I am sorry it has been so long since I posted. I have been really down lately. I went to the doctor on Thursday and we adjusted my meds so we are "waiting and seeing". He also recommended I get a depression workbook. So after my appointment Boyfriend and I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up this book:

I spent the morning taking "Your Depression Inventory" (pg 39) an was amazed by just how depressed I really am. My therapist mentioned that he thought I was holding back. I have been - more than I know. The only thing I scored low in (1 out of 5) was "I think about killing myself." I don't think about killing myself. I don't have a plan in place. But then another question came up, "I want to fall asleep and never wake up." Now I have said that many times; I never thought of it as suicidal thoughts. I just think of it as being really really tired. According to the book it is one and the same. (Boyfriend agreed). This means I have been lying to myself and my therapist all this time! Not on purpose - but it is deepeI than I ever imagined.

I am supposed to take this inventory every two weeks as I work through my recovery. I am so scared that I am beyond hope. Frighten that I will figure out it isn't worth it. Maybe I am meant to be a depressed,anxious, angry person! That is what drugs and alcohol are for right... oh yeah... I stopped doing things that were "bad for me".

I used to have a "problem" with pain meds and alcohol. I have been clean for some time now - but the urge gets very strong sometimes. My doctor asked me if I was taking any drugs other than my meds. I said,"No. I wish I were sometimes, but no." He then made me take a urinalysis tox screen for drug use. This really made me angry. I am not using. I said I wasn't using. You are making me feel like an addict... wait. FUCK!

It was the first time I was ever treated like an addict. I hid my addiction pretty well from most people. I never got an intervention (although I probably needed one) and I was never ever told to pee in a cup to see if I was telling the truth. I know now that is why it pissed me off so much. In that moment, I was an addict. I was hurt that even a stranger wouldn't trust me to tell the truth. I wanted to go home and take a pill and go to bed. In that moment I wanted to give into my addiction to get away from the feeling of being an addict. That is when I realized I had to start taking things seriously. I was on a dangerous road and about to swerve into incoming traffic. That is when I decided to go to the bookstore and buy that book.

I will keep you posted on everything.

P.S. I am officially on unemployment and a full-time house monkey for the next 3 months. I am excited about that!

1 Response to "Starting from Scratch"

I want to give you tea and wrap you in a cozy blanket and let you cry to me as long as you need to. I wish I could do that.

I hear and understand; I have been there. That's the best I can do. Email me anytime you want (link is on my blog). It's a shitty hand to be dealt, but while I wouldn't call myself "recovered" (I still have dark times.), I am infinitely more well than I was 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago.

Breathe in, breathe out. Don't do anything self-destructive in between the breaths. Ask for help, even when you feel like you're not worthy of help. This will change.