Sunday, May 1, 2011

Humor Blog # 6

What...no health care for you.

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no
healthcare for you, what do you do?

This plan gives anyone 65 years old ,or older, a gun
and 6 bullets.
You're allowed to shoot 2 senators and 4 represtatives.
Of course, this means that you will be sent to prison,
where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head,
and all the health care you need! New teeth, no
problem, Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney,
lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all
of this? The same government that told you that you are
too old for health care.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay
any income taxes.( which probably won't apply to you.)
Is this a great country, or what??

Of course they may execute you for shooting someone,
if they should die, but I doubt it. After all we're talking
politicians here.
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An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the
20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time
for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed," Burritos again! If I get burritos one more
time I'm going to jump off, too.

" The blonde opened his lunch and said, " bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more
time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped
to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was
of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't
realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch".

The pastor asked the congregation if anyone would like to express thanks for
answered prayers.

A lady stood up and walked to the podium. She said,"I have a praise."

"Two months ago, my husband , Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors
didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remmants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with
time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man stood up and said. I am Jim and the word is "sternum" not "scrotum."

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Church Jokes

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, " Why is the bride dressed
in white?'
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
..........................................................................................
c

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles
a few words on apiece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50."
The second boy says, "Thats noting. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a song, they give him $100.
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all
the money.
.........................................................................................

An elderly woman died last month. Having never
married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her
handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was
alive, I don't want them taking me out when I'm
dead."
..........................................................................................

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What
would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "call for backup."
...........................................................................................
A sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to
Jerusalem..A small child replied, 'They couldn't
get a baby sitter, "
............................................................................................
A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy
father and thy mother,"she asked, "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat,one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
.............................................................................................
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's
rib. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny,
what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded,
"I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a
wife."
................................................................................................
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One
said to the other, " What do you think about all this
Satan stuff? " The other boy replied, "Well, you
know how Santa Claus turned out, It's probably
just your Dad."
.................................................................................................