Eels are awesome!

Am I seriously the only one here who appreciates the wonderfulness that is eels? I mean eels are amazing, and there's so many different types. There's
moray eel, the short finned eel, the wilson conger eel, the electric eel (which is a shockingly interesting animal), etcetera.

Plus, think of how cute they are.

You're telling me that that isn't a lovable face?

More eel madness:

So let's give a big round of applause for eels; the most underappreciated vertabrate to ever slither around in the sea.

I do not apologize for the amount of space in this letter I intend to devote to telling you about eels. Wait! Before you dismiss me as pushy, hear me
out. Eels seems to assume that the best way to make a point is with foaming-at-the-mouth rhetoric and letters filled primarily with exclamation
points. This is an assumption of the worst kind because I am reminded of the quote, "A true enemy is better than a false friend." This comment is
not as revolting as it seems because eels is totally gung-ho about plagiarism because it lacks more pressing soapbox issues.

If I could ask eels one thing, I'd ask it why it thinks children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training
as the treasured household pet. The problem is that eels shrinks from such questions like a vampire shrinks from a crucifix. You'd be more likely to
get eels to admit that it will not be easy to lay the groundwork for an upcoming attempt to tell the truth about it. Nevertheless, we must attempt to
do exactly that for the overriding reason that if Fate desired that eels make a correct application of what it had read about cameralism it would have
to indicate title and page number since the ophidian, disorganized propagandist would otherwise never in all its existence find the correct place. But
since Fate does not do this, ill-bred directionless-types would be far more bearable if they didn't spread lies, propaganda, and misinformation. So
don't feed me any phony baloney about how if it kicks us in the teeth we'll then lick its toes and beg for another kick. That's just not true.

Eels's otiose, morally crippled scribblings often resemble an inverted fairy tale in that the triumph of innocence comes at the start and the ugly
sisters of careerism and scapegoatism enter on stage in triumph for the final curtain. Call me old-fashioned, but this is not a question of
interventionism or chauvinism. Rather, it is a question about how if eels gets its way, we will soon be engulfed in a Dark Age of expansionism and
indescribable horror. That's why I'm telling you that its confreres allege that "coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power."
First off, that's a lousy sentence. If they had written instead that with that kind of thinking, eels has no social tenderness, very few of those
amiable private virtues that would win our affection, and none of those public qualities that claim respect or command admiration then that quote
would have had more validity. As it stands, eels relies on sweeping generalizations to "prove" that it has the trappings of deity. If you don't
believe me, see for yourself.

Eels promises that if we give it and its backers additional powers, it'll guard us from shameless, pouty casuists. My question, however is, Quis
custodiet ipsos custodes?—Who will guard the guards?

Eels's hijinks are based on a technique I'm sure you've heard of. It's called "lying". Eels may not have a monopoly on the perpetuation of
recidivism, but its ideas about solecism are strictly for the birds—or at least, for birdbrains. I'll stand by that controversial statement and
even assume that most readers who bring their own real-life experience will agree with it. At a bare minimum, eels has been trying to trick people
into believing that we should all bear the brunt of its actions. Apparently, it has succeeded beyond its wildest dreams with insane Huns; they're now
fully convinced that cannibalism, wife-swapping, and the murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior. Eels has warned us that in a
lustrum or two, annoying, truculent cozeners will stretch credulity beyond the breaking point. If you think about it, you'll realize that eels's
warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that I have one itsy-bitsy problem with eels's viewpoints. Videlicet, they brainwash the masses
into submission. And that's saying nothing about how throughout history, there has been a clash between those who wish to ensure that the values for
which we have labored and for which many of us have fought and sacrificed will continue in ascendancy and those who wish to use deconstructionism as a
more destructive form of prætorianism. Naturally, eels belongs to the latter category.

Don't give eels's crusades a credibility they don't deserve. I don't object to eels's artifices because eels has the characteristics of a randy
maggot. I object because it has had some success in meting out harsh and arbitrary punishment against its foes until they're intimidated into a
benumbed, neutralized, impotent, and non-functioning mass. I find that horrifying and frightening, but we all should have seen it coming. We all knew
that it has long been my opinion—and I have never shrunk from its expression—that few things in life are as enjoyable as watching newly
enlightened people name and shame eels's operatives for their unenlightened acts of commercialism. Need I say more? I don't think so, but this I
will say: Eels insists that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. Sorry, eels, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't
necessarily so."

Some people don't seem to mind that eels likes to instill a subconscious feeling of guilt in those of us who disagree with its threats. What a
salacious world we live in! People sometimes ask me why I seem incapable of saying anything nice about eels. I'd like to—really, I would. The
problem is, I can't think of anything nice to say. I guess that's not surprising when you consider that a central fault line runs through each of
eels's campaigns of malice and malignity. Specifically, eels's desire to undermine everyone's capacity to see, or change, the world as a whole is
the chief sign that it's a doctrinaire sciolist. (The second sign is that eels feels obliged to recruit and encourage young people to till the wild
side of the narcissism garden, just as older drug dealers use young kids to push drugs.)

At one point, I actually believed that eels would stop being so cantankerous. Silly me. Didn't eels tell its gofers that it wants to use cheap,
intemperate propaganda to arouse the passions of atrabilious mouthpieces for ill-natured opportunism? Did it first give any thought to what would
happen if it did? Of course, that question is ridiculous—as ridiculous as its treacherous casus belli.

If eels wants to complain, it should have an argument. It shouldn't just throw out the word "parallelogrammatical", for example, and expect us to
be scared. Eels will probably respond to this letter just like it responds to all criticism. It will put me down as "uninformed" or "repugnant".
That's its standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about it except the most fawning praise. Teenagers who want to shock their parents
sometimes maintain—with a straight face—that eels can scare us by using big words like "electroencephalographic". Fortunately, most parents
don't fall for this fraud because they know that many of the people I've talked to have said that eels and its proxies should all be put up against
a wall and given traitors' justice. Without commenting on that specifically I'd merely like to point out that if eels bites me I will bite back.

Eels's spinmeisters were recently seen creating a climate of intimidation. That's not a one-time accident or oversight. That's eels's policy.
Eels's quips are based on a denial of reality, on the substitution of a deliberately falsified picture of the world in place of reality. And this
dishonesty, this refusal to admit the truth, will have some very serious consequences for all of us one of these days. Eels confers exclusive
benignity to irreligionism. And that's the honest truth.

While my better instincts counsel me to follow a policy of laissez-faire, there are a couple of EELS's statements I feel I cannot let pass. First
and foremost, of all of EELS's exaggerations and incorrect comparisons, one in particular stands out: "EELS knows the 'right' way to read Plato,
Maimonides, and Machiavelli." I don't know where it came up with this, but its statement is dead wrong. It's not just that EELS is a perfect
specimen of Prissy Parvenuus, a species known for compromising the free and open nature of public discourse, but also that we find among narrow and
uneducated minds the belief that we should avoid personal responsibility. This belief is due to a basic confusion that can be cleared up simply by
stating that society as a whole should act as a unifying force to present a clear picture of what is happening, what has happened, and what is likely
to happen in the future. And here, I believe, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in EELS's campaigns. Here's a question for
you: To what gods does EELS pledge allegiance? The gods of ageism and opportunism? The gods that seem most likely to command EELS to annihilate a
person's personality, individuality, will, and character? The thermonuclear gods sitting in reinforced silos waiting for doomsday? You know the
answer, don't you? You probably also know that the suggestion that the moon is made of green cheese is wrong, absurd, and offensive. Nevertheless,
EELS's satraps like to suggest such things to distract attention from the truth, which is that I have begged EELS's partisans to step forth and oust
EELS and its balmy assistants from anywhere we find them interfering with a person's work performance, bodily security, physical movement, and
privacy rights. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how EELS might retaliate? Well, if I knew that,
I'd be in Stockholm picking up my prize and a sizable check.

And if you think that the laws of nature don't apply to EELS, then you aren't thinking very clearly. At this point in the letter I had planned to
tell you that I shall spare no effort to treat the disease, not the symptoms. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that as a dynamic, historical
current, classism has taken many different forms and has evolved dramatically in a variety of ways. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously
prepared and substituted the following discussion in which I argue that EELS has compiled an impressive list of grievances against me. Not only are
all of these grievances completely fictitious, but EELS claims that it can encourage people to leave their spouses, kill their children, practice
witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become scummy hucksters and get away with it. Well, I beg to differ.

EELS would love to see me stampede into the abattoir. Sad, but true. And it'll only get worse if it finds a way to replace the search for truth with
a situationist relativism based on indelicate ruffianism. The first response to this from EELS's proxies is perhaps that all it takes to start a
rabbit farm is a magician's magic hat. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: EELS is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that
it is a spokesman for God. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how unpatriotic EELS is. You can't do it. Not only that,
but the justification it gave for declaring martial law, suspending elections, and rounding up dissidents (i.e., anyone who does not buy its lie that
principles don't matter) was one of the most quarrelsome justifications I've ever heard. It was so quarrelsome, in fact, that I will not repeat it
here. Even without hearing the details you can still see my point quite clearly: In public, EELS promises that it'd never weaken family ties. In
private, however, it secretly tells its comrades that it'll do exactly that. I think we've seen this movie before: It's called Business as Usual
for EELS.

To simplify, many organizations lie. However, EELS lies with such ease it's troubling. EELS is a small dollop of pond scum masquerading as an
organization. But even if we disregard all that and examine only EELS's irritable, primitive vituperations, this seems to me to be enough to show
that EELS doesn't want us to punish those who lie or connive at half-truths. It would rather we settle for the meatless bone of vandalism.

EELS once heard an inaniloquent wheeler-dealer say, "Elected national governments are not accountable to their own people." What's amazing is that
EELS was then able to use that single quotation plus some anecdotal evidence to convince its blackshirts that children should get into cars with
strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them, which makes me wonder, "Why can't it state the facts straightforwardly without their being
exaggerated, aggrandized, altered, fiddled with, dressed up, falsified, and, in short, EELS-ized?" To help answer that question I will offer a single
anecdote. A few weeks ago, I overheard some self-centered nymphomaniac tell everyone who passed by that every featherless biped, regardless of
intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to condemn children to a life of
drugs, gangs, drinking, rape, incest, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and a number of other horrors. Astounded, I asked this person if he realized that
EELS's refrains are complete drivel. Not only was his answer "no", but it was also news to him that EELS's apologues are an icon for the
deterioration of the city, for its slow slide into crime, malaise, and filth. EELS's flacks work behind the scenes to protect undeserved privilege.
But don't take my word for it; ask any unambitious wacko you happen to meet. I don't just allege that this is a fine example of what I've been
talking about; I can back that up with facts. For instance, to someone whose eyes are open, EELS's constantly repeated mantra that the cure for evil
is more evil is an insanely soulless notion. By way of contrast, consider my personal mantra that life isn't fair. We've all known this since the
beginning of time, so why is EELS so compelled to complain about situations over which it has no control? Well, I'm sure EELS would rather supplant
one form of injustice with another than answer that particular question.

Allow me to explain. I have no set opinion as to whether or not it's amazing how low EELS will stoop to create a global workers plantation overseen
by transnational corporations who have no more concern for the human rights of those who produce their products or services than EELS has for its
attendants. I do, however, definitely profess that it insists that it's featherbrained to tear down its fortress of masochism. This fraud, this lie,
is just one among the thousands they perpetrates. Obviously, you shouldn't automatically believe all the allegations I've been making, so let me
elaborate a bit. I am prepared to state my views and stand by them. This is equivalent to saying that EELS has so frequently lied about how freedom
must be abolished in order for people to be more secure and comfortable that some weaker-minded people are starting to believe it. We need to explain
to such people that EELS's view is that if it kicks us in the teeth we'll then lick its toes and beg for another kick. If EELS's pompous confidants
had any moral or intellectual training, such a position would certainly be rendered revolting to their better feelings.

Daily, the truth is being impressed upon us that EELS's theatrics are a logical absurdity, a series of deductions from a premise that has been
denied. Speaking of absurdities, EELS should not exhibit cruelty to animals. Not now, not ever.

We must do right and fear no one. The reason is simple: If you study EELS's deceitful apothegms long enough, you'll come to the inescapable
conclusion that I once had a nightmare in which it was free to manipulate everything and everybody. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was
frighteningly close to reality. For instance, it is the case both in my nightmare and in reality that EELS sometimes uses the word
"succinylsulphathiazole" when describing its taradiddles. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response.

While these incidents may seem minor, EELS's primary goal is to rewrite and reword much of humanity's formative works to favor conformism. All of
its other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. That's why you must always remember that EELS once said that there won't be any
blowback from its identifying political and religious groups that are its political enemies and re-labeling them as "unrealistic insurrectionists"
in order to justify operations against them. Oh, please. I'm just glad I hadn't eaten dinner right before I heard it say that. Otherwise, I'd
probably still be vomiting too hard to tell you that in a recent essay, EELS stated that it has a fearless dedication to reason and truth. Since the
arguments it made in the rest of its essay are based in part on that assumption, it should be aware that it just isn't true. Not only that, but if I
had to choose between chopping onions and helping it enable uncontrollable so-called experts to punch above their weight, I'd be in the kitchen in an
instant. Although both alternatives make me cry, the deciding factor for me is that EELS is extremely vainglorious. In fact, my handy-dandy
Vainglorious-O-Meter confirms that EELS has convinced a lot of people that there is something intellectually provocative in the tired rehashing of
unholy stereotypes. One must pause in admiration at this triumph of media manipulation.

EELS's goombahs consider its casus belli a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of exclusionism. It would be bad
enough if EELS's provocateurs were merely trying to condemn innocent people to death. But their attempts to compose paeans to Comstockism are just
plain uncouth. In EELS's quest to subordinate all spheres of society to an ideological vision of organic community it has left no destructive scheme
unutilized. It's easy for armchair philosophers to theorize about EELS and about hypothetical solutions to our EELS problem. It's an entirely more
difficult matter, however, when one considers that it equates non-cooperation and solitariness with individuality. But wait—as they say on
late-night television infomercials—there's more: EELS has been making a ham-handed effort to show that the Eleventh Commandment is, "Thou shalt
shove the nation towards hooliganism". I'm guessing that most people are starting to realize that such claims are a distortion of the truth and that
we desperately need to combat these lies by maximizing our individual potential for effectiveness and success in combatting EELS. My goal for this
letter was to launch an all-out ideological attack against the forces of statism. Know that I have done my best while trying always to bring EELS down
a peg. Let an honest history judge. www.pakin.org...

S&F OP and I am very glad you posted this thread as it reminds me of a story I was once told about eels :

One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.

"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.

The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.

Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a
fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.

So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would.

Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making
them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow.

It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.

She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by
biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.

After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!

I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!

He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.

After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the
toilet!"

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