D/s – A Loving Dominant Is Not Abusive

I Need You To Need Me is a wonderful blog by a dear lady who is finding her way through the submissive journey. The beginning of one of her recent posts began with this opening line:

I’ve had several asks on my Tumblr, why do I want to be a submissive/slave? Why do I want to be controlled and abused and so forth? It infuriates me that so many see BDSM as something bad and it takes someone weak to give themselves to someone else.

(Here is the link to the post)

http://ineedyoutoneedme.wordpress.com/2012/11/18/submissiveslave/

First – when I’m faced with such questions I remind myself that it’s impossible to explain to a vanilla person the tremendous pleasure and joy we derive from our surrender. If they’re not hard wired as we are, it doesn’t matter what you say, or how you try to explain yourself, they simply will not be able to comprehend your message.

And second – in a sane, loving D/s relationship, a submissive has a safe word. Period. If something becomes too much, if she is uncomfortable or frightened there is an exit door.

Being a submissive is not a choice. At least it’s not a choice for me. It’s who I am. A vanilla relationship would be wholly unsatisfying, frustrating and boring. (Been there, done that!) There would be no point and it would be doomed before it began. I would be denying myself that which I need to be truly happy.

I sometimes wonder if we Dominants and submissives have actually been caught in some kind of time warp. In the 40’s and 50’s D/s was the natural order of things, it just wasn’t labeled as such. Think of Ricky and Lucy – there’s a D/s relationship if there ever was one. Simon Templer, the fabulous Saint, talked about it often, and I was watching an old episode of Perry Mason recently, during which a husband spanked his wife. No worries there! She caused a scene at a party and he dealt with it.

At the end of the day we must be true to ourselves. We must follow our path and seek the joy and happiness that is ours to cherish. We don’t have to justify who we are or answer questions from those who can never understand what it is that compels us to live our lifestyle.

As The Fading Romantic Dominant often states – Life Is Not A Rehearsal.

Like this:

7 Comments

It may have been the natural order of things – but it was completely wrong. Men and women are equal, yet different – and the ingredient of respect was no more in evidence from 40’s and 50’s man than it is today – perhaps much less so then. I admire a woman not for submission, but her decision to submit.

I so understand your point and of course it is always the woman’s choice. When I look at elderly married couples, and I’ve known a few, the successful marriages always displayed extreme respect for each other. It was not my intent to suggest that I support inequality. I have just thought, at times, that I am a 1940’s woman living in this time. It has occurred to me that the D/s dynamic is a throwback to another era, but not the inequality that existed back then.

I agree D/s is a throwback to another era but at the same time our society is still built on D/s .The understanding of a woman submitting to man in this day and time is met with outrage because it’s misunderstood as the woman being weak and the man abusive. Or a man submitting to a woman just as bad because men aren’t supposed to submit. I’ve been in this life style as a submissive for 16 year’s and watched it evolve over the year’s as I have also evolved with age. I do believe the acceptance of alternative life styles has gotten better with still a long way to go.
I’ve been single for the last 10 year’s although still involved with the community here in Wa. State.
I love reading books by people who live this life style. Thank you for your time and effort in sharing your stories.

Hello – thank you for reading and for your thoughts. I blame some of the representations made by the media – television, movies and books – for the negative stereotyping. I posted a blog about this some time ago. It saddens and angers me whenever I see Dominant or Domme portrayed as an abusive, mentally disturbed, cruel or sadistic person. I do hope that some in the media will begin to see those of us who are sane, loving, caring and ‘normal’, living this lifestyle, and embrace it in a positive fashion. I’ve noticed that there are the occasional television shows including some fun spanking in the story line. It’s a start!

While my books are all M/f (with the exception of Malibu Heat, which has smatterings of both M/f and F/m) they all orbit around romance and love. It is this that drives the world and our lifestyle is no exception – in fact – I think that a Romantic D/s relationship encompasses even more respect and adoration than does the vanilla. But that’s just my opinion – for what it’s worth. 🙂

for me in many was it feels old fashioned and traditional. As if this is how the world was ment to be. But i am reminded that not all men are born dominate, just as all women were not born sub. And that the world changes and to find our happiness we must embrace that change.
I love the peaceful serenity of it. The safety and security i feel in my D/s life. It is like nothing else in this world. And i only hope that everyone finds that level of happiness no matter what there sexual prefferences i life.