11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story

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10 Things to NEVER Say to Singles

April 27, 2013

I'm a big fan of reading the "yahoo" news when I go check my email. Today I found an article called "10 Things to Never Say to Singles." It was almost creepy how similar most of the points where parallel with things to never to say to women struggling with infertility. I'm posting the 7 that totally connected and my thoughts.

I'm also posting a HILARIOUS video at the end of a woman saying all the things you SHOULDN't say to people struggling with IF (it's the first one on the left). There is humor is this mess. I have heard almost ALL of the stuff she says :)

1. "Why aren't you married?"
This question almost universally pushes single people's buttons. "Perhaps
the answer is 'none of your business,'" says *Grace from Detroit. In fact,
it's rude to assume singles are looking for a relationship.

#1 Infertility aka “You have been married for awhile, why don’t you have kids?”Many people ask us, "Do you guys want kids?" As they ask, flashbacks of shots, and failed pregnancy images, and egg retrievals and tears race through my head. I smile. "We really do someday." It's such an innocent question but man does it bring up a sting. Students are constantly asking me if I want kids. One student went as far as to tell me "just go home and have sex with your husband tonight." Lol. While her health teacher gets a gold star for scaring her into abstinence, it's not that easy.
2. "Have you tried online dating?"
True, people find relationships online. But this assumes your friend is
clueless and hasn't thought of it herself. "I can't tell you how many
people have suggested online dating like it's never been suggested
before," says *Idora from Boston.

#2 Infertility aka = “Have you considered adoption.”
We
are not clueless of our options.Most
people that so freely suggest adoption have never considered it themselves and
have no idea the costs and emotional risks that come with that (IE. birth
parents changing mind at last minute). OF COURSE we have talked about adoption. We are not clueless but we are most likely WAY more informed of the own risks of adoption.
3."You'll find the perfect guy when you're not looking."
This is a lose-lose comment. On one hand, this assumes your friend is on the
hunt when she may be content with single life. On the other hand, "This
comment is disempowering if your friend actually is seeking a
relationship," says Dr. Friedman. "It's the equivalent of saying,
'Just sit and wait for someone.'"

#3 Infertility aka=”When you stop trying it will happen.”GRRRRRRRRRRR.This is the most
angering. And just like the above point, it's disempowering. Since I actually have ovulation issues, it's like telling a cancer patient "stop trying and it will go away." I can't "just stop trying."

4. "What ever happened with [insert ex's name here]?"
This is one of the worst things you can say to your friend, according to
experts. "When a relationship ends, there's usually some degree of
sadness, even if your friend is the one who initiated the breakup," says
Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Find Your Soulmate Online in Six Simple
Steps. "Dredging everything back up is hurtful."

#4 Infertility aka= “sorry you had a miscarriage.At
least you know you can get pregnant.”In all honesty, I ever said this to myself after our first miscarriage. At least it implanted, at least it can work. But then with 2nd failed attempt the doctors started to wonder if we have genetic issues. Meaning maybe EVERYTHING will be a miscarriage. 1 miscarriage doesn't mean I now know 100% I can get pregnant and carry it to full term.

5. "You're so lucky to be single!"
Even if you're reminiscing about your own carefree days of singledom, no one
wants to hear this. "Just because I've never experienced marriage doesn't
mean I don't miss that experience or think of what it might mean to me,"
says Grace. "I'm sure people in a relationship think the independence of
being single is preferable at times. Yet singles have all the responsibilities
of life without someone to share them." #5 Infertility aka =“Enjoy your freedom without kids...do you want mine? (insert overbearing
laugh).”
I cannot tell you how painful it is to hear stupid things like "just wait till you have to change diapers" or with a screaming child in the room someone smiling and saying "you sure you want kids?" Infertile women LONG to hear a screaming child in the middle of the night. Period.

6. "If you'd get out there, you'd find someone."
"This rubs me the wrong way because you have no idea what I've tried or
how aggressive or passive I might be," says Grace.

#6 Infertility aka=“Have you considered IVF?My aunt’s
friend’s sister’s third cousin’s friend did it and had triplets!”
People that have kids easily don't realize that IVF isn't fool proof. I was told I had a 70% of it working and it didn't. IVF is the most aggressive attempt we can make at this dream but it doesn't mean it will always work.
7. "You should smile more/flirt more/wear your hair differently/wear more
makeup."
It's hard to imagine anyone finding these useful, but singles say they
frequently hear these rude suggestions. "It's smug to think that because
I'm single, I clearly am doing something wrong," says Idora.

#7 Infertility aka=“Have you tried putting your legs up after sex?Does your husband wear briefs?Read ‘Taking Charge of Your Fertility.’ Eat
pineapple core.Sacrifice an animal
(fine I added this one).The tough thing about this is that as humans we naturally want to help each other out. People just don't realize that by this point, I can have my 2nd master's degree in "HOW to get Knocked Up." Honestly, I know more than most non-infertile couples. Just because I'm married I don't consider myself a "dating expert." I just feel lucky. Just because you reproduced, I don't need 80 trillion suggestions. And I've tried it all. NO, my husband doesn't wear briefs or drink ever or go in hot tubs or get overheated and YES he eats lots of vitamin C. Yes, I keep my legs in the air as long as I can possibly bear it. Yes, I've read the book and a trillion websites . I have specialist telling me what to do. YES, I do acupuncture, I use PRE-Seed lubrication, I eat pineapple I avoid caffeine, I eat weird seeds and Chinese medicine. I've tried femera, clomid, IUIS, IVF, natural, OPKS. Am I making my point? ;)

"8. You're still young. You'll find someone."

#8 Infertility aka=you’re still young, you have plenty of time.
I am glad I'm 29. I'm glad the REs told me time was on my side. BUT my age doesn't guarantee anything or make me feel that much better.

9. "Maybe you're meant to be single."
You don't have a crystal ball any more than your friend does. "I want to
share my life with someone; I don't need to," says *Nicola in New York.

#9 Infertility aka=“Maybe it’s God’s will for you to not have kids.”
This is supposed to encourage me? If it's God's will for us to NEVER have biological children, I think He will let US know in our hearts and give us peace and love and desire towards adopting. We will be parents. God made the human body to reproduce and HE himself loves to create and put this burning desire in women to pro-create. I have peace God will lead us to His will, but please don't tell me this. It just brings me fear and pain.

All this is interesting to me because my "wait" to get married was very similar to my "wait" of becomming a mom. Same pain, same fear, same hope that seems so distant. To all my infertile friends, keep spreading the word and keep fighting. Hopefully there is a bit of humor in this post to get you to smile!

2 comments:

These 2 really do mirror each other. I was single until 34 so I went through that too. Nice being me! ;0The adoption one bothered me more than any of them. People don't understand just how hard that is too! Not to mention.. EXPENSIVE!

My Bucket List:

Meet the Bensons

Hi! I'm Holly and Darren is my husband. We have been married 5 years; after our 11th fertility treatment in 2013 we lost triplets (2 were stillborns in the 2nd tri). It nearly destroyed us. The day I delivered my son a friend emailed us and offered to carry some of our biological remaining embryos. The transfer was a success and we had twin boys born almost exactly a year-to-the-date later than when I delivered my son. If I'm not blogging about our journey, I'm teaching high school Spanish, drinking Starbucks, hanging out with family, eating candy-and then working it off at the gym. If you ever need to contact me directly you can at hollybenson10@yahoo.com or if you want to see more into our daily lives, my instagram is hbenson10

How Long We've Been At It:

JB

Babies in Heaven

We have had two miscarriages and 2 stillborns (born 3 weeks apart). I'm 50/50 on naming the early miscarriages but it gives me a sense of peace and reality of their lives. In heaven, I will call for them.

Jaden lost 11/2012 blighted ovum (my sister gave me the idea for this name, it means "God has heard" and he had because it was our 1st pregnancy)

Isaac lost 8/2013 everything was perfect and then stopped at 9 weeks (my sister is law gave me this idea. Isaac means "laughter" and everyone's first reaction to us having triplets was laughter)

Stillborn daughter born 10/30/13

Stillborn son Jude born @21 weeks 11/17/30

Infertility Treatment Journey

Me: 31 I have mild PCOS and ovulate very randomly (I respond to femera and on that have normal cycles)