I’m A Celebrity (Reviewer) Get Me Out of Here: Day 14

I’ve been online, doing some background reading into the actors (sorry: ‘personalities’) on ‘I’m a Celeb’. Hovering in the background like an omnipotent Cilla Black, my Mum tells me curtly that I’ll never find a husband on the internet. She clearly hasn’t been privvy to those conspiracy theories about Richard and Judy. Anyway, apparently Joe’s got a kid! Is he even legal yet? I feel a bit like he’s cheated on me. I hope I’m not turning into one of those nutter’s who can’t tell the difference between television characters and actual people. The boundaries are blurring and so, apparently, is my grip on reality. I also read that Nicola was bullied by other glamour models. Now there’s a show that I’d like to see.

Simon, Joe and Nicola took part in last night’s task. They pretended to the group that they hadn’t won. Then they revealed that, actually, they had won. That joke just gets better every single time, like marriage, or Michael Jackson’s nose jobs. Machiavellian David said that he knew what they were up to all along, and that he didn’t find their joke all that funny. Don’t worry David, they’ll probably introduce the lions soon. The three celebrated their win with a feast of kangaroo tail, sweet potatoes and broad beans. I would have thought that Nicola had been put off Kangaroo for life, but I guess her tastebuds have been eroded by a lifetime of oral sports.

Afterwards, Joe and Timmy had to fight off sheep to win Jaffa cakes. That’s right, sheep. ITV haven’t paid attention to my suggestions about lions, then. I had hoped that the sheep would be genetically engineered Terminator sheep, complete with laser eyes, hooves which morph into grenade-launchers, and abrasive wool coats. They were just sheep though, so I guess the show’s targeted at ‘City folk’. J and T had to shear the sheep, in order to reveal numbers hidden beneath the wool. Its actually quite a difficult thing to do. I have a friend that keeps sheep in the garden. She’s not a farmer, she just really wants a baby. Anyway, when it comes to sheep-shearing season, a strange atmosphere dominates her sheep pen. ‘Its like they know whats coming’ my friend Bethany explains. Its like they know whats coming, and they’ve secretly launched La Resistance.

On discovering what their task involved, Joe tried to back out, telling Timmy: “I don’t like sheep or any farm animals. We can’t do this Timmy“. Even Joe would have preferred lions! One of the sheep then kicked Joe in the nuts. It must have been their leader. Joe said:”They kicked with sharp hooves, I got an experience Iike I’ve never had before. I nearly cut off Alfie but he survived. I don’t like sheep, they s**t on the scissors“. ‘Alfie’, for those of you who haven’t been reading, is Joe’s name for his, ahem, ‘chief adviser’. Later on, Joe’s clothes mysteriously caught fire. You can say what you like about sheep, but they weren’t going to take it lying down.

Esther said of the blaze: “Excuse me, I can see sparks everywhere that’s what I’m putting out. I know about this. I have done a complete programme about fire safety when fire takes hold it goes very fast indeed”. Esther, darling, just so you know, telling people about your fire safety certificate isn’t going to help you pull. Not unless your target is Brian, anyway. She then told Joe that she had deliberately created the fire, saying: “I like you to go commando. You have tempted me with your luscious young body for too long”. Ant and Dec need to get her neutered. She must be on heat.
By Nicolette Smith

When not neglecting her social life and educational development in favour of watching televisual detritus, Nicolette enjoys pretending to be interested in her colleagues children and reading books rather than talking to actual people. She is still young enough to be contemplating getting an offensive slogan tattooed on her person, but old enough to rationalise that this is probably a poorly thought-out plan for the new-and-improved Nicolette of the future.