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Saturday, August 27, 2011

An Open Letter to the New York Yankees

Dear Yankees,

My name is Derwood Morris and I am speaking on behalf of all frustrated Yankees fans in regards to a person by the name of A.J. Burnett. Maybe you remember Mr. Burnett-he's the guy on the team everyone hates. Well, to put it quite simply: we've had enough. We've had enough of the 36-pitch innings; we've had enough of him not getting out of the third inning; we've had enough of the diarrhea accidents on the mound (speculation).

When a pitcher has more tattoos than perfect innings, that's a problem.

[NOTE: at last count it was unofficially 67-to-59 tattoos, according to my 7th grade algebra teacher, Elias]

Just for a sample of the horrific pitching we've had to endure, here are Burnett's five August starts:

I'll give you a second to excuse yourself to the bathroom and throw up tacos......

Great, everyone's back.

Listen, I remember about a month ago when I saw Bruce Chen's name penciled in as the Royals' starting pitcher and thought "at least A.J. Burnett isn't as bad as Bruce Chen." But you know what? That was disrespectful to Bruce Chen.

Let me repeat that sentence, except this time all of the words are capitalized: THAT WAS DISRESPECTFUL TO BRUCE CHEN.

Do you want to make Carl Pavano and Kei Igawa sympathetic figures? Because that's what is eventually going to happen if you keep letting this buffoon pitch against Major League hitters.

"Every time A.J. Burnett gives up a three-run home run, Kei Igawa gets his wings."

- Little girl outside the Trenton Thunder box office

Here's a text message I received from a fellow Yankees fan after Friday's loss to Baltimore:

"I'm on my way to Maryland to punch him in the face and kidnap him to keep him away from the Yankees."

I think that sums up everyone's feelings.

But we don't want him to go away completely. Let's get some value out of that ridiculous contract that you gave him before the 2009 season even though you were basically bidding against yourselves. Here are a few suggestions for what to do with Burnett:

1. Put him in the bullpen, but not to warm up and come in to pitch, but to catch.
2. Have him get a tattoo on his chest that reads I CAN'T GET OUT ANY WHITESOX.
3. Usher in section 324 during the odd-numbered innings.
4. Have him get a tattoo on his back that reads I CAN'T GET OUT ANY ORIOLES EITHER.
5. Convince him that he is a pigeon named David. Enroll him in pigeon school.
6. Francisco Cervelli's personal chauffeur.

Those are just a few ideas.

If you won't listen to me, at least listen to Glen the Movementarian, Barney, Otto, Skinner and Moe: