The Internet truly is a wondrous thing.? How else would you describe an entity where your four year-old can be innocently watching volcanoes erupt one minute, and the next be viewing some dude in his tighty-whities, attempting to pop balloons by excessive pelvic thrusting? ? (Yes, I’m sure there’s some type of volcano analogy to be had, but let’s not go there.)? ? I mean, unless the man was performing a new dance move? called “the eruption” (okay, I went there), can somebody please explain how? in the heck my son managed to? navigate from? lava to lovin’?? ? ? Talk about your six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

I know, I know—they have those control thingies that you can set for your kids to monitor their online experience.? But honestly, who? would’ve thought you had to start with the? pre-pre-schooler set?? ? I can really see the need for those parental controls now, though.? I mean, my son wasn’t even trying to get to the bad stuff, and whoomp!? there it was.?

Another case in point—my son was looking at videos of fires, and somehow? found his way? to the oh-so-special Johnny Johnny Poo Poo Pants.? A charming little ditty, complete with repulsive stick-figure visuals.? ? Okay, so I’ll be the first to admit it—the song is catchy, in a super-annoying-I’m-going-to-slit-my-wrists-if-I-can’t-get-this-tune-out-of-my-head kinda way.? But if you can explain to me what a fire has to do with dropping kids off before you get to the pool, then you, my friend, have a mind even more random than mine (this is not necessarily a blessing).? And yet, I’m assuming there must be some association.? How else would my son, who can barely spell his own name,? have been able to navigate there??

So, let’s brainstorm.? ? We start with forest fires.? We end up with befouled undies.? What possibly happened in-between the two?? It’s like one of those free-association puzzles the shrink asks you (no, I’ve never been, but if you were a shrink, wouldn’t you just love messin’ with? people like this?).? Let’s see—-fire, hmmm—makes me think of things that burn.? Hey,? we used to do a shot in college called a “flaming asshole”.? You know,? if my tushy really felt like it was on fire, it might be because I’ve got a bad case of Montezuma’s.? Say, speaking of the trotskies—this one time, when I was at band camp, I got a seriously repulsive case of the runs and crapped my pants.? Ta-Da–there we have it!? From fires to the squirts, in under fifty words or less.? Not such a stretch after all.? Right?

Okay, so maybe it is a stretch, but do you have a better explanation?? Feel free to elaborate anytime.

So the imaginary visuals I’m getting from this exercise are more than unappetizing.? I’m off to set the parental controls.