Months ago, I had lunch with an incredibly wise couple. Between mouthfuls of pizza, I peppered them with questions about how to love people better, about whether it’s harmful to distinguish between everyday life and “ministry,” and about spiritual gifts. I also asked them how I could know if God had marriage or singleness for me.

Have you ever found yourself wrestling with this question?

At times, it just seems like it would be a very important thing to know. For example, I’ve been house-hunting for the past couple of months. If I knew I would be single for the rest of my life, I would have taken advantage of the government’s first-time home buyer tax credit, and bought a house. But, in the end, I decided to rent a house in order to be a bit less tied-down.

Anyway, back to our lunch conversation . . . I asked my friends, “How can I know if God has marriage or singleness for me?”

Their answer surprised me. They told me that I was asking the wrong question, and that it would provide the wrong answer. Rather than speculating about my future, they told me to just assume that God will give me the best wherever I am.

So, these days I’m not asking that question anymore. Instead, I’m taking comfort in Truths like this one from Psalm 139:16-18:

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand" (emphasis added).

I’m curious . . . do you agree or disagree that I was asking the wrong question? And do you believe that God will give you and me what’s best for us? Why or why not?

Comments

Paula,
I agree that you were asking the wrong question. I agree that the right question is where does God want me and what can I do to serve the Lord fully and joyfully at this place in my life? We need to learn to be fulfilled right where we are. For many, that is in singleness and for many others that is in their marriage. We must trust that God's plan for us is trustworthy because He is trustworthy. We must also know in our hearts that God's plan is so much grander than our own. We need to seek His at every turn.
God bless all the women following this conversation. It is a joy to see women discussing this marriage issue open and honestly.

posted by Kristi
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 7:48 am

Oh - I agree that God will give you what's best for you! And I would agree that it was the wrong question if you were basically telling God you don't like His timing and you want Him to hurry up and do something! And I also think I sometimes try to tell God and myself that I have a reason for needing to know something - when really, I just WANT TO KNOW!

But I don't think you're really questioning God when you have those practical decisions to make - like which house to buy? I'm 43 years old and may not have any more children. I try to just keep things simple, as far as having a house payment that's very affordable for us... so we've been remodeling bathrooms and things in our house, thinking it would be wise to stay here forever. Yet - if God does have any more children in mind for me, I would sure wish I just bought a bigger house, rather than spending the money on this one... I'm thinking that when we are following the Lord in our lives and bringing all of those decisions to Him, He will lead us the right way, even if we didn't feel like our questions were answered in that process. And of course, how many of those decisions that seem huge at the time are really such insignificant parts of our lives!

posted by Annie
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 7:55 am

Paula,
I can identify with you. I've asked the same question and received no answer. Instead, God lovingly reminded me that I'm precious to Him and of great value . 5 years ago I bought a house. This was a huge leap of faith. God directed me to a wonderful neighborhood with loving, caring people. Some are Christians and some are not. We care for each other and I've had many opportunities to share Christ with them. Home ownership is a challenge when things break done, but God continues to provide for me. I could write a book about all the things I've learned to fix when I couldn't hire someone. A married friend, whose husband travels with his job ,has shown me how to do many things. I don't know if I'll ever be married, but I want to live fully and for the Lord. Some days are easier than others, but God remains faithful to me.

posted by Kathryn
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 8:13 am

The scripture "You have not because you ask not" came to my mind when I read your comment. Everyone seems to talk to God differently. I myself wander in making these decisions do I say to the Father, all my days you have written down and you know the plans you have for me. My request God to you today is that you would reveal them to me that I may be walking in harmony with you.

wd

posted by Wanda Dunford
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 8:15 am

Paula,

I appreciate your question and I do agree with your friends. All I ever wanted was to be married and a stay at home mom. The Lord graciously gave me that for 23 years, but then I had to go to work and my husband took his own life. I really questioned why the Lord took away what I wanted. Will I ever be married again? Now I am starting to see that the question is whether I will serve the Lord in whatever circumstances He has allowed in my life. What happens down the road is not nearly as important as how I am living for Him today.

posted by Marlene
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 9:56 am

Paula,
The verse that came to mind as I read this and the comments is 1 Corinthians 10:31 which is my life verse for whatever state I may find myself.
"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." In every season of life as a daughter of our great God, single, married, children or no children, divorced, widowed, etc. should be seen as an opportunity to honor and glorify God.
I think we all ask the wrong questions at times. This is the question I want to ask everyday:
For today am I glorifying God?

www.jodylynne.blogspot.com

posted by Jody
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 10:19 am

A good verse to remember in any situation; wether you are married, single, or barren is: Philippians 4:11" Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."

posted by Debby
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 11:30 am

Dear Ladies,

You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for your comments.

Soli deo gloria!

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 12:13 pm

Hi Paula,

The verse that comes to my mind for you is Ps. 27:14, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." I believe that as you trust the Lord in this area, Paula, He will grant you peace and contentment as you serve Him. Cast your burden upon Him and He will sustain you! As you daily have a heart to serve Him and do His will, surely He will be faithful to guide you in the big as well as the little decisions, when the time is right. Just prepare as He seems to lead you, each day. I am amazed at how many times He's prepared me for things I didn't even know were coming! If He does have marriage for you, He will greatly desire to show you who that "right one" is (and will do it), as you are faithful to "Seek first the Kingdom"! (Mt. 6:33) I think I remember Elisabeth Elliot really being surrendered to the Lord in this area before she married Jim Elliot.

Spurgeon's devotional in "Faith's Checkbook" (Aug. 11) seemed to go along with this -- I'm including half of it here (due to length). Blessings to you abundantly!

Blessed posture! Waiting truly and only upon the LORD. Be this our condition all this day and every day. Waiting His leisure, waiting in His service, waiting in joyful expectation, waiting in prayer, and content. When the very soul thus waits, it is in the best and truest condition of a creature before his Creator, a servant before his Master, a child before his Father. We allow no dictation to God, nor complaining of Him; we will permit no petulance and no distrust. At the same time, we practice no running before the cloud and no seeking to others for aid: neither of these would be waiting upon God. God, and God alone, is the expectation of our hearts.

posted by Leslie S.
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Thank you for your very timely words of encouragement, Leslie. What a blessing you are!

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm

The question of if I'll be married in this life is one I deal with also. There are so many decisions that would be easier if we could see into the future and have that question answered. When I was in my twenties I listened to a series of teaching on Christian courtship. One thing that sunk deep into my heart is this: "You should be so about the Lord's business that He has to tap you on the shoulder twice before He gets your attention to tell you that He has marriage for you." That helps me as I make decisions- this life is not about marriage in a physical way but rather marriage to the Lord Jesus Christ. Something that has been on my heart lately (as I make yet another geographical relocation) is this question: Is He Lord of this moment? This gets me back on focus. Marriage? I want it... But if I'm not content with Jesus leading me while I'm single, it's doubtful that I'll accept His lordship were I to be married. Blessings on you as You seek His face!

posted by Betsy Garber
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I just finshed the book "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung and highly recommend it to those who struggle with God's will for them.
I agree with what the women shared with you. If you are in God's word and walking with Him, pray and do what glorifies God at the moment instead of being consumed about the future and what ifs. The same God that will equip you today will do the same for you in the future even if circumstances change.

posted by Debbie
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm

What about the hope of being married? I'm 44 and have never been married. Am I ever allowed to hold out hope or is that in opposition to saying that I trust in God's perfect plan for me?

I appreciate all the Godly wisdom that has been shared and the verses which "hit the nail on the head". But I am still an imperfect human and there are days when my desire to marry unfortunately trumps my joyful submission to God's will.

Just being honest.

posted by Jule
on Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 8:51 pm

I have a comment and a question. I too am single, never married, have no children and am 54 years old. I have always desired to be married and to have children since I was a young girl. When the Lord saved me at 28 years of age, I gave this desire to Him, waiting on Him to bring to pass the desire of my heart, because I wanted His chioce for me, not my own striving after someone just to be married. I have known, by the grace of God and the teaching of scripture, that marriage is the example of the union of Christ with the church and His sacrifice for her and her submission to Him. I have always felt that it is okay to cry out to God for the thing you truly long for when it is in keeping with Biblical principles. Did not Hannah cry out to the Lord for a son? One could say she also asked the wrong question: that she was not content (and she wasn't). I do not believe, however, that one should try to bring to pass the thing that they want by taking matters into their own hands instead of waiting on God. Look what happened to Abraham and Sarah when they didn't wait on the Lord for the son that was promised. Did not God ordain marriage? Did He not make woman to be a help meet for man? Doesn't scripture say that a man who finds a wife (I believe it means a Godly wife) finds a good thing? So if we desire to be married which is in keeping with God's principles, and we are seeking to be women after God's own heart, perhaps it is that we are just not ready yet and maybe the man is not ready yet for that Godly union which will bring Him glory and honor and be a magnificent example of His love and sacrifice to this world which so desperately needs to see the power and the faithfulness of Almighty God displayed through two people who geuinely love and adore God first and then each other. There needs to be more Christian marriages like this, and not the impassioned, lustful flesh satisfying unions which show no difference between us and the world, and end in divorce.
So was your question wrong Paula? If it is a stepping stone to see what is really in your heart, I don't think it was wrong. Maybe what you are really seeking to know is the true desire of your own heart that God has placed in you. If you really desire to be married then wait on Him for it. If you really desire to stay single then just keep serving Him in that state. If you are not sure keep asking Him to show you the desire of your heart, in keeping with His perfect will and plan for your life.
Now to my question to anyone who has Godly insight. Do you think it is right for Christians to be meeting and dating people from those Christian internet dating sites? I don't do as such, am not interested and think it can be somewhat dangerous. Was wondering what others thought. I'd appreciate any insight.

God's grace be multilpied to us all.

posted by Bernadette
on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 12:05 am

I have had to think about this blog and question for over 24 hours now in hopes I would be able to put my thoughts in to words that make sense and not cause others to stumble. (Here's hoping the grace of our great LORD covers any shifting stones!)

Thank you, Bernadette, for putting in to words so eloquently so many of my thoughts.

Over the years I have heard repeatedly that if I want to be married I need to be content with being single first - because after all we are supposed to be content regardless of our circumstances. While there is some well intended truth mixed in this statement I have come to believe it is wrong.

Paul said, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." It does not say he learned to not desire what he was missing! It says he was "at peace" or "fulfilled" in the midst of where he was. Even though he was HUNGRY he knew he could survive where he was because he could "do everything through Christ Who gives [him] strength".

That tells me it's okay for me to desire to be married. I should, as many have said, seek that my desires follow that of the LORD but when He doesn't shut that desire down I shouldn't try to squelch it either but to do as Hannah and Sarah did in taking my desire to Him and allowing Him to be JEHOVAH JIREH (my Provider) and trusting His gracious timing.

All this said does it mean those of us who desire to be married should alter our paths of life just in case? That is something to take before the LORD for every individual may have a different answer. I, for example, bought a house 3 years ago even though I believe someday the LORD will allow me to be married to the man He has chosen for me. Does that mean I will have extra baggage when the time comes? Perhaps, or it could mean my husband and I now have a nice rental property in which some extra income can be brought in.

Just my thoughts. I am so happy to serve a LORD Who specializes in details and individual stories! He is so amazing!

Not meaning to step on any toes ...
M

P.S. Aren't we are ALL called to be content (as Paul describes in Phillipians) whether single or married (happily or not so much)?

posted by Mandy Hoadley
on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 11:38 am

From my understanding, celibacy is a gift that is given to some people. When the disciples said "it is better not to marry", Jesus answered "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given... The one who can accept this should accept it." I think basically by default, God has marriage in mind for most people. But some are given the gift of celibacy so that they can serve God without the burden of marriage/parenthood. Paul spoke in 1 Corinthians about this. He said "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." I've been taught (and I believe rightly) that if you can be content to live your life without sex, you probably have the gift of celibacy. Those who choose not to marry may be tempted by lust, unless they have been given the ability to "control themselves" as Paul puts it. If our sexual desires are strong, we may be tempted towards immorality. Marriage gives us a use for our desires. In fact I believe one of the reasons God gave us strong sexual desires is to cause us to seek marriage. But if you have your desires under control and can live contently serving the Lord without those desires being fulfilled, it's quite possible you have the gift of celibacy. So I think you weren't necessarily asking the wrong question. I think every unmarried person (no matter what age or stage of life) should pray and search the Scriptures to discern if they have the gift of celibacy or not. God isn't going to speak from heaven and say "You have the gift of celibacy" or anything like that, but I believe it is possible to discern whether God is leading you in that direction or not.

posted by Amber B.
on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 3:53 pm

I think it is normal to ask the question about whether I will be married or single. When I have asked God, He does answer, yet as with most of our lives it is a walk of faith. Sometimes we just want "to know" what the future holds. It is no different if you are married or single. But it is our place to submit everything to our Faithful God!!
When I wonder, or become anxious, I need to go to God and remember that God is sovereign and He is good. So though I may not understand it all, the truth is that His sovereign goodness has placed me in this season right now. Sometimes being single can make us question God's goodness to us, but that was settled at the cross. Whether married or single we fight to believe God is good. I like what your friends said. We should pray for God's best and believe that if we are single it is God's best for us.

posted by Karen Kocuba
on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 4:06 pm

this was an interesting blog...I had never really thought about this before, so it got me thinking. After reading all the comments, I began thinking how true is what all you ladies were saying! "the world" tells us as little girls that we should start planning our weddings and looking for Mr. Right as soon as we can! But God's Word tells us that as little girls we should start seeking the Lord and looking for His presence in all we do, whether He keeps us in singleness or puts marriage in our lives as part of His plan for us. So as women our goal should be glorifying God (in whatever circumstance we're in) not trying to find a good man to marry! This is not to say that asking for a husband is something we should not ask the Lord for, if it is something we desire. (He knows what we're thinking anyway!) It just means that it shouldn't be our goal. So I don't think that Paula's question was wrong, it just shouldn't be her focus.

posted by Stephanie
on Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 6:49 am

"I shall be supplied with whatever I need; and, if I have not everything I desire, I may conclude it is either not fit for me or not good for me, or I shall have it in due time." Matthew Henry. From "A 30 Day Walk with God in the Psalms" by Nancy L. DeMoss

truewoman.com

posted by April
on Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 7:35 am

I, too, believe that your friends are right in this. I married comparatively late (I was past my 30th birthday, and nearly all my girlfriends got married in their early twenties). How I wish I had wasted my time so! I was afraid of commitments to study, relocate, etc. just in case Mr. Right would come by soon, and then I would be too tied up to follow him. Now I feel like I have squandered these precious years. Don't make my mistake! Do what God gives you to do. Experience His blessing and follow His lead. The rest will fall into place, I'm sure, whether marriage is in your future or not.

posted by Ilka
on Friday, August 14, 2009 at 10:07 pm

I don't think that asking this question is right or wrong....just human and very natural especially if you are in your late thirties, early forties and have not followed and completed the prescribed pattern of life by age thirty i.e. graduate high school, graduate from university, get a good job, get married and start a family. I don't know how old you are Paula but I am 39 years "young" :) and was quite content as a single christian in my twenties and early thirties, actively involved in my church and ministries until I moved back home to my country (I am from the caribbean and was living in the united States at age eighteen for about ten years) and in my parents house. I started experiencing the pressure of "getting married" particularly and mostly from my new church and other brothers and sisters in the Lord and not to mention the culture. This is soo unfortunate because no matter how mature and secure you are in the Lord, at times it can play on you emotionally. And it seems to get worse the older you get. I have been engaged twice and the last one most recently, and am still recovering from "a hope deferred" (book of Proverbs).
"He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I do have a desire to be married and at times really long for companionship especially now that all my friend are married and my mom (though her intentions are sincere and not harmfull) now wants grand-children (I'm an only child). However I do believe that continually re-directing my focus on the things of God and living a life that is pleasing to him and being in consistent communion with him will keep my heart and mind filled and content. I have to keep reminding myself that marriage does not complete me...Jesus does. He is the only one that will completely fill the deepest longings of my heart. Yet He has made us with a natural desire for human companionship. So until He fills that desire I have to make him enough for me...because He is.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Phil.4:6-7

Unfortunately today I believe that older single Christians have more challenges to face in their walk...from society and especially in the church. I have had people thinking something is wrong with me "why such a beautiful woman such as me is not married yet" or they question my sexual orientation. I don't know how many other persons experience this but it is quite prevalent in my culture especially since we are finding out that more and more single chirstians are struggling with this issue of sexual orientation.

So again I believe that asking this questions isn't right or wrong , just natural. I don't think however we should dwell on what the answer is or be consumed with it:

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end" Jer.29:11

"Trust in The Lord with all thine heart and lean not to thine own understanding, but in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths" Pr.3:5-6

God knows what is best for us and he will give it to us in due time.

posted by Sandy
on Monday, August 17, 2009 at 3:04 pm

I think that we should run as fast and as far as we can toward God and discovering His will for our lives. This will assure that "His best" for us will always be available...
However, asking questions like "Is it God's will for me to get married?" or "Do I have the gift of celibacy?" are honest questions that most single Christian men and woman ask. (I know I did though I had a hard time calling celibacy a “gift”… lol)
I believe that here is nothing wrong with these types of questions as long as they are asked in an open and honest have-your-way-with-me attitude toward God. In God's eyes we are always children and children ask a lot of questions...even silly ones.

posted by Jason Daniel Craft
on Monday, August 17, 2009 at 3:47 pm

I been asking this question whether I will get married or not to God. Few years ago my life became very complex and negative and I struggled with a lot of issues involving marriage. God took my troubles and educated and made me stronger so I can be the right person for marriage. I have learned what God wanted me to be like and his goals not mine or what others wanted. He answered a lot of deep questions I had about me, future, marriage, and more. I learned so much from him and it's amazing what he taught me. I realized that I need to "marry" God before marrying my husband and that God was preparing me to be a wife and mother. One time I came across a sign at a church that said, "Will you Marry Me? -God". I knew that God wanted me to get married to him because I kept coming similar message by him previous. I was very hesitant to say yes because I went through a lot of past pain involving death, school troubles, health issues, 9-11 attacks, and spiritually losing faith in God and felt so broken up. I felt like I couldn't trust God, but the day I drove by the church and saw the marriage proposal sign, I felt ready and said yes. Ever since then God has prevented me from getting hitched and everything. I knew he had a special person for me. If it wasn't for God I probably would have gotten married just because my friends are and would have been unhappy and maybe divorced. Thanks to God he spared me from making mistakes. I am still single and honestly watching my 20 something friends getting married and me till single is hard. I get a lot of pressures and questions from family, friends, and people that I know and some would speculate things that are hurtful and not true. I know that God has someone for me because I constantly was educated or told by God in his unique way that in my marriage there are three people my husband, God, and me. I think he also revealed as well the person I am suppose to be with and I have been for 3 years asking for God for this person to come into my life. I realized that he has his timing and that he's making sure I am fulfilling my education and career goals so I can be successful. God is watching my back. But lately I have been feeling up and down about being single. I am tired of worrying and I know that God has his timing but it's so hard to be patient and juggle rumors and questions from people. I know God my husband will come through because he and I made a promise or a covenant to each other when I was 12-13 to never date and be celibate and save myself for marriage. Today, I am 28 years of age and have not broken the promise. It's one of the hardest challenges to do, knowing I saw a lot of my peers dating, going to parties, and such, but I avoided that and stuck with God's plans. It's being single and waiting for God to bring Mr. Right, but it's worth it. I remember telling God when I was an undergraduate that I wanted to get married to God by 27 and I did by age 26 to him. God will fulfill all your desires if you just submit to him. He will take care of you and give you what he wants to you and believe me it's way better than your plans. :) Trust in God, Love God, Learn from God, Live for God. God Bless you all! :)

posted by Godsgirl
on Thursday, August 20, 2009 at 2:46 am

I recently just got out of an abusive alcholic 5yr relationship. Leaves me wondering if now is the time I just spend time with God, to help me through this period of time in my life. I always thought me and this man would be together for a life time and that he would change..but I was proved wrong. I'm 28 will I have 2nd chance at love the right way?? I'm leaving that in Gods hands to find the right person for me...

posted by LivZen
on Sunday, August 30, 2009 at 7:17 pm

Dear LivZen,

I think that’s an awesome idea to spend this time really getting to know the Lover of your soul and allowing Him to heal your hurts.

I’m proud of you for trusting Him with your future. You can trust Him—even with your love life!

Praying for you,

Paula

“O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me . . . Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:2, 5).

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Tuesday, September 1, 2009 at 5:01 pm

As an adult asking a serious question of a Christian friend, I would be annoyed to receive the response related in the story above - isn't this like the non-committal sort of answer a parent would give to fob off a pestering child? This is pretty much what happened to me when I asked "that question" in my very early twenties. I don't think they would have been so dismissive if I had been asking about career choices or further education. Funny that. The decision seek a spouse (or not) deserves the same kind of practical consideration as any other major life decision. Marriage should not be treated like a holy grail - some mystical and unattainable thing bestowed upon "the chosen ones". It should be prayerfully considered like any other important choice. Those who seek the counsel of older, wiser Christians should be treated respectfully. An honest "I don't know" is more helpful than some vague feel-good statement.

posted by Bonnie
on Monday, September 7, 2009 at 2:39 am

Hey Sandy,

I totally feel your pain - because I carry and share in it. Being an immigrant from Africa, I totally understand the looks, the questions of how come you are not married at this age. I am 39, all my childhood friends but 1 are married. My mom is almost 80, always talking about wanting to see her grandchildren before she dies.

I have been abstinent and saving myself as a promise to God. I have seen friends who get into all sorts of shady relationships with guys ( I do not mean to judge, just being honest) and end up getting married, starting families etc, and I sometimes just get so frustrated with the good girl image. I sometimes get mad at God, because his words say If idelight myself in him, He will give me the desires of my heart... I sometimes talk to him and remind him that this hope has been deferred so long, my heart is really weak now.

Right now, all I want to be is a wife and mother, serving God... I feel pulled away from God because of all of these, especially as I plan to go home for christmas, I am already apprehensive, and though I use the word (bible) and talk myself out of negative feelings, the feeling still comes back whenever I think of the trip ... like right now.

In my heart, I believe god has a man for me... I wish He would just hurry up and bring him - NOW! :-)

posted by Lillian
on Monday, September 7, 2009 at 12:01 pm

I agree with Lillian. I am 34 years old and I am in the same situation like her asking, begging and sometimes mad at God. The world is not bothered with good girl image rather it expects something else.

How long can I console my heart saying that God will give me the best. All I ask God is to give me a good and god fearing man whom I can love and get his love.
I don't do anything to satisfy my flesh, but I wonder why God makes me wait....
When its said that children are treasures of God, I want to have loving family with children and serve God.
Are my desires wrong? I ask this question to God everyday!

google

posted by Rebecca
on Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 12:06 am

Dear Rebecca (and Lillian),

You have been on my mind and in my prayers today. Although I haven't walked this journey as long as you have, I feel your pain. I don't have nice, neat answers for you. I have the same types of questions--"I'm doing my best to delight in You, God, so why are you keeping the one thing I want most from me?"

I know God doesn't lie. So I believe His promise in Psalm 37:4. At the same time, He doesn't ever promise to keep us from pain and heartache. In fact, He promises that we will experience it--just like every other human being--but that He will be with us in it (Ps. 23:4).

So we have this tension. In the midst of our pain, we know that He's the most generous Being we'll ever know. ALL good gifts come from HIM. We're not the only ones who have tasted suffering--we have a suffering God who has "borne our griefs and carried our sorrows" (Isaiah 53:4).

Bottom line: in the midst of our pain and unanswered questions, we must decide: Do I believe that I am good and God is not, or do I believe that God is good and I am not? If the latter is my answer, then I can trust His heart even when I don't understand His hand.

It's my prayer that in your anger, frustration, and confusion, you will run into the arms of the One who loves you more than you can dream, rather than resisting Him. I know it isn't easy, but I know that because of Christ, death always brings life.

With love and compassion,

paula

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Thursday, September 17, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Hope someone is still reading. I also felt for the ladies above because I've been there.

And.....I reckon that sometimes God wants us to remain single, and sometimes he doesn't.

However, and this is what I learnt, if you "force" God, you'll force a man too. If you love God, you'll love a man too.

Read Nancy's book on Biblical Womanhood. It was truly an eye opener.

posted by Judy
on Friday, January 15, 2010 at 10:47 am

Wow, is all I can say about all these comments. I feel the pain of each and every woman on here. I am 40 years old and I am coming out of a 22 year marriage that was very abusive. In the past months I have cried out to God, WHY? All I ever wanted was to be a mom and wife. I have never been like other women because God called me at an early age to serve him. My husband is an alcoholic and the devastation caused by him to me and my children almost crippled us.

I have asked a lot of questions and have gotten some answers but bottom line I have peace. The kind of person that I am, I long for what marriage represents because I undersatnd God's meaning of marriage. I am allowing God to heal me from my past and to make me into the woman that He designed me to be. Do I want the things that marriage offers? Only if God puts a man in my life that understands what marriage is according to God.

As I walk this path that I now am on I ask God to lead me everyday. I do date and am learning to have fun and in that I have had many occasions to minister to people. In our world today there is so much devestation from broken relationships.

I tell God the desires of my heart. I sit at his feet and I pour my heart out to Him. When I leave His presence His peace is like a robe surrounding me and I know that I am well loved. One day at a time and learning to serve Him where I am at, no matter the circumstances. That is what it is about.

posted by Paulette Barrett
on Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 10:21 am

I don't feel that it was the wrong question. I feel that we need to be real with God no matter what. I have asked that question before numerous of times as i watched friends get married while i was holding on and they were fornicating. I judged them and fell into fornication. The last time I fell into fornication, i was trully blessed with twin beautiful babies. Of course this is not the route to take, but God made me realize that I needed to sit down and place my attention on Him. So here I am again: waiting on God. Patiently this time. I am praying and am asking for prayers that I trully hold on this time. I have finally admitted and BELIEVE that in whatever state i am in to be content in it; with husband or not. As you know it is hard being physically alone, but to know that we are spiritually filled by our Father is the best state ever. We have love (the greatest), protection and anything we need in Him. Let us continue to remind each other of these things.

posted by Davida Stepney
on Monday, February 8, 2010 at 11:06 pm

Dear Davida,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and for committing to wait on God. We will most definitely pray that He will strengthen you to do just this.

In His presence is fullness of joy!

Love,

paula

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Praise God Davina. I understand, very much so. I have learned through the years to find a heart of gratitude, In this is much joy. God delights in our gratatitude. He will fill the voids as you truly trust in Him. Trust is a decided position on the heart. It is a decision we make. You must decide to trust Him. When we do, we will not be ashamed.

Paula MCKENZIE

posted by Paula MCKENZIE
on Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 11:37 pm

Question...
I am 33 and struggling with the same question... I know O have to trust God but I recently lost my grandma who raced me and she was my mom and dad, the rest of my family don't live in the area and my close friends have stopped talking to me about two weeks ago because of some rumor... So it feels so lonely at times and hurtful. I meet a guy online and I ended up caring for him because he helped me with encouragement and prayer while my grandma was sick with cancer... My illusive self ended up really caring ..loving him I think and it is obvious the man is not interested in me at all... I was so blind and now I see... It hurts.

posted by Tully
on Friday, February 12, 2010 at 6:38 pm

I am only twenty but I have been calling out to God for some direction regarding my future husband. I feel so lonely and truly think that I have a lot to offer...but I am not a beautiful girl on the outside so I'm forgotten a lot.

I've never had a boyfriend or been kissed, and all I want is for someone to choose me. I don't want to get married for a while but my heart is aching for love.

posted by Penelope
on Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 2:30 am

Dear Tully,

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandma. It sounds like circumstances have the potential to utterly overwhelm you right now. Random question...do you have a good church family?

Your email led me to pray Psaom 46 for you today:

Abba, help Tully experience You as her refuge and strength right now, a very present help in trouble. Because of her relationship with you, let her not fear--even when it seems that the earth beneath her is giving way.

Thank You that You are with Tully so she will not be moved. Thank You that You will help her when morning dawns. And it will. You are with her. You are her strong fortress. Help Tully be still today and know that You are God. Be exalted in her heart, mind, life, and world. Be with her. Be her fortress.

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 4:24 pm

Dear Penelope,

I am so sorry that you feel overlooked and flat-out lonely. I can relate.

Be assured that no man controls your future. God does. He knows what you’re going through, and He cares. Deeply. He wants to meet that deep love-ache in you.

I pray Psalm 90:14 for you—that God will satisfy you each morning with His unfailing love so that you will sing for joy and be glad all your days.

Sometimes I realize that what seems like a cruel joke on His part is really “a severe mercy.” He’s not giving me the one thing I want more than anything else because He wants me to have something/someone so much better. Only God can bring true, lasting joy. Our man-idols will only disappoint us. Run to God with your pain—to THIS MAN WHO HAS CHOSEN YOU!

“God chose you, Penelope, in him before the foundation of the world, that you should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined you for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed you in the Beloved. In Him you have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of your trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Eph. 1:4-7).

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 4:32 pm

I feel that God gives what you ask for . But i dont believe what you ask is trully what you needs.For example i'm 22 years old and i have always dreamed of having a perfect marriage. The type of life with the kids and nice house.But now i feel that my dreams is only a dream. Being in a relation now days is very harsh, it comes with cheating and lies "Is this the true way to love?" .If so ...I'm not the type of person that can deal ...so still i stay alone.

posted by Unique
on Wednesday, February 24, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Dear Unique,

Thanks for sharing your heart. I pray that God floods you with His love--love that is patient and kind. Love that doesn't envy or boast; that isn't arrogant or rude. This true love that doesn't insist on its own way; that isn't irritable or resentful; that doesn't rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Abba, wrap Your arms of love around Unique and let her see and feel Your love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Friday, March 5, 2010 at 10:23 am

Hi Again and sorry for the late response. truth is after my grandma passed all my friends and close "support system" left me, for different reasons. In a way I think God wanted me to depend more on Him and less on people. I am trying to achive my dreams and things are making more sense now, even tough I still find myself physically alone. I am still "church hopping" I joined a big local church but every time I register to for an event or group meting they dont call me back. I finally was accepted in a one day ministry overnight but I still dont really know anyone. My moms old church (she moved to another state) there is this lady the pastors wife who is very sweet and motherly to me, but I do not know if that chuch is for me, like i do not know if i will grow there... so no, I do not have a strong support body of christ system. I have the pastors wife and a life coach who is also christian and help me... I had another older lady who was christian but she is so busy to contact me. Also a girl I meet online because I was seeking christian friends, sometimes we encourage each other on the phone. I really hope when the time is right I meet the right person God designed for me and me for him... I just want to have my own family. Is all in his hands.

marialorddesigns.blogspot.com/

posted by tully
on Saturday, March 6, 2010 at 2:44 am

Dear Tully,

I pray that God leads you soon to a church where you can grow, and that you'll find a wise, godly woman to "do life" with you. Sounds like this pastor's wife might be just the woman.

Love,

paula

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 6:14 pm

I am a single mom, I've heard so many people say over the years that "you need to be happy with being single, God is your husband, etc etc". I'm sick of being single, for my son's entire life I've had to play the mom, dad, chef, maid, chauffer, and on and on. I spend 99% of my day in roles I am not supposed to be in, I am tired of trying to be a father and spending 50 hrs a week at work and then having my son get the "leftovers. My son cries himself to sleep because he wants his dad and there's nothing I can do about it. We pray, nothing changes. He's been hounding me to join eharmony because he wants a real dad, and is sick of having to be dragged along everywhere with me because he can't stay home by himself yet. I have no idea what it would be like to be in a mature relationship with a good strong christian man; I can count on one hand the number of dates I've been on in the past 10 years, and all of them were first-and-last/blind dates. there are a handful of men in my church in my age range (early 30's) and they are already married with kids, and of course no one knows anyone they could fix me up with. I just don't get the sense there is anyone out there for me, that my son and I are just baggage. I really feel that God is punishing me for having had a child out of wedlock 10 years ago, I've kept myself pure since then but I feel now like it's a case of too little/too late. Christian men seem to want true virgins, the typical proverbs 31 wife, etc. Not a 30-something woman that's already got a 10year old kid, it doesn't make a great first impression.

posted by Erica
on Friday, March 26, 2010 at 11:17 pm

two words... YOU CHOOSE

http://lindametzger.myarbonne.com

posted by Linda Metzger
on Thursday, June 10, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Paula,
I am guilty of asking the same question, and I shared your reaction to your friends' response to you.

I have been told that if God thought I needed a husband, I'd have one, which is kinda an offshoot of the response you got.

How great is it that God will give us the best wherever we are. That is so encouraging, and it challenges me to believe that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future :) Praise the Lord!

Thank you for sharing sister xoxo

posted by Amanda
on Saturday, January 8, 2011 at 3:31 pm

i'm 22 ive always felt the single life is right for me but i have a friend that despritly wants to find mr right and feels she has waited for god long enough she can't see or seem to except why/how i can posibaly want the single life she is has been my best friend for 13 years and its putting a strain on our relationship on top of that like others have said the social expectations of the modern age make it vary hard to make it as a single on ones own i'm a newer child in christ and am trying hard to grow in him for now i go to my parents church it is a good church the pastor is a realy good teacher and ive been trying to get conneced to others in the church but cant seem to find for lack of a better word a nitch i cant actively look for anther church i dont have a job or a car dont get me wrong i'm truely greatful to to be able to get to a church with a good pastor but my life is stuck in a rut surrounded by things that make me feel like i should be somewhere else

posted by erin
on Friday, February 25, 2011 at 12:58 am

Dear Erin,

According to Acts 17:26-27, you are exactly where God wants you! He has marked out the exact time in history you would be born, as well as exactly where you would live and go to church, so that you will seek Him and find Him!

"From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us."

It sounds like you have a great church! I'm at a season of life, too, where I don't have a "nitch"--there aren't others like me at the church, but that doesn't need to be a problem. We can be friends with people of all ages. In fact, I'm praying for some new friends for you who will encourage you to seek after God with everything you've got, rather than pining away for marriage.

You go, girl! Keep seeking Him--the only One who can satisfy the thirst in your life.

Love,

paula

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Wednesday, March 2, 2011 at 4:20 pm

I asked the same thing at 20-27. 20 years later now at 40yrs old, I realize the question was really whether or not I trusted God and to what degree I trust Him? And the answer depends on me, not Him. His answer is steadfast, mine shifts. The more I try to influence the script of my life instead of allowing Jesus to be the author of my life, the more error margin there is. And more doubt fills my life. It truly is correlational.

Standfast Dearheart, the fact that you are seeking this answer, is a step in His direction :)

PS - Take it from a person who learned the hard way that settling for 2nd best, robbed me from God's 1st best for a long time.

posted by Journey
on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 1:13 am

Erica,
God is not punishing you for having a child out of wedlock, He has already forgiven you, but there are still consequences to sin and you are suffering those consequences. All that you are going through unfortunately is the consequences to your sin. God hasn't given up on you yet and He can get you through these hard times if you let Him. You can still be a Proverbs 31 woman, it will just be harder, but not impossible. Galatians 6:9, "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up". Continue to be faithful and leave your life and your son's life in His hands and he will take care of you. If God loves your son more than you do and desires his best and still hasn't provided a father for Him, it could be that a father isn't what he needs. I am a tesimony of that. I was adopted and I prayed daily for a father and I cried many nights about it. God changed my heart and showed me that I already had one in Him. I hope I can encourage you to stop trying to do everything and just leave it in God's hands; stop praying for what you want and start praying for what he wants in your life. Keep being a great Mom and continue to trust in God ;)

posted by Denise Ramos
on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 12:12 am

God gives us free will in regard to being married or unmarried. The bible does outline blessings and consequences for both. The decision is yours to make, God just prepares us no matter what we decide. Faith without words is dead. Read 1 Cor 7: 26-35, 39-40. There is no such thing as the gift of celibacy, hence God giving us our sexual desires. It is detrimental to not know the truth, therefore it is important to seek counsel from a minister or a pastor as this issue as well. Use God's vessels. The Lord tells us that "...those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you of this."1 Cor 7:28

posted by Kristina
on Monday, April 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Paula,

I want to first thank you for your honesty regarding the place where you are in your life currently. It's a natural thing to ponder over your future, especially when you are conscious of making the right choices in your life.
Regarding whether or not you're asking the right questions about marriage, from what the scripture says in Matthew 6, we are supposed to focus on life on a day by day basis, not in a reckless sense where we live loosely, but in the sense that life does not become burdensome to us because we're worrying so much about what tomorrow will bring. We also must always keep in mind that there is a divine order and process for all of our lives that was preordained long before we came into being. What I mean specifically is that there are certain steps that we have to take before we are qualified to transition into the next phase of our lives. For instance if you just consider the cycle of life it helps to simplify what seems to be so complex. We begin our lives as infants, then children, adolescents then adults. In every stage you're required to grow to a certain level of maturity and are supposed to obtain certain skills so that you can easily transition into the next stage. This process is usually accepted and well understood until we get to the adult stage because we often subconsciously think that being an adult doesn't require much more growth as does being a child transitioning into adulthood. However it's quite the opposite. A majority of our lives is spent in the adult years which means that this is the stage where the most growth is supposed to take place. With that being said, the point where we transition into the marriage stage is soley dependent on how much growth has taken place; and this has no numeric value attached to it in terms of age. Growth is determined by God because He can see whether or not we actually ready to become ONE FLESH with another being.
So my advice would be to just continue on the path of self improvement and remember to enjoy every stage of your life and when the time is right you will naturally transition into the next stage of your life.

God Bless!

posted by Deborah
on Monday, May 23, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I think many would be best served by reading Triplett Gillis's website and search under " Is it God's will for me to be married?" or the "gift" of singleness. He hits it on the head and with proper Scriptural reference.

posted by nick wadson
on Tuesday, June 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I love this topic! I'm 46 and I'm divorced. I have been for 15 years Most of it was trying to cure being single and it has gotton me in so many tight situations. Hurt that I never had to have in my life. I started asking God what He wanted and started wanting to please Him and my prepective changed! I know that He will not keep any good thing from me! I think it's our right to ask God whatever we want to ask Him... He is Abba, Father. We must understand that He understands our desires, but we have to love and obey Him still..until our change or tranformation comes. The word says that... "God will supply all of our needs according to His riches and Glory". I don't think we should give up on asking or praying for our desires of our heart because God put thoses desire there and its shows faith to continue to pray and ask. I do think we need to position ourselves for the Will of God and fall in love with that. First knowing and trusting like Adam did. Gods plan was for him to have Eve and she was within him all that time. The word says that God looked at Adam and saw it was not good for man to be alone.. and based on that need that he saw (and already had plans for) He then brought forth Eve.. It was time and, in Gods own wisdom and timing Adam got want he needed and desired.. Daddy God had it all worked out. I don't see anywhere written Adam asking for a wife not one time. I just see him trusting God walking, in the cool of the day, getting to know the Creator being established, having time with God. I like to think of it as this.. My son use to come, in after school and ask what was for dinner and he would continue to do so until I told him my plans for the meal. He would walk past the kitchen with frustration not saying anything, but he was checking to see what I was up to. I knew i needed to hurry because my baby was hungry and each time he would peep in I would feel the pressure...smile... Then after he would see and hear the pots and smell the food he would come, in with the biggest smile, and ask.. "Mom is it almost ready?" I think not asking God and praying is part of not having because we don't ask.. (It's a faith issue). The word says we should ask.. come and reason with the Lord. It's called realationship and intamcy, it builds trust. That's the key... trust that you will smell whats cooking soon and with this go and prepare yourself for the meal to come! Wash your hands, loose some weight, work out, go the movies, go and buy the house of your dreams, beautify yourself, read and study, take a class knowing that the meal will be served soon.. I dont think Paula asked God the wrong question.. Married people always say things like that... They are married! I think a even better question to ask is what will you have me to do while I wait? How should I wait? I know you are going to do it because you put this in me Lord!

I have a little something I have been saying lately... "God has a funny way of getting us what we want hidden inside of that need.. Everything you ever wanted is in what you really need.. Trust God with expectation and anticipation! He is moved by our faith in Him. When Adam was ready and he had done all the work that he needed (naming animals and so on, talking and walking with God) He gave him Eve.

posted by Tressa
on Friday, December 14, 2012 at 8:57 pm

i am a straight man that has the same problem that many of you women do, i can't seem to find a good woman out there anymore. i was married myself for almost fifteen years, and i was a very caring and loving husband and never mistreated her at all. she was the one that cheated on me, and this hurt me very much. now going out is very hard for me, since i seem to meet so many very nasty women now. i am in my late fifties, and this does make it much more harder for me. age should not matter, but with so many women that are so very difficult to start a normal conversation with, it makes it worse for me. finding love again after a divorce is certainly the hardest thing, especially for me. with the help of GOD, i certainly would love to have a love life again instead of being alone. being alone is very bad for me now, since many of my friends were VERY FORTUNATE to have met the love of their life and have a family. i would have loved very much myself, to have a family too. now i go out every single night just not to be home by myself, since i have no one to stay home too. the men and women that have met one another and have a family, should really go to CHURCH to pray and thank GOD very much for having each other. loneliness is without a doubt very sad for people like us, especially for the holidays. now i just go out and hope for the best, PEACE.

posted by Mark
on Monday, December 24, 2012 at 11:03 am

@Mark...God bless you this day. I know Christmas can be very lonely as the world celebrates and you are alone. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you have faced and the heartache because of someone else's poor choices. Be assured that we have prayed for you today. We have asked the Heavenly Father to fill the empty places of your heart and give you peace. As you go to church for the services tonight, let your mind dwell on the Savior and the sacrifice He made for the salvation of your soul. I pray you can find the abundance in life (John 10:10) that He offers, even in the midst of your circumstances. Merry Christmas to you--only because of the Savior can I say that to you. I pray He will meet your heart needs this very day.

posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
on Monday, December 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I am glad that you posed this question & shared in a blog post, because I have began asking the same question. I empathize with everyone who commented, and can relate to the experiences of many of those who commented. I am a single mother with a teenage child. I have never been married. I made the choice to live holy approximately 10 years ago, & have been abstaining for as long. The first 2 years of my abstinence were a breeze; it didn't bother me much because I knew God had someone for me, & I honest didn't think it would take as long for us to be connected. I reasoned that God waited on me for 7 years to commit my life to Him, so I could certainly wait for him to allow my path to connect with my future spouse--I never imagined that this wait would endure for a decade. I am young, beautiful, wise, educated, & kind-hearted. Similar to the comments of others, people wonder what's wrong with me since I'm not married. Many people think I'm stupid to abstain for this long & expect to be married. Many people think I'm not married because I refuse to have sex before I'm married. Mosst days I am at peace with my singleness, but I definitely have my seasons (they may be short lived) where I am frustrated about being single~ In that "season" is where I find myself today, which is how I found this blog post. Honestly, it is very disheartening to me that there or so many singles struggling with this same issue: To be married is a good thing, especially when we want to use our marriage to glorify God. Why is it that all of these single women are waiting to be connected with good God fearing men, & those men are having a difficult time finding these women? I don't understand it, but please believe if the Lord reveals it to me I will share in a book (for our edification of course, LOL).

This blog was not the only site I found on this topic today. Some of the stuff I found I refuse to believe given the way that I have come to know the Lord. For instance, I refuse to believe that the Lord would not respond to our question of whether it fulfills his purpose for us to be married or remain single. Of course he isn't obliged to answer that, or any question we ask, but I CANNOT belive that if we keep casting this care upon Him, He will not respond. Obviously it is my desire to be married, but I don't want to fool myself and continue to believe for something that is not going to happen for me. Thus, I ask, am I to be married or to be single? It will hurt a bit if He were to reveal to me that part of His purpose for my life is to be single, but at least then I can begin to accept that and pray for peace on the matter.

Summarily, I don't believe there is anything wrong with asking this question AND I believe God will answer. I pray that the Lord will bless us all with strength & peace, as well as the spouses we are seeking him for.

posted by Purposed
on Monday, January 7, 2013 at 11:31 am

I just read this blog post that responds to this question: Humorous & relevant. Here is the link ~ http://www.gillistriplett.com/rel101/articles/will.html

posted by Purposed
on Monday, January 7, 2013 at 1:25 pm

i am a straight man that certainly just had to make a comment on this topic, and i was married myself at one time and was a very caring and loving husband that was very committed to her as well. she cheated on me after being married for 15 years, and we did certainly have many wonderful times together. i really have to say that i do miss the times we were together, and we did go to many different places and had a lot of fun too. now alone and single is no fun at all, especially that most of my friends are settled sown with their own life. i feel as if God is punishing me, and i don't even know why. many women nowadays are so very mean and nasty to talk too, and just think that they are all that. they are really such losers for acting the way that they do, and that certainly makes it so much more difficult meeting a good one now. i can't blame myself at all, since most of the women now have changed for the worse. we need the women like June Cleaver and Donna Reed again since most of them back then were very committed to their men, and accepted them for who they really were. and they didn't have to be rich either, since most of the women today are looking for a man with a very large bank account. i hope that God will bless me to find a good woman, and i hope that he will bless many of the women that are looking for a love life as well. PEACE, and good luck.

posted by Beatriz Schmitz Fernandes
on Monday, June 3, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Dear Friends in Jesus Christ,
I was in one 'real' marriage, to someone who cheated with my best friend, my neighbor, my co-workers. In the end, she moved in with one boyfriend and we divorced. She was the only intimate one in my life.

And, I asked God for a 'godly loyal, thankful, happy young wife' on a Christmas Eve. That night at the candlelight service, she was there, His answer. God had done 'miracle answers' to her prayers too.

For five years, I waited for her to write one card or love letter, or just talk with me. She told me 5 years later 'YES' for marriage, but talked with 'everyone in the church' about us, but not me.

I felt I loved her deeply, but as I had been with one 'cheating spouse' who would not keep her 'body' for only me in marriage, now I was loving a girl who could not keep her 'communication with me' but only with everyone.

Going abroad, I was tortured and turned into a slave by those of that nasty country. I fell like David. Then I heard, SHE had waited for me for over 7 more years to marry me. She again never wrote, just told EVERYONE she waited for me.

Now, I've been back for 2 years, struggling to find HIS career, and longing to love and be loved in CHrist with HIS wife for me. I love Katie, but how could forgiveness and reconciliation to 'have a communication relationship' be?

WHAT is my heart, broken, spirit too...and I enjoy HIS correction. My chief desire is CHRIST and HIS WORD living in through me. I'll go 'anywhere' and marry (a continual desire after MANY fasts), His girl.

By CHrist, faithfulness is not just not touching others, but letting God touch one another in all our daily work, play and building UP together.

Where is the ONE God has for me, that I might live CHRIST to love, cherrish, protect and be protected by, and in turn, glorify GOd in our peaceful home? Oh, how I long to be like George of 'its a wonderful life', and have a GOD pleasing living sacrifice marriage with His girl; and prepare together for our eternal marriage with our Master, Jesus our bridegroom.

posted by timoothy david zickafoos
on Saturday, June 22, 2013 at 4:37 pm

@Timothy...God bless you for your heart to serve Christ and love Him supremely. We are sorry to hear of the difficult years you have endured. I wish I could say that we could indeed help, but as trite as it sounds, the old song says it best--"We don't know what the future holds, but we know the One who holds the future." So, this we do for you--we take your situation before the Lord and ask Him to speak words of grace and peace over you and do just as He promised in His Word, give wisdom to you for your help (James 1:5). May you know the joy of the abundant life found in Christ (John 10:10).

We encourage you to continue to serve Christ. Our prayer is that your pastor or a wise older man in your church will walk alongside you, pray for you and with you, and give you wise counsel. Blessings in Christ.

posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
on Monday, June 24, 2013 at 2:20 pm

The call to singleness is a false doctrine from the pit of hell! God stated, it's not good for man to be alone. He also stated a man may leave his mother and father so they may become one flesh. He also said, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing." Marriage is God's creation. Some people believe the apostle Paul was called to singleness. He wasn't! If you read carefully, you'll learn Paul stayed single because of HIS OWN conviction. It wasn't conviction from God. God also gave you free will. If you marry, God will not hold it against you! It's a personal choice! If anyone tells you otherwise, they are either ignorant of the facts or trying to impose their choices on you. If you choose a spouse then choose carefully. It's a lifelong commitment. The "call to singleness" isn't of God. It's a false doctrine preached by man. The call to singleness DOES not exist and NEVER has. I prayed over this issue in the past, read my bible to research this, and have total peace in my heart about posting this. (Corrected version)

posted by THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE
on Monday, August 5, 2013 at 12:21 am

My posting comes from a very grieved heart. I truly believe if God calls you to singleness, you will not have an insatiable desire to be married. I agree with the previous posting, it is NOT good for man to be alone. The woman was created by God to be a helpmate. I am 44 years old and have never been married, and no, contrary to popular belief, there is nothing 'wrong' with me. I love the Lord with all of my heart. I was raised in a traditional Christian family, have traditional values and truly long for a Godly husband. I have a decent job and have always been relativley attractive (and no, I'm not overweight or bald either!). I have always yearned for a husband and a family. For the past 10 years I have stood in front of the mirror asking myself why I haven't been chosen....is it this, or that (fill in the blank the crucial flaw that no one seems to be able to live with.) Why do the 'wrong' men pursue me (as I do not pursue men based on my traditional values, I am just the responder, not the initiator).... I find rest only in the fact that Jesus chose me before the beginning of time. Marriage is the only relationship God created to reflect Christ's relationship with the church...it's all in His Word. The bible says that a hope unfullfilled makes the heart sick (Psalms 13:12). My heart aches over children I will never know...no Christmas morning, no hunting Easter eggs. It's heart wrenching at best. I have watched all of my girlfriend's get married and start families along with my brother who has 3 children. I have wondered many times what other's think of me. The response that I haven't met the right person gets really old. On the other side, it's painful hearing others say 'Well, maybe God wants you to be single'. I refuse to claim these words as God does not place desires in our heart to go unfullfilled. I don't have the answer, but in my sadness, I know that God is good, because His Word says so. And this is what keeps me going.

posted by Christi
on Tuesday, September 3, 2013 at 5:05 pm

@Christi...Thank you for your post. I know there isn't anything we can say that will bring you comfort, for we haven't walked in your shoes. I wish the Lord, I pray the Lord, will answer the desires of your heart and make it possible for you to marry. Though we don't have words, we do have the privilege to take you to the throne of grace where all of us find help for unfulfilled longings in many areas of life. And that I have done. My heart truly is saddened when I read your post, Christi, reading the heartache in it, knowing how it hurts to have unfulfilled longings in any area of life; how I pray the Lord will hear and answer. And I know He does: "LORD, hear my voice when I call; be gracious to me and answer me." (Psalm 27:7)

I thought of this section of Nancy’s series on "Seven Secrets for Singles" that I pray will minister to your heart and encourage you this night. She has shared some of your thoughts.

“And I want to share with you several choices that I have made over the years--not perfectly, not flawlessly but choices that, as I look back over these years and twenty-some years as a single adult, choices that have really stood me in good stead and that are reaping great blessings and freedom in my life today.

The first choice is that I choose to receive my singleness as a gift from God. That's a choice I
make to receive my singleness as a gift from God, to thank Him for that gift and not to demand
that He give me the gift of marriage.

I love that response that the Virgin Mary had in Luke, chapter 1 when the angel came to her and said to this young teenage girl who was engaged to be married, "You're going to have a baby and Joseph is not the father. God is the Father. "And you can just imagine how Mary's world just went into a whirlwind at that point. But I love her response in Luke chapter 1, verse 38. She said, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

You know, that is a great answer for every circumstance that God brings into our lives. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be unto me as you have said." "Lord, I receive Your decision for my life. I receive this gift for my life. I'm not going to resent it. I'm not going to demand that You give me a different gift."

Now singleness as a gift may or may not be for a lifetime. I don't know if I will be single for all
of my life. God hasn't revealed that to me. He probably hasn't revealed it you. But the neat thing is that I don't have to know. What I do need to know is that He's made me single today and my focus is on pleasing Him today.

Now, that doesn't mean that if I choose to receive my singleness as a gift from God, that I won't have unfulfilled longings. And can I say that it's okay to have unfulfilled longings? Can I also say that everyone has them? Every person has deep, inner longings that cannot be filled here on this earth--that cannot be filled by any created thing.

There are times, when as singles, those unfulfilled longings particularly surface. I can remember not too long ago going to the wedding of the 20-year-old son of some of my peers. And I went to this wedding. It was a sweet, young couple and a really precious wedding. I sat there in that service so thrilled for them. But it was just one of those moments when it hits you, I'm probably never going to be married. And there was a moment of sadness for me. I was thrilled for them. But there were tears. It was a moment of experiencing unfulfilled longings. But in the midst of that, I can still thank God and surrender to Him afresh realizing that this unfulfilled longing is material for sacrifice. It gives me something to offer God that costs me something. And with that moment of teariness, that moment of longing, comes an opportunity for a fresh surrender, a fresh chance to say, "God, I trust You."

So first, I choose to receive my singleness as a gift from God, to thank Him for it and not to
demand that He give me the gift of marriage--remembering that marriage is not a requirement
for my present happiness or fulfillment. And if I make marriage the ultimate goal in my life, do you know what marriage will then become? An idol. An idol. Anything I demand that God give me becomes an idol in my life. So, I choose to receive my singleness, to thank God for it and not to demand, in an idolatrous way, that He give me the gift of marriage even while I may still have those unfulfilled longings.

And then, number two. I choose to pursue intimacy with God and to allow Him to fulfill my
deepest needs. I choose to pursue intimacy with God. God made us for intimacy and the tendency of singles is to feel that if we don't have a mate then we can't experience intimacy. But the fact is that God made us to have the most intimate possible relationship in our spirit with Him.

So this says that I'm making a choice not just to drift in my spiritual life but to make a conscious, deliberate, intentional effort to be spiritually growing and not pining away as one woman wrote and said to me. "We, as singles, should not pine away but take every opportunity to get to know our Lord. Pining just wastes our time and makes us miserable." She said, "My desire and my goal is to focus on Him and His Word." And she said, "I am renewing my commitment to Scripture memory and meditation."

One of the choices I have made over the years is to make a conscious, deliberate effort to get to know God, to pursue intimacy with Him and to allow Him to meet the deepest needs of my heart. I do that by taking advantage of the means of grace that God has provided for all His children-- the Word of God--reading it, studying it, memorizing it, meditating on it, teaching it, sharing it. But not just the Word of God, the Spirit of God--letting Him fill me. Prayer--taking my requests before God. Praise and worship and fasting are means of grace in my life.

Fellowship within the Body of Christ. I take advantage of all these means that God has provided--the Lord's Supper and communion is a means of grace that God has provided to help us grow in our faith. And as I pursue intimacy with God, I want to focus on God's ability to meet the deepest needs of my heart.

Don't you love that passage in Psalms, chapter 62, verse 5 where the psalmist says to his soul
(he talks to his own soul) and he says, "My soul, wait thou only upon God. Wait upon God for my expectation is from Him." That suggests to me that the psalmist is saying, "The end of my search, the end of my pursuit is God Himself."

One other site that you might appreciate is a blog by a single gal found here: http://matthiasmedia.com/briefing/2013/08/satans-lies-about-singleness/. She talks about many of the same things you did.

Know my thoughts and prayers are with you tonight, Christi.

posted by Sarah, with the TW Team
on Saturday, September 7, 2013 at 8:37 pm

To Christi, i certainly will agree with you on that as a man that is trying to find love myself. makes me really wonder why is God punishing us men and women like this?, and what in the world did we ever do wrong for this to happen to us? it certainly hurts me very much to see so many men and women that have been blessed by God to have met one another and have a family just like we would had wanted too. if this was God's intention for us to be alone, he shouldn't have made us born in the first place since we hate so much not having a love life. i am an average size good looking man that is not over weight either, and have so much trouble meeting a good woman to share my life with. it is just too bad that we weren't born many years sooner like our parents and grandparents were, then we would had been married with a family today ourselves. if you have the time try to google the longest living married couple that are amazingly still together today. i believe that you and me will eventually meet the right person for us someday, and we will really find the love that we are looking for. Peace.

posted by Paul
on Thursday, September 12, 2013 at 10:01 pm

So, what I learned from these responses are:
1) If God doesn't want me to get married, feeling lonely and unhappy, it's what God wants, I can do nothing about it, I should just accept the destiny and wept alone for the rest of my life.
2) If I'm not married, I just have to live with the fact that God wants me suffer, because He didn't give me the desires of my heart, while the fact is, He's The One who gives this desire.
3) God is unfair.

posted by Teo
on Monday, April 14, 2014 at 1:31 am

Dear Teo,

I was convicted this morning by the story of Jesus' entry into Jerusalem on a donkey. People cheered and wanted to make Him their king because they thought He was there to rescue them from Rome's tyranny. But five days later they wanted to crucify Him because it turned out Jesus wasn't a political Savior; He was a personal Savior.

Pastor Trent Griffith said this yesterday:

"Jesus is worthy of all of our praise and all of our stuff. Not because he makes our life easier. But because he makes our righteousness possible."

It's easy for me to think that singleness is my enemy, but that's not true. Deliverance from sin--not singleness--is my greatest need. And God has already covered it through Christ's sacrifice on my behalf!

Praying for you now,

paula

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Monday, April 14, 2014 at 9:39 am

No, i don't agree. When are you getting married?

posted by rd
on Tuesday, June 10, 2014 at 10:38 pm

Lord, do you want me to post something here? Just happened to come to your web site via Charisma. Read most of the comments and to tell you the truth, Bernadette's post back in 2009 describes me now. I am 54 years old, never been married and at 28 I decided to let the Lord choose my husband as well. Most of what I've read here is what I have gone through as a single woman. Do I still want marriage? Yes, that desire is still there. Will that husband come? Yes, I believe he will in God's timing. Do I have the gift of celibacy? No, I don't believe I do because the desire to marry is still there.

What am I learning as I wait on Him? Lots! :-). What He has been teaching me is patience and contentment in all circumstances in this single season that I am in. The verse in Ps. 139 is so true, He does know our days long before we were even born! He also knows the end from the beginning! This single season has taught and continues to teach me to lean on Him with everything in my life and go to Him in prayer with all things. At times, yes, I would love to have someone beside me that I can talk to and lean on for support but I am learning to go to Him and you know what? He is there! :-) There are times too, that I wonder if I should go on the online dating sites, but just as I think on it, I know the answer for me is a no. What does He give me in times like these? More of His Grace! His Grace is soo sufficient in these times, too!

What else has He taught me? Back in my 30's I wondered if I would marry at all and I read a book on courtship and saw that is what I wanted as well. Today, what is His Best for me? I now know what I would like in my husband and what I would like in our marriage. I thought I knew what kind of man I wanted back then, but the list I had back then has changed and He is teaching me too what kind of marriage He has for us through His Word and through others with their own marriages.

The biggest thing that He has taught me as I wait on Him is unconditional love. That is what holds a marriage together. I saw it in action with my parent's marriage. In this world we live in, love is conditional. But God's love for us in unconditional and in relationships with others, as I am learning, our love for each other and/or our 'future mates' should be unconditional just like it says in 1Cor. chapter 13. It doesn't use the word, 'unconditional' when it speaks about what love is, but for me, that is the kind of love this chapter describes.

To love unconditionally you have to be willing to forgive each other, too. Forgiving is the hard part, but it is a process, too. It gets easier to forgive as you continue to forgive. it doesn't mean you are a doormat, because God gives you the strength to love unconditionally as you step out and walk in that kind of love. Hmmm, hope I didn't step on any toes here about unconditional love, but that is what He has been teaching me in these past few years. For me, that is the His Best for me, giving and receiving unconditional love from my 'future' mate and/or from others. Lord, I pray that what I have placed here is an encouragement to others. If any bad memories come up Lord, I ask you for healing in those areas, in Jesus' name, amen.

In answer to your question Paula, I think it is ok to ask those questions because it makes us dig deeper in our walk with Him. I thank you for this post, the replies have encouraged me and makes me know that others are out there too, walking the same walk! :-)

posted by Maria
on Sunday, September 21, 2014 at 7:23 am

Dear Maria,

Thank you for taking the time to post here. Your comment blessed me.

Praying for you now,

paula

posted by Paula Hendricks
on Monday, September 22, 2014 at 1:38 pm

I disagree.
I don't understand why I have a strong desire to be married and have a family if my own. Maybe it's because of how broken my family is. I didn't recieve a lot of physical and mental care from my parents. I get it, they didn't have those things growing up so they couldn't give them to me, but at the same time I feel unwanted and unloved.They were great providers of material things but so many other things that they lacked and now being single 24 and a college student on my own, it gets a little boring. I try to be happy and make my friends happy and do things for others like giving unmarked gifts to surprise people and let them know they are loved and cared for. My friends tell me over and over how loved I am and that they are glad I am in their life, but I don't believe it. I don't feel I am a good friend. I feel all I am worth of is a guy from the past who I know "loves" me and wants me. I just am not reassured that God wants what's best for me.

My friends believe this guys likes me because he's always opening and holding the door open when class is over, but I just believe he's a nice guy,which he is. He does other things like waits for me when I am packing away my things in class and walks and talks to me. I wish I would have never realized any of those things he has done. I like him, but I don't believe he likes me. He is just nice.
I would rather be with the guy of the past even if he treats me like crap than like someone who may not like me back.

posted by Simone
on Tuesday, December 9, 2014 at 9:24 am

Simone,
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with believing that God loves you and has His best for you at the center of His heart and plan for your life, Simone! We often compare God’s love to the love we have experienced from family and that often times skews the way we view God. Mary Kassian did an excellent series on Revive Our Hearts about this. Would you take the time to listen and pray through what Mary shares?

You can find it here: http://tinyurl.com/qbyxfpz.

The love - the deepest love that your heart desires, Simone, will only be found in Christ. No man will ever be able to meet your deep heart needs and desires. I encourage you to spend time in God’s Word as you try to reign in your emotions to bring them in line with Scripture. You might also check out Jeremiah Canfield’s blog on what kind of guy to date. You can find it here:

I’m praying for you, Simone. Surround yourself with people who love Jesus and will pray for you, encourage you and keep you pointed to God’s best for your life.

Serving Him,
Lorree

posted by Lorree, with the TW Team
on Thursday, December 11, 2014 at 4:19 pm

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