say no and put that as a joke (but was low-key serious). So I look up smiled at him and gave him a really big giant hug. TO BE CONTINUED…..

Flashforward to the present: I still have the heartfelt letter he wrote on that faithful day. In fact I took it with me when I moved to college. One day I may muster the courage to reread the actual note and maybe even post what it says. Maybe one day. I don’t expect anyone to read this story, this is more for myself. That concludes this entry. There is a lot more to come.