"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I did not come here tonight to make you laugh! I came here to sell you something! And I want ya to pay particular attention, because The Amazing Master Tool Corporation, a subsidiary of Fly By Night Industries, has entrusted who? -- me! -- to show you! -- the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool you've ever seen, and don't ya wanna know how it works! First you take an ordinary apple! You place the ordinary apple in between the patented pans! Then you reach for the tool that is not a slicer, not a dicer, not a chopper in a hopper! What in the hell can it possibly be? SLEDGE-O-MATIC!"

-- Intro to the Sledge-O-Matic sequence, which has remained basically unchanged during Gallagher's 25 years as a comedian.

(About cats being picky eaters) "This is no gourmet; look where he licks. What gourmet licks his own butt? That's what makes you mad! They won't eat the food you've got for 'em, but then he goes over there and licks his butt. They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."

"If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?"

"Wouldn't it be great if people were the same in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee, Nadia, that was PERFECT! That full twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'"

"Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!"

"You ever see that sign: 'This Door Must Remain Shut At All Times'... why have a goddamn door?"

"You know what's stupid? Skiing. You get on top of a slippery mountain with sleds on your feet and you go down... big deal. Try not to. Or, go up! Now that'd be a sport for ya!"

"If M & M's 'melt in your mouth, not in your hand.' what would they do, say... under your arms?"

"What makes Teflon stick to the pan?"

"Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're done building 'em? They ought to be called 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that crumbling over there.'"

"We go to school to learn to communicate, but all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"

"Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say 'Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!'"

"Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra."

"My daughter's gettin' so big lately, I usually don't have to duck when I get in the van. Well my heart was in the right place. I said, "Amy, wanna go for a ride in the van"...CLUNK!!! She doesn't cry. She just looks me right in the eye as if to say, "Are you that fucking stupid?" "Yes." Then she cries...cause she knows we're related."

"If it ain't sex, what is it gang? Beer beer beer beer beer beer beer! You ain't an American unless you're drinking a beer! All the time, dammit, any damn time is a time for Bud! Bullshit! Traffic Court. 'Hang on there judge, let me pop a cool one here. Weaving!? I can't even knit!'"

"I would like now to talk about the Japanese, a race of very short people who are always bending in half. You can't make an honest business deal with them because you can't look em' in the eye. I don't believe any group of people should be able to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm talking of course about the 'Cororra'."

"Wonder why it is God didn't give us wheels. He must've known we get skates for Christmas."

"Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!"

"Why are all the home-ec teachers divorced?"

"Why do they call them cowboys? Cows is girls; bulls is boys. They should call them 'cowgirls' and 'bullboys.'"

"When yogurt goes bad, how can you tell?"

"When I would skip school, what would they do to punish me? They'd kick me out! 'He won't come, we won't let him! Fix his ass.'"

"I like church though. Church was a reminder there was somethin' worse than school."

"This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name."

"I am going to proud when the aliens run across that three-pronged plastic thing they use to keep the pizza off the cardboard. That's igenuity!"