Today is just one of those days. Absolutely wonderful. Nothing else to add. I loved today. And having such a great day is worth a share too, right? I’m such a cheeseball sometimes. Right now I’m listening to Air from Bach and I’m just reliving my day, my beautiful, sunny day. It kind of reminds me of end-scene from the movie About Time. ”I just try to live everyday, as if I deliberately came back to this one day, to enjoy it. As if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.”

Oh boy, how to start. Indecisiveness is a trait of mine, which feels like I mastered like nobody else. I always have my doubts about everything and anything. From big decisions to small ones. Like: What notebook to pick in a store. The big one or the small one. What study to pick. Eh, yes. Let’s stop there. Let’s zoom into that one. Choice of study, and indirectly the question: What do I want to do with my life? That is my big pitfall.

Last year I started studying medicine and I stopped because I didn’t enjoy myself at all. This year I started nursery school and once again, not enjoying myself. It’s a bit better than last year, but still a big part of me really feels like this isn’t the study and the job for me. So yesterday I had to make a big decision. If I stopped before the 1st of february, I would get the money back for my second half year in school (which I wouldn’t attend then). If I stopped on the 1st of february or later in the year, I would pay for the whole schoolyear and I wouldn’t get back any money at all. So a tough decision. For my life ;-)and also a bit for the money. I have been going crazy with all kinds of thoughts yesterday and eventually, half an hour before the deadline, I decided that I would stay in school. Last year when I stopped I worked a lot and spent the summer in Spain. The year before that I also worked and I went to Australia. Before that I was in high school. But right now, when I finish the first year, I will receive a paper. At least I will feel like I accomplished something. Even though working and traveling can be so good, I still want that piece of paper. I will enroll at a councelor/advisor though, just because I don’t know what I want to do with my life and probably study something else next year. Probably something totally different and not linked to health and all that stuff.

When I look around, I sometimes feel like I am the only one who’s struggeling like this. I always was a good student in high school, but somehow after that, my certainty about life and all its aspects changed.

I don’t think the indecisiveness will ever fully go away. But I can say, I’m proud I made a choice yesterday. I hate the feeling of regret and I think that’s why I always struggle with making decisions. I don’t want to disappoint or be a disappointment. Maybe in the future, I shouldn’t be as afraid anymore to make faults.

Wow! Long story. I really needed to write this down, to clear my mind. The main message: I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m 20, but that is just the way it is. Hopefully I will find answers soon, and if not, then I will try to enjoy my time in the meantime doing other stuff, like blogging & playing piano, from which I can get real joy.

Today is the day I want to go to a field. A field with flowers. Between the flowers there will be a big tree. And in this tree we will build a swing. I want to lay down in the grass when the sun is shining right under this tree, where a little breeze will be blowing. The warmth of the sun makes us so happy. The coolness of the breeze makes us happy too. Just like these beautiful flowers do and realizing that we are here. This moment: a moment of impact, simple but yet so strong. I will sit on the swing and laugh quietly. Climb in the tree and watch the view of the heels up ahead. This is all that matters. Happiness. Everyone finds happiness in different things. For me, this is happiness. Today is the day I want happiness.

Today I was looking out of my window. I saw new leaves had appeared on the trees. A week ago they weren’t there, but today they were. Isn’t it crazy how small things like these sometimes just get unnoticed? It’s only just a simple thing, but still it amazes me. How everything grows in spring, stays beautiful in the summer and then slowly falls down in autumn and stands still in the winter. I can’t help but making a connection between what happens in life and what happens in nature. People will meet, and they will slowely move into a beautiful union. But then after a while, little cracks can dissapear in paradise and it seems like the freshness and greatness is slowely fleeding. You will feel kind of numb. But then again, today I was looking out of my window. Luckily spring has arrived. And once again, it left me wondering how things can grow again. How eventough it has been the cold, it can be warm again, in just the blink of an eye.