LOS ANGELES — My apologies to any Sepulveda Boulevard drivers who, upon my manic U-turn toward the In-N-Out Burger, nearly crashed into my rented white Toyota Corolla. Once I spotted the In-N-Out, I was all in.

Yes, most of the burger joints during my National Burger Adventure won’t be fast food, but In-N-Out ain’t Hardees; on the contrary, we’re dealing with an L.A. staple here, like Staples Center or stapled faces of aging actresses. Heck, this place was even immortalized in an immortal movie, “The Big Lebowski:”

Walter: “He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-N-Out Burger…”

The Dude: “The In-N-Out Burger is on Camrose.”

Walter: “NEAR the In-N-Out Burger…”

Donny (interrupting): “Those are good burgers, Walter.”

Walter: “Shut the (bleep) up, Donny!”

In a city lathered in glitz (and smog — glitz and smog), there is something refreshingly unpretentious about dining at In-N-Out. No valet or Versace here. No celebrity sightings, either, though I did see a fellow who looked strikingly similar to Verne Lundquist.

I ordered “The Double-Double” burger which is like a single, except there are two. According to the In-N-Out website, The Double-Double features two 100 percent pure beef patties, hand-leafed lettuce (precise produce terminology), two slices of American cheese, onions and Thousand Island dressing, placed gently between two freshly baked buns by the blessed hands of the saints on Sepulveda.

But while talking with my SoCal-bred girlfriend, “Blondie,” she informed me that there’s a whole subculture to In-N-Out. See, the menu only features three burgers – simply, the Hamburger, the Cheeseburger and The Double-Double. But — those in the know, the cool kids, have their own lingo for ordering a burger off the menu:

* “The 4-X-4,” which is basically a quadruple cheeseburger.

* “Protein-Style,” the delicious burger wrapped in a lettuce leaf.

* “Animal-style,” in which the burger is cooked in mustard, then lathered with extra spread and pickles.

But afraid they might expose me as a fraud, I simply ordered from the regular menu.

Soon, a man in a funny hat called my number from behind the counter, and as I picked up my lunch, I heard a woman on a cell phone saying with pride, “The first place I come to when I get to town is In-N-Out.”

I took my first bite of the burger and inside my mouth, it was like a tsunami of calories. The thin patties, complemented by the condiments, swirled within the Thousand Island dressing. I tried to savor each bite, but I barely took a breath before chomping the burger again and again, as if they were gonna take the thing back. It wasn’t a pretty site – I soon was out of napkins, but the Double-Double wasn’t close to being out of dripping dressing.

When it was over, there was a feeling of astronomical gastronomical joy … and, alas, gas.

You really should’ve gone to the Apple Pan which is on pico in westwood (http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-apple-pan-los-angeles).
Father’s office is definitely the best posh burger, but in n out is a product of boosterism, and a tourist fluke. Apple Pan has had the exact same menu since 1947, and is one of the most delicious “everyman” burgers in existence. The pie is really amazing as well. You sit at an amazing lunch counter, and all of the waiters have worked there for upwards of 10 years, some 50 years… it’s serious.

BenjaminHochman

luckily there are more nuggets games in LA this season!

Dmcnulty

You really should’ve gone to the Apple Pan which is on pico in westwood (http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-apple-pan-los-angeles).
Father’s office is definitely the best posh burger, but in n out is a product of boosterism, and a tourist fluke. Apple Pan has had the exact same menu since 1947, and is one of the most delicious “everyman” burgers in existence. The pie is really amazing as well. You sit at an amazing lunch counter, and all of the waiters have worked there for upwards of 10 years, some 50 years… it’s serious.

BenjaminHochman

luckily there are more nuggets games in LA this season!

http://twitter.com/jmdeshazer Jon-Michael DeShazer

In-N-Out’s legend is a bit over the top, although Benjamin, I agree they are the best hamburger chain in the country. I ate there all the time 12 years ago when I lived out there. One of these days you should hit up Tommy’s for some chili burger goodness.

http://twitter.com/jmdeshazer Jon-Michael DeShazer

In-N-Out’s legend is a bit over the top, although Benjamin, I agree they are the best hamburger chain in the country. I ate there all the time 12 years ago when I lived out there. One of these days you should hit up Tommy’s for some chili burger goodness.

SJC

As a transplanted Coloradoan now living in SoCal I can’t believe you’ve been co-opted into the In-n-Out “myth.” Now living in in California some 15 years I just don’t understand why folks out here fall all over themselves and wait in long lines for the goopy, over-rated burger and tasteless fries. There are great, great burgers in SoCal, In-n-Out just ain’t one of them. Someone else mentioned the Apple Pan which is a great place. Benjamin good thing indeed that you’ve got more Clippers and Lakers games to attend this season.

BenjaminHochman

whatup SJC… I will definitely check out the Apple Pan… got any other suggestions?

And Jon, thanks for writing… I love chili and I love burgers so Tommy’s sounds ideal!

SJC

As a transplanted Coloradoan now living in SoCal I can’t believe you’ve been co-opted into the In-n-Out “myth.” Now living in in California some 15 years I just don’t understand why folks out here fall all over themselves and wait in long lines for the goopy, over-rated burger and tasteless fries. There are great, great burgers in SoCal, In-n-Out just ain’t one of them. Someone else mentioned the Apple Pan which is a great place. Benjamin good thing indeed that you’ve got more Clippers and Lakers games to attend this season.

BenjaminHochman

whatup SJC… I will definitely check out the Apple Pan… got any other suggestions?

And Jon, thanks for writing… I love chili and I love burgers so Tommy’s sounds ideal!

pdavidfunk

When the Nuggets enter into what will become another underachieving season could you usher in more of your burger reviews?

pdavidfunk

When the Nuggets enter into what will become another underachieving season could you usher in more of your burger reviews?

BenjaminHochman

Yeah pdavidfunk, this is going to be an interesting season no matter what happens .. I’ll be burger-blogging from every city (and thus running on the tredmill in America’s Marriotts, to lessen the blow on my gut.)

BenjaminHochman

Yeah pdavidfunk, this is going to be an interesting season no matter what happens .. I’ll be burger-blogging from every city (and thus running on the tredmill in America’s Marriotts, to lessen the blow on my gut.)

Colin Elliott

When you get to Houston, go to Lankford’s Grocery and Christian Totem.

Benjamin Hochman

Ray Lankfors’s Grocery? Ha I will def check those out .. I travel to Houston on Saturday..thanks!

Colin Elliott

When you get to Houston, go to Lankford’s Grocery and Christian Totem.

Benjamin Hochman

Ray Lankfors’s Grocery? Ha I will def check those out .. I travel to Houston on Saturday..thanks!

Chris Dempsey arrived at The Denver Post in Dec. 2003 after seven years at the Boulder Daily Camera, where he primarily covered the University of Colorado football and men's basketball teams. A University of Colorado-Boulder alumnus, Dempsey covers the Nuggets and also chips in on college sports.