22 November 2010

Q: Becky! Shouldn't you have written like two other things by now? Probably a gossip girl and then also you wanted to watch the Anne Hathaway snl so you could write about that one in the hopes that it's excellent? I mean it's already gossip girl night right now, again! What are you doing, Beck?

17 November 2010

Every few months I find myself trying desperately to describe a particularly obscure robot. "No no no, you remember him," I plead with friends. "He lives in the basement and he has videotape ribbon for hair and I think he looks sort of like Short Circuit? But he talks more like Screech's robot butler. Do you know the one I'm talking about?" Understandably, the answer is always no. No one remembers this robot that would say cool slang things and drink soda pop and stuff. How could they? He hasn't been on tv for 20 years!

But thanks to a recent article I read about fictional robots, D.E.C.K.S. rolled right back into my life. It turns out that he DID exist, and he was on a show called Wake, Rattle, and Roll (until it became Jump, Rattle, and Roll). His best friend was a shaggy haired kid named Sam Baxter (played by R.J. Williams, who went on to work at Full House as DJ's crush, the paperboy). The two best friends would show cartoons to me, their adoring fan, and occasionally call up the stairs from the basement to wherever their mom was yelling about something. Classic!

Upon further research, I'm finding that they had a time machine in their basement but would only rarely use it. Also, D.E.C.K.S. stands for Digital Electronic Cassette-Headed Kinetic System, which is hilarious.

14 November 2010

So it's public knowledge by now that I found last night's episode of SNL to be actually bad. And I'm never the person saying that SNL was bad. AND I'm never the person who's like "I never think blah but tonight I thought blah." Well, sometimes I am but not so much that you shouldn't take this really seriously.

I've been a fan for so long, for so many punishing years of Nancy Walls and Finesse Mitchell and Melanie Hutsell, and I don't think I've ever been driven to declare an episode totally useless. The cast is usually enough to save the night from total disaster, and if you're lucky there could be an oddball digital short that could turn out to be amazing. But what happened last night? Scarlett Johansson slipped gracelessly between her go-to deadpan-without-any-actual-humor ScarJo persona and a "Millionaire Matchmaker" (but not really at all, since the Millionaire Matchmaker actually sounds like something) fake miserable "New York" "accent." But we all knew she was going to be the lame part of the episode. That's not a surprise. What's a surprise is that the writers apparently let her come up with all the sketches. "Broken Knee Middle School" and "Ceramic Busts" were barely even recognizable as snl sketches (well, the ceramic busts thing is basically on every week, but this time it lacked that certain quality of having funny lines occasionally). Vanessa Bayer managed to be hilarious during "Stars of Tomorrow," even though it was clearly brought in because the writers realized that ScarJo could really only do that little-girl-bad-actress act in the first place (badly). The monologue was delivered so miserably, I could hear John Mulaney writing the lines and then crying them out into the toilet at the same time. God, what a shit show. Oh how horrible.

Other recent SNL topics I wanted to talk about:

1. The return of Shy Ronnie: I TOLD YOU! In January I had declared that watching the evolution of the Shy Ronnie character was similar to reading John Irving novels. He's getting there...Samberg's got his main character worked out...he knows vaguely what he wants the guy to be doing...he's going to Vienna again...wrestling...Exeter...and there's a dancing bear ok we're done.

To talk more about Shy Ronnie 2.0, I'd say that I enjoyed seeing Ronnie try out a new situation - in this case, bank robbing. It's how he learns to utilize that mouse-quiet-then-gangsta-screamin rap talent. Next it will be him babysitting some children. Mark my words? Either way, it's very exciting to be watching this happen as we watch. Usually these things come into the world fully-formed, but this time we get to watch it find its way. I think that is very good.

2. Hmm, what else has been going on? Let's see, I loved Emma Stone - especially in the "Ta Douleur" French sketch - but was not that "I Broke My Arm" thing the exact same as "Broken Knee Dork Kids?" I still need to finish watching the Jon Hamm episode and I don't think I saw any of the Jane Lynch one. I remember liking Bryan Cranston, and Vanessa Bayer's Miley impression really grew on me throughout the sketch.

3. I'm glad Snooki (and thus Bobby Moynihan) is still around. My roommates and I just added her to our pencil height-chart on the post next to our door. She's a proud 3'6" but the poof brings her just over 5'. T-shirt time!

It's hard for me to write such a negative post about SNL because I can't imagine what I would have done with Scarlett Reynolds if it were me in that writers room. It would be pretty unfair to complain without also offering up new ideas, so here's the best I can do:
a. have Scarlett Johansson play the legs in some sort of magician's act sketch
b. have Scarlett Johansson just open and close her mouth while someone speaks her lines for an entire sketch (that way it can serve some different set-ups - like a marionette or a woman who lost her voice - but also it will be a little bit meta)
c. have Scarlett Johansson try to dance something
d. have Scarlett Johansson play a wax figurine
e. have Scarlett Johansson play a femme fatale in a noir sketch
f. have Scarlett Johansson stuff her face with food for an entire sketch

Oh man that was exhausting. And if you're Scarlett Johansson reading this, I'm sorry I just did all that in public. That's not really fair either. Here, tell you what - I don't brush my teeth as often as I should. That's something about me that's not great.

05 November 2010

I've written 4 new articles this month! If you click through to them, you'll be helping me earn a little spare change for these cold winter months. Oh won't you please help with the spare change? I'd be more than happy to repay you by continuing to post hilarious material on the internet. Do we have a deal?

02 November 2010

In the words of whomever it was that said "Things are happening!!!" in that sing-songy way that time in whichever movie/tv show it was, things are happening(!!!) on Gossip Girl. I couldn't watch Monday's episode until tonight, which was quite a challenge in an apartment of one television and five roommates on Election Night. But still, I made it. And it's all for you! PS who ended up winning the House? JK Rowling, I know who won. And it wasn't anyone who would approve of Gossip Girl, that's for sure.

PS Did you see Christine O'Donnell's "concession" speech? Where she recounted the list of demands she gave to Senator-elect Coons over the phone? Dummy Alert! You can't make demands when you lose! Even babies know that. Even BABIES!!!!!!

Ok, here is what struck me as notable in this week's episode:

I'm not sure if you could say it was a directorial decision, an editing decision, or a cinematographical decision, but something was up with the whacked-out sex scenes that bookended this week's episode. We start off with Serena and Professor Colinsby slurring words and losing ocular focus for the entirety of an office hour...because they're so lusty? I applaud the way the show embraces visual innovation and I can appreciate the attempt, but this was a clunker. It didn't make sense. If I felt the way it looked like Serena felt, I would be throwing up that Hungarian coffee all over my bra-dress before I even thought about kissing the teacher. But that could just be me. The episode ends with a remix version of Chuck and Blair going for it (Hate Shtups, what did I tell you!). Now that I think about it, it makes sense that this vitriolic duo would get back together in the style of a remix. Bc they're remixing, you see? Buh-buh-ba-Blair! Ch-ch-chuh-Chuck! Hay-ha-hay-hay-HATE SHTUPS!

According to Josh, "Dorota is like a living stuffed animal that's been blair's best friend forever." I feel that this is 100% correct.

Holy crap, the Humphrey-VDW men have finally thrown an official clothing swap. As Rufus, Dan, and Eric walk down the sidewalk, it's perfectly clear that they've all shifted their outfits to the right. How else would Rufus wear denim chinos and a crisp navy sweater?

"It just seemed natural that the Humphrey men trade clothes every once in a while."

Why anyone would try as hard as Dan is trying to get Jenny back when she just left is beyond me.

REALLY, Serena and Nate came up with the idea to write out a PEACE TREATY between Blair and Chuck, REALLY. In the cleared-out dining room of DANIEL, apparently. REALLY.

REALLY.

Haha, a provision of the treaty is NO TOUCHING! Did Mitch Hurwitz guest-write this one?

Oh no, Dan and Eric attempting to out-scheme Chuck and Blair = if the scene from The Little Mermaid where Flounder gets chased by a HUGE shark did not end with said shark getting caught in that gigantic chain.

Columbia Reality Meter: Serena runs into CryptKeeperJuliet right outside the 116th subway station, two steps away from Ollie's. Bingo! However, if I saw all those blazers at that corner, I would go find some eggs to buy because guess what, it's finally time to start egging people like this. "Blazers are dumb and that's no yolk!" Thank you.

Serena's "favorite" "book" "is" "The Beautiful and the Damned." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm still flabbergasted that anyone would even speak to CKJ after what she pulled at Fashion's Night Out. Apparently Serena is grateful to her for framing Vanessa for her spicy teacher-sexts, but come on. Blair would have done that for Serena even in the midst of a huge blowout.

Dan steals a contract from dumb ol' Nate even though they're best friends. Classic Dan, NOT. Classic Dan would have berated himself if he could only see him now.

Poor Blair and these filthy gladiolas in the cabbage roses. Will no one even TRY to understand?

Rachel Zoe, who cares.

Although she did deliver "I. Die." very well.

It's always a pleasure when Nelly Yuki comes up. One of the minions thinks the impromptu video screening at Blair's party will be a "Nelly Yuki snuff film." Oh, minions. Nelly Yuki could out-minion them all, and you know it's true because she's long gone.

Despite herself, Serena can't stop wearing clothes that say "Professor Colinsworth, anytime is a good time for me!" (see: mile-high skirt slit) Maybe this actually was one of her more demure dresses. It looks like somebody needs a Dorota in her life.

"I'm not sure why I'm upset but I have to touch my leg right now and things should be fine soon enough."

When Blair accuses Chuck of showing her embarrassing video, he retorts with "You really believe that?!" UM, YEAH, WELCOME TO BASSHATYLVANIA, WHICH YOU FOUNDED

Ok, time to make sense of CKJ's ultimate plan:

Based on this prison phone call, it looks like Colin is only in cahoots with CKJ because he's paying her way through college and no one can know that it's happening because he's a faculty member and they're cousins. This doesn't make sense but ok.

Based on Professor Colington's white hot rage, it's bad news for Juliet to be talking to Ben again, who is either her brother or another cousin (since Ben referred to Prof. Col. as their cousin).

Based on my knowledge of SVU, it looks like we are in for a wild ride. If it turns out they were in foster care together, it's all over!

I still have no idea what any of this has to do with Serena.

When is Rufus going to get that Father of the Year award already? He's judging Dan like whoa for one screw-up, then deciding that Dan has actually done nothing wrong when he sees all these flower paper craps strewn about the VDW living room. And I quote: "Maybe there's a little Humphrey left in him after all," says Rufus to his wife, Lily (not a Humphrey). RUFUS, GO VISIT VANESSA AND STAY THERE PLEASE

Oh no, what is Vanessa doing back here?!?!?!?! Why is she going into a room as though she still lives in the loft? No, no, no, I think it's getting pretty late and you should probably catch that Chinatown bus back to hippieville, Vanessa. Probably you should do that right away, like right this minute.

And so concludes another episode of Hate Shtups. That's right, "Hate Shtups" went from being the name of this episode to the name of the whole series. Because that's all that matters at this point. Rufus's parenting style, meaningless. The return of Vanessa, forgettable. The only thing that anyone wants to see anymore is hate shtups, hate shtups, hate shtups, and it looks like next week's episode will be just that. Chuck & Blair's Hate Shtups, the saga continues!