Monday, August 13, 2007

Happy Anniversary, TTC!

Happy Anniversary to me and Husband. Today is Aug. 13 and marks 2 years that we have been TTC. Two years ago today I took my final BCP. Sigh. I never, ever dreamed that we would still be at this two years later with no sign or hope of a BFP and no baby. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain that we are moving to adoption, so I guess that this chapter of our life will be closing.

It's kind of a sad day. But kind of a transitional day too. Since we are moving to adoption, this day marks the beginning of the end for being without a baby of some sort. Maybe that's the way I should look at it. A door is closing. Our TTC door is closing, but the door that will lead to a baby is opening.

In some ways, I can't believe it's been two years. And out of those two years, I felt like most of it was spent waiting. We've had two real chances for a baby (IVF #1 and FET #1). Out of the 5 Clomid cycles, we may have had 2-3 chances of conceiving when I ovulated on the right, but it's doubtful given how distorted my right tube looked by Clomid cycle #5.

We're received some answers (UU, stage 4 endo) but are still left with a lot of questions. I've also experienced more pain--physical and emotional--than I've ever had. As I type this I feel my cyst twinge and my lower back ache slightly. I'm not sorry to put all that behind us. I'm sad that there is probably a good chance I won't have a biological child. If we do, there's a big chance I won't be the one to carry it. I've been thinking about it a lot today as I struggle always to figure out WHY this is happening to us. I thought a lot about adoption over the weekend. Can we do international adoption? How do I feel about Korea? How do I feel about Vietnam? How do I feel about travelling? Spending $30k? And these are just my feelings b/c Husband and I haven't even talked about it yet, and I don't know if he even wants to go the international route...I know he would for China, but that's kind of off the table for baby #1 since the wait is so long.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. As usual, I'm trying to come to terms with our reality, our situation and figure out WHY this is happening to us. And maybe, just maybe I have a small inkling. At least something I can embrace When I was younger, I wanted an exciting life. I wanted a life less ordinary. I thought that would manifest in a certain lifestyle (wealth? fame?) but I've never wanted to be like everyone else. And I'm not. Husband and I are not. We know we are different from our friends and family. Usually we rue that b/c it's so obvious we don't fit in. So maybe, that's why. We are being called to do something different, to build our family in a different way b/c that's who we are. We can accept that sort of thing. We are strong enough. We aren't going to curl up in a little ball and give up. We'll do whatever it takes and blaze a trail. We know we are stronger than our friends. Maybe reproducing the old-fashioned way is too traditional for us. Maybe it's time I embraced our difference and ran with it.

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke up my own ass, but it makes me feel better, and there hasn't been a lot in this process that has made me feel that way.

In other news, Husband told me on Friday that he needs about a week or so to process the adoption stuff and figure out how he feels. I get the impression that we are going in that direction, but he needs to think about it. No problem. I can give him a few weeks to process. I'm just glad I have a timeframe.