Here we are, two months into the Christmas shopping season. Have you finished? No, because you didn't start in September like you were supposed to. Well, not to worry; corporate America is doing everything in its power to make you feel guilty about your laziness and poverty of ideas as well as money for several more hours, this holiday season.

Merry Christmas! I can just sense the "yuletide" in the air, whatever the hell that is.…
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Traditionally, the day after Thanksgiving has been called "Black Friday," to connote the dark sense of bleakness which falls over you as you contemplate going to some neon-lit big box retailer and fighting hundreds of other Americans for plastic consumer goods like so many benzene-consuming zombies. Well, that's over now. Now, the WSJ reports, everyone who is everyone is the suburban roadside hellscape—Target, Macy's, Kohls, Best Buy—is opening at midnight on the night of Thanksgiving, so shoppers can "get an early jump" off a nearby bridge once they realize just how fully the American materialistic hustle has replaced the concept of human companionship in their lives.

Best Buy Chief Executive Brian Dunn, said he felt forced to "make a very difficult decision" and open at midnight because rival retailers were doing so, though the decision was controversial inside the company.

"I feel terrible," said Mr. Dunn, who was once a store manager, speaking during a conference in San Francisco. "It will change some Thanksgiving plans for our employees. It certainly changes mine."

No time to watch the ol' football game with the family after dining on roasted slaves sprinkled with edible gold this year, Mr. Dunn? Shame. This new early opening trend is being referred to as "Black Midnight." GOOD NAME.