(Quotes from the TV Show)Ken: I wish I'd bought me pumps John, I'm struggling in me cubansKen: He goosed me Mary John (about his dog Kirsty): She gets on me nerves actually, she sits on the TV Quick and scampers with her paws, it cockles the paper. You know it rumples it, the other day she ruined a nice picture of Eamon HolmesJohn: Here's a dry floral display that Mary's very proud of, and justifiably so

(Quotes from the book 500 Bus Stops)John explaining about the aquarium: At that time, the aquarium shut at two. (It’s shut all the time now but there you go.)John: ...to cheer myself up, I decided to walk down to the war memorial John: (the greatest thing ever written) I could see this bloke coming towards me, and he had his arms folded tightly across his chest. Blimey, I thought, he’s doing some ju-jitsu – and I hurriedly prepared myself for combat. However, as he got closer, I realised that what I thought were his arms were in fact two fawn stripes on his anorak. His hands were by his side clicking out a little rhythm. He seemed quite a nice lad actually, and it’s a shame he didn’t want to stop and discuss the misunderstanding.John about his nephew: Liam’s nearly five, but he’s still not talking. He says ‘Me hungry’. You know, he’s like a caveman. John: The Earth may be dying, but there’s still some lovely people knocking about. John asking Ken if he can hypnotise him: ‘I’m sorry, John. I’m going to have to go and sit upstairs.’

‘Well, all right, that’s a good idea. Let me come with you, Ken. Yes there’ll be better views for us up there – more relaxing.’

‘No, John. I’m going alone. I don’t feel safe with you.’

‘Now you’re being offensive, Ken. I’d like you to leave please.’

John and Ken: (the best bit of dialogue ever) ‘You failed to tell the readers to clean their tape heads before commencing the recording session – and the best method of doing this.’

‘Oh, that’s easy, John. You just take a cotton rag, douse it in soapy water, and then rub-‘

‘Erm, excuse me, Ken! I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to stop you right there, because that’s exactly what you don’t do, Ken. You don’t do that to your tape heads, do you?’

‘I do, John.’

‘I can’t believe it, Ken. Who told you to do that?’

‘I can’t remember, John. Somebody.’

‘They’re crazy. You know, you’ll damage the equipment if you do that.’

‘No, you won’t.’

‘You will, Ken. If I’d have known that you were going to say that I wouldn’t have asked you to present the item.’

‘I’m sorry, John. What should you do then?’

‘You should use isopropyl alcohol and cottonbuds.’

‘Oh! Well, nobody told me that, John. Nobody told me!’

Oh dear, readers! I’ve had to take a little break to get over the shock of what Ken just said. I can’t believe it. I’m not sure he can either. He left the premises a couple of minutes ago looking ever so sheepish, and shaking a bit. He seemed genuinely shocked that he got it wrong – but he did, didn’t he? He was very wide of the mark there.