A blog for me to share my experiences of depression, from the mundane to the painful, in order to keep my main blog for nice things.
To understand why I started this blog, please see my opening post (http://blackbettyleopard.blogspot.com/2011/05/message-in-bottle.html).
If you have any concerns about what I write, please come and speak to me, either leave a comment or email betty_leopard@hotmail.co.uk

Saturday, 20 August 2011

There's just no helping some people

Unfortunately, I think I may be one of those people.
I don't mean that to sound like I don't think I'll ever get better and that there's no point in trying as nothing will work. It's more like a realisation that some part of me does sabotage my own happiness, and that needs to be addressed before anything really positive can stick.
I'm thinking as I type here, and some of this might get a little heavy.
I have been told I'm my own worst enemy before, but I think I'm finally starting to realise how many problems I do create for myself, both consciously and unconsciously.
I have been depressed, on and off, and to greater or lesser extents, for over 10 years. As such, it has become part of who I know myself to be. Although it's difficult to say, I don't know who I am without being depressed. I don't know what not being depressed involves.
I don't properly know what makes me happy, in a sustained, long term way.
It's something that I have discussed with my therapist but, as perverse as it sounds, I am afraid of not being depressed. Because it's unfamiliar. Because I feel secure in the life pattern I have established. Because depression brings something to my life that I worry I will lose if I am not depressed. I think I worry that if I'm 'fine', people won't care anymore.
I don't know what to do about this yet. It going to involve some serious restructuring of my thought processes, and some serious motivation. In one of those awful depression Catch-22 situations, thinking about these things leaves me in absolutely no frame of mind to do anything about it.

3 comments:

What if it wasn't you but a friend, who was depressed. If they beat it, would you care less for them? or rather be full of admiration for the effort that friend went to?I'm turning the tables on lots of things I do at the moment. "What if somebody said that to me" how would I feel? "what if somebody acted that way towards me" It's surprising how the answers are more obvious or easier to see or find.Keep going Betts there is so much more in life to enjoy when you're in a happier place. Best wishes Spanner.

Looks like comments are working again then!It is actually something my therapist asks me quite regularly, "What if someone said that to you?". It's very true, I wouldn't react the way that I expect other people will. Unfortunately a lot of my past experiences have taught me that other people aren't always as compassionate as I try to be. But these are old thought processes I need to try and break down.Thank you