Business

SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering a new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers’ transition from iced to hot beverages.

CINCINNATI—Her face turning a deep shade of red as she realized that everyone around the conference table had seen it, Tampax CEO Daphne Simmons reportedly burst into tears and ran out of the boardroom Friday after a tampon fell out of her briefcase.

Saying that the rising price of the commodity has begun to “burn their gumlines,” millions of American lunatics admitted this week that they have been struggling to afford adequate amounts of car meat. Full article.

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

BOSTON—Saying he had no idea how someone like his supervisor got the job in the first place, local marketing strategist Michael Perkins told reporters Monday that he could run the company into the ground way better than his boss.

CHICAGO—Rambling to no one in particular as he paced back and forth across his office, wild-eyed Sears CEO Eddie Lampert was reportedly convinced Thursday that he had found the flannel pajama pants that will turn everything around.

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In an effort to keep its women employees fully engaged at their jobs, Google announced Friday the launch of a new company-wide program that would give all female staff members one free day each week to work on lawsuits.

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Hoping to capture the “unique essence” of its discount retail stores for online customers, T.J. Maxx unveiled a new website Wednesday that recreates its in-person shopping experience with a selection of miscellaneous products haphazardly strewn everywhere.

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Offering immediate, over-the-counter relief to anyone suffering from a sudden misalignment of the four temperaments, Tylenol released its new black bile gel caps on Tuesday for people with unbalanced humors.

WASHINGTON—Claiming it is more prevalent than lifting, repetitive-motion, and machine injuries combined, a new report from the Department of Labor released Tuesday found that excitedly bounding into the office remains the leading cause of workplace injuries.

LACONIA, NH—Deciding that enough time had passed since sending her previous unanswered query, local woman Enid Calhoun reportedly sat down at her computer Thursday under the impression that a third desperate, unsolicited email to a tenuous business contact should do the trick.

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL—In an effort to provide customers with the most affordable and convenient sexually explicit entertainment, Redbox on Friday debuted a new touchscreen on the back side of the automated kiosk for renting pornographic features.

FORT WORTH, TX—In an effort to provide the most luxurious experience to their most preferred clientele, American Airlines announced Wednesday that they had installed two-way mirrors in their Admirals Club lounges so that members could enjoy the misery of the passengers in the gate waiting area.

WASHINGTON—In a sobering new report that lays bare a hard truth about today’s economy, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed Monday that many Americans have no choice but to make ends meet by getting up and going to work every day.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, one of the most powerful businessmen on the Prime Material Plane, recently granted himself powers normally available only to deities and demigods.

Among the most striking increases were a +2 raise in dexterity to 18, and an overwhelming charisma increase to an above-human score of 20, placing Gates in the realm of deities and demigods.

"I am pleased to announce that I have boosted my already impressive statistics," Gates said in a statement to shareholders Monday. "As we develop the technological framework that will dominate the 21st century, these augmentations--and others to follow--will be powerful wards against competition from the likes of Netscape, Oracle and Melkor who is named Morgoth."

"Microsoft is the software-industry leader today, and tomorrow it will also dominate the realm of information access, as well as the content being accessed," Gates said. "The continued growth of our Corbis Media archive, the successful development and launch of MSNBC, and my mastery of the shield spells of the Elven King Lagolin are only the beginning for Microsoft."

Gates, who raised his intelligence to 20 in 1990, is fast becoming the most powerful CEO in American media. Experts place him above Fox's Rupert Murdoch and Disney's Michael Eisner, both of whom hold over 1.2 million hit points. Gates is also rumored to be in possession of a bag of holding containing one terabyte of information, as well as over 100 billion gold and silver pieces.

Analysts see Monday's statistical boost as extremely beneficial to Gates in an increasingly competitive marketplace.

"This is a very shrewd move on Gates' part," PC Magazine columnist John C. Dvorak said. "His vastly increased charisma--the prime stat of a chaotic evil executive--will help him tremendously in his ongoing struggle to convince skeptical Microsoft stockholders that his ventures into television and his massive content-buying spree will pay off in the long run. The extra CHR will also assist him greatly in dealing with wary CEOs of companies he wishes to invest in and cast spells over, like Comcast."

"It hardly seems fair, but he will now be capable of near-invisibility in behind-the-scenes business dealings," Dvorak added, referring to the stealth augment which comes with a dexterity gain. "And at the same time, he'll wear Mordekainen's Spectacles of True Sight, which provide +6 insight gains into long-term Windows marketing strategies."

Bill Gates' revised character sheet.

While few question the wisdom behind Gates' stat increases, there remains a possibility that the Federal Trade Commission, which in 1996 ruled his licensing agreement with computer manufacturers to be in violation of anti-trust laws, will challenge the move. Even if the FTC rules against Gates, however, industry analysts believe that he should easily recover, thanks to his above-average 15 constitution.

Gates' rivals expressed frustration over his ability to achieve invulnerability in a supposedly competitive market. "Combining this augmentation with last month's purchase of the Polo Shirt of Thalkettoth, which grants a +5 saving throw against anti-trust litigation, Gates should now be seen as operating outside the law," Apple CEO Dr. Gilbert Amelio said Tuesday. "One more sorcerous potion of Gain Market Share, and we might as well declare bankruptcy."

"Anyone can be a Santa Claus DM and give out unearned stats," Oracle president Larry Ellison said. "I'm surprised he didn't just go ahead and give himself a 20 in everything."

With overpowering statistics in all six ability categories, with the exception of strength, Gates is widely considered to be primed for the Kingship.

"Certainly his campaign could be crushed if he made a mistake," ABC computer correspondent Geena Smith said. "But let's be realistic. He's got 40 million experience points dating back to when he dropped out of Harvard. His party has done nothing but kill and acquire for 22 years. He knows when to cast versus when to hack-and-slash. He will be the emperor lich of 21st century media."

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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In an effort to keep its women employees fully engaged at their jobs, Google announced Friday the launch of a new company-wide program that would give all female staff members one free day each week to work on lawsuits.

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Hoping to capture the “unique essence” of its discount retail stores for online customers, T.J. Maxx unveiled a new website Wednesday that recreates its in-person shopping experience with a selection of miscellaneous products haphazardly strewn everywhere.

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Offering immediate, over-the-counter relief to anyone suffering from a sudden misalignment of the four temperaments, Tylenol released its new black bile gel caps on Tuesday for people with unbalanced humors.