Description: Rhythm of MisFits

Read the Text Version

Questions asked, thoughts ponderedWhen does your responsibility as a husband starts and when does the responsibility of the wife begins?What guides you in your idea about what being a husband and a wife means?How prepared are you to let your husband be more active in the family without jumping in halfway to correct him?As a husband, how do you expect your wife to respect you, when you don’t respect your responsibility towards your wife?Where does it state that financial instability automatically gives you permission to disrespect your husband?ReflectionsThis couple came to me with the wife determined to proceed withdivorce; she cannot bear to look at her husband anymore, she isfrustrated at having to be the man of the family. She told me insession that she pays for the bills while he gets calculative abouthis contribution; she told me she endured 10 years of being withhim, always being the person he could depend on, but he is notsomeone she could rely on. She would ask him to contribute andbe more active in the family, but then she would end up havingto do it anyway because “he’s not doing it right”. Their dynamic is such that their personalities, at first glance,are polar opposites. She can be described as a woman who prefersstability, structure and order. He is a more laid back, go with theflow, take it easy, kind of man, yet filled with ambitions of higherstature. She had a high level of education and for him, books andpaper credentials are merely pieces of paper. He believed in being 130

street smart, not really book smart. She knew this about him, heknew that about her. As they describe to me their day to day adventures, I thoughtto myself, this is a couple who at the point of marriage is awareabout the differences of what can be referred to as status andfinancial standing. How could the very thing that they were awareof, become the thing that becomes magnified after the marriage?What kind of conversations were they having before, that embracedthese differences and what kind of conversations are they havingnow, that pushes them away? Being too similar loses the excitement of having a difference.Being too different can lead to craving some level of sameness. Differences exist, even when we think similarities are close by.Similarities exist even when differences seem to be in the spotlight.A thought crosses my mind: could there be another way to describecouple interaction and attraction other than in “similarities” and“differences”? If there could be another way where we can speakto and about each other aside from these polarities, what wouldenable us to stay in the middle of this spectrum? Would it be moreuseful or harmful because of its uncertainty? I wonder, would a more useful language be the language ofconnection and negotiation of these similarities and differences?If we speak about similarities and differences with the intent tobridge and connect, how similar or different will our conversationsbe? As I look at this couple I pondered on the idea of powerand equality. Where does power and equality sit in a marriage?As I ask this, my mind automatically goes into gendered roles,responsibilities and expectations, intertwined with my ideas 131

influenced by society, culture and also religion. What comes to mymind, is the idea of a gender-appropriate equality. It seems onlynatural for me to think of gender as the lens to use when thinkingof power and equality in marriage. And almost automatically theidea of equality does not seem to exist in relation to marriage,but power takes centre stage instead. Yet, in marriage, we speakabout having a balance. Does having a balance means equality? Ordoes equality means having a balance on who takes centre stagein different areas? Then again, who decides who has the reign onwhich areas and what is it based on? For this couple, financial standing and its disparity was thetip of what pushed them away, what followed was the disintegrationof values and respect that couple had intended to build with eachother. Where does respect lie when it comes to being respectful ofthe husband or wife? What about being respectful to the sanctityof marriage, instead of merely respecting the individuals in themarriage? When we think of marriage, it’s hard not to think aboutit from a gendered point of view. Our values, idea of equality, powerplay, respect, responsibilities, are filtered with gender appropriateresponses and it can get very convoluted. It is very confusing to be guided in our thinking and havingthe ideal and the reality colliding. When multiple interplays ofcontexts exist, how then can we allow our self to think of it inblack and white? If only we start to notice the kind of lenses wewear and the kind of responses we give, would we then allowourselves to pause and look – at how we are contributing tothe disintegration of our communication, instead of taking anautomatic blaming stance? 132

Personality Differences:Synchronised Disharmonyin Unity“As a couple, bearing witness to our growth in the relationship isimportant. This includes holding the idea that synchronicity cannotalways contribute towards harmony, chaos should be expected butnot predetermined.” (NB, 2016)She looked at him, her eyes glistening with a sad memory of aman she truly loves. She was reminded of how she was willingto sacrifice everything to be with him. Yet sitting before her wasa man she did not recognize anymore, a man whom she felt haddrifted away from her and their family. He sat next to her, intently listening to her every word, everycry, every plea. He remembered how he pursued her, how muchconnection and intimacy he wanted from her. Yet looking at her,he felt that they could no longer beat to the same rhythm. Theycan’t seem to fit with each other, and being misfits has becomeunbearable that even in their trying, they hurt each other evenmore. He said in session, “I want to end this relationship becausewe have grown to become very different people. We have both 133

sacrificed ourselves for this marriage and this divorce is the wayfor us to find ourselves again. I need to find myself again. The loveis gone, our principles have changed, we end up hurting each othereven more, we have both brought up the worst of each other. I don’twant our children to grow up with parents who end up arguingall the time and parents who don’t know themselves.” His wife nodding her head in agreement. That was themoment after a really long time that she felt her husband felt andunderstood her. He said it exactly how she would have said it andshe had wanted that.Questions asked, thoughts ponderedWhen did being different means we are given passport to impose our ways onto another?How does ending actually begin another level of disharmony in you?I am attracted to how your eyes have learned to see the difference; yet, your heart is longing for sameness. How much of your decision is influenced by your head or your heart?Assuming you can tell a different story about the difference that you saw, what will be story about?ReflectionsSome relationships bloom because they are in sync with each other.Synchronicity in values, outlook on life, religious inclination, theway they want to raise their children. This put together, was a recipeof connections and sameness for a loving and warm relationship.Despite that being true, we often forget that just like time, people 134

change. Sameness becomes varied. They say you never carry thesame child twice; I believe this applies to every other person,including the self too. Words like:“You’ve changed, I don’t know you anymore, youwere not the person I married”, become too familiar. It somehowslips our mind that we too, change; we are not the same person wewere five or ten years ago, sometimes even minutes ago. The onlything constant in life other than death is change. Yet, we forget theinevitability of change in relation to our partner.We are aware thatchange happens, yet, often craving the familiarity of sameness ofthe person we first got attracted and fall in love with. As I felt for this couple and their struggles, I find myselfasking how did being in sync become the very thing that collidesand separates? At which point after the collision did we begin tobe destructive? Because of how in-sync this couple was, they learned andadapted around each other; this includes, the unhelpful waysof being with each other. Both of them became consumed inproving that their way was right, imposing their views onto theother, suffocating each other in the process. I thought to myself,when did the language of imposition become a preferred modeof connection? What was the point of being right when it breaksthe marriage apart? How can we learn the language of invitationinstead or how did it not even get invited? I wonder if couples, newlyweds especially, ever had theopportunity to develop a couple identity together? Or have allthe calibrating and recalibrating, been done in isolation from oneanother – more so when similarities shift towards difference, whenvalues are at the point where they are being compromised, when 135

the gift of having children were presented as a surprise, whendeveloping as a couple was a concept unheard of or perhaps, wasn’tgiven the space to be developed. I wonder if they had the opportunity to learn how to negotiatetheir similarities and differences together, if they didn’t collide infull force with each other, would there still be a marriage worthsaving? “If only they came sooner,” rings in my head every timeI see them. I now pondered, how much synchronicity is useful to makeit less helpful later? When should a couple allow synchronicity torest, as they fight for chaos to find another form of synchronicityin their interaction and relationship? What would it take for acouple to lean towards chaos and see the need to be together, ascompared to jumping out of the marriage because the chaos is toounfamiliar and unsafe? Is there a value they both could go backto when chaos appears? As a therapist, our role is to build the bridges as close toeach other as possible, but ultimately the couple themselves needto take that leap. Sometimes, the therapist might end up being thelast person who wants this marriage to last. A song by Daughtryis ringing in my head as I write this. It sings: What about now? What about today? What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be? What if our love, it never went away? What if it’s lost behind words we could never find? Baby, before it’s too late What about now? 136

DISABILITY: This AbilityGone; It Too, Broke Ties“When the body of a family member breaks down due to ill health,as much as it can unite families, it too can lead to the disintegration/break down of family relations.” (NB, 2016)Mr Rahman, 57 years old, and Madam Hasnah, 55 years old, hasbeen married for 30 years and were blessed with three children.The couple has been struggling in their marriage after the birthof their youngest child. Madam Hasnah felt that her husband hasbeen taking her and their marriage for granted. She describedhim as someone who often gets angry easily, had a short temper;there were time where he hit her too, she recalled. Mr Rahman,pensively noises in agreement. She said,“At the point before he got stroke, I wanted to leavehim. I really could not endure him any longer. But when he did,I asked myself ‘What kind of a wife would it make me if I divorcehim now?’ So I stayed. I stayed with him and nursed him back tohealth. That was 19 years ago. 19 years of my life passed by andI hoped for some change; yet he is still the same, maybe not thesame but worst. There is no more communication, no intimacy,nothing. He can’t even provide for me anymore! I don’t see a reasonfor me to stay. This is not what marriage should look like. I wanta divorce, something I should have done a long time ago.” 137

He looked at me, quiet. I asked him for his response to whathis wife said. After pondering for a while he spoke saying,“I knowI have not been the best husband for her, I tried to change butI forget. I am very forgetful nowadays. I have always been a quietperson, but now it’s harder to talk to her. I prefer silence becausewith my silence, I won’t be hurting her anymore, or make herangry. I don’t know how to be with her anymore and when I try,she pushes me away. I don’t want to divorce her; she has been goodto me but if this is what she wants, what can I do? I can’t force herto stay.” His sentence ended with a heavy sigh.Questions asked, thoughts ponderedTo what extent have we learnt to pathologize illness and the relationships in between?What needs to happen to invite conversations about change, instead of talking about it in the language of expectations and rights?Where do we draw the line between being dutiful in doing what’s right and compromising self in the process?How do we really know that enough is enough, or we are just needing a break from being exhausted before moving again?ReflectionsI begin to think about the idea of change and what change meansto the both of them. It seemed that some changes made, were controlled andconscious choices. Others, perhaps were placed upon themunexpectedly. Neither of them could have predicted that themoment when she decided to file for divorce, was the moment hebecame incapacitated with his stroke. A time when she decided 138

that she didn’t need him anymore, was the time he needed herthe most. Based from the interaction and stories they shared, it appearsto me that change has been something expected by both, yetnot communicated to one another in a language that each otherunderstands. It dawned on me looking at this couple and alsoother couples I interact with, change has too often been done inisolation, missing out relationality almost completely. Change cannot exist in solitary confinement and in the samebreath, carry the expectations for the other person to suddenlytake notice and accompany us in our change. What would allow us to start noticing that changing on ourown invites more confusion, rather than an invitation for othersto take notice of our change? How do we invite our partner to witness and create withnessin the change we are making, and be interested to be a part of thechange they’re embarking? How do we begin to communicate our expectations of oneanother without imposing, and instead use a language of invitation? As Madam Hasnah felt that she needed to change to copewith the demands of her husband’s illness, I wondered what shehad to go through in the midst of crisis – to reconcile with heridea of wanting divorce, yet feeling forced to stay because ‘whatkind of a wife would it make me to leave him when he is at thisstate?’. I wondered too, how much of the pressure of socially acceptedand appropriate values and norms have we given permission torule the most intimate part of our life, for our decisions to bedecided by social strangers? 139

I also wondered if reacting to socially appropriate normswas how Madam Hasnah has learned to respond in relation to hermarried life: from the point where she perceived that her husbandwas not being just with her, to having children, to now the illness. I then pondered about our ideas of illness and its impacton marital relationship. Some people, much like this client, couldonly think of marriage using the lens of roles and responsibilities– forgetting sometimes, about the context they were in. When have be become boundarized by the lens of roles andresponsibilities? Madam Hasnah spoke about the sacrifices that she madeand the duties she has carried out over the years, and doing sowithout being appreciated or reciprocated. I saw both exhaustion and perhaps, some confusion thatlies within her. She was hoping to find her husband again aftershe has nursed him back to recovery. She found the same person,yet different. I saw in him a recognition of what he had done and perhaps,some exhaustion too, of wanting to change; yet, not knowing howto. Maybe not even how to, but the permission to be supported inchange instead of being demanded to make changes he might notbe sure of making in the same place. I see a lot of remorse in Mr Rahman’s eyes. His stutteredspeech. His rigid movements. He kept looking at his wife, almostlike a plea he made with his eyes as his words fail him. When we are faced with an illness we may end uppathologizing. It got me wondering what or who are we reallypathologizing? The person, the illness itself or do we end uppathologizing the interaction and relationships? 140

Some people might think that what she did was right, tostay by her husband when he was ill. Some would argue that shewas foolish. Others might say that the time is right for her to think aboutherself, find her own happiness, instead of being caged by the ideaof responsibilities that wasn’t hers in the first place. Others mightsay what else can he do – how he is in his limitation, isn’t somethinghe can control and to expect so much of him was ridiculous. Maybe after 30 years of marriage and 19 years of stayingwith a crippling illness. Madam Hasnah in her decision foundher freedom, her overdue sense of relief. Perhaps, Mr Rahmancan then be himself again without being drowned in guilt of notbeing the man he wished he could be. Do I, as therapist, pre-empt how things could be or do I allowthem the space to hear and taste the bitter sweet of the decision theymake: a decision that comes based on lived experience and hurtfulhurt, yearned yearning, cripplingly crippled self OR renewallyrenewed spirit? I won’t know for sure; but at least I know, we haveexplored the multiplicity of possibilities. 141

Polygamous Marriage:Offer of Multiple Twists“Between what is said and not meant. And what is meant but notsaid. Most love is lost.” Khalil GibranMadam Mawar reached out to us and came to the centre, she hasbeen thinking about divorce. She shared that she has been marriedfor the past 25 years as a second wife. She married her best friend’shusband. A marriage she consented to after being invited by herbest friend, Madam Rashidah, to be Mr Rashid’s second wife.25 years later, Madam Mawar felt that her idea of marriage isnowhere close to her experience of her marriage. She does notfeel like a wife to Mr Rashid and her best friend has become astranger or somewhat, nemesis. Madam Mawar’s context is rather “simple”; she has beenfeeling very distant from her husband and her best friend. Sheexperienced that all three of them appear to be leading separatelives, despite living together. Every turn of attempts to communicate,leads to arguments; every attempt at connecting, leads to furtherdisconnection; every cry for closeness, becomes reason for moredistancing. She said with tears in her eyes, “I feel so alone; I havesacrificed a lot of myself for this family. He married me not becausehe loves me, I know that. I am tired of pretending not to be myselfbecause he keeps comparing me with Rashidah. I am not Rashidah 142

but I am also his wife. I want to be a wife like normal people doesin other marriages, but he doesn’t let me because he fears howRashidah feels. Rashidah and I, we used to be the closest and bestof friends. Now, I can’t even look at her anymore.” For Mr Rashid, he admits being closer to Madam Rashidah. Madam Rashidah was the love of his life, and it showed howin sync they are. He agreed to marry Madam Mawar because afterbeing married to Madam Rashidah for eight over years, they haveyet to conceive a child and he so badly wanted one. He admits,“Rashidah and I, we don’t have any problems, we are okay together,but Mawar is just so different. She is stubborn and wants thingsher way, and her way is different than ours (Rashidah and I).I just let her be. I don’t know, just let her be, I think that’s better.” Madam Rashidah is known to be someone who is rather firm,no-nonsense straight to the point kind of person. I remember atthe end of our session, she looked at me and at Mawar and said,“I miss my best friend, can you allow me to tell her that I miss her?That we had not intended for all of us to fall apart but we did.”Questions asked, thoughts ponderedWhere does being just lie in a polygamous relationship? Is it with the husband, the two wives or the spaces in between?How much of the religious values have we used to our own advantage, picking and choosing which fits our cause, instead of looking at it holistically?Whose idea of fairness is being prioritised and who is silenced by it?With the limitations they all saw in themselves, who among the three feels the least special? Who among the three feel that they have failed the most? 143

Where did they learn to have their guards up when interacting with one another? Who are they really protecting when they do this?ReflectionsSeeing Madam Mawar, Madam Rashidah and Mr Rashid in oneroom for a session. I wonder if tension is what is often felt whenthe three of them are near. When was the last time that they sattogether and it was pleasant? One of the things that I begin to notice as I was havingconversations with Madam Mawar was her need to differentiateherself from Madam Rashidah and her longing to experience a“normal” kind of marriage with her husband, without worryingabout what her best friend thinks or feel. I asked her what normalmeans? She responded, “Like normal husband and wife, to betogether instead of feeling guilty about wanting to be together.” I wondered what is her definition of normal in a not-so-normal circumstance. Polygamy is allowed in the religion andperhaps, normal else where. Yet, it is uncommon here. I wonderwhere normalcy in polygamy lies or how is it constructed? Howdid they grow the relationship in the existence of another? Whois another in their context? Another seems the usual. Is theconstruction of having a relationship done alone, together as acouple or discussed as a partnership of three individuals? I wonder if we introduced the language of relational risk-taking, Mr Rashid and Madam Rashidah might see MadamMawar as wanting to introduce a difference in a status quo thatno longer worked, no longer serving any function. Can that offera difference towards how they perceive her, beyond stubborn or 144

difficult? What can I do to help her not be left alone to her ownwhims? It made me wonder about why Madam Mawar came to usand is taking this risk for herself and her family. Is it because shehas risked a lot and has nothing else to lose? Or is it because shehas the most to lose and so she is willing to take this risk? The risk they are taking is speaking about the tangibleexpectations they have of each other: the housing, cooking, sleepingarrangements, all of the practical things. I am curious as to whetherspeaking about the tangible, is a way to see a way to talk aboutthe intangible, the feelings, the thought process, and the polygamyitself. It is twistedly twisted. A word that keeps playing in my head is expectations.Expectations of what was said but not meant and what was meantbut not said. It is hard enough to manage expectations betweentwo individuals, what more in threes, where the convolution istriangulated almost constantly.With expectations running high andwild, it is not a surprise when all of them are hard on themselves,not feeling like they have done enough. In a polygamous marriage, I wondered about the complexityand interplay of the idea of fairness and injustice, the idea ofbalance and extremes, the idea of differentiation and similarities.What happens when one wants to differentiate, yet the couple orpolygamy is not ready or wanting differentiation? I see how in this dance amidst the fights and cries, I see theyearning for connection between a wife and her husband. I see theyearning for closeness in a friendship lost, a missing for times whenlaughter was freely shared, and shared with each other. I see thelonging for conversations where neither of them are too guarded, 145

to be allowed for the self to surface again. I see a husband cravingharmony within the chaos in his family. Polygamous relationship brings about a different kind ofyearning. It invites vacillation, it invites push and pull and itlayered the bricks of uncertainty. I wonder what cemented it? Isit injustice? And if it is so, what is cementing it? Is it the desires?Did it lie in the ambiguity of hopes or did it get swayed throughthe lack of leadership and eventually, the air that was intended torevitalise, became suffocating instead? Could it be age? Could it be familiarity that one couple hopesfor, that invites the other to equally need? Is there a couple in apolygamous relationship or is there more than one? Polygamous relationships bring with it complexities that weknow not for sure, it can or cannot fit. Like any marriages, it comeswith it a set of challenges different from usual, yet not-so-differentfrom any marriages. 146

Financial: When MoneyDominates Interaction.It Continues“He made her feel guilty about earning more than him. She madehim feel incompetent, almost redundant.” (NB, 2016)Financial concern sneaks at every relationship. It makes its presencerelational. We have heard on separate occasions how finances, orlack of it becomes the very thing that separates couples in theirinteraction. We heard plea of exhaustion uttered about how, sincethe day of their marriage her husband has never provided nafkah,“she took loans without my knowing and I had to bail her out”,“he kept gambling his money thinking that he could providebetter for us.” One particular case that stayed with me, where moneybecame the basis or point of conversation and reference. Whetherthey talked about each other, their children, or religion, everythingrevolved around money. Madam Husna looked at her husband Mr Mustafa withabsolute disgusts she told me, “Madam, he does not have a stablejob, yet he gambles. He does not give me nafkah and I have to usemy money to feed the children. That’s HIS responsibility!”Her voiceincreased a bit more. She continued, “I married him believing he 147

will change but it’s much worse now. If he thinks he wants to giveus a better life with the money he gets from gambling, I wouldrather not have a single cent.” He looked at her with resignation in his eyes, “Madam,I work as a taxi driver, she works at the office. She earns morethan me, it’s not wrong to have her contribute to our financesright? She thinks because she earns more than me she can insultme like this. I’m trying Madam, but sometimes she makes mefeel like a stranger in my own house. You know what she saidto me yesterday? She said you didn’t buy any food in this house,go find food somewhere else. Don’t think this is a welfare home.Madam, this is my house too! This is my home. Do I deserve tobe treated like this by my wife?” His voice too, increased as hewas saying this.Questions asked, thoughts ponderedHow did we let a piece of paper take so much control of our interaction and destroy our relationships?Where did we learn how to talk about money and the “etiquette” about money?What are we guided by when we tie money to the concept of roles and responsibility?When we look at money, can money also be seen from a gendered point of view?At which point of our marriage, or perhaps our life even, did we allow money to govern our interaction?What would Allah ask us if He saw the way we talk to each other, while using His book as a point of reference? 148

ReflectionsOne of the things I remember quite vividly is thinking how do I,as a therapist, be fair towards the couple who have been treatedunfairly by each other. I could go on with the line of correctingthem both and telling them about their responsibilities and whatthey are doing wrong to each other. Yet I stopped myself, andI ask myself how useful would that be? This is a couple whohave been polarized and boundarized by their ideas of roles andresponsibilities, manifested in the form of financial concerns. Howdo I connect them instead and do it justly? It made me think about what influences us in the way wedefine roles and responsibilities when it comes to finances. Howdid we learn how to speak about finances in different contexts:parent-child, husband-wife, or even among friends and colleagues?I hear it too often that the religious context is used as a frameworkwhen finances are discussed between husband and wife. Personally,I believe there is a lot of merit to using the religious framework asa basis for discussion; yet too often, religion has been misconstruedand selectively chosen to push forward the individual’s agenda. In wanting to uphold and stay true to religious values, wechoose to blind ourselves to the context we are placed into. Weend up wronging our partners in our quest to be religiously right.Ironic isn’t it? Seeing the way this couple interact with each other, or seeinghow their marriage is disintegrating, because of the way they arespeaking to each other saddens me. I see them get into a patternof constantly dismissing one another in other aspects of theircommunication. She tells me he is taking her for granted, he tells 149

me she is disrespecting him, she tells me he wants to be intimatewith him saying that it is his right, she refuses because she is bitterabout having been made to pay all the bills that was rightly hisduty to do so. It seemed like their financial circumstances becamethe basis of their interaction with each other. I asked them, whenwas the last time you spoke kindly to each other? Mr Mustafa said that he felt that his presence in the househas been reduced to non-existence. He shared that he had madeattempts to do more but he felt belittled by his wife every time hetries. He says, “I don’t understand why she pertikaikan (disagreewith, questioning) her expenses for the family, it’s not like shedoesn’t have money or savings. She knows how much I was earningbefore we got married.” Madam Husna shared that she feels like the “man” in thehouse and her husband was not someone she could depend on.“It’s funny how I am the person who always bail him out, pay hisdebts and the bills, but what about me, what about the times whenI need him? Where was he?” She continued saying, “You know, ifhe can’t provide for us, he has financial issues, then okay lah sayaredha (I am resigned), but the least he could do was to be aroundthe house more, provide for me emotionally, tu pun dia tak bolehbuat. Ada suami pun macam tak ada suami? (even that he cannotdo it. What’s the point of having a husband?)” What I saw in this couple was a yearning for support fromeach other; perhaps, some balance in the way they are journeyingas a family who are going through its set of challenges. If therewas a more useful way to talk about finances, instead of it beingblanketed as expected expectations, how would that conversationgo? 150

If we noticed that we are actually longing for acknowledgementof our efforts, understanding of our struggles and the exhaustion ofsacrifices being made, instead of masking it as financial struggles,how different would our story be? 151

Reconstituted Families:A Step Too Far &Too Late“In waiting, time is lost, time is gained. In waiting, love is lost, loveis found. In waiting, life is lost, life is discovered. It is what we dowith our hearts and minds whilst waiting and sitting in betweenthat determines the direction.” (BZ, 2016)“Before we got married, he told me he would take care of my sonand I, but when it really came down to it, he just let us go just likethat,” Zahra said shaking her head. “I have never been married before, but she had. So she had apoint of reference, she ought to know better. And if I didn’t know,why can’t she guide me there?” Daniel retorted. Daniel and Zahra have been married for eight years, the lasttwo years they lived separately. Their relationship blossomed overthe love of the arts and community involvement. Wherever theywent, people complimented them on how fitting and beautifullypaired they were. It felt natural for them to be married, to start afamily. They even attended pre-marriage counselling. Though theydo not have children together, nor do they have a home of theirown (they resided with Daniel’s sister and her three children), theytried to make it work being a unit within a unit. 152

“We had a blissful marriage at first. Her son and I had a goodrelationship, the problem only came when he became a teenager.I understand that I am not his biological father, I know my place.When I decided to discipline him, Zahra did not approve. I thinkshe babies him. My sister and her son got into an argument twoyears ago and he stormed out promised to never return. Based onZahra’s past experiences being married, she ought to know thatshe still has a responsibility towards me, her husband. It feels likeshe chose her son when she left home. She shouldn’t have left.” “My son cannot go back to that place; he doesn’t feel hebelongs there. Frankly, neither do I. I can’t believe Daniel sidedwith his sister. He didn’t even come after for us.” “I waited for her to come back, but she didn’t. Things willwork out on its own, it usually does. So I let it be.”Questions asked, thoughts ponderedDid you notice that the other was waiting for you to initiate the change?What has this waiting done to the relationship? If neither of you moved during this waiting period, where did marriage go?In disagreement, what are you hoping to agree on?Are you upset because you want to protect the marriage or are you upset because you feel that you are not protected?If your son were to agree with his stepfather, what do you think your son will be agreeing about?ReflectionsSitting in front of these two hurt souls, I wondered what kind ofhealing is needed to bridge them. I could see, hear and feel the 153

physical, emotional and spiritual distance between them in theirspoken stories and in what slips in silent moments. I wonderwhether the physical distance of living apart for the past two yearspushed them to be emotionally and spiritually distant, or is it theother way around? With Daniel and Zahra, I hear they have both been waitingfor the other to make a move. Perhaps waiting for God to moveeither hearts, like He once did when they found each other. Daysturned to weeks, months and then two years have passed. Inthis waiting game, one is waiting to be accepted and the other iswaiting for initiation. The constant triangulation is prevalent fora reconstituted family. Just who is triangulating who? Is this aconscious triangulation or is it unconscious? Who gets triangulated,is it the idea or the actual individual in the family? In session, even though their lips are saying divorce is thebest way forward, their eyes speak of longing and of lingeringhopes and expectations. I hear Daniel wanting to be a goodhusband and father, and Zahra wanting to be a good wife andmother, but both disagree with the form their spouse takes.How did their longing turn into despair? How did it even getunnoticed? I wonder how different it would be if they were to talk aboutthose roles in relation to each other, instead of seeing them as anindividual conquest? Daniel yearns to be respected as a husbandand be included in making decisions in raising the child. Zahralongs to belong and be fair in attending to husband and son.I wonder if deciding where each other fit is difficult to discuss.If so, what made it difficult? Does the difficulty come from the issue and disagreementitself, or from inability to articulate thoughts and feelings? Could 154

it be individuals discomfort and/or ego? How do we talk aboutdifficult things differently? What needs to happen for couples tobegin to have difficult conversations – inviting their issues, thoughts,feelings, discomforts and egos to sit with them? If sitting is difficult,what would be easier? What form of relational risks might one beready to take to begin the process? In their disagreements on how things “ought to be”, Danieland Zahra stay waiting and waiting and waiting. I wonder whatgoes on within the self as it waits? Comfort? Discomfort? Peace?Emptiness? Rejuvenation? Longing? Stuckness? Exhaustion? Whatgrows and decays in their heart and mind? Each time I hear them speak, I hear the desire to belong. Thedesire to feel the sense of belonging as a family. Yet, I also wonderhow it can be possible. If a sense of belonging is a house they cancall their own, they now live in a shared housing. If a sense ofbelonging requires communication, all they do now is fighting anddisagreeing. If belonging requires loyalty, in this family, loyalty isquestionable. I wonder if distance grows in waiting. And if it does, wouldit then become more difficult to talk about the issues then? Evenin the session, couple waited for the other to begin. They waitedfor, when time feels appropriate – and according to whom? Was Daniel waiting to be given permission to be a husband?Was he also waiting for permission to be acknowledged as a fatherto his stepson? (Or even waiting for the rights to call him “my son”instead of “her son”?) And when they both left, was he waiting tobe remembered and re-membered as part of the family, as part ofthe decision? How often do couples in reconstituted families waitfor things to move into a supposed place, instead of addressingconcerns as they move? 155

What space do each of them hold for the other in themselves?And what space did they make to receive the other? What would ittake for a person in waiting to notice that their partner is waitingtoo? Would knowing their partner is waiting make them want tomove even more, or less? Daniel hoped that time will heal all wounds. My mindstarted spinning with other clichés like “time waits for no man”and “anything worth having is definitely worth waiting for”, asI ponder on the relationship waiting has with time. In not waitingfor any man, can time cause worthy wounds too? My mind travelsto how a tree starts from a tiny seed and grows sturdier andstronger, upwards and outwards all in due time. Except time isnot the only equation involved in that growth. Sunlight, water andsoil are efforts that play a part too. In that time the couple spentapart, waiting for the other to appear, to apologise, to rekindle,what effort can be made to grow kinship instead of distance? Canthis waiting be mistaken for patience? Is patience a necessity inwaiting? Is patience the outcome of waiting? Is patience the fuel? How does one know when waiting begins and when it ends?How do we know that we have waited long enough? The couple decided to proceed with divorce in the end.I wonder if the idea of working to bridge the distance is scary anddaunting for them that they are not able to sit nor lean towardsdisagreements, discomfort and uncertainties. I wonder if theyknow that disagreements do not have to be uncomfortable, andthat there is comfort in uncertainties. Waiting seems safe, yet waiting too, is creating unsafe spaceand more distancing from each other. The intention of giving spaceand waiting offer development of mini dyadic triangles. 156

Reconstituted Families:A Brittle Bridge“What seems to bridge, may not last. What seems to last may notbridge.” (MM, 2016)“I just love him so much,” she whimpered. She had never known love this intense, not even in her firstmarriage. Nellie and Zac were divorcees with children when theymet. Despite feeling like they had failed their first marriages, theyslowly and bravely embarked in a relationship together, promisingcommitment to each other. They both came into this marriagehoping and dreaming for a fitting companionship, an everlastinglove. If there could be a second chance at ‘happy ever after’, theywant it to be with each other. Her past marriage did not have thislevel of intense love. She recalled being willing and ready to let goof her first husband, that it was not easy but do-able. She recalledthe initial bit of reluctance but the eventual ease afterwards. Nowwith Zac, she could not find ease, nor does ease seek her as sheclutches her chest in pain praying for relief. “He understands me,” she said with a smile. In the years they have been married, things are not different,not the same either. Each brought baggage of experiences andlessons from the previous marriage, into this marriage along withits measuring tools. 157

In the session she could not look at him, and he could not stoplooking at her. While it is true he proposed to be in a polygymousmarriage, it is untrue that he does not have love for her in his eyesreverberating from his heart. “I need to talk about this, that’s how I am,” he said with tearsin his eyes. Nellie sat straight and said,“I learnt from my mother to neverlet any problem drag for more than three days. So I let things go,there is no need to prolong a situation. Let’s move on.” “Yes I know that’s how you are, but I haven’t let go, andI want to talk about it,” exhaled Zac.Questions asked, thoughts ponderedIf letting go and talking about it is given its due space, what do you think it would need from both of you?When was the last time you notice your wife allowed you to talk?When was the last time you allowed your wife to let it go, how do you think she experience you?ReflectionsWhen two souls decide to gravitate towards each other they do notcome empty-handed. They bring along with them bags of hopes,dreams, expectations, not forgetting scars and pains.As I am sayingthe aforementioned words, I found myself whispering the last one:expectations. If those words are family members, ‘expectations’would be identified as a ‘misfit’ – the one that is observed fromafar, felt in the core, thought of periodically, spoken of but not/never/seldom spoken to. 158

In the coming together of these individual hopes anddreams, we are sometimes guided and fueled by similarities. Like-mindedness fosters mutual kinship. Though in between ‘similar’ and ‘same’ lie the unspokenexpectations. How do we move in these spaces with those bagsdelicately and rhythmically to the beat of life and the inherentdifferences? Or do we allow it to crash and collide with hope fora ‘big bang’-like outcome. Both can lead to injuries inflicted bythe self or others. When two families move into a space together, does thephysical move prompts the emotional, mental and spiritual tofollow suit? If they move differently at different levels and differentpace, when then, will they meet? There is a lot of acknowledgmentand recalibration that occur in a reconstituted family. Often,people mistake it as a removal of a previous system and anembedding of a new one. The problem with such thinking is that,it enforces to simplify the complexities of a human experience.The move from calling one person your husband or wife, andthen later calling a separate person the same endearmentrequires major shifts within the being. It may require even moregymnastics to arrive to a point of considering another personyour mom or dad, when you already have a biological set. Howdoes a morphing unit decide how to be in each other’s presence?How do they decide where to place the things they packed withthem? How do they know which parts of their lives to pack inthe first place and which they will be ready to unpack? And ofthose bags, can some remain unpacked? The cultured hands thatare unpacking the bags of life lessons and experiences of the self,former self, others and manifestations of past-others, what stops 159

those hands from closing the bag and walking away from thisunfamiliarly familiar space? How much of what we learn from the past relationship dowe bring to the current or next one? How much of it is actuallyhelpful and how much of it we think is helpful but isn’t? Whattools do we keep in our bags as measuring tools of differences andsimilarities between relationships, determining success or failure?What becomes a yardstick? What becomes the deal breaker, abreaking point? How much of it is evident measurement and howmuch of it is manifestations of our expectations? The more we keep in our bags, the more strained andstrenuous our movements become. For both Nellie and Zac, theyhad learnt what worked and what did not work from their pastmarriages and they applied it to the current marriage. It is easy tolose sight of two things in this movement: 1) they are now marriedto a completely different individual personality, and 2) they areentering into this relationship as a different, more experiencedperson.While divorce had never been an option because the painfulmemories of a failed marriage still lingers, they can be remindedhow they survived in the aftermath of the past divorce. When I think of Nellie and Zac I think of how they loveeach other deeply. I could see, hear and feel their love throughtheir ever-flowing tears in between pregnant pauses. There was alot held back, a lot of screaming from within. The silence in itselfwas deafening, but when they each speak their truth it was noteasy for the ears to hear and the hearts to handle. They had found hope and solace in each other, but somehowslipped back into silent expectations of spousal duties and atthe same time, stood firmly with what they perceive is their 160

unchangeable self. How do we begin verbalise and recalibrateour expectations to our loved ones, learn from our past but notbe governed by it? If there are questions for reconstituted families, just how safeis it to question? The boundary lines are taut and thin. It offers abrittle bridge. 161

Reconstituted Families:Complexly ComplexChange“The complexities of reconstituted families go beyond acceptanceand interaction. It is complexly complex.” (MM, 2016)“Do you know what it was like to watch your mother drinkchlorox? It is not something a child should ever witness,” hesaid tearfully. Arif ’s eyes fixed on the top corner of the room, lost inthoughts of his harrowing childhood. Life had not been easysince his father decided to divorce his mother. That pain inflictedfrom his parents’ divorce during his childhood still lingers in this30-year-old man, emanating from his skin, his eyes, his entirebeing. Arif ’s Threeyear-old son was asleep on his lap. He mayhave been physically holding his son, but in that moment, it wasthe son holding him. The thought of divorcing his wife paralyseshim, despite having gone through the process before with his firstwife. He did not have any children from the first marriage; so eventhough that divorce was painful, it is nothing compared to thisexperience. “I don’t want my children to go through what I wentthrough,” he sobbed drawing his son close to his chest. 162

Sitting next to Arif was Sarah, his wife of seven years, themother of his two children. She had been sitting silently listeningto his childhood recollection, unmoved, expressionless like shehas heard this numerous times before, that it has lost meaningfor her. At this point, Sarah was tired of Arif, the marriage, andthe burdens he promised he would take care of when he marriedher. Like him, she too knew the pain of divorce. “I met him towards the end of my first marriage. He knowshow terrible that marriage was for me, how my ex-husband wasirresponsible and absent. You see, both our exes cheated on us. So,we understand the pain of being betrayed and we promised eachother we will work harder in this marriage. What did he do to thepromise? He got himself in jail. You see, we were both uniformedpeople upholding the law, he even held a top position! Can you imagine how embarrassing it was for me when hewas incarcerated? I had to leave my job, find a part-time job, raiseour children including my first child from my previous marriageas we live at my parents’ home, loan money from others to payhis bail. For the past two years, I had been struggling to makeends meet without him. Now he’s out, he’s an ex-convict, can’t geta job and on top of that he has been diagnosed with depression!He admitted himself to IMH the other day and nurse called meto get him, I told them he can go back himself,” she said. “Yes, I am an ex-convict. This is all my fault, but can’t yougive me another chance? I just got a job recently, we can buy ahouse, we can rebuild our lives,” Arif pleaded. “I have given him all that I could,” she said with tears inher eyes. “How do I move past this? He is no different from my 163

ex-husband. I can’t deal with this anymore. What happened tothe promise?”Questions asked, thoughts ponderedWhat exactly are you both tired about? Tired about trying to keep up to the promises or tired about making promises that continue to fail?How have you both successfully failed each other?You both speak very fast. What will you be talking about if you were to slow down?How is this giving up the same or different from the giving up of your previous marriage?If sacrifice could speak about you and your marriage, what do you think it will say about both your sacrifices?What was it like to hear your spouse feel ashamed of you?ReflectionsThe complexities that surround this marriage are astoundinglyextensive. Within a few minutes, I hear the couple jump from onecomplexity to another in a single breath – from childhood traumato divorced parents, to children to remarriage, to infidelity toincarceration, to financial issues to employment, to mental healthissues and many other. The couple went through many external andinternal changes in the short period of time they were married. The promise they made to each other is the very thing thatheld them together and also pulling them apart. I wonder if theycould re-look at their promise, what would they see and what willthey begin to notice? Can this promise be revisited, restructured,re-promised? Most of all, I wonder, what would marriage think 164

about this promise, and whether it allows itself to be subjected toa single promise? Where do we keep the promises we make whenwe are hurt? When are we, too, hopeful? The changes occurred impacted the couple differently. Arifwas incarcerated, separated from his family, left in a confinedspace where every second is noticed. Sarah was working odd jobs,trying to feed and shelter her family, moved in a confined spacewhere every second is acted upon. I wonder if they felt alone andisolated in their struggles. How much of what was experienced individually duringthis separation, they brought with them when they reunited? Didtheir mental and spirit required reunion too? Was a reintroductionnecessary? How does a couple decide how to behave together andaround each other after experiencing change? What space do wehave in our hearts to begin to accept our changed spouse? Whatwould need to happen for us to ready our head and heart for morechanges to come? After his release, Sarah came home to what sheperceives is a lesser man; and Arif returned to a wife who nowperceives him as a lesser man – he could see it in her eyes. A reconstituted family is built on second chances. Arif iswanting another chance, a different chance. Sarah is exhaustedfrom the multiple chances she has granted her husband. Howmany chances does one give before it is considered as too many?Do we limit the chances we give? Is there a difference between thechances we give to others and chances we give to our significantother? Is it more or less? Do we expect our spouse to give us asmany chances as we need? Do we limit the chances we ask for?And if we are granted a chance, what would help us treat it withsacredness? 165

Making comparisons between past and current marriagesare common in remarried couples. I wondered how Arif felt whenthe yardstick of how many chances he gets, seemed to be basedon Sarah’s ex-husband’s unfavourable behaviours. 166

Financial: Age KnowsNo Barrier and Mercyto None“Elderly couples too, experience change. It could be age, illness,senility and dementia but how much is too much?” (FS, 2016)It was like watching time pass by – there were no raised voices,or heated arguments. Just matter-of-factly statements made oftheir concerns – and some tension in between, just lying andwaiting. “I am not well, Madam. I cannot provide for her financially– the way I did in the past. I tried working as a security guardto support her and myself, but my health is not allowing me towork as much as I want to. So I only earn enough for us to get by,”Mr Sufi spoke in a resigned tone. “Ya, he does work. But not enough to cover our expenses.Most of it go to his medical needs – he doesn’t give enough tome. He has savings, Mdm. I ask him why he never gives more tome. He just keeps quiet and tells me that I should have enoughbecause our children give me some money every month. I alsohave medical needs too. I cannot keep asking from my children.Isn’t providing for me his responsibility as a husband too?”Mdm Hawa responded. 167

“Mdm, we have Four adult children. They always give hermoney, $500 each month in all – and my children do not give meany money at all. They say it is because I have work and my wifetells them that I have savings. Mdm, the savings I have can onlylast us a few more years. My wife thinks I ‘suka-suka’ (for fun,purposely) don’t want to touch the savings – I only use it whenI have to so that we can continue to stay in this flat in our old age.If she needs more, why not tell the children to give more to her?”Mr Sufi responded more stoically.Questions asked, thoughts ponderedHow do couples negotiate the idea of responsibility over the life span of their marriage?Where do/should adult children place themselves amidst the differences and disagreements experienced by their elderly parents in the marriage?Suppose the two of you were not guided by the amount of money given or provided, how would you like for you, your partner and your children to interact differently around the financial need?Given your context as an elderly couple and elderly parents, how do you decide between the responsibility of a spouse, and the responsibility of children towards their parents in your current situation?Where does responsibility sit right now – in the person, in your relationship as husband and wife, or should it sit in the family as a whole?As elderly parents, how does it feel to not be able to express your need to your children in the way that you wish to? 168

ReflectionsAs I was speaking to Mdm Hawa and Mr Sufi, I was struck bythe image I had in my head. I saw Mdm Hawa and Mr Sufi ina tug-of-war: only that the bulk of the rope was at Mdm Hawa’send, who had their four children on her team; with Mr Sufi beingalone, with little rope left at his end and trying desperately to pullover more rope to his end and calling over one or two childrento join his team. In spite of the disproportionate representation,there was a dark cloud looming above Mr Sufi’s head with theword “IRRESPONSIBLE” in bold. The conversation with this couple had also invited me tofurther think about financial needs in the context of old age. Inconversations with many couples, finances often interface withideas around responsibility and the ability to provide.As time goesby and age begins to interface with health and physical abilities, aswell as employability, the reality is that couples may face a situation– where they will have a rising need for finances, yet have little orno resources at all to meet their needs due to their old age. Howthen should couples relate differently to finances in the marriageas they grow older? What discourses need to be introduced sothat couples organise themselves, the family and their children alittle differently around ideas about finances, responsibility andproviding for the family? If finance could speak about who shouldprovide and how it should be provided for in a family over time,I wonder what would it would say? As the couple brought in their adult children’s voices into theconversation, I also began to think about where Mdm Hawa andMr Sufi position their children in their current circumstances. IfI take away the stoic-ness from the couple’s responses, what raw 169

emotions will emerge if I amplify the children’s voices and presencein the conversations? While I acknowledge Mdm Hawa’s current disappointment inthe marriage, I also hear disappointment from Mr Sufi at differentlayers – with his children and their choice to not contribute tohim at all, and perhaps, with his wife as well, for positioning his(in)ability as a husband vis-à-vis influencing how the childrennot contribute to him at all in his old age. What could their adultchildren do when experiencing their parents facing challengesand difficulties in the marriage? What is the responsibility ofan adult child in such circumstances? In their ideas of fulfillingresponsibilities as children, how are Mdm Hawa and Mr Sufi’schildren further contributing to the couple’s different views onresponsibility in a marriage? As parents, what could Mdm Hawaand Mr Sufi do as well, to invite their children to view responsibilitydifferently at this point of time? Given the context of Mdm Hawa and Mr Sufi as an elderlycouple, I cannot help but also respond to the idea of legacies –if the couple passes on, what would finance and responsibilitysay about where or how it has been left behind in the couple’smarriage, in their family, as well as in their children’s marriagesand respective families? Working with this couple, I am triggered to then ask – howdo couples truly, grow old together? Apart from physical aging,what else in the marriage and family living: ideas, beliefs, practices,need to grow together with them? What ideas of a marriage gotleft behind and seem to get frozen by time? 170

ReferencesBateson, Nora (2015), Symmathesy – A Word in Progress: Proposing A New Word That Refers to Living Systems in Proceedings of the 59th Annual Meeting of the ISSS – Berlin, Germany, Vol. 1, No. 1.Donald, Schön. New Ed. (1991), The Reflective Practitioner: How Professionals Think in Action, Basic Books Inc, New York, United States of America. 171