First up in sauce news (which seems to be a thing, now, going by the number of stories today), McDonald’s has ended their 40-year relationship with Heinz, including Heinz ketchup. The good news is, it’s totally for a rational and understandable reason: Heinz appointed former Burger King CEO Bernado Hees as their new chief executive. See? Totally normal! Honestly, if you’re reading this from inside the States, you won’t even notice – they only use Heinz ketchup in Minneapolis and Pittsburgh anyway. But if you’re reading this elsewhere in the world, get ready for store-brand tomato sauce.

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Next, we have the strange case of the suffocating Sriracha (we’re available for work-for-hire, Scooby Doo producers!). Maxim’s second favorite condiment has allegedly been choking the people of Irwindale, CA, where the magic hot stuff is produced. Residents have complained that the Sriracha factory is causing strong smells and “unbearable” tingling and burning sensations, which are actually our two favorite things about the sauce, although admittedly, those seem like less desirable qualities in oxygen. While we’re all for making sure that locals aren’t polluted out of their homes by production, if that factory closes down, we’re flipping tables.

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Finally, we reach Maxim’s favorite condiment of all time, mayonnaise. As much as we agree with slathering the delicious gunk on just about anything edible, even we draw the line at using it as a household cleanser, plant polish, or foot ointment, all things that this clearly insane woman suggests doing in this video that popped up on Huffington Post yesterday. If there is one thing in this universe that can put us off mayo, it’s the sight of someone smearing it between their child’s toes. Thank you so very much for ruining sandwiches forever, lady.