Thanks Betch

Pretty Little Liars Recap: Ding Dong IDC That Ali’s Mom’s Dead

I’ve come to one conclusion and one conclusion only and it’s that all of these stupid bitches' problems would be solved if they called the cops every time something bad happened. But instead they lie to everyone they know and subsequently stare at one another as if they all have exploding pimples on their foreheads and feel awk bringing it up.

Let’s take a look at some key scenarios:

Ali’s mom is inexplicably missing. Calling the cops? Ew. Let’s ask Hanna’s mom, hacker extraordinaire, to hack into her email account out to find out where she is because that will definitely get us answers much sooner.

Some person/ group of hooded individuals continuously sends you threatening texts throughout your high school years. Call the cops? FUCK THAT. Let’s just run away, pretend you’re dead, find a stunt double to actually kill a cop, don’t ever tell your friends what’s ever going on despite the fact that same person is threatening their lives as well but instead just pay them mysterious visits when they’re semi unconscious, and then come back from the dead, lie about it some more, and wear fugly patched denim while adopting a dog. Omg yes perfect plan.

Even though that same person who has been threatening to kill you for all this time, has come face to face with you SEVERAL TIMES and has never actually hurt you — Like they've trapped you in various closets with your friends and creepy dolls but you still have all your limbs and makeup in tact. Call the cops now that you realize it’s not a serious threat? NUH UH NEVER. Let’s just put on more makeup and like, never go to college! Hehe.

Call Outs

Alison's dad who we didn’t even know existed didn’t look that surprised to see she’s alive. He reacted as if like she came back from a really long summer at fat camp. Oh Ali it’s so good to see you! Here’s a ‘before’ picture of you.

Shit people don’t say: “Don’t expect any souvenirs because all she brought back was attitude” – Veronica Hastings “Oh please I'd rather stick a knife in the toaster!” Veronica Hastings “Who’s the fiddler on my freakin roof!?” – Aria “The door’s made of wood not plutonium” – Mike, the HS freshman

“The truth will bury you in a New York minute” Mona's just trying to show off her knowledge of Mary Kate and Ashley movies

Is no one like, whose fucking dog is this?

GET A ROOM!

That’s just the kind of google search you want showing up on your computer when you’re wanted for murder Aria: “dead girl georgia theater new york city.”

Furthermore… Aria: I KILLED HER I KILLED HER!! … you should maybe not say things like that out loud when you have a very long history of people spying on you.

Emily’s so pathetic with her big lesbian crush on Alison. GET OVER IT. Go swim it off or put on another flannel.

Pepe? Is that really the name of this poor fucking dog?

Emily: We’ve been framed as pathological liars ever since you got hit in the head with that rock.” WHAT DO YOU MEAN. YOU ARE PATHOLOGICAL LIARS.

RIP Mrs. DiLaurentis even though no one seems to actually give a shit, except maybe Pepe.

LOL Moments

Emily: Alison stop! You can’t go back on that bus. You’re not poor.

Hanna’s mom: And now you feel safe?Hanna: (looks at bread) Yes.

PLL with their super powerful PSAs … “Maybe Jason's brain is so dead from drugs he can’t shed a tear!”

Spencer’s Mom: Why would you keep it a secret for over a month that Alison was alive?Spencer: Because I pinky swore!

Ali got a message at the police station. That’s why she lied. The message was from Verizon, it said she was over her data this month.

Emily: We should’ve looked to see what Jason was throwing out! It was 16 Handles! That bastard went without us!

Ughh Toadys back with even MORE hair. “Spence, what’s wrong? Is this about Alison? Is this about Melissa? Is this because I texted you a dick pic while I was away.”

Aria: Remember when we used to hang out here when our biggest problem was how to eat peanut butter with braces and then how to keep the peanut butter away from Hanna?

Hanna: No you follow him, I have to change my underwear!! … At first I didn’t get she meant she was so scared she shit herself, thought that maybe she was really turned on by Jason’s sexy beanie.