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A lot of people at one time or another have to put up with people in a retail environment. Nothing says, "I want to die; I hate my life," quite like having to assist or serve people who have the collective IQ of a jar full of mealworms (without the mealworms) and make sure that their retail experience at your establishment is a happy and productive one (eg. that they consume). Working retail is a thankless and desolate job filled with misery and pain. I could never work for any extended length of time in a retail setting and therefore have immense respect for anyone who could tolerate the endless barrage of shit that comes assailing from all sides in that terrible situation. The urge to punch necks would be too great to resist.

A lot of the goons of the Something Awful Forums have had the unfortunate experience of suffering through a retail working experience, and they shared some horror stories from their days on the sales floor with the rest of us poor saps so that we could know their pain. Jerks. I couldn't possibly fit all of these tales of woe into one Goldmine feature, so I had to settle for a scanty few. Rest assured, though; these stories are only the tip of the retail iceberg on the sea of greed and unhappiness.

Poster "Sporkboy" started the fiasco with:

FUCK YOU

No, I can't give you a discount, because I'll get fired. No, I can't rewind the goddamn movie. No, you can't have a refill. See the sign that says "No refills?" No, you can't have a refund if you sat through the entire goddamn movie. We didn't make the movie, don't bitch at us about it.

*breathes*

Anyone got retail/minimum wage employment stories of woe to share?

The horrors of the stories that followed have to be read to be believed. Thanks for taking one (many) for the team (consumer pigs), guys. We're pulling for you. Or something.

Orbital: At my old job whenever I walked in to my bosses office his cock was hanging out the side of his shorts. It happened way to many times to be a coincidence, and I was making minimum wage so I just quit.

NeutralBot: When I worked at Walgreens they would run a sale called "Dollar Days" and as the name suggests there were items on sale for a dollar. Anyway two days after this sale was over it was strangely busy. Two people called in sick and we were short handed. I hate dealing with people so I worked in the back organizing all the merchandise and unloading the trucks when they came. Since we were short workers they put me in front and made me work a register. Many customers were complaining about the line being slow.

I don't normally work register and I had to bag their stuff myself so I was trying to be as fast as possible. Then this old lady comes up. I ring up her stuff. As I am ringing up I notice her looking at me like she is waiting for something. I tell her total and she grins sarcastically and tells me "I don't think so." And I kindly reply "Excuse me?" She then stands up straight and looks me in the eye and informs me that all those items I just rung up were a dollar each. I tell her that she is mistaken. So then she puts her big granny purse on the counter and starts rummaging through it slowly. She pulls out the sales paper and says "See" in a snotty pissed off voice. Then she basically pushes it in my face. I look at it and I say "Oh I see." A smile comes across her face, and I continue my sentence with the same snotty/pissy voice she gave me "... that this sale was two days ago." Then this silver haired warrior grits her teeth and tells me that she will get those items at the sale price. I told her she will when the next sale comes up. She keeps on saying she will, and I say no. People in line are getting pissed off.

Then she said something about me being disrespectful and ignorant and that I don't know how to treat the elderly and the right thing to do would to give her sale price and not discriminate against her since there was a sale. I tried telling her there was no sale. She said the same thing again. I lost it at this. I yelled really loud "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET THE PRICES OF A TWO DAY OLD SALE NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY STORE YOU OLD BITCH!" Right when I said this the manager was walking by. He quickly came over and grabbed my arm. It would have been the perfect time for him to say "YOU DO NOT DO THAT!" He just told me to go back in the stock room and he took over the register. I guess I would have gotten in trouble if he wasn't good friends with my dad. Maybe the fact that my dad is the district manager had a factor as well. Oh well, damn Walgreens.

So I feel your pain about those damn bastards who harass retail employees. Damn them all.

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.