How To Have An Ethical Threesome

Not all love triangles have to end in tears.

A threesome is an experience you get a lot as a sex worker. Couples bookings, or doubles with other sex workers. You get couples wanting to add some spice to their relationship, and they come to you to find a stress-free and no-strings-attached way to do that.

But, not everyone wants to hire someone. Maybe you already have a sex buddy you want to have a threesome with, or maybe you’ve found a third person unknown to you, and are ready to take the next step.

So, how exactly does one have an ethical threesome? Let me guide you.

Set your boundaries and communicate

Knowing your boundaries is an important part of threesomes. It's how you ensure no one gets hurt.

Do you have boundaries around sex acts, protection, who your third is, what acts you want or don’t want your third to do with your partner?

Make sure to communicate with your partner and your third to make sure you are all on the same level, and check in throughout the experience to make sure everyone is still having fun. Especially if you mix any BDSM practices into your threesome, asking, "is this still okay?" while you go along is very important.

Maybe you want to use protection for all acts, or there is a sexual act you don’t want an outsider to do with your partner. Maybe you want the third to be an outsider you don’t know, or you want to tick 'xyz' off your sexual bucket list, and so forth.

Especially if you are a couple approaching a third sexual partner, making sure they are the right person for you. That your personalities match is very important.

What's one divided by three? Image: Getty.

Expect some jealousy

Especially if you are new to the world of sharing your sexual partners, jealousy is normal and expected.

Speaking from personal experience, I’ve thought I was totally okay sharing my past partners, and then when the time came, I had a rush of jealousy I didn’t know what to do with.

On the other side of the slash, I’ve been the third partner to a couple who hadn’t thought the situation through, and ended up arguing with each other during our whole time together. Which was very tense and awkward for me. I do not recommend doing this to your third.

Instead, think about what exactly you are jealous about. Is it a specific act that is being undertaken, or is it more about the whole situation? Do you need to take a moment to yourself, or do you everyone to slow down to give you a moment to think?

Take a breather and try to understand the root cause of your jealousy. (Image: Getty)

Jealousy is normal but it's also fiery. It robs you of logical thought. You know your partner loves you, or your sex buddies lust after you. Your third isn’t going to steal your partner away. Keeping this in mind can help to move past the initial spurt of jealousy.

Ride out the jealousy train, but if you find you can't, it is better to stop the play than to ‘power through it.’

It is vitally important that if you undertake a threesome, you and your partner both want to. Don’t do it because you think it will ‘save your relationship.’

I have seen many couples do so, and it never works the way you think it will. It's also not fair on your third to be the ‘relationship fixer.’ That is not their responsibility.

It is important to make sure no one feels pressured to do 'xyz' or be the one in charge of making sure the night goes smoothly. Make sure everyone is aware, by communicating, that it's a joint effort.

One common threesome problem is usually someone ends up feeling left out. As they say, two's a couple, three’s a crowd.

Making sure to include everyone in each activity is important. Or be upfront on if you feel left out during the night. Like saying, ‘hey I’m feeling a little lonely over here, can I get some attention?’

No shame in speaking up.

What now?

The problem with threesomes is there are many different people’s feelings involved. It's possible one person might not want to do it again, that the other had fun and doesn’t have an opinion either way, but maybe the third developed feelings. Or you now feel awkward that you had a threesome with a friend, etc.

Sometimes it's impossible to predict if someone will have issues after the deed is done, or impossible to stop someone from feeling hurt. But, an important thing to do, going back to communication, is being up front about what you and your partner are after.

If your third comes to you and says, 'hey I am having feelings after our threesome', be prepared for what your response will be. Or if your partner or yourself develops feelings, are you prepared to deal with that and any consequences?

Even when seeing couples for work reasons, I like to check in the next day with them. Are they okay? Do they still feel okay about what we did?

Touching base is a good way to reassure everyone involved, and if you, your partner and your third all want to do it all again, what does that look like? Are you polyamorous and wanting to bring someone into your relationship, or is only sexual?

Laying ground rules of what an arrangement like that looks like is the best way to take care of all involved.

Have fun

Most importantly, have fun. A threesome is a pleasurable debauched experience. Laugh, try new things. Enjoy yourself and your partners.