Thursday, May 02, 2013

Boy, yesterday escalated rather quickly, didn’t it? We went from talking about Jason Collins to debating the existence of God or whatever. That just goes to show that no matter what is actually written here each day, the topic will always change. I’m just surprised that no one made the claim that Jesus was a black guy or LOL a woman. In what will go down as one of the world’s greatest segues, let’s turn the topic (for likely the final time ever so savor it) to Mr. Timothy Richard Tebow!

The Tens was pink-slipped on Monday and despite Skip Bayless’s finest efforts, was pushed to the back page by all the gay news. And rightfully so since third string quarterbacks are cut all the time and no one gives a shit. Where is the justice for Richard Bartel! But this is news around here since Timmy Dick holds a special place in the gut of all of us. Since he fell through waivers unclaimed, it appears to be the end of the Tebow Era in the NFL. While we can all agree that he was an absolutely terrible professional quarterback, he still has to go down as one of the 5 or 10 best college football players of all time (arguably the best) and one of the most decorated. It sounds like Tenor is not willing to change positions as a way of holding on to the dream and I would doubt that he would be willing to go to Canada to be the backup QB for the Alouettes or to the Omaha Beef of the Arena League (LOL I actually like that name). So it is my best guess that this is the end of the line for probably the most polarizing football player to ever live.

The point of today’s post is to pick the next chapter in the life of Timothy Richard Tenor. His quarterbacking days are over, but that doesn’t mean that he has to give up the spotlight. Here are my suggestions/predictions:

Motivational Speaker – Don’t get me wrong, it would be awful to listen to this dull man speak for more than ten seconds but you know that he’s going to do this because he’s already doing this. I just wanted to bring up an ELITE opportunity in which T-Double could combine with Wheelz and attack every high school in America with their message of—I don’t know—faith, abstinence, and highway patience. Basically, I want Timmy to steal Wheelz from Iceman.

High School Football Coach – This is a guarantee to happen at some point. I’d bet that he would make for a really annoying coach that all the players hated because he couldn’t stop re-living his own playing days. And can you imagine him giving a pregame speech? Ugh, that would be awful because it would always end with “God Bless”.

Mohel – We’re already well aware of his skill and prowess at circumcision. Time to give him that scalpel full time for a never-ending stream of cocks to cut.

TV analyst/personality – He would be a terrible football analyst who would only speak in clichés. “You’ve got to play one play at a time” and “the key to football is not making mistakes” would be the only things to ever come out of his mouth. I’m sure that First Take is already hounding his agent to be a regular contributor. I know for a fact that Worst Cake has not made a play for his services. We don’t need ratings that badly.

Modern Day Jesus – He might as well just commit to the role and declare himself the son of God. Just really go for broke with it. He could start his own cult and grow a long beard. He could picket outside of military funerals with the reasonable people from the Westboro Baptist Church. I mean, if people are going to use your beliefs against you as a negative, then make those characteristics and traits even more entrenched.

Steelers Troll – It would be like how Mike Eruzione pops up every once in a while to remind America that he and his teammates ended the Cold War except that this would be more awesome. Timmy Tens could show up in Pittsburgh every year or so showing highlights of that incredible playoff game that he won single-handedly because he is better than every Steeler to ever play the game of football.

Politician – Well, he can’t ever run for President but he can probably be a senator or something. The whack jobs and God-wads will always vote for him. Everyone thinks that he’s full of shit anyway so politics wouldn’t be too big of a stretch.

Sex Symbol/Endorse Everything – Eventually, people won’t care about T-Dick anymore so he needs to make all the money that he can now off of his past. What I’m trying to say here is MOR JOCKEY COMMERCIALS PLZ!

BBQ Restaurant Owner – My personal favorite and hope for his future: Tenor’s House O’ Ribs. It really makes the most sense. He could even use the Bible/religion to sell his product…”From Adam to you”…because I think there is something about Adam giving his rib to Eve or whatever. He may have removed his lower ribs to suck his own dick like Marilyn Manson AKA Paul Pfeiffer from The Wonder Years (as some people incorrectly think). I’ll have to check into that.

Whatever he decides to do, I’m sure that it will draw the attention of the suits in Bristol as they run full segments on whether his dry rub is any good. Either way, I am already offering an olive branch to Tim. Tim, I want you to take my spot in the Napoleon/Defiance alumni game. You deserve to wear the #77. You have earned your Cat Jacks.

Tebow will be a member of The Ohio State University's Football staff. His only responsibilities will be to enamor the Mothers of top recruits and lead Bible thumping sessions for the religious players. He and Urban together again.

I agree, it would not surprise me at all if he joined Ohio State's staff in some fashion. I could see him taking a support staff position in the next year or two with the ultimate goal being that he eventually coaches the QB's. In fact, I think the likelihood of him doing this is greater now than if he had retired in 5-10 years. If he would have had a longer career, he would have gained more exposure and spent more time on his causes. He hasn't had as much time to become entrenched in his outside work, so he will likely be looking for employment if he doesn't get picked up by another team.

I still think another team that is serious about running a run heavy offense out of the shotgun will give him a look. Maybe even as a backup. Philly or the Skins? Again, I am not saying he would stick, but I would not be shocked if he got invited to camp.

I'm still holding out hope he goes on a bender after his failed NFL dream really hits home. Hookers, booze and lines of blow as far as the eye can see.

Maybe a gay workout video where he only runs in the rain is in the cards.

If I had to put money on it, I'm going with foreign mission work. He would instantly become the biggest terrorist kidnapping goal of all time. If some towelhead were able to pull it off, they could could probably get a trillion dollars from the bible belt for his safe return.

Tenor will forever be remembered for the free ribs that I did not get and for uniting most of the commenters against the Steelers (not difficult for most of us.)

Tenor as a fullback for the Pats is the scenario I think would work best, but I see downsides as well. For example, Belichick doesn't like other people getting attention over him (see: Boston Marathon victims.)