OP-ED: No, I Definitely Didn't Memorize This Restaurant's Menu, And I Haven’t Practiced Saying My Order Out Loud

Friend, thanks so much for reaching out to schedule our monthly catch-up dinner for tonight. I have a crippling fear of social interaction and pass the days convincing myself that my friends all hate me, so this was a lovely surprise!

No, I’ve never been to this restaurant before, but I’m super excited to try it. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to order, and I definitely didn’t memorize its menu.

I certainly didn’t troll this establishment’s Yelp page, scrolling through photos and extremely lengthy reviews to find the hidden gem items. I can guarantee you I didn’t study the menu harder than my COMM midterm review sheet, eager to find the right dish for my palette.

Honestly, it’s kind of rude of you to assume that I ubered to this restaurant as soon as you mentioned it to see its layout and pick the best table in terms of distance from bathroom, elbow space, and aisle traffic. The fact that you even thought I asked which of the waiters and hosts would be working that night so I could introduce myself and prepare some crowd pleasing jokes is ridiculous. Excuse me? You think I went home, stood in the front of the mirror, and practiced reciting my customized order with a smile and twinkle in my eye?