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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

#724: Jackson K. Grimes

Jack Grimes is the perennial presidential candidate representing
the United Union of Fascists, and has failed to gain too much traction with the
voters thus far. Though his platform is such named, he doesn’t seem to have a
quite clear idea about what fascism is, even though he does consider Mussolini and Saddam Hussein his personal heroes.
Hitler, on the other hand, only “pretended to be a Fascist to capitalize on
Benito Mussolini’s popularity when he started the National Socialist German
Workers' Party, but was NOT a Fascist EVER! More like a Judas goat hung around
Il Duce's neck like a millstone with his anti-Semitic insanity.” So there.

His official(!) party website is here (pay
attention to the official campaign photo of Grimes, also reproduced to
illustrate the article). His frontpage suggests that he is, in fact, slightly
more sane and sympathetic than George Hutchins,
or another 2008 Maryland candidate, dominionist Fred Nethken, who ran on putting “God back in schools” and saving “American soldiers by replacing them
with immigrants” (it is hard to imagine a scenario in which the reasoning
behind that position is not
self-defeating). Though Grimes’s platform of abolishing Christianity and
replacing it with classical Roman paganism might not suggest that he is ideally
well-hinged, if anyone wondered (though he seems to waver a little; this one is from 2010). Grimes’s main argument to get you to vote for him is that “Jack
Grimes would be the ideal American President because he came from out of
nowhere, from nothing, and isn't that supposed to be what the American dream is
all about?” You can see him speak here.

His only television-aired presidential debate was an
appearance on the Jerry Springer show.