Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Let's take the low road!

So at around 6 a.m. this morning, the President rolled out of his plush warm bed in the White House, wiped the sleep from his eyes, let out a long, basso fart and fumbled for his phone.

Pictured: Members of the Marine Corps Special Tuba Detachment
tasked with playing outside the President's bedroom for unrelated reasons.

Above: what I'm almost positive
the President's phone looks like.

Then, with thumbs crooked around what I assume is a tacky, gold plated and jewel encrusted phone, tapped out a petty, mean-spirited tweet that stripped thousands of American service people of their jobs for no reason other than he is a hate-filled, insecure man in whom must certainly lurk the deeply suppressed knowledge that he deserves virtually none of the things he has. Not his success at business, not his wealth, and certainly not the presidency. Huh? Sorry, that was pretty harsh. I should explain. Look, I don't usually go in for fart jokes but for real, tell me the droning sound of bitter old man flatulence doesn't immediately spring to mind when you picture the President sending out one of his tweets-huh?

Because, you know, the
hat promised greatness.

Oh, you meant about all that other stuff I said. Well the thing is, today's announcement is like the dickest of dick moves from the self-appointed king of dick moves, and I'm, you know, outraged. With a series of tweets, an unqualified real-estate mogul turned game show host turned
technical electoral college winner with the worst approval rating in the
history of approval ratings just booted all transgender people from
serving in any capacity in the American armed services. So like, is
America great now?

Here, check out the text of the tweets and, as always, the weird capitalization and extravagant use of ellipses are his, not mine:

"Transgender? No, the T stands forterrific. Because I'm so terrific."

"After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow...." ".....Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military. Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming...." "....victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail. Thank you"

Thank you? Thank you? First of all, they're not the hell his generals. Second of all, according to this, the RAND corporation's study on the impact of lifting the old ban on transgender service people estimated that the medical costs to the military would increase by $2.4-$4 million per year. Yikes, right? Well, yes, but this is the government we're talking about and we spend about $6 billion (with a 'B') on medical costs for the military. Don't get me wrong, $4 million is a lot of money. I get that. But it's not
unreasonable when we're talking about a budget of $6 billion.

And it's straight-up chump change when we're spending $20 million just so the president can go chill out at his golf-resort on weekends.

Ever wonder what unmitigated gall looks like? Becuase
it looks like a billionaire who spent $20 million of our money
on vacations quibbling over $4 million for our troops.

Again, I'm saying I'm not better than this.

But whatever, all this to say I'm sorry I felt the need to go low here. I'd say I'm better than that, but I think we both know that's not true. It's just, and this isn't an excuse, it's just sometimes people make me like,
really mad and sometimes that anger comes out in the form of low brow humor, like fart jokes, or that time I suggested that Pat Robertson was fixated on gay sex or when I implied that the president of Chic fil-A
enjoyed kinky animal role-play with his father. Sometimes this guy really makes me want to take the low road.

Oh, and before you judge me for using juvenile humor to vent frustration, and judge me you should, remember that I'm not the one firing thousands of U.S. service members for being trans, I'm just making fart jokes about the guy who did.

Huh, say, you don't suppose he only says all that stuff about being a yuge
fan of the military because it's an easy way to score points with his base, do you?