Have no fear....Minnie's back!!!

Posted Friday, August 10, 2007, at 2:49 PM

Yes, I have returned from the land of nod(ding), and am happy to report that all is well, although the waters of the Gulf may be a bit more shallow, having had a gaggle of Missouri maidens making waves in its sea-weedy waters. I seem to have returned with a good portion of the beach's sands in my underwear, so if you're heading that way, you may wish to pack your own.

Am happy to report the grand opening of my first "mart" on the Gulf's coast…I call it "Minnie's Men-o Mart -- Multitudes of Mordant Miniscule Memories and Mementos. Catchy, huh? We sell only things that make you feel better, even if you didn't feel bad going in… Ice cream, wine, chocolate (lots of chocolate), M&M's (plain and peanut), Cheetos, pecan logs, wine, Oreos, a select few bathing suits that are all labeled size 10, even though they're really 14-16's, also tweezers (a must), fans, wine, pink flamingo refrigerator magnets (another must), and sticks with little pelican beaks at the end that aid in picking up things (like M&M bags) so that you don't have to bend over…and did I mention wine? Hired a couple of Czechoslavakian refugees to run the place while I'm gone. They had honest faces and nice posteriors. Should provide a nice little nest egg for my later years. I left to the ka-ching ka-ching of the register as three little blue-haired ladies were contemplating paper or plastic from Hans.

SO, looks like I returned not a minute too soon, as it appears all are conspiring to put an element of "man"kind out of commission...run, Truthy, run! And all this talk of Angel Food and Chili and rapscallions. I tarried almost a second too long. Still, my gracious appreciation to all who kept the blog ball rolling in my absence. Without access to the keyboard all week, I suffered "blog withdrawal" symptoms upon my return. The sun and steady "swoosh" of the tide were my only consolation.

NOW, just thought I would share some recently acquired knowledge.

This is appropriately titled:

What I Learned on my Summer Vacation

Five post and pre-menopausal women CAN pack a five-day trip into one SUV (who needs to see out the back window anyway).

Sand can find its way into body orifices that you didn't know existed.

Souvenir shops can sell anything in the name of the "Gulf."

Sharks are alive and well, in numbers.

Shoe shops are more attractive the further south one travels.

Boiled peanuts are still boiled peanuts.

There is no better diet incentive than a trip to the beach. (Every diet plan in the world ought to begin with forcing each potential victim into a bathing suit for a one-day stay at the beach).

Seaweed at a spa is NOT worth $75 (This knowledge is only attained after spending an afternoon repeatedly wading through a 30 foot wide span of it in order to reach clear Gulf waters).

Books read better when combined with sand and sun.

Any restaurant containing the name, "Joe," "Clam," or "Mama" is worth visiting.

Grandchildren really don't need to accompany adults to any area containing sand until they reach a minimum age of 16. (At that stage, they can assist with the drive, but cannot purchase liquor).

102 degrees is not nearly as hot oceanside as it is 500 miles inland.

Sometimes a 45 SPF sunscreen is just not enough.

No matter how far you travel from home, you run into someone you know. (Just when you thought it was safe to sunbathe).

Cosmopolitans are smoother when served surfside.

That rule you thought was always absurd about seniors being allowed the right of way…might be ok afterall.

Parasailing requires Dramamine.

Jellyfish bite.

Crabs that die in one's possession while in the shell develop a distinct aroma after a few days.

Umbrellas are a good thing...

So are visors.

Even when reversing the same route to return home, it takes twice as long as getting there did.

Oh Minnie..... welcome back! You have been sorely missed, but not too fear, your croneys did a wonderful job with your blog during your absence!

By the way........ love the picture on the home page. You look so proper and sophisticated!

-- Posted by greer958 on Fri, Aug 10, 2007, at 9:06 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:

I am nothing if not proper and sophisticated! I commend that esteemed editor for the picture choice...a perfect likeness! No wonder he makes the big bucks!

m o'

Oh, Minnie, dear!!!! How wonderful to return home from a dull trip to Cape (no beach there) to find that our dear glorious, sun-tanned leader has returned to her loyal blogger-buddies!!

You will be pleased to learn that Cake lady and I held down your last blog to the full extent of our abilities.

As for Mr. I.B. LeTruth, I think you must punish him severely for his flaunting of our combined authority... He simply refused to accept our gracious birthday party invitation.

He also insulted me for my proper use of "rapscallion," which word certainly does fit him to a "T."

-- Posted by goat lady on Fri, Aug 10, 2007, at 10:47 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:

GT...

Dear and glorious, perhaps, but in lieu of suntanned, perhaps "crispy" is a more apt description.

My condolences for not having found a beach at Cape. You could always come by and pick up what sand remains in the bottom of my luggage bags and what I have managed to harbor upon my person..should serve you well enough to constitute a beach when taken and dumped on the banks of the Mississippi.

As far as I.B., we may just have to include him in the next protest and slip him a Lil' Debbie with extra icing, rapscallion that he is. He does still loan a bit of credibility to the "maleism" element of this scenario, however, so let's not let Cake get too heavy handed with the icing.

Good to be welcomed back, but nothing like a trip with good friends, good reading and those Gulf waters to improve one's outlook on life...now if we could just find a remedy for the heat...mmmmmmm...I feel a blog coming on.

Glad you are back Minnie. These ladies, not to mention names, the goat herder and baking specialist have special powers of subliminalism and surely were working thier magic upon those of us with lesser abilities. I have been tired and sleepy the entire week. Welcome home.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sat, Aug 11, 2007, at 7:29 AM

Minne O'Pausal's response:

Subliminalism...I like it! Goes hand in hand with femalism and maleism. I can't say that I've returned to rescue you, I.B., although you do seem to be flailing as Cake and Goat well state. I would only remind you of what you're dealing with here, specificially post and pre "Men-o's" whose wrath you truly do not want to experience on a personal level. I would suggest that you agree to take your place in this blog of blogs as a subserviant, where until such time as we "men-o's" find appropriate, you shall remain, to observe and prosper at our mercy. What more could a man ask for? (don't answer that Truthy)

Welcome back, dear crisp Minnie. We have missed you! So much has happened in your absence! Goat Lady and I have worked our fingers to the bone to maintain decorum and establish some form of leadership to your esteemed blog in your absence, but we fear that rapscallionism has crept in. Why, it even appears that our beloved Ducky has been swayed. You surely have arrived home in the nick of time!

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sat, Aug 11, 2007, at 9:40 AM

Subliminal feminalism reigned supreme in your absence Minnie. Rule by authoritarian principle with veiled threats to pluck and stuff a duck. Now that you have returned I am sure that sevility will once again be prominent in your blog and I shall be able to stay awake for normal periods. I did not desire to resort to finding refuge at the Puxico Homecoming at the goat burger stand. Your return we celebrate.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sat, Aug 11, 2007, at 9:08 PM

So good to have you back, Minnie. I have NOT been swayed. I've always been one to cheer for the underdog and in a brewhaha with goatlady and letseakcake, Truthy is most definitely the underdog. Welcome back. The gulf-coast's lose is our gain.

-- Posted by Ducky on Sat, Aug 11, 2007, at 9:41 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:

My Minnie thanks, Ducky.

And remember, within this blog, I.B. will always remain the underdog.

A true delight to know that the lesser gender has equal protection with Minnie back, but I am not sure that being considered the underdog is a compliment. While Minnie was gone I have learned many new words and learned to closely evaluate the hidden meaning of each. Now I fear I have lost my mind and have no understanding of simple conversation.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sat, Aug 11, 2007, at 11:29 PM

Minnie, you are sorely needed on your "Off to the Shores" blog, where open war has broken out!

Do not let I.B. LeTruth's mild manner deceive you! He is a devil in disguise and has been joined by that turncoat, Ducky Le Deaux.

Undoubtedly they are staging a coup d'état!

We have received no recent communication from Cake Lady. She may have been imprisoned in the pantry!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 9:30 AM

Fear not Goat Lady - I have not been imprisoned...I have been on a shopping spree for ingredients for Ducky Le Deaux a L'orange.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 1:36 PM

I have placed the punkin chunker in the stand by alert mode and the mighty Ducky patrols the skies with tons of melons in the bombay. The air and ground shall now and forever remain safe from evil conspiracies against the "Great Minnie O" with her wonderous words of wisdom.

By the way, laughter is a great thing. How do you all dream those things up?

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 4:45 PM

Goat Lady! Where are you? I have misplaced my recipe for Rapscallion Sauce!!! Are you out putting your little bearded-faced sentinels to the ready?

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 6:26 PM

Hey, I want part of the royalties if you all write a childrens book or something. A fair damsel in distress, bearded sentinels, poison cakes, a caped duck dropping over ripe melons. It's gotta work. Gotta, who is the illustrator?

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 7:21 PM

Cake lady, the goats are ready on the ramparts! Bring your blog cakes up to the walkway, and we shall hurl them at the flying menaces of the air!

Be sure to wear your pith helmet to ward off the barrage of sundry melons!

Minnie, where are you? I am not sure who is the enemy: I.B. Truthy, Ducky, Cake Lady........or me myself!!!!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 8:13 PM

goat lady, you think you have escaped to another blog, but I have detected you, nonetheless. Don't play coy and pretend that you don't know who perpetrated the first foul invasion of our precious leader's blog - subliminal messages of doctored cakes????? Sound familiar????

-- Posted by Ducky on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 8:39 PM

Ah, Ducky Le Deaux, do not attempt to create a diversion. We all know that you, in fact, perpetrated the invasion with your overture of friendship and protection for a .....a...masculine presense in our midst!!

Cake Lady and I are the true protectors of the faith, guardians of the Minnie Blog!

-- Posted by goat lady on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 9:45 PM

Minne O'Pausal's response:

Truce...

Oh, it was a wonderfully adventurous face-off today in the hills of Tillman. There was Goat Lady with her pseudo-ferocious bearded friends, and the temptress, Cake, in all her subliminalocity (yep, another Minnie coined wordage) and with her contemptuous baked items about, and Ducky, with ice cream cone crumbs in her ruffled feathers, and finally Yellow Rose with all her "armpit" wisdom. And there was I.B. (is that for Intimidating Bravado?)…with his defenses up, but his dobber down.

Together they faced off in a war of words absent of trebuchets and with no "punkins" chunked, except those kicked up by the heals of hungry goats as they scavenged the remains.

No gloating, only goating…no melons of malice.

They agreed to disagree as to who rules, maleism or femalism, with the understanding that our solo maleism specimen be allowed to contribute his male-ified theories in spite of being outnumbered from the start (a maleism trait to be commended in itself). It was agreed to hold our melons, our cake recipes and our tongues, in the name of peace. (not "piece," as in cake).

And about the time all agreed to peacefully disburse, came a disturbance from atop the hillside within sight of the "bout." It was none other than Minnie herself, showing evidence of her initial layer of skin molting as a result of her recent Gulf excursion and donned in her best chiffon babushka. All were witness to her (my) rushing trek downhill, all the while fending off the mysterious Tillman UFA (unidentified foreign animal…see Madeline's blog). At the inference of my fate being in danger (or endangered), the aforementioned joined forces and came to Minnie's (my) rescue, much to the dismay of the spectating goats at hand, at which time said goats dropped in a dead faint, hence living up to their given name, and thereby feigning off the mysterious Tillman hyena-like creature.

My thanks are extended to all attendees, blogees and bloggers and the blogless.

Sometimes, in the name of peace (or a piece of cake), we just have to agree to disagree!

P.S. All the stress of the day has forced me to indulge in the consumption of ample amounts of chocolate, which has the ill affect of making all of my clothes shrink by morning. Can't figure out the connection.

Oh Minnie, it is so nice to once again read your words of wisdom, but be wary of the tempting chocolate. Shrinkage may be but just a minor side effect if the cake lady has concocted the sweet mixture.

Be ever on the alert Ducky, it may be necessary for you to swoop to the rescue with the antidote of a sweet fresh fruit from a far away land.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Sun, Aug 12, 2007, at 10:43 PM

I have awakened this morning, totally exhausted by the warfare of last night!

Once again, Minnie has taken arms against a sea of troubles and, by opposing, ended them!

I will spend the morning reviving my feinting and fainted goats, who are quite undone by the efforts required of them upon the ramparts.

We are most fortunate that there are no lives lost in this apocolyptic turmoil!

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 7:19 AM

What's this??? I oversleep and find that our dear Minnie has appeared, waved her chiffon babusha, and appeased the waring bloggers!!! Goat Lady - what shall I do with the left-over Rapscillion Sauce?

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 8:06 AM

Put it in a plastic margerine container in the freezer. Knowing our dear dilatory Mr. Truthy, I feel sure that he will one day overstep his boundaries again, and we will have to thaw out the Rapscillion Sauce for use with a tasty crow pie.

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 4:33 PM

I will always assist the fearless and admirable Ducky in the defense of blogisphere. It has been an honor to beat back the attack with the mere threat of punkin chunkin and bombardment with over ripe melons. Fly high with the eagles our red, white and blue Ducky.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 5:51 PM

Do I detect a smirk on Ducky's beak and a subliminal gloating in Truthy's dissertation? Goat Lady, I fear there is a hint of underlying conspiracy in the making - again! Perhaps we should keep the Rapscillion Sauce chilled temporarily. As only I could detect, it seems the red, white and blue of Ducky's feathers are a simple food coloring concoction...let's hope for a good rain tonight so we can see her true colors! Let's hope Minnie's perception has not been clouded by her crispy eyelids.

-- Posted by letseatcake633 on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 6:35 PM

Oh no, ducky would never smirk. I am a devout accolyte of our venerable mistress, Minnie, and would never disobey in word, deed or thought, an injunction issued by Her Most August Marvelousness. Truce it is. Why, I was even at the state line to welcome Mistress Madeline, fellow blogger, back from the famed Armpit of the South.

I wonder how rapscillion sauce would taste on melon?

-- Posted by Ducky on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 9:30 PM

Mmmm....do I detect a note of contrition in the quack of our previously combative ducky friend?

Perhaps she has tired of her masculine companionship and will once more be a part of our great femalistic movement!

-- Posted by goat lady on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 10:05 PM

Ducky please forgive my uneducatedness but what is an accolyte and venerable. With the language used here it sounds like diseases, but I know better. Please contibute to my knowledge with an explanation in hillbilly country boy terms.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Mon, Aug 13, 2007, at 11:10 PM

Hahahaha! Have at it, Ducky! Explain those diseases to our dear, puzzled McTruthy!

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, at 7:37 AM

Ok, Truthy. Venerable is generally old and wise. Sorry, Minnie. In your case it's "not old, but wise." Accolyte is like a devoted fan and follower. Goat lady got me started talking that way and I couldn't help myself.

And hey Goat Lady! Have you forgotten that it was a certain smallish, hairy, quadripedial ruminant that actually declared this war???? Ducky, being a red-blooded American foul, gamely rose to the challenge. Now that our beloved leader has declared a truce I will go back to being a mild mannered little duck.

-- Posted by Ducky on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, at 4:39 PM

Thanks Ducky, now I can go back and read the posting and understand it. The goat lady's verbal intellect is far above mine. The venerable was worrying me. Happy floating.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, at 5:10 PM

Just who are you calling a "quadripedial ruminant," you degenerate, quacking excuse for a ring-necked bufflehead?

-- Posted by goat lady on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, at 9:43 PM

I am glad that my command of the english vocabulary is so poor. I somehow, not knowing what they mean get the feeling that I would not like being called a ruminant or bufflehead.

-- Posted by I.B. Le Truth on Tue, Aug 14, 2007, at 11:01 PM

Hahaha! As politicians, goat herders, and ducks know, words can be manipulated for their own dark purposes.

A "ruminant" is simply an animal who has several stomachs, who eats grass, regugitates it, and chews it again.

A "quadrapedial" is an animal with four feet.

A "bufflehead" is a type of duck with a large head. (Actually, I had to look that one up in my bird book!!)

So, in actuality, neither Ducky nor I insulted each other!

Isn't English a wonderful language?

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Aug 15, 2007, at 7:26 AM

Well...."degenerate" IS an insult......

-- Posted by goat lady on Wed, Aug 15, 2007, at 7:28 AM

Yes, degenerate is an insult. Bufflehead could be an insult considering I'm more of a mallard, but I'll let it pass in the name of peace - and considering the source.

I love you guys.

-- Posted by Ducky on Wed, Aug 15, 2007, at 12:25 PM

Hahaha! I can't get a rise out of you, can I, Ducky?? That's good. We all need to keep the peace, for Minnie's sake.