Thursday, February 9, 2012

fitting in

i have a confession to make: for over 6 months i pondered this post and it took me this long to get the courage to share it. and as you'll read during those 6 months i grew in the process, i think this is the best time to write this post -where i'm at now in this journey...

keep up or give up?
tough to keep up with the jones's - i think the jones's are from here, in del mar. i say this because we are surrounded by maseratis, ferraris, porches, dolce gabbana, coach, louis vuitton... down the street a house just sold for $38 million... yes that's dollars (not stones, or grains of salt; dollars) most people won't make the annual property tax on that thing alone. imagine the down payment. i can't even fathom this kind of cash, as we squeeze into our cozy little condo on the side of a crooked hill. there is a natural psychological reaction in american women to being surrounded by this kind of wealth while they themselves have lower or middle class incomes. for me it went like this... first disgust, then anger, jealousy, seclusion - i felt very alone. depressed. complete and utter sadness...

"why are we here?" i kept asking myself, my husband, even my kids (unfortunately). my kids don't need this stress, but maybe it's ok to get them thinking at this age (pre-teen), maybe it's ok for them to see that their mom isn't perfect. are we here on earth simply to work hard make money so we can send our kids to college so they can get good jobs? so they can work hard to send their kids to college...? we work hard to spend money, spend money, spend money. my husband is the hardest working person i have ever known in my life and sometimes even he is tired of working his tail off... just so we can "spend money"

money is the harsh reality - dr. appointments cost money, food costs money, fuel for our cars, clothing.
sometimes i just want to sell everything i own, move to a 3rd world country, live in a tent, and live life with my family and the surrounding community who aren't living for money. give up. the rat race is not for me as i am not a rat. i am an artist, mother, wife, child of God. i truly love to love deeply, live honestly, giggle, chase ideas, whisper in my children's ears, tickle, cuddle, sip wine, look at the stars, have meaningful friendships, create, inspire, read, pray, connect, run through the tall grass, swim in the ocean, help people, hug, and truly smile... essentially, be alive

so then i realized that this last thing i feel is sadness for them. those who decide that money defines who they are.

Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:24 NIV

the worst part of all of this is i felt and still feel pathetic - we are healthy, we have more than we need, i really have nothing to complain about - i know so many are hurting and truly struggling right now. this weighs me down more, just the sheer thought of it alone. so i continue to try to dig myself out of the downward spiral.

it's been easier not to make friends, remain anonymous so i don't feel pressure to keep up... but, it's been long enough, the time has come for me to suck it up and move forward. life isn't going to invite me to the party, i just have to put on a dress and show up. so today i will be trying my very first ever women's bible study (i chickened-out back in september) please pray that i overcome intimidation and feel welcome and find some friends.

my goal is not to get you on my side or anger you but more to share my journey in hopes that it inspires you or maybe you have had a similar experience that we can connect with. thanks for reading :)

it's been a tough move to "so cal" and honestly i don't know

what i would have done without my blog friends through this. thank you.