Month: October 2014

A friend of mine recently posted on facebook “we never remember the green lights.” She was talking about relationships and levels of unhappiness, but as I often do, I thought about how such a concept could be expanded to include other areas of life.

If you’re my friend, by now you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. That’s one of my few behavioral facets that hasn’t changed in the past few decades. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. I go with my gut, decide quickly, and rarely change direction once I’m committed. That’s led to some massive mistakes in the past, which, compounded with disappointment and regret, often led to more mistakes. I can’t tell you exactly why I did some of the things that I did — although I remember being utterly convinced that they were the right decisions at the time, I can never seem to remember why — but almost every time, I ended up staring at another red light.

Do Not Pass Go.

So how do you find the green lights? How do you get out of the maze of red lights and stop signs and find your way?

Well, everyone has their own path. But I did two very specific things. The first one is that I made a purposeful decision to change. That change manifested itself in two actions.

The first action was to choose to be a better person. I took a good long look at myself, and realized that the reasons I didn’t like myself were also the reasons why other people didn’t like me either. So fixing that was win/win. I had to think about how I reacted to people, and how those reactions looked from the outside. I had to change the way I spoke, the way I held myself. I even had to change how I volunteered for things. I worked to be worthy of the accolades I already had, and the accolades I aspire to.

The second action was to choose to make a career change. For over fifteen years, I toiled in the salt-mines of IT Technical Support, doing harder and more complicated work every day, without any additional recognition for it. The final straw for me was when, after working several sixty hour weeks in a row and then running a seventy-two hour deployment, I was told that I couldn’t take comp time because it was against company policy, and for the extra hundreds of hours I’d worked, I got a bonus that, calculated very generously, came out to half a week’s pay. Before tax. So I decided, right then, that I was going to change my career and change my life. I paid for it myself, and nine months later, I had my PMP. Less than nine months after that, I had a new job with a nice big raise and, more importantly, a wholly new corporate culture — one that, so far, values my contributions, cares about what I think, and compensates me reasonably for the work I do.

Guess what? I still saw a bunch of red lights. Things were better, but I still felt constrained. And I sat and thought about that for a very long time until I finally figured it out.

Let me show you the hat of my people!

I can change myself. I can better myself. I can bend over backwards to do what I think people want me to do. But I cannot change other people. I cannot make them agree with me, and I cannot make them like me.

So perhaps that, then, was a third change; I changed myself to accept that I cannot change other people — and to forgive them for not being able to change.

Now, I don’t know if these changes or attempts to change will work for you. I can tell you that my wife and I have been through the crucible and come out on the other side mostly unscathed, in large part because I’ve been able to do these things.

And when that happened, suddenly… all these lights turned green.

Except that’s not really true. These green lights were there all along. I just started being able to see them. The lights didn’t change. I did.

Tonight is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of Atonement, when all Jews are supposed to beg G-d for forgiveness for the sins committed in the past year. In between Rosh Hashanna which was nine days ago, and Yom Kippur, which starts tonight, G-d allows us to change the fates for us that G-d has written in the Book of Life before it is sealed for another year. This time is known as the Yom Adonai, the Days of Awe, and it is a window of opportunity a little bit like the rite of confession for Catholics, but in very Jewish fashion, the opportunity only comes once a year — and now it’s almost over!
As “not that kind of Jew” I’m going to turn this around a little bit, and, in concert with my Duck post from the other day (http://apapermuse.wordpress.com/2014/09/26/being-a-duck/) I’ll try to be forgiving of myself as well as begging forgiveness from G-d. I encourage you all do to so as well.
However, Yom Kippur is not about gaining forgiveness from others. That kind of atonement should be done before this day of atonement to G-d. So while I have a few hours left, I beg forgiveness and atone to:
Laura, for all the year’s small and large slights that every marriage contains and no marriage should
Karoline, for mis-communication
Ted and Emilysue for being probably more trouble than I’m worth
Max for not being good enough in the past and having to be stone-cold to make up for it now
My sister Meredith, and my mother and father for being unable to overcome my pride
Christina for being inattentive to your path
Cameron, Megan and Jesse for my lack of follow-through
Cadogan for my arrogance and disregard for proper behavior
And anyone else I have slighted, offended, or hurt. I should have done this earlier, which I shall have to atone for next year.
I have come to embrace the religion of my forefathers late in life, and I have done so unconventionally. I don’t think G-d will be upset with me for that, but I do believe that some ways are the best ways. I will fast from sundown tonight till sundown tomorrow (25 hours), and the discomfort will remind me of the discomfort I have caused others, and perhaps, in some small way, that will atone to them what I also atone to G-d.
So maybe I’m more “that kind of Jew” than I have been in the past. I’m ok with that.
May you be joyful in how you have been inscribed in the book of life!

Usually the light in the corridor between the doors is turned off. When I have the strength to crawl across the floor and then lever myself up on my crutches, and I look through the round window, all I can see is the glowing holes at the other end, baleful eyes glaring at me, casting murky patterns of shadow and light on the floor and walls between.

But tonight. Tonight I can see the length of the space. The light woke me up, and after panting my way up the wall and lurching around to lean against it, I look through the reinforced glass, and I can see everything.

Everything.

The floor is black, and flecked with grey speckles, and the walls are white. The ceiling is tiled, fluorescents flickering in them, and they reflect off of the floor. There’s a railing on the left side of the room, but wait, that’s not a railing, why would railing have chains looped through them?

On the right side are two beds. One is empty.

The other is not.

I can see everything.

The empty bed is made, clean sheets, clean blanket, clean pillow and case. The other bed is occupied. All I can see is the top of their head. It moves every so often.

I turn and put my ear to the window. Yes. I can hear muffled moans.

I turn back to look throught the window and knock on the door. “Hello?” I call. “Can you hear me? I’ve been here a long time!”

No answer. And as I raise my hand to knock again, the doors at the far end open.

Two people in lab coats walk in, carrying clipboards. One stands over the person in the bed, performing all the usual medical tests. Eyes, ears, throat, pulse… but wait. That arm. It’s missing. The hand. The doctor pulls up the other arm, also handless. I stare through the window at the arm stumps, wrapped in white bandages, red stains at the very ends.

I can see everything.

Then the other doctor steps around and pulls a scalpel out of her pocket. And with a quick slice. Cuts off an ear.

The first doctor has turned away from me but then I see that he has cut off the other ear. They wrap the occupant’s head with bandages, while the patient thrashes on the bed. They give the patient a shot from a syringe, and the thrashing stops.

Then they go to the far doors and leave, but before they do, I can see that one doctor is chewing on the ear he holds. Worrying it with his teeth, like a piece of jerky.

I pound on the door, shouting incoherently. The female doctor glances up at me and nudges the other one. He looks at me. Tearing on the ear in his mouth. He nods. A promise. To return.

Then they leave, and as they go, the lights in the corridor go out. I can see is the glowing holes at the other end, baleful eyes glaring at me, casting murky patterns of shadow and light on the floor and walls between.

My friend, Bliss Morgan, does a daily writing prompt on Google+ in October called “Nightmare Fuel”. This is Day Two.

Congratulations on purchasing your new Ocular Enhancer 3000 from TBM Industries! In your shipment, you will find one (1) Ocular Enhancer 3000, one (1) Ocular Enhancer Storage Case, one VoxxStopper 99, and one (1) Ocular Adjuster 5.1. Before you can use your Ocular Enhancer 3000, please follow these instructions:

Place the Ocular Enhancer 3000 in its storage case.

Remove the Ocular Adjuster 5.1 from its packaging.

Remove the VoxxStopper 99 from its packaging.

Appropriately place the VoxxStopper 99 in position, between the Maxial plates and down through the Esophagal tunnel.

Keeping the Cranial Globe steady, position the Ocular Adjuster 5.1 before one of your two Ocular Organ.

Slowly move the Ocular Adjuster 5.1 towards the Ocular Organ while turning the handle on the rear of the device.

When Ocular Organ is properly adjusted, repeat with the other Ocular Organ.

When both Ocular Organs have been properly adjusted, remove Ocular Enhancer 3000 from its storage case and install.

Remove VoxxStopper 99 from Esophagal tunnel.

Congratulations! Welcome to life with your Ocular Enhancer!

Note: TBM Industries is not responsible for improper Ocular Adjustments or incorrect Ocular Enhancer installation, or improper use of the VoxxStopper 99. If Ocular Adjustments do not occur properly, seek medical attention. You may wish to have a friend hold your Cranial Globe while applying the Ocular Adjuster. This device not regulated by the FDA, the AMA or any other agency. Use at your own risk. Oh my god, you’re blind.