I don't know about you, but I love pubs with a passion. There are so many different moods you can get and most of them are fabulous. For instance, on a rare working day lunchtime, I might settle for a couple of pints while reading my books or the newspaper. Relaxing, peaceful. Other times, it's just meeting people I haven't seen for ages and smirking about how much better I'm doing in life than they are. Oh yeah, that's a favourite that. "You're a Hollywood producer now? Ha ha ha! You fucking idiot, how did you sink so low?"

Best times are those disputatious evenings in which veiled insults are hurled back and forth during political debate. Sometimes there's a spot of genius. Some one expatiates as if illumined by some rare spark, holds forth on crucial issues, extemporises on philosophical themes, slags off the latest boy-girl band or whatever. Or, best of all, some one breaks down and admits they are really very nice and they can't understand why everyone thinks they're cold and distant. That fucker cracks me up every time.

But the best thing about the British pub is that the unspoken subterranean electricities that are too easily submerged behind professionalism, courtesy or civility are teased out in drunken rages. How often I have heard a noxious conversation begin with the words, "I'm not a racialist, but..." Then: "These fucking asylum seekers, coming over here, taking our fucking top hotels, driving BMWs. Send em back!" Yeah, dude, I think we should send you back to the fucking womb. Dr Lenin does post-natal abortions, you know.

One thing, though. Years of experience have taught me this. Never, ever rise to any bait with a chance of physical violence when you're drunk. The best chance you've got is that they're as drunk as you are, in which case you'll both look fucking stupid as you lob slow, lumpen punches at each other. Far better, I say, to give any would-be assailant a gentle tap on the bum and remind them that Astroglide is available in all good chemists. If you're lucky, you could even get a rough shag out of the deal.