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Dear Future Brides

Friday, September 25, 2015

**This is a post written by Meagan Brandt, a good friend of mine.

Dear
Future Brides,

We
are all know how important weddings are to the bride and are arguably the most
important day to date of her young life. Every bride talks about how magical
she wants her special day to be, but let’s be honest with ourselves, shall we?
Weddings are a bitch. There’s no tip toeing around it. They are stressful and
irritating, time consuming and expensive. As a recent bride, I’ve experienced
all the joys and pains of wedding planning. I’m thrilled that it happened, but
I’m also thrilled that it’s over. Going forward, I can enjoy the fact that Ben
and I are married and had an incredible wedding day to kickoff our new life
together. Now that the dust has settled, I’ve had some time to reflect on my big
day and have realized some hard wedding realities that I believe every future
bride should know.

Choosing
Your Bridal Party

One
of the first things most brides do is to select their bridal party. This can be
a fun but stressful exercise in true friendship. You will find out who is really
there for you and… who’s not. Enjoy the process but choose wisely!

·Maid of Honor: Other than you, your MOH is your
queen bitch. It’s her duty to keep everyone in line, plan your bachelorette
party, and keep you calm on your wedding day. She will be your anchor and your
lifeline. Don’t let family politics or friend drama make your decision for you.
You want to make sure your maid of honor has a cool head and knows you inside
and out. Mine was my little sister. She was a rockstar on my wedding day and
never faltered. Not once. Make sure your maid of honor is the queen bitch you
would trust with your life.

·Bridesmaids: In the past, bridesmaids were
called “attendants” because that’s exactly what they did- “attend the bride”.
That doesn’t mean they are a gaggle of girl slaves to do your bidding, but weeeellllllll……
Make sure you select girls that will put you first on your big day. Girls that
will rise to the occasion and do everything in their power to ensure your
wedding day goes smoothly. Girls that won’t cause drama, demand attention, or
bring negativity to your bridal party. They don’t all have to like each other,
but they all need to be bonded by their mutual love for you. It sounds
self-centered, I know, but it’s your day, and they need to understand that. Don’t
be afraid to have a smaller bridal party of quality girls who are there for you, over a large conglomeration of
divas who want their five minutes in the sun.

·Being in the bridal party is expensive and time
consuming. Many bridesmaids focus on their elevated status in the bridal party,
rather than on the duty they are there to perform. And believe me, it’s a duty!
I’ve been a bridesmaid several times, and while it is a huge honor, I was
selected for a reason- to get shit done. It’s also expensive. Be sensitive to
these costs and make reasonable choices. Give plenty of notice so your ladies
can budget accordingly. Most bridesmaids have to pay for their own dresses,
hair, makeup, and shoes. Your bridesmaids are subjected to outfits they would
rather not wear in public, and forced to wear hairstyles they would never have
chosen for themselves. That’s all part of the deal. Make sure your ladies are
ready and able to take on both the responsibility and financial requirements of
being a bridesmaid. You are rewarding them with the honor of being a part of
your day. Believe me, they can get their revenge when it’s their turn to ask
you to be one of their bridesmaids!

·There will be ladies whose feelings are hurt
that they were not selected to be a part of the bridal party. If this happens,
there are ways you can smooth those ruffled feathers. One idea is to appoint
some ladies as event coordinators for the day, or the guest book attendant.
These roles also come with a great deal of honor, provide the girls with a
purpose in your wedding, and are essential functions for your reception.

Choosing
Your Venue

More
and more brides are seeking a unique venue to host their wedding. While hotel
ballrooms and country clubs are a classic, turnkey choice, there are a variety
of other venues that can make your day spectacular.

·My favorite venue would be the Victorian Era bed
and breakfast. Ben and I were married in a turn of the century mansion that had
been converted to a bed and breakfast. The ambiance was incredible and very
romantic!

·A few of my friends have recently gotten married
in old barns that have been converted to event centers. This venue allows for a
casual, rustic flair that was cost effective and unique.

·While they can be expensive, many museums and
historic sites are now offering wedding packages. Imagine getting married next
to a piece of American History or a pre-historic T-Rex skeleton!

·Keep in mind, if you choose a location outside
of the standard wedding venues, they may not have an in-house caterer or
alcohol supplier. You may need to do a bit more leg work to coordinate your
vendors, but in the end, it’s definitely worth it! If the budget allows, hire a
professional wedding coordinator to do it for you!

Paint
Outside the Lines

Some
of the best advice I received while planning my wedding, was to stop worrying
about tradition. If something felt right to Ben and I, then I should go with
it. As a result, I was able to map out a wedding that was unique to our style.

·Consider having a first reveal photo shoot. Traditionally,
photos of the bride/groom and wedding party are taken immediately following the
ceremony. Guests are shuffled to a cocktail reception for a few hours to kill
time until dinner. Meanwhile, the bride and groom are scrambling to get as many
photos as possible, without the opportunity to enjoy the fact that they just
got married. With a first reveal shoot, photos begin as soon as the bride and
groom are ready, usually a few hours before the ceremony. Ben and I had a
private moment where we could see each other in our wedding regalia. The
photographers captured those moments perfectly and it helped relieve a lot of
my nerves before the ceremony. We then completed all of our couple, group, and
family photographs well in advance and at our leisure. With this out of the
way, we were able to enjoy our entire wedding from start to finish. The only
shots the photographers took after the ceremony were candid ones.

·Take a few moments to sneak away with your
groom. Weddings, no matter how big or small, can be overwhelming. Ben and I
snuck away several times to talk, dance quietly in a dark corner, or stand in
front of the AC unit to cool off. We were able to absorb and enjoy the fact
that we just joined our lives together.

·Don’t go on your honeymoon right after the
wedding! Take a “mini-moon” instead. This was advice given to us by our friends
who said that the first three days of their honeymoon was spent unraveling
their stress from the wedding. By the time they were able to relax and enjoy
their vacation, they had to come back home. Ben and I spent an inexpensive
couple of days in Traverse City right after the wedding. It allowed us to
relax, enjoy the fact that the wedding was over, and mentally prepare us to
return to the real world. We will be taking our true honeymoon in a few months when
we can fully enjoy our time in Paris.

Weddings
are Expensive

Well…
duh! Short of buying a house, your wedding can be the single most expensive
endeavor you will pay for in your young life. It’s important to set a budget
and stick to it! Avoid taking loans or putting massive amounts on credit cards.
You don’t want to be stressing about how you’re going to pay off the wedding,
when you’re supposed to be enjoying it. In addition, there are some traps you
should definitely avoid falling into when watching that ever so important budget.

·While it’s nice to have a little something to
give your guests, don’t spend a ton of money on tchotchkes. Think back, how
many of those wedding take-aways do you still have today? Chances are guests
will feel the same way about yours. Consider something practical like wine
stoppers or candy. Websites like Nice Price Favors offer little gifts that
guests will actually use and won’t break the bank.

·Don’t go crazy on personalizing items for the
wedding. You can spend a lot of money very quickly to get a cute monogram on
your cocktail napkins but think about it, nobody saves a napkin as a keepsake.

·Flowers are pretty but aren’t essential. You can
spend thousands on floral centerpieces that no one will remember. Consider
single bud vases or candle arrangements instead. Your wallet will thank you.

·When choosing your reception menu, don’t be
afraid to limit the options. Often, brides will offer a variety of culinary
choices in hopes of satisfying everyone’s pallet and dietary needs. Venues know
this and will exploit it for every penny they can. The more options you have,
the more expensive the cost per person. Choose two options- a red and a white
meat, and then let guests know that special dietary needs are available by
request. Most caterers will allow for a vegetarian or allergy free meal on an
as-needed basis. Wait until guests request special needs, and go from there. You’ll
save yourself a bunch of money and your guests will still eat happy.

·Careful going all out on a wedding cake.
Remember- you will be eating this cake and at some point, shoving globs of
frosting goodness all over your husband’s face. Extravagant cakes can cost
upwards of $1000. Don’t do it! You can have a fabulous cake for a fraction of
the price if you are practical. For our cake, we asked our florist to reserve
some flowers and make a small floral cake topper. This cost us a less than $50.
Then we had our baker whip together some pearlized rose gold frosting, decorate
with the flowers, and voila! a stunning cake that tasted amazing and didn’t
bust the budget. Fancy colored frosting and a few flowers can feel expensive
while being very cost effective.

·Every bride wants to look stunning on her
wedding day, and she deserves to! However, you don’t need to buy a couture or designer gown from an expensive
boutique. Spending thousands of dollars on a dress you’ll wear one time is an
easy way to spend too much . Frankly, most guests won’t know the difference
between designer and box store. Bridal shops like David’s Bridal offer stunning
dresses and you won’t cross the $1000 barrier. Make sure you love your dress,
but remember that looking beautiful on your wedding day is more about the joy
in your eyes and the smile you radiate, than the price tag on your gown.

Don’t
Be Afraid to have a DIY Wedding

You
can save a ton of money if you are bold enough to create some of the details
yourself. Better yet, it adds a personal touch that propels your wedding from cookie
cutter to memorable.

·Centerpieces are one of the easiest ways to DIY.
Consider buying inexpensive vases from a dollar shop and spruce them up with
jeweled decals from a craft store. My mom and I made our centerpieces for next
to no money, but people raved about how stunning they were. We even have a list
of folks who want to borrow them for their future weddings! You don’t need to
spend tons of money on flowers to have great centerpieces!

·Create your own wedding programs and dinner
menus using Microsoft Word or Publisher. Then take them to a printer and have
them professionally printed on nice card stock for cheap! You can spend hundreds
using online printing tools or a graphic designer and while these look nice,
nobody other than the bride and her family will be saving them. If you don’t
have a creative flair, download a template online and go to town using your
personal computer. The best part, no one will know you didn’t have these professionally
designed!

Don’t
Cut Corners on the Essentials

While
there are many ways to save a lot of money for your wedding, there are a few
areas you absolutely don’t want to skimp on.

·The DJ: Nothing is worse than a poor music
selection. Make sure you work with your DJ well in advance to have a hopping
playlist. The more people dance at your wedding, the more memorable it will be.
Music during dinner is also an added bonus. Make sure your playlist has a
healthy mix of modern and classic dance tunes so every guest has something to
rock out to. Don’t fall into the trap of having too many party anthems and not
a lot of slow songs. You and your guests will appreciate the occasional
romantic hymn to cool down to- not to mention it gives you some added smooching
time with your new hubby.

·The Photographer: You want to remember your day
for the rest of your life and beautifully taken photos are the best way to do
it. Hiring a cheap photographer will yield cheap photos. Take the time to
research their websites and ask for samples of weddings they have done before.
If you do want to save money, you don’t have to buy their wedding albums or a
ton of prints. Most quality photographers will offer you the option of a flash
drive with your top photos that you can either print yourself or take to be
printed at a later date. A team of
photographers can be a great way to get lots of photos from a variety of angles
without you feeling like you are posing all day. Depending on the photographer,
it may not cost much more to have their assistant with them.

·The Invitations: I tried to be a fiscally
responsible bride and make my own invitations. Ultimately, I failed. It ended
up costing almost as much in ink and more in frustration. If you don’t want to
explode your budget on invites, consider a happy medium between DIY and
professional design. Wedding Paper Divas.com is a great way to pick from
thousands of templates in a variety of colors to make unique, personalized
invitations that will wow. I tried Wedding Paper Divas from a recommendation
from my neighbor. The invitations were stunning! I saved some money by ordering
only the invites and then adding them to fancy envelopes I ordered wholesale
from a printer. The end result was semi-DIY with a personal yet fabulous flair!

·The Bridal Party Gifts: Your bridal party has
spent some serious time and money to be a part of your day. Make sure you
reward them accordingly. Etsy can be a great website to get unique, high
quality gifts for these special people. I ordered real satin robes with my
bridesmaids’ initials, covered the cost of their jewelry, and even gave them
bottles of wine. Thoughtful gifts can go a long way to show how much you
appreciate your bridal party.

Some
Rookie Mistakes to Avoid

While
planning my wedding, I made several rookie mistakes that I wish I would have
been warned about in advance.

·Hiring family or friends to provide services to
the wedding can be a major headache. God bless our loved ones who offer to help
but arguably this can cause more problems than they’re worth. It’s harder to be
direct with those we care about. Plus, being picky with family can ultimately
make you look like a bridezilla. If you have a family member or friend you
trust to follow your instructions to a “T”, then go for it. Ben and I lucked
out with his uncle serving as our DJ but this is a rare scenario. Let your
loved ones know that you greatly appreciate their offer but would rather have
them enjoy themselves at the wedding, than work during it.

·Don’t try to make your own bouquets or elaborate
floral centerpieces. While DIY projects are a great way to save money, going
all out with floral arrangements (when you’re not a florist) can be disastrous.
We ordered our flowers from a wholesaler and when they arrived three days
before the wedding, were wilted and ruined. I had to scramble to find new
flowers. I could have saved a lot of heartache if I had opted out of the cheap
route.

·If you are planning a destination wedding, make
sure you have enough room blocks well in advance. Consider having two to three
hotel options blocked to suit everyone’s budget. Provide this information to
guests in your invitation. Nothing is more stressful to a bride a week before
the wedding than having guests call her to ask where they should stay.

·Make sure
to involve your family and friends in the planning. Getting their buy-in before
your special day is critical and will dramatically decrease your stress the day
of. Ben and I planned and paid for everything ourselves, but the day of the
wedding, it was up to our friends and family to make sure our plans went off
without a hitch. Unfortunately, they didn’t know our plans and had to
constantly check in with us, almost right until I had to walk down the aisle!
It was stressful for everyone involved, although we were able to have a good
laugh about it afterwards.

Bride
vs. Bridezilla

A
recent icon of modern weddings is the Bridezilla. Some brides wear this
designation as a badge of honor, while others avoid this stereotype like the
plague. Guests look down on bridezillas and the media pokes fun at them. The
truth of the matter is, there is a vast difference between a nervous bride and
a bridezilla. You won’t act like yourself, no matter what you say. Embrace it.
However, you can own the image you present on your wedding day by following a
few tips.

·You can be particular about the details, and
even picky. It’s your day. Dammit, it’s the most important day of your life so
far! Don’t be afraid to throw your weight around to get what you want, just
make sure you are humane about it. Wanting a perfect wedding, doesn’t make you a bridezilla by any stretch
of the imagination.

·If something isn’t the way you want it, say
something! We are so paranoid to be labeled a bridezilla that many brides stay
quiet and come to regret it later. It’s your day! I can’t emphasize that
enough. Thank goodness I had my sister to remind me of this fact. My
hairstylist originally did my hair in a way I didn’t love, but I was too afraid
to say anything. My sister whipped me into shape and told me to speak up. My
stylist wasn’t offended, in fact she was relieved, and did my hair in a way I did love. Remember to ask for what you
want but don’t demand it.

·Never call people names, make personal attacks,
or get violent. (I assume this last point is probably a no brainer for most
ladies but I’m from Detroit and girls can get pretty crazy there!) You can be
upset, you can get frustrated, but don’t take it out on the people who are
there to support you.

·It might be a good idea to prep your bridesmaids
and groom for a possible freak out. You have no idea how stressed you will be
until your big day actually arrives. No matter how calm you are normally, no
matter how much you have mentally prepared yourself, you will inevitably have a
moment… or two…. or three…. I prepped my ladies and future husband that I
wouldn’t be myself in the days leading up to the wedding. I asked them for
their patience and support, and promised I would apologize afterwards. This
conversation did wonders and they were all very understanding when I did
eventually morph into a schizophrenic witch lady.

Haters’
Gonna Hate

Every
bride I’ve ever spoken to has expressed frustration over the negative comments
people have made either during or after her wedding day. This is normal. It
happens. And it’s awful. But it will
happen, so be prepared.

·If your wedding is a destination wedding or
requires folks to stay overnight, you will have people complain about the cost
or the distance. All you can do is ensure you have a reasonable hotel block reserved
and clear directions to the venue. If you choose to get married in a location
far from your home base, expect that many people you would love to be at your
wedding, may not attend. Don’t assume it’s because they don’t care. They do.
But it may not be the right financial decision for them. For my wedding, our
guests had a 9 hour drive and I listened to folks complain for months about how
“inconvenient” my wedding was for them. Finally, I had enough. I shared that I
would love for them to attend, but if they couldn’t, I would understand. The
only required attendees were Ben, the minister, and I, and I would greatly
appreciate them not clouding my excitement by hearing them complain about my
special day. Gently remind guests that the day is about you and your husband. Where you choose to get married is your
business. They can keep their bitching to themselves.

·No matter how you behave on your wedding day,
there will be people who say you were a bridezilla or you were “FREAKING out,
man!”. They can go to hell. Seriously. While most aren’t being malicious, it
still hurts all the same. Most of the time, these people will be female,
unmarried, and future prospects of marriage a long way off. They have no
concept of the amount of planning that goes into a wedding, the emotions
invested in having it go off without a hitch, or the stress that occurs the day
of the wedding. They are clueless commentators and we can only feel sorry that
they will have to wait a while until they can have an amazing day like yours.

·Inevitably, there will be ladies who make
comments about what they will do differently during their wedding. They may
share what they didn’t like about yours and how theirs will be soooooo much less stressful. Good for
them. Please refer to the comment above.

Shit
Happens

Everyone
talks about how things will go wrong with the wedding and how they’re no big
deal… until they actually happen to you
on the day of your wedding. I don’t
have enough space to write about all the things that went wrong but the
highlights include: a groomsman’s tuxedo was sent to the wrong state, the
flowers were ruined days before the wedding, our wedding cake took a nose dive
halfway through dinner, three hair stylists cancelled on me, my mother in law
was admitted to the emergency room right before the rehearsal, I completely
forgot to have champagne ordered for a toast, I tripped walking up to the
altar, it was so hot my makeup started melting, and the list goes on and on…. Here
are some tips to weather the inevitable mishaps that will occur on your big
day.

·Everyone will tell you that no one will know if
something doesn’t go right- and that’s true. But let’s face it, you will know and sometimes that’s all
that matters. As you find things going wrong, ask yourself, will this ruin my
day, and I mean actually ruin my day?
If not, roll with the punches. My family kept making changes to reception seating,
and it drove me nuts! However, it turned out beautiful even if it wasn’t
exactly how I wanted it to be.

·If you need to freak out, do it. I’m normally a
pretty laid back person but the day of wedding, I turned into a whole new monster.
Trying to remain calm only made it worse, so I allowed myself some moments to
panic. These moments were private with just my sister and I huddled in a bathroom
with a bottle of moscato, but they definitely helped. There’s no shame in it.
Embrace the freak out!

·Even if there are mistakes made that guests will
notice, these mishaps only make your wedding more memorable. Truly! Our venue,
as wonderful as it was, forgot to put the beer on ice. It was a 94 degree day
and the beer was warm as urine. Our guests thought it was hilarious and began
putting their beer in glasses of ice. They joked that it was the civilized way
to enjoy a brewski. Folks will remember this negative aspect of our wedding in
a positive light!

·Mother Nature is a bitch. Pure and simple. I’ve
wanted an outdoor wedding since I was a little girl. The day of our wedding, we
had an epic thunderstorm. I prayed with every fiber of my bridal being for the
weather to clear and lo! it did. By the time of our ceremony, the sun was
shining brightly, the ground had dried, and birds were singing beautifully. The
only problem was it was now 94 degrees and 90% humidity. To make matters even
worse, the air conditioning in the reception hall died. Mother Nature must have
had a divorce at some point in her life, because she seems bound and determined
to mess with brides on their special day. Be prepared for her jealously! Have a
Plan B and if possible, a Plan C for inclement weather. For my wedding, we
ended up spending most of our time on the rooftop and on the patio. It ended up
being extremely romantic and memorable, and much better than being cramped
indoors for the reception.

·Just remember to find the humor in these
mishaps. It may be hard while they are happening, but afterwards, laugh about
it. If you do, it will help you to focus on the positives of your big day,
rather than on the things that went wrong.

Remember
that it’s all about the marriage, not the wedding. Details are just that-
details. They are the punctuation marks on the beautiful poem that is your new
life with your new husband. Wedding mistakes and drama will not make or break
your marriage; how you laugh and triumph over them will. It will set a precedence for how the two of you will weather
greater issues in the future. The best advice I can give is to enjoy your day.
It will be over before you know it. Laugh, love, and celebrate this amazing
journey you are about to embark on. I wish all of you future brides the
beautiful wedding of your dreams, but more importantly, a lifetime of happiness
with your spouse.

so many great tips. i would definitely agree to not skimp on the dj or photographer - we definitely wanted to have really good dance music. and the photos are really the only thing you're have forever from that day!

I had asked my good friend to be MOH and then she became distant and I was like wtf... Eventually I just asked her if it was too much for her to handle and if she wanted to dye back... Disappointing but I respect the honesty. Great tipsb

I was having this discussion with my friend recently about how grooms don't really know about the stress involved in planning a wedding. He's a traditionalist and believes a woman should plan it. I told him he needs to plan his wedding to understand the stress a woman goes through planning a wedding. You should post a groom's perspective as well.

I love reading and responding to comments but in order to get my reply you must ensure you are NOT a no-reply blogger. If you are, here are some quick steps to change that!

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