Monday, September 13, 2010

My friend B recently called me to lament the experiences of his dating life. He had been dating a girl for a few months and things had been going well. But on their fifth date, he had her over to his place for dinner and she made the fatal mistake of mentioning where all of her stuff would go if she moved into his place. Then she went a step further and mentioned that her apartment lease would be up at the end of October so she could move in with him in November.

This is of course an example of COMING ON TOO STRONG.

And it's one of the most common examples. Girls committing too quickly and guys turning into scared woodland creatures who run for the hills. (And of course, guys do it too. Break-Up Bag, anyone?)

But one thing that we don't usually mention is that in the newfound age of social networking and all things twitter, it's also possible to COME ON TOO STRONG. Somehow it's like the safety of having a computer screen in front of people sometimes makes it easier to open up - and the social cues we pick up through observation when physically talking to someone aren't there. And come on, let's face it, no one wants to be that guy - or more aptly, that twitter handle no one responds to.

The Dos and Don'ts - How to Avoid Coming On Too Strong in the Twitterverse

DO start conversations by responding to comments. Since most of us are rabid book readers, they're always a safe way make a connection.@sztownsed81: Reading *and loving* FAITHFUL PLACE.@jimnduncan: @sztownsend81 been meaning to get that. Love Tana French.

DON'T respond by saying something too personal. DON'T compliment people's pictures when you don't know them. It ends up sounding either condescending ("I'm usually fun and you look chipper") or creepy...or both.@shallremainnameless: I saw your beautiful agent photo. I hope i get to meet that smile in person one day.

DO keep in mind Twitter is about making connections, not necessarily about promoting yourself or your blog (do this, but don't just do this), or asking for query advice all the time.

DON'T try to insert yourself into an A and B conversation - just like In Real Life, it's awkward if two people are talking and a third person neither party knows just jumps in and inserts themselves into the conversation. Use In Real Life standards. If you wouldn't jump into the conversation if you were physically standing there, don't do it on twitter either.

Which leads me too...DO think about whether your humor will be lost in translation. Some times without "tone of voice" comments that might be funny in person can fall flat - or worse sound borderline psychotic - on twitter. (This does happen to the best of us...)

In the same vein, DON'T say things that make you sound like a stalker. Things like "I'll show up at your hotel room and make you read my manuscript!" will probably get you blocked.

DON'T spam people with tweets. Just like you wouldn't spam someone with calls or texts after a first date, you don't want to do the same with tweets. Wait for a response or wait for a few days and the next time they say something interesting.

DON'T be overfamiliar with someone you don't know. While the online community is amazing, it does sometimes create a false sense of intimacy. Exchanging a few tweets and reading blog posts doesn't make people best friends. Reading someone's blog, doesn't mean you should email them and ask personal questions. Facebook friending another writer doesn't mean you should call them to ask about their agent.

And...

In the same vein, DO be careful who you trust. Secrets and personal details that could be potential Gossip (*gasp*) is probably better told to someone you actually know. Like family or real best friends.

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comments:

HAH! Okay, I feel creepy because I see my scenario mentioned in here, and I am all stalkery for noticing it and commenting. :)

I kind of disagree about the interjecting yourself into conversations, though... sometimes that's a really good way to get to know people via twitter.

The thing about twitter is, it isn't a private convo because it's out there on the web for everyone to see, and I think it's okay, to a degree, for you to step in and participate. It's especially beneficial if you know one of the people and are hoping to know the other--it's kind of like in real life if you were at a mixer (aside, I'm not sure I've ever been to an actual mixer) and you wanted to meet a cute guy that one of your friends knew... it's the perfect set up for an introduction. Only, with twitter there's not as much need for an intro because you can just read their about page. :)

Jamie, I know what you mean about the "jumping into conversations" and you're right. Sometimes it totally works. But there have been moments when I've been deep into a conversations with three or four people about something and another person will try to jump in and it comes across as awkward. But what I should have mentioned here is that it really depends on the topic. Jumping into a conversation about books or movies is no big deal. Jumping into a conversation that's more of an "inside" conversation despite being on twitter just makes it look like the person is trying to jump in but doesn't know what they're talking about.

Contrariwise, users of media like Twitter often hold conversations, forgetting that anyone who follows the participants can see the entire thing. If the conversation is meant to be between the individuals, then Twitter isn't the medium to use. Its very purpose is to involve those that follow us/we follow.

Yeah, I was going to say what Joseph Selby said. I think there's been some interesting conflation between twitter and chat programs/IMs. It's almost a shame (almost) that google wave didn't take off, because it would have been a more appropriate place for those private/personal collaborative conversations. If twitter is a party, then I think having a private conversation on there would be akin to, I don't know, standing in the corner with your accountant talking in low tones about your taxes. It might be annoying that a stranger walks up and butts in and starts asking you what you're talking about, but it also should be understandable, given the venue.

I'm with you on the gist of this, though: annoying and intrusive people are annoying and intrusive!

I do agree with that Suzie... if you don't have anything to add on the subject, just jumping in and saying something for the sake of talking doesn't make any sense, and just makes the person look foolish.

Really, it's all about being patient and waiting for the right time to jump in and assert yourself. :)

Twitter is touted for its ability to gain someone followers and drive business their way. I saw the buzz it created for the author of "What's up Down There?" But this whole post and responses makes me doubt the wisdom of using Twitter to post any personal information, period. Seems like an invitation for stalkers. Is the potential gain for business worth it? Blocking someone who's already obsessed isn't going to keep them from finding you in person, or your dog. So I'm going to have to disagree on using twitter to talk about anything except business. Better safe and a little poorer.

I imagine most agents start the way I did, and by that I mean eager and wide eyed, ready to dive into the slush pile and find The Next Big T...

Five Random Things About Suzie

1. I drink so much orange soda, it's probably running through my veins. I've been known to go through a twelve pack of diet sunkist in a day.

2. I'm legitimately nocturnal (or a vampire). I will be so exhausted at two pm that I'm falling asleep standing up - it has happened before, at Six Flags no less - but as soon as the sun goes down I'm wide awake.

3. I have a gorgeous unused $6000 Reem Acra wedding dress hanging in my closet, and it showed up on my doorstep the same day my (now ex) fiance broke up with me. And thank God for that. I wouldn't have wanted to waste that dress on him.

4. Social anxiety plagues me daily. I write a script and practice in front of the mirror when I have to make a phone call, but most people who interact with me have no idea how nervous I am (or perhaps they lie) because I've worked so hard to try to overcome it.

5. I'm actually worried that I will never love my children (when I do have them in the far off future) as much as I love my dogs. I just like animals better than people - they're sweet and innocent and soft and furry - is that so wrong?

I imagine most agents start the way I did, and by that I mean eager and wide eyed, ready to dive into the slush pile and find The Next Big T...

quotes

金不一定閃 流浪者不都迷路

"I dreamed you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insaneI think I made you up inside my headI fancied you'd return the way you saidBut I grow old and I forget your nameI think I made you up inside my head" ~Silvia Plath, Mad Girl's Love Song

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." ~ Robert Frost

"Love is not love,Which alters when it alteration finds." ~ William Shakespeare, "Sonnet 116"

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther…And one fine morning-...So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, THE GREAT GATSBY

"For deadly secrets strike when understoodand lucky stars all exit on the run:never try to knock on rotten wood,never try to know more than you should." ~ Sylvia Plath, "Admonitions"

"The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in the love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become." ~ Milan Kundera, THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING

William Wilberforce: "No one of our age has ever taken power."William Pitt Jr: "Which is why we're too young to realize certain things are impossible. Which is why we will do them anyway."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." ~ Mark Twain

"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform." ~ Mark Twain

“You know what I am going to say. I love you. What other men may mean when they use that expression, I cannot tell; what I mean is, that I am under the influence of some tremendous attraction which I have resisted in vain, and which overmasters me. You could draw me to fire, you could draw me to water, you could draw me to the gallows, you could draw me to any death, you could draw me to anything I have most avoided, you could draw me to any exposure and disgrace.” ~ Charles Dickens, A MUTUAL FRIEND

"I think the idea of life after death is a bad idea. It distracts you from appreciating the uniqueness of the here and now, the moment you are living." ~ Joseph Campbell

"Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that is the inheritor of our fear...Cry for the broken tribe, for the law and the custom that is gone. Aye, and cry aloud for the man who is dead, for the woman and children bereaved. Cry, the beloved country, these things are not yet at an end." ~ Alan Paton, CRY, THE BELOVED COUNTRY

"To laugh often and much.. to endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better... To know even one life has breathed easier because you lived, This is to have succeeded." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"After telling the hard facts to anyone from lover or friend, I have changed in their eyes...[Some see it as] a mission, as if ...they can pull me back from the wreckage of that day. Of course, their best efforts are largely useless. No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved." ~ Alice Sebold, LUCKY

"Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?Proving nature's law is wrong it learned to walk with out having feet.Funny it seems, but by keeping it's dreams, it learned to breathe fresh air.Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else ever cared." ~Tupac, The Rose That Grew From Concrete