a little sassiness, a little satire and the search for satisfaction

Month: August 2016

I am not really sure what has happened in the last couple of weeks but I kind of fell off the face of the earth. I mean I went about the usual and actually a lot happened, but mentally/emotionally I kinda checked out.

The big move is complete, well apart from handing my keys in tomorrow for the old house. The kids are adjusting well and apart from the dog barking like a raving loonie and driving the poor neighbors bonkers, we seem to be coping okay. There is still plenty of unpacking to do – it’s so weird to find where to put things when they have had their place set in the old house for so long.

I had a bit of a weird moment with my blog and I think it kinda scared me off a little. Turns out someone must be reading because someone found this little old blog. I wouldn’t have even known if it hadn’t been for their friendly add on Instagram… Either way, all of a sudden I was worried that this was no longer a safe place to share, which is why the previous posts all disappeared and then reappeared. I panicked. I have been more honest here than pretty much anywhere else and even though I don’t think I have written anything I wouldn’t say out loud, I was shaken to know that someone had read all the emotional shit here. Because it was someone in the ex-husbands family.

I didn’t have the best relationships with some of his family, and there were quite a few I never had any sort of relationship with at all. When you are blackballed by the soon-to-be mother-in-law, the possibility of relationships with the extended family diminishes pretty quickly. But I was lucky enough to eventually build a pretty special friendship with a couple of them, so when my marriage ended and they fell out of my life too, it just kinda added to the devastation. I know that those ‘in-law’ relationships change when marriages end, but these people were FAMILY to me. I loved them just as much as my own family, even though there were times I am sure we all drove each other bat-shit crazy. Truth is, when they accepted the ex-husbands new girlfriend with open arms, I was hurt and I didn’t know what to say, or how to say that. So I said nothing.

And now, I honestly feel that perhaps the stuff I write here should maybe be a little more guarded, which I didn’t want to do. I am lost for what my next move should be… Just forward for now I guess.

Stumbling,

Synn xx

NOTE – if you are out there and reading this and you know who I am, do so at your own risk I guess.

I had a funny moment today, walking through the new house. I realized that I am still behaving like a married woman, still considering the needs of other people who weren’t considerate of mine even while we were married. And for a moment there I thought I should be crying. But I didn’t want to cry, I was just incredibly disappointed in myself. Then I decided to get the f*ck on with it and start doing what needed to be done. If I am ever going to start moving on, now is the time to do it right? Fresh start in a new home etc.

Part of buying a home in a mortgagee repossession is taking the risk of buying the house as is. One of the main things for me is all those crappy little things – I have already had professional cleaners go through and clean the place from top to bottom and guess what, the grout is a completely different color than we even thought it was! The bottom of the pantry looks like it has never ever been cleaned and that’s going to take some scrubbing! But then there’s all those shitty little elements, like the flyscreens and security doors were taken, the keys for all the locks etc. So replacing the locks was another pain in the ass to deal with but had to be done. Security doors are taking longer than I was hoping but everything is happening, slowly but surely.

I said in my last post that this was going to be a journey in finding out what I am capable of… This week I learned that not all garage door motors are the same and toilet seats are really easy to replace. If only everything was that easy.

The emotional crap that goes with all this is taking a little more work. It’s been over a year since my marriage ended and I am still impossibly locked into that relationship. And it’s a horrible feeling to realize that the person I was wholly and solely in love with never really felt the same way about me. No matter what he said. I am not discounting how he did feel about me – we had something beautiful and special and we have these two freakin awesome kids as a result of that. But it’s weird to put it all in perspective and realize that he acted in a manner that hurt me, but worse than that, he knew it would hurt me and he didn’t care. Not only did he hurt me, but hurting me didn’t matter. I wasn’t even worth the ‘shit I would hurt her if I did that’. It’s hard to not use that information in measuring my self worth, when for so long it didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, except him.

I know I have made some changes since I became a single person again, because when I get to the end of each day now, I just hope that I have done enough. That I have behaved well enough and handled myself well enough that my kids could be proud of me. Makes me think of an old saying ‘have you done enough today to earn the right to live tomorrow’.

So it’s time to start cleaning out, the new house and all the emotional shit that rolls around inside me. Tomorrow I’m off to invest in some tools, because if I am going to get this stuff done on my own and not rely on an ex husband, or any other man, then I need to teach myself this stuff. And I will because if nothing else I’m a stubborn bitch lol. Starting with the pool and figuring out if it’s chlorinated or salt water? Any tips? And why would anyone install a pool and leave all that grass around it? This is going to be quite the exercise with my OCD hahaha!
Swimming anyone?

So, I am not sure if I have talked about this before , but I have an auto-immune disorder and getting sick for me happens quickly and pretty drastically gets out of hand. I have been juggling a sore throat for a couple of months now, when it has got bad I have jumped on the anti-biotics quick smart, but I think this time I was just too busy and pre-occupied to realise exactly how ‘not great’ I was feeling.

That’s my line generally… When someone can see that I am not well and they ask how I am feeling, the usual response is ‘not great’. And chances are that is the response I will give, whether I am feeling off colour or I need to get to a hospital. The auto-immune disorder diagnosis was somewhat a relief. I had been sick on and off, with some interesting symptoms along the way and no real reason for why I felt like I did – all the time. All of these little illnesses were quickly evolving into something more complicated, more serious. A regular cold would quickly become pneumonia and pleurisy, tonsillitis would become a 5 day hospital stay.

My GP kept telling me that I needed to change my lifestyle. I have always been overweight and my doctor had informed me that I was ‘the healthiest fat patient she had’. Honestly the only thing that had changed in my life/lifestyle was that when my ex was injured at work, stress levels went through the roof.

My specialists agree that for me, stress was the trigger to what was probably an underlying problem. And looking along the family line, I was probably always genetically pre-disposed to auto-immune disorder. I have to manage my lifestyle a little differently, but ultimately, for right now, I am relatively healthy. I’m still fat and working out or exercising is hard work when every joint in your body feels like its on fire, or your skin is covered in blisters. But on the good days, I drag my ass out and walk as much as I can. I am managing my stress levels better with some try hard yoga poses and meditation.

Today is not a great day. That sore throat I mentioned above is kicking my ass today and when I went in to see the GP this morning, she wasn’t pleased. I am currently laying in bed watching movies and sipping water, because if I don’t get some anti-biotics into me and stay hydrated, the doc wants me up at the hospital tonight for an IV. Needless to say, I am being a good girl and following doctors orders. I cant afford to get really sick right now, I cant afford to have another serious flare up.

I have to do what I have to do to take care of me. I cant take care of my crazy gorgeous kids if I am not taking care of me.

Controlling the craziness sometimes is the biggest mission of the day, and at the moment, there seems to be a whole heap of craziness. This buying a new home and moving house and figuring out which bit to do in which order is just overwhelming!

I picked up the keys this week and went to the house. After being locked up for a month and the huge amounts of rain we have had here, the yard is a mess, not to mention that great big pool! I’ll admit the pool is the reason I wasn’t keen on the house in the first place, but buying into the market in a decent area is a tough gig.

Buying this house was a huge thing for me. I have enough anxieties about whether I am doing the right thing, or if I can maintain all the balls in the air at the moment, not to mention the lack of information in the handover – I am not even sure if the pool is chlorinated or salt water!

The simple fact is that I was able to buy into a great area, by purchasing a place that needs some work. I need to sort out the install of a new soak well, replace locks, organise a pool service, replace garage door remotes… The list goes on! And I’m kinda feeling at the moment that I need a husband! Or maybe a partner in crime haha!

I am hoping that this will be a big lesson for me, a learning curve maybe. I would like this to be an exciting journey for me in which I can learn what I am capable of and I am going to stay positive, because this is going to be something great for me and my kids.

Well it’s been a long freakin week here. Packing and packing and worrying and packing and the nerves…. Ergh the nerves! Tomorrow is settlement day and I pick up the keys for the new house. I am still worried and the list of things I need to buy for the house is growing. The real estate agent here is being a pain in the ass as well – after being in the same place for 9 years, and the rent never being late, you would think they would be a little easier to deal with. But apparently not. I have boxes everywhere, the place could do with a really good clean and tomorrow afternoon there will be a parade of strangers coming through my home to see if they want to rent the place. In case you hadn’t already noticed, I’m a bit of a weirdo with strangers. So the thought of a heap of people I don’t know traipsing through my home, touching my stuff is making me feel a little sick.

Packed boxes everywhere and it’s not long now ’til were at the new house and we’ll have a pool for summer. There is so much I have planned for the new house and I am really kinda looking forward to what life might look like there.

I have some pretty big goals in the planning stage at the moment – my standard anxiety management plan. But in the meantime I better go clean the toilets and stuff before the strangers arrive.