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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

30 Days of Thanks...Day 20

Day 20: I am thankful
that although I am depressed, it isn’t nearly as bad as it has been in years
past.

I have battled with depression for quite some time. Although society has come a long way, there
is still quite a bit of stigma among the African-American community as it
pertains to mental illness.

Growing up, I have heard some of my family members say
the following:

“Black folks get the blues; white folks get depressed.”

“Black don’t crack.”

“There’s no such thing as depression.”

“Depression is a white person’s disease.”

The list goes on, but those are the top four.

When you hear things like this, even if you are
exhibiting symptoms, you are hesitant to get help because of the stigma
associated with it. I could just write
off my symptoms as a bad case of the blues, but there’s a difference between
blues and depression.

Unfortunately, because of the messages of a black person,
particularly a black woman, having to be strong, even if she is cracking, she
can’t show it. She can’t let any other
person really know because of the fear she would be judged as weak. I have had moments when I suffer in silence
because there were messages ingrained in me not to break down. It’s like you don’t have permission to “not
deal.”

My major argument is if depression doesn't exist, then
why is there a whole segment of science as well as medication carved out for
depression? There was one person I dealt
with, and he asked me how I was feeling; I told him I was feeling depressed,
and he’s like, “There’s no such thing as depression. You’re just being very sad.” I feel like the attitude is somewhat
dismissive, and plus, he hasn't had to deal with bi-polar people. I've had to deal with three, and they are a
handful whether they are on their medication or not on it.

I believe that depression is one of the diseases that go
un diagnosed by the African-American community due to the shame or
misconceptions. White people don’t have
depression on lock; it’s just you hear about their cases a lot more because
their community is more open to talking about it. They treat it like any other disease that
needs curing.

I've gone un medicated for quite a while now. It was suggested to me by someone at the
clinic that maybe I should attempt to get back on the medication. I did tell her that I do feel like therapy
would help me more than medicine, for I don’t like feeling muted. Some of the medication I've been on not only
muted waves of sadness but downplayed times when I was feeling joy. Plus, it was harder for me to write on the
medication. I understood where writers
were coming from—those who were diagnosed with mental illness—when they just didn't want to take the medication for it affected the vivacity in their
writing.

I have yet to find a really effective therapist. The one which I did like stopped taking the
insurance I was on back then, and I couldn't afford to pay for her out of
pocket. All the rest of them were
misses. So I would rather hold out until
that program returns to the clinic.

I can’t get caught up in the sorrow. I have to do things to keep myself active. Yes, I know sleep is important, but I feel
like I’m sleeping too much, even though I know the medication is causing part
of it. I also know that excessive sleep
is a sign that my depression is growing, and I’m trying to cut it off before it
gets a bit too overbearing.

I know that SOS is dealing with his things as well, so my
feeling like this couldn't have come at a worse time.

I admit I haven’t mastered how to communicate my feelings
of depression without him wanting to just fix it.

There’s no way he can really fix it, per se, unless he
magically comes into some extra money and is able to send me away to spend time
with some of my friends and family down South without me having to feel rushed
to come back and take care of things right away. Or unless I can find employment down South
and be closer to home, which is ultimately where I want to be. However, that will take him further away from
his mom, and with his (step) dad’s death still being fresh, I’m not sure it’s
even appropriate for me to even re-mention my yearnings for home.

I know I don’t want to move to another location where the
only person I know is the people someone else knows. Or if I’m in a location to be close to
someone I can easily get to…maybe in a couple of hours, not 14 hours.

I know he is in no position to fix it, but I want him to
at least be open to listening. I don’t
want him to feel worse because he cannot.
I just need him to accept that family bonding means a lot to me, and I’m
used to having family traditions. When I’m
not near my family during times when I usually can be, it does put a damper on
my mood. When I’m not able to recreate
the ambiance (to keep me from being moody or sad), it further adds to the depression.

I’m coming to terms that I’m depressed now. I’m taking the best steps I can so it won’t
get worse. For that progress, I’m
thankful.