What to do if you're angry with someone but HATE confrontation

Few people enjoy confrontation but when our fear of rocking the boat and upsetting others gets in the way of our ability to express our true feelings then there's the potential for serious problems.

Anger is a legitimate emotion like any other, and research suggests that burying it can lead to serious mental health issues like depression. In fact the suppression of anger has also been linked to physical illnesses including heart disease, migraines and even cancer.

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Ultimately someone who is afraid of being angry is also afraid of expressing their needs, and the related fear of being rejected when they do manage to air their views. It's important to feel able to express your needs and, while the temptation of letting things go for fear of making a situation worse might be appealing, the problem is that you may find yourself letting things go so often that you eventually you forget how to express your anger or even stop feeling entitled to it.

Having a healthy senses of entitlement when it comes to managing a situation where you feel someone is being unfair or unreasonable is important. It's also vital to remember that the expression of anger or hurt doesn't always have to be scary or even negative.

In fact, the process of learning how to resolve difficult situations effectively will have a positive impact not only on your self-esteem but potentially on the relationship between you and the person you are angry with. So, with that in mind here are five things that you can do to express your anger in a healthy and emotionally productive way:

1. Avoid expressing your anger passively

This will get you nowhere. If you keep your anger hidden or express it indirectly, the problem, whatever it is won't get resolved and will keep festering. Expressing why you feel angry, calmly and clearly, means the issue can be discussed and resolved, and you can move on. By doing this you will also be giving your self-esteem a boost because ultimately by being authentic about your feelings rather repressing them means that they (and in turn you) matter.

2. Change they way you think about anger

In my experience one of the biggest barriers to people expressing their anger is that they fear they will be seen as aggressive or rude. So its important to change the way you think about anger and see the benefits of it. Think of anger as a valid emotion that you can use constructively to have a better understanding of the person with whom you had the angry exchange with. See it as a motivator to help you address and resolve interpersonal issues and perhaps most importantly see your ability to feel and talk about your anger as a means to having less conflict in the future.

3. Use "I" statements

Owning what you say is vital in arguments- remember you are arguing your perspective, your truth and the other person will inevitably have a different point of view. By using I statements you are doing two things:

Firstly you are making it clear that this is how you feel and you need that to be acknowledged. Secondly you are showing that even though you feel this way you understand that the person in the argument may have a different point of view and that you are willing to discuss this.

You are asking for the other person to hear and respond to your experience of the situation and implying that you will afford them the same courtesy so that you can get to place f better understanding.

4. Focus on the problem rather than on the person

Defending your position by attacking the other person will put them on the defensive, and this will trap you in a negative cycle that wont allow you to resolve anything. Rather than focussing on how badly someone acted, instead focus on how those actions affected you.

5. Make it a conversation not a monologue

Remember the whole point of an argument is not hurt the other person but to get to a better place of understanding each other. And while its important to acknowledge anger and hurt feelings, simply "letting off steam" or using the other person as the object of your anger is not constructive. Instead, once you have identified what the problem is try and move towards discussing a solution together ensuring that you both feel listened to.

The materials in this web site are in no way intended to replace the professional medical care, advice, diagnosis or treatment of a doctor. The web site does not have answers to all problems. Answers to specific problems may not apply to everyone. If you notice medical symptoms or feel ill, you should consult your doctor - for further information see our Terms and conditions.