Tools and their uses

Drill press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock from your hand so that it smacks you in the chest which causes you to fling your beer across the room splattering it all over that freshly varnished piece of heirloom furniture that you are drying.

Wire wheel: Removes paint from bolts and then throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also useful for removing fingerprints and hard earned guitar playing calluses.

Electric drill: Normally used to spin pop-rivets in their holes till you die of old age.

Circular saw: Portable tool used to make boards too short.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads, Sometimes used in the forming of blood blisters.

Belt sander: An electric tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hack saw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence it, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vice grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Table saw: A large stationary power tool used for launching wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic floor jack: Used for lowering your car to the ground after installing new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Eight foot long pine 2 X 4: Used for levering your car up off a hydraulic jack handle.

Tweezers: Used for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

Radial arm saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used in most shops to scare neophytes into another line of work.

2 ton engine hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 X 24 inch screwdriver: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip opposite the handle.

Aviation metal snips: See hacksaw.

Phillips screwdriver: Normally used for opening old style oil cans. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Can also be used to convert slotted screws into non-removable screws.

Hammer: Originally used as an implement of war, hammers are nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

Hose cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Pry bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surroundong that clip or bracket you were removing to replace that 50 cent part.