1. He talks endlessly about boring shit that you would never talk about.

2. He doesn't sit around reading books or doing any of the things that
you value doing.

3. He didn't have an unhealthy desire to please his domineering
parents by studying hard and doing well in school like you did.

4. He likes drinking tall boys and driving his car around in the mud
until it overheats, which can't possibly be more fun than watching
reruns of NYPD Blue every night like you do.

5. He fights with his wife about stupid shit, unlike you  you and your
wife only fight about really important stuff.

6. He thinks that Elvis is the coolest thing since sliced bread when
it's perfectly obvious that the coolest thing since sliced bread is
Elvis Costello.

7. He shops at Walmart because he stupidly lives in a town where there
aren't a wide range of eclectic overpriced boutiques catering to his
every whim.

8. He eats Dinty Moore Beef Stew from the can because he's a complete
pig who didn't learn a thing about manners because his parents weren't
bourgeois social-ladder-climbing swine like yours, and therefore he
doesn't know the overwhelming importance of following strict rules of
etiquette in order to avoid the scrutiny of the offspring of bourgeois
social-ladder-climbing swine like yourself.

9. He lives in very close proximity to his extended family and he hangs
out with them a lot because he doesn't hate his bourgeois
social-ladder-climbing swine parents so much that he feels compelled to
move halfway across the country to get the fuck away from them.

10. He goes to see mindless Hollywood blockbusters like "Gladiator"
which are so idiotic and pointless and so much less entertaining than
renting Monty Python's Holy Grail for the fiftieth time like you did
last weekend.

11. He believes everything he reads in the paper, instead of believing
everything he reads in the alternative weekly paper, like you do.