Month: October 2015

Having a mantra is important to me and my stability. There is no particular process I use in picking my mantra other than stating what I am feeling and what I want to accomplish.

This week my mantra is to Sink Into Life.

It came about because the weather is dreary and rainy and I am super exhausted. It’s like I can’t rest enough or catch up on good sleep. I have a marriage, house, full-time job, and 2 kids to raise so regardless of how I feel, I must continue.

And also, the sun rises no matter what, so I thought:

Why not just sink into this day, regardless?

By sink in, I mean:

Being OK with being tired

Embracing the rain

Expressing that I am tired, and trying my best without apology

No guilt about my feelings

While this sounds simple, it is actually pretty difficult for me. Usually, I will fight and fight and push and push and get super frustrated at my circumstance. Then, that will cause me to be miserable. When miserable, my anxiety spikes because I want soooo bad for energy to come my way. Then, I’m mad because it’s not there.

Next thing I know, I’m even more tired and the day is ruined.

So, instead of fighting, I am simply sinking into the day. I dressed comfy. I didn’t spend a lot of time on my hair because it’s raining outside. I’m not going to over-do it at work – I am just going to do what needs to be done and that’s all. I’m watching the leaves turn outside while drinking coffee and writing here about my experience. In a few moments, I am going to feed my Spirit and read my Bible. I’m OK with not feeling inspired today. I’m totally cool with just enjoying the day and not fighting it. I’m OK will being tired because there is not much else I can do about it.

Somehow I graduated with a Bachelor’s – BBA, Management with a 3.4 GPA. This is the girl who had to take remedial math just to take college courses and pulled a C in Finance thanks to my friend sitting next to me. And no, I didn’t cheat to get my GPA completely – only in Finance because current events tests from newspapers all over the Globe was worth 60% of our grade for some damn reason, and my friend just so happened to be obsessed with those kinds of things. Sidenote: over half the class failed because of those impossible current event tests so I had to do what I had to do otherwise it would cost an arm and a leg to repeat that class for absolutely no reason. Didn’t learn doodlum squat about finance.

Anyway.

That said, math and finance are not my strong suit although it may look that way on the outside- College Degree in Business (ahem, numbers) + career in office admin, accounting, marketing etc. etc. etc. Most of which I abhor.

The great news is that I am up for hire as a Financial Guru! Yes!?

Because I know that $.99 (2 liter) is greater than $1.69 (20oz).

Math skillz and financial skillz – I got’em.

Nevermind the stares from people*possibly* thinking I was rude drinking straight from a 2 liter. I think it’s rude to charge nearly twice as much for the smaller size, thank you! And anyway, manners really hasn’t gotten me far in life. My kindness has, not my manners.

Which, as hard as I have tried to do so many things, and be the best at everything, not-giving-a-damn is a truly, psychedelic experience.

My brain tells me I have to do this, I must achieve this, I HAVE to be super woman.

My heart tells me to just be. My heart says that the Universe and Heavens will take care of me and to just let it.

Love and compassion will flow and be accepted, but the external circumstances that I try to control aren’t even mine to control in the first place.

Making the right choice, enjoying this moment, and realizing that I am enough just as I am, right in this instant is immensely simple, satisfying, and freeing. Getting to this point has been living hell, but very much part of the process to getting here in the first place.

I certainly wouldn’t describe this as Enlightenment, but it is a very different place than I have ever ventured before. I’m excited about it and really uncomfortable at the same time.

One thing I know to be true:

If you are excited and uncomfortable, you should probably go for it or embrace it anyway.