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Actions And Thoughts Patterns That Will Transform Your Love Life

Sick of being unlucky in love? Maybe it's time to make your own luck with healthy behaviors.

"I see everyone else getting what they want; what's wrong with me?"
"I just don't see what I am missing."
"If I have to watch one more happy couple get married, I swear I will scream."

Do any of these statements sound like they're coming from you? Two of our relationship experts, Kate Michels and Lisa Shield, have some insight as to why this broken record is replaying over and over in your head.

During wedding season, says Michels, she hears these statements constantly. Another big one she hears is, "Wow; it is miracle they found each other." A "miracle" sounds like something that just happened, instead of something that required action and steps toward creating. She also often hears clients complain that "It’s just not fair," as if there is some conspiracy out there in favor of those lucky devils who have found love.

There is nothing wrong with you, says Michels; you are only missing a few action steps that will make the difference. Love doesn't happen to some people because they are just born lucky, (think: "lucky in love" or "just lucky, I guess"). Most likely, those lucky ones took some concrete steps toward being where they are today. She calls this the "C-ing that makes a difference." Instead of seeing what others are getting, start C-ing for yourself what really matters.

There are five steps to C-ing that help make miraculous differences: clarifying, communicating, caring, committing and connecting. Using these five steps will take you from seeing what you are missing to C-ing what you are getting. These are real actions that will make a difference in your love life — and in other areas of your life as well.

It isn't what you are seeing that matters. It is what you focus on. The difference comes when we stop paying attention to the bad Cs — complaining, comparing, conniving, controlling and crumbling apart — and put our focus on the good Cs that will make positive changes. When you take these steps, things will shift, align and you will see yourself being more of who you naturally are, getting more of what you really want. To further define the five Cs: clarifying is knowing what you want. Communicating is asking for what you want. Caring is showing up for yourself and for others. Committing is keeping your word. Connecting is being in a natural attitude of gratitude.

With these five concrete steps toward success, miracles really do happen. Once you are clear on what you want, communicate, show up and keep your word, gratitude will naturally occur.

Imagine that you will meet the type of person you have been looking for; it will be easy to care for them, and your commitments to each other will be honorable, coming from what you truly value. You will naturally feel connected and be grateful for being with someone; someone who is truly what you wanted and asked for. Someone who showed up and kept their word.

Eventually, yes, you will be that "lucky duck." People will watch you transform into someone confident, happy and loved right before their eyes. And possibly, after following the five C's, you might just be "C-ing" a ring appear before your eyes.

Lisa Shield also believes that your attitude is what makes or breaks your success in dating, but she reminds us not to blindly follow what we believe are healthy instincts. Instincts, she explains, are not always right.

For example, whether you're a woman or a man, hormones are powerful forces that drive your decisions, and they do not always — if ever — lead to good ones. If you let them, hormones can derail your dating and cause you to connect with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

She also talks about "preconceptions that lead to misconceptions." Many people have a laundry list of qualities they are looking for in a partner. The problem with this attitude is that we get blinded by our must-haves and forget what's truly important. For example, if your preconception is that you are looking for a strong man, the fact that your date comes in with kindness and gentleness may cloud your ability to see that he is also strong — perhaps in unexpected ways.

Keeping your eye on the prize seems like a good idea, but Shields warns against this as well. Dating with a specific goal in mind — marriage, children, security and more — is another behavior that can cause you to override your instincts. Because you are so focused on getting what you want, you can fail to see that the person you're dating really isn't right for you in the long run.

Of course, our bad habits can stop us from seeing the light, too. A lot of what you might think is instinct could actually be habits that cause you to make the same unhealthy choices over and over again. These repeated behaviors include running from conflict, attracting the wrong people and being overly judgmental. Our habits are deeply ingrained and they can be hard to spot.

1. Mister Albert in 'The Color Purple'

After abusing wife Celie in every imaginable way (including isolating her from her beloved sister and making her fix up his gross living conditions and troll kids), Mister Albert moves his mistress into their house and makes Celie her servant. Perhaps the only bigger monster is Celie's stepfather, who gave her away to Mister Albert.

Photo: IMDB

2. Sheba Hart in 'Notes On A Scandal'

Good wives typically don't have sex with men other than their husbands, who are left home to take care of their kids (one of whom is disabled). Good wives also don't cheat on said husbands with boys. Who are underage. And their students. Seriously, if the genders were reversed in this, the world would have really been flipping out.

Photo: IMDB

3. Carlo Rizzi in 'The Godfather'

Carlo only married his wife, Connie, in hopes of taking over her family business. He also abuses her. Like, a lot.

Photo: IMDB

4. Ginger in 'Casino'

Ginger steals from her husband to fund and fuel her gambling and drug addictions. She also cheats on him with his business partner and at one point ties their daughter to her bed so she can go clubbing. Classy!

Photo: IMDB

5. Humbert Humbert in 'Lolita'

Generally, a good husband doesn't marry you just to leave you dead, then kidnap and continually rape your underage daughter. Just, you know, a rule of thumb.

6. Cora Smith in 'The Postman Always Rings Twice'

7. Earl Hunterson in 'Waitress'

Where do we begin with this one? Jenna has to initially hide her pregnancy from Earl Hunterson, which is generally never a good sign. She also hides some money from him to escape his controlling, sociopathic ways. He also threatens, once he does learn of her pregnancy, that she better not love their baby more than she loves him, and that he wants to use her money to get a Camcorder to make sex videos with her ... but only if she loses the baby weight. What a catch!

Photo: IMDB

8. Lenore in 'Taken' and 'Taken 2'

Famke Janssen's Lenore is still a b*tch to Liam Neeson's Bryan Mills even after he saves their family members from being abducted not once, but twice. Her particular set of skills apparently doesn't include being gracious.

Photo: IMDB

9. Jack Torrance in 'The Shining'

After lying about why he's in a remote Colorado hotel that may or may not contain ghosts that have sex with furries, Jack Torrance tries to murder his wife and child. Hot.

Photo: IMDB

10. Rose DeWitt Bukater in 'Titanic'

Everyone thinks Titanic is some great love story, but it's ultimately about an engaged woman who cheats on her fiancee with a broke dude, then lets the broke dude freeze to death in the ocean. Wonderful.

Photo: IMDB

11. Ennis Del Mar in 'Brokeback Mountain'

Good husbands generally don't bang other married dudes behind their wives' backs, then blame solely the other dude for their marital problems. That won't stop me from watching this movie in slow motion though.

Photo: IMDB

12. Gregory Anton in 'Gaslight'

Upon learning that his wife Paula is traumatized by her aunt's death, Gregory Anton uproots their family and moves into the same house where said aunt died. Then, he psychologically abuses Paula to the point of her doubting her own sanity ... and coining the term "gaslighting."

13. Lori in 'Total Recall'

14. Frank Bennett in 'Fried Green Tomatoes'

After Ruth escapes from Frank's abuse, he comes back ... and tries stealing their newborn baby. Seems kind of douchey, right?

Photo: YouTube

15. Suzanne in 'To Die For'

Suzanne was so motivated to advance in her career that she hired a gang to murder her husband. To be fair, that was probably much quicker than most divorces.

Photo: IMDB

16. Frank Fitts in 'American Beauty'

Listen, I get it. Repressed homosexuality is hard. I know. But it's no excuse to bully and abuse your wife and kid.

Photo: IMDB

17. Jenny in 'Forrest Gump'

After rejecting Forrest Gump for years and only pretending to give a sh*t when he gets shipped over to Vietnam, Jenny marries him. But only also after seeing him on TV and conveniently saying he's the father of her kid, which is at best anachronistic and at worst opportunistic.

Photo: IMDB

18. Jerry Lundegaard in 'Fargo'

When you're greedy enough to get your wife kidnapped (and, spoiler alert, eventually murdered) in hopes of her dad giving you $100K in ransom, you're probably not that emotionally invested in your marriage.

Photo: IMDB

19. Holly McClane in the 'Die Hard' Series

Holly Gennaro McClane is incredibly ungrateful and disrespectful to estranged (then ex-) husband John McClane throughout the entire Die Hard series, despite him saving her life multiple times, once barefoot. Holly McClane can die hard and go right to Hell.

Photo: IMDB

20. Guy Woodhouse in 'Rosemary's Baby'

Spoilers galore: Guy Woodhouse let Satan rape his wife so she'd give birth to the Anti-Christ and he'd get more acting work, then made her think she was crazy. If you don't think that's grounds for divorce, I don't know how to help you.

Photo: IMDB

After abusing wife Celie in every imaginable way (including isolating her from her beloved sister and making her fix up his gross living conditions and troll kids), Mister Albert moves his mistress into their house and makes Celie her servant. Perhaps the only bigger monster is Celie's stepfather, who gave her away to Mister Albert.