Ranking the NFL cities 1 to 32 (which is Las Vegas)

With the NFL schedule set to be released this month, you may be one of the thousands of fans eager to plan a road trip. Here are the best places to go and the ones to avoid. Rankings are based on beauty, walkability (that’s a word, right?), climate, cuisine, culture and friendliness (I’m looking at you, Philly).

1. New Orleans. Every other American city is your repressed parents. New Orleans is your overweight, fun uncle who has an eyepatch and a fanboat.

2. Seattle. You'll be fine with SPF 2.

3. Miami. Like a crazy girlfriend. She's hot and a lot of fun, but you're always worried about getting burned.

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4. San Francisco. Your barista’s name probably is Rain or Island. Or Thorn.

5. Los Angeles. Idea for a sitcom episode: Longtime NFL bachelor city that's struck out at finding a team suddenly realizes it has landed two at the same time! Can it juggle both? Will they find out about each other? Watch as the hijinks ensue!

9. Baltimore. They'll tell you their favorite regional dish is crab cakes. But it's really something called scrapple, which the rest of the country pronounces, "crap."

10. Boston. If you're so tough, why are all the men wearing jewelry?

11. Pittsburgh. It has a long-running rivalry with Cleveland, which tells you all you need to know about Pittsburgh.

12. Denver: Here's your five-day forecast:

Tuesday: 99 degrees

Wednesday: blizzard

Thursday: widespread flooding

Friday: damaging hail

Saturday: looks nice

13. Green Bay. Most difficult decision in a Green Bay resident's life: When Packers home opener and start of white-tail season fall on the same day. (Alternate: Green Bay grooms get married in camouflage hunting gear. But in their defense, it's their nicest pair of camouflage hunting gear.)

14. Phoenix. A trip in late fall or winter is like a vacation. A trip any earlier is like visiting the sun.

15. New York. I've heard good things.

16. Charlotte: Did you know that prior to the California Gold Rush the United States' leading producer of gold was Charlotte? I learned that after Googling, "tell me something -- anything -- interesting about Charlotte."

17. Philadelphia. In Philadelphia "water" is pronounced "wooder" and "you" is "youse guys." The local river, the Schuylkill, is pronounced "Krzyzewski"

18. Nashville. In 2013, The New York Times dubbed Nashville a new "it" city but may have accidentally deleted two letters.

19. Cincinnati. No thanks.

20. Indianapolis: You squint your eyes, furrow your brow and want to say you've been there but you're not sure. It has a Steak ‘n Shake, right?

21. Kansas City. The city that ruined your colon.

22. Tampa. The city is famous for its many excellent ... (my mom reads this) ... libraries.

23. Cleveland. Like restoring an old Buick: You're making progress but every so often you question whether it's worth the effort.

24. Minneapolis. Minnesotans have 50 words for 'snow.'

25. Atlanta. The name of a really good television show and a really mediocre city.