Sunday, December 21, 2014

A shooting party was held in a Chicago suburb in which one man was mortally wounded, causing him to die or something. Ten others were also shot, but as gunshots are generally a minor form of trauma leading to simple 'flesh wounds', it is expected that they will all make a full recovery without permanent injury or life-crippling PTSD. Except for the guy who's dead, he won't be getting better.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Are you an evil yeast infection in the sewage pipes of American politics? Take this quiz and find out!

Question #1: Do you write op-eds for the Wall Street Journal? (see answer key below)Answer to #1: If you answered "yes", then yes you are repulsive yeast infection suffocating what's left of our democracy like a plague.

A group of repressed homophobes announced their plans to sexually pleasure themselves to prolonged film sequences of a man being slathered in body grease, sadistically beaten, and then murdered in a painful and excruciating fashion, all while being dramatically lit and photographed by professional trade guild members.

The reaction from observers was characterized by a complete lack of either shock or suprise. Several onlookers did, however, shrug their shoulders. At least one was heard to say, "I never would have expected that," although the tone seemed to be one of mockery and derision rather than actual astonishment.

Friday, December 12, 2014

The black guy who didn't threaten any white people turns out to have been a rapist, it has been reported.

In other news, that nice stepfather everyone on your block likes is molesting his stepdaughter, though his wife is pretty sure that the girl must be crazy because who would say something like that because he is like the nicest guy?