Monday, April 24, 2017

Yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self shall say this but only once - and rather quietly - dear blog reader. Because karma is, as we all know, a right bloody bitch. And because gloating is so common and unbecoming. Most of the time.

When this blogger's favourite football team first gained entry into the equivalent of what is, now, the English Football League Championship (it was called the Second Division in them far-off days), they looked like this. And William Ewart Gladstone was the Prime Minister of Great Britain and her - massive - empire.

When this blogger's favourite football team first won promotion to the top division of English football - four years later - they looked like this. And, at the Battle of Omdurman, British and Egyptian troops under Horatio Kitchener (he needed you) defeated Sudanese tribesmen led by Khalifa Abdullah al-Taashi. Who didn't like it up 'em, apparently.

Staying in the First Division for the next thirty five years (they actually won the damn thing four times, the last one in 1927) and, then, having got themselves relegated for the first time, they spent fifteen years back down among the dead men of the second tier. (Admittedly, this included all of World War II during which time football wasn't, exactly, the first thing on most people's minds.) The next occasion that this blogger's favourite football team won promotion, they looked like this. And, the actor and comedian Ronnie Barker, aged nineteen, had just made his stage debut in the play Quality Street at the County Theatre in Aylesbury.

Thirteen years of, very successful, top flight football followed (during which time, United won the FA Cup three times in five years) before another disastrous relegation occurred in 1961. Thus, the next time this blogger's favourite football team won promotion, they looked like this. And, the popular Merseyside beat combo The Be-Atles (you might've heard of them) made their second movie, Help! ... whilst stoned out of their collective gourd for the majority of the time on 'herbal jazz cigarettes.'

Another thirteen year itch followed - during which time, The Magpies won their last major trophy - the Inter City Fairs Cup, in 1969 - before another, largely self-inflicted and thoroughly depressing relegation campaign. The next time this blogger's favourite football team won promotion, they looked like this. And, the comedian Tommy Cooper collapsed and died on stage from a heart attack during a live televised show, Live from Her Majesty's.

It didn't last long, however, and five years later they were back in the Second Division (and, in serious financial trouble due in no small part to signing far too many ridiculously overpaid, lazy waste-of-space gutless cowards). But, a quasi-revolution was about to be sparked thanks to the acquisition of a talismanic leader. The next time this blogger's favourite football team won promotion, they looked like this. And, three members of the popular beat combo One Direction were in the process of being born.

An exciting decade followed with five top four finishes in the Premier League (including twice as runner-up), a couple of thrilling European adventures and two appearances in the FA Cup final (albeit, on both occasions the team turned up but then forgot to actually play) before a series of calamities and much crass mismanagement at boardroom level resulted in another relegation. Nevertheless, Th' Toon bounced back at the first attempt, whilst looking like this. And, a general erection resulted in the first well-hung parliament since the 1930s.

Developing, thence. a reputation for being up and down more often than the pants of some of the lasses doon Th' Bigg Market, like, United slithered to another disgracefully incompetent and cowardly relegation in 2016. But, thanks to the hiring of - for the first time in a very long time - a manager who vaguely knew what he was doing and despite more than a handful of hiccups along the way, now, The Black & Whites are back messing with The Big Boys. And they look like this.

How long they will stay there this time is a question probably well worth asking, dear blog reader. But, not today. Now is the time to have a - small - celebratory glass of a tasty beverage of your choice and go to bed in the knowledge that, next season it'll be visits to Old Trafford, The Emirates, Anfield, Stamford Bridge and The City Of Manchester Stadium (and, a bunch of five-nil spankings, like as not) rather than Griffin Park, Brentford, the Pirelli Stadium, Burton or the DW Stadium, Wigan. It's a necessary difference this blogger feels.

So, as you've probably gathered dear blog reader, yer actual Keith Telly Topping's beloved (though unsellable) Newcastle United secured an immediate return to the Premier League with an - eventually - convincing four-one home victory over Preston Both Ends on Monday evening. Christian Atsu put the Magpies two-one up shortly before half-time after Jordan Hugill had cancelled out Ayoze Perez's early opener. On a tense evening at St James' Park, the players' nerves (and, those of their long-suffering supporters) were settled when Preston's Paul Gallagher was sent off for handling an Isaac Hayden shot on the line and Matt Ritchie scored the resulting penalty. The establishment of a two goal cushion brought about an almighty roar of relief from the Geordie faithful and a fourth Magpies goal quickly arrived as Jonjo Shelvey's in-swinging corner rebounded off the far post and was deflected into the Gallowgate End goal via the shoulder of Perez to send Newcastle up along with Brighton & Hove Albinos. Satisfaction rather than euphoria was the order of the day after the final whistle and while the players were applauded as they saluted the fans, the biggest cheers were reserved for Rafa Benitez as he took to the field to acknowledge the backing he had received not only tonight but all season. The vague possibility of snatching the Championship title from Brighton still remains - a record-breaking fourteenth away victory at Cardiff on Friday evening would leave United just one point behind The Seagulls. Benitez's side had taken only one point from their previous three matches - and played like a bunch of gutless glakes whose collective arse had dropped out in two of those games, frankly - but their late-season wobble was not punished by their closest rivals. Defeats for Reading and Huddersfield on Saturday left Newcastle needing just one more win to guarantee a top-two finish. Nevertheless, nerves were evident among the players and the crowd, which was - as usual - in excess of fifty thousand, until Ritchie converted his spot-kick to stretch Newcastle's advantage against ten-man Preston with twenty five minutes to play. The hosts took advantage of poor Preston defending for all four goals, with Perez netting twice from corners and Atsu finishing a terrific lightning three-man counter-attack in first-half stoppage time after North End had lost possession in midfield. As the final whistle blew, the Tyneside air felt Arctic but Benítez bore the look of a man feeling the warmth of the sun on his back for the first time following a long, hard winter.

Benitez had made a huge impression on Newcastle supporters in his two-month stint at St James' Park at the end of last season, despite being unable to save The Magpies from dropping out of the Premier League. He was widely expected to leave a club destined for the Championship in the summer - he was, after all, a former Champions League winner with Liverpool and had been in charge of Real Madrid only two months before replacing the hapless Steve McClaren. However, instead of activating the clause allowing him to leave Newcastle in the event of relegation, the Spaniard chose to sign a new three-year contract. 'The love I could feel from the fans was a big influence for me,' he said in May 2016, upon signing the deal. 'This is a huge club and I wanted to be part of the great future I can see for Newcastle United. The main thing for me is that I have assurances that we will have a strong team - a winning team.' Benitez was backed extensively in the transfer market last summer and more than fifty million smackers was spent as one of the most expensive squads in Championship history was assembled. Among the in-comings were striker Dwight Gayle and winger Ritchie, who cost a combined twenty two million notes from Crystal Palace and Bournemouth respectively and they have repaid their sizeable transfer fees with thirty four league goals between them. Newcastle recouped all of that outlay - and more besides - with the sales of disgracefully underperforming cowards such as Moussa Sissoko, Georginio Wijnaldum and Andros Townsend to Premier League clubs. Indeed, it was something of a running joke on transfer deadline day that Newcastle were the only club in the summer to spend over fifty million quid and still end up making a more than thirty million knicker profit! As for those who stayed following relegation, they have also played their part in Newcastle's success. Jonjo Shelvey, an England international as recently as November 2015, has featured in every league match he has been available for this season and has been the team's main creative forces in midfield. He may not have got here in time to avoid relegation, but Rafa The Gaffer managed to restore competence, commitment and belief in both the dressing room and in the stands - a truly monumental achievement given the years of chaos and mismanagement that had preceded his arrival. Now, of course, the question remains whether he will be backed in the summer with the funds he clearly wants to build a side that can compete in the Premier League. Whether, in fact, owner Mike Ashley shares his ambition. Time will tell, it usually does. As always with this club, uncertainty surrounds the future after Benitez resisted the opportunity on live TV to guarantee his own future with the club. 'You never know, that's football,' he said. 'I'm very happy and very proud for everything we have achieved. Hopefully we have the foundations that can guarantee the future. We need to enjoy this day and afterwards we will see.' The message was clear for all to hear: Benitez will not commit himself to the long-term at Newcastle unless he is given substantial backing from Ashley to create a squad capable of doing more than just surviving in the Premier League. Ashley was not at last night's game when Benitez provided the answer to those who questioned whether he would be able to handle the difficult demands of the Championship. 'It feels really good,' he said. 'I'm really proud of everyone because we knew it would be difficult at the beginning, when everyone was saying, "Rafa has no experience of the Championship and it will be tough." They were right, it was very difficult, but the commitment and hard work of the players every day, and the staff and everyone involved, and then the support of the fans, has made a massive difference. '

Playing to bumper home crowds of fifty two thousand punters can make or break a player, particularly when the club they play for are such hot favourites for promotion. Whilst Aston Villains, also relegated last season, failed to acclimatise to life in the Championship, with their league position dipping at one stage as low as twentieth, The Magpies have not been outside the top four since September 2016. 'It's not easy to drop into the Championship,' former Newcastle winger Chris Waddle (a vital part of the 1983-84 promotion side) told 5Live. 'Newcastle are a big scalp, with the fan base they've got, home and away, so every game has been difficult for them. As we saw, Aston Villa found it difficult and they've got a big support as well. But Newcastle, for all they've had a bit of a wobble, they've been up there all season.' Newcastle secured promotion this term with two games to spare, but they will not match the achievements of the last Magpies side to go up from the second tier in 2009-10. They had been relegated in 2009 with the club's record goalscorer Alan Shearer in caretaker charge - and began 2009-10 in apparent chaos with Chris Hughton as caretaker manager. After a positive start to the season, the popular Hughton was given his first permanent managerial role in October and he led Newcastle to the title with one hundred and two points from their forty six games - twenty three points more than third-placed Nottingham Forest. There was little investment in new players but the majority of the squad from the previous season remained. Captain Kevin Nolan led by example, scoring seventeen league goals from midfield, a tally matched by emerging striker Andy Carroll. Although promotion to the top flight has once again been achieved at the first opportunity, the Championship title is likely to elude Newcastle this time around. Leaders Brighton - ironically, now managed by Hughton - will be crowned champions if they win either of their final two league matches.

Former Newcastle coach Steve Stone believes the current squad needs strengthening again during the summer. 'They still need an awful lot of new players before next season,' he told BBC Radio 5Live. 'Fans realise they're not going to win the Premier League next season and they will struggle to get into the top ten. They need to get a foothold in the Premier League first, otherwise they will become a yo-yo club. It's been a long time since Newcastle were battling at the top of the Premier League. They finished fifth under Alan Pardew the season I was there [2011-12], but they haven't been up there on a consistent basis since Bobby Robson left [in 2004]. Now is the time to buy and build, and make sure club doesn't have to play in this division ever again.' Stone added: 'The fans absolutely adore Rafa Benitez and they have from the start. They chanted his name throughout the game. But he knows now that he needs money and it will be interesting to see if they give him the money he deserves. Everywhere Rafa goes, he gets a massive reception. Newcastle were lucky to get him - they needed him more than he needed Newcastle. Since getting here he has realised what it's all about and he's bought into it.' Meanwhile, club legend Alan Shearer added that Benitez is 'a huge figure at the club. He loves the place and the passion of fans - and it's hugely important Newcastle keep hold of him. I'm sure he will demand the team has to be improved and will demand a few quid to do that. You can't stand still. You can't be loyal and give all the players that have got the team promoted a chance. You've got to go out and buy new players. People realise the team needs improving to get to where they want to be and that's got to be the top half of the Premier League. Now it's about where Newcastle want to be - do they want to get up to the Premier League and be in the bottom three or four fighting against relegation, or do they want to have a go at it? I'm pretty sure I know what Rafa will want to do.'

Several United promotion-winners from previous decades were in attendance, with Frankie Clark (1964-65) a guest of his former team-mate and now club director, Bob Moncur. John Anderson (1983-84) was on his regular radio duty for BBC Newcastle. Peter Beardsley (1983-84) was also there in his role as a member of the club's coaching staff, as was Robert Lee (1992-93) fulfilling a punditry role for Sky Sports and Steve Harper (2009-10) was spotted in the stand. Messages of congratulation from ex-Magpies flowed in on social media after full time, with the likes of Alan Shearer, Jonas Gutierrez, Warren Barton, Shay Given, Danny Simpson, David Edgar, Jermaine Jenas, Peter Lovenkrands, Mick Quinn, Steve Howey, Joey Barton and Mehdi Abeid all contributing. Even Andros Townsend managed to squeeze out a tweet of support. It may have been past Moussa Sissoko's bedtime, though, as he was curiously silent on the matter. Which is jolly surprising as he always had plenty to say for himself when he was up here.

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A Necessary Disclaimer

This blog contains occasional outbursts of adult language (about what a right shite state of affairs occur in the world today, mostly) and some (very minor) adult themes every now and then. So, if you're not seventeen years old yet, dear blog reader, then please do yer actual Keith Telly Topping a favour. Naff off and come back when you're a bit older. Thanks muchly.

Disclaimer (A Slight Return)

All of the opinions expressed within this blog - unless specifically indicated otherwise - are Keith Telly Topping's own. They should not, in any way, be thought of as reflecting (either collectively or individually) the views of any of the various media organisations, broadcasters, publishing companies or periodicals for which he has freelanced in the past, or may be employed by in the future. Or, indeed, anyone else other than yer actual Keith Telly Topping his very self.

My opinions, my political and spiritual beliefs, the choice of which TV shows I like and dislike, which newspapers and books I chose to read and, indeed, which football team I have the misfortune to support are my own and expression of them is my right within a free and democratic society. (Which, for all of Britain's faults in other areas in 2016, it just about still is.) If you disagree with any of the opinions expressed here, then please feel free to start your own blog and say whatever is on your mind to your own dear blog readers. That is, after all, what blogs are for.

This blogger encourages everyone to use those freedoms - which many brave men and women have struggled, suffered and died to attain and then maintain over the years - to express your opinions upon whatever subjects you desire and whenever you see fit in a public forum. Within - of course - the boundaries of the law as it currently stands.

Please remember there are, sadly, many parts of the world where citizens do not have similar liberties and who would probably love the opportunity to enjoy some of the freedoms that we in the West, all too often it would seem, take for granted.

Or, To Put It Another Way ...

This PARTICULARLY applies to the contents of this blog.

It's Not Where You're From, It's Where You're At!

A Brief Word Of Necessary Explanation

Copyright - An Important Notice

During 2015, this blogger received three separate "take-down" notices from blogger.com regarding individual pages of From The North relating to - alleged - copyright material posted on this blog. All of which were compiled with despite an extremely unhelpful attitude from those making the requests in telling Keith Telly Topping exactly *what* they - or, specifically, a third party - wished him to remove from the page(s) in question. Therefore, please note, From The North is a non-profit making blog compiled by Keith Telly Topping in his spare time. Almost all of the images used on this blog to illustrate a particular story come via Google Images. No attempt is made to infringe on anyones copyright - and the same goes to any links provided to You Tube. I am perfectly happy to remove any links or images from any particular page which are copyrighted (within reason, of course), but it would greatly help if I knew which one (or ones) are at issue. If you are a copyright holder and you believe that something has been posted on From The North which shouldn't be, please contact this blogger directly via the comments section.

All Are Welcome, Yes Indeed

Who He Is & How He Came To Be

A full-time survivor, dandy highwayman, bon vivant, self-unemployed author, journalist and broadcaster Keith Telly Topping's bibliography includes over forty books on mainly pop culture subjects. He was the co-editor of two editions of The Guinness Book of Classic British TV and has written or co-written volumes on television series as diverse as The X-Files, Star Trek, The Avengers, 24, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, Charmed, The Sweeney and Stargate SG-1 as well as music, film and literary critique. He authored four Doctor Who novels (including the award-winning The Hollow Men, with Martin Day) and a novella. His work includes two editions of the acclaimed The West Wing programme guide Inside Bartlet’s White House, A Vault Of Horror: A Book Of Eighty Great (and not-so-great) British Horror Movies, Do You Want To Know A Secret?: A Fab Anthology of Beatles Facts and Doctor Who: The Discontinuity Guide. He was a regular contributor to numerous TV and genre magazines and was a former Contributing Editor to DreamWatch. He is widely considered to be one of Britain's foremost experts on the bewildering complexities of US network television. No, he hasn't the faintest idea why either.

Notoriously suave, articulate and a right wow with the ladies (allegedly), Keith Telly Topping was born in Newcastle Upon Tyne on the very day that his beloved (though even then unsellable) United lost 3-2 at home to Northampton Town. Things haven't improved much since. He was the presenter of the monthly The Book Club (2006-08) and the daily Keith Telly Topping & His Top TV Tips preview slot on BBC Newcastle (2005-2012). He contributed to the BBC television series I ♥ the 70s, Call The Cops and The Perfect Detective and has also written for Sounds, the Daily Telegraph, The Sunday Times Culture Supplement, Radio Times, TV Zone, The Doctor Who Magazine and many other publications and periodicals.

Keith Telly Topping writes, and occasionally performs stand-up, and has written radio comedy, co-wrote the stage musical Monopolise! (performed at the 2011 Edinburgh Comedy Festival with Alfie Joey and Mark Deeks) and two TV pilots both of which are, currently, stuck in 'Development Hell.' A failed pop star at the age of fourteen as bass guitarist in (the never-legendary) Slime, Keith Telly Topping lives, works and occasionally sleeps on Tyneside. His interests include foreign travel, listening to bowel-shatteringly loud pop music, socialising with friends, eating in nice Chinese restaurants, watching football and cricket, reading, tacky British horror movies of the 1960s and 70s, military, political and social history and lots of other malarkey and shenanigans too numerous to list.

Keith Telly Topping still dines out on the tale of how he and three friends once - accidentally - stalked George Harrison down the entire length of Oxford Street. True story.

yer actual keith telly topping

THIS Is What You're Up Against

Nobody's Perfect

咖喱米飯和晶片

The Internet Is Responsible For All Of The EVIL In The World. Apparently

Has Anyone Else Noticed That The World Appears To Have Gone To Shit Since David Bowie Died?

The two things are, surely, connected?

Still, Life Has Its Upside

Sometimes. But, only if you think hard enough about it.

Docotr Who Fandom Explained

Available Again - Something This Blogger Has Written Which He's Actually Quite Proud Of

Keith Topping & Martin Day's award-winning 1998 Doctor Who novel The Hollow Men has been reissued by Random House as a kindle download. It can be yours, dear blog reader, for just three English pounds and thirty two pence from Amazon.

Available Again - Something Else This Blogger Co-Wrote Which He's Actually Extremely Proud Of

Paul Cornell, Martin Day and Keith Topping's award-winning Doctor Who: The Discontinuity Guide is now available in a kindle edition

Other Links

Keith Telly Topping's World Cup Trivia Page

http://worldcuptrivia.blogspot.com/

Monopolise!

The Telly Topping Family Crest

Motto: Veniat Ad Me, Si Putas Te Firmiores Irascibilem

Comments

Comments are always welcome - spam is most definitely not. However, no comments will be accepted from that well known regular attempted contributor 'Anonymous'. If you've got something which you think is worth saying, then I'm sure we'd all like to read it. But, at least have the good grace to put your name to it.

Also, this blog operates a zero tolerance policy towards rude arseholes, racists, homophobes and crass bullies. If you want to indulge in those sort of things then you can go somewhere else and do it (though it'd probably be preferable for everyone if you didn't). Be advised, however, that you are not any getting space on my blog to spread your repulsive views.

mission statement - part I

From The North is actively committed to working for a brighter future for Great Britain through the promotion of junk culture telly and loud pop music among young people.

mission statement - part II

This is, of course, an equal-opportunities blog. We treat them ALL with the same level of complete and utter contempt that they so richly deserve. As Billy Connolly once said, 'don't vote for them, it only encourages them.'

mission statement - part III

It's a truism but, in life, one tends never to fully appreciate the good things that one has until they are gone. Just a thought

appreciate what you've got while you've got it

The BBC is, of course, a British institution and national treasure. It is also - much more importantly - a World Class broadcaster with a global reputation for journalistic honesty, integrity, balance, innovation, creativity and quality. Ironically the only places in the world where it isn't highly regarded are in knobcheese fascist dictatorships like Iran and China and in its own backyard where scum politicians and lice newspapers with an agenda use it as their own personal punch-bag. This is WRONG. This blog supports the BBC and believes that it is high time the people of this country - to whom, after all, the BBC *belongs* - stand up for themselves and remind such crass, ignorant bullies that the BBC is better than all of them put together

reasons to be alive in 2017

No. 1: The third Peter Capaldi series of Doctor Who

can't find anything worth watching on TV tonight?

Then why not open your Complete West Wing DVD box-set and watch a couple of episodes in bed with a box of Maltesers®™ and a nice hot cup of milky cocoa? The world will, yer Keith Telly Topping respectfully suggests, look a whole hell of a lot better after a trip inside Bartlet's White House

whom yer actual Keith Telly Topping does NOT work for

Militant Agnosticism Or Understandable Indecisiveness?

I would really appreciate it if any postings made by myself on this blog are not reposted elsewhere without my permission. Which will almost certainly be given but I'd like you to at least do me the courtesy of asking first. Thank you for your kind consideration in this regard.