Application Essay: Terrible Twilight

Miss_Legithas a legit gripe with Twilight, and she doesn't care who knows it.

Question: Identify a significant global problem, issue or event which has appeared recently in major newspapers and about which you feel strongly. Write an imaginary letter to the editor of one of these major newspapers in which you take a position on that issue or event. Be sure to consider all key perspectives on the topic and support your stand with evidence.

My Response:
Dear Editor,

Over the last few months, I have become deeply troubled by a new phenomenon. I am afraid that there is a disturbing trend emerging from the shadows and is now taking more than just the teen market by storm. I must say that I am quite fearful of the long term consequences that such a phase will have on both the younger and older generations of this country, maybe even the world. This plague upon society can only be addressed by one name: Twilight.

Do not get me wrong, even I was intrigued by the glamour of danger, romance, and sensitive men. However, that was before this series became the backbone of pop culture, seemingly overnight. Now, I realize that this series has a much higher cost than cheap thrills. Its potent allure draws in nearly every type of female, from the prepubescent to the elderly. The sensitive demeanor of Edward and the rock-hard abs of Jacob have inspired a slew of violent thoughts in these readers, causing them to scheme a variety of brutal ways to eliminate Bella, so as to have these two delicious specimens all to themselves.

Yet, the danger of such a revolution is that it is causing all women to suddenly have these ludicrously unrealistic expectations of men. Men do not sparkle. It is not natural, and the only place that a woman would likely find such a glittering male would be at a drag show. Better yet, the majority of women need to accept the fact that the only likely reason that their husband will ever glisten, will be with sweat as lugs his potbelly up from the couch and to the kitchen for a refill on Bud and chips.

This supports another unrealistic expectation that stems from Stephenie Meyer’s excuse for literature. A very small minority of men are actually as ripped as the poor lads vying for Bella’s attention. Women are now wasting away at the prime of their lives, waiting for a guy to whisk them away and inject vampire spit into their blood stream in order to love them for eternity. They figure that all Bella had to do was sit around reading romance novels, until prince charming came knocking at her bedroom window, so why bother?

For instance, I caught my neighbor, Debbie* reading Twilight one day, alone on her porch. She was once an attractive woman, but over the last two years, she has transformed into a disheveled mess. “Edward,” she sniffs, “will be the only man for me. I’ve tried dating other men, but they just do not match his level of compassion or intellect. Besides, once you give them a squeeze around the middle, it’s all over. The lack of chilled, stony abs does little to inspire me. There is no thrill to any of the men out there, so I take my comfort in the pages of Twilight. I know eventually he’ll come for me.”

Women must realize that there is no perfect man out there. Every man is riddled with imperfections, just like us. Instead, they return to their dog-eared companions to find solace in its deceptive words. What frightens me though is what these women will be like in, say, ten years from now. I fear that these unkempt, dissatisfied ladies will soon grow impatient. They will ask why their Edward has not scooped her off yet to a pretty little meadow, ten miles east of Nowhere. There will be a revolt. I fear for the male half of our species. Meyer’s enterprise has unleashed a new, unwanted revolution in women who may go to desperate measures in order to seek out their one true love.

This insurrection must be thwarted now before all of the undesirable men of the planet are massacred for not meeting the “Edward Standard.” It is up to you, dear unperfected male species, to stop this anarchy now, before it overtakes more than just the teen scene media. I have two suggestions: either track down and mercilessly burn all 100 million copies** polluting the planet, or seriously consider investing in a case of glitter from your local craft store for your own protection. The brainwashing allure of Edward our young and our old, may already be irreversible. If so, if I were an average male, I would quickly learn to adapt to these new sparkling expectations, or flee now before the Twilight Revolution comes chasing after you.

Sincerely,
The New York Times Relationship Columnist

*Name Changed
** According to Publisher’s Weekly as of March 2010

I enjoyed your essay, Miss_Legit,but my concern is as follows:

You haven't really answered the question. The admissions committee is asking you to write a serious essay about a serious problem (racism, hunger, cholera), issue (stem cell research, FCAA regulations, misogyny in the film industry), or event (Katrina, the death of Catholic parishioners in Iraq, the 2010 midterm elections). Is the Twilight series "a significant global problem, issue or event"? Nope. At best, it's a phenomenon. As soon as your reader sees that it's the topic of your essay, she'll think, "Hmmm." You could win her over with a serious analysis of, say, Twilight's right-wing politics, flirtation with pedophilia, or resonance among women from different generations. But your jokey take on the series ("I fear for the male half of our species") may make your reader think that you're not taking the prompt seriously, or have ignored it altogether.

This prompt gives you the chance to discuss about something you're passionate about. I wouldn't throw away that chance on a humorous essay about Twilight.

Sparklers, do you agree with me, or do you think this essay will be a refreshing change of pace for the application committee?