The Rules for Black Women Dating White Men in 2019

by Ajah Hales

If you decide to date a white boy,You are no longer pro black.It does not matter that you were on the ground in East St. Louis,That you stood vigil for Troy and Trayvon long before Black Lives Matter? was even a questionIt does not matterThatBlack Lives Matter! was always your answerIt doesn’t matter what Angela taught you(and why do you think she looks that way?)Or that you would rather spend two hours Friday night detanglingThan smear creamy poison on your scalp.It does not matter if your boyfriend is a civil rights lawyer,A first generation Latvian immigrant, or, Howard-fucking-Zinn himselfIt is still so obvious (to some) You are compensatingYou are compromising,You Are Compromised.

If you decide to date a white guyYour friends will becomeYour black friendsAndYour white friends.Your white friends will be ecstatic for you,They will introduce you to other white people as “Rick’s girlfriend, Ajah” or“John’s partner who-I-told-you-about?”They will introduce themselves as one of your oldest and/or very best friends(It will not matter if you met them yesterday, they will still claim aDeep and immediate bond with youBased solely on the fact that you had the good sense to date a white man).They will use this bondTo try and touch your hair.You will become far more consciousOf the fact that you are blackWhen you are with your white friends.Your shoulders will be tight,The backs of your eyes will burn,You will be uncomfortable without knowing why.My married friends tell meThis goes away, eventually. In the meantime, you still haveYour black friends.

Your black friends, who, although you won’t admit itYou will start to think of as your real friendsBecause they are the only friends you can discussAll of your life with.They are the friends you can discuss your relationship with,The Race StuffAnd The Sex StuffAnd the Oddly Distant yet Uncomfortably Prying Family StuffThat you don’t know how to discuss with your partner, because you’re“Not even really sure if we’re ‘there’ yet. You know?”You’ll think of your black friends as part sounding board, part savior.You’ll pretend not to notice when they treat your relationship like a phaseYou’ll pretend not to hear when they make excuses for you crossing the color line“Well, she went to Hawkins” or “You know her brother even married one”As if jungle feverWere an actual fever,As if it were a disease for one to have a genetic predisposition to.You will pretend not to hurt when you realize thatTolerance is not the same as Support.

If you start to fall in love with a white person,You will find yourself having ridiculous conversations inside your head.You will ask yourself thousands of unanswerable questions, like:“Am I attracted to his blond hair and blue eyes because he is handsome, or am I attracted to him because the dominant cultural narrative of anti-blackness has convinced me that those features are attractive?”And“If I yell at him about this, am I living into the angry black woman stereotype? Would I tolerate this behavior from a black partner?”Or even“If we had kids, would he be able to affirm for them all the amazing things about being black?”The first time he doesn’t text you back you will feel like his chocolate freak.The first time you apologize you will feel like you have disappointed the Ancestors(even if you were wrongsometimes especially then),If not yours, then someone’s.The first time you cry in front of himYou will feel like a Sphinx catA natural form rendered grotesqueIn seeing what is best kept covered.Flesh peach fuzz soft Skin thin and membranous,He will do one of two things:He will cradle you gently, orHe will Bruise you.

If you decide to get serious with a white manYou will start to notice interracial couples everywhere.Television commercials, grocery store parking lots and doctor’s officesWill all seem to be subtle celestial signsEncouraging your union.The internet will bombard you with up-to-the-minute informationOn celebrity interracial couples.Loving will magically appear in your Netflix queue.You will sit down on the couch with the full intention of watching itAnd you will wake up one-and-a-half hours later with a puddle of drool on your upper arm and no real idea of what happenedBut you will be happyBecause the movie exists.

If you decide to marry your white man,Your family will be disappointed.They might not say itIn mixed companyBut they will find ways to let you know.Your grandmother will call everyone east of the MississippiIn one afternoon to tell themYou are ‘calling yourself’ “engaged to that white boy”.You will tell her repeatedly His name is DavidShe will give you the most dismissive glare you have ever received and go back to her conversation. At family gatherings your male cousins will make jokes about master/slave roleplay.They will speak in their white guy voice when they imitate himThey will call him Biff, Chad, or Steve-OThey will goad him into participating in infantile testosterone driven challenges that end up with you in the emergency room at three in the morning on a Sunday biting your nails past the quick as you wait to find out whether or not your fiancé needs his stomach pumped—You will be making dinner the following evening whenA Great Aunt who you haven’t spoken to in years will call you on the phone to ask you what you were thinking and to tell you that you are not thinking of the future. You are not thinking of your children, your black girlsWhose father will know nothing about what they are going throughOr WorseYour black boysWhose father cannot raise them to be strong black men.And in that moment of weaknessYou will feel that maybe she is rightThat maybe this is a signAnd you will not fight her.You will say what you need to to get her off the phoneAnd go lay down.If you decide to marry your white man,You will be Tired sometimes.

If you decide to build a life with a white partnerYour children will be beautifulAnd fetishizedAnd they will learn to be careful, so carefulIn the world.You will still have black friends And white friends,With a few crossovers along the way.Random strangers will come up to you and tell you you are an inspiration.They will place you on a pedestal,They will thank you for having the courage to loveIn a world full of divisiveness and hate.Others will place you on a pillarOf righteous indignationThey will hold you up as an example Of all that is wrongWith the country,Their peopleOr ‘the man.’They will hold you as a placeholderFor all their discontentAnd disappointment.

If you decide to build a life with your white partner,You won’t fit in anywhereBut you will get used to nowhere.You will be a bird and a fish,But you will make your home in sea and skyFrom Salt and Earth and fiery conversationHe will grow wings andYou Will learn to dive.And at sunset, you will rock on the porch with himAnd push that lock of snowy hairThick, yet soft as spider’s silkAway from his rheumy blue eyesAnd talk of how the world has changedAnd be happyBecause you exist.

Ajah Hales is a writer, small business owner and social thinker from Cleveland, Ohio. When her mother asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, Ajah replied: “A dictator.” You can find Ajah on Twitter @AjahsWrite