Monday, April 21, 2014

A Pause to Reflect...

Okay, this is the official "hitting the pause button" post. I am putting my chin-up challenge on hold for awhile. I am not giving up on it, because I still think I can do it. I'm just putting it to the side for awhile. Turns out that like an ogre or an onion or even a parfait; I have layers. Or at least my injuries have layers. My bashed big toe led to a change in my gait that led to a misalignment of my knees that aggravated them that led to the discovery of arthritis and the fact that my patellas are tracking way laterally that led to physical therapy that led to developing other muscles to take the strain off of the knee and realignment of those pesky wandering patellas that led to discovery that my hips tend to wander and my IT band is taking a beating and that my back is locked in my lower lumbar which is leading to some nerve disconnect with the line that innervates the knees which is...

See? Layers...

Anyway, what this all means is that right now my focus is on getting everything working together the way it should be. Then I will come back around to adding extra challenges. Because let me tell you right now this is all challenging enough. And humbling. I am not even using the word wrong seriously humbling. I am doing PT and using super light weights. Which is bad enough. But light weights in areas where I normally kick ass. I have strong legs. But right now I am doing hamstring curls with 20 pounds. Because I have to think so hard about keeping my leg turned just the right way, and my speed just the right pace and the range just exactly so that I am exhausted just from the first few reps! Add to that because I am turned just so and going at just that speed it's calling in other muscles. I can't cheat. I can't compensate. I have to do it right. And right is working muscles that aren't used to it. And it's hard. (little bit of a whine there, sorry)

My first PT session my therapist said I had weak abdominal muscles. Excuse me? I do not. Push on them! Feel that? Strong! Well okay they might have a little layer of soft over them, but they have always been strong. Childhood illness sometimes has its benefits...Anyway, I never get told I have weak abdominals. Then as we would work and she would press on my abs while I did exercises she came around to agreeing with me. Last session she said, your upper abs are really strong and your lower abs are really strong. Now we just need to figure out how to get them to talk to each other. My abs are like congress...dysfunctional.

And that has sort of been the theme of most sessions. Basically, you're doing it wrong. Walking? Nope. Don't swing your hips. Lat pull downs? Tuck that pelvis and pull from your pinkies or you will bring in the wrong muscles. Leg lifts, presses, calf raises, you name it, I've compensated. So now I start over. And until I get it all lined up right I've got a full plate so pause on the chin ups. Though I have to believe that once I have everything working in tandem that will actually be easier than trying to bully my way through with other muscles.

Which is so deep and meaningful on a LIFE level that every work out session ends up being an in my head therapy session. How many times in life do we just compensate instead of doing it right? How often do we just bull our way through a problem instead of figuring out exactly what the source of the problem is and fixing it? It's easier to just shift our focus away from the issue than it is to fix it right? Admitting we are doing it wrong, especially when it's something basic like, oh walking for instance, is really humbling. You feel a bit like an idiot. I know there have been times in my life where I've had to stop, go back to the beginning and start over again. And it always sucks. But I'm learning. Always learning. It's the things we don't want to look at that often need our attention. But it's the things we have stopped looking at for so long we don't even realize we aren't looking any more that can wreck us.

Which is really hard right? Once we've figured out how to work around things, how to not pay attention to the things that aren't working, how do you go back and notice? How do you see what you are using to compensate? Especially if you have been compensating very well. Like with my knees, if I hadn't hurt my foot I would have never (or at least not for a longer time period anyway) noticed that my knees were wearing away. So how do you even tell what you are avoiding and what you are over using? Well, for me, I do have the advantage of being a noted expert in omphaloskepsis. So now I just have to look at what I've been studiously avoiding looking at. Ummm....well..

So here is my new challenge. To stop and really look at everything again. To see what is and isn't working. To figure out what I've bulled my way past or am continuing to bull my way through. To go back and start over if I have to. And also, and this is really important, to give myself credit for the things that are good. The things I have been paying attention to and the times when I have gone back to the beginning to start over. And even the things I am part way there on. I have strong abs (for instance) this is a good thing. They can be better, I can figure out how to get them working in tandem, but they are there. Waiting and ready to work, strong. I am writing more (to bring in the flip of this challenge, it's physical and mental this time around) and I am brimming with ideas, so that's working, I still haven't gone back in to edit anything I wrote in November so that isn't. But at least I am recognizing there is an issue there. So I'm confident I will figure that out soon.