Dream Divers

We meet again, Team Shuriken. Only this time you guys made an actual game instead of a lame ass series of static anime boobies peppered between completely random multiple choice options that are just as likely to lead you to death as they are to advance the story forward. Now then, Dream Divers is a lame ass series of static anime boobies that are peppered between, um, completely random multiple choice options that are, uhhhh, just as likely to lead you to death as they are to.. advance the story forward? Wait, what?

Oh you bastards.

Hey, 18! That means she's legal! Of course, if she was an actual human being, she wouldn't give you the time of day.

Yea, Dream Divers has gameplay more complex than “push one of four buttons and see what happens.” You start up on a ship and use a mechanic similar to one of those double-click things they use in golf video games to decide what position you’ll dive from. Next, you swim around collecting air bubbles and try to find a star. If you get one, you return to the ship. If you die, well, you still return to the ship. In order to stay in the water, you have to get air. The amount of air you have left is represented by a pair of tits. Of course it is.

I figure there’s two types of people who will buy this game: kids whose only option to get risqué games is through XBLIGs, which are not subject to parental lockout due to their lack of ESRB ratings, and losers. Either way, they’re in this to see fake boobies. And I’m not talking about the kind you see in Playboy. If you’ve gone so far as to purchase the game, download it, and begin playing it, the only thing that will hold your attention is the digital tits. In the hour or so I played Dream Divers, I never even noticed the air gauge. It’s pretty obvious when you’re running out of air, because you slow down and eventually stop moving. The picture of breasts is just further pandering to guys playing co-op with Rosy Palm and her five ugly sisters.

As utterly shameless as Team Shuriken is, and they are, Dream Divers is not a complete abortion of a game. Exploring underwater caverns is fun. They make entire movies about that, some of which barely have any cleavage at all. The problem with Dream Divers is it still relies too much on trial-and-error gameplay. Each of the stages contains false pathways that lead you into the lair of a giant, drooling Octopus that will presumably rape and kill whatever chick you’re using. There is a map that you can see between levels, but it only fills in once you’ve physically been through the stage. Given that all movement has to be made with minimal forethought and there is absolutely no room left for error, they should have been nice and given us full view of the map.

Wow, it's so erotic! Paying $1 for this is totally a better idea than doing a free Google search for boobs! Those might feature, icky, REAL boobies. Gross. They have like skin and veins and stuff. That's just wrong.

The control isn’t bad. You point the chicks and they go where you tell them too. I guess you can’t ask for more than that. Things do occasionally move too fast, and thus you’re forced to die and memorize exactly where to make hair-pin turns and the locations of the larger air bubbles that you will need to make it just a few feet further. Anything after the first two stages becomes teeth-gnashingly frustrating, but I would venture a guess that most men will have pooped themselves out and taken a nap by that point anyway.

I have an idea that XBLIG developers can use to market these games: instead of pushing the sexual content, push them as an exercise game. I’m guessing stuff like Dream Divers is the only cardio workout anyone who would want this type of shit actually gets. But if you’re the type of person who does buy games like this, I have a better idea for you: multitask. Use that Google search and find some real titties, and save your Microsoft Points for a game that doesn’t pander to your primal urges. Play a good game, and if you feel the need to buck the slobbering donkey, just look over at your monitor and have at it.

Yea I know, it won’t happen. Well, as long as Team Shuriken can live with being responsible for more spanked monkeys than a chimpanzee dominatrix, who am I question them?

80 Microsoft Points imagine diving underwater with two plastic floatation devices sewn into your chest would be rather difficult in the making of this review.

Keep voting in Kairi’s Katch-Up Thursdays. On April 5, I’ll be giving away 1600 Microsoft Points to someone who participates in the democratic process. Even though the winner is not determined by a popular vote. Whatever, just go vote.

8 Responses to Dream Divers

I think Dream Divers has some good ideas. I like the underwater thing, and I like the way you haveto explore the levels in search of multiple stars – it had a faintly Mario 64 feel.

The trial-and-error thing is a problem though. I don’t know why Team Shuriken love that so much. Satisfaction comes from either working out how to achieve the objective, or practicing your skills until you’re good enough. It never, ever, EVER comes from the warm glow of the knowledge that you picked options at random until you happened to hit upon the correct one. Trial-and-error gameplay is an awful design choice, and Team Shuriken really need to get over their infatuation with it.

I mostly didn’t notice the anime boobies. They’re certainly less prominent here than in other Team Shuriken releases. The diver/octopus scene that pops up at a certain dead end was icky though. Damn you, Japan!

I’m not too sure why the review and comment focuses so much on the trial and error ? The octopus “gotcha” is only in the first because i didn’t want the game to lean on trial and error too much, but thought it was a good idea for something a bit different (so long as the whole game isn’t like that).

Other then the octopus gotcha, there’s only a few of the stars that are hidden and all others are very obvious. you never go though a path and get to a dead end, every path leads to a star, always. The requirements for unlocking levels even means there is nothing to stop you if you want to completely ignore the hidden ones. I feel like you are blowing the trial and error out of proportion because of previous experiences with our games.

As for the diver going too fast / the game being too hard, i think it more has to do with skill and preference for easier games. My friend playtested this for the first time with no help(not a word, and he never saw the game before) from me while he was super drunk and got all 25 stars in under 90 minutes. Other friends who don’t really play games had more problems though so that’s why the game was noobified a lot before release.

I will probably take Kairi’s advice and lower the difficulty a bit on level 3. The star at the bottom left is a bit too much of a bitch to get and could have a few more bubbles to help guide the player. Other stars in that level and forward seem more skill based though so i think they are fine.

Full map i understand the idea behind it, but it would make some of the stars too easy and useless. they would almost seem like a chore to get since they would be so easy if not for their secretness. It would’ve been the thing to do if it was part of the original design, but the map was something added soon before release to alleviate what used to be a HUGE problem of orientation (ingame onscreen minimap was also experimented with but it sucked).

Thanks for the review and comments, if we make a sequel we’ll try to alleviate some of the problems noted.

When I am done making my current excessively complex game that tries to address the whole reviewer demand laundry list, I am so pumping out 10 or so minimalist cartoon breast delivery vehicles. It’s what all the cool kids are doing.

Team Shuriken is laughing their way to the bank right about now. And for those who make this kind of indie smut, you better get crackin’, before the trend loses steam and get these games downrated to XBLIG hell.