If your family has difficulty staying in the same room for an extended time, these tips are for you

Holidays can bring out the best and the
worst in families. Even in families that enjoy each other, it’s not at all
unusual for the adult children to start acting in patterns they learned as
siblings growing up together or as rebellious teens. For families with simmering conflicts, the pressure to be together for
any extended length of time can reach a boiling point.

We all have some say in which way it goes. If yours is a
family that has difficulty staying in the same room with each other for an
extended time, here are some guidelines for making the holiday time with family
memorable — in a good way.

Accept people as they are. Holiday time
is not the time to confront someone about old or current hurts or to
try to educate them about their downer effect on the rest of the gang. They
haven’t changed in decades so why would you think that a talking-to now will
make a difference? Save yourself and the
family from the inevitable fallout from an argument.

Practice some verbal judo. Just because
someone invites you to replay an old fight or participate in a current
competition doesn’t mean you have to play. If you feel baited, bullied or
simply on the receiving end of a thoughtless comment, don’t respond in kind.
Instead, do as the politicians do: Deflect the comment with a question that
will engage the speaker or introduce a story they might enjoy. If someone
offers an unwanted critique, simply say something neutral like, “I’ll have to
think about that” or “That’s such an
interesting insight.” No sarcasm, please. You can promptly forget whatever it
was. Just move the conversation to something more neutral.

Set the kids up for a positive visit. Kids who are over-tired, over-stimulated or
underfed are one cross word from a meltdown. Make sure they have napped and had
a snack before you hit the door. Try to talk to the relatives about limiting
the number or nature of the gifts. This may not work (see #1) but sometimes
relatives who don’t see your family often really don’t know the age, stage and
interests of the children. It only takes a tactful conversation to help a willing
relative be the best gift-giver ever.

Limit your intake of alcohol. Most family
debacles are fueled by too much beer or wine or too many cocktails. You can’t
monitor or mandate other people’s partying but you do have control of your own.
Nurse a drink for a long period of time, switch to seltzer after one or two or
forgo libations altogether.

Plan for a graceful and appreciative
exit.
If family get-togethers are always
problematic, plan an “emergency exit” for yourself. Create a pressing responsibility that limits
the time you can stay. Ask a friend to call to check in at a certain time. If
things aren’t going well, you can use the call as a reason to leave. Make sure
you always have transportation available. Then trust your instincts. You know
these people. When you think things are going to disintegrate, express your
thanks for a wonderful time, tell everyone how lovely it was to see them, convey
your regrets that you can’t stay longer and go.

Hopefully you won’t need any of these tactics. Hopefully you
will have the kind of time together that is the stuff of old holiday musicals.
But if you love difficult people who are likely to be difficult, be prepared.
You do have some power to bring out their best.

Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D., is a licensed psychologist and marriage and family therapist. She is a feature writer and advice columnist for Psychcentral.com and contributes to the divorce page on huffingtonpost.com. Her latest book is “Unlocking the Secrets of Self-Esteem: A Guide to Building Confidence and Connection One Step at a Time.”

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