I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that any underwear I'm going to buy had best be sealed in some sort of plastic baggie. I want some sort of assurance that I alone have rubbed flesh with each and every pair of underwear that comes anywhere near my tender skin. They must be, in short, unspoiled to qualify for the girding of my loins. Sorry, homey, but your promise of "never worn" just doesn't cut it when it comes to chones. If this was, for the sake of argument, a jacket, or something like that, I'd be willing to take the "never worn" with a grain of salt. Yeah suuuuuure, "never worn," uh huh, pull the other one why don't you, it's got bells! I mean, whatever, it's a jacket. Even some trousers or a shirt; it'd be cool. But not a set of briefs. I've drawn this line in the sand and I shan't cross it!

This is as close as you'll get to a fashion statement from me. I have the fashion sense of inert matter. Not bad, not good, not anything. The clothing covers the body to keep out the cold and insects. Also, the pants tend to end somewhere in the vicinity of the knee, or thereabouts, to avoid being shredded and greased by the bicycle chains. Shoelaces tucked in, always, for the same reason. That's about it. Just not a fashionable guy. Had a girlfriend once who tried her damnedest to make me a stylin' dude, but it didn't really stick. Still have some of the clothes she bought me, but I cut the legs of almost all the pants and gave the shirts with buttons to Goodwill....

Totally different story with the people who live around the neighborhood, however. Two observations about my 'hood:

1) Everyone here is young and attractive. Seriously, they are all "beautiful people." I honestly think this applies to all of San Diego, but the locus of the phenomenon seems to be North Park/Normal Heights/Hillcrest etc.

2) They are all wicked cool in some way.

Now, I consider myself fortunate to live amongst these beautiful, hip young people. Perhaps someday I will sidle into their ranks, joining the coolest of the cool and the hottest of the hot in doing whatever it is that cool, attractive young people do. For the time being, I occupy a space somewhere on the periphery of things. Confronted by the myriad fashions I see before me, I list a few for you now:

Staggeringly Well Dressed Gay Men
That most powerful of socio-economic groups, the SWDGM have a strong position in the 'hood. On the surface there is some competition between the SWDGM and the Young Rich White People who flood the bars downtown as to who can be More Well Dressed. When the chips are down, however, the SWDGM are the obvious winners. You see, YRWP know of only a few different outfits. Blue-and-white-striped-shirt with jeans and dress shoes for the guys. Miniskirt and tanktop with fashionable shoes for the girls. The SWDGM, on the other hand, are inventive, innovative, and thrifty in their attire. They cannot be touched by even the most artfully disguised YRWP.

Ironically Poorly Dressed Hipsters
Many of these around. This is basically me, I'm not ashamed. They're much better at it than I, however. For starters, I don't have the audacity to pull off a mullet. I just can't make that rock and roll, sorry. But the really cool kids, they wear mullets and get away with it. The tight jeans, hi-top sneakers and flannel shirts all evoke the fashion sense of people my age when we were eleven, which is highly ironic. Although, to be fair, we used to wear our jeans baggy. I actually can't identify the historical fashion trend being being ironically mocked by the tight jeans. There were tight jeans in the sixties (60's) and seventies (70's), but they had flared legs and fit tightly only around the thigh. The nineteen-eighties (1980's) saw some tight-ish jeans, but not the spandex styled skinny jeans of today. It just goes to show you that cool people have made an incredibly intricate and deeply ironic pastiche of fashion. They are far, far, far from sloppy. Tattoo sleeves, on the other hand, belong to no generation and are a vital part of the IPDH fashion statement.

Down To Earth White People
These are actually the sort of people identified by the now-legendary Stuff White People Like Blog. Almost as powerful a socio-economic bracket as the SWDGM, the DTEWP have a very different fashion sense indeed. Hiking, outdoorsy clothing is very important--you can actually outfit a DTEWP for an entire year with a single trip to REI. It's rather fascinating. Since these people tend to work at colleges or for companies cashing in on "green" economics, the DTEWP are usually allowed to wear fleece vests, crocs, and cargo pants everywhere they go. DTEWP are serious hard-working types, with IRAs and whatnot, but can be difficult to distinguish from outdoorsy, hippie types that tend to live in tents by choice rather than penury. Often scent (patchouli or lack thereof) can be a key indicator. DTEWP tend to smell of new Prius and Starbucks.

As three (3) is the magic number, I shall stop here with listing the various fashion sensibilities of my neighborhood. Conveniently enough, the three categories described above probably contain 90-93% of the residents in Normal Heights and the surrounding, similar areas. Allow for flexibility in the severity of any individual's adherence to a group's bylaws, perhaps permit a little interchangeability between the groups, and you can fairly well describe most any of my neighbors.

As for me, you prolly won't see me--I'll be hiding behind the cool people!

"I actually can't identify the historical fashion trend being being ironically mocked by the tight jeans."

It is all about the Ramones for most of these unimaginative folk.

Pikey, you weren't really around in the 80s, so I can fill in those jeans fer ya. They were skinny as pencils in the legs, very fitted--the only difference from today's is that they were HIGH-waisted. Really high-waisted. But then, those are back in style now...sigh.

I guess it's the high waist that throws me off. I was cogent during those years, yo, and I have a phenomenal memory for trivial details. It's pretty uncanny. There's a difference between the high- and low-waisted jeans inasmuch as the low-waist-skinny-leg jeans do a lot more to make one's butt look fat.

"-the only difference from today's is that they were HIGH-waisted. Really high-waisted. But then, those are back in style now...sigh."

Uh-huh. And they're extremely dangerous.

Yesterday, my high-waisted jeans actually injured me. I was doing my thing at work, which unfortunately involves a lot of awkward squirming around while driving, and the button of my high-waisted jeans would NOT stay out of my navel.

I shop at Target,Wal-Mart and the fat guy's store and don't really give two stihs what people think of the way I look or dress. Hell....I'm wearing a pair of HB(Harbor Bay-available exclusively at Casual Male XL) jeans,a black T-shirt from Target that reads:You must be a real loser if you have nothing else better to do than just stand there like an idiot and read every word on my T-shirt. Congratulations for wasting your time. Now go away because you're bothering me!,black suspenders from Casual Male XL and brown/beige Crocs flip-flops.

I am the epitome of douchebag and I wouldn't have it any other way. Overdressing to impress people that really couldn't give a rat's ass speaks volumes about a society. I'm cooler than the cool kids because I don't care about looking cool.

The wound has been repeatedly cleaned with hydrogen peroxide, and dressed alternately with arnica montana gel (which stings because it has alcohol -- but it aids rapid healing) and antibiotic ointment.

And I'm glad yours is an innie, too. A piercing would look gross on an outie. Can you imagine, some big ole weiner navel with a ring through it? It'd look like a Prince Albert. XD

The underwear for sale makes me think of a story I heard on one of the sports stations the other day. Apparently, someone bought a pair of underwear from a famous athlete...perhaps Brett Favre, I can't remember, as the DJs joked about many athletes. It had been advertised as "game worn" and "not washed".

When we used to go clubbing, this one guy was making a pest of himself; he was studying to be a social worker, nice guy, good dancer, but I just wanted him to go away. My girlfriends wanted to know why I wasn't interested. I said, "He wears eskimo boots, for gods sakes!"

He married one of my friends, they bought a house and had a lovely little baby. :)

First of all, AG, I have lived in SoCal for about a year and a half now and have heard several new terms since living here. You term "big ole weiner navel" is one I have never heard before but really like. The others are "scepter head" and "grumpy pushing."

Pike, great article. I wonder how many people out there need work done on their house AND are having an animal population issue on their land. I mean, those just seem like to very random situations to be in. Then again, I am not a land or home owner so maybe it's a lot more common than I think.

I'm not sure what category I fall in. Sure, I don't live in Normal Heights but I do live in another artsy-fartsy part of town. While I want to be the locally brewed java espresso latte whatever-it-is-in-the-cup drinker and take yoga classes, I just don't know if it's me. However, I do believe I belong in this neighborhood. Even if I don't "look" like them, I feel like I am one of them. As for how I dress, I'm colorblind. It has always been jeans with whatever... because denim goes with any color. When it comes to dressing up, if I don't have a girlfriend I'm pretty much guessing and crossing my fingers that my clothes match and I'm not making a fool of myself. Yet another reason why being single really f-ing sucks for me.

Oh, and I'm in full agreement about the boxers. If it's not in a package and wrapped all nice, sorry, not gonna do it. I even have trouble with those ones in the store that are just clipped to the plastic hanger. You never know how many people said, "Let me try these on, just to see if they fit." That's right, I've seen the voyeur videos. What you don't see is if the people actually bought them or just put them back on the rack. shiver

re: #25: Did the guy have stubby teeth worn down by chewing seal skin and sinews? Did he teach his new bride to execute a dish of cold seal fat? (Forget what that is called).

re: #27: For shame! What would Bob the Angry Flower say, Pike?! :)

re: #29: Adam advises: "...because denim goes with any color"
Well, Adam! You are the Pragmatic Fashionista--a new name for your blog, o Two Legs? You know, it is so much easier for cats. They always look good in the same glossy coat.

re: Skivvy-Gate: I have to agree that out of the package is a no-no. I don't know if it is the chocolate shag carpet upon which these suckers are displayed, but they have a sort of greyish cast, and no amount of bleach is gonna convince me to put those Joe Boxers on "the man."

And SD, I don't think a blog for colorblind people looking for tips to dress themselves would make much difference. I mean, it's nice and all but some colors just don't look the way they should, apparently. And I don't think any tip will change that. Besides, it would be a one-and-done blog.

"Ok, having trouble matching? Me too. Here are three tips to never forget. First, screw matching colors. It's just not gonna happen. Second, pick a pattern, any pattern you like. It doesn't matter. Third, always, and I mean always, wear denim or khaki. You won't go wrong. You CAN'T go wrong.

Well, thanks for reading my blog. The only blog because now there's nothing to talk about, no hip trends we'd care about, what's in this season, who'd look fat in what jeans. None of that matters because without being able to match colors, it's all a moot point. The one I feel sorry for is someone who is both colorblind AND left-handed. Oh wait, that's me. Dammit!"

re: #34: I almost joked on my Ensure at both of those, but the "nine-inch zipper," "waist panels," and free appliqued vest with each purchase of the SNL mom jean-- wins!! Sorry Cuddle--TOO funny! There is no reason to wear mom jeans--or belly-button chafing jeans, AG--many comfy styles available! I sit firm on that statement ;)

Now, I think you could push a whole grumpy blog out of the fashion topic, with such jewels as "First, screw matching colors." It could be a kind of "Yahdude's Guide to Fashion." Pike has already contributed with such suggestions as: Cut off all pants at the knee. :)