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Patriotism Now 50% Off, Thanks to Online Coupons

Most of the time, you don’t have to look very far or think too much about what it means to be American. Lest we forget, we are constantly reminded of our duties as a citizen to uphold the lofty values that our forefathers intended to bequeath upon our great land.

Like most mornings, I open my email and begin deleting junk from a list of usual suspects: Living Social, Groupon, Capitol Deal, Amazon Local Deal, the landlord, debt collectors, Eversave, and ESPN. However, this time, I found the diamond in the rough awaiting me in my inbox:

“Subject: Half Off Patriotism – Fourth of July Deals ‏”

Thanks to the advent of modern technology, I was given a key, nay a revelation, to enjoy my god-given rights as an American to the maximum extent possible by virtue of…Patriotic Online Deals for the Fourth of July!

With Independence Day just around the corner, many of us have already concocted detailed strategies of how we will honor our great nation. For many, this usually involves a simple equation consisting of food, family, friends, fireworks, and copious alcohol consumption. My current plans still adhere to this time-honored tradition, but after receiving the opportunity to purchase a bevy of limited-time offers, my Fourth of July machinations have bloomed into a star-spangled furor, sure to shatter my own personal records of patriotism.

How, you ask? Behold, the keys to freedom enshrined in the Articles of Online Coupon Patriotism:

Article I: Freedom to consume mailable meat.
History will one day reveal that Benjamin Franklin developed the idea of a national post system expressly for the purpose of sending frozen raw meat to customers across the country. While he is unable to partake in the fruit of his labor, I implore you to toast ol’ Ben as you inhale your vacuum-packed steak, hot off the grill, and dedicate your first bite into medium-rare mailmeat in his honor..

Article II: Freedom of inebriation with complete strangers.
Granted, the term “pub” is implicitly British in nature, but just as we forgave the Brits for kicking their ass in the Revolutionary War, I will forgive the author of this coupon deal. Getting blasted at several watering holes within our nation’s capital will warm the hardest souls of dissident Americans and tree-hugging hippies alike, who can revel together in spirited camaraderie. Crawling from bar to bar will also work up your appetite for another Omaha Steak.

Article III: Freedom to display American flag on body and inanimate objects.
As Americans, we take every opportunity to salute our nation’s flag, whether it is at school during the pledge of allegiance or before sporting events with the national anthem. Sometimes, that’s not enough. Inspired by the grace of Francis Scott Key and Betsy Ross, our modern countrymen have discovered a way to intertwine flag admiration with chugging cold drinks via the Suzy Kuzy beer mitts. Fingerless neoprene gloves emblazoned with the stars and stripes is the perfect accoutrement for any patriot wishing to keep their beverage as cold as possible. If the glove wasn’t enough, a matching can-coozie is included, which will most definitely come in handy during the pub I mean bar crawl.

Article IV: Freedom from physical toil.
If there is one thing we learned from the Revolutionary War, it is that marching is a major pain in the ass. Leave it to American innovation to solve this problem, as the late inventor of the segway, Dean Kamen, proved that even the most basic function in life can be rendered obsolete (may his soul rest in peace). The segway tour would also be worth its weight in gold during the bar crawl, as well as transporting one’s self to the final stop on the Tour de Fourth, which is…….

Article V: Freedom to bear arms.
In an attempt to renew our disdain for King George, we have the opportunity to uphold perhaps the holiest of rights in all our land by concluding a carnivorous, beer-soaked afternoon by handling–and repeatedly firing–a semi-automatic weapon for a full hour. Feel safe to assume that novelty targets will be provided by the NRA-certified instructor and feature cutouts of humans, animals, hippies, and the seal of the Democratic Party. If you live in Utah, bask in unfettered delight as you fire countless rounds through a Smokey the Bear target, thereby igniting yet another wildfire caused by sparks from stray bullets into dry kindling on the mountainside. Participants are also encouraged to wear their Suzy Kuzy neoprene gloves to the shooting range.

If you live in Utah, bask in unfettered delight as you fire countless rounds through a Smokey the Bear target, thereby igniting another wildfire caused by sparks from a stray bullet.

That these deals, plus several more, were contained in the same email message is a true stroke of genius not only from the marketing perspective, but from the vantage point of the consumer as well. I was also surprised at how closely the coupon specials aligned with the actual articles contained in the Bill of Rights.

The right to seek peace and prosperity.

As Americans, we understand that the pursuit of happiness usually comes at the expense of others. We say that all men are created equal, yet rejoice if and when we have a better livelihood than our fellow citizens and relish every moment to rub it in their nose, much like our Congress does on a daily basis. This tenet also goes hand-in-hand with the right to bear arms. One cannot simply enjoy peace without first enduring armed battle. People ask what the hell we are still doing in Afghanistan when the answer is staring them directly in the face: we are protecting our freedom and guaranteeing peace by blowing people up–bad guys and good guys–with robot planes. See? It’s not that complicated.

The right to bear arms.

An obvious parallel and perhaps the most important right of all is the right to own, carry, and god-willing, shoot a firearm–preferably a fully-automatic weapon at anybody infringing on our right to bear arms because that is what our nation’s forefathers would have wanted.

The right to reckless and wanton consumption.

Sure, this was not included in the original Bill of Rights. However, had Wal-Mart existed back in the 18th century, you can safely wager this inalienable right would top the list as it does in the 21st century. You can also be certain that you would be standing in line on July 3rd for at least 45 minutes waiting to purchase all of the party supplies you require to do your Independence Day celebration justice. There would also be many more Totino’s Pizza Roll stains on the Constitution.

Well, I have raved enough. I need to purchase these deals before they are gone. I also feel it is my duty to call upon all inhabitants of the United States of America to unite and join me in availing these amazing online discounts and string together a day full of unbridled patriotism that George, Thomas, Abe, and Teddy will surely smile down upon as we foster the seeds of freedom for a new generation.