A Tribute to The Fabulous Shirelles: Oedipus Ram, Act Nine

Stuffed AnimalTHE PLAYERS:Donna Dante, the wifeChaiwat Bunyasam, the sound engineerQuincy Zen, the record producerCoco Hoyas, the associate producerRadni Luck, the TV directorAvis Poindexter, the fanRikki Ninja, the arrangerSonny Yin-Bao, the compilation producerHilo Herbie, the college buddyPuddy Tat Tambo, the other college buddyThe White Ladyand the starRamsay Khalid Sharma

ACT NINE:

SHAME

SYNOPSIS:

Ramsay Khalid Sharma, an Asian Pop superstar of the 2060s, has fallen far from the heights of fame: Addicted to drugs, the actor/singer has made himself a pariah, both on movie sets and in the recording studio. Having alienated his friends and become estranged from his wife, Ram fills the void with cocaine and designer drugs. Dude contracts HIV while whoring for crack and unwittingly infects his mistress; yet he recklessly continues to sell his body. One terrible night, he steals money from a drunk john he picks up in Paris. Rifling the man's wallet, he's horrified to discover that he's just had sex with his own father! Ram and Saddam Sharma had not communicated for decades; with both of their minds muddled by addiction, father and son tragically failed to recognize each other. Subsequently, Ram enters a prolonged dark period he may never emerge from.

Ramsay Khalid Sharma won't remember much of what he does from the years 2077 to 2079. His friends won't know anything about him, either; he seems to drop off the face of the earth! When his child support payments stop coming, Hillary Joon can’t find him. He doesn't answer phone calls, and his social media connections go silent. Not even his wife knows where he is. During this period, the Rad Asian Manchild is feared dead; for that reason and others, his name is on many lips in the late 2070s.

Santi Music SMX-4589

Gimme Some Lovin’ (Davis, Winwood) w/Ram

There But For The Grace Of God (Darnell, Nance)

The Jam Was Movin' (Edwards, Rodgers)My Jamaican Guy (Grace Jones)

Gimme Some Lovin’

Scramble

A QZ Production

Produced by Quincy Zen

Remixed by Xerxes

released worldwide

In 2078, three years after it was recorded, Santi Music USA releases “Gimme Some Lovin’.” It becomes the biggest international dance hit of the summer! Then in late summer, a daring new reality show debuts: “BDSM Playhouse” combines the familiar dating game format with bondage and discipline scenarios. Wildly popular, it uses Ram’s version of “Hurt So Bad” as its theme song. That autumn, three major Bollywood movies, Raga Rock Star, Rice Paper Confessions and My Yogi Is A Zombie feature his club mixes on their soundtracks.

For the holiday season, Netflix India releases his first two films, Love Is A Hurtin’ Thing and The Sins Of Sanjay Singh; they become Top Ten movie downloads. In the spring of 2079, Bangalore rapper Kid Shiva creates a hit rhyme about Ram called “Me So Sharma!” As it climbs the charts, Japanese Rolling Stone publishes a feature article: Ramuzei Wa Dokudesu Ka (Where Is Ram)?

The Rad Asian Manchild finally resurfaces mid-year. It takes Archiemania to draw him out of his self-imposed exile! Tributes to The Archies are held around the world all during the 2070s; one of the biggest events on the Asian continent is held in Singapore. Former New Archies member Donna Dante is among the stars invited to perform. She won’t have sung in public for a good many years, but her hard-rocking rendition of “Hold On, Baby” shows that she’s lost none of her fire! As wild applause fills Shine Auditorium, the master of ceremonies runs out on stage. “We have a surprise special guest,” he announces breathlessly. “Ramsay Khalid Sharma!”

When her estranged husband makes his entrance, Dody is shocked @ his appearance: So thin and feeble, he’s all but unrecognizable! "Can that really be him?” she gasps. "He's like a shadow of himself!" Ram isn’t the same kind of performer he used to be, either: Dude barely makes it through a near-incoherent rendition of “Glitter And Gold”. But the crowd seems not to notice; they raise the rafters with ear-splitting clamor for their reclusive Asian icon!

Much to Dody's annoyance, the MC requests a husband-and-wife duet for the finale. She ends up doing most of the singing as they struggle through “Who’s Your Baby?” By the end of the song, she’s all but physically holding Ram upright. He doesn’t seem to recognize her; but once backstage, familiarity dawns in his haggard eyes. Dude musters a weak smile. “Dody,” he stammers, then collapses in exhaustion. With his skeletal body sprawled across her lap, Donna Dante starts screaming: “Bang bang wo! Help me, somebody!Call an ambulance!”

Two days later, Ram is back in Mumbai, laying near death @ Prince Aly Khan Hospital. Failing to adhere to his medication regime means his immune system will have all but shut down; self-medicating with cocaine, his drug of choice, naturally leads to disaster! The former Bollywood Balladeer is suffering from full-blown AIDS now. His beloved Dody sits @ his bedside.

@ her gentle but insistent prodding, Ram tells all he can remember about his life since they last saw each other. Tears spill from Dody’s eyes when he describes selling his body for crack! "I tricked with more men than women," he admits. "Time and again, I'd be on my knees in a dark alley, pressed up against a crack den wall, or face-down on some filthy mattress. I did anything and everything to feed that g*ddamn habit!" Although he omits that tragic night in Paris with his father, she can sense a deeper tragedy. “Don’t touch me,” he warns her. “I’m dirty, Dody! So filthy with shame and sin and disease that I’ll never be clean again.”

In response, she recites her wedding vows: I, Donna, take you, Ramsay, to be my lawfully-wedded husband; to have and to hold, from this day forward; for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death us do part. Babe wraps her arms around him, and he silently begins to sob. She rocks Ram like a baby until he finally falls asleep . . .

The director of Donna Dante Actor's Academy decides to retire. Dody needs free time to nurse her man back to health! Under his wife's constant care, Ram crawls back from the brink of death. With support from his extended family (including Hillary Joon and little Geoff, who visit frequently with Dody’s approval), he gets stronger.

Ram starts taking his antiviral medications as prescribed, and even seems to kick his cocaine habit. He also recommits himself to the Sikh faith, attending gurdwara regularly. “AIDS kicked my ass, but now I’m kicking back!” he laughs. Dude even talks about recording again.

Donna Dante informs producer Chaiwat Bunyasam, who floats the idea of a new Ram club mix. “Santi Music wants me to compile a whole album of them,” the elderly Thai reveals. “Some new tracks would make it an even more enticing package!” Ram is game, so they book a session @ Rajah Studios; but both Dody and Chaiwat are dismayed by his song choices.

Dude insists on covering Girl Group oldies, which isn’t a total surprise; after all, singing "girl songs" made him a star. However, the selections are all wrong for him: Neither The Chordettes’ “Lollipop”, The Poni-Tails’ “Born Too Late”, Rosie + The Originals’ “Angel Baby” nor The McGuire Sisters’ “Sugartime” fit his singing voice. That battered instrument now sounds like a laryngitis-stricken cross between Neil Diamond and Tom Waits!

Chaiwat is horrified by Ram’s croaking attempt @ recording “Sugartime”, so much so that he erases the tape (by mistake, he’ll later claim). “The Ram I remember would never cut these kinds of songs,” he thinks. “Something is affecting his judgment!” He suspects that “something” may be cocaine, and he’s right. Proof that his old friend is still romancing The White Lady comes one day when the singer makes him a shocking offer. "Do you have any blow?" he rasps. "I'll trade you a blowjob for a hit!" It's a wretched memory that Chaiwat will take to his grave.

Stuck for a fourth EP track, and needing something commercial, the producer combs Santi Music's sound archives. He sifts through outtakes from the 2069 Goin’ Places!!! album and settles on one: “Gonna Get Along Without You Now!” Recorded @ the same session as “Dody”, it will have also been a candidate for single release. Donna Dante affirms his choice: “That sh*t is straight dope!” The song itself dates back to the early 1950s, with Teresa Brewer cutting the original version. Dody directs Chaiwat to mix the track very close to the sound of a 1964 remake by Tracey Dey. "I love that Bob Crewe production," she says. "In fact, I nearly cut my own version! I remember rehearsing it @ the studio date where Ram and I first met."

Sentimental value aside, Ram does not love “Gonna Get Along Without You Now!” His old volatility rears its head: "That track is dog sh*t! Why the f*ck do you think I left it on the shelf?" Royally p*ssed @ the omission of “Sugartime”, he tries to block the outtake’s release. Santi Music executives are having none of it:They know a hit record when they hear one! The foot-stomper of a dance track breaks for a solid smash, topping charts in Japan, India, Indonesia, Korea, Malaysia and Burma! The other three Girlpop remakes don’t even rate half a turntable spin.

Santi Music SMX-5000

Lollypop (Dixon, Ross)

Angel Baby (David Ponci)

Born Too Late (Strouse, Tobias)

Gonna Get Along Without You Now! (Milton Kellem)

Lollypop

Ram Salutes the Girlpop Sound

RamClub Mix XIVProduced by Chaiwat

released in Asia

The Rad Asian Manchild films a Scopie video for “Lollipop”, the song he thinks has the most hit potential. When he’s proven wrong, dude petulantly refuses to do the same for “Gonna Get Along Without You Now!” Santi Music removes “Lollipop” from the Scopie soundtrack and synchs up the video with the hit song. Although the edit is clumsy, few notice the incongruity of images with music; in fact, the footage of Ram suggestively tonguing a candy stick makes it highly popular with his Gay fans!

All the same, dude is furious. The video is a f*cking mess; he hates the new record; he's still seething over the delayed release of "Gimme Some Lovin'; and he's nursing a major grudge over the cold shoulder Santi executives gave him back in 2072. When their successors offer him a new album deal, Ram turns it down in no uncertain terms: "Go f*ck yourselves with a chainsaw!"

Santi Music SM-1-79839

I Can’t Let Go! (Gorgoni, Taylor) w/Chutney Rose

Swearin’ To God (Crewe, Randell)*

Touch (Marlette, Shifrin)

Don’t Mean To Be A Preacher (Kaye, Trimachi)w/The Utah Symphony

Barbarella (Crewe, Fox)*

Last Chance To Turn Around (Bruno, Kahan, Millrose)

w/Chutney Rose

I Found Someone (Bolton, Mangold)

Everything Under The Sun (Crewe, Knight) w/Donna Dante

You’re Gonna Hurt Yourself (Crewe, Calello)*

That’ll Be The Day (Allison, Holly, Petty) w/The Carmines

I Won’t Tell (Crewe, Gaudio)*

California Shoeshine Boys (Laura Nyro) w/The Carmines

SM-2-79839

In The Middle Of Nowhere (Kaye, Verdi)

w/Chutney Rose

Try A Little Kindness (Austin, Sapaugh) w/The Carmines

Gloria (Bigazzi, Tozzi, Veitch)

Baby, The Rain Must Fall (Bernstein, Sheldon) w/Chutney Rose

Dody (Crewe, Gaudio)*

Gonna Get Along Without You Now! (Manny Kellem)*

Stoney End (Laura Nyro) w/The Carmines

Goin’ Places (Crewe, Linzer, Randell)*

María Elena (Tony Hazzard) w/The Utah Symphony

Different Drum (Michael Nesmith) w/Chutney Rose

Spanish Eddie (Cochran, Palmer)

Baby, You’re My Kind Of Woman (Foxx, Williams) w/Puppy Posse

Any Way That You Want Me (Chip Taylor) w/Chutney Rose

Ram Jamz

Dance Traxx

Ram

Arranged + Produced by

Ramsay Khalid Sharma

*Arranged by Ramsay Khalid Sharma

Produced by Chaiwat

Album Compiled by Chaiwat

Sound Produced by Faruk Muhammad

Remastered @ Rajah Studios, Mumbai

released in Asia

2079

Ram’s first hits compilation, 2069’s A Golden Shower, was only in print for a couple of years. By contrast, Ram Jamz will remain in his active catalog for decades; it will even be reissued by Vox Sound + Image (which buys up Santi Music in 2080). Save for a posthumous retrospective, it will be his all-time best-selling hits package.

Aside from the smash “Gonna Get Along Without You Now!”, collectors covet this double vinyl download for the inclusion of “California Shoeshine Boys”, a previously-unreleased Laura Nyro song from 2067, and such long-out-of-print club mixes as “Touch”, “Try A Little Kindness”, “Baby, The Rain Must Fall”, “Any Way That You Want Me” and “Stoney End”. Scramble's Funk Truong Dow despises Ram and threatens legal action if "Gimme Some Lovin'" is included on the album! The track is omitted; but after both men are deceased, new vinyl downloads will be edited to include their collaboration.

Sadly, Ram Jamz ends up being a last hurrah for Chaiwat: The respected producer dies of a massive heart attack just a few days after its release. The portly Thai won't ever touch hard drugs, but he’ll have a serious addiction to sex with rent boys! Trying to service five in a bed @ the ripe old age of 84 is what finally does him in. Ram sends a heartfelt video tribute to his funeral; dude is too grief-stricken to attend.

Chaiwat's death doesn't change Ram's opinion of "Gonna Get Along Without You Now!" He loathes and adamantly refuses to perform it. Privately, he also worries that fans won’t like the radically-altered sound of his live singing voice. In late 2079, the Bollywood Balladeer appears on several Indian talk shows; when asked to sing, he feigns laryngitis. Beyond that, he avoids any discussion of his health; rumors about his AIDS diagnosis will have begun surfacing in tabloid media.

During one of these talk show appearances, Ram's latent homophobia rears its ugly head again. Discussing his most popular film role, he angrily calls the director of Bonedaddy Beach "a fugly butch d*ke nobody got along with!" Gasps from the audience alert Ram to his thoughtless faux pas, and he quickly backtracks.

"My apologies to Brittany Howe," he tells the host. "Over the years I've developed a potty mouth, and I'm trying to break the habit! Britt deserves all the credit for Bonedaddy becoming a hit. She gets the best out of actors, including me! Sometimes I wasn't easy to work with, either; a man can be a b*tch, too, you know." The crowd erupts with laughter @ this candid admission; once more, Ram's formidable charm gets him out of trouble!

The Rad Asian Manchild still lacks a record deal. However, “Gonna Get Along Without You Now!” makes him a hot property; several labels are knocking @ his door. Also knocking is "Gimme Some Lovin'" producer Quincy Zen, keen to helm a comeback album for the first major star he worked with.

In August of 2080, QZ and his production assistant Coco Hoyas meet with The Sharmas to discuss possible album themes. They find Ram still focused on Girl Group covers. The four of them settle on a tribute to The Shirelles, the most popular femme act of the early 1960s. Ram only wants to sing their big hits, but Dody pushes him to delve deeper into their catalog.

“In the late ‘60s, The Shirelles started moving in a Northern Soul direction,” she notes. “That material fits you like a hand-in-glove.” Babe convinces him to cut floor-shakers like “Doomsday”, “Tonight, You’re Gonna Fall In Love With Me”, “Are You Still My Baby?” and “Look What You’ve Done To My Heart”. Dody is back in her old role as music supervisor, but this time she declines to take credit: Ram is still sensitive to accusations of being his wife’s puppet!

Quincy Zen calls on a younger generation of Asian rockers to accompany Ram on his new album. However, he’s careful to avoid the kind of studio brawls he had to endure during sessions for “Gimme Some Lovin’”! Jordi Hinojosa, Klutch and Bosslady never actually meet the singer; they’re all hundreds of miles away when they record their parts. The exception is Nantze Boyzz, a highly-respected studio group known to work well with temperamental artists. Ram loves their Old School Doo-Wop vocals, and the Boyzz end up contributing heavily to his musical arrangements.

Donna Dante lends a hand with arrangements, too, and duets with her husband on “Last-Minute Miracle”. @ his request, she invites their ex-bandmate Rikki Ninja to participate. Happily, the New-Archie-turned-Italian Pop star is available. "F*ck Skype!" Ninja declares. "I want us all in the studio together. I'll book a flight from Naples and be there day after tomorrow." The three old friends have a joyful reunion but waste no time getting down to business; Ninja can only stay for a couple of hours. His superior arranging skills, keyboard playing and tight vocal harmonies with Dody do wonders for the version of “Will You Love Me Tomorrow?” that they put on tape.

All of Ram’s vocals are tracked in Casablanca, Morocco; Quincy Zen will have built his own state-of-the-art, audio-visual recording complex there. More often than not, Coco Hoyas runs the tracking sessions. They stretch from the winter of 2080 into the late spring of 2081. Why such a lengthy booking? It's because dude cuts each of the fifteen songs one syllable at a time. It’s the only way he can approximate his erstwhile pitch-perfect baritone without resorting to AutoTune technology. “I’ve got to sound exactly like I did in 2066” becomes his mantra. “I can't disappoint my fans!”

Ram has master tapes of his previous vocal albums downloaded to Zen's control board, and he references them constantly. The singer once known for vocal imitations now finds himself mimicking his own voice! He insists that Coco do take after take until he’s satisfied. Then, when the tracks are finally done, dude is so particular about the mixes that weeks of post-production turn into months. Asian social media is rife with speculation about the release date. Will the comeback album ever drop?

Meanwhile, The Rad Asian Manchild appears in his first dramatic role since Kitten With A Whip. Dude plays an evil voodoo priest in "White Zombie", a satellite TV miniseries; it’s the Indian adaptation of a 1932 cult favorite starring Bela Lugosi. Director Radni Luck, who will have shot most of Ram's Scopie videos, earmarks the actor/singer for the role of Papa Murder. "He's the only Indian actor who can do that part justice," Radni insists. The producers of the miniseries resist casting him, but the maverick director lobbies hard and eventually gets his way. Upon viewing the dailies, they're obliged to eat crow: Ram is so convincingly sinister in the role, Lugosi’s acting pales in comparison. Critics will pronounce his portrayal of Papa Murder the definitive one!

"White Zombie" pulls strong ratings and scores several Indian Telly Award nominations, including Best Supporting Actor. Bollywood's former soundtrack king is in demand again, this time among casting directors! For the first time in his acting career, Ram is turning down scripts. However, he’s now more interested in making music than movies.

Underscoring that mindset, he contracts with the Vox label to remix two classic Archies albums. Avis Poindexter, now an A & R executive @ Vox, conceives and oversees the project. After their 2074 Burning Man gig together, Ram will have given Avis some of his old mix tapes. The leader of Prism Bytch treasures them, and plays one for his bosses five years later. "I always thought Ram's mixes were ahead of their time," he admits, "but now the club world is catching up to the style he invented." That style is called Asiacore, dance music's most cutting-edge trend!

Avis re-connects with his old friend and pitches his remix idea. The Rad Asian Manchild is elated: "F*ck, yeah! Let's give The Archies a yellow-face makeover." Hunched over the Rajah Studios control board with original master tapes, Avis and Ram re-invent The Archies as a Lat-Asian Pop band on venerable oldies like "Hip Shaker", "Looking @ Tomorrow", "Nobody But You" and "Glitter + Gold." Some older Archies fans are outraged @ the remixes: "Sounds like a radio scrambling broadcast signals from two or three different countries," one critic grumbles. However, club kids can't get enough of them! Vox's Hits Of The Sixties Remixed, Volumes One + Two become best-selling catalog albums in Asia and Europe.

Avis and Ram go back in the studio to remix Get It On Today, the adult Archies' fourth studio album. Donna Dante is delighted: Her late father, lounge legend Ron Dante, wrote all the songs! However, she reminds her husband that he should be about finishing his own record: "How about some new hits of your own? Daddy's music can wait; your fans have waited long enough!"

Verve VQ/829283940-3

I Met Him On A Sunday (The Shirelles)

Tonight, You’re Gonna Fall In Love With Me (Kornfeld, Wine)

Look Away (Armstead, Ashford, Simpson) w/Klutch

Boys (Dixon, Farrell) w/Bosslady

Are You Still My Baby? (Charlie Rich)

Last-Minute Miracle (Harris, Kerr) w/Donna Dante

Baby, It’s You (Bacharach, David, Dixon)

Abra-Ka-Dabra (Van McCoy)

Doomsday (Covay, Dixon)

Too Much Of A Good Thing (Davie, Vance) w/Bosslady

Soldier Boy (Dixon, Greenberg)

Sha-La-La (Moseley, Taylor) w/Klutch

Look What You’ve Done To My Heart (Ellie Greenwich) w/Jordii Hinojosa

Dedicated To The One I Love (Bass, Pauling)

Will You Love Me Tomorrow? (Goffin, King) w/Rikki Ninja

Dedicated

Ram Sings The ShirellesRamwith Nantze Boyzz

A QZ Production

Produced by Quincy Zen

Chief Engineer:

Xerxes

Recorded @ Zen Studios, Casablanca,

East-West Studios, Hong Kong

+ Gold Key Studios,

Dublin + Manchester

Album Coordinator:

Coco Hoyas

released in Asia

2082

The new LP hits the streets in late May of 2082, nearly two years after its conception. Released by the Indian branch of Verve Records, Dedicated:Ram Sings The Shirelles is an across-the-board triumph! “Ram is back, b*tches!” trumpets Popsicle, Asia’s main Rock ‘n’ Roll magazine. “Soulful Pop is reborn along with the stalled career of India’s most talented all-around musician,” opines Hong Kong Variety.

“It’s commonplace now for male rockers to sing pronoun-intact covers of songs written for women,” notes Melody Maker. “Ramsay Khalid Sharma helped popularize this practice. His delivery of numbers like “I Met Him On A Sunday” and “Soldier Boy” show nary a trace of camp; dude is still a master of the genderf*ck Rock ballad!” Accolades flow from international music blogs; Ram is the main beneficiary, but Quincy Zen’s production and the guest artists all get their share of kudos.

Verve VCM-2093

Tonight, You’re Gonna Fall In Love With Me (Kornfeld, Wine)

Are You Still My Baby? (Charlie Rich)

Last-Minute Miracle (Harris, Kent) w/Donna Dante

Look What You've Done To My Heart (Ellie Greenwich) w/Jordii Hinojosa

Tonight, You’re Gonna Fall In Love With Me

Ram

with Nantze Boyzz

Produced by Quincy Zen

Remixed by Xerxes

released in Asia

Released in June, “Tonight You’re Gonna Fall In Love With Me” (featuring “Last-Minute Miracle”) will be one of the year’s most downloaded club mixes. Ram is deluged with personal appearance requests, but he can't comply: Dude suffers a serious health setback! For weeks, he struggles to shake off a debilitating viral infection. Verve executives press him for a promotional tour, something Donna Dante strongly advises against. However, Ram longs to hear the roar of adoring crowds again; he promises to go out on tour as soon as he feels better. While convalescing, he writes liner notes for an Archies ballad collection. Compiled by Witch Queen Studios' Sonny Yin-Bao with the singer's input, Plain And Simple is released on Philles Records; Vox now owns the famous Phil Spector imprint. This compilation won't be a popular download, but Ram's involvement will heighten its market value later on.

A 25-city Dedicated tour is scheduled to kick off on 13 August 2082; launching from Hawaii, it will cover most of the Asian continent and end with dates in Australia. Advance tickets are sold out within a week! Rehearsals begin in mid-July.

Having been warned about Ram’s temper, all the musicians and dancers are on guard; but they find him surprisingly low-key. In fact, he seems listless most of the time. When the Rad Asian Manchild announces that he won’t be dancing in concert, nobody is surprised. Nantze Boyzz sign on as his touring background singers; after the first rehearsal, it’s clear that he’ll need all the support they can give! By the last verse of a song, the Bollywood Balladeer can barely catch his breath. Ram is often heard fretting over how people will respond to his live vocals. “I don’t sound anything like I do on the album,” he admits to Puddy Tat Tambo; @ Donna Dante's request, his old college buddy hires on as voice coach on tour. Dude is a bundle of nerves at the final dress rehearsal in Honolulu; he misses several cues and even forgets to say goodnight to the crew. Puddy expresses concern, but Ram assures him: “Don’t worry, it's just my usual pre-show jitters! I’ll be fine after a good night’s sleep.” Planting a kiss on his friend's bronzed forehead, he climbs into a taxi and heads back to the Royal Hawaiian Hotel.

Early on the morning of the first show, Donna Dante is awakened by her videophone. Both Puddy and his husband, Hilo Herbie, are on the line. "Why do you two look so somber?" she wants to know. "What's wrong?" Haltingly, The Cabaña Boys break the bad news to her: "We're so sorry to have to tell you: Ram died last night!” Herbie has to repeat himself several times before it finally sinks in. By then, Dody is hysterical!

The details are almost too horrible: Her husband will have choked to death in his hotel room. He'll be found hanging nude from a door jamb, with a jerry-rigged leather contraption wrapped around his throat in a stranglehold. There’s also a needle in his arm, and a suicide note written in French. Acting quickly, Dody and The Cabaña Boys are able to suppress the note. Unfortunately, they can’t stop the sensational headlines: