The Great Internet Marketing Guru takes a few questions and concerns from his clients.

Let’s listen in:

“My internet ad campaign was a total wash. I ended up taking a bath and nobody even visited my site!”

“Did you put boobs all over it like I told you to?”

“No, I thought that was too superficial and sensationalistic.”

“And that would be why you failed. You forgot your audience is nothing but superficial and craves sensationalism.”

“So what do I now?”

“Take a picture of your penis and put it on Craigslist.”

“Okay … but what is that gonna help?”

“Nothing. I just want you to relive the shame of former roommates of mine.”

***

“I saw this ad making a claim I shouldn’t buy a product. Should I believe it?”

“Of course! Ads were created to tell you what not to buy, not what to buy. So when an ad tells you to buy something, you know it’s fake because they are trying to advertise to you. But when an ad tells you not to buy something, you know it’s real because they are not advertising to you.”

“Wait … what?”

***

“So I got all these people reading my blog about tech and travel but I want to use my blog audience to expand my business promotions as well. How can I retool my blog without loosing readers?”

“It’s easy: Dramatically announce you will be leaving the blog, probably the whole Internet, forever. Send that out and then wait a few days, then come back with some false tale of woe and then start selling hub caps and spark plugs off your blog-doohickey.”

“That really works?”

“Oh yeah, totally! People usually use it to switch from catatonic to mildly psychotic instead of non-monetized to monetized, but all blogging is pretty much the same thing.”

***

“I was thinking of opening up a singles dating service online and…”

“Get the hell out of my office.”

***

“I heard that Twitter was the new tool for marketing professionals with the hottest and latest ideas.”

“Who told you that?”

“That guy in the rabbit suit trying to give out fliers.”

***

“Someone told me you could market products on Facebook more effectively than using banner services.”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘market.’ If by that you mean annoy people and be ignored, then yes it is very effective.”

***

“I bought up all my domain names and registered on every social network that exists. Is there anything else I should do before I set out to rule the digital landscape?”

“Yes. Hire a mafia. You are late to the game, the only way you’ll get any traction now is to break kneecaps and go gangsta on Google.”

***

Thus concludes another session of ultimate wisdom from The Great Internet Marketing Guru.

On Thursday December 17, 2009, Richard Cheney, of McLean, VA was placed under arrest at the Halliburton Hunting Area after being observed discharging a rifle directly at another individual, victim Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). The perp claims he was hunting for caged quail. These actions on behalf of Cheney served no legitimate purpose and caused harm to an unarmed citizen.

On the above time and date, I was on uniformed duty in an unmarked police cruiser assigned to the Administration Section, working from 7:00-3:00 AM. I overheard a broadcast for a possible shooting and due to my proximity, responded.

When I arrived, I observed a portly man in a red suit with a thick white beard laying on the ground holding the side of his face with his hands. He said, “oh, oh, oh.” I observed Cheney standing in the distance holding what appeared to be a shotgun close to his body. I ordered him to drop the weapon and proceeded to place him in handcuffs for everyone’s safety. During this time, I observed reindeer tied to a sled attempting to hurt Cheney as he sneered and made faces at them. For his own safety I placed Cheney in my cruiser.

After requesting ambulance service for the victim, I began questioning the reindeer as to what happened. Blitzen appeared to take the initiative in explaining the situation. He said that Claus had taken the reindeer out for a test run before the holidays, and while passing through the area doing a low flying maneuver, they heard gunshots, and the sleigh-driver (Claus) was hit. When asked if they heard any warnings before the shots, Rudolph said that he had been “lighting the slay tonight” and was clearly visible. He said that before the shots he heard Cheney clearly yell, “Hey that’s a human, shoot him.”

I attempted to question Cheney about the attack, but he refused to answer any questions about someone named “Valerie Plame,” appearing confused and defiant. After a brief consultation with Sgt. Clymer, I transported Cheney to Redwood Police Station in a police cruiser where he was booked and processed by Off. C. Sheehan.

Like this:

The Radio Comedian Rush Limbaugh is best understood as a real-life version of the character Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies.

Plotting and scheming in some ceramic bunker with his inner-circle of minions, his many Snurgly clones of course, gathered round to hear his daily machinations delivered via flashy jumpsuit!

In The Comedian’s case the issue is just to constantly stay in the news and stay relevant to someone, somewhere.

A lot of people seem to think we need an Anti-Limbaugh, or an Austin Powers, to appear and vanquish this foe. I think that Dr. Evil’s Empire falls apart when people start catching on to his game.

It’s all a house of cards of his own making. His own minions would throw him away if he ever had a level-headed view of anything to do with President Obama. The jackals would consume their master in a heartbeat if he stepped off his “ordained path” even in the slightest.

So Dr. Evil plays his game and works his magic, but when people can see the same of tired bag of tricks again and again they tend to catch on.