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Movie Review: My Les Miserables Movie Rant – AAAAAAAAGGGHHH

Today on Elliot is Pissed: I have a cold so I’m in a bad mood so I’m talk about why I hate Les Miserables.

I’m gonna start this off by just saying that if you love this movie, GOOD FOR YOU! I don’t care!

Okay now with that out of the way, I can delve into the depths on my torturous experience of having to sit through a true cinematic insult that forever burned my eyes and shredded my eardrums. The movie version of Les Miserables, directed by Tom Hooper, is probably the worst experience I’ve ever had in a movie going experience. There are very few times where I’ve been this annoyed by a movie. Ranging from the vast amount of stupid wide shots, to the constantly uninteresting complaint-driven stories of random people that culminates in one of the least interesting parts of the French Revolution, and we’re left with one disgusting dumpster pile of movie.

It’s a movie that just has no sense of direction, tossing around too many characters where only 3 are given proper introductions, and the rest just appear and the movie says, “TA-DA! Characters! Love them!” Eddie Redmayne sings with about as much musical bravado as a stale crouton, but that’s beside the point. The lead in this movie is Hugh Jackman who I guess tries to make his performance worth something. He’s an overall decent singer and a fantastic actor in other films, but here he’s forced to overact every scene he’s in to the point where I felt like he was trying to squeeze his face so hard it would collapse on itself. Meanwhile Anne Hathaway shows up, complains about life, sings a long song about how she doesn’t want to complain about life, but complains about life so much that she dies. The Russel Crowe, my valiant hero, tries to capture Hugh Jackman for being a jerk and here we have our movie. Kind of.

Hugh Jackman decides to rescue Anne Hathaway’s daughter from two annoying robbers who just keep showing up in this movie, I think just to personally spite me. Like they disappear, I’m in the theater thinking, “thank god we’re rid of those idi-” PSYCHE THEY’RE BACK.

Meanwhile Eddie Redmayne keeps pretending he knows how to sing.

There’s a whole side story called, “Eddie Redmayne and friends: The Valiant Attempt at Relevancy” where they plan to overthrow the French Monarchy. Like that’ll work. And Eddie Redmayne is still “singing.”

I mean no one is really singing. It’s more like they’re taaaallkiiiiing with very annoooooooying tonal shifts, but if that’s singing, then The Room wins Best Picture.

A lot of people think I’m just hating on the movie since I haven’t actually seen the Broadway musical, and yes you’re right. But after having seen this film, there’s absolutely NO DESIRE AT ALL for me to ever want to watch or listen to ANYTHING that has to do with this musical or story. Let’s ignore the horrible cinematic choices Tom Hooper does with fake looking sets, poor casting choices, and hideous closeup camera shots. Let’s just think about the core of this story. It’s a bunch of random people complaining about their terrible lives, in a terrible time, with nothing but terrible circumstances and results. I mean they lose the battle in the end! Then Russel Crowe has some random life revelation where he realizes criminal acts aren’t always acts of evil, and decides he must die. Everyone loses! And then Hugh Jackman just tells his adopted daughter that he has to go away. The he sits in a random chair in a church, looking like he’s aged 50 years in the span of about a day, and then dies. The end.

I’m seriously at a loss for words at times when I think about this movie. I came home fuming from it, and explained my anger of it to my mom and sister. The result? They went to see it, stormed into my room while I was sleeping, and yelled at me for having the audacity to dislike it.

I like musicals, but not this one. If you do, good for you. Hey if you think Les Miserables is the masterpiece of cinematic achievement that will go down in history as the next Citizen Kane, go for it. I’ll keep my lookout for something better.