Hamptons Police Blotter: Dog Poop, Garbage and Bingo

Hippies started playing Bingo on ShelterIsland and McGumbus didn’t like it. The there was the guy who stole a boatmotor, as well as an illegal garbage dumper. What a week.

Trashy Guy

A man was caught dumping his household garbage into a public trashcan in EastHampton. He was given a summons and then had to remove his trash from the public container. A bystander suggested that somebody put a sign on public trashcans that reads “Coffee Cups and Dog Poop Only.”

Speaking of Poop

There will be a hearing this week in East Hampton for a law requiring dogs be leashed within 500 feet of where a road ends and a beach begins. Once owners get 500 feet from where they got on the beach, they can take their dog off the leash. The law is under consideration because owners are not picking up after their dogs at the beach. A new law will be proposed after this one that will require all dog owners to take a picture of their dog when it poops, weigh the poop and then send the photo and the weight to the DEC, who will document the pooping. Dog owners will then be issued a dog poop card that will allow a legal public pooping twice a week (except on holidays and out-of-season). The cards will be available at a new local office opening up on Pantigo Road for the Department of Dog Poop, or DDP for short.

Motor Stolen

A Mercury motorboat was stolen from a home in Southampton, along with some copper piping and tools valued in the thousands of dollars. Stealing a man’s boat motor right before summer is a new kind of low.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus—103 years old, current team captain for gold-medal-winning 2013 United States Senior Paintball team and former World War II tank gunner—was taken into custody last week after he used a Bingo board to beat a man. McGumbus, who was attending his weekly Bingo game at the Shelter Island bar Wet Clams, noticed a hipster in black-rimmed glasses was winning consistently, so McGumbus tackled him and began beating him with his board. Police arrested McGumbus without incident.

Littering

A man in Southampton was arrested for possession of a controlled substance after police saw him throw a bag on the ground that, upon further inspection, contained PCP and marijuana. Police also found the man to have marijuana on his person. Just read that one more time: the guy had a bag of drugs on him, saw a cop and threw the bag away, which drew the attention of the cop, who then found him to STILL have drugs on his person. This is your brain. This is your brain on…oh, never mind.