Going on the Ride of Your Lifehttp://blogs.psychcentral.com/ride-life
Daily exercises to help you with your life with Ran ZilcaTue, 28 Jul 2015 14:44:04 +0000en-UShourly1Be Yourself, Act Yourself, and Be a Herohttp://blogs.psychcentral.com/ride-life/2015/07/be-yourself-act-yourself-and-be-a-hero/?pk_campaign=feed&pk_kwd=be-yourself-act-yourself-and-be-a-hero
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/ride-life/2015/07/be-yourself-act-yourself-and-be-a-hero/?pk_campaign=feed&pk_kwd=be-yourself-act-yourself-and-be-a-hero#commentsTue, 28 Jul 2015 14:41:58 +0000http://blogs.psychcentral.com/ride-life/?p=219

We tend to overlook it in daily life, but people are vastly different. Even in the exact same situations, each of us provide our own unique, subjective interpretation and respond […]]]>

We tend to overlook it in daily life, but people are vastly different. Even in the exact same situations, each of us provide our own unique, subjective interpretation and respond differently based on differences in culture, background, and genes. This is especially true for the way we deal with challenges. Facing the same challenges, some people may respond with humor while others respond by controlling their emotions or by taking swift action. These unique predispositions to deal with things in one way or another define our very identity. They are our “Character Strengths”, our capacity to behave, think, and feel in certain ways that brings out the best in us.

In a previous post, I quoted the Merriam Webster Dictionary’s definition of the word “strength”, namely: “Having or marked by great physical power, having moral or intellectual power, or having great resources (as wealth or talent)”. Character Strengths are invaluable personal resources that give you tremendous power when you use them. Some of the common ones identified by extensive research carried at the VIA Institute include kindness, honesty, gratitude, zest, perseverance, and curiosity. Researchers also found that the utilization of one’s individual strengths has a contribution to well-being, while unused strengths are tied to a downward spiral in one’s emotional state. Simply put, being yourself and acting yourself is good for you.

Before I went on Ride of Your Life, I focused on “building strength” towards the Ride. At the time I was a novice rider preparing to a coast-to-coast ride, and felt underprepared and unqualified. I tried to imagine all the possible situations and challenges I could encounter, and the type of behaviors and mindsets I needed to adapt to address them. I did not realize that in doing so, I inadvertently found myself focusing on my weaknesses – on the things that I need to improve, and on the behaviors that do not come to me naturally. Then I went on the road and very quickly realized that I can allow myself to feel confident about my ability to deal with the road had in stock. Albeit not the strengths of a stereotypical tough biker, my creativity, perseverance, and sense of humor have kept me safe and out of trouble, and allowed me to experience things in a new and unexpected way. All I had to do was follow the cliché and be myself.

Perhaps more importantly, I quickly discovered that I sometimes need to use the strengths of others just as my strengths are needed by the people around me. Strength is a means of overcoming challenges. A person who is physically strong is capable of lifting heavy weights or enduring a long run. But the dictionary definition of the word “strength” (as well as the scientific research work) talks about strength as something individual. Different people have different strengths, different “mental muscles”, and as a result not all challenges are created equal. One’s major obstacle could only be a small speed bump for another. Different challenges call for different strengths. In some situations you have “the right tools for the right job” but in other situations, someone else does. One of the most important things I learned on the road is that knowing my strengths gives me an opportunity to be an everyday hero. All I have to do is identify situations where my fortes help others and are needed the most, and step in. The first step on this “heroic journey”, to be a hero for your children, spouse, friends, or coworkers, is simply to know who you are.

On Sunday morning I flew back from Orlando to New York, after attending the World Congress on Positive Psychology. To my good fortune, the airplane had TV service, so I […]]]>

On Sunday morning I flew back from Orlando to New York, after attending the World Congress on Positive Psychology. To my good fortune, the airplane had TV service, so I could spend the two hours staring at the screen embedded in the seat in front of me. Across all channels, everyone was talking about the US Supreme Court’s ruling about same-sex marriage. Clearly big news, summarizing a pendulum of eleven years of legislation and court deliberations, which started back in 2004 in Massachusetts. It was not surprising that this was the most-discussed topic of the hour, yet I found it interesting that it was not only reported, but almost unanimously celebrated. Instead of the typical balanced and analytical news, the programs reported outbursts of festivity in different parts of the country, weaving in interviews with senators and state officials from both sides of the political spectrum, most of which congratulated the decision and supported it.

Even more surprising was the fact that the on-screen celebration was not limited to programming. In between the programs, a commercial for a known pharmaceutical brand talked about families, showing same-sex couples. Unusual for a commercial company to take a clear supportive stance on a controversial topic. When I arrived at Newark airport, all newspaper stands showed the rainbow flag flying in different places in the country – with no mention of controversy or debate.

How is it that a topic that was deeply divisive for years becomes so vastly supported, almost unanimously perceived as a victory? The psychological explanation is simple:

The ruling is a statement that reflects the country’s perspective about the rights and the acceptance of all minorities, and all of us are minorities in one way or another. There is always some aspect about each of us that is at the tail of the statistical curve. Some of us are much fatter or thinner than average, much taller or shorter, talk with an accent, very shy or very loud. And, belonging to a minority group is always a source of stress, because minority status is focused on the differences between individuals, resulting in dehumanization, causing stress and health risks. If we can feel comfortable with the way we are different, our well-being improves. The German poet Heinrich Heine said that “where they have burned books, they will end in burning human beings.” But the opposite is also true: in a place where no book is burned, everyone feels safe. As of Friday we live in a society where each of us can feel comfortable with the way he/she deviates from average. This, in turn, gives all of us, however we stand on same-sex marriage, a boost of well-being.

When we meet people who seem to be both successful and happy, we tend to think that they are happy because they are successful. Many of us were brought up […]]]>

When we meet people who seem to be both successful and happy, we tend to think that they are happy because they are successful. Many of us were brought up to think that if we worked hard and succeeded, happiness will naturally follow. In the past few years, researchers have re-examined the relationship between success and happiness, and found that this seemingly-obvious assumption of success leading to happiness is inaccurate.First, happiness is a by-product of the pursuit of success, rather than successful accomplishments [1]. Individuals who are actively engaged in the pursuit of goals that are meaningful to them, experience a range of positive emotions and become happier. Simply put, one does not have to succeed to be happy – the more important thing is to try. In addition, the relationship between success and happiness also goes the other way around: While success could lead to greater happiness, happiness also leads to success [2]. People who experience more positive affect over time are more likely to earn more money, perform better at work, and are better team players [3].

The net of it is that rather than focusing on performance and accomplishments as our ultimate goals, we would be better off:

Focusing on our happiness as the ultimate goal, and:

Choosing goals that are meaningful to us, even if we sometimes fail to accomplish them

Yet instead, our society often goes in the opposite direction of being fixated on achievement. The fundamental mistake of placing success before happiness now starts at a very young age. While in school, the most important thing is to get into the right college. In many communities this could mean getting into the “right” private school in kindergarten. Many children find themselves focused on their performance: at school, in sports, in playing musical instruments, etc. By the time they graduate from high school, many young people would have sacrificed much of their teenage years. They find themselves getting into the right college, obtaining a scholarship, then graduating, landing a great first job, only to discover that the rat race continues, and now they need to push further to be promoted. Many move far from home instead of getting a job in a place where they can easily find friends, socialize, belong, and contribute. In the meantime, they may realize that they are lonely. They face a new life transition that was not there before – a new step between entering adulthood and starting a family.

The result: The average age for the onset of depression has dropped significantly. It used to be approximately 40 years of age. Now, it is 27 and continues to drop [4], [5], [6]. It’s hard to be a young adult today. Young people are becoming socially isolated, even alienated. Ironically, the saddest young adults are sometimes those who achieved all they set out to. No fun in high school and college, no friends, no girlfriend/boyfriend and a deep astonishment that they are not happy – even though they accomplished everything they had set out to do.

Research has already uncovered the paths to happiness and the risk of over-focusing on performance. To put the Happiness back in Young and Happy, young people should not only focus on performance and success, but on the range of needs and aspirations that they have: to have friends, to find a soul mate, to think, read, perhaps do a few reckless and rebellious things.

It could be a tough call though. Given the opportunity to be in the gifted class, get a better-paying job, get into an Ivy League school, would you be able to say no? Will you advise your children to say no? Please do share.

[1] Uusiautti, S. (2013). On the positive connection between success and happiness. International Journal of Research Studies in Psychology, 3(1).

I grew up in a warm country, and always fantasized about the snow. It seemed magical, romantic, beautiful, and the ultimate state of calm. As a child, snow represented the […]]]>

I grew up in a warm country, and always fantasized about the snow. It seemed magical, romantic, beautiful, and the ultimate state of calm. As a child, snow represented the world that is outside of my small country. A world that is vast and exciting, where white flakes fill the air in wintertime and people sit by the fireplace and watch them out the window. I did not have a chance to see a single flake of snow until I was 30, when I moved to New York, already a young father of a toddler. The first time it snowed after we had moved, my wife and I were so excited that we both could barely breathe. The snow was even more beautiful than we had imagined it to be. We sat in our house and looked out the window at the slowly-whitening road, and lit the fireplace in our small living room, just like in the American movies we used to watch as children.

But then, when the snow ceased to fall and stayed on the ground, we realized that it needs to be shoveled. Outside, standing in our steep driveway, the ground was slippery and the snow melted into our shoes getting our socks wet. All of a sudden, it was not that romantic anymore. We also realized that we would have to repeat this drill fairly often. From a practical perspective there was nothing great about the whole thing. The weight of the snow on the limbs of the trees made us worried that the trees would fall. We had to buy salt in advance so that the driveway does not get icy. Remember to drag the garbage cans at the curb instead of leaving it next to the garage. As you beautiful as it was, the snow became a major inconvenience and was a disruption to the things that had to get done.

Over time we started complaining about it more, sometimes even dreading it, but our two year old daughter never ceased to love the snow, and she still does today, fourteen years later. For her, and for our two boys, snow always remained something magical and a great source of joy. Instead of shovels and rock-salt, they remember snow for snow angles, snowmen, snowball fights, sliding down the driveway, and of course – “snow days” off from school. Two years ago we left New York and moved back to Tel Aviv, and now our kids miss the snow, reminisce, and talk about it.

It’s all a matter of perspective, and the adult, practical perspective, sometimes even cynical, misses out on opportunities to experience such sheer joy. Out of all positive emotions, joy is the most exuberant one. In psychology, emotions are typically mapped onto a two dimensional plane where the x-axis is valence (sad to happy) and the y axis is arousal (calm to elated, depressed to angry) [1]. In this model the emotion of joy fits in the far right upper corner – it is both extremely positive and extremely activating. Children express joy frequently because they possess the quality of zest that gradually dwindles with age.

Joy comes naturally when you appreciate the good things about things that happen to you. There’s joy to be found in almost everything: from spiritual and religious experiences, through The Joy of Sex to the joy of the snow. And one can always regain the ability to find joy in the simplest things. A few days ago, a rare snow storm hit Israel. The small village of Dalyat El Carmel in the north of the country was getting the first snow storm in over 50 years. In a radio interview, the mayor of the village sounded like a little child, waiting to participate in snow fights and to lay on his back and make snow angles. When asked how the village is preparing and about the potential dangers of the coming storm, he just kept saying how eagerly he is waiting for it to come. The tone of his voice reminded me of that childlike enthusiasm of my kids. It was pure joy.

I started writing this post in flight, on the way to New York. The plane arrived in Newark International Airport at the peak of a snowstorm. I looked out the window, all bummed out about the weather, and then realized I have a choice to make – the choice of joy. I can choose to make adult complaints or to greet the snow with the enthusiasm of a toddler.

Writing these lines now, a few days later, I am sitting in a coffee shop in Brooklyn listening to a playlist of 80s music, looking out the window at the icy snow, and my heart is bursting with Joy. The past few dyas have been cold and white, and I am still not a big fan of it. But choosing the choice of joy made my visit to New York a whole lot more fun. Joy to the world!

In a previous post, the process of dehumanization was suggested as the psychological foundation leading to the atrocities conducted by organizations like ISIS. The opposite process of humanization was then […]]]>

In a previous post, the process of dehumanization was suggested as the psychological foundation leading to the atrocities conducted by organizations like ISIS. The opposite process of humanization was then suggested as the antidote for the development of extreme, violent behavior. This idea can be summarized as follows:

When violent, savage behavior erupts (as in the case of ISIS), it has to be addressed firmly and eradicated.

Separately, it is important to understand the process that eventually leads to the creation of such violent behavior. If we understand the process, we may be able to stop or even reverse it before it evolves into violence.

Science tells us that at the heart of that process there is a psychological phenomenon called dehumanization – the act of demonizing people from a different group, making it (falsely) appear as a legitimate target of violence.

The antidote is therefore the opposite process, called humanization – where one recognizes that others share similar human qualities with them.

If humanization is indeed the antidote, and if it only works at an early stage, we should seek places where the process of dehumanization is just starting, and neutralize it by reaching out to others who are starting to form the view that we are not human like them, and prove them wrong.

What Humanization Is and What It Isn’t

Humanization is not naïve. The notion of this approach is not to respond to violence with kindness, but rather to work to nip the roots of violence in the bud by changing the way we view religious/national/ethnic differences. Furthermore, humanization is not an abstract or vague idea focused only on the cultivation of certain emotions or thoughts. At a societal level, it is a pragmatic, well-defined, scientifically-valid model that can be used to construct government policies of immigration, education, and defense. At an individual level, it is a worldview and as a personal policy by which to go about life. Yet before we can apply humanization to work in our favor, we first need to understand how the processes of humanization and of dehumanization work:

From Dehumanization to Humanization

On his Ride of Your Life interview, Dr. Phil Zimbardo described dehumanization as focused on differences, whereas humanization is focused on similarities. Statistically, this perception of similarity between two groups of people comprises two factors:

The difference between the average person in each of the two groups (or the variability between groups), and:

How different are people within each of the groups (i.e. the variability within groups).

The greater the variability between, and the smaller the variability within, the more we perceive the two groups to be farther apart. Dehumanization therefore occurs when you focus on things that are both different between you and people in another group, and also tend to be similar between you and other people in your own group. The opposite process of humanization takes place when you focus on the things that tend to be more similar between you and people in other groups, and where there is more variability within people in the group you belong to. Typically, cultural and religious characteristics surface differences, universal human values like family and community surface similarities.

Let’s try to illustrate this idea by conducting the following thought experiment: Imagine that you put people from two different groups in a room, and give one group red shirts, and the other blue ones. For example, say one group are all men from Europe wearing red shirts, and in the other group men of the Sikh religion of India, wearing blue shirts. You then ask each of the individuals to stand next to someone who is wearing something similar on their head. Since most Sikh men traditionally wear a turban, and since men in the European group are more likely to leave their heads uncovered indoors, you will probably get the Europeans crowding in one corner and the Sikhs in another. The variability between the two groups is high, and the variability within each group is low, so the perception of difference between the two groups is maximized. Viewing the room from above may look like this:

The choice to focus on headdress brings out the most visible and distinct difference between the two groups, which could possibly form a foundation to a dehumanization process.

Now, you ask people in the two groups to look at their entire clothing from head to toe, and stand next to the person who is dressed in the most similar way to them. Looking from above, the two groups will now be a little closer together. There is less of a difference between the way people in the two groups dress on average (of course apart from the color of their shirts!) but the Sikhs may still be dressed more similarly to one another, and so will the Europeans, so each group is still crowding within itself:

The dissimilarities are a now little deemphasized, and standing closer to each other makes each member of the two groups notice the individuals the other group, whereas before, the other group seemed like a single, uniform clump of people. Noticing the individuals already moves the needle towards humanizing the other group.

Next, imagine that you ask each person in the two groups to stand next to the person who is both dressed similarly to them and is about the same height. Since there are many tall and many short people in both groups, there is now more variability within groups, and the men are now more spread apart in the same space:

In this situation, some men wearing blue stand very close to ones wearing red shirts, noticing that apart from the color of their shirts, these other men are of the same height and dressed similarly.

Finally, you ask all people to ignore clothing and only arrange by height. Since people generally vary significantly by height, and since Sikh and European men are generally of the same height, the two bunches, already spread across the room, move now closer together. At this point they are completely intermixed, and looking from above the only visible difference is the color of their shirts:

In this configuration the similarities between the different individuals outweigh the differences, and a humanization process is underway.

Nice Colorful Plots, But What Does it Mean to Me Today?

Each of us has a choice in the way we view people from other groups. We could choose to focus on a dividing property (like praying in mosques) or on a property like height, making the differences disappear, humanization to take place, and empathy and compassion to naturally occur. This choice is one that each of us can make every day in the way we think about people from other religions, other countries, other races, or other cultures. Humanization goes both ways. If today we choose to show others how similar we are to them instead of how different, we may prove their dehumazing thoughts wrong, break the vicious cycle of dehumanization, and prevent tomorrow’s violence by creating a situation that reduces the motivation for conflict.

On the day that this post was finalized, more than a thousand Muslims formed a protective human ring around a synagogue in Norway. This beautiful act of humanization was a response to the attack on the synagogue in Denmark a few days before. In an interview, the event organizers made the following statement, distilling much that has been written about humanization into a concise and actionable message: “Humanity is one and we are here to demonstrate that”.

Humanity comes in many flavors and colors, but it is indeed one. And in today’s global climate is our personal duty to demonstrate it.

The atrocities we see in the news in past months raise fundamental questions about human nature. We would like to think that humans are superior to other species. When we […]]]>

The atrocities we see in the news in past months raise fundamental questions about human nature. We would like to think that humans are superior to other species. When we encounter brutal acts of violence, we say that the ones who conduct them are “animals”. Yet while animals will hunt for food or defend their home, they will otherwise strive to remain peaceful. Well-fed lions rarely attack, and cobras dance to the flute of the snake-charmer, as long as he keeps a safe distance. It is, in fact, uniquely human to go fiercely against one’s own species, to engage in violence for its own sake, and to plan murder on a massive scale. Can we humans look at ourselves in the mirror today and confidently like what we see? If aliens are watching us from faraway galaxies, how would they describe us today? Are we the predators at the top of the food chain, or perhaps a virus infecting the planet, as Agent Smith in the film The Matrix suggested?

The one thing that sets us apart from other animals is our capabilities; our intelligence, the tools we build, the way we master our environment, and above all the way we communicate and interact with each another. And capabilities open up choices. As technology advances and we become more capable than ever, the question for our generation is what we choose to do with it. Arguably, we are at a pivotal moment in the history of the human race, required to define our identity as a species for the first time. We can go down in history as the noble, benevolent leaders of the planet, or as mass murderers. It is simply a matter of choice.

The seemingly casual way in which groups like ISIS engage in horrifying acts of cruelty and murder makes it tempting to dismiss them as nonhuman, but of course, they are human. Many of them have parents waiting at home, sometimes siblings, and they probably experience a sense of friendship and camaraderie among themselves. Perhaps in some ways they are kind to one another. There is no doubt that organizations like ISIS should be eradicated. But it is also important to understand the process that leads a group of individuals to go and do what these people do. If we understood the early-stage mechanism that eventually results in the creation of this phenomenon, we would have the ultimate antidote, and perhaps even a vaccine to prevent it. An antidote that we will then use not just to stop barbaric acts of murder and genocide, but also to define our identity as a species.

Research psychologist Phil Zimbardo, best known for the Stanford Prison Experiment, studied a phenomenon called dehumanization, where the enemy is depicted as nonhuman and is demonized so it will not be spared and more easily attacked. When he and I met during Ride of Your Life, Zimbardo described dehumanization in the following way:

“Dehumanization is the central process of all prejudice and discrimination. You take an individual and you treat him or her as part of a category (based on religion, race, origin, etc.) and then all of the stereotypes of the category are dumped on that individual. It’s a filter that prevents me from knowing the real you, it prevents me from humanizing you… In 1994, the Hutu government in Rwanda goes on the radio and says, “Your neighbors the Tutsi, whom you’ve lived with for decades, are nothing more than cockroaches. Imagine that your house is flooded with cockroaches — what do you do? We’re going to have to kill them. So we’re going to give every man a machete and every woman a club; your job is to get rid of the cockroaches.” …And in 100 days, they killed 800,000 Tutsis. The weapons of mass destruction: a machete and a club. And once the killing started, it became more and more cruel. It was rape; it was beheadings.”

The process of dehumanization is the heart of the mindset that results in the type of violence that organizations like ISIS exhibit. The antidote to it, is the opposite process, called humanization. In Zimbardo’s words: “To humanize somebody is to give them an identity. It’s to see what about you is like me.”

In other words, when we recognize the similarities between us, we naturally adopt a new lens through which to see the world. A lens that is made of the compassion, empathy, and kindness of well-fed lions. A lens that views each person first as a person, and not as the religion, country, or ethnicity he or she represents. We clearly must address violence firmly where it already exists, but the more strategic task of our society is to reach out to the places where violence is only starting to brew, and to nip it in the bud by being compassionate and open-hearted to the ones who start to see us as nonhuman. To respond to verbal statements of hatred or to initial expressions of dehumanization with love and with generosity to prove it wrong. If we do this as society, we will neutralize the process that creates our future enemies, and eventually become a global human society that can be proud to look at itself in the mirror.

I realize that to some, this approach may seem naïve, unrealistic, or impractical. In the next part of this post I will present a statistical model that we can use to explain the process of humanization, how it works, and how each of us fit within it.

So, you’ve decided that to want to change your life for the better. Become happier. Be a better person. Find meaning. Be positive. Gain clarity. Reduce stress. Become more focused. […]]]>

So, you’ve decided that to want to change your life for the better. Become happier. Be a better person. Find meaning. Be positive. Gain clarity. Reduce stress. Become more focused.

Where do you start?

It used to be that the choices were limited. Only a few decades ago, a person would turn to their religion as the sole source of information, but today the world offers a multitude of movements, strategies, and spiritual traditions to choose from, all of them holding the promise of a better future.

For example, wisdom traditions like Buddhism, Vedanta, and Taoism offer both a foundation of concepts and principles alongside a set of practices. In particular, meditation practices have become mainstream. In many circles people now include meditative practices in their regimen of nutrition, exercise, and a healthier lifestyle. Such practices and concepts have also become intertwined with modern science, resulting in disciplines like Buddhist Psychology [1], Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy [2], and Positive Psychology [3]. These modern movements adopt ideas from various sources, put them under the microscope of research, and refine them into newer and improved versions. With this type of assortment to choose from, you may find that on the very first steps of your transformative journey, you are already overwhelmed with a confusing portfolio of neuroscience, psychology, medicine, popular self-help, and religion.

“I think most of the self-help work, much of positive psychology, much of all psychology, much like most religions, most of anything, is probably bullshit. It’s all air. Some of the right work I think is air. You try it and afterwards — are you objectively better? Very often — not, but you have done all you can to convince yourself…I get so pissed off by all of these movements, where there is this guru belief that this method is right, this method is truth — that is false. Sometimes, it’s right, sometimes it’s not.”

And of course, Pennebaker is right. There’s tons of BS out there, but perhaps more importantly, even the good stuff doesn’t work for everyone, and definitely not all the time. The optimal thing to do is different depending on the situation and context one is in.

Take mindfulness as an example. In past years we are repeatedly told that it’s good to focus on the present moment [5]. A range of books, training programs, TV shows, and digital mindfulness meditation programs (some developed by yours truly [5]), provide us with the means to “bring ourselves back” when our mind wanders. Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) [6] has been around for 36 years now. Mindfulness has been studied inside and out. It is definitely good for you, but there’s a *but*: It may not be best to focus on the present moment when you’re working on a product roadmap, reminiscing on your wedding day, or imagining your best possible future [7]. In these contexts, you probably want to move away from the distractions of the present moment as much as possible, so you can plan/remember/imagine. It’s all a matter of balance. When I asked Sonja Lyubomirsky of UCR about mindfulness in our Ride of Your Life Interview, she reinforced the need to have balanced time perspectives:

“There has to be a balance. The problem with the way most people live their lives today is that they are preoccupied with worry about the future and obsess too much about the past, so they need a “higher dosage of present” in their lives.”

Related to mindfulness research is the issue of mind-wandering [8]. In general, a wandering mind most definitely makes you unhappy (which we now know thanks to Killingsworth and Gilbert’s pioneering experience-sampling studies). Yet when you’re trying to be creative and come up with new ideas, it may be good to let your mind go where it wants [9]. Let it wander.

“Of course, the people are the actors on the stage of life, but — you’re never alone. There are always other actors, it depends on how you dress, it depends on what role you are playing, it depends on who’s doing the stagecraft, it depends on the props”

The bible tells us that “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under the heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1(, and there’s something to be said about doing the right thing at the right time. To simply ask yourself:

“What is the most useful thing to say or to do right now?”

“Is there a future, better context, in which what I am planning to say/do is better?”

“and if it is not good for now and not good for later, is it possible that it is utter bullshit?”

References:

[1] Kalupahana, David J. The principles of Buddhist psychology. State University of New York Press, 1987.

This Friday morning, I was walking in the snow down 1st Ave. It was 8am, and everyone was rushing to work, trying to walk quickly through the piling snow. Traffic […]]]>

This Friday morning, I was walking in the snow down 1st Ave. It was 8am, and everyone was rushing to work, trying to walk quickly through the piling snow. Traffic was backed on the avenue, and drivers were honking at each other, letting out their frustration from the weather and from the TGIF that turned into a daytime nightmare. On the side streets, some people were shoveling snow and sprinkling rock salt on the sidewalk. The snow came at the worst possible time of the day, and perhaps the worst possible day of the week.

I went into a coffee shop on the corner of 90th and 1st to escape the cold, and sat down to drink my morning cup. At the table next to me, two middle-school kids were sipping hot chocolate while playing video games on their phones, and at the same time preparing for a test. They sat across from each other, tapping fiercely on their mobile devices, while asking each other questions about the US Constitution and about the Bill of Rights. It was a perfect New York moment, as if it were staged in a move scene, and it reminded me how much I love this town. Yet I was unsure about the reason that it so clearly made me see it this way. What was it about the sight of these two boys in the coffee shop that made me feel that it was special? What made it a memorable moment to share? What is a New York moment anyway…?

I started thinking of past times where moments like this caught my attention: A group of old ladies sitting in a diner in alphabet city last winter, a businessman in a suite eating a hot dog and talking to the guy at the hot dog stand, The dog walker at the Upper West Side who is walking eight dogs and crossing the street while they pull her in eight different directions. There were similar aspects of these little scenes that make them put a little smile on your face. Getting more curious about this, I started looking up New York moments that people shared online. I found pictures of people sitting in the subway on a chair they brought from home (sometimes a whole sofa), the invention of the cronut (croissant dough, donut shape), and Monica and Ross from the TV Series Friends doing the quirkiest dance on Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

I guess New York moments are cool, because they involve self-expression: doing the weird thing without caring what people think. They also involve situations that bring together people from all walks of life, often around food (the cronut, donut, bagel, hot dog, and pizza – food that transcends social status, gender, and age). In one word – New York Moments are casual. In sharp contrast to the city’s buttoned-down, sophisticated reputation, these moments are jeans, baseball caps, hot dogs, Subway sofas, goofy jokes, and kids sipping hot chocolate. It’s that contrast between the self-important hustling and bustling rhythm of the city, and the slow, connected, mindful pace that sometimes people find in it. Such moments touch the invisible bonds between people. Bonds that can only be revealed when you stop being an attorney, a stock broker, a fashionista, or a construction worker, and allow yourself to simply be the bagel-loving human that everyone is.

Today, make it a point to have at least one NY moment. You can have it whenever and wherever you are. In the busiest time, pause for a second, talk to someone, share a bite of sugary/greasy food, laugh, or talk about the weather with a stranger. Dump your ego, and be causal about life, not taking it too seriously. If you can enjoy it like a kid playing video games in a coffee shop, there is nothing more you will ever need.

One of the things that is unique to humans is our ability to find patterns, to naturally seek and identify structure in everything we observe. Abilities like recognizing visual shapes, […]]]>

One of the things that is unique to humans is our ability to find patterns, to naturally seek and identify structure in everything we observe. Abilities like recognizing visual shapes, spotting harmonious musical arrangements, and detecting consistent concepts, all lie at the heart of human intelligence. In fact, we are so focused on finding patterns in the world, that we often falsely identify meaningful patterns in random, meaningless situations. This phenomenon, called Apophenia, is something that all of us have experienced at some point: The hidden messages when you play the Beatles records backwards, the tree that looks like a crying man, and of course the face that stares at you from the power outlet.

In the extreme, the inclination to see patterns everywhere makes us superstitious. We come up with patterns and rules that make no sense, so we can meet our desire to see structure in the chaos: Shooting a paper ball into the bin will make me pass the test (or if I miss the first time, two out of three), a sighting of a black cat will bring me bad luck (but spitting on the ground will bring things back to normal). We are sensitive to the existence of patterns in the world, even overly sensitive.

Yet when it comes to our own life; to our behavior, our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, we often fail to recognize even the simplest patterns. We are smart when we look out, but dumb when we look in. Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. So true, yet we all do it. We repeat the same mistakes or continuously miss out on opportunities, failing to recognize the patterns that emerge from the way we act.

To stop the insanity circle and detect what it is that we uselessly repeat, we must somehow try to step outside of ourselves, and try to examine life from the outside, to go away to a place where we can see ourselves without the debilitating bias of looking inside. When I turned 40, I did exactly that. I went away, rode my motorcycle across the country for a few weeks, alone on the road, and separated from my daily routine. I looked at my life from the outside did some pattern recognition. Once I could see the things that I was doing repeatedly and ineffectively, it became easy to change them, and I came back knowing what steps I should take to turn my life around.

As the New Year starts, go on the road. Think of a way you can detach yourself from your everyday schedule for a little while. Go on a silence retreat, take a road trip, or simply visit someplace where you’ve never been before. It’s not a vacation, just a means of introducing some distance from your life, so you can look at it from a different vantage point. Being away and alone will allow you to do the thing that we all do best when we look outside: identify the patterns, especially the ones that do not get you the results that you want. Once you see them, you can easily resolve to change them and create the new you in 2015.

Most people do not keep their New Year’s resolutions. More than 90% of us fail to accomplish the things that we so passionately resolved to do, only a year before. […]]]>

Most people do not keep their New Year’s resolutions. More than 90% of us fail to accomplish the things that we so passionately resolved to do, only a year before. The reasons vary, but more than often it’s not about willpower, determination, or motivation. We simply focus on the wrong goals.

When we set goals, many of us imagine the day when we would accomplish them. We think of graduation day, our wedding day, the day when we hit our target weight, or the day we would embark on a trip. The mistake in this process is small but dramatic. To pick the goals that are best for us, we need to first envision the day after.

On the day that you accomplish something great, the excitement is intense. You are on the top of the world, thrilled and exhilarated. It is a wonderful feeling, but it does not last. You adapt to it and it wears off. The next day is different. You are no longer experience the ecstasy of accomplishment, and you can truly assess your feelings about what happened: Are you still happy? How will your life be different now? Are you scared? Do you have regrets? Are you eager to get going?

The day after is the day that most books and films never portray. It’s a routine day where you wake up to a new reality, and start to experience a new chapter. If your goals are inherently meaningful to you, you will be thrilled to imagine the day after, but for goals that you are not truly and intrinsically motivated to pursue [1], you may find that your vision of that day is not as fun.

During this time of the year, many of us resolve to introduce changes in our lives. This year, when you set your new goals, don’t think about your wedding day, graduation day, or the day you hit your target weight. Instead, think of the lifelong experience as a married person, the life that waits for you as a professional, or your second morning as your new, thinner self. If this vision is meaningful to you, then pursue these goals with all of your might. If not, it may be necessary to tweak or to reconsider.

What goals are you contemplating? What does your “day after” look like?