TORONTO—Local man Tim Rubidoux has refused to join a local gym, claiming instead that his membership in the “invisible, universal gym” should be enough to get him into shape.

“Yeah, I’m not really into the whole ‘organized fitness’ thing,” he told reporters, stating that he’s been “burned a few times” by gyms that didn’t cater to his every whim. “I’m into fitness, but I’m not religious about it.”

He also launched into a long diatribe about the hypocrisy of other people he sees at the gym, who are working out but aren’t perfectly fit yet. “That really turned me off of the whole institutional exercise thing. It’s just not for me.”

Rubidoux states that he simply exercises on his own time whenever he feels like it, with no disciplined routine or partners to keep him accountable. “Nature is my gym.”

At publishing time, sources had been able to confirm that Rubidoux hasn’t exercised in 14 years.

Breaking: Paypal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.