The Films Of Egg Begley, Jr. (Pt. 3)

The FBI

Egg was Youngblood, the rookie G-man who lets Al Capone slip through his fingers because he leaves his post to get a hamburger sandwich and some french fried potatoes. For the rest of the episode Youngblood is berated by his fellow agents until he finally takes his own life by jumping down an elevator shaft. Egg did the stunt himself and injured his tendon, and he’s never been able to surf since. Hang ten, Egg

Love, American Style

Egg reaches puberty in this episode of “Love, American Style,” but predictably, he fails to hatch. He plays Fuzzy, a lovestruck teen with acne and an erection that won’t take no for an answer. Egg takes his date out to the ice cream social, and everything is fine until Egg is forced to jam his bodacious boner into the carton of Cookies & Cream. The ice cream soothes his aching stinger, but his behavior brings the party to a screeching halt. Two scoops, Egg… two scoops…

Medical Center

Egg played Greg.

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Here Egg played Steve, a manic-depressive TV weatherman with a pocketful of peanut M&M’s. His character’s catchphrase: “Partly-sunny with a chance of suicide,” was rendered humorless by Egg’s lifeless delivery. Series star Louise Lasser shares, “None of us knew the real Egg…and [believe me,] we looked. He was just always… elsewhere.” Egg Begley, your life is calling…

Charlie’s Angels

Egg played Kenny the Rogue Zamboni Boy in the controversial episode “Angels On Skates.” He attempts to flatten Jaclyn Smith in a skating rink while traveling at five miles an hour. She survives, and Egg is captured by the policepeople before the second act. Patience, Egg!

The Smurfs

I swear to God… I’m not making it up. Egg was a Smurf. Begley gave voice to Bagley Smurf, a Smurf so in love with Smurfette that he asked her to marry him. His vocal performance was so moving it could bring tears to your eyes, providing you were already crying about something else. Strangely enough, children rejected Egg’s character and refused to buy the action figure. Producers were forced to kill Bagley Smurf off by having Gargamel crush him with his shoe. What’s the matter with kids these days, Egg?

This Is Spinal Tap

According to showbiz legend, Egg didn’t realize he was making a mockumentary, and actually believed he was joining a real band! “Egg would ask me every day when Spinal Tap’s new record would be coming out in stores,” remembers Director Rob Reiner, “and he seemed strangely disappointed at the cast party when he learned we wouldn’t be touring the Midwest.” This time around the yolk was on Egg.

The Love Boat

Egg hits the high seas as a guest on “The Love Boat,” and the seas hit back. Egg is Allen Bundy, a sex offender who has been sentenced to a cruise as part of his community service. When several of the little girls on board the ship go missing, Egg becomes the prime suspect. But the episode ends happily when it is revealed that Egg was not guilty of molesting the girls at all… they simply slipped off the shuffleboard deck and drowned peacefully in the ocean. Anchors aweigh, Egg!

Walt Disney’s Wonderful World Of Color

Also known as “Egg Single-Handedly Destroys Race Relations In America.” Somehow Egg landed the role of Amos Tucker, a black man in the Old South raising a half-dozen mischievous orphans. He performed the role in blackface, with an offensive stereotypical accent. He made the cover of Time Magazine in August of 1989 with the caption “Bad Egg” superimposed over his face. Today Egg blames the whole incident on a blood-sugar imbalance, and has since apologized profusely to both the NBA and the United Negro College Fund. An Egg is a terrible thing to waste…

The Egg Begley, Jr. Show

Egg finally gets his own show, a chance to showcase all of his great ideas! If only he had any… Egg surrenders to the man by playing Egg ‘Hobo’ Hobart, a slapdash character described by Variety as, “a narcoleptic circus clown on Vicodin.” Egg responded to the criticism by locking himself in the toilet and singing Supertramp’s greatest hits. The show was cancelled after only one episode and Egg was escorted outside studio property by two burly security guards. Take the long way home, Egg.

Pineapple Express

Egg nails the role of Robert, even down to the playful haircut, which showcases Egg at his sexy best. Egg accepted the role because he assumed the film would be shot in Hawaii, but assuming made an ass out of Egg. Still, he plays the role of a cell-phone salesman who just won’t take no for an answer, and he almost convinces you he’s someone other than Egg, which for him is no easy task. Aloha, Egg…

Hannah Montana

Egg drops by to act the role of Woody, the bus driver who brings Hannah and her friends on a class trip to Washington, DC. Egg became profoundly offended when Miley Cyrus made poot during rehearsal, and as a result refused to speak a line of dialogue in the episode. Instead, Egg’s character communicates only through a series of meaningful shrugs and motionless pantomime. Simon says: ‘Egg’!!!