Coping with the illness as it worsens

If your parent gets so sick that it’s hard for them to stay at home they may be moved to a hospice. A hospice is a home for terminally ill people.

They have staff to look after people 24 hours a day to make sure they’re as comfortable as possible.

It can be difficult to see your parent hospitalised, or moved to a hospice; but try not to be afraid to visit them. Keep in mind they won’t feel their best. They may be in pain and may not seem like themselves.

If you’re worried about visiting try talking to someone about your worries. Again, learning about the illness can help you know what to expect when you arrive at the hospital.

If your parent is in hospital or a hospice, there are likely to be nurses or social workers around. They might be able to explain what’s going on and what to expect. This can make your visits more positive.

Mixed feelings

As your parent’s condition changes you may begin to experience mixed feelings. For example, part of you might wish that they’d pass, because it’s too difficult seeing them like this or because it’s all so draining on you.

This could lead to guilt or resentment.

It’s understandable to have thoughts and emotions like this. It’s hard to see a parent suffer. While you don’t want to lose a parent, you don’t want their suffering to continue either.

This can be a time of increased tensions within the family. Try talking about what’s going on, and do more enjoyable activities together as a family.

Ongoing grief

If your family has known in advance about your parent’s illness being terminal, it’s likely you’ll start experiencing symptoms of grief even before they pass.

This is called “anticipatory grief”. It can include feelings of sorrow, anxiety, anger, acceptance, depression and denial.

Saying goodbye

A benefit of knowing in advance that someone will pass is that it gives you a chance to say things you’d like to say.

It gives you time to talk about things with your parent, to say you love them, and let them know how you feel.

This can give you peace of mind that when they pass away, you’ve had the chance to properly say goodbye.

When your parent passes

When your parent does pass, like the rest of the journey, this time can be difficult. Again you may have mixed feelings.

It’s normal to feel a whole range of emotions such as sadness, anger or even relief that they are no longer suffering. It’s OK to feel any of these things.

The most important thing is to allow yourself the time to grieve. Don’t bottle things up or pretend everything is fine if it’s not. If you feel like you may need to talk to someone then do.