Wednesday, March 03, 2010

1-800-DIM SOME

My phone rang this morning and it was a Los Angeles area code, although the number was unfamiliar. I picked up because I am headed out to LA for Left Coast Crime next week and thought it might be someone calling about that.

It wasn't of course.

She rattled on for a good sixty seconds about how a friend suggested she call a literary agent for information. By the time she paused for breath, and I could say "I'm sorry, I can't help you over the phone" my other line was ringing, and it was someone I needed to talk to. I said, "I'm sorry" again and hung up.

Of course, I got an email telling me how rude I was.

I'm ok with being called rude. Usually the people who do are the ones who don't understand how publishing works. They remind me of tourists who are offended people in Paris don't speak very good English.

And honestly, if this poor soul had just emailed me, and said "I'm totally at sea here, I don't know what to do, and I found your name on the internet" chances are I would have actually given her a suggestion or two.

And even if I hadn't, the place to get information is called a library not a literary agency. If you don't know the difference, consult a librarian.

Everyone knows (or should know) that the folks up there in The City aren't rude - they're just very busy captaining industry, real estate tycooning, Wall Street mergering, and getting cabs in the rain.

Oh and landing a very nice deal on the latest hot new client, of course.

As opposed to my chief worries, which are when is high tide and why is the rum gone again.

She cold calls, starts vomiting her problems without giving you a chance to talk (which means she most likely knew what would happen if she did), and you're the rude one?

She had your e-mail address and chose to call and interrupt who knows what aspect of your business, and you're the rude one?

She expects free advice (try that with a doctor, lawyer, or accountant some time), and you're the rude one?

If she had your email address, chances are she's got a computer and access to Google. Which means she should have found this blog near the top of the page. So she should have had plenty of information right there, including the "contact" options for you and Fine Print.

At least the time difference works in your favor from LA to NY. It would have been worse if she called you in LA on NY time. :-0

(FWIW, my aunt went to Paris a couple of years ago and said the people there was exceptionally nice to her. The only ones they were "rude" to were the ones who pulled out the high school French and expected them to know what they were saying like they were experts.)

When I was 17, I called a publishing house because the listing in the guide was missing something. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I'd already been to the library and copied out information on publishers I wanted to submit to.

I figured I'd get the receptionist and instead got the editor. Cue total fright.

He was awesome though and said, "Why not tell me about your book right now?" and I did, and he said, "Sure, send it to me."

I got a rejection six weeks later but right then I learned that phones are very, very scary things indeed, and some writers (ie, myself) ought not to be trusted with them. :-)

Sorry, when I started out I decided early-on that the only place to get information and not sound like and idiot would be the internet--then work from there through other writers. Like any career, you have to start from the bottom and work your way up (well, most of the time)...calling an agent is skipping several crucial steps. I hope she finds an awesome agent in the future.

The sheer laziness of some people boggles the mind. (At least it does mine, but I'm easily boggled sometimes.) This person knew enough to have your email address, but she couldn't be bothered to read anything else about you, publishing, the industry... whatever her need was? Sheesh.

The place to get information that might be distributed by a literary agent is from their blogs. I am amazed at how much readily available information is offered to the public at no cost by the generosity of literary agents who also refer their readers to other agents' or relevant sources of information. Anyone aggressive enough to expect a personal instructional course over the phone is not deserving of sympathy.

We live in a world were information is at our fingertips, and as individuals have to be resouceful enough to find it and make use of it. I recently started writing, and the first thing I did was reseach the How's and How not to's. It's true writing takes thickskin, and agents are tough, but they are fair and if you willing they will offer all the information you need. There is no room for spoon feeding here.

This is a clique-ey (my word) place/industry/community/small world--pick one. Some people are clueless, young, inexperienced, naive and hopeful--pick all of them. Be careful, friends, you all sound like ducks pecking away (to borrow from Stephen Covey and probably the only thing I got out of his book). Let's hang on to our humanity here and give the caller the benefit of the doubt. Take a step back from our frenzied lives and view this as a phone call--viewed as a mistake in the literary clique--but, that's all--a phone call. Take a breath, everyone. This literary clique is not something to be proud of--seems a lot like high school and I think we all remember that, no matter what group we ran with.

I laughed out loud when I got to 'library'. Librarians get the same: I once pointed out the tax information books for a lady, and five minutes later she was back at my desk wanting me to help her fill out her tax forms. When I explained I couldn't do that (DUH) she stared at me and then reminded me (oh here it comes, my favourite) that her taxes paid my salary. Pffft.

People do seem to feel entitled to customer service on their own terms these days, much more than years past as I recall them.

Believe it or not, some literary agencies in other countries encourage potential clients to call them in place of sending a written query. Seriously. I found this to be the case in some of Australia's most successful literary agencies. The thought of calling an agent as a "query" is much more terrifying than sending a letter!

You're hilarious. Consult a librarian. Oh, the phone calls. Our last assistant was from the midwest and you hear him giving a short course on publishing to some of these "information seekers." I told him that his challenge was to get them off the phone in under a minute. Then, and only then, he's be a New Yorker.

I can understand that caller. She was clueless and called. However, her e-mail was uncalled for.

I called an actor's agent one morning for info on his client. Trouble was, I had forgotten the 3 hours time difference and called while he was still asleep. I was so embarrassed that I apologized and never bothered him again. Lesson learned....

I run a small business to feed me while I write and when I read this I laughed out loud. I recognized the caller, she called me the other day and asked if I knew how to do something completely unrelated to my business. Providing any service turns you into an object of either adoration or scorn, depending on whether the caller in question gets what they want.

There is very little I read here that couldn't be applied to my job of working with fashion designer hopefuls.

Oh wait, I got a wild inquiry last week. Can you top this?

A designer contacted me about producing 20 styles for her line one week before deadline. This would entail patterns, fitting, cutting, sewing etc which isn't possible -good grief, the fabric isn't even here. In exchange for doing the work, she'd allow me to sponsor her in a fashion show.

Well that makes total sense. It's not as if a hundred potential authors a week could send you a letter and a few sample pages. How else would you find writers if not by traveling to their fine distant conferences?

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I'm a literary agent in NYC. I specialize in crime fiction and narrative non-fiction (history and biography.) I'll be glad to receive a query letter from you; guidelines to help you decide if I'm looking for what you write are below.
There are several posts labelled "query pitfalls" and "annoy me" that may help you avoid some common mistakes when querying.