Real advice from real people

“My BF might be abusive”

About three months ago, a guy from school/work asked me out to dinner as a date, presumably. I gladly accepted, as this was a man I was growing fond of. It all started out wonderfully, mindless chatter, stories from work, and at once, I noticed a very protective aura coming from him. Even as we walked out, he was latched to me in an endearing way.

Things changed quickly. Right off the bat, he made it 100% clear he was a sexual person. Every time I wanted to come over just to CASUALLY hang out, he would grab me as I approached, kiss me, and begin to feel me up/grope in his driveway. Any location of the body, you name it. Nothing affectionate, nothing tender, and often times, bruises were left on my chest from his grip and painful bite marks on my shoulders that stung a day later. I brushed it off, figuring that was natural in the moment.

One of the first questions he asked me when I visited was ‘Can you clean and cook?’ When I shrugged it off, he said ‘You better’. Later that night, he attempted to initiate sex, and I said no. Reason being, physically, the act is difficult for me for the time being. He was visibly disappointed but walked away anyways. When I tried to give a kiss to make him feel better, it was right back to the rough groping.

His behavior outside of his house changed as well. He took a jacket of mine that he ‘disapproved of’, that he still has. He makes cruel comments at women who dress skimpy, and when I mentioned a single male friend of mine, he demanded to know more, saying a ‘girl can’t have male friends without them thinking she wants them.’ When a casual classmate texted me one day, he found out his number and texted him, telling him to leave me alone. He states openly to me that he believes all Africans should be hanged/executed, all gays should not exist, and that Trump should be president. I know. I know.

Our first real sexual encounter was vastly uncomfortable. He knew I was hesitant and uncomfortable, yet did so anyways, despite the difficulty of it. Afterwards, he told me it wouldn’t happen again, because he knew I was not okay with it. A night after, he stole my car keys and tried to make me give him a BJ to give them back. When I refused, he pressed his hand against my neck, out of concern for his parents hearing me speak, proceeding to say ‘I don’t like it when you say no to me.’ I broke down and told him his promise to me, to which he changed face, saying ‘I said ‘I don’t like it when you don’t say no to me’.’

He demanded my phone password and locked my phone out when I refused, even though he wouldn’t give his in return. Which I think isn’t fair. The same day, I was talking with a male coworker in a casual fashion, and he must have seen, because he ignored my existence for the next two days. When I asked about it, he said he ‘needs a little space right now’ and that he’ll let me know when he’s ready to talk.

I just don’t care, is my thing. I know he seems awful beyond repair, but I just don’t care about relationships enough to pay it too much heed. Still, would be nice if he shaped up. Today, I sent him an ultimatum. I told him how I felt, how he treated me, how I didn’t get the love I gave, and that he could either show he still cared, or tell me he didn’t. He hasn’t responded.

Please do not stay with this guy, you will end up being miserable. He is abusive and it will only get worse. He doesn’t respect you at all or your boundaries, He will push it farther and farther till you break. I am sure that you feel violated by what he is doing to you. You should be able to trust your partner and have mutual respect. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years, he was a bitter man who had no respect for anyone. It was a waste of my time and I was so miserable but for some reason I kept telling myself that “this is as good as it gets and life doesn’t get any better”…..despite this I was tired of feeling drained and violated. He had sexually assaulted me a few days after I gave my virginity to him. I didn’t know he wanted to have sex and got angry that I was about to make dinner instead. He didn’t communicate to me that he wanted anything as all. He just started screaming at me out of the blue and rushed at me….then all the terrible shit happened. I felt so violated and hurt that someone i loved so deeply would hurt me in such an intimate way. He was already verbally and mentally abusive. He was starting to become physically abusive at the time. He started pinching me, pulling my hair and yanking on my ear when he was angry. Sometimes he wasn’t even angry at me, it was when he was having a bad day. I am sure that if I had stayed with him that he would of started beating me. It was painful and crushing to break up with him. He was actually shocked and didn’t think I was ever going to leave him, cause of all that i put up with. In the end however I felt relief that it was finally over with. I decided I rather be alone than to feel that way again with someone. And you know, the loneliness hurts, I want to share my life with someone, I want to care for someone and i want to come home every day to someone I love and respect. I don’t know when it will happen. I would rather feel this sort of pain rather than have someone inflict pain upon me. Life has gotten better. I have been able to deal with my own individual problems instead of worrying about someone else’s. Please do not stay with this man. Don’t waste time with him, it is early in this relationship so you have not invested that much time into him. The more time you invest that harder it will be to break away. He might ever beg you to come back, my ex even had his family begging me. He may just drop you like you didn’t mean anything to him. It will hurt but the pain of being alone is better than this pain. It will drain you. Please, respect yourself. ❤

Your ultimatum is a waste of time. Because even if he agrees, it is not genuine. It will be a manipulation. You need to run, not walk, but run, from this man.

I spent 5 years with an abusive man, and it ruined my life. I am just now beginning to build my life back together. I had to move to an entirely new city. I can’t post any pictures of my new relationship on any social media out of fear of what he will do when he finds out I have finally moved on. I can’t even have my name next to the buzzers in my apartment building. I am three hours away from him, but when I see the same vehicle he drives, I still feel fear. I have PTSD from the years spent with him. I am not able to get fully naked in front of my new partner because I am not comfortable in on my own skin anymore (I am working on this). I was called a fat c*nt every time we fought, which was often. That is my life without him.

We fought because I did not trust him, because he cheated on me constantly. He told me to my face “I could cheat on you and you would never find out.” However, he would also take me to the woods, and show me where he would hide my body if he ever found out I cheated on him. He smashed my guitar that was handed down through my family. He threw my car keys into the woods to stop me from leaving him. He pulled my hair and pulled me to the ground. He kicked me out of the car in the middle of nowhere. He destroyed my friendships. That was my life WITH him. That will be your life, just different scenarios.

You do care. If you didn’t care, you would not be seeking out advice from strangers. Caring is natural. But you need to clearly understand your self worth, and realize that when you value yourself, you will accept nothing but what makes your heart happy.