I want you to know

I want
you who may become unravelled
by your children’s addictions,
to look at me,
and say
“She survived, and so will I.”

I want you to know
there is life after that day
— that frozen moment —
when you become a drooling ball of pain,
falling to the floor,
whimpering half-finished prayers
to a deity you’re not sure you believe in.

I want you to know,
as your limbs become numb,
as your heart screams,
even as you beg
for relief from
the
searing
agony
— I want you to know —
though it may claw you over and over,
sweep you into a tornado of terror
— I want you to know, and to remember —
you can rise from it every time,
and you can smile,
even laugh again.

I want you to know
that your life is precious,
and I pray that you’ll gain solace
from this knowledge;
you are not alone.

My weekend meltdown helped me. A few weeks ago I scrapped Pregabelin – the medication I was taking – it wasn’t helping. After my meltdown I was offered valium, but I refused it. I accepted four sleeping tablets to get me though the weekend. Ater four nights I still have two left, even though I can’t sleep without them. I got weepy and shaky whenever I left Sarah’s house, so yesterday my doc put me on a low dose of beta blockers even though my BP is slightly low. They’re used for anxiety these days! They worked instantly. I’m to take them when needed – 40mg up to 3 times a day. I feel much better. My neighbours have been supportive, and that’s helped. It turns out that Yasmin’s fed me lies about them since I moved in. I’m so gullible sometimes.

She sounds so toxic!! Good that you’re on something that is working for you finally. Valium is so addictive and your system gets used to it so you need increasingly stronger doses. Mum was on it for decades as they thought she had had a hysterical conversion reaction when she had in fact had a massive stroke. It was to be many years later before she had an accurate diagnosis. She went off them cold turkey, God knows how she managed to do that !

That’s a shocking story, but she must have been a strong woman!
I won’t touch valium, it’s effects are unpredictable, I’ve seen to much of the effects of it sold on the street, and, as you say, it’s addictive – although the doc was only talking about a short course to take me through the crisis – which Sarah carried me through admirably. I came home tonight, and I’m fine now.

Mum was an interesting mix. Her first and biggest stroke was at age 40. Successive mini ones that led to multi-infarct dementia. But she lived to her mid 80’s at home till the final episode when she lost consciousness and never recovered. She was gentle, very caring and loving – and ruthless vicious at times, usually when she was physically unwell. Urinary tract infections, which plagued her, would land her in hospital. And that is also when her mental state deteriorated markedly.

Blog Stats

So… this is me

Welcome to my blog. Here I record my thoughts and inspiration, mostly translated into poetry of one sort or another - provided I consider them publishable. You'll learn that I keep few secrets; I'm hot on honesty and openness. Like most people, I'm prone to many moods, and all of them are represented on these pages. Sometimes you'll find me happy, while at other times I may be sad. I may be funny or dark, proud or shameful, kind or cruel, nostalgic, frivolous, reflective, angry or just plain silly - whatever I feel is revealed in my posts.

Post dates

This work by Jane Basil, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Use and/or duplication of this material is prohibited, unless full and clear credit to “Jane Basil” with links to the original content, are attached.