2010 Predicions Part I: Yankees Pitchers

With the season only two days away, Baseball Fever is getting the best of us. Several sports sites and blogs are rushing to finalize their predictions for the 2010 baseball season. After reading several predictions and projections, it hit me that I should make my own predictions to post on my blog. I refuse to let my loyal readers feel like they’re missing out on the madness of forecasts by reading my blog.

So, I will begin my predictions with what I see in our pitchers’ future for this year. I will write my predictions about our hitters tomorrow.

PRETTY IN PINSTRIPES’ 2010 PREDICTIONS

•Yankees Pitchers•

CC Sabathia:

Halfway through the season, CC will become a vegan. After the news comes out about Sabathia’s new diet, McDonald’s will create a new vegan burger to rival the McVeggie, and call it the McInnings – so that you too can eat innings like CC.

AJ Burnett:

This season, AJ will experiment with other desserts to use in walk-off wins. He will try using a Raspberry Lemon Layer Cake, some Double Chocolate Pudding, and a Blueberry Corn Cake. In June, Burnett will be asked to go back to using pies, after some of the burned sugar from his Walk-Off Creme Brulee hurts Posada’s left eye.

Andy Pettitte:

At some point this season, Dandy Andy will lose his cool and drop the F-Bomb during a press conference. After the conference, Cashman will take Pettitte aside and say “Don’t start talking like you pitch for the Red Sox”. The next day, ESPN will call Andy’s use of profanity “roid rage”, and George Mitchell will be asked to take a leave of absence from his work as Special Envoy for the Middle East, so that he can carry out another investigation.

Javier Vazquez:

Vazquez will not only put “2004” behind him, and make us forget the pain, but he will have the best season ever experienced by a Major League pitcher. He will
win 35 games, have an ERA of 1.08 throughout the season, and will win the 2010 A.L. Cy Young Award. Then, he will go to Disney World.

Phil Hughes:

This season, during one of his starts against the Red Sox, Phil Hughes will deliver a message from Joba to Kevin Youkilis. Phil will throw at Youkilis’ head. Youk will then charge the mound, and proceed to get his a** kicked by Phil Hughes, Ramiro Pena, and Francisco Cervelli. Edwar Ramirez, who will be watching the game with the crowds, will jump out from the stands, run onto the field, and deliver the knock-out punch to Youkilis.

Mariano Rivera:

In August, Mariano Rivera will hold a press conference and reveal that God sent him the cutter through the Holy Spirit. The Vatican will study this revelation, and decide that it is indeed true, and Rivera will be named the first living Saint in the Catholic Church. Shortly after, Jonathan Papelbon will call on all the Catholics in Boston to denounce their faith and join the Papelbonic Church, in which he is the father, the son, the Holy Spirit, and the only Saint. Followers of the Papelbonic Church will be known as “Papelboners”, a name that holds accuracy on the deepest of levels.

Joba Chamberlain:

This season, Joba Chamberlain will focus all his efforts on becoming the heir to Mariano’s throne. He will become Rivera’s student, and the team will start calling him “The Grasshopper” – partly because he’s Mariano’s “protege”, and partly because of a weird dance he does in the locker room as his pre-game ritual. One day, while trying to learn how to throw “The Cutter Of God”, Joba will accidentally throw a new pitch. This pitch will be something that has never been seen before in baseball. It will be a combination of a cutter, 2-seamer, changeup, sinker, curveball and its opposite screwball. The result will be a pitch in which the ball travels to the plate at 98 MPH while spiraling in big circles. No batter will be able to hit it, and Joba will have an ERA of 0.00.

Damaso Marte:

Damaso Marte’s “Cranky Left Shoulder” will get laid, and will no longer be cranky. The new “Happy Left Shoulder” will carry Marte into the playoffs injury-free.

David Robertson:

This year, D-Rob will light several candles in church, and pray to God that he never plays under Joe Torre management, ever in his career.

Chan Ho Park:

Park will get special permission to grow facial hair, once it becomes known that the true source of his great pitching was his epic beard.

Alfredo Aceves:

“Aces” will have a successful spot-start this season, which will push everyone to question Joe Girardi’s decision to leave him out of the starting rotation. This pressure will get to Girardi, and after the All-Star break, Girardi will place Phil Hughes in the bullpen, and Alfredo Aceves in the 5th spot in the rotation. After Aceves fails in this role, he will be placed in the bullpen again for the playoffs.

Sergio Mitre:

Mitre will suck. I’m sorry, I can’t make anything up here. I hope I won’t have to see him all season. This is the truth.

Boone Logan:

In August, Boone Logan will meet a female Yankees fan, who will be on vacation in New York. While visiting her family after living in Dubai for a year, she will win the heart of the left-handed reliever, and his pitching will improve greatly. He will have an ERA of 0.32 in the month of August, and will realize that this woman is his good luck charm. They will get married in January 2012. *cough*