All Rise...

The Charge

How is it possible to make frolicking in fondue un-sexy? These guys found a
way!

The Case

Secret Key Motion Pictures wants this movie to be arousing. You've got girls
and contrived love scenes and some messy fetishism even a simulated sex act
between a woman and a jerk in a monkey suit. What you don't have is a coherent
plot or anything approaching titillation.

The film opens with a random lesbian encounter (and a scene, I think, lifted
from another film) with B-movie actress Julie Strain, who doesn't have anything
further to do in the remainder of the runtime. The film then moves on to the
"plot" proper, which, as far as I can tell, involves a pair of
computer geeks drooling over nude women, allowing you, the desperate viewer, to
vicariously drool through them. Eventually, one of the geeks, the "mad
scientist," finds himself transported to the magical land of the
"erotic ape," populated by unattractive women that make out in a
Jacuzzi. Sprinkled through the narrative are extensive girl-on-girl love scenes,
set in a bathtub, a kiddie pool, in a kitchenette and on the dinner table, which
leads to the girls covered in food for some reason. Eventually, a guy in an ape
suit wanders into the film and abruptly finds himself in coitus with a cave
girl. There's also some kind of cave queen with profoundly unattractive
piercings running through her nipples.

The typical conceits of these types of films accompany: cheeseball music,
excruciating dialogue, attempts at humor that crash and burn and get run over by
elephants, lots of moaning and writhing, low-budget sets and ill-fitting
wardrobes. Going into this thing I expected a semi-cohesive prehistoric spoof,
maybe with some shoddy effects work and what-not, but Babes in Kongland
is simply an assortment of ragtag boinking starring plain-looking ladies, all
presented in mediocre full-frame action. Seriously, the trailers—the only
extras available—will likely leave you hotter and more bothered.

Thus, I present you with the following:

Things That Are More Titillating than Babes in Kongland

1. Playing Snakes 'n Ladders with a Chihuahua. 2. Taking a bath in
yogurt. 3. Talking dirty to your big toe. 4. Staring intently at the
scrambled Cinemax signal like it was one of those 3D art pictures. 5.
Pressing your ear to the door of your grandparents' bedroom on their anniversary
night. 6. Juggling hedge-trimmers in the nude. 7. Practicing
conversational Italian with your 7-of-9 poster. 8. Working the word
"titmouse" into your day-to-day vernacular. 9. Falling
spread-eagled on an eagle. 10. Thumbing through the STD section of a
medical textbook. 11. Spelling out euphemisms for fellatio on a Scrabble
board. 12. Lathering up in marmalade and serenading your couch in
German. 13. Two words: kickboxing workout. 14. Holding your urine in
as long as possible. 15. Playing Operation—with the stakes being
your life! 16. Leering at the pictures of Delilah in those illustrated
Sunday School stories. 17. Pressing your least favorite body part in a
waffle iron. 18. Leafing through your junior high school yearbook and
picturing the lunch lady crew naked. 19. Typing "intercourse with a
leaf blower" in your favorite search engine and hoping for the best.
20. Not watching this movie.