Feelings about death in general...

I have never felt a whole lot about the subject of death and I was just wondering if anyone else struggles with this problem?

I remember the 1st time I felt uncomfortable about the way I acted when I was a child. My great-grandparents (whom I visited often as a child) passed
when I was 10 or so and I remember being confused by why everyone was so sad. They were dead, they clearly felt no pain so why did anyone else feel
pain? I was thoroughly perplexed. Several older family members passed and I still felt nothing.

A few years later, a friend in High School passed away in an accident...and then 3 more people in my class died that year (I went to an inner city
school at the time) and I can just remember my parents looking at me in expectation when I got out of their funerals as if they were waiting to jump
on board and comfort me...as if I were supposed to be traumatized. I would cover my face or pretend to be sad while staring out the window but I never
quite felt BAD like everyone around me seemed to be.

2 days ago, my uncle passed. Tomorrow I will go to his funeral. I want to feel sad but I can't. There is just a void hole where I should feel remorse
and be in mourning. I have read numerous articles on why people feel a lack of remorse about death but they always seem to be hinting at some kind of
"stunted" as if we will eventually feel it, but I never do.

My question is, does anyone else deal with the same things? I haven't been to a funeral in 4 years and I am afraid my family will see me as
"heartless" and "cold" if I don't feel anything...does anyone else struggle with this?

I took my dad's passing way harder than I thought I would. In contrast I know I won't shed a tear when my mom goes. Might not even attend the
funeral. I expect to be pretty tore up, when I get the call, and the subject is my brother. A couple of life-long military brethren will be the
worst for me I expect.

I won't live more than the time it takes to settle my affairs, should my wife go first. There's some things that just aren't worth moving past ...
and I'm fine with that.

Are you just not real close to people? If that's the case, I understand perfectly where you're coming from. And you're right ... other people who
are emotionally affected by your uncle's passing might single you out for some abuse. Believe me ... the funeral is the wrong place for that to
happen. You don't need to go all crocodile tears ... but grabbing somebody in grief and putting the bear hug to 'em might be what you're going for.
Everyone can use a mighty oak in their midst during such times.

originally posted by: SomeDumbBroad
I have never felt a whole lot about the subject of death and I was just wondering if anyone else struggles with this problem?

I remember the 1st time I felt uncomfortable about the way I acted when I was a child. My great-grandparents (whom I visited often as a child) passed
when I was 10 or so and I remember being confused by why everyone was so sad. They were dead, they clearly felt no pain so why did anyone else feel
pain? I was thoroughly perplexed. Several older family members passed and I still felt nothing.

A few years later, a friend in High School passed away in an accident...and then 3 more people in my class died that year (I went to an inner city
school at the time) and I can just remember my parents looking at me in expectation when I got out of their funerals as if they were waiting to jump
on board and comfort me...as if I were supposed to be traumatized. I would cover my face or pretend to be sad while staring out the window but I never
quite felt BAD like everyone around me seemed to be.

2 days ago, my uncle passed. Tomorrow I will go to his funeral. I want to feel sad but I can't. There is just a void hole where I should feel remorse
and be in mourning. I have read numerous articles on why people feel a lack of remorse about death but they always seem to be hinting at some kind of
"stunted" as if we will eventually feel it, but I never do.

My question is, does anyone else deal with the same things? I haven't been to a funeral in 4 years and I am afraid my family will see me as
"heartless" and "cold" if I don't feel anything...does anyone else struggle with this?

Yes. I sometimes wish I was that person who got to leave this insane world. Though, if one of my kiddo's died I'd be devastated...probably wouldn't
want to be here anymore. We live in a predatory world and I find it hard to reconcile a God of love to this existence. I feel the most sorry for
little children and animals who are killed. They are innocent. I also feel huge guilt over the killing and eating of innocent animals. 65 billion a
year on this planet. It's sad how this world operates. Most are so disconnected from another beings pain, they don't give it much thought.

I've only been shaken once...and that was by my grandfather's passing. He was my best friend. He was the only man in my life that never bailed on me
and always supported me. I still get teary eyed when certain songs come on because of him. It wasn't so much about him dying it was more about how no
one else seemed to care as much about him as I did. I was bitter and sad. He was my everything. Other than that, I am not sure I would be sad if
anyone else passed.

I've only really taken it hard when my dog died - my grandparents passed on my Dad's side not too long ago. The scariest thought for me is that
because I'm the oldest by a considerable amount, there will be family to weep over my casket (meaning I won't be the last to go).

In general, I'm not afraid of death, even if it means there's no such thing as ghosts, the afterlife, and my OBE's were just extremely unusual dreams.
What I am afraid of is dying painfully or becoming a burden to others.

Also, some people affect you more than others: My dad has been a rolemodel for me since I was a kid; it's safe to say when it's his time to go, I'm
going to be torn up.

I had similar feelings until I lost the person who has always meant the most to me in this world. That shook my entire being for months. I didn't
think I would ever be okay. I'm definitely not the same anymore.

My question is, does anyone else deal with the same things? I haven't been to a funeral in 4 years and I am afraid my family will see me as
"heartless" and "cold" if I don't feel anything...does anyone else struggle with this?

My mom was killed in a car accident when I was 14. I never cried when my dad's boss and our church minister came to the house. Didn't cry in the limo
taking us to the funeral, not during the funeral. Finally at the gravesite, when the first handful of dirt hit the casket, I cried. But not much.

But no, I'm not very effected by the fact of someone having died. Been to quite a few memorial services.

I'm much more effected when someone dies in front of me. The transition from living, aware, a whole internal universe, there and then not. A universe
winks out. Especially when last wishes go unfulfilled, like a glass of orange juice given when it was peach nectar that was requested. That's a tough
one.

When I was about 10, a friend of our family got drafted, went to Viet Nam. I went to his funeral and burial. His name's on the Viet Nam Memorial. When
I was 15 I ran away from home. My 12 inch knife had been confiscated so I took a hand sickle, put it in a bag with some other stuff and hitchhiked to
a mountain I knew of. Hiked up the mountain, went to an old ghost town. Spent the night in the remains of a jailhouse. In the morning, after getting
up, I looked at the wall. In big 6 inch block letters written in charcoal was his name. That got me a whole lot more than his funeral did.

I know it's a weird question. But I also have experienced what you describe and have tried to make sense of it. It's extremely easy for me to let go,
move on. Which is perplexing to me because otherwise I might consider myself an empath. As do others. So...

My wife gets upset when I phrase it this way, but the "last" time I was dead lasted almost six full days. The doctors started the pressure to pull
the plug toward the end of day two. According to them I was "brain dead" and only showing about 5% brain stem activity.

The period of time that it took for me to come out of it was between 20 to 30 minutes. I had a team of 5 or 6 doctors running a sh*tload of tests,
but one of them finally told my wife that, other than a minor glitch that shows in my heartbeat now from time to time, they didn't understand it any
more than she did.

They had told her that even if I came out of it, I would be a vegetable the rest of my life. (I probably would have aimed a little higher, V-8 at the
very least! [Grin])

It would be great to be able to say that I came away from it all with Great Wisdom, but I'm still the farm boy I've always been. After having been
close enough to have my toes over the abyss enough times that I've lost count, the only thing I can think to say is this, "If you can't love
everybody, at least try not to hate anybody..."

Every time they've told my wife I wasn't in here yet and wanted to start parceling my bits and pieces out to other people, I've eventually opened my
eyes and come away from it with not much more than a bunch of needle marks and a sore throat from the respirator. Then I was right back at work the
very next work day.

The people I feel a very, very deep sympathy for are the ones (and their loved ones) that have to linger and suffer. Death holds no real fear for me.
The process of dying, though, could be terribly unpleasant.

So hypothetically, a 4 year old kid is sitting on his 10 year old brother's bed.
The 10 year old grabs a cast iron trivet from the kitchen table

and hurls it hard enough to fly 20 feet, striking the 4 year old just above the left eye;

Hypothetically, several years later, they are at their step-mother's memorial service.
The brother with the scar just sitting there is more resilient than the other brother who's trying to act appropriately and say the right
thing?

originally posted by: pthena
a reply to: kosmicjack
So hypothetically, a 4 year old kid is sitting on his 10 year old brother's bed.
The 10 year old grabs a cast iron trivet from the kitchen table

and hurls it hard enough to fly 20 feet, striking the 4 year old just above the left eye;
Hypothetically, several years later, they are at their step-mother's memorial service.
The brother with the scar just sitting there is more resilient than the other brother who's trying to act appropriately and say the right
thing?

That's an over-simplification, disregarding lots of variables. Of course, showing a healthy dose of emotion is the preferred reaction but that depends
on/discounts many other unknowns. Is the one trying to say the right thing being honest? See what I mean?

However, in the context you presented, without further elaboration, is either reaction really wrong or right?

The first person I knew who died was my grandfather. I thought his death was 'exciting' because nothing had ever happened like that before, and I
found it strange that my mother cried about it. He visited me a few days after his death, stood at the foot of my bed and smiled at me. I knew he
wasn't 'dead' at all.

Same thing has happened in other ways ever since.

People who cry over timely deaths, of people who are aged, are crying often just because of what that death means to them, whether it's losing a
friend or a long-time relative or associate.

Crying over the loss of a child is the real thing, and you never really get over that.

I don't understand religious (christian) people who are sad someone has died, though. Doesn't their belief system tell them that that person is going
to a good place? Why the sorrow, then?

My ultimate attitude is like Woody Allen said, 'I don't mind dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens...' although I'm looking forward
very much to the aftermath. I think of it as an adventure.

This content community relies on user-generated content from our member contributors. The opinions of our members are not those of site ownership who maintains strict editorial agnosticism and simply provides a collaborative venue for free expression.