Thursday, October 11, 2012

I'm getting stupider

I'm getting to the point where I see things around me more clear than ever. The nature of tyranny and how it takes from everyone, then offers to give them back what was stolen from them if they behave, how tyranny scares you by threatening to take away your comfort and livelihood, and leaves you with absolutely nothing.
I also see that the lusts of the flesh are so tempting, and yet they are dead empty and worthless. Esau selling his birthright for a bowl of porridge is just exactly the perfect analogy of how mankind forfeits their status as a creation in order to consume something that is perishing - these kinds of things I see better.

I also have been working on my book more - a lot more. I'm up to chapter eight now and I must say, the book after the re-write looks good, real good. It's almost something I would pay a few dollars to read and keep even if I didn't write it (that may just be me deluded, but I'm really happy with how it looks anyway). When I get done writing something I feel that the person working on it knows his stuff.

I'm also teaching at church more - much more. And the resources I'm using to put together my lessons are not good, and somehow the things that come out of my mouth when I go to teach are good. When I listen to Catholic radio or that apostate Jesus Christ radio show my command of Scripture is immediate and powerful.

But in spite of this, there is a part of me that feels stupider than ever. I can feel it, way deep down, in that core of you that inner man. I know that I'm not as good at holding knowledge as I used to be, somehow. If need to recall a verse or a bit of scripture I can do it, but something feels out of place. That may be because in all this work I'm doing for my book or class I'm not as able to meditate and just get away and think things through, draw parallels to other things, and just spend time thinking clearly. It's like the more light that is shining on my life the larger I see is my ignorance for so many things, the larger is this cave and how great is that emptiness. My youthful confidence in the faith is being ebbed away as well - I never ever used to question my weakness because I thought of myself as strong, but now I don't. I now understand better what it means to be weak that Christ may be strong.

I read an interview with a man who was considered the greatest living theologian a few years back, when asked what it felt like to the greatest he responded with, "Dreadful. To think it has come to this that I am the greatest, I who know nothing." For a long time I thought that this wasn't right, that a man should know who he is, but now I'm not so sure, I think he understood something of what scripture speaks of: He must increase, and I must decrease, for surely I am more stupid than any man, And I do not have the understanding of a man.
I neither learned wisdom nor do I have knowledge of the Holy One. For who among us has ascended into heaven, or descended from it? Who has gathered the wind in
His fists? Who has bound the waters in a garment? Who has established
all the ends of the earth? What is His name, and what is His Son's
name, if you know?
Surely not man. It was not I, for I am but the dust of the earth. Behold I am vile. I lay my hand over my mouth.Once I have spoken, but no more will I answer. Twice, but I will proceed no further.