Adventures of Zen Cowgirl living and being in Texas

Not too long ago, I was floating in our pool after sunset, watching the colors over the pond slowly put themselves to bed. I realized that my life was full of joy and pleasure, yet the thing I was most grateful for was feeling my happiness does not depend on any of the things I love.

A week ago, I learned something with the potential to significantly change my life. I handled it with grace and acceptance for about 12 hours, before I fell into despair at the possibility of losing what was most important in my life. By the third day, I managed to release it to the power of Divine Love and to put the practical remains in a box for later. I began to trust that I would know what to do, when action was called for.

Within a couple days, an option came to me out of the blue, for handling the situation. It seemed crazy and off-the-wall, yet it is possible that it could be away through the situation with wisdom and integrity.

After the initial relief at having options, I have been wracked by sadness. I began to question God. I accused God of setting me an exam that was unfair: Why should I have to act as the only "grown-up" in this situation? I was reminded of how I used to try to write my exams when I was a professor: A good exam teaches, even in the process of revealing the areas in which knowledge is still lacking.

I feel like the Universe has been intensively preparing me to be able to graciously take the action suggested for the past year or more. Yet, this 'solution' has brought awareness of just how far I have to go in my life's journey. I asked why I seem to need to process this decision as if it is happening now.

That's when God showed my his hoof knife.

Sometimes, a horse will have a puncture or bruise to the hoof that apparently heals over, but retains damage deep inside. The horse may seem sound for a long, long time and the hoof look healthy. Sometimes, that concealed injury can cause serious problems before anyone figures out the cause. During the course of routine care, the farrier will shave away the old parts of the hoof and notice a small black line. A good farrier will gently explore the discoloration, shaving away until the line disappears or until she reaches the area of decay. Once discovered, any rot can be removed and healing can proceed.

I left an abusive relationship ten years ago. I have been through counseling, PTSD therapy and recently started 12-step work. After 10 years of work on myself, I thought I was sound. I have been strong; always fighting for what is right and learning to trust in the outcome. Today, I saw how vulnerable I still feel in one area. For the past week, the Divine Farrier has been the paring away my sole (pun intended) to release this last (I hope) pocket of decay. By mentally working through this situation now, when it is primarily between me and God, I can heal an area where I still have attachment and fear. I will be ready to soundly carry my Purpose when the time comes.

Many ask "How can God let something like this happen?" We are God's Children. We have been given free will. Unless we consciously and willingly turn our free will over to Him, our actions are our own.

We humans are on an evolutionary path. Like all creation, we originated in a blessed state of unconsciousness.; being part of All, but not aware of our part. Becoming sentient (aka 'eating of the tree of knowledge') was our birth into self-awareness. Evolution is, in general, a gradual process. As baby sentients, our consciousness was not developed enough to grasp our true state of being of, from and with the Universal Spirit. Our brains developed egos (aka 'original sin') as a defense against feeling lost in our new awareness of being. Our connection to God was never lost, but our egos created the illusion of separateness. From this state, we do much 'evil' in an effort to protect what we see as our fragile existence.

It is critical for a child to learn through trial and error, through making mistakes and experiencing consequences. So do we evolving humans make mistakes, individually and collectively, as we evolve to consciousness and re-unification. Paradoxically, as we evolve as a species, so does our ability to do great works of either harm or reunion.

Remember that nothing eternal can be harmed. Our core being, our spirits and our connection to All is eternal. Weep for the losses of the families, for the rent in the fabric of our society. Be comforted in that the souls of those whose earthly lives were lost could not be, and were not harmed.

All energy is ultimately of the same source. Our human suffering pushes us further down the evolutionary path by causing us to pay attention. How many have had to hit bottom before being awakened? God is not acting through us when we commit atrocities, but He is still present. There is no thing so evil that it cannot be turned into fuel for our individual and collective growth. From our worst acts, goodness can emerge as the Light transforms the darkness. As we consciously participate in each transformation, our human evolution back to our spiritual home proceeds.

So weep, but do not despair. One person has released his individual and collective pain into our awareness. Our prayers, acts of love and refreshed gratitude for our own blessings manifest Light. Together, of, from and with God, we transform and triumph over this darkness. Let us make of this a gift that takes us one step closer to living Awake. One step closer to home.

The Blue Moon cycle has just concluded. It is a time to reflect on where we are, a pause in the normal progression of cycles.

What lays before me is a time of care, a time of caring

I sit with my spirit guides in my safe and sacred place
Jesus on the left end
Buddha on the right
Flanked left by She Who Heals, who Serves the Truth
Flanked right by Sunset Woman, who Lives the Truth

Where is Becomes Her Vision?
Her place is between
She is here, with me
I feel the vibrations of Being as I hear her voice

"You have the tools you need to do the job you need to do.
What you need will be there when you need it.
You are not done learning and growing, but you have learned and grown enough
to move out, move beyond
and take your place among the sharing.

With each cycle, the wisdom you need will present itself.
You have learned to nurture yourself,
to look within.
There, you will find your strength, your wisdom.
Each year, you will revisit and refresh your access to all
the medicine the Grandmothers have to teach,
to remember again how it touches your whole self.
We are here, all of us,
with you and within you always."

And with that, I begin to hear soft murmurs,
humming sweet and low, the sound of soft summer rain.
I feel the souls of my extended wisdom circle and many whom I have not yet named
Surrounding me, supporting me, part of me.

And I know, just for a moment
what it is to be part of ALL
And I know that to heal is to bring that Joy of connection
to what must be healed.