Saturday, December 04, 2010

The F Bomb, over and over and over again

Sometimes I think that the most important social skill you develop is to not tell someone, who really needs telling, to fuck right off.

Seriously.

I watch children tantrum, I watch them throw their whole body into the expression of their anger, I envy their ability to be outrageously outraged. I get it. Really get it.

Seriously.

Cause sometimes things just piss me right off. Sometimes things seem to conspire together to irk me. And irk me to the nth degree. And man, I was some big time irked, just moments ago. But I didn't do it. I didn't let loose. I didn't stamp my feet. I didn't say, when it needed to be said, 'fuck right off'.

Seriously.

I didn't.

And the reason I didn't may seem odd to you, you might even have trouble believing it too. You see, I've discovered that when you are in a wheelchair and really, really mad, and when you let that anger go, even justified anger that everyone understands, it's kind of 'cute'. It certainly isn't serious. It certainly isn't threatening. Sometimes people even get that same 'I'm being patient' look they get when they watch kids lose control. Few people ever think that maybe that kid is throwing a tantrum for purely rational reasons. That maybe the 'big world' isn't fair and maybe the big people in it are misusing their power. No, they just think it's a kid out of control, poor little dear.

Well, it's the same with me, when I sit in my chair and give vent to my wrath, I get that 'oh my poor you' smile. I get that 'settle down dear' voice. I get that 'you'll do harm to yourself' concern. Or even worse, they develop, in front of me, that attitude that you know, just know, that they think that I am upset because I'm in a wheelchair and not because they are a dickhead. All this in response to a well placed and well needed 'fuck right off'.

Seriously.

So today I didn't say, 'Fuck right off.' And I realize that it's probably completely gone from my vocabulary now. I'll probably never say it to someone, other than another driver, again. Even someone who desperately desperately needs to hear it. Cause now I've got to learn how to be mighty in a wheelchair. I need to learn how to let my anger grow me up to eye level, I need to learn to let my temper give a power to my words that I simply don't have as a cripple.

But I'm working on it.

Cause there is someone needing to hear a message from me.

It'll be a version of Fuck Right Off.

But it will be in 'cripple' ... so it will sound different, but trust me, the intent will be the same.

I have found that it can be quite useful to:1. Look the person straight in the eye.2. Say, very quietly but firmly, "You know, I'm really very angry about ..." whatever it is that has happened.3. Hold the look.

That has worked quite well for me. But, hey - I am an old woman with purple hair, who uses a wheelchair. It may work differently for men.Just a suggestion.

Wow - once again, you've hit the nail right square on the head. I've found since becoming disabled that I seem to always be trying to "take back"...take back my dignity, my power, my femininity. I've no doubt, however, that when you do whatever it is you're about to do, the offending person will feel completely and thoroughly "told". Go get 'em, Dave!

This made me think of the lyrics to an Ani DiFranco song:I am not an angry girlbut it seems like I've got everyone fooledevery time I say something they find hard to hearthey chalk it up to my angerand never to their own fear

A few weeks ago a woman working at the dry cleaners was telling me my coat couldn't be dry cleaned and I couldn't have gotten what I had on my coat because that didn't exist (um, yes it does, try google). Only she acted like I was stupid and was really really incredibly patronising. About every third word out of her mouth was "darling". So I said to her "can you stop calling me darling." and she acting like I'd insulted her, said she didn't mean offence and she spoke to everyone like that. I wish I'd made a complaint to the head office (she was manager) but actually I wish more that I'd suggested that if she talks to everyone like that she might try stopping and see if she gets more friends.

Interesting, that "F" word. When you think about it, someone is wishing you sexual joy. Being celibate for sometime now, it can be kind of funny, instead of as it's meant, as something insulting. Yes, please, fuck me! LOL

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Joe and I live in an apartment right smack dab in the center of Toronto. I have worked in the field of disability since graduating from university over 30 years ago. I became disabled a few years ago now and use a wheelchair when out in the world. For those interested, most of my books are available through www.diverse-city.com and if you are wishing to book a lecture or consultation you may do so by emailing daveandjoe@hotmail.com

Best Health Blog 2010

Requiem

There are those who have affected the course of my work and my career. I wish to remember them here:

Stella Young

Manuela Dalla Nora

Bob Clayton

Viktor Frankl

Robert Sovner

Marsha Forrest

Terry Haslam

John Money

Susan Tough

Sol Gordon

Winnifred Kempton

I believe that we should speak often and well of those who passed our way and whose lives gifted us. Here in this space I wish to memorialize those whose lived lives in service to those with disabilities.