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Primetime Suds

July 29, 2015

Deepest apologies for missing a few episodes of recaps. My Monday schedule has gotten insane.

Let's do this! I hope I keep all the names straight, this show is getting complicated. In all the ways I like. So far.

Adrian is home from the hospital and is highly suspicious of Evelyn's kindness. Evelyn insists she has been kind to him at least a few times before! Evelyn trots in Deon, the boy she adopted, I guess?

Poor Deon.

Carmen is filling the girls in on Jacklyn's surprise smooch. Carmen, because she's Carmen, is pretty convinced Jacklyn is in love with her. Zoila wants a demonstration of the kiss, which Carmen plants on Rosie.

It's not not hot, is all I'll say.

Marisol and Taylor chat about Taylor's marriage, but she shuts down the conversation quickly.

Adrian is skeptical about this adoption, and learns that he's their foster child for now. "Lease to buy," says Evelyn, who then compares Deon to a Lexus. Because she's Evelyn. She then suggests the boy could become the next Barack Obama, which Adrian does not consider a plus.

Genevieve's boyfriend (whose name I forget for now) has been rearranging the kitchen and Zoila is not pleased. He tells her that he's her boss now.

Doctor Boyfriend should learn quickly not to mess with Zoila.

Taylor asks Rosie to help out with babysitting Katy more now that Michael's gone. Just as she's praising Rosie's wonderful parenting skills, since clearly Miguel is a living child saint, Rosie finds his latest reading material:

But according the cover, this issue contains the greatest jokes literally of ALL TIME, you guys! Miguel's a budding comedian, a little jokester, he's just reading it for the humor!

Carmen's in Jacklyn's office when she notices she's just a kisser. She kisses one of her assistants right on the mouth, it just seems to be how she expresses affection and gratitude. Poor Carmen, Jacklyn's not in love with her at all! I kind of live in fear of people who kiss just to even say hello or goodbye, which is far too common in NYC and it stresses me right out. Carmen asks Jacklyn asks her about the kiss and Jacklyn admits she can't stop thinking about it and would like to explore their "connection." Is Carmen going to have an affair with her boyfriend's wife? She really should.

July 21, 2015

Previously on The Fosters: Brandon was a spectacular douche, Stef saw AJ and Callie smooching.

AJ has created a "Super Callie" character, which I suppose is as good a way as any to court a teenage girl. AJ's brother Ty appears.

The actor looks familiar, but I can't quite place him. Ty is under the impression that he and AJ are leaving.

Mariana and Callie buy the car they agreed on last week. Callie's pretty prickly toward Mariana, but it turns out they bought a car for no good reason since they can't drive it without insurance and they haven't told their mothers yet.

Stef and Lena invited Rita over to talk about the big, scandalous AJ/Callie kiss.

Rita says the two of them have to live separately because otherwise this could affect Callie's adoption. Well, breathing can affect Callie's adopt so I don't really see how this is news.

Credits!

Brandon is back at music camp. Shrug.

Mike comes over to tell AJ ....something? That he's getting bumped from the foster home? The show then awkwardly cuts to a family dinner where they announce this to the whole gang. Oh, I see, he's going to go live with Rita for a while. Stef and Lena pretend like it's because they're too busy to do the work involved in their foster license renewal.

Mariana announces that she's going to be godmother to Ana's baby, and also that she's going to be baptized herself. In the Catholic church. Stef gives her a hard no.

Rita basically tells Callie that dating her foster brothers has become an unfortunate habit (by telling her a story about how she ate a whole cake that she didn't even enjoy because of old bad habits). Who doesn't know someone with an unfortunate addiction to dating their foster siblings! Poor AJ thinks this is great news because now he and Callie can date, but she shuts that down but fast.

Mariana wants to know why she can't get baptized, especially because Brandon did. My sound went out, but Stef's lips look like they're saying, "Yes, but that was for my father." Stef and Lena tell Mariana that they don't believe in Heaven or Hell, and Mariana asks, "Do we even believe in God?" It's such an innocent moment that a 15-year-old asks "Do we believe" instead of talking about what she believes because on every end of this she's just trying to please someone else and looking for ways to find her identity. Lena answers, but my sound went out again. I missed the first part but then caught, "And in a higher power that lives within all things, one that inspires us to be kind and compassionate to each other."

And because Stef is Stef, she cannot let that gentle approach lie, so she throws in a, "What we don't believe in is an angry old man up in the sky threatening to send us to Hell if we don't do as he says." For good measure!

Mariana gets that her mothers are big old liberals and that's going to be a problem with the Catholic Church's stance on gay marriage, abortion, and birth control. But she's not planning on converting, she just wants to do this so she can be Isabella's godmother. I'm no expert, but isn't that exactly not how this works?

Brandon and Callie catch up while brushing their teeth the way Brandon and Brenda used to do, and Brandon and Brenda had more palpable sexual tension.

July 07, 2015

The title of the episode is in no way a euphemism for any bedroom acts between Stef and Lena this week, y'all. In fact, things couldn't be worse in that department, but we'll get to that later.

A lot of last night's show felt like fan service, didn't it? As if we hadn't already realized that before they helpfully displayed a #BrallieAdventure hashtag. So let's get this out of the way: Callie scooped Brandon up in the middle of the night and they dashed off to Mexico for some illegal skydiving. Brandon filled her in on what happened back at music camp with Kat, and then dropped this gem:

Brandon: At least i don't have to deal with any crazy dramatic women anymore!

Oh Brando, starting the misogyny so early.

Anyway, I guess it's a good sign that Callie called him her best friend instead of her brother-lover but the whole thing seemed meant to fan the flames. For shippers or whoever these people are who think these siblings should date.

So they almost got arrested, but Brandon paid off the police with his fancy keyboard, which I'm sure will go for a lot on the Mexican black market. Miraculously this works. Also because they are idiots, it didn't occur to them they might need passports to return to the US. After all, they didn't need passports to leave the US! Come on kids, this is just like how it's completely free to go through a tunnel or over a bridge from NYC to New Jersey, but you have to pay an assload to get back in! (I AM KIDDING I LOVE NEW JERSEY IT IS WONDERFUL.)

Callie's going to buy Brandon another keyboard, she insists, which I doubt he'll hold her to. Though he does get an opportunity to return to music camp, so he sure will need one.

Oh wait! Allow me to also share his other gem:

Brandon: You ever feel like the whole world is conspiring against you?

Callie: Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with that concept.

Again, Brando, you basically have the cushiest life on the planet and you have the nerve to say something like that to Callie, whose life is calamity personified. But she pretty brilliantly read him the riot act about how everything bad in his own life is because he makes really dumb-ass choices, so at least we got that. They got busted for their adventure, and Stef pretends that eventually there are actually going to be consequences for their behavior, but we all know that's not true. Nobody on this show ever gets punished, Stef! We're paying attention!

This exchange, however, was a particular delight:

Lena: How'd you get back into the country with no passports?

Callie: We just played dumb.

Stef: Well, that couldn't have been hard.

Meanwhile, in Adult Land, Stef got in trouble with Lena for going ahead and hiring a contractor to fix their leak. Oscar showed up early!

Oops. This led to a series of arguments between the two of them about communication and how Lena really wants them to go to couples counseling. Methinks this is because she'd sure like a mediator there when she 'fesses up to her kiss with Monte. And sure enough, later, when Oscar himself has the contractor's wisdom to know that a married couple separating in the middle of a job means the purse strings situation gets crazy and his paycheck may get put off forever, Stef wised up and realized if the contractor is giving you marriage counseling, it's time to go to a pro.

This also led to Stef coming across an empty pregnancy test box in the piles of garbage the raccoons had attacked.

Stumbling across a trashed pregnancy test is one of the oldest tropes in the televised book, but I have to give them credit here for two twists: it was in the outdoor garbage, rather than just visible to the naked eye at the top of the bathroom wastebasket the way it usually is, so Mariana had the foresight to dispose of the damn thing outside of the house. Also, Stef found the box, not the test itself, so she didn't even know the result of it. Yet.

June 30, 2015

Shall we give another shot at our favorite Atlanta-as-Beverly-Hills posse of maids and maid-adjacent individuals?

Let's do it!

Genevieve gets questioned by a detective about this Louie Becker fellow. Michael is present as her attorney, and Zoila is present because she's Zoila. "It's my first murder investigation!" says Genevieve, like a belle at her first cotillion. She admits to having had an affair with Louie after "passing" on several questions, and finally explained why their affair ended: "We didn't have a lot in common. I'm delightful, and he's a slimy little weasel!"

I do like her so.

Marisol is mortified when Jesse shows up for his maid gig at her house and she's still in her nightgown and has her Biore strips on. (I'm assuming that's what they are?)

They have some flirtation and we learn definitively that Marisol does not appreciate use of the word "panties."

While they help Ernesto move into a new apartment, Spence and Ernesto clash a little over religion, leading to Ernesto finding out Rosie hasn't been taking Miguel to church. Ernesto disapproves and announces he's going to start taking Miguel to church on Sunday mornings, which does not thrill Spence. That's his special park time with Miguel! (Spence, parks are always there. Settle it on down.)

This particularly hairstyle on Rosie keeps making me think that she's shaved one side of her head.

No judgment, of course. I had that 'do for a time myself, but something tells me Rosie doesn't have an adolescent punk rock phase in her past. Rosie doesn't seem like Riot Grrrl material, with all due respect.

What was I talking about? Oh, while I was blathering on, Michael asked Taylor if she remembers anything from the night of the Becker murder that's worth bringing up, and she accidentally forgets how her living room was drenched in blood, like you do.

Carmen is doing some sort of flogging on Adrian Powell. Also like you do.

Genevieve confesses to Zoila that she and Louie made a sex tape, and while she's not ashamed of that in theory, she's uncomfortable because on that tape they tried a sex position called The Blooming Orchid, for which you have to be "quite limber," and which Louie showed his buddies at the club. Lucci gets to say "The Blooming Orchid" more than once and it's a beautiful thing.*

Rosie walks in on Ernesto in a towel and completely loses the ability to speak.

Like you do?

Marisol stops by the Powells to see how Carmen is doing as their new maid. She stumbles upon quite the eye-full.

More flogging! It's only natural! Marisol later reads Carmen the riot act, but I have to say Marisol doesn't sound that shocked about the whole thing. The two then talk about how hot Jesse is, which he overhears since he's cleaning the air vents. Mortification ensues!

Katie asks Taylor why she's taking medicine, and Taylor explains anti-depressants to her. Well, sort of. She says that sometimes grown-ups feel sad and pills make them happy. I guess Katie is too young to learn that vodka works the same way?

Just try convincing me that the episode title doesn't make you think of the Extreme ballad that, let's face it, was pretty much about how if his ladylove didn't start giving him more BJ's instead of just telling him she loved him, she was out the door.

Where was I? The Fosters!

It was a delight to see that instead of rehiring a child molester or quietly ignoring the permanent absence of Lena's father, they hired a replacement! With this and the Jesus recast, it's refreshing to know that this isn't a show that changes course due to actor departures and is willing to go ahead and replace someone if the story demands the character. And even better: he was replaced by Bruce Davison! (Coincidentally, the last time I saw Davison on stage he was playing a child molester.) And Bruce Davison is wonderful. And is not a child molester.

It also meant the return of Lorraine Toussaint as Lena's mother, which I'm sure triggered PTSD for any Fosters viewers who also watch Orange is the New Black. (Which I assume has to be almost all of them? Well, all of the adults anyway.) Vee was terrifying, y'all. But it really spoke to Toussaint's talent that Dana is basically Vee's polar opposite.

Can you imagine if someone had spat a racial slur at Vee?

They'd be dead by morning. Nate would have been the toast served at breakfast.

Instead, the show seemed to imply that Stewart Adams will literally never speak to his son again. I'm not sure if that's the case, really, a lot of people say "I'll never forgive so-and-so" and then a year later everything changes. But I do know one thing: Nate's car ride home with his black girlfriend is going to be ugly! And there she was probably thinking, "Look at this, I'm in a room full of exclusively interracial couples! We totally get each other!" Oops.

Also, I really enjoyed Stef sticking up for Lena to Dana. That was a nice little touch.

So, what else happened? Oh, Brandon got kicked out of music camp because he plagiarized a Bach piece to make Kat look bad. It worked on one level, in that she looked like a fool for criticizing the piece (thinking it was Brandon's) and eventually she got ousted from camp, but so did he. Good work, Brando, you continue to be an effing genius. I find this whole thing really disappointing because that means his big storyline will move back into everyone else's, which likely means he's going to be spending a lot of time feeling jealous about his sister and his brother flirting with each other. (THAT'S STILL A REAL THING HAPPENING ON THIS SHOW, YOU GUYS.)

It could also, however, mean that Mat's news that the band is going back out on tour will send Brandon away for a while!

Oh who am I kidding. We can't be that lucky. I can't wait for the sibling love triangle.

Admittedly I don't understand the kids these days, but Icannot look at that face and see "dreamboat."

Speaking of poor Mat, Mariana dumped him because she cheated on him and couldn't live with it. Which, okay, but the poor guy is now wondering what he did wrong.

I'd also like to point out that she seems to be chatting with Wyatt on the reg these days, and I'm in no way ready for her to move on to him as her next love interest. It doesn't seem like that's where it's headed because she's the mayor of Guiltville right now, but he sure is pursuing it. Please don't turn Wyatt into a weird stalker. Don't damage his hair's reputation like that!

June 24, 2015

Let's visit some Devious Maids, shall we? My apologies in advance for whatever confusion I might experience. I binge-viewed the first two seasons of this show, and am finding it harder to remember details in weekly form now that I'm actually watching the episodes as they air! (If anyone of you are new to it or thinking of being new to it, I assure you, it's highly binge-worthy. Netflix has the first season, and Hulu has both of the first two seasons.)

So Carmen is looking for the red dress that Blanca was wearing, but Taylor says Blanca quit and took all her things without leaving a note. I'm so confused about what's going on in this storyline and really excited to find out. I loved the slow-burn of the Rebecca-esque storyline last year, so I'm assuming this might be played at a similar pace of small reveals.

And yes, Taylor is played by Brianna Brown, formerly Batshit Crazy Lisa Niles on General Hospital. Her hair is much more sensible here, and she's not running around a boat trying to inject HIV into anyone.

Ernesto is alive and Rosie doesn't seem all that happy about it. Poor Ernesto. Kind of a bummer to come back from the dead and your wife is all, "Damn, you're kinda ruining my new deal here!" Spence is not pleased. Spence is generally not pleased, and has trouble adulting so this can't lead to anything good.

Zoila and Genevieve are bonding in their generally adorable and wonderful way. My favorite relationship on the show.

Spence is surprised and pissy that Rosie is going to bring Miguel to see HIS FATHER. Don't be gross, Spence.

Sebastian is trying to get Carmen back, and she's making it a little too easy.

Also, can we talk about Carmen's head... necklace? Headlace? Is this a fashion trend someone needs to fill me in on?

Jesse (the male maid placed with Gail Fleming by Marisol) (who is played by the former Cameron on Days of Our Lives, by the by) finds a severed hand in the bushes. Part of a matching set? He is maid-ing, by the way, shirtlessly. This maid can somehow afford a spectacular personal trainer.

The girls are all together! Drinking Zoila's unused wedding wine. They're worried about what might have happened to Blanca.

Wait, no, Carmen's not worried. Carmen hopes Blanca is dead. That was a great dress.

Michael tries to get dirt from their daughter (is her name Katie?) on what Taylor was up to while he was away. Katie confirms that a man was in the house to see Taylor. Doesn't Katie hate Michael a lot? I'm so confused.

Jesse fills Marisol in on the hand situation. And by "hand situation," I mean the severed hand he has in a Ziploc in his bag.

Removing body parts from a crime scene: what could possibly go wrong?

Zoila goes to Genevieve's doctor's appointment with her for support. Turns out the doc wants to tell Genevieve that he's in love with her. Susan Lucci is the cutest.

June 22, 2015

I can't be the only one today who was pretty amused by several headlines like, "The Fosters has found Jesus!" Well, infantile sense of humor or not, I'm curious to see how the new Jesus works out.

A.J. is staying with the Adams Fosters, because of course he is. A.J. gets really confused about the unconventionality of this family. Brandon turns up and finds out that his father is planning to foster A.J., you know, at dinner in front of everyone which is always the best way. Let's face it, though, I don't really care about how Brandon feels.

Credits! Warm fuzzies!

All the grownups have a Feelings Meeting with Brandon.

Mike would like Brandon's support! He pretends he's okay with it. No one has wondered if Mike's brand new sobriety in addition to the fact that his last girlfriend statutory-raped his son might put a damper on approval for the foster license. I'm going out on a limb here to say that these are not great credentials.

Stef is going out for a girls' night! Stef has friends?

Jude and Connor are having an adorable date in which Connor plays a video game on the TV and Jude plays one on his smartphone.

Jude finds the TV shoot-em-up game to be way too loud and would like for these damn kids to get off his lawn!

A.J. rifles through Brandon's stuff.

A.J.: So the real kid gets his own room?

Callie: Well, we're all real.

Brandon walks in on Callie and A.J. standing way too close to each other. He is immediately jealous that his sister is flirting with his new brother. That's a real sentence.

Stef's friend Jenna is checking out women at the bar. They're at one of these only-on-television lesbian bars that are massive and upscale and pleasant and quiet and where there are always hordes of middle-aged women drinking martinis. Have we met Jenna before? I do remember them having lesbian-couple friends in the very beginning but I feel like we haven't heard of any since. Anyway, Jenna spots a super-hottie at the bar, and guess who it is? Monte! Looks like she's exploring her bicuriosity a little more aggressively! Stef insists that Jenna's barking up the wrong tree, since Monte's straight. Jenna astutely points out that Monte having been married to a man means nothing about her sexual orientation since Stef, too, was once married to a man.

Callie tells Mariana that she got fired from the drop-in center job. She divulges no details.

A.J. asks Lena if he's the first black kid she's fostered. He thinks his race makes it harder to find a foster family. Jude comes in and warns A.J. that he sometimes grinds his teeth in the night, because Jude is thoughtful and careful and perfect.

This dude Carl is there to fix the ceiling and asks if Lena and Stef are sisters. Ha! They do look a lot alike, you know. (Okay, okay, there are actual sisters in that house of different races, so I shouldn't even laugh. Love makes a family, not blood, yay!) Stef fills Lena in on the night before and is very curious about how much Lena knew about Monte's sudden interest in women. Turns out Monte was actually there on an online date, so this curiosity is very legit! Jenna wants Lena to set her up with Monte. Jenna calls and Lena and Stef both talk to her on video phone, which is super-awkward. Do people do this? Have group videophone talks on a smartphone? Anyway, Jenna makes the very ancient "lesbians bring a U-Haul to a second date" joke (that they waited till the third season to use that joke shows tremendous restraint), and our ladies agree to have her and Monte over for dinner.

June 08, 2015

I am endlessly confused by how these mini-seasons work on ABC Family (Season 2B is a thing!), but I believe this is the first episode of Season 3. The Fosters is back, y'all!

As you might recall, when we were last with our lovely non-traditional family, Callie's bio-father was no longer fighting for custody and Callie was about to be adopted by the Adams-Foster family and this time nothing could stop them! Ha ha, just kidding, there was a big fat car accident. A pregnant Ana was driving, and Mariana and Jesús were passengers. Oh yeah! And Jude and Connor are totally sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. (And unfortunately, so were Monte and Lena.)

So here we go! Stef comes up on the scene of the accident and realizes who was there. Mariana is okay, but crying. We see Jesús and Ana being carted off on stretchers.

Stef wakes up. It was a dream?

Opening credits! They never get old. But I don't get what just happened!

Stef and Lena are getting ready in the morning, talking about how much they miss Jesús.

But they can call him! He's just at boarding school! Which starts in the summer! SO WHAT HAPPENED IN THE ACCIDENT.

It turns out Brandon is going to Idyllwild, but he's commuting. So he will be with us for the summer. Sounds like Ana was the one hurt in the accident, but we don't know much more. We do know it's been three weeks and that it was a hit and run. They still haven't found the other driver and, naturally, Stef is working the case since Stef mostly only works cases that are completely inappropriate. Jude is meeting Connor before class (summer school) and gets the most adorable shit-eating grin on his face about it. And Jude and Connor? Are literally SITTING IN A TREE!!

(Not currently K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but they'll get there)

The boys aren't sure if they want to be out at school, but Connor's first vote is "nay."

A guy outside the community center asks Callie for money, so I'm sure that'll come up later somehow.

Ana's baby is apparently just fine, and Mariana's helping out. The baby's name is Isabella. Ana is in a pretty difficult-looking brace and looks miserable -- that doesn't bode well for a newly-recovering addict.

Sure enough, the guy from earlier comes into the center and tells Callie he's a foster kid. His name is AJ and he wants to use a computer. Smash cut to commercial, because why not? How scary! A teenager needs to use a computer! (I've missed the way this show plays the most mundane moments as dramatic scene-enders.)

April 16, 2015

2. Will! First of all, Will was on the episode. Second of all, he actually just has a plain old legitimate crush and doesn't just want to cruise dudes in the park anymore. He actually wants to date Kevin! And he told him so!

Go, Will! Honestly, all his fumbling attempts to spend more time with Kevin were completely adorable. People coming to terms with their own sexual orientation a little later on often talk about it as a "second adolescence" because while puberty is physically long over, you have to re-navigate crushes and first kisses all over again from a completely different perspective. It's really refreshing to see Will do that, though I doubt Ole Kev is going to be on board for how deep Will's closet is.

3. MADDIE IS THE WORST. We already know what a terrible brat she can be, and one must make allowances for a certain amount of general teen sulking. But really. Note to Rayna: it's not okay for your kids to talk to you like that. And do you know what'll encourage them to continue talking to you like that in the future? Revoking their punishment at the last second just because someone else convinces your kid to apologize. I got a good chuckle out of Rayna and Deacon hoping that Luke's son is "one of the good ones," and then confidently assuring themselves that at least they know their daughter is. One of the good ones. Maddie. One of the good ones. Maddie, who managed to make Deacon's CANCER all about her.

April 09, 2015

I agree, episode title! Bummer to lose Laura Benanti (Sadie), but I'd heard so much casting news about her lately (I can't picture her in a superhero show, but stranger things have happened) that I figured it was inevitable. Though I suppose she could still return, it did feel fairly final. Considering her storyline this entire season was building up to this self-defense shooting incident, it feels a little off, so I wonder if they had to change things midstream and she wasn't originally going to leave right away. I was actually interested in the developing relationship with Luke! Now what's the point of Luke? You tell me!

I suppose since my entire shtick around here for Nashville is hating on Scarlett, I should address this: the fact that she's been reduced to more of a supporting role this season has been a bit of a relief and likely the main reason I haven't been motivated to do a post for every episode. But hoo boy, these two episodes have been rough. Last week's because she was back to her old infuriating self (apparently she's never heard of Twitter before, and by the way is totally comfortable going on tour and performing in front of huge crowds now, everything's solved so I ask you: WHY did we have to go throughallthat?!) (the worst was her totally naive shock that people on the internet would say something unkind about someone they DON'T EVEN KNOW! Oh, Scarlett, that's the theme of the internet.), this week's because: ugh, Gunnar and Scarlett. We're now pretending that Gunnar's still been madly in love with Scarlett this whole time (here's a hint, Gunnar: if you're in love with someone, don't date their best friend and have her move in with you). We're also pretending that Scarlett waited and waited for Gunnar to return to her for the right reasons (exemplified by how she got back together with her ex-boyfriend, so yeah, yeah, that holds up).

Okay, it's true that Gunnar did manage to write her a song about how flippin' diamonds come out every time she opens her kewpie mouth, but that was about the only hint we got that she still held such significance for him. But now he's back to wanting to be the one responsible for catching all of those bile-covered diamonds, and he's handling it by being pissy and mean, since that's usually the way the get the girl.

It hurts, y'all. And I hope Avery doesn't stop playing with them, I do not want to go back to the duo days.