Weeds s06e09 Episode Script

To Moscow, and Quickly

Previously on Weeds. I'll lead in the Godmobile. You follow. We gonna sleep in that thing tonight? Tonight, and the rest of our lives on the lam. Any idea where she might be? I want to see those washers going 24l7. This family's gonna make hash. Lots of it. Won't that be nice? I'm in charge of Avi. - You guys are a bad influence. - What? You're not a bad influence because you're a drug dealer. That's right. You're a bad influence because you're a bad drug dealer. I've just reached my limit of deep outlaw shit, so I'll see you later. I don't want to be here forever. Fine. You know, I got to say, I think the Holy Spirit was actually moving through me. You don't listen. Do you need someone to make you? You got laid. I want to stay here for a while. Piece of shit slut whore! Did you have a good night? - Shit. - Yeah. Did you have a good time fucking someone else's husband? Inside! Inside! So, what I'm saying What we're saying, really, is We'd go inside the dispensary ourselves, but since you're the supplier Cut out the middle man. Yes. Our operation, we go from state to state, spreading our message, a sometimes gooey, baked message of hope, - to sick children - All people in need. glaucomic people, people in other states less progressively minded than Colorado. We just want your trimmings, stuff you'd be throwing away anyway. - We pay extra. - While we're spreading the word. So, you're drug dealers? Pretty much. Cool. Nebraska. Only state with a unicameral legislature. The birthplace of Kool-Aid. Not something you learned online. Come on! Six days! What did you see? I saw a nun driving a pick-up truck. Okay, better. Keep observing. Let the road be your school. Watch, listen. What's that smell? Stevie. - Go change him. - I always change him. No! I sometimes do, don't I? Do you even know what size diaper he wears? I'll figure it out. What happened to your arm? I dropped my keys in the porta-potty, tried to get them out. There was a raccoon in there. Punched him out. - Shane? - Yeah? Is there something you want to tell me about Stevie's poo? - You mean that green color? - Yeah. I figured it was normal. Why? Is something wrong? It's, like, radioactive with gross, stringy things in it. Do you think he ate some hash? - Did you feed him some hash? - No! No. Silas and Shane, they pooped weird colors, but not green. And not at this age. No, I want a pediatrician. Like legitimate, on the grid? I know what you're gonna say. "It's too risky" and "ride it out." I know all the reasons why. Insurance, the forms, our shitty fake IDs. - Yeah. - Maybe I'm overreacting. Okay, you know what? Okay, you look at it. You tell me. Go ahead. Okay. We need to see a doctor. Okay, sell as much as you can. We need gas money. Silas, you're in charge. Shane, listen to your brother. Doug, stay in your tent. Ten-four. Silas. Really. You're in charge. Okay? - Phish. Dave Matthews. - O.A.R. A Widespread Panic tribute band called Run Squirrel Run. Might as well call it the All-You-Can-Smoke Festival. Yeah, right? How the hell are we gonna sell hash at a kids' concert? Actually, this might be okay. Mom, it's starting! We're gonna miss the bubble machine! Just one second, honey. Give me that shit. Thanks. Enjoy the concert. $25. I thought you said $15. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. - I'm confused. - We're done here. Hey. Maybe I should sell and you should sit over by that tree. Come on. He flaked. That's the third sale you've balked. Have a seat. Guard the safe. What? You heard Mom. I'm in charge. 'Cause you're older. Because I am more responsible and have better interpersonal skills. You freak people out. We don't have to do whatever Mom says, you know. Okay. How do you propose we get gas money? I don't care. I want to drink beer and eat stadium food. You're not my boss. You're right. I'm not. And I have very little desire to be. So you know what? You lead. Really? - Where to? - Follow me. Should've gone for a Semite, or at least an Asian. We're taking a big risk here. Never thought I'd find myself back here again. At least they let you pay cash. - Boring. - What? "Patient's name: Avi." No. "Clovis Ludwig McKenzie-Newman." God, you used to be more fun, you know that? Mischievous like a minx. My child is sick. "Mother's occupation." There. You know you want to. Skydiver. Interesting. I was gonna say home wrecker, but skydiver's way more positive. Probably safer. Father's occupation is scrappy do-gooder, or hunky alpha male. Roving sex god. - Dead. - What, dead? That's easier. Dead. Easier than what? Saying I'm alive? Who said anything about you? I'm the dad. We've clearly established that. - Sure. For now. - Excuse me? For now. You're totally the dad. Daddy Andy. Not dead. See? Look. I'll write, "Randy Newman, dad." Diplomat. Cultural attache. So wait, are you Just so we're clear. Are you saying I'm here on a temporary basis? That you're what, planning some other imaginary future without me? You said be creative. Are you ready to bounce, boogie, shake it and do the twist? Come on, let's get up and dance! Her name is Medusa. So we're gonna tell Stevie what? That I'm his uncle? I don't know. We'll figure it out when we get there. And in this yet to be determined "there," do you picture me having a wifelDanish lover, Femke? Living with us in one of those polyamorous free-love situations? Or are we gonna do more of a joint custody sort of thing? You take weekdays, I take the Sabbath and all major U.S. holidays. It's all totally possible, except for the polygamy thing. Polyamory. 'Cause I'm just I'm confused about the rules here. There aren't any rules. But there are. 'Cause clearly you're allowed to fuck people. Married bartenders. But me, no, God forbid. You can whoever you want. Be my guest away. Okay, I will. Working on it. - Good. - Yeah. See that nurse over there? Done. - Femke. - What? Danish lover. Yeah. 'Cause the women in Denmark are Danish. And the men, too. And I'm gonna live in Denmark someday, as long as I'm not in some American jail for aiding and abetting. Since when do you plan to live in Denmark? Since forever. That's my Moscow. My Shangri-la, my Pittsburgh, my Candy Mountain. Have you never read any Russian literature, you uneducated woman? - Dance major. - Shut up. I've read stuff. I figure five, 10 years tops, left, before I start my real life. Unless, I guess, I'm raising Stevie. Am I? - Raising Stevie? - I don't know. - So - I told you we'll figure it out. - When? - When we need to. You mean whenever you've found husband number four and all of a sudden I'm back out in the cold. I never I'm not a substitute teacher, Nance. I'm invested. - I need to be a part of this conversation. - Andy 'Cause I'm already a part of this kid's life Grab Stevie. We can get to the door in less than 10 seconds. Nathalie Newman. Nathalie Newman? Here. So you're a Zoobie Woobie. Understudy. Yeah, the lead singer's taking a "personal week." Hepatitis. This opening band sucks balls. Tell me about it, right? I mean, a song about fruit salad? Eff that stuff sideways. Because "eat a papaya" does not rhyme with "join the choir." Okay? It doesn't. Rhyme butchers. - What do you guys sing about? - Animals. Morality. - Nice. - Thanks. My grandpop used to sing songs about this lamb who offed his dad and shtupped his mom. And in the end, the lamb throws himself from an overpass to escape his sins. Kind of like my grandpop. Yeah, you see, that That is what I'm talking about. Tiny pretzel? I like to lick the salt off a pretzel. - Then I put them back in the bag - In the bag? And people eat them. They don't know I licked the salt off. People are stupid. What the fuck, Andy? Yeah. It's all good out here. Jovial atmosphere. I've made three friends. All bitten by the same spider. They're convinced they're gonna turn into superheroes. I haven't had the heart to tell them about sepsis. It was a small picture, right? And what kind of bullshit station is that, anyway? Hey, do you like cartoons? Here. - What? - Nothing. It's fine. Everything's under control. How's giraffe doctor? Larson? We've only seen the nurse. I hate doctors' offices. This was stupid. This was a bad idea. Okay, Clovis. Let's see that tush. I can sell you beer but you can't drink it inside the stadium. Silas, you want peanuts? I'm buying. Sure. Peanuts, please. - That'll be $20 even. - Rip-off. Just pay the guy. - Fuck. - What? It's not here. - What's not here? - The money. Shane, you said you put it in there. It's gone. Are you fucking kidding? I gave it to you. Did you zip your bag shut? I think so. Stop eating the popcorn! Guys, we got a line. I'm really sorry, but Look, little dude. Pay for the popcorn. Or I will blow this rape whistle. And then punch you. Here. Thank you for your patronage. You owe me 20 bucks. You owe Mom 400. So, red, white, those are your danger colors. Green, less so. So good to hear right now. You have no idea. That said, I'm looking at his chart and I'm concerned about his weight. He was only 6 pounds, 2 ounces at birth, so Yeah, but you wrote here he's been going to bed between 7:00 and 10:00? It fluctuates. We've been traveling and seeing the country. You know, I skydive myself. Once a year on my birthday. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah, well So, you're not breastfeeding? Formula. And what about his mood? Normal. He's generally alert, responding to your face, smiling? He He smiles. What do you mean? Well, we're gonna catch him up on his vaccines, and I'm gonna prescribe a high-caloric formula. It's the same as regular formula, mix it with water. And I recommend sticking to very regular hours when it comes to bedtime and feeding. You know, it's essential for infants' regularity. Keeping the same routine. And the key is eliminating anything that can be stressful for the baby right now. Loud noises or instability, or domestic issues. Babies can sense these things. And, of course, there's the larger lifestyle choices. What's going on? What'd he say? Nothing. Stupid old man doctor. It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! Keep looking. I can't find it. It's not in here. We're gonna have to retrace our steps again. There's nowhere else to look. We checked all the trash cans. Somebody probably threw it away. It was in a plastic cup. Which was not my idea. Hey! Sorry. Give me my beer. Give me 5 bucks. How about a panini? Find the cash, you get a beer. Maybe it's under that dead bird. How about you give me my beer, and I don't tell Mom you're applying to college? What are you talking about? We live in 8 square feet of space. You're reading Huck Finn. We have no more secrets. Don't touch my shit. It's cool. Do what you want. It's a contingency. In case Mom decides to drive us in circles for the rest of our lives. Now, whatever. You're telling me you don't have a backup plan? No. The road is my school now. This dumpster's my classroom. I'm learning from this wasted panini. Okay. You follow your path, I'll follow mine. Come on. We're never gonna find it. And I need another beer. Soviet beast we've been driving gets 4 miles to the gallon. Mom's gonna kill me. Well, then you better find her some gas. National Center for Missing Persons. How can I help you? Hi. I'm calling in response to one of your posts. I think I I saw someone, maybe. Which case? Botwin, Nancy. Long hair, brownish. I forget the other one's name. It was It was a baby. Please hold. Federal Bureau of Investigation. God. I think that was her. This isn't working. I can't raise Stevie in the back of an RV. Yeah, I agree. I love the road. No place for a baby. It's not like I can just settle down and play house somewhere, because, oops, I've got a fucking AMBER Alert out on me. Right? Where did that come from? That said, I thought the picture was good. I don't have any more options. Everybody up my ass. And now I got this fucking doctor telling me Stevie needs check-ups and shots. And I just I'm so done with this country. We need to go far, far away. Copenhagen. Complete opposite of America. Yeah. Copenhagen. Capri. Capri sounds nice. Okay. Look, I'm going to Copenhagen, with or without you. So either you can hitch your wagon to the Andy and Femke train, or you can raise Stevie alone, on the run. Is that some kind of ultimatum? Hear me out. Nordic people. Very peaceful. Extremely low crime rate. High quality of life. Universal healthcare. Open-faced sandwiches. Bikes everywhere! I've done Google Street View. It's like Santa's Village. I even got a neighborhood picked out. I don't know how to pronounce it. It starts with an "R." Their core value Get this. It means coziness. As in relaxed. Sedate. Stress free. Copenhagen. Copenhagen. We're gonna need passports. Okay. Yeah. Could be tough. But okay. Lots of money. - Well, we'll sell lots of drugs. - No. No. One big sell. And it's done. Wow. Okay. - You serious? - Moscow. - Elsa - Femke. Whatever. And so wonderful, wonderful. What? You once said that to me. I did? Yeah. Take responsibility for your actions. Be a hero. Yeah. I can't. I can't. The fumes. I'm gonna be sick. The whole family is depending on you. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Grab the car's nutsack. I'm a hero! I'm a hero! Yes! Yes. I can't taste my beer anymore. You did good. Thanks. Thanks for the blowjob. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Go like this. Nice. Somebody had a good time. I'll deal with that later. I lost the $400, give or take. Nice work. Nice work, Silas. Must've fallen out of your bag when you left it unzipped so anyone could reach in and take it. Asshole. So, what's next? Another concert? Pioneer City part two? Mom? Copenhagen. But one more stop first. My sister Nancy. What a big fucking surprise. This These are mine. They're They're all, like, a work in progress, like me. I'm divorced. You're cute. I'm sorry. What was the question? Michigan. Right, right. Michigan's boring. Tell me about yourself. Okay. Dad worked for Ford, just like everyone else within a 30-mile radius of Detroit. Mom drank a lot. They're both dead. The house? It was a total shit box. Really. But I don't know. I liked it. It was cozy. There was this mermaid mailbox that my dad made. Take a right. Up here. Up here.