That’s how it feels right now. and I am not sure if I am in the wrecked car or watching it from outside. I guess it could be both. Today is a required assembly for all our high school students on sexual abuse. Today after school there is a required seminar for the teachers and staff. Tomorrow is smaller class-room sessions for the kids. The assembly is going on as I type this. I had the choice to attend or not. It is like the car wreck example – don’t want to look – but can’t look away. I really wanted to hear what they are telling the kids – but not sure I could take it. I decided not to go. later today will be enough – no – too much. I know it is important and necessary. But the motives of “protection, prevention and intervention” seem to be overshadowed by my feelings of vulnerability and even guilt. Not that I ever did anything to anyone – but I am an adult – and they are kids – and that is enough to trigger me at this time. And at the same time I am feeling like I did as a kid-victim myself. Very disorienting. I have lost the ability to just remove myself when I most need to. The only good thing is I have fewer classes to get through because of the assembly.

Oh - one other good thing – my T contacted the jerk who conducted the seminar last year and encouraged him not to state, claim, suggest or even imply that abuse victims are likely to become abusers. That myth was what kept me from seeking help for a long time – the fear of being branded a perpetrator – or potential one, myself. My T provided other, more accurate research – and got the assurance that the myth will not be repeated.

lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

Traveler - I'm sorry you're being confronted by this in a situation that makes it so isolating. In your workplace you really have to "keep up appearances".

When I was in school we always had special guest lecturers for assemblies on "heavy" topics who actually had firsthand experience: survivors of drug abuse, gang activity, horrible accidents / fires, cancer, esting disorders, teen pregnancy, divorce, and parental death. They even had someone with HIV give a little talk and this was in the '80s! But when it came to SA, that very much got the "third hand" treatment - no one to represent, no one to say what it actually means when you can't say no, when you don't matter, when it hurts.

I suspect if there were a guest lecturer who was openly a survivor, it would have seemed far less alienating to you.

i survived. there were a couple of case study type anecdotes that brought me close to tears, but i kept a firm grip and made it through. the knowledge of support from others here really helped.

the sad thing is that the presenter is so insensitive. i would like to be able to see him as an ally. after all he is for the same things that we value - awareness, advocacy, prevention, intervention, recovery - for victims - and exposure and prosecution for perps. but his manner makes him feel like "the enemy."

my wife asked me if it felt like being abused again. i said - no - it's more like the *anticipation* of being abused again. i felt like i was sitting there with a big sign on me that screamed "VICTIM!" afraid to react and needing to. but also needing to keep it secret. just like before. knowing that no one there understands. (except that statistically - there probly were several who DO understnad and were feeling similar to me.)

this is the 2nd of 4 sessions - so i get to do it all over again in jan-feb and again in the spring. since we have to go through this training annually, they keep changing it up so that it is not too repetitious. good idea educationally - but it also makes me much more anxious - not knowing what to expect. the worst is the small group discussions. once we even had to do role-playing.

if it wasn't for the kids, i wouldn't put myself through this. i have alsready noticed the school counselor more busy than usual since yesterday's assembly. she is a god-send.

i see my T later today. i am glad about that.

Lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

I can only image how difficult it must be to listen, I get sad when I read or hear about a CSA case, get angry when I hear the perp gets away. Sometimes I feel as the odd person out with my reactions, feeling it happening and empathizing with the victim, it seems those around me respond, it is just news--

When I hear about a CSA case on the news, it's usually because the perp has been caught. That doesn't un-do the harm already done, but it means the perp is through perpetrating (unless he's sentenced in Canada!)

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