Clubbing: A serious guide to a fun(?) night

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The smell of stale cigarettes hangs in the air, music blares through the speakers, the dizzying disco ball spins, alcohol slips out of uncovered drinks, people trip over scrunched beer cans and sway drunkenly across the dance floor like zombies.

Welcome to the club scene.

Welcome to hell.

If you’re contemplating going out to a club during, well, ever, this handy guide will help you successfully navigate the scene.

How to club:

1. Don’t.

2. But, in the likely event that sometime during your degree you are experiencing heartbreak or peer pressure, give it a try. After all, they might be playing Beyoncé (who doesn’t like Beyoncé?). Do it for her.

3. Make a plan to go to the club with several reliable and trustworthy people. Always bring others to the club with you. Don’t be that person who just stands in the corner, nodding and bobbing to the beat while sipping an alcoholic beverage and looking at the dance floor with nostalgia. You know who you are, Twenty/20 dude.

4. Bring your [real or an outstanding fake] identification. Show your ID to the intimidating, hulk-looking people. They don’t tend to like it if you (try) to walk past them.

5. Get wrecked. Have you gone to a club sober? It’s terrifying. It’s flashing, dazzling, loud chaos. Thomas Hobbes was probably at Khrome when he wrote “… continual fear and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” It is a frightening experience, and one you can never truly recover from.

6. If you are not into drinking, you should probably evacuate the dance floor when the song “Shots” comes on. You know what? You should probably just leave entirely. Right now.

7. Embrace the environment like the drunk friend you haven’t seen in five hours who runs at you and screams your name. It’s really not as scary as it may sound. I lied, it’s terrifying.

8. Befriend the intoxicated crying person in the washroom. They’re easy to spot because they are visibly crying and wailing someone’s name while their friend consoles them by saying, “Honey, he’s an asshole, that’s why.” If it’s any consolation, their night is probably going worse than yours. Probably.

9. At this point in the night, you’re probably thinking one of the following: “I should have left three shots ago” or “I should have taken three shots.”

10. Get on the dance floor and dance your failure of a life away! Is someone judging your dance moves? Probably! And it’s likely me.

11. Sing! Actually, on second thought, refrain from singing if you’re going to croak the words to “Despacito” like a frog. Yes, I did overhear that once. Yes, it was scarring.

12. Don’t make eye contact with anyone. I once looked up from my phone while taking a dancing break and accidentally made eye contact with a young man. He stared directly into my eyes and sang, “We found love right where we are.” I can’t listen to Ed Sheeran anymore. Never make eye contact.

13. Stay with your friends — unless you find another friend and, in that case, ditch the whole shebang and go get pizza with this friend.

14. When you get home, you will likely come to the conclusion that you should have just stayed home. You really should have.