Your Kid Looks At Porn. Now What?

I was recently interviewed by internet safety expert Dr. Larry Magid for a piece on kids looking at porn. We had such an interesting conversation I thought I'd write about this myself.

Of course, 700 words can't possibly cover every aspect of this issue. But let's begin.

Given the typical danger-oriented media coverage of pornography, it's easy for parents to feel terribly anxious about this issue. To listen to Newsweek or "morality" groups (or completelyunproven new "brain science"), you'd think that every American boy is in danger of becoming a porn addict--an obsessive, aggressive loser who hates women, and eventually destroys himself.

So let's all take a deep breath and calm down.

Here's what we know: All children are sexual. That means they have sexual feelings and thoughts. Naturally, six-year-olds don't think about intercourse, and thirteen-year-olds can't imagine the subtleties of mutual arousal and satisfaction. But every human is born a sexual being. How parents deal with their feelings about their children's sexuality will shape how they feel about, and what they do about, their kid looking at porn.

So how do you, Mom or Dad, feel about your kid masturbating? That is, after all, why he or she looks at porn more than once or twice. If you can't handle that, the kid's use of porn will of course be unacceptable--but beside the point. Whether it's about kids' use or adults' use, too many conversations about whether porn is harmful to users or society is really about the unacceptability of masturbation. If that's your position, be honest and say "I don't want my kid masturbating to porn because I don't want my kid masturbating."

Even parents who accept the reality that their kids are sexual and masturbate can be concerned about porn. What if it's violent? What if it encourages values of which I disapprove? What if it's confusing?

The answer to all three questions is: it might.

The porn your kid watches might be violent--but it probably isn't. Most porn isn't--for the simple reason that there's a limited market for that.

The porn your kid watches might encourage values of which you disapprove--but it probably doesn't. Most porn shows men and women as partners, wanting pleasure and wanting to give pleasure. Porn isn't a love story, so if you disapprove of people having sex before marriage, you may object to your kid watching almost any sexual depiction, whether it's porn or Desperate Housewives.

But if your kid watches porn, he or she might easily get confused: Is that what sex is really like? Is that what most people look like naked? Do strangers really have sex together so easily? Are some people really rough with each other in bed? (This is where you explain that just as kids play games on the ballfield, pretending to be mean or brave when they really aren't, some adults play games in bed, pretending to be bossy or submissive when they really aren't.)

Questions like these deserve answers. And if you remember yourchildhood--before the internet--you know that kids develop questions (and confusion) about sex even without porn. After all, you did.

The response to "my kid's watching porn, what do I do?" is--you talk about it. You ask lots of gentle questions. Your kid squirms. You explain stuff. You squirm. No one's comfortable talking about this. You talk anyway. That's what parents do--they talk about subjects even when they're uncomfortable.

Just like kids need media literacy, kids need porn literacy. They need to understand that they're watching actors playing roles, not documentaries. They need to understand that just as Glee and Harry Potter are edited, so are porn films. None of these media products is an accurate portrayal of real life. For example, porn usually omits two crucial parts of sex--the feelings and the talking.

All of this argues for a pre-existing parent-child relationship, doesn't it? No one wants their first parent-child conversation about sex to be about porn.

So make 2012 the year you raise the subject of sexuality with each of your kids. Both you and they will benefit. And if at some point you need to discuss porn with them, you'll already be in the middle of a loving, long-term dialogue.

What do you make of the "superstimulating" porn argument posed by such PT bloggers as Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson, positing that the nature of today's online porn is such that it can easily suck teen boys (and adults!) into online porn addiction? The porn is so potent these days, they argue, that it has a massive effect on the dopamine system in the brain, and can basicaly ruin normal lives in a way that porn of ten or twenty or a hundred and twenty years ago could not.

Anonymous wrote:
“What do you make of the "superstimulating" porn argument posed by such PT bloggers as Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson, positing that the nature of today's online porn is such that it can easily suck teen boys (and adults!) into online porn addiction?”
Personally I think they make very good points. Perhaps a good way to handle the issue of teenage porn use it to discuss it with your teenager and explain to him that you are ok with him looking at non-violent pornographic pictures, but that you don't want him watching pornographic videos for the very reasons that Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson point out.

Also, way before your child becomes a teen, it is very important to provide opportunities for him to develop friendships and hobbies so that by the time they hit puberty, becoming addicted (whether to drugs or porn or whatever) is much less likely.

"Perhaps a good way to handle the issue of teenage porn use it to discuss it with your teenager and explain to him that you are ok with him looking at non-violent pornographic pictures, but that you don't want him watching pornographic videos..."

I think this approach might have the opposite effect and cause the teen to seek out the stuff that is consider "forbidden" to see what its all about. I think that's how most teens work. What their parents approve of isn't a big deal, the stuff they disapprove of is what they want to do, especially if they already have rebellious tendencies.

My concern is to tell kids, ages 11 to 14 at least, you would rather not have them look at porn, we want to encourage them to ask any, I mean any sex questions they may have today, or 6 months from now, that your are always open to any kind of discussion. As there is a lot of porn to access, that is quite rough, three somes, with the hired help while their mate is a work and so on. Explaining how they are actors and most of everyone they will come in contact with , don't look or behave in that way, its for the movies, the shock value, for adults to see the other side of sex, that most of us do not engage in. explaining how adult couples have learned what is in the norm and whats entertainment. Ensuring the child knows you are not ashamed of him or her, and it is normal to masterbate in private only and to much is to much and please come to me so we can discuss why you may be so preoccupied with it. but never to make them feel they are wierd or shame them. Many parents just block it from their computer's and scold them, which only hurts their sexualality and trust in communicating with their parents. they should not be introuble for something they know nothing about, or have not be discussed with their child, before the age that it is most likely to begin.If your to late and find out. Behave as a parent should and explain the why's the what's and what is apporperate behavior in our family and community. How the porn they were whatching was showing disrespect to the women, not how a loving couple makes love to eachother, how you don't meet a person, that them home and have unprotected sex, with someone you do not know or care about, or plan not to ever see again, so it is ok to behave rudely, do sexual acts of some taboo sexual acts, that maybe ok if you have been in a long loving adult relationship and have discussed how each feels on these sexual acts, then if they agree they may try them with love and care. Parents need to be strong and educate themselves if they are unsure, but don't just set it for a later date, without discussing you now know this, and would like to have some time to think about it, but telling them they are not in trouble (at all) but you will discuss everything in a day or so.tell them to think of things they have questions about so at that time they can have a great discussion with their now pre-teen, how you did not notice how much they have grown up.Parents have to make this a great learning expereance, which will set the tone for their sexual behavior with others and how they talk about it at school, how they look at women and think sex means. this one thing can make or break your childs communication and sexual behavior. If we make mistakes and now know we should of handled this different, then we tell them, I made a mistake and i am sorry" could we please talk about this again, and make it right. parents don't be dumb and just say : no and block their access and make them feel like their a wierdo. As this will also make the child look and find other ways to find pron and it wont be any kind of porn you would want your child or even your self to view. They will talk and start hanging out with the kids that their parents don't even know whats going on with their child or made the mistakes I wrote of. If your not sure, ask a doctor like a PHD and your friends but don't wait and don't make your child feel as they have done wrong, as they have never had this to deal with, so your their teacher, do it right first time, don't be a lazy parent, and just because your the parent does not mean or make you right. Educate from the specialist as this will effect your son or daughters sexual, their boyFriend/girlfriend relationships and how they talk about these things with their same sex friend. This site is a great place to ash questions click on their other topics, use their search areas. But don't just think you know it all on many issues that your child will do, they'll come accross, hear from classmates, and on line. So be ready before the time is here, and/or fix the issue that you now know you have made your child feel bad, they didn't learn anything but not to trust or talk to you about anything. You will become more in the dark then you were before. thank you for your time...keep reading and learning..good luck

I was recently working amogst a group of middle aged men who have been using 15-17 year old girls for sex, and i'm fairly sure money has been changing hands. A full account is here;

travelsinnomansland.wordpress.com

I wrote it with the intent of distributing it in my community, but unfortunately the girls and men involved have already started a rumour that i have started a rumour about them (i actually haven't spoken to anyone until now) so i can't really do a thing at this point. If I stand against them i will just look like a bitter ex-employee.

This is why i am trying to get in touch with you; the experience has affected me deeply but i feel there are few people i could discuss this with who would consider it objectively. I'm not looking for therapy, just to understand.

I would be grateful if you could answer a few questions or direct me to resources that would answer my questions:

1)Does internet social pornography (i.e. chatroulette.com, other webcam chat sites) act as a gateway to sexual activity for young people? I've found many studies that indicate pornography is not significantly correlated with increased promoscuity in young people, but these studies do not seem to distinguish between passive pornography and interactive social pornography. My intuition is that someone who has engaged in increasingly explicit acts on webcam chat sites would find the transition to actual sexual activity far less daunting as a result.
It seems reasonable to suppose that most young people would find their way to such fashionable sites, and if unsupervised would almost certainly engage in sexualised behaviour. Therefore, a general trend toward increasing promiscuity amongst teenagers might be expected. I haven't been able to find any studies that address this.

2)I suspect the girls are fully aware that they are being manipulated, even prostituted, and yet they don't seem to care. The only conclusion i've been able to draw is that they feel in control. Possibly this shouldn't surprise me, i've read quite a bit in psychology, evolution etc. But it did surprise me. Why would they walk right into a situation like that? (NB - we are rural people. Maybe that is significant? It seems to me that while a community can adopt a cosmopolitan multicultural ideology from the city we can't adopt the experience that goes along with it - i.e. maybe to some extent there exists an attitude here that it's wrong to be racist therefore non-white people can't be bad guys.)

3)What really bothers me is i think the appeal in part for the girls is to scandalize, and i have become the focus of that. I am the stodgy, establishment foil (i.e. older white male) to their adventurousness. Legality aside, I find myself questioning whether there is really any harm in what they are doing. I mean, there is potential for harm but... i dunno. The ridicule i am being subjected to by many of the young people in my town scares me, frankly. I'm a libertarian but i can't really see a positive outcome in middle aged men sleeping with teenage girls.

I was recently working amogst a group of middle aged men who have been using 15-17 year old girls for sex, and i'm fairly sure money has been changing hands. A full account is here;

travelsinnomansland.wordpress.com

I wrote it with the intent of distributing it in my community, but unfortunately the girls and men involved have already started a rumour that i have started a rumour about them (i actually haven't spoken to anyone until now) so i can't really do a thing at this point. If I stand against them i will just look like a bitter ex-employee.

This is why i am trying to get in touch with you; the experience has affected me deeply but i feel there are few people i could discuss this with who would consider it objectively. I'm not looking for therapy, just to understand.

I would be grateful if you could answer a few questions or direct me to resources that would answer my questions:

1)Does internet social pornography (i.e. chatroulette.com, other webcam chat sites) act as a gateway to sexual activity for young people? I've found many studies that indicate pornography is not significantly correlated with increased promoscuity in young people, but these studies do not seem to distinguish between passive pornography and interactive social pornography. My intuition is that someone who has engaged in increasingly explicit acts on webcam chat sites would find the transition to actual sexual activity far less daunting as a result.
It seems reasonable to suppose that most young people would find their way to such fashionable sites, and if unsupervised would almost certainly engage in sexualised behaviour. Therefore, a general trend toward increasing promiscuity amongst teenagers might be expected. I haven't been able to find any studies that address this.

2)I suspect the girls are fully aware that they are being manipulated, even prostituted, and yet they don't seem to care. The only conclusion i've been able to draw is that they feel in control. Possibly this shouldn't surprise me, i've read quite a bit in psychology, evolution etc. But it did surprise me. Why would they walk right into a situation like that? (NB - we are rural people. Maybe that is significant? It seems to me that while a community can adopt a cosmopolitan multicultural ideology from the city we can't adopt the experience that goes along with it - i.e. maybe to some extent there exists an attitude here that it's wrong to be racist therefore non-white people can't be bad guys.)

3)What really bothers me is i think the appeal in part for the girls is to scandalize, and i have become the focus of that. I am the stodgy, establishment foil (i.e. older white male) to their adventurousness. Legality aside, I find myself questioning whether there is really any harm in what they are doing. I mean, there is potential for harm but... i dunno. The ridicule i am being subjected to by many of the young people in my town scares me, frankly. I'm a libertarian but i can't really see a positive outcome in middle aged men sleeping with teenage girls.