This is going to be the last thing I write for Catalyst Athletics. It’s actually going to be the end of my whole journey in the iron sports. I didn’t think I was ever going to say this, but it’s time to finally get it over with.

I’m giving up weightlifting, and everything involved with it. Training, competing, coaching, all the work and the sweat and the pain…screw it. I’m sick and tired of it. After all these years, I just can’t see the point in lying to myself anymore. None of this stuff matters. Nobody cares. The whole barbell world is a big jerkoff, so I’m done. You should all quit too. Stop acting like this is important. Grow up, give up, and let it all go.

I refuse to continue being uncomfortable. Training is hard. It makes me sweaty, sore, and achy. I go home at the end of the day and I look at my cats. They’re all curled up in little balls on my bed, snuggled in there nice and warm, just snoozing the day away. The only things they’ve had to worry about all day are eating, sleeping, taking massive dumps in the litter box, and licking their own buttholes. They’re living the life I want. You think they spend one minute of their day obsessing about their snatch technique? No way. I don’t see any ice bags on their knees. They don’t lose any sleep while they’re trying to get athletes ready for a big competition. None of that crap. Food…sleep…dropping timber…butt licking, how the hell did it take me twenty five years to figure this out?

I’m done writing too. These are the last words I’ll put out into the world. Just like training, it’s too much hassle. I know some of you like to read my stuff and this might disappoint you. If that’s the case, here’s what you need to do. Print this blog post, take the paper copy, roll it up into a tight little ball, and ram it into your anus. That should close the door on our time together.

And don’t think I’m quitting just because I’ve decided I have no interest in working hard anymore. That’s not the only reason. I want to spend more time with the things that really matter to me. No, I’m not talking about my family. I don’t give a rat’s ass about them. I’m talking about the midgets. I’ve been neglecting my little friends for way too long. I’ve been pissing away my time lifting weights and writing for years, when I could have been with my midget brothers and sisters…watching them do gymnastics, riding around on dogs, all the special moments I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember. No more, people. I’m gonna stop wasting my time with this ridiculous weightlifting garbage and I’m buying a one-way ticket to midget paradise.

My athletes don’t know about this decision yet. Many of them will probably be upset that I’m not going to work with them anymore. So if any of you (my athletes) are reading this, let me say something that should make this news a little easier; I’ve only been pretending to care about you. It’s actually torture for me to be your coach. I only seem happy and enthusiastic because I drop acid before I show up at the gym. That’s the only way I can numb the pain of spending time with you.

It feels good to quit. I wish I would have done it a long time ago. In fact, the joy I’m getting from this is going to be the beginning of a new phase in my life. I’m not just quitting weightlifting. I’m going to give up on everything that requires effort. My job, my marriage, cleaning myself, all of it. I want to exist in a state of complete laziness. Everything that sounds like it might require me to exert myself is going straight in the toilet.

I hope these final words inspire some of you. We need armies of quitters out there. Please, follow my example. Embrace your inner scumbag. Look deep into the eyes of all those people who depend on you and walk away from them. If you start to feel guilty about abandoning them, just focus harder on how good it’s going to feel to stop applying yourself. Make this the first day of your journey into a new world…a world without accomplishments, goals, or dreams.

Or don’t…what do I care?

It’s a special day for all of us. You should mark it down on your calendars. April 1st, 2013.

Adios, and go screw yourself.

And by the way, everybody who does CrossFit is a retard.

Matt Foreman is the football and track & field coach at Mountain View High School in Phoenix, AZ. A competitive weightliter for twenty years, Foreman is a four-time National Championship bronze medalist, two-time American Open silver medalist, three-time American Open bronze medalist, two-time National Collegiate Champion, 2004 US Olympic Trials competitor, 2000 World University Championship Team USA competitor, and Arizona and Washington state record-holder. He was also First Team All-Region high school football player, lettered in high school wrestling and track, a high school national powerlifting champion, and a Scottish Highland Games competitor. Foreman has coached multiple regional, state, and national champions in track & field, powerlifting, and weightlifting, and was an assistant coach on 5A Arizona state runner-up football and track teams. He is the author of the books Olympic Weightlifting for Masters: Training at 30, 40, 50 & Beyond and Bones of Iron: Collected Articles on the Life of the Strength Athlete.

Never liked you anyway and the only reason I let you write such shit here was so I didn't have to come up w articles so often. I hope your little friends are all disease vectors.

Jindra

2013-04-01

Hell yes! Just quit and all the CrossFit businesses is a scam and money-making business! Let's get fat and be weak to get on aboard with Obamacare which it will take care of us for everything!

Brian

2013-04-01

A pretty good April Fools' Day article. Of course, the note about people who CrossFit is probably true. Hmmm...

Aaron M

2013-04-01

Hahahaha yes! I quit too... I'm tired of having banged up shins, callouses, sore everything, constant hunger, and people at the gym threatening to kick me out for dropping weights. Fuck it.

WORKAHOLIC GAL

2013-04-01

Who needs Crossfit? Anyone with a pea for a brain can come up with hard intense exercises FOR FREE!!
Keep writing I enjoy reading your articles.

Bah-la-kay

2013-04-01

I'm still trying to figure out the midget reference.

Frank

2013-04-01

As you transition out of WL, just remember not to lick your butthole as you are dropping timber.
Thanks for the yucks. Keep up the good work.

Salty

2013-04-02

You could now fit in perfectly in the Arab world. Ever think about living in Saudi Arabia? People take pride in being as lazy as possible?

Tim

2013-04-02

Wait! You have cats?

Dustin

2013-04-02

well if that's how you feel, you can just stay home and lick your own butt then

Nic

2013-04-02

This is outstanding. By the way, if you have any unwanted pets...his door is always open. To them. Not you. You're probably a prick.

Phil

2013-04-03

Hahahahahaha
Best April Fools I've seen this year.

William

2013-04-03

Hey Salty. Im not an Arab or Suadi. I actually defend your dumbass overseas. Stupid comments like that perpetuate the problem and hinder US military utility in the world. I guess "salty" fits. Watch what you say. Its also bad busniess for Greg. Thanks

Salty

2013-04-04

Sorry to shine a negative light on your business Greg it was not my intent.

David

2013-04-04

Ha, that was pretty good.

jessica

2013-04-09

so, i know i'm a little late but i read this and was all..."oh my gosh what a butt hole, literally." then i was all "oh it was posted on april fools, duh." either way i still love you salty.
jess

Thomas Hardy

2014-01-15

Priceless, couldn't have said it better myself! If you ain't training, you ain't gaining!

Sky Banks

2014-01-18

This article gave me rhabdo.

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