We read In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer and Life & Style this week, and now you don’t have to. That should open up some time for you.

A famous pal says Amanda Bynes should be committed, Jennifer Aniston has been hiding her baby bump, Miranda Lambert will stand by her man, Lindsey Vonn can’t figure out how to break up with Tiger Woods, Kimye’s babye is ruining everything, and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

In Touch

In Touch

This week, In Touch provided us with the truth at last in the Khloe Kardashian-Odom paternity showdown. You'd think that the truth is that nobody actually cares, but in reality Khloe, terrified but desperate for an answer, confronts mama Kris about her real father. Seriously, it could topple the Kardashian empire. Finally. (As if.)

It’s a tabloid cover, so there has to be some kind of baby news. Get your happy pants ready because, it’s time for baby number two for Giuliana Rancic. Hooray.

We just can’t muster the exclamation. Mostly because it’s hard to get excited when, whoa, Kate Middleton won’t even show her baby bump.

Meanwhile, a famous pal is pleading with anyone who listens to famous pals and saying that Amanda Bynes should be “committed.” Committed to maybe getting those cheek piercings out, we hope.

Of course, if she did that, every time she had a shot of tequila, it would just dribble out of the sides of her face. There’s something we’d like to see her post on Twitter.

Oh, and congratulations are in order for Matt Damon. He waited the proper amount of time for his Hollywood stock to reach its pinnacle and then renewed his vows with his wife so they could have some A-list “I dos.” (He might also just be incredibly committed to his marriage, but how many tabloids would that sell?)

Star

Star

Baby bump watchers, get out your surveillance equipment. Star magazine figured out that Jennifer Aniston has been hiding her bump. Finally, at the age of 44, Jen is going to be a pregnant bride.

Yes, with two years of fertility treatments, you can end up with a miracle baby. Miraculous in the number of times the rumor mill has conjured said baby out of thin couture, of course.

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have experienced a shocking split. In a revolt against her strict adherence to the Adkins diet, and to get Ozzy to stop drinking and taking drugs, Sharon insisted they visit the Ben & Jerry’s factory in Vermont where they dined on a ridiculously large – and rather shocking – banana split, described by the company as “a boatload.”

When you have the munchies … you have the munchies, yo.

Seems Leonardo DiCaprio and Julianne Hough have begun a match of some kind. This is made clear through Star’s declaration of “It’s on!” And because hot-but-useless celebrity love matches are boring, we’re hoping they’ve engaged in a land battle of some sort.

Perhaps both want to call the same Dean & Deluca their turf or maybe they’ve both claimed the drive-thru at In-n-Out as their own. Anything that will keep us from having to hear about Julianne’s baby bump six months from now.

Lisa Vanderpump is involved in some kind of nude movie scandal. For a minute we thought nothing on video could be more tragic than her stint on ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ but now we see how wrong we were. We can only hope that the nudity here means she finally stopped dressing that poor dog.

Us Weekly

Us Weekly

The sleuths at Us Weekly found out what we figured out last week: Miranda Lambert says about her marriage crisis, “I’ll stand by my man.” She also said that divorce is not an option. According to the tabs, that’s despite Blake’s flirting and stories of his cheating. According to her it’s because all of it is made up.

If she’s monitoring his phone and email, we can’t blame her. He’s pretty amusing on Twitter, so maybe his messages are good entertainment while he’s away.

Tori Spelling has a bikini body after four kids. It’s funny that Us Weekly felt like we needed another reason not to like her. It’s also funny that after that botched boob job, we’re supposed to believe her bikini body wasn’t sculpted by some coastal plastic surgeon.

One of MTV’s Teen Moms, some chick named Farrah – we stopped caring about what their names are – has a sad story. She has turned into a porn star. Hey, she got knocked up in high school. We know she’s easy. She might as well get paid for it. She’s got breasts - errrr - mouths to feed. If mommies can be bloggers, we feel like they can also be porn stars.

Wow, Lauren Graham has been on a diet for 35 years. We’ll have whatever she’s having. And then, someone please tell her it worked. She can stop now. She’s gorge and it would be nice to see her on the cover instead of one of Tori Spelling’s kids or those weird fake ta-tas on the Teen Mom trollop.

National Enquirer

National Enquirer

John Travolta and Kelly Preston have dirty divorce secrets. These must be new secrets since the National Enquirer aired most of their dirty laundry a few weeks ago.

Anyway, Travolta has a male friend whose dark past has been exposed. Also, something surprising really happened on the day his son died.

John and Kelly are still attractive. They need to make this into a movie and let us watch it. They’re going to need the money after all this divorcing hullabaloo.

After last week’s icky Michael Jackson death cover, we aren’t at all shocked that the National Enquirer was happy to put bloody pics from the Boston Marathon bombings on the cover. The graphic says they talk about the heroes of the horror, but the photos say they really want you to take a look at the unthinkable because you just can’t help it.

Stay classy, Enquirer.

There’s good news too: Lisa Marie Presley dropped 50 pounds. We don’t have to wonder how she did it. Have you ever tried to carry 50 pounds? It's heavy. Unless you’re really strong, of course you’re gonna drop that stuff. And probably hurt your back in the process. Unless you lift with your legs.

Unsurprisingly, Lindsey Vonn is hiding something -- Tiger Woods’ new love is involved in a suicide attempt drama. Look, we saw his last round at Augusta National a couple of weeks ago. If that wasn’t golf suicide, we don’t know what is.

Life & Style

Life & Style

Pregnant Kim – one of the alternate forms of Kim Kardashian – is whining that “this baby is ruining my life.” We totally know what she means. We feel like it’s ruining our lives too.

Kim can’t stop eating and the tabs can’t stop talking about the babye. She’s blaming her pregnancy for everything in her life going wrong. We’re blaming it for giving us yet another reason we have to talk about her.

Ever the humanitarian, Life & Style also poses the perpetual question of the universe: Can anyone save the tragic Amanda Bynes? Questions about whether she’s worth saving or if anyone really cares are not being asked, but that’s because the universe doesn’t like to be hounded. We blame Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy.

Adele has new wedding details. She hasn’t decided who’s going to sing, though. When you’re Adele, who do you have sing at your wedding? That’s like asking Emeril who will cater his. Or asking Zsa Zsa Gabor who’s going to get married at hers.

Finally, Emma Stone has a two dollar beauty secret that you won’t believe. The secret is that she’s a celebrity and companies give her free stuff all the time, so she doesn’t have to buy beauty products.

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