Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

Top ten ways to avoid looking suspicious

Here’s one that didn’t make that list: Park behind a local mini-mart with the driver’s seat empty and three passengers waiting —one holding a plastic hand gun in his lap. Note: Do not try this at home or anywhere else, especially if there happens to be an alert police officer in the vicinity.

You got some ’splainin’ to do

There’s never any excuse for driving intoxicated.A Woodinville driver couldn’t explain it to the first driver he hit, nor the multiple drivers who were victims of the resulting chain reaction. Goodness only knows what explanation he had for his wife when he was released into her custody after his arrest. He gets to “tell it to the judge” next. Please don’t drink and drive — the next excuse could be your epitaph.

If at first you don’t succeed…

…try the next car and see if that one’s unlocked. The definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over again, expecting the result to change. Our delirious defalcator did indeed repeat this action many times. Maybe he wasn’t as deranged as we originally thought, as the outcome was different on his last attempt: He was arrested on criminal attempt.

Skullcandy on his mind

A white male described as being in his mid 20s and about 5 feet 8 inches had something other than payment on his mind when he visited a local action/sports- related clothing and accessories store. He was observed sliding without the aid of snowboard or skateboard through the front door with the popular subject accouterment in his ill-gotten possession.

Take necessary precautions

If you bring a purse with you to your local favorite coffee-centric venue, make sure you have at least one strap clamped in your moist fist.

If you do decide to hang it over the chair back, be sure to have a handcuff attached to the purse and your wrist, plus a lead ball and heavy chain. Oh, and a cow with a large bell attached wouldn’t be bad either. With these prophylactic procedures in place, your chances as a distracted coffee drinker are improved against pesky purse snatchers. One unfortunate Woodinville woman learned this the hard way.