Every week, the crack team at the Legion of Blog transcribes all the outlandish things that Don Cherry says on Saturday night and responds to them for our faithful blog readers. This week, Grapes discusses the plague of sports hernia injuries, reminisces a loathsome goon, and seems to think John Davidson has any ability to scout and develop goaltenders. I call this week’s episode GOALS AN HITTIN AN EVERYTHINK!

Ron MacLean was delivering puns at a rate of one every six words in the opening. Even Cherry was getting annoyed.

Coach’s Corner this week came from the home rink of the Summerside Western Capitals, with the set overlooking the Junior-A game in the background. It was a pretty cool backdrop, and MacLean and Cherry waxed nostalgic about the former NHLer-turned former coach of the Capitals, Forbes Kennedy:

“Forbes Kennedy, listen, in a game against Boston, uh, two uh, majors, four minors, a game misconduct, and a misconduct. Holds a record, tied a record for most penalties in the playoffs.”

This is apparently true. In Game 1 of the East Division Semifinals in 1969 playoffs between the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Boston Bruins, the Bruins won 10-0, Pat Quinn knocked out Bobby Orr, and Kennedy came in for the Leafs to clean up the mess.

I’m not confused by this game so much as I am astounded. Kennedy picked up 48 penalty minutes and you can see the box-score here (I’d love to see Don count up the minutes on his fingers and toes). Kennedy really sent a message to the Bruins with his fists that the Leafs weren’t going to be rolled over like they were in Game 1, and it worked: the Leafs only lost Game 2 by a 7-0 score en-route to a 4-game sweep.

“He was a tough guy, I’ll tell you.”

Wonder how many cheap little plays Kennedy tried in that game. Older rats of the league are often mistaken for tough guys. History will look fondly upon Claude Lemieux, I figure.

Anyway, how are the Western Capitals doing, Don?

“Pretty good game we got here, they’re scoring goals and they’re hitting.”

They’re doing everything associated with a hockey game! There’s some skating, changes on the fly…

“Two goals and on his [Chris Phillips] 1,000th game, he must have really been up for it. And watch after the game, watch this here, great game, watch all the guys wear what they’re wearing after the game…”

Now Cherry confuses me. I can’t wait to watch what all the guys wore what they were wearing after the game to honour Chris Phillips.

“…in the warmup…”

Yeah, in the warmup. After the game what did they wear after the game in the warm up before the game?

“they’re not making fun of him, but when you have a guy that doesn’t score many goals. Now watch in the warmup, they’re all wearing four.”

Counting playoffs, Chris Phillips now has 69 career goals. Well, 70, if we count his Stanley Cup winner.

Oh, and all the Sens players were wearing #4 in the pre-game warm up for Saturday’s game. I have no idea why, but this is the same franchise that retired Frank Finnigan’s number, a player who retired 53 years before Ottawa was awarded an NHL franchise, and who died a year before they started playing.

“And you know why?”

Why the Senators wore number four? Is it not because Ottawa is a pretty gimmicky franchise?

That’s a lot of goalies to see a significant number of starts, without any of them, other than Elliott, having good seasons. But Davidson obviously knows his goaltenders. Maybe there just weren’t any good ones available between 2006 and whenever it was Brian Elliott became a free agent.

“I’ll tell you something, this guy [Elliott] is unbelievable. He’s 17 and 5, and you know Hitchcock’s doing a good job, but listen to this: save percentage 1.62…”

Most hockey broadcasters keep notes, so they don’t say things like “his save percentage was 1.62″. A lot of hockey broadcasters would realize the mistake and say, “hang on, that’s his goals against average.” Not Cherry. Cherry comes out guns ablaze, criticizing modern scouting and analytical techniques, while completely butchering the standard ones that have been used for years.

“and .940, I mean that’s unbelievable for a guy, and look at this [clip of Elliott with a glove save off of Dan Boyle] is that something?”

Yes, John Davidson is a hockey genius for getting half a season of great goalkeeping from a goalie who had a career .901 save percentage coming into this year.

“I love to see guys bounce back, and John Davidson, he was a free agent, he was let go.”

John Davidson was a free agent? Does that mean he’s coming back to broadcasting?

“Another guy I really loved right from the start and everything, this Bryron Britz [sic].”

Byron Bitz is a tough name to spell, and to pronounce, apparently.

“He was out a whole year with a sports hernia, and it seems to be a lot of them going around.”

Cherry, who whisks aside the notion that concussions are a major issue in hockey right now, is now convinced that there is a current plague of sports hernias going around the NHL. I can count Mike Green and Brooks Orpik, along with Rick DiPietro and, uh, Ryan White. Or at least this is what google tells me.

“He throws a few here, this is coming back, he’s playing with the twins, not too shabby, and he gets a goal, and uh… I think he gets another one anyhow that’s it.”

Not to shabby, getting to play a couple of games with back-to-back Art Ross winners. I think, uh, he got a goal, and, uh, maybe he got another one?

“And he come back from a sports hernia and he was out a whole year, I love showing guys like that.”

Funny story. Grapes also loves showing clips of guys who block shots, and then come back and play well, scoring a goal or recording an assist. Cherry loves those guys, and one of those guys this week was not only one of Bitz’s teammates, but one of his linemates, yet got nary a mention on Coach’s Corner.

That is so un-Don-like.

“He was a Bruin, and then they let him go!”

I can’t believe the Boston Bruins would just let a replacement-level player like Byron Bitz go like that. Serves them right, however, because they have had nothing but bad luck since they traded Bitz to Florida for Dennis Seidenberg at the 2010 deadline.

“He played just like a Bruin, anyhow let’s go!”

He’ll never be a real Boston Bruin, because I don’t think he’s ever been suspended.

“You know we’re going to show this, and this guy [Scott Gomez] took more abuse than any guy I have ever seen. Making a lot of money…”

Scott Gomez made $8M last season. He can afford to pay people to take the abuse for him.

“…went a whole year…”

He must have had a sports hernia.

“…everybody was on him, he gets a nice goal here, and I’m going to tell you what he was doing to not score!”

Scott Gomez doesn’t score goals because he’s a defensive forward who drives possession but doesn’t take a lot of shots. He’s also scored 20 goals a single time in his career. But, okay, Don (whose voice is starting to crack because he’s starting to cough, which gets kind of funny) you tell me why Gomez doesn’t score, other than the fact that he’s pretty offensively limited talent-wise?

“And what happened was… he was aiming!”

He was aiming each and every one of the 150 shots last season he took that didn’t go in, and 44 this season. He was aiming them, when he ought to have been attempting to hit the broad side of a barn (careful, don’t disrupt Kevin Lowe and Brian Burke).

“You know how a pitcher aims a puck?”

Like in baseball? …no?

“Or the ball?”

…okay? Generally as a pitcher you try to hit the strike zone, in the general sense that you’re aiming for the area. The best pitchers can hit those spots repeatedly.

“And he [voice cracks] Scott, just… shoot the… puck.”

Time for fan fiction:

These were unfortunately Don’s last words ever. Scott Gomez solemnly nodded in the direction of his fallen friend, and went on to score 30 goals each of the next two seasons.

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