1.18.2008

What A Day

I had plans with my girlfriends today. One friend picked me up and we headed to a central point where we all met up for lunch. I was looking forward to chatting girl talk and just hanging out. Which we did. But I wasn't exactly present today. I dunno what was on my mind, but I couldn't stay focused on the purpose of this get together. I kept catching little blurbs of the conversations taking place, but my mind was wandering...a lot. Even my favorite people-watching activity was a bit stunted. I saw the people walking by, but couldn't focus on their activities like I usually do. One friend brought her darling little boy, but he'd had enough of sitting quietly while we ate lunch. I didn't blame him. I just wasn't into it today like I normally am. But, her son, as darling as he is, is 2 1/2. He likes to run around and play. He likes to hear himself laugh, and after he finished his pancakes, he was totally through...and expected us to be as well. As he screamed and loudly complained, I watched my girlfriend start to stress and get fed up with her son's behavior. I could tell that she wasn't happily relaxing, but was at a point of not knowing what to do to quiet and calm her son. I tried to help by taking him for a walk and giving him something else to keep him busy, but that's when he decided he needed his momma. She is the light of his world. He trusts her, he knows he is safe with her, and he was having NONE of auntie Tera. So, as he screamed for momma running down the hall, I felt disappointed I couldn't release my girlfriend of her responsibilities for just 10 minutes. To let her gather her wits in silence while finishing up her cappuccino. It is so hard being a mom. Nothing about it is easy. We're on command 24/7. Our little people bring us a lot of sunshine, but they also make us feel like the worst parents on the planet. Everyone feels this, and my girlie mate was no exception. She broke down in the store stating that she's a bad mom. Which she isn't. I see her with her son and I see this happy and energetic 2 year old and I know that any child that happy knows he is loved, cared for, and special. How can we measure up to the perfection we expect of ourselves as moms? How can we see ourselves as the loving, caring women our children ultimately see us as?We got home just in time to run Jari to the dentist. He had to have another tooth pulled. It was pure hell. As he screamed and cried in pain and panic, I looked into his terror, tear-filled eyes and felt nothing but guilt for allowing this to happen. I, too, was questioning myself as a mom. As I tried to assist the dentist in calming my son and holding his body still, my own eyes filled with tears. Being a mom is hard. We do the best we can to make our kiddies happy, to make them feel safe and loved, and yet there are always moments like today that claw these positives away from our relationship, from our hard work, and make us feel like a failure. Jari and I went to the bus station to catch the bus home, it being rainy and windy I didn't want to take the 25 minute walk, nor did Jari feel up to it. We had just missed the bus, by mere minutes. The next was nearly an hour wait. Kaeden would be home before us. WOuld he know enough to wait in our yard, like I always try to drive into his mind, just in case? As Jari and I headed to the cafe for a special treat of coffee out with mama for his bravery (and sine we had an hour wait in the rain) I was concerned about Kaeden. But enjoyed my little outing with my little boy, something we don't often do. He was pleased with our conversation and enjoyed reading the menu to me. My little guy can read. Wow!When we finally got on the bus, after 4 number 8's (which we needed) passed us by and made my nerves even more frayed, there were few free seats. However, that came from all the teenagers sprawling all out, with their bookbags and feet taking all the chairs. There were 4 setas together in which one girl claimed all. I asked if we could have a seat and waited for her to move her stuff. SHe just looked at me but didn't make a move to remove her belongings. I did it for her, pushing her dirty shoes off the seat in which I would sit, and throwing her backpack on the seat next to her. After I sat back down, she returned her foot to the edge of my seat. I didn't say anything, because I was boiling and didn't want to start a debate with someone so disrespectful. I told Jari that it wasn't nice not to share seats and that everybody has a right to sit on the bus. She knew what I meant. But I wanted to stand up to her, this little brat of a teen that had too big an attitude. Why couldn't I just do it? Why would I let a little brat like that content with this mama bear?I got home, Kaeden was home. I hugged him and he shrugged off my hug. He was uptight that we weren't here. After calming him down by explaining the situation, I made him a sandwich. I then realized that he was in a bit more of a state than I first thought. He was wound up and I could tell that one wrong step was going to be a meltdown. I stayed calm, he remained somehwat calm until I told him to get ready for his doc appointment. He wasn't having any of it. Not going! was his only feedback. But, he finally did manage to get ready after he heard Papa beeping for him outside...without an incident, without any fight, without nasty language or hot tears. Being a mama is hard work. Walking on eggshells is also a lot of hard work, and that's kinda what it feels like being a mama some days.

So, now I have the weekend before me. Lots of plans. Plans, being a mama, doing mama stuff, and getting rewarded with little more than a kiss at the end of the night...a kiss which tells me all I need to know. I am doing okay. My kids love me. But wow, being a mama is hard work. I bet the mama of that disrespectful little Beeyotch on the bus knows it too. And so does my girlfriend with the two year old.

4 comments:

Tera it is very hard work... I never realized how hard parenting would be. Some days are good and somedays are bad. Today was bad for me due to the lack of sleep and Harry being so tired and also a bit sick... I can't handle it when he cries and screams and I get so frustrated and I don't know what to do without getting angry at him. I wish I could calm him down but once he is in a state there is no stopping him. It exhausts me mentally and I feel at times that I don't exist anymore, that Amanda is gone and I am just Harry's mother... I miss being Amanda and I long for the day when I can go out and enjoy linch with friends and browsing in the shops without all the hassle that I sometimes have to endure. I love Harry dearly and I would do anything for him, I just wish he would listen more often to me, but as you said today when you were comforting me, he is just a baby and he doesn't know any better yet. When I was younger I always dreamed of having heaps of kids, but with one I find it so hard sometimes and it does make me feel like I could not cope with more than one. For now Harry is enough for me, he brightens my day when he hugs me and kisses me, he makes me laugh with the funny things he says and does and he makes me feel special that I am his mother and he loves me in return, I just wish there were more of those types of days compared to the days when you don't even get a moments peace to think or just be yourself. I guess what I am trying to say or what I do realize is... that although kids are hard work I could not imagine my life without Harry... and I can't wait until he is out of this terrible two's stage.

Thank You so much for being there for me today when I had my mini break down... I just got so upset all of a sudden I cou'ldn't keep it in any longer. You are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother and most of all a wonderful loving friend.

It's SO hard sometimes, this parenting adventure. Some days we fall in to bed, smiling ear to ear with the blessedness of it all, and some nights, it's all we can do not to drink that SECOND bottle of wine on the counter and wallow in our inadequacies. In the end, we can only hope that somewhere along the line everything will fall in to place, and all our worries, our fears and our dreams will roll themselves in to a tight little balanced ball and like some magical fairy tale, everyone will live happily after all.

Baby, all we can do is our best. If we love with all our heart, what better gift can we offer our wee ones? The rest is gravy.

About Me

Mom, Wife, Daughter, Friend...I could be called each of them, sometimes apart, sometimes simultaneously. Foremost, I am a 40-something woman born in Wisconsin, growing up in the Wyoming wilderness, and transported to Europe after finding my life partner in a wonderful man I now call my husband. Our two boys, 16 year old Kaeden and 9 year old Jari, keep me busy and alive. We are a family of autism, and if trying to discover how to live peacefully with autism; it is not only my greatest downfall, but my greatest success.