Local Man To Convert To Voodoo/Santeria

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, 'star' of some extremely dull YouTube videos, and contributor of the less good bits of The Dorking Review coffee table book, last night announced that he is to renounce his Roman Catholicism, and become a fully fledged Voodoo High Priest, with links to the ancient and mysterious pagan sect of Santeria.

It is thought that Shuttlecock was inspired to make the switch when his long suffering wife Anne, showed him how to carve effigies of his enemies out of King Edward potatoes.

Popular thought has it that when sharp pins are poked into the effigy, the 'enemy' will suffer indescribable agonies in a similar part of the body.

"Not that I'd ever actually use this awesome 'gift' in anger," Shuttlecock smirked, somewhat smugly it must be said. "But I came in for a lot of stick for the book and the YouTube thing, and it pays to know how to hit back hard, from a distance. Anne knows all about this stuff, and she's made arrangements for my initiation ceremony next week. As I said, I would never dream of putting this 'gift' to use; you could just call it a deterrent. A bit like a lengthy prison sentence and that."

Long suffering wife Anne, freely admitted that she'd taught her husband the secrets of the dark arts, the gypsy curse, and the ability to conjure up zombies.

"I've told him to be extra careful with the potato effigies," she said. "Because if the spell is still active when he slices the potato up and pops it into the chip pan, that can lead to some extremely bad juju. He's a dopey bastard at the best of times, but I think he got the message. At least I hope he got the message. Nobody wants bad juju. Trust me."

Oh dear...

More as we get it.

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