I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
- Chris Rock
“As a family we couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated,
so in the end we decided to let her live.”-Gary Delaney
I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I
look!-Will Ferell
“I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have
to run a little.”– Bill Murray
“My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut
shop.”–Bill Murray

I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.-
Will Ferell
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-Douglas Adams
“I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.”– Bill Murray
Off to Azerbaijan!- Eddie Izzard
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I
start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel
better already. -Dave Barry
Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.-Robin Williams
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much. -Oscar
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Funny Quotes