Monthly Archives: January 2013

Kolleen: Hey kids! Sorry it took so long to get to this. Life, you know? LIFE. It just doesn’t stop happening. Anyway, let’s get right into it, since this episode brings us two episodes away from you- know- who.

Terri is at Ash’s, looking up occult websites, and rudely interrupts Ash’s piano practice to tell her about a protection chant. Terri, PLEASE don’t get mixed up with the devil. Being a teenager is hard enough. Plus, I wouldn’t trust any spell I read about on Google. Anyway, the occult stuff is creeping Ash out and she seems pretty judgey that Terri picked that topic for her powerpoint presentation for class. She’s just “really into mystic oracles”! Leave her alone.

Ash thinks she has a song down pat– they want to win Cabaret, whatever that is. She begins to sing really sweetly, like Sarah McLachlan or something. “Tell me how I can be/ All that you ask of me”. It sounds like a hymn, to be honest. A really boring hymn. Terri wants to pick up the pace, but Ash insists the tempo is ~just right~. Shut up, Ash. 43 seconds in and I’m already irritated by her passive- aggressive, bossy attitude.

At school, Paige confronts Terri, saying she wants to hook up for Cabaret. Terri tells her about “Two Girls and a Keyboard”, which is either her act with Ashley, a porno, or a bad NBC sitcom. Terri thinks the song is “blah” and Paige says to insist on a poppier song… and a trio. But when Ash shows up to homeroom, Terri chickens out, to Paige’s subtle chagrin.

OMG WTF SMDH

Meanwhile, Manny and Emma are trying to convince Sean to be a hunter in their environmental- themed interpretive dance. Don’t they understand anything about Sean? He’s a wind animal, a free spirit! Not a hunter wearing a leotard. Also, he doesn’t hunt. Emma is so upset. Of course, Toby volunteers eagerly to be the hunter. What a nerd.

As for Terri’s presentation, all we see is a picture of a Ouija board and all we hear is, “There are many mystical oracles, but Ouija and Tarot are my favorite. Any questions?” Some presentation. This is the second time I’ve been disappointed in something that had evil- potential but crapped out on me. They could have had a really great subplot here. Possession, exorcism. But wait! Terri has a Ouija board and asks for a volunteer. Spinner jumps at the chance and asks if he is really a super-stud, but Mr. Simpson tells him he’s not and demands he ask a more serious question. Sick burn, Mr. S! They’re really entertaining this Ouija thing. I went to Catholic school; I don’t think I could have gotten away with this. Spinner asks the oracle what his first pet was named. The board spells out R-O-C-K-Y. The supernatural is confirmed.

U-S-U-C-K

Paige asks Ash if she believes in all this mumbo- jumbo and Ash says yes, because her aunt predicted her grandmother’s stroke by reading tea leaves. Seizing an opportunity to exploit Ashley’s beliefs in the supernatural, Paige conspires with Terri to get “the spirits” to make their duo a threesome. They set up a tarot reading, and ask the spirits to tell them what to do… Terri rigs the game and paige pulls the Three of Rods, which represents “creativity”. Ashley is not happy and even goes so far as to call Terri an “amateur”. None of these people are worth being friends with. Paige is pissed and Ash insists it’s never going to happen, but just as she’s about to get all smug, cute little Manny, who was earlier warned via tarot to watch herself, falls down the stairs. Total Kolleen move, by the way, her ankle just twists for no reason. I’m the world’s biggest klutz.

This was the best screencap I could get 😦

Now Manny’s ankle is broken and she can’t be a panther. This unfortunate accident has Ash convinced, against her better judgement, that Paige should be allowed to join. She suggests they change their name to “Paige Michalchuk and the Sex Kittens”. Ash suggests “Three Girls and a Keyboard”. They decide to focus on the song first, name later. Good idea. Both those names are horrendous.

Now that Manny has to be a hunter because she can’t dance, Emma tells Toby he has to do the dancing. Toby doesn’t want to, but his love for Emma trumps his burgeoning masculinity.

Paige and Terri converse in the bathroom. Paige is dressed like a stripper and is convinced they’re going to get a record deal. How far does this ‘Cabaret’ reach, exactly? She’s about to tell Terri her ideas for the song when Ash walks in. She’s not having the costume and Terri and Paige have to scheme to get her to see things their way. Terri doesn’t want to mess with the spirits anymore, so they go to Mr. Simpson and beg a synthesizer off of him. Of course he has to take a trip down dementia lane and reference his old (original Degrassi!) band, the Zoo Remedy. “We even had a video!” he says. GAWD. Old people. Anyway he does some fiddling and comes up with an 80’s rendition of the song that Terri and Ash seem to love. Then he makes this face:

“I’m hip, girls. Right??”

Ash overhears them and gets really upset, regardless of the fact that Mr. Simpson didn’t erase the other version and it’s not a big deal. Paige suggests they ask the oracle. This is really dumb, you guys. Why can’t they just talk it out like normal people? Terri pulls the High Priestess card, meaning go with the new… but she hesitates, so does it REALLY mean that?? We’ll have to see (spoiler: no).

At practice, Toby and Emma keep bumping heads, literally. Is there anything more embarrassing to watch than interpretive dance, by the way? Especially when done by dorky adolescents? I am embarrassed for them. Emma cancels practice and Toby is all bummed out.

The day of the Cabaret, Ash tells the girls she did her own research and has learned that High Priestess means stay with the old! Terri says she lied because Ashley never listens to her. I don’t think Ashley is going to perform with the girls, which is good because I haven’t seen them actually practice once the entire episode.

Liberty begins the Cabaret by saying she trusts everyone will behave themselves. What a killjoy she is. Emma’s group is up first and of course, instead of immediately recycling and going vegan, everyone just laughs at them. I would, too, because I am a bully. Even Manny laughs and she’s IN the damned thing. Sean gets up and tells everyone to STFU. He’s a hero! Poor Toby.

Ash refuses to perform and warns them that the oracle is not going to be pleased. “Terri and Paige” (great name, guys) perform and everyone LOVES them. No broken bones, nothing. In the bathroom, Ash has to admit defeat, and they ask her to join the band and Paige suggests they shorted “Paige Michalchuk and the Sex Kittens” to PMS, which Ash is grossed out by. Terri’s vote breaks the tie– should she consult the oracle? No! Her days of consulting the oracle are OVER. So she does what every normal person would do– throws her tarot cards away. UH HELLO? This makes me SO MAD. How wasteful! Good tarot cards are expensive. And Terri votes for PMS. Great.

This song legitimately lasted 4 seconds

As Toby is trying to talk to Emma post- performance , she ignores him to thank Sean and kiss him on the cheek. Toby, just stop! Find someone who isn’t rude as hell AND smitten with someone else. It’s like none of these kids have ever read Miss Manners or something.

Guys. Guys. I can’t anymore with these people. WHERE IS CRAIG? Ugh! Anyway that’s Cabaret– a lot of drama and two performances. God, what an episode. I have a headache.

Letty: I can’t believe that Degrassi hasn’t tackled the common problem of demonic possession. I mean, I myself have been possessed at least 5 times, it could be more, who knows, in the past year alone. It is something that all teens face, much like unrequited love. GET OVER IT TOBES. I’ll be tackling next Degrassi episode, which is extremely Sean heavy. To prepare I’ll be buying an industrial size vat of Clearasil pads.

Letty: It is no secret that we love Canadians here at Thirtysometeen. Canada has provided us with a such a wealth of amiable enjoyment and entertainment that I feel it is necessary to sing the entire country’s praises from the figurative roof tops. This is a country that provided us with Degrassi and BRYAN ADAMS for goddamned sakes!

Boobies, thumbs up, and Bryan Adams. GET IT.

In addition to the glorious Degrassi, Canada also gave us a multitude of other teen shows. Here are a few of the openings from some of my favorites. Do you remember these gems?

I found both of Ready or Not’s main characters, Busy and Amanda, to be extremely irritating, yet I watched almost this entire series. How can you not like a show where the first episode is about buying your first bra. ~~MAMMARY MEMORIES~~

TUCKER AND BECCA! WILL THEY OR WON’T THEY? They are the Sam and Diane of Canadian tween television. Flash Forward was the first original series that Disney created and set the high standard for many terrible television shows to come.

Breaker High was lighthearted show about your regular run of the mill high school located on a cruise ship, you know, just a normal, realistic school. Except, RYAN GOSLING WAS THERE. I had a crush on the Gos since he was on MMC, though to be fair I had a crush on most of the guys on MMC including JC Chasez and Tony Lucca. Imagine my excitement to see Lucca pop up on season two of The Voice. Since I’m already on an MMC tangent, does anyone remember the serial Emerald Cove that ran as a segment during the show? It featured a lot of drama and Keri Russell’s hair.

Whoooooa wacky! Look at all that caaarrrrrazzzzy animation. Student Bodies was great, I wish my life was just like this show. Palling around with friends, working on the school newspaper, wearing awkward sweaters, SO MUCH FUN!

Of course, here we have the ultimate–Are You Afraid Of the Dark. The episode about the shadow people still creeps me the hell out. This show featured so many great Canadian teen actors, I don’t even know where to begin. SNICK was the shit y’all.

There were so many other awesome Canadian creations, Edgewood, Radio Active, Space Cases, and I’ll be covering Fifteen in another post about Nickelodeon shows. What are you favorites?

Kolleen: My 8 year old, Aidan, loves Are You Afraid of the Dark AND Degrassi. Maybe I should have him do a guest post?

Kolleen: Look, I’m happy to report that Skins (UK, obv) won in our reader poll and will be the next show we are focusing on (besides Degrassi, of course). And look, I’m also happy to tell you that you can watch Skins on Netflix Instant, but I am going to warn you: the music is all jacked up. I mean, in my opinion the music makes the show, and because of licensing shizz, they had to change a lot of it. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to watch Katie’s episode in series 4 and realizing that “A Promise” by Broken Records isn’t there anymore. As a huge Skins fan… well, I’m not telling you to seek other ways to watch the show, but I am telling you that’s how I watched it. (This site is handy for keeping track of the music in the show).

That being said, I am VERY EXCITED to recap Skins, because it’s probably my favorite show in the history of all time. So let’s get on with it, shall we?

Oh Tony. Tony Tony Tony. You are so good looking, waking up for school in your underwear,working out in your underwear, watching your neighbor get nekkid in front of her window in your underwear, helping your little sister Effy get back into the house after a night of sluttin’ it up in your underwear. You’re only young once!

Meow.

After a morning of fucking with his father, Tony’s off to school, ringing his friend Sid (who doesn’t answer), Chris (who doesn’t answer), Jal (who is busy playing clarinet) and his girlfriend Michelle, who he affectionately calls “Nips”. He calls Sid again. He calls Anwar and interrupts his morning prayer. He calls Maxxie who is adorably tap- dancing. Who doesn’t he call? We’ve basically met everyone on the show in the first ten minutes. British people are efficient.

Can we talk about Michelle for a minute? She’s like #1 Dream Girl on this show. I don’t get it. She has a miserable personality and she’s not even that hot. Someone explain this to me.

UGH

Anyway, the agenda for the day is to help Sid, Tony’s BFF, get laid. He can’t be Tony’s friend if he’s still a virgin at 17! That’s just embarrassing, am I right? Michelle has agreed to “help”, which seems very off putting for a number of reasons. And of course they all have to meet at a cafe to talk about it instead of letting it all progress the natural way: by getting drunk and felt up in the back of a movie theater. I never had friends so invested in my virgin- status, so I guess either Sid is very fortunate or I am very fortunate, depending on how you look at it. Tony berates Sid for a while, and then implies that he’ll get to bone Michelle, because for some reason Michelle is Sid’s dream girl. Ugh. He gets really excited, but Michelle comes in and halfheartedly makes out with Tony (seriously, I’ve kissed apples with more passion) and Sid realizes there has been a misunderstanding. Michelle offers up Cassie (“out of the hospital, not allowed to handle knives” to be Sid’s woman- of- the- night. They’ll need a lot of drugs for the party they’re going to (and to adequately get Cassie messed up enough to do Sid) so Tony suggests Sid buy an ounce of spliff (that’s marijuana).

Tony then goes to a choir rehearsal at an all girls’ school. Apparently they only need one guy. He sings well and all the ladies are gaga for him.Especially one girl with an indecipherable accent (she pronounces “friends” and “frawhndzz” which is, I’m pretty sure, not a word). Her house is the location for the party tonight! She reminds Tony to bring his frawhndzz! He leaves, giving the French teacher a healthy dose of sass mouth. Cheeky bastard! He then meets up with his friends at the quad, where they discuss the finer points of life– watching tv vs taking pills (why not both?). But no one wants to come to the party! Sid doesn’t need the ounce! Oh no.

Sid arrived at the weed dealer’s house. It is also some sort of brothel. Why he doesn’t just bang these chicks and get this whole charade over with is beyond me. One of these prostitutes warns Sid not to stare. Sid is also ignoring his text messages. Enter Madison Twatter, PHD (Pretty Huge… well, you get it).

Are you staring at ME?Yes, your ‘stache is ridic

After some pretty threatening dialogue, Mad sells Sid some weed on credit. 3 OUNCES. 48 hours to pay him back. Sid is definitely in over his head. Mad says if he doesn’t come through he’s going to cut off Sid’s nuts! That’s “mad” indeed. When Tony and Sid meet up, Sid realizes he has about 100 missed calls telling him to abort the mission. What a chump.

In class, Jal is reading a report on the stages of grief as their teacher, Angie, sobs like a fool. Everyone is totes uncomfortable. Chris tries to make her feel better in his ineloquent way. Angie tries to hold it together but you can tell that science teacher or whatever really messed her up good. See, it isn’t just the teens that have ~drama~! Chris really has googly eyes for Angie. It’s very sweet. He even tells Angie’s ex to stop calling her! I can tell there is an inappropriate relationship budding here. Angie looks a lot like Katy Perry, so you have to wonder.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh

That night, Sid and Tony show up at that snooty girl’s mansion (Abigail, her name is!). They really need to dump this weed. Michelle shows up too, and who does she have with her?

~*CASSIE*~

Beautiful, etheral, fucked- up Cassie, Angel of the Morning, Light of My Life. I love Cassie to PIECES.

OH, WOW! LOVELY!

Cassie is out of treatment for her obvious insanity and ready to PARTY! Cassie is here to rock Sid’s world. They enter the party and are immediately told to take of their shoes as to not ruin the imported Iranian carpet. I would immediately pee all over it, but these Bristol kids are so much nicer than me. Cassie beelines for the kitchen. This party is the PITS. Everyone is named Sarah, for one. Can’t trust a Sarah. Tony tries to unload the unbearable burden of pot onto these snobs, but unfortunately they are not allowed to smoke in the house– Roman silk wallpaper, natch. Horrible djing commences. Everyone dances like white people.

Sid finds Cassie rearranging the kitchen shelves, saying none of the food is organized properly. This was actually the scene that I first saw a picture of– the scene that got me into Skins.

Sid offers her some pot and she declines, saying it will make her hungry. He says he doesn’t mind, and she says she does. Cassie is anorexic 😦 Then they talk about banging. It’s all very oddly sweet.

At Big Gay Night out, Chris and Anwar are bored. They decide to bail, along with Maxxie, to find the party. They arrive at daybreak! And they don’t even take off their shoes when they come in! Outside you hear sex sounds, but don’t worry, it’s just Cassie jumping on the trampoline.

Tramobaline! Trumbumpaline!

She invites Sid to jump, too. They share a kiss, and then Cassie tells him she knows he really loves Michelle– Michelle told her! Women, amirite? Then they hold hands and it’s really cute. He asks her what she would do if everything was so effed up and there was no way to fix it, and she says she would stop eating until they take her to the hospital. Girl, I’ve been there. She asks if he wants to do it now, but tells him they have to be quick because she took some pills. Then she passes out.

Fearing she’s dead, Sid freaks, everyone bails but realizes they have no way to get to the hospital. But Lo! A Portuguese angel disguised as an exchange student offers a soltion to Chris, whom she fancies: “We steal car!” After that they can do it.

We Steal Car!

A mad dash to the hospital ensues, Chris and the Portuguese chick basically banging in the back. Just as they pull up to the hospital, Cassie wakes up. “I’ve had such a lovely dream” she says. Annoyed, they drive off.

They stop at a pier to smoke up, and Tony reassures Sid that they will sell the spliff tomorrow. As Anwar pees on a tree, someone asks who’s got the skins– ah! The show’s name! ROLLING PAPERS. Cheeky kids. As they search the car, Sid hits the shift knob (is that what they’re called? I am a girl, I don’t know) and the car rolls into the pier with everyone except Anwar in it! I think it’s because he was nice enough to pray that other morning. Don’t worry, though… everyone emerges unscathed… everyone except the weed, of course.

Actually, if they had stuck around, they would have seen the weed float back up. Some fisherman is going to have a great day!

Sid is still a virgin, and his balls are in jeopardy. What is going to happen? You’ll have to stick around to find out.

Man I love Skins. I just love it so much.

Edit:This is the Unseen Skins for this episode! Watch it and learn, buckos.

Letty: AGGGGH I love Skins too! That sticky thing in the car is called a gear shift, Kolleen. I know your credo is WWCD (what would Cassie do) as mine is WWED (what would Effy do), and Cassie wouldn’t know that was called a gear shift either. Gotta love those ~*crazy*~ gals.

Kolleen: Hey y’all! Sorry we stink and haven’t been updating. TIMES ARE BUSY/ TOUGH/ etc. But luckily, Degrassi is ALWAYS there for us. So I’m gonna tell you what you want, what you really really want: I am going to review this Spice Girls’ homage of an episode, Wannabe, just for you.

We open with Liberty interviewing Hazel and Paige about their new school sanctioned club! How EXCITING! It’s a cheerleading club (or team or whatever). Libs wants to know what they would say to someone who thinks cheerleading is ‘sexist’ (is this ‘someone’ YOU, Liberty?) and Hazel only has one thing to say: GET OVER IT! Also interviewed is some kid we have never seen before who looks kind of like a bizarro version of my friend Ryan.

Who are you, exactly?

When the interview is over– and before anyone can breathe a relaxing, cleansing sigh of relief that Liberty is gone– Manny shows up wanting in on this cheerleading gig. Paige asks her what she can do, and Manny does an impressive double cartwheel. I could never cartwheel so I am instantly jelly. You hear some off- screen voice say “Wow, look what she can do!” so this is obviously the most exciting thing to ever happen in Degrassi’s hallways. Emma feels like cheerleading is a step backwards for the young feminists of Degrassi, She says she doubts that the men on the squad will be wearing tight shirts and short skirts (to which Manny gasps, “I hope not!” Not cool Manny. Not cool). Manny insists cheerleading is fun and Emma almost throws up all over her. She says she’s “SURPRISED”. Has she been paying attention to Manny at all, ever? She’s a quintessential cheerleader!

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Toby and JT are mowing down on Pringles (or some brand that is supposed to be Pringles. I can’t catch the brand name). They are trying to win a contest, as evidenced from this picture:

I love Pringles. I wish I had some.

They’re trying to win some ~*krunk financialz*~ and to do that they need the Ace of Spades and Ace of Clubs but they’re in search for the Clubs, dammit! So they harass Liberty for her “chip” can, and she calls them pathetic. For once, I agree with her. This is lame. Of course Liberty’s can has the Ace of Clubs printed inside, and of COURSE Toby does a terrible job of concealing this. So now they have to share the wealth. Toby, you fool!

Emma and Manny are trying to find a seat when Paige interrupts asking Manny to do the cartwheel again. Of course you hear that same disembodied voice: “Wow! She’s still amazing!” No shit! She didn’t forget how to cartwheel in half an afternoon. Emma is disgusted. Just disgusted. She’s the only one who hates cheerleading and she wants everyone to conform to her stupid opinion. Manny just wants the subject dropped.

Liberty is working hard to convince JT and Toby that they need her, so they’ll have to split the pot 50/50– or as Spinner interjects, 45/45 (which doesn’t even make sense!). See, Spinner has been eavesdropping! Oh but wait, he only wants 10%– for “protection”. They for some reason all agree this is a good idea. They’re rich! 1 million smackers!

Outside, Paige and Hazel ask Manny what’s wrong, and like a girl desperate to fit in, she throws Emma right under the feminism bus! Some friend. In an obvious attempt to sway Manny from Emma’s grasp, they ask her if she wants some “girl time” and they all walk away arm in arm, three horribly dressed wenches.

Manny’s pants literally go up to right below her boobs.

At Manny’s they all dish on who’s hot and who’s not. Just as they start making fun of Emma, she calls, like some stalker with a sixth sense. Manny gives her the ole “I’m sick, please don’t embarrass my new friends with your feminist rhetoric” spiel. Of course Paige opens her big mouth and Emma figures out that Manny has ditched her for cooler chicks.

Oh yeah, and JT can’t find that Pringles container. Idiot.

At cheerleading practice the next day, Hazel demonstrates a terrible toe- touch and Paige says she bets Manny can do it better, which she does, of course, then adds a split for extra gusto. Hazel is not happy. In the hall, Emma looks on, dejected and sad. And a little creepy. And if I know Emma, she is going to go back on her promise not to write about how sexist cheerleading is, all because she feels rejected by her friend.

What a creep

And BAM. Faster than you can say “sore loser” Emma is in Lib’s office, asking her if she can submit a last minute article for the Grapevine. WHAT A BITCH. Of course Liberty is all aboard the anti- cheer campaign, probably because cheering requires perfect posture, and as you can see from this picture, Liberty is lacking in that department:

Ole pretzel- posture van Zandt

Emma’s piece is all about how cheerleaders are bimbos, by the way. It’s insanely slut- shaming and misogynistic so I suggest she take a Feminist Theory course. Liberty is ok with how harsh it is, but is a little confused as to why Emma is suddenly attacking Manny in a totally passive- aggressive way. Emma calls Manny a phony, then they talk about Liberty’s ugly red cowgirl boots for a bit.

If Craig doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to punch myself in the face.

This episode is so boring. Emma runs into ManPaiZel (my portmanteau for Manny, Paige, and Hazel– feel free to use it) in the hall where a string of not so cutting insults are exchanged: “Shouldn’t you be testing your makeup on ANIMALS?” “Shouldn’t you be hugging a TREE?” I mean listen, ladies, you’ll never make it in the real world if you can’t come up with some unprintable words to call each other. Manny reads Emma’s article and storms off in tears. Emma follows her into the bathroom and they have a fight about how Paige may or may not be using Manny. Emma calls Paige a WANNABE. I don’t know what she wants to be, but she’s a wannabe, dammit. Manny tells Emma that she’s so boring, she wants to scream. Butthurtedness commences.

JT has to admit to Toby that he lost the Ace of Spades can, and Toby FREAKS. They try desperately to retrace JTs steps. Spinner is even ready to beat him up! This is serious. He threatens to stuff JT in his locker– LIGHTBULB! It’s probably in his disease- ridden, hoarded to the hilt locker. He finds the can and guess what– THEY’RE BOTH ACE OF CLUBS. Locker stuffing ensues, and with good cause.

In the hall, Manny sees Paige and Hazel stealing all the copies of the Grapevine. They go to task ripping the op-ed out of each issue. Manny is obviously conflicted but she needs to make this squad, dammit! The peer pressure is so high, it’s borderline hazing. So Manny joins in on the vandalism. Of course it is not long before Emma finds out, and Mr. Simpson has to confront the girls. Paige denies it vehemently (and poorly). Manny’s guilt is overwhelming. She is just about to confess when Paige throws Hazel under the bus!!! OMG. Simpson warns them that more incidents like this will result in activities being cancelled. Manny is so disgusted by Paige’s backstabbing, and she threatens to blame it all on Manny if she spills the beans. She even says “What is your damage?” which is a great insult that I may adopt into my everyday conversations. They have WORDS in the hall in front of everyone! Paige storms away in a huff– I don’t think Manny will be cheering this year.

Emma and Manny tenderly make up. Emma apologizes and Manny says she just wanted to have fun. You know what? She really DID just want to have fun, and because Emma is a childish weirdo she had to make things complicated. I mean it doesn’t help that Paige is such a two- faced jerk, but really, Emma started this chain of events by being really annoying about her ideologies. THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE EMMA. Somehow I don’t think she’s learned her lesson.

Whew. What a hard episode to cover, mostly because I know Craig is so close yet he seems so far. See you soon, everyone, and don’t forget to vote in our poll!

Letty: Jeez, with friends like this, who needs enemies? AMIRITE. I’m glad we have each other Kolleen. We can just sup on Arbor Mist and hold hands and be merry. Everyone look for my article in the Grapevine about how poetry is for losers. SIKE.

P.S. Can I just say how excited I am that we are back and that we are ONE STEP CLOSER TO CRAIG. I can almost taste him.

It’s a brand new year and exciting things are happening here at Thirtysometeen! For one thing, Kolleen and I became full fledged women as we both got our very first period AT THE SAME EXACT TIME, and the “must increase” our bust exercises we’ve been doing have really started to pay off. We are stacked! We can finally buy real bras!

We recognize that due to circumstances that were only slightly beyond our control, we have really been slacking around here. But, like Manny Santos, we shall overcome. It is our new year’s resolution (well, I can’t really speak for Kolleen. I think her resolution is to finally get her Degrassi back piece finished) to be more proactive around here. We want to get things done! We want to give you the Degrassi recaps that you all CRAVE. We want Craig to finally notice us.

We also want to try some new things. Are there any shows you think we should watch? Do you suggest any YA books for us to cover? LURLENE MCDANIEL IN THE HOUSE! What else is deserving of our crrrrazy ramblings?

Temptress, delilah, enchantress, JEZEBEL! You have tried to woo me with your lustrous locks, beautiful waterfalls of glorious hair that cascades majestically down around creamy, nubile shoulders. You almost convinced me to grow my hair out. ALMOST. Having long hair goes against all of my natural instincts, as I am an adorable pixie, but this is hard to resist:

~~such hair~~

Could that be me? Could I possibly have such divine, long tresses? The answer is no. It was always no Pretty Little Liars, and you knew it the whole time. You had me convinced for months that I could have long hair and I know now that it’s NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. You are as deceitful as A.

I had this epiphany as I was cleaning out a clog in the shower drain after a guest with lovely Rapunzel hair washed her glorious strands. I was super grossed out and decided I just couldn’t deal with the clogs that goes along with having long hair. I also don’t like the way that long hair sometimes creates a sort of webbing across the back and shoulders, as it gives me mad heebie jeebies. This is not a problem that afflicts you Pretty Little Liars, only ladies that stand in front of me in the grocery store checkout line.

THE SPELL HAS BEEN BROKEN PRETTY LITTLE LIARS, the charade is UP, and I will be cutting my hair soon. You have made me look like a fool. I told people, I told EVERYONE that I was growing my hair out. IT DIDN’T EVEN MAKE IT PAST MY SHOULDERS. It is not even as long as Caleb’s hair. Ironically, only now I have joined your ranks because I have become a pretty (cute at best) little (height wise at least) liar! My recommendation, feature a character with short hair, if only to appease me and your many pixie haired fans.