I am the founder and CEO of GirlQuake and the author of the Forbes book “Their Roaring Thirties: Brutally Honest Career Talk From Women Who Beat The Youth Trap.” I was at start-up, speed-up and stay #1 companies in both digital and traditional media, and the executive producer of the inaugural Forbes Women’s Summit. I serve on the boards of female-led organizations and I’m on numerous “people to watch” lists including 21 Leaders For The 21st Century and 40 Women To Watch Over 40. To learn more about me, follow me @deniserestauri.

Why Do Leaders Screw Up? They Ask The Wrong Questions

When I was in my 30s, I was Vice President of Sales at USA Today, working with a consultant who told me that leaders screw up by asking the wrong questions. She taught me to ask ‘how’ versus ‘why’ questions. She said ‘why’ puts people on the defensive, but ‘how’ opens the door to finding solutions. Put another way – if you want a different answer, ask a different question .

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I’m talking with Rumeet Billan, a 31-year-old about her TEDx talk on the importance of asking the right questions. Rumeet was given the privilege and the gift of education and she wants to continue to give that gift though the work that she does. Notice I didn’t say she’s a social entrepreneur, educator, PhD candidate, teacher, or named one of Canada’s Most Powerful Women. Those are her titles and what she does, not who she is. And that leads to the first question that Rumeet taught me, it’s about asking who versus what:

Not “What do you want to do?” but “Who do you want to be?”

When we were young we were asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” We applied to college, worked endless hours and networked with those who we thought would help us get there. We charted our career path working towards that position or that title of what we wanted to be. It’s usually how we introduce ourselves or it’s what we talk about when we meet someone for the first time. When we grow up, we replace “What do you want to be?” with “What do you do?” It’s how we define ourselves and it’s how we let others define us as well. I’d suggest that we have been – and still are – asking the wrong questions.

What we want to be puts a label on us. We have a tendency to want to label experiences and people with common words that attempt to describe and define. We want to categorize and put people and experiences in a neat little box so that we can understand them. Perhaps we define a person based on their position title — they are a doctor, lawyer, teacher, artist. Similarly, we have a tendency to label ourselves and we let others define us accordingly. But this isn’t who we are.

When we consider who we want to be, that is a matter of identity, impact and legacy.

It’s one thing to say, I want to be a humanitarian, and as noble as that concept may seem,it’s another to say, I want to save lives of those who have been affected by disasters. What we do is meant to be a vehicle for the impact that we want to have, not meant to define who we are.

When we attempt to label ourselves based on a position title, we can limit what we believe we are capable of doing and being. When we attempt to label others based on what their profession is, what their business card says, or what they look like, we are limiting not only ourselves, but we are also limiting what we believe the other is capable of doing and being.

Ask A How Question

In the social entrepreneurship class that I teach in the Department of Liberal Studies at Humber College, I put up a slide at the beginning of class of a young man who is in a wheelchair receiving assistance with an ATM machine. I ask my students, “Can he drive a car on his own?” With a show of hands, about 90% of my students will say “no.” I move on to the lecture and before the break, I put up the exact same slide, and this time I include the word how in front of the question. My students are put into groups of four and asked to answer the following question, “How can he drive a car on his own?” After five minutes they share their answers and it is phenomenal to hear what they come up with. Their answers range from technological advances to applying solutions that they have seen work in different industries, and every group has some sort of solution – some have three or four. My point in sharing this story and in doing this exercise is that an hour before them getting into their groups they had made a decision that this individual could not drive a car on his own. It was an automatic “no” and they didn’t ask about it further. By changing the question, and simply adding the word how to the beginning of the question, the same students who said no were the ones coming up with solutions on how it could be possible. We were limiting an individual’s capabilities because of our own perceptions based on what we saw and how the question was structured. Once we reframed the question, and simply added a word, we began to come up with solutions.

Empathy seeks shared meaning and plays a crucial role in how we perceive each other and how we interact with one another. To be an empathetic leader, it is important to use the reference points of the other in an attempt to understand their experience and perspective. Far too often we are using our own reference points to understand what another is feeling or experiencing – this is natural. However, no two people will interpret the exact same experience in the exact same way. We have our own perceptions based on our past experience that influence how we see and experience our reality and what we believe can and is possible. Based on limited information, we also have preconceived notions of what we believe another is capable of doing and being. We trust our mental models and our past experiences that determine our beliefs and behaviors which can not only limit ourselves, but it can limit meaningful interactions we can have with others. By demonstrating empathy, and by removing our pre-conceived notions, we attempt to emotionally involve ourselves in another’s experience. That’s empathy.

Once we reframe our biases, we begin to remove the limits that we have created for ourselves and the limits that we are putting on others.

Not “Can you do it?” but “How will you do it?”

When we consider the impact that we want to have, it’s there where we find out who we are and who it is that we strive to be. When you think about the vehicle that will get you there and what you want to achieve, the question is never “Can I do this?” The question is always “How will I do this?” We shift the way we think about solutions and possibilities when we come from a place of how instead of whether we can or cannot. By reframing the question and reframing the boxes and labels that we use to define ourselves and others, we also change the way we view possibility.

Post Your Comment

Post Your Reply

Forbes writers have the ability to call out member comments they find particularly interesting. Called-out comments are highlighted across the Forbes network. You'll be notified if your comment is called out.