Monday, February 28, 2005

So, I had to stop and ask myself (during one of the 5,000 commercial breaks) why I am addicted to watching The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. The answer to this question is that I'm a hopeless and helpless romantic, which was evident after my little online quiz that told me I'm more romantic than EIGHTY per cent of the rest of mankind!!! This was a huge slap in the face, which woke up lil ol me, who thought I was as tough as nails...and that I would pity the fool that ever tried to make me swoon.

I think I enjoyed watching the Bachelorette decide whether she'd choose her heart over her head or vice versa. It's most interesting to watch it with others and see what their opinions are...because it's insight to how they are wired. I think marriage means something different to everyone. But, in our culture we are trained to believe that it's more of a choice you make with your head. If everything matches up (Family background, education, religion, and appearance)...then there's no reason NOT to move forward.

But, I guess this is why I haven't moved forward...because there is a reason not to move forward...there are lots of reasons...but they aren't reasons you would question with your head...but that you would FEEL with your heart. Love isn't something that just looks good and matches up on paper...it's something that connects between two hearts...two souls.

Sheesh...I'm a pile of mush. Now I pity the fool that DOES make me swoon...

Sunday, February 27, 2005

I remember when I found out Sonia was moving to NJ after her wedding...I didn't think I could survive it. We spent every day together...car pooling to work, meeting up for lunch, then hanging out in the evenings as we planned for the wedding or just kicked back and relaxed. But thanks to a few visits to NJ and daily phone calls...I did survive. When she came back, I was so elated. This time around things were different...we haven't seen each other daily due to her school and my work...and her splitting her time between her inlaws, parents, church, work, etc...But despite that fact, it was still comforting to me to know that she was HERE...that we could talk over Johnny Carino's Chocolate Cake...that she'd be here for my birthday...that she could race home after school and watch the Bachelorette with me.

It hit me today like a ton of bricks that I'll only be able to enjoy that comfort for one more month...and she'll be off again to enjoy the palm trees in sunny Florida. I know there'll always be homecomings and visits to Florida, but I'm going to miss my BF. Life has taught me that there are very few people in this world that you can trust...who will be there with you for the long haul...and this is why I cherish our friendship.

Friday, February 25, 2005

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2004I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Every morning I wake up at six...and debate whether or not I should go to work. For fifteen minutes I lay and think about what I'm going to say when I call in. Then I decide that I can't call in because "such in such" might happen or "so and so might need me." So, then I decide I'll call in and say I'll be an hour late. After deciding upon this, I doze off to sleep and dream about my co-workers. By 6:30, I'm awake again, realizing I don't want to deal with the hassle of calling one of the girls to let them know I'll be late. I roll off my bed and hesitantly start my day.

I realize that I've not just reached burn out level...I have surpassed it. The daily grind is taking its toll on me. I walk into work along side people who have worked here 15 to 25 years, and it scares me. Don't they feel what I feel? Do they just ignore it and deal? Already, I've been here 6 years next month. That's way longer than I thought. It's not something I'm ashamed of or regret...but I just don't want to be them 20 years later "dealing" with this grind.

I don't know if I need a long vacation...or a permanent change of scenery. I endlessly search for both. Until then...I watch my clock at the bottom corner of my computer...8:29am. At 11:30 it will be lunch and I will celebrate a little victory...I've made it through almost half way. At 1:00...I'll wish it was 4:00. At 2:30, I'll swear it feels like 4:30....at 4:00, I'll rejoice that I have only 45 minutes left to go. By 5:00...I'll be starting my car, relieved that I survived the day...and already dreading tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I don't want to be here. When I say "here" I don't just mean work or Oklahoma...I mean the universe. At this moment, I rather be in some alternate place where I wouldn't have to deal with hurtful people who hide behind the guise of being men/women of God...where there is actually justice and people who do bad are punished and people who do good are rewarded. That place does exist and it is perfect...it is Heaven, and I have a looooooooong way to go before I can get there.

I know there are millions of innocent people every day that suffer...who are subjected to cruelty and haenous acts. Yesterday I read an article in O magazine about women of the Congo...where 90% of the women in those villages are gang raped. Afterwards, they are shunned by their husbands who are often too cowardly to even try to proctect them from these militants who invade their villages. Compared to this, my life is a bed of roses.

But, it makes you wonder...why? Why do these women suffer? Why are kids abused? Why are loved ones snatched away from us by tragic deaths? Why do people you trust stab you in the back? The answer to those why's is that the world is an unjust place. It's not meant to be peaceful or happy...because then we'd never want to leave. Even God's own son had to face cruelty, abuse, and injustice here...and He was perfect. Sometimes that answer doesn't seem like it's "enough." But, I keep telling myself that in this injust world...we have a just God that knows all and sees all...and that people who hurt His children...will face their judgment. With that...I have to find peace.

Monday, February 21, 2005

I spent most of last night watching a dreadful Hindi film at a friend's house. As usual, it was way long and pretty much a waste of 3 hours of my life that I can never get back. Minus the singing and dancing and cheesy deluxe romance, however...the movie did propose an interesting question. Do you believe in destiny? I asked the girls as we watched it, and 2 out of the 4 of us said yes. At certain points in my life I would have said DEFINITELY YES...and now as I kinda meander through the cosmos trying to figure what the heck I'm here for and what the heck I should be doing...I'm kinda thinkin...I GOT NO CLUE ABOUT DESTINY. But, I guess I'm dwelling too much on the word, which is only a romanticized word for "God's plans, path, providence.." and I definitely believe in that. I think to believe in destiny is to have hope and faith...and with out hope and faith...there's not much left to life.

Friday, February 18, 2005

read something today about "pecking order." I had never heard that term being used before. It is the term used when a weak baby chick is born and all the other chickens peck it to DEATH. I thought that sounded really cruel and unusual, and as I really thought about it, I realized that humans do it too... Except humans "peck" with hostile words, balk talk, dirty looks, etc. It has the same affect as pecks...it tears away at you. We tend to view those who are different to be "weaker" than us...somehow less of a person than we are. I've experienced this in my own life...for various different reasons...I'm sure we ALL have. I guess the best things to do to try to stop the pecking order...is try to accept people for who they are and understand that in God's eyes we all are equal. It's definitely easier said than done...but it's like I was telling a friend of mine....we ALL have quirks. For example, I have a quirk that probably annoys most of my friends. I don't call married people. 9 out of 10 times, they have to call me. In my mind, I just don't want to bug them. Now, they can A. either accept that I don't call them and try to understand why...or B. get mad and talk noise about me being a lousy friend that never calls. So, I guess what I'm saying is...we accept the quirks and move on and deal if we can or just not be around the person if we can't...but try our best not to peck the heck out of our fellow man.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I'm a fairly boring person, and I pretty much think I express everything that goes on in my life in either my flog or blog. The only thing I don't express are EXTREMELY personal things about my family, friends, and myself...in other words, things that are no one elses's friggin business. But, as I said earlier, I lead a fairly boring life...so I have no idea what "someone" would be so freaking curious about that they would find it necessary to try to BUST into my gmail account. So, "someone" ...if you're reading this...GET A LIFE. If you have nothing else to do, but try to read my emails...you must have a very sad life. And if you want to be a trickster...at least be smart enough to figure out my password...then I'd have to give you a little bit of credit for actually having a brain...but geez, be smarter than to request a password change and think I won't find out about it. So, put away your camoflauge and your spy glass, super sleuth...and worry about your own dang self...cuz curiousity kills the cat

Monday, February 14, 2005

I tried to look up the history of Valentine's day. I didn't learn much...something about St. Valentine and the several different theories of why we celebrate. So, in conclusion...know one knows. And as I had origianlly assumed...this holiday is quite useless. However, I must admit that it is FUN! I try my best to wear black and stay grumpy...but usually something always happens to me on Valentines Day that makes me SMILE!...y can't people just let a girl be grumpy? I think my favorite Valentines day was when my team members decorated my cubey while I went downstairs for break. They made a huge card and hung it from the ceiling. it was so sweet. So, although I act like a hater...I really LOVE valentine's day...because I think it's just a great day to make the special people in your life feel special!

Friday, February 11, 2005

If there's one thing I can't stand...it's inconsistency. One of my biggest pet peeves is moody people. It's worse when you're co-workers are moody because they can be totally cool one day and moody and mute the next....or even your church members cuz one Sunday you can laugh and joke around and the next week you get the evil eye. You just never know what to expect. Why's it so hard for people to be consistent these days? If you're a friend..stay a friend...if you burn a bridge with someone, don't expect to put it back together a week later. Make your decisions and stick with it.

While I'm discussing pet peeves...here's another one. judgmental people. the kind who judge someone because of their profession...their GPA....their bank account balance...their "sinlessness." Today, I had someone ask me a favor...he said he wouldn't ask anyone else this favor because he knew no one else would do it for him. and i knew he was right...no one would...cuz they treat him like he's "lower" than them and it pisses me off to no end. How can you SAY you're a Christian and act like that?

I'm not saying I'm perfect...I'm so not. I'm grumpy, pessimistic...strange. But, I think I have a BASIC concern for others feelings...we're talking BASIC...why's it so hard for people to have BASIC concern??? *sigh* I'll never understand.

My friend, Billy likes violence....so let me give him some. These pet peeves makes me feel like kickin some serious arss! Throwin some folks down. Beatin some tar outta some people up in here. ehehe..but that'd be inconsistent to my normal behavior...so then i'd be one of them and would have to beat own dang self. =)

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I've known *T* for about three years now,and I feel that knowing her has allowed me to see what God can do if you LET Him do it. *T* has come a long way from when I first met her. At that time, she and her son were living in a shelter for abused women and children. She was struggling to move out of the shelter, find a safe place to raise her son, and be her own person with out the monster that she married. While listening to the story of her struggles, I often wondered how something so terrible could happen to someone so undeserving. Throughout the past three years, I've seen T gain her independence back...I've also seen her try to find love. Sometimes it seemed hopeless. She started finally going back to church, devoting herself to Christ...and she finally found the right man. They're getting married and buying a home. She's completely different from the T I met three years ago. But, when she told me her good news...I praised God. She let Him take control of her life...and He showed her what He could do with it...how much He could change it. I thought instantly of the story of Esther...a poor orphaned girl...who became queen. As depressed as life makes me at times...as dicouraging as it can be...inside I dream of being Esther one day... And T's story made me realize how possible that is.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I remember when I first met my buddy John. We were at a coffee shop and he was showing me this great story he started. Till this day, the man hasn't finished it. He's called me so many times and read me great "Starts" to awesome stories, but the starts never had an ending. I never understood what his problem was...until I started to suffer from the same problem. These days...I can only think of starts...no middles...and certainly no endings. Here's the start I worked on today. I have no clue where the hellz I'm going with this. But I know I really like the last sentence...now if I only could move on!!!

She watched the Bachelorette pass out the final rose and switched off the TV. “Romance is so over-rated,” she said to herself as she burrowed beneath her down comforter. She was so glad her mom convinced her to put the comforter on her wedding registry. Who would have thought it would be with her longer than her husband?

I was reading SG's page...clicked a link to see how old I am (28, by the way)...and somehow ended up taking a test to see if i was a romantic or a realist. I have always prided myself on being a realist...only to discover...I've been a romantic undercover! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

You Are A Romantic

You are more romantic than 80% of the population.

You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to.
Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you.
Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted.
Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

I decided to blog tonight for two reasons (despite the fact that I'm tired as all heck)...#1 I have fresh new thoughts on my mind...and #2 I didn't want to dissapoint the one person who reads this blog first thing in the morning as a daily ritual...Yes, that'd be you, Billy. I'm back from Houston now...It was a very insightful trip. Something happened along the journey that I found to be quite symbolic...and spoke to me and made me re-think a few issues I've been having with my own dang self. If you recall, Thursday before I left for the wedding of my cousin Bobby...I had done a special tribute to him on my flog, mentioning that I was the only one left now to be married. Yes...me...Hans SOLO...the LONE ranger...at least that's what' I thought on Thursday. As I was driving to Houston, I got lost along the way...it was frustrating, it was annoying, it was tiring...all i wanted to do was GET THERE! I knew all my cousins were already at the Roce Ceremony...having fun, taking part in the festivities...all with out me. The most frustrating part of the journey was trying to explain to my mother that although we missed 45 to Houston...I could still take 287, go thru Ennis and Corsicana...then get on 45 and still make it to Houston. "There's more than one way to get to a destination," I explained. When we finally got there...I did miss most of the Roce...but you know what? When I saw my cousins...I was so excited...just happy to BE THERE...and thoroughly enjoyed my time. Despite the fact that I did miss some of the ceremony..I still bonded...still spent time with the fam...still had fun. So, that night in the hotel...I thought that this trip was symbolic of my life. My cousins are all already at this "place" in life...I want to get there so bad...and I'm trying to find my way...I've gotten lost along the way...taken an alternate route even...but eventually, I'll meet them at their "place"...it's just a matter of time. And here's what i realized...since i'm going through all this...it just makes the end result all the more sweet and precious. And...since my path is longer...and crazier...I have more stories to tell! =)

Thursday, February 03, 2005

I just experienced a weird moment. I went to the ladies room and my co-worker followed me in. Typically...I 'd look in the mirror, acting as if I had a lash lost in my eye...and then gracefully exit. I guess you can say I'm crazy shy. Why can't stalls be sound proof? Anyhoo...today I really had to go...due to my "try to drink more water" phase. So, I didn't really care if the Queen Mother followed me in there. Anyway, I go in my stall and she went in hers...and then she starts talking me. Asking me if *BC* ...the big cheese...called for the day. And goes on to say...that the cheeses never call when you want them to...only when u don't expect them...I didn't say a word...didn't utter a response. Something seems weird to me about peeing and conversing at the same time. So I sat there silently...a bit worried if she thought I was being anti-social. I know this is all a little bit TMI (too much info)...but I had a weird moment and now I want you to too. All I ever wanted was a moment of silence!

In one day, I applied to five jobs in various locations in the U.S. I took the time out to write out cover letters separately for each job, instead of one generic one for all of them. I await anxiously for a glimmer of hope. At minimum, an email reply would be nice. "Dear Ms. Varghese, we got your resume and frankly, we think you suck. Keep dreaming if you think you're going to land a job with us." At least a hateful email like that would let me know that indeed my email did go to the right place....that it's not actually lost in the black abyss...swimming in cyberspace. Looking for jobs can leave you with the most hopeless feeling. I would just stop looking, be happy with my crappy paying job in cow-town Oklahoma, and continue assisting BC....but I know I'm meant for more than that. I listened to Pastor Joel Osteen speak last Sunday. I wasn't going to watch the show...cuz these days I sleep at 9 pm, and waiting up till 10:30 seemed unbearable to me. But SunuA convinced me to do so. I was glad I did because he discussed "Your God-given Purpose." And I realized that working in the office of BC isn't my God-given Purpose....the more he talked the more I realized that I have to pursue what I really want to do...or else I'm never gonna feel content. I'm so tired of dreading the week days and praying for Friday evenings at 4:45 to come sooooooooon. I know there are a lot of people who are rowin' the same boat as me. So, all I can say is...keep on keepin on, guys. Just look at Jamie Foxx...from Booty Call to oscar nomination for Ray... This shall be us too some day...we just gotta pay our dues!

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Yep, it's me again...third time's a charm. For weeks I've wanted to blog, but just couldn't remember my sign in. I'm a retard, I know. Anyway, I've decided this year that the best thing to do is get active. This was brought about by a great conversation with my friend *ME* She suggested that I do things to occupy my time, so I wouldn't stop and dwell on things such as, shady people, living in Oklahoma, being single, and my inability to find a job elsewhere. I agree with her. My first step in doing this was joining Project Read. I've started tutoring my student, and it's been really interesting. I have to devote a lot of time thinking about how to help her and creating lesson plans. More than anything, I feel blessed that I did have an education, and I realize how much I've taken it for granted. I have to go back and teach this woman the basics of phonics. When she was in school they stopped teaching phonics and people learned to read by rote memorization. Seeing the word...memorizing it's meaning and how it looked. I can't imagine trying to read that way, and I see how much she struggles with it. It complicates the whole process. But, I'm CONFIDENT of the fact that she WILL learn because she wants it more than anything. And that, has truly inspired me to not give up and keep pursuing my dreams and goals.