There are no words to describe Rob Liefeld's comic, Zombie Jesus, which is in fact about Jesus coming back as a zombie. Well, actually, "BATSHIT CRAZY" and "SHITBALLS STUPID" both seem to be pretty apt descriptions. Yes, let's go with those. (Gamma Squad)

Because there's not better love than nerd love, Bruce Campbell is going to be officiating an Evil Dead-themed wedding between to people at a zombie convention. Seriously, hail to the fucking king, baby. (Topless Robot)

Alright, this is a fun one: in today's quiz, you're given the opening line of a song and you have to figure out the name of the song. I actually secretly love these games, so yeee! (Litely Salted)

Just in case any of you needed another reason to hate Charlie Sheen, the guy was found by police in a hotel room while he was drunk, high, and naked and busting shit up because he thought a hooker stole his wallet. And he gets paid $1.25 Million per episode of Two And A Half Men. Fuck this shit, I don't want to live on this planet with these people anymore. (popbytes)

And here's one more reason to hate Charlie Sheen, although it's a bit of a stretch: Here's the SFW trailer to Hustler's porn spoof of Two And A Half Men. A quick aside here to Hustler: Slapping "This Ain't" in front of the title of a popular movie or TV show is fucking lazy and I hate your writers for making the rest of us look bad. (Warming Glow)

I know Stacey used to have some weird thing for Bai Ling, and at first I totally never understood it. But now? After seeing her rub her vagina on a car during an event to benefit cancer patients? I totally get it now. Bai Ling's vagina is magical. (Agent Bedhead)

So Aaron Sorkin reportedly tried getting into Charlize Theron's pants, because Aaron Sorkin is a heterosexual male with a penis, and Charlize pretty much shot him right down. The best part? His pick-up lines are decidedly non-Sorkin. (Celebslam)

California Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman released a statement that she wanted California to return to how it was 30 years ago when anything possible. Except whoops! 30 years ago, the governor of California was the guy running against her today. Awwwwkwaaaaaard. (AngryBlackLadyChronicles)

Oh Christ, Disney is officially the biggest cocktease ever now, because they just released a snippet for one of Daft Punk's songs from Tron Legacy and it's obviously amazing. On a side not to the Academy: We all know you guys fucked up last year by not nominating Karen O. Well, this is your chance for a bit of redemption. Do it assholes. (Film Drunk)

Carey Mulligan finally dumped Shia Loboeuf, probably because she realized that even with a beard he still looks like a fetus. Anyway, now she's dating Tom Sturridge, and while I have no idea who he is, he wasn't in a Transformers movie, which means I approve. (Celebitchy)

Are your high-fives becoming too monotonous and predictable? Then try these EXTREME HIGH-FIVES. That is, if you can survive amputation and extreme blood loss. (College Humor)

Alright, I was totally gonna go out and buy a pumpkin and make a super sweet Jack-O-Lantern today, and then I saw this thing and realized that it put even my non-real theoretical Jack-O-Lantern to shame. I'm going to eat out of self-pity now. Thanks awesome Jack-O-Lantern! (Buzzfeed)

Oh. My. FUCKING GOD. Here's a video of a bulldog daddy meeting his little baby bulldog daughter for the first time. Prepare to have the cockles of your heart warmed.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin', and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.