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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

A 'Dexter' Spinoff Speculation

‘Dexter’
Spin-off Speculation

by The Professor

With the recent confirmation of a 'Better Call Saul' prequel series, a spin-off of the wildly popular 'Breaking Bad', I think it's an appropriate time to explore the potential spin-offs of the other (sadly forgotten) show that is ending this year, 'Dexter'.But first let me share with you a little bit about my journey with Dexter Morgan.
Before 2008, I had never seen a single Dexter episode, but once I got around to it, I
had the pleasure of binge-watching all four seasons in about three weeks. I
bring this up to you because, sadly, since the days of the Trinity killer, the show has waned in quality. I’m talking about
shitty villains and even shittier B stories. I’m looking at you Colin Hanks and
Season 7 Quinn. In fact, the only highlights in “post-Rita” Dexter was the introduction of Jamie Batista and Hannah Mckay, and that’s only because they are both smokeshows. Yvonne Strahovski, if you’re reading this: I like it,
and I would like to put a ring on it.

No Beyonce', not you. Go home.

"Hmph"

I have a
huge grievance with the current season. 10 episodes have aired, and with talks
of a 'Dexter' spinoff, I believe the writers are spending too much time looking
ahead, and not enough giving the show the
closure (Dexter’s arc in particular) it deserves. It’s almost as if the
writers are just trying to remove the show’s namesake in order to shift the
spotlight to another character (or characters). For instance, the airtime given
to the Mizuka/Niki story could have been
given to someone involved to the main story, giving it more depth. I mean, as
much as I believe it’d be touching for Dexter to live a happy life with
Hannah, it’s too whimsical for a show centered around a serial killer. Not to
mention, it’s too simple of a solution to get Dexter out of the picture.

Needless to say, I’m all about seeing the series come to a
close, but I’m not necessarily ready to say goodbye to all the characters that
have supported (or hunted) Dex in the past 8 seasons. So, here I present to you,
a list of 3 spinoffs I would like to see in a 'Dexter'-esque show, without
Dexter.

**Note: This is listed from Least Likely to Most Likely**

Mizuka and Jamie Make a Porno

Yeah, that's right. Smile for the camera.

…This is
going to be difficult to sell. Also, I’m 90% kidding about this one.

Alright,
so picture this: Dexter and Harrison are gone, and Jamie Batista is out of work.
Meanwhile, Vince Mizuka is struggling to find his place as a father in the life
of his new-found daughter, Niki Walters. One day, Jamie shows up to Miami Metro
to visit her brother, and meets Niki. The two are instantly best friends! Niki
decides to hook Jamie up with a job at the restaurant she used to work at, and
BAM! we get to see Jamie’s boobs on a week-to-week basis. You’re welcome world.

So
where’s Mizuka in all of this? He’s obviously
going through a midlife crisis and in true perv fashion decides to moonlight as a
cameraman for the adult film industry (Insert creepy Mizuka laugh here). Jamie’s
boss at the topless bar offers her a job as a “model” and Jamie gets ensnared in
the porn biz.

The plot
thickens when one day, on the set, Jamie notices a very familiar cameraman. Dun
dun dun! It’s her biffy’s father. Will Jamie expose Mizuka’s secret life to his
daughter? Or will Mizuka reveal hers to his boss?

End
Pitch.

Where
in the World is Hannah Mckay?

"Nah nah nah nah nah nah"

Granted
this stems from my lust for the blonde babe, a series focused on Hannah Mckay
wouldn’t be a bad idea. This “pitch” relies on the assumption that Dexter dies
come the end of the series. Otherwise, if he doesn’t meet a permanent end, I
think the audience might lay in wait for a Michael C. Hall cameo. I just got back
from lunch with the man, and he told me he’s content with doing car commercials
for the rest of his career. Sorry folks.

So, back
to Hannah. As a wanted woman, the series could follow her around the globe as
she runs from the law. This show could feature Ms. Mckay spending each season
in a particular locale, allowing for fresh settings, characters and conflicts
from season to season. Season 1: Argentina, Season 2: Monaco, and maybe in
Season 3 she’ll finally cross the Narrow Sea and make it to Westeros. I
understand this is all conjecture, but I’m certain that if there is a Hannah
Mckay show, she’ll spend a decent chunk of screen time (at least) half naked.
If not, Showtime, you fucked up.

Miami
Metro Homicide

"YEEEEEAAAAAH!!!"

If you
don’t get that reference I’ll give you a hint: David Caruso

This
spin-off scenario is probably the most likely route for two reasons: One, the
characters are already introduced, and two, most of them have established
relationships with one another. Having a spin-off feature the group as opposed
to one single character will save the writers time, and will allow audiences to
dive right into the lives of people they've known for 8 years. Without our
favorite blood spatter analyst in the mix, they could focus on how the
department runs when there aren't bloodthirsty serial killers on the loose.

The
question is, will Deborah ‘Fucking’ Morgan be fucking featured on this motherfucker. Sorry, Sam Jackson got a hold
of my laptop, again (he’s such a rascal). But, fuck, I hope so... Deb Morgan is awesome. Recently, her character arc has been tied to Dexter, so it’d be interesting
to see how she’ll develop once he’s gone and she’s back to running things. However, and this is crucial, I will not watch this show if Deb and Quinn get back together. Sorry, my love
for Deb doesn't outweigh my disdain for her ex-fiancé.