Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day Can Suck a Fat One, or "I Can't Love You If You Beat Me"

DISCLAIMER: Ok. I've been stuck working in Las Vegas for what's coming up on 7 days now, and I'm officially over it, so please take anything I say tonight completely seriously.

I will never like Valentine's Day.

There, I said it.

What, you don't believe me? You think that someday God is going to show up to his local Wal-Mart, pick up a copy of Chicken Soup for the Soul, read it cover to cover and then decide to make my heart-of-stone his community service project? You think I'm going to fall totally in love with some guy and then forget about the last twenty-some-odd years of my life?

Fat fucking chance.

I can't think of a time that I haven't completely loathed Valentine's Day. Even in third grade it was a piece of shit disappointment. Try explaining the unfairness of the universe and the intangibility of emotional satisfaction in twenty words or less to the little girl who year after year got the "LET'S BE FRIENDS" candy hearts from the boy(s) she had crushes on in class.

Yeah. No one could. It sucked then, and what's even suckier is that it contrary to popular belief (or at least the asshats I've been talking to) it doesn't get any better.

To think that a sane person could somehow start loving Valentine's Day simply because they've found romantic fulfillment (or at least consistent sex with someone who knows their date of birth and/or last name), is as off-base as thinking that the woman who struggled through cancer would make it to remission... only to celebrate Cancer Day. Or that the child who grew up in an abusive household could forget about how shitty his parents were because they got smart and gave up the drugs and the yelling or whatever....only to celebrate Shitty Parents' Day.

It's just retarded, and you shouldn't think it.

The same is true with Valentine's Day. I'm hereby declaring it impossible for a normal human being to love something that caused them years of pain. I refuse to pretend otherwise, and I apologize in advance to the man I will someday love...

Honey, if you're reading this, I promise to never do anything special for you on Valentine's Day.

I will, however, do everything in my power to make you happy, to take care of you, to protect your feelings, to fulfill your sexual desires, and to love you recklessly until I die.