Just when you were telling all your friends that the Dispatch is "always late" we decided to bring you this issue two days early! Showed you, didn't we? The explanation is that I'm off for a week and I wanted to get this out before I left. A big thank you to all our staff for working to my accelerated deadline!

Seven writers took their shot at explaining why the hippo left, and I assembled a panel of eight illustrious judges to look at their work. Our first place winner stood head-and-shoulders above all others. Scoring 44 out of a possible 56 points, Keefie takes first place.

Amazing news emerging from Bangkok today where Doctors have announced that a young Hippo from New Zealand has undergone ground breaking Trans-Species surgery.

Dr Chanuwat Cuttdickoffalot and his team from the world famous Bangkok Private Clinic, the worlds leading trans-gender surgery hospital, held a press conference at 11am this morning where they gave the following statement:

"During the last 10 years the Bangkok Private Clinic has performed thousands of successful gender re-assignment surgeries and are proudly able to claim that we are the number one clinic in the world. We are always searching for new and improved treatments and it was during our research that we discovered a new technique that would allow us to not only change the sex of a person/animal but actually change their species. After announcing that clinical trials would start this year we were inundated with pleas for help. Out of the thousands of applications, one stood out from the crowd.

We received a letter from a young Hippo from New Zealand whose story tugged at the heart strings of everyone who read it. He explained that as a young Hippo he felt very confused and always felt that something wasn't quite right. At a very early age he would bury bones in his parents garden, he would chase the neighbours cat and he bit the postman on may occasions. He always had a wet runny nose and was forever getting in trouble spraying his urine all over the house and garden. Things got worse as a teenager when he got into trouble with the police for hanging around the local kennels with a small bag of doggie treats and chasing the local sheep. Although we're not sure if that symptom was down to his species problem or the fact that he's from New Zealand.

Finally he decided to do something about it, although at this stage he still wasn't sure what the problem was. He tried cross-dressing see (fig.1)and hanging about with other animals (fig.2) and it was during this stage that he finally realised what he should be, the relief was immense.

Fig.1

Fig.2

The process we have developed here involves the patient taking a long course of gene therapy which works by altering the subjects DNA. Once the patient becomes the new species on the inside we go ahead with the skin transplant.

In the case of the Hippo, you can clearly see from (Fig.3) that this process has been a remarkable success. Nearly all prominent Hippo features have been transformed into those of a Canine. Ahem, well nearly all.

During the months ahead our patient will continue to take his gene therapy until all traces of Hippo are removed.

Finally our patient would like it to be known that from now on his name is - Brian.

Thank you Ladies & Gentlemen."

Fig.3

Keefie wins a GA medal and a Conquer Cup entry!

In second place, we have an entry by Roussallier, entitled "Of Hippos and Men."

Hippo was the youngest calf of three in his family. Tragically, when he was very young his mother ate a poisonous mushroom and died - leaving it to her friends to take care of Hippo and his two brothers.

Their wading pool was close to a pride of lions, and when he saw the king's daughter Hippo would always break out in pink sweat. She would sing when she came to drink from the pond. Hippo would hide under the water's surface and listen whenever he could.

When he was seven, his father was dying. Dad called his three sons to him and declared: "I am leaving my pond to my oldest sons. You, Hippo, will have to find your own.

The next day Dad died, and his brothers made it clear that he didn't belong anymore. So Hippo wandered off wherever his eyes would lead him. Eventually he came to a bar owned by an alligator. Hippo was getting wasted a performer in a mask was singing to the patrons. Hippo broke out in pink sweat again.

Inner Voice: "HA! You like her! What about the lioness?"Hippo: "She sounds just like her."Inner Voice: "Sing with her, you can do it!"Hippo: "No"Inner Voice: "Trust me"Hippo: "Okay... WAAAAAAAGARBL!"

After their song the masked creature came up to him.

Mask: "You have a cute voice."Hippo: "Have you ever performed for the king?"Mask: "Sometimes, but I don't like it. They make me... Um... Uh... I mean they make the princess court the commanders of the royal army. They make me... I mean HER sick! They make the princess sick and TIRED!Hippo: "That's it - I'll fight against the other commanders, rise through the ranks, and the king will let me date his daughter!"Mask: "PFFFFT!"

Hippo became a warrior. The adventure took him from the frozen wastelands of Antarctica, to the New World, and through his African homeland. He made friends and enemies of those he met on the battlefield. This experience changed Hippo, and he realized that the essence of life wasn't in victory - but it was in the struggle. Even if a dream is broken through circumstance, it still brings us closer to the source of dreams itself.

Hippo went beyond just playing, he volunteered his time to make the kingdom better, cleaner, and more fun for all of its citizens. One night he was unwinding at Alligator's bar, having a good time with his comrades. When he was hammered enough he sang:

"WAAAAAAAAGARBL WAAAAAAAAAGARBL"

His friends wondered: "How are you so confident, decisive, and controlled? Why don't you get butthurt if someone's e-peen is bigger?"

Hippo answered: "When I turn off my computer, no matter what dice I rolled, no matter what rank I am, I am Hippo. After all is said and done on the battlefield, I am Hippo.

Hippo's friends couldn't understand: "NO WAY! If someone attacks you it's impossible NOT to explain why his move was completely wrong! If we get bad dice we HAVE to nerdrage!

Hippo calmly replied: "I could leave everything I've accomplished right now and have no regrets."

Friends: "Wut?"

Hippo: "Watch me."

And he left

And for many nights afterwards if you listen very closely, you could have heard a lioness singing a duet alone by a wading pool.

In third place, DoomYoshi's effort, which links the hippo's disappearance to current events:

Thehippo8 is not a real hippo. Nor is he a real person. He is a CIA team sent here to drive natty_dread mad. When they first arrived, they started filling in subliminal messages into the Cartography section saying "natty should leave, natty should be banned". Eventually, those messages were read by the Admins, the C+A team and most importantly: natty_dread himself.

Then it happened. In what seemed to the majority of the CC world as 2 harmless speeders, the CIA found a patsy - Gillipig. Using a top-secret code still unsolved by ciphers to this day, in Game 10637790 and Game 10637848, the CIA contractually hired Gillipig to carry out the deed. A Wikileaks report tells me that "gl" (part of the secret code) actually means: antagonize him until he ragequits and we will pay you.

After the mission was accomplished, thehippo8 stayed around for a bit longer to tie up some loose ends - all in the interest of US National Security, of course. pimpdave was grilled for hours until he finally revealed the Tea Party Death Squad's HQ. Viceroy was paid handsomely to continue the creationist debates so that the American people wouldn't notice the wool being pulled over their eyes. Yes, even poor Ballslap was slapped in the balls so that the Hasbro-Zionist-Big Oil lobby could stop the much awaited iPhone App.

Yes, we've all been had. The CIA even infiltrated the Mafia forum in the vain hopes that the big 5 families would reveal themselves. It is safe to say that we are all better off now that Project Hippo - Unit 8 has been swept under the rug shut down.

Both Roussallier and DoomYoshi win Conquer Cup entries!

I just have to mention the 4th place entry, by DaveH. It didn't win any prizes, but it's very cute, and fits in perfectly with some of our other content (hint: read this issue's Join This Or Not):

Want to get into the Mafia scene, but don't know how to play or even what it is? Consult these threads: Mafia Information, Mafia and You, and Rules and Terms of Mafia.Too much work? Too lazy to read through everything? No worries, you can always jump right into a game and ask for other players or the game runner to help guide you.

What is "Mafia"?Mafia, for those of you that don't know, is a game that generally takes place in a town, where the townspeople have to determine who the mafia (or "scum") is and lynch them via a majority vote during the day and the mafia try to kill everyone at night and bluff their way out of getting killed by the town.

Mafia NewsEnding Island Mafia has resulted in a town win. Some feedback from the game centered on how difficult it was for the SKer to even try to win and that the scenes were a bit too detailed. A competitive game that came down to a 3 person LYLO.

Mafia CalloutsCalling all players interested! Some mafia games need some filling:

Advanced Roles and Strategy by safariguy5The idea of role groupings is the topic this issue.

Subgroups

What is It?A subgroup refers to a group of roles that share a specific characteristic. This group of roles crosses alignments, and is usually related to flavor more than actual utility

ExampleThe vigilante, mafia goon, and paranoid gun owner all can have guns. This makes them part of a gun subgroup.

How to Use this StrategySubgroups are mostly useful for investigative roles that reveal flavor. In terms of actual game mechanics, it is only useful if a mafia player fakeclaims a role that is not part of the subgroup. The investigative role can then call the mafia player out on the lie and then initiate Lynch All Liars.

Q. When are you fixing our penguin? The penguin has already been fixed .

Q. Are you planning to break the Forums (again) anytime soon in the future?Probably, as necessary. You'll be notified before the forums go down though.

Q. Are you going to ban me (trinicardinal) for asking these questions?Maybe. Though I'd have to add a guideline for that.

Q. Have you ever bowled against TFO?No, though he'd probably win.

Q. Do you play golf?How old do you think I am?

Q. What about tennis?Occasionally.

Q. What's your favourite fruit?Bananas.

Q. On a scale of 1-10 how much more fun is it being an admin?9001

Q. I'm a Developer for CC, more specifically, I'm the developer that handles community related updates. I handle most things that come from suggestions, as well as improvements that will help the community. I also head up the Tech Team, and naturally the Bug Reports forum. Last but not least, I answer your questions in the forums .

Q. Now that a few people have asked you questions, do you feel better about the world?I'm not sure yet.

Q. When is the TO PM gonna be updated?We're just waiting for it to be uploaded (actually, it may be uploaded by the time you read this).

Q. What did you do before you were a mod?I played games . Somehow I've always found other ways to use up my time since I became a mod.

Q. Where does your username originate from?My nickname in college was blake, and I used to be really good at bowling. (Don't ask me why my nickname was blake).

Q. What is your favourite alcoholic drink? Do you have a good story you can share in relation to this?Captain Morgan Rum. I don't think sharing a story would be Responsible.

Q. Who's more attractive in the films; Arwen or Eowyn?Arwen, hands down.

Q. Why do women shave their armpits and men don’t? Because women are more proper than you are.

Q. If you could marry a cartoon character who would it be? Why?Fiona (Obscure Adventure Time Reference for rds)

Q. Who was your first prom date?King_Herpes, and believe me, I had it my way.

Q. Do you bowl? What's your avg score?Not much recently, but I used to pull around a 200.

Q. Are you a geek or a nerd?Nerd.

Q. When are we getting this please?

Click image to enlarge.

It will be here soon enough.

Q. How long have you been a CC member?Since January of 2008, you do the math.

Q. How long after you became a member did you begin to volunteer?I didn't start volunteering for almost 3 years after I joined (October 2010).

Q. What was your first volunteer post and how long did it last?Suggestions Moderator, and I'm still an active part of suggestions today.

Q. How did you proceed from there to where you are now?Patience and Persistence definitely helped. Realizing that you're making a difference definitely makes the ride more enjoyable.

Q. Do the medals really stop at 30 because that's as high as the admin team can count?king achilles, rds, and I came up with this brand new strategy to count higher. I don't want to spoil it, but we're going to start using our toes. Sorry in advance for the smelly medals.

Q. What is the hardest part about being an admin?The separation from being a regular user. Essentially, everything you do reflects back on CC as a whole, so you have to be more careful to paint a pretty picture.

Q. Why haven't you given me (BGtheBrain) the title of "Official Pooper Scooper" yet?The TeamCC litterbox still smells .

Q. What's your favorite map?Age of Realms 3

Q. What is the #1 thing you'd like to have done to the site (if you could do anything instantaneously)?Oh, the list of options goes on and on. I suppose if I had to choose just one thing, I'd choose the account sitter feature. It's a no-brainer and I hope we get a chance to work on it soon.

Q. Could I (TheForgivenOne) beat you in a game of bowling?Probably, it's been a few years since I bowled regularly.

Q. If I (TheForgivenOne) do, will you let me in on all the secrets of CC? (Like how much money is spent on gourmet peanut butter?)According to the Swedish Chef, we spent one million dollars on gourmet peanut butter last week. But I don't typically trust the guy who talks like a drunk .

Q. How many boards could the Mongols horde if the Mongol's hordes got bored?

Q. What do you do for fun besides CC?Video Games, Board Games, and just having a good time with friends.

Q. Why isn't Swifte banned yet?I'm not sure, I'll have to get back to you on this one.

Q. Who did you vote for in the last election and why?I always write in for Danny Devito.

Q. Spiderman or Batman?Piderman

Q. Soft porn or hard porn?Is that even a question? both

Q. Chewbacca or Chuck Norris?Norris

Q. What's your favourite natural landmark on earth?Niagara Falls

Q. What's your favourite artificial landmark on earth?Stonehenge

Q. 91% of turns taken? Seriously? SERIOUSLY???Yep. Things always pop up, that's why I don't play as many games anymore.

Q. When you hit a squirrel on the road, how bad does it make you feel and for how long?I'm not too concerned about it. Natural Selection at work.

Q. Is this interrogation long enough or should we keep going?NOT LONG ENOUGH!

Q. Do you think we actually care about your answer to the preceding question?Probably not.

Q. Does Metsfanmax often feel the need to correct you on the finer points of Kepler's Laws?Potentially.

Q. If you were condemned to die, what would your final request be?Immortality.

Q. What is a more thankless job: Admin or moderator?This really depends on the situation. If you're a moderator of suggestions, like I was, you don't really get a lot of praise for doing things right, but you also don't get as much hate when things go wrong. Some other areas of the site are exposed to much more negativity. As for admins, when something big goes right, we usually end up with the credit. When something big goes wrong, we always end up with the blame.

Q. What's your high score on Wii bowling?I don't have a Wii.

Q. Which do you prefer:Star Trek - Original or Star Trek - The Next Generation?Neither

Q. Do you agree with the new Star Trek timeline created by JJ Abrams? Explain.I don't watch Star Trek

Q. What can you tell us about the change in Admin Policy to allow members of the site to be involved in Development. Do you think that has caused significant resentment in those who may have been sidelined by this new policy?This wasn't exactly an admin policy, this was more of a lack policy. Basically, he was reluctant to use members of CC as developers as their CC experience may affect their development. With El_Jefe, we've mixed in a few outside developers with myself to help spread the load between things the community wants, and other things that need to be done. I don't believe anyone is resentful about this. I believe that everyone involved in the tech department (past or present) have only been interested in what's best for CC.

Q. Why is the Tech team missing so many of those that represented it's hey-day of authors numerous scripts & enhancements a la chipv, sherkaner, yeti_c, dako etc.?Some of them have left for real life commitments, others have gotten bored. If you're interested in a more detailed story, feel free to contact them.

Q. What is your role precisely in Administration, is it just limited to Tech related endeavours, or do you provide a more encompassing role with hands in numerous pie's like Forum enforcement, Community relations etc.?[/quote]Not necessarily limited to tech endeavours, but I'm primarily focused on them. Sometimes I do rule enforcements, but I tend to leave those up to RDS or King Achilles. I do a bit of community relations, mostly when it concerns updates, suggestions, bugs (i.e. technical things), most of the community relations is left up to our Community Manager, rdsrds2120.

Once again, qwert and IcePack are going to make you life a little easier, each with their own quick look at the biggest events in the clan world! For this edition, qwert talked to mcshanester about the Premier League, and gives an update on the scores from the first two rounds of Conquer Cup 5. Meanwhile, IcePack reports in on the latest in all 16 ongoing wars in Conquer Cup 4, including many that now have winners.

Much more to come next edition, so enjoy and stay tuned to the Platoon Report!

mcshanester21 on Premier league wrote:We were off to a bit of a rocky start...but seems that is the way it is for the first exchange of games

What is interesting is the opinion poll....there really is no one that has a huge advantage in the polls like we saw with the Qualification Round although WAR does seem to be the underdog. If I had to pick who will win the Premier League, you would probably have better odds of getting it right by picking the name out of a hat . My pick is going to be AFOS...they just seem to be on fire right now and hard to stop. As for a clan that could make the surprise jump and take the win....I am going to either FALL or TNC. Both have been playing at top notch. My surprise prediction...KORT won't place higher than 3rd ....but who knows. lol

But with a fine group including IA, PIG, MYTH, FOED, OTP and LOW to round out the Division, Any of these could take the top prize...The Premier League aptly lives up to its name...its going to be a showdown.

Unfortunately we didn't get interviews from Gilligan and Darin44, our other Division Directors, but maybe we can arrange those for next issue.

Here's a look at the updated scores of Round 1 and 2 for each league. Rounds 3 and 4 are also underway, with Rounds 5 and 6 due out on June 30th.

Hello my friends, and welcome to your favourite part of the Newsletter, "War Games", where you can find information about CC Tournaments, and other stuff in the Tournament scene!

It is my honour and privilege to be taking over Dukasaur's recently vacated office as Tournament Executive for the CC Dispatch, and I am flattered that he has entrusted me with this role despite my short duration of service with the Tournament Team. He has certainly left very large shoes to fill with all that he has done for the Tournament Team, and so I can only hope that my feet will somehow start to grow bigger!

In this issue, DaveH once again shares his Excel-lent tips to aid the everyday Tournament Organiser with those daunting spreadsheets, and we continue to deliver our usual updates with DaveH's TPA Wrap and my Join This? Or Not! section. Enjoy!

At the time of writing this, Greenoaks is recruiting for his "The Amazing Race 2013 [TPA3]" which follows the interesting format of the tournament he rescued a couple of years ago from CDL. In these there is a 15 minute penalty for every round taken to complete a game, with the winner deducting an hour and the loser adding an hour to their total times. The overall winner is therefore the player who takes the lowest amount of time to complete all games.

To automate the scoring for this, the "Tour Stats" facility comes into its own. The "Results" tab gives the Round information as well as the winner and loser:

Click image to enlarge.

Note that some of the player's names have suffixes which are their team number so that, in a multi-team game, you can see which team was eliminated first (thanks to sempaispellcheck for explaining this to me!). More of this later.

This information can be copied to a spreadsheet:

Click image to enlarge.

It is then straight forward to add columns of the times taken, according to the formulae; Winning player's time = Round Number * 0.25 - 1 hours and Losing player's time = Round Number * 0.25 + 1 hours. These formulae can be written into the next columns next to the team name:

Click image to enlarge.

In this the column "G" has the formula Round Number * 0.25 (i.e. G3=D3*0.25). Column H has the winners names; column I has Column G - 1; column J has the losers names and column K has Column G+1.

At the end of a full round you will then have two sets of columns that can be copied into a single column and sorted to get similar names next to each other. However, as you can see from the way CC specifies the suffixes, the names of the team members are not consistent and some names have "undefined" appended to them where an unknown character was used. Firstly let us simplify the team names by extracting the first player's name. The formula is to find the comma and use that as a marker for the end of the first player's name. The code for this is:

However this will create an error when you only have one name in the column. To get around this the ISERROR function can be used. This is TRUE if there is an error and FALSE otherwise. Therefore we can test for an error first; if so take the single name; otherwise do the Left/Find function. This code is then:

This will then deliver a set of single names associated with the winners and the losers in columns L and M respectively:

Click image to enlarge.

There are still some differences in the names though but you can get around this though by creating a lookup table of the team members next to their team name. Sort them by player name and use a Vlookup function without the "false" definition which makes it find the name that is closest and not an exact match. The two columns of team names for winners and losers with their scores can be sorted into order to simplify the final additions required (which can always be done using a macro!).

(These "tips" started off as ones that I used to make it a bit easier in managing my own tournaments. Now, I am looking at other types of tournaments and scoring systems by all you innovative TO's out there. So, if you have a unique scoring system that you would like me to have a go at automating, please let me know and I'll be pleased to try and assist. Any queries on the above I'll be glad to respond to of course. Please note that I use Excel 2003, so there may be variation in the menu instructions if you have other versions of Excel)

TPA Season 2: State of PlayThere are no newly completed tournaments. Benga's Major Escalating Fog: Killer is still awaiting completion of one game before we know the final placements.

TPA 2 Standings

TPA Season 3There are no newly completed tournaments since the last edition. We near the end of this year's TPA3 series of tournaments so it is getting near to your last opportunity to participate! In signup are three tournaments; Know your Settings in North America by therealdeal_37 which is a triples knockout (best of 5); Serbia's NFL Triples following the NFL season and Dukasaur's Treasures of the Galapagos. This has been designed with feedback from all of us, so why not join in and see the results of our labours!

And now for our regular look at a selection of the tournaments in sign-ups! A nice batch of new tournaments have recently entered the mix in the Create/Join a Tournament forum, so you should definitely hop on over and take a look at the many more not listed here!

There's no denying that this tournament is an ingenious way for the TO to accumulate unique defeats on the game settings he has chosen. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the tournament format is quite an interesting one. All you need to do to advance in the tournament is to keep defeating the TO himself. As such, you could say that the tournament is almost completely fair, since every competitor is playing against the same opponent, and there's no such thing as getting an 'easy route' to the finals through easy opponents. Simple, yet different - definitely one to check out!

If you think winning a 16-player bracket tournament is easy, then you will definitely be up for alaskanassassin's Moose Challenge. This tournament features not one, but a whopping thirty-two 16-player brackets in total, to be played across 32 different maps across the course of the whole tournament. Players score points for how far along they get in each competition bracket, and the eventual winner is decided according to the points scored. You had better be prepared for a long series of games if you sign up for this one! But it definitely sounds like an exciting challenge for those who are game for it.

With USA's Independence Day just around the corner, what better way to get into the celebrations than with an aptly-themed tournament right here on CC? That's right, this tournament by new TO SoundStatic takes players all around USA on WidowMakers' popular USA Map Pack, playing games in a Terminator format where points are awarded per kill, and for winning the game.

Of course, this doesn't mean anyone is suggesting that you should go around to the four corners of USA killing people on 4th July... I'd strongly advise against it, in fact. So keep your killing instincts to CC, and enjoy your 4th of July celebrations!

The TPA3 season is drawing to a close, and the last tournament of the season is now taking sign-ups. Hot on the heels of the passing of Lonesome George, the Pinta Island tortoise who was widely regarded as (more than) a symbol of the Galapagos Islands, this tournament is perhaps CC's way of honouring the passing of such an iconic creature of the biological world.

The tournament takes place on the map, Treasures of Galapagos (for very obvious reasons), and features a round with a Special Achievement objective - recreating the path of migration of the Pinta Island tortoise. For all you nature lovers, or for those who enjoy tournaments with a game objective separate from the gameplay type, this is one to check out!

The foundry is all abuzz with excitement for a number of reasons, but mainly for the new Great Conquer Community Map, which has been declared to be ManBungalow's currently unnamed beauty. Congratulations to him, and a job well done for all of his hard work. A special thanks to Koontz1973 for all of his time, energy, and hard work putting this great contest together, and to everyone involved. Check out the results in his recap below.

There are some new maps in development, and better yet, new map makers entering the Drafting Room, and after 5 years lanyards is back with an amazing out-of-nowhere update to his Bering Strait map, which Koonts1973 highlights below. Since our last Issue I hope you've played dana1971's 4 Star Meats, if so, be sure to stop by the thread and leave your thoughts. Feedback is the only way mapmakers know what they are doing is right, or wrong.

Remember, this is not the end of the competition, but only the end of the beginning. Manbungalow will be given a clear shot in the foundry, as per foundry guidelines, all advice must now be taken into account and followed unless a reasonable rebuttal by the map maker of a cartographer can be given.

Good luck in the foundry ManB. Best of luck and congrats to you.

Now comes the time for you all to take over and help ManB to make his good map great. Click on the button to help him out.

lanyards started this map all the way back in 2008. That is a remarkable 5 years ago. So this could well be in the running for the longest time a map needs to be made. Well, after some time in the bin, he has recently brought it back to life.

Map Image:

Click image to enlarge.

Click on the help button to show your support and to help lanyards make this map a reality.

And as Alex Berger said, "Maps are the foundation on which adventure is built." Enjoy.

If you have a story you think the ConquerClub Community would find interesting, you can submit your articles to Dukasaur and you may just see your article published in the Newsletter!

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OutSider wrote:Hello fellow C.C.ers... FOED has unlocked the doors and is letting in a few new VIP members. We are looking for drinkers and non-drinkers alike. Looking to become part of the trendiest clan around? Join the team at FOED! Contact head of security OutSider to get more info on this special opportunity!

That is our second Classified Ad ever. Starting with Issue 99 we will have a separate section for them.

We always need more help. Please consider volunteering with the Dispatch. Contact any of the Executives listed below to offer your services!

Frox333 wrote:btw dukasaur, you say comrades too? hmmmmm, maybe you are me except through a worm hole...cauz that's how I greet every1...

Actually, the "Greetings, comrades" has been part of Dispatch tradition since Issue 24. Samuelc812 started that. The Dispatch got a facelift in Issue 23 with a new military theme and new graphics, and the comrades in arms was seen as a way to reinforce it. Every CC publisher has used it since.