Milwaukee’s Killer Local Ads

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So I’m going HAM on a bowl of Chunky Soup yesterday afternoon catching some of FX’s fine Sunday afternoon programming (apparently THEY HAVE THE MOVIES!). In between the nail biter that is Armageddon I noticed, closer than before, the cluster fuck that is the Greater Milwaukee area’s local ad game. Having only lived in two major metropolitan areas I can’t really compare it to the rest of the nation, but I’d wager that it’s got to be some of the worst. Dollar General production value out the ass. Dialogue so bad my only thought is that it was written by a family of illiterate possums. Debt relief and personal injury attorneys on their high horses all in your grill every time you turn around. And the jingles. Holy jebus, the jingles. I’d say it might be the finest collection of song writing since Boz Scaggs’ Greatest Hits Live.

Somehow though, no matter how painfully awful the local television commercials are I can’t classify myself as a hater for one simple reason. The characters featured in these commercials are just too priceless. Day after day they take on the heavy burden of rewriting the commercial playbook. Some might call them renaissance men. For, year after year they create horrible commercials and shove them right up the pee holes of big corporate advertising gurus. Fuck you and your edgy commercials with great acting, clever slogans and trendy content. Here’s a home video of me screaming at a tub of Margarine, put that 30 second spot right in between episodes of Teen Wolf on MTV.

Best part is, these guys must either A) have fantastic senses of humor or B) are major Jews on the advertising budget or C) they honestly think their commercials are great. Those are the only options I can think of at this point. I mean I guess they kind of succeeded in getting me to talk about their ads, but I’ve got to think being featured on a world renowned virtually unknown blog about shitty local commercials isn’t exactly what they were aiming for when they started rolling the cameras. Too late for that. Smile! You’re on candid camera The Off Duty Mime! Seriously, though. Fucking smile, Peter Francis Geraci. I can see right through that tough guy front you put up.

Here are some Milwaukee area faves. I don’t recommend watching them all at once, might end up choke slamming your computer into a shed.

Woodman’s

Philly ‘Cheese Steak’ Woodman has been moistening undercarriages in Wisconsin for years. Some call him the grandfather of swag. Ay ca rumba your belt is close to your nipples!

Lenz Trucks

Hey do you guys have any trucks?

Attorney Paul Strouse

Sadly Pauly’s commercial isn’t on the internet. Here’s his picture though, and if you think his hair is baller wait until you see his 30 second spot.

Hupy & Abraham, S.C.

Hupy and/or Abraham must have mad Hollywood connecs because these dudes one up’ed the local ad scene with their nonchalant placement of Billiam Shatner in every single commercial they have. Can’t knock em for that I guess they mean business.

Burghardt Sporting Goods

You know what? Not sure what ‘beat’ means but if it has anything to do with prices this commercial is a huge lie. Went there and they wanted 60 bucks for a pair of Russell athletic shorts. No, their prices are very reasonable.

Green and Gold Zone

THAT’S how you do a commercial. Should I hire some actors? Nah, fuck it. I’ll have my lame ass daughter do it instead.

Peter Francis Geraci

Folks from Illinois, Indiana and Wisconsin alike can all unite together in a collective “eat a dick, dude” any time this jokester’s ad comes on. Apparently he’s super successful or something. Duller than fuck, but somehow successful.

Hopefully that trip down local advertising lane gave you all a little slice of what we’re working with here in the great state of Wisconsin. Pretty neat stuff, huh? Any more awesome and I think my head might explode. One more shout out to Phil Woodman. Phil, if you’re reading this I’d love to be in your pussy slaying entourage. Please. I’m begging you Phil. I wanna party with you!