So David Cameron has a bad back that is going to stop him from hunting deer in Scotland. Apart from reminding us that he's an out of touch posh git, does anyome else REALLY REALLY want him put through an ATOS assessment and forced to work jn a menial job with a disability for a while?

The spirit that I have seenMay be the devil: and the devil hath powerTo assume a pleasing shape; yea, and perhapsOut of my weakness and my melancholy,As he is very potent with such spirits,Abuses me to damn me

I wish I cared about stuff at the moment. I wish I cared about fandom politics and sexuality/gender issues and even the sodding government sodding everything up, and fic that is awesome and the latest facebook shitstorm/"improvement" and what's doing the rounds on Tumblr and all that. I wish I cared about writing stories and even just watching fandom shows. I wish I did.

Thing is, this is how I know my illness is much, much worse than it has been in the past. I've never walled myself off from fandom like this before. I have been and am, really, really, really ill. Too ill to work, too ill to be able to go outside the flat in a bad day. Just too ill. I realised doing my DLA form today that I don't conceptualise myself as ill, just as someone who can't cope. But I am, actually, frighteningly, ill enough to continue with a behaviour which could stop my heart, right there in an instant, because I just can't stop doing it.

I fear that there's no coming back from this. I don't know how to get back to fandom. I feel like it's just built up this huge wall of terror and loss and if I make a chink the whole thing will fall down on me. Knowing that I've probably not been missed by more than one or two people makes it easier to stay away. I'm scared to come back and be rejected and I'm scared to try and realise I can't do it. All I think about is my illness and I don't want that in my writing, I don't want to see other people writing about it and fucking it up, I don't want to write the next chapter of something and realise no-one cares.

After nightly disturbances all week I have finally plucked up the courage to ask the drum and bass fans inhabiting the courtyard to go inside tonight after I came home to a room stinking of marijuana a few minutes ago and loud music still on.

Turns out they're not inconsiderate wankers, just stupid enough not to work out that a flat that can take up at the most two sides of a square courtyard might have somebody living on the other two sides. Even if that somebody periodically turns her lights on and off.

Eating Disorders Awareness Week this week has the theme "Sock it to eating disorders". My mama and I being craft nuts, we're making socks. I will post some of our in progresses but please please donate because for people like me who are being screwed over by NHS commissioning authorities, Beat is an invaluable source of information and support.

This evening Gok Wan on his new show had a goth SF&F fan in for a makeover. I switched off after it became clear that we were going to hear that she was using her fannish behaviour to keep people - notably nice attractive boys - repelled. However he did this ghastly thing where all her (female) friends and family talked about how much she was trying and failing to hide and repel everyone and that being dramatic and goth/alternative must be a shield she puts up to hide her nice normal personality. She seemed to be unaware that they thought that way.

Which made me think, I'm unaware of my friends thinking I'm putting up a front but what if I'm wrong? my personal feeling is that I'm more honestly myself now than when I was trying to act normally and look normal. But I'd be interested to know if someone thought otherwise.