Peter Capaldi Says Moffat Will Do As He’s Fucking Told

Peter Capaldi pointing in the direction he intends to throw Moffat’s scrotum.

Peter Capaldi has revealed in an interview with the Telegraph that he is essentially in charge of Doctor Who as Steven Moffat basically does whatever he tells him to do.

“Ste-mo was all like ‘You and Clara can get flirty’ but I wasn’t having that shite on my watch so I squared up to him real close until I could hear his tiny little whimpers of fear and said ‘Now listen up you dough faced two-trick pony. Do you know who the fuck I am? I’m Peter fucking Capaldi and I’ve been a fan of this show before you were out of nappies. That’s the only fucking reason I’m here. To do this my way, the way it should be fucking done. If you want some prancing Jenny to act out your wank fantasies go get Matt Smith back. The only way you are going to make sure that I don’t harm a single wiry pube on your bulbous head is if you sit the fuck down, shut your fucking mouth and do EXACTLY what I fucking tell you to.”’

Anne Incider, a spokesperson for the Doctor Who production office said the whole thing was a sight to behold. “He swept in like a man with purpose and ripped Ste-mo a new one. I didn’t hear much apart from the swearing but I definitely heard him yell ‘…and while you’re at it hire a female director you male chauvinist ballbag!’. There was the sound of breaking furniture and a lot of high pitched yelping which I assume was coming from Ste-mo himself as he doen’t own a small dog. After Capaldi left Ste-mo came out of the office looking white as a sheet apart from the red rings around his eyes. He has a large, wet stain on his trousers which he swore was coffee but definitely smelt like piss.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that this was and unprecedented power grab by a lead actor of the show. “Doctor Who has a history of difficult leading men to be sure. When William Hartnell wasn’t arguing with directors he was leaving his socks in Peter Purves’ tea and it’s well known that Jon Pertwee flatly refused to shoot a frame of season 11 until someone built him a car that looked like a spaceship.

“The only other leading man to attempt such a seizure of power was Tom Baker when he decided that he wanted to do whatever he felt like at the time regardless of what anyone else was doing while Graham Williams was the producer. It got the the point that if Williams wanted his own way then he had to best Baker in a series of physical challenges ranging from arm wrestling to bare knuckle fist fighting in the Blue Peter garden. John Nathan-Turner only managed to rein Tom in by spiking his gin with laudanum. That’s why he gives such a muted performance during season 18.”

Capaldi said that he would only use his new found power for good. “I feel I have a responsibility to do right by the show’s history and all of the great people who have brought it to the screen both in front and behind the camera. Plus, let’s be honest, it’s not like I could make it any worse.”