Thursday, October 26, 2006

Hello, and welcome to the Phile. Last Monday, on October 23rd, it was Jen and my 9th anniversary. That's nine years she had to put up with me as a husband. Poor thing. She has never let me down, even though I let her down a ton of times. Last year Jen and her niece Spring went to see Keith Urban in concert on our anniversary. This year they checked into a drug and alcohol center in Nashville. Country-singer Keith Urban checked himself into a rehab center last week for drinking problems. While he's there he's going to record a cover of 'I Drink Alone'. There are now 300 million people in the United States. That either means we are a strong democracy or we have a poor border patrol. Kim Jung Il is reportedly ecstatic about North Korea’s successful nuclear test. He’s feeling five feet tall! He’s a strange guy. What’s up with the pompadour? He looks like Wayne Newton and William Hung had a kid. Florida Congressman Mark Foley has completed one week of his rehab. He has gone seven days without a page. The Army has changed their slogan from "Army of One” to "Army: Strong”. A number of other countries have done the same. India is now "We fix more computer by 9:00 AM than most do all day.” Switzerland is "See what a pocket knife, scissors, corkscrew and little nail file can do for you.” Morocco, "Less talk, more rocco!” And Cuba, "Invading America one raft at a time.” President Bush is working hard on the Iraq situation. Today he told the Iraqi people to "get governing”. Then he went on to introduce his new speech writer, Larry the Cable Guy. Major League Baseball has announced a formal investigation into Barry Bonds alleged steroid use. The investigation will involve looking at a photograph of Barry Bonds. Isn’t politics just horrible these days? People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions of dollars on plastic surgery. She’s so good looking now that her husband hit on her by accident last night. O.J. Simpson is writing a novel. Things are going good so far. He’s agreed to meet at a Barnes and Noble for a book stabbing. There is an initiative in the state of Nevada to legalize small amounts of marijuana. This is the first time marijuana and initiative has appeared in the same sentence. And finally, a recent study has found that teenagers use text messaging on average of 110 times per week. 80 of them from Mark Foley.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

With no football to delay the start of The Amazing Race 10 this week, the action began on time as the teams headed for Kuwait, site of one of the race sightings from last summer. Highlights from the actual episode: The route information was not a piece of paper, but a Nokia phone that had a videotaped message of Phil on it. Trying to get tickets to fly to Kuwait, Peter told a travel agent, “We need help very quickly — a medical emergency for her leg.” Sarah didn’t object, and I guess she can use her disability in any way she’d like; I just wish she’d use her artificial leg to kick Peter in the peter. Also at the travel agency, the blondes played the Miss America card, trying to get faster service by flaunting their titles. At a challenge in Kuwait City, Peter told Sarah, “I think you climb here.” I’m super-impressed by Sarah’s abilities, but don’t you think it’d be a better idea for the guy with two non-leaking, non-artificial legs to climb up the side of one of the Kuwait Towers? If that happened, though, Peter wouldn’t be able to sit on his ass and scream obnoxious things at Sarah such as, “the bionic spider woman!” In 10 seasons, there haven’t been an act of altruism such as there was in this episode. Of course, that’s because this is a race, not Boy Scouts. But I digress. “The Cho brothers,” Mary explained, put the whole race on the line for us.” They did so by stalling the other teams and thus allowing David and Mary to go for the Fast Forward, and thus arrive at the pit stop first, avoiding their Marked for Elimination penalty. Why the hell would the Cho brothers do such a thing? “We wanted to play a certain way, and they’ve been good friends, so, we want to keep them in as long as possible,” Erwin explained. “It’s a bit of a risk for us since we’re now last; hopefully we won’t be eliminated for it.” Fortunately, they weren’t; they didn’t even come in last place. At the Fast Forward, Mary prepared to approach a (mock) burning oil well to retrieve the Fast Forward, and all she had on her mind was fame. “I’m nervous. I’m scared to death. But maybe Steven Seagal will see me and want me to be on one of his movies,” she said. That movie will be called Under Seige 3: In a Car with Coalminer and Wife. Explaining the Detour task, Phil said, “Teams choose one of these robotic jockeys and attach it to a camel. Using a voice-activated remote control, which causes the jockey to lightly whip the camel, they must drive it to the end of a 140 yard track.” How many times do you think Phil had to deliver those lines before he did so without laughing? And by the way, the word “lightly” was clearly added to appease PETA and friends. Because, in all fairness, the robotic jockey’s whip was basically a weed whacker attached to the camel’s back. David and Mary, Marked for Elimination, checked in first, and even won a prize. Of course, they did so thanks to the Fast Forward and the help of their friends. Since one of the two Fast Forwards was on the leg following the non-elimination leg, it sort of seems like the producers have largely given up on the non-elimination leg, and that’s okay with me. Even a 30-minute penalty isn’t that severe, as we’ve seen many teams survive those over the years. Peter is a douchebag and a bad liar. Trying to hide the fact that they’d found the clue, he told another team, “We have to move our car; we’re illegally parked.” Last week’s episode had a series of those false cliffhangers. This week, the editors played with the expectation of those, and it totally worked. Before the break, Peter and Sarah were lost, but accidentally saw a race flag. “I’m so glad I saw that,” Peter said in his smug-ass way. After the break, though, they realized they’d stumbled on the already taken Fast Forward, not the task. Ha! One of the reasons why I’m liking this season is that the assumed underdogs are coming out ahead. Tyler and James checked in second-to-last, again, while David and Mary were first, followed by the other “weaker” teams. Peter and Sarah were finally put out of their misery, and each indicated their relationship is over. Sarah was harsh, saying Peter “isn’t a very nurturing or kind individual.” I kind of hoped for a Biggest Loser-style update: Where are they now? “He’s not the person for me,” Sarah said. But did they get back together? Has he begun shouting Successories at another legless person?

And now for a new feature of the Phile I like to call...

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Sure, Darth Maul. Sure, you're going to master the lightsaber. Just like you said you were going to master the guitar and now it just sits there in the living room gathering dust. The only thing you ever mastered was a box of Twinkies.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1440: Gilles de Rais, one of the wealthiest noblemen in France, is executed for heresy after he is found to have engaged in the kidnap, sodomization, and murder of 200 young boys from the lower classes. Rais enjoyed masturbating on the stomachs of the boys as they suffered excruciating deaths, sometimes also enjoying necrophilia with their corpses. 1944: Vice President Harry S Truman publicly denies ever having been a member of the Ku Klux Klan. 1970: Political comic strip Doonesbury appears in newspapers for the first time. Garry Trudeau's creation confused newspaper editors: Does it belong in the funny pages or the editorial section? 1979: Kim Jae Kyu, director of South Korea's central intelligence agency, "accidentally" shoots President Park Chung Hee to death, also killing Park's bodyguard. Park had been president (dictator, effectively) since 1961. Kim is executed the following May for his attempted coup d'etat. 1984: The newborn "Baby Fae" is given the heart of a baboon, in an operation performed by Dr. Leonard Bailey in Loma Linda, California. She lasts 21 days. 1984: 19-year-old John D. McCollum kills himself with a .22 caliber handgun after spending the day listening to Ozzy Osbourne records. One year later, McCollum's parents file suit against Ozzy and CBS Records, alleging that the song "Suicide Solution" from the album Blizzard of Ozz contributed to their son's death. Except that the song's subject was quite plainly alcohol addiction. The case is eventually thrown out of court. 1991: 33-year-old insurance agent Lori Keevil-Matthews visits an outdoor art project installed by Christo. 1,760 yellow umbrellas were scattered along the ridge line of the Tejon Pass, near Interstate 5 in Southern California. Then a freak 40 mph gust suddenly picks up a 485-pound umbrella, slamming the spectator against a boulder. She dies on the scene. 1997: During a 1,500-person tug-of-war contest in Taipei the rope snaps, suddenly amputating the left arms of Chen Ming-kuo and Yang Chung-ming. The two men had wrapped the rope around their left biceps [big mistake] Both arms are successfully reattached. 1997: Basketball great Charles Barkley is charged with aggravated battery and resisting arrest after throwing 20-year-old man Jorge Lugo through a plate glass window in an Orlando, Florida dance club. Barkley later tells reporters: "I regret we weren't on a higher floor." 2002: After pumping an aerosol form of the fast-acting anesthetic Fentanyl Citrate into the air, Russian special forces raid the Palace of Culture of the Podshipnikov Zavod. Three days prior, Chechen terrorists captured 750 audience members inside the Moscow theater. The gas kills 116 captives. About fifty terrorists are slain as well, primarily from summary execution (close-range pistol shots to the head).

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

Daddy's Little Poledancer: Tesco has been forced to remove a pole-dancing kit from the toys and games section of its website after it was accused of "destroying children's innocence". The Tesco Direct site advertises the kit with the words, "Unleash the sex kitten inside...simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes and away you go! "Soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars". The £49.97 kit comprises a chrome pole extendible to 8ft 6ins, a 'sexy dance garter' and a DVD demonstrating suggestive dance moves. The kit, condemned as 'extremely dangerous' by family campaigners yesterday, was discovered by mother of two Karen Gallimore who was searching for Christmas gifts for her two daughters, Laura 10, and Sarah, 11. Mrs Gallimore, 33, of Ellesmere Port, Cheshire, said yesterday: "I'm no prude, but any children can go on there and see it. It's just not on." Dr Adrian Rogers, of family campaigning group Family Focus said yesterday that the kit would "destroy children's lives". He said: "Tesco is Britain's number one chain, this is extremely dangerous. It is an open invitation to turn the youngest children on to sexual behaviour. "This will be sold to four, five and six-year olds. This is a most dangerous toy that will contribute towards destroying children's innocence." He added: "Children are being encouraged to dance round a pole which is interpreted in the adult world as a phallic symbol. "It ought to be stopped, it really requires the intervention of members of Parliament. This should only be available to the most depraved people who want to corrupt their children." Tesco today agreed to remove the product from the Toy section of the site, but said it will remain on sale as a Fitness Accessory, despite the fact that the product description invites users to "unleash the sex kitten inside". Also on sale on the Tesco website is a strip poker game, "Peekaboo Poker" which is illustrated by a picture of a reclining woman in underwear. The card game is is described as a game that "risks the risque and brings a whole lot of naughtiness to the table. "Played with a unique pack of Peekaboo Boy and Girl playing cards, the aim of the game is to win as many Peekaboo chips as possible and turn them into outrageously naughty fun." The pole dance kit is the latest item to fuel allegations that major retailers increasingly sell products which "sexualise" young children such as T-shirts with suggestive messages. In recent years Asda was forced to remove from sale pink and black lace lingerie, including a push-up bra to girls as young as nine. Next had to remove t-shirts on sale for girls as young as six with the slogan "so many boys, so little time." And BHS and others came under fire for selling padded bras embellished with a "Little Miss Naughty" logo and t-shirts with a Playboy-style bunny that said "I love boys...They are stupid." Tesco last night denied the pole dancing kit was sexually oriented and said it was clearly marked for "adult use". A spokesman added: "Pole dancing is an increasing exercise craze. This item is for people who want to improve their fitness and have fun at the same time."

CANNED LAUGHTER

Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied six. The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail." Just as the judge was about to use his gavel, the woman's husbandspoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

IDIOT'S LANTERN

Lost: ABC's hit series Lost will return for the second half of its third season on Feb. 7, after a 13-week hiatus; it will then run without repeats until the end of the season. Lost is currently airing six original episodes and will then take a break after the Nov. 8 episode, to be replaced by the SF series Day Break in the Wednesday 9 p.m. timeslot, starting Nov. 15. The two-part season is designed to avoid last season's midseason reruns. When Lost returns in February, it will have 16 weeks of uninterrupted episodes. Heroes: Tim Kring, creator and executive producer of NBC's hit series Heroes, said that audiences can expect the show's superpowered characters to start joining forces and working as a team in upcoming episodes. "As their destiny starts to sort of become intermingled with one another, yes, they have to form this sort of alliance with one another," Kring said in a conference call with journalists on Oct. 11. "And then, in a sense, join with each other in order to figure out what's going on. Every character has sort of a tiny piece of the puzzle. So the puzzle gets put together by the characters coming together." Rather than continuing to focus on the individual storylines of the large cast of characters, Kring said that Heroes will gradually integrate the threads into a single overarching story. "If you sort of look at it as kind of a funnel, it starts wide and starts to narrow," he said. "As these characters start to cross paths, you no longer have to tell eight stories. You can tell four stories or three stories. So there is a natural progression that's allowing us to tell less and less scattered stories." Kring confirmed that the heroes will find a common enemy in the mysterious serial killer known as Sylar, who Kring called the "major villain" of the first season. Though the identity of Sylar hasn't been revealed, he may be someone that viewers have already met. "We're going to leave some of the answers to that vague, because I really want the audience to be surprised when we do introduce the character." Kring said. "I know there is speculation that the character is somebody that is among the characters already, and I'm comfortable with that speculation. And I kind of don't want to give it away." Heroes airs Mondays at 9 p.m. PT/ET.

BIZARRE X-RAYS

X-rays from Central Prison in Raleigh, N.C., show items such as bed springs and batteries that prisoners swallowed to gain trips to outside hospitals.

Premonition vs. Deja Vu vs. The Fountain vs. The Time Traveler's Wife: Movies about people who can see into the future, "bend time" or live forever. Though hopping across decades to ogle Rachel McAdams makes a certain amount of sense.

The Day I Turned Uncool: Adam Sandler may star in yet another tale of an I-don't-wanna-grow-up dude. Man, it must really suck to realize that you aren't cool anymore. Good thing that hasn't happened to me. Phew!

Bee Movie: Here's what Jerry Seinfeld looks like as a CGI bumblebee. I mean, what's the deal with honeycomb? Can somebody explain that stuff!?

Halo: Hey, gamer geeks: If 200 million of you each chip in a buck, this movie might still happen.

Okay, that's about it for another Phile entry. Before I go I have some business to talk about. My good friend Derek Maki has sent me this e-mail and I thought I would add it here to give him a hand.

Greetings friends, family, fans and Coolwaters (& Derek Maki) mailing list folks!INSTANT DADS has got 4 stars so far on dovetail.tv. BUT that is not enough. If you have not done so already we ask (PLEAD, BEG) all of you to PLEASE go to: www.dovetail.tv/app.html In the search area type in INSTANT DADS. you can then download out film. THE MORE DOWNLOADS the better chance we have at winning an award. Your help is appreciated! ALSO ANOTHER on line film festival is at:

http://independentfeatures.com/ Unlike the thousands of film festivals throughout the world, The Independent Features Film Festival is the first in which the viewers will determine which films will be screened. The web-based competition runs June 1-30, 2007. Here's how it works: Sign up for a free login. Log onto the web site. Choose the film you wish to view. View the film. Rate the film. It's that easy. The filmmaker will get one bonus point for every time their film is viewed. Each film can be viewed only one time per user. The films will be rated on a star system, one star being the lowest, five stars being the highest. At the end of the voting period, the top three films from each category will receive an invitation to the Independent Features Film Festival at the Tribeca Cinemas in New York City. Winners will be announced July 4th, 2007!

Again PLEASE I BEG OF YOU ALL goto this site, download INSTANT DADS so we can win some festival awards! Thanks a million everyone!!!! YOU ALL ROCK!!!!! So, if you can help my friend Derek that would be very cool.

Check out my webshots page for a whole batch of new pictures. The link is http://good-times.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs?start=448 and check out the pages after that. Well, I'll be back next Thursday for another update. Until then, I will leave you with a random pic. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Or, if you like it better, I’ll be Saddam and you be the spider-hole. If you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink wink. Anyway, welcome to the Phile. I am your host Jason 'Broken Toe' Peverett. Over the past weekend I slipped on some cardboard in Logan's room and my foot hit the book shelf, breaking one of my toes. A guy jumped the fence at the White House and got very close before the Secret Service got him. That’s the problem, once you get over the fence there’s nowhere to go. So there was two people at the White House without an exit strategy. There are reports that the military is having troubles in some areas of Afghanistan where the marijuana forests are over ten feet tall. I’m thinking just set out some Doritos and Twinkies near the forest. Senator Hillary Clinton says that she would be in favor of legalized torture on terrorists to get information that we need. That’s bad news for Bill! Bill Clinton was recently asked about rumors he has once again been unfaithful in his marriage. Many Democrats are concerned with this and have warned him about it. When asked, Bill said that there was nothing to the rumors. One thing we know, when Bill Clinton denies something – we can take that statement to the bank! Wal-Mart has just built the second largest store in China. It is called the Great Wal-Mart of China. The Mayor of San Francisco is under fire for dating a 20-year-old. There was a picture of them together in the paper and she was holding a glass of wine. The problem being she’s only 20. I know what you’re thinking – the Mayor of San Francisco is straight?! There was an earthquake in Hawaii last Monday. President Bush said that the government would do everything to help the people of Hawaii out. He went on to say that he considers Hawaii to be one of our most important allies. FEMA was on site immediately. Actually they had just showed up for the bombing of Pearl Harbor the day before and just figured while they were there they might as well check out the earthquake. Did you see that fight at the college football game between Miami and Florida International? 31 players were suspended. Not only were they suspended but they now also will have to take actual tests in college. That’s never happened before. John Kerry says that he deserves a second chance to run for president. I say if his wife can afford it – why not? Mark Foley is now writing a book. The book is said to be about 400 pages long. No word on what the book is about, though it will be about 400 pages.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

I don’t know what the problem is with this “football” being incapable of ending on time, but having now tuned in to The Amazing Race 10 twice, now, only to find 60 Minutes on instead, I’m getting annoyed. Whatever games you are playing, football, enough is enough. And because of this, I didn't get to see the second half of the Amazing Race. And on Survivor, the tribes may have merged on Survivor Cook Islands, but the show’s diverse cast is getting less diverse with every passing week. Five people have now been voted off, and all five white people and all five Asians remain. What does this mean? Perhaps nothing, but here’s the breakdown so far. Number of people voted off by original tribe membership: Aitu (Latino): 3, Hiki (black): 2, Puka (Asian): 0, Raro (white): 0.

HEROES

Tim Kring, creator and executive producer of NBC's hit series Heroes, told SCI FI Wire that audiences can expect the show's superpowered characters to start joining forces and working as a team in upcoming episodes. "As their destiny starts to sort of become intermingled with one another, yes, they have to form this sort of alliance with one another," Kring said in a conference call with journalists on Oct. 11. "And then, in a sense, join with each other in order to figure out what's going on. Every character has sort of a tiny piece of the puzzle. So the puzzle gets put together by the characters coming together." Rather than continuing to focus on the individual storylines of the large cast of characters, Kring said that Heroes will gradually integrate the threads into a single overarching story. "If you sort of look at it as kind of a funnel, it starts wide and starts to narrow," he said. "As these characters start to cross paths, you no longer have to tell eight stories. You can tell four stories or three stories. So there is a natural progression that's allowing us to tell less and less scattered stories." Kring confirmed that the heroes will find a common enemy in the mysterious serial killer known as Sylar, who Kring called the "major villain" of the first season. Though the identity of Sylar hasn't been revealed, he may be someone that viewers have already met. "We're going to leave some of the answers to that vague, because I really want the audience to be surprised when we do introduce the character." Kring said. "I know there is speculation that the character is somebody that is among the characters already, and I'm comfortable with that speculation. And I kind of don't want to give it away." Heroes airs Mondays at 9 p.m. PT/ET.

CANNED LAUGHTER

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh.

Siamese twins from the U.S. vacation at the same resort in England every year. The manager recognizes the conjoined brothers on one visit and asks if they keep coming back for the sights. "Oh, no," one of the twins says. "We've seen everything the city has to offer." "Perhaps you enjoy our many pubs?" the manager asks. "We don't drink," one twin replies. "You must fancy our fish and chips, then?" the manager asks. "No, we prefer burgers," one twin says. "Then what makes you come back year after year?" the manager asks. The left twin points to his brother and says, "It's the only chance he gets to drive."

TODAY IN HISTORY

1982: Maverick carmaker John DeLorean is arrested in Los Angeles with $24M worth of cocaine in his suitcase. The case is later thrown out of court when a judge rules that the FBI sting operation constituted entrapment. 1987: The New York Stock Exchange suffers its worst crash in history, when the market suddenly loses $500B. The Dow Jones Industrial Average drops 22.6%, twice the amount of the 1929 crash. 1997: During the warm-up act at the Pittsburgh Civic Arena, 4,642 Mötley Crüe fans - including a few minor children - are treated to a vignette from a pornographic video projected above the stage. The scene depicts a naked woman masturbating with a dildo and performing fellatio. Tommy Lee does not appear in the video. 1998: The ClubLove website posts nude photos of irritating radio personality "Dr." Laura Schlessinger. At first, Schlessinger denies the pictures are of her, but then inexplicably files a copyright infringement suit against IEG, publisher of the site. In doing so, Schlessinger tacitly admits the authenticity of the nudie pictures, which includes a "money shot." Ultimately, IEG prevails, and the photos remain on the site. Dr. Laura's radio show consists of a prudish, moralistic and religious advice show, making this whole episode highly amusing.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

Way Too Much Science Fiction: Evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry of the London School of Economics expects a genetic upper class and a dim-witted underclass to emerge. The human race would peak in the year 3000, he said - before a decline due to dependence on technology. People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added. The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures. But in the nearer future, humans will evolve in 1,000 years into giants between 6ft and 7ft tall, he predicts, while life-spans will have extended to 120 years, Dr Curry claims. Physical appearance, driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility, will improve, he says, while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises. Women, on the other hand, will develop lighter, smooth, hairless skin, large clear eyes, pert breasts, glossy hair, and even features, he adds. Racial differences will be ironed out by interbreeding, producing a uniform race of coffee-coloured people. However, Dr Curry warns, in 10,000 years time humans may have paid a genetic price for relying on technology. Spoiled by gadgets designed to meet their every need, they could come to resemble domesticated animals. Social skills, such as communicating and interacting with others, could be lost, along with emotions such as love, sympathy, trust and respect. People would become less able to care for others, or perform in teams. Physically, they would start to appear more juvenile. Chins would recede, as a result of having to chew less on processed food. There could also be health problems caused by reliance on medicine, resulting in weak immune systems. Preventing deaths would also help to preserve the genetic defects that cause cancer. Further into the future, sexual selection - being choosy about one's partner - was likely to create more and more genetic inequality, said Dr Curry. The logical outcome would be two sub-species, "gracile" and "robust" humans similar to the Eloi and Morlocks foretold by HG Wells in his 1895 novel The Time Machine. "While science and technology have the potential to create an ideal habitat for humanity over the next millennium, there is a possibility of a monumental genetic hangover over the subsequent millennia due to an over-reliance on technology reducing our natural capacity to resist disease, or our evolved ability to get along with each other, said Dr Curry.

BIZARRE X-RAYS

A An 6-inch pair of surgical scissors appears in the abdomen of Australian Pat Skinner in April 2004 -- 18 months after her initial operation.

MOVIE BUZZ

Ghost Rider: This clip will do nothing to convince you that the flick won't be monumentally stupid, but I gotta admit, watching Nic Cage's skull burning up is freakin' awesome!

Iron Man: Head over to Jon Favreau's MySpace blog to help him cast hottie Pepper Potts, who, obviously, should be played by Alyson Hannigan. And while you're there, deliver a digital slap upside the head to the idiots calling for Britney Spears and Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer: Silver Is Only Skin Deep Before CGI, he's the Green Surfer.

Casino Royale: Bond's got a history of selling out, but watching Vesper Lynd and the voice of 007 pitch Heinekenis downright depressing.

The Best Time Of Our Lives: The relationship between Keira Knightley and Lindsay Lohan may have "lesbian undertones." This does not guarantee hot girl-on-girl make-out sessions. Though I certainly wouldn't object. Just saying.

The Dark Knight: Looks like the Penguin will be a no-show in the Batman sequel, which means no Philip Seymour Hoffman either. With Chris Nolan's co-writer bro saying that Warner Brothers has a "team of ninjas" that will "double execute" him if he leaks any info, consider all Internet innuendo to be complete B.S. until further notice.

Dallas: The Movie: Everyone — including J-Lo, Luke Wilson, Meg Ryan, Shirley MacLaine and maybe even the director — has bailed except John Travolta, whose willingness to stick with this project is no doubt the result of fatsuit-induced heatstroke.

Well, that's about it. I had a great time this past weekend with my sister Lucy, her husband Seth, and their three kids Noah, Jonah and Leah and my other sister Leila with her husband Ben and their dog Bodie. I will be posting pics from the family reunion soon on webshots as well as pictures from the trainers day out at work. I have tons of pics to post! Also, it looks like we won't be moving until early next year, so there's not going to be a break in the weekly Phile, if I have a say. I will leave you with a random pic for now, and until next week, spread the word and not the turd.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile. This week the new attraction at Epcot opens called 'The Seas With Nemo And Friends'. I haven't been on it yet but I heard at the end Nemo gets captured and served as sushi. With the news coverage I’m not sure what to be more worried about. Terrorists in the Middle East, a dictator in North Korea, or a congressman from South Florida. We haven’t been able to confirm whether or not North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb. Confirm? We can’t even confirm who the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby is. It’s interesting how times have changed. Remember when it was a good thing when two congressmen were on the same page? The U.S. Army has a new slogan. They are dropping the "Army of One” slogan. The new one is "Army Strong”. Army Strong – which beat out the phrase, "Did someone say Jihad?” Twenty-five of the wealthiest men in American are currently out of work. But enough about the New York Yankees. Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie have settled their dispute. They say that their two hearts combined make one. Their two brains combined also make one. The signs of autumn are all around us. Today for example Terrell Owens almost overdosed on cider. Cher, the star, the national treasure, she just had a big auction. She auctioned off over 800 items including a Louis XVI chair. Actually Cher is so old that the chair was used by Louis XVI.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

THE AMAZING RACE 10: One of the simpler tasks in Amazing Race history, rowing a boat, caused nearly every team to implode last Sunday as they struggled against wind and each other. At the very start, Phil told us, “At the end of the last leg , Rob collapsed from heat exhaustion, and received medical attention before being deemed fit enough to continue.” Physically fit, that is. Mentally, not so much, as he continued to compete for the memorial Jonathan and Colin jerk award. Shortly after Tyler told us, “I know that when he’s down, I’ll try to pick him up, and if I’m down, he’ll try to pick me up. It’s always been that way in our friendship,” he told his friend and former junkie pal, “I’m going to see how much dong you got.” He was, of course, being a four-year-old and making fun of Vietnamese currency’s phallic name, not actually fondling his friend. Mary told us that the race was challenging. “I’m a couch potato. I stay home and I watch reality TV all the time,” he said. Now I know why I love her and feel like we’re BFFs: We’re different in virtually every conceivable way, but we both spend our lives watching others on TV. Of course, now that Mary has actually participated in a reality show, she is now more worldly than I. Tasked to listen for their next clue, the blondes stopped in a park and put their ears near a planter. “Listen! What is that noise? This is it right here, D,” Kandice said. “These crickets. I don’t know what that means, though.” She couldn’t understand the cricikets’ secret message because a loudspeaker nearby was too loud, continually blasting a message that stared with, “Attention racers!” Rob had issues with his cab driver because of the language barrier. “Dude, I don’t speak your language, dude,” he said. Then, unbelievably, he asked the driver a question in English, as if the guy suddenly learned the language: “Are you driving in a circle? He’s just toying with us right now.” Later, Rob said, “I’m done talking with foreigners.” Rob, could you also please stop talking to Americans, because we’re tired of listening to you be an asshole. Sarah decided to perform the Roadblock task, even though the clue asked “Who’s got strong arms and legs?” Peter, as always, was as helpful as As she struggled to scale the rock, he sat lazily in the boat, sucking on a soft drink, and said things such as, “Sarah, you’re going to be fine. You’re going to do this. All in the mind. … Pull the handicapped placard out and tell them you’re next in line. … Hey, give Tyler an ugly look when he passes you. Spit on him or something. Ha ha ha.” Seriously, this guy is the biggest assclown ever. Sarah really needs to kick him in the nuts. Mary continued to snipe at David, although I find it hysterical and not at all dysfunctional like when the other couples do it. Among other things, she told him, “You ain’t got a sprained leg, David. … When you become my boss, you can tell me what to do.” Here’s how Rob solves conflict. Floating in the middle of the ocean in rowboat, he screamed at Kimberly, “Get off the boat!” Soon after Sarah scaled the wall using her arms alone, Peter was rowing their boat, and told her, “I really need you not to say anything.” Perhaps it was sincere, but Sarah then seemed to start mocking him, saying, “You’re really doing awesome,” giving him the same kind of faux support he gives her. “I don’t need encouragement, I just need direction,” he said. At least now he knows what it feels like. A short time later, Peter threw a temper tantrum. “I’m done after this. I don’t want to do this anymore,” he said. Christ, another Flo. Because the race is blind to assholes, Rob and Kimberly checked in first. Guess which team member left their partner behind in the rowboat, causing them to say, “don’t leave me in here!” If you guessed Sarah, you win nothing, because it was completely obvious. “My feelings for Peter have changed. Sometimes I’m not always impressed with his temperament in the situation, or even his treatment towards me,” she told us. Sarah also told him the same thing, and Mr. Perky just sat with a goofy, smug-looking grin on his punchable face. Tyler and James’ boat captain forgot to pull up the anchor, which explained why they were “going so damn slow,” one of them said. They took advantage of the language barrier by giving him a sarcastic thumbs-up, which he eagerly returned. Still, they checked in third. Dumb and dumberer didn’t understand the clue about the pit stop, which explained that they were to paddle back to their motorized boat, which would take them nine miles to Phil. One of them told us, “We were just paddling all over trying to find Phil, and we eventually figured out that the boat was where we needed to be, and that it would take us” to the pit stop. That strategy didn’t work, although they weren’t eliminated, and will continue to reinforce the stereotype that beauty queens are, in fact, incomprehensibly dumb. Tom told Terry, “Stop the whining.” Finally. And the whining and crying have stopped for the duration of this race, as the two were eliminated at the pit stop. SURVIVOR:Survivor Cook Islands ethnically diverse cast is something that will remain in future seasons, or at least that’s what Jeff Probst hopes. “We won’t be pitting one race against the other, but we will keep the show diverse and have equal representation among races,” he tells the LA Daily News, which qualifies his statement by saying this is “if he has his way.” Being candid, Probst says they probably would not divide tribes by race again, but that doesn’t mean other stunt-like moves are out of the question. “You have to try to do things that are different. After 13 seasons, we’re running out of ideas,” he says. As tothis season’s controversy, Probst says, “I wasn’t entirely comfortable being a spokesman for racial diversity.” That’s kind of an understatement, since he pretty much embarrassed himself when talking about ethnicity to the media. But he does say that the (over-) reaction was “appropriate and understandable.”

TODAY IN HISTORY

1285: Accused of the ritual murder of Catholic boys, 180 Jews are burned alive in Munich when an angry mob sets fire to their synagogue. 1960: In response to a speech by the Philippine delegation denouncing the USSR's domination of Eastern Europe, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev brandishes one of his sandals at the man during a general assembly of the United Nations. 1966: Sammy Davis, Jr. makes a cameo appearance on the ABC television series Batman, during one of their legendary Batclimbs. 1969: According to rumor, Paul is dead. However, the Beatle somehow persists in making several public appearances for years. 1969: Police capture Charles Manson at Barker Ranch, inside Death Valley National Park. Charlie is arrested for arson, after burning a maintenance vehicle blocking his favorite dune buggy route. One of his followers, Susan Atkins, is arrested the following day and spills the beans about the Tate/LaBianca murderers. Manson has not left prison since. 1970: During his court martial for the My Lai Massacre, Lt. William Calley testifies that Cpt. Ernest Medina had ordered that anybody they couldn't move would be "wasted." Which is why Calley said he and his men killed 350 Vietnamese, including more than 100 civilian men, women, and children. 1978: Former Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious stabs girlfriend Nancy Spungen to death in room 100 of New York's Chelsea Hotel. Because Sid remembers nothing about the crime, theories include robbery and an abortive suicide pact. Vicious dies of an ugly heroin overdose shortly before his trial. 1997: Folk singer John Denver dies when his newest toy, a homebuilt Long-EZ single-seat airplane, crashes into the ocean near Monterey, California. Unfortunately, the person who constructed the plane opted to locate the fuel tank selector valve behind the pilot's left shoulder. In order for Denver to reach back and switch tanks, he had to let go of the flight controls. At which point, the aircraft plunged 500 feet into the Pacific Ocean. Divers later recover most of the body, but not the head. Denver is ultimately identified by his fingerprints. 2000: Two al Qaeda agents pull alongside the USS Cole in a fiberglass boat disguised as a tender at the harbor in Aden, Yemen. Then the boat explodes, ripping a 40-foot hole along the port side of the destroyer's hull, killing 17 sailors and wounding 39 others. 2003: 30 lunatics are killed in Randilovshchina, Belarus when a fire sweeps through their sanitarium, many of whom die locked in their rooms. It is believed that the blaze was an act of arson by one of the patients.

CANNED LAUGHTER

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

And now for a joke from my wife Jen: The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be The Man of Your House." He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my guess."

One of my favorite shows of the new season is 'Heroes', so I am going to give you 'Heroes' news now and then. My other new favorite show was 'Smith', but that got cancelled after only three episodes. Anyway, here's...

HEROES

Ali Larter, one of the stars of NBC's new hit series 'Heroes', says that the details of her character's mysterious double life will be revealed in upcoming episodes. "Where we're leading to is that there's going to be a duality within my personality," Larter said in a conference call with journalists on Oct. 11. "So there's one side that has to conform to society's rules and laws, and the shadow side that can actually live out the dark fantasies that are repressed within all of us." On the show, Larter plays single mother Niki Sanders, whose mirror reflection seems to have a life of her own. 'Heroes' creator and executive producer Tim Kring, who also participated in the call, added that viewers can draw a parallel to the character of Niki and other famous dual personalities. "I would say that it's a very safe thing to sort of assume that it's a Dr. Jekyll-and-Mr. Hyde or Hulk kind of personality," Kring said. "But we are leaving the door very open for new surprises." Kring said that Niki's power was intentionally kept vague in the first few episodes because the writers wanted the audience to discover it along with the character. But there will be more explanation as the series continues. "It is intended to be confusing at the beginning, because we are following it through her point of view, as though you had woken up with this very curious thing happening to you," he said. "Niki's character is the one character that is discovering this in the most confusing way. So we are asking the audience to sort of buy into that conceit that it's going to be a road to discovery. And in the next couple of episodes, it becomes clearer and clearer. And after six episodes it should be very clear what's happening." Larter also revealed that her character's story will lighten up in future episodes, and she may even be getting a love interest. "I'm in a bit of fear and distress right now, but if you hold on for just one more episode, we're going to get a little romance," she said. "You get a little bit of cheekiness in it. And, actually, what's amazing about this writing is that it really pushes me and makes me kind of find, actually, all different tones within our show. So you're getting there. That's just the first couple episodes. It definitely opens up to a whole new world." 'Heroes' airs on NBC Mondays at 9 p.m. PT/ET.

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

Star Wars creator George Lucas told the Associated Press that he's making a 3-D computer-animated version of his hit animated Clone Wars TV series, which could air as early as next year, although he hasn't sold the show to a network yet. The series would be set during the time when the Republic is fighting a civil war against separatists led by Count Dooku. "It basically has all the main characters," such as Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, Lucas told the AP. But the stars who played them in the movies won't voice them for the TV show. "There's nobody famous," Lucas said. The show is planned as a continuation of the Emmy-winning 2-D animated Clone Wars, which aired in 25 episodes on Cartoon Network from 2003 to 2005.

BROKEN

What is the total trying to describe exactly?

BIZARRE X-RAYS

A nail gun shot six nails into construction worker Isidro Mejia's head during an April 2004 accident. He not only survived but was expected at the time to recover fully.

MOVIE BUZZ

Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Not sure how much I believe that they're writing Orlando Bloom out of the rumored fourth installment. He might be a testosterone-deprived pantywaist, but from my experience, chicks sorta dig that.

Ghost Rider: The trailer has a ton of ridiculous moments, but my fave has to be Eva Mendes interviewing a Goth chick about Nic Cage's flaming skull.

I Slept With Joey Ramone: It only took 'Entourage' to remind Hollywood that A) Joey Ramone is dead, and B) Nobody has made a biopic about him.

Pan's Labyrinth: Each generation has its own weirdo kiddie movie filled with trippy visuals. For Gen-Xers, it was Labyrinth. Today's tweens get Pan's version, which has plenty of CGI but an unfortunate lack of David Bowie.

Rambo IV:The Serpent's Eye: Did you know that Christian missionaries are often attacked by pirates? Worse, sometimes they're imprisoned by Burmese soldiers. Fortunately, Stallone and his band of misfit mercenaries are coming to the rescue! But I bet they're not aware that it's only known as Burma to those countries choosing not to recognize its military junta. To those that do, it's Myanmar. You just learned something!

The Bourne Ultimatum: The first set pics see Bourne walkin' around with a predictable new love interest. How do you turn a butt-kicking superspy into an emasculated dork? Put him on a scooter.

Shut Up And Sing: What's on your iPod? On mine you'll find Britney Spears, hair metal, Huey Lewis and the band in this trailer, the Dixie Chicks. Some call my taste "eclectic." Others call it "embarrassing."

Well, well, that's about it. In a few weeks we'll be moving to a house, so there could be a break in the Phile for a week or two. Hopefully I'll know more next week. I will leave you with a random pic. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

I want to bring slacker back, 'cause I don't do jack... Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, where wet dreams come true. Hey, I just got a text from Mark Foley. He wants me to post pictures of teenage boys in casts and soccer uniforms. Mark Foley’s attorney is now blaming Foley’s behavior on alcohol. But apparently he wasn’t too drunk to send an email. Foley also said today that his behavior has nothing to do with being molested by a clergy member when he was young. It doesn’t? Then why bring it up? People are now wondering what to do with Foley’s seat in congress. How about they start with Lysol? Then some Bactene. After that cover it with plastic. With all these sex scandals I think they should replace the Sergeant at Arms in the House with a Mother Superior. When a congressman gets out of line she could just whack him with a ruler. The latest on the Washington sex scandal involving Congressman Mark Foley – according to CNN Foley’s instant messages were not only inappropriate, but also were full of typos. In Foley’s defense, he said it was hard to type with one hand. North Korea is close to conducting a nuclear test. If that is successful they are going to try something harder – indoor plumbing for their people. A group of students at Arizona State are being asked to change the name of their club, the Campus Caucasian Club to something else. They are going to rename it the "golf team”. Bob Woodward is back with a new book and says that the Bush administration is trying to conceal how bad things are going in Iraq. Let me tell you – if the Bush administration is concealing things in Iraq they are doing a bad job of it! The mob might be doing business with al Qaeda. Today Sammy the Bull met with Ahkmed the Goat. A high school team in Michigan has cancelled their football season. They played four games and lost them all. They didn’t even score a single point. So for the kid’s safety they cancelled the season. It’s the same thing the NFL is considering with the Raiders. There is a scandal at the University of Ohio. A number of engineering graduates may have cheated on their exams over twenty years ago. Does it really matter though? A lot of those students went on to do great things. An overpass in Montreal. Levees in New Orleans. A tunnel in Boston. Some public school now will be serving sushi. Well if you love cafeteria meatloaf, you’re going to love cafeteria sushi! That has to give a parent comfort to know your child is being served raw fish! The US Army is investigating whether or not a group of women in the Kentucky National Guard posed nude with M-16’s while on duty. If it turns out to be true the pictures will be sent to recruitment centers across the country. Al Gore says that smoking is a major factor in global warming. Cigarettes are a major factor. Unfortunately when Al Gore gives a speech most people leave the room for a cigarette. The "National Enquirer" is reporting that Star Jones' husband has dumped her and has moved in with a close male friend. If that turns out to be true, this would be the second time this year that Star's been replaced by somebody gay. Here's some good news. Model Kate Moss has reunited with her old boyfriend Pete Doherty. They said their goal is to fill the cocaine vacuum created by the breakup of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Fox News is reporting that Michael Jackson's custody battle with his ex-wife over the kids is going to be settled. She'll get them on weekends. And in return, he'll be allowed to see other children. Starbucks is raising the price of a cup of coffee to $5.00. Don’t worry, you’ll still get the sneer from the girl with a nose ring serving your coffee. The most vain women in the world are English women. It is estimated that English women spend two years of their lives looking in a mirror. You know what this means – Donald Trump is a woman. And finally, the "Washington Post” is reporting that there is a surge of horse drawn buggies in Cuba. The hardest part is getting the horses to swim to Miami.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

After three episodes of The Amazing Race 10, I’m totally loving this race. It has that old-school, pre-Rob and Amber, vibe to it, like before it became incredibly popular, and before the families came along and made children cry. Yes, the alpha male team is dominating once again, but they’re not jerks, like the teams last season. And David and Mary, easily my favorite team, are just too cute. Last week, during their interview, Mary said, “I’m making friends with people I would have never thought I would have met. I’ve never known an Asian person in my life.” Then, almost whispering, and with David completing her sentences, she said, “Honest to goodness, we’ve never been around gay people. But buddy, I like ‘em!” That honest, willing-to-change ignorance is the best kind. There were no heartwarmingly funny pronouncements from David and Mary last night, but there were other highlights from this leg of the race: “You have zero dollars for this leg of the race,” the clue said. Imagining all of the begging that was ahead, I thought that, perhaps next week, the producers can just have all the teams wear t-shirts that say “I am an asshole American who is trying to win $1 million and needs you, person living in a developing nation, to give me a few dollars, even though I am being followed by a camera crew.” Later, however, a team read more of the clue, which said, “You may not beg or sell anything.” That’s one point for me in the “incredible overreactions” column. “A lot of these girls on the street walk arm in arm. Think they’re just friends, or what?” Duke asked Lauren, trying a little too hard to connect with his lesbian daughter. Mary interrupted David’s heartfelt story about his dad’s Vietnam service to yell at him, saying, “Dave, if everybody’s passing you … we’re in a race and I’m going to get angry.” Even in these moments, when her behavior is rather obnoxious, she’s totally cute. “The blondes are … always looking for any little inch that they can get on anybody else,” hot junkie model James said. Just a “little inch”? Duke and Lauren enlisted the help of a local, who said she’d ride along and give directions. Instead, she had the driver go 30 minutes out of their way to drop her off. “He take me my brother,” she said. “After that, he take you the prison.” It was the most appalling behavior from a non-team member in quite some time, although her behavior was probably due to breakdown in communication, not malice. “Why can’t we go in?” one of the blondes said, pushing on the locked door, as if the other teams just standing outside were too dumb to try that. One of the things I love about life is the way I tend to end up in the exact same physical place but years later and for an entirely different, unpredictable reason. On a much more significant level, watching the teams race around the Hanoi Hilton looking for John McCain’s flight suit, I realized that, while locked up in the prison, he never in a billion years would have predicted that, 40 years later, a bunch of Americans would be racing through the prison followed by cameras in a desperate race to win $1 million. How fucking crazy is our world? One of the former junkie/models said to the other, “It’s like Frogger, dude,” as they crossed the street. Then Kimberly came within about three inches of being run down by a motorcycle. (I was going to make a joke here but instead I spent 10 minutes playing Frogger. Still addictive after all these years, that game is.) Phil explained, “For safety reasons, teams are strictly forbidden to operate or ride on motorcycles while in Vietnam.” However, they are free to get run over by them. Clinging to the backs of male locals, Tom and Terry proceeded to ride on motorcycles. As punishment, Phil gave them a 30-minute penalty. And a spanking. “You’re moving kind of slow on that. One kilometer—that’s a piece of cake!” Peter told Sarah as she struggled to run. Using her leaking prosthetic leg. I have good news for you, Peter: As the biggest dickhead on this race, you win the scorn of the viewing public. One fun part of this season is that every team is just so nice—not necessarily to one another, but to the other teams. Lyn broke down at the pit stop, despite the fact that both she and her friends David and Mary were not eliminated. “You made such good friends, and we passed them on the way…and I just didn’t want them to go home because they’re such great people,” she sobbed to Phil. Somewhere, Rob Mariano is crying, too, as his dreams—of inspiring future racers to physically fight one another and participate in literal backstabbings—have now officially been crushed. Tom and Terry checked in just before Lauren and Duke, and were safe. However, T&T cried just as much as if they’d been eliminated. I think we’ve had enough crying for a whole season, thanks. Besides, we need to save our tears for when David and Mary are inevitably eliminated (or—dare I say it—win). And for Survivor: The racially segregated tribes, which stirred up so much controversy, only lasted two weeks. Last night, the four tribes became two: Aitutaki and Rarotonga. “Drop your buffs. You have been living together as tribes base upon ethnicity; it is now time to integrate,” Jeff Probst told everyone at the challenge. Two men and two women were selected at random to pick new, same-sex tribes, which they did in such a way that the old tribes became evenly divided. Then the four same-sex tribes merged, creating two diverse groups. At least one of the white people was able to talk about his new tribemates like they were actual human beings with names. Or not. Jonathan told his tribemate Jessica, “I think we can align with a couple of the Asians.” Actually, that’s what happened: Jonathan and Candice aligned with Yul and Becky, and both Cao Boi and Jessica ended up voting with them. Of course, that new alliance represents the Asian and white tribes; the other group was made up of members from the Latino and black tribes. Sundra and Ozzy joined Cecilia to vote against Becky, but the other alliance used their five votes to vote out Cecilia. If that alliance stays intact for two more visits to Tribal Council, the new Aitutaki tribe will have only white and Asian people. Perhaps the race wars have begun.

SHARPENING AXES

Today's topic: famous last words. Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. Francisco ("Pancho") Villa. I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast! "Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber. Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies. Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan. Get these fucking nuns away from me. Norman Douglas. Don't worry...it's not loaded... Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger. Is someone hurt? Robert F. Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma. Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do! Groucho Marx. Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough! Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his last words were. I have a terrific headache. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage. I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring. Richard Feynman. Drink to me! Pablo Picasso. I have not told half of what I saw. Marco Polo, Venetian traveller and writer. Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying. Jean Cocteau. Dammit... Don't you dare ask God to help me. Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud. Lord help my poor soul. Edgar Allan Poe. Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room. Del Close, improvisor, teacher and comedian, died 1999. I have tried so hard to do right. Grover Cleveland, US President, died 1908. I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain. Kurt Cobain (in his suicide note), Lead singer for American grunge band Nirvana, referencing a song by Neil Young. In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first -- attempted suicide. 30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbuck, who, on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head. She was pronounced dead in hospital fourteen hours later. It's very beautiful over there. Thomas Edison. Now why did I do that? General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813. Don't worry, relax! Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister, to his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack. No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die. Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged. I really need a therapist' Christopher Grace, an actor who killed himself during a matinee performance of Greece. I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man. Che Guevara.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month? A: Because it says on the box, "Good for up to 20 pounds."

BIZARRE X-RAYS

An alien face seems to appear in the X-ray of a duck, which died in May from injuries it had when found.

Death Of A President: The trailer's a total gimmick, but it'll get the talking heads at Fox News griping and bitter lefties fantasizing. I'm guessing this flick will be No. 1 at Iran's box office for weeks.

Grindhouse: Kurt Russell is back in badass mode in these behind-the-scenes pics from his half of Grindhouse, called Death Proof. Quentin Tarantino — salvaging careers, one actor at a time.

Iron Man: Robert Downey Jr. will play Iron Man. Hey, he sorta looks like Tony Stark, and even I could look intimidating in that iron suit. This might be the best bit oddball superhero casting since Michael Keaton as Batman.

Transformers: Thanks to the magic of marketing and a complete disregard for storytelling integrity, you have a chance to hear your own hacky dialogue uttered by Optimus Prime himself! So it's your fault if, in the climactic battle against the Decepticons, Prime stops to "give a shout-out to all my homiez in the 206! Later, skaters! LOL!"

The Prestige: The Professor or the Great Danton? That's the big question at the official site. Personally, I'd take Scarlett Johansson. How come that's not an option?

And now for my review of Open Season. Wow. An animated talking-animal movie. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those. I wish Hollywood would make one of these every other week instead of being stingy and doling them out every few years like this. The truth is that this one is not so bad; I just wanted my pain acknowledged in public. And it's been a year of pain — 73 talking-animal movies and one talking-car movie and one talking-baseball movie, and I'm about done. But yeah, this one is not the worst of them. It saves itself with sweetness and a script that avoids the usual onslaught of pop-culture references and "hip" sarcasm and all the other crap that plagues this overdone genre. It's about animals that take back the forest from hunters, and it taught me a valuable lesson about Lawrence and Kutcher. That lesson is that I can deal with them when I don't have to look at them. I feel kind of liberated now. Bring on the animation featuring Tom Cruise! Arrive late to the theatre, that way you can skip the opening bit in which Lawrence, as the bear, dances to a Talking Heads song and freaks you out and makes you think it's going to be like this for the entire film. But it's mostly OK after that. No Smash Mouth songs waiting patiently to ruin your day. In fact, former lead guy of The Replacements Paul Westerberg has written a nice little song score that doesn't clobber you over the head. One other thing, Logan said, "I liked the fighting."

Well, that's it for another entry. Remember to spread the word and not the turd. If you like this blog, pass it on to your friends, co-workers, loved ones, anybody. I will leave you with another random pic. Until next week...'nuff said.