It's all the things, half the time, rather than half the things all the time

Just when I thought…

Just when I thought I was getting past this whole thing, and my life was looking up, somehow, I have the impression that it’s never going to get any better. I’m just not happy with the way things are. The family dynamic isn’t what I want, and while I wasn’t terribly happy before, I’d prefer that to the “freedom” I have now. It’s not really about having a wife, it’s more about not having a family.

I hate to admit this, because I’ve been on what seems like a pretty good run, and I know well, that there are ups and downs for everything, but the past few weeks have been pretty serious downs, and there’s not outside reason for it. It feels like someone reached in and knocked over all the blocks I’d put up to hold myself up, and I have to start from scratch. And while I know, logically, that’s not the case, it certainly feels like the case. Everything I’ve done to be ok over the last year has crumbled, and I’m right back where I started from.

I feel like that thing that broke, and you glue it together, and it holds for a while, and then breaks again, and it’s more broken this time, but you glob more glue on it, and press it together, and it holds for a little less them than the first repair, and breaks. This time, there’s a few more cracks, and a little piece is missing, but you grab the tube of superglue and hope for the best. You never really fix the thing, but it has the appearance of not being broken, of holding together, for a while. And if you don’t ever use it, it holds up well, but the minute you take it down and start to use it… snap.