Science & Technology

ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal.

BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs.

BOULDER, CO—Saying such feelings of desire were observed in nearly every individual they studied, psychologists from the University of Colorado released a report Thursday concluding that it is perfectly natural for people to fantasize about sandwiches other than the one presently in their hands.

MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night.

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

ATHENS, GA—Enumerating the variety of health benefits that result from the practice, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Entomology at the University of Georgia recommends all insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so would feel absolutely incredible.

WASHINGTON—Citing its innate hardness and increased likelihood of causing pain, the Department of Health and Human Services published a report Tuesday revealing that the ground remains the least desirable surface for breaking a fall.

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

NEW YORK—Bracing itself as the 37-year-old opened the app in evident frustration, the status update bar at the top of area man Peter Daigle’s Facebook news feed expressed a profound sense of dread Tuesday about whatever the man was about to type into it, sources confirmed.

PEEKSKILL, NY—Lamenting that she is now inextricably associated with the popular image messaging app solely because of the date of her birth, local teen Caitlin Reese told reporters Thursday that she had no say whatsoever in becoming part of the Snapchat Generation.

HOUSTON—Calling it a privilege to work in such a dynamic and collaborative environment, NASA social media manager Dustin Greer, 26, told reporters Wednesday he considers himself fortunate to be a part of the space agency’s team.

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move designed to streamline the product’s interface and facilitate one of the more common interactions between customers and the ride-sharing service, Uber announced Wednesday that its newest update would allow users to file a lawsuit against the company from directly within the app.

NEW YORK—An alarming report released Monday by the National Audubon Society revealed that, during their lifetimes, nearly four of every five female birds will be sexually harassed by complete strangers lewdly exposing their colorful plumage.

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Sherpa Who Led Neil Armstrong To Moon Dead At 71

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Phurba Dorje, the lunar Sherpa guide who blazed the trail for the Apollo 11 astronauts and made it possible for Neil Armstrong to become the first white man to set foot on the moon, died peacefully in his sleep Monday in his Florida apartment. He was 71.

Dorje, whose career with the U.S. space program spanned more than a decade, carried provisions, equipment, and solid rocket fuel on 13 missions in the 1960s and 1970s, but is best known for guiding Armstrong and his crew to Tranquility Base in 1969.

"Without Phurba's invaluable guidance and sturdy legs, I doubt we ever would have made it beyond Earth's atmosphere," Apollo 11 pilot Michael Collins said of the man who strapped the crew's Passive Seismic Experiment Package to his back for all but the last 20 feet of the 238,855-mile journey. "He was a true hero and a wonderful cook."

Following the well-worn path of his ancestors, Dorje and his two yaks hauled dehydrated food, water, space helmets, binders full of flight schematics, and a large silver plaque commemorating the moon landing as he shepherded the astronauts through their historic journey to the moon. Although his efforts are well documented in internal NASA records, Dorje is largely absent from all photographs of the momentous event, as he was also the expedition's unofficial photographer.

In addition to his roles as porter, guide, dishwasher, valet, thruster mechanic, and general manservant, mission archives show that Dorje waited at the bottom of the ladder to help Armstrong—wearing his bulky, awkward space suit—descend to take his historic first steps. For his part, Armstrong has generally avoided the issue of who was the first man on the moon.

"Phurba's work simplified operations immensely, and he was always cheerful," Armstrong said. "When we launched, I was naturally disorientated by the sudden switch from explosive acceleration to microgravity. But I remember looking over at Dorje, and he was smiling happily as if everything were normal."

Added Armstrong, "He was in his element."

NASA recruited Dorje from a lunar-savvy band of coastal Sherpas outside Cape Canaveral. The small tribe is locally known for its proficiency in high-altitude work and its ability to survive in the harsh regions around the moon.

Recognized for his innate skill at navigating the upper stratosphere, Dorje was chosen by John Glenn to be lead guide on the 1962 Mercury-Atlas 6 mission. Dorje worked with NASA cartographers for months to map out his people's ancient navigational route to the moon, which, until that time, was known only through oral tradition.

The mission was a success, and Glenn became the third American to enter space. But there was one tense moment during the launch when Mercury capsule's heat shield vibrated loose, and the expedition was forced to make camp in the lower mesosphere for the night while Dorje repaired the faulty apparatus. To this day, Glenn credits his safe return to the Sherpa finding an alternate orbital re-entry path with less atmospheric friction.

Dorje's greatest achievement came years later, when he and his two trusted yaks accompanied Armstrong and lunar module pilot Buzz Aldrin to the surface of the moon itself.

"There was no question in our minds who we would take—no one knew the terrain better than Phurba," a visibly moved Aldrin told reporters Tuesday. "And we couldn't have done it without him. He brought the extra rope, the ladder we needed to get down from the capsule, the special ice cream, the Tang, even the hammer we used to plant the flag. We had trained for reaching the surface of the moon for years, but to Dorje it was second nature."

"I know it was a different time, but I still regret that Dorje wasn't allowed to wear a suit like the astronauts." Aldrin added. "He never complained, and he didn't really need one anyway. Phurba was as much a member of that team as anyone. Probably more than [Michael] Collins was."

Some have suggested Dorje may have even prompted the historic and somewhat ineloquent "one small step for man" proclamation. As the story goes, a nervous Armstrong had frozen up and forgotten what he was supposed to say, until Dorje, with typical grace, recited the words to the NASA commander.

"I hope people realize that it was my own nerves, and not Phurba's stilted English, that made it come out wrong," Armstrong said. "Even after all we put him through, he kept it together, pushing the lunar module upright on its struts after we screwed up and landed it on its side. That's the kind of man he was."

Dorje retired from active service after the ill-fated Apollo 13 mission, during which he suffered exhaustion and hypothermia as a result of carrying extra oxygen back and forth to the crippled capsule. Astronauts John Swigert, Fred Haise, and James Lovell credit their survival to Dorje's six trips to Cape Kennedy for air bottles without any breaks for food or sleep. In the film Apollo 13, however, Dorje's story arc was reduced to a pair of two-minute cameos played by George Takei and eventually cut at the request of Tom Hanks.

Dorje's true memorial will no doubt be his contributions to exploring the outer space on whose borders he was born.

"No matter who knows or doesn't know Phurba Dorje, his legacy is clear," acting NASA administrator Christopher Scolese said in a memorial service Tuesday. "His goatskin yurt rests on the moon as an eternal monument, just around a rocky corner from the landing site, where he worked in service to all mankind."