A Friday the 13th Survival Guide

Any old jerk with a calendar, literacy, sight, and a little motivation can find the date of Friday the 13th, but what a lot of people aren't lucky enough to know is that Friday the 13th is one of our nation's oldest holidays that far predates the first string of attacks by Mrs. Voorhees and her son Jason and is almost as old as that holiday that we definitely don't celebrate on March 11, a little day some of us don't like to call Opposite Day.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "This is stupid, Ethan. That opening sentence was needlessly long, and everyone knows that Friday the 13th is a stupid superstition. The main event this weekend is stupid Valentine's Day. You are stupid, stupid." To which I would respond, yes, but if you have any shot at a memorable Valentine's, then why are you sitting at home on a Friday night reading a humor web site while picking Cheez-It crumbs out of the goatee you grew to look more artistic? You're much more likely to die on Friday the 13th than get to second base (handholding with fingers interlocking) tomorrow, so here are a few tips for not dying on the big day.

Survival Tip #1: If you see a black cat, shoot it. You can never be too safe. If you are from Mississippi or Alabama, please reread the sentence and make special note that I said, "Cat," and only "cat."

Survival Tip #2: Use up all your bad luck early. You can only have so much bad luck in a single day, so just start trying to blow your whole quota of it by lunch. Invite disaster through such activities as cleaning your toaster with a fork, shaving while masturbating, or pledging your vote to George W. Bush, Term II.

Survival Tip #3: Get a gun. Think about it: what can hurt you if you have a gun? Burglars? Robbers? Bandits? Jesus? I think not! In fact, the world would be a lot better if everyone had a gun. (Sorry, I'm just trying to win back the Mississippi-Alabama crowd I angered in Tip #1.)

Survival Tip #4: Put up an away message that says, "Not dying." You think the Fates are willing to challenge the people at AOL? And then where are they going to get their hot threesome porn of the Furies going at it in S&M girl-on-girl action? You're safe with this one.

Survival Tip #5: Don't let the Jehovah's Witnesses in. Sure, 364 days of the year they seem like nice kids who just want to share their crackpot religious dogma and a cup of Kool-Aid with you, and you can laugh at them and say, "That's an awful lot of work to hawk a God you guys made up!" But each year on Friday the 13th, they fatten their ranks by kidnapping college students and forcing them to watch Veggie Tales until they convert. And really, if God was real, would he need talking vegetables to convert you?

Survival Tip #6: Refuse to recognize that it's Friday the 13th. In many skyscrapers, superstitious builders make the floors jump from 12 to 14 to avoid the unlucky 13th floor. As soon as you wake up on the 13th, say, "Wow, what a lovely day February 14th is! I think I'll date all my checks 2-14-04 today!" This will usually fake the calendars out, as they are the stupid product of Roman barbarians.

Well, thanks a lot. Hopefully with these tips, a little luck and a half ounce of virgin blood, you'll be fine today. So check out these hotlinks. And if you haven't already, don't forget to let people know what you think of your school here. Rawk.