Medical Freebies Can Make You Ill

What we have for your serious bargain-hunter in Palm Beach Gardens is a walk-in medical center dispensing Green Stamps along with its medical care.

And not only that but January is double-stamp month.

Tell me the truth: With that kind of incentive, wouldn`t you have to be crazy not to get sick in the next two weeks?

Of course you would. And that`s even if you had to go out of your way to catch something.

Well, my Aunt Min`s the cautious type, I guess, because what she says about that is, ``Maybe.``

``What do you mean `maybe,` Aunt Min?`` I asked when she called to tell me about it Friday. ``Have you heard of a better deal somewhere else? Some other clinic is giving triple stamps?``

``No, but I heard a rumor that it would be smart to wait and see what the special will be at this same medical center in February.``

``Like what?`` I asked. ``What could be a better deal than double stamps? They`re hardly going to have a one-cent sale at a doctor`s office, for heaven`s sake.``

``Why not?`` she said.

``Oh, I don`t know,`` I replied. ``Doesn`t it sound a little . . .?``

``Like giving Green Stamps?`` she suggested. ``Exactly. In February maybe you`ll get one treatment at full price, and they`ll give you a second treatment of equal or lesser value for a penny. Or even for free, like at Arby`s.``

``Huh?``

``Well, at Arby`s, it`s sandwiches,`` she clarified. ``But this would be the same idea.``

``Oh, right. So, anyhow, you wouldn`t go to the medical center when all you have is pneumonia,`` I said, just kidding, of course. ``You`d wait until you also had a broken wrist or high blood pressure to make it worthwhile.``

``Of course,`` she said, not kidding. ``And you`d still get your Green Stamps for whatever the bill comes to, minus the amount paid by the insurance company. Say you end up getting a toaster or a fake fur toilet seat cover with matching bathmat at the Green Stamp redemption center. You`d have to feel great after that.``

``Putting it that way,`` I said, ``it seems to me you`d want to go to the medical center in January with some kind of illness, even if you have to make it up, so you could get your double stamps. But meanwhile you`d want to save a couple of interesting symptoms for February, in case you`re right that this is just the beginning of a trend.``

``Oh, I`m sure it is,`` she said. ``Once these things get started, there`s no stopping them. Soon all the other medical centers will get in on the act. So then the private doctors will come up with something . . . ``

``Like a free tonsilectomy with each complete check-up?`` I suggested.

``Sure,`` she said. ``Or a complimentary chest X-ray with every ulcer treatment.``

``How about a special deal if you bring a friend, like those two-for-one memberships at health clubs?``

``That`s a great idea,`` she said. ``Your cousin Helen`s boy looks a little peaked to me. I`ll take him in.``

``Pay for your splint . . . ,`` I began.

``And get your tourniquet FREE!`` she yelled.

``Don`t forget coupons,`` I said, ``You could have a special coupon signed by the nurse each time and get your 50th visit free.``

``Oh wouldn`t that be great?`` she said. ``But with that deal, you`d want to plan pretty carefully so you had something really expensive on the 50th visit.``

``Like bypass surgery?``

``Right. It sure sounds to me like an idea whose time has come,`` said Aunt Min. ``But you know what? When I mentioned it to your Uncle Harold, he said the whole idea sounded incredibly tacky.``