Mind Your Own Body: An Open Letter to Body Shamers

Mind Your Own Body (MYOB)

This isn’t my usual blog post, but I cannot think of a more appropriate time to write it because the problem of body shaming and body obsession has got to stop.

So screw keywords and SEO and perfect titles…this is raw and real.*

Dear Body Shamers:

Earlier today – on the eve of my 2017 Women’s Strength Summit website going live, oh the irony –it’s become abundantly clear, yet again, that there is still much work to do to change this conversation about women’s bodies.

My Instagram post simply says, “Remember, YOU get to define what strong means to you. #HarderToKill”

And buried deep down in the comments, came this:

If you came with popcorn and just want the TL;DR…

It’s this:

Body obsession has got to stop. Period. And it starts with you. And me.

Where do I even start unpacking this?

I don’t know Ms. Lehman whatsoever. I considered blurring out her screen name but then, I know y’all would just go look at the Instagram post anyway. She made the comment publicly and it is my public profile, so fair’s fair.

The point of this post isn’t to shame her back or go after her or leave rude comments. In fact, I want you to leave her alone, though I’m hoping she sees this post. This isn’t the first instance of body shaming the world has ever seen, and it certainly won’t be the last.

If you troll, you’re stooping down to that level.

I want you to begin seeing conversations around body shaming like this clearly.

Rise, we must.

[bctt tweet=”Body obsession has got to stop. Period. And it starts with you. And me.” username=”stupideasypaleo”]

You Can Have Your Opinions…

Seriously, it’s fine that my body is “not attractive” to Ms. Lehman (which is quite fortunate since I’m the one living in it, not her).

Imagine the self-loathing.

Oh wait, I can. I’ve lived it.

Seven, ten, twenty years ago, a comment like that would’ve sent me into a mental and emotional tailspin. I battled with body dysmorphia as recently as 2010, believing that my 130 pound body was fat, deformed…and wrong.

I vividly remember, at the height of triathlon season (middle photo), when the scale dipped to a low of 128. Momentary elation was replaced by the feeling of absolute emptiness. I still wasn’t “happy.” WTF, that’s not how it was supposed to work.

It took a long time, and a lot of work, to be okay with myself. I had to sit in the soup and make forward progress only to cha-cha backwards and then forwards again. The path has seen many failures, but nowadays, it’s pretty common for me not to think at all about the size, fatness, thinness, muscly-ness, tone, wrinkliness, or whatever about my body.

It matters a lot more to me how I feel…

Strong, capable, healthy, energized, vibrant, alive.

So really, I don’t give a single shit what anyone says about my body or if it doesn’t match up with their likes. But I’m lucky to be on the other side.

It’s taken me a lifetime to not need the opinions or validation of others to prop up my slipping self-worth. But here’s my regret….

Many, many women I know and work with aren’t there yet.

And they read hurtful comments, internalize them, and believe that they’re worthless for having big quads or cellulite (hey, thanks for pointing that out…like I didn’t ever notice!) or a weird nose.

And those words become the very fiber of their being, their neurochemicals, their gut biota…

…with the power to heal or the power to make them sick.

When I started this website, it was purely for funsies. But now, I realize I have a duty and a purpose and a responsibility beyond making recipes.

It’s to speak for women, the vulnerable, the shamed, and the hopeless. The women who cannot, for whatever reason, see that they are beautiful and worthy simply because they are.

(Sometimes I feel like The Lorax, just with less facial hair.)

It’s to help women get stronger in body, mind, and spirit so they can latch onto the tiniest, most minuscule shred of self-belief that they are worth it. And then the grip strengthens, and they grow and learn and expand into what they’ve always wanted to be.

Insulting, rude, uncalled for comments made across screens instead of into someone’s eyes are like a sick game now. Our social media obsessed world has meshed with body obsession to form the most grotesque of Frankensteins: people who believe their word has no bond, consequences, or repercussions.

It’s a little too much YOLO and not enough, “Hmmm, lemme think about that one first.”

Never in human history has it been so easy to write something only to have it disappear as soon as our notifications slide off the screen. Keyboard warriors have become the modern equivalent of gladiators, duking it out in endless word battles, only the wounds are invisible.

Reality TV and mass media have made it effortless to become consummate voyeurs…now there’s no penalty for spying into your neighbor’s hut or talking shit about their wife’s body hair. The social element of being held accountable, of looking in someone’s face, is gone.

I read in a book (The Shallows, I think) about parents who made their son FaceTime his grandparents if he wanted to cancel their weekly visit. The sheer act of looking them in the face (digitally, anyway) and seeing their disappointment was more visceral than any text could ever be.

Would Ms. Lehman say that to me if we were looking each other in the eye? Doubtful.

As much as I’d like to believe I’m innocent in all this, I’m not. (Remember, I’ve read Byron Katie.)

It’s so easy to get sucked in to commenting on other people’s bodies, to put them down, and to gossip, so I’m doubling down on my efforts to do better. I can only expect to see change in the world when I start with myself.

Let’s See Body Obsession For What It Really Is…

I’m frankly tired of the “we’re all just biological creatures looking for a mate” excuse. It’s one thing to find someone physically attractive. It’s quite another to spend a good portion on your waking hours obsessed about your own – or someone else’s – body.

Seriously, for one day, I challenge you to make a hash mark on a sticky note every time you talk – or consume media like trash mags or gossip shows – about someone else’s body.

Better yet, keep track of how many times a day you make comments or engage in negative self-talk about your own body. Do it, and send me a comment when you have a number.

I have to wonder…how much is body obsession a way to avoid dealing with your stuff? What else could you do with that time and energy?

How about practice self-care, go to bed earlier, build a business, take a walk, go on an adventure, have lunch with a friend, have sex, cook a meal, plant a garden…I dunno, the possibilities seem pretty endless to me.

Furthermore, this ol’ chestnut just won’t die: Bodyweight and health status are not mutually causative.

Ms. Lehman’s implication is that my body isn’t “toned” and therefore not “healthy” especially since I am “overweight” and have “cellulite.”

(Curiously, I’m also manly because I have muscle? Oh, most unholy of trinities! Body fat, manly muscle, and appearing overweight!)

I could give numerous examples of how low to “normal” (according to BMI? lol) bodyweight isn’t synonymous with “health” or vice versa. It’s just common sense.

We have got to stop elevating bodyweight to this godlike status or worse, synonymous with a person’s worth. Are we really that shallow and jaded? It’s not a be all, end all.

For someone like me with a well-muscled frame, it’s an even more misleading metric. In case you haven’t yet, get rid of your goddamn bathroom scale. Now. Go. Throw it in the trash can. I’ll wait.

The Double Standard is Real

Now, I know from conversations with men in my life that body image / body shaming is real for them. It happens, it worries them, and it hurts them, too.

But I need you to get real aware about something right now:

The kind of body shaming and body obsession perpetuated against women today (often byother women) is a very real form of internalized misogyny.

Yes, I just went there.

Never before has it been harder to be a woman with a body which is unfortunate because that’s roughly 51% of the populace.

Most of Ms. Lehman’s comment was purely opinion. Again, she’s entitled to it, though it didn’t add anything productive to the conversation…just another drive-by shaming. But the most concerning part to me was the very end:

“Being able to lift weights and look like a man doesn’t make a woman equal with anything.”

We’ve got to develop awareness when it comes to internalized misogyny…even within ourselves. We have to hold ourselves to a higher standard.

To be clear: I don’t lift weights to look like a man, be like a man, or strive for equality with men.

I lift weights because I love it.

I love feeling the resistance against my body. It keeps my mind sharp and makes me pay attention, focusing on the present.

I love the feeling of accomplishing something I maybe didn’t think I could.

I love the mental, physical, and emotional challenge.

I love how it makes me feel alive.

And I realize, it’s not for everyone. Not everybody loves those things, and that’s fine.

Pin this right now to help change the conversation

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Comments

Jensays:

I was very recently on the receiving end of a body shaming comment/question by a man. A guy I haven’t seen or talked to in over 5 years started chatting me up on Facebook and apparently decided to go through my photos. He then decided to ask me a “real question — did you like gain 100 lbs. lol” now I’m the first to admit I’ve gained weight. It’s something I’m working on and It’s a real emotional issue for me- but the weight is no where near 100 lbs. so it burned even more. I was so upset by not only the number but the idea that he thought he had a right to say something like shaming me into what weight loss? Poor self-esteem? And despite still feeling horrible about his comments and internalizing and obsessing over it. I can’t stop feeling guilty that I was offended over the number as well as his belief that he had a right to comment or question my body. So thank you for this post Steph. We all can do better about body shaming. Enough is enough.

I came to your blog a while back out of curiosity and found truth. You have helped me along in the health and fitness journey I began more than two and a half years ago. So much of the information out there contributes to failure and loss of self because it sets impossible performance standards. You have been the most straightforward and realistic champion of people like myself. So, continue to preach it, sister!

You rock. Celebrate that you are in a good place to put this kind of comment in the context & perspective that it deserves. I feel empathy for someone who feels the need to put a comment like this for someone so clearly dedicated to her well being. So not helpful. We need to support & lift one another up…anything else is not helpful.

Thanks for this post… as a father of two girls and husband to a wife who has just gone through a year of breast cancer surgery where her body will never be the same I can very much relate to the sensitivities of body shaming. We strive to teach our girls to accept who they are no matter what shape or size they may be. I also grew up in a dysfunctional family that shamed everyone for any anomaly and etched body image issues in all of us. As 46 year old male, I still struggle with accepting my own body… Let’s never be complacent. Also, as we live in Paris, we are bombarded with images of extremely thin women in fancy clothes and lingerie. My wife is a star at having open conversations with my girls about accepting their bodies.

Yes! Thank you! Nothing is more powerful than a strong woman both mind and body. I’ve struggled with body image for years as most woman do. I’ve recently lost too much weight due to stress and illness. In my 20’s I would have embraced the weight loss. Now in my 40’s the goal is healthy weight gain with muscle and curves. As a nurse I’m constantly frustrated by the emphasis of BMI knowing world class athletes often fall in the obese BMI category which is ridiculous! There is beauty in strength!

Thank you for this post. I’m 43. Not one day of my life, not once have I ever been happy with how I look, my body, or any part of my outward self. Since I was a child, I don’t remember a day when I wasn’t hyper aware of my body and how I hate it. I see pictures of my younger self and I can see the beauty of her, but I can’t correlate that to myself now. When my husband tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, all I hear are lies. I’m 43 and time is running out for me to love myself. Posts like this make me feel like I might some day get there

Hi friend. Time is not running out for you – or any of us! I’m 46 and have had some of the same thoughts of myself all these years. I just know that every day, every minute is a new one to make a different decision, not a life changing one, just a right now decision. 🙂 Time is running out!!

Amen to everything you’ve said. I wanted to comment to say that there are so many times you’ve posted yourself doing a lift, etc, where I wanted to compliment you on how amazing and strong your body looks, but I stopped myself because I know it’s not about that. I don’t want to be part of the problem by making it about how you look, especially with all the great fitness and nutrition inspiration you give. But there it is.

When people have negative things to say like that, all I can think is “misery loves company.” Maybe once they get their own heads right, they won’t be so concerned about what other people are doing.

Just wanted to tell you that this blog post is very powerful. I am a huge advocate for self confidence in women and I hope that the people reading this will stop with the body shamming comments. I too, have clients that don’t see their self worth and how beautiful they are. We need more people like you writing posts like this. Thank you!

When did I first notice I had cellulilte? When I was 18. When I was 5’10” and around 105 lbs. That was my natural and normal and not even close to worrying about what I ate weight at the time. That’s when I had tone and abs. And I had cellulite on the backs of my thighs.

Now I’m 42. I weigh 150 lbs. I like this weight. I have cellulite and stretch marks and loose belly skin. I am not toned. There are no abs. I like my body as it is.

You go girl! I agree with everything you’ve said here about body shaming.

True, we are responsible for ourselves and how we respond personally. Yet, also true, words matter. And they can cut deep. People say things across the internet that they’d never dare say to that person’s face.

This is such a crucial issue…I’ve written about it on my blog too. Thanks for sharing such an important message!

Yes yes a thousand times yes!! Thank you for using your platform to say what I’ve been saying for years!! Btw you look AMAZING and I love lifting weights too so I feel you girl!!! If women stuck together like I know we are capable of doing we could change the world I truly believe that! Keep doing you cause you are fabulous !

So well said Steph. I started making becoming fit a priority when my daughter turned 2 – prior to that, I ran as regularly as I could, but I felt that I needed something else, something that made me feel “stronger”, so I started lifting – first kettlebells then barbells. I loved it – still do, 4 years in (even with the switch over to that dirty word, crossfit!). It makes me feel strong and, like you said, it proves to me, time & again, that I am capeable of so much more than I give myself credit for. I already had 2 sons, but something about having a girl made me feel like I needed to be able to show her how to be strong – not just in body but in mind as well. I hope conversations like this continue, I wish I felt this good about myself 20 years ago, but at 47 now I have come to realize it’s never too late!

About scales: I have no idea what I weigh for 363 days of the year…and those 2 days are only because I have to get weighed in every 6 months for my job. I think a lot of women would be in better places mentally if they could throw the scale in the trash and stop thinking that number means anything. It’s an on-going battle…thanks for spreading positivity 🙂

You are doing an amazing job. You are teaching women everywhere what strength really means, and while muscle can be part of that, it’s than, and so much more! I started working out when I was 25 years ago. Prior to that, I had never set foot in a gym, or lifted weights. The whole world of weightlifting and fitness was foreign to me, I was just looking for a way to find myself, after 8 years of “wife/mother” . It took a few sessions, but I found something inside that gym, inside myself, that changed my life. I endured the comments of” you are loosing your feminity” and “your arms are too big!” , And the the best one of all, my husband (now X) told me I looked like RuPaul!! I was, and still am strong. I could tie 45 lbs around my waist and do 10 pull ups, I could press my weight( a whopping 135), and I could conquer the world! There is something about physical strength that gives you mental fortitude. When you are strong physically, you carry yourself differently, with confidence. Then people treat you differently, with respect, and then, your world just gets better as your limitations just fall away. I left my husband, became a Master TR, Nutrition Consultant and found a whole new life! We need to encourage each other,built each other up, and recognize our strength is a great life changing gift. It’s NOT about how it looks…..its all about how it FUNCTIONS! We have another generation coming on out heels, we need to show them the way!

I have to echo ‘You rock Steph!’ Thank you for this post. It was an emotional read for me. Seeing the previous comments, it’s unfortunate that so many of us go through life thinking this is just normal behavior, and we accept the constant pressure and stress.

I am now also 43 years old, and feel more proud and happy with my body compared to any time in my life, however, I do fight that little voice often, to ‘Try harder!’ if I don’t feel like I’m measuring up to whatever standard I’m obsessed with at the moment.

As a teenager, I dabbled in the modeling industry and to say that that kind of critique and experience didn’t affect my head and perception of myself, based on only the attributes of my body would be a complete lie (at age 17, I was 5’10”, 115 lbs.-and yes, I had cellulite then too!) Twenty six years later (and 25 lbs heavier), those darn insecurities can still rear their ugly heads! But I have to say, I’m proud of my physical strength, and like to see muscle tone now that I never had in my life.

My husband loves the confidence and strength he sees in me now, as it projects into so many other parts of life. I would not trade places with my younger self in a second, and embrace who I’ve become, as well as the journey along the way. I like the strong version of me better than the too-skinny me of my early adult life.

Every day may not be rosy, but as we continue to become kick-ass women and take care of ourselves mentally, physically and spiritually, we must support one another. Be thankful for all of your strengths and your health. These things look different for each one of us. To borrow a quote from my trainer recently, who also borrowed it from Redbook magazine, ‘Exercise is not punishment for what you ate, but a celebration of what your body can do!’

I’m reminded of something one of my mother’s friends said when she was in her eighties: “Every morning when I get out of bed, I get down on my knees and thank God that everything is still working.” That’s really all we should ask of our bodies. Are they functional? Are they getting the job done? Are they healthy, given whatever age they’ve reached? And in the meantime, let’s not criticize in online postings what we wouldn’t have the guts to say to someone in person; let’s not hide behind fake names because we don’t really have the courage of our convictions. Let’s show some respect for the very real struggles of other human beings.

I love you Steph! I learned so much from you over the past several years and I am so grateful for the important work that you do. I just turned 44 and have never felt better in my skin! I am strong, fit, and vibrant and I do not care what the scale says or even what size clothes I am wearing. I want to live my life fully and I can do that in my body. I too, spent many years trying to get smaller and was not happy and certainly not glowing with good health. I just recently started coaching girls soccer and half of what I do is try to make sure that I model the kind of behavior that will help them to embrace their own powerful bodies. Thank you, Steph! You rock!

I absolutely love this post. As someone who has been hospitalized with anorexia in the past, and is still working to break the mental bonds of food obsession, I so relate to this. Thank you so much for saying the things that need to be said. This is inspiration to start loving my body, and stop hating it because it isn’t lean enough.

Thank you! I’m 56 and after a hysterectomy and mastectomy I am four years cancer free and 25 pounds heavier. I should be celebrating the cancer free portion but instead I am loathing the 25 pounds portion. Well meaning family and friends suggest all manner of solutions and I have spent ridiculous amounts of money on “solutions” that don’t seem to touch my excess weight. Maybe I need to step back and simply be thankful for the body I have. I will be a new follower of your blog and look forward to hearing more from you. Again, thank you.

Hey there Steff. First and foremost thank you for being so real and for sharing your feelings and your battle I am immensely inspired. Thanks to people like you the world is a better place I have body dysmorphia as I am very skinny and have always felt that I am not attractive since I am not very Curvy. My question to you is how do I balance having a workout regimen but not allowing my body dysmorphia to get in the way, how do I know whether I am setting realistic achievable and healthy goals Without harming my self-esteem and health?

Thank You. Just last week I watched a video of a 21 y/o male who is a quadriplegic due to a snowboarding accident at age 16. (you tube ‘quadriplegic’s passion reignited’). I was so touched that I decided to embrace my body:arthritic knees, neuropathy, a scarred flat chest (from a double mastectomy) and my new white hair! My husband divorced me after 20 years and many affairs because (in his own words) ” have you looked at yourself lately? That’s why I cheat” It took me years to find my own peace and love for myself. Its people like you who make this world a better place, one body love at a time. Thank you so much. It is so much better to love and embrace all of me.

I just recently started listening to your podcast and I want to say thank you for being a positive voice in a what seems like a community of never ending negativity. Society in general and even more specific, the fitness community are constantly putting out conflicting information about what is “beautiful.” Being a woman is SO hard. I am in my 20’s and I can only imagine what it is like for today’s teenager. Especially knowing that the pressure doesn’t stop once you get past that time in your life. Thank you for using your platform to spread messages like this. Social media can use more of this.

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU POST THINGS LIKE THIS. It brought tears to my eyes. This is an important message…especially now, when so many people are talking about “beach body” or “bikini body” season. I’m so grateful to have discovered your website years ago…you, and so many others in this community, have been so helpful and encouraging as I’ve learned to accept my own body and not judge others’. I’m excited for this year’s Women’s Strength Summit!

Thank you for posting this. I lost a lot of weight over a couple years after battling obesity on and off since my 30s. I’ve been in a healthy range for a bit over a year now and the only gripe I have is I would like to be more active, but only because I know being sedentary’s not good for my health.

I didn’t start hearing body shaming comments until *after* I’d reached my goal. I also had to deal with “jokes” about how I lost the weight, to where I simply started replying that I simply found what works for me when people asked so I wouldn’t have to hear about it.

The worst comments came from people I thought were good friends, and all women. One was relentless for several months, said something literally every time she saw me, which was weekly. The comments only stopped after I began avoiding these people.

One still had to say something to me about it last fall. She got the message quickly that I was done hearing about it.

It’s been a year since I had to deal with the majority of it, and it still stings when I remember their behavior. So, yeah, words hurt… but I’m not sure those who issue this kind of garbage think articles like these or the comments that agree with them even apply to what comes out of their mouths.

This post was amazing! Thank you so much for sharing it and for also talking about it on your podcast as well as on Better Every Day. I didn’t see the comment on that beautiful and strong picture you posted originally, and it brought tears to my eyes when I read it here. Your presence in this community and the positive and enlightening conversations you bring through your blog, social media and the Women’s Strength Summit are greatly appreciated. If we want to see change in the world it has to start with us and you remind us of that! Love you and all that you do! ❤️

So, just like another commenter, I came for recipe inspiration and stayed for the politics – the conversation going on here. And, in the spirit of dialogue, I hope to have something to add. I’ve grown up in a family of athletes and thin women – subtly body shaming my cousins, aunts, my mother, my sister. I first remember hating my body when I was maybe 11 – but, to be fair, I have always been fairly thin (because I worked on it), but my sister is not. She inherited an entirely different body than I did; while I hated my body – deeply – I also watched her being bullied by neighbor kids, teachers, family members. It became a weird cycle of hating my body and feeling so guilty for wanting to be thin; like a strange form of survivor’s guilt. Even with 30 years of conditioning, it still surprises me how often and how easily people will not only judge a person for their body, but comment on it. So, to every person who is struggling to block out all the noise – your internal monologue, bullshit comments on social media, things that were said to you in high school – encourage someone else. Put love and kindness out there, if not to cancel out the absolute clusterfuck of negativity, then to gain a steady foothold. Human ugliness isn’t something we’ll ever be rid of, but neither is human kindness. You have to choose what to perpetuate, here. Put more good shit in the universe; more light in the cosmic love soup. Thanks, Steph, for being awesome and being diplomatic and writing more than just recipes – your food and your thoughts are badass.

Jenn, you rock. Thanks so much for taking the time to add some really powerful thoughts to the discussion…you’re amazing. I particularly resonated with this: “Put love and kindness out there, if not to cancel out the absolute clusterfuck of negativity, then to gain a steady foothold.” I appreciate you being here <3

You don’t look like a man. You look like a woman with muscles. That’s another aspect of the messed-up way society treats women, that we actually don’t know what strong women LOOK LIKE. It’d be like Chinese people of a certain era not knowing what a normal woman’s foot looks like. It’s the same exact mindset. They want to limit you, you didn’t listen, so now it’s punishment time. Yeah… no. People need to get over themselves.

You could’ve went in for the dust-up but you didn’t. That’s a mark of straight up true intelligence. It takes more than guts to put yourself out there for the world to see. You’re all heart, too. The perfectly crafted images, air brushed with mega filters for public viewing pleasure will not be remembered. But we will remember how real you are. That’s a lasting legacy and no one can rain on that parade. If you need to ‘cruel to be kind’, it’s time to get your head examined.

I just discovered you, and this post, this week. I’ve been thinking hard about it for the past two days and how we mess ourselves up, and our daughters up, about body image and weight and how girls/women should look and act. Thank you for not letting this go, and demonstrating what strength and conviction are.

I found your site thanks to the awesome Scotch Egg recipe (TY, BTW!). Although I’m a man, your topics are extremely relevant – especially this one. My wife is a strong woman, and her body certainly doesn’t meet the definition of “perfect”, but her self confidence and athleticism are what attracted me to her. We’ve both been on different journeys with our health (weight, cholesterol, blood pressure, thyroid, etc) and we are super fortunate to have overall better health combined with the ability to exercise daily.

Our children are what would be considered “skinny”. They are adults now and we are so happy that they choose friends based on character rather than physical appearance.

Please keep up the good work. With your permission, I’ll share your article.

Hi Chris…wow, thank you so much for adding your thoughts to the conversation. She sounds extremely fortunate to have a supportive husband like you, and vice versa…to both be on different journeys but be able to support each other nonetheless is amazing.

I’d be happy for you to share with whomever you feel needs it. Really appreciate you stopping by…and I’m glad you like the scotch eggs!

About Steph Gaudreau

Steph Gaudreau, BS, MA, NTP, is a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner and strength training expert helping women around the world trust themselves more deeply with food and exercise. Her latest book, The Core 4 is an Amazon #1 best-seller.