Archive for the 'Non-Sequitur' Category

I swear to God, America has developed an “If I Could Just Touch the Hem of His Garment” complex with Barack Obama (for those of you not familiar with the New Testament that is a reference to the woman with the hemorrhage who said if she could just touch the hem of Jesus’s robe she would be healed. She touched it, and she was healed). Anyway, it seems the media is looking for anyone and I mean ANYONE who knew Barack or Michelle Obama at some point before he ran for public office. It is ridiculous. They will find that person who took Barack’s drivers license picture back in Hawaii and ask them dumb questions like, “Would you ever have guessed that he would be president one day?” The answer is NO. Just like guys at Yale didn’t know that the coke head doing a keg stand on their coffee table was going to be president one day (George W. Bush). I swear news outlets have entire staffs devoted to finding people that knew the Obamas back in the day. One day you are going to turn on the news and see this:

In this CNN exclusive, we have the woman Barack dated… before Michelle Reporter: So when did you first meet Barack?

Woman: Well it was at a party at Harvard. He was really quiet.

Reporter: How long were you in a relationship with President-Elect Obama?

Woman: Back then, we just called him Barry. And it wasn’t much of a relationship… actually we just hooked up that night at the party.

Reporter: I see, so… when you were “hooking up”, did you know you were sucking the future 44th president’s dick?

And this is the shit people are calling news nowadays. We have an economy in shambles, Israel is blasting Gaza, people are losing jobs… and the media wants to know “who knew Barack 15 years ago” or what dog Sasha and Maliah are going to get. I will put an end to this madness: No one really knew Barack was going to become president one day and if they say they did they are lying and the kids are getting a pitbull… or a rottweiler. Some really hood dog.

I really want to write about the New York Times article I just read on the atheist bus movement in London and now around the world. I’ve been trying to think of something clever to say about it, like using the evidence of their organization around one man, Richard Dawkins (pastor? prophet?), as proof that there is an Atheist religion. But the first hit off my Google search for “atheist religion” led me to some British atheist’s blog and his very persuasive argument against the possibility of an atheist religion. Apparently that would be akin to saying that if I don’t believe in unicorns, I must belong to the “No unicorns” religion. Touche, Mr. Barnett. I will forgo all attempts to accuse you of being religious.

I could talk instead about how the advertisements that these atheist groups are running in London self-defeatingly proclaim “There’s probably no god. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life” rather than saying “There is no god” (emphases mine). Dawkins, of course, would rather have it say the latter, but – and I’m not sure if I buy this – apparently advertisement regulations prohibit the ads from saying that there absolutely is no god, hence the “probably”. Here’s something I can pick on. Why bother selling a product that you can’t promise will work? Pascal once made an argument for people like that – commonly called agnostics (or, according to my philosophy professor, cautious atheists) – and its called Pascal’s Wager. Wikipedia link here. Pascal makes a reasonable argument for belief in God based on probability, essentially saying that no matter how improbable it is that God exists, it is still more rational to wager that God exists. I’m sure the theologically-inclined could take issue with some of the suggestions implicit in the Wager, but the point is still made. Nevertheless, I admire Richard Dawkins and company for standing up for their beliefs and attempting to stick it to the Man. Or His shadow, anyway, since in their book the Man probably doesn’t exist. Nor unicorns, for that matter.

I was watching TV at home over Thanksgiving Break, and I saw MTV had a show were average Joes compete to become friends with some of the guys from the Hills called Bromance. I thought to myself, “Bromance? That’s really homoerotic… For absolutely no reason at all.” The term bromance has caught fire and now any close guy relationship is a bromance, and it makes one wonder: what the fuck happened to just being friends? I have no problem with homosexuals at all, but I don’t want to get bromantically involved with someone. What happens if one of us gets a girlfriend? Are we cheating on the other “bro”? Are bromance break ups just as rough as real break ups? So many men have problems being faithful to women, can we really trust men to be faithful to men? Can you have a one night stand with a bro? Like, you meet a guy at the mall. He is really cool so you invite him to a baseball game, and then after you drop him off at home after the game you never talk to him again. Would that bro feel used? I think I am going to stay away from bromance… I don’t know if I can handle the heartbreak.

So I’m relatively new to this whole blogging thing and to me its like when you first start sex. Like, don’t get me wrong… I’m a well endowed blogger, but like when you first start having sex and it’s not at all mind blowing. But its still nice, so you keep trying the same 2 moves for a while just to see if the lack luster first time was just a fluke or like nerves or some shit… and no, its still not that great. Then you meet that older woman, who decides to take you under her wing and turn you into a world class lover. And she like, takes you through the kama sutra and you watch soft core porn, so you can learn how to truly please a woman. And the sex gets better and better and better… for her, and at first you are kinda proud that you give her the best orgasm she has ever had. Then you realize, “I have been fingering and eating this girl out for like 3… 4 weeks. Can I at least get a handjob?” Eventually you and the older woman part ways (because thats always how it is on like… those pornos that come on Oxygen at 2 in the morning. The woman just like bounces and leaves you in the bed naked… and steals your wallet and shit) and you are like “Fuck!”. So eventually you get yourself together, and you get back on the dating scene and what not, you meet a girl, and you leave so you all can get busy. So on the way to your place, all those things that the older woman taught you are going through your mind and you think “I am going to blow this girls mind”. So you go through the necessary flirty bullshit once you get to your place because it was a long drive and you both had kinda lost the urge to do it. Ok, so its go time and allllll that stuff you learned from the older woman, you know, on how to be the worlds greatest lover… it goes clean out the window, and you start doing those same 2 sex moves that you were doing back in the day when you first started. And you know what? It was still the same result, but afterwards you feel proud because fuck it, they are your shitty sex moves… and hey, you got a nut. I forgot where I was going with this… OH YEAH! BLOGGING! Its kinda like all that… minus the sex of course. Sure I may use the same two lame moves for a while, but just give me a little while. One day I will be a blogging porn star!

Why do so many women act like its a source of pride that they treat their men like pieces of shit?

“Hahaha I made my sick husband sleep in the basement because he was coughing! I’m awesome!”

“I made <enter generic pussy name here> ride the train with me for 2 hours even though he had to turn around and go home after I caught my flight because I just felt like making him do it! I’m the shiz-nit!”

“Yay! I made my man fix my air conditioner while his out of town friend was visiting even though its 60 degrees outside and there was nothing actually wrong with it!!!!!!”

Ohhhhhh… I respect you!

Bitches, your pussy-whipped boyfriend/husband/lover being pussy whipped… this does not mean you are loved more or better looking or a better catch. It means that he’s a pussy and that he’s desperate enough to think that you’re as good as he’ll ever do. Yeah, thats what it means. And baby, thats all it means.

Now, we’re all a little bitchy to our partners now and then… bad days happen, pregnancy happens, PMS happens, lots of things happen to make us fly off the handle every once in a blue moon. And most of us, feel bad or at least a little guilty about it. But these chicks, they act like its f-ing awesome that they stick a dildo into the ass of their boyfriend’s spirit everyday!

I suppose with the whole “Why Men Marry Bitches” phenomenon, this should come as no surprise. There was once a time in my short life where “bitch” was an insult. Now, it appears, it is an aspiration.

But as bitter as I sound, this is actually a blessing. Go ahead, take those desperate saps off the market and do with him whatever you like. I’m gonna go off with my real man, who actually has a pair of balls. I win.