Tuesday, December 3, 2013

It seems like every time my boyfriend visits I gain a million fucking pounds. I haven't even weighed myself because I'm scared. I can see how disgusting I am. My boyfriend is 200 pounds but he's 5'10 so it doesn't show AT ALL. I'm 5'3 and 190- ? I'm disgusting. I'm gonna fast and start exercising again. I'll post some thinspo for y'all. Sorry for my disappointing news (again!)

Monday, November 25, 2013

My boyfriend is here right now. My mom sat us down and had a talk with us. She portrayed me in such a bad light and the whole time all I wanted to do was shove pizza down my throat, which I did. Followed by many sips of Pepsi. Then before she was even finished talking I went to the bathroom and I purged. I purged until I was empty and I felt better. My boyfriend wanted to kiss me because he thought my feelings were hurt but I turned my head cause I didn't want him to smell the vomit. I feel bad that I hurt him. I love him. I don't think I'm gonna tell him about this. Ugh.

Friday, November 22, 2013

My last post was actually named something like "updates and thinspo" and the "updates and shit" was before I decided to add thinspo so I guess it only saved the original copy and when I tried publishing it AGAIN this morning I didn't notice that it didn't contain the thinspo so I'm sorry. I recently got an iPhone 4S so I'm trying to figure this stuff out. Ugh.
Yesterday I said "fuck" in front of my therapist without realizing it. I feel dirty now. I never really swore in front of my therapist so it made me cringe when it just slipped out like that. I've been accidentally/ "accidentally" restricting the past two days. I sleep all day, so yesterday when I woke up it was like 1 in the afternoon and my therapist appt. was at 5:30 so I had to leave by 4:30 and I still had to do laundry and shower and stuff so I just skipped eating. I drank some apple cinnamon tea though. But boy did I feel the repercussions, I live in a huge city that everyone has heard of, so when it's 4:30 that's rush hour traffic. So my dad had to constantly brake and go brake and go brake and go, so it made me incredibly nauseous and I had a terrible headache (this happens regularly when my bloodsugar gets too low, I think) so I felt awful and every time I looked down to change the song on my phone I felt the intense urge to puke everywhere. My therapist gave me a power bar which helped me for a bit and when I got home I had chicken soup and toast. That's it. I don't know how much I weigh this morning and I didn't get nearly enough sleep to get an accurate reading so after I get a nap in then I'll weigh myself.
I can sleep because I'm so hungry. My bones hurt and feel jumpy at the same time. I had to wake up at 6:50 today and I didn't even sleep until 3 am because I was starving. But I didn't eat. That's all that matters right? School is stressful. I feel so out of control. There's literally nothing that is in my hands and my hands alone. I need to clean my room and sleep and wait for my boyfriend to come down tomorrow. I need to be hugged and I need his warm cuddles.
I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this obese monstrosity staring back at me. I want to carve all of the fat off my body. But I can't because it will scar. That's the only thing that's stopping me. I want to be thin and beautiful not thin and horribly disfigured. I'll shut up now and post some thinspo. I've got a small variety since all my other photos are stuck in my old phone. I'll have to look into getting them out. I'll update later today or tomorrow. Until then my chickies (:

Okay so josh and I worked everything out and he agreed never to see her again and now we're right back to being happy and in love.

I realized how fat I've become and it disgusts me. I want to be skinny and beautiful and I want to be able to walk around naked in front of my boyfriend, ya know? So I've been eating less and exercising. I think I'm gonna start purging again... I miss it. I know that sounds sick but I miss the rush and how I felt so pure afterwards. I loved that feeling. I still do. Nothing can compare to it. Purging and restricting was when I lost the most weight. I just want to be thin and I want to be able to see some rib action. Is that wrong?

Keep holding on.

~xoxo anamia~

EDIT: I actually posted this several days ago but barely noticed right now that the publishing failed. I'm sorry to keep you guys waiting!!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

So I realized that a lot of you have no idea what happened yesterday.Well I don't think I told you guys that josh came to see me this weekend. He had a three day weekend so he drove all this way to spend it with me.

Well he got here Friday night and has been staying at my house since, we've been having a lot of fun and our relationship sparked right back up again. Well last night I wanted to surprise him by finding him directions in his phone so that he wouldn't get lost when he left tomorrow morning. I got curious so I clicked on his texts with his ex Ashley and started reading through them. That's when I found out that he had cheated on me. It was purely physical and a one time only thing and he admitted to it when I confronted him. He even cried, which he never does in front of anyone. Ever.

I had to decide what to do but I was so sad that I was crying in my room telling my best friend about it (this was at 2 am FYI) and then I went out to the living room and my boyfriend and I talked it out. He answered all of my questions and it seems like he was genuinely sorry about it.

Here's the weird thing. I know I should've reacted really angry and upset and yelling and stuff and don't get me wrong, I cried, but there was just something about it... Like I cried because I felt like it was what most people would do in that situation but honestly I didn't feel any different towards him. I still trusted him the same (weirdly) and I still loved him and wanted to be with him. But I didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to think that it was acceptable behavior but I didn't want to break up. So I prayed, I asked god to help me and for some reason I felt really calm all of a sudden and felt the urge to forgive my boyfriend. So I did. I forgave him and he promised he would never do it again and I believe him. He was lonely and he really is a good guy, so I don't see why I can't forgive him this time.

But. Now it's a new day and I'm laying here next to him and I'm thinking about them having sex and kissing and fondling each other and it's making me sick. He's mine. I love him. And he was kissing another girl. He was touching another girl. Not just any girl but his ex. The chick he was with for 2 and a half years. How do I compete with that? We've only been together for 5 months. I feel confused. I know that he loves me and all that but god, what do I do? I keep thinking of them undressing each other and moaning and it's fucking grossing me out. That was supposed to be us. I was supposed to be with him. Not her. I can't think anymore I need to focus on other things. I'll update y'all later. Thanks for listening.

Godfuckingdamn. My boyfriend cheated on me. How do I know? I looked through his phone ( just by curiosity I swear) and I read his texts with his ex and they pretty much told me so. I cut myself and I'm crying and I'm just falling to pieces. I want this pain to stop. Please just make it stop.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

I'm 191 lbs today! Woo. It's so fucked up that I'm cheering myself on for being such a high number. My future is fucked. If I can't lose all this fucking weight by the time that my boyfriend comes, then he's probably not even gonna like me anymore. Nah he's not that superficial. But god damnit I feel like he won't ya know? Cause I'm so paranoid about what everyone is thinking all the damn time.

I'm watching American horror story right now, I love this freaking show. Anyway my future is screwed. I havent Studied for the SATs and I'm taking them next month. $51 down the drain. I haven't finished college applications. LOL I haven't even started applications. I'm so fucking lame and I'm probably gonna pick up garbage for the rest of forever. I can't get a job either. I have no money and no future so I might as well just fucking die now. Whatever maybe that's what's best.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

So as I posted yesterday, I gained tons of weight back. This morning I was 192.2 which is wayyyy better than 194. Yesterday I did fast but I did go walking for an hour :D slowly so that I wouldn't hurt my ankles ya know? And I burned 262 calories. Woo! Today was better food wise but I still have to exercise tonight.

Oh big news!! I got an iPhone 4S! My first iPhone ever and so far I really love it hehe I got the white one because white is my favorite color (: I need a case for it soon cause the last thing I want to do it drop it lol. Now that I've downloaded all my main apps (blogger, my fitness pal, run keeper, etc) it's gonna be much easier to get back on track. Here's to hoping!

Monday, November 4, 2013

I know its been a while but I've been thinking about you guys almost everyday. I failed again. I know I know you're probably tired of hearing me repeat it over and over. I have less than a month, thanksgiving break to be exact, to lose 20 lbs. My boyfriend is coming for thanksgiving and I need to lose all the extra fat that I've accumulated these past couple months. I'm gonna do a water,tea and coffee fast today.
Oh I started cutting again. But not really because I was emotional, I just missed it. I know that makes me sound looney but I missed how it felt, like a release. I actually bought an exacto knife for the sole purpose of using it to cut. I'm a total loon.
This morning I weighed in at 194.4 lbs. That means in the three years+ that I've been at this I've only lost 2 lbs. Two fucking pounds. I need to stop filling my body with garbage and do something about all this fat. Wish me luck please.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Just as I thought, when I weighed myself 3 days ago I was 188 ); BUT I didn't get discouraged, I just kept plowing on through with my workouts and somewhat nutritious food. And guess what! The next day I woke up as 187 :D its little but its only the first step! I couldn't weigh myself yesterday because I only got 2 hours of sleep because I was up all night studying. Sigh. But I still went out running and I came home feeling sooooo accomplished. I ran one mile and walked one mile so I burned up some calories (: on my runkeeper app, they have different kinds of training plans and I wanted to pick one for a 5k, but they all cost money so I went with the 10k one instead O: it looks waaaaay harder. But as long as I stick with it, I could be slipping on size 0 jeans in no time (: plus I gotta lose 30 pounds by Christmas because that's when my cuddle bear comes back hehe ^__^ I wanna be smoking hot for our sexy time (; haha I'm so happy. I really do love exercising, its just willpower that I lack :P anyway I got to get to bed, I can't wait until I can weigh myself in the morning! :D

The first workout to my training plan is a 2 mile "easy" run... This plan is exactly what I need to drop weight quickly.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Sorry I haven't posted in a while guys, I've had a lot of bullshit going on. For the past 2 weeks or so I've been walking/running with my puppy almost everyday! but I've still been eating like the fucking fatty that I am. I honestly feel like I'm just a lost cause. Sure I'm exercising but my new pants don't even fit me anymore, what the fuck like seriously I'm such a failure. I ate like 3 fattening things today, but that's it. Tonight I'm gonna drink pickle juice instead of eating because it always makes me feel gross and bloated so I won't be tempted to eat anything else. I'm so tired of this constant fat battle. I have to train my body to not want fattening food. My mom said I'm starting to grow a double chin D: thanks for the love mom -__- I've been battling with depression again for the past 3 weeks and I'm seriously behind in my classes. I only have part of my first college essay done so far, I'm so behind. Now I have to worry about the stupid SAT's. words cannot describe my stress level right now. I'm tired and frustrated oh and I finally got my medication (both prescriptions) so now I'm having to adjust to that. I am having to deal with all the fucking side effects of the trazodone ALL OVER AGAIN. because my mother skipped an entire month of my damn prescription. So now I feel like a zombie and I've had a migraine for the past 4 days. Not to mention that I remain tired unless I get 12 hours of sleep. yes you read that right, I have to sleep for half a day in order to feel awake in the "morning"
I don't know how much I weigh but it's probably close to the high 180's. sigh. now you guys are gonna have to hear me groan about the whole weight loss process all over again lol but it will be worth it when I finally reach my goal!! woooooo

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

We had an amazing time. We went to the beach, this beautiful outdoor mall, to the mountains, and other places too (: we spent his first day at the beach and we got so sunburn lol but we took care of each other and it was cute :3 I know its dumb to say but I honestly feel like we are meant to be. I dunno I just feel like its right, ya know?
I look like shit cause I'm sunburned in most of these pictures but we are still super cute C:

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Okay I'm blogging from my therapists waiting room, ironic eh? As of this morning I was 181.3 C: <-- that's a smiley face for those of you who don't spend your entire life online, like I do ): not that its a bad thing. Anyhow, I have progressed yet again with my weight loss so things are looking up. BUT its been hot as hell, no wait, I think hell is cooler than this shit weather. Today its 101. 101 fucking degrees. Thats Fahrenheit not celsius lol. God Damn I don't even know how to spell celcius? Don't judge me I'm dyslexic. No seriously I am. Whatever I'm happy that I've lost weight (: I honestly had to kick my own ass and practically threaten myself out of the front door to go exercise but in the end I did it :D because it's been so hot I've been going running and 6AM almost everyday with the exception of like the past two days. In my defense, I haven't been eating too much because of the extreme heat. I wanted today to be a fast day but I ate a mango and a piece of bread with butter and cheese, yes I know -___- don't even tell me.
So two days ago I purged. It wasn't that hard because I have weird nauseous reactions to heat but it was definitely intentional. Yea its bad but I dunno, I just felt like I needed to. Not promising it to be the last time either.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

yesterday i was a grotesque 185.7. yes i know. fuck me right? but the past couple days I've forced myself to go out at 6 AM and run a mile. Today I weighed in at 184.4. It's not great but it's better than yesterday. I'm doing a drink fast. so far today I've only had 2 cups of black mango tea (i think that's what it's called) and a cup of cola. I'm steeping more tea right now. I feel angry. Angry at myself, at my body, at my parents, and this stupid fucking stomach and the human need to eat. I'm so fucking angry at myself. I hate my body, I hate myself.
I'm starting to get the purge thoughts again. I haven't done it yet, but it's constantly there in the back of my mind. I think it's safer to just not eat anything until my boyfriend gets here. I know he's gonna want to pick me up at the train station and I don't want him to pass out in public because I'm too fucking fat to lift. I feel ashamed and pathetic. I feel like crying. I got a new top, jeggings, and a cute parka/cardigan and guess what? I look so fat in them. I dont even want to wear them in public. Oh and wanna hear something ironic? I got new exercise clothes to inspire myself to work out and THEY DON'T FUCKING FIT. I got them in a large "just in case" and they still don't fucking fit. I'm seriously getting emotional right now. The only thing I've eaten is a tiny spoon of chili beans that I made for my parents because I wanted to make sure that I seasoned them correctly. That's it. Not even 20 calories. I ran out of my trazodone and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't sleep at night, that's how I'm able to go running at 6 am. I fall asleep in the middle of the day and sleep through it. I've been doing my yoga lately too. OH and I'm on my fucking period.. how fucking great right? on the one hand I'm glad that I'm not pregnant, but on the other hand I really don't know how much I weigh because I gain weight on my period. Last time he saw me I was 177 so hopefully I don't look like a fucking whale. We all know how those few extra pounds look on us. I'm so fucking gross. okay the tea is called Mango Black Tea. I got it at trader joes and its delicious. Even the smell is delicious. I need my meds. I'll update tomorrow lovelies and sorry for the disappointing news.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Holy fuck. Honestly I have fallen off the wagon and been run over by a thousand people. That's how bad I've gotten. The past two days I've had a headache so I didn't eat that much but I still weigh like 170 - 180. But the reason I'm flipping the fuck out is because MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING DOWN FOR LABOR DAY WEEKEND. That's a fucking week away. One fucking week. I'm going to exercise every second I can and try not to eat that much. I need to look somewhat decent before he comes. I'll weigh myself in the morning.

Monday, August 5, 2013

So needless to say I fell off the bandwagon with the dieting and exercising and all that shit. But it's coming back. I keep feeling like I used to. With the suicidal thoughts and the "hey I should jump in front of a truck today" thoughts. Not only that but I had a pregnancy scare and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. I haven't had my period since the week before I went to see my boyfriend, then I got a UTI, and then I was feeling all emotional (probably because of stress) not to mention I'm so fucking fat. But I bought pregnancy tests and I took one today and it was negative so I'm going to take the other one tomorrow and hopefully it will still be negative.

The boyfriend has been in a bad mood since last night and he won't tell me why yet. Automatically my mind goes to the break up zone but I'm not sure so we'll see what happens. It's weird but I have the ability to kinda sense what other people are feeling, like I can sense whenever my boyfriends upset without him even telling me or even strangers sometimes. I think it's called an empath. No I'm not crazy I'm serious. Anyway so he said he was in a foul mood but I didn't push him into telling me. I feel so helpless because we're long distance. I wish I could lay with him and rub his back when he's sad. It hurts my heart. I think all this anxiety is making me sick. I've been sneezing non-stop and I have this gross cough.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Yesterday was an awful day emotionally but was under my calorie limit. I weighed 171 as of this morning and I know it was supposed to be a fast day BUT my mom took me to the beach and it is really hard to ignore food when you're sunburn to all hell. So I didn't fast, but I will tomorrow. And I'll just continue with the list of days from there. I'm so close to my first GW I can't wait!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

I was under by just 1 calorie today, it could've been worse so I'm not gonna think anything of it. I got my ass outside and exercised lol and my net cals were under 100! (: I weighed myself right now and I was 174. That means that tomorrow I'm gonna be under 174 because I weighed myself with all the food and water weight still in my body. I'm practically making lettuce and tomato salads when I get hungry at dinner time and its actually working in my favor. As long as I keep the veggies going and limit my calories intake I could be at my first GW in less than a week! I can't wait. I've lost two inches across my waist so far, which isn't that big of a deal but its better than the 35 inches I was before. Next I wanna blast my back fat away haha. Imma start settling down for sleep now so I wish you all luck in your journeys. Hoping for 173 tomorrow!

About Me

Okay I started this blog a while ago and I sorta went on a hiatus but I'm back now! You can call me jess, I'm 16 and I've changed my view of things in the past 3 years. I suffer from anorexia with bulimic tendencies, depression, and social anxiety. I don't promote eating disorders and wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I've suffered from it since I was 8 and I've been through a lot of stuff. I'm here if anyone needs to talk so feel free to message me about anything! I won't judge you I promise