UnNews:"Lost" producers announce new exit strategy

PASADENA, CA -- Executive producer of the hit ABC series Lost Carlton Cuse recently announced a new plan to deal with the show, which has in recent months become what some critics call a "quagmire."

"Mistakes have been made," Cuse said. "Ana-Lucia was a terribly annoying character. The end of season 2 made no sense. This season, Kate and Sawyer are being held in a zoo of some sort and apparently there are two islands now. It is a difficult situation. And the responsibility rests on me."

The speech was delivered in the midst of a three-month stretch which has seen no progress made in the situation.

"We need to find an end point," Cuse continued in a somber tone. "America needs to be assured that we know what we are doing. The goal has always been to have a beginning, middle, and end. But we can't just end now. That would result in this show being a failure, and a failure is unacceptable."

Cuse then announced his controversial plan.

"That is why I am announcing the creation of twenty new characters. These characters will tie up loose ends, answer questions, and clarify meanings," Cuse said.

"Some may wonder how these characters will succeed where previous efforts have failed. Well, here are the differences. The Others, who weren't really the Others but turned out to be from another section of the plane (except for the people from that group who were indeed Others) tended to annoy and bring a negative dynamic to the cast. New characters, such as the planned attractive female twins trapped in the jungle, should entertain as well as bring answers with their psychic powers. The giant four-toed foot will be explained by a Paul Bunyan-esque character. In short, this significant commitment should bring enough force to wipe through issues like the black smoky thing, DHARMA, and the numbers."

Cuse added that the plan will commence in approximately twenty days. The characters will be deployed at strategic points in the season and may even pour over into the next season, which will be an "all-out, non-stop assault" of sorts.

The plan has already seen vocal criticism.

In a response to Cuse's speech, a skeptical ABC representative showed concern that this will only further entrench the network in Lost's plot and force ABC to make an open-ended commitment.

"We have no idea how long we'll have to keep this show going if we follow this plan," said the rep, who chose to remain nameless. "I mean, what about the storylines that these new characters start? Why do these twins suddenly show up, and what's their past? Why the hell is Paul Bunyan on an island? This will only create more problems. The only solution is a phased killing off of every character, or else have them all just get rescued."

Other critics believe that the commitment is in fact not enough to get the job done.

"This is really not a sufficient amount of characters," one dedicated Lostpedia administrator said. "What we really need is, like 70 or 80 new characters to really finish off the show. If we get enough characters in there, eventually the whole island can become a self-sufficient country and start its own entertainment business. From there we can enjoy far less complicated television shows performed by beloved characters from Lost."

Cuse says that this is an exit strategy, but the exit will not happen until the story is finished.

"We will not stop writing until we know exactly why this island has polar bears. Oh, and we'll reanimate Eko. He was actually as cool as a black version of Chuck Norris could be."