Penn Satire, Since 1899

Penn Community Waiting for Snow Day

As the remaining one-inch of snow on the ground cycles from ice to slush and back again, members of the Penn community are still waiting for a snow day to reward them for their hardships.

“I was walking through college green, and part of locust walk was frozen. I slipped so badly that I almost fell down. Frankly, it’s irresponsible and dangerous to have students walking to class in weather this extreme. Also, I’m in the middle of season 6 of Gossip Girl and I really need to know how it ends,” explained College sophomore Melinda Jenkins.

Many professors expressed discontent over not having the day off. In an effort to publicize this sentiment, the entire history department came to school in pajamas and sipped hot chocolate throughout the day.

Maureen Rush, Vice President of Public Safety, assured students that a snow day would not be issued. “I apologize for the inconvenience of the one inch of snow, however the student body must accept the fact that they must binge watch House of Cards on their normal schedule.”

However, freshman Josh McCluggins prioritized his own safety. McCluggins, a native Arizonan, has not left the quad in four days after hearing the weatherman use the term “freezing rain.”