What does captian kurt, popeye, captain hook and tommy lee have in common? They are all bad ass people. Why? Because they were all in command of ships. You should be in command of a ship. You should buy my boat.

I can offer you the opportunity to be in command of this Catalina 27 sailing ship for about the cost of a lot of the stupid stuff you bought, buy or are thinking about buying. I present the following:

Malls & Nipple Milk
I can tell you this; the boat I am selling is less than the cost of that couch you bought at Pottery Barn* after spending 3 weeks researching it on Google**. I don’t care if your favorite mall doesn’t have a roof on it and has a theme. You should be ashamed of half of the mall things you spent hard earned cash money and time on. None of it will take you across oceans and it will not get you a buffaloes milk at Two Harbors (or a nimby cup). Not even close. Do you want your only source of alcohol laden milk to be your pregnant girlfriends nipple because I guarantee it doesn’t have 8 types of rum and 4 types of artificial sweetener in it. If it does muchacho then you should be hanging out with jcvd on a regular basis and won’t be needing this said boat. Back to your mall things.. If you add up the cost of your bed frame, mattress, headboard, box spring, stupid fancy pillows from Target, decorative duvet cover with a cool pattern from ikea and your designer pajamas it probably costs as much as I’m asking and you can have a f*$king BOAT of which can sleep 5 people and will guarantee you more bidness. You won’t find that guarantee in the bedding department at Macy’s. Note: your lame duvet made from rare dead birds is always on sale, you did not hit the Macy’s Bed Bath and Beyond jackpot and score a 300 feather count for 35% off, everyone did and just because you laughed at some actor making fun of Bed, Bath and Beyond doesn’t give you a pass for going there or not going there. And are you really spending your miniscule amount of free time on Earth counting feathers or laughing at jokes about retail stores? And by the way, if you are the type of person who covers your bed with any amount of (especially more than two) decorative pillows, please do not call about my Boat. I am not interested in selling this to a decorative pillow type which is too bad because you my friend are the type that needs this boat more than anyone.

Recreation, Drinking and Sea Monkeys
I understand you have many options on how to spend your free time. How you choose to recreate says a lot about a human being. What I am offering you is the open Pacific Ocean, fishing, going to islands, breathing salty air at sea, breathing atomic four gas powered exhaust fumes, drinking rum, drinking whiskey, drinking cheap beer, drinking expensive beer, drinking the dead sea monkeys floating in the drink that your friend backwashed, spear fishing anything that moves, endless supply of gold colored fish to make into tacos, trapping crabs, getting crabs, free membership to hbyc, a money pit, a fist pumping teeth grinding laser eating dance platform, a new kitchen, a boom that might hit you in the head, a $270 slip fee, the ability to t-bone a stand up paddle boarder, the ability to bbq a t-bone steak, the ability to bone in the v-birth, the chance to see whales, the improved chance to bring a whale out of najas and tying knots. These are fine things. These are gentlemanly things. They certainly beat sitting in car traffic towing your sand rail or three wheeler past a bunch of meth labs to glamis or driving a boat in circles in the std filled cess pool commonly referred to as “the river” or any other so called lake. Does a real man or woman want to recreate in a standing pool of “fresh water” or in a hot desert with a bunch of drunk yahoos with engines strapped to their backs?

Fast Transport
This boat travels as fast as your Audi on the 405. 6 knots at best. And you spent over $30K. Way more than a domestic car just because of the cool logo, neat ads and foreignness of it. Not to mention the way it makes you feel when you look at it after you park it. You could have got a Ford, a 3 wheeler, a sand rail and this boats for the same price. Enough said.

360 Degree Ocean View and the Mexican Navy
Always wanted an ocean view? See above description of how lucky you are. This boat comes with an ocean view of your damn choosing! Imagine a house that could do that. Those creepy realtor types would be drooling all the way to the bank. (Please no inquiries if your picture is on your business card). For the price of a ocean front strand house you could buy a boat like this every month of the year. In fact for $3,000,000 (reasonable price for a strand house) you could buy 600 boats like this. That’s more than the entire navy of Mexico. What would you do with that many boats? You could tie them together end to end and stretch them from Manhattan Beach pier to Hermosa Beach pier 1.7 times. Toss in a few more and you could have a two way sailboat highway spanning the two piers. This would be enough to move the annual 6 man party to sea and save the fun in a town loosing its charm faster than antartica is loosing glacial ice. Everyone would be happy because the kids could again dress up, beam each other with volleyballs and drink booze in the open sun on a WEEKEND. You would be the damn Kevin Bacon of the beach area. People would make movies of how you returned the joy to such an under privileged area of LA. (Math: 1.8 miles between piers = 9504′ / 27′ boat length = 352 boats required for a one way span.)

Screen World or Water World?
Each day the average person spends ?? hours staring at a computer screen, ?? watching a television screen, and ?? hours looking at a smart phone screen. (You do the math). The hope is that eventually there will be enough devices “invented” whereby 24 hours of your day is spent looking at a radiation emitting electronic display screens. These devices with clever names starting with i will range in size to span every increment of that Home Depot tape measure you never use. This will be toped by the inevitable invention of a gigantic screen that allows up to three people to be imbedded in, is only 2 microns thick, is named after a fruit and hurtles through outer space endlessly. I have good news for you my screen collecting swollen eyeball friend. This boat comes with an lcd tv screen and there is cell service all the way to Catalina Island! So you don’t have to skip the pirate dress up wine mixer because you are worried about missing all those great things happening on social media and on dvd.

Boat Includes
— 4 sails
— Atomic four engine
— Mast
— Boom
— Hull
— Rudder
— Tiller
— The book sailing for Dummies (You must have an IQ of at least 30 to learn how to sail)
— A bow with no arrows
— A bunch of life vests

Attention Doomsday Preppers
If you are a doomsday prepper then you have just hit the powerball lottery scratch off confetti falls out of the sky jackpot. Feel free to go into one of those evangelist religious on stage convulsions right now because when shit hits the fan in L.A. (and it will) do you want to be on the roof of your liqour store with a high powered riffle or in the open ocean reading moby dick with a milky rum drink in your skilled knot tieing hands?

In Summary
This boat is cheap, it gives you access to buffaloes milk, it is more fun than your current hobbies, it is fast enough, it has an ocean view, it comes with a TV, comes with everything you need and it might be helpful in case of a disaster. Most importantly it puts you in command of a ship. Go ahead break a bottle of Champagne over the bow, leave your mall things on land and grab the tiller.

$5,000 OBO / trade offers accepted

*ARE YOU F$##KING KIDDING ME. A STORE NAMED “POTTERY” “BARN”? WHOEVER USED THIS TERRIBLE NAME TO DUPE PEOPLE OUT OF HARD EARNED MONEY INTO BUYING EVERYTHING BUT POTTERY OUT OF ANYTHING BUT A BARN AND SELLING SHIT ALL MADE IN CHINA BUT DESIGNED TO LOOK ANYTHING BUT CHINESE AND I STILL HAVENT SOLD THIS BOAT IS BEYOND ME.

** Google = Best slot machine ever invented. Insert letters instead of coins. Output hyperlinks instead of cash. Google is paid by 3rd party XYZ business for the participants pleasure of playing this terrible slot machine for “free”. But participants pay end up paying in dead brain cells instead of cash and XYZ business trades cash for a snowflakes chance in hell of converting a mouse click to a sale. Only benefit of all this is it finally puts bad newspapers out of business.

*** If you happened to buy a mattress from that old white guy who shrieks “if you find a mattress for a lower price your mattress is free!!!” please, please, please, please don’t f$@king contact me. Did you really think that A-Hole is going to give away a free mattress if you found one for a lower price? Have you heard of anyone getting a free mattress from that damn place? How can our government allow such a thing. I will not give you my boat for free if you find one for less. In fact you will probably be more likely to sink would be my guess. And if you are the type that needs the government to protect you or wastes time complaining about the government also don’t contact me.
Location: Marina Del Rey

F: He’s always saying things like ‘I would kill for a latte right now’ and his eyes are just kinda vacant you know? Like a wanted poster stare.

B: Uh, yesterday, I called…

F: Just a freak. And he’s really into outdoorsy stuff. Hunting. Rifles, guns. I do not trust this guy at all. Not one bit. But, he is supposed to be the best dermatologist in the twin cities so, what can you do?

B: I called that girl from Chino’s

F: You know, if you find me someday, in a Dumpster, with my tongue pulled through my neck and my eyes gouged out-you know who did it. That’s all I’m saying. Dead at 26. At least my skin will be clear.

B: I called that girl from the club yesterday.

F: No!

B: Yeah.

F: Well, well, tell, tell!

B: It was horrible. She had no idea who I was. I had to describe myself like I was giving eyewitness testimony to a crime. Brown hair. Brown eyes…

F: What’d you say your weight was?

B: She didn’t remember me at all.

F: Well, that’s weird. That’s weird dude. What kind of girl is this? I mean she was kidding right? She had to have been expecting a call from you. I mean, she gave you her number right?

Club

B: (standing next to G who is not listening) My mom tried to feminize me a lot you know? She had me in dance lessons. Tap. My brother played baseball. A bit of Jazz, some Ballroom. She had me wear those little shorts with knee high socks, decorated my room in Georgia O’Keefe prints. Whatever manhood I may have once had as a nine year old, she stole from me. Could’ve been worse though. I like O’Keefe. Good sense of color, great composition.

Club Guy: (comes up to G and gives her a hug) Have you been in hiding? I haven’t seen you in like weeks! Have you seen Dave? He’s here! We’re going to the Fine Line after, you should come!

G: Sure!

CG: Give me you number again quick would you? We’ll call if we get a cab.

B: You’re the one who pressured me into being there, who’s always telling me to get out of my comfort zone.

F: Get out of your comfort zone, fine. But not jump into other strangers’.

B: You didn’t let me finish the story though. I gave her my number too…Made it even.

F: She didn’t give you her number then?

B: No. Why should she? What does it matter? I had it already.

F: Listen, I gotta go. Will you be ok here alone? (exits)

B: (dials cell)

MomVoiceOver: You have reached the Kropfs, we can’t get to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you at our earliest available convenience. BEEP

B: Hi, Mom. Its me, I just called to say thank you for being such and awesome mom and not screwing me up at all. (hangs up, then dials cell again)

MomVoiceOver: You have reached the Kropfs, we can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number and we’ll get back to you at our earliest available convenience. BEEP

B: Me again. I was being sarcastic, if you couldn’t tell….and I’ll be by tomorrow to pick up my laundry. (hangs up)

Two Chairs

C: You have many talents. The world’s at your feet.

B: I know. I mean I know my strengths and I can do a lot if I try but… I once wanted to be in the circus did I ever tell you that? Not like Cirque de Soliel of one of those girl circuses but the Man’s circus. Drugged, beaten animals, clowns with sordid pasts, teen runaways, carcinogenic foam cowboy hats. I wanted to be the guy in the cannon.

C: Sounds dangerous. Its said that women are attracted to men of daring.

B: That’s not why I wanted to do it. I think I hoped they’d load too much gun powder in and I’d explode. When I found out that it was just a pneumatic platform in there that gently pushes out Cannon Guy, I lost interest.

C: Sounds destructive. You wanted to explode–be incinerated in front of an onlooking crowd?

B: I know, I know. It’s a pattern. I once wanted to be a school teacher too.

Car

B: (picks up cell phone) What’s up buddy? Not much. Just chillin’ behind some jackass going 20 miles per hour on his cell phone. What’s up? No, I haven’t seen it, dude. Did you look in the foyer by your shoes? Yeah? Uh, how about the aquarium? Yeah, I’ll hold on. No go? Check the vegetable drawer in the…oh. Not in the fridge at all huh? (looks at cell) Hey, can you hold on a second? I’ve got a call on the other line. Dude! I’ll call you back! I think it’s the girl from the bar the other night. Yeah! (clicks over) Hello?

Couch

B: Do you think some people are just meant to be alone?

F: Monks, the criminally insane, Elvis in the later years, and you. Why?

B: Seriously.

F: Seriously, I don’t want to be an accomplice to your pity party, and I can see where this is going. I’ve told you dude-you’ve got to get your bait in the water, quit being such a defeatist. I try to help you, like Jane Goodall to some silverback, and you’re always making up reasons why you are undateable. Dude, you are hot and need to see that.

B: Come on…

F: You are hot. Maybe not ‘commentable hot’, but more of an ‘unspoken but understood hot’. Which is better, probably.

B: I’ve just got a lot of stuff to deal with.

F: Excuses. You had like one girlfriend in 11th grade who cheated on you with the Spanish teacher. Big deal. Move on with your life. I try to help you, but you don’t want it.

B: You call what you do help? You berate me, make light of my problems. You invalidate my emotions. You’re like…like a…

F: Magical genie who tells you the truth and tries to help you. Floats around at your beck and call. Its Saturday night, what are you doing? Staring into the mirror, listening to Chris Isaak. I tell you, come out with us, grab a drink, have a good time. “No, I’m just gonna stay home and sulk and wear sweat pants.”

B: I can’t help I am the way I am. You’re very callous sometimes.

F: I’ve got to be with you. You have made me callous. Heartless even. You have made me the monster I am. But its good for you.

B: Ok, try seeing how great a counsel you are. You be me and I’ll be you. Role reversal. You up for this?

F: I don’t think you can handle you.

B: You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

F: No I do. But be ready to look into the mirror of your soul….Have we started already?

B: You will not believe who I just got off the phone with. Yes! Her! Yes she called me! Well, she was trying to call her landlord and saw my number in her ‘missed calls’ list and thought that was him. But! but what is important is that she didn’t hang up when she found out it was me! Can you believe it! Of all the people she could accidentally call she calls me! Luck has changed for me maybe! How about you? You found it yet? Ohh, not enough luck to go around I guess. Change is in the air, my friend. Things are going my way. Hey, lemme call you back real quick. (hangs up, yells out window) Go! What’s your problem man? Go! (gets out of car) What? You got a problem? That’s right. Tough guy. You’re a tough guy. Keep driving, asshole!

Two Chairs

B: I once planned on joining the clergy.

C: Would you have found fulfillment in the ministry?

B: I loved the Exorcist movies. And Godfather Three actually. Sean Connery in The Name of the Rose. Now, I know its not all exciting and glamorous like that all the time. But at least you get your weeks off. Probably have to work a lot of holidays though. Easter, Labor Day. The whole celibate thing wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for me, probably.

C: Not all men of the cloth have to takes vows of celibacy. My pastor for instance, is happy married,

B: Let’s change the subject all right? I didn’t mean for this to turn into a tent revival. Ok? Amen.

Standing

F: Do you think my ex-girlfriends would come to my wedding?

B: Uh, Maybe. Some might. Not the ones you screwed over. Why?

F: I want my wife to see all the chicks I’ve dated…

B: As a warning? “This is what you’ll look like when I’m through with you.”

F: I want her to see that all these women, beautiful as they may be, could never have got my heart like she does.

B: That’s sweet. Won’t she be creeped out by the sheer quantity of this tawdry assemblage? If they all did come, they’d fill your whole side of the church. Your parents would have to sit outside. Old, haggard, bitter women, chain smoking, destitute. The smell of Hepatitis heavy in the air…

F: I do want to get married someday.

B: Not me dude. You’ll never tie me down. “Live fast die young.”

F: Yeah, you’re a regular James Dean.

B: No, sir. I’m Harrison Ford. Made to be single. You could never catch him in love. Could you see Indiana Jones with a wife? Think about it. Wouldn’t happen.

F: Han Solo and Princess Leia were married.

B: They were not married.

F: Yes they were!

B: They were boyfriend and girlfriend.

F: …..The Fugitive was married.

B: His wife was killed by the one armed man. Doesn’t count. Harrison Ford cannot love- and any woman who gets close to him will be covered in bugs or die immediately. Sure, ok: you could cite Blade Runner’s alternate ending with him and Sean Young, but still: Sean Young was a cyborg. Doesn’t count.

F: (sarcastic) Your line of reasoning is beyond reproach! How do you get this stuff? By the way, Harrison Ford is a real person. Not the characters he plays. Even if you were Harrison Ford…

B: Its like James Bond when he married Tracy de Vincenzo in the movie In Her Majesty’s Secret Service. What happened to her? Gunned down in the next scene! It can’t happen.

F: Harrison Ford didn’t play James Bond.

B: But you get the point.

F: Someday you will fall in love, and be loved. Deal with it.

B: You haven’t heard a word I’ve said have you? (cell rings) Ohmygod.

F: What?

B: Its her. The girl. From the club.

F: What did I tell you, baby!

B: She probably is trying to call her landlord again. I’ll let it go to voice mail.

F: You answer that phone right now!

B: She probably has an ant problem, wants out of the lease.

F: Give me that phone!

B: Has a clogged toilet or something…..rats…(answers cell) Hello?

Two Chairs

B: When I was 10, I wanted to be a talk show host. I watched Johnny Carson every night. My dad would let me stay up. I would put on shows for my dad, and have interviews with my dog Barrymore. I would be Johnny and Barrymore would be Don Rickles. My dad would laugh and laugh.

F: Its not even the previews yet! Traffic on 62 was hell. Its freezing in here!

B: I’m kinda warm.

F: Minnesotans have no right-no right to complain about any sort of weather that may ever occur here when they purposely subject themselves to this. If this was outside, people would be gnashing teeth, rioting, complaining for weeks. ‘I don’t care about the snow, but the cold! Can’t escape it.’

F: Right! I’ve been meaning to ask you, I was gonna call you today. How’d it go? You worked your magic…

B: We went to Como, it was pretty fun I guess. Nice weather. One of the gorillas had a blood clot in his leg, so you know, there were a lot of veterinarians whipping through the park on their golf carts, had the gorilla in the bucket scoop of a bulldozer. Took a team to roll him into an ambulance. To him over to Abbott hospital. A lot of kids were standing around crying. I heard parents saying “Its alright. He’ll be fine.” There’s no promises with blood clots! That thing gets loose and hits his lung…or his brain…

F: Tell me about the date! Was she fun? What happened?

Zoo (sounds of animals and sirens)

G: Poor monkey. There’s no promises with blood clots. That thing could get loose, and end up in his lung, or brain…

B: I think I love you.

Movie Theatre

F: Wow. (in disbelief)

B: It seemed like the thing to do. I don’t know why I did it.

F: ‘I think I love you?’

B: It was my first date. I was nervous, I didn’t know what to say.

F: Do you love her?

B: No. No, no, no. I said ‘I think I love you.’ Which is a far cry from ‘I love you.’

F: You’re right. Totally different. You never say you think you love anything! I’ve never even heard you say you like something! You said Disneyland was alright. The most excited I’ve seen you get was over the DVD release of “the Dark Crystal”, which you said was ‘pretty sweet.’ You must have freaked this girl out, man. I mean are you serious? What did she say?

Zoo

G: Are you serious?

Movie Theatre

B: You see? You’re always on my case: ‘Do this, do that.’ ‘Get your bait in the water.’ What happens when I put my self out there? Berate me, make fun of my problems…

F: I’m just saying its hard for me to see my star pupil, my protégé make such a fundamental mistake. Love, saying the word, thinking about the word, saying you’re thinking about the word is not something to fuck with. Its like an ecosystem. You know?

B: No, I don’t know.

F: You either have got spotted owls or not. And if you do, then you’ve got to ask yourself: Do I really need a spotted owl? (lights dim, previews start)

VoiceOver1: In River’s End Montana, everyone is family.

VO2: Morning, Patty.

VO3: Howdy Ben.

VO1: But every family has secrets.

VO4: Something’s in the cellar.

VO5: Get off my land!

VO4: Something is very wrong here.

VO1: This summer, booking a vacation to River’s End could turn into a permanent stay.

VO6: Why don’t you relax, have some coffee?

VO7: Hold on to something!

VO5: Aaaaaghh!

VO4: Mommy, why isn’t River’s End on the map?

VO6: Looks like its gonna be a long, hot summer.

VO4: Aaaaaaggh!

VO7: Have you ever wondered why there’s no graveyards here? Think about it!

F: I’m just saying, that I shouldn’t be so hard on you, that’s all. (looks at phone)

B: You got another call?

F: Yeah, I’m looking to see who…9287? That number ring a bell? Is that Jon?

B: Oh! No, that’s her.

F: What do you mean?

B: That’s her. I told her to give you a call.

F: Are you serious?

B: Yeah, I told her all about you. Told her she should give you a call.

F: I am not taking this call, buddy.

B: Dude, why not? I think you’d like her.

F: If you think I am going to take this call…

B: (slams on brakes, avoiding accident) Dude, I’ll call you back. (hangs up cell, gets out of car) What’s your problem man? You got a problem? Get back in your car, that’s what I thought! (lights out on B)

F: (clicks over on cell) Hello?

Two Chairs

C: Our time is almost up,

B: Yeah, well, I have to get to Calculus, or I’ll be counted late.

C: I think we made some headway today.

B: Yeah?

C: Yeah. Come spring you’ll have your ducks in a row don’t worry.

B: My what?

C: Ducks in a row.

F: Well, thanks. You’ve been real helpful.

C: You know, before you go, I was in your shoes once. No job prospects, a single guy, no real future to speak of…But, I got my college degree under my belt, a little spit and polish, and there you go! You see?

B: Sure, thanks.

C: No problem.

Table

F: (on celllaughing and talking nonsense like a robot and a baby alternately) Hahaha, ok, I’ll see you in a little bit. Bye-bye. She says ‘hello’.

(scene is in a wide courtyard outside the palace striped with the shadows of arches. Emperor’s Spokesperson and Clipboard Assistant are addressing Rabble.)

Emperor’s Spokesperson: All right, settle down you rabble!Rabble: (muttering)Emperor’s Spokesperson: I’m going to count to ten. No three. I’m counting to three. Second to the last one to be quiet won’t be able to watch the next execution and the last one to be quiet will be executed! One, Two, Three…Rabble: (still muttering)ES: I don’t believe it! By Gods. Shatttup will you!Clipboard Assistant: Maybe you could try a different approach.You know, sometimes you get more bees with honey.ES: You mean pollen.CA: Pardon?ES: Bees make honey. But they want pollen.CA: I’ve got your Epi-Pen in my fanny pack by the way.ES: (to rabble) Look you mouth-breathing dirty-fingernail pyramid-making fly-gathering hoi polloi! Shut your mouths!CA: You don’t understand these people. I grew up among them. All they hear all day is yelling and the snapping of whips. You’ve got to finesse the masses. Look, right here: rule number 4 of ‘Tyranny for Dummies’ (points at clipboard)ES: (reads) “subtle coercion may not save you time, but it will save you your vocal chords.” Bah! That’s why we shoulda brought a bullhorn out here. Coercion.CA: Think of them as a lovely person who’s eye your trying to catch at the supermarket.ES: ….I buy a lot of baby food and diapers and tell them “I don’t have children yet”…and then stare at them as a conversation opener.CA: Is that what you do?ES: Well, I would if I shopped at supermarkets. I just have my servants place grapes in my mouth when I’m hungry.CA: It is said that non-verbal communication is more important than anything you say.ES: (pulls out a gun)CA: Okay, you get points for trying, but watch….(gently puts down clipboard and tightens fanny pack and begins to strut back and forth like Mick Jagger in front of Rabble, after a couple of spins and high kicks Rabble’s attention is fully had.)ES: Well done.CA: (too out of breath to answer, just gasps and holds chest)ES: (To CA) Maybe not their ‘attention’ so much as concern and sexual revulsion, but it worked! (To Rabble) Alright now you ragamuffins, gather ’round close. I’ve got an announcement to make here. Come on, that’s it you rabble!Rabble: (shuffles within arm’s reach)ES: Gah! Not lice-jumping close! Back up, Back up now! I’m not a horse whisperer. Can’t you see my assistant here needs air? (Rabble shuffles back a few steps) Alright. Now. I am the Emperor’s Chosen and Most Honorable…Rabble: Which?ES: Which what?Rabble: Which whom, I mean. Which Emperor’s?ES: Well, the new one of course! Emperor Glorious Sun…As I was saying…(to CA) what was I saying?CA: You’re the Emperor’s Chosen and Most Honorable…ES: Most Honorable Messenger.Rabble: Like a carrier pigeon.ES: (trying not to be flustered) A bit like that. But my cage is huge okay. Huge. And pretty ornate.CA: And a lovely little swing in the corner. The envy of the court really–ES: So I have here with me a royal pronouncement from your Emperor, the Great Glorious Sun! (holds out hand towards CA)CA: (gives ES ‘five’)ES: No, the pronouncement!CA: (looks frantically through the clip board looks up frightened and shakes head ‘no’)ES: (whispers) You forgot it?CA: (whispers) I don’t know!ES: (whispers) A true answer I have no doubt. But our choices are A) you never brought it to begin with,or B) you lost it between here and Starbucks.CA: I may never have had it.ES: Papyrus. Roll of it about six feet long and rolled up and tied in a silk ribbon. Ringing any bells?CA: Sarcasm is an ineffectual teaching tool and a poor characteristic in leadership.ES: Now I’m getting pointers from Captain Senility over here. Brilliant.Rabble: (whispers) Sarcasm is the easiest form of comedy and an unflowered form of its superior relative, irony.ES: (sarcastic) Good thought, that! Good. Yeah, thanks… Just you stay out of this, you scamp. (to CA in whisper) I’ll just do the bullet points. No problem. I got it up here. (points at head)CA: remember: finesse!Rabble: And a lyrical turn of phrase and some interjections of humor wouldn’t hurt. You know. To keep our interest. Lift our hearts a bit.ES: (ignoring them) Rabble! Hear me and fear! Tremble and weep!….Garbage collection will not happen this Tuesday because of the Winged Serpent Holiday, but will occur as normal for everyone on Wednesday. So plan ahead for that. And also…Woe To Those Who Speak Ill Of The Dread Thunder God Morthax! Morthax Hears All and Sees All As Patron Deity Of Our Empire!…The Children’s Museum will be having a special exhibit beginning this week and on through the month featuring the shrunken skulls of state prisoners. As always, children and seniors have free admission. And now a word from our sponsor….(to CA in whisper) who was it again?CA: Wooden Shovels.ES: Wooden Shovels!Rabble: (in a sing song jingle) Wooden Shovels can’t be beat/They make your holes and piles look really neat/ES: Holes and piles, really?Rabble: They’ve got a wooden stick and a wooden scoop/you can use ’em for mud or most any kind of….ES: Thank you Wooden Shovels! Alright, now on to the serious business….Look, we all know that in the reign of the last Emperor, whose name I won’t even waste my breath on–CA: Humble Servant of The Socialist People’s Commune.ES: (shoots CA an angry glance) During their reign, things around here got a little shall we say lax. Now. I know that you can do it. This work, this back breaking, slave driving, soul withering labor is what you were literally born and bred to do. So let’s do it. And let’s put a little pride in our work. When fanning a State Official with ostrich feathers would it kill you to smile?Rabble: Its just I’ve lost most my teeth…ES: Closed mouth, man. Closed mouth. (To CA) Show ’em.CA: (smiles weakly with pursed lips)ES: And let’s use you as an example. (points at Rabble) What do you do?Rabble: I’m a tailor by trade but really, I’ve always thought of myself as a musician really. I’m classically trained.ES: Okay, tailor. Ol’ Tailor here is making…Rabble: Fitted undergarments, padded bras, crotchless underwear,ES: That is specific. Got a niche market do we? Burlap in this season is it?Rabble: Burlap was last season. Everything now is yak hide or nothing.CA: He really is quite good. I’m wearing him right now.ES: (flustered momentarily) Okay so Tailor here, perfect example of a patriot who is working hard for the Empire. Kudos to you. But!..You’re gonna have to work harder. I’m sorry! Hey! Don’t blame the messenger. Its just that right down the Nile river a ways, they’ve started work on wheel technology okay. Now we’re playing catch-up.Rabble: You might say we were asleep at the wheel.CA: That’s good.ES: Puns are the worst form of humor and an unflowered form of their superior relative: the double entendre.CA: Meow.ES: The point is, in today’s economy we’re all going to have to pitch in and work a little harder.Rabble: Easy for you to say.ES: Pardon? Can you say that a bit louder? Or was it not that easy to say?Rabble: You’re telling us to pull ourselves up by our boot straps but I broke my last pair of boot straps trying to hang myself with them. All you do is come out here every week and tell us what to do and how we’ll have to work harder because the rich don’t want to pay taxes anymore.ES: You want to try? You want to try my job for a minute? I bet you won’t last a minute. Rabble: You got it! Let’s do it. (they switch positions and Rabble imitates the mannerisms of ES) Lift a rock! Dig a ditch! Hail whichever Emperor we have this week! Blah Blah!ES: Ahh, beginner’s luck.CA: You’re pretty good! (swats away something) Ah, a bee!ES: A bee?CA: (stabs Rabble with the Epi Pen)Rabble: Gah!ES: Not him, you idiot!CA: Sorry, I got confused!ES: Oh! (slaps at bee, its too late) Oh, cruel fate! (slumps to ground dead)CA: I just wanted to say I really enjoy your work.Rabble: My public speaking–CA: Well that too, but your tailoring I mean. I’m wearing your Sleek Line Lift And Tuck series right now.Rabble: Well, you look great in it. That’s not all my doing. A glass blower can’t make the delicious wine that’s poured into it, you see.CA: (blushing) Well…Rabble: That’s it for the news today?CA: Well just that there’s maurading hordes at the gates.Rabble: That’s going to be tough news to break to the rabble.CA: Ahhh, they’re used to it. We’ll just outfit you with a war drum, a saber to rattle, a flag, and a copy of the ‘Us Versus Them’ speech.Rabble: Say, about the Emperor…Do you think I could meet him? (excited)CA: Oh, him? That’s just an image of a giant head projected on a screen that gets switched up every now and then. Keep things fresh.Rabble: I have so much to learn.CA: Its not easy controlling the masses. You think I want to wear a fanny pack?

One: Hey there. If you have a minute I would like to talk to you about this morning.Two: Oh boy. Here we go. This is about how I was three hours late isn’t it.
One: The lateness is a good issue to some day discuss but I was going to actually encourage you.Two: Encouragement? From you? That’s like believing that my dentist has good news.One: Yes. I wanted to encourage you to to either clean up your blood in the bathroom or at least notify Jason in custodial services.Two: Blood? Blood? Oh, you’re talking about my vomit.One: Okay then. Your vomited blood.
Two: Well, sure, but why splice hairs? The point is maybe you should get your facts straight before you start a witch hunt.One: Well maybe I did get off on the wrong foot this morning. First things first. Happy Monday.Two: Now we’re talking Stephanie! Yeah! Rock and Roll Monday! Friday is almost here. I can almost taste Friday now. And perhaps not surprisingly it tastes like blood.One: You certainly seem excited. You must have had a good weekend.Two: I had the best weekend ever! Las Vegas baby! Las Freaking Vegas mother freaking Nevada baby!One: Las Vegas.
Two: Yeah, you know. The City of Light.One: That’s Paris.Two: The Big Apple.One: New York.
Two: The Eternal City.
One: That’s Rome for Pete’s sake.
Two: Look, I’m trying to tell you I was in Las Vegas.One: How can you be going to Vegas when you owe me five hundred bucks?
Two: I know! That’s why I went there. I went to get you your money back.One: Good. Because I’ve run out of food and insulin so a little cash will help me out until the end of the month.Two: Well, I don’t exactly have it for you now, Stephanie. But I’ve got three hundred bucks riding on a sure thing as we speak. A race horse with a hunger to win. A big hunger!One: You bet three hundred on a horse?Two: ell, the horse actually ate the three hundred. Its hungry! But I’ve been told I’ll get it back in full in about four days. And who knows? That’s a hungry horse! No telling what else he’ll pay out.One: That’s some investment scheme.Two: Well aren’t you judgmental? I happen to think that Vegas is an awesome way to spend a weekend. You’re just jealous Stephanie because your life is more boring than my seven year old daughter’s.One: My weekends are very full I will have you know. I have my hobbies to keep me busy. You know. My smoking for instance.Two: Smoking is not a hobby.One: It is if you use your exhaled smoke to paint a charcoal likeness of prehistoric cave paintings on your kitchen wall.Two: I’ll give you that.One: But to tell you the truth, I would like to go to Las Vegas someday.Two: Oh my god Stephanie! You’ve got to go! Its like the best place in the world! Imagine a city that’s magically appeared from the dream of a fifty year old man in a failed marriage who has given up on life. That’s Vegas!One: The closest I’ve ever come to going to Las Vegas was a blind date I went on at Disneyland.Two: I’m jealous! How’d it go?One: Well, He never showed up, but I had a pretty good time any way.Two: That guy doesn’t know what he’s missing Stephanie. You are a catch. I bet you were the best looking single woman at Dizz Knee Land by her self that day. I mean aside from the robotic drunk chicks on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.One: That’s awfully nice of you to say. So you were in Las Vegas all weekend?Two: Well I was there for fifteen minutes.One: Fifteen minutes? What were you doing with the rest of the weekend?Two: Walking back here. I lost my car and then I lost my plane tickets and then I lost my bus tickets and then I lost my bicycle in poker games so I had to walk back. And I might mention, I ran the last eight miles so forgive me if I was three hours late. Its not like I didn’t try or anything.One: You lost your car and let a horse eat your money?Two: Its not like I wanted the horse to eat my money or I wanted to lose every thing I owned. I’m not an idiot you know. Its your fault I even went to Las Vegas! The way you’re always pestering me about your five hundred bucks and how I really should leave town.One: I ask you to move out of town and never come back. Not take a vacation to Las Vegas! You moron!Two: I’m not a moron Stephanie. But maybe I am a fool for loving you.One: You are nothing but an irresponsible wreck! I should fire you right now.Two: I bet you won’t.One: Don’t be so sure, buddy. Why shouldn’t I?Two: When I ran out of collateral, I bet Jimmy The Card Shark my life that you wouldn’t fire me.One: So that’s why there’s six goons waiting in the parking lot with guns and shovels.Two: That’s right. I used your good nature and compassion as leverage to keep my job and also by extension my life.One: So by my not firing you, all you get is to stay alive?Two: Well that, and you get to continue seeing me every day. Lucky you huh! (sings) Luck be a lady tonight!One: So its a win lose proposition.Two: Hey Stephanie, its like they say. The house always wins.

There are many people in the world.
Some, say The Eurythmics, just want to abuse you.
Some will give you bacterial meningitis.
There is one person however who will do you no wrong.
Besides Buddha and Kahil Gibran that is.

She is like the wind.
Or rather, she is like the sunshine.
Maybe like a spring rain.
Or a cloud. But a fluffy cloud. Not the sad kind.

Scratch that. She is not a meteorological or natural event at all.
She is like a lazer beam. Or a microwave oven.
Or maybe neither. Anyway, she is not like a moldy towel.

Her name is Saunia Powell and lemme tell you:
you should meet her.
Seriously. You think that you’ve got life all wrapped up and figured out don’t you?
Well get ready to have your mind exploded because you don’t know jack taint
about nuthin’ until you meet Saunia Powell.

So in your plans for the next year, alongside your trip to see your cousin in Topeka, make time to meet
Saunia Powell.

You won’t regret it.

*Saunia Powell likes tea but not coffee. Take her out for a nice tea, won’t you?
*Saunia Powell likes the sunshine, but for Chrissakes, she’ll sunburn if she’s out too long. Be a dear won’t you and bring some SPF 40.

PinkEye: [Enters cell and closes door softly behind him]
DeliThin: Good Morning, PinkEye.
PE: Ahh! You frightened me, DeliThin. What in blazes are you doing awake?
DT: Its hard for me to sleep sometimes. Times when my ‘best friend’ [air quotes] doesn’t come home and I’m worried about him. Times when I have intestinal distress. Or times when I’m thinking about all the ways Star Wars Episode I went wrong.
PE: You need to get over that movie man.
DT: Don’t you tell me what to get over or not get over.
PE: And you need to get over being so overly protective of me.
DT: This conversation is over. I’m so totally over it.
PE: Alright.
DT: Where were you?
PE: [Sigh] I was being interrogated. Like I always am. Waterboarded, stress positions, humiliation you know the normal stuff.
DT: Alright.
PE: And I invited Dave over for brunch.
DT: [a questioning look]
PE: You know, ‘Dave’. He works in the interrogation room? Guard Number 48?
DT: That douchebag?
PE: Dave’s cool. And he’s coming over soon so help me pick up the place.
DT: The guy that we throw our feces at in protest is coming over?
PE: He’s a good guy when you get to know him. He’s really into movies.

DT: Who can’t say that they’re into movies? That is the lamest personal factoid. Have you ever met someone who says ‘I hate movies! I’m more of a radio lover!’

PE: You always say you hate movies.
DT: That’s because Susan Sarandon isn’t getting the roles she should.
PE: Dave is a cool guy. I think you’d like him.
DT: Don’t tell me that. Don’t you tell me that. I hate it when people say I’ll like someone. I’ve never once liked someone that I’ve been told I’m gonna like.
PE: Have you ever liked anyone?
DT: I have good self-esteem…..and….
[a knock on the door]
PE: That’s Dave. You just be on your best behavior. Rather, don’t have any behavior. Just sleep or stare at the wall.
DT: You should be ashamed of yourself the way that you’re ashamed of me!
PE: [to door] Come in! [door opens and Dave enters]
Dave: Well, hello PinkEye. ‘Long time no see!’ hahahahaha.
PE: Yeah! What’s it been? Like three minutes? Hahhahahaha
DT: [To self] I’ve got a feeling this is going to be the worst torture at Gitmo yet.
Dave: And hello there!
PE: Dave, I think you know DeliThin…
Dave: Oh, yes. We’ve never been properly introduced but I held a barking dog inches from his genitals just yesterday. Hello again, DeliThin.
DT: I’m not talkin’ to you until I can talk to a lawyer, pig.
PE: Deli!
Dave: That’s quite alright, PinkEye. [To DT] Can’t we just leave work at work for now and just enjoy ourselves? Life’s too short. Let’s let yesterday’s brutal bygones be bygones.
DT: PinkEye said that you two were having brunch together, Dave. Where’s the goods? Or did you lie to Pinky about that just like you lied to me when you said that you wouldn’t tazer my scrotum anymore?
Dave: I’ve got omelets, coffee, and bagels on the way.
PE: Oh, splendid!
D: Yes. Unfortunately, its against regulations to fraternize with the detainees…
PE: Of course-
D: So I had to smuggle brunch inside my rectum.
DT: I’m starting a hunger strike.
PE: Coffee! I hate to ask but,
D: Yes, I have cream and sugar too.
[an alarm sounds and Dave takes out his baton and beats DT and PE]
D: Sorry guys-kinda a ‘stimulus, response’ thing you know. I hear a siren and ‘whap, whap, whap!’
PE: What was that alarm anyway?
D: It’s the USO early alert system. We’ve got Miley Cyrus coming to entertain the troops. I should get going if I’m to get any proper seating. If you’ll excuse me.
PE: Certainly.
D: I’ll take some Immodium and save brunch for tomorrow. How’s eleven sound?
PE: That sounds delicious!
[Dave exits]
DT: Pinky, you know earlier when you asked if I liked anyone?
PE: Yeah?
DT: I thought of someone.
PE: Oh…..?
DT: I may sound silly-but I really like Miley Cyrus.
PE: Oh.
DT: Not in a creepy way! I just like her music a lot.
PE: This is the first time I’ve felt that you do rightfully belong at Guantanamo Bay.

PinkEye: I think I’m coming down with a cold, DeliThin.
DeliThin: What? Well you are or you aren’t.
PE: Well…I…Think I am.
DT: Oh my god, just great!
PE: Well I might not be.
DT: Give it to me straight, PinkEye!
PE: Well I woke up with a sore throat and I feel some body aches.
DT: Great. Just great. You know—you know how susceptible I am to catching colds. You get a cold, and I get it twice as bad. To serve as illustration–Your name is PinkEye yet it’s me who lost sight in his left eye because I picked at it too much.
PE: Well, I mean…Its just that no one made you pick at your eye so much.
DT: It hurt, PinkEye. It hurt. It itched. I had pink eye. I scratched at my eye until it imploded because I had pink eye. I had pink eye because you had pink eye. Your name is PinkEye!
PE: I woke up in the middle of the night and you were rubbing my fingers directly onto your retina.
DT: Besides the point.
PE: I tried pulling away.
DT: Are you quite done? You finished? You just have to get the last word in don’t you? God, [rubs temples] I think I’m getting a headache from you.
PE: Headaches aren’t catchy.
DT: I hope this isn’t a summer cold.
PE: Summer colds are the worst. I know.
DT: If it isn’t bad enough I got to be locked away for life—I’ve got to be locked away with the fucking Velveteen Rabbit.
PE: I asked you yesterday if you wanted me to throw poop at the guard and get sent to solitary to give you your personal space and you said ‘no’!
DT: Well I didn’t know that you were incubating Swine Flu did I?
PE: I don’t think you can get Swine Flu from rat bites.
DT: Besides the point.
PE: Look, I’m not looking for an argument. If we could keep track of days from this dungeon, we’d find that we argue every day. It doesn’t need to be this way.
DT: You don’t like me.
PE: That’s not what I said at all.
DT: You hate me—you just said it.
PE: You are so dramatic! Look, all I’m saying is that we have enough hardship as it is. Advanced Interrogation Techniques, cruel and demeaning treatment from the guards…With the time we have together we can choose to make the best of it.
DT: I am making the best of it. You ever see me complain about the hoods we have to wear over our heads when paraded out in front of the laughing guards? I like the smell inside my hood. It smells like my breath. You see me complain about the windowless cell? I thank God that I don’t have to worry about early aging due to sun damage. My only problem is you!
PE: DeliThin, that’s it. I’m not your best friend anymore. [turns back to him]
DT: [sighs] I’ve never told anyone this before…My father was known as the ‘Butcher of Seville’. He once killed twelve cattle with his bare mouth. I remember he would come home covered in blood and plop down on the couch and I’d bring him his pipe and slippers. One day he didn’t come home. State Troopers picked him up while trying to transport black market foie gras into Connecticut. He got life in prison. He sent a note to me in a capsule he’d fed a pigeon which was totally unnecessary because he had weekly phone privileges, but that’s besides the point. You know what that note said?
PE: Don’t take your cellmate for granted?
DT: “Become a vegetarian. It’s more humane and more healthy.”
PE: That’s it?
DT: That’s it. I changed my name legally to DeliThin the next day. I was a rebellious teenager…PinkEye, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…
PE: Yeah? And?
DT: That’s it. I’ve been thinking….What?
PE: I’ve never told anyone this before…My dad was called Dr. Timothy Paulford. He had an ophthalmology practice in Malibu. He’d come home each day and check me for cataracts. One day he didn’t come home. He’d run off with his secretary. He sent me an email one day and you know what it said?
DT: Don’t give your cellmate colds?
PE: “Become a vegetarian. It’s more humane and more healthy.”
DT: We are so alike.
PE: More alike than either of us knew.
DT: Did you become a vegetarian?
PE: Of course! It’s more humane and more healthy!
DT: We are so unalike.
PE: More unalike than either of us will ever know.
DT: ….My headache is feeling better.
PE: I guess they are catchy because now I’m getting one.
DT: …I’d told you I’d been thinking, right?
PE: Yeah. And?
DT: That’s it. I’ve been thinking…What?