Well maybe if you tried talking to the robots…

At first I thought of maybe doing Duke Nukem or Kratos or someone like that working at Freddy’s but then I thought “nah, that’s too obvious, of course action heroes are just gonna wreck the creepy stay alive horror monsters” then I thought maybe it’d be funnier if Jared, perfect candidate for an unsuspecting stay alive horror traumatized protagonist, goes all action hero on their asses because he’s hung around these macho action heroess for so long their problem solving skills are starting to rub off on him.

Maybe it’s not funny, but Jared deserves to do something kinda cool every now and then. And I mean, all that work swinging a magikarp around, he’s probably got a decent batting arm.

Discussion (149) ¬

Is this really all that badass? Like, I’m assuming he did this before they started moving around of their own volition, so its basically like destroying a bunch of mannequins. Cathartic, sure, but not very actiony.

Side note, so when the security guy destroys the animatronics, they need to fire him. When the animatronics destroy the security guy, ehh, just hire a new one.

To be fair these are killer robots who can overpower a person in sheer terms of strength. He would need to not only doge all of their attempts to grab them and then be strong enough to destroy them all with a bat by either hitting them hard… or hitting them a lot of times.

Still he wasn’t the worst person who’s been hired as a security guard.

It makes me wonder at all the loop holes of the stories… If they’re aware of what these things do, then why even need security guards in the first place? If the guards are needed, why make them so easily accessible for the bots to murder? If a kid’s entertainment location has a problem with grisly murders (for ANY method/reason), how the hell is it still in business and able to employ said guards? Why even keep the bots around? Melt them down and toss away the metal, then get chuck e cheese style bots that have no means of locomotion and are bolted to the stage. You gotta assume that these places at least face lawsuits like there’s no tomorrow.

It’s said during the first two games, IIRC, that the animatronics are not only docile during the day but actually safe for children to play with, and that they’ve only recently started acting “aggressive” on rare occasions (nights usually). It’s heavily implied during the second and third game’s minigames that the animatronics’ AI are also aware of an adult attacking the children, but they have no way to communicate this to other humans and may not have the mental capacity to do so.

The first and second games have your trainer theorizing that the animatronics are wildly bugging out and thinking you’re a disassembled animatronic, so they want to put you in a suit – this is supported during the second game, when putting on the Freddy mask will cause the majority of the animatronics to leave the room harmlessly.

One of the security guards also gets fired for “tampering with” the animatronics.

Finally, the fifth game heavily implies that the animatronics’ builder actively programmed at least one of them to murder or kidnap children.

So not only is the animatronics’ aggressiveness new, unexplained, inconsistent and confusing, but if the builder is still involved, it might also be deliberately obscured. He could very well be dismissing the security guards’ concerns as lies, for example, and “proving” them liars when pressed.

Harder to replace expensive, haunted, animatronics then it is to hire another unemployed idiot looking to make “easy money”. though why did they need them to move at all? make them rediculous stage performers like every other chuck E cheese knockoff and be done with it.

That’s the point… “Our animatronics wander around instead of being stuck on stage!” and you don’t need anyone to walk around in the suit! that’s money saved. (though apparently one of the early editions of the pizzaria had suits that could interconvert between animatronic and very small mech that would crush you if you sweated too much or breathed too hard. )

There is a huge part of me that wants a non-manly Superhero on Canada guy’s team, but that’s because North Star is awesome and if the Commander’s team has Poison Canada guy needs one fabulously gay character too.

Somehow I’m already imagining Jared in Commanders team, every time hes up to bat he gets a home run. Then Commander asks him how hes so good at this, he just casually tells him his accuracy and hand-eye coordination got real good, what with swinging Mr. Fish around.

Then he gets asked how much magikarps weigh and impresses Commander, as he never looked that strong at first glance or under the clothes he wears.

His issue wasn’t with the weights themselves, it was the workout. Even he said that he felt he could lift more, but that workout quickly wore him out. For example, I can easily lift 50+ pound boxes and move them around a house for hours, but you put a 20-pound dumbell in my hands and not 5 minutes later my muscles are screaming

Fun fact, it’s entirely possible to build up body strength without gaining much mass. Athletes tend to be more lean and wiry than muscular, and a lot of the definition body builders show off is due to being dehydrated which causes the skin to contract around the muscles more. Jared’s scrawny arms could easily be capable of lifting his body weight with little trouble, and that comic where he wanted to get ripped can be explained as him not being used to the posture or specific movements needed from free standing presses, or that he has really low stamina compared to his relative strength. He did, after all, get tired really quickly while doing pretentious stretching which requires as much stamina as it does body strength.

Well to be fair, what else is there to say here if you value life? “Damn it kid! You’re not supposed to destroy the murder bots!” No, just killing murder bots before they kill you is worth some respect.

You’d think the Commander would be a bit more concerned about a place hiring unsuspecting people to watch over a place filled with murderous bots. Not too concerned, but enough to write a sternly worded letter or something?

Iunno, might just be tired and amused by the idea of him writing stern letters chastising a company for hiring kids to watch over a death trap

I find it rather sweet that Jared became such a badass, he is really taking after his kinda-sorta adopted Dad… Then again you have to remember that he went through the whole Pokemon Trainer experience by whacking other people’s Pokemon with Mr. Fish so he has a lot of experience with bashing weird stuff.

He’s always been badass. When he came into the agency he had murder-bludgeoned a goldfish into a laser dragon. He did that by swinging a twenty-two pound carp around like a baseball bat, which are normally in the range of TWO pounds. Dude is strong, just easily winded.

you know that guy who’s pretty strong, but is overshadowed all the time because he hangs out with people who are ludicrously strong? I think jared is like that. Between using his magicarp as a blunt instrument and the various misadventures being around the commander gets him into he’s probably fairly high up on the badass scale compared to normal people. He just doesn’t look it because he doesn’t really hang out with normal people.

Think of it this way. By the time that the Cell Games were happening, Yamcha was probably strong enough to take on Frieza in his final form. DBZ Abridged (and even canon) dump on him a LOT, but the truth is he is one of the strongest human fighters in existence. I actually think the order goes Tien, Krillin, Yamcha, Roshi, Videl, Yajirobe (hard to calculate there since he doesn’t do much fighting in DBZ), Hercule, and Chichi as the purely human fighters. And there’s some points of contention due to a number of factors, such as the fact that even though he participated little in the events of DBZ and GT, Roshi is still proclaimed by his students to be the strongest man on Earth.

Chi Chi is probably stronger than pretty much everybody else except Krillin at this point, given that she not only taught Goten to fight but was apparently good enough that he had to turn Super Saiyan to win. Yamcha is probably about even with Tien, though he did quit after the Cell Saga due to being smart enough to realise how outclassed humans are.

Videl catches up by the time of the post-series movies, where she becomes Saiyaman II. Also, Videl learns how to use ki, which Yajirobe is notoriously unable to do. And Chi-Chi is the strongest human alive, on par with the weaker Saiyans by the end of the series – Krillin is just the strongest human FIGHTER.

It’s not just not not funny, it’s absolutely hilarious! I wan’t to see a gif of Jared going to town against the murder-bots now :D . Plus, from a more personal perspective, I’ve worked at a couple places now that would consider destruction of murder bots more problematic than employees being murdered….

Just as well Jared, you probably got out before they couldn’t afford to pay you anyway. If the company can’t even afford to run the lights all night, or have some sort of defense system against the murderbots, or god forbid, to REPLACE the murderbots with bots of the non-psychotic variety, they probably won’t be in business much longer. Gotta spend money to make money, people! No business sense, those people.

These are a number of the issues I have with the game as a whole. Like “who creates a door that has to be powered to keep it shut”? That’s not how doors work, ever. It’s so full of plot holes, it’s clear what they were trying to do but the mechanics get in the way of taking the story seriously. Bad show.

That kind of door exists. It has a weight balance propelled with magnetic power, which shuts the door when activated. The reason for this design is to allow whoever inside to evacuate when an emergency that causes power failure happens, instead of getting them trapped inside.

Fail-unlocked magnetic security doors are like that. Somewhat rare, because when you have a locked door you usually want it to stay locked, but they unlock on power loss as a safety measure and as a means of control.

While as others note those kinds of doors exist–in RL they tend to be in places you really, REALLY don’t want people getting into normally as much as you don’t want to risk them trapped there either.

The security room at a kiddie pizza-and-play joint rates (at most) merely springing for a hollow metal door instead of hollow wood. They certainly don’t rate self-opening doors nor doors so heavy that you need them to self-open or be rigged to open easily.

It’d only really make sense if the site wasn’t built for them and they were too cheap to replace that room’s original doors–or if the nighttime security guards are being intentionally set up.

Yeah, the whole premise of 5 Nights at Freddy’s was just a big excuse to have creepy robots jump at you. That place was one giant lawsuit waiting to happen; any sane owner would’ve scrapped those bots years ago, or at least sold them to the military. And any sane employee would’ve quit in the first hour. You just have to ignore the plot, or you won’t have any fun.

Yes and no. I should rephrase; you have to ignore the absurdity and so forth in order to have fun. It’s like a big dumb and fun action movie, like Pacific Rim. Yes, I know how silly the idea of giant robots are, but I want to see giant robots beating up giant monsters.

Seriously, legs are too delicate and easily damaged, just replace them with something durable such as treads. Heads are an exposed weakness, put the cockpit in the middle. Arms are also delicate and easily damaged, replace with a turret. Congratulations, you invented the tank.

I think this is another good showing of how the Commander makes for such a great father figure in general. Or a boss, or a supportive friend for that matter. He’s not perfect but man would I love to have a friend like him.

Huh. I feel there’s room for a bonus level joke, like the night manager trying to puzzle out why the previous employees would stay on an extra day in order to get the opportunity to hack into the animatronics in order to make them more dangerous (downright counter intuitive).

One, I figured Rock Lobster would have some respect for that solution. Two, this is why I can’t play those games. I come up with a whole list of reasons the premise doesn’t work/would be done with by a sane individual…

I’ll be honest, I thought that Bonnie’s eyes were little hearts and their main method of killing had turned from suits to hugs.
Hugs.
The least manly way to go.
Luckily he had a bat strong enough to break steel. :O

Not funny? Freakin’ hilarious. I totally like the new Jared. You know, ever since the skull hat thing.
Now just wait a few years before the commander decides Jared needs to join one of the therapy groups or something.

I thought this comic was pretty funny, actually, and I like Jared getting to do something cool.

Unrelated, but since people were pointing out plot holes in FNAF… why do they even have security? You aren’t supposed to mess with the bots and they will KILL anyone in the building, nothing you can do… So why are you there? Those things provide way more security (for free) and I don’t think any of the games ask you to dispose of bodies, so if there is a break in, the robots take care of it. It seems like all you were hired to do was cower in a room for six hours. Do they not know about the murder bots? I thought they did.

Because ‘store is guarded by murder bots’ looks bad on the paperwork. And as far as the story goes all the player characters in the FNaF series make it out alive so they don’t even know they are murder bots, just malfunctioning. It’s never been clear how much the higher ups understand about what’s going on. They know there’s a problem and they’ve got pretty good at preventing legal reprecusions but it’s unclear if they know the animatronics are trying to kill everyone or if the occasional accident just happens.

Considering he got Mr. Fish to evolve by using the Magikarp as a bludgeon, it isn’t really a surprise to me that Jared has that kind of surprise muscle in those soda straws he passes off as arms. Having said that, I’m very proud of him, and hope that he found Springtrap and gave it similar treatment.

Hey, even the baddest dudes will simply go down if you hit them in a bad place with a baseball bat. Consider it like having high offense stats but low defense; if you got two dudes like that going at each other, it doesn’t matter how high your offense is, whoever gets hit first goes down hard. Jared’s got cameras and whatnot so I figure he knows how to strike first. I’d say the animatronics simply got easily destructo’d faces. Says nothing about his swinging arm, which of course IS pretty strong but not “ridonkulous”.

I gotta say, Jared’s progress here is something big in the comic. I don’t particularly even care that he’s swatted away a bunch of bad dudes with a baseball bat, but the fact that he shrugs off murder;

As in, he knows they’re killers. He knows they killed a whole bunch of folks. And rather than running screaming to the Commander at the lightest rumor, he gets to work.

This is hella growth. This is much, much bigger than his smaller achievements like growing a freakishly large Gyarados or taking over command of the macho dudes while Rock was hanging out in the future.

Fired? They should’ve thanked him! All these mascots wandering around on their own with no one to see them must’ve been draining their batteries, costing so much more in energy. That’s going to save them thousands in electricity!

The what little story they give you in Five Nights at Freddie’s more or less tells you they really don’t care if you live or die. I gathered from the wikis that the night watchmen are like blood sacrifices or something, I think the fans of the series put more effort in the story than the actual creators.

my favorite one was a Picture of Foxy trying to Jump scare the new security guard, only for the Guard to lower the paper he’s reading in a unphased manner to reveal it’s Venom Snake, next panel is Foxy sweating alot cause he realizes how screwed he is.

You know, for someone as wimpy and nerdy as Jared, he really has no problem beating shit to death. And it’s not even character progression: in his first appearance he beats cute little pokémon into adorable little smears of blood and guts with Mr. Fish

Yeah having Kratos as a night guard would probably deflate thevtension a bit:An animatronic, animated by dark eldritches, closes in on an unsuspecting Kratos.
Kratos turns.
The robot lets out a small stream of oil, then slithers away, desperate in the knowledge that it has only a small coffe cup’s worth of time before its inevitable demise.

Shouldn’t Jared have found the dead bodies of the five children hidden in the robots? After all that’s why they were haunted. Also why didn’t Golden Freddy murder him? Common Golden Freddy, what’s the problem? Did you just not feel like coming out.