The Weirdest Flight I Have Ever Had…and THAT is saying something…

I remember when I was young and I saw women at the airport with their smart carry ons… their spiffy travel outfits, almost always featuring a jaunty scarf…and I would wonder where they were going…and I wished as hard as I could that I would get to travel to interesting places someday.Well, that wish came true…how thankful am I?Truly.And I am so used to traveling with an accompanist/friend or Georgie that when I strike off on my own it is strange… but exciting…I feel in charge and grown up…YES…I know I am well past the grown up stage…but there is something about traveling on ones own that I find thrilling…you never know what is gonna happen.This week I am flying to Calgary en route…en route?…yes, en route to Banff….I LOVE BANFF!!And I love working at the Banff Centre…four years ago I did a workshop there and out of two weeks I worked a total of 12 hours…it was magical…not that I don’t love work or anything…the work was also magical…YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN…Patty Jamieson was also there and had the same schedule…and she is a organizer…and so she took care of all our plans…which was pretty awesome and freeing for me…we had mad good times…and we DID NOT get in the way of any Elk…because it was rutting season and Kelly Robinson told us if we did we would be gored…yes, he said GORED. That word was enough to keep us away from the hangouts of the Elk.This visit I will be working with The Young Canadians.How excited am I?My pal Lisa was in the Young Canadians when she was growing up here in Calgary and she carries very fond memories of her time…they are a hard working group of young (obviously) singers and dancers who travel all over doing their singing and dancing thing…and my pal from Canada Sings, Scott Henderson, is on their faculty and asked me to come out and work with them…and that Kelly Konno is going to be here too!! What? Yes, how cool.So, today George dropped me off at the airport with my new Swiss Army luggage that I got at Winners (I bought the small and large bag…and then waited for two weeks until the middle one went on sale…yes, that is who I am…surprised?…I thought not…I figured if it sold while I was bidding my time, waiting for the price to lower…I was not meant to have it… JUST like that “if you love something let it go” statement…sort of…) anyhow, I walked into the airport…with my jaunty woolen scarf on…and spent an extra $45 to upgrade my seat…as a treat to myself. Who does not want more leg room, I ask you? And the chance to get on the plane first…for someone like myself THAT is almost worth it alone.Even though, when I got into the preboarding line some arsehole budded in front of everyone…very casually.I hate people like that…BUT, because I wanted to be easy going and not get in an arguement I let it go…and just stewed…which is almost more satisfying.THAT is also who I am.ANYHOW, West Jet rocks.Oh,also, don’t tell George, bought myself a pair of ear phones that block out surrounding sound…I don’t really need them…we have both have earphones…but it was an impulse buy that I still feel bad about…LET IT GO, Matthews.LET IT GO!And, as of right now, I am pretty glad I did buy them.Anyhow, I digress…as I usually do…THAT is also also who I am.I got on the plane…got my luggage stowed over my seat (satisfying)…gave the line- budder the stink eye (also satisfying)…and then as the plane filled up…and it did fill up…the flight was packed…the two seats beside me remained empty…could it be…NO IT COULD NOT.Just before the doors closed a young woman in a fuchsia pink, size minus two Canada Goose Down Jacket got on the plane with her hoser boy toy…and they LOUDLY sat down beside me…her coat was all over me…she complained loudly that there was no room for their luggage near their seats (come on time) and when she saw her TV was dark, she pointed at it and said to her lunk head boy/man, “Well, watch me get a free flight…”.She then called the LOVELY stewardess over and said…very grossly…, “Is this gonna work…or do I have to complain?” AND the stewardess said, “If you see the button on your armrest it will turn it on.”…and she smiled and walked away. And I smiled and got my new ear phones…my external sound reducing earphones. I listened to many many songs whilst reading my Vanity Fair on my IPAD (FANCY!!! That is what I feel like solo traveling ladies back in the 70’s woulda done) and watched, out of the corner of my eye, Mean Girl and Lunk Head drink…and drink…and drink…I must have really zenned out…because about two hours into the flight I saw Mean Girl start to gesticulate wildly with her hands…knocking her drink into my lap…just missing my IPAD.HERE is a place where I could have gotten truly pissed off…but still…trying to relax and be peaceful…I smiled and said it was fine as her gin and juice soaked it way down my tights into my crotch…such a pleasant feeling…opposite day. (Not really pleasant at all)But I saw that her make up was all down her face…and when I pulled off my earphones I noticed that everyone around us was very attentive to our row.It was in the next few minutes that I realized they were super drunk…and breaking up…loudly…agressively…and in great detail.I was torn.Torn between truly not caring, wanting them to just shut it…and being really intrigued and wanting to use it for art/comedy/fodder later.So I put my earphones back on…slowly pulling the one off of the ear that they could not see.Yes, that is also me.I am so many things…He asked her why she had not been “affectionate” in so long…She said it had only been a month.He said two.She then counted back…She said he was a criminal…and so was his family.He said his criminal family paid for her trip to Toronto, to the spa and for the boots she was obsessively spit cleaning for the entire flight (finger on boot that is on the ground most of the time…finger into mouth…over and over…gross).She said he better get that this was it.He said he got it.He then said he is a great boyfriend and wanted to show her how much he loved her.She said that he was a shit boyfriend who would probably go to jail.And then they just kept saying the same things over and over again as he told her over and over again to stop crying.Which she was doing…loudly…with me basically sitting in their laps…with my wet, gin soaked crotch…and new earphones…I had almost forgotten about budding-in-line guy. (almost)I then realized that I had to use the ladies room.I was afraid to move because I didn’t want them to notice that I existed.But a gal has got to go.So, I get out…and when I get to the bathroom I look at the lovely stewardess who is standing there and she just touches my arm and says that she feels bad for me…and tells me that they had stopped serving them about an hour before…but that they had brought little bottles of booze with them…and that they would change my seat but the flight is full.I had not said a word…I looked back, out into the plane and almost EVERYONE is looking at me with a sad, very Canadian, apologetic look (NOT BUDDING GUY…who is a-fucking-sleep…jack ass…you can’t write this stuff) on their faces. All I can think is, “God, these new earphones were an amazing purchase”…I barely heard anything until she spilled her G and J on me.Anyhow, I stood at the front for about 10 minutes…and then sat back down.They fought for the REST OF THE FLIGHT.And when the flight was over, and we were near the gate she bolted and tried to get off…begging the lovely stewardess to open the door…while the lovely stewardess told her she had to wait till we were attached to the loading platform.Without ANY of her stuff.Lunk Head could barely look me in the eye as I walked by.Mean Girl called me honey, slurred how sorry she was…and tried to touch me…ew.I made it out alive.THAT was the weirdest…most intriguing…and irritating flight of my life.I am now at a wonderful hotel…I ate and Alberta Beef Burger with a lovely salad…tomorrow morning I am in van to Banff…I am looking forward to traveling again.Who KNOWS what might happen!Me in
my jaunty scarf, with my bargain/wonderful luggage and the best new earphones in the world.