How to write a wedding speech

So you have to write a speech. A speech for your much-loved sister’s wedding. “No problem!” you think. “This will be easy!” you say. You think of yourself as witty, and a good writer, it will be a breeze.

Step 1: Procrastinate

Speech writing is easy peasy! Not a problem. Do it later.

Step 2: Pick your co-writer well

You’re co-writing the speech with your other sister (let’s call her “Christina”). She lives many time zones away from you, has an active baby with an aversion to naps, and will be arriving jet-lagged one week before the wedding. No need to panic, or get things done ahead of time, you’ll be fine.

Step 3: Stress out about other things

You have to drive nearly half-way across the country with a 3-year-old to get to this wedding, there are so many things to worry about: child misbehaviour! car-sickness! early wake-up times! packing all of the things! meeting the new in-laws! Who needs to worry about the speech? You’ll be fine.

Step 4: Getting down to business

You and Christina are finally in the same country and province (the same cottage even!) the day before the wedding. It is time to write that speech! One of you has a baby, and the other has a 3-year-old, and the cottage is so flipping full of people….but, not a problem, you can write it after the little people are in bed!

Step 5: Getting down to business, part II

Nighttime! It’s 9pm, you are ready to write. You’re holed up in your parents’ bedroom because it’s the only room in the cottage that doesn’t have people in it. Did you have two glasses of wine with dinner? Maybe. Is the bed really soft? Definitely. Can you stay awake for more than 15 minutes? Unlikely. How long does speech writing take? More than 15 minutes.

Step 6: Day of the wedding

So you have a brief verbal outline of your speech. That’s fine, speeches are verbal, no need to write anything down. You’ll flesh it out in between getting ingredients for a cake, baking a cake, icing a cake, wrangling a 3-year-old while your husband golfs, getting dressed, doing makeup, practicing the poem you’re reading in the ceremony, getting pictures taken, taking your seat at the wedding, watching your awesome sister get married, and taking care of your child who passes right out in the middle of supper and has to be put to bed. Whoops.

Step 7: Day after the wedding

When’s the best time to deliver a wedding speech? At the day-after-the-wedding-brunch! Who’s the best person to write it? Christina! When did she write it? No clue, somehow she fit it in. Was it touching, appropriate, and funny? You bet.

Take away from this story? Have great sisters, everything will work out in the end.