Recently my three year old has been begging for a bow and
arrow set. Frankly, I chose not to
purchase one for quite some time because he tends to be a bit uncoordinated. He’s
an amazing kid in so many areas. He’s crazy smart and very gifted when it comes
to reading and writing. I decided, recently, since he had his heart set on the
bow and arrow set that I would comply and buy him one. It’s moments like these
that I wish I had the power to see into the future. Had I been able to see Asher’s frustration in
trying to shoot an arrow I’m not sure I would have given it to him.

This has reminded me how God’s timing in my life is absolutely
perfect. There have been so many things
that I have prayed about for years.
Quite honestly there have been many times when I’ve wondered why God has
taken so long to respond to my requests. I wasn’t asking for millions of
dollars or to be famous. I was asking
for things like finding my birth family, to be out of so much physical pain,
and having babies. All very good things in my opinion. ;-)

I started praying to
find my birth mom when I was in elementary school. I recall writing letters to
my mom telling her how much I loved her and that I understood why she had to
give me away. I tried to imagine what
she looked like. I wanted so much to
have someone…anyone who looked like me.
It has been about 35 years that I have prayed this prayer of finding my
mom or someone that was related to me. I began to realize that this
probably wasn’t going to happen. I
figured that my mom had probably already passed away. The worse scenario I imagined was that I
would find her and she wouldn't acknowledge me as being her daughter.

Last year sometime I bought a piece of black poster board
and a silver marker. I had decided to
make one of those posters you see on Facebook quite frequently. I’m sure you've seen them…requests to help
find a birth family member or a long lost loved one. I came home with the
poster board and literally prayed over it.
I slipped it behind our piano and told the Lord to please let me know
when He wanted me to actually post it.
It was almost a year before I felt He gave me the “OK.” I had looked at
that blank poster board many times. I
noticed it had become quite dusty and the corners were a little curled. I
came across the silver marker quite often.
I was nervous it would get used and I wouldn't have it when I needed
it.

On my birthday this year my hubby and I went to a home-school
expo. This was not something I had been
hoping to do on my birthday but it just happened to be the same day. We returned home late afternoon and I had
about an hour before we had to leave to have dinner with some friends. I can’t
explain why I suddenly felt the need to grab that poster board but I did. I silently prayed and asked the Lord if I was
doing the right thing. I quickly filled
it out and had my hubby take my picture. I cropped it and posted it on FB and
we left for our evening out. As I
climbed into bed later that evening I wanted to see if anyone had shared my
picture. I was shocked and amazed to see
it had already been shared hundreds of times.

Two days later a gal in Wayland, Michigan saw my picture and
showed her co-worker Troy. She said, “Troy,
this sounds just like your sister you’ve told me about.” He checked it out and agreed. He sent me a private message, but I never saw
it. Later that night Troy was in bed
falling asleep when his wife began to shake him quite vigorously and say, “Troy…Troy…she
has your cheeks. You MUST contact her!!!” He lazily leaned over to see what she was
talking about. He saw my picture and
casually said, “Yeah, I know…I already sent her a message. I’m sure it’s probably not her.”

The next night I was getting into bed quite late…very normal
for me. I grabbed my computer to check
FB and see what was going on with my post. By this point it had been shared
over three thousand times. That totally
baffled my brain. I then checked my messages.
I had a LOT!!!! I came across one
from a guy named Troy that made me sit straight up in bed and made my heart
beat a little faster. It read: “Hi I saw your post and have a question. Are you black and white? Sorry if this is
offensive. My mom gave up a mixed baby in the late 60's early 70's. She was
also adopted through DA Blodgett.”

I had received lots
of other messages from people that were a total waste of my time but this one
actually caught my interest. So I went
to his FB page and looked at his picture. Upon seeing his face my heart hopped
into my throat. I grabbed my computer
and ran downstairs to show my husband. I
said, “LOOK JESSE…HE HAS MY FACE!!!!!” Jesse looked at me as if I had lost my
mind. He looked at the picture a couple
of times and said, “Hannah, I’m not seeing it.
I think your sleeping pill has kicked in. You really need to go to bed and get some
sleep…it’s late.” I was instantly
mad. Seriously? Did he really think it was even possible for
me to sleep at a time like this??????

“Jesse, really? You can’t
see that this guy looks like me? Dude,
He has my FACE!!!!!”

“Babe, it’s late. I
know you want this to be your brother or whatever but I really think once you
sleep and look at this picture in the morning you’re going to see things
differently.”

“Jesse, I just messaged this Troy and he said I can call him…TONIGHT! I’m totally going to call him!”

“Hannah, are you serious?
You are half asleep! I really
think you should sleep on this!”

“Jesse, I couldn't sleep right now if my life depended on
it. I know I’m supposed to obey you so could you please change your mind on
this so I can give this guy a call?”

“Ha, fine…call him…but don’t get your hopes up!”

The last part of that statement was heard by me half way up
the stairs. ;-) Hee hee…not get my hopes up…too late for that!!!!!

It was probably after one in the morning at this point. I truly thought my heart was going to jump
out of my chest. I took a couple of deep
breaths and prayed. “Lord, if this isn't what I think it is please show me.
Please be with this conversation and help me to discern the truth. Help me to not give more information than I
should. Thank you for carrying me
through all of this. Lord, I’m scared… I
need Your strength.” I didn't close that
prayer because I knew I would be praying through my whole phone
conversation.

I can’t explain how much I wish I could have seen God’s face
at that very moment. I can’t compare
myself to God but when I think about how excited I was when I gave Asher his
silly bow and arrow set it makes me wonder how thrilled my heavenly Father must
have been for me at that moment. There
really is no comparison, BUT I couldn’t wait for Asher to try and shoot an
arrow. Can you even begin to imagine how
thrilled God must have been for me to talk to a possible brother? He probably elbowed his Son and said, “You’ve
got to watch this! This is going to be one of the biggest moments of her life. She’s waited so long for this, and prayed for
so many years. I sure do love to see how
happy she gets when We answer her prayers!”
OK, I don’t have a clue what He said, but I love to imagine things. ;-)

The conversation with Troy was beyond wonderful. Troy wasand is my brother. I finally had someone that looked like me…you see…he had my face.

Monday, June 30, 2014

About Me

My husband and I suffered the loss of our first child together. I'm hoping this blog will not only help me in dealing with this loss but will somehow encourage another who has suffered the same pain.

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.