The Niagara News is the community newspaper of Niagara College located in Welland and Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, Canada. It is created and produced by the students of the Niagara College Journalism program.

Highlighting emotional abuse

We constantly hear about abuse: in the media, from our peers, in campaigns. We know about hotlines you can call and places you can stay if you’re being physically abused.

But when it comes to abuse, in most cases people only think of the physical ones – hitting, biting, hair-pulling, shoving, kicking, or any other rough treatment.

While it appears to be the most dangerous, as it can lead to serious injuries or even murder, we cannot ignore the fact other types exist.

Emotional abuse is easily ignored – by the witness, the abuser, and the victim.

According to Justice Canada, the following are examples of emotional abuse: “threats of violence or abandonment, intentionally frightening, making an individual fear that they will not receive the food or care they need, lying, failing to check allegations of abuse against them, making derogative or slanderous statements about an individual to others, socially isolating an individual, failing to let them have visitors, withholding important information, demeaning an individual because of the language they speak, intentionally misinterpreting traditional practices, repeatedly raising the issue of death, telling an individual that they are too much trouble, ignoring or excessively criticizing, being over-familiar and disrespectful, and unreasonably ordering an individual around; treating an individual like a servant or child.”

YouTuber Matthew Santoro recently posted a video titled My Abuse Story, which has become a big controversy. In the video, he reveals he was emotionally and psychologically abused.

“I was in a relationship with an individual, who, when I first got with them, everything was better than you could ever imagine. I was made to feel powerful. I was made to feel sexy. I was made to feel like I’m a king. And that person was all I ever needed,” he said in the video.

But then she forced him to push everyone out of his life and became “viciously jealous” of every female in his life and on social media.

Then emotional abuse got physical.

“I had a panic attack one night because I couldn’t handle walking on eggshells around this person,” he said. He broke it off with this individual. She prevented him from leaving her home, then hit him in the face.

“When someone you care about strikes you, there’s so many emotions that go through you,” he said. “There’s an indescribable amount of emotions that go through your body when something like that happens.”

Awhile afterwards, she contacted him, convinced him she had changed, and he took her back.

“When I took her back, the real damage was psychological,” he said. “Everything in my life suffered. When I took this person back, I cut everyone out of my life … and my business suffered … everything became about her. I allowed myself to be in a relationship where I was controlled, where I was manipulated, where I was made to do things and act in ways that I would never act.”

A few weeks before making this video, which now has over two million views, he officially ended things with this woman.

Many people in an emotionally abusive relationship don’t realize they are being treated wrongly. The abusers have a way of making everything they do seem normal. Victims don’t realize it is abuse until it is too late.

Even if they do realize, they are often manipulated to stay in the relationship, or are led to believe they deserve what is being done to them.

Sometimes there will be a cycle. Like Santoro’s case, the abuser will be abusive, then change, causing the victim to trust them again, then the emotional abuse will start again.

Don’t go back to them.

Some people start to feel trapped. They don’t know what to do, how to act. There is no “safe place” to go. They’re afraid of being judged.

In the cases I’ve experienced, seen and heard of, the victim becomes depressed, maybe even suicidal or have thoughts of self-harm, starts to have overwhelming anxiety, low self-esteem, trust issues, and they become broken.

In my experience, I’ve been told many hurtful things and it got to the point where I started to believe what was being said.

I’ve seen the results in emotionally abusive relationships. It’s heartbreaking. Even after the couple breaks up, the damage is still there.

The depression and low self-esteem stay. Self-worth plummets. Victims have trouble trusting the next person who comes into their lives. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, or just got out of one, talk to someone, whether it’s a family member or a friend. They will make sure they know you’re loved. If someone tells you they’ve been or are being emotionally abused, take it seriously. Treat it as if it were physical. Don’t ignore it. Make sure they know you care about them and are there for them.

Listen without judgment. Do things that will make them smile. And make sure they aren’t having thoughts of suicide or self-harm. Your words and actions have the ability to break or make someone. Think before you speak and act.