Sunday, October 8, 2017

The Worst Movie Ever Made

So last night Anna, Emily, Skylar, and I decided that since it was one of the final "good" weekends of the year in Salt Lake City, we would take advantage of the weather. I'm not kidding you about my town right now. It is unbelievably gorgeous. Not to get all basic white girl on you, but I love me some Autumn. I'm like totes pumpkin spice lol rofl leggings warm fire hot cocoa about it and I like totes pumpkin spice don't care.But this year is extra beautiful. I think it's because we had such a wet winter season last year and that led to a greener spring and summer, which means a more colorful fall. Check it out. This is from my run up Emigration Canyon with some friends.

This is from a hike in Butterfield Canyon.

And this is Skylar and Duncan on that hike. You can tell that Duncan was really into it.

The point is, pretty.And so Emily had this great idea that we should have a movie night out on my patio for a little Saturday night get together. My patio is a cozy little spot and Anna and Emily have a projector and speakers so from time to time in the summer we get together and do this while Duncan runs around in circles on the grass behind us like a demon dog trying to summon evil spirits. They showed up and we started brainstorming movie ideas. We pretty quickly agreed that we all wanted to watch an angsty teenage 80s movie because those are truly the best kind. And that's when Skylar said two words that completely changed our lives forever."Teen Witch."None of us had ever seen Teen Witch, including Skylar. But he was sure he had heard of it and it seemed to meet our criteria AND be appropriate for Halloween.So we downloaded it.You guys.You guys.Have you seen Teen Witch? You haven't? Clear your schedule for the week. Cancel all of your meetings. Don't feed your children. Nothing is more important than you taking the time to watch Teen Witch. It is, beyond doubt, without any qualifications, the worst execution of any artistic endeavor in the history of all humanity.AND I'M EVEN INCLUDING THIS IN THAT STATEMENT.I've seen bad movies before. I've seen movies that are so bad that they're actually kind of good. But I still get a little bored watching them.Not Teen Witch. Teen Witch is so incredibly atrocious that it is the most entertaining thing I've ever encountered. The New York Post reviewed it and said this: "There are good movies, there are bad movies, there are movies that are so bad they're good and then there is Teen Witch -- a cult classic that defies classification thanks to a curious combination of songs, spells and skin."Let me try to explain the plot of this movie to you.

A teenage girl just wants to be popular and get Brad, the dreamy heartthrob at school, to fall in love with her. One day she encounters a tiny fortune teller who informs her that the girl is actually a witch and that on her 16th birthday "strange things will start happening."The girl has the world's creepiest little brother. THIS creepy little brother:

Anyway, she turns 16 and suddenly when she wishes things they actually happen. Like when she wishes Brad would look at her and so he does.Then there's this exceptionally long locker room dance sequence that has nothing to do with the story of the movie, does not involve any of the main characters, and is never referenced again:

The teen witch starts using her powers to humiliate the teacher she hates, to help the teacher she likes meet an Italian man and immediately quit her job and go travel the world with him that very same day, and to get Brad to fall in love with her.

She also helps her friend have the skills to to have a rap off with a guy the friend likes (we only find out about the crush at the beginning of this scene and then it is never revisited for the remainder of the movie). And the rap off scene is a true masterpiece. If you are skipping over the video clips in this post, at least do yourself a favor and watch this one. TWENTY TIMES.

Eventually teen witch realizes that what she really wants is to be the most popular girl in school so the mentor witch from the beginning gives her the spell to do so, which requires her to go to a concert and get the lead singer woman to give her an article of clothing and then she has to wear it while spinning around in her room counterclockwise at 45 RPMs, uttering the magic words.

It totes works and she is suddenly so popular that you can hear other girls wishing they were her as she walks by them.

Then Brad, who previously had a perfectly nice girlfriend, which girlfriend suddenly disappears and is never again mentioned, takes teen witch to this weird abandoned house and there is a close-up five-minute make-out scene and it is so uncomfortable that I'm not going to post the video here because I don't want you to go through what I went through.

Finally there's a dance and teen witch decides that she doesn't actually want to be the most popular girl because she can't tell if Brad only likes her because of the magic so after an excessively-long lazily-choreographed dance sequence she throws her magic necklace (it's never clear why she needed this because she seemed to be able to perform magic without it) to the side of the school gym and then Brad comes over and dances with her and they start making out again I think and then the credits roll.

64 comments:

I want to see Teen Witch so bad.I watch a fair amount of MST3K and Rifftrax so I've seen some bad movies there. Carnival of Souls was definitely bad (that was most recent - it has Saltair in it). That one with Bigfoot in it was bad but I could at least somewhat follow the plot (kinda; also the title has nothing to do with Bigfoot so I can't remember what it's called). Troll 2 is bad but in a special way, the kind where I've taken a pilgrimage to Porterville dressed as Creedence and thrown popcorn around, and also haven't seen the Rifftrax of it.

I hope you're mostly kidding, and/or you and Eli have some weird grammar-nazi understanding because ... Kinda rude. I love the way Eli writes. Keep on with the run-on sentences, Eli. (PS I didn't even notice them because I was way into this post. Because Teen Witch.)

Yes, Eli and I have a long history online LOL he once declared a comment of mine as the funniest ever on stranger. I will never forget the joy I felt that day. And I post my real full name as a passive aggressive jab at those of you who post as Anonymous. I can get snarky but I own it.

The girl in the locker room dance scene, the one that starts first in the black pants...who is she?!? I am sure she is 'somebody' and I should know who but I can't place her. She either acted in something or actually attended my high school...in the 80's. And for your information, we randomly danced in the girls' locker room ALL THE TIME in the 80's, so at least that part is so very realistic. Or not.

The rap scene. Thanks for making me watch that, I may never get over it. But at the end, how did their bikes wind up on the other side of the boys? They were approaching the boys from the back of the car...she raps and walks toward the front of the car...where Teen Witch is waiting with their bikes heading away from the car, like she walked them both past the rap battle while it was going on. Obviously she would have been too mesmerized to do that. I'm terrible at finding continuity errors and bloopers in shows, but this was so glaringly obvious to me. Was it more magic? Was the lip syncing that was nowhere near matching the words because of magic? Is everything nonsensical in the movie to be blamed on magic?!?

Those are just to start. I have many more. Is there some kind of a Wikipedia that answers these questions? I can't even imagine watching the whole thing, so don't try to make me. I'll choose running circles in the yard with Duncan rather than subject myself to that torture.

I tried looking at the cast list on IMDb, but most of the dancers don't have bio pictures, so it's hard to know which one is Black Pants Girl. But a couple of the girls were on Kids Incorporated, so maybe that's where you've seen her?

I also learned that Rita Wilson, aka Mrs. Tom Hanks, is a dancer in this movie. I rewatched the locker room dance but couldn't tell which one was her.

I have no idea who Black Pants Girl is, but Kids Incorporated?! Usually whenever I mention that show people look at me like I've grown an extra head. No one has ever heard of it and quite often think I am talking about Saved By the Bell. I thought I was the only one who ever watched Kids Incorporated.

I liked it, although I was only 3 or 4 when it was on TV, so it didn't always hold my interest for a long time. I mostly remember that Jennifer Love Hewitt was on it. She just went by Love, and I thought it was so cool that her name was Love.

Ok, I mentioned this conversation to my husband, and he also remembered watching Kids Incorporated, and then we just spent 9 minutes watching a YouTube video of every seasons'opening credits. Black Pants Girl was not on Kids Incorporated, but Fergie from Black Eye Peas was for several seasons! Also, I'm now experiencing 80s overload and feel the need to dig out a scrunchie and apply an entire can of hairspray to my bangs.

I watched the same 9 minutes on YouTube! I was probably around 10 and I always wished we had a cool kids club like that. Side note, my son found my 9th grade school picture (1990) and did not believe our bangs really were that big.

I watched it when I was in high school. It was on TV and I'd always assumed I'd missed the beginning because I was so confused about what was happening the whole time. Now I'm beginning to think that I did, in fact, see the whole thing. But I do randomly sing the parts of Top That that I can remember, and that has certainly enriched my life.

Ishtar and All About Steve are the two worst movies I think I've ever seen. All About Steve was in the "so bad, it's funny" category. And my friend and I quote it all the time. Ishtar was also so bad that it was funny but I think only because my family can make the watching of any movie funny.

Going Bananas. It stars Dom DeLuise and an actor in a bad monkey suit (the exposed zipper is distracting). (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093098/) At one point, Dom says he's "dying of quench!" and that is when we lost it and decided it was our favorite bad movie.

The Tuxedo with Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt: "Rug-burns are sexy".

And my favorite: Dark Waters- "Unusually vicious and aggressive sharks attack an oil rig in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Dane Quatrell and a team are sent to investigate, but the sharks are still on the prowl and now they have developed a taste for human blood." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0391908/?ref_=nv_sr_7At the end, after being attacked by sharks, they suddenly decide that they were searching for Atlantis, which was never previously mentioned.

I am not going to lie, after I read the part about skipping over the video clips I had to make sure that I do not, in fact, have a webcam that you can see me through. I don't and you can't. (I am still not entirely convinced about my cell phone though.) To make up for it, I am going to watch all the clips...at work...with the sound on. Living dangerously. Stay strange!

The Room is another cult movie you should totally check out. The Disaster Artist - James Franco, Dave Franco, Paul Scheer and Seth Rogan is their attempt to recreate movie that will be coming out this December.

Teen Witch is Blake Lively's older sister! Also, I use to pretend to be Teen Witch and have been signing "I'm going to be the most popular girl" line if the song on repeat while reading this post... While picturing myself skipping, dancing, and spinning while wearing a jean jacket... I mean, I'm working. Stop looking at me!!!

Yeah...I saw this on TV when I was a teen in the 80s, I think it was an HBO original movie. I didn't realize it was so dumb until seeing the clips you shared. There was another witch movie around the same time, "The Worst Witch" that was a little better. The bulk of the movies made in the 80s were pretty terrible...Top Secret with Val Kilmer comes to mind. As does High Spirits and Once Bitten--all of which are good to watch this time of year. Or not. I don't remember. The 80s was a LONG time ago. :-)

But HAVE you seen Killer Klowns from Outer Space or Mothra? Or pretty much any movie that has been done by Rifftrax? Speaking of Rifftrax they are doing Night Of The Living Dead for their Halloween live show this year, I can't wait. https://www.rifftrax.com/live

Hoodwinked 2. My family and I loved the first one, but my husband and I saw the sequel on our first date, and I wanted to love it, but it was just awful. Luckily the date ended up being better than the movie.

The disaster that is "Cabin Boy" blows "Teen Witch" out of the water. I swear during water scenes you could see the parking lot lines under the water. It makes me shudder to this day to think of the time I spent (ahem... in the theater) watching that horrendous movie.

I have loved Teen Witch since I was a wee thing and used to rent it on VHS. From a video store (before Blockbuster, even). I own the DVD. I have the soundtrack. And FYI, somebody turned it into a concept musical that almost made it to Broadway. REALLY. (I have that soundtrack, too.) Nothing has ever been so unapologetically, profusely, extreme 80's, and I love them for every last can in every last case of hairspray it took to get their hair (especially Robyn Lively's - I don't think it ever truly recovered) to do what it does.

The rap-off? The awkwardest, cringeiest BEST. The little brother who turns into a dog? The awkwardest, cringeiest WORST. Brad's the dreamiest, Ken-doll-est hearthrob ever, and if you don't love the stiff, super-dramatic opening fantasy sequence then don't even bother with the rest. You can't handle it.

Looks like this weekend it's time for a double feature with Xanadu and Teen Witch. WINNING.

Ok, ok, if you like older movies at all, you've got to see The Brain That Wouldn't Die. It's a good one. It's a 60s horror movie. One of the best lines from the movie is this: "She has the second best body I've ever seen." It's basically horrible and odd, but I love it so much.

I haven’t watched Teen Witch. If life takes a downward turn, maybe I’ll check it out. A Walk In The Clouds is the worst movie I’ve ever watched. I can’t even begin to describe it. If you ever want someone to leave early, pop that movie in.

I have seen it... several times. Growing up, I used to rap the "top that" scene. Looking back, shit, I was so cool. This movie is gawd awful, and so entertaining. If you really want a night of shit classics... watch Death Becomes Her.

Definitely Manos: The Hands of Fate is the worst movie I've seen. If you're looking for that Halloween season awful horror/thriller. I even watched the whole thing because, idk. I don't like what that says about me as a person.

I HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE!! One day some friends and I went to the Salt Lake City library with the intention of finding and renting "the worst movie possible". We ultimately decided on this one, and I'm oh so glad we did. Que some of the most wonderful, bewildering moments of my life. Teen girl is awkward and uncool- gains magic- becomes super popular with hot boyfriend- gives up magic- stills get to keep gifts of popularity and boyfriend! But really, the only scene I remembered before this recap was the locker room dance, which cannot be forgotten. I am beyond thrilled to see this movie featured on Stranger.

Rubin and Ed is the worst movie I've ever seen. It's different from other terrible movies because it stars Crispin Glover and Howard Hesseman, who are both pretty good actors. My gag reflex kicks in every time I think about it.

But I enjoyed the scenes from Teen Witch. My husband loves Xanadu (like, he legit thinks it's great cinema) so I'm scared to show him this one. I agree that dancing in the locker room (complete with optical illusion tricks) was a thing in the '80s. We just couldn't help ourselves because we looked so hot in those leotards and perms.

I HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE!! One day some friends and I went to the Salt Lake City library with the intention of finding and renting "the worst movie possible". We ultimately decided on this one, and I'm oh so glad we did. Que some of the most wonderful, bewildering moments of my life. Teen girl is awkward and uncool- gains magic- becomes super popular with hot boyfriend- gives up magic- stills get to keep gifts of popularity and boyfriend! But really, the only scene I remembered before this recap was the locker room dance, which cannot be forgotten. I am beyond thrilled to see this movie featured on Stranger.

Joe vs. the Volcano (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099892/) is AWFUL and closely rivaled by The Burbs (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096734/) Both have Tom Hanks which is really odd since I like him as an actor (That Thing You Do? anyone???)

Sorry, but the worst movie ever made is so bad there is actually a movie coming out soon about the making of that movie and it is expected to actually be nominated for awards. Like Oscar awards. The worst movie ever made is called The Room and the movie about making The Room is called The Disaster Artist and I super totes can't wait for it.