Tagged: penis

All in all, having a penis is pretty great. It makes it easy to pee anywhere, gives us something to play with when our phone battery dies and guarantees our voices will be heard in any meeting or election.

But, privilege acknowledged, nobody considers the relatively few, but none-the-less devastating challenges of having a penis, the hurdles it can prevent us from clearing. And, in Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita’s case, we mean literal hurdles.

Ogita was knocked out of the first round of the Olympics pole vault competition in Rio when he nearly cleared a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet). Though his leg and shin made contact with the bar, it remained in place. No, it was his penis that pulled it — and his Olympic dreams — back to earth.

This is a severe blow against the future codpiece industry jobs market that we were promised.

It’s been over a year since we reported that lab workers began successfully growing replacement vaginas. They’re still doing that, by the way, which has helped treat teenage women with medical conditions.

We salute Charles Lee Warren for both his serial killer name and for maintaining a fine naval tradition going all the way back to 1996’s Down Periscope.

The state Supreme Court in Georgia ruled Monday that, while it is a crime to mail unsolicited nude photos of yourself without a warning on the envelope, it is not illegal to do it electronically.

But, let’s not lose focus on the nitty-gritty legal details here. (Although, side note: take caution opening text messages at work from The Guys for at least a week.) The important factor here is that Charles Lee Warren is free to text pictures of his schlong tattoo for as long as he can keep it up. (Keep up his camera.)

True, the married mother of young children who received Warren’s photo either wasn’t impressed or felt threatened, hence her charges. But, aren’t the rest of us just a little curious to see it since it’s tattooed to say, “STRONG E nuf 4 A MAN BUT Made 4 A WOMAN?”

There are so many unanswered questions here. Does it go down the shaft, or around it like the inscription on the One Ring? The phrase is pretty long, but did Warren resort to Prince/Sinead O’Connor title numbers because it isn’t long enough?

He didn’t show up at the hospital until a week later, so it must have worked. After all, a week is a long time. That’s a lot of takeout ordering if you can’t leave the house without clotheslining anyone taller than three feet. And once you run out of hats to hang off it, then you’re back to the ol’ Netflix queue … which you can watch at any mast.

So, it’s all fun and games until somebody loses their hard-on. Just try to exercise some restraint so that you can have fun again later. After a nap. And maybe a sandwich.

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.

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After mating, the Goniobranchus reticulata sea slug runs home to put his disembodied penis under his pillow for the Penis Fairy.

If you want to know why we’re losing the War on Animals … Don’t look at us that way. It only looks like all the animals are gone because it’s winter. Come March, and you’ll see that they were just lying in wait for bikini season.

Anyway, if you want to know why we’re losing the War on Animals, it’s because we’re not willing to evolve more creatively. Take, for example, the Goniobranchus reticulata species of sea slug.

Honesty time: we’ve all mated with someone and felt oogy about it afterward. While we mere humans must live in shame, G. reticulatasevers off its penis after mating and grows a new (and unoffending) one.

Guys, if sea slugs can solve the “Smell Yo Dick” test before us, what hope do we have as a species?

Guys who wear turtlenecks swear they need an iPad to make the app work.

When it comes to male genitalia, size matters. At least, it does during dick measuring contests. Or, according to the makers of a smart phone app that measures your penis, when selecting a properly sized condom.

Research by the American Sexual Health Association indicates that men who forgo wearing condoms during sex often do so because they don’t fit comfortably. This has contributed to, according to sex researchers from Indiana University, a misconception that condoms reduce sexual satisfaction in general. Ergo: using the Condom Size app from VSM Enterprises to properly appraise your penis should help you enjoy more pleasurable, safer sex.

It’s as easy as one-two-holding “your hard member straight against inches or centimeters on side screen,” and then using a piece of string for your girth measurements. (Well, that escalated rather quickly, didn’t it?)

Oh, and did we mention that you can then compare your results to men around the world to see how you measure up? So, even if you’re not conventionally big in America, you could still be huge in South and North Korea, the two countries tied for smallest on average.

Enjoy that swim in Acapulco. Just don’t be surprised if you come back pregnant with Doomsday.

Did you know that barnacles, also known as boat herpes, have the longest penis relative to size in the animal kingdom? All the better to shotgun blast sperm willy-nilly into the ocean with.

The Pacific gooseneck barnacle have joined the list of confirmed spermcasters. Along with sponges, jellyfish and sea anemones, the males of these species just let loose with the baby juice, letting the current carry it wherever it may.

By our estimates, this makes the composition of the ocean about 10 percent mercury, 20 whale poop, 20 percent water and 50 percent free-floating semen. (There are a lot of barnacles out there is what we’re saying.)

Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.

Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.

160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.

100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!