According to the news, Brahmy boy communicated with a man from Texas for the better part of a week in an extremely gay contest to see who could make "a scarier story." Needless to say, Jake proved himself the better man, and won. Or failed. Actually, he did essentially win, he won free ass rape for at least 100 years. Moar on that later.

After coming up with the steaming load of pasta, Brahm proceeded to spam 4chan with it, forcing it into eventual memehood. As with other forced memes, absolutely zero lulz resulted from this process, and virtually everybody was pissed off at the jackass and all who re-posted his shit. But since /b/ is so gloriously anonymous, nobody could go to his house and kick his scrawny little ass.

Pretty soon the feds got wind of the pasta (F.B.I. getting involved because of that fuckin' interstate commerce clause). Because the feds actually know what the fuck they are talking about, they assuaged Mr. and Mrs. American's primal fear of getting slaughtered brutally like some kind of herd animal in a cage. But being the feds, they wanted to know who was fucking with America's collective mind.

Because Jake's a faggot, he didn't use a proxy like someone who isn't a complete fucking stupid asshole would. This made it double-super-easy for the feds to come over to his house and ass-fuck him with a party van. He didn't even enter into a 12-hour standoff with the cops (what a pussy) culminating with making himself an hero. No Golden iPod for you, faggot! Right now he's been released to the freedom of Milwaukee, probably to get toasted up again. Also, he's been B& from teh interbutt, giving much lulz to all those who knew him.

As of now, Jake has been charged with 6 counts of infringing on the NFL's rights to charge 6 dollars for hot dogs and 8 dollars for 12 ounce beers. In a story strangely lacking in exploding vans, Faux News reported that he was sentenced to 6 months of hard time in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison, and 6 months of hizzouse arrest. Brahm also had to pay $26,750 for the extra security costs the stadiums claimed after the threat. Being a 19-year old white boy who's built like a swimmer, he's totally going to take it in the pooper in prison.

The U.S. attorney that prosecuted Brahm called "much of 4chan.org's content 'inane', saying it ranged from running jokes to images of kittens, pornography and violence," and that Jake was "the poster boy of what can go wrong" when you spend too much time on 4chan. This confirms our worst fears: the government now knows all of Moot's top sekrit plans to take over the internets and then the NFL.