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[%] [%]
[%] TPR/The Phrozen Realm [%]
[%] Presents: [%]
[%] [%]
[%] The complete story of how to [%]
[%] become elite in 514. [%]
[%] [%]
[%] Typed in by: [%]
[%] [%]
[%] Mechanix [%]
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NOTE: Even though this file is distributed with HDK #4, it consitutes
a serious text, and I will once again stand behind everything
said in it. Enjoy.
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Well, this is the first HDK submission printing. I will continue
doing this if people send texts in to me. Anyways, enjoy this, but I doubt
you will, since most of you will feel especially targeted in this one. And
also, no 'flipper' writting in this one, it's meant to be readable.
%Introduction:
Well, this file goes out to all you so called 514 elites out there.
This focuses on you pirates, hackers, phreakers and others who basically
have no idea how useless you really are. So if you feel offended by
anything you read here, chances are I hit the nail on the head. For the
others, keep reading, it should be great fun.
%Credit:
A lot of credit goes out to the following people and organizations
for inspiring me through this text. All users on TPR for helping me make
fun of the pirate scene, the Neon Knights, Metal Communications, VAS, and
all the other groups who realeased files on the lamers of the world, it
was great fun.
.-------------------------------------.
| The complete history of a 514 elite |
`-------------------------------------'
Well it all starts out on some special day like christmas. This is
when all the little boys and girls get there presents. Well, in this
story, let's take the example of a 15 year old boy, and let's call him
Max. Ok, so it's december 25th, and Max is so happy, he just got a new
computer that his parents gave him for school. It's probably something
like an Amiga or IBM PS/1, one of those family packages they advertise on
television for an outrageous sum of money. Anwyays, this is where our
story starts, because with this nice computer, the company also included a
super 2400 baud modem and a set of numbers to call. So Max says: "Woopee!
Neeto!" and runs to his room to install his computer. Well after about 9
hours of hard work, the family finally gets the thing working, and Max is
left to try out his new toy, since that's all this is for him, a toy.
First thing Max does is call up a few of the numbers he got with the
modem, most of them being the various Compuserve dialups in the country.
So he dials the phone number. It rings, picks up, and Max lifts the phone
and starts out: "Hello? Hello? I just got my modem and I..."
"Wooosshhhhh", the modem blasts in his ears. Max drops the phone and runs
crying to his father. They read the manual together, and Max realises the
modem will pick up on it's own. Well, after a few days, Max has spent
close to 24 hours a day on Compuserve, and spent close to $500 on his
fathers credit card, with CIS billing.
But one day, Max gets ahold of his first BBS number, most likely some
public domain system that requires membership. So he calls up. Then he
gets the all so famous Juxtaposition list. "Wowzerz, this is neet. Look at
all the numbers I can call! Yippie!". So Max spends close to four weeks
entering the complete Juxtaposition list in his Procomm dialing directory.
Of course, the first systems he calls are the ones with 'XXX' in the
description. Problem is that once he has all the GIFs, he has nothing left
to masturbate on. So he looks for the ones saying 'Games'. "Damn! There
aren't many". By this time, school is back on, so Max asks his friends for
places to get neeto games for his computer. One of his friends gives him
the number to a pirate board. Max can't wait, and almost wets his pants
waiting for school to finish so he can go play with his modem.
That night, Max dials up the pirate board. "Damn! It's busy". So he
leaves the modem on redial for about 2 hours, waiting for it to ring.
After 2 hours of staring at the Procomm redial box, it finally rings and
connects. Max, once again, almost wets his pants. Soon, the screen clears
and he sees:
Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users:
So Max types in:
Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users: 'NEW'
Unknown user, you may not access this system.
Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users:
Anyways, after 3 attempts at typing in 'NEW' with the quotes, he finally
tries it without. It works. (It takes a while for the hamster in his head
to start turning the wheel). Then he is prompted for a handle, or alias.
"Hmmm! This is Neeto! I can use a cool name!". After thinking for 20
minutes, and being logged off for inactivity, he applies as Captain Cool.
So then he leaves a new user message:
Hey! Hi! This place looks real cool. I got your number from a
friend in my class at school! Say's you have NEETO GAMES!!! I
want them all! My father just bought me this swell computer!
It's the best! I'm sure it's better than what you have! My dad
is the best! he has lots of money to get me cool software. So
if you want to be my friend, let me have all your games!!!!
Captain Cool
save
end
finish
help
sysop!!!!!
Then he hits enter until the maximum number of lines is reached and the
message saves itself. Well, most of the time, idiots like this get
deleted, but sometimes, the sysop is stupid enough not to care, so they
get on.
Well Captain Cool calls back every hour until he is finally validated
the next day. Then he goes straight to the files. After hitting '?' 300
times to figure out the menus, he downloads everything until his ratio
explodes. Then he tries to chat the sysop 8 times for more file ratio, but
no response. So he keeps trying to download, but it won't let him.
"Daddy!!!! The computer won't give me more games!!!!! Sniff". Then finally,
the sysop enters chat:
The sysop will chat with you now.
Sysop> Yes?
CC> Hey! Dude! How come I can't get no more files? I still have 20
minutes left!!!
Sysop> You're a 2400 lamer man!!! Get a real modem, and I'll give you
no-ratio!!!
Anyways, the sysop is as big an idiot as Captain Cool, but I did say this
was a pirate board. So Captain Cool goes crying to his father that he has
a shit modem, and that he can't play games and all. So his father goes out
and shells out $1000 for a 16.8k USR Dual Standard with all the options
imaginable. So after this, for a few weeks, Captain Cool roams through the
pirate boards, calling others off the bbs list, and leeches his brains
out. But now, it's summer, and Captain Cool can spend all day leeching
everything he sees. He also posts messages like the following:
Hi dudez! It's cool here! So what new games do you guys have?!!? I just
got Elite War Beta version 4.3 Full Realease!!! I phoned my friends and
they don't have it!! No way!!! It must be new!! And I have it! I'll send
it here if one of you wants to trade for something I don't have!!!
Please post me lots of mail!!! See ya dudezz!!!
Captain Cool.
Captain Cool also notices many 'warez' trends out there, and starts to
modify his signature accordingly. Here are some of the signatures he goes
through in a matter of days:
Capatin Cool
Kaptain Kool
---==== Kaptain Kool ====----
--=====%%%%>>> KaPTaiN K00L <<>>>> ]-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<<===---
And finally
---====####>>>> ]-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<>>> ]-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<>>> ]-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<>>> ]-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<