We don't want to do this. We NEED to do this bc my niece knows. I realize this is not an ideal reason for telling my parents (whom she has lived with and where we stay when we visit the province) but if it gets to them from her rather then us...well, I would rather that not happen.

Lots of butterflies in my belly...my heart is in my throat. Please think of us and send some good vibes, thoughts and prayers (if you pray) our way.

I had to tell my Mom. I also had to come up with some very firm boundaries with her as I knew she would be questioning my actions at every turn and my H's as well. It really helped by having a very frank conversation with her and giving her very specific things that she could/could not do from the beginning, and letting her know that I just wanted her to be supportive of me no matter what I was doing in my M.

Good luck!

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008

LA44♀ 38384Member # 38384

Posted: 4:55 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013

Thank you Digb! We will make clear that we don't want to be anyone's anecdote. My dad is great that way. My mom...I worry about. My sister totally f'd up and told at least 6 people including her 17 year old daughter. Brillant. Thanks sis! I will never tell her anything of consequence again. If she hadn't told her daughter, we would not be telling my parents.

And if anyone here recalls a post called, Here's how you do it - telling inlaws (or something to that effect - please let me know what forum it was on.

I told my mother. I didn't want to, but she saw my copy of 'Not Just Friends' when she was staying with us to help after my youngest son was born. She didn't ask, but I knew she would wonder and it would be this nasty thing between us trying to keep it a secret. It had been almost 8 months since DDay. We both cried. We had a long, heartfelt conversation. I made sure she knew that I processed the information and I made the decision to stay (I hadn't been forced or guilted into making it). I gave her some details of the work we (he) is doing as we move forward together. And, we prayed (cause that's just what we do). It took an immense weight off my shoulders having her know. I hope you have a positive outcome too. Prayers your way.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Jan 2013

Knowing♀ 37044Member # 37044

Posted: 5:04 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013

When I told my mom and my dad (seperately), and the other people in my life I was "informing them" of the state of our M, not asking for advice, just wanting their support for the reconciliation process.

It really is a "private matter" but since they are part of my support circle I thought we should let them in, but with clear boundaries. I wanted to avoid meddling. We presented a united front, gave no details except to conclude that were working on our M since the A. For me, the rest is on a need-to-know basis.

Good luck. Please do away with shame. Ms are not perfect (and neither are the f-ed up people we married). I spoke to one of my oldest friends in the world today, to ask about his experience with infidelity (they are D, mad hatters) and he wanted me to know that infidelity is way more common than we realize, especially in longer relationships (according to him) and we don't find out how many of our friend's and family's Ms have been affected by this until it happens to us.

Hugs, LA. I hope everything goes exactly the way that would be easiest for you.

My Dad was great when he found out and took the opportunity to take me aside, just the two of us and ask bluntly, "Honey, are you done with him?" When I said, "Not yet, Dad. I want to see where this goes." He nodded and has taken time to interact with WH since, just the two of them. My WH thinks the world of my dad and it meant a lot to him.

My mom, on the other hand, can't be in the same room with WH without spitting venom in his direction. It seems to be all about her being angry he isn't treating one of her possessions correctly. Yeah, she's pretty borderline NPD in how she views people and their value. FUN.

Deep breaths, LA. It will help that you two go in as an united front.

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013

karmahappens♀ 35846Member # 35846

Posted: 6:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013

Mojo headed your way LA.

You will be ok.

Hugs

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3909 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts

blakesteele♂ 38044Member # 38044

Posted: 6:49 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013

At the pool with my girls...just a quick note of support for you both!!! Inspiring that you both agree this tough task is something to be tended to....and the fact that you are tending to this together is AWESOME!

Back from the pool...Praying for you both intentionally and specifically. I asked my wife to too...was a nice feeling for me to do this....thanks for the opportunity to engage my wife in with a peaceful venture!

I have a feeling this is going to result in many good things for your whole family.

I had to set firm boundaries with my Mom too...but it works! I don't confide in my Mom with many details...but it is nice when she asks how I am doing and I answer in generalities. In several ways this sharing with my Mom is improving my relationship with her.

In several ways this sharing with my Mom is improving my relationship with her.

and this too blakesteele

Truth has power....and that power should not be feared.

and from Knowing...I used this tonight.

When I told my mom and my dad (seperately), and the other people in my life I was "informing them" of the state of our M, not asking for advice, just wanting their support for the reconciliation process.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

sailorgirl♀ 38162Member # 38162

Posted: 1:03 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013

Thinking of you, LA44!

We have not told my parents about the A, but did tell them about WH's parents abusing and abandoning him.

I realized that they could only handle a little of this very dark news at a time. They came across as bordering on uncaring, but I think it's more that this stuff is really depressing and worrisome so they get overwhelmed emotionally.