Jessica #2 - Sophisticated Wooing Strategy

Jessica's pretty sure her ex didn't come 2,500 miles just to catch up and he's definitely courting her for something... but for what?"

When your ex calls you up four months after you break it off because he won't commit, and says, "We have to talk," chances are you have an idea of what he wants to discuss.

Andy obviously felt that what he had to say was important, since he was flying 2,500 miles to say it. I don't think I expected him to hand me some sort of manifesto laying out his terms for reconciliation when he alighted from the plane, but I didn't expect that he would just flash a smile and snicker as my defensiveness melted.

"I am going to show you your new town," he declared. Apparently he'd invaded the Web and discovered every Phoenix-related site. He had our entire weekend planned.

"I feel like I'm being courted," I laughed as he managed to open doors for me while balancing his bags in his other hand. Andy had embraced the chivalry he'd always derided as chauvinistic.

It had been a long time since either of us put much effort into each other, or into Our capital-O-capital-R Relationship. This weekend, Andy had put out major effort. Wooing me with a sophisticated strategy usually reserved for the commercial film shoots he assistant-directed.

Andy and I had always been great friends. That's how things had started out. We met when I was casually dating a friend of his. Andy would come over and we'd crack each other up while the friend watched. When things went nowhere with the friend, Andy kept calling. We never made a decision to become more serious. Things just, as they say, happened.

Once I started to crane my eyes to see beyond, Andy alternately brooded or distracted me with humor or surprises. (I preferred the presents.)

Andy loved the lack of complications.

Anyway, he'd found a wonderful little restaurant near downtown with a great blues band. Couples huddled at tables, speaking in voices low enough to not drown out the singer. A couple next to us wasn't talking and seemed focused on the music.

"They're probably married," Andy said with a laugh. "So they don't need to talk anymore."

We obviously didn't have that problem. Andy told me about his latest projects at work and updated me on the last months' happenings in our social circle. I asked about his niece, about whom I was absolutely crazy. I chided him for not knowing. If it wasn't for me, he'd barely pay attention to her or his nephew.

"When she can discuss politics, I'll take her out to lunch," he said with a chuckle. "She's got a few more years."

He told me he thought I was brave for picking up and moving here. He told me I was looking well. He told me he'd missed me.

The next day, we went to a street-arts festival near Arizona State.

Shrugging off his usual need to act cool, Andy looked on bemusedly while I stood in line with five- and six-year-olds to ride the carousel repeatedly. He even consented to eat cotton candy.

He embraced the chivalry he'd always derided as chauvinistic.

As we sat on a bench and tried to wipe the spun sugar from his hands, he told me that, Jersey boy that he is, he'd fallen in love with Arizona's vast sky and the city's shiny newness.

"The film industry here is growing, isn't it?" he asked, listing off movies that had been shot here recently and the MTV specials he remembered.

I felt a tightness in my chest.

"This area is like L.A., junior," he continued.

Later that night, we went to a dimly lit, tres expensive French-type restaurant overlooking a golf course. It was the sort of place to which you'd take your parents or a business client - not the sort of place Andy or I would normally pick. I'd choose a funky ethnic joint over white tablecloths any day.

I sat through the meal feeling strangely disconnected from the proceedings, as if I was an actor in a play anticipating the lines from the other characters. Andy was telling me how much he'd missed me, how much I meant to him... I was keenly aware of the gentle pressure. It felt insistent.

Visitor Comments: 1

(1)
Alyssa Firger,
February 15, 2000 12:00 AM

Andy is committment-phobic!

Moving in together before marriage is a sure sign that the couple is NOT ready to make any real committment. Someone can walk out at any point in the relationship. Jessica wanted Andy to propose and he was too much of a coward to so. Another possibility is that he is not ready or Jessica is NOT "the one" for him. I can empathize with Jessica.

Submit Your Comment:

Name:*

Display my name?

YesNo

Email:*

Your email address is kept private. Our editor needs it in case we have a question about your comment.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...