Dear Emuna: Joining Israel’s Army

Help! My son wants to enlist in the Israel Defense Forces.

We are Americans but we have imbued our children with a strong love of Israel. Now our 17-year-old son says that he wants to join the Israeli army after his high school graduation. We are simultaneously proud of him – and terrified. We could probably prevent it – through financial and other pressures – but then he will be very unhappy and resentful. We are so torn. Any advice?

Proud and Frightened

Dear Proud and Frightened,

My older son served in the IDF so I may not be completely objective in my response. I certainly am able to understand your fears and concerns. I think the general principle is that we want to give our children the freedom and means wherever possible to follow their goals and dreams.

In this case, in fact, your son’s goal is actually consistent with yours since you raised your children to love the land of Israel.

The only thing holding you back is fear. Fear is never a good guideline when it comes to making important decisions. If you are afraid of sky diving, you don’t need to conquer that fear. You can live a meaningful life and never jump from a plane. But it you are afraid of commitment and vulnerability, you will live a lonely, empty life. That is a fear you need to move past.

If you don’t let your son follow his dreams, the real risk is not only that he will resent you the rest of his life but that he will live an unfulfilled life as a result. If you force him into other less desirable choices, you risk that he will always be unhappy, always pursuing what you chose and not what he wanted, always wondering what if or pondering if only…this is true for all parents who compel their children to sacrifice their dreams to their parents’ vision.

And, again, in terms of the fear. Not only should it not be the deciding factor but we have to remember that the Almighty runs the world.

Life has risk – whether we are driving in a car (probably the most dangerous activity of all), walking across the street, or even, unfortunately, running the Boston Marathon.

Converting to Judaism

Dear Emuna,

I'm a 17 year old trying to convert to Orthodox Judaism. I'm studying and slowly adjusting, but I feel like I'm out of my league. Do you have any suggestions (book recommendations, thoughts, feelings) that might help me?

Seeking Advice

Dear Advice Seeker,

That is a big move, requiring a large amount of courage and determination. Good for you! If you haven’t already, you should contact the orthodox rabbinical council in your city so that they can direct your conversion process. While there are so many fantastic books in English these days that it’s impossible to know where to begin (although I feel compelled to make a plug for my husband’s book, The Bible for the Clueless but Curious and of course you’ve already discovered Aish.com!), the most important suggestion I have is to get yourself a teacher (I assume the rabbinic council will recommend someone).

It shouldn’t just be a person who can explain the text to you, but rather someone you can observe, someone whose actions will teach you (louder than words as they say) what it’s like to be a Torah-observant Jew.

How does she dress? How does she speak – tone, language, sensitivity? What is it like to have conversations that don’t involve gossip? How does keeping kosher work in a real kitchen? (What are her best recipes?) What is an authentic Shabbos experience like? How does the food stay warm? How do you keep the kids involved? What is discussed at the table? What’s her daily prayer commitment? And on and on and on…

We have a mitzvah to serve a wise man, a Torah scholar. It’s not just out of respect but because that’s the best way to learn who and what we want to be. No book or website can even come close to replicating this experience.

This is a very exciting path you have chosen. I’m sure there will be challenges along the way and also great reward. There will be moments of loneliness as you leave your past behind and moments of joy as you are enveloped in the warmth of a new community. There will be moments of discouragement when you realize how much there is to learn and moments of excitement when you master a new concept. It is a thrilling, moving journey and I wish you much luck and help from Heaven as you embark on this new way.

Boston: Protecting Our Kids

Dear Emuna,

Between Sandy Hook and the Boston Marathon, I just want to curl up in a little ball and hide. But mostly I want to protect my children. How can I do that?

Frightened Mom

Dear Frightened Mom,

Two words: You can’t. I’m not sure whether you’re referring to shielding your children from bad news or protecting them from physical harm. But either way the answer is the same: You can’t.

In both cases, all you can do is take reasonable precautions – and then pray, recognizing that all outcomes are in the Almighty’s hands.

I certainly don’t think we should sit our children (or ourselves) down in front of the evening news’ parade of murders, rapes and fires. But I don’t believe we can really prevent them from hearing the big stories. Even if we don’t have a television. Or internet. Or a radio…

There is always someone in the school yard who spills the beans. There is a cover story in a magazine at the grocery check-out counter. There is a television on in the background at the local sushi restaurant or at the mall when you are buying them new shoes. We can’t keep out the news and we need to be prepared to give our children answers and information in a reasonable and down-to-earth manner. If we aren’t hysterical, they won’t be either. But if we are…

And if we model trust in the Almighty, they will learn this as well.

As for keeping them from physical harm, as I told the mother whose son wants to enlist in the IDF, life has risks. There are reasonable risks accepted by all – driving, flying, going to work in tall office buildings and running in a city-wide marathon. To shield your child from all of life’s risks is not possible. Nor desirable. To try to shield him from most of life’s risks would probably destroy him.

Terrorist attacks shatter our illusions of control. But illusions are all they ever were. Let your children lead “normal,” healthy lives and pray to the Almighty, the only and ultimate Protector, to keep them safe.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 14

When I was 15 years old, someone tried to kill me by falling asleep behind the wheel of her car on the Cross Bronx Expwy. Later, she lied in court. She did not have any car insurance.

(12)
Dovid R,
April 25, 2013 12:47 PM

There are other factors besides danger

Although I agree with the the author that fear should not be a determining factor in such a decision, there are many other factors to consider before allowing your son to conscript. A 17-year-old may just be on a temporary high, or may just feel it's "macho" to join an army and brandish a machine gun. Your son might be impetuously committing two years of his life with little thought to his long-term plans. I would talk to him very seriously about why he feels this is what he wants to do with his next few years. Does his desire stem from sincere commitment or more superficial reasons such as peer pressure?

Another very serious issue to consider is the type of environment he will find himself in. Although the IDF is nominally kosher and maintains high ethical standards, depending on the unit your son will serve in and who his buddies will be, Israeli army life may actually be very detrimental to his religious life. Whatever your ultimate decision will be, you will want to research very seriously exactly what your son is committing himself to.

Otherwise, good luck in your decision! Parenting is never simple.

(11)
yojewmama,
April 25, 2013 8:47 AM

great responses to sincere issues

Thoughtful, heartfelt, thanks for your answers to these questions.

PS we live in Israel and my son goes into the army in July. I'm also proud and frightened. It's natural. And dear US momma (wish you were HERE, please come!) so many, many mothers and fathers pray every single day for every single soldier. <3

(10)
Savta,
April 24, 2013 11:12 PM

Proud of Him

I'm proud of your son for wanting to join the IDF. May he be matzliach in all his endeavors. Imagine how mothers in the USA felt when their sons were drafted into the US Military? If you're worried about his safety just remember that Hashem controls the world. On Rosh Hashanah it is determined who will live, who will die and the way it will happen. It's in the Uneh Saneh Tokef prayer we recite on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. If something is meant to happen it will happen no matter where we are or when. Be proud of your son for wanting to serve and protect Israel. May Hashem protect us all.

(9)
Anonymous,
April 24, 2013 10:15 PM

Not All ARE Soldiers

Not everyone can be a soldier. I believe a parents duty is to explain what it means -the risks and rewards. My war was Vietnam. My father, of blessed memory, asked me"Are they bothering you." Here, to a Zionist, they are bothering you .I can see the young man's concern. I can also see the point of young Jews who do not wish to serve in the army and do other actions in support of Israel.

(8)
Andy,
April 24, 2013 8:06 PM

while not without some risk there little reason to fear by joining the IDF

While there is a risk to life and limb, it is relatively minor. Statistics will show that enlisting in the IDF is a relatively safe move. While there is always the possibility of a major war, and it's normal parents will worry the overwhelming odds are for his safe return to civilian life, and he will likely be more mature and benefit from the experience. That was the case with my son .In addition the parents believe in the cause so it seems to me in normal circumstances preventing him from enlisting would do more harm then good.May G-d bless and protect him.

(7)
Ted,
April 24, 2013 12:49 PM

Let him go

I am a veteran of 20 years in the United States Marine Corps and my oldest son who will Bar Mitzvah in a couple weeks already has a strong desire to serve in the IDF. His mother of course objects for the same reasons you do. But he is very wise at 13 and told her that he would rather die fighting for Israel, something he believes in than to be sent somewhere like Afghanistan serving the United States to help and defend people he doesn't care about. Not meaning the People of the United States but people in Countries who don't want us there nor deserve our help. Israel doesn't start wars with other Nations but only seeks to Defend her right to exist and there is a huge difference. Don't object, Love him and Support Him in his decision, he is obviously a very courageous young man and you have obviously instilled good values in him. Put it in perspective there were almost as many people murdered in the city of Chicago last year than Israeli's killed in conflict with the Palestinians since 2000.

(6)
Anonymous,
April 23, 2013 8:49 PM

son in army

Some years ago our son made aliyah and joined the IDF, which we totally supported. Unfortunately, due to my son's health condition he could not get into combat. He did, however, work on the Gaza border area as a health inspector, and was checking IDF camps right where the action was happening. We are a Zionist family and knew that no matter what, helping Israel is a personal reality in our family.

(5)
Sandra,
April 23, 2013 8:20 PM

Let him do it

Let him follow his dream. He has used his heart to make this decision.
My older son served in the IDF and now studying in Israel and my youngest is serving now. It is hard for me but I am so proud of them and they know it.

(4)
Deborah Bach,
April 23, 2013 7:41 PM

support

I especially want to suggest to the mom whose son wants to enlist in the IDF to find a support group of at least one other mom whose been through the same experience. There certainly can be moments of great stress, but for the most part, it's an amazing growing experience and not so different from an extended summer camp. Good luck and may God watch over all of us.

(3)
Gil,
April 23, 2013 3:12 PM

Join the IDF

I grew up in NY and enlisted in the IDF and served 1975-1977, and again in the reserves in 1989. I was lost and now I'm found-no better place for a Jewish kid to mature.I'm 57 and maintain an unbreakable bond with Israel and our people.

(2)
Jossef,
April 23, 2013 3:05 PM

Dissapointed

I am dissapointed with Ms. Braverman response to the woman whose son wants to enlist in the IDF; to me this sounds as a typical American feel good answer that avoids calling it like it is. The questioner is an American Jewish woman who raised her son to love Israel, great! However, she is now fearfull to let him enlist in the IDF. My question to this woman would be: how can you love something or someone without being willing to defend it? If your son gets married and love his wife, would not you expect him to defend her? Israel is the Jewish homeland; why should only Israeli mothers be forced to let their sons serve in the IDF?

(1)
Anonymous,
April 23, 2013 2:35 PM

Regarding the son who wants to enlist

I have a suggestion: compromise. Let him enlist, but specify that since this is so terrifying for you, he won't be kravi (a front line soldier).

Shoshana-Dvora,
April 23, 2013 10:06 PM

serve in the IDF

This isn't a real compromise. If he enlists, he probably won't have the option of delining to be a kravi. evn in the US Army, you can usually chooseyour job, but they always told us that even typists and cooks are first of all riflemen. But then due to terrorism, we are all potential front line soldiers of sorts. I am proud of his choice!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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