Sunday, January 11, 2015

Cold Weather Forces Valerio Street Resident To Shut Front Door

By Michale Hemmingway, Quilt Staff

DATELINE: VALERIO STREET

Winter’s increasingly chilly weather brings a tinge of sadness to Valerio Street resident Gilbert Almeida as it heralds the end of the open-front-door season. Colder nighttime temperatures have forced the 34-year old oil change technician (with Peppy Lube on Saticoy) to actually spend large amounts of time inside the house he rents in exchange for a significant portion of his paycheck, with the front door of his cozy, mid-century home closed.

A familiar sight to neighbors and local possums, Gilbert Almeida
prefers spending his evenings in his yard with his front door open,
"you know, checking out Facebook an' sh_t," he says. Staff photo.

“I like keeping it open an’ sh_t,” says Almeida, noting that doing so helps keep his neighbors abreast of his tastes in music, Xbox gaming, late-night television viewing, recently purchased electronics and the status of his tumultuous relationship with his on-again off-again girlfriend, Renatta (who, he reports, is currently "being a total bitch and staying with her f_cking ugly-ass sister in Reseda").

Almeida takes pride in intentionally keeping the main entrance of his house wide open during the warmer months from the moment he gets home from work until he goes to bed, often later than two in the morning, up to which point he’s known to sit outside in a white plastic resin chair in his front yard as far away from the door as possible, with his stereo turned up appropriately loud enough so that he might enjoy it regardless of the distance from the sound system while using his smartphone to complain via emails to his landlord about his home’s significant housefly problem, constant mosquito bites, reoccurring rat and cockroach infestations and an incident with a wayward family of raccoons in his kitchen; via Twitter to the LAPD regarding a recent break-in resulting in the loss of his previous 58” flatscreen television and gaming system; and via texts and postings to friends and relatives on various social media sites about why Renatta is "always on the rag."