Sunday, May 27, 2012

You are almost 6 months old, and every night I think to myself as I lay you down in your crib that it is impossible to love you more than I do right then. Inevitably the next morning as I pull you into my arms I realize I do. Every single day I love you more than I could have ever imagined. My whole life has changed. Tragic news stories about a missing child, or something terrible happening to a young woman grip my heart with terror. Commercials about fathers and daughters bring me to tears. I am aware of my surroundings with animal like instincts when you are with me. Things I never paid attention to before I notice. Your safety and well being is my major concern all the time. And I love it.

As you transition from a infant to a baby I am in constant amazement by you. Every day you learn something new, you change, you grow. And every day I am more and more proud of you. You currently are going through a "stranger danger" phase, where you really only want to be held by your Papa or I. Even when people you know are holding you one of us has to be close and in your sight for you to know you're safe. Part of me cringes and wants the person holding you to have a good experience, but the other part is so overwhelmed and proud that Tony and I are your safe place. That we are doing a good a job and that you know we will always give everything we have to keep you protected.

I am constantly emailing your pediatrician to ask about the plethora of things I have found on the internet about what I should be doing for, with, or to you to ensure that you are getting the best of everything. I am incredibly grateful that we are fortunate enough that I can take this time to stay home with and take care of you. Your Papa works so hard to make sure that we are all taken care of so amazingly. I hope that you find a partner just like him some day. That loves you and your family the way he loves and cares for us. He really is incredible and the both of you are my entire heart.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

NEVER sleeps!!! Okay that might be a slight fabrication. She is just in this phase where she won't sleep at night. The last SEVERAL nights Zoey wants to be in bed with us. The fact that her crib is in our room is just not cutting it for her. This makes for a VERY tired daddy and Papa. It is ONLY 7:30 and I can barely wait for her first nap so I can lay down with her (something they tell you to do, but I am not very good at). Is it too soon to slip Lunesta in her bottle? I love that one of our older friends suggested a little bit of whiskey in her bottle "It worked for our kids"... yeah I'm thinking that was pre CPS. No matter how hard I look I can't seem to find that suggestion in any of our baby books so we're going to skip that little gem of advice.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

So Tony and I celebrated our anniversary last week. I have to be honest and say that I am completely spoiled. He pulls out all the stops, surprises, and romance for these type pf things. We went up to Salish Lodge and Spa for the night. Upon arriving there were roses in our room and we were literally directly over looking a gorgeous water fall. I was immediately sent up to the spa for one hour of bliss while my husband tended to our baby. It was an amazing night. The thing is I can still remember exactly how I felt the first time I saw him. The butterflies in my stomach felt more like a flock of birds, my hands were sweating, and I could barely look at him much less speak to him. I knew immediately that something was different. Being the type of guy who was not at all interested in relationships, I avoided any situation which I might run into him again. Then one day he showed up at my best friends house for a party and I spent the entire day avoiding whatever area he was in, while at the same time talking mad shit to my friends about what I would to him etc. Then as I was leaving he asked if he could walk me to my car. As I opened my mouth to give him any one of the plethora of excuses I had in my head, we made eye contact and all I could say was Yes. I am so glad I did. So here we are. And he still makes my stomach do sommersaults. The touch of his hand still causes my heart to flutter. And best of all I get to witness our daughter fall more in love with him every day. I love to just watch him with her. The sight of my giant bear of a husband turn to mush when she smiles melts me. I am truly incredibly grateful for you Tony. Everything you are. I love you with all of me... even when you step out of line (JK JK JK).

I was a pretty lucky kid growing up. My mom was not perfect, but she was an incredible mother. Which is pretty remarkable when you consider that she did not grow up with a great role model for parenthood. Her mother died when she was 3 and her father was so overcome that he could not pull himself out of his own grief to be a parent to his children. My uncle, aunt, and my mom raised each other. Yet somehow, even though she was just a teenager when I was born and my father was not there, she became an incredible mom. I grew up clothed, fed, sheltered, and most importantly I always felt loved and like I was the most special person in the world. For the majority of my life it was just she and I (My dad came into the picture much later). She somehow was able to navigate being my best friend and also my moral compass. We didn't have a lot of money, my mom worked hard, AND yet always had time to play with me and go on weekly adventures. It is because of her that my biggest dream has always been to be a parent. To pass on the love and guidance that she gave to me. I went through some really dark years, a slave to drug addiction. I was horrible to everyone who dared love me. I was the most horrible to her. I was absolutely not worth loving, and yet she did. She never stopped. And ultimately it was the love and support of my parents that allowed me to fight my way back. My mother's love saved me.

Today when Tony tells me that I am "such an amazing Mama Bear" I know it is because I was shown how to be by her. I am so grateful that I had such an incredible example of how to be a good parent. My daughter gets to have this AMAZING woman to learn from, seek guidance from, and to be her best friend. That's worth everything to me. I love you mommy. Thank you for everything. There are not enough flowers on the planet for me to show you how much I love you.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the MOMMIES, Daddies who are also the Mama Bear, and Single fathers who have to be both. You are amazing!!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Okay... so Tony and I have decided to break up Mother's day and Father's day. Since I am the one that is home with the baby and make her schedule (YEAH RIGHT!) and am the one to be covered in spit up, poop, and pee MOST often (not that Tony isn't USUALLY covered in one or more of Zoey's bodily fluids, but he gets to go to work LOL) I will get Mother's day. What this REALLY means is that IIIIII GET TO GO FIRST!!!! Some of our friends have teased me, as if I am somehow forgoing my male/daddy/testosterone by celebrating Mother's day. I am THRILLED to be the mama bear in this house. I am so incredibly grateful to be able to see all the changes in our little girl, to see her smile first thing every morning, to be her "mommy". With Tony's unique work schedule we are both very fortunate that Zoey gets so much time with the both of us. Currently she is in the phase where she really only wants one of us to hold her or comfort her. Secretly I love this, and at the same time I fear we aren't doing something right. I know that grandparents, uncles, aunts, and god parents all want to be special to her, and I am sure they are. Sometimes though I wish people would calm down and just let her be the baby she is without trying to figure out her every mood. AND we are absolutely blessed to have so many people who love her so much and care so much about her.