3 Ways to Avoid Domestic Violence

But what if you’re not Ray Rice’s wife? What if you’re the battered woman left to get pounded in obscurity with no national media to take up your cause?

Got me to wondering.

According to the Partnership Against Domestic Violence, one in four American women have experienced domestic violence in their lifetime, and nearly 5.3 million incidents of domestic violence occur annually among women aged 18 or older. This results in nearly 2 million reported injuries, including about 1,300 deaths per year. That’s an average of more than three women murdered in the United States by their husbands or boyfriends every single day, people.

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The last time I went to hit a girl I was 6 years old. I balled my tiny fist and sent it hurtling through the air. My sister Susan, just turned 4, picked up a pair of scissors from a nearby sewing basket and jabbed the points deep into my right ring finger, almost all the way through.

I still have the scar to remind me not to be an abuser.

Not that there aren’t still plenty of them out there, sadly, many of whom serve in our military services. According to a recent Pentagon study, in the last year alone reports of sexual assaults by service members—and over 90 percent of Military Sexual Trauma, or MST, is accompanied by some form of violence—rose by an unprecedented 46 percent. And that is just the people who reported the attacks. This startling increase prompted Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel to declare the epidemic a “clear threat” to both male and female service members.

Getting Between the Urge and the ActionSadly, neither me nor you can do much about how either the Ray Rices or the GI Joes of the world treat their women behind closed elevator doors. What we can do, however, is give a thought to how me and you treat our own partners. Or, as my brother said to me recently when we were talking about the Ray Rice fiasco, “I suppose at some time in our lives we all get the urge. But, man, getting the urge to hit a woman, and actually acting on it is the difference.”

Which got me to thinking—as usual, always dangerous —which in turn got me to ringing up Kelsey DeSantis, who served in the Marine Corps’ military police for five years and a couple of years back, you may recall, was the woman who invited Justin Timberlake to be her date to the Corps’ black-tie Birthday Ball.

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Now, DeSantis is also a professional mixed martial artist, in Muay Thai. Further, she has founded the HELO Foundation to help ease the transition of combat veterans back into civilian life. As such, she has worked with hundreds of military spouses of warriors returning home, about 20 percent of whom, according to studies, suffer from emotional problems ranging from PTSD to TBI to everything in between. Which too often leads to domestic violence.

So here’s the premise I put to her:

“The vast majority of Men’s Health readers, much like returning vets, are generally good guys. But if they should ever get that urge my brother was talking about, how do they recognize that they may have a problem, and what can they do about it?”

From her own experience of counseling veterans, DeSantis gave me three suggestions for both recognizing these warning signs and dealing with them that, I think, apply to all men.

Set a Code WordThe first, she said, involves a “cool-off code word” that either partner can and should use if one of them suspects that some form of violent response might be imminent.

“You know,” she said, “a word, any word, that is a clear indication that a conversation is turning too heated, maybe edging into a physical confrontation, and needs to be stopped immediately and picked up at another time. The word ‘Text’ is a good example. Say you’re arguing with your woman and she says to you ‘Text,’ it means it’s time to walk away and maybe text her later when your emotions have calmed.

“I’ve found that the kind of man who would be willing to face the fact that he may need a code word in his relationship would also be the kind of man to respect that code word if it comes to saying it aloud. On the other hand, if a man says he doesn’t need a code word, or won’t use one, if his ego can’t handle that, this should be a clear indication to a woman that theirs is not a healthy relationship.”

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Identify TriggersDeSantis’s second suggestion is as simple as pulling out a calendar and marking the anniversary of dates when something occurred that might put you on, or even over, the edge.

“I can’t tell you how many spouses I’ve counseled who have told me, ‘Johnny was never, ever violent with me before he went overseas. What’s happened to him?” Well, combat happened to him. And there are things you don’t, can’t forget. It might be the day that he lost a friend. It might be the day he was almost killed in a close call. But this also applies to civilians. We all have dates we remember when something really, really bad happened.

“So if you just grab your calendar in early January every year, and circle those dates that might set you off, it gives you time to prepare for the possibility that subconsciously you might be about to re-visit whatever trauma that occurred. Believe me, I’ve seen this work. It seems kind of obvious, I admit, but once you know what emotions might be coming, they are no longer subconscious, and much easier to deal with.”

Talk to a Friend“Finally—and this might be the one your readers have the hardest time with,” she said, “but if you think you might be the type of person who has even the tiniest, slightest inclination toward domestic violence because something deep in your psyche is getting to you, set aside an hour or so each week to go talk to your buddies about it.

“Meet in a coffee shop, a park, a bowling alley—anywhere but a bar; alcohol and emotions don’t mix—and use that time as a release to talk it out and lose whatever weight you’ve got on your shoulders.”

“Listen,” DeSantis concluded before we rang off, “your brother was pretty much right. In my experience, men tend to deal with a problem in a more physical sense. The vets I work with in particular are trying to make the transition from dealing with one emotion on the battlefield—survival—to all the emotional complications civilian life entails. Jobs, kids, housing, whatever.

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“Even the greatest, most sensitive guys sometimes have that urge to solve a problem with their fists. It’s the smart ones who recognize it, and can do something about it before they do something stupid. I’ve found that most of the vets I deal with are good guys, smart guys. They just sometimes need a little help in recognizing stuff. I bet it’s pretty much the same with your readers.”

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