Thursday, September 8, 2011

Badger Preview: Oregon State

Real talk, I've watched the UNLV game roughly 14 times in the last week. You know what I've realized? We're really fucking good. Like, we'd probably beat the Bears 11 times out of 10. Hands down the best offense in the country, and I guarantee the defense turns it around. UNLV came out running some gimmicky Pee Wee style offense and they still could barely score. Now that we're facing opponents that we have some actual tape on, I fully expect Borland to start murdering people on the field every week. Here's what else I learned:

Cliche, but those 20 pounds that Montee Ball AKA the MBS shed are already proving to be helpful. That triple broken tackle, high-stepping touchdown was a thing of beauty. Damn, what kind of numbers would he put up if he had no competition?

The Badger Play Action Game is definitely giving defensive coordinators in the B1G nightmares. Scary stuff.

So, with that, we're 1-0. But that doesn't matter, because it's a new week and there's only one thing on the agenda.

We're gonna score 80 points this week.

That's me, quoting myself. I actually just said that to my roommate. Makes way too much sense. THE FACTS:

1) Oregon State (I refuse to call them OSU) lost last week to an FCS team - TRANSLATION: they lost to a team whose players work in pizza restaurants and gas stations instead of getting cushy scholarships.
2) We have the best offense in history
3) I really wanna score 80 points

Like, I don't get how people say Wisconsin is boring. 'Wahhhh, they just run the ball with slow running backs'. Simply ridiculous. There's nothing boring about dropping 50+ in 4 straight games, which I'm very comfortable in predicting. I plan on savoring every second watching this offense do its thing, because I really don't think we'll see anything like it for a long time. OR MAYBE WE WILL.

CHICAGO BADGERS: I've heard rumblings of a trip to Will's to watch the game. After the sweat lodge that was Redmond's, I think I can get on board with that. If you know of anything else awesome going on that doesn't involve Cedar Hotel (that, my friends, is no Badger bar), by all means, let us know.SHAMELESS PLUGS: I'm going to start compiling links to all my posts on a new tumblr site right HERE. I've decided to do that since I'll now be writing for Brent Favre. In case you were wondering, my social life is completely evaporating.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

TV: ESPN
WEATHER: 72 DEGREES, SUNNY, AGAIN, WHY ARE WE NOT IN MADISON?

THE BEST MEALS IN MADISON11) TBCGC, MANY OF THEM

For the clueless, that would be Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Probably the best fast food item in the world, and at $2, they're easily within a brokeass college student's budget. NOW, I'm sure at least 12 of you groaned or rolled your eyes at seeing a fast food chain like Taco Bell appear on this list. I understand that. But at the same time, it's not just about the CGC. It's about the experience. Taco Bell at 2 am is the closest thing to hell on earth... and I LOVE it. Plus, few places can have a line out the door and still get you in and out in a hurry.And then there's Heather. Sweet, sweet Heather. The crown jewel of the Madison late night fast food employee scene (a HOT scene, for sure). I'm not sure how, but she ALWAYS had a smile on her face, even when dealing with some of the drunkest degenerates around. That's a rare trait, and just one more reason to make the TBCGC experience one of my favorites in Madison.Oh yeah, someone on this email chain hooked up with her. That's some kind of dirty that I have very little desire to know about. I AM SECRETLY JEALOUS.

Underrated, the most disappointing aspect of the flat defensive performance a week ago was the D-Line. They got ZERO push up the middle on pass rushes, and completely failed at keeping the edge on running plays. If you were paying attention, you noticed that UNLV consistently bounced it outside for large gains on the ground. That's what happens when your D-ends don't hold their edge. Watt was a beast at that, and there was a reason you couldn't run well against us last year. Now, Nzegwu and Gilbert have to learn how to replicate that. They don't have to be each try and be JJ (that's impossible, literally), but together they have to learn how to combine for a similar effectiveness. I'm assuming defensive coordinator Chris Ash will light the motherfucking fire under them.

UW Linebackers vs. Oregon State Offense

At first I was gonna make it linebackers vs. passing game, but that would be completely overlooking the shoddy tackling that was on display last Thursday. Now, I'm fully aware that the linebackers have shifted around positions this year, and that Borland is getting his first reps in over a year. But at the end of the day, if your linebackers can't tackle, your defense is worthless. And against UNLV, missed tackles were EVERYWHERE. I'll give Borland a week or two to shake off that rust, but at the same time, I have to wonder if moving him from an edge rusher (where he was pretty much dominant) to MLB is really the right move. I can't help but think that they did it to try and take the stress off his surgically repaired shoulders. And fuck, they coach for a living. My football experience is limited to Madden, Blitz, and that time I dominated in a pick-up game in front of the Kohl Center while waiting for basketball tickets. I WAS EVERYWHERE THAT DAY.*

*Seriously, I really miss waiting in line for tickets. We peaked Junior year when we literally started the line for basketball tickets. Hadn't even won the lottery yet, but I went to the Kohl Center at 7 am one day with a makeshift sign with the words, 'BBALL LINE' scrawled in sharpie. At the time, it probably looked insane. But I thoroughly enjoyed waiting in line - there's a weird sense of camaraderie (HOLY SHIT I SPELLED THAT RIGHT ON MY FIRST TRY) involved, you get drunk, and you're surrounded by people with pretty much the same interests as you. Good times. Plus, those first row tickets for a 30 win team were kinda cool.

For some reason, those have been some of my favorite Kanye lines since day one. They're just awesome, and even though we don't really have cash registers at my job, I fully embrace the idea of fucking your manager up and looting the register after another dickbag comment. Doucheboss is lucky he escaped unscathed.

Admittedly, I'm not big on the Punk Ska scene. Maybe that makes me the minority here. But I was turned on to this song in high school at some point and I won't lie, it's rocking. Plus, anytime a song can combine some horns, distorted guitars, and lyrics about a cartoon I watched as a child, I'm sold.

It's so impressive that what I'm pretty sure is a joke band makes better music than 99% of the world. Seriously, they have some extremely catchy and well-written songs. Yes, I'm watching the bonus features of Get Him to the Greek right now. So what?

True story: I fell asleep (well, passed out) in the EXACT same position last Friday night. The problem was that I was holding a full cup of water. Wanna guess what I woke up to? That would be the sound of me dropping that water all over an external hard drive and my new awesome rug. In my drunken haze I used like 3 rolls of TP to dry it up. I think I'm good on passing out half off my bed with a full glass of water. That can be a once a year type of thing maybe.

THE BEST OF @SHITGROTHSAYS

I actually completely agree. I feel like in every movie you see people sleeping peacefully on their backs. Fuck that noise. I have NEVER been able to fall asleep on my back. I can't even drunk-pass out on my back. Side sleeper for life. Sometimes in the morning when I wake up I try and just lie on my back, just to see if it's possible. 15 minutes later I'm out cold on my side. Can't be good for the shoulders, right?

Passing out mid-conversation, passing out with shoes on... these are some dangerous games to play. For the record, I always hated the rule that if you pass out with shoes on, you get drawn on. Yeah, maybe I woke up from a blacked out pass out and lost my mind once. Who cares. Drawing on people is a bold move. Unless you went to UW-Green Bay. GB Rules.FOOD PORN

For those of you that have never been to Milwaukee, or never even HEARD of Milwaukee (that's so absurd it might not be possible), you're looking at a cheeseburger and fries from Kopp's. Here's the deal on Kopp's:

Unreal burgers

Best custard ever

WAFERS:

I just gotta stop before I hop an Amtrak back to Milwaukee.

SKY PORN

True Life: I'm Obsessed With Taking Pictures Of The Sky. That would be my True Life episode. Which now that I think about it, that show was terrifying to the extreme. True Life: I Eat AIDS Needles. True Life: I Play With My Poop. I'm dead serious that those were actual episodes. I guess being obsessed with taking awesome pictures of the sky is rather tame in comparison.

Awesome.

PREDICTION CITY

Before we look at Oregon State, I have to pat myself on the back a little. Last week:

Completes at least 67% of his passes - CHECK

Throws a touchdown to a tight end - BOOM

That touchdown will most likely come on the first play action the Badgers run - damn

He'll have at least 2 broken plays where he either scrambles like a hybrid of Vick and Chris Johnson, or he throws a dart on the run like a more polished version of Aaron Rodgers - F YEAH

The entire female student body will fall MADLY in love - FA SHO

I will have a new man-crush - MAN CRUSH: ENGAGED

And the score prediction?

WISCONSIN 52, UNLV 10

Actual score? Wisconsin 51, UNLV 17. The lesson, as always, is believe every word I type. Because within a week I will certainly implode and then you can come back and make fun of me.

I'm not gonna ramble on and on about why we're going to win this week. I'll save those words for another day. The pick: