Every once in a while, I have one of those pastoral fails – those moments when I say something that ends up sounding horribly thoughtless and makes me feel disappointed in myself. Last week, I was talking to a new mom about the struggles of those first weeks of new motherhood. I was bemoaning how when my mom left two weeks after my first child was born, I cried for hours, not knowing how to raise a child without her help. Only hours later did I remember that this person’s mom died many years ago, and how insensitive my story sounded in hindsight.

Motherhood is a bit of a minefield. Some of us are extremely fortunate to have awesome moms and wonderful relationships with those moms. Some of us have more strained relationships, others of us have cutoff relationships, some had negligent or hurtful mothers, and many are still grieving our mothers who have passed. Meanwhile, some of us have had amazing experiences being moms ourselves, while others have longed to have children or have lost pregnancies or children. Motherhood is so complicated that I sometimes find myself caught off guard by my own unexpected emotional response to motherhood.

For a priest, that is why I dread Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a day where I feel split in half – where I both want to honor the goodness and sacredness of motherhood, and I want to honor ways motherhood can be so painful. This year, I was blessed by a friend who wrote about how to honor the tensions we find on Mother’s Day. I leave with you a prayer she references found in Women’s Uncommon Prayers, written by the Reverend Leslie Nipps. May your Mother’s Day find the balance I long for you to find.

On this Mother’s Day, we give thanks to God for the divine gift of motherhood in all its diverse forms. Let us pray for all the mothers among us today; for our own mothers, those living and those who have passed away; for the mothers that loved us and those who feel short of loving us fully; for all who hope to be mothers someday and for those whose hope to have children has been frustrated; for all mothers who have lost children; for all women and men who have mothered others in any way—those who have been our substitute mothers and we who have done so for those in need; and for the earth that bore us and provides us with our sustenance. We pray this all in the name of God, our great and loving Mother. Amen. (p. 364)

This week I attended our Spring Clergy Day. Our presenters for the day talked to us about addictions and their impact on families and communities. As part of our work, we eventually began to talk about how we honor those in our midst who are struggling with the disease of addiction while staying true to ourselves. One specific issue at hand was how to make room for alcoholics in a Church that serves wine as the blood of Christ. Although our Bishop was pretty clear that he did not want us to step outside of the rubrics (i.e. using grape juice instead of wine/non-alcoholic wine), several clergy members shared practices they had adopted to make parishioners struggling with alcoholism feel incorporated into the community. Ultimately, what we decided was that each parish was different, and the important point was that we talked about the issue, especially soliciting the opinions of those who suffer from the disease.

Meanwhile, this Sunday is Mother’s Day. I have come to dread Mother’s Day because of the many pastoral implications (see my posts here and here). However, I am in a new parish that longs to honor those mothers and mothering-types who have made a healthy impact in their lives. I realized the dilemma of trying to honor mothers while honoring those for whom Mother’s Day is a hard day is not unlike the dilemma of trying to honor years of tradition in the Anglican Church and the pastoral sensitivities needed of a modern priest.

In both of these instances, I find myself mostly concerned about making room for both joy and compassion. How do we honor the struggle of the alcoholic while also honoring the power the taste and tradition of wine has on our spirituality? How do we honor the amazing mother we have in our lives while also honoring the fact that not everyone is so lucky? How do we celebrate the pregnancy or birth of a child in our parish while also honoring how difficult hearing about pregnancy is for someone struggling with infertility?

I am hopeful that we can do both. This Sunday, my parish is going to try to do just that. We had several parishioners who really wanted to honor the mothers in our midst. Holding on to that inner tension, we agreed that every female would be offered a flower and a poem that named the inherent challenge of honoring the amazing mothers in our lives and the ways that this day is hard for many of us. Our hope is that by doing both, we have the opportunity to give thanks and rejoice while also leaving room for grief and intercession. We know there is no perfect way to do both – but we also know that in doing nothing, we sever any opportunity for joy by simply attending to grief. Instead, we are electing to go with the both-and instead of the either-or. Prayers for all of you as you navigate the both-and of this world!

As Mother’s Day approaches, I face it with my usual dread. Though there are so many mothers that we can and should honor (I love you, Mom!!), there are so many people for whom this is a hard day. I am at the stage in life when many of my friends are having children. There are the sonogram picture announcements about the pregnancies, the gender-reveal parties, the showers, and, of course, the onslaught of beautiful baby pictures. It is a time of great joy and most of the time it feels like a gift, especially to be a part of it all when friends live far away.

But then I remember all of those friends who want to be pregnant, but struggle with infertility. Each pregnancy announcement is bittersweet. And I remember all of those friends who have lost a pregnancy. Those sonogram pictures bring up fresh rounds of grief. And I remember those friends who have lost children after birth. Those pictures of swaddled babies bring back the muscle memory of empty arms.

Of course, that does not even include all the other ways that Mother’s Day can be difficult: the mothers we have lost, the mothers who have been abusive, the mothers who are estranged from their children. The list goes on and on. And so, each year, my Mother’s Day tradition has been to reread this wonderful ode to “The Wide Spectrum of Mothering,” by Amy Young. May you bless and be blessed this Mother’s Day, affirming all the women in your life.

The older I have become, the more complicated Mother’s Day seems for me. I grew up with an amazing mother. She made tremendous sacrifices for our family, she was incredible witness to what serving Christ and others meant, and she was a caring and loving presence in my life. As I have become an adult, our relationship has naturally changed. We do not agree on a variety of things, but I have a deep love and admiration for her – more than I could probably ever explain or express to her or to you.

But as I have become an adult, the idea of motherhood has shifted. When I moved away from my family, other women became mothers to me too. I have become a mother myself and now see how incredibly difficult the job is. And I have watched friends and family lose beloved mothers – sometimes at a very young age, and sometimes at a much more mature age. The loss never goes away.

But I have also seen the darker side of mothers. I have come to know individuals who were abused by their mothers. I have come to know women who want to be mothers but cannot. I have come to know mothers whose relationships with their children have become estranged and irreparably damaged.

So every year, given that Mother’s Day falls on a Sunday, I find myself torn about Mother’s Day. I find myself wanting to celebrate the goodness of mothers – however we define motherhood. And I find myself wanting to acknowledge how wholly painful this day is to others. The best I can do is be honest about that tension and pray for all of us – that we somehow manage to hold our joy and our sorrow in tension this Mother’s Day. And for all of us, I offer up this prayer: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/42236079/The%20wide%20spectrum%20of%20mothering%20%28resource%29.pdf