I've Never Been Open About My MH

The first time I'd like think I've ever opened up briefly about my anxiety was in a few of my holiday posts last year in Marrakech over on our travel blog, which is you wish to read here, but as little and brief that was, I've never liked publicly sharing my issues.

Of course I've spoken about my problems to close friends and raised my concerns but I have never put it into perspective that it's due to my depression or anxiety.

In all honestly, I truly believed many people would just think I was lying or simple seeking for attention, I won't even deny that I've thought others have done it for attention, but that probably due to the overuse of people expressive their depression and anxiety when it really isn't, so I've always kept it to myself.

Reading other people's stories, experiences and attempting to understand myself has led me here. Due to recent circumstances, I have learnt that keeping it all in doesn't help at all.

As mentioned in my first post, I'm just here to share my lifestyle, thoughts and experiences, and I would like to hopefully influence anyone who needs it to open up too.

For the longest of time, I have been in major denial about my mental health - I genuinely just called myself crazy, that's so bad I know. Even with being on anti-depressants in the past and being referred to mental health specialists from my GP, I still insisted I was okay and this was normal for me. But, I guess this is normal to me, my normal, but I tend to forget it's not for everyone else. All I knew was that I felt and my thought process was different to most people I knew.

I guess this is another reason why I've really ever spoken about my depression and anxiety because I've always convinced myself that it's something normal.

All I want is normal you know. So I've always told myself that I'm okay, that I can control this. I don't need medicine, it's all in my mind. So I came off it and until now, I am happy with my decision but I do have those moments where I feel like I would give anything to make it stop. Just make it all go away, but I can't.

No matter how hard I smile, no matter how loud I laugh, I'd always still feel empty. I used to think I was a pro at hiding it and for the longest time I thought I was close to normal but only recently I realised, it was a big lie. A massive cover up on what was really been building up underneath.

Now I'm finding it hard to control my feelings and doings, I just can't disguise at well as I used to. I have more frequent panic attacks, in public. I can't sleep, more like I'm scared to sleep. I'm just worried, about me and my way of thinking.

I love that this is such a raw post! Thanks for being so honest its not easy! Just so you know you're doing really well and the fact you took this step to start your blog you're so on the right tracks! Love you! Xoxox

I get ya. I'm so in my head and overthink things. I thought I was normal, but when I talked to a councilor, she really made me see how toxic my thought process was. It was normal for me though. What's important is realizing that the toxic thoughts you have inside are unusual so you can try your best to find balance. ♥️ I love you for opening up about this 💕

It is so great that you have built the courage to talk about this topic! Mental health is a really important issue and my heart goes out to you, it must be difficult!Lois xwww.lifeasloismay.wordpress.com

I admire your courage to share what you have. I could never fully understand what you've been through or what you're going through but I do share similar stories about panic attacks and having to "hide" what I'm really feeling.

My best advice to you is to reach out to those who love you, they'll reassure you when all you feel is doubt.

I spent a lot of time thinking I just had to deal with and thats life. No amount of antidepressants changed that. I learnt however to control my panic attacks by recognising the oncoming symptons and taking myself out of the situation that would encoutage it. I would still spend countless hours on phone to mum and aunty but at least the hyperaventalation and uncontrollable shakes didnt appear. Stay strong honey and look at the great things in life! XLola Mia // www.lolitabonita.co.uk