This Is My Story...

It's something I have always put away
something that I have tried to forget
something I don't normally talk about.
But lately I'm thinking a lot
I think about a lot of things...
I'm thinking about the new direction I want to take in life
I have decided to close this first chapter of my life completly
I'm realizing now that I can never forget my past
I cant change people or things that have happened
but I can change how I live my life from this day forward.
I am moving forward and as I do...
I realize I am now ready to open up, to tell my story, to confront it and accept it.
I want to start telling my story here on EP and outside of here also
And I hope by telling others...Other people that have experienced the same thing know
that I can relate and understand.

I was abused in just about every way growing up by an alcoholic abusive step father. My stepfather was the only dad I knew. I never met my real dad. So I refer to him as dad. My earliest memory was of my mom getting her AZZ beaten while she was very pregnant with my sister. I was probably about 3 years old. My dad was an alcoholic. He constantly beat us all up...but I feel more me because I wasn't his real daughter. There are too many stories to tell and some too disturbing. So I wont go into detail. But pretty much we were his punching bags. living with him was scary. He would drag me by my hair, he kicked me with his steel boots once in my private parts and I started bleeding. My mom got beat up pretty bad and a lot of times I would help clean her up and the blood from the walls and floor. When I was 5 years old I began to get molested. I told my mom...she just cried and took him back like nothing. Sometimes when I knew he wanted to hit someone...I would tell him something to upset him more so he would hit me instead of my brothers an my sister. I learned to somehow put my mind somewhere else and disconnect myself so I wouldn't feel anything. My sister had her head busted open when she was about 12 years old. We used to lie in school about the bruises..."oh I just fell." When my sister went to school with a bandana on her head to hide her wound, the school she went to asked her to take the bandana off. She did and then they saw her head and called the police. And when child services and police came to investigate us...my family just lied and my mom backed up my dad. I wasn't there that day when the police came over. I was still at school. Otherwise I would of told the police the truth. I grew very angry and resentful. At about 13 I started physically fighting back my dad. I have always been pretty small but I remember feeling enraged and thinking..."I'm not going to allow him to do this anymore" He was punching my mom once like always and I jumped on him to get him off her. He came after me and he was running after me and I pushed him and he accidentally pushed him down the stairs and he broke his arm. Another time too, me and him where arguing and he was coming after me so I grabbed a kitchen knife and put it up against him and he was challenging me to stab him. I didn't want to hurt him so I didn't...I just wanted him to stop. I had a lot of issues in my teen years. I did whatever I had to do forget and to not be home. I ran away, I did drugs, I drank a lot, I was suicidal. In high school I got involved in a lot of after school activities so I wouldn't have to come home early. I would listen to music, read, and draw and lock myself in a room so I wouldn't have to deal with him. I got pregnant when I was 18 and that changed my life. I feel my daughter has saved my life. She is the reason I am alive today. when she was born, I promised her I would give her everything I didn't have. A normal childhood. I didn't want her to be afraid of me. I wanted to break the cycle and be a better parent. I wasn't always the greatest mother in the beginning. But I am now and I am happy that my 12 year old daughter is a happy, smart, normal, and a well adjusted kid. My dad died of Cirrhosis of the liver on 2/14/2000. When he died I was very happy. I felt relieved he was finally gone. I know it sounds sick but that's how I felt at the time. Even up till last year I still had some anger towards my dad and my mom. I know many can not forgive the one's that hurt them and that's fine. You don't have to. But for me...I felt that's what I needed to do to move on. I'm over it and moving on. I'm letting go. I am stronger today after everything that has happened. I am now a happy person with a normal life, a good mother, good employer and student. I am achieving so much in life. Nothing can or will bring me down. I have chosen to take control of my life and I will not let my past continue to affect me. I will be successful and live a great life despite my not so great beginnings.

*For all of you that have survived and gone though abuse...I tell you my story. If you need to talk I am here are willing to talk if you need. You are not alone.

Honestly I dont know. I think it was that over the years I\'ve read a lot of different things. And they all pretty much say the same. That one needs to let go of all negative feelings to become a better person. So its hard but not impossible. I mean...one can forgive but of course never really forget. You can choose to have those negative experience be the reason why you are either a negative or positive person. You choose if it will keep you down or make you stronger. I read a lot books and blogs about empowering the mind and soul and also have started to meditate. All of it helps. My focus has been in the last few years to be a more spiritual person with a stronger mind and better person.

That's one hell of a story! It sounds a little like my own, my father married a vey evil woman and she's a drunk. At one point she had me by the back of my shirt and was dragging me across the floor chocking me. The day I left that house was one of the best in my life.

surrealrealityI admire you, you have suffered so much in life and you are now strong enough to forgive a nasty person. Well surrealreality, you have turned out to be a Loving, Caring, Compassionate Lady with Dignity. It is such a shame you yourself had to suffer so badly as 30 yrs is a long time to hold a grudge, it is good of you to share your Horrific Experience to help others. Big Hugs Hope Your Life Continues to be Loving, Healthy and Successful, God Bless You and Your Family !!! <3

yeah I know. It makes me mad too. But I have become more open about my childhood to many more people...including outside of EP so that somehow people are more aware and more careful with their children. There are so many survivors. It's really sad...and many don't talk about it because it is hard to do and/or because of the shame.

Your story is really moving. You must still be living with the consequences every day. I know I am, both my father and mother physically beat me and humiliated me throughout my childhood. Luckily I suffered no sexual abuse from them although I was sexually assaulted by a stranger in some woods when i was 11. I dare not say anything about it because i would have got a beating xxx Tina Tim

I have been abused by my father and neglected by my mother. When my parents got divorced, it was because of the physical, verbal, and emotional domestic abuse from my dad. My mom got custody. She couldn't handle it and went away to California for a few weeks, leaving me and my siblings with my dad. When she came back, she realized that we were "better off" with him financially (even though we were on food stamps for many years). My mom has never really been a part of my life since. Everyone in our small town must have known that my dad was abusive. My mom's family certainly knew, and they lived right down the street. My dad's family knew, but what makes me SO angry now is that no one rescued me. No one saved me from going through what I've gone through. I was suicidal in middle school. When my friend told the counselor, the counselor simply sat me down in the library, gave me a chocolate bar, and called my dad and told him what happened. My dad lashed out at me, screaming, calling me an idiot, and making me feel even worse. I am now 21, living on a part-time minimum-wage job, and going to college with my own money. I unfortunately still live at "home" with my dad and siblings because I can't afford to live elsewhere, I haven't had a door on my room since I was 15. I have no privacy. My dad is still abusing me and controlling me, and I literally feel like I'm suffocating and drowning. I was extremely suicidal this past year mainly because of him. I am now on medication, but I cannot escape this control. A few weeks ago, when I was working all day and all night, he went through my room and took half my stuff away, rearranged the rest, and made me feel like an utter piece of privacy-less crap. It's awful.<br /><br />My dad recently went away for a week on a business trip. The whole house changed and became a place of peace and quiet and relaxation. I wished the whole time that he wouldn't come home, and now that he is, I find myself wishing he would've died. I'm also having dreams of plotting his death. Upon telling my counselor this, and telling her I felt guilty, she told me I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and that it's completely reasonable to look forward to escaping torture.<br /><br />Thank you for telling your story. I am in a bad spot and could use a safe place to vent with people who have been through it and can truly understand.

I am not a violent person but reading your story made me wish I had a gun and could have blown that monster's head off for you. Makes me happy that you fought back and broke his arm even though he deserved MUCH MUCH worse.

When he was alive and all of this was going on I seriously did think of hurting him. And I feel bad about it now but I was kinda happy he broke his arm too. And like I said...I was happy when he died. Not one tear shed for him.

I was abuse as a child and know what is like I now speak out aginst child abuse to try and help those who can not do it them self I was raped when I was 14 this rap gave me a little girl I know I could not raise her and finish school so I did what was best for her she is now In a loveing home which I could not give do to the fact my family want to kill her I did one of the hardest thing a teenage mother could do she was adopted and lives a happy life I did it for her and for me I still live with the pain of her fathers rap to me but I still live my little girl no Mather what and I would do any thing for her just do she dose not have to go thought abuse herself I save her life and am proud of that

You did something very difficult yet loving. You giving her the chance to be adopted by a loving family that could provide for her was a very good thing. I would of done the same if I would had been in your situation. *HUGS

your strong and beautiful as they said. everyone has some form of abuse i believe and it makes us stronger people for it. I was not abused by someone I knew per say but i was raped at 11/12 years old walking home from school and was abused badly physically mentally and verbally by my mother even to this day when i try to communicate with her...its always tough but i am an optimistic mother wife and independent woman making her own way and damn happy doing it as i can see you are as well ;)

I am teary-eyed.. Reading this was uplifting in a way. Hearing about the past abuse was upsetting, but seeing that someone can go through that and then still forgive was the uplifting part. I too feel my daughter (my oldest) saved my life and changed me in so many ways.. I still hold on to a lot of hatred from my past though.. I'm trying to let it go.. It's a slow process.. But I feel it will finally free me.. As it did for you.. I'm glad I came across this story. Thank you for sharing.

I'm glad you shared your story here you're right we do have a lot in common. I too try to help those who have or are being abused. I'm glad you got over it. I'm working on getting over what I went through it's still a work in progress though. <br /><br />Take Care<br />Lifeless Star

So sorry for all you went thru,but so happy you forgave .because Unforgiveness is like a cancer ,it eats away until it destroys the one who holds the grudge;and the other party may never know what you are feeling,and go on living ,while we are dying..... (Been there ,done that.) I too "forgave " & so glad I did, for that was the day I really "got back MY LIFE BACK ! PRAISE GOD!!

Yeah I held a grudge for like 30 years...and it did eat me up inside. I'm better now. I do pray to God...have always. To help me get though and to be a better person. But it's not just up to God...it's us wanting to change our lives also.

WOW! What a remarkable lady you are! I am so sorry for everything you had to endure growing up! I don't know that I could forgive and forget even knowing it's the best thing to do to be able to move on. What incredible strength you have.<br /><br />I am so glad YOU have turned your life around. That you are well, happy and achieving! You will certainly be an inspiration to others!<br /><br />Amazing lady! hugs

Thank you LG. I know now that everything I went though...the good and bad has ultimately made me who I am today and that I'm somehow suppose to help others. I will never forget but I have finally let go and moving forward.

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