living without alcohol, living again

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Saying no

Friday I went to the therapist and again I am astonished by me saying ‘No!’ when he opts that I slow down a little in my speed of talking. Ghegheghe, I have always thought that I was such a confident women. But only/already 14 months into sobriety I am starting to notice that the word ‘No’ was not in my vocabulary. With my therapist I noticed that I have always felt like ‘not good enough’, that I needed ‘fixing’ and ‘better listen’. It is funny how I, after learning to set boundaries in booze land, find that the concept of boundaries is spreading through my life. So I said no to the therapist on needing to slow down. I did listen to what he had to say, however I kept my hands in front of my face and said ‘no promises’ first. Funny thing, those hands. Just noticing it for logging purposes but I found that listening is easier when I do not have the feeling that I am checked for facial reaction. Which is not important in the story, the important thing is that I knew I had to learn something and found a way to learn it with my hand shielding my face.

It was a Feeling – medical care – day Friday so I also went to a osteopath (type of person) who pushed some vertebra in my back and neck in place. The result was GOOD! I went from 45 degree angle of lifting my arm from my frozen shoulder up to 135 degree. Good :-). The result is lessened now after a few days but I will be repeating this in 2 weeks. I find it a very scary treatment. I cried because I was so scared, but I do know I need to do it in order to improve my shoulder. I also asked her to wait with the treatment until I could relax. That took longer than she had expected but I took my time whatever. Because that is the only version of how I can do it without damaging myself. There are a lot of versions I can do something, there are only a few which are without damage.

I never knew my self-care was so low. Yesterday I cancelled an appointment for today because ‘I did not feel like it’. I have never ever done that before in my life. I actually told my date ‘I miss calculated the time this weekend and I would really appreciate to postpone the meeting. He was ok with it. ‘That’s ok’ he said and he meant it. NEW!!!

I find it important to think, feel and write about this because I think that a lot of my drinking was related to the yucky feeling of somebody breaking my boundaries of me letting somebody break my boundaries or me not setting any boundaries or me breaking my own boundaries. I think the concept of boundaries was never even there. The right to say no, the right to care for me, I was ‘not good enough anyhow’ so why would I have the right to have boundaries?

Something funny: I was staying at my SIL, she cooked onion soup so I questioned: ‘Are you going to put alcohol in that?’
‘Yes.White wine but the alcohol gets cooked out.’
And there was this split second where I decided; maybe, maybe I should be a little firmer. So instead of saying ‘Oooh, gosh, eh, could you maybe make a wine-free soup for me, possibly?’ I said: ‘I don’t want that. Can you make a second pot for me?’
‘But the alcohol gets cooked out, the children eat it as well.’
‘Yes. But I do not want it. It is not a problem to take some out and put it in a different pan is it?’ (That was still a question but a firm one.)
‘No, no, it is not.’
Same conversation at the table with the kids around. ‘Why do you have another pan with soup?’
‘I do not want the wine in the soup.’
Kids reply: ‘But the alcohol is cooked out.’
‘Yes, but I do not want it anyhow.’
‘Oooh.’
‘I do not even think I would like the taste.’
At which my brother replied: ‘I can imagine you do not want it.’ Which was funny because I never told him I had to quit. But I guess my SIL did. I never asked her not to, and I guess her need for solace lead her to speak with him about it. Which I can imagine.

It is strange, all in all. Specifically after being there the last time where my SIL offered me a glass of wine. I feel that I am somehow being sabotaged but there is no bad intent, and I do not feel subconscious bad intent either. It is just strange. And maybe I should leave it at that. The only thing that could possibly cause this tiny clash of intent is her feeling awkward with me ‘being an addict’. So the subject is still ‘in the air’ attracting situations that ‘play it out’. Or is that explanation too vague for your liking? 🙂

I don’t know, I have to learn to deal with it. My first reaction is that it makes me feel unsafe with her. That hurts and makes me feel scared and doubt whether there is a safe place in the world. It makes me feel very alone because the one person who ‘should’ (?) understand and care is the one person who is offering me booze. 😦 Last time I was angry, now I have the possibility to stay with the feelings that pop up. This is what it is, loneliness, unsafety, betrayal, hurt. Not big time, but…. well, it is there. I assume when I ask her or tell her she would feel very stupid.

Is it stupid? Yes/no, the stupidity is not in the action, the action is the result of not being able to deal with it and the tension which this creates. The ‘stupidity’ is in the running away from the feeling of unease my ‘disease’ creates in her world. Then again, it is not on a daily base that your SIL and one of your best friends come up saying ‘I was addicted to alcohol’. I can imagine that takes some getting used to. It took me 30 years to admit it so … Maybe one of these days I should take some time to speak with her about it. Ask her what she thinks, feels. I would guess she feels betrayed but I am guessing that betrayal is part of her standard feel/mindset so she does not notice. So yes. I should speak with her at an appropriate time.

I am happy that I quit. I very much appreciate becoming less reactive to my feelings. NEW> Being able to sort of notice ‘Hey, I feel hurt now.’ instead of ‘THIS HURTS SO MUCH I CAN NOT DEAL!!!’ Also, there is something moving in me which I think is important where my inner world becomes more important. NEW! I guess I can see some of you look surprised at this text wondering ‘How can this navel-staring blogger get even more into her inner world?! But I can, it is strange. It is this world that when you fall asleep you (I!) enter into. I am scared that I ‘go nuts’ because this world is, well, obviously not the world where the normal people are. But I also feel a big, big pull which says ‘The Answer’ is there. Not sure what the question is yet, something to do with Life and my destiny. I want to go there, I feel one leg of mine is in the normal mental world an the other leg is in the other world. It also feels like a sort of process which will work itself out. No action needed, just recognition, acknowledgement.

Aah, also: my therapist is very skilled in walking the metaphysical world. I am not sure what that means in official psychological terms but I translate it as ‘he can feel through the air’ and ‘he uses his existence (?) to feel where the other is’. I can actually feel a non obtrusive, intelligent ‘cloud’ of energy investigate my ‘aura’ / my existence. Yes, sorry to those who know what this is about for the possible unprofessional description of this. It is about that which is between people and taking that seriously. Most people do not pay attention to it but it is that feeling / knowing that you (I!) have when picking up ‘vibes’ from others. I think I’m pretty sensitive to those vibes and that I am a sort of radio for them without having the ability to tune. Which is not good. Need to learn there.

I take: Ayurvedic pills. I spoke with my brother by the way and he had an awful self experienced story on the Ayurvedic doctor I am visiting which really makes me doubt the character of the man. But the pills and the dietary thingies are really making me feel better. Let’s see how this develops.

What would a women who loves herself do: she would hahah, go to the toilet instead of wanting to write this all out. 🙂

I want: no wants. 🙂

On discipline: I find that I have more energy now I set my boundaries a little better and that makes it easier to do chores.

3 Things: having a lovely weekend with my niece and nephew, visiting some more family. Being really relaxed because I ‘have a job’ so I have real free time. :-), writing this blog.

This is so weird because I KNOW I responded to this post! Oh well, it must have gotten lost in cyberspace somehow. Or I just THOUGHT I clicked Send.

I think it’s really great that you stood up for yourself. This made me think of learning French…there’s a long time period in the beginning when you just have to be willing to sound like an idiot, willing to make mistakes, willing to feel foolish. That was hard for me, but once I realized that was the key, I really REALLY started making progress.

I’m happy to link this through your story with alcohol! We have to learn how to become non-drinkers, learn how to stand up for ourselves, learn how to set boundaries, learn how to say no.