ephemeral narratives from a convicted gemini

Quarantine Day 21: No April Fools’ Jokes

I am intentionally keeping Q-Day posts as short as possible (goal: under 1000 words) for quick reading, and broke it into 3 sections. Section 1: updates and random thoughts. Section 2: the day’s stats (will NOT include virus stats. If you got time for that, you can look it up yourself). Section 3: random trivia.

The only April Fools today are the idiots who are STILL violating state orders to stay the fuck home and are having parties with DJs and dozens of revelers. And, possibly, Opac’s friends who are unwittingly involved in an epic, and possibly the most inappropriately stupid, April Fools joke of all time.

Started season 3 of Ozark. Episode 1: Marty comes home from work and Does. Not. Wash. His. Hands. Before sitting down to dinner. Three months ago I wouldn’t have even noticed. Doomed to scrutinize every show now for COVID-19 violations.

Veruca sent me a Tik Tok of the kid from Diary of a Whimpy Kid with the comment that “omg he is so hot now!” I don’t know – look him up. You decide. You wanna know who’s hot? Sanjay Gupta demonstrating proper handwashing.

Improvised medicine: taped my trigger finger up last night so it wouldn’t bend while I’m sleeping.

While we’re on the subject of medicine – let it be known that I, after falling onto my knees in the concrete stairwell at work on Monday and seeing my whole life – and possibly my job – pass before my eyes, am practicing mostlyvery safe behaviors from here on out. For the first time in my life. Mostly.

We are now practicing universal masking in our office. Has anyone out there had to wear a mask for 12 solid hours? If you haven’t had to smell your own breath all day long, you have no idea what you’re missing. Let me suggest skipping makeup, avoiding raw onions in your lunch, and packing a toothbrush.

Let me clarify, for one serious moment, that I am VERY grateful I get to wear a mask now. The reason for wearing them is so that WE, ourselves, do not spread infection to others. It does NOT mean we are sick (we would not be working if we were). It means we are doing everything possible to protect our coworkers and patients.

In the last two days I personally have registered half a dozen newborns. I have a feeling this is nothing compared to what we’re going to see in 9 months. You think I’m kidding?

Nitpicking has begun. You’re shouting at me (voice too loud). You left the empty coffee pot on a hot burner. There are crumbs all over the couch. I noticed the front door wasn’t closed all the way. No one took the trash cans to the end of the driveway. Did you wash your hands? The light is still on in the bathroom.

I’m happy to report that not one toilet has been clogged as of this date.

Black Vultures only weigh up to 4.3 pounds, but just one will sound like a herd of rhinos on your roof.

Veruca continues to stay at her dad’s and I don’t know when she will come home. Our two states are under stay-at-home orders. As I am still the “common denominator,” I still feel it is best for her to stay put. However, I am hoping to re-evaluate this in the next week or so. I miss her terribly.

Thanks to the Garth Brooks special the other night Todd is now singing Garth songs and I’ve now got Friends in Low Places.

Opac is the only one playing an April Fools joke on friends. I just want to get through this day without being his victim at some point. I’m in no mood…

Who wants to re-write their bucket list? < working on it.

Found an article yesterday about “22 Things You Can Do With Your Partner” during this time. I’ll be exploring this with Todd in the next post.

Joy is being released today. ETA unavailable. Stay tuned.

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Today’s stats:

Mental Health: 8

Physical Health: 8 (-1 for sore teeth from clenching in my sleep and -1 for the pain in my left knee, see above)

Alcohol: 8 (restocking was achieved on Monday before lockdown orders went into effect)

Books read: Plan to start Pachinko today.

Today’s T-shirt: Neon Museum T-shirt (Las Vegas)

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With no further explanation I offer these random tidbits:

Lake Superior is the world’s largest freshwater lake at 31,700 square miles – roughly the size of Maine. It holds enough water to cover North and South America under one foot of water.

There are more bourbon barrels in Kentucky than there are people. (Bourbon trail = Bucket list!)

Ohio was founded in 1803 but, due to an oversight by the 8th Congress, it was not formally admitted to the United States until 1953. (Think our government is incompetent?)

In Scottsboro, Alabama there’s an unclaimed baggage center that is open to the public to purchase unclaimed items. Apparently attracts more than 800,000 shoppers annually. (Bucket list!)

You can get a Unicorn Hunting License from Lake Superior State University. The Unicorn Hunters were created in 1971 and there’s a bit about “Word Banishment” that I highly recommend checking out. Please be advised that this is completely above-board. It is ABSOLUTELY NOT the same “unicorn hunting” as defined by the Urban Dictionary.

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