I wrote this list a while ago, back when my Xbox wasn’t dead or across an ocean. But I just found it on my computer and decided to post it after all, and meanwhile reminisce about how much I loved that game.

Top 10 Things I Learned from Fable II

1. I can’t be evil.

Seriously, I can’t. Not even virtually. For those of you who haven’t played Fable, a lot of the game revolves around making choices that effect the outcome of the game. You can choose to be a good hero or a bad one, or somewhere in between. Every time I tried to choose something that would qualify as “evil” or “bad” I would feel guilty. In fact, there was one quest with no “good” outcome, and after being traumatized by it the first time I played, I refused to do it in any subsequent games.

2. Everything you need to know you can learn from books.

If you want to learn a new facial expression, pick up a book! If you want to teach your old dog new tricks? That’s in a book too! As an academic, I definitely agree with this philosophy. Even though I’m fairly certain that the seduction techniques that you might learn from a book would probably not have the the desired effect.

3. If people like you, you get free shit.

That is, after all, how the world works, right?

4. Scars are bad, until you’re a hero.

In Fable II, you can’t really “die.” You simply get knocked out and wake up with a few more scars. By the end of my first time playing through, I was covered in scars. Every time I would go into a village people would say how ugly I was. Until I saved the world. Then they all immediately fell in love with me. Go figure.

5. People will inevitably walk too slowly in front of you.

Just like in real life, the computer controlled characters in this game walk really slowly in front of you. Right after telling you to follow them. Very frustrating.

6. It’s hard to get through childhood.

When I first started playing Fable II, my Xbox wasn’t working. It was nearly impossible for me to get through the first part, childhood. Once I got through it (saving every two minutes) I was fine for the rest of the game. I guess it really is hard to grow up!

When I was playing online with Fae, I would continuously get stuck in corners and have to restart, because I couldn’t get out. The first time I played, I bought a house… and then I couldn’t find it anymore. Because I simply couldn’t navigate my way around a virtual town. It was just too much for me.

9. Blond haired people are good, brunettes are neutral and god forbid you should have black hair!

If you play online, the second person because your sidekick and they’re asked to pick from a few different character designs. The “Good Female” is blond, of course. “Neutral Female” is a brunette, and the black haired chick is super scary looking. The same thing happens with your character… your hair gets lighter or darker based on your choices. Your dog changes colour too. Very strange.

10. I actually do want a dog.

I never did, before. I’ve always been a cat person. But the dog in Fable II is so adorable! And when you upgrade you can get a husky! I paid real money for that husky…

I hate how slowly people in games walk when they’re trying to lead you somewhere. “Help! Come quickly! Werewolves have run off with my son! Please save him! I’ll show you where they are.” …And then crawl along like a school child headed to the principal’s office. Don’t hurry or anything.

I have a pretty bad spatial sense in games, too. This one game I played had randomly generated dungeons, so they were always twisty and turn-y and it took me a really long time to get used to them. I’d play with my brother online, and he was always saying “Um, where do you think you’re going?”

I guess that makes me neutral. So what are redheads?

I totally know what you mean about being evil! I hate being mean in games. I’ve managed to play two games as evil characters (they get different stories, so I want to see what happens), but I end up being as nice an evil person as possible. Like saving someone but then demanding lots of payment for doing it. I just feel bad about being bad. After winning KotOR, I wanted to see what the evil ending was and it’s really easy to switch to the Dark Side maybe an hour from the end of the game, so I went back and played the ending as an evil character. But I felt so bad that immediately afterward I had to beat the game again as a good character, to kind of wash the evil ending out of my memory. Good times.