Do You Feel Not Good Enough?

Have you wondered where your internalized message of “I’m not good enough,” comes from? Do you feel you give life your best, work hard, try hard, but still can’t give yourself credit? Are you constantly beating yourself up and thinking that somehow you should be more, do more, be better, and you don’t measure up in your own mind?

After more than three decades of working as a therapist with dysfunctional family dynamics, particularly those of narcissistic and abusive families, I have seen first-hand where this internalized “not good enough” message comes from. While it seems easy to comprehend intellectually, I have also found that understanding emotionally and freeing oneself from old negative messages is a journey of recovery which takes some serious work. When we make changes, we usually take a cognitive leap of understanding first and then it takes our emotional being some time to catch up so that the head and gut are congruent and saying the same thing.

But how does the message “I’m not good enough” get internalized? Where does this come from? To start with, I want you to think about small children and how impressionable they are, how they are soaking up life and trying to learn and understand the world around them. And, the most important thing to them is gaining love and affection from their caregivers. They do not yet have a worldly or experienced understanding of human behavior or why people behave in certain ways. Their main goal is to be loved, and this is of course, what every child deserves.

Now let’s take some examples of dysfunctional families and start with the alcoholic family. A child does not understand why the alcoholic parent is sometimes there for them and sometimes not depending on the substance usage. In a narcissistic family, the child does not understand that the narcissistic parent is not capable of empathy or real love. In abusive families or families with domestic violence, the child does not understand why the adults are acting in horrible ways and not seeming to tune into how that effects their children. So, given that the child’s goal is to be loved and cared for, the child begins to try to “fix” the adult problems so they can achieve their goal. They don’t do this consciously, of course, but many start this at a very early age. “If only I was a better kid, this would not be happening.” “If I did better in school, my parents wouldn’t fight.” “If I listen to my parent’s problems, maybe they will be less stressed.” “If I do more chores or housework, maybe Mommy won’t be so sad.” “If I become a great soccer player, maybe Daddy won’t drink so much beer because he will want to come to my games.”

Children are like sponges and take in their environment on emotional levels as well as physical and intellectual levels. They learn very early that if Mommy and Daddy are happy then they themselves will be happier too and get more of that love they need. “When Mommy is happy, she will play with me and spend time with me.” “When Daddy is not mad, he will be nicer to all of us.” Kids want peace, love and harmony in their lives and need it to thrive emotionally. So, if it is not there, guess what they do? Try to fix it by trying to be a better and better kid, or they may also try the opposite and act out to get their parents to focus on them. But they are learning and internalizing that no matter what they do, they cannot fix their parent’s problems. They are kids, and of course this is not their problem to fix, but they don’t know that yet. So, they keep trying. Many times parents in dysfunctional families will blame their children or project onto their children the bad feelings the parent is feeling at the moment. Narcissists do this all the time. They are internally self-loathing, but project this onto their children rather than embrace and resolve their own feelings. It’s always someone else’s fault. A child knows no different. Of course, they take this on too. “It must be me.” “It must be my fault if my parent is mean to me, or can’t love me.” “I must be unlovable.” So the child ends up carrying the emotional baggage of the family and takes on the burden. “If only I could do more.”

Just because a child grows up and may begin to see the dysfunction in their family of origin, it does not mean that the internalized message is cleared away. We parent ourselves in the same manner we were parented. So the negative message of “I couldn’t fix it, so I am not good enough,” remains strong. The parent does not have to say these words directly to the child, the child is internalizing it as he or she is developing. “I will clean the whole house tonight and then my parents won’t fight.” But, they do fight and they don’t even notice. “It didn’t work.” “I am not good enough, or powerful enough, or worthy.”

In therapy, we work on this by uncovering the deeper place this message of unworthiness is lurking. Usually it goes back to the family of origin. Who says parenting is not a huge responsibility? The negative messages cannot be “undone” by simple techniques of affirmations or telling ourselves we are ok, but rather this work takes uncovering the deeper trauma imbedded in the child or adult brain and body and then releasing it. Trauma resolution is needed.

It is difficult for some people to do this, because we all want to believe that we came from loving and nurturing families. It is normal to try to deny and rationalize and believe it is all in our heads. It is actually easier to take it on yourself than to stand in the courage of your own truth and experience and resolve your own trauma. But, I am writing this today to testify to the experience of many people in therapy who have had the courage to do this hard work, have recovered, and have been able to release the burden of carrying the emotional baggage of their families of origin. When they do this, they realize the message was wrong. It is not their fault. It is a distorted reality that they had to buy into to survive in a dysfunctional environment. It is only then, that the tightly wound negative message of “I am not good enough,” begins to unravel and there is relief. This doesn’t mean I encourage blame, anger, rage, or carrying resentment towards family of origin. But it does need to be understood before one can heal. It is also more possible then to be accountable and realize that you can change yourself as an adult and be who you want to be and not continue to be defined by your family of origin or others.

Imagine yourself carrying a big net-like basketball bag over your shoulder that holds a lot of balls that don’t even belong to you. As you recover, you are taking one ball at a time, throwing them out of the bag and off your own back, realizing that they belong to someone else. “This is not my stuff, I am carrying my mother’s sadness, or my father’s insecurities.” Get rid of those old balls so you can see your own reality and can define who you really are. Deep down, you know that even though you have made mistakes in life as we all do, you are a good person. You are “good enough.” You deserve better. I can say that in all my years of conducting psychotherapy, the biggest break-through I have seen in my clients is when they realize that they are carrying someone else’s baggage on their own back. When this happens it opens a door of freedom. It provides a path to hope, healing, and understanding. It opens more and more windows of opportunities to create the life you want and deserve. If you are reading this because it struck a nerve, I wish that for you too! That bag of balls on your back is heavy. You too can begin to release trauma by ridding yourself of the burden and weight, one ball at a time. You realize you are good enough!

For decades I thought now that I finished college/graduate school, got a job, got married, bought a house, NOW I'll be good enough. Now they'll accept me. But that day never came. I am so saturated in the energy of rejection I dropped out of the workplace. It doesn't matter how good my product or service is, people aren't going to pay for it simply because it comes from me. I couldn't tolerate the idea of having children b/c in truth I've already raised 3 children - myself and my parents.

I've read your book Daughters of, etc. I guess my question is what's left after you release the baggage? It's like cancer, it's not just a burden you carry. It's spreads and begins to eat away at your very being. When you release, there can be nothing left. You talk about freedom to be who you want but it's hard to utilize that freedom if you don't know what you want. Now I distrust everything that I've ever thought I wanted. I've done all the right things but for all the wrong reasons. Now I'm not even sure if they were the right things. It's very hard to trust your judgment when all your life you've been trained to be and do what someone else wants. And it's all so implicit. I'd say my mother is almost worse because she's not even the worst. I just look back and I'm not sure if there was ever any time that I ever really did what I wanted. And now I don't know the difference between what I want and what others want me to want. I'm just lost.

I can totally relate to your comment here and I hope the author of this (wonderful) article will give her insights on it.
Realizing that the balls in the net are not yours is one thing. Dealing with the anger when you realize this, another. Mentally throwing the balls away is a thing that can be done. Throwing them away in real life, e.g. finding a way to find independence from your parents is another.
After all these years of carrying this too heavy bag of balls I am just exhausted. Exhausted to move forward in life. Exhausted to really know for sure who I am and where I want to go.
For years I kept myself up and going saying to myself: carrying this heavy bag made you stronger as a person, made that you can handle it. But right now, honestly, I'm just exhausted and lost.

I am 29 years old, in school for a degree but not independent. At all. I am in therapy and coming to terms with the fact that my father was a malignant narcissist. My childhood was hell, and I cannot honestly say that I can remember any point in my life, now or then, when I've been "happy", or "secure". I've probably spent a total of about three months in mental hospitals since I was twelve, trying to sort everything out. It has always failed. I always had to go back home, after all.

I have no idea how to support myself in any way. Not financially, not emotionally, not behaviorally. I don't know how to do things that help me. I literally don't. It's like I'm incapable of making good decisions or working up the motivation to do good things for myself. I can only harm myself, and I can only make those choices that will set me back. I don't know why!! If given a choice between a good act and a bad act, in terms of how it will help me in the life I want to lead, I invariably choose the bad choice. Not because I want to; I feel like I'm outside my own control. I am compelled to hurt myself and set myself back, every time. I know what the consequences will be, having been through them before, and I hate them, but I still bring them on myself. I don't know why and that's what really kills me.

Ever since I was a kid, neither of my parents ever taught me really anything about life. My existence was very much on a day-to-day basis: get up, get dressed, go to school, come home, try not to make Dad angry, sleep. As long as I could do that I kept reasonably alive. Whenever I needed anything - any kind of thing that could be seen as a learning opportunity - my dad just did it for me, even when I asked that I be allowed to do it myself. Asking for help with homework was something I learned early on never, ever to do - he'd just get annoyed, rip it out of my hands and do it himself, before even bothering sitting down with me, then throw it back in my face whilst complaining about how stupid and lazy I was. So I never learned math since I never got any help with it. I didn't learn to drive until I was in my 20s, and even now whenever I need help with my car he just takes over, instead of giving me advice as to what to do. Sometimes I don't tell him there's a problem because I know that he's just going to belittle me for having one in the first place while he handles everything. Then the problem doesn't get fixed and I feel even stupider for not getting SOME kind of help. I'm left in an ocean of adulthood and I don't know how to swim. I feel like I will never know where I stand or who I really am. I feel like my life has never begun.

It's amazing how similar our stories can be, when the abuse is the same. As a child, I was taught the everyday stuff, but anything to do with emotion was taboo, and one of the rules I had to live by was "don't bother mom". I never learned how to make decisions, because they were made for me. I was told what to do, how to do it, and not to ask questions. Nothing I tried to do to please her was ever right, was ever good enough, was ever worthy of the praise my brothers got. I was the stupid one. Your comment of being left in an ocean of adulthood and not knowing how to swim sums up my feelings perfectly. I have always told therapists that I don't know how to function in society. I was never given the tools I needed. In my 50's now, I am still lost. On a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis, I don't know what I should be doing, or who I really am. Thank-you for your very well-written and familiar feelings. I wish more people would understand the pain and confusion of what we feel, and how difficult life is for us. I can't imagine how wonderful it must be to have a supportive, loving family. I will never know.

But i feel like you have just described my life. I'm 28 and you have explained the relationship and consequences of living in a family with a narcissist parent; except mine was my mother. I hope you've found some peace. It's not an easy thing to go through.

You self-sabotage because they've managed to convince you that you don't deserve anything nice in life.

The day you realize -- I don't mean just intellectually, I mean all the way through you -- that it was 100% grade-A bullshit and you DO deserve good things in life, the self-sabotage will begin to taper off.

Just focus on moving far away from your father and focus on building your skills without any interference from your father or other family members that way you will re-build any lost self esteem. Go to a church sometimes having a bunch of strangers willing to pray for you feels really good because it reminds us that other people do care about us.

This is an insightful and well-written article. Thanks for sharing it. It always astounds me how these parents can so easily then blame the children. They take no responsibility even for outright child abuse and incest because they are innocent - they are not to blame - but the child is. So messed up in so many ways. I long ago realized I was not to blame and the burden is theirs not mine, but regardless it is always hard to not fall back into that "i am not good enough' mode at difficult times in life. I am always working on it and it really does get better. We are not to blame. Children have no responsibility for abusive ways of their parents - ever. If your parent can't take responsibility for their actions, leave it on their doorstep and walk away. Yes, we all make mistakes and as adults we have to learn to take responsibility for our actions, but not for the actions of others.

Who we are when our false self is slowly peeled away - is our true self. We are sweet, loving, compassionate and God-confident.
A really strong program of recovery never leaves a hole where a defect is removed.
As a woman over 18, I am responsible for myself now. My parents don't owe me anything. Later on I can go back on God's terms if that's what His will is.
I needed to have a spiritual awakening so I would know God better. Then I would always have His love.
I am never alone.

It is a journey and I am here working through my pain and allowing pieces of this false self to be taken, bit by bit.
It's not easy. But when we get well enough to start helping others begin their journey so the can go back to God pure also, it's really worth the pain.
No one said life was going to be easy. But the benefits of recovering make it a fruitful journey.
The work in the AA Big Book is the sweetest experience I've ever known (and you don't have to be an alcoholic).
I recover to the precise extent I form a relationship with a Power greater than myself Who is inside of me all along.

God's love is something they can not take from us. Although I felt like that for a long time. It felt and still feels at times like they control everything. Your mind, your soul. Everything. It is the most horrible thing I know and which cannot be understood anyone but those who have experienced the same. I still haven't got 100% trust in God because there is so much anger in me which has not been released and maybe pride too but I really do want to believe in Him and find the unconditional love I have not experienced truly. I deserve it. We all deserve it. God bless.

I grew up with constant abuse from my dad. He was verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, and sexually abusive. He would snatch me off of the couch when I was little and take out all of his anger on me. He also drank and smoked weed. Father/daughter time was him pinning me to the bed and stripping me so he could touch me to his desires while my mom was not home. Now I tend to try to be dominant in my relationships because I do not want to feel vulnerable like I did then. Even after my mom divorced him, she got with an abusive alcoholic who always verbally abused me and called me a spoiled brat. I watched both he and my dad abuse my mom growing up, and it has taken me so long to just start trusting guys more. I always kept a wall up, and I am relaxing more since I hang with mainly guys now that I am in college. Up until then I had never felt like I was good enough, and I would constantly work harder than anyone else and end up making myself sick just so I could at least feel like I can accept praise now. Even so, I still struggle sometimes. I try to explain it to my friends, but they do not always understand.

I'm 22 and female, I feel lost. I'm currently an undergraduate repeating my second year, I'm thinking abt quiting because I just can't do it anymore. I have so much enternal conflict and I feel like I'm falling apart. I am the oldest child in a family of 4. After my parents separated wen I was 12 I started living with my mum, my dad was never really there for us. Because my mum had to work most of the time I had to look after my siblings. It felt like my sisters n brother was all I had since my mum is only child so she does not have much family and as for my dad family they stopped talking to us as soon as my dad left. Living with my mum was difficult, I did everything in the house but most of the time it wasn't good enough. When I was 18 I left n got a house of my own because I couldn't take it anymore. Few months later I got pregnant and a few years later when my daughter turned 2 I decided to leave the relationship because the father of my child was emotionally and verbally abusive, I met a few people after but nothing is working out. I feel like running away and starting my life over because I feel like I'm going through a mental breakdown. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough in relationships so I always sacrifice a lot to make the relationship work. I feel alone and unappreciated. Sometimes I wish this could all go away and I won't have to deal anything. I try n do the best I can for my child but I feel like I'm failing and my baby father seems to think so too even though he does not provide anything for our child since she was born.
Does anyone know what I'm going through and what I can do to get help.

As a person who was often abused (by my father) and often ignored (by my mother) in my childhood, I grew up to be ashamed and a anxious perfectionist. Everything I did was wrong, I felt, and still often feel. I consciously knew that, on the outside, my life appeared to be in order, but inside I was so unhappy and ashamed that I felt crazy, and sometimes did crazy things when I was not pretending to be perfect.
After years of struggle in therapy, partly because some of the therapists I consulted just reassured me that I was fine, I am beginning to feel like a real person.
Unhappily, as I was struggling, reading, and looking to professionals for help, I was raising children and behaving in a very similar manner to them as my parents did to me. Despite all my hope and all my intentions.
Which makes me understand how difficult it was for my parents, especially in the days before psychotherapy -- who was there to believe or help them?

I feel ya Dino. There are abundant resources for daughters of narcs but not anything for sons.
I'm disabled now and 31. My my abandoned me/rejected me about a month after I couldn't work.
I would almost rather kill myself than ask for financial help from my dad and step mom. Last December I was scary close to doing just that, I really don't know why I didn't other than some little bit of hope that maybe things would be better one day.
My dog is the only thing I think really loves me and then I think he just wants food half the time.
Wish I had some help to offer you other than don't give up.

For several years I have been very aware that I had a narcissist Mum, and have spent a lot of time working through those issues. Today I came across my core belief "I'm not enough". I subtle difference between "Not good enough" but very similar. As I was reading through this article, I realised "I'm not enough" was also a defining feature of my father. Maybe why he married a narcissist wife.

I can't tell you how I know this is one of his defining features, but it is. Reading the bit about searching through balls and throwing them out has been a very useful visual image for me.

I know this was published a while ago. But I thought it might be nice for you to know that it is still useful, still helping to trigger positive change...

I'm a 42 yr old disabled veteran. I have been to dozens of counselors and nothing has changed. I am the oldest of three boys. My mother always worked and my father was always drunk and on drugs. From the time I was 5, I was a parent for my brothers. My father was monstrously abusive to me especially. When he hurt my brothers, I would make him angry so he would hit me. I was beaten so badly some days, I would want to die.
I have 2 daughters 16, and 20. I faught hard every day to make sure I never hurt them. I am proud I never did. I haven't seen them since they were 10 and 14. They are from my second of three marriages. All three of my marriages were disasters because the women played on my only wanting to be loved and they used me for money.

I don't think I've ever been loved. I'm always helping other people. I get used a lot because of my desire to help and show eomen I care. But it always ends up the same way. My daughters don't talk to me any more because their mom says horrible things about me to them.

It makes me sad that my cat shows me love and not people. I am so tired inside. I wish for the end each night when I go to sleep. The only things I think of anymore is my cat and that maybe one day my daughters will come see me. I've always tried to be a good person. Without love, I feel so empty. When my daughters stopped coming to see and talking to me, it made the emptiness even bigger.

I am sorry. Know that there are other people who have similar experiences. I've been constantly abused my whole life and it seemed at point to never end. Only recently I have gotten strength mostly from God and I'm able to stop being the victim. I refuse to be the victim and a trash bin for miserable and negative people. I choose love and I choose God. I know God will never abandon me or use me in any way. I know that it was me who abandoned me like I was abandoned as a child. It took years to realize that I have to stop yearning and searching love from people who will never be able to love me unconditionally and start loving myself. That I am the person who needs to be strong for me and there for me and if I don't feel strong enough then I should turn to God for help. I have encountered so many people who try to make me abandon me like they have been abandoned. They are narcissists or people with narcissistic traits and now I'm just going to avoid them at any cost. My life is important and I'm not going to let anyone to destroy it. Your life is important too and you are important and you deserve love and appreciation. Stay strong.

I have felt unworthy. I came from a family of alcoholics and drug abusers, born of teenage parents who divorced when I was six. I remember feeling angry when my Dad left, violently so. I killed a cat, I stabbed up a lamp shade. I was scared of my mother's disapproval or anyone really. I was shy and I would burst into tears for years if someone yelled at me. I feel dumber than everyone. I'm very bashful and passive and have been fired from a succession of jobs because of my quiet nature.

i have never written or commented in this kind of forums or felt like i never had the need to either.. i have known my wife now for 16 years and have been married for 8. over the last few years i have had problems on and off with binge drinking and in the process just to have that episode of binge drinking i have lied to my wife about my whereabouts, on a few ocassions where i have given lifts to my friends while they were with females she has found out about because i did not tell her (which was about 5 years ago) since then i have spoken to a couple of females while on the phone without any sort of intention of meeting or doing anything of the sort) in fact it has never crossed my minnd to actually cheat on her because i am not the knd of person that would sleep with anyone just for the sake of it, there has to be some chemistry ( i know im not the normal man) besides even if i was i always balance the negative with positive as that is one thing i would not even be able to live with. So coming the the real point of this my wife now does not trust me which at the beginning of it all i understood, now things are getting so ridiculous she would question me about very silly things like why have i got a shirt on, she wants to see my bank statements etc which i always show her and they are always clear. In my head I always know they will be but because of just drinking and going through a phase where i felt it was easier to have a conversation with a outsider rather than my own wife because she would even question the small details like times and who i was with etc (these things wernt even necesaary) she would at times even turn up to my friends houses, which they would always make jokes to me about afterwards and embarass me. now recently i have been trying everything in my power to not even give her any small doubt but things have become worse, i think i am actually starting to hate her. but i feel like i have made her the way she is and owe her because she has always been there for me while everyone else left me, i have a beautiful daughter which means the world to me and that is another reason why i am still in this relationship, people have told her why is she still with me and a few people have also said that to me, being together for 16 years one would think we know each other inside out but clearly we do not. now in my head i think she thinks i have at some point cheated on her. sometimes i wish i did as she thinks that anyway so i have nothing to lose, but the fact is i wouldnt even think about it. i really didnt know what to do or who to talk to as i felt if i talk to my friends about all this they would think im crazy, and if i talk to my wife face to face which i have a few times she starts shouting and starts thinking the obvious, on the few ocassions i have spoken to females about the matter as i think they are more understanding and i find it easier to open up to them, that hasnt helped me either as i got caught talking to them

i do feel much better after writing this as it feels like a great weight is off my shoulders, but recently i have also felt i am not good enough and why am i here as i feel alone and like no one knows the real me, i am a strong person and know i would never do self harm but it still crosses my mind, i just want my life to be normal and me to be happy.

if anyone else is in a similar situation i would like to read your story.

What about other possible reasons for not feeling good enough? I have been struggling with this for years, but I can't really think of anything that my parents would have done particularly wrong. I was, however, at some point bullied in school. Could this be the reason or could there be some third reason?

Bottom Line: the root cause of not thinking we are good enough, no matter how that manifests itself, is that we don't know how much God loves us.
I could not find that out in religion. I had to do serious, hard work in the 12 Steps that could produce a spir. awakening in me and a change in my heart and feelings and mind, to really, really know - beyond a doubt - that I was loved that much, and only God's love could be enough for me to love myself.

Thanks for this great article. I read something the other day (can't recall where) that might shed some light on some other reasons we feel not good-enough. The article I read mentioned how when we were little kids growing up we may have been praised or given affection for things that we did (drawing a picture, making our bed, etc). Simple things. But the other 99 percent of the time we weren't given attention because mom or dad was busy drinking or working or whatever and didn't spend much one-on-one time with us, talking to us, asking our opinions, giving attention to us unconditionally. We did not receive that kind of attention. But when we performed well, like mentioned above, drawing a picture or doing a chore, or getting good grades, we got their attention for a millisecond while they told us "Good job". We learned to perform in order to be praised and loved. We learned that if there is no praise or no applause we must not be good enough, we must not be lovable. I have found this personally to be true in my life. Im now 45 and always "performing" whether it's creating art, music, DIY projects, cooking dinner -- anything that has to do with trying to impress someone. Because I feel a deep longing to be loved and to not be abandoned. But still the "abandonment" comes, the praise is not there, I'm not adored. I would tend to think I'm just not good at anything because no one is going out of their way to "buy my product" or adore my art. But the good news is I have recently learned to stop trying to impress people with the need for them to love me and I just do things now because I enjoy doing them, because they bring pleasure to me -- and no other purpose. It's a slow process and I'm still learning. I've also learned my parents did the best they knew how to do at the time. They were young and in love and made some bad choices. Realizing that helped put things more in perspective. I hope this message helps someone. I read thru all the previous comments. There are a lot of hurting people out there, including myself, and it helps to know we're not alone and also that we are worthy and deserving to enjoy life and not be weighed down by the mistakes and bad decisions of our parents.