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JIMMY KIMMEL

“At the Billboard Music Awards the big winner was Taylor Swift. She won eight trophies. I wonder if she even keeps them at this point.”

“Researchers have found that children in preschool are exercising only 12 percent of the day. The rest of the day was spent napping, eating, or generally sitting around doing nothing. It’s called training them to be Americans.”

“Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I’d like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host ‘The Apprentice.’ His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump’s.”

“Kim Jong Un — it’s really Catch-22 with him. If you close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off. If you open them, you get shot for laughing at his haircut.”

“Expedia released their rankings of the most annoying drivers in America. For the 15th year in a row, the most annoying driver on the road is every driver but you.”

JIMMY FALLON

“Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. They encouraged Tom Brady to ‘be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.’ And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday.”

“The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.”

“Senate Democrats blocked President Obama’s trade bill yesterday because they’re worried it could hurt jobs. It’s not an issue for Republicans, since they’ve all found work as presidential candidates.”

“During a charity boxing match, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield’s fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.”