Thursday, April 8, 2010

Relationships - 1

Relationships are both magical and problematic, the sweet nectar of the flower and the sting of the bee. There is indeed a draw, something toward union, in any relationship. However, when gender is involved there is an added attractant, an added hint of promise of too opposites coming together fulfilled. But what we may miss is a subtler work, the use of this attraction to cleanse and mature us, to free us from ego so that we might love, to free us from the human condition so that we might realize the Divine within us.

Intense committed relationships provide, from a Divine perspective, the opportunity for psycho-social and even spiritual maturity. The dynamics in a relationship are set up to push us toward greater health in terms of honesty and integrity, both to ourselves (inwardly) and to another (outwardly.) They teach us how to love—which includes self care and surrender, setting boundaries while also entering or being entered, mastering aloneness as well as togetherness, caring and empathizing while not necessarily agreeing. The very relationship that provides the most happiness will also provide the most pain—and the greatest opportunity for psycho-spiritual growth.

When we move close to another we may at first feel somewhat euphoric since there are two people that are so open to the possibility of the other—the promise of perfection—that they open so wide and soft, inviting the other. At this point they willingly and easily provide for each other many of the things they’ve longed for—tenderness, listening, greeting with a wide-eyed smile.

However, in time we find that there are flaws and setups that keep us from being as healthy to each other and/or to ourselves as we really need. Some people settle for what they get. They don’t want to risk anything. They have “something” and that’s better than “less or nothing.” Others are so afraid of some area of growth in their life that they’ll hold their love and commitment hostage. They make it clear that it’s too scary for them to face some conflict in their relationship. If their partner attempts to bring something up they become defensive or grow distant. A few of them threaten to leave. In most cases these are deeply convincing bluffs, no more. But those who threaten are careful to choose mates who can be intimidated, and the game goes on.

But then there are those—you—who want personal health and a dynamic relationship enough to face fears and bare pain for it. You love life and want the most out of it. You too may run and hide and avoid. But not for long, because since you love life the truth of it all catches up, and you, sooner or later, become honest, both within—to yourself, and outward—to your partner.

This level of honesty means being vulnerable in your truth; it means knowing when and with whom to trust your tender nakedness to another. It calls on shedding defenses and yet holding healthy boundaries. To open up and give, but not give too much. To receive, but not take. This is the level where one both develops one’s own self more in aloneness and surrenders open in love with the other, a balancing act…and more. To learn to be so alone when the other doesn’t provide for you right now what you need and long for, to directly face the pain of being deprived, is where we grow. That is aloneness. Jesus once said that each seed has to die to itself before it can grow. Each new seed for the next step has to first grow in the darkness of the fertile soil, alone in the dark. It can sometimes be so painful to live in deprivation, waiting for the other to dare open and unfold, yet—and even if you fail at times-- it is such a service in love.

We have to lose ourselves to find ourselves. And we have to risk losing our partners, let them go, so that they might freely choose to love and be with us.