An elderly man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

It was a few days before Christmas and Santa thought that he would go and check on the Reindeer.
2 of them had run away, 2 of them were pregnant and all the leather harnesses had been nibbled on by mice.
He went to check on the toy factory and most of the elves were absent without leave and those that were there had such bad hangovers that they were basically useless.
Feeling the need to fortify himself he went to his cupboard and reached in to bring out his jug of rum. The handle broke and the jug hit the floor and smashed.
At this precise moment there was a knocking on his door and he opened it to find a fairy holding a Christmas tree who said 'where would you like me to put this Christmas tree'?
This is why we have a fairy on top of the Christmas tree.