rats in the attic. tails are tragic. broken air conditioner. feeling the heat. power in another’s name. no cable. no internet. no connection. no money. moving alone. feeling alone. feeling lonely. feeling lonely surrounded by people. people being mad. people being silent. people questioning character. character-flaws. o.c.d. a.d.d. no tv. tv imitating life. life imitating art. total eclipse of the heart. milk makes me fart. farts smell like shit. life smells like shit. i want it to quit. the shit. not the life. i like the life. i want to live it. i want to dance. i want to be free. i want to smile. it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile. so i try to smile. it’s difficult lately. interviews. disappointments. the timing is off. it’s not my moment. one day it will be. and then i will own it. until then i lease it. i need to release it. i need to release the tension. no attention. i need an intervention. friendships. sinking ships. chips and dip. dents in cars. highway scars. insurance rates. mother’s day dates. dates in june. hotel rooms. too little, too late. leave it to fate. it’s dark in here. tell the rat to hit the light. merry happy to all, and to all a good night.

These are two :30 radio spots that I wrote for Sonny’sBaby Backs for Babies promotion during my internship with The Ad Partners in Tampa. The client chose the first one, which was produced and aired.

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“Baby Backs for Babies” #1 / :30

MUSIC: soft and soothing … builds and fades

VO: It’s in our bones to be warm and tender.

MUSIC … builds and fades

VO: Some may even call us sweet.

MUSIC … builds and fades

VO: But enough about our baby back ribs…

Because right now, when you order a rack for only $12.99, Sonny’s will donate a portion of the proceeds to the March of Dimes to help save the babies who need it.

SFX: baby laughter

VO: You have good taste, so eat for a good cause.

Sonny’s. Do something warm and tender.

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“Baby Backs for Babies” #2 / :30

VO: When Sonny developed his signature baby back ribs, it was a sweet idea …

When he decided to give them the special price of $12.99, it was even sweeter …

Sonny is a real sweet guy, and has always shared this with others. That’s why right now, when you order a rack of his fall-off-the-bone baby backs, he will donate a portion of the proceeds to the March of Dimes to help the babies who need it most …

These are some :60 radio spots that I wrote for Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue during my internship at The Ad Partners in Tampa. A derivative of #4 was chosen by the client, and was produced and aired. (Audio file of the actual spot that ran coming soon.)

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FERMAN #1

Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue would like to say “Thank you, Tampa Bay” for making us Tampa’s number one Mazda dealer. Come in now for our 15th Anniversary Sell-A-Bration to see what makes Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue so different. Not only do we offer a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the State of Florida, we do so without the hassles you’ve come to expect when buying a new car.

And right now, there are even more reasons to celebrate with savings up to $8,000 on remaining 2008 models. Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month. And as always, $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase!

So, before you drive around to every dealer in town, ask yourself – is there really another place you need to go? Great deals; great people; all in only one stop. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive a New Mazda today!

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FERMAN #2

Buying a new car can be a hassle, so Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue would like to help. We’re Tampa Bay’s number one Mazda dealer because of you, and to show our gratitude, we’re offering you a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the state of Florida.

It’s our 15th anniversary, and instead of giving us the traditional crystal, let us give you some untraditional savings. Celebrate with us, and save up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models. Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month. And as always, get $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase!

So why drive around to every dealer in town when you have the number one dealer in your backyard? Great deals, great people, all in one stop. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive a new Mazda today!

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FERMAN #3

We’re Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue, and we’re finally fifteen! We know we have a year left before we can drive, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want you to!

Come celebrate with us and see why we’re Tampa’s number one Mazda dealer. Maybe it’s because we offer a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the state of Florida…Maybe it’s because we do so without all the hassles that come with buying a new car…OR, maybe you’ll just need to see your reflection in the window of one of our models and you’ll just know. It’s because of you.

To show our appreciation, we’d like to offer you savings up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models! Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or, be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month! And as always, we’ll give you $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase!

We know we’re only fifteen, but we’re mature for our age. We know that we’re the best people, offering you the best deals, right in your backyard. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive a new Mazda today…we call shotgun!

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FERMAN #4

We’re Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue and we’d like to thank you, Tampa Bay, for making us Tampa’s number one Mazda dealer. [SFX: chant, “We’re number one!”] We were going to send out thank you cards, but we felt bad about the amount of paper we were using. [SFX: paper crumbling] Then we thought about sending each of you flowers, but we know some of you have allergies. [SFX: sneeze] So, instead, we’ve decided to show our gratitude by offering you a guaranteed low price on any new Mazda in the state of Florida.

It’s OUR fifteenth anniversary, but we’re celebrating by offering YOU savings up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models. We’re nice like that. [SFX: group, “Awww…”] Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or, be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month! That’s right…you can be one of the first. You trendsetter, you. And as always, we’ll give you $500 in free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase.

You could drive around town looking for a better deal, but you’d just be wasting gas. And in today’s economy, who can afford that? [SFX: woman, fades off, “I know I can’t…”] Just come to Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Great people, great deals, all in one stop. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

Test drive your next new car today!

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FERMAN #5

Here at Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue, we don’t like to brag. Although we are Tampa Bay’s number one Mazda dealer. We also don’t like to go on and on about our experience in the car-selling business, even though it’s our fifteenth anniversary this year. What we do like to do, here at Ferman Mazda, is save you money. So that’s what we intend on doing. Not only do we offer a guaranteed low price on any Mazda in the state of Florida, we do so without all the usual hassle that comes with buying a new car, but we don’t like to boast about how easy we are to work with.

Right now, we’d like to offer you savings up to $8,000 on remaining ’08 models. Get the sporty 2008 CX-7 from only $17,9 or $179 a month. Get the Mazda CX-9 2008 Motor Trend Sport/Utility of the Year from only $21,9 or $249 a month. Or, be one of the first to get the 100% redesigned 2009 Mazda6 from only $199 a month. We don’t want to show off, but we’ll also give you $500 free gas and $10 oil changes with every purchase.

Here at Ferman Mazda, we don’t want to toot our own horn…we want you to do it for us…from behind the wheel of your new car. Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue. Call us today at 888-444-ZOOM or visit us online at FermanMazda.net.

These are some headlines that I wrote for an outdoor piece for Ferman Mazda on Florida Avenue during my internship with The Ad Partners in Tampa. My creative director, David Allen, went with the one in bold.

These are :30 radio spots that I wrote for Sonny’sHams and Turkeys To-Go promotion during my internship with The Ad Partners in Tampa. The first one was chosen by the client, and was produced and aired.

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Sonny’s Holiday Helpline #1

Automated Voice: Hello, and welcome to Sonny’s holiday helpline…

For hams, press one,

For turkeys, press two,

For family mediation, press gently on your temples and rub in a

circular motion…

We assure you that all calls are confidential. Your in-laws will

never know that your “homemade” feast wasn’t exactly made at

home. Sonny’s hams and turkeys are only a phone call away from

your serving tray. Let us do the work so you can concentrate on the

details…

Like polishing that tray.

VO: Sonny’s hams and turkeys to go. All you have to do is set the table.

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Sonny’s Holiday Helpline #2

Automated Voice: Hello, and welcome to Sonny’s holiday helpline…

We’re here to make your holiday run smoothly by providing you

with hams and turkeys to go. We assure you that all calls are

confidential – we’ll never let your in-laws know that your

“homemade” feast wasn’t exactly made at home this holiday

season. Why spend hours in the kitchen? You could be dusting.

You have to be prepared to pretend your house is that clean

year-round. Sonny’s hams and turkeys to go are only a phone call

away from your serving tray.

VO: Sonny’s hams and turkeys to go. All you have to do is set the table.

there was this bug crawling on my wall. not a big bug, i guess it may have been a baby. it was crawling on my wall and i tried to kill it with a shoe. i thought i did. the bug laid still as i walked with it atop the bottom of my shoe into the bathroom.

i threw the bug carcass into the trash can. a few seconds later, the bug began to crawl again. i scooped it out of the trashcan with a paper towel roll, and it fell on the floor. then i tried to smoosh it with a paper towel into the floor.

i thought i had, so i tried to toss it from the paper towel into the toilet. i took one swift shake downward toward the water, and the bug started crawling out of the paper towel.

i took the bug outside and blew it off the paper towel into the night air.

i felt like this bug deserved to live another day. this bug fought the good fight.

why do we say, “walk the dog”? we’re all sentient beings. all capable of emotion. sure, humans are more rational, more logical. but we all have the ability to learn. we just have to find a way to communicate effectively. for all we know, dogs could consider us the lower life-form. they probably feel sorry for us. i wouldn’t be surprised. opposable thumbs are for chumps.

so, instead of, “i took fido for a walk today.” how about, “fido and i went for a walk today.” or, if you insist, “me and fido went for a walk today.” it would be grammatically incorrect, and, frankly, a little self-centered, but you could say it if you wanted to. egotistical prick. it’s like when people are racist, on account of their upbringing and whatnot, and they know they’re racist, but they don’t want to be racist, so they call all black people “african american.” you know, ’cause they’re all from africa. they may not all be from africa, but i’m certain that they all like watermelon, corn bread, fried chicken and kool-aid. excuse me. “purple drink.” [on a serious note, all of the previously-mentioned foods are delicious, but everyone knows that “red drink” is the superior drink. i mean, come on.]

you know what i’m really fucking tired of? like you can stop me anyway. well, i mean, you could if you wanted to. it’s a free country. you could just “x” out of this. go ahead. i fucking dare you. you won’t do it. because if you did, you’d be like, “oh snap! what if that crazy carpet-muncher was the keeper of some sort of pearl necklace of wisdom that i’ve been searching for for, i don’t know, say a good minute and a half.” and then you “x” and miss it. and i’m all, “ohhh! sucks to be you!” and then you get mad at me for being like that. and then i get mad at you for going all “x” on me. and then we give each other the silent treatment for two weeks. so i’m really fucking tired of when white comics do the “acting black” shtick and vice versa. like all white people play golf and wear their pants up to their nipples. i must admit, i do indulge in a good “dude” now and again. ok, fine. i say it all the fucking time. anyway, that brainless comedy is tired, dude. i apologize for the language, but jesus, these golf pants are cutting off the circulation to my tits.

in conclusion, judge not a creature by its constant napping or incessant leg-humping. my spanish friend fido, mi amigo fido, if you will, just can’t help it. just kidding, just kidding. of course i know that not all hispanic people are from spain. judge a creature by its existence. because we are all of the same creation.