Teenage girl thankful for like literally everything

Dieppe — Fifteen-year-old Haley Peterson sits at a table full of cackling young girls at the local Second Cup. Each girl is sporting enough makeup to make actor Steve Buscemi look somewhat attractive, as well as a pair of unseasonably short denim shorts that may or may not comply with their high school’s “fingertip rule.” Haley claims that she has a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving weekend.

“I am like literally thankful for everything, you know,” she tells our reporter, taking a sip out of her grande-half-frap-double-soy-mint-chocolate mochaccino.

“I’m like, thankful for, like, my iPhone 6, and like, all 1,264 Facebook friends that I have,” she elaborates. One of Haley’s friends sitting at the table even goes so far as to chime in with “Haley really is thankful for everything. She’s even thankful for the bad stuff because, you know, like everything happens for a reason. She’s really deep like that.”

Haley states that even though she is so close with everyone she has friended on her Facebook profile, she is most thankful for her absolute bestie Meagan Beatey. “Meagan has just like, always, like had my back, you know? That’s what a bestie does.” When The Manatee asked Meagan to comment on Haley’s praise, she said “Haley Peterson? Hahaha. Ew.”

Reports from other Fredericton High School students have confirmed that Meagan is currently “like so T.O.’d” because of an alleged fling developing between Haley and Meagan’s crush Billy Robins. The fling, according to Meagan, should never have even started because I’m like, way prettier than Haley anyway.”

Haley, seemingly unaware of the conflict, plans to tell everyone she knows just how thankful she is this year on Facebook and Twitter.

“I’m going to make a status that says something like ‘Happy Thanksgiving everybody, I want you all to know that you’re my best friends in the world and I’m so thankful for you all <3 <3 <3.’ You know, something that will get me a lot of likes.” When asked about the sentiment of the status Haley responded saying, “The message, yeah it’s nice, but the likes are what really matter.”

Popular opinion is that this Thanksgiving, Canadians have much to be thankful for in their lives. Haley Peterson, however, seems to have just a little bit more to be thankful for than the rest of us.

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