Welcome to my blog! I am an Italian actress living in the UK. I am passionate about acting in all its forms but specifically clowning, theatre and puppetry. In this blog I will talk about my ups and downs as a performer. About the moments I wanted to quit and the ones I was totally in love with acting. You will read about my experience as I discover the world of acting and growing up. Some articles will be short thoughts while others are longer reflections on a specific topic. Ps. English is not my first language so I apologise in advance for my mistakes. If you’re patient enough, let me know when something sounds odd in English and I will try to make it right!

I had a conversation with my mother some time ago. I think I have now really understood what the main difference between the two of us really is and why we tend to argue so often. She told me: “for a woman it is enough to have a comfortable stable job. A job that is always the same. Nothing too fancy, just an easy job for a stable income and with a very limited amount of responsibilities”. I didn’t think much of it at the time but what she said stayed with me for a while. I kept thinking: this isn’t me. I don’t really seek for the same thing every day. I need change, variety and creativity. Yes, I do get anxious about doing something which is not very predictable but the thought of having a job that is the same every day is not very appealing either. Also, I don’t even know if the job she had in mind could even exist. But anyway…

I believe that because I had the chance to travel and study abroad I have a different insight about life than my mum. I don’t think there’s anything wrong about it but we are just very different. For some time I wanted to change her and made her think that what I believed in was right but this isn’t actually fair. She did the same and she still is doing it with me though. I understand that this is what most parents do but it doesn’t mean it’s right. The truth is that she wants the best for me and can’t deal with the pressure of having a daughter with a future that is not very predictable. But wait a minute… It’s not possible to predict the future!

You can share your opinion but you can’t force someone else to believe in it against their will. And you can’t make someone feel bad if they don’t agree with you or don’t meet your expectations.

I think I have the right to find my own answers, to fail, to grow, learn and most importantly be true to myself. I need to follow my own path.

I think I have the right to find my own answers, to fail, to grow, learn and most importantly be true to myself. I need to follow my own path.

I don’t know if our worlds will ever meet. If she will ever accept me for the way I am. But at this point, I only want to move on and stop feeling guilty for wanting something different from life.

What I usually look for in a film is authenticity, creativity and an interesting message. But from time to time I just like a fun light movie to relax and laugh a bit! In general, I can say I have an eclectic taste in films but there some genres that I prefer the most. In particular, I do enjoy science fiction, comedy, indie films, animation and fantasy.

Rather than giving a review for each film or a summary of the plot, I’m listing them here to share with you how a little thought for each of them.

Once Upon a Forest.

This takes me back to when I was a child and is the first animation film I remember watching as a little girl. I love traditional animation and the nostalgia that comes with. It’s a sweet sad story that made me emotional every time I watched it. It tackles an environmental theme and the effect that Man can have on Nature. It’s about friendship, adventure, fear, courage and kindness. I like its dreamy feeling and the message of the story.

Mr Nobody.

“As long as you don’t choose everything remains possible”. That’s a quote from this romantic sci-fi film that is still stuck in mind. I often struggle with making choices and overthinking so this film resonated with me quite a bit. Also, I really liked the acting, the photography and the surreal feeling that is present in the film.

Under the Skin

I took me a few days to really appreciate this film. I am not sure there was a real intention to communicate something specific but it definitely made me feel something. In a way, I think it represents a sort of documentary of humanity from an alien perspective. What is really ‘normal’ ? We perceive things in ‘normal’ way only because we are accustomed to it or we’re told to believe that this is how it should be.

Inception

I’m really fascinating by the world of dreams and well… Leonardo DiCaprio! (my first love as a teenager) eh eh.. Anyway, I think it’s a really interesting film about loss, love and the world of our subconscious mind. Still wondering about the end. In general, I am not a super fan of endings that are not very clear but in this case I think I certainly make an exception.T

In Bruges

The funny thing is that after watching it, my boyfriend and I decided to fly to Belgium and visit Bruges for a few days…ha ha.. Really lovely city with a of romantic feeling to it I’d say. This film made me feel different emotions: bit awkward and amused at the same time. Film with an interesting plot.

Shaun of the Dead

Funny parody of a zombie movie. Also if you want to go a bit deeper there’s nice message beyond the messy zombies… I think it’s like a metaphor about feeling stuck and needed a push to change things.

The Lord of the rings

I can’t say I now remember the story very well as I watched it a while ago but I can say it was just very impressive. The set, the actors, the CGI…Basically everything.

Blue is the warmest Colour

I really liked the acting in this film. It feels authentic and moving. Love is a very complicated topic and the way in was depicted in this film was very captivating. I wish there was a sequel.

Favourite TV Series!

Master of None

An entertaining tv series with which I could relate to. Every character feels original and interesting.

The Durells

I liked how women are portraited and the light humour. I do appreciate how spontaneous the acting feels. Some shots only just focus on a close-up or a little smile. They speak more than words to me. It’s set in the lovely Corfu too.

Sherlock Holmes

Really great acting. I don’t think I’ve read any books on Sherlock yet but I enjoyed the tv series nonetheless.

Call my Agent (Dix pour Cent)

Fun and light tv series. I really hope there’s going to be a new season soon. In this tv series as well I liked how women are depicted and the original storyline.

Sense 8

Amazing locations and plot. I was a bit confused after watching the very first episode but I got more into it as the story starts to develop.

The Office (British one)

Some people say it was too cringey in some instances but I didn’t think so. I actually quite liked the moments of awkwardness. I did like ‘Extras’ as well by the same director.

Black Mirror

Every episode is always challenging but thought-provoking at the same time. It made reflect on the power of technology and how it can really affect our lives.

I mainly do theatre but I do enjoy working as an extra from time to time. As a little source of income but also for the reasons I wrote below.

At some point, I’d like to apply for speaking roles but for now I am quite happy playing a passerby in the long distance or a nurse in the corridor. Why? At the moment, I am more interested in theatre. Also, I don’t have much training in acting for camera but I know I want to develop it more in the future. So we’ll see!

What I like about it.

It’s always different.

It’s rare that I have to do the same scene for more than one day. The scene, the location, the crew, my role usually change every time. Even if I get to play the same role for it’s always in a different environment and with different people. Also, It’s interesting to see how different crews work and all the details that are taken care of in each scene.

2. Discovering new places even for a short period of time.

In several occasions I had to travel to quite remote places. I couldn’t spend much time visiting them but it was nice to see small villages that I wouldn’t have normally discovered. Also, I had the chance to see other parts of the city I live in.

3. Learning about acting for camera.

Before working as an extra I didn’t really know what it was like to act in front of a camera. In theatre you work with a live audience and you experience things in a very different way. I didn’t realise that in films or ads every little detail counts. Sometimes a scene needs reshooting just because the light wasn’t quite right. In theatre you would just carry on and improvise if the wrong light was on. This is just a small example but there’s definitely a lot to be said about these two different artistic media.

4. Being different characters.

Even though my role as a background artist can’t really be considered ‘acting’ or extremely creative; having to wear different costumes and doing specific actions make me feel part of the unreal world that the film crew has created. For this reason I really like being part of period dramas as I get to wear old stylish costumes.

5. Quite an easy job.

For the roles I’ve applied so far it was quite easy to follow directions and remember queues. I’m guessing it would be more challenging for jobs that require special skills etc… But in my case I am happy with it.

6. Meeting interesting people.

Most of the people that do extra work have a daytime job or a schedule flexible enough to fit background work in it. I usually like to chat with them and discover a bit about their world. I would say that you can meet interesting people anywhere but waiting for long hours together make it easier to make connections. So far I met a lovely lady who made arts and crafts for a living who was actually knitting before going on set, a guy who was studying media and was about to launch his radio show, a young woman who wanted to get into acting and had her own youtube channel, a retired nice old lady who was working as an extra as a hobby and the list goes on 🙂

7. Last but not least: I just like being on set!

As already said, I like feeling part of something creative and do something a bit out of the ordinary. I like waking up in the morning and thinking that I’m going on set. I don’t know how to explain it but I guess I simply like the thrill of it.

Well, here we go… What I don’t like about working as an extra.

It can be tedious sometimes.

I know this might sound like a contradiction but there were times where I had to sit for hours and was not even asked to go on set. The good side is that I get paid anyway as long as I am there on time for my call time. So I would say that it’s not too bad after all. Waiting times before going on set can be long too.

2. Early and late call times.

I have to say that I don’t have a car so it is sometimes a bit challenging for me. Some time ago for example, I slept about 3 hours because I needed to catch a very early train. Other times I simply couldn’t apply for the job because it was a night shoot.

3. Filming in adverse weather conditions.

Sometimes the filming happens in adverse weather conditions. Rain, cold, snow, wind… A few weeks ago I was wearing many layers but it didn’t quite help because of how cold it was where we were filming. So I have to admit this isn’t very fun.

4. Not a reliable source of income.

If I am lucky I can get a job or two but not really more than that. Also, I am not always suitable for certain castings. I am only with one agency which requires exclusive representation so I can’t join other agencies at the moment so it might be different for people who are with more than one.

That’s all I had to say for now! I will update it in case something else comes to mind.

There are moments when I am not even sad nor happy but I just feel apathy. It seems like I am passively getting by and not really thinking creatively any more. This happens when I lose sight of the big picture. When I forget what it feels like to be on stage, make someone laugh, tell a story you care about or create that play that otherwise would not exist.

In these moments I feel like I am not good enough for any audition out there. It might be true that in some occasions that audition was not right for me but thinking that I should give up before even trying is counter-productive. So I simply try to ignore that feeling as much as I can by simply reminding myself of why I wanted to be a performer in the first place.

In practical terms, I try to send that email that I saved in my drafts days before, I try to join the gym again or sign up for that masterclass I had seen the other day. Sometimes I succeed, others I don’t but, as long as I keep trying, I am ‘ok’ with myself and can move on. Yes, I’d like to be more focused without going through these moments but I am working on it!

…Moments when I am not even sad nor happy but I just feel apathy.

Some other times I just wish I was a totally difference person. I tell myself how easier it would be if I could be a logical person with great math skills and get “a normal secure perfect job”. The truth is I am the first to believe that this is b…sh… ‘smashed potatoes’ and it is only a down moment of my week that will pass. Why should I waste my life trying to be someone I am not? It doesn’t make any sense and for sure I wouldn’t be satisfied with it.

In conclusion, I will keep trying. Trying to be a better person and hopefully a better actress. I know these blue moments will keep coming but as long as I keep fighting them I will be on the right track.

The moments of clarity

In the moments of clarity, I am able to listen to the good voice. The voice that tells me to keep going. Keep training, keep getting stronger, keep learning and enjoying life! If I let the bad voice take over, then I would be lost. I would bury my dreams and find an ordinary job.

I learned over the years that the dreaming voice is always there. It seems silent sometimes but if you really listen, you will hear it.

What’s the point of giving up? What’s the point of faking happiness in an ordinary life? I am unique. You are unique. There’s no one in the world like me or you. Why do we need to be like anyone else when we can be ourselves?

It took me a long time to come to terms with the phantom of shame but finally, after years of practising, I think I am getting good at it.

Before telling you how, I would like to explain what it
means for me.

A few years ago I went to a counselling session and explained how I felt about my parents. One of the thoughts that kept popping up was that I wasn’t worth it of their love. I realised I wasn’t living my life because I was too ashamed of being myself. They had always made me feel like I wasn’t enough and like I wasn’t doing what was right according to them.

I realised I wasn’t living my life because I was too ashamed of being myself.

I was worried that if they actually found out they would have stopped loving me. I kept putting my projects on hold for fear of being judged. I figured that this feeling was not going to help. It wasn’t going to make me happy or allowing me to become who I wanted to be. I then started to keep a certain distance from that overwhelming fear of letting them down.

The truth is that I was letting down myself every time I didn’t attend an acting course or went for an audition.

I understand that some families are very supportive and encourage their children to follow their passions but if that’s not the case, what should one person do? Well, I will tell you what at least seems to work for me.

It wasn’t that simple for me but one step at a time it got
better.

Going out and meeting people who share my passion

My parents definitely were not supportive of it but this
didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to find someone who was.

At every workshop I had the chance to meet like-minded people who told me about their creative ideas. I would tell them mine and surprise, surprise! no one laughed or made me feel miserable like my parents would have probably. Most of them encouraged me to keep going and gave me advice on courses and plays I definitely needed to go and see!

The only one who was always a bit pessimistic and a bit ashamed in the conversation was always me though. I was still scared of saying what I really thought but little by little the monster of shame was getting weaker. I am not saying that it was improving just because of their support but having that push helped me. Positive energy creates more positive energy if you are ready to receive it. Optimism can be contagious if you are willing to accept it.

Celebrating every little achievement!

Even going to a workshop was sometimes a hard task. I could hear my parents saying “you are wasting your money and your time”. It wasn’t a real voice actually but more a present thought that was always in the back of my mind. I definitely missed several opportunities but every time I would go to a workshop I would say to myself: “I did it for me and it’s a good thing”. Again, the little phantom started to become more silent each time.

Praising myself for not staying in bed or wasting time on social
media but rather going to a workshop would be a little victory.

Writing this blog is helping me

I had thought about writing a blog for a long time but I never actually did it for years. I kept self-sabotaging and thinking that it was a stupid idea. I have always liked writing but stopped for a long time after uni. Then one day I suddenly decided that it was time to share my story. I needed to look at it from a different perspective. Do some people relate to it? Does it help somehow? Have I been objective enough or is there another side to the story?

The only thing that I can say is that writing about my experience made me evaluate my mistakes and this senseless feeling of shame I was carrying. I understand that the pressure from my parents was maybe not intentional and I am not resentful about it anymore. All I know is that I am better at coping with it.

Going to a workshop can feel exciting as well as a bit daunting, especially if you don’t know the person leading it or it is something far from your comfort zone. The description about the workshop might not be clear enough and you could be wondering if it will be worth it or if it is relevant to what you’re looking for.

In my opinion, if the session has something to do with acting, props making and particularly clowning I am up for it.

The good thing is that you always learn something new and even if you don’t enjoy it, then you have learned that maybe it is not for you or you were not ready for that challenge at that particular time. I try to go to a workshop with an open mind and try my best to stay focus and enjoy it. Most of the workshops I go to are in the evening and I don’t always feel very energetic to really take part in them but I guess that I am often able to discover something different and add it to my baggage of experiences.

That being said, I must say that I had to drop out of a
series of workshops because I was really finding them boring and I felt like I
was not improving at all. There are moments where I regret that decision
because I don’t like to leave tasks unfinished but I am learning that sometimes
it is ok to do so. Sometimes I also found better opportunities after dropping
out of something that was not motivating me, other times not though.

I believe that some decisions felt right for the time being and overthinking them makes me feel like they might have been wrong even if that’s not the case. ‘What if’ has always been a constant of my experiences and, in addition to making me feel anxious, is not very helpful. On one hand, I think that after some moments of unhelpful frustration and anxiety I tell myself that it’s time to move on and think about the present rather than the past. On the other hand, the past teaches that it’s better to try something even though you’re not convinced about it because I don’t want to add a new “what if” to the list.

In conclusion, I believe that sometimes the fear of “what if I don’t try this workshop and miss an opportunity” motivates me to go for more workshops than l normally would but, at the same time, I allow myself to drop out of them if I feel it has become a waste of time. I know it might sound a bit contradictory but I hope it kind of makes sense.

Where do I find my
workshops?

I found most of the workshops on FB or through friends. I
basically joined as many groups and fb pages as possible and it works quite
well: many companies or private practitioners post their sessions on social
media and sometimes you hear about very interesting opportunities. The down
side is that my notification box is always full and not always with relevant
information. I have to admit I waste a lot of time scrolling my homepage. In
any case I don’t think I will quit FB soon but I might consider it in the
future should the way people advertise training sessions change.

The worst workshop experience.

Some time ago I went to a workshop led by a famous clown teacher. I was really looking forward to it because the feedback from other students was very encouraging. As soon as he arrived he started to mention how long he studied the subject of clowning for and how passionate he was about it. In any case, I felt like he was having a “I know all attitude” but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions yet.

I have to admit I do like people who are confident but not
arrogance or presumption. I believe that one will never be able to know
‘everything’ about any subject no matter for how long he or she studied it. I
do appreciate people who are confident but can stay humble. It was definitely not the case with him.
Later on, when he was asked a question that challenged his point of view he was
quick to make that person feel invisible. I don’t even think he actually
answered that question but went on with several quotes to make sure no one
noticed what she said. I felt he was feeling threatened by her opinion.

All of this annoyed me but that wasn’t the worst part. We
started with an exercise and as soon as I started he asked me to step out of my
rank. He asked my name and I felt he was
a bit frustrated because, of course, I have a foreign name and difficult to
pronounce for English speakers. He then played a game with me that was more a
mockery than anything else. Don’t get me wrong, clowning is playing but
arrogance is not. I tried to do the exercise and really tried my best but
apparently I always did it wrong. He assumed that I wasn’t able to understand
what he was saying because of a “language barrier”. Therefore I was getting it
wrong all the time. I don’t think that was the case. I can’t say my English is
perfect but it was good enough to understand what he was saying. I simply was
not able to do what he wanted me to do. This made feel quite uncomfortable and
at that point I was on the verge of crying. I was not able to speak up and I
was embarrassed. I am indeed a shy person but I can feel confident too if I
don’t feel judged.

The reason why I am writing this, it’s not because I want to complain about that person but it is because I didn’t like my behaviour. It’s not in my nature to be impolite but I think I should have said something. I do understand this might not seem like a big deal for other people but I know exactly why it is for me.

I felt a defenceless child again. It had definitely something to do with my childhood. I used to be shouted every time I did something wrong or worse I was told that I simply couldn’t do it. I was not good enough to do the dishes properly or cook a good meal. This stayed with me for many years and when I feel the most vulnerable it reveals itself under unexpected circumstances.

I understand that the field of acting is tough and people
think than being hard to you, we’ll help you. It’s definitely not the case for
me. Every time I get in touch with this kind of personality, I freeze. I am
assuming I start to feel danger and I am not able to say or do anything
creative. It is a big dilemma for me because I know most of the time these
people don’t do it to attack me as a person but they simply want to push my
limits.

The thing is that this method doesn’t seem to work well for
me. It is true that I have some unsolved issues from my past but I am not sure
this can explain everything. I believe that not all the teachers I met where
good for me. Not because they didn’t have enough knowledge but because our
personalities were not compatible.

Finally, some people are just arrogant and I simply cannot
stand them. I am wondering if other people had similar experiences and how they
managed to overcome them. Did you change your behaviour or did you simply avoid
those kind of people? Does a ‘tough’ approach work well for you?

I must say that some people approached me after the workshop
to check if I was ok and I was very grateful for it. It made me feel much
better. They also believed I had not been treated in the right way.

My question is still open though. Even if I can assume that he was not right in doing so, I don’t know what I should have done or said. I just know that my weakness prevents me from getting the best out of some workshops. Who knows, maybe in the future I will improve in this and it won’t be as bad as this time. Let’s see what happens next time. It definitely taught me that I need to work on my confidence and mental strength. Finally, talking to other people about this episode really helped me and at this point, I look forward to going to new workshops.

The best workshop I
attended so far

It was again a clowning workshop I went to a few weeks before the last one I have just described. In this case, I didn’t really have any expectations. The first game consisted of a series of name games. I am not a huge fan of these kinds of games as I always struggle to remember or even understand other people’s names in English. This generates quite a lot of frustration in me and apparently this frustration makes me funny. So this time I just decided that I was going to allow myself to make mistakes and really live in the moment.

The first game was actually quite easy because we simply
needed to say the name of the person from our left instead of our name. Also, I
knew the people that came to the workshop so I have to say I was not feeling
frustrated yet… After a few rounds, the rules changed and I totally lost it
very quickly. I could feel my frustration coming and said to myself that “it
was ok”. It was fine to fail and be ridiculous. Also, it was a lot of fun for
myself included! But why?

The workshop leader made me feel ok with my awkwardness and I think that being with people I knew was a bonus. I am still trying to figure out the rules of that game, it was something to do with saying the name of the person 3 places away from your left and then right. Then at some point the sequence would change but I just couldn’t keep up with it he he.. I realised it was too complicated for me to fully understand and in any case I was funnier every time I didn’t get it right. Getting right or wrong is again very subjective. Also, what does actually mean ‘right’ or or ‘wrong’ in clowning?

Later on we started to do some solo work. I was quite afraid of trying but I was quickly reassured by the thought that “it was ok to fail”. We did the exercise where you need to come out of a curtain and can only move forward if people laugh at you. Not knowing what to do, I just started to do all the things that I can’t do: singing out loud and dancing for example. People started to laugh almost immediately and although I was feeling ridiculous it was extremely fun to do as well.

When I didn’t know what to do or saw that what I was doing didn’t work, I would comment on it saying things like ‘ok’, ‘all right’… with an extreme long pause. Just simple things that would make them giggle and make me move forward. Simple is better, some people say. The workshop was really good because I also learned a lot from other people and it really pushed my limits. I also worked on accepting my fears and using them for my advantage. It definitely had a therapeutic effect on me.

That time when I was a child

I remember that when I was a child me being ridiculous was not seen in a good way. I was not allowed to laugh out loud because that was considered ‘stupid’. I couldn’t use certain childish words or my own dialect (in Italy speaking a dialect is not always considered ‘socially acceptable’ and only to be used in ‘small amounts’ or with friends etc… It’s quite a complex matter but I hope you get the idea). In other words, I basically needed to always refrain myself from being a child. I think that this might have been part of growing up but I don’t think that I should have had so many rules about what I could laugh at and couldn’t.

I guess that this affected my personality a lot. The good news is that I am now able to rationalise it.

I believe that I am the result not only of my past but of my present and of the choices I make for the future.

It took me years to allow myself to be childish again and take things with more sense of humour. As a child, I would express my repression by playing by myself in my room or outside in the farm I used to live in. I would make up endless stories and everything seemed to be possible in my world. I was free and able to explore my creativity. The pressure to be ‘the neutral child that needs to behave like an adult’ was always there but I think I had managed to build a safe place to be me.

I think that making theatre is the place where I am exploring who I want to be and what kind of person I want to become.

It has a positive impact on my daily life and I think I call it my ‘safe escape as an adult’. The difference between now and my childhood is that the only pressure I have is from inside me. It is actually more a motivation to do better and be a better version of myself as an artist and as a person too.

Finally, the thing that really unlocked my clown was not accessing a more rational part of myself that could actually make me figure out the rules to play the game correctly but would not make me a clown. Well, there’s a lot to say about clowning and I think I will write more about it as my idea of it develops in the future.

Have you ever felt lost in acting? Well, I have! I felt lost many times and then found my way back without even knowing how; like in that French town at night with my phone running out of battery….But anyway that’s another story…eh eh..

Lost in acting means different things for me.

First, it represents that feeling when I just follow my gut; I don’t know exactly what to do but I know that it will work out somehow. It’s feeling creative and lost at the same time because I don’t have a rational explanation about what I’m doing when I’m in the process of it. Second, it means training as a performer in a second language (I’m Italian and English is my II language). I sometimes don’t understand specific jokes or an exercise but I just try to do my best. I have to admit I do get frustrated sometimes eh eh..But with clowning (which is what interests me the most) this works quite well actually. Last but not least, for me being lost in acting equals being in love with it including its ups and downs.

In this article I will tell you about how I discovered acting and broke up with it for the first time.

Acting: my troubled love

I was 13 and liked watching theatre performances but I had never thought about acting before. Middle school was not easy for me. I didn’t really have any friends and was bullied for my appearance. I was an insecure overweight teenager. Every day it felt like an effort. Wake up, go to school, go home, study, sleep and repeat for three years. One day something changed. I decided to join a drama course in my school. The course was on a religious play and for some reason I decided to audition for the main part. As I said, I didn’t really think much of acting at that time but I felt it was something ‘I had to do’. I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could stand in front of an audience without feeling embarrassed. I still remember the moment I was reading the script in front of my class. In front of all those pretty confident girls and boys who thought so little of me. I was nervous, my chicks went red but somehow I managed to deliver it with confidence. It felt right. I just felt so right that it triggered an emotion that it’s still in me today. Maybe I had always known that I wanted to be an actress but I was never given or had created the opportunity before then. In primary school we did a few plays and I never got the main part because it would go to the pupils who had better grades than me or were simply more popular. So unfair, I know.

It could also be that I wasn’t ready then or not interested enough too.

So in middle school, I was finally really enjoying acting that my grades got worse and I didn’t really care about it very much. I was in my element and for the first time I knew what I was doing. It is true that I might be adding a bit of romance to it but this is how I want to remember it. It is like when you idealise your first love. Then you look closer and it’s not so perfect any more.

The day of the performance finally came and again I was nervous, very nervous but strong at the same time. It is a difficult feeling to explain because a part of me wanted to be anywhere but on stage but the other part was feeling the adrenaline and enjoying it. I later figured that there is a fine line between panic and excitement. Being on stage meant for me proving that I could be that confident person that I had always tried to be.

After the performance a member of the audience hugged me; praised me and told me that I made her feel emotional. For a moment I forgot about my insecurities and realised that acting can be a very powerful tool. That I could be powerful.

The first break up with acting

Summer came and so the first break up with acting. This sounds very contradictory but isn’t love a very complex matter?

High school was waiting for me and I knew my parents would have never allowed me to pursue a career in acting. So little spoiler here, I didn’t do acting at all until Uni.

By the end of my last year in middle school, I never actually thought about asking them because I knew the answer already. I didn’t even join other drama courses in high school. It seems strange but that thrive left me. Fear defeated me. I felt the pressure from my family to choose something ‘socially acceptable’ and focus on studying hard that I quit acting altogether. The empowering feeling that I had experienced never left me though. I abandoned it under useless boxes of self-sabotaging thoughts but yet, it remained intact during all the years to come.

I believe that I had found a true love but I wasn’t able to commit to it. I wasn’t ready to feel vulnerable. Acting was asking for a serious relationship and I was just a teenager.

Also, I became too worried about doing well in high school. I convinced myself that I wanted to become a psychologist to help people who were experiencing the same problems as I was. Five years later I realised that, although I will always be interested in psychological and social issues, that isn’t the career for me.

I think that some people know what they want to become from an early age and just do it. I needed a stronger push. The right circumstances were not there but in particular I was not there. I was still weak and numb to choose myself. I had to rule out all the other lives that I could have lived and go back to acting as an adult. This is another story that I might share in the future though.

What I learned from it

If I could go back, I would say to myself: ‘Follow your gut. Be yourself. Don’t worry too much about grades and try new drama courses. I know how you feel but don’t be afraid. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. You can do it.’