Ask Me Anything

My rule of thumb is this: if I’ve just done something horrible, man doesn’t have free will. If I’ve just done something awesome, it was all me, baby.

The key to this issue, obviously, is butts. Adam and Eve were created with butts, even though the first poop presumably didn’t happen until after the Fall. And since butts are primarily used for pooping and butt sin, it seems as though we were predestined to fall. Otherwise there would be no reason to give Adam (and his descendants) a poop chute.

But maybe not. There is no evidence that God is bound by linear time, so maybe He is witnessing the past, present, and future unfold at the same time, and everything is sort of in play all at once. Which is why when I was 16 I prayed that my future wife would have nice bosoms and that God would prevent the Holocaust, in that order.

Let’s not forget it was Bill Gaither who conspired to have Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith come to blows in the infamous 1995 Dove Awards street fight that threatened to tear the city of Nashville apart. Not long after, Gaither broke up DC Talk and attempted to drive Carman out of CCM, but luckily no weapon formed against Carman shall prosper, that’s in the Bible.

@ongreenmountain do you like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch and how much eggnog to drown out Trumpy comments?

b) None. Let the Trump comments wash over you like a warm rain. The ride will be over soon enough, and when we’re falling asleep during a bland debate where all the candidates sound the same, you’ll miss these times.

@ongreenmountain But really, why did they change the actress who played Aunt Vivian on Fresh Prince halfway through the show?

The first Aunt Viv left the show to look for the youngest daughter from Family Matters.

It didn’t work, and they are stuck in 90s Sitcom Missing Character Limbo, with Cody from Step by Step and Mr. Turner and Minkus from Boy Meets World. They are growing old, waiting for Leonardo Di Caprio to arrive and wake them up from a half-remembered dream.

@ongreenmountain Where did all the slap-bracelets go?
If all dogs go to heaven, is that puppy-universalism?
more to come…

and my first job was bagging groceries in a Missouri grocery store called Dierberg’s. The store played 90s pop/rock over the speakers, and this was my first introduction to secular music. As I was perpetually lovesick, I would wander the aisles singing along with this song

and I was convinced that those lyrics, like, meant something, man. Something real.

Oasis.

@ongreenmountain if the rapture would have happened in the 90's, which CCM icons would have been left behind?

Look, it can’t be any worse than my decision to invest my allowance in 1988 Topps baseball cards, which will never be worth anything because every kid my age did the same thing. Don’t forget poor old Dickie, and also don’t forget that he’s NOW WITH TIGERS

@ongreenmountain the underage kid at a family holiday party..does he dare reach for the spiked eggnog?

If he is homeschooled…no
If he is Baptist…yes, and will deny it later
If he has a man bun…yes, but he doesn’t deserve it
If he goes to Christian school…he is already drunk
If he is Presbyterian…this is trick question, Presbyterians don’t believe in parties

@ongreenmountain how can I pregnant introvert who can't drink alcohol cope with holiday parties?

I mean if you are A) pregnant and B) introverted why are you even at the party to begin with. You don’t need a third variable; those two should get you back home, sitting on the couch, listening to your Family Force 5 Christmas CD and working on your Matlock/Sherlock crossover fanfiction.

As for the alcohol, you might find this hard to believe, but I didn’t drink in high school, and I turned out just fine. Just do what I did during the 90s: instead of drinking and having a good time, try Scripture memorization, cold showers, and silently weeping into your pillow.