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From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1186
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=== 1186 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1186
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 07:53:48 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
1186
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1181 59 votes 2ekf8 4doe4 1bml4 5bik5 he9b8 3jt62 3eek8 7ahg9 4dpf2 4apg4
1181 3.1 mean 3.2 3.0 3.3 3.2 2.6 2.7 3.3 3.2 3.0 3.1
--- 1186-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, today my employers told me that the new
> employee self-service website is the best thing since
> sliced bread... even though it won't let me log
> on to try it out. This begs the question for which, today,
> I am grovelling before you in hopes of getting some wisdom.
>
> My question for you, Orrie, is.. What was the best thing
> before sliced bread?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sharp Knives.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pastrami sandwich.
--- 1186-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Ross Clement
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Pssst!
>
> Pssst! Hey! You!
>
> Yeah, you. C'mere a second.
>
> Wanna buy a watch?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The modern world was not kind to all the old gods, Cronus in
} particular, was not adapting well.
--- 1186-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> VILES: That was awful, utterly awful.
>
> CLEMENT: It could be worse; remember "The Internet Oracle Sings"
> debacle?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} KINZLER:
} It's the Oracle, with our very special guest star Jaaayyy Raaandom
} Iiincaaaarnation!!!
}
} [Whole band, plenty of brass and drums]
} Bum ba dum ba dum, Bum Ba Dum Ba Dum, Buddum ba Dum Dum Dum!
} [Cut to cheesy bass, drums and horns]
} Boom chi boom chi boom (ba daaa ba da)
}
} SUPPLICANTS:
} It's time to fire up telnet!
} It's time to dim the lights!
} It's time to send a question to the Oracle tonight!
}
} [Cheesy bass fill, then]
} INCARNATIONS:
} It's time to think up answers!
} It's time to not be trite!
} It's time to get a laugh by incarnating tonight!
}
} VILES: Why do we have to do this
} CLEMENT: It's 'cause we fear our boss
} VILES: It's like a kind of torture
} BOTH: To have to read this dross
}
} [Interlude and solos]
}
} PRIESTS: And now let's get things started
} INC & SUP: Why don't you get things started
} KINZLER: It's time to get things started
} EVERYONE: on the most sensational educational oft unmentionable
} Oraculatable - this is what we call the Oracle!
}
} VILES: That was awful, utterly awful.
} CLEMENT: It could be worse; remember "The Internet Oracle Sings"
} debacle?
} VILES: Man, that was bad! He couldn't hit a note with a hammer!
} CLEMENT: I hear he sings so flat, Lisa does the ironing on his voice!
} BOTH:
}
} [fade out]
}
} You owe the Oracle some singing lessons.
--- 1186-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Unerring Oracle scholar of life, and poetry, and trucks,
> with your immortal's vengeance, and eye, and nostril, and
> beautiful disdain, and mighty thigh hair, and majestic
> flashlight collection please answer my humble question,
>
> Does the USA -really- have any nuclear bombs? I, mean, like
> if they did won't they be busy digging fallout shelters
> everywhere? They seem wildly unconcerned as a nation that is
> supposed to be sitting atop a huge world cleansing arsenal.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In the depths of the Pentagon, a smoke-filled room hosts a top-secret
} meeting, which I can now bring you via Zotovision ("now in fabulous
} color!").
}
} (wibble-wobble-wibble-wobble)
}
} General Z: Oh, damnit gentlemen, I just love sitting atop a huge world
} cleansing arsenal.
}
} General Y: Yes indeed, sure beats hemorrhoids.
}
} General X: Well, indeed... but, you know, there's one thing that's been
} bothering me.
}
} Z: Really, X, what the hell's that?
}
} X: Well, you know... We've spent many years now amassing this large
} pile of nuclear explosives, and they do look pretty and all, but it
} just makes me think.
}
} Y: About what?
}
} X: Uhh... well, maybe they'd look better on the mantlepiece than in the
} garden.
}
} Z: Dammit, X, you know my rosegarden won't look nearly so God-damn good
} without atomic warheads peeking cheekily between the flowers.
}
} Y: What brought all this on, General X?
}
} X: Well, one morning I was walking down the path towards the
} greenhouse, and when I passed the privet hedge between the ICBM silos,
} it just occurred to me that we might have forgotten something during
} the landscaping process.
}
} Y: And what would that be?
}
} X: Well, these bombs and all... they explode, don't they?
}
} Z: God damnit, X, what's the matter with you?
}
} X: I'm just concerned that we haven't fully explored the consequences
} of owning a large arsenal of big bangy things.
}
} Z: Hell, you're turning into a damn commie. I knew we shouldn't have
} let you dress up as John Lennon in last year's pageant.
}
} Y: Are you alleging that these explosives may be dangerous, General X?
}
} X: Well, only if they go off.
}
} Y: And you believe that would be dangerous?
}
} X: Well, I figure that if they explode, we might... well, we might get
} hurt.
}
} Z: Damnit, the nerds down in N Division Labs went into all that. The
} bombs only kill four classes of people: (1) Damn commies. (2)
} Long-haired flag-burners. (3) Assholes with guns. (4) Assholes without
} guns.
}
} Y: You see, X? Nothing to do with us.
}
} X: But they weren't fully tested outside of combat. When that warhead
} exploded in Cleveland last year - the one we hushed up, remember? -
} there was a report of a short-haired leaf-burner being slightly
} bruised. How do we know innocent Americans wouldn't be injured? More to
} the point, how do we know *we* wouldn't? And, at any rate, General Z is
} kind of an asshole.
}
} Y: I see. Hmmm... maybe some sort of shelter would be advisable?
}
} Z: A shelter?! If there was a war, I'd have to go into a damn shelter?
} I wouldn't be able to see any damn fireworks! I love god damn
} fireworks, and at least I wouldn't have to pay for a damn ticket.
}
} X: Well, Z could stay out of the shelter if he wanted. But maybe we
} should build some?
}
} Y: Right. I'll get onto the approved contractors and see about getting
} them built. How much do they cost again?
}
} X: Well, say $15 million per shelter per 100 people. How many people
} are there in the United States again?
}
} Z: Too damn many. They're all damn commies and long-haired assholes
} without guns.
}
} Y: At any rate, there is no way we could afford to protect all those
} civilians. I vote we don't bother about them and just build a decent
} shelter for the three of us.
}
} X: Well, that sounds fine to me. I second it.
}
} Z: Damn right. Motion carried.
}
} Y: I'll put it in the minutes. Now, General Z... you had something to
} say about your department's harnessing of the energy of ZOT?
}
} Whoops, I'd better stop it there. Don't want to give away any trade
} secrets.
}
} (wibble-wobble-wibble-wobble)
}
} You owe the Oracle a more powerful ZOT to get through Zadoc's shelter
} shielding.
--- 1186-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> All right, buddy...where is it?!?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} #3 on the list of things you don't want to hear from
} a new lover.
--- 1186-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or ...
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} .. forever shall it dominate his destiny.
}
} No, wait. That's not right. Hold on here, I seem to have a wire
} crossed somewhere.
}
} ... he shall be trapped with free service for all of his days.
}
} More appropriate, but not what you're looking for. Let's see: the blue
} wire's connected to the red pylon, the red wire's connected to the
}
}
} ... else.
}
} A tad short, isn't it? Maybe if I connect this here with this -there-,
} flip that circuit over here, and touch this button instead.
}
} ... life would be too easy.
}
} Pragmatic, at best. True, but not delivered well. Not to mention that
} it's not even from the quote database. Where's my soldering iron?
}
} ... the biopulminary functionality of the mental apertures will be lost
} upon the semi-sentient life form, thus resulting in the complete and no
} doubt absolute loss of a ridged, or even loose, belief structure.
}
} Er, no. Good try, but you still get to feel the torch.
}
} There. Maybe that'll do it.
}
} ... jaiog hioaegh aohgoaiu giaoghoa gai aigha oi igooag.
}
} Damn stupid machine!! "It'll make your life
} easier," he says. "Free up your time," he says.
} "Give excellent and creative answers," he says. Did
} I know better? Of course! Did I listen to myself?
} Of course not!
}
} Okay, my little supposed electronic assistant: you get one more shot at
} this. Just once more, and then I chuck you in the bin. If you deliver
} the right answer, I'll think about letting you have a very short
} existence as a smart bomb. One more time: "A man's reach should
} exceed his grasp, OR..."
}
} ... or what's a Heaven for?
}
} Hmm. I like the others better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good, long talk with Robert Browning, and an
} address to send this so-called "helper" to the Department of Defense.
--- 1186-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Mighty Oracle,
>
> This isn't going to work is it?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Email failed:
}
} This email was bounced for the following reason:
}
} 4g: Didn't Work.
--- 1186-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most changeless, can you tell me where I can cash this
> reality check?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In an election year ?
}
} You owe The Oracle a rain-check on that reality check.
--- 1186-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, Wisest of the Wise,
>
> If humans were descended from Kangaroos instead of apes, what would our
> society be like ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 10) "Big tail" and "deep pocket" jokes abound
} 09) Basketball hoops would be forty five feet off the ground
} 08) Australia, "The Cradle of Life" would be constantly wracked
} with religious wars
} 07) 89% of the population is named "Joey"
} 06) After 10,000 years the horror of recreational Koala Bear stomps
} and the problem of anti-wallaby bigotry still not resolved
} 05) Chairs never get invented
} 04) Jesus dies from blood loss after having his tailed hacked
} off with a machete, not from being hung on a cross
} 03) Clowns wear hilarious itty-bitty shoes
} 02) 'Mickey Human' is the most popular cartoon character of all
} time
} 01) Kangaroos innate inability to walk backward causes hundreds of
} thousands to die of starvation each year in small cramped
} apartment bathrooms
}
} You owe the Oracle some boxing gloves.
--- 1186-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Am I really The One?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, which makes your significant other The Zero.
}
} The Oracle advises against pointing that out to them.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice motherboard.