An Adventure – The First Naked Bar Dance

*Disclaimer – The story below is as true as I remember it. But I was pretty drunk at the time.

It looks so innocent...

This story takes place probably during my third or fourth year of college. Definitely not my fifth.
So I’m in this bar (as I often was). On a Sunday afternoon (when I often was).
Me and the bartender (whose name I just realize I have completely forgotten) are hanging out. I’m drinking up the last of the money I had, but that’s ok. I spent a lot of time in this bar, and really never wanted for a drink. When I was ahead, I spent it all, when I was behind, they covered me.

So Bartender and I are just shooting the breeze. It’s a beautiful spring day, so no one is around.Just the two of us. There might have been some card playing, but I don’t recall…

In walk Jimmy and the boys, back from a day at the pitch and putt. They’re laughing and telling stories, ragging on each others golfing as they settle in at the bar.

Jimmy pulls out a small wad of cash. “Aright fellas, what are you having?” Everyone calls out their drink orders.
Jimmy turns to me.
“Sorry Jimmy, I’m tapped”
“That wasn’t the question, Guap. What’ll you have?”
See what I mean? It was that kind of bar. So I get another beer.
This goes on for several rounds. We’re telling stories, throwing darts, and I’m close to hammered by the middle of the afternoon.
So Jimmy calls out for another round. The Terror declines a beer, says “Give me a Jameson. I can drink that smoother than anything else.”
(There? Did you see that? That was my cue.)
“Hah”, I call out. “I can drink that smoother than you”
The Terror gives me the once over, sees that I’m drunk. We’d been hanging out a long time.
“If I drink this smoother than you” he says, “What do I win?”
At this point, I should have shut up. But I’m me. So I didn’t.
I stand next to him at the corner of the bar, thinking a moment.
“If you drink that smoother than me, I will dance naked…” – open my hand and slap the bar top…”On”…slap..”this”…slap…”BAR!!!”
SET ‘EM UP!

Bartender pulls another round, sets up a filled rocks glass of Jameson for The Terror, sets up a full rocks glass of Jameson for me.(For the record, there was nothing smart about this. Having once sucked down half a fifth of Jack Daniels once, I never developed a like for Whiskey. More of a tequila man, me…)

Everyone watches as The Terror downs his shot. Smooth.
All eyes turn to me as I down my shot. Smooth.
“I don’t know, Guap”, chimes in one of the guys.”I think Terror was smoother”
“What?!?” I shoot back, surprised. Considering I was drunk enough where balance was now an issue, I thought I downed it pretty well. One quick shot, no spillage, no dribbling. (I don’t have to like a liquor to give it respect. I’m classy that way.)
Nods and murmurs of agreement form the guys. They thought John was smoother.
But I’m a man of my word.”CLEAR THE BAR!!!” I shout as my battle cry.
Everyones eyes fly all the way open in surprise as I start getting out of my shirt.
“Guap”, says The Terror, “You don’t have to do this.”
CLEAR THE BAR!!!” as I take off my boat shoes.
“Dude” says Jimmy, “you really don’t have to do this”.
“CLEAR. THE. BAR!!!”
“He’s doing it fellas. Move your drinks!”

I looked better than this...

The bar at this place was a long U – twenty feet along the length, two five foot sections at the ends. I was at the corner of the bottom (furthest from the door) of the bar.
They cleared the bar.
I hopped up in the altogether and started to dance my naked self down towards the front.
Now above the bar was a lowered section of roof. I’m about six feet tall, and I had about 4 feet of room, so I was hunched over. Remember that. It will be important in a minute.
So I’m dancing down the bar, hunched over, knees wide for balance and because there is really no way to keep them in.
The guys are laughing themselves silly, and I’m trying to see and not fall over.
I make it to the end of the bar, down the return and turn around.

So now you have a pretty good idea of the scene. Me, naked, dancing on top of the bar, knees wide for balance, turning back around.
What you don’t know, because I haven’t mentioned it yet, is the girl. Sitting in the corner of the bar. Right where I’m starting to turning around.
She is sitting there, head turned away, hand over her face.
She picks that moment to look up to see if it’s safe.
As I’m halfway through my turn.Knees spread. Right. In front. Of her.
Fortunately, I’m already bent over, so I don’t have to yell as i slur “I’m sorry, I lost a bet”.
She “Eeps” and hides her face again.

...but probably not as good as this.

I stumble back down the bar, and get off, to the cheers and applause of the guys. Who hid my clothes.
they left behind my boat shoes and belt. So I put those on, hung a couple of strategic napkins from the belt and ordered another beer.
Jimmy couldn’t stop laughing, but managed to sputter out that we all hadn’t eaten in a while, and we should all take a walk up to Dunkin Donuts to get some food.
I was halfway out the door before they pulled me back.

“I think you’re one up on each other” Hotspur pointed out. John’s eyes met Guapo’s, and they held each other close as they whispered sweet nothings into each others’ ears, kissing each other tenderly as they…

Oh.My.GAWD- enough already with the Pete Rose in his underwear pic. Now the next time I see him signing autographs at the Grocery store, I will only see this vision. Thanks H.E. and Mr. El Guapo- thanks ALOT.

LOL!! Great story….and you tell it very well. Interesting story to start my Monday morning. I love the part where you slap your hand on the bar….I’m pretty sure it’s universal….when someone slaps a bar…something interesting is about to happen! : )

I have hundreds of Slapped Bar stories from that place, Alex…literally, it was my home for about seven years…
Glad you liked it. I don’t mind being the joke, as long as it’s funny and there’s no malice involved…

Now that’s a story worth telling! A thing like that requires the perfect alignment of colossal guts and impaired judgement up the yin yang to come together at just the right moment. You should have ended up marrying the poor girl at the end of the bar. Think what it would have added to the story!

😥 (as in I laughed until I cried – just in case the emoticon wants to be a jerk face and not transform) Have I mentioned that you are the Dude of the Month yet? Oh yeah I did well I take it back….You Guapo are The Dude – forEVER. I wish I had gone to college with you! We probably woulda got into trouble with the shenanigans cause I am always game for one on a bet or bar too! I like whiskey – Irish. and Tequila – ug that’s a good story NOT…..Hahahahahaha you have a way of telling these stories so that we the readers – and I am just going to go ahead and speak for us all – cause I got it like that if I want – are transported to the location and witnessing first hand that of which you speak! Thank you for a wonderful Monday morning start – no don’t look at the time… I saw it in my mailbox but had some work to finish first so the anticipation was cool then the delivery – Stellar!!! Guffaw..chortle snort (I sometimes snort when I laugh) LMAO coolness You ROCK the Drunk Naked Bar Dance. The DUDE abides!!!!
(um yea tho the Pete Rose pic a little scary but its all good. )
🙂 Peace.

Thanks, lizziecracked. I got yardage off these antics for a few years after I stopped going there – hearing the stories referred to in other places.
I get the feeling if we hung out, they’d still be telling the stories.
And there would be several police jurisdictions we would just not be welcome in…

And sorry about the Pete Rose pic. I’m starting to think there’s no excuse at all for that…

That was a great story! You told it so well! The scene was completely set! Loved it. You’re so brave. I’m reading this on an airplane. From the pictures on this post, I think the person next to me thinks I’m reading some bizarre porno.

Sounds like a freakin’ blast. Woo hoo!
Trying to think of any similar stories, but they’re lost in the fuzz of drunken memory loss. Gotta love dares. Dares have caused me a broken nose, shots of Everclear, and the list goes on, but again drunken memory loss fuzz. Keep ’em comin’.

Guap that was fucking hysterical. The imagery was dead on. Am still giggling. As an eight year Burning Man attendee I’ve seen, and done, it all. Describing a scene like yours takes a fine writer, I bow to your art.
By the way, don’t think I’ve mentioned this but your taste in music is killer.

Well told! And the Violent Femmes always go down well 🙂 I’m the opposite to you, due to an unfortunate incident with tequila when I wasn’t yet old enough to know better… I get the heeby jeebies just thinking about it (BIG SHUDDER). Whiskey on the hand… all good!

EG: LOVE the Halloween Parade in Greenwich Village! Ah, those days of yore living in NYC during the 80’s. As with yourself, I found out a lot of things from friends during conversations …during the following days and weeks..

Funny how it goes sometimes, Miss B.
On the bright side, though I sadly (ok, maybe not too sadly) don’t talk to a lot of those people anymore, I never did piss off (or run for office) for any of them to share those things in a way that ever came back to haunt me.

Bless our old friends for their secret-keeping abilities.May also explain why our names have never appeared on ballots. Oh the lists we’re probably on!
Come to think of it.. makes me kinda proud; the Lists I mean, not so much the behavior -grin-

Oh crap, so I just searched “clown porn” to see if your blog came up, and a got a whole lotta scary clown porn, but no blog. I tried “naked clown porn” and I still didn’t find your blog. Instead, I found more ingredients for nightmares. Ima stop searching now…

What.a.gem! Love this story! Too funny and so were Hotspur’s comments. Just so you know, I think you’ve got me beat. I’ve never danced naked on a bar, not even once. I’ve danced on tables with clothes on though and have done the dirty in public places but I think your naked bar antics top me.

YES. Thank heavens!! Way before all this internet craziness. In fact, I couldn’t be more grateful my 20’s happened before iphones. It’s probably my saving grace. Lord only knows what would be on YouTube.

Me and IrishPaul (who turned up in these posts from time to time) started at one end of Bleeker Street, and went as far as we possibly could.
Some great bars down there, and some epic dives too.
I love em all!