Cool Articles, Bro

Over the years, women have banded together to protest, socialize, and, yes-- (occasionally) cook. They have bonded over persecution and acted as support networks for each other when the legal system neglected to. Men largely ignored these gatherings at first. As women gained more and more power, however, men began to panic. Befuddled, a team of male scientists began observing their now-formidable rivals, searching desperately for the source of women’s newfound power. Was it their purses? Their stilettos? Numerous failed experiments and broken toenails later, both theories were quickly abandoned (though it is rumored that the first theory continues to carry weight with a covert sect, the members of which carry “satchels”). After a particularly trying morning of testing (they had been investigating a recent trend involving small furry dogs and fashionable totes), the researchers decided to break for coffee at their local coffeehouse. Fingers bandaged and spirits low, they sipped their beverages morosely, avoiding eye contact. In was in this moment of shame that one of the fledging scientists noticed a bizarre phenomenon: a flock of girls making its way to the bathroom. Shaking his head, he leaned over to one of his colleagues: “Why do girls always go to the bathroom together?” The other shrugged his shoulders in response. It was then that it hit him: the epiphany that had eluded male scholars for so long. Women didn’t get their power from clothes or curling wands—no, it was strength in numbers that buoyed them up! Elated, he rushed out to spread to word. His ideas were eventually compiled into a theory-- no, law-- of companionship that would shake the foundations of masculinity. Thus, the bro was born. Experimenters were hesitant at first, remembering Cain and Abel’s fate. However, their worries subsided when it was explained to them that though Cain and Abel were brothers, they were not true bros. Minds at rest, the trend began propagating rapidly throughout the male population. As more and more males were deemed bro, they found themselves faced with a pressing issue. What could they call their strictly-hetero affections for one another? Luckily, a solution was in sight: bromance. By combining the word bro with romance, it kept the emotional intensity of “romance” without making it sound “too, uh, you know, sappy ‘n’ stuff.” This was but the first in a line of words known as “bro-isms.” The utter simplicity of the bro allowed it to be lent to a plethora of words, such as “brotastic,” “brolongna,” and “bro-cameral legislature.” References were made throughout all mediums of pop culture. George Clooney and Brad Pitt publicly endorsed the idea, displaying their man crushes for one another frequently. All was chill. Then, in 2007, a video of a University of Florida student crying out “Don’t tase me, bro” at a police officer was widely circulated. Though amusing, it left some perplexed. It seemed dubious that the student was referring to the police officer as a steadfast companion. This led to the startling revelation that bro was not always a term of endearment. At times, it was even used facetiously! This new application of bro was especially apparent in the internet meme “Cool story, bro.” It will come as a shock to many that “Cool story, bro” is rarely used in reference to a chill tale. In fact, it often implies that the story in question isn’t cool at all. It first appeared on the internet accompanying a portrait of Hercules showing the thumbs up sign. However, some trace its beginnings to Zoolander, when Olaf responds to Hansel’s long winded tale of his Mount Vesuvius adventure with “Cool story, Hansel!” Due to the seemingly genuine nature of this reply, the origins remain hotly contested among bros. Bro has also been used to initiate fights between males, a concept seemingly contradictory towards the principles of bro. This usually occurs when one male has offended another, causing the other to say “Come at me, bro!” This can be loosely translated into something along the lines of “Good sir, I object to the claim that my satchel is a purse, and will overpower you in a physical confrontation to prove my point if need be.” The phrase can be traced back to episode six, season one of Jersey Shore, in which Ronnie yells it repeatedly in response to taunts from a pedestrian. A scuffle ensues, though it is in question whether this was due to the use of “Come at me, bro” or the unchill nature of the program it was aired on (it is Jersey Shore, after all). It should be noted that “Come at me, bro” is not always the precursor of physical confrontation; in fact, it is often used to egg on an opponent after a particularly high-scoring word has been played in the online game “Words with Friends.” Appearances of bro in such seemingly unrelated formats show how far into society bro has permeated. As with any widespread trend, it has drawn considerable criticism. Particular issues have been found with “Cool story, bro.” Recipients of the phrase often find it as provoking as “Come at me, bro.” Several instances of abuse have resulted from the usage of this phrase, including (but not limited too) glares, shoes, and chairs being thrown at the speaker. Witnesses of such events often agree that the speaker “had it coming,” especially if said speaker responds to a request to stop with “You mad, bro?” Whether viewed as annoying or entertaining, it can be agreed that bro-ciety is a trend that won’t easily perish, and that sixty years from now, when grandparents struggle to think of a bedtime tale, they’ll have a chill one to tell.And it’ll be a pretty cool story, bro.

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A collection of articles I've written over the past year for my school newspaper. Since they pretty much constitute the body of work I've done this year (#lazyprobs), I figured I would post the ones that didn't specifically pertain to my school.

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