I recently noticed that wordpress compiles a list of the most common search terms used to find my blog. It lists the terms along with a number denoting how many times my blog was found using that term. Here are some of my favourites:

In first place:

pandas are stupid 46

I like that at least 46 of you are in agreement with me.

In second place:

how to rate women 32

32 of you are right to take this issue seriously and give it the research it deserves.

In third place:

guy fucks panda bear 22

If somebody would like to fill me in on this ‘guy fucks panda bear’ story I’d really appreciate it. I’m running on the assumption this was a popular news article and not just a twenty two very strange individuals searching for obscene panda pornography.

Fourth place goes to the people asking the deepest of all the questions:

who invented bacon 15

Me. I invented bacon. Next question.

Fifth place:

short stories lesbian robot 10

Not sure how my blog is becoming a haunt for people looking for futuristic lesbian robot erotica but I can’t say I’m complaining as it’s an interesting demographic to have captured.

In sixth place is the guy who has decided it’s time to share his grievances with his work colleagues:

how to go postal 1

In joint seventh place are the curious entries regarding robot lesbian asses and licking them:

Bacon is the best and manliest food ever invented. The only way bacon could be any better is if we fed it to pigs before we turned them into it – thus achieving double the mantastic, bacony goodness. If you don’t love bacon you aren’t a man. I have bacon with everything. I used to think that if I could have bacon in my coffee I would, then I thought, “What’s stopping you?” Now every cup of coffee I blend has at least three slices of bacon in it.

Here’s a list of things that bacon is better than:

Everything.

A Muslim friend of mine had never seen bacon before, thanks to his cruel bacon-less upbringing. He asked me:

“What is a typical piece of bacon like?”

Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer his question because there is no such thing as ‘typical’ bacon.

There’s middle bacon, back bacon, cottage bacon, Kevin Bacon. There’s jowl bacon, slab bacon, streaky bacon and even Sir Francis Bacon, but there’s no ‘typical’ bacon. All bacon is unique and individual and wondrous in nature. Every slice of bacon has its own unique nuances and timbres that will melt your tongue into a state of orgasm as your chew through it.

It’s hard not to agree with the viewpoint that Facebook is full to the brim with misogyny. Of course there’s misogyny on Facebook. I’m on it, waving my dick around like it’s a flag. Most of it is light hearted fun. A large proportion of it however is genuinely disturbing. There’s a fine line between satire and stupid. When you make a satirical page about how great rape is you’ve probably crossed that line and that’s a line even I wouldn’t go near.

Anyway, here’s my solution to the problem…

The word ‘rape’ should auto-change on posting to ‘love’. That way if I were to post a comment, say to my friend Jake, instead of reading as follows:

“Jake, I am going to rape the shit out of your mouth” it would become,

“Jake, I am going to love the shit out of your mouth.”

If you’re wondering why I picked Jake, it’s because out of everybody I know he has the prettiest mouth.

Actually, in hindsight, that’s probably more horrifying. Loving somebody in the mouth? It’s kind of trundling into Silence of the Lambs territory now…

Whatever, I think there’s still room for this system to work. We just need to change more stuff. The word ‘shit’ could become ‘wondrous bum rainbows’ and ‘ass’ could change to ‘grape sniffer’ and we could change ‘dick’ to ‘rake.’

There’s something creepy and disturbing about the term ‘grape sniffer’ though that I can’t quite put my finger on. I’ll admit, it’s not a perfect system but it’s a damned good start.

Alternatively, people could just self-moderate and not be idiots. Whoops. Silly me, I forgot, that doesn’t work on the internet. When you’re piloting a keyboard like some vulgarity virtuoso it enlarges your balls by a factor of ten, makes you an academic, a cage fighter, and gives you a 12 inch dick that vibrates and is harder than Clint Eastwood chewing bubble gum, or at least Clint Eastwood’s idea of bubble gum, which is blocks of granite.

People only tell you to be yourself because it takes less than a second to say it whereas listing all the things you’d need to do to not suck a bag of dicks every day of your life would take their youth. You should be anybody but yourself.

The only people who are ever gonna buy a self help book are people who are too useless to help themselves to begin with. If I wasn’t so busy kicking ass all the time I would write a self help book. Page 1 would tell you to eat the book to digest its manly know how and page 2 would be laced with arsenic – only survivors would be worthy of my help.