OMG! Guys: How to Survive 101 of the Most F'ed Dating Situations

Summary

He told everyone you slept together (when you didn't)He licked your face like a dog while you were making outHe told you he thinks your mom is hot...And all you can say is OMG!

But then what? In this hilarious guide, comedian and coauthor of the WTF? series Jodi Miller offers real-life reactions for the ridiculous (and repulsive) everyday dating dramas you must endure.

From forgetting to tell you he has crabs to his baby mama hating your guts, you'll find solutions to the dilemmas that make you say, "Oh My God!"

So the next time he asks you what you think about getting a boob job, or you catch him checking out your best friend, don't cry out for divine intervention. Just consult the OMG!: Guys advisor and you'll know just what to doany place, anywhere, any time!

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OMG! Guys - Jodi Miller

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1

Guy Meets Girl

1. You're the only one out of your friends who doesn't have a boyfriend

I t's a great time in your life. You're single, carefree, and independent. Life is good. You and your girls are livin' it up. But lately you've noticed that the number of girls that go out on girls' night is getting smaller every week. Your weekends, which once resembled an episode of The Hills, now more closely resemble The Golden Girls. One by one your single girlfriends are becoming one half of a couple. The next thing you know you look around and you're the last single girl in your crew. OMG!

OPTION #1

Find a guy fast. Monkey see, monkey do right? Follow your friends' lead and get a man. Shit, get a few men if you want. That way, when your friend suggests a couples' night you'll be more concerned with what to wear than how you'll ever get a date.

OPTION #2

Find new friends. If all your friends are taken, go out and find some new single girls to roll with. Shouldn't be too hard — go through your FB friends and see how many of those people you barely talk to anymore list their status as single. And hey, most likely your coupled friends will become single again soon enough. If not, at least you'll have new single girls to take to the wedding and take advantage of the open bar with.

OPTION #3

Stay strong. So what if you're the only one without a boyfriend? Don't get a lame boyfriend just to fit in with your friends. If you like being single right now, then stay single. Just because someone is in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean they're happy. I bet most of your friends will envy the fact that you don't have a guy to answer to. Live it up, sister.

In the Future …

2. You don't have the guts to talk to guys

You're out for happy hour with a few of your girls and you see him across the room. So cute. You keep looking over at him to see if he notices you. The next time you look over, your eyes lock. He smiles at you. You smile back. He finishes a beer, then starts walking your way and you … run to the bathroom and vomit. OMG, this happens every time. Every time you meet a boy you might want to get to know your palms start to sweat, your heart races, and then bam, you either run away or puke. How attractive.

OPTION #1

Grow a pair. Seriously, what's the worst that can happen? He's not gonna grab your boob in the middle of a bar (unless you ask him to). So unless you've lost the ability to talk to another person, open your mouth and try to eke out something that sounds half-intelligent.

OPTION #2

Get wasted. Okay maybe not wasted, but have a drink before you make contact just to take the edge off. Careful, though. Too many rum and Cokes and you'll throw up on yourself or him. It's hard to get past that.

OPTION #3

Practice makes perfect. Start flirting with guys you're not interested in — you'll feel less pressure and get your sea legs. Once you've gotten the swing of things, move on and up from there. And who knows? Maybe you'll end up with one of your practice dudes. Win, win.

OPTION #4

Become a nun. The only time you'll have to worry about talking to your man is when you're praying.

OMG Facts for the Shy Girl

Use these quick tips to overcome an uncomfortable situation.

Smile to show you're friendly.

Make eye contact to show you're confident.

Sit up straight to show off your boobs.

OMGesus!

Men's Health Magazine says men initiate about 80 percent of encounters. So chill the F out and just let the dude come to you.

3. You think every guy you meet is a loser

He has no sense of humor. He thinks everything's a joke. His teeth are too big. His hands are too small. His hair is too long. Every time you meet a guy there's always something that you can't stand. He lives too far away. He lives with his parents. Whatever the reason, it seems you just can't meet someone you like. Too picky? Maybe. Getting lonely? Definitely.

OPTION #1

Lower your standards. Seriously, if you are finding the smallest things to pick on then maybe the problem is you. Make a list of what you're really looking for in a guy and make sure shit like his teeth aren't the right size isn't on it.

OPTION #2

Try him out. So maybe at first you don't feel it, but maybe after a date or two you will. Remember what your mother always said: How do you know if you don't like something if you haven't tried it? So go ahead, take a bite.

OPTION #3

Mix it up. Start hanging out with different friends and at different places. If you love hiking and bicycle riding you're probably not gonna meet your dream man passed out at a bar. Join a club that really interests you and hopefully you'll meet someone with similar tastes. If you're interested in finding a drunk, then stick with the bar.

OPTION #4

Call in the pros. If you're old enough to use a cell phone while driving, you're probably too old to meet your dream guy at a mall. So if you can't seem to meet a guy you like on your own, go to the professionals. Like online dating, speed dating, or even a real matchmaker (The Millionaire Matchmaker if you can afford it, though that bitch seems kinda crazy). True, you're paying money for someone else to find you a guy — but it's their problem now!

I like the bad-boy types. Generally the guy I'm attracted to is the guy in the club with all the tattoos and nail polish.

Megan Fox

OMG Dating Tip: Not So Great Places to Meet Guys

AA meetings

Unemployment office

A local middle school (unless you're both students)

The dollar store (if the guy isn't going to shell out for brand name toilet paper, he's probably not going to buy you dinner anyplace without a drive-through)

Prison (unless you're one of those chicks who marry guys on death row, still, I don't encourage it)

OMG Rant!

Why do people always say that a wedding is a great place to meet a guy? This is bullshit. First of all, almost everyone at the wedding is with a date. And if they are alone, there's usually a reason. Either they're not old enough to date or they're one of the groomsmen which means their only intention that night is to get wasted and try to hook up with anything that has a vagina. I have been to 57 weddings, a bridesmaid 10 times, maid of honor 3 times, and the number of times I have met an available man adds up to zero. The numbers don't lie. So unless you're looking for a statutory charge or a one night stand, forget this myth about bagging your dream guy at your cousin's wedding.

4. The guy you've been flirting with all night drops the girlfriend bomb

He's cute and funny and you two have been talking since the moment you met. He comments on what a great smile you have. You both giggle at each other's stupid jokes. You casually touch his arm. He flirtatiously touches your back when he excuses himself to go take a piss (okay, he's still a guy). Totally psyched, you text your friend who is watching you from across the room. OMG, this guy is awesome.

Then all of a sudden, in the middle of his hilarious story about falling asleep on the subway and waking up at the last stop, he drops the bomb. So there I am, completely lost in the middle of the sketchiest neighborhood, and I have to call my girlfriend to pick me up at two in the morning. Hold on, what? Did you hear him correctly? He must have said my ex-girlfriend. So you ask him, Oh, did you say your girlfriend picked you up?Yeah, he replies. She's so great. You two would definitely get along.

WTH? How is this happening? He was so obviously sending the signs that he was into you. What an asshole. And what a waste of a night.

OPTION #1

Smile and leave. Quickly end the conversation and excuse yourself. He's either oblivious to the signs of flirting or he is planning on cheating on his girlfriend. Either way, this is not the guy for you. Find the next available guy and then make out your cares away.

OPTION #2

Confront him. Ask him straight out why he has been so flirty with you all night if he has a girlfriend. He'll probably play the dumb guy act. But whether or not he's aware of it, this asshole has been coming across as not only single but also available. Order a drink on his tab and rejoin your friends. Then stare daggers at him the rest of the night. You know, like the mature adult that you are.

OPTION #3

Teach him a lesson. Go from fun flirt to DTF right before his eyes. Make suggestive comments about your underwear. Ask him how far away his place is. Press up against him next time you laugh at one of his jokes. Then, right before he thinks you're about to leave together, rip him a new asshole about the dangers of leading girls on and cheating on your girlfriend. Leave him and his blue balls on his own.

5. You've been talking to a guy for hours and he doesn't ask you for your number

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl start a dialogue. Girl giggles at boy's dumb jokes. Boy listens to girl talk about her cat. Boy asks girl for her number. Except he hasn't. You and this very cute dude have been chatting up a storm all night and you're ready for him to ask, Can I call you sometime? but he doesn't. And now he's leaving.

OPTION #1

Ask him for his digits. Even though you've been talking all night, boys are dumb. This one, for whatever reason, might be scared of being rejected. Take the initiative and tell him you have to run but you would love to talk again or maybe grab coffee sometime. Give him your number and then peace out. The ball is in his court and now he knows how you feel. If he doesn't feel the same way, you and your girlfriends can overanalyze why he doesn't call over several nights and several (dozen) bottles of wine.

OPTION #2

Get clever. Ask if you can see his iPhone cause you're thinking about switching plans. When he forks it over, put your number in there. When you hand it back to him, say something witty like, "Wow, your phone comes with my