Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Most Important Blog Post You May Ever Read!

Back when I first started working at the shop, the first major event I went through at the store was a huge sale on the back issues. This was back when I was using my inborn gift for shameless hucksterism--a characteristic which can now be seen daily on this very blog--for evil instead of for awesome, and for those of you keeping score at home, it's the same sale where I convinced at least three people that parting with $1.75 in exchange for a run of EuroHit was a good idea.

I've since repented, of course, but despite my remorse, I don't consider that to be the biggest mistake I made that day. No, that was wilfully parting with what may in fact be the most fantastic comic book ever produced. But today, my friends, another copy has been located. Rejoice! For tonight, I give you...

NINJUTSU!The Art Of The Ninja

Originally published under the art direction of Rich Buckler in 1986 by Solson Publications--the same fine people who brought you Bushido Blade of Zatoichi Walrus--this was a one-shot that was ostensibly produced in order to drum up excitement for Solson's Codename: Ninja, a series that according to the GCD, lasted a mere two issues before being silenced by unknown forces for daring to reveal the truth behind the Ninja's Invisible Art. Truth with which I am about to rock your face.

That's right: Tonight, for the first time ever, the ISB reveals the deadly fighting secrets of the world's most lethal assassins, at great personal risk. There are masters of the fatal arts who would descend on me from nearby Carolina-in-the-Sky University for even thinking about showing you what you are about to see.

But no matter! By studying and mastering the following techinques, you too will be able to join my army of Invincible Super-Ninjas, thus bringing my goal of Total Internet Domination that much closer.

Quite possibly the best thing about this entire book--and believe me, there's a candidate for that honor on virtually every page--is the straightforward, randomly bolded way that it's written, which reads like what would undoubtedly be the best Wikipedia article ever in certain places. In others, of course, the combination of sentences like "One of the most frequently used tools is the rope and grappling hook" and the black-and-white art on newsprint make it read like the world's most irresponsible coloring book.

So really, it's a win-win.

The real important thing about this page, though, is the phrase: "OFt times, Killing was a necessary part of the ART OF THE INVISIBLE WARRIOR," a sentence that we can all easily adapt to our day-to-day lives. For instance:

"Anybody want to hit up Taco Bell for lunch?"

"Oft times, Consuming Three Gorditas is a necessary part of the ART OF THE INVISIBLE WARRIOR."

Try it out.

From this lesson, we can learn two important lessons:

1. Using their indomitable Chi, squirrels can merge their bodies with trees.

2. Simply master the art of shape-shifting, and you'll be a lot better at hiding.

Really, though, that last one's a given.

Perhaps the most crucial part of a Ninja's training is the meditation required to unlock his inner mystical powers--such as flight, freestyle rapping, and the ability to generate wailing, Van Halenesque guitar solos--by focusing on the nine Kuji-In Hand Positions. The one pictured above, for instance, is used to develop your inner power...

...and this one serves as a reminder that even a Ninja must rock out hard. And of course...

...THIS one may be used to signal when you're about to utilize the deadly Diamond Cutter finishing move, which can be hit from 52 different positions. Bang!

Of course, mystical techniques and wailing guitars are no substitute for a sturdy weapon at your side, as evidenced by the next section, Ninja Weaponry. Most of what's in there is common knowledge, but just so we're all clear, I would like to point out one thing:

I'm pretty sure that's the exact set of throwing stars that's available on p. 498 of the current Previews.

So really, that's all there is to it. My advice? Study the information I've provided carefully, and eventually you too shall be endowed with kicks that can kill lions or bears.

I already have the good fortune to be endowed with lion-killing kicks (life's tough in Africa, you know). But I have no idea how to throw a shuriken, so I guess there's always something left to learn...

My face is thoroughly ROCKED!!I will have to kill off my co-workers now just to test these newfound skills! (and to prevent them using said skills on me!)

Actually, I have the Solson Publications of the "Official Guide to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" training manuals.Four seperate issues, each with the corresponding turtles' skill (katana, bo staff, nunchuks, sais) and another issue which gives the basic ninja skills all four turtles utilize.Great stuff!

Second, it would have been much cooler if the ninja cast no shadow -and really, he shouldn't, should he? Did he learn nothing from that "Be Invisible" bit??-, 'cause then it would look like the opponent had wet himself, as it should be.

Don't get cocky Sims, I'll put a bullet in your head while you're busy "meditating".

Your paltry threats mean nothing to a true Ninja Warrior, and by that, I totally mean me. What good would your "bullets"--which I assume you'd "shoot" at "me" "from" a "gun"--be against the secrets of my art? Secrets like teleportation! Levitation! And perhaps the most deadly of all, the dropping of beats.

the basics

"Chris works at a comic book shop so he reviews all the latest releases, but the real awesomeness lies in his ability to find obscure or forgotten comic books and write hilariously sarcastic reviews that make fun of them. They deserve it!"--Blair Butler on G4 TV's Attack of the Show!