I still think I'm 14, and it's pop culture's fault

When it comes to my listening and viewing habits, it appears that I've remained approximately 14. But I'm here to tell you IT'S NOT MY FAULT. It's society.

Pete Chianca

When I was a kid I had a vision of my adulthood that is probably pretty common among children imagining their grownup selves: I’d be wearing a suit and tie and smoking a pipe while listening to classical music and watching documentaries about seals. Not necessarily in that order.

I’m guessing it goes without saying that it didn’t exactly work out that way. For one thing, my job attire is strictly business casual, and pipes are passe. As for my listening and viewing habits … Well, it appears that I’ve remained approximately 14. But I’m here to tell you IT’S NOT MY FAULT. It’s society.

Hear me out: Just look at the following undisputed facts and tell me that there was any chance my tastes would have matured in a normal, tie-wearing/pipe-smoking/seal-documentary-watching kind of way.

1) “Weird Al” is more popular than ever. Yes, the same “Weird Al” whose breakout album “In 3-D” I bought with my own money at the Carmel, N.Y., “Book & Record” store in 1984, when I was 15. But not just him: Tom Petty (debut album: 1976) has the No. 1 album this week, and Bruce Springsteen (debut album: 1973) remains one of the top-grossing live acts in the world (along with Billy Joel and -- ack! -- the Stones). How can we miss these people if they won’t go away?

Not that I want them to -- call it shameless nostalgia or just the fact that certain artists are talented and savvy enough to adapt to the changing times (or a combination of both), but I like that the guys who provided the soundtrack to my youth are still cranking out music that I can blast out the open windows of my sensible family hatchback. Just like I did when I was 16, although back then it was my parents’ sensible family hatchback.

2) All the movies have superheroes in them. For those of us who grew up reading comic books -- the height of my participation in the hobby was from 1979-1983 or thereabouts -- all we ever wanted was to see them come to life in a way that was different from the 1977 “Spider-Man” TV series that starred Friedrich from “The Sound of Music.” (In other words, one that wasn’t sucky.) It took 30 years, but here we are. So what are we supposed to do, sit home watching “Cosmos”?

I know I’m not the only middle-aged grownup dragging my kids to the latest “Iron Man,” “Captain America” or “Avengers” movie, as opposed to the other way around. And the studios know it too -- it’s how they manage to pull in a billion dollars at a pop. (That said, “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” was still pretty sucky. Let’s get Tobey Maguire back, true believers!)

3) All the movies are based on other, older movies. It’s not just the superheroes -- it’s also the robots and monsters and gorillas, hence “Robocop,” “Godzilla” and “Planet of the Apes.” Plus the post-apocalyptic survivors (“Mad Max: Fury Road”), the intergalactic travelers (“Star Trek: Into Darkness”) and the tow-headed orphans (“Annie” -- no subtitle but I would suggest “Sandy’s Revenge”). And, soon, even the wacky castaways will get rebooted (“Gilligan’s Island”). Basically, if it was floating around in my head between the ages of 5 and 17, it’s out there again somewhere, just waiting to pounce.

I’ll admit I find this trend less appealing than the superhero one; even though it caters to the portion of my brain that’s still sitting on my parents’ couch eating Quisp, it seems to be crowding out other, perhaps more original ideas. I think to show our dissatisfaction, we should only go see movies like Richard Linklater’s emotional real-time family drama, “Boyhood.” Or, we can be first in line when they reboot Ghostbusters with all women. I AM SO THERE FOR THAT.

4) Vinyl records are the only type of physical media whose sales are increasing. It’s probably just the desperate last gasp of a populace trying to hold on to something, anything, before all art is created in binary code and broadcast wirelessly to a mass audience via tiny invisible particles, like Mike Teevee in Willy Wonka. (Er, the 1971 version.) But whatever -- the fact is, it’s much cooler to buy music in the format that was popular when I was 10 then it is to buy CDs, which as far as I can tell are being used primarily as coasters and DIY room decorations.

Incidentally, the best-selling vinyl album since they started officially tracking them via Soundscan in 1991 came out this year -- Jack White’s “Lazaretto.” And I bought it, because side A plays from the inside out, and there’s a hologram on it. I’m sort of like a bird who gets fascinated by shiny objects.

Granted, I also enjoy newer musical artists (like, ones who released their first album in the ‘90s instead of the ‘70s), and will occasionally get to a movie that’s not based on something that previously existed, or at least watch one on Netflix. But in the meantime, is it so horrible to balance the very real pressures of adulthood with something that reminds us of our distant, less complicated past?

So if you need me, I’ll be the guy in the last row of “Guardians of the Galaxy,” pretending his popcorn is Quisp.