Molarball: The Return; or Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Eat SpaghettiOs Again

Also known as Friday, the day Noah had a coughing/choking/hacking-lung fit right after lunch and projectile vomited a plate of pasta, half a cheddar cheese stick and an entire sippy cup of juice. And if you think this stuff looks gross coming from the bottle, just wait until you see it come BACK UP. Exorcist remakes, take note.

We've got incoming molars, people. And we are just fucking THRILLED about it.

Birthday Party: Part Two: The Planninging; or Take Your Fucking Theme And Shove It Up Your Fucking Ass

Also known as Saturday, the day it occurred to me that Noah's birthday party was exactly one week away and my extremely laid-back, jebus-lord-he's-only-two approach to planning the stupid thing meant that THERE HAS BEEN NO STUPID PLANNING. Half the guests are vegetarian, the other half are extremely picker eaters and/or children, yet another half (shut up, the math works in my head at least) are Jason's gourmet foodie friends and when I suggested burgers on the grill and a couple boxes of veggie burgers Jason's show-offy dinner-party-loving head exploded, sort of like when I told a friend that no, Noah's birthday party doesn't have a theme. Am I supposed to have a theme?

I did break down and order a cake. I was planning to make one myself, but in this world-gone-mad-for-televised-fondant-competitions, I started to get a little stressed out over how I would decorate the cake, knowing that my nerves would get the better of me at the exact wrong second and I would end up with a cake that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAOH!

So I went to a bakery -- the kind of bakery that sells cakes shaped like handbags and baby carriages and my God, did I want to go in and request some boobs -- and ordered a damn cake.

"What's your theme?"

"GAH!"

I finally remembered that the eVite I sent out had monkeys on it, so...monkeys! Our theme is monkeys. Everybody will get a banana when they leave, and this way I don't have to worry about all the dog poop in the backyard.

BLOOD OMFG BLOOD

(This portion of our entry is dedicated to mah betches over at MamaPopTalk, who helped me ruthlessly ridicule Big Gay Top Chef Dale for being unable to operate a mandoline. The irony, it buuuurns. And has stubby thumbs.)

We had friends over for dinner Saturday night, so I decided to try out a new potato recipe. I was having issues with our mandoline, to say it nicely, and managed to nick the hell out of my finger. Jason sighed the sigh of the martyred saints and offered to take over the slicing duties.

I told him I also needed some onion slices.

Our onions were too big for the safety holder part. I told him I would just use a knife.

He started slicing the onion on the mandoline anyway.

I watched.

My brain twitched.

I shrieked.

STOP SLOW DOWN STOP STOP STOP FINGER FINGER

Anyway. That's how part of Jason's thumb ended up on our kitchen counter and why we spent the rest of afternoon at the emergency room. On the drive there (which seemed to take FOREVER, what with all the old people driving 15 mph and OMFG THIS IS A HOSPITAL ROUTE ASSHOLES, SOMEONE COULD BE IN LABOR) I tried to brainstorm other, dumber injuries (anything that involves a toilet, nudity, or something stuck up your ass) to make Jason feel better, or at least distract everybody from the Monty-Python-like fountain of blood gushing from his hand.

I did not put his thumbtip on ice or anything (I actually just stood there and screamed at it until Jason tossed it down the garbage disposal), and eventually I left him at the hospital so I could go home and finish my potato and onion gratin (it needed to bake for an hour!).

They gave him a tetanus shot and he took a cab home. Our dinner guests enjoyed the gratin.

My personal mandoline injury, made infinitely less cool by a Dora the Explorer Band-Aid.

Comments

mmm, potato and onion gratin. I make that, but I don't own a mandoline. I am now grateful. Also, this weekend must have been the weekend for kitchen slicing injuries - I gave my boyfriend the job of trimming Brussels sprouts and he managed to gouge his pinky into a bloodtastic mess. I swear, men will do anything to get out of chores.

The important thing is that you saved the potatoes. And you can still have burgers! Just choose interesting toppings. A burger's not a burger when it's topped with sliced avocado, bleu cheese, and/or pineapple, right?

And I thought I had it bad taking my 8 month old to the ER at 4 am this morning after a delightful evening of screaming and projectile vomiting. Luckily I only got apple juice/formula vomit. He's now fine and I am at work while my husband sleeps blissfully in bed with the non-screaming non vomiting child. Ear infections suck. I truely feel your pain. Misery loves company.

Sorry about the injuries. My licence plate on the front of my car decided to gouge my husband's leg a while back and we had a similar visit to the emergency room. Long Story.

Birthday parties...my twin girls are turning 1 October 27. Theme...the damn theme will drive you CRAZY! I think we finally decided on Mikey Mouse...it's their favorite cartoon. Good luck on the birthday planning.

Ok,I am a non-food show watching, non-inbred hillbilly. What is a "mandoline"?

Relax. Breathe. Noah isn't going to remember whether or not he had a theme! Let yourself enjoy him on his big day and not worry about the cake or the gawddamn hamburgers. It's about impressing NAOH(!), not anyone else.

I hope it goes really well. May the molars come quickly and all fingers remain intact.

That's why someone invented Cuisinarts. Just stick that slicing contraption in the top and let it do the work. No more severed limbs and a lot less drama on weekends. I guess Jason is going to like that particular potato dish a little less now that he's been a casualty to its preparation.

That green gloppy stuff looks hideous, and even though the comments there swear it's tasty, I cannot imagine drinking it. Though the idea of grossing out my co-workers by drinking it at work is appealing to me.

Theme? "Birthday". There's a theme. Gah. Mine's only 5 months old. I suppose I should start planning her April birthday party now, yes?

So I just looked up mandoline on Wikipedia because I didn't know what it was. First of all, Wikipedia describes it as a "dangerous utensil." Second, it turns out I own one. My aunt gave it to me, but it looked too terrifying to use. So it's been gathering dust in a cabinet ever since. Boy am I glad that I was too chicken to try it out!

Get on google and look up "cut resistant glove". They make a glove with stainless steel threads and stuff made for mandolin users. Yeah, I had my share of bloodletting from my mandolin until I got my glove. Actually if you read the instructions that came with your mandolin it also suggests one of those. At least mine did..

Of course, you're talking to someone who buys Sesame Street band aids for a household that has no kids).

I have been projectile vomited on a couple of times, mind you - I used to teach swimming, and for some reason people thought that if their darlings were too sick to go to daycare/preschool, they were ok to go to swimming lessons.

My husband recently fractured his wrist / injured a ligament when our FOR SALE SIGN FELL ON HIS ARM. I shit you not. No, really. It was in our bedroom window (we don't have a front yard) and fell out, coming down on his wrist like a guillotine (his description, concocted to make the injury sound less pathetic). He's been in a wrist brace for 2.5 weeks and only this weekend was able to pick our child up out of the crib for the first time.

My brother, age 3, was given a knife by me, age 4, so that we could cut open our oranges. I took a small knife, while I gave him a turkey carving knife (I'm a generous sister like that). He proceeds to bring the knife up in the air and full force down onto his orange, except he slips... and cuts his damn thumb right off above the knuckle. He didn't actually cut *through* the bone, but he did dislocate his thumb, making his thumb hang off of his hand by a mere cm of skin. So nasty. While I was vomiting (seriously) he ran into the bedroom where my parents were still asleep and woke my mom up, who screamed and passed out (she doesn't do too well with the blood). My dad drove him to the emergency room and my brother still has a long and thick scar around his thumb 22ish years later.

We only have batman and hello kitty bandaids. I did come across a page in Parents magazine for a site you could buy ones that look like strips of bacon. I spent Sunday in the express care (express my fat ass) with my 15 year old son a giant abcess on his ass. I'd rather deal with a cut off finger tip. UGG>

Order everything from a deli. Or a barbque place. Or, hey, is it too late to make it a potluck?! Really, burgers on the grill and lots of toppings (as mentioned above) sounds good to me. Then again, I can't cook worth a damn! And you know, unless it's a life threatening food allergy, I don't give a SHIT what other people's food preferences are. It's my house and my party. Don't like the meat platter from the grocery store deli? Eat something else thankyouverymuch. Hope the party goes well!

Theme just means what kind of character crap you like on your paper plates and plastic tablecloth...it's no big deal and monkeys are fine. Although it may be tough to find a monkey pinata...you ARE getting a pinata, aren't you?! (I'm just joshing!)Personally I'm a fan of the Photo Cake--but then, my son turned two 8 years ago, so what do I know? Hope Noah has fun!

Threw it down the garbage disposal!?! OMFG - that is too goddamn funny! How big was it?

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Oh, and B turns 2 in two weeks, and I haven't even talked to anyone about any sort of celebration... party? UH - wha? Maybe just scattered relatives and a store-bought cake? Like she's gonna remember... (I'm destined for Mother of the Year TWO years in a row people).

1. Molars suck. Ass.
2. Theme? Birthday. My stock answer for every freaking one of Seth's parties.
3. Dale and the mandoline. OMFG. Work it! You are on TOP CHEF. And as much as I hate Hung, he KILLLLLED IT.
4. Being the wife of a chef...injuries involved with cooking are heinous, heinous affairs.
5. I was told once, with much disdain, that I have the mouth of a sailor. I happen to like my "Sailor Mouth." I felt cold and alone. Until now. Fucking RIGHT. If you ever come to the mountains of NC, we will drink wine until filthy talk ensues. I'll call my family to join us. They taught me all I know.

I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and love, love, love, the way you write of life's peril's and joys! I have 3 kids one of which just turned 2....molars cutting? Holy Crap YES! Themed birthday party....Hell No! I have found that the pressure of planning parties only increases as they get older (I have a 5 year old and 7 year old also). Soon you will also be expected to come up with some bull shit adorable little party favor for each child that comes to the party. And we aren't talking a pencil and some stickers. My kids have actually received gift cards to various establishments (all of which I used of course since they had no clue what it even was). My point is go easy for the 2nd. The Monkey cake will be great. Just sit back and enjoy Noah trying to figure out why there are so many damn people at his house and why he should go slow opening presents.

P.S. I came across your page after a google search on 2 year olds with speech delay. I am in the same boat and I thank you very much for the information you posted. It has helped me tremendously.

Rest assured the thumb tip that went down the garbage disposal could not have been reattached...Jason didn't slice through bone or anything, just a decent chunk of the fleshy top part oh my god I cannot continue talking about this without wanting to throw up.

Anyway, there wasn't anything else to do with it besides tossing it down the disposal...seemed like the best course of action at the time, lest it end up cooked in the gratin.

He took the bandage off tonight DURING DINNER, AT THE TABLE. I love that man and will button all his buttons while his thumb is out of commission, but holy hell, that was gross and wrong.

Dora ROCKS! The mandoline? Meh, not so much. You don't even want to hear about the gum-ball incident of '05. Suffice it to say it was not pretty.

And I also realized the "forgotten" party, WITH MY SECOND CHILD! To be fair, I DID have a lot of horrible things going on at the time. So he had a "Backyardigans" party. My mom made the cake. Pablo, by the way. It was a HUGE hit.

My daughter's birthday is also 30 September so I am feeling somewhat crazed alongside you. Especially when I stood at the checkout today and so the amount the bill came to...all for a First birthday party that she won't understand or remember!

Some sippy cups come with a straw instead of a spout and those are perfectly acceptable in speech development. They actually kind of help. My daughter won't use anything but the straw sippies. Not because she has to, but because she's so darn picky.

Ugh...theme? Yeah right.. doesn't happen at my house either. I'm the queen of birthday party planning procrastination. In fact, this year, I planned the whole event in a record 36 hours; with every intention of making cupcakes that didn't happen... ended up buying them from the bakery and oh what a wise decision. I did forget a few things though... but hey, we can't be expected to remember everything can we?

when people asked me what the theme for my wedding was, I said, "wedding". When they persisted, I said, no, seriously, the theme is "two people getting married". why does everything have to have a theme now?

First, I love your blog, it's one of my new favorites since I'm still pretty new at all this. Ouch to both your fingers, I hope you're healing up well. I think that "birthday party" should be theme enough.

Funny...I changed the comment policy here because it's been freaking AGES since I got ANY rude comments and I figured it was unnecessary. Seriously! The only comments I've deleted all year were the ones from that crazy guy who kept posting chapters of his white p0wer manifesto. And now that I dialed back on the YOU WILL GET DELETED language, I'm getting them semi-regularly again. [They don't bother me at all, guys, so feel free to just ignore people like that. But thanks for swooping to my sippy cup defense.] I don't know why, but I find this hilarious. Trolls with no real reading comprehension who still take two seconds to read about the comment policy. Ha!