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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I need to vent…

Ok so I haven’t done this in a long time but today I feel I need to just write it all down and vent a little. So if you read on you can’t say you weren’t warned!!

Today I had my yearly physical at my OBGYN and all you ladies know how fun that is all by itself, but I woke up sad this morning and was crying before I even made it to his office. I never know what brings on the sadness but it still comes all the same. I waited an hour just to get in then I followed the normal routine you do when you go to that appointment. The appointment went well, although while going through my medical history he started listing my children and their ages. When he got to Gabriel he said “and he just turned two, right?” I said well he would’ve but he passed away last July. I could tell he immediately was wondering why and was surprised. He asked what happened then and I started to cry before I could even tell him. Then we went over what happened or the lack of what happened and the end result of losing our baby. He was very sympathetic, caring and understanding of what I am dealing with. He asked if we were thinking about having another baby or not and although I think about it almost daily we can’t decide if having another baby would be for the right reasons or not since we already made the decision that Gabe was our last. The last thing we’d ever want to do would be to have a baby for the wrong reasons, he agreed with our assessment. He related it to getting into a serious relationship while on the rebound. It’s scary and you’ll never really know if your experiencing certain feelings genuinely or not.

I feel so bad that today is a beautiful day and yet I feel like it’s pouring inside my heart. I even went window shopping by myself and tried to enjoy being outside and it’s just not helping. I just miss my Gabriel today. I’m always thinking about what he’d be doing if he were here and how our life would be different with his presence in our home daily. I can’t even put my finger on what is making me so sad today I just am….. There is definitely no rhyme or reason to grief and I HATE IT!! Why does it have to be so hard and last so long and why, why, why, why?????

6 comments:

It's OK to be sad even on sunny days. you have a right. it's only been 8 months, cut yourself some slack. Go with the flow and just feel. Anyone who tells you different is full of Crap. Tell them to come talk to me. You are doing great. I love you, and I'm still missing Gabie, I can't imagen what your feeling. Remember Gabe loves his mom and Heavenly Father love's his daughter. Together with their help you'll get through this.

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry for the hard day! The grief is hard enough, but it's even harder when it strikes in unexpected times! Remember that grief is not a sign of weakness, and that it's okay to cry. You might have read this on the angel blog-I'm not sure if I posted it before you joined, but I want to share a little analogy a friend who had lost her son shared with me the week I lost Caydin. At first, the pain is like a mountain on your chest-it's crushing and you almost can't breath. As time goes, this mountain gets worn away until finally it is a smooth, polished rock you can carry with you. It hasn't been that long for you, and your mountain is still getting worn down, but it is still not a polished rock yet. Be patient with yourself, and know it's okay when you struggle! I wish I could give you a hug!Love,Diana