My husband and partner of 14 years abandoned me and our two little girls (ages 1 and 4) - for a 20 year old college student. He was my best friend. His parents are destroyed, he has no friends left, he's living life like a 20 something again, got a tattoo, an apartment.... I can't even begin to imagine what happened to him, to us....

I still can't believe it and am heartbroken, angry.... you name it. Where do I go from here. My kids are in my care, he doesn't want to take care of them, he does come to visit to play with them a couple hours a couple times a week and it slices the wound wide open every time I see him. It look like him, it sounds like him, but it isn't him. He is a stranger to me.

Where do you go from here? You go the only place there is to go. Onward...

Unfortunately there isn't a really "good" answer. You're apparently still in the fairly early stages of processing all of this. It's new and the wound re-opens easily. You say you're angry and you are questioning in a "what's next?" sort of way. That's all 100% normal. You're stepping through the various stages of grief.

I agree with Jim...you go onward. You put yourself and your children first...you do everything you can to make sure your daughters don't suffer any more than they have to and you go on with your life. Betrayal..especially by someone you love and thought you would spend the rest of your life with is hard...and takes a while to get over..but..I promise you that it will get better. You need to feel better about yourself. I know it's early yet..but one thing that I found that works well is changing up your routine...what things are you interested in that he wasn't? Pursue those interests...also..make sure your daughters are protected legally and that he remains a parent to them even when he is no longer a husband to you.

yes, you need to custody and visits put into writing by a lawyer. That way, you know what days and times he'll be seeing them, and you can build into it consequences if he just doesn't show up or goes off the radar. it can also determine how much notice you have to give one another if you have to change visits.

it's going to hurt to see him, but if it becomes a routine, you will get used to it quicker. that's why scheduled visits, in writing, work better.

as for yourself, focus on you. Like mscricket said, pursue your interests. Redecorate (if that's your thing) paint your room a color you love. And there are plenty of support groups. it helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as you.

Refocusing on herself in a creative way that changes her living area to be hers sounds like a great idea to me. I'm also a big believer in therapy since when I went through depression I didn't want to put the burden of being my therapists on my friends. Yes, that's what friends are for to SOME extent, but I needed more than was healthy to expect from them. And, it really did help me fwiw to veggirl.

Veggirl, I'm so sorry you're in this position. But, as others have said, it's temporary and even though you feel like you'll never be happy again, you will be. When I got a divorce, I actually noticed the first 5 minutes I spent totally thinking about something else...it had consumed every thought for so long (even when it looked like I was focusing on something else) that it was noticable. Then, 10 minutes...30 minutes...hours...whole days...etc. went by without my thinking about it. I was moving on despite thinking my life was over, and before you know it, you will, too.

Redecorating, pinkkittie, really? That's the panacea for her worries?Posted by reindeergirl

I said "if that's your thing"

it meant do something to change the surroundings so that you're not looking at all the things that remind you of the person that hurt you. maybe that means redecorating. maybe it just means getting rid of all their stuff. maybe it means just getting out of the house more. maybe it means indulging in a hobby like gardening or bike riding.

And I didn't say it would fix anything or immediately cure her grief. it's just a way some people can shake up the routine and help get out of a rut. it doesn't eliminate the rut or make you forget it ever happened.

Jeez, jump down my throat, why don't you? I notice you dismissed all my other advice and locked onto the bit about redecorating. Brush up on your reading comprehension.

Just went through this myself. I agree with the previous posts - get a lawyer and make sure you and your girls are protected. Not only does he have to pay child support, but he doesn't get to just 'drop in' and 'play' with them. He is still a parent, regardless of whether he wants to be a husband.

Get an agreement in writing, get the divorce moving.

As for you, baby steps. Figure out what you need to get in order for you and your girls. This starts with thinking about the divorce agreement and parenting plan. But, remember, you have to call the shots. Set up your routine, what works for you and your kids. Then, tell him when he can come around to see them. Busy yourself with other things while he is there. Do not use this time to break down. Do not let him see that you are affected by him being there. Tell him that you need to set up a time to talk to him later about the parenting plan and divorce agreement. Do not hash out the details in front of your kids.

Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to get everything figured out. This is still new, you're still processing. I'm almost a year into the process, with 4 months of 'success' with our parenting plan routine and a final divorce agreement, and I'm still processing.

Be selective about what gets your attention right now. The true top priorities, that's it (you and your girls). This will be like mourning a death - all stages, in cycles. Eventually it gets easier, and one day you wake up and it's not the first thing on your mind. Stay strong.

yes, you need to custody and visits put into writing by a lawyer. That way, you know what days and times he'll be seeing them, and you can build into it consequences if he just doesn't show up or goes off the radar. it can also determine how much notice you have to give one another if you have to change visits. it's going to hurt to see him, but if it becomes a routine, you will get used to it quicker. that's why scheduled visits, in writing, work better. as for yourself, focus on you. Like mscricket said, pursue your interests. Redecorate (if that's your thing) paint your room a color you love. And there are plenty of support groups. it helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as you.Posted by pinkkittie27

Re-decorating, making changes in your life after a life changing event - such as divorce, death, loss of job - can be a "cathartic" experience and be a great comfort. It's all part of the healing process. - Good Luck!

In Response to Re: recovering from affair/abandonment : I said "if that's your thing" it meant do something to change the surroundings so that you're not looking at all the things that remind you of the person that hurt you. maybe that means redecorating. maybe it just means getting rid of all their stuff. maybe it means just getting out of the house more. maybe it means indulging in a hobby like gardening or bike riding. And I didn't say it would fix anything or immediately cure her grief. it's just a way some people can shake up the routine and help get out of a rut. it doesn't eliminate the rut or make you forget it ever happened. Jeez, jump down my throat, why don't you? I notice you dismissed all my other advice and locked onto the bit about redecorating. Brush up on your reading comprehension.Posted by pinkkittie27

It seems like a vapid thing to do. Sheesh, why not try scrapbooking, or knitting one of those frumpy Christmas sweaters?

In Response to Re: recovering from affair/abandonment : It seems like a vapid thing to do. Sheesh, why not try scrapbooking, or knitting one of those frumpy Christmas sweaters?Posted by reindeergirl

What got into you, rdg? Doing a home improvement project, if someone enjoys that type of thing, as pinkkittie originally qualified her suggestion, could give someone something positive and productive to focus on after a trauma. She can't sit and journal, cry, or talk to a therapist in all her free time. A project can be a much needed distraction, and the finished product something to feel proud of...a boost to her self esteem.

I agree with Jim...you go onward. You put yourself and your children first...you do everything you can to make sure your daughters don't suffer any more than they have to and you go on with your life. Betrayal..especially by someone you love and thought you would spend the rest of your life with is hard...and takes a while to get over..but..I promise you that it will get better. You need to feel better about yourself. I know it's early yet..but one thing that I found that works well is changing up your routine...what things are you interested in that he wasn't? Pursue those interests...also..make sure your daughters are protected legally and that he remains a parent to them even when he is no longer a husband to you.Posted by miscricket

'

Disagree. Completely. He is clearly going through something and you should try being supportive and finding out what caused this total change. Seeking legal intrvention at this point is cynical and not necessary. This sounds like the advice of someone who is bitter.

In Response to Re: recovering from affair/abandonment : ' Disagree. Completely. He is clearly going through something and you should try being supportive and finding out what caused this total change. Seeking legal intrvention at this point is cynical and not necessary. This sounds like the advice of someone who is bitter.Posted by IheartJohn

"Be supportive"? Maybe she could find him a new girlfriend? Go over and clean up his apartment and cook him a nice meal?

Seeking sound legal advice woul dbe a very prudent thing to do in her situation. In fact, she should run to a lawyer if she hasn't done so already.

Advising legal council is not cynical it's practical. She has small children to worry about and he is being a selfish, flighty idiot right now so it would be smart on her part.

I get the feeling you still want to be with this guy. I certainly wouldn't if I were in your shoes but I'm not, you are. I don't think I could have any respect for him as a man and I wouldn't be able to trust him again. There would be to much hurt and anger to deal with AND try to stay with him. BUT...You have to do what you feel is right. Please don't sell yourself short. Don't feel YOU did something wrong and need to change. This is all clearly HIS problem. Good luck with what ever YOU DECIDE.

Veggirl, I'm very sorry this has happened to you. My experience happened many years ago but I still remember the pain hearing your story. But I have gone on to a life that's satisfying and so will you.

You're going to feel a lot of anger and it's going to be hard to keep that from spiling out into all areas of your life. You have expereinced an emotional trauma and feel terribly helpless I'm sure. I would suggest putting in place a support network that needs to have objective people in it, especially a therapist. What you don't need right now is only people around you feeding your anger, like friends and family, who are also hurting from this. They mean well but won't always give you the best advice. And of course, seek legal advice, but don't feel you have to go with the first lawyer you contact, don't choose out of desperation.The better care you take of yourself the stronger you'll be for your daughters. Do the things you love as distractions to break up the negative train of thoughts that will keep running through your head. Exercise and eat properly. Establish and/or keep routines for yourself, the girls, and their father's visits. In this way you'll feel you'll have some control over your life.Remember, the divorce process, if you go through with it, is not about getting justice for what's happened to you. Living your life well, now and going forward, is where you will really be rewarded. People move in and out of our lives, some stay longer than others. He promised to stay and broke that promise. I'm sorry. There is so much that's wonderful still ahead of you even if he isn't the one by your side.Good luck.

In Response to Re: recovering from affair/abandonment : ' Disagree. Completely. He is clearly going through something and you should try being supportive and finding out what caused this total change. Seeking legal intrvention at this point is cynical and not necessary. This sounds like the advice of someone who is bitter.Posted by IheartJohn

You sound like a well-meaning teenager, wide eyed and naive, giving advice as if you were an adult. Of course, the man is going through something, but he CHOSE to go through it and deal with it by destroying his family and LEAVING his support system in the dust. His choices are not her responsibility insomuch as they affect him. It's not bitter, it's life in adulthood. People make choices, they must deal with the ramifications. The adult ramification of his decision is to need to do what he needs to do without her support...that was HIS choice, one she had nothing to do with and cannot remedy or change the effects of for him.

I don't see any evidence that Jim is a bitter person; imo he's a respectful, helpful, insightful, kind and consistent poster. I find that his advice is always worth serious consideration for its wisdom.

All this to say to veggirl, you do not owe your ex support. He chose to go through this, not only alone, but by destroying his support system. You'd be wise to get legal counsel, I totally agree with Jim.

Only a fool wouldn't call a lawyer. It's not bitter, it's reality. Hopes and dreams don't put food on the table or a roof over your head.

You need to find out what your next steps are. Does he carry the health insurance? Who pays the mortgage, the bills, childcare? If he's run off gallivanting with a near-teenager, you need to protect assets that should be going to you and your children. If he's burning through his entire paycheck, that's a problem. He has two children. They are your top priority and making sure they are cared for will require legal intervention.

IheartJohn, it is very important that their children are taking care of. She mentioned they were on Food Stamps. He should be paying her weekly for his daughter's needs. The system won't get her money for the children unless legal papers are filed.

ETA: Before someone tries to tell me I'm taking advantage of the father. I've been done this road 7 years ago. We both work full-time, so I really didn't get much support so the system doesn't always take advantage of the guy. For instance, I do and still don't get money for private school, after school program or summer camp. I do get his health insurance covered, however. Good luck Vegggirl. If you need someone to talk to about this, please let me know.

am i missing something - i didn't see anything about foods stamps in there -- anyway, i would be interviewing lawyers as well if i were the op and i would be making sure he sees the children outstide my home so i don't have to deal with him inside right now while the wound is fresh -- maybe at the grandparents -- i would certainly be getting financials ready and insisting he do the same - he should be paying child support immediately for the two kids and not the kid he is hanging around with -- that is not bitterness it is intelligence

Pink, constructive, uplifting, calming hobbies will interfere with constant, rumination and emotional stagnation. This would clearly be unhelpful.Posted by kargiver

ha ha ha, you're so wrong, kar! Everyone knows that buying some new throw pillows will solve all your problems! We wouldn't even have wars if everyone took up knitting.

the funny thing is that I don't scrapbook, knit and I don't care much for decorating. I just know a lot of people do and figured "going to independent movie theaters to watch the latest subtitled art film" was too specific to what I do when I need to shake myself out of a funk to really be helpful.