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So you may be looking at this photo, thinking “What the heck does this have to do with pain?” Bear with me. You all know I typically love to keep this space a happy, positive, fun place, but if I only shared the happy stuff, that wouldn’t be real life, right?

The other night, I was sitting on my couch prepping for my Leadership class that will go on tonight, and turned to the Chapter in John Maxwell’s “The 15 Invaluable Laws of Leadership” titled “The Law of Pain.” Ugh. To say that I was less than excited to dive into this chapter is an understatement. But this class has been so amazing and eye opening for me that I knew I had to continue on and reading this chapter is all part of the growth process.

So I dove in…and it was not easy. This chapter forced me to go back and think about all the painful experiences I have had in my past. And it asked me to evaluate how I had responded to this pain. Because no matter what…you can be the best person out there…but bad experiences have a way of finding you. It’s just a fact of life that there are ups and downs that we are unable to control. But what we CAN control is how we react and manage the pain.

As I looked back into my “pain file” of bad experiences, I looked over at my Christmas Tree and thought about one of the hardest times I have ever had in my life. It was a fall of 2012. It was supposed to be a happy time. I had just found out I was pregnant with my first baby. We named the baby Peanut. We were ecstatic. We called our closest family and friends and shared the news. Everyone was bubbling with excitement. We started looking at baby things online and thinking about how to shift our apartment around and decorate a nursery. And then only a few short weeks later, when I was 7.5 weeks pregnant our world came crashing down. I had started having some complications, but we were hopeful because we had seen a heartbeat on the monitor. But after one rough weekend, I knew something was wrong and come that next doctor’s appointment, our little Peanut was no longer on the screen.

It was the first time I saw my husband cry. And actually now writing this…as I thought I had come a long way from my pain, I am seeing that maybe it’s not true and it’s still very much there…as the tears are welling up in my eyes once again. I don’t know if I dealt with my pain very well at the time. I know I cried. A LOT. I know I felt empty inside. Like something was missing. Like I was supposed to be a mom, but then I wasn’t. It was just ripped away from me. Stolen. Like it was a fake, imaginary, dream…well more like a nightmare. Like this couldn’t possibly be my first experience at being pregnant. This negative, awful, scary feeling. Thoughts rushed through my head of “Would I ever be able to have a child?” and “Is there something wrong with me?” I think I closed up into a ball for awhile when I was alone and just wailed…and in public, I tried to put on a brave face and pretend that I was okay.

I think I finally decided to truly embrace my pain when I wrote about this experience on this here blog. When I decided the walls needed to come down. I decided that it wasn’t my fault, and that this terrible experience was out of my control. And that I wasn’t some weird anomaly. This happens to a lot of women, and they just don’t talk about it. So I decided to talk about it. And deal with it. And I pretty much wrote that post as therapy for myself I guess…but I never expected what would happen in return. I got an outpouring of messages, comments, + e-mails from other women who had gone through the same thing. People that I was close to, and had NO idea they had gone through this. People that I hadn’t talked to in years came out and wrote me. People said “thank you” for sharing this, and I realized wow…I am not alone. And neither are they. I truly wish no one ever has to go through this horrible loss of an unborn child…but if they do, I am glad that I was able to be there for them as someone who could relate to their pain.

Now what does this all have to do with the photo on this post? Well, this wooden rattle was the first toy that we had gotten for our little Peanut. My husband brought it home from work, and we just loved it. We were so excited. And when we found out the horrible news, I just couldn’t bear to hang onto it for another child or to give it away either. It was Peanut’s rattle. We weren’t really sure what to do with it…so when Christmastime came along, we decided to make an ornament out of it as a symbol of our little Peanut. So that we would never forget that first little ray of sunshine. I suppose this was a positive way to deal with our pain.

Each year we open our Christmas box, and we take out that ornament to put on our tree…and I don’t get sad anymore. Instead I feel happy. I feel that Peanut is a part of us. That he or she is watching down over us on this special time of year and is blessing our little family, which now has two happy, healthy little boys. And I keep that hope that eventually one day I will get to meet my little Peanut in “person.”

I hope that whatever pain you have dealt with in your life or you may be dealing with now during this holiday season, that you can find a positive way to overcome it and growing stronger because of it.

readingCreativity Inc.by Ed Catmull, the co-founder of Pixar on creativity and inspiration in business. It’s one that I have wanted to read for awhile having worked in the animation industry for 8 years. Now with running my own business, I figured it would be a good read.

writing Content for my next team call I am leading for my coaches on time management. So many people ask how the heck I have time to do everything that I do…I am no magic fairy. I have the same amount of time as everyone else. Some days I have it together…and some days I am a crazy person. It’s all about prioritizing, making the most of your time, and nixing things in life that are huge time wasters!

listening To the rain falling down on my window pane…and also, the laundry machine.

thinking About the holidays. Can’t believe it’s all right around the corner. Although it can be stressful at times, it’s definitely my most favorite time of the year.

smelling You don’t want to know…but I have two kids in diapers at home…so take a wild guess. (GROSS, Gina!) I know, but that is my life 😉

watching I don’t watch a ton of TV anymore, but I do allow myself a bit here and there. I have been watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix, and I am a fan!

wishing A lifetime of happiness for my BFF who got married last weekend. And for my cousin who is saying “I do” on Saturday.

hoping For sunshine tomorrow.

wearing Another pair of jeans from my pre-pregnancy closet. SCORE! Loving this 21 Day Fix! Also a flowy top, striped cardigan, and red rainboots.

loving This personalized bar necklace from Brickyard Buffalo. Thinking about this as an updated “Mommy Necklace” to have both of my boys close to my heart.

wanting A raincoat. I can’t believe I have lived in NYC for over 8 years now, and have never owned a raincoat. What is wrong with me? What do you all think of this one?

needing Some hot tea with honey. It’s feeling like fall today.

feeling Energized. Healthy. Strong.

craving Something sweet. Hence why it’s time to go make that hot tea with honey.

clicking Through some healthy recipes and yoga moves for my upcoming Namaste November Free Challenge. There is still time to join if you are interested! Let me know in the comments below.

This right here is a photo of my sister-in-law, Andrea, and her husband Tink a couple weeks ago. They went on a WINTER hike up a mountain that was covered in ice and snow. Yes, this is the same sister-in-law who I spoke about on my blog back in October. Then, she was anxiously hoping and waiting to have a life-changing brain surgery to rid her of the terrible Parkinson’s symptoms she was experiencing. Fast forward to present day and she is hiking MOUNTAINS! In the SNOW!

I want to first start out by thanking everyone who helped support Andrea in receiving this surgery. We raised more than enough money, and she donated the extra funds to future Parkinson’s research. She was incredibly excited, and didn’t even bat an eye about having to fully shave her head beforehand. We received a photo of her smiling with a big thumbs up pre-surgery. She was so happy and ready to go.

According to her doctor, the surgery went very well. I spoke to Andrea about how she has been feeling since the surgery, and these were her remarks:

My symptoms from Parkinson’s are gone. I’m able walk normally again, and I don’t have to worry if I will actually make it out of the woods if I go on a walk. I’m thinking I could walk endlessly. It’s been a incredible mind and body experience that still amazes me everyday I get out of bed and simply set my feet on the floor. And then, I think I couldn’t have had this chance without the help from everyone who donated. Living with gratitude is a wonderful feeling.

I have seen such a change in Andrea’s spirit and happiness since the surgery. She has been able to complete so many physical challenges, hikes, and all the outdoor activities that she used to love and couldn’t do for years. I love that despite this crazy cold weather, she is not waiting for the summer to get outside. She is that excited to get back out there, and the weather is no issue for her. It’s incredibly inspirational and a true testament to living life to it’s fullest while you can. Our entire family is extremely grateful for all of your help getting Andrea back to a life she can fully enjoy.

My Aunt Marie, My sister on the left, and that’s me on the right – My sister and I are two years and three days apart, and we’ve been celebrating our birthdays together our whole lives. Love you little sis!

–

twenty eight: a reflection

twenty eight

you’ve been great

so much has happened

from the past year to date

it started with

a new camera to shoot

a photography class

to give this blog a boost

went to the obx

on family vacay

relaxed on the beach

all worries kept at bay

katie’s oc bach

was a ton of fun

laughing and dancing

til up came the sun

summer days at ft. tilden

with erin and rai

summer nights in dewey

to celebrate labor day

this year brought us very

many weddings galore

most of them being

near baltimore

there was one in boston

during a crazy manhunt

another in montauk

on the gorgeous waterfront

a ten year reunion

for my high school class

can’t believe

how much time has passed

a trip to a.c.

for a bachelorette

dinner and dancing

complete with roulette

brunches and bar crawls

in the n-y-c

pollard potluck had

their 5th anniversary

nights in new york

during santa con

thanksgiving and christmas

had lots of family to bond

we went through some struggle

went through some strife

when we lost our little peanut

it cut like a knife

we tried to stay strong

and looked up above

for some courage and guidance

and we got through with love

next came a photo shoot

with blue balloons

a new baby coming

for us all to swoon

we call him little monkey

our pride and joy

we can’t wait to meet

our sweet little boy

my fav blondes came to visit

new york in the spring

we walked on the high line

and of course went shopping

arizona adventures

brought me to tucson

hung out with my pen pal

hiked in phoenix at dawn

prescott, sedona,

and the grand canyon too

are all the great places

that we got to view

after over ten years

our huge fam got together

with over one hundred kin

and some beautiful weather

a father’s day feast

with the notes clan one day

gathered instruments together

and a concert we played

the fourth of july

brought us to maine

the lake house was awesome

and the lobster insane

this year has been wonderful

twenty eight has been sweet

but this year is now over

and we cannot repeat

twenty nine is stepping in

so let’s have some cake

celebrate, cheer, and sing

for the new memories we’ll make!

–

Can’t believe another whole year has passed by, and boom I’m in my last year of my twenties. Time really does fly by. Twenty eight was awesome, and I am really looking forward to embarking on so many more of life’s adventures in year twenty nine. Thank you so much for all of the wonderful wishes I have received thus far!

I would also like to say a special early “Happy Birthday” to my little sis, Angela, who is also celebrating her birthday this weekend. We are lucky to have our birthdays so close, and we have always been able to celebrate together from either near or far. Love you Pooks!

reading Finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed, about a woman who finds herself while hiking the Pacific Coast Trail. Sort of an Eat, Pray, Love in the wilderness if you will. I would definitely recommend to anyone who enjoys the outdoors. I am now starting Bossypants by Tina Fey, and hoping for a laugh.

writing Other than blog posts, I haven’t been writing much of anything else lately…

watchingWell, I got dragged into a “Bachelorette Draft” this past weekend. Yes, it’s like fantasy football, but with Des and a bunch of hot guys. I really had no interest in this show whatsoever, but after investing time into making draft picks for a friend that couldn’t make the event…I am now finding myself wanting to know how this whole thing is going to pan out. Go Juan Pablo!

wishingEveryone a Happy Last Day of May! Can’t believe it’s going to be June tomorrow.

hoping For a fun-filled weekend with friends in the Big Apple.

wearing A dress that I found at Nordstrom Rack a couple years ago along with red, strappy Sam Edelman sandals.

laughing At what happened when Vine tried to make a commercial for Vine. See over at FunnyorDie.com

wanting To meet my new little cousin, Noelle Raelyn, who was born yesterday! Congrats to her Mama and Papa, my cousins Brittany and R.J.

needing To figure out what to wear to a costume party on Saturday…Disney princess or pregnant Britney Spears? Hmmm…

feeling My little one kicking up a storm in there all day long. It’s such a crazy and awesome feeling!

craving I had been craving a pedicure (since I can no longer reach my toes well enough to paint my own), and luckily this was fulfilled on Wednesday. I went with the new Essie 2013 Neon Collection’s DJ Play That Song. I can now proceed with open-toed shoes again.

clicking Researching pediatricians and birthing classes for the little one.

reading May issues of Health Magazine and Marie Claire. Got some yummy new recipes and a desire to return to Italy!

writing Thank you notes for all of the kindness my family and friends have shown toward Little Monkey so far! He is a lucky little boy!

listeningTo the news. I admit, I am not the best when it comes to keeping up with the news. I usually get my updates from Facebook and Twitter (I know, that’s horrible, but true). But events from the past week have kept me tuned in.

thinking That I cannot believe I am halfway through my pregnancy! 20 weeks in, and 20 weeks left until I get to meet my Baby Boy!

smellingNot much of anything. I have been sick and stuffed up all week.

hoping That I can pack my bags in less than 2 hours. For me this would be an accomplishment.

wearing Today is a lazy day. I blame it on being sick all week. I’m literally in yoga pants, New Balance tennis shoes, layered tank, tshirt, and sweater. On days like today, I’m so very lucky my office is low key.

loving The fact that 215 people have signed up for the John Petrovick Memorial 5K this weekend! I am so thankful to my friends who have put this event together. This is a great turnout for the very first event, and John would be so happy and proud. So excited to see you all in Baltimore!

laughing At myself trying on bathing suits with my prego belly last night in preparation for our trip to warm-weather Arizona. No really…it was quite comical.

wanting To be outside playing in this sunshine today. It’s gorgeous in NYC!

needing To flush this sickness throughly out of my system as soon as possible.

feeling Super excited for our trip to Arizona at the beginning of May. Hanging out with my pen pal in her hometown for the first time, seeing family and friends, the Grand Canyon, Sedona, warm weather, Mexican food, our two year wedding anniversary, and our “baby moon” trip…so many reasons for this excitement!

clicking I took a million photos during our Boston trip last weekend of the wedding and the rest of our adventures. Once again, I’m blaming my sickness for my delay in posting these, but I promise they should be up sometime next week!

*Sidenote: I just got my Waveborn shades in the mail today, and I cannot wait to rock them oh so soon!

loving I never realized how much you can love someone you have never even met. So excited for my baby boy to get here in September, and so in love already.

laughing At the fact I actually tried to straighten my hair this morning. The hair in the photo above lasted all of 2 minutes as I stepped out into the wind and rain this morning. You know those days where your umbrella decides to flip itself out over and over again? Did wonders for my hair today.

wanting To finish the friendship bracelet I started making over a month ago. My 4th grade skills just aren’t where they used to be…

needing To paint my nails tonight. They are in dire need of some Essie love.

feeling Excited for the girls to get here this weekend! Can’t wait for a weekend of shopping, photographing and girl talk.

craving Strangely enough, I am not getting any weird pregnancy cravings. I mean, I want ice cream…but I always want ice cream. Nothing new. I haven’t started liking condiments, so I think my appetite is relatively the same.

clicking Through fashion blogs of expecting mamas. Trying to figure out some tricks to looking chic while prego.

Now, my blog is usually a place of happiness, fun, fashion, & adventure…and I don’t intend on changing that. But my blog is also about life. And life is not always rainbows and butterflies. As much as I would like it to be sometimes, that is just not the case. So if I sat here and only talked about happy things all the time, then this blog would just not be real. And I think sometimes we need a dose of reality. It may be tough for some of you to read this. It has been a struggle for me to sit down and write this and go back to this place. But this is a topic that most women don’t openly talk about, and I honestly think that they should. There is no reason to hide it. It happens more often than we think. We just don’t realize it, because no one talks about it. You’re probably now thinking “just go ahead and say what you are talking about!” So here we go…

At this point, most of you now know that we have a Little Monkey on the way. And we are SOOOOO incredibly excited! What you may not know is that before there was a Little Monkey…there was a Peanut. My sweet, sweet little Peanut. My husband and I found out in September that we were expecting a child. I had a feeling that maybe I should take a pregnancy test. And let me tell you, I am not one of those people that freaks out and takes pregnancy tests often. I actually had NEVER taken one in my entire life until that day…when we got those two lines. It was actually quite surprising, because it pretty much happened “right away.” We were shocked and ecstatic at the same time. We said we wouldn’t tell anyone for awhile since it was so early…but then the next day, we just got too excited and told everyone. Well, not everyone. But all of our family, close friends, etc. Let’s just say it was quite a few people.

The day after we found out, we were on Cloud 9. We went to lay out in Prospect Park, pretty much skipping the whole way there. We hung out on a blanket under the sunshine and just daydreamed of what our life would be like when our little Peanut arrived in May. Right in time for our 2 year wedding anniversary. We daydreamed about Peanut coming to his/her first Outer Banks vacation with the family, the 1st Christmas, taking the stroller around the city in the summertime. It was pretty much the best day ever. To think that we would be bringing this beautiful little life into the world. We named the baby Peanut, because “it” just sounded awful, and we didn’t know the sex of the baby yet to say “he” or “she.” My husband and I are both kind of small, so we figured Peanut was a perfect name for our little one.

I immediately went into “Mom” mode. The smell of cigarette smoke at a party made me flee the scene immediately. Alcohol was not even missed on a Saturday night. I started reading up on all the websites and blogs for the right things to eat/not eat, pregnancy tips, etc. I was completely protective of my little Peanut, and felt like I was already a Mom. Although it had only been a short time, it felt like I had been carrying Peanut for much longer.

A week and a half or so after we got the good news of being pregnant, I started to have some complications. I wasn’t sure if anything was really wrong at first, because sometimes these symptoms can happen, and everything can be just fine. I called my mother-in-law (a midwife herself) constantly asking questions. But as the week progressed, my complications started to get worse, and I started to get worried. I didn’t have a doctor in NY yet, since prior to getting pregnant, I only needed to go to my OB/GYN once a year. I had just scheduled my appointments to go when I was in Maryland during the holidays or family vacation. Luckily, I had done some research in the NY area, and found two options that I was going to try out. When the complications started happening, I called them both immediately. Because, I was not already a patient, the first office I called pretty much told me there was “nothing they could do.” If I was going to miscarry, I was going to miscarry. That if things started to get “really bad,” then I should go to the ER. I was kind of shocked, but I didn’t accept that for answer. I called the other office, and luckily they brought me in for a sonogram the following day.

That day was very promising. We saw our little Peanut on the monitor. And there was a heartbeat! It was the most amazing feeling, and it was extremely encouraging. We left that day feeling very optimistic into the weekend, and overall happy that someone cared enough to help us and make us feel comfortable during this scary and terrifying time.

Unfortunately, my complications didn’t get any better, and they started to get worse throughout the weekend. I had severe pains that weekend, and I started to get extremely worried. I cried. And cried. I thought the worst. My husband consoled me. He was still optimistic. We scheduled an appointment for another sonogram that Monday.

We looked up at the screen for our little Peanut…and there was nothing there. Blank. Just an empty uterus. My husband was in denial. He thought maybe we needed to do the internal sonogram again, because the baby was just too small and we couldn’t see Peanut. But they tried that too. And still blank. Gone. Just completely gone. We both broke down at that point. It was the first time I ever saw my husband cry in my life. And we have been together for over 8 years. It was my turn to console him, yet it was almost impossible as I was pretty inconsolable myself.

It felt like Peanut had just been ripped away from us. Stolen. The day before I had been a Mom. And now I wasn’t. I had been planning a baby nursery and summer plans…and now I was sitting here empty-wombed and broken. Like I had never even been pregnant. Like everything should just go back to normal life. It was horrible. I do not wish miscarriage on anyone. We tried to be optimistic. We said we would try again. But we also acknowledged that the next baby would still not be our little Peanut. We would always feel that we should have had Peanut as our first child.

Fast forward to becoming pregnant with Little Monkey. Because we had lost Peanut, we really, really, really wanted Little Monkey. We were lucky it did not take long. Not that Little Monkey will ever replace Peanut. There is no way that would ever be possible. But maybe…just maybe there was a reason for all of this. If we hadn’t lost Peanut, there would also be no Little Monkey on the way. Now, I could never choose one child over another. But maybe something was wrong with Peanut in the womb. Maybe he/she wasn’t healthy or wasn’t developing properly. And maybe Peanut took the sacrifice by allowing Little Monkey a shot at this big, bad world instead. We’ll never really know, but I do hope that one day we can see our little Peanut in Heaven.

I have to say it was difficult to get excited about Little Monkey at first. I wanted to be. I felt like a bad Mom because I felt like I was forcing my excitement, and it wasn’t as real as my excitement with Peanut. “I should be more excited,” I thought. “Why can’t I be?” Well, the reason was because I was so damn nervous. I was terrified actually. I couldn’t get excited, because I couldn’t deal with the loss if another child was torn away from me. If I got excited, then it got real. I might jinx it. I couldn’t bear being in that dark place of unhappiness and sadness again, and so I just tried to get through day by day as if things were normal. If I didn’t think about it too much, then the time would pass by, and before I knew it, BOOM I would be in the “safe zone.”

Well, it didn’t exactly zoom past, but it did get easier and easier with time to get excited and be less nervous. We passed our 7 1/2 week point where we lost Peanut and that was helpful. Then, every week after that, we got more and more excited and confident that this time things were going to work out for us. When we went to hear Little Monkey’s heartbeat for the first time, I was extremely nervous. After it was confirmed that there was a little one inside me, I said “OH THANK GOD,” in the office. The midwife said, “What, were you nervous?” And I explained what had happened the first time. She then told me, “Well, just get ready, because this is the beginning of being nervous for the rest of your life.”

She makes a good point. I’m sure I won’t stop worrying just a little bit throughout my entire pregnancy. And I’m sure I will worry the first time Little Monkey gets sick, or something goes wrong, get his/her first injury, grows up and gets his/her drivers license, goes off to college, etc. etc. That’s just what motherhood is. Constant worrying and nervousness.

But it’s important to also ENJOY it. I don’t want to live life saying that I was a nervous wreck and didn’t enjoy my pregnancy at all. I want to enjoy as much of life as humanly possible. I accept that we are presented with challenges and complications in life. Nothing turns out perfectly. And things don’t always turn out the way you would expect them to. But I think it’s important to enjoy what you can.

So far my pregnancy with Little Monkey is going really well, and I am determined to relish in these moments while I have them. So farewell to any negative thoughts. I am staying positive from here on out. I am back to my typical self of planning and daydreaming about what lies ahead for our little family. Zack and I are really excited for the arrival of our Little Monkey, and we are ready to take on whatever challenges we were meant to face. We are strong and we can overcome, and we hope to teach our Little Monkey these same life lessons come September. 🙂

reading Just finished Belong to Me by Marisa de Santos. Now I’m reading Love Walked In by the same author. Someone should have told me I should have reversed that reading order. Oh well.

writing Bills Bills Bills. Yes, I still do most of mine by hand. Call me old-fashioned.

listeningThe Sound of Music station on Pandora. Complete with musical ensembles from Phantom of the Opera, Beauty and the Beast, and many more Disney and show tune favorites. So guilty, yet so not ashamed.

watchingMy favorite restaurant in the Outer Banks, NC, Tortuga’s Lie was featured on Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives last night! My cousin’s uncle (Richard Welch) is a chef and owner, and my cousin worked there for years. It’s amazing, and Guy Fieri gave Tortuga’s rave reviews for their Jerk Chicken and Pork Antonio. I’m so proud of them!

loving The fact that my tax documents have already been organized and shipped out to my accountant, and I can let her take over from here. Totally worth the money to not have to do them myself.

laughing We watched a few documentaries over the weekend on Vice.com, and stumbled across this genre of music called Turbofolk in Serbia. Serbian pop star, Goga Sekulic came out with this hit “Seksi Bizinesmen” (note the spelling) and we couldn’t not stop cracking up at how serious they were while performing this video. Is that a fox on her shoulder? The worst part is that after to listening to this song three times, I am starting to think it’s kinda catchy.

needing Before this weekend I was needing pants that fit! I am now satisfied, and banning myself from shopping until spring is over since I went a bit crazy. We’ll see how long that lasts.

feeling A bit more energized, and a lot less nausea than the past few weeks.

craving Family time. I haven’t seen the fam since the holidays, so I am looking forward to my in-laws visiting this weekend, and also looking forward to seeing my side of the family on Easter weekend. It’s been too long!

clicking Through baby toys. What does one get a 1 year old for their 1st birthday? I’m new at this baby thing, folks!

Zack and I are so excited to announce that we have a Little Monkey on the way, expected to arrive on or around September 10th of this year. 🙂

Here is a photo from my 13 week sono. I am now at 14 weeks, and happy to be in the second trimester. It’s amazing how much detail you can see, and I cannot believe there is a tiny little human growing inside me!

Little Monkey is so photogenic already. He/She even waved for the camera! (either that or L.M. was still fist pumping from the Swedish House Mafia concert…or sucking his/her thumb?) I’m going with L.M. was saying “Hello” and “Happy Birthday” to Dad last week.

It’s been a bit of a crazy adventure so far, and we are both looking forward to what lies ahead…specifically this weekend, I’m thinking my wardrobe needs an update of clothes that actually fit…