Peruse

The Service

Look at that lightning! Ain’t that the best lightning you ever seen in your life! With realistic sound effects and everything! Doesn’t even need a cloud! Man. The meteorologists outdid themselves with this one.

Speaking of expertise, I should note that the man depicted is well trained in self-exhumation, and that he makes it look a lot easier than it is. That said, if you want to get on his level, you’re gonna want to start training right now. Preferably yesterday. Don’t worry, I can be your coach, I’ve done this dozens of times. Look, I brought a shovel. What? Never mind the red spots. That’s clearly strawberry jam, how could you confuse it for anything else. Yeah, I have huge pieces of bread for my toast, okay? It’s all they sell at CostCo nowadays. The shovel is necessary. I use a surfboard for a spreading knife now. This is a dark, over sized age.

Now, if you exhume yourself by Friday, we’ll take it up a notch. See you then.