About Me

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Direct Line Insurance

Due to the fact that big companies no longer provide a contact email address I've had to do this the old fashioned way and send them an actual letter. I've provided them with my email in case they way to reply but I won't hold my breath. Here's what I wrote to them:

Niesche

1, Parma Violet Avenue
Beeston

Leeds

theniesche@hotmail.com

Direct Line Insurance
The Wharf,

Neville Street,

Leeds LS1 4AZ

Dear Sir/Madam,

I was overjoyed to see your recent
advertising campaign on the telly in which you have co-opted the 'Mr
Wolf' character out of that film by that man with the big chin. It's
so lovely to see such a well respected and, dare I say, 'cool'
character appointed as the face of an insurance company. Major kudos
for that fictional coup homies! The fact that said fictional
character is a foul-mouthed, impolite odd-job man who associates with
criminal kingpins and two-bit hitmen who murder people for fun is
neither here nor there! In fact, as insurance companies are
essentially in the business of racketeering anyway, due to the fact that they
not only force customers into paying an excess regardless of the huge
amounts of money they pay in over the years, and if you
so much as dare to make a claim against all this money your premiums
skyrocket faster than a cat in a bucket of tramps' sick, he's the
perfect match! So, with this in mind I have some suggestions for
future advertising campaigns involving 'cool' fictional characters,
all tailored to the different types of insurance you offer (i'm so
fucking good to you guys!).

Home: how about Freddy Kruger
the crispy-faced dream fiddler? Not only does he invade your home but
your head too! “1, 2 Freddy's coming for you......3, 4 better lock
your door........or alternatively sign up to Direct Line Home
Insurance! He might make your dreams living nightmares but at least
your building and contents will be safe!”

Car: Now, i've thought long and
hard about this one as it's tricky. There are the usual suspects of
Steve McQueen's character out of Bullit, or Nicolas Cage's idiot from
Gone In 60 Seconds, but even though they both drive cars they're not
really in keeping with the total criminal scumbag image you're trying
to embrace. With this in mind I thought the ideal candidate would be
Vincent Vega, Mr Wolf's friend from Pulp Fiction! There's a bit where
he drives a car so it's relevant and he ticks all the 'cool scumbag'
boxes! Murderer: check! Reckless driver: Check! Heroin addict: check!
Violent psychopath: check! Who better to ensure you get all that
cool-by-association kudos than a piss-poor actor trying to capture
'effortless cool' but instead coming across as a lethargic moron with
about as much menace as a piece of toast?!

Pet: Jefferey Dahmer. Now,
strictly speaking he's not a fictional character. I know. Sorry. But
he did start off his killing career by murdering dogs in the woods
behind his parents' house so he certainly fits the 'unsavoury' theme
you've got going on, and those dogs were probably pets to someone so
it's all good no? Plus he's got mad charisma! How else do you think
he enticed all those fellas back to his flat for sex and
cannibalism?? Just think, the young, suave and handsome Dahmer
casually dragging a dog off into the woods, his weedy thin moustache
twitching abnormally while the voice over talks in a menacing way
about 'keeping your pets safe' and repeating sinister cliches like
'you wouldn't want anything bad to happen would you...'.

Travel: The 9/11 bombers. Again,
not fictional but thanks to the amount of column inches dedicated to
those guys over the years, they're bordering on fucking mythological!
Slogan could be something like, I dunno, “Our travel insurance is
'planely' the best” or “We can't offer you 72 virgins, but we can
offer 7.2% no claims bonus after 2 years!”.

Life: Now this one's a surefire
winner. You ever seen that movie Faces of Death?? The one with all
the real life footage people being dead and that?? (Of course you
didn't you’re probably just a 19 year old intern whose favourite
movie is fucking Dodgeball). The narrator was a guy called Dr
something or other, here's a picture of him:

Look at that sinister beard! If ever a
facial hair arrangement screamed 'socially inept animal rapist' then
this is it! Look how he's got one side of his collar out and the
other side tucked in! And in spite of his smart attire the look on
his face suggests that he thinks he's naked! He’s a walking
erection in a suit! He'd be perfect to lecture your potential
customers on the likelihood of their impending demise whilst slowly
undressing, never for one minute taking his eyes from the camera. You
could end with him saying “Trust me, i'm a doctor” as he advances
towards the screen...

So, if that doesn't whet your creative
palette then nothing will. I don't want any money for these ideas by
the way, even though they are incredibly high quality and so very
well thought through. No, instead the mere feeling of warmth from
knowing i'm helping a culturally blind corporate organisation gain
some much needed kudos so their executives can swan about pretending
to be 'cool' for a couple of weeks is sufficient for me.

Peace out brothers and sisters of
ripping people off insurance,

Niesche x

Well bugger me with a fridge, i got a reply! It's a bit weird though and smells a bit spammy, though the contact details seem legit. My reply is below it:

We have recently received a complaint letter
from your about the advertisment run by Direct Line. To enable us deal
with the concerns you've raised , please can you provide us with your
full name, contact address and phone number.

Lovely to hear from you, i'm so glad you got
my letter. While i am ecstatic that you have seen fit to 'deal' with my
'complaint', i am a little apprehensive about giving you my full name,
contact address and phone number. After all, you insurance guys are
pretty much just government sanctioned criminals aren't you? (as
evidenced by your association with Mr Wolf! Gave the game away there
didn't you eh?!) So i'm scared that if i do give you my shit then i'll
get a visit from an unkempt man called Barry one Saturday afternoon
telling me to "keep my maaarrrff shut" in an over-the-top cockney
accent. You might even put dog poo on my car handles, or sneak into my
house and superglue a fork to my cat. I'd be leaving myself open to a
whirlwind of crappy low-level pranks, I'm sure you can understand my
concern.

So, in the interests of my peace of mind i require some
form of proof that you are indeed a Direct Line representative. Now i'm
a reasonable man so i won't be asking for a picture of you taking a big
shit on a Churchill nodding dog statue while licking a red telephone or
anything like that (though that would be a very beautiful thing). No,
instead just a quick selfie of you sat at your desk holding up some kind
of Direct Line branded item will suffice. And if you could hold up a
sign next to it saying 'That's not a baby that's a potato', even better!

Alternatively, you could just email me with a full apology and
some token of gratitude for the world-beating ideas i sent you, you
ungrateful shits (I know i originally said i didn't want anything for
them but i've changed my mind. Show me the money! Or the kebab. A kebab
would be nice).

Oh dear oh dear, we're in a bit of a
pickle aren't we? This is like a really pathetic Mexican stand off via
email. Hmmmm, what are we to do.........ooh i know! How about i count to
three and then we both reveal our identities to each other! No, wait.
That won't work will it? Shit. I've got a better idea! I'll describe
myself to you, in detail, and then i'll also give you a bunch of names
that i'm NOT called and by process of elimination you can cross them out
of the phone book and you'll be left with a bunch of names that MIGHT
be mine then we can play like an email version of Guess Who! 'Have you
got brown eyes?', 'Are you wearing a tie?' that sort of thing. This is
great! Ok, about me: I'm six foot one and i'm tons of fun and i dress to
a 't', you see i've got more clothes than Mohammed Ali and i dress so
viciously, I got bodyguards, i got two big cars that definitely ain't
the whack, i got a Lincoln Continental and a sunroofed Cadillac. Doesn't
that paint a lovely picture Segun?! Also, here's a bunch of names that
i'm NOT called: