'Portraits of Perseverance' is an on-going multimedia community project that follows the lives of Malaysian women who persevere in the face of chronic illnesses, disabilities and transgender discrimination. It consists of blogs, video journals and TV documentaries. The first project (2011 to 2012) tells the stories of Lucy, Nisha, Pong and Sulastri. The second project in 2013 brings you Pong’s rehabilitation journey.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

Miracles do Happen

My darling who is the reason behind the founding of eHomemakers

I didn’t believe in miracles untill 14 years ago when I had a life changing experience that led me to set up eHomemakers. Every time I was down or at wit’s end on how to move forward, something unusual but positive did happen unexpectedly. My friends told me they are called ‘miracles’.

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"Krishen will remain a hero for generations to come."

The night before the closing deadline of the Krishen Jit Astro Award 2010, my daughter, Big R, and I were watching TV when we chanced upon the announcement on an Astro channel. “Hey, you should try to apply this to do drama for your English Club,” I suggested to Big R.

“We will see,’ said the teenager, using the kind of 'I don’t think you know better than me’ tone, the kind that only a mother gets when she tells her teenage daughter not to be involved with a certain guy.

Something must have happened

while I was sleeping……. The next morning, I jumped up from my sleep

at 7.30 am and announced to myself, “I’m going to fill in the application by the 12 pm deadline!” The five tasks which I was supposed to do for eHomemakers that day were shelved.

"I will work on them this Saturday," this is how I manage unusual tasks that pop up during the weekday -- by denying myself another weekend to relax!

I wrote the application in four hours. It seemed so natural to want to do what I planned to do for so long! It was amazing that everything I wanted to write was already in my brain!

Have I been wanting for this for a long time ( it is just that I never voice it out loud)?

I related my morning activity to a friend, ” I don’t think I would get any award, but there is no harm trying!” This is the story of my life in the last 14 years– no harm trying something that I’ve never done before—I have an affiliation to risk-taking after becoming a single mom.

Although I have thought about doing film when I retire from actively running eHomemakers, I haven’t figured out how to move towards the dream. All I have ever done was to attend a film-making class more than 12 years ago and then a scriptwriting class more than 11 years ago. The Australian trainer of the scriptwriting class threw my script onto the floor and told me to go home when I couldn’t act out those crying, yelling, dancing stuff (which were supposed to be the trendy enlightened path to creative writing) in her class. At that time, I was recovering from a huge heart break. Discouraged by the very male type of aggressive rejection, I locked the script away and never looked at it again. (It is sill in a drawer somewhere in the house.....)

But I continued to write provocative stories in my weekly column in a newspaper.

And I never mentioned my dream of wanting to be a documentary film producer or director to anyone.

Two years after the episode, I wrote in my column about the incident that discouraged me from learning how to write a script, the Aussie ( whom I never named in the column) actually emailed me and gave me several ‘F’ words in her curses of my Chinese ancestors! Amazing!!

By then, I was already used to nasty comments from column readers who were against my viewpoints. But somehow, the Aussie's aggressive and nasty comments had become my mental barrier to script write even though in later years, I was presented with the opportunity many times.

What is wrong with me?

I asked myself many times. I lost confidence in script writing from one rejection!

Why have I made her so important in my life-- someone I had met only once?

?????????

The four-hour of writing the application of the Krishen Jit Astro Award did get rid of the pent up energy in my brain. I shelved my budding dream away after that. In my self talk that night just before I fell to sleep, I said to myself, “I won’t get it. I don’t know anyone in the film industry. They won’t trust me with the project.”

Weeks later, a call came in from the Five Arts Center, Marion D’ Cruz from the Award committee, told me I was one of four recipients. “How many people will you bring to the press conference?” she asked.

Marion D’ Cruz from the KJA Award committee

Dumb founded, I said, “just me, alone.”﻿

Walking from my house under an umbrella in the morning of the award day, I had no make-up, no hair-do – the kind of image stuff I am supposed to do when I am attending a media event. My mind was full of the hundred and one things I had to do for the office. I didn’t realize how important the event was to my own hidden dream till the MC announced Krishen Jit’s dream aloud. My mind suddenly felt heavy.

A few reporters gave me their cards. “Let me know when you have major activity for your project!” were the words.

I was still in a daze when someone called my name, ’Ching Ching, do you remember me? I am XYZ’s sister!”

HUH!!!! HUH!!!!

XYZ was the person who was one of the root causes of my transformation 14 years ago. Since then, It has been a long journey for me from being a shadow to the woman I am today. I have wanted to thank her one day for doing what she did but I don’t know where to find her.

There was her sister, sitting across the table, smiling at me.

The past flooded through my mind— the trigger that occured 14 years ago which led to many changes in my life. The pains, the loneliness, the fears and the shock -– they seemed so near that I could still feel them. Wasn’t it not long ago that I felt paralyzed by life’s happenings?

But, within moments, my mind exclaimed silently and excitedly to myself, “Wow! Holy cow, I am meeting her sister here! I haven't seen her and her family for over 14 years!”

Then, a voice boomed, “If you need any assistance, call us at the Five Arts Center, we are committed to help you achieve your dream. “ It was from the guy who was sitting beside me. He was from the Center.