A blonde walks into a library and
says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

The doctor says,
"Mr. Shapiro, I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Mr. Shapiro says, "Well, you might as well give me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "The lab called with your test results. You have 24 hours to
live."
Mr. Shapiro says, "Twenty-four hours? That's terrible! What could be worse?"
The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

Three priests are in a boat with three young boys when the boat starts to sink.
The first priest says, "We've got to save the boys."
The second priest says, "Fuck the boys."
The third priest says, "Do you think we've got time?"

Why was the nearsighted fly starving?He couldn't see shit.

Did you hear Mattel came out with a "Selena doll"?Ken and Barbie needed a maid.

What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?Homeless.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?They can smell it but they can't eat it.

Why shouldn't you buy a woman a watch?Because there's a clock on the stove.

A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with
him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the
coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off
'em."

A guy says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex
problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on,
either."

If a black guy and a Mexican get into a fight, who wins?
We all do.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? Yeah.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? They don't like any
kind of witnesses.

Rosegarten is sitting in his lawyer's office.
The lawyer says, "Do you want the bad news or the terrible news?"
Rosegarten says, "Give me the bad news."
The lawyer says, "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
Rosegarten says, "That's the bad news? What's the terrible news?"
The lawyer says, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Did you hear about the Polish girl who wanted to give blood?
She spent three hours wringing out tampons.

A tourist in a museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old
the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard says, "Three million, four years, and six months old."
The tourist says, "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started
working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Why do girls have belly-button rings?
So you can hang an air freshener.

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
Nothing yet.

What sexual position should a woman use to make an ugly kid?
Ask your Mom.

When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
The day his hand caught on fire.

Why did the Mexican put ice cubes up his nose?
To keep his lunch cold.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his
brother in the woods?

A child molester and a little boy and are out at night, walking
towards the woods.
The boy says, "It's dark...I'm scared..."
The child molester says, "You think you're scared? I've gotta walk back alone."

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.

A girl's on the witness stand.
The judge says, "What happened?"
She says, "I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an
alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can...I...I
don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later,
the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of
her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.
The guy says, "What the hell was that all about?"
She says, "I was just keeping it warm for you."
He says, "Cancel my hot dog."

What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.

What should you do when a musician comes to your door?
Pay him and take your pizza.

What's the difference
between a microwave oven and anal sex?
A microwave won't brown your meat.

Three ladies are in an obstetrician's waiting room.
The first lady says, "I'm going to have a girl, because I was on the bottom when we
did it."
The second lady says, "I'm going to have a boy, because was on the top when we did
it."
The third lady says, "Fuck! I guess I'm gonna have a puppy."

What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
It doesn't mean dick.

Where were all the white people during
"The Million Man March"?
In the ghettos, getting their stuff back.

It's a scary world. The other night, this guy was fucking me in the
ass, when he reached around and grabbed my dick.
I jumped up and said, "What are you, a fag?"

What does Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz" say when she needs money?
"A.T.M...A.T.M..."

A Chinese lady goes to the eye doctor.
He examines her and says, "Lady, you've got a cataract."
She says, "No, I've got a Rincoln continentoo."

A couple's making out in the movies.
She says, "Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum."
He says, "No, I was just clearing my throat."

What does a seventy-year-old snatch smell like?
Depends.

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They've each got about one chance in ten million of ever becoming a human being.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to
your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Why did God invent lesbians?
So feminists wouldn't breed.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.

How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you.

What's the definition of safe sex in West Virginia?
Branding the sheep that kick.

A lady says to the psychiatrist,
"I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

Harry is on his death bed, and he
says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Charlie?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Charlie."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his
girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.

Why are all the blacks moving to Detroit?
They heard there were no jobs there.

Why don't black people become astronauts?
Because they don't like to say "Yes, NASA", "No, NASA".

What do an Olympic gold medal, an Olympic silver medal, and a pair
of testicles have in common?
They've all hung under Greg Louganis' chin.

What's scarier than being married to Lorena Bobbitt?
Getting a divorce from O.J. Simpson.

How did they break up the Million Man March?
They handed out job applications.

Tired of jokes?Here are some mistakes in movies that you missed!

Star WarsWhen the stormtroopers break into the control room, watch very carefully and you
will be able to see a storm trooper nearly render himself unconscious by smacking his head
off a door frame.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's StoneAt the start of term feast, after Harry is sorted into Gryffindor, he sits down
on the right side of the table next to Ron. When the feast appears, Harry is on the other
side of the table, next to Hermione.

TitanicWhy oh why is one of the people getting on the life boats wearing a digital
watch? Surely they weren't around in 1912?

GladiatorAfter the battle with the Germans, the next morning after the tavern, he is
walking in the army camp and he feeds a horse a piece of apple. If you look closely
between Maximus and the horse, there is a crewman wearing a pair of blue jeans.

Attack of the ClonesOn Tatooine, Amidala presses a button to retransmit the message from Obi-wan. A
moment later, she presses the same button to bring up the map showing Obi-wan's location
and the distances between Tatooine and Couruscant. Not only does this same button do
double duty, but with one press it knows she wants to show the location of the three
planets.

Spider-ManIn the scene where Mary Jane is being mugged by four men, Spider-Man throws two
of the men into two windows behind Mary Jane. Then the camera goes back to Spider-Man
beating up the other two guys. When the camera goes back to Mary Jane the two windows are
intact.

The Fast and the FuriousIn the opening scenes when Brian goes back to the shop, he demands that he needs
some nitrous to boost his low top speed. Well I'm sure that most tuners will agree that
more horsepower doesn't equal more top speed, it only contributes IF you have a
transmission that can handle it and distribute it. I was sure they'd had some type of car
advisors on the film....

The Wizard of OzThe album "Dark side of the moon" by Pink Floyd seems to be in sync
with the Wizard of Oz if you start it right after the MGM lion roars the third time.

Gladiator In the battle with the Barbarian Horde one of the chariots is turned over. Once
the dust settles you can see a gas cylinder in the back of the chariot.

SoldierI guess in the year 2036 they have forgotten how to check a pulse. They throw
Todd away even though he is very much still alive. The General even says that he was their
best man. I guess he wasn't good enough for a 10 second pulse check.

The Fast and the FuriousIn the 4 car race with Brian, Dominic, Eddie and the Asian guy, Brian blows out
his passenger side floor plate after using the second Nos burst. But when he picks up
Dominic to escape from the cops, Dominic sits comfortably in the passenger seat.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's StoneWhen the three children get past Fluffy because the harp is playing, as Fluffy
wakes he dribbles on Ron's shoulder. However, when they fall down into the Devil's Snare,
his shirt is completely dry.

Spider-ManWhen Peter shoots his web at his bedroom lamp and pulls it across the room, it
smashes against the wall and breaks. But when Aunt May is talking to Peter from the door
seconds later, the lamp is back on the dresser in one piece.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's StoneIn the sorting ceremony, we see Susan Bones, the girl with long curly hair, was
sorted into Hufflepuff House. Later, in Professor Snape's Potion class, we see Susan was
sitting behind Harry when Snape questions him. Only Gryffindor and Slytherin are attending
in that class together - Susan was in the wrong class!

Attack of the ClonesWhen Amidala & Anakin are eating and he cuts her a piece of the fruit and
"floats" it back to her, the bite appears in the fruit a split second before she
actually eats it.

Pearl HarborWhen Evelyn first enters Pearl Harbor, there is a tall building that clearly
says, "Est. 1953." Obviously this is a little ahead of the times.

American PieIn the bedroom scene the girl is holding a clear cup full of beer. The camera
goes off her and when it comes back she is holding a blue cup. The camera goes back off
her then on her and the cup is clear again.

The MatrixWhen Neo is going to open the door to enter the Oracle's house, you can clearly
see a camera on the doorknob.

The Wizard of OzAfter the scarecrow gets a brain, he states the Pythagorean Theorem. However, he
incorrectly says it applies to an isosceles triangle when it applies to a right triangle.
He also not only gets the wrong kind of triangle, but he gets the equation wrong. He says
"the sum of the square roots of any two sides...is equal to the square root of the
remaining side." But it is really the sum of the SQUARES (not square roots). And it
is not the sum of ANY two sides. It is the sum of the two sides that form the right angle.
No doubt the Wizard got that brain in the clearance aisle...

The MatrixNeo and Trinity kill all those soldiers on the roof before the agent comes to
fight them. The agent shoots at Neo and during the whole dodging bullets scene every
single corpse is gone. More to the point, Trinity's disappeared too!

Want to know any more mistakes in your
favorite movies?
Just email me!