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About Me

Welcome! I’m an actress and blogger who lives in Los Angeles. I’ve accepted my fate that I have to chase my dreams (and document that ish along the way!) I give you my stories with all the luv and all the kiwi a gal can muster.

budgets suck arse. yeah, yeah i understand being cheap, frugile and all those other words synonomous for broke are supposed to inspire the creativity lurking inside but it's no fun really.

it was definitely not fun once i found this lovely little gem in the ny times style section (bliss)

what is this beautiful treasure before me?! i mean it combines my love of t shirts (midwest girl lives ever on in my bones) and also gives me the awesome opportunity to blab my business to the world without lifting a finger or opening my trap....what? this is one of those moments where my wants and needs bleed together...

this just might have to be my one and only splurge for september. (my kid sister's marriage trumps all spending delights for the month of august.)

but whatever shall i need help with?! oh the drama of choosing the perfect plea.

HELP, i need a life

HELP, i'm crazy

HELP, i've tooted in my pants

HELP, i pick bad boys

HELP, i obsess over the color green

HELP, i listen to pop music

HELP, i'm an emotional cutter

HELP, i blog too much

i guess i have a month to decide.t shirts are the best thing since sliced bread!

Griping on facebook and reading the comments that trickle back totally melts away any and all anger. Today’s rant produced some darn good entertainment for my funny bone’s delight.

Alter Ego

I rarely straighten my hair. I work out pretty much every dang day during the week so it’s just about pointless but my body’s been aching so I’m taking 2 days off (rebel). My favorite thing is coming into work and saying hi to people and receiving back confusing looks (um do I know you trick?!)

People seriously walk right by me. I like to think I could straighten my mess out and walk around like Eddie Murphy in his infamous SNL skit where he dresses like a white guy and sees how life is when black folk aren’t in the room. I realize curly hair or not I couldn’t really pull off that type of experiment but maybe I could shake some questionable friends up. mwahahahaaa

I went down to my gym for my 6 week percentage of body fat check (I don’t dig scales…what do they show, really?) I’ve lost 2 percentage points since I first measured 12 weeks ago. That’s what I’M talking about son! The trainers down at the gym said guys body fat is ideal at 15%. I’m a 19% so I can now consider myself “athletic”…I couldn’t have been more proud. One large pat on the back for a fit bottomed gal! To keep the momentum going I’m about to start training for marathon training. (Blink twice. Yes, you read correctly.) I’ll be doing some abs and legs strengthening, yoga and some inside/outside running. Pretty soon you’ll look up "kick arse hoss"in the dictionary and see a picture of me cheesin’.

It is common knowledge. Every body knows it but few follow it faithfully (alliteration!)

You do NOT ditch your dudes or dudettes once you land a honey. It’s a code both genders are SUPPOSED to follow but seldom do.

I’m hanging with a guy bud tonight that I seriously haven’t kicked it with in two years…yeah you heard me. the reason for our long break? you guessed it…he got a chick, fell in luuuuuv and that was the end of tishy time.

I didn’t mind this so much. I realize this happens. i’m in love with love so my excitement tends to outweigh any bitterness but that didn’t stop j today from freaking out that ole boy popped back into the picture.

After much explanation I reminded her that we, me and her, have a common friend that she loves dearly who used to be my chitty chat buddy consistently for months and then as soon as he landed a serious honey all but forgot about the crazy curly-haired chick out in la la land.

Like I said…it happens. Often.

So this got us (j and i) ranting. Dudes can be far worse than girls when it comes to breaking code. They don’t obsess over relationships quite like gals do so when they do meet someone sweet as honey they flip the heck out and pack a mental bag for two, ship and sail. (say that five times fast!)

I have created a name for these types of men—these men who act like girls…WORSE than girls because they bring their feisty competitive testosterone to the girlie table. Simply put, they’re “dirls”—part dude, part girl.

Dirls invade our lives and produce eye rolls. Dirls cause us to listen to songs like Amy Winehouse’s “Stronger than Me”. They make us second guess wanting a more sensitive bloke who recites poetry and cries in chick flicks.

More than anything I propose we wedgie-fy dirls because they get away with doing what girls get knocked for. When a guy ditches his friends for the goddess incarnate we lovingly step aside, wondering if this girl is “the one”. (We forget ‘ole boy has indeed ditched and deuced 3 times before.)

The next time your guy, buddy, boy whatever says, “dang women…” cursing us like we’re the worst thing since the bubonic plague kindly remind them that they can bring the wackness like the best of ‘em. Dang dirls…

i, my dear friends, have lived in this crazy place for four whole years. in my first ever blog i documented the process...it's crazy how recent and distant that feels.

it goes by so quickly. yes, every one says this. (i never claimed to be profound or or insightful.) so much has happened since i've been here. heck, i've been in a scene with the star of a tv show, been touched by debbie allen, blown thru a scene on young and the restless, auditioned for a STUPID amount of crap, embarrassed myself, excited myself, lost myself, found myself...

this day four years ago i stepped on california soil and let the possibilities attack my soul. i'd be lying if i said the truth didn't paralyze me on impact. those beginning days weren't too eventful. at times i couldn't move from my uncle's living room chair. i'd watch mtv videos and wonder what the heck had forced me to move out here. to this day i don't know what finally got me moving but i did and i've never stopped.

the thing about going after your dreams is you become invincible in a sense. i packed up a very substantial sweet life, smashed it to smithereens and then packed the remaining pieces into a cute sebring and drove across states to find something myths and legends are made of. i sound dramatic but i seriously had NO CLUE what i was doing, how to do it, where to do it, when to do it...lol.

looking back i should have left after the first month but i didn't.

i can do anything now. i know what life and home means. i understand patience and strength. i've learned to be cautious without being skeptical and most importantly i've learned to dance in the questions (and luv them apparently).

i'm a true adventurer...worry-freak or not i've become my own super hero...pushing through anything and everything for something i know in my heart to be good. (i.e. my acting dream...you know, the whole point of this darn blog)

here's to four lovely years and many many more years of going after dreams, both new and old. happy birthday to the wonder woman inside of me!

j & i the day we made it to california. fitting that i looked like a hillbilly...the cute girl from the midwest would go thru infinite changes (both physically and mentally...and thank goodness for that cuz seriously...i was wearing overalls.)

Aren’t music snots supposed to be really knowledgeable and loyal to specific albums? (They know all the background bull like where the band went to high school and whether or not they liked peas or carrots as toddlers.) I’m not in that league of hoity toity music snotties but after an incident I had this morning I’m thinking I might have snot tendencies.

A dude at my work asked if we could swap ipods for the day so he can rip all my music off tonight. I reluctantly agreed…scared out of my mind and rightfully so. ole boy has the most boxed-in boring songs on his pathetic little mp3. it’s all r&b and rap and not the good stuff. isn’t it considered vogue nowadays to be eclectic? I almost want to b slap him for being so humdrum.

Switch it up home slice. I’m desperately thankful for my crackberry app “pandora”…for without this device I would be a very unhappy little snot.

Song for the day: grow up and blow away by metric.

Word to your mother.

Creepy

I enjoy being creepy. Jersey lives in this apartment complex with this really creepy open space area that seriously reminds me of something out of clockwork orange. Every time I go down it I do the bad guy walk which embarrasses the guy to no end but I seriously can’t help it. Cyber stalking, spooky walks and random blank stares directed to complete and utter strangers are fun. Try it some time. I promise you’ll laugh.Structured Obsesso

I tend to ‘loop’ ideas, concepts and situations in my head until my brain wants to bleed out thru my ears. Most of the time this obsessive tendency is wrapped around relationship talk and it was annoying me to no end yesterday so j and I came up with three things I’m allowed to obsess over (not one of which involves boys tickling or tugging at my homologous structure which consists of four chambers—otherwise known as my heart.)

The dirty three include the book I’m writing, acting and my friendships. That’s it. that’s all I can loop my obsessive nature around. the crazy thing is it’s working. If I catch myself drifting towards the male gender my thoughts jump to one of the three. So far it’s all good. I feel empowered and dude-like. I am in control…ahhhhh.

I was casually reading through a list of books celebrities dig when I came across a blurb on the book Rilke: Rilke on Love and Other Difficulties. There’s this Yoda-like quote that perked my ears: “You are so young, so for all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.”

Why should I love the questions? Is there beauty in not knowing? Is it one of those “ignorance is bliss” theories?

I feel like my brain is blocking any and all reasonable thought regarding me being a sound, sensible person of sanity. (I dig the alliteration!)

I can do this. I know I can break it down and attempt an effort at whatever it is this genius on matters of the heart preaches.

If uncovered, this knowledge will lead me to Zen happy time. (I just know it! I feel it in my bones!) I’ll be more patient with acting, dating, friendships, aspirations overall… watch out Laura Croft! There’s a new treasure hunter in town.

Right now I’m being stupid. Emo Tish is totally kicking rational dun-witty Tish’s rump so bare with me. Here are the questions that I will try to love:

What’s the point of having a friend that you have a crush on and can do absolutely nothing about? Is that crap healthy?

Is it possible to love and hate at the same time?

When’s the guy gonna call with the acting “call of all calls”?

Is it ok to stop making plans with friends in order to save up every penny I can for Europe trip 2010?

Is my bottom shrinking from abs and legs class?Should I take a class at Burn 60 to shake things up?

Is clear skin and regular cycles enough to keep me taking the pill?

Is it wise to keep listening to the 500 days of Summer soundtrack over and over again? I mean I could get sick of it and it’s the type of album you never want to get sick of.

OK…so me loving these questions means I have to understand what they represent…That being said I guess I can deduce the following:

I never have to worry about my heart closing up. I’m constantly always crushing and opening up my heart-a-roo.

Acting is still in my heart. This surprises me actually.

I’m cool because going backpacking through Europe is courageous and necessary for someone bent on staying in comfortable bubbles.

I’ve turned into a health nut. It’s somehow permeated into my day-to-day and I dig it.

Messing with Mama Nature (i.e. my bawd) scares me a bit.

I love music and I’m loyal as heck. Once I dig something I dig it for life (usually) but music nowadays doesn’t stick for long and that makes me sad. I really want some of the new stuff I’ve been peeping to stick…the aforementioned soundtrack and bands like The Bird and the Bee and CocoRosie are on my dig for life wish list.

So is that correct? Am I doing this whole love the questions thing correctly? Hmph…I’ll wait for the universe’s yes, no, maybe so.

i watch this show every week called so you think you can dance and every week i get lost in some story and i twirl around the room and i imagine leaping around a stage like the women on the show do. today i watched two dancers do a piece that had me drowning in kleenex. from the moment i heard maxwell's song "this woman's work" tears started falling...

i had fast forwarded through the intro that explained what their piece would be about and i STILL wept. i went back and found out the dance symbolized a woman with cancer and her fight...her dance partner symbolizing the love and the strength necessary to keep his love (her) alive. the judges were in tears, the audience was in tears. it was one of those moments where you feel the whole world is connected to one emotion. and then i broke. and i rocked back and forth crying.

there are certain themes that always tend to pop up in my writing. a partner that stays through the bad times is one of them. anyone that's lost someone they love...anyone that's had to watch someone fight...sat at a hospital bed praying beside someone, rewinding back that person's memories--a desperate attempt to cherish the present...

i sat there and bawled thinking about the this year. i met someone and he became a best friend. i told him everything and for a long long time he was this great person in my life. i found out i had this condition that caused pre-cancerous cells in my body. it was scary and painful and at the end of that ordeal that friend who i now loved told me basically my illness was a barrier between us. i felt like a breed of dog who had just found out there was a flaw in its pedigree. instead of me being a friend with an illness i became an illness auditioning for a friend. i felt dirty and shamed...

when that happened i gave some bitter snap comment back. i acted like i could handle the attack and was strong enough to shrug it off. i buried the feelings quickly except they've come back. my whole body cracked down the middle.

there's a lesson in this. now, at this moment, i realize he was not the one and i'm thankful that he left. to see that dance... to see someone tell a story...to give that sort of blueprint for how love works and what it can do...how it can work is all i need right now. i felt bad for being selfish...for taking that piece and filling it with my own stories but that's the beauty of art. you throw your heart into another's and learn some new truth about yourself and the world you once thought you knew.

Yesterday after work I delightfully kicked it. I went to a nice little pizza joint at the corner of Ventura and Van Nuys, ate one too many knots (a big ole ball of garlic bread) and then meandered over to Jamba Juice for a quick wheat grass shot to purify the demons I just put into my body.

According to the cute little high school boys behind the counter wheat grass is magical. One shot of the stuff three times a week can make you invincible…and more than likely turn your pooh green. (Both of these things make my heart go pitter pat.)

The shot got me thinking…If only wheat grass could purify my life like it does my bawd. What would a wheat grass life look like?

I’m slowly but surely coming around in terms of dating perspective. I just finished reading this book about a woman who applauds her husband up and down for sticking by her side while she went through one of the darkest moments of her life. I think I can patiently wait for a ride or die mick. (Aussie word!!! Ha ha! rhymes with chick. I’m cool!)

I have raging pms at times. (uh...like right now actually). Moments like this would require my mick to say the magic words, “you have tooted in your pants and you are now one with the world” or something else that would release me from the throws of intense anger. If instead, ole boy walks or thumps me on the head for being mean it’s a no go.

I can wiggle anywhere. I can wiggle over there. I can wiggle in the park, even in the dark. I wiggle at my desk. I wiggle with the best.

Today the wiggles stem from outside forces though. I was a guest writer on J’s lovely blog (I’ve only written to everyone I know and even one I don’t know that popped up in my “to” line.)

I don’t know if it’s knowing my best bud believes in me and supports me like a bra does big bertha or if it’s the fact that I love to write. (Maybe all that and a bag of chips)

Today I wiggle because I’m on a happy high. It’s great and hopefully The Man won’t bring me down and I can wiggle all day err day…well at least until Friday afternoon when The Man’s Time is over.

This is especially a good day to wiggle because I’m also waiting. Waiting on what you ask?

Well, I’m waiting on THE CALL. This call could be my calling…It’s hopefully coming and it hopefully involves me hearing “Tish, I’ve looked at your headshots, heard what my friend has to say and I think I want to give you a chance in the film business. Can you play a seemingly small but substantial part in our next film?”

I wait for a week. Then I call back the friend of a friend (with a heart of gold) and follow up if I haven’t heard anything.

My wiggles make waiting fun. I can wait all day err day. Well…at least until Friday afternoon when The Man’s Time is over. : )

here's the deal. my WHOLE life i've been man's best friend. that's what happens when you grow up looking like this:

tish circa 1986 (aka the era of nerd)

yes, i realize man's best friend usually implies dog...that was the idea i was going for. i was an unfortunate-looking child so naturally the boys stayed comfortably in the friend zone for years and years and YEARS. (and i howled at the moon and avoided fleas.) befriending boys became easy breezy.well at least i thought. i'm just now learning that these friendships were one-way streets.

buddying up with dudes, talking about beer and screaming over football does not a dude expert make i've found.

i've had guy buds since the age of 8. you'd THINK this would give me insights unexplained into the male psyche but alas after years of sitting with my dude friends and listening to them talk about what goes on in their brains and with their balls all i wanna do is scratch my head (no pun intended).

i've definitely scooped up a mess of knowledge, but i swear it's sabotaged more than helped. i think guys front to their chick friends because i swear i've tried to apply the "wisdom". i've attempted behavior similar to what my dude's describe as "acceptable woman behavior" and it has STILL landed me in the lip out, arms crossed "all by myself" by celine dion zone.

how does that happen?! is this punishment for abusing "the light"?

i read an article today that attempted to break down the differences between those that stand up and pee pee and those that squat. it failed miserably. i'm not sure but chemicals can't create all the complications between the genders we experience!

i'm rusty on chemical theories but i am certain that without a doubt i am THE worst male brain decoder. i have not a clue how they work and now i must infiltrate man layer, man code, man everything somehow, someway... my guy friends have been admirable opponents. the man force is strong with them. they've done a beautiful job of keeping me out of the he-man woman haters club which is SO not fair being that i've given up countless insights into the woman's soul.

that's fine...i'll get in..muther frickin $#@%*@!

so to all you women out there dating my guy friends...all you who are waiting for me to drop some majorly great maps that lead to the center of their hearts...i'm sorry but all i've got is my dunce papers. i stand at the front of the proverbial classroom of hard knocks writing "i suck at knowing boys. martian doesn't come with a rosetta stone" 100 times in cursive.

for all those that don't believe me watch this week's episode of the bachelorette...PROOF dripping from the lips of a hillbilly man who was too dumb to keep his trap shut. (the he-man woman haters are planning his demise as i type this.)

i did a quick looky loo through a box of old photos i carried out here to la. i'm missing a couple including junior from 4th grade and the red head down on wilson street but you get the gist. good times...

d meister: the devilish demeanor is accurate. nada info

the infamous "fat" (aka fort knox)

chaz: freshmen year bud. i shared the wisdom of clay masks...he shared squat

troy boy: he was much too pretty to bother entertaining me with discussions of the inner workings of the male mind

my play brother jwas too busy playing practical jokes like banana in the pants to mess with the likes of me

corey: little brother was late to the game. i moved to los angeles before i could really break the seal on this one's vault

kenny: i should be hanging with this particular male later in the week. we'll dog ear him...there might be hope for me with this one

i read back thru a couple of my blogs and noticed i hadn't done my gratuitous friend praise in a while. my friends rock. they rock because they're quirky and interesting. they're intelligent and entertaining and most importantly they know how to befriend folks in the sweetest of ways.

j is all of this and a bag of baked chips. i seriously wake up some mornings and beam light because i'm so happy the big honcho upstairs placed her in my life. she's pretty great and really successful. she started this delightful site you may have heard of, http://www.fitbottomedgirls.com/. the lady can write--a fact i've always known, but this little truth was magnified (to infinity and beyond!) once she started this quirky fun blog with one of her best friends about fitness.

for the last year i've read and cheered her on. then the moment every friend with a pen dreams of came along. she asked me if i wanted to be a guest writer for her blog baby. i think i shed a tear. of course i accepted and before i could say "i love fit bottoms" i found myself at a spin class with my good pal and trainer friend "jersey".

at the time i was a fit buff chick. (i stress then because since then i've travelled for the last three weeks, drank copious amounts of 21 and over liquid concoctions and skipped my abs and legs classes 3 times in a row.)

jersey and i went to this amazing spin class and rocked it OUT. we had a blast sweating to the music. (yeah you heard me right) we each wrote up what we thought of the experience and submitted it to the fbg editing gods. that lovely piece will appear in this thursday's fitbottomed girl post so check it out.

jersey and i were honored to be a part of the process. i mean my girl trusted me & my body to not DIE in that class which means my tiny puny lazy self has come a long way AND she trusted us to write about it. score for tishy.

three snaps for fit bottoms man! and three finger wags for me. since last week i've been back in the gym 5 times a week gettin my fitness on. running, abs and legs and some arm work outs should keep the huff & puff fatigue fits at bay.

Last week my sentences went a bit like this. I broke. It hurt. I cried.

Then the weekend came along and my sentences expanded and life was good. I had the most amazing time in Sacramento:

I got off the plane. It was hot. we bar hopped. Each sip led to more of my ish pouring out and by drink 3 I was feeling light and right with the world. We met up with Chele’s friends later in the night and spent the next hour or so discussing reality tv and the two men dressed as women beside us. The randomness of it all was outstanding.

i spy an old man dressed as an old woman. him and his similar partner sat down at our table. they then proceeded to cup their ears because we were too loud. finally, they moved and told on us.

i was hiding from that awful evil sun. 100 degrees ain't funny

fire and ice: jalepeno juice liquor. nuff said. my lips plumped up.

pink panthers...growl

Saturday:Your horoscope for July 19, 2009Today an opportunity may come your way that could well cause you to consider changing your profession, Tish. Whatever you've been involved with previously, education, perhaps involving metaphysical or philosophical subjects, could be singing its siren song to you right now. Is transforming your working life the correct thing for you to do right now? Only you have the answers. Think carefully. Bear in mind that this opportunity may be a gift from the universe. Then follow your heart.

(I seem like a horoscope terd lately, don’t i? well when they’re right on I can’t help but post that ish)

Basically when we went out Saturday night a kind friend of a friend decided to drop some major news on me. the guy might be able to get me in good with some crazy famous producers…meaning the friend of a friend for some reason is down for helping me with acting.

If you hadn’t noticed I haven’t blogged about acting in quite some time. i had taken some time off from my constant obsessing. I was listening to the guy and taking his card and wondering what the heck that emotion was bubbling up inside me…later I would learn this was excitement—something I haven’t experienced in so long and my night just bubbled over with new-found giddiness.

Could it be that my dream’s hopes hadn’t died? That I could still open myself up to a possibility…

Sunday I flew home and stepped inside my apartment long enough to drop my suitcase and leave again. d and I had a date to see 500 days of summer and when I say it’s THE Movie of 2009...I’m not lying!

it was so brilliant! The first show we tried to see was sold out so we settled for the 5:00 showing and grabbed some food and some beers. I was delightfully buzzed by the time we sat in our seats and then the movie started and the buzz exploded from all the tasty goodies that movie offered. I recommend EVERYONE see it when it hits your neighborhood.

You would think that a movie about a lover of love who falls for a cynic would be the worst medicine for a heartbreak kid but you’d be wrong. it was definitely painful in parts (the movie is refreshingly honest) but it packed enough sweetness to get me through. (Sometimes we all need a little spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.)

The weekend left me feeling so complete and hopeful. the movie, the possible acting hook up…I love having these lovely possibilities around the corner.

i have found the one beautifully positive crack of sunshine in our otherwise dismal economic sky.

when times get hard and money thin, people get savvy. thrifty becomes vogue...free becomes golden.

what am i rappin' about you ask. BOOK SWAPPING!

so i occasionally get on this site for bookworms called goodreads.com and so some lovely person from the site invited me to come out and book swap. i grabbed a new bud who shares a love for books like little ole me (i'll call her L dizzle) and we scooted on down to the west side for some bookworm action.

i came back with a gang of books and had a hella fun time watching people's personalities poke out as they scooped up chick lit, mysteries, how-to's and other goodies. i seriously felt like i was hustlin' folks because i came away with some really awesome books. one in particular is a book referenced in sex and the city (the movie). carrie reads from a book of love letters. i picked it right up wondering if it was the same book and turned to the very page she and big read from...sigh, hearts..."wuv...sweet wuv"

it gets betta though. the author of peony pavilion was there. i JUST finished reading her book. coincidental? i think not! i listened as she went thru her family history and the inspiration that led to her new book. it's so fun getting into people's heads, don't you think?

So I’m in a crazy maniacal state right now when it comes to being my goofy zany self and then breaking down with hives because I have yet to become a dating zen master.

I’ll just say it. there are two different kinds of people in this world…those that believe if they’re single it’s fine and those that believe they should commit seppuku if they’re not hitched by 30 (I’m in the latter group by the way)

Yeah it’s so not cool being in the sword group. Not only do we beat our sorry little behinds up from time to time, we have to deal with the first group of confident patient folks judging us for being so maniacal. It’s exhausting. The below conversation is just one example of my rantings and the calm peace j tries to bring to the table.

(side note: we have this conversation after each & every break up I go through…feel sorry for j)

Me: I’m in such a weird funk. I don’t know what this is but I know logically and realistically there is no more Mr X and that’s for the best but something illogical (and I don’t even know if it’s my heart) is just bummed as heck that something ugly came out of our friendship. B came to my desk yesterday and said I was too good for Mr X and he was intimidated by my awesome-ness. um I watched “he’s just not that into you”? I know what’s up. Lol…no guy leaves a girl because she’s too good. to prove this I wrote Mark and asked him and he said he strives for the best girl or whatever (totally proving me right that it’s silly to think Mr. X was a jerk because I was too good)

Mark then told me it’s ok to be single (I hate hearing that because society has determined it’s really not ok for girls to be single) and that some day I’ll have a family and whatever because I have too much love to waste. The older I get and the more bloopers I experience the more I build up reservations on sharing me. so I kind of self-sabotage and so I’m kinda less hopeful. Guys are seriously evolving into huge jerks. Each generation gets worse. Ugh I hate dating. I hate it so much. I just don’t want to be that loser woman living alone and totally useless. I remember being in a relationship with Mr. architect and thinking my single friends were silly and impatient and it would happen for them so I know you must be shaking your head right now and laughing/sighing at my crazy rantings BUT lol this could get serious. It really hurts my heart to know that it’s getting worse and worse, harder and harder. I can bounce back fine…I’m still functioning in society and all that but it drains me man…I’m getting desperate.

J: It took me awhile to think about this email and how to respond. I just feel so darn inadequate when it comes to this part of our friendship. I have seriously no insight or advice. I'm totally clueless on dating. LOL. I can see how hard dating and finding someone is on you. And it ticks me off. I think at the end of the day you just have to find a way to be happy no matter if you're in a relationship or not. I mean once you're married you're still with yourself and times aren't always great, so you have to find a way to make yourself happy. There's no cure-all. That being said, I can't imagine my life without *Mr. Perfect. So yea...I'm worthless. lol.But I love you!!! :)

Me: I know I know. you’re not worthless. You were single once and I remember you having hard times and crying so i know I’m not alone in the universe. Lol. I just…sigh. I just don’t want to be a cat lady! I don’t want to be auntie tish who smells like moth balls my whole life. I feel like God plops us down on this planet to flippin mate, have babies and die lol. that’s it. that’s what mammals do lol. sounds easy enough. I should have been born a penguin! Someone would have heard my song by now dang it!Sigh…being content with single-ness. I’m such a flippin mammal failure lol.

J: lol. Um, there may be a post/chapter in all of this. Cause as upsetting as it is, it is kinda hilarious. Yea, I was a crackhead when I was single. But I like to think I learned from the boys I dated...what to put up with and what not to. And when not to settle. Those lessons took a little time though. LOL. And then I met *Mr. Perfect so who knows?

We are just 28 though. No cat lady flip outs until you’re pushing 40. ;)

Me: I can’t be 40 j!!!! Lol people keep throwing 40 out there but if I’m 40 I can’t have kids dude! No one gets that lol… I already know my lady parts are a bit jacked so I’m trying to use them before they shrivel down and die lol.

Ugh…what did I do in my past life? lol if this wasn’t so pathetic I’d blog about it…wait. I don’t care. I think I will lol. I’ve learned “duh” lessons…

Don’t allow a man to cheat.Don’t date someone who is obviously chillin in the religious boat while you’re in the heathen boat.Don’t date a guy that shows no interest.Don’t date dumb guys.Don’t date guys that say one thing but do another.Ok I’ve learned lessons…now what?

J: lol. Now you just need the dude to find you. I like that thinking rather than you finding him.

Okay 35. Can we compromise at 35? lol.

Me: Sigh…maybe. How are pregnancy rates at that age?

so yeah...i think of myself as a cool chick. i'm intelligent and can hold a competent conversation pretty easily but sometimes i'm crazy. welcome to the brain of a seppuku girl.

*J does not indeed call her man “mr perfect” but you know I just don’t throw names out there

well i have. many a time. with friends and without. this morning took the cake though.

so first i have to back up. my ipod was showing much love this morning. my shower song for the day was "king of wishful thinking". i don't know if you're a pretty woman sucker like i am (and therefore totally hip on the lyrics) but it's a jam basically saying i'll get over you...you may have put this huge hole in my heart but i'm cool...i'm good. so i'm jammin and twirling...shaking my rump and doing mini fist pumps with a slight overbite (think billy crystal in "when harry met sally") feeling totally confident that the day will be flowers and sunshine.

i hop in my car, start driving down the freeway and low and behold my cute little oscar junior decides i need even more love and plays queen's "someone to love" which happens to be one of my all time favorite songs. so there i am, windows down, singing "bring me someone to love" at the TOP of my lungs, passion just pouring out. i stop at a red light and the song plays out and all of a sudden i hear clapping and shouting. i look over to my left and there sits a group of little men compacted into a truck hootin' and a hollerin' saying "again! again!"

giggle. drive off.

what can i say...queen's the ish and singing at the top of your lungs is great!

So I get into work today (fully prepared to cry at a moment’s notice) only to experience an explosion of emails from all my daily inspirational thingy-ma-jigs.

Honestly if I wouldn’t have read not one, not two but SIX different emails that basically described and assessed my situation down to the bone I might still be a stick in the mud. 6 is a lot when you’re trying to ignore coincidence though.

So I’m feeling pretty darn open, clear and happy. Yes, you heard me. the girl from yesterday, tears streaming down her face is actually content. Work is boring but I’m happy. (you know I had to throw that in). there’s just something about looking at the situation you just crawled out of. I basically had a little talk with myself and asked myself if I enjoyed wallowing in pain. When I finally got word that I really don’t enjoy it at all I pushed through the pain and started looking for what good crap I could muster out of the cracks of my pain’s fat arse. (you like that imagery?)

Beyond the 6, my boy d just suggested we see a chick flick this Sunday after I return from sacramento. This is rare and quite unusual actually so I know the universe is trying its darndest to perk me up…AND it’s working! The movie (500 days of summer) sounds like it’s right up my alley. Cynic meets a hopeless romantic and then you get to see all the gruesome ways they make each other miserable and happy. Mwahahahhaaaa….That’s what I’m talking about! And for the record D doesn't even know why his darling bud is upset. I sent out an email saying I didn't want to ever talk about where I went and who I went to see and all of my peeps responded back with a "sounds good to me". So d pretty much is being willed by God to perk me up...That' s my story and I'm stickin to it. It’s so easy to get caught up in the “whoas me” I don’t know why but humans eat that crap up. (I guess I’m included since I am indeed human) People loved the movie “Swingers” because ole boy in it pined for a chick and they loved seeing a dude down and out…Well there were some other reasons it’s considered cool to watch but that’s a major part man! It’s not healthy people!

I can’t drink the kool aid anymore. I remember who I am…The girl I am cuts the mess out of pain. I find the little joys of life and squish them in my hands and squeal with kiwi power.

J sent me my very first edits on my book…The whole gosh darn thing is marked in red lol…About to dive into that and get down to business…Up from the muck!

can't believe i'm about to do this BUT i have had a lifetime's worth of nasty gnarly break ups and falling outs with folks (i.e. men cuz i'm not bi) and i always handle it the same...days and days of mourning and feeling empty. i caught myself going into the pit falls of despair (see pictures 1 and 2 below) and decided i needed to document just how how hard it is for me and then look good and hard at those images and NEVER let it happen again.

#1.

ouch...yes i realize i look a hot mess. that's the point

#2.
it always gets worse before it gets better

without going into the sad little details of my shakespearean-like dating/talking WHATEVER IT WAS! downfall i can honestly say i'm a little bit done with drama. the two friend hook ups have been laid to rest. (lol the LAST thing a gal with a heart issue needs is cholestrol in human form!)

i vow to not let this take control...not even for 5 minutes...because then those tears last for 10, then 20...you get the drift. i listened to a playlist my best bud created for me when i was in college (going thru the same ish. i never learn) called "a new beginning", took a shower, washed all the pity off, got dressed, ran and dumped off anything i could afford to let go out of my closet for goodwill (i tend to purge A LOT under such circumstances) and now i plan to watch mindless tv and relax. no crying. just chillaxing. see. i prove it.

#3.
awww...much better. water and some perspective does a heart (AND FACE!) good.

there's no use crying over spilled confusion and misunderstandings now! so for the record, my heart indeed broke in 2009. i'm not the least interested in gluing it back together and giving it to someone else to break BUT i am interested in gluing back my happy little demeanor and doing what i apparently do best...be a good friend and faithful little blogger.

so no stories about last weekend...lets just pretend i went to a prison, bonded with a girl named lucy and now have a sore bum. (no one wants to be the jerk that wants sore bum details, right? same goes with my weekend.)

hasta luego heart ache. hello emotional numbness!

p.s. this was my horoscope for today:

Your horoscope for July 13, 2009

Lessons may come in odd shapes and sizes today, so don't feel like you need to make immediate sense of every little thing that comes your way, Tish. Instead of over-analyzing everything and becoming paralyzed by the emotion you feel in relation to it, take decisive action and feel free to make mistakes. This is where the lessons come in. Give them opportunities to teach you what you need to know at this time.

by the time you receive this message my brain shall be fried like a pickle. i'll be chillin on the east coast trying to survive off of 4 hours of hopefully sleep.

like a dingle dork i thought it would be swell to take a red-eye out and i know now i will suffer for this decision. today, friday, i have just completed 3 miles of running at a pace i am so not used to just so i will be uber exhausted once i get on the plane...a gal has to sleep thru the night you know. she has to be perky and alert once she hits the east coast so she can snap snappity snap pics of all her fun fun fun adventures. that's the goal any hoo.enough about that though! the real reason for this post is i'm heck of excited for 3 things:#1: i am happy to report that my cuzzo shell bell and her friend will be going to europe around the same time as me so we're planning to do the dang thing TOGETHA! mwahahahhaaaa look out europe! plus my best bud je might be there at the same time too...july j? #2: i have successfully named two vehicles this week for friends and fam. i love love LOVE to name anything and everything. i have a knack for it i think... i named fat's motorcycle "fire storm" and shell's care "ichiro"...ichi for short. it just tickles me rotten. #3: my bud is currently in ny calling me from his cell phone to report that he is taking pictures of all the fun places he loves that he wants to show me. i have not a clue if i'll ever make it out to the big apple with him this year being that i'm about to become euro poor but it's the thought of someone snappin pics for my heart's delight that melts my butta. it's the little things that make me giggle & gaw. word to your mother...

Not from the projects but rather someone who is someone else’s project. : )

I wonder if it was the secret society blog or maybe I just look like a sad lonely puppy that has caused a random shift in my dating universe.

For the first time in my life, in a two week period, I have had two different folks approach me about wanting to set me up with one of their friends/brother.

First friend approach:

Guy from my work and his cute girlfriend—so the guy approaches me and asks if I’m single, then gives me the disclaimer that he never does this but him and his girl both think I’d be perfect for the girlfriend’s brother. He gives me the run down of how he wants it to go down (happy hour where we all casually meet up)

Second friend approach:

Girl from high school finds me on facebook—so the lovely chick messages me on facebook and tells me one of her guy buds saw my pic and started asking questions about what kind of gal I was. She tells me he’s a really swell guy and suggests we start talking on fb to see if there’s a connection there.

I’m scratching my head right now…don’t get me wrong I’m TOTALLY flattered but what am I suddenly exuding that flashes “fix me up” with folks. I’m not a dating snot by any means (if you read my blogs or know my sad little behind you know this) but a girl should always know what vibes she’s throwing out unconsciously into the universe, no?

i'm a jet setter. i'm a pimp. i have ho's in different area codes. (no offense j)

this lovely friday i will hop on yet another plane and journey to the 20th largest city in the united states of america. according to wikipedia baltimore is the shiznit but i go not for the architecture and booming service sector-oriented economy but rather to visit my dear friend ole boy, once known as email boyfriend (eb).

yes i am traveling again. no i have not unpacked my ish from my kc trip. i'm still adjusting i say. while i know i don't have the kind of zeal i held for the plane taking me home, i am still pumped up to visit. ole boy is a cool cat. we have a good time. we laugh bunches. we are attending a most awesome event known as rock the bells which will feature some of my favorite hip hoppers (tech9 will be there yo!!! shout out to kc!!! although PLEASE never think tech9 is in tishy's top fave's list) as well as seeing the city.

i'm all for new places this summer. it's happened. i can feel myself breaking away from los angeles. soon i'll be flittering about searching for the next tree to plop to and nest in so roaming about the country this summer is most excellent. not that i'm considering baltimore!...too cold for the old. BUT it is good to get out and see what's crackalackin out there on the east side. i know you're jaw is hanging open right now. how could a type "A" crazy nut like me flitter about looking for a new place to roost...i'm a pisces man...type "A" ain't got nothin' on my little fish swimming in the other direction! the little guy likes to make sure i'm a walking contradiction whenever possible.

so yeah this summer is all about the nonchalant walk abouts...next summer i get down to business. i've started saving for my europe 2010 trip with my good pal fat and hopefully something worthy grabs my heart's attention and sends me off on some new adventure in some new place. why not?

oh friends...this will be a long one. i hate long blog posts too. it's been proven that folks don't like to read online articles that take more than a couple of minutes so i apologize now...

i've just had THE most amazing time in my home town state/city and i have to gab. i'll try to keep it short and sweet but if i fail, i suggest reading in chunks. break it up yo...i promise i won't be sad.

so here's how the week o' perfection went:

day 1

1. arrive in kc2. go with jen to her parent's pad and hang out with second family3. meet up with hubby and best guy friend "fat" and see 3D movie "up"

day 2

1. wake up and work out with jen...yes you heard me right. we rock like that. bring on the planks and wall sits!2. go to grandma marlene's hizzouse and visit with gram and great granny3. get sparklers4. cook food for 4th par-tay5. god kids come over with mommy and hang out for hours6. after kids skidaddle drink way too much sangria and moon shine. yes you heard me right7. play dominoes with jen & ryan's peeps

day 3

1. go to royals game2. nap3. watch tennis finals with gang followed by second chick flick

day 4

1. wake up and run 3 and something miles with jen2. grab smoothies3. go to oceans of fun where we ride rides like we're 10 again, lay out by pool and drink like we're 21 again4. grab planet sub--yellow sub/lawrence, kc shout out!5. go to no doubt concert...best show i've EVER been to

day 5

1. get coffee with jen, take her to work2. drive to gram's house and hang with the fam bam3. pick up jen at lunch and go to airport...bye bye kc

i skipped a whole lotta detail in there BUT basically i had the time of my life. i was nicknamed the bobble-head kid because i could not keep my eyes open most days. we did so much... i was out in a heat i know not anymore (lol) and was drinking copious amounts of alcoholic beverages so i basically slept the entire flight home. i'm sure i drooled a bit...

i got some great family history while home that will hopefully help me respect my past and those that have passed a bit more.

i got some great time in with the best bud. i swear we laughed so hard at the dang water park we had people near us laughing..."look at the bubbles. i make bubbles" is going down in the books.

i experienced the best concert EVER too...when i say that these folks (no doubt) were on stage entertaining the crap out of us i kid you not. i don't know how the band could keep up that much energy but i've already demonstrated the jumps they did twice to my cubby buddy at work. (sorry ian...for jumping in your personal bubble) and now i'm pooped.

most importantly i fell back in love with my home town. it's gotten so beautiful and they've done so much to the place...i got an itch... a very small itch to move back home and be closer to the folks i love and the area that is changing before my eyes. it was such a good weekend. jen's the tasty (miss chef extraordinaire and red head spicy gal) and i'm the whimsical goof. together we create some really great totally sweet times. coming home was hard...i can't lie but la did a darn good job of making it easier. the weather was 10 times better than the midwest, the people were actually being sweet and friendly, i got a flyaway with the quickness and my buddy came over to help me with my transition back to my norm...i swear i can feel myself getting lighter...i'm turning into a leaf in the wind. where i end up is yet to be determined.

kc

it's gettin' betta & betta

we won!!! the royals won! i think fat is crying...

my fav couple

happy 4th ! i kept calling these "sprinklers" i make fire wata!!!

callie did sparklers for about .5 seconds and then took off running. that's her in the bottom right corner sprinting away

blogger just erased my ish. i will not let this challenge my previous post though. i WILL have a good day.so why am i having a shiny day? because i say so. because your darling tishy finished the very first "real" draft of her very first real book. did i mention i'm writing a book? well in case ya didn't get the memo i have been writing a book for months. it started as something else back in november and slowly morphed into something totally me and i totally love it. it's my baby. so yeah i plan to personally deliver the printed copy to my best bud tomorrow and i can not wait! the woman is a phenomenal writer and a constructive brilliant editor so i'm jumpin like jellybeans for her to hack and slice into this puppy and make my baby perfect. more than anything i'm thrilled that tomorrow i'll be in kc. today is gonna pass like gas yo. lately i've been a walking zombie. i just don't really know which direction my future is going in. for me, the best thing to do when faced with such a conundrum is going home...mentally & physically. see where you've been, find who you are and the truth will come. (bet ya'll didn't know i got my yogi license in the mail 2 days ago did ya?!)all i know is my mind is already on that plane and i'm already taking that trip. we plan to do some totally wicked stuff. we're laying by pools at the local water spot (time to brown up--pink up for my girl since she's an english sun goddess--aka red head), going to shakespeare in the park, drinking mad spirits, working out like crazy (we plan to run a huge stretch one of the days and lift--this happens when your best friend is a fitness nut), visiting with my gram, my godchild, my boy fat, catch a baseball game, catch THE no doubt concert and of course see a couple of movies (for some reason my best bud forgets that the theater is mecca until i come home to roost). more than anything though i can't wait to just laugh and talk with my girl...i start to twitch when we're a part for too long. it is time for some shiny...happy 4th everybody!!!