Monday, April 1, 2019

It has come to my attention that the collection of slack-jawed
ignoramuses known as the human race are even more incompetent than I first
suspected. I've scoured the internet for articles on The Legend of Zelda:
Breath of the Wild, and found them on all manner of inane subject matter.
Reviews, walkthroughs, retrospectives, confirmation that the cartridge works…all
sorts of completely useless
information! I trudged through this morass of infantile garbage and found not
one, not one post that bothered to
talk about what's really important.

Why is no talking about the BREATHS in Breath of the Wild?!

Seriously, what is WITH you herd of glue-munchers?! Am I the problem
here? (Hint: I'm not). Have I wandered into some parallel dimension where free
lobotomies are given out at birth?! Anyone with two sub-atomic particles
clattering together in the vacuum behind their eyes should realize what an essential part of the gaming experience
this is. Fortunately for all you addle-pated internet bottom feeders, I am benevolent
as I am eloquent. I have therefore taken it upon myself to rank the most notable
instances of breathing in Breath of the Wild. I know you cretins will never
understand how blessed you are to be enriched by my wisdom, but feel free to
thank me anyway. You ungrateful swine.

10. Low Stamina Breaths

Link performs a large number of breath-inducing activities in Breath of
the Wild, all of them so insultingly perfunctory they didn't make this list.
Breaths after eating are understated and unimpressive, breaths from heatstroke
have you hang your stupid mouth open in one position, and breaths after diving
haven't improved since Ocarina of Time in 1998. Don't get me started on breaths
from damage, which often don't even have the decency to time their mouth flaps correctly.
Of all these animations the least likely to induce aneurysms is the low stamina
breathing, which conveys something approximating
a humanoid figure gasping for oxygen. It's the bottom of the list though,
because I'm not the kind of drool-stained degenerate who can't even tell the
difference between clavicular and diaphragmatic breathing. If you're one such
moron I encourage you to either get the hell off my blog or read a fucking
book.