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;DHey Andy i may have been over reacting over the friends situation one was not mad at me was at his mom,s for two days and other posted personal message on facebook but that one is not communicating with me like before.Talk with a LTS yesterday even longer than me and said that my crying may not have to do anything with depression and a lot to do with low male hormones brought it up to doctor don,t know if it was order in the last blood test.Will have to call her Monday to find out he said that all the sometimes that I describe sound a lot like a reduction in the male hormone.Have to wait till Monday and find out.Dwayne

Have them check your hormones -- have them check everything. Just be open to talking to someone if depression is the cause. I know for some people they talk to a therapist almost everyday or every week. For me, since I'm not really an open up and talk kinda guy, my therapist just leaves my file open with no appointment scheduled. If I feel I need to talk I can call in a set something up. Sometimes it helps just knowing there is someone you can go to if you really need it ... even if you don't actually use it.

Hugs,AA

Logged

It is not the arrival that matters. It is the journey along the way. -- Michel Montaigne

Hey all went to doctor today have to wait to find out what the other doctor going to do.So excuse me for what I will say.While waiting sitting with my Thumb up my butt which should be a good but my symptom's persist.This is the fourth doctor am just tired of all the bullshit we will schedule this do that and nothing happens.Hey Guys Need info on who do I contact to find out what needs to be done concerning The Local AIDS organization and to report things?

I think I have gotten to the point that I moved permanently in my room could not take the crap that has been dealing with need time alone to sort out my life. I know I need additional help trying to find with no luck.Best described beaten and down trodden and the meds are just helping it along and yes requested med change by doc says your labs are coming back good.It may be good labs but the body aches and the constant mood swing not good and the psychologist will not change meds till blood test come back from other Doctor.So I wait and pray for the trip to Boston to get here I think a vacation is just what I need.Dwayne

I am tired of gloom and doom so am going to turn things bad into good.We are the only one that can do this.It is one of the hardest lessons one must learn I know the journey will be a battle every day.I finally realised that to survive this long I must have been able to fight the daily and win.I have always been good at given advice but found it hard to follow my own advice.I recently gave a friend the advice that he should not give a person the power over yourself to some one else.If you play the blame game that is what you are doing giving up the power to some one else.It,s not worth the hurt that it causes and take control of you life.Dwayne A Bourque

:'(Yes I am very said to inform every one will not be attending AM Gathering.Just broke my heart payed for non refundable Grey hound bus ticket to new orleans to use for any time will cost more.So dam if I do dam if I don,t.I don,t think you will be hearing from me for a while because am at the edge.Can,t take much more.Dwayne P.S Not that it really mattered anyway?

Hello all I am writing this to apologize to any one I may have offended it all happen due to my incompetence of not getting things things that were beyond my control.I am now single but still have his support.I am no longer going to put my self out there because every time have done so I get hurt but at those bad times you find out who your true friends are.I am more tired than usual talking about the meds and stress are waring me out was happy even if it was a short time.Now have to figure out what to do next don,t know any more.This being sad all the time is really starting to suck worst than usual.So I figure like the Mormons say Be In The World Not Part Of It I probably got that wrong but I understand the concept.Scooter

Don,t have the Hormone blood test done till 08-17-09 am going though hell.I am crying for some and no reason.These are the few things I feel -I am tired -I want to give up- I Quit -standing at the edge - don,t know which way to turn -in short words give in and gave out.thought sleeping alone would help was wrong can,t keep this up for much longer?Won,t get test results till 08-24-09 this is Louisana,s medical sitution slow and have not seen improvement in all these years.

I think this will be my last post because I think I am became a social outcast to that is fine with me.It has always been the way of my life.I hope that everyone fines what they are searching for.I will be content with my life because it is what it is and always was and always will be.I have searched in vain for the happiness for just a moment and so must except the way thing are there is no change.Dwayne A Bourque-AKA scooter-AKA cajunscooter-AKA Hoteyes 87Good Bye

Dwayne,Any change has to come from within. You and only you can change YOURSELF, provided you really want to change the way things were and are.Old habits die hard, and no pain no gain...but one has to start somewhere....don't they ?...!

:)Hello everyone had the hormone test done and the test results were normal.Since the last post have moved into my own room that way when not feeling 100% can go to my room and lock the door.Have been dating getting to old for all this to stressful . DwayneP.S. I will be making another milestone Monday It will be my 47 th Birthday. Yah

Knock me down to me 2009 has been a very Sad Year. But I keep on fighting even when I have no one in my corner.Still crying over things I can,t change and by the way the test for testerone came back normal .DwayneP.S. This is one of my Paintings of Dan the AIDS Bear

Knock me down to me 2009 has been a very Sad Year. But I keep on fighting even when I have no one in my corner.Still crying over things I can,t change

P.S. This is one of my Paintings of Dan the AIDS Bear

I was just thinking that we hadn't heard much from you in a while, glad to see you back. I like the painting very much.

as far as the sadness, I think all any of us can do is rely on ourself and keep fighting. I know and you know that it's terribly hard to do that; but I don't think there's really any other choice. I'll tell you the two things that I always try to think about that helps me make each of my hard days a little easier. It's my secret for making it through the days, and maybe it can help you too.

First I realize that I'm NOT in the hospital today. I've been there before myself, and had friends, family and lovers "trapped" there, and I don't think there's hardly anything worse than being deadly sick in a hospital. So any day I'm not there is a pretty damn GOOD day!

The second thing I tell myself when I'm having those tough days, and trying to give myself a reason to think life is worth living, or to give myself hope to get through until tomorrow, is that thank god no one died today! I'm 47 now and I've had a lot of friends die over the years. I've lost all my grandparents but one; and my father keeled over dead one hot August day in NC after moving the front lawn and laid there for 4 hours until the neighbors found him.

However, the worst part of death is that I've had to bury two long-term partners. I got to share nearly 10 years with each man before this damned AIDS ripped them away from me. Why it was just a year and a half ago I put my Jim in the hospital for only 60 days before I brought him back home and he died. He just missed by a month making it to his 52nd birthday because we didn't know in time that he had AIDS and cancer. I tell you, I hate it when anyone I love dies, but having your soul-mate, your love, the person that cares for you and brings you the most happiness die, well, those are the WORST days in life. So any day when no one dies is a REALLY GOOD day.

Oh and now that I've moved out of the North, away from the blizzards and back down South, if it's a sunny day and a warm day, then that only adds to it being a GREAT day for me.

I don't know how much my stories there will help you. You might have to find your own reasons to fight off the sadness, and your own reasons to think about why today isn't so bad; but not being in the hospital and no one dying today, those two thoughts are the only thoughts that have kept me going through the roughest parts of my life and hopefully thinking about those will help you too, buddy.

That Just the thing I have a friend in Florida that I have been chatting with for six months and talking on the phone for to months.It toke me two days to figure out that he was not on my facebook page any more an not listed at all on facebook.He was doing poorly the last few times we talked and I am afraid he may have died and there is no way to find out unless I can find his home phone number.It,s that not knowing that bothers me and 4 am this morning woke up with a fimilar burning on my leg.Shingles part 8 I have to wait to see doctor friday by then I should know for sure.I am tired of this happening but it happens when I am stressed out.Other wise health has been good.Thanks for the compliment.Dwayne

I was just thinking that we hadn't heard much from you in a while, glad to see you back. I like the painting very much.

as far as the sadness, I think all any of us can do is rely on ourself and keep fighting. I know and you know that it's terribly hard to do that; but I don't think there's really any other choice. I'll tell you the two things that I always try to think about that helps me make each of my hard days a little easier. It's my secret for making it through the days, and maybe it can help you too.

First I realize that I'm NOT in the hospital today. I've been there before myself, and had friends, family and lovers "trapped" there, and I don't think there's hardly anything worse than being deadly sick in a hospital. So any day I'm not there is a pretty damn GOOD day!

The second thing I tell myself when I'm having those tough days, and trying to give myself a reason to think life is worth living, or to give myself hope to get through until tomorrow, is that thank god no one died today! I'm 47 now and I've had a lot of friends die over the years. I've lost all my grandparents but one; and my father keeled over dead one hot August day in NC after moving the front lawn and laid there for 4 hours until the neighbors found him.

However, the worst part of death is that I've had to bury two long-term partners. I got to share nearly 10 years with each man before this damned AIDS ripped them away from me. Why it was just a year and a half ago I put my Jim in the hospital for only 60 days before I brought him back home and he died. He just missed by a month making it to his 52nd birthday because we didn't know in time that he had AIDS and cancer. I tell you, I hate it when anyone I love dies, but having your soul-mate, your love, the person that cares for you and brings you the most happiness die, well, those are the WORST days in life. So any day when no one dies is a REALLY GOOD day.

Oh and now that I've moved out of the North, away from the blizzards and back down South, if it's a sunny day and a warm day, then that only adds to it being a GREAT day for me.

I don't know how much my stories there will help you. You might have to find your own reasons to fight off the sadness, and your own reasons to think about why today isn't so bad; but not being in the hospital and no one dying today, those two thoughts are the only thoughts that have kept me going through the roughest parts of my life and hopefully thinking about those will help you too, buddy.

I am afraid he may have died and there is no way to find out unless I can find his home phone number.It,s that not knowing that bothers me and 4 am this morning woke up with a fimilar burning on my leg.Shingles part 8

Wow. lets just hope your friend has been busy and hasn't passed away. Unless someone had access to his FB account, usually people stay on there a while after they pass away, because no one thinks to cancel things like that. I have three friends with myspace pages still online who passed away several yrs ago because no one has canceled their accounts. (usually because other people don't know where all you are signed up and because they don't know your passwords to verify canceling an account.)

Can you find his number through your phone bill, or caller ID log on your phone maybe? Can you email your friend?

Ouch!! Shingles! Is that 8 times that you've had them? How often does this happen?

I have a case of re-occurring herpes zoster (shingles) that breaks out on my left hand. The doctor has put me on acyclovir daily and I haven't had an outbreak in 3 years now - except for during the two months, I skipped alot of meds while my partner was in the hospital dying. Needless to day, not taking the med and being stressed out cause a whopper of an outbreak during a very trying time of my life.

Hey unfortunately don,t have caller ID but I hope I wrote it down somewhere.As for the shingles it happens when I get stressed out.I went to the Psychologist today and he said I need to stop stressing out over things you can,t control.But he also agreed that it is easier said than done.Well let me go I am going the find my pain meds.DwayneP.S. Thanks for chatting with me it helps.

Wow. lets just hope your friend has been busy and hasn't passed away. Unless someone had access to his FB account, usually people stay on there a while after they pass away, because no one thinks to cancel things like that. I have three friends with myspace pages still online who passed away several yrs ago because no one has canceled their accounts. (usually because other people don't know where all you are signed up and because they don't know your passwords to verify canceling an account.)

Can you find his number through your phone bill, or caller ID log on your phone maybe? Can you email your friend?

Ouch!! Shingles! Is that 8 times that you've had them? How often does this happen?

I have a case of re-occurring herpes zoster (shingles) that breaks out on my left hand. The doctor has put me on acyclovir daily and I haven't had an outbreak in 3 years now - except for during the two months, I skipped alot of meds while my partner was in the hospital dying. Needless to day, not taking the med and being stressed out cause a whopper of an outbreak during a very trying time of my life.

I don't blame you on using some pain meds. I've had actual full-blown shingles twice (on my right hip both times) and boy can it hurt. Even after the sores, healed up, I still felt pain in my skin there for a long time. The outbreak in my hand seems to only really hurt during the outbreak (thank goodness). If you're really prone to stress then, and these 8 outbreaks have happened in a very short amount of time, you might want to take to your doc about whether or not prophylaxis acyclovir might help.

No old cell phone bill that might have that phone number? Try not to worry too much about your friend - especially if it's going to make you that sick.

My site of shingles is my left side back now on my left leg and it is like some one poured a pot of boiling water on my leg.Most only get shingles on right are left side of the body.I come from a family that had a saying shingles was called the Belt and if you were unfortunate to have on both sides and they met each other you would die.Old wives tale with a bit of truth you won.t die you will wish you were dead because of the pain.We have I guess you would call a faith healer not sure how to spell it.Treater but French.Have been treated that way a few times and yes I have had shingles on both sides thank God not at the same time.There is no one that I hate in this world to wish this on.HorrorableDwayne

I don't blame you on using some pain meds. I've had actual full-blown shingles twice (on my right hip both times) and boy can it hurt. Even after the sores, healed up, I still felt pain in my skin there for a long time. The outbreak in my hand seems to only really hurt during the outbreak (thank goodness). If you're really prone to stress then, and these 8 outbreaks have happened in a very short amount of time, you might want to take to your doc about whether or not prophylaxis acyclovir might help.

No old cell phone bill that might have that phone number? Try not to worry too much about your friend - especially if it's going to make you that sick.

So what did you think of the new profile picture of me.Found a Harley Davidson cap in the trash never worn.Now if I could afford a leather vest or find a use one I would be a happy camper.Got Cap Black 501,s Nice Leather Boots almost ready to raise hell.LMAODwayne

i don't have any scars from my shingles, which is kinda sad. Since they were on my hip, I'd have to drop my pants to show them off. speaking of pants, I need some new 501s. I have a black pair; but they're about 10 yrs old with holes in the knees, ass, crotch and they're missing a button or two. ROFL Needless to say they've seen their share of fun over the years.

The new avatar looks nice! I thought you looked kinda "sickly" in the previous one. But you look like you were feeling better when this one was taken.

I used to try to change my pix out every month or so (and I use the same pix on my yahoo msgr); but I haven't been doing that so much for the last 1/2 yr. Thowing away, giving away, and packing up the rest of my life to move from OH to SC kept me too busy to worry about changing pix. The one I'm using now is about a month old. but at that point, I was unpacked, settled in, and finally felt like I was "at home".

So how goes it with the shingles? How long have you had this outbreak now. Are they still getting worse, or better yet?

I think the shingles are going to be bad.My local ASO was supposed to pay $200.00 towards my lot rent and they sent it to the wrong address an if not payed by the 5th of the month $50.00 more.So my case worker talked with someone in the rental office and exspained an was told they would wave the $50.00 Late fee.One hour ago I get a notice of eviction on my door for the whole $250.00 immediately.I am about to snap called my case worker and he freaked and told me to calm down but been crying for the last hour can,t help it.I am about to go around the bend so to speak.The money that would have been used for the rent was to pay other bills and food because was told it was a done deal.Now I feel like there is no escape.If we get evicted we would have to find $2000.00 to 3000.00 dollars can,t afford that as it is barely can afford to pay the lot rent here.I am so SCREWED an SCARED.Me calm down.Right this year has been one disappointment after another.Found out younger brother died of AIDS six years ago just found out this year.Could not go to the AM Gathering have a round trip bus ticket to New Orleans can,t use.September my older brother got Married and was supposed to go never got a invite because it would have hurt my Mom to much because when they could not contact me about my younger brothers death they thought I had Died also.Then I find out another reason was not invited was they did not approve of my lifestyle choices.So I wrote a Email to my brother asking him if he treated my younger brother differently than he did me ten years before it started a Big Email War the day before my last birthday.It broke my Heart but I was the better man I apologized for what was said not for who I am now I will never see my Mom , Brother again.And they wonder why I get shingles so often.Sorry about dumping this on you.You have your own problems.Thanks AnywayDwayne

dang! what a mess! I have a couple friends who swear that odd-numbered years are the worst!(but my worst years have alway been even-numbered or so knows? LOL)

an eviction notice is pretty troubling, but they can't throw you out immediately. The law gives you at least 30 days and usually up to 90 days before they can physically move you out. You'll know the real eviction is coming because you'll have to go to court first. but legally, yes, just being one day late with a payment allows them to warn scare you with an impeding eviction by giving you a notice. (usually it's that scarey "three day notice" too!) It covers their butt legally by informing you that you need to pay and haven't paid. (that's how you know that can't immediately throw you out. That notice is just a warning. It's not even a "legal" court-sanctioned warning yet.) Thankfully since it costs money to pay the court proceedings for an eviction, most landlords won't go all the way to court, especially if the money gets paid. If your ASO just sent the money to the wrong address, I'm sure you can get it all worked out long before anything really happens.

Can you tell I've had to deal with this before because of my povery? LOL Actually, I just recently avoided an eviction that my ex-roomie caused. I left when he screwed things up and moved back down south to live with my mom. He stayed there for another 2 months and moved out just as the first court hearing was scheduled. He didn't attend that, so they scheduled the sheriff to actually evict him but he moved the week before. But now there's another court date for him and they'll rule that he owes for the 2 months he stayed and court costs. That'll teach him to not be such a dumbass, hateful jerk next time (hopefully). I don't care though! Though I had to give away almost all of my belongings that I had for nearly 25 yrs in Ohio living with my two partners (who have both passed away from aids), now I'm living where it's warm (Yea! no more blizzards! ) and people love me.

Hang in there; but stay on top of that ASO so they get that rent money straightened out as soon as possible!

I found something to fill the void in my life painting.The only problem is that my hands go so numb from the neoropathy it makes it hard to do it and the tremors in my hands does not help.I am still mental at times but who is not,Four times last year I had the Rug pulled out from under me.1 finding out about my younger brothers death 2 buying a non refundable bus ticket to New Orleans 3 not going to the AM Gathering and 4 the worse by far was my older brother wedding did not get a invite because he thought it best not to hurt our mother she had already grieved thinking she had lost 2 sons to AIDS and she did not approve of my lifestyle choose.This happened the day before my B-Day

I found something to fill the void in my life painting.The only problem is that my hands go so numb from the neoropathy it makes it hard to do it and the tremors in my hands does not help.

Hey there! Just the other day I was wondering what all had happened to you. Glad to hear that things are sorta okay right now. Glad to hear you have something to do too! You know, keeping busy is not only a great way to keep your mind off how sick you might feel at times, keeping busy is one of the BEST ways to fight off depression. Even if you have meds, depression doesn't go away easily, and it takes a lot of work (projects, hobbies, exercise) to make the sadness take a break.

Don't push yourself too hard painting since it hurts, but keep at it. Don't let the pain make you stop, just take it easy and slow when it hurts. Hobbies, crafts, projects are supposed to be fun.

2 buying a non refundable bus ticket to New Orleans 3 not going to the AM Gathering

I'm sorry about that not working out for you, since it was a financial loss; but try not to be to down about not getting to go. You know there are over 11250 members here now, and it's usually less than 50 that ever get to attend the AM gathering. That only .4% of us that ever get to meet like that, so you're in the same boat as almost all the rest of us.

I know ever since I had to quit working and go on disability way back in the late 90s, something like the AM gathering will always be out of my price range until they hold it somewhere within driving distance of me. I used to ask them to hold it in Cleveland since I was only living 50 miles away; but now that I moved, I'll have to suggest Charlotte next year. (although I could probably drive down for a day if it ever ends up in Atlanta).

So just remember and next time they start debating on the location, to suggest somewhere close to you. Of course, your city (just like mine) probably won't get picked; but you never know. If nothing is ever ventured, then you can be sure that nothing will ever be gained.

I would have thought the worst thing last year was almost losing your housing! (I know that was the worst thing that almost happened to me!) I didn't get to attend either of my brother's weddings because I was in OH, they were in NC, and I was either too deadly sick or too poor to get home for those weddings. So I wouldn't sweat not getting to your brother's wedding too much.

Matter of fact, I've actually only been to one wedding in all my life. I just don't see much reason to go, seeing how so many people get divorced, plus there's that whole thing where gays can't get married here in (most of) the states. And that one wedding I went to, and was even the videographer/photographer for? well they were divorced in 9 months! Go figure! I sure won't be going to anymore - ever!

Hey leatherman thanks you are the only one that responds when I do post any thing.As for the AM Gathering they said they might be able to refund the ticket I sent the copy to them don,t know if they didn,t get it did not here from them again.Then there was theres always next year and we are talking about having it in New Orleans yeah right.I am done with it.

Hey there! Just the other day I was wondering what all had happened to you. Glad to hear that things are sorta okay right now. Glad to hear you have something to do too! You know, keeping busy is not only a great way to keep your mind off how sick you might feel at times, keeping busy is one of the BEST ways to fight off depression. Even if you have meds, depression doesn't go away easily, and it takes a lot of work (projects, hobbies, exercise) to make the sadness take a break.

Don't push yourself too hard painting since it hurts, but keep at it. Don't let the pain make you stop, just take it easy and slow when it hurts. Hobbies, crafts, projects are supposed to be fun. I'm sorry about that not working out for you, since it was a financial loss; but try not to be to down about not getting to go. You know there are over 11250 members here now, and it's usually less than 50 that ever get to attend the AM gathering. That only .4% of us that ever get to meet like that, so you're in the same boat as almost all the rest of us.

I know ever since I had to quit working and go on disability way back in the late 90s, something like the AM gathering will always be out of my price range until they hold it somewhere within driving distance of me. I used to ask them to hold it in Cleveland since I was only living 50 miles away; but now that I moved, I'll have to suggest Charlotte next year. (although I could probably drive down for a day if it ever ends up in Atlanta).

So just remember and next time they start debating on the location, to suggest somewhere close to you. Of course, your city (just like mine) probably won't get picked; but you never know. If nothing is ever ventured, then you can be sure that nothing will ever be gained.I would have thought the worst thing last year was almost losing your housing! (I know that was the worst thing that almost happened to me!) I didn't get to attend either of my brother's weddings because I was in OH, they were in NC, and I was either too deadly sick or too poor to get home for those weddings. So I wouldn't sweat not getting to your brother's wedding too much.

Matter of fact, I've actually only been to one wedding in all my life. I just don't see much reason to go, seeing how so many people get divorced, plus there's that whole thing where gays can't get married here in (most of) the states. And that one wedding I went to, and was even the videographer/photographer for? well they were divorced in 9 months! Go figure! I sure won't be going to anymore - ever!

How does other people deal with neuropathy other tha pain medicines.I take 9 Gabapentin a day and it offers little help.Sometimes the the numbness is so bad I want to Scream.It makes it hard to paint or type on a computer???Dwayne AKA Scooter