Wife is unwilling to shoulder burden of mother-in-law’s care

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is 80 and in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She lives alone an hour and a half from us. She also has a professional who takes care of her once a week. My husband, “Fred,” goes to help and entertain her every weekend, and I sometimes accompany him. She has enough money to stay in an assisted living facility, but Fred wants to build a mother-in-law apartment for her on our property.Abby, I DON’T LIKE HER. She was a bully when she was younger, and she’s still manipulative. She has made some comments about me hitting her, which never happened. Of course, Fred believed me. If she lives with us, I will be her main caregiver because I have a home-based business and a flexible schedule.I have already said no to Fred’s idea, but I don’t want to be the bad guy. His two brothers live states away and don’t want to be involved because of the way their mother treated them during their teens. Fred is the only son willing to overlook past issues and has made peace with her. Could you help me to sort this out? — THREE’S A CROWD IN MARYLANDDEAR THREE’S A CROWD: I’ll try. Caring for someone who has Alzheimer’s disease is a full-time job because the disease is PROGRESSIVE. While Fred’s mother can live alone with the help of a professional once a week now, that will soon not be the case. She will become increasingly helpless and so confused that should an emergency arise in her apartment she will be unable to think sequentially enough to know what to do. She may no longer recognize who you are and become agitated and combative.For these reasons your mother-in-law should be in an assisted living facility staffed with caregivers who have been trained to take care of people with Alzheimer’s. Because you have a business to run, it can’t be you. Since Fred has made peace with his mother, he should visit her often to ensure she is well-treated. But he should NOT expect the responsibility of caring for her to be yours because it is unrealistic.DEAR ABBY: My wife likes to leave money hidden in the house or car as her little ATM. The problem is, one or both of our teenagers discover her stashes and the money disappears. We have had a family meeting about it, yet it continues. I have argued for years with her that part of the problem is leaving money around, not cleverly hidden.My wife blames one kid who she wants to kick out, but what if it’s the other? Now she’s blaming me for not solving the problem. Yes, it’s terrible, but she has fed the impulsiveness and refuses to change her ways. She wants us to be on the “same page,” but that usually means her page. Any ideas? Family counseling? — DAD IN THE MIDDLEDEAR DAD: Your wife may want to place the blame on you, but there is more than one problem happening in your household. The first is her insistence on leaving money where it’s tempting a teen (or two) who steals. Second, you don’t know who is taking the money and what it’s being used for. Third is your wife’s idea that a quick fix would be to throw a dependent child out.It may take the services of a licensed marriage counselor to mediate an agreement between the two of you to work cooperatively together. If your wife needs money, the only ATM she should use is one that’s connected with your bank rather than the cookie jar. Your teens should both be tested for drugs and evaluated for emotional problems. After that, family counseling might help you all communicate more successfully with one another.Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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