Narrator: “The nine people here today have never met before, but all share something in common. Together they will have to work as a team to raise money for charity, but only one of them will be able to take away that money, as round by round, we lose the player voted: THE WEAKEST LINK.”

[Run titles]

Anne Robinson: “Welcome to a special Final Fantasy edition of the Weakest Link. The nine people here are all famous for their world-saving adventures, but today, they will face a challenge of a different type, trying to raise as much money for charity as possible.”

Zidane (suddenly incredulous): “Charity!?”

Anne Robinson (ignoring Zidane): “However, only one of them can take the money away. So, let’s meet the team!”

Zidane (still incredulous): “I’m Zidane Tribal, I’m 16 and I’m from Alexandria, and NO ONE told me about the charity deal.”

Rinoa (a smug pout on her face): “I’m Rinoa Heartilly, I’m 17 and I’m from Deling City. And I am going to win the weakest link.”

Cloud (a look of total apathy on his face): “I’m Cloud Strife, I’m 21 and from Nibelheim, and I just want to get this over and done with.”

Quistis (a neutral-ish smirk on her face): “I’m Quistis Trepe, I’m 18 and from Balamb Garden. And Rinoa? You’re not going to win the weakest link.”

Steiner: “I’m Adelbert Steiner, I’m 32 and from Alexandria, and in the name of her majesty, I will win!”

Rikku (staring at Irvine, unimpressed): “I’m Rikku, I’m also 17 and I’m an Al Bhed, and I need to win tonight, so I can rebuild my home.”

Barret: “I’m Barret Wallace, I’m 35 years old and I’m from Corel, and I’d rather be fightin’ then ans’ring some damn fool questions!”

Lulu (a cold look on her face): “I’m Lulu, I’m 22 years old and I’m from Besaid, and tonight, I shall be victorious.”

Anne Robinson: “Now the rules… (yadda yadda yadda, you’ve all seen the show, right?) …The first round lasts for three minutes, and we start with the player whose name is first alphabetically. That’s you, Barret. Let’s play the weakest link!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Steiner, what was the name of President Shinra’s son?”

Steiner (utterly dumbfounded): “How would I know?”

Anne Robinson; “Not got the hang of this, have you, Steiner? The answer was Rufus. Irvine, what colour is the skin of a Ronso?”

Irvine (still grinning at Rikku): “Blue, Anne”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, how many questions are there in a SeeD written exam?”

Rikku (thinking): “Erm…”

Irvine (whispering): “Ten!”

Rikku (REALLY glaring at Irvine now): “Ten.”

Anne Robinson (also glaring at Irvine): “Correct. Barret,”

Barret: “Bank!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, your bank was in time, but you still only managed a pathetic 1000 gil in that round from a possible 5000. Now you must ask yourself: whose mind is rustier than their armour?”

Steiner: “Hey!”

Anne Robinson: “Whose hat is just too stupid to remain? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”

[sound and light effects]

Narrator: “Statistically, Barret is the first strongest link, having banked the most money for the team. Steiner is the weakest link, as he is the only person to have got both his questions wrong. But who will lose out in the first vote of the game?”

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up! Let’s see who you voted as the weakest link!”

[sound and lighting effects]

Zidane grinning, kind of evilly): “Rusty Mr. Steiner.”

Rinoa (still pouting): “Quistis.”

Cloud: “Steiner.”

Quistis: “Rinoa.”

Steiner (deeply frowning): “Monkey boy Zidane.”

Irvine: “Steiner.”

Rikku (glaring at Irvine): “Irvine.”

Barret: “Steiner.”

Lulu: “Steiner.”

[sound and lighting effects.]

Steiner: “What! This isn’t fair!”

Anne Robinson: “I think it’s perfectly fair, Steiner. Tell me again how many questions you answered correctly in that round.”

Steiner: “Maybe not as many as most other people,”

Anne Robinson: “You were the only person to answer all of his or her questions wrong, Steiner. In fact, you didn’t even try to answer them correctly.”

Steiner (slightly more subdued): “Well, maybe not, but-“

Anne Robinson: “No buts, Steiner.” (turns to face Irvine) “Irvine.”

Irvine (still grinning): “Annie.”

Anne Robinson: “Don’t call me Annie, Irvine.”

Irvine (not grinning any more): “Sorry, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Did you know before coming on that you’re not supposed to help your fellow contestants with their questions?”

Irvine (turning on the charm): “Oh, come on, I couldn’t ignore a damsel in distress!”

Rinoa: “I felt she was out of order, saying what she did at the start.”

Anne Robinson: “So you’re completely ignoring the fact that she answered both her questions correctly AND banked money for the team?”

Rinoa: “In my opinion, she banked too early.”

Anne Robinson (sarcastic): “Oh come on! As if Steiner would’ve known how to bank!”

Steiner (irritated): “Hey, just a sec-“

Anne Robinson (turning to face Steiner, and cutting him off): “Steiner! Your sword may be large, but your brain is not! You are the weakest link- goodbye!”

[…and Steiner takes the walk of shame]

[Backstage]

Steiner (livid): “How dare she speak to me in that voice! I am leader of the Pluto Knights! Just because I don’t know two irrelevant questions she treats me like some form of imbecile!” (Reality check, Steiner :-P –Neb) “I want to see Zidane go next, that monkey boy could use taking down a peg or two.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round two, and we’re down to eight players, with ten seconds coming off the clock. We’ll start with the strongest link from the previous round.” (mock surprise) “That’s Barret!”

Anne Robinson: “What is the name of the magic spell that is used to poison someone? Bio or buy-out?”

Barret: “Bio!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Zidane-“

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time is up, I cannot complete the question, and in that round you actually got worse! A pathetic 850 gil. Whose brain is more monkey than human? Whose hairstyle has corrupted their mind? It’s time to vote off the Weakest Link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “Statistically, Rikku is this round’s strongest link, as she banked the most money for the team. Rinoa is the weakest player, as she lost the team the most money. But who will the team want to get rid of?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Voting is over, it’s time to see who you voted the Weakest Link!”

[light and sound effects]

Zidane: “Cloud.”

Rinoa (still sticking her tongue out at Quistis): “Quistis.”

Cloud: “Zidane.”

Quistis: “Rinoa.”

Irvine: “Zidane.”

Rikku: “Zidane.”

Barret: “Zidane.”

Lulu: “Rinoa.”

[sound and lighing effects]

Zidane (looking really disappointed); “Aw, man…”

Anne Robinson: “Rikku.”

Rikku (looking a bit unsure of herself): “Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Aren’t you feeling a little cold, dear, seeing as you’re only wearing a bra and a miniskirt?”

Rikku (embarrassed): “At least I’ve got the body for it, Anne.”

Audience (shocked): “Oooooohhh!!!”

Anne Robinson (her face not cracking one bit, thanks to the miracle of botox): “Why Zidane?”

Rikku: “He just looked like he was struggling all game.”

Anne Robinson: “Whereas you just looked like you were shivering.”

[Rikku looks ever so slightly offended.]

Rikku (whispering): “Big meanie…”

Anne Robinson: “Rinoa, who also looks a little chilly.”

Rinoa (smirking): “Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Are you aware you were the worst player in that round?”

Rinoa (now doing a frowny pout): “I was not!”

Anne Robinson: “Yes you were! And yet you persist in voting for someone who hasn’t actually answered a question wrong yet!”

Rinoa (HUGE pout): “I still say she’s out of order!”

Anne Robinson: “Well, statistically you may have been the worst player, but it’s the votes that count. Zidane- your tale has come to an end! You are the Weakest Link! Goodbye!”

[…and Zidane takes the walk of shame.]

[Backstage]

Zidane: “I can’t believe that! I wasn’t even the worst player that round! I want to see Irvine go off next, the way he was sleazing over Rikku was just disgusting. Anyone with half a brain can see that she’s hot for me, not him.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round 3, we’re now down to seven players, and another ten seconds is coming off the clock. We’ll start with the strongest player from the last round- That’s the woman who can’t feel the cold!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, if you have a W-summon, item or magic materia, how many times does it let you use said spells?”

Quistis: “Twice.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, which spell on the sphere grid allows you to use magic twice?”

Irvine (tipping his hat at Rikku): “Doublecast, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku-“

Rikku (STILL squirming, trying to ignore Irvine): “Bank!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, your bank was just in time, and you improved in that round, team! However, your total of 1250 gil is still far, far below the standard you should be setting. Who’s all brawn and no brain? Who’s suffering not so much from silence as from stupidity? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “Statistically, Irvine is the strongest link, as he banked the most money for the team. For the second round in a row, Rinoa is the weakest link. But who will lose out in the vote?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up! It’s time to see who you voted as the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Rinoa: “Quistis.”

Cloud: “Rinoa.”

Quistis: “Rinoa.”

Irvine: “Barret.”

Rikku: “Rinoa.”

Barret: “Rinoa.”

Lulu: “Rinoa.”

[light and sound effects]

Rinoa (pouting like she’s never pouted before): “Hmph! This is not FAIR!”

Anne Robinson: “Even though you were technically the worst player in both that round AND the one before?”

Rinoa (stubborn defiance): “No I wasn’t. Quistis was.”

Anne Robinson: “Quistis has not got a question wrong all game, whereas you have been the worst player two rounds in a row! Maybe if you spent more of your energies actually trying to answer the questions, you wouldn’t have been voted off!”

Anne Robinson: “Tell me, how many poor, innocent creatures had to die so that you could make your gown?”

Lulu: “Enough.”

Anne Robinson: “And it doesn’t itch at all, does it?”

Lulu: “No.”

Anne Robinson: “Not the most talkative of people, are you, Lulu? Tell me, not that I need to ask, why Rinoa?”

Lulu: “She’s been poor all game, she had to go.”

Anne Robinson: “She did indeed! Rinoa! The people have spoken! With five votes, you are the weakest link! Goodbye!”

[…and Rinoa does the walk of shame.]

[backstage]

Rinoa: “This is just not FAIR! I was just as good as anyone out there today, if not better!” [huge-o pout] “I hope Irvine wins, as he was the only one who didn’t vote for me last round, so he’s obviously the most intelligent.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round 4, and out of a possible 15 000 gil, you’ve banked a measly, pathetic 3100. There are six of you left, and another ten seconds is coming off the clock. We’ll start with the strongest link from the last round- that’s hatman!”

[Irvine looks a little humiliated as people start laughing]

Anne Robinson: “Let’s play the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Start the clock.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Irvine, how many classes of chocobo races are there at the Gold Saucer?”

Irvine (apparently unable to take a hint, still flirting with Rikku): “Four, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, how many spaces make up a tetra master board?”

Rikku (turning her head to avoid Irvine’s stare): “Sixteen.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Barret,”

Barret: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “On which continent would you find the Kramers’ old orphanage?”

Barret (no chance in hell): “Erm, Esthar?”

Anne Robinson: “No dear, Centra. Lulu, what is the name of the giant snake that inhabits the marshes to the east of the mythril mines?”

Lulu: “The Midgar Zolom.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Cloud, which organisation was formerly known as the crimson blades?”

Cloud (doesn’t know. Doesn’t care, either): “Nope, pass.”

Anne Robinson: “The Crusaders, dear. Quistis, how many floors are there in the Wutai pagoda?”

Quistis: “Five.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, what monster is also known as the “calamity from the skies”?”

Irvine: “Jenova.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku,”

Rikku: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “What is the name of the bonfire in the middle of Cosmo Canyon?”

Rikku (struggling): “The Cosmo flame?”

Anne Robinson: “No dear, it’s the Cosmo Candle. Barret, how many towers make up the Galbaldian desert prison?”

Barret (not a clue): “Umm, three?”

Anne Robinson (mock surprise): “Correct!” [Barret looks happily astonished] (“normal”)“Lulu, what G is both a type of greens and a pickle? Gyshal or Goomba?”

Lulu: “Gyshal.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Cloud, Trabia is known for which weather condition, snow or sun?”

Cloud: “Snow.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis,”

Quistis: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “The Goers are the local blitzball team for which city?”

Quistis: “Luca.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, HP plus, MP plus and counter attack are all types of which colour of materia?”

Irvine: “Purple.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku,”

Rikku: “Bank!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, your bank was just in time. In that round, team, you managed a measly 1100 gil! Who’s got more brains in their cleavage than their head? Who’s finally beginning to feel the cold? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “For the first time in the game, Quistis is the strongest link, as she banked the most money. Cloud is technically the weakest link, but will the voting reflect the statistics?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up! It’s time to see who you voted as the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Cloud: “Barret.”

Quistis: “Barret.”

Irvine: “Barret.”

Rikku: “Barret.”

Barret (sighing): “Rikku…”

Lulu: “Barret.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Cloud.”

Cloud (stoical): “Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “How much time do you spend on your hair each morning?”

Cloud (annoyed at the question): “Why?”

Audience (shocked): “Ooooooohhh!!”

Anne Robinson: “I was just wondering, is it naturally that stupid or do you have to work at it?”

Cloud: “He’s been struggling for a while now, I thought it’d be best if he went.”

Barret (a little shocked and hurt): “Hey!”

Anne Robinson: “Did you think he was the worst player in that round?”

Cloud: “Yes.”

Anne Robinson: “Except he wasn’t, was he, Cloud?”

Cloud (defiantly): “Well who was then?”

Anne Robinson (raising screech even higher): “You were!”

[Cloud pulls a frown]

Anne Robinson: “However, it’s the votes that count. Barret! With five votes, you are the weakest link! Goodbye!”

[…and Barret takes the walk of shame]

[backstage]

Barret: “I can’t believe that little punk-ass Cloud! He’s the worst in that game and he votes ME off? What the *$@# ever happened to loyalty?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round 5, and out of a possible 20 000 gil, you’ve banked a puny 4200 gil. Another ten seconds come off the clock in this round, and we’ll start with the strongest link from the previous round. That was Quistis!”

Anne Robinson (mock surprise): “Correct!” (“normal”) “Quistis, what is the name of the mayor of Midgar?”

Quistis: “Domino.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, on which floor of the Shin-ra building is the president’s office?”

Irvine: “Floor 70, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku,”

Rikku: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “Of which race was NORG a member?”

Rikku (no clue whatsoever): “Umm… moogle?”

Anne Robinson: “Shumi, dear. Lulu, Lucrecia was the mother of which ex-SOLDIER?”

Lulu: “Sephiroth.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Cloud-“

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, and that was your worst effort yet. A piffling, pathetic 750 gil! Who has less brains than they do clothes? Whose libido is interfering with their game? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “For the second round in a row, Quistis is statistically the strongest link. Rikku is the weakest link, although she was the only one to bank money for the team. Will this be enough to save her?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Voting is over! It’s time to see who you voted as the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Cloud: “Rikku.”

Quistis: “Rikku.”

Irvine: “Cloud.”

Rikku: “Irvine.”

Lulu: “Cloud.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “We have a tie, ladies and gentlemen! Cone-haired Cloud and Rikku, who can’t feel the cold, both on two votes! Irvine, why Cloud?”

Irvine: “I just felt he’s been struggling for a while now, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that you want Rikku to stay so you can chat her up more, does it? Only she doesn’t seem to want you to stay very much, do you, Rikku?”

Rikku: “No, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Getting a little fed up of Irvine’s attention, are you?”

Rikku: “Yes, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Aren’t we all?”

[the audience laughs while Irvine looks humiliated.]

Anne Robinson: “Quistis, you’re a teacher, right?”

Quistis: “Yes, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “And do your students take you seriously when you go around with your navel on show to the world?”

Quistis (frowning slightly): “I have a special uniform I wear when I’m teaching.”

Anne Robinson: “Oh, so in your academy, the teachers wear school uniform as well as the pupils?”

Quistis (frowning still): “It’s not school uniform that we wear.”

Anne Robinson: “Why Rikku?”

Quistis: “She got two questions wrong, and she’s been struggling for some time now.”

Anne Robinson: “I see. When the vote is tied, the strongest link must cast the deciding vote. That was you, Quistis, so do you want to stick to your original vote of Rikku, or do you want to get rid of Cloud?”

Quistis (thinking it over): “On second thoughts, Anne, I think I’ll get rid of Cloud, at least Rikku’s actually trying.”

Anne Robinson: “Which you certainly can’t accuse Cloud of! Cloud, the team has spoken! You are the weakest link- Goodbye!”

[…and Cloud takes the walk of shame]

[backstage]

[Cloud simply shrugs.]

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round 6, and out of a possible 25 000 gil, you have banked a miserable, shameful forty-nine hundred and fifty. There are four of you left, and another ten seconds are coming off the clock. We’ll start with the strongest link from the last round- that was Quistis. Let’s play- the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Start the clock.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Quistis, what item do you need to be able to use celestial weapons?”

Quistis: “The celestial mirror.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, what do the 8 reactors in Midgar use for fuel?”

Irvine (STILL incapable of leaving Rikku alone): “Mako, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, the Great Salt lake acts as a hidden gateway into which nation?”

Rikku (now desperately trying to avoid Irvine’s gaze): “Erm, Esthar?”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Lulu, which yellow materia is used to control monsters?”

Lulu: “Manipulate.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, which of the following is not a summoned monster? An Eidolon or a Hyper?”

Quistis: “A hyper.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, what is the term for the dance summoners perform to escort the dead to the farplane?”

Irvine (still grinning at Rikku): “A sending.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku,”

Rikku (starting to squirm again): “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “What is the term for a potion that restores an entire party’s HP and either cures them of all abnormal statuses or fully restores MP?”

Rikku: “A megalixir.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Lulu, how many g-bike games are there in the wonder square arcade?”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Irvine, which is the final spell on the barrier materia that casts barrier and Mbarrier simultaneously?”

Irvine: “Wall!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, what is the name of the town in the middle of the rail link between Galbaldia and Esthar?”

Rikku: “Dollet?”

Anne Robinson: “No, Fisherman’s Horizon. Lulu, in which town was the Sister Ray originally located?”

Lulu: “Junon.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis,”

Quistis: “Bank!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up, and in that round there was a definite improvement! 1600 gil! It’s still not even a third of what you could have banked, but it’s still an improvement. Now you must ask yourself, who’s itching to leave? Which cowboy is ready to ride off into the sunset? It’s time to vote off the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “For the third round in succession, Quistis is the strongest link. Statistically, Lulu is the weakest link, but will the votes reflect the statistics?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up! It’s time to see who you voted as the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Quistis: “Rikku.”

Irvine: “Lulu.”

Rikku: “Irvine.”

Lulu: “Irvine.”

[light and sound effects. Irvine’s previously cheery expression has all of a sudden gone South, big-time.]

Anne Robinson: “Lulu, with the itchy dress,”

Lulu (cold): “Anne.”

Anne Robinson (mock confusion): “Why Irvine?”

Lulu (suddenly on the defensive): “I have my reasons.”

Anne Robinson: “Did you think he was the worst player in that round?”

Lulu: “Perhaps.”

Anne Robinson: “Except he wasn’t, was he, Lulu?”

[Lulu remains silent and stony-faced.]

Anne Robinson: “In fact, he hasn’t answered a question wrong all game. Are you sure you weren’t voting for him so he’d stop flirting with your friend?”

Rikku (still miffed about being called “woman who can’t…” etc.): “He’s such a chauvinist meanie! I can’t believe the way he’s constantly sleazing over me!”

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “Well, if you will wear next to nothing.”

[Rikku looks genuinely embarrassed]

Anne Robinson: “Irvine, remind us again what you do for a living.”

Irvine (not as cheery as he was previously): “I’m a sharpshooter, Anne.”

Anne Robinson: “Well, ordinarily I would say that your brain isn’t as sharp as it should be but technically that wouldn’t be true, nonetheless, Irvine, your so-called charm has let you down! You are the weakest link- goodbye!”

[…and Irvine takes the walk of shame]

[backstage]

Irvine (laid back, taking it in his stride): “I can’t believe Rikku voted me off! After I’ve been nothing but a perfect gentleman to her all game! Ah well, I’m sure it’s just the atmosphere in the studio. Once she gets backstage, just give it two minutes, and I guarantee it, she’ll be putty in my hands.” [Irvine flashes a big, cheesy grin at the camera]

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Round seven, team, and we’re down to just three players. Out of a possible 30 000 gil so far, you have a mere six thousand, five hundred and fifty. There are another ten seconds coming off the clock, and we’ll start with the strongest link from the last round- that was Quistis. Let’s play the weakest link!

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Start the Clock.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Quistis, with which element is Macalania Temple associated?”

Quistis: “Ice.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, what is the name of the magazine produced in Timber? The Timber-a-holics or Timber Maniacs?”

Rikku: “Timber Maniacs!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Lulu, if you have a mastered all materia, how many times can you cast the linked magic spell on all enemies simultaneously?”

Lulu : “Five.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, which status effect is traditionally cured by a “Soft”?”

Quistis: “Petrify.”

Anne Robinson: “I’ll accept, petrification. Rikku,”

Rikku: “Bank!”

Anne Robinson: “In which sector of the Midgar slums will you find the Honey Bee inn?”

Rikku: “Six!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Lulu, the Quen are particularly fond of eating which reptile? Alligators or frogs?”

Lulu: “Frogs.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, what is the name of the temple in Spira located near the calm lands?”

Quistis: “Remiem.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, which of the following is a traditional enemy skill? White Wind or Black storm?”

Rikku (nerves starting to show): “Umm, black storm?”

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): “No dear, white wind.”

[Rikku frowns- she knew the answer to that one]

Anne Robinson: “Lulu, in which hemisphere is the great glacier? North or South?”

Lulu: “North.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis, to the neatest hundred, how much more powerful is huge materia than regular materia?”

Quistis: “300.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Rikku, which magic spell increases the likelihood of a character attaining their limit break, Flare or Aura?”

Rikku: “Aura!”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Lulu, which potion will traditionally revive someone’s full MP, a mega-potion or an X-potion?”

Lulu: “An X-potion.”

Anne Robinson: “Correct. Quistis,”

Quistis: “Bank!”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time is up, I cannot complete the question, and it that round you banked 1500 gil. In the next round, you will have the chance to treble what you bank, but only two of you will go through. Who will be left out in the cold? Have the courage to vote off the weakest link!”

[light and sound effects]

Narrator: “For the fourth round in succession, Quistis is the strongest link. Rikku is technically the weakest link, although she did bank money for the team. Will this be enough to save her from the final vote?”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Time’s up! Let’s see who you voted as the weakest link!”

Anne Robinson: "Yes, the reason being ‘She’ll be far more of a threat in the final than Rikku so I’ll be a coward and vote her off now’."

[Lulu shoots a stare at Anne that’s so cold, you can almost see her breath through it]

Anne Robinson: "Woman who can’t feel the cold, why Quistis?"

Rikku: "Well, she’s voted for me for three rounds in a row now!"

Anne Robinson: "Did you think she was the worst player in the last round?"

Rikku (suddenly getting a little on the nervous side): "She might have been."

Anne Robinson (dripping with patronisation): "Wrong!"

[Rikku starts blushing]

Anne Robinson: "In that round, you were the worst player! However, it’s the votes that matter. Quistis, your game has gone belly-up! You are the weakest link- goodbye!"

[…and Quistis takes the walk of shame, making an effort to cover her navel as she leaves.]

[backstage]

Quistis (sighing): "I knew that would happen, I knew they’d vote tactically- still, at least I got further than Rinoa did. If you were to ask me who’s more intimidating, Anne or Ultimecia, I’d still have to go with Ultimecia. However, if Anne were to suddenly develop magical powers, then that really would be adding injury to insult."

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: "Round 8, and out of a possible 35 000 gil so far, you have 8050 in the bank. You’re down to ninety seconds in this round, but anything you bank will be trebled. We would start with the strongest link from the last round, but like cowards, you voted her off, so we’ll have to start with the second strongest, which was Lulu. So, if you’re ready, let’s play the weakest link!"

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: "Start the clock."

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: "Lulu, in the Nibelheim mansion, how many numbers need to be entered for the safe to open?"

Anne Robinson: "Where was the temple of the ancients located, in a forest or in the desert?"

Rikku (her nerves starting to SERIOUSLY fray): "Umm, the desert?"

Anne Robinson (condescendingly): "No dear, a forest."

Rikku (really annoyed at herself): "Darn it!"

Anne Robinson: "Lulu, which item, usually used at save points, fully restores a party’s health?"

Lulu: "A tent."

Anne Robinson: "Correct. Rikku,"

Rikku: "Bank!"

Anne Robinson: "Rikku, what does the term "GF" stand for?"

Rikku (enthusiastically. She knows this one): "Guardian Force!"

Anne Robinson: "Correct. Lulu, Godo is ruler of which city?"

Lulu: "Wutai."

Anne Robinson: "Correct. Rikku,"

Rikku: "Bank!"

Anne Robinson: "Who is the traditional partner of Biggs?"

Rikku (chuffed- she knows this too): "Wedge!"

Anne Robinson: "Correct. Lulu, who-"

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: "Time is up, I cannot complete the question, and amazingly, that was one of your best rounds yet, as you banked 1350 gil. We’ll treble that and add it to your winnings, meaning prize money today of 12 100 gil. However, only one of you can take it away. I’ll ask alternating questions, best out of five, and whoever gives me the most right answers will win. So, for twelve thousand and one hundred gil, let’s play the weakest link!"

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Lulu, as the strongest link from the last round, you get to choose who goes first.”

Lulu (coolly- she’s confident she’ll win): “I’ll go first, Anne.”

[light and sound effects]

Anne Robinson: “Which town did the warrior Seto defend against the Gi Tribe, getting turned to stone in the process?”

Lulu: “Cosmo Canyon.”

Anne Robinson: “That is the correct answer. Rikku, which monster and guardian force could be found in the central foyer of Galbaldia Garden?”

Rikku (she doesn’t know it, and you can easily tell by the look of anxiety on her face): “Erm, Leviathan?”

Anne Robinson: “No, the correct answer was Cerberus.”

Rikku (flustered): “Darn it!”

Anne Robinson: “Lulu, which Garden was destroyed by a barrage of Galbaldian missiles?”

Lulu: “Trabia.”

Anne Robinson: “That is the correct answer. Rikku, which word precedes ether to make a potion which fully restores magical ability?”

Rikku (cheerful, She knows this): “Turbo!”

Anne Robinson: “That is the correct answer. Lulu, what was the name of the play that was performed to celebrate Princess Garnet’s 16th birthday?”

Lulu (actually looking dumbfounded under all the layers of make up): “I don’t know.”

Anne Robinson: “The correct answer is ‘I want to be your Canary’.”

[Lulu frowns at Anne- she obviously thought that question was unfair.]

Anne Robinson: “Rikku, which summon materia was found in the wrecked reactor at Gongaga?”

Rikku (she dimly recalls this, struggling to remember): “Umm… Titan?”

Anne Robinson: “That is the correct answer.”

Rikku (super-chuffed): “Yee-hah!”

Anne Robinson: “After 3 questions each, the scores are tied. Lulu, what is the name of the great cliffs overlooking the city of Wutai?”

Lulu: “Da-Chao.”

Anne Robinson: “That is the correct answer. Rikku, with which element is Pandemona commonly associated?”

Rikku: “Wind!”

Anne Robinson: “That is the correct answer. Lulu, what is the name of Balamb garden’s chief medical officer?”

[Lulu looks absolutely furious- woe betide the person who set the questions lest she gets her hands on him]

Anne Robinson: “Rikku, if you answer this question correctly you have won. So, for twelve thousand, three hundred and fifty gil, what boys name is traditionally given to the summon which uses the element ‘Holy’?”

Rikku (almost bouncing up and down with excitement): “Alexander!!!”

Anne Robinson: “That is the correct answer.”

[light and sound effects]

Rikku (waving her arms in the air ‘cos she just don’t care): “Yippee! Woohoo! I did it!”

Anne Robinson: “That means, Rikku, as you seem to have already gathered, you are today’s strongest link, and you go away with twelve thousand, one hundred gil! What are you going to spend it on?”