We’re in the dreaded NFL offseason. There’s still no real football for months, or maybe even longer. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In F–k You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: NordicTracks.

For the past few months, I’ve been working part-time for a moving company, mostly because President Obama’s Dick Joke Job Creation Act hasn’t been as fruitful as promised. It’s all right for a side job, albeit it suffers from the same weakness that all gigs in the service industry do: you have to deal firsthand with customers. And in large part, moving customers suck because:

– They tip poorly or not at all [Sorry, offering as gratuity a sixer of some piss beer like Miller Light isn't charming, much less acceptable]

– They seldom pack ["Hey, I left all our clothes in that 400-pound pine dresser. That's okay, right? You can take that as is?"]

– They are occasionally gay men who leave pornography in plain view.

– Some are husbands who get insecure that other men have to carry their shit, so they try too hard to help out, thus fucking things up in the process.

– They assemble IKEA armoires on the top floor of a three-floor townhouse with narrow-ass staircases. When presented with the reality that said armoire cannot possibly make it down said narrow-ass staircase with walls and armoire intact, they become defiant and insist you invoke some sort of blue-collar wizardry to make it happen. DIE ENTITLED YUPPIE SCUM!

– And worst of all, some of them own NordicTracks.

Fuck NordicTracks. Fuck them in their heavy, awkward, dust-encrusted hole of healthy minded resolutions past. I’d rather carry 10,000 grand pianos up a cliff face than haul another elliptical through someone’s house. The people who manufacture NordicTracks like to believe they’re on your side, dear mover, as many of these abominations have tiny wheels on the bottom. Of course, these wheels are positioned in such a way that they never do anything. Or, if they do work [never on carpet], they’re located on the slimmer side of the device, forcing you to have to support all of the object’s weight anyway.

I could deal with all this if I’d ever moved a treadmill or elliptical that I was sure had seen regular use. This has yet to happen. Why? Because the type of people who feel they need this type of equipment in their home think they’re too good or too smart to be suckered into getting a gym membership. “They’ll lock me into a two-year deal when all I want is some light cardio.” The misguided rich asshole soon discovers how difficult it is to work out in their home, their place of leisure and relaxation. Also, that the gym has far superior equipment than the $800 piece of shit they bought for their basement. That’s probably giving some of them too much credit; just as likely the workout machine is just another product of the crushing need to add one more expensive and ultimately useless home furnishing just because they can.

But wait, it gets worse! Not only are NordicTracks weirdly shaped fucking abortions that you can’t pack around in the truck, but they always have some stupid extra challenge that no other object seems to have.

“Well, the guys who got it in here could only make it fit by carrying it through 12 backyards, which just happen to form a 700-yard sand pit with Dune worms and Tusken Raider snipers. Then they had to bribe a border guard with a child’s eyeball. Oh, and in our new place, it’d be great if you could place it on top of the chimney on the roof. That cool? Roof gyms are normal, right?”

If you own a NordicTrack, that’s fine. I don’t know you. You’re probably just as likely to be a decent person as anyone else. Just never move again in your life. Commit yourself to wherever it is you are now. Because otherwise I hope you get impaled on the handles and then your house collapses on top of you. And later a rescue dog pisses on your rotting corpse face.

Join The Discussion

“Well, the guys who got it in here could only make it fit by carrying it through 12 backyards, which just happen to form a 700-yard sand pit with Dune worms and Tusken Raider snipers.
They must have had connections with Muad’Dib.

04.27.11 at 8:26 am

waltersobchek

That is some hate. Our couch, which we had custom upholstered, did not fit in the elevator when the guys delivering it got there. We live on the 7th floor. The company wouldn’t take it back because of the upholstery, and wanted to charge $50 per floor. We told the two dudes to tell their bosses it fit into the elevator and we handed them $200 in cash for the 7 flights of stairs. Saved $150 and made these poor guys $100 richer. I think that was the right thing to do.

Any I love the Star Wars reference. No one likes Tusken Snipers, no one.

04.27.11 at 8:30 am

Delicious Cake

At least some of the other abortions they peddle on tv have the decency to be compact.

04.27.11 at 8:35 am

Delicious Cake

Also, pray that you never have to move LaToeinjury’s crap. He probably has a similar sized stationary bike in every room.

04.27.11 at 8:44 am

Upstate Underdog

On the plus side, they are great for hanging coats on.

04.27.11 at 8:45 am

Tracer Bullet

Boxes of books are my Waterloo. Not my books, you understand. I have a metric ass-ton of books, but I can carry them. My wife, on the other hand, cannot carry her books which means her books don’t get moved. They get tossed in a nearby dumpster. ESPECIALLY THE MATH TEXTBOOKS FROM HIGH SCHOOL THAT SHE WANTED TO DRAG ACROSS THE GODDAMN COUNTRY.

04.27.11 at 8:46 am

joe

does ksk not make enough $ to avoid what is apparently an awful side job?

04.27.11 at 8:50 am

lugnutz

F–K You ungratefull proletariat… you sloths move my furniture into my new townhouse in my gated, golf community with its freshly painted walls and you seem to think a hand truck is for the twelve cases of beer you expect me to give you as tribute. You movers are pathetic creatures that could not be trusted at the local fast food establishment deep fryer. If there is a God, and my local Presbyterian pastor assures me there is, you will blow out your spine on that Nordic Track and spend perpetuity on one of those scooters your local grocery store supplies all the other gimps.

Allow me a retort?
FUCK YOU MOVERS. You people (and I use that term very loosely) are the scum of the fucking earth. You steal. You break shit. You insist that any item you don’t pack is not covered by the breakage policy unless the box itself is destroyed. Electronics? Oh, I see–you didn’t turn it on to see its working condition before you dropped it, so therefore it can’t possibly be covered either. That makes complete sense. Assholes.

You bring a truck too small for the job then insist I pay for a second truck. You bring too few guys to move my stuff so it takes 8 hours instead of 4 to load the truck. You create a slide made of cardboard to fling my dishes and wedding china down instead of using your precious leg muscles to climb that dizzying single flight of stairs.

You require me to take you to small claims court rather than just cut me the check for the damages you owe me. When I win the case because you don’t show up at small claims, you wait a month to cut the check.

FUCK YOU. May the fleas from 10000 sewer rats take up residence on your taint.

04.27.11 at 9:44 am

Keith

Also? There’s a much better way to get in your light cardio. It’s called fucking RUNNING. You put on shoes (or not, if you’re really hardcore with it). You get outside. You chug your stubby entitled self around the block a few times until you can take it farther. And then you actually get to know your town/city/encampment a lot better.

It infuriates me to see treadmill banks full at gyms when it’s gorgeous out.

04.27.11 at 9:47 am

Tim Tebow's "Roommate"

As prior military who got moved/PCSed more times than i can count, i will only say this:
FACK YOU GOVERNMENT CONTRACTED MOVERS!!! YOU STOLE MY WATER SURVIVAL GEAR!!! On the bright side, some a-hole who works in finance probably fell overboard, so it’s win-win.

Jerry Richardson owns 57 NordicTracks and would like you to pay for 40% of their cost. You know, to help stimulate growth.

04.27.11 at 9:51 am

Starburied

I purchase furniture that is specifically designed to expand once over the threshold of my home. This process is not only irreversible, but requires an hour’s worth of pouring solid mercury into each item. The entire lower two floors of my house are left barren of objects as I only collect this furniture on the upper most floor.

The stairs to reach the floor are not stairs at all, but a plastic ramp at a 60 degree angle that is glazed with silicone every 15 minutes. This process is, of course, put on hold when one has to use the stairs to travel back downstairs, in which case the stairs actually form stairs, only in ascending fashion.

Should you manage to remove all the furniture from the top floor in the 20 minutes I am only paying you for, I will offer my gratitude as you traverse my walkway made entirely of quicksand, as I sit nearby in the shade, lounging in my plush lawn sofa using the finest Armand de Brignac as mouthwash.

As a tip for your troubles? A mostly melted Andes mint that I have left on the hood of your running vehicle for the four of you to split.

04.27.11 at 9:53 am

Keith

True story: I hired Ape’s company to help move me this weekend. He had Drew’s new book on the truck’s dashboard–that’s how we got to talking. I was like, “I go to KSK at least five times a day.”

I have to say that Ape has his shit straight: Showed up early, worked hard, broke nothing. I do not own a nordic track.

04.27.11 at 9:59 am

lugnutz

Clearly, Ape is wasting his time with this blog shit. He should be a full time mover.

04.27.11 at 10:01 am

Fred Smoot's Jockstrap

@Keith: College Hunks Hauling Junk? Good bros, for sure.

04.27.11 at 10:02 am

joeproblems

lol @ the bowflex treadclimber ad at the top of the page. nothing like writing about something you hate only to have it then advertised on your page.

04.27.11 at 10:04 am

Starburied

@Keith

“I go to KSK at least five times a day.” and “I do not own a nordic track.” could best be defined as “synonymous.”

04.27.11 at 10:04 am

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Oh man, job hate is the best hate.

Well, the guys who got it in here could only make it fit by carrying it through 12 backyards, which just happen to form a 700-yard sand pit with Dune worms and Tusken Raider snipers.

That’s what you get for living on Tatooine. Sure, it was great way back when, but now it’s like Aspen. So touristy, and everyone has a fucking Shai-Hulud that they imported from Arrakis. Yuppie assholes.

/Pushes glasses up the bridge of nose

04.27.11 at 10:11 am

Fumble in the Poo

Keith says:
April 27th, 2011 at 9:53 am
True story: I hired Ape’s company to help move me this weekend. He had Drew’s new book on the truck’s dashboard–that’s how we got to talking. I was like, “I go to KSK at least five times a day.”

I have to say that Ape has his shit straight: Showed up early, worked hard, broke nothing. I do not own a nordic track.
_____________________________

I hope you tipped well or next weeks edition may read: THIS WEEK IN F–K YOU: KEITH

04.27.11 at 10:28 am

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

@Keith

I think the real question is, was he wearing a Steelers shirt jersey to work?

04.27.11 at 10:33 am

bark

No workout equipment here. Drowning sorrows in Tecate, sliders, and chips in anticipation of pens meltdown in game 7.
Yeah its a hockey reference. Its all I have. The N.F.L. draft? Meh. Wake me when its football season.

04.27.11 at 10:36 am

whowillsexmutombo?

@Slothrop
Allow me to join in:
Yes, I understand that being drafted into the Israeli military at 18 is a giant hand job and that you’re disappointed that your vision of a better life running a scooter rental shop on Ocean Drive didn’t pan out, but that does not mean that ignoring federal law regarding the definition of a “binding estimate” and holding all of my worldly possessions hostage unless I double said estimate – in CASH – is a reasonable way of exorcizing the demons of guarding the Gaza strip while I was pounding PBR and nailing 18 year old ass at a rich, elitist American college. So stop implying that you’re going to break my neck and dump my body in the river – along with my couch, clothes, and train set – if I don’t cough up the extra cash, do your fucking job, and try to understand that people without green cards wind up doing shitty things like moving people’s furniture.

(By the way, I’m Jewish. So this hate is sanctioned by the state of Israel, thanks to multiple rounds of purchasing Israeli bonds!)

04.27.11 at 10:38 am

Werewolf bar Mitzvah

At least you’re not bitter or nuffin…

04.27.11 at 10:47 am

MenaceIISobriety

I’m slow clapping with my huge, veiny hands.

04.27.11 at 10:49 am

welcome to the hasseldome

never really had a problem with movers because moving on your own really isnt difficult. i moved 8 times with my family while growing up, and each time we finished the job in at most 2 days. if you cant do that, you are either inefficient/lazy or have collected too much shit that should be packed in a dumpster rather than a uhaul.

so i ask you, ape- what were you expecting exactly? everyone who hires you either is too weak to move themselves, views your job as below him, or is a pussy-whipped bitch who doesnt want to listen to his spouse complain about the book club meeting shes missing while you pack. arent these the same kind of assholes who would buy a nordic track rather than buy shoes and go for a fucking jog?

/dismounts off high horse
//via bullet through brain

04.27.11 at 10:52 am

Keith

@chadhenne

He was not wearing a Steeler’s jersey, though we each expressed our dismay that the NFL will likely not happen this year.

@fumble

I think I tipped well, but Ape might have a different sense of what a good tip is than I do.

04.27.11 at 10:53 am

MenaceIISobriety

I once maneuvered a quater ton fold-up treadmill up a flight of stairs with the help of a 110-lb female. It was for a cancer patient, so I feel OK about it by now.

04.27.11 at 11:02 am

Slothrop

@hasseldome: I guess you never inherited a 1400 lb. antique grand piano from a beloved relative. This thing is a gawd-damned beast. Solid maple frame, brass and steel harp, monstrous. And of course worth more than anything else we own both in terms of real money and sentiment. At least my wife plays the thing and plays it well. And of course the last movers broke off a decorative part of the pedal stand. These last guys at least repaired it. Other movers have stolen from us and damaged stuff and refused to pay until ordered to by a judge. And until we inherited it, we moved ourselves–6 times because of stupid academic job nonsense.

04.27.11 at 11:09 am

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

I go for the Dune reference with Muad’Dib and Chand Henne one-ups me with Shai Hulud and Arrakis. Well played sir, well played indeed. Your Geek Kung-Fu is stronger than mine.

04.27.11 at 11:14 am

Lobster Stuffed with Tacos

@welcome to the hasseldome

There’s another category of people that hire movers that you forgot to mention: assholes like me who have 800 lb gun safes. No way I’m moving that myself. It was great, though, to see the relief on the faces of the movers when I told them that it was going in on the ground floor and not up any stairs. Still gave them a pretty crazy tip for the help.

04.27.11 at 11:18 am

Lobster Stuffed with Tacos

@ Slothrop

Fine, you win.

04.27.11 at 11:26 am

homercles

What is a good tip? And do you tip on time spent or on weight of the object or some calculation of both? I never have any clue about what is appropriate to tip movers.

/assembled an IKEA armoire on the top floor of a 6-floor walkup in Brooklyn

04.27.11 at 11:30 am

DancingBaptist

Had a Major in ROTC warn me, ” Moving three times is like setting your house on fire. Same results.”

I pre-pack EVERYTHING, leave the boxes open for them to inspect, make sure their liquid needs are met and watch them like a hawk. Even then I get to my next post and picture frames are broken, stuff doesn’t work and I have 30 pages of forms to fill out to make my claim.

04.27.11 at 11:38 am

Spanky Datass

I once witnessed the hurling of a NordicTrak via trebuchet. The sound of it hitting the asphalt and the flying plastic pieces were strangely satisfying.

04.27.11 at 12:03 pm

Food King

As a former moving schmuck during college, I’m pretty much on board with you Ape. Funniest thing I always found was that the general middle management types that were being transferred by their companies were always the nicest people and best tippers. They felt bad we were hauling their shit and always had full coolers of gatorade and $50 tips at the ready. Yet every moron that I moved into some $750,000 McMansion ( hey it’s a lot of money in the midwest) couldn’t barely be bothered to answer a question about where their shit was supposed to go, let alone notice the blood on your head where you took the hit for some piece of shit antique oak dresser instead of letting it hit their precious wall. Ahhh….good times.

/not good times
//but i did make a shitload of cash in the summers
///and a lot was tax free…sorry gubment people

04.27.11 at 12:11 pm

DAGOTRON

Not to be confused with Tuscan snipers, who just lob insults at you in broken Italian from afar while simultaneously groping your woman.

04.27.11 at 12:13 pm

Punanisher

My wife and I used to own a NordicTrack elliptical bitch back before we were married. When we moved from Oakland to a nice Northern Cali suburb, my truck owning friend and I had to move that thing out of a basement shit hole apartment, which meant going upstairs. Then we had to walk it up some stairs to the new second floor apartment. Of course, about a month later my new apartment complex opened an exercise room for all tenants. We put that Nordic bitch on Craigslist for $50 just to get rid of it quickly. A day or so later, the most amazing thing happened. A wonderfully nice, fat, lesbian couple came to take it off our hands. They insisted that they needed no help getting it downstairs. The 20 minutes that followed I will remember forever. Sweaty, fat ass crack not quite covered by flannel panties (totally serious), a woman calling her girlfriend a “lazy cunt”, tons of non-sexual grunting, and 1 used $50 NordicTrack falling off the back of a pickup truck as it sped out of the parking lot. Beauty defined.

04.27.11 at 12:15 pm

welcome to the hasseldome

@lobster/sloth
touche, i do not own a piano nor a gun safe. exceptions can be made for the unusual item, but it still seems like 9/10 moving jobs could be done without assistance. also, arent pianos just another noisy thing for kids to bang on/ put shit on for most people, or was my childhood filled with uncultured heathens? for those of us not blessed with musical wives, it seems like something that should be sold when you move.

04.27.11 at 12:26 pm

xunrou

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04.27.11 at 12:28 pm

TheStarterWife

Can’t say I’ve ever had a bad moving experience. True, the one time I did have a treadmill to move, I just abandoned it in the apartment for the next person. (Giving away the old stuff and buying new stuff is pretty much always cheaper than moving anything, aside of beds, HD TVs and kitchenware.)

Sloth – Did you get a professional piano mover? My in-laws have moved their grand cross-country a few times and always get a separate mover for the piano.

04.27.11 at 12:52 pm

Fred Smoot's Jockstrap

@Spanky

Oooooooh, “trebuchet,” huh? A fancy boy! Very well, but Bob Costas questions the breadth of your erudition. FIVE MORE FRANKISH LOANWORDS IN RAPID SUCCESSION!

04.27.11 at 12:55 pm

Ashy Larry Johnson

Well said, xunrou. Well said, indeed.

04.27.11 at 12:57 pm

Brutus Ballsack

It must be difficult getting a 1,400 lb grand piano into an ivory tower.

04.27.11 at 1:01 pm

Excitrodangerfear!

There is elliptical machine at my gym that you sit – not stand – on to operate. I never thought I’d see a workout device dumber than a hip abductor, but we should never overestimate people.

04.27.11 at 1:04 pm

Spanky Datass

Oooooooh, “trebuchet,” huh? A fancy boy!

Not too fancy, I had to look up the spelling.

/looks up FRANKISH LOANWORDS
/turns off caps lock

04.27.11 at 1:06 pm

Slothrop

@TSW: yeah, we used a specialty mover for the piano and some other inherited antiques. The bastards charged through the roof and still broke a part of the piano and refused to reassemble the grandfather clock they disassembled during load-in. And you are so not kidding about it being cheaper to buy new rather than move old. Fuck sentiment.

Next time we move, I’m burning the house down first and making it look like an accident.

04.27.11 at 1:09 pm

Slash

How do you feel about moving front-loading washing machines? Because apparently, those fuckers are heavy. At least that was how it seemed when I watched the two large men deliver it to my apartment. Only one flight of stairs, though.

I will never own a Nordic Track.

04.27.11 at 1:13 pm

Slothrop

And well said Brutus. Of course my ivory tower is in a strip mall and requires only a pulse to become enrolled.

04.27.11 at 1:21 pm

FavreFAIL

As an addendum to this moving hate: FUCK YOU to the lameass “friends” that try to guilt you into “helping” them move. Translation: I’m too damn cheap to hire out a renting crew and will just beg the only people I know who own a pickup truck. Fuck those people with a rusty pole.

04.27.11 at 1:39 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

@FavreFAIL

Being in college, I know these people. “Nah, bro, I’ll get a 12 pack and a pizza and it’ll be chill!”

There is nothing chill about getting your hand smashed by a dresser because you’ve got palms that are so sweaty that it make your hands slippery, like you’ve somehow been jerking off a dildo made out of olive oil.

04.27.11 at 1:44 pm

DancingBaptist

Word of warning to all of you who hate moving, either yourself or others. Don’t buy a truck of ANY kind. Guy in my unit sold me his old F-150. I swear within DAYS I became the official transport (and free labor) of neighbors, friends, friends of neighbors.

04.27.11 at 1:50 pm

mr_rodgers_neighborhood

@ slash

I spent a few years delivering appliances. Although heavy, our front load washers often end up in newer houses on first floor laundry rooms. They also have pretty manageable centers of gravity and are cubes, so all in all not bad.

Now, moving those fucking chest freezers in and out of basements, that’s a death trap. We disposed of the old ones, and they could kill you in a dozen ways. First, they’re heavy as shit because they’re all steel, not the thin light aluminum used now. They’re always in the basement, which means somebody has to be on the bottom hoping your partner doesn’t lose his grip and the thing crushes you. They’re always moved in before all the trim and furniture is in the house, so the space isn’t there to move them out. Then, they have the exposed fins on the back that can slice your hand off or give you tetanus. Might as well open the fucking thing up, climb inside, and just have them bury you in it.

All that said, movers have it worse than appliance delivery. More shit to break, more irregular objects, and since owners aren’t getting new shiny shit, they’re generally more irritable.

04.27.11 at 1:52 pm

some banned user

Meh. Moving wasn’t so bad. Was actually one of the best “jobs” available in SD for a guy without green card and working permit. Granted, it was assumed that I had stolen something before I had even set foot in the place, so every time I had to listen to some obnoxious person trying to speak some sort of spanish of how I had stolen/broken something. I DON’T LOOK THAT HISPANIC! I’M WHITE! JUST BECAUSE MY LAST NAME IS SPANISH DOESN’T MEAN I’M FROM MEXICO, YOU CUNT!

Now, scraping boats, that was the shittiest job I’ve ever done in my entire life. Literally. Tons of fecal matters swirling around those putrid waters. And the pay was horrible, something like 10 bucks an hour.

Still, greatest time of my life. Weed, surf and pussy all day, only work when I want.

In the learn somthing new every day category: frankish loanwords. Thanks

04.27.11 at 2:03 pm

Gino Tourettsa

I’ll bet Sting has a Nordic Trac. Fuck you, Sting.

Wait somebody mentioned “Dune”?

04.27.11 at 2:23 pm

starksgotejected

Can we get that “what’s a good tip” question answered? I always wondered about this.

04.27.11 at 2:23 pm

Brutus Ballsack

Slothrop – You have just ruined the picture I have of you, in my mind, sipping Manhattans in an office on the 15th floor of an ivy covered tower with some co-ed trying to improve her grades by any means possible. Reality sucks!

04.27.11 at 2:33 pm

porky1

I work six days a week and refuse to hire movers since I’m cheap. So to move five miles away has taken two weeks, and it’s still in progress.

The wife’s elliptical is still in the old house and I’ve been dreading the “go” order for days. I agree wholefartedly with this rant.

Upside, since the movers are me, the wife, and the in-laws, the only thing that’s disappeared is one of my 4 “Futurama” coasters. The downside is BITCH YOU THREW AWAY MY “FUTURAMA” COASTER?!?!?

04.27.11 at 2:47 pm

ThePirateSloth

@Lugnutz – It’s hard damn work, HARD I tell you, to be this lazy. You be careful who you call sloths or one of us will eventually come along to show you what is wh…..

/fell asleep

04.27.11 at 2:57 pm

Spanky Datass

“Do you know what the chicks make? They make shit.”

04.27.11 at 3:13 pm

TK

So does this mean in the next couple days you’re going to be fired for disgracing the company via unrelated online personality?

04.27.11 at 3:21 pm

Slothrop

Sorry Brutus. Reality is teaching in a rented classroom in a soon-to-be-closed elementary school media center while slugging coffee so I don’t fall asleep on the 135 mile commute home. It’s a glamorous world of higher ed, let me tell you. The cramps from sitting in the tiny chairs do nothing!

04.27.11 at 3:24 pm

Gino Tourettsa

I can sympathize: I’ve been on this path in a professional capacity before. But being the unpaid conscript of family or friends who are moving is arguably worse. I just helped my brother and bitchy sister-in-law move. Every damn thing my bitchy sister-in-law owns is a combination of heavy, awkward, pointy and sharp. She doesn’t help, but supervises and seems to think every item is a relic from the Ming Dynasty. My reward was a crappy dinner I tried to decline and passive aggressive remarks from her on my direction in life. Fuck you sister-in-law. I totally got stoned in your garage.

04.27.11 at 3:29 pm

Slash

Paying people to move your shit is the best money you’ll ever spend. I’m a tiny little woman, so I couldn’t move most of my crap anyway, but at this point, I would feel bad trying to get friends to help me move. I’d rather pay strangers to do it.

04.27.11 at 3:49 pm

Big Black Richard

I’m buying a house soon. I would totally pay Ape to fly out here and help me move my shit.

04.27.11 at 4:03 pm

Table Scraps

You’re supposed to tip movers? Jesus Christ

04.27.11 at 4:16 pm

Big Black Richard

“Just the tip, baby.”

04.27.11 at 4:41 pm

FavreFAIL

@Slothrop – please tell me you visit this site while at work, then leave it open for the little tykes to gaze their eyes upon when they come to school later. We have to be like tobacco – hook them while they’re young.

I also wanted to bring up Ape’s complaint of seeing gay porn in plain sight while moving, as I didn’t see it the first time. You think we like seeing straight porn lying all over the place when we visit friends, or even the softcore shit that’s all over billboards and commercials? No, but we just deal with it. You can too. Seeing some photo wang won’t hurt ya. Chances are, they probably did it just to fuck with you. I hope one day you’ll have to move an entire gay fuck dungeon across a 700 yard sand pit containing nothing but pissed-off Jawas trying to steal your shit, and you’ll wish you were only handling a NordicTrack

04.27.11 at 4:41 pm

Christmas Ape

Regarding tips:

Unless it’s a ridiculously easy move, like moving a twin bed, a few tables and a dozen or so boxes, $25-$30 per mover is pretty good. The duration shouldn’t be a factor as much as difficulty. For instance, if you’re moving into the fifth floor of a building with no elevator and a bunch of heavy furniture, you should probably tip more. Unless of course the movers break something or show up late as shit.

Keith tipped me and the other mover about $80 each and his move was pretty easy. It was scheduled for four hours and we finished it in two and a half. I’ve had moves three or four times more difficult and strenuous than his and gotten nothing.

04.27.11 at 4:43 pm

Keith

Also, if you’re planning an New York to DC move, and want to bring down the last edible bagels you’ll have for a while, SET ASIDE the ones you plan to bring down before offering any bagels to the movers, else you will lose your entire bag.

That’s what I get for buying gatorades for the movers.

04.27.11 at 4:44 pm

The Harvin Headache

I worked as a mover on weekends when I was in high school. It was one of those rinky-dink, Israeli-owned movers in the warehouses along 3rd avenue in Brooklyn. They owned a few trucks and wanted to make money off them, so fuck it — they’re a moving company.

Hours sucked. We’d start at 7 a.m., get breakfast, head over to Bay Ridge, and the rest was like Ape said. We’re grabbing awkward furniture, navigating it through tight spaces, and incurring the wrath of the WASP woman who has no concept of size. Probably because her husband has a small dick.

Tips ranged. We were a three-man team and got $20 each on one job. Easily the best. Other times, we’d have to split $30… or in worst-case scenarios, split $20. The good thing is we were paid for our days off the books. So a 12-hour day at $7/hr + tip wasn’t bad. I had youth on my side, so my body recovered quickly enough.

These Israelis also owned storage space before Manhattan Mini became all the yuppie rage. And they were thieving motherfuckers. Pulled out a 16-hour day with them one weekend to unload some storage into a truck that the owners wanted for their new house. Nothing was locked up on that floor — just wrapped tightly in carpets, cellophane, and other shit. These guys took it as an opportunity to loot for trinkets, encouraged by the manager.

Sucks in retrospect, especially since it’d be an entire day for $100. But I had my own money at 16, and that meant something in my rage against the lower-middle class phase.

04.27.11 at 4:47 pm

Christmas Ape

And as far as Slothrop’s complaint about movers showing up with a too-small truck. In my experience, this is usually the customer’s fault for egregiously underreporting the amount of stuff they have.

Surprise upon arrival: Add a love seat, an outdoor grill, four bonus eight-foot-tall bookcases, three bicycles, and twice as many boxes. Oh, and an elliptical.

04.27.11 at 5:04 pm

Depressed Dolfan(aka Mike13)

Oh please Ape, we all know you actively seek out the gay porn.

04.27.11 at 5:14 pm

TheStarterWife

I’m with Slash. Ask a friend to help you move? I’d rather ask for a kidney first. Apartment moves are cheap. Moving a house? Affording a house means having money for a mover in my book.

(Related; my rant on people having too much shit. You haven’t used something in more than 6 months? 12 months? You don’t effing need it. Having to keep a larger home to house worthless nonsense is money down the drain.)

/Eff you friends who always ask me to help you move because I have a station wagon. $20 for a new BILLY set of shelves from IKEA to replace your old BILLY shelves is cheaper than a tank of gas.
//Spring cleaning

04.27.11 at 5:43 pm

Bob Dylan

@DancingBaptist:

This is precisely why my wife sold her ranger and bought a hatchback. Holds just as much stuff, but people don’t ask her to help them move.

04.27.11 at 5:56 pm

Me Again

I’ve moved every year for the last fifteen (my husband is in construction) and hiring reputable movers is a must. I’ve had nothing but excellent experiences, thank Breesus. Give them lunch, water/Gatorade and snacks? They will kiss your ass the whole time. Love it.

Topic? Fuck Nordic Tracks- I have an old dusty ironing board to hang my clothes from thankyouverymuch.

04.27.11 at 6:26 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

The last time that I moved with my parents (about 10 years ago), my mom bought the movers food, drinks, etc.

Unfortunately, they also stole half of our shit, so that kind of blew. I was mostly sad about the 3DO and the 32X getting stolen. It’s probably my parents’ fault for going with a disreputable moving company (none of the workers were on the books, or at least that’s what the owners told them), but either way, it’s a harsh world out there. I’d personally move my own shit, but I know that’s an unattractive option for a lot of people, and my opinion is colored by my own experiences.

@Ape

Out of curiosity, what’s the worst thing to move?

04.27.11 at 6:41 pm

cliverush

The original Nordic Tracks were ski machines that folded up and slid under a bed. The problem was that the fat lazy idiots who bought them could not figure out how to use them. The ones they sell now make great clothes hangers.

04.27.11 at 8:22 pm

Christmas Ape

Out of curiosity, what’s the worst thing to move?

After an elliptical, probably a really heavy King-size mattress with no handles. Why every mattress doesn’t have handles I’ll never understand. Wobbly fucking shits.

04.27.11 at 8:43 pm

porky1

Yeah, we have a handle-less King-size. And we have narrow stairs. The eventual solution was to tie a rope to it and lift it up to the second floor, thank Jeebus it has an opening.

04.27.11 at 10:15 pm

Slothrop

@Ape: The guy doing that estimate came to the house. He saw. He was just an asshole. Crooked company operating under North American’s banner in Atlanta. FUCK THEM.

04.28.11 at 12:04 am

johnny boy

I did the moving gig once…. a little disappointed there wasn’t a mention of Sony Trinitrons… I wanted to shoot every customer who owned one.

04.28.11 at 12:10 am

subo

As a former furniture mover and mattress delivery monkey, I appreciated this column. Nothing like going to on-base housing with a 350 lb king size memory foam mattress, only to find the guy wants you to fold it like a tortilla and then shove it through the narrow stairway for 20 minutes. I made him sign for the delivery before we did that because I knew it was going to get fucked up.

Now I work in a pet store moving heavy shit all day. Workin’ man can survive.