Hopefully you've collected and
sent in all 35 "Teabagger One Nutty
Clusters and Assholes" boxtops and received your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring ("Teabagger One Nutty Clusters and Assholes" brand cereal
and its parent company, General Shills, will not be held responsible
for magic miracle Jesus decoder rings lost in the mail or simply not
sent. Don't like it? Next time, read the Terms of Service! Jesus
would.), because Rockin' Ranger Paul Ryan is about to brave the
remnants of a hurricane and give his convention floor speech!

As you all know, Ranger Ryan -- like most Republicans -- speaks in
code. It's a tricky code to decipher,
which is why we sent a few of you magic miracle Jesus decoder rings and
profited off the rest of you, without sending you dick (Free Enterprise
for the win!). For you good young Republicans worthy of receiving the
ring, let's begin decoding Ranger Ryan's convention floor speech, shall
we? This will be fun. Hooray for coded language, right kids? Did you
just run your decoder ring over that last sentence? If you did, you saw
that "right kids" meant "far right kids" and "hooray" meant your
parents gave the RNC a whole lot of money. Now, onto the speech ...

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:I accept the calling of
my generation to give our children the America that was given to us,
with opportunity for the young and security for the old – and
I know that we are ready.

Your
magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: I accept
the calling of paranoid white racists to steal the America that they
already stole from the Indians from the young and
to steal the security from the old.

Rockin'
Ranger Ryan said:
I’m the
newcomer to the campaign, so let me share a first impression.
I have never seen opponents so silent about their record, and so
desperate to keep their power.

Your
magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Black
folk in power scare the living shit out of me and Obama handed me my
own heart on a platter at this retreat once. I bet he's dealing crack
on the side.
"White House"?!? More like crack
house!
See what I did there? LOL! I have nice hair.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
They’ve run out of
ideas. Their moment came and went. Fear and division are all
they’ve got left.

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Black men
have run out of ideas. Their moment came and went. They should go back
to drinking 40 oz of liquid courage while watching What's Happening!!Is What's Happening!! the one with
Willis? I mostly paid attention to white shit like Family Ties. Alex P. Keaton was my
idol. I have nice
hair.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
The president is just
throwing away money – and he’s pretty experienced
at that.

Your
magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Like most
black dudes ... money means nothing and nothing means as much to a
Negro as throwing away money. Why not throw it away? The Government
will just give it back, plus interest! Have you been to a slum lately?
These people live like kings! Some only work 3 full-time jobs. Can
you imagine?!? I worked one job once and it was soooooo easy!
Imagine having it three times easier!!!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
You see, some people
can’t be dragged down by the usual cheap tactics, because
their ability, character, and plain decency are so obvious!

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Didn't
you see the color of their skin? All lily white? Why let some President
with extra pigmentation drag them down with the usual cheap tactics? We
know whitey has ability, character and decency to spare! It's as
obvious as the watermelon and fried chicken combo in a black man's
mouth!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
I’m sure proud of
where I come from, Janesville, Wisconsin. I live on the same block
where I grew up. We belong to the same parish where I was
baptized.
Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: I
don't think I could be proud of being born in Kenya. And forging my
birth certificate, to make it look like this country was where I grew
up. Reverend Wright is an asshole.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
And now I ask those
hardworking men and women, and millions like them across America, to
join our cause and get this country working again.

Your
magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: And now I
ask the Aryan Nations, and millions of Aryans like them forming crazy
sects across America, and get the niggers in this
country running again!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
What did the taxpayers get
out of the Obama stimulus? More debt. That money
wasn’t just spent and wasted – it
was borrowed, spent, and wasted. Maybe the greatest
waste of all was time.

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Outside
of the huge Medicaid giveaway I supported. And the two unfunded wars.
And the multiple unfunded tax cuts for the super rich. LOL! I say, LOL!
I am the biggest goddamn hypocrite to ever live, and if you believe a
single thing I say, you are the biggest moron to ever exist! Again, I
say, LOL!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
And the biggest,
coldest power play of all in Obamacare came at the expense of the
elderly. Your
magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Unless
you can read and see that the elderly greatly benefit under what I
choose to call "Obamacare"; because I am an immature child not fit to
be the VP of the US. In all honesty, the elderly do much, much better
under Obama's plan than they do under the ridiculous "Ayn Rand Plan" I
created to boost my ego with moronic teabaggers and to increase my
chances of being selected VP. To be honest, I don't give a fuck about
the elderly. I hope that, if they can't afford to buy health care on
their own, they all die. That is the way of Ayn Rand, and Any Rand is
my Holy Ghost, my Jesus Christ and my Lord. Look her up. You'll see
where I'm coming from. This whole "Catholic" thing is a facade. Just
ask my staff.Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
The greatest
threat to
Medicare is Obamacare.

Your
magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Except
for the plan I share with dickhead Romney that will literally kill
almost every elderly person in this country who isn't already a
millionaire. And, unlike when I use the word "Catholic" to describe
myself, I do mean it when I say, "Kill" and "almost every elderly
person" together in a sentence. I'm faking that whole Catholic thing so
hard, the Eucharist spits me back out.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
Obama's is a presidency
adrift, surviving on slogans that already seem tired, grasping at a
moment that has already passed, like a ship trying to sail on
yesterday’s wind.

Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Says
I, the snake oil salesman selling trickle-down economics (IE - "Let the
rich piss on
the poor and middle-class") to the gullible and the idiots, for the
750th time since Ronald Reagan shit the the concept of "trickle down"
out on the populace with his
creepy Alzheimer's grin. The grin of a mannequin, which is exactly what
he was. And a ship? Really? Would that be a slave ship? With the
applause the white bigots at the convention gave, it would seem so.
Silly white bigots, with your hatred of anyone who isn't your color!
That line was written for you ... literally. Yes, we pander here, in
the GOP.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
Obamaassumed office almost
four years ago – isn’t it about time he assumed
responsibility?

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Them
crazy fuckin' niggers, never taking responsibility for their actions!
How dare Obama not take responsibility for killing Osama bin Laden? How
dare he not take responsibility for saving the U.S. auto-industry? And,
god help him, for not claiming responsibility for saving this economy!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
Republicans stepped up with
good-faith reforms and solutions equal to the problems.

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Republicans
didn't step up with shit. They never offered a solution. They never
tried to solve a problem. They proudly proclaimed that making Obama a
"one-term" President was their ONLY goal. Your magic miracle decoder
ring isn't needed this time. Everyone knows this. The Republicans
failed. The Republicans behaved like terrorists. The fact that the
Republicans, including me, Paul Ryan, aren't ashamed, could make a
person
wonder if they actually are terrorists. Rockin'
Ranger Ryan said:
After four years of
government trying to divide up the wealth, we will get America creating
wealth again.

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: We will get America creating wealth again
for the already
wealthy.

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
College graduates should not
have to live out their 20s in their childhood bedrooms, staring up at
fading Obama posters and wondering when they can move out and get going
with life.

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Which is
why every single Republican -- including myself -- should be voted out
of office forever, for obstructing any possible good that could come to
this country, because we're racist, we're hateful and we're willing to
destroy everything in the name of rebuilding a society that caters
solely to the super-rich. If you're a college graduate -- we don't care
about you. AT ALL. We voted against helping you. We FILIBUSTERED
helping you. You are worthless to us. Go to hell!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
If you’re feeling
left out or passed by: You have not failed, your leaders have failed
you.

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Your
leaders being Congressional Republicans, such as myself, who control
the purse-strings of the entire U.S. Congress. We have failed you. We
are failures. Did I mention I've never had a real job? I've been living
off of your taxes my entire life! It's true! Look it up!

Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:
None of us have to
settle
for the best this administration offers – a dull,
adventureless journey from one entitlement to the next.

Your
magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Have I
failed to mention that, if not for my daddy's heart failure and the
Social Security Death Benefits I received and took without
hesitation, I would be cleaning chicken bones out of KFC
dumpsters at this point in life, rather than running for VP of the US?Rockin' Ranger Ryan
said: Victims
of circumstances beyond our control, with government there to help us
cope with our fate.
Your magic miracle Jesus decoder ring read: Chicken bones.
Dumpsters. KFC. Thanks BIG GOVERNMENT for the SOCIAL SECURITY checks
you provided me to advance my way in life, so I didn't get stuck
cleaning out greasy garbage cans! Too bad that what was good for me, is
not good for anyone else! I was simply using Government to create an
opportunity for myself. The rest of you are fucking moochers! Ayn Rand
said so!
Rockin' Ranger Ryan said:Being
successful in business – that’s
a good thing.

Your magic miracle Jesus
decoder ring read: Which is
why I've never been good at anything, other than consistently
exploiting my father's death and sucking the huge Government teet that
came along with it.

--

And then Rockin' Ranger Paul Ryan went on to like about every single fucking thing in the history
of the world. I swear the guy was out to set a world record in
bullshit. And, quite honestly, at this point, you can throw out your
decoder rings, kids. Because for the rest of the speech all they'll say
is "lying liar and the lies he tells." Paul Ryan is the "serious"
Republican? That's funny, because the guy is a joke!