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I’m not even going to make up an excuse, because I don’t have one.
Welcome to my life. I put everything off for as long as I can. Is there a cure? Maybe. Am I going to figure out what that is? Probably not. Just being honest.

Here’s a wonderful thing I’ve discovered, however. I am going to start a real, legit blog! I know you’re probably reading this thinking “you can’t even keep up with your FREE blog and now you’re going to get a LEGIT blog. You crazy!”
I am, in fact, crazy.

I want to write. I grew up writing all the time. I wrote poems, song lyrics for friends, short stories…and I loved it. I loved it so much I decided to go to school for Professional Writing. A part of me died those 4 years – sad, but true. A lot happened over those 4 years. So many things changed and I had opportunities I was too afraid to take. Those years should have been some of the best in my life, but I barely remember them at all.

I need to get back into writing. It’s hard and I’m scared.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret that not many people know about me, but if they took the time could probably figure it out really easily – I’M SCARED OF EVERYTHING!
Life, in general, scares the crap out of me. What if I make a mistake? What if I only have one chance and I blow it? What if I say this but really should have said this other thing instead? What if I move away but then end up going broke? What if I don’t get married and never have kids and I’m alone forever? What if I get married and have kids and I hate my life? AHHHHHH!!! Make it stop. Seriously. I’m not making any decisions or taking any chances. Ever.

Rest assured, this is something I’m actively working on. I’m trying as much as my will allows me to stop laying down and playing dead when I get scared about life’s decisions. Don’t ask me to decide where we’re going on our first date or what color I want to dye my hair – seriously – it freaks me out to decide things. I don’t want to get it “wrong”. I find it very important to put the word “wrong” in quotations like that because, honestly, who the hell decides what’s right and wrong? if I make a decision that doesn’t turn out that great then guess what? I’m not going to die. It’s not going to ruin my life. I simply won’t allow it.

All of that rambling just to say this – I’m starting a legit blog because I love writing and I want to do it for the rest of my life and I hate having a job where I don’t get to do that so I need to start branching out and not being a coward and actually doing things that will better my life and make me happy and not worrying about the possible negative outcomes. BAM.

Once a get the other blog started I will put the link here for any of you that are interested in still reading my stuff (yes, I will actually post stuff!!!!!).

I said I would blog and I haven’t. In all fairness, my life has been a bit crazy lately. Of course I’m over exaggerating a bit – but let me explain.

I’m single. That rocked my world to the core. It changed who I was, for the better. I’m a totally different person. I was miserable for way too long with no acceptable excuse for it. I will never be like that again. I’m not going to get into too much detail about it, at least not right now, but I had fallen into a huge hole (not just because of the breakup), and I am currently climbing out of it. Starting to write in this blog again is one way of me bouncing back. Hopefully better than before.

I bought a new laptop. I can’t wait until it shows up on my door. It’s a Dell XPS 13. I’m hoping this will give me the extra boost I need to be more active in the writing world. I’m going to be one of those writers that drink too much caffeine and spend their Friday nights at local places with free wifi. I’M SO EXCITED!!!

I need to make a list of all the things I’m going to do differently now. I’m one of those anal people that needs to PLAN EVERYTHING. I’m also one of those people that doesn’t commit to things she starts. Ooops. Let’s have faith in me this time, shall we?

There is way too much information on the internet. I can’t stop looking at it.

I need a weight loss program, but there are SO MANY OF THEM! Here are the options I’m looking at right now:

1) Jamie Eason’s Live Fit Trainner
I attempted this program a few years ago. I followed the exercise routine, but wasn’t following the nutrition aspect. I has just finished working with a personal trainer at my gym and I had amazing results – I just needed something to keep me going at the gym. I made it to Phase 2 before I puled a muscle, which made some of the exercises impossible for me to do. I felt like this was a pretty good program, except the workouts took a huge portion of my time (i guess I’m just slow??). I also didn’t finish work until 5:30, then I went to the gym for an hour and a half, then needed to make dinner and entertain my dog. It didn’t work out for me. Looking at it again now though, it seems like it could fit better in my life and I could follow it more closely with my boyfriend.

2) T-25 or other workout DVD
I have the T-25 workouts at home, and have tried a few of them, but was not a huge fan. It is VERY convenient that these workouts are 25 minutes long and I can do them at home. I think that is the biggest plus. I didn’t fall in love with the videos however because I didn’t “feel it” as much as I thought I would. I’m also not a huge fan of working out at home because I love the gym feel (minus being embarrassed to see my old trainer since i gained 45 pounds since working with him). I also have some Biggest Loser DVD’s that I use sometimes and I do enjoy those.

3) MyDreamShape.com
This girl has an amazing blog with different workouts each day, along with recipes, tips, workout songs, etc. They look pretty simple to follow and I have done a few of them in the past and enjoyed them.

4) My own mix of everything
Lately I’ve been doing a mix of cardio (either sprints or HIIT on the elliptical [i like how easy it is on my knees]). I’m not sure how effective this will work. I am watching what I’m eating and trying to get back in the routine I was in before when I lost 30 pounds. It’s a lot easier said than done. I also lost this weight with a personal trainer, but the workouts he was getting me to do weren’t rocket science – basically if I sweat and got my heart rate up, it was effective.

I just need to make a decision and stick to it, right? I just want to make sure I pick the *right* thing, as if there really is a right and wrong decision here. Whatever I pick it’s going to challenge me, which will result in a change!

Hopefully I’ll decide what program I want to follow by Monday and then I can start a brand new week with a brand new me! Until then I’m just going to continue my mix of everything, to keep me in the routine of working out and eating healthier.

It’s October!
October is my favorite month. It’s my birthday, the weather is getting nice and crisp, the leaves are changing colors, it’s time to start making stew and chilli – EXCELLENT! I LOVE AUTUMN! I LOVE OCTOBER!

Here are a few things I have planned for my October:

I celebrated my 27th day of birth. It was scary. I hate getting older. I always get the feeling I’m not on track with my life. I found a quote online recently that has started to change my mind
“Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” I LOVE IT. It is straight to the point and makes so much sense. ONWARD WE GO!

I celebrated Thanksgiving, with 2 thanksgiving dinners. They were both very yummy. Chris and I went to his parents house first, and then we swung by my cousins for our HUGE family dinner, where we ate our dessert. My family and Chris’ family are totally different. His extended family doesn’t get together very often, whereas my extended family (on my dad’s side) get together all the time – the majority of us even live within walking distance of each other. Chris’ parents told us dinner would be at 5:00pm, so we took the dogs to the dog park for a bit first so they wouldn’t be as excited during dinner (that didn’t happen), and we got to his parents house at 5:09pm – everybody has already ate dinner. Without us. I thought the point of having a family thanksgiving dinner was so we could have a FAMILY THANKSGIVING DINNER!! Oh well. It’s just how his family operates. It’s a shame though because it makes me feel less inclined to want to want to communicate with them, or get together with them when they don’t even want to be “together” with the family. Strange. My family dinner’s are scheduled for 5:30pm and we wait until 6:30pm for everybody to get there so we can eat. To each their own.

I’ve decided to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I am super excited and super scared. I’m trying to come up with a plot, which has never been my strong suit. We’ll see how it goes this year. I hope to finish the 50,000 words. That means I need to make a plan of action!! I need to determine how many hours a day I’m going to write for a WRITE FOR THOSE HOURS. I must learn to follow through.

I’ve started writing in a food/exercise journal (read: I bought a journal designated to writing about food/exercise). I need to commit to losing weight and being more healthy. I’ve had enough of this self loathing garbage. It’s time to love my body again, which means treating it well! I’m going to start doing weekly weigh-in’s on this blog, because how else am I supposed to be accountable? Once again, I must learn to follow through.

I have my Halloween costume 🙂 I am going to be a vampire and Chris is going to be a zombie. We are going to be a bloody mess together – YAY! A friend of ours is having a Halloween party on the 31st and then we are going to a Halloween Shag (most people call them stag and doe’s – I think…) on November 1st, which is Halloween themed of course. It’s going to be super fun. Chris and I were going to host our own Halloween party, but decided against it, since there would only be about 5 people in attendance ( we are loners…)

I’m one of those people that has a hard time finishing what they start – blogging for example?I’ve already tried to write this post several times, and decided it wasn’t good enough, or I was bored with it.

I have a problem.

This is something that effects many different aspects of my life – work, friendships, relationships, my health, etc. It needs to end. Usually I’d make a grand statement about how it will end NOW damnit! But as you can probably guess, from what I just said – I’m a huge failure at following through. I’d like to say I’m slowly getting better.

I look at those people in life who have actually accomplished something they’ve set their mind to and I’m envious. They seem so happy, and so fulfilled. I know that I’m the only reason why I don’t finish what I start, so there is nobody to blame and there is no room for self pity. I think a solution to my issue could be rather then thinking about how boring, or how much work continuing to do something is going to be I should focus on the negative aspects of not finishing it. For example, if I don’t keep taking my daily vitamin then I’ll continue to be tired and sluggish from not getting the nutrients I need. BAM! Argument well made. Here’s hoping it works.

I’m the kind of person that loves to plan things. I love writing things down on a to do list, but do you think I do them? NO. I’m content with the feeling of having good intentions. It’s kind of exhausting and getting to the point where I’m just disappointed in myself and unmotivated to do anything because I know I won’t finish it.

I’ve started this ‘100 happy days’ task on my Facebook page – every day, for 100 days, I post something that makes me happy! I’m half way through and I haven’t missed a day yet (except when I didn’t have cell service or computer access). I feel pretty accomplished so far, and can’t wait to get to day 100!

I haven’t written anything in FOREVER. I don’t mean on this blog, or other blogs, or facebook statuses or twitter updates. I mean, legit writing. I used to write all the time – about everything. If something happened to me I’d write it down. If I saw a movie or TV show that I felt had a good plot line or character base I’d write about it. If I saw a bird fly by the window, I would write about it!!! I’m not writing anymore. I can’t put my finger on why. Where has the motivation gone? This is yet another reason why I decided to go off my meds. I feel like it sucked the life out of me.

I miss being a passionate person. I used to have this amazing driving force behind everything I did, and now I’m just blah. I don’t even get in arguments anymore – which is probably a good thing – but I miss being so passionate about something that I needed to get angry about it. It felt good to care so much about things.

I think I just need to start writing. Even if it is crap-tastic at first. I should go to the dollar store and buy a notebook (or use one of the 28377286876 ones I already have) and make a conscious effort to write something in it everyday. I used to want to be a writer so badly. Now, I’m just boring. I’m becoming normal or something – EWW.

Success!!!!! I made it to the end of the week.I only napped 3 days this week. That’s almost a record for me – yesss!!!

I’m hoping this weekend is more funfilled. Tonight Chris and I are going for dinner and then to a movie. I’m excited. It feels like I haven’t been on a movie date with him in a long time. Tomorrow we might get up early and go to the Farmer’s Market. I actually wouldn’t mind checking out some yard sales this week 🙂 It would be nice to get some cheap finds and then do some DIY projects to decorate our apartment. Our apartment looks so plain. There is nothing on the walls and very minimal “decor”. I feel like I can’t get too decorative since we’re only going to be at the apartment for a little over a year (hopefully), then we’ll be buying a house. It was like that for me for the past 7 years! I haven’t been able to “nest” in forever! First I was living in residence at the University, then there was the apartment with my ex, then back to my parents house, then living in my Nonna’s old house, then moving in with a friend, then back to my parents house, and NOW the apartment with Chris. Wow, I moved quite a bit.

Saturday night I’m hoping to go out with the girls for drinks and dancing. I miss getting dressed up and going out. Most of my friends have husbands and babies, so it’s harder to plan a night out. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they find babysitters or that their husbands are in a good mood and want to watch the kids so we can have a good time. I’m too antisocial now. Since I got a new job last summer I don’t really talk to many people during the day. My office is in the back of our building, so there is very little interaction for me. For 3 years I used to work at a job that required me to talk to so many different people all day long. That’s pretty much the only thing I loved about that job – everything else was pretty shitty. After I go home from work I pretty much just eat dinner, exercise, and go to bed. Very little social activities going on there. Is this what growing up is like? I barely remember my mom ever going out after work or on the weekends. I need to get a social hobby….immediately!! I remember when going out with my friends was the most entertaining thing I could do. Now it seems like laying down and watching TV with my dog is the most I’m willing to do. I’m so boring – or I’m getting old.

It’s raining AGAIN! Yuck. I love the smell of rain, and splashing in the puddles with my boots on, and when everything looks all “clean” afterwards – but common now. It’s been raining for the past few days and it’s dragging me down! Last summer it rained almost every weekend, which meant I didn’t get to do much. This summer I need to do stuff. I need to go camping, and go for walks with the dogs, get a sun tan, have a BBQ. I need to NOT HAVE THIS MUCH RAIN. Rain at night time, while I’m sleeping. My sinuses are terrible and when it rains my head wants to explode. This is not fun for me. My boyfriend also works outside so he needs warm weather and no rain in order to make money. We are so broke.Okay…complaining over 🙂

Anyways……I’ve been having some real crazy dreams now that I’m weaning myself off my meds. They are quite vivid and sometimes very scary! I’m also noticing that it doesn’t take very long for things to go back to normal for me. By normal I mean, me being a huge bitch when I shouldn’t be. I have a really short temper again, and seem to be snapping for no reason. This is one of those things I need to continue to work on every single day. This is the reason I need to take up yoga or meditation. I need to relax. Up until now I haven’t been the kind of person who thinks before they react. I just react. I’m a passionate person, what can I say? I’m working on it. Other then that, the weaning is going well. Fingers crossed that it stays that way!

My boyfriend and I went to a BBQ at my parents house the other night and I told my mom I was going off of my medication. I’ve already told my dad and he seemed very supportive of it. My dad hates medication. My mom started to ask me all these questions about why I was taking them in the first place – as if she wasn’t there when I was in highschool and was self harming. It made me pretty angry and upset. She kept asking me why I felt I needed them in the first place. I just said “because I need them”. It’s hard to explain, especially to people that just aren’t going to get it. I was also pretty confused because when I told her I was going to start taking them a year ago, we talked about it and she seemed to understand and agree that I probably should have been on them for a long time. I’ve been depressed since I was about 17. It’s exhausting having to feel like crap almost every day of your life. Not all day, everyday – but everyday. I waited so long before going on antidepressants because I didn’t like the idea of having to be on medication in order to feel “better” (and I still don’t). I just got to a point where I was too tired of fighting it. I was too tired of denying the fact that I had a problem that I couldn’t control on my own. I had been trying to deal with things and I had seen numerous counselors that I felt I wasn’t “clicking” with, so I wanted to take a break. I wanted an easier solution. It’s hard to live like this every day, but I know that I need to be patient. I need to make a conscious effort to do everything in my power to be successful at being happy, without medication. Challenge accepted! It’s kind of a pride thing too. I feel ashamed that I can’t fix myself. I feel like I should be able to do this because I’m a strong person.

I baked this weekend. Me. Krysta. I BAKED!!! I never bake. I baked pumpkin muffins and carrot muffins. The first batch turned out pretty terrible, but I think I redeemed myself with the 2nd batches. I am on my way to becoming an adult, because I can bake 🙂 Baking is one of the things I can add to the list of things that make me happy!!!

Another thing to add to the list is SHOPPING – but I have no money. Chris and I are so very poor right now. I think I’m still in the initial shock of having to pay rent and groceries (even though I’ve done it before). It always surprises me how much we eat. Well, if I’m being honest – it surprises me how much he eats! In my last relationship where we lived together we bought separate groceries because he thought it would be cheaper for him, and because he barely ate any of the foods I ate – however, if we did eat the same meals I always bought the food for it. One of my friends who lives with her boyfriend pays for groceries every 3rd time they go grocery shopping because her boyfriend eats SO MUCH MORE then she does. I’m not too sure now how I feel about splitting the grocery bill. I want to split it, because I know that’s how things work when you’re in a relationship, right? It’s hard because I eat the same thing almost all the time. I have a routine with my eating now. When I was living on my own before and buying my own groceries it was pretty inexpensive. Now we go grocery shopping once a week and it’s killing me. We don’t buy everything once a week, but we always seem to need more food!! It’s driving me crazy! Where is it all going? We’re going to be living on the streets pretty soon, eating tuna out of the can. I feel like I’m taking on the burden of this on my own. Chris works with his Dad and they operate a Concrete Construction business in town. They make pretty good money – when they are working. Like I said earlier, it’s been raining a lot, so they can’t work. They also only work during the spring and summer months, so he needs to make 12 months of a salary in 6 months time. He went on unemployment this winter for the first time. He usually worked another job in the winter, but he really hated it, so I supported his decision (…okay, I influenced his decision) to quit. Unemployment wasn’t paying him all that well, and he didn’t seem to mind. He never expressed any interest in finding other work for his down time. I’m trying to do the best I can to make extra money. I’m not an Independent Consultant for PartyLite Canada and I’m trying my best to make some extra cash from that. I don’t feel he’s making the same effort. I’m afraid to bring it up because I don’t know if it’s a reasonable thing to ask him, to get another job. I don’t want him working 70 hour work weeks or anything, but if he had some other income coming in that would be SO MUCH HELP. Especially since we want to buy a house sometime in the near future. Maybe I’ll wait until he’s in a really good mood, and bring it up then. Being an adult sucks sometimes.

I’ve decided that it’s time for me to stop taking my antidepressants. I’ve been taking Venlafaxine (Effexor) for almost a year now. I don’t have any HUGE complaints about it. Overall its been pretty good. I just think I’m one of those lucky people that doesn’t have any crazy reactions to medications. Even when I first started taking it I never experience any nausea, headaches (more then usual), or things like that. The only two areas it has negatively effected me is my weight (I’m almost 95% positive this is to blame), and some “intense” feelings. I’ve read really horrible things about the withdrawal from this medication. Horrible, horrible things. I’m hoping because I’m on a low dose it won’t be too bad. I’ve been doing some research on the drug and found that a lot of people have complained that it effected their weight. It’s not a type of antidepressant that typically effects it drastically, but there are still cases of course. Since being on the drug I’ve been way more sensitive to certain kinds of foods, and have been retaining water like crazy. I’ve gained about 25 pounds since starting on Venlafaxine, and haven’t changed my eating or exercise habits drastically to cause the weight gain.There are also times where I feel like I’m sort of having an out of body experience. Everything slows down and seems very unreal (if that makes any sense at all). I also feel as if it has taken all my feelings away. I have emotions, don’t get me wrong, but they are very short lived. My brain seems to be moving a million miles a minute that I don’t have time to process anything properly – everything just is what it is and I go on with my life. That’s not exactly a bad thing, but I would definitely like to get some feeling back into my life. Overall, I just don’t want to be on any medications anymore. I stopped talking oral contraceptives about a year ago, after being on them for 9 years, because I didn’t want something controlling my body. I was stopping a natural production, and I didn’t feel comfortable with that anymore. I don’t like the idea of drugs anymore. I don’t want anything “artificial” in my system, telling my body what to do or how to act. I’m worried about how this is going to effect my mood though. I’m not going to lie, I’m quite the moody person. I also suffer from anxiety, which has been a relief not to have to deal with since taking my meds. I need to do everything possible to deal with my depression and anxiety without medication. My boyfriend is a little worried about the outcome as well. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’ll love me through thick and thin – but it’s probably going to get difficult. I’m sure there will be a time period where I’m very overwhelmed, and very irritable. One of the reasons I finally decided to go on antidepressants was because of the way I was acting towards some of my friends and family. I had this horrible attitude that I shouldn’t have had towards them. For no reason I always felt negative and felt like everyone was to blame. I didn’t want to talk and open up, I just wanted to be a bitch to get everyone to leave me alone. It’s going to be hard to adjust at first.I already exercise and eat well, so that’s one thing that will help me a lot. I’m booking an appointment with a counselor very soon, so that I’m still going to take care of my mood, I’m researching more into massage therapy and acupuncture to help with depression and relaxation, since I have coverage for them through my work, and I’m going to start attending yoga classes at my gym. I need to make it my goal, every morning, to be happy. It’s going to be difficult, but I’m confident that I will get this depression under control without using medications. Wish me luck!

I’ve still been eating well and exercising frequently to try and get this extra weight off. It’s a lot harder then it was a few years ago. I’ve also come to the conclusion that my medication is somewhat to blame for this. I haven’t been eating like a pig and sleeping every hour of the day, so there is really no reason why I gained an extra 20 pounds! …I’ll keep telling myself that anyways.

I can’t wait for the summer to start!!! The weather is getting warm and Chris and I have been spending time outside – going for walks and talking the dogs to the dog park. It’s been rainy and gloomy during the week, so Chris can’t work. Instead he plays video games and watches TV all day. I’m a little jealous.

One of my good friends is going to have her baby soon! I’m so excited! I haven’t really seen her in awhile, but I still feel like we’re very close. Every since she started dating her boyfriend we haven’t seen very much of each other. They live together, so they spend a lot of time together and then she’ll hang out with him and his friends because he wants to hang out with other people. I took it personally for awhile, but then I got over it. It just is what it is. You can’t stay best of friends with someone forever, right? I mean, there are ups and downs, as with anything else. I’m hoping once she has the baby we’ll be spending more time together. I can go over and help her with the baby, and if her boyfriend goes back to work out of town I’ll be seeing her a lot more often I’m sure.

Good friends are hard to come by these days. It’s not as easy to find them, that’s for sure. It was so much easier when I was in high school to just meet people and create that kind of bond. With work I don’t really chit chat with the other ladies in my office because we’re all doing our own work. It’s also harder as I get older because more people are getting married and having babies. A lot of the time I hear “I have to check with my husband first…” before committing to going out. It’s getting pretty exhausting. Maybe I should put an ad out on craigslist. FRIEND WANTED: Must like country music and wine. The end.