~ my chill out zone, everything goes…..

Author Archives: Jarrai

I am writing this post while listening to John Legend’s new album-Love in the future. Listen to it; he has some really epic songs on there, really, go try it.

Maybe I love this album because of all its lovely positive songs, maybe because now my heart and head have settled and are ready to pursue whatever life throws at them. Maybe because I have found myself again, maybe because life can sometimes give you a helping hand and God comes and picks you up when you feel all alone, maybe because I feel this is the beginning of some good. I feel ready.

Strange, I hardly saw myself as someone who was good at “waiting”. Actually am not, am pretty impatient but I have learnt to listen to the voice in my heart and head. I’ve also learnt to not be too pragmatic, this is the hardest bit. By nature, am too analytical, but life is not black and white. Time and experience have made that crystal clear.

On a normal day, I am madam go-getter; there is nothing I cannot do. Blame my mother for making me believe am a super hero. I do not lack in confidence. But I am terrified of sharing the “inner” me completely. I mean completely entrusting my heart, body and soul to someone else. I owe a lot of ex’s an apology. I am verysurprised at this, because I always thought I was giving “all of me” when I was with them. Self reflection has revealed the real truth. My inner self is life crushingly shy and guarded! There you have it, am an extrovert living in an introverts soul, I am never the wall flower in any kind of situation, I have opinions and they will be heard. I believe in standing up for myself and others. I am not always vocal about it; I can fight my battles without saying a word.

On the flip side, when my guards come down, which is very rare, I feel naked, vulnerable, scared that I am not in armour. I know that I can’t really profess to giving my all and doing my best unless unless am willing to share all of me. In this private space that only a few have seen. It’s a sanctified place, filled with shadows of “lessons learnt”

One step at a time, the beginning is the best place to start. I am a little scared, but not enough to not live the life I want. The Lord is my grace, my light, my guidance. I take all of me and give it to him. In him all is possible and all is well. I know life has no guarantees, even in this crazy world; we cannot wrap ourselves away so we are safe. Tomorrow may never come, today could be all we have. Now is the time, now is the beginning. I am ready!

My friends think “am nice” but they are my friends so they are biased. Just to dispel my near heaven angelic status, here is the tip of the iceberg of what I don’t like:

I don’t like “snobbery”. The kind you see with people with “new” money, we all know that really rich people don’t have to demonstrate how really rich they are.

I don’t like “I know it all” kind of people, they just talk too much without realizing people have stopped listening.

I don’t like “i got no balls” kinda people, they say one thing when they clearly mean something else, not correcting you when you make the wrong assumption, knowing fully well you are reading from different hymn sheets.

I don’t like lying kinda people, but I can tolerate them, hey…we are all a bunch of serial liars to get through life, it’s necessary.

I don’t like “I keep a grudge” kinda people, frankly they are too dangerous to hang around with, one minute you are walking down the canal together and next she remembers something you did a century ago and accidentally trips you up, and since you never learned to swim you almost drown.

I don’t like ugly shoes. It’s a criminal act.

I however like gossip. Don’t judge me, life is boring, and I know you all have twitter, facebook, instagram, tumbler and keek (don’t get me started on keek!)

Mainly because everyone has an interpretation of what it means and its limitations. I confess i can be very liberal. I was raised to treat people as I wanted to be treated.

In my humble opinion, we should be allowed to make the most of what we have and who we are if we are not hurting someone else in the process. In recent days, Gay marriage has been legalised in the following 12 states in the US:

Massachusetts

Connecticut

Vermont

New Hampshire

New York

Maryland

Maine

Washington

Rhode Island

Delaware

Minnesota

The District of Columbia

Thirty-six states have gay marriage bans through either laws or constitutional amendments or both.

In Britain this year, The House of Lords voted in favour of the gay marriage Bill by 390 votes to 148.

in Africa, the stories are much worse, being Gay can have you imprisoned or killed. It boggles my mind because we have so many more pressing and much more deserving issues our countries should be pooling resources towards. They are struggling to provide the most basic of needs but no, what two adults choose to do with their lives is apparently paramount. In most African countries, governments cannot provide:

Clean water/ proper sanitation for their citizens

Education for its population

Employment opportunities, you have to know someone to get a good job most of the time

Good Healthcare is for the elite few, African presidents leave their respective countries to get good medical health services abroad.

Electricity is like bingo, one minute you are enjoying a night in front of the tv, next minute pah, surrounded in darkness.

The list is endless. instead of tackling this, we raise our voices, carry machetes in the street and beat gay people to death or lock them up. While we are busy doing this, we accept

Killing each other is various wars. War is king

Our children dying of hunger, malaria, HIV, malnutrition

Improper education or complete lack of it

Corruption at every level of our governments filtering down into society. Every leader and their friends and family fill their pockets when in power, the pot is ever empty

Extreme poverty has become part of the fabric of our society.

Of a nation where governments do little, and sufferings of all kinds is evident in everyday life, we choose to add more to our afflictions. Fueled by religious doctrine and cultural zeal, it is hugely offensive to be African and Gay. Your family will die of shame, literally. The usual suspects of arguments, in no particular order are:

It is not part of our culture, we have to preserve our culture

It is not christian, muslim (insert prefered religion)

It is sick, disgusting

They should do it privately

It can be cured

It’s an abomination (this one is particularly a favourite, comes up every time)

We cannot accept it because it is wrong, simple

Why are you defending them, are you gay (this is normally when tempers are about to flare up, mine included)

It’s not natural

All of these opinions, to me, are not valid reasons. But oppression never made any sense, It is based purely on superiority and self-importance.

Lets start with religion for it is the first that is normally thrown out of the box. Sinning is part of the human psyche, if you are religiously inclined, you will understand this very well. Human beings are inherently flawed. So much so that God had to give us specific instructions to keep us from maiming one another, but we still stray, a lot. In reality, we are constantly straying. If sinning is part of human existence, and being gay is a sin, well God made it so. At this point, the word blasphemy is thrown at me, and I am told that one cannot be Muslim/Christian and be gay, one must choose. Now this I find particularly intriguing. Making decisions for God sounds very blasphemous to me. God is not exclusive to anyone, however, just to understand their own practice of God’s words and his rules, when I enquire how many of them have never cheated, ,lied, stolen something, fornicated, taken the Lords name in vain, bear false witness, slept with someone’s wife/husband. No one, can counter argue that. Because everyone has fallen foul of breaking at least one rule that God considers sinful.

The argument progresses to, its not natural. Marrying your cousin to me is not natural and some cultures still practice this, polygamy was a natural part of our society once upon a time, christianity changed that, so what was once natural became frowned upon, but in muslim homes it is a norm. Natural is relative.

Then then there is it makes me sick seeing a man/woman and another man/woman together, always followed by , we cannot accept it because its wrong, simple. Well, i can tell you a few things that i find sickening too. When a mother is turned away by doctors because she doesn’t have money for treatment for her child, that to me, is the abomination, when money is put before life. Yes, there are many things that are wrong in this world, but, we still accept them and move on.

Its not part of our culture. Please. We choose culture when it suits us. Culture is history, we make it, we can un-make it. Killing twins was a cultural favourites in some African villages, circumcision of women and sewing their vulvas to keep their purity is also another cultural pastime. Not pretty is it?

Using culture or religion for one’s own personal pursuit is an old story. We all know it’s hypocrisy. Feeble excuses.

Sometimes i think it’s a losing battle, i will never win this argument. You cannot change people’s convictions easily.

We put so much effort into discriminating against a small minority with so much hate and so little validation. I should be surprised but i am not, because tribalism is rife in Africa. Your surname is either a chain or a crown. Something to be revered or put down for. We have not fully accepted one another. Each country believing they are better, each tribe beating their chest because they are sons of kings, each family trying to out do another because some distant grandmother is of royal descent.

Why are you defending them is normally saved for last. I am because i believe that we should all have the right to love and live freely, it’s that simple. Yes, i am expecting too much. Maybe because Africa will always be my home and i find it hard to accept that amongst all its struggle there is another one added. And i know we cannot be free until we each take a good look at our own transgressions and address why we feel, our own sense of righteousness is the only way. Maybe because my children may suffer the same ordeal of discrimination of who they will become.

I hope for change in a place surrounded by bleakness and hopelessness, but i continue to argue, not to change all minds but at the very least, to make one person listen, because “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed” Martin Luther King, Jr.

Before this moment, i was a complete full fledge member of the romantic brigade. I believed in forever afters, flowers, butterflies in my tummy when he calls. Talking on the phone all night long, and still missing him when he says goodnight.

Alas, all of that was knocked out of me, and not gently, i was walloped so much my heart froze up. Replacing soft flutters came big strong walls, you have to be a giant to get through these gates. I needed to be in between these walls, for my sanity’s sake. I needed me more than i needed someone else. It took me a whole year to come through to the other side.

First there was anger, and boy did i want to kick the shit out of anyone who came near me, shamefully i punished some that were just unlucky to be in my way. Next came regret, why did i give so much of me when i had nothing in return?, I vowed never again. Then resentment, i was ashamed that i could let someone else make me feel so useless, i felt needy and was ashamed of this need. Then reflection, i had to really look back at where my pain originated, where i lost my way, where trust gave way to lies, when i made the wrong choices, when i stayed when i should have left. When i should have known better. Then came forgiveness, i had to forgive myself first because i realised i was more angry at me than at anyone else. I was angry that i let myself down and didn’t love myself as much as i loved him. Then i had to forgive him. The past has to be resolved for the sake of my tomorrow. I let go completely. Then came submission and prayer to God, it’s only in him i will find what love really is. In him, it will be clear what i need, with him by my side will this heart be strengthened again.

I had to fight every day to let go and not be angry, i cried, i was sad for a long time, i prayed every time my heart felt overwhelmed. I talked to God when i felt alone. And he guided me every step of the way. I don’t believe in the love society sells, the ones that people make you believe is what you need, the perfect couple stories. I don’t believe because i have seen the cracks, heard the cries, seen the fights and felt the pains whenever i was near. I know that we all have what we want, what we need. I realised what i ceased to believe wasn’t love, it was the notion of what love is. I was taught we had to work hard for love to work, relationships had to be given time and courtship helps feelings become stronger, bonds are made stronger. That’s a lie. When love dies and we stay we stay for selfish reasons. Fear of being alone, fear of failure, fear of starting all over again all on our own. Who’s to say the next guy will be any better? So we choose to stay. We choose this for ourselves. This might work for some of us, but if love is really what you desire, it’s a prison sentence, it’s hell, it’s unfulfillment, always feeling you can do better but staying because the devil you know is better than what may be out there.

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations. Khalil Gibran

I believe now, that when you find the one you are meant to be with then you will know. There will be no doubt in your mind, he will bring out the best in you and you will want to be better than you are. You will care beyond what you thought you were capable of. You will forget the love in the books, your love will be all that matters. We all fall down, heart breaks are part of the preparation, a right of passage. We must always strive to find what is real to us. We must live and love with all we can. When you go through life giving only so you can receive, you will only get as much as you give.

When you give because you think it will make life better, in honesty, you get more than you give. You inherit blessings. You inherit happiness. You inherit love.

God Shows up when we think there is nothing more we can do, our situation is dire and all we see is darkness and despair. Hands tied, we accept this is it. Until he shows up and reveals that he can make a way where there seems to be none.

I am humbled, amazed, grateful and totally in awe that he will choose to come to the assistance of little old me.

Today is one of those afternoons that I have nada to do. Zilch, zero, nattin. So am here, thinking out loud. As you all know the devil likes idleness, especially an idle mind. I had a fleeting thought which went like so

Are you happy?

I had to think long and hard. Actually my hesitation brought on another thought, why are you not happy which means am unhappy right?

I haven’t been particularly over the moon lately but am not unhappy either. I feel ok, just ok. That feeling of “settling” is beginning to become familiar. I don’t particularly care much about much. Now this is a double ended sword because I find the things I use to find annoying are not so annoying because let’s face it, sometimes we stress about very petty insignificant matters. It also means the things that I use to find thrilling have lost their pazaaz.

It is a kind of purgatory and nothing feels too bad to despair about, which is what would normally have propelled me to want to change my situation.

Not this time.

So for now, I am here in this holding pen until this cloud turns into thunderous rain. Oh yes, I know this is the calm before the storm, I just have no idea what the winds will blow my way.

I just did a 3 day master cleanse, i know it’s not really a proper cleanse but just the kick my body needed to start my health kick. I was sooooo hungry lol!

I am having my first proper meal, all made up my me, i like to dabble in the kitchen. I enjoy experimenting with my food, so today ladies and gents, we are having prawn and orange roast for dinner! orange roast because all the ingredients look quite bright!

February is my favourite month because it’s my birthday month. Last year I did not celebrate my birthday because I was turning 30 and freaking out about it. This year is different, I am looking forward to it, no need fighting the inevitable and to be honest I have a lot to be thankful for. I started this year well, I feel more grounded, less flustered and even when I am unsure it is not fretful or restless. This can be as a result of many things but the main thing is that I am happier. I listen to myself and take my own counsel, I listen to my heart closely and I live by this quote from my favourite person “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou.

Sometimes, we make excuses for peoples behaviour because we build relationships based on mutual understanding, respect, love and friendship. That person becomes a part of us in a way, we let them in when we would cloak ourselves to the rest of the world, we trust them, completely. Any indiscretion on their part can be devastating, so we try and tie up the broken bond, patch it up, put a plaster on it, knowing fully well that the hull of the ship has a big gaping hole and it’s just a matter of time before it sinks.

This is hard to admit and even harder to let go of, so we hold on, for all the wrong reasons. Instead of confronting the situation and working to rebuild the damage done, we keep silent or pretend it never really happened. All because we are scared that we may lose them, even though holding on in this toxic situation means we will lose them and in the process lose ourselves too, which is much worse. I have thought of all the friends I have made along the way, some lost either through distance or action, some still around but not so close in spirit, and some unlikely new bonds. In my younger days (yes I am allowed to use that phrase now) I will worry about ‘fixing’ what I deemed as broken in my life, however, as I have been lucky to experience it, it takes two people to break any kind of relationship, so needs two people to fix it. And I am only one piece of the puzzle.

“Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend – or a meaningful day.” Dalai Lama

Life is a gift, it should not be travelled alone, or spent pondering on regrets on what we could have had or done, it should be filled with precious memories, and it should be enjoyed with what we do have, now. We should live the life we want to live if we can, and be grateful for every single second.

This year has been a mixed bag for me. I got a lot, more that I actually imagined and for that I am grateful to the Almighty Allah. I feel very blessed. I also didn’t get a lot of the things I wanted,I guess life is not always cut out the way we want it, which is ok. Always knowing what’s coming is not always a good thing.

So in a nut shell I learnt the power of prayer and perseverance. I also learnt the art of waiting for the right moment, because life is unpredictable. I learnt people never tell you the absolute truth, that’s just how people work. We all do it. I learnt it’s very necessary to know and love oneself entirely selfishly because charity begins at home. I learnt friendship can take many forms and it sometimes comes disguised as the enemy and vice-versa.

The biggest lesson for me however is that sometimes God takes control of the wheel, so we can rest our anxious souls. Life is a journey, not a race. The grass may look greener on the the side, that means they have a load more shit to deal with! Be thankful.

Live and let live…… And spread a little kindness while you are at it. Here is to another year. Happy Holidays