Fathers who abandon their sons challenge sons' capacity to
restore self-esteem and create intimacy. The physical and emotional
absence of fathers has increased through the 20th century, and most
single-parent families are headed by mothers. Therapy for abandoned sons
includes grieving and reducing the mystery of abandonment.

Absent fathers are pervasive in American culture. Father absence is
pathological and severely affects the abandoned son's capacity for
self-esteem and intimacy. The reason for and type of father absence is
important in determining the effects on the adult son. This article
discusses the impact of a father's absence on his abandoned
son's struggle with self-esteem and intimacy and proposes a
treatment model for abandoned sons.

Many adult sons abandoned by their fathers have difficulty developing
and sustaining self-esteem, forming lasting emotional attachments,
recognizing their feelings, or being expressive with their adult
partners and children. These men must turn their attention toward their
absent fathers and resolve the mystery of their absence to ensure that
their current intimate relationships can succeed. The reasons for the
fathers' absence are paramount, as these dictate the effects on the
sons.

This article, based on published research and the author's
clinical and supervisory experiences, explores the experiences of men
abandoned by their fathers, delineates the impact on the sons'
feelings of worth and their intimate relationships, and highlights
treatment issues central to this situation.

In the mid-nineteenth century fathers increasingly moved out of the
home for economic reasons. Men came to spend less and less time in a
parental role as they came to be seen primarily as economic providers
for the family (Griswold, 1993). A major consequence of this shift, as
described by Pleck (1987), was a change in role from being an active and
present dominant influence in the family to being a physically absent
and intermittent dominant influence. Fathers lost the regular
opportunity to parent, and children lost their fathers.

Luepnitz (1988) contends that the predominant American family
structure is patriarchal and, paradoxically, father-absent. This
pervasive construct represents the economic and gender inequities
present in American society. Fathers, by virtue of being male, earn more
money than mothers, which in turn gives them power (one patriarchal
feature) over the rest of the family (Auerbach, 1996).

Fathers can be absent in a variety of ways, both physical and
emotional. Many of the reasons fathers are absent from the lives of
their sons are direct consequences of society's impact on the
family. For example, Mott (1994) cites both historical and contemporary
economic conditions that force men to work outside of the home for long
hours in habitually dehumanizing environments.(1) The result is
alienation in both directions--the father from the family and the family
from the father.

The prevalence of divorce and single-parent families also
contributes to this discouraging situation. With father absence a major
fact of family structure, it's no surprise that we find a vast
majority of single-parent families headed by mothers and the minority by
fathers. The U.S. Department of Commerce (1994) reported an increase in
mother-headed families from 4.4 million in 1960 to 11.9 million in 1993.
The percentage of children living apart from their fathers more than
doubled between 1960 and 1990, from 17.5% to 36.3% (Blankenhorn, 1995).

Social and economic institutions do not support fathers who, upon
divorce or separation, seek to actively parent (Keshet, 1980). Fathers
who have joint custody of their children after divorce work fewer hours,
earn less money, and typically feel powerless. These disincentives block
many fathers from continued involvement with their children after
divorce, even those who were involved with their children while married.
Of course, divorce does not automatically lead to emotional abandonment
of the son and, ironically, some fathers spend more time with their
children after divorce than when they lived full-time with them.

Keshet also reports that some attorneys counsel fathers away from
seeking joint custody and that to win custody fathers have to prove the
mother unfit. Other fathers are physically absent through divorce, yet
dominate the family by breaking agreements regarding visitation or
financial support. Fifty percent of divorced fathers have infrequent
contact with their children, according to Bryant (1997). In cases of
previous violence or threats, the family may still fear him, even
thought he no longer has contact with them. He could be physically
absent yet remain central to the family through myths (Daddy still loves
you), secrets (Daddy has another family), or shame (Daddy was abusive to
Mommy).

FAMILY DYNAMICS

Absent fathers are those who, in the process of leaving the family,
do not offer explanations to their children about the reasons for their
departure. The other dominant attribute of this type of father is that
he does not stay in contact with his children or, again, offers reasons
for his continuing disconnection from them. The children thus abandoned
feel their fathers are mysteriously, enigmatically, cryptically, or
secretively absent.

Contrast this to the father in military service, who tells his
children that he is leaving to perform his duty, maintains ongoing
contact through letters and telephone calls, and informs them of his
return date in advance, or the divorced father who remains in regular
contact with his children and has an ongoing amicable relationship with
their mother. These are both physically absent fathers but not
emotionally or psychologically absent.

When a father abdicates responsibility in this way, the mother has
to address the quandary he creates by his absence, and she frequently
does this by attempting to portray the father as still loving his son.
This process of the mother explaining the father to the child is
problematic for both the son and his mother. A common anguished refrain
by the son to his father is "Why did you leave me, too?" The
mother, then, bears an unfair burden as she becomes the recurrent, if
misplaced, target of her son's understandable rage at his father.
The dominant culture reinforces the message of the silent man (Ackerman,
1993).

The absent father, by his lack of communication, conveys a
powerful, constricting message to his son to hide his feelings and
motives from others. "The inability of the communicator to send
clear messages lays the groundwork for the cycle of ambiguity to
begin" (Colgan, 1988, p. 76). This, in turn, frequently inhibits or
damages the son-mother relationship.

EFFECTS OF FATHER ABSENCE

Fathers abandon their sons for a variety of reasons: through divorce,
death, absences due to employment or military service, addictions,
incarceration, and chronic physical or mental illness. Society defines
some as honorable, such as a father who is missing in action while in
military service. Other reasons are felt as disgracing and stigmatizing,
such as a father incarcerated for embezzlement, or a mentally disturbed
one who commits suicide. An absent father may have a need for adventure
or feel unable to meet the requirements of his role (Herzog & Sudia,
1971). The father may experience the son as a rival for the wife's
affection and leave for this reason (Jacobsohn, 1976). Any one or any
combination of these occurrences can have a powerful impact on the son.

Luepnitz (1988) contends that normal fathering in contemporary
America includes some degree of abandonment, and that fathers are
normally absent from family life and from emotional relationships with
their sons. Yet not all sons suffer from this "normal"
abandonment. Some men, with or without treatment, are successful in
sustaining intimate relations with wives and children. The complicating
factor that defines the sons presented in this article is the mystery of
their fathers' absence, rather than the "normative"
absence. The fathers' absence impairs the sons' ability to
develop and sustain positive self-worth and to form lasting
relationships with adult romantic partners. Men originating from this
type of background often experience difficulties initiating
(Bartholomew, 1990) and sustaining (Byng-Hall, 1991) intimate
relationships. How can a boy, matured into adulthood, easily form
intimate bonds with an adult spouse when he lacks any model from his
absent father for emotional intimacy?

Paradoxically, abandoned sons often have intense feelings related
to their absent fathers, typically in one of two variations. The first
is emotional reactivity, characterized by the statement "I'll
never be like him!" The emotion the son experiences is directly
caused by his father's absence. The son's reaction leads him
to reject the importance of his father. In so doing, he fetters himself
to a position of denial and unresolved grief. Until the son acknowledges
his unfulfilled needs and longing for his father, he can remain in
turmoil about himself and his intimate relationships.

The second possible form of emotional intensity is
over-identification with the father. In this form, the abandoned son
idealizes and worships the absent father. The son may base his worship
on the actual father he experienced, or the fantasy father that he
wishes or wished for, in spite of the father's apparent lack of
contact, interest, commitment, or feelings for his son.

The son creates a fantasy image out of discontinuous pieces of
information about him (Comeau, 1991).

SELF-ESTEEM AND SHAME

Abandoned sons can have sustained damage to their sense of worthiness
throughout their lives. The son may acquire "a sense of self as the
kind of person who is abandoned and the son of a father who would
abandon" (Herzog & Sudia, p.30). The son acquires a profound
distrust of the continuity and stability of relationships. The secrets
about why the father left cause the son to question his value to others.

Abandonment can lead to experiences and feelings of shame and
stigma. A shame-based identity prohibits men from accessing their needs
or emotions and from communicating clearly to others (Schenk &
Everingham, 1995). Shame, a feeling of worthlessness coupled with a core
sense of inadequacy, can permeate all aspects of a person's life.
Shame is a universally experienced affect that becomes problematic when
internalized as the foundation of identity (Kaufman, 1985; Lansky,
1992). Men get "shame bound" due to some type of family
intimacy dysfunction, such as secrecy perpetuated by or about their
absent father.

Male gender socialization is fundamentally shaming around
emotional expressiveness (Krugman, 1995). Boys learn to hide sadness and
fear and to be overly expressive of anger through violence. Shame
constrains a man's emotional expressiveness as he learns to
perceive a part of himself as inferior and to believe it should remain
hidden. Resocializing men to be aware and expressive of a fuller range
of emotions can lead to greater emotional relatedness, both internally
and with others.

INTIMACY STRUGGLES

For many abandoned sons the realization of intimacy is a mystery that
eludes them. Abandoned men habitually have relationship difficulties
with their parents, siblings, chosen partners, and their children. These
men frequently enter treatment in response to obvious crises at family
developmental transition points.

Engagement, planning for the wedding, and the pregnancy or birth
of the first child (or subsequent children) are specific heterosexual
milestones that activate anxiety in abandoned sons. At each
developmental junction, there are increased intimacy demands. The man
may be more likely to flee the relationship at the arousal of intense
feelings. His partner may be increasingly anxious and angry at his lack
of participation.

The first hurdle is the formation of an intimate premarital
relationship (Lynch, 1990). The steady progression through successive
stages, from initial attraction to dating to engagement, can be fraught
with false starts, detours, and severe fighting. The basic question of
boundary definition looms with great importance for both: "Are we a
couple?" During this and subsequent phases, distance regulation
frequently oscillates between intense closeness and intense distance.

Both members of the couple may be aware of the intimacy struggles.
Once committed or married, abandoned sons can unwittingly replicate the
roles enacted by their fathers by being emotionally or physically absent
through excessive work, extramarital affairs, or by devaluing their
partners. They may actually remain in the relationship physically but be
emotionally absent.

Childbirth, especially that of the first son, is an especially
intense transition for abandoned men. The new father, missing the model
of a nurturing father himself, may become overwhelmed by the tasks of
parenting. In addition, the man's own needs immediately become
second to the infant's, a difficulty that the maturest of fathers
have trouble managing at times. This is a time of great danger for these
men and their families. The absence of nurturance from their fathers
leaves some new fathers with a revulsion to nurture their own children.
Unrealistic expectations of the child's capacities are often
evident. It is sometimes painful for the new father to allow his son or
daughter the freedom to explore the world, arousing as it does his own
pain that emanates from the cryptic loss of his father.

For some men this becomes a time of (re)unification with their
father. Caring for an infant son evokes the losses the abandoned men
sustained. The dual tasks of mourning the father and bonding with the
infant can arise. A desire not to repeat the pattern emerges as a
motivation to overcome the loyalty binds and shame. Giving to his child
what he didn't receive from his abandoning father sows unequal
portions of pleasure and pain.

TREATMENT

Treatment for these abandoned sons seeks to reduce the mystery in
order to enhance men's self-esteem and capacity for intimacy. Two
types of treatment are possible. The first is with fathers who are
available and willing to re-engage with their sons. The second is with
sons whose fathers remain absent or wounding in extreme ways. Both
treatment types have the potential for healing the wounds of the past
and present.

Treatment of abandoned men originates largely from requests by the
female partner for couples therapy, customarily when their relationship
is in crisis. In heterosexual couples, female partners often complain
about the men's emotional, psychological, and physical distance.
The men express frustration but acknowledge that something deeper is
missing in the relationship. These men willingly participate in
treatment, with a stated desire for the relationship to improve and
succeed.

I propose a three-tiered approach to treatment that begins by
addressing the immediate crisis with marital therapy techniques (Dym,
1995). The first step is the cessation of the crisis. Next comes an
in-depth focus on the abandoned son/absent father dyad. This phase
consists of individual treatment the adult son and includes deliberate
grief work (Lazrove, 1996; Lee, 1995; Sprang & McNeil, 1995;
Staudacher, 1991) and reunification with the absent father by following
principals of intergenerational family therapy (Framo, 1976; Goldberg,
1995; Headley, 1977; McGoldrich, 1997; Schnitzer, 1993; Staudacher,
1991; Williamson, 1978). Treatment concludes with a return to couples
therapy, which builds upon the changes developed in earlier phases.

GRIEF WORK

Grief work is a central aspect of the treatment for abandoned sons.
Investigating the son's relationship history will establish that a
series of losses have occurred and how the mourning process has evolved
or stopped. Helping an abandoned son grieve his actual and fantasy
losses is perhaps the single greatest clinical challenge. The losses
include the actual father, the ideal or fantasy father, aspects of
childhood and adolescence, and other intimate relationships.

I invite the son in these initial individual meetings to introduce
me vicariously to his father as he has experienced him. Inquiry into the
nature of the father-son relationship will precipitate feelings of anger
and sadness for most men. Asking how the son resembles or is different
from his father usually evokes strong feelings. I ask sons to bring in
photographs of their fathers, of the two of them together, or family
portraits, gifts the father have given to the son bring practical and
symbolic meaning into the therapy.

Open grieving goes against individual, family, and cultural
imprinting for men. Grieving feels alien to men, especially allowing
others (spouse, children, father, friends, or therapist) to see the
tears, rage, and shame that are parts of their clandestine, disowned
self.

Another aspect of grieving occurs while exploring the
family-of-origin rules imposed on the son. These rules are part of the
legacy that binds the son and inhibits him from being fully intimate. A
typical rule in father-absent families is not to inquire or talk about
the father. This mundane rule of silence further solidifies the societal
message for boys not to be emotionally or verbally expressive. Silence
within the family about the father may lead to the unspoken becoming
unspeakable, which often evolves into, or coexists with, shame. Family
rules in these types of situations protect the mysteriously absent
father and harm his children and former partner.

One of the difficult aspects of these therapies is that by
confronting and dispelling early family-of-origin rules, the abandoned
son may flee both the treatment and his relationship. The creation of a
positive therapeutic alliance is the foundation upon which the treatment
can successfully proceed. The rage and shame that surface can get
misdirected. Labeling these feelings as part of the absent father
problem helps the son clarify and direct them toward the source. Wives,
mothers, and children have too often born the brunt of men's
misdirected anger. Containing the anger in the therapy gives the son an
added perspective. The therapist can model and set limits regarding
appropriate ways to express anger (Cullen & Freeman-Longo, 1995;
Lee, 1993; Weisinger, 1985). The therapist can teach the son assertive
methods to employ with his father and others. Repeated debriefings of
the incidents that generate anger for the son reduce the intensity of
his rage, an indication that he is ready to pursue (re)unification.

PREPARATION FOR (RE)UNIFICATION

After a sufficient period of mourning, the next treatment goal is
(re)unification between the abandoned son and his absent father.
Depending upon the physical availability of the father, variations in
treatment can take place. For adult sons who have had contact with their
absent father, a focus on reunification is appropriate. For those sons
without contact with their father, the goal of mourning will have to
suffice.

Preparing the abandoned son to engage the absent father begins
with clarifying the son's unspoken wishes. What did he always want
to say to his father, to ask his father, to share with his father? What
were the impediments to asking or sharing?

Role playing these conversations, utilizing family sculpture,
psychodramatic techniques, gestalt, or other active techniques assists
the son in rehearsing what he wants to convey to his father.

FATHER-SON THERAPY SESSIONS

Following the preparation, the son invites his father to participate
in treatment. In my clinical experience, to date, each invited father
has attended a family of origin meeting with his son, or participated in
some type of son-father treatment. This speaks to the needs of the
absent father as well as the needs of the son. These therapy sessions
typically number between one and ten, often with as much as a month or
more between sessions, during which specific relationship assignments
are completed.

Headley (1977) offers excellent suggestions in how the therapist
and client can work together to accomplish a successful invitation. This
process focuses on understanding the needs of both generations,
conveying in a letter the wish to reunite, and blocks aspects of blame
that usually negate progress.

One principle in working with absent fathers is focus on what is
within the son's power to relate in the ways that he prefers,
regardless of the father's response. The therapeutic effort is not
to change the father. The purpose of the treatment is to help the son
relate to his absent father in different and preferred ways. The father
is not the focus of change, although the father may change as well.

An abandoned man often says he could never ask his father to
participate. Yet, the act of asking is often the climax of the treatment
since the son now feels empowered.

Many fathers approach entering family therapy with apprehension or
fear, particularly if they belong to a generation in which therapy
implied severe mental illness. To their credit, they have embarked on a
journey with their sons that often has wide-ranging impact on their own
lives.

Based on an intergenerational premise, the needs of the absent
father are viewed as identical to those of the abandoned son, that is, a
need to increase his capacity for self-esteem and intimacy in his
family, to initiate and respond to the needs of his partner and
children, and to become more emotionally expressive. The father would
need to grieve the loss of his father, (re)connect with his partner, and
bond with his son.

Since the fathers share with their sons some degree of longing
(usually unexpressed and often unacknowledged), the opportunity to
"help" their son is an attractive offer. It reinforces their
self-concept as a good father, even if the evidence is obviously
contrary. For those fathers who know they have failed their sons in some
way, it affords another chance.

Once the father has committed to the treatment, the task becomes
to free the son from the earlier relationship constraints. To free
himself, the son must talk to his father about the stored-up feelings,
thoughts, and wishes from the past. Through this he takes on a realistic
view of his father (past and present) that integrates the father's
deficits and assets.

The son gains a new image of his father by the process of
(re)unification. He has the benefit of watching his father struggle with
a difficult relationship task. He hears his father discuss his side of
their earlier relationship and whatever pains or dilemmas he
experienced.

Unfortunately, some fathers rewound their sons. The father may not
have changed his earlier abandoning or abusive behaviors. The
possibility of greater wounding or disappointment is discussed during
the preparation stage, before inviting the father to join the therapy.
Rarely is an absent father all that a son wishes or hopes for. Some
fathers lack interest, many are relationally incapable, and others
abdicated their moral and family responsibilities decades earlier.

ADULT SON/ADULT FATHER RELATIONSHIP

Some fathers and sons reconcile. The next task is employing the
newfound intimacy generated in that relationship to help the son. This
occurs through the active development of the adult-to-adult relationship
and by the father's sharing of his own experiences.

The enhanced adult son-adult father relationship often requires
the son to make the initial and subsequent moves towards (re)connection
with his father(2) Assessing the benefits to the son occurs in the
context of the possible damage from rewounding. Therapies of all types
assume a positive outcome. This is not always true for sons trying to
form intimate relationships with their fathers.

The usefulness of the father's stated advice to his adult son
is of secondary importance. The son need not accept or agree with the
content. The effort by the father is his gift to his son. The danger in
this stage is that the father will attempt to dominate or impose his
beliefs onto his son. When the son can continue to assert himself with
his father this stage is completed. If the father is unable to accept
his son's adult decisions, or is invalidating to his son in other
ways, this phase adjourns.

In the unhappy outcomes the fathers reveal their deficits or lack
of interest, and the sons of necessity disconnect and say goodbye to
them. A second round of grieving for the abandoned son ensues. The goal
is once again to reduce the mystery of his absent father so the son can
appropriately attach in his current intimate relationship.

At this point in the treatment, the abandoned son is in a better
position to enhance his relationship with his intimate partner. Couples
therapy resumes with the original complaints and goals being addressed.

CASE EXAMPLE

His marital therapist referred Mr. P., a 34-year-old businessman, for
individual psychotherapy.(3) Married for five years, he and his wife
separated soon after the birth of Daniel. Mr. P. felt "uneasy"
about being a father. While continuing in marital therapy, he has not
reunited with his family. He reported that he was worried about
increased demands on his time, that he was catching up on things he had
missed out on as a child, uncertain about how to be a father, and
missing his wife, whose attention was more focused on their son. Mr. P.
identified "unfinished business" with his father revolving
around feelings of abandonment and anger.

Mr. P. is an only child. When he was six, his father divorced his
mother, left without explanation, and has remained absent without any
contact since then. His mother was the sole supporter of the family,
often working two jobs. Mr. P. was "on his own" and
economically self-supporting by age 14.

His initial goal in individual therapy was to understand why he
left after his son was born. He also had a strong desire to reunite with
his family. In a six-month course of treatment, Mr. P. explored his
anger toward his father by talking with his mother, asking questions
about his parents' marriage, his father's personality, and
what triggered the divorce. He reviewed photos of his father, noticing
the physical similarities. He also began a Journal of letters addressed
to his father in which he was able to express his longing, his
questions, his anger and frustration, most poignantly expressed in one
letter as, "I'm not going to let your abandoning me ruin my
future!"

As Mr. P. focused on family-of-origin work, he developed a wider
range of emotional expression and was able to cry for the first time in
his life for what he had missed and still missed. Sharing his grief with
his wife helped him to distinguish between his life and his
father's life. This separation of past and present allowed him to
reconnect with his wife and to build a connection with his infant son.

Mr. P. searched for his father, based on the information that he
received from his mother. He contacted his paternal aunt, who had
remained in contact with his father. She agreed to help Mr. P. in
contacting his father. Mr. P. and his father exchanged letters.
Initially, these letters were short, chatty, and just reported the
current news to each other. Letters progressed to telephone calls. After
several calls, Mr. P. asked his father if he would like to meet in
person. Encouraged by their contacts, he agreed to meet for lunch
mid-way between their homes.

At follow-up contact three months after his last individual
session, Mr. P. was reunited with his family and continuing to see his
father. He persisted in couples therapy to help overcome the pains of
marital separation and the loss of his father and to enrich his ability
to be a father and husband.

SUMMARY

The consequence of father absence reveals its damage, when the son
attempts to form and sustain an adult intimate relationship. At each
developmental stage, the abandoned son typically experiences
relationship difficulties that propel him into treatment, usually at the
behest of his spouse. Treatment focuses on the reduction of mystery
regarding his absent father. This process entails grieving and
(re)unification with his father. Following the grieving and reduction of
mystery, the son is in a more wholesome position to succeed in his
intimate relationship.

NOTES

(1.) Changes in the American economy since 1940 have also forced
mothers to work outside of the home in increasing numbers. Often this
means that for single-parent (mother-headed) families, the children are
without a parent in the home for much of their day.

(2.) Bryant (1997) offers a perspective for those interested in
father-initiated reunifications.

(3.) Identifying information has been disguised to ensure
confidentiality.

REFERENCES

Ackerman, R. (1993). Silent sons: A book for and about men. New York:
Simon and Schuster.

Byng-Hall, J. (1991). The application of attachment theory to
understanding and treatment in family therapy. In C. Parkes, J.
Stevenson-Hinde, & P. Marris (Eds.), Attachment across the life
cycle (pp. 199-215). New York: Routledge.

Williamson, D. (1978). New life at the graveyard: A method of therapy
for individuation from a dead former parent. Journal of Marriage and
Family Counseling, 4,93-100.

The author wishes to acknowledge the thoughtful consideration of the
following colleagues in helping him prepare this paper: Kendall Dudley,
John Hubbell, Richard Jacobs, Renda Mott, Jack Stemback, and this
journal's anonymous reviewers.