Not sure what to do? You’re not alone. You will, over the course of your sex life, experience all manner of awful BJ techniques. But if you follow our guide, you'll be a fond memory, not a horror story.

Watch porn

Watching porn is a good start. It might introduce you to a few moves you hadn’t thought of, but do remember when you’re watching porn, that porn sex isn’t real sex. They never get lockjaw or tongue fatigue. Gag reflexes are something they once read about in a magazine. Porn actors are well-trained machines, experts. You don’t play Call of Duty for an hour and then think you can go off to war, do you? No, exactly.

Think about pressure

Another thing to bear in mind: porn star wangs are pulled in every direction for hours a time – they're hardy as hell. The dick you'll be grabbing might not be used to getting such a going over. Unless he asks you to do it harder, start gently. Do unto others and all that – you don't want him going all-out psycho on your cock when it's your turn.

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Respect the zipper

Whether you’re hot and heavy in a club with a stranger or enjoying your meticulously planned 17 minutes of sexy time before circuit-training, a good blowjob starts before you see the flesh. See that zipper coming toward you? The prize lies within, and there’s a lot to be said for carefully unwrapping it. First of all, it builds tension; it can be sensuous. Oh, and secondly, yank it open too fast and you could be bypassing the BJ and heading straight to A&E. Unzip it like what’s beyond is made of gossamer. Carefully slide his trousers down his hips and thighs – stealthily and slowly like you’re stealing a hamburger from the mouth of a sleeping bear. Play with the waistband of his underwear – the skin on his belly will be super-sensitive in anticipation. And when he can take no more, when he’s begging you, and promising to tell you the PINs for all his Swiss bank accounts, begin.

Get started

Start slowly, gently, teasing. Pretend you can’t even see the dick for a while. Act like it’s totally invisible. Take your time. And look him in the eye every now and again to see how much longer you can get away with it. Lick along the sides and round the head a little, then kiss around it and the tops of the thighs before going full-on plunge.

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Put your teeth away

I have never met any man who encouraged the use of teeth. You need to cover your teeth with your lips while you’re getting busy – suck your lips in so it looks like you don’t have any teeth at all. He won’t be able to see this so don’t panic about not looking sexy. Think budget sex doll or kissing gourami. This actually helps to make your mouth tighter anyway, so it’s all for a good cause.

Get stuck in

Don’t just suck, and definitely don’t blow. Still use your tongue as you move your mouth up and down, round and round, like spaghetti round a fork, if you like. Don’t feel you have to get right down to the very base every time – your throat will probably give out on you eventually. Just concentrate on giving the bits you can reach the best experience. Still being able to see some of his dick as he looks down can be a turn-on and has the added bonus of making him feel like he has the biggest knob on Earth, because clearly you can’t take it all at once. And the moments when you do go all the way down will feel even more incredible. Psychology – isn’t it amazing? If he starts forcing your head down, it could very well mean he’s really enjoying himself. But if you’re into it, hold his hands down out of the way. A bit of restriction can make it more exciting, anyway. And you're in charge.

To stop you getting bored, and also to save your cheek muscles, wank him while he’s your mouth. Do that a bit harder when you’re not sucking, to hold momentum. This can help arouse the areas your mouth might not be covering.

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Ball control

What you do in this area can be a very personal thing. If you don’t know the guy well, start gently but be prepared to go in harder if he asks. Don’t be afraid to ask whether he likes it or wants more. We’re all grownups here. There’s an old rumour that taking a guy’s balls in your mouth and humming – no idea what tune, sorry – feels fantastic, but I’ve never asked anyone to do it and nobody’s ever offered, so don’t know if it’s true. Go on, I dare you.

Alternate between dick and balls as you go – a ratio of around 80:20 should do it. I wouldn’t worry too much about an exact figure; you’re sucking someone off, not doing your tax return.

Have a stroke

It’s not just about your mouth. Put your hands to work. Good places to stroke while you’re blowing a guy would be down the side of his torso, or across his belly, just above his – I don’t know, what is that? Pubic bone? Let’s say it’s that. Depending on your angle, you can also give his leg a stroke. Start with long sweeping motions up the leg from the ankle and going into the inner thigh. The more excited he gets – and he will get excited – make the strokes shorter and more urgent. Reach up and touch his chest, gently tweak a nipple. You barely have to touch the skin; it shouldn’t distract from the main event. Stroking is an accessory, it’s the manbag – your blowjob is the, erm, suit. (This sounded better in my head.)

The eyes have it

Look up every now and again to see how he’s reacting. You’ll soon learn what’s getting him going and what’s got him worrying how many emails he’s got to write at work in the morning. Listen to him, too. Has he gone quiet? It doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying it; some men are just self-conscious. or think it’s not masculine to sound like you’re enjoying sex. Encourage him to let go of these ridiculous inhibitions by making silence virtually impossible. Maybe tweak that nipple harder.

Move about

Changing positions can spice things during a blowjob too. You probably won’t want to lose your train of thought – or your grip – so forget any convoluted contortions, but a good old 69 or having him above you while you suck him off can both hit the spot.

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The big finish

For some men, the holy grail is for you to swallow, while other guys like to see the results of their labours. If you really can’t handle swallowing, spitting is an option – but don’t spit it out in disgust or all over his face, unless he asks. Have something handy nearby you can discreetly spit into once he’s done and has calmed down a bit. I’m thinking a tissue rather than a mug of tea FYI. Making a big song and dance about spitting it out is really off-putting and a bit weird – it’s spunk, not lava. That said, you’re in charge of this particular plot, so you get to decide how it ends, not him. If neither of those appeal to you much, just let it fly – it can be just as much of a turn-on.

And if you did well, and you have enough time, it’ll be your turn. Prepare your scorecard. Don’t be afraid to make him read this first.