'Riverdale' Is Doing a 'Carrie' Musical, and It's Already a Lot

The "cast bios" are a lot.

Riverdale, the dark, moody, and exceptionally melodramatic adaptation of the classic Archie comic series, is already one of the craziest shows on television, so it’s really no surprise that it would continue to be a lot when it comes to promotional materials. News broke on Wednesday that the Riverdale High gang would be performing a musical based on Stephen King’sCarrie in an upcoming episode set to air this April. The announcement came with an in-fiction list of cast bios, and they are as extra as you’d expect.

Carrie: The Musical sounds like something that the creators of Riverdale might’ve made up for the show, but it’s a very real play. Adapted from King’s 1974 horror book about a repressed, bullied teenage girl who develops telekinetic and a taste for vengance, the musical opened in 1988, and was playing on Broadway later that year.

Really, it’s a good thing that none of the characters on Riverdale have telekinetic powers, otherwise there would be even more dead bodies on that show.

Here are all of the “cast bios,” via Entertainment Weekly. They’re all in-universe, so you get a pretty good sense all the Riverdale characters’ personalities.

Archie Andrews (Tommy Ross) may be making his theatre debut in Carrie: The Musical, but it’s certainly not his first stage performance! Archie is an avid musician and singer/songwriter, excited to be exploring his thespian side. He would like to thank his girlfriend, Veronica, for always being there and his dad, Fred Andrews, for helping build and construct the sets.

Betty Cooper (Sue Snell) usually spends her time as Riverdale’s foremost teen journalist, but between news stories, she is thrilled to be a part of Carrie: The Musical, performing alongside her Mother, Alice Cooper. Congratulations to her long-time best friend, director Kevin Keller, for realizing his vision, and much love to her boyfriend, Jughead Jones. #bugheadforever

Veronica Lodge (Chris Hargensen) was born and raised in New York City, mere blocks from Broadway, and was bit by the thespian bug at an early age. Her previous roles include Evita in Evita, Velma in Chicago, and Maria in West Side Story at Spence Prep School. She is excited to make her Riverdale High stage debut in Carrie: The Musical. She’d like to thank her parents for their love and support of the arts.

Reggie Mantle (Billy Nolan) has chosen to grace the stage with his immense talents for song and dance. He would like to thank his father for allowing him to skip some shifts at the dealership to rehearse, and his mother for the pizza rolls. “I’m a mad dog whose only concern is winning.” — Charles Barkley

Cheryl Blossom (Carrie White) is OMFG excited to play the cult-icon and titular role in Carrie: The Musical. She would like thank the cast and crew for their love and adoration, and send a grand bisous to .……………………………………………….. She dedicates her performance to Jay Jay, with love and remembrance. Follow her on Twitter @cherylbombshell.

Alice Cooper (Mrs. White) is making her grand return to the stage in Carrie: The Musical. After dedicating her life to journalism and family, Mrs. Cooper is happy to take some time for herself and dive right back into theater (she got her start at Riverdale High!). She’s excited to be sharing this experience with her daughter, Elizabeth Cooper.

Jughead Jones (The Beak) would like to dedicate this to the freedom of the First Amendment and to his father, FP Jones.

Josie McCoy (Miss Gardner) is a local pop star and former frontwoman of the legendary band Josie and the Pussycats. Josie is happy to be helping out her classmate Kevin by lending her vocal prowess to Carrie: The Musical, and is humbled to be stepping into a role once played by the inimitable Darlene Love. Josie’s self-titled solo album is tentatively scheduled to drop on iTunes in late 2018. Love and support to her mother, Sierra McCoy, for all her love and support.

Toni Topaz (Norma) is super stoked to be a part of a legitimate extracurricular. She is looking forward to seeing ………………………………., give a sick performance and would like to thank the cast and crew for all their support, because apparently that’s what people do in these things.

Ethel Muggs (Helen) is a theater veteran of Riverdale High and is very excited to finally be playing a character with a name…and in her favorite horror musical, Carrie: The Musical no less! Congratulations to her Carrie-family, and many thanks to Kevin for taking a chance on her. Love you, Mom and Dad!

Kevin Keller (Director) is beyond ecstatic to finally share his vision of Carrie: The Musical with Riverdale. As a life-long fan of musical theater, it’s a dream come true for Mr. Keller to be making history at Riverdale High with such a transgressive production. He’d like to thank Stephen King, the writers of the musical, his incredible cast and crew, and Idina Menzel. #defyinggravity

Midge Klump (Ensemble), a featured player in the Riverdale Community Theater’s summer program for the past two seasons, is over the moon to be a part of her first production at Riverdale High. Midge would like to dedicate her performance to her boyfriend and literal lifesaver, Moose Mason. Love you forever, Baby!

Moose Mason (Ensemble) is a linebacker on the Riverdale High Varsity football team (go ’Dogs!). Growing up, he learned to sing by listening to and imitating his dad’s old Sinatra records. He never thought he’d do a musical, but now that he’s ditched those crutches, he’s ready to hit that stage!

The Carrie: The Musical episode of Riverdale* will air on April 18 at 8 p.m Eastern on the CW.