By Smaktakula

Emmanuel’s Ambidexterity Keeps Her Smiling.

Diminutive former child stars Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman are often mentioned in the same sentence. At first glance, the similarities seem obvious: both were stunted African-American Eighties sitcom stars prized for their cuteness. And when their respective TV shows were cancelled, the two men faded from the public consciousness. But the similarities end there.

Don’t Feel Sorry For Him; Emmanuel Can Take Care Of Himself. He’s Only Here To Hook Up With Brooke.

Coleman’s sad fate has been well documented, not least by this publication. After Diff’rent Strokesfaded away, Gary struggled, both financially and personally. Gone from him were any traces of the beguiling cuteness which in 1978 seemed so limitless. He was a surly, unwilling TV presence, seemingly at odds with his Whatchootalkinbout past, but cognizant that nostalgic catchphrases were his sole remaining tether to show business. After a number of pitiable episodes which were captured on video, Coleman found himself in a sexless marriage with a known cooze. His sad, short story came to an end last year. God’s final joke on Coleman, having previously left him dwarfish, broke and virginal, was to let him die in Utah.

“It’s Not Fair. I’m Taller, Have A Sexier Voice And Made Way More Money. I’ll Bet You Can’t Name Even One ‘Webster’ Catchphrase. Well? You Can’t, Can You?”

Lewis, on the other hand, not only remains alive, but seems to have a life worth living. The adorable little fellow, who at 4’3″ is almost a half-foot shorter than was Coleman, has retained much of his former cuteness, still ranking consistently between ‘Lolcat’ and ‘Baby Bunny‘ on the Universal Cuteness Scale. Nor does it appear that the little skonk has any compunctions about using his former celebrity in the pursuit of nooky. He has no doubt already staved off the virginity which haunted Coleman throughout his loveless life. Lewis, an aficionado of karate, has taken various steps to improve himself. In 1997 the randy runt earned a degree from Clark Atlanta University.

Beware, Ladies! Lewis Is In Complete Control Of His Hyper-Adorableness. He Uses It Like A Weapon.

And yet, despite the differences between these tiny icons, it is not by accident that the pair is so often associated with one another. The most popular theory to explain this is that Lewis, for whom records date back only as far as 1971, is actually Gary Coleman from a parallel plane. The evidence for this is circumstantial, but compelling. Where Coleman was dissatisfied, sullen and virginal. the former Websteris a charming, happy little man-whore.

She Came With Michael, But Emmanuel Took Her Home.

Whether Emmanuel Lewis is actually Gary Coleman from an evil alternate universe or, however unlikely, the two are actually different individuals with no relationship between them, there can be no mistaking the very different roles they play in society and within their own lives. Lewis is the Antigary–he may yet die young, but you can bet it will be a demise worthy of the man once called “The Biggest 40 Inches In Hollywood,” possibly involving a hooker and a handgun.

“That’s What I’m Talkin’ ‘Bout, Bitch.”

SEE EMMANUEL FLIRT WITH A CHUNKY REPORTER!

SEE EMMANUEL DANCE IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH THE KING OF POP!

SEE WHY EMMANUEL IS AN INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR!

SEE WHAT JEALOUS GARY COLEMAN HAD TO SAY ABOUT EMMANUEL’S ADORING LEGIONS OF FANS!

By Smaktakula

“Mr. Drummond, I Assure You, Not Only Have I Never Heard Of Something Called A ‘Stinky Pinky,’ But I–OH!”

Diff’rent Strokes proved an instant hit with TV audiences in September of 1978. The Norman Lear sitcom about Harlem orphans falling into the lap of luxury was anchored by veteran stage actor Conrad Bain, and featured promising child stars Todd Bridges and Dana Plato. But the breakout star of the fledgling show was an adorably precocious chubby-cheeked Gary Coleman, whose shameless mugging and hilarious catchphrase, Whatchootalkinbout, blurred the line between funny and precious.

For a time, Diff’rent Strokes was a cultural phenomenon. There were spinoffs both successful and unsuccessful–The Facts of Life and Hello Larry, respectively. A variety of high-profile guest stars appeared on the set, including Knight Rider and KITT, Mr. T and an only slightly punchy Muhammad Ali. Nancy Reagan even made an appearance in an very-special 1983 episode, where she made famous the line, Just Say No, which would within a few months completely eradicate America’s drug problem. It seemed there was no place too remote to escape the ubiquitous images of cherubic Gary Coleman and the rest of the gang. The future was indeed bright.

When Norman Lear Heard The Story Of The Park Avenue Psycho Who Abducted Two Street Kids As Sex Slaves (Seen Here On Surveillance Video), He Knew He Had A Hit Sitcom On His Hands. He’d Have To Clean It Up A Little First.

But by the time Diff’rent Strokes limped off the air in 1986, things had changed. The venerable show had outlasted everyone’s expectations, but the cracks were beginning to show. Cast members left, and improbable new ones were added. Worst of all, while puberty had done nothing for Coleman’s stumpy physique, it had cruelly robbed him of his last vestiges of cuteness, leaving him a troll. Even by the time the cameras had stopped rolling, people had begun to whisper about a curse.

Todd Bridges/Willis Jackson: Of the show’s three principal child stars, Todd Bridges has fared the best in that he remains alive as of this writing. In the early 1990s, it seemed almost a certainty that the actor would have been long dead by now. Life after Diff’rent Strokes may not have been easy for Todd, but it wasn’t boring.

Bridges traces his downfall to the diabolical troika of Sex, Drugs and Dana Plato. Already an up-and-coming child star by the time of Diff’rent Strokes, Todd was thrust too quickly into a world with which he couldn’t cope. Todd’s burgeoning crack addiction contributed to his legal problems, including a 1988 arrest for shooting a man while on a drug-binge. Bridges had both the wherewithal and resources to enlist the aid of Johnnie Cochran, and was able to beat the charges.

Today, it is possible to be optimistic about Todd’s future. He has been sober for several years, and has made inroads to rebuilding his shattered career. Todd furthered his redemption in 2002 when he beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice on Fox’s vile Celebrity Boxing.

Todd’s Redemption Song Was The Sweet Stacatto Melody His Fists Played Across ‘Nilla’s Face.

Dana Plato/Kimberly Drummond: Dana Plato began to unravel a few years before the show took its final bow. When she became pregnant with her only child in 1984, the show’s producers wrote her out, bringing her back for a few appearances in the final season, including a very special episode about bulimia. Even before her dismissal, rumors had begun to swirl about possible drug use and difficulties on the set.

It was difficult for Dana to find work, although she found in Playboy a showcase for her newly augmented breasts in 1989. Sadly, her pre-Brazillian ‘spread’ may constitute the last high point in an existence which would drag on for another ten years. During this time she would endure a number of personal setbacks–the death of her adoptive mother, abandonment by her husband and losing custody of her son, as well as some legal hassles. The most embarrassing of these, a video-store robbery, culminated in a 911 caller exclaiming, “I’ve just been robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on Diff’rent Strokes!”

Dana Felt Deceived When She Found That Her Criminal Record, Despite Happening In Las Vegas, Would Not In Fact Stay There.

Dana tried to revive her acting career, appearing in soft-core films and even claiming (although she would later recant) to be a lesbian. Dana died alone in a Winnebago on Mother’s Day 1999, parked outside her boyfriend’s mom’s house in Moore, Oklahoma. Almost eleven years later to the day, her son Tyler would kill himself, a second-generation victim of the curse.

Settle Down Now. If A Dead Girl’s Ass Makes This NSFW, Then Your Boss Needs To Learn To Live A Little. That’s All We’re Saying.

Gary Coleman/Arnold Jackson: Gary Coleman’s recent death is still fresh in the public’s mind. But the pitiably pint-sized punchline endured much in the twenty-four years between his untimely death and the cancellation of Diff’rent Strokes, and given the heights he once reached, his must have been the most dizzying fall.

Hello?!? It’s 2011; We Don’t Call Them That Any More. The Album Should Be Titled: “The Indian And The Cultural Folk Hero.”

Gary had always had health problems, which along with his medication, contributed to his runtiness. Then there were the legal troubles with his parents, whom Gary sued for misappropriation of his millions. Gary was profligate with money himself, indulging his habit for model trains. Sadly, the tiny has-been never thought to invest his resources into finding a cure for his virginity, which persisted throughout his life.

“Come On, Touch It. Just A Little Touch. Come On, Now–Slap It A Little.” Gary Had Trouble With The Ladies.

Whether it was as a money-lending pitchman, ‘Where Are They Now?’ TV cameo or as viral video laughingstock, Gary always found a way to entertain us. It seemed that Gary had finally found love in the form of confirmed cooze Shannon Price. Some experts have claimed that Price was the human personification of the Diff’rent Strokes Curse, or at the very least its dark avatar. Gary gave her his heart and in return she fiddled while he died, and in what is the greatest indignity of all, never in their several months of matrimony bestowed her marital favors on the virginal troll.

Conrad Bain/Phillip Drummond: A number of theories abound as to why Conrad Bain, who along with Coleman and Bridges was with the show for its entire run, has been allowed to live for almost 88 years. Popular explanations for this seeming immunity range from the plausible (“Bain’s Canadianness somehow inures him from the effects of the curse”) to the frankly ridiculous (“The cast members of Diff’rent Strokes aren’t the victims of a hex at all, but rather the twin factors of stardom at an early age and coincidence). Conrad attributes his longevity to nothing more than pure luck, clean thoughts and a half-pint of his own urine every morning.

This Gang Has A Bright Future.

Danny Cooksey/Sam McKinney: Whether Danny Cooksey is subject to the curse is a matter of some controversy among Diff’rent Strokes academicians, as the delightful, country-singing moppet only appeared in three seasons after Coleman’s cuteness began rapidly to wane. However, considering that those three seasons comprised the show’s pitiful last gasp and that Cooksey was at least partly to blame for the show’s demise, as the introduction of his character marked the veteran show’s “jump the shark” moment, many feel that Cooksey’s continuing existence is an affront to God Almighty. Since then, the sassy ginger is best remembered for being shoved into a video game by Bad Terminator in Terminator 2.

Danny Cooksey And His Awesome Band ‘Bad4Good.’ Or As We Like To Call Them, Tötyl Hömö.

Housekeepers: Likewise, the show’s three regular housekeepers, perhaps because none served more than four seasons, also appear to be free of the curse’s effects.

Charlotte Rae, who appeared through the first season as Mrs. Garrett, was miraculously allowed to escape via spinoff.

Nedra Volz, who played the antiquated Adelaide Brubaker, lasted a few seasons. Her career never suffered, and she died in 2003, well into her ninth decade.

Mary Jo Catlett was the last actress to play housekeeper to the Drummonds. Like Sam McKinney, her tenure included the series’ sputtering demise. However, as she was replacing an existing supporting character while McKinney was a new and unpleasant major character, the comparison is not valid. Catlett has enjoyed a steady, if unremarkable career.

“Killing Willis?” That’s A Bit Extreme. We’d Just Like To Kick Him In The Nuts A Few Times.

THE CURSE IN REVERSE!

Melanie Watson/Kathy Gordon: Melanie Watson is best remembered for portraying the wheelchair-bound Kathy in several episodes. In one notable appearance, Kathy denies that she is handicapped, and insists instead, “I’m handi-CAPABLE, turkey!” Melanie, who suffers from a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta, seems to have carved out a nice life for herself, even starting a company to train helper dogs.

So They’re Not ALL Losers, Turkey!

It would appear that the Diff’rent Strokes Curse has run its course. There will be those desperate few who hold out hope that the curse continue, perhaps branching out to claim performers with a more tenuous tie to the series than had “the big three.” But wishing fervently for a thing will not make it come to pass. The grim specter of death has lifted its pitiless hand from those involved with Diff’rent Strokes, and we will have to learn to live with it.

What Might Have Been: So Many Missed Opportunities, Gary. So Many Missed Opportunities.

Everybody’s got a special kind of story/Everybody finds a way to shine,/It don’t matter that you got not a lot/So what?/They’ll have theirs, you’ll have yours and I’ll have mine/And together we’ll be fine.

By Tardsie

Classic Promethean Times–You Love It!

You so lucky!

Smaktakula is staring down the barrel of a loaded deadline, finishing a project which sadly, draws him from his Promethean Times’ duties. As we speak the gifted writer is ensconced–as he has been for the better part of four days now–in his ‘thinking place,’ the filthy crawl space between the outside of his office and the back fence. He says that there, among the cinderblocks and empty paint cans, is the one place he truly feels free.

While an observer from those less cosmopolitan echelons of society (i.e., rubes, yokels, boobs and other halfwits) might perceive Smaktakula’s posture as fetal, this is actually a form of yoga. Smaktakula is focusing his chi by performing the ‘supplicant dog.’

This same cretinous fellow, upon hearing Smaktakula’s vigorous breathing exercises might confuse them for the wracking sobs of a man who understands too late that the fox he has captured is in reality a dragon and now can only wait for the sweet release that will prove his ruin when after tiring of him, the beast devours him whole.

It’s laughable, I know–but people get funny ideas in their heads.

And no, he is not sucking his goddamn thumb! He’s chewing on it! It helps him think. Geez…

Anyway, the upshot of this is that for this week, in addition to one or possibly two new pieces, we’ll be reposting a number of “classic PT” pieces that you probably haven’t seen, but are sure to love. But we really don’t care if you do or not.

You Know We Really Do Care. But Regardless Of What You Tell Everybody, You Like Us Better When We’re A Little Mean.