The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

December 13, 2005

When I was a kid I was enthralled by the BBC tv-miniseries of this C.S. Lewis story. I thought the movie was intriquing and the story top-notch. Last year when I rented the trilogy with my netflix account I was horrified by the realization that the BBC tv-miniseries had the worst production values I have EVER SEEN and the acting was so horrific I’d rather perfer to drink cancer. It was such a deplorable movie. So naturally when the team who made the LOTR trilogies became attached to produce movie again I thought: “Oh boy! High-grade special effects and an accomplished actress like Tilda Swinton, this movie is just bound to be good.”

Oh how wrong I was. After seeing the movie in theatres I have concluded that no ammount of production values or good acting could save this story. Because the story itself is the problem. Nobody can take a frigid ice witch pedophile with an indian midget servent and wolf bodygaurd, a goat-man with a fondness of girls under the age of 11, a flying talking Lion who is the King of the… forrest? (it’s supposed to be jungle right?), and a whole host of talking animals, wereanimals (like a horse-man/centaur), seriously… ever. When I was a kid I was like “oh cool two fat disgruntled talking beavers in a failed marriage! neat!” but at age 21 I’m more likely to say “WHAT THE FUCK?! I PAID FOR THIS?!”

oh and I almost forgot. Santa is in Narnia. Yes. Santa. Is. In. Narnia. And with the ice [b]itch having control over all of Narnia he’s been shit out of luck in having Christmas.