Tag Archives: Quotes

The following words were offered by Alan Alda in 2001, at the graduation of a friend’s daughter. Alda was referring to a piece written by a Chicago newspaper columnist named Mary Schmich, which was virally circulated on the Internet but erroneously attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.

And that’s what makes this Internet event a great image for the age in which we live. There are probably just as many lies going around now as ever before, but these days they’re traveling at the speed of light. There are just as many people who want to fool you into thinking they’ve got it all figured out for you, but now you don’t have nearly as much time to think it over.

And with the help of an engine for repetition that works on a scale unheard of in the past, the lies stick. People are still sending around the talk, thinking it was written by Vonnegut. I was sent a copy just last week.

It’s a delightful piece of writing. But if it’s presented as if it were by someone other than the person who wrote it, it steals that person’s good name and gives itself a certain credibility before it has a chance to earn it honestly. So, as good as it is, it’s a cheat. At least in the way it’s offered to us.

So, you may be thinking, big deal. It’s just a few good jokes. But think about it… It could be selling you anything. It could be a cult religion that could separate you from friends and family, or a quack medicine that could lead you paralyzed, or bogus political information that cause you to elect a numbskull to the presidency.

God forbid.¹

These are great words with regards to the internet and its impact on the dissemination of information – both genuine and bogus – but eerily prescient in view of the political developments of recent years. For what it’s worth, the entire book is a wonderful, human, and relevant read.

“How did you get 105% on your final?”
“Oh, my teacher gives us extra credit if we follow her on instagram.”

(Note: “extra credit” reminds me of the story about the OB/GYN who got tired of the rat race and decided to change careers, so he went to auto mechanic school. The final exam involved taking an engine apart and putting it back together again. After the end of the course he received his grades in the mail and was surprised to find out that he had been awarded 250 points out of a possible 200. Not displeased but curious, he called his professor and asked why he had given such a high grade. The instructor responded, “Well, I gave you 100 points for taking the engine apart correctly and 100 points for putting it back together correctly, but I had to give you an extra 50 points for doing it all through the tailpipe!”)

“I mean, she just seems like such a good person to date; she’s not an alcoholic, she’s bnot severely mentally ill, she has a cool dog…”

“What’s the first thing you look for in a girl?”
“Less than 900 followers on Instagram.”

Male Flight Attendant: “Does anyone have a Galaxy Note 7? Bueller? OK good, because the only thing flaming on this plane is going to be me.”

“Sometimes I think I want to have a baby and then I just think I am not even responsible enough for white jeans.”

Nurse: “What is your occupation?”ER Patient: “I’m an actor, dancer, model, and stylist but right now I work at Chipotle.”

“I wanted to do something cultural, so I took him to the Getty and he actually touched a **** painting. He was like, ‘Is this real?‘ Alarms went off, security came to us, I was so embarrassed. He’s from Florida, so it was his first time at a museum.

“Can we break up somewhere else? This is my favorite Whole Foods.”

“Of Course LA is a tough place to live. It’s a city full of people who were too good for their own hometowns.”

“We had to fire the nanny… my husband found her on an escort site.”
“Why was he looking up escorts?”

“Dating in LA is mostly just explaining your tattoo meanings and food allergies to each other like ‘Hi, I’m gluten intolerant and this is the Japanese word for abundance…’ And that happens on a loop until we all decide to just move back in with our parents.”

Babysitter: “What do you dream about at night?”7-Year-Old: “I don’t dream, I only have nightmares about this economy.”

“I buy myself an extravagant five every month when I get my period to remind myself what I’d be giving up if I ever got pregnant.”

“Your son is adorable, how old is he?”
“Oh no, we don’t do age… We are all infinite beings walking on this Earth.”

“My therapist told me I have to read a book called ‘Codependent No More.’ Will you go with me to buy it at the bookstore?”

“I had one line.”
“Wait we talking about coke or acting?”

“You know how I’m getting my period? Getting acne on my face and when I was watching the Tour de France this morning I had to fight the urge to cry at the people running beside the bikers motivating them.”

Judge: “State your profession.”Potential Juror: “Spiritual advisor. And to clarify, I already know too much about the case to serve as an impartial juror because I’m a clairvoyant.”

Girl to Stranger in tight parking space: “my God how did you park in that spot? That’s amazing! What’s your birthday?”
“Uh, September 22nd.”
“Libra! Yes! Make sense.”

“I took like a five hour nap today.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s just called sleeping.”

“Sorry, I’m late. There was so much traffic… Also, I left the time we were supposed to meet.”

Girl: “Aren’t you gonna take a picture of our food?”Guy: “I don’t do that anymore.”Girl: “I’m so proud of you babe.”

Son: “I’m going to go to the pier, get a guitar, take my shirt off and play for people.”Dad: “yeah, don’t be that guy.”

“Like, it used to be people wouldn’t approach you in bars. Now they won’t even approach you online. The entire species of humans will only be continued by high school sweethearts in the Midwest.”

Customer: “remember that used to be a medium popcorn size?”Arclight Employee: “just like there used to be a middle class.”

Yoga Teacher coughing: “Sorry to disrupt our meditation but I have a Chia seed stuck in my throat.”

Drunk Woman: “What meat alternatives do you have?”Cashier: “Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

“Oh my God he’s Facetiming me. What do I do?!”
“ANSWER IT.”
“I CANT. He hasn’t seen me without a Snapchat filter yet…”

Guy at the LA Pride March:“If Hillary was president we would be at brunch.”

“You moan more eating this ice cream than you do when we have sex.”
(Guy to Girlfriend)

“He needs to readjust his priorities. He takes two days to respond but two seconds to come.”

Girl to Homeless Guy:
“Hey, can I run into McDonald’s and get you a burger?”
“Um… I’m actually a vegetarian, just get me some large fries, an iced tea and an apple pie instead.”

“I’m over all this hippie health ****. If I order a sweet crêpe, I want a sweet crêpe. Show me chocolate. Don’t give me apples and tell me it’s dessert. I know **** apples.”

“In LA we wait for everything. Wait on the freeway, wait for men, waiting for our careers to happen.”

“I swear there’s a neighborhood in LA for every stage in your life. Like, when I’m ready to settle down, I’ll just move to Pasadena.”

*baby hysterically crying*Random Woman: Is she a Taurus?”

“I didn’t appreciate middle school while I was in it. Being skinny for no reason and having a Bar Mitzvah to go to every weekend. Those were the days.”

“The East Coast takes Adderall like the West Coast takes xanax.”

“Roses die, tacos don’t.”

“In LA, weekends begin on Thursday.”

“It’s like hot yoga outside.”

“Should I get a French Bulldog or a Chanel purse? Because they pretty much cost the same.”

“The 110 is like the 10’s **** little brother.”
What about the 405?”
“The 405 is the 110 and 10’s drunk uncle you constantly avoid because you don’t know what he’s capable of.”

“OMG mom I’m totally fine, I’m only 34. When I’m ready to settle for being housewife I’ll drive down to Orange County and swipe for a day, but until then I know what I signed up for by dating in Los Angeles.”

Customer: Do you have any bars?”Barista: “Uh … Like Xanax?”Customer: “No, like granola bars.”

Sausage Production for the VW Cafeteria, Wolfsburg, 25 January 1973. Found at /r/historyporn

Otto von Bismarck once said, “Whoever loves the law and sausages should never watch either being made.” Wait, no he didn’t. The original quote is “Laws, like sausages, cease to inspire respect in proportion as we know how they are made,” and is attributed to John Godfrey Saxe,University Chronicle. University of Michigan (27 March 1869)

Everett Dirksen probably never said “A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon it adds up to real money.”

Bill Cosby never wrote the “I’m 73 and I’m Tired” article. He even wrote a rebuttal on his website.

Winston Churchill is reputed to have said, “You make a living by what you get; you make a life by what you give.” According to The Churchill Centre And Museum at the War Rooms London, what Churchill actually said in Scotland, 1908, is:

“What is the use of living, if it be not to strive for noble causes and to make this muddled world a better place for those who will live in it after we are gone? How else can we put ourselves in harmonious relation with the great verities and consolations of the infinite and the eternal? And I avow my faith that we are marching towards better days. Humanity will not be cast down. We are going on swinging bravely forward along the grand high road and already behind the distant mountains is the promise of the sun.”

And that’s a much better quote, really, than the original.

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” is often attributed to economist Milton Friedman, who used it as the title of a 1975 book. However, sci-fi buffs will recognize TANSTAAFL (“There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch”) from Heinlein’s 1966 novel, “The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress,” and a still earlier occurrence appears in the title of a 1949 book by Pierre Dos Utt, “Tanstaafl: A Plan for a New Economic World Order.” [1]
Most of us will remember the party game called “Telephone” or “Chinese Whispers,” depending on which part of the world you live in. People sit in a circle and the first person whispers a message into the ear of the next person. Repetition is not allowed, and the second person must pass the message on. The result is usually incomprehensible or hilarious – “I love Marty Blotz” can come out the other end as “Boiled aardvark kidneys are tasty.”

It used to be that the power of the press belonged to the person that owned one. (There’s another quote for which it’s difficult to pin down the original source, or if it was even said.) With the internet being available to much of the world’s population, anyone can publish anything with or without attribution, which is why so many things get forwarded, re-forwarded, massaged, edited, re-worked, and falsely attributed these days. One of my friends is struggling with countering their 9-year-old’s assertion that “if you see it on the internet, it has to be true,” and in my experience there are reams of adults who apparently believe the same thing, based on the kinds of things I see on Facebook or my inbox.

The Internet is fertile ground for the proliferation of misquotes. Pithy quotes find their way into Facebook profiles and Twitter posts, where they multiply across the Web unencumbered by citations and original context. With online sharing an elaborate, electronic game of telephone, genuine quotes get warped in the retelling, leaving end-readers with misquoted material void of context. Surprisingly, the media is often just as guilty as the average Web user.

I highly recommend this article if you care about your sources – the end of the article gives some excellent ways of verifying whether a quote has been properly attributed or not.

Even if you care, it’s possible to make mistakes – as a famous statesman once pointed out,