Saturday, August 15, 2015

From a Ten Year Old Journal: "Mommy Richest"

I have kept written and comic journals since the 1990s, and sometimes it's interesting to go back and see what the "you" of ten years ago or in my case even 25 years ago wrote. The oldest journal I have goes back to 1990. I do regret throwing out some journals, though but I remember doing so because they were written some of my depressed times in life, and I felt worried about people reading them one day and thinking bad things about me. It was kind of dumb, because I wish I had kept them though I did rip out many pages from them and keep those in a folder. I do go through my old comic journals to pick the "best of" from my comic journals, and this is one way I see how things panned out. It gave me perspective to know even 15 years ago, my troubles with the family were deep rooted and there was no changing what eventually happened where I had to walk away. These problems were not new things. The ongoing meanness and cruelty was long in standing. It shows the state of mine of someone in the VERY LOW CONTACT mode which I was in for 15 years, not realizing the true nature of narcissism. I gasp to think of what I put up with now.

I wrote this around 2005:

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"Mommy Richest"

What to make of this. I'm 37 years old and still can't relax around her except now instead of yelling and crying like when I was young, it's all tight faced politeness. I learned long ago emotions would be used against me as in the meanest court of law. She thinks I am the dumbest and fattest person on the planet as she last week tells me, "I was watching the Today show and there is a new weight loss surgery out." I actually heard about it three years ago long before the FDA approved it. She ignored this comment. She continued, "I'll pay for it, if you get it.". This brought me back to the time she told me, when I was around 22 years old and at most 60-70lbs overweight, "I'll pay you a thousand dollars to become normal, lose weight and the money is yours!" Yes, she said it that way!

My mother doesn't know me and appearances rule her life with mainstream media informing her on what to think wear and be. In an ironic twist of fat, she is wealthy about to marry an even more well off man who buys her fancy rings, she never lets a new jewel past my notice. Last week she got a new sapphire blue ring and waved it in front of my face. "You'll never own one of these!", she said.

She can be generous on occasion but there is a pound of flesh for every dime. It doesn't make up for the years of abuse either. I would rather have some understanding then money and a family that would not just see my apartment as just a place to stop for ten minutes and unload their old furniture they'd otherwise be taking to the dump. Normal people have their families visit them for dinner. Instead even my husband noticed and said, "They don't come for real visits and never have in seven years" [note at that point we had been married since 1998--basically 7 years]. My mother lives across the socio-economic divide incapable of understanding what life is like free of shopping for recreation and even trying to understand. She insultingly exclaimed to me, "Your husband will never amount to anything!" [note at this time in 2005, my husband worked as a small town newspaper assistant editor, and would be laid off in 2006 from this job]

She doesn't realize how people have to live. It wouldn't be so bad except she doesnt realize its hard to be perfect when you can't afford new furniture or replace something once it has the smallest stain. I literally horrify my mother just being who I am. As a child, she flinched to hear my third grade teacher tell her I was testing at genius levels, she told a friend early on, "My daughter is weird and not like other children." It goes deeper then just my weight though, my mother who is wealthy, popular and neat, and then gave birth to her complete opposite. Doesn't it make sense I always thought I was adopted. I suppose in my sister she was rewarded by God, the perfect daughter. Even my brother and his wife jokingly call her "Mini-Me". Both keep their houses like museums. I am a couple of hundred thousand dollars short and throw a maid in because I never been able to clean that well.

The worse thing is never being able to share any ideas or thoughts, we don't speak the same language whatsoever. She talks to me like I live in a hole and haven't cracked a book in years. I did sever things with her twice even leaving home and cutting her off for several years. I had to save myself and my rotten self esteem which learned learn the world was even meaner then my mother regarding appearances, weight and money. It is not always easy having a relationship with someone you always feel has you under a microscope and constant reminders of how since time immemorial you have failed miserably in life. These things are unspeakable to even mention but all summed up in a moment acouple months ago as I traveled the only one time ever as an adult, to save gas money to see some relatives after a long time, we stopped at this veggie stand in the southern part of my rural county and this lady and her children who were quite poor, and had dirty clothes and unkept hair, since they obviously had been working out in the fields came out to bag the vegetables and get paid. My mother screamed, "Stay in the car, oh they are disgusting!, I don't want them touching us!" I said as she got back in the car, horrified by her hate of these people, "Don't you understand, they are poor, its not like they woke up today thinking let's be poor!"

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I still remember that day. My husband was at work, so I was dealing with all the narcissists alone. I think for me that was the beginning of the end, watching her pure and utter hatred for those people, who were simple hard working farmers getting help from their children that summer. For some reason it remained another central point for the definition of her character to me. I had gone with her to visit my relatives in another state who lived 100 miles south. This was basically my grandmother's house surrounded by the other houses of relatives. I didn't know it at the time but I would never be back. That would be my last time there. It has been ten years.

On the way down, she drove like a bat out of hell and used a fuzz-buster to elude police while her average car speed hit 90 miles an hour. I felt fortunate to be alive. This was the time in life when I was "still trying". I wanted to have a family. My sister was coming from her state to visit at my grandmother's house and I wanted to see my nieces and nephews. That was the day the whole family ripped my head off for having a political view they disagree. I invited myself down and talked her into driving me. My rural town was on her way down there, but that was the first time I had been in the car with her for any trip since I had been on my own as an adult. She resented my presence and yelled at me the whole down--in my thirties for fidgeting in the car and for being too fat to barely fit in the seat.

Aunt Confused once told me, "Your mother cares much more about her siblings then her own children". It's true. She had her family while taking mine away. I don't have one to go visit anymore. I never have one. There's times I think about that trip and how insane it was and how hated I truly was. Why it would take me some years to make the decision to go no contact, I knew at that point things were never going to change and I knew how much without a doubt how much the family hated me. That's one reason I never went back down there.

You could have been built like Natalie Wood and she would have hated you. That's whats so hard to get across to others. I was thinking back about the infamous farm I always talk about. My mother had left it to my second wife as long as we were getting a divorce. When we reconciled she took her out of the will. She might as well have stated "I want to leave my assets to anyone but my children". I had forgotten that until the other day. So when we tell people from normal families that our parents hated us. They expect us to follow up with a damn good reason. My weight, my disobedience in the school I chose to attend and the career I sought. My addictions. That they hate you because they gave birth to you doesn't compute to them. Or us either.

I agree, when I think back, I was just as hated at thinner times of life, I never was thin but I was far smaller. Even when I lost a huge chunk of weight down from near 700 to the mid 400s [this would have been the time I moved to my old rural town]that got me no encouragement either. I think they were angry we have stayed alive. Yes your mother was up to funny business even back then. She was planning to screw you over from the start. I think back on the many betrayals and there are lies I have caught only distance allowed me to see. I think of the things said to me and what they meant at the time. People from normal families don't get it. I've had my ass burned even daring to tell someone I knew for two years how much my family hated me and no one was left. I am noticing my closest friends in life all were abused because the ones with "normal" families always end up judging me. The ex-friend from town here had this giant family who loved her even with siblings 20 years older then me, still visiting, calling and caring. They do assume something is wrong with you to be so hated. They want us to have a reason, they don't understand that there are people who have no consciences, that will even hate their own child just for the jollies it gives them. I was going to write on this but delayed it but mine hated me very very very early on. I remember being only 3-4 years old and thinking "My mother hates me". That sketch book from age 5 says it all. There is a very early memory of even going happily into the bathroom going "Mommy Mommy" and she shoved me away on the floor saying "Leave me alone!". That of course happened more often then not. Anyone who tells others that a 5-6 year old sucks because they want to live with their aunt more then with her, is a real piece of work.

The way your mother treated you while riding together in her car reminds me of the way my brother acted with me. They couldn't stand us, and only seemed to put up with us because they "had to".

My brother is six years older than me. When we were children, most of the time he was verbally and physically aggressive towards me. Then, from when I was 15-16 on he seemed to change and become friendly. It took me some twenty years to realize he hadn't really changed at all. It was just an act to use me: help him with his academic papers, fix his computer, give him money... From time to time, amid his "nice" act he would have angry outbursts or show irritation with me. I now know it was his true nature showing. I've been NC with him for five years now, and even longer with my parents.

I guess he adapted to being born into a narcissistic family by becoming the abuser. (And conveniently he had a target in the form of a younger brother - me.) He became like mother, that is. Actually improved on her, it being that as an adult he became more covert, more cunning, and thus more dangerous than her. In the family dynamics, they were the "superior" half of our nuclear family. I was regarded as more like my father, who was a victim of their abuse and a scapegoat, though in the end I don't think any better of him either. In my rebellion against mother's abuse, my father took her side and acted as a flying monkey. His main concern seemed always to be to keep his wife happy or not angered, and to that end he was willing to throw even his own children under the bus. He is a traitor.

Like you, Peep, I have nobody left. You are not alone in this. The impact of our backgrounds is so pervasive, it feels like a life gone wrong. But we can talk about it, and maybe help someone in a similar situation. Even help someone younger to pull out before we did and with less damage.

Sorry Nenad that you got treatment like this too from your brother. My mother hated that I was going. I wanted to see my sister and remember talking her into it. This is sad, but she never really wanted me around ever even to visit her house, when she would not talk to me. She wanted me around just enough to keep track of me and that is it. It's like the Christmas present drop-off of 2012. Walk in, dump the presents and walk out. She's done her duty. I found it interesting her husband didn't say anything like, "How can you do this to your mother?" He knows she hates my guts. It shows.Mine couldn't stand me and only put up with me too for the sake of appearances. This applied to Mini-Me definitely by the time I was out of college. It really applies to the whole family. My contact is only on a social website with a few of them, and there isn't phone calls and some I haven't seen in 10 years. There's no family. I went no contact with over 16.

Sorry your brother did the fake thing to get you to help him with stuff. That's narcs for you. As you know I had to do a lot of my sister's school work and she never helped me with anything, except once she sent me some gluten free food on the gluten free diet which didn't work that wasn't my problem, severe Lipedema was, but even that smacked of "We need to make her thin to stop embarrassing us". Anyhow my sister was middle class and married while I was dying in the ghetto, so where was she? She didn't even have kids to take care of back then.

I am glad you went NC with your brother. I'm NC with the Mini-Me. VLC with my brother. I don't think my brother cares about me either. My mother is far far more important to him. Sure he told me when he was facing a health crisis and I worried, but obviously I have been very sick myself though no surgeries and no one came around.

Some become abusers and just like the narc parent. Your brother probably modeled himself on the narcs. My sister did. My sister has no feelings and never cries. It scares the crap out of me. It's terrible to see one brother turn on another. Being male he may actually be able to up the ante on the narcdom. I don't see Mini-Me becoming more dangerous or as dangerous as my mother in my case, her IQ is too low. She doesn't have the cunning. She is a narc without any friends except who her husband or clubs bring to the door, while my mother was Mrs. Popular.

Sorry your father was an enabler, I don't think much of flying monkeys either. My father a narc too but probably a lesser one then my mother, never stood up for me once. It makes me sick how the entire family always put her first and where I was nobody and nothing. The enablers cause us hell. I am NC with some flying monkey and weak types who were butt-kissers to the narc and who threw me under the bus like Aunt Scapegoat. I see a series of weak men all kowtowing to narcs within my extended family. continuing...

Your father was like mine, a traitor. I told my father about my mother's abuse several times and even her lies and he never believed me. He joined her in abusing me and putting me down. I think my father wanted to have some connection with me at one point but she worked to destroy it. I consider him an enabler too, even if a fellow-co narc. So yes your father was a traitor. So was mine in allowing my mother to destroy me and believing every lie out of her mouth. He was sick towards the later years and lucid, and he did nothing to help me. He left her everything, while I was almost dead of my disabilities and nondiagnosis in Chicago. are not alone in this. The impact of

I am sorry too you have no one left. I even consider giving up on the VLC ones, and they are very few in number. They are like strangers I once used to know like the kid in the back of my English class in high school. Yes with my disabilities and poverty added in, it does feel like a life gone wrong. I always hate to see this happen to someone else. We do feel very alone in the world. If I didn't have my husband, I probably would have died years ago. My friends were young and could only help so much back then. I hope I can help others too and I do want young people to get out much sooner and where there is less damage and where they are not like me getting out when they are old after their entire life has been crushed, and wasting years on trying to earn the love of people who hate their guts. At least I can say this, I did get some happy years in my old town, and was smart enough to LIVE far away from them all. Right now I'm working on reclaiming some happiness. I tell young people when I encounter them on message boards to flee like the wind. I went back because I was very sick, disabled and needed help and while I can forgive myself for it, it was a mistake. I have pondered the years knowing the affect of the hate, disdain and more. Seeing these writings in my old journals has woken me up and there's no doubt to my NC decision now. I wish I had left long long ago.

My father never really seemed interested in me. Nor, as much as I can remember, in my brother either. He was physically present all my childhood and beyond, he worked and provided for the family financially, he even built us a new home - but he left virtually all childrearing to my malignant narcissist mother. He never acted as a father to us. Even when he worked around the house and I was old enough to help or learn some of what he was doing, he would basically send me away - say things like "I can manage", "I don't need you". Maybe he could manage, but that wasn't the main point: I never got to bond with him, and I wasn't learning how to do stuff. I tried once again to get closer to him as an adult, but again no luck.

I speculate that maybe he didn't want children at all, and only did it because my mother wanted it and/or it was expected by society.

My mother, on the other hand, viewed children as possessions. I may have mentioned this earlier, but the last straw that made me go NC with her was that when she got so mad at her own brother that she cut all contact with him, she demanded that I, too, stop seeing him. And I was around 30 years old. The concept of me being the judge of who I will and won't see appears to completely elude her.

I'm glad you had some happy years in your old town. I feel the same way myself: the happiest period of my life was in my late 20s in the city where I attended college. I was away from my family, I was trying to establish an adult life, and I was coming out from my nearly lifelong social anxiety and isolation. Eventually I even felt I had found a "real" family in the circle of people I shared interests with. I wanted to remain there to live permanently.

Then, it happened that as a foreign national I couldn't stay. Like you, I was feeling I was being ripped away from my real home. I made the mistake of going back "home" to my parents; in hindsight, I know I should have gone anywhere but. I still feel geographically too close to them and would like to move farther.

Sorry your father was not interested in you. My father abused my brother but spent far more time with him. I was just kind of there too and my father was a workaholic, so either at work or endless projects around the house that my NM demanded. His insistence on being perfect and moving up the ranks was demanded by her. I don't understand people who take no interest in their children, I never had any but it's beyond my scope of understanding. It sounds like your brother bonded well formed narc bonding with your mother. My mother spent all her time with my sister and ignored me.

Its horrible when these E fathers leave all the child rearing to NM mothers. Why don't they ever step in? They never did. My father obeyed everyone of my mother's commands and was often used as a rage-filled weapon against us. It didn't take much to send him off either and my mother play that like a instrument.

It is sad he never taught you how to do anything. My brother was taught a few things but I would just be yelled at or told I was hopeless and learned NOTHING. I remember watching him do car repairs, and home repairs, and I didn't learn squat most of the time I was too afraid to ask questions or watch too intently. It sickens me now that I had this father who knew how to build things, fix computers, fix cars, and I learned diddly squat, just how to check my own oil, that's it. Sounds like it was same for you and it's worse since you were male and that is a more expected bond. You are right he maybe never wanted children. I think my parents saw children as something you were supposed to do, and really neither were really cut out for the job. We were supposed to be trophies and reflect well, just like all the rest of the kids in the family seem to be. Oddly the millennial generation within my narc family seem like the most passive, obedient, school-excelling generation I have ever seen. Is teen rebellion not a THING anymore?

That crosses endless boundaries that she told you who to talk to. Mine simply lied about me and got me cut off even from people who were enemies of HER! She had a way of doing this and even managed it with my brother's ex wife.

Im glad you got some happy years too. We all need them. My 30s after I escaped Chicago to a small town and lived through hell even though I was very very ill and almost died in 2001, I was happy in the small town. My husband was working in newspapers and got a book published in 2003. We weren't rich and were working class and short of money but there seemed to be hope back then. People talked to me and treated me like a human being unlike this place. I had friends at church and at the co-op where we did music and I held an art show. Sadly some of my friends there died and my church closed. I have social website contact with some of them who are left. So yes you had that time too trying to establish an adult life. I think one thing that has affected me is how often the "found families" are lost. Why did I have so many friends die when it seems all of my mothers are alive? I never wanted to move but we were under severe economic pressure, I can't support the both of us on disability and my husband had been unemployed for a year and half after a job lay-off and then we moved here and he lost the job we moved for. So yes even being Aspie and I'm not saying it was perfect I remember some happy days where there were people to talk to and one felt like they looked forward to life. It was the first place I ever felt like I had a home as my narc parents ripped me from three places as a child and we were the family that always lived hundreds of miles fro all the relatives while they had each other. Sorry you could not stay as a foreign national and you made the mistake of going back to your "parents". I live 70 miles from the closest relative and that feels too close to that particular one but its over 200-300 from the rest. Too many losses take a toll on people. I feel like this world is a very lonely place. Even all my in-laws died off but I was not close to them, they did not approve of the marriage because of my disabilities. I hope things improve for you and you find a "new" home. I hope I do too. I have tried so hard with this place.

I've looked back and feel bad for not telling my father what went on during the day when he was at work. But my sister basically did just that and my mother accused her of lying about things and my father sided with my mother. Sided with her is not technically accurate. After her trial they moved out and didn't invite my sister to come live with them. In hind site they left me behind too. I was just too stupid to understand they didn't want any reminders of their past life which is exactly what I was.

It seems like it wouldn't have worked anyway if your sister tried and failed. I had that happen too where my father always sided with my mother. She would tell flat out lies and succeeded in destroying whatever relationship there was. So sorry they left you both behind. I really do not understand the enablers who defend them nor understand why people always believe narcissists first. I faced this with the ex-friend who believed someone's lies and smear campaigns. I barely even knew this other person but it didn't matter. Narcissists always seem to manipulate the undying and sychophantic loyalty of others. Hey Q do you have email?

There is still hope for you, little Peep -- look at the connections you've made here. That alone is worth all the bogus stuff that impresses the people we're not in contact with. If I haven't impressed anything else on you, it's that there is hope, because you have someone who cares about you: me. --Mr. Peep

Dear, doesn't she realize you're diabetic, you cannot have operations?Diabetics cannot get this surgery.A famous comedian, woman,years ago, had similar condition; she was warned to not have cosmetic surgery. She did it anyway. Her body got very sick,had to go in hospital. all her fans prayed for her.But she lost a leg;then, she died. she was so dumb to get surgery when she was diabetic, it killed her! true story, I remember when it happened. :( tell your mom this true story! she needs to get out of Da-Nile! Leave that to Cleopatra.

I never told her I was diabetic. Guess she knows now. Odd since there are no other diabetics in the family....It was weakness she would have exploited and since I was not on insulin at that time, I just kept my mouth shut about it. A bunch of her office friends had weight loss surgery and got sick, so she later changed her tune about it but that didn't stop the lectures about me being fat. I believe that surgery kills. It wouldn't work on me either.