in my greek class yesterday we covered the word that means 'hate' especially in the part of scripture where jesus is talking about what used to be said about loving your neighbor and hating your enemy...

help

i have my own red phone now.karen, one of my favorite people, stumbled across a bright red phone and she thought of me.if you remember...i posted a little while ago after visiting NASA and seeing their bright red phone.i wanted my own...

in fact, this is what i said,

'as i listened on the tour and heard about the 'red phone' that's shown above... i began to wonder where i could get one.

i've been in a couple places lately that i think i'd like to have the choice to dial out...get a little advice...or pass things on to someone holding a much higher rank.yes, i'd like one red phone please.'

and now i have one.

ken entered us into a conversation on sunday about thankfulness, appreciation, and gratitude.

he asked some pretty challenging questions.

for me, it's not usually that hard to say thanks to people.

i think that, as i mentioned on sunday, that sometimes it's hard for me to see the sacrifice that others have made for me.

i wonder...is it because of my own immaturity and lack of sight, or is it others unwillingness to be open with me and let me see their sacrifice?

it was hard for me to take the red phone because it's a gift.

someone was thinking about me...and sometimes i wonder why i should be so special.

it's also hard because i have finally been offered the reality i wanted: a way to call for help.

ryan and i have been having some hard conversations lately about help and why it's so hard to allow others in.

there are some that have made themselves readily available...

and yet i lie, and tell them that i'll call them if i need them.

like lita said on sunday, 'i would rather drown in the ocean than have someone save me.'

i'm also left wondering why it is so hard to accept others thankfulness.

i feel sheepish and silly for a good deed done.

i'd rather just do it and run away...and never have them say thanks.

why?

i'm thinking that perhaps by them saying thank you, i'm admitting some vulnerability.

me accepting their thankfulness says that i needed to be thanked, or even more...wanted to be thanked.

and maybe it's just that when we truly admit thankfulness or accept it...we're becoming intimate.

we're having feelings, and who likes feelings?

it's hard to soak it in and be content just knowing that we are worthy to be treated and to be thanked.

i'm so thankful for karen and her red phone,

and yet part of me wants to leave it in a dark corner in my room and pretend it's not there.

it's presence is reminding me that i need to reach out to others...especially those who can really help me.

there are people in my life that are going through some hard things right now...and i'd hate to bother them with my own life's junk (which in comparison seems almost silly).

ryan is constantly reminding me that those people care about me...and want to help me.

but i don't want to admit help.

i don't want to show the chink in my armor.

i don't want to become vulnerable.

i don't want to become intimate.

i don't want to say thanks.

i don't want to be disappointed when others act as normal humans and fail...and feel...

and

i'm a control freak.

i'd like to believe that i can figure all this out on my own,

but yet i readily admit with my mouth that i can't.

do i believe that i want help, or need it?

i'm not sure.

i'm thinking not...seeing as how that red phone is so intimidating.

so it's hard...

this is hard,

life...is hard.

but i've heard it can be better.

there are people i want to say 'thanks' to...and so hopefully i'll spend some time this week doing that.

there are people that i should probably let know i've made a sacrifice for...

maybe i haven't been honest about the effort and work i've spent for them...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

validated

Germans and Gender

attached is a video of my friends from way back in the spring when some of my own church community went and met with some other church communities in europe.looking back now, i wish so badly that i had gone.i finally got to meet a lot of them in these past two weeks, and now...looking at this video...i miss them terribly.there are a few new faces in addition to the ones on the train...the rest of the germans...andrew jones' wife debbie...brad from cali...and mark berry from england.the last of them, mark, left tonight and i'm kind of feeling...empty.i only got to spend a fraction of the time with all of these people since i'm still in school and finals are next week, but what i did get to spend was so fulfilling.there were moments where language, cultural background, unmet expectations, and exhaustion all got in the way of good dialogue, but despite that...i now have more friends.

i hope the value me as much regardless of all this as well.i think i was most touched my mark's parting words...he affirmed us.his words felt like a massage.to a community that's been knocked around a bit lately...we needed to hear his words.he was willing to come and see...see what we really are.he was willing to take a risk by coming to check out this small, seemingly insignificant group of folks in tomball, texas.(yes, i find that to be a huge risk)we haven't felt special lately. not that feeling special is necessary, but at times...it feels nice.because when you type in 'wellspring' you don't find us right away.we're one of many that hold that name.when you type in my name...you find this blog, but nothing more.when you type in ken's name you find that controversial article that started all this,but on the most part...we are unknown, and i have a feeling that there are more of us out there.not needing to feel validated, but desiring it so much sometimes.i wish i knew where they were, and what they were about.not in the 'hi, how are you...you're just like me' way that the germans dislike (and perhaps rightfully so) about us americans.i really want to know. i want to massage some life back into their aching bones.i want to heal the ribs...that perhaps like ours...have been breaking under the blows.feeling misunderstood is hard...and i think it's easy to grow cynical...as if no one around can ever really understand what it's like to be me, or us.i don't want to become so hurt, and so isolated that when people like mark try to affirm me...i shy away, not wanting to believe the kind words.i want to soak it in, and believe it, and trust it.

this week has been a good week.personally, it has been a roller coaster...but good nonetheless.i feel inspired.wheels have been put into motion for whatever it is we wanted to birth in all this.i'm still not sure what to call it, or what will come of it, but people i trust have made commitments to see it through...i'm thrilled about it.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

safe space

and so...today my brand new family ventured off into space...

NASA to be exact.

now, i've been to NASA about 5 times-mostly through the YMCA teen program i worked with, and so i kept wondering to myself why i should skip my greek class (right before finals), buuut karen campbell has a way of helping me put things into perspective.

...when in the world would i get the chance to hang out with these germans, brits, australians, californians, clear lakers...

so we went.

at breakfast, i got to sit with some of the neatest people at NASA.

'the astronaut of astronauts' was with us...and it was not only educational, but exciting to hear that most of the visitors from NASA were interested in the emergent church.

my dear, new friend mark led us through an amazing meditation before we headed out into the abyss...and it got me thinking...

perhaps this really is uncharted territory we're crossing into.

perhaps this new church thing IS as risky as they're telling me.

perhaps someone was brilliant in taking us to NASA, because honestly i couldn't see how in the world it was going to connect any of the dots for me.

but it did...immensely.

as listened on the tour and heard about the 'red phone' that's shown above... i began to wonder where i could get one. i've been in a couple places lately that i think i'd like to have the choice to dial out...get a little advice...or pass things on to someone holding a much higher rank.

yes, i'd like one red phone please.

and while i sat watching the short film on the new international space station...

i started to listen...

analogies began to flood me.

so many people, perspectives, languages, tools are all coming together in space.

they're binding themselves, making huge commitments, and learning to speak to each other.

i hope that this new church thing we're doing continues to learn how to speak, to accept, and to try.

i watched the astronauts crawling around on the outside of the space shuttles.

the film showed us just how dangerous it is...and i actually felt my stomach lurch.

i was frightened...as if i was on a roller coaster or was free-falling from a plane.

i felt queasy.

later, while walking around one of the actual rockets, larry j and i spoke of the significance of feeling small. i told him that i want to go to the grand canyon one day in order to feel small again. being a 22 year old woman in america...i'm almost bred to not feel humble.

i would like to feel small, and as if the world does not revolve around me.

larry mentioned the sequoia trees near him in cali...

and although that kind of serenity would be completely welcome in my life right now...

i cannot seem to get away from places like the grand canyon or space.

i want to feel small in those places.

and why...well, i think it's because of that lurch in my stomach.

it's risky...it's something few people have done...

and it makes me nervous.

the sequoias, though beautiful, serene, and magnificent are not a threat.

the thought of falling deep into the grand canyon

or slipping off into space

make me uncomfortable...

and i like it.

"failure IS NOT an option" we kept hearing repeated.

unlike apollo...i think failure is an option for us.

although i'd like to avoid it...there is still a chance.

this...'thing' that's been created this week by my new friends could possibly fail.

ken...or me...or wellspring can and probably will fail at times.

the chance to fail is risky...something no one wants to do...

and it makes me nervous.

and i like that too.

the film today said, 'there are a few things that can be done in space that simply cannot be done on earth...'

i think there are a few things in the 'emergent' church that simply can't, aren't, or won't be done in other places of church.

we are not elite...we don't have it figure out...we want to feel humble and small...

but despite all this, i am excited. i am proud. i am nervous.

i think of my friend mark...and his 'safe space'.

to me, that feels warm and welcoming,

but also a paradox at the moment.

space is not safe...not all the time...especially when you're out there on the edge.

but there is trust...and community...and in the event of failure, unlike the unforgiving nature of the galaxy...we have second chances. those that help us begin again.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

just like him...

His father was a drinkerAnd his mother cried in bedFolding John Wayne's T-shirtsWhen the swingset hit his headThe neighbors they adored himFor his humor and his conversationLook underneath the house thereFind the few living thingsRotting fast in their sleep of the deadTwenty-seven people, even moreThey were boys with their cars, summer jobsOh my God

Are you one of them?

He dressed up like a clown for themWith his face paint white and redAnd on his best behaviorIn a dark room on the bed he kissed them allHe'd kill ten thousand peopleWith a sleight of his handRunning far, running fast to the deadHe took of all their clothes for themHe put a cloth on their lipsQuiet hands, quiet kissOn the mouth

And in my best behaviorI am really just like himLook beneath the floorboardsFor the secrets I have hid

Thursday, November 02, 2006

a place

last night as i sat around in the shuman's living room with our new friends (i'll blog about that later) we played what i'll call 'the question game'.

we went around the room asking some serious and some silly questions...

'if you could change one thing about your life what would it be?'

'if you could be any animal what would it be and why?'

and lastly, 'what is your favorite space...?'

we went around the room and let everyone share.

the other julie and i actually snuck out without really having to tell anyone our favorite place...but i want to.

mine is...the couch.

i know, it sounds funny, but let me explain.

there are several couches i like.

the first one, is my parent's couch.

i came home last night around 10 and they were sitting there together.

what started out as small talk about my day and how ryan and i are doing... turned into a 2 hour conversation about faith, belief, God, prayer, doubt, love, fears, marriage, relationships, and the church.

sometimes we get heated and upset, but it's getting so much better.

i am so glad that i have parents that let me come, and sit, and share.

i'm lucky to have them.

another couch i really like is any couch that ryan's on with me.

i know...you're thinking, 'gross....feelings' but i'm learning lately that feelings are okay.

and i'm being totally serious.

there was a good span of time there that i didn't think i was going to find...someone.

there's a lot that was expected of that 'someone' and i'll just leave it at...he fits.

and there's nothing more wonderful than cuddling.

and the last couch i think of is the one in ken's office.

it's been a year now that i've been with wellspring...that's amazing.

i remember being so timid and shy when i first sat on the couch last october, and now it's almost like...home.

i've treated it like a therapist's office and stretched out, hoping clarity would come.

it's been good space for me.

when i look at it, i see so many things.

so many things learned, so many things expressed, so much time and i don't know that anything can compare to it.

i like being there.

and i'm so thankful that it's not just a couch in that office...because eventually that couch and that office will disappear. i won't need either of them, but i have a friend and a fellow seeker, and mentor that will have the same memories, and that's really where i like to be.