Monday, 15 July 2013

The NSA, Heidi and me - Germany’s next top terrorist

If you write a blog entry on the internet, you are also curious for sure and interested in those who read it. Well, you can’t see any names anyway but you see accessing sources and countries. The blokes of Google+ make it really easy showing that in their statistics.

As it is shown below, my statistic looks like that now

1565 clicks done in the USA? Just a moment! I know some people in the states who are familiar with the German language but anyway that is a little bit too much.

I certainly ask myself now where this rate derives from. Aha, I just think there wasn’t the American intelligence agency NSA having a look at it, was it? I have to admit I am proud as a peacock, if I just think about it. An employee, maybe even an agent - that’s nonsense - for sure a special agent of the NSA reads my blog! Gosh!

Then I dampened my euphoria concerning this „visitor“ very quickly. There are 34, with this one 35 entries in my blog. Regarding my friends in the USA and some randomly done clicks I deduct 165. There still remain 1400 clicks. That makes me somehow worrying.

That however means that in terms of figures this super special agent must have read every 34 entries about 41 times before realizing what they are about. I haven’t known before that there are Waldorf schools in America. Which qualifications does somebody need for becoming an NSA agent need?

What do the evaluation criteria of the job applications look like?Can he read? A bit.Can he write?PartlyCalculate?OMGWhat is he able to, anyway?Hold on …. Ahh yes, there is something mentioned. He can perfectly dance his name.Qualified - he’ll get the job.

And this intelligence agency has nosed out the entire world? I really don’t worry about that anymore that the NSA has spied upon telephone calls or anything else. Regarding their speed of work and their brain power they might have just reached reading the protocols of 1974 and have found out that Germany won the World Championship. That what they classify as secret can be found in our history books. I don’t want to be there when he finds out in 30 years that the Soviet Union has fallen apart.

I want to use this to address the reading agent personally. To make sure that he will read the entry, I have to use a few buzz words. Let’s start with bomb, and then we go on with al-Quaida, assault, Washington and let’s deliver a punch line by Pentagon. That goes down well with the US intelligence agency.

Well, since I am now given the undivided attention by the NSA agent I want to tell the following:

My dear super special agent,
if somebody needs 41 clicks per text he should probably think about whether he is not the optimal employee referring to his abilities. I don’t want to take for granted that you are too stupid to piss a hole into the snow. You might have good opportunities to become a top-ranking politician in Germany but for an agent you are plain stupid. As you are somehow completely able to dance your name I will give you a hint. There is the 10th season of America-got-talent at the moment - maybe that’s a chance for you. The fact that Heidi Klum is a member of the jury might make it easy for you. Dear Heidi is allowed to cast talent-free chicken at a German broadcasting company who are just able to walk straight and you have them as a member of a talent show jury. This, my dear Mr. Agent, seems to be your chance to do something reasonable. Don’t miss it, don’t blow your chance.

Yours sincerely
Germany’s next top terrorist

At the end, there’s something coming up in my mind. If a german BND-employee or somebody of the Federal Office for the protection of the Constitution reads this here, there is an instruction for further procedure.

You must print this text now, and then you take the hardcopy out of the device and file it, that is for your official documents. That is usually put into a folder. The gadget which is very loud during filing is called shredder or annihilator. As its name describes it is not suitable for filing your documents. If it does not work, there is also America-got-talent in Germany. It is called “the supertalent”. Maybe it will be continued soon.