I guess I wasn't surprised by my mother's reaction. She's worried, partially because "She's so young!" and because we haven't been together for very long (As far as I'm concerned, it's been nearly a year, but I don't think I would be able to convince my mother that an online relationship carries the same status as one "in real life" - we didn't actually meet in person until July 2001, when I went to Chicago. My sister just said "Congratulations!", but I know that she will go home and express all her worries to my mother, not to me, so I should probably be grateful that my mother was open with me about how she felt.

As far as getting married so soon is concerned, she might be worried, but she'll get over it. She'd only been with my dad for 6 months before they got engaged, so she doesn't have much of a leg to stand on. But something else came out while I was talking to her, which I found more bizarre. She asked:

"Will you be getting married in a church?" and I kind of looked at her strangely and said
"Well, no, of course not".
"Why of course?"
"Is this a serious question? I haven't been a Catholic since I was 14."
"A lot of people go through a phase of questioning their religious beliefs, but I just thought..."
"You thought I'd just come back to the fold after my silly wanderings were over?"
"I didn't say that...but you know, your spiritual life is very important."
"I have a spiritual life! I can't believe you're saying this. Why would I want to get married in a church when I don't practice the religion?"
"You were brought up a Christian, Alan, you can't just leave it behind..."
"Of course I can! I did years ago! For god's sake, I even joined another religion since then and left it too..."

The sad thing is, she is well aware of how I feel about the religion I was born into. I mean, as religions go, it's not the worst, it's not the best, and it has nothing to offer me any more. Christianity as it was taught to me by my parents and teachers is a religion best suited to children: little baby Jesus in the crib, angels and saints, heaven and hell. Good and bad are conveniently divided by a big wide gulf, and God is love. I mean, at its core it contains a message which the whole world could benefit from: love. Love others, love yourself, love God, whatever God is. But to live at that core, you don't need to practice a mainstream religion. All you need is to be a full human person. I've talked to my mother about all this before, and I know she knows how I feel.

She wants her son to be married in a church. I asked her if she'd prefer me to just mouth the words of the ritual, even if I didn't believe in them, and she hesitated, and didn't say anything. I asked her if she understood that, to me, the truth is incredibly important, and I wouldn't lie just to make someone happy, and she said "That's so male." We talked about James Joyce - how his mother asked him, on her deathbed, to renounce his atheism and return to the Catholic faith, and he refused. My mother thought that was cruel and heartless of him. I think it was cruel and heartless (and stupid) of his mother, the worst instance of emotional blackmail I think I've ever heard. My mother said that if it was her, she would have lied to make her mother happy, and I said, well I wouldn't. "That's so male".

My mother would prefer me to get married in a church, like the promised reward of the hard-working and faithful parent, because if I don't, she will have to explain to her entire family why I didn't. She would rather lie and lie and lie until they are all dead than go through the awkwardness and arguments and criticisms that will come if they find out now. What's the big deal, you might ask? This is Ireland. They are in their seventies, and they come from a generation in which it was utterly unheard of to reject the religion you were brought up with. The Pope is infallible, and everyone in any other religion is going to hell, and you get married in a damn church.

I don't mind facing down my family. I had a guru for 2 years - I spoke to most of my family about it, and I was perfectly prepared to talk to my grandparents about it, but my mother persuaded me not to, "they wouldn't understand". My uncle was an atheist for years, but no one talked about it, they pretended like it wasn't real, and after a decade or two, imperceptibly, he returned to Catholicism. He got married in a church. Maybe my grandparents will pretend like I don't exist, or like my wedding didn't really happen. Maybe in their eyes, it won't really have happened, since it didn't happen in the sight of God. I don't really care, and I won't sacrifice the truth just to let anyone rest easy in their illusions. I don't attack their beliefs; that would be wrong. But I won't live my life any differently than I want to. That would be wrong too.

I am so very tired today. Right now I am sitting in Uris Library (Cornell University) waiting for my chem lab to start in half an hour, so I'm quite bored.
So, I have been back for a week now and the first week of classes have gone by. I would say it was a good week overall. I've started working hard on my classes, and I really just enjoy being up here. Ah, to be a freshman in college!

Last night I went to a party at Kappa Delta Rho (or KDR) a frat that I'm getting to know very well. I didn't drink but I played fuse ball into the night! Me and my friend, one of the brothers there made a most excellent team, with me as the defense. I think we went up against 6 different teams and won them all. Of course, I was completely sober and my teammate wasn't all that gone, so the fact that those who wanted to play were pretty much out of it probally helped our chances. Either way, it was fun as anything.

I was thinking how much fun it would be if we got an E2tournament of fuse ball going. That wouln't be too feasible, I guess.

Well, it's time for that chem lab. I really don't like chemistry, but as a bio major I have to take intro, orgo, an bio chem, as a total of 7 semesters worth in my 8 semester career here (orgo lab is a separate course although I'll take it with one of the lectures). I thought I had failed last years chemistry, luckily I didn't and I did relatively well (well, relative to an F, I guess). So we'll see for this semester. I'm also still taking bio, an a writing seminar. I am also taking intro to sociology 101, which should be a good (and easy) course.

<achan> wait
<achan> we can't have 2 conforms in here
<achan> that is not right
<KidTamago> why not? i think it'd make sense if everyone were named 'conform'
(msg KidTamago) ROFL
<achan> that is 5 kinds of wrong. i counted.

(msg KidTamago) i don't believe that achan and pyro of all people are buying this
(KidTamago) um. are you serious? i thought achan was just playing around.
(msg KidTamago) i think he really thinks i am a different person than e2 conform
(msg KidTamago) maybe i am misreading it
(KidTamago) ahahahha. no, let's toy with him more.

<KidTamago> so how'd you find this chan, then, "conform."
<KidTamago> if that is your real name.
<conform> the other conform only came in here a couple times
- guinea-pig wonders where he's heard of whack.org before
<conform> i knew akasha from other channels
<conform> i followed her here one day
<guinea-pig> ah, that's where :P
<guinea-pig> you're stalking her
<conform> no way dude, i got her that account
<conform> whack.org is my friend bruno's box
<conform> bruno is the creator of virtualcrack.com
<KidTamago> so, do you *know* the other conform?
<KidTamago> hey, i remember that site.

<achan> it is worth nothing that this conform and the e2 conform claim to have the same names first and last
(KidTamago) uh oh. he's onto you.
<achan> noting
<achan> ha
<cobie> more the second than the first
<KidTamago> weird fucking coincidence.
<achan> it is worth nothing too
<conform> that is a DAMN FOOL LIE
<cobie> but only on alternate tuesdays
(KidTamago) nice save.
(KidTamago) i'm sure he suspects nothing now.

<achan> i cite emar as evidence
<flamingweasel> okay, so this conform is the same conform we talk to all the time here.
<flamingweasel> or is it?
<conform> well see i asked jp to put me in emar so people would send me postcards
<conform> i guess she didn't realize i'm not the e2 conform
<KidTamago> it would seem. he keeps making all these blatant dick jokes.

<cobie> so what are you on e2 then?
<KidTamago> your mom.
<conform> i'm not really on e2
<cobie> and why is 'conform' such a popular name?
<conform> i read it but i don't hve a login
<cobie> ah, alright

(msg KidTamago) hey, i really did save it there
(KidTamago) i know. i'm a little frightened and disturbed at your newfound power.
(msg KidTamago)] i am the KING OF LIES

- Unless has joined #everything
<pyrogenic> BOBBY?!
<Unless> good evening
<cobie> i wonder what sort of sentences you can make out of noder/IRC names alone
<KidTamago> "conform unless pyrogenic."

(KidTamago) oh, you're a right cunt. i gotcher back.
(xdjio) fw and achan and going nuts

"Life sucks." Lila said, correctly assessing the general situation of my life. Seeing other people depressed makes me depressed and depression is depressing.

I can't bring myself to do work for some reason. I feel much more like just randomly writing, or rather typing nonsense. Here is what I typed in just the past five minutes:

Ego sum asinus. (I am a donkey, in latin). Sometimes life gets you down but sometimes you get life down and once a man said that nobody is a source of dullness but that man himself and today someone said to me, "Thats strike two" and this man is someone who I count as a friend but I cannot count him as a friend because I cannot count anyone as a friend because friendship is something I am always worried does not exist and I am then worried that I will one day say Hello my friend and someone will say back to me "I am not your friend." I collide with people quite often in the hallway and it frustrates me to no great end and sometimes I go insane trying to get where i'm going because all these people are in my way which is usually the case in more things than just getting down the hall. It's LIFE my friend. Yes life sometimes gets you down, and sometimes its you who gets life down, although I don't really know what I mean but that except life sucks without saying the old cliche of "Life sucks then you die." or "life's a bitch" and one day I would like to learn english because people tell me I don't really know it even though I speak the language and ben was saying that I could probably get a 4 on the ap english exam if it was like the ap spanish exam which is pretty bad since I speak english and don't really know when I should use one word or another and sometimes he randomly corrects me when I am speaking and I am not sure weather to thank him since I wish to know english or to complain that he is complaining since I am, in fact, speaking english.

Wasn't that nice and lovely? Sometimes you're just down, and you have to find a way to get back up again, or so i've found. Some people come face to face with themselves every day and don't like what they see, and sometimes I think i'm one of those people.

No car, no girlfriend, no diploma, no job. The complete catastrophe. Sometimes I would like to call someone on the phone and go over to her house or maybe she would come over to mine and I would be able to hold her and she would be able to hold me and I would be able to live for living and love but unfortunately, she does not exist as of yet. I don't even have god, the wonderful legacy of being the child of a Unitarian/Quaker. Such is life. Maybe I should get over it and adopt the old latin, 'Flocci non facio' (I don't give a hoot)

I apologised to my economics teacher today but I don't think she thought I ment it. But of course, necesse est. Which is wrong. It /was/ necessary, it isn't necessary anymore, it being accomplished. Damn this latin.

flocci non facio.

And sometimes we just need a friend or so they say but I have not heard them since they were at music midtown.

Wow. I am the luckiest guy in the world. It’s been a long time since I’ve daylogged, so I’ll fill you in real quick. Over the past few months, Allie and I have been slowly growing closer together, and we are now officially dating.

Anyways, tonight I was at her house, and we were watching some movie. She was sitting on the couch, and I was lying down, with my head in her lap, and she leaned down and our lips touched. What followed was the most amazingkiss that I had ever experienced. It wasn’t the juiciest, or the most passionate, but during the kiss I found myself thinking about how much I loved Allie, not about the kiss itself.

I introduced her to the dark human and left them to their battle with a relaxed heart. The message came later from the dark human that the beast had been tamed. Fate rewarded the two. Both the dark human and the Korean fairy received the Chant of Courage - a spell that enabled even the most temporarily fearful of cowards to put life and Windows in perspective and laugh dismissively at the blue screen of death - it was better than haiku!

The dark human became more than a courage chanter however. He had been activated. He channeled Michael Jordan and learned to fly. He brought hope and calm to the deepest pits and highest peaks. All those around him were awed with respect.