Socially incorrect

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Saturday, October 13, 2012

My tongue gets me in trouble often. Having never learned to be diplomatic (or what to say when and where), I will often say something totally inappropriate. And combined with my bald head and bespectacled serious face that is often construed as an insult or disrespect.

However my flaws can wait. Here goes the story:

While returning from office late one day I found a blonde lady with a huge luggage looking around in a confused way. I went to her and asked if she needed any help. She said in broken and highly accented English that she had called for a cab. But it still hadn't arrived and now she is unable to contact the driver on his cellphone. I offered to call on her behalf. She accepted with gratitude. Now I hardly know a few words of Tamil. When I called the driver, he went on and on in barely understandable Tamil. But I somehow gathered that he got confused with the address given by her and went someplace else which was 30 kms from there. So I informed her about the situation and with her permission called for a cab myself from a local cab service. I felt responsible to accompany her still the cab arrived. Therefore I asked her whether she would like to have a cup of coffee with me in the meantime. She showed me her ring and said, "Sorry Mr. I am married". Being the lip I am, I said, "Congratulations. So how's that going for you?" Fortunately her ignorance of fluent Indian accent English saved me because she did not get me. Anyways I understood where the conversation was taking a downturn to and shut up after a few words. And we waited in silence for the cab. The cab duly arrived and she thanked me and went in the cab. Next day I found out who she was and thanked her lack of fluency in English again. Thing is, I could have been unceremoniously fired from my job.

Yes, just for a sarcastic comment at an inappropriate place and at an inappropriate time.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

As I was doing a reread of the famous series "A song of Ice and Fire" by the author George RR Martin, widely regarded as one of the best fantasy series ever written, I noticed a few things which I would like to share here. The series is often classified under Epic Fantasy. However, a closer look at the story would reveal that there is no epic/central plot line. There are two broad plot lines- one where all the people are playing the Game of Thrones. And the other where the Night's Watch are fighting the Others. The series is more like a rope whose strands have come loose and now are billowing in the wind wrapping around each other and unraveling. There is no central plot to keep the threads together. The various POV characters are having their own adventures, often crossing paths with each other, however as in real life there is no unified ending of the loop in sight. This is not to suggest that the series is not good. Epic or not it is definitely one of the best fantasy ever written.

Though I don't understand why would anybody want to be a peasant in this cold gritty unforgiving universe GRRM has created. If you are not a soldier, chances are you are going to be beaten bloody, raped, looted multiple times, mutilated, tortured, and enslaved. I would have thought that would be enough reason for all people to take up arms instead of shovels. I am sure GRRM is trying to make a point here about wars and male chauvinism by highlighting the darker sides of them so brutally. But I did not like that aspect of "The Prince of Nothing" by Richard Scott Bakker or "The Sword of Truth" by Terry Goodkind, not that the latter is comparable to A Song of Ice and Fire by any stretch of imagination. What actually galls me about these medieval fantasy is that the torturers/slavers/rapists escape justice because of various circumstances. And the lords and rulers often encourage them instead of despising them. Torture and Rape has become an accepted part of this world. What I am trying to say is that the Human element is missing even for characters like Daenerys who are practically the embodiment of all human virtues. Even Daenerys doesn't understand the need for vengeance of the maegi Mirri Maz Duur who had been raped multiple times by the Dothraki. How could one such as the maegi ever reconcile with the Dothraki.

There is another aspect of the story which is strange. The faith and the old gods reside peacefully. I am sure there is a bloody history somewhere which GRRM hasn't told yet, because no two religion can tolerate each other. GRRM rectifies that somewhat by bringing in the religion of the red god Rh'llor later in the series. But I thought more blood would have flown in the clash of religions compared to the clash of kings as our own history suggests.

Now a word about my favourite character. It is Tyrion Lannister . I do love a sarcastic cynic, trying to survive in this big brutal world with a handicap. Of course being a grey character I hate him at times like how he quietly accepted what happened to Tysha when he thought she was just a whore.

Now I want to read it again.......Hopefully the next two books will be published before GRRM expires himself.

Monday, June 11, 2012

I have a huge collection of junk in the various partitions of my hard drive. As I was going through one such folder the other day I found some hilarious and weird notes which I must have collected from somewhere. So here they are:

'Actual conversation after 3rd ODI between India-Pak played in Lahore Paskistan on 13 Feb 2006:

Rameez: So Inzy, disappointed with your performance today?Inzy: Bismilla-e-rehman-e-rahim. Thank you allah.ya the indian batsman is play very good today. we is try very hard but is not win the game.

Rameez: Any words for Dhoni?Inzy: Ya dhoni is play very well. He is hit his shot very hard in our gaps. In start, we is protect our gaps very well. the grass is also thick.. but dhoni is split our gaps with his bat.

Rameez: Another ordinary bowling performance?Inzy: Ya our balls is loose. the bowler is went for many run. Asif is bowled well. Also, after some shots the ball is out of shape. umpire is not give another ball. it is tough to play with one ball.

Rameez: Dropped catches.. did that prove costly?Inzy: ya the ball is not stick to our hands. we is practice a lot sticking our bat in our hands.. but now we is more practice sticking balls in our hands.

Rameez: Any plans for the next match?Inzy: ya India is on top but we is try to bounce on our back. Insha allah we is play better.

Rameez: All the best InzyInzy: Thank is you"

Okay I have to apologize now. Because I don't think the conversation actually went as above. Besides Pakistani or not, Inzamam ul Haq was a damn fine batsman to watch and definitely deserves my respect.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson 5: Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

A
lot of people will attest to the fact that Trey Parker and Matt Stone
are a couple of Genius. Not only they have made a show like South Park,
they often manage to produce something even beyond the ridiculously high
expectation level they have set. Here is one such example. The episode
was "Fishsticks" and they spoofed Kanye West with this awesome lyrics
rendered to the tune of the song "Heartless". I have made those parts
which I found worth a ROFLMAO bold. Enjoy. For best effects read it
while listening to the song on youtube here.

I've been so lonely, girlI've been so sad and downcouldn't understandwhy others joked aroundI wanted to be freewith other creatures like meand now I got my wishcuz, I know that I am a gay fish(gay fish, yo)mother fuckin' gay fish(I'm a fish, yo)girl I am a gay fish(it's alright girl)makin' love to other gay fishall those lonely nightsat the grocery store in the frozen fish aislefeeling like a whore'cuz I wasn't being trueeven though everyone saidthat I had to make a switch(gay fish)now I know that i'm a gay fish(gay fish, yo)mother fuckin' gay fish(I'm a fish, yo)girl

I am a gay fish(now where I belong, girl)makin' love to other gay fishI used to be scared, denyingwho I wasactin' straight, but then goin'out to the gay fish clubsdancin' with the marlins,makin' out with all the snappersi'd take a salmon home and work that coddle fin for hoursbut now i'm out and i'm freeto love what I wantbe it yellowfin or bass or thattrout in vermontI slap that marlin ass, makethat grouper butt shakei'll come to your house and have an orgy in your mother fuckingfish tankmother fuckin' gay fish(I'm a fish, yo)girl I am a gay fish(now where I belong, girl)makin' love to other gay fishI really get aroundi'm a slut of the seawhen I say I got crabsI mean it literallyI was eating dinnerand just had to go downon that mackerel on the dish'cus i'm the gayest of the gay fishmother fuckin' gay fish(I'm a fish, yo)girl I am a gay fish(now where I belong, girl)but I got to settle downI can't be a whoreI ain't gonna just sleepwith any fish no morefound me a lovera brother who's a cross-dressing pike named Trishand together we are gay fishmother fuckin' gay fish(I'm a fish, yo)girl I am a gay fish(now where I belong, girl)makin' love to other gay fish

Friday, June 8, 2012

Being an Indian Citizen has its perils. There are so few moments of pride. I am sorry to say I did not feel proud when our national anthem was selected as the best in the world by UNICEF. Because it was an internet hoax spread by some jingoistic fool. I did not feel proud when the Taj Mahal was selected as the first among the Seven Wonders of the World. Because it was selected via SMS votes and India has a huge population.

Then as the maggots of the government corruption began to ooze out on practically a daily basis, that was probably the lowest point of national morale. Not only the knowledge that most of the people in political power were corrupted to the core (which was mostly known), but the sheer scale of the scams (CWG, 2G, Coalgate) was a shock to the morale. Sadly, then came the unconstitutional opposition to these scams in the form of a voice to have LOKPAL by certain groups which comprised of people who themselves are corrupted and attention seeking. Youths across the nation started supporting the campaign (they were supporting that in Facebook though) to have a feel of how it was to protest against the regime. Of course they were just trying to emulate the great Bhagat Singh, Sukdev, the Mahatma, SC Bose, etc (having born much late after Indian Independence they missed out on the war for freedom. This was their way of having a new "movement", a "revolution") Who doesn't love a revolution against an oppressing regime? However I did not feel pride in that. As soon as India won the World Cup 2011, everything was forgotten though and people went back to their lives. Not even the unearthing of the huge Coalgate scam could elicit a response from the people who had become numb to corruption. ("Cholche. Cholbe" Zindabad). It wasn't a moment to feel proud. Then the government started to tinker with the secondary education system which they had started doing ever since they came into power after NDA. And by secondary education system, they only saw the ones which actually work, viz. the IITs. Ignoring the rest of them which don't work, they started doing some exceptional work to bring back the proud IITs to the average. Surely not a moment of pride. (Though the proposed system has lots of merits given certain modifications like elimination of the board marks as means of qualification)

It is not a big news by any means (No one was terrorized, no one was raped, no scam surfaced, no minister was granted bail, Sachin did not score a century, It wasn't an IPL Scandal, it wasn't a Poonam Pandey/ KRK tweet, Aamir Khan did not cry on national television, no Bollywood star was involved in an affair, Mamata Banerjee did not oppose some act, Digvijaya Singh did not open his mouth and Manmohan Singh remained as commentless as ever). But Man! did it feel good. Having studied at an IIT (albeit an IIT which is the first to agree with the MHRD on anything and everything) I will always feel a kinship with any IIT. And this was a moment of pride. The very fact that IITK senate decided to throw dung at the face of Mr. Kapil Sibal ("I am a 60 year old spoiled kid. I want my own toy. Gee, the "IIT" toy looks shiny") lifted my spirits to such high that I immediately started writing this post. Such was the excitement that my abysmal living conditions (extreme heat, humidity, a nearby hornets' nest and some other bothersome pests) bothered me no more. It was such a "Fuck you" moment that I forgot the pain of my childhood hero transforming into a political lackey for the moment. Definitely the way to show the middle finger. Remember it is very difficult to come out of the grip of the government for the IITs (despite them being "autonomous") because most of their funds still come from the government unlike their counterparts in the more developed nations. So it is very difficult to stand up to the government like this. I don't know if IITK is really going to go through this or fold under the pressure of the all-knowing illiterate politicians. But damn if it wasn't a moment to savour, a MOMENT OF PRIDE.

Why? oh why? For fuck's sake it is just a domestic competition. Where were the felicitations when Bengal won the Ranji or Mohun bagan/ East Bengal won the IFA shield and the National Football League?

Felicitating the Bengal team for winning Ranji might still have meant something because it is Team Bengal. But KKR? Seriously? The team is owned by the probably the most cringe inducing actor of Bollywood who happens to hail from Delhi. There are hardly any players in the team to make it a team from Bengal. Only it happens to bear the name "Kolkata" which it tried to shed a few years back, if I remember it correctly.

Monday, May 21, 2012

This post is going to be "XXX" rated. And although the tales presented here are only a little bit exaggerated, considering the sentiments of the "changed/matured (whatever they want to call themselves these days" people who were involved in the acts, their names haven't been referred to. My close friends at KGP will of course identify them in a moment, but as for others KEEP GUESSING.

WARNING: Read only if you are an adult and have a very gross sense of humour. Otherwise back off before you form the obvious bad impression about the guys.

*********************************************************************************************************************
Time: 2:00 AM
F1 is at home sleeping in a bed and by happenstance has to share the bed with his father (An extremely hot weather and only one room with Air Conditioner being the reason)
F2 calls F1 on phone. The phone wakes everyone up. F2 is screaming.
F2: Dude, I heard that you have had sex. And you haven't TOLD MEEEEEEEEE????????
F1: I am at home.......sleeping......and its 2 o' clock at night.
F2: FUCK YOU! first tell me did u have or haven't had sex?
F1: Let's talk later......Seriously I am at HOME now
F2: NO. First answer my question.
F1: (whispers) Alright. yes
F2: fine then. I will call you later. Be ready with all the gory details of how you lost your virginity.
F1: clicks off the phone.
F1's father: Who was that?
F1: (exasperatedly) F2
F1's father: Dear Lord.......
F1: yup. there you go......

*********************************************************************************************************************
A regular gathering of friends.....Suddenly F6 exclaims
F6: I tried an amazing thing last night. Could not do it quite
REST: what?
F6: I tried to suck my own dick!
REST: (facepalm)
(chorus) masochistic pervert fucker
F2: so what? even I tried to do it. I could not touch the tip of the dick with my tongue though. I know a guy in **** block who does it regularly.
REST: (Mutual facepalm)
F1: I don't know about you all. But I need a heavy dosage of lesbian porn right now. (leaves)
F6: (ignores reactions of the people) Yup. Its only the most supple who can do it. All those porn where the guy does it, actually has surgery done to remove the floating ribs in order to be more bendy!!!!
F1 walks away faster from the discussion.

*********************************************************************************************************************
F3 is regularly verbally ragged in every session of these late night discussions. In college lingo, that is called rape. One fine evening while discussing among friends F1 tries to visualize this rape of F3.
F1: Its as if F3 comes out of his room everyday, finds our group, joins us, turns around, drops his pants, bends and invites us to take turn in gang-raping him. Finally satisfied, when he tries to leave with his bruised arse, we fuck his arsehole with his own dick and as an added measure put his balls inside his arsehole. That is when he cries out, "There is a limit to everything!!" and leaves ultimately. Next day: A repeat of what just happened.
REST: That was an amazingly accurate visualization

*********************************************************************************************************************
F2's morbid fascination with F3's private parts leads him to call on F1 at the dead of the night.
F2: I just had a tremendous idea. When F3 marries, he will try and avoid acquainting us with his wife.
F1: Because we fuck his arsehole so much?
F2: Yes. He will say to his wife, "I can't take you to meet my friends. They fuck me in my arsehole." His wife will say, "Let me see, how they have hurt you". F3 takes off his trousers and his underwear to show his fabulous bottom to his wife. His wife will be flabbergasted to find his dick plugged into his arsehole. F3 will say, "See, they have fucked me so much that my anus has widened beyond the acceptable limits. Now I can't control my bowel movement with such a wide arsehole. In order to plug the leak I had to start using an anal plug. Later I had a better idea. Since my penis also leaks urine, lubricating fluid, and semen I decided to kill to birds with one stone and put my dick inside my arsehole. But it did not solve the problem. The arsehole was too loose for the dick. So I had special two way plugs manufactured for better fitting." His wife will be highly impressed by his ingenuity. She will say, "Wow! you are so smart".
F1: He will also have another advantage with such an arrangement. Whenever he needs to carry a lot of luggage and he can't fit them all in his two hands, he could hang it from the penis and plug the penis back into his arsehole.
F2: He might have to do that all the time, given the his huge ballsack. Extra support will be welcome.
F5: (roaring with laughter) That was an eerily detailed visualization.
F2: What can I say. I was bored.
F1: ..and horny
On hearing the sudden roar of laughter F3 comes out of his room with anticipation.
F3: (with a smile which is ready to transform into laughter) What happened? Tell me why are you all laughing?
F5: We were just discussing you.
F3: (the smile curdles) In that case I would better leave
F3 leaves in a hurry before F5 and F2 can catch him and make him suffer with the story.

*********************************************************************************************************************
Friday evening.....F4 is very excited because he has finally booked rooms for his girlfriend. And they are going to have sex. Its time F4 lost his virginity.
Monday morning.......F4 returns battered, bruised, bloody.......like he has been through World War II.
REST: Dude, we heard that the girl bleeds during her first time, that too on rarer cases these days. Why is a quarter of your own blood leaking out of your numerous deep wounds?
F4:(with a satisfied smile) I offered her weed. We had sex after we had weed. We were high as fuck. And we were fucking so hard we had no other sensation. I got bruised against the wall, the bed and what not. I didn't even feel the pain.
REST: seriously? you have a small chunk of your feet missing!
F4: (knowingly) happens! (shrugs and gives a glorious exit. The kind maidens talk about)
F2: Fucker just lied through his teeth. I know what he did. He is a pervert of the first order. He is into BDSM. That is why he is bleeding.
F6: (excitedly) Now I know just the thing to gift him on his marriage. A pair of cuffs!
F5: So F4 and his girlfriend are an accident waiting to happen. One fine day the neighbours will come to their house and find them dead from performing some weird sexual act.
.......suddenly F4 joins in again.
F4: Guess what! we even tried Erotic asphyxiation!
REST: (stare at each other in wonder)

*********************************************************************************************************************
Freshmen year.........
F1: I have heard that F7 is Mr. Goody two shoes. What do you say F7? could you say a few swear words.
F7: (only smiles like a simpleton)
F1: just say "Penis" or "dick" or "cock"
F7:(innocently) no
A lot of effort and F7 still doesn't utter a single swear word.

Junior year........
F7 comes to F1's room
F7: I have just shared an exclusive rape porn series in the hub
F1: That is some rapid change from the guy who wouldn't utter a single swear word a year back! you just skipped the step of normal sex and graduated to rape!

Senior year.........After returning from a foreign country
F7: That was an awesome two months for me. I groped so many girls. And none of them were even bothered about it.
F1: This guy is fast approaching "Jack the Raper" status

*********************************************************************************************************************
F3 is gaming with all the concentration in the world. F2 finds him sitting in a crouched position with a bent knee. F2 rushes out and gathers everyone around to see "the spectacle".
F2: Over there! F3 has a ball dangling out of his shorts. He has a loose scrotum.
F3: (still ignoring everybody in the room)
F1: (over analyzing) either he has a long sack or small balls. My bet's on a long sack.
F2: Me too. He probably has a sack so long, he has to wind it around his legs to keep it from dangling dangerously and blocking his forward motion while walking with a back swing of the pendulum.
F3's roommate: (annoyed) All you fuckers get out of here immediately.

*********************************************************************************************************************
F8: You know the kind of women I like?
REST: No, we don't want to know.
F8: (ignores them) I would love to have a milking babe. You know, every time I need a cup of tea, I will just squeeze out some milk from her. It will be like possessing a live coffee/tea maker.
F6: (sarcastically) If we ever visit you would you offer us the same tea/coffee
F8: No probs dude. I am not possessive. I am even willing to swing her. You know what? I don't even want to talk to her. I just want here available every time I want her for something. That's it.
F4: what if she cheats on you
F8: No probs. As long as I get sex whenever I am horny.
F1: yeah. you will need to put up some sort of time table. Monday 8:30 to 9:00 PM sex time, Tuesday 7:00 AM Milking time, and likewise
F8: yup! a very good idea!
F6: By the way, I will take you up on your swinging idea. Let's have a deal that once we are married we will swing each other's wives.
F8: fine. done!

F2: F3 needs very tight set of underwear so that even if he gets an erection his penis is locked downwards. Otherwise his crotch will burst out.

F1: Yes, especially since he gets horny every now and then. Say, he becomes so excited that he has an orgasm and ejaculates in his pants. So what happens is, say he is walking through a road. Suddenly he ejaculates. Because of the immense force generated by him ejaculating his pants drop suddenly and a bottomless F3 flies out of his pants.

F2: Oh. Shit! He needs specially designed underwear and trousers as well, one which has zip that goes all the way around his crotch. So that whenever he needs to ejaculate he just opens the zip, ejaculates in the downward direction and flies away to hid destination like a missile.

*********************************************************************************************************************
F9: You know what? I don't understand this fellatio business. It is so disgusting. I can't even imaging touching something with my tongue where there has been urine not too long ago.
F10: so you won't have a problem if I perform cunnilingus on your wife.
F9: Go ahead! by all means........as long as she doesn't give you a blowjob too
REST: wow!

F3: How do you bear wearing underwear or any sort of clothing for that matter? Don't you feel a tingling sensation? My glans are so sensitive that whenever I roll back the foreskin it tingles like anything and I laugh out loud

F11 is explaining how hard his life has been!
F11: My folks are perennially angry about me. Every time I go home they screw me in the arse one way or other. Especially my mother
F5: So to quote you, your mother "fucks you in the arse"?
..............There are roars of laughter and banging of the mess table from all corners of the mess.

*********************************************************************************************************************
PS: Probably this is the world GRRM wants to live in!

NOTE: All musings and ramblings are just what they are: Musings and Ramblings. They are not intentions or dreams. They are just a result of some very fertile imagination of idle brains. Do not judge them literally. Even though the lesser minds will!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Yes. I have begun another collection, one which I hope will be regularly updated. This is a collection of the best of the articles I have ever read. I have already forgotten a lot of them. But from here on I am going to save them here: