Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Unemployed Gray Alien Sues State Department Under Civil Rights Act

Does Racial Profiling Prevent Gainful Employment?

SPI WASHINGTON, DC - Ralph Hafflefloff, a gray alien born in Tucson, Arizona, filed suit in Washington, DC this morning claiming that the racial profiling practiced by the State Department has prevented him/her from seeking gainful employment with the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). His/her lawyer, Mr. Todtslo Ruben of Alexandria, Virginia, cited the Civil Rights Act and the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution as paramount arguments favoring his client's case. Hafflefloff's parents were part of the first wave of Astro Kin settlers welcomed by the federal government in 1949. Hafflefloff, having been born in the United States, is an American citizen.

Does skin color prevent gainful employment?

"All I ever wanted to do was serve my nation in its pursuit of a secure future," Hafflefloff insists. "I have been prevented from achieving my dream by the United States' own State Department as a result of organized oppression authored by those who are consumed by their hatred of 'grayskins', as we've been called. I never thought I would ever see the day that a citizen of the United States of America would ever be so consciously and insultingly plotted against merely to prevent me from becoming a happy and tolerant citizen with only one real desire: to protect my country and to see it succeed when others would bring her down. I was born in this great country, and I'm as much a citizen as anybody else! Why am I barred from living out my American dream? Why am I prevented from helping to make my nation a safer and more secure homeland? I'm hated and feared and cursed, because of my skin color. Why can't I simply be judged by the content of my character?"

Secretary of State John Kerry released the following statement of policy in regard to Hafflefloff's lawsuit: "The State Department has no issue with Mr. Hafflefloff's skin color. We fully recognize and honor the equality inherent to all skin colors. Racial profiling is a heinous practice and a disgusting measure of judgment, and it has no place amongst the duties of our government. Frankly, it's an insult to seek redress on the basis of such a practice."

Kerry makes it very clear that "Ralph Hafflefloff's skin color has no bearing on this matter, so there is no legal standing or merit to his/her case. The reason for his/her failure to find gainful employment is entirely due to his/her sexual orientation. As a 3rd Sexer, he/she is clearly unsuitable for a career in the TSA. He/she would be expected to follow current TSA policy, and TSA policy requires officers to conduct one-on-one screening only with members of his or her same sex. Gray aliens are infamously afraid of flying, so who exactly would Hafflefloff screen? No his/her flying means there's no his/her screening.

"We didn't even notice his/her skin color."

"It's also a well-known tenet of federal assurance that matters of a sexual nature require as little government interference as possible due to the extreme level of reckless embarrassment that tends more often than not to be associated with such a tight, limited focus. Take for instance the case of Jeffrey Dahmer. Ten years after his little government protest, the great city of Milwaukee had still failed to legislate any act or practice that might involve necrophilia. It's almost like they're afraid to even discuss it in their own court of law, for God's sake! Well, let me tell you something: your government applauds that sort of reticence to dictate policy, especially when that policy is so clearly necessary. It shows us that you're willing to sacrifice a point of good order and necessary decorum to keep government out of your bedroom or -- if you're still a teenager -- the backseat of your Dad's car. So God bless you."

Ralph Hafflefloff refused to comment further, but his lawyer, Todtslo Ruben, insists that a lawsuit based on skin color cannot be ignored simply because the State Department recognizes the additional element of sexual orientation.

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