Thursday, 1 May 2014

Conversations

Silence is a very safe space.

Silence is something that's easy to achieve but silence is a mock friend. It is impossible to build bridges out of silence. Similarly only listening and commenting on what everyone is doing with their lives is equally one sided and isolating.

So what are these things called group conversations. How on earth do they work. I find them terribly confusing but am determined to persevere.

Recently I realised a great longing to be connected to people, however, I have not got much training in the correct ways of making this happen. The following are some of the formulas I have tried to work it all out.

1. Just be yourself.

This however didn't work as I struggle with multiple 'selves/ voices/ triggers' and therefore am not singular. This means I'm not able to trust myself or predict my own behaviour. The resulting confusion is just not worth trying to deal with as well as getting to know groups.

2.Wait & listen.

Hear what people are saying. They mentioned elephants - remember something I know about elephants and wait for a gap in the voices to add my gem of a story.

Problem is these days are that people often don't have gaps; so I end up talking over others, in the end a panic battle starts in my mind as to whose going to be listened to most. Having started talking at the same time as another, I shrivel up internally as I hear my voice getting louder and louder.

3. Start a topic of conversation myself.

Problem is that this usually turns into an epic monologue in which no one else is involved.

As the monologue turns into a monstrous cancer, which I get bored of myself, I see others getting bored, panic, speak more, introduce more subjects and then panic liberally ( it's like a sheet getting tangled in the washing machine totally undefinable). This often ends with a moment of awkward silence and someone else starts a new conversation.

4. Join a conversation.

Waiting for the appropriate gap and then get so surprised people are listening and totally forget what I'm saying. (The dreaded silent gap attack). 'They are listening, what am I saying? what have I said? Did I say it right, do they understand? Oh no am I still talking? What if I dont make sense!' All of this is internally digested through my brain which paralyses speach or movement externally.

In short, I understand conversations are supposed to be a shared bonding affair but just don't seem to manage to have them or know how to have them without being what I perceive as dominating.

It's seems I only have two modes which are to be silent or smother. I will keep going though with
determined belief. My brain will think it is fully possible to learn how to do 'conversations' and I thank those who truly know me and walk with me through this hopefully 'coming out' of silence V smother existence.