"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

I'm not sure we're disagreeing, more a change of emphasis, but in my experience it is those people who feel, but don't want to, who develop compensating behaviours - and addictions would be one in a range of +ve&-ve coping mechanisms.

I'm not sure we're disagreeing, more a change of emphasis, but in my experience it is those people who feel, but don't want to, who develop compensating behaviours - and addictions would be one in a range of +ve&-ve coping mechanisms.

I totally agree. Often they're trying to repress them, but they are more given to internalisation and self reflection, so the focus is always on the inner states. Hence turning to external habits to bring their focus out of themselves. People who are successful at repressing, or projecting, tend to be more outwardly focused: either through interests, or socially.

And it's not that "emotional people" necessarily experience a wide range of emotions: they are still trying to repress but the repression is only partially successful, and so instead they distil specific emotions into one large mood. This mood becomes overwhelming.

For example: I've got massive issues with anger. I rarely feel it. Along with a plethora of other emotions I'm pretty sure I suppress it, and the amalgamation of these feelings is overwhelming, crippling depression.

Somewhere along the way I told myself anger was bad, but depression was okay, so that's my default setting.

I think people who are in touch with their emotions are healthy, functioning human beings. If you look at animals, they completely give in to their emotions at any time. It's natural!

"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

1) Yesterday was a bad day, and I didn't want to relive it.
2) I was busy arguing about atheism on the nutrition forum (as you do), and I didn't want to sandwich my open-hearted journal between posts where people were probably judging and making assumptions about my character. It felt too vulnerable.

Particularly because I wrote a stupid poem yesterday and was going to start the entry with that, ha So here it is.

How can it be right when it feels so wrong?
This fat girl jumping to a fit man's song.
Wading through the vapours of the ghosts she has within,
Eating to excess when she wants to be thin.

Flesh is feeling, flowing -
Pouring through her shape.
Eyes the size of stomachs,
How much can linings take?

And at the end of the day:
I caved and weighed myself today - I'm up 6 lbs since I started this two weeks ago. And I'm pretty sure it's fat, not muscle, because I'm growing exponentially in all directions.

This is pointless. I'm not noticing any physical benefits. My BM seemed to right themselves briefly, but over the last five days my digestion has gone A-wall. I'm barely 'going', and I have really bad wind (sorry reader, know that's TMI! I've resisted til now but I need it for the records). My nails are breaking, I don't want to exercise, I smell different, even my hair looks dull. All that's happening is that I'm getting fatter.

I guess it might be time to share something. There's only one other time in my life that I've ever weighed this, and for the last five years I've lived in fear that I would be this weight again. I was 27, still living a very hedonistic life in Ireland. I got into a lot of intensely sexual relationships which usually didn't last more than a few months, and ended badly. I was drinking a lot, partying a lot, taking a lot of drugs. I was in a job where I was making more money that I knew what to do with, but it was really stressful, and I hated the work. I didn't want to live in Ireland. I was binging a lot. I was about to snap.

Funny how it takes the lowest ebb to turn the tide.

I was at a party one night, and I fell asleep. I woke up and one of my male friends: a good friend, was lying beside me. He was awake. His fingers were inside me. I froze. I knew what was happening. But I didn't know what to do. I don't know how long he was doing it for, but when he started to climb on top of me and I realised his dick was out I knew I had to do something. But I was still frozen.

And then he was on top of me, but all i could manage to do was keep my eyes close and move slightly, to imply I was waking up. He froze. I moved a little more, he instantly dived beside me and pretended to be asleep. I waited a few minutes, then I tore out of the house.

After that I completely went off the rails. I binged every night and every day, I stopped seeing my friends, I barely made it into work. I gained a lot of weight.

After about two months I quit my job, moved out of my house, and went to India, where I lost the weight. I confronted my "friend", but didn't press charges.

That weight was a physical marker for me that I was completely out of control of my habits, my life, and that even the boundaries of my body were not my own. I thought that if I was ever that weight again (16 lbs more than my "happy" weight) it would mean that I was back at that place of betrayal, guilt, anger, helplessness, and shame that I wasn't strong enough to stop it.

Yesterday I realised I am that size again.

I know logically I'm not back where I was, but I wonder if it's just the same shit, different context?

I associate my weight with who I am and how successfully I am shaping my life. Since Christmas I don't feel like I'm shaping anything: everything is an exercise in futility, because I never change: I just shift in degrees. Sometimes 5 degrees, sometimes 180. I want to have some kind of control over my life, I want to want things and for them to happen... but they rarely do, because I can't get control over my inner demons.

I believe a person makes their own luck, and I'm tired of stopping myself from being all that I am, and fulfilling my potential.

At least, at the age of 31, I finally have a rack

Last edited by YogaBare; 04-13-2013 at 02:56 AM.

"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

I loved your poem.
I am sorry for your sadness.
I too once fled a house in the night. I was 19.
I am 62 and still base the success or failure of my life on what the scale says.
Why is this the important marker when life has so many other Vibrant successes to focus on.
Sending you hugs and realizing I should give myself a few as well.
Keep writing. It can only be healing.

So whats next? If this isnt working, its ok. Personally i dont think that it is for everyone anyway. There are two things i think need takin care of. One, you need to get checked for hypothyroid. With your temps how they are and other problems, you might have it and no amount of food will help. Two, do you ever consider seeing a counselor for your problems? It might help to talk to someone qualified, although it can be tricky to find the right person.

And although i think what you are doing can certainly work for some, i see things in your diet that may be giving you problems even though your going in the right direction. Based on Peats work (which i and derp among others have used with great success) you are taking in way to much protein, unsaturated fat and starch. Maybe you could try a more peat inspired diet. Diet meaning you eat for your goal of fat loss and thyroid health. Its not a bad thing to try and lose fat, its just been when you go to an extreme to do it.

Oh and not that it really matters but i still feel different from most in regards to emotion. Im not denying i dont have any, i have much emotion for my son for example. I was also in a househould with very loving and emotional parents, no manly man complex at all. Still i dont use emotion like others do to drive me. Im great in an emergency because i am able to think logically without freaking out. I dont greave, or havnt yet even though some close people have died (knock on wood). I dont miss people even years seperated. I could easily live seperated from society when other would go mad. I dont know, like i said it doesnt matter, just giving my personal observations, i dont feel that i repress anything or fight to be stoic or whatever, some of what most normal people have is just not there for me.

I loved your poem.
I am sorry for your sadness.
I too once fled a house in the night. I was 19.
I am 62 and still base the success or failure of my life on what the scale says.
Why is this the important marker when life has so many other Vibrant successes to focus on.
Sending you hugs and realizing I should give myself a few as well.
Keep writing. It can only be healing.

edited: darn autocorrect!

Thanks so much for posting Calee I hear you on there being so much more to life that we could use as measures of success. What I'm realising through this journalling is the extent to which weight is about control. It's the one thing that we have complete control over, and if we fail at this, we must be failures.

And you're right - the journalling is helping - a lot Mostly thanks to the support and well wishes from people like you.

Hugs back!

"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

So whats next? If this isnt working, its ok. Personally i dont think that it is for everyone anyway. There are two things i think need takin care of. One, you need to get checked for hypothyroid. With your temps how they are and other problems, you might have it and no amount of food will help. Two, do you ever consider seeing a counselor for your problems? It might help to talk to someone qualified, although it can be tricky to find the right person.

And although i think what you are doing can certainly work for some, i see things in your diet that may be giving you problems even though your going in the right direction. Based on Peats work (which i and derp among others have used with great success) you are taking in way to much protein, unsaturated fat and starch. Maybe you could try a more peat inspired diet. Diet meaning you eat for your goal of fat loss and thyroid health. Its not a bad thing to try and lose fat, its just been when you go to an extreme to do it.

Oh and not that it really matters but i still feel different from most in regards to emotion. Im not denying i dont have any, i have much emotion for my son for example. I was also in a househould with very loving and emotional parents, no manly man complex at all. Still i dont use emotion like others do to drive me. Im great in an emergency because i am able to think logically without freaking out. I dont greave, or havnt yet even though some close people have died (knock on wood). I dont miss people even years seperated. I could easily live seperated from society when other would go mad. I dont know, like i said it doesnt matter, just giving my personal observations, i dont feel that i repress anything or fight to be stoic or whatever, some of what most normal people have is just not there for me.

Thanks Zach I'm not going to jump ship just yet... Yesterday was a bad day, but I do feel this is at least helping me psychologically with the ED. I'm not fearing food anymore. And I'm starting to understand the queues of my appetite. Plus I'm really just eating to appetite... The alternative is going back to constantly depriving myself. I can't do that anymore. I have to see where this takes me.

I'll keep going with it at least til I go back to London. I'll prob stay with my parents for another 9 days, so that will bring me to nearly a month. My junk food binge in Dec-Jan put me off junk food, or at least had moderated my attitude to it. My hope is that this experiment will do the same with real food...

I'll definitely get my thyroid checked when I'm back Another Peat-inspired MDA user pmed me the other day and told me about Broda Barnes - have you read her? Apparently she draws a link between hypo and EDs.

Regarding diet, what do you think I could change? I thought was I'm eating is quite Peat-inspired... I take sugar in my tea, eat bone broth, coconut, carrots, shell fish, a lot of fruit, avoid poultry and pork (apart from this week being at home with my folks), don't eat nuts... I know he's not keen on fish for PUFA but I really struggle to believe that it's bad for us. I also know I eat too much meat, but I'm just eating what I crave... The starch was part of the refeeding, but I'm attributing the improved sleep to that, cos I always ate a lot of fruit, but I've been low-starch for years. I've cut back on dairy a lot cos' I got addicted to it (long story, with a theory attached!), now I just have milk in my coffee plus have yogurt or a bit of cheese maybe three times a week.

Thanks for the suggestion about the counselor. I am very open to it, and maybe I'll go back at some point (I've already been for a lot of therapy) but it would be a matter of finding the right person. My last therapist was great, but I outgrew her. Strangely, right now this journal is giving me more clarity than I ever got through talking! I told two therapists, plus plenty of friends, about the experience above, and I never got any kind of release from the retelling, but when I wrote it this morning it gave me something. I think the journalling is superior in some way, because it's helping me connect all the dots without giving back story or being chronological.

Regarding emotion: well, I can't say cos' I don't know you in person, but I do know that many people don't want to feel intense emotions because they're afraid of letting go. Romantic relationships, and particularly children, are main areas that people allow themselves to experience love. I honestly think that a lot of people have children because they want to be free to love someone completely, without fear or rationality. (Not saying thats why you did! But you get what I mean). Obviously these are all big generalisations too - everyone's different after all. Some people are able to balance their head and their hearts. But I've met a lot of people who rejected their regular lives and I did a whole study into whether they were running away from something. Conclusion: Many, but not all, were.

"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.

In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."

Interesting stuff. It certainly was not my idea to have a kid, im lucky his mom was so adamant about keeping him!

Anyway about your diet. I will hold off any major critiques i see until you have decided your path. I dont want to give you even more things to worry about! I think you are definitely on the right track and your case is not a typical one so maybe just getting past the hurdle of using food as a weapon against yourself is whats really important. In my case, using RRARF got me past a couple barriers as well but it certainly was not the end and it took several more years before i figured whats best for me. Only reason i try to help is to try and cut time off of your recovery but sometimes the only option is to try and fail many times before you succeed. The experience is neccessary.