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Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Pregnancy Diaries Entry 6: Laughing through Lamaze

Mason and I are five weeks into our Lamaze class. We took it through the hospital because I wanted to learn some techniques as well as hospital policies and how they deliver babies around there. It has been somewhat helpful but I don’t know if I would give it my complete recommendation. The one thing we have learned is that we cannot look into one another’s eyes deeply while Mason waves his hand to direct my breathing because we both end up laughing…hardly the point, and incredibly unrealistic as I do not think I will be laughing through the labor.There are some real characters in our class and by character I mean complete weirdoes. I swear I know normal people who have babies all the time, but they do not happen to be in this class. Therefore I feel compelled to share some stories with you.In one particular class we were practicing a breathing technique and then had to trade partners with the intention of learning how others are performing this technique to see if we liked their way better. Mason shifted to the girl sitting next to me and I got a new partner as well. I of course got the bizarre boy. I had to look straight into his eyes while he directed my breathing and honestly all I could think about was…ewww what if I was having this dude’s baby. When Mason came back to me, about three minutes later it was like he had been gone a lifetime. I wanted to say “oh thank goodness you’re back; you’ll never believe what happened while you were gone. I almost had to give birth to that creep’s baby.” At the beginning of another marvelous class Mason got chosen to wear the sympathy belly. He was instructed to wear it for twenty minutes. Ten minutes of standing, ten minutes of walking. He then passed the belly on to another guy in the class, this pattern continued through the remainder of class. The classes are two hours long and one of the husbands apparently can only make it to the last hour. I thought it was no big deal and he most likely had school or work that interfered. (Look sometimes I do give people the benefit of the doubt.) We took a break in between the two hours in which Mason decided to go to the bathroom, so when Mr. Late arrived it looked as if I had no partner. The instructor suggested the last guy who had to wear the sympathy belly pass it onto Mr. Late. Mr. Late, feeling picked on, points to me and says, “Why don’t you give it to her husband, he’s not even here yet.” To which I replied, “My husband was actually the first man to wear it, LONG before you were here.” So Mr. Late agrees to put on the belly as he is hoisting it up while of course fondling the fake breasts on the belly (Like really, How thrilling could that possibly be?) he has the nerve to say,” Does wearing this belly give me permission to sit around all day and do nothing?” No one laughed… I mean no one. Mason walked in as the entire exchange was over and it was the longest hour of my life just waiting to tell him. As soon as we walked into the parking lot I was like Mason you missed it!!! Well Mr. Late you just got yourself named Mr. Asshole in every woman’s mind and no I will no longer be giving you the benefit of the doubt.During this weeks class our instructor was wearing the most distracting pair of pants I had seen since 1992. We walked in sat down and I leaned over to Mason and said “She did not warn us that MC Hammer was going to be the guest speaker today.”Needless to say if this class did not provide us with an education it made up for it with entertainment.