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A wannabe movie maker, an adhoc writer, a self proclaimed poetess, an experimental cook and a near obsessive passion player....rock with me

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Once upon a time I used to be optimistic by choice. Now, I’m so, by
default. I don’t mind it. I feel like Bhutan. For those of you who have missed
on this beauty of an info nugget, Bhutan rates highest on the happiness index
scale done by some formal sounding global body ..Blah.

So it really doesn’t matter if you’re happy or not. What matters is
that you get to define whether you can be happy or not. By the way, this is just
boundary for the rest of this piece.

So I keep having these extremely inane conversations with Junior
through the day and sometimes I find them turning my thought world a bit upside
down.

I have always been extremely proud of my zen like demeanour to be
positive come what may. That’s the only thing I devote my quota of discipline
to..hence, most of what I do otherwise becomes a labour of indiscipline. Just
saying. Also apart from this there isn’t much to be proud of. Again, just
saying.

So one such conversation almost verbatim with lots of stereo sound
(read: in the mind mumbo)

“Mom, I keep thinking about something a lot but then it seems quite
silly ..you wanna know what it is ?”

In my mind, I sort of am debating whether I want to hear a long
convoluted dream sequence of dragons that look like Amitabh Bachhann,, sci fi
landscapes with a healthy dose of human biology thrown in (his currentmuse) …

I’m too late .. sorry, at my age, its too slow.

He takes the burden of guilt off me …and continues.

“I think every single person in this world is lying to me so that I don’t
feel bad about myself Mom ..”

“Hain?”

This is the hindi ‘hain’ by the way (pardon, bihari roots).

I don’t have an under confident kid, low on self esteem. So I’ve
already started blaming myself for doing this to him. This being this complex
feeling of emotional persecution he seems to be going through and I have no
clue about. I justify it by thinking maybe I’m just too vanilla optimistic for
him and he sees no value in that and has completely dismissed it from his life …
my god..so much pessimism at such an early age ..I’ll need to figure out how to
undo the damage.

Without giving him a second to breathe, I jump up with the sole
intention of a big mama bear hug.

He looks at me with his not again kind of face, takes me in the hug and
says “oho what now?” in a very unrelated logical tone belying the gravitas of
his earlier announcement.

Keeps hugging me … the difference is he is the mama bear now …and
continues…

“Mom, I can’t believe theres no magic in the world. That we don’t know
magic. I think everyone knows magic and can do it. They just don’t want to hurt
me by saying that because I’m the only one who doesn’t have that power…the
power of magic…I’m not a magician, Mom.”

For a minute, I lose time. I really do.

That kind of optimism is hard to beat. The fact that its a part of him
says a lot to me about myself.