Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones
instead, they have 206 of them.
“Mother I really don’t like the red soup”

“Be quiet child. We
get it just once a month”
One man's trash is another man's treasure...

(Maybe this wasn’t
the ideal way of telling our daughter that she was adopted…)
“Do you have Valentines cards that say something like “You’re my only
one?”-Sure thing.-Wonderful! I’ll take 8 of those
please.Mom, I’m still having those sharp headaches!-Well why don’t
you move away from in front of the dart board then?!
A mom tells her son a joke; the son is embarrassed and says: "Mom,
please don't tell any more jokes. You really can't make them."

The mom only shrugs and says, "Well – I did make you..."
Either the woman at the back of the train has two really ugly children,
or two seriously cool Pokémons.

Doctor tells his patient, “I’m afraid you are going to die in a few
hours. What is your last wish?”-Patient replies, “I need a good
doctor.”
How to save a man from drowning? -Try removing your foot from
their head.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull?

Just the
pit bull.
"Mother, why do people die so suddenly in our family?"..."Mama?"
"Mama?""Maaaammaaaaaaa!"
What do you call people who use the temperature method of contraception?

Parents.
Why do hurricanes get such lame names, like Sandy? Name that thing
Hurricane Death Megatron 900 and I guarantee folks will be evacuating
like they need to.
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