Share the love: the return of polyamory

"Polyamory" is defined as "the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned". It differs from "polygamy", where one creepy guy gets to have five wives. With polyamory, everything is equal and everyone gets to get it on with everyone else.

This non-monogamous lifestyle is being explored by a small but growing number of folk who want to date other people while already in a relationship, without being called a cheating asshole. It differs from swinging, which is sex only with no emotion. Polyamory is about falling in love. With a bunch of people.

Formerly known as "group marriage", polyamory has its roots in the free-love movement of the late Sixties and Seventies in California. The term "polyfidelity" was coined circa 1971 by the Kerista commune, a hippy communal-living situation in San Francisco. Today the term "group marriage" means that you cannot date outside your matrimonial ensemble. With polyamory, you can date other poly people. The official dating policy of people on Planet Polywood is: "It doesn't matter who you go home with, as long as it's one of us." "Take my wife, please - and I'll take yours!" is not even a joke with this crowd.

Peppermint is a 38-year-old "poly activist" I meet at Catalystcon, a sexuality conference attended by sex therapists and marriage counsellors, who says he has "been in a primary relationship with a woman for ten years, has had a girlfriend of five years, and occasionally hooks up randomly with other couples at swingers' parties". What a deal this guy has. "Polyamory's most crucial departure from monogamy is the area of sexual fidelity," he says. "Multiple romantic attachments is polyamory's resistance to the cultural rules of sexual fidelity."

Reid Mihalko and Allison Moon teach a class at various sex shops in San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York including the Pleasure Chest in Los Angeles where I attend their seminar, "Poly-curious 101, Understanding Non-Monogomy. " But before I leave, I brush up on my poly pick-up lines like: "Do you five come here often?"

**Poly history

** Before the class begins I meet the other "students".

The crowd includes a bitter divorced guy who regrets staying monogamous with the same woman for 20 years; a transgender couple who looks like a girl-to-boy and a boy-to-girl but it's hard to tell; a 20-something guy who is obsessed with reading science fiction; and a 30-something guy who grew up in the Children Of God cult in the Seventies, and says he liked it. What a group!

Sci-fi guy hands me a brochure from Live The Dream, a support group for those inspired by the writings on polyamory by Robert Heinlein and Robert Rimmer. "Many of our concepts on multiple committed relationships come from the books

Stranger In A Strange Land and The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress," the brochure states. Like the utopian communes of the Sixties, sci-fi man says, he lives in a "poly rental house" and also that "there's a bedroom available!" According to the brochure, the house features a "clothing-optional hot tub which is always available".

Our teacher Reid Milhako describes himself as "polyamorous", "evolved", and "super promiscuous". "I'm a huge slut," he announces. In the poly world, being an "ethical slut" means you are sex-positive and shameless. And according to Robert Heinlein, "The more you love, the more you can love." "The key to becoming polyamorous," says Milhako, "is to date your tribe - date your species." Suggested watering holes include "poly pot lucks," "poly meetups" (meetup.com/polylondon), swinger cruises and poly dating sites.

The best part of polyamory, he says, is NRE (new relationship energy), the initial excitement you have when you meet someone new. "It's great for love and sex addicts," he notes. The worst part of polyamory is jealousy. The part where your "primary" finds a new "secondary" and forgets about you for a while. Thank God for the hot tub!

Poly glossary

polyamory.org.uk - your go-to source for polyamory books, articles, and tips on how to find your new wives, has compiled a dictionary of poly terms you might find useful...

Compersion A feeling of pleasure or deep emotion arising from one of your partners being with another partner. Often referred to as the opposite of jealousy.

HBB ("Hot bi babe") Term referring to an attractive bisexual woman who is often sought by couples for a "triad."

Polymax An informal term for being at the limit of relationships you feel you can be involved in. "I've reached my polymax. I can't become intimate with any more partners right now."