Ask A Woman: Say it with me — “Thank you.”

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Dear Beth,

All my life I’ve been a rather plump fellow who would rather enjoy a good meal than a good work out. Things in life changed, and I ended up slimming down, getting really fit, and have actually been working the past year as a full time model.

Since I’ve been modeling, I’ve received a thousand times more compliments on my physical appearance and sense of fashion. The problem is, due to my appearance and lifestyle before, I never really got a lot of compliments on my looks, and really don’t know how to respond graciously without seeming like an arrogant prick. What are some things to say or appropriate reactions to receive a compliment graciously? My strategy right now of getting flustered and tongue tied doesn’t really seem to be working all that well.

- Edward.

Hi Edward,

Are you living the dream or what? Seriously, congrats on the new direction of your life, and your success. Uh-oh. I just complimented you. Better read quickly so you know how to react…

I agree that it is important to know how to accept a compliment graciously. False modesty is not very attractive.

“You look hot in that blazer.”

“What? Yeah right.”

“No, seriously, you look really good.”

“No, I haven’t been to the gym in three days, my gut is disgusting.”

“You can’t even tell, really, you look amazing.”

“No I don’t.”

Fine. You look like a slob and you should be grateful I’m even talking to you. Loser. Refusing a compliment or bumbling it puts the nice person who gave you said compliment in an awkward position. They end up having to insist you’re God’s gift…or abandon the compliment altogether.

“Ladies, I want a clean fight. Loser must accept the other’s compliment.”

The first thing you have to realize is that you don’t have to agree with the person who is giving you the compliment.

“You look hot in that blazer.”

“I know, right?”

Not that this is an inappropriate response, but it’s not required. You don’t even have to agree internally. If you really do think you look like a tub of guts in the blazer, that’s fine. But the person complimenting you doesn’t think that, and they aren’t asking you what you think of yourself. The second thing to keep in mind is that you can respond to the kindness of the person complimenting you, instead of the compliment itself.

“You look hot in that blazer.”

“Wow, what a nice thing to say.”

Other variations on this are: That’s so sweet/kind/nice/flattering; Your opinion means a lot to me; I wasn’t sure how this looked on me so I’m glad you like it; what-have-you. Start out with these sorts of responses, which, oddly enough, are easier than the plain old “Thank you.” I think that’s because the other responses deflect the compliment a bit, whereas “Thank you” is a wholehearted acceptance of the compliment. Again, it may be hard at first; it just takes practice…but what a problem to have, eh?

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Comment Rules: Write only what you’d say to a person’s face. Keep it civil and when you disagree, propose an alternative. Thank you for adding to the conversation.

Chris

So basically, it goes like this:

“Looking good today”

-“I’m looking good everyday”

“Hey, nice shirt”

-“I’m sure it would look even better on you next morning” (preferably said to a woman but hey, it’s a free country, live like you wanna live)

“I like your belt”

-“Do you want me to take it off, so you can examine it closely?” (see the note above)

“That’s some sexy underwear you’re wearing”

-“….” (at this point you don’t really have to say anything, but still, do include the smug look on your face)

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2013540 Philip Coffaro

I feel like being handsome enough to be a model and also being aloof probably has women going absolutely berserk for this fella. Was there anyone harder to compete with as a male than the good looking, slightly aloof guy?

http://www.jessydiamond.com/ Jessy

I like the “I know, right?” kind of response.

fattsmann

The good looking, _confident_, and yet not arrogant, guy? And then add to that not looking for a hook up.

fattsmann

What happened to simply saying, “Oh, thanks.” or “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

I agree with Beth regarding acknowledging the complimenter: If you acknowledge that _they_ said a compliment, not the compliment itself (which makes you sound arrogant), then it changes the dynamic. And it makes the person who said the compliment feel heard and good about what they did.

On a related tangent, the art of _giving_ a compliment (the flip side), the more specific you can be (your opinion included), the better. It’s like saying “Good job” vs. “Joe, I want to let you know that when you submitted that report on time last week, you saved the company $1 billion. Thank you for that Joe.”

Some people can interpret “Good job” as condescending or having some ulterior motives (especially in a highly political workplace). The second compliment, you can’t deny that you submitted the report on time and you may be able to check that the company did save indeed $1 billion from that. It’s as clear a compliment as you can give — the receiver knows they were noticed because you noticed something specifically that they did!

So if you really want to make someone feel noticed, compliments like “Hair good” or “Smell like bacon. Me want” are less than “You haircut looks nice because it brings out your eyes” or “Wow you smell great today because your bacon perfume triggers areas in my brain that involve hunger and desire and that makes your scent attractive to me as a man. Let’s eat together at the midday meal?”

Foh-shay

When complimented on my appearance or dress, I’ll usually respond by saying “I appreciate the kind words, thank you” or something to that effect. If said earnestly, I don’t think you’ll come off dickish at all.

Loscv29

I feel like this was a wasted, “Ask a Woman”…. The tagline summed it all up in one sentence.

On that note… Joe, ever thought of making an “ask a woman” rapid fire? Short questions, short replies?

Brian

Preferably said to a woman? Why does it matter to you?

BenR

As an introverted (i.e. frequently perceived as aloof) guy, I can safely reveal the whole “aloof guy” thing is not as irresistible to women as you might be assuming.

YP

I read on another blog that the optimal answer here is, “Thank you, that’s really nice of you to say.” I think that probably works in almost every situation.

Vinny Cuntino

I agree. Not much need for elaboration on this one.

There is a LOT of good information on this blog and I check it daily but honestly, the Ask a Woman section is my second least favorite part of the blog. Dappered Classics, most of which aren’t even a year old, to me is kind of pointless. How about devoting more space to all the great sales and product reviews?

Just my $.02

Greg_S

I interpreted that as preferably a woman for him, but that it doesn’t matter to him about other people..

Sure, the stereotypical male model will probably win the competition for stereotypical chick models. But if you’re a Dappered kind of guy looking for a quality girl, the male model probably isn’t much direct competition.

Since we’re talking stereotypes- the first two things that come to mind when I hear “male model” are 1) no stable job and 2) *knows* he’s hot (and is probably a tool).

Vinny Cuntino

I agree. A lot of men simply play the “aloof guy” role because they think it is what women want. Of course, being overly polite/agreeable can look needy and desperate but that doesn’t mean you have the swing the pendulum completely the other way.

And if you are going to be aloof and confident (which many confuse with arrogance) you better have a good reason to be. If you are morbidly obese, shabbily dressed, unemployed/financially insecure and sleeping on a couch in your parent’s basement, your confidence is going to seem woefully out of place.

Joshua Barget

“You’re too kind.”

BenR

I used to have this problem – not knowing how to respond appropriately to compliments. As it turns out, deflection and self-deprecation come off as rude and unappreciative rather than modest. A smile and a simple “Thank you” is all you need. Variations like “Thank you, I really appreciate it,” or “Thanks, that’s very kind of you” also work perfectly well.

zach_p

If it’s appropriate, you can always respond with “thank you, I really like your [article of clothing] too.” But only if you really mean it – you don’t want to risk sounding inauthentic.

http://twitter.com/RonaldoCombs ron combs

Beth, don’t listen to this guy.

Vinny Cuntino

So the white knight has come out of the woodwork. There’s one in every crowd.

Saad Ghazipura

Hey now I actually thought this was one of the best “ask a woman” posts yet. Not really something we needed the “female touch” for but the advice is solid. Now I don’t get complimented like Edward but I always said thank you and hoped I’m not sounding like an arrogant prick. To sum it up, I read, I learned, I liked so thank you Beth.

CHoov

Return compliment? Can be a bit cheesy, sure, but if you can pull off funny (which almost every guy tries to do) you’re fine.

“You look good today”
“Thanks, not as good as you though” (add a wink for the ladies)

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