FLAPJACKS: Let’s make a survival horror video game!MGK: I’ll bring the random assortment of dentist’s tools!FLAPJACKS: I’ll bring the creepy doll’s heads!MGK: Don’t forget to smash ninety percent of the light bulbs! But only ninety percent!FLAPJACKS: Scary killers/monsters have to see too! It’s only polite!MGK: Speaking of which, what type of scary killers or monsters do we want?FLAPJACKS: Well, there are so many options. There are regular people who are grossly facially mutilated. There are body-dysmorphic horrors. And then there are body-dysmorphic horrors who are also grossly facially mutilated.MGK: It is a smorgasbord of terror!FLAPJACKS: The important thing is to make people go “ew” when they play our game!MGK: Speaking of which, what type of protagonist should we have? I think we should have a protagonist whose family have died and who is still haunted by their deaths.FLAPJACKS: Well I think we should have a protagonist whose family have disappeared and who is driven to find them, no matter how tragic an outcome may result!MGK: Can we compromise and have a nameless non-entity who is defined only by his abilities which have been mapped onto the keyboard?FLAPJACKS: My word, it’s like I’m surviving the game myself now! But we’re agreed it’s a dude, right?MGK: Well of course.FLAPJACKS: All those little convenient notes people leave behind will have so much more impact if I know my video-game self is a dude.MGK: It’s only real survival horror if all the notes are in fact voice recordings. You know, as people do. Nobody writes things down any more! It’s the digital age! We talk into our talk-boxes! Voice diaries are a real important thing!FLAPJACKS: Also with the voice diaries I think we need to give our hero supplies. That way he can fight the monsters. But only briefly, lest he be given some sense of agency! I think we should only give him single, individual bullets. People leave single, individual bullets around all the time! Think how scary it will be when he has only three bullets in his gun – and there are four monsters!MGK: Bullets? Pffft, you’re not being ambitious enough. He should not have a gun. He should have a knife, which regularly gets dull when he stabs a monster with it, and he needs to find whetstones to sharpen the knife!FLAPJACKS: He can carry up to four rocks at any time, and whenever he smashes a monster with a rock, it crumbles. He must constantly find additional rocks!MGK: He doesn’t have a weapon at all, he just has a flashlight!FLAPJACKS: And he needs to find batteries for the flashlight! Or else he won’t even be able to see!MGK: What if we don’t give him anything at all?FLAPJACKS: What if he needs to constantly find vitamins just to not die? Oh wait, I got it, our hero is diabetic and needs to take insulin every so often! He will have to search everywhere for insulin!MGK: Which will be located in numerous desks, of course. It’s all coming together!FLAPJACKS: But who will the big villain be? I think we should have it be a crazed scientist. He can make the awful murder monsters from people! All scientists know how to do that.MGK: I would prefer a demon or maybe an evil ghost. That way the awful murder monsters don’t have to even conform to the slightest hint of scientific logic.FLAPJACKS: I dunno. I think we want some degree of veracity to make players feel like this could really happen somehow. Otherwise we might as well be playing Mario Kart.MGK: How about… it is the ghost of an evil scientist who was possessed by demons?FLAPJACKS: Oooooh, that has some oomph to it.MGK: Indeed! Who would not want to play this game?FLAPJACKS: … actually I think I just want to play Mario Kart instead.MGK: Yeah, me too. Let’s play that.

FLAPJACKS: Hey, do you remember that song “Friday” by Rebecca Black? The really bad one? It was famous.ME: Yes, I remember that song. I have tried to put it well out of mind, but sadly I have failed.FLAPJACKS: Well, guess what?ME: She has a new song?FLAPJACKS: No!ME: Good.FLAPJACKS: But the sleazy company that put out her song has made one that is arguably even worse!ME: Oh lord.

FLAPJACKS: We begin with a Chinese man talking Chinese over phat synth beats, as one does.ME: Also I note that this owner of the ostensible Chinese restaurant is cooking noodles on a Mongolian grill. So Alison Gold is apparently in favour of fusion cuisine.FLAPJACKS: That would certainly explain why the noodles are glittering and emitting rainbows.ME: I think that’s just how Korean food works. ALL THE ASIAN FOODS IN ONE RESTAURANT!FLAPJACKS: There is something inherently creepy about a 14-year-old girl singing about heading home after a night of clubbing. She’s fourteen. Is she supposed to be a baby-raver? Where is her glitter pacifier?ME: You’re complaining both that her song lyric is creepy and then asking where her pacifier is, you realize.FLAPJACKS: Only ironically.ME: I bet Miley Cyrus says she is being ironical all the time.FLAPJACKS: Oh man she is kicking over a trashcan because she’s SO MAD about being hungry. Alison is punk, y’all.ME: Her lip-syncing is awful in this video. She goes from not actually being able to lip-sync along with the lines she supposedly sings to lip-syncing along with the HEY-shouters in the background of the chorus.FLAPJACKS: I’m more impressed with how the girl taking her order is totally stoked to be working in food service. Look at her. She is so excited that this white girl has come in and is pointing excitedly at what she wants to order, presumably because said white girl thinks there is a language barrier and cannot simply say what she wants in case the strange foreigner doesn’t understand proper English, even when sung.ME: Why would the order-taking girl be excited about that?FLAPJACKS: I don’t know, but I don’t judge people for enjoying their work.ME: She definitely operates that cash register like a touch-typist. That’s impressive.FLAPJACKS: I see we’re at the “point at the different types of Chinese food” part of the video, where she names all the Chinese foods she can think of.ME: So… broccoli, chicken wings, egg rolls, wonton soup and fortune cookies.FLAPJACKS: I know I was making fun of her for being white before, but man, that is so white. All that’s missing are the sweet-and-sour chicken balls.ME: …why is she befriending a man in a panda suit oh god this suddenly became terrifyingFLAPJACKS: Look, I’m sure there is a perfectly rational explanation for why they are… uh… skipping through the park together and frolicking… okay, this is definitely weird…ME: OH GOD THEY ARE HAVING A TICKLE-FIGHT ON THE GRASS THIS IS SOME BIZARRE LOLITA SHIT RIGHT HEREFLAPJACKS: Don’t worry, it turns out that Panda Suit Guy is actually just ARK Music Factory’s house rapper.ME: House rapper?FLAPJACKS: You know how restaurants have a house wine, something not fancy but which will go down acceptably enough with your meal and isn’t too expensive? ARK Music Factory has a house rapper for the parents of the kids who pay for these awful videos. The theory is roughly equivalent.ME: OH MY GOD IS HE RAPPING IN A FAKE CHINESE ACCENTFLAPJACKS: …yes, yes he is.ME: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH THIS OH GOD MY SENSES SO MANY PAINSFLAPJACKS: Oh look, they’re playing Monopoly and he landed on Oriental Avenue.ME: AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHFLAPJACKS: Also, what is the deal with all these subtitles? Why are they all in different languages? Are they hoping that this will give the song “international appeal”?ME: “Look, Alison Gold’s Parents, we know you’re spending your life savings on this video and you want to hit as many markets as possible. We’re going to do that by translating each line of the song into a different language. Then all those foreigners will see the translations of their one line of the song and teach themselves English so they can enjoy the whole song. We have charts demonstrating this.”FLAPJACKS: “Can we see the – ”ME: “DO NOT ASK TO SEE THE CHARTS. TRUST THE FACTORY. TRUST THE SECRET CHARTS.”FLAPJACKS: Aaaaaaand now they’re all dressed up as geishas because all Asians are the same!ME: I note that Alison Gold’s signature dance move is the “half-hearted shrug.”FLAPJACKS: And the video ends with the panda flying away on a rainbow, after tossing Alison a fortune cookie with a fortune that says the panda will fly away on a rainbow.ME: “In bed.”FLAPJACKS: FORTUNE COOKIES ARE NEVER WRONG!ME: But fortune cookies don’t work that way! They’re not supposed to tell you what already happened, they’re supposed to tell you the future.FLAPJACKS: Or compliment you in a sort of kiss-ass way.ME: “In bed.”FLAPJACKS: But I was right, wasn’t I? I mean, this was a must watch video about food.ME: Eh. It’s no Pizza Kids.

ME: So I was watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine last night andFLAPJACKS: Ugh who cares I wanna talk about the Batman show with no Batman.ME: Oh, yeah, Gotham. That sounds a bit odd, doesn’t it?FLAPJACKS: Well, I don’t see what the point is of a show about Batman with no Batman.ME: For starters, the show is about Commissioner Gordon, not Batman.FLAPJACKS: Look, that’s a cheat. First off, it’s not like anybody asked for a Commissioner Gordon show. Would you want a show about Alfred, too? Back when he was a British spy and secret agent and wait that actually sounds great so never mind that, but a Commissioner Gordon show is basically just Law and Order unless you put in super-villains. And if there are super-villains, then where the hell is Batman in this show?ME: Maybe it’s no super-villains and it’s like a show where Gordon is a Good Cop and the rest of the force is corrupt because it’s Gotham City and they are the true villains.FLAPJACKS: They already did a corrupt cop show and that was The Shield.ME: Except that I just described the exact opposite of that show. Jim Gordon is the anti-Vic Mackey.FLAPJACKS: EXCEPT except that thanks to the early promo material for the show we already know there are gonna be supervillains. They all but said so.ME: They also said that Rage was gonna show up in Agents of SHIELD and that turned out to be a guy called Mike Peterson, which is like the least superheroey name ever.FLAPJACKS: Was that official promotional buzz or was that nerds trying to guess things by randomly naming black characters from Marvel with super-strength?ME: I personally cannot tell the difference any more.FLAPJACKS: Anyway. Look, part of the thing about Batman that people like is that his villains are obsessed with him. Let’s assume that some supervillains are going to show up in this Jim Gordon show, because seriously, why would they not put supervillains in the TV show set in Batman’s city? Isn’t there already a cop show without supervillains on the air?ME: Well, there’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine -FLAPJACKS: Sitcom, doesn’t count.ME: Maybe Rookie Blue?FLAPJACKS: That’s a coming-of-age show that happens to be about cops.ME:Almost Human?FLAPJACKS: Robots are basically supervillains anyway.ME:Blue Bloods?FLAPJACKS: That’s more of a family drama than a cop show although you do have to admire Tom Selleck’s moustache, which is very Jim Gordonish.ME:NCIS?FLAPJACKS: No.ME:NCIS: Los Angeles?FLAPJACKS: That’s the one. See? We’re covered. We have a cop show without supervillains already! We don’t need another one!ME: I bow to your inescapable logic.

FLAPJACKS: So we have stars. Is this Star Trek? Or Star Wars?MGK: I doubt it. If it was an established franchise this would make sure all the nerds knew it was an established franchise, right? There would be some ambiguity, but by the end of the trailer there would be an “oh that’s exciting” money shot.FLAPJACKS: A tease-en-scene, if you will.MGK: Very well done.FLAPJACKS: I actually thought of it last month but now I get to use it.MGK: Guy staggering through the surf.FLAPJACKS: Maybe it’s Aquaman.MGK: What did I just say about established franchises?FLAPJACKS: I know, but I would counter with “nobody cares about Aquaman.”MGK: …okay, fair point.FLAPJACKS: Also, the guy is tied up, so that would make sense, right? Aquaman being exiled from his home planet.MGK: Ocean.FLAPJACKS: Whatever. He can breathe underwater so being tied up in the ocean, that’s no big deal. In fact he’s being driven to shore because that’s how underwater people execute criminals!MGK: You’re saying that in Atlantis, beaching is a form of execution?FLAPJACKS: Yes!MGK: But why don’t the prisoners just walk back to the ocean?FLAPJACKS: That’s why they tie them up! But Aquaman can breathe air, so he survives the beaching… and… um.MGK: You didn’t have any idea as to what happens next, did you.FLAPJACKS: Not really, no.MGK: We call that “the Aquaman problem.”FLAPJACKS: So. There’s also another guy with his lips sewn shut.MGK: You know he’s probably evil because he has to drink his meals through a straw.FLAPJACKS: …I have no idea what this is supposed to be.MGK: You’re not supposed to. Remember when the Cloverfield teasers first came out and people were all “is this Godzilla? Is it a superhero movie?” because the idea of something new scared them, much like the dancing scared the rural people in Footloose.FLAPJACKS: So in this metaphor I am the strict country preacher who doesn’t get today’s youth?MGK: Pretty much.FLAPJACKS: Dang.

FLAPJACKS: So everybody I know is putting up red equals signs on Facebook to show that they support gay marriage.ME: Why red?FLAPJACKS: It is the colour of love?ME: It’s also the colour of anger, danger, stop signs, and retired assassins who are Bruce Willis. What was wrong with rainbows?FLAPJACKS: I think maybe the guy who started it was all “well, rainbows are too political. But everybody likes red!”ME: Or maybe he figured American conservatives who consider themselves red-staters would be tricked into supporting gay marriage this way.FLAPJACKS: That is not the best plan I have ever heard.ME: For a Facebook campaign it is basically genius-level thought. I mean, come on, it’s Facebook. Politics on Facebook is less advanced than online competitions involving Doritos.FLAPJACKS: In fairness, Doritos are more important than civil rights to a surprising number of people.ME: A surprising number of bad people.FLAPJACKS: Your point being?ME: I don’t know. Something about Doritos, probably.FLAPJACKS: Anyway, I was reading that Facebook activism is bad because it makes people think that they are doing something to help a cause when they are actually, in fact, doing next to nothing.ME: I, too, have heard that.FLAPJACKS: But I have a theory, which is that that theory is completely wrong.ME: Elaborate.FLAPJACKS: Well, people are, for the most part, useless good-for-nothing assholes.ME: Wow, this theory got dark in a hurry.FLAPJACKS: Can you prove that I am wrong?ME: Well, definitive proof -FLAPJACKS: Right. So we accept that presumption. Moving on, because people are useless, the theory that people are being dissuaded from helping with a cause by internet activism is crap, because – and this is the important bit – they never would have done anything anyway. I posit that the number of people who really would have gone to protest marches or helped with community organizations or written letters to their elected officials or any of that, but instead did not because they were presented the option to express their support instead with an image macro on a social media website of some sort, is in fact very close to zero. Or, if you prefer, just zero. Straight-up zero.ME: I don’t know that that is accurate. Given that people do tend to follow the path of least resistance, like rivers -FLAPJACKS: Rivers have use.ME: I reiterate: you’re awful dark today.FLAPJACKS: I broke your wok.ME: Oh. Well, in any case – wait, how do you break a wok?FLAPJACKS: The handle came off.ME: But it was bolted on.FLAPJACKS: It came off!ME: Anyway. Given that people tend to follow the path of least resistance, I think the argument that zero people are dissuaded from true activism because of slacktivism is probably erroneous. There must by definition be some people who would have done something more substantial, who were dissuaded because of the option to instead express themselves with a cause-oriented lolcat.FLAPJACKS: But at what point do we say that the effect is de minimis?ME: That’s a law term. I’m impressed.FLAPJACKS: I was watching Boston Legal reruns last week. But anyway, I think activists are, by nature, shit-disturbers. And shit does not get disturbed on the internet. If they had had internet in the 1960s, Rosa Parks still would’ve sat down at the back of the bus.ME: The front of the bus.FLAPJACKS: What?ME: Rosa Parks sat down at the front of the bus. Because black people had to go to the back of the bus. If Rosa Parks had been at the back of the bus it would not have been activism so much as “what normally happened.” Don’t you remember “Sister Rosa” by the Neville Brothers?FLAPJACKS: My main takeaway from that song was that they really wanted to thank Sister Rosa.ME: Look, I’m not going to get into the dynamics of bus-sitting, racism and how the two intersected in 1960s Alabama, because I am not Wikipedia and Wikipedia is a thing. And I agree that activists are shit-disturbers. But the point of the slacktivist theory is that social media activism provides the illusion of shit-disturbing, because your Uncle Morris who acts like it is fifty years ago gets offended when you post your “I CAN HAZ GAY MARRIAGE” lolcat on Tumblr, and you feel like you have disturbed shit when you have really done nothing.FLAPJACKS: I get the illusion argument. I just don’t agree with it, because people recognize when something is something and nothing is nothing.ME: Aha, and now we turn the cynicism angle back to my side, because people all too frequently don’t realize that and treat their Facebook actions like they are real life, because they know you can get fired for being stupid on Facebook so they assume that all actions on Facebook have consequences.FLAPJACKS: Yes, but those people are stupid, whereas activists – well, activists can be stupid too, but there is a difference between idealistic stupid and disengaged stupid. Your argument doesn’t depend on how kids who thought KONY 2012 was a real thing that had meaning, because anybody who would have given a damn in any other circumstance was able to figure out that the campaign was being run by weird people who had a history of doing dick and all about the issue. I saw more of that on Facebook than actual Kony posts. Which is why I said de minimis. Well, that and I wanted to lawyer you back for once.ME: And I was duly impressed.

FLAPJACKS: So I hear you’ve been talking about the Dead Space games a lot lately.ME: Well, yes.FLAPJACKS: I hope you have touched upon the most important thing, which is that Dead Space 3 is terrible.ME: I didn’t think it was that bad -FLAPJACKS: Yes, because you are a wriiiiiiiteeeer and therefore it is all about your precious story. But even you have to admit that Dead Space 3 is an awful, awful game.ME: Well, I did kind of snicker when you came to those little step-ups where Isaac could clearly just clamber over were it not for Impassable Wall Fiat, so he had to use his magic telekinesis to make a tiny ladder appear and then climb up the five-foot-high ladder.FLAPJACKS: Yes, that was very stupid. But you forget that vast chunks of the game are just the same six rooms, repeated over and over again. There is The Room That Always Has Baddies In It, The Room That Usually Has Baddies In It, The Corridor, The Other Corridor, The Room That Intersects With The Corridor (And Usually Has Baddies In It), and The Elevator. It got so that I could predict from exactly which stupidly obvious air vents the baddies would pop out from and try to stab me.ME: I will concede that the game was much more repetitive in its level design than the first two Dead Space games, sure.FLAPJACKS: Good. Will you also concede that the level design, in addition to being repetitive, is usually stupid? I mean, stupid in the way that calls attention to its limitations. Like, for example, the “puzzles” where the solution is literally painted on the wall right in front of the puzzle itself. It’s like the designers wanted to shout at you “YOU ARE A DUMB.”ME: I preferred to think of that as password encryption being so hardcore in the Whateverth Century that the only way to truly hack it was to go totally analog.FLAPJACKS: If that were the case, then why didn’t they just rely on the magical Doors Which Only Unlock When It Is Time For The Game To Let You Go There? I mean, in the previous games, they at least always bothered to come up with explanations for why that shit was happening. “Hold on, Isaac, I am going to hack that shit remotely so you can go through” as opposed to “welp, new objective, go that way, doors magically work now.”ME: Those silly future people!FLAPJACKS: Or the “electrical engineering” puzzles which were literally just “can you move both of your joysticks at once – okay then you can pass” challenges. Or the puzzles where the voiceover message of Dead Person Twelve tells you exactly what you have to do. Were the previous Dead Space puzzles too hard for some people? Who were these people? Were they just drooling all over their controllers and throwing a fit when that was not enough to win the game?ME: Speaking as a true PC gamer in his opinion of consoleheads and Call of Duty players, I have to admit that is a distinct possibility.FLAPJACKS: And the weapon crafting! Who wasted their time on this? You tinker for a bit until you get the guns you already know are good! “Oh, so if I do this and this, I get the pulse rifle with the grenade launcher? Why would I need anything else, then?”ME: Well, that’s not fair. In the first two games, there was no gun that had stasis built in to its regular firing effect and which effectively put you in god mode for ninety percent of the game because when you shoot things and put them into slow motion, Dead Space gets hella easier in a hurry. Also, in the first two games there was no chain lightning gun. Did you play with the chain lightning gun?FLAPJACKS: No. Why?ME: Because the chain lightning gun hits everything at once. It kills the first guy and then does damage to all the rest of the guys. If you up the damage enough you can generally clear entire rooms with one shot. Also, you give it stasis so it also puts them in slow motion so you can stomp to death anybody who didn’t die from the first shot.FLAPJACKS: So your point is that they invented a new gun for total no-skill twinks.ME: Yup! I played it through on hard level and it was… not hard at all.FLAPJACKS: And then there were the microtransactions!ME: I do not believe for one second you spent any money on microtransactions for this game, mostly because anybody with even a tiny amount of gameplaying skill would never, ever need to spend money on microtransactions for this game.FLAPJACKS: Well, no. But I am offended they exist!ME: That’s fair. Did you also want to complain about how fighting against humans with guns made it seem like a Gears of War clone?FLAPJACKS: No, that bit was not too bad. It was a nice change of pace from fighting the same six zombies again – and I mean “the same six zombies,” because swapping out the babies-with-tentacles-that-shoot-at-you for dogs-with-tentacles-that-shoot-at-you does not make for new zombies in spirit – especially when I had to fight the zombies and the Scientologists with guns at the same time. That was practically the only challenging part of the game. I think, in total, there was about six minutes of it.ME: Okay. So I am going to concede all your arguments. Okay?FLAPJACKS: So I win?ME: Not precisely. I will cheerfully admit that as a game, Dead Space 3 is ill-thought-out as compared to the first two games, which were… let’s say “competent” or maybe “workmanlike,” because they weren’t really inspired per se.FLAPJACKS: Excuse me, but not just anybody can come up with “zombies in space” except the writers of Mass Effect and Halo and…ME: But you’re getting away from my point, which is this: Dead Space 3 isn’t a great game, but it’s still a pretty good story – yes, I can see you getting ready to draw out that word sarcastically, but it’s true. It’s a pretty good adventure story that you happen to be playing along with. And I enjoyed it on that basis, and I particularly enjoyed it because Isaac Clarke is not a douchebag.FLAPJACKS: Why is that so special?ME: Because most video game protagonists are douchebags! Nathan Drake from Uncharted is a quippy, smart-aleck douchebag. Kratos from God of War is a roiding douchebag. Ezio Auditore is badass, but he is also undeniably douche-adjacent at the very least. Guy From Far Cry 3 is an entitled preppy douchebag who learns the Simplicity of Native Life, which is the only possible way he could go even douchier. And so forth.FLAPJACKS: And your argument is that Isaac is not a douchebag?ME: In the first game, Isaac is in desperate self-denial that his girlfriend is dead – like, “actually sort of crazy” levels of self-denial because he blames himself for encouraging her to take the mission that gets her killed, which lets the evil alien thingy take advantage of his mind. In the second, he has literally been totally crazy for the last three years as a result of surviving the first game. In the third, he is withdrawn from the world and just totally wants to give up on everything as a result of surviving the first two games. Douchebag characters would just be all “whatever, here are some awesome one-liners about shooting limbs off of dead people.” The most Isaac can manage is mild sarcasm whenever life is more difficult because now he has Fetch Quest #80 to do before he can save the universe again. The rest of the time, he is painfully earnest, because he is going through the valley of the shadow of death in real-time and he knows it. Isaac Clarke is a guy who gets traumatized when he has to kill the guy who betrayed them all to the baddies and stole his girlfriend, because Isaac is a good dude.FLAPJACKS: I like this dichotomy you have set up and look forward to the list of Good Dudes in video games. And also the inevitable jokes about Bad Dudes.ME: Right. And that’s why, even though Dead Space 3 is a mediocre game, I didn’t mind, because so long as Isaac is a good dude, I am willing to stick around for the ride. Good dudes are the ones whose stories you want to follow. That’s why we all played The Walking Dead even though it was about ten times less of a game than DS3 was: because Lee was a good dude too. From what I hear the new Tomb Raider has Lara Croft being a good dude too, so I’ll probably play that.FLAPJACKS: Are we allowed to call her a dude?ME: “Dude” became gender-neutral about ten years ago, dude.

MGK’S BROTHER JEFF: Hey, did you watch Saturday Night Live last night?MGK: No, I was out.JEFF: I meant “did you watch it later, like Sunday afternoon or something.”MGK: Oh. No.JEFF: I wouldn’t want to suggest you aren’t a social dervish.MGK: Of course not.JEFF: Out at the clubs. Working the lines. Making connections.MGK: You can stop now.JEFF: Hitting the dance floor. Getting digits. Exploding the pass.MGK: I’m pretty sure that last expression is just something you made up.JEFF: I’m ten years younger than you. I know all the hip new things you don’t. I bet you don’t even know about flanging.MGK: Now I’m sure you’re making stuff up.JEFF: Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, it will be something you wonder about, late at night. You know, when you think about death.MGK: What does all of this have to do with Saturday Night Live, anyway?JEFF: Oh. Jeremy Renner hosted.MGK: And?JEFF: He sucked.MGK: That’s too bad.JEFF: No, I mean he really sucked. Like, Lindsay Lohan levels of sucked.MGK: That’s surprising. I mean, I like him in action movies well enough. He does a good sort of quip.JEFF: I think nerds just like him because he looks like a young Nathan Fillion before Nathan Fillion got all fat.MGK: Well, he does fight people really nicely too.JEFF: But getting back to my point. He sucked.MGK: Well, not everybody is Anne Hathaway.JEFF: …no, but I don’t see your point.MGK: Anne Hathway is like a switch-hitter -JEFF: – maybe in your fantasies.MGK: Nice, but let me finish. She is like an acting switch-hitter – do you want that one?JEFF: Nah. Not in the mood to expand on a theme.MGK: Okay. So she is like an acting switch-hitter in that she can go all “actual acting” and be good at it, or alternately switch into wacky sketch comedienne mode and not miss a beat. Not everybody can do this. Hugh Jackman can do it. James Franco, not so much.JEFF: I get your point. But this was not just a failure to be Anne Hathaway. Jeremy Renner was bad. Like, during his monologue, it was like he actively did not want to be there. I felt bad for him. But also I felt scorn, because he was being paid a lot of money to be there.MGK: Well, maybe he was totally hyped to do it and then got there and started work and was all “wait, I am not meant to be doing this at all.” That happens. And then he can’t just bail out.JEFF: Sure he could. They’d call up Alec Baldwin or John Goodman and be all “save us” and they would do it because they are SNL gods.MGK: True dat.JEFF: Anyway. For the first time in my life, I appreciated Matt Damon. Because the more I see Jeremy Renner, the less I like him. I mean, I saw one Bourne movie with Renner in it and it made Avengers, like, retroactively worse. Matt Damon never did that.MGK: Wait, you don’t appreciate Matt Damon?JEFF: Come on. He’s just sort of there.MGK: But he’s always good. At everything. I mean, at worst, your argument against Matt Damon is that he’s not flashy in how he’s good at everything.JEFF: Name three movies that Matt Damon made that are not Bourne movies, which he didn’t really make anyway because he was just sort of there.MGK:Rounders.JEFF: Just sort of there. Just because he’s the lead doesn’t make him not just sort of there, you know.MGK:Good Will Hunting.JEFF: It sucking was totally his fault. It was his fault. It was his fault.MGK:Saving Private Ryan.JEFF: Tom Hanks’ movie. Adam Goldberg and Barry Pepper and Jeremy Davies were all more memorable than Damon. And don’t even bother saying Ocean’s Eleven.MGK:The Adjustment Bureau. The Informant! The Departed. Contagion.JEFF: See, I didn’t see any of those, so your argument is irrelevant.MGK: That’s not terribly fair.JEFF: Matt Damon has a net worth in the hundreds of millions of dollars. I think he can handle it.MGK: Fair enough.

FLAPJACKS: Hey, did you ever see Junior? That movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger gets pregnant?ME: No.FLAPJACKS: I didn’t either. Did they ever explain how the hell he was able to get pregnant without a uterus? I mean, I know he took Miracle Drugs which let him get pregnant even though he was a man, that’s the point of the movie. But he has no uterus. Do the Miracle Drugs like, give him a temporary uterus?ME: I have no idea.FLAPJACKS: Maybe they make the placenta into a temporary uterus. But in the movie Arnold is visibly pregnant. Maybe the temporary uterus is inside his stomach lining? The baby obviously can’t be in the stomach because of the acid, though, so that doesn’t work.ME: I still have no idea.FLAPJACKS: …aha! The appendix!ME: Aha?FLAPJACKS: The appendix does nothing, right? So maybe that is where the baby ends up. In a vestigial organ! My god, I’m brilliant.ME: But the appendix is connected to the beginning of the large intestine. I don’t think your plan works unless you are going to drown the fetus in poop.FLAPJACKS: The super-placenta theory takes care of that. It creates a poop-barrier. Not a barrier made of poop, a barrier against poop. +5 versus poop, if you will. Also, if you think about it, the appendix being the man-uterus makes sense because it’s connected to the intestine and therefore provides a natural birthing route for the baby.ME: …wait, you’re saying that male natural childbirth as in Junior is to shit the baby out?FLAPJACKS: Well, where else is the baby gonna come out?ME: Putting aside the question of whether a baby could pass through one’s intestines without A) suffocating or B) rupturing the intestines -FLAPJACKS: Ahem: Miracle Drugs. Done. Next question.ME: – okay, whatever, but you’re still talking about a labour that would be at least a twenty-hour shit, basically. Probably much longer, because the baby would be bigger and therefore proceed more slowly.FLAPJACKS: Well, it is only proper that childbirth take a long time and be somewhat painful. Men should not get out of that. Plus, after you finally gave birth -ME: I hope to god that is a general “you” and not a specific one.FLAPJACKS: Okay, wimp, after one gave birth, it would be euphoric in the way that only a truly great bowel movement can be. Except you also get a baby.ME: I think this is the most awful conversation we have ever had.FLAPJACKS: How did they deal with the birthing issue in Junior, anyway?ME: Wikipedia says Arnold had a Caesarean.FLAPJACKS: Wimp.

JEFF (MY BROTHER): So I saw that you had good things to say about New Normal and Go On in your column this week.ME: Well, sorta. They’re both uneven. Comedies generally don’t bust out of the gate on all cylinders, you know? Like, you can tell when a show is just going to suck, most of the time. But a comedy can have a mediocre pilot and then become really good.JEFF: Like Men At Work.ME: No, that one is just shitty.JEFF: Are you sure? I mean, you just said all about how you can never tell. Maybe you’re getting elitist.ME: I stand firm in my conviction that Breckin Meyer does not, as a rule, lead to good things.JEFF: Who’s he?ME: He’s that guy. Who’s in things.JEFF: That’s not very specific.ME: That’s the sort of actor he is.JEFF: So he’s a character actor.ME: Not really.JEFF: But you said he’s that guy -ME: I didn’t mean he’s a Hey-It’s-That-Guy guy. Because he’s not that guy. He’s just a guy who acts and writes.JEFF: Has he done anything I might recognize?ME: He was the guy who made Robot Chicken who was not Seth Green.JEFF: I think you have to give him some credit for being involved with Robot Chicken. What else was he in?ME: He’s in Franklin and Bash right now.JEFF: What?ME: Exactly.JEFF: Okay, I’m gonna iMDB him and see what’s what. Surely this guy has been in lots of stuff you like.ME: Oh, sure he has.JEFF: And I’m gonna – wait, what?ME: Look, I’m not saying he is bad. He is there. Do you understand the difference?JEFF: Look, he was in Josie and the Pussycats and Can’t Hardly Wait and Rat Race. You own all of those.ME: You just listed two cameo roles and one where he’s part of a large ensemble cast that has John Cleese, Rowan Atkinson, Alfre Woodard and Jon Lovitz in it. Also, Seth Green is in all of those movies, so I think we have established a pattern now.JEFF: Yeah, but Breckin Meyer didn’t ruin those movies, did he?ME: No. In fact, he wasn’t even a negative. But you’re missing my point. I didn’t say “Breckin Meyer ruins things.” Because he doesn’t ruin things. I said “Breckin Meyer, as a rule, does not lead to good things.” That doesn’t mean he leads to bad things. Breckin Meyer is just sort of there. I think he played Jon in Garfield, which is the ultimate “just sort of there” role. I mean, at least when you play, say, Dave in Alvin and the Chipmunks, you get to shout at Alvin like you matter.JEFF: I think this still seems terribly harsh. I mean, he did help create Robot Chicken.ME: He’s also responsible for Inside Schwartz.JEFF: Good point.ME: Actually it isn’t exactly, because I don’t blame him for that show sucking because, again – just sort of there.JEFF: I hope he doesn’t read your blog and get offended, seeing as how I am sure you will blog this.ME: It’s my understanding that he has millions and millions of dollars, so presumably he has people to read blogs for him, and even if he stays true to his roots by reading blogs himself, he has millions of dollars so he can afford to not care what I think.JEFF: True enough. I mean, I don’t have millions of dollars, but I don’t care what you think.ME: Yeah, but you’re family.

FLAPJACKS: So your problem is that nobody likes you and everybody hates you? Is that more or less the problem? It sounds like the problem.MITT ROMNEY: Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say -FLAPJACKS: Right, so nobody likes you and everybody hates you. That’s not a problem. We can work with this. So… hm. There’s this tax return thing. You don’t want to release them.MITT ROMNEY: You see, I don’t -FLAPJACKS: Shut up. Doesn’t matter. We’re not going to release the tax returns. What we’re going to do is campaign against the right person.MITT ROMNEY: Isn’t the President the right person?FLAPJACKS: No, people like him. Except for the people who don’t, and they are already holding their noses and voting for you because of the aforementioned “everybody hates you” problem. What we need to do is flip the dynamic inverseways. That is a trademarked phrase, by the way. I trademarked that.MITT ROMNEY: That seems like something you shouldn’t be able to trademark.FLAPJACKS: You’re just saying that because you’re a billionaire finance guy. See? This is why everybody hates you. But it is fixable. What we are going to do is campaign against somebody else.MITT ROMNEY: But nobody else is running for President. Nobody serious, anyway.FLAPJACKS: So what? Look, the next time someone says “Mr. Romney, when are you going to release your tax returns,” you say “well, when is Tom Cruise going to release the terms of his divorce settlement to Katie Holmes? What is Tom Cruise hiding?” This will work because people may be entertained by Tom Cruise, but they don’t exactly like Tom Cruise. You will put Tom Cruise on the defensive this way.MITT ROMNEY: But Tom Cruise isn’t -FLAPJACKS: GAH. How hard is this to understand? You will not get people to like you better than Obama. It’s not going to happen. But if you flip the dynamic inverseways tee-em, then you might be able to get people to like you better than Tom Cruise. The choice between you and Tom Cruise is a campaign that maybe you can win. Meanwhile, the President is sitting over on the other side saying “but wait, Tom Cruise is a meaningless distraction” and nobody pays attention because they’re all, like, distracted and stuff.MITT ROMNEY: But what if I can’t beat Tom Cruise?FLAPJACKS: Then we go after someone else. Mel Gibson, maybe.MITT ROMNEY: Actually, Mel donated -FLAPJACKS: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. God, you can ruin anything, can’t you? When are you going to start listening to me? We need to work on this. Okay, so if not Mel Gibson, maybe a Kardashian. I don’t want to start out with a Kardashian because that’s sort of like if Mike Tyson fought Ernest Borgnine, but a win is a win.MITT ROMNEY: So I’m like Mike Tyson, then?FLAPJACKS: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Mr. Candidate. Okay, so we’ve got you beating Tom Cruise. That wins you everybody who hates and/or envies Hollywood, plus everybody who is freaked out about Scientology. So, win. But we need more. We need the votes of the people who love Hollywood. And to do that, we must get Hollywood to love you. Or at least tolerate you, sorta.MITT ROMNEY: And how do we do that?FLAPJACKS: We have you apologize for your Diet Coke addiction.MITT ROMNEY: But I’m not addicted to Diet Coke. I’m a Mormon. We don’t drink caffeinated drinks.FLAPJACKS: Start. Diet Coke is, like, delicious acid. So it’ll be easy. But even better than that, it will humanize you. People think you are a soulless robot.MITT ROMNEY: I know.FLAPJACKS: They look for the wires in your back.MITT ROMNEY: Uh huh.FLAPJACKS: They ask you how many diodes are in your tongue.MITT ROMNEY: I get it.FLAPJACKS: They ask you “what is love” in an attempt to make you explode.MITT ROMNEY: Can we drop this?FLAPJACKS: Okay. Soulless robots don’t get addicted to things. So we get you addicted to Diet Coke. First off, it will make you seem sympathetic. People will overlook the fact that you are a rich tycoon who ruthlessly exploited the American financial system in order for your own benefit, because you’re just like them.MITT ROMNEY: I don’t see it.FLAPJACKS: Christ, George W. Bush figured this out. Why do you think he became an alcoholic? Whose idea was that?MITT ROMNEY: Wait, that was you?FLAPJACKS: Well, no, I was six. But retroactively I am claiming it, and you know I can do that.MITT ROMNEY: …right.FLAPJACKS: Anyway, the point is this: Hollywood fucking loves Diet Coke. My god, do they love Diet Coke. They would have it coming out of taps if they could manage it. I understand many of the rich ones do have it coming out of taps. So when you admit, tearfully, that you are not a perfect Mormon and you have a Diet Coke addiction, Hollywood will like you better. Not as much as Obama, who is a smoker trying to quit, because that is golden right there. But they will at least understand your cold, robotic soul.MITT ROMNEY: And that helps me win?FLAPJACKS: Maybe. Depends on how the Tom Cruise thing goes. We need to get America to open their hearts to you.MITT ROMNEY: So I can win their votes.FLAPJACKS: Well, I was going to say “so you can rip them out like that guy in Temple of Doom,” but then again he didn’t need anybody to open their hearts because he used magic. Do you have any magic?MITT ROMNEY: No.FLAPJACKS: Pity.

FLAPJACKS: Dog! We must duel! A duel to the death!MGK: How dare you call me a dog! We must duel! To the death!FLAPJACKS: Yes! The Countess’ honour will be avenged!MGK: …wait, what?FLAPJACKS: The Countess. Her honour. You know.MGK: No, not following you.FLAPJACKS: Look, it is widely known that you poured beer all over the Countess! It angers me to think of you disrespecting her that way!MGK: I’m not saying that wouldn’t be bad if I had done it.FLAPJACKS: Precisely!MGK: Although it would be hot, in a consensual context.FLAPJACKS: Also precisely.MGK: But I didn’t do anything like that.FLAPJACKS: But I heard -MGK: I did, however, spill beer in The Duchess, which is a pub down the street.FLAPJACKS: Oh.MGK: Yes.FLAPJACKS: That’s kind of different.MGK: I know.FLAPJACKS: Are you sure you haven’t offended the honour of the Countess lately?MGK: I can only wish.FLAPJACKS: The Duchess, maybe? Not the pub. The human one.MGK: She’s, like, seventy-five. What could I do to offend her honour?FLAPJACKS: You could have dropped a hanky inappropriately.MGK: How does that offend her honour?FLAPJACKS: I’m not sure exactly, but I know it does. She complained a whole lot when I did it. Old people are weird.MGK: Well, I haven’t done that lately either.FLAPJACKS: The Baroness, maybe?MGK: You’re thinking of G.I. Joe now.FLAPJACKS: But it is not your fault that she is not in the sequel?MGK: I don’t think so, no.FLAPJACKS: Dang. I went and bought this rapier and everything.MGK: It looks tremendously impressive.FLAPJACKS: I cut myself on it.MGK: I was wondering why you had a Voltron bandaid on that finger.FLAPJACKS: They were all I had left.MGK: But of course.FLAPJACKS: Well, anyway, I guess we’re not going to be dueling now, since you haven’t offended the honour of a lady.MGK: I offended the honour of Michele Bachmann a while back, I think.FLAPJACKS: Politician. Doesn’t count.MGK: Really. But it doesn’t matter. We still have to duel.FLAPJACKS: She really doesn’t count. It has to be someone of noble blood, and just because she is a secret Swiss doesn’t make her a noble. It probably just means that she has Nazi gold somewhere.MGK: No, I mean you called me a dog. That is an insult, sirrah. A-dueling we must go.FLAPJACKS: But you’re a dog person. You have specifically said at many times that you prefer dogs to cats.MGK: True. But had you called me a cat I would be even more offended and we would have to duel, like, twice or something.FLAPJACKS: What if I had called you a “cool cat”? And how would we duel to the death twice?MGK: I imagine the second duel would be rather perfunctory, to be honest. And “cool cat” is permissible. But you called me a dog! An insult to mine honour! Imagine that I have just slapped you across the face with a glove. I don’t have any gloves.FLAPJACKS: You have that pair of mittens.MGK: Yes, but who is gonna initiate a duel with mittens?FLAPJACKS: Speaking of things you don’t have, you also don’t have a sword.MGK: Well, I was going to suggest that we take turns with yours. Since I am initiating this duel, I will go first. Then you can have a go with it.FLAPJACKS: This seems like a perfectly conceived proposal with no possible loopholes you can exploit.

ME: What are you doing on my internet?FLAPJACKS: I’m reading Nelson’s Wikipedia entry.ME: …why?FLAPJACKS: Because.ME: I don’t think I can actually get a more honest explanation than that.FLAPJACKS: Did you know they released an album called Because They Can? Nelson have some big balls.ME: I did not know that.FLAPJACKS: I’m also pretty sure that they wrote their Wikipedia entry. “In addition to touring as NELSON, the twin singer-songwriters also perform a separate tribute act for their father, called “Ricky Nelson Remembered.” Plus, they perform with celebrity all-star rock and roll rat pack SCRAP METAL.”ME: Wow, I could hear the all-caps.FLAPJACKS: Only because I say the all-caps parts in a bass voice.ME: Well, yes. Say, do we know who Scrap Metal – excuse me, SCRAP METAL – are?FLAPJACKS: I Googled and it turns out it is Nelson plus other people from formerly famous rock bands. Like, the “about” section says that it was founded by Nelson and the former lead singers of Mr. Big, Slaughter and Night Ranger.ME: Night Ranger? Are they a real band? I thought they were the band in Left 4 Dead 2 that had the concert where you fight zombies.FLAPJACKS: I think that’s someone else. But anyway, apparently Scrap Metal are mostly just Nelson, and whoever Nelson can get to tour with them that week. Like, here’s a press release where Scrap Metal played before “2,000 of our country’s future military leaders” in Annapolis -ME: So basically they’re the guys you get for your high school prom or something.FLAPJACKS: I don’t judge. But for this event, they had Nelson, plus the former lead singer of Vixen, and some guy who is described as being “of Ted Nugent.” I guess Ted Nugent is a band now, otherwise they would have said “this guy who used to play with Ted Nugent.”ME: I believe technically Ted Nugent is an institution now, thanks to an official recognition from Congress in 2003.FLAPJACKS: Oh, here’s something where they welcome the former lead singer of Motley Crue -ME: Vince Neil? How did Nelson get Vince Neil to do anything with them? Vince Neil is still sort of famous.FLAPJACKS: They got John Corabi.ME: Oh, come on. Calling John Corabi “the lead singer of Motley Crue” is only technically correct. He was there for like four years where Motley Crue barely did anything and then they fired him and brought back Vince Neil. That would be like bringing in Guy from Extreme and then calling him “the lead singer of Van Halen” when you don’t even have Sammy Hagar.FLAPJACKS: Are you sure you want to call out John Corabi like that? I mean, the guy probably doesn’t get mentioned on the internet that often. I bet with a couple weeks this will become the #1 Google result for “John Corabi.”ME: I’m fine with it, because unlike Steven Seagal, John Corabi does not have his own brand of knife.FLAPJACKS: You promised never to mention Steven Seagal again! Oh god, now I’m saying it! Stop it! Stop it!ME: Maybe we could talk about more long-dead hair rock bands. It’s like internet camouflage.

FLAPJACKS: So did you see the new Liam Neeson movie?ME: Oh, you mean Liam Neeson Versus Wolves? Yeah. It was okay, I guess.FLAPJACKS: Only “okay,” though? I was hoping that it would be a classic. Is it better than Liam Neeson Versus Kidnappers?ME: Oh, it’s much better than that. Which, needless to say, makes it also much, much better than Liam Neeson Versus Amnesia.FLAPJACKS: But I’m guessing it’s not better than Liam Neeson Versus Batman.ME: Oh, heavens no.FLAPJACKS: And not better than Liam Neeson Versus Outdated Ideas About Sexuality.ME: Well, I don’t know that that’s a fair comparison. One is a serious dramatic study of an important modern figure in science, and the other is about punching wolves to death. Seems very apples-and-oranges.FLAPJACKS: But they’re both movies, right? So we should be able to compare them on that basis. I mean, all the time critics are willing to compare trash cinema to high drama in an unflattering manner because they’re both movies. Because they’re critics. So can’t we do the same thing?ME: I just don’t think the basis for comparison is strong. You might as well try to compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Holocaust.FLAPJACKS: I see your point. Can we compare Liam Neeson Versus Wolves to Liam Neeson Versus The Grief Caused By A Loved One’s Death (And Also Hugh Grant Is In It)?ME: He’s not even the main character in that one, so I would say no. Let’s try to stick to movies where Liam Neeson is central to the movie. So Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English is in -FLAPJACKS: Aren’t there actually two of those?ME: I think the second one is characterized more accurately as Liam Neeson Versus The Bastard English and His Fellow Shortsighted Irish. But my point is both of those work, whereas Liam Neeson Versus Hades isn’t quite right because for some reason Hollywood thought that Sam Worthington is cooler than Liam Neeson.FLAPJACKS: That is just crazy talk. But wait, how about Liam Neeson Versus George Lucas’ Dialogue? He’s not exactly the main character in that. I mean, it’s Star Wars, part whatever.ME: I think Qui-Gon Jinn is really the main character of that movie, despite dying before the end. So it works. Main character in a large ensemble still counts, so Liam Neeson Versus Post-Revolutionary France qualifies, but Liam Neeson Versus The Protestant Nativists doesn’t because his character dies in the first fifteen minutes.FLAPJACKS: Which would also disqualify Liam Neeson Versus The Crusades, I suppose. How about Liam Neeson Versus Ghosts?ME: Counts, but only barely.FLAPJACKS: So, now that we have established the basis for comparison, how good is Liam Neeson Versus Wolves?ME: Well, let me put it this way: he really punches the shit out of those wolves.FLAPJACKS: Can’t ask for more than that.

FLAPJACKS: Why are we here?ME: Is that an existential question or a specific one?FLAPJACKS: The second one. Why are we at the One of a Kind Show?ME: Because I’m Christmas shopping.FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t answer the question, though. That explains what you’re doing. It doesn’t explain why you’re in the land of magically high prices. We had to pay just to get in the door!ME: No we didn’t.FLAPJACKS: Okay, we didn’t, because you “know people.” But spiritually we paid to get in the door.ME: That doesn’t make any sense.FLAPJACKS: Neither does shopping where you have to pay fourteen bucks just to get in the door for the privilege of shopping, but hey, look at all these people.ME: Look, there’s perfectly nice stuff here.FLAPJACKS: I’m not saying it’s not nice. It’s very nice. Except for that guy selling the clay goblins.ME: I missed that.FLAPJACKS: He wanted thirty dollars each for the small ones. He wasn’t getting much traffic.ME: So maybe he misjudged his potential market. Why is that so bad?FLAPJACKS: Because he is this entire show in microcosm. Handmade stuff that nobody wants for too much money.ME: Well, it’s handmade. The entire ethos of this show is -FLAPJACKS: Look, I get it. It’s nice to have nice things that people made, sure, and not all of the stuff for sale here is clay goblins. But let’s be honest: we walked through this entire thing twice before you bought anything, and it was because you were visibly wincing at the prices.ME: I was really hoping that wasn’t that obvious.FLAPJACKS: It was.ME: It’s not that it isn’t nice stuff.FLAPJACKS: If I may give you an example? You looked appreciatively at a pepper mill that was made from a hollowed-out tree branch. And I agree, that was a clever bit of craftsmanship. But they wanted seventy dollars for that pepper mill, which, let’s be blunt, did not take more than a couple of hours to make if you don’t count the time for the lacquer on the outside to dry. Figure that the raw materials cost them ten bucks or so, including amortizing the cost of the drill, and that is sixty dollars’ worth of labour. That person is telling you that his labour to create tree-branch pepper mills is worth thirty dollars an hour. Extrapolate that out to a forty-hour workweek and that’s sixty thousand dollars a year in income. Is tree-branch pepper mill creation worth that?ME: I think you’re picking an outside example that you perceive as particularly easy, simple and reproducible. I mean, there’s a guy here who makes watches. That’s not easy. Surely we’re willing to pay a premium for skill?FLAPJACKS: Yeah, but you overlook the fact that his prices are actually reasonable. Like, he starts at $400 or so for a wristwatch and the craftsmanship is obvious. If you want a fancy watch, his watches are not unreasonable as compared to going to… okay, I don’t know who makes fancy watches in the corporate world. Fancy Watch Place or something. The watch guy’s wares are priced comparably to what one might buy elsewhere – as compared to the two other places that were selling watches, which were showier, uglier, and more expensive for what they were.ME: This seems like a bad apples argument. The fashion sellers here aren’t overpricing as compared to designer originals. The artists selling painted goods aren’t selling their art for less than what you’d buy it elsewhere. Original anything is more expensive.FLAPJACKS: But shouldn’t there be a ceiling on what more expensive should be? I mean, look at that circular scarf over there. It’s pretty nice, granted. But it’s twenty-eight bucks at American Apparel.ME: But this one is handmade from wool. I think actually that might make a good Christmas present for somebody. Excuse me, how much are those scarves?DEALER SPEAKING IN ROUGH FRENCH ACCENT: Fifty-five.FLAPJACKS: I suppose that isn’t too bad.ME: It’s only about double the price, and that’s fair for not having to pay to produce their I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-fetish-porn catalogue, right?FLAPJACKS: I concur. Go forth and shop.ME: All right. Excuse me, I would like to purchase this circular scarf, please.OTHER DEALER SPEAKING MUCH BETTER ENGLISH: Well, that will be $135.ME: Wait, what?DEALER SPEAKING IN ROUGH FRENCH ACCENT: I am sorry, I think you mean regular scarf. Neverending scarf is one-thirty-five. I am sorry.ME: Uh, yes. I have to just go hit a cash machine. I will be back… when I have enough money for this.FLAPJACKS: We’re walking awfully fast here.ME: Shutupshutupshutup.FLAPJACKS: You realize they basically asked for an extra eighty bucks to sew the two ends of the scarf together?ME: And that’s why I am not buying it. I will, in a very specific sense, never have enough money for that.FLAPJACKS: Well, this is fascinating. We went from “I’m willing to pay that to avoid the fetish porn catalogue” to “okay, fine, I’ll pay to promote unhealthy depictions of women wearing T-shirts provocatively” in less than thirty seconds.ME: I am not paying that much money for a scarf and I don’t care who knows it.FLAPJACKS: Apparently you’re willing to sometimes pay double to buy ethically, but not five times as much. There’s probably an XKCD strip that could be made out of this incident.ME: In all seriousness, I think you’re oversimplifying. At a certain point, doesn’t “handmade” lose attractiveness? I mean, this isn’t me endorsing slave labour, you understand. I avoid buying chocolate if I can’t be sure it isn’t the product of child labour, which discounts a lot of chocolate. But there’s nothing wrong with machine-produced goods so long as the machine operators get a fair wage and the goods are decent, and nowadays that is a fair amount of stuff.FLAPJACKS: And I assume a fair wage is “whatever you think is reasonable” in this context?ME: You’re being awfully judgemental today, you know that?FLAPJACKS: I blame the clay goblin guy. When we passed his stall he was complaining that all the shoppers were buying the gourmet food things rather than clay goblins. What did you expect, clay goblin guy? The gourmet food items aren’t that much more expensive than regular food, and they give out free samples! Where is my free sample-size clay goblin?ME: I’m pretty sure that business model doesn’t work, like, ever. Also I note your “whatever I think is reasonable” sarcasm is now coming back to bite you in the ass.FLAPJACKS: Well, I think it’s time to re-evaluate the “artisan” business model. If you want to see things on the basis that you made them and this makes them intrinsically better than, I dunno, mass-produced clay goblins, then you have to come up with a way to sell more of them, and that means lowering your price at least a little.ME: But isn’t this the “Henry Ford was wrong” scenario? That the only solution is for all of us to lower the cost of our labour until only a few can profit?FLAPJACKS: I’ve already got that covered, Mr. Occupy Whatever. I plan to become a plutocrat.ME: But you have no appreciable skills beyond a capability to borrow woks and not return them.FLAPJACKS: Metaphorically, is that not more or less the entire premise of the financial industry at this point?ME: …you make a reasonable point.

MGK: So it turns out that the people who are putting out Anonymous are also encouraging teachers to run lessons about how Shakespeare did not, in fact, write Shakespeare.FLAPJACKS: I have no idea what that sentence is about.MGK: Okay. So, you know Roland Emmerich?FLAPJACKS: Yes.MGK: He has directed a movie called Anonymous, which theorizes that the works of William Shakespeare were in fact written by the Earl of Oxford.FLAPJACKS: …and?MGK: What do you mean, “and”?FLAPJACKS: And what blows up?MGK: Nothing blows up.FLAPJACKS: That doesn’t sound right. Are you sure the Globe Theatre doesn’t blow up?MGK: I’m pretty sure, yes.FLAPJACKS: Oh. So Shakespeare is an alien, then.MGK: No.FLAPJACKS: Look, you said this was a Roland Emmerich film, so either something blows up or there is aliens. There are rules about this.MGK: Nothing blows up and there are no aliens.FLAPJACKS: The Earl of Oxford is an alien, maybe.MGK: There are no aliens.FLAPJACKS: Queen Elizabeth?MGK: No aliens.FLAPJACKS: Maybe the Tower of London is a spaceship.MGK:No aliens.FLAPJACKS: Well, if there’s no aliens and no explosions, why did Emmerich even make this movie?MGK: Well, he says “I like big ideas. That’s probably what combines Anonymous with my other films. You know, “What if Shakespeare was a fraud?” Or, “What would happen if finally, in one big storm, we get the bill for all the bad things we’ve done to the environment?” Or, “Godzilla comes to New York.” All big ideas, in a way, and you can say them in one sentence.”FLAPJACKS: How is “Godzilla comes to New York” a big idea? Godzilla goes to cities and smashes them up. It’s basically the whole point of Godzilla. Godzilla movies are not about him having a nice dinner at a restaurant with Mothra and discussing their midlife crises.MGK: I think, given the other examples in the sentence, you have to understand that a big idea for Roland Emmerich is not quite what we would call “a big idea” for other people.FLAPJACKS: “Hey, guys, I just had this big idea! What if an asteroid hit the Earth? No, wait, I got a hundred of these! What if the Titanic sank? I can’t believe nobody’s thought of this yet!”MGK: Yes. This is the sort of finely tuned mind that decides that a conspiracy about William Shakespeare is a big idea.FLAPJACKS: Still, is it not worth considering whether Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare?MGK: No.FLAPJACKS: Well, maybe we should look at the pros and cons. For a start: his name is William Shakespeare. That seems like a “pro” to me right there.MGK: That is indeed an excellent point.FLAPJACKS: But perhaps we should consider the fact that he was, after all, only some lowly schlub and not an educated nobleman of class and leisure. I mean, how could a mere actor know of the existence of far-off countries like Italy and Denmark? It’s not like they had Wikipedia back then.MGK: I believe they did, however, have books. Also, on occasion, they had foreigners.FLAPJACKS: Mere trifles. Also, he wrote about aristocrats a lot, so therefore one could credibly argue that William Shakespeare’s plays were therefore written by a noble, because who knows more about nobles than other nobles?MGK: The problem with this argument is that it therefore logically follows that Snooki from Jersey Shore wrote her own book, rather than having it ghostwritten.FLAPJACKS: An excellent counter-argument, particularly given Snooki’s emergent status as “next Shakespeare.” Or, should we say, next Earl of Oxford.MGK: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.FLAPJACKS: Me as well! But that’s not important: what’s important is the undeniable fact that Shakespeare was just a common-as-dirt plebe, and that five hundred years after his death, we can no longer find his original manuscripts proving that he was the writer, so therefore clearly it was a nobleman.MGK: Yes, you have summed up the “Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare” argument quite neatly. By which, of course, I mean you have demonstrated that it’s really just a bunch of classist garbage spun forth by people who don’t want to admit, for whatever reason, that the greatest writer in the English language was basically just some nobody.FLAPJACKS: Well, we do have to have standards. I mean, we can’t all be Snooki.MGK: Throwing up in my mouth again.FLAPJACKS: Yeah, me too.