This thread is meant to be for RANTS and RANTING. Then Rant again. We need a place to simply get rid of the anger. Write it here. Unleash it all. Get it out. This isn't meant for the Stupid comments(great thread). This is for the gut wrenching, tell them off anger.

Only rules: Please, follow them as the Mods will shut it down in a heartbeat( waving Mods)

1. Be careful to not mention docs, nurses, hospitals by name. Defamation and all that tedious legal stuff

2. If it's caused by someone on BCO, just don't mention their name. I think the exception will be if someone is stalking you, blow their anonymity wide open. A stalker doesn't deserve politeness.

3. If you think the rant is about you, let it go, they're no names. Don't take it personal. This is the steam room.

4. If they're is a fight, don't expect the Mods to moderate, it was your choice to come here.

5. After writing a rant, do nothing more, re-read at a future time. Decide if it's important enough for you to cut and paste the rant to whomever caused you the anger. It's a choice. Sometimes it needs to be done, but remember they're can be fall out.

6. ######## pound those keys, SCREAM(caps), J*&R$WSDF&(swear)

7. Religion and politics discussion should go to those topical threads. IF their is something that impacts cancer, it belongs here.

I will revise topic box as needed-sassy

For puking and the color works pukeewogh

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out shouting "holy crap....what a ride".

Viewfinder, unfortunately, as you get older, this is something that will happen more frequently. All we can do is love people while they're here and keep their memory alive when they're gone. I was at a service for a recently-deceased friend the other day. Today, I got one of those video "friendversaries" on Facebook. It freaked me out at first, then I realized she was letting me know she had made a safe landing, and that we are still friends even though she is ... elsewhere.

We all live and we all die... and we are very angry and sad when this and illness happens to lots of people all at once... and we are very stressed... and we are often terrified... me too to all of that. Cry, punch, scream and also breathe, be outside and LIVE.... some of us don’t have long. Why spend it being angry, sad etc

Everyone needs to vent and this is a good place to do it. At least here you can vent to those who really know what you are dealing with and not to someone who has never had cancer themselves. Even those who are well meaning really do not understand.

Sorry. Sorry. Gotta say it. Why in the name of god does anyone feel they have to hide their feelings of anger, pain, exhaustion, fear, WHATEVER, from the people in the house? Do you live in a house of stupid people? Too stunned to deal with an emotion? Are they emotionally and mentally crippled? Weak ethically? Dim-witted? Are they all pathetic and self centred and if you express something unpleasant or uncomfortable, will they all dissolve into useless puddles of gunk? When did it become your job to shield them from REAL LIFE? Because cancer is pretty friggin REAL LIFE. And real death. And all the real thoughts that go along with that. Cancer involves real treatment and real pain and real effects, lifelong and otherwise. And we should slink off to the shower to cry so no one can see our tears? OHMYGODICAN'TEVENBREATHERIGHTNOW!!!!

I will not be a martyr. There is no special place in heaven for martyrs. I will not be a liar. There is no place in heaven at all for liars. I am not going to mask anything so later my family members can feel that they failed me, a feeling that I prime and set them up for if I wander around like a mechanically smiling, tight lipped, agony filled bullshitter, spreading a thin veneer of "I've got this all together." No! No! This is an EVIL and UGLY thing to do to the people you love. Unless you don't actually love them. And you think of them as incredibly stupid and useless. And harbour the idea that being a long suffering saint will somehow save you. It won't. It just breeds a dragon in your house. A big, ugly, soul-sucking dragon that devours you all. It's called Unspoken Truths. It's called Not Saying How You Really Feel. It's called Pretending Everything Is OKay when Nothing Is. It is its own sickness. If you can't tell your kids and partners that you're scared and sad they can't tell you they're also scared and sad. Great dynamic! Real family closeness in that brittle, artificial, delicate, might break at any moment tightrope you're all walking - pretending nothing is wrong. When you can't talk to your family, they can't talk to you and that's how that cookie crumbles and if that is the aim ... then cry in the shower.

We don't spend all day every day walking around here boohooing that I had cancer. But when it gets me down, I don't pretend that I'm all happy happy fun joy. Why the fuck would I?! So my Hub gets to forget something that I myself NEVER frickin forget? Aww, wouldn't that be so selfless and loving of me? Sacrificial, really, to bear all the burdens on my own life. Well to hell with that! Sacrificial goats never came to a good end, sacrificial ANYTHING never came to a good end and no gods were ever appeased no matter how many children were hurled into lakes or burnt on altars. So ... DO NOT sacrifice yourself with fake silence and insincere smiles. Do not shuffle off to cry in the shower. Do not hide that you are mortal and afraid for your life, afraid of all that you will lose and miss out on if you die. Let your family KNOW that what you fear losing is them, them them. Let them see you cry. Let them see you be bitchy and unfocused. Then, when you get over it, because we all do, we have to, let them see that you carry on anyway. Or let them see you stay in bed. But for the love of god, LET IT BE REAL.

Edited to add: This rant is not aimed at any one person. This is not an attack against anyone individually. This is a rant against the idea that people have to keep a stiff upper lip and hold the family together by denying their own pain blah, blah, blah. But this is NOT directed at any person. It is this belief, idea, notion, phsychological mindset that I am raling against. Not any individual To be clear.

Runor---- Oh my, I love you. You say what I feel. I am single, I live alone. I don't have a husband or children. But I do have a sister and brother. I do try to stay strong, but there are days/times I tell it like it is. The pain, the sadness, that Yes I am stable now but that this is a terminal illness unless they find a cure. That I will probably not live to old age. The thing is, my family doesn't want to acknowledge it. They change the subject, or say " Come on you are going to live another 30 years", or they just plain shy away from me. They make excuses to back out of things we had planned. I know they just don't really want to be around me. I remind them of mortality when they look at me. They don't want the reminder. They want to go on their happy way with their own families and plans. I guess I cannot blame them to some point. Cancer is ugly and scary. They want to enjoy their lives - making plans, buying cars, taking vacations. But for me, life is lonely. I heard that cancer patients are usually lonely. That we have to travel this "journey" alone. For those with good support, I envy you. Count your blessings that you can cry on someones shoulder and even though things may never "be all right" you have someone there who cares.

I had a real outburst a few weeks ago. The 25 year old commented on how a piece of my hair found its way into his sandwich. Husband in the room and also had a comment about the hair that's around. I said ---Why don't I just stop taking that little white pill so my hair will stop falling out and then I can get cancer again!?

Just saying keeping it real can work. They were stunned and I hope there will be no more complaints about my hair ever again!!

Runor I sure wish you lived nearby and we could go for coffee! My therapist keeps telling me to take care of myself and let things go but I have such a hard time with that! I’ve spent my whole life making things easier for everyone around me and I feel so helpless when I let people help me. My husband is one of those who thinks I’ll be around for another 20 years but I’m not an outlier. When he planned his fishing trip with his friends at the same time I wanted to take a trip I reminded him the median life expectancy is 3 years and I’m halfway there and after I’m gone he can fish as much as he wants. He went anyway. If it was just the two of us life would be so easy but it’s complicated by our disabled son recently coming to live with us after his wife (who I’ve never liked but I’ve tried) filed for divorce and his children spending time here. He doesn’t usually ask how I am because he really doesn’t want to know. He just knows that things are still pretty normal around here. I have some friends that I open up to but I don’t like to burden them much because they have their own issues at home but we all share. It can be just as tiring (or more so) to get my husband or son to do things as it is to do it myself or let it go. When I let them know I’m really tired it’s the attitude of okay, get some rest and then things will be normal, not that they need to step up and I’m often too tired to fight the attitude.

Wanderingneedle, there are way more women like you than like runor. (I know. What a shame.) I run into them here every day, over and over. It makes me crazy. I did everything when my son was growing up but then we shared until my diagnosis. Now, HE does everything. Shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning and he still does car and house maintenance. They have to be trained. I left for three years. That worked. A little drastic, I know. But if you've been taking it all on for years, that will only end when you CAN'T. That will be sad. Women's lib .... pffft.

I made a promise to myself...if people ask me how i am, i tell them the truth. The other day rhe check out clerk asked me, and i said, "Well, i have st 4 terminal cancer, and it's pretty bad." She said I'm sorry, and i said i am too.

Not gonna lie anymore or put on a fake smile. People need to know that we're all gping to die, and it ain't gonna be fun.

I just wish dh and dd would get a clue...i keep asking them, "Do you think I'm making this shiz up? You all need to get used to the fact that i won't be here too much longer and step up to the plate."

I think I was a little bit of both. I was good for my children and grandchildren, but I had my husband at night to talk/cry/whine to. I had it in my head that I wanted my kids/grand kids to see that , yeah, life sucks, its unfair and sometimes your dealt the bad hand; but you deal with it. They knew I was going through treatment and I was tired, but we still had fun. When I was losing my hair my older son came over with his wife and brood of kids all wearing wigs. My daughter and her kids would come over with new scarves and to rub lotion on me. My youngest son who still lives at home would always bring me popsicles and check on me. The grandchildren would crawl into bed with me and just talk and laugh. The oldest granddaughter videoed me singing "I'm too sexy for my hair". I think there is a balance. I had my husband who was the best one for me to talk to. I also had my mother and 2 sisters who would listen and was very good not to say too much. At work I had my close co-worker who would let me have my bouts of depression and would feel sad with me. It is harder now that treatment is all done and I worry about reoccurrence at every test or every twinge I feel or have some lingering side effect, my husband has since died, I have my mother and sisters but its not the same.

Edited to add - My husband did step up and take over a lot of the household chores and he took care of all the insurance/money stuff for the cancer. I think some people you just got tell them that you can't do it and they need to.

I believe in honesty but if a stranger or casual acquaintances ask me how I'm doing, I'm sure as hell not sharing with them I have cancer. Close friends and family member I'm honest with them about what's going on in my life. I've never had to deal with cancer related physical pain. There are days when the uncertainty of cancer hits me. When that happens I find it easy to share with close friends and family. There are certain individuals I will not share with because in the past they compared cancer to having a cold or no big deal. Are they ignorant or mean? Ignorant yes rarely mean. I, too live alone but I am very fortunate to have a strong network of friends. During chemo I found that the only individuals who could really understand certain side effects of chemo or the uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis were people on these threads. Let's face it. We are living it everyday. I still believe if a person is experiencing anger and sadness to a point where they are unable to function for significant periods of time then counseling needs to be considered. Women have been told for way too long to stifle their feelings and to make everything alright. Speak up and speak out.

Well, my breast cancer was a low stage and grade, treated by lumpectomy and radiation, and now Tamoxifen when I take it. I get tense moments like waiting for PET scan results (from kidney cancer episode), or just being a bit pooped from the last year's medical adventures. And I've been short-tempered as hell at times, and pretty awful to the husband and son. And I feel TERRIBLE for the screaming fits, not entitled to them. Why should I feel that it's okay to ruin someone else's life like that, just because of something I went through (and that they went through with me)? I do not have to live with what Lita57 and other women with advanced stages endure every single day. Those women can scream 24/7 and it's more than fine with me. But the rest of us? How many times do we rant or vent about the same thing, over and over, before it becomes unhealthy?

Alice- so true. One of my co-workers have breast cancer. Now at work-related functions I try to avoid her. She is early stage, as I am, and she cannot stop obsessing about her cancer. She's 6 years out and thoughts of cancer dominates her every waking moment. To the point she has no friends because they have become exhausted. Of course she now complains about loneliness. She rejects every suggestion regarding refocusing some of her energy on exercise, social activities, counseling, e t c. None of us are telling her to ignore her fears and concerns regarding cancer but to find a balance. Those individuals who are stage 4 and have to endure continuous treatments have enough on their plate. Caregivers need to be heard, too. Its tough on the whole family.

AliceB, you are absolutely correct, screaming fits should be reserved for only the most severe occasions. Like, when Hub invites his mother to stay with you for a month. For that, screaming is entirely appropriate. (so is heavy drinking). But it's this idea that you have to paste on a fake smile and hide all sadness or fear or exhaustion that I take issue with. Families have to find that middle ground where the cancer person realizes that life goes on and the rest of the family have lives to live and their lives didn't stop happening just because you got cancer. Family member also have to realize that they are lucky to have thier lives continue on because on date X, your life got yanked out from under you in a way that left you disoriented and reeling and that you have to get up and pretend to be normal, when you're not, and live like life is the same, when it's not, and they have to see things from your perspective too and allow you the room to be miserable. It's a balancing act in which BOTH parties give a shit about the situation of the others. Too often it goes one way and that is just not a good thing and leads to drinking and loud singing in the shower ...also not a good thing!

runor- I still find it fascinating how we focus on our lives the day of our diagnosis and everything that occurs after the diagnosis. Partly, because cancer takes over a large part of our lives. Sometimes, we forget to look at the Dynamics that were already in place prior to diagnosis and treatment. Roles are constantly changing and evolving depending on the needs of an individual or a family unit. In general people do not relinquish their established roles easily. Throw cancer into the mix and everything starts shifting.

I am guilty of holding back from my family about the odd bad day. For me,it is when I have a depressed crying all day thing. It does not happen often so I don't want depression drugs. This is probably why I don't share it with my family. I am living alone now, used to coown a home with my mother, no marriage or kids. Mom died in January so I recognize it is grief. Those days are fewer but still happen. I also dont want people to assume I will live to older age. It is unlikely. There are many Stage 4 people on this site who went longer and then declined quickly. I don't remind all the time since they know I don't believe it.

jo6359, so true! It's that phenomenon like, where were you when Elvis died? Before we had a child Hub and I charted our life by known dates. Then after child was born it became charting life by how old the kid was when something occured. When did we take that trip to the lake with our parents? Hmm ... the kid was about 6 years old so it would have been (doing math in head). Now it's life Before cancer and life After cancer and it all looks the same but sure as hell doesn't feel the same. Some line was crossed. Some barrier broken. The bubble where I thought dying was something that might happen. Now I know it WILL. Boom! Mind blown!

runor- I do remember where I was when Elvis died. I had spent the day water skiing with friends in Pensacola when I heard the news. I have never been good with dates. Yet I will never forget December 12th. That was the date my doctor called and told me I had breast cancer. You are so right. Life after cancer does not feel the same way life did before cancer.

Oh, Viewfinder, I'm so sorry to hear that. Went through that with a dear friend recently.

I am just terrible at marking dates, whether for positive or negative reasons, so I guess I'm lucky that dates related to cancer don't jump out at me. And I've had cancer before, of a different kind - and ditto for since - so that pretty much knocks out any special feelings about boob time. It's just another link in the chain of shit that happens, and that I move past once the immediate treatments are over. I think of my oncology appointments as wellness visits, not cancer patient visits.

Jo6359, I think we had the same co-worker! There's always some Queen of Pink who barely had cancer (my co-worker had hers aspirated by needle in her doctor's office), but wants to be the poster child forever after. My QofP was especially bad because we had another co-worker with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer at the same time - and I had just returned to work after my bout with endometrial/uterine cancer and a thorough hysterectomy. But if either was mentioned, the QofP would open her eyes extra wide and say, " But I have BREAST CANCER!" and hand out ribbons. Urgh.

Alice- I've already had my 3-month follow-up for end of treatment. I look at checkups as Wellness visits. They're looking at me and asking me questions. Other than labs, nothing else will be done unless I report an issue or I have hinky labs. 99% of the time I'm okay with that. I had surgery before chemo. So there isn't any objective data available as to whether the chemo work. As long as I feel great and continue to function at a high level I am grateful. When I have an unexpected pain, a thought will cross my mind" Oh crap, the chemo didn't work" My mind quickly moves on to other issues more important than something I have absolutely no control over. Crazy thoughts do crop up occasionally. I want to continue to live my life the way I did prior to cancer which is exercise, social activities, work and advocacy.

Today, members of a ladies group at our church signed up for helping my friend and her husband at home. We'll take turns going a few hours week-day mornings so the husband can get out to go food-shopping and pick up any prescriptions. We'll also do some light housekeeping and laundry, if needed.

viewfinder- what a wonderful way to help. Instead of only extending your sympathy ( which I'm sure is greatly appreciated ) you are donating your time. You are allowing her primary caregiver to take care of other business and also take a brief respite. So many people could learn from your example. Kudos.