Thursday, December 31, 2015

Another year is wrapping up and we all edge closer and closer to our dying day. Each day we get a little bit closer to the end, closer to breathing our last breaths. With every day we realize more and more how meaningless life is and how meaningless our lives are. But before we succumb to the hopelessness that is life (and inevitably knife ourselves), let's reflect on ridiculousness that was 2015.

Shall we review the most paramount moments of 2015?

1) That time my dog was constipated for a week

My poor booboo couldn't poop, like, at all. She ate too much of the cardboard from those pasta boxes. It was heartbreaking, earth-shattering and how could anyone ever really forget that week of true bowel dysfunction?!

2) When I tried McDonald's vanilla ice cream for the first time

Absolutely divine.

3) When I didn't write a blog post about how I hated Taylor Swift

I'm trying to take the high road here. Really, really trying.

4) When I finally made that inevitable switch to Colgate

After years of vacillation, I finally had to make the big decision. I had to make a choice and stick to it for good. I finally chose the Colgate. Spongebob sparkly bubblegum: I shall miss you.

5) When the U.S. continuously supported a modern day Hitler

There are no words.

6) When Jennifer Lawrence didn't get paid 'nuff.

10 million a movie just ain't cutting it for J-Law. And why should it? Why should she have to work her cute little butt off for 3 months out of the 12 for only millions of dollars?! Not fair, not cool, no way.

Help me, I'm white, rich and poor!

7) When I didn't get the flu shot... again.

Gosh dung it.

8) When my neighbor's fish died.

It really was a very nice fish.

9. When I beat level 300 of Candy Crush... FINALLY

10. I finished a whole watermelon.

This was no easy feat. There I sat at my kitchen table, for nearly 30 minutes, pushing watermelon into my face until I completely hated myself and everything around me. It was magical.

Overall, 2015 was a year of triumph, tragedy and Trump. Happy New Year to you all!

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

The news has been one big boner kill as of late. Everyday there seems to be YET AGAIN something else to make us hate being alive.

We wake up (in a bed if we are lucky), we shlep our way to work (if we are lucky... or unlucky enough), we experience the day with all of its annoyances and griefs, just to return home (assuming we haven't been shot down or blown up by someone committed to God or someone just committed to killing) and then we watch or read the news to see who did not make it through the last order of business of the day: staying alive.

During these endless days of dodging bullets, kissing asses and wishing that the guy on the train next to you would just fucking clip his toe nails another time, you start to lose hope. You lose hope that you will ever be happy, you will ever see the light at the end of the Grand Central tunnel (okay maybe I am personalizing that a little bit). Regardless, you feel hopeless. But then, the universe grants you a small, modest glimmer of hope. A tiny, merciful gift of the gluteus maximus nature:

cute guys' butts.

I began noticing these butts a few weeks ago while watching the miserable show The Leftovers. While normally the show wants you to feel suicidal, it slipped up when it gave the viewer an above average look at Justin Theroux's beautiful bedonk.

I mean, the guy is seriously talented in the crap factory area. Never in my life did I need a view of a cute butt more than at that moment. Emerging from the bathtub, Justin Theroux's buns were the hope and change that Obama promised and finally delivered.

Justin Theroux's butt was everything in that moment (and nothing at the same time).

That night, I felt truly blessed to be on the Earth. Then, last night, two more miracles occurred. God or Jesus or Mary-Kate and Ashley, I don't know who, but SOMEONE gave us the gift of a full view Uncle Jesse's buttocks. I mean, this was truly a spectacular Hanukah miracle. Uncle Jesse (or John Stamos or whoever the fuck he REALLY is) can light my menorah ANY day.

Only a couple of hours later, something even more miraculous occurred. There I was, already high on life, high on hot guys' heinies and BAM: Justin Theroux's butt is on my television screen AGAIN. I mean, really? What have we all done to deserve such a treat? And in such copious amounts?! I must have done something right in another lifetime.

The truth is, we need more cute butts in this world. In times like these, when the whole world is going to shit, all we REALLY have is cute butts. All that really inspires us to wake up in the morning are these beautiful, flawless dumpers. Sculpted, plump and perfect for our perverted viewing pleasure.