If you happen to be a lady and you happen to have aspirations are followed by at least seven zeroes and preceded by a dollar (or pound, or Euro) sign, it's time for some real talk: no matter how old you are, you're too something something to succeed at a hedge fund. Have you considered an alternate field? Perhaps cupcake baking or selling things made of felt on Etsy?

As depressing as it sounds, research to be presented at the 7th Gender, Work and Organisation Conference at the UK's University of Keele tomorrow shows a very real bias in the way hedge funds treat their female employees. When they're just starting out in the company, for example, they're given very little guidance compared to their male counterparts, who pretty much get the shit mentored out of them. One woman interviewed for the research remarked that she didn't find out until weeks later that she'd made a mistake. And once they have babies, women fervently work to hide the fact that they've got a wee one at home out of fear that it could hurt their careers. Men who are fathers aren't similarly pressured to keep their status as new parents under wraps. And older women — I mean, gross. Right?

The depressing phrase "never the right age" was coined by management professors at the University of Edinburgh Business school, who are apparently dead set on Debbie Downering women out of careers that can result in their owning yachts without having to learn how to dunk a basketball.

That men treat women differently than their male colleagues is understandable; it's a well-known fact that women can't be trusted around money. If they don't spend it all on shoes, their hormones could make them go crazy and think rolls of quarters are tampons and hundred dollar bills are for bra-stuffing. It's best to just let them talk amongst themselves and leave the real mental heavy lifting to the guys who brought us every financial collapse since the invention of capitalism.