No one need die in virtual world

Monday

Mar 24, 2014 at 12:01 AMMar 24, 2014 at 5:39 AM

The Facebook page of Bill Watkins' mother lights up at least twice a year, on her birthday and on the anniversary of her death. She passed away three years ago last month. And it unsettles her son that Mom remains a source of delight on the social-media network.

The Facebook page of Bill Watkins’ mother lights up at least twice a year, on her birthday and on the anniversary of her death.

She passed away three years ago last month. And it unsettles her son that Mom remains a source of delight on the social-media network.

Every July 31, Facebook notifies all of her online friends, including Watkins in Kansas City, that it’s her birthday. Sadly, he knows that. But many others will then post happy regards on his mother’s site, addressing her as if she never succumbed to breast cancer.

“They’ll say, ‘Oh, remember the time we did such and such?’” said Watkins, 31, who also lost a twin brother a decade ago. “It’s that public form of expressing loss that bothers me a little. It’s not the way I grieve.”

Loss affects everyone differently. But nobody really goes away on the Internet, and that provides great comfort to many grieving families.

To others, online accounts that linger in perpetuity only serve to remind that someone dear no longer occupies the real world.

Millions of owners of active Facebook accounts are deceased. But their posts live on, either as customized memorial pages — at least 3 million of those have been set up — or as unattended remnants of a life cut short in the social network.

Immortality isn’t reserved just to social-media sites such as Facebook.

They don’t vanish when the owners die. Unless families know the usernames and passwords behind the accounts, some virtual assets could reside indefinitely in a vast cyberspace cemetery.

Such issues gained attention in February when John Berlin of Arnold, Mo., posted an emotionally raw video clip on YouTube that went viral.

He was trying to obtain personalized video clips that should have been in the account of his late son, Jesse. As part of Facebook’s 10th anniversary, the network had sent automated “Look Back” clips to all active users, displaying their most popular posts.

“I’m calling out to Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook,” John Berlin said. “You’ve been putting out these new movies, these one-minute movies that everyone’s been sharing. Well, my son passed away ... and we can’t access his Facebook account.

“I want to see my son’s video.”

His tactic worked. Facebook contacted John Berlin and then issued a statement that it would offer families of deceased users access to Look Back videos.

Facebook went on to announce changes in its policy regarding special “memorialized” pages, allowing them to be visible to everyone the user allowed access to before dying. In the company’s words, privacy settings of the dead would remain “as is.”

Expect more policy changes, and perhaps new state laws, as online providers struggle to address the demands of surviving loved ones — especially parents and spouses — to access accounts of the deceased.

Especially for parents working through grief, the social-media platforms that chronicle the users’ interests and acquaintances can help keep alive memories of loved ones lost too early.

“When people post pictures that the parents have never seen before, that’s the best gift that can be given,” said Gay Kahler of the bereavement-support group Compassionate Friends. “As a bereaved parent, it hurts to think you’ve seen all the pictures that’ll ever be taken. A new one shows up, that’s priceless.”