Sunday, February 2, 2014

why does he love me?

I’m so frustrated with where we’re at. He loves me, or so he says. Last night, before hanging up he said, “I’m saying it because I mean it: I love you.”

Is it bad that I want to know why? Why does he love me? We haven’t even been together in person. And while I know that isn’t everything, I want to know what he sees. Maybe I’m just pretty and decently funny. And I can understand that, until he tells me he wants to marry me. Why would he want to marry me? What could he possibly see in me that would make him think he wants to spend his life with me? Maybe I just don’t see it in myself.

As soon as we get back into everything, I get back to missing him. Every minute of every hour of every day. I hate missing him. I know I don’t act dependent, but I hate even slightly feeling so. I’m independent. I’m busy. I’m focused. Not a love-sick lonely girl longing to hear his voice. That can’t be me.

And then he calls, or maybe I do. And I’m giddy when I hear his voice and when I make him laugh, which I usually do. He makes jokes and I try not to over-laugh because I don’t want to seem too giggly. But his voice makes me feel like I’m safe and, better yet, happy. He says I’m beautiful a time or two, and I always melt because he always says it like it’s factual and obvious. I don’t want to hang up. I just want to be in the same place at the same time, and if that time could be right this second, that would be magical. Because he’s all I want.

And then he tells me he loves me. And I say it back. And we hang up.

I’m frustrated and confused and happy and I can’t stop smiling; it’s involuntary. I wish I could control it, or even understand it. But I can’t and I don’t. All I know is that I heard his voice for thirty seconds today, and that wasn’t enough. In those thirty seconds he told me he loved me twice and I haven’t stopped missing him since.

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