2011-2014. The original blog that got it all started. It represents reflections I had and sharing I did, during a time period in my life, freshly post autism diagnosis, worsening illness, though I wasn't yet clear on things. I was trying to process and going through a lot of hard learning. There's some good stuff in here, which helped others, and there's also some stuff that no longer reflects my situation and/or evolved insights. Please read with this in mind.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Entry 40: Another Sick Day (Yep, still happening…and some.)

Feeling really sick and weird today. I need to out for a walk, in nature,
somewhere…but gentle. The light of day is almost painful, even though I wish it
wouldn’t be, because I love it too.

These episodes have been happening often during
this time. Maybe my systems’ been very upset from the recent shock/re-trauma
involving that psychiatrist. The effects that caused me, emotionally, ripped me
up inside but I’m not ready to elaborate, nor do I have the right words at this
time. I have tried my very best to get back up, but the whole thing made a me a
lot sicker. Ironic that: when I was trying to ask for help. It’ll be the last
time, I think.

I often feel shaky, but blood sugar is fine. My gut
is so bad right now, in ways too personal and plus… it feels like I'm breathing
ammonia or something. Everything feels inflamed, backed up, not operating
properly. Delayed, clogged, tender, icky, and sore. Been more bruising lately,
side of my leg is bruised just from pressing up firmly against the wall of that
ride at the fair on Saturday.

There’s this weird lump feeling in stomach has
continued for weeks. It’s really bothering me, and stressing me out. It’s feels
like a little balloon or something. I don’t know what to make of it, and
neither has any doctor so far. Maybe I need an ultrasound? If my GP and the
system he loyally adheres to has any sense of ethics at all.

Well, I'm going with a worker tomorrow, to report
it's still happening despite some protocol tests coming back with nothing, and
that it's time to take the next step, perhaps. I’m not going to say anything else
but that, and hope for it. These people like everything basic...you make it complicated
or challenging, they put their backs up.

I’ve been having these odd vertigo spells too…feels
like the floor isn't level sometimes. I think it's the head/neck injury thing
that is apparently only going to get worse without therapy, but who knows.Someone else told me it could be viral. I
could try some anti viral herbs I guess. I try to ignore these things and carry
on, which I usually can (even amid emotional pain over what happened to me
recently) but, todays’ a pretty bad day.

It’s hard to keep up with the costs of a specialized
chiropractor, a very particular and specialized diet involving a lot of costly
items, supplements that are from food and not synthetic (they're costly… and
the synthetic ones seem to bother me) and professional naturopathic management
of all of it. I can’t sustain that in my position. It’s just too hard. My
children have to come first and even then, I wish I could give them more…if
only!

That's what this has all come to, pretty well. I
absolutely do not trust my issues getting taken care of in the public system, not
after the last “stab.” I just have to have faith in myself.

Honestly, I don’t trust anything will be addressed within
a safe time limit and before it's too late; at least conventionally, anyway. I
just feel I need to take it into my own hands, to prevent and protect myself.
The other options is to give up and slip into self medicating. Once again, I
find myself at the crossroads.

Like I've been saying for 4 years now...stuff is
going on. I fear that proof I haven't been lying, all this time, could come too
late. This means, when things are not reversible.

I could be wrong about aspects, but I know what I
feel overall, and in general. I can't control the outcome either way. I feel
alone in that. Alone and pretty broke. Does it make me sad that the rich have
access in which many others don't? Yeah...but what can I do about it?

Sometimes too, we feel more awful than it is, that’s
fibro and sensory processing issues, and so it’s hard to know. However, sometimes
it really is that bad. Again, it’s hard to know without testing. Testing that
could save lives via prevention… but it isn’t worth anything to the rich and
greedy...

If I were rich myself, I could get private tests
right now and know what's going on. Then, I would share about it with others. But
I'm not...and neither are most of us...and that is a childish wish compared to
reality. Adequate ethics in healthcare won't exist for at least years. My
belief is something as personal as healthcare shouldn't even be a business...as
far-fetched as that sounds. Maybe someday, it will exist as a mutual charitable
service. Someday. 100 years from now? Sheesh.

No, I don't want to be a martyr for the severe
inadequacy of healthcare, especially regarding autistics… but if I can make a
difference, even if I myself am affected, it's better than nothing.

I doubt I am exactly “dying” right in the super
near future or whatnot. I probably just feel like I am, mostly, though what I
feel is real in some regards, and again, I stand in this truth. I may just be
very sensitive to it all. It’s hard to know what level of seriousness I’m
dealing with, or how close I ma too seriousness.

It’s so hard to know with such little
investigation, let alone belief in what I’m desperately trying to describe to
these doctors who not only don’t understand my language, but attatch it to the
defamation written about it, which is supposed to “describe” its’ intent. Oh
please! Ultimately, both naturally occurring and by my own hand too, my body is
beaten up inside.

I've been slowly getting worse due to lack of
adequate care, and severe stress from he recent trauma of what that reoprt has
said about me… and again, I am telling the truth. The causes for it are
multiple, and yes I have a few answers and leads.

However, my own particular individual constellation
of problems, in which results in my presentation of illness, has not nearly
been fully decoded. Everything is fluid and overlapping, and healthcare is too
compartmentalized and textbook to help people with a variety of overlapping
issues.

I've felt unwell in some way, (especially fatigued,
weak, or something like that) forever, actually. But no one ever listened, so I
learned to cope. I had few words many days, due to frustration. I have a lot more bad days than this, but
usually I go mute (too mute to even write.) It’s truly been to some
extent my whole life (those closes to me will verify this.) It's because the
way that I am, and look on the outside, I cope well, I’m bright, I “seem fine.”
They just don’t get it. I have very little energy to try with this anymore,
other than to turn to this journal.

I've pretty well been punished for spewing truth
systems don't want to hear, I almost can’t help myself with my divergent ways
of communicating. I shoot myself in the foot, it seems.

This has had me so badly misunderstood and fallen
by the wayside. I’m not the only one,
but I’m painfully aware. It’s a daily exercise to try and let go. It’s hard for
me, as one can see. It’s hard for a lot of aspies, and this is somewhat
warranted, though at what point can we reign it in; before it hurts us too
badly.

My truth will eventually come out in whatever way
it does, and so will answers. I'll then, and even now too, do my best to put
purpose and reason into all of this seeming insanity and agony.

In the mean time, I am reaching for snapping out of
this downtrodden rut that the way I physically feel has me in, and taking
another shot at a very whole/raw based/naturally sourced diet with 100%
abstinence of all Rx, and a few food-sourced vitamins, to buy me
time/energy/spoons or whatever. It'll be like solving a rubix cube to make it
work, but I’m doing a lot of cooking from scratch which saves $. As if I have
the energy for that...but I seem to pull rabbits out of hats everyday that's
just me.

I am pretty good at making healthful foods when I try,
and I even enjoy it. I should start recording, photographing,involving my kids in, and sharing more
recipes. That might be a positive diversion.

So, must continue to move forward… as much as I can,
depending on how well I feel. I bet if I stary applying myself to a recovery
methods I’ll start to feel better. The upset of what that psychiatrist did to
me has really knocked me off my feet, and now, I feel it physically.

Ultimately, these kinds of health issues are
happening to scores of people…regardless of whether or not they’re tyring to
“sweep it” under the rug. My awareness of what is going on may be more
painfully precise, which is one hell of a double edged sword Lastly; I’m boldly
speaking out about it. I can’t help it…but the has to be a “the end” soon.
Oftentimes, I feel like a damn broken record.