One thing I used to do when there were two national feds was randomly tape stuff that aired on their various shows. With theWWE being so depressing lately, I thought I'd watch this andjust ramble about what I see.

1. WOOHOO! I stick in the tape, and the first thing that greetsmy eyes is LA PARKA! Yeeha! These all from mid 1999, since thefirst thing the announcers are discussing is the JunkyardInvitational. He's against Spyder, in one of the few ever-aired featuring the former LWO bodyguard. The announcers hype EDDY vs. Blitzkrieg for later, so I hope that's on this tape. La Parka can do no wrong. He dances about 15 seconds in, so I'm happy. Spyder does very little, aside from a plancha to the floor. What was this guy's character in the land of lucha? Butthead Schiavone wasn't doing commentary, so we don't get to hear Parka's finisher called a flying body attack. Tenay's "twisting corkscrew" isn't much better though.

2. Yeeha! the Blitzkrieg vs Eddy match is on the tape. Eddy hasthe coolest "Fuck you too" walk ever. He is wearing his hairin an almost rat-tail, instead of his always cool mullet. Morechain wrestling than high spots in this before Eddy decideshe's going to be a total asshole and pound the hell out ofBlitz. Eddy's ruling it, and Tenay & Hudson talk about thefriggin' Insane Clown Posse and the equally idiotic Dennis Rodman.Nobody is better at showing totaldisdain for the fans that Eddy at this point. A few highspotsnear the end, and I decide I need to find the tape that hasBlitz's debut against Rey Jr (Feb 99) to get my fill of aspotfest. Ender is the brainbuster/frog splash combo. I really,really miss WCW Saturday Night, when they'd do a show in atown that would rarely if ever have the big 2 visit, and thecrowd would be jacked to see the undercard guys.

3. Alright. What the hell is Horace doing on this tape? OK.He'll get squashed by Booker T. The question I have,looking back, is "Did Booker T make a silk purse out of thissow's ear?" The answer is 'Nope'. It's still better thanthe feud with Big T, Stevie Ray and whatever moniker ClarenceMason was using.

4. A D-Lo Brown squash from Shotgun. The guy he's facing isDoug Basham, who I believe is yet another current WWE developmentalguy. It couldn't be based on this match, since Basham does aGaydaesque screw-up of a headscissors. Damn. Even in a jobbermatch Brown is getting mega-pops. The comical selling ofa top-rope rana is also getting Basham no brownie points fromthis corner. But D-Lo busting out a Texas Cloverleaf does.Sky-high. Low Down. FWIW, the colour commentator on this onewas Terry Taylor.

5. Another jobber match. Chaz is a kid from Jersey whosehaving fun in polka dot boxers and with Marianna as his(not yet smacked around) valet. This seems a peculiarchoice, but I then realize the squashee is Tracy Smothers.A cool spot sees Smothers on the apron, and Chaz springboardclothesline him to the outside. Marianna wasn't too badat taunting Tracy. Boy, that domestic violence angle surewas a career maker, no?

For some strange reason, I have the music video "Elvis is Everywhere" by Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper between these matches.

"Elvis is in your jeans!""Michael J. Fox has no Elvis in him""Elvis is in Joan Rivers! But he's trying to get out, man!""You know whats going on in that Bermuda Triangle? Down in the Bermuda Triangle? Elvis needs boats!""Why do you think they call it evolution anyway? It's reallyElvislution!"

6. Val Venis vs Joey Abs. This is from the Heat before FullyLoaded 1999. There's a "SABLE IS A SKANK" sign in thecrowd. I'm guessing she was on her way to direct-to-videocinema by this point, since there is no effort made notto show the sign. I love watching Val sell the DDT bymoving right to the top of his head. There's nowa "SABO SUCKS" sign. What did Buffalo have against theformer Cincinatti Red? Test arrives to take out Rodney& Pete Gas, while Val gets 3 with a BLUE THUNDER BOMB!

7. More WCW Saturday Night EDDY! Adrian Byrd gets squashed,but there's a graphic on my screen advertising a SevereThunderstorm warning, and the reception is fucked. BlurryEddy is better than perfect reception for a Bradshaw match.

8. Test squashes Lou Marconi. Marconi bumps better thananybody ever should for Test, who was in "I look like Kevin Nash" mode at this point.

9. Papi Chulo! Funaki! And the Hardy Boyz in a match whereJeff doesn't look someone who just lurched out of the $2.00 rave being held in the basement of the local church. What elsecould a guy ask for? Jeff tope con hilos Funaki about a minute in, and I'm loving every second of this. Then theyturn to the announcer's table, and thus remind me that thiswas during the Michael Hayes as the Hardyz manager phase. Sincethe folks at here, or somewhere else, were doing the hanky thing with Jeff recently, I'll point out that Papi is wearinga paisley bandana in the middle rear of his tights. Jeff doesthe swanton to no fanfare. Kevin Kelly tries to put overHayes as comparable to a demented tennis coach. Papi isthe tecnico in peril throughout. Sho, after the hot tag doesan inverted Splash Mountain. Planchas for both Hardyz fromEssaki. Jeff debuts the barricade run into a clothesline,and wins with a top-rope Roll of the Dice. Nothing morethan a spotfest, but funner than a game of Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence.

10. Jeff Jarrett vs. D-Lo Brown. Title for Title. It's fromRAW, so Lawler is in full puppy mode. Jeff goes for somecheap heat by walking out. Cripes. I forgot how bad JerryLawler used to be when it came to making comments aboutbreasts as opposed to the match. Every time I think."I'll turn off the mute", I'm greeted with Jerry makingpuppy jokes. So, of course Debra has to remove her jacketwhen the ref is down to show off her plastic surgeon'swork. Following a beltshot, in which D-Lo ignores Debra andbeltshots Jarrett for 3 and both belts. I also forgot howcreepy Debra looked even back then. When did she make the move from bitchy, whiny valet to half-melted wax museum statue anyhow?

11. Chris Benoit! DDP! It's from Nitro. The two trade Saliva(n. the band that played WMx18) shots ealy. Great cheapheat. I wouldn't call this a straight-forward match , but I wouldn't call this an all-out brawl either. It's a happymedium between the two. Benoit does the rolling suplexes,but stops between the two to try for a pin. A little somethingI'd like to see return to the repertoire. Urunage by DDP, againsomething I'm surprised to see as I look back. Benoit winsafter reversing a roll-up, and Post-matchTriad beatdown follows.

12. Vampiro and Psychosis from Worldwide. Worldwide was anotherfun show with Saturday Night randomness. Three minutes or so of lucha spots, combined with Tenay talking about how Vamp is the darling of wcw.com and WCW Live, complete withhyperbole about how people buy computers in order to hear whateverVamp has to say on WCW Live. Hopefully, those folks wererounded up by roaming death squads for the sake of the gene pool.Vampiro wins with the Spike.

13. Joey Abs vs. Johnny Paradise. Probably the only squash matchever won by any member of the Posse. Joey wins with a pumphandleslam to build the Posse/Shane vs. Test for the love of Stephy feud.

14. From RAW, it's a tag title match with the Acolytes takingon Kane & X-Pac. This from the 6-month period in 1999 when Kaneactually felt like working. I've always wondered how many peoplewith signs refering to past bad gimmicks of wrestlers were actually watching WWF at the time. Anyhow, it's OK, but memorablebecause the tag titles change hands, going to Kanepac from thefuture APA. Later on the show, the millennium countdown would end,but the rule I had about these tapes was "no Sports Entertainmentsegments", so that's elsewhere.

15. Little Jeannie vs. Mona. Jeannie demands that the refereeopen the ropes for her. I mark for the tear-away gown, andso should you. A nice mat segment from the women. It's weirdto hear the announcers put Mona over as beautiful consideringthe nonsense angle on RAW. Jeannie has more Lawler joke material atthis time anyhow.The crowd really seems into this, and Jeannie isincredible in bitch mode. But this quickly becomes a Monasquash, and she wins with a strange pinning combo that Idon't know the name of, mainly because I'm relying on Schiavoneto provide it.

Brandi Alexander runs in post-match. Three decent wrestlersto start off the women's division, and nothing came of it.OF course, we waited a couple months later and got Madusa withbarbecue sauce all over her vile, veiny hooters.

16. Chris Benoit beats David Flair to win the US Title. I can't imagine why we haven't seen David wrestle regularly on RAW.

17. Back to WCW SN. Harlem Heat vs. Disirderly Conduct. DC werethe 90's version of the Mulkeys, with the same number of victories (1, DC's coming against the Armstrongs) and withoutany of the lovable loserness. At least the right brother cameout of HH with the push.

18. Key, Droz, & Prince Albert vs. Cody Hawk, Brett Keene &Anthony McMurtry. Hey! It's Key's only WWF match. He hada strange look on his face constantly, and a running invertedsplash mountain as his finisher. Terry Taylor puts themove over, but Key was never seen again after this. I'msurprised that nobody has ripped of that move in WWE-land.

19. A Steve Blackman squash. That seems to be a suitable wayto end this trip to the not distant past.

"'Cause life is like a mop, and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff. Well, you, you gotta clean it out! You gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad that a mop is not good enough, a mop isn't good enough. You gotta get down there with a, with a toothbrush ya know! You gotta scrub, you gotta get it all off, you gotta really try to get it all off. And if that doesn't work, you can't give up! You gotta stand right up, run to the window and say: "Hey! The floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore!!" - Stanley Spadowski

As much of a bad-ass heel as today's Eddie Guerrero is, he was much more so in WCW. His character was a real asshole, a guy whom everybody wanted to see lose. LOL...

Benoit winning the U.S. Title from David Flair is still one of my personal favorite mark-out moments. Say what you want to about how horrible Flair was in the ring at the time (and he was horrible), but his U.S. Title reign built up a lot of heat because he was the cocky kid who kept getting cheap victories over fan-favorites. When Benoit finally beat him, I was exultant.

“And each and every one of you, when you see me, you will not put your eyes directly on me-- you will look to the ground and you will refer to me as 'Lord Master.'”

Just a rumor, but I heard Blitzkrieg is now a computer programmer. Given the choice between being an overworked, underpushed cruiserweight who'll never get his due respect and a computer nerd, I'd go the same route.

"All born equal unless you're CanadianThen halfway through decay like UraniumYou define what's death-defyingGet the most out of life or at the least die tryingAre you Evil Knievel jumping a train?Or running with scissors like Frasier Crane?Have really good times doing really bad things‘Cause the show ain't over ‘til the fat lady singsLike Elton John with his candle in the windIt's hard to blow out a flame as big as himBut we've all got to Wang Chung with the Grim ReaperWhether you're Einstein whether you're BeakerDeath is certain so it's definitely worth flirtin'Don't expect a bright light no just curtainsLife is like a penis most people don't know itBut most people suck so they usually blow it"

I think I'll watch my old WWF PPV tapes next week, just because I can. I'll definately watch the last three Royal Rumbles...No Way Out (swank Cell Match) and WrestleMania, just because I can. Just because the current product blows, doesn't make the past any less cool.

Blitzkrieg has chronic problems in his wrists, and makes more money as a programmer than as a wrestler. He considered making a comeback in the company he started with (Revolution Pro in California), but his wrist wouldn't hold up. He cut a promo instead. Later that evening I saw him unmasked, which was bizarre. If you wanna see his promo, it's on the Revolution Pro "Brutality" tape, which has a great Super Dragon-v-Excalibur match on it, I believe (I can't remember if that was the proper main, but all the main events for RevPro in April 2001 were phenomenal)

I've got shit loads of tapes because a few years ago i decided to start taping shows. i now feel like randomly digging into the bin and watching one. hell, most of them aren't even labeled. I'll watch one today and let you know what i found.