How To Improve Coping Skills

Psychologists have found that we can all learn how to improve our coping skills and be more resilient.

Ten ways to build the resilience to deal with whatever life throws at you.

1. Problem solve

Try problem-solving. Work out what you need to do now to get over what’s happened to you.

Talk to people and think about taking practical steps, such as finding a support group. Sympathy feels good, and sometimes it’s tempting to be a victim and tell people how bad your troubles are, but problem-solving will be more constructive in the long run.

2. Keep calm

Try to regulate your emotions, for example by staying calm, rather than reacting violently with tears, anger or fear. Learn how to keep yourself physically calm and you will be better equipped to cope.

Keep your breathing relaxed and deep to help control anxiety. When we feel anxious, our breathing often becomes quick and shallow. Inhale through your nose and breathe deeply into and out of your belly (not your chest).

Maintain a positive attitude when times are tough by visualising or thinking about something relaxing. Take a few moments to imagine a favourite place, floating in the sea or lying in bed, and you’ll switch into a calmer physical state.

3. Remember, it's your life

Don’t feel that bad events or a dreadful childhood should lead to a life of problems. Many people survive troubled families. The majority of adult children of alcoholics do not repeat their parents' drinking patterns, and the same is true of adults who have survived families troubled by mental illness, chronic marital problems, racial discrimination and poverty.

Some children naturally rebound from knock-backs with their self-esteem intact. If you need help doing this now you’re an adult, talking to a therapist can help.

4. Be proud of surviving

Something bad happened, but you survived. Look back and try to find things about what you did or how you responded that you can be proud of. Find your strengths and build self-esteem from them.

5. Develop insight

What happened? How did it affect you? Why did other people behave the way they did? How do you feel about it? What other factors contributed to what happened? People who ask themselves penetrating questions and give honest answers tend to bounce back quicker.

6. Use humour

See the funny side and you’ll cope with the situation better. Jokes have a way of making worries shrivel up and die. A good sense of humour is a great inner strength.

7. Be realistic, not dramatic

Another strategy which can help is to write down the worst possible result on one side of a piece of paper, and the best possible result on the other. The worst result of losing a job, for instance, might be, "I’ll be unemployed for the rest of my life." The best might be, "My next job will make me a millionaire." It’s common to focus on the worst possibility, but the best possibility may be equally likely.

End by writing down in the middle of the paper the real likely future: "I’ll look for another job. It may take a while, but in the end I’ll find something I’m happy with."

8. Get support

Resilient people tend to have strong family support systems and they seek and receive help from others when they need it (a teacher, a neighbour, the parents of peers or a spouse). Don’t be ashamed to talk about your problems and get help.

9. Don't look for blame

Some people make the mistake of blaming themselves and thinking that what has gone wrong was entirely their fault. They then feel guilty and worthless and give up on things.

Other people make the mistake of blaming everything that goes wrong on somebody else. This makes them feel out of control, angry and unable to take charge of their own lives.

Resilient people don’t blame themselves for everything that goes wrong, or blame everyone else. They take responsibility for their own part in it.

If you're blaming yourself, ask "How did other people contribute to this problem?” When you’re blaming others, think "How did I contribute to the problem?” This can help you see your situation more realistically.

10. Do something

Resilience grows by making something worthwhile out of painful times. Starting a support group to help others, or making something creative out of bad experiences such as writing down what has happened can help you express pain and get through hard times. Painting or singing are also creative alternatives of expression.

The site was created to give the public information to help them understand mental health and addiction issues and to assist people in making better informed decisions about their life and personal choices.

www.haveigotaproblem.com was created and is run by 'Advising Communities’, which is a UK registered charity (Charity No. 1061055)

"I am constantly working or trying to maintain the status of my 'body shield' and interacting on the Internet helps with that...most of the time. But when my hull gets hit, I need to ground myself to refuel or just gain some emotional silence."

Asadora

"A coping technique I used was exposure therapy. I would put myself in stressful situations (out in public with a lot of people) for a limited amount of time and gradually built on that and stayed out longer and longer."

Liam

"Make a list of stuff you need to do, decide which order they go in and do them one by one. I found this really useful. Massive tasks are never as bad if you break them into smaller tasks."

Peter

"Do not fall into depression again as its perhaps one of the most demotivating states you could ever be in, think positive and keep on track."

Robbie

"Find some time to relax and clear your head, which will also help you feel less anxious."

Emily

"If you feel really bad, I got told to take deep breaths. Breathe in for 10secs, hold for 10secs and breathe out for 10secs. It really helps."

Jenny

"What made a difference for me was getting cognitive behaviour therapy and medication so that I could break the fear and anxiety that was holding me back and affecting my outlook."

Anonymous

"I can accept a hug now. Before there was always some kind of motive. Here it comes without a price."

Kathirena

"I was a teenager who wore black, slept a lot and cried often. I had no idea that these symptoms can signal serious depression."

Andrew

"I was lucky. If I’d turned to drugs or alcohol as a way to solve my problems, I might have been another teenage drug addict or alcoholic, and never have gotten the help I needed."

Andrew

"I watched a beautiful baby boy grow from a sweet innocent bundle of joy to a mischievous little boy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that one day a horrible disease would strike this child and turn him in to a monster."

Allie

"I will continue my fight for my child, I will swallow the pain and turn him in, see him in jail if that’s what it takes. I just do not want to bury my child."

Allie

"I thought that when she got treatment our problems would be solved. Little did I know that we were just beginning the most intense journey of our lives. "

Marge

"I began to nurture my own faith that something bigger than my maternal love was going to hold her together. It was up to her to respond to recovery…or not."

Marge

"As horrible as I felt, I knew other kids would go through this stuff too, and maybe my story could help them."

Chase

"Time heals all wounds. After the initial emotions set in and you begin to deal with them, they become easier to manage."

Donna

"I was flattered when he wanted to be with me all the time. I felt so special when he told me he couldn’t live without me. Now, I see how possessive he is."

Anonymous woman

"When he called me many times a day, I felt like he was the most loving person, caring not only about me but also about who I was with and what I was doing. Now, I see how jealous he is. He didn’t trust me unless he knew where I was every moment of every d"

Anonymous woman

"He seemed so knowledgeable, so worldly. I liked that he was teaching me so much. Now, I see that he needs to give me “advice” about everything because he wants me to do things his way."

Anonymous woman

"What kind of love is this where she is miserable most of the time – crying about how he treats her, afraid of being criticized for what she did or didn't do?"

Dr Linda Sapadin

"You feel you cannot live without this person. You need him to feel complete. Though you no longer feel good about yourself like you did when you were “infatuated with him,” you, nevertheless, feel you can’t leave him."

Dr Linda Sapadin

"It can be hard to accept your daughter is pregnant, let alone be happy about it. You might find yourself crying your heart out over this, and looking for reasons why you failed to stop it from happening"

Dr Roger Papadopoulous

"Dealing with our daughter’s addiction was by far the most difficult and the most painful thing we have had to navigate together as a couple."

Shelley

"Neither one of us could believe that one of our kids, to whom we had devoted our adult lives, would have, or could have, headed off in this direction. We lived in denial for a long time."

Shelley

"e gentle with each other. Know that we each are doing the best we can in a really difficult situation."

Shelley

"Then we snap out of our dream and see our child addicted to a drug and wonder if the future is even possible. We mourn the loss of our dream"

Brian

"These dreams were ours. That is why the pain is so great. We feel our dream slipping away. It’s such a shame we have imposed our dream upon our child and we see their addiction as a failure to achieve our dream."

Brian

"My hopes and dreams now are that I can be a better father, and that I will be regarded by some little ones as the best grandpa in the world."

Brian

"When another person is the one who has “the problem,” and you are the one lifting every stone to find the solution to his or her problem, you cannot and will not find it."

Pamela

"All is far from hopeless, however. You can and you must find answers to your own problem."

Pamela

"There is a way out. Whatever first step you decide upon, take it today. You will not regret it."

Pamela

"I believe some of us are more determined to stay, some of us more likely to withdraw and that it isn’t necessarily the degree of strife that makes the difference"

Gina Sangster

"Every now and then we may find ourselves in a relationship that has just run its course."

Donna

"Frank can’t stand to be seen as responsible for any failure. When he makes a mistake, his mantra is “I may be wrong but you are wrong-er.”"

Marie Hartwell-Walker

"Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends"

Jane

"During a very dark time a friend told me, “Where there is life, there is hope.” I don’t know if he knew how profound those words were to me."

Harriet

"Dealing with the pain and heart break is never easy. We just have to live the days as they are set out and not live in the past."

Albert

"Life isn't always the way it's suppose to be, it's just the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference."

Anonymous

"When in doubt just take the next small step."

Anonymous

"Be someone that brings out the best in you not the stress in you…"

Louis

"The most effective way to cope with change is to help create it."

Laura

"Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person."

Henry

"Some things are not problems to be solved, they are facts to be coped with."

Jasmine

"Not everything that is faced can be changed but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

Julia

"Just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need them back in your life. Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on."

Tips & Hints

Set Expectations

Setting expectations are a great way to ensure that a briefing runs smoothly without constant interruptions. Stating expectations at th...

Setting expectations are a great way to ensure that a briefing runs smoothly without constant interruptions. Stating expectations at the start of your team brief will help you to manage the process more effectively. For example, expectations may be set around the length of time the team brief will take, how and when questions will be taken, and when attention will be required.

Be resourceful

Never give up or give in when faced with a challenge. Find out as much information as you can about your situation, whether that means ...

Never give up or give in when faced with a challenge. Find out as much information as you can about your situation, whether that means talking to someone who has been through it or looking it up in the yellow pages or on the internet to find resources that will help you get through the situation.

Have a good support system

A support system can consist of friends or family or simply a group of people that are going through the same difficult situation. Reme...

A support system can consist of friends or family or simply a group of people that are going through the same difficult situation. Remember to surround yourself with love and love yourself no matter what situation occurs.

Handle your emotions

In any and every situation that you encounter you will have emotional responses. Sometimes you may feel emotions such as hurt, sad, dis...

In any and every situation that you encounter you will have emotional responses. Sometimes you may feel emotions such as hurt, sad, disappointment, anger, frustration, shame or loneliness. You need to let yourself feel the emotions. Cry when you need to cry. Punch a pillow, yell, scream, roll around on the floor and have a temper tantrum. Let the emotions pass through you like a current and move on.

Have a sense of humor

Learn to laugh at your situation or mistakes no matter how bad they are. Laughter is like medicine and sometimes it can be contagious. ...

Learn to laugh at your situation or mistakes no matter how bad they are. Laughter is like medicine and sometimes it can be contagious. Write a journal and record your feelings. Find a peaceful outlet such as a long walk, taking deep breaths, listening to your favorite music or watching a good movie.

A Different Treatment?

If you are experiencing distressing side effects, ask your doctor or therapist whether a different treatment would be suitable for you....

If you are experiencing distressing side effects, ask your doctor or therapist whether a different treatment would be suitable for you. Don’t be afraid of telling your doctor or therapist about the side effects that you are experiencing. That’s the only way to know if your prescribed medication is helping you to go through your addiction or mental illness.

Feeling totally burned out? Retreat in solitude for a while

Take a bath, hide out in your bedroom and watch movies or read books or magazines, or go by yourself to your favorite place in nature. ...

Take a bath, hide out in your bedroom and watch movies or read books or magazines, or go by yourself to your favorite place in nature. If you can, get out of town for a weekend. The distance will recharge your batteries.

Learn to say

Face your difficulties

Problems have a tendency to mount quickly, until there can seem so many as to be overwhelming. Tackle them one at a time. Set achievabl...

Problems have a tendency to mount quickly, until there can seem so many as to be overwhelming. Tackle them one at a time. Set achievable goals. Your day will seem appreciably lighter after even one dreaded task is tackled.

Call an old friend

Often, speaking to an old friend can be just what the doctor ordered. Chances are you have a lot to catch up on, and this can provide a...

Often, speaking to an old friend can be just what the doctor ordered. Chances are you have a lot to catch up on, and this can provide a distraction from whatever you’re struggling with for an hour or two of an evening.

Allow yourself to be less than perfect

Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail...

Many depressed people are perfectionists, holding themselves to impossibly high standards and then beating themselves up when they fail to meet them. Battle this source of self-imposed stress by challenging your negative ways of thinking

Socialize with positive people

Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space...

Notice how people who always look on the bright side deal with challenges, even minor ones, like not being able to find a parking space. Then consider how you would react in the same situation. Even if you have to pretend, try to adopt their optimism and persistence in the face of difficulty.

SLEEP!

Aim for 8 hours a night, and in the morning, things won’t seem quite so unmanageable. Your body will also benefit greatly from sleepi...

Aim for 8 hours a night, and in the morning, things won’t seem quite so unmanageable. Your body will also benefit greatly from sleeping more and you will generally feel better, so you can deal with the situation you have in a more effective and positive way.

Turn to friends and family members

Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones c...

Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.

Face your feelings

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avo...

You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Look after your physical health

The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by get...

The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.

Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either

Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever...

Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.

Plan ahead for grief “triggers”

Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s c...

Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

Coping with separation/divorce

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these ...

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

Give yourself a break

Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as ...

Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.

Don’t go through problems alone

Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk...

Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

After a breakup

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet...

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization.