Oh, to be left-handed. The perils and
the glory so few of us know (about 10 percent to be exact). On the dark side of
things, there's the unwinnable struggle of endorsing checks at the bank (thanks
for always chaining pens to the right side of a surface) and the fact that your
guitar is pretty much the only one you can ever play.

But the oft-ignored positives include an
actual scientific likelihood that we're smarter and more creative than our
right-handed counterparts (it isn't arrogant if it's science) and the advantage
we have in one-on-on sports and combat.

On top of that, the sheer scarcity of
lefties bonds us to one another — sort of like Prius drivers — and creates a
shortcut to intimacy, an automatic icebreaker, a sense of shared pride. You see
someone struggling to swipe their credit card or bumping elbows with their
neighbor at a crowded restaurant and you think, "You've been where I've
been." It's like Fight Club, only you get to keep all your teeth.

So, in honor of International Left
Handers Day, I've made a list of some of the most frustrating and satisfying
experiences we southpaws have. So, find your favorite left-handed mug and get
ready to be even prouder you're not like the rest of 'em. I salute you
(backwards, most likely).

1. As if you didn't feel awkward enough
as a kid, you always had to sit in the ONLY LEFT-HANDED WRITING DESK in your
classroom. Even better: When there weren't any.

2. Not being
able to write, draw, paint, or really use any marking implement whatsoever
without subsequently having the left side of your left hand covered with proof
you had. No getting away with sidewalk-chalk graffiti.

3. The fact
that this charming, mime-esque half-glove is your only alternative to that
fate.

4. Having to
make the choice, at age four, between looking like an idiot when you try to use
right-handed scissors and the shame of coming to school with your own special
pair — in my case, Pocahontas-themed, with a matching pencil, sharpener, and
case. And, God help anyone who tried to take them from me.

5. The deep
sense of empathy and sadness you feel when you realize another of your favorite
celebrities is left-handed. They have to deal with all the struggles you do,
plus signing autographs at the most uncomfortable angles imaginable. All. The.
Time. That's carpal tunnel waiting to happen. At least they have their millions
to soothe the ache.

6. The
realization that, if expected to survive on canned goods after an apocalypse,
you would die of starvation. Because, can openers.

7. The
moment you tried to write in a binder and got shut down. And the eight times
you tried after that before you finally gave up on being normal.

8. 99% of
your high five attempts.

...But on
the upside...

9. The first
time someone told you 8 of the Presidents in the past 150 years were left-handed.
That list includes Barack Obama, James Garfield, Herbert Hoover, Harry S.
Truman, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton.

Why so many
southpaws in office? "Some experts think left-handed people have a greater
aptitude for language skills, which may help them craft the rhetoric necessary
for political office."

10. The
sense of pride and vindication you get when yet another study comes out
proclaiming the likelihood that lefties are smarter than everyone else.

Yep, lefties
are believed to have faster and more accurate spatial skills, strong executive
control and mental flexibility, and divergent thinking (the ability to generate
new ideas from a single principle quickly and effectively).

12. The day
you found out that theory about left-handed people dying 9 years sooner than
right handers was total bollocks.

(Yes, Emma
Thompson is — obviously — a leftie, too.)

13. The 50%
chance your dog is left-handed. (The likelihood is about 40% for cats.)

14. The
relief and gratitude you feel whenever you think about the fact that
left-handed children for centuries were considered defiant (and even evil), and
their parents thought the left-handedness had to be driven out of them, like
some sort of demonic influence.

George VI
was famously forced to use his non-dominant hand (the right). This has often
been cited as a likely cause of his persistent stutter. It's good to be a
leftie in 2015.

15.
Realizing you have an advantage in sports for the same reason so many other
things are hard: You're an outlier. Yes, that's why you're stuck with backwards
writing desks and tying your shoelaces is a five-minute ordeal.

But because
the majority of tennis players, fencers, and baseball players are righties,
your every move will catch an opponent off-guard. Don't let the tyranny of
scissors fool you; your hand-eye coordination is on point, and you've got game.

16. The
realization (it's probably happening RIGHT NOW) that for the same reasons you
kick ass in one-on-one sports, you have an actual evolutionary advantage over
righties in combat. There's a clear correlation between the level of violence
and the number of lefties in a place.

Translation:
Your being left-handed helps you win in life-or-death situations, just as it
would in a boxing or a fencing match. You're not doing what the other guy
expects. You're an unknown quantity. Here's hoping you never have to test this
theory, but it's a nice assurance to have in your back pocket.