I never really understood your words, even though they were the most
beautiful words I had ever heard. For me it wasn't words, it was
something more, more beautiful. More important. A promise after another.
More words. I believed every whisper every sound that your mouth gave
me. I believed them because I needed something to hold on in this world
when everything else was crumbling apart. You gave me a shelter for the
night. A hiding place, where I could be myself. Not need to act anything
different. There in your home, in your arms I could relax, let down my
guard and just breath for awhile even though that was hard with you
there. You made me breathless everytime you entered the room. You made
the room glow in a special way, a light that was meant only for my eyes
to see.
From the day you kissed me lightly on the lips I knew that I was meant
for you, and you were the one for me. Never ever have I thought
differently. Your mouth made my insides jump and make cartwheels at the
same time. Your soft lips tasted like heaven when they made contact with
mine. The sweet taste that I miss all of the time when you're not on my
side.
I couldn't believe that you really were there and were not going
anywhere. I was not just one of the others. I was something special in
your eyes too. Everytime you didn't call and told me were you were I got
scared. Was this the end?
But it never was. You always came back to me.
Your eyes were like stars. Shining like stars do in the night. If one
could drown in someones eyes I would have drowned in yours.
The smile you gave me made me melt on the spot. I felt like I couldn't
move, and you always had to take the steps towards me. At that time you
always gave me a light kiss right on the lips and that just made me, the
wet pile on the floor disappear, vanish into the air.
The sweet words you whispered in my ear when I was about to fall asleep
with your arms around me and you breathing in my neck. I could feel your
warm body against mine, making me warm and fussy inside. All I did was
feel, no words needed and they would probably just have ruined the
moment.
Sometimes I did make a little sound just to hear you ask.
”What is it Shin?” Always the same words and tone. A little concerned
but just a little. I could feel you move up a bit from the matress
probably leaning on your elbow. Your eyes were locked on me and could
almost feel them in my neck. I smiled a bit but didn't open my eyes. I
let you look at me with a question written all over your face. Every
time it was the same thing, you never stopped asking.
”I just wanted to hear you voice.”I heard you laugh a bit and relax
again. You kissed my neck for a few minutes and made me all warm inside
once again. That was your talent. You always knew what buttons, and
where they were, to push. Your hands and fingers traced my body with
care, gently like you were scared of scareing me away. I wanted to tell
you that you could not do that, but I never found the right words to
use. And the fear of using the wrong words made me silent. I chose to
keep them to myself.
You kept on kissing me until you reached my lips, and of course did not
stop there, but you took a small pause when you just looked into my
eyes, with a small smile on your lips. I made eyecontact with you for
the first time in many minutes. You touched my chin with your soft
fingers and made me shiver.
”Are you cold?” Your voice was just a whisper not to break the moment. The perfect moment.
I shook my head a bit. The truth was that I was burning up more then
freezing. Once again I had a hard time to breathe, to get air into my
lugns.
Then you kissed me and I thought I was going to faint for loss of
oxygen. I felt like I was about to die any second but still I felt more
alive then ever.
Your lips left mine when we both needed air too much to continue. A
smile formed on your beautiful face. I wanted to remember that moment
forever, never forget.
I smiled lightly and touched your face and you took my hand and kissed it gently.
”I love you, Shin.”
My heart stopped beating and I couldn't breathe. I knew what you wanted
me to say and you also knew that I had a hard time saying it. Never had I
told another person that I loved him or her. My family of course but
besides them, never. I could feel tears in my eyes and I looked away
from your eyes so that you wouldn't see them.
I heard you sigh and I knew that you were sad. Disappointed. Without a word you left the room.
Now I could feel tears running down my cheeks. I did love you more then anything. Didn't you know that?
Why couldn't I say the words?
How hard can it be to say three words?
I love you.

I never really understood your words, even though they were the most
beautiful words I had ever heard. For me it wasn't words, it was
something more, more beautiful. More important. A promise after another.
More words. I believed every whispear every sound that your mouth gave
me.

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

The person keeps on calling and I keep on not answering. I can't talk to
her right now. Probably she hates me at the moment. I'm such an evil
person that doesn't answer the phone for two days because she can't take
talking to anyone on the phone at the moment.

I won't answer.

I just won't.

I sorry.

My life is in pieces right now and I just wanna stay home this day. I don't know anything about tomorrow yet.