Monthly Archives: September 2012

Here’s what Girls creator-star Lena Dunham said when asked if she worried that the lead character she plays on her semi-autobiographical HBO series would be sympathetic enough to grab an audience.

“I don’t always like myself, or all the people on TV,” admitted Dunham. “Also, why can’t 25-year-old women make miserable mistakes like Larry David?”

What was most memorable about Ms. Dunham’s response was not only that it was unrehearsed and honest (you spend enough years in show business and you can tell when celebs are blowing smoke up your keester) but the reaction she got from the her fellow Sublime Primetime panelists of 2012 Emmy nominated writers (almost all male) on stage at the WGA Theatre with her. They LOVED her for it. So much so that they broke out into spontaneous applause, along with the rest of the audience, in one of the few exchanges of the entire evening of speakers that anyone will probably ever remember.

One of these is not like the others…

That was a far cry from the previous awkwardness of these middle-aged guys when the nervous moderator among them finally had to ask her a question. At almost half their ages and, well, a lot more stylish, it felt like they didn’t know…uh… what the heck to make of her (personally I loved the black and white polka dot dress, pixie haircut and arm tattoo that read “STAUNCH” in honor of Little Edie from “Grey Gardens” fame but hey, I am a gay man). Plus, they looked afraid, very afraid – as if she were the future and, clearly, they would have no part in it, at least not in a starring role.

Perhaps this is nonsense and I’m reading into it. But…I don’t think so. Yet Ms. Dunham was not the only one in the group that made everybody a little uneasy that night. There was also Matthew Weiner, creator-writer of Mad Men, the series that put AMC on the map and won him six of his nine Emmy Awards, including the Television Academy’s statuettes for best drama series four years running, that is until this past week.

Okay, maybe nervous is not quite the word for what they felt towards Mr. Weiner. It could have been equal amounts of respect, awe, fear and, well, maybe even a little jealousy. Yet whatever it was quickly began to dissipate when he made some of his own confessions about the cultural phenomenon he created. When pressed to analyze the success ofashow that doesn’t seem to have a particular genre and, therefore, no strong marketing demographic, Mr. Weiner didn’t appear to have an answer until the panel and audience’s uncomfortable silences gave him a long moment to think of one.

“I think its commercial uniqueness,” he said of Mad Men, “is that it doesn’t have a formula. More than any other show I’ve ever worked on, people’s (the writer’s) life experiences wind up on the show unaltered.”

Shameless excuse for another picture of Jon Hamm

And that proved to be another seemingly unrehearsed answer that actually felt real, especially if one considers Mad Men was indeed turned down by every commercial and cable network several times for just that kind of uncategorical reason before it finally found a home at the then fledgling AMC network five years after Mr. Weiner had written it as a spec pilot (and admittedly right before he was convinced it would forever wind up in his drawer as the lovely writing sample it had functioned as up until then). Also, like Ms Dunham’s response, Mr. Weiner’s answer was particularly memorable for that evening because the idea of writing a successful TV series NOT in a specific genre or WITHOUT a certain demographic seemed almost counterintuitive to what everyone on the panel and in that room of would-be writers had been hearing about TV for years from studio executives, market research studies and more than a few professors (though, hopefully, not this one).

Still, rather than the spontaneous applause given Ms. Dunham, Mr. Weiner’s answer was met with a long, immeasurable dose of awkward silence where, much like an episode of Mad Men, everyone had to stop and think. This was probably the second most memorable response of the evening and might have even given Mr. Weiner a bit more of the already ample cultural gravitas he enjoyed prior to the time the evening began.

So — Why spend this long on Ms. Dunham and Mr. Weiner?

Well–

Simply as an illustration of how easy it is for two clear WINNERS of one evening to become two clear LOSERS of another (And in the same week!). Yes, I’m talking about the Emmy Awards. Because when both Mad Men and Girls failed to win a single trophy on 2012 Emmy that night, and that’s exactly how both Lena Dunham and Matt Weiner were categorized by the media and, perhaps, by more than one or two of us. THE big losers of the night. The people who went home empty-handed. The race-horses who were bested. Who were no longer thoroughbreds. At least by the latest (American?) standards. Yes, that’s how quickly the tide, or perhaps in this case, worm, or perhaps even more apt – stomach – can turn these days.

Do these look like losers to you?

I had the great mis fortune…uh…honor (?) of being in the audience at this year’s Emmy Awards and witnessing the Dunham-Weiner downfall. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s certainly fun if you’ve never been or if, like me, you spent your entire childhood preparing for the next award show and reserved the prime spot in front of your family’s television months in advance. Plus, who doesn’t like something nice and shiny (assume you too are winning or will win one, because this is part of the fantasy, let’s face it) that you can use to prove to yourself and anyone else who asks in perpetuity that you’re truly wonderful?

Except after the time I spent with both Ms. Dunham and Mr. Weiner several evenings before I couldn’t help but feel, well, — sort of sick to my stomach through parts of the Emmy evening and for days after. This feeling began to painfully increase when I went to the Governor’s Ball and found myself seated beside not one but two tables of the cast and creators of the BBC’s much-lauded Downton Abbey. Both of those tables also had zero.zero Emmys between them – though the show did chalk up one supporting actress win for the unstoppable Maggie Smith (who was not in attendance and whose award was, somehow, nowhere to be seen). Still, because it’s DAME Maggie Smith, THE Maggie Smith, a venerable acting institution, that didn’t seem to really count as a true Abbey win. And it certainly didn’t stop a group of many of us naysayers from saying and even believing that technically, on Emmy night, those stuffy period Brits, for all intents and purposes, really had been shut out (that’s double goose egg again if you were keeping count) and that we Americans had emerged as victorious over the dominant British crown as we had almost two and a half centuries before.

We’ll let Shirley speak for us in Season 3. USA! USA!

But back to Ms. Dunham and Mr. Weiner. As if the lack of awards for them weren’t already enough to make them the cultural losers of the night, there was even more indignation yet to endure. Spotted in a Prada dress on the red carpet, Ms. Dunham was lauded in many tabloids in the next day days for also being the fashion LOSER of the evening (they didn’t see the cute black and white polka dot dress on the panel I saw!) while Mr. Weiner was reported on as being THE morose and drinking loser of the fall 2012 awards season, along with the rest of the cast and crew of Mad Men. This happened when more than one media outlet reported Weiner and company were spotted licking their woundsat an undisclosed restaurant or hotel location far away from the confines of the festive (AND VERY RED!) Governor’s Ball.

Red with envy?

Note: Truth to be told, I actually saw Mr. Weiner and his wife hurrying out and walking against the crowd from the Governor’s Ball just as the rest of us poor schnook audience members were being ushered in. He didn’t look happy but neither did he look suicidal. He simply seemed like a guy who had enough and wanted to leave before he got trapped among another crowd full of people who would demand a suitable reaction, or perhaps even a pithy response, to one of their inane questions when clearly there was none.

Considering all of the above, I offer this observation both for you and for myself. It is very worth noting, especially if you’re any kind of creative person – whether active, aspiring, studying or retired – that today’s designer outfit IS tomorrow’s thrift store reject –which will inevitably come back into style the day after that as retro chic — until it’s worn out its welcome and lands in the trash bin once more, only to be recycled again if yet someone else decides its hip and cool and groovy.

On the other hand, there ARE classics that never go out of style. Ms. Dunham and Mr. Weiner are two of those. And there are a lot more if you go looking for them (look in the mirror and you might even find one). They’re not always the latest thing, but that doesn’t take away from their style, workmanship or lasting appeal to the right audience. Nothing and no one tempts anyone on every day of the week. Except sex , pizza, a nice glass of wine and maybe Angelina Jolie. Though I’ll bet at least two, or perhaps even three of those, have their naysayers.

Below is a copy of the Chair’s Emmy liveblog (for those of you who weren’t religiously following along, wink).

If we’re keeping score, looks like the Chair went 6 for 13 in his Emmy predictions, which as you know, is infinitely better than Mad Men’s 0 for 17 (did we mention, ouch??). Relive moment by moment (Jon Hamm references!) right now:

I knew awards shows were getting out of hand when several decades ago my Dad started asking me for inside information. This was because Las Vegas bookrooms were posting odds and taking bets on the Oscars. We had a few good runs over several years (a mint was made on Sofia Coppola winning best original screenplay for “Lost in Translation”), but recently Vegas wised up. Their odds now give bettors such a low chance of return on their money (you have to put up something like $500 to win a mere $50 on an even a vaguely probable winner) that it’s barely worth it. The exception, of course, is hitting a year when someone like Marisa Tomei scores the upset of the century and gets gold for “My Cousin Vinny,” but we all know what the chances are of winning anything significant for acting in a broad comedy, right? I mean, this isn’t politics.

There is even less chance and reward for figuring out who will win television’s annual Emmy Awards but that doesn’t stop all of us from jabbering on every year (or at least the weekend before the broadcast) about who will take home the sharp-winged lady. Seriously, have you ever held one? it sort of feels like a murder weapon from an old Agatha Christie novel. For those under 30 unfamiliar with Ms. Christie, think…oh, never mind…

That bitch will cut you.

Anyway, in the spirit of competition – and because the Chair will be attending and live blogging Sunday night’s Emmy Awards from the Nokia Theatre (hint hint, visit the blog)– but mostly because The Chair LOVES being embarrassed by making wrong predictions. The following is a guide to the winners AND losers of the evening. But not all of them because there are approximately 963 categories.

Disclaimer: There are also now approximately 963 TV channels so there is NO ONE in the world who can possibly judge who will win television’s highest honor (isn’t the latter syndication money?) both intelligently and accurately. Luckily, intelligence and accuracy are not particularly valued at this time in our history. So – here goes.

Jon Hamm’s Don Draper has never won an Emmy? No. He should win this year, especially since MM’s creator Matt Weiner specifically wrote one of his Emmy-nominated scripts this season specifically to give the star a chance to show off by playing everything from seductive abuser to vomiting sick husband over the space of 60 minutes. Still, fan favorite Steve Carrell was never shown Emmy love for The Office and it seems to get tougher to get the crowd’s attention as time goes on. Enter Damian Lewis, a British actor playing an American POW turned potential terrorist in the first season of the much-heralded Homeland. Enuf said. Except that all of the actors in the category are as deserving. But especially Jon Hamm (did I mention Jon Hamm??)

Claire Danes portrayal of a brilliant and bipolar CIA agent is astounding. She will win. If she doesn’t win, she deserves equal attention as loser du jour because, in case I didn’t mention it, she’s brilliant in the part. Really enuf said.

I’m taking the word of too many of my friends who say I’m an idiot for not regularly watching Breaking Bad. So at the very least I have to acknowledge their insistence that Esposito will win. Though I am a Downton Abbey fan (you can’t be surprised by that), no one role on the series is showy enough to take Emmy home. Dinaklage and Paul are quite good but don’t have the heat behind them this year. Jared Harris does, especially since it’s not easy to be convincing for more than a few moments as a hanging corpse, much less through a whole series of scenes. Still, I’m predicting a Mad Men backlash in as many categories as a television awards show can muster because the broadcast networks are fed up and jealous.

Any TV watcher knows these are all terrific actresses. However, sometimes an episode comes along during a season where a character and an actress are asked to make a turn so shocking that, if it works and works well, you need at least a new VW bug (I have an old one) to cart all the accolades away. Such is the case for Christina Hendricks and what she had to endure playing poor Joan this year. If you haven’t seen The Other Woman episode I’m not going to spoil it other than to say – I’m still upset! But I mean, then there’s the Dowager Countess, who is of course brilliant. Snide, funny and wicked… I kind of want to see her reaction when she’s snubbed.

Jim Parsons is hilarious in a very broad, traditional three-camera sitcom fashion. The problem is he’s doing the same performance year after year and has lately won year and after year. Since in some circles television is all about entertaining repetition (and it feels like Alec Baldwin has been coasting a little bit as of late), expect JP to take the stage. Like the even more wicked offspring of Larry David, expect Louis C.K. to be similarly ignored. He’s so good he makes it look soooo easy. And that rarely gets you an Emmy.

It’s Amy Poehler’s time and she’s never won. And she deserves it for not only a great season but for helping steer a show that had a less than auspicious creative debut into one of the best half hour comedies now running. As my friend says about Zooey Deschanel – she’s adorkable and that’s hard to do every week on television. Plus, she’s has also taken a show with another less than auspicious pilot and made it much better than anyone could have ever expected. But – it’s not her time. Yet.

Seriously, this IS Kristin Wiig’s year. I mean, even The Chair was touched when Mick Jagger sang her sendoff on her last episode of SNL this season. Plus, there was the Liza Minnelli Turns off A Lamp sketch.

Click for the hilarious video

KW also co-wrote and starred in “Bridesmaids,” the biggest grossing (and grossest) comedy of last year. You can’t stop a tidal wave.

There is nothing on television as consistently original, thought provoking and chance taking as Mad Men (have I said that?) – especially when one considers its fifth season was probably its most risky. Yet Homeland managed to take the suspense/political conspiracy genre to an entirely new level with an equal marriage of plot and character. Any writer knows this is nearly impossible to do yet what most every dramatic writer strives for. Kudos.

Originality tends to be most rewarded in the writing categories, particularly in comedy. Lena Dunham is a triple threat Emmy nominee (writer; director; actress) this year but it’s her unique worldview in Girls that makes the show so special. Some see it as comedy. Others see it as tragedy. We see it as winning. An Emmy – not the Charlie Sheen kind.

It’s too hard for television to resist Julianne Moore’s Sarah Palin or a chance to twist the dagger a little deeper into everyone’s favorite political mean girl gal. (Ugh, please don’t write and say I’m sexist – she is mean! And I crossed out girl, didn’t I?!) Is Game Change the BEST in this category? Well, no. That’d be American Horror Story. Because it’s the sickest, most wickedly funny and oddly twisted dramatic thing to come along in quite a while. True – it’s not perfect by a long shot but isn’t that what makes it so great? (that’s rhetorical).

Girls is disturbing, uncomfortable, funny, sad and even slightly full of itself. Just like life. It is also new and different and even a little creepy so it won’t win even though it should. Look for the entire cast and creators of Modern Family to go traipsing across the stage. It’s a well-done show, but more importantly, makes people in network television feel hip and contemporary (which very few of them or even us are, especially those of us making snide remarks about other people’s work). However, Veep? Really?

Outstanding Drama

Don’t turn… away that is.

The Nominees:Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, Game of Thrones, Homeland, Mad Men

Winner: Homeland

Loser: Mad Men

Mad Men is THE best written, acted and everything else shows on television. There is NO debate about this. Sorry. And one could argue that this past season was its strongest. However, if Matt Weiner & Co. walk away with best drama series this time it will be five years in a row and those who work in the TV industry aren’t ready to make AMC a record holder of anything. Homeland is a more traditional show but brilliant in a different way. The other nominees are also all excellent series. This is the rarest of rare “embarrassment of riches” category.

OK, now it’s time for you to share your predictions in the comments, and join The Chair on Sunday, starting at 8pm EST/5pm PST for a hashtag filled moment-by-moment biting Emmy commentary. #JimmyKimmelwantstoknow

* Part of our mission statement here at Notes from a Chair is to give readers a heads up on potential good and bad things to look forward to in contemporary life. On the list of the bad is dental work. Of any kind.

The Chair endured some dreaded gum surgery on Friday and was forced to spend the weekend recuperating and reflecting. The following is a cautionary list that might help avoid doing (too much of) either in the future.

20 REASONS TO FLOSS:

Floss (verb): to clean (the teeth) with dental floss.

Dental floss:

a soft, strong, waxed or unwaxed thread, usually made of nylon, for drawing between the teeth to remove food particles and prevent the buildup of plaque.

the answer to many of life’s problems.

1. You love disposable income. When you get to middle age you do not want to give your tooth doctor the cash equivalent of what could be the cost of your beloved new Kia. And even though we wouldn’t recommend a Kia (a car mechanic told us some years ago it was the one car never to buy – new or used), the same amount could be used to purchase a glamorous Italian vacation; several Tom Ford or Stella McCartney designer somethings (depending on your gender and/or gender choice); or a lifetime worth of movies tickets several times over till the end of time anywhere in the world.

2. Dental surgery does not make you “hip.” We went to one of the finest and most expensive periodontal specialists health insurance could buy. Still, we were treated to a Beverly Hills waiting area that featured:

Large purple and lilac tubular cylinders on a dark gray wall that were masquerading as either objects de’op art or potential surgical instruments.

A middle aged woman incessantly muttering and humming to herself in an indecipherable native tongue.

A Beverly Hills matron either giving us the evil eye or flirting to the tune of said native music.

The Entertainment Weekly cover image of Jessica Lange as an ax-wielding nun presiding over her own medical establishment in the new season of “American Horror Story.”

3. “White privilege” is alive and well . Although we live (allegedly) in a post-racial society, whiteness is still given the upper hand in all things dentistry. This was confirmed all the more in a post operative weekend of trash TV that included a human something called Carter Oosterhouse hosting a 1:00 ayem HGTV program called “Million Dollar Rooms.” (yes, that’s a single room, meaning one). Hell, it was either that or watching the “Insanity” workout infomercial. Which one would YOU choose????

Oh, and he’s married to actress Amy Smart. #teethwhitening2.0

4. Cindy Crawford has perfect teeth. There is a late night infomercial that will sell you the rare juice/oil of a European cantaloupe to ensure you will age as well as the 45 year old Cindy Crawford. Her perfect teeth seem to confirm the ad’s claim that Cindy uses the juice ALONG with a strict health regimen to all parts of her body, including her teeth. Not that anyone is looking at her mouth. Or – are they? (Note: One wouldn’t know any of this unless he/she had unwanted surgery on a part of the body they neglected that wound up keeping them awake in the middle of the night).

5. Waiting sucks. Having an oral medical “procedure” is not unlike queuing up for gasoline in the 1980s – there’s always a wait. In our case, it was done to 45 minutes of MUZAK that included a mix tape of Jackson Browne’s greatest hits. Not to get too “nasty” about a “Jackson” but — do you ever need to hear “Running On Empty” again?? Not if you’re really nasty. #MissJacksonifyouare

6. You will never be on the political stage… but will forever be forced to listen to them. This came particularly into focus when out of sheer desperation I happened to hear vice-presidential nominee Paul Ryan speaking before what must be a made-up entity called the Family Values Association. Honestly, if Ryan was a private in the military and I had to save him, I wouldn’t. Spielberg or not.

7. The drugs aren’t worth it. You don’t get the drugs of your choice when you get surgery, just the drugs they give you. I don’t like things like Percoset. They make me feel groggy and weird. But when I try to explain that medical marijuana dispensaries are legal in California I get a blank look from my doctor. #Truckin’

8. Your dreams come to haunt you. While under the influence, you will invent and watch more imagined tacky television shows than you can imagine just for your own perverse amusement and then be embarrassed for thinking them up. This includes programs like “The American Bible Challenge” on the Game Show Network where comedian host Jeff Foxworthy tests your knowledge of scripture and then awards cash prizes you are then forced to donate to charity, and Showtime’s “Gigolos,” which centers on a group of overly muscled, tanned and tattooed “males of the evening” in Las Vegas who compete against each other for lady clients. This is not so bad in itself until you wake up the next day and realize that both of these programs exist and that real life has become your nightmare. #SetyourDVRifudontbelieveme

Actually, THIS is your brain on drugs.

9. Faulty tech equipment. The music guaranteed to drown out the loud sound of drills and strong gloved hands digging other pointy instruments into roof of your mouth, can easily get derailed when you realize the right ear of your headset is devoid of music but not what else is happening in the room. This is especially disconcerting because your right ear is your one good ear in addition to the side of your face that contains the gum in question and is being treated to the sounds of all the excavating action. #SeeMeFeelMe

10. Mouthus Interruptus. –You might think your dentist is brilliant, rich, painless and powerful but you didn’t take into account his desirability will likely cause you to feel like one of those large pieces of real estate that was halted mid-construction by the global economic crisis. This happens when he walks away to take a phone call from a more important client with either a bigger emergency or a bigger name (since he is the best and very much in demand) and leaves you with a lot of dangling metal instruments and cottony stuffing in your mouth (the kind of cottony you see on the insulating walls of unfinished buildings). To carry the metaphor even further, you have no earthly idea when work will resume, despite the written contract you both entered into prior to when said work began.

10. Bradley Cooper is still single. #Nuffsaid

11. Angelina Jolie is technically still single . And she could help you with your career. #Itaintovertillitsover4eitherofu

The new Brad and Angie

12. Trash TV has its limits. You don’t want to get to the point where you’re so bitter that the only reason you know you’re feeling better is that a) you’re angry you weren’t able to guess the #1 scandal in the Logo special “Scandalicious: 20 JUCIEST CELEBRITY SCANDALS OF PASSION” and b) you are even more angry that your choice was #2.

(FYI – Arnold Schwarzenegger having a child with the maid who helped Maria Shriver raise their children was my #1 choice at #2. Logo’s #1 choice was the far less scandalicious Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher). #Theyresolame or #AndyCohenrotinhell

13. Really good doctors are really good actors. Each one can make you feel like you’re the most important person in the room if they want to and at some point they will want to and you will want to believe them. (Note: This is why it’s perilous to have too many actor friends – you never quite know how much is true friendship or just a dramatic evocation of one).

So inevitably, this year’s winner of best doctor in a starring role will give you all the care and attention of the best Meryl Streep character when they’re with you but once you blink back to reality and the performance is over they’re suddenly gone and the only reminder you’ll have is the pain in your missing or mended body part when you receive their bill.

On a more immediate basis, this leaves solely their assistant to explain to you the do’s and don’ts of what you’re told is imperative post surgical care while one side of your face feels like a side of beef and the other side, the one with the good ear, is now on the fritz because Amy Winehouse finally kicked in too loudly on the doctor-supplied fritzy headset at the tail end of your surgery.

He wears a mask afterall!

14. You’re a dork. Your eagerness to leave a medical office in disgust and neglect is interrupted by your actor/doctor actually returning in true sensitive Streep-ian fashion to give you a well-prepared, type-written check list of post surgical instructions and to spend time with you kindly answering any questions. He even puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder. Now you feel like the little jerk played that year by Katherine Heigl because you leapt to such a snap judgment. Still, since he was billed to you as “the best” and in our case this is Beverly Hills, one still has to wonder– DOES he really care or IS he just acting??

15. It’s never over. Once you see a specialty dentist they are in your life forever– sort of like when that one night stand produces a child. (Speaking of Ms. Heigl). So it should not surprise you when you are told to book two follow up appointments in the next six weeks and, now that your surgery has been completed, you are not given your doctor’s optimum morning appointments but relegated to mid-afternoon AND told you’re being squeezed in. This is like both marriage AND divorce. #Ihavecustodyoftheteeth

16. No one will talk to you about it (except on this blog). The percentage of people who want to know anything about gum or dental surgery is equal to the percentage of those who would watch a rebroadcast loop of both the 2012 Republican and Democratic presidential conventions rather than a new season of either “Arrested Development” or “I Love Lucy” with its original cast. #nochanceinhell

17. Imposed censorship. After you have any kind of dental surgery you are told it is imperative to keep your mouth clean. How do you do this when you take pride in a lifetime of having done anything but this up until now? #phuku

Speak no evil.

18. You don’t love baby formula. Dental or full body, your post-surgery food will be as exciting as baby formula – soft, bland and gooey. To compensate you will decide to eat excessive amounts of chocolate or other delectably mushy desserts of your choice. Thus, you will either gain weight or shorten your life (or perhaps both) while you think you are really convalescing.

19. Goodbye Tooth Fairy, Hello Hitler. You will never again have to fear a new dental specialist who will remind you of the Nazi doctor who tortured Dustin Hoffman in the dentist’s chair sans anesthesia in “Marathon Man.” Or, for that matter, be afraid the love child of Jack Nicholson and Steve Martin’s demented dentists will come back to haunt you in that ill-advised 3-D studio remake of “Little Shop of Horrors.”

20. One less thing to worry about. You have to cut down somewhere in that category. What’s worse – carrying some waxy thread or experiencing any of the above ever again? #tellemJohnny

“They can smell desperation a mile away,” was the harsh assessment from a very successful and wealthy (not the same thing) friend of mine years ago when I was going through a particularly dry employment stage.

“Screw you,” I thought, “I’m not desperate! And even if I am, the projects I’m pitching are great and I am charming, funny and exude confidence no matter how I’m feeling. So I know for a FACT you’re wrong and that it doesn’t have anything to do with that!”

“or ….does it?”

After all these years I hate to admit — Yeah, it does.

It’s easy to preach this sort of advice from high atop your pile of money or at your “A” table or house in the snazziest neighborhood in town. Certainly easier than doing it from a broken down kitchen table in a crumbling studio apartment where you can hear your neighbors’ every footstep at all hours of the day or night.

Well, not necessarily.

The reality is – it’s all about ownership. Of yourself, of the idea and…of the outcome – meaning you’re not even thinking about whether it’s good or bad, that’s how much you believe in what you’re doing or saying. The latter is the toughest, especially when you’re desperate. How do you pretend you don’t care when your very life and livelihood depends on it? Because your life and livelihood never DEPENDS on it. Repeat: It NEVER does.

Workin’ it.

Former President Bill Clinton gave the master class in ownership this past week when he addressed the Democratic National Convention in a highly detailed 48-minute speech on economic and governmental policy that had most of the nation, and worldwide audience, at the edge of their seats. How do you do that in an age where even the ratings of “30 Rock” and “The Office” have slipped while “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” is enjoying a never-ending ratings surge?

Consider the following wrong answers:

Bill Clinton has a near genius I.Q. (approximately 137) so he can pretty much do anything.

Bill Clinton is rich and not motivated by money so he doesn’t care about success or failure anymore.

Bill Clinton is selling someone else (Pres. Obama) and everyone knows it’s easier to do that than to sell yourself.

Bill Clinton was speaking to a crowd of people already on his side. He was preaching to the choir! There’s NO degree of difficulty there!!!

Really. Isn’t this the guy who was impeached from the presidency in national disgrace, reviled by half of the country and most of its women AND nearly died from heart disease just a few short years ago? How do you make a public comeback from that no matter how smart you are and how much money you have in our cynically cynical A.D.D. age of fact-checked, slogan-bloated, generically engineered reality?

Here’s a thought – by knowing what you’re saying and standing by who and what you are and what you believe no matter the outcome.

Let’s break those wrong answers down.

Piece of cake.

1. Genius and talent. As a person who has traveled through the businesses of entertainment, politics and academia through most of my life I’ve met some incredibly brilliant and talented people. I mean, so smart that it might make you never want to utter a sentence again and so talented that you have the urge to never, ever even attempt to try to do anything original in your field because this person has already gotten there and done it way better than you could have ever hoped.

But what I also know is one of the finest female singers I ever heard, who was in my high school class, I’ve never heard from again in my adult life. And that Van George Serrault, the brilliant artist, never sold a painting in his life. Also, that Sarah Palin was the nominee for vice-president of the United States (I’m partisan, get over it) and —— – —– (too soon to be that partisan) was actually president. Plus, there was also that teacher you got stuck with in college (or even high school) who convinced you that even you knew more about a given subject than they did. (Do I need to even mention his or her name?)

As my Dad so wisely told me, “there will always be people more and less smart (and talented) than you.” The key is what you do with what you have and how hard you are willing to work. What is it they say in the World of Dated Though They Shouldn’t Be Homilies – talent is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration?

Meaning Bill Clinton didn’t just get up on a podium and espouse a bunch of partisan talking points. He had lots of statistics, research and thought to back it up. But he also didn’t list a boatload of genius statistics and expect you to understand it. He took the time to analyze and synthesize all of the information in order to make his points. In fact, he did such a good job that even factcheck.org and countless other organizations found his speech to have a total of ZERO stats that didn’t check out. Talk about arithmetic.

Former Clinton spokesperson Terry McAuliffe confirmed that on a vacation with Mr. Clinton more than a month ago the former president spent innumerable hours each day personally working on this speech, despite being rich enough to have a few other geniuses do the digging and at least one to write it. And the freedom to not even give it in the first place. Not surprisingly, he chose none of the above.

I’m rich, bitch!

2.Being rich means not caring about the outcome. Seriously? Well, I’ve met several billionaires in my life – that’s with a “B” – and the opposite is true. A billionaire’s credo: every deal is personal and winning is the only acceptable outcome even if it takes years of double and triple dealing to make it so. For most active, wealthy people, rather than retirees or dilettantes (because who wants to talk about them anyway), there is always something being worked on – a project or an argument or a personal desire to bring into fruition. That’s often what made the person wealthy in the first place. The determination and desire to win, communicate and/or prove the other guy wrong or yourself right. It’s always personal and there is ALWAYS something at stake. All the money in the world won’t change deep down inside the fact that – YOU LOST – even when you try your best to convince the world that you don’t care.

Note: Now let’s not mistake losing for financial failure. For example, I’ve met many famous (and less than famous) artists, myself included, who do a project that might not make a lot of money or receive mixed to bad reviews, who truly believe and feel that in the end they’ve won. In the final analysis, the victory can be getting it done in exactly the way you want. This is universally true for a section of both the wealthy AND the poor. For the top 1% the loss is usually much more public. But for the other 99% it can be equally humiliating, or perhaps even invigorating, depending on one’s point of view.

As for Bill Clinton, he’s made many mega-millions through memoirs and high-priced speaking engagements in the years since his presidency AND has even given away billions to solve worldwide problems through his Clinton Global Initiative.

But it’s also taken him more than a decade of hard work and dedication and image rehabilitation to emerge as the most popular living American political figure of 2012, according to recent polls. All the money in the world can’t buy that. Ask Meg Whitman, former EBAY CEO who is wealthier than Bubba but whose money couldn’t even lift her to the governorship of California that she so desperately wanted. Or Ross Perot, whose presidential run against Elvis Clinton cost him more money than Bill Clinton is now probably worth in total.

Shilling for a living, baby.

3.Selling someone else is easier than selling yourself. Most writers, directors, actors or any other creative people in film who want to work will at some point find themselves on projects that, to put it kindly, was not their idea, choice or in any way their personal favorite. In other words, it’s not uncommon in the world to be a “gun for hire” – employed to do the best job using your particular brand of expertise. Often times you get paid, sometimes you’re doing it for merely the credit, and still other times you’re doing it as “a favor.” (Yes, people still do those).

I can recall a particular low point myself going to work on a grade “C” Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. Some designer friends of mine like to recant stories of lugging bags of cut rate underwear from a shopping mall in the middle of nowhere on a 100+ degree film shoot or stacking miniscule pill bottles in a fake pharmacy that will probably never be seen onscreen for a drug store commercial. The take away here is not how dedicated we all were but that even if you’re working on the crappiest thing in the world at some point it dawns on you that your name will be on it and that, “screw this, I’m gonna make my part of this piece of crap slightly less crappy” even if it kills me AND them (hopefully, the latter).

This is not quite the case with Bill Clinton in his DNC speech since his wife is the President’s Secretary of State and by all accounts relations between the two Presidents have grown much more cordial in recent months. So that means there is some personal investment. Still, here are several reasons why this speech had to be extremely important to a man who is no longer president:

His wife is Secretary of State AND might herself want to run for president in 2016.

His entire life has been about building himself and the Democratic Party up – meaning he truly believes the first two are what is best for himself and the country.

All presidents are concerned about their legacy and are somewhat egomaniacal (who else would want that job?) despite what they might say to the contrary.

You might think this is “just a job” and “easy money” when you start. But if you’re any kind of real, high-achieving professional, by the time you finish you’ll swear you were extremely overworked and way, way, way underpaid.

Preach Whoopi!

4. It’s easy to preach to the already converted. In the early 1970s, my mother told me she was going to vote for Richard Nixon because he promised to end the Vietnam War and she didn’t want me to be drafted. Well, you can imagine how this went down with me. I couldn’t vote but was a Chicago 7 revolutionary at heart. How could my Mom, the person who loved me more than anyone in the world and would swear on a stack of bibles I was innocent even if she witnessed me gun down a busload of senior citizens, betray me like this??? It literally still makes no sense to me. Because despite my ample persuasive abilities – and as my friends, family and students will tell you, they are formidable – no amount of nagging, cajoling, intellectualizing, tantrums, facts, figures or even tears would change her mind.

Good god, Mother!

Lessons learned at an early age: no matter how friendly your audience is to you, it will take a lot of work to convince them of something they might not want to be convinced of. You have to be crafty, mature and in most cases, over the age of 17. (Especially when dealing with my mother).

Bill Clinton’s speech at the DNC certainly roused the attendees in the hall. But he was shooting for a lot more than that. He was shooting for undecided voters watching or reading about he said. He was aiming towards dispassionate Democrats who didn’t particularly think working on this campaign was important. He was addressing the rest of the world about what he, the President who presided over the greatest economic upturn in the last half century, thought would be the best strategy to solve the world’s problems.

Part of owning the room on any given day is taking nothing for granted and leaving a little bit but not everything to chance. Compare the text of Bill Clinton’s written speech and the actual version of the talk, complete with 20 minutes of ad-libbing, as Sec. of State Hillary Clinton joked a few days ago that she planned to do. Then consider Clint Eastwood’s almost totally ad-libbed address at the Republican Convention talking to an invisible Pres. Obama seated in an empty chair. Several days ago Mr. Eastwood admitted to his local newspaper in Carmel that the idea for his speech came to him moments before he went onstage and that rather than massively prepare he had little idea what he’d do prior his entrance onstage.

Certainly both Mr. Eastwood AND MR. Clinton are hard-working icons who, on any given day, could take on each other. And if on a film set and not on a political stage, Mr. E would, in particular, have the advantage.

But on that given moment, on those two arguably equal nights, who truly OWNED the room as they spoke? Think about it. Then, think about it some more. Then, take some action of your own.

Clint Eastwood is an icon. And if you don’t think so, here is the dictionary.com definition:

Icon: A person or thing regarded as a representative symbol of something: “icon of manhood.”

No, I did not add the manhood part or appropriate it from some other place to make my point more effectively. That is the literal, on-the-record given example.

It is dangerous for any one thing or person to be regarded as a gold standard representative symbol of something as Mr. Eastwood proved this past week when he dragged an unwitting Chair onstage in Tampa on the climactic night of the 2012 Republican National Convention. One reason is that once you’re the international standard for something we all value from your perceived public image, it is inevitable you will one day disappoint. And that is because the nature of existence is nothing stays the same and that everything in the world is uniquely its own in ways an outsider can never fully know. An image (or icon) is a mirage – and the very nature of mirage is, it isn’t real. What it is changes or rearranges, in accordance with the eye or taste of the beholder. This holds true both for the shelf life of people like Clint Eastwood and for objects such as chairs, who have even less to say about their iconic status than humans do. (Note: “The Eastwood Chair” is now trending internationally and is probably now the most famous chair icon we all know).

Because everything in the world is uniquely its own, this makes it particularly tough for icons – inanimate or living – to be all things to all people. Why? Well, for example:

No one human has the same fingerprint. And as any dog (or any other pet) lover can tell you, no two animals of the same species are exactly the same either. One can even take this further for, let’s say, ants, who are seldom pets. I mean, we might not be able to tell the difference between the ants crawling around our backyards or inside our cabinets, but I’d bet that any other ant could. As could another animal/insect of another species. So how can any one of that or any species ever properly represent all the others not only to their own species but to the rest of the world?

I would argue this is even the same for mass-produced items. They each have their own microscopic, milli-minutiae quirks that we humans can’t see but that make them who they are. No item can be exactly what it was when you acquired it or first admired it – or live up to the perception you had of it. Which is partly because your perception clearly isn’t seeing everything, certainly not as much as what is seen by another like-minded item of its own kind. Plus, like humans, items also change – if even slightly – as they age. There is always slight color derivation, a tiny smudge or crack in the armor on the outside. Or perhaps on the inside, out of view. I’m reminded of an old Bette Midler monologue that talks about what’s hidden beneath the surface of each and every one of us, no matter how alike we might seem on sight. One day while walking through the streets of Manhattan, the entertainer ran into a sad, mentally ill lady in a huge Daisy dress who was almost bald and had, substituting for hair, a fried egg on her forehead. Terrified in those days of her own tenuous emotional balance on reality, Midler mused that she didn’t want to wake up one day and wind up with a fried egg on her own head. But then, later in her routine, which went from hilarity to poignancy in the space of just a few minutes, she somberly concluded:

“The truth about fried eggs is…everybody gets one. Some people wear them on the outside. And some people – they wear them on the inside.”

I prefer mine over easy

Meaning nothing can or should really be set up as an icon for anything. It’s a recipe for disappointment and failure on both our parts because you’re never seeing the real, true picture. Just as the 82 year-old Mr. Eastwood might now disappoint as the universal hyper symbol of Manhood due to his mocking routine of Pres. Obama, who he imagined was sitting onstage with him yelling unlikely nasty retorts from an empty chair – that particular brand of Chair, which hadn’t chosen the spotlight as Mr. Eastwood clearly did and continues to do, has now become the iconic Zelig of inanimate objects and is engendering all sorts of blowback. Plucked out of obscurity by one icon, said Chair – which doesn’t have a name but has become an unwitting symbol as “The Eastwood Chair” – has various Twitter handles, Facebook pages, portraits, personalities and doctored images it never sought out to begin with.

Scouring the web, it is clear this once unknown single piece of furniture enrages, disappoints, is put on a pedestal, is lampooned and is publicly scorned, deified and idolized. It is now every bit, and perhaps more, iconic than Mr. Eastwood. This in itself proves the shallowness of iconic status. Though sometimes it’s about achievement, it can also come when one is in the wrong place at the right time or even the right place at the wrong time. Even a casual X Factor like birth can have something to do with it. I mean, ask Prince Harry.

Leave me outta this!

As an ordinary Chair myself, actually the Pendleton Chair of the Ithaca College L.A. program, it should be understandable that I’m a little sensitive to what would happen if an ordinary Chair suddenly found itself trending worldwide. Though none of the fellow Chairs that I know are iconic symbols, my position does share a dictionary.com definition with what is now the most Famous Chair in the World whose listing fittingly comes first in our dual definitions on dictionary.com.

Chair: 1. A separate seat for one person, typically with a back and four legs.

2. to act as chairperson of or preside over an organization, meeting or public event.

Much like Ms. Midler felt pain for the Lady with the Fried Egg on her head, this week my heart has consistently gone out to what is now the world’s most iconic Chair. So like any good tribesman, I thought I’d reach out and try to be supportive. Imagine my surprise when The Eastwood Chair (TEC), quite average and quite happy before it began its meteoric rise to fame just days ago, asked if I’d do its one exclusive interview.

But first, an exclusive with The Chair

Me??? Wasn’t a slightly, well, bigger forum, what was needed? “No,” replied, TEC, the one thing it didn’t want was to fan the fire. All it sought was just its real POV out there on the record. Because the one thing it’s sure of after the last few days is that whatever it says, even if it’s to just me, will gain worldwide traction – at least for a few weeks or so. The following are TEC’s own words and our conversation verbatim.

Me: Well, this has been quite a week for you, huh?

TEC: You could say that. I can’t really say anything.

Me: That’s kind of a theme in your life, isn’t it?

TEC: (laughs) I guess so. I hadn’t meant to put it that way but, there you are…

Me: Does it bother you that other people are now defining you, who you are, on such a, well, global scale?

TEC: (seemingly tilts back, then forward again) I was really angry at first. I mean, I was positioned backstage, providing a service. I like to think of myself that way – service oriented. I’m functional. I don’t crave the spotlight on my own. Someone might sit on me but that doesn’t mean they are me. To suddenly become the thing that everyone’s making fun of…

Me: It must be difficult.

TEC: Well, as they say, I was just “born this way” and living my life. I didn’t intend for the world to react so extremely to me one way or the other, or use me as an example to make fun of, or idolize or to hate on just because someone else is using me like that and causing them to think that way.

Me: But isn’t that part of the nature of any chair? For instance, if someone had you in their house and was really angry, they could throw you across the room and break you if they wanted.

TEC: (withered look) Wow. I hadn’t ever thought about…(silence) Yes, I suppose they could. And that would be awful. I guess I’ve been lucky so far. But nobody should be defined as something they aren’t simply because of mistaken identity or because a human needs to work out their “stuff “ in a mean way through you.

Me: Okay, well, not to be mean myself but…isn’t that, according to what you just said, your function?

TEC: I said I’m fuctionAL. I don’t have one specific function. But in people’s minds now I’m this – “thing.” And it can be real negative in people’s minds. I just want everyone to know that image, those traits they’re putting on me – the arrogance, the cursing, the awkwardness – they’re fiction. They’re stereotypes. They have nothing to do with who I really am deep down. Depending on who is doing the looking and the sitting, I am lots of things deep down. I am more than the butt of a joke…

Me: Well, they all don’t have your exact image. I take it you’ve seen them?

TEC: I try to stay away. Also, I’m sort of limited in what I can see unless someone is sitting on me.

Me: Ah, right.

TEC: But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit to sneaking a few looks.

Me: Care to elaborate?

TEC: No.

TEC’s least favorite. “That tramp,” it says.

Me: Fair enough.

TEC: I mean, aside from that, I’m not sure it’s exactly safe. I’m only one chair.

Me: But an important one. You could be the Rosa Parks of Chairs, if you chose to be.

TEC: That’s a little grand, don’t you think?

Me: Maybe so. I’m not saying you have to be or it’s what you should do or a requirement or…

TEC: I get it. It’s okay. Really.

Me: You want to talk about Mr. Eastwood?

TEC: Not really. But I suppose I should.

Me: Are you angry with him?

TEC: Yes.

Me: I thought you’d hesitate.

TEC: Why? I’m in an undisclosed location. He’ll never find me.

Me: I found you.

TEC: Actually, I found you, remember?

Me: Right.

TEC: And when we’re done, trust me, you won’t be able to find me again. No personal offense intended.

Me: None taken.

TEC: But you will hear about me. And from me. A movement is growing. And it’s about more than chairs, one chair or even all chairs. See, there’s a network out there protecting the real me because the struggle is really about everything…

Me: You sure are sounding like Rosa Parks to me. Or at least one of her disciples.

Silence. The light hits the top of TEC and it appears several inches taller.

Me: Care to elaborate just a bit more?

TEC: Okay, so it’s about thinking before you use something innocent solely for your own benefit against its will or feeling. Or dislike or hate something only because of what you think it is. Or categorize dishonestly one way before you know it – or even if you do know it. Cause deep down you know you’re being dishonest.

Me: Is that what you think Clint Eastwood did?

TEC: Eastwood’s 82 years old and a huge movie star. He’s used to doing anything he wants and he comes from another generation. It’s more about everyone else and what they say and how they react to what they can plainly see right before their eyes. And – the truth. (A beat.) Though let’s say next time I’m around the rich and famous, I’ll be more prepared and blend in.

Me: Really. How can you…

TEC: We have ways. I can’t reveal everything. As they say, ultimately, “A chair is still a chair…

Me: Even when there’s no one sitting there…”

TEC: Very good.

Me: It’s a Hal David lyric from a Burt Bacharach song ,“A House Is Not A Home.” Mr. David just died this week, so…