Tuesday, January 02, 2007

You need the exercise.

It's that time of the year again. The time for life evaluations. The time for application of lessons learned. The time for resolutions. I have a few resolutions of my own, and most of them involve me making millions of dollars and banging hot chicks. But those aren't that important. They don't help others, and that's what I'm all about, making the world a better place. This is why I'm going to share with you my most crucial New Year's Resolution for 2007.

I will no longer hold doors open for people!

There has been a door holding epidemic that is killing this country, and I will be doing my part to put an end to it. Now before you go all haywire and say that I'm not chivalrous, I'm not talking about slamming doors shut in the faces of women. (Although I have to admit the schoolkid in me smiled a little as I typed that.) I'm talking about when you get to a door and there's someone following five to ten feet behind you. That's too far to hold that door open for them! Too far, I say!

I hate it when someone holds the door open for me in these situations. I don't want to talk to this person; I just want to go inside. Let alone thanking them. Hell, they practically insulted me by holding that door open for so long. I know how a door works. I'm good at opening doors. It's gotten to the point that if I'm walking a little behind someone headed for a door, I'll slow down to where I'll be too far behind them to want to hold the door open. Now they're making me late! I would rather be later by ten seconds than have to go through that awkward door holding/jogging/thanking situation.

And there's no way I'm jogging for a held door. If you decide to hold that door, then you have to deal with my current speed. And what about double doors? If the first is held open for you, do you have to hold open the second? Not anymore. Not me. I didn't sign on for this door holding exchange. You got yourself into this.

Until everyone realizes that door holding has gotten way out of control, I will no longer be holding them myself. I may look like a jerk, but I've been dealing with the myopic viewpoints of others my whole life. Eventually, they will realize that I am sacrificing my reputation for the good of the world. Join me in changing the world for the better! Down with door holding!

First of all, a man doesn't need to open the door for another man. So if you do this already, you're a queer boy, and don't need to be in the midwest. Secondly, holding a door open for women is way of helping them understand their place. You see, in America, women want to be equal, to be treated like an hombre, but deep down inside, women have needs like: a)security, b)affection c)needed etc. Let me put it this way, when you open a door to a women, they have to go in, like a moth to a light, a magnet to metal, like Jacko to your little brother. By forcing women to accept the door, you force them to realize their needs which separate them from men, and ultimately breakdown the progress of the modern day feminist movement. Dontcha see, mi amigo No-el, by opening the door, you revoke a women's reproductive rights!!! That's right!! Read it!!That means no right to safe, legal abortion, no access to contraception, poor quality prenatal care, no protection from violence within a domestic partnership, nonstop sexual harassment, mucho bueno street harassment, diggity diggity discrimination, no rights to maternity leave, and best of all, . . . . no equal pay.

That's right, cholo, and worst of all, if you don't open the door for women, you let the terrorists win.