There are many things in Beverly Hills: fancy cars, big houses, a legion of fake-boobed Botoxed warriors in Roman sleeves waiting to destroy all the men who cross their paths. But there is one thing that there is not in Beverly Hills, and that is a sense of humor. OK, well, some people have it, but many do not. Lisa Vanderpump has a great sense of humor, one that is a little wicked and tinged with just a bit of acid, like one of those British sitcoms you watch on PBS. But those self serious women Lisa mixes with on Real Former American Idol Contestants of Gramophone Gulch, they just don't understand what is funny at all.
The reason I'm bringing this up is because, well, we finally discovered why Adrienne, the queen of the Maloofs (a race of lizards that lives beneath the mountain) and her husband, Paullo the Chimp, are mad at Lisa. Yes, Paullo told us while they were riding in a limo with the bag of facial ticks and white knuckles that is Kim Richards (much more on her later). Here are his three grievances against Lisa, which they are waiting for an apology for: Lisa called Adrienne's shoes "the Maloof Hoof," she referred to their dog Jackpot as "Crackpot," and she said that when she moved out of her house across the street she was going to throw all the furniture she didn't want over their fence. OK, first of all, who even has the problem of having to worry about what goes over your fence? Who has a fence? Secondly, those are all jokes. We heard all those things on the show and it is absolutely obvious to anyone watching with one brain cell and one working eye that it was a joke (which means even Andy Cohen got it). They were kind of funny jokes too. Lisa was teasing. And if your whole reason to hate this lady is because she made a few groaners at your expense, well, then you're a jerk.
So at Yolanda's dinner Paullo is all, "After what she did to us, I'm never talking to her again." Oh please. What she did was tell a few jokes. He's acting like she paid the nanny to kill all of his kids. She's kidding, Paullo, you freaking clown. Oh, sorry, you're a chimp. Whatever. Same deal. Lisa made nice at dinner but really has no interest in mending their relationship until Adrienne apologizes. Now they are playing the Real Housewives' favorite game: Apology Chicken, where one party feels she is wronged and waiting for an apology from another party who also feels wronged and waiting for an apology. In most cases both women have done something totally screwed up and the Emily Post Stand-Off (can we call them Mexican Standoffs anymore? Is that racist?) is totally warranted, but in this case, Lisa has done nothing wrong. Adrienne invented this giant slight and went around spreading lies about Lisa. There is only one wrong party here and she has a whole mountain full of lizards at her command. (Lisa only has one lizard at her command and his name is Ken, so I mean Adrienne.)
OK, before we can start talking about how The Widow Armstrong can't laugh at anything (this has nothing to do with how anatomically improbable her mouth is, but from some sort of mental deficiency) we need to talk about Yolanda's dinner party. Yolanda H. Bananas Foster has a giant freaking house. It is gorgeous and she designed it, every slat on the floor and over-stuffed sofa in the living room. She put her personal touch on all 17,000 square feet of it, even though they only use about three rooms: the kitchen, the living room, and the bedroom. She doesn't use the infinity pool or the outdoor living room. The arboretum lies empty and the conservatory without music. There is no lounging in the lounge and nothing to wrap in the wrapping paper room. They haven't once used the indoor bocce court and, just as the contractor told them, the faithful restoration of a French city block in their basement turned out to be an absolute waste.
The funny thing about Yolanda Bananas Foster is that she planted a ton of lemon trees and then, to her shock and dismay, they grew a million lemons. Now her life is entirely full of lemons and she can not make lemonade. This is her personal failing.
Yolanda invites everyone over and has her butler/caterer, which she has on loan from St. Camille of Grammer, come up with a menu and cocktail list and everything is going well. Lisa and Ken arrive, and Kyle and MMMmmmmmauricio show up with The Widow Armstrong, who is wearing a long, black Victorian mourning gown with a black velvet choker and trailing a black parasol, folded in, behind her and it is jostling her bustle. Adrienne and Paullo bring Kim Richards and the gang is all there. Yolanda invited Mr Body, who I thought was the evil blackmailer in Clue but he's really some jazz musician. She also invited Michael Johns, a very distinguished musician whose career highlight seems to be finishing eighth on Season 7 of American Idol. He wore a fedora to dinner which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about him. Yolanda thought that either the 50-year-old trumpeter or the 34-year-old Australian also-ran would be a good match for Brandi, who didn't even come to dinner. They are not. Brandi, I got your back, even when you're not there.
When everyone arrives their first stop is Yolanda's refrigerator. We need to talk about this at length because, did you see that freaking refrigerator? It was like a giant jewelry display case or the glass coffin where they kept Eva Peron so that everyone could come and view the body. It was like nine feet tall with clear glass doors and just stocked with baskets of fruit that were professionally arranged by a food stylist who comes in every day to rotate the produce and make sure it looks lovely. Also, there were a million lemons and still no lemonade. There were enough lemons in there to make gin and tonics for a room full of British people for a month or one Housewife for a week. This thing is a marvel. It's big enough to walk into, even though you don't need to because you can see everything through the glass door. What does she do with left overs? And condiments? Why is there no half-full ketchup in there and a soy sauce stained white container of last night's noodles from Chinese take out? This isn't just a refrigerator, it is a space ship from the future that has come bringing only gorgeous fruit that will never age or rot. That is what Yolanda ingests to keep her face from aging or rotting.
OK, so everyone is hanging out and The Widow Armstrong is sitting next to Mr. Body and she unfurls her black lace fan with a snap and gives herself a little bit of air and asks why Brandi isn't there. Then she tells everyone, "She told Yolanda that she has slept with everyone in Beverly Hills. Considering there are 16,000 people in Beverly Hills, she has been very busy. Very busy in-deed!" OK, Taylor, first of all we got a sepia-toned flashback to Brandi's comment and she didn't say she slept with everyone, she said "in Beverly Hills everyone sleeps with everyone." That is true. Also funny. The Widow Armstrong, like Adrienne, doesn't get the joke. Also, if Brandi said that she 69ed with everyone in the 90210, which she didn't, but if she did, who would think she was being literal? Who would think she took the voting registry and went house to house dispensing free love and ticking names off her fuck list? No one would think that. No one thinks that is true but The Widow Armstrong and everyone is rolling their eyes as soon as she goes to sit down on a fainting couch.
The Widow Armstrong says all of this after a few too many glasses of sherry and Yolanda says, "There is nothing I hate more than a drunk woman," or something like that. Oh my god. This is like the lemons all over again. Does she know what show she's on? This is like moving to Alaska and after being there a week saying, "There is nothing I hate more than a long winter." Seriously, Bananas.
After dinner The Widow Armstrong gets even worse. Everyone gathers around the piano to listen to Yolanda's husband David Foster (no Wallace) sing on his piano that is made of gold. No, not just gold, it is coated with the metal made from melted down Grammys. That's how many he has, he smelts them and made a piano out of them. (I don't really want to talk about him because he's awful in the blandest way possible. He's been told his whole career that he is great and awesome and a genius and now he believes it so he rattles on and on with his stories about musicians that no one cares about and shows off in front of company and it's just blah. I would hate to spend an evening with the man, but whatever, it's not like he's messed up in his own unique way.) Kyle Richards, ever the showgirl, wants to get up and perform but when the ladies won't calm down, he tells them to shush and that there will be no talking and no singing. It was a little stinging, but he was trying to stay jocular. The Widow Armstrong did not get this. She was all upset. "Well, I never!" she said, while fanning herself faster and faster with her fan and trying not to pass out on her chair. God, Widow, learn how to take a joke.
Then after playing "Amazing Grace," Mr. Body started to play Danny Boy on the trumpet and The Widow Armstrong starts fanning more and more. "Bring me my smelling salts. I'm going down," and she passes out in a heap on the floor because her grief was just so overwhelming that she can't hear a down-tempo song. Paullo the Chimp takes her pulse and determines she's alive and then says, "Why don't we play something a little bit more upbeat?" OK, sure the song selection was whack, but are you really going to go into this guy's house and tell him he can't play "Danny Boy" because The Widow Armstrong lost a loved one a year ago? That's crazier than Courtney Love in detox.
The evening ends without any major atrocities other than the jealousy we all feel for Yolanda's insane refrigerator and the vague pangs of discomfort we feel upon meeting her husband. Now we get the set up is for Lisa and Adrienne's big Contractually Obligated Drinks Discussion About Why We're Mad, but I'm saving that for next week.
That's mostly because we have something tremendously important to talk about. Yes, something happened last night that was sublime in its impact: Kim Richard's daughter Kimberly went to the prom. Oh man. This was the best thing that happened to me since I discovered, through yoga, that I can fit my penis in my own mouth. OK, that is not true, which means this is the best thing I have ever seen.
We already saw Kim and Kimberly go to their sister/aunt Kathy Hilton's house to pick out a frock from her Kathy Hilton's Premiere Elegance Dress Collection that is available on HSN (I made all that up), but the big day is finally here. Kim is dressed in her flowiest dirt brown top and a choker that has never been in style so I have no idea where she got it. She walks to the door and lets in Kasea, the makeup artist who has a name that has never been uttered in any language before this day. Kasea is there to make Kimberly beautiful – wait, no – more beautiful. Kimberly sits down in the chair and Kasea goes to work and Kim gives her a big wad of beads and says, "Listen, Kimberly. I haven't always been there for you. It's been a few really rough years. Mommy's been in and out of the hospital, but I'm here for you now. I'm going to make it up to you. I'm going to make it right." Kimberly gives her the "Yeah, OK, mom," that every teenage girl perfects by the age of 13 and tries to ignore her while a human with an alien's name paints her face.
Kim goes into the kitchen and says, "I'm going to make chicken salad. I'm going to make a whole spread. We're going to make this the most magical day. Look, Kimberly, I'm making the salad. I'm putting in the chicken and the walnuts and the mayonnaise. Look, I'm making salad!" Through the window into the kitchen we can see the Kim is just throwing random amounts of ingredients into a bowl and stirring them up with her fingers. Doot-dee-doot, she's singing as she stirs and stirs, kneading the chicken like it's a big ball of dough. "Look, Kimberly. I made salad!" she said and takes it over to the sideboard that has a cloth runner across the top and is covered with four different plates of hor d'ourves. There are pigs snug in their blankets burned on one side. There are chips and dip in a chip-and-dip that is shaped like a sombrero and is meant for tortilla chips and salsa but is instead full of Ruffles and an onion dip. There's a plate with grapes on it. Just grapes. And there is an empty box of Bagel Bites with some freezer burn slowly seeping inot the runner. Kim puts her salad next to those and goes back to the kitchen to do some more work.
"Cupcakes! We're gonna need some cupcakes!" Kim shouts and pulls some Hostess cupcakes out of the box and unwraps them one at a time before slapping some colored frosting onto the top. She brings them over and puts them onto a glass cake plate that has been broken in half. "How did that happen?" Kim thinks as the first cupcakes she pushes toward the back fall off and stumble onto the floor. She knows how that cupcake feels. She lets it just lie there. It will get up when it's ready.
As she's admiring her handiwork on the sideboard, she hears a little girl voice behind her. "Mom," Kimberly says, as Kim turns around she holds her hands out from her sides a little bit, as if that will help Kim get a better look of her black dress which is frayed on the bottom, like a black swan that is still moist from sitting in a pond. Her makeup is done, her hair aligned in a row of knots along the perimeter of her skull. She looks beautiful and young. She looks like Kim Richards going to a movie premiere.
"Oh," Kim says, holding her hand up to her mouth, joyed that her daughter looks so great and that she could do so much for her on this special day. She's so pleased and so sad. This is going to be the best day of her life. For Kim, things never got better after prom. She tried and tried to recapture that day, that feeling that there is a big strong man coming who will protect her and make her feel better, she tried to burrow her way into that cocoon a million times, but she never quite got there. Maybe she didn't cook long enough, popping out while here butterfly wings were still a bit unfinished and sticking to her sides. Maybe she was grounded for good. But not her daughter, not her beautiful daughter flying before her very eyes.
That's when the strains of the "Star Spangled Banner" start up over the house with its jangly tones and everyone sings along in the heads for the first few bars. "That's the doorbell!" Kim shouts, surprised every time that it's not the start of a Lakers game. She runs down the steps and lets in Joe (I forgot his name, whatever) Kimberly's 20-year-old boyfriend. He's a little old to be going to such a thing and totally huge. "Oh, you're a giant," Kim says. "That so good. You can fight everyone off from my Kimberly!" she does an awkward karate chop and then laughs at her own joke, an awkward smile spreading over Joe's face. "Is, um. Is Kimberly ready?" He asks? "Of course! Come in."
"Wow, you look great!" he says when he sees her and goes in for a kiss, lifting her off the ground a little bit. "Are you ready?" Kimberly asks. "Yeah," he says.
"Wait!" Kim shouts. "You have to have something to eat. Look. I made all this food. Aren't you waiting for your friends? I figured you'd bring them all over and their parents and we can all take some pictures out in the front lawn, because you guys look so great. I frosted cupcakes. There's chicken salad!"
"Sorry, Mom," Kimberly replied. "We're going over to Julie's house. She arranged the limo so it's picking us up there, so we actually have to get going."
"Can I take one picture? Come on, one picture," she says getting her phone out of her pocket and pushing the two of them together at the top of the stairs. "Say 'Prom Date!'" They smile and she pokes her finger at the screen of her phone and it makes that recorded snap sound. "Oh, one more." She turns her phone and pokes again.
"OK, Mom. We really need to go."
"Are you sure? Are you sure you don't want to take some food with you?"
They walk out the front door and off to the car. Kim rushes inside to the window next to the sideboard, the food poised precariously on top. She lifts the blinds up with one finger and peers outside like she's watching something she shouldn't be, like she's peeking. She sees Kimberly walk over to the side of Joe's truck and she remember's the pickup truck that her date drove to her prom. He had a trailer rigged up in the back and they spent the night in it cuddling. The first time she kissed a man. The first time she drank. The first time she ever really felt like she could do something that mattered.
It's going to be different for Kimberly, she thought. She is my do-over. Before opening the door Joe put his arms under Kimberly's and picked her up while kissing her and spun her around. "Joe stop!" she said and let out a little laugh as he opened up the door and let her in, closing it gingerly after her and putting his other hand over the door as if to double seal it, to keep anything bad from happening. This was going to work, Kim thought. This was going to be perfect. As they pulled away she kept staring out into the driveway, wondering what she could do now, trying to figure out how her story was going to end. She was never good at endings, she was never good at the future. Her future just drove off and where did that leave her? Home, on a Saturday night, with no one to call, with no one to bother, with no one to care for.
She picked up the glass bowl from the sideboard and walked into the kitchen. She opened up the door under the sink and slid out the garbage can, quiet on its oiled track. She threw the chicken salad into the bad, bowl and all. It made a thump and the cracks filled the bowl but didn't break it. It just sat there, dead weight. Kim said to no one in particular, maybe to the cracked bowl, "No one even touched my salad."
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: AP Photo]
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Welcome back to The Voice. The top 10 contestants brought their A-game for last night’s live episode — knowing the bottom two will be eliminated tonight.
In support of Christina Aguilera’s new album Lotus — which Carson Daly dutifully reminds us about every 45 seconds — Blake Shelton joins Xtina (who is, adorably, about three feet shorter than he is) for the country-tinged ballad “Just a Fool.” It’s a lovely song, but the absurd production values we've grown accustomed to on this show make anything short of a full-on fireworks display seem a little dull.
In rehearsals, 19-year-old diva Sylvia Yacoub is immediately upstaged by Coach Christina, in an uncannily matching coral eyeliner-lips-hair trifecta — that’s why she’s a superstar, people. This week, Christina is assisted by record executive Ron Fair, who I mistook as Elvis Costello for two wonderful seconds. Ron has clumsily donned a fedora, the universal symbol for “I’m not a suit, I’m totally creative, and this has nothing to do with my worsening baldness — right, guys?”
Sylvia is back on the piano for “Girl on Fire.“ Although she kills it on the refrain — a perfect fit for her powerful voice — it’s not her best outing. But that’s not saying much. Unless otherwise noted, assume all of Yacoub’s performances are excellent.
It’s amazing to see how Sylvia’s metamorphosed since her blind audition — from a boxy blazer and teenage curls to expensive make-up and a metallic peplum (that's right, fashion, I know what your words mean) mini-dress.
The producers have clearly tried to work that same magic on unapologetically mulleted Terry McDermott, succeeding only in semi-flattening his hair. Blake sticks with Terry’s classic rock strengths and assigns him “Summer of ’69.” How does he hit those high notes? “A good old wedgie,” Terry explains.
As always, McDermott delivers. His rock-n’-roll style cannot be improved upon — I’m so relieved that the show hasn’t felt compelled to push him out of his genre of choice. He’s also the only contestant to regularly acknowledge the existence of his band members, playfully interacting with them like a real frontman.
If there can only be one, I wouldn’t mind if it’s Terry. I honestly don’t think he’ll win The Voice — though he’s a lock for the top eight — but I’d happily buy advance tickets now for Terry’s national tour, Sixty-Year-Old White Dudes’ Favorite Songs Live.
Carson takes a moment to acknowledge the cast of Guys with Kids in the audience, including Jamie-Lynn “Why Is Meadow Soprano on a Crappy Sitcom?” Siegler, who — lest we forget — was once an aspiring pop star herself. “If you’re here, where are the kids?” Carson asks, because he believes that all television shows are documentaries.
Melanie Martinez, the youngest remaining contestant, covers the White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army” on guitar. I do like Melanie, but as I’ve said before, her cutie-pie whisper has largely lost its charm. She identifies herself as a “softer singer,” which seems like an understatement. If she stood within a few feet of Sylvia on stage, she’d be blown away like a tiny, two-tone tumbleweed.
“Seven Nation Army” is an interesting, relatively gritty song choice — Adam Levine reports that Melanie pressed for it herself — and I like that her own surreal, butterfly-heavy photography is incorporated into a slideshow behind the stage as well as the print of her dress. Nevertheless, she fails to impress.
Cee Lo Green’s unsinkable Cody Belew is up next, co-mentored by — holy Dreamgirls, Batman — Jennifer Hudson, dangerously crossing the American Idol and Voice streams. I love it when male singers cover Beyoncé (He-yoncé?), so I’m excited to hear he’ll perform “Crazy in Love.”
I am still a [hashtag] Belewer, but this performance falls flat for me. Looking like an evil chain-mail Michael Jackson from the future (and a slick of eyeliner away from Adam Lambert), he brings the “bam bam,” but the song doesn’t really suit his voice. Hudson had advised him to adjust the key in rehearsals — I can’t decide if it should be higher or lower, but it’s still not quite there.
Yet, as Christina says, he “worked it like a true diva.” Cody remains a force to be reckoned with.
Bronx native Bryan Keith takes on Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind” for coach Adam. Bryan is blossoming into a formidable crooner — his simple, lovely version of the song is anchored in his calm and confident stage presence. Cee Lo rightly praises him for singing “like a man’s man.” More Billy Joel, please. If you want to keep the Mom vote locked down, Bryan, how about a little “Just the Way You Are?”
After a relatively weak performance last week, Amanda Brown is ready to bring it. Grace Potter’s “Stars” is a slower, more emotional choice than what she’s offered lately, but the risk pays off. Her gorgeous, vulnerable performance has one-time coach Cee Lo pining for his “favorite mistake.”
Even Nicholas David is looking suspiciously well groomed — his long locks have been lustrously blown out, and I expect it’s only a matter of time before we see some Farrah Fawcett layers. Backed by a full gospel choir, he sings the Bill Withers classic “Lean on Me” and plays the piano.
I can’t imagine a better song to showcase his talents — his cover is beautifully mellow and polished. On the strength of this performance, Cee Lo hails Nicholas as “the voice of a generation,” and eager beaver Blake calls this the best episode of The Voice ever.
Oh, dear. Sweet, sweet Trevin Hunte is going rogue — against the advice of Cee Lo and J-Huds, he decides to abandon the ballads that have made his reputation and explore a new side of himself with Usher’s “Scream.”
I hate to say it, but this is the episode’s weakest performance. Trevin can’t seem to handle the accelerated pace of a dance song. He’s off-key throughout the chorus, and there’s an awkward disparity in volume between his vocals and the background track. The overall effect is uncomfortable.
I do appreciate the change in style, and I expect that Trevin — long a favorite to win the season — can overcome this misstep. To quote Adam, still confident in Trevin’s chances, he “could sing the dictionary.”
Cassadee Pope’s outfit looks like she borrowed Miss Teen Minnesota’s evening gown for the night, but then accidentally tore open the dress backstage with only thirty seconds to air and desperately threw on leggings underneath.
She covers Miranda Lambert’s “Over You,” a song co-written by coach Blake about the untimely passing of his brother. I’d written off Cassadee as a drugstore generic for Avril Lavigne, but this raw, poignant performance is a surprise. I love it.
A few seconds of watching a moist-eyed Blake proudly watch Cassadee perform “the most personal” song of his career aaaaaand I’m tearing up. I hope she’ll continue to experiment with songs outside her pop-punk comfort zone.
Full disclosure: I’m not convinced that beady-eyed Dez Duron isn’t a psychopath — something along the lines of Patrick Bateman, or worse, Tom Cruise. That makes it all the more painful for me to tell you that he killed it last night. His jazzy, confident cover of Nina Simone’s “Feelin’ Good” brings the house down. Dapper in a white tuxedo jacket, Dez doesn’t just act like Sinatra, he somehow manages to sound like him, too.
The Voice returns tonight at 8 p.m, after all the votes have been counted. Follow Molly on Twitter @mollyfitz.
[Image Credit: NBC (2)]
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Welcome back to text The Voice. Last night’s episode saw the top 12 reduced to only 10 — from now on, all that counts is your votes, with the worst-performing contestants to be eliminated regardless of which team they’re on. We’ve dissolved the electoral college, but I still can’t shake the feeling that Florida’s going to find a way to screw things up anyway. Also, don’t forget that live performances downloaded from iTunes count as a vote for that singer. (This, incidentally, is how Super PACs work.)
The episode opens with the live premiere of Christina Aguilera’s new single “Make the World Move,” which confusingly samples the horn intro from “Hips Don’t Lie.” The song features our very own Cee Lo Green, whose primary role in the performance is to stand around and wield a staff. He does it well. The song is good, and the whole production has a fun Gaga-in-Wonderland feeling.
The show briefly reverts to a favored reality TV trope, the confession cam, except everyone is sober, and no one is Snooki. The contestants share anecdotes about their newfound fame and being recognized on the street for the first time. “For some reason, moms love me,” Bryan Keith creepily boasts, while Michaela “The Mohawk Girl” Paige complains that she’s always referred to as “the mohawk girl.” Terry McDermott insists that his hairdo isn’t a mullet, and the cutest part is that he really believes it, too.
Carson Daly announces that the two artists who earned the most votes — and the first two to advance safely to the next round — are Sylvia Yacoub, Team Xtina’s diva supreme, and Bryan Keith, proving that moms represent a formidable voting bloc.
After the commercial break, Jason Aldean — who is, apparently, a very famous country star — performs “The Only Way I Know,” with backing vocals by Dez Duron and Bryan. In case his twang and cowboy hat weren’t enough to indicate that Aldean is Country Strong, an obligatory rocking-out reaction shot of Blake Shelton handily confirms it.
The next artists saved are Team Cee Lo’s soul man Nicholas David and animate Ken doll Dez of Team Christina. So far, every coach has had at least one team member advance to the top 10 (Christina has two) except Blake. Get it together, Shelton!
Aldean tells Christina Milian that he and Blake first met as opening acts for Rascal Flatts in 2006, and mentions that Blake once had the “gnarliest” mullet around. BRB FRANTICALLY GOOGLE IMAGING NOW, because you are useless, Milian. I’m not sure it’s a mullet per se, but whatever it is, it’s glorious. Blake’s devotion to Terry makes all the more sense now, and I will forever imagine his courtship with wife Miranda Lambert as a Southern, gender-reversed reboot of She’s All That.
Cee Lo and his team — Trevin Hunte, Nicholas David, and Cody Belew — offer a glorious cover of “Stayin’ Alive,” complete with leisure suits, disco balls, and a light-up dance floor. Before I watched The Voice my day was tracking at about a three out of 10, but this performance alone ramped things up to a 5. Trevin and Nicholas are great, but Belew absolutely excels, nailing a flawless Bee Gees falsetto.
Saved next: the 18-year-old pride of Queens (and Team Cee Lo) Trevin, and Team Blake’s (and Hey Monday’s) Cassadee Pope.
For his first performance of the season, Blake joins Cassadee, Mohawkla, and Terry McMullet (please send the Pulitzer directly to my P.O. Box, thanks) for “Life Is a Highway.” It’s a lot of fun, if tragically devoid of Cee Lo and Christina-brand insanity — it’s also nice to see how undeniably competent these pop-punk and rock artists are within a relatively unfamiliar genre. In other news, I bet Blake smells really, really good.
Mullet trumps mohawk — my word processor aggressively insists on capitalizing Mohawk, because it thinks I’m writing a thoughtful history paper on the Iroquois confederation — Terry McDermott is saved next, along with Team Adam’s Amanda Brown.
In the episode’s final moments, cutie-pie Melanie Martinez and cutier-pie Cody Belew become the last two contestants to advance to the top 10. Michaela and Adriana Louise are sent home, but not without a few obligatory close-ups of their strained, tear-stained faces. Are you not entertained?
The Voice’s top 10 performers return Monday at 8 p.m. Follow Molly on Twitter @mollyfitz.
[Image Credit: Tyler Golden/NBC (2)]
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Move aside, Eddie Murphy — there's a new cop headed to America's deadliest zipcode. Brandon T. Jackson just nabbed the titular role in CBS' reboot of the Beverly Hills Cop film franchise, which already has a pilot production commitment. Murphy will exec produce along with The Shield/Last Resort creator Shawn Ryan, who is also penning the script.
Jackson, who you may know from Tropic Thunder, Percy Jackson &amp; the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, or a Tyler Perry movie, will play Murphy's character — Axel's — son, a blue collar cop who struggles with living under his father's shadow. Of course, this means that Murphy will occasionally pop up, so that father and son can fight Beverly Hills' top villains — Taylor Armstrong, Adrienne Maloof, Kyle Richards, Lisa Vanderpump's dog, and Khloe Kardashian-Odom — together. We can't wait.
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
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Forget that the latest adaptation of Leo Tolstoy's sweeping romance novel comes from the man who brought us the slick-but-stuffy Pride and Prejudice and Atonement. Every frame of director Joe Wright's Anna Karenina is a wonder to behold overflowing with visual spectacle and roaring performances. Keira Knightley Jude Law Aaron Taylor-Johnson and the rest of the cast fit perfectly in the high drama epic but it's really Wright's playground. Following Hanna an artful spin on the action movie Wright returns to the period drama but injects it with dazzling daring choices. A book like Anna Karenina could once fit in reality but its larger-than-life legacy precedes it. Wright acknowledges that from frame one approaching the film like a grand ballet or opera where grand gestures broad emotions and overt theatrics are commonplace. That vision clicks transforming Anna Karenina into an exhilarating moviegoing experience.
The storyline of Anna Karenina isn't far off from a daytime soap: It's 1874 and Anna (Knightley) is floating through existence as the wife of influential government player Karenin (Law). But when her brother Oblonsky (Matthew Macfadyen) summons her to Moscow to save his marriage Anna's entire world is shaken up. She meets Vronsky (Taylor-Johnson) a cavalry hunk who finds himself smitten with the taken lady. She's in the same boat: The two strike up a flirtatious relationship that evolves into one of sexual passion. A scandalous affair would incite trouble in the preset day but in the 19th century it's the ultimate crime. Quickly Anna's life comes crumbling down.
The intertwining melodrama of Anna Karenina earned the novel its classic status but Wright uses the material as a launching pad for imagination rather than a tome to translate to screen. Many of the scenes are staged in a theater creating an instant awareness of the production. Sets shift and are reconstructed into new rooms; actors costume change in the span of single shots; action sequences like a thrilling horse race are conducted on stage with special effects you might see on Broadway. Wright works this sort of stylization in the other direction too; a character could walk an empty stage open a door and suddenly be on a snow-covered hill. Anna Karenina isn't the first film to use the effect but in Wright's hands it's exhilarating.
The movie is Wright's third collaboration with Knightley and easily their most successful. Knightley never struggles to stay on the same page as the heightened material whether she's nailing a dance sequence or breaking down in a flood of tears. Casting an ensemble around Knightley is no easy task but Taylor-Johnson gives his best work yet as the debonair love interest and Macfadyen steals the show with moments of physical comedy.
We have expectations of the texture and structure of period romances. Anna Karenina defies them. Masterpiece Theater it is not.

Welcome to The Voice quarterfinals, everyone — and boy what a journey it’s been. These 12 remaining contestants have come a long way from their days of singing to the backs of revolving chairs. Now they’re singing directly to America for their votes. In other words, our babies are all grown up!
But with great vocals come great responsibility. Now that we’re getting down to the nitty-gritty of the competition every moment counts, leaving very little room for error. And in a surprise twist, it’s revealed that no coach is guaranteed to have a contestant of their own in the finale, which means it could be anyone’s game. Yup, it’s survival of the fittest, my friends, and these guys are looking for your votes now more than ever. So who could (and couldn’t) handle the pressure? Find out below!
First up to the mic was Michaela Paige, who sang a solid rendition of Pink’s popular hit “Blow Me (One Last Kiss).” She looked like a rock star, she sounded like a rock star, and she’d probably party like a rock star if it wasn’t for that pesky drinking age (she’s only 16, remember!). Basically it was an all-around impressive performance, forcing me to overlook the fact that Glee covered that exact same song just last week (I liked her version better, by the way). And it seemed like the judges did too. Christina complimented her on her vocal strength and energy while Blake praised her dedication and pleaded for America to send votes her way (of course, he’s probably a little biased on that matter). So good for her!
Next on deck was Dez Duron, who proved that he’s way more than just a pretty face while singing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Lauren Hill. It’s sweet and soulful and makes my inner-teen heart soar. (Seriously, I’m just a few steps away from putting this guy’s face all over my bedroom wall. Don’t judge me.) Sure, he may not have the extensive vocal range found in some of his fellow competitors, but he’s definitely making himself be heard in all the right ways. Cee Lo called him the total package and Adam remarked that this was his best performance yet. No doubt about it, we’re not taking our eyes off of this one anytime soon.
Adriana Louise was up next and sang “Good Girl” by Carrie Underwood. The song was fine — complete with all the Christina Aguilera essentials (runs, pitch inflections, vocal belting, etc.) — but the moment that got everyone's attention was when she seductively strolled over to Adam Levine’s seat and began serenading him. Seriously, she was only inches away from his face! You guys, I haven’t been this jealous since I discovered that Channing Tatum is a married man. It’s just not fair! Needless to say, the judges loved it, so at least we know this girl’s feminine whiles are strongly in tact.
Meanwhile, Cody Belew got in touch with his diva side by belting out a powerful rendition of Tina Turner’s “The Best,” sending both the crowd and judges into squeals of delight. Blake remarked that he’s meant to be on stage, which is certainly true. He’s great at energizing a crowd, but I fear his vocals just aren’t strong enough to be a frontrunner in this competition. (It is called The Voice, after all.) But he's certainly a lot of fun to watch.
Then came Amanda Brown’s performance of “Spectrum (Say My Name)" by Florence and the Machine. This girl is hard not to love simply because she puts so much emotion and feeling into everything she sings. However, I’m not sure if this was necessarily the right song choice for her (she sounded a little pitchy during her A Capella transitions). But if we’re looking with her track record overall, I’d say she has the potential to be a true superstar. When it comes to singing shows like this, I try not to judge too harshly on one bad song choice. Let’s just hope America feels the same way.
Bryan Keith put on a soulful rendition of Amy Winehouse’s popular hit song, “Back to Black.” It’s a new, refreshing sound that we really haven’t seen from Bryan before, but I absolutely loved it. He reminded me of a suave, raspy, modern-day Frank Sinatra. Our generation could really use a cool music style like that, so I hope this guy is around for keeps. Christina and Blake were so impressed with his performance that they named him the new lead singer on Team Adam. Looks like someone's got the moves like Jagger Sinatra! (I should really start patenting this stuff).
Cassadee Pope put her vocal chops to the test singing, “Behind These Hazel Eyes” by Kelly Clarkson, but her hard work more than paid off. She managed to hit some incredibly challenging notes, making the crowd go wild. Between the vocals and her purple hair streaks, it honestly felt like I was witnessing a real life, professional rock concert. Christina called it her favorite performance from Cassadee thus far while Cee Lo awkwardly shared his affinity for hot chicks with guitars. Moving on…
Then came Trevin Hunte who sang, “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge. Even before he started singing you knew Trevin was going to kill it out there. And he did. Like always. There’s really nothing else to say at this point other than once again point out what an incredible voice Trevin has. And he’s just as lovable as he is talented (like one of those big teddy bears that you just want to squeeze and never let go). No one deserves to be in the competition more than this guy. I would even go so far as to call him Cee Lo’s secret weapon and could very well go on to win this competition entirely.
Melanie Martinez was up next and performed “Cough Syrup” by Young the Giant. This just goes to show how important song choice is. It fit perfectly with her vocal range and really highlighted the beautiful quality of her raspy, unique sound. I liked it so much I didn’t even mind the bow in her hair this week (which is really saying something). And the judges had very similar opinions. Blake commented that she has the most unique voice in the competition while Christina gave her props for not going over the top with her performance to try to impress people. That’s certainly true, but didn’t it seem a little ironic coming from Christina? Either way, it was definitely the best performance we’ve seen from her so far.
Next up was Nicholas David who has always been a source of confusion for me. I guess I’ve really just never understood his appeal. He doesn’t have a bad voice by any means, but it’s not one that I can see folks lining up to listen to in concert. Last night, he chose to sing “Power of Love” by Huey Lewis and the News, which led to pretty lackluster results. It seemed like he was having a hard time keeping up with the song itself, making it one of the least impressive performances of the night. But since the judges are pretty much only handing out compliments at this point in the game, they chose to give him nothing but positive feedback — aside from calling him strange (helpful!). Regardless, I’m not sure how much longer this guy will last in this competition.
There are just some songs contestants should never touch — Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” being one of them. I mean, it’s practically the Titanic theme song, so you’re just asking for your performance to sink (sorry, I just couldn’t help myself). But in all seriousness, you just shouldn’t mess with a Celine classic. However, apparently nobody gave that particular memo to Sylvia Yacoub, who tackled the song the best she could. It was an admirable attempt, but can in no way compare to its predecessor. Sorry Sylvia, but America will never let go of the original.
And last, but certainly not least, came Terry McDermott who belted out yet another great performance, this time singing Boston’s “More Than a Feeling.” As usual, it was fantastic, which is something I’ve come to love about this guy: he’s always so dependable. He knows what kind of singer he is and he sticks with it (don’t mess with a good thing, right?). He’s a classic rock star and deserves to make it to the finals. Plus, I haven’t had my fill of that adorable Scottish accent yet.
But like it or not, two artists will go home Tuesday night regardless of what team they’re on. From here on out, the judges will play absolutely no part in the decision process whatsoever. It’s completely America’s call. So what do you think, folks? Based on last night’s performances, who deserves to be in the Top 10? Sound off on your thoughts in the comments below and be sure to tune in Tuesday night for the live results show!
Follow Kelly on Twitter @KellyBean0415
[Photo credit: Trae Patton/NBC]
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The Bond franchise may not place as much importance on gadgets these days. Ben Whishaw’s Q put it best in Skyfall when he said that MI6 isn’t really into “exploding pens” anymore. (Take that, GoldenEye!) But that doesn’t mean that most Bond fanatics don’t still love them.
Sure, many of them are completely fictional. We feel the best Bond gizmos, though, are those that are based more or less in reality, that are attainable fantasies. No invisible cars, thank you very much. Some have existed for real, and a number of them you can even buy, though maybe not with all the deadly options added by Q Branch. Here are seven key items in Bond’s cinematic arsenal and where you can find them today.
Aston Martin DB5
First Appearance: Goldfinger (1964)
A fusion of form and function that’s as elegant as Bond himself, 007’s signature car is a dynamic piece of automotive art. First on the market in 1963 the DB5, the fifth in a series honoring Aston Martin head David Brown (hence the “DB”), was only produced for two years. Two DB5s were used when shooting Goldfinger, one of which was Aston Martin’s original prototype. Special effects wiz John Stears, who’d later win Oscars for his work on Thunderball and Star Wars, tricked them out with an ejector seat, front-mounted machine guns, a tire slasher, and a bullet-proof shield.
Where to Find It Today: Aston Martin only produced 1,023 DB5s. If you have a few hundred thousand dollars to spare, one of them could be yours! In the meantime, though, you can currently see one onscreen in Skyfall. As for the two DB5s used in Goldfinger, the original prototype was stolen in 1997 and hasn’t been seen since. The other one sold at auction in 2010 for $4.1 million.
Walther PPK
First Appearance: Dr. No (1962)
Since it quickly became his favorite sidearm, it’s hard to believe Bond needed some convincing to pack the Walther PPK in Dr. No. Previously he liked carrying a Beretta, until it jammed on him during a mission. So Q Branch recommended the Walther instead, and Bond never looked back. First manufactured in 1931, the German semi-automatic handgun (the “PP” stands for “police pistol”) takes a seven-round clip of, traditionally, 7.65 mm ammo, for firepower that Q called “like a brick through plate glass.” Popular with the Third Reich, it was also the gun that Adolf Hitler used to commit suicide in his Berlin bunker at the end of World War II.
Where to Find It Today: Still being produced, various-caliber versions of the PPK sell for around $800.
Jet Pack
First Appearance: Thunderball (1965)
Produced by Bell Aerodynamics in 1961, the “Rocket Belt,” as it was called, was the first true jet pack. Weighing about 125 pounds, it would strap on the back of its pilot and was capable of achieving a speed of 60 miles per hour and an aerial height of about 30 feet. As there was never a possibility of a controlled crash in the event of an emergency, only a couple test pilots ever learned how to fly it. It’s biggest limitation was that it could only stay in the air for 21 seconds. Further refinements in the five decades since its release have only managed to increase its sustained flight time to 30 seconds. For Thunderball, producers Albert Broccoli and Harry Saltzman wanted its pilot (and Bond’s stunt double) to forego wearing a helmet. He refused.
Where To Find It Today: Only highly-trained test pilots have had access to later iterations of the Bell Rocket Belt, and it’s still sometimes used in exhibitions, like the 2008 Tournament of Roses Parade.
Lotus Esprit S1
First Appearance: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
The sleek, angular Lotus Esprit became the Aston Martin of the Roger Moore era.
Where You Can Find It: The S1 was only produced until 1979, but Lotus kept producing subsequent generations of the Esprit until 2004, and they’ve now promised a new model for 2013. It won’t transform into a submarine, but once you’ve bought it you can pop in Marvin Hamlisch’s “Bond 77” theme and imagine you’re skimming along the bottom of the Mediterranean. Please fantasize responsibly.
Fold-up Autogyro
First Appearance: You Only Live Twice (1967)
The Wallis WA-116 Agile autogiro was invented in 1961 by former RAF wing commander Ken Wallis. Capable of being packed in a relatively small box for transport, once unfolded and assembled the WA-116 is 11 feet long but weighs only 255 lbs and is capable of staying in the air for as long as two hours and thirty minutes.
Where You Can Find It: Wallis only produced five autogiros, all of which he or military test pilots have flown. Not for civilian use.
Rolex Submariner/Omega Seamaster Wristwatches
For most of Bond’s cinematic life, he wore either Rolex or Seiko watches. The most famous of these was the Rolex Submariner that 007 wore in Live and Let Die. That little timepiece carried a magnet so powerful that it could deflect the path of a bullet. But for Pierce Brosnan’s first turn in the tux in 1995’s GoldenEye, the franchise partnered with Omega. In that film, Bond’s Omega Seamaster watch has a built-in cutting laser, handy for getting out of trains that have been rigged to explode.
Where You Can Find Them: Well, they’re not going to have magnets or lasers, but you can still find both of these watches easily enough. The Submariner, which has appeared in ten Bond films beyond Live and Let Die and was a favorite of Che Guevara’s, is readily available for about $8,000. The Seamaster is a little bit more reasonable at a cool $3,200.
Ericsson Smartphones
First Appearance: Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Bond was way ahead of the curve when it came to smartphones. A concept phone designed by Ericsson was used in 1997. Though it included such fictional features as a built-in Taser and a fingerprint scanner, and could even function as a remote control to drive a BMW, its design was incorporated for real into the Ericsson R380 in 2000. That was the first cell phone ever to be called, and marketed as, a “smartphone.”
Where You Can Find It: Um, anywhere. But if you want Bond’s latest smartphone of choice, check out the Sony Xperia T, currently on display in Skyfall.
[Photo Credit: United Artists]
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Ah, the Bar Mitzvah. The transition from youth to adulthood. The opportunity to adopt new responsibilities and perspectives. The pronouncement of your senses of personal and religious identity alike. And all in a venue that demands a game of Coke and Pepsi and a frenzy of karate-dancing to that "Cent, Dollar, Dollar" song. In short, the most important event in a young Jewish person's life.
And this sentiment isn't confined only to we lowly common Jews, no. Even the famous ones hold their own Bar Mitzvah ceremonies and celebrations in high esteem, mensches that they are. In fact, it was just yesterday evening that Henry Winkler — the coolest man to ever live (at least in the canon of the Happy Days universe) — publicized an admission of pride for the anniversary of his own Bar Mitzvah. Winkler took to Twitter on Thursday to commemorate the 54th anniversary of his personal rite of Jewish passage:
On this day 54 years ago I was BAR MITZVAHEDhere in NEW YORK— Henry Winkler (@hwinkler4real) November 8, 2012Winkler's prideful expression of his segue into the chosen community has made us think back on other members of the tribe — those who have shared tales, or in some cases even more, about their Bar Mitzvah experiences.
On a 2009 episode of Inside the Actors Studio, guest Seth Green discussed with host James Lipton his Bar Mitzvah experience.
Earlier this year, Blossom star and The Big Bang Theory regular Mayim Bialik shared her memories of the event with Philadelphia's National Museum of American Jewish History. She touched on the spiritual aspects of her Bat Mitzvah — Philly.com reports that Bialik described herself as "devout" and "immersed in her Judiasm" — as well as the just-for-fun elements of the party. According to Philly.com, her Bat Mitzvah party was adorned with a blue motif and fishbowl centerpieces.
Rapper Drake, too, has been vocally prideful about his Jewish upbringing. Not only did the music artist discuss his Bar Mitzvah in the below clip, he actually paid tribute to the ritual in a music video with Nicki Minaj.
Not convinced? Here's proof!
While the Bar Mitzvah traditionally takes place at the age of 13, there are some cases when men and women engage in the ceremony later in life. Actor David Arquette, for example, had his Bar Mitzvah at age 41 (in June of this year) during his first trip to Israel.
So we've got the Fonz, Blossom, Deputy Dewey, Eddie McDowd, and ol' Aubrey Graham. Oh, and don't forget the New Girl's resident tenet of Zenet, Schmidt (Max Greenfield):
[Photo Credit: AP Photo]
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