Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Spent Nearly $1 Million On Gold Plated Toilets

Hello America. While you were busy crapping your pants over the royal baby of a different country, you were also busy crapping your pants over a royal baby born right here at home, if Google analytics are to be believed. The parents of that baby, in turn, were busy crapping not their pants, but into some fancy gold-plated poop chutes, because we live in a meritocracy and they are better than you.

According to The Daily Mail, Kim Kardashian (whose sexyface, pictured, is also her pooping face) and Kanye West (whose smug face is his pooping face is his everyface) spent a cool $750,000 on gold-plated commodes for their new Bel Air mansion, because even their bowel movements must be as tacky and embarrassing as possible.

Modeled after Marie Antoinette‘s royal commode at the palace of Versailles, their four new toilets feature built-in ipads to broadcast their fecal accomplishments to the world, no air fresheners (because their shit don’t stink), human bidets (i.e. tiny peasants to lick their bums celebrity clean), and handy disposal hatches for when pitchfork-wielding proletarians finally chop off their heads. Classy!

“It’s so exciting for them,” a source told People Magazine. “The house is gorgeous. And they really wanted and needed the privacy.” Said source then had to go immediately, because baby North West wasn’t going to human bidet for himself.

In other news, at least our taxes don’t subsidize these people, unless you count the fact that they are allowed to have any money at all.

Ugh. That is seriously messed up. In a way I feel bad for them; I mean you have to be extremely full of yourself or just dumb to buy gold toilets. Either way, it’s unfortunate.That chunk of change could have done some good.

Ugh. That is seriously messed up.
In a way I feel bad for them; I mean you have to be extremely full of
yourself or just dumb to buy gold toilets. Either way, it’s
unfortunate.That chunk of change could have done some good.