Think you need to let go of the unnecessary worry, negative and helpless thoughts you have to allow yourself to move forward. Using the Samaritans, krysallis, making the debt more manageable, quitting the Sunday job you didn't like and handing over the final card - all very good positive steps in the right direction.

Noticing a bit more of a positive tone to all your posts - I like it.

However, you did upset me a bit a couple of posts back Little miss lost.

Don't ever think that you're a bad mother.

I've noticed that you write lovingly about your four children and grandchild all the time. It's really nice to read. Then you worry because YOU buy your daughter lunch?

You are very obviously a great mother; that became abundantly clear a long time ago to anyone who reads this thread.

Your daughter will want to treat you - it has nothing to do with how much money you have or haven't got.

Thanks to all the above for your kind words.
Glint, I have to say you brought a tear to my eye!!
50 days, next stop 100!!
I've had a lot of messing about sorting my finances through no fault of my own but I'm now at the stage where I've opened a new bank account.
Letters are going out now to some creditors and as soon as the switch has been made to my bank asking if I can pay a very low payment. I can't believe they'd accept it but the man at citizens advice thought they would so I'm keeping everything crossed!
My counselling session went well,
Just nice to be able to talk to someone about my situation.Yes I've got my friends but I don't tell them the extent of my debts.
Thanks for the continued support
LML x

Hi all,
Had my baby grandson over last night - lucky me!
Two of my daughters and their partners came for brunch - absolutely loved it! So much better than working in the rain (the Sunday job I gave up two weeks ago!)
Productive week as explained above.
I've just stated on 2017 challenge - little miss lost now feels like she's starting to find her way a bit more.
Day by day, thanks to all on this site and counselling but I know the real reason is because I've not gambled for 53 days.
I must not falter. Happiness to all. x

To any new members, 54 days ago I was sat in my car outside my house in the freezing cold in the early hours of the morning (so my daughter who was in bed couldn't hear me) totally distraught, pouring my heart out to the samaritans. I couldn't see a way out of the mess that gambling had got me into. I hated myself. I hated gambling and I hated being in the situation I was in. A lovely elderly gentleman spoke to me from samaritans. I needed someone to talk to and he was there offering me so much support. I knew the only way I could feel better was to first stop gambling.
Don't get me wrong. Every day since I have thought about it. Every day i think about the buzz I got seeing 3 bonuses on the spinning reels but every day I remind myself of the despair gambling has caused me.
I just have to keep going. I want to like me again.
I hope I have many of you beside me, joining me along the way.
The peace of mind it brings to me is worth it. x

To any new members, 54 days ago I was sat in my car outside my house in the freezing cold in the early hours of the morning (so my daughter who was in bed couldn't hear me) totally distraught, pouring my heart out to the samaritans. I couldn't see a way out of the mess that gambling had got me into. I hated myself. I hated gambling and I hated being in the situation I was in. A lovely elderly gentleman spoke to me from samaritans. I needed someone to talk to and he was there offering me so much support. I knew the only way I could feel better was to first stop gambling. Don't get me wrong. Every day since I have thought about it. Every day i think about the buzz I got seeing 3 bonuses on the spinning reels but every day I remind myself of the despair gambling has caused me. I just have to keep going. I want to like me again. I hope I have many of you beside me, joining me along the way. The peace of mind it brings to me is worth it. x

You are 54 days down the path. The thoughts and urges DO fade, and instead come clarity and focus.

Hi Little Miss Lost, and thank you so much for your kind comments on the "We can and we will" thread the other day - it was really appreciated :) and congratulations on 54 wonderful GF days so far :) :) !

LML, #206 and #207 are so good to read. Well done. I echo Glint's comment, you are a good mum, and because you are a good mum you feel more deeply those times that you have acted in a way that has adversely affected your kids....the thing is, your children may not even realise it. The night my son came home for a weekend, I chose to spend in the casino....he didn't know what time he was getting home, he was happy for me to be out 'enjoying' myself...that decision pains me now, as I chose gambling over my son, but I have to let it go. It is the past. Keep on moving forward. We are better people for not gambling x

Thanks for all of the above posts. Sbb I'll keep you to that!!!
Rhoda, when I look back at my life I realise all I look at are the times where I have made bad decisions. I constantly beat myself up. The stupid thing is I do all I can for my children so you're right, they don't see everything and they can't read my mind.
I've just got to learn to accept my bad decisions and keep doing what I'm doing now. The main thing is I've got so much I can be happy for, i've just got to accept the past and enjoy the present instead of beating myself up about things I can't change.
Gambling has robbed me of my personality as well as my money.
It changed me as a person. I hate the person it made me into.
I want to get back to being kind, caring, funny and open - don't get me wrong I know I wasn't perfect but I wasn't the moody, miserable, silent recluse that gambling turned me into.
I want the sun to shine in my life again, it's starting to peep through the clouds, purely thanks to me being 60 days gf. It's up to me to continue on this road, to allow it to shine through completely. I long for that day.
Thanks for letting me ramble, strength to all xx

Hi lml thank you for your post to me it really does mean a lot. I'm struggling but still gf. I am just taking it one day at a time because it's an extremely powerful addiction isn't it and last time I thought I had cracked it but I hadn't. Thank you your words mean a lot Lulu xx

3.30am and sat on a goddam demo playing my favourite slot.
I flipping hate being on this flaming emotional roller coaster.
Flipping get a grip. Stop playing the demo slots and start getting back your life.
I must be sick in the head. Why would I spend hours doing this??? I know I've got to retrain my brain, that means abstain completely. I've told others that on this site! I know I haven't spent money but i still feel a failure.
I'm off work this week. I've got a lovely week planned. Why oh why then should I feel the need to sit watching reels spin around.
I'm not going there any more. It's got to stop now. I'm now going to sleep and hopefully miraculously wake up a different person.
Sorry to anyone reading this. I probably frustrate many people with my up and down posts but to be honest this is what I am. I wish I wasn't but . . . One consolation I'm not losing money but I am wasting time and messing my head up. It's got your stop.
Thanks for listening.

You don't frustrate anyone with up and down honest posts. Inevitably there's going to be a mess left behind from a gambling addiction. I cannot think of any regular poster on here who has only posted 'up' posts.

Addiction or no addiction - that's not realistic.

Your focus is on what others think rather than what you think of yourself. That's where work needs to be done.

"Hopefully miraculously wake up a different person."

You're selling yourself short again Little miss lost.

You don't need to 'hope' things will change if you 'make' things change. One gives you no control, the other is you starting to take control - which you have been with the counselling, handing over the credit card and sorting the debts.

Back to demo slots, you feel week, you lose sense of control - you're left with 'hope'.

You 'hope' you win at slots, you cannot 'make' yourself win at slots.

I've tried.

The more you start making things happen the more belief you will have to go from 'making' to 'knowing' that you can deal with things.

I know you can do it Little miss lost.

Lots of work still to be done.

You have to keep challenging your negative thoughts that are holding you back.

From your posts we have established you are a great mother, grandmother, sister and friend. That's quite clear. Very good contributor here too.

Up and down posts.....your telling the truth, that's what it is!! Mine are the same. It's part of the journey. You've not gambled money but you're gambling with your mind...kick those demos to the curb! Cmon your doing so well you deserve the happiness xx

Thanks lethe, hopeful soul, glint and Lady h. I Really appreciate your messages.
What a couple of hours I've had. Remember I said I gave my credit card to my friend a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't trust myself with it? Well guess what I got through the post today - another flipping one!! All I can think is the date must have been up on the other.
So stupid, dumb, life wrecking brain goes into overdrive. . .' It's a sign that I should give it one last try - put in £500 and if that fails go to a £1000 - no more than that though. Just imagine how great it would be watching those bonuses come up. You should get a few ĺf You could get your debts down. Bet high win high'.
On and on and on it went urging me to go on. . . .
I must fight back. This is my first school holiday that I've had for a while where I haven't gambled it makes me feel so much better in myself.
I've been shopping and bought little luxuries! All thanks to the fact that I haven't gambled.
Disappear card. You're going to be out of here. You're not getting a penny off me!
Still upsets me though how weak I am and how I feel the urges are still as bad as ever, gets me down thinking I've a lifetime ahead of having these urges. I could cry!!
So tired, night x
Xx

Hey your doing well, look at the postitives, you did not give in today, you beat the urges therefore you are winning now. You said it's the first school holidays in a while you have had money, that's only because you didn't gamble therefore your a winner again. The urges do get less and less, do you think you may benefit from some cognitive behavioural therapy? Addiction messes up our thought processes and some times we need a bit of help. gambling leaves all sorts of scars that have to heal,which takes time x take care and be proud of how far you have come x

Just wanted to reiterate how well you are doing especially as you are still getting lots of urges (which is very normal). You are managing them great so please don't think badly of yourself. Instead, remind yourself that thoughts are merely that! They are not actions and they do not do anything physically. The important thing is how you managing those thoughts and you are doing a really great job of managing these.

I have been reading your diary. I am female and similar age to you - 54.

Take care and keep striding ahead (or mini steps) if necessary. It doesn't matter how, just as long as you it takes you forward.

Massive thanks Anon 100 and our Lady.
I've just looked up cbt Anon. I'm seeing a councellor at the moment so I'll mention it on my next visit.
Well I woke up this morning, first thing I thought of was 'what did I do last night?'
Felt massive relief when I remembered I hadn't gambled. Stupid addiction. I still seem to be allowing it to play a big part in my life. That credit card has to go!!
Good news, I haven't been on a demo since my last post where I was up at 3am mentally beating myself up.(Monday) 60+ days gf now!!
I've been so lucky. I've had a lovely week off work, as previously stated I usually spend them regretting the losses I've made. This time I've been out and about having a lovely time. Today I'm getting together with my 3 daughters and seeing my gorgeous little grandson.
These gambling demons which we fight against want to take these precious moments away from us. Today I'm going to meet up with them and not have that feeling of guilt and self - disgust weighing me down, darkening my mood. They deserve to have a mum who doesn't have to 'pretend' to be happy because of what gambling has done to her mental health. Today they'll have a mum who they can be proud of.
I'm providing/taking the lunch (how sad, that in itself makes me happy. When I was gambling I just didn't have the time, inclination or to be honest I didn't want to spend the money - so sad it's brought a flipping tear just writing it! How low this addiction can take us . . ) We regularly see each other but it's lovely for us all to be in the same room at the same time, work commitments and all that.
Thanks for reading. Strength and happiness to all. X

Thanks Our Lady,
I had a lovely day yesterday and to finish it off I got rid of the credit card that I'd been sent.
So much easier to stay gamble free with no access to funds. It makes no difference to me that I'd be spending money which wasn't really mine. Unfortunately my morals where cash is involved changed years ago when my addiction took hold.
Reading about others downfalls does affect me. I feel for them because I know I could easily gamble again myself.
Our scrambled brain tries to make us imagine us winning when in truth it's not going to happen.
Relapses happen, we feel dreadful but I feel it does help us to realise that what we're looking for will never happen therefore when we try again I think we do think twice before we relapse again.
I told Deano and Oldham that it was having to post on their 2017 challenge that I'd failed which helped me to not gamble when I had a new credit card screaming at me to deposit in my hand.
I didn't want to say I'd failed.
I want my life to change. The only way I can do this is to build myself up. Get some pride back in myself and enjoy what I have already in life. It's all there for me. I don't need to gamble. I just have to keep reminding myself and count my blessings.
Waffle, Waffle, Waffle . . . lol!!
Happiness to all x

I've just been reading 'favourite posts' posted by Michelle on the overcoming problem gambling section. It's worth a read for anyone who needs a bit of inspiration.
I'm in a good place today. I want a better life. Being gamble free will give me a better life. 67 days and I can feel some changes already. I look forward to a future where I will be at peace with myself which in turn will make me a better person for others. x

Thanks Anon. I'm just concentrating on realising I'm feeling so much better without gambling. I want it to stay like this and I know it can only happen if I keep away from those online slots.
My wages went into my new bank account today, direct debits will come out tomorrow and I'll be left with a balance meaning I'm not overdrawn!
Yes I've got debts elsewhere but I'm sorting them. Yes it's a ridiculously low amount that I'm paying but I'm putting them in that box at the back of my head and loving the fact that I haven't had any casino withdrawals for 2 whole months!
Loving this feeling! x

Lovely to read that you are starting to feel the benefits of remaining abstinent. Seeing your bank statements with no gambling transactions is such a boost isnt it? Like you, I am paying back a small amount compared to my overall gambling debt (£41k). I refuse however, to dwell on this and just tell myself that at least I am contributing to this debt, have not gone bankrupt and have got a roof over my head with a fair bit of equity in it. I also have no overdraft facility which means that every time I do go onto my online banking, I can only ever be in credit. Who knows what might happen in a few years?? I may be able to pay off this debt in one go. The important thing is the "here and now" and enjoying being in the present moment. You enjoy to the fullest. You have earned it.

Sooooo day 72 gf. Driving home from work thinking yep I'm feeling OK. This last week I haven't struggled as much as other weeks. I'm starting to accept that I get nowhere with gambling. Short term highs with long term lows. When bam. I get home, look at Gamcare and read about somebody's wins.
The first couple of months after stopping gambling I had it in my head to put £1000 on my credit card and bet with £5 spins. Then if I win it'll be decent and might even pay some debts off.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have just about convinced myself that this wouldn't happen. I'd just end up in my debt and hate myself all over again.
For a while my head went into overdrive, telling myself 'see it can be done, you could clear some debts!'
I wasn't interested that the winnings were lost in the end. (I think they were, I only skim read it)
I wasn't interested on other members responses, I just thought look what a £1000 could do?!
I'm getting my sensible head back on now and giving myself a good ticking off for letting it affect me like it did.
My intentions are not to blame or upset anyone with this post, in fact in one way it has taught me that I have built up the capacity to look ahead and not put rose coloured glasses on where gambling is concerned.
It's made me think - OK you put money on and you're winning - when would i stop? £1500, £2000, 3000, 6000? The answer to that Is i don't really know. I've been winning before and put it all back in - eventually.
I could also put £1000 in and lose it in 20 minutes. That's where my thoughts need to concentrate on.
Loving my non gambling head at the moment. Life is so much better. I'm starting to like myself again. Still lots of issues regarding my debts but I'm feeling so much happier in myself. I'm loving this feeling and staying gf, things can only get better.
Once again I don't want to upset. I'm OK, just pointing out how difficult this addiction is to control but I'll keep trying because my family and I are worth it.
Thanks for letting me ramble,
Have a wonderful gf weekend all. X

Well LML You're doing fantastically well. You are fighting like a warrior against the mind torture which is this gambling addiction. I know it's a combination of the buzz and thoughts of winning money to pay off debts, to make you feel happy and more secure.

I still get the same thoughts: What if I could bet £100 to win £1000, then increase the stakes to win even more. but it doesn't work like that. We have to quash these thoughts completely, from the onset. I continue to have outlandish notions of winning a fortune - but then I have to get real, and tell myself that although it's a nice idea - it's not going to happen!

It certainly seems like you've got your finances in order and it's probably best not to think about the repayment term for the outstanding debts. Be happy for this moment - For this moment is your life.

Lovely to hear how much you are enjoying remaining gamble free. We all get thoughts like that at some time or other. The good thing about thoughts however, is just that - thoughts in our mind. As long as we don't action those thoughts then all is good.

Thank you for you kind responses change my life and our Lady.
What an addiction this is indeed.
I, like many others never thought I'd find myself in this position but here I am.
Now I'm slowly starting to pull my head out of the sand that I've conveniently buried it in for the last 5 years and carefully wiping the sand from my eyes I can see the mess I have created.
Yes, I'm loving that the dark clouds and the heavy weights have been lifted from me but I also feel sadness.
Sadness that I've thought so little of myself to let me get to this.
Sadness that 6 years ago I experienced a heartbtreaking break-up that made me look for another way of coping with every day life. Unfortunately filling the void with online slots was introduced to me.
I met someone a few years ago who I care for very much but he came with problems of his own which affected me, therefore I still felt the need to run to the slots.
Today I know I have to sort those problems out. I now feel i have the strength to put my case forward. I am worth considering. I know I am not perfect but I have to sort these problems because they're making me unhappy.
This may sound garbled but I suppose what I'm trying to say is because I knew I had a problem with gambling I felt as though I had a dirty secret so i couldn't push any issues. Now I feel happier and stronger with myself I'm hoping to take control of my life for the better, therefore creating a happier future where I don't need the crutch of gambling to get me through every day.
Thanks for listening, happy days everyone. They're there if we work hard on blocking gambling and allow them to come. xx

Although I can very much relate to post 230 I still find it crazy the thoughts that go through our heads. Like let's put one grand on a credit card see if we can win some to pay debts off. I thought that way for a long time. I remember some year's back drawing 500 a time on a credit card just trying to win my loan payment crazy?

You're doing really well and it's good to see life is improving for you as well . and you're regaining control of your life I really hope you do have the happy future you deserve. Well done on your over 10 week's bet free.

You're welcome casey, I remember how a break up hurts.
Even though I thought I'd never feel happiness again I'm pleased to report that I did.
Just got to get this addiction under control then I'll be ready to take on the world haha!!
Take care x

Yes I have been busy today but what was great about it was that I was also relaxed. We both know full well, those unbearable feelings we get, when we have yet again, gambled all of our hard earned salary away.

You sound similar to me in that you are surrounded by a loving, caring family, who bring you lots of contentment. You are also hard working and someone who does not quit. You may have had some lapses recently - I'm sure the percentage of people on here must be quite high. That's ok if we learn from this, pick ourselves straight back up and concentrate on making things better again.

You have tried so hard to sort out your finances with the bank and step change etc. It took me way back to when I was doing all that and contacting stepchange. They were so nice to me and I remember the guy, when I was distraught, telling me not to worry as "we" would get it all sorted to something I could afford. Yes my debt at present, is not due to be paid off until another 20 years or so but I remain positive and somehow, believe that I will be in a position, to pay back this earlier. I know that if you have a lump sum to offer, this debt could potentially half!! In the early days, I had so many letters from debtors, asking If I could pay them back now, they would half the debt!! Unfortunately, at the time, this was impossible.

When I was reading your diary, I was so hoping that you would not have to sell your home. Like you, I had too much equity in my home to go bankrupt. My home is my haven - my safe place right now. I don't know what I would have done/felt, if I would have had to give this up, due to gambling!!!

I said in one of my earlier posts, living in the present is so important for people in our position I feel. Why worry about something that has happened/past? Why worry about the future, when we don't know the outcome! We can only be sure of the here and now. I'm okay with that. Yes, like you, I would always worry about what other people were thinking. Like you, only two people know about my gambling - my brother and sister and I am happy for it to remain this way. Mainly due to the fact that I am such a private person and more so, my friends and family, including my son, would just be absolutely gobsmacked, given that I am usually such a sensible person, especially where finances are concerned!!

You should see your past slips as just that - coming to terms with getting to grips with becoming gamble free for once and for all. Simple as! For me, self exclusion from all sites have worked the best. Like you, I did not want to put blocks on my phone/iPad as it messed up too many other things.

Apologies in advance if this is a really long post. I hope you don't mind?

Thanks Our Lady, don't mind me, you chat away!!!
Don't ask me how but I'd missed your post and have only just read it!
You're right, we do sound similar in many ways.
Sorting my debts has been a problem. Step change were very kind but my circumstances caused me not to be able to use them at the moment. I'll say no more!
I've gone through citizens advice. Credit cards have replied but I'm still waiting for a final confirmation about repayments from my old Bank. I'll have to ring if they don't get in touch soon.
I know things will probably get passed onto debt collectors but I'll deal with that when it happens.
I now have a bank account with no overdraft. I have one credit card with nothing on it which my friend keeps for emergencies, all my other credit cards are blocked and my credit rating will be so bad soon I probably won't be able to get anything else.
I just want to have less stress/worries in my life.
The only way I can do this is to remain gamble free - full stop!
If things stay the same, I'll have these debts forever. They won't get paid quickly at a couple of pounds a month! I just have to put them thoughts to the back of my head.
I'm trying hard to stop my brain from getting access to slots. I've not been on demo slots for a while now. To be honest I seem to be a bit in limbo. I still want to play slots and get the buzz I got from slots but I know everything about it is not good for me so I shouldn't.
My debts aren't going down but I suppose they're not going up either.
My emotions are a bit like a yo-yo but I've just got to remember I was far far worse when gambling.
I read on here people saying they definitely don't want to gamble again. I'm envious of them because I think I do want to gamble but I know that if I do it messes with my head, makes me a wreck and takes all my money - so why do I still want to?? - crazy!
Stay strong everyone and love to all xx

Hi Our Lady,
Thanks for asking. I'm OK. Still gamble free.
You are observant!! I'm popping in and popping out. To be honest, I'm trying to distance myself a bit from gambling talk.
I've said previously how I'm feeling a bit in limbo. I'm getting a bit conscious of the fact that any spare time I'm reminding myself of gambling if that makes sense even if it is through coming on this site.
Don't get me wrong gamcare still plays a major role in me staying gf but instead of reading all the posts I'm trying to get back into books again.
I used to enjoy a good novel but for the last few months I haven't read any.
I want to stay informed and support people but it's amazing how time consuming it can be!
I guess I'm doing what I feel I should do right now. I really want to get back to a life without every spare minute thinking about gambling and this feels like a step forward.
Keep going everyone - onward and upward! X

Thanks for your post on my diary. I totally understand what you mean when you talk about coming on here all the time, brings gambling to the forefront of your mind. I feel the same, especially as I did not give it much thought at all for over two and a half years. At the minute however, I would rather it remain there, just until my mind is fully settled again and I know that my "sensible head" is firmly fixed back onto my strong shoulders once more.

Just a thought and, something which I did when I was doing well when last on here. Instead of posting on a daily basis and recording "day 20" etc, I then started to post only on a weekly basis "week 20" etc. I would also, only then read other diaries once per week I would also then "check in" on the thread challenges. Doing this, allowed me the time to "get on" with the rest of my "gamble free" life so to speak. Hope this helps but I am aware that each recovery journey is down to personal choice and need at the time.

So, a couple of things to report this week.
Was going on a rare night out and thought I'm sick of wearing the same clothes I'm going to get myself something new to wear.
Walking into the shop it hit me that I never would have done this a few months ago. I haven't much money in my account but I felt I could spend some of it on a new outfit because I know I'll have enough left to get me by to the end of the month. I know what my bank balance is and can keep a track now I don't gamble.
Secondly, I went out for a celebration meal with my family and I didn't choose one of the cheaper options like I usually do.
Once again that funny feeling came over me as I consciously realised what I was doing.
I happily invited my friends round and had a great evening and am planning a get together for when the weather picks up.
All because my head is in a better place.
Don't get me wrong it's not been easy, I have still occasionally done demo spins on one of the slots, I know this is wrong and I will try to stop but this is sooo much better than all the money I used to throw away.
Reads positive except for the blip at the end. 90 days gamble free,
my sights are set on 100. x

Lovely to read that you remain gamble free and are reaping some rewards for this. One of the things I missed, was inviting family/friends areound - being the perfect host and all that! I found myself making excuses which I'm sure people must have thought strange at the time?? Anyway, happy to say that it has now resumed and I am back to doing what I love, which is having people round for food and drinks.

You're doing great LML...It's good to see you reaping the rewards of remaining GF, we forget the value of money when we gamble & I'm not sure that I'll ever feel comfortable 'spending' money again but as long as I'm not throwing it away on slots I can live with that :).

Thanks Our Lady and Silly, lovely to hear from you and kind of you to comment. We're all in this together.
Walking through work today, feeling good. Head clear, weight lifted off my shoulders, steps lighter, why would I want to gamble and lose this feeling???
I don't want to but I know for a fact that when I get a quiet moment the thoughts are still there so I've got to stay on my guard.
Never want to go back to feeling such despair. I can do this, my life can only get better. . . x

I've just read through the last few pages of your diary. Firstly congratulations on 100 days! You're post about being in a car talking to the Samaritans really hit me. I can remember in the worst days of my addiction wandering into a church and talking to a priest with tears in my eyes because I felt had no one else to turn to. There were times when I was chain smoking cigarettes, hands shaking as I talked down the phone to a helpline.

The problem is I don't remind myself about these situations enough. I've been tuning in and out of this forum for years. I'm sure it's saved me 1000's of pounds but I get complacent, forget the pain and somehow gambling creeps back into my life. I relapsed last week and had a big loss last night. I couldn't sleep. It was like I was punishing myself for no reason. So I’m back here again, reading diaries.

I see a lot of positivity in your posts and you are an inspiration. You've clocked up an impressive amount of entries in your diary and you seem determined to beat this addiction. Congratulations on your achievements do far. I'll be following your progress. Wishing you all the best.