Random Thoughts on Sorority Rush

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I imagine that sorority rush is as exciting of a time for the readers of TFM as it always was for me. Sorority rush marks the true beginning of yet another glorious year of college. I always loved rush, and was always excited for it, even in my fifth year, when I was both acutely and apathetically aware of the fact that the freshman girls parading from sorority to sorority were in eighth grade barely in high school when I had started college.

You don’t have conscious memories of Desert Storm? God that’s hot.

Sorority rush is such a glorious time that you don’t even mind waking up, wickedly hungover, to your female neighbors melodically shrieking their letters at terrified freshman waiting near the threshold of the sorority house. Nothing says “welcome” quite like a choir of banshees intimi-smiling you to death. Somewhere inside that house, inexplicably, is a rush captain (or whatever they’re called) with a pulsating neck vein and on the brink of aneurism, who somehow doesn’t think her sisters are scream-singing loud enough. If there was a signer at recruitment interpreting the sorority songs for a deaf girl she’d be signing the Greek letters with one hand and punching the deaf girl in the face with the other. But yeah, your girls probably aren’t loud enough.

If someone doesn’t get that rush captain a vodka water, or maybe some dick, she’s going to be sitting on the sorority balcony, shirtless, with a cigarette and a rifle, putting mouthy sophomores in her crosshairs.

Wait, what? You were born after Schindler’s List came out? God that’s hot.

Did you know that every sorority is the best sorority at skit day? This is true. Every sorority. Or so they’d have you believe. While there are definitely some skits that are genuinely funny, I wouldn’t take the word of PNMs to heart. A quarter of them would have said it was hilarious no matter what, even if you had spent the entire time reading aloud an embarrassing entry from a PNM’s junior high diary about how her mom passed out on Prozac and merlot the day she got her first period and the mailman had to take her to the pharmacy to buy tampons. Another quarter is just lying. The third group was impressed mostly because you were the first one they saw so they weren’t totally burned out on Hunger Games/Twilight/Real Housewives/Jersey Shore/Taylor Swift jokes yet. The last fourth, yeah, they thought it was funny.

How many pop culture references does it take to pop culture reference a pop culture reference?

Watching sorority rush as a guy is like watching Olympic gymnastics. You only have a vague idea of what’s going on. You also have no idea what the actual rules are, but apparently there are a lot, and chances are someone is getting deducted for something at any given moment, like stepping over the line. Literally, there are lines you can’t step over at certain schools. If you do? DEDUCTIONS! Or something, I’m not really sure how that works. Regardless of how it works, some fraternity guy should grow a bushy mustache and be there to give creepy, prolonged hugs and kisses to any of the girls that accidentally earn their house a deduction, à la a gymnastics coach. Admit it girls, that would be better than having that rush captain rip out your soul and shit all over it. Why is it that when they scream at you to “get back to the kitchen” it isn’t demeaning? DOUBLE STANDARD. Also like gymnastics, you watch the entire thing with a certain level of self accepted shame.

At least all these girls are 18-years-old. Except for that one who went to kindergarten early because her parents thought she was really good at playing with blocks or some shit. Beware of her.

You were born the same month Friends premiered on TV? God that’s hot. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!

Advice to all 4-year-olds: suck at playing with blocks, puzzles, etc. If you excel academically at too early of an age your dumbass parents might push you ahead in school and one day you’ll end up celebrating your 21st birthday halfway through your senior year of college. How does anyone even think that’s a good idea unless their child is a certified genius? “Hey honey! Let’s push our child into school early so that we have less time to save for their college tuition, stunt their college social lives, and shove them into the real world early!” Oh, also, if you do that, unless you put your kid on their age appropriate teams they’ll probably get dominated in sports for years.

You know girls are excited to get their bid or be done with rush week when they can casually deflect the raucous, wildly offensive welcoming committee of fraternity men that greets them when they get back to Greek Town/Greek Village/whatever you call it at your school. I have watched and heard some hilarious and/or really mean shit upon the girls’ arrival to their new homes. A short list:

Rob Fox (né Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Rob is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co