August 24, 2007

Obits of 2007

DAYTIME NAP, ALMOST 3 YEARS OLD, DIES

After a successful 34-month reign, a young Manhattan girl's daily nap ritual officially passed away on August 22, 2007. Although the official medical report has yet to be released, it appears that there were no early indications of the passing of the nap. The young girl's parents believe the cause of death was premature maturation and advanced toddler masochism.

In lieu of flowers, the girl's parents request that donations be made to Starbucks and GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Vivarin.

REGGAETON, 14, IS DEAD

Reggaeton, a form of gritty urban street music which became popular with Latin American (or Latino) youth during the early 1990s and spread rapidly around the country, officially died on August 17 in a 2004 Honda Odyssey minivan near Hoffman Estates, Illinois. The cause of death was Elizabeth "Muffy" Miller, a stay-at-home suburban soccer mom, who loudly rapped along with her Daddy Yankee CD all the way home from Bed, Bath & Beyond while her children were in the back seat. Reggaeton was fourteen years old.

Coincidentally, Ms. Miller is also responsible for the death of the phrase, "who let the dogs out?" This occurred in 2003, when Ms. Miller consumed two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc and sang the song publicly at the local elementary school's "karaoke night" fundraiser. The song has never been performed or heard since then.

MY DAUGHTER'S FAVORITE DOLL, 2, PASSES AWAY

My daughter's favorite doll, affectionately named "Baby," died August 15 on our couch. The cause of death was an epic struggle over "Baby" between my daughter and the dog. "Baby" was two years old.

Conceived in France but born in China, "Baby's" real name was Yang. Although her death was quick, Yang had been silently suffering for many months. The preliminary coroner's report revealed a lifetime of neglect and abuse. Her arm was dislocated in 2006 and never repaired properly. Her abdomen was known to leak on occasion. And finally, in early 2007, her vision began to suffer after the loss of her left eye. Close relatives admit that "Yang's time had come and she was now in a much better place."

Interestingly, during the course of her entire life, Yang never took a single shower or bath. Some view this as a form of political protest. Others believe it was due to the unyieldingly cruel regime and harsh conditions under which she lived.

Having served as my morning sustenance for many years, my daily bagel was executed due to his criminal relationships with cream cheese and smoked salmon. Under the watchful eye of physicians from Mt. Sinal hospital, my daily bagel made his last public appearance on August 22.

Despite being a little flaky at times, my daily bagel was considered a positive roll model for millions. My daily bagel is survived by his wife Bialy and two children, John Dough and Jane Dough.

FATHER'S PATIENCE, 3, DIES IN MANHATTAN

Having survived a torrent of toddler tantrums, a father's patience quietly passed away this week. The cause of death was last night's dinner.

Given the choice between mac-and-cheese or chicken tenders, the father's daughter communicated her preference for chicken tenders. Immediately upon seeing said chicken tenders, the father's daughter repeatedly screamed "No! I want mac-and-cheese!" The toddler's father, in a humiliating act of contrition due to a long day at the office, ignorantly decided that peace and quiet were of paramount importance that evening and duly cooked up a plate of macaroni-and-cheese. When proffered the mac-and-cheese,the toddler then proceeded to cry in the whiniest voice known to mankind, "I don't want mac-and-cheese. I want donuts!"

It was at that precise moment that Father's Patience suddenly died. There were no survivors.

WHITE APPROPRIATION OF BLACK CULTURE, 82, DIES

White People's Appropriation of Black Culture officially died August 22 on the set of America's Got Talent in Los Angeles. It was 82 years old. The cause of death was host Jerry Springer beatboxing before a national audience, calling UB40's "Red, Red Wine" the greatest reggae song of all-time, and then bumping fists with a contestant.

Although White Appropriation of Black Culture has a long and storied past, it had previously been able to survive repeated attacks by Vanilla Ice, Elvis Presley, Eminem, and my annoying 15-year-old white neighbor in Tribeca who has dreadlocks, wears his jeans below his ass and thinks he's from the 'hood. However, upon seeing Jerry Springer's performance on national television, white people from around the world unanimously made the decision to instantly execute the White Appropriation of Black Culture.

White Appropriation of Black Culture is survived by Chinese Tattoos on Sorority Chicks, Naming Sports Teams After Native American Stereotypes, and Corporate Mascots on TV Speaking with Funny Mexican Accents.

Teufelskind has been pulling the old 'swith-a-roo' with meal/snack/toy/book choices this month too. Not yet two and already waffeling like a pro politician :)

Missed the Horror that was Jerry Springer on primetime (tv gives me 'psycho-killer' headache) but I must point out that the Tony Tribe version of N.D.'s "red red wine" was quite good, and the one that ub40 defiled.

Still, it is quite a LONG way from the best reggae song ever. Can Mr.s' Dekker, Morgan, Marley, and Holt please stand up?

Sorry to hear about the nap MD. We still force our 4 year old to nap against his will most days. Don't give up so easily MD! Force it baby, make her go down for her and your sake (& boss lady's). -Emilie

My doctor just put me on Vytorin and strongly suggested a more cholesterol friendly diet.
I've been on the meds for two weeks now and I "feel" my LDL's dropping like a rock so bring on the chili and tortillas.

Nap death blows, by the way, as you are obviously discovering. My condolences.

I dread the death of the nap! My daughter (31 months) still naps every day and I force my 4.5 year old son to nap at least twice a week. I'm home with the kids every day, so I think they sense that mom would be hittin' the sauce by 3 p.m. if they didn't give me a small break.

I'm also sorry to hear about the death of the morning bagel. There's nothing better than a toasty bagel with a smear of cream cheese.