Hollywood has a long, rich tradition of historical abominations, but never has there been a
history done more abominably than
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

If only they had made this insane conceit more fun. If only they had taken it all a bit less
seriously. But the film, adapted by the same fellow who wrote the inexplicably popular novel of the
same title, isn’t even decent camp.

Seth Grahame-Smith’s silly script re-imagines the Rail Splitter as a vampire vanquisher, a man
seeking vengeance on the monsters who killed his mother, who conveniently are mostly Southern and
support slavery because they’re in need of a “a fresh crop” to feed on whom no one — no one white,
anyway — will miss in pre-Civil War America.

Snippets of real history slip into the story as Harriet Tubman makes an appearance, Abe debates
Stephen Douglas (Alan Tudyk), courts Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and wears the burden of
the bloodletting of the Civil War.

Abe carries his mother’s maxim in his heart, that “until every man is free, we are all slaves.”
And because he is a samurai of the swinging ax, he has the means to have his revenge — and free the
slaves, too.

Which brings us to our leading man. Throughout Hollywood history, the towering screen presences
of each era have blanched at playing Lincoln, arguably America’s most iconic president. Henry
Fonda, Raymond Massey and Gregory Peck are among the few who dared and got away with it.

Inexperienced Benjamin Walker lacks the spark, the charisma, the confidence to be anything but a
limp Lord of the Ax Dancers.

Vampire Hunter is an all-around failure, with poor Walker a tall, thin deer caught in the
kerosene headlamps of a locomotive going off the tracks.