she haunts my mind

Month: November 2016

You often see a lot of posts about anxiety. Specifically an anxiety which withdraws us from being able to cope/manage with things. But what about being overwhelmed by thoughts such as “you’re not good enough”, as you continuously strive for perfection, or “you’re not good at your job”, as you work 12 hours a day? The thoughts can be overwhelming as you try and get through the day…

I’ve always suffered with anxiety, but I also enjoy the adrenaline rush of being anxious before a performance, for example. However, I have bouts of anxiety wandering into town, into shops, alone, struggling to look up. I speak like a child when at the counter, and I approach anyone and anything cautiously as I’m paranoid I’m being watched, waiting for something to go wrong, for me to make a mistake…

Most recently, I have looked back on things realising that my anxiety comes in many other ways than shyness, feeling terrified, chest pains and childish voices, I also find myself being extremely talkative, have a smile on my face and act with such confidence, that it’s exhausting.

I have only recently noticed I do this after organising a craft fair event.

I’d planned the entire thing, from booking the venue, to arranging stall holders. I seem to be quite competent in organising such things, anything which has a deadline, I find myself being able to *just about* achieve. If there isn’t a deadline, I find myself slacking and struggle with motivation.

It’s weird to think of this new found “confidence” as an anxiety, I mean, could it just be that I’m confident in those situations? No. There were moments where I wanted to cry, I could feel myself getting stressed, but as time went on, I was getting more and more excited about the event being successful for everyone that it was as if I put all those negative feelings aside, and suddenly I was filled with a beaming confidence, like I was a “grown up”, and in control of the situation. Seriously though, if anything was to be a disaster, then I know I would lose it.

It’s not just this event though, the more I think about it, the more I think about how I am with phone calls, sometimes I can be confident, if I’m in the right headspace, and other times I can be really anxious and can’t even dial the number.

I want to say it’s like having a selection of masks or hats, and wearing one for the occasion. After all, we all have our work-hat, our home-hat, and so on.

Perhaps having anxiety works that way too, that the symptoms express themselves differently, depending on the situation you’re put in.

I’m sorry this is a rubbish post. I started writing in two weeks ago, and been distracted since.

Perhaps I can revisit this topic another time…

Speak soon!

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About Me

After therapy and finding my own voice, I am on the pathway to hopefully help and inspire others with mental health and chronic pain to find their voice and help break the stigma of living with these illnesses, as well as share my journey along the way.