Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Cool As

Do you American folks ever wonder if it is just our overheated advertising industry that is responsible for nail polish monstrosities? Finally, I have evidence of a foreign crime worth extraditing (graciously submitted by fabulous Aussie reader Jade).

(photo by Jade)

Cool As? Cool As What? I don't know if I can handle the suspense! A refreshing mountain spring? The von Trapp child Maria forgot about and left in the Alps? That gum I keep seeing commercials for where everything suddenly becomes an ice cavern and for some reason you can then talk to women with ease? Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a thermometer!*

What we really need here is some scientific rigor. (Or with this polish, rigour?)

Dear John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation: I am willing to devote my career to placing this nail polish at its appropriate point on the Coolness Scale. Send grant money and research assistants, stat.

39 comments:

Haha, fantastic post! The graph is amazing. I think I must point out that this term is occasionally used by select Aussies as slang, i.e "That concert was cool as". Cool can be interchanged with words like "wicked", "awesome" etc. We're so weird, I know ;)

Jade--thanks for the clarification--although it really just shifts my question to what is going on with Australian linguistics as a whole! Also, your blog post is beyond sweet! You are cool as in my book.

J.Fonte--I admit that this name isn't as terrible as it could be. Still, that polish doesn't strike me as cucumber-colored, I think they may have been going for more of a generic "cool" minty tone thing.

Tamara--Thanks! I assume you will want to affix a copy to the inside of all your textbooks for constant reference.

Nail Junkie--Thank you. I took a look at your blog--interesting poll, of course I had to vote for the most tacky option!

Laughed several times at the graph, but putting "ice cold" off the chart is seriously in your top ten of funnies. What's cooler than cool? Ice cold, Pander. And you. And Icelandic hipsters, it would seem.Also? Seriously? Fire ants *way* higher up the Y axis than cucumbers. Are your axes logorhythmic? And why you hating on Vanilla Coke? Concept or execution? It's less cool than Vanilla Ice? Come on. Show a balding, middle age, mom-jeans beverage a little more love than that, Pander. "In my day, the soda jerk offered Cokes from the fountain in four flavors in case you didn't want an egg cream."

Nap--I'm glad somebody appreciated my "ice cold" masterstroke. Mea culpa re: fireants v. cucumbers. I was just going on "cool as a cucumber" reflex, but now that I consider it, cucumbers are really just not that cool! However, while I am dismayed to be the bearer of bad news, it is my solemn duty to inform you that Vanilla Coke is so, so, out. Although if it is any consolation, 1) it might be so uncool that it is "ironically" cool again, 2) I have a strange Vanilla Ice fascination, so don't trust their relative position, and 3) there has never been a point in my life when I did not want an egg cream. Actually, I may go to the grocery store for some chocolate syrup and soda water right now.

Breanna--Thanks! I notice that you haven't taken a stand on how cool the nail polish and the name are...can I get some coordinates, for science?

Grace--Thanks for the link! I hadn't seen that story--very interesting. I only wish I got free "hauls" from nail polish companies, but unfortunately, I think it's hard to convince people to pay me to make fun of them!

Why not pay you? Someone pays that old harridan Joan Rivers for making fun of things that mostly don't deserve scorn from the likes of her. You on the other hand pick very deserving targets AND are hysterically funny (which Joan is not).

I have just been overwhelmed with Real Life Things for a bit and felt guilty when I considered setting time aside for blogging, but I agree that it is time for my nail polish hiatus to be over. My public needs me! And I need JC's glittery nail tattoos. I will start working on an entry post-haste, please hassle me if I don't post anything soon.

This is an example of local colloquialism; since the brand is based in Australia (I think) they use local lingo to name their stuff sometimes. And 'Cool As' is part of it. Used like this: "That's a cool as jacket." Or "Cool as, bro." I think.