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Where’s The Party? A Hater’s Guide to Staying Home from Ptown

For the next week we’ll all be subject to a deluge of posts and pictures from everyone at Bear Week. In those moments when you feel like the only girl not invited to the party, here’s what to say when you pretend you’re glad not to be in Ptown.

1. The Dick Dock gets raided by the police. No joke. The police stand outside and nab freshly facialed frolickers.

2. There’s seriously not enough air conditioning. Seriously. Ptown is a very old town and while most places have an AC unit, its not nearly strong enough to chill the entire room… Not to mention a bar packed with hot hairy men.

3. Day one you’re like: “OMG Tea Dance is packed! Woohoo This rocks!” Day five you’re like: “Jesus Christ get out of my way. Why is it so fucking packed!?!”

4. If you’re sitting home that means you saved $1500-$2000. Cheers!

5. IT’S A BITCH TO GET TO. You can fly into Boston and take the ferry or drive up the Cape from another location. Either way its a long journey that gets real old real quick. I feel even worse saying this having seen some of the ‘travel stories from hell’ posted to Facebook.

6. In Provincetown you’ll run into everyone you’re trying to avoid and miss anyone you’re hoping to see. To be far, that’s the standard rule for all bear events though.

7. Like a lot of New England, Ptown is quaint and charming. When translated, those are pretty words that mean small and shitty. All that New England charm will get you a lot of small well worn buildings that weren’t made for the amount of fur and testosterone that is about to invade.

8. Did I mention its Satin level hot in the bars? It deserves a second mention. I vividly remember condensation dripping down the mirrors at the Crown and Anchor.

9. You’re not going to have sex during the day. Everywhere you look there are hotties and it makes for some great eye candy. However it can also cause a major case of “maybe there’s something better around the corner.” We’ve all experienced the phenomena and Ptown is 100 times worse. Don’t even bother looking for sex during day light because everyone is still sober enough to have standards. They think you’re cute but they don’t want to give it up in case there’s someone better. You can’t get too made either because you’re doing to the same thing to that guy on Growlr.

10. You’re not going to have sex with someone who’s sober. Unless you’re giving your boyfriend his morning wake up load, pretty much all the hook ups you have are going to be with drunk people. As I said, making a hook up happen is hard enough and you’re best shot is either right after Tea Dance or midnight to 2:00 am when all the guys are feeling drunk and horny. Sobriety brings standards but once they’re drunk their standards are at a much more realistic level. All the California and Texas super hotties have found each other and paired off the way super hotties always do. It becomes a “best of whats around” situation. If you’re still awake with a functional penis you’re at the top of the list.

To all the bears visiting Provincetown this week, I really do hope you have a wonderful time. Enjoy the planters punch and make choices you’ll regret in the morning.