Unintelligible Ramblings About Nothing of Importance

So, in preparation for gearing myself up for a big night of legal writing, I decided to cleanse the palate a bit between the office and resuming where I left off there here at my command center, featuring the oh-so-lovely pink Vaio (the fact that I own a pink computer will serve me well at the end).

I read through the blogs on this site as well as my other site. I checked out Facebook. I read most of the stories on CNN. I also read the Grand Forks Herald (everything you wanted to know about the farm bill and a story seeking information from anyone who happens to know about the three dumpster fires set last night (yes, that’s newsworthy in GF)). Finally, I had to check out my msn horoscope (which, since reading the horoscope telling me to let my loved ones know I do, indeed, love them because life was short and getting shorter, I’ve been a bit more reluctant to read). Before I could get to the horoscope, however, I happened upon two articles regarding the worst places to take men and women on dates.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been on a date, but I anticipate it will happen one of these days, so I like to be informed of any new rules…you know, so I don’t screw anything up.

Let’s start with the list of places never to take a woman. I will list these in the order in which they appear in the article.

1. Sports Bars. Uhh…are you kidding me with this?? Perhaps I am in a minority, but I happen to love sports. I also happen to love sports bars, especially when there is a great game on (read: hockey). I’m a fan of wings, beer and bar trivia. I’m also a fan of gigantic screens featuring uniformed players of (pick a sport) doing battle over a (puck, football, etc.). In the article, it states that women don’t want their cute outfits spilled on and have no interest in competing for their date’s attention. I take the opposite approach. If you, as a man, interrupt my game watching with some whiny need for attention with 30 seconds left in a game, I’m going to spill my beer all over YOUR cute outfit.

2. Theme Parks. Again, I must disagree. Who doesn’t love a theme park? Particularly a theme park with rollercoasters and churros? Apparently the writer of the article is prone to motion sickness and makes reference to churro-hoarking after a ride on the rollercoaster. Bummer that she can’t hang on the Vortex, but don’t drag the rest of your gender down with your weak constitution. If you’ve got a couple of tickets to Six Flags, I’m there!

3. Chain Restaurants. Well, this one may be a bit of a regional problem for me. Yes, now that I live in the City that Oxygen Forgot, there are a number of eateries that don’t feature “kids night” and flair; however, I grew up in a place where that was pretty much all there was. It’s never bothered me too much. I’m not particularly picky if I’m getting fed. Not being, in any sense of the word, a foodie, I’m more inclined to like a place where I can pronounce (and identify!) the food I’m eating. I get that this makes me sort of white trash. I’m pretty ok with that, though.

4. Gross-out Comedies. WHAT? Chicks don’t like gross-out comedies? I totally did NOT get this memo. The funnier the movie, the better and if that involves some spooge serving as hair gel, then so be it.

5. Paintball. I can’t give any sort of educated opinion on this one, but I’m inclined to think that I wouldn’t be completely opposed to chasing someone around with a gun full of paintballs and shooting at them. In fact, I am almost certain I would enjoy this immensely.

6. Meeting your Mother. This is the only one on the list that I am in COMPLETE agreement with. I don’t want to meet your mother for, like, a year…at least. Probably longer than that. I have nothing against your mother, of course, but until you know where the hell you are as a couple, bringing more family members into the mix just complicates shit and adds pressure that isn’t necessary.

So, that’s the women’s list. By all accounts, I am the anti-female. This probably explains a few things. Maybe I need to go to charm school or something so I can learn to eschew and become offended by the things that make me happy. Or, maybe not. I’ll be at the sports bar mulling this over.

OK, on to the men’s list. The following are places men allegedly do not want to go on dates. As I am not a guy (well, biologically, that is, as the above list would suggest the contrary), I have to attempt to step into the shoes of an actual guy. I’ll use a hybrid of a few guys I know and give it a shot.

1. Hiking. According to the article, men feel this activity ranks up there with reading Aristotle. The real life men I know do not appear to agree with this. In fact, most of them hike of their own accord, with no prompting from female acquaintances. Then again, I live in Colorado. There’s apparently something seriously wrong with you if you’re not down with hiking, so maybe that has something to do with it.

2. Opera. This one is probably true. I don’t know many people, of either gender, who can tolerate a lot of opera. I could probably get through an hour before wanting to kill myself, which means that my hybrid man would have offed himself about 10 minutes in. In this instance, Aristotle TOTALLY wins the “which is better” contest.

3. Travel. BZZZZZZZZZZ! The answer is…LIE! My hybrid man LOVES to travel. He likes going to Vegas for the weekend, road-tripping through 2 states for no real reason or jetting off to the Caribbean. The article cites money and missing work as the reasons men hate this activity so much. Lame argument, in my opinion. Men dig traveling. In fact, most people dig traveling.

4. Clothes Shopping. I’ll concede this, although various parts of my hybrid man don’t seem too bothered by this, but then again, if this is where you’re going on a DATE, then yes, this activity sucks. In fact, it may be the lamest date ever.

5. Relationship Workshops. This is one of those items on a list that is such a freaking “duh” item that it shouldn’t even be included. It ranks up there with, “trip to the morgue,” “pouring lemon juice in paper cuts” and “root canal” as massively un-fun things to do on a date. Granted, I’ve never actually BEEN to a relationship workshop, but I can only imagine that all they serve to do is point out everything you’re doing wrong in your relationship and you end up leaving bitter and angry, which then morphs into “action plans” and long talks about “where this is going” and “how to fix our problems,” and God, it just exhausts me to think about. I can’t blame a single man for wanting to avoid this activity like the plague.

So, there it is. What have we learned? Well, I think the biggest lesson learned is that whomever put pen to paper and came up with these ridiculous lists is even worse off in the creativity department than I am. Second to that is that I’m apparently a guy.

Except I’m not.

No, seriously. I’m not.

I have a pink computer, for God’s sake!

Oh, and I did finally make it to the horoscope:

Suddenly you have found your energy again and your engine is oiled up and ready to go, dear Scorpio. Put yourself into high gear and don’t let anything stand in your way. If disagreements with others arise, try to keep focused on the lessons that come from the situation, instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of it. Take things to a higher level and don’t be afraid to suggest radical change.

I did crank it up to high gear at least twice today, but things stood in my way. I also failed at keeping focused and not dwelling on the negative. I was dwelling on the negative like a sumbitch…sadly, all over my boss, who got a somewhat unwarranted bitch-fest thrust in his face. Note to self: apologize for that.

Maybe I can redeem myself and take this day to a higher level by getting my work done before midnight.