The Hostility in this Household Must Stop!

2 Jul 2009

I love having my husband home and not deployed. I really, really do. But, I've found things around the house are always a little different when he's home. Specifically, there are several items in the house which seem to prefer that my husband be far, far away from home. They like me. They do not like him. When he returns, they suddenly disappear. I'm not sure what he's done to them, exactly, which causes them to perform their vanishing act.

But they do. And it's getting to be problematic.

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking for my cooking shears. You know, the scissors that are only to be used for food-related work. A few days ago, I found them hiding in my husband's tool box. The good old fashioned scissors that were placed in the kitchen for, well, purposes other than food preparation, were left untouched. Apparently they don't mind my husband being around because there they were, in plain sight, while the poor, terrified culinary scissors had slinked away under the cover of darkness and closed themselves up in my husband's toolbox, no doubt hoping to remain there until the next deployment.

We have eight really nice steak knives. I love those knives. My husband gave them to me last Christmas because our knives were as dull as butter knives, and I loved that gift. But here too, my knives seem to be hostile towards my husband because I noticed two of them were missing the other day. I was baffled. I couldn't imagine how one could lose a steak knife, let alone two.... Would you believe that I found one outside on a ledge laying next to a severed twist-tie previously used to hold a plant a place? The knife was so disoriented over my husband's presence in the home, it made a break for it and headed outside. It apparently took its rage out on the poor twist-tie, slicing it in two. It was a violent death. Still no sighting of the other knife, and his captured pal isn't talking. Sheesh, they must really hate my husband.

It's time for a talk with the residents of this household, and all objects that reside within it. All of us have roles and responsibilities here. I cannot be expected to skin a chicken with my office scissors. We're going to have to learn to live in harmony with one another, and I'm here to tell you now that these late-night escape attempts will no longer be tolerated.