Thursday, February 19, 2015

Tomorrow will mark one year since you joined us and I can't believe it. I now know what they mean by this being the longest shortest time of your life. I read a message board thread on babycenter the other day where all the mommas of February babies are reflecting on their first years with an essay that's structured like this:

- My worst times

- my best times

- & what I hope I'll never forget.

So I thought I'd give it a shot.

My worst times:

Around week seven, while I was still home alone with you on maternity leave, you went through a bout of crying incessantly during the days. I tried everything I knew and nothing would stop you. I had no idea what to do to make it better for you and I felt like a total failure. For a while I thought for sure that you hated me.

This was also around the time we had to have a procedure done to your little mouth so that you could nurse properly. That fifteen minutes while the doctors worked on you were the longest in my life. Your daddy and I sat in another room and I cried the entire time while you cried. But I'm so glad we did it for you, because you're doing great today.

Also, for a short while right after I went back to work we had a nanny who wasn't very nice to you. She was not very loving and I know that you sensed it. Those weeks were awful and stressful. I remember how forlorn you looked when I picked you up after work each day because you had hardly slept. Working with, and firing that nanny was awful.

Conversely, some of the best times for me were:

When Silvia came to take care of you right after that. She was like a night and day difference from the first lady. Even though you rarely left the house, you and Silvia had a ton of fun together and every day was a party. We were all so much happier and relieved and well rested. And then Mayra came and we felt just as good. Mayra is like an angel put on earth to take care of babies. We are so happy to have her. I feel great that you're with her every day.

Some of my other best moments:

Looking at you in the hospital in those first days and knowing that you were perfectly healthy and robust. I was so relieved to know that you were off to a great start.

When we first discovered that we can make you have a deep belly laugh by tickling you or surprising you.

When we took you for your first swim in a hotel pool and you loved it and you kicked your little flippers just like you were a natural swimmer.

I was so happy to hear you say "dada" for the first time. You had already said mama but I knew that your dad deserved this so much, because he's been amazing with you and the two of you are so great together. It made him so happy when you said it so clearly and matter of fact-ly.

It also felt great to me when, at almost 11 months, I took you to the doctor on my own (usually daddy is with us). The two of us sat together side by side on the bench in the waiting room and watched Monsters Inc, and you played with the strap of my wallet and watched the tv and other people in the waiting room, just as if we were two buddies. It felt to me like the first of many times I will be out and about with my little friend as a big boy, rather than an infant. And I think of all the times I'll get to hang out and do things with you in the years ahead. And how they might seem like nothing but they really are pretty great little moments.

What I hope I never forget:

I hope I never forget the feeling when you hold my hand by wrapping all five of your soft little fingers around my one index finger. When you do this when I get home from a long day of work and being away from you, I can feel happiness flooding my core and recharging me.

I never want to forget how angelic and perfect you look when you sleep, with your rosy little cheeks and dark eyelashes, despite your sweaty little head in the crook of my arm.

Or the sounds you make when you screech or squeal with delight because something excites you.

Or the way, when you do something that you're proud of, you look around for me with a big smile to make sure I'm seeing it too. That's really cute.

I never want to forget the way it feels to be able to pick you up and hold your whole little body against me when we hug or when we dance, or when you need comforting. As you grow I will always wish to be able to wrap myself around you entirely to keep you warm or safe, or just to absorb your sweetness.

I never want to forget the way you made our lives so much more full when you arrived. I don't think I will.