One man's experiences, insights, and struggles in living an intellectual faith.

Friday, May 22, 2009

How to Found a Kingdom on Earth in 12 Easy Steps

by Jehovah Elohim

1. FoundationChoose a 75-year old childless couple as the base of your kingdom. Don't give them a child for another 25 years. Bonus: Convince the father to sacrifice the child once born.

2. Growth PlanSend one member of your clan to slavery and/or prison; send a famine on the other members.

3. IndependenceChoose a timid, word-fumbling murderer as your spokesman, to demand from the head of the greatest military that he should disband his free labor force. Bonus: When your group leaves, send them towards a large body of water.

4. ConquestAttack the most protected city first. Do this by marching around it once a day for a week, blowing trumpets on the last day. Bonus: Get your intelligence from a prostitute.

5. Military StrategyBefore attacking a large army, whittle your forces down to 300. Bonus: Arm them with torches, jars, and trumpets.

6. LeadershipGo to a small town and choose a young man known especially for talents in music and animal husbandry. Bonus: Have him challenge the mightiest warrior of your enemy. Extra bonus: Have a death warrant placed on his head by the current government.

7. DefenseWhen an army of roughly 185,000 men come at your capital city, taunting you, whatever you do, don't rally your people's army in defense.

8. AdvertisingSend your best speaker to a city doing everything they can against what you want. Bonus: nearly drown your speaker on the way.

9. TransitionIntroduce your chosen leader in a small town, preferably in filthy living conditions. Bonus: Have him live in obscurity for the first 30 years of his life.

11. Final EstablishmentAt the height of your leader's popularity, get him executed as a criminal. Hopefully his executive team will respond accordingly by hiding and denying they know him. Bonus: Choose a known killer of your followers to spread your message.

12. The Real PlanBe the God of the Universe, full of Love and Grace, and turn the whole world upside-down with Your unconventional (i.e. miraculous) wonders.