Author
Topic: SOUL WARS- Demo Chapter (Read 1221 times)

This story came about in 2014. It was written for a contest amongst friends in a dA group. The theme was "Bank Robber." I thought to myself, let me push the envelope and make this a sci-fi story - and about a bank of Souls.

What came to be since was a long term project I am committed to bring to life eventually. What you see here is a first attempt to turn the story into a manga.

Jeff Nice was the artist who partnered up with me and I got to vouch for his incredible skills and patience in me through the whole process of the creation of this story demo chapter.

I decided not to move forward with the story at this point as I need to write it - entirely. I will choose the novel format and work on it for the next year or so. Once done, I will have all I need to set the right tone and setting for the manga, and I will be able to write a better manga script adaption to be turned into sequential art.

That being said, i would like to share the demo pages with you. I hope you enjoy. I am also including the script, as this is that part I was mainly responsible for. :)

Please tell me what you think about the story (not about the drawings). I need critiques so i would know what to improve on the storyline and characters. I want to know if you feel drawn to the story from these first 20 pages.

Thank you,

HKT

SCRIPT:

Spoiler

SOUL WARS

BOOK ONE – BANK ROBBER

PAGE 1

The first page is dark with the drawing of a ball of energy on top (by something in a general round shape, does not have to be a perfect circle – think energy, always moving/changing). Show a drawing of the capital in the bottom, with a huge building at the center (the bank) and lights everywhere. The angle is as if viewed from below.

Tim’s inner dialogue (dreaming): It is the energy that moves our world, that lights our lamps, and that turns on the big shiny facades of the Capital buildings… (between the ball of energy and the city scape)

PAGE 2

Black strip on top - the inner dialogue continues (upper right): But at what price?

PANEL 1 and 2 (side by side): Show faded images of death, and of police actions.Black strip between panels- the inner dialogue continues (centered): When does the price become too high?

PANEL 3: Faded image of a young child crying (face is hidden – the angle is from above the child so you cannot see the eyes.Black strip between panels- the inner dialogue continues (right of page): I miss you,

PANEL 4: The faded image of a woman – you can see her sad smile, tears, long black hair.BOXED in the right side of the panel: Mom.

PAGE 3

TITLE PAGE - In big letters:

SOUL WARS

BOOK ONE – BANK ROBBER

Show Characters Tim, Asher, and Sandy. Their faces should be serious but in a defiant way. Behind them should be the Old man character. The enemy team should be in the back (Holder, Soul Guardian, and maybe an It).

PAGE 4

Blank

PAGE 5

(Environment for the next sequence is Slum Market)

PANEL 1:Show panoramic view of the Slums market taking the full length of the top of the page. The markets are filled with activity. The slums are located on the outside of what is currently New York City – 300 years from now. Time is sunset, so showing a darkening sky and showing the lights coming from the open doors and windows of the stores would be good. BOX ON THE LEFT: Outskirts of Capital City – Slums – Marketplace. MERCHANT SAYING OFF PANEL (on the right of the panel): Hey!

PANEL 2:View from above. Tim is leaning back, his arms spread out on top of huge cloth (merchandise) bags on the floor (giving the impression he sat on one of them while waiting for someone but ended up falling asleep). You can see his face clearly. Maybe, for humor, snot balloon coming off his nose.MERCHANT IS CALLING HIM OFF-PANEL: Hey, yo!BOX (near Tim, as an introductory “tag” of sorts – can be omitted if you think it is cheesy): Timothy Branches

PANEL 3: Change the angle to over the shoulder from the merchant. We can see a back/side view of the merchant looking over to Tim. Tim’s face has changed: one eyebrow is up, showing annoyance. MERCHANT: Yo, ovah there! (Separate bubble overlapping with next panel) Wake up! You gonna damage mah merchandise, man!

PANEL 4: This is a little side panel showing a vein popping on Tim’s forehead.SFX: Pop

PAGE 6

PANEL 1: Show a side view of Tim. He stood up in one motion – you can see the action lines. He has an exaggerated expression of anger (for this scene, think Natsu, FT). Tim is waiving his fists in the air in anger. He is facing the merchant. Emphasize the force of the scream by showing the merchant’s hair and clothes being blown back by Tim’s scream. Merchant’s eyes are closed, he is shaking slightly. TIM (Screaming): AH! So annoying! Is this how you wake up people?! I heard you the first time, old geezer!

PANEL 2: Tim already vented and is transitioning out of his anger. Tim is standing up (still in a side view) but his fists are closed to his side. He is still angry but not his mouth is closed in an exaggerated pout.SFX: HMMMF

PANEL 3: Tim looks to his left where the merchandising is as if he just noticed it. You can see his arms moving in a quick blur (as if he is getting something from it – and additional panel may be needed to show the action – he is stealing apples from the cloth sacks).

PANEL 4: Show from the front, Tim starts walking away. His eyes closed, face still showing annoyance. He is munching on an apple and throwing another one in the air with the other hand. You can see a little over his shoulder on the right. The merchant is trembling examining the cloth sacs that Tim had been laying on. His expression is of extreme sadness (he could be crying profusely for comic effect).TIM (left): Jeeez! You can’t even nap in peace anymore!Merchant (right): Oh, no! My apples! They’re… ruined!

PAGE 7

PANEL 1: Show a side view of Tim throwing away the remainder an apple and starting to bit into the other one. He looks happy.TIM: Hmm… These are yummy!

PANEL 3:Tim is turning around and coughing.SFX: Cough, cough.TIM (annoyed): What now-

PANEL 4:Show Sandy (full body). This is her introductory shot. She can bleed through the edges of the panel. You can see details of her face and clothing shown here. Sandy is wearing her slum clothes with the hoody. All of her hair is tucked into the hoodie, so you can’t really see it (you may see one or another strand of hair peeking out). Behind her you can see a busy market street with the setting sun behind her. She is happy, waving as if greeting/calling Tim’s attention. SANDY: Timmy! BOX (near Sandy, as an introductory “tag” of sorts – can be omitted if you think it is cheesy): Sandy Wechsler.

PAGE 8

PANEL 5: Show a side view of Sandy. She is standing with her hands near her face, pretending to be posing and showing Tim her hair.SANDY: What do you think? I just got a new cut.

PANEL 2: Tim closes his eyes and throws the other apple away (over his shoulder to the back). He is talking with his mouth full.TIM: Pfft. Why you even bother? (Separate bubble) It’s not like I can see it, you know?SFX: Munch, munch

PANEL3: Sandy makes face that is a mixed of annoyed and sad. Her right hand into her hoodie, as if she is touching her hair.SANDY: Hey! It is not like I want to hide it okay? But you know my hair stands out…

PANEL 4-6 will be side by side):Show Sandy’s finder pointing (only her hand is visible, the rest is off screen). She is pointing at different girls who are near them, all with different hair colors and hairstyles. The first two have cool hair styles (maybe a little extravagant). The last one has an exaggerated hairstyle that is also very ugly.

PANEL 4:SANDY OFF-PANEL: I would love to leave my hair out for the world to see. (On a separate bubble:) Like that…

PANEL 5:SANDY OFF-PANEL: Or that…

PANEL 6:SANDY OFF-PANEL: Or- Well, definitely, not like that!

PAGE 9

PANEL 1:Sandy looks down off the screen (to the right) as if avoiding looking at Tim (she looks sad). She could be pouting her lips.SANDY: Anyway, It’ not fair… (Separate bubble) Plus, you are the one who insists that I should hide it.SFX: Pout

PANEL 2:Tim had a hand in the back of his head, a little embarrassed for giving Sandy a hard time. He sighing (little sigh “puff” coming out of his mouth) and his eyes are closed.TIM: Jeez… I know.SFX: Sigh.

PANEL 3 (small, detail panel): Show Tim’s hand grabbing Sandy’s (or if cuter, pulling her arm by the sleeve of her hoodie).SFW: Pull

PANEL 4:Show a side view with Tim on the left and Sandy on the right. She is surprised. His face is down; you cannot see his eyes (covered by shadow). This is almost like a sequence from a Shoujo manga.SANDY: Huh?

PAGE 10

PANEL 1: TIM: We should go buy you a new hairpin. You know? (Separate bubble:) To go with your new hair… (Separate bubble:) Then you can wear it every time it is just the two of us.Tim says, blushing a little. They faces were very close.

PANEL 3:They realize how close they are and look away, shy. Maybe show a little leave passing by them.SFX: Silence

PANEL 4:Tim and Sandy start walking side by side. Each a little embarrassed and look in opposite directions. Tim is on the left.TIM: I wish… (Separate bubble) I wish things could be different.SANDY: Yeah… (Separate bubble) Me too.CHARACTER OFF PANEL (screaming): AAAAHH! STOP IT!

PANEL 5: Time and Sandy turn around to see what is going on.SFX: ???

PAGE 11

PANEL 1:In front of Tim and Sandy a woman is being dragged out of a shop and onto the streets. Two Its are holding her arms and dragging her dragging out of the salon. A Soul Guardian is coming out as well, and you can see him partially as he is coming through the door. The sign of the shop says: Hairdresser. You can only see the back of Tim and Sandy’s heads.

PANEL 2:Show as the Soul Guardian’s passes the woman from the side view (he is moving to the left). You cannot see his eyes, just the reflection on the glasses. His expression is neutral.The woman’s face is in clear view. Her eyes are closed as she struggles. She is shivering of fear. You can see part of the its (their arms mostly) as they hold her in place with no effort.SFX (woman): Struggle, struggle.

PANEL 3: Frontal view of Tim and Sandy. Tim is on the left (under the Soul Guardian). Sandy is on the right (under the woman). They are reacting to the scene. Both are extremely surprised by what they are seeing.TIM THINKING: What the- (Separate bubble:) He is…SANDY THINKING: She’s my…

PAGE 12

PANEL 1:Detail shot: show the Soul Guardian’s right hand grabbing the woman’s hair).

PANEL 2:The Soul Guardian is now facing the woman. She woman is on her knees in front of the Soul Guardian, he is turning her face up, to him, by pulling her hair. She is wincing due to the pain and crying profusely. He, on the other hand, is talking to her very calmly, his expression is of amusement.SOUL GUARDIAN: I am searching for a little someone. When I asked you about it, you feigned ignorance. I, however, know for a fact that you are a liar. And how do I know that? Well, let me just say we found...WOMAN (mumbling – the Soul Guardian not paying any attention): Oh please… I beg you… Please…

PANEL 3 :Focus on the Soul Guardian’s other hand. He is holding bunches of white hair.SOUL GUARDIAN: THIS!

PANEL 3:Tim’s head is down, his eyes covered by shadows; his mouth is loose, showing as if he is in shock. Sandy is startled by the hair.SFX (Sandy): GaspSANDY (right of panel): My hair!

PANEL 4:Sandy turns to Tim.SANDY (whispers): Timmy, she-

PANEL 5:Show the lower view from the front-side, from Tim’s side. Sandy stopped talking when she sees Tim’s face. His face is still lowered, his eyes are still wide open, he is petrified, the perfect mask of terror. Tears are in the corner of his eyesTIM, THINKING (left of panel): He… from back then… Why…SANDY: Tim?!SOUL GUARDIAN OFF-PANEL (toward the right of the panel): Now…

PAGE 13

PANEL 1:View of Soul Guardian from the Hair dresser’s POV. We can see the back of the woman’s face. The Soul Guardian still looks mad and menacing, with a half-smile on his lips. The woman is terrified. She is trembling, fighting the tears, and sobbing.SOUL GUARDIAN: I will give you one last chance to be a nice girl and cooperate with me. (Separate bubble) Have you seen a teenaged girl with white hair in this neighborhood?SFX: Sob, Sob, Sob. Pant, Pant.WOMAN: …

PANEL 2: The woman suddenly looks to the side and sees something that startles her. Focus on her face. It’s as if she is looking at the readers. Use expression lines in the background to show the woman’s realization.

PANEL 3:In this panel we show what the woman saw. She is looking directly at sandy, Show the crowd but focus on Sandy. Tim is next to Sandy, but he is not the focus either. Tim’s eyes are covered by shadow. I would recommend using a gray screen tone that fades into white where Sandy is and using focus lines. Sandy has a terrified look on her face.SFX: Chatter ChatterSANDY, thinking: She’s going to tell on me!

PANEL 4:Focus on sandy. Sandy shuts her eyes real hard as if she does not want to see what is going to happen. Tears start to show in the corner of her eyes.SANDY, THINKING: Please don’t! Please don’t! I beg you!

PANEL 5: The woman’s expression softens. She still has tears on the side of her eyes but she is no longer crying. Her expression is as if she pitied Sandy (not in a bad way).

PAGE 14

PANEL 1:The Soul Guardian lowered himself so his face is almost leveled with the woman’s. The focus is on their faces and expressions. The Soul Guardian is clearly mad, all amusement and sarcasm are removed from his face. The woman’s expression has also changed drastically. She is now staring defiantly into the man’s eyes. The Soul Guardian is yanking the woman’s hair and she gasps in pain. SOUL GUARDIAN: You better say something soon, you slum vermin. Say something or I will-SFX: Ouch

PANEL 2: Woman’s face is down. She is collecting all of her courage to do she needs to do (sweat drops show). She is biting her lips in anger.

PANEL 1 (larger panel):Show the top view of the scene as if we are looking from above, behind the Soul Guardian’s head. This allows us to see the woman’s face from above, as she is looking at the Soul Guardian and talking (half screaming). Her arms are being held by the Its behind her, one on each side. You can see the crowd organized as a circle around them, watching. You don’t have to show Tim and Sandy, but just keep in mind they are there and maybe we see the top of their heads from above. The woman is spilling all the anger she ever held back in her life.WOMAN: You saying that you’ll take my soul like you took my husband’s and my son’s? (Separate bubble:) You saying that I should shake in fear and take your insults quietly? (Separate bubble:) I should just go ahead and obey you? (Separate bubble:)Well, I’ll give ya something, alright, just ain’t gonna be no information.

PANEL 2:The woman spits on the Soul Guardian’s face. He stands his ground. The spit hits him right on the glasses.SFX: Spit

PANEL 3:Show a frontal view of the Soul Guardian. You can see the shadows od the crow behind him. He wipes off the spit from his face and glasses with one hand. His expression is neutral. You still cannot see his eyes.SFX: Chatter, Chatter.

PANEL 4:Detail shot of the Soul Guardian’s face, only show the lower half so we can see he is smiling (an evil perverted smile).

PAGE 16

PANEL 1:Show a view of the Soul Guardian from below. He stands tall, stoic even. One of his arms is outstretched, for theatrics.SOUL GUARDIAN: Let it be known that I, A Soul Guardian of the Government of the One, gave this woman a fair chance to redeem herself through cooperation with our investigation. (Separate bubble:) Her debts of 100,000 Soul Points would have been forgiven if such collaboration had been provided.

PANEL 2: Show the woman on her knees still, looking up at the Soul Guardian. He is no longer holding her hair, but the Its are holding her from behind (though you only see their hands holding her arms and the lower half of their bodies). Her eyes are closed. Her expression is serene but resolute. Her head is slightly down, but not in submission; more like in acceptance. She knew what the consequences of her actions were going to be.SOUL GUARDIAN OFF-PANEL: Nonetheless, this woman… no, this slum vermin has refused to cooperate and stands on the path of Justice.

PANEL 3:Show the Soul Guardian’s POV. His hand appears on the show, pointing at the woman’s face. She still has her eyes closed. Focus lines on the woman.SOUL GUARDIAN, OFF-PANEL: By the authority invested in me, by the Government of the One. Woman, I will now collect your debt.

PANEL 4:The woman turned to Sandy, her eyes still closed. She is smiling to Sandy as if saying something to her. (All of this is happening in a fraction of a second).

PAGE 17

PANEL 1:Show Sandy, once again from the POV of the woman. Sandy is stretching her hand out to the woman, she is terrified. SANDY THINKING: NO!!!

PANEL 2:Side view, Sandy gasps in surprise. One of Tim’s arms is coming from behind her and pressing her back against his chest. His other hand is holding her hand, back. You can only see the lower half of his face as he talks to her.TIM, TO SANDY (WHISPER): DON’T.

PANEL 3: Detail shot of Soul Guardian’s face. The Side view only shows enough of his face to show his glasses. Expression lines shows he just noticed something.

PANEL 4:Show the Soul Guardian’s face. It is slightly cocked forward and you can see his eyes ovr the glasses. He is looking directly in the direction where Tim and Sandy would be (his right). He is bearing his trademark sarcastic smile on his lips.SOUL GUARDIAN, THINKING: There you are! (separate bubble) Let’s see how you like this.

PANEL 5: Focus on the Soul Guardian’s left hand. He is pulling his Soul gauntlet into place with the right hand. Show the inside of his gloves lighting up.

PAGE 18-19 (spread):

PANEL 1 (Most of the spread):The woman is kneeling. Soul Guardian has his hand on her forehead; the tips of his fingers are grabbing the woman’s head (like a player grabs a basketball). Energy is coming out of the woman’s skull and flowing into the Soul Guardian’s glove. The Its are shown holding her. The Soul Guardian’s expression is triumphant; he is not looking at the woman: he is looking at Sandy and Tim.WOMAN, SCREAMING (the scream grows in size and cuts through the full length of both pages): AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

PANEL 2 (vertical panel – panels 2-4 take the right two thirds of page 17):Show Tim behind Sandy, pressing her against him with his arm. Sandy is shaking and crying profusely.SFX: Sob, Sob.

PANEL 3:Tim turns around and starts pulling Sandy with him into the crowd that is behind them. Sandy is leaving a trail of tears after her.

PANEL 4: They are gone. You can see the crowd starting to close into the space where they previously were.

PAGE 20

PANEL 1:Show the woman’s body on the floor, unconscious. Right now, the readers will not know she is just an unconscious, soulless human being, they will believe she is dead. There is a lot of chatter in the background, from the crowd.SFX: Chatter, Chatter

PANEL 2:One of the Its approaches the Soul Guardian whispering. You can see them from the chest up in the panel. The Soul Guardian’s head is cocked to the side where the It is approaching him (left of panel). His eyes are looking sideways as if momentarily paying attention to what the It is saying.IT (mechanical voice – different speech bubble would be good): Should we pursue them, sir?

PANEL 3:Detail shot of the Soul Guardian’s smile. SOUL GUARDIAN: HEH

PANEL 4: View from waist up of the Soul Guardian, both Its further back behind him. All viewed from below. The Soul Guardian has a perverse smile on his face.SOUL GUARDIAN: Why end it so soon? (Separate bubble:) There’s no thrill in the catch. The real thrill’s in the hunt.

CHARACTERS:

Spoiler

Asher Jones

Asher is a good friend of Sandy and Tim. Asher experienced many of the hardships of the slums from early in his childhood. He served as mentor when Tim found himself orphaned, despaired, and hopeless suddenly thrown into the horrific life in the Slums.

Asher is very good-spirited and a goof. He will provide much needed comic relief to a dark story, in a dark setting, about dark themes. I hope you enjoy the design by Jeff Nice.

Sandy Wechsler

While Asher was Tim's guide and gave Tim the tools to survive in the slums, Sandy was the hope Tim much needed. She was his motivation to do better, to be a better person, to dream for a life out of the slums someday.

Sandy is also the main driver of Tim's motivations. She has white hair and purple eyes - for a reason. She is aesthetically perfect. She came into Tim's life approximately 4 years before the start of the story on the demo and they have grown closer as time passed. Where you see Sandy, you see Tim, and vice-versa. Tim is very protective of her, and will do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

Whatever. It. Takes.

Tim Branches

He is the MC. Most of the story will be seen from his point of view, alternating, at times, with Sandy's and Asher's.

Orphaned during his early teens, Tim found himself alone in the world. Although he did not often think about it, he knew, deep inside, that he would not be alive were it not Asher's help and guidance.

Stubborn, loud, and over-protective, he still managed to keep his friends close and to conquer their love over the time they spent together, to the point they are inseparable. Sometimes, his one-track mind will make him act impulsively and face great obstacles, unprepared. It is this undying drive however, and his undisclosed, unconditional love for Sandy that will be the main force behind the story.

Do not mistake this for a romance. It is a dystopian sci-fi story where religious and philosophical ideas will be debated. The theme is dark, but I hope that, once out, Tim's actions will show you there is still hope then, among the hopeless.

Soul Guardian

He is the incarnation of evil in the Soul Wars Demo. He is a public servant of the highest order in the story, which takes place in the future. Think of him as a special forces agent responsible for tracking high targets for collection of debts, as well as threats to the Government of the One's security.

You will see more from him throughout the story when it comes out. I will try not to spoil too much for now.

As for the story... I love the whole suspense as to why they are looking for Sandy--either because of her white hair, or they're merely using her white hair as a way of identification. Makes me wonder. Wondering's good. :)I also really like the Soul Guardian and the way he's into 'the hunt.' :) Those bad guys (I am assuming that at this point, he is the 'bad guy,' anyways, XD) are usually really cool, though can also be hard to handle. I have no doubt you'll be able to make him stay awesome, though. :)

Good luck writing this book and making the manga!!! ^-^ Though I suppose luck doesn't have much to do with it... Well, anyways, I hope it all goes well for you! ^-^

Logged

"I write because I find the world is missing a person, a scene, or a creature and it is my job to fill the void." ~ Unknown

The woman's sudden change of attitude didn't made much sense to me. At one point she is crying in the floor begging for her life and the next one she is suddenly all defiant spitting in the guys face. Thats a 180 turn in a split second.

What didn't made much sense either was the guy noticing sandy and then just letting her go. Enjoying the hunt? May as well have him say "I don't want to chase them so the story doesn't end in 20 pages". Why is it important to have the bad guy notice the girl there? It was already clear to the reader that they are looking for her.

Also, the most logical reaction for Sandy would be to get away form there the second she notices them. Not to wait there right in the front part of the crowd and watch the execution or whatever that was, risking being seen.