Month: July 2015

I remember many many sleepless night and lousy day back in my young day. I remember when I get mad easily and yelled at my mother like she’s the one who should take all the responsibilities of my problem. I can’t even remember if there’s any fine day when I spoke or showed any affection to her back there.

Since my mother died, I’m contemplating too much, I spend too many time of feeling guilty and worthless. I’ve become so sensitive and worrying if there’s any chance of me hurting or taking people for granted. Its all because she’s gone before I even realize that it’s too late to ask for a forgiveness and say that I love her.

Such a lovely feeling to have, eh?

I think it’s my own way to redeem every glance of mistake that I’ve made before. And by far, a year has gone and I’m still grieving about it.

Forgiving is a hard thing to do, it’s like allowing people to hurt you, like saying “Okay” when somebody tries to do bad things to me. Our native instinct gives us an awareness, a pure defiance of protection. We don’t want to fall so our body has their own system that won’t let us fall. Self-alarming, self-defense, a prevention.

Now how to forgive if we know that those actions would hurt us in some way?

Start with forgiving yourself and accepting your flaws. Accept the fact that we are not flawless, we had an anger, we say a bad word, we hurting people consciously, we forgot, we hold a grudge, we curse, we are weak.

We human does so many mistakes it’s impossible to redeem all of them in our short brief lifespan. Carrying a luggage full of guilty won’t heal any wounds nor erase anything in the past. We just trying to believe that punishment will somehow make us feels better, made us stronger. The fact is, no, it doesn’t.

Punishment pushed you far from the tranquility, I’m so worried that I’ll hurt my dad the way I hurt my mother so I took all my belongings and moving out. I refuse to talk to my family simply because I don’t want to say any bad word with or without my intention in it and make them feel bad about themselves. Months passed by and I spent most of my day alone and thinking and thinking and thinking about my past mistakes.

I smile and laugh once in a while but you know, I’m so restless I don’t even know what the hell am I doing there. I’m so tired of being restless but I never had a chance to sleep well without any bad dreams involves. I never know how to relief. To take a deep breath feels the tranquility and let things go.

I’m not here to say its okay to be reckless and unthoughtful. To shout anything in our mind without thinking about will it hurt anyone who listens or not. I’m just saying, being too sensitive added by carrying a luggage full of guilty won’t take you anywhere.

I feel like I wanna write so many things on blog lately since I had barely no where to shout. I had few close friends but they’re still human with tons of problem and I had to put them first before me so our curhat session always ended up with me, listening and nurturing them with my wisdom craps.

The thing is, I don’t know what I feel now. I’m ‘skipping’ Hari Raya this year simply because I don’t feel like I want to celebrate it. I feel like I’m not worth enough to jump into the crowd and mass euphoria. So I spend my hari raya by eating Indomie Soto Ayam and watching television alone while my father and the rest of my family celebrating it in another province.

I think I’m depressed. I know its so damn exaggerated but I think I am. I can’t feel anything anymore. I’m not sad but I’m not happy, I don’t feel like I’m in an excruciating life but I’m constantly feel like I need more sleep, I need more time to be away from my daily life and routine. I’m just in a state of feeling nothing. Numb.

Do I search the source of problem yet? I do, I’m trying so hard to figure out why do I have to be such a pretentious bastard whose act like she had nothing on her shoulder all the time, smiling and being funny like there’s no problem in her life. I’m doing excellent at work, at social life, amongst my friends and family. I reached out the figure they’re always bragged about; successful Nani with endless possibilities of career path.

I’m still figuring out but by far I only can tell that its all driven by a loneliness. I’m telling you this, I-Always-Accompanied. In my 24 hours of life, I effectively awaken by 7am – 2pm. In that time range I’ve NEVER being alone. Either I’m at work, or my friends comes and taking me out or I’m taking extra hour to work until late night at the office and yet at the end of the day I still feel all alone and strange when I’m lying in bed. I maximizing my time to not to be alone because I’m afraid with my own head when I’m alone.

Just like now, I’m writing shit since I realize that no matter how busy I am, no matter how many things I do in a day, or how exhausted I am after doing all of those things, I will always ended up in this state: feeling nothing caused of unknown. If its not a depression, then tell me what it is and how to mend this shit that already took almost all of my sober age.

I don’t know what I want, I want to step out but I want to stay. I want to change but I don’t feel like I want to. I want to go out from this city and starting a new life but I already know how its gonna end. I want to stay but I’m running out of reason of why.