Category Archives: Project 365 (2010)

Last night in the moments between wake and sleep, the following question floated through my mind: “When were you last happy? Not content. Happy.”

Before I continue writing I feel pressed to say that I do not believe happiness or its pursuit is central to life, nor do I believe that joy and happiness are the same thing. Happiness is transient, while joy is a state of being. But there are those rare times when joy and happiness collide. And those moments are breathtaking in their ability to distill and display the beauty and simplicity of it all.

Now back to the question . . .

In my case that was not the most sleep-inducing thought. I flipped through the rolodex of images and memories collected over the last several years. There are countless moments filled with laughter, wonderment, excitement, and contented sighs brought on by the generosity and blessings of the day. But no moment stood out as being one defined by a sense of happiness.

Then two friends’ statements (one of which began with, “I have never seen you as happy as you were . . .”) crept into my thoughts. With each flick of the mental rolodex their statements resounded louder and louder and no image or memory seemed to measure up to the happiness I felt during the time referenced by their comments. I wondered if their statements were true (maybe that was the happiest I have ever been) or if I had allowed that time to become a behemoth whose shadow has blacked out other happy moments that have since transpired.

Which ever it may be, or perhaps the truth is a mixture of the two, I remain hopefilled that joy and happiness will collide again soon. And when they do, may I have my eyes and heart open wide enough to see, know and embrace it.

I was inspired by Erin Loechner’s list of “2011 Non-Goals”, in which she listed the things she loves about herself and life and does not want to alter in the coming year(s). Here are the moments, habits and choices I want to stay the same:

Embracing hope with a deep faith + refusing to settle. You am more than you seem and more than how others’ see you/your situations.

Be present. Right here. Right now.

Keep drinking that water, putting mileage on those soles, and doing those push-ups. You can do it!

Sensing wonder and recognizing beauty in the smallest and most forgotten of places. Keep your eyes wide open.

Asking for help. Remember, doing so is not a sign of weakness.

Journaling about your gratitudes. Each moment, each interaction, each sigh is a chance to receive grace; choose to live in its abundance.

Flossing. You averaged 5:7 nights/week . . . keep up the good work.

Dreaming, wrestling with your faith, and writing. Never stop. Please never stop.

Goodbye 2010. Thank you for the moments that stung, that brought laughter to my lips and others that brought tears to my eyes. At times your challenges felt as though they would destroy me, but in your fading light I stand and know my worth.

12.31.2010 – The Possibilities New Planners Hold* — I love all the blank dates and pages that I get to fill-up with birthdays/holidays/weddings, events and simple dates for drinks and coffee that will overflow with poignant conversations and produce cherished memories, trips to see beloved friends . . . oh the possibilities!

Almond toast is a hybrid between a shortbread cookie and a biscotti. My brothers and I would get this sweet treat as part of our breakfasts when visiting my Swedish grandparents. I make almond toast every Christmas now that my ninety-two-year-old grandma is no longer physically able to do so. Like most Swedish baked items, almond toast is buttery with a subtle almond flavor. My family enjoys them with their morning and evening coffees. Njut!

Ingredients:

1 cup butter (softened)

1 cup sugar

1 cup sour cream

2 eggs

1 tsp. pure almond extract

4 cups flour

¼ tsp. salt

½ tsp. baking soda

½ tsp. baking powder

¾ cup finely chopped (roasted) almonds

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350° F.

Mix together butter, sugar, sour cream, eggs, and almond extract.

In a separate bowl mix together flour, salt, baking soda and baking powder.

Add (¾-1 cup at a time) the flour mixture to the butter mixture, and mix well.

Add almonds to batter.

Transfer batter to a greased pan (I use a glass 9″x13″ baking dish and a glass bread pan)

Bake for 45 minutes.

Cut into strips, remove from pans, and place strips on a cookie sheet.

Return to oven (250° F) to dry and lightly brown for 45 mins-2 hours (I like them on the more toasted side, so I dry for 1.5-2 hours).

As the year and Project 365 comes to a close I have been thinking of what to do next. A new “project” mayhaps. I want to move away from digital and back to film, but developing film is so stinkin’ pricey — what a little consistent employment wouldn’t solve.

Today while searching through the contents of the numerous banker boxes that contain my life, I found several things of interest: (1) a frame carefully packed in a box three years ago containing what then was deemed the sweetest of moments and “home”; (2) my grandpa’s Argus C-3(!!!), which I thought I had lost during one of several moves; and (3) poems written in the shade of a fragile time when I was working overseas after my first year of law school.

In regards to (1), it is strange to unpack something I once held so dear but which no longer has any emotional meaning. An empty frame was repacked with hopes a snapshot of joy will soon fill it.

As for (3):Love Regardless of Circumstance No. 2
five thousand miles gone
Home
lost in unhappiness
tears shatter dead phone lines.

Everyone Loves a Hummingbird
these wings,
stolen
from the unsuspecting hummingbirds,
collapse under heavy hearts.
falling,
with
no
where
to
l a n d