Padres launch investigation into players' use of performance-depressing drugs

Multiple players have tested positive.

Following the news that catcher Yasmani Grandal had juiced up with shots of Man Rage-brand hormone sauce, and that shortstop Everth Cabrera and relief pitcher Fautino De Los Santos had links to the now-closed Biogenesis Drug-Cocktail and Needle Emporium in Florida, Padres officials are launching a team-wide investigation into why more players haven't availed themselves of what team doctor Tess Tosterone calls "every possible avenue to on-field excellence."

"Our boys have posted a winning record just once in the past five seasons," continued Tosterone. "The other four have seen us dwelling happily in the cellar of the NL West. It got to the point where management started to wonder if there was something growing in the basement, and it turns out they were right. Not only were the vast majority of Padres failing to enhance their performance; many were ingesting substances that actually made them worse."

"It all started when [shortstop Khalil] Greene busted his hand punching that storage cabinet [in 2008]," said admitted performance-depresser Yonder Alonso. "Dude got a prescription for medical marijuana - you know, to deal with the chronic pain or some shit. It wasn't long before we'd all gotten on board - 160 games takes a toll, you know? And the chronic helps to ease the ache in the knees. Yeah, I guess my reflexes aren't quite 100% these days, but it's San Diego. Nobody gets too worked up, except maybe that old guy at the paper. I think his name is Nick Canape or something. I love canapes. Man, I'm hungry right now. You want to go get a pizza?"