Campaign against rise in the age of 'right to become senile'

Soon-to-be pensioners have reacted with disappointment at the increase in the retirement age and are planning a challenge under the Human Rights Act.
Silver haired workers around the country claim that the Government is denying them their sacred right to descend into obscurity, social isolation and dementia. By raising the retirement age, these workers are now forced to interact with fellow workers of different ages and to appreciate that life is rather more varied than the Daily Mail would have them believe.

A spokesman for DEMENT, a sociological think-tank for workers in their autumn years, told reporters, ‘We strongly object to the proposal to raise the retirement age. We speak for a vast number of people who have put in their time at work and are looking forward to spending their last days in retirement learning about gardening and how to annoy younger members of their family with their stubborn misunderstanding of innocent family conversations. Many of the people we speak for have reached the stage of almost total acceptance of Daily Mail feature articles, and have been busy advising their adult children of the dangers of popular music, the internet, and Islamic immigration causing cancer. A large number of them have been busy devising ingenious ways to fall out with their siblings in dramatic fashion, and to dispense with rationality entirely. It is a sad day indeed that these people are now expected to work significantly longer and therefore remain under the influence of rationality, perspective, and clear thought.’

On behalf of the government, a junior minister for the Department of Work and Pensions explained, ‘Sadly, the position that we have inherited from the previous administration has meant that tough decisions have had to be made. Whilst we fully agree that everyone should have the right to descend into senility, we must balance that right with the means of funding people’s retirement. Raising the retirement age is one of a series of measures necessary to balance the books.’

The Daily Mail is said to be outraged at the decision, not least because it predicts a slump in sales in light of this attack on its traditional readership.