Category Archives: Sex Therapy

Now that we are approaching the holiday season a lot of folks have planned to visit extended family to celebrate Thanksgiving, Mawlid-al-Nabi, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Year’s. As a couples and sex therapist, my associate therapists and I continually hear common themes and concerns among our CLS clients regarding upcoming plans and their sexual lives.

In a recent report by the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, in 48.3 percent of families with heterosexual couples, both husband and wife were employed. While the remaining American families may have a parent that is child rearing or unemployed, most couples in our Center (including those couples without children, those that identify as LGBTQ, and those that have consensual non-monogamous relationships) report feeling exhausted by long hours, demanding bosses, and a lot less time for self-care than in that past few years. Most workers have limits on the number of vacation days they’re allowed to take in a calendar year so saving these days for going home for the holidays with the fam can take a good bite out of that bank of person time off .

The essential questions my associate therapists and I often hear from couples in our offices at CLS is:

“How can we have a real vacation during a visit to our families for the holidays?”

They are asking essentially: are the two terms literally an oxymoron when combined?
Here are a few common questions partners have posed in recent sessions leading up to anticipated Thanksgiving and Christmas visits to family on their valuable vacation days off work and my responses:

Why do we have to do what everyone else in your family does for every minute of the day?

Set up a dinner with each other before your travel date to specifically discuss what kind of rhythm each day could have, what parents or relatives may expect of each of you, and what each partner is hoping to get out of the vacation/visit. Then brainstorm compromises around taking time away from the whole group at less peak events (going for a drive after post-Thanksgiving breakfast, scheduling a couples massage Christmas Day afternoon in lieu of watching a movie with everyone else). Lastly once you come up with a plan, make sure the partner whose family is being visited tells their family what to expect a week or more before the holiday with specific details so that they have time to get used to it.

Credit: Deposit Photos

I don’t want to stay up late drinking since I want to use my vacation to exercise every morning but how can I do that without getting flack?

Many families have a tradition of heavy drinking during these holidays. For relatives who are either less into partying or actually in sober recovery, family holidays can be really challenging. Some people are trying to eat healthier by staying away from high caloric food and having lots of alcohol and high sugar foods around can be a high pressure situation. For those whose ideal vacation is to maintain or catch up on an exercise regimen, the ongoing lounging on the couch and watching football or movies can prove to feel like pressure to join in. Will you get a guilt trip from a parent or continual ribbing by siblings for going to bed earlier than the rest of the family or joining the breakfast crowd an hour later due to your morning run/yoga/cycling session? Once you tell your family you’ll be following a particular rhythm over your break, let them know you’re looking forward to spending time with them and perhaps invite them to a class or run with you so that you have an ally in that domain and start a new tradition.

How do we prepare and protect our partner when it comes to touchy topics?

Many partners feel like they either have full permission to express what they want with their in-laws while some feel like they have to walk around on eggshells for fear of stepping on a sensitive topic and blowing a landmine that explodes. For example, a boyfriend expressed his openness about a friend’s decision not to have children during a family meal at his girlfriend’s parents’ home last Thanksgiving. His girlfriend’s mother blanched and immediately excused herself from the table while his girlfriend shot him an accusatory look.

The mood turned into a frigid stone silence and the boyfriend was wondering what he had done wrong. When they returned to their room, the girlfriend began blaming him for being so emotionally clueless regarding bringing up the topic of children since her mother had always expressed her desire for grandchildren and the idea of not having grandchildren depressed her. He became defensive and argued that he was clueless because she hadn’t given him any clues!

I invite the partner whose relatives are being visited to act as an emissary and to prepare their partner by setting boundaries on subjects that might be hot topics and to be an ally to their partner when discussing issues and/or plans each day. This is the way partners can care for their mates and relationship while also keeping the peace with their family of origin culture.

How do we help our partners or spouses feel like this time is also made special for them?

Credit: Deposit Photos

Plan to take some time as a couple away from the larger family unit to have some fun. This could include a visit to a local site, a hike at a nearby park or a grabbing a pint at a favorite pub. One couple decided to go out dancing at a club they used to frequent as a teenager after their parents headed off to bed one night, another partner booked a couples massage Friday afternoon while the rest of the family went Black Friday shopping assuring their relatives they’d be back to help prepare a family dinner.

How can we have sex when we’re sleeping in a guest room near the family room?

Use this vacation/visit to add creativity to your sexual repertoire:

Create playful rules about noise and use blindfolds and tape to limit sight and sound to enhance sex play.

Plan to give one another sensual massages with oil from a warm wax candle as a fun way to create outercourse or foreplay while the rest of the family go to sleep, then you have options for what comes next.

Stay home while the rest of the family go out for a pickup football game and have a quickie in the shower.

Wishing you a restful, emotionally and sexually satisfying holiday season with your lover and your families. Happy Holidays!

When Bad Things Happen to Good People, the world seems more fragile

When Robert Bowers, the gunman who ran into The Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh this past Saturday he murdered 11 innocent people and wounded 6 more. The event also tore into the fabric of the American community’s sense of safety, respect and collective faith in the country.

Each time there’s been a traumatic event in the US whether it’s a terrorist threat (the bomb packages allegedly sent by Cesar Soyac last week), the Las Vegas shooting one year ago at the Harvest Music Festival and the riot allegedly incited by white supremacists RAM members in Charlottesville, Virginia last year, clients come in to sessions and are palpably frightened. They are seeking a place to express their feelings of rage, fear and vulnerability (many of the bomb packages were mailed to locations all around Manhattan). The rabbi of the Tree of Life Synagogue described receiving letters of condolence and support from people all over the world. The media shows communities spontaneously gathering to hold candlelight vigils in cities around the USA. What does a therapist who specializes in sex therapy advise after a traumatic event that shakes a nation like this? How does this even connect with one’s sex life?

Vulnerability and Sex

One of the main challenges for clients in my group practice Center for Love and Sex, is the longing they have for more meaningful sex. This can come in the form of wanting more frequent sex with their partner or spouse. It can also present as the desire to express a long-held fantasy to a partner in order to feel more whole in their sexual expression. It also can be described as the wish to lower one’s anxiety so as to feel more present and freer in partnered sex. For many of these presenting problems, anxiety is a large contributor to the challenge. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of American, anxiety disorders affect approximately 40 million US adults aged 18 and older.

One might not be surprised that folks who already suffer from anxiety will feel a spike in their anxiety levels when a mass shooting or terrorist attack occurs. According to a Gallup Poll taken soon after the Las Vegas mass shooting 39% of Americans are either very worried or somewhat worried that they or someone they love will become a victim of a mass shooter. These levels were similar to a poll taken right after the San Bernadino mass shooting. So how do people with anxiety seek out comfort? What is interesting to me is that while most of my female clients (whatever their sexual orientation) feel comfortable in seeking out comfort verbally from their partner or friends, most of my male clients are reluctant to ask their partner/spouse directly. However, they may ask indirectly by initiating some type of physical touch, whether a cuddle, a hug or some sort of more direct sexual signal. Why might that be?

Men and Comfort, an oxymoron?

Most men are acculturated to repress their fear outwardly. They’re taught that to be “real” men they need to be tough and indifferent because that is the way you win and get ahead. Never show your hand when it comes to cards, in business and at times in romantic relationships. Thus there’s a small menu of emotions that are socially sanctioned in American life (although there’s some variance depending on your cultural background). Some of these common emotional expressions include: anger, rage, disdain, belittling others (either in humor or with aggression), frustration, disgust and physical extensions of these emotions.

American men (this includes those that identify as gay, bisexual and queer) are taught that they have to be the ones that their partners can lean on. But in the years I have worked with men from diverse ethnic, cultural, religious and orientations, I have witnessed there’s one place they can experience a wider menu of emotions. This is in the sexual and erotic realm. Through a sexual scenario a more vulnerable side (even if most men aren’t even conscious of it) emerges, and sex isn’t just something he is performing or doing. It becomes the place he goes to be held, rocked, whispered to allowing him to feel accepted, loved and yes comforted.

Meaning of Sex and Death Anxiety

When I work with men I help them become more aware of their own fears and how they might learn how to express their worries and concerns to their partners in other ways beside being withdrawn, belligerent, complaining or in some cases angry when their partners turn them down for sex. I help them uncover what sexual activity with their partner means to them in the larger significance of their lives. For some it is a return to connection that is beyond having to prove themselves, for others it’s a space they can be gentle givers of pleasure, for others it’s where they’re given free reign to lead which quiets their fear of lack of control in the outside world. And for others it’s a haven from death.

Death Anxiety and The Lack of Living Fully

Irving Yalom, the famous existential therapist and writer has written about his theory of death anxiety can keep people from truly living deeply, including shutting off their sexual desires. He wrote: ““…the more unlived your life, the greater your death anxiety. The more you fail to experience your life fully, the more you will fear death.” But when faced with death either through a terminal illness or at the top of the World Trade Center, a man urgently calls their partner and/or family to tell them in an emotionally authentic voice how much they love them, finally freed of society’s chains of decorum.

Ask for Comfort without Shame

When a massively violent event occurs like the Tree of Life Shooting last weekend, it tears into our day to day lives and threatens our own sense of safety. It is the human condition to want to reach out, to hold a partner close and to give and get comfort through touch. It’s our primal urge when we’re born and it’s a haven against our own fears regarding our own eventual deaths. I always let clients know that inside all of us are the children we used to be; playful, eager to learn, and longing to be comforted when we’re frightened. This need is not something to be ashamed of. The increase in mass shootings are fear-inducing for all Americans and for all humans. If you have a partner, let your guard down, tell them of your fears and invite them to comfort you and offer yours to them. If you don’t have a partner, reach out to friends, your community, attend one of the hundreds of interfaith vigils that are still occurring across the country and offer to give and receive a hug. The only way through this is to confront pure hate with pure love and authentic comfort.

Modern sex, digital dating, hookups and contemplating past sex with a partner are all topics covered in THE LIST Kirra Cheers’ upcoming immersive photography project in NYC. I am so looking forward to leading a talkback after the May 19th show which poses the question “what would your exes say about you?” after a friend gave her a list he had made of all the sex partners and experiences he had had.

Here’s a preview interview with her. For those of you who don’t know Kirra’s work, she is the photographer behind the viral sensation Tinderella in which she photographed the men with whom she went on dates gleaned from Tinder to explore different aspects of modern digital dating life.

WHY?

SC: It seems like this piece flowed out of your first show Tinderella, that was a study on digital dating, what was the initial spark that was triggered when you were gifted the List? What were some of the questions about sex you were looking to answer?

KC: I saw the list of names as a puzzle. Each name represents a moment in time they shared together. I wanted to know, if I could piece together the moments, what would the narrative of his life look like? As with Tinderella, I play the role of the unreliable narrator, calling for the audience to reflect on their list and how people might judge them based on their time together. This experience of self reflection is different for everybody based on age, gender and individual experiences. Where one person might question, how many is too many? Another might reflect on how much they have changed as a person or who they may have hurt along the way.

HOW?

SC: In the work of sex therapy, we help clients get comfortable, get embodied, and help them articulate what it is they’re looking for in a sexual scenario? Did you find that the majority of partners with whom K had sex were open about their needs with him?

Kirra Cheers, The LIST

KC: As a society, we are used to being fed this lie that men want sex more than women. I think that women are more sexually adventurous than we give them credit for. There was definitely this conversation about wanting sex and expecting so be satisfied but there seemed to be a communication breakdown in exactly how to achieve that goal. This might be because they didn’t feel comfortable expressing their needs or perhaps they were still exploring their sexual desires.

SC: Often I hear from men who are single and dating that they aren’t as concerned about their partner’s sexual pleasure if they’re clear the sex is a hook-up and they’re not interested in getting emotionally close with them. Did you hear a range of reflections on how giving K was in the bedroom? Did it tend to coincide with how long they saw one another?

KC: Reviews on his sexual performance vary greatly. Everything from, the sex was “transactional” to it’s “the craziest sex I’ve ever had”. Hard to believe they were talking about the same person. I think it had more to do with how attractive he perceived them to be and therefore, how much time and effort he was willing to invest.

CONSENT

SC: Given the viral nature of the #CatPerson story in the New Yorker this past December, were there many women who expressed ambivalence during the act that they felt unable to express? Did many partner regret the experience? It sounds like one woman felt that the hookup was not consensual on their part? Did she ever tell him?

KC: I spent some time reflecting on why she opened up to me and chose to share her experience. I think that this was her way of telling him. It’s a hard read and unfortunately an experience that I believe most women will relate to in some way. There seems to be this accepted grey zone where it’s ok to pressure someone into an experience they’re not comfortable with. I used to think it was a matter of education but I’m not so sure anymore. Men understand consent, they just choose to ignore it. I think the problem lies in a power dynamic that has been exploited for far too long.

SC: Were these hookups freeing for some of the women who, like K were looking for sexual expression without commitment? What else did they discover about themselves in the process?

KC: Absolutely – many of the women on ‘The List’ are at a stage in their early adult life where they are exploring what they like and don’t like. It was refreshing to hear about women taking control of their sex life and feeling “empowered” by the experience.

TRANSFORMATION

SC: When sex therapists conduct what’s called a sexual history in therapy, we are looking to find out the influences on the way a person regards themselves as a sexual person, the influences of home, culture religion and how they explored their desire if they were allowed to. Did you feel his journey through these encounters/relationships had an intention behind it, questions he wanted answered or was their more emphasis on proving something to himself or others?

Kirra Cheers

KC: I ended the project at no.38 because I felt that he was beginning to have experiences just so they could be documented. In fact, I would go as far to say that he enjoys having an audience and has continued to explore that thrill in his sex life. As a somewhat quiet or shy person in his day to day life, I think he enjoys exploring a different side to himself when it comes to sex.

SC: What most surprised you about the way your own relationship changed with K over the period of the project? Did you discover further vulnerabilities of his as you delved further into the project? Do you feel his choices of partners reflected a wide palette of facets to his personality or were they more similar than you could have guessed?

KC: We definitely became closer friends over the time that I worked on the project. He allowed me full access to his personal life and at no time seemed embarrassed or uncomfortable with the information that was shared. I was very impressed, if the tables were turned I may have had a crisis of identity. He seemed content to accept that this was their experience, even if it differed from his own.

INTENTION

SC: Why do you think K gifted the list to you in the first place?

KC: K enjoys surrounding himself with interesting or eccentric people that can orchestrate different experiences for him. For K, this was the ultimate walk down memory lane. He is now in a committed relationship and I often wonder whether the experience was somewhat of a sexual renaissance, allowing him to grow in a new direction. Perhaps we should all reflect on our list and learn something along the way.

Kirra Cheers’ The LIST

THE LIST runs for a limited engagement Fridays & Saturdays, May 18-26 at 10pm at the Steve and Marie Sgouros Theatre (115 MacDougal Street). Tickets can be purchased online for $20 at https://thelistbykirracheers.com/.

While I’m not sure in what order they should be listed, I have spent years helping people say the unsayable, articulate what turns them on, and supporting their journeys in coming to terms with the particular consensual erotic interests they find most compelling. At CLS, we also help those who tell us they have a porn addiction or who find that their porn gazing has become out-of-control. In a recent performance called “Prurience” created and performed by Christopher Green at the Guggenheim’s Works & Process Series, Green created a space in The Wright restaurant that while not a safe therapeutic environment, still encouraged some participants/audience members/performers to communicate what they are erotically drawn to when watching porn or how their porn watching became what they deemed to be an addiction.

Christopher Green in “Prurience”

Green invited participants into an unusual immersion/theater which was a combination of a 12-step sex addiction meeting, a confessional, a one-way-mirror-interrogation, and a-funhouse-mirror-maze. I was lucky enough to interview Mr. Green during his show’s run in NYC given how it reflects on some of the issues our clients are confronting given their porn use whether as an out-of-control behavior on their own or wanting to incorporate the fantasies they enjoy with a partner or spouse

I wondered if the impetus to create the piece coincided with the changes in UK laws regarding pornography. Green stated: “Funnily enough no, it happened all at the same time. Suddenly when I was writing it, David Cameron became obsessed with it and started legislating and talking about porn all the time.” In 2013 Prime Minister Cameron proposed having all porn blocked by internet providers in the UK, where Green grew up.

The audience is invited by the person we think of as the leader of the Prurience group, an American artsy-man with an effeminate inflection in his speech played by Green, to make a circle with the chairs as usual before the “meeting” begins. He is apologizing for being late and haphazardly setting up the product table in the corner, offering up swag printed with the Prurience logo. Once settled, he begins the group by asking participants to share their first memory of seeing porn for the first time. This question aligns with many of the questions we ask at CLS when conducting a Sexual History as part of a full bio-psychosocial assessment to learn about our clients, their families of origin, their education regarding sex (formal and otherwise) both through self-pleasuring and/or partner sexuality.

In this immersive theater experience, several participants shared the discovery of their father’s Playboy, or a friend’s older brother’s stash of videos, or searching online at sites like Pornhub. In our practice, clients express how they watched their parents hold hands, or kissed a “crush” for the first time in 5th grade at a friend’s house party or happened upon porn online at age 14. The firsts of our lives leave an imprint, and at times it is so strong that it becomes a go-to fantasy that one seeks to recreate again and again whether in one’s imagination, online, or with a partner.

In “Prurience” we are led to believe that the members of this so-called self-help group are struggling with so called porn addiction. While the term sex addiction was not accepted as a formal DSM5 diagnosis, nor has it been accepted by the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), the terms sex or porn addiction has been popularized enough by people like Patrick Carnes, the unscientific YourBrainonPorn site and the many rehabs that continue to charge thousands of dollars to help people with sexual behavior they may find out of control, sinful, shameful and unfaithful.

At CLS we work with people who struggle with Out of Control Sexual Behavior or hyper-sexual behavior that have put their relationships, family and livelihoods at risk. In a structured, thorough assessment process we discover what other overlapping challenges, potential diagnoses, past trauma and/or relationship dynamics are contributing to the behavior and collaborate with the client on the treatment goals and individualized plans we recommend.

In the Prurience porn addiction meeting one soon hears from people who are revealing ever more detailed descriptions of what they like to watch, what they desire and the level to which these desires haunt their waking and sleeping hours. The comments are sharp, humorous, disturbing, self-flagellating, erotic, disgusted and intriguing.

SC: How important was it for you to create an Uber-reality of a 12-step meeting?

CG: “Yeah, I wanted to unsettle people because one of the effects of porn as we know one of the effects of porn is it’s deeply troubling, or arousing in the fundamental sense of the word. It alerts us and wakes us up…I wanted to try and replicate that in a theatrical setting”.

SC: “Like in a parallel process kind of experience?”

CG: “Yeah, absolutely.”

The term I used in this last question, “parallel process” is a psychotherapeutic term to express the feelings or dynamics that crop up in the relationship between a supervisor and a therapist who is telling the supervisor about a particular client. While relaying the issues, the dynamic may well unconsciously mirror the dynamic that is occurring between the therapist and their client.

In his run on the West End in London, Green told me that some audience members got up at the break and walked out, never to return. They were too disturbed, or embarrassed or uncomfortable to stay through the 2nd part. The topic of porn is still rarely brought up in general therapy but in sex therapy, we try to help clients describe what turns them on so that they can articulate it to their partner(s). If a person is into porn, or erotic novels or other fantasy-type trigger, describing a scene or exchange can help them formulate what it is that fires up their erotic ignition.

Green wondered how I felt at witnessing his role as group leader who didn’t really “hold” the members of the porn addiction recovery group in a safe space by setting clear boundaries on the length of people’s contributions or the intensity of what was shared even when someone seemed to be in a high risk situation. I thought it was an astute question since in fact I was quite aware that the experience was theater and that his playing the role in a passive manner was intentionally done. It certainly unnerved some folks who felt unsure of what was to come. Much like getting on a roller coaster that might make you nauseous, many audience members were rattled by the tea break.

This lack of structure and support that one sees in the group is NOT like a professional therapeutic experience where a therapist lets a client know what comes next in the process, allows the client to ask questions, holds their fears so that they don’t become overwhelmed and may stop someone who becomes hurtful to another. The therapist closely monitors the clients’ experience, and checks in to ensure that the sessions are going at an emotional pace that they can handle.

I asked Green about the fact that the group didn’t seem to have a performer playing a partner who has suddenly discovered their partner/spouse’s compulsive sexual habits and come to the group to express their shocked, hurt and angry reactions. He let me know that in fact in the original version of the piece there had been a female character who had discovered her husband’s porn use and ostensibly came to the meeting as almost one would go to AlAnon to get more education and support but that in the final edits made by the dramaturge, he lost this character which saddens him at times.

In our work with a client wanting help with their compulsive sexual behavior at Center for Love and Sex we at times work with the individual and refer the couple to another therapist for couple/marital counseling. in other cases we’ll work with both the couple and each partner individually if it seems like a better plan. Like any secret kept hidden for years, the ripple effect after the discovery of an out-of-control porn problem has tremendous impact on both the partner with the issue and the relationship. For many of our clients the recovery of Out-Of-Control sexual behavior includes the opportunity to speak about all sorts of issues (including their sex life) which had been swept under the carpet for years.

We help them understand the behavior, treat the underlying or coinciding disorders that might have contributed to the behavior and then help them and their partners begin the long road to rebuilding trust, expressing hurt, articulate anxiety, and describe erotic desires. The split-off part of their self that was continually numbed out through the compulsive behavior can now emerge and be known not only to the individual but to their partner. And the therapist helps them stay grounded through the at times painful, anxiety-ridden process.

I’ll quote Chris Green with his perceptive reflection on therapy and theater to end this blog:

“I think a lot of therapy is sitting with discomfort isn’t it? It’s being able to turn your face towards the thing you normally turn away from. And it’s.. to put that into theater you have to sit with discomfort, you have to encourage people to sit with discomfort. And it’s only through that that we make any breakthroughs in life” .

Since my last post on the #CatPerson story in The New Yorker, we have had numerous sexual stories come out including the babe.net piece in which a woman identified as Grace had with comedian Aziz Ansari which she described as sexual assault, the highly researched story in the WSJ of sexual misconduct and assault allegations against Steve Wynn and the NY Times’ Maureen Dowd interview with Uma Thurman

(Courtesy Deposit Photos)

finally opening up in more detail regarding her sexual harassment allegations against Harvey Weinstein.

Aziz Ansari (Deposit Photos)

The Ansari story left the more than 2.5 readers split on what exactly the experience had been; consensual or coercive or assault? Grace wrote that her experience left her feeling violated while others have described the Ansari date as badly-mannered, insensitive badly communicated or plain ‘meh’ sex. The critical nature of the post #metoo movement requires a much more nuanced, articulate languaging of what is desired, what is possibly of interest, what is considered intrusive, coerced, and unwanted by both partners. The directives of consent need to be discussed at the beginning of an evening and then right before the sexual actions begin as well as during. Why? Since many people drink or use some sort of recreational drugs when hooking up, their ability to give consent changes over time, and especially if they are under the influence.

Have people gone too far in conflating bad sex in which people don’t take responsibility for what they do and don’t want with coercive sex and out-and-out assault in which a person is threatened physically and emotionally by the power of the other person? I think in the first wave of a reckoning the rage that had been building for so long can create a reaction that offers only a black and white, guilty/non-guilty verdict that does not reflect grey.

Given the upcoming Valentine’s Day when singles and newly dating couples go out to have fun, create some romance and potentially have some sexual fantasies in their expectations, I hope these further explicit discussion tips help to create a date that is remembered as sexually consensual, safe, sexy and sweet.

Dating Tips Post #CatPerson

(Courtesy Deposit Photos)

Don’t Have Any Sexual Activity if You’re Drunk, Period!

While I think the main character Margot, a college student obviously regretted her decision to move ahead with having sex with Robert, the 30-something man she met at a university town bar, the sex was not coerced or forced by Robert. Similar to the real Grace of the babe.net story who thought Ansari would have more sensitivity about what she would want and not want to do given his public comedic routines about his avowed feminist identity, both these women had agreed to go ahead with a sexual scenario perhaps for different reasons.

In my sex therapy practice CLS, we frequently see heterosexual women who have felt like they should have sex with a guy for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with healthy sexuality. Some of these reasons include internal dialogues similar to what Roupenian wrote of Margot’s sudden erotic revulsion to the idea of having sex with Robert: “But the thought of what it would take to stop what she had set in motion was overwhelming; it would require an amount of tact and gentleness that she felt was impossible to summon.”

This is one of the key moments to this story. As a sex therapist one of the things I ask clients is to describe their last encounter slowly and describe not only their actions but their internal emotional and cognitive states as well. If these aren’t aligned then the sex will be experienced as mechanical, empty, ‘meh’ or bad. “Cat Person” is not a story of active coercion on Robert’s part, it’s not a story of an older man putting pressure on a younger woman, but it’s a story of woman incapable of expressing her desires in the moment that a certain sexual activity is signaled.

I think that many women related to this story because they felt they weren’t comfortable saying or didn’t have the education to say yes to some sexual activities and no to others.

In the #Catperson story Robert states: “You’re drunk” after she suggests they leave the bar for somewhere else. Margot is drunk and says: “No, I’m not,” though she knows she is. Where is her personal responsibility here? If one has enough awareness that one is drunk they need to state the fact, and go home by themselves. And where is Robert’s confidence in what he perceives as her state to non only insist on driving her home but actually following through and driving her home to wrest on the side of caution? I am not siding with either of these characters but actually holding both of them responsible for creating a safe, sober and perhaps more sexy encounter.

(Courtesy: Deposit Photos)

Check In with A Partner EACH STEP OF THE WAY During a Sexual Encounter

In my last blog I talked about all the ways partners can (sexily) describe what they’re interested in doing, what they’d consider and what are hard limits BEFORE a sexual encounter. What needs to be included in all enounters (whether they’re hookups or between longstanding partners) is a checking in along the way with the full understanding that THINGS CHANGE from moment to moment. Sex is a dynamic, living enactment of desires, fantasies, physical movements, that shift in the process.

In the #Catperson story Margot experiences a major shift in desire when she sees Robert bend down to take off his shoes after removing his shirt and pants.

“Looking at him like that, so awkwardly bent, his belly thick and soft and covered with hair, Margot recoiled.”

These moments happen a lot more often than people admit either to their friends afterwards or to themselves, even when someone isn’t drunk. And it’s okay to change your mind. Let me say this again, it’s okay to change your mind and tell someone: “I think I’m good for now” or “I would rather just cuddle” or “I’m not feeling well now and would like to remain clothed”. In the same way, you can say: “I’m good for now, would rather not drink any more”, without shame, or embarrassment or feeling so uncool or stiff.

But this is how Margot felt about the idea of letting him know her desire had changed:

But the thought of what it would take to stop what she had set in motion was overwhelming; it would require an amount of tact and gentleness that she felt was impossible to summon. It wasn’t that she was scared he would try to force her to do something against her will but that insisting that they stop now, after everything she’d done to push this forward, would make her seem spoiled and capricious, as if she’d ordered something at a restaurant and then, once the food arrived, had changed her mind and sent it back.

Margot (and Roupenian) likened the thought of changing her mind to the embarrassment of returning food at a restaurant and what he would think of her for doing so. This to me is the crux of the story because what so many female readers of this story have described is the pressure they feel in following a man’s directives during a sexual scenario or what they had originally stated (if they did at all) wanting at the beginning of an encounter.

(Courtesy Deposit Photos)

The woman called “Grace” in the babe.net encounter with Aziz Ansari stated:

“He sat back and pointed to his penis and motioned for me to go down on him. And I did. I think I just felt really pressured. It was literally the most unexpected thing I thought would happen at that moment because I told him I was uncomfortable.”

One of the crises in our culture is this moment, the moment of asking and the moment of owning your authentic response. If Ansari was signal-blind, ignorant, drunk or plainly assertive in wanting what he wanted, Grace needed to say:

“Look, I’m really into your massaging my shoulders right now and that’s about it. I don’t want to go down on you, I don’t want to have penetrative sex, this is my limit now so please stop asking for more. It’s turning me off.”

What I hope is that my suggested statement above gets into the “sexual gray area between enthusiastic consent and resigned acceptance” as described by Carolyn Framke in the thoughtful Vox piece as the place the babe.net story fits in the conversation we are having in this post #metoo reckoning.

Know How to Say Yes, Thanks or No, Thanks or a Bit More of That

Whether it’s more sexual acts or the next date, be compassionate about your partner’s feelings. Many of my clients who are dating complain of ‘ghosting’ from people with whom they may have had long text threads, several dates or a 4 month-long relationship. Ghosting is the equivalent to not calling ever again, vanishing without a trace, or being stood up in the old days. One of the elements of Sex Esteem® which I teach to my groups is compassion. If you want to be treated with compassion by others, build a practice of compassion in all parts of your life. This means thinking about how the other person will feel, empathize with them without going beyond your limits and let them know if you’re done.

In The #CatPerson story, Margot avoids letting Robert know she is no longer interested. She thinks about ways to text him but perseverates about the perfect way to do it since they’d had sex but either texts excuses for not being in touch or ignores his texts altogether. And what Robert finally texts is what becomes one of the aspects of the story so many readers reacted to because of his inflammatory misogynistic message calling her “whore”.

Robert is a character, one we know about whom we know very little. But in this rageful, rejected pain expressed in this age-old insult for women who don’t give someone what they want, or who take their own sexuality into their own hands, or who reject someone who wants them, the story depicts a man who can be dropped into what many readers deem a bucket of deplorable men. That is the assumption that most men are perpetrators who you can’t trust. If Roupenian allowed the reader to get to know Robert, to figure out how this rejection triggered other old wounds perhaps, and offered him the opportunity to end by staying in the vulnerable state she had his character initially express when he didn’t hear from Margot, it might have offered a more dramatic view of a man than the original story offered. That of the male human who is openly hurt and vulnerable and remains in this expression.

“O.K., Margot, I am sorry to hear that. I hope I did not do anything to upset you. You are a sweet girl and I really enjoyed the time we spent together. Please let me know if you change your mind.”

Robert could have added: “I’m sorry you feel differently than I do.”

So if you have a date on Valentine’s Day or some time soon please try some of these Sex Esteem® steps before, during and afterwards. If you don’t feel you want to see the person again, think about ending with compassion and grace without malice, without humiliation, without sexist insults.

May we teach our children that speaking out without the fear of retribution is our culture’s new north star.”

In this July blog I wanted to focus on the theme of liberty as it relates to a couple’s sexual relationship because as an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Director of Center for Love and Sex, the majority of our clients come to us seeking help in identifying and/or expressing their unique erotic “pursuit of happiness”. According to Merriam Webster’s definition, liberty is alternatively described as

the quality or state of being free:

a : the power to do as one pleases

b : freedom from physical restraint

c : freedom from arbitrary or despotic control

d : the positive enjoyment of various social, political, or economic rights and privileges

e : the power of choice

When a couple first meets and they seem to click or hit it off they may feel hopeful that they finally found the ‘one’ with whom they can be totally authentic; free of restraints, or arbitrary control, and fantasizing about how they will enjoy one another to the fullest including in their sexual connection. Perhaps after that first date where they make out or the morning after they lay next to one another in the nude, the endless imagined erotic freedoms seem to pop like Independence Day firecrackers during passionate daydreams. The last definition of liberty, namely “the power of choice” is where I find many couples get stuck. What do I mean by this? Once the first couple of years have passed, many couples find that the original sexual fireworks have mellowed to the flickering of candles with an occasional pop of a sparkler or firecracker. At this point, many couples tell us that they have become so close to their partner they feel like they have literally become ‘family’, experiencing the other more like a sibling or best friend. What happened to that erotic thrill they felt when their partner was less known? Why has their erotic connection lost its sizzle?

Once partners become joined, very frequently they may unconsciously regard the other under the same category as a member of their family of origin. What can become triggered are the many restraints one felt growing up in their particular family including restrictions dictated by: religion, community, and their particular culture. Those rules, boundaries and traditions may cause them to erect walls inside their minds leaving them powerless to choose who they want to be in their sex life.

A client at CLS who was engaged to be married was working hard with her sex therapist to recover from the Genito-Pelvic Pain Penetrative Disorder so that she could honestly tell her priest that she would be ready to “perform her wifely duties” once they wed. This priest had not asked about what she looked forward to in her sex life, nor did he ask her fiancé if he was ready to give pleasure to his fiancée once they were wed. The Roman Catholic ideal of wife and husband having intercourse was focused more on procreation than bonding, pleasure and intimacy for both partners.When I use the phrase “who they want to be in their sex lives”, I mean what fantasy they want to enact, what sexual acts they may want to try with their partner(s), and/or what kind of erotic power exchange they may have dreamt of playing in the bedroom. Do they want to be consensually taken, ravaged, or overtaken by their lover? Are they hoping to play out a scene from a movie that turns them on? Do they want to dress in particular clothing that heightens their arousal?

Couples can become what David Schnarch in his respected book Passionate Marriage describes as “emotionally fused” when they fall for one another and the idea of a person making the choice to express a desire that might differ from a partner/spouse’s can lead to their partner expressing ridicule, disdain, disgust or abandonment because it is alien, kinky or frightening. The partner who is hearing the request or fantasy may not even have to say a word but the roll of the eye, or raising of an eye brow may be all it takes to indicate surprise scorn. Like a firecracker going off the partner quickly shuts down further requests of new or different sexual interests for fear of losing their partner, not to mention wanting to avoid feeling put down, rejected or just plain weird.

Recently when I asked a married het couple (I’ll call them Chloe and John to protect their identities) who were having trouble infusing their sex life with more passion and excitement, if they had seen, read or heard something recently that turned them on and kept it to themselves. The wife tentatively began telling me how she and her husband loved to watch Showtime’s series Billions together. When the scene of the lawyer Chuck Rhoades (played by Paul Giamatti) is being tied up by his wife Wendy (Maggie Siff) she quietly said that she noticed some tingling in her genitals. Her husband looked at her in surprise in the session as if seeing a new woman emerging. I asked her what happened next with this awareness and she said: I was turned on by the sensation and the scene but didn’t think I could share this with John, he would think it was weird.

So what happened in your body after you edited yourself, I asked. She looked down and said, the sensation went away and we continued to watch the show. I reflected that she had chosen to let the feeling go because she didn’t feel permitted to include what she considered transgressive turn-ons with John. Then I checked in with him and wondered what was going on in his body and mind when he heard this sitting next to her and he said: I was getting a bit turned on hearing her describe the scene, and felt surprised that she didn’t share it with me since I never knew she was into that. In fact, I was turned on watching the scene myself at the time but chose to keep it to myself to protect Chloe from my dirty mind. Each of these partners has remained behind their wall of excitement and passion for fear of how their partner might judge them negatively.

I helped them to anchor their physical experiences so that they don’t run off into analytic explanations and remain true in the session that is free of judgment and shame, so that they stay present with their authentic selves in the presence of their partner who is equally as vulnerable. In various ways with clients, I ask them these questions:

What aspects of ourselves do we choose to keep hidden or private from our partner?

What could shift in an erotic partnership if we choose to become more vulnerable, playful and curious with ourselves and one another?

These are the questions that have been continually asked by artists, scientists and creative thinkers for generations. My colleague Esther Perel asks in her latest Podcast, Where Should We Begin?, how can you want what you already have? The teacher and writer Alton Wasson offers participants of his Contemplative Dance workshops the metaphor of moving and witnessing the mover as an experience akin to a “chest of drawers”. Similar to partnered sex in which one partner is engaged in and witnessing/experiencing a partner, the choice to open a drawer to experience an aspect of ourselves and our partners happens only when there is “freedom from arbitrary or despotic control” (Declaration of Independence), meaning free of limits set by an external power. In this case it could mean external societal values, misunderstandings/myths of meaning when it comes to one’s fantasies, or limits placed on gender roles.

Myths or misunderstandings about sex, fantasy and erotic desire begins with a child’s learning from their family, religion and schooling about sexuality. Unfortunately, due to limited subjects being allowed in schools due to Abstinence Only education in the US, and heteronormative focus of sex education, people grow up with the kind of limited information that inhibits them around speaking of their sexual desires with a partner. They may have learned about STIs (formerly known as STDs), or protection like condoms, oral contraceptives and the IUD (why oh why are doctors not telling folks about the female condom, stay tuned for an upcoming blog on this topic!). Many people also believe that their partners should be able to read their mind and automatically know what turns them on. I can say from my clinical experience that it is almost impossible for people to be mind readers and know exactly what turns their partners on sexually without active and open communication.

According to relationship therapy research conducted over many years by John Gottman, open and continual communications are the building blocks of a satisfying relationship). There is often a misperception that too much communication and frankness about sexuality in a relationship may lead to the end of relationship; however, couples who are emotionally and verbally expressive (whether strongly or even in moderation) tend to have long and satisfying relationships. In other words, it is important that partners in a relationship be comfortable expressing themselves in constructive forms of communication. Since partners don’t get this training early on, nor is it modeled for them, they are lost in the woods and revert to silence and emotional shutdown on this critical aspect of their lives. After the early novelty wears off, a couple need more nuanced language to describe what they desire. Couples come to us months and sometimes years into a relationship that has been reduced to a tapering spark.

My mission in creating CLS and the Sex Esteem® model is to provide people the education, the confidence and the curiosity to become more aware of their erotic triggers, their sexual fantasies, and explore the play space of their sexuality with their consciously chosen partners. My background in modern dance and improvisation taught me from a very young age that exploration is fun, that there are no wrong movements (as long as all around you are safe and consensually there) and that you can create

from nothing an experience that is new, unique and fortifying when you are fully free.

Being able to constructively communicate sexual desires to a partner/spouse is not only freeing and gratifying for oneself and one’s partner(s), but the freeing nature of co-creating an experience serves as a bridge to a more intimate, authentic relationship. The rocket needs to be ignited again and again by each person to produce a sustaining spark of passion. And as the Declaration of Independence states “we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.”

Be mindful of your erotic liberty and honor your intentional choices this July to enhance your sex life.

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Center for Love and Sex was founded by Sari Cooper to provide the highest level of care for adults seeking individual, couple or sex therapy. We are committed to bring more joy and fulfillment to our clients’ lives.

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