An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said “‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I triedwith my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing…..’

The doctor was shocked!’ You asked your neighbor?’ The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

6 Responses to “Joke Of The Week”

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell
phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense
guy.
One afternoon while shopping the wife decided to send her husband a romantic text message
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

A biker and his girlfriend came away form a garage-sale with a vintage brass lamp.
While polishing the lamp at home the girlfriend unlocks a female Genie trapped inside.
The two girls quickly bond. After some time the conversation, as usual, turns to “relationships.”

At this juncture the girlfriend elaborates on the long, prefect relationship she has with her man.
Wanting to share the joy, the Genie suggests she reward the biker with one “free wish.”

They interrupt the biker as he is engrossed in the photo-shoot proofs of his latest custom build and several bikini-clad models. Startled by this a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind: …… “I wish I had an old-lady half my age.”

Both girls recoil in horror.
In an instant the enraged Genie transforms the biker into a 94 year old relic of his former self.

I’m guessing there are several lessons one can learn form this sad tail, like:
“Never try any serious thinking when one or both of your heads are swollen.”
“Everything that looks like a garage-sale ‘deal’ isn’t.”

I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.
In fact, more than you.
I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.

The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax,
and………OH… MY GOD!”

Silence followed. Then, some few moments later, the
captain came back on the intercom, and said: “Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am very sorry if I scared you. But, while I was talking to you, a
flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee onto my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!”

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice..

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied…………

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one
afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

“Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I’m gonna Do it different. The last few years, I
took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to
Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got
Pregnant. Then two years ago, you
told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene
Got pregnant again. Last year you
suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene
Didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you
gonna do this year that’s different?”