January 03, 2008

CHAOS THEORY: January 2007

Happy New Year, my friends!

Sorry for the delayed absence. After two weeks of vacation, I've practically forgotten how to type, shower, shave, speak English, or wear clothes while eating.

On the plus side, I've confirmed that my true life's destiny is to become a professional bon vivant. I remember when my immigrant father retired, he was worried about how he was going to spend his days after working non-stop his entire life. Screw that!

If anything, the past two weeks have taught me that I would be fucking fantastic at retired life. Bring me your finest meats and cheeses! Who wants another mai tai?

Anyway, I'm still readjusting to normal society. I promise to write more in the coming year. Meanwhile, here are a few quick thoughts:

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SANTA CLAUS: THE CARROT AND THE STICK

Sadly, I regret to inform all of you that we never made it to see Santa this year for the annual photo session. Whenever I mentioned it, the Peanut started freaking out.

On the plus side, she learned about Santa at school. She doesn't know about the elves or the North Pole or any of that shit. However, she gets the gist that if she behaves like a good girl, Santa will bring her presents.

For the past month, whenever she started giving me attitude, I'd just give her the Korean Death Stare (KDS,) reach for my cell phone, and say, "That's it. I'm calling Santa right now!" Wham! Total obedience.

And now, even though Christmas is over, I've got the whole thing down to a science. Whenever the Peanut gets cranky, I just lean over and whisper softly in her ear, "Santa." It's awesome.

That whole thing I said a few weeks ago about not wanting my daughter to be concerned with an omnipotent mythical father figure making value judgments about her behavior? Forget I ever mentioned it.

OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT (AGAIN!)

For the record...from now on, I am NEVER going to ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's in the hospital, has her feet in stirrups, and is pushing out a baby.

READING IS FUNDAMENTAL

One of the highlights of my vacation was just having hours upon hours to read leisurely while lying on the beach. Even though I'm a speed reader, I was still tearing through books like a mofo. Anyway, because many of you often e-mail me and ask what I'm reading, here's a quick recap of what I've read over the past week:

Free Food for Millionaires (Min Jin Lee): Very impressive but somewhat flawed debut novel about an angry young Korean-American woman, raised by status-conscious immigrant parents in Queens, who falls out with them after she graduates from Princeton. Although the characters' troubles and struggles are cross-cultural, I think those of you whom are of Asian descent would appreciate this book more. It's almost great.

After Dark (Haruki Murakami): Classic Murakami. As always, his writing is hypnotically alluring and filled with themes of loneliness and alienation. Delicate. Suspenseful. And magical. If you've never read Murakami before, this is a good book with which to start.

Life Lessons from America's Greatest Writers: This is an anthology of never-before-published short essays by America's literary greats, culled from speeches they've given over the years at the annual PEN/Faulkner gala. Particularly great pieces from George Plimpton, Joyce Carol Oates, Alice Hoffman, Hoyce Carol Oates, and William Styron. Great toilet-reading material.

Confessions of an Economic Hit Man (John Perkins): The author claims to have been chief economist at a private firm helping U.S. intelligence agencies and multinationals cajole and blackmail foreign leaders into serving U.S. foreign policy and awarding lucrative contracts to American business. I don't know what annoyed me more about this book, the poor writing or the self-inflated pretension. Skip it.

NEIL CUMPSTON: WORLD'S GREATEST FILM REVIEWER

I admit it. I'm a total effete film snob. My tastes usually run towards quirky or daring independent films, obscure foreign films, or arthouse movies. I see films at Lincoln Center. I read Film Comment magazine. And I have a little nerd crush on Pauline Kael and her writing.

Ironically, I usually hate people who are snobs about anything. Take music for example. Is there anything more annoying than speaking to a music buff who keeps dropping references to bands that you've never even heard of? That's why I generally keep my film preferences to myself.

MetroBro, a writer/director of independent films who not only shares my film sensibilities but also my strange sense of humor, recently sent me a link to a few reviews by Neil Cumpston, a brilliantly foul-mouthed film reviewer who is the most refreshingly honest critic writing today. It's like reading a review by your drunk uncle who suffers from Tourette's.

Take for example, his review of the forthcoming J.J. Abrams-produced horror flick CLOVERFIELD (Warning: language NSFW)...

"So here's the story: a monster attacks News York City. But that's not the fucked-up part.

The monster RIPS THE LIVING SHIT out of the city, and everyone in its path. It's like the Iraq War and Hurricane Katrina and Kathy Griffin's vagina combined and turned into a giant murder-beast and it's hungry for every hip person in Manhattan.

Which is another cool thing about the movie – everyone that's getting eaten are like characters you see in those annoying movies that are always on IFC and Fagdance. Movies with titles like Thinkin' 'Bout Being Sad and Zoe Gets a Latte and 2 Bedrooms.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the giant monster starts rubbing itself on buildings, and then stuff falls off it's gross body and crawls the fuck away – only the crawling-away stuff doesn't stay away for long, if you know what I mean...Also, I don't know if the movie-makers are looking for poster quotes, but this movie is like a pussy that eats YOU out."

As most people understand, 2007 was a tough year for the economy. For those of us who run small businesses dependent on the retail market, it was especially tough. Personally, my company had a rough year. Consumer spending was down. Sales were down. Margins were lower. Meanwhile, health care costs, taxes, and Manhattan office rents went through the fucking roof.

Despite the bad year, I not only threw a holiday party for all my employees but I also gave everyone a cash bonus. I wanted them to have some extra money so they could really enjoy the holidays with their families. This wasn't easy for me to do. In fact, in order to do it, I had to borrow money from the bank and forgo giving myself any bonus.

I have 10 employees working for me. For each one, I wrote a personal note, gave them a gift that I bought myself, and enclosed a bonus check. Guess how many of them thanked me? TWO! Is that fucking incredible or what? Not surprisingly, the only ones who thanked me were older.

As for the younger ones? What do you think it was? Lack of manners? Sense of entitlement? Ignorance about the state of the economy? Upbringing? I've told this story to a few friends my age and it didn't seem to surprise any of them. WTF?

My daughter is three. And if you handed her a piece of shit off the sidewalk, she'd still look you right in the eye, smile, and say, "thank you very much."

MELANCHOLY AND THE INFINITE SADNESS

I think I've got the post-holiday blues. Or maybe I'm suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affliction Disorder.) I spent the past 4 days out at the Doctor's house in the Hamptons. He's got this incredible Sonos/Rhapsody sound system. Basically, you can listen to any song ever written in the entire universe. For the past 4 days, I was loading up his music queue with the world's most depressing songs. Finally, the Doctor had to grab the remote control from my hands and smack me on the fucking head. Anyway, in case you're interested, here are my five favorite current depressing songs:

Comments

Santa brought Little Mary Sunshine an Irish Dancing Barbie. This was lame on so many fronts. A. Being married to an Irishman, whose country's major cultural output (of late) is a style of dance that involves Never Moving Your Arms, and B. Barbie.

New Years Resolutions:
1. If a certain tool would make a job easier, just go and fucking buy it already.
2. Build a 1Kwatt kickass soundsystem. Any hobby that involves woodwork, soldering and sphincter loosening Techno Basslines is the hobby for me.
3. Get muddy with the sprogster more often.

Right, so I work for my dad. I've been his employee for almost a decade. And his partner, I work with him but I don't technically work for him. The Friday before Christmas, us three Jews congregated in my dad's office for my quasi review and a presentation of a bonus check - something I've never expected and always felt uncomfortable taking. I must have uttered a gazillion thank you's before backing out the door like a pageant winner, waving a curled hand and dabbing tears as they rolled down my cheeks.

Either you're an appreciative person or an asshat. Sounds like you have a few asshats on your payroll.

When I was 25, a college friend passed away. The Scientist had just come out. It reminds me so much of that time, and specifically of how self-conscious she was about a scar on her face from one of her surgeries. I listened to it over and over for weeks.

Right on, Susan: Anything by Damien Rice. Sheesh. I saw him in concert and he was plodding along on the piano and just stopped, mid-song, and said, "Fuck it," and grabbed his guitar and launched into a new song. Might have been a rehearsed moment, but even *he* seemed unable to stand the melancholy anymore.

MD, I'm sorry that your younger employees are all a bunch of etiquette illiterates. When did basic human interaction and courtesy become the exception to the rule? I must have missed that memo.

Wow, those are some depressing songs. I just played all 5 of them. Sounded good though -- anything would sound good to me right now since I've listened to my kids playing "Wanted: Dead or Alive" about 10,000 times on their Rock Band game in the past week.

Our company had a rough year too. We didn't have any formal Christmas party and nobody received any bonuses. All the kids in their 20's were bitching and sniping about it until one of the older managers heard them and loudly tore them a new one.

He yelled at them they should grow up and stop seeing bonuses as just another part of getting paid. Bonuses should be for hard work and rewards for a job well done. Here he was, an older man with a mortgage and two kids. If he wasn't complaining about not getting a bonus, why should these young snotheads?

After he was done, everyone in the office over 30 gave him a standing ovation.

Don't even get me started on the younger generation. I work in advertising with a bunch of recent college grads. I've never seen a generation with such a sense of entitlement. When my peers and I started out in advertising, we knew how hard it was to climb the ladder so we busted our ass every day. These days, if I ask one of the kids to stay past 5:30, they give me attitude. Unreal!

Favorite depressing song: All I Needed to Say by Michael W. Smith. (From my contemporary Christian music days - how embarrassing - but it came out right after my sister died suddenly and hit home. Still does.) New Year's resolution: To try to understand my 11-year-old daughter better - I feel like I never know what the hell I'm doing with her. BUT! I have at least taught her to be grateful and to show that gratitude. What do you say when you get something from someone Emma? Thank you! What do you say when you get something from someone that you already have Emma? Thank you! What do you say when you get something from someone and you don't like it Emma? Thank you! I'm sorry your employees weren't more thankful - they will be after they read your post today I bet! (Hi D!)

Is it wrong that my new year's resolution is to stop being so nice to everyone? I feel like I've been a doormat for the past few years and I'm sick of it. No more niceness on my part until I start getting some of it back!

yeah please be careful with the pregnant question. Someone asked me once and I not only never ever wore that outfit again (which, that morning, I thought looked really nice on me) but I never went back to that chinese restaurant again (it was someone who worked there who asked me) which sucked because it was the best yet least expensive in the area.

Regarding the Korean Death Stare...freaking hilarious. My mother had one of the all-time legendary KDS faces. One look from her and all of us kids would be frozen with fear. It even scared the piss out of our father. I'm glad to hear it works on kids today. I've got to start practicing mine.

I've been having the winter blues also these days and have been listening to A LOT of depressing music. Your song choices are awesome. Can't wait to add them to my rotation. One can only listen to so much Belle & Sebastian. Thanks, MD.

Hmm . . . I used to work overseas where we got bonuses twice a year -- but they were seen as part of our compensation package, and not as a gift. Just like we didn't say thank you for our salaries, we didn't see a need to say thank you for our bonuses.

I will fault them for not thanking you for the hand-chosen gifts, though. I get a gift card from my boss at the end of the year, and I say thank you for that.

The people you gave a note, present, and check to didn't even say thanks? That's just messed up! I knew New Yorkers are supposed to be rude, but that's taking things too far. I could see if you were the CEO of a company with 400 employees, maybe you wouldn't get many responses to a holiday card or something. But 10 employees?

I'll stop gasping for air now. I'm sure you already get that I'm shocked and appalled. And you sound like a great boss--need an editor?

I was so looking forward to the Santa pic...we took our first one (company holiday family day thingie) and he is screaming his head off, understandably b/c we were waiting on line for about an hour, ran out of snacks and tore him away from the random Snowman costume dude that he was OCDing on. So by the time he saw what we were waiting on line for he was FURIOUS. But it's documented much to my husband's embarrassment and horror (me, not so much). Next year we'll try the non denominational Rockettes line up instead; he likes pretty girls.

MD - great resolutions. I'm making a Tyler Florence fried chicken recipe this month. Saw it on Food Network and it had my mouth watering! That's as far as I've gotten on resolutions.

It's hit or miss when you have young employees. I think they do have a huge sense of entitlement. Luckily for me, my one employee is a 20-something, and he's amazing. Very thankful! Works really hard and is always going above and beyond. I bought him an iPod Touch, because he rocks! So, they are out there, but in smaller numbers than the world needs (tried to hire his buddy last year, but he was more of what you've experienced, so I said no).

My wife took a sushi-making class a few years ago. I think it was because she was afraid I was going to bankrupt our family by eating at Sushi Yasuda once a week. It's great though. Every Saturday morning, I wake up early to buy the fresh fish. Then, we invite a few friends over and have these massive sushi feasts. Care to come over some time? I'll shoot you an e-mail.

I received a cash bonus at work during the holidays. I walked over to my team lead, as he's the one that signed the card, sat in the chair near his desk, looked him in the eyes and said, "thank you." He replied, "you know it wasn't actually MY money, right?" So, uhm, apparently few know how to receive OR give.

It's completely inexcusable that your employees did not thank you for their bonuses. In "the old days," it would have been de rigeur to send a hand-written thank you note. Now, I guess it's too much to even expect a thank you e-mail.