Sunday, May 5, 2013

Hips don't lie.....!

Summer is definitely here! And I am not going by the crazy mercury levels! Just look at these magnificent Brazilian Copper Pods in full and glorious bloom right outside my window! The streets are strewn with flowers.... who notices the dirt beneath that carpet of gold?? That's my attitude to life as well - focus on the fragrance... the delicate beauty of seasonal flowers.... ignore the kachra. You'll be a lighter, happier person. Promise!
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This appeared in Mumbai Mirror....

Why jeans matter
more than genes to women…

Let’s face it… most Indian women ( I
instantly include myself) are hip heavy. We
prefer to call our body type by slightly more flattering names,
insisting we are blessed with ‘child bearing’ pelvic girdles. This is utter
rubbish, of course. I mean just look at Victoria Beckham’s unreal proportions (damn
her genes and jeans). Here’s a woman who has produced four gorgeous babies
phataphat.And is a size minus zero. Closer to home, there’s our very own desi
Posh, the luscious, lissome Shilpa Shetty ( for proof, check her out on the cover of the
latest Hello! with toddler Viaan on her hip). Look at those dangerous curves.
So… out goes that silly child bearing hips
theory. Popping out multiple babies is not connected to the dimensions of ones girth, especially that annoying ‘hippy’
statistic. And since we are at that time of the year ( summer vacations), when
women across the world want their bods to be bikini-perfect, let’s not get too
ambitious for now and just stick to the jeans crisis. Bikinis can wait. Last
year’s favourite denims no longer fit, right? But they are still there in your
closet, teasing and taunting you to try them on. You don’t dare, because you
know the awful truth. Deep within your heart, you have accepted defeat. But you
refuse to admit it.Finally,you resign yourself to what the mirror is shouting
out at you, and shame- facedly settle for track pants ( how I hate them!),
telling yourself, it’s fine to travel in tracks….if Katrina Kaif can, you can. Idiotic reasoning.
I mean… have you seen Katrina’s toned butt? It gets worse. You start digging
for still older pairs that are hidden inside the deep recesses of your
closet.Surely, you’ll find something that fits? No?? Then why are all those
discarded jeans still there? Aha… ha ha
ha … because you live in hope! You are convinced ‘one day’ you will be back in
shape and able to squeeze into them! Those perfect denims are a symbol of desperation and aspiration. You hang on to
them. You cling! Because you are a true believer in your own will power. Besides,
you hate throwing away a “perfectly good pair of hardly worn jeans!” Obviously,
you have never paid close attention to Shakira’s mega hit ‘Hips don’t lie.” Please…. take a good look at her booty…. and
go die! Huge, yes. But worth a million bucks – literally!

Giving up on your hips is the worst thing a
woman can do. Give up on other body parts if you must, but not those hips.
Remember, not even the best constructed gown or clingy saree can effectively
camouflage love handles. If you have them, you have them. That’s the time to
blame it all on genes. Stare at old, faded photographs, fondly remember your
granny (‘naani ki yaad’ gets a new spin), reconstruct the family tree … and
console yourself. What can you do if you are unlucky enough to be born into a
family of women with generous hips? I made my uneasy peace with this particular
problem a long time ago. Someone smart advised, “Sit on your base and look
after your face.’’ I was forty at the time. Sensible advice, I like to think.
There are some unflattering home truths that need to be accepted with grace.
What’s the big deal? Yes, you should continue with your daily work out, eat
sensibly, drink lots of water, sleep well…. blah ,blah,blah. But should a
couple of inches ( okay… more than a couple) ruin a much needed summer break?
Never! Should you chuck those old jeans? Never! They are motivational and
needed. They tell you what even best friends don’t. You hate them for it. Fine.
But it’s key to pay attention. And lose weight. Oh… not rightaway! After the
vacations will do. And while you are out there, shopping cheek-by-jowl with
ladies who could be Posh… or Shilpa, don’t despair . Move as far away from them
as possible and search for jeans that really, really s-t-r-e-t-c-h from Milan
to Mumbai. Or stick to caftans. About those bitchy beach babes staring
pointedly at your derriere…. Honey, hasn’t anybody told you about the ultimate
izzat savers also known as sarongs???

Truth be told, recently I have not always been able to ignore the dross and embrace the gold. The puritanical part of me says wallowing in self pity is very indulgent. The emotionally lazy part of me thinks I am giving myself a emotional vacation by allowing myself to not constantly fight against the bad stuff. Total konfuzion in heart and mind. I should emulate your attitude and joi de vivre. Life does look up. Things get better always. Will keep your picture of the blooming tree in mind.

About the hips... aiyooooo.... that is a South Asian story still to be told. As I get to a certain age, I have been warned by my doctors to watch the waist versus hip size. As South Asians we have a genetic propensity for diabetes and hip/waist ratios are good indicators of whether we will suffer from the dread disease. So be kind to yourself and get your waist in order way before your 40's. Hips can stay hippy but kamar cannot become a kamra.

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