Dr. House: You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?

Dr. House: Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.

Janitor: Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.

Dr. House: Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.

Janitor: Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.

Dr. House: Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.

Janitor: Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.

Dr. House: Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. [picks up his cane from the board] A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.

Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?

Dr. Wilson: Yeah, in the end they release the hostages. How's that working for you?

Dr. House: The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.

Dr. Wilson: Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.

Dr. House: [switches on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?

Dr. Wilson: It's a... it's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.

Dr. House: Well, say adios.

Dr. Wilson: Are you erasing my Tivo? House! Not the season finale!

Dr. House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.

Dr. Wilson: Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.

Dr. House: Bring it on!

Dr. Wilson: You stole my patient.

Dr. House: You kidnapped my guitar.

Dr. Wilson: Give him back.

Dr. House: Only when you give her back.

Dr. Wilson: It's a she?

Dr. House: Well, it's certainly not a dude.

Dr. Wilson: It's a guitar! You took a human being!

Dr.House: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dr. House: [Speaks while strumming his guitar] Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations, but sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal, and you'll often be right. Look to your left, and now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone, as well as twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup. [Plays a note]

Dr. House: New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.

Dr. House: Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]

Dr. House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; that would be insensitive.

Dr. Cole: What do you want us to do?

Dr. House: The question is... what would Joseph Smith do?

Dr. Cole: This isn't the time for--

Dr. House: Casting out the demons?

Dr. Cole: The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.

Dr. House: You believe that the book has all the answers.

Dr. Cole: To morality, not science!

Dr. House: But the book is inconsistent with science. Do you know how many epileptics were tortured because they were "possessed"? How many teenage witches were stoned to death because they took mushrooms?

Dr. Cole: Just shut up already! We've got a patient dying!

Dr. House: You either gotta prescribe an exorcism, or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud--

[Dr. Cole turns around and punches House in the face, to the shock of everybody in the room.]

Dr. House: I decided you're right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.

Dr. Foreman: Thanks.

Dr. House: ... so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy - until she fires you.

Dr. Foreman: The guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You noticed the EMT runsheet? The paramedic who brought him in is also named Martin Harris.

Dr. House: Well, if the name was Atilla von Wienerschnitzel, I'd say you might be onto something.

Dr. Foreman: Giovannini's?

Dr. House: Do you know another mirror syndrome?

Dr. Taub: You're risking our patient's life, just to get back at Cuddy?

Dr. House: Whaaaaaaaaat? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands]Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!

Dr. House: War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.

Dr. Cuddy: Foreman's not going anywhere.

Dr. House: And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?

[Cuddy and House are talking to the patient who is always "mirroring" the most powerful person around him, trying to figure out if Cuddy or House are more powerful]

Dr. Cuddy: Hi, I'm the Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House: Hi, I'm the guy who saved your life.

Dr. Wilson: [Outside with Dr. Foreman] So what if it's House?

Dr. Foreman: Then I take the job at Mount Zion.

Dr. Wilson: There is no job at Mount Zion.

Dr. Foreman: House said...

Dr. Wilson: Well, if House said it, it must be true.

Dr. Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a re-

Dr. House: She doesn't fire me. She never WILL fire me. She needs me -

Dr. Cuddy: He's a good doctor, that's all. I respect his expertise and I -

Dr. House: She's hot for me.

Patient: Shut up.

Dr. Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.

Patient: You have great ya-boos.

Dr. Cuddy: [Trying] Still could have been either of us.

Dr. House: [Smiles] You lose. [Starts victory dance]

Dr. Cuddy: Seriously, I have always thought my breasts were one of my best features.

Dr. Foreman: [seeing House doing his victory dance from outside the room] Damn.

Dr. Cameron: I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or, at least a doctor who learned how to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense.

Director: And you left his team because... you couldn't stand him anymore?

Dr. Cameron: [distracted] No, no, I - I love Dr. House.

Director: [surprised] Now that's something we haven't heard.

Dr. Cameron: I mean, [slight pause] what did you ask me, again?

Director: Why you left.

Dr. Cameron: [confused, stuttering] I - I loved being... around him. Professionally, you know he was always... stimulating [realising what she just said] - not in the erotic sense of the word!

ER Patient: [giggling] Fork. They forked. And then they spooned.

Dr. Wilson: Can I see that again?

Dr. House: And what did you miss? She screwed up, I....

Dr. Wilson: No, just the part when she leans forward, I think you can see through her dress.

Dr. House: We can try and pretend we're above it or we can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, [pause] and ugly, misshapen teenage boys are repulsive.

Dr. House: Looks like an envelope with the results for the genetic test for Huntington's inside.

Thirteen: Did you look?

Dr. House: Thought it would be fun to find out together.

Thirteen: I don't want to know.

Dr. House: No, you're afraid to know.

Thirteen: I might die. So could you. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, the only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?

Dr. House: I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me I'd take them.

Thirteen: You spend your whole life looking for answers, because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers, you run out of hope. You glad you know that?

Dr. House: What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?

Thirteen: Drugs are always a mask for something else.

Dr. House[pauses] That's the dumbest thing I have heard in my life.

[Thirteen leaves, Dr. House awards her extra points on the scoreboard]

Dr. House: You have three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You've gone for column D. [Turns to the patient] Why? [Patient sighs] The simple answer is "If you don't try, you can't fail".

Dr. Wilson: Dying's easy. Living's hard!

Dr. House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded.

Dr. House: [places record in record player] A little mood music, build the suspense.

Dr. Kutner: Sounds more folky.

Dr. House: You seriously have no idea when to shut up, do you? Amber! Please stand.

Dr. Volakis: You didn't call me a bitch... is that bad?

[She stands]

Dr. House: You play the game better than anybody else here. [Dr. Volakis smiles.] But for the wrong reasons.

Dr. Volakis: Reasons don't matter. Results are the only thing...

Dr. House: You were wrong. [beat] Twenty years ago, [points to the record player] this was recorded by Jim Moskowitz. Who later became known as Jimmy Quidd. Loves kids, apparently has a heart, perhaps even a soul. If you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did. [somberly] You're fired.

[Dr. Volakis doesn't protest. She nods tearfully. The other look at her sympathetically. She sits heavily back down.]

Dr. House: They're still alcoholics. If they never take a drink as long as they live it's only because they didn't live long enough.

[Amber leaves House and Wilson at the bar while she complains to the restaurant's host about the long wait for a table]

Dr. House: Any minute now she’s going to hit him in the face with your testicles.

Dr. Wilson: She tends to treat... She tends to treat every event like it's the last copter out of Saigon.

Dr. House: She's the Anti-Wilson. A force for evil.

Dr. Wilson: She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect.

Dr. House: You like that!

Dr. Wilson: It's annoying, but she's good at it.

Dr. House: Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves...[his eyes widen, long pause] Oh my God! You're sleeping with me!

Yonatan Arnoff: The more you know someone, the more you should love them.

Thirteen: No one can describe themselves in ten words. Why would we wanna hear anyone else do it?

Dr. House: As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.

Evan Greer: Are you serious?

Dr. House: No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'

[The team is watching DVDs for research]

Dr. Taub: Does sound a little forced, could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of myxoedema.

Thirteen: It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though... :[Dr. House looks at her] ...no.

Thirteen: We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab, see if he gets a reflex erection.

Dr. House: Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended, he can't get engorged. [looks at Dr. Cameron]

Dr. Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.

Dr. House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him y... [he glances at Thirteen's chest] ...I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here. [he wanders off]

Dr. Wilson: It's not ok... why is is ok with you? Why aren't you angry?

Amber: That's not the last feeling... that I want to experience.

[Dr. Wilson kisses Amber and turns off her life support]

[Dr. House and Amber are sitting in an empty white bus.]

Dr. House: You're dead.

Amber: Everybody dies.

Dr. House: Am I dead?

Amber: [pause] Not yet.

Dr. House: I should be.

Amber: Why?

Dr. House: Because life shouldn't be random. Because lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes. And young do-gooders in love that get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.