When Yelling is a Pattern

Yelling is a topic that has meaning for everyone. All of us have raised our voices, probably more than once. No, I did not come from a home of screaming parents or siblings. However, I do see many families and couples who yell a lot at each other often, and the short and long-term consequences of regular yelling/screaming are not pretty. Those of you who experience yelling on a regular basis know what I’m talking about.

Yelling at Children

Yelling at children teaches them how to yell, when to yell, and that yelling is an effective response to emotionally charged situations. By extension, it teaches them an ineffective way to process anger, as anger is usually associated with yelling.

Yelling scares most children—the younger the child, often the more fear they feel. In a state of fear it is next to impossible for a child to think about their mistake or misbehavior. If a child cannot think about their mistake, a child cannot learn from their mistake. Children are far less likely to learn the lesson you want them to learn when they are afraid. Instead of the lesson they might otherwise learn from natural, appropriate consequences associated with their mistake, they learn to be afraid. Fearful children often grow up to be fearful adults and parents. Sometimes they grow up to be yellers. No surprise.

Regularly yelling at a child before the age of three or four, or before they have an expansive developmental use of language, teaches them to replace useful language with yelling. In other words, a child will not learn useful, effective expression when yelling is their model. The short version is, “if mom and/or dad yell, then so can I.” They are too young to know better.

Helplessness

Not only is yelling learned from our own parents in some cases, it also means a parent probably feels helpless. It is a sign that a parent does not know a more effective alternative at that moment. Helplessness is a very powerful feeling, and when the brain reads the ‘helpless signal,’ so to speak, it will do almost anything to reduce it. The antidote to helplessness begins with a four step process, which will aide in reducing/stopping yelling at the kids:

Make a conscious, verbal decision to stop yelling.

Make the commitment to learn the skills necessary for replacing yelling with effective responses. Go to The Love and Logic Institute, and invest in their parenting CD’s, books & DVD’s. From that material you can learn those skills (no, I do not get residuals for recommending their remarkable material, but I’d appreciate it if you would tell them I sent you!). All you need to know about replacing yelling, and learning how to really enjoy parenting is there. OK, now that’s your skills toolbox. But, now you have to reduce the reactivity that precedes your yelling–that’s the hard part. Parents who effectively manage their emotional reactivity do not tend to yell.

If reactivity (which I will say more about below) and anger are problems for you, which frequently is the case with chronic yellers, professional counseling may be your best investment.

Try this new thought as a guide to changing your thinking about yelling as you consider making your decision to stop: “There is nothing a child can do that calls for yelling at them—unless it will literally save their life.”

By the way, in 29 years of practicing therapy, I’ve never met a parent who remarked: “Boy, do I regret not yelling at my kid, what a mistake that was.”

Yelling at Your Spouse / Partner

Yelling at your spouse/partner induces fear, just as it does in a child. Brain research has shown that it is very difficult to think while in a state of fear. If you want your partner to think about what you say, the odds for that increase when you speak in a way that does not produce fear. When your partner hears yelling, the brain reads it as DANGER, and your partner experiences fear. It (the brain) immediately goes in to some degree of fight or flight mode—how much depends on the amount of perceived threat. The behavior from your partner at that point will probably range from yelling back/defensiveness (fight mode) to silence/withdrawal (flight mode). Neither will produce a satisfactory outcome.

Fight mode is sometimes referred to as “reactive.” In fight or reactive mode we tend to say things we regret or wish we could take back, which, of course calls for repair. Part of this pattern often includes your partner reacting defensively and/or critically when yelled at. That defensiveness triggers more frustration, anger and lashing out. Without knowing what to do, or how to respond differently, the cycle is repeated, and both partners suffer and struggle with a broken or unsatisfactory conflict management process. The next time an issue surfaces it will be anticipated with dread.

Flight mode is also referred to as silence/withdrawal. In flight mode, two common options arise: One, you either do not know what to say due shutting down with fear; or, two, you may know exactly what you want to say, but, you say nothing because a part of you believes that what you think and/feel is unimportant, so why bother. Either way you have no voice. In the end, both you and your partner are probably angry, hurt, disappointed and frustrated, and blaming the other for the “breakdown in communication.”

More accurately, there was no “breakdown in communication,” per se. In fact, there was plenty of communication, too much of it ineffective. More significant was the breakdown in reactivity management. All the good communication skills in the tool bag will be of little use in the face of unchecked or poorly managed reactivity. Why might professional counseling helpful at this point? Because chronic ineffectively managed reactivity almost always has some roots in our early history. A competent marital therapist can help connect early roots to current events, finish some old business, and help you develop reactivity management alternatives.

Yelling Alternatives

I am aware that many of you prefer counseling as a last resort. If that’s the case, on your own, try the following:

Before you begin your discussion, each of you verbally acknowledge your willingness to break the pattern that is not working. It might sound like this: “The last time we discussed this, I did not react effectively. I am going to try some new behaviors.”

Next, each of you openly acknowledge to your partner how you aspire to be during the discussion. If you tend to be the yeller, acknowledge that you aspire to be calm, and what new behavior you plan to employ if you begin to feel activated. You might say, for example, “I’m starting to feel like I want to yell, my frustration is building, I would like to stop for a few minutes so that I can get calm again.” THAT WOULD BE NEW BEHAVIOR. If you begin to feel activated, take responsibility for it—do not blame your partner. What ever new behavior you decide to try, let it be known in advance of the discussion. No surprises, unless they’re pleasant ones.

Hold yourself to the healthy code of conduct to which you aspire; let your partner do the same for him/herself. How you aspire to be is all you have control over.

In advance, put a time limit on the length of the discussion. If you each feel comfortable continuing on, agree to another time limit. Repeat as necessary.

When either of you call for a time out, especially to lower your reactivity, decide on a time to resume. This reduces the chances of avoiding your way out of the discussion entirely.

After the discussion, and only if you both agree to, analyze YOUR own respective roles in how the discussion went. Talk about yourself, unless complimenting your partner. Determine where you might become more effective, and tell your partner. Focus on your behavior, not your partner’s.

Good luck in your attempts to break this difficult pattern. It’s not easy. The fact that you are making an attempt builds trust and self-confidence.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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227 comments

Leave a Comment

Kiera

October 7th, 2008 at
12:27 AM

Ok this is totally me!!! I yell at everyone. I am married and have a son who is now 4 yrs old. I started yelling and getting so worked up with everything and everyone right from the time he was one. I now realise that my son probably obeys me more out of the fear of my anger rather than realising what he did was wrong. I feel so small today but I am intending to make a conscious effort to change myself starting from today. Great advice this one and I am going to try and keep it!!

gudia

Yeller

July 6th, 2018 at
5:30 AM

Sounds like yelling was a solution for you. I’m glad to hear your child now does what you ask. I wish I my child would listen to me instead of just pissing off our neighbors to no end with his behavior. I can get him to stop after a few minutes of yelling at him, and/or taking way anything he values. Right now the alternative is to run out the clock until he is so tired he collapses. Which can take hours, aggravating the people in and around our house every morning and night.

Nicole

October 13th, 2008 at
3:40 AM

My family is not a family of yellers, but boy there are some days when I could really just let it all out! I used to have a much worse temper but having a family has somehow had the opposite effect on me and has made me a much more mellow person. Sure this was probably a conscious decision on my part but I definitely like myself better today than I did when the only way I knew how to express myself was through anger and yelling at others. Kiera, I feel for you and am thinking about you today because I know from personal experience how hard it can be to break those patterns of behavior and as much as I know you want to do this for your son, change the behavior for you too. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel about life in general and your relationships with others when you develop different ways to communicate what is going on in your life. Best of luck to you!

Starla

October 14th, 2008 at
3:06 AM

It is when I get stressed about things that I really notice yelling more and more. I have been going through a divorce and I know I have not been the best to my kids lately just due to the amount of pressure I now feel and the anxiety and worries over ending my marriage. This article has given me some real insight into what I am doing to not only my children but also to myslef with this type of behavior. I am ready to try the tools for NOT yelling and dealing with my anger in a way that is more beneficila for everyone.

Rafael

William S

October 15th, 2008 at
3:03 AM

Yelling for me is something that always just makes me feel even worse than I did before I started! You always feel like it is going to be such a release but than you just feel guilty over the way you have behaved- I do anyway. This is a great motivation for me to try to stop.

Amrita

April 21st, 2017 at
7:50 PM

I loved what u said. In the moment of fear, despair i am venting out my anger. But right after i am apologetic as i m ashamed of myself. This type of behavior is very unfortunate. I pray that us who are suffering from this, are healed and become complete again.

Dru D

October 18th, 2008 at
9:09 AM

itmakes me so mad when I see adults yell at their helpless children!!! don’t they realize they are being such poor role models for their kids and that they are teaching them that this is the only way to let off steam and deal with others when they are angry or frustrated.. children deserve better than that!

jb

June 30th, 2016 at
5:22 PM

Not everyone can be perfect like you I guess. You must be a real douchbag to post that on an article about this. Maybe you need to work on compassion the way others need to work on yelling. You better be careful about judging others, you may find yourself in exactly their position one day.

Dee Dee g

August 30th, 2016 at
11:01 AM

Duh, nobodies perfect. Yelling, name calling, causing. I will not have it. I ask a guy once. “What does your bestfriend do or say when you yell at him.” He said, “I never have yelled at him.” I replied, “Then why is it ok to yell at me.” Silence!

Jay Cee

June 20th, 2018 at
11:30 PM

haha, let me guess, you are about 15. get back to us when you have kids.

Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

October 19th, 2008 at
8:47 AM

Dru D, you are correct. How children learn to act; what it means to be and how to be a woman, mother, wife, man, father, husband are all learned by observing and internalizing what we grow up with. Of course, parents who yell at their children often/usually were yelled at by their own parent(s) and so are acting on the only internal models they have. It takes real work and committment to change such behavior. The results, however, are well worth it.

A.F.

GoodTherapy Admin

July 3rd, 2015 at
12:29 PM

Thank you for your comment, A.F.. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

Unknown

December 2nd, 2016 at
11:11 PM

Yes it’s a cycle and I would like to break it ! My father would always yell at my mother for everything everyday and he lost her after 17 years of putting up with his constant arguing she asked for a dirvorce now he likes to yell at me constantly everyday morning to night because he is so overwhelmed over his divorce I’m only 15 and I’d like to know how to cope with the constant yelling it really mAkes me feel so sick and frustrated all day with a big ole headache just to have someone barking down your tree over nothing really. I catch myself loosing my temper and yelling at my siblings and some times yes my own mother It creates a whole issue and then everyone is just mad at each other over nothing I can’t help myself but I hate how it seems to be ruining my relationships with my own family how do I talk instead of yelling and deal with my father yelling at me?

Being There

December 4th, 2016 at
8:24 PM

@Unknown … that fact that you recognize this at the age of 15 is very remarkable. Next, understand that it isn’t you, or your siblings. Hard to do, but separate your negative feelings – concentrate on the positive.

Jake

October 22nd, 2008 at
1:13 PM

I find it so sad when the only forms of communication I see between partners is that of yelling. Don’t they realize that things are meant to be so much better than this?

Juanita

October 4th, 2016 at
8:58 AM

Im in a new relationship with a longtime friend who witnessed alot of dysfunction while i was with my ex for ten years.My friend and now boyfriend has been so kind and available every time ive needed him so with that i treat our relationship very carefully and watch for behaviours and try to correct mine so im not destroying by bringing in past behavior from my failed one.I have alot of work to do and feel I’ve started something that mabe should of waited till i did some self discovery but thats not the choice i made so im trying to understand and constantly remind myself that open communication is key because building things quietly against someone i love in my opinion is not love at all to me its settling and not trying to have a decent relationship at all.If things come up i tell him in a creative and loving way or sometimes i let myself stew and then i realize its old behaviour and tell myself its not fair to him and go in with good thoughts but hes very sensitive and knows most of the time and calls me on things.Hes super sweet and says he wants to make me happy and i worry if its because of what he witnessed in my past relationship. Even through it all i tell him it takes two and and i want for his happiness also because i know there must be all these things like attraction and willingness to listen and learn from each other. Anyways im not sure if im bitting off more then i can chew because at times i feel like running away and when i bring up things im having a hard time with about him he makes excuse after excuse and starts to raise his voice when all im trying to do is communicate and have a healthy relationship. Its almost the same reaction i got from my other relationship thats when i take cover and remain silent but then get called out for doing so please help me i wont spend another ten years trying but dont want to throw away something good if its an easy fix.I just want to see things and fix them befoure they become unmanageable. Like his need to raise his voice or finger pointing ive noticed he starting to do this and all i want to do is run.Please help

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

October 6th, 2016 at
10:55 AM

Juanita,

It sounds to me like it’s time to seek out a good therapist either as a couple or for yourself individually. It sounds as though each of you have your own way of avoiding facing your differences in an effective way, and moving from avoidance to non-avoidance is often a difficult thing to do. Try counseling. My guess is that you will find it helpful.

Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

October 23rd, 2008 at
9:41 AM

Jake,

Sometimes people’s history has “taught” them this manner of relating. It may not be that they purposefully choose to yell, but that this is what they learned in their family of origin. It can also be that they are overwhelmed with emotion and are not thinking

Kiera

October 27th, 2008 at
11:23 PM

My son is nearly 4 now. We used to have squabbles and I had a bad habit of using offensive language which I consciously changed over the last 6 months. I see the damage done already. When I try calmly correcting him he says, “Shut up!!” I used to yell at him the same way before. Today I hear my own voice in his and it hurts more than anything in this world.

Sarah Chana Radcliffe

November 3rd, 2008 at
6:22 PM

Just in case anyone is interested, I wrote a book called “Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.” It provides practical alternatives to yelling that are easy to apply. The techniques work well in marital relationships also. I believe, like Dr. Hutt, that yelling is extremely harmful in family life. However, it’s not enough to want to stop. We need to know what to do instead that really works. I offer solutions in my book and on my parenting web site. You are welcome to post parenting questions on that site as well and I’ll be happy to answer them.

AmyLee

November 7th, 2008 at
2:58 AM

This is oh so familiar to me. I grew up fearing my dad, but loving him, because if we didn’t do something right or we got into trouble, we could bet that we would get more than a yelling. I think that is why I grew up scared asking for anything. I am married and I have a son and I can’t remember ever yelling at him when he was younger. I’m sure I probably did but I know that we usually yell to get things our way or to get something accomplished. I would hate to think my son has to fear either one of his parents.

Lori Bell

November 7th, 2008 at
3:00 AM

I can see where this would be hurtful to the kids as well as adults. I still see parents yelling and screaming at their kids in the grocery store and wonder why they want to do that in front of other people. Sometime I see kids, just rebel when being yelled at, as if they are challenging their parents. So sad.

Kylie

November 7th, 2008 at
3:47 AM

No one wants there children to be scared of them. It may seem at the time this is the only way to get children to listen to you, but in the long run, this can really take a toll on the children. I think this is why so many children, when they grow up and get married, they think they can yell at their spouses or children because that is what they learned.

Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

November 8th, 2008 at
7:01 AM

Dear Kylie,

You make a good point. We learn about what it means to be a man, husband, father, woman, wife, mother from those who raise us and that is the model in our psyche. So, our future close relationships are often rooted in, based on, and mimic, those earlier ones. The good news is that while negative behavior may be learned, it can also be “unlearned,” or new, more productive and positive ways of interacting can be learned….often therapy helps in this process.

Del

November 15th, 2008 at
10:56 AM

My wife yells at our daughter SOOOO often that I can almost say she always yells. I can be sitting on our couch 25 feet away and she hurts my ears, meanwhile she is in the restroom with our daughter trying to get her to wash her hands. I have tried and tried and tried to have a unified front in front of our daughter, but it is getting pretty bad. I usually do not have a problem with our daughter minding me because I am consistent with corrections, whereas my wife will all but beg her to do something for her. She will say, “Isabelle! Get over here….get over here right now…do you want a time-out….get over here now or were aren’t going to the so-n-so’s birthday party…Isabelle, I’m counting to three….” I’m not joking…it really is that bad. When I mention that she yells, she tells me that I’m being to critical. I don’t know what to do. If I were to look for professional help, what kind of professional should I look for?

Jerry

September 23rd, 2014 at
7:35 PM

Del, I am in the same position. Also, when I try to tell my wife that she is yelling too much, she will turn it on me and say that I am not supporting her and that I am taking the kids side. Our kids should not be crying every time she helps them with their homework. If you find a way that helps you out please pass it along.

Ind!ian

June 23rd, 2016 at
5:27 AM

You are not the only one on earth. Women tend to lose patience easily. All you can do is sit and watch or try speaking this to your wife. If your wife is very understanding, then record couple of instances of her behaviour towards the kid and play it back to her. Problem is toddlers and babies reflect parents behaviour. So we have to be very careful. If a child is misbehaving or if a adult is an complete idiot (interms of his behaviour) then look at their parents. Sometimes school going kids will have negative effect they bring from mingling with kids who come different backgrounds with all sorts of behaviour(s) and replicate those as well. As a parent, the best we can give to our child and our society is live the live a good way without hurting others and kids should grow up seeing this and they will replicate this on the society and to their kids in the future as well.
If we create good kids, they become good adults. If we have good adults, then we have good parents. If we have good parents we have parents teaching and living a good life and this creates a good family. If this is applicable to all the families then we have a good society. If we have a good society, we make a whole city a good place a nicer place to live. If this happens we make a good country and if we have good countries we make a better world.
Turn back and see where we have left this world now :) .

Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

November 15th, 2008 at
3:06 PM

Dear Del,

You are facing a very difficult problem. If your wife sees that there is a problem (that yelling is out of hand and not productive and that she’d like your daughter to “listen” without having to yell), then you can all see a mental health professional (social worker, psychologist, marriage and family therapist, etc). It may be that your wife will need to see someone individually to help her understand what drives her yelling and help her then move that insight into behavioral change. However, if your wife does not see any problem, does not want to change, or says, “she has to change first,” then you have a much more difficult situation on your hands. It may be, unfortunately, like having to choose your daughter’s emotional and psychological health or your marriage…in which case, you may want to consult with a professional to examine how best to proceed.

Del

November 16th, 2008 at
7:37 PM

Well, as luck would have it, my wife and I had a long, sometimes heated, discussion regarding her yelling. She was extremely defensive. She named many reasons why she yelled…all my fault. Then it was the bills, then it was work, then it was…you get the picture. After an hour of stopping her every time she tried to transfer blame for her yelling, she took a break from it all and got the mail. What came in the mail, you ask? The latest issue of Parents magazine, and on the cover was the title to an article called “Discipline Without Yelling”. She said it was God speaking to her and she took it to heart. No disrespect intended, but I don’t care if she thinks it was Elvis and Hoffa both speaking to her from Santa’s sleigh as long as she stops yelling at our daughter. After reading the article, she has improved dramatically. Her volume raises then goes back down before she finishes her sentence. I am very proud of her; it couldn’t have been easy. We have barely started our journey to a more quiet house, but I have high hopes.

Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

November 17th, 2008 at
5:44 AM

Dear Del,

Great to hear your good news.

Often change occurs when a person is in the right frame and then it just takes a serendipitous event/moment to make it happen. As Einstein (?) said, genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration….it may be that all your previous discussions set the stage so that the magazine was that final push.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

February 9th, 2009 at
2:54 PM

Chareen,

People feel helpless for a lot of reasons. Rather than trying to go in to all of them right now,
I want to give you some alternative ways of responding when you feel helpless, like you want to yell at your daughter:

1. Tell her you will talk about the situation when you know what you want to say that will be helpful.

2. Go to: loveandlogic.com and order “The Lifesaver Kit.” Just do it.
You will find alternatives to being helpless that will change your life.

Chareen NZ

February 9th, 2009 at
1:24 PM

i am sitting here feeling very helpless and feeling awful for yelling at my daughter this morning before school. She just started yesterday at a new school, intermediate now, and yesterday she went to the skate park with friends and lost her school shoes. aaarrgghh!
i always yell at her say awful things that i know are definetly not encouraging or going to help her, but it seems i just cant hold my tounge.
but i realise i do have to find a way through my yelling as there are more worse situations than this, thaat would be more fitting to yell, but i feel weak.
i cant wait till she comes home and i can hug her and work through her area of weakness positively..and my weakness too.

Doug

November 16th, 2010 at
9:39 AM

Wow! Help! I am witnessing things in my wife that I’m not sure how to stop. We have twins and I have never witnessed anyone so unhearted as my wife. She constantly yells and screams at them and berates them, slams doors, never plays with them, and if one falls and hurts themselves will sit on the couch and not even react. They are only 2 1/2 and I seriously am worried at the road we are going down. I don’t ever remember growing up in a household like this and my wife will throw every excuse in the book that the way she reacts is justified. She will respond with things like if you think you can do better, than you stay home. I would LOVE to stay home if someone didn’t have to go work and pay her credit card bill that she won’t stop spending. We both have careers but since the twins her energy to find a job has dwindled to nothing. It makes me so mad that when I talk to her about this it sets her off into a yelling, slamming rage usually in front of the kids. She is being seen for severe depression and I have tried to talk to the doctor about what is REALLY happening at home but the doctor will not discuss her patient due to the medical laws. I hate her parents very much because my wife has admitted many times that this was the household she was raised in.

Doug

November 16th, 2010 at
8:55 PM

Thanks for the reply and we are seeing a couples therapist and she has admitted all these things in counseling. After a therapy appointment her waking up moment will last maybe for 2-3 days and she has the motivation to be a good mother but it then just starts coming back to rock bottom. Sometimes she walks away from the therapist furious with her and every time wonders why the therapist always seems to come down on her. Her doctor has recommended a personal therapist many times and I try to get my wife to a therapist but she lacks the motivation to go. Any attempt on my part fails and hence the cycle of yelling and slamming repeats itself.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

November 17th, 2010 at
9:00 AM

You might want to ask your couples therapist to teach both of you specific methods of reducing reactivity. If the therapist does not know how to do that, then consider finding one who does. Reducing reactivity can be a complicated task, but by your description, that needs to be the main focus, it seems to me. And reactivity will not lessen by being told to calm down. Specific measures must be taken, which I cannot teach you in this blog.

Mrs.

February 10th, 2011 at
11:39 AM

I find myself yelling because talking with my husband hasn’t helped.

We talk about our issues, and one of them is his avoidance of responsibility. He admits he withdraws and lets me handle the kids, mine and his from his first marriage that he has custody with. On top of this, I deal with his rude, angry, mentally ill ex wife who is constantly causing chaos in our lives.

I catch myself yelling and I stop sooner. Sometimes though, when I begin to yell during an argument, I’ve already asked my husband to let me collect myself but he won’t. He will keep talking and being sarcastic or basically forcing me to keep talking when what I really need is to calm down.

He’s gotten a LITTLE better at letting me go away into another room to recollect but usually takes it as an insult and gets angry! I feel we are never going to get it together.

I’ve resorted to staying in one part of the house most of the time and I’m very depressed. Will probably end up divorcing.

tim

Dear “Mrs”. Your post is riddled with blame towards others for causing you to yell. That is classic. If this was OK to do we would ALL go around yelling all the time.

comment: Of course he does I’ll bet you make him feel as if he is a screw up so why should he try?

No doubt you will get divorced but I bet your husband loves you dearly he just doesn’t like your yelling and treating him disrespectfully. I say all this out of personal experience. I’m almost sure its YOU, not them. Please consider this. If not, be alone. That’s probably what you secretly want anyway —– or you wouldn’t act this way.

Empower

September 23rd, 2018 at
6:22 PM

Experience is the best teacher, exactly what you replied her has been an issue i am handling at the moment. Some ladies will create problems in the house due to lack of respect or the amount of value they add to thing they have. She think divorce is the solution, there is something else she is not satisfied with.
Relationship is an endless institution.

sara

December 27th, 2016 at
3:21 PM

I am a woman, and yelling really upsets me. I don’t know what would work to get men from yelling, but women I know — admonish them very sternly (we hate to be admonished like if we’re stupid ). Something like, “Are you okay? Can you say that without screaming? If you can’t, don’t address me until you can.” and walk out. or “Do you realize how nasty and disrespectful you sound when you yell? I don’t care to talk with a person so unaware.” and walk out. If you continue to pretend that their yelling is not offensive and disrespectful, they will never get it.

Phil

May 30th, 2012 at
12:48 PM

God help us. My wife yells at the kids and puts them down. She does the same thing to me. Nobody ever lives up to her expectations, and every problem is caused by either me or the children. It is hurting our whole family. She comes from a family of yelling and contentious women. I see why Saint Paul said “I wish every man were as I am (not married. If you marry you will have problems and will have to please your wife.”

Mai

June 1st, 2012 at
11:23 AM

Wow, the article and comments were very explanatory and interesting. I am in a relationship where my partner is the yeller. We have been together 4 years – We have come to a point where he can’t go a day without feeling the need or urge to shout! He will shout because of anything. Literally, if anything small irritates him he will start to shout – but its mainly aimed at me. He has a really deep voice as it is and hes quite a big guy compared to me and my size. so when he shouts its quite intimidating. Its really getting to me. Im usually a relaxed and easy going person but now i feel so angry and cry, most of the time i dont know what to do, if i shout back the situation gets worse, if i give him the silent treatment it will irritate him also, if i cry – He doesnt understand why i cry – he thinks i like to cry or i need to cry because im a soppy person, but i hate crying! i feel so low when i cry it sometimes is the only way i know how to deal with my frustration or hurt without arguing. Anyway, I dont really know how to cope with it. sometimes if we are in a public place and i tell him to keep his voice down, he has the most annoying moany tone, its so annoying like a spoilt bratty child! is there something wrong with him mentally? is it immaturity? i dont know – but how do i make it stop!? :S

Martini58

June 7th, 2012 at
12:14 PM

Mai, I feel for you, but the only behavior you can control is your own. It must embarrass you to be in public with “a yeller” yet your husband already knows this. He is using yelling to control you and keep you where he wants you, therefore you have this pattern of behavior with each other. It is that of an “enabler” and the “abuser”. Seek therapy for yourself so you can learn how to react to his “yelling”…it can make a difference for you and give you peace of mind. If your husband will acknowledge that his behavior is abnormal…then perhaps you both could seek counseling together. I wish you the best.

Marissa

June 16th, 2012 at
4:24 PM

Can anyone recommend a good book or articles/websites that focus on yelling at your partner. We don’t fight but when I speak to her about something I’m sad, angry, frustrated, happy or excited I raise my tone. I grew up in a house with yelling and I’m very ready to nip it in the bud before the children come into play. She asks me very nicely to stop yelling and I just yell back I’m not yelling! When she tries to walk away I get even more upset. Any advice please!

Naomi

July 9th, 2012 at
8:24 AM

I’m in my 50’s. I’ve got a college degree, but have never been able to hold onto a job long. I have problems with depression and anxiety. My siblings also have problems. They too have college degrees and are unemployed. I grew up in a time, and in a household, where yelling (on a daily basis) and spanking were the norm. You tell me if it was harmful.

j

September 24th, 2012 at
12:20 PM

One thing missing here. As a yeller myself, one of the reasons I yell is because my husband doesn’t lift a finger around the house unless I have nagged him to death for weeks on end. My children don’t listen on the first or second request, instead they are becoming more and more like their father, waiting until I explode and can’t ask nicely anymore. Nothing gets done in our house unless I do it. I’m tired and I’m exhausted. We homeschool, too, so I am rarely without a child. My husband travels yet we never go on family vacations. There isn’t a whole lot of fun in our home, and I refuse to take the full blame for that. It takes two. After reading the article and these comments, I urge you, if you live with someone who yells, to ask them what can YOU do to help make their life a little easier. Maybe you are dumping on the yeller without even realizing it. Maybe the yeller feels very taken advantage of and is at the end of their rope. This is how I feel everyday, and everyday I yell about something, even when I wake up in the morning and vow that I won’t raise my voice today. It doesn’t last because I come downstairs to find a mountain of things that need to be taken care of, and three males sitting on the couch looking at their phones and i-pads and watching TV. Just because a wife/mom is a yeller doesn’t mean she’s a terrible person who must have better self-control. Sometimes it’s because she’s drowning in a sea of to-do lists and no one she lives with cares about lending a hand.

m2a

January 5th, 2013 at
7:05 AM

Husbands are so quick to put their wives down without realizing how difficult it is to raise children 24/7, 365 and care for the home alone with no help given or offered at all. Like the above poster I sometimes yell at my child because I am at my wits end on how to cope anymore. My husband does nothing to help around the house or with our child. Just because he’s the only breadwinner it gives him the right not to lift a finger at all. He says it’s my duty not his. I’ve tried talking, asking him to go for marital counselling but nothing works. I really don’t understand why he chose to get married and have a family if hE didn’t want any part in the ‘hard stuff’ ie: caring for the home and child. I feel like a servant in my own home not a wife. None of my views matter and I am constantly blamed for being upset or too tired to get intimate.. And the cycle repeats itself the next day. I hate that I yell at my child and would always walk away to cool down before exploding but sometimes it’s just so hard when you’re in it alone with no one, friends or family to turn to for help. I’m sure only another SAHM or dad in a similar situation like mine can truly understand the frustration.

In case anyone’s wondering, I’m a foreigner thus no family here. Husband won’t let me socialise at all and abuses me physically, mentally and emotionally. Why am I still here? He holds our child as ‘hostage’ and threatens to take our child away should I leave or report to authorities. I wish this on no one, no even my worst enemy. I am still planning an escape plan for me and my child. God help us. Sorry for venting.. Have no one to talk to. Thanks for listening.

Brenda

I have such sadness after having read your story. My heart goes out to you & your children. I wish I could do more to help you. You & your kids are in my prayers. I wish you the best.

Anonymous

November 16th, 2016 at
9:41 AM

There is never an excuse for yelling, especially if it reaches a point, due to frequency or intensity, that it becomes an abusive pattern. People who feel their other half isn’t living up to their end of the bargain need to productively and respectfully address that issue with their loved one. Otherwise, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be in the situation. You would both be happier with different partners, you with someone who cleans more, and him with someone who won’t yell. I am at my wit’s end with a spouse who yells at me regularly for the same reasons you mentioned. She thinks the yelling is normal and no big deal and won’t stop no matter how many times I ask, beg, plead, etc. She also refuses counseling. I am resigned to an eventual divorce because my wife won’t treat me respectfully and refuses to work on the problem with me. She would rather have her yelling than our marriage.

Nan

February 12th, 2019 at
2:07 PM

I believe you that you are doing everything and are overwhelmed at your house, thus you resort to yelling. However, my husband has a short temper and will yell and yell about most things. He claims that it’s just that his voice is “loud”, as he is hard of hearing. I calmly explain that I understand that his voice might be a bit louder than others because of his hearing loss….however there is a difference (this is his excuse, nothing more) between raging and yelling. Saying this, there is NO WAY I want to ask him what I can do for him to make things easier for him. I already do all I can, take care of the budget, clean everything, take care of laundry, food shopping, and we are retired. He spends about 5 ours a day online. I rarely mention anything about that. I keep pretty busy with the house, etc..during the day. He is the one who needs to help ME, by controlling his quick temper, raging at the traffic, the poor results he got when attempting to order something online, something that a sales clerk said to him, a friend who annoyed him….the yelling is AT me. I have even asked if he yells at other people. Of course, he doesn’t. I ask him not to save it for me, as it is disrespectful, and unwarranted. I say that his non-listening, non-stopping raging is NOT acceptable to me. He usually claims it’s because he’s tried to explain something to me, and I didn’t understand it. I will tell him “I understand, because you have told me over and over. But you are still yelling.” Afterwards, he tries to be so lovey to me. Good grief! I want to be left alone. I don’t want a Jeckyll and Hyde in my life.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

September 24th, 2012 at
4:12 PM

Wow, J, things sound absolutely awful for you at home! First of all, I hope nothing my post led you believe that you are a bad person because you yell. Quite the contrary, you sound like a very good person who is in a lot of pain.

Obviously I do not know your situation details. By what you wrote, it appears you and your husband would benefit from counseling for the marriage. Second, it also seems that the kids are not required to do much around the house, and instead feel entitled to ignore your requests.

In order to change that, and you can change it, go the following web site:
loveandlogic. com. Once there, buy The Life Saver Kit. I do not get paid to refer folks to use this stuff. Quite simply, I used it to help my wife and i raise our own (now adult) children. All I can say is that it changes our lives for the better.

Love and Logic will give you all the alternatives to yelling. Let me know how it progresses. I want to know.

Husband

October 5th, 2012 at
2:37 PM

I’ve been married with my wife for about 17 years, and it’s the 1st marriage for both of us. Before the marriage, we had known each other for about 3 years then dated for another 3 years, so the total amount of time we’ve been together is about 23 years so far. As you can guess, I loved and still love her very much. Now we have 1 boy (10 year old) and 1 girl (3 year old). Normally, my wife didn’t yell or criticize my son and me. Of course, she yelled me sometimes, but it’s not a big deal because it happened rarely (when I did something wrong).

Since couple year ago, thoght, I’ve noticed that my wife’s yelling, shouting, and criticizing my son very often, especially this year. Frequently it happened to me too when asking to stop yelling at him or ignoring her criticizm about me. Often she yells at and criticizes me in front of my kids. Of course, I felt so bad, but most of times I try to ignore whatever my wife says, but once in awhile I couldn’t stop myself and start arguing with her. Then, the conversation’s getting worse over time, and we begin to criticize eadh other with the family histories, personal behaviors, our parents, family members, etc. When the topic moves from other topics (our kids, friends, or family members) to me, my wife often yells that she’s mad at me because I was telling her a lie or ignoring her when asking to me. I confested her that I was trying to ignore her because I didn’t want to argue with her, which always led to the conversation getting worse.

The latest case (my wife claimed I told her a lie) happened when my son and I were talking. While my son was laying down on a couch and reading a book in a family room, I was asking him to go to his room and read the book. At that time, my wife was in the next room and misunderstood what I was saying. Then, she shouted, “Turn the TV off! Why you turned on the TV!” At that moment, my son and I were little confused with her response, and I went to the room she’s in and told her that he didn’t turn on the TV but read the book. I was smiling but she felt that I smiled bitterly. Then, the argument was getting worse and worse during the night, we criticized each other, and she started to blame me. So, I asked her who started this argument. Her answer was that’s me. She said I started first. Silly… I know… But, I was very frustrated and said to her that she started yelling at my son then transitioning to me when I told her what I asked to my son. Guess what? Then, she said that she asked “Who turned on the TV minutes ago!” So, I said “What are you talking about? As you know I was there with the kids watching TV at that time. Later I was out of the room with (my daughter), and he (my son) turned off the TV and read the book. Still I don’t understand why you are mad at me because there’s no relationship with what you were asking.”

In addition, recently my wife frequently complains about the friends, family members, kids, and me. But, she changes her mind whenever the person does good to her. Up and down, and… up and down… One day, complaining against her friend, but the next day she changed her mind and said that her friend’s really good. Since I’m not that kind of person who’s easy to change his/her mind, I often found myself frustrated with such actions.

It’s kind of a crucial moment to our relationship (and marriage) because I’m fine at work but I’m not happy when coming home due to my wife’s attitude/behavior. When coming to home after work, sometimes she told me that I should take care of the kids at home because I was enjoying my personal time at work. One time I asked her, “Don’t even play me with that. Working at the company is hard, and I’m little tired with such a joke.” Then, she sometimes changes her face and starts complaining against me about everything, like my daily exercise pattern, eating habit (I’ve tried to cut junk food but run (and exercise) more frequently as she’s always recommended to me since we met), etc. Even she sometimes but really complained why I’m doing the workout harder and getting slim. Also, she then includes this comments, “Do you like a man? You sometimes act like that way.” What a crap!

Anyway, I feel so bad about this situation and now consider about the worst case… seperation… But, the kids… We both are christians, so I often payed to God “Help!” I want to overcome this kind of situation cleverly and wisely if I can instead of going to the bad situation. If you have any valueable comments/ideas to fix our marriage, please do so. I will appreciate it.

Cherie

October 24th, 2012 at
6:48 AM

I’m glad found this site. I have known my husband for 7yrs and married for 5. From the time we were dating, he was already yelling. First time I took him to meet my family, we stayed for 3 weeks and in that time he would yell at me in front of them. After this holiday I sought of pulled away from him but we did get back together and he proposed end of that year and we got married. There is no single holiday we’ve been to without him tainting it with his yelling. He yells at me in front of our kids, house help, guests… now we have children and he is yelling at my sons, even my 13 month old baby. It breaks my heart. My friends have observed it and some even saw him hold me forcefully in public. Friends are concerned, my family won’t say anything because I chose him. Everytime he yells, I shut down and withdraw to a point where I don’t feel any love for him anymore. I feel that I actually resent him. What has made it really bad is my children. I recently asked him which of his parents used to yell at him and he told me it was his mother. I hate his parents so much because they raised him like that. I do not want any child of mine to turn out like him. I’m here because I’m on the verge of asking for a divorce. I just don’t feel like I can remain in this marriage. He’s just hurt me so much. The last straw was when he shouted at me in front of the kids and a visiting relative. I tried to answer and he shouted at me to shut up. My 3 1/2 son was shouting at him to stop yelling at me. My son always takes my side each time my husband screams. When I try to tell him that yelling is wrong, he says it’s my fault or he tries to shift blame. I take care of my children from their food, health and clothing. When I ask my husband even for simple present on my birthday he yells at me that I sound materialistic. Well I can buy whatever I want so now I stopped. I never expect anything from him. I don’t care what he earns despite the fact that I helped him set up his Consultancy Firm. Recently we were in the mall together, he picked things for himself and I went to pick things for the kids and for myself. He went and paid about $500 for his stuff and let me pay the bill for myself and the boys. For me this was the ultimate selfishness. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to fall into the materialistic topic again. Please advice because I have no idea what to do. I have a good job and can take care of myself and my kids but I did not sign up for marriage only to divorce 5 years later. But I also will not remain in a marriage that is killing me internally and risks destroying my children. Thank you,

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

October 24th, 2012 at
2:57 PM

Cherie,

I’m glad you reached out, and while I am tempted to leave you a long response, I think it’s more appropriate to leave you a short one, to the point. First, no, you do not have live with what sounds like derisive yelling. Second, the antidote in not necessarily divorce. Third, find a seasoned marital counselor and go. DO NOT beg or try to force your husband to go with you. Instead, set up the appointment, and invite him. If he says no. fine, go without him. Continue to go and have the counselor help you make non-codependent alterations to your behavior. At some point, it will become clear to you whether or not you can stay in the marriage in a healthy way.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

Heather

July 22nd, 2016 at
10:37 PM

Hi!
Unlike most comments…my husband of 2.5 years and father of my 3 year old is the yeller. He throws fits too. He is 32. He makes me feel horrible, scares our 3 year old and my 13 and 16 year old feel they can do nothing right. He acts like a spoiled brat. I never yell. I never raise my voice due to years of counseling after a verbal/abusive relationship.
In past 8 months I have left MY own house we live in and stayed at a hotel with my kids 4 times.
It is random things that set him off yelling.
-“the losers should know after 4 times to hook the washer and dryer back the right way duh” and on and on slamming things and berating these 4 workers fixing walls and so on after flood.
-I just broke my ankle after falling carrying my daughter down stairs 3 days ago and he told me tonight I was too slow going up our stairs to see why our 3 year old was crying when most times he sits on butt. BTW- he just yelled at her and my other daughter for using make up causing her to poke her eye with a make up brush. As a mom with her 24/7 I knew she wasn’t dying.
-Loves to yell and get my 16 year old going because we’ll let’s see- he doesn’t want to play football, work where he wants him too, didn’t pass driving test first time, sleeps past 9 am now it is summer, isn’t studying anything for next school year, and has an ugly gf?!?!?!?!?! Appalled.
I am hurt. I am pissed. I am planning to leave but need the cash to get a place and I tall to him calmly and tell him his yelling needs to stop, he is hurting me and saying things he can not ever take back and my kids are great kids who DO NOT deserve this.
Advice on how when he is revving up for his epic fit throwing to deal with? He wonders why I want nothing to do with him as a partner uhhhh because he acts like a jerk and a spoiled yeller. I walk on egg shells.
My parents where yellers. I swore I never would be. And I haven’t and I can not allow my husband to be!!!

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

July 24th, 2016 at
8:12 AM

Hi, Heather,

Your decision to save the cash and leave sounds like an appropriate decision. There is nothing you can do to stop your husband from yelling. He is the only one who can control that–once he decides he want s to take responsibility for it. Be sure that prior to taking any specific action on leaving you seek legal advise from a family law attorney.

Bill Dubbu

Emily

January 20th, 2013 at
4:09 PM

This is my mom to a T. I mean, this definitely has given me some insight as to why she might be acting the way that she sometimes does. Still, though, it could be a number of things. I’ll try out these new techniques and see what comes of them. Thanks for the help!

shruti

January 22nd, 2013 at
8:15 PM

i am so tired of husband geting anger fits where he throws things around wen he gets angry for a really stupid reason. He would scream his lungs out and start abusing his life also threaten me that if i don’t live the way he wants me to he would divorce me. This threat is so that i get scared and do what he likes. But i cant deal with it anymore at all. we had a love marriage two years ago and now my feelings have started to fade. what should i do feel its better not to talk to him and stay away because if i talk to him about this then his screaming episode begins again.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

January 23rd, 2013 at
7:05 AM

Shruti,

You really have your hands full in your situation. I think the next step for you is to find a counselor who understands relationship dynamics, invite (do not ask) your husband to go with you. If he refuses, go by yourself.

Andrea

February 25th, 2013 at
5:51 AM

its not always about sitting down to talk about something that starts the yelling, on my part. we don’t have a problem discussing things calmly. we know what starts the yelling and we know that he sits there with his head down or he stares blankly at me and says things like ‘I’m listening’. we also know that I cry and apologize after the yelling with lots of self loathing. he knows that many times, yes it is his fault.

the main think is yes I know the yelling is getting me no where fast. we also know that he is trying to do better on his part, by actually listening.

its me that is the problem and I don’t seem to have an off button.

We love each other very much and have only been together two years…so you see my problem. I hope.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

February 25th, 2013 at
9:44 AM

Andrea,

I THINK I see the problem…it sounds as though you are telling me that of the two of you, that you tend to yell more than he does. Try this: Ask him to take on the role of a curious, dispassionate observer who wants to understand you.

Have him ask you questions that further his and your understanding of what triggers your yelling. He only asks questions–he does NOT provide commentary, editorial or judgement!

He can center his inquiry around three basic lines: What you think, what you feel, and what you do. Then he recaps what he heard, and asks another question.

Try this, and see how it goes. If you still have trouble, perhaps we can Skype and maybe I can help you break the pattern.

Mrs. Gaines

March 25th, 2013 at
2:32 PM

I’m in need of steps to take before my reactions get the best of me. My husband tells me it’s either a divorce or the yelling goes. I’m come from a vocal family and sometimes I do not mean any harm when I’m at the top of my voice. Everything I had in me was released out of pain and I cried for hours. My husband is like a waffle and I’m like a noodle, weak and emotional. I never thought in a lifetime my husband would mention a divorce and it literally broke my heart. Screaming to him is a sign of disrespect. I will have to admit that it has gotten physical a couple of times and I believe he is at his breaking point. I’m walking on egg shells and terribly horrified of losing my soul mate on something that can be fixed but HOW??? PLEASE HELP.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

Clearly, the need for counseling is long overdue. Your reactions have already gotten the best of you in the form of your husband telling you either the yelling goes, or, he goes.

If you want to stop walking on eggs, and you wish to preserve your marriage, go to counseling–NOW! But more than anything, counseling will help you discover other ways of managing that which is propelling you in to the reactivity that leads to the yelling.

Mark

June 29th, 2013 at
10:56 PM

I am 54 and a yeller. I learned it from my parents and other adults as I was growing up. My brother and sister exhibit the same behavior. It is a learned behavior, which means it can be unlearned and replaced with appropriate behavior. But I am on the verge of losing my wife, the most wonderful person in the world, because of my yelling. I don’t do it all that often, but when I do, it’s bad. The inspiration to get myself back under control is losing my wife, and the realization of how pathetic yellers are. I am just worried I won’t be able to convince her that I understand the problem and am capable of correcting it.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

July 3rd, 2013 at
7:54 AM

Mark, don’t even TRY to convince her. Instead, get in to counseling, begin to find alternative ways to behave that build trust, and stop yelling. Understand how to effectively replace the yelling. Yelling (and hitting, too) are what we do when we feel helpless, and feel like we have no other alternative. You have lost her trust, and building trust back in to the relationship is what will “convince” her, so to speak. Hopefully, it is not too late. If she leaves it will be because she no longer can trust that you are safe.

A Psycho

August 6th, 2013 at
11:24 AM

I am reading this article, comments and crying my eyes out. I am 31, I have two kids (6 and 4) an very loving and amazing husband with a patience that could hold the world and I am a crazy psycho yeller. Last night I yelled at him because he asked me to repeat something that I said. I flew off the handle, because I feel like he never hears what I said, and always asks me to repeat stuff. I have a foreign accent and take it very personal when people do not understand me. The reason I take it so personal, is because I think people who don’t understand – pretend, and want to give me hard time. I have lived in the US for 15 years and have an accomplished career, and not once at my work, or anywhere professionally I have been told to repeat something, or explain myself due to an accent… So yesterday I took it personal, yet again, and yelled. This is not the first time ofcourse. I feel like it’s getting worse. We have been married for 8 years now and together for 13, i feel like his patience will wear thin soon and he will kick me out. I yell at the kids too. But I realized that, and honest to God trying my best not to yell, and I think I am succeeding. But with my husband… He told me that something is wrong with me and I need to fix it. I just don’t think that any pills will help. I am normal otherwise, or so I think. And I have a girlfriend who is a yelled like me, and we talk about it sometimes. And we consider ourselves lucky to have men like we do. But I just wish I could put an end to this psycho yelling. My grandma was a psycho yeller like me. I grew up being yelled at, and she yelled at everyone in the house. And she hit us too. I wonder if that environment made an irreparable damage to me. I don’t want my daughters to be psychos like that. I don’t know why I am writing this here.

Christine

August 7th, 2013 at
1:07 AM

I never realized how big of an impact my dad’s yelling had on me until tonight.

When my brother and I were kids, he would get mad at us an yell at us in that no-fury-barred kind of way. He would never get physical and really rarely use names like lazy, but he would get so incredibly mad over little stuff… I know this was an issue for my mom as well because he would yell at her too. It has always made her unhappy, but she was a legal alien and stay at home mom, so I know she probably stayed with him in the end for immigration and financial reasons.

Now at 22, I am staying at home for a few months and he yelled at me tonight basically unprovoked over how my brother and I fought when we were young teenagers. I have to wonder if he even realizes that it upsets me, or if he was trying to joke and got accidentally lit up by remembering how mad it used to make him.

I reverted back into feeling like a helpless child and tried ignore it and have a conversation with my amazing boyfriend, while really I was upset and silently cried on and off for the hour plus phone convo. It is really unreasonable for me to get that upset over something so meaningless, which is hard for me because I consider myself very logical. This is why I think that being yelled at so frequently as a teenager had more of an effect on me than I realized-I can’t control my reaction.

When I was a kid if I tried to argue back logically, it just made things worse, so I would go cry in my room and think about all the apt things I should/could have said while imagining both his likely response to them, and a response where he would realize that he was being unreasonable. I wish that at my age and state of maturity, he didn’t have the power to send me back there by just opening his mouth.

And I can imagine that suggesting he see a therapist would make him very angry and personally offended. But it might save my parents relationship at this point, though it’s not their only issue. I have forgiven him or being, as I have sometimes phrased it ‘kind of a dick’, because he is still a good man and supports and loves us, though he is not the most outwardly affectionate person. However, if the yelling starts up again, it might make it hard to move on with him in post-college new leaf relationship we have going. I mostly just don’t want to do this to my future kids, but am afraid I might revert to it naturally…

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

August 7th, 2013 at
12:44 PM

Psycho, this response is for you:

Find a counselor, and learn how to understand how the brain works. That will help you devise strategies for managing your reactivity more effectively.
Next, take some time to explore with a therapist some of the familial roots that might connect with your yelling. More importantly, invite your husband in to some couple counseling with you. After all, when either partner is trying to make difficult changes, it can be easier if you work as a team, and there are specific ways you can each operate to help build that team approach.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

August 7th, 2013 at
2:58 PM

Christine,

Your story is a very familiar one, and my heart goes out to you. The reason your logic doesn’t help you feel better when you hear yelling is because emotional states don’t usually respond to logical interventions.

In the short and long term, you would benefit from therapy regardless of what your father does. With counseling, you can develop a way to not let him trigger you, which will benefit you in more ways than I can describe here.

Your father may always possess the power to trigger you, but you possess the power to find effective ways to manage your reactions and responses to his yelling that will leave you feeling balanced and much happier, where you won’t dissolve to tears and sadness.

If you have any questions about that, feel free to email me, and I will be happy to respond to you.

Still young

October 17th, 2013 at
12:26 AM

I’m 22 years old and this article just helped me understand some of my inappropriate communication methods and I’m hoping that it is not too late for me to change.

I realized at a fairly young age that my father was an alcoholic. He was frequently very verbally and emotionally abusive, although rarely physical. My mother yelled very often as well. I remember dreading every soccer game I went to in 5th grade, because the entire car ride home would consists of my parents yelling at me the whole way home.

As I got older my dads verbal abusive got much worse. The language was sometimes very strong and he would call me things along the lines of “a miserable f***ing piece of…” You get the idea. When he would yell at my mother, I’d yell back and try to tell him not to say those things to her, and was usually told to shut up. Later my mother would tell me that I push his buttons and stress him out, so I was often confused where the fault layed.

My parents are great people, they really are. I am quite close to them. My dad is a great person when he’s not drinking, and my mother is wonderful when she’s not stressed. Being away from home really makes the relationship easier.

The problem now is that I’m dating a really great guy and I am seeing irrational behavior surface in myself. In the past I never quite understood why my relationships consisted of so much fighting when, usually, the guy I’m with is a fairly nonconfrontational, sweet guy. My boyfriend of about two years now is about 4 years older than me which brings a bit more maturity. His parents are also very kind and have always tried their best to speak to him in a careful, rational way, or so it would seem from witnessing their interaction and listening to the way he speaks about them and to me. He is caring and thoughtful and knows about some of my past events. He has told me that as long as I’m always working hard to be a good person and trying, we can work through our communication issues. Tonight he made a joke that in the past has bothered me on a few different occasions and I snapped a little, saying that surely by now he knows that it’s not funny and why does he keep jabbing at me? When he kindly apologized, I stayed pent up and angry, saying I appreciate his apology but we’ve been through this and he’s just going to do it again. He asked if something comes up that bothers me, could I just ask that we not talk about it instead of getting upset.

It hurt me so much to see him feel the same way I felt as a kid. Hurt and trying to rationalize when I didn’t deserve harsh words, only to be continually shut down. Lately I’m starting to see a lot of the issues may have come from my learned behavior. Is there any text or advice out there for a younger generation? I don’t want to wait until I’m yelling at children or a husband irrationally, or until he possibly resents me for my poor behavior. I want to treat him in the same kind way he treats me.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

Wow, the pain, frustration and fear really come through loud and clear in your post, and I thank you for taking the risk to be so revealing, honest and authentic in describing your struggle.

I think you accurately have determined where you need to put your effort: That is, how to not let your past have a negative impact on your future intimate relationships.

I wish I could wave a wand and change the tide of your past, but we both know that will not occur. So, I suggest that you and your partner find a seasoned relationship therapist and begin addressing this as a couple. That might seem counter-intuitive, but actually it will be more helpful in the long term.

When there might be times the therapist wants to see either of you individually, then that should be permissible as well. You have done well to be so insightful ant such a young age, and now you can further your growth by getting in to therapy.

If you wish to tell me in which community you live, feel free to send me an email, and I just might be able to refer you to a therapist. In the mean time, I wish you well, and support your efforts to achieve the happiness you so much deserve.

Daddaddaddaddad

November 5th, 2013 at
1:32 AM

My wife and I have 2 kids under 2, she’s always been a shouter (and worse) but recently after returning the work the shouting has increased.

Every morning she gets up (generally late) and then as soon as she sees me starts shouting about some perceived problem. Ranging from that she can’t find her shoes, the alledged untidiness of the house or if I drive her to the station a general bombastic criticism if my driving (and life in general). The shouting is all peppered with swearing and threats. As well as observations on my life “you f**k everything up, you little ****” or that I am unsuitable to look after our kids (I stay at home with them) Often events are made up or exaggerated for effect.

When she gets on the train or in the car she will then message until she gets the required apology from me. She will then deny any shouting or swearing took place and that I have made it up.

As you may anticipate this pattern of behaviour repeats for an hour when she returns from work.

My main concern is that the kids see this behaviour day in day out and it must be creating a perception of us both

Pomegranate

November 27th, 2013 at
10:47 AM

I am waiting gor an answer to this because I’m in a similar situation. My partnrr grew up in an abusive household, and shows many characteristics of both of her parents. My family were yellers, too, but not nearly to thiz extreme.

My partner yells at and berates me in front of our two-year-old. She has yelled at him on occasion, as well. She acknowledges that she has anger issues, but does nothing to change her behavior. I am not prepared to leave, at least not yet, but I am scared to watch my children grow up seeing this behavior.

J

November 13th, 2013 at
7:31 PM

One thing I wonder is where screaming “around” your partner falls on the abuse spectrum. My live-in partner of 7 years can’t seem to stop yelling and screaming. Generally it is at inanimate objects or pets rather than at me, but there are certainly times where it’s pretty clearly about me but at other things (and I’m also pretty sure it’s also meant for me to hear).

Generally speaking, I retreat into Flight mode when the screaming starts. When I have asked for the yelling or screaming to stop, I am generally told either that the behavior is acceptable because it’s not “AT” people, or that it is justified because of tiredness or “everything being terrible.” At this point, Flight mode is the default setting for when yelling begins, because nothing I’ve tried to say about it seems to make a difference. I also worry because I really don’t know if this screaming pattern is a sign of other things to come, or if he is right, and the screaming is “okay” if it’s not directly at me. I also worry about what kind of noise a child would be subjected to in such an environment.

I have to wonder if the problem is me, because most articles are about yelling and screaming AT people, not AROUND them, with hints of it still being their fault.

Sara

November 22nd, 2013 at
6:02 AM

Hi there,
There is nothing wrong with feeling afraid even if your partner is not directing his anger at you. This form of aggression is known as implied violence and is designed to make you fearful. In others words, his behavior is saying, “look what I am capable of, I can do this to you and you should be afraid”. It’s still abusive.
Good luck.

anonymous

February 8th, 2019 at
11:30 AM

I’m so sorry you are experiencing that, or were. It’s been several years, so I hope that something has changed for you in that time. I could have written your experiences myself. I’m only just now coming to equate this with abuse.

Lily

E

November 17th, 2013 at
5:47 AM

Thank you so much for the article. I am 35 and working freelance and have been with my partner for 14 years. I come from a family where we never yell at each other, and where my parents and sibling are logical, compassionate and have great respect for each other. However, my partner is from a totally different household, in which everyone always yelled and shouted at each other. His father was the sole breadwinner, and was verbally very abusive, intimidating, arrogant, physically powerful, and exerted punishments which were quite humiliating and demeaning when his kids misbehaved.

Now that my partner is a grown man I felt he had become similar to his father. He didn’t feel the way his family behaved was unhealthy, rather he slated how my family seemed ‘fake’ because we were polite and tried our best to be respectful and appreciative towards each other. He has learnt to deal with frustration by yelling at and humiliating those he felt let him down, or challenges him, or disrespected him, etc. He is now the main breadwinner at his family as his dad had lost his business and was declared bankrupt quite some time ago. My partner is quite a capable person professionally, but he felt stressed and bitter because he felt everyone around him is a let down and not capable. He yelled at his dad, his mum, his sister, and me. I can’t recall how many times he felt our conversation or my tone of voice got on his nerve or my showing doubt or being unhappy about his decisions ‘disrespected him’, where he would yell at me, be it in private or at full blast in full public view. On crowded streets, in front of mutual friends, in front of his family, etc. He sometimes start swearing at me, and sometimes threw things around. He reasoned that it was not because he had lost control. To the contrary, it was because he purposely wanted to punish me and let me feel humiliated. In short, I deserve it because I misbehaved. If I cry, yelling will get worse because he felt I don’t feel remorse and is showing sign of challenge. If I attempt to calm him down, I get yelled at more. And seldom would he apologise afterwards because he felt he behaved correctly.

We have been long term partners and apart from this yelling / anger management issue he has, he is generally a very decent and loyal fellow and can be very loving, generous and kind. We are going to be married soon and, although I love this person deeply and I acknowledge his love for me, I have doubts about this relationship because I felt he cannot see why the way he handled his frustration is damaging to us. I had no idea how to deal with a yeller as it’s never a part of my own family, but I have been finding ways to better understand and help him deal with his problem. We have spoken many times at length about this but he mostly felt that it’s my fault because he felt I am not competent enough that is putting pressure on him in life (which I don’t really agree with as I earn my own living working freelance while taking care of our household…but he said I should have been much more in life), or that I have a ‘sharp mouth’ which ‘does not know when to shut up’. He said that his yelling episodes were all triggered by me, so they most certainly would be my fault and were definitely preventable had I not been a nuisance. I agree I am not always perfect and blameless, but I felt that he has some serious issues which he doesn’t acknowledge at all. I don’t know how to get through to him if he doesn’t feel he needed to change… I wanted him to read this article too but he felt all these are just emotional mumbo jumbo. I am feeling so incredibly frustrated and tired.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

November 18th, 2013 at
12:58 PM

Hi, E,

All I can tell you is that a marriage to a person who is as you describe your future husband will be a long and painful marriage. However, rather than telling him he has to stop yelling or you won’t marry him, instead invite him to go to premarital counseling with you, and begin to discuss the topic there, in a safe, facilitated environment. Let me know how it goes.

Hilda

November 22nd, 2013 at
9:26 AM

You have a sharp mouth and don’t know when to shut up? and you’re not competent enough? If that’s not abusive, I don’t know what is. This is not okay. I realize these are difficult and trying moments for him, but that’s no excuse to treat those around him like this. I would be honest about the way this makes you feel. Offer to go to couples counseling BEFORE you get married. If things don’t improve or if he refuses to go, then you have to really question what you are willing to live with because this is only going to get worse. Think about what YOU need out of the relationship and your household together. Is this going to meet your needs in the long run?

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

November 27th, 2013 at
3:09 PM

Pomegranate,

There are no easy answers, nor quick fixes, when it comes to chronic yelling. If there were, we would not be paying so much attention to yelling. But, because it is typically a pattern, breaking patterns of any type is usually something that takes persistence, a methodical approach, and often the help of other people, such as counselors who are trained to help break or change patterns. Try getting the help of a therapist, with or without your partner address the issue in a focused manner.

Calen

March 28th, 2014 at
3:26 AM

I can’t stop yelling at nearly everyone except my children. I have yelled at my kids in the past, too much so. When I realized what I had done, that I had broken a promise to myself not to do to mine what had been done to me, I loathed myself enough to stop yelling at them. But, I can’t seem to hold back when I’m dealing with just about anyone else, especially the cable company, the phone company, incompetent people, etc.

It’s a sad, bitter irony that no one in the Behavioral Health Care field can deal with anyone with emotional problems. The psychiatrist who just dropped me for being too angry, agrees about that. So, no more meds for me. I’m too broken to be helped.

I’ve been looking for well over a year for a therapist, but no one helps with the leftovers of violent childhood. No one helps with C-PTSD. (Complex and/or Chronic PTSD) I was violently abused, both physically and emotionally, both at home and at school, most of my childhood, until I ran away from home.

What’s a person to do? I can’t give up or else I die, but I can’t find any help, either. So, I’m left to just flail around trying to figure out how to help myself. But, I’m too broken and worthless to be helped. I feel I’ve reached the limit of self-help, but I’m still way beyond where Behavioral Health Care starts. How does one bridge that gap?

Last resorter

March 30th, 2014 at
5:20 AM

My mother(43) is a yeller. From when I was 6 my sister(15) and I(18) have listened to my mother yell and dig at my dad(40), about various perceived problems in his behaviour and her life, daily. On rarer occasions (probably once every two months) there would be an argument so loud and aggressive that mum and dad would scream and swear at each other while me and my sister would be upstairs trying to blur it out with headphones and hide under the duvet covers until dad would walk out. There have been 3 occasions when this has become so bad that they have spilt for 6 months at a time. Mum never drops an argument. Ever.

I think this behaviour has now rubbed off on my sister as she seems to have no respect for anyone in the family and her default is to shout and answer back which has caused EXTREME amounts of tension in the family over the past 5years. Now that there are two yellers in our house it has become a constant war zone whereby no one can now seem to hold a normal conversation without feeling personally attacked by a comment or action. I’m now scared this behaviours is rubbing off on me too as I used to stay out of the arguments but recently I have been “interfering” which I see this a being helpful and trying stop the argument before it starts but now everyone bites at me too.

My mother is saying that she cannot cope with having two disrespectful, unappreciative children and doesn’t want to be close to us. My dad wants out and my sister is becoming increasingly disruptive which is having an effect on her schooling.

It is Mother’s Day today and it has been the usual routine, now no one is talking. The situation is making everyone depressed angry and to an extent resentful of their lives with each other and I need to know how to deal with this because my family is being torn apart by friction. Please help! I’ve tried reasoning, ignoring, suggesting counselling. Everything!

Carey M

April 2nd, 2014 at
7:01 PM

I feel helpless,, my now wife is a yeller and name caller, and she was before we were married and it drove me crazy, but I saw the nice person who I fell in love with, that’s why I married her.
We have two young boys, 3 and 1 and it makes me sick to my stomach bc she gets so angry over so little and yells at me and says some really nasty things, while holding our youngest and in front of both of them. I try to tell her that this time is not appropriate and she yells more, still with children right there. I try to show her websites of the damage that can be done to our children from her behaviors, then she keeps yelling, even right now,, our children are both sleeping, and she name calling and ‘yelling’ messages to me on facebook.
When she was younger, her father, who I only know as a nice guy was abusive, she has scars from being pushed around,, I don’t know much bc she doesn’t talk about things, but I know all of this stems from her childhood. I barely remember my parents argue,, only a few occasions, but when I was 13, they got a divorce.
I called for counseling, but she stresses that I need the help, I am the loser, I have the problems, I start the fights, it’s all me, I have never done anything right…. and so on. She tries to get me very angry, says things that are just nasty, and I don’t get it?
She can call me every name in the book, I don’t care, but when she yells, and name calls, and behaves inappropriately in front of our children, and while holding our youngest, that’s not cool!!
This isn’t the first time, she freaked out while holding our first child, I called the police, I called counselors, in need for help, but she played the victim and me the villain,,, it’s not cool!!

Sherry Ray-Von

April 6th, 2014 at
9:43 AM

That will not change.I would get out while you can. Before you have become a robotic person. My step father had become a non existent person. He had no opinions and if he says anything he begins the sentence with “your mother knows” I looked up yelling just now because my mother has yelled my whole life and im 52 and I am sick and tired of it. Its like I’m a punching bag. She yells at me for things my adult sisters do. And when she does I calmly say, please you need to tell them how you feel. And when she tells at me it’s usually for a mistake she has made. I’m not saying I don’t make mistakes but at het house when I’m with her . I’m not allowed to have an opinion or a knowledgeable comment. If I do , no matter what even if it’s about my taste. I am cut down chewed out and told I do not know what I’m taking about. She is narcissistic and 80 . I’m not you . But this doesn’t change unless they want it to. My mother has never apologised for yelling at me and absolutely never re organizes my knowledge. She will say that she knew it first . Not true. She less almost everything she speaks.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

April 3rd, 2014 at
10:18 AM

Carey,

If you can, find a counselor in your vicinity who can help you manage your situation, even if your wife does not want to go with you to counseling. Schedule a session with a therapist who understands couples, and make an appointment. Tell your wife the time and date, and let her know she is invited, and that it’s her decision. Do not try to talk her in to going; do not argue with her about whether or not she decides to go; do not let her talk you out of going. Simply leave it up to her as to whether or not she attends the meeting. Go and get some support and coping strategies for yourself. Let me know how it develops.

Denise

April 23rd, 2014 at
4:46 PM

Well, come to find out my boyfriend was severely abused and appears to have ptsd and bpd traits and I am the only person he has told about his past and when it came out it was in a yelling episode. In the short time we have been together I have been yelled at way too much and now I am trying to get him help. After the recent and last episode when I was still unable to really feel well (24 hours later)he just could not understand why I could not get over it because “that happened 24 hours ago.” He does admit he needs counseling and I have talked with him about triggers as well as the ptsd. I did not know he has suicidal thoughts until I went to a business meeting which involved another male. Since then I have been told I will be on the top of the suicide note list. He then cries and cries and just reminds me of a small boy and I really want him to get help. He has mentioned more than once that he will get counseling and so on. I fell sort of in shock. He was not only raped as a child but he was yelled and verbally abused by his step father and mother for years. Those of you who are parents and are getting help and/or trying to change, bless your hearts. I grew up in a yelling/abusive household and worked much on my own life and peace of mind after working through anger and so on. Now before me is a beautiful, sad and damaged man who loves so strongly and has so much potential but he has been homeless and almost breaks down everyday. I hope he can work through it and I am so sorry our society is filled with such abuse. Lastly, hang in there…I’m trying to.

Paul H

April 29th, 2014 at
11:17 AM

I’ve read many of these comments described here and although i feel each is skewed in favour of the poster, it has given me an introspective view of my behaviour….

but how do you control an emotional response? I do yell at my boy (2) and i have guilt about it afterwards as i know in in the wrong. But when i yell at my partner its usually because when she gets a bee in her bonnet she becomes very passive/aggressive and don’t let things drop. And when it comes to her son (7) i I generally only yell after being ignored for the twentieth time…. I know its not the correct solution but aside from a bit of yelling i am a good man and try hard as a father and partner. I’m not justifying yelling but I feel it can be unavoidable when frustration builds up.

However I know my behaviour will never escalate to physical abuse, I watched my mum get beat by my stepdad as a child. I wouldn’t ever consider so much as raising a hand to either my kids or my partner… But the question is how do you override emotional response?

me2

May 1st, 2014 at
8:08 PM

My wife is a constant yeller. She mainly yells at our two boys ages 6 & 4. Her expectations of them are unreasonable and she screams at the smallest sign of non compliance. An example of this would be something like they got up from the table before finishing all their food or leaving their shoes out in the hallway. I literally carry a pair of earplugs with me in the house or if we go out. There is no way to stop it and I’m saddened that I feel like leaving an abandoning the kids to face her alone.

Doc

May 7th, 2014 at
8:33 AM

Hi.
I need help.
I just can’t control myself, my emotions. When I’m skyping with my dad and he asks questions, I answer him in a yelling way. I hate doing it and I want to change, but when I’m in the situation it turns out that I always lose my control. Please help me. I hate myself for doing those things… :(

Matthew p.

October 8th, 2014 at
2:39 PM

I used to do that to my dad sometimes he is gone now and I think about it a lot sometimes parents ask questions that seem nosy but really they are just interested in what you are doing. Be open with your parents they are the two people you can trust and won’t be around forever

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

May 19th, 2014 at
10:58 AM

For me2 & Doc,

Both of you are sealing with the the problem of yelling from opposite side of the same coin. There is no solution I can offer in a blog to respective difficulties, both of which are very painful. However, I strongly encourage both of you seek professionally counseling, and do it now. The problem you both face is complex, and specific to your personal situation.

Amber

May 24th, 2014 at
7:54 AM

I am a twenty nine year old stay at hone mom. I was born and raises in Ny. Came to Alabama on vacation and loved it. My cousin and i decided we wanted to kove here, so we did. After the first yr she went home. I had already started a relationship so i stayed. Two years later i was pregnant. After i got pregnant my boyfriend changed started talking to other women. He left me in the hospital alone he two days i was there after having my daughter. The night she was born he went out to the club. At eight weeks old he was screaming at her for crying telling her to ahut the fu@# up. Ata month old he asked if we can just give her away, to which i told him where she goes i go. She is now three and he barley spends any time with her the time he does spend with her he is constantly yelling at her or spanking her or threatenig to spank her. She wants nothing to do with him. Ive tries talking to him about it. Yelling at him. Nothing works. He is ocd and is constantly on me about something. Im nervous as sooas he comes home because i know he will find something to get on me about. I am ao unhappy. I feel stuck i am almost 1000 miles from my family and have noone here to help me. Anytime i need so ehing i have to ask him for money abd give him a recipet. When he gets mad he will tell me for example im jot gonna buy you another pack of pity cigarettes. He woke me up one morning and told me he wanted me out told me to go to NY and live with my mother but also said your not taking our daughter. He has never helped me with and has only spent at most four hours alone with her since she was born. I recently had an issue with the birth control mirena. My stomach is really bad it hurts me to have intercourse, he gets so angry about it he yells at me. He trys to pressure me into having sex. Then when i say jo he tells me i dont love him, or that i make hi. Feel like less of a man. I am so tired of crying and so tired of veing unhappy. I just dont known what to do. His family has moneynmine doesnt and im scared if i leave he will get a good lawyer while i cant afford one and will get custody of my angel. I cant let that happen. I was going to ve admitted to the hospital for my stomach and refused because i didnt want her to be left alone with her he hasnt beat her.. he is very hard on her butbi dont know what would happen if i wasnt here. I feel so alone with noi e to talk to noobe to help. Hes never made bottles or gotten up in the middle of the night. Never given her a bath or washed her clothes. Never taken her to daycare or the dr. The obly thing he does is buy things she needs and most of the time his mother is the one buying what she needs. I feel trapped i dont have a babysitter ao i cant work. I need some advice on what i should do.

RAA

June 5th, 2014 at
7:51 PM

Hi,

My partner (26) yells at me constantly, over what I think are quite minor issues – certainly not worth getting that angry over.

Last night we had a huge fight and she yelled so much I thought her lungs would explode. She punched the dashboard of my car really hard, pulled the hand-break twice while I was driving. I parked the car and got out and said, “I’m not going to get back into the car until you stop yelling at me” and it made no difference, she continued to yell. She then got into the driver’s seat and tried to drive away from me with the door still open – she almost drove over my feet. She had no understanding of why what she was doing was wrong. After about 50 minutes of yelling and me asking her to lower her voice, I said, “I shouldn’t have to ask my partner to stop yelling at me. You should respect me enough not to do it in the first place,” and she called me a “princess” and suggested I was being completely unreasonable and that it was my fault for making her angry.

All this over a minor miscommunication – I came home from work to find her resting in bed. I got in with her and said I wanted to nap for 20 minutes before we had to go out and she accused me of not wanting to spend time with her and then suggested I didn’t communicate properly that I wanted to rest.

I’m at my wit’s end and feel like my self-esteem is at an all-time low.

D W

June 29th, 2014 at
5:37 AM

So sorry you are experiencing this. You handled it so well….staying calm instead of engaging an obviously counter productive situation. Your partner sounds like she is unwilling to take any responsibility for her actions and inactions. I think a break is in order. Treasure yourself. The energy of her anger is draining you. As you distance yourself surround yourself with positive support. Best wishes to you. ♡

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

June 6th, 2014 at
10:01 AM

I suspect your self esteem is low not only because of how she treats you, but more importantly as a result of not doing for yourself what you need to do take care of yourself in response to your partner’s angry and explosive outbursts. While I cannot tell you what to do, I will say that as long as you stay in any type of unhealthy environment, the worse you are going to feel. I suggest that you and your partner get in to counseling asap. If she does not want to go with you, go by yourself. Try to remember: you may share some responsibility in triggering her anger, but you share absolutely no responsibility in the way she exhibits and expresses her anger. That’s on her.

Lady khal

June 30th, 2014 at
10:25 PM

My father is a fault finding, nothing-was-ever-good-enough emotional abuser. I used to walk in his house & he’d find something wrong with me. I was sick as a teenager and he blamed my brother’s abandonment issues &poor life choices on me. His exact words, “if you hadn’t been so needy, maybe your mother could have spent time with your brother.” I was a scared teen fighting a brain tumor. When i graduated college he told me it took me too long and a simple B.A. degree was worthless without a Masters degree. I put myself thousands of dollars in debt just in the hopes of hearing” IM PROUD OF YOU!” As a result of his emotional abuse, i have avoided relationships with men. I refuse to have kids cause i worried this pattern of abuse would continue. I have trouble with hearing constructive criticism. When a former boss used to find fault with my work i would respond by telling her whatever she wanted to hear even it was a lie.

My dad is elderly now & a day doesn’t go by where i react to some criticism he makes with yelling. When he opens his mouth i want to yell at him until I’m hoarse. My mother hates his guts. He lies and makes false promises. Screwed the family finances by not paying taxes. I walk in that house and i go on automatic “I’m sorry” mode. I hate my life and never feel good or worthy of the things i want in life. There are times i dream of the peace death will bring. I tried several times to tell him to stop treating me this way. I give it back to him now and it only makes me feel worse. If it wasnt for my mom i would kill myself and leave him to rot in the mess he made of his family. The man has no friends, his wife hates his guts, his son doesnt come around without incentives and he has broken my spirit.

Is it horrible to give your emotional abuser a taste of the s*** he has given to you? And do it by screaming at him?

The GoodTherapy.org Team

July 1st, 2014 at
8:56 AM

Thank you for your comment, Lady Khal. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

ark

July 9th, 2014 at
9:59 PM

DearJim
I am working on two levels one is controlling yelling on my son n dealing with yelling of my spouse. Is there any way this could be connected? Btw I did find ur article on yelling pretty helpful thank you.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

July 10th, 2014 at
8:42 AM

Ark,

They probably are connected–for sure, no one likes to be yelled at, including you and your son. When your spouse yells at you, you probably feel the same way your son feels when you yell at him. You also might be yelling at your son when you’re actually mad at your spouse for yelling at you.

Without knowing more details of your situation, those are all the guesses I am willing to make at the moment. Just keep up the good work of not yelling at anyone–especially your son.

helplessness

August 13th, 2014 at
5:21 PM

I’m the yeller and I take full blame that I’m the screw up. I’m the reason things are chaotic because I’m very spontaneous,due to having so many let downs from “plans”. My husband tell me stop yelling so I try and I usually end up crying instead to release my frustrations. But when I start crying he tells me “he doesn’t understand why it’s such big deal that now you’re crying” and “I just need to get over it”. I try to explain I feel helpless, unaccomplished,unproductive,and simply frustrated. Then he ask why, and I tell him because all I do is work and no fun,no hobbies, nothing. I work,clean,cook,take care of our daughter and animals. But I haven’t enjoyed life with the family. My daughter goes and play with her friends, my husband works out and does school and video games, and my FreeTime is tv or kindle for an hour or two. Then he says well what’s wrong with that? In my eyes everything! I don’t enjoy those activities,it just passes time. And that’s when the yelling starts. He tries to be helpful by naming things can do, but it’s usually housework or things we can’t afford or talent he KNOWS I don’t have. Before you know it the day is over and I’m left crying to myself with my kindle. Now only do I feel helpless and un-accomplished and unproductive, but miserable and alone to boot. Please any suggestions. I’m so tired of crying and yelling.

mj

helpless

August 21st, 2014 at
7:46 PM

My wife will tell me about her stressful day but with all her emotion and frustration coming out in her voice, facial expressions, and body language. She says she’s not yelling at me. But I feel like she is. There actually is no difference to me. I feel her anger and frankly since she is communicating to me I get all the normal physiological responses as when someone yells at me in anger. I ask her to just talk to me like she does with her sister or friends. Then she gets angry at me for real, although I can’t tell the difference. She doesn’t think she needs to change. There have been times when I have endured this for days at a time. Is she right? She’s not yelling at me because the source of her anger is someone else?

winevqa

August 25th, 2014 at
7:58 AM

My boyfriend yells at the TV constantly. We watch a lot of news. Every commentator is an a******, f***up or a fool. He yells and curses and yet does nothing to improve his small part of the world. I am very tired of listening to his angry and his choice to be angry about things beyond his control. It destroys my harmony totally, makes me lose respect for him and it makes me sad. Any thoughts?

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

August 27th, 2014 at
5:21 PM

Helpless,

First of all, you are not helpless. Second, I think she is yelling TO you, not AT you. My guess is that she knows she’s not mad at you. But, when you try to get her to stop yelling, you’re probably right–THEN she gets mad AT you. Try offering her a little empathy or compassion. You might find that helps you stay in the moment without getting so emotionally activated, and it just might help her shorten the yelling spree she’s on.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

August 27th, 2014 at
5:25 PM

Vinevqa,

Your boyfriend may have a problem with his negativity and his less than adequate manner of dealing with his disgust with the news stations. (Try NASCAR?) You, on the other hand, always have the option of not being with him, or, of you want to be with him, suggest counseling.

A

August 28th, 2014 at
7:30 AM

I’m preparing to leave my boyfriend next week because he has yelled or raised his voice at me nearly every single day since May 1. We had a long distance relationship for 1 year. We wanted to see if what we had was real, so we decided to move in together. I moved from VA to NYC to be with him, and boy, did I find out. The “real” him revealed itself in the first week.
He yells at me when I do annoying things, but I always feel like it’s an overreaction. He also yells at me when I’m just trying to help him: yesterday I was trying to write a resume for him, and he appeared to get upset when I asked him about the dates pertaining to his education. He throws fits and storms away from anything that is “difficult.”

I say he “appeared to get upset” because, after the arguments, he claims he never yelled nor raised his voice. Or, he’ll say he doesn’t remember the conversation altogether.

He’s impossible to please. For example, while driving, he’ll snap at me for merging into the left lane to pass a slow driver. Then, during that SAME TRIP, he’ll snap at me when I pump the breaks to slow down. He once SCREAMED at me when I asked him if I was taking the North exit or the South exit on the highway.

The way he reacts to me over simple things is the way I would react to someone if they did something violent towards me, or if someone tried to steal from me.

This is the third time I’ve “threatened” to leave him in 4 months, but it really is happening this time. Each time, when he realizes he’s losing me, he begins to act so nice.

The yelling is the only thing that’s wrong with our relationship, so he makes me feel like I’m weak because I can’t handle it. Well, I can’t handle it. His yelling reminds me of my father, which puts me in PTSD mode, and I freak out. My father, a yeller, has always terrified me.

My boyfriend always says things that imply that he believes I am stupid and lazy. Yeah, sure, I tend to be A LITTLE lazy sometimes, but I’m a hard worker. It’s just difficult to motivate myself to do things like jogging when I’m so depressed. I just want to lay in bed all day and cry.

This is the third time I’ve tried to live with a partner, with miserable failures and painful break ups each time. Why do I keep finding myself in this situation? I feel so dumb.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

August 28th, 2014 at
9:28 AM

A,

You asked the perfect question: “Why do I keep finding myself in this situation?” I encourage you to get in to counseling and get the answer to that question. You are in a pattern that needs to be altered, and it probably has to do with your emotional reactivity that has it’s roots in the emotional reactivity that started with your father’s yelling.

Begin breaking the pattern now–get in to counseling now, preferably with a therapist who understands the Bader-Pearson model, and I believe you will break the pattern, and learn how to not repeat this painful dynamic.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

helplessness

September 11th, 2014 at
10:03 AM

I think I can answer that. Can it be afforded, is there enough time in the week. It may not be fear of going to counseling, but more a fear as of how am I going to do it and where do you start looking.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

September 11th, 2014 at
12:03 PM

MJ,

There is a therapist search engine right here on GoodTherapy. Start there, find therapists in your community, begin making calls, and have phone interviews with therapists. That will help you narrow down your search. And you can also ask your friends–usually at least one of them has a recommendation.

N

September 14th, 2014 at
1:31 PM

I yell at my girlfriend every day about something. The way she drives, the way she says we’re gonna eat somewhere then goes about about this place? She takes forever to get ready, I am this close to getting a job, but in the meantime all I want to do is get out for a few hours; have a drink somewhere cool and quiet and instead I find myself going on trips to walmart and trader joes I HATE TRADER JOES, then we start arguing and I end up demanding she take me back to the house because “this is not what I wanted to do”. I love her, I really do, but My anger get’s the best of me.. But after I yell I can act so nice, until I get tripped up again. I don’t know what’s making me so accuising, abrasive, hostile towards a generally nice person. I really have no reason to. because at the end of the day I love her, I need her, and thankfully, every day is a new day.

cherry

October 1st, 2014 at
2:21 PM

I’m the same way with my husband. I feel so bad afterwards but pride won’t allow me to show it. I can’t began to discribe whats in me that is evoked that gets the best of me. I don’t know what to do… how to feel anymore or what to say? I know it must be confusing like hell for him. Were expecting his first child… i have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. But I’m beginning to think maybe this is me secretly telling myself I’m undeserving of this relationship and so I’m finding every little reason to push him away…. I’m also so confused…

BuffyM

September 18th, 2014 at
10:56 AM

Hi Dr. Jim,
I found this thread after searching for articles for when “my husband yells at my parents and disrespects them” after a very horrible evening. My husband is a yeller and he comes from a family that yells to solve problems. They yell at each other and swear and air all their grievances, then come back to each other and admit what they’ve done wrong and move on, but feel better that they “got the issue out in the open” and dealt with it. This is the opposite of how I grew up. We never raised our voices at each other and treated each other with respect and talked out differences. My husband feels we pushed problems aside and never dealt with them, instead would just wait a day and then move on without resolve underlying problems. He has a point – because there are things my mom would do that would really upset me , but I never confronted her for fear of her getting mad at me. I’m a people pleaser and never want to dissapoint my parents.

So, the current issue is that my husband thinks my mom doesn’t respect him because she makes comments or gets upset when he doesn’t act with manners she expects or acts the ways she wants him to. Like not saying good night or retreating to his room and not telling anyone.. or making an insinuation in a negative tone that he is leaving me alone on a holiday because he has to work and can’t come on a vacation. He feels these comments add up over time and he then says” if she doesn’t treat me with respect, I won’t respect her”. This attitude led to a blow out fight where he began yelling at my mom for the comment about the vacation which then skyrocketd to an hour of yelling, pacing and bringing in every example of how she disrespects him. It was horrible in every way and I knew that my parents were going to be in total shock that this is the man I married.

My mom was completely hurt, felt blindsided, yet my husband still won’t apologize because he feels like they need to also agree to not disrespect him. Everyone else in my family is the brunt of these types of criticisms and comments, but holds it in.. yet somehow my husband can’t just grin and bear it, and instead has to unleash serious yelling.

I don’t know if it is worth it to stay if we can’t have family visits without my husband screaming and yelling at my parents. My parents are good people, and even though my mom rubs people the wrong way with her nit-picky-ness and rude comments, she doesn’t deserve yelling. He does a good amount of yelling about all sorts of other things to, including when we argue together. He said he gets excited, express alot of emotion and he voice gets raised.. but that he is not yelling. I disagree.

We have gone off and on to counselors, and I think we are still FAR from resolving this. I believe he has serious anger control issues, but I don’t know if more counseling will ever be able to change him? Do I have hope or no?

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

October 1st, 2014 at
4:31 PM

Cherry,
I applaud you for considering that maybe some part of you might believe you are undeserving of a relationship in which you are loved and cherished. Take that thought, and your confusion, to therapy, and start to sort all that stuff out. The patterns you experience can be changed. Take a risk, bite the bullet, and go for it. Now.

dwayne

October 5th, 2014 at
3:56 AM

I personally dont understand all the yelling that comes from spouses or anyone friends or family. People just have to many issues, your or their issues should not be someonelses problems. People don’t slow down enough and take time out before they over react, their overreacting and display of lack of self control is disgusting and annoying. People like that should be required to have some form of counseling. Don’t marry or be friends to people like that.

Kristi

October 27th, 2014 at
9:13 AM

I have been married for 14 years. It has been good for 5. The other 9 has been episode after episode of something small triggering an avalanche of yelling, cursing and telling me everything he’s been angry at me about over the last 14 years. Then I defend myself and am told that I am such a victim. We have been to 5 counselors and he will do better for a short time and then the volcano erupts again. The reason that I am not divorced yet is that we have a son. I dont know which would be worse for him, to stay or go. There is a big part of me that believes more damage is being done to him by watching the events unfold than him being protected.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

October 27th, 2014 at
12:16 PM

Hi, Kristi,

Have you considered individual counseling? It may be that this is no longer about your husband’s yelling. It may be about your ambivalence about staying in the marriage, and therapy may help you with that. I also think that you are now beyond defending yourself when your husband yells at you and criticizes you. Your intuition is clearly in the right direction–your son needs more protection from the chronic yelling than he does from divorce.

manzi

November 20th, 2014 at
9:42 PM

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. We both left our partners at the time to be with each other (he has kids). And boy, is he a yeller when we fight. .other than that it’s the best relationship I have had.
His yelling, swearing and throwing things around really gets to me. And as a response, I get defensive or walk away which he reads as arrogance. However, sometimes I “fake” yelling at him and he seems to calm a wee bit. We are soon to be engaged, but I am not sure if I wanna go down that path unless I am 100%?
I am assuming counselling is the answer? I am happy to do so, he won’t be game!

Tai G

November 30th, 2014 at
11:21 PM

So Im 14 and My Mom and I live with my Grandma. I never start fights or get mad at them. Ever since I can remember My Mom and Grandma have been yelling at each other about bills but mostly small things like how the detergent is gone or a little piece of paper on the floor. Recently for the last 3 years My Grandma has been yelling at me a lot. Basically whenever I see her since she works a lot for her age. She likes to argue and start stuff with people. she generous but she’s a very negative and sometimes hurtful and taunting person. She constantly yells a My Mom and I. She almost never thinks about how other people feel or how they think. And she thinks what she says is always right and is what goes. She never stops yelling at Me even if what she’s saying makes no sense and I’m making a valid point and My Mom sides with her even though she doesn’t agree most of the time. It’s getting worse and she’s ruining my life by putting me down and never listening to what I have so say or what I think. I will show this article to them hopefully it helps.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

December 1st, 2014 at
8:40 PM

Hello, Tai,

I really appreciate hearing from you–(I would have responded sooner but I have just returned from out of town tonight.)

I appears from your description of the way things go in your home, that perhaps your mother is caught in what I think may be a loyalty conflict. What that means is that she is pulled in two directions–one part of her wants to side with you, but that might make her mother mad. Another side of her feels pulled to side with her mother, but that leaves you feeling sad, hurt, and angry. I don’t know for sure, but it sounds like your mother simply does not know how to handle the conflict she faces, and the problem is that it leaves you feeling unsupported and terrible. Show your mother this post, and ask her if she is willing to go with you to counseling. I think that might help you both. Let me know how this develops going forward.

Manu

December 16th, 2014 at
8:59 AM

Hi,

I have been married for 7 years. One of the most frustrating problems is that my husband screams and shouts for every little thing that irritates him. If he is not screaming then he reacts in such an irritated voice with raised voice. I have been telling him to change this for the last 7 years. He has changed but only 20%. This is creating really big issues as it I am unable to stop myself now and I also yell back. It creates further huge fights where both of us are fighting and our daughter is scared and listening and learning the same.

My husband is not interested in visiting a counsellor. He thinks I am at fault and I can visit alone.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

December 16th, 2014 at
10:03 AM

Manu,

I encourage you to visit a therapist alone, (because he won’t go with you) and get some counseling on how to isolate your role in the pattern, and also to get some support. PLEASE do not interpret what I said about your role to mean that you are responsible for his yelling-YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS YELLING–he is. However, there is a pattern you two are stuck in, and in order to have a chance at creating a new more healthy pattern, you have to first become aware or your role in the current pattern.

Manu

donna b

December 23rd, 2014 at
9:29 PM

Just want to say that my father always yelled at me. I could never do anything right. He treated me like I was stupid and like I was an idiot. He has apologized at the age of 80, but it’s too late, even though we still spend time together and are nice to each other. Now I yell at my husband. I often think he does things just to make me mad. I can’t seem to overcome not looking at him as a human being with real feelings. I seem to think that if I yell louder and yell more he will get what I’m saying. But it never works. We are 62 and 57, so if we don’t figure it out soon, we are going to be in big trouble.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

December 29th, 2014 at
1:16 PM

Donna B.,

Well, maybe you are punishing your husband for your father’s sins, so to speak, (no religious connotation intended.) Regardless, you both have a lot of years ahead of you, so go get some counseling together and find a way to make this years happy ones.

donna b

Jim Hutt, Ph.D

December 30th, 2014 at
9:45 AM

Hi, Donna,

My apologies for confusing you. My comment was meant to give you something to think about that you may not have considered. Some people, sometimes, are still angry at their parent for the chronic yelling they grew up with. Some people may or may not be aware of that leftover anger, and might take that anger out on their spouse. I do not know if you might be doing that or not, and that is what my comment meant. On the other hand, parents who chronically yelled at their kids teach their kids that yelling is acceptable, even though it seldom provides the yeller with what he or she wants. In any event, I encourage you seek counseling with your husband so that you can each discover how you both have created the pattern that isn’t working well for either of you, and find out how to create a pattern that is satisfying. The pattern that you and your husband frequently repeat is not one sided–it’s not only about your yelling. Your husband also plays a role, too. Counseling can help you both find a solution for creating a new, loving pattern.

xyz xyzzzz

February 20th, 2015 at
7:11 AM

I am 48 years old. Married since I was 27. My wife is a yeller and now I see my 15 year old daughter becoming a yeller. My 3 sisters and my mom are yellers. My mother-in-law is a yeller. My dad was not a yeller but he passed away when I was 20. I live in the northeastern U.S.. Regarding my daughter, my wife has been yelling at her since she was little (even though my daughter has generally been a well behaved child). My mother-in-law even said a couple of times – in sort of an abstract way regarding a somewhat unrelated issue – “just give her/he what they want, just shut them up.” I even had a friend refer to my family as the “Bickerings” instead of our real name. I think I need to mention my sex life with my wife. It has never been good. Even before we were married. Not because she was a virgin when we were married but because it never improved. I generally respected that (although I don’t think people need to be virgins until marriage). I didn’t rush my wife, although it was hard for me. It only got worse. I had 3 girl friends prior to my marriage (those relationships ended amicably) and my sex life with them was much more satisfying than my sex life ever was/is with my wife. It seems sex is used by my wife (and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law) as a tool to manipulate. Although I can’t be sure about that with my mother-in-law & sister-in-law. When we were married my wife and I had sex around 3 times a year and it was quick and not satisfying for me. Over the last several years we have sex maybe once a year. She never seems at all motivated to improve the situation. I don’t want to play the victim but I think this all has effected me. There is a certain lose of confidence and general satisfaction in my life. I feel I am constantly searching for some way to be happy, motivated and productive. I feel I’ve made a mistake with my life. I adore my daughter but my marriage could have been a mistake for me. I was fairly young when I got married but I thought everything would generally work out. I am very worried that I was wrong. I am not one to seek out help (it feels uncomfortable to do so).

jim Hutt, Ph.D.

February 20th, 2015 at
10:39 AM

Mr. wyz,

Well, after all you said, and mentioning that you aren’t one to ask for help,
I will interpret your post as asking for help, and I’m glad you did. I imagine all of you are in some sort of pain, and would benefit from sitting down as a family with a good family therapist. If other’s aren’t willing to go, then I encourage you to find someone to talk to.

What you describe sounds like a life of quiet desperation for you, and not-so-quiet desperation for the others. The patterns that have led to difficulties you experience can be broken. Bite the bullet, find a therapist, and begin to learn how to create healthy patterns.

mwf

February 28th, 2015 at
7:31 PM

My wife and I have been married 14 years. We used to get along SO well. Now we don’t. Yelling to me and the 2 beautiful daughters (7 and 5) we have seem a milti day occurrence. I work for home and hear the yelling and crying every day and evening. When I am home with the girls we enjoy our time so much…I paint their nails, play puzzles, legos, hide and seek even dollies. When ever there are all 4 of us in the house it seems SO complicated and I just can’t stand it! My wife will then yell at me about something instead of discussing and then the kids hear it and that makes me go into a completely disresceptful state by tell her not to yell in front of kids…we never have time to talk…im not yelling or shouting…you try it then, you seem to know how to be the perfect parent. No I am not and who is but what I do know it the effect of the whole family and not one of us enjoy much longer then 1 hour before thing erupt. How do I handle this? I work 60 – 70 hours a week and my weekends and not something I look forward to a lot – even tho I need the break. I hear yelling, screaming, the house is a mess a lot…all I want is the calmness and fun back not the loud, mess. I’m not asking for the place to be perfectly clean but basic dishes done and clothes away and food dropped on floor pick up. It is effecting all of us I honestly don’t see any light unless something changes… I think she feels helpless and not worthy but when we were both working it was the same and she was a stressed out wife all the time. I don’t know what to do…

Amanda D

April 16th, 2015 at
11:07 PM

She may need to go on an antidepressant. My situation is the same. I am the wife. She needs time out of the house and alone. She needs you to pitch in and help. It’s hard taking care of two little humans and a house full of people who I’m guessing rarely clean up after themselves. You need to make time for each other. She has lost herself she doesn’t feel like a woman anymore but a wife and mom.

Dr. Jim Hutt

March 1st, 2015 at
10:04 AM

MWF,

The situation you describe sounds horrible for everyone in the family. You and your wife are stuck in a pattern that is highly self-reinforcing, and difficult to break without professional intervention.

I suggest you ask your wife if she is willing to go to marital counseling with you. I realize you are very busy people professionally, but you will not regret making time for counseling.

If your wife refuses to go, do not argue with her about it. Simply set up a time, and go by yourself. There is a chance she will go eventually. BTW, going by yourself does not mean that you admitting you are “the problem.” It simply means you are making every attempt to combat your feelings of helplessness to break a powerfully painful and potentially destructive pattern.

donna b

March 1st, 2015 at
2:15 PM

Because I consider myself a yeller, saying that your wife does not feel worthy and she may feel like nothing will ever change sounds right. Do you ever tell her to stop, that she has no right to be yelling at you and the kids? My husband is more passive than me. If he would put his foot down and make it clear to your wife you are not going to tolerate this behavior and not engage in a heated ongoing argument, your wife might get the point.

ABM

March 2nd, 2015 at
9:27 AM

I had to end a five year relationship with my fiancée. My father was a yeller, and i had a job where my superior was a yeller. I detest yelling. But yet, over the last year of our relationship, i became the yeller in this sense: Her: “you need to get this thing done.” Me: “i will when i can” Her: “but, it needs to be done.” Me: “I know, i know. But i can’t get to it if you don’t leave me alone.” Her: “This needs to get done.” Me: “LEAVE ME ALONE!” Her: “Don’t yell at me!” Me: “Then LEAVE ME ALONE!” (and the cycle continues — and gets escalated). This began to occur almost everyday. She had recently said that if i yell at her again, then she is done with the relationship (she had said that multiple times). Then, she complained about something that was not done yet — then i yelled, she then called off our family’s plans for christmas, and seemed to have ended the relationship. I was devastated until she called to see how i was doing after about two weeks, and we were back together (so to speak). She told me that she really did not intend to end the relationship but rather teach me a lesson about yelling. A couple of weeks later, she complained about how i cared for our dogs — by not being home sooner, which since i was not home there was nothing i could do about it at that moment – she yelled at me about being more responsible, i yelled back at her to say that i cannot take this anymore — and that i wanted to end the relationship. I have not spoken to her since. I am so very sad — i cannot concentrate, grief and all. I cannot be in a relationship where there is consistent fighting and yelling, even if i am the yeller. I am so disappointed that this relationship failed. I am 40 years old she is 35 — we are both professionals, and neither one of us could figure out how to simply discuss whatever was driving these nonsensical but very damaging fights.

Rachel K

May 22nd, 2015 at
9:02 AM

Hi, I’m a full time working mom. I have an 8 yr old and a 9mo old. My boyfriend stays home with the baby. For a while now I find myself getting very angry and then finally losing it and I just scream. I scream so loud that my throat hurts. It’s sadly not just my boyfriend that I’ve done this to. During my pregnancy with my son I was under a lot of stress and went thru a lot with my boyfriend. And I found myself expressing my anger towards my daughter. I would get instantly angry at her for not listening and I would just lose it. And start screaming that I couldn’t handle it. I feel incredibly terrible when I do this. Yesterday I got very angry with my boyfriend for choosing to stay home and play video games instead of going with me to the Dr’s for our son. I had even made arrangements for my daughter to get picked up after school so he could come with. I went to the appt and when I got home we fought some more. At one point he started to laugh at me and then I freaked out screaming to him to stop laughing at me. It was horrible that I yelled like that. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like something is wrong with me.

Kelly

June 19th, 2015 at
11:53 AM

I have a question slightly off topic. My son is 21 months old. He is advanced for his age. walked, talked, etc early. My husband and I are having an issue with him fighting diaper changes. Last night for example he starting kicking my husband and he told him No, etc. then he started ‘air kicking’…testing my husband. So when he was done changing him he made him sit on the couch until I returned to the room and he proceeded to pick up all his toys. When I returned it was time for bed. So i picked him up and told him to say good night to daddy like I do every night. But last night my husbands response was ‘No, Im good’. I asked why he would’t say goodnight and said it was ‘punishment’. Long story short I put my son to bed then had a conversation with my husband about it. His side of it is that by not saying goodnight that is taking away something our son likes therefore it is a punishment. And he is likely laying in his crib thinking about it, etc. Basically our son is smart so he thinks its teaching him a lesson. He doesn’t think that timeouts work for him, etc. I told him that is not a punishment and I think it is sending the wrong message. I told him I feel it comes across as ‘conditional love’ instead of ‘unconditional love’. We ended up agreeing to disagree. But this really bothers me. I feel it will create long term issues between the two of them and or teach him the incorrect way to deal with someone that is misbehaving etc.
I guess my question is, is my husbands ways right or wrong? Could it damage our son long term?

Donna Bisby

June 21st, 2015 at
2:32 PM

Your husband needs to understand that a 21 month-old child does not associate his misbehaving with his father’s punishment. Too much time has passed between the two events. I would think your son only feels like he is a bad boy and that his father doesn’t love him. Period. Maybe when your son starts to kick, your husband could just turn away and not give your son the attention he realizes he can get by kicking his legs. Or he could tell him “No-No!” and give him a stern look. I’m sure there are many ways to address his behavior without making your son feel unloved.

Great question! First of all, I encourage you and your husband to check out Love and Logic parenting, if you haven’t done it already. Great practical parenting stuff I used that helped my wife and me raise our two kids. (No, I do not get residuals for passing along their material.)

Let me put your mind and heart at ease. Your husband’s decision to not say “good night” did not damage your son, as long as he did it in a manner that was not outwardly angry or hostile. Your husband’s behavior was a consequence, not a punishment, and it helped not reinforce your son’s behavior.

Consequences and punishment differ in the following way: consequences are for the purposes of teaching, and punishment is for the purposes of inflicting pain. My view is that what your husband did was a consequence. It’s possible your son was bummed out about not having your husband say “good night,” but he will learn from it.

Twenty-one months is still very young, and I imagine your son doesn’t yet have much language. Regardless, another way you and your husband might deal with this if (when) this happens again is to say: “Daddy/mommy doesn’t (say good night, play with, hold, etc.) little boys who kick,” and then put down and walk away. He might not like that, but he will not be damaged by it, and he will learn from the experience. And, it’s much more effective than simply saying “no.”

As for unconditional love—loving a child unconditionally doesn’t mean you can’t show them your disapproval in a way that is consistent with your feelings, and is appropriately delivered. That, too, is love.

At the end of the day, do your best not to reinforce the behavior you want your son to stop. Love and Logic can help you with all of this. Start using it now, and you will really enjoy parenting more, and parenting conflict between you and your husband will be seriously reduced.

Jim Hutt

Evan T

July 2nd, 2015 at
5:21 PM

I have a problem with yelling, it happens only once every six months or so and I try not to do it but every once in a while I lose my temper, I yell, and I immediately regret it. At this point I don’t know if I have a problem but my girlfriend thinks I do and I need to know what to do? Do I see a counslor or what? And how do I find the right one? Thanks

The GoodTherapy.org Team

July 2nd, 2015 at
7:45 PM

Hi, Evan. The best way to look for a therapist on GoodTherapy.org is to go on our advanced search (https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html) and use it to find exactly what you’re looking for. You may also call our toll-free Find-A-Therapist line at 888-563-2112 ext. 1. We hope that helps!

JIM HUTT

Brian M

July 26th, 2015 at
10:45 AM

Jim,

Before and after every argument I admonish my self not to yell- and I keep returning.
My wife will never apologize (at least not during an argument), she doesn’t ever admit that she could have done something differently, and she isn’t at all empathetic in the midst of conflict. Any suggestion that she either understand my point of view or that she could have handled something differently only leads to additional attacks. When I am clearly right it only seems to make her more angry- logic is not an effective tool for me- so whenever I feel like I’m right or I stand up for myself or my position our arguments go bad- eventually – with all else failing- I yell –
Sometimes I think my yelling gets her out of being wrong- so there’s some strategy to get me there- because how can I be right after screaming or yelling.
Advice?
Btw- she’s lacks enough behaviors for narcissism.

Sara

July 29th, 2015 at
6:41 PM

I have a bad attitude towards my husband at times. He gets upset easily and then I get defensive but my defense is yelling and lashing out. Then he gets upset and lashes out to me then I shut down and don’t talk. I don’t apologize while we are fighting and when I do he says he doesn’t believe me because I will just do it again. I need to change my attitude towards him but I don’t know how. He loves me unconditionally and I know this. I love him too but I just keep lashing out.
how can I change my attitude for the better and stop lashing out over stupid stuff.

Cody

July 31st, 2015 at
9:40 PM

I try to remind myself my daughter doesnt need to hear me yelling. Also i’ve been very fortunate my wife has stuck it out with me. I should have lost my family a couple of times, but i didnt. So i
Havent forgotten that if i act a fool i can and will lose my wife and daughter. Im slowly getting better at biting my tongue and keeping my cool. I know whats at stake, and id never forgive myself for ruining my daughters chance at a better childhood then mine. Hope that helps.

GG

August 19th, 2015 at
1:13 PM

I never yell at my wife. I love her and try to be as empathetic as I can to whatever situation she or we are in. She is super sensitive to aggressive behaviour because of a previous marriage, so I try not to express any aggression in our relationship. I was tired and mentally fatigued so when she came home late one more evening after I had repeatedly asked to call me to let me know, I lost it! “All you have to do” I said “is call me to let me know. My number is on speed dial and redial. It make me feel unimportant, insignificant and makes me fearful and frustrated.” With that I stormed off and went to have a shower and bed. I felt that I was not going to be of any use to anyone after that. Understandably, she’s not talking to me yet. This has been going on for months and even though I have apologized, but to what end? I still don’t think she gets how I feel.

Jim Hutt

August 19th, 2015 at
9:25 PM

GG,
This is a tough one, as not knowing any historical details, I can only make some inferences. My guess is that both you and your wife both may be conflict avoidant. If so, their are probably relatively important historical roots to that, which, if understood, might help you guys resolve this, and become more comfortable with conflict. (You might want to check out a blog post of mine that differentiates conflict from fighting–http://www.counselorlink.com/fighting-and-conflict-are-not-the-same/)

Second, as a (possibly) conflict avoidant couple, it’s possible that more stays unsaid than said, especially the difficult stuff to talk about. Maybe walking on eggs more often than is healthy for either of you. You said you don’t think “she gets how I feel.” She probably has the same thought about you. Because I know nothing about the two of you, I will give you each the following things to think about: Can you have a conversation about what you each think and feel without blaming each other for what you think and feel? Can you each express how you feel without attributing what you feel to the other as if the other caused you to feel what you feel? If not, get in to counseling and figure out how to break the current patterns for which each of you played a role in creating. Once you understand the pattern(s), you can create new, more productive patterns, while becoming less conflict avoidant.

ep

September 1st, 2015 at
9:13 PM

my husband and i have been married for 3 years now. he has been yelling a lot at least once or twice a week. we are going to counseling. I’m not one to treated this way has my parents never taught one to yell. we do have a lot of stress right now in our marriage. i just feel like i am at a cross road and things might never change but i don’t want to give up either.

Des

September 5th, 2015 at
1:25 PM

I was involved with a yeller for a while and kicked their sorry a** to the kerb as soon as was possible.
If you are reading this forum and contemplating a relationship with one of these nutters, run for the hills and don’t look back.
It is better to live alone than go home to emotional abuse day after day.
Good luck and God speed.

Sharmaine

September 6th, 2015 at
5:58 PM

Is too much yelling part of an abuse?We’ve been together now for 2years and 5months to go it’s our 3rd year anniversary already. He constantly yelling at me when he sees things that he doesn’t like but it’s his fault. When he’s telling me to do that and this and i answer yeah! Okay! But he’s yelling and saying “Listen to me! You hearing me?! And i said yeah! I already said yes a billion times! And then seems like everyday now when he doesn’t like my attitude he’s telling me to STOP!!!Change your attitude right now! I don’t like it!you need to change stuff like that,Even in public.I’m at the point maybe I’m depressed already! And telling me he doesn’t care even if I’m mad!

Rdu

September 29th, 2015 at
8:05 AM

I am a yeller and I have been with my girlfriend for more than a year and I have been constantly yelling at her for silly reasons. She has come to a conclusion to let me yell until I get tired talk calmly later. She is right and I can’t figure out a way to control my yelling. I say things that I don’t even mean wen I yell at her but later wen I think about it I will be like “why the hell has I said that” then I start consoling her that I won’t be like this and I am sorry and I will control my yelling. I want to control and I don’t know how to control. Now she’s at a point that I won’t change ever even after 40 years. I feel bad about myself.

david s.

October 2nd, 2015 at
12:14 PM

I find that sometimes i yell because 1 or more people either interupt or talk over me and it really infuriates me 1 im not being heard 2 im not able to express myself and address the issue and 3 im being rudely thrown off track. Roberts rule of order baby thats what i need because i get so angry i feel like duct taping the mouth

Ginny

October 7th, 2015 at
11:10 AM

Hi, thank you for your blog. I used to be the primary yeller and sometimes still am, but, have made huge efforts over the last five years to change things and have been successful at reducing the intensity and frequency a lot. My husband is loving at times, and helps with a lot of things. He is devoted to our daughter and they have a close relationship, yet he also picks on her, and he tends to side with her against me. He has a huge tolerance for conflict, whereas I am quite sensitive to it. Overall I find him to be very smart, and manipulative, and he will not work to support the family. Our daughter is a pre teen. She has a quiet, cowering attitude at times and I fear it is the tension and blaming she has experienced. My husband can be super touchy and has a strong tendency to blame others. He can be overly persistent in picking arguments. Recently he has been ranting to me about some things at our daughter’s school. I have angina and it often gets worse when I talk to him. I have learned a lot of strategies for avoiding blowouts, and creating more warmth and rapport, but sometimes I still am maxed beyond my limits. I try to talk about parenting issues and it usually ends up in frustration. Sometimes though we do talk well. When we start to get angry, I’ll ask him to stop the conversation if it gets too stressful for me but he ignores me. If I walk away he complains loudly with sarcasm. I tell him I am hurting physically and he says that since I am a woman and he is a man, there is no way I could die before him. Ridiculous of course.
I think he would do therapy, he says he would, although I feel unsure whether to invest those resources because in the past he has lied and manipulated in a therapy setting. Over the years he has gone along with efforts to get help, without really doing the work. Later he will say “It wasn’t my idea to begin with.” Like some other folks here, I feel taken advantage of in the household and finances. He agrees to do things like make supper when I’m tired after work, then puts it off an hour, then yells at me about it whether or not I complain or how, just out of guilt. He even complains that I’m eating too much of the food he wants, after he didn’t fix supper the way he said he would. He seems to feel self righteous and angry with a lot of people, and I guess he thinks I’m a convenient target for his reactivity. I am afraid for my health but if I leave it will be a stressful process, and I know it would be tough without him.
I might try your advice of letting him know ahead of time what my new behavior will be (take a breather when I start to feel stressed), so there are no surprises, thanks! Also I think I will ask him to set a time for us to talk about some issues, and set a time limit as you suggested. And maybe try therapy tho the money is an issue. Otherwise I will suggest that we take turns picking out a book or other resource to use to work on the relationship regularly, maybe including the one you have mentioned. Things were going pretty well for a while; I’m not sure why it took a turn for the worse over the last few weeks and I’m scared about my stress levels. Thanks for listening.

Lisa

October 14th, 2015 at
12:51 PM

I am afraid to think it but believe I have an issue with my temper too. I know life is stressful and to always try and focus on the good and be positive, and sometimes I excel at that. I understand how all of these techniques and/or tricks to help could be amazing as well. Unfortunately, I fear I am already too late on trying to fix things and won’t have many more chances to change.

I’ve been married and divorced to my husband more than once, and we always get back together because we really do seem to love each other and want to provide a stable family for our child. We can go weeks with everything being good, and then something small happens and wham! Fireworks!

We have tried counseling and like many others on here, didn’t find the results we were seeking. We are active in our church and try to lead Christian lives.

I don’t want to be a bad mother or wife and do recognize I’m yelling out of fear or sadness or helplessness but taking all of that knowledge and turning it into a productive outlet is where I continue to fail.

Ginny

October 16th, 2015 at
1:41 PM

Just a followup to say that I find your blog encouraging, and I want others to be encouraged as well. It is my experience that things can absolutely get better. With the right tools, and the determination to keep trying, even strong, harmful habits can be minimized and replaced with strong, healthy ones.
My husband has a tendency to overreact at times, as I have too at times, but he was going through a tough time recently, and we are all doing better now. I am keeping my sense of humor, my perspective, and good boundaries. The family is back on track and I’m still making plans to work with my husband using some of the tools you’ve offered here. These things take deliberate practice and patience. Thanks.

laura

December 3rd, 2015 at
1:32 AM

Hi
I was reading the majority of sad , sick stories and my heart goes out to all the victims , that have to endure yelling every day.
Iam also encountering abusive yelling.lve been with my partner for four years, when we first met everything seem ok , as the months progressed I found myself walking on egg shells, waiting for him to get home to find an excuse to yell at me. There would be times I felt he would deliberately argue with me intentionally so he would have the ability to leave and leave for weeks.
I would always chase him , find him at his work place or friends house. As time as passed with his yelling he has also become violent, he drinks six stubbies every night but explains it doesn’t effect him.
I’m at my wits end I hate him , but as soon as he leaves I feel sick , cant eat, cant function. Do I enjoy being mentally and physically tortured? What is wrong with me?
I keep hoping he will change, magically he will take a turn for the better , but its only getting worse.
Please help me find a easy way to leave this monster

Eric

December 4th, 2015 at
10:36 AM

You need to leave him. Talk to friends and/or relatives to give u a place to stay(away from him). Youre unable to leave him because youre afraid of what might happen, if he really is violent, involve the police. You said yourself you hate him, you should not have to live your life in fear of another person, especially someone close to you. He sounds like a jerk and everyone deserves to live a normal HAPPY life.

Sierra

December 15th, 2015 at
9:38 AM

I can not deal with this, almost daily an older family member does this. She is driving me crazy, constantly yelling, blaming others, saying she would be better off if we were gone, telling us to go to hell, everything is our fault. Yet all she does is stay in one place & doesn’t help with anything only causing more problems. Even the simplest things of getting a cup of coffee can not be done herself. But, if one cup or one towel is missing the she blows up. Don’t bother trying to calm her down or point of the problem that’s happening, she screams even more. Or stars using profanity. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore, I don’t even want to go into the same room with her. Its causing too much stress and anxiety even being near her. How can I do something to fix this.

DonGodfather

December 16th, 2015 at
12:36 PM

Sierra, I used to have the same EXACT problem. I used to wonder how someone could scream at the top of their lungs all day and for days on end . You have to find your own. Move out. The longer you stay in that environment, the more it will negatively effect you. I wish I left earlier than I did. It created a false environment for me and obscured my vision from the real world, always having to worry, always having to deal with that. I hope you do the right thing for YOURSELF! YOU are the most important thing in every situation. If hurts to be there leave and don’t get used to the pain, you don’t have to.

Carl

December 27th, 2015 at
5:37 PM

My mother was like this when I was younger. I am 30 now. She has anxiety, but I don’t think she realizes that she makes herself anxious. She already can’t talk at a normal volume, she’s Italian, and then on top of that she freaks herself out.

I never realized why my sister and her don’t talk, now I can understand. She makes everyone nervous with her energy. I can feel it in my body when I am near her. She has passed her nervousness and anger onto me. I have been trying to work out my anger issues and nervousness for the past few months.

My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and even though I have explained to her numerous times that she should be more patient and soft spoken with her mother, she still continues to shout in her face to the point my grandmother gets so nervous, she goes into flight mode and runs out the door or tries to hit her. I have no idea how to get through to my mom on this issue alone. The most hilarious thing is that when I tell her that the reason my grandmother does this, she denies it and says she talks nice to her and she is quiet. I even have recorded her doing it and she watches and says it’s normal.

LA

January 6th, 2016 at
9:16 PM

My husband frequently yells at me and my 3 sons. He doesn’t say abusive statements, but has very little anger management skills and zero stress management skills. We’ve been together for 17 years, and his yelling started after our first child was born 11 years ago. He refuses to change and we’ve been to therapy. My sons have also started to tell him to stop yelling and to stop yelling at me. I’m constantly trying to remain calm and emotionally stable for my boys.

I feel like things will never change and feel hopeless. It’s hard to recover and rebound from his outbursts.

MyEarsHurt

January 7th, 2016 at
10:36 AM

You are not alone. Seek out the truth through all the confusion on your own(not through him, he obviously can’t handle it). Stay strong trust yourself. Know that it is not your fault. Put yourself first please. It is the only way you can survive this. Walk away when you can( it doesn’t mean forever). I know this can be hard because it seems that you know he is struggling. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

MyEarsHurt

April 16th, 2016 at
5:49 AM

I wish he would stop he hurts me. I don’t understand I am so confused. I try to be calm. It’s not always easy sometimes he makes me want to lash back I be stayed calm this week but he takes eve my kindest gestures and uses them against me. He left again and he says he hates me again and he doesn’t care that he hurts me. I mean that’s clear I shouldn’t be confused but I am. Why am I here if he hates me and wants to hurt me. I am so sad and lonely.

syl

December 6th, 2017 at
12:08 PM

Its terrible how we have to adjust for them. We are not suppose to do it. They have a problem with anger and they should fix it. They use manipulation very well, and we fall in, an they make sure no one give us a rope. I claw myself back every time. my prayers are with you.

Donna

January 9th, 2016 at
3:58 PM

I’ve been keeping up with the people that send in their thoughts about people that yell. And I’ve wondered if we (yellers) are attracted to calm, quiet people. Also are calm quiet people attracted to yellers? Just wondering if anyone had anything to add to this. I know that my husband is a quiet person, not prone to raise his voice, although, he does have a very deep voice. It’s comical that it bothers him when I raise my voice and he says I have a quiet voice that he often can’t hear.

Amanda J

February 18th, 2016 at
7:50 PM

I come from a family of yellers. My parents yelled at each other a lot when I was a child. When I would act up, they would yell at me, and I would yell back. I’m still guilty of doing it from time to time but I have done a lot of work on myself to try to correct it because I remember how it broke me every time. In my current relationship, every time we fight, he yells and I can’t stop it. I’ve told him how it affects me and makes feel and when he starts I ask him to lower his voice and he just says that he’s not yelling and that he can’t control his volume because he’s naturally a loud person. I’m so frustrated and I don’t know what I can do to make him see that his yelling isn’t okay and needs to stop. I don’t know how much more of it I can take. I get so angry when he starts yelling that I just want to throw something (and as much as I hate to admit it, at times I have) because I’m just so sick of being talked to like garbage. I am constantly reminding him that I am a human being and I deserve to be talked to like one. I think about leaving because I don’t know what else I can do. Any suggestions for communicating this to him in a way that might actually finally sink in?
Thank you in advance!

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

February 19th, 2016 at
3:55 PM

Amanda J.,
First of all, good for you for having done all the work you did to change your own tendency to yell. That is a remarkable thing you did.

Your situation sounds very painful, frustrating, and stressful. You also sound like you feel stuck. If he is unable or unwilling to take a look at how his behavior is affecting you, my guess is that he is not particularly compassionate or empathic, and he might be thinking: “you just need to get over it.”

So, your question: How can you communicate to him in a way that all of this will finally sink in? Well, you’ve already tried yelling—that did not sink in; you’ve tried explaining and describing how painful the experience of being yelled at is, and that didn’t sink in.

You mentioned that you’ve thought about leaving, and I can understand why. If he treats you like garbage, but you believe you are not garbage, then you might have to leave in order to maintain your self-respect, your dignity, not to mention your sanity. Leaving is another form of communication. That might sink in.

The thought of leaving, however, feels scary, so many people stay in order to avoid their fear. Then you’re in a situation where you think you can’t live with him, and you can’t live without him. However, only one of those statements is accurate. You get to decide which one.

Joanne

March 11th, 2016 at
4:24 PM

Yesterday I was screamed at by my boyfriend of 3 years. He is a retired high level executive who is college educated and had a very successful professional life. While on our way to the funeral of my close friend, he described how he screamed at people who are responsible for the maintenance of his property. Although we were both invited to a dinner a few hours after the funeral, he wanted to go home since the day would be too long for him. I prepared some food for him since he was hungry, which he ate entirely after heavy criticism. Later that evening, I drove alone to the memorial dinner, which is difficult for me at night. He asked to hear from me when I returned home. My friends were asking about him. Instead of viewing their questions as concern for his well being, he screamed at me for not defending his actions. I had purposely steered the conversation away from him, because I knew if I said too much, that would also be reason for criticism. He complained bitterly about one friend in particular who he finds too controlling and manipulative, and screamed mostly about me defending her, and not him.
I imagine he will contact me with no explanation, and no reason to apologize.

sol

March 13th, 2016 at
5:07 AM

My Ex is a yeller. This is the only way he expresses himself when angry. May have issues with women in general or a birth defect. Seriously, I don’t like to see a man holler/yell in the manner as if he is losing control. It’s like he came from a yelling home. I only yell, when frustrated. I tend to voice my opinion always but, don’t have to yell to make a point. That’s why he is my Ex.

Him

March 18th, 2016 at
11:03 AM

Mine is not a family of yellers, but I somehow has got this bad habit…which was very minimal initially…then I had a bad marriage and everything changed. At present I am in the middle of a nasty divorce fighting for my son’s custody. I have lost everything..my job/my status/my life. In India, it is not socially acceptable to be a single mom or a divorced woman, people see you with disrespect, and consider you the culprit even if you are the one whose been exploited and who has lost everything. I had earned a good respect among my close circle as I was not from a very well to do family but managed to study with my efforts, without any financial support and secured a managerial position in a very good public company(which I had to lose because my husband wanted me to). Now, I am living with my parents now, although I am earning just enough to take care of me and my son, paying all our household expenses but we are being considered burden even after that.
Now, as it seems to me that I have nothing to lose(socially), I yell a lot on small matters…at my son too..
I feel guilty after doing this and always resolve not to repeat the same. But I dont know why I do all the same in a fit of rage. I dont know why I lose control. I am studying higher, to make sure I am better to take custody of my son and did really well in my initial exams. I want to focus everything on it, not to yell…

Hate the fight

April 9th, 2016 at
1:20 AM

Sitting here frustrated at my husband of two years. We have been together for six years after I was abruptly divorced and alone with three kids. Now we have two kids together and are raising the other three. Anyways one of our major issues is the fights. He will start yelling and cussing anytime he feels annoyed, tired, insecure, if I have expectations on him, if we disagree, if I am upset about something and either express it or try to keep it to myself to deal with my own emotions til they pass. When he yells I am very upset. I either retreat or yell back. Neither situation is helpful. If I retreat he follows me yelling. If I yell back then I become abusive too and feel not only bad about the situation but about myself too. If I say nothing he yells and belittles me and lectures me and goes on and on then acts like everything is great.
Friends and family are alienated, but mostly worried about my children, having to witness abuse on a regular basis. He yells some at the kids, but more at me. I feel shame for being too weak to get out of an abusive relationship and becoming an enabler and abuser myself. He always apologizes profusely says he will change but not much lastly change happens. He was physically and emotionally abused as a child, then spent years homeless and on drugs. He has been sober for years now, except for his tobacco addiction, which he is a bear if he runs out or in the morning. I don’t want to be a single mom again, I hated it, and that is what got me here in the first place, loneliness, poverty, and needing support and help raising my children. If it only happens once in a while I can handle it but when it starts happening regularly or in public or when I get really angry and fight back I feel like I am in hell and losing my mind and my life. We are not seeing a counselor and I know we should. I just am unsure if it will help and not sure who to turn to for help. Thanks

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

April 18th, 2016 at
8:35 AM

To: MyEarsHurt,
I do not know if you are in a marriage or not, nor any real details about your situation, so it is difficult to give you helpful feedback. That said, it sounds as though you are in a relatively constant state of emotional intensity, which, if true, makes it very difficult to make a decision about what to do. Therefore, I suggest you find a counselor who can help you sort everything out so that you can begin to rebuild a peaceful life. It’s terrible that you feel so sad and lonely, and now, one decision you can make, is to take charge of regaining happiness–no one can stop you from doing that.

Wife and Mom

May 12th, 2016 at
7:42 PM

Hi,
I am realizing that I am a yeller like my mom, unfortunately this is effecting my marriage. I feel like I am a horrible mom and I wife! I have had two miscarriages and I suffer from anxiety and depression as well. I have two children a three and a half year old and a baby boy. I find myself frustrated with our toddler, but she is a toddler and often tests us. I more often find myself upset at my husband, for either not helping or I perceive him as being mad or frustrated with my unorganized and messy house (I’ve always had trouble with housecleaning schedule, clutter and organization) it was not something my mom taught me. She also yelled….The bottom line is I don’t want to be like my mom, probably my biggest fear, and I want to save my marriage and family. Please help. Thank you

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

May 13th, 2016 at
6:44 AM

Wife and Mom,
Well, one this is for sure–you and your husband have your hands full with those two young kids! Dealing with small children is such a tough time in a marriage! You did not mention sleep, but my guess is you are probably sleep deprived to some extent, and that can exacerbate the yelling. As for the yelling–that is going to take a concentrated effort on your part and your husband’s. Try to find a counselor you can both see who will help you understand the emotional (limbic) brain and the thinking (pre-frontal cortex) brain, and how they work in concert with each other, and their connection to yelling. In addition, you will be shown how to access effective alternatives to yelling. Yelling is a problem that is often easier to solve when the two of you work together. When you work together at this, you can each support each other, and you can also find more effective parenting techniques. One reason parents yell at kids is that they simply do not know what else to do, so they resort to yelling. That, of course only makes the problem worse on more than one level. Often yelling is difficult to change without outside help. So find a counselor who will help you methodically address this. If you can’t find a therapist referred by a friend, use the therapist finder right here at GoodTherapy. Stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. You can change this if you address it now while the kids are young. Now is the time to stop the legacy of yelling you grew up with, and I am confident you can do it.

Dane

May 25th, 2016 at
6:26 PM

My wife yells at me all the time and I always called me asked her not to and she yells at our two year old daughter and I asked her not to her replies are flat-out I don’t give a f$ck and I don’t care what do I do now?

Dane

May 25th, 2016 at
6:30 PM

I’m always calm and compassionate….she’s always screaming she can’t handle it and no matter how calm I am it always gets worse …and she don’t care or don’t give a f%ck…….mind you we been together 2 years now married and she was severely abused as a child……. but we’ve been so happy for 2 years and we still can be happy it’s just like a switch turned and I don’t understand why somebody would choose not to be happy

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

donna b.

May 30th, 2016 at
7:49 AM

I am a yeller I’m sorry to say. I’m working on it, but it’s so hard to change. What I don’t understand is why people who express their anger outwardly to another person are considered way worse than someone who is passive/aggressive which is as hard or harder to live with than someone who expresses their anger outwardly.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

May 30th, 2016 at
10:18 AM

Hi, Donna b,
You are absolutely right–both are difficult to deal with, and each is highly reinforcing of the other, and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter that some believe yelling is worse because each is very painful to deal with. If you get a good therapist, you can break that pattern. There are many possible reasons for such a pattern, so I cannot go into that here.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

June 18th, 2016 at
9:57 PM

Dear ME,
I do not know to what you are responding, nor to what you object. Maybe you could be more direct and clear about your dissatisfaction. And remember, if you are desperate, you are better seeking professional help. A blog is typically not designed to remedy desperation. I’m sorry you are in such pain.

Yutolia

July 5th, 2016 at
4:31 PM

Kids don’t always learn to yell at others when their parent yells at them. I was yelled at a lot as a kid, and what I learned was that my mistakes must be so awful to cause this behavior. Even though I am now an adult and I realize that yelling is not a good way to treat someone (I make a conscious effort to not yell at others), whenever someone yells at me, I kind of regress into that state of thinking that my mistake or whatever happened is so awful that I brought this reaction on and I deserve to be treated this way.

syl

December 6th, 2017 at
11:43 AM

i get it, same here. I understand that i pushes issue to far or talk alot. He calls it mumbling, it makes no sense and he hears it like blah, blah blah. I should stop cause he lacks patience i think. just a short fuse. I wont ad fire to it lol. They will meet their match one day, i am sure. Stay strong! and let karma do her thing.

Silly

August 5th, 2016 at
11:10 AM

I am new to USA from Australia where o own a home I got married 6 months ago to a USA guy I had known for 2 years, he’s never been married or had kids , he’s 62 and lived alone most iof his life from alcoholic parents

He shouts at me almost every day and tells me I purposely cry to make him feel guilty
Shouts at me even in public venues and in front of friends one example is him asking me to dance , I said. Is ok to dance a little later , he lost his temper roaring at me in a mousse club in front of friends

The GoodTherapy.org Team

August 5th, 2016 at
12:06 PM

Hi there,
Thank you for your comment. We want to provide you with some resources to help in your situation. If you are experiencing emotional, physical, sexual, or other kinds of abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY: 1-800-787-3224). They provide free confidential support at any time, day or night. Call for resources about safety within an abusive relationship or while trying to leave one.
In addition, you can search for a therapist in your area by using the GoodTherapy.org directory, here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.

Please know we are thinking of you, and wishing the very best for you and your well-being. ♥

SANIYA

October 26th, 2016 at
8:26 AM

I am also facing the same problem coz whenever i speak i forget about my voice modulation which generally leads to shouting and then i am told by others that i was yelling at them i dont know what happens but i can never make out that i was shouting at that particular moment it happens with every kind of conversation i strike with others whether it is a happy moment or exciting moment or something else usually i m scolded by my parents because of this habit and they say that i am a rebellious child they never understand what i am going through coz i m also fed up of this habit but i am unable to get rid of it can you help me out

Jessica A

Brenda T

November 10th, 2016 at
2:15 AM

My husband and I run our business together. For the longest time, his temper is uncontrollable whenever stressed. But lately, I just cannot take it anymore when he shouts at me whenever he feels like it (in front of our employees) and reasons he is just so stressed. So I did what I thought I had to do. I yelled at him! He was stunned. After that, I never felt so liberated in my entire married life. His sister once asked, how we are doing. I said it is challenging. It’s like his rudeness is normal and when he is nice is like a birthday treat.
So how do I go between his rudeness (disrespect to me) and me yelling at him (disrespect to him in front of everybody)?

James Hutt, Ph.D.

November 10th, 2016 at
1:14 PM

Brenda,

What a great story, I mean the part of stunning him when you stood up to him. I am not exactly sure how to answer your question, only because I don’t have enough facts about the two of you. That said, I will make some assumptions, and base what I say on those assumptions.

I think it was great you gave him a dose of his own medicine. He has, in a sense, had his disrespect of you reinforced by your non-response, i.e., not standing up to him. (That’s one assumption I’ve made about you but do not know it is correct). However, if you each create a pattern of mutual yelling, (which I do NOT recommend) you will likely create a dynamic of mutual disrespect. Not a good idea. So, let’s try one behavior change a time.

But, keep one thing in mind: You are not responsible for his yelling, nor for it’s reduction. (That’s based on another assumption—that most people believe they are responsible to some extent for their partner’s yelling—they are not).

The next time he yells at you, you might respond with something such as the following: “I do not work with people who yell at me. When you decide to commit to not yelling at me, which is very humiliating and disrespectful, I will return to work.” Then leave the work place. I realize that may be difficult to do, but, it is a non-hostile, powerful response that sets a firm boundary.

If that is not a viable alternative (I do not know what type of business you run, so maybe it’s not) then try setting the same type of limit at home. If yells, tell him: “It’s very difficult for me to talk to you when you yell—it’s humiliating, hurtful and disrespectful. When you’re ready to talk to me in the (calm) voice I use when I talk to you, I will be happy to listen”. Then leave the room.

sara

JR

December 26th, 2016 at
11:06 AM

My husband yells and screams all the time but especially at the Holidays! He acts like a four year old throwing fits to get his own way. Everyone tries to ignore his behavior but we just can’t make excuses anymore. He drives people away and then complains that no one wants to spend time with him. Just about everything that comes out of his mouth is loud and negative – and everyone else has the problem. We have all grown tired of his “Opinion” and his games! Not sure how to confront him about this situation.

Em

sara

December 27th, 2016 at
3:01 PM

My husband has been screaming at me since we met. For many years I thought that it bothered me so much because I grew up with an abusive father that would yell and beat my mother. Pretty soon into the relationship I, very embarrassingly, told my partner about my father and I asked him to please not scream at me. Yet He continued…

I tried everything and nothing worked until about 6 mo. ago. Now I feel so sad and upset with myself for putting up all of those years. I am so disappointed, disillusioned, angry… I don’t know what to do with so much resentment. Even the slightest argument with him sets me off. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Em

January 30th, 2017 at
1:55 PM

oh my god help! At my school, each student take turns to once a week clean the tables after lunch. One girl, Let’s call her Sara, hasn’t been washing the tables each Thursdays for the past month. No, past YEAR. And it is the first day of the 2nd semester! That’s a looonng time of only washing the tables 2-3 times EVER. The rest of our table is very pissed about it since we have to do it for her. Eventually they coughed up the idea of ME to ask her “kindly” to make up at least HALF of the days she didn’t wash the tables (so it would be her turn to do it for us). So I kindly and firmly asked her. I wasn’t expecting much from her, but I was wrong. She started a spitball fire at the table and shouting that I shouldn’t be in her business (1. ALL of the table was in her business, not just me. 2. Yes it is the table’s business because if we were not cleaning up for her we would yes, all of us, land into detention). And she actually shouted to “SHUT MY MOUTH”! (1. That means to shut ALL of our mouths. 2. 2ND amendment is the freedom of speech and expression, but however we are only allowed to listen/ be silenced by an adult/whoever person is in charge. 3. practically none of us these days shut our mouths when our teachers/parents silence us! 4. She only said these things because she has nothing to back up that she is right and her ENTIRE table is wrong). Plus, there are several witnesses that can safely say that she is not doing her job. She says “I forget SOMETIMES” (1. she said SOMETIMES 2. It is her responsibilities to remember to clean such a mess she BY herself makes [honestly, the other girls messes which are barely any is 5x smaller than Sara’s crumbs] and she does not realize that all those crumbs need to be cleaned up! 3. There is a GIANT bulletin board at the Cafeteria entrance with a chart showing who cleans their table on what day. It clearly states Sara C, cleans on Thursday for table 1F. In fact, she got so mad that knocked down my orange juice on one of my friend’s lap! How RUDE! While the other girls fuze at Sara to clean up “her” mess and Rachel ligit told Sara to go f*** herself away from future regrets ( I was impressed because she rarely cusses), I lost it and told the closest teacher. I thought we could calmly the entire table talk it out but if Especially got onto the VIOLENT level I didn’t even hesitate to not try to calm her down. Apparently, Sara, and ONLY SARA told the story and the teacher said this “Ok, so now we are on the “right” page, ok Chantel, you will clean the table today, and don’t forget to clean on Thursdays ok, Sara?” The rest of the 4 students (including I) tried to argue because all four sides of the story was the same, but DIFFERENT than Sara’s. She shushed us and we couldn’t argue there. before we headed for our lockers about 10 mins after freezing outside, the 4 of us tried to explain to the teacher our point (8 eyes) of our view. She barely even bothered to listen and shooed us to our next class, and she was the GUIDANCE COUNSELOR! HELP!

Stefani

April 15th, 2017 at
8:56 AM

I yell a lot when I have an argument with my boyfriend. We’ve been living together for couple of months now, and I can see that we are fighting more, and it always ends up with me yelling. I really want to stop yelling at him, and try to get my point across on a different more effective way. I noticed that I start yelling when I feel like he isn’t listening to me ,and I want him to listen and engage in a conversation, in order to solve our problems. And when I notice this, I lose all control and just start yelling. I don’t know how to stop this, and I really want to. because then me and my boyfriend could have more productive conversations for fixing our problems.
I feel like I am abusing him by yelling at him, and I really hate myself for that.
Please help

The GoodTherapy.org Team

April 15th, 2017 at
9:24 AM

Dear Stefani,

If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

Nikki

Mr. G

April 27th, 2017 at
10:10 PM

So , I have not totally snooped through my live in girlfriend of 5yrs whom we are very serious in our relationship withs phone, but if I see there’s a call or something happens where I pick up her phone and see shes got a good amount of dialog with another man, a conversation or messages back and forth that I was completely unaware of , do I have the right to ask about the relationship between the two. Now I do not read the messages just noticed the amount of dialog. In more than one instance has this question came up. Her reply or rebuttal always begins defensive to the point of screaming and getting so upset she accuses me of trust issues and turns it quickly around on me as if the way I asked her was inappropriate or mean or rude. Now going in , I know its going to get a reaction out of her so I purposely ask calmly. Her responces in the manner of yelling and defensiveness immediately make me feel shes hiding something or lying . Or worse. What do you think.

Roby's sad wife

July 2nd, 2017 at
2:26 AM

This is my husband. This is our 15th year. He’s constantly angry to anyone and anything. First it was him to yell and throw things. I was the crying one. Then I have started to yell too.. No solution. I have called many times police telling them that I love him but I do not know how to stop him. They’ve kept him away from me for 5 days and let him have a short therapy about his behaviour. This was 10 years ago. No one changes. I have tried and still trying different ways to lead our discussion to different ends. No hope. He’s extremely angry, gets irritated & offended from anyone. This morning he threw the bacon on the floor. Last week it was a pair of shoes (my shoes) flying in the air… I really have no hope….. I am exhausted.. very very tired. I want to live in peace… The problem is, I have no where else to go. I see no end. I can’t find the energy for the plans and projects in my head. My life seems getting wasted for following an angry guy. I’m 43. No child, thanks god no child. It would be a nightmare having a child with such a man. You’ll ask me why I’m still with him. I don’t know. He’s a good man with horrible behaviour. And I feel extremely tired… I really do not know what to do… I have followed the alternative steps mentioned above and other creative ways to answer him to calm him down. Sometimes they’ve worked too. But he doesn’t stop…

Ralph Z.

July 10th, 2017 at
12:49 PM

what is with all the yelling, I can hear you. a few year back I came close to killing a man for yelling at me. it happened at work. this man started yelling at me. I just snapped and I started in beating this man to death. I had this man alone in my office, although I did have a witness, who saw this man yelling at me. if I am going to jail, I am going to kill this man. I backed him into a corner, and started going to work on him. I wanted to beat this man’s face raw. the man droped to the floor. this man had a reputation as being someone who yells at people. he had been reprimanded for his yelling at people in the past. he had a. I don’t know what it is, I can hear you, why do you need to yell. don’t people realize, that when I am yelled at I don’t to them, because when something is loud, I turn down the volume. the next time this happens I will be filing a law suit against. the owners of the company that were good to me. I am 60 years old, for some reason some people feel that I am hard of hearing and I need to be yelled at. I have perfect hearing, I can hear you perfectly well. except after a good yelling at, that this person feels, I deserve. I don’t know what it is that people feel I need to be yelled at. other than the ringing in my head from all the yelling, my hearing is perfect. when I ask them to tone it down, their reply is, ” I wouldn’t have to yell if you would do what I tell you to do. “

syl

December 5th, 2017 at
8:50 AM

sounds like my bf at work, he got told to relax or told to move on to another job cause the boss could not deal with his behavior… Sorry to hear you have to go threw that. baire in mind that they bring their anger home. Yeah there is always a little lady that pay the price (doormat) all they seek is control any situation. Cause lack of self control. Its like vomit coming out of their mouth, you never seen coming, now you are stuck cleaning it up

syl

December 5th, 2017 at
8:29 AM

I was raised with a yelling, abusif adopted mother, i had 2 fail relationships cause of yelling , physical abuse. I am working on a relationship that after 10 years he started yelling and picking apart what i do , eating, arguing with me at the doctors office, the doctor picking his side, because he is the loudest. I feel scared again, he does know about my complex ptsd cause the abuses i suffer as a child. Yet he uses a yelling match and calls me a idiot. my self esteem that i tried to rebuild is going down the drain. I have to do what i am told otherwise i make him angry. I do this to him
I am exhausted and every time i think about it or talk. iam shaking like leaf

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

syl

December 6th, 2017 at
9:50 AM

thanks for reply, yes we are aware we need therapies , the last convo was i should know when he is frustrated and angry. then i should stop talking. the problem i have with that is. When i talk to him he feels the need to fix it. i am mirle just having a conversation o i can make an informed decision. If i try to explain why his solution might not apply here. or even out of my comfort zone. that is it he yell and discussion. I told him i was no longer talking about my problem. that way he wont be angry. I cant believe i am back to when i was a child. to watch what i do or say? I ask he can get so angry? His answer was you push me that far, so i have to get angry and leave. I told him i dont go around and say to myself how can i get him angry at me. I try to stand up for myself established boundary. But i m so bad at it. I rather go back and be submissive. my sanity is on the line. I suffer from dissociation. I am sure my mind will find a peaceful place. He does have an history of anger and pure stranger he has a bossy and tell them how to do their job, criticizing the chef waiters. signs are posted everywhere, aggressive behavior and language is not tolerated. he got told many time to get out. He got a ticket for stunt driving, he was so ****ed and he would not calm down. he kind of got away , blame it on forgetting his meds. He told me I dont understand anger management program. He doesnt like to see mistreated women and even cry about it. Yet he is well on his way to do just. I love this man i seen a lot of good in him. I can no longer help him. And i let the public deal. i am sure, sadly he will pay a terrible price. if he does stop the erratic behavior

Robin Sharma

September 15th, 2018 at
4:27 AM

Hi
Great article. I tried reading all the comments to see if the situation I am in has been answered or not. My situation is little different than others. I don’t know if this is an issue with me its natural for anyone. I am sort of a person who says sorry just to resolve the issue even if my mistake is there or not. So even if someone is shouting or yelling at me privately, I really don’t mind. But the moment anyone starts shouting in the public, I feel that something is killing me. My mind just stops thinking. I feel as if the whole world is laughing on me. Even though I try pacifying the other person for sometime, but if it doesn’t stops I just go inside my shell like a tortoise. My wife though a very good lady knows about my behavior. Before our marriage I had told her that whatever be the situation or misunderstanding, we can always sit, talk and discuss the same and resolve it between us. Just don’t shout because then instead of discussing and resolving the issue, I tend to get aggressive or behave abnormally. Initial days were good but now she has made yelling her habit. I tell her that I don’t like the way she talks because that looses the situation to be discussed but then she shouts more. If I ask her to calm down, she raises her voice more until I go inside my shell. Off lately her yelling has increased a lot, often yelling at top of her voice. I have tried numerous ways to make her understand that this is ruining our relationship but she doesn’t seems to understand. I have 4.5 year old son. I had asked her not to do this atleast in front of him because this will induce fear in him as well and not sure what he will think about me. I don’t want to show my man power by shouting back on her or hurting her physically. But I have realized I am loosing my patience often becoming aggressive myself. Not only with her but with others as well. Whenever I feel someone is trying to getting on top of me, I tend to push him hard.
I know she is good lady. Taking care of me and my son. I have option to just end the relationship but I know this won’t be good for my son. he likes us to be together. But this situation is killing me from inside. What to do?

Robin S.

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

September 17th, 2018 at
11:08 AM

Great question. Well, it’s dynamic in which both of you play a role. Counseling can help you each determine the role(s) you play, and show you how to create a different pattern of interaction that reduces or eliminates the yelling.

Adeline E

June 15th, 2019 at
10:53 AM

what can i do to get my husband to talk to me? he don’t talk to me he yells at me.even if he talks first he yells. when i try to respond im cut off. i’m afraid to ask for anything because i will be told its stupid.. everything is stupid to him

Jim Hutt, Ph.D.

June 17th, 2019 at
6:57 AM

Adeline,

If he refuses to talk. there is no point in trying to make him talk. Same goes for the yelling–you cannot get him to stop that, either. So, the real question is this: What are you going to do for yourself, given this situation is too painful to live with for the rest of your life? That can be a very scary and difficult question to ask, and might best be approached in your own individual counseling.

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