A Timeline Of One Day Of Spring Recruitment

6:00AM – Am I still drunk? The last time I saw the sunrise I was still awake from the night before. Why did I think kamikazes were a good idea? I guess they’ll help me relate more to the freshmen. I know they said not go out before the first day of recruitment, but that’s really not my style. Plus, what if I had a little last minute recruiting to do? There could be a freshman I haven’t met yet, although at this point there’s probably not. Mostly I wanted to see that guy from last semester, but no one has to know that. Maybe I was meeting a potential new member. If they ask, I was drinking for the house.

8:00AM – I think I’m sober enough to seem like a person, but if I’m still a little drunk it will make recruitment more tolerable. Shit, I’m running late. Whatever, the PNMs are still waking up anyway. No one will catch me sprinting (okay, speed walking) across campus in norts with an updo if I bring my dress to go. I really don’t want to be fined…again.

10:00AM – Let the games begin. Here comes the girl who puked all over that fraternity house. I wonder what it’s like to be known as “upchuck” throughout campus within your first few weeks. I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity. Oh good God, sweetie. You want the house that you just referred to as “northern coke whores.” I’ve actually never heard that nomenclature, but I would tend to agree with it. I hope she realizes she’ll be just fine in that house even though she’s not from up north. She’s got the other two covered. Ah, spring recruitment always brings out the blacklisted. I love it.

11:00AM – Woah, honey! I didn’t wear that much glitter when I was dressed as a shooting star at our last mixer. This is your daytime face! When the sun shines, your face doesn’t have to. Oh, you work at a gentlemen’s club as a “hostess.” Makes sense. I know the instructions for today were “business casual,” but we meant normal business, not yours. The hot pink spandex mini dress, complete with cut-outs is a no-no.

1:00PM – I love how clean-up and prep work turns an hour lunch break into 15 minutes of trying to shovel a nicoise salad into my mouth without spilling anything on my LBD. Is it weird I wish I had a bib? What’s worse is that sitting is making me painfully aware of how tired I am. I want nothing more than to take a mid-afternoon hangover nap. Maybe the recruitment chair won’t notice if I just close my eyes for a second in the kitchen. Ugh, but then people might think I’ve been demoted to kitchen duty, and I’m not sure I want to risk that embarrassment.

2:00PM – Back to the grindstone. Why does this girl look so familiar? I literally can’t listen to a word she says because…OH SHIT. It’s the girl who couldn’t make it to the port-a-potty five feet in front of her and PEED on my shoes during Homecoming! Girl, you are SO blacklisted, but it’s nice to say hello, all the same. Payback’s a bitch. I wonder if she remembers publicly releasing her bladder during the most attended game of the year.

3:00PM – While the other girls were too wild, this chick is too wildlife. It’s great that you win hunting competitions, I guess, and I may be from the south, but I still don’t want to hear about all the ways you can skin a dear. At least it’s more entertaining than why she chose her major, or her list of high school extracurricular activities.

4:00PM – What’s my spirit animal? Stay calm, just pretend this is a normal conversation. Where can you score weed? First of all, sweetie, it’s second semester, you should know this by now. Secondly, I’m certainly not going to contribute to the delinquency of a freshman! Not until she’s a member of this chapter, anyway. Why are we bumping so slowly right now? Cue secret signal, someone needs to end this.

5:00PM – I wonder if anyone would notice if I traded out the sparkling water in my mason jar for vodka? It’s almost Happy Hour anyway. At this point it’s worth the wrath of standards. I really don’t think I can hear another girl talk about how much she loves horseback riding without a drink in hand.

6:00PM – Oh my goodness! This girl is so precious! She’s smart, and funny, and perfect, and…I think I found my little!!! I almost forgot, this is that moment that makes recruitment worthwhile.

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Fleur de Lilly (@margaretabrams) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and Post Grad Problems. When she's not corrupting her big's baby, she can be found decoding texts, gravitating towards raised surfaces, and spending time with her gentleman caller, Jack Daniels. She loves Lilly, Louisiana, and her lineage.