Nothing Happened

Back then I was fascinated with car rides. She had a white santro. I would rush out of work to ask her for a lift, even if it meant changing in two minutes and running down five floors in twenty seconds. I did it every day. And on the days I missed her I hated myself. I was enamored by her.

3 years ago

Back then I was fascinated with car rides. She had a white santro. I would rush out of work to ask her for a lift, even if it meant changing in two minutes and running down five floors in twenty seconds. I did it every day. And on the days I missed her I hated myself. I was enamored by her. She would look at me in a way that made me feel like she was attracted to me. I think sometimes she slowed her car down, as if expecting me to be there.

She was ten years older. She talked to me about her family, her baby, everybody and about every small thing that troubled her. I, on my part, shared every woe and happiness with her. She would drink and smoke only when she was with me. I hated it because I felt I was encouraging her. It went on for months, until it reached a point where I couldn’t stand the attraction.

So I went underground, for a few days. She went looking for me and found my home, where we decided we needed to talk. She decided to take me to the hills, my favorite spot.

She opened a secret compartment below her driver seat and removed a bottle of Vodka. “I have started drinking a lot these days, I wasn’t like this before!” She gulped half the bottle and put it back in her secret compartment. I did not know if I wanted to sympathize or chastise.

Her saree started slipping off her shoulder.

“Please be careful with your saree”, I was uneasy.

“Why?” she prodded, sounding drunk.

“It is making me uncomfortable”, I replied.

But she slipped it off entirely exposing her blouse with her beautiful full breasts.

“Please put your saree back right now or I will step out of your car!” I was angry and I hated her now…“Kiss me, I know you want to…” she continued

“I don’t want to kiss you when you are drunk”, I said angrily. “I think when people drink and kiss they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. They kiss and act like nothing happened. I don’t want that with you.”

She asserted, “You wanted to say something to me….”

“No I don’t want to…“ But deep down inside I really wanted to tell her how much I was in love with her without having even touched her once. But, I didn’t. “Because…. I can’t… Forget it….You won’t understand” I added

“Make me understand”, she replied adamantly, like she could read my mind. I shook my head, but inside I felt an overpowering urge to hold her, kiss her and just acknowledge to myself that I indeed had feelings for her.

“Let me kiss you… just once….” I said.

She said “No, I’m uncomfortable about it”

I looked out of the window. Everything felt the same, but the sun was setting and it was getting dark. Many minutes passed in silence, I tried again. “Let me kiss you please. If kissing you on your lips makes you uncomfortable, I will only kiss your neck. It will mean so much to me.”

She said “Alright”

Taken aback, I replied, “Are you sure? If you are not comfortable, I won’t.”

She said “No, kiss me.”

So I did. She was driving her car. She suddenly said “Stop”. I stopped and looked at her. She held my hand and clasped it. “I just want to park my car”, she smiled. She parked and we kissed for a long time and I touched everywhere I could. I silently thanked whoever made chiffon sarees which let my hand find its way around her smoothly.

I pulled away, held her hand and said “I am in love with you, I’ve wanted you for so long.”

She held my hand tighter and said “I love you too.” We just stared at each other for some time. The sun had set. It was dark now.

She put the keys into the ignition and started her car. She dropped me off at the next auto stop. When I returned home I was wet in my nether regions; happy yet sad.

The next day she acted like nothing had happened. Like I was just some acquaintance she knew. When I confronted her all she said was “It was wrong.” I called her a bitch and left.

A month later she sold the car. I moved away too and cut all contacts.

8 months later

It was the 2nd of July, the day of decriminalization. I was inundated by phone calls by friends. Suddenly an unfamiliar number rang, “Congratulations, you are free now, it’s victory for your kind!” She’d called after all time and how I hated that statement! How I hated her!

Now

The “me vs. them” still angers me. If you are wondering if I still think of her, I think I have left it all behind. But I spent months longing, wishing, hoping, praying that a miracle would happen and she would understand. Above all, I wished she would realize that we both won, we all won.

I’m glad you decide to be out and proud. I have met many people who never confront and let this ‘nothing happened’ exist in their head. I have realised since the years that it is best to confront and get it over with, you can fool the others but you can’t fool yourself. 🙂

Hi Sonal.. m sure we all relate to this.. and its hard to just forget and leave it behind..but i guess time has definitely made me realise how important it is to move on from something that is just not going to make you happy eventually!
thank you for this piece..

I agree its important to leave behind whats not easy but when you are in it, its so difficult to accept and move on. I just want people to know who maybe in similar situations that it gets better and it won’t always be ‘nothing happened; if you move on. And you don’t need to thank me darling! 🙂

Very nicely written, Sonal! Thanks for sharing. It is so sad when a person walks away without a second glance. Not (just) because they walked away from love. But because they refused to acknowledge that, even for themselves. That’s life, I guess, and it takes all kinds to make the world.

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