The Best Umbrellas for EDC and Self-Defense

Rain, rain, go away, come again some other day. Remember that little rhyme from when you were a kid? Summer time, all you wanted to do was go outside and run and play but it was raining? It especially, umm, was not nice, when it rained and you had to walk to school in it.

Umbrellas of yesterday

So, our friend the umbrella was there to keep us dry. One time, when I was only about 10 years old, it was raining and I had to walk to school then home again that afternoon. It wasn’t too far, just about 1/2 mile, not like our grandparents stories about walking 10 miles to school, uphill, both ways. I never could figure that one out, maybe it had something to do with the rotation of the Earth?

But this one particular day I walked to school in the rain with an umbrella. After school it wasn’t raining so I was just carrying my umbrella. It wasn’t a particularly “cool” umbrella. It was actually my mom’s. It was 1976; the umbrella was one of those clear domes with a color border around the bottom. It was about 3 feet long and had a spike type deal on the end and a wooden handle.

As I walked home a couple other kids teased me about my “grandma umbrella”. After words were exchanged it came down to violence. So I “stabbed” at one of them with the point of the umbrella (his words, I say I poked him), and hit the other one with it like a bat. I got suspended for three days for defending myself against TWO slightly older, slightly bigger kids.

I mean seriously, it didn’t hurt them, but of course they cried about it, being bullies. That’s usually how it went with bullies. They were tough until you beat THEM up, then YOU got in trouble because they went crying and telling on you. So that was my first and only experience with a “tactical” umbrella.

The tactical umbrella of the movies

Remember those old James Bond movies from the 1960’s? I love those. Just corny enough for a laugh, they really took it seriously though. Oh yeah, James Bond was the super cool, super spy back in the day. If I recall correctly, he had a couple of “special” umbrellas in his armory. Although, I could be confusing James Bonds trick gear with the penguin from the old campy Batman television series.

I just know somewhere in the magical world of television and movies I have seen umbrellas that were secret guns, secret swords, they sprayed knockout gas, shot poison darts, and were used as a weapon by clubbing and hooking the bad guy.

Speaking of laughable television, the bad guy “The Penguin” had weaponized umbrellas of various sorts in episodes of the campy, 1960’s Batman television show. They would spew forth noxious, purple fumes that rendered his victims incapacitated.

Like this clip from a 1966 episode where he incapacitates millionaire Bruce Wayne when gas emits from the tip of his umbrella.

I wonder why his henchmen didn’t pass out too though.

One particular umbrella I recall the penguin having that I always liked had a sharp, pointed surprise in it for any unsuspecting dupes. However, these really exist. You can actually buy an umbrella that has a small sword hidden inside.

Real world defensive umbrellas

But besides what we see in the movies, are there really umbrellas that we can own that can be used as a defensive weapon? Why yes, yes there are, several actually.

This one here has a hidden blade and a katana style handle. The umbrella actually works too. I think I want one of these. I have a sword cane, why not a sword umbrella too?

Here is an umbrella that is designed to look like, wait for it…an umbrella! Yet, hidden inside is a 15” dagger, any potential evil doer will get the point if they happen to try to attack you in the rain and you have it.

Here is a video review of it from youtube:

Let’s go clubbing

For those of you that may be a little hesitant to stab someone, here is an umbrella that is designed to be used like a stick and just beat the bajeezus out of them.

Here is a video showing a guy testing the unbreakable umbrella, a strength test of sorts:

Here is a video of a guy showing some self defense tactics using a regular umbrella. Well, if you were to combine similar tactics while using the “unbreakable” umbrella, it will have the potential for a much more devastating effect. This is because the unbreakable umbrella is supposed to have the same effect as if you were hitting them with a steel pipe.

Weaponizing your umbrella

Some umbrellas have that little metal point on the end, well what if you made that a little sharp and pointed? Then you would not only be able to use it to deflect and strike at an assailant, but you could poke holes in them as well.

It would also be kind of dirty from poking at the ground as we all do with our umbrellas when it’s not raining and they serve double duty as a cane. All that dirt getting poked into them would leave a lasting reminder in the form of infection that they should stop being bad guys.

It may only be two or three inches long, but you can believe that once they get that first hole and start bleeding they are going to change their mind about whatever it was they were trying to do. Even if they do become more aggressive after you poke a hole in them, you just have to become more aggressive as well.

Hit them again with it, poke more holes in them. You just have to go for the neck, throat, face, eyes, and chest. If you hit their ribcage you can get between the ribs with the thin point and if the point is three inches long that’s enough to get into the liver and lungs as well.

These are going to be your targets of maximum effect. With that 3 foot long (or longer) umbrella, you will have a reach advantage over them if they are holding a knife. You can stab them well before they can even get close to you.

Of course, I suppose that once you got the point in them to start the hole you could just go ahead and run them through with it. it might catch on the clothing though since it can’t cut its way through like a knife or sword would.

But if you got the point in their gut and kept pushing I’m sure they are going to go backwards away from you. Then you just keep pushing until they trip and fall backwards. Then you can continue your counter attack by kicking them and striking them with the weaponized umbrella.

It may sound vicious but let’s be serious here; the reality is that if someone is attacking you, you will have to be as vicious, if not more so, in your defensive moves and counter attack.

Umbrellas with the hooked handle can be used to trip an attacker as well. You can also hook their hand holding the weapon and twist the hook and potentially disarm them.

Final parry

But, it’s like I always say. Your brain is your greatest weapon. By being aware of your surroundings you can minimize your risk of becoming preyed upon. If you avoid “problem areas” of town, then you can most likely avoid the problems associated with those areas.

If your office or other place of work puts you in an area against your better judgment, just by being aware of your surroundings you can minimize your risk because criminals want to prey on the unsuspecting. The people that are walking and looking at their feet or cell phone won’t even see it coming when the bad guy steps out of the shadows.

But if you maintain awareness you will see the guy loitering in the shadows, maybe before he even sees you. If you see one person that looks suspicious, keep looking because often the bad guys work in numbers and there could be one or more others nearby. For example: you are walking down the city sidewalk and someone approaches you and asks for a light, or to bum a cigarette, or to ask what time it is, or to even try to bum money.

This can often be a ruse to distract you for bad guy “B” to come up behind you and whack you over the head or stick a blade between your ribs. By paying attention to your surroundings, and carrying an inconspicuous object that is actually a defensive weapon, like an umbrella (or that monkey fist you made after reading my other article), then you can be ready for just such an emergency or avoid it all together.