His Take: “Am I Just His Booty Call?”

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His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

About seven months ago I met this guy on Craigslist and became, well, sex buddies. Of course over the next few months, I wanted to get to know him more and start building a friendship. He agreed to it, but every time we met, it would lead to sex again, even after I told him not to look forward to it. I took a break from him and every week, he’d text me once, but I never texted back. I figured he would just seduce me into more sex.After a couple more months, he finally asked if something was wrong and told me that he missed me. I straight up told him he missed the sex we had, not me. He admitted to missing it, but he said he missed me just as much. Problem is, we’ve never even been on an actual date in the day because even though he’d set the dates and times, he would bail out on me two hours beforehand.

So it hurts, but I wanna know if he is the least bit interested in me other than just the sex. I text him sometimes, and his texts are usually late or consists of the words “I miss you.” After sex, he’d usually kiss me on the forehead multiple times. And just yesterday, we finally went on a date even though it lasted less than two hours. He held my hand, wrapped his arm around me, etc. So I guess my main question is: Am I over-thinking this, or is he just playing with me to gain my trust so I won’t see our sex as just sex? — Craigslist Hookup

DAVID JAY: It is said that even a broken clock is correct twice a day… which is one more than you have been in this situation. You are 100% correct in assuming he is only interested in sex again. This guy couldn’t identify you from a police lineup unless you were naked. Where you were wrong was: (A) getting involved with him in the first place; and (B) trying to pretend your “relationship” was anything other than mutually tolerated bad behavior.

Try this: Read the first paragraph of your letter again, but imagine it was written by your future daughter when she is your age. Is that what you’d wish for her? Guess what… Neither did your mother. You are capable of more.

If you desire a loving relationship, make yourself worthy. Start with the one thing you control: your behavior. The new year is a great time to turn over a new leaf and become that person who is deserving of the respect, trust, and affection you unwittingly crave. It will surely follow.

JMAGIC: Oh boy… you’ve got yourself into quite a pickle. Now, I’ll tell you that you cannot completely rule out a more normal/traditional(whatever your flavor) relationship with this gentleman, but it sounds like the odds are stacked mightily against you.

He just wants you for sex. Simple as that. That’s how things started, and from what you describe, that’s how things continue. No matter how many times you ‘put your foot down,’ you seem to agree to indulge in the private, physical pleasures between two people — instead of doing what you seem to long for — a relationship based more on mutual interests and compatibility outside of the bedroom.

I kinda hope this works out, because it sounds like he might want to meet you where you are…. unfortunately it also sounds like he’s taking advantage of the situation and giving you what you want to hear instead of what he really wants. I’d say be prepared to leave this guy alone and move on.

DENNIS: First off, just to make sure there’s no room for plausible deniability on your part, you’re interested in this guy as more than a sex buddy, right? And if it were up to you, you wouldn’t just be friends, right? Because that part seems obvious to me, but you also worded your letter in such a way that you never came right out and admitted it. I just can’t imagine why you’d want to build a friendship with a stranger who’s never been anything more than a sex buddy. My only conclusion is that you’re way more into him than you’re letting on, and this is your way of attempting to build a relationship out of a casual encounter. So, maybe the first thing you want to consider is what exactly you’re hoping from this guy.

With that, I think you need to meet my buddy Rick. Actually… no, you don’t want to meet him. You might, however, want to read something he wrote recently. Because your guy reminds me of Rick… but way douchier. The problem I have is that he implies that he’s interested in you romantically (notice he’s never actually said it), while all of his actions indicate otherwise. I don’t for a second believe that he’s interested in anything more than sex with you. Sure, you called him out on it, but the problem is, if he’s enough of a douchebag to tell you that he misses you and take you on a single pseudo-date (no, a less-than-two-hour date is not a REAL date) after already bailing several times before just to keep you willing to sleep with him, then don’t you think he’ll also be enough of a douchebag to maintain this facade until he’s had enough of the sex, drops you, and moves on to the next sex buddy?

Either way, “I miss you” is a pretty noncommittal way to reel you in. It’s sappy enough to make you think he might actually like you, but also vague enough to make you think you’re over-thinking by doubting him. It’s pure evil villainy, if you ask me. So, if you’re willing to go along with it… well, you’ll have to put a lot more faith in him than your gut seems ready to do. Is he worth it?

JOE: I don’t know what he’s thinking, whether or not he likes you as more than just a sex partner, why he acted the way he has, or if he’s playing with you or not, but it doesn’t matter: there is no possible way that you and he will work out as anything other than sex buddies.

I usually have a difficult time editing what I want to say so that my reply is short enough, but not in this case. Please read your letter. You started as Craigslist sex buddies. You hooked up whenever you met, despite you saying it wasn’t necessarily what you wanted each time. You stopped communicating with him – and his response was to spend five seconds a week texting you, until months later, when he admitted he missed the sex but also missed you, the subject of a total of two minutes of his texting time over those months. He then proceeded to fail to be able to make dates that he himself had scheduled. He still can barely even text you. After sex, he kissed you on the forehead… which is endearing, but not really a sign of passion and not even a sign of closeness if it was all he did. Finally, seven months later, you went on a brief date, and he managed to hold your hand and put his arm around you… just like junior high.

There are a lot of great love stories. None of them start this way. Please value yourself enough to find a guy who is at least capable of making you confident about his interest in you.

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Comments on this entry are closed.

oldieJanuary 19, 2012, 3:12 pm

Yes, he is only interested in the sex. If you’re looking for an actual relationship, then MOA. Nobody breaks that many dates. You’ve had one date, which you found less than compeling in terms of length and the effort he put forth, in all the time you’ve known him. His texts are brief to the point of contentless and your kisses are on the forehead? Sounds like he plays by hooker rules. You’ve had all this sex with a guy who only kisses your forehead? That seems awfully strange, even for FWB. It sounds like he thinks of you as a free prostitute.

Try this: Read the first paragraph of your letter again, but imagine it was written by your future daughter when she is your age. Is that what you’d wish for her? Guess what… Neither did your mother. You are capable of more.

OOOH, this is great advice!

Thank god everyone’s on the same page that yes of course he is only interested in sex. You were not, from what it sounds like to me, even FWB. You are just B. Acknowledge that’s what you signed up for and then acknowledge its not what you want anymore. Then MOA.

LW, this guy is hurting you, not necessarily because he’s a douchebag, but because you’re letting him hurt you. You are friends with benefits, but you want a relationship. He is not going to be your boyfriend, and there is no rule that says he should HAVE TO. He is holding up his end of the bargain in your sex buddies relationship, but you are not.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with him being affectionate with you or saying “I miss you.” He is not trying to mislead you. You are choosing to be mislead.

At this point, you need to stop torturing yourself. Either stop seeing him altogether, or have an honest discussion about your feelings. You can’t blame him for acting casual, because by definition, your relationship is casual. So don’t be mad at him, and take charge of your own life!

Just ask him if he is open to a serious relationship with you. If not, move on. He might not want one, and you acting out to get what you want is not endearing. You can’t trick someone into being your boyfriend. They actually have to want a relationship too.

And stop reading into the little things. Kissing you on the forehead doesn’t mean he wants a relationship with you. Neither does holding your hand or putting his arm around you. Even taking you on a date doesn’t mean he wants a relationship with you. And that doesn’t make him the bad guy. That just means you are two people with different relationship priorities.

*laugh* Oh darlin’, you are the free prostitute he found on craigslist. Don’t ever look for anything other than “Booty Calls” on craigslist, and be glad you didn’t pick up any microscopic hitchhikers in the process.

Have some respect for yourself and walk away from this. You’ve wasted 7 months now. That’s enough time to waste, don’t you think?

I think the short answer to your question is, Yes. You are just a booty call. But, that’s kind of what you established at the beginning of your relationship, right? And then said you were going to change, but didn’t, and then just stopped talking to him. I don’t think your relationship is going to go anywhere, my guess is that you both want different things. There’s nothing wrong with sex buddies, but I do think it’s hard to establish a real relationship when you start that way. Definitely time to MOA.

looooool – LW do not do anymore sex buddies on craigslist. That is a breeding ground for creepy and low character men…. I’m also not sure you are the type to be able to separate sex/bonding from sex/fun…this skeezer totally used you and next time listen to your intuition. It has been screaming into deaf ears since you started “hanging out” with this guy.

Relax. Prostitutes don’t like being kissed. Especially the type of prostitute that advertises on craigslist. I’m not saying that she’s dirty – so there’s no blame – but there is a good chance that he thinks she’s a prostitute.

Shades of Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman”. Prostitutes will kiss on the mouth, especially if they are paid to do so. High end prostitutes are there to give the girlfriend experience, so yes, that does include kissing on the mouth.

The reason they don’t “like it” is because of STD risks like herpes. It’s harder to market the goods with cold sores marring those “goods”, y’know?

“Also – get tested… you probably were on his weekly rotation of women.”

Can’t she be having causal and protect sex? I never understood why people assume those two don’t go hand in hand? Like because people are not in monogamous relationships all of their common sense goes out the window. In fact historically I’m using twice as much protection in casual sex encounters than with boyfriend sexy times.

I’m looking…I’m looking..sure not the best idea, hands down but I still don’t think your ‘even if’ is warranted. You can be real dumb in some areas in life and have your very basic shit together in others.

Long time reader, first time commenter. I just want to chime in to say that I think there is some misinformation in your comment, although I’m sure unintended. HIV cannot be transmitted through a condom unless the condom breaks, and even then there are medications to help reduce the chances of transmission. It also cannot take years to appear. Three months is considered the time frame at which it can be detected in almost everyone who has the antibodies, with six months generally being the longest one would need to wait.

I don’t mean to be rude, just wanting to provide some information. Carry on.

My personal opinion is you should be tested between every sexual partener. Boyfriend, one night stand, sex buddy- it doesn’t matter to me. Your reassuring yourself that your protection method is working and safe gaurding your next partner. To me it doesn’t have anything thing to do with a Craigslist partner…just a responsibility to yourself and future parteners.

Yes, I am a firm believer in getting tested between, during and after new partners, for all the reason you outlined. And while craigslist is not the place I would go to to find new partners, lots of people practice safe and casual sex, no matter where they find their partners.

The old wisdom used to be that you won’t meet a nice partner at a bar. You’re even less likely to meet a nice partner on Craigslist. If you’re looking to meet someone online, try a site that’s a little less scuzzy. I hope you send us an update letting us know you met a studly, kind someone who you like much better than this fellow.

I met a nice partner on CL! And one of my acquaintances got married to a guy she met on CL. But I wouldn’t recommend it as a reliable vehicle for meeting men. Or at least men who want something resembling a real relationship. Even my nice partner wasn’t on there for any serious reason.

He agreed to it, but every time we met, it would lead to sex again, even after I told him not to look forward to it.

When I read that part I had to laugh because I thought “What did you do, slip and fall on his penis?” The LW makes it sound like she just can’t figure out why they keep having sex. I mean, she even told him not to look forward to it! And then they had sex! AGAIN! How is this happening?!

LW, I know you’re looking for evidence this guy likes you, but citing his post-sex forehead kissing is evidence that you’re scraping the bottom of a very shallow barrel. MOA.

Jiggs, while I agree with your comment, I’m put off by your condescending tone towards the LW.

The LW is most likely inexperienced, as evidenced by the fact that, as you pointed out, she considers forehead kissing as a sign of affection, and if she started to look for love on Craigslist, probably doesn’t have a very active social life (as in, she is probably pretty lonely).

With the compassion of someone who’s been there, and learned from her mistakes (hopefully), I’d recommend the LW to google the definition of “emotionally unavailable” men. And also to buy and read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?….” This last one should help the LW to spot red flags in the next guys she’ll probably go out with.

Someone said here on the website: “don’t believe what a man says, believe what he does” (or something like that). LW, what he says and what he does don’t match up, do they? Just look at what he does, and ignore his words.

And when you say something, make sure you follow through! This is so so so important! He doesn’t take you seriously, because you told him not to expect sex, and yet he charmed his way in several times (he is charming, isn’t he? And maybe manipulative, praying on your vulnerability…). LW, trust me – following through with your promises means you walk away with your dignity. Having dignity and self-respect at the end of the day counts so much more than the fleeting moments of kissing/cuddling/(etc). Yes, it hurts, and it takes a lot of willpower, but it will be worth it.

LW, IMHO, Yes, you are over-thinking this and yes, he just playing with you to gain trust so you won’t see your sex as just sex. I also think that if a relationship (or whatever you want to call it) starts out this way, it is very difficult to get it to progress into something other than a booty-call situation. FWB would probably be the most you should ever expect from it. I think it’s pretty obvious that you are looking for a real relationship – or at least one that includes interactions outside of the bedroom. It doesn’t appear to me that he is looking for the same. Just stringing you along to keep getting what he wants out of it – cause he is getting what he wants. Also, slightly OT………Dennis – I read your friend Ricks little essay there. I think the douchebaginess that is pouring off your your friend is right up there with the guy the LW is seeing. I thinks you may just be a bit blind to the extent of Rick’s DBness because he is your friend.

Hey, I gotta give guys like that credit for being open and honest. Maybe that sounds crazy, but at least they’re up front about what they are looking for. Not the guy’s fault if the girl changes her mind half way through…

I completely appreciate honesty. But, from what I took from what Rick wrote, he was only being completely honest with his internet audience. It doesn’t appear to me that he was being honest with “Linda.” It seemed like he was playing a game with her – and not telling her the rules of the game. Then, got mad that she broke the rules she didn’t know about, and made fun of her for it on top of it all. Like I said, I think honesty is a great trait – game playing, not so much.

I never understand it when people give snaps for being honest in these types of situations. “i’m a dick but i’m honest’ …congrats I guess? I just don’t get the pass people give others who use the ‘honest’ card when acting like complete assholes. wonderful, you have no self control and are aware of it yet doing nothing about it. So impressed. takes guts man. (or woman)

But he wasn’t honest with her, not really. It’s better explained in the comments over there, but he does just enough texting and responding to make it seem as though he’s interested in her as more than just a “cum sponge.” (he only wants her when he’s drunk, she’s not attractive enough for him when he’s sober)

His philosophy seems to be “because she lets me get away with this, she deserves it.” And I think that’s bullshit.

I don’t know why levels of douchebaggery matter so much here (I mean, if you’re standing in a pile of shit, does it matter at that point if you’re up to your ankles or your knees?), but no, I don’t think Rick is as big a douchebag as Craigslist dude here. The whole “I miss you.. no, I really do miss you, not just the sex” bs is what’s messing with the LW’s mind and leading her to believe he might be interested in her. As big a douche as Rick may be, he doesn’t pull pseudo-sappy mindfucks like that.

This may come across as judgemental, but personally I think you are nuts for sleeping with someone you found on Craigslist. Talk about asking to put yourself in a dangerous position. Who knows what kind of creep could be on the other end of that e-mail. There has got to be a better way to find a person to sleep with.

That being said…the only reason this dude hasn’t lost your number is because the sex is good. If it wasn’t he would be long gone. Do your self a favor and lose his number.

Not to quibble with your over all poing, but the risk you take meeting someone on Craigslist is not greater than meeting somebody anywhere. It sounds more dangerous because it’s so highly publicized when it goes wrong. Plenty of horrible situations arise meeting guys at a bar, at work, through friends, online dating, etc. It’s more about one taking as much care and responsibility for their safety as one reasonably can. Getting to know the person before you meet, meeting publicly first, letting people know where you are and when to reasonably expect you, yadda yadda yadda.

I understand what you’re saying…but I got the impression from this letter that they just met up for sex the first time with out the getting to know each other stuff. In my opinion meeting someone on a site such as match.com you have a lower chance of running into a creep due to the nature of the website. There is a section of Craigslist that is just about casual sex.

A round of applause to the men who really nailed every angle of this issue. Well done.

I think David Jay really got it here when he said that LW needs to “make herself” (my edit would be –“FEEL”–) worthy. A great way to start is by pursuing a meaningful relationship through a format FOR meaningful relationships.

You don’t shop for groceries in the hardware store, do you? So you shouldn’t shop for a meaningful relationship in the Craigslist Hook-Ups section.

Maybe you didn’t realize that’s what you wanted but it sounds like now you do. So, time to switch gears, shift priorities, identify what you want in a partner, and go SEEK it. I’ll help you start your wish list:

* Takes me on real dates

* Honors his commitments

* Is looking for a meaningful relationship

And, hey, don’t be too hard on yourself either. I’m willing to bet there are more than a few of us here who have tried to convert a fling/FWB into something more. Live and learn! Good luck and keep us posted!

“Read the first paragraph of your letter again, but imagine it was written by your future daughter when she is your age. Is that what you’d wish for her? Guess what… Neither did your mother. You are capable of more.” ^^I wish someone had pointed this out to me when I was just starting to date. This would have saved me from years of accepting crappy behavior from guys I was interested in.

LW, he will never be your boyfriend, but he’s perfectly content to confuse you into thinking he might…someday…if you’ll just stick around and let him continue to use you for sex until he gets bored and disappears from your life altogether. He’s been leading you on this whole time, and he won’t change. If a boyfriend is what you want, then your moving on from this guy is way overdue.

Another thing I find interesting and that Dennis also picked up on: you don’t come right out and SAY that you want this guy to be interested in a relationship with you. There was a time, LW, when I was ashamed to admit that I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted a boyfriend. I thought that simply admitting that was desperate behavior. Instead, I would go out of my way to put myself in the path of whatever guy I happened to like at the moment- showing up at parties where I thought he’d be, hanging out with his friends, going out of my way to visit him if he lived out of town, etc. But never did I admit that I liked him like THAT. Because that would drive him off, and what I was doing instead wasn’t desperate/bordering on pathetic at ALL. Thank goodness it never worked- I could have ended up with some serious losers based on my tastes at that time.

Point being, I’m picking up on a similar sense of shame, or maybe confusion, in admitting that you want more from this guy. Know what you want, and don’t be ashamed of it. Don’t settle for the scraps this guy is tossing at you.

It’s okay to want a relationship. Your sex buddy doesn’t want the same thing though. Stop contact, maybe take a quick trip to the doctor, and focus on men that can give you what you want. You aren’t the first girl to want to upgrade her sex buddy to something more – but accept that it is not happening and give your attention to men that actually are interested in YOU.

Ladies, when a man says that all he wants is a no strings attached FWB please know that that is exactly what he wants and nothing more. I’m not sure why women fool themselves into believing that they might eventually want more. Sure, some women are capable of having no strings attached sex but I think a majority of women think that’s what they want when in fact, they want a relationship. As far as him missing you, guys say shit to get you into bed.

You might be saying that you want more than a physical relationship but your actions clearly say otherwise. You chose a guy who was looking for a booty call. You may have told him you wanted more and that he shouldn’t count on sex every time he saw you but you accepted less and gave him sex every time he saw you.

I don’t get why you didn’t continue ignoring his texts. And if you knew the score well enough to tell HIM that he just missed the sex, why do you need anyone else to explain it to YOU?

I really only had to read that part before I could answer YES to “Am I just a booty call?”

Craigslist is where people go for NSA sex– it could be sex with somebody who shares the same rare kink as you, sex with another swinger couple, sex in exchange for a used sofa, or sex with a murderer (if you’re not particularly careful)

Maybe he’s deliberately manipulating you because you’ve made it clear you are looking for more & he knows the only way to have sex with you is to act as if he wants more, as well. Maybe he’s been in enough long-term relationships that kissing on the forehead and cuddling is just a muscle-memory reflex. Either way, whatever slight actions he takes that make you think “Maybe he’s interested in more…?” aren’t a sign that he actually does. Stop seeing him, texting him, and sign up for a legit dating website.

It makes me sad that people cling to insignificant details, like “he kisses me on the forehead after sex”, to try and convince themselves that the screaming feeling in their gut of being used is wrong.

Wanting and enjoying sex from another person? Fine. Developing a mutually satisfactory and honest set of ground rules for fulfillment of those sexual desires (ie. FWB or serious relationship)? Great! Expecting things from people that you’re not even clear that you want, pretending like you want less than you do, and reading into tiny details instead of focusing on the bigger picture of someone’s behavior and how you feel around them? Disaster!

While your Craig’s List sex friend is kissing you on the forehead, you imagine him thinking “I really care about this girl.” but he could just as easily be thinking “How can I get this girl to stop talking about relationships and get on to the sex? I know! I’ll kiss her forehead. Chicks dig that shit.”

I think this is one of those cases where the answer is blatantly obvious.. at least to everyone, except the LW. I guarantee you she will look back in 2 year and say, ” Wow, how could I even think that guy liked me?!?” But for now, all we can do is suggest that the LW either move on or accept that the situation is quite simple… you are the booty call.

LW, I want you to realize you are worth way more than what you’re settling for. It is ok to be alone, in fact, it’d be better for you to be alone than stay in this situation. It seems very clear to me that this guy just wants sex and you want more, but it’s not going to come from him. Move on, and the next guy you meet..get to know him, date him, try to wait a bit before sleeping with him. If you have sex with a guy right off the bat, there’s a good chance you’re going to get stuck in FWB land.

My thoughts are that this guy probably doesn’t really know what he wants. Sure, when you’re not around or giving him attention… he misses you! That’s probably not a lie. I’m sure he likes you and thinks you’re just the bee’s knees. Sex does tend to produce a bond, partially based on all the endorphins and whatnot created when you two are getting down (okay, so I’m no scientist… forgive my wording). But, I don’t think he likes you ENOUGH to actually make the effort. And that’s all that really matters. If he was going to come through for you, he would have already. Don’t let this be a blow to your self-esteem. As David Jay said… “You are capable of more.” Yes, this started as a sex only thing, but you are allowed to change your mind and decide you want someone that will bring much more to the table. Tell him “This isn’t going work out. I’m looking to seriously date now. I’d appreciate it if you could lay off on the texting for a while since it’s confusing me. Thanks for the good time” and then walk away!