Monday, September 21, 2009

And you thought YOU were having a bad day?

Have you met Jessica Simspon? She's having the worst day of her life every. single. day. If you ever wake up in the morning and think your life is total crap, remind yourself of these five things that are slowly killing J. Simp.

5. The sister who started off as a mere tagalong is now legitimately more famous and successful than she is. OK, if there's one thing we know all about, it's sibling rivalry. Ashley Simpson's success (?) on Melrose Place is the equivalent to Stacey deciding to write a book, cranking something out in a week and getting a major book deal in an overnight pre-empt while we languish on submission for the rest of our lives. And I don't care how much you love your sister, that would suck.

4. Her stylist hates her. Seriously. Most of the headlines about Jessica lately involve her totally fugly clothes and the fact that they make her look like she's gained 20 pounds. Jessica, did Ashley generously hire your stylist for you? Does she snicker loudly whenever you show up in a stylist approved outfit? One word for you, SABOTAGE. Look it up.

3. The only time Jess is on TV is for Macy's commercials. And they're terrible. She wanders around asking Kenneth Cole how to open doors and telling Martha Stewart to speak English when she uses the word ambiance. It's tragic.

2. Everyone always breaks up with Jessica. First Nick Lachey, next John Mayer and now Tony Romo. It seems that J. Simp is always having her heart broken publicly by some d-bag or another, and the paparazzi stalk her each and every time monitoring for sweatpants and break-up weight. And on top of all that, imagine having to wake up in the morning and find out that your loser ex-boyfriend started dating this. Ouch.

1. A coyote ate her Daisy. Or as Loretta said, "Maybe a dingo ate her baby." As if things couldn't get any worse for Jess, a coyote ate her dog IN FRONT OF HER. For a while she held out hope that the dog would be found alive (Because coyotes so often just take the dog and try to raise it as their own. Seriously, Jess?), but alas, the search has been called off.

Dear Universe, please give Jessica a break. Yes, she's blonde and she's tried to hawk everything from cheap looking hair extensions to horrible fake tanner, but she does not deserve this. No one does.

And dear readers, remember that you might think you're having a bad day, but Jessica Simpson surely has you beat.

I never know how I feel about Jessica. I thought she was cute and ditzy when Newlyweds came out. Then she got hot and sexy. Now she's just kind of sad.I think that she ahs tried so hard to pursue fame, and it came back to bite her in the rear.

Poor Jess. This one pic in that particularly, ummm, unflattering outfit is probably the only pic I have seen of her about one million times. And Tony Romo? While he did break up with her one day before her bday, my man would drop me like its hot if I wanted a Barbie and Ken birthday party. LOL.

5. Ashlee Simpson is ... interesting. Who knew flying under the radar and being the un-golden child for a few years would pay off so big for her? The fact that she's married to Wentz gives her major street creds, too.

4. Poor, poor girl. The outfit that started it all ...

3. Don't forget about the ProActiv commercials! "Just a little dab. That's all you need." She should dab that refining mask all over her life.

2. Serious ouch. That picture hurts.

1. Oh .... MYGOD. I didnt' know about this. How did I not know about this? That's horrible. I watched Jessica (attempt to) potty train Daisy (at which she failed miserably), so I kind of feel like I knew the little poo. RIP, Daisy. RIP.

I would never want to be as famous as her because it would suck to have everything about your life out on display for constant ridicule. But every time I start to feel sorry for her, I remember that she put herself out there for it. Although I'm pretty sure she never expected it to turn out this way.

Okay, okay. I feel like it is my job, my CALLING really to come to Jessica's rescue. Yes, everything that you have said is sad and painfully true (and, Jess--of course, the Proactive commercials deserve a mention).

But, I have just received in the mail a pair of Jessica Simpson cowboy boots that are really cute. No, really. They are--ask Katie. I couldn't afford the Frye ones, but these are pretty durn close and cost $200 less.

So, Jessica, if you are reading. You HAVE done something right. So, buck up! You put a great pair of boots out there in the world that have made me feel happy. You should, too.

Now, go get a dictionary and look up the word "ambiance", honey. I think you'll find that it is a part of the English language.

rock those boots, SF! Okay, okay, so most (not all, as I'm sure SF can demonstrate) of the shoes are a little too "working girl" for my taste, but my friend recently bought a super cool J. Simpson purse, so there's something positive! Head held high, JS. Head held high.

I was *just* thinking about this. Poor Jess.She needs to join a CW show. Or maybe even Glee. Can't you see it? TOTAL career reboot. And that will show Ashlee.

OR she should join American Idol in place of Ellen. I've felt from the start that, in this rough economic climate, someone who needs a job (and doesn't already have one...and, like, a multimillion dollar-paying one at that) should replace Paula. I wasn't sure who at first. Now, I see that it should be Jessica Simpson. Who will write to Fox with me?

I think I'd trade places with Jessica for today.....10 year old chipped her front tooth at 10:30 last night ("what was she doing up at 10:30?" asks the school nurse.) High schooler home with stomach bug, husband in a different state on business and at about 11:00 a.m. the world around the storyqueen gets all woozy and funky.

Come on down to Mississippi and SF and I will take you under our wings.

Now, now, don't cry. We're just as fun as Lisa and Laura.

Seriously! we are! I know our blog posts aren't as funny, and we don't have cool sisters that we can compare ourselves to, but we have 5 daughters who are fun... sometimes... when they aren't fighting or whining.

Wow you people are so superficial. Making yourselves feel better by someones else's quote, unquote misfortunes. I say quote, unquote because there is nothing wrong with Jessica and all the things you people are saying went wrong in her life. She is a beautiful girl and shes not even fat. I don't get it. She is a little bigger than she used to be, so f-ing what. You ignorant people. I'm sure all of you are fatter than she is and no where near as attractive as she is. And if you had an ounce of her success in your meaningless little lives, you would not even be reading these blogs about her. Grow up and realize people are in pain because of real issues everyday. Life is too short. People have a heart.