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Madame Rhinoceros

Yesterday I found myself killing time in the cosmetics section at an upscale department store. I don’t generally loiter among the lipstick but I was early for lunch with a friend and was running low on mascara.

Ten minutes in, a chipper young sales clerk with a dolphin tattoo successfully deployed a sales technique that I learned years ago while training for my first retail job. I’m sure there are lots of variations on the technique but I know it as CCI (Compliment, Comment, Introduce).

The basic concept is that if you can make a woman feel insecure in a “friendly” way, she will buy anything. I wish I could tell you that the technique is wrong and it never works and we are all too smart for that…but alas, sadly, it works all the time. We are a manipulative bunch. Yesterday, the conversation went something like this:

Clerk: “Oh my you have such lovely skin!” Customer: “Well thank you very much. I try my best.” Clerk: “You know, you have such unique coloring. I can see how it would be difficult finding the right color pencil to tame those brows. Have you tried one of these?” Customer slumps her shoulders, lifts right hand to eyebrows to smooth them out while left hand reaches for the pencil.…

Five minutes later, Customer walks out with one eyebrow pencil, three eye shadows, foundation primer and countless packets of product samples.

Madame Rhinoceros saw a dress in the window of a shop. It was covered with polka dots and flowers. It was adorned with ribbons and lace. She admired it for a moment and then entered the shop.“That dress in the window,” said Madame Rhinoceros to a salesperson, “I would like to try it on.”Madame Rhinoceros put on the dress. She looked at herself in the mirror. “I do not think this dress is at all attractive on me,” she said.“But Madame,” said the salesperson, “you are completely wrong. This dress makes you look glamorous and alluring.”“If only I were sure,” said Madame Rhinoceros.“Ah, Madame,” said the salesperson, “everyone who sees you wearing this dress will be filled withadmiration and envy.”“Do you really think so?” asked Madame Rhinoceros, turning around and around in front of the mirror.“Absolutely,” said the salesperson. “You have my word.”“Very well,” said Madame Rhinoceros, “I will buy the dress, and I will wear it now.”Madame Rhinoceros left the shop. As she walked up the avenue, she saw that people were smiling and laughing at her.“Admiration,” thought Madame Rhinoceros.She saw some people who were shaking their heads and frowning.“Envy,” thought Madame Rhinoceros.She continued up the avenue. Everyone who saw her stopped and stared. Madame Rhinoceros felt more glamorous and alluring with every step.

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hahahaha! I had nearly forgotten about our old friend Madame Rhinoceros! And don’t feel bad about the makeup -I got suckered into buying a whole house because the real estate agent made us feel insecure about our old one. It could be worse!

Salesperson approaches Rhino. “I see you have your eyes on this, good choice!” Rhino: “yeah, well, I really don’t need any help, thank you, darling”, Salesperson leaves stage.Rhino is VERY abrupt, probably offensive and maybe a hint antisocial, but Rhino doesn’t spend a pence more than intended (unless something comes with a Snoopy and Woodstock printed on it, but that’s guerilla tactics and unavoidable)Rhino works in customer service and doesn’t really believe in the basics. Plus, Salesperson would have a hard time complimenting Rhino on her scruffy Viking Metal shirt, army jacket and leopard patterned Doc Martens. What the hell is an eyebrow pencil?