Friday, March 15, 2013

Music Television, which needs to change its name to TeenDumpNet before I smack the sandwich out of its hands, used to show Beavis and Butthead, Daria, Bjork videos, and things like this:

Now its schedule is comprised almost solely of things like this - "reality" shows that find just the right balance of depressing and boring:

I realize that we're living in a different era now, where most of MTV's target demographic is too busy scrolling angrily through the twelve flirtatious comments on their exes' Facebook selfies to pay attention to smart, off-kilter characters and writing. Case in point, Beavis and Butthead came back with a vengeance (still funny!) but receded into the ether at some point, leaving me confused and scared. Warren the Ape debuted to an undeserved collective yawn and died a fiery death after one season. This year, other than announcing a third season of Awkward, there are zero attempts on MTV's part to retain any shred of dignity it once had.

And it pisses me off for being so phony. It often has no patience for "talking head" scenes, like Bravo does (but Bravo is for slow, rickety oldsters who like their episodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills punctuated by ads for Lipitor and Activia), so they toss kids bland scripts and make them do stiff voice-overs. Things along the lines of:

"I never thought that having a child would be so difficult."

*crickets*

"It really has made me think about what's important in life. But I really don't know if I want to give up my dreams of being a famous model."

*sound of me falling onto glass coffee table*

I also noticed that a lot of MTV's "fights" now involve one angry (and by "angry" I mean "pretty annoyed" - you have to take the dregs of the passion department in this neighborhood) kid whining to another kid, who is staring slack-jawed into the middle distance as they "process" the angry kid's points. The rebuttal is usually something like, "Okay, well, like, that's the way things are gonna have to be." With friends like these, who needs Lunesta?

Last night I watched an episode of True Life, which I don't believe MTV hires actors for but which I'm certain coaches and stages the shit out of the proceedings until you feel like you're watching really bad TeenNick (The Real World is in this camp, and even has shameless product placement; Sun Drop pullover hoodie, anyone?). This particular episode enraged me on a personal level: In I Have Orthorexia, Andrew makes a "conscious effort not to poison [his] body" by going vegan. Granted, he cares nothing about animals and is vegan strictly for health reasons, but motivations aside, his absolute ignorance about his chosen lifestyle is inexcusable. In this age of Google-a-bob and Searchy McHotJeeves and such, this jackass's veganism apparently amounts to steamed vegetables, plain white rice, and water. His body becomes frail and his complexion becomes volatile. He and the people around him (including MTV's producers) send this clear message: Veganism is the product of an obsessive disorder; it leaves you feeling imprisoned by your limitations; it damages your physical health and appearance; if people just woke up and ate organic grass-fed meat that came from "humane slaughterhouses, where they're really nice to the animals" (WHAT, ANDREW?) they'd be robust and jubilant instead of a total buzzkill.

UNACCEPTABLE.

Andrew eventually eats a local, "natural" hamburger at his friend's house, and the moment is filmed as if he's getting a long-awaited "remission" stamp at Sloan-Kettering. Note that he gets the ground beef from a farmer who explains that the stress level of a cow affects the taste of the meat. That's a shame, since getting your trachea ripped out while you're still alive usually causes a small to moderate amount of stress.

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I should compose a sternly worded letter to MTV and demand that it rerun Jimmy the Cab Driver segments and the alternative/electronica/Return of the Rock morning video bursts I watched while sipping coffee through my teens and early twenties. Until I get an answer, I guess I'll move on to True Life: I'm a Bridesmaid. ﻿

According to ecorazzi, Tom Hardy is in New York City shooting, Animal Rescue. Can this movie please just be 120 minutes of Tom Hardy snuggling a pit bull puppy? Actually, the perfect movie would be him snuggling a pit bull puppy, then drunk Nick Nolte, then back to the pit bull puppy.

While we're on the topic of dog actors, Lizzy, an adorable Corgi pouch, got fired from The Audience, a play she was starring in with Dame Helen Mirren*. Lizzy apparently refused to "obey" Dame Mirren's commands. Sources say Mirren took issue with Lizzy improvising during scripted scene. (via The Telegraph)*Helen Mirren, best known for her portrayal as Mrs. Tingle in Teaching Mrs. Tingle.

Veronica Mars... wait for it... THE MOVIE!!!! Holy Shit! I never thought this day would come. They have a Kickstarter and a video that makes me want to watch the entire series right now (which I am watching while blogging). Oh yeah and they're going to start filming this summer. I heard a rumor** that if they can collect $4 mil, Ken Marino is a definite! Can you live in a Veronica Mars world without Ken Marino? Neither can I!!!**When I say rumor, that means I made that up, but the internet can pressure Ken Marino if he's not already involved! We can make this happen!!

Are there visions of Armageddon 2: Apocalyptic Boogaloo break dancing in my head or is that just Steve Tyler talking about writing a song with Taylor Swift? (via jezebel)

Have you ever wondered why Die Hard with a Vengeance broke the Christmas theme in Die Hard? It almost doesn't feel like a Die Hard movie at all to be honest except for the brother of Hans Gruber seeking revenge on McClane part. Is it possible that the rumors about Die Hard 3 starting out as Lethal Weapon 4 are true? Close... but if you want to know the truth read on. (via comicbookresource.com)

Do you know about JASH yet? I mean you should know about JASH by now, it's the future of the internet, it's the new internet, it's going to make everyone whose reality is partially based in online life a lot better quality-wise. Let's all send thank you letters to Sarah Silverman, Michael Cera, Tim & Eric, and Reggie Watt. When I say thank you letters, I mean snail mail on personalize stationary with cute stickers on the envelope because these people care about us. The Youtube we knew is gone, embrace JASH! (via The Daily What)

Remember the Mark McGrath and Friends Cruise! Essentially every band that didn't survive the 90's... right? There might be a couple more. So that got cancelled and right now I am laughing hysterically at Mark McGrath's tweet about "that poop cruise" doing them no favors. (via BrooklynVegan)

Justin Timberlake sung and danced his way into the hearts of every vegan with one skit on Saturday Night Live:

There are too many recipes for a hot toddy on the interwebs. The essentials are whiskey, hot water, honey (aka agave nectar or bee-free honee), and lemon. Wild cards include tea, cloves, cinnamon sticks, etc. When it comes to cocktails, just add what you like. If you enjoy it, that's all that matters. My recipe above included agave nectar, lemon juice, whiskey, a lemon slice with whole cloves, and hot water.

Email that crap out of us @ monicatara[at]gmail.com. Or just comment here! We love you and we want feedback and cocktail ideas!