Thursday, July 18, 2013

Sooo..I haven't blogged in forever. No one probably even reads my blog anymore, however I came across this article a couple of months ago and it really touched me. I know it's long, but I promise it is worth your time. I feel like everyone feels the need to make their lives look "perfect" and glamorous, and to prove something, especially via social media. And all we do is enable this disease by posting comments like "perfection" or "too perfect". Life is beautiful, but it is not perfect. No one is perfect. I just want to challenge everyone to be real. I hope this touches someone else, like it touched me. Enjoy...As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something greater. Read it to the very end. I promise you will be affected in a way you have always needed to be. I spent more than twelve hours writing this post because its message is that important to me.

I wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us right now? There is a serious pandemic of “Perfection” spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I am passionately and constantly hurting. It’s a sickness that I’ve been trying to put into words for years without much success. It’s a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It’s a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and hating myself.

And chances are it’s hit you too.

What is the disease called ”Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it. We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. “Perfection” is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of “Perfection” are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will cry as I did while writing it. If you don’t, maybe you’re infected with way too much of this ”Perfection” infection.

“Perfection” is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. “Perfection” keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.

“Perfection” is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those around him. ”Perfection” really does keep people from being real about the truth. You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn’t she the best?

“Perfection” is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn’t want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can’t because then the “Perfect” people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.

“Perfection” is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. “Perfection” makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.

“Perfection” is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.

“Perfection” is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words “we don’t have the money” are impossible ones to push across their lips.

“Perfection” is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I’d give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up for Bunco. What this mom doesn’t know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to be “Perfect” never lets up.

“Perfection” is a dad hating himself because he can’t give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I’d have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.

“Perfection” is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn’t have any friends, because her mom doesn’t want to think that anything might be less than “Perfect”.

“Perfection” is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.

“Perfection” is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. “Perfection” makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does. How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don’t want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.

“Perfection” is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be “the perfect one”, that would be freeing.

“Perfection” is a woman having an affair because she’s too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.

“Perfection” is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can’t stop masturbating.

Stop, and read that one again.

There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the “Perfection” that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. “Perfection” pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.

“Perfection” is my friend’s cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She is dead because of the “Perfection” infecting those around her. We’d rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we’ll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We’re infected with “Perfection”.

I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called “Perfection”. You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. “Perfection” is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected. The good news is, there is a cure.

Be real.

Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody’s is. Embrace that you have things you can’t control. We all have a list of them.

Here’s your wake-up call:

You aren’t the only one who feels worthless sometimes.

You aren’t the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.

You aren’t the only one who isn’t making enough money to support your lifestyle.

You aren’t the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.

You aren’t the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.

You aren’t the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.

You aren’t the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can’t figure out why.

You aren’t the only one that questions your sexual orientation.

You aren’t the only one who hates your body.

You aren’t the only one that can’t control yourself around food.

Your husband is not the only husband who’s addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.

Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.

Why didn’t somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the “Perfection” that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.

Why didn’t somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn’t be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say “Mommy” right now. Maybe.

Maybe.

The cure is so simple.

Be real.

Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people’s lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just “talk”. People are desperate to talk. Some of the most “perfect” people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most “perfect” people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most “perfect” people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.

You’ll love them for it. And you’ll love yourself even more.

Let’s not forget this quote: “I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.” Somebody who is being a friend doesn’t spread “Perfection”. Somebody who is being a friend spreads “Real”. Then, and only then, can we all grow together.

I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here’s my dose of real:

I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.

I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.

I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.

I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.

There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I’m not as good as them.

I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.

Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don’t want to see the “Perfection” going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person’s head across the room.

“Perfection” infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren’t a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe. No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others. This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever notice.

This is me, weeping as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be “real”. This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the girls in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking you to act a little less perfect.

Will you help me spread “Real”? Tell us below just how perfect you aren’t. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren’t alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let’s see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we’re not defined by perfection.

And please, *please please share this post*. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first. If it’s your first time here, we’d love to have you follow us. I promise it’s not always this intense (or nearly this long). I’ll post something really funny tomorrow. Credit: Dan Pearce Single Dad Laughing http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I know I am a week late but I just wanted to do a post in honor of my beautiful mother. (Wasn't she a total babe?!)

Happy Mother's day mom! I miss going shopping with you, going to the movies with you, having you do my hair every day, sitting on your tub and talking to you every night while you got ready for bed, your laugh, your smile, and most of all, your unconditional love. Thanks for being the ultimate example of an amazing woman to me, and thanks for watching over me. I hope you're proud. I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

If I've learned anything throughout my life, it's that it really is okay not to be okay. Nothing offends me more than when people tell me that I need to move on. Every time someone says that or even hints around that idea, my blood begins to boil. I feel like screaming, "IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 3 MONTHS!" And keep in mind, people were telling me this after about one month. The person I love more than anything in this world, the person who knew me better than anyone else, my best friend, my Trev, passed away and I'm not okay. I get to miss Tanner, I get to think about him, I get to be sad, I get to keep on loving him. I don't want to forget about him, I want to keep him alive in my heart. No, it doesn' t mean that my life has to end, or that I have to be defined by this, but I feel like I am allowed to mourn. It has almost been 10 years since my mom passed away and I still miss her and think about her every single day.

Grieving is a very interesting process...and no one can tell you how to do it. I've already been through it once but now that I'm older, I have been paying more attention to it and how you really do go through phases. Everyone grieves differently...but for me, the phases come in waves. They just come out of the blue and hit me like a bus. I can go from feeling guilty, to being sad, to extremely angry, then right back to sad. I'm realizing that is normal though. And it's totally okay not to be super happy all of the time. A huge chunk has been ripped out of my heart. It physically hurts. And I know that the only thing that will heal my broken heart is to go through this process and not push any of these feelings aside.

Anyway, sorry for my rambling, I just wanted to throw it out there that if you're having a hard time, it's okay not to be okay. You don't always have to be strong. So cry your eyes out, scream, get mad, do whatever you need to do...because after all, you gotta feel it to heal it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I have been thinking about doing this post for a long time and I would feel very ungrateful if I didn't post it so, here goes.

June 21, 2002 was a HORRIFIC, awful, terrible day from hell. It was the day we got in our car accident and my mom passed away. I honestly didn't think that I would have another day that would even come close to comparing to that. Boy was I wrong. February 9, 2012 was my worst nightmare. And now, sits right next to June 21, 2002 on the list of Natalie's worst days ever. The call I got that morning shattered my world, and forever changed my life. I still get physically sick when I think about receiving that news. I wanted to disappear into thin air right then and there. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening to me. But it is so very real, and it did happen to me, and I am still living this nightmare...and the worst part? There is nothing I can do to change it.

Now, the part of the story where I feel so grateful. I feel grateful for the people in my life. The angels that are in my life that have truly carried me through this. Ever since that day, I have had immense support that hasn't stopped.

First, I want to thank my roommates. I am so blessed to live with such amazing girls who are truly my good friends. I especially want to thank Kyndra. I think she is the first person who heard me sobbing. She came into my room and asked if everything was okay. As soon as I told her, she grabbed my phone, called my dad and told him he needed to get here. She called my boss and told her I wouldn't be at work. She sat with me until my dad got there even though she was supposed to be at work. Also, a huge thank you to Hollie, who also sat with and comforted me.

Next, my family. My dad came straight to my apartment and so did Brooke. My dad and Susie have spent countless hours comforting me and helping me through this. As soon as Kristi got the call, she packed a bag and within 15 minutes, she and her family were on their way from St. George. Kristi had a 6 page paper due on Saturday and a 10 page paper do on Monday but she stayed at my dad's all weekend. She drove back to St. George on Sunday and then flew into SLC on Tuesday morning for the funeral. Talk about an incredible sister. Brooke and Brandon came with me to the mortuary and were there for support when I saw Tanner for the first time. Brooke has had me over for dinner, given me rides all around town, and just listens to me when I'm having a bad day. Again, incredible sister. My sweet, sweet grandparents came to my dad's the day it happened. Few things are as comforting as being in my grandma's arms. They also came to the funeral, which meant so much. And, so did my Aunt Sharon. I will be forever grateful to those who came.

My best friends are amazing! Maria left school as soon as she could and came to my apartment to just sit with me. She spent late nights at my dad's house, came to the viewing and stayed with me throughout the whole thing, drove me to the funeral, and also spent that whole day with me and took me home. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her! She also kept my spirits up as much as possible with her fun personality and great sense of humor :). When I called Lexi on Thursday morning to tell her what had happened, and that I needed her to come to my dad's, she didn't ask any questions...she jumped in her car and drove right to my dad's house to be with me. She came to the viewing and funeral as well. She let me invade her house and let me wallow there for a few days. I can expect a text from her every day, at about the same time, asking how that day is. Mallory and Cortney, who both came to the viewing/funeral. I don't think people really understand how much it means to have that kind of support. But to me, it meant the world and I will be forever grateful to those who came. When my mom passed away, one of my friend's, Jordan Jeppesen, came with his mom to her funeral. To this day I still remember that act of kindness and I will never forget it. I don't think he knew how much that meant to me and still does. Thank you to Liz and Karley, for their numerous phone calls and text messages just to let me know they are here for me. And thank you to Karley for driving up to spend the weekend with me when I really needed her.

And last, but certainly not least...The Adams family. Words cannot express the love and admiration I have for this family. Not only are they some of the strongest people I know, but also some of the most genuine. I loved them from day one and always wanted to be a part of their family...to spend the holidays with them, to go on family vacations, even just to share the last name "Adams". However, they will always be family to me and they have treated me as nothing less. Tanner once said to me, "Just remember, you'll never find a mother-in law that will love you as much as Cindy." And he's probably right. :) I'm so grateful for her, she is definitely one of my angels and has kept me going on the days that I want to give up. I feel a little piece of Tanner every time I get a bear hug from her. Like Maria said, "Tanner has your mom in heaven and you have his mom here on earth." How true that is and how blessed I am for that. The whole family's strength is inspiring to me. I would never wish any of this upon anyone but if I have to go through this, I'm grateful that is with an amazing family like the Adams. I truly know that Heavenly Father (and I'm sure my mom had a hand in it as well) blessed me with them. I know Tanner would be so proud of all of them. I love that family more than they will ever know!

Thank you to everyone who came to visit me, called me, wrote me a card, texted me, sent me flowers, prayed for me, sent a Facebook message, or even commented on this blog. I was overwhelmed with the love and support that was shown to me. I heard from people who I hadn't heard from in years. It is so nice to know that people care.

So again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me and showed me support. You have all helped make this trial a little more bearable and it means more than you'll ever know.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Thank you to Taylor Ballam for this amazing video! Click here to see more of his amazing work.

I can't believe it has been a month since I lost the love of my life and my best friend. I don't really even know what to say besides I miss him every second of every day. I miss his smile, his cute giggle, his jokes...I miss everything about him. My heart hurts. I think everyone that knew Tanner has a broken heart. He had an amazing light about him...and I will be forever grateful that I was blessed by his amazing spirit. I can't wait until the happy reunion when I get to see him, and my mom again. For now, they better be helping me out throughout my journey here on earth! Heaven is so blessed to have a new angel. Mom, take care of my new angel...and Tan, give my mom one of your amazing bear hugs for me.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

I'm apologizing ahead if this post sounds a little preachy or churchy-but the reason I'm writing it is to give myself some reassurance and hope. I'm writing this to remind myself why I'm here and why I should "keep on keepin on". So, if it helps anyone else out then its a win-win situation :) Life has been extra hard lately. It's crazy how everything can go from being so "perfect" to complete and utter chaos. There are many of my loved ones going through HARD things. And all I want to be able to do is save them and make everything better. I keep wondering, "Why won't Heavenly Father help them? Why won't he fix this? How can he let innocent people suffer so much?" My dad keeps reminding me that we all have our agency and God won't step in and take that away from us. I keep trying to remind myself that this life is a test...with many trials. And its up to us to decide if we are going to let these trials destroy us, or strengthen us. I have felt very alone and empty lately. Then I remembered this quote from one of my favorite talks...

"We know that on some level Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane. It's our faith that he experienced everything- absolutely everything. Sometimes we don't think through the implications of that belief. We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family. But we do not experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually. That mean Jesus know what it felt like when your mother died of cancer- how it was for your mother, how it still is for you. He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the brakes locked, and the car started to skid. He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virgina. He experienced napalm in Vietnam. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism.

..But he'll stay in that room if you put him there. The door to him is always open, but the door to you can be closed and stay closed - if you choose to close it. If there is one great constant in the universe is the unfailing love of the Savior, the other great constant is his unfailing respect for human agency. He will not override your will, even for your own good. He will not compel you to accept his help. He will not force you to accept his companionship. He leaves you free to choose. He's not waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people do not need a Savior. He came to save us in our imperfections. He is the Lord of the living, and the living makes mistakes. He's not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief. You know that people who live in a certain latitude and experience long winter nights can become depressed and even suicidal, because something in our bodies requires whole spectrum light for a certain numbers of hours a day. Our spiritual requirement for light is just as desperate and as deep as our physical need for light. Jesus is the light of the world. We know that the world is a dark place sometimes, but we need not walk in darkness. The people who sit in darkness have seen a great light, and the people who walk in darkness can have a bright companion. We need him, and he is ready to come to us, if we'll open the door and let him in."

-Chieko N. Okazaki (Lighten up)

I often feel like no one truly understands how I feel and what I am going through. This talk is a great reminder that there IS one person who does know.

How comforting it is to know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, knows EXACTLY what I have been through and continue to go through. He

atoned for each and every one of our sins and sacrificed His life for me. He is willing to take upon all of our pain but like the talk says, we need to be humble enough to go to Him, ask for His help, and let Him in.

"Our destiny is greater than we can imagine. If only we understood who we are and what is in store for us, our hearts would overflow with such gratitude and happiness that it would enlighten even the darkest sorrows with the light and love of God, our Heavenly Father. The next time you feel unhappy, remember where you came from and where you are going. Rather than focus on things that dampen your thoughts with sorrow, choose to focus on those things that fill your soul with hope."

The Reflection in the Water

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you. God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God love encompasses us completely. He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked. What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.” ― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I'm truly so thankful to have the gospel in my life. I feel like I need to express it more...especially with the holiday season just around the corner. It is the perfect time of year to reflect on all of our blessings and to remember the true meaning of the holidays. For now, I'm going to take one day at a time, remember that there is a bigger plan for us that I can't comprehend, and a reason for everything we go through. God is mindful of us and wants us to succeed. We CAN do hard things!

If anyone made it this far, good job and thanks for reading. :) Love you all!