Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

I’m glad the Dead’s gone, because if they existed today and there were chat rooms and forums and real-time bitching and whining surrounding the band like a chili fart in a sleeping bag, I would be a fan of some other group. (Of course, every group–and every hobby, in fact–has this problem now.)

You may remember, Enthusiasts, that The Phishes made several of their shows available for a reasonable price on the innertubes last week; you may also remember that I watched the pirated feed like a filthy criminal. Both shows were entertaining, and they played some songs I knew: I had a lovely time and plan on stealing several more of their performances this summer. At one point–and this is true–I was upright and dancing. Now, I did not rise from my seat specifically to dance–I was wandering around in my kitchen trying to remember how to make coffee–but the music did indeed induce a boogie.

Apparently, though, those shows were the musical equivalent of Seastones + Metal Machine Music + the Holocaust. Phish, I learned, had let the side down in a way not seen since Custer, if Custer had been urinating on an American flag while being killed by Indians. The overwhelming opinion was that it would have been better if Phish had not played at all. (I won’t go so far as to say that only thing that would make a Phish Person happier than tour dates being announced is tour dates being cancelled, but that would be exaggeration: if the band didn’t play, then there would be nothing to complain about.)

There are many forums and places to discuss The Phishes, and I will not lie: some of them are downright vicious. (Although any un-moderated, anonymous internet community becomes a hellhole within minutes.) This is a list of recent threads on one forum:

Phuck Phish.

Do you think they’re playing poorly on purpose?

I hate Trey so much.

SHILLARY4PRISON

Remember how good Phish used to be?

DAE feel like this tour is murdering their families in front of them?

Petition to infect Page with Zika.

Which band member is the worst?

String Cheese Incident is so much better than Phish that Phish should kill themselves.