Category: cycles

My last post was on 16 May. 3 Months ago! What a 3 months it has been. Nothing short of small. I don’t know about you, but from what I’ve heard from the collective – it has been a cathartic time. Everyone has been experiencing great change in their own way.

Me. Mine has been very internal. If you’ve seen me, I might look calm, composed, or maybe even a bit quiet/reserved. But internally it’s looked like The Tower card from the a Tarot Card deck.

I’ve mostly been journaling my thoughts, keeping them to myself, which has helped me shift what is circling internally, moving it outwards. Always important. Wim Hof breathing has been a consistent, and being a Hermit has felt oh-so-right.

As mentioned in my previous post, I went through a death. So my understanding is that through this Winter period, that phase continued. When you think about Winter – what thoughts do you conjure? I think of Bears hybinating. Taking time out to sleep, rest, restore. Call me a Bear.

It’s only with this newness of Spring energy that I am beginning to take steps out of my cave. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. A little tentative and new on foot. Feeling slightly awkward and uncomfortable in social settings. 1 step back.

Old ways have been shed. Ways that I knew myself to be for so long. I don’t quite know what to expect now. I’ve been visioning for the past month – feeling into what I wish to create. Law of Attraction states this will be so. Feeling my inner landscape and living aligned to my self, not getting swept up in my physical reality as that is just passing through as change is shed.

I’ve been rewiring thoughts, choosing me more and more. In moments where I would send love to someone, I am choosing to redirect it to me first. I’ve been a needy bugger. Often looking for love external of myself, we all do don’t we? I’ve found this new. I want to give so much in order to be loved in return, but this pattern seems to have pushed people away.

So I’m in the midst of this change. Choosing me irrespective of the other. Becoming more self sufficient. Becoming so attractive in my own love, that love from another wouldn’t even matter. Of course welcome, but irrelevant. You know what? It feels yummy! It’s not conditional, it is constant. Always available. There is great peace here.

I am learning to walk again, holding this valuable gift, vulnerable to the old ways wanting to trick me back. This is why I’ve been absent on Facebook. I’ve wrapped myself up gently, and am holding myself sacred. Emerging out slowly, to experience and integrate only when I want.

I have some big visions brewing. They require great change. I’ve been preparing myself, shedding old ways to make way for these new vibrations. It is so tremendously exciting… I’m on the right track, I know it. Such a welcome relief.

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;

Externally it may not have looked like it. But internally, a lot was moving.

Before I left I wasn’t feeling excited about it. In fact, I could’ve easily not gone. But that wasn’t an option, there were things to do and people to see, I was going.

I wrote a Facebook post here, as I was waiting at Queenstown Airport. Sharing my thoughts about how I feel Airports create a definitive ending and beginning. Well this trip didn’t disappoint.

I had an amazing time in Sydney. I hired a Van, kitted out with everything. They even upgraded me, so to my surprise I had a gas cook top, all the cookware, a kitchen sink with running water and even a fridge! The bench seats expanded out into a huge bed, and there were curtains around the whole van, which created such privacy – I felt safe and contained wherever I went.

It was such a convenience having this van. It enabled me to go where I wanted and sleep there also – I highly recommend it as a form of travel. Check out hippie campers should it call you.

I found myself in South Curl Curl for a number of nights. It was where a number of my friends were close to, and it was next to my old local hood. It made sense and it felt comfortable for me to be back there, not to mention the beach was nearby.

Even so, being back on familiar land, upon going to sleep, I still need to introduce myself to the land, the native or local spirits and let them know I was there for a night or two. I don’t know you about you, but when I sleep somewhere new, I am often greeted by the curiosity of local energies – poking and proding me to test who I am and what business I have being on their land.

My trip continues, a dear friends wedding, a trip to the Blue Mountains to deal with stuff I left behind, visits to more dear friends, ocean swimming, coastal walks, catching up on life and times that seem to past in the blink of an eye. I was enjoying myself, but could feel a discomfort and sadness making herself known.

Fast forward, when I returned back to New Zealand. That deep sadness had crept in. From the moment I landed at Queenstown Airport, I could feel my tears behind my eyes. I was feeling very on my own. No messages to greet me home. A billion questions from customs. 7 degrees. No one to pick me up. No bus for the next half hour. No biggie usually, but everything was triggering my sadness. I sat at the cold bus stop and cried.

For the rest of that evening and the next day, oddly – it felt like none of my friends were available. Everyone was busy, everyone doing life in their own way. I felt alone, unsupported and very very emotional.

What I came to understand, is that whilst in Sydney. I tapped back into that old Heidi. The old version of myself that lived and existed in there. The single gal, independent, the can do anything attitude, the one who lived her days in her own world doing her own thing. Between this time in Sydney – until these days in QT – I’ve grown into a new version of myself. I’d like to think, one with a lot more meaning, depth and compassion.

My sadness was a shedding of this old self. Like a snake would shed its skin (funny now I am remembering my snake dreams before leaving NZ). I was experiencing the old me, from the current me’s perspective. She was a smaller version of myself. Feeling so alone, disconnected and small in comparison.

I continued to sit in the discomfort of what I was feeling, and uncomfortable it was. There have been no shortage of tears these past days. In fact I had such a powerful crying session the other day, it required a nap afterwards.

I’ve been feeling discomfort in social situations, discomfort with my own presence. An energy in my body that I couldn’t shift or shake no matter my acknowledgement. This needed a natural evolution of release that takes it’s time as per nature’s way.

Yesterday, Tuesday, Angelo and I went for a hike up Wye Creek – a particularly powerful area. Filled with spirit and life. The depth here palpable and undeniable.

We ventured to our own areas near the waterfall, with the intention of doing some Wim Hof breathing and cold immersion. I wasn’t brave enough for the cold immersion – but I dove into my breathing. I burped, spat, yawned, shook and purged so much energy my mind couldn’t fathom what was happening. All I know is, I was releasing and shedding what I no longer needed.

When I go through these seemingly crazy releases, I often think of a few things. How our bodies are innately wise, how our ego’s have the ability, through conditioning, to shield or block us from connection, how nature is there to be our constant teacher.

In summary – I’ve been through/am completing yet another Death cycle. After reading Women Who Run with Wolves – Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter – my attention is brought to Skeleton Woman: Life/Dealth/Life Nature of Love Cycles. I am so wildly fascinated by her.

In this context within this story, Clarissa writes;

“In order to create this enduring love, one invites a third partner to the union. The third partner is Skeleton Woman. She is also called Lady Death, and as such, she is the Life/Death/Life nature in one of her many guises. In this form, Lady Death is not a disease, but a diety.
In a relationship she has the role of the oracle who knows when it is time for ycesl to begin and end. As such, she is the wildish aspect of the relationship, the one of whom men are most terrified… and sometimes woman also, for when faith in the transformative has been lost, the natural cycles of increase and attrition are feared as well.”

In essence, what I understand is, that in order to experience life and love relationships to their fullest, all parties need to embrace the Death Cycle in their sphere. Without it, life is void of meaning and remains surface level without fulfillment or satisfaction.

It is not an easy or comfortable thing to face death head on. I believe if we did still as a society we wouldn’t have the sickness that we see. People would live more balanced satisfied lives in all facets. Love, Relationships, Health, Work, Sex, Family… but sadly it is a forgotten way or feared way.

A part of me died upon returning home to New Zealand. A part of my psyche, an old way of being that was no longer serving me in the world, in the life I want to create, and so in letting her go, I needed to grieve a loss. I needed to purge her on an emotional, mental & spiritual level.

It is time to reawaken our ways of being, of innate connection with our land and the nature Life/Death/Life nature cycles.

If you’re interesting in exploring this topic more deeply, connect with me;
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