My thoughts and prayers are with cancer right now, it must be very hard living with Jade Goody.

Jade Goody has recently said that she wants the best quality of life for her children.Well, I guess her dying is a start.

What's the difference between a Duracell battery and Jade Goody?Duracell lasts longer, much longer.

Cadbury's have been slammed for their new Creme Egg adverts after a woman was found in Jade Goody's hospital room with a hammer.

The Goody family has got a deal with Channel 5 to make a documentary on Jade's life and death. The show had to be re-named though, after 50 Cent threatened to sue for the use of his title 'Get Rich or Die Trying'.

And now on Channel 4, a new series of "Faking It". On tonight's programme....Jade Goody

While choosing her wedding dress, Jade was seen to point aimlessly and say, "I want that one."

The milk in my fridge has two days left before it expires.Though you don't see me making a fucking documentary about that, do you?

Jade Goody says she's worried she may not live to care for her sons as they grow up.Well, some things are for the best, Jade.

To maximise her income Jade Goody is launching a spring collection of bags.These new 'Goody bags' come in a variety of sizes from colostomy to body.

Do you know what really makes me sick?Bulimia.

we now return to ask the family. Mr Fritzil where's the rest of them?

Following the success of the West Yorkshire Police in finding Shannon Matthews, the Portuguese Police have gone back to the McCann's villa to look under the bed.

After winning the Junior UK hide and seek championships, Shannon Matthews will now travel abroad to take on the current European Champion, Madeleine McCann. Correction: the current European champion is in fact Anne Frank, who successfully hid for almost 5 years before being caught. Maddie has only been gone about 18 months. Besides, we all know she's buried in the woods.Further correction: Anne Franks record was broken by Austrian Elisabeth Fritzl, who was hidden for 24 years.But Elisabeth Fritzl was disqualified because she had help from her Dad.Further Further Correction: I've been hiding me a child for 32 years! Fuck all of you!!!Further Further Further Correction: Madeleine McCann also had help from her father, so why should miss Fritzl be disqualified?

Thank God for the "save maddie fund." The parents can afford a babysitter now.

What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.

What's pink and covered in cobwebs?Madeleine McCann's bike

Possible titles for the Maddie documentary coming out:-Gone in 60 Minutes While We Were Having Lunch.-The Never Ending News Story.-Catch Me If You McCann.-Live Freely on Charity Donations Or Another Toddler Will Have To Die Hard.-Dude, Where's Our 'Cann?-Everyone Knows What You Did Last Summer.-Murat: Child kidnappings of Portugal for make benefit glorious tabloid of United Kingdom.-The Ring

What's the difference between Smarties and sleeping pills?Maddy wasn't allowed to have a whole pack of Smarties!

Gerry and Kate McCann went to see the Pope to ask if he could help find their daughter.The Pope said he'd love to help but the Catholic Clergy was more used to hunting down small boys.

So we have had an Austrian in the cellar, Shannon Matthews under the bed and now a nurse in the boot.If we find Maddie in the attic, I'm going to patent the board game.

What's the plus side of a costly spring family holiday in Portugal?A cheaper Christmas

Why is Madeleine McCann like a submarine?Both are 10 feet under and full of seamen.

Has anyone thought of looking for Maddie in terminal five?

Computer: £200Internet connection: £30The look on your Gran's face when you tell her the difference between the Pope and Madeline McCann: Priceless....................................... ....................................... ..........................Gran's funeral: £1000There are some things in life which won't get you early inheritance: for everything else there's mastercard

What's Madeleine and the Maddie Fund got in common?Gerry's put his fingers into both.

What's the difference between peas and sperm?Maddie never got used to the taste of peas.

What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and global warming?People still care about global warming.

What's the difference between the McCanns and other parents?When other parents bury their kid in sand at the beach for a laugh, they dig them back out afterwards.

What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and my mountain bike?I don't get my mountain bike down from the hook in the garage and ride it every weekend.

Questions to ask Gerry and Kate McCann, if they hold a press conference in the UK:

1. So, apart from that, how was the meal?

2. Got any holidays planned?

3. Have you thought of going into the childcare business?

4. Which Portuguese policeman is your favourite?

5. Did you check out the Pope's alibi thoroughly? He did used to be a Nazi, after all...

6. How does collecting a million quid in donations to your non-charitable appeal fund help to find someone when you are not actually doing any of the searching or investigation and the whole investigation is, in fact, being funded by the taxpayers of Portugal, the UK, Belgium, Morocco, etc, etc?

7. Why are you smiling?

A local paedophile ring has made the unprecedented step of issuing a statement after being accused of hiding Shannon Matthews for two weeks.They said, "Fuck off - we do have some standards, you know."

First, it was Shannon Matthews' step-dad's step-uncle who was arrested.Then her step-dad. Then her step-dad's sister, and step-dad's mum.Now Shannon's mother, Karen Matthews has been arrested.It's good to see the police clamping down on ugly people.

Karen Matthews court case has just got under way, and the court room has been told of how she lied to police.They listened to her say in the 999 call, "my 'beautiful' daughter is missing."

I can see that Shannon Matthews stepfather has been arrested for having indecent pictures of his stepdaughter.She isn't naked in any of them but you can clearly see her face.

Shannon's parents searched and searched and they never gave up. But no, they couldn't find a decent photo.

This years Christmas present will be a bit of a surprise for Shannon Matthews.For the first time in years, she won't be getting a new Stepfather

In the trial of Karen Matthews, and Michael Donovan the prosecution has alledged that Mr Donovan kept Shannon "drugged, subdued and hidden from the public".In that case, doesn't he deserve some sort of public service award?

The police have released a statement following the arrest of Shannon Matthew's mother. They say they have not arrested her on suspicion of the abduction of her daughter, they are simply investigating how she managed to get five different people to have sex with her in the first place.

Pete Doherty has asked for the biggest, cheapest, dirtiest piece of crack to be delivered to his cell... The wardens brought Karen Matthews to him.

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

Location: New Mexico (If you can find any more empty space, your in Paris Hilton's brain)

Rank: Medium-in-training

Joined: Sat Aug 29, 2009 1:35 am

Posts: 315

Ok here are some lawyer jokes both are kind of long

Spoiler:

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Spoiler:

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide..

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? <

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.A: That's me.Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?A: I'll be three months on November 8.Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?A: Yes.Q: What were you doing at that time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?A: I used to be.Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

That was hilarious. Seriously-gotta tewll my friends that. did u come up with it or did u find it on a website or something?

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

That was hilarious. Seriously-gotta tewll my friends that. did u come up with it or did u find it on a website or something?

A boy about four walks in the kitchen to hear him mom, who was stuffing a chicken, yell "Fuck!" The little boy, not knowing what the word means asks his mother "What does 'fuck' mean?" The mom quickly turns around and replies "Um...Fuck means stuffing the chicken." Later the boy went into the restroom to find his father in there shaving his face. After cutting his chin his father yelled "Shit!" The boy, again not knowing what the word ment asked his father what it ment. His father quickly turned around and replied "Um...Shit means shaving cream." Soon the boy heard his parents start to argue. He entered the room and heard his father yell "Bitch!" and his mother yell "Bastard!" Again the bot asked what these words ment so he asked. Both parents, stared at there son. "Bitch is another way to say woman." repiled his father. "And bastard is another way to say man." added his mother. At about a hour later an elderly couple rang the door bell of the house. The little boy opened the door and smiled at them saying "Hi, Bitch! Hi, Bastard!" The elderly man, angry at the little boy for using such language glares at him and asks "Young man, where are your parents." "Well, Bitch is in the kitchen fucking the kitcen and Bastard is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face."

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested. They are each told they may bring one item with them to jail. The brunette brings her toothbrush for obvious reasons. The redhead brings a deck of cards for entertainment. The blond brings a tampon. This made the officers' confused so they asked the blond why. She answered "On the box it says I can go horseback riding, hiking, bicycling."

A boy about four walks in the kitchen to hear him mom, who was stuffing a chicken, yell "Fuck!" The little boy, not knowing what the word means asks his mother "What does 'fuck' mean?" The mom quickly turns around and replies "Um...Fuck means stuffing the chicken." Later the boy went into the restroom to find his father in there shaving his face. After cutting his chin his father yelled "Shit!" The boy, again not knowing what the word ment asked his father what it ment. His father quickly turned around and replied "Um...Shit means shaving cream." Soon the boy heard his parents start to argue. He entered the room and heard his father yell "Bitch!" and his mother yell "Bastard!" Again the bot asked what these words ment so he asked. Both parents, stared at there son. "Bitch is another way to say woman." repiled his father. "And bastard is another way to say man." added his mother. At about a hour later an elderly couple rang the door bell of the house. The little boy opened the door and smiled at them saying "Hi, Bitch! Hi, Bastard!" The elderly man, angry at the little boy for using such language glares at him and asks "Young man, where are your parents." "Well, Bitch is in the kitchen fucking the kitcen and Bastard is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face."

There was a world convention where all the lazy people in the world were invited so they could find out who was the most lazy. All the lazy people were lying on the floor, some drifting off. The presenter had an idea."Would the laziest man here put their hand up, please." He said, and all but one put their hand up. The presenter asked this man why he didn't put his hand up, to which the man replied, "Too much effort..."

He loved himself! He loved himself, and he just couldn't stop loving himself! All he did all day was eat pie after pie after pie...

after pie after pie after pie...

after pie after pie after pie...

He would then usually get water (in a cylindrical glass) and return to eating pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie after pie....

And so he grew fat.

None of it went to his legs, all to his body. He didn't grow tall, or round, but wide. He looked like a horizontal stick resting on two vertical sticks, it grew so bad!

Finally, after eating 31415926535897932384626433832795 pies, he got sleepy. So as he got up and walked to his bed, he looked into his (circular) mirror on the wall, and saw how fat he was, and was disgusted with himself!

Then he fell asleep.

When he woke up, he figured he had to do something about this. After pondering for a few minutes, he decided to consult one of his friends, i.

i was a fitness nut. All i did was work out and train and anything physical, so he would always be nice and skinny.

So pi walked outside, and i was just there, because he could be!

Pi immediately said: "Hey, i, I was thinking of losing a lot of weight for no apparent reason! Could you help me?"

While i simultaneously said: "Hey, pi, I was thinking of gaining a lot of weight for no apparent reason! Could you help me?"

Yo momma so fat, when she floats in the ocean, god thinks, 'Hm, i didn't put an island there!'Yo mama so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the city people yell 'TAXI'Yo mommas teeth so yellow, a fly walked on her teeth and sung, 'I'm walkin' on Sunshine...'Yo momma is so fat, she sat on the back of a bus and it did a wheelie!I have more, just cba to type right now.

Finally, the young man in the back sees that it's his turn. He prepares himself, and then tries to let one go. Nothing happens. He tries again, fighting to push the gas through his hindquarters, but no go. Finally, he takes a deep breath, and with all his strength, bears down on his sphincter, straining horribly all the while. The end result is a short, pathetic, but perfectly audible squeaker.

The driver and the other man in the front exchange glances, snickering.

Finally, the young man in the back sees that it's his turn. He prepares himself, and then tries to let one go. Nothing happens. He tries again, fighting to push the gas through his hindquarters, but no go. Finally, he takes a deep breath, and with all his strength, bears down on his sphincter, straining horribly all the while. The end result is a short, pathetic, but perfectly audible squeaker.

The driver and the other man in the front exchange glances, snickering.

"Heh. Virgin."

---

*Sorry. I'm told it's funnier with the sound effects.

Wha....why do they have to be gay?

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

Finally, the young man in the back sees that it's his turn. He prepares himself, and then tries to let one go. Nothing happens. He tries again, fighting to push the gas through his hindquarters, but no go. Finally, he takes a deep breath, and with all his strength, bears down on his sphincter, straining horribly all the while. The end result is a short, pathetic, but perfectly audible squeaker.

The driver and the other man in the front exchange glances, snickering.

Finally, the young man in the back sees that it's his turn. He prepares himself, and then tries to let one go. Nothing happens. He tries again, fighting to push the gas through his hindquarters, but no go. Finally, he takes a deep breath, and with all his strength, bears down on his sphincter, straining horribly all the while. The end result is a short, pathetic, but perfectly audible squeaker.

The driver and the other man in the front exchange glances, snickering.

"Heh. Virgin."

---

*Sorry. I'm told it's funnier with the sound effects.

Wha....why do they have to be gay?

It's part of the joke. If they aren't then the joke makes no sense.

How's it part of the joke? Do straight men not fart?

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

It was only relevant to the punchline. A gay virgin has never had something stuck up there, and this (according to the joke logic) would result in an unstretched anus, thereby producing a pathetic fart as in the joke. Of course, this is messed-up logic, but then again so is a chicken crossing a road.

It was only relevant to the punchline. A gay virgin has never had something stuck up there, and this (according to the joke logic) would result in an unstretched anus, thereby producing a pathetic fart as in the joke. Of course, this is messed-up logic, but then again so is a chicken crossing a road.

Ah...I just thought by the use of the term "virgin" it meant he hadn't played the fart game before and so sucked at it

Made by Chesu+Zombee

You thought you could be safe in your courts, with your laws and attorneys to protect you. In this world only I am law, my word is fact, my power is absolute.

Yo momma so fat, when she floats in the ocean, god thinks, 'Hm, i didn't put an island there!'Yo mama so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the city people yell 'TAXI'Yo mommas teeth so yellow, a fly walked on her teeth and sung, 'I'm walkin' on Sunshine...'Yo momma is so fat, she sat on the back of a bus and it did a wheelie!I have more, just cba to type right now.

Spoiler: Please dont be offended!

Yo mommas so fat she sat on the rainbow and skittles fell outYo mommas so fat that when she went to GAP the only thing she could fit into was the dressing roomYo mommas so fat,when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post CodeYou cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.

• °♦ ♥ ♦° .*•. ♫~.•* • °♦ ♥ ♦° .*•. ♫~.•*• °♦ ♥ ♦°

Last edited by SnowWright on Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

...is so poor, she ran into Kentucky Fried Chicken and licked everybody's fingers...is so stupid, she got hit by a parked car...is so fat, she wakes up in sections...is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin...teeth so yellow, she spits butter...is so fat, her belt size is "equator"...is so fat, her blood type is "Ragu"...is so fat, she stepped on a quarter and squeezed a booger out of George Washington's nose...is so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear...is so ugly, she stuck her face out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Ahh, you beat me, I was JUST about to type that one up XD I think that one might be my favorite "yo momma" joke.

I do have another joke though. So sorry, but it's a blond joke. I heard it my freshmen year of college. It's been awhile, so I may not have this completely right:

Spoiler: blond joke

So a blond, a brunette, and a redhead sneak into a barn. The farmer hears them and goes to the barn with his pitchfork, prepared to kill any intruders. The brunette hides in the loft, the redhead hides in a bale of hay, and the blond hides behind a sack of potatoes. The farmer pokes the loft and the brunette says:

"Meow!""Oh, it's just the cat" the farmer says. He pokes the bale of hay and the redhead says:"Woof!""Oh, it's just the dog" the farmer says. He pokes the sack of potatoes and the blond says:"Potatoes!"

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