September 18, 2005

A glass full of teeth

Dear Home Depot,

I have been a huge fan of your store ever since it came to my humble little town. I have bought 2 lawnmowers, 3 weed whackers, tools, lightbulbs, weed killer, lumber, ceiling fans, light fixtures, plants, and assorted other items over the years and have enjoyed the countless hours within your walls. To me, you're even more fun than being in Victoria's Secret because people don't look at me strangely when I'm in your store by myself, and I actually know people who use what they've bought from you. Unfortunately, I do have one small complaint, though.

It's like this, Home Depot. I have never asked anything of you other than to provide me with low prices and good merchandise, which you've done countless times. Today, I'm asking for something in return. It's not a monetary thing. I'm not asking you to stock something out of the ordinary. I don't want a coupon or a discount or a deal. What I want is simple. I want the cashier known as "Kathy" to put in her teeth while she's working.

Yes, that's right, Home Depot, I'm asking that this nice woman (and she is very nice) wear teeth during working hours. No, I don't expect her to rip open packages with them or to use them to bite off tags, I just don't want to see an all-gums smile that early in the morning. Watching her lower lip flap in the wind like a skin flag is enough to make me hurl. And please don't make me describe how I feel when I see her tongue slither out from between those rubbery lips like a pink, pointy-headed snake. I just can't do it.

Like I said, Home Depot, I love your store and enjoy giving you my business, but I just can't take any more of that flap-lipped woman. I'm sure if you spoke to her nicely about it, she'd go home, open her fridge, remove the glass full of teeth from the top shelf, and slip them on. Tell her it's an OSHA rule or something that all employees must wear teeth during working hours. I don't care how you do it, but please, Home Depot, make Miss Kathy wear her teeth.