The English Sense of Humour

A man walks into a doctor's office. He
has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right
ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor
replies, "You're not eating properly."

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"Not now kid!"

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A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man
called the waiter and said:

There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter
shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?

2 birds. The other 3 fly away!

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An English teacher wrote these words on
the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then
asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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The woman was in bed with her lover and
had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open
and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are
you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he
was stupid?"

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What's the definition of a pessimist? A
pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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Mark
called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the
wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating,
I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."

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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and
an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his
beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out
of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT,
SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

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A man was injected with a deadly poison,
but, it did not kill him. Why?

He was already dead!

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A Scottish farmer was in his field
digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked
over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we
just grow them for our own mouths!"

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1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come
from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her
myself!

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Charles
was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be
late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for
the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

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Five Englishmen boarded a train just
behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before
the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the
back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and
called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the
door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the
Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed
by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try
this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the
Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the
conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the
Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the
Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid
out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on
his head?

Because from a distance they looked like
hares!

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An English man and an Irish man are
driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of
both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration
of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that
moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year
old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may
the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The
Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted
over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies:
'' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and
Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style
train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then
there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train
came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if
nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had
been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The
Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped
me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The
English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and
got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is
great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing
noise and slap that English b**tard again .

Jim was speeding along the road one fine
day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's
wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife
fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A Scots boy came home from school and
told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful,"
says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part
of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and
tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a
farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One
night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in
attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern,
Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the
proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints
be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait
a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child.
"You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!"
Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's
attracting them?"

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy
American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would
give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

A customer ordered some coffee in a
cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a
few moments, the customer called for the waitress "Waitress," he said,
"there's dirt in my coffee!". "That's not surprising, sir,
replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."

Two Americans are talking. One asks:
"What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man!
In communism it is the other way around!"

An English man, Irishman and a
Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The
pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for
free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says
"Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.
In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into
the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman
replies "No, but it happened to my sister."