Friday

Nanny's Dream Job Becomes Heartwrenching Nightmare

I’m really hoping I can get some advice about a heartbreaking situation I have found myself in. I have been a nanny for 7 years and have always had fantastic relationships with all of my charges and have always been head over heels in love with them. I have stayed in contact with all of them. My most recent was caring for a baby girl from 2 weeks old until she was 13 months. The family had to relocate across the country and it has been extremely difficult for me. Normally this situation is heart wrenching, but I move on healthily and am excited for a new baby to be a huge part of my life. I never imagined I would miss her SO much after starting this new job.

3 weeks ago I started with a new family and their 5 month old son. I feel like crying every time I come home from work and before I go to work! He is the most difficult infant I have ever seen in my life and it is really starting to take a toll on me. He cries constantly, but not really crying, more like whining that turns into hysterical screaming. He shakes, sweats and is inconsolable. I have tried everything to calm him down but he doesn’t stop until he is asleep, which is extremely difficult for him to do. When he finally falls asleep he only naps for about 30 minutes and wakes up in full hysterics. There are maybe two times during the time I am there which he smiles and coos at me, and it lasts about 30 seconds until out of nowhere he is building on hysteria again. The mother seems to be in denial that something may be wrong whether it be colic or something else more serious. She always chalks it up to “oh he must miss me so much when I’m gone!” I feel there should have been some definite bonding with him since I am there about 35 hrs a week, but it’s like he has no idea who I am at all. He completely rejects any affection, arches his back and seems he doesn’t want to be held at all. He is upset whether he is being held, walked around, bounced, played music, fed, changed or sitting in a swing or on the floor. I feel like a bad nanny because I cannot in any way console this poor baby and I feel like he hates me! I have thought about quitting but I feel so awful giving up on myself and the baby, I want it to work but I can’t go on like this.

After the first week of a new job I am so used to having a baby love me and reacting positively to my affection. All I want is to be able to snuggle him and give him so much love and it breaks my heart that I can’t do that. What would you do?

28 comments:

Nanny shows that she cares
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You are doing everything you can- loving the baby. Screw the parent! Well, maybe/ Most parents are in denial with their new baby. The baby may have a condition or just a very colic baby. I would start a journal of when/ why baby cries. If you see unusual movements (like involuntary movements or something like that) How are the feedings- is he on a schedule? Please kept me informed.

OP, what's he eating? Maybe he is allergic/intolerant of something? It seems possible that chronic pain could lead to this behavior, although it could be something even more serious. It may be a good way to at least broach the issue with Mom..."I wonder if he's allergic to something. Would it be possible to ask the doctor about it?" though it seems like other people must have noticed this behavior as well. I wonder if anyone's said something to mom?

Honestly, if Mom continues to be in denial, I would look for a new job. That sounds way too draining to continue without any support from the parent.

Poor little baby and you too! I echo the others suggestions to strongly urge mom to have him seen by a doctor Something could be seriously wrong. I would als try and track the crying like when it seems to be more severe like after a meal maybe.

Have you tried not cuddling him? Like just laying with him on your chest and maybe a pat.Something more serious does sound like it's going on here, but I did have a baby once who didn't like bouncing, walking or cuddling, but she would let me lay down with her on my chest very still and she would calm down.

My son suffered terrible acid reflux and behaved in much the same way until he was diagnosed and treated with medication. The back arching, inconsolable crying, and difficulty sleeping can be indications as not all reflux babies spit up. Please do all you can to encourage the mom to take him to the doctor. It sounds like he is suffering, whatever the cause.

Please listen to me --- I know this may sound crazy but my baby did the same thing for 4mo and I thought I would lose my mind. The Drs. thought it could be reflux (your charge needs to be checked for that anyway) but ultimately, it ended up being something very simple. Some babies are born with extremely sensitive skin.

Detergents and clothing tags make them MISERABLE and they will cry ALL the time, arching backs and everything, because they are in real pain.

After exhausting all tests my sons Dr. wanted to try an experiment and suggested trying a different detergent and removing ALL clothing tags --- my baby suddenly stopped crying! It was like I had a brand new child in my arms.

I have talked to other moms about this and found out I wasn't alone. And strangely enough, most were using the same detergent I switched to --- Gain!

Please try doing this. What could it hurt? Cut the baby's tags out, re-wash his clothes in Gain, see what happens, ok?

Something is definitely not right here, he needs to be checked out by a doctor, but I know it is hard to suggest something like that to the mom. Maybe you could say something like "I've cared for babies that acted like this and it ended up being acid reflux or some type of allergy" (even if you haven't seen that before, I'm just going off what a couple posters said about similar situations).

I would also suggest keeping a journal of when and how long he cries, what he eats during the day, and anything else unusual. I'm sorry you are in such a rough position, hopefully the mom stops being so ignorant to the fact that something is not right with her child.

If I were you, I would strongly suggest to the mother that she take her baby in to be checked for severe colic, acid reflux, etc. If she agrees, I would stay on and work with whatever problem the baby has. If she refuses, I would say "Sayanora" and leave. It seems this job is draining you both physically + emotionally and no amount of money is worth going through this 35 hrs per week.

The other suggestions are wonderful-document, document, document. Either do 1 or 2 weeks worth, and present this to the parents. Research sensitive skin and acid reflux, along with food allergies, etc. Start off by saying you have been noticing some things that aren't normal for infants, such as his crying, etc. I would hand over the information you got from the internet, and gently encourage them to take him to the doctor.

If nothing works, and the situation hasn't improved, I would put in your notice and let them know the reason why you are leaving is because you feel that the position isn't working out.

I agree with everyone else. The doctor is going to be huge! A few things to add is that until you can convince the mother to bring him to the Dr. try a sitting position when you do get him to sleep. Either continue to hold him so he is upright or use his car seat. If it is something like reflux sitting up may keep him asleep longer. Have you tried not consoling him? Some babies are very sensitive to touch and do not want to be held. Also, if she is in such denial, once you do convince her of the doctor, go with to the appt if at all possible. Sometimes parents don't hear/want to hear what the doctor says, and you won't ever know the answer. I hope everything works out.

Just wanted to add a few ideas, which you may or may not have already tried: Going outside, giving him a bath, wearing him in a sling or carrier, watching TV (I know TV is "bad" for babies, but it might overstimulate him enough to distract him from whatever's wrong...10 minutes of peace would be good for you both!). obviously these are not long-term solutions, but could possibly help in the meantime. What does mom do to soothe him?

Based on what you said, I agree he sounds like he is in pain. But I'm confused by the mom's attitude. Why is she being so nonchalant and saying he is just missing her? Surely he is not just screaming for 35 hours a week and is a calm, smiling baby the rest of the time. That's what would be happening if this was an attachment issue...but I just can't believe that because he is too young to have stranger anxiety.

All the PPs gave you some great advice and I can't think of anything else to add to it. I just hope some of your "advice" to the mom isn't going to go in one ear and out the other. You might be able to very gently ask her about his behavior and her evening routine, just to get an idea of how much he's screaming for her and what's she's doing about it. You sound like you're at your wit's end though and I know I would be. Quitting and finding another job isn't "giving up." Not every single job is going to work out and it doesn't mean that you've failed.

This sounds exactly like my son and ended up being diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder. He is currently 9 and we are still dealing with it. He has occupational therapy twice a week that is supposed to help. I think MB needs to take him to his pediatrician. I knew from a few days old that there was something wrong with my son and could never imagine just blowing it off.

I am so sorry OP! That much crying would make anyone lose their mind. Check out "The Period of Purple Crying" He might be a bit old for it but it's worth a look. It really does sound like something is wrong with him. I agree with the above poster that he might be allergic to something. Either the detergent like another poster said or he could even be lactose intolerant. If it was me I would try to find the trigger that's causing it. I would really try to get mom to take him to the dr and if at all possible GO WITH HER. If she won't make a special appt for it, bring it up at baby's six month checkup. You could also try calling the baby your baby hotline and asking them if they have any advice. The number varys state by state but you can it by calling 1-800-311-2229. Please keep us posted

the problem with a lot of your suggestions is the baby would be that way with the parents too not just the nanny. Based on the mom's reaction I would guess that's not the case. one thing you can do is address sensitivities you might be aggravating him with. Use the same detergent as the family and avoid soap or whatever with perfumes. And just a crazy situation I watched a baby once for 9 months! That acted that way with me and the other sitter. I was there a couple times a week and tried everything and nothing worked except when she was sleeping or eating and then all of a sudden it stopped. Strangest thing. So I guess stranger anxiety is possible. Good luck!

I have cared for children full time for the past 18 years. I had only 1 experience 15 years ago with a baby who sounds EXACTLY like the one you care for! I was head Infant Teacher at a Hospital based child care center. This Baby started with us at 2 months old. All he did was scream and arch. He was breastfed, and would take bottles, but scream in between about every 30 seconds (he would do the same when his mom breastfed him). He would scream himself to sleep, and would wake up screaming 30 minutes later. I could get him to smile, but it would soon turn into a high pitch scream and cry again. His Father was a Neurologist, and his Mom was a Pediatrician....they were very calm about it, and kinda shrugged it off. During the first few weeks of him being in my care, I would tell the Parents that he screamed all day, and nothing would comfort him. The response was always, "Oh I know! He does that at home all the time too! We wear earplugs alot!" I thought for sure that something was wrong with this little guy. I ledft the center 2 years later, and he was still VERY much into screaming, but could talk. It was always in a high pitch, shaky, whinny way. I talked to someone from the center 3 years later, and they said that he was doing better, but now had a new baby sister that was the EXACT same way. He is now 15 years old, and from waht I hear, he is perfectly fine. He is one that I will never never never never EVER forget!There could very well be something wrong with the baby you are watching! I hope the Parents have it checked out. I feel for you! It's exhausting to work with a screamer all day. Hope everything works out for all involved.

I think there is something medically wrong with him. That is not normal. Even, lets say a baby cries and cries they will tire themselves eventually and crash. It doesn't sound like he can even sleep! I don't know. I think he needs to go to the doctor

Hope the mom does bring him to the doctor. Like everyone else mentioned to rule out a vast majority of things. Wonder if it could be a sign of autism??? Not sure just curious. Or like others mentioned maye an allergy.

If it doesn't get better I would look for something else. You don't want to ever snap and lose your temper at the child

OP here, I want to thank all of you for your kind words and advice, it means a lot during this stressful time. To answer the questions about a possible allergy, the baby is exclusively breastfed at this point. I believe it has a lot to do with the tantrums he has with me because the mother pops him the boob anytime he cries when she is there. It seems he is incapable of calming down otherwise.She says he does not become so hysterical with her as I have explained he does with me. He had a doctors appointment last week and they mentioned something about how he does not keep eye contact while he is being sat up, only laying down. He also doesn't hold his head up very well at all. They use fragrance free and dye free detergent so I don't think that would be an irritant. I have tried not consoling him but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He gets so worked up he even rejects a pacifier. The days feel so long! Thank you all for your help, I think I'm going to wait it out a little longer, but if this continues I will have to reconsider this position.

Autism? Had a screamer like that once, oh boy ! I survived all the the diaper change screaming, screaming in bath tub, screaming getting dressed, screaming in a car seat... She was diagnosed with Autism at age 4.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can with the situation. I nannied for a baby boy who was solely breastfeed. He was about 8 weeks when mom went back to work, and he had to adjust to a lot of changes. He struggled. He was a very fussy baby, and not much could calm him down. He did not want to be held and cuddled like most babies I have worked with. The only way he was calm was being held across the inside of my lower arm, in a football hold, with his feet and arms dangling. There were days when I would go home and just burst in to tears over his unhappiness. I dreaded going to work every day.But MB and I kept a strict log of everything, and with that log, good communication, and a great pediatrician, we were able to finally figure out what was wrong with him, which was pretty much just gas and colic, mostly from switching back and forth between bottle and breast. He liked being held or laid with pressure on his tummy, and a counterclockwise belly rub would work magic on his mood. Different bottles for different feeds with fresh pumped breastmilk, never frozen, settled the best on his tummy. Mom actually stopped breastfeeding and just pumped to feed in a bottle to keep everything consistent. Once we were able to figure out what worked best for baby, mom and nanny, it was smooth sailing. :)Hang in there, it sounds like he is having some sort of troubles, and if you can get MB to work with you, hopefully you can come to a solution to help ease his discomfort. Keep a log of everything he does, it really can be a useful tool. You sound like a great nanny, and if you can get through this difficult time with him, you will build a strong bond with him, and you will both be happy.

I think you just described my day yesterday! 6-week-old Baby C has had horrible gas and I held her in the football hold for almost the whole 9 hours I was with her. The only way I could get her to nap out of my arms was in the swing--she needed constant movement all day. It didn't occur to me that the switching between breast and bottle might be responsible but I don't think MB is going to like the idea of only bottle-feeding.

Maybe you and mom should spend some time with the baby together and maybe she could show you what she does to calm him and you could show her how upset he is constantly and she'd understand that that's not normal. It's not an appropriate level of attachment for a child to be upset ALL DAY... the mom should NOT want that to be the case and should want to have the baby checked out.

I am sorry to tell you, it might just be the babies temperment. My now 14 month old baby was a NIGHTMARE from birth to 10 months (it started getting better around 9 months), and I had him tested and checked for EVERYTHING. I was sure there was something wrong. This baby is probably a high needs baby, and unfortunately you are going to have to wait until he grows out of it.

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