Month: January 2017

Image (above) is a fake and reportedly fabricated by a Russian hacker utilizing the Photoshop method which we all know is used extensively in fashion magazines to make fake boobs, make up news and stuff like that.

Image(below) is an authentic picture of Court Painter and celebrity friend ‘The Unknown Comic’ during his recent Book Tour.

Former Rock Star Court Painter Downgraded to “regular face painter”

BY GERRY NICHOLLS : ART CRITIC POSTMEDIA

Editor’s note: This is Mr. Nicholl’s first attempt at switching from partisan political commentary to covering an art celebrity in a piece that we applaud for being wonderfully barbed and dripping in thinly veiled contempt.

Seeing Court Painter get slammed with negative media coverage is like watching the Good Ship Lollipop get torpedoed in the waters of Peppermint Bay.

It’s startling to behold, since Court Painter’s “sugar and spice” art celebrity persona has always seemed to guarantee him media attention that alternates somewhere between fawning and adulatory.

In fact, up until the last few weeks, the closest we got to anything resembling a hard-hitting art media analysis of Court Painter were news stories focused on his choice of smokes and bad jokes at art openings.

But that’s changing now, as art journalists like myself are starting to highlight and expose certain cynical painting practices and tactics of the Court Painter , a trend which has had the effect of making the preeminent political portrait painter of the Great Dominion appear less like a paragon of idealism and more like – horror of horrors – a regular face painter.

And for Court Painter, who rose to power in the art world largely based on his status as a semi-divine, rock-star-style, cute-as-a-button art celebrity who would magically usher in an era of undiluted joy and happiness, being downgraded to the level of “regular face painter” is indeed a serious public relations setback. A Hardon MacKay his Press Attache is reportedly wetting his Prada pants.

Of course, Court Painter has no one to blame but himself for this state of affairs since his communication strategy of late has been more muddled than A Hardon MacKay’s official biography.

To show you what I mean, let’s look at how the Court Painter should have handled some recent controversies.

1. Bad Portrait Protests

What Court Painter Did

Court Painter seemed to be threatening these bad portrait protestors when he declared, “If people choose for their own reasons not to be peaceful, then I, through my martial art defence moves will ensure that my fans and unpaid studio interns will be kept safe.”

Hardly, the sort of comment we expect from the Court Painter regime, with its unofficial motto of “Cuddles Forever”.

What Court Painter Studio Should Have Done

Court Painter should have assured citizens of the great Dominion that good portrait painting would be guarded by a special new elite aesthetic unit, known as the “Sunny Ways Aesthetic Division,” a highly trained force which would subdue ‘I know what I like’ protesters with the latest in Yoga relaxation techniques.

2. Portrait Reform

What Court Painter Did

After taking the stance that amazingly popular art celebrities like Court Painter don’t need to keep his promise to introduce glitter in his portraits, has seemingly backed away from this pledge recorded on a live mike to reform and juice up the Great Dominion’s portraiture materials.

What Court Painter Should Have Done

Court Painter should have announced he would keep his promise on portrait material reform by making online voting for the Best Darn Portrait Painter in the Land a priority, after he consulted the world’s leading expert on cyber elections and equestrian portraits: Vladimir Putin.

3. Praising Chris Cran

What Court Painter Did

Court Painter made himself into something of an international joke when he inexplicably heaped effusive praise on his main competitor and art celebrity nemesis.

What Court Painter Should Have Done

Court Painter should have honoured Cran with actions instead of words by traversing the shark-infested waters of the Elbow River separating Inglewood and Calgary on a leaky raft, while smock-less. Imagine the selfies!

(Editors note: Although the writer’s suggestion is downright stupid and lacking in cliche cleverness, we have decided to let it stand since it measures up to most art writing standards)

4. Pay to Play in the Studio Sandbox

What Court Painter Did

Court Painter set up exclusive soirees where, in exchange for a hefty donation of beer and cigarettes, corporate bigwigs could hobnob with Court Painter and even try out his #3 sable hair brush.

What Court Painter Should Have Done

Holding these soirees is fine, but the Court Painter studio should have held them in the British Columbia wilderness, where the attending billionaires would only catch a glimpse of a near-naked Court Painter, as he cavorted while sketching chipmunks and squirrels.

Editors Note: We think Mr. Nicholl’s first time effort at covering an art celebrity of Court Painter’s stature is well intentioned however too long and the ending is really lame! Perhaps he should stick with political commentary where the bar is much lower and POSTMEDIA is sure to publish.