Archive for ‘Royal Family’

The world has been rocked to its very core today, after it was revealed that toff Prince Harry is better at running than both his toff brother Prince William and his toff brother’s wife, toff Princess Kate.

Royal Commentator Arthur Theremin said today “This changes everything. Black could be white, up could be down, 2 and 2 might make 17. This is literally the most important thing happening anywhere in the world.

The New Year Honours bestowed by Her Majesty the Queen have once again bucked expectation, after it was revealed today that the vast majority had gone to residents of Trumpton, and the nearby villages of Camberwick Green and Chigley.

Despite widespread belief that the Queen would be honouring British sporting giants who had so much success in 2016, Buckingham Palace announced that “Her Majesty felt it was really a year in which the achievements of Trumptonshire pissed all over the rest of the UK.

“Whether it was Mr Craddock the Park Keeper’s ‘Clean for the Queen’ initiative or

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right

The Queen surprised both houses of Parliament today when, instead of giving a dreary speech announcing a plethora of boring administrative government acts, she spontaneously burst into song.

After arriving and meeting the assembly with all the usual pomp and ceremony, Her Majesty stood up, ripped in half the speech that David Cameron had sat up all night writing for her, and performed a 90 minute concert of songs by hit 60s TV band, the Monkees.

The Duke of Edinburgh has apologised on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen today, after footage of her making inappropriate remarks about the Chinese went public.

Elizabeth II was filmed saying to a senior police officer at a garden party “Fackin’ chinkies, always causin’ argy bargy ain’t they? Had some of them rude slitty-eyed midgets up the palace; right bunch of arse’oles they were an’ all.

Buckingham Palace has responded angrily to the release of footage of the young Princess Elizabeth giving a Nazi salute in 1933, saying that the Queen is no fascist, even if the rest of the family are.Sir Percy Spoke, Keeper of the Queen’s Loo-roll said “Her Majesty deplores Hitler, National Socialism, the Holocaust, and all of the horrors of Nazi rule. Making a silly gesture as a seven-year-old does not equate to any sort of ideological support.

“It’s not like she’s Edward VIII, Prince Philip, Prince Harry, Prin- actually hang on, can we just back up a second? You didn’t record that last bit did you? Oh shit.”

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about