Relationships

RELATIONSHIPS: Love is not enough. Plenty of us have hurt those we loved and been hurt by those who loved us. Good intentions are not enough. Too often we intend to behave in a certain way, but find ourselves behaving differently. What it takes to create healthy relationships is a whole new model of relating, and that’s what we share and practice in our Live Conscious community.

Let Go. Give In. Stop Trying. I believe hard work often pays off. I also believe there are situations in which we should try less hard. When we try hard we tend to narrow our focus—followed by a cascade of physiological changes that begin with a release of adrenaline....

Can love really be easy? Can relationships be easy? Or do our darker sides, our shadows, that are born out of neglect, abuse, or lack of nurturance early in life—result in us having to work hard to love and be loved? Do our early life emotional deficits—as well as...

Is there such a thing as the answer to ALL relationship issues? Could relating with other people be straightforward and uncomplicated? And, with our partners, can love truly be easy? The answer to all these questions is yes. Before I tell you the secret formula, let...

Do you struggle at times to love your partner? Many people do. Some, because they’re with the wrong partner. But for many of us it’s because we never learned how to make love easy. One reason is that very few people actually believe love can be easy. We hear so...

What does it look like, feel like, sound like to have a healthy heart connection within your romantic love relationship? This question arose recently when I was working with a client. The man I was working with is very healthy, extremely bright, and very committed to...

Do you have a hole in your heart? Have you had different romantic partners, but the basic dynamic between you remains the same? The dynamic, in short, is this—you don’t get what you want. Somehow you keep making the same mistake, either choosing the wrong person or...

How old do you feel like you are? It was about a week ago when I asked my mother, “How old do you feel like you are?” She said, “Twenty-three.” And if I were to measure her by her spirit and enthusiasm for life I would agree. In physical years she is...

Run from what? And where is there? This past week I worked with a couple of different clients who have made remarkable progress in terms of their personal growth and maturity. Both men. One thirty-years-old, the other forty. Good looking to boot. What they are both...

We all make choices—adopt beliefs—that alter the trajectory of our lives. Some of these choices have long lasting consequences. One such choice has to do with whether we frame things in a binary way, such as “us vs. them,” or whether we frame things based on the...

I make choices — I adopt beliefs — and I alter the trajectory of my life. Some of my choices have long-lasting consequences for me. One of my choices has to do with whether I frame myself in a binary way, such as “me vs. them,” or whether I frame myself based on my...

I spend several hours every week watching smart people make terrible mistakes in how they treat their lovers/partners. What follows is a list of the four major mistakes I see couples make. If I do nothing more than commit myself to avoiding these four mistakes, I...

Happy New Year! Okay . . . a brand new year. If you read our articles you know that we think one of the most profound things in life is our ability to “redo” ourselves. What’s a redo? A redo is a chance to exercise our free will, so as soon as...

A gift for you! We want to share with you three tools that can change the way you communicate, especially with people you love. These tools are more than tools; they help put you in a fundamentally different orientation—a different way of connecting with the people...

“I sincerely, sincerely apologize, what can I say? I make mistakes.” The above quote is one of many by Toronto’s Mayor, Rob Ford. Even before he was elected mayor he was apologizing for his bad behavior, and since he’s become mayor it’s more frequent. Since May of...

Do you want to be a better man? Do you remember that line from the movie, As Good As It Gets—Jack Nicholson says to Helen Hunt—”You make me want to be a better man.” And she says, “That’s maybe the best compliment of my life.” In the past...

A Map For Romantic Relationships Walk, run, rest. Hop, skip, jump. Birth, life, death. Everything has a rhythm—an order. This is true for romantic relationships but most people don’t know or pay attention to the order. It goes like this: Dating, Relating,...

What is love? Certainly “what is love?” is a nebulous question with probably as many answers as there are people. One definition that caught my attention recently was Victor Hugo’s quote, “To love another person is to see the face of God.” If we were to believe that...

There are many ingredients that go into creating healthy relationships: Respect Adoration Reciprocity Shared values Great chemistry Compatible styles But maybe nothing is more important than having healthy emotional boundaries. If so, then the questions we ask are,...

What do you need to let go of? I work with a lot of couples in my therapy practice. They come to therapy because they are discontented—and brave. That’s why I enjoy this work. These couples that come to me are motivated to make changes in the ways they relate to...

Learning To Love Better. How can we learn to love better? How do we make our intimate relationships feel like havens, be deeper and more meaningful? To a great degree, we can do this by learning to speak to each other in a different way. If we can truly begin to...

It can be easy I want to share with you part of a recent therapy session I conducted. The work I did is counter-intuitive in many ways. It connects to a previous article I wrote, Love or Fear. So much of therapy is based on minimizing people’s fears, and...

Can You Redo Yourself? This morning while driving our grandson to school, his mother called him on his iPhone. (I don’t think 12-year-olds should have iPhones, but his father bought it for him and his parents are divorced—and well—you can imagine the rest.) At least...

Maintaining a loving relationship is an exciting new category for us to explore. In our recent retreats we’ve had more young people participating and we realize the remarkable opportunity that they have by learning these skills early in life. Learning how to...

What if you thought of the act of apologizing— not as admitting that you were wrong—but as a mature choice that you get to make to reconnect with someone you love. Just to be clear—I do know people who are chronically apologetic—that’s not...

A patient recently came in complaining that she cannot find a healthy romantic partner. She said she keeps choosing men who just don’t know how to be happy. Regardless of how well their life is going, they complain about something. And nothing she ever does seems good...

Do you get what you want in your life? I’m not talking about material things; I’m talking about your primary relationships. Does your partner give you what you want? Are you treated the ways you want to be treated? Do you receive from your partner the things you most...

Do you think creating healthy relationships —romantic ones—is hard? Many people do. And you know what . . . all those people who think so have a hard time creating healthy relationships. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. And if you expect it to be hard, when it...

Unconditional Love Is Not The Answer “I pursued unconditional love for years and ended up being a single woman with a cat. Only after I created my FOUR CONDITIONS did I attract a healthy partner into my life.” The follow article is...

Are you or your partner argumentative? Have you had this kind of disagreement with your partner? One of you says to the other, “I don’t like it when you X.” Or, “I don’t want you to X.” “I don’t want you to flirt with...

Okay, here is our politically incorrect advice for people who want to have healthy relationships. And this applies to all romantic relationships, intimate relationships, or close friendships. If you want to have healthy relationships: Be intolerant! Being intolerant...

There are basically three reasons why we hold back . . . We judge something about ourselves as unacceptable so we don’t want others to see it. We believe another person will judge something about us as unacceptable. We withhold as a way to punish the person...

There are two fundamental reasons why we get defensive. If we understand these reasons—with a little bit of effort—we can stop being defensive. Defending ourselves when we really don’t need to is one of the last vestiges of immaturity. #1—We defend ourselves...

Do you have a healthy sex life? To answer that question you need to have a definition of “sexual health.” If your love making is great, maybe you don’t need to read any further, just go back to bed with your partner. But, if your love making and sex life aren’t...

Romantic relationships offer something unique In romantic relationships, if we frame our conversations with our partner in a particular way, even the difficult conversations become a chance to deepen our connection. The key is turning toward one another, not away from...

Respect yourself is the answer! What’s the question? Well, it comes in response to our most popular blog post: How To Find A Good Man . As a result of that post we’ve received several specific emails asking for more advice on how to find a good man. I...

How to love, that’s the question. The answer is simple. It’s love, stupid! “It’s the economy, stupid” was a phrase in American politics widely used during Bill Clinton’s successful 1992 presidential campaign against George Bush. The...

In my previous postings, how to find a good man and how to find a good woman, I emphasized that early in the dating stage you need to be rather intolerant. I’d like to say more about this. If you’re trying to find a good partner—male or female—one key is to apply your...

We are at the end—the physical end—of this Live Conscious Retreat, in Maya Tulum. But I don’t think of this as an end, instead it is a beginning for the people who came together for the past eight days. As we learned to use a new set of communication tools and we...

It’s day 5 of our winter retreat and today we explored the stages of human development from approximately age twenty until the time when we become elders. One of the most significant things that happens during these stages is that we individuate from our...

What could possibly be more important than learning how to love? Did anyone teach you how to love? Did anyone teach your parents how to love? Are you teaching your kids how to love? If you want to teach your children how to love, teach them how to live their...

What should I expect from my relationship? This is such an important question, and one that many couples never ask or answer. It really comes down to understanding and agreeing on our rights and responsibilities.

I recently received an email from someone who was concerned about how to express emotions, because in some ways she feels like she is “bad” or “failing” when she expresses “negative” emotions. She wrote: “I am feeling myself...

Guest Blogger Paula Green writes about how to find happiness and love. When we put pressure on a water saturated sponge we know what will come out. Water. What comes out of me when I am under pressure? Guilt, frustration, anger, self victimization. That is what came...

As a practicing therapist, working with many couples over the past 20 years, I disagree with Dr. Margaret’s Paul’s recent article in the Huffington Post, Leaving A Relationship: The Easy Way Out?, wherein she proclaims that difficult relationships are...

I’m a Gunsmoke enthusiast. The TV show aired from 1955 to 1975, and provided mentoring in honesty, integrity, accountability, kindness, and grit. Those of us who grew up paying attention to Matt Dillon learned valuable lessons. Recently watching a rerun, I thought to...

In my previous postings, “How to Find a Good Man” and “How to Find a Good Woman,” I emphasized that early in the dating stage you need to be rather intolerant. I’d like to say more about this. If you’re trying to find a good partner—male or female—one key is to apply...

In an earlier posting I wrote about how to find a good man . Most everything I said applies to finding a good woman, so please reference that post. However, here are a few more specific comments. By the way, there’s a lot more interest expressed by women trying to...

“How To Find A Good Man,” is a continuation from an earlier blog, “Why can’t I find a good man,” in which I suggest that many women attempt to force relationships to work with the wrong men. It’s as if these women try too hard. Ironically, if they are...

In my private counseling practice I work with a lot of women who ask the question, “Why can’t I find a good man?” I often point out the good news, which is that you’re only looking for one. Today, I had a casual conversation with a woman who...

On eHow’s ‘tips from people like you’, Terri R writes an interesting article giving 6 useful instructions to consider in order for couples to fall back in love. Great stuff, but much of what is suggested can be easier said than done. I believe the...

Steven Stosny points out in his “Why Couples Fight” article, that people don’t really fight about the things we think they fight about but, rather, they fight when they believe their partner does not care about what they feel and about “the...

In Psychology Today, Craig Malkin, Ph.D. has written a very helpful article, “Five Ways to Kick the Jealousy Habit.” I recommend it for both the jealousee and the jealouser. In addition to suggesting five things you can do to help yourself deal with...

The basic drift of an article in the NY Times is that many men and woman, according to the findings of a recent study, are disappointed with the lack of sex in their relationships. And this was attributed to too many “other tasks and obligations competing for a...

The ScienceDaily staff wrote a short article, adapted from materials provided by the Association for Psychological Science, with the title, “How couples recover after an argument stems from their infant relationships.” We think this contains some valuable...

In a recent NY Times article, Tara Parker-Pope writes, “A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons. But for many couples, it’s just not enough to...

“Eagles are believed to mate for life, although biologists have observed that they stay mated only as long as they are a successful reproductive pair. Biologists think that the reproductive process between eagles is such a difficult process that many do not...

I only realized it was Valentine’s Day when I turned on the television to watch the winter Olympics. I immediately turned to Hannah and said “Happy Valentine’s Day, I love you.” She replied in kind. She seemed equally surprised to discover it was...

I’m starting this first blog entry very close to the 27th anniversary of my first marriage—which lasted seven years. Although my first wife and I were good friends and we loved each other, we didn’t know how to be healthy and happy as a married couple. One...