Struggling with Lost Love

January 1, 2003.

Put to death, therefore, what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these, the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. (Col 3:5-8)

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Col 3:12-13)

This has been a struggle for me as of late. As most of you know, I suffered a severe blow some time ago when my girlfriend, my best friend of 8 years, whom I loved with all my heart and had intended to marry, deceived and left me within a matter of months, even weeks. The sudden abandonment broke me almost utterly, though I managed to survive through sheer numbness.

I had thought that time would begin to heal these wounds, but in the months since then, my anger and bitterness have grown, and I know in my mind that it is because I have not fully submitted to God. Easier thought than practiced: I do want in my heart to “count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus as my Lord,” (Phil 3.8) but I suppose my flesh wants to continue feeling justified in its righteous indignation.

And I miss her. Part of me still wants to love her, to hold on to that futile, feeble hope that she will come back to me in heart. Another more sensible part of me is trying to beat that hope to death. Yet another part plots senseless revenge, while yet another is tempted, sometimes quite strongly, to plunge into vain sensual indulgence.

Deep in my heart, I want none of that. I want nothing but to be free of these earthly binds and to fill this painful void in my life with Christ. Not with her, not with other relationships, not with another girl, but with Christ and Christ alone. He knows that is my weakness: the desire to find fulfillment in a romance rather than with Him. I know in my soul that I should be surrendering to Him completely, that I should forgive those who have so wronged me, that I should commit myself to seek things above; but theory and practice are two different things. Until Christ is seated once more in the throne of my heart, He will bring me to this crisis point again and again till I learn to surrender to Him completely.

So if I seem pensive when you meet me, that’s probably what’s weighing on my mind. I usually hide it well, though.

Comments

How ’bout we say you carry it well, rather than hide it well? I think Desiring God will be a good book for you now. It’s amazing, isn’t it, that He can redeem the pain by using it to draw us to Himself. May 2003 be for you a year of desiring, discovering, and delighting in God more deeply than ever before.

Pau, what you do need is to go on a mental road trip…something that will awaken your senses again to the beauty that God – and Life – has to offer. not just fleeting glimpses, mind you, but a true awakening.

Wow! That brought back alot of memories for me. I remember the feeling of being utterly and hopelessly in love with someone who’d asked me to marry him. Then he lets me go one day, out of the blue. No precurser, no fighting, nothing. There was no reason to my understanding. It took a while to get over. I, too, did not rely on God. It was like God took me in a big room and allowed me to beat on Him until I was too tired to fight what he wanted and I was able to listen. I was soundly angry at God and not this guy. I didn’t think i could get over him with just god. But God showed me I could. I will pray for you, but it will take time and the time and memories may hurt more than you want or expect, but the lessons about yourself and God will be why it was worthwile. Believe me, even if you don’t now.

i was utterly shocked when i heard about u and tiff only a month ago. i just stood there with my mouth wide open and for a minute or two i simply could not wrap my head around the idea — much less the reality — that u guys were no longer a couple. all i can say now is that i hope you find peace in the Lord soon. :)