What BLUNTmoms Are Thinking When We Give Blowjobs

Facebook asks all the time, “What’s on your mind?” In an effort to address this question, the BLUNTmoms put their heads together and talked about what we really think when we are giving head. It’s easier to talk when our mouths aren’t full, so we wrote this list (after gargling, because gross):

Your nutsack smells like used sweat socks. Seriously, take a shower man.

He is staring so intently. This must be how his smartphone feels all day. How come I can cook and clean the house without supervision but require such intense monitoring to blow him? Look away, nothing to see here.

Has anyone ever died from giving head? Not literally but like, from boredom? *so much yawn* I came close once (but did he?)

The Prince Albert piercing is really fucking with my gag reflex right now. What on earth made him think this stupid thing was a good idea? Oh my god. What if it comes loose and I choke on it? That would be a horrible way to die! Does anyone here know the Heimlich?

His spunk tastes like the floor of a frat house after a kegger. He has Red Solo flavoured spunk. Bottoms up?

Hair should not be growing halfway up your shaft. Manscape that shit! *Imagining a hairdresser’s cape around his penis and trying not to giggle with his stuff in my mouth*

Jizz tastes like sprouts. Does this count for my daily eight servings of fruit and vegetables?

Blow jobs are the most inefficient way to add protein to my diet ever. Like other gross things I drink, I had to shake this one up first.

I sing. In my head. It’s like brushing your teeth. Happy Birthday?

Sometimes I count. Obviously not on my fingers. It’s like a countdown clock on a bomb. When is it going to go off already? I hope it doesn’t blow up in my face.

When he comes, he better not ram my soft palate. Again. I see how often you miss the toilet. Why am I even surprised anymore?

This is my thinking time. I need to switch over that laundry. What time is carpool? The concentration makes me look smoky and intense. But I get shit done. Multitasking mom level up with a mouthful.

Speaking of shit, I really hope you wipe from front to back. My sex life is sponsored by Charmin.

Remind me how is this going to make my sore throat better again? A spoonful of sugar? That’s what Mary Poppins recommends anyways, and she looks like she knows a thing or two about being prepared.

Sweet Jesus, my jaw and forearm are tired. Hurry the fuck up man. This is like trying to get my kid into a snowsuit. We are both waiting forever to get covered in white stuff.

What are you waiting for, the second coming? While I’m on my knees, I may as well pray for it.

I make my grocery list and draft blog posts. Adds pineapple. And Charmin.

We opened up about what is on our minds when we open up our jaws, because we are sure you have been dying to know. What’s on our minds? We are dying too, mostly of boredom. The good news for you is when we yawn, we open up just a little more. #Winning!

An amazing collection of bright women who somehow manage to work, play, parent and survive and write blog posts all at the same time. We are the BLUNTmoms, always honest, always direct and surprising hilarious.

I have to say, I do not miss this activity one damn bit! Allthenumbers are true! #15 made me laugh so hard, trying to get my kid in a snowsuit and waiting to get covered with white stuff, hahaha.

It’s just disgusting, always was, always will be and I personally will most likely never allow that mouth invasion again. Ewwww, all the above made me remember why they call it a blow JOB. Ewww, ewww and double ewwww. Carry on, younger ladies, carry on. This old bitch is done with the smelly nutsacks and gag inducing probe.

Another thought, don’t you find it strange that men are not at all disturbed by the wretching and gagging that takes place whilst we are sucking that stink pop? NOPE, they care not, keep bobbing.