Please forgive me.

I shouldn’t be crying in my room right now, I should be enjoy the rest of the night with my family, it is Christmas after all. I just can’t get you off my mind and its killing me because I miss you so much and no matter what I do you wont forgive me. I know I was a shitty friend and I fucked up a few times but did you really have to leave forever? We had a future planned, what happened to moving to Salem, MA together after high school? What happened to spending the holidays together or going to concerts together? You didn’t even give me a reason on why you left, I just woke up and you were gone. I spent a week wondering where you went, not even your best friend knew where you were until you came back… Back to him and not me. I found out through my mom about what you did, I remember how it felt to hear the words fall out of her mouth.

“He went to CPEP for suicidal thoughts and actions, that’s why he wasn’t answering you.”

I don’t think you fully understand how much that hurt me, I never cried as bad as I did when she told me. I told you and you knew, you fucking knew from the day we met that I would always be there for you. Always. You were my best friend, you help me and I help you, that’s what we did. I realized soon after why you didn’t come to me for help or why you never spoke to me after you came back. I was the reason why you did it, I was the reason why you tried to kill yourself. Its been four months and we still haven’t spoke, you mailed me back my things and I still haven’t forgiven myself. All your friends hate me and I know you hate me too… Don’t worry though, I can understand why. I hate myself too.

I still love you though… I hope I’ll hear from you soon. Merry Christmas Connor, I hope you’re doing okay. I’m sorry.