Being clear in the mind, and honest in my heart , I am just sick of settling. I am enjoying my time alone, yet I am missing the joys of sharing my thoughts and life with someone.

I am excellent at pretending. Pretending I am interested in whatever the current topic of conversation may be; when, in fact, I am entirely, momentarily (hopefully), hollowed out, numb, incapable of communication on anything other than a basic level: “Yes. No. Okay”; when all I want is the conversation to end, as soon as possible, as painlessly as possible, but for it to do so would involve me being able to talk, to explain – a dark irony not lost on me as I stare at the table top.

This is not an ongoing thing but I have baggage . I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and ADHD. Sometimes I talk too much, I am forgetful, I have mood swings. I cuss too much and on the other side I love too much .
Personally, my mania has lead to anger, cursing and inappropriate behavior. Not exactly the stuff of good relationships no matter what your diagnosis. I have been in a relationship that has turned into a brother, sister, mommy, kiddie thing. It has taken me many years of pain and disappointments to fully understand that I am deserving of a partner that loves me and my flaws. Everyone comes with baggage and I am carrying enough baggage to fill up an entire 747 plane.

I am not sure how I wanted this post to start or end, I do know that sitting here on this Sunday morning , I am OK.
I have started the day with my wonderful smoothies and of course hot lemon water instead of coffee. I have made another bowl of lovely cabbage soup ( yet it is getting boring, so today I spiced it up a bit ) . I went to just check to see if all this effort in this veggie , smoothie, cabbage soup diet is working and pleased to see I am fitting better in my clothes. Now , regardless of being bipolar , I am human and did the cabbage soup dance !

I am a bit nostalgic for the sweet, swoony buzz from a good drink or two–the kind that used to make me feel warm and liquid and a little light-headed.

I was never one of those savoring-the-fine-wine types of drinkers. I was more like, “Which drink will get me out of my head fastest?”

I was a big drinker at the time. I would drink every day, I would drink alone. I thought the whole concept was so f**king cool. And in my case I was able to be numb. Not to listen to the inner thoughts that were roaming around in my head. It always goes back to the addict, the one who screams ME ME ME the loudest.

“It’s not safe outside. The city—any city—is littered with my drug of choice…suddenly you realize that everything is a bar now: the coffee bar, the frozen-yogurt bar, the chocolate bar, the pizza bar—and there is nowhere left to run except straight to the dive liquor store that sells the hard stuff with no bullshit on the side, where the only thing that separates you from feeling normal is a thin brown-paper bag and the time it takes you to walk home.

In other words, you can’t just leave the house sober and hope for the best; you have to be armed… ( drinking diaries )

Some days, I really have no idea what to do with myself. I can go either one or completely the other way. So here I sit surrounded with every self help book I could get my hands on. I started doing online yoga and trying to meditate but am I happy with this?

Sometimes yes, and by that I mean I feel as if I am doing this for me. I feel a sense of pride returning and positive. And then again NO, I have been numbing for over 20+ years. I sometimes get up and think why can’t I have that morning beer, the one that allows the numbing to begin. That allows me not to struggle with all the thoughts rushing at me . It was normal for me.

What I am saying is I am still in the midst of a huge struggle. Not so much as missing the drinking process , it’s living in the now that has become a struggle. This is something foreign to me . Today and just for today, I am trying my hardest to let it , live in the now and push the drinking me aside.

I have done many things that has haunted me for many years , I mean I have been deported from not one but 2 countries. I have minimum contact with my children and surely they must have abandonment issues . I live with “what if” , however I am allowing myself to be forgiven. After all these years of drug and alcohol addiction , many rehabs, and many broken promises, I am doing my best to just find Me,Like me , accept the past , stop numbing the regret away and hopefully learn to love Me. I am Bipolar, I am a addict , I have ADD but that does not define who is sitting here chain smoking and trying to find the right words to share today. So there it is.

…You saw this coming, didn’t you? Ending any post with, “I’m doing okay” means… Be careful, the shit is about to hit the fan. But not always. Sometimes it is easier to just keep thinking “hey , everything is great.. I am fine and keep going ” I sometimes feel this is the inner me fighting to stay on top of the B.S that can and would come out if I allow myself to get so far.. OK , maybe I am not making much sense at the moment. I do not feel manic nor depressed today. I just feel ” like me”.But I am waiting for something to happen to put me into drama , crisis or whatever you choose to call it. Then it hits me … No drama today. I feel as if my ” self wishing and talking will overcome any battle I face today )I had a good day today. I had one of those days where my self esteem was stroked like a purring little kitten.I am slowly getting back into the routine of things. I had a very slow week at work, I just found it really difficult to motivate myself and get back into things. I am really confused and excited all at the same time! Work has been quite hard but good recently. I identified a number of potential errors and did my best to correct them. It was a stretch for me to do this but after the initial anxieties of calling people I did enjoy it. It is Saturday and my weekend starts on Friday, so Thursday doing what any normal bipolar would do I had the need to enjoy and party a bit. Friday was spent recovering Pffff…

Today on this bright Saturday morning I awoke to the feeling that I had many things to do. I felt good.. I still feel OK, I also checked the mailbox this morning and I finally got my invitation to call and be seen by the top Dutch doctor here in Amsterdam. I am very happy about that but it means having to start yet another relationship and tell my “story”. again . I felt very comfortable with my doctor now but he admits that he hasn’t had many dealings with” someone like me ” Great!!!Me as a whole just wants what everyone wants.. happiness and someone to share that with.

I so want to make friends, I love people and I hate being on my own. I am making really good progress and I have my own blog, which I have been writing for just over a 3 weeks now.

I have suffered in silence most of my life – When I kept getting diagnosed with depression and prescribed more drugs I said I thought I had social phobia. It has taken me years and been so difficult to get any help! I want to share my experience in the hope that it may help others. Mainly I write for myself, it is my new freedom into my mind. I haven’t had many people reading my blog yet. I am a bit afraid to allow it to merge with my address book. I mean I am on every social network you can think of… but what about work and my coworkers reading this. I have a part of me that says it will be helpful for them to understand me … but also to see inside a very personal part of my life. I do not feel ashamed of my bipolar anymore .. but I do have moments when I may just write anything , only to wake up the next day to hear “hey so and so is very upset about what you wrote. should I care , since starting this blog I feel that my feelings get to come out .. I haven’t allowed myself to really get that personal but I feel that I am on my way.

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Miss Crabby Ass

When my life started to spiral out of my control.
I didn't know the cause. All I knew was that everything I did, every bit of self-control and discipline I exerted made no difference. This blog is about my struggle with bipolar, addiction and recovery...