Tuesday, July 31, 2007

It took lots of research, but I think I finally have my draft board all set for Thursday. We’re drafting early this year, but I don’t think it should be much of a problem. I don’t see any Portis-type injuries on the…

OH FUCK!!!!! FRANK GORE BROKE HIS FUCKING HAND!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

Oh God. Oh god, what do I do now? I mean, what the fuck do I do now? It took hours just to slot him fourth! And now… now where the fuck do I put him? Does he stay in the Willie Parker tier, or does he drop to the Willis McGahee tier? What if I draft 7th or at some other queer slot? And where the FUCK do I rank him for my keeper league?

Oh, God. I think I’m gonna shit my pants.

What if I have to pick between him and Brian Westbrook? Should I skip both and take a lesser back with no injury problems? But what if THAT guy gets injured and Gore returns to stud form? God, I would hang myself if that happened. Should I take a receiver instead? What if he gets injured? Christ, then I’ll want to commit seppuku.

Relax, Drew. He’s a stud. Remember when you drafted him in the 4th last year? Made you feel like a fucking genius, didn’t it? He’ll come through. Don’t be afraid to draft him. Old Gorey's still got the magic!

I want all skill position players frozen in carbonite until the season begins. You hear me, head coaches! Quit toying with my potential prized possessions, you Machiavellian fucks!

Maybe his hand will heal in time. Maybe it’s nothing. But God, what if it’s something? What if this impairs his receiving abilities? What if he loses his 3rd down touches? What if he fumbles? Oh God, not the fumbling again. I just can't take it!

But what if the hand just nags the shit out of him all year long and he’s always Questionable every week? Guhhhhhh. The word Questionable gives me hives. I can’t draft questionable. I must draft fucking definitive!

Maybe I should just take Peyton Manning and roll the dice with Jamal Lewis or something.

/bashes head against wall

/swallows handful of Advil

AHHHHHH, I CAN’T BELIEVE HE BROKE HIS HAND! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN MY OWN, GOD?! GAHHHHHHH!!!!

I don’t know why they call it Fantasy football. This is a fucking nightmare.

What Brock said. I'm picking in the five spot and was already having a hard time deciding between Addai and Alexander. Between LJ's contract disputes and Gore's injury, now it looks like I may get neither. Awesome.

Also, I got an update from my fantasy site that "Gore Brakes Hand!" Is it wrong that I now consider them unreliable because they can't even master basic spelling?

I took him as a late-round flier a couple of years ago. He helped lose a game closely late in the year. Fuck the coaching staff for not inserting him in the lineup earlier. Fuck Barlow for being almost serviceable and making the coaches keep giving him chances. But mostly, fuck Gore for not breaking out a year earlier. I hope his hand causes him to fumble three times a game.

this makes me sad b/c gore probably won't be able to update his myspace page as easily with one hand. Now me? I could do that with one hand tied behind my back or wedged in my pants. There is no offseason for illicit adult web surfing, you know?