I recognize that being a heterosexual female is generally a bad life decision.

Blue Sperry Topsiders

by gooseandsoda

One of many reasons that I will never have children is because if I had a daughter she might do something like what I am about to relate here, which is a great story, but not when it’s being told by your kid.

It was the birthday party of the woman who is now one of my absolute best friends, though at the time we were only just getting to know each other. It was a steamy summer night and I’d only moved to the city a few months prior. I was a bright-eyed 20-something who thought she had the world on a string. We toasted to my friend’s health and there were shots upon shots upon shots and I hadn’t eaten a thing since that morning, so needless to say I was definitely getting blackout drunk.

I spotted a tall blonde man who was wearing shorts and these ridiculous baby blue boat shoes:

I decided I had to have him. I went on the attack and he was apparently interested in an aggressively drunk pint-sized girl, so he and I get ready to leave the bar together. My friend Brian tries to stop us as we are walking out, knowing how drunk I am and that this is a strange man who is wearing fucking Tiffany-blue Sperry Topsiders. But I brushed Brian aside, saying, “It’s okay Brian, I’m just going to go have sex with this guy. It’s fine,” because I am nothing if not a real classy broad.

Well everything goes a bit dark after this point, except oh yeah I do remember throwing up in this poor guy’s bed. Luckily on account of the whole not eating thing it was just liquid, but I don’t believe he did much other than put down a towel and go back to sleep.

And my FAVORITE part of this story, which says a lot about either me or this guy, or both of us depending on how you look at it – is that we had sex in that bed in the morning.