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So, today I will be mostly ranting about my failures as a human, residing in the North East of England, and my struggles to find suitable work. I was previously working as a teacher in a college, but left as I found the workload incompatible with caring for a family of 3, especially when my eldest came out of school and needed to be educated at home. I know I am not alone here, with teachers leaving education and going part time by the truckload – to attempt to get that work/life balance. Ironically, one of the main reasons I went into teaching was because the potential for part-time work and school holidays seemed better than other jobs, but the opposite turned out to be true.

So I have been applying for sooooooo many jobs, and hardly hearing back from any, which is weird, ’cause years ago, in my early 20s I could walk out of a job and into a new one the day after , and I was far less experienced, qualified and responsible than the epic individual I am today (ahem). I was turned down for soooo many unskilled minimum wage jobs, rejected because I “didn’t meet requirements” despite having a law degree, a PGCE and an MA, as well as plenty of experience. That knock to the self-esteem aside, I scored 2 interviews, one for an agency and one for Wilkinson’s.

While waiting for my agency interview, I noticed a blob of conditioner on my ear (Something about Mary style). I was concerned, but luckily I managed remove it and wipe it on my coat before I went in! Noice. When I was in my Wilkinson’s interview, my handbag strap inadvertently opened a button on my shirt, exposing my bra to my interviewers, who suddenly realised the interview was much more informal than they had originally anticipated. Anyhoo, the agency never gave me any work but Wilko’s did! Yay! So age 37, I went to work as a shelf stacker, and you know what? I didn’t mind. The team and supervisor were really nice humans and the work was straightforward, and best of all it fit around my family and I didn’t take work home. However, it seems I am a failure at stacking shelves, which brings me to yesterday, and the point of this rant…

I was also given a job as a part-time Receptionist (from a different agency). I haven’t worked on Reception for about 17 years, but it’s not exactly rocket science. So, at my Reception role, the main Receptionist knew that I basically just sat there, answered the odd call, and sorted post in the afternoons, so she gave me a job to do. She said, “Can you put invoices in envelopes?” I was like, er, yeah! She then went into detail about looking at the addresses to check if they were this address (i.e internal) and pointing out that some clients had more than 1 invoice, etc. She seemed genuinely concerned that it was too difficult a task for me to handle. The look in her eyes said it all. Is this how I look to people? Like an utter muppet, who needs detailed instructions on how to take a shit? Anyway, I was personally affronted by this, thinking “God, exactly how useless does she think I am?” But, it turns out she was pretty spot on and I can indeed fuck up the unfuckupable. It’s almost a skill I should put on my CV.

First, I franked all the internal mail that did not require franking as it clearly had this address on! However, I just re-enveloped them and popped them in the internal mailboxes, destroying the franked envelopes that were clear evidence of my incompetence! I may be incompetent, but the least I can do is cover that shit up! Then, about 5 mins before closing (and after the postie had been), I notice a pile of invoices left on the desk (literally in front of me) that I had not posted. I could not frank these as it would alert the office behind that I fucked up and needed to frank mail after the postman had left, so I put them in envelopes, put them in my bag, bought 2 books of stamps and posted them myself on the way home, so no one needs to know that the only job I had to do that day was fucked up twice over! I’m an incompetent genius!

I got home and got changed into my Wilko’s gear and headed in to my evening job. Within 5 mins, there was a tanoy asking me into the Manager’s Office. You know that’s gonna be bad right? When I was there, I was told that I am basically too slow and my previous night’s graft was utter shite. So, not only can I not stuff fucking envelopes but I can’t stack shelves either! Man, I’m a right catch, me. I am like Mr Bean and the fucking Chuckle Brothers had a love child, that’s the level of competence we’re talking about here. They were asking how they could support me to be less shit at the job, and I just stared at the floor, looking at the shadow that my self-confidence left behind. I think that my issue is two-fold, 1) I go to a special place in my own head when doing monotonous tasks (it’s like time travel! I go to many worlds in my own head, Rick and Morty style) so I don’t realise the passing of time and 2) I am thorough and a bit of a perfectionist, so when I see loadsa stuff in the wrong place I spend a while correcting it, oh and 3) I have poor sense of direction and tend to forget where stuff is (also relates to my Receptionist fuck up!). So yeah, World’s Shittest Shelf-Stacker and Envelope Stuffer. That’s an award I just gave myself right there, because someone’s gotta make me feel good about me!

Feel free to join in my other adventures of incompetence, ’cause there will defo be some! Hey, in other news, my boyfriend told me that some lad came into his workplace (he does windows for commercial premises) asking for a job, with tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks and everything: “Any jobs gannin, like?” “Well, that depends, do you have any experience in Windows?” “Naw. Wey, unless ya mean smashing them? haw-haw.” So, needless to say this guy is probably still unemployed, but kudos to his honesty. You probably wouldn’t catch him trying to hide his fuck ups.

First, you need to buff your face to get it the right texture. Skin texture is no good. You want your skin to feel like air. For this, any sanding tool will do, for those budget options, pick up some sanding paper sheets or pan scrubbers from Wilko’s.

Next you need some kind of rich semen, I mean serum. I use pig’s anal gland secretions but it’s imported and expensive, so you can use like donkey jizz or whatever’s local and organic where you are.

Now that you are both scrubbed and plumped, we can start with your face primer. This is like a facial glue that will stick to your foundation and make your skin look less like skin and more like a wipe-clean, laminated face. I apply mine with a stippling or artex brush for maximum effect.

Next, we need to put our foundation on. Years ago, women used to use their hands to put this on, gross right? These days, everyone knows you need to apply it with the tender bladder of a chipmunk, voted Marie Clare’s most must have make up item, 3 years in a row. I’d be lost without mine! It allows for such mega-high coverage that I look pixelated, like an anonymous criminal from a documentary. Perfect!

OK. Don’t forget to blow dry your face and use sealent spray at this point! Also its a good idea to fill in any gaps with Face Grout by MAC. You can use any standard grouting tool for this.

Looking good ladies! Next, we need some Carcinogens by Clairol, its a beautiful finely mixed powder with minerals, iron filings, asbestos, tobacco and of course, anthrax. The tool I use to apply this is my fella’s sock (The sweat picks up the dust particles nicely, and has the added benefit of natural pheromones).

Now comes the tricky bit- the contouring. The look we want is the timeless classic sweetheart face of Betty Boop, with the high cheekbones of Jocelyn Wildenstein and the low forehead of the Neanderthal. To achieve this, all you need is your kid’s best brown crayon and a hammer Simples! So you start by chiseling away at your features creating lots of brown dots. You’re basically mining your face, but with crayons! Note: It’s important to work from a photo here. The first time I tried it, I didn’t, and I over-chiseled myself into Steve from Minecraft.

Finally, you have done allllll of the hard work and simply need to colour in (try stay in the lines!). Work all of your shading using the fleshy part of your elbow, but watch that your bingo wings don’t smudge your work! If your husband’s testicles are free, these come in handy as an eraser for any errors with your contouring, so don’t be afraid to use them, that’s what they are there for! Also, they add sexy pheromones that your man will love!

Next week, I’ll be telling you how create the illusion of a thigh gap with only scrunchies and paperclips! So stay tuned.

Why aren’t men pushed to have thigh gaps and instead get to have love handles?

Why do men get to be silver foxes and not women?

Why do men get to keep their body hair?

Why is women’s body hair depicted as so shameful that even when shaving products are advertised the women’s legs are hair free BEFORE they are shaved!?

Why do men get to wear their normal faces without scrutiny or being told they are being so “brave”

80% of women have stretchmarks yet you won’t ever see any on TV or in adverts.

Why are we supposed to “contour” our faces now? Ugggh ugly women going around with their fat faces! sort it out ladies.

Why are we supposed to be discreet about our periods? Fuck that, I am going to take a foghorn out with me every month, maybe put a notice in the paper and throw a fucking chocolate party, where everyone brings me Thorntons as I sit in my PJs.

Why are periods so shameful that ads use blue water?

Why do we pay tax for sanitary products, why are mostly men running these companies for women’s bodies?

It is all too easy to get sucked into society’s all consuming vortex, sapping every last drop of your soul in its bid to make us all good little proles. Here is how it works so you and I can be aware of when we are curtailing our own lives to make them a little bit shitter. Say “fuck you” to society’s conditioning!

GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS. Don’t get bogged down in the humdrum daily details of life, such as relentlessly scouring the internet for minimum wage jobs in a 10 mile radius, worrying about debt, trying desperately to make ends meet and fit everything in. Basically this gets us not pursuing what matters to us; following our passions and our gifts to the world.

IT’S JUST PAPER. Don’t go following the money because you think that is what you are supposed to do. If you constantly map your life following bits of paper its a surefire recipe for depression.

PESSIMISM/REALISM. Don’t go taking options because they are “realistic” rather than what you really want to do. “Realistic” roughly translates as “shit all over your dreams”. Have you ever noticed how pessimists conflate their pessimism with realism?

TIME WASTING. Don’t go wasting your time applying for jobs and working in jobs that you know are beneath your value and bring you no joy, because it will bring some money in for the time being – a means to an end.

PROCRASTINATION. You might find yourself listening to, reading about and understanding how you are preventing yourself from improving your life and then not putting anything into action. It’s one thing being aware, then procrastinating… but for years? Surely you are just putting off your dreams because of your fear of failure/success. Action is the only thing that will change your life!

MAKING EXCUSES- This is where you follow in line with old patterns of limiting self beliefs. If you always do what you have always done, then you will always get what you always got.

ACTIVELY AVOIDING OPPORTUNITIES to follow your dreams, making sure you spend all your time following the money or engaging in the humdrum details of daily life. When an opportunity to get involved with something you love presents itself to you, grab it man! Don’t say you don’t have time, or convince yourself you will do it later. Do it now and learn as you go.