Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Croatian breast festival

Croatian feminists are furious about the breast festival held in their country, where the bosoms of nubile women were weighed, measured and graded like so many tomatoes or aubergines. They pooh-poohed the organisers’ point that the purpose of the event was to raise money for a terminally ill man.“There are all sorts of other ways that they could have raised money for this man without insulting women," said Ruza Vukovic, a woman’s rights activist.I suppose you’re wondering which side of the dispute I’m on. It seems that some of my readers don’t know what to think about the issues of the day until they’ve received my direction.“I’m still waiting to hear whether you approve of the mankini,” wrote one correspondent in a recent email.Well, it’s not my business to takes sides on such controversial issues. The Prime Jungle Directive forbids gorillas from interfering in the disputes of humanity. Rather than batting for one team, my role is to mediate by suggesting an honourable compromise that might be acceptable to both parties.Is there a way this festival could have been made non-sexist? What if an equal number of male contestants had taken part, having their breasts examined and judged in the same way as the women? There is surely no question of demeaning women if the breasts of both genders are up for grabs.It goes without saying that the women would win hands-down in a unisex event. I hope no one will accuse me of being sexist when I say that women have much nicer bosoms than men. Many are the occasions on which I have grunted in disgust on seeing an overweight man pull off his t-shirt to reveal a hideously blubbery pair of man-tits. The moob is an ugly freak of Nature, as offensive to primate eyes as the African Banana Slug.In the tournament that actually took place, the title of most beautiful breasts went to Danijela Golubovic, a 23-year-old nurse:"It was a bit strange but after all it is for charity, and I'm glad that I could take part in helping to raise cash," she said.How fitting that a nurse, whose profession is to heal the sick, was willing to use her boobs to bring comfort to a dying man. I think I would love this woman if her chest were like William Shatner’s.A lady’s jahoobies are not always a force for good, of course. A man in San Francisco was unable to give the police a useful description of the woman who rammed his car because he was distracted by her bosom."He was able to describe the suspect as having a low cut dress and gave a detailed description of her cleavage," explained police captain Greg Corrales.It’s all too easy to mock the victim in such cases, while ignoring the infamous behaviour of the culprit. It would be a sad day for road safety if the perpetrator of a hit-and-run accident escaped justice because she had a vast pair of hooters.

I think you may have been raised by a human lady with ample cleavage GB, such is your interest in something lady gorillas don't even possess. I guess I'll have to e-mail your safari park manager's wife :)

It's not fair that guys can't compete. I've seen some moobs that could rival some of the well-endowed women of this world. Of course, they're downright disturbing when compared to their female counterparts. Heh...

Robyn: Interesting idea, Robyn. The problem is that penile size and shape depends on who's doing the measuring. A busty woman is likely to get higher measurements than a wrinkly old man.

John: I am pleased for you, if a little surprised. Did she make you feel like an adult baby?

Joe: My interest is purely anthropological, Joe. The manager's wife, who is average in the chest department, will confirm this.

Al: With a chest like that, who needs air bags? Maybe you should hire the woman as your nurse and chauffeur.

Herman T: I think a lot of women would feel better about their bodies if me were allowed to compete.

Billy: I think it's for real, Billy. The identity of the terminally ill man was publicised to get people to participate. You'll have to learn Serbo-Croat if you want to find out how much money was raised.

Exactly what is the point of raising money for a man that is terminally ill? Not to sound insensitive, but it makes about as much sense as when they waste valuable resources sending a 100 year old dude to medical school so that he can fill his withering brain with an education right before he croaks. Well, I hope they raised enough money to throw terminally ill guy one bitchin' party before he passes on. (Was it Hugh Hefner?)

I don't know what side to be on even after reading this, but that girl has no neck. And why couldn't guys weigh their balls instead of their breasts, then it may have been more equal. But in this game women are always gonna win. You never said if it was a success.

Cocaine Princess: Good point, Miss Princess. A woman should be free to use her boobs as she sees fit (as long as she isn't suffocating anyone).

Blue Grumpster: Ha, Brest Fest! Good rhyme - now let's see you use it!

Dr Ken: You should have applied to be a judge, Dr Ken, although I'm sure the competition was very stiff. We can all see the woman in the car has big boobs - a connoisseur of your calibre should have more to say about them.