So as someone who has inflicted themselves on a personal trainer, these are the 10 things I think personal trainers are REALLY thinking about you.

1. Do you realize how see through that garment is? Personal trainers have to watch you exercise, frequently in odd contorted positions, while you’re sweating. Make sure your clothes don’t turn embarrassingly see through.

2. If you can still whine, you are not working hard enough. Really, your time with a personal trainer should feel like hell, so if you can still whine, then you can probably work harder.

3. No, I am not feeding off your pain. I once told my personal trainer that I thought he was a half-demon and fed off my pain. Thankfully, he was also a film maker and thought it was funny. (No stealing this idea—I plan to write a book at some point)

4. No, I’m not delusional. Personal trainers have training, they watch you carefully and pick exercises that push you but that you can do, even when you think you can’t.

5. Why do I have to listen to this? Some clients whine a lot. I was shocked when I found out I was on the low end of the whining scale. Don’t make these poor people listen to you bitch and whine, unless you are actually doing the exercises while you complain.

6. Do I really have to yell at you? This goes back to the whining. Apparently some people actually need, or maybe like, to be yelled at and forced/shamed into doing the exercises.

7. Dear god, the smell. Either you haven’t put on enough deodorant, shame on you, or you have overdone the crappy cheap body spray. Either way personal trainers have to stand near you. Try to not make it completely unpleasant.

8. Don’t lie to me, you go home and eat crap. Your personal trainer can tell if you are sticking to your diet or stopping by the store to stock up on ice cream and chips on the way home from the gym. Don’t insult their intelligence, tell the truth.

Photo by docguy

9. Drink water! At the end of every session with my personal trainer he would remind me to drink a lot of water the rest of the day. Now I love water so I listened, but obviously other people don’t. They don’t get paid by the word. If your personal trainer says it, it must be important.

10. Yes, I’m going to win this month. After a year of personal training I discovered a dark secret. Every week a weird, twisted, embarrassing exercise is posted on the personal trainer’s Facebook group and the goal is to see how many innocent clients they can get to do the exercise. My personal trainer denied this, but I think he was lying. Some of those exercises were just too weird.

The other day at the gym the eye candy was lovely. There was a random hoard of roaming giants, all muscle bound and glittering with sweat.

When I finished with my hour and a half, okay, hour long , damn it, all right, my thirty minute workout on the elliptical. A powerful and amazing, calorie burning thirty minutes. I went to get a paper towel and some spray to wipe down the machine.

Before I reached the paper towels, one the roaming giants stepped in front of me.

The tattoo work on his shoulder, which was eye level to me, was skillfully inked on milk chocolate skin Hard, well-defined muscles shifted as he moved. I handled myself in a mature fashion, just managed to stop myself from squealing and pointing to him making sure my friend saw us.

Anyway, back to the point. As I watched him, admiring his tattoo work, appreciating the way his skin glistened with sweat, I noticed he smelled good. As he stepped away, the scent tugged at my memory, and then it came to me.

He smelled exactly like one of my daughters friends, a skinny little boy who plops himself in my lap with his bony butt digging into my leg, before racing through my kitchen to devour everything in sight.

Adult men and this boy should not use the same body spray.

This is not good, not good at all. I don’t want to be standing next to a tall, buff hunk of man and thinking of a skinny, teenaged boy. This is why everyone should smell their age. At some point, say graduating high school, you no longer get to wear Bod, and after age 24, any scent you wore during college should be set aside and new grown-up scents should be worn.

I am sorry my posts have been so hit and miss, as you can see crazy invaded my life and I was not prepared. Hopefully it will all be settled soon. On with the fun!

Day 15- This is you’re warning, I have started my moon (period), so this week will be full of whining bitching and probably TMI.

I’m feeling okay, actually I’m kind of proud I’m not craving anything bad for me. Maybe this won’t be so bad. Maybe I’ve done enough cleansing that I won’t have a rough time.

Day 16- My body hurts, my mind is a dark place, and I am sure everyone is just trying to piss me off. I’m pretty sure I could kill people right now and not feel bad a bout it at all. Normally I would eat from the four major food groups- gooey, crunchy, salty, and sweet and take Midol. However I’m concerned about taking medication while only eating fruits and an apple just isn’t the same as a pile of egg rolls.

I’m sure this cleanse thing is completely stupid and have to restrain myself from eating other foods.

Day 17- Apparently telling your personal training you’re in a ‘fucking bitchy mood’ is code for work me so hard I’m shaking on the floor, can’t breath any more, and start praying for death.

After working out I read smut and had a protein shake, then nap. I woke up feeling human. Unfortunately that only lasted until someone spoke to me, then I was pissed again.

Is this me on my period? Is this how I would feel every month without holy and blessed combination of Midol, ice cream, and nachos?

I really want a sandwich made from sourdough bread, nutella, and potato chips.

I managed to get the kids through their day and even read a bedtime story and no one burst into tears- but I was close several times.

I dreamt of a triple layer grilled cheese sandwich, it was crispy and one of the many cheeses melting down the side was brie.

Day 18- I woke up feeling human today! I smiled and got out of bed not nearly as sore as I expected to be. Got the kids ready, and didn’t want to stab anyone 🙂

Today I went with a friend to Phoenix and spent tons of money at LUSH. I haven’t indulged like this is forever. It felt great, I didn’t even feel guilty for spending that much money, of course what I got will last me a long time.

I got a fruit smoothie at the food court, my friend was sweet and got a salad. I was so excited by the LUSH I wasn’t even that bothered by all the food smells.

I had a great day, we got stopped by a cop on the freeway- I wasn’t driving, and went to a tattoo parlor, I didn’t get a new tattoo but I really want one.

Any way I’m glad I’m feeling normal again.

Day 19- I had a protein shake for breakfast because I was sore this morning, delayed reaction I guess.

I had a writers meeting which was fun, except for lunch which was a bit difficult to sit through.

At dinner the kids had pot pies, which smelled really good, I almost took one from the kids.

Hubby came down and asked me if I wanted dinner. I told him about wanting to steal the kids food he just smiled and told me there would be a treat with dinner.

Um hello I’m eating nothing but fruit what Kind of a treat could there be?

OLIVES AND PICKLES!!! Rod added a few olives and pickles to my dinner. They’re salty, sour, and the pickles a bit spicy. OMG they are so good. Nom nom nom.

Day 20 and 21- I am sick, tummy cramping, fever, I don’t even check my email sick. I drink some juice and Rod makes me eat a bit apple sauce. I sleep a lot, waking long enough to watch Torchwood and Sherlock then burrowing back under the covers to hide from the air conditioner- it’s 105 outside.

I am better now 🙂 Don’t worry my body is slowly coming back to normal. Also I have a video for you all to watch as I haven’t posted on Music Monday in two weeks! I think the back up dancers are cute- but I still don’t like white skinny jeans, sorry guys.