WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM BEING A DOMINATRIX

I have been meaning to write a blog post on this topic for quite some time now. I am about to reach my 10 year anniversary working in the adult entertainment industry, and that has led to a lot of reflection about the time that has passed, the things I’ve gained, the things I’ve lost, and the experiences I’ve had.

POWER DYNAMICS

More than anything, I’ve learned about power dynamics. I’m not only referring to the power dynamics of Dominant/submissive (D/s) play, but I’m referring to the power dynamics in all relationships – between two people, multiple persons, groups and/or society. Those of you who know me, know that I am keenly aware of details and being able to observe power dynamics in body language, communication, and fantasy play has given me the opportunity to transfer those observations onto a larger scale. It can be very interesting and to sit back and watch the dynamics of a group where power shifts, gets tossed back and forth, is given up, and taken. It truly is a dance.

RESILIENCE

Another important thing I’ve learned by being a Dominatrix is resilience. Mostly, resilience from societal oppression and external shame that often comes along with doing work that is considered taboo and avant-garde. Many people who don’t understand the work I do have made assumptions, judged, ridiculed, and have even removed me from their lives. Believe me, this has been no great loss, for I am better off without people like that. Still, that doesn’t mean it sometimes doesn’t sting. However, after 9 years in the biz, nothing really gets to me like it used to.

BOUNDARIES

I’ve also learned that in order to be an effective leader/Dominatrix, one must have and maintain boundaries. These boundaries apply to clients, friends, and family. The intense and emotional involvement that is required of someone who is effective at being a Dominatrix requires a lot of self care and self reflection. It is crucial that I do not take on the emotional baggage of my clients, that I do not take others’ opinions as my own, and that I have a strong sense of self that does not waver when my morals and choices are being questioned. I cannot tell you how often I am faced with the opportunity to be strong. It’s a daily occurrence. However, I will add that being strong does not imply that I don’t feel the entire spectrum of emotions. I think, the strongest, allow themselves do just that.

RESPECT

I have gained a tremendous amount of respect for people who are brave enough to seek out the services of someone like myself in order to act on their desires. Admitting that you have desires that are often deemed as unusual is one thing, telling a complete stranger is another, and agreeing to meet that stranger to play, well, that requires an entirely different level of courageousness. It is true that not everyone bursts into the dungeon and shamelessly expresses his/her kinks and fetishes and says, “Yippe! Let’s go!” However, just sending that first email takes a hell of a lot of guts, and that is something I respect.

ABOUT SEX

In regards to sex, I’ve learned that there are MANY ways that people can have sex, and sexual intercourse – in my world – definitely does not resemble the vanilla version of penis-vagina penetration. I’ve learned that sex can be tying someone up and tormenting them with pain or pleasure. I’ve learned that sexual expectations are better left at the door, and it is more beneficial to enjoy the company of another person and to be entirely present. I’ve learned that sex is not a football game, and you can remove the goal – or the orgasm. I’ve learned that erotic experiences that involve psychological stimulation give much more satisfaction than shallow encounters that occur primarily between the legs – not to say that there is not room for that in life, too.

LONELINESS

Being a Professional Dominatrix has taught me a TON about loneliness – mine and others. What I’m referring to is loneliness on a deep level – the loneliness that occurs when someone does not have that special someone in his/her life with whom secrets can be shared. It is the loneliness that is experienced by people who are married to people who would judge them for their desires, and it is the loneliness that comes from not having anyone to talk to, except your Mistress. Thank goodness there are people like me who exist to provide outlets for those who are silenced. Silence should never have to be the answer. Silence is shame is violence, and you all know how I feel about shame.

In regards to my loneliness, I have learned what it is like to not have people close to me understand my work or even have the courage to ask me about it. I have worked in the industry for ten years, and I can count, on one hand, the number of supportive, connecting conversations I’ve had with family members about the nature of my work. Therefore, I have learned to deal with the wonderful and not so wonderful experiences on my own, simply because there really are so few people who “get it” or want to take the time to “get it.” Most people would rather glaze over my experience as Professional Dominatrix than inquire about things they might not understand or things that might embarrass them. So many people fetishize my work, and while there is a certain amount of that that is appropriate, I still am a human being and do not want to be only sexualized. I would like it if others would take more of an interest, but I understand that not everyone is capable. I must be satisfied with the magical moments that occur between the people I play with and myself. It is enough.