Day 189 - Unintended Breath Departure

Or UBD for short, is basically when I have forgotten about my breath as I move into mind. This happens a lot, and most would say it's normal, "we all do it," or "it's human nature." Maybe so. I'm done with the preprogramed life style. Tired of the cycles of thoughts and reactions. So, to be practical about this, I must walk it all out point by point.

I'm going to focus on the most significant point I dug up the past two days. Yesterday, I sadly noticed how I've been walking process through this confirmation orientation. Very related to my externalized self-definition system, I've been kind of walking my process from the perspective of others. Now, this isn't super new. I realized it in Day 179 and several other days. The reason I say "sadly," and in general have self-frustration toward this topic of Not walking process for self, is because I've realized this before and even written SF on the point. This also came up the past two days: becoming angry at self for not succeeding in pattern-system removal on the first try.

This, and many other points related to resistance and internal self-definitions/relationships are still in the works. I've been in a routine of just writing about whatever comes up, the problem with that being how I've just been skimming the surface, delaying the self-honest self-forgiveness as I give into the resistance feelings and run to a more comfortable state of being. So with a breath and a new perspective, I write from me to me for me. Enjoy the read.

[Note: I am expanding the process of organizing these timely points in my side journal, so I do not get overwhelmed (fear of lostness) by them, and will have a plan for writing myself to freedom, one point at a time.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write for validation, placing my self-definition externally, as I write for approval and only through feedback do I see myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see myself for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instantly doubt myself, finding that I only trust what I can see of myself in others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself. ...Long pause here, as I go into all kinds of alterations and thinking that I should change the title so it'd be more relevant to this topic. Ahhh, it's so cool how I see myself not trusting myself while this aspect just intensifies, and I breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can trust myself. Also funny that while writing about this one point, I am having many UBD's as I get side-tracked by my thoughts. Ahaha, now it's relevant again, and it stays :)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow prolonged UBD's, forgetting to breathe and focus. And within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry at myself and fear not being able to regain control of my directed attention, not realizing self is just a breath away.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take a breath before every statement of forgiveness.
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When and as I see myself writing in a flow where I have forgotten about me, here, within and as my breathing application, I stop I breathe. I realize that to start from breath is a point of stability. I commit myself to breathe through my self-forgiveness.

When and as I see myself within self-doubt thought from over-analyzing my words, trying to consider multiple others' potential perspectives, I stop I breathe. I realize that this is a very habitually ingrained thought-behavior. I commit myself to not get discouraged when and as I see myself anxoius with potential judgment.

When and as I see myself within a UBD for any length of time, I stop I breathe. And from this breath, I make a decision to refocus on the initial task, or an agreement to go with the departure and return to the initial task in a reasonable amount of time.

When and as I see myself doubting that I can trust myself within my writing application, I stop I breathe. I realize I am always only a breath away from me, here. I commit myself to keep breathing. I commit myself to breathe when I am overwhelmed with thought.