11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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Look What the Stork Brought In

That is what the flier in my mailbox said. It was a free gift from Shutterfly for birth 10 free birth announcements because, well, it's March.

This must be how my great grandma felt when people would call and ask for Lyle.

I try to avoid triggers. I dodge the pregnant woman in the aisle. I veer my eye's when strollers walk past. I know I won't be this extreme forever but for now, I am in protection mode. But today it was as innocent as getting the mail to bring up that deep, heavy sting that physically impacts the body.

I sifted through the mail. Free baby prints! Another company, another flyer, 2 in 1 day.

I ripped them up and threw them in the trash with the flyer from yesterday from Motherhood Maternity, making this mail/formula sample #5 in the last couple weeks that is somehow congratulating me as a new mom. I. Am. Not. A. New. Mom.

Trust me, within 24 hours of losing Jude I was canceling the registry, unsubscribing from the amazing "weekly growth updates" that gave me such delight in what new skill he had acquired that week; removing my name from mailing lists, trying to contact ANYONE in my life who I may have told I was pregnant with twins what happened-all for fear of them approaching me this month and asking how the babes are doing.

Okay, enough gloom for the month, lets move on. Lets try to focus on the future. The next steps.

As mentioned, Darren and I decided to take a small break from FET/IVF land. The specialist originally wanted us to wait to "try" till April but March was the soonest we could legally try (they deemed the 3 monthish mark healthy enough to continue our grand effort to reproduce).

So March is here. I did officially ovulate ON MY OWN last cycle. Sure, it wasn't till CD 27 but hey, that is the first time we have detected ovulation without meds. The plan is to try the super high stressed timed ovulation sex good-fun-old-fashioned way. We have actually never experienced a pregnancy without the assistance of ICSI (this is when the guy at the fertility lab actually inserts sperm into the egg instead of putting the egg with sperm in a petri dish and letting nature take its course). All this to say, out of our 4 babies that have implanted, none have been from natural fertilization. HOWEVER, a long time ago our RE told us he thought we could PROBABLY (notice all caps) conceive on our own if we gave it time...sigh. It's been 3 years BUT most of that has been clouded with IUIs, IVF, trying to find right level of meds to make me ovulate, being pregnant, or being restricted due to pregnancy loss.

I don't expect anything miraculous but hey-. My gut tells me the hope of a biological child lies somewhere in those 8 frozen embryos but for now, we will give the one-two-punch a try (lol did I seriously just call sex a one-two punch?). The only thing I know for certain: I want to meet Jude and Brinly's siblings more than anything I have ever wanted in my life.

Also. I have been following your blog for a little while, and I came across this: http://moms.popsugar.com/Truth-Behind-Love-You-Forever-31923286I don't know if you knew about this, but as I read it I thought of your sweet little babies.

Ugh... the mail. So innocuous, but with so much potential to suck all the life right out of you. I'm so sorry Holly. I'm sure these weeks are especially painful. Continuing to think of you often! Praying Jude and Brinly's sibling comes home to you soon.

The one-two punch line made me laugh.. hahaha. And way to go on the ovulation!! I don't care what day it was on it deserves a big WHOOP. Have fun with the BD'ing. :) I want you to meet their siblings soon too friend.

I don't think there's any harm in trying on your own. Because my body has chosen to not cooperate and keeps forming cysts, I can't do an FET until they clear up. So I told DH, we'll try on our own until then! Even if we know the chances are low, there's no point in sitting and waiting, when that's what we've had to do the last few months. So I've got my fingers crossed for you, Holly!

Ugh, the mail! I remember getting things like that after i lost my son. It's so irritating. As for TTC on your own, go for it! I have PCOS (and i know you two have other fertility issues too) BUT i always ovulated after i had babies (even when they didn't make it). And that lasted a good 6 months of me ovulating (With absent periods) after a pregnancy.. And i know some other women who were fertile after a pregnancy too (with PCOS). So maybe, just maybe, it will work! I'll be praying for you!

Ouch on the mail. I feel your pain. My insurance (!) called about a month after the twins were stillborn, asking to enroll me in their maternity care program. Sigh.But yay for ovulation! I so understand wanting to meet the siblings of your precious children, and I hope you'll be on the way there soon.

I was thinking of you tonight and dropped into to catch up on what I've missed lately. I hope you know you are always on my mind and heart. I pray for you and Darren constantly and would do anything I could for you (truly). I believe with my whole heart that whether it's those 8 frozen embryos or a natural conception that you will be meeting J & B's siblings soon. Sending so much love and many prayers your way tonight. If you need anything at all, please know that I am here.

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)