Gallant admits U.S. election has left him feeling ignored, excluded

Fredericton — In the wake of the U.S. election earlier this week, New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant said he’s been feeling left out of the news, the public eye and politics as a whole.

“Any time there’s some big global event, I’m the first one everyone forgets about. Uh, hello, I’m still here and I’m still as important as always,” moaned the premier. “This is just like high school when everyone had a prom date but me, and Mom had to throw me my own prom in the living room.”

Gallant said he tried to hold a last-minute “special” cabinet meeting on Tuesday night, and — as predicted — not a single minister bothered to show up. “They said they were all going to the bar to watch the election on CNN. I was like, ‘You guys aren’t even American so why should you care what happens?!’ They said it could affect issues in New Brunswick, but I fail to see how that’s possible. And then they didn’t even invite me!”

Our reporter asked Gallant if it’s possible he’s envious of Trump’s notoriety. “What? No way!” he scoffed. “If I’m jealous of anyone, it’s Trudeau. He’s a Canadian politician just like me, but everyone thinks he’s sooo nice and diplomatic. What has he done that I haven’t? I mean, other than wander around without a shirt on. Pfft… what a showoff.”

The premier, who spent Tuesday night sulking in his bedroom and watching Black Mirror, said he needs a lot more attention than the people of New Brunswick realize.

“They elected me, and now they don’t care if I have anything to do on a Tuesday night. No one invites me out because they think I’m too good for them — and I am — but I still get bored. I’m only human.”