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British Travelers Review The Earth

The Ocean, by Miriam Bettinham, age 54
It’s quite a lot saltier than we expected based on the photos. The gentle waves can be quite nice, but they are too often interrupted (rather rudely) by the big noisy crashing sort. The local birds were always wheeling about, causing me to become quite dizzy. If they want more visitors they should add more clouds and take away some of the creeping slimy creatures such as jellyfish. 1 Star.

A Volcano, by Gerald Woosley, age 45
I’ve never had such an awful holiday as this. Two weeks later and I am still finding soot in my luggage. Be sure not to pack jumpers or wool trousers as you won’t be able to wear them in the unbearable heat. The lava floes are simply everywhere and refuse to get out of the way should you try to overtake them. Village nearby was rather quaint but didn’t have so much as a curry shop. The locals tend to be a bother, always asking for water to “stop their burning huts from being destroyed” (or so they claim). I never thought I’d say this but I think I’ll go back to Spain next year. 1 Star.

A Butte by Jemima Worthington-Carr, 22
We came for a ladies’ trip and realized too late that there was no disco or pub. When we saw how far we were meant to climb, we decided instead to just look at the butte from away and check in to a nearby hotel for a few days instead. The donkey we rented was not big enough to carry our suitcases and smelled rather poorly. We thought there might be some lads around who could take us up in a helicopter for a laugh but they wanted us to pay $700 American which is more than the whole holiday package cost. The wifi was spotty. 1 Star.

The Grand Canyon by Stephen Crupley, 58
It’s a great lot too big and dusty for my liking. 1 star.

A Redwood Forest by Margaret Chestington, 39
Going round the place took far too long. The whole affair was quite dull and there weren’t any shops. I was hoping they might have some entertainment other than looking at trees. Certainly they are rather large, but being around large things makes me feel a bit ill, particularly when they tower above in such a manner. They might do better to add some small ones for variety, besides only Americans like their trees as big as that. They’ll have to do a spot better to hang on to the European tourists. Too many squirrels and none of the deer would pose for a photo. If I’m being honest, I wish the butterflies had been a bit less flappy as well. 1 Star

The Reef by Percy Winchester, 26
I liked the bits under water but they might try to make it where you don’t have to swim about so much to see the fish. Wonderful colors but such a shame that the coral decided to bleach itself just before our visit. I tried to find directions to a shark but found the anemones very unhelpful. I’m also certain that a stingray stole my wallet, though of course that’s the risk you take as a tourist abroad. The chips were dreadful and tasted quite fishy. 1 Star.

A Rainbow by Peter Parker-Posey, 39
We came to the rainbow for our honeymoon trip and were left unimpressed. No matter how far we walked we could neither touch nor taste the rainbow, despite what we had been lead to believe online. There were no pots of gold or leprechauns in sight! I had thought as well there might be some sort of gay nightclub about but again we were left disappointed. If anything the rainbow looks better in photographs. I would not recommend going there unless you are a fan of damp weather. 1 Star.