So the U.S. government wants all modern methods of communication wire-tap compliant so they can win both the wars on terror AND teens trying to buy weed. Oh -- looks like it's time to break out the ol' flint and blanket, folks. I'M TALKIN' SMOKE SIGNALS, YO!

The Obama administration plans to submit a bill to Congress next year that will require technologies like BlackBerry, Facebook, and Skype to be capable of complying with a wiretap order, including the ability to intercept and unscramble encrypted messages. Since there are no hackers that can best the U.S. government, this sounds like a foolproof plan! James X. Dempsey, vice-president of the Center for Democracy and Technology, says the proposal challenges fundamental aspects of the way the Internet works, including its decentralized design: "They basically want to turn back the clock and make Internet services function the way that the telephone system used to function."

Now before I leave both sides of the aisle to beat the shit out of each other while I slip off and case the Capitol building for valuables, I'd like to say this: NOTHING. Get it? Because they're listening.