Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Here I am on my own new year's eve -- tomorrow my age will increase by one -- and I find myself pondering my life, and my relationship in particular.

My love for her is certain, yet doubts have crept inside my head; questions about the state of our alliance. Times have been tough and we have not been easy for one another. Misunderstandings, arguments, on the edge of seperation; I found myself at her mercy, uncertain whether she would want to continue.

When I finally, unwillingly, grudgingly, accepted the finality of our end, she surprised me by claiming she did, after all, want to go on with me. Overjoyed I was -- I am -- but also hurt; hearing her admit that she had, briefly, fallen for someone else. I know I should not feel second-best, but my emotions, once buried deep, can no longer be denied.

I do not blame her, for I was not there for her in the way that she needed me. What concerns me more, though, is that I am unsure whether this rift between us will mend. Certainly our psysical togetherness is beyond pleasurable, but all the copulation in the world cannot heal the hurt or cure the issues we still have.

Does the simple fact of falling for someone else not imply the poor state of our relationship?

Do I have confidence in us to overcome our misunderstandings, our arguments, our very different needs and wants? These issues have not been resolved; perhaps they will not ever be. The question I am asking myself, is whether I have faith that we can work it out.

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

I cannot shake the feeling that I’m losing you. And there is nothing I can do to prevent it.

I have hurt you in the past and even though time has passed, the wounds have not healed. Instead, you said that you could not count on me in the future and that you refuse to make plans for us together on the long term. That I am unpredictable in that sense.

That thought keeps spinning around in my head. How I cannot do anything about the pain, the mental scar, that I’ve given you. No time or love can make that right. Nothing I can do but hope.

It hurts, and frankly it has occupied my thoughts for the last few days. Because I love you, and I don’t want to lose you.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

I have been watching you without words. Perhaps I was too mesmerized by your actions or perhaps I mistook my mere presence as enough, but without realizing it I became part of your background instead of your life.

Why is it that something must happen for me to see those errors? You pointed them out, said I did not respond to your blogs, I did not write about you, for you, anymore.

This is where I try to set it right. To break the cycle of inactivity and silence, of being but a reflection in the water instead of a whole person with whom you can talk and joke and love.

Because I want to be part of your life, sweet spider lady, and not just as a spectator. A participant in your moments of joy, a shoulder to cry on in moments of sorrow, an instigator of warm feelings in you.

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life."
- John Lennon

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein

"My goal in life is to become as wonderful as my dog thinks I am."
- unknown