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r T HE year
( \ comes like
04b, most of its
44 predecessors,
full of hope
Sand promise,
and with the
firm convic-
AR tion on every-
body's part
that while
things may be
better, they

s t worse. We
t hat m oo a Wy t 1 e

shallsee. Itis
i t ominous that
even before
Christmas-
tide, with its
oat en-stop,
melodious
with peace,
has gone,
un w athereisevery-
A where unrest,
swee the snad is i and airy
voices babble
of war. Par-
liament meets prematurely-for what purpose
Its Master does not deem it worthy to be told.
He bids his serfs assemble, and they obey his
behest with servile complaisance. Not one among
them has the manhood to demand "Why 7" Yet
in the heart of every one of them lies the convic-
tion that the purpose is a desperate one, which may
compromise the country's dearest interests. Out-
side the parliamentary circle there are also
malefic whispers-a great war-gathering, to be
followed by greater peace-gatherings-and still
men have faith in the New Year as they had in
the Old Year, and as they will always have in the
unknown and the untried. Hope springs eternal
in the human breast," and is pretty to look upon,
sweet to the scent, and in its fruitage allied to the
Dead-sea apple-dust and ashes in the mouths of
individuals and of nations.
A scrap of an Irish paper which has come to
hand gives the speech of a candidate, who has
all at once-and not from any political reason
of course, oh, dear, no !-grown an enthusiast in
Irish scenery. "I have learned even to love the
inanimate features of your lovely landscapes,"
he says, with which I have grown familiar from
my repeated canvasses." No doubt; the can-
vasses being those on which the lovely landscapes
are painted. There is many a true word spoken
in-politics.
It seems that Brevity is no longer the soul of
Wit-at least, with public performers. Length
has usurped its place. We have been surfeited
with Long Walks, and Long Runs, and Long
Swims, and Long Rides; and now there is a rage
for Long Memories. Last season, a clever gentle-
man gained much applause by reciting certain of
Shakespeare's Plays without any prompting, and
another elocutionist has lately stepped forward
who is said to know the whole of the Immortal
Bard's writings by heart. Happily no one is
bound to test the assertion by listening while the
gentleman in question opens his heart and lets
out all the Bard it contains. Bard islongand life
is fleeting, and one may be permitted to observe
that a man might as arule turn his heart to better
account than getting speeches by it.
A serious contemporary wrote a gushing article
on Christmas Day, meaning it to be very im-
pressive too, and yet harped continually on the
" shameful proposed partition of Turkey." This
was a little too much.
In one of the daily papers lately has appeared
the following advertisement: "Juvenile Cook's
Tours, organized for taking children to the sights
of London, without fatigue to parents." This is
such an admirable idea, especially for "refrac-
tory children, that imagination immediately ran
riot, and one had visions of something like the
following programme of an outing. The day,
say, would commence with the British Museum,
with a lecture on diatomacese, varied by a few
remarks on Egyptian metaphysics and the recent
Assyrian discoveries; then, by way of a change,
to the Monument, where the children could be
asked to state generally what they recollected of the
Great Fire. After a light refreshment of a bun
and a glass of water at the nearest drinking
fountain, Sir John Soane's Museum, about which
nobody knows anything, would come with refresh-
ing novelty. Here a short address on temperance
mightn't be oat of place, and this over, a journey at
once to Exeter Hall, where a few observations
(which could be well delivered on the steps) on
the various missionary societies would be ex-
tremely profitable. If the day be cold, distribute
peppermint drops, and then off to the Tower. As
time will not allow you to enter, content yourself
with putting questions as to the date of the births
and deaths of the various illustrious persons who
have perished within that historic pile, and if any
of the children still show signs of liveliness, finish
up the day by showing them the obelisks in Lud-
gate Circus, the statuary in Trafalgar-square, and
the back of the National Gallery. A few tours
of this description would infallibly reduce the
most obstinate juvenile to abject submission.
The French antiquarian Pots have been calling
their fello* antiquarians Pans black, and all
about that interminable old nuisance, the Man
in the Iron Mask." There is this consistency,
however, in the Pot and Pan row, and that is that
it took place at Cannes.
"The contest for the representation of Green-
wvich," says the -Echo, "seems likely to be
rather a complicated one-suicidal, we fear, for
the Liberals. There are still three candidates
before the constituency-Mr. Donald Currie,
Liberal, Mr. James Stewart, of Garvocks, Liberal,

and Mr. William Dundas Scott Moncrieff,
Radical. Each is addressing meetings nightly."
And yet one never sees any reports of their
speeches in the daily papers. It is really shame-
ful how the London papers neglect London.
Stay I Perhaps-yes, it must be. The Echo meant
Greenock, but of course the compositor couldn't
withstand the temptation of the spirit of mischief
-in other words, of the witch.
An observant friend remarked to me the other
day on the bad examples which the daily papers
set the public. While each vaunts its sheet as the
best advertising medium, the papers never adver-
tise in each other. They resort to the blank spaces
and the hoardings, and the services of Barkis, as
people call him, on the assurance that Barkis is
Willing." Now, as it can hardly be that "the
Largest circulation considers "the World-wide
circulation" of its rival a sheer fiction, and
vice versa, this is setting advertisers a very bad
example, It is exalting the wall above the
column, whereas in advertising, only the weakest
goes to the wall, the newspaper being the true
advertising medium. And, I suspect, it is weak-
ness which influences the dailies in this matter.
The truth is that there is as much petty feeling
and miserable jealousy among journals which
affect to wield the destinies of the world as there
was between Mr. Potts and his rival at Eatanswill,
and the "Reptile" would not be indebted to the
Crawler," even for an increase to the ranks of its
own supporters.

HE WAS A STARTLING MAN.
(Withlthanas toMr. George Grossmith,jun.,for the hint.)
AIR-" He was a Careful Maa."
About a well-known gentleman my Muse in wonder
sings,
Who in his long career has done some most astound-
ing things;
The fortune of whose public life took many a twist
and twirl,
Till he became Prime Minister, and after that an
Earl.
For he was a startling man,
He was a startling man;
Wherever he went,
'Twas his intent
To be a startling man.
While yet a youth, inflaming Epics rapidly he wrote;
Then in the nation's Parliament he got a right to
vote;
But when they wouldn't listen to his speeches, he
averred
That some day they should hear him-and he made
them keep his word.
For he was a startling man, &c.
Now, when he took the country's helm, his course
was very queer,
Begetting great uncertainty which way he meant
to steer.
He'd first say this, and then say that, in bluster or
retort,
And finally inform the world 'twas nothing of the
sort.
For he was a startling man, &c.
Great matters treated he as small, the short he
treated long,
Which habit led poor simple folk to think'him in the
wrong;
And so at length the populace to jeer at him began,
And from his secret ways they named him "Ben,
the Mystery Man."
For he was a startling mami,&c.
By way of doing something which might catch us
unawares,
He coined an Indian title, and he bought up Suez
shares;
And&doting on surprises so, he gave himself a treat
By popularly-misconstrued manoeuvres with the
Fleet. .
For he was a startling man, &c.
His latest unexpected move which I may now relate
Was calling Parliament to meet before the usual
date.
No reason was assigned for it, so people near and
far
All fell to wondering was it peace, or was his mean-
ing war ?
For he's such a startling man,
He's such a startling man ;
Whatever he does,
He tries to puz-
Zle, does this Startling Man !

WHEELING HOME IN THE
MORNING.
There is evidently a pleasant time coming for
persons who are fond of a wee drop in their e'e.
In Dundee the Police Commissionershave ordered
the immediate construction of five double springed
wheelbarrows, to convey drunk and .incapable
persons to the police office during the holidays;
and other luxuries will doubtless follow: Why
not, for instance, handcuffs lined wi.h velvet, or.
staves nicely padded, or stretcher' with ;pr;ng'
mattresses ? Under such circumstances there
would be an indescribable pleasure in getting drunk,
and one's bliss would be absolutely complete if
the constables were only instructed to wheel a
person home instead of to a police office. What
more can the law desire than to bring the guilt to
a man's own door ? ;

Dramatic.
It is asserted that Jan& Shore is drawing enor-
mously. Perhaps so;. but looking to the immense
pictures of Miss Heath- now visible on all the
hoardings, we must at least admit that some one
has been drawing Jane Shore enormously.

Consumed with Zeal (?)
The rumour that Whalley had been destroyed by
fire, which was current on Boxing Night, led many
to suppose that the Pope of Rome had at last caught
the member for Peterborough ; and considerable
satisfaction prevailed in Protestant circles on learn-
ing that it was only a station on the Lancashire and
Yorkshire line that had been burned.

NEW YEAR'S GIFTS.
The French custom which requires every one
to bestow dtrennes on every one else on New
Year's Day has been spreading in other.countries
of late years, until this present "jour de l'an "
has been well-nigh universally marked by a
promiscuous bestowal of gifts. At present our
list is naturally incomplete, but the following
individuals have been remembered by some kind
friend in the way mentioned below :
NAME OF RECIPIENT. NATURE OF GIFT.
Marshal MacMahon .A Policy (to expire in
1880) in the Constitu-
tional Assurance Office.
Proprietors of Telegraph A very lean Turkey.
The Earl of Beaconsfield. Abound Fileof the Daily
News and a Sphinx
Paper-weight.
Mr. Whalley . .. Pope's Works.
Mr. Gladstone . . A Bundle of Post-Cards
and a Letter-Writer.
The Editor of the World. A copy of Balder the
Beautiful."
The Earl of Shaftesbury. An Onyx Heart, with
"Charity" engraved
on it.
The Prince of Servia . A Sack.
The Czar . . .. A Cheque for his
Butcher's Bill.
Mr. Archibald Forbes. A Gold Pen.
General Todleben A Silver Trowel.
Sir John Bennett A Gag.
Mr. Justice Hawkins A Black Cap.
Mr. Sims Reeves . A Respirator and a Tin
of Best Mustard.
Mr. H. Irving . . Their Other Cheek,"
bythe Dramatic Critics
of London.
Mr. Lowe . . .. A Bicycle.
Mr. J. Bright . Hook's Works.
Mr. Robert Browning An English Grammar.
General Ignatieff . A Volume of Truth.
Count Andrassy A Weathercock.
Dr. E. A. Freeman. . A Strait Waistcoat and
the Habits of Good
Society.
Prince Bismarck. . A Heart.
Don Carlos . . A Home.
The King of Italy . A Good Ministry.
Every One. . ... Funny Folk's Annual.

BELLIGERENT BABBLINGS. ,
On the 22nd inst., the Roumanians occupied
Arzel Palanka without fighting," saith the Daily
Telegraph. After which, who can assert that the
defenders of Palanka Arzel-ous Ottomans ?
Though Colonel Pfeiffer is mentioned as be-
'longing to Todleben's staff, not a word is said
about Captain Drummer., This is evidently an
oversight, as the two are notorious inseparable.
A special correspondent, who has recently been
brightening Kerim Pasha's life by his companion-
ship, speaks of a "young Bulgar lad." If he
had said, a "little Bulgar boy," it would have
looked like ill-timed facetiousness, don't you
know.
"Unflinching Turkish columns' are, an it
please you, those of the Daily Telegraph.

COOK'S TOURS FOR THE
LITTLE ONES.
(FROM PERSONAL OBSERVATION.)

The latest thing out for the children is a holiday
tour to the sights of London, a la Cook, got up by
an enterprising individual, who thought that
parents and guardians in the metropolis would
willingly pay for the privilege of getting their
youngsters off their hands during a portion of the
vacation time, and thus avoid the trouble of taking
them round sight-seeing.
We had just read the announcement of the,
above fact in Truth, and started. for home, .ponder-
ing on the desirability of at once securing nine
inclusive tickets, when we observed three dilapi-
dated looking omnibuses, with slips of blank paper
pasted. over their sides, draw up in succession at
the foot of Trafalgar-square.
A man with a look of weary wee upon his face
thereupon waved a wand he carried-a kind of
cross between afishing-rod aud a billiard-cue-and
forty-nine boys and girls of assorted ages descended
from the vehicles named, and formed in: frontiof
the south-western Landseer lion.
By that time the woe-begoie party had take i
down from the box seat of the last 'bus and put
together a small rostrum, which resembled a-pair
of library steps trying to look like 'a hming-
machine. Mounting this he caught .sight. of
three of his party walking off towards a h.aiW&l.
organ in Chandos-street,-and dispat h,:d an antsia,
taut to bring them back, whilst he himself had to.
dismount to go after a party of five who had
stolen off under the shelter of the fountain' basin,
and already begun to sail theiricaps in the water.
When both lots hbd been brought back, and a
general deniete in favour of carrying the National
Gallery steps by escalade put down, he pointed
with his stick at Admiral Nelson, and began :
"Dear girls and boys, pray tell me whom it is
you see onthe top of this column ?'"
Landseer I" exclaimed one sharp-eyed boy of
ten-a remark followed by a timid whisper of a
little girl to the effect that it was Lord
Nelson-Pillar l" her idea evidently being that
one Admiral Pillar had been christened Nelson
in his youth.
Just at -that moment as, he had pulled out
his notes, and'was evidently about to give a short
synopsis of the admiral's life, the woe-stricken
one caught our eye, and seeming to feel in-
stinctively we were gazing on him with a view
to copy, put" back his note-book, and altering
his plans, said:
"Now then, all the girls and boys with blue
tickets.hold them up I'" a request followed by the
uprising of some fifteen hands. i'
We then heard him tell his attendant in a
hoarse whisper, One Bath bun apiece and a
ottle of lemonade between two, remember I" and

with that the fifteen ,were marched off to the
nearest confectioner's.
These favoured ones evidently possessed the in-
clusive tickets covering fares, .admission fees,
lunch, a ride onthe elephant, nuts to give the
monkeys, and all 'the rest of it.
The remaining thi*iy-four 'boys and girls, not
being so blessed were taken round the square
and shown the statues of Generals Havelock,
Napier, and Kings George and Charles, whilst
the Bath buns of the/luckier fifteen were being
eaten.
Long before the l.tier had returned, the police
began to protest ab.Jut the empty 'busses, and at
length the woebegone had to send them away.
telling the driver to meet him at the National
Gallery steps in an hour's time.
The attendant only succeeded in bringing back
twelve of his party ; three of them having rushed
off full of Bath bun) en route to the square ; and
as two hours later we saw three familiar-looking
boys Punch-and-Judy hunting in the Brompten-
road, we concluded there was protracted trouble
about them.
We stayed nearly half an hour, watching the
conductor trying to rush his party up the National
Gallery steps-a feat he did not succeed in
accomplishing till the police on duty assisted by
keeping the bottom of the flight on the other side
the portico ; and even when he got them in at
last, a great scandal was caused, not to say alarm,
by a boy letting off surreptitiously-acquired bang-
hops in the Turner room.
From what we overheard, the remainder of the
day's programme embraced Temple Bar, St. Paul's
Cathedral, and the Mansion House and Guildhall,
though from what we saw of the woe-begone one,
we fear he never got through it.
As a result of what we saw-we leave our
readers to assume whether it was or not a Juvenile
Cook's Tour in progress-we have resolved to allow
our children's uncle to take them sight-seeing as
usual.

ON HERLEGS AGAIN.
Here's that ironed clad that Thunderer a crip-
pled again !" exclaimed Aunt Towzer, indignantly,
the other day on reading the Naval and Military
Intelligence in the Times. Readjustments will
also be required to be made in her crutches.' Will
they ? Well, I never A pretty state of affairs,
indeed, for our ships, as is our very best bullworks,
a being obliged to go on crutches. Some people do
say as our navy is on its last legs, and I do believe
as it's about true ;" and the dear old lady had to
read the Foreign Funds twice before she recovered
her "compogeher."

CHRISTMAS RIDGE-OICINGS.
It is gratifying to find that famous Dr. Ridge's
employs dined together on Christmas Day, and
also on the best and cheapest of all foods." The
manufactory was decorated with appropriate
mottoes, such as,
Speak well of the Ridge that carries you over,"
in allusion to the curative properties of the food in
illness, and,
"If Ridge's be the Food of Health, Ridge on."
The banquet comprised, in addition to the Food,
turkey and partridge, beef and porridge, and other
luxuries. At the close of the repast (enlivened
with every kind of beveridge), a discussion was
entered into, the object being to refute Dr. Darwin's
ideas on the o'er-Ridge-ing of species, and it was
unanimously resolved that our species cannot be
over-Ridged.

A Nice Sort of Man!
The Ame'riea lIa.r,; found a fossil man in Colo-
rado, arid t is agreed ip geological circles that he
may be cuanisintly c. ,.:j a ','Gneiss" sort of a
specimen.. _______ :'.
Abroad Hint and a Home Thrust.
The Echo, speaking of a popular comedian, now
enacting a comic German at the Globe, says, Mr.
Collette is always good in foreign parts." Well,
but is he not always good when in England ?

Rah-ther
The French '.ave a proverb, the trath of which
is fully borne 'bot by the hurrahs with which the
ever-delightful Blanchard's Drury Lane pantomime,
the White Oaf, is received: Bon chat, bon 'rah.'
Don't you perceive P

A Yankee Outrage.,
We are inclined to be hospitable, but' when an
American wag came to our office and suggested,
.apropos to Grant's visit to Lyons, that "that 'ere
Lady o' Lions was the one that, as he guessed,
Claw'd Melnotte," we felt bound sternly, though
politely, to bid him begone.
1' '' *- >'

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1878.]-

THE DEATH OF THE OLD
YEAR.
(With Apologies to the Poet Laureate.)
The shops set forth their winter show,
And folks (with cash) are gaily buying;
The cabs and 'buses to and fro
Rattle from Notting Hill to Bow,
While the Old Year is a-dying.
Old Year, you're dead, we know.
Quite weary we have been with you,
And little joy have seen with you :
We're glad to see you go.
He was a surly wight at best,
A faithless friend, a perfectibore,
In politics he was a pest,
Famine he gloated o'er with zest,
And loved the cannon's roar.
Surely, none need sigh or groan,
But be glad now you're gone, my friend,
And trust the New Year's dawn, my friend,
Your blunders may atone.
He gave our credit such a blow,
That scarcely it survived the shock.
He wrote dull books and plays as slow,
And tried with frequent strikes to throw
Trade into a dead-lock.
Old Year, 'twas time to die.
We really shall not rue for you,
And nothing could we do for you-
In fact, we didn't try. '
From such a churl we could.not win
A cheerful look or pleasant tone,
But ever sadness and chagrin ;
Crime, failure, misery, and sin,
His visage here hath shown.
The New Year waiteth at the door.
Welcome! Be blithe and sing, my friend,
And better prospects bring, my friend:
We never craved them more.

THE PLUM-PUDDING REVOLT.
A CHRISTMAS FANTASY. ,
SCENE-The Dominion of tie Emperor Shefdaquizine.
MR. SUPER WHITE. Well, friends, I think
we are, all agreed that the proposition of the
Emperor Shefdequizine to introduce new features
into our body is un-English and bad for the con-
stitution. I shall not make any floury speech-
(laughter)-I have merely stated the ground of
our protest. I am happy to mix on equal
terms with any members present, but intend to
resist all innovations. ,
MR. PEEL said he wished to be candid. Mr.
Super White was a dry, chaffy sort of gentleman.
He questioned whether the tone of meeting would
be taken from one whose views were naturally
colourless.
MR. SUPER WHITE rose to protest. He.
knew there were cross-currents of opinion.
MIss SULTANA objected to personalities. Her
friends from Greece had not been very polite, but,

she thought any display of feeling would cause a
great stir. (Laughter, in which all joined, and
Miss Sultana sat down.)
MR. SUET said he was of a mild, yielding dis-
position, and was ready to agree with any raiesin-
able suggestion. (Laughter.) He hoped they
would speedily adopt some form of protest, for he
was ready to melt with the great heat. He would
say no more, the sitter aon his right had something
to say, he believed.
MESSRS. ALLSPICE, NUTMEG, and CINNA-
MON (passionately). Do you intend to leave us
out of the discussion ? If so, we shall withdraw.
MnS. MOIST said she was amused by the tropical
warmth the last speakers had displayed. She
thought that sweetness most of all would tend to
bring matters to a satisfactory conclusion.
MR. ALMOND rose in protest. He did not wish
to be a bitter almond, but really Mrs. Moist took
too much on herself. He would not submit to any
yoke. (Laughter.) He would see the whole thing
beaten up first. (Cries of Order-order I")
MR. SKYBLUE objected to the undue influence
of Old Brandy, who said Mr. Skyblue had almost
curdled him by his violence. He granted Old
Brandy's conduct was spirited, but why conduct
the revolt in such a heady, turbulent manner ? The
cream of it was-- (Great laughter.)
MISS RATAFIA. The fact is, Mr. Skyblue has
merely skimmed over the subject. (Laughter.)
MR. NEWLAID. The question is, what are we
hatching ? (Roars of laughter.) We met to
protest against the conduct of Shefdequizine, and
to obtain some amelioration of his despotic rule.
(Hear, hear.) There is nothing, friends, but a
coup d'etat in the copper to bring him to his
senses. (Great cheering.)
MR. SUPER WHITE again rose. He was not
ambitious to puff himself, although he might say
with piide that he was often puffed by others.
He begged to introduce a venerable friend, who
would address the meeting.
FATHER CHRISTMAS said he had generally met
them once a year, and nothing had hitherto dis-
turbed the harmony of their meeting. He quite
agreed with them that the attempt to interfere
with laws which had been handed down for cen-
turies was uncalled for. (Hear, hear.) But they
need beeunder no apprehension. He had himself
visited the Emperor Shefdequinzine, and had
pointed out the danger to ,the constitution which
might result from any infringement of their
rights. Their ruler had graciously yielded, and
there would be no changes. (Great cheering.)
If they would permit him, he would offer up the
holly branch as a token of goodwill. He hoped
to meet them for many a year to come.
Amidst the greatest enthusiasm the meeting
broke up, and the great Plum Pudding Revolt
came to an end.

WHY is a negro's fable like Vulcan?-Because
it's a black's myth.

A FACT.

An excited individual entered a hosier's shop
the other day and accosted the counterman thus :
"Look here, sir: I bought some red flannel
wrappers of you last winter I"
Yes, sir ?" mildly put in that at-hearb guilt-
stricken skipper.
"And you warranted them properly shrunk,"
went on tuis infuriate one.
Indeed, sir," said the shopman, edging away
from reach of that customer's umbrella; "and
were they ?"
Were they, sir?" echoed the now wildly-
excited individual. "Were they ? Ha, ha
Were they, forsooth ? Well, I'll tell you, sir.
Those red flannel wrappers have been washed
three times; and when I came down in one yes-
terday my wife asked me if I always meant to
wear a ceral necklace for the future ? That's all,
sir. That's all I" [Left "Thdt's all-ing."

A Light Remark.
Killjoy has not been to the Prince of Wales's
lately, but he says he knows well enough what
"An Unequal Match is. It's the ordinary
vesta-sometimes it will light, and sometimes it
won't.
NEW NAME FOR A MATRIMONIAL WEEKLY.-
The Court Journal."

"WILDFIRE."
[By On CRanKaSH CRITIC ]
I should say that nothing more gorgeous than
the mounting of Wildfire has been seen, even at
the Alhambra. From the rise of the certain till
the fall thereof, all is glitter and light; down even
to the toe of Madame Pertoldi, which is, of course,
of the light fantastic order. To add that the
music is bright, that feminine loveliness shines
all over the stage, that Messrs. Reece and Farnie's
wit does its best to flash, and that the dancing-feet
of the corps de ballet twinkle merrily, is only to
prove that if Mr. Morton has made a mistake at
all-I don't think he has-it is decidedly a glaring
mistake.
Miss Pattie Laverne is a capital addition to an
already strong company. I am rather inclined to
speak of this charming lady as a Patti de faie
gras, for, as the shrewish Baroness, nothing passes
without (t)ruffling her. Miss Lennox Grey has
also been secured by Mr. Morton, who may,
perhaps, have acted on the amended maxim," The
Grey mare the better house." Aniyhow, the
Leicester square Palace was crammed on the
opening night.
In referring to the dresses, which are' most
tasteful and of French design, it must not be
forgotten that Mr. Paulton has a whole Kit (the
Cobbler) to himself. I have not heard that theie
will be any consequent stoppage out of the clever
low comedian's salary,
Three grand ballets add considerably to the
attractiveness of Wildfire; and they are all so
magnificent, and so admirably danced, that it is
kard to pick out one's favourite. Still, there
cannot be much doubt that the "jewel ballet"
will be generally considered the gem of the trio.

"Look on this Pick-ture I"
Ellen Picking has been sentenced to eighteen
months for receiving stolen money. Here is
flagrant case of "Picking and stealing."

Yet Another Atrocity.
Aunt Towzer says people may well ask "Where
are. the police ?" Only one day last week she read
in the papers that "during the past few weeks
several children in the metropolis had been killed by
Miss Adventure." Now, why isn't that san-
guineverous female in custody?

A Ores-wicked, Act.
The Bishop of Melbourn3 having asked Mr.
Creswick, our well-known tragedian, to his house
to recite Shakespeare, all the bigots in Victoria are
up in arms, thinking, seemingly, a bishop must not
indulge in the acts of a Christian gentleman. Let
us assure these antipodean pietists that if this world
of ours is ever to .be made better, we shall want
much less protesting and more "acting."

QUEER NEW YEAR CARDS.

t i> IEIL, i 'r 1

-7/
I .* &O/ r

I- ... .

-A '

i AU 'Z7

T Vt Shameful hoax oh' he Smithers's, who have no family.
irle, .i4 New Year's Day among Cremer's Toys.
-,'o1 .kSent by Mistake to a Good Templar. IN.B. Please
toe his indignant protest.

4. A Relic of the Good Old Times a Hamper of Lady Frump, that though SHE may call, nr --scraps .
Oysters! cabillaud, sauce aus huttres, ris de veau a la Dauphine,
5. New Year in Seven Dials-Last TRACT left at 10 p.m. chapons .a la Perigaux and cailles aus olves,-broken
6. A New Year's Gift.-Miss Nipper : Tell your mistress, victuals:are broken victuals-and an insult.!

FUNNY FOLKS.

FUNNY FOLKS.

EIGHTEEN SEVENTY-EIGHT.
Catch up the cards, and ply those little rakes
That drag in coin and notes with stretch so.
steady;
Come, make your game; produce your various
stakes,
Your dollars, doubloons, dimes, and maravedis.
The years are games devised by puzzling Fate-
He hides the rules, the obdurate concealer !-
But if we must play this new Seventy-Eight,
Old Time, this time, do be a better dealer !
That last round was a sell in divers ways-
Though maybe some have proved a trifle duller;
We don't mind dullness, but whoever plays,
Red shouldn't always be the winning colour.
So don't deal out so many warlike clubs,
Used unoffending peoples to belabour-
The politician Hoyle such pastime dubs
A weary round of beggaring my neighbour.
Let's have clean cards; last round the suits were
soiled
By fingers too much used to pulling triggers ;
The. diamonds were all paste; and if men toiled
With spades, it was most often as gravediggers.
. And eh, the frequent points, the honours rare!
The sly trumps slid up diplomatic ruffles !
And what a lot of shabby tricks there were
Won by peolice-court cards and double shuffles !
Now if you could byfsome means manage it,
Do let the honest players have an innings-
Men who don't care for finessing a bit,
And won't buy ships and Armstrongs with their
.winnings.
No matter what the game is, let us save
This year the stakes from cheat and money-
grubber;
And Seventy-Eight, oh pray don't let us have
With Russian hands that costly India rubber!

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1878.

A RE-ZOO-ME OF ADDITIONS
TO THE ZOO,
A Saker Falcon (Egypt).-Held Saker-ed in
the land of Khe-dive-rs other queer birds.
A pair of Axis Deer.-The very things to
"turn round on you if you tease 'em.
Three Carpet Snakes, whose motto is earpe dievi.
An Inconvenient Curason.--So inconvenient"
that it never knows what to do with itself.
An Imperial Eagle (from Turkey).-Not the
Russian variety, with two necks.
A Yellow Lored Amazon (Central Ameriba).-
Eh I How's this ? Oughtn't an Amazon of rank
to be a lady instead of a lored.
A pair of White Storks.-Most stoik-wardly
situated on top of their long legs.
Two Silver-bills (South America).-From the
Plate-river, probably.
A Hobby (captured at sea).-Whose ? Not
Erasmus Wilson's. Though East-enders do speak
of the capture of his hobby-lisk.

A BOLD PROJECT!

["The latest Turkish project Is to leave the road open
to Constantinople, convinced that one or more of the
Powers must, before the Russians reach it, interfere on
behalf of the Porte."-Vide Times.]

Bold! We should say so! I call it heroic-
Who ventured the doughty Osmanli to hiss ?-
In all thebrave ages pre-palceozoic
You won't find a grander example than this.
The person who fights for his hearthstone's a low
man;
You cross your stout arms and put up your keen
spears,

pTHE ofI NAR pAnd you tranquilly open your gates to the -feman,
E PAR L AME N R Y And you valiantly wait till some one interferes.
WINTER MEETING. It's a move that a Vauban or Todleben surely
THE REHEARSAL. Would own to be one which their science destroys;
Aud that says to get out of a struggle securely
(From our Specialby-admitted Correspondent.) Just wait till your neighbours are sick of the
Having revised the constitution in unimproved noise we may think, might be ust a bit
Turkish sense, her Majesty's Government are Some pla ns, we may think might be just a bit
determined to make the coming meeting of Parlia- But it's comforting very, we all pust allow,
meant thoroughly worthy even of Constantinople. To know, when the n oiseof one's whipping gets
Of course, as a preliminary measure, they have lo der-
increased the police force stationed in Palace-yard The people next door, come, must interfere now !
and at the peers' entrance; for we all know it is
part of a proper Turkish system of government *
that the Cabinet should be 'thoroughly unpopular CELEBRITIES OT H ME.
and go about in fear of its precious life. Then COSTUME CONTRETEMPS. CELEBRITIES NOT HOME.
the Bashi-Bazouks oc the Guards will be sent out Beau of the Old School (with no Idea of the Vagaries of Modern Fashion).-PADON ..
to forcibly collect war petitions in Bloomsbury ME; I WAS NOT AWARE THAT THIS WAS THE LADIES' DRzssnvG-RooMI gMarshal Man Maron receiLing.J r de la n c.e-
and the adjoining regions; and there will be bow- grarlations from the Left. ce -ar ..
strings ready on Westminster Bridge for whoever Earl Beacons ield at the ansio ouse.
defiles the tombs of his ancestors by reading the were going to found a Jerusalem Empire for not afraid-he liked it. We didn't want any. Mr. Gladstone in Epping. Tarest without 4.
Da yNews. In order that everything shall.go the chief; but wasn't sure. Vote the money, and What does-Europe matter, as long as we've got axe. :,
smoothly, the Cabinet have organized a full dress see. Jerusalem? But perhaps they had better go Mr. W..S. ianU t e. ~reen-zoo ..of the
rehearsal by limelight; and we (for we were After Lord Hartington and Mr. Gladstone had down to the other House, and hear Gathorne Royal H6dson %etre,'~~-A cre.
present) can assure our readers that this great both been expelled for attempting to protest, the, Hardy. He was the fellow who always cheered Mr. Whalley at the Vatican.
Transformation Scene of English Parliamentary Government consented to bear a war hymn (com- you up. He could prove, in the two-twos which Mr. Toole at the Globe-afte having "always
Government presented a very grand spectacle posed by Mr. Macdermott) and congratulatory about formed the totalof our army, that the Czar's come home to the Gale-tee."
indeed. ", tr -' ode, sung in chorus by the Conservative party, to legions were tin soldiers' to it, and Napoleon's Sir John Bennett out ofIthe Court of Alder-
The change was visible even at the doorways. the tune of "They Sha-ant haeave Con-stan-ti- armies Dutch dolls, men. I ,
Legislators used to straggle in in disorderly no-o-ople I" Lady Sangazul (who has no desire to be pilloried
freedom; now there are zaptiebs-we mean con- In the Lords, Derby appeared reprehensively Altogether the rehearsal was successful enough; in the World) to "those newn saper fellows."
stables-at every entrance, and it is their business shaky in his part, glancing nervously aside at but they say there may be some hitch in the per- Mr. John Ruskin in Political Economy.
to search all comers and see that they have no Beaconsfield while he announced that Ye-es, he foriance. Rev. A. Tooth in Little Betheldom.
petitions in favour of peace, The__ Laplanders at the
no extracts from Mr. Archi- Aq arium.
bald Forbes' correspondence, Te'Turkaim Europe.
and, above all, no post-card jI
from Mr. Gladstone, in their "
pockets. The deputies from .AI-- [TITEMS FROM
the Christian-we mean, theEGYPT
Liberal-districts may occa-EGYPT.
sionally be assaulted, just to Maso IIT- IA serious epidemic is
remind them of their natural raging at Ismalia. As this
inferiority; but a strict is due to the negligence of
watch must also be kept on the officials, it is to be hoped
the Mussulman--we mean, some of themwilll" catch it."
the Conservative--represen- ,. I.I
tatives ; for not a few of The Egyptian troops des-
them are suspected of being tined for the reinforcement
of the Turkish army are corn-
hasthim posed chiefly of blacks. They
They had not had time for are expected to come back
many rehearsals, so it was are-expaeted "ton oed bc
not surprising that some of Iba an"ned
the personages didn't seem to The Russians are preparing
settle down into their new to wipe off as many of these
parts as easily as they might blacks as possible. They
have done. Indeed, some of ol!!1 mean to have a rub for it.
them grew quite crusty over The son of the Khedive
their r lea, as Sir Wilfrid has taken the field. He will
Lawson said. For instance,. very likely take something
the Lord Chancellor didn't else as soon as he gets the
seem to like it a bit when chance.
Lord Beaconsfield snatched
the speech out of his hand, \ The Public Department
and remarking, "L'Etat, can't "meet" its expenses.
'et moi,"proceded to read This is a pretty "how d'ye
the triumphantly Turkish do.
message as follows : The fellaheen are a strictly
My Lords and Gentlemen, steady and sober- race of
A ridiculously old form says people, and never get intoxi-
that you are met for the dis- ---cated, even with success.
patch of business. You are They don't have the chance.'
not. You are met for the "
happy dispatch of the Russ. -There is still "conm in,
Our vizier's getting elderly, Egypt," though it is going
and wants a little illigant di- Z- -so fat that there'll be no-
varsion. He thinks a free- .thing but the "fast" left
fight would warm him up. -- before long.
I'm going to indulge him. It -
will cost a few hundred mil-
lions. Vote 'ea, and don't OBVIOUSLY A MISTAKE 8OMEWHERE. Cat-echism.
talk too much." ScENE-The Gates of the Woolwich Arsenal. The pantomimes at 0ovent
After the address--a nice Garden. and Drury Lane are,
slavish Eastern ong -- was.- "'t1ish-speaking Forigner.-No ADMITTANCP ? PARDON, M'SIE8yU, DERE HOST BE SOX ISTAKE. YouB VORKS IS we find on interrogating a
moved and seconded, Sir O-PN TO ALL ZE VORLD EXCEPT.YOUR OWN COUNTRYMEN, AND-PAROLE D'HONNEUR-I A NOT AN ENGLISHMANI Frenchman, by Mr. Pussi-
Stafford got up, and said be caught and Mr. Blanch-Chat
supposed' they were all agreed-or, if they'weren't, thought the ti-time had come for war. You see 'Berry" Much So,., respectively. Curious, is it not?
it was all the same-that all we had to do Lord Beaconsfield wanted it--and oh, what a They have in Victoria a Democratic Cabinet, HOW Happy
was to vote the money, and go home to bed. fellow he was to live with I" (" Hear, hear "from known from its premier's name as the Berry Could They e with
The Speaker was instructed to keep his left eye Lord Salisbury.) No, he couldn't say that Ministry. It is already called by the Opposition the EitherP
shut, and only catch the eyes of gentlemen sitting our army was quite too admirably perfect, you mul-Berry Ministry. No wonder the French sympathize With thel
on the war side of the House. He (Sir S.) didn't know. Bub-but he daresay it would do-if you Turks; for the former remember with what pangs
at all know what was to be done with the money; only gave it time, and weren't too rough with it. THE "PADDING" OF THE I[FRENOH MINISTRY. they left their Nancy, andecanappreciate thelatter's
that was Lord B.'s afair. He thought they As to Al-allies, he was afraid we had none. No, M. Wadding-ton. grief in having totear themselves from th ir Sophia.

I

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

THE LADIES OF THE PRESS.
[Miss Kate Field has been engaged on the staff of the
Times.]
Ah, well, we knew in time's own fulness
The thing at last would come to pass.
Let's take it with becoming coolness,
Nor groan Alack !" nor whine Alas !"
Strange whims and aims have long engross'd them :
They've done our work, they've donned our
dress ;
And now resignedly we toast them-
i The Ladies of the Press!
We seethe Gallery as it may be,
Filled by a flood of petticoats-
Repdrters who sometimes "take baby,"
And in the interval take .notes.
On first nights see them sit serenely
Appraising Byron's last success-
.ey'll criticise the bonnets keenly,
The Ladies of the Press !
O h, pleasant prophecy! There's Beauty
Wiring the odds from Epsom Downs;
Fair Specials in the East on duty,
In Watteau hats and tied-back gowns.
But what a chance for timid wooers!--
Achieve notorious success,
And then you'll have as interviewers
The Ladies of the Press !
Press men, salute with dipping banners
This latest conqueror of men,
-Who's whipped them in so many manners
On platform, stage, by tongue and pen.
Yet may one thought your envy sweeten,
One quip your humbled'soul redress :
We've won the Field, if we are beaten
By Ladies of the Press !

RAILWAY JOTTINGS.
Itis not generally known that the fluctuation in
the price of railway shares is owing to the in-
cessant ups and downs in the traffic.
It must be admitted that the conversation one
frequently hears inb third-class carriages is the very
reverse of "parliamentary."
One of the most important differences between
"schoolboys" and "railway trains" is that at
Christmas the former break up and the latter
almost invariably break down."
A railway shunter is said to resemble a back-
gammon player, because he is liable to be taken
up if his ",points are uncovered.
The washing arrangements of railway servants

AFTER THE CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES.
Mamma (who has ordered a pill in ja m) .-WELL, CECIL, AND DID You LIKE
THE NICE JAM NURSE GAVE YOU P r
Oecil.-YES, MAMMA, AND I WAS A GOOD BOY, AND ONLY SWALLOWED THE
FRUIT. I SPAT THE STONE OUT !

are very peculiar. Clothes must not be hung on PRINTING FROM GLASS.
the lines to dry. Yet moAt companies will do the
"mangling" gratuitously. They are going to cast printing-types in glass I
The fact that "perseverance overcomes all diffi- This is the latest application of glass, the use of
culties is not a sufficient reason for running which is now all the rage, so that it may be said
after the express. to be the glass of fashion which is to be run
Railway servants are not permitted to speak into "the mould of form" to attain this result.
disparagingly of their companies. Still, strangely One merit of glass type is that it is "light "-
enough we never remember to have heard of one a recommendation to persons who want to see to
being reprimanded for running down the line. read between the lines.

The names or some of the type will have to be
altered. Diamond, emerald, a~d ruby will do
very well, but must be supplemented by opal,
crystal, and so on; and, of course, all the type
will be kept in a glass case."
The Mir'or will naturally be among the first.
glass-as it is among the first-class-pnrts.
Printers will be commended for sober industry
in such equivocal phrases as "He is a man
who sticks to his glass," or You never see him
except glass in hand."
Of course, the type will be of toughened glass,
otherwise the fairest literary venture might at
any moment go to smash.

SCOTT'S NOVELS.
A NOVEL ARRANGEMENT, SUITABLE FOR ALL
READERS.
For the Irresolute-" Waver-ley."
For the Dishonest-" Rob Roy."
For Cautious Old Fogies-" The Antique-wary."
For the Touchy "-" Peveril of the Pique."
For Dog-Fanciers.-" Kennel-worth."
For Gardeners-"Ivan-hoe and Mont-rose."
For Musicians-" The Four.twnes of Nigel."
For "Little Niggers "-" The Black Dwarf."
For Essayists and Poets-" The Bride of Lamb-
or-Moore."
For Cabmen-" The Fare Maid of Perth."
For Sir Wilfrid Lawson-" St. Ronan's Well."
For Mr. Gladstone-" Wood-stock."
For Mr. Whalley-" The Abbot" and "Monas-
tery."
For H.H. Pius IX-" Old Mortality."
For Mr. Darwin-" Tails of a Grandfather."

What I Abel, Too?
Mr. Abel has been awarded a medal for perfecting
guncotton and other murderous agencies. Really,
now We should have rather expected to hear it
had been Mr. Cain.
Ultra-plain Dealing.
Several of our contemporaries praise the French
Ministry for "showing a firm hand in dealing with
their predecessors," &c. Surely this is a mistake ;
whatever maybe the" hand you have, to "show'
it whilst "dealing" is one of the most simple and
inexcusable of blunders. We would advise M.
Dufaure's Government, then, either to hide its
hand or let some one deallforlit.

THE REIGN OF KING LOG.-Consule Plank.o.

FEATS OF THE
TW WnmoI: 3 OB a2 MI WXI.Xi

FORTHCOMING YEAR.
Tra-r coCr".TSIOws "WIT- "mr 03W Mr'sor.sE.

1. H.EH. the Prince of Wales will attend any number of 4. Dean Stanley outruns all enthusiasts in asking ques. s A D i uhed M.P. will demonstrate the law of.re-
banqts in any ntime --'en s slstauce missiles

post-card writer, of Commons out for the glory of thesr country.
3. Lord Beaconsfield defies being roused from slumber. of Commons out for the glory of their country.

FUNNY FOLKS.

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 1878.

PEATH AND THE SERGEANT.

COURT of Justice,
to vigilant eyes,
S i \ Tha heartiest
S \ measure of
S\ "lark" supplies;
SI Such fun in its
0 -forms, so grand
\. its pretence,
So jolly each out-
:rage on common-
sense,
And the total procedure
to quaint and odd,
With results as un-
certain as Lommy
Dodd."
Buqt the jolliest fooling
surely is seen
SWhen Comical Cox
sits at Clerkenwell
Green.
.Comical Cox had to deal t'other dayy
With a thief who a joint lm 0 stolen away,
And a friend of the thief's, to whom facts, point
As helping. to. carry home the joint.
Against the friend, whose name was Death,
In fonrte.n years there nwa a. -t a breath;
And the jur-, were Itiu,:k vwitb his honest mien,
But not Comical Cox, of the Clerkenwell Green.
Comical Cdx held Death' was the worst
And when.into protest- Counsel burst,
And talked of appeal to a higher court,
The Serjeant's demeanour was "high old sport;"
After that insult his mercy fled,
And the Serjeant thence against Death was dead.
So Vivat folly !. God save the Queen!I
-And Comical- Cox down at Clerkenwell Green I

BOVINE POETRY.
Prize .oxe.n have hitherto been written-up by
prosaic p'ens, but no*w; according to the Tines,
"'the ainimalh are more fortunate than their an-
cet ori 'in that tlhey have their poets, their eulo-
gists, with a 'language of their own." To, give
force iq ,rhse words the gentleman who did the
.recent Cattle Show for the Thunderer kindly gave
us a few examples. For instance, 4 la Walt
Whitman:
"In broadside view
This exceedingly grand heifer is a perfect rectangle-
There is a true line from crown to tail, and one
From brisket point to udder;
She is equally deep
At both ends,
All good meat down to her hocks,
And in cross section, so to speak, she fills out just
as well.
If
She is great in girth, she is heavy also in flank,
And has
Extraordinary rounds and twist."
In every sense has this poet a "language of his
Sown ;" but may we be pardoned if we describe it
as somewhat cattle-yptic ?

PATERFAMILIAS'S DIARY.
WEDNESDAY.-Called at stores with list. Place
crowded. Very much humbugged. Promised wife to
get a new perambulator. Raced to Euston-road and
back for the purpose. No time for dinner, having to
take children to Polytechnic. Tom got his finger
jammed in a machine for cracking nuts. Chemist.
Saw them into the train, and then went with Joges
to see Our Boys. Found doctor's bill when I got
home. Didn't tell wife I'd been to theatre. Fifty
tradesmen's circulars.
THURSDAY.-Stores again. More humbug. Met
a man from Manchester. Wanted to see Our
Boys, Promised to take him. Wife gone to buy
new dresses for the girls. Said I'd meet her.
Couldn't. Went to Our Boys and got home late.
Found hills for the cracked boiler and the fountain
I had made in the garden in the summer. Hundred
and twenty-five tradesmen's circulars.
FRIDAY.-Wife said she'd like to see Our Boys.
Didn't say I'd seen it twice. Coals out; always the
case when they rise in price. Stores ; wasted fully an
hour in waiting. Leadenhall Market. Turkeys for
Christmas presents. Dearer than ever. Took wife to
Our Boys. Getting rather tired of it. Home.
Found Tom had smashed best looking-glass. Bills
for schooling, gas, and water-rate. Two hundred
tradesmen's circulars.
SATURDAY.-Had a letter from Aunt Jane.
Coming for a day in town, and wants to see Our
Boys. Confound the play. Children bothering
for new toys. Stores again, two more hours wasted.
Early tea at home with Aunt Jane; and then to Our
Boys. Back seats in uppr boxes. Couldn't see nor
hear. No matter, I didn't want to do either.
Tailor's bill. Income tax. Two hundred and fifty
tradesmen's circulars. Thank heaven, to-morrow's
Sunday. No bills, no circulars, no stores, and no
Our Boys.

A NIGHT OF TERROR;
OR,
ONE OF THE HILLS THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO.

ACT I.
SCENE-Richmond, or somewhere.of that sort. Enter a
lot of YouNG LADIES.
YOUNG LADIES. We are the pets of the Folly"
burlesques and bouffes. Alas, that we should have
to hide our comeliness beneath the skirts of every-
day life !
Enter MR. PHILIP DAY and MIss VIOLET CAMERON.
DAY. I am to be married immediately. [ Exit.
VIOLET CAMERON. And not to me! Then, I
will work mischief with a locksmith.
Enter KATE MUNROE.
KATE MuNRon. So will I. But, in the mean-
time, I should like to know why you shine in light-
coloured raiment ?
VIOLET CAMERON. Beeases I am described in
the bill as a young widow," dear.

in burglary is, for the present, the Lay of this
chicken! [ They liberate Mr.Day from cupboard.
DAY. I guggle for the lack of air! [Guggles.
Enter KATE MUNROE.
KATE MUNROE. My husband, Mr. Howson, who
is jealousy itself, is at hand. Hide yourselves, all!
[They hide.
Enter HowSON.
DAY. I am writhing and roasting in front of the
fire, behind a screen. The Notary is outside on the
balcony, while it rains cats and dogs; and Mr. Hill,
who is secreted behind a curtain, is drinking a
powerful sleeping-draught, in the belief that it is
rum-shrub. All this is, of course, screamingly
amusing.
HOWSON. In order that you may have larks with
Mr. Hill while he is insensible, I will leave the
room.
[Does so. They drag out Mr. Hill and hide
hi* m under the ta ble.
KATE MUNROE. Oh, isn't Hill in perspective,
with his feet to the fo-otights, imlte too awfully
funny!

ANY PORT-AND-A STORM,
-(A REMINISCENCE OF THE FESTIVE SEASON.)

1. Old Rubynose. expecting a friend,
digs up a brace of his Comet port-
perfect pictures in cobweb and -dust of
ages.

2. With infinite satisfaction he rings
for Bridget, his Milesian maid, and en-
trusts them to her care, with a homily
on their virtues.

3. Bridget: What have I done wid 'em ? Sure' an' wasn't I ashamed to see
the filth on 'em onfit for the likes o' yer honour's table. And I couldn't wash the
dirt off, and hadn't time to schrape 'em, so I popped 'em into the pot, and sure if
they haven't boiled out bright as new pins!

KATE MUNROE. Ah! it is because I am not a
widow that I wear black satin and bugles.
Enter MR. HILL (as Chubbley, a locksmith).
MR. HILL (to audience). Observe my beefy jo;Wl,
and my protuberant stomach. List also to my
apoplectic grumblings!
AUDIENCE. We do, and are constrained to laugh
consumedly.
KATE MUNBOE. Go and burgle, please, Mr. Hill.
I want you to release that Day, who is by this time
locked up in a cupboard in in my drawing-room.
VIOLET CAMERON. And while you are about it,
see if you can get possession of a packet of letters
giving me a hold on Mr. Day. Will you ?
MR. HILL. Ladies, your servant. [Exit to burgle.

ACT II.
ScENE-At Miss Munroe's. Enter MR. HILL.
MR. HILL. I am burgling with my feet tied up
in dinner-napkins. This cupboard-door is obviously
ajar, but I will pretend to have the greatest diffi-
culty in opening it.
Enter a Creole" NoTA.RY.
NOTARY.-Here is the key, Mr. Hill. Assisting

DAY. He is, indeed; but let us pile up the
humour by wheeling him about in an arm-chair.
NOTARY. And then we can take him along the
balcony, and put him in Violet Cameron's rooms
next door. She is having a ball, so we must dress
him as a guest.
[Grand Tableau. The Triumph of Genteel Olowning

ACT III.
SCENE.-Violet Cameron's. Enter GUESTS.
GUESTS. We quadrille for pure joy, because Mr.
Hill is being made to look even more ridiculous than
he has done hitherto.
[Dance and off. ,Mr. Hill, in evening dress, is
pushed in sideways (still insensible) in arm-
chair. Arm-chair creaks--groans-breales
down-at least it did on first night. It is
probable that Mr. Henderson will find this
business" rather expensive in the long run:
for the chair is not built which will support
Mr. Hill when he altlws himself to become a
dead weight.
DAY. Let us pose him as the wearied reveller.
[They pose him, and exeunt.
MR. HILL (waking). I will drink sherry, and
wonder how I came here.

Enter MR. HOWSO. '
HOWSON. I am furiously jealous of you all of a
sudden; so it is only fitting that I should hunt you
about in somebody else's house with a riding whip.
[Mr. Hill is chased, round. he room, out of the
door, down to the kitchen, up to the attics, and
finally out of the window, leaving his trousers
in the hands of the enemy.
MOTHER (in stalls). Really! 1 think we bhd
better go, my dear, before he returns!
DAUGHTER. Oh, no, mamma See! Mr. Hill has
kilted himself with a tablecloth Isn't he delicious ?
MOTHER. Well, at any rate, he is quite as respect-
able as the average Highlander.
Enter EVERY ONE.
HowsoN. Hill reduced to drawers and tablecloth!
Then I spare him.
MR. HILL. "Bless you !
VIOLET CAMERON. As I have somehow contrived
to get hold of those letters, I can compel Mr. Day
to marry me. I
DAY. Under those circumstances, dearest, I a
yours i
COnTAIN.
[NoTE.-Our dramatic summary writer informs
us that the plot of A Night of Terror was so fear.
fully intricate, that the above is the nearest he
could come to it, though he entirely spoilt his
Christmas trying vainly to recollect it. He adds
that, in his opinion, Mr. Henderson, ever on the
watch for seasonable novelty, has secured a first-
class West-end pantomime in Messrs. Wyndham
and Matthison's work, and a capital clown in Mr.
Hill. The ".'rally" in the last act is superb.-
ED. F. F.]P.]

MEMENTOES OF. CHRISTMAS.
The Rev. A. Dorner, curate of St. Tittyvatre's, has
a large quantity of decaying vegetable matter of
the evergreen species on his hands.
, Little Flutter has a discolored eye; brought on
by kissing Miss Fightingweight beneath the
mistletoe.
Tootle Smith has a terrific influenza. He went in
for amateur Wait "-ing.
Clum C. Fellow has his left hand done up in
hospital bandages. He would -attempt to carve
that turkey.' .
Neddy Neverfunk treasures up a lock f.-hair.
He got it from another gallery'boy on Boxihg-night.
T. Ipple has a blue nose. It was red until quite
recently, but seasonable positions altered its hue.

Telephonic.
Professor Bell and others interested in the propa-
gation of sound by means of electricity, may now
take encouragement from the following anagram-
"Telephones "-" Nestle Hope."

An Alluvial Allusion.
Our sporting contemporaries frequently publish a
heading to this effect : "The State of the Rivers."
But surely streams belong to a country rather than
a country to its streams, and "The Rivers of the
State would be a more appropriate way of putting
it.

CORRESPONDENCE.
** Contributions are sent at authors' or artist' own risk.
the Editor wlllnot be responsible for them. or undertake to
return them.
MR. O'BULL.-Ann O'Domini was an Irish lady.
HARD-TP.-You may "throw yourself on the parish,"
but take care you don't break any bones over it.
STOKER.-Every locomotive engine should be at-
tached to a" legal tender."
SIn JASPER.-If your tenant has not paid any rent for
sixteen years, you may legally remonstrate with him.
C. H. C0*LLTTE.-Buwdier's purified Shakespeare was
published by Virtue.
AUNTIE T. draws attention to the fact that a lady
doctor was recently tried for some offencn the n north of
England. Now, se asks, why did the'papers call her
a "Charlotte Ann ?"

EVERYBODY HIS OWN PRINTED, .
The want long felt for a simple and effective Printing Press
with which everybody can easily print and produce good work
has been supplied by the Newly-Patented
SMLM"-IXMTICIT G-
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Which can be worked by a child of ten years.
PRESS, INCLUDING TYPE AND ALL ACCESSORIES, FROM 5.
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C. Gr. SQUINTANI & Co.,
18B, LIVERPOOL STREET, LONDON, E.C.
Send for an Ilustrated Pamphlet "How to Print," containing an
abridged History of the Art of Printing, Instructions In Printing,
General Catalogue of Printing Materials, nuseim-ns of Type, fo., post
free seven stamps.

COUGHS, COLDS, ASTHMA, BRONCHITIS AND NEURALGIA.
DR. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S CHLORODYNE.
A few doses quite effectual. OAUTIroN.-The extraordinary medical reports of the efficacy of Chlorodyne render
It of vital importance that the public should obtain the genuine which is protected by a Government stamp, bearing
the words "Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne." See decision of Vice-Ohancellor Sir W. Page Wood, the P2tes,
July 16th, 1864. Numerous testimonials from eminent Physicians accompany each bottle.
From W.0.WxNmeso, EsqP F..CS palding. "I oonsiderIt invaluable n Phthisis and Spasmodi Oough-the beneft l
marked indeed." From ,Dr. 4B.'Lae.A, of New Galloway, Scotland.-" I consider it the most valuable medltne Rknown."
Bold In bottles. Is. lid., Is. 9d, and 4s. Sd. by all Chemists. Sole Munufacturer. J. T. DAVENPORT. 88. Great Russell Street. London, W.O.

5a TO W00 on Personal eouPr it; also
'9 upon Deeds, Life Policies, Shares, Warrant,
Plate, Jewellery, Furniture, to., with and without
Sureties. repayable by instalmente or otherwise, for
terms of from one month to three years. Forms gratin,
Bills discounted. Offices, open daily, 71, Flaet-streeti
B.O., and 8, Pullen's-row, .tigh-street, near Duncan.
street, Islington.
W. M.' READ, Manager.
Established 1888.
More Oures of Consumption, Coughs,.
Asthma, and Diseases of the Chest and
iLungs, by

From Mr. Morris,!187, West Derby Road, Liverpool:
"During many trying winters much human life 'has bon
rendered free from misery and pain; iand many, saved from,
suffering, will never forget Dr. LOCOCK's Wnafers.' .
Sold by all Druggists at 1s. lid. per box.

GOUT AND RHEUMATISM.
-'1;
The excruciating pain of gout or rheumatism.
Is quickly relieved and'oured' in a few days by
that celebrated medicine,
BX.AIR' M
GOUT AND RHEUMATIC PILLS.
They require no restraint of diet during their
use, and are certain to prevent the disease attack*-
ing any vital part.
Sold by all Chemisa, at Is. lid. and a 4. K
per box.

The most Delicious & Efficacious Dentifrice known.
gold by all Druggists and Perfumers.

TRADE MARK

PATENT

CORN FLOUR
HAS ALL THE PROPERTIES
Of the
FINEST ARROWROOT,
And is Recommended for
&S YARDS. PUDDINGS, BLANC-MANGE,
And other Table Delicacies.
Also for
THICKENING SOUPS, SAUCES, AND
BEEF TEA.

NEURALINE gives instant relief in
tiedouloureux, neuralgia, sciatica, toothache,
rheumatism, gout, and all nerve and local pains.-Mr.
Edgar, Butt Lighthouse, island of Lewis, writing to Sir
James Matheson: "Mrs. Edgar cannot express her
thanks to Lady Matheson for the Neuraline. It proved
the mcet successful remedy she had ever applied. The
relef was almost instantaneous." LEATH and ROSS,
Homoeopathic Chemists, 5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9,
Vere-streot, W. All Chemists, Is. lid. and Is. 0d.; by
Peets. Id. and 8.
DTEAB VANITY.-I will begin my
this week by singing the praises of a medi-
cine which has the valuable property of curing what
all the'world is suffering from at this season more or
leas-namely, a cold in thehebead. It is called "Giyka-
tlne," three drops of whish taken at Intervals of an
hour will Infallibly do away with the most obstinate of
coldas-" Talon Rouge," Vanity Fair, March 17, 1877.-
Glykaline promptly cures colds, coughs and all dis-
orders of the mucous membrane. LEATH and ROSS,
5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9, Vere-street, W. All
Ohemists; is. lid. and 3s. 9d.; by Post, Is. 3d. and Sa.

The only CRAPES which
REALLY WILL NOT
SPOT WITH RAIN,
are stamped RAIN-PROOF, and
i a GUARANTEE is attached
to EVERY PIECE.

IF YOU HAVE AN ACHE, PAIN, SWELLING,
OUT, BRUISE. REPORT TO TH U6 OFW se TfR"PONDS
BURN, SPRAIN, may be had of all
SORE or WOUND; chemists, In lid
if you are afficted 2s.td, 4s. d( fta 64.
with NEURALGIA, bottles (the larger
RHEUMATIS Mrelatively heapr).
Gc PV INSR. remedy Is widely
SORE THROAT, 0 AUL PAINrl acknowledged by
CATARRH, SOREPhBilc3 hemit.
EYES or with any '7' L1a the pU
HEMfRRHAGE, or STpB0ISHM aTEM .more mar-
other analogous con- vellous curative
edition of the esh DROT 482, OXIORD BTREET, LONDON power thananyy oom-
and Veins, whether AND AT NaW YOR; paneor
resort at once to A" A 6MB OWBY AMO M ever.

TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE SIGHTS.
Lady Jones.-AND so You WENT TO VIx CE ? SAW ALL IBE EIOBIS- ST.
MARK'S AND THE LIONS ?
Mrs. Grammer.-OH, YES, THE DEAR OLD LIONs! WE WEBE MOST YORTUNATE
THE DAY WE WERE TREEE. ARRIVED JUST IN TIME TO SEE THE NOBLE
CREATURES FED! .

POULTICE
(Paimnted)
12 EXEMPT FROM ALL THE
INOONVENIENOEB
iUNWrAKABLU FROM OULT-IOS MADI WITr
LINSEED OR BREAD.
These spoil the linen, bedding, Sc., dry agon the
eaes, rapidly ferment, giminga most unplea
odour, and no dependence en be placed on the
quality and fresnes of the linseed meel.
TRIS NEW POULTICE IS
1 Wa TA. NWTA.ZI3OT 0
-. ."a
IT 18 BEADY DI A FEW SECOND.

The reason why so man are unable to take Gooo, is thqt,the varieties commonly
sold are mixed with Stareh, under the ples of rendering thom soluble; while really
making them thick, heaSv, and issMtWs. This may be emsly detected, for i Owod
thickens in the cup U proves uWiaen of tarch. W oDhY'S Cooa Esosence is
genuine; It is therefore three times the strength of these Cdooa, and a retrshing
Beverage like Tea or Ooftee.

S [ET another week will
elapse before the
Winter Sitting of
Parliament, and
naturally "the
isle is full of
strange
noises" as
P to the cause
of the early
t mee tinhsg.
Has the

surprise for
the nation--
for he seems
t-. to have
S abandoned
legislation
by epigram for legislation by surprise---or is the
step necessitated by the critical state of affairs on
the Continent ? These do not bear an absolutely
rosy aspect. There seems to prevail some suspicion
as to the grounds on which we have been playing
the part of mediators, and an idea that in-
stead of being asked to play the part of Queen's
Proctor, who is always ready to intervenene" we
rather volunteered to enact the part. We have
played so unsuccessfully that Russia has virtually
met us with the terms familiar in advertisements,
None but principals treated with." A few days
will suffice to show us our real position, which
may not be so ugly in aspect as the Russophile
thinks, or so satisfactory as the Turcophile is fain
to believe.
The Emperor of Austria has decorated'an
actress, Charlotte Woltez. He sent her a gold
cross of merit, surmounted by the crown, which I
suppose she will wear in parts in which she appears
in drapery enough to pin it to. Such a decoration
would be terribly embarrassing to some of our nude
burlesque actresses--unless it were hung from a
string round the neck.
The merry little Echo speaks out wisely and
well on executions for capital crimes. It hopes
sheriffs may be elected in the City who will
neither hang nor pay a fine for not doing society's
dirty work. This would help to bring to an end
the farce of "capital punishment," which is fairly
played out. Since the finding of juries and
sentences of judges can be set aside by influence
or money, and the caprice of a gentleman in
Downing-street overrides the operations of the
law, the gallows has seen its day. It is hardly
worth while to retain it for putting out of the
world a few penniless wretches, who have neither
means for securing a fair trial, nor the friends to
induce Mr. Cross to set aside the inevitable verdict
of "Guilty."
The Castillo n lastica, or indiarubber plant
has jusit been successfully acclimatized (from
Brazil) to its own native India The experi-
ment,,from the first was- so successful that the
seeds geried almost immediately they were put
into the ground, and grew at the rate of several
inches a day, arriving at maturity in about a
couple of months. The statement of this remark-
able celerity of growth on the part of the india-
rubber plant must not be regarded as a "stretcher.'
The Parisians had lately a veritable London
fog-un rai' brouillard de otage aux pois-
which so bepuzzled a writer in' the Figaro, that
he styled it "one of the Plagues of Egypt, a dark-
ness which did not shed 'light on the political
crisis, alas I" A fog which did possess the
illuminative characteristics he suggests would
indeed be a novelty, and draw a mob in the Great
Exhibition.,
There is to be a new theatre at Clapbam. The
architect, Mr. Jethro Robinson, who, affair
observes, seems to design all theatres now, and
by an odd coincidence, likewise inspects them
officially for the Lord Chamberlain." What a
happy arrangement I The architect the inspector
of his own work I It only wants the Lord
Chamberlain to appoint some one of the few
authors who seem to write all the plays now as
license of plays, and the guarantee for the
theatres and the pieces being all that the public
can desire would be complete.
They do odd things in New York, and the
changes of fashion are rapid everywhere ; but I do
not believe this--on dit, that a New York barber
has already accumulated a fortune. He has been
making ladies' wigs, parti-blonde and black, so
that the wearer has only to sidle into a reception-
room fair or dark, according to the fashion which
happens to prevail that day.
According to a Dublin paper, "The annual
Christmas feast this year has been more than
ordinarily celebrated in this workhouse, the
inmates beihg served with a most delicious dinner,
at which the vslat of the town were present,
including the clergy, coroner, and the relieving
officers. They had also breakfast of tea, with
butter, and supper, on Christmas Eve, of tea,
with butter. All seemed happy, and youth
seemed to' enter the palsied frames of the aged
inmates..', Notwithstanding the master's recent
illness, a good deal is due to his individual
exertions." The reporter is quite right in saying
that the celebration was "more than ordinary,"
for it was undoubtedly extraordinary.
A contemporary states that "the steamer
Assyrian has just arrived with a number of
young Japanese, members of good families. The
object of their visit is that they may study murisic
in Ita'ly." It does not immediately appear how
their visit to England will assist them in studying
music in Italy. The proceeding certainly seems
more Irish than Japanese.
Fashion has adapted the invitations to parties
to meet most requirements, but there is one in
whichh they fail. People would often "accept"

where they decline if they had only a notion of
the people they were likely to meet. But how is
this to be conveyed? You cannot put in the
coiner of your invitation, "To meet the Blodgers."
This difficulty was got over this season by an in-
genious ruse. A lady in putting the formal notes
into the envelopes took care to insert the wrong
one to every person, so that when, say, the Smiths
got their invitation they naturally said, "Oh,
here's the Browns' invitation put in by mistake.
Well, at all events, they are expected, and we may
as well go and meet them." It need only be said
that when Edwin got the enclosure intended for
Angelina, as he supposed, he did not decline. And
so the game played all round.
The Church always "moves in a mysterious
way," and some of its proceedings are terribly
hard to reconcile to religion or 'even common
justice. For example, it is stated that the Crown
living of Barcombe, in Sussex,.is worth :719 per
annum, and has a population of 1,006. During
the last quarter of a century, in the absence of the
rector, the Rev. A. Allen has been the curate in
charge of the parish. When the living became
vacant there were some sanguine people who en-
tertained a notion that Mr. Allen had some right
to expect that he might step into the shoes of the
late rector, whose duties he had faithfully per-
formed for nearly a quarter of a century. The
living, however, has been conferred upon Canon
Garbett, of Surbiton, and Mr. Allen has been sent
to the rightabout, taking with him, in addition
to a testimonial, the best wishes of his late
parishioners. Canon Garbett may be an excellent
man, but isn't it rather hard upon the curate who
has been in charge for a quarter of a century ?
Lord Cairns should make a note of this example
of virtue rewarded.

THE

DISTRESS IN SOUTH
WALES.

ABERDARE, JAN. 3, 1878.
"Yes, sir, we're all alone in here-
There's Jack, and me, and Jane-
Our mother's gone to look for bread,
All in this sleet and rain;
And oh, I hope it won't be long
Before she comes again !
"No, I am not very frightened, sir-
We're used to be alone-
But it's 'long o' baby I'm afear'd,
For worse and worse he's grown ;
Since mother went he's never moved,
Nor never stopt that moan.
"Is he hungry ?-Well, sir, yesterday
We never 'ad no bread;
And even me this morning sir,
Could scarce lift up my head;
But baby was so white and cold,
We thought he must be dead!
"I know what death means P-Oh, sir, )yes,
For Fan died Christmas Day,
And she was, oh so big and strong
Before she pined away.
She died by inches, though, at last,
I heard the neighbours say.
"And baby looked like Fanny did :
'Twas that made another go;
Though she could scarcely stand upright,
The wind so cold did blow.
Yes, Jacky, mother's coming soon--
'Tis his head, sir, pains him so.
"That bit ofhollyP-Ah, sir, Fan,
She couldn't seem to rest,
'Till we hung it up afore her eyes,
Then 'er mother's hand she prest,
And whispered,' Mother, when I go,
Do lay it on my breast!'
"She died before the sun went down,
We were most too weak to cry!
And then the pretty bells rang out,
I asked my mother why ?
'Twas for Merry Christmas,' so she said;
But I know she longed to die!
"I saw Fan in my dream last night,
And she beckoned to me, sir;
And if it isn't very wrong,
I should like to go to her!
But listen, sir-the moan has stopped,
And the baby doesn't stir!
"Oh, mother-mother do come back,
And I'll go out instead;
Come, darling mother, come to us!-
Oh, sir, do get us bread!
Ah, there she is! Oh, mother, quick,
I think poor baby's dead !"

TEMPLE BARBARITI ES.

Apropos to the case of the watchman who was
caught chipping the stones he was paid to pro-
tect from the chipper-quis eustodiet custodies-
we may mention as a curious fact that the quan-
tity of stony relies of Temple Bar already in the
possession of eager relic-hunters would suffice, if
collected, to build up Temple Bar twice over.
Indeed, so glutted is the market with specimens
of this spurious masonry, that any one possessed
of fourpence may secure a purported relic
of Wren's Gateway; whilst we hear that a
spirited grocer in South Lambeth intends, pre-
senting all customers buying a pound of tea on
Twelfth Day with a glass sugar-basin and a piece
of Temple Bar as a bonus. In the face of the
demand thus created, it is not strange that all the
houses in course of demolition in London have to
be carefully watched. Meanwhile it is curious to
note as a token of how hard the old. Bar is
dying, that it is turning black in the face, though
not blacker, certainly, than it is painted.

A Sheepish Notion.
The quantity, of wool to be seen on a pricket
hedge shows that a sheep is a deeper animal than
some would make it out. Thus, it has sense enough
to know that, in case it wishes to be relieved of a
portion of its fleece, the best medium to thin it"
is a "thicket."

MIDHAT INTERVIEWED.
[By OUR UN raACIous REPORTER.]
Deep, sir, deep is Midhat Pasha. When I
learned that he was in London, I at once sought
him out,in the sincere belief that I should worm
from him the secrets of empires, the intrigues of
courts, and the hidden workings of Premiers.
Did I succeed inmy mission ? Read, sir, and judge
for yourself :
YOUR UNVERACIOUS. Mighty Pasha I grovel
before thee on the knees of self-abasement, and
bump the forehead of bashfulness on the floor of
humility I
MIDHAT. Then don't; you might hurt your-
self.
YOUR UNYERACIOUS. I thank your Excellency
for your consideration. May I ask a question ?
What does your Excellency think of the situation
in the East ?
MIDHAT. In'm 'opinion, the remuneration is
far greater in situations in the West, and the
perquisites incomparably more valuable. Bis-
millah! I have heard that an efficient general
servant receives but eight pounds per year in the
Mile End-road.
YOUR UNVERACIOUS. Your Excellency does
not apprehend me.
MIDHAT. No ; I leave that to Scotland Yard.
.YOUR UNVERACIOUS. He I he I-or rather, in
deference to your rank, ha ha I-I suppose, on
arriving here, your Excellency posted at once to
Lord Beaconsfield ?
MIDHAT. No; I did not trust to a letter. I
went myself.
YOUR UNVERACIOUS. You wished to
convey-
MIDHAT. My letter ? No, I tell you I didn't
send one.
YOUR UNVERACIOUS. At any rate, you spoke
with the Premier. (.Mysteriously.) Did he-did
he say anything about you know hiat ?
MIDHAT (winhiing). Una Watt? Oh, fie I
Our conversation was not of women, you sly dog !
YOUR UNVERACIOUS. Oh, your Excellency, I
would not have you think--
MIDHAT. Well, .the physicians declare that it
is bad for me. But a man in my position must
use his head, don't you know ?
YOUR UnVERACIOUS. I merely wished to in-
quire of you if Prince 'Gortschakoff's answer to
the Dispatch--
MIDHAT. What I Has your Radical weekly
fallen foul of the Prince ? First it made it hot
for the City Guilds; then it tackled Scotland
Yard; and now it goes for Gortschakoff I Mar-
vellous audacity I
YOUR UNRTERAC ous (in despair). Well, per-
haps I had better go-
MIDoHAT. Really? Well, you know best.
Good morning, my dear sir I
And I was shown out, sir-Your Unveracious
was ushered to the door by a gilded menial. If
Midhat had only given me time to complete my
last sentence, I should have said-" Mn to speal51
of Austria;" but 'twas not to be 1

A MAGISTERIAL EBGGS--
HIBITION.
At the Richmond Petty Sessions-pettier than
usual this 'time, we should think-a dressmaker
hasrbeen sentenced to seven days' imprisonment
for stealing an egg, valued by its proprietor, who,
we daresay, .was not an impartial judge of its
worth, at three-halfpence. If this was not ora-
rating the offence, we do not see eggsactly what it.
was. Popular feeling is in the dressmaker's
favour; and it must be remembered that, even if
she did take it, she was "egged," on by some
promptings of kleptomania. Besides, .aking eggs
is a recognized amusement in these islands.: And
supposing the charge not to have been like the
egg, hatched-up, if the egg was a newly laid one,
surely it rested with the prosecution to show-" What
was the odds 1"

WOE TO THE WOODMAN!
OR THE .MACHINE AGE.
The woodecitter is doomed I Not Mr. Glad-
stone. Nor is he going to turn against another
old friend, as he did in the case of the Irish Church,
and disestablish. and disendow him. No, it is
another triumph of invention, before which the
woodman; as well as his trees, is to fall.
The largest trunks are henceforth to be felled
by means of a platinum wire uniting the two
poles of a galvanic battery ; and this wire, heated
to a white heat and stretched against the tree,.is
to cut through it like a sharp knife through
cheese.
This, moreover, is but one of a series of similar
inventions.
For instance, early this year a galvanic
apparatus for extracting the milk from a dairy of
cows simultaneously, without the intervention of a
milkmaid, will be patented.
In fact, the machinery-room will soon be the
most important feature in the modern farmhouse.
Here the yeoman of the .immediate future will sit
and direct the whole of the work of his farm by
pulling a few levers, turning a few taps, and
pressing a series of electric buttons.
Thus, by pulling Lever A, for example, the,
steam ploughing machinery .is set in motion,
whilst immediately after, warned by a telephonic
message that the birds are at the corn in the Six-
Acre Piece, the farmer touches Knob-No. 3, and.
at once sets a fog-horn at ,work in ,the attacked
field.
A turning of Tap 0C sets the Automatic Egg-
compeller at work, and instantly every hen in the
farm-yard commences laying for its life, till in
mercy the irresistible compeller is set at rest again.
Another pull at Lever B this time, and enough
trees to provide timber for the projected new barn
fall crashing to the ground.
But the yeoman bethinks him that his fat stock
must be hungry, and pressing a pedal with his
foot, he knows by the -chorus of grunts, of
bohows, and moos that the Patent Pneumatic

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 12, 1878.

Cattle and Pig Feeder is forcing half a bucketful
of fattening broth dawn each bovine and porcine
throat.
Just now a telegram by the farmer's special
wire from town tells him that wool is up, and
t seizing Crank No. 4, he works it for, some five
n minutes, knowing that at every turn a sheep
f is driven into the Patent Rotary. Fleecing
Machine, and coming out completely- shorn the
other end, whilst the wool, pressed and packed in
a sack, is shot into a truck, which will run when
full along the tramway to the railroad.
That task over, he sets the thrashing machine at
f work, and availing himself of a burst of sunshine,
cuts and makes a rick of hay by the pressing of
two buttons; then concentrating the range on his
strawberry-bed by the turning of a tap, he ripens
enough for his'dinner, which a few minutes later
he cooks by electricity, and has brought him by a
hydraulic lift. [Left dining.

HOW TO SPEND YOUR
HOLIDAYS.
(FROM VARIOUS POINTS OF VIEW.)
These blessed moments of peace and rest,
could they be spent better than in furthering the
charitable efforts of the Indigent Hurdy-Gurdy
Boys' Society, and visiting the Exhibition of those
harmonious Helvetian instruments, at the rooms
of the society, Ball's Pond ?-Hon. Sec., I.H.G.B.
This is an opportunity that occurs only once a
year for visiting your inner consciousness, and
seeing whether you have been as constant as you
might be in your attendance at benevolent tea-
parties. Also put more frequently in the plate.
It's a good way of spending your holidays ; and
the other part of the spending your pastor will do,
do-Jeremiah Chadband, minister unattached.
Well, perhaps, the best way is to start fresh
again at the new year (having got over your
Christmas enjoyment), and go down to the Hare
and Hounds with the fellows, and lose a few
pounds at billiards, you know. Then a little
tossing for champagne would bring you through
the afternoon; while, as to the evening, what can
a fellow do but drop in at the Halambrar, and have
a few fights on his way home. Rest of the holidays
ought to be managed in the same way; and about
Easter you will probably have a nice floating, or
rather sunken, or rather drunken debt, and feel
quite fit for work again.-A Member of the
Rollicking Buffaloes.
A little trip to Woqlwich and a prolonged con-
templation of the latest offensive weapons of an
historic people would probably contribute to raise
in the breast of the holiday-makers those senti-
ments of bloodthirsty imbecility and Daily
Telegraphio bunkum that are so appropriate to a
season of general goodwill andinnocent merriment.
-Society JTournal. .
Come and see us.-Theatrical Managers of the
Metropolis. "

THE SPIRIT AND NOT THE
LETTER.
The Daily Telegraph, every one'knows, has
always had a supreme disregard for mere slavish
accuracy; and in its frantic ravings for war it
seems to have completely out-Telegraphed itself.
:Of course, anybody, who -could. put. two words -
-together has been gladly welcomedd as representing
public opinion, providing always the two words
are in laudation of the Turk and in hatred of the
Russian ; or how could the following have been
.admitted into the pages of the fire-eating journal?
On.lt return of the First Napoleon from Elba,
the Britisb Government of that day mnet in council
and passed a reolanhon to recommence war, andnot
to lay down their arms until they had driven the
usurper from his throne. During that hard and
memorable struggle the. so-called Liberals appear
to have acted very much as they do now,' in ham.
peering the Government, and Charles James Fox,
who was the Gladstone of that day, failing to
give effect to his opinions in Parliament, obtruded
himself unsent (sic) into the royal presence, and
look upon himse I f to expostlate with George III."
Unfprtately, Charles James Fox died in 1806,
while apoleon did not return from Elba until
1815. .No wonder that, appearing as he must
have, done in ghostly form,; his opinions had no
effect in Parliament, and that he fled to the king
in despair. Perhaps the writer meant to convey
that what Mr. Fox said was immaterial; but if so,
he has done it in a very awkward way,

THE TRAFALGAR-SQUARE
DEMONSTRATION.,
We have received the following letters, which
we trust will allay much controversy as to the real
opinion of ihe meeting : -
To the Eqitor of Funny olks.
SIR,-Will you allow me to announce through the
medium of your valuable journal that the "demon-
stration" was a complete success, as the following
numbers will show: For our resolution, 100,0 ;
against, 2. Yours, &c., .
CHAIRMAN ANTI-RUSSIAN Aasoc iAroN.

To the Editor ef Funny Folks.
Sia,-Will you permit me to stae' by means of
your admirable periodical that the "demonstration "
was an unmitigated failure?, The figures' were as
follows: For our resolution, 1000,000;,against, 0.
F Yours, &e.,.
CHAIRMAN -A TI-TURKO ASSOCIATION.

"Woodman, !pare that Tree l"
S1.t2d (t i...''..it Impromptu.)
Though Dizzy is now at tl e top of the trco,"
The height of ambition, the peak of renown,
He still must fear Gladstone, the woodman, for ho
Would not spare the tree," could his axe bring it
down. __
A "Fan "-cy Diplomat.
There is to be a Chinese embassy at Paris, and
Tseng Kuo Fan is to be the first minister. Look
out; this Fan is pretty sure to give himself airs.
A GOOD NAME FOR A BIRD TAxMER.-A Rarey
Avis.

,,-, A

'SATURDAY, JANUARY 12, 1878.]

PUNNY FOLKS.

CARDS IN THE ARMY.
[Colonel Gleig, Inspector of Army Schools. is anxious
to check card-playing in the army. He fears the soldiers
will become confirmed gamblers.]

How strangely it reads, to be sure,
That gallant Hussars or Life Guards
Should be solemnly asked to abjure
Such sport as a mild game of cards.
But they tell us the soldier's too fond
Of the game, and is-rtined at play-
Though how, with his pay, is beyond
Our entire comprehension to say.
If the soldier is kept from the pot
By a game of cards, let it be played;
Few "diamonds fall to his lot,
Then give him the clubs and the "spade."
Though in peace he may "shuffle" and "deal,"
"British interests still he will guard; .
Let us but to his valour appeal,
6 And he'll always turn up a trump card."

AUNTTOWZER AT TRAFALGAR
SQUARE.
Never have I been in such a intrepidation as I
was with them Pat-riots in that Travvulgar-square.
I'm sure it's a mussy as .1 got out with whole
bones, for a more discontentious and bellijeerent
populous I never did see. It's a old axeiem as I
always abides by to have nothing to do with a
polytickle hatchetator, as is only a man of straw
and full of nothing but his talk ; and I do assure
you, Mr. Auditor, as it was quite by a hacksident
as I found myself a-mingling with the Hoy
Apollois.
I was a-walking along quite peaceable when all
of a sudding I found myself surrounded by them
unwashed artishands, as directly they reckoneyesed
me set up a great hooroar. Long life and many
of 'em' to Aunt Towzer," says they. Well," I
says, quite beninely, for their 'ard and 'orny
woices had affected my feelings, and assembling
my emotion, I says, Mercy bocoop, mes army."
Mrs. Towzer, ma'am," says a son of toil as
said.he was a "'delicate," though he looked the
picter of most rude health "you're on our side,
ain't you ? You're not going to stand still and
see that hambishus Muskeywhite Potantete sweep
us from the" hosian, are yer ? You're a-going to
help us to defy the Haughty Crat, aint you ? Jest
cast yer hi on this ?" And I looks up and sees
-written in pennon ink on a banner as was flooruting
itself right in the very teeth of the breege, as them
sailers say, Gnashinal Society for the Assistance
of Rooshian Progression and the Infection of
British Hinterests in the Heast."
"Theer," says he, with unconscious pride
a-mantling in his cheek, which he had plenty of,
and a-covering him like a cloak, "that'll show

the Scizzar what's wot. That'll cut 'im up, won't
it ? You just hear me when I gits up to third
the motion."
Well Mr. Auditor, when I see that diluted man,
which I knowed he'd been having heartifishal
stimulus, a-staggering with that mash of bunting,
I was just about to tell him as he was a labouring
under a inkeybus, when I finds myself the center
of a wartex of the populous, a-insurging and a-
osillating fit to drag the very flesh off my bones.
Hooting and 'owling, and sich laugwidge as them
Turkeyfiles did use I never did 'ear. I looks
around for the man with the banner, and if he
wasn't a-kicking in the air, and some of them a-
holding of him up and supporting his motion; and
as for that flag, it was still a-flying, but all in
scraps.
"Whatever is the matter?" I gasps to a small
boy. Hooray ?" says he, It's the peace chaps
a-pitching into the war chaps, and ain't they a-.
licking of 'em just 1" Oh, my good lor," I says,
a-groaning-for I'd got a helbow a-grinding into
the small of my back, and one of my arms a-being
scraunched most orful-" do let me git out. It's
only one despot a-calling the other despot black,
and why we should black our eyes by poking our
noses next 'em I don't know." And with that I
wrenches myself out of the mealey, and leaves
Messrs. Belli Cos to settle their own differences-
which there wasn't much to choose between 'em as
I could see.

"THE RED ROVER."
[BY OuR CnRAKISH CRITIC.]
Bravo! inexhaustible Burnand; you have made
another hit! The Rover was Red long ago-in
Cooper's pages-hp will be seen now that, as is only
appropriate considering his profession, he doth
ride our roaring Strand" (by permission of Mrs.
Henry Wood and the Argosy).
The burlesque is quite worthy of the author of the
Royalty Bldck-Eyed Susan, and is capitally" acted
all round. The proper retort to make to anybody
carping at Miss Venus' "timid little maiden,"
would decidedly be, "A Lottie knows about it,
don't he ?"' .Miss Rachel Sanger, as the Lieutenant
of the good ship Dart," is, if possible, in Wilder
spirits than usual; and Miss Marie de Grey enacts
Dick with as much Fid-elity to life as high-heeled
shoes and other incongruities will allow of.
Mr. Cox's Guinea is "good as gold;" and M.
Marius, as the Rover, is like the element on which
he sails, "fresh" and "ever free "-especially
with his melodramatic attitudes, which tumble
over one another helter-Skelt-er as the burlesque
proceeds.

GOODALL'S PLAYING CARDS." Then he
shouldn't. He ought to turn them up for Good-
and-all.

11 -

THE WHITE CAT OF DRURY LANE.

BL ALLCI-I-AI ED AJWD C -IA.T-TEI:TO IT COVBIIDThATIOII EIX'ECT.

I I t.4f" 532 NN /r ('I

1. Up tothe Scratch.
2. Grand Ballet in a Drury Lane Grove by Moonlight.
3. Yokes Family in a Drury Lane Storm.

4. Mr. Fred Vokes in an EnchantedForest-Assault and 6. Annihilating the Demon. Yokes: "Just one more with
Battery. my left, and you will do."
5. Cats'Castle. "Rats! Rats! Now, hen, Pussies !" 7. About the time of the Transformation Scene.

~a

WAR DIALOGUES, party in England. "Mouthpiece at any price,
-will be its consistent motto.
AFTER A MEETING IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE. The proprietors wish to point out that an old and
T USSOPHILE t 2ND usso- respected whist rule is embodied inthe following.
PHIL). Eh? Hulloaut Why, Jones, you've Hint to periodical purchasers vacillating in the
only got one eye, old boy, and your whiskers have shop of a newsagent hen in doubt -
been torn out by the roots 1 Trumpet ______
2ND RUSSOPHILE. True. But then look at my
trousers. W WEATHER W WISDOM.
1ST R. Um 'Awful ugly pattern. What's.
the material? [BY OUR MANIAC OLD MooiE.]
2ND R. A captured Turkish flag. I have just Should january' nights prove sharp,
had it made up. These trousers, Smith, will go Should January's nights prove sharp,
down to posterity ; and my children's children will Muffle your aw-bones in a harp,
proudly point to the pants their ancestor won on Stir cream into your roast beef-te
the ensanguined field. But excuse me, I did not When like a lion gusty March is,
notice before that you had both arms in slings, Snare mud-larks with Adelphi Arches.
and that your right ear had been gnawed off. Should April be without a cloud,
1ST R. Oh, yes. But what's an arm or se, or The peacock may be snubbed, if proud.
an ear or two, when a man wears a pin like mine ? But if in May there's buttered thunder,
There's a trophy, if you like I To crimp your ears would be a blunder.
2ND R. Ahl-er-dear me, now I look closely, Should June be hot, you will not gain
it appears to me to be a human tooth I By wearing wadding in your brain.
IST R. So it is. Just had it mounted. It's Be sure, if July's "out of toon,"
the incisor of a Turkophile chairman, old fellow I To dropno nut.shells on the moon.
2th R incisrt o ou'rko trump I August is wet! in that ease fill
2ND R. Smith, you're a trump With mutton-hash your landlord's till.
1St R. Jones, you're a hero You shall come Should churlish Sol September flout,
home with me, and help polish a plank of the Pray wear your elbows inside out.
captured 0 ttoman platform I'mi having made into Farmers, when mild October's come,
walking-sticks. May lay their horseponds by in rum.
2ND R. Delighted, I'm sure. And in the November's fogs, if thick as soup,
evening, dear boy, you'll come round to my place, Make glue the fittest cure for croup.
and give me your advice about the framing and And when December sheds its snows,
glazing of a pro-Turkish hat crown I was fortu- It's best to bank your Roman nose i
nate enough to secure, won't you ?
S-- [EJxeuntjubilant. SENDING THEM TO THEWALL-

TRUMPET" NOTES. SEND.
CoAL MERCHANT. Bitter morning this, Mr.
However things are at present, it will soon be Smith. How's the thermometer P
possible for every man, so disposed, to blow his CLERK. Ten degrees below freezing point, sir.
own Trumpet ; especially if he does not agree with COAL MERCHANT (rubbing his hands). Ahl
the opinions ventilated in the forthcoming addition Terribly bad for poor people. Put up the prices
to weekly journalism, two shillings a ton all round, will you ? Can't afford
Though it will do nothing actively to encourage to sell 'em less in this cold weather.
insobriety, the Trumpet will be very far from .
looking with favour on the cause of tootle- Cheap Fault-finding.
abstinence.
It will uphold woman's rights; henceforward to A firm of musical-publishers in Great Marl.
be known only as Trumpet-icoat Government. borough-street advertise "Thra bad eepenny Pantomime
The editor, it is generally understood, has been "twopenny-halfpenny affair." A threepenny pan.
chosen because he is a two-faced man; and will tomime can only bhe a single step higher; and the
therefore, on occasion, be able to use the double firm ought therefore at once to look up a more
tongue." enticing form 6f puff.
The speculators starting the new venture are all
men of means. The proprietors of a Trumpet are THE PRETTIEST FLOWER IN COVENT GARDEN.
sure to be possessed of plenty of "brass." The Columbine.
Quite a feature of the new journal will be SCENES THAT ARE BRIGHTEST." Scen00es08
the persistent writing down of the belligerent under tho limelight.

12 FUNNY FOLKS.

ENTER PAX.
SCENE-Well, a noisy one, with gruesome ghosts-
Ghosts of good will and love that stalk the boards,
Encumbered by superbly Christian hosts
That scarce seem better than some heathen
S hordes;
A ranting company, a mad, bad play,
A cast "-more like a shy-and very shady !
Then enter England, introducing, say,
PAx-a Neglected Lady.
Aye, take her by the hand and tell her wrongs,
Recount the tale of the eternal Martyr,
How oft they drive her forth with fists and thongs,
Cast out alike by Moslem and by Tartar.
Dwell on her virtues, nor with blatant boasts
Make Eastern hatred of her influence deeper;
Teach her she's always welcome in our coasts,
And pray to Fate we keep her!
She needs your arm, John Bull-a sturdy arm,
That can uphold her claims to have a hearing;
She's seldom ork the stage to soothe or charm,
And like a d butante, requires some cheering.
And yet what parts she has played the wide world
o'er,
All in her own fair name-she scorns disguises ;
And when she gags, she gags the dogs of war,
And then our business rises.
We've had the bloody tragedy; present
At least an interh-de; nor set before us
For ever tales of gore and anguish spent,
With always Oim Oimd !" for a chorus.
Cry, Hold !" who can bid fire and famine cease;
Bellona's played out-we've already hiss'd her;
Open the stage to the new player-Peace.
Britannia, help your sister!

THE CONDITIONAL MOOD.
All the papers have been publishing their
specially-inspired "Russian Conditions of Peace,"
and we have chuckled much on perusing them.
Nor will our readers wonder at our levity when
we add that, thanks to the connivance of a veiled
myrmidon trom the Muscovite Embassy-he
now, alas I worthy, though traitorous emissary I is
6n his way to Siberia's frozen steppes-we have
long had in a special pigeon-hole the actual
Conditions of Peace," as sketched by Prince
G*r**ch*k*ff on his blotting-pad, when he paid
a flying visit, incognito, to Count Sch**v*l*ff
last Tuesday week. Those Conditions" we
have now taken from the special pigeon-hole
(we know some newspaper offices where they have
their special mare's nest), and place, without
reserve, before our readers, which is but another
term for the world at large."
Here they are, then:
RUSSIAN CONDITIONS OF PEACE.
1. The Black Sea to become a Russian Lake,
whilst the White Sea is also to be changed to a
Russian pink madder.
2. The Turkish ironclads to become Russian
property ; and all necessary repairs to put them
into thorough fighting order to be provided for by
a special pro rata subscription to be made by the
English holders of Turkish bonds.
3. The editors and proprietors of the Daily
Telegraph and Pall Mall Gazette to be banished
to Siberia.
4. Dr. E. A. Freeman to be created Emperor
of Bulgaria, with the Rev.
Malcolm McColl as his Ex-
Arch.
5. Turkey to pay Russia
one hundred and fifty mil-
liards, and the latter Power
to hold Constantinople till
the above sum is paid.
6. The Sultan to live at
Broussa on his allowance,
and send round no more
Hatts.
7. The well-known aper-
ient drug to be henceforth
known as Russia rhubarb;
and Turkey morocco to be
done away with in the in-
terests of Russian leather.'-: I
8. TheTurkish Parliament
to be sold in one lot to Mr. D a
P. T. Barnum, and removed N D
en, nasse to his museum in
New York for exhibition
as a constitutional curiosity.
9. General Skobeleff to be
made Khedive of Egypt, and
the Suez Canal closed to
all but Russian vessels.
10. Greece, Servia, Monte-
negro, and Roumania, to
become Russian tributaries,
with power to add to their
number.
11. Lord Beaconsfield to
walk to St. Petersburg
clothed in a sheet of the
Daily Telegraph, and do
penance before the Czar.
12. The Czar to determine
for himself what shall be
known henceforth as the
Continent of Russia I

TIT FOR TAT.
Coquette (to whom Eligible Party has just Unsuccessfully Proposec).-OH, I DARE
SAY THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAVE BEEN REFUSED.
Eligible Party (nettled).-AT ALL EVENTS IT OBVIOUSLY IS THE FIRST TIME
YOU HAVE HAD A CHANCE OS REFUSING.

MINISTERIAL MOVEMENTS. Greek fire instead of composites. He will be in
-- communication with all the mines and torpedoes
"Moves the Court Jenkins should have put, in the East, and he need only press a few telegraph
but he was afraid of being translated to the House knobs to send two or three million Russians to that
of Lords, and having some of the Pigotts (no con- region which is reserved for Russians especially.
nection with Hughenden) appointed to his post. Lord Derby is about to move-from one party
Lord Carnarvon will immediately leave the to the other, and back again, in such rapid succes-
neighbourhood of Downing-street after that re- sion, that it will be hard for him to know which
markable speech of his. If the Colonial Man is which.
doesn't, Lord B. says he will. He couldn't live
near such a Daily Nuisance. WHAT CERTAIN BEER DRINKERS SAW ON
Lord Salisbury takes a short trip to the auti-' BOXING-DAY.-Doable Xmas.

Druidic. -
The Druids at Oxford were, AN ADDITION TO THE FAMILY.
at their dinner on New Year's
Day, presided over by Mr. ON THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A BIRTH IN THE TIMES TRADESMEN RUSH TO.PROFFER GOODS OF EVERY KIN
Gulliver, the Noble Arch. SHAVING-CREAM TO A COFFIN-FOR THE INFANT'S USE. OUR ARTIbT DEPICTS THE COMPETITION ON THE
The higher rank, if there is THE NEW YEA !
one, of Noble Archer, would
better have suited a Gulliver, whose name is in- podes. He doesn't want to give up his seat, but A Battu "-uim.
dissolubly associated with skill in the noble art of really thatparvenuwfellow- Butno matter. Dis- The Russians continue to pound awayat the
drawing the long bow. establishment is looming in the distance, and he fortifications of Batoum; and, indeed, it* would
must keep cool, for the sake of the Archbishop of seem as though they said to the Turks, We'll
A Sad Matter. Canterbury. bowl you balls if you will only Bat-to.um I"
"Russian politicians are so overbearing," said, a Mr. Gathorne Hardy will shortly move to the
Turcophile the other day, "that they would like Woolwich laboratory. A nice collection of tor- THE POPULAR CONSTANTINOPOLITAN CATCH.-
to wipe their feet on the diplomats of Europe!" pedoes will decorate his study; and he will burn How's Sofia F"

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 12, 1878..

PICKLES FOR POLITICIANS.
THE BEACONSFIELD RELISH is a transparent
and colourless mixture of many choice ingredients,
and adds a delicate flavour to a German cold
shoulder or Russian tongue. Hardly pungent
enough for some tastes, it is lost sight of
altogether in an Irish stew. Is a favourite sauce
at the Royal table.
THE DERBY SAUCE PIQUANTE is pungent
and somewhat bitter. Will keep in any climate,
but has a tendency to acidity in the East. Best
suited for Home, consumption, and should be
bottled up closely when not in use. Goes pretty
well with Indian curry.
THE NORTHOOTE MIXED PICKLE is a pleasant
harmless accompaniment to our National dishes.
Requires to be Liberally used to get much
flavour from it.
THE CAMBRIDGE SAUCE is still popular in
military circles. Is often dished up with army.'
messes, and is likely to be used for balls and routs
during the forthcoming season.
THE CZAR'S RELISH is a vigorous sauce with
Turkey or any "high" game. Is popular at
German tables, and the French do not dislike it.
Quite the rage in America. There are differences
of opinion about it in this country ; still, it is in
demand as a "party" luxury.
THE SULTAN'S PICKLE is too well known to
require any description. Only fit for hashes. Is
apt to leave a vile taste on the palate. British
cooks must be cautious in using it, as some of the
ingredients are decidedly deleterious.

"QUEER FISH" AT THE
AQUARIUM.
(WITH FUEL PRIVATE PARTICULARS.)
A Coal-fish.-Fine specimen of "live" sea-
coal; always ready to scuttle.
A Sea-rush.-A genuine "rush of waters."
Thin Shad.-Mere shad-ows of the deep."
A Blind Fish.-Venetian.
A Red-fire Fish.-Water won't put it out."
Fiddle Crabs.-From Cremona.
Sunray.-Very light eating.
A Pipe-fish.-Tube seen alive.
An Archer-fish.-The sort of archer to shoot at
a frog.
A Sea Surgeon.-Capital example of the marine
fish-ician.
Sea-horse.-The only genuine horse-marine."
A Polished Crab.-French.

A "RACY" FEAST.
The Veterinary-in-Chief to the Etat-Major of
Paris has just given a grand hippophagical
banquet, and the guests unanimously declared
that they were never at fny finer "meet" in their
lives.
Conspicuous among the roti was the noble
saddle, with appropriate horse-radish. There were
many prime cuts" (a little suggestive of the
whip). Every guest was eager to have a "bit
in his mouth." The "fillet de bceuf was ex-
cellent, as filly stakes were naturally some-
what racy in flavour. The sweets comprised
omelettes and other preparations from the auf
(the horsey pronunciation
of hoof) in every possible
variety. All the viands were
appropriately served on
"Queen's plates" by stable
helpers. The Rein wines
of course included hock.
As might have been ex-
pected, there was stablee
talk, brilliant, though a
little horsey. After the toast
of the evening, the com-
pany gave "hip, hip; hur-
rah !" for the hippophagists
and their noble endeavours
to reduce misery and woh,!"
among the masses, by the
introduction of horse-flesh
as a stable article of food;
and an opinion was generally
expressed that it would be
greatly to the advantage of
the community if horses,
instead of shuffling off to
the knackers, were in future
to shamble 'off to the sham-

TEMPLE BAR,
The end of Temple Bar
1 has come. Its days and its
stones alike are numbered.
It looks like a. child's
puzzle ready to be taken,to
pieces and put away in a box.

in place of those figures
we have these !
The notion is that, when
down, it may be put up again
elsewhere-in, some locality
partial to rococo ugliness.,
SIn other words, Temple
Bar, now in numbers, is to
be bound up according to
taste.
qD-PoxM A
BIRTH oF Ughl! the Beari ,"
Russia is so inhospitable
she will not even "entertain"
our proposals 'for peace.
Bicycling.
Silent and graceful.on their wheels they glide :
They are propelled by magic, one might fancy."
By magic ?" readily Ixion cried;
"If't it rather like break-neckromaney ?"
TE ARCTIC CIRCLE.-A snow wreath,

[q

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12, -1878.]

FOR A SONG.
[Mr. Maybrick is reported to have obtained more than
a thousand pounds for the song "Nancy Lee."]
Ah, friends, who have found steep Parnassus hard
climbing,
And felt ere the midway a leaning to droop,
Who've taken to dining, and given up rhyming,
And found bays are nice, but not suited for
soup:
Refurbish your lutes and guitars with prompt
care, if
You'd like to form one of the millionaire's
throng;
For here's the last price on the musical tariff-
A thousand pounds down for a popular song.
Bard of Whoa, Emma rich, versatile fancy
That hymned Obadiah, quaint, tuneful and
twain,
Oh, say did you equal the author of Nancy ?
Has he quite overshadowed the Charles called
Champagne?
What visions arise! See the Ten Little Niggers,
In palaces housed, smoking weeds, rare and dear,
And all Tommy's Uncles as bumptious as Biggars,
Because they are making ten thousand a year.
Ah,' poet, who-wiLZ tell us all We all do it-
We don't make a thousand clear out of our lays;
The Muse (I have tried her) will only-beshrew
it!-
Suggest to Macdermott the poem that pays.
There's not the least use in poetical lingo,
Unless you can state with a lyrical flow
We don't want to fight, and append that, by Jingo,
We've got all that's wanted to punish the foe.
Arise from your ledgers, your stools, and quill-
driving,
If you want to be famous, fat, gorgeous, and
gay,
If, in short, you desire to be thoroughly thriving,
Write one song once a year that the organs will
play.
You may then start your brougham, your plethoric
savings
Will help you to many a diamond ring;
And a true Tory Premier will judge from your
ravings
A music-hall war is the popular thing.

Reductio ad Absurdum,
We cannot admire the liberality of patent medi-
cine vendors. Who cares to take pills wholesale to
secure a reduction P and why should a great saving
be always effected in taking the larger sizes ?
THE PLACE TO SPEND AN A. P." DAY.-The
Alexandra Palace.

FUNNY FOLKS.

THE ARGUMENTUM AD HAM-INEM.
Pat.-GET UP OWR THAT, Y' DIRTY SPALFnEN I TY' GO ROWLIN' IN THE
MOO'GEEN THAT WAY, IS IT THE PRIEST THAT 'LL. BE AFTER ATIN' THE
BASHEBS AV TE ?

BELLIGERENT BABBLINGS. over a certain fortress recently captured by the
-- Servians. Every one must have heard of the
The news that there has been an unimportant celebrated Pirot flag.
engagement at Solnik is late; but the information General Loris Melikoff having left for Tiflis, a
that the Russians have evacuated a neighboring brother officer has assumed the command of the
town Izlator. Russian forces. It is expected that the new comn-
The skull and cross-bones standard now floats mander will do all Heyman can do.

The village of Madrack is in the hands of the
Muscoy. Mad-rack and ruin go together, as usual.
The Turks have defeated' a detachment of
Russians and Bulgarians which was advancing
towards Dedebal, on arson intent. Only available
comment-De-debal they have 1
Prominent [among [the conspiring Pashas of
Constantinople is naturally found time-Server
Pasha 1

ASKED OF OUR OWN MODISTE
Can a costume adorned with "flutings" an
" pipings be otherwise than loud in style P
When a material is divided crosswise, is the
cutting usually done bias-inine people P
" Does a square-shaped bodice suit a rounded
figure P
Beads, as we know, are universally worn, and old
fashions are perpetually being revived. Why, under
these circumstances, are not Venerable Bedes resus-
citatedP
When a petticoat' is trained, what tricks can it
usually perform ?
May a lace covering for the hands and arms only
be worn when fashion per-" mits F"
The "pans" which ornament ladies' skirts are
"only suitable to rich materials." As it is so select,
should not such a "pan be called a pot-au-few P
What years must one's wife possess before she
reaches her core-age ?

Quite Right.
They steal quinine that is consigned
For use of Indian troops, and so
'Twill henceforth be dyed blue, we find,
Thus making that which is designed
To go to India-" Indi'go."

A Dip-pressing Omission.
Mr. Spurgeon's lecture on candles is disappoint-
ing in one respect. It might have been expected
that a Baptist minister would have given the first
and foremost place to the dip."

A "Moldy" Nation.
A correspondent of ours is much exercised be-
cause he has just found out that Mold is in Flint.
"That Flint" he writes, is in mould we may be.
tempted to believe, but that mould is in Flint,
never I" We wonder, then, whether he will be-
lieve us when we tell him both Mold and Flint are
to be found in W'ales P
OBTANINO & FALSE CHARACTER "-Being
cast for Iago.
r POP-ULAR CONsoRTs. Wives of ginger-beer
manufacturers.

S3.THE NEW HEAD-DBESS.-How charming ladies will 5. THE PRoVIDENT F<
look in Spiked Helmets. ... Costumes during a Week's
. 4. FOR THE Pooa.-Why not use the m'i'c-talkei!-of 6. THE WAR QUESTION
Newspaper Covering for Winter Clothing P in their Costumes.

FUNNY FOLKS.

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 12, 1878.

T0 E BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR
SQUARE.
SRA VE Maltman Barry swore an
oath-
SA oath both loqd and deep--
Thalt from, the Muscov clutch Constan-
Tiiople he would keep ;
-The Czar in trembling heard of this,
And nevermore could sleep I
Then Maltman blew the clarion shrill,
f And'waved the Turkish flag,
t.And neathh the banner marshalled
forth.
Both Bob-tail and Tag-rag; .
On to Tr7falgar-square tl'ey marched,
,,49ordid.the weakest-lag.
The e' Osborne--fierce pro-Russian he !-
Did with his thousands stand ;
And Mottershead and bold Broadhurst,
'A .Daily News-ish band :
Sneak the accursed Turkish chair 1"
'Was Osborne's first command.
The chair was sneaked."-The fray commenced:
Each leader storms and raves
In vain, amid the meeting crash
Of Turk and Muscov braves :
They tore each other's banners, and
The flag-staffs used for staves.
Oh, who shall count the ruined hats
Which all the pavement strewed ?
Who calculate the bad black eyes,
The lips with gore bedewed ?
Who fix the guilt on Turk or Russ,-
Of this intestine feud ?

A I:',iNT FOR. THE" NEW
YEAR .
Ingenuity in advertising has nearly reached its
height; it pervades life and underlies literature.
Still;,it is possible to carry it a trifle further, and
here is a'-icrude example of the sort of thing
which' woulil soothe the soul of Willing, and
shed a halo of satisfaction around every advertiser
in th kingdom if authors could only be induced
to frabie their works on this model-
-THE .PRIDE OF PERGABOO;
on,
THE DEMON DISGUSTE. '
A TRAGEDY IN TWENTY. ACTS.
sEnter the PRIDE OF PERGABOO, in a Polonaise a la
SQuestyuecestquega, price 2 2s., to be had only of
.Lov oy and Co., 421, Regency-road.
THE P. or P. Oh, Emile! Likewise ah,
Em-m-ile! (Stammering, Stuttering, and All Kinds
* of Impediments in Speech completely Cured in Six
Lessons by Professor Glibly). Thou whose manly
shoulders are my sole protection against the
buffets of this cruel world! (Brown and Co.,
Professed Shoulder Padders, 2, Packville-street,
Piccadilly) (Buffets, in Mahogany, Walnut, and
Polished Oak, all prices, Messrs. Bruce and Co.,
Faker-street) Oh, t.at my blushing cheek (Try
Smudge's Rouge, 6d. a pot) could be greeted no.v
by that divine moustache (" Moustache is Man's
Chief Glory," says the Poet; Send Forty Stamps
for Boss's Hair Scrooger ") in one long ecstatic
embrace! (Try Jones's Military Braces, -5s. 6d. a
pair, two for 'half a sovereign.) But whose voice
was that P (Milson's Patent Ear Trumpets defy
detection.)
Enter the DEMON DISGUSTER (Pongo's Fluid is a cer-
tain disirfector.)
THE D. D. Har! bar! har! At last I have
caught yar! (Fishing Tackle of every description
at lowest prices; Hooker, Bit, and Co., High
Holborn.) Now you are my h-own! (The
Lammaway" Hone is the only reliable; post free
for 18 stamps; Scratchit and Co.)
THE P. P. N, varrr Sooner than marry you,
you Turk-(Latest Telegrams I rom the Seat of War;,
Boyd's News, every Sunday, price ld.)-I would
plunge headforemost into yonder boiling sea!
(Squidman's Sea Salt sends a glow through the
most delicate frame.)
THE D. D. Escape is impossible! (Not if you
use Brown's Fire Extincteur, price 5 5s. for
cash.) You shall come with me-(Randall's Pleasure
Excursion Vans are only 10s. a day and Driver's
drink)-or die! (Mrs. Harris's Hair Renovator;is
perfectly Innocuous; see over 1,000,000 testi-
monials.)
THE P. P. Then I will die!
[Does so.
THE D. D. Foiled again! (N.B. See that you
get Good Weight. Barker's Choice Teas are not
-foiled, but are weighedwithout paper of any kind.)
Emile shall fall! (Pugnose's Embrocation imme-
.diately allays every species of pain and swelling.)
Enter COURT JESTER.
C. J. Gadzooks, my merry Demon, why lookest

t'ou so grave P (Try Thoule's Tombstones:
great reduction on taking a quantity.)
. THn D. D. I look so because I feel so-and so-
I do so! (The little Wantsome is the only non-
explosive Sewing Machine.)
C. J. Thou art humorous, fair sir ? (Roars of
laughter! The Frisking Frog, 6d. coloured, 4d.
plain, of Ward and Co., Covent Garden.)
THE D. D. Look there, Clown-(Take your
children to see the Gorgeous Surrey Pantomime:
prices from 6d. to 2 2s.)-see you not yon Body?
(A perfect fit ensured by the use of Slimkin's
Patent "Glove" Corsets, price .1 Is.)
C. C. Yea, verily; but how came it there ?
(Excursion Tickets to the seaside at greatly reduced
prices-London, Brighton, and South-Coast Rail-
way.)
THE D. D. Alas, I know not! (Vokes on
"Memory," price ls., of the Author.) I but asked
her to marry me-(Wedding Breakfasts at the
shortest notice, by Messrs. Punter: by Appoint-
ment)-and she immediately fell into a fit!-
(Flummux's Life Candy is a Certain Cure for.
Cramp, Cough, Bile, Boils, Dyspepsia, Ringworm,
Broken Legs, Loss of Sight, Sleeplessness, Chil-
blains, Small-pox, Metaphysics, and FITS!)--
which resulted as you see.! (Try Bouncer's Crystal
Spectacles, adapted to all sights, price 2s. 6d., post
free.)
C, J. False villain! Behind yonder tree con-

Still the other was not!
(Try Brown's Cure for Dry Rot.)
So while daylight still serves
(Smeller's Snuff for the Nerves)
I will hie me away !
(Moore and Burgess to-day!!)
Exit, and CURTAIN.
N.B.-The remaining nineteen acts will appear in
due course.

AUNT TOWZER'S LATEST
IMPRESSIONS.
That some of our dramatic authors take their
plays from Sardine's.
That the Irish will be furious when Cleopatrick's
Needle comes to England.
That John Bull is superintending the works of
the Law Courts.
That Tumble Bar is down at last.
That there is a Grass Opera Buff at the Gaiety.
That we shall have to wait upon ourselves nowthe
Servants have joined the Russians against Turkey.

RUSSIAN BARBARITY.
Our pro-Turkish Correspondent informs us that
a war telegram in last week's papers says: "Osman

FEVER BY POST.
(The Post Office is Now an acknowledged Vehicle for Disseminating Infectious Diseases.)

2. Taking in the Letters. Precaution adopted
in all well-regulated families.

3. Preparatory to Reading. Purification by
Fire is the next best thing to Fumigation. ,

cealed, the sight my blood congealed (The
best Wenham Lake Ice forwarded free to all parts
at id. per pound, by Patti and Co.)-I saw and
heard all!
THE D. D. Har! Is it so? Then thou too
shalt perish! (Blinks' Bug Powder is cERTAIN-
two boxes for Is.)
C. J. Nay, two words to that! (They fight.)
(In these troublous times a good Life Preserver is
a Necessity. Try the "Buster" registered, price
10s.)
[They kill each other violently, then the P. P., who
has only been shamming dead, uprises-
(Bolger's Aerated Bread saves money in the-
long run)-and sings the following song:
'Twas a narrow escape !
(Try Smith's Waterproof Cape.)
But I'm out of it well
(Bryant's Match has no smell);
And I'll fly to my love
(Buy the "Self-Lighting" Stove),
And be married this day!
(Have you seen the New Stay P)
From'these corpses I shrink
(Swillson's "Punch" is the drink!)
With aversion and scorn
(Titeley's Skirts are most worn);
For tho' one was a friend
(Green has old Clothes to lend),

4. Terrible Consequences to Jones of In-
advertently Taking in a Letter.

Pasha arrived here (Bucharest) this evening, and
put up at the Hotel Broft, &c. He is accompanied.
by a Russian officer, and a Russian under-officer,
without arms, stands guard before his door." Our
correspondent says there can be no doubt that such
a wanton act of insult as the placing a maimed and
crippled sentinel outside the Turkish prisoner's room
can only be the result of a diabolical desire to
inflict the acutest humiliation on a fallen foe.

The Outs and the Ins of It.
How beautifully our lan guage contradicts itself
when we are obliged to admit that what we call
out-rages are really done in rages!

"F. F." to be Sure!
If, now that Messrs. Spiers and Pond are firmly-
established butchers, they were to be ennobled, who
would be the very first to speak of them as barons
of beef? _
This is Spainful.
The inhabitants of Seville have orange to pre-
sent the Princess Mercedes with an address, en-
closed in a casket worth twenty-five thousand reals,
and a diamond-adorned pen wherewith to sign the
marriage register. Surely this is the height of
Seville-ity !

COUCHMAN-NERISMS.
A Counchman-ly attempt to solve the problem of
"How to Marry and Live Well on a Shilling a
Day?' has been thrown in our way by a vegetarian
fate.
Well, if :a single man were very enthu-
siastic, he might manage to scrub along A a,
Couchman, but fancy any one courageous enough
to offer a new-made bride such a dainty dish as
vegetarian pie, composed: thusly :' "Pare several
potatoes, ditto onions; slice them, if large, and
place in a buttered dish in. layers. .Add to each
layer a little sage and well-steeped tapioca.. Cover
with crust in the usual way."" Little sage," indeed,
would he be who ventured to hint:at such a dish."
Broth is not' considered a so.'.p-rBl;ty by our
vegetarian, and he gives a re.;po for one-'- green-
grocer'S shop stewed down-which' is "in almost
universal use in Scotland." .
We must in fairness avow that the. author is 'de-'
cidedly earnest in his conviction that one has but to
follow his advice to live to a green old cabb-age,
instead of being cut off in.the cauliflower of youth
and beauty. ,

QUESTIONS
WHICH. NEVER HAVE BEEN' SATISFACTORILY
: ANSWERED.
In photographic parlance, how many' "negatives"
are equal to an affirmative?
Why -should coals "rise" immediately snow'
begins to "fall V?"
How is it that an accountant can sit perfectly
still while he is "running up a column of figures?
Is what Cockneys call Parterre the husband of
Mother Earth P
Why are not carpenters compelled to carry their
"nails at their fingers' ends .
How many pence go to a thingum-bob ?
What is the exact price' of a poet's license ?"

MATHEMATICAL FIGURES.
An omnibus with five wheels would be called a
"rum-'bus."
A square gaol is called a aqod-rilateral."
Any message sent by the "parallelograph" is
called a parallelogram."

Impromptu.
Some people thinkthat going to war
Would really be delicious;
Had they to join the ranks at home,
They'd consider that Militia-ousi

Hint for Dessert.
Nuts sent to table should be accompanied by
Rimmel's Comic Crackers.

The Grand Christmas Transforma-
tion.
The exploit of M. Pictet, of Geneva, in changing
the form of oxygen, so that "it spouted forth in a
liquid jet."
Evil Communications.
The exodus of workmen from Woolwich Arsenal
to Herr Krupp's works at Essen is becoming quite
alarming. One hesitates to use an ugly word, but
really it looks as if our artisans were becoming
utterly Krupp-ted!
Very Like a Whale.
The Chinese Giant, Yano-Shan, who is on his way
here, showed no signs of abnormal height till he
was sixteen years of age. He then ate a hearty
meal of conger eel, fell ill, and from the date of his
recovery shot up to eight feet six inches, and is
still growing. Whether the Chinese wish us to
believe his eelongation is due to the conger we do
not know; but in case they should, we would at
once decline to accept so incongeruous a statement.

CORRESPONDENCE.
S Contributions are sent at authors' or artists' own risk.
and the Editor wilnot be responsible for them, or undertake to
return them.
SPOONEY.-Mr. Sullivan is not, we believe, engaged
on an operetta to follow the Sorcerer andto be called the
Cupper.
CoLEa.--Be careful to wash your head before curling
it for the table.
VERE nE VERE.-William the Conqueror's followers,
as soon as they had disembarked from their ships, at
once regarded themselves as the landed aristocracy.
G. O'RILLA.-Deap Swift's description,of the Yahoos is
generally considered a clever libel on the Yahoo-men
race.
POLE STAR.-Regalated by the Czar. Year by year,
alternately, all Russian names take off or ski as a termi-
nation. In leap year all the names end In eona.
LITTLE CHILDE.-The name of the noble bard's valet
was Frederick. We thought everybody had heard of
Byron's Man Fred.
POmPEY.-Rubicon was. an ancient kind of red wine,
much favoured by the great Julius, and his friends,
hence the expression, "Caessar passing the Rabicon."
FANCIER.-Do not fancy that the wolf-cubs can be
attached to you by anything stronger than "cub-board
love."

Sold by all Druggists and Perfumers.
1 "W E can honestly assert that
MACNIVEN & CAMERON's PEWS make long
a-

"They come as a boon and a blessing to men,
The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen."
1,400 newspapers recommend them to their readers.-
See the graphic, 20 lFeb.
THE COMMERCIAL PEN FOR FINE WRITING.

They are a treasure."-Standard.
(r6d.,and is. per Box, at all Stationers. Specimen Boxes
containing all the kinds by post for 13 stamps.
SPATENTEES : MACNIVEN & CAMERON,
23, Blair -Street, Edinburgh.

| o n mdedby a niw pri AkO
Je".r, (or ixpenn, Assrted Saple Doialnd I

UNRALINE gives instant relief in
ticdouloureux, neuralgia, sciatica, toothache,
rheumatism, gout, and all nerve and local pains.-Mr.
Edgar, kutt Lighthouse, island of Lewis, writing to Sir
Jamas-MalthesoA.: "Mrs.-Edgar cannot esprew her
thanks to Lady Matheson for the Neuraline. It proved
the most successful remedy she had ever applied. The
relief was almost instantaneous." LEATHand ROSS,
Homoeopathic Chemists, 5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9,
* Vre-street, W. All Chemists, is. lid. and 2s. 9d.; by
Post .ls 3. and Sa.
DEAR VANITY.-I will begin m
letter this week by singing the praises of a myd-
*olne which has the valuable property of curing what
-al the world is suffering from at this season more or
dese-namely, a cold in the head. It is called" Glyka.
Aine," three drops of whith'ataken at intervals of an
hour will Infallibly do away with the most obstinate of-
colds.-" Talon Rouge," Vanity Fair, March 17, 1877.-
Glykaline l omptly cures colds, coughs, and all dis-
orders of the mucous membrane. LEATH and, ROSS
S St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9, Vere-street, W. All
dhemi ta; la. lid. and 8s. 9d.; by Post, Is. sd. and as.

JUDSON
INKS AND WOODSTAINS
Of great beauty are made in one minute by simply
adding water. Hot water is best, thus:
A Od. Bottle of Magenta, to a q.art of water.
A ed. Violet, to half-pint of water.
A 6d. 1, Mauve,
A 6d. Sultan Red, ,,
A 6d. Lavender, to a quarter-p nt of water.
These Inks do not corrode on the pen. They dry very
quickly.
A most Elegant Ink for Ladies.

S

DYES.

SIGN AND CROSS YOUR
CHEQUES,
Endorse Orders, tick off your figures and indents with
the brilliant Inks that can be made in one minute with
JUDSON's Red or Violet Dyes, by simply adding hot
water.
24 COLOURS, 6d. each.
See that you get JUDSON'S DYES.

HOW TO TAKE DOWN TEMPLE BAR,
LEAVE IT FOR ONE DAY IN THE HANDS OF THE RELIO-HUNTERS, AND EVERYBODY
WILL BE SAVED ALL FURTHER TROUBLE,

SOLD BY CHEMISTS AND STATIONERS.

WHEN YOU ASK FOR A

SIG R'S

SEWING MACHINE,

ARE MiADE ONLY BY
THE SINGER MANUFACTURING COMPANY.
BEWARE of persons who use our name SINGER'to palm off Counterfeit Machines. Every SINGIER'S SEWING
MACHINE has the Company's name printed upon the arm, and Impressed upon the Brass TRADE-MARK-PLATE.

LOIN HIGHLAND WHISKY,
"The PE RF T 0 I 0 N of W I B 0 T"
Az d 1 XZ X .V & Xr. M D br TX OD-D'.
Sole Proprietors: Greenlees Brothers, 1, Gresham Buildings, 3.0. Distilleries, Argyleshire.
RIMMEL'S AROMATIC OZON- MASKELYNE AND COOKE
IZER, or Natural Air Purifier, certified by Dr. EGYPTIAN HALL, LONDON.-In compliance
Hassall to be the most effective and agreeable disin- with the advice of Mr. Maskelyne's physician, Three of
fectant ever offered, is a fragrant powder, producing the popular Morning Performances in each week have
in a room by slow evaporation the refreshing and been given up, and the arrangement is now as follows:
healthy emanations of the Pine and Eucalyptus Forests. EVERY EVENING at 8; TUESDAY, THURSDAY,
In 4oz. tins, price Is., by post for 15 stamps. RIMMEL, and SATURDAY AFTERNOONS at $. No .Matinde,
Perferfumer, Strand; 128, Regent-street; and 24, on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Jan, 7, and 11.
Cornhill, London. W. MoRTON,,Mknager.

Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities
from whatever cause arising. For scrofula, scurvy,
skin and blood disease, its effects are marvellous. In
bottles, 2.s. 6d. each, and in cases containing 6 times the
quantity, ls. each, of all chemists. Sent to any
address for 30 or 132 stamps, by the Proprietor, V. J.
CLARKE, Chemist, Lincoln.

This excellent Family Medicine is the most
effective remedy for indigestion, bilious and liver
complaints, loss of appetite, drowsiness, giddtnees,
spami, and all disorders of the stomach and
bowels, or where ah aperient is required, nothing
can be better adapted.
For FEMALES, these Pllmsre truly arellent,
removing the distressing headache so very pre-
valent, depression of spirits, dulaness of sight,
nervous affectionn, blotches, pimples, and sallow.
ness of the skin, and give a healthy bloom to the
complexion. Sold by anl Ohenmsts, at 1i. ljd; and
is. 9d. ner box.

BOND'S MARKING INK.-CAU-
TION to WHOLESALE and RETAIL VENDORS.
Hickison and another v. Murphy." On 20th November,
1877, judgment was given for the Plaintiffs with costs, and
damages and a PERPETUAL INJUNCTION granted,
RESTRAINING DEFENDANT and her Agents from
USING the word BOND. Proceedings will be instituted
by the undersigned against all persons DISOBEYING
the said INJUNCTION.-J. HICKISSON. Proprietor of
the Daughter of the late John Bond's- Crystal Palace
Marking Ink, 75, Southgate-road, London. And will
prosecute in every case of colourable Imitation to pro-
tect my right and property.

SIRSS. S. AI. ALl

13451 TOTTW3BZW.AK1W OOO1T EO.&D

ITS SIMPLICITY IS ITS RBOOMMENDATION.

EVERYBODY HIS OWN PRINTER,
The want long felt for a simple and effective Printing Press
with which everybody can easily print and produce good work
has been supplied by the Newly-Patented
S -W. M. "3 T M:IMT 0-
"MODEL" PRINTING PRESS,
Which can be worked by a child of ten years.
PRESS, INCLUDING TYPE AND ALL ACCESSORIES, FROM 5.
PATENTEES AND MANUFACTURERB,
C. G. SQUINTANI & Co.,
S18, LIVERPOOL STREET, LONDON, E.C.
send for an nlautrated Pamphlet "How to Print," contanilng an
abridged History of the Art of Printiti, Instructlons in Printing
General Catalogue of Pr.ntin Materials. asteisma of Type, e., poei
tree seven stamps.

THE GOOD OLD ENGLISH REMEDY.
KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.
For upwards of half a century KAYE'S WORBSDELL'B
PILLS have been esteemed as the best remedy for the
prevention and cure of disease. Their use frequently
renders the doctor unnecessary. Sold by all Chemists at
Is. lid.. 2s. 9d., and 4s. 6d. per box.
ONE SHILLING (pot free 15 stamps), the
AMERICAN POCKET TIMEPIECE (patented).
Size of an ordinary watch, strong metal case, steel
works, balanced action, enamelled dial, glass dome.
Each denotes correct time, and is warranted for two
years. Caution.-To be procured only from the under-
signed. All orders executed by return post. J. B. PIL-
LINGER, 7, Church-road, Upper Norwood, London.

From Mr. Trattles, Jet Works, Staithes, Yorks---"
had been suffering for a considerable time with a most
severe cold and cough. and being summoned on a jury,
just before returning into court I had a most violent fit
of coughing. I put a wafer into my month, and, as if
by a charm, the cough ceased."
Sold at Is. lid. and 2s. 9d. per box.
A. ChURmE FOR A T.X.L I

This invaluable RMBDY. f well rubbed into'the system, will
reach any internal complaint. It cures Sores, or Ulers en the
THrOAT m TOMOHULIVRB aSPINme or otherprts. Por
BAD Ids. OLD WOUNDS, ores, G6UT, BHUMATIM.
ni alle Skoin DIneasi.i Is, it i eaoasle
LONDON AND COUNTY ADVANCE AND
DISCOUNT COMPANY (LIMITED).
OPASH ADVANCES, from 10 to OAiC
without preliminary fees or deductions, forlntsre.-.
for shoQrt or long periods, reppyable by easy instalments,
at moderate rates, upon personal seoarity, life poUcles,
furniture without removal, deeds, stock, bonds hai, _A0
liseounted. Forms gratis. 1 '
JOHN STONA Secretary,
Offices--55 Farringdon Street. E.OX ,Y
PROVIDE AGAINST ACCIDENTS
by taking a Policy of the RAILWAY PASSEn-
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largest Accidental Assurance Company. Hon. A. Kin-
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COMPENSATION. Apply to the Clerks at the Railway
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WILLIAM J. VIAN, Secretary.

men'sS WORLD'S HAIR RESTORER. I

PERFECTION.-Mas. S. A. ALLEN'S WORLD'S HAIB RESTORER
never fails to restore Grey Hair to its youthful colour, imparting to it new
life, growth, and lustrous beauty. Its action is speedy and thorough,
quickly banishing greyness. Its value is above all others ; a single trial
proves it. It is not a dye. It ever proves itself the natural strengthener
of the Hair. Sold by all Chemists and Perfumers.
MRS. S. A. ALLrA ha for over 40 years manufactuwed these two
preparations. They are the standard articles for the Hair, They
should 'never be uwed together, nor Oil nor Pomade with either.
MRS. S. A. ALLEN'S ZYLO-BALsAmum, a simple Tonic and Hair
Dressing of extraordinary merit for the young. Premature loss of the
Hair, so common, is prevented. Prompt relief in thousands of cases has
been afforded where hair has been coming out in handfuls. It cleanses
the hair [andiscalp and removes Dandruff. Sold by all Chemists and
Perfumers.

-1jA.

LT... ZYT.- ALSAMUM

POWELL'S

BALSAM

ANISEED.
POB
COUGHS, INFLUENZA, BRONCHITIS, ASTHMA, &C,
Sholil be in Every Family. hold by all Chemstog,

-a U

T I M

Asi

.4

OMIC3-11TA.T.3p,

Tw-AN6-iLL-

FOR THE WEEK ENDING SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 18i78.

[ONE PENNY.

THE COMIC COMPANION TO THE NEWSPAPER.
SOUR TRUE INTENT IS ALL FOR YOUR DELIGHT."-Shakespeare.

THE WESTMINSTER HARLEQUINADE.
HARTINGTON.-NOW, THEN, ARE WE GOING) TO GET ANOTHER SURPRISE ? WHAT IS THERE IN THIS P
6 GLADSTONE.-WHAT, INDEED! THE QUESTION IS-IS .THERE ANYTHING IN IT P,

FUNNY FOLKS. .

SATURDAYA, JANUARY 19, 1878.

THE MAN IN THE STREET.

HE latest bulletin is, Temple Bar is
sinking rapidly." It cannot survive
many hours. Poor old Bar! II
passes away amid almost univer-
j sal execration. Yet there music
be one touch of pity for it in
the Civic heart. The Memory
T of Temple Bar '! might fitly be a
toast at a Civic feast on the
night of its demolition. The
speech proposing it could not be
duller than Civic speeches gene-
rally are; and no doubt
the Lord Mayor could
get the permission oi
the Civic toast-master for
it to be drank in solemn
2- S silence. The effects of
the removal of the Bar
Swill be many; but that
which threatens to be
most calamitous is the
) effect on unfortunate
"swells" who "never go
East of Temple Bar."
They will now have no
line of demarcation, and it is possible that a
"swell" may actually be in the City without
knowing it!
Those Americans are incorrigible. Nothing is
sacred to their love of fun. A girl has been born
in Michigan with three arms, and thereupon a
paper remarks that this looks as if holding hair-
pins in the month were going out of fashion I
The inquiry Why does a miller wear a white
hat ?" has been satisfactorily met. The analogous
query, Why does an M.P. wear his hat in the
House ?" yet awaits solution. It amazes foreigners
to see this relic of Petcy-Session snobbishness and
Barrack-room vulgarity surviving in our Legis-
lative Chamber. The Yankee who puts his legs
on the table of the House aud spits himself a
nimbus of tobacco-juice around the chair in which
he rocks, is not guilty of worse taste. Yet there
are still gentlemen in the House. What is Mnore,
there are ladies too ; for though they are caged,
yet the cage hangs on the wall within the Chamber,
and it is mere absurdity to pretend to ignore the
presence of its inmates as a plea for vulgar bearing
and rowdy manners.
The "law's delay is becoming something more
than a mere phrase. The scarcity of judges is
only equalled by the scarcity of courts. Cases are
handed from the Queen's Bench Division to the
Common Pleas and vice versa in the most bewil-
dering fashion ; solicitors and counsel are at their
wits' ends to get their causes tried ; and as for the
unfortunate suitors who have to pay the piper,
their condition is pitiable indeed. And yet there
is no provision in the new Judicature Act for its
being worked on the block system.
No one would suspect the Daily News of a
covert attack on Lord Beaconsfield. It loves him
too well not to say openly and with gusto any
disagreeable truth which might do him good. So
I will acquit it of any design to give the following
paragraph from one of its leaders the significance
it gets by merely using a capital letter in the
word I have emphasized: "We have not to go
back ten years in history to be reminded that. if
the rulers of a State are inclined to be reckless in
their dealings, they can draw their people on to
that DIzzY edge of war, where, as on the verge
of a precipice, arises the wild, often unconquer-
able, impulse to make a sudden plunge."
The management at the Queen's has intro-
duced some startling novelties in Fatherland, but
the most startling of all is that promised in the
following advertisement-" Bonnets allowed in
the Balcony stalls. They (sic) are precisely the
same as those in Orchestra stalls, and from these
the best view is obtained of the magnificent scenic
effect." What, in the name of Lindley Murray,
does this mean ? Are ladies expected to come to
the Balcony and Orchestra stalls wearing bonnets
"precisely the same ;" or if this be impossible, will
bonnets precisely the same be distributed
gratis ? Failing this interpretation, is it to be
understood that the Balcony stalls are "precisely
the same" as the Orchestra stalls, and if so how
can "the best view of the magnificent scenic
effect" be obtained only from the latter ? Or is
the best view" obtainable only by wearing a
bonnet ? Or what is it ? To pursue the problem
further would be to run the risk of imitating the
example of the gifted writer, who in this maze of
bonnets has evidently lost his head.
Whatever is the Times coming to ? Is it the
new editor whom we must blame for the constant
mistakes in orthography now disfiguring the
Thunderer, or that traditional "reader" who is
said to forfeit a guinea for every mistake that
slips through the press ? If it be the latter, he
lost at least three guineas last Wednesday, for we
read in the theatrical advertisement column that
(Fatherland is being spoken of) "All the
accessories are in strict conformity with the
period of the play." And in the same paragraph,
"No expense has been spared to produce the
drama in a fitly manner." Again, in another
column, Sir Drummond Wolfe is made to say
that our legislative statesmen and everybody in
general "depreciated war ;" whereas all they do
is to "deprecate" it, which is a very different
thing. For instance, we do not on the above
account wish to depreciate the Times, but we
certainly "deprecate" the repetition of such care-
less blunders.
The Times does not, however, monopolise all
the errors-at least if we may judge from the
Daily Telegraph's recent description of a fire in
Leadenhall-street: "The engines from Watling.
street promptly attended, and succeeded in confin-
ing the building to the basement." Perhaps,
though, this is not a blunder; the Peterborough-
court euphemism for expressing that a house was

not destroyed may be that it still adhered-or
remained confined-to the basement.
Mr. De Morgan is a disappointed man and a
s martyr. He thought a few weeks ago it would be
e a grand and noble thing to be haled off to Hollo-
t way Gaol, and there to rot (more or less) in
defence of his fellow-countrymnen's liberties. But
t the champion of open spaces has already found
a out that the shut-up and straitened accommoda-
tion of a prison is not at all as nice or as glorious
E as he could wish. It is one thing to pose as a
e martyr with all the world watching you;' quite
e another to be clapped into a whitewashed cell,
e and made to sit on a three-legged stool without
a tear falling at one's sufferings. The world not
t only went on as usual, but so did all the news-
papers, except the one De M. used to edit. This
f is what galled the open-space champion, though
r he does not say so in his letter to the Tower Ham-
lets Radicals; and if the country does not soon
take some notice of this disinterested patriot's
r position, he maybe tempted to purge his contempt
t and put an end to his martyrdom.

AN EXPLANATION,
[" The charge of 'meaning war' is false on every lip
that utters it, false in every column that publishes it.
No one can detest war more heartily than we do, or hope
more earnestly that England may be spared from the
necessity of declaring it."-Daily Telegraph.]
Why, of course so. Don't we know it-that, of all
a wicked Press,
You alone, benignant journal, wag the tongue of
truth and peace ?
Don't we recollect the fervour of your sense of
righteousness,
When you-well, we'll say discovered Gladstone
trying to rouse Greece ?
Don't we think of man-and-dog fights with a
sympathetic sigh,
And poor Osman suicide by your charitable
quills ?
In your columns, soothing D.T., any man with half
an eye
Sees the milk of human kindness trickling down
in tender rills.
Do you ever flaunt your red rags in the phrenzied
eyes of Bull ?
Why, of course not. You are governed by a soul
so debonair,
That when sea-serpents fail, and times are dullest
of the dull,
Does your Stanley flash his powder ? Not a bit-
he uses prayer;
And with bland, persuasive leaders, from back
numbers choicely culled,
Don't he bring the nasty niggers to their wicked
heathen knees,
And leave hosts of thick-lipped nations as he passes
gently lulled
Into Constant Readers, singing all their hymns in
Sala-ese!
Does F. Arnold sound the clarion?-does R.
Williams bang the drum ?
Never Lutes and mandolines alone are studied
in the Court;
And they tootle and they tinkle till the dogs of war
are dumb,
And the Quakers are a body that takes refuge at
the Porte.
Other prints may gush their war cries, gasp their
glorious calls to arms,
And proclaim absurd peace-lovers blatant knaves
or drivelling sots;
Your benign pacific English (for it's sometimes
English) charms,
Like the prose of Tupper blended with the verse
of Dr. Watts.
Now, we know your 'mild assertions, England's
honour calls for Blood,
Are your own droll ways of asking lambs and lions k
to be friends.
When you shriek out "Rule Britannia ",in a treble
key-why, lud !
It's your view of the Old Hundredth, and so there
the matter ends.
When you bully poor Carnarvon, or suggest that we
shall seize
Everything, from Kew to Khiva, all you want is
moral force.
So in future we will read you upside down to see
with ease
When you bellow, you mean bleating. Oh, not
braying-no, of course !

CASTLES IN AIR.
To the Editor-of "Funny Folks."
SIR,-Directly I read of the great and important
discovery of the French chemist, M. Cailletet, and
its probable results, my prolific brain gave birth to
an idea so brilliant that it is with great difficulty
I can refrain from changing from my present
somewhat undignified abode into more suitable
apartments on the strength of it.
You will have read, sir, that the chemist I have
named, whom I shall pension for life handsomely
when my scheme is at work, has succeeded in
liquifying the air we breathe.
That being so, science tells us that it can be
solidified also; and that, ere long, it will there-
fore be possible-I quote a well-known scientific
journal-to obtain "lumps of air."
Yes, sir, "lumps of air ;" and "lumps of air "
in my scheme will mean lumps of gold for myself
and the fortunate man whom I allow to share with
me my great notion.
And you, sir, are the man I
Gratitude for the pleasure you have afforded
millions, and faith in your genius, prompts me to
offer you the chance to fill up a cheque for the
preliminary and' personal expenses of the brilliant
idealist-meaning me-and so to secure a moiety i
of this certain fortune.
My glorious notion turns on the possibility of
obtaining "lumps of air;" remember that I
Now, why do people go to Madeira for the
winter, and to Iceland for the summer, and to the
Antipodes for the voyage ? c
Why ? Why, for the air, to be sure, that is to
be obtained only at those places.
Now do you begin to see my plan ? 2
I go to Funchal to begin with, let us, say, and 1
I erect air-solidifying works there, and begin

I

turning the salubrious atmosphere into lumps, and
packing it in tins for exportation.
Meanwhile you are in England, preparing the
market. You put in your excellent paper such
lines as this :
"Advice to Consumptive Patients intending to
go to Madeira !-DoNT 1"
And you add in your humorous way the reason
-viz., that in effect, Madeira is coming over to
them, in, let us say, for the sake of illustration,
four-and-sixpenny and nine-shilling tins.
Our warerooms in London would include the
assorted airs of the world, excepting perhaps
lumps of the Grotto del Cano asphyxiation atmo-
sphere, which, though it would be in great demand
by baby-farmers, we could not keep with safety.
Consignments of Nova-Zemblan air for the dog
days; ozone pills; air lozenges for divers and
miners; Brighton air, for the use of City mer-
chants who don't give their clerks holidays ; cheap
packets of Margate-jetty air, for alfresco use in
Houndsditch ; bricks of torrn-id air for hot-houses ;
and in short, every conceivable sort likely to be in
demand we should be'in a position to supply;
whilst those too poor to indulge in whole tins or
cases might come to our retail rooms and have a
dozen or twenty sniffs of any air they liked to
name for a small fixed charge. The papers would
contain, as a daily advertisement:
"ASK FOR CAILLETET's AIR LUMPS, AND SEE
THAT YOU GET THEM."
I think a cheque for fifteen pounds will do to
begin with, to meet expenses already incurred and
also to show your good faith.
N.B. And don't cross the cheque, as my banker
is out of town.
I reckon on your confidence, and remain,
Yours faithfully,
MICAWBER A. DIDDLER.
P.S. Should you be out of cheques or anything
of that sort, don't hesitate to send a P.O.O., even
if it is only for a couple of pounds. My nearest
office is High-street, Shoreditch.

HOSPITAL FOR THE VICTIMS
OF FASHION.
At a time when the heart is most open to
appeals we feel confident that our readers will
peruse the list of cases now in the Park-lane
Hospital for the Victims of Fashion, only to
respond with the toys which the sufferers implore.
CASE A 7.-Confirmed Anchylos of the instep.
Miss Ethelinda X- Admitted June, 1877.
Had been from an early age led to believe that a -
disproportionately small foot was a mark of aris-
tocratic origin. Had always worn a boot two
sizes too small and silk stockings. First attack
at eight; second seizure at fifteen, when she
began croquetting. Was laid up four weeks
after a return from Paris, where she had bought
a stock of bottines de luxe, and tried them all on
to "pass" the customs officers. Had never been
able to what you call walk, much less run.
Chiropodists had been in vain. Begged to have
a pair of Pompadour slippers to play with, or even
a copy of Cinderella to read.
CASE B. 4.-Comatose Epidermis, Miss Crissie
Liss, 19. Had been under private treatment.
Insensible for some depth under the scarf skin.
Cause of lack of feeling, exposure to meteorolo-
gical changes while wearing the princess dress,
to assume which Vith extreme closeness to fit, it
was necessary to have little superfluous garments
between it and la bouffe naturelle."
CASE M. 3.-Stiff elbows. Miss Waire Gusshe.
Never ill. till this year. Having adopted the
fashionable precaution- to baffle pickpockets by
keeping her hands straight down in her low-set
jacket-pockets, the position had become habitual,
and the elbow-grease (oleo elboricce) congealed.
CASE C. 6.-Wryneck. Misses Crumlaskie (2).
Had been given to wearing the modern Vandyke
collar. In order to display it, had repudiated any
defence to the neck during even cold. weather.
Wished a nodding mandarin or a balancing doll.

THE NEWEST OF NEW
NOVELS.
"The Prizefighter's Son," by the author of The
Miller's Daughter."
"Over the Way," by the author of "Under the
Will."
"Miss Fretful," by the author of "Lady
Grizel."
"Green Gooseberry," by the author of Cherry
Ripe."
"Not for Joseph," by the author of "For
Percival."
The Loan of the Oyster," by the author of
"The Return of the Native."
"A Middlesex Image," by the author of "A
Sussex Idyll."
"On the Hop," by the author of "Off the
Reel" (in the Mirror of Literature).

A Mayd Man.
There is joy in the breast of Lydia Becker, and
Miss Frances Power Cobbe daneeth the lively sara-
band in the camp of the Women's Righters.
Somebody has actually gone and appointed a Mayd
to be Recorder of Bury St. Edmunds!

A Nice Point,
The Echo does not approve 6f Mr. Forster's
remarks on Disestablishment, on the ground that
he has publicly and conspicuously separated himself
on that "which may before long become a burning
question." But isn't tb-h best treatment of a
'burning question" ice-olation P

A Rapid Recovery.
Look on this par and on this'r
"Jane Shore, in crossing the Westminster-road
on Friday, the 4th instantt was knocked down by a
conveyance and sustained a fracture of the leg."-
Lloyd's News.
"Jane Shore, to-night, Saturday (the 5th inst.)
was running with even more than usual success,
and bid. fair to long continue to do so."-Morning
laper.

NEW NEWSPAPER ,ERA,
Among other original proceedings Queen
Isabella has been writing letters to the Figaro
and other journals, explaining what she calls her
"policy.".. Her Catholic Majesty is seldom worth
imitating very closely; but in this instance,
perhaps, an adoption of the ex-Royal Spanish
plan might smooth down a few international
difficulties. For example, we should like to see
this kind of thing now and then: -
To the Editor of the "Golos," St. Petersburg.
SIR,-Having seen in your estimable sheet that
mine is a policy of aggression against Russia
under any circumstances, I shall feel obliged if
you will grant me a little space in which to declare
what my policy really is. It may be summed up
in the words of a native poet of distinction-The
Russians shall not have Constantinople. As to
the meaning of my visit to Lord Beaconsfield, its
purport was merely to settle whether my new
Order of the Crown of India should be worn on
a green ribbon or on an orange one. And I
think that giving the Order to your own
Grand Duchess was a signal proof of the friendly
feelings of yours, VICTORIA R.

To the Editor of the "Dibats."
SIR,-We have all given up writing French, as
you know. Otherwise I would address you in
your own frivolous tongue. I want to know what
you mean. Why do you allude to me as subtle,
designing, underhand? I, the bluntest, most
dangerously-outspoken statesman! Haven't I
always been a good friend to France ? Didn't I
get rid of the Empire for you? Do let us be
friends. I am quite satisfied with Alsace, for the
moment. When I want more, I'll tell you. I'm
so frank and fair, I am. BISBMARCK.

NOTES ON THE OLD MASTERS
R.A.
[Br Ova Owx NOTIST.]
"Girl and Kitten," by Sir J. Reynolds. (Por-
traits, Kit-Cat size.)
"A Gipsy Scene," by Gainsborough. (Scene
but to be admired.)
"Countess of Derby," by Rubens. (A very
winning Derby.)
"Portrait of Lord Strange," by Rubens.
(" Strange, but true "-to life.)
The Wheel of Fortune (Holbein) and The
Windmill" (Cotman), both exemplify a revolution
in art.
"Portrait of a Youth," by Leonardo da Vinci.
(This Young Master is an excellent specimen of the
Old Master.)
St. Michael," by Raphael. (A very fine St.
Michael too; a study in orange.)

IMITATION THE SINCEREST
FLATTERY.
Single-word titles for papers having become the
rage, as in Truth, Mirth, and Health, it has been
suggested that the idea is by no means" exhausted,
but that we may look for additions like the follow-
ing:
Wealth-A Magazine for Capitalists.
Stealth-A Diurnal of Appropriated News.
Tilth-An Agricultural Review.
Filth--LA Journal of Sanitation.'
Troth-Leaves for Lovers.
Froth-A Paper for Publicans.
Broth-The Cook's Companion.
Kith-A Miscellany for Next of Kin.
Smith-A Newspaper for Everybody.

Daring and Doing.
In consequence of his noble conduct to the Welsh
miners during their long sufferings, Lord Aberdare
is by Royal patent to be allowed to assume the title
of Lord Aberdare-to-do-right!

"A (Ger)man and a Brother."
One of the German masons employed at the Law
Courts has been trying to shoot the foreman in in-
dignation at not receiving more than fourpence an
hour. The Echo calls him "an irate workman."
Probably because he objected to a low rate of wages.

Conclusive.
Colonel Burnaby relates that the Russian system
for converting Mahomedan women to Christianity
is to take away their trousers and retain them until
they are baptized. This clearly shows that Turkish
women are not the down-trodden class they are
generally supposed to be. Else how comes it that
they are so persistent in wearing the trousers?

Emigrants Extraordinary.
The Cleveland Mercury announces the sailing for
Queensland of the ship Scottish Knight, having on
board 258t adults," which number, it goes on to
say, comprises "thirty-one children between the
ages of twelve and one, and six infants." The
novelty of adults aged one, or even twelve, is
startling; but what are we to s ,y of that odd half
emigrant? Is he going to emulate the example of
the famous nursery hero (name unknown) who
"came over in two ships ?"

NAVAI MATHEMAT ,-s.-" Out-trigi "-nometry.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1878.]

PUNNY FOLKS.

THE O'GORMAN AT WATER-
FORD.
[It is Just possible that the following report of the
O'Gorman's speech at Waterford may contain some
errors; but generally, and more particularly in omit-
ting the commendation phrases, such as "accursed,"
"horrible," and "infernal," applied to the House of
Commons, we may state that oar reporter has im-
proved on the original.]
The Sassenach omadhaun base
Is again causing Erin disgrace :
What a pity the brutalized race
Wasn't wiped out by Billy the Norman!
Then Erin, first gim of the say,
Would be able to have her own way,
And be happy wid nothing to pay,
And rejoice in a royal O'Gorman.
I would niver demane meself so
As with Saxons to Parlimint go,
Where injustice to Oireland they show,
From the Premier down to the doorman,
If I didn't belave that some night
Me grand oratorical flight
Would scatter our foes left and right,
And victory rest with O'Gorman.
By St. Patrick we can't get a glass
On Sunday till after the mass,
Through Sassenach ignorance crass-
I'd as soon be a Hindoo or Mormon ;
Sure we cannot be christened or wed,
Keep a shnug cheerful wake o'er the dead,
Or pepper an agent wid lead,
In peace, as me name is O'Gorman.
Faith the Saxon might lave us content
Wid parties, and pigs, and no rent,
And aid us whin cash is all spent,
Or we've pestilence, famine, or storm on;
'Tis the last that the spalpeen should do,
For such fine boys, me darlints, as you.
Singin' Whack-fol-de-riddle Hooroo!
And belave in your mimber, O'Gorman.

"D. T." FABULA NARRATUR.
Very wonderful things have come out of
Peterborough-court since it has been made noto-
rious by the publication of what the wags now
call the TurTeygraph; but what we have vainly
looked for, and fear it is hopeless to expect, is that
quality admirable even in bad men-consistency.
For a long time it seemed as though our con-
temporary meant sailing under the blood-red flag
of war; and it shrieked more and more, almost
nailing its colours to the mast, and fighting it out
to the last man and last gun. But no sooner did
its sanguinary declaration call forth a chorus of
disapprobation, than it turned out that the flaunt-
ing war flag was not fastened to the mast by so
much as a tintack, or even a crooked pin, and
without a word of warning down it was hauled,

and up went, metaphorically speaking, Joseph
Moses Levy's shirt front in its place.
Naturally the surprise at the sight of the white
peace flag was great; but before it was well over
down it went-perhaps the proprietor wished to
go to the first night of Fatherland in it-and
up again flew the blood-red ensign; and, as a
matter of fact, we are never quite sure now
which flag will be up when we come down to
breakfast, but feel like the Frenchman who every
morning asked his valet What sort of a day is it,
andwhatform of government have we ?" People
who do not change their politics daily, however,
take refuge in the Daily Chronicle. That is
consistent.

THE "FUNNY FOLK'S" BIRTH-
REGISTER.
"Dec. 5, at Rangoon, the wife of E. G. Man,
Esq., of a son." (What a precocious child !-he's
actually a Man already !)
"Dec. 14, at Akola, India,,the wife of Fred.
Wright, Esq., of a son." (Wright you are!)
"Dec. 22, Mrs. John Farmer, of a son." (A
baby-Farmer, of course.)
"Dec. 25, thfe of T. Roth, of a daughter."
(Another Roth's-child.)
"Dec. 28, Lady Florence King, of a daughter."
(Query, infant King or baby Queen ?)
"Dec. 29, the wife of H. D. Adamson, of a
daughter." (Not so much Adamson as a
daughter of Eve.")
Dec. 30, the wife of Major G. H. Candy, of a
daughter." (Sweet child!)
Jan. 4, the wife of Alfred Drake, of a son."
(A little duck !)
Jan. 4, the wife of T. Neame, of a daughter."
(What's her Neame, wo wonder P)

DIRE EXTREMITIES.
A local paper publishes the following remarkable
testimonial in [reference to a well-known patent
liniment: Sir,-I have suffered from chilblains
regularly every winter for many years, and have
tried all sorts of remedies in vain. I was advised to
apply your liniment to my hands and feet, which I
did, and am happy to say that they almost
immediately disappeared." Rather strong liniment
this. Wouldn't most people prefer the chilblains ?

Absit Omen.
Biographers,as a rule, are plentiful enough, but
what an exceptional man it will require to edit
thoroughly The Life, Letters, and Postcards of the
Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone."
Pie!
There is a Baptist Chapel, nat in England, we
rejoice to say, where the members of the church
are such a "fishy" lot that the worldlings call
the baptistry-the Aquarium.

WAR DIALOGUES.
DURING A VISIT.
MR. SAILTRIMMER (who doesn't know w-?at
his host's opinions are, but is anxious to adapt
himself to them, whatever they may be). Fearful
state of affairs in the East, isn't it ?
VULGAR HOST. Awful l simply awful! But
we ain't a-goin' to put up with it much longer,
mind you.
MR. SAILTRIMMER (aside). He's a Turko-
phile, sure! (Aloud.)"No, indeed. That Czar-
VULGAR HOST. Sir ?
Mn. SAILTRIMMER. (aside). No, a pro-
Russian, by Jove (Aloud.) I mean the Sultan
must be told-
VULGAR HOST. Eh?
MR. SAILTRIMMER (aside). Oh! he must be
a Turkophile after all. (Aloud.) I was about to
remark that Ignatieff and his conspir--
VULGAR HOST (staring). What's he got to
do with it ?
MR. SAILTRIMMER (aside). Oh, confound
the fellow! He's Muscov to the backbone.
(Aloud.) My dear sir, I really only meant that the
maladministration in Bulgaria has alienated the
sympathies of-
VULGAR HOST (who owns house property
about Whitechapel). Why, I thought we was
talking' about the imposserbility of getting' in the
rents regular, consequent on this here depression
o' trade, you know.
MR. SAILTRIMMER (unspeakably relieved).
Oh!

THE TRADESMAN TRICK.
That was an ingenious but bad shoemaker in
Paris who threatened his lady customers that he
would put waxen models of their feet in his shop
window unless they sent him five hundred francs
by return of post. The bad part of the affair is
that he only wrote to the ladies who were affected
with corns, bunions, and other unsightly pedal
pests ; and it was the threat to reproduce these
corns and bunions in wax on the models, and to
append a ticket with the names, ages, and a few
general particulars of their owners, that caused
so many of his customers to send him the sum he
demanded. Fortunately he is to be prosecuted,
and, let us hope, severely dealt with, for otherwise
we might have an extension of the reprehensible
conduct to other tradesmen and tradeswomen.
Think, for instance, what exposures a fashion-
able modiste might make, if she exhibited the
shape of some of her fair customers before and
after lacing ; and gave full details and specimens
of the dress-improvers used by her to hide the
deficiencies of nature.

What consternation there would be in South
Belgravia and Westbournia, too, if the wine mer-
chants published the price of the wines bought by
would-be aristocratic families for the entertain-
ment of their friends and visitors 1 How their
visiting lists would fall off when the unmistakably
gooseberryish origin of their last dance champagne
was publicly posted up in their vintners' windows I
We repeat, then, that it is a very good job the
ingenious but bad shoemaker of Paris is to be
prosecuted, for very few customers, be they male
or female, are heroes or heroines to their own
tradesmen I

EN-TITLE-D TO NOTICE.
We understand that the World has been inter-
viewing Wilkie Collins; but, as we have not read
the article, we can only surmise that in all proba-
bility the interviewer, on entering, found Mr.
Collins engaged in a game of Hide and Seek with
Poor Miss Finch. Mr. Collins at one time hoped
to see his friend Basil and this young lady-a very
Queen of Hearts-Man and Wife, but the inter.
vention of a fascinating Woman in White (a sort of
New Magdalen), prevented the match, and the
young man cried off, throwing the care of his
fiance on Mr. Collins, who at once induced his
kind-hearted housekeeper to be, if not a mother, at
least an Aunt-to-Nina. So indignant was Mr.
Collins, that he at once instituted an action for
" breach" against the faithless lover, swearing that,
if necessary, he would turn the Moonstone into
money to prosecute the suit, and dividing his time
equally between The Law and the Lady. Mr.
Collins acknowledged that he was determined to
settle finally whether his charge were to be Miss or
Mrs. in the future, or No Name at all; but, on
being questioned further by the interviewer, he
doubtless assumed a very chilly exterior-became
Frozen Deep, in fact-and replied curtly that all
else must for the present remain A Dead Secret.

T he New Club.
We distinctly repudiate even the suggestion that,
instead of the Russell, the new ladies' club should
have been called the Bustle.

Airy Nothings.
Now that it seems probable that science will
soon be able to solidify air, and to actually com-
press it into lumps, air-houses will become tangible
realities; and the once ideal "castles in air" will
be residences as real as the tenements of Ayrshire.

Involuntary Felony.
Policemen sometimes err from excess of zeal.
Those stationed at Temple Bar have instructions to
prevent persons carrying off any portion of it, but
they need not have stopped the gentleman who, un-
fortunately for him, was carrying off some of the
dust in his eye!

6. The Retreat of the Sylvan Sirens. Where is the Lord
Chamberlain P
7. Sweet Things in Colorado Beetle Costume.
8. Sleeping Beauty not in the Comic Pantomime.

FUNNY FOLKS.

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1878.

VICTOR EMMANUEL.
Dead in his hard-won home,
Dead in his prime, in Rome !
That tells the story of a life which fills
Ears, like some mighty march,
Eyes, like a rainbow arch ,
From his own mountains to the Seven Hills.
A life where sun and shade
A wondrous chequer made-
A bold, medimaval, battling life of Lord,
Who, in wide eagle flights,
Swooped from his eyrie heights
And conquered kingdoms with a single sword.
His were no paper wars.
Chased like his Piedmont boars,
They flew who stood twixtt Italy and him-
Flew southward, till the last
Fanatic stood aghast
i At Rome's gates, plotting, glowering, and grim.
Enough it were for fame
If his predestined name
With two most radiant had but been allied :
Had he no sinew strained
But a roi faindant reigned
With Cavour, Garibaldi at his side !
But no: he did, he dared.
His dauntless falchion bared,
Not only with a brave, but loyal hand.
He knew no conqueror's lust,
And though triumphant, just,
Loved liberty no less than his own land!
He was no Arthur-true;
His virtues filtered through
Some earthly foibles, from a taintless spring;
Yet from all blame should save
These titles on a grave-
Pure patriot, valiant soldier, honest king.

AN ORDER THAT IS NOT
HEAVEN'S FIRST LAW.
It would be rude, perhaps, to ask who it is that
has obtained a commission on the last Order" so
graciously given by her Majesty; but, at the
same time, it is somewhat difficult to see who has,
or will get, any pull" out of it-to use a slang
term--except it be the jewellers who supply the
insignia.
We hope it is not high treason to suggest that
the ten royal princesses who head the list of
the decorated should club together for their
collars and jewels, and thus obtain the reduction
due to their wholesale requirements for a "family
order."
* And speaking of a Family Order," it would
seem at present that the Imperial Order of the
Crown of India is not much i orn; though it is '
difficult to suppose that even the youngest of the
princesses was very anxious for a new gewgaw to
put on on Drawing-room and State concert days.
For, as a matter of fact, all of them have already
had enough orders given them to make even the
most successfl hbagman envious.

SCIENTIFIC ECONOMICS. .,..
Nephew.-HULLO, UNCLE, WHATEVER ARR YOU DOING
Scientific Enthusiast.-WELL, YOU SEE, TOM, AS ARAMINTA HAS GONE OUT IN
THE FIELDS FOR HER MORNING WALK IN A LONG TRAILING DRESS, I MAY AS WELL
SECURE THE CATCH" FOR MY AQUARIA.

THE "FOLLET" OF THE comb, we should say that the crest would be more
MONTH. appropriate.
Old point lace is still extensively worn; of
Owing, possibly, to the depression in trade, course the chief point" about it is its age.
dresses will be worn longer than usual. In trimmings, ripe corn is much admired for
Ladies' riding habits will not be interfered with its wheat effect.
The Dona Sol is the now tunique, a kind of High Polish boots are la. node. (N.B.-The

It is to be noticed that the Gazette proclama- fourrean, from the design of an accomplished high polish may be obtained by the judicious use ITEMS FROM INDIA.
tion does not say where the new insignia is to be fourreau-ner. of blacking.) --
worn. This is kind and considerate of the "Party dresses" require a Liberal supply of Black stockings are worn with blue clocks-to It has been whispered that the'distribution of the
Gazette, for it thus leaves it to the individual materials-or Conservative ditto, as the case may keep time in stepping out. new Imperial:Order may give rise to some disorder.
princesses to wear it in any suitable vacant spot be. For little boys, velvet suits-very well indeed. If so, it is to be hoped it won't be catching.
that may happen to be r. Among the new Com-
covered; whilst an Order -- -- ,.panions of the Bath" are
worn in the hair, if of a I Asad Khan-a Jholy fellow
convenient shape, would also -- I (but Asad rascal all the
be a ceremonial novelty. II same)-and Meer Ali Khan,
There is no reason, again, \ heir to the Jam of Lus-
since ladies only are to re- I -h Who, if he's preserved, will
ceive the decoration, that it 1 i be the Jam himself some
should not take the form of C4,A!day--and a big "rpot" in the
a bracelet or pair of ear- ""'Iday-andbargain.
rings, or even a locket; or, a The new titlenof Regia
in fact, any pieces of jewel- Imperatrix is now regarded
lery individual members of as one of the tri of a
the Chapter may claim. political adventurer.
It has been said of India : An attempt is being made
".-efto cultivate tobacco in the
It we adid not given to us, North Western provinces
But we have it I" pected.
This is a compact state 4 At the Punjab they've had
ment of facts with a pecu- W I a "break down" in the com-
liar significance. Might it missariat department. Some
not be adopted as the motto of the officials have had to
of the I.O.C.O.I. ? dance to a pretty tune.
It is better perhaps, on the A hand-to-hand conflict,
whole, to look upon the has occurred at Sapparah
whole affair as the result between equal numbers of
of the Premier's Oriental Sikhs and Jowakis. It was
imagination, thanks to which Sikhs of one and half a
certain arbitrarily chosen dozen of the other.
ladies have become possessed No rain reported from
of a New Year's gift in the Pooree. Pooree-ng showers
shape of an expensive toy, much wanted.
which the staid and solemn
old Gazette cannot even
bring on itself to describe. EECT ON I -
TELLIGENCE.
GnEENocr.-The, Liberals
ABELL IGERENT are not showing any fear,
BABBLINGS. "Richards" in the field,
If the combatants draw who seem to have no fear
any more attention to that -whoeemofhaeOpposifeo
ranyt.whatever of the Opposition
Trojan Pass, they will have-whip."
Dr. Schliemann among PEItTI e "wipr."h
Dr. PERTH. Mr. Charles
them, as sure as sure. He's M'Lean has issued his ad-
fond of Trojan asstimesdress. Begging.letter writers
is the Doctor. THE WAR PARTY. and others will please note it is
If the proposed armistice Amused Working Man.-THE NOOSEPAPERS ARE RIGHT. THEY SAY THERE'S STILL A WAR PARTY IN THE COUNTRY, 'Glenearn, Perthhire, Esq.B.
is productive of peace in the AND HERE YOU 'AV 'EX. LISTEN! Glenearn, Perthshire, N.B.
end, it is said that mecha- Chorus of War Party.-" VE DON'T WANT GO 0FIGHT-BUT, BY JIN-GO IF VE DOO,
niciansloitering about Peter- VE'VE GOT THE SHIPS, VE'VE GOT THE MANS, VE'VE GOT THE MONEY TOO--OO !" Rich.
borough-court will have the They are growing vege,
power of Levy-rage sufficiently demonstrated Square bodices have come round again. T'he hair is still of various colours. . table tallow in Australia! The local wits say
before their eyes. The Spanish Carrick Mantilla still retains all The bonnet will be surmounted with feathers; the gardeners laugh and "grow fat!"
The artful old Danube has taken good care of its fashionable Carrick-teristics. indeed it will be quite the thing to have the up
itself this bitter weather. It is coated over-or The Cigale Toilette" has literally "jumped" side down. A Tempting Ophir.
shall we say over-coated ?-with an. ice garment. into popularity. It may be worn at cricket Veils will be discontinued, and ladies' faces will A emptying Ophir.
Suleiman Pasha must find Itchinan-ners and matches. Give a lady such costume as a present, appear as th-y did, before the "fall." They have found gold in South India, and on the
customs far from pleasant. But then, of course, and you make her "as merry as a grig." St strength of certain tons of quartz called Alpha-
the inhabitants are full of pluck-"up to the Fancy having one'smonogram carved on one's A BONE O CONTENTION.-The-'St. Ethelburga the shareholders won't find in the first find their
scratch," at any rate, comb. From the ordinary position of a lady's rered-os. Alpha-and Omega.

PANTOMIME EXTRA-
ORDINARY.
What a wonderful pantomime that is to be
produced at the Gaiety for the benefit of the
General Theatrical Fund I t will be jointly per-
petrated by no less than four authors-and big
ones, too-Byron, Burnand, Gilbert, and Reece,
and will be played by aristocratic amateurs. The
Era announces that Mr. Gilbert will himself
undertake Harlequin, but says nothing about his
three fellows, 'who will doubtless be in it" also.
NIow had we the casting of that pantomime, we
should assuredly pop jovial Mr. Birnand into the
parti-coloured bags of Clown, and allow Mr.
Reece, in the character of Pantaloon, to retain his
double eye-glass. As for Byron, what a Colum-
bine he would make l-long, and lithe, and grace-
ful, delighting countesses in the stalls and
duchesses in the private boxes.
Should the authors appear in the characters we
have ventured to suggest to them, the comic
business will inevitably be of a very novel and
original description. We beg to offer a single
scene : ._ , . iA *,.
SCENE-The Interior of a renchl Theatre. Enter
COowN (Burnand), PANTALOON (Beece), HARLE-
QUIN (Gilbert), and COLUMBINE (Byron).
CLOWN (turning somersault). Hillo I here we
ham!
PANTALOON. Ham I Oh, stow your gammon !
[Harlequin smacks him with wand.
CLOWN. Yah pork creature! Ain't I original
to-night ?
[Columbine trips across stage, beckoning on a
French Author, who appears wheeling his
lately-born Play in a perambulator. .
PANTALOON. Look there, Frankyl Here's a
chance 1
CLOWN. Little dissolute orphan I We'll
adapt it-I mean adopt it-my boy.
[Snatches French. Play, from perambulator.
Author goes on0unconscious of his loss.
PANTALOON. Oh, I say, here's a lark I Dress
it up as a one-act farce, and its daddy won't know.
the little poppet again.,
[Clown does so. Rt-enter French Author, Zooking
about him.
FRENCH AUTHOR. Here 1 I say, you've stoleWn
my Play !
CLOWN. Go,on Is this it? .
FRENCH AUTHOR. Well, it looks: .rather like
it, and yet---- .
S [Clown trips him up, and jumps on him.. Exit
*, ...French Author for embrocation.
PANTALOON. Here I I say, Franky, give me,
the babby. I'll disguise it as a five-act melo-,
drama, written to order for a provincial star. ,
| E' [Does so. Enter again French Author.
FRENCH AUTHOR. 'Now I'm sure one of y6u
fellows has got my child !
PANTALOON. You don't mean to say this is it ?i
FRENCH AUTHOR.'Wdll; it looks longer, and:'
yet-
[Harlequin, with a cynical chuckle, touches Play
with his wand,-when it at once rseumes its-
original appearance. Enter Dramatic Critics,
who cheer derisively. Clown and Pantaloon
aelt them with reproaches and explanations.
Grand rally, and change of scene.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1878.] FUNNY FOLKS. 2

"THE P IIG>R I M 1-------"--- -- ;------- "- ....... ..
THE PILGRIM. not the least doubt that before very long
(A LEGEND.) advertisements as the following will become
He left his hearth neathh distant skies, M common :
In Kino's Pilgrim Costume drest, I I WANTED, a strong, healthy man as law
He came with longing in his eyes, a- donclerk. Must not be less than six feet, and s
And hopes unbounded in his breast. weigh fifteen stone. A pugilist preferred.
High aims had made his life their own, T To SOLICITOns.-A gentleman who has
As on he pushed in ship or car, great experience in the galleries of theatre
He sang in hgh heroic tone, Boxing and other popular nights, wishes for a
rll e he li of Temple Bar." gagement. Will engage, by means of his e
No Lol del allourde him from his home alone, to edge himself into any crowd in the sh

S No Lourdei allourde him from his home poss i s actime.
He roamed not famous sights to see,. possible space of time.
Nor Pisa's tower, nor Mecca's tomb- A SAVING OF TIME AND MONEY mI
No base Meccanic mind had he. effected by using Gripper's Patent Legal Tong
He passed historic scenes of crime, Judges' Chambers they are inviuable, as a m
Of rage, of daring, love and war, moderate height can stretch them over the hes
His thought was-" Let me be in time a crowd, and thus speedily obtain his summons
To seethe last of Temple Bar." PROTECTORS F6R WEAK RiBS.-The
"I haven't seen famed Blondin or Prius Steel Corset is the only real prot
Heard great Macdermott's martial noise; against bruises and broken ribs.- No lawyer's
The Arc de Triomphe I ignore, should be without one. Q.C. writes: "I
I haven't even seen Our Boys. much pleasure in testifying to the efficacy of
They say the Colisseum's neat, admirable invention. I was jammed up at Ju
And few defects. the Kremlin mar; Chambers for half an hour, and sustained the v
I'm only yearning, I repeat, weight of a crowd without feeling the leas
To see the lastof Temple Bar." comfort."
Alas, for frail man's fond desire!
How many dangers passed he thro', MORE SONGS THEY OUG
By road, by rail, what perils dire -TO SING.
Chatham and Dover only know!TOSING
To see when last the Strand he treads The Promoter of Bubble Companies-" A ra
Masons engaged in angry war, plant."
And throwing at each other's heads The Enthusiastic Huntsman-" Merrily, in
The -very last of Temple Bar!. goes the bark."
T e lt The Persevering Turkey Fattener-" Fill
TYNDALL'S LECTURE TO The Bereaved..Quaker-" Friend after f
S CHILDREN,. departs."
(ITERALLY REPORTED.) A T R I F L I K E. The Retired Laundress-" From pole to po
NG MISTAKE. others roam."
Well, my little dears, and I'm going to tell co SCENE-At an Irissh Bank. The Contented Collier--" My lodging is on
something about a funny ickle ting that hurts little Lord SqUander.-OVERDRAWN, MR. O'HAGAN? WHY, I CAST UP THE PASS-BOOK coal ground."
boys and girls when they are not good, and don't MYSELF, AND IT SHOWED OVERa A THOUSAND IN MY FAVOUR.
mind Grandpapa Tyndall'sicldetalks. Thisfunny Mr. O'Hagan.-AH, ME LORD, IT'S A THRIFLING MISTAKE YE'VE lADE-YE'VE The Palais Royal Road to Wittin
ickle ting is called Heat. YO0 have seen it behind CAST THE YEAR OF OUR LORD INTO THE POUN'S. TROTH, IT'S ROWLING IN The new farcical comedy at the Palais R
Sthe nursery fender. (Tonimy Brl.:.v.nne yourickle RICHES WE'D ALL BE IF WE COULD 3NLY DISCOUNT AN.YNE DOMINY! Le Phoque, byDelacour and Hennequin, is
ankychief, do.) You have 6een it boil the water to be very funny. Let not England, however,
that isso largely reprESnt.d in your tea. Andze Ihopeyou never play with, Clara Smith. Coals LIMBS OF THE LAW, our Gaelic neighbours their laugh. Hasitnot
ickle eggs ze ieh laid for Mamma's breakfast. and a come from Mines. Mines are Holes. Miners its "Funny Phoques ?" .
Very ickle water for Ps pay's nasty t rong grog. don't like to be washed, like Jemmy Jenkins there, The scenes at Judges' Chambers are becoming
When it does that, it 7t a nice. good heat. But for nurse told me so, and I'm ashamed of him. a matter of notoriety. A firm of solicitors, Bantam Biens.
when naughty ickleboys try to light p:-ces of cane Heat makes Steam. And Volcanoes. And fries writing to a daily paper, says: "We sent a clerk The kingdom of Bantam is governed altogo
at it, and smoke them, it' a naughty heat, it is, iutton-chops. Or Pork. (Billy Robinson, it's to-day to Judges Chambers to obtain a common by women. The king is indeed a man, but
and always burns their inger.. and singes their rude to put out Tongues.) Steam makes the summons for time to deliver a pleading. It was Council of State, the soldiers, officers of State,
frocks; so that nurse shlaps them, and says they railways go. Puff I puff I puff I .- So you see, my not until he had made a considerable expenditure king's body-guard, are women. Theyoevenfem
'have fallen down, when Mamma asks what's the little dears, Heat's a very useful thing indeed. of physical force that he succeeded in obtaining the two works defending the capital, for these
matter. Heat, my little dears (Carrie Jones, don't Now nurses, take them away. entrance; and not until he had fought for twenty- not called forts, but fortresses.
put pins down little Bobby's back-pins are [Reflection heard in lobby: "I'd rather 'ave five minutes with the struggling multitude that he
wicked things-they hurt)-heat, my dears, is gone to the pantomime, so I would." obtained the summons." A PILL-ITE INQUIRY.-" What do you tak"
made with wood. And coal. And matches. Which Reporter's reflection: "And so would I."] This is a shocking state of affairs, and we have for ?"

H methought a look of anguish
Paled her cheek and dimmed
her eye:
Could I see my Laura languish,
Nor inquire the reason why ?
S"Darling, why this agitation,
Why that frown and pallid
cheek P"
SLaura murmured, "Bothera-
tion !"
What a dreadful word to speak!
"Laura," said I, speaking thickly,
"Once you did not treat me thus -"
But she. only answered quickly,
"Hail, oh, hail that omnibus!"
Down to Regent-street we trundle,
Laura silent all the way,
Carrying a paper bundle,
Looking anything but gay.
Soon we reached a shop where tables,
Shelves, and counters loaded were
With the choicest muffs and sables
Made for Beauty's winter wear.
Here was exquisite chinchilla,
Side by side with Astrakan,
Ermine, sealskin, grebe-'twould fi 1 a
Book if o'er the nimes I ran.
All was framed with best intention
To defy the wind and snow;.
But 'tis time that I should mention
What oppressed my Laura so.
Thus she spoke in accents tearful,
Dearest, I could not defer
This our journey-I was fearful
That the moth was in my fur."

FATHERLAND;
OR,
LABOUCHERE TURNED "PATRIE"-OT.

ACT I.
SCENE--The Old Meat Market.
CouNT RySOOR. Hark! The accursed tyrant,
Duke Alva, is letting off crackers to frighten the
populace.
LORD WHARTON. Yes, and there go two squibs.
But (proudly) I am an Englishman, and pyro-
techny cannot cause a tremour in this breast.
Enter THREE JUDGES.
JuDGES. Halloa here is an Old Meat Market !
We could not choose a better location for a little
judicial butchery. Ho, there! bring in the
prisoners.
Enter GUARDS with PROTESTANT PRISONERS
'JUDGES. Away with them! How beautifully
simple is the working of the law in Flanders.
COUNT RYsooR. I, too, am a Protestant
prisoner.
JUDGES. Away-
A SPANISH CAPTAIN. Stay! The count cannot
be guilty of anything whatever, because I saw him
talking to his wife between ten and eleven last
night. In wrenching my sword from me he
received a cut in the hand.
COUNT Rn SOOR (with eye-rollings and jaw-
droppings). I was not at home at that hour. Oh !
Dolores, Dolores, you naughty, naughty girl, what
have you been Sardou-ing P
ACT II.
SCENE 1-Room in Count Bysoor's House.
COUNTESS DOLORES. Karloo Van-der-Noot,
despite your ridiculous name, I love you madly!
KAHLoo. True Yet (doubtfully) it is scarcely
the thing, you know.
COUNTESS. Bah! silly boy Are we not both of
usadapted from the French?
[(Eit Karloo, cogitating.
Enter COUNT RYSOOR.
COUNT. Dolores, you have a lover!
COUNTESS. It would be absurd not to admit it.
Besides, I would rather save myself the trouble of
indignant denial. I may be a heroine of tragedy,
hut I am determined not to be otherwise than
impassive and lady-like, if I can help it.
COUNT. I shall discover your lover by the cut on
his hand, and I shall slay him! LExitfuriously.
COUNTESS. I will after him. As he made his
exit L., if I go R. I am sure to come upon his
track. Ha! ha: Methinks there shows my crafty
Spanish blood.
SCENE 2-A street. Enter JONAS, the Bell-ringer.
JONAS (who is recognized as Shiel Barry imme.
diately he opens his mouth). Bedad! this brogue
is a bother entirely; and how I come to be spakin'
it in the Netherlands is the divil's own mystery.
SCENE 3-The City 3foat (and a capital scene, Messrs.
Gordon and Harford). Enter the PRINCE OF ORANGE.
PRINCE. I am here to Orange a conspiracy
against Duke Alva.
Enter, through hole in city fortifications, COUNT
RYSOOR, KARLOO, and other COOSPIRATORS.
COUNT. Contrary to their usual custom, prince,
the citizens will rise at midnight. If all is well,
Jonas will, out of compliment to your highness,
Tring an Orange-peal, and you will enter with your

forces. If anything goes amiss, he will toll the
bell instead, and you will fly.
KARLOO. Hist! the patrol! [All hide.
Enter DUKE ALVA's AWKWARD SQUAD.
AWKWARD SQUAD. We have come to this
secluded spot to have a nice quiet drill.
[They drill. Conspirators surround and grapple
with them. Startling disappearance of entire
squad, and astonishment of audience.
PRINCE. Do not be alarmed. I am not Mr.
Maskelyne in disguise. We have merely popped the
squad through a hole in the ice! [Tableau.
ACT III.
SCENE-DukTe Alva's Palace.
DUKE (Mr. Hermann Vezin). Alack! alack!
that I should fall to be a dumpy duke, not appear-
ing until the third act of a very ordinary adapta-
tion.
LORD WHARTON. 'Tis hard, indeed; but you
should bear up. I (proudly) am an Englishman,
and my subordinate position in this play causes no
single tremour in my breast.
Enter ALVA'S DAUGHTER.
ALVA's DAUGHTER. I cough very naturally.
L [Does so.
DUKE. My child She is dying!
Enter KARLOO.
DUKE. You once rescued my daughter from a

sworn a solemn oat.never to produce a piece at
the Queen's that does not contain gun-firing, and
here is his opportunity. (To troops.) Fire !
COUNT. Ha! I am hit in the arm. Won't I do
myself up in a lily-white sling in the last act,
that's all ?
*Enter JONAS on a litter.
JONAS. Sure I'm kilt entirely for warning the
Prince of Orange wid me bells. And I've only,
clever actor as I am, had half a dozen lines to say !
Oh 'tis cruelty to dumb animals.

ACT V.
SCENE-,T ridge ever the Canal. Enter the CON-
SPIRATORS on their way to execution.
COUNTESS. I betrayed you, but I will plead for
your lives.
COUNT AND KARLoo. Not at all. We prefer to
die.
CoUNTESS (politely). Then I wouldn't interfere
for the world, I assure you. [Conspirators move on.
Enter LORD WHABTTON.
LORD WHAMON. I am an Englishman, and the
execution of others causes no single tremour in this
breast.
Enter DUKE ALVA and his DAUGHTEn.
ALVA's DAUGHTER. There! I heard two
explosions. They are shooting the poor prisoners

ODD FISH AT THE AQUARIUM.
(For which "Children of All Classes owe Mr. Robertson a Debt of Gratitude.")

1. Lualla, the Abyssinian Snake Charmer, in
her Anacondaskiptomaniacal performance.

--C

3. Benedetti, the Sword-swall er, who par-
takes daily of a small WoolwichZnal.

mob. Take a commission in the Spanish army, and
be happy.
KABLOo. Never!
[Throws his sword away, and exit.
Enter COUNTEss RYS ORp
COUNTESS. I would betray a conspiracy. I
followed my husband and overheard the plot.
(Goes into details.) There lies the sword of one
of the conspirators. I know it by the white ribbon
on the hilt.
DUKE. It is Karloo's sword.
COUNTESS. Oh! what have I done? But there!
the calm serenity of my manner manner must not be marred
by womanish lamentations.
[Tableau-Countess restraining herself by an effort.

ACT IV.
SCENE-The Town Hall. Enter COUNT PRYsOO and
KARLOO.
COUNT. It'is quite time I discovered the cut in
your hand.
KABLOO. Quite time. It's almost miraculous
that you haven't found it out before.
COUNT. No matter. I will spare your life, for
the sake of Fatherland.
Enter CONSPIRATORS.
CONSPIRATORS. Now to strike for freedom !
Enter ALTA and his TROOPS.
ALvA. No, you don't! Mr. Labouchere has

2. Pongar, the Chimpanzee, said to have been
mistaken by Mr. Biggar for an Obstructionist.

4. Dare, the One-legged Acrobat, in his
famous leg-act of Multiplication by One.

with cannon. Oh, it is too horrible! I die of
consumption. [Dies.
ALVA (in agony). And all because cod-liver oil
has not yet been invented !
CURTA'tN.

THE LONDON OF THE FUTURE.
[A GLIMPSE BY OUR OWN PROPHET.]
St: Paul's pulled down, because it impedes the
traffic.
The Thames Embankment carried as far as Green-
wich.
Awfully vulgar to go east of Kew Bridge.
Buckingham Palace the residence of the Lord
Mayor.
The Lord Mayor's Show underground, so as not
to interfere with business.

Of C-Horse He Is.
When an ardent lover is seen kissing the photo
of his adored, hardened cynics may call him a
donkey. But why is he really more like a horse ?
Because he is attached to a carte.
A PRICKLY PBRE.-The father of a hedgehog
family.

MEDICAL TRUTHS.
An Overwrought Patient" has been writing to
the Times contending that doctors should give
details in their bills, instead of sending them in
with one simple and comprehensive heading,
"Medical Attendance." "If tailors," says the
"Overwrought Patient," "were to send in their
accounts merely To clothes,' he would have no
scruple in having it out with them; but he cannot
so treat the doctor, and the latter has, therefore,
an unfair advantage." If the doctor would give him
some details, were they only dates, the over-
wrought" one would be greatly soothed.
We do not agree with this gentleman. If doctors
once begin to give details of ailments, some ex-
tremely unpleasant truths might be disclosed, and
many a household made a centre of discord. Fancy,
for instance, receiving such bills as the following:
MR. SMITH,
To -
JAN. 1.-Self. Removing indigestion caused by
Jones's bachelor party. Improving dilapidated con-
stitution.
FEB. 2.-Mrs. Smith. Making good liver, out of
order through tight lacing..
JUNE 25.-Master Smith.. Removing headache,
and thoroughly repairing inside. New coat to
stomach, worn out by stuffing.
Or to take another view of the matter, we might
get something like these:
EDWIN 'FITZCLAoENCE.-Severe fit of indisposi-
tion to work. (Angelini Spoonia.) Dose: A month
at Eastbourne. Writing certificate, "Sudden and
serious illness," for Mr. F.'s chief at the War
Office.
ANGELINA DE Cotrio;- Affection of the
heart. (Edwinins Spooius..) Dp9se: A month at
Eastbourne. Advice only.
Or to be still more minute :
MR. DYSPEPTIC,
To Mr. B. BOLUS. s. d.
Feeling pulse 24 times at 6d. . . 0 12 0
Looking at tongue 20 times at 6d. 0 10 0
Remarks of a soothing and encouraging cha-
racter (particulars supplied if required) 1 1 0
2 3 0
Allowances for medicine not used, and for
empty bottles and pill-boxes 0 5 0
1 18 0
No, this kind of thing is best not encouraged. It
is not desirable to make the doctor's bill more
unpleasant than it already is.

SERMONS IN STONE.
There are bad times in store for the masons!
According to a writer in the Times stone is rapidly
being superseded by concrete, and the almost
entire disuse of the former material is only a
question of time. Looking at these facts," says
the writer in question, "it is melancholy to see the
British mason with the terrible example of the
puddler and iron-worker staring him in the face,
refusing to take advantage of the remaining term
of his existence, and so hastening his inevitable
doom." The mason at present evidently does not
understand the question of supply and demand in
the abstract, but he may perhaps see it a little
clearer when it comes home to him in the concrete.

A Big Eleven.
Such is the influence the leading cricketers in a
big public school may exert on their fellow pupils,
that it is often found they eleven the whole lump.

"Dlux" and Drake.
The Rev. E. Drake has come to grief out with the
Old Berkeley foxhounds. In his eagerness to get in
at the death, Drake, you see, wanted to be Dux.

Theatrical Refreshment.
At the St. James's Theatre placards announce
that Salts Bitter may be had on draught. There
are many more agreeable drinks, one would think.
for theatrical refreshment, since, on the old logical
rule, Saltsbitter must be Bitter Salts.

CORRESPONDENCE.
Contributions are sent at authors' or artists' own risk,
and the Editor will not be responsible for them. or undertake to
return them. -
CLASSicus.-AJax was born at AJaccio.
A. BULL.-On Plough Monday, recently observed in
the City, there was naturally more business done in
shares.
M.P.-The Teller in the House uses the Aye "-openers
and the "Noes "-machine of which you have spoken.
WINIST.-We fear that much of the cheap port manu-
factured for Christmas hampers is made of yule log-
wood.
LITIGANT.-Itdoesn't matter how poor you used to be;
if you are well off now, you cannot sue "in former
pauperss"
GENERAL MITRE.-Lord Beaconsfield never advocated
Dizzystablishment.
ITALIANO. Cosmo de Medici was noted for his
affability towards visitors of every nationality; in fact,
he was a complete Cosmo-polite.

THESE FAMOUS PILLS PURIFY the BLOOD at e
.oen the LIVER and STOMACH, giving TONE, LN d a
:VIOUR to these great MAIN SPRINGS of IFE. Are vAe-
derfully eSffcaolous In all ailments Incidental to FEMALES.and
In cases of WEAKNESS and D]EBILITY. a powerful in.
vigoretor of the system.
A AMATEUR THEATRICALS or CHRISTMAS
AMUSEMENTS-Dundreary Whiskers, Is. 2d., Is. 8d.. and
2. 6d.: Full Beard and Moustaches, 2s. 6d. and 3s. 0d.; Venerable
Long White or Grey, s. 6d. Moustachrs to fit with spring 7d.,
with Imperial 10d.; Comsie ose. Is.; Negro Wies Is.6d., with
Brutus 'I. 6d., to fly ap 5s. All sent, well packed, post free. Wigs
.on Sale and Hire. Beamp for List. W. WALLERB. 49, Tabernacle
Walk. London. E.G.
ipROVIDE AGAINST ACCIDENTS
by taking a Policy of the RAILWAY PASSEN-
GERS' ASSURANCE COMPANY. The oldest and
largest Accidental Assurance Company. Hon. A. Kin-
naird, M.P., Chairman. Subscribed Capital 1,000,000.
Annual Income 210,000. A fixed sum in case of Death
by Accident, and a Weekly Allowance in the even of
'Injury may be secured at moderate Premiums. Bonus
'allowed to insurers of five years' standing. ACCI-
DENTS OCCUR DAILYI 1,230,000 has been paid as
COMPENSATION. Apply to the Clerks at the Railway
Stations, the Local Agent, or 64, CORNHILL, London,
WILLIAM J. VTIAN, Secretary.

ITS SIMPLICITY IS ITS OUtMMSxNDATIOX.

EiVEiRYXBOXDY IS OWN PRINTER,
.The want long felt for a simple and effective Printing Press
with which everybody can easily print and produce good work
has been supplied by the Newly-Patented
S E L. nF- I -XT IC< X :iT -
"MODEL" PRINTING PRESS,
Which can be worked by a child of ten years.
PRESS, INCLUDING TYPE AND ALL ACCESSORIES, FROM 5.
PATENTEES AND MANUFACTURERS,
C. G. SQUINTANI & Co.,
181, LIVERPOOL STREET, LONDON, E.G.
Send for an Illustrated Pamphlet "How to Print," containing an
abridged History of the Art of Printing, Instructions in P.rsotlgn
General Catalogue of Printing Materials. Iais'nso of Type, as..posit
free seven stamps.

COUGHS, COLDS, ASTHMA, BRONCHITIS AND NEURALGIA.
DR. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S CHLORODYNE.
A few doses quite effectual. OCAutIO.-The extraordinary medical reports of the efficacy of Chlorodyne render
It of vital Importance that the public should obtain the genuine which is protected by a Government stamp, bearing
the words "Dr. J. C oli Browne's Ohiorodyne." See decision of Vice-Chancellor Sir W. Page Wood, the Tmes,
July 16th, 184. Numerous testimonials from eminent Physicfans accompany each bottle.
From W. 0. Wnixz sox, Esq, F.R.C...Spalding. "I consider it invaluable in Phthiiss and Spasmodie Cough-the benefits
marked Indeed." From Dr. 'MaMama, of New GaUoway, Scotland.-" I consider it the most valuable medicine known."
WSold In bottles, Is. lides. 9d.,and4s. 6d. by all Chemists. SoleManufacturer. J.T.DAVENPORT., OGreatussell Street. London., W.O.

ONE SHILLING (post free, 15 stamps), the
AMERICAN POCKET TIMEPIECE (patented).
Size of an ordinary watch, strong metal case, steel
works, balanced action, enamelled dial, glass dome.
Each denotes correct time, and is warranted for two
years. Caution.-To be procured only from the under-
signed. All orders executed by return post. J. B. PIL-
LINGER, 7, Church-road,'Upper Norwood, London.]
EVE4Y ONE should Buy our ANTI-
AXMINSTER HKARTHRUGS for the million.
Warranted suitable for every home. Length 68in..
width 36in. Two sent anywhere on receipt of money
order, value 6s. 6d.; four for 12s. 3d.; payable to j.
LEWIS and CO., 9, Phillipp-street, Kingsland, London, E
RIMMEL'S AROMATIC OZON-
IZER, or Natural Air Purifier, certified by Dr.
Hassall to be the most effective and agreeable disin-
fectant ever offered, is a fragrant powder, producing
in a room by slow evaporation the refreshing and
healthy emanations of the Pine and Eucalyptus Forests.
In 40o. tins, price Is., by post for 15 stamps. RIMM L,
Perfumer, 96 Strand; 128, BRegent-etreet; and 24,
Corhlll, Loftion.

5 TO 500 on Personal Security;
e also upon Deeds, Life Policies, Shares, Warrants,
Plate, Jewellery, Furniture, &c., with and without
Sureties, repayable by instalments or otherwise, for
terms of from one month to three years. Forms gratis.
Bills discounted. Offices, open daily, 71, Fleet-street,
E.G., and 3, Pullou's-row, Iligh-street, near Duncan-
street, Islington.
W. M. READ, Manager.
Established 1838.
EXTRAORDINARY REGIS-
TERED INVENTION.-A MUSICAL BOX
for 2s. 8d., warranted, with the following popular
melodies: The Union Jack of Old England, Auld Lang
Syne, Safe in the Arms of Jesus, Home, Sweet Home,
The Minstrel Boy, Jesus of Nazareth Passeth By, Mollie,
Darling, and the Last Rose of Summer. Two for-
warded anywhere, carriage paid, on receipt of money
order, value is., payable to J. LEWIS and CO., 9,
Phillipp-street, Kingsland, London, N.

GOUT AND RHEUMATISM.

The excruciating pain of gout or rheumatism
is quickly relieved and cured in a few days by
that celebrated medicine,
33 -A.Z e'S
GOUT AND RHEUMATIC PILLS.
They require no restraint of diet during their
une, and are certain to prevent the disease attack-
Ing any vital part,
Sold by all Ohemiss, at In. lid. and 32. 9d,
per box.
"Les's than One Box of

LONDON AND COUNTY ADVANCE AND
DISCOUNT COMPANY (LIMITED).
CASH ADVANCES, from 10 to
e500, without preliminary fees or deductions,
for interest, for short or long periods, repayable by easy
instalments, at moderate rates, upon personal security,
life policies, furniture without removal, deeds, stock,
bonds, &c. Bills discounted. Forms gratis.
JOHN STONE, Secretary.
Offices-35, Farringdon Street, E.C.

11

PUNNY FOLKS.-ADVERTISEMENT PAGE.

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 1878.

THE NEW

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A WPONDXEIREFUEtI. NUEPlROVYM-ERMT
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JOHN GOSNELL & CO.

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The most Delicious & Efficacious Dentifrice known.
Sold by all Druggists and Perfumers.

BOWD'S MARKING INK.-CAUT-
TION to WHOLESALE and RETAIL VENDORS.
"Hickisson and another v. Murphy." On 20th November,
1877, Judgment was given for the Plaintiffs with costs, and
damages, and a PERPIlWTUAL INJUNCTION granted,
RESTRAINING DEFENDANT and her Agents from
USING the word BOND. Proceedings will be instituted
by the undersigned against all persons DISOBEYING
the said INJUNOTION.-J. HICKISSON, Proprietor of
the Daughter of the late John Bond's Crystal Palace
Marking Ink, 75, Soutbgate-road, London. And will
prosecute in every case of colourable imitation to pro-
tect my right and property.
4 6WE can honestly assert that
MACNIVEN & CAMERON'S PENS make long
spells of writing a positive pleasure."-Leeds Daily 6ews.
"They come as a boon and a blessing to men,
The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen."
1,400 new-popers recommend them to their readers.-
See the Graphic, 20 Feb.
THE COMMERCIAL PEN FOR FINE WRITING.
lERCIAL PEN

"They are a treasure."-Standard.
r 6d. and Is. per Box, at all Stationers. Specimen Boxes
containing all the k'nds by post for 13 stamps.
PATENTEES: MACNIVEN & CAMERON,
23, Blair Street, Edinburgh.

NIEWRALINE gives instant relief in
tjcdouloureux, neuralgia, sciatica, toothache,
rheumatsm, gout, and all nerve and local pains.-Mr.
Edgar, Butt Lighthouse, island of Lewis, writing to Sir
James Matheson: "Mrs. Edgar cannot express her
thanks to Lady Matheson for the Neuraline. It proved
the most successful remedy she had ever applied. The
relief was almost instantaneous." LEATH and ROSS,
Homaeopathic Chemists. 5, St.,Paul's Churchyard; and 9,
Vere-street, W. All Chemists, Is. lid..and 2s. %d.; by
Post, IL 3d. and.8a.
DEAR VANITY.-I wil begin my
letter this week by singing the praises of a medi-
cine which has the valuable property of curing what
all the world is suffering from at this season more or
less-namely, a cold in the head. It is called "Glyka-
linae," three drops of which taken at intervals of an
honr will infallibly do away with the most obstinate of
colds.-" Talon Rouge," VantyP Fair, March 17, 1877.-
Glykaline promptly cures colds, coughs, and all dis-
orders of the mucous membrane. LEATH and ROSS,
6, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9, Vere-street, W. All
Chemists; Is. lid. and S2. 9d,; by Post, s. 3d. and Is.

WRIGHT'S COAL TAR SOAP.
TS USED BY EVERY FAMILY OF
DISTINCTION IN THE OIVILISETS WORLD.
IStheMOST HEALITH-PRESERVING
Sl Acknowledged and recoramended by all the leading Medioal
J journals and the highest authorities in the Medical Profeession.
TESTIMONIALS.
lb"In our hands it has been most effective in
skin dikeases."-The ancet.
It is the only true antiseptic soap."-British
Medical Journal.
"An unfalling remedy for unpleasant emana-
tions from the person."-Medical Times.
- --Invented and Introduced by the Sole Proprietors,
S-In Tablets, Sd. ann Is. each, of all Chemnists.
W. V. WRIGHT and CO., LONDON,
Proprietors of the COAL TAR PILL (Pilula arbonis Detergens) and SOLUTION OF COAL TAR
("Liquor N arbolis Detergens ") particulars of which are enclosed with each tablet of Soap,
|eAUTION.-Each Tablet of the genuine and original Coal Tar Soap bears the impress, "SAPO CAABONIS DETERGENS."

A SALE! A SALE!
IT MAY BE AN EXAGGERATION THAT WHILE MR. SURGEON WAS GIVING HIS
LECTURE ON "CANDLES" A DENIZEN OF HOUNDSDITCH STAGGERED IN, AND TAKING
IT FOR A SALE, EXCLAIMED, "A BOB FOR THE PAIR--ONE AND THIX-Two BOB!
HERE, VAT'S THE UTH 0' CASTING TIME-TWO QUID FOR THE OLE BLETTHED LOT !"

A D

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC.
The Flaxman All desirous of obtaining GOOD FITTING SHIRTS, ask for The Flaxman
FLAXMAN,
The Flaxman And see that each has a tab sewn Inside the Yoke with the Words The Flaxman
The Flaxman THE FLAX AN The Flaxman
The Flaxman T E ----The Flaxman
rThe RFaman Printed thereon In Indelible ink. None are genuine without, and which Name Th e laman
The R/aXman Registered under the New Trade Mark Registration Act. They are made from The faman
hls specially selected for substance anddurability, and tle fit of them is
he Flaxman erally acnowleged, being cut upon the celebrated Englsh sculptor Flax The Flaxman
Th Flaxman n' o proportion. A pert fit guaranteed with the aid o the neck T xman
The Rama/nun ,measure to all ot ordinary stature. I e Raman
To be had of all hoslers in town or country, and wholesale only of Riohard White Flaxan
The RFaxman and Co., 1, Friday-street., E.C. The axman

POULTICE
(Patented)
IS EXEMPT FROM ALL THE
INCONVENIENCES
INSEPARABLE FROM POULTICES MADE WITH
LINSEED OR BREAD.
These spoil the linen, bedding, &c., dry upon the
edges, rapidly ferment, giving a most unpleasant
odour, and no dependence can be placed on the
quality and freshness of the linseed meal.
THIS NEW POULTICE IS
I NB TE .ST T .N r- T US,
FOR
IT IS READY IN A FEW SECONDS.

The reason why so many are unable to take Coooa, Is that the varieties commonly
Sold are mixed with Stareh, under the plea of rendering them soluble; while really
making them heavy, and imligestisle. This may be easily detected,/or V Oa se
ghUieOs in the eu it .proves Oth Sdton of starch. OADrXT'S Essence is
genuine; it is therefore three times the strength of these COooas, and a refreshing
beverage ike Ten or Coffee.

earlyaperiod?"
what do you
reply? No, it
is useless to
g lance at the
Qusen's Speech
-that will not
help you. A
Queen's Speech
-this Queen's Speech more especially-is only
an illustration of the Frenchman's assertion
that "language was given to us to conceal
our thoughts." Nor when you turn to my
Lord Beaconsfield will you derive much en-
lightenment from that source. His lordship,
like the hero of a popular ballad, "generally
talks when he usually speaks ;" but invariably
says nothing. Perhaps the step is best described
as a precaution against possible eventualities.
This, sir or madam, you can hardly fail to deem
eminently lucid and satisfactory.
The result of the Parliamentary opening must
be pronounced satisfactory, even though the
Premier failed to satisfy either his own party or
his opponents. The effect was calming. Seldom
has the public mind been more agitated than
during the past few weeks, and as the time ap-
proached, and disturbing rumours got into circula-
tion, all eyes were bent eagerly on the arch-juggler,
who to the last clutched the Bag of Mystery to
his breast, and left it an open question what he
would bring out of it. When at last the cat
jumped, and it became clear that Peace, rather
than War, was the immediate policy of the Govern-
ment, there was a general sense of relief. The
fact was that many had persuaded themselves that
the Mystery meant war, and was prepared to give
effect to it, in Eugene Aram's words :
"Again, again, with a DIzzy brain,
The human life I take."
Is it a fact that there was an early draft of her
Majesty's Speech with a decided red tone in it ?o
Of course, no one knows what passes at Cabinet
Councils; but Cabinet Councillors are but human,
and things do ooze out in a wonderful way. Of
course, the Premier was not likely to advocate a
straight war policy. He wouldn't kick down the
basket in true Alnaschar fashion;. but there are
ways of doing things in a diplomatic fashion, and
certainly the adroit manipulation of the Queen's
Speech is suggestive, if not confirmatory, of public
rumour. That Speech was not written out at a
sitting.
It has generally been the boast of Conservatives
that whatever faults the Queen's Speeches prE-
pared by the Earl of Beaconsfield might have,
they were at least grammatical. This boast can
scarcely be made as far as the present one is con-
cerned. The second paragraph reads thus : You
are aware that, after having unsuccessfully striven
to avert that war, I declared my intention to ob-
serve neutrality in a contest whice I Ilamented,
but Iad failed to prevent, so long as the interests
of my .andire, as defined by my Government,
were noi threatened." Read the lines in italics
by themselves. The Earl of Beaconsfiel thas
been credited with a thirst for war; but su'rely.
did not mean the Queen to say as o'edes. in
spite of parenthesis, that she only lamented the
contest so long as the interests of her Empire;
were not threatened ?
The Glasgow Working Men's Protestant A`io-
ciation has been greatly exercised in its mind at
the enormity of the crime which the Prince of
Wales has been committing in choosing Sunday
for his arrival in Hamilton. Really, one would
think, from the fuss which the Scotch make, that
they were the especial custodians of the Saw-
both." At all events, their interpretation of the
Commandnient seems to be that it should be kept
wholly.
The feho observes that Mr. Andrew Dunn, one
of the candidates for Southwark, is "angling-" for
the votes of the Home Rulers. Remembering Dr.
Johnson's famous definition of an angler, this is
rather rough on poor Mr. Dunn.
While the prices of stalls at the theatres are
steadily going up, so that we may look forward to
a time when they will be five pounds a piece at
least, no steps are taken, as a rule, to render them
any the.more comfortable. The banging of doors
on either side still secure a perfect draught, and so
send people away with severe colds as managerial
souvenirs. The Lord Chamberlain's views about
extra chairs are disregarded, and there is the old
difficultyabout getting in and out. There is likewise
a steady tendency in some houses to revive in the
stalls the basket-women of the old pit in the modi-
fied form of girls with "refreshments," who in-
commode you between every act with proffers of
messes, which they call Neapolitan ices and con-
fectionery. "Thanks-no, my dear," said a swell
at a house I could name, the other night; "any-
thing to oblige the management short of putting
paper-weights and chimney-ornaments into my
inside.'
That you must go from home to hear the news
is conclusively proved by the ANew York Daily
Graphic, ttiat veracious journal having asserted
that "Mr. Farjeon has written a Christmas story
for the London Times I" Asif theThunderer had
any opening for fiction I
And is this what the Republic of Letters is
coming to? An advertisement in the Largest
Circulation expresses the desire of a good descrip-
tive writer for "an engagement as porter in
London or suburbs."
No, this will not do. The Gardener's Maga-
zine tells us "' Cold summers and warm winters

FUNNY FOLKS.

compel men to live on splinters.' There is some
such a rude rhyme ,extanat, or there might be."'
Of course there might be-there might be any-
thing. The cold winters might compel us to live
on printers, or on hinters at possible contin-
gencies. We don't want to be cannibals, but
heavens l Imagine a diet of cribbage-pegs 1
Reversing it, too, cold winters might compel us
to live on rummers. If we are to have proverbs,
let us have the genuine article.
Talking of the East Strand improvement, Mr.
Fowler, the architect, said theywere there in the
year 1878, and in the neighbourhood of the large
theatres, without a decent thoroughfare to the
north." This is like the soldier who petitioned
for a pension, as he had two wounds-" one in the
arm, and the other in the retreat from Corunna."

MASTER TOOLE AT YE GLOBE,
"Comest thou filom the Globe 2"
"Yea, marry doe I, and i' fackins, and gra-
mercy, and by my halidame, have I seen goodly
sport threatt"
This is how one expects to hear people talk
of the Globe-named after Shakespeare's own
theatre-instead of which people shout out in the
most prosaic way, How jolly good Toole is in
A Fool and His Money I" "Best thing Byron's ever
done for Toole; fits him like a glove I" Toole,
as Chawles the old butler, who comes into money,
is a screamer !" And so on, and so on, without
the slightest sense of anachronism, or of anything
but of inducing others to enjoy as hearty a laugh
as they have done.

HE ALWAYS WENT OUT TO
LUNCH.
[It's never Toole late to mend even Burnand's words
to a popular tune.-ED. F. F.]
S THERE was a man
L Whose name was Hann,
And they called him the worst
of the bunch ;"
/1 For, being something in
Sthe City,
He considered it quite
fit he
Should always be away at
lunch.
And when he would
protest
That his working with a
zest
Had placed on his shoulders
a hunch,
His friends would stare
and stammer,
And observe, "Oh, what
a crammer I
Why, you always go out
to lunch!"

CHORUS. He always
went out to lunch,
Popped out for his noon-
tide munch.
.If you called upon
Hann-
This irregular man-
He.was always gone out to lunch.
If a client sought his door
At an hour he'd named before,
The boy gave him Funny Folks or Punch,
With, "Unless you are a flat,
You'll amuse yourself with that-
The guv'ner's gone out to lunch !"
And the client would remain
Till the day began to wane,
Bad words 'tween his teeth he would crunch ;
Then Hann would tumble in,
"Kep' you waiting' ? Warrer shin I
But I only en'but't' lunch 1"
CAoEus-He always, &c.
A dun we must condemn,
Who dropped in at nine a.m.,
With a brutal summons Hann to scrunch ;
But his trouble was in vain,
For he leariit, with bitter pain,
That his victim had escaped to lunch I
If the subject of my song
In this path continues long-
He really is the "worst of the bunch 1"-
Upon his tomb they'll stick,
With ajacet and a hic,
"He always went out to lunch 1"
CHORUS-He always, &c.

HOW PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF
SENT THE CONDITIONS.
A great deal has been said about the delay in
the opening of negotiations caused by the action
of Prince Gortschakoff in sending the conditions
of peace by hand instead of by telegraph.
To correct all misrepresentations on the one
side or the other, we give the following details, of
which we have obtained exclusive possession :
Immediately Prince Gortschakoff learned from
Lord Loftus that the Turks were prepared to
treat, he saw the importance of sending the Grand
Duke the Russian terms. And he saw, too, that
those terms must, above all, be sent without
delay, in spite of the Russian proverb, Samovar
hoff mavjilt" (slow and sure).
There was the telegraph. Pooh I This sort
of thing was too important to trust to a bit of
wire. It must go by hand. Not that of an
ordinary courier accustomed to travel; for ten to
one such a man would have prejudices of his own
against the poor Turk, and might miss a train en,
route, or forget to change carriages, or something
else, to delay his journey. No, the ingenious
Prince declared he would entrust the packet to a
virgin-minded boy-a youth accustomed to run on
other than political errands.
But what boy ?
The answer came as he strollednext day-Sun.

day. There, in a back street leading off the
Nevskoi Perspective, he came upon an urchin who
had just put down his covered basket on the snow,
and was playing tdssanpiteh-a Muscovite variety
of our pitch-and-toss-with another boy. Stealthily
peeping into the basket, the veteran diplomatist
saw it contained physic bottles and pill-boxes,
marked "With great haste," "To be delivered
immediately," and so on; and audibly chuckled as
he muttered to himself: "This is the boy I re-
quire I He can have no religious prejudices, for
he gambles on the Sabbath. He must have a
tender and sympathetic heart, for he gives a fresh
chance to the dying by delaying their medicine."
An hour later Ivan Pillamitch, for this was the
young hero's name, was receiving his instructions
in the Prince's own cabinet.
Just as he was ready to start, however, the
Chancellor found that, in his zeal to obtain a
fitting messenger, he had forgotten to get the con-
ditions themselves formulated.
At last, on Monday, January 14 (N.S.), at
twelve at noon, little Ivan set out for Kezanlik,
and as he disappeared round the first corner,
running as well as his tender toes would allow
him, the heart of Prince Gortschakoff was filled
with a feeling of proud joy. He would have been
quite happy could he but have felt sure that the
Russians had not profited by the unavoidable
delay in sending the conditions to move on to
Adrianople.
But his eye did not lose its gleam of triumph
when, three hours later, a police spy came in
and reported that Ivan Pillamitch had only got to
the end of the next street, where he was playing
"shovel-halfpenny."
"It is well," the Chancellor remarked. "It
shows him to be a thorough boy; and when he
does start, he will go all the better for having
had his sport."
LATEST INTELLIGENCE.
From a cipher despatch received on Thursday,
it seems that a youth answering to Ivan Pilla-
mitch's description was seen on Wednesday
playing tossanpitch at a village twenty versts
south of St. Petersburg.
And yet the Turks and their sympathizers
positively venture to impugn Prince Gortschakoff's
action in the despatch of the conditions of peace,
and maintain they might have reached Kezanlik
earlier I

MUSIC HALL POLITICS.
The novel position assumed by the music-halls
in the discussion of public affairs must claim the
serious attention of Parliament during the present
session. It is understood that Lord Beaconsfield
is thoroughly favourable to the idea of a Cave of
Harmony administration, and the following pro-
ject is at present ripening ia his lordship's fertile
brain:
Parliament will adjourn to the London Pavilion;
the Upper House to sit--and give their orders to
the waiter-at the Oxford. After Lord Beacons-
field's retirement, Mr. Macdermott will assume
the Premiership, Mr. Vance heading the Opposi-
tion. His allusion to the Czar of all the Russias
as He's a pal o' mine is expected to elicit quite
an unanimous chorus from the House, though of
course, until the thing comes to the vote, one
cannot say whether the encores or the hisses will
have it. In the Home Rule debate, Mr. Ley-
bourne will lead off with the "Wearing of the
Green," strongly supported by Arthur Lloyd, who
will deliver "Let Erin remember."
The Under Secretaries, Moore and Burgess, are
expected to respond very firmly with "The
British Grenadiers." Leotard and Blondin will
make two active whippers-in. Mr. Sullivan will
be offered the post of Speaker-we mean leader of
the orchestra.

LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLL- '
GOGERTYSILIOGOGOGOCH! ..
No, this is not the title of a new farce by Mr.
'*Crypto" Collette. It is,'worse luck, a stern
reality, The Cambrian Nenws tells of a Rector
of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogertysiliogogogoch
being charged with obstructing the highway, or
something of that sort. But it is not of the
reverend we would speak, it is of the hamlet with
all that name, which, elongated as it is, is merely
an abbreviation of the village's full title-a sort
of pet diminutive, we suppose, in favour with the.
weaker-jawed residents.
Are any letters, we wonder, ever forwarded to
the consonant-infested place, and if so, how many
envelopes are required to hold the direction ? It
would certainly be a matter of total impossibility
to get in the whole address under two and a half I
Presuming, however, that such an epistle is
dropped into a letter-box, are the officials who
have topuzzle out its destination paid by the hour
or the piece for deciphering the name ?
The more we ponder on the appellation of this
abominable Cambrian conglomeration, the more
hurt we feel at the mere existence of such an
orthographical atrocity. Just imagine a harmless
tourist inquiring of a native, Please can you
tell me the way to Llaufairpwilgwyngyllgdgerty-
biliogogogoch ?" Why, he would have to camp
out all night to do it, and when the morning sun
uprose, and warmed his chilled and rheumatic
limbs, he would still be at it 1 If there is no law
of the land to suppress abbreviations" which
contain no less than forty letters, we can only say
thau the Constitution. is miserably defective.

Pro Bono "Pub "lico.
"Coffee Public-houses" being such a success,
we may expect to hear of "Tea Taverns," "Cocoa
Inns," "Chocolate Hotels," and "Beef-tea
Restaurants." if

Medical.
There is just published "The Cure of Cataract."
The author is a Mr. Hogg. The volume is well
spoken of. But surely in matters of ocular incon-
venience a Hogg would feel most at home in The
stye."

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1878.

AUNT TOWZER AT THE OPEN-
ING OF PARLIAMENT.
What a whale we do live in to be sure, Mr.
Auditor. Here's Parleyment come round again,
and things not by no means square ; and I'm sure
what with being on the hedge of a crushus, and
with them war dogs, as I do 'ate, a-wanting to slip
off to their havockations, I don't wonder as all
the Parleymen came in heated and with their soles
in their arms eager for the fry, anthem Preserva-
tives frustrated to that degree, I thought their
politics had intoesinated 'em and led 'em to the
D.T. .
Sich a crush to the bar of them Lords I never
did see. And the Queen's S-eech, as the
Queen didn't speak, being nothing but' profunc-
tionary, glad enough I was to get out, 'know-
ing as the real mileedrama didn't begin till arter-
wards. Never did I see a place crammed to such
expletives, everyone a-sitting on such tender hooks,
as when them Lords began; but lor,.when it was
all over what did it come to ? Why, as I
says to the Primear, just making a mouse out
of a mounting. The Primear, of course, was
the Iknowsyer of every 'I, and well he'd
primed hisself with sarchasms and infectives ;
but bless me, when he'd said as that Lord Gran-
ville (him as is member for Ramsgate) had
borrowed from the lucrebrations of the news-
papers (which was a shame the labourer a-being.
worthy of his 'ire), and had denied as the Goving-
ment had been vassalhating, and that it wasn't in
a nice slated condition-which I thought was a
most barefacedous :insertion after it had been
castickgated all over the country-why, he akshbally
winds up with a peroaration, a-saying as he believes
as the country knows what are them "British
interests," when that's what every one has been a-
trying to find out for ever so long I I don't
wonder as the Duke of Gargoyle up and told him
to his teeth as he'd been trying to fill their mouths
with the East wind, which I'm sure, what with
Turkeyfiles and Rushofiles, has been quite exraspe-
rating of. -late.
But, lor I though there was so much fire at first,
it somehow got squenched,and all ended in smoke,
and I at once makes off to the Commons, where
they'd been going hammer and tongs for ever so
long. Well, Mr. Auditor, would you believe it,
if the very first words I heerd when I got in the
House wasn't the Highburnian brogue. Oh," I
-says, a-groaning, "'ere's the hoof with the clove
in it again. Can't we have a Parleymentary di-
gression without a spice of the Hemmerald ile ?" I
says. And glad I was to hear that Mr. Blanket
give 'em such a toss ; for if anybody wants to be
well wrapped it is them Home Rulerers.

REGULATION STAGE
COSTUME.
The authorities of the War Office have been
greatly scandalized at the conduct of an actor in
the Sorcerer, who not only had the audacity to
personate an officer in the Guards, but positively
wore the uniform of such an officer absolutely
correct in every detail. As no Act of Parliament
could be found which would enable the Lord
Chamberlain to interfere, and to insist that people
shall appear in costumes which they don't wear,
that useful official has, we understand, with a
view to the guidance of actors for the future,
kindly issued a few regulations. These are ..
samples: ''
For an Archbishop-Lawn sleeves and a gown
are admissible, but yellow, blue, scarlet or Scotch
plaid is recommended for the colour of the latter.
Silk stockings and gaiters to be replaced by :
worsted and shooting boots.
For an Officer in the Army-Trousers of any
fancy pattern. Scarlet tunic and yellow sash.
Chimney pot hat indispensable.
For a Policeman-Glengarry cap. Corduroys
and blue swallow tail coat. Oilskin cape may be
worn.
Clerk in the War Office, Admiralty, or any
branch of the Civil Service-Coat in the fashion
of 1830. White duck trousers and top-boots.
Cuffs and collars of the present period not ob-
jected to.
For a Judge-Gown of a striped pattern.
Colour immaterial. Pigtail and collar a la
Christy. Wig dyed sky-blue or sap-green.
For the Lord Chamberlain-The upper part of
the costume can be adapted from that of a
pantomimic clown. The lower nankeen breeches
and top-boots in the style of Paul Pry.
The instructions add : If thesehints be adhered
to, no offence will be given to the individuals in-
tended to be personated."'

Musical.
Mr. Molloy's song, "Tolled in the Twilight," is
a companion to "The Bellringer."

Literary.
An annual grant is promised towards printing
Whitmee's "Comparative Polynesian Dictionary."
We are informed that this fascinating work will be
shortly followed by the "Positive Archipelagian
Gazetteer," and the "Superlative Equatorial Ency-
clopedia."
Proof Positive.
At. a. meeting of Convocation of the University of
London the resolution empowering the granting of
diplomas to women was carried. Now then, for thlh
once we permit ourselves to sE J,,.se the hope th.,t
women will progress satisfactorily in thle atudy of
medicine, by degrees.

Disgraceful.
It is actually stated in a daily I'',Pl'r that tL:
principal of a ladies' school wicscs to .xehbrange he-
.son (aged nine) for littlegir'." R u-nlly th]i sort o r
thing cannot be permitted. Children are rot -vr!
included in the multifarious obiLets withlm the rang' .
of the Exchange and Mart. ,.

BRITANNIA TO MR, BULL.
[After reading in the Oolos "That in the event of a
Congress on Eastern, affairs it will not be absolutely
necessary to invite England to join it."]
Very pretty, I'm sure not to go with the rest,
/ if. all
/Our neighbours in Europe invited should be
To a grand Continental re-union and festival,
/ And high jinks are played on the Danube and
/i Spree.
k Do you hear me, now, John ? Do you think it no
loss for us
That our friends are all summoned, and we are
left out ?
Simply snubbed by that Czar, like the folks on the
Bosphorus- r
You simple old dullard, what are you about P
He has overtures made to the whole of our coterie,
Even Indian Princes we've petted for years,
While you fritter your days over blue and white
pottery, .
And long silly speeches of reckless young peers.
You mildly protest, as is often your wont, anent
SAparty without you, but why call it shame ?"
Tou have grossly neglected our friends on the
Continent,
And now they're affronted-and who is to blame ?
J Jat issue your cards, John; invite all the quality
o a ffet of your own, winding up with a ball.
They'll accept, never fear, and applauding your
j jollity,
Will declare you the very best host of them all.

PULPIT AND STAGE,
We gather from a recent number of a theatrical
contemporary that there exists in the far East (of
London) a-reverend gentleman called Headlam,
who has an amiable weakness for the stage. In
bhe IHeadlam-,.-table lecture'in which not long ago
he r hntilatl, his" opinions, this awful curate'said
. that B'li ..' *ad !' refreshed and delighted'" him,
Sand that see"in the Heathen Chinee "really did
him good." Ile further thinks that a debt of
gratitude is owed to Misses Kate Vaughan and
Farren for their brightness and 'go'.at the
Gaiktv." The Vokes "delighted him, and the
GirurIs atri Phoites seemed to him "most won-
&-rful." Worst of all, this degenerate cleric con-
"fersei to an admiration for the pure and beauti-
ful ballet, and considers that the obnoxious
Stop;':ai v'ng "may be very clever and very
i am o'uin.

The Rev. Headlam is only a curate; but sacer-
dotal liberal-mindedness is everywhere on the
spread, and the orthodox must not be astonished
or shocked if some fine morning they wake up to
find their newspapers abounding in such para-
graphs as these :
CRITERION THEATRE.-This theatre was last
night honoured by the presence of the Right
Reverend the Lord Bishop of Laxembury, who
heartily enjoyed the performance of that latest
adaptation from the Palais Royal, The Naughty,
Naughty Hubby! The broad humour of the
scene where the peccant husband is chased over
the housetops in his dressing-gown and night-
cap appeared to throw the Bishop into convulsions
of mirth; but his Lordship recovered himself in
time to hurl a magnificent bouquet at the feet of
the charming representative of Mrs. Slyboots.
A DEAN IN THE CHAIR.-Last evening, being
the occasion of the annual benefit of Mr. Charlie
Cadby, at his well-known Music Hall, the Very
Reverend Dean Bibber, a personal friend of the
b6enefiaire, took the chair. The Dean was evi-
dently no novice in the use of the ivory hammer,
and led the applause in fine style; joining voci-
ferously, at one portion of the entertainment, in
the Great Peace Song of the Canieleopard
Comique.
Miss FANNY PHOTO begs to announce her
benefit at the Trunkhose Theatre for Friday next.
Tickets may be had at the box office; or of the
Rev. L. Orgnette, Vicar of St. Mummery's.

FESTIVAL-TIME -TOAST.
(From the Archives of McaleseuryAbbey.)
"Qua nos amant, Us Salus," &e.
TRANSLATION BV A MODERN' MONK.
Here's a health to those that love us.
Here's a health to those that we love,
Here's a health to all those
That love them that love those
That love those that love them
That love us.

Reel-y to be Expected.
In a recent number of the Mirror of Literature
is commenced a new novel of a highly original
description, called "Off the Reel." It is early yet
to speak of a sequel; but should the Mirror
readers demand such a thing, On the Jig will,
of course, follow, and will delineate, most probably,
life among the Shakers.,

I i

BATH BABBLERS,
The Bath Guardians won't let the workhouse
children go to the pantomime. We are not sur-
prised-it would be wrong to expect Bath
Guardians to rise superior to human folly. The
discussion on the subject reported in the Bath.
Herald would seem, moreover, to show that the
Bath Guardians are capable of giving the children
as laughable an entertainment at the workhouse
as they would get at the theatre. No clown could
talk more nonsense than did one of the clerical
speakers; and a Mr. Dallaway, a theatre-abstainer
of seventy years, was more fatuously garrulous
than any pantaloon. Another bird a Mr.
Gaudy-went on in a way which causes us mis-
givings that the IHerald has not given his name
with literal accuracy. Others showed rare powers
of moving the risible faculties. Pending a House-
pantomime, it is satisfactory to know that the poor
children are not denied all recreation. Only a
month ago, they were (one wet night) taken to
the Abbey Church, and afterwards to the Pump-
room, where each had a rollicking bun I

"CUT AND CURLED,"
A NEW TRADE JOURNAL.
The hairdressers, perfumers, and brush and
comb manufacturers of this country have started
an organ of their own in the press, which they call
the Perrugvier.
The motto they have chosen for their journal
is, of course, Cut and comb again I"
The portion principally devoted to the hair-
dresser is full of cutting remarks ; and a particu-
larly readable column is waggishly headed,
"Hairy Nothings 1"
The brush manufacturers' pages literally bristle
with fun and valuable information, though there
is not a line that is not strictly comb ilfaut.
Amongst the contents of No. 1, the essay,
"Take care of the Hairpins,' and the Hair will
take care of itself I" will be especially useful to
young barbers; whilst the professional jokes
collected under the heading "Chig-nonsense"
cannot fail to amuse.
We are in a position to state on oath that the
following conundrumi isnot our own: "Why is a
hairdresser like a certain bankrupt state in South
America ?" Because he is a Peru-queer.
(N.B.-The greatest caution should be observed
in repeating this transcendent effort, or the con-
sequences might be fatal.)

SWHITTINGTON AND HIS SURREY CAT.

C C- ,;.... --

zi es'

11
~3)-Al

Al,- ~ f

) ~. tl~It

A I ti V~k,!'41~

'I ~j~iII~i~ \, _____4 f

1. Ploughing the Raging Sees. A Four-Wheeled, and
.what appears to .be a Brick-Built Ship, heavily laden with
Surrey celebrities suffering the pangs of violent sea-sickness.
2. Alarming state of matters at the Court of Sago VI.,
King of Barbary. Grand Chamberlain : Golly, how feelith
your Majesty ?" Sago: "Bedad, an' I feel rather Rat-lofy-
way.ay."

. 3. Whittington to fiery untamed steed of the feline tribe:
"Now, then, Master Thomas Henry, my beauty. Barbary
R-r-ats !" And the lively pair gb in and destroy wholesale
the Sawdust-Stuffed Surrey Barbary Whoppers.
4. Incident in the grand Dick Whittington Lord mayor
Show business. The Donkey Novelty. The animal has just
a slight sense of humour. Is quite a young thing, too."

Highly appreciated by members of orchestra. Relays nightly.
Bother expense.
5. Grecian Statues. Saturday Night. Only husband and
wife engaged in matrimonial squabble.
6. Laugh and grow Fat. Interesting effect of the Fun
of the Pantomime on an Individual.

The story of the mad sportsman, who insisted
on having his hair dressed with a cock's-comb and
fox's brush, and then called for a glass of bay-
rum and, milk of roses is well written; so is the
allegory called, "Should you Shoet Rabbits with
Hair-triggers to your Guns ?"
The article en scents is unusually sensible; but
the author does not tell us what is the odour that
silence gives out if the old saying, "Silence gives
a scent" be true.
On the whole, however, from its opening Hair-
dress to the public," to its neat parting at the ,ack
of the last page, there is nothing barberous in the
number.

SIGNS OF HOUSES.
When a house has more than four windows to
each room, it is a sign. that no panes have been
spared in its construction.
When a man offers to sell you a house with two
rows of trees in front, it's a sign that he means
'avin' you. (Please pronounce, Avenue.)
When a house has a "Gingerbeer" card in the
window, it's a sign of a "pop "-ulous neighbour-
hood.
When the inside of a house is only painted once
in ten years it's a sign that the woodwork will
become deoade.
When a house is built to te sold by auction, it's a
sign that it is merely run up to be knocked
down."
When a scaffolding is erected outside a house, it's
a sign that the tenants are expecting an "execution."

The Last of His Kind.
Barber surgeons are gone out of fashion nowa-
days ; but we have still, if Debrett errs not, a Sir
John Barber left to us.

Another Brush for the Tartar.
Indiarubber tooth brushes are now being generally
advertised. Ah, of course, they would be very
useful after the dentist had drawn one's teeth to
rub them out with again.

Reflection by Our Own Licensed
Victualler.
How the love of the "pub" permeates poor
human nature I Look, for instance, at two such
opposing characters as the peeler and the cracks-
man. The truncheoned policeman has his favourite
"tap," and the burglar his crow-bar I

FOR A WARM REcE proN-Kentish fire.'

FUNNY FOLKS.

[SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1878.

THE PRINCE'S RIDE.
[On returning, the Prince visited the farm of Laurence,
and inspected the famous Clydesdale stock, which
happened to be in the paddock of the well-known breeder
Mr. Drew. The renowned Lord Harry was shown, and
it was stated that he had never yet been ridden by any
one. Prince Louis Napoleon, afterexamining the animal,
suddenly vaulted on to his back and rode him rapidly
twice round the paddock, a feat requiring not only daring
but skilful horsemanship.]
Well done! like a hero of Hawley-
The scribe one can really call Smart-
Feat worthy the verse of Macaulay,
Or poor Edwin Landseer's rare art.
I hear the Ordre's loud charivari,
I hear the suave Gaulois' fond gush
O'er Monseigneur bestriding Lord Harry,
Encircling a field with a rush!
Ah, Prince, it's a merrier study
Than a few other feats of your race.
If your spurs are a little bit bloody,
Your sword at least's clean in its case.
And if, too, you might sit more lightly,
Lord Harry alone feels your knee;
You may rein in a little too tightly,
But, don't do it, pray, with a g."
He's richer than Caesars who straddles
Some small Rosinante of his own,
And the hardest of Mexican saddles
Aren't as hard asma Mexican throne,
And I'd rather a dozen Lord Harrys
Than the Commons one has when a king;
Sooner not rehearse arms in gay Paris,
And rehearse pretty feats for the ring.
Monseigneur, the counsel is idle,
I doubt not, and given in vain;
Do you stick to the bit and the bridle,
Without thought of the sword and the chain.
You may have your own royal mission,
Like Carlos, Henri, and the rest,
But this species of vaulting ambition,
Believe me, mon prince, is the best.

' THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
The Royal Speech would have been all the
better for a little more of the Queen's English
and a little less of the Prime Minister's finesse.
There is one reversible paragraph, elegantly
furnished with two different meanings. This is
compensated for by others which have no definite
meaning at all. What, for instance, are we to
gather from belligerents respecting a conditional
neutrality so far as it may be in their power ?"
If Russia did not respect them, should we excuse
her as the victim of an irresistible Power-say
Bismarck ?
Then, again, the Government ask the House to
supply them with the means of meeting some
unexpected occurrence." Isn't it an odd sort of "un-
expected event which has to be provided against ?
In domestic points the Speech is very meagre.
Englishmen get little in the way of promises;
Ireland is, of course, shamefully treated, as it c
always is videe Irish members, passim); and
what has Scotland done ? Why, there isn't a
word in the Speech about the law of hypothec I
A Session and no hypothec ? Impossible.

QUITE THE CORRECT THING.
SCENE-Clapham Conmon.
Anglican Priest.-WE HAD NOT THE PLEASURE OF SEEING YOUR LADYSHIP AT
CHURCH ON SUNDAY ?
Lady Blank.-ER-NO-I WAS NOT PRESENT, BUT-I LEFT MY CARD WITH THE
CHURCHfWARDEN!

with M. in orange blossoms, when telegrams
came. We were making the Funds fall all over
Europe I Bother the Funds I shall get myself
deposed-and then Mercedes won't have me !"

THIS IS CZ'7ADli VD rDY CrE Dli

this day. (Cheers.)" And a vote of thanks to
the Czar was carried. After this we need have no
hesitation in saying that Mr. Bright is the cause
of the Russo-Turko war, that to Marshal MacMahon
is due the strong Republican feeling in France,
that Lord John Manners is the inventor of the
telenhone o nothe nlitp fio t bi hih imiti

PUBLIC OPINION ON THE
EASTERN QUESTION.
The following expressions of public opinion have
been unavoidably crowded out of the Daily Tele.
graph:
At a crowded meeting held in the sixth-form
bedroom of Swisham School, it was proposed by
Smith major, seconded by Robinson, and carries,
that her Majesty's Government be petitioned to
declare war against Russia, and to send an armr,
to St. Petersburg with the object of bringing the
Czar to London, dead or alive. It was also decided\
to raise a battalion within the school, and to open
a subscription-list for the purchase of wooden
swords and pasteboard helmets. Blodge minor
made a spirited appeal on behalf of the fund, and
with the gratifying result that threepence-half-
penny was at once subscribed, and promises of
further assistance when home-supplies arrived.
"At the Mudford Young Men's Conservative
Association, Mr. Thomas Twaddler delivered a
lecture entitled Russian Rapacity, or the World
Overthrown.' Mr. Twaddler conclusively proved
that the sole object of Russia was to possess the
four quarters of the globe; and in support of
his views, brought forward some powerful arga-
ments based on the will of Peter the Great, Mother
Shipton's prophecy, and Daily Telegraph leaders."
The ancient and patriotic order of Bisons have
passed a resolution conferring the degree of
Knighthood- upon the proprietor of' the Daily
Telegraph in recognition of his efforts in the
cause of bloodshed, and in., view of the dis-
appointment incurred by him in not receiving a
baronetcy."

POTTED WORDS.
Now that the Times has devoted a column to
Mr. Edison's "Phonograph," we may surely
consider it as a serious invention, and not merely
as a scientific toy. Without describing it in tech-
nical language, it may be said to be an apparatus
by which the human voice may be stored-up for any
length of time on slips of paper, and then repro-
duced by passing these slips over a series of points
communicating with a thin metallic diaphragm.
Of the uses to which this invention, which helps to
prove the truth of what has been deemed a Mun-
chausen story of the frozen horn, that began to
play the stored-up tunes when thawed, may be put,
the list is-well, endless.
Dying witnesses' depositions, for instance, may
be taken by the Phonograph, and then delivered
orally in court, to the great confusion of the
ignorant prisoners unacquainted with the strides
science has lately taken.
Think, again, what a price a phonogiaphic
peroration of John Bright's or Gladstone's would
fetch for use at political meetings one hundred
years hence; and how the theatre-going public
would rush to avail themselves of a Still I am
not happy I" or some similar phrase in the inimi-
table accents of John Lawrence Toole.
Socially too, how nice it -will be to be able to
stow away a deskful of the "Dearies" and
"Pets," and other affectionate speeches of one's
fwif.r AhLnd M nriA -h -b- t i

T_ eM ,p vne, or any on er po. .econ w. cmagi e or7san o prove against a connubial
nation -may suggest. The Irish Bull is at all rainy day.
A ROYAL MARRIAGE. Among the things not generally known is the times a queer animal, but has never been more Evening parties will receive a fresh fillip. The
fact that the liberation of the Fenian convicts was funny than served up as it has been by Mr. Leahy hostess of the future will be able to hold out other
It is generally conceded that getting married is due to the Emperor of Russia. Here is what Mr. a la ussue. inducements than the mere music anddancing, and
a fatally easy process in sometimes amateur acting,
civil life ; but, as some sort r on which the changes.are
of a compensation for its / on Wh now rng a these ain-
many cares, Royalty appears ilnwlrug. W atthesin
to be specially guarded -.dcenswlbemye
against committing itself AV ) I-J /aJUdgedtby fancying owhate
matrimonially. The follow- 'eno et could ow e
g touching little narrative enjoyed b ey us had he
has been sent us from Phonograph been invented
Madrid. The signature ,,/-instead-let us say-of. gun-
looks something like "Don powder. In such case a
looks something like Don leader of fashion would now
Walnso."mbe able to promise'her

"W anted to seeomyy ih
-day."ane guests: "To be or not to
Mercedes to-day (blew me C-be," declaimed by William
up yesterday for not going Shakespeare; a love song,

Shkeper ;antedlooewsone,
to war with Russia). Cortes shakespere ; a sont
said it wouldn't be proper -sung by Herrick; a short
without some elderlysemndlirdbyJh
ithero us g psole eerly PWesley; selectIons, from
mother person being pre- Burke's speeches by himself ;
Sen. Suggested my Prime oa scene from a favourite
Minister. And there was a play, by Mrs. Siddons; and,

goiD Ye~ W~ idn 7Cb rswith a 'speaind,
H TREE DAYS ATER- int act, as many more similar
Wtar. n- DArsi AtER goitreatsas the timewounid allow.
wAe Ds.-Crisis still going
on. Wanted d to write a
sonnet to Mercedes. Am
=gto writebegging THE LATEST IM-
lettersing people to form POSSIBILITIES.
ministries. Saw Mercedes /'PCSBILTES
miniries.SawMercedes(To go into mourning forp a
for three seconds, when I "dead swindle."
was disturbed by President Tospole."
ofing the Chamber, nwhosaidr MrTo polish a school, board
of the Chamber, who said w ith an inclined plane.
that the Humbugado party c -- osrp ucsle f
have decided not to allowT o mi-l o -o-e mp equoc i erof
Mercedes more than three ti the Mirror of te Private
p air s of gloves a months. Tor ea o r------- ll Opinion" to the rank' of
mShall have to send down a a m toh Ih -- o- Sergeant-Major.
mak itfou. -;-I To hold a long conversa-
messenger and ask them to o-er__-e--l----o T h-old an -log onersa-
"DaYk LAitf r W tion with a speakingg
"D Y AEI.W s-----likeness."
going to be married to-day. ,-, -_ _--- lT te rt sae"
....To alter the Shape of
Hear at the last o thmoment--- o square loaf by turning it
that the Khan of Crim t o- .. round
-_... ____: .. ... around.
Tartary and Lord Beacons- ----- :- --" -- -- To plant a h "g family tree
field will consider Eastern '. in the around of an mi -
Question seriously compi.- dictment.'
cated if I do. I wonder if DRAMATIC COSTUME REFORM. To dispose of a "golden
Eastern Question would (Dedicated to !eO.iers of the ards who object to their Unfor being Worn on the Stage.) opportunity" at the pawn-
mind my kissing Mercedes.ebrokers.
I'll chance it. THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN GRACIOUSLY APPROVES OF MR. W. S. GiLnERT'S CORRECTED S0RCREAR COSTUMES-THE To make yourself two
"LATmR.-Mamma been GUARDSMAN, THE CHARITY GIRL, THE VICAR, AND THE PEw" OPENER APPEAR IN A STYLE WHICH HIS LORDSHIP DEEMS inches taller, by "standing
writ ninto the newspapers APPROPRIATE IN A CoMisDY OF oDsRN LIFEB! onyour dignity"
and calng me names. They To take a hook, sit
say she has got the Fiddlededado Party with her; Leahy, president of the '82 Club,P aid at the re- Jumping at a Conclusion. down in front of an express, and read betoees
so of course the marriage is postponed again. ception at Kingstown: "Fellow countrymen, I Says the Press, "There is ne some hope that
YESTERDAY-Carambo I I must really try a hae very mtich pleasure in proposStysn the e w rissBoonebeoncludd." me.hopent,
coup d'etat, or something. There are the best thanks of the Irish people be given to the though; it is war, not peace, that we hope to see Lodes oftt!
Miserados saying that I mustn't give that turquoise Emperor of Russia. (Cheers.) It is to the concluded. ____,___oesoIt_
locket to Mercedes while the people are starving. Emperor of Russia, and not to the English No wonder. we talk of gold and silver iroulati
Had to askxher to return it. Row. Government, that we owe the liberation of the APPROPRIATE NAME FOR A BOY BORN DuRING for if you come to think of it, these metals like blood
WEDDING*DAY.-Hiad just started for church Irish political prisoners whom we have welcomed THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS-Sam- yule. are both, as a rule, found in veins to begin with.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

"GERMS."
(A Topical Tragedy. Illustrating Recent Sci ntiflc
Alarmn.)
"Oh, man of melancholy face !"
I said in pitying tone,
Tell me, I pray you, why despair
Has claimed you for her own P"
"My melancholy face," quoth he,
My agonizing squirms,
My flowing tears, are caused by what
The doctors christen germs.'
dMy wife to Mister Mudie sent,
And he replied with speed,
Enclosing her t'ae small-pox in
A vol. of Charley Reade.
My eldest, from his rocking-horse-
A brute that could not whinny-
The measles caught. Myyoungest fell
By croup in a clean pinny.
"My very hale, though ancient, dad
A Cockle's gulped one day;
And swallowed typhoid in the draught
That' took the taste away.'
My two fond uncles and my aunts
Went riding in a cab;
And erysip'las in the straw
Gave each of them a stab.
With pleurisy in Berlin wool
My mater soon was mute ;
My cousin donned consumption with
His brand-new Sunday suit!
And thus it is you see me here,
The last of all my race;
I.think I've quite accounted for
My melancholy face."

PEACE MEETINGS.
S AN IMPARTIAL REPORT.)

0" The meeting of the Bermondsey Fanatical
Association was entirely successful. The most
iChristian sentiments were expressed by all the
speakers, who scarcely damaged each other at all
in the five dozen, rounds they had- in the body of
*he hall.
i\ The peacemakers of the Isle of Dogs had a
,;glorious. meeting on Monday, to protest against
-bloodshed generally. A few despicable dissenters
,were promptly expelled from the hall with
Streaming noses and discoloured eyes. After that,
pacific resolutions were: passed with but few
incidents.

WHO IS TO BLAME ?
WHAT Is Tms ? ONLY A GOOD OLD COUNTRY STUPID, WHO HAB EUNG OLD
JONESSEELLARDWANTS TO OPEN A DEPOSITACOOUNTWITH HIS HOUSEHA1D.
EUT THEN WHY DOES OLD JONES GO AND GALL HIS VILLA A BANK ?

to be severely kicked before the resolution could be
carried.

UP IN A BALLOON,

The Madras .Mail announces that residence
in captive balloons is recommended as a substitute
for the hills to Europeans who require a change
and cannot leave their homes.
The notion appears flighty enough at first sight,
but it will probably be eagerly adopted by Anglo-
Indians of lofty aspirations and limited means,
who will thus be enabled to live (very much)
above their incomes, and besides being enabled
to look down upon the rest of the world as literally
beneath their notice. Gourmands and epicures,

too, will be delighted to meet with so unique an
opportunity of indulging their favourite vice of
high living. The rents may be high as the
residences; still, it must not be forgotten that
there will be no ground rent to pay.
Should the suggestion obtain the high favour
it deserves, and hygienic aerial villages become
the rule, the villagers must take care to agree ;
should they fall out, what a "coming down in the
world" there will be 1

"UP, GUARDS, AND AT 'EMWI'
So the officers of the Guards don't like to see
Mr. Bentham copy them so accurately as he does
in the Sorcerer, and have asked the Lord
Chamberlain to guard their sacred costume from
the desecration of the stage. Mr. Gilbert (who
must enjoy the joke hugely) has, however, pro-
tested, and Mr. Bentham is still a Guardsman.
The insistence was wise, because if the tenor
had doffed his uniform, the rest of the company
were open to similar objections. We wonder
there is not already an article in the Churchmanz
against Mr. Rutland Barrington, who plays the
vicar so charmingly. Perhaps the Bishop of
London has already protested against his gaiters.
It is rumoured that a deputation of the National
United Church of England Pew-Openers will
wait upon the manager to denounce Miss
Everard's make-up as Mrs. Partlett as a reflection
on their style of costume ; and the infants of the
Sunday Schools are in arms against the imitation
of their teachers by Miss Giulia Warwick, who
has schooled herself remarkably in the character
she impersonates.
To revert to the Guards-what is the ground
of their objection ? Is it that their uniform is so
hideous that they wish the public to see as little
as possible of it ? If it simply is that they are
afraid of its being brought into contempt, the fear
is unworthy of. them. The Guards knew-we
will credit them with still knowing-how to make
their uniform respected.

ON THE STRIKE.
Matthew Mortar was a labourer
Of very bad renown,
And, slightly drunk, one night he struck
His little children down.
Then a good deal his wife he struck:
As this she didn't like,
She called him names; but Matthew said
"Shut up-I'm on the strike" ,

A Mascu-line of Business.
Chinese actors are invariably males. Hence,.
perhaps, the almost equally invariable maleficent
character of the principal dramatic personal..

"Or Any Other Man."
A long litigation is now pending "1 f
Row Chowdry and Another SVh.-
Row Chowdry and Another." .We ar.40 eed
thankful to be spared the names of the associate
in this case ; if they are as craekjaw" as those.
of the principals, we wonder not that their frie i a,
instead of calling them by name, should addM
them with "You re another."
THu LuMBsR REGIONs-The American back
woods.

30 FUNNY FOLKS. [SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 1878.

THE THREE PRACTICAL MEN.

(With apologies to the Shade of Kingsley.)

HREE practical men went
I strolling West,
F ...... P y Out into the West as the
Bar came down ;
\, Each said to the workmen,
111 ,,|May you be blest,
dF ar,|', For moving this obstacle
5 r7 l 'k, out of the town!
For cabs still crawl, and
'busses still creep-
I While stultified aldermen
Their ancient Bar be-
moaning."'
Three barmaids stood in
their gas-lit bower,
J And filled each glass as
the Bar came down;
And the practical gentlemen looked at the shower,
And .the mud that was rolling up slimy and
brown,
Former will drink, and women must keep
replenishing beakers, while potions deep
Are quaffed to the Bar and its "boning."
'Three "lushingtpns lie in the roaring Strand,
'Neath the Law Courts' shade as the Bar comes
down,
And the barmaids are peeping-a giggling band-
For they know the police may be squared with a
crown.
Alh! liquors are potent, and draughts are deep,
And the more you imbibe, why, the sooner you sleep,
An' goo'-bye to th' Bar an's moaning!

DIPLOMACY;
: OR,
SEE MRS. KENDAL AND A-DORA !
ACT I.
SCENE-At Monte Carlo.
MR. CLAYTON. How stout diplomatic service
-does make one, to be sure! I measure exactly a
yard and a half round the waist,.and I affect short
jackets- the better to display my redundant ounces.
But here comes my brother.
EntersMR. KENDAL.
I_. pKiqNDA.. Ahl how I love'Dora! I mean
Mrs.r endal. .
i CL4,ro,. But she may be an adventuress.
SKnEP..AL.. Oh, that's nonsense! [wxeunt.
Enter the MAlQUISE DiE RIO-ZARES and MaS. KENDAL.
UMARQul. My'own Dora, why do you not con-
tract a wealthymarriage P It is in evidence that I
never pay my-tradespeople, and feed my maid on
cutlet bones. It may sound like approaching
-senility, -but I should certainly be more comfort-
able were these things otherwise.
Mas. KENDAL. Mother, you must cheer up.
See-! I will cuddle you, and say um-m-urnm !
It looks so pretty, you know !
MARQUisE. Thank you, my dear. Your "ums"
are decidedly tonic in effect. [Exit.
Enter MR. BANaorFT.
Ma. BANCROFT. As a banished Russian Count I
have dropped the ordinary Bancroftian eye-glass,
and have taken up with the pince-nez.
Mas. KENDAL. And you have shaved off your
beard, Count.
MR. BANCROFT. Yes, I am going home to see
my mother, and I must not be recognized by the
Muscov police. Here is my photograph under my
new aspect, and as I am a man of the world, and
wish it kept a profound secret, I will tell you my
exact route to Russia.
[Does so, and exit. Mrs. Kendal goes into an
adjoining room to dress.
Enter MRS. BANCROFT.
MRS. BANCROFT. I may look chubby and good-
-tempered, but I am desperately wicked for all that.
I have overheard Count Orloff's route, and I will
now steal his photo, and transmit it through Baron
Stein to the Russian police, that they may arrest
him.
Enter BARno STEIN (ir. Cecil). Mrs. Bancroft gives
him photograph and information.
MRS. BANCROrr. And now tell me candidly, are
you Schtein or simply Stein ?
BAnON STEIN. That you must settle among
yourselves. At present you hold most contradictory
opinions on the point. For the rest, I would have
you observe that I am Mephistopheles cut down
and grown older, with a dash of Sir Woodbine
Grafton in Peril. Remark my diabolic moustaches!
MRs. BANCROFT (softly). They are indeed
Satanic perfection Exit with Baron.
Enter MR. andi MRS. KENDAL.
Ml. KENDAL. I can contain myself no longer.
.Dora, will you marry me?
MRS. KENDAL. Oh, won't I!
[Falls on his neck and thumps him on the back in
her pure happiness. Tableau.
ACT II.
SCENE-Mr. Clayton's Apartment in Paris.
MRs. KENDAL. I was married this morning !
Enter MRS. BANCROFT.
MRS. BANCOOFT. Yes, and you didn't ask Baron
Stein to the wedding. He is hurt, for he had made
his moustache virtuous by turning it down at the
ends, on purpose to do justice to the ceremony.
MaRS. KENDAL. Oh, then I will write and
apologize.
[Does so, and leaves it about in an unclesea
envelope for that designing Mrs. Bancroft to
tamper with.
MBS. BANCBOFT. Now I will purloin the plan of
Constantinople which Mr. Kendal carries in his
diplomatic despatch-box, and which was entrusted
to him by his too-confiding Government. If I
enclose it to Baron Stein in Mrs. Kendal's letter
suspicion will fall on her, and I shall be revenged
for her marrying my Kendal!
(Exit, trying to look more wicked than she can.

Enter MR. BANCROFT, MR. CLAYTON, and MR. KENDAL. You stole the plan, Mrs. B., and I will compel you
MR. BANCROFT. I have just escaped from a to confess your crime. A fat diplomatist is not to
Russian prison. Mrs. Keudal betrayed me. She be trifled with, madam. What ho! without.
is a Russian spy in the employ of Baron Stein. Ent EVERYBODY.
Mn. KENDAL (raving). Horror! EnBO.
MR. CLAYTON. My brother, do not fling yourself Mn. CLAYTON (to Mrs. Bancroft). Who cribbed
about so, for besides endangering the spindle legs the plan and the photograph, and threw the blame
of the costly furniture, you may rumple your hair, on poor innocent Mrs. Kendal?
and as it is not curly like mine, it will scarcely MS. BANCROFT. I did. But I care not for
stand it is not curly like mine, it will scarcelyour condemnation, if only the kind friends in
MR. KENDAL (calming directly). I had for- front will forgive and pass over my little felo-
gotten that. But I will not believe this treachery nious indiscretions.
of my wife. I was the Marquise. On can believe AUDIENCE. Delighted to do so, we're sure! We
anything of a mother-in-law t be hard on one as given us e very
MR. CLAYTON. As you know, my advice is always best play in every respect we have had the pleasure
sound. Suppose you now discover the theft of the of seeing for many a weary theatrical month.
plan of Constantinople, and allow the act drop to Good luck to you, Mrs. B., and a long run I
fall on your hysterics? PCURTAIN.
Mn. KENDAL. My own wise brother _!
[Tableau-Mr. Kendal apparently suffering from
unripe gooseberries on sofa. A BELL METAL-SOME

ACT II. EFFORT.
SCExEx-Same as last. Mr. T. North, F.S.A., will shortly present the
Mn. CLArTON. If we can get at the Baron's world with a volume on "The Church Bells of
letters we may yet recover the plan. Northamptonshire." We learn that he has gone
MR. KENDAL (wandering). The Russians shall at his subject ding-dong, and treated it with good
not have Constantinople. sound sense. He has tolled all be knows, and if
MR. CLAYTON. Certainly not! Stein is not as his views do not chime in with those of other folks,
big as I am. I will go and lie in wait on the stairs, he is ready to a-peal to their impartiality. We
and capture him as he goes to his room. bell-ieve this is all we have to say about Mr. North's
[Exit, and returns with Baron Stein. work, save that the bell-" pulls" of the illustra-
BARON STEIN. To prove to you what a good and tions being in the author's hands, the artistic

1. Footman.-'Ere, look 'ere, now. I can't
go having' MY 'all lumbered up with no luggage.
Out with it!

3. Chanmbermaid.-Want to shave? Well,
you ought to have done it when you got up. I
can't have you messin' and meddlin' about in
Mr rooms all day long.

guileless old man I am at bottom, I will give you
up the letter containing the plan.
[Does so, aend exit.
MR. KENDAL. My wife's handwriting! Then
she is guilty!
MR. CLAYTON. It looks like it. LExit.
Enter Mns. KENDAL.
MR. KENDAL (bluntly). Woman! you are a
Russian spy.
MRs. KENDAL. Oh, come, that is rubbish, when
you know I regularly read the Telegraph at
breakfast.
Mn. KENDAL. Will you confess your guilt ?
MRs. KENDAL (proudly). Never!
MR. KENDAL. Then, hardened female, I leave
you It is not easy to shake the solid scenery of
the Prince of Wales, but in my passionate exit I
will, I swear it, make the very walls rock !
[Bursts out of room
Mas. KENDAL. My husband gone! Then I will
flop in my desolation. [Flops.

FENNINGS' STOMACH MIXTURE.
BOWEL. COMPLAINTS cured with One Dose.
TYPHUS or LOW FEVER cured with Two Doses.
DIPHTHERIA cured with Three Doses.
SCARLET FEVER cured with Four Doses.
CHOLERA cured with Five Doses.
ld in ttlei, Is. lid. each, with fall directions, by all Chemists.

2. Oook.-Now, once for all, I don't stand no
old Mollycoddles a-peepin' and a-pryin"ini MY
kitchen. So, look out !

4. Butler.-Now, Sir, if you please. You've
done dinner this 'our or more, and I want to clear
MY table. The Libery or the Drorin'-room's
the place for it if you uSTr have forty winks.

portion of the undertaking must be far advanced.
If, when the book appears, it is as good as it
promises to be, we are quite prepared to bell-and it
to the skies.

VEHICULAR QUERIES.
Is it true that carpenters make the best cabmen,
owing to their great experiencein "screw"-driving
Is it admissible to speak of a person engaged in
the tuition of dramatic pupils as a "stage-coach ?"
Should you speak of a woebegone 'bus conductor
as cad-averous ?
Is the modern dog-cart anything like the ancient
cur-ride ?
When was the fashion of driving two horses, one
behind the other, first known as an "ad cap-
tandem style of turn out ?
Did Phseton inherit his habit of furious driving
from his father Jehu-piter ?
If a cabman were to give you a bad shilling in
your change, should you call it a rank duffer.

HISTORIC DOUBTS.
(Continued from Horace Walpole by Flaccus Hedgestace.)
DISRAELI.
Unless great care is exercised in preserving con-
temporary journalistic literature, future historians
will find it next to impossible to identify the ap-
parently three individuals Mr. Disraeli, Dizzy, and
Earl Beaconsfield, and will experience great diffi-
culty in proving them to be "three single gentlemen
rolled into one." Pains should be taken to es-
tablish the reasons of the alterations of name. As
a young politician he assumed that his voice was
vox D'I; having becoiie the:leader of a party'
he reached a Dizzy height; and when, according
to his earliest aspirations, he became a Peer of the
realm as Earl Beaconsfield-a Beacon or Pharos to
a wide political field.
GLADSTONE.
The same remarks apply to this Legislator as to
his contemporary and opponent. His life must
have been a strange and varied one. The public
papers of the day in which he lived state that he
was originally. a pig-drover in Bulgaria. This
humble origin, and the habits of life it naturally
engendered, appears to have affected his future
career. He never became ostentatious in his mode
of living, for it is constantly mentioned of him that
he confined himself to "three courses.'2 Later in
life he became a woodman, and died superior to a
Peerage.

WHAT WILL THEY DO?
[By "OUR BOYS"-TEBOUS CONTRIBUTOR.]
February is drawing near, and with it the 1,000th
night of Our Boys. The wildest rumours are
flying about as to what Messrs. James and Thorne
intend doing to fitly celebrate" a theatrical occur-
rence so unprecedented. Here, for .example, are
some pretty good shots: -
H. J. Byron will be handed round for inspection
by the phrenologically learned.
Messrs. James and Thorne will publicly present
one another with magnificent services of solid silver
plate. ,
"Our Boys" will be photographed on the stage;
and the cartes, multiplied by the Woodbury pro.
cess, will be mounted in richly-gilt frames, and dis-
tributed among the audience.
The play will be performed entirely by amateurs
who, from frequent visits to the Vaudeville during
the last few years have become perfectly acquainted
with the "lines" and "business," of the various
characters.
Perkyn Middlewick will appear in a supplemen.
tary scene, representing a butterman's shop; and
will serve out to' all applicants pats of '" inferior
Dosset," stamped with the date and his'own por-
trait in relieve, sb as to form a pretty, appropriate,
and tasty memento.

Scissors!
A rich man who had commenced life as a barber
shocked his friends the other day by calling his
yacht a "hair" cutter! iR is this same individual
who has an unfortunate tendency in colloquial talk
to exclaim, The Lime-Juice take it !"

Pen and Pan.
The John Heath pens suggest the idea that they
might all be named after flowers. Those of a bold
quill-like quality, the John-quill, for instance; while
the golden-coated, defying ink ahd rust," might
be the Cowslip, with the Shakespearian motto (one
word long):
"In their Gold-coats no' spots you see."

A Pair of "Duals" Between Two'
Friends.
Two bakers have been going to law anent a pair
of trousers which the one, Embach, was wont to
lend to the other, Harding, to "go a-courtin' "in.
Harding borrowed the articles once too often; for
he forgot to give 'em back to the owner, and
Embach could only effect their restitution by an
application to Bow-street. Such a singular plural
arrangement with regard to a pair of "pants" "
could not fail to end in breaches of friendship and
appeal to the legs talionis.

CORRESPONDENCE.
contributions are sent at authors' or rtiste' own risk,
an& the Editor willnot be responsible for them. or undertake to
return them.
DINGO.-Of course the wild dogs of Australia, like the .
trees of the same country, shedt their barks every
winter.
JAMSETJEE JEEJEEBOTY.-The feminine of Parsec
would be Marsee.
CHEVALIER BAYARD commanded a regiment of ,
Bayardiers.
MASTER JACK.-No, it is not Mr. Gladstone who is
meant in the following lines from the Scotch Psalter:
"A man was.famous and was had )
In estimation,
According as le lifted up
His axe thick trees upon."
RED RovE.--The celebrated buckcaneer you mention
was quite a dandy.
HISTORIOUS.-In her religious views, Queen Elizabeth.
in comparison with Mary, was quite A latter-Tudor-
narlan.
KIT SLOP.-Soldiers' clothes are all made by contract
at a uniform price.

Voom in British Embassy. Fresh Whiting." Published Every Friday,
it is close on eleven, it is A prisoner has effected his escape from the TE"
wound up the play. Mrs. Birmingham Borough Gaol. He found a ladder in
cks must not keep a select the exercise yard and scaled the wall with it. His MIRROR OF
respectable homes, name is Whiting. Surprise 'has been expressed at M IRiR U I O F LITERATURE,
[Rs. BANCnOFT. his so easily escaping the notice of the officials; p _-7Za a03- T W 0 M E3 :11 C ". '
You may kiss my hand. I but surely the most wary officer may be excused for E _E Vr _ c _B .
n on the right scent, not noticing a wall with a little extra Whiting London: JAIES HNDEn SON, Rled Lion House, Red
h! I recognize ,that perfume, on it. Lion Court, Fleet Street, B.C.0.

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., ;. 1.HE statue of John
S I tuart Mill on the
S' A Embankment makes
an addition to the
p s' hbare-headed effigies
of London. Now, it
Ii' "W l,' is :not pleasant to see
.. A 'r/ a bald gentleman ex-
posed to the heat of
,, / the sun or the pelting
I , of the pitiless storm;
-i' but what is the sculp-
S A torto do? He cannot
give him our hideous
chimney-pot hat- if
Slie did the mob would
., bonnet him-or invest
/ him in the billycock
J u or wide-awake of the
1i J il 3Music Hall cad. A
Helmet wouldn't do,
even if the officers of the Guards did not object, as
they do to their uniform being worn on the stage; and
a Glengarry would in some cases be as much out
of place as a Phrygian cap. What is to be done
with the statues of a nation which confound the
hideous with the respectable ? The only resource
of the sculptor is-the sculptured umbrella.
Apropos of the Guardsmen's outcry against
their livery-I beg pardon, their uniform-being
worn on the stage (if I used "livery" it was in-
voluntarily in association with- the flunkeyism of
the objection), what dire possibilities it opens up I
If the military object to the use of their clothes, why
may not civilians take the same objection ? And
then what a pretty pass actors would have come
to! In place of the pre-scenic arrangements of
the stage, when This is a Wood" or This is a
Temple was written on a board and hung at the
back of the stage to indicate a scene, we shall have
actors forbidden to resort to costume, appearing in
the manner of sandwich men, with boards
inscribed, "I am a Swell," "I am a Cad," or I
am an Officer in the Guards."
As I write, the Russian conditions of peace are
reported, with more or less confidence and accu-
racy of detail, and the English Cabinet has no
longer any reason to make Russia's reticence a
ground for asking a supplementary vote. The
conditions are hard," some think; others, re-
membering what Germany did in the case of
France and what we should be pretty sure to do
were victory in our hands, opine that nothing less
could be looked for. The money is the smaller
item. True, Turkey has not twenty millions, but
she has kind sympathizing friends, and what a
chance for them to express their compassion
through their pockets. When the neighbours
commiserated with the man over his dead cow, a
practical turn was given to the matter by the blunt
appeal-" How much do you sympathize in hard
cash ?" The present occasion is a blessing to
Turkophile friends; they will never have so fine
an opportunity for showing their sincerity as by
combining and paying off the twenty millions.
A cynic, present at the arrival of the Cleopatra
at Blackwall, remarked that we were taking
Egypt by degrees. This was the thin end of the
wedge I
Sir Wilfrid is always at his jokes. The other
day he met Sir Stafford Northcote in Downing-
street. "Ha'I Northcote !" said the jocular baronet,
"I'm glad you've taken up the subject of the
dispatch of public business in the House, because
I can tell you how to get over the difficulty."
" You can!" exclaimed the Chancellor, radiant
with delight. "Then I wish you would, for I
anticipate no end of trouble." Look here," re-
turned Sir Wilfrid, in a whisper, and glancing
round to see no one was listening. Leave it to
the Obstructives." "1Eh ? I beg your pardon,
but "-- "Leave it to the Obstructives I tell
you. If they can't manage to dispatch all public
business, I don't know who can. See ? Dispatch,
you know Ta, ta I" No one could make out why
the Chancellor was so depressed at the Cabinet
Council that afternoon.
At a recent funeral in the diocese of Salisbury
a superb pall used was insured for a quarter of a
thousand pounds before being used. The Bock,
which records the fact, does not say whether in a
life or fire office. Hardly the former, surely; : and
why the latter ?
I see by the Glasgow Herald that they had a
merry little meeting at Gourock the other night,
on the War question. And threat one Com-
missioner Haldane submitted as a resolution:
That we, the British public, ask Lord Derby
and the present Ministry before committing them-
selves to any policy, to get the opinion of this
meeting through our chairman." Capital idea
that 1 Imagine a telephone acting between Down-
ing-street and Gourock, so that the Ministry might
communicate with Commissioner Haldane and his
friends on every phase of national policy I Mr.
Haldane is behind his time. What an acquisition
he would have been to the famed triumvirate of
Tooley-street I
There is something charmingly inconsequential in
the following advertisement, which we cut from the
columns of the 1Daily Chkroniole: "For Sale, by
best maker in London, a strong iron Safe for
a very little money." What an individual
with a very little money could possibly want of a
strong iron safe for it, is a question far too
mysterious to be easily answered.
Fan at the Bar grows less and less. Courts
will soon fail to be convulsed at My Lud's old
Joe, and reports of trials for horrible crimes will
cease to be peppered with "laughter." The pro-
posal to abolish trials for Breach of Promise of
Marriage is a sad blow to legal humour and
forensic fun. We are nearing the time when
broken hearts and blighted affections are no longer
brought into court to be appraised by juries, and

I I

tender effusions in prose and verse no more
incite to the loud Ha, ha 1" and the sympathetic
guffaw ; when the occupation of Buzfuz is gone,
the eloquence of Snubbins is as a tale that is told.
The great avenue to humour is thus closed, or
threatened to be; and half the light, pleasant,
piquant reading in -the daily papers goes with
actions for Breach of Promise.
The Times, giving an account of the unveiling
of the last (?) Albert statue by the Prince of
Wales, at Cambridge, says, "The Prince now
walked up to the statue, and having pulled a
string, it stood unveiled before the assembly." A
statue that can pull a string and unveil itself is
something new in sculpture. No doubt it is a
kind of automaton, such as Mr. Maskelyne would
call a "Pscycho "-logical mystery.

THE NEW MIXTURE.
(As Exhibited on the First Night of the Session.)
Come, this is nice :
M.P.'s who flood us with insipid oceans
Will add some spice
To this, the last of Parliamentary notions.
Readers, who found
The old debates imperilled your digestion,
Try this compound:
Obstruction mixed up with the Eastern Question.
A glorious work
The thing will be, if even now it isn't,
When the grim Turk
Shows in debate beside the finest pisint;
And what queer minds
Members will have, what notions new and frisky,
When each one finds
The Bosphorus runs into Irish whiskey !
Ah, think of it-
Parnell in Kars and Maynooth making merry;
And the rare wit
O'Gorman striding from Stamboul to Kerry;
Faynians' release
Claimed from the Porte in language most terrific ;
And Terms of Peace
Discussed in terms more Irish than pacific !
This fills the cup
Of real reforms that make our progress quicker-
This mixing up
Constantinople with Hibernian liquor.
And Derby's strait
Is soonest mended by this wise suggestion :
Amalgamate
HomeRule, Obstruction, and the Eastern Question !

GARDENING FOR THE SEASON
Much of the ground is at this time unoccupied,
but that is no reason why the gardener should be.
On the contrary, he ought now to work with a
will-or at least with a codicil. He must dig up-
. by which of course we mean dig down-the harden-
ing soil, going over the ground-and also under
it--as. carefully as possible. Among new year
reforms do not forget to re-form your box-edges.
Tips of the shoots should be cut level-made into
" straight tips," in fact. If you have not already
spread-manure over your choice shrubs, do it at
once, by all manure of means.
Before laying out grounds, it will be found
necessary to lay out money. This having been
done, roses may be planted ; take care to support
each with a good stake. If you miss this it will be
a miss-take indeed, for the wind will rock them in
a manner sufficient to prove that the saying firm
as a rock is fatally untrue. Cut back such roses as
you wish to bloom early, though some florists con-
sider all such precocity as a "blooming error." You
may now plant all hardy fibrous-rooted plants,
annuals, and flowering shrubs, such as the poly-
anthus, maryannthus, snowdills, daffodrops,
primroses, pertroses, honeysuckles, sugar-suckles,
Spanish broom, Portuguese brush, &c.
In the fruit garden,every kind of bush fruit trees
should be planted at once without any beating
about the bush;" but you may use the pruning
knife upon them with Editorial vigour. If your
trees are infested with scale or other insects, they
should be carefully scaled without waiting, for
delay is dangerous. A scaling ladder will be
needed for this, especially if the trees are high.
Slaughtering is tedious and exhausting; some con-
sider it perfectly killing work."
Business in the kitchen garden now begins in
earnest-or in jest-jest as you like, so long as
the work is done. Sow yeur early London cauli-
flowers before breakfast (" Sow early in the morn-
ing as the lyric hath it). Also York cabbage, if
you expect your (k)cabbage to come up to time.
Plant cos lettuce, 'cos lettuce is just the thing to
plant. Ditto greens, potatoes, carrots, onions, and
all other Iturnips; horseradish, too, which is
thoroughly English-in fact, quite (horse) "racy
of the soil." Some -of, your peas will already put
in an ap-pea-rance above ground. Do not repulse
their forwardness ; you were young yourself once
-perhaps. Nota Beany, which is Latin for look
after your beans.
That is all at present, except to remind
gardeners that at this season the weather is par-
ticularly changeable; though considering what sort
of weather it is, perhaps the sooner it changes the
better. .

Glacial.
It is estimated by scientific men that after a
million years or so glaciers will cover Ohio. The
local opinion is that, if so, then, as now, people will
be trying to get off-ice.

The Victim of Vanity.
A clearer idea is beginning to be formed of the
cause of the death of Pongo, the poor little gorilla
at the Westminster Aquarium. From the seven
buttons found in him, it is feared that he fell a
victim to an ineffectual attempt to wear them-
inside!
A HOUSEHOLD FAIEY.-The hob-goblin.
ANIMAL SPIRITS,-The manes of horses.
THE MosT DISMAL MONTH ON RECORD.-The
"Dead March" in Saul.

THE DISPATCH OF PUBLIC
BUSINESS.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer's motion for
the appointment of a Select Committee to consider
the best means of promoting the dispatch of public
business in the House has given rise to various
suggestions, among which are the following :
Mr. Parnell: That no method will be considered
satisfactory unless two-thirds of each evening be
devoted to the discussion of Irish affairs.
Mr. Whalley : As the nation is much disturbed
by the incarceration of a certain personage at
Portsea, it will tend to allay public feeling and
expedite business if a Government night in each
week be set apart to go over the question de novo.
If the Government gracefully accede to this
moderate demand Mr. Whalley will give a
guarantee thac he will not mention the Jesuit"
throughout the session.
Major O'Gorman and one section of the Home
Rule Party will not be contented unless the
Government absolutely refuse to hear anything
Mr. Butt and his section have to say on the
subject.
Mr. Butt and his friends have a suggestion
couched in almost similar terms with regard to
Major O'Gorman.
Sir Wilfrid Lawson does not want to throw
cold water upon the good intentions of the
Government; but he trusts they will remember
that the only way to promote the dispatch of
business will be to instantly pass the Permissive
Bill. All will then be well-at least in the
country districts where water companies do not
exist.
Meanwhile the House will perhaps content
itself with Mr. Anderson's idea-the Speaker
acting the part of a gigantic pair of shears to cut
short useless orations, or the Sergeant-at-Arms
putting the extinguisher on the verbose. Either
expedient will serve.

THE COMING M--.
Mr. Charles Reade is very anxious, seemingly,
that the Coming Man," as he calls him, shall be
able to use his left hand as well as his right.
Civilization culminates in the either-handed man I
But Mr. Reade should go further. There are
other facilities the Coming Man may acquire.
For instance, if his nurse take him in hand soon
enough, he may grow up with the power of
wagging his ears like an ass; whilst judicious
ailing and manipulation would enable him to
develop into a "boneless wonder," who feeds
himself with his heel. With practice, also, Mrs.
Biffen may be outdone by him,. and the feet
become what monkeys make them, a second pair
of hands. Only think,. Mr. Reade, what you
might have accomplished had you been so taught
in your youth Why, it might have resulted in
your ,writing a couple of your incomparable novels
simultaneously, one with your hands and one with
your feet, to the delight of Mudie and the infinite
multiplication of your own Hard Cash.

THE FORCE OF IMAGINATION.
The Times must surely have borrowed a young
lion from Peterborough-court to do the Madrid
marriage festivities for its columns. For even
en route this special is so exuberant that the
sight of two old cannon on the French frontier
makes him think that the gun commanding the
river seemed tired of sunny inactivity, whilst the
one' pointed to the sea appeared to yawn with
perpetual indolence.
After this we are longing to hear of old lamp-
-posts that appear-to.guffaw at the thought of how
little they contribute-to the lighting of the streets;
of statues in the Puerto del Sol which seemed to
cough violently when the dust of the passing
thousands tickles their marble nostrils; arid of
goats which apparently, winked demonstratively
as they passed the restaurants where the flesh of
their fellow goats appeared in the bill of fare as
veal and lamb. Still, nothing he can tell us of
can beat that yawning nine-pounder ; no, not
even if he were to telegraph that he bad been
gazing on a pillar letter-box that appeared to him,
in the dim twilight, to purse up its mouth and
blow kisses to all the pretty senoritas who passed.

AUNT TOWZER IN PARLIA-
MENT.
Ah, Mr. Auditor, them Frenchies never said a
truer word than Patricks toosures Patricks.
Birds of the same father foller each other just
like a flock, and to say as them Irishers don't
have all thk talk, why, any one as often goes to
the housee must be hard on 'Erin.
There they was on Monday a-discurseing that
Intossicating Sunday Bill just as if it had come
in quite fresh, some recapitchulating as the whole
Hirish population wanted to get intossicated on
Sunday, and others a rehitererating as they didn't.
I'm sure it was as bad as a dose of add nausea,
and I wasn't a bit apprised to hear that Oh Sulli-
van say as the bill had emendated from them
Scotch, as wouldn't let people whistle on Sunday,
much less let them wet their whistles. And.;it
they didn't go and have that bill read a second'
time, though I'm sure as every one knew what it
Swas all about.
But it did take a lode off my mind, which it
was as heavy as lead, to think of them mashacres a
going on in the Heast, when I heard the Chancellor
of the Cheques say the next night as her
Majesty had been writing with her own royal
write hand to the Hemperer asking him to accella-
rate a piece, that Port being at its last dregs and
almost fit to turn on its 'eel. Ah," I says, and
what does Alicksander say 7" "Mrs. Towzer,
xma'am, "says the Chancellor, "which it would
do me proud to give you the deformation, but the
envelup is marked 'privit,' and not a syllabus
must pass my lips." Well, when 1 cheered that
perwarycatory anser I knowed as there was a screw
loose, and it gave me quite a turn. "Mark my
words," I says seriously, there's more here than

I

meets the I at first sight, and only them as have '
second sight can prop into the mistery."
And if events didn't prove as these words was
perdictions, for no sooner had I got into the
House than the Prime Mystery ups and tells the
Duke of Gargyle as the Govingment hadn't heerd
nothing from the Bushyuns about the piece, and
they wasn't a-going to wait any longer. If it
didn't take my breath away I The umbragious.
ness of the man, a-saying only a few days afore
as he was all for newtrality and for sending
around the calomel of peace, when all the while '
he was wanting to make the country into a blood.
shed. I was so upset at his disshambleing that I
went off to the Commons ; but, oh lor, here it
was just as bad, that Sir Stafford akshally
saying as he should ask on Monday for supperle.
mentary Eastimets, which means as the Goving.
ment would like to plunge us all into a wortax of
troubellance, and all for them baggage of Turkies
as have been hampering up Europe for center.
aries. Talk about unanenmity; why, I says,
ain't the Cabinet a-splitting up ? And for you to
go a-veneering round-why, the country won't
have it,
And so I left 'em to their refections and to '
disjest the bit o' pill, as I 'ope '1 do 'em good.

THE NEEDLE'S ARRIVAL.
In one sense the news is gratifying-the news
of the safe arrival of Cleopatra's Needle. In
another it weighs us down with apprehension.
It is obvious what will happen. All the old,
old jokes of a few weeks since will crop up again,
We shall be overwhelmed with suggestions as to
sites, including that terrible Threadneedle-street.
And crowds of correspondents already send us
as original r own hint that it should be sent to
Whitechapel, as that's the place for Needles.
Hundreds will suggest that representations of
the Obelisk should be taken by monolith-ography.
The name of the late respected Lord Mayor
Cotton will be dragged into the matter straight off
the reel.
We shall be told that the site of Temple Bar
would be best shown by leaving a Needle sticking
in it.
In brief, the Needle will revive all the stock
pleasantries about it which-to use a term applied
to needles-have been "ground down" till no
point is left.

BILLS THAT ARE DUE.
The following bills have not been brought in so
far, but may be heard of at a later period of the
session :
Right Hon. W. R. Adam-A Bill to put an End
to the Cultivation of Apple Trees.
Mr. H. Bannerman-A Bill to Improve the ,
Status of Colour-Sergeants.
Sir M. Hicks-Beach-A Bill to Define the
Rights of the Crown over the Foreshore.
Mr. M. Brooks-A Bill to Check the Pollution
of Rivers.
Mr. H. F. C. Cust-A Bill to Prevent un-
necessary Profanity.
Sir W. H. Dyke-A Bill to Promote the Ex-
tension of Surface Drainage.
Mr. G. H. Finch-A Bill for the Protection of
Small Birds.
Mr. C. J. Monk-A Bill to Provide for the In-
spection of Monasteries.
Sir S. Waterlow-A Bill to Guard against the
High Tides on the Thames.
Mr. A. C. Sheriff-A Bill to Amend the Hang- :
ing Arrangements.
Right Hon. L. Playfair-A Bill to Regulate
the Playing of Games of Chance.
Captain B. Pim-A Bill to Promote the Sale of
Stout and Oysters.
Mr, J. A. Roebuck-A Bill to Regulate the
Hunting of Red Deer.
Sir J. Hogg-A Bill to Promote the Importa-
tion of Irish Bacon.

BANK JOTTINGS.
The fact that the letter d represents pence is
the reason why penny savings banks are called
banks of D-posit.
When the stability of a bank depends on the
amount of notes in circulation, it is generally con-
sidered a flimsy concern.
The celebrated banks" of Newfoundland are
supposed to have the largest floating capital in the
world.
When a banker complains of a weight on his
mind, it is generally owing to the state of his
customers' "balances."
The rate of speed attained by a running account
is generally termed the Bank-rate.
The meetings of the Bank of England directors
are known among themselves as sittings in Bank-o.
* In very fashionable West-end banks it is the
correct thing to speak of an overdrawn account"
as "an exaggerated statement."

AUNT TOWZER ON VICTOR
EMMANUEL.
I never did see any one like that Pie oh, No no!
There's poor Vigour Enamel suckumbed to them '
Romish mal-arias, and young Humber made King,
and yet!that Pope is still a.giving auditoriums and '.4
consistencies,, and sending the hat round to them
cardinals as collect his pence. Ahli, Hitaly owes a i
lot to Vigour, free and easy as it is, right from the
Yalps to the Idiotic Sea.

A Froggy Wood.
Windsor Forest, which, however many of these
reptiles there may be elsewhere, always contains
one Frog-more.

A Happy Release.
Colonel Coope, Globe correspondent, captured by
the Russians, has been released. In other and
better-chosen words, the gallant officer is no longer
.Coop-ed up. If he is wise, he will, after his captivity,
return home and re-Coope-erate.

A PERFECT SUBSTITUTE FOR GOLD.-Notes ..

i

i

SATURDAY,------FEBR---J---Y--2,;-1878.]----FUNNY----FOLKS.--

MEDIATION.
Sing a song of mediation,
Pipe a meek, pacific plea,
t' Counselling conciliation
In an Asia Minor key.
'Tis a cheerful work before us:
Austria, won't yon sing the strain ?
France, perhaps you'll join in chorus ?-
Will you, Prussia, China, Spain ?
Throw yourselves in Sabine fashion
'Twixt the wranglers at their work;
Try, reduce the Russian's passion,
Try and reason with the Turk.
With the hate of shells and shots,
Preach from texts discreetly taken,
Quote the Reverend Dr. Watts.
It's perhaps a mixed-up sermon,
What the parts are none can tell;
Shall he take an inch, say, German;
Frenchman, shall he have an ell ?
Who will see a Czar insult an
Ancient Empire while it's down ?
.l Who would say a wicked Sultan
Shouldn't lose his ugly crown ?
Is it strange each neck gets stiffer
Which Europa thinks she bends?
4 When the mediators differ
4 Can the enemies be friends ?
It is very pretty prating,
,. But suggests a future sight-
Czar and Sultan mediating
In the mediators' fight!

AN ADMIRAL ARRANGEMENT.
"Oh, the Admirals !" videe comic song.)
The British navy consists of two hundred and
ninety-seven ships, of all sorts and sizes, in com-
mission, and a very large number this is, too,
when you come to think of the cost of one iron-
clad. But, proud as we may be of our fleet, there
is one fact in connection with it that is-well, just
a little puzzling. It is this. To command our
two hundred and ninety-seven ships we have
.exactly three hundred and thirty-two admirals,
which gives you one admiral for every ship, large
or small, and then leaves thirty-five of them over
without any vessel to command, which is, of
course, very hard or these worthy naval officers.
Perhaps, though, they are used up by putting two
admirals aboard all the big ironclads-one to
command the stem, and the other the stem, you
'know, and possibly a third amidships, in excep-
.tional cases, to act as a sort of umpire
between the other two. It does puzzle uBi though,
sll third, because we used to think admirals com-

manded whole fleets of, say, ten or a dozen
vessels, and not merely the poop-deck or bows of a
single ship. It was bad enough to think our poor
generals only had one hundred and thirty men
under each of them on an average; but these
estimable old mariners are much worse off, for they
have only eight-ninths of a ship a-piece. Let us
hope the Government will push matters on, so as
to at least give them a whole one to themselves.

ENGLAND'S HOME OF
MYSTERY.
Not the Houses of Parliament, with the Premier
as the great Mystery-man. That would be
most appropriate; but the term is given to
the Egyptian Hall, now that Messrs. Maskelyne
and Cooke have appropriately opened it for the
display of their wonders. There their sphynx-
like automaton Psycho is on view, and there also
the fair rival Zoe. These may be justly termed
the marvels of the day, without Psycho-metaphor
or Zoe-trope. There 'also are given mysterious
manifestations of the creepy-creepy order, forming
a happy combination of the incantation scene in
Der Freisihutz and Goethe's Walpurgis Night.
Lately we dropped in and found a fresh marvel.
There was that poor Mr. Cooke, who is always
being bound in chairs, sealed up in cabinets, sewn
up in nets, or otherwise maltreated, now coolly
having his head cut off and left in a dish to cool
on the sideboard 1 Mr. Maskelyne, who wielded
the knife, said Mr. Cooke didn't mind-in fact,
rather liked it-and as the audience evidently
liked it very much, we suppose that in the merry
game between the two clever illusionists, Mr.
Cooke will long be content to abide by his
partner's dictum-" heads you lose."

Ord-acious.
Major-General Sir Harry Ord, the new governor,'
has arrived at Albany, West Australia Sir Harry
has been well chosen; since it is the duty of a
governor to keep Ord-er.

A Leithy Omission.
A Leith firm of spirit dealers have been !fined
.525 for omitting to make certain entries in their
stock book in accordance with the Excise Laws. It
would seem from the firm's forgetfulness that the
air of Leith has the same effect as the water of
Lethe.

WAR NOTES.
(Picted up at the Peers' entrance on the opening of Par-
Ziament; writing resembling that of the author of
" Lothair.")
England requires a war. Trade will )e revived
by it; wages will rise (for men will be wanted
for fighting) ; and the end will be glory and
general prosperity. To this end several things
will be needed, besides, of course, the one great
essential-money. Of these the following are
notes and suggestions :
(a) An Irish Legihn to be embodied. O'Gorman,
who has proved himself good in the manage-
ment of Division, to be given a command as
General of Division. Other Home-Rulers
who are M.P.'s to have high rank in this
army.
(b) Col. V. B. to be recalled, and made com-
mander-in-Chief in Turkey.
(c) Hobart Pasha to be reinstated (for the second
time) in the British Navy, and be Admiral of
the combined Fleets.
(d) Dr. Vachell to be Surgeon-General of the
forces in the East, and Col. Coope Director
of the Ambulance Corps.
(e) The Home Secretary to obtain returns of the
number of men on strike who may be enlisted.
To consult the Attorney-General as to a com-
pulsory bill for this purpose.
(f) Consult also as to an Act to enlist compul-
sorily all persons applauding Macdermott's
"War Song about the Russians not having
Constantinople. Those joining in the chorus
(in the right key) to be non.-com. officers.

NOT SO "DUSTY!"
There is a cremationists' organ in Germany called
the Urn, but it is not published diurnally, as might
be expected. The articles are all somewhat warm
in tone; in fact, what may be called burning
language is not infrequent. It refuses to treat on
" grave subjects, and evidently considers all refer-
ence to sextous, grave digging, and the like infra
dig. Some of its retorts on the defenders of the
present system of burial are very heated, and it
waxes very funny on the "Unsymmetry of
Cemeteries." A feature very scathing in its satire,
though, perhaps, scarcely in good taste, are its series
of communications from Worms.

Literary.
Cassell's "Industries of Great Britain" will not
be edited by M. Michel Chevalier, or, in fact, any
Chevalier de l'Industrie.

OUTER PBAR-BARIANs-Those who "never went
east of Temple Bar."

VALUELESS INFORMATION.
[BY OuaR Ow INQUIRE WITHINNER.]
The Times of yesterday, rolled up tightly, and
stuffed into the right ear, will generally subdue the
fiercest bunion.
The McCaw is a bird which inhabits the highest
points of the Grampians; while the O'Riole gene-
rally builds its nest in Cork trees.
A little powdered geography makes the teeth
beautifully white, and imparts a delightful fra-
grance to the breath.
It is said that hogs fatten sooner on Gladstonian
post-cards than on any other description of cattle-
spice.
The Commissioners of Sewers write to the
Lancet, stating that Spelling Reform is a sure
disinfectant.
The male umbrella has, according to the most
eminent physiologists, one rib less than the female.
Used daily as a leaping-pole, the Duke of York's
column enlarges the mind and promotes indigestion.
Whitaker's Almanacks, spread thinly with diluted
treacle and celery-tops, are an excellent substitute
for Ridge's Patent Food.
Efficiency in the higher mathematics is best
attained by simmering finely-chopped gas-pipes in a
copper pan, with a dash of Seville orange.

Ex-horsetive Reform.
The new King of Italy has begun well in personal
retrenchment by putting down one thousand of his
late father's horses. This is a good sign, for it
shows his promised economies have a "stable"
element in them, at all events.

Resenting the Lash.
The special visit of Mr. Adam, M.P., to Greenock
failed, after all, to make any of the Liberal candi-
dates retire. It was a great mistake to send him,
for free Britons, whether Liberals or Tories, have a
great and natural objection to be coerced by a
"whip."

CORRESPONDENCE.
*.,ontribntions are sent at authors' or artists' own rilk.
& the Editor willnot be responsible lor them. or undertake to
return them.
Joux ORDERLY.-Tho collar of the Order of St.
George is fastened with a snap-dragon.
B. C. CuAmt.-Moodor's Hire System isquitoaMoodoru
invention.
WA.TCtsi,tN.-Chronos, or Time, as his emblem reveals,
was a Scythian.
Goon TEMpLArn.-Templo Bar was completed In
March, 1673, but it was not thoroughly finished off till
January, 1878.
DE LESEPS.s-Theo Bodouins are fatalists, and object
to jauy scientific interference with their "ever lasting
desert." Their motto is" Cite Sahara, Sahara."

TOOLE AND HIS MONEY AT THE GLOBE.

t C
7 "1 'W

S"..

q,

Lll

1. Mr. Brabazon Vandeleur (to Daughter). "My sweet
Kate, Percival Ransome is a 'capital catch. You must marry
him. My sacred wife is possibly looking down upon me."
Swoet Kate: "Probably she always did when she was alive.
I will look after Percival."
2. Kate has "looked after" Percival, believing him
wealthy. He does not inform her that he'has lost his money
and become Chawles's factotum. ;-Enter Chawles :
"Ahem-now then, John-Co-o-o-holes."

3. Mr. Toole devises a method for frightening off all
"swell females with aims on his fortune.
4. Toole: "Look here, Righton, you old cauliflower.
You've found that I've got the money, and you're right on for
me a-marrying of your daughter. I don't want her. Take
her away, or I'll dr-r-r-op her. [Drops her.
5. Toole (weeping to his man servant). "Ain't it something
s-candle-ass, Milligan ? Here I ham in the middle of Whales

like a second Jonah, but with a big forten and everything
going wrong. It's bad enough for the women to be a-hunting
carter you, but when it comes to bad grub-why, I say it's
' monsterious.' -
6. Toole himself again. His late master was, he is happy
to say, insane when he made him his heir. His property now
belongs to, Percival. But he has his Mary-vice Kate-and
is happy.

SATURDAY, FEBRUJCJY 2, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

36 FUNNY FOLKS.

.[SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, I'H78.

THE RED DISPATCH BOX.
[On the opening of Parliament Sir Stafford Northcote's
Bed Dispatch Box was an object of much interest, being
supposed to contain mysterious State Secrets. The real
state of the case it is the object of the following lyric to
show.]
With stately air Sir Stafford rose,
And placed the box beside him,
While Tory friends and Liberal foes
With curious glances eyed him.
That red dispatch box was for all
The point of concentration;
For secrets might be there to fall
Like thunder on the nation.
Of solemn documents a batch
They felt'must there await 'em-
Perhaps a Gortschakoff dispatch,
Or Russia's ultimatum;
.Or slow Andrassy might explain
His Government's intention,
To go with England might and main
In instant intervention.
From Liberal seats came whispered speech
Of Ministerial folly,
And hints of Russia's power to reach
Stamboul and Gallipoli.
'Gladstone's expression was intense,
And Hartington's satiric,
With thoughts too weighty to condense
Into a single lyric.
The Opposition for the fray
Was confident and eager ;
Alas I how disappointed they
To hear a tale so meagre.
The red. dispatch box was unlocked,
All pausing for a minute,
But curiosity was mocked,
For-there was nothing in it I

THE SUPPLEMENTARY VOTE.
What an excitement was caused by the few
millions asked for by Sir Stafford Northcote!
People seem actually reluctant to open their
pockets; and there were Members in the House
who, when it was first mentioned, actually wanted
to know what the money was for ?
And when told that it was to make provision,
if any circumstances should require that course
to be taken," still they were not happy. They
refused to be comforted, though the Post was
sure "the country will welcome any sign the
Government may give of its determination that,
come what will, England will make her power
felt in the settlement of the present war;" and
though the Telegraph (which is not Conservative,
lor bless you, no 1) believed Sir Stafford's asking
for this money will be hailed by the British
people generally" with joy, and the Standard
was jubilant over the inevitable satisfaction it
would afford to the country.
Perhaps it was because the Times echoed Lord
Hartington's statement that the announcement
would produce throughout the country "real
grief and excitement," that so many people looked
glum and the funds were affected. So many
people pin their faith to the Times that it needed
the true, joyous nature of things to percolate into
society before it was perceived. When it was, of
course there was a revulsion of feeling, and every-
body was glad to find, as
instructed, that the expendi-
ture was a saving in dis- -
guise, and our plunging into -
war was really the last and
best hope of peace P" -

.. ,\

THE UNIVERSAL EPIDEMIC.
Peasant Venus (a trifle past her prime, perhaps).-LoV AH, YES; VERYy
ONE HTAS TO GO THROuGH IT! I HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT l

THE SPANISH WEDDING.

[FROM OUR SPECIAL COMMISSIONER.]

Mingled thoughts of senoritas, bull-fights,
guitars, onions, mantillas, galleons, and dons
crowded into my teeming brain as I alighted at
the Madrid terminus and unfurled the banner
on which, in choice idiomatic Spanish, was
embroidered the fact that I was the commissioner
of this journal, come to strew the path of the
happy pair with festive jokes.
Catching sight of a native with his hair in a

route whilst I was turning to salute a balcony of
sloe-eyed beauties.*
My reception was most cordial from the first;
in fact, the story that I, on arriving, had begged
a porter to secure me a couple of cantharides for
myself and luggage, quickly spread over the city ;
and thus my reputation as a wag was soon made.
In order to maintain it I. kept awake most of
the night before the wedding; and as I had
pleasant companions and choice wines of the
country, it was not altogether unlike keeping a
wake in a country nearer home. We were all
about on the auspicious morn soon after daybreak.
Crowds of pleasure-seekers were on every side,

known the royal At6 would not be there to spoil
the joyous event.
But if the royal Ate was not there, another
"eighty was. I allude to the eighty thousand
visitors that had flocked into the city for the
f *tes..
It will please your feminine readers to learn
that the Princess Mercedes came up from Aranjuez
for the wedding in her own train-an unusually
long one. The young king, on the other hand,
went to church in his own carriage, which, I may
say, is at once manly and graceful, and not devoid
of royal stateliness.
The bridegroom was dressed in a captain.
general's uniform, and, despite the Golden Fleece
he wore, looked anything but sheepish. The
bride wore a wreath of Seville orange blossoms
and a Pearl of the Antilles necklace ; and her
white satin dress was not only covered with
Spanish point-lace, but laced up the back as well.
Several patriarchs and bishops assisted in tying
the nuptial knot-a knot, by the way, that cannot
possibly be tied without a beau being in it; and
the choir was augmented by opera singers, of
whom Pauline Lucca was Lucca-ly one.
The fetes have been continuing ever since, but
they cease this (Monday) night. On Saturday I
kept the bull-ring in a roar for an hour, and some
of my choicest efforts have been repeated to
Royalty. I have kept in ever since I heard this,
expecting the Golden Fleece by parcels delivery.
As soon as I get it, I shall start for Red Lion-
court again.

THE NEW CONSERVATIVE
ORGAN
[" The Daily Telegraph may be classed with the other
Conservative Orgaus."--peech of the Duke of Argyll in
the House of Lords.) _
All interested in organic researches should in.
spect the above remarkable instrument. It may
be seen in action any day at Peterborough-court,
Fleet-street. It is an organ of vast dimensions,
having in respect of wind the "largest circular,
tion of any instrument of the kind.
Its stops are also very numerous.
The Trumpet Stop is enormous. No other
organ has such a trumpet, or can blow it with
such vigour.
The Bellows are worked by steam, and the
"Wind-bags are practically inexhaustible.
The "Vox Humani Stop" is a prodigious
success of this organ. It constantly appeals to the
"Voice of Humanity" in the most effective
manner. The stop can be easily played, and is
charming when used in minor keys, such as the
Indian Famine Fantasia presents.
The Swell" in this organ is of peculiar con-
struction. In martial movements it is used with
tremendous effect. Rule Britannia "' under the
swell of this organ is thrilling. It is used
crescendo or diminuendo, according to circum-
stances. We have heard a grand "Turkish March"
dying softly away, and introducing the "Russian
Quick Step," given in splendid style.
The Keyboard is worked by electricity-that
is to say, by electric telegrams. Here false notes
may, it is said, be occasionally detected, and the
public ear is distracted in consequence.
The Vox Celeste is a stop generally turned
on at Christmas and othe: festival periods, and
always on Good Friday. At
such times the strains from
_- __Peterborough-court are ethe-
real, not to say angelic in
tone.
The "Serpent Stop," en-
i tirely an invention of the
) y modern school, is most effec-

NEW MINISTER S. 'V ___
NEW MINSTER___- __The_ "Expression Stop is
About three hundred very telling in pathetic move-
About three hundred '
gentlemen (and perhaps a ments, and can be used in
few ladies) awoke on Friday any key, major or minor. It
morning to the fact that they has not, however, a very
had missed their vocation, natural sound, being chiefly
affected by flats.
and had been destined by / afeted b as
Providence to sit in the arm- Pels are compli-
chairs of Lords Derby and cated, and used only in fugal
Carnarvon. But it's no use passages. Few get an idea
their applying for the posts. of the powers of this organ
Their "running," as Messrs. unless they hear the" T1ele-
Kurr and Benson would re- ngraph Galop," a movement
mark, is all between some so rapid that it is always in
half-dozen or so. The rest advance of other organs.
are out of the field. The drawback here is that
The Premier makes no the stops have to be altered
secret of the fact that the frequently, and portions of
Foreign Secretary of his the movement repeated in
choice would be Mr. Mac- slower time.
dermott. But Mr. M. says In general appearance the
he makes more by singing instrument is similar to other
war songs than he possibly organs. It is erected on
could do by speaking. And columns, and the music is
he can't get on without a \played from Shorthand
chorus.u Notes." Another feature
AMr. Hardy would like is the frequent use of
Baker Pasha ; but Salisbury symbols-Hebraic and other-
said, "1Why not the Turkish wise.
Ambassadoratonce?" And .Altogether the new Con-
Beaconsfield said that servative organ is a very as-
"Really, you know, S. had .__ / tonishing instrument.
some good .ideas some- /\-,i -___ _--__-_____
times." sidhe"oldc m -aWhist t Oh, Whist t
As to Matinman Barry, it
is said he would concliate "A very bitter and whist-
allparties. They'd all retire", playing opponent of the
together. .d, .THE ELYSIUM OF LEARNING., Government speaking at a
Our ownfavourites (know- THE LONDON UNIVERSITY HAS LED THE WAY BY GRANTING UNIVERSITY DEGREES TO LADIES. HOW LONG WILL political meeting the other
mg the proclivities of a IT BE BE FORE SWEET GIRL GRADUATES," AND UNDERGRADUATES SWEETER STILL, WILL GIVE FRESH IMPETUS TO Venmark, "was met with the re-
peculiarly literary Premier) LEARNING ON THE BANKS OF THE ISIS AND THE CAMP marn, Ah, but the Ministry
means to deal with the Burial
are Anthony Trollope for Question "Deal with the
the Colonies, and M. George Augustus Sala for thick chenille net, a pair of velvetbreeches, and and all seemed very happy, for some soured Burial QuestionI" re-echoed the indignant orator.
Foreign Affairs. a scarlet sash wound round his sprigged waist- Spanish bondholders who had come hoping to see I "Yes, perhaps they will, and shuffle the Eastern
coat, I motioned to him, with 'courtly Castilian a row between the Queen-dowager and her son, difficulty, and cut the Reform of the Franchise.
Im .. Iugrace, to take my banner and precede me to the had gone to bed disgusted when it was finally But let them deal, and shuffle, and cut, and play
Impromptu. British Embassy; and the alacrity with which he - every court card in the pack, and even then they'll
(On seeing Mr. Tooze in "A Fool and his Money,") did so speaks volumes for Spanish gentlemen, I *It is peculiar-quite a paradox, in fact--than tb -not win the rnb, unless it's by tricksI"
Our Toole, In being made a "Fool" of think; though I an bound 't' si'Y standard- ladies with the sloe-eyes manage to flash the- quickest MINOR THAT NEVER -
of glances at your commissioner over their fans.-Your A MINOR THAT NEVER Cos OF AGE.-A8ia
Shews how a fool is inade a tool of. bearer did his best to slope up a side street enIs Minor.'

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1878.]

"SHEER DESPERATION."
A PARNELLIAN WAR-SONG.
[Mr. Parnell was recently good enough to explain
that, though "he had been blamed for taking part in
English legislation, he assured the House that he had
only done so in sheer desperation."]

If I've ever made Northcote to sit upon thorns,
Or set Willie Harcourt a-wailing ;
If I've caught a dilemma and sharpened its horns
All ready for Baxon impaling ;
-', I've gabbled away till the hearing grew sore,
In spite of your weak deprecation ;
It wasn't because I was willing to bore-
I did it in sheer desperation!
When I've bearded the Speaker again and again-
Methinks he's a Brand that is rusted I-
When I've egged on bold Biggar with might and
with main
To Blue-Book the Commons disgusted ;
When I've watched for the faces the grey dawn
would bring,
All wan with a night's legislation,
SDon't think that I took a delight in the thing-
I did it in sheer desperation I
And if I in the future pull Hartington's nose-
And some day I will, if I'm able-
;* Or stamp with my hobnails on Gladdy's square
toes,
Or chase Harry Raikes round the Table ;
JI use the sweet Mace as a weapon to slay
The fees of the proud Celtic nation;
If, in short, I do anything out of the way,
I shall do it in sheer desperation I

A FINIS TO FOGS!
r Le General M. M. Franzini has most obligingly
devoted his leisure hours to discovering a remedy
for London fogs. He has found out that all they
want is to be blown away by a current of air.
This current of his-and only the rude would re-
. tort A fig for his current 1"-he proposes to
produce by discharging two cannon, one due
east and one due west, through the thick of the
fog; and he has magnanimously offered to pay
for the blank cartridge if the Government will
provide the cannon, which he proposes to place in
Hyde Park.
Supposing his plan prove successful we shall
' have at once a new and constant employment for
our artillery in the winter. Guns and detach-
Sments of men will have to be kept in readiness all
over London, or else the fog blown from one part

FUNNY FOLKS. 37

SIMPLICITY ITSELF.
Suburban Resident to Builder.-OH, I WANTED TO PUT A TIN Fox ON THE Tor
OF M HOUSE AS A VANE. WHAT OUGHT I TO DO ?
Surveyor.-Do F WHY, GIVE NOTICE TO PARISH UNDER METROPOLIS LOCAL
ACT-GIVE NOTICE OF HALTERATION TO DISTRICT SURVEYOR-SEND IN PLAN,
ELEVATION, SECTION, CROSS-SECTION, AND BLOCK.PLAN OF ADJACENT PROPERTY
WITH DESIGN AND TWO PERSPECTIVES OF FOX-ENCLOSE TWO COPIES OF ALL ON
LINEN TO BOARD OF WORKS, SPRING GARDENS, AND THEN-WAIT!

will settle in another. Thus we shall get the COG-WHEEL COOKS.
excitement of a bombardment of the metropolis
about twice a week I The .Echo tells its readers of an automatic
The only drawback is the question whether domestic steam-engine, by which most of the mul-
the link men could not demand compensation tifarious duties of the kitchen now done by ser-
from the Government for the disestablishment of vants can be performed. This wonderful agency
London fogs; whilst the makers of fog lozenges will rmast meat, clean boots, grind coffee, chop
and signals would also doubtless advance like suet, beat carpets, and whip eggs. And very soon
claims. we should think it will be also capable of the

more delicate duties of peeling potatoes, slicing
cucumber, rolling paste, stoning figs, trussing
fowls, and basting the joints. In fact, we now
look with renewed hope towards the day when our
cooks and housemaids will be mechanical arrange-
ments of cog-wheels and cranks, worked by steam
and clockwork; and which, should they work un-
satisfactorily, will require only a little oil instead of
a month's warning. What a sweet boon it will
be, dinner over, to carefully dust our cook and
put her away under the dresser, well assured that
no policeman will care to clasp her iron frame or
dally with her cog-wheels. Hasten, then, 0 science,
the halcyon days of clockwork cooks, automatic
housemaids, dumb waiters, and electric nurse-
maids !

ASPARAGUS END-EAVOURS.
Paper from asparagus ends-that is the very
newest notion. And not common brown paper
either, or inferior foolscap ; but" cream wove note "
of the finest description. The Globe proposes that
an Asparagus End Company, Limited, should be
immediately started; and, looking at the matter
through spectacles of an appropriate rose hue, pro.
phesies a fortune to the promoter of the scheme.
Should the enterprising individual be found, the
ends of asparagus will soon cease to be the neglected
refuse they are at present. Heads of economical
families will look sharply after them; and cooks
haggling about a situation will inquire, "Is hends
among the perquisites 'ere P" before accepting the
place. It is not by any means improbable that
mean diners-out, anxious to turn a dishonest penny,
will be detected in the act of pocketing the paper-
pulp-containing stems, instead of allowing them to
be carried away on a plate. Chefs may even. in
the future, pay a small salary to be permitted to
pursue their culinary operations at the large West
End clubs, and reap a rich harvest from the as.
paragus end-owments. *
In the meantime, however, as the company is not
yet in existence, further speculation would be idle.

Paradoxical.
It is rumoured about Downing.street that ingra.
titude is rampant there. The very clerks who owe
their position to the Premier are "Diz".appointed.

Anthony and Cleopatra.
A quaint old historian calls Cleopatra a "trol.
lope." How time changes opinions I At present
the unanimous opinion is that Anthony is the
Trollope.
THE MOST AMUSING PAGE IN DICKENS.-The
Fat Boy in "Pickwick."

FUNNY FOLKS.

[SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 1878.

A TELEGRAPHIC TRAGEDY.

HOMAS MORGAN at the
S wire
Of a district post did duty,
And he muchly did admire
A golden-haired and blue-
eyed beauty.
At a bar of Spiers and Pond
3 He first saw her, gay and
chaffyy,"
And with her did correspond
By Electric Tele-graphy.
Thomas Morganby the wire
Sending tender words in plenty
To the maid of his desire
Did not limit them to twenty.
"Angel," "darling," "love," and dove"
Filled his lines too much by half-he
Scarce could think of aught but love
By Electric Tele-graphy.
Thomas Morgan by the wire -
Had to send a missive pressing
To a maiden from a squire
Aught but tender and caressing.
To this maid whom all forgot
Word came as she sipped her caf6,
"Would she like to change her lot ?"
By Electric Tele-graphy.
Back acceptance came by wire,
Thomas Morgan terrifying;
He to soothe her righteous ire,
Said "for her he was not sighing."
But a breach of promise brought
The maid against the luckless Taffy,
Who by damages was taught
Not to woo by Tele-garphy.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.
(Why not '"A Toole and his Money,"
Mr. Byron ?)
ACT I.
SCENE-Ba- daln e alt. FAMILY LAWYER
discovered.
FAMILY LAWYER. Mr. Ransom, the
eccentric and valetudinarian owner of this
desirable property is dead.
[Toote's voice heard without. Audience
shrick with merriment.e
Enter TOOL.
TOOLE. I 'umbly scratch my chin in
acknowledgment of this enthusiastic
applause. [Scratches his chin.
FAMILY LAwYER. The vulgar Ransome
butler. Bah! [Sneers at Toole, and exit.
Enter MARY DRAPER, a housemaid.
MARY. We love one another ?
TOOLE. Perhaps so [Emit Mary.
Enter PERCIVAL RANSOM. -
P CIVAL. I am thehe ir to the property. S
TOOLE. My future master! No matter.
I must, of course, mistake him for a foot-
man in search ef a situation. [Mistakes him. 1
Enter FAMILY LAWYER.
FAMILY LAWYER (to Percival). What!
Mr. Ransom.
TOOLE. Oh, lor! [Inevitable Toole collapse. /
FAMILY LAwYER. I am aware, Mr.
Ransome, that you are tired after your jour.
ney, and have had no refreshment. But
that must not stand in the way of duty.
Let us at once go through the ancestral
deed-box.
PERCIVAL. Agreed! Every one guesses
what we shall find.
FAMILY LAWYER (searching box). Ah!
A will, leaving everything to Toole.
PERCIVAL. Exactly. I will break the
news to him.
'fhter TOOLE. | !i
TOOLE (with excusable conceit). I can
make people laugh by merely sitting on the
edge of a chair.
PERCIVAL. You are rich. My uncle has
left you all. As for me, I am a beggar!
TOOLE. Eh? No! Ah! Then--
PERCIVAL. As you are an exceptionally
vulgar man-servant, and I am a gentleman
of very old family, I will, if you will allow
me, become your footman John.
TOOLE. But remember that Mr. Byron
describes this piece as an original comic
drama," and not as a farcical comedy, or
anything of that kind.
PEBCIVAL. What care I-or any of us, in 3.
fact-for that? ret
TOOLE. Oh, very well, then. Coals, John!
[Tableau-Percival making up the fire.

ACT II.
ScENz-Drawing-room of Teole's Welsh Retreat. Enter,
through, French window MR. RIGHTON and his
daughter KATE.
KATE. Why do we thus stroll into a stranger's
houjt, papa ?
MR. RIGHTON. In the uncivilized solitudes of
Wales it is the custom, my child. [But I must
seek Toole. [Exit.

Enter TOOLE.
TOOLE. Observe the gaiters and the velveteen
shooting-jacket. I am got up 4 la country gentle-
man. I have but to turn round, and the audience
will be convulsed at the pearl saucer-buttons which
adorn my coat behind.
Enter MR. RInHTOxt.
MR. EIGHTON. Gamekeepers are so constantly
found alone in their masters' drawing-rooms that
I can scarcely avoid mistaking Toole for one.

Besides, the incident will be so fresh, Percival
having already been mistaken for some one else in
the first act. (To Toole.) I say, what an ass
Toole is!
TOOLS. Sir!
Enter PERCIVAL.
TOOLE (with dignity). Come 'ere, John!
[Mr. Bighton apologises, and exit.
TOOLE (looking from window). Mary Draper
and another girl! I will hide. I always am so
funny behind a screen. [Hides.
Enter MARY DRAPER and KATE.
KATE. Mr. Toole is bobbing up and down behind
the screen, running in and out, and talking evei so
much louder than we do; but, bless you, in our
maiden simplicity, we wot nothing of his presence.
TOOLE (coming forward). Maiy Draper, I dis-
card ye !
MARY. False one! But I will reveal all.
[Reveals all.
Enter MR. RIGHTON and PERCIVAL.
ME. RIGHTON. Toole a butler, when I took him
for a gentleman! It is too much! Assist me,
Percival, in going for his ill-gotten saucer-buttons.
[Tableau-Toole being torn in half.
ACT III.
SCENE Breakfast-room in Toole's Welsh Retreat.
ToOLs and his VALET discovered.
TOOLE. I loathe my breakfast.
VALET. Cheer up, sir. Have you not a Bard ?'
TOOLE. True! (With lively recollection of a

TOOLE (who takes it very calmly, considering).
Isn't it, now P
PERCIVAL. I shall marry Kate, while you shall
be set up in a pub--
TOOLS. And wed Mary Draper. Hooray! I
will robe my potman in this gorgeous livery. It
will attract much genteel custom, and I shall never
have to regret that a Toole and his money were
soon parted!
[Loud applause, and
CURTAIN.
OURSELVES. A rattling lively piece, fairly
bubbling over with jokes, good, bad, and
indifferent old Millers and ancient Byrons,
besides new and original quips. Toole as Toole,
more screamingly-comic than usual, which is saying
a good deal. Mr. Righton good also, though he
needn't be quite so much like that somniferous old
Weathersby Grandison in the Great Divorce Case
wakened up. The other roles are ably filled, and
A Fool and his Money is probably destined to
bring plenty of the latter commodity to the merry
little Globe.

Absurd.
"Wel may the keel row !" asserts the Scottish
song with curious persistence. But we deny that
it may do anything of the kind; for if a keel may
row, surely a mast may steer, a deck may be
hoisted, a bowsprit furled, and a jibboom hard-a-
ported. Surely, then, it is time such a nautical
"absurd-ditty" were corrected.

THE STORY OF AN ORDER.
PRESENTED BY JONES AT THE ROYAL PETTITOES THEATRE.

The Manager, appealed to, 4. Jolly Dinner on the Strength 5. And the Manager could never un-
urns the Order- N CASH of the Cashed Order. derstand why he was Two Guineas short.

Broughian "wheeze.") Take this box of sardines,
and-put it in the Bar-r-rd!
Enter MR. RIGHTON.
MR. eRIHTON. I am determined you shall marry
my daughter Kate.
TOOLS. But I have been a butler!
MR. RIGHTON. No matter! You are wealthy,
and you have never absolutely worn livery.
TOOLE. No-but I will! It ought to fetch 'em
even better than the saucer-buttons! [Exit.
Enter FAMILY LAWYER, PERCIVAL, KATE, and MARY
DRAPER.
FAMILY LAWYER. We have had the will of the
late Mr. Ransom set aside, and the property is
therefore Percival's.
MR. RIGHTON. Yes, but look here. How could
you do this without Toole knowing anything about
it ? That isn't law, you know.
PERCIVAL. Good enough law for a "comic
drama," anyhow.
Enter TOOLE in a crimson and gold livery.
TOOLE (proudly). There! Having appeared in
this costume, I don't care how soon you drop the
curtain.
PERCIVAL. The IEansome property is no longer
yours.

"Standing Room Only."
Mr. Irving being announced to appear in a morning per-
formance of the Bells, the papers state that "every seat
has been already taken." Who has purloined the seats,
and why the manager did not prevent their removal, is
not stated. It will be rather awkward for spectators,
on arriving, to find no place to sit down. Their only
consolation will be that they, like the eminent tragedian
himself, will thus become persons of standing.

ADVERTISEMENTS.

CHARGE OF THE FAIR
BRIGADE.
(With the Junior Partner's Apologies to Mr. Tennyson,)
Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All on the Underground line
Rode tha Six Hundred.
"Right cried the guard of t'.e train,
"tight I" for the Sale," he said;
Into the terminus then
Glide the Six Hundred.
Forward the bright brigade;
Was there a heart dismayed?
Not, the' it seemed too true,
Some one had fainted.
Their's not to call a ly,
Aldgate the station igh
Their's but to try aandibuy;
Into the premises
Came the Six Hundred.
Counters to right of them,
Counters to left of them,
Counters in front of them,
Dighted and lumbered;
Greeted with chair and grace,
Boldly they entered apace,
Into the matter fain,
Into the "Sale" amain,
Went the Six Hundred.
Flashed all their note-books fair,
Flashed all the pencils there,
Noting with all duo care
Purchases rich and rare-
All the world wondered.
Plunged in the "Hibernum Sale,"
Pleased with each neat detail,
Silken and Linen;
Metre and yard stick fail
Almost to measure.
Then they hark back, but not-
Not unencumbered.
Counters to right of them,
Counters to left of them,
Counters behind them,
Piled up with wonders.
Offered some bargains rare,
Mtute with a great despair;
They that had bought so well
Came from the "Tempus Sale"
Tired and deadly pale-
Weary Six Hundred.
When can their gladness fade ?
Oh! the good time they had,
All the world wondered.
Honour the "parcels made,"
Heneur the Draper's trade,
Noble Six Hundred !
POST TEMPUS HIBERNUM SALE.

D. LONSDALE & Co.,
ALDGATE, CITY.

SILKS.
In addition to our Guaranteed Wear Black and
1 Coloured Silks which will be offered at 20 per cent.
reduction off the lowet prices ever taken for such
n1d gods, there will be a Special Line of-
li Coloured Japanese at ls Old the yard, were s2a
S Coloured Garos Grains
Slightly damaged 1. Isd the yard, were 3s lid
Velvet Velveteens, at is d the yard, were is 9d
Silk Velvets, at 2s Old the yard, were s lid

QUILTS.
Our' well-known makes In Toilet, Marsella, German, and Towels (Honeycomb) . . from id each
Alhambra. =-- Tilet Covers ; . 4d, worth qd each
White uilts. . from Is Hid to is Curtain Damasks, all Wool. .. from ls iAd the yd
Coloured- .- from Is lld to 4s lld Cretonnes . . ... from 44 to Is .d
Dimities from id, worthld the yd Lace Curtains, Floral and Set Patterns from 2s. lid to 50s

CLOSE to the ALDGATE STATION of the METROPOLITAN RAILWAY and within
easy distance of the Stations at Feachurch-street, Broad-street, Cannon-street, Bishopsgate, and London Bridge.

DO NOT UNTIMELY DIE I
SORE THROATS CURED WITH ONE DOSE.

FENNINGS' STOMACH MIXTURE.
BOWEL COMPLAINTS cured with One Dose.
TYPHUS or LOW FEVER cured with Two Doses.
DIPDTHERIA cured with Three Doses.
SQRLET' FEVER cured with Four Doses.
CHOLERA cured with Five Doses.
old in Bottles, Is. lid. each, with full directions, by all Chemists.

DO NOT LET YOUR CHILD DIE I Coughs, Colds, Bronchitis,
FLENINGS' CHILDREN'S POWDERS PREVENT CONVULSIONS, & FENNINGS' LUNG HEALERS,
ARE COOLING AND SOOTHING. THE BEST REMEDY TO CURE ALL

S. DAVIS & Co.
Make all kinds, and only those are genuine that bear our Name and Medallion with Trade Mark,
"I Move with the Times." 'Sewing Machines supplied at Half the usual Prices at 2s. 6d.
Weekly, or 5 per cent. discount for cash.
One Month's Free Trial, and Instruction Free at Own Residences.
Illustrated Lists for 1878 contain every information, post free. Our reductions also extend to
all parts, fittings, &c. Needles for Singer and others, 8d. per dozen. Shuttles from Is. 9d. each.

ITSB IMPLIoITY IS ITS ROOMMENDATION. EVERYBODY HIS OWN PRINTER,
SThe want long felt for a simple and effective Printing Press
with which everybody can easily print and produce good work
has been supplied by the Newly-Patented

"MODEL" PRINTING PRESS,
Which can be worked by a child of ten years.
PRESS, INCLUDING TYPE AND ALL ACCESSORIES, FROM 5.
PATENTEES AND MANUFACTURERS,
C. G. SQUINTANI & Co.,
18m, LIVERPOOL STREET, LONDON, E.O.
send for an Illustrated Pamphlet "How to Print," eontainln aa
abridged History of the Art of Printing, Instructlons In Prining,
'f j HlGeneral Oataloguas of Printing Materials. Saea Bls of Type& e. poetl
S1II Jf ree seven stamps.

The excruciating pain of gout or rheumatism
is quickly relieved and cured in a few days by
that celebrated medicine,
3BR3A.X R'
GOUT AND RHEUMATIC PILLS.
They require no restraint of diet during their
seo, and are certain to prevent the disease attack-
ing any vital part,
Bold by all hemiss, at IsL lid. and If t.
per bor.
LONDON AND COUNTY ADVANCE AND
DISCOUNT COMPANY (LIMITED).
CASH ADVANCES, from 10 to
R500, without preliminary fees or deductions,
for interest, for short or long periods, repayable by easy
instalments, at moderate rates, upon personal security,
life policies, furniture without removal, deeds, stook,
bonds, &c. Bills discounted. Forms'gratils.
JOHN STONE, Secretary.
Officos-35, Farringdon Street, E.O.
EXTRAORDINARY REGIS-
TERED IlIVENTION.-A MUSICAL BOX
for 2s. Sd., warranted, with the following popular
melodies: The Union Jack of Old England, Auld Lang
Syne, Safe in the Arms of Jesus, Home, Sweet Home,
The Minstrel Boy, Jesus of Nazareth Passeth By, Mollie,
Darling, and the Last Rose of Summer. Two for-
warded anywhere, carriage paid, on receipt of money
order, value is., payable to J. LEWIS and CO., 9,
Philllpp-street, Kingsland, London, N.
Cure of Severe Cold and Asthma by

FromMr. Fox, Omnibus Office, Whiteoold-road, Liverpoolh
"After years of severe suffering, and fearing many and many
Snight I shodald liave died from suffocation, ten minutes aftor
I had taken two Wafers I felt relief."
Sold by all Druggists at i s. ld. and s.d. perbOX.
IS. -THE CHRONOMON," an
Elegant little instrument, specially designed for
attaching to Albert, Nocklet, or Guard. Will for ever
allstantly denote the month, the day of the month, tho
day of the week, the number of days in the month, the
time the sun rises, the time the san sets, and the dura-
tion of the day and night. Post free 13 stamps.-L. D.
Lester, 3, Snowden Terrace, Kilburn, London.
EVERY ONE should Buy our ANTI-
AXMINSTER HIARTHRUGS for the million.
Warranted suitable for every home. Length 68in.,
width 30in. Two sent anywhere on receipt of meney
order value as. ad.; four for 12s. Sd.; payable to J.
LEWIS and CO., 9, Phillipp-street, Kingsland, London, E
ONE SHILLINiG (post free, 15 stamps), the
. AMERICAN POCKET TIMEPIECE (patented).
Size of an ordinary watch, strong metal case, steel
works, balanced action, enamelled dial, glass dome.
Each denotes correct time, and is warranted for two
years. Caution.-To be procured only from the under-
signed. All orders executed by return post. J. B. PIL-
LINGER, 7, Church-road, Upper Norwood, London.,

The most Delicious & Efficacious Dentifrice known.
Sold by all Druggists and Perfumers.
PROVIDE AGAINST ACCIDENTS
by taking a Policy of the RAILWAY PASSEN-
-GERS' ASSURANCE COMPANY. The oldest and
largest Accidental Assurance Company. The Right
Hon. Lord Kinnaird, Chairman. Subscribed Capital,
1,000.000. Annual income, 210,000. A fixed sum in
case of Death by Accident, and a Weekly Allowance In the
event of Injury may be secured at moderate Premiums.
-Bonus allowed to insurers of five years' standing. ACCI-
DENTS OCCUR DAIT,Y I 1,230,000 has been paid as
-COMPENSATION. Apply to the Clerks at the Railway
,Stations, the Local Agenr. or 64. CORNHILL, London.
WILLIAM J. VIAN, Secretary.
RIMMEL'S AROMATIC OZON-
IZER, or Natural Air Purifier, certified by Dr.
Hassall to be the most effective and agreeable disin-
fectant ever offered, is a fragrant powder, producing
-in a room by slow evaporation the refreshing and
healthy emanations of the Pine and Eucalyptus Forests.
In 4os. tins, price Is., by post for 15 stamps. RIMMEL,
Perfumer, 96. Strand; 128, Regent-street; and 24,
Cornhill, London.
CAUTION. BOND'S CRYSTAL
PALACE MARKING INK.-Nov. 26. 1877.-
"Hickisson v. Murphy." A perpetual INJUNCTION
was granted restraining defendant from using the
word "BOND." Wholesale and retail dealers infringing
or disobeying the said injunction will be prosecuted.
The genuine label has the words, "Prepared by the
Daughter of the late John Bond. Works: 75, South-
gate-road, London. N." Some chemists and stationers,
-for outrageousprofit, deceive you. Refuse all others.
NEURALINE gives instant relief in
tiedouloureus, neuralgia, sciatica, toothache,
xheumatism, gout, and all nerve and local pains.-Mr.
Edgar, Butt Lighthouse, island of Lewis, writing to Sir
Jamhes Matheson: "Mrs. Edgar cannot express her
thanks to Lady Matheson for the Neurallne. It proved
the most successful remedy she had ever applied. The
relief was almost instantaneous." LEATH asid ROSS,
Homeopathic Chemists, 5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9,
Vere-street, W. All Chemists, is. ld. and 2s. 9d.; by
Post, ls. 3d. and 3%

JDEAR VANITY.-I will begin my
letter this week by singing the praises of a medi-
cine which has the valuable preloerty of caring what
all the world is suffering from at this season more or
le--namely, a cold in the head. It is called "Glyka-
Sline," three drops of which taken at intervals of an
hour will infallibly do away with the most obstinate of
colds.-"Talon Rouge," Vanity Fair, March 17, 1877.-
Glykallne promptly cures colds, coughs, and all dis-
orders of the mucous membrane. LEATH and ROSS,
5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9, Vere-street, W. All
Chemists; las. ld. and 2s. Sd.; by Post, Is. 3d. and Ss.

The only CRAPES which
REALLY WILL NOT
SPOT WITH RAIN,
are stamped RAIN-PROOF, and
a GUARANTEE is attached
to EVERY PIECE.

use of "POND'S
EXTRACT," which
may be had of all
chemists, in I1. lid.,
2s. Sd, 4s. 6d. 8s. Bd.
bottles (the larger
relatively cheaper).
This great liquid
remedy is widely
acknowledged by
physicians, chemists,
and the public to
possess more mar-
vellous curative
power than any com-
pound appliance, or
other remedy what-
ever.

POULTICE
(Patented)
IS EXEMPT FROM ALL THE
INCONVENIENCES
INSEPARABLE FROM POULTICES MADE WITH
LINSEED OR BREAD.
These spoil the linen, bedding, &c., dry upon the
edges, rapidly ferment, giving a most unpleasant
odour, and no dependence can be placed on the
quality and freshness of the linseed meal.
THIS NEW POULTICE IS
I N S TAV T.A.I3qE OTT S,
FOR
IT IS READY IN A FEW SECONDS.
I

SOLD RETAIL BY ALL CHEMISTS.,

WHOLESALE:

RIGOLLOT AND CO.,,
82, SOUTHWAEK STREET. LONDON.

TARAXACUM AND PODOPHYLLIN.
AfledB somllaDon lor Derstaieaunter 0hb LIver.+ Setlsulyrly whan,,rlsis. from slight eoBsioteo. By.tlynti tiinl nule ,s
losin of the llver'aned slightly moarlin the bowels, the heavy drowsy seanmos Isleus.., often hadeeh, pain belaathb $;?g^
shoulders, at the ahest after eating, unpleaaant tate in the month, and other inditaens of dyspepsil, are removed. TanrxsesU +
Lad Podophallstls sler than ealems or blun ,1U for removing bile. .. P 557, SW.s teah]m Oourosd. Londoa. who"t i'
seaT h. 4. end 4. r W gId Do lt rnllen3ta.
The reason why so many are unable to take Cocoa, is that the varieties comni
sold are mixed with Stareh, under the plea of rendering them soluble; while res
.making them thick, heavy, and isdswet~l4is. This may be easily detected,for f
thickens in the cup U proves 'the U=tin of starch. CADh U 'S Cocoa E ic'I
genuine; It is therefore three times the strength of 4hese Cob oa, a
B everage like Tea or Coffee.

THE COMIC COMPANION TO THE NEWSPAPER.
OU TRUE INTEWT IS ALL FOR YOUr DELIGHT."-Shakespeare.

THE CONFIDENCE TRICK.
THEY ASKED FOR THIS VOTE, NOT NECESSARILY TO BE ALL SPENT, BUT AS A PROOF THAT PARLIAMENT HAD .
CONFIDENCE IN THE GOYVRNyENT, AND WOULD TRUST THEM."-ChanceUor of the Exchequer's Speech on the S"pplemernary Vote.

FoR THE WEEKENDING SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1878.

CONE PENNY.

No. 167.---VOL. IV.]

[SATURDAY,/PFEDRW'ARY 9, 1878.

- FUNNY FOLKS.

-S 'btt,"ispracti-
nimer's answer
to-4the RoyalI
offer of -the.-
vacant Garterm
Is it the pride
which apes
*I }shumility,or the
S finesse distin-
guishing the
b horn diploma,
ii i tist? One looks
i baIc back in vain to
t the Premier's
warns us agas atNovels on
()which he has
( based his lite-
rally Novel
policy for a
age __ enga-e solutionof this
"-mystery. Vi-
vian Gray did
not so refuse Garters, and so we cannot tell, from a
Disraeli point of view, how he would have thrust
back the gewgaw. The motto on the Garter
warns us against attributing motives; I will only
s y that I have seen his Lordship "up" to many
"games," but did not expect to find him at his
age engaged in the boyish one of "flying the
Garter."
A curious letter appeared in the Ti res the other
day about the prints at Burlington House. It
showed that the portrait of a lady described
in the catalogue as that of Lady Day was
that of her sister the Baroness de Noel. Well,
now, seeing what Noel means in French, was it
necessary to point out this distinction between
two sister "quarters"-that of Lady.,Day -and
Christmas ?
The echoes of St. Martin's-le-Grand are busy
'with murmurs and complaining. The new office
of Comptroller, created, it is said, as an extra
.pigeon-hole for the man who fills it, creates work
f6r the sake of work, and is fertile only in outlay.
Rumour speaks of something approaching a dead
lock, and certainly all the reforms which have
come into operation, so far as the public can tell,
are in the way of diminished convenience and
extra-charge. The three-farthing halfpenny
post-card is a sample. So is the regulation by
which the night-clearance of pillar boxes is post-
poned till morning. The question of which Mr.
O'Donnell has given notice in the House indicates
another blunder. The allowance of one.per cent.
to 'shopkeepers who sell stamps-not a very
ruinous percentage, seeing that : they had to buy
one hundred pounds' worth -and .take all risks-is
doanetway with, and so a -stop is put- to a great
public convenience. All this is bad, and points to
incompetency in the noble Lord at the head of:the
Department. It may be true, as the old adage had
it, Manners make the man," but we want some-
thing better than Manners to make a Postman.
The American army runs our own close inbaeing
over-officered. They have turned-out so mavy
officers fro W est Point of late that they tak o(
enlisting a Private for some of them to c ': .
mand I
The Daily News has certainly got ahead of it4
rival, the Telegraph, in that matter of telephonic!
communication with the House of Commons. But
Peterborough-court stands waiting with a grin for
the Obstructives to wake up. Three hours of
corrosive Biggar must inevitably:-wearnout- the
strongest wire ; and snap 1-the aNesri-Vill'fmnd its
connection with St. Stephen's severed..
What is the use of doing thingsbyyhalves ? By
means of electric wires, we are told, the head
gardener at Sion House, the seat of ,the Duke of
Northumberlandd or at Albany'Park, can go to bed
and sleep, and yet watch two .dozen houses far more
effectually than three-or four men sitting up all
night could do it. 'A-16ll ofisnow in the middle
of the night was recently telegraphed to him while
snug in bed, and he was thus enabled to get up and'
put things right before mischief was done.
The apparatus is not -yet perfect. No man
ought to be obliged to turn out of bed because
it snows. What is wanted is, that after touching
a tap or pulling a trigger, he may be able to turn
over and tuck himself in a little tighter, certain
that he has rectified whatever is amiss in the
heating apparatus of greenhouses under his care.
So long as teetotalism is rampant, Sir Wilfrid
Lawson will accept anything, even adulteration.
Speaking at Birmingham the other evening, he
said he agreed with the bill which would give
publicans power to sell as gin that spirit diluted
with water, but should prefer that liquid being all
water. Sir Wilfrid's motto is evidently Water,
water everywhere, but not a drop of drink."
It is well that the public have not a keener sense
of fun. Else would it go hard with "Here stands
a Post," the latest patriotic inanity, as given at
one or two of the theatres nightly. When a:
lady in her nightgown, with a fireman's helmet,
comes on, having a spear-like pickle-fork, to
which is attached the Union Jack,,'and when
waving the pickle-fork in question she -points to
it as it waves, with the words, Here-stands a
Post !" the limits of the ridiculous seem reached.
But that is because the verses have not yet been
heard, and the lady-in whom vivid imaginations
detect an image of Britannia-has not yet kissed
the "post," nor knelt to the "post," or played
other pickle-forkian airs on it. When that is
done the absurdity is complete, and there only
remains the mystery., why the lady should apostro-
phise a spear as a post, and what she means by the
performance altogether.
Capricious meddling with the names of streets

is to be deprecated on all grounds, but there are
cases in which a change may reasonably be effected.
The.denizens of Lewisham can hardly be expected
to cling with -prideand natural vanity to Hoeur-
Pocsn-lane, It is not an address which adorns a
'card or is likely' toimpress a stranger, and any
change would, I should think, be grateful to a
2l'oewsm-'Pocwnm-laner.
.After'Mr; Vaugnan's decision as to what is and
what.is not an organ nuisance, we may expect
organ. grinders to take all kinds of liberties.
Formerly it was believed that if a person objected
to a -barrel-organ playing in front of his house, he
could obtain a legal remedy it the grinder per-
sisted. But now all this will be changed. Ac-
cording to Mr. Vaughan, a barrel-organ is not a
nuisance should you chance to be brushing your
hair, pulling on your boots, or buttoning your
shirt collar. You may detest the airs played, the
instrument may be hopelessly out of tune, you
may detest all manner of music, but unless the
organ absolutely interferes with the performance
of such work as you may be engaged in at the
time you can do nothing. This may be law, but
it is very hard law. How would Mr. Vaighan
like an organ which stopped every morning
in front of his house, and inflicted upon him
a perpetual pun in the shape of Kathleen
MaVaughaneen ?

THE NEW PUZZLE.
(A PosT OPFics ROMA iC.)
And his cheek it was wan,
And his eye it was blear,
For he'd pondered upon
It for many a year:
A curious old paper contrivance, excessively yellow
and sere.
In his fingers he turned
That queer thing night and day,
Though he never discerned
Where the proper waylay.
And, "Jupiter Tonans defend us! This-is a rum
istart!" he would-say.
Why, the paper's too thin
If I try here below;
I can get nothing in
If I turn it up so-
Turn it up-don't I wish I could do it in a sense
which is vulgar and low!
"Deary me, lackaday!
I was young-when I first
Thought I might as well,-pay--
Nay, with longing I burst-
My tailor, and maybe a man as does 'that ,should
prepare for the worst.
Where, oh where-I was toss'd
On a sea of despair-
,:Was that stamp non-emboss'd
i To be stuck? and, oh where
Arettheamme.and address to be written ? and I sat
i down and sought then and there.
S"-Still-I sit, still I seek:
i I've been bankrupt nine times ;
Through-this ludicrous freak
I -I've lost doubloons and dimes ;
And I'say'of, Lord Manners, his riddles are very
much/worse than his rhymes.
For the thing that for years
I'vehbeen pondering upon,
That'sfthausted my tears,
That has made my cheek wan,
is the Registered Envelope'-Pnmzle invented by jolly
Lord John."

AUNT TOWZER IN PARLIA-
MENT.

S -_ ABINET disinfec-
tions ai-d Supplyla-
-s amentary: wotes have
brotight thing quite
to tee Iheese of a
crisilis,:i:iand what
Turn -,they'll take
= next-,no-iine knows.
-* .If the -.times ain't
like that camel-lion
'as is always a-
Schanging of its
spot. and that Prime
---...--: _."--= Mrr,-ry's wuss than
any of 'em, getting
into holes and rig-
gling out of 'em again. I don't wonder as
that Lord Cantaveun didn't hold with the
Fleet -a-getting into straits at the Darning-
needles, and gave 'em warning on the Spot,
as he leaves without a stain and the very best
of carakters, and sorry I am as he is out of a
place. But for that Primehere, when he was
asked if that Lord Darby had put himself on
the shelf, to say as he wouldn't scrunch a nigh
valleyable priviledge which no one had never
cheered of till that very moment-why, it was
nothing but a piece 6f neckoromance as was past
Endor-ance. "Ah," I says, as I went out of them
Lords that night, "troo enough is it said as you
keeps your party well in your hand, and I don't
wonder as you turn 'em round your little.finger."
Well, every one was a Gog' -witi gigantic
'andizzipations when Monday came for thatrwote
of credit was to come on; though why they should
call it a.wote.of credit, when it's ready money as
the Govingment want, I don't know. But there,
if all our 'opes wasn't dashed-not as I means any
imbrocation, fur from it-for after much palava,
as I thought 'ud bust into a 'eated digression, what
with them interruptions, whenthat J. Bright said as
the Govingment wanted to send them Woolwich
infants, as are only fit to play with ball, to infer
with the Penitentiaries of the Powers-if the rebate
on the credit wasn't adjured.
But it was on Thursday as them 'embers got the
steam up, and never did I see such a tug of war
as when them Supplylamentary Eastimets were in
tow, which "the Govingment wants to pull the
ropes of. That Mr. Forstir was fust on his legs,
and he ups and tells the Govingment as all they

wanted the wote for was to flurryish it in the faces
of them Powers, just as if they wanted to give 'em
a wipe. Says he, the Chancellor of the Cheques
has most instinctively stated as the Fleet a-going
to the Darning-needles was aground for the
wote. "Well, I never 1" I ejackerlates. "No
wonder as they're in such a hurry, and are making
such a fuss about the Waterway." And says
he, "The Govingment has so often changed its
pollycy that it's made itself quite a laughing-
stock-fish, and so it's a geing to crews up its
courage and stick it to its resolution."
There was such a laugh, and up jumps the
Home Sackretary, who was that Cross you'd ha'
thought as he was in the Toried zone. He first
of all deniges everything, and then if he don't
say as the jest of that Forstir's speech was that
there was a party by the name of War, or War-
mongrels as one 'on member called 'em in the
house which I thought was such .a slip, knowing
as some on 'em were quite hydrafoebears, wanting
to let loose them dogs of war.
But lor, I couldn't wade through the mashes of
speech. Lots of 'em didn't get their say, for the
*small hours came, and of course they couldn't
scrouge so many into 'em, and so at last, after
going it 'ammer and tongs, they folded their arms
and laid down on 'em, and put off the 'ammercable
warfare till the next night.

ONE-BOTTLE GIRLS.
Scribbling sceptics have been contradicting a
Bishop I The Right Reverend of Manchester
asserts that-owing to the ice-many a young
lady in a ball-room takes her bottle of champagne
frappy during the evening. The Bishop is quite
right. We have been at pains to attend several
balls of the budding season, and to interview
young ladies next day, and this is the kind of dia-
logue we invariably heard :
FITZ-NOODLE. A-ah, Miss M'Muddle,
howowbble bore waltzing. Let's have a drain.
MISS M'MUDDLE. Don't mind. :Yes; dry,
please. Horrible liquor they had at .the De
Boosey's last week.
FITz-FOODLE. A-ah, yes;,.but I went in for
the S. and B. Can't adulterate that, you know.
Miss M'MUDDLE. No; but you know mamma's
so very particular-quite too ridiculously old-
fashioned-and she says I must draw the line
there. Have another bottle ?
FITZ-FOODLE. A-ah Well, might as well.
There's Lottie Lushington had quite :enough;
again. How that girl can do it--
MISS M'MUDDLE. Oh, never mixes her liquors.
S'pose we'd better not have another turn now ?
FITZ-FOODLE. 'Nother I Gwacious, no I unless
you wish it.
MIss M'MUDDLE. Well, Idonkuow. (Probably
"Idon't know.") Where's my'WINE LIST ?
[Fitz-Foodle picks up and-,'hands LIST OF
ENGAGEMENTS, but-theg4dy is already
asleep.
CURTAIN.;

PRIZE NOSES.
The. Yankees have .beentieforehand':with our
People's Caterer for once, ialintroducedwhat we
believe is an. absolutely n.Vel,-feature into -public
exhibitions.
And twea say feature41Ivisedly, for the novel
wrinkles a Ladies' Nose-Show, if you please !
And if,-on ithe.-ftheri-,hand, you don't please,
and were to exclam; Bother the Nose- Show I"
or, what would besmore appropriate, "Blow the
Nose Show I" it would beheld just the same ; for
it is not likely that -ladies. who-have entered their
noses for the prize will permit :them to -be
"scratched to please you, is it ?
The grandprize, by the way, is a diamond-ring
-a diamond nose ring it ought to be; so you see
this, as well as the Show itself, is a brilliant notion.
There will be no division of the exhibits into
classes, but the noses will -be- all mixed up to-
gether for the inspection of 'the public, who will
be allowed to vote for the nose they like best-
'care, of course, being taken that no false nasal
organs are submitted for inspection by their fair
owners.
Curiosity has been aroused! by the announce-
ment of a fair exhibitor hailing from Melbourne,
who is said to have A Nostrillian" nose-what-
ever that may be. [We have a strong idea that
an Australian nose is what is really meant.-ED.]
Every lady will be expected to wait the result
of the show with the nose with which shestarted.
This rule is intended to prevent the not uncommon
habit women have of "turning up their noses at
a moment's notice.
N.B.-The use of Nose-machines strictly pro-
hibited.

The Music of the (Immediate) Future.
A European Concert, we
Are told, will check the Russian;
And this is very sad, you see-
A concert with a crush onl
For all the instruments will be
SProjectiles of percussion i
Ova-done.
The attempt to propagate salmon in Australian
waters has, after several failures, at last been suc-
cessful. The 50,000 Californian salmon eggs im-
ported into Victoria are alive and swimming.
Morals if- you please: Perseverance' is admia
and it is well to try ova and ova again.
Accommodating, Very!
A German stonemason, wishing to adapt his
business to the tastes of the Cremationists, as well
as that of his present customers, -publishes a special
list of marble urns, &c., for the use of the forineri;
and heads it with the line:
"To those who contemplate Furnace-ing."

De-Liber-ate Felony.
For the second time within a short period, Bohn's
Library-which was in the reading-room of the
British Museum, pro Bohn "-o publico-has been
removed from the -shelves. Perhaps the thief "takes
it" to be quite right to "bone selections from
Bon 's Library. Still, it is to be hoped 'he will
speedily be "brought to lihook."

COMING COLAM-ITIES. ,
Having failed for the present to convict the
royal and other swan herds of wanton cruelty, Mr.
Colam has had to put a full-stop to several other
intended prosecutions ; but as soon as a fitting oc-
casion offers/the society he represents will take up-
the following cases :
TOWtEL-HORSES.
These unhappy creatures, it is considered, are
subjected to unnecessary inconvenience, being
recklessly covered with dripping-wet cloths, huck-
aback and diaper, on the coldest days in winter,
and swathed in thick, fleecy towels even in the
height of summer.
FIRE-DOGS.
The torture to which they are liable in the few
families where they are kept-now crushed
beneath heavy logs, and now licked with fierce
tongues of flame-need not be enlarged on.
IRISH BULLS.
Scores of instances are forthcoming in which it
can be proved that these poor innocents have been
tortured and twisted out of all recognition by those
who recklessly use them.
TURN-COOKS.
Their case would turn more on the vexatious
annoyance they experience from street Arabs and
small boys generally, than any great cruelty of
treatment by those who keep them.
Amongst the numerous other various creatures
into whose alleged cruel treatment we may some
day expect inquiry, are Society Lions, Swells'
Tigers, Stock Exchange Bears, Financial Stags,
&c.

TURKS AT THE CANTERBURY.
A benefit for the Compassionate Fund took the
Tecks, the Sutherlands, and a host of nobility over
to the Canterbury Hall on Wednesday. Never
before was there such a corruscation of coronets
in the Lambeth Marshes. The performances were
all characteristic. There was an exhibition of
"Plevna as it wasn't (except in the Turcophile
paperss. Signor Benedetti swallowed his sword
,.asan emblem of peace. Wainretta walked on a
: wire, which, being Invisible, indicated the Cabinet
policy. A Boneless Boy might be taken as a
sample of Russian atrocities, since the Russ could
:hardly go farther than wrenching the very bones
from the Turkish boys. Of course, the new
National Anthem, "We don't want to fight, but
by Jingo, .&c.," came in, and there was "A Cry
for, Compassion" by the intelligent author of
"Here stands a Post," whom, the Daily
Chronicle says, '-certainly received it from a house
which, had it not--mingled mercy with justice,
would have .looked fore a ineaning in the sounding
words and maltreatedi.aetaphors which made up
the appeal." So, altogether, it was very nice,
appropriate, and agreable.

THE SUPPLE-MENTAARY VOTE.
S[The Duke of Argylln was the onlrrotserntatlve of the Oppo-
itionon the .ron-ebnshee ,1;lords,"when the supple-
mentary vote was urst debated.]e
When Beacensfieldeepliethi '
All .Tory-heartsebeat high-,!"
Hearing his'acents fall ;
But the solemn Argyll sigheth ;i
Alone-in-thatwide hall,
Withianancientimonody -
Of;a-inward agony,
While -Beacensfield replieth.
He lists whenBigBea-b eeo l H
High in his tower ofstAse,
-Lord Beaconsfield then oimeth
And speaks in monotone;, -
His feet stern Argyll da luiameth S
And looketh on alone.-
His indignation swelleth,
; His grievances he telleth,
And argument repelleth
Until his anger dieth;
The babbling river orispeth,
-Perchance some young peer lespeth,
'Then swiftly A-gyll hieth
When Beaonsfleld replieth.
San 0 cO of Mr..Tennypu's "Claribel" should be
,-trce oe the bartenders his apologies to the
Lauroate.

Slada,eof the Slate.
Themedium, Slade, i .in Rushia. As he cannot
speak Russian, hiseomMinunications from the spirit
land have t be trance-slated.

A Late Art.
By the aid of Vander Weyde's converged dynamo.
electric light photographs can be taken at his
Regent-street studio up till midnight. This is
literally the latest thing in photography.

Flying Co(a)louis.
A daily paper says, The Turkish blockade in the
Black Sea has been run by a three-masted steamer,
flying the German flag and eight hundred tons of
coal." Coals must be uncommonly high in the
Black Sea.

A Bitter Moke*ry.
A few days ago a costelironger's donkey slipped
nd fell on the opposition paving of one of the
streets in the City. "I should worry much like to
know whose fault that was ?" said the irate coster,
mournfully surveying 'his prostrate animal.
"Whose fault?" responded an unfeeling by-
stander-"why, as-phalte,, tohbe sure;" and the
wretch passed on his way chuckling.

.The Turkish Envoys, last seen en route for
Adrianople. Had with them a carpet bag contain-
ing Terms of Peace and other papers of no value.
Answer to the name of Pasha." Whoever can
furnish news of their whereabouts may communi-
cate with Beaconsfield, House of Lords, West.
minster, S.W.

SONG FOR VOLUNTEERS.-" We don't want to
fight."
SELF-PRESERVATION IS Ta, FIRST LAW OF
ATBURE," as the gentleman reiarked who always
-red to keep himselfin spirits. w a

SkATRDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1878.]

COUNTER ORDERS-NOT OF
MERIT.
Bards who blow the martial trump,
Speakers eloquent as Burke,
It is odd if you don't jump
At this chance of mighty work.
On.this theme your minds regaling,
While each manly bosom swells-
Gallant Hornby's squadron sailing
In and out the Dardanelles.
'Coming scribes who will portray
England's virtue and her might,
It is possible you may
Have some nasty thing to write.
But at least your record-failing
Harrowing tales of shots and shells-
Will show England's navy sailing
In and out the Dardanelles.
Ah, what matter Kalmuck tribes ?
Who regards the Gorman's spite ?
Or the Radical's low gibes ?
Or Carnarvon's craven flight ?
All their sneers are unavailing,
When the proud historian dwells
On Great Britain's navy sailing
In and out the Dardanelles.
There's a policy, my lads,
That must make each gallant tar
Rather look down on our dads
Who just fought at Trafal-gar.
Their poor plan was simply scaling
Foemen's borders 'midst the shells,
While we send our vessels sailing-
In and out the Dardanelles I

THE RACECOURSES OF THE
FUTURE.
In view of the extension of the ten-mile radius
within which suburban races are not to be held,
as proposed by Mr. Anderson, to the confines of
these islands, we understand that it is intended
shortly to change the venue of all our principal
race-meetings. Arrangements are as yet only
provisional; but for the next few years it is likely
that the leading fixtures in all important branches
of sport will be as follows:
Epsom, Ascot, and the Surrey meetings will be
held in the south of France.
Newmarket, the headquarters of the turf, will
be transferred to the boundless prairie of the Far
West.
Doncaster, Newcastle, York, and other local
meetings will be taken further north, as near the
Arctic Circle as racing is practicable.

FUNNY FOLKS.

The Grand National and the Waterloo Cup
will be runm for on the Russian Steppes; while for
the Chester Cup, a site, as nearly as possible
resembling the Roodee, has been secured under
the Great Wall of China.
In consequence of their proximity to Dover,
Folkestone, and other abodes of quiet, anti-horsey
English citizens, the Paris and Chantilly reunions,
will be removed far south of the Pyrenees, say to
somewhere in Central Africa.
Goodwood, Brighton, and the Sussex gatherings
will take place, in February, at Melbourne or
Sydney. ,
The Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race will be
rowed on the Mississippi or the La Plata ; and an
island in.the Pacific, it is hoped, will be secured
for the future site of Lord's.
There will be no more walking matches at the
Agricultural Hall. Gale, Weston, and others are
in treaty with King Humbert for the hire of the
Quirinal, and with the Czar for the Mosque of St.
Sophia, for their future exhibitions.
On the other hand, the sports patronized by
Mr. Anderson, whatever they may be, will be held
in Hyde Park, Piccadilly, St. Paul's Churchyard,
on the Thames Embankment, or elsewhere, at the
discretion of the hon. member for Glasgow.

THE SIEGE OF OUR CITY.
Mr. Boucicault's new play, The Siege of
zLondon, is likely to create some sensation in
New York. The period of its action is after the
"Battle of Dorking "-by the way, the very
name suggests fowl play, does it not ?-and the
scenes will lie both inside the beleagured city and
in the lines of the investing army., .Scene.4A,
Act 1, in the trenches at Woolwich,. of course.
furnishes the versatile author with a chance for
satirical remarks Apropos to the "Woolwich
Infant;" whilst the set scene of Charing Cross, in
the same act, with recruiting booths in the front
of the stage, and citizens enrolling themselves
en masse for the defence of the metropolis,
evidently affords considerable scope for the
exercise of the Boncicaultian fancy, and will
probably include such incidents as the demand of
the wooden-legged veteran in his Bath-chair to be
sent to the front; the determination of the Irish
heroine to join the B battery, disguised as a man,
having heard her lover was serving in the A;
and the sensational effect, brought about by the
connivance of the Horse Guards, of Lord Nelson's
statue addressing the mob by means of a tele-
phoniC apparatus.
The plot we have not had an opportunity of
seeing, but, doubtless, the drama will be invested

with an Irish interest; promoted by the fact that
amongst the bravest defenders of the rampart is a
Fenian prisoner released by the Earl of Beacons-
field on the eve of the investment.
After the storming and capture of Shooter's
Hill by the foe, which is to occur in Act 2, a
popular rising might with effect be introduced;
followed by the proclamation of Kenealy as Dic-
tator-an honour but fleeting, after all, as practical
justice would demand his being done to death by
torpedoes in the last act, after a Drum-Head
Court-Martial, presided over by Lord Chief Justice
Cockburn and Captain Bedford Pim. The relief
of the City and raising of the siege, thanks to the
arrival of fifty thousand Irishmen, who would
claim nothing but Home Rule as their reward,
would serve to give the play a political ending,
and the curtain might fall on the Queen presenting
Mr. Biggar, amidst profuse blue fire, with her
Royal assent to Irish Parliaments in a gold box.

EASTERN ECHOES.
"The British fleet in Besika Bay is stationary,"
says a telegram. Really, this looks as if we had
not only a paper army," but a paper navy I
The Bulgarians of a place called Gumilechara
recently tried to poison Baker the brave, and
Burnaby the bookwriter. Poison, eh ?-why not
the knife ? At Gum-ilechara one might expect
them, for consistency's sake, to stie their enemies.
The Daily Telegraph is said to believe that the
only instrument capable of cutting the Eastern
Gordian knot is a Turko-file.
The Turks have been beaten at Mount Pelion.
Thus does the fortune of war Ossa-late to and fro.
"The Russians .made a Serious attack upon
Kazan." Well, one would scarcely expect them
to make a Comic attack, eh ?
All good Turkish commanders are more or less
miserable at the reverses their country is
experiencing; but a truly Redjid Pasha arrived
just lately at Gallipoli. (Persons suffering from
the fashionable cold in the head will render the
editor a service by reading this recondite quip out
loud to their families.)

Startling.
It was startling to a quiet little grocer when a
man rushed into his shop and demanded in excited
tones, Where can I get shot?" Controlling him-
self, the grocer replied, At the gunsmith's. As
he has heard no report, the little grocer does not
know whether the man did get shot there.

VISITING CosTUnEs.-Looking in at Jay's.

THE ROLLICKING ROUND OF THE RING.

1. Grand volleyof Sanger's staff over highly-trained horses.
2. What has become of the Messrs. Sanger's Elephants P
The dear. delightful animals were so amusing, especially when
AthBagotinto the pit..

8. Those-very naughty clowns didn't oease their fun until 5. Charming girl, who looks aa if she ought to be kissed
they knocked overdone of their number into our box. Clowns : "Now, then, all together, and the biggest wins."
4. Leap in right direction-their first meeting-marriage 6. Mr. George Sanger introduces his horse "Black
in two days. Eagle."

43

WAR SING-SONG.
Evidently Sir Stafford Northeote does not neglect
his music-hall. What, after all, was his recent
remark that we English have great wealth, we
have a great and well-appointed nanv, we have a
small but a very well-appointed army,' but a pon-
derous elaboration of the tersely epigrammatic
assertion of the great Macdermott that We've
got the ships, we've got the men, we've got the
money, too ?"
Really, while he was about it, the Chancellor of
the Exchequer might have continued the parody.
The lines
"We've fought the Bear before, and while we're Britons
true,
The Russians shall not have Constantinople I"
could have been rendered thus impressively: "We
have, in former times, had occasion to measure our
strength with that of the Bruin of the North; and
so long as we remain loyal subjects of the Sovereign
on whose dominions the sun never sets, we are
resolved that the Muscovite invader shall not
occupy the capital of the Ottoman Empire."
Wouldn't the Turkeygraph have gushed over such
a piece of eloquence next morning?

"Neat."
Topers who invariably take their alcoholic
stimuli undiluted ought certainly to be the jolliest
fellows alive, seeing that nothing ever damps their
spirits!
The Magic of Damp.
The days of sorcery have not yet passed away,
it seems. Killjoy, who has lately suffered from a
severe cold, says he is decidedly of opinion that
some awful old wizard has been practising upon
him with stiff neck-romancy.

Bravoe!
Land is usually cut up into "lots when it is de-
cided to build over it. But notice, pray, the care
which the owners of Balham Priory have taken to
prolong the Bravo mystery; for it is announced
that the Priory grounds will be cut up into
"plots !"

CORRESPONDENCE.
%* Oontributlonu are sent at authors' or artists' own risk,
and the Editor willnot be responsible for them. or undertake to
return them.
jSCRIBBLER.-Your verses were inserted, since you
ask it,
Not in our paper, but, our paper-baslet.
Nisr.-You are mistaken. "Be Galantuomo"was not
a law-suit.
OuT OF WOUK.-Don't blame your poor husband for
being on strike. If he doesn't provide a Sunday dinner
he can't help It; I
IGNORAMUTS.-The vessel which conveyed home the
Needle was not thimble-rigged, as you suppose.

TO GET PEACE, ARM FOR
WAR.
Good old proverb made for Dizzy by some 'cute
prophetic seer:
If you want pacification flourish the provoking
spear;
Mix your olive branch with nettles (laurels can't
be always found),
Put a good big blotch of blood upon your truce-
flag's snowy ground.
Let no two hands ever meet without they're clad in
boxing-gloves;
Loose a hundred hungry eagles when you free a
dozen doves;
And just see how Peace will banish the dread
legacy bf Cain,
And the glad Saturna Regna come unto us once
again.
To their muzzles load your guns-'twill calm the
fighters in a trice;
Come, six millions-vote 'em quickly, Peace is dirt
cheap at the price;
And to show how very gentle and unprejudiced we
are,
Send a million to the, Sultan and a cartel to the
Czar.
Wondrous theory-puzzling proverb! we must raise
each heavy tax,
Just because the best peacemakers should have
bayonets at their backs ;
Dues increase, increase the tithes and cost of licence
and of stamp,
Just because a real Peace Congress must be held
beside a camp.
Men who've tried it, and experienced the pacific use
of Bounce,
And on cartridge paper treaties used gunpowder for
your pounce,
Say how soon the treaty-signers found they couldn't
quite agree,
And the smoke of bloody battles blurr'd the words
of amity
Si vis pacem, para bellewm-stale old proverb at the
core,
Never yet has Peace dwelt calmly in a house pre-
pared for war;
For this once, say, let's not greet her with with a
brandished battle-axe,
Nor make signs unto Bellona when we're famishing
for Pax.

THE CONFIDENCE TRICK.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer was very
happy in one phrase in his vote of credit speech.
He said the Government wanted six millions in
order that they might be able to go to the Con-
ference "strong in the strength of England." It
is so true that England has ceased to be strong in
anything but-money. 7
Still, it is most difficult to understand the
Ministerial position as to this money. A money
vote of confidence is such a novelty. Did ever
Envoy go to Conference before and claiA con-
sideration on the strength of having six millions
in his breeches pocket? The only incident it
recalls to us is that in which the Vicar of Wake-
field gives his daughters a guinea a-piece when
they go to a party, so that the company may see
that they have money, and respect them accord-
ingly, but with strict injunctions that the guineas
are not to be changed.
The Government do not
ask for this money to have
and to hold;" they profess
not to want to have it, but
simply to hold it! Unless
under very strong pressure
indeed they will not spend
it; but if it were not voted, '
they despair of making any-
body believe that they really
enjoy the confidence-or, as
the Chancellor put it, "are
strong in the strength of i
the country It
It is exactly the confidence
trick-Sir S. Northcote pro-
fesses to want the six mil-
lions, not that he wants to
spend it, but just to hold it
in his hand to show that the
country has confidence in
him. _

Scotland Yard.
It needs not now pointing
a square yard. Oddly enough,
it will be a good thing if the
forms on foot make it im-
ossible ever to be "squared."

Comparatively Im- "0|
possible.
It has remained for the
junior but larger member for
Waterford to furnish the first
instance, perhaps, of an un-
doubted paradox in his own
person. For never till he
made his notorious speech :.
the other day had bad taste -= .
been exhibited in its mnaxi-
mum degree in a "Major."

The Recent Earth-
quake.
Fresh experiences continue AND
to reach us. A traveller (2) How
journeying to Bristol in the
hindermost carriage of the Flying Dutchman, writes
to say he was violently shaken. AttheFleet-streetDis.
oussionForum, glassesrattledon the tables, and seve-
ral of the speakers had their bands severely shaken.
Happily the split in the Queen's Cabinet in Downing-
street was not extended by the shock. In the House
of Commons the division bells were. oudly rung,
their agitation being due to the motion after motion
which added to the excitement.
THE REAL CAusE.-Lord Beaconsfield refused
the Garter because he's no "leg.'"

4- FUNNY FOLKS. [SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1878.

SUPPORTING THE GOVERN-
MENT.
The SNew Conservative Method as Exhibited at the
Cannon-street Hotel.

[BY A REAL CONSERVATIVE WORKING MAN.]
Well, you see, me and my mates keeps a sharp
eye on the papers in the Three Butts, where we
use; and when we sees that any of them Russher-
feels is a-going to ho!d a meeting and vote that
we make a present of Constantinopple to the Czar,

A NEWLY-DEVELOPED POWER
IN PARLIAMENT.
The House of Commons may well congratulate
t itself on its new wag. Sir Wilfrid Lawson, after
having vainly tried to fill the place left vacant by
Bernal Osbornb, has at length found that the
literary remains of the late Mr. Joseph Miller are
of a limited nature, and will not serve him for
another session's speeches, whilst his endeavours
to eke out with his own watery witticisms the old
and crusted jokes of the lamented punster referred
to above, have been notoriously ineffectual. At
such a juncture as this, therefore, the unexpected
development of the senior member for Waterford
-more Power to him, say we I-as a humourist,
has been hailed with unusual satisfaction by an
assembly always ready to recognize the Power of
wit, or the Richard Power of it, either, for that
matter. That the.member for Waterford should
have succeeded as Chief Wag to the House the
member for Water-who, by the way, did not
succeed, but failed-is a coincidence that will in-
terest the curious, as will the fact that his colleague
is the Major who is such a great wag in spite of
himself.
Mr. Power showed his sense of the fitness of
things by making his first racy speech on a racing
subject, and the way he chaffed the "varra guid"
Anderson anent his Metropolitan Race Courses
Bill was relished all the more owing to the fact
that the House contains no greater prig and bore
than the member for Glasgow. What a capital
notion it was to allude to Scotland as a country
famous for the production of snuff, whiskey, and
thistles, and then to go on to applaud the patriotic
impulse which led Anderson, M.P., when far away
from his native heath, to settle down in Thistle
Grove, S.W. The remark that "a Scotch mob
does not talk much, but when it does it swears,"
was good, too; as was the rider, Swearing in
English is very bad, but in Scotch it is awful 1"
The reference to the one respectable man in the
Glasgow crowd who had since been hanged for
murder was another successful hit at Geordie
Anderson," to whom, after all, some credit is due for
having brought on himself so witty an attack.
Mr. Power's speech, in short, furnishes us with
another strong argument against granting Home
Rule, for the Imperial Parliament cannot afford
in these days of dull and respectable mediocrity to
lose a member who promises to exert so power.
ful an influence on behalf of mirth and laughter.

TIPS FROM TURKESTAN.
Reports from Eastern Turkestan state that
the Dad Khwah has re-pire-ed to Kashgar-his
old Khwah-ters.
Beg-Kuli Beg has announced his intention to
proceed with an army through Yarkand, to subdue
Niyaz Beg, Governor of Khotan, and reduce him
as Niyaz he can to Beg-gary.
If he succeeds, great changes may be expected,
for Khotan will of course become worsted.
Beg Kuli Beg's object is to compel the
Governor of Khotan to recognize the authority of
the new Ameer-whom he now persists in regard-
ing as Ameer interloper.
Mohammad Yusuf, Chief Kazi of Khotan, has
most Yusuf-ully employed himself on his journey
to Mecca by calling on Beg Kuli Beg to learn
-- what his intentions are.
The Kazi was fully impressed
with the deli-Kazi of his posi-
tion, and from the valuable
information he obtained, his
going out to Beg was
completely successful.

FROM BAD TO
WORSE.
When the Duke of Suther-
land accepted Earl Beacons-
q field's invitation to the
Ministerial banquet, his con-
duct was severely censured;
but what will people say to
his latest achievement in the
paths of eccentricity: The
Canterbury.-Plevna.-
Morning performance in aid
of the Stafford House
Turkish Compassionate
Fund. His Grace the Duke
of Sutherland, Chairman."
It really is beyond a joke
this. His Grace the Duke
of Sutherland should not
suffer his name to appear
as chairman of a music
hall. It's dis-Graceful.

THE NEWEST OF
NEW NOVELS.
Strike Only on the Box,'
by the author of A Match i
the Dark."
"Arn't You My Intended F"
by the author of Are Yon
j__ My Wife P"
= '. e An Awfully Wicked
Saint," by the author of An
Innocent Sinner."
"A Public Christening,"
/ by the author of "A Secret
'LATE, AND Marriage."
OOASBUR! "Slantindicular," by the
author of "Straight-
forward."
toThe House withThree Waterbutts," companion
to Five Chimney Farm
"The Ruins of the Royal Academy," companion
to" The Wreck of the Grosvenor."
comAda Shako espeare or, Is this a dagger '"
be ? M oIds ilton; or, 'To be or not to'

don't want to fight," Bob Jawkin a-trying The
land of the free" on his penny whistle, and me
addressing the lot on that serious question of the
Straights, which is newtrial himplements of waras
can't be allowed in the hands of the barbarious
Russian.
We passes a few resolutions-the more the
merrier-such as "Blow the Muscovite ;" "This
meeting 'ereby declares Dizzy's jest about the
proper sort o' premier, he is;" "Gladstone's a
'umbug," and so on.
If the hunpatriotic buffers as 'ave 'ired the 'all

N Ir

__ / I ~i~.' -',gt.z

EVERY LADY HER OWN DRESSMAKER,
WHY NOT P HERE WE SEE (1) Two CHARMING COSTUMES AS SHOWN IN THE LAST FASHION I
SWEETLY THE EFFECTS ARE REPRODUCED-AND ALL HOME-MADE !-IN THE UPPER CIRtLES O BL

I just gets hold of Bill Swilling, and Bill being in shows their faces, why, we bonnet 'em like a shot;
the lithographic way, I says to him, "Bill, here's and afterwards adjourn to any other Liberal
a ticket for this blessed meet, where they're going meeting place we may think of, make ourselves
to sap the baseses of the Constitution. Turn out patriotically objectionable, and finish with choruses
three or four hundred like it, and we'll let 'em and something to drink at pubs where the land-
have it, and no mistake." lords 'ave strictly Rule Britannia views.
The great, thing is to be early. The Bussher- And if that ain't taking the sense of the nation,
feels 'ave 'ired the 'all; and you should just see why-may I never have nothing but the Daily
them when they turn up to take possession, and 'n'ews to read.
find the pals a-breaking up the benches (for which --
they'll have to pay), Jim Flinders a-singing We No GREAT SHAXES.-The'Brighton Eazthquak".

CAUSE AND EFFECT.
Beauty.-STILL A BACHELOR, COUNT WHY Do YOU NOT MARRY P
Count.-VELL, IT IS NOT ZAT I AM DISINCLINATIONED ; BUT YOUR ENGLISH
MErs, SHE iS SO BEAUTIFUL, AND VEN I SEE A PRETTY FACE I TIE ONE KNOT IN
May NECKPOCKETHANDKERCHIEF, AND VEN I SEE ZE NEXT I TIE ANOZER, AND AT ZE
LAST, VEN I SHALL TO MARRY, IT IS ALL KNOT AND NO VIFE I

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

AN ASIAN MYSTERY.
I uttered no sigh, and indulged in no moan,
I did not turn pale, and I did not grow hot ;
I took the news calmly, I candidly own,
That he'd really deceased, had the Akhoond of
Swat!
What was the said Akhoond, I questioned my
chums,
Who, the papers informed me, had journeyed to
pot ?"
They looked truly wise with their ha's and their
"'hums,"
But they weren't very clear on the Akhoond of
Swat.
"As to Swat ?" I said blandly, with questioning
Is it mountain, or river, or village, or what F"
But of sound information no grain could I glean-
They knew not the Akhoond, and reeked not of
Swat.
'Tis a mystery still, and I'm destined to pine
A victim to doubts that will ne'er be forgot.
Oh, tell me, fond Editor, Editor mine!
Pray, what is an Akhoond, and how about Swat ?

TURNCOAT JOURNALISM.

So many papers are changing their politics in
the hope of catching the favouring gale of
popularity (though they generally only succeed in
encountering the icy breezes of contempt) that a
few new titles will soon be necessary. Te7w
Teetotum would be a capital title for a paper which
like-no matter which-doesn't seem to know its
own mind for a year together. The Daily Ratter
would suit a journal 'of large circulation which,
starting with ultra-Radicalism, is ready to toady
and slaver itself into any opinion that pays. Why
has not The 7hittington been used by any un-
stable organ too contemptible to stick to its
party ? It would find such a congenial motto in
"Turn Again, Whittington." The Twopenny
Turncoat is a fortune in itself to any enterprising
journalistic lick-spittle. Again, what a mine of
wealth lies in "The Trimmer : a Journal to be
Bought "-in other than the usual way in which we
buy papers, of course. Lastly, for a religious paper,
halting between two opinions and giving different
views, as Betsy Prig says, turn and turn about,"
what finer than 7we Vicar of Bray ? Delight-
fully expressive I

EASILY SATISFIED.
Lady.-BUT I SCARCELY WANT ANOTHER GARDENER; THERE IS SO LITTLE
WORK FOR HIM TO DO !
Modest Gardener.-OH, I HAIN'T AMBITIOUS, Mt LADY. THE LEAST BIT IN
THE WOULD 'LL DO FOR ME !

A SONG OF SIX MILLIONS, was useless for the nation togo to a Conference
-- without an odd million or so to its back, he said
As the Chancellor of the Exchequer proposes a if the Government were to be of any use in Con-
vote of credit to a pretty tune, it is apity he should ference there must be some outward and visible
not have appropriate words. Now, in his speech sign that they possessed the confidence of England
in the House on Monday week he confined him- in the views they expressed. They were not to be
self to expressing in prose what would have been told, Yes, it is very well for you to say so-and-
far more effective in verse, especially if accom- so, but who are you that insist on or object to such
panied by a Treasury tootle. In urging that it and such terms ? The voice of England is not

expressed by you, but by So-and-so.". Every
one who heard this must have been reminded of
Mr. Gilbert's Sorcerer at the Opera Comique, and
the Vicar's song therein. The burden is the
same, and a touch or two would have enabled
Sir Stafford Northcote to have given the House a
real treat.
Something of this sort, let us say :
SoNG-Sir Stafford Northcote.
Oh, it needs with pomp and show
To the Conference we go,
And with voted millions laden;
Else as well some ancient maiden
Might inquire of every nation,
"Will you bow to our dictation ?"
Every one would answer, No!
"Who are you who counsel proffer
Without millions in your coffer ?
Flatly, we decline your offer,
Though you tell us so-and-so,
So-and-so,
So-and-so,
We mistrust your so-and-so!
Wherefore terms like these be bringing ?
England's meaning's clearly ringing,
And the tune that she is singing
Is expressed by So-and-so.
So-and-so,
So-and-so,
Best expressed by So-and-so!"
Who So-and-so is, whose word would be taken
as better expressing the voice of England even
without a vote of confidence in the novel shape of
six millions sterling, we don't know. Unless, in-
deed, Sir Stafford means the Liberal leaders who
have the confidence of the Continent.

Speaking Well for the Telephone.
The telephone is working its way. A friend
assures us that he recently distinctly heard Israel
in Egypt while at the Crystal Palace!
The Book for a Boy.
The Government Organ recommends Mr. Henry
Lee's "Octopus" as "a present for any right-
minded boy." We have, we may state, tried it on
a left-minded boy also with encouraging success.

"OPPOSITION CHEERS."-Oh, does it ? Well,
the Beaconsfield Ministry find, on the contrary,
that it rather depresses them.
THE MOST IN-DEPENDENT LETTER.-E.

.A L MT r IrC 1I EP A-. T M ID

THE DOCTOR'S BILL.
SEPFECTS OF TH3-E 3r TETVW MEDICAL MO V EME:TrT.

Oi A

I.-TERRIBLE EFFECT OF A BILL OF ITEMS. 2.-THE EIVAL DOCTORS.-First Servcant: "THIS IS THE SHOP. WALK IN!" Second Servant: "PRICES
DOWN AGAIN TO EVEN MONEY !"

f Ac 4 bLU

INV
* r -~~1to "dc&l s v.yoa~-- /I'((U iirci

6.-THE CHINESE SYSTEM.- NO HEALTH, NO FEB. "- :,. -

3.-THE STAFF, OF CLERKS WHICH THE ITEMS-IN-BILLS SYSTEM WILL ENTAIL 4.--MEDICAL EXAMINATION OF THE FUTURE.-A KNOWLEDGE OF MEDICINE
ON THE FASHIONABLE DOCTOR. NOT SO MUCH INSISTED ON AS PROFICIENCY IN ACCOUNTS.

OON the eager poli-
.. ~. tician,
Ere he nightly
seeks repose,
Will learn what M.P.
-, or patrician
S Has voted with the
"Ayes" or
,,Noes ;"
Or calmly hear the
S Commons talk-
mg,
/ And get its Tele-
phonic gist,
x,, While the billiard
S/cue he's chalk-

0 Or he plays a game
-/ / f f__l of Whist.
Tropes and metaphors emphatic
Will meet direct the nation's ear,
While constituents ecstatic
From Kent or Yorkshire cry "Hear, hear I"
What the Tories may be hatching
Will be known before we sleep,
And no train be lost in catching
F rom the Tunes a hasty peep.
There may be some slight confusion
When Home Rulers, twelve at once,
With Hibernian effusion
Call each other Fool" and Dunce."
Rash Obstructives But who'd fear 'em
If all night they shout "Divide !"
Though :hir words-if we would hear 'em-
Can be brought t pqr bedside ,

VICTIMS.
(A' T.1itR ITHAT JUST ESCAPES "GOqSE"-ING.)
ACT I.
SCSEN-Drawing-room at Mr. Kelly's. tInter MR.
,l .. KELLY. '
Mi. KELLY. Nice 'and home-like I call this.,
Ah, me how familiar are the gilt-panelled doors
with the storks and bull-rushes!
Enter MIss ELLEN TERRY.
MIss TERRY. Look, Mr. Kelly, I am dressed in
:wondrous gown, and I am sitting in angular
attitudes on the edges and corners of things.
MR. KELLY (touched). My own pre-Raphaelite
bride [3Rd.
Enter MR. HARE.
MR. HARE. Miss Terry, you know me to be a
poet, with more than the ordinary amount of soul,
else why does the raven hair wanton o'er my pale
and thoughtful brow ?
Miss TERRY. Why, indeed?
Enter MR. KELLY.
MR. KiLLY (aside). This poet has a taste for
pre-Raphaelite brides. I must beware of him I
Enter MES. GAsTON MURRAY and MR. QuIL OCLARKE.
MR. HARE. Oh, Mrs. Murray, what an ulster is
yours 1
MRS. MURRAY. Being a strong-minded woman,
I had it shade on purpose. It is my own design.
There is no such check elsewhere in existence.
ALL; (much relieved). Heaven is merciful!
MR.:OCIABKE. They were awfully sorry to lose
me from Pink Dominos; but when an engagement
was offered me at the Court, I came, because I
wanted change of Hare.
MBS. MURRAY. You are going to marry me.
Mu. CLARKE. True; and when once you are
mine, I mean to make a fortune by exhibiting you
in that ulster in provincial towns. My motives
are excessively interested; . ... ..
S .[Exeunt all bu Miss T2ery.
MIss TERRY. I am searching my husband's
private desk, and finding some old love-letters of
his to another woman, and making myself Terry-bly
jealous. They are addressed to somebody with the
same name as the young person Mrs. Murray has
recommended to me to play the piano at my At
Homes;.

ater MISS HENRI.
MR. KELLY. What! my old flame, Lucy !
MISs HENRI. Nay, Mr. Kelly. Lucy once; but
now, I am proud to say, a poet's drudge. (Softly.)
How good Mr. Hare is! In his great love he calls
me "Pig "-though he will not allow me publicly
to bear his name.
Enter Miss TERRY.
Miss TERRY. My husband spooning with an
old flame-the person to whom he wrote those love-
letters! No matter I I am arrayed in my favourite
robe of cardinal-red velvet, and deep emotion
cannot touch me. (To Miss Henri.) I want you
to come and play dance-music.
MIss HENRI (devotedly). Anything to earn a
crust for Mr. Hare.
([Exeunt Mr. Kelly and Miss Terry.
ACT III.
SCENE-Drawing-room at Kelly's again. Guests listen-
ing rapt to Music of the Future, as interpreted by
Herr David Fisher.
MR. Du MAURIER (to Friend in Stalls). Eh!
What? Why, look there, they've cribbed that
grouping from a musical drawing of mine in a back
number of Punch!
FRIEND. So they have. I recollect Bishop
asleep with his head back quite well.
HERR DAVID FISHER (on stage). Let us chaff
the Wagnerites. [rHe plays something.
MR. CLAR KE. Now for the trouser incident.
Ever since the audience scented it, they have been
waiting for it eagerly. Nothing so taking as
trouser-humour after all.
MRS. MURRAY. I am opening the parcel, and

MORE UNCO' GUIDNESS.
Since that holiest of holy bodies, the Glasgow
Working Men's Protestant Association, fell foul
of the Prince of Wales for electing to arrive at
Hamilton on Sawbath," other instances of Sun-
day violation have come within their ken, as the
Bubjoined letters will sufficiently demonstrate ;
To the Right Hon. W. F. Gladstone.
Sir,-It is with deen regret that the Association
with which I have the honour to be connected learn
that on a recent Sabbath day you set your wits to
work. What the work was to which you set them
signifies little: gentlemen in your influential position
should do their best to discourage labour of any de-
scription on the Sabbath.-I am, on behalf of the
members, your obedient.servant,
THE SECRETARY.

To his Royal Highness Prince Leopold.
May it please your Royal Highness,-Young as
you are, you are old enough to know better-at
least that is the opinion of this association. A
correspondent informs .us that last Lord's Day a
smile was several times reiarkedpltayigF round
your mouth! Now its sinful gambols must.un-
doubtedly have taken place with your Royal High-
neps's knowledge, probably with your connivance.
Now, as a Prince, &c., &c. [Six pages omitted.]
ONE OF THE COMMITTEE.

1. The child to be rescued from Parrotted
Mothers, Cockatoo Nurses, and Starling
Nursery-maids.

3. Book-keeping by Double Entry will be
performed after a reasonable and expeditious
fashion at last !

staring horrified at the contents, while the audience
are screaming.
Enter Miss B. HENRI.
MIss HENRI. I am come to play;.
MR. HARE. My wife! '"
EVERYBODY. His wife! : '
Miss TERRY. So Mr. Hare is a'common-place
married man after all, and I don't care for him a
bit!
MR. KELLY. Quite right, love. Remember in
future, that poets are mean cads, and adjure them.
That is the moral of our little play; and if the
friends who have patronized As to-night will only
take it to heart, they will not altogether in vain
have been Victims! [All pose themselves.

.QUESELVES. Not the play to do greotthfibgs-ata.
theatre like the Court. Having been in its grave
for twenty long years, it was perhaps a pity to dig
th hapless thing up again. The acting is good all
round. 'Miss Terry, as usual, exhibits some quite
lob awfully artistic dresses and attitudes. Mr.
Kelly, always clever, is again a husband with a
scrubby beard. Mr. Hare makes a dapper little
poet; and Mr. Clarke is heartily welcomed at a
new theatre. The scenery brings with it remi-
niscences of former plays, and is excessively old
China-ish.

Just So.
When you have an electric bell communicating
with the kitchen, of course the influence which
renders it available is servant gal-vanism!

2. The Either-Hand Pickpocket-a Real.
Blessing in Store for the Enlightened Popula-
tion of the Coming Age.

4. If it is all man's fault that he is "semi.,
plegaic or lop-limbed" as to his hands, why as
to his feetP

during your last sermon, and my righteous hair
almost stood on end, for you actually, as I
observed, hammered away at your discourse!
What a shocking encouragement to other ham-
merers by calling. (to the blacksmith and the
carpenter, for instance) to pursue their worldly
avocations on the Sacred Day !-Yours in sorrow,
A. MEMBER OF THE G.W.M.P.Al

A Gnavwful Joke.
An Englishman 'who recently got to Boston has
distinguished himself by biting a man's thumb off.
They suppose he must have been from Gnawthnm.
berland. _
Seasoned to Taste.
- Baron Henry de Wbrms'fis been banquetted by-
the Oxford Conservative Club. The chef politely
consulted the guest's particular. taste, so that the
menu presented a real Diet of Worm h'. "

Definition's Artful Aid.
"What is a junction, nurse ?" asked a seven-year
old fairy the other day, of an elderly lady, who
stood by her side on a railway platform. A junc-,
tion, my dear," answered nurse, with the air of a
very superior person indeed, why, it's a place
where two roads separates."

THE EITHER-HANDED MAN.,
(Mr. Charles Reade's Ideal of &hmanity in the 'Coming Ages.)

ADVERTISEMENTS. *

HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY.
OPHELIA'S VERSION.
To go, or not to o, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the maid, to share
The slights and sorrows of a faded train,
Or to take steps unto the "Tempus Sale,"
And, by a purchase, end them? To go-to buy,-
No more; and at a glance to find I end
The heartache and thethe thousand horrid rents
My dress is heir to-'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To go-to buy.
To buy perchance too mun ;-ay, there's the rub,
For in that Sale of Sales what dreams may come,
When I have shuffled off this wretched robe,
Must give me pause: Still, there's the ancient dress
That marks gentility in well-worn silk;-
Yet who would bear the flaunts and scorns of Kate,
The Mantua Maker's grief, Pall Mall's contumely
The pangs of last year's shade, the Christmas bills,
The insolence of duns, and the spurns
That Modistes give to the impecunious,
If I myself might a sensation make
With a CASH purchase ? Who would old garments wear ?
And weep and pine under a withered life,
Bt that thatthe dread of what Papa may say
The library's scold, that always
Leaves me sad, puzzles my will;
And makes me rather wear the dress I have,
Than try on others that I wet of ?
Thus CREDIT does make cowards of us all,
And thus the natural cash transaction ,
Is sicklied o'er by the pale cast of thought;
And purchases of great value and amount
With this regard are nearly turned awry.
Yet this once I must-Parker now!
A cab. [Exit to

POST TEMPUS HIBERNUM SALE.

D. LONSDALE & Co.,

ALDGATE, CITY.

SILKS.
In addition to our GUARANTEED Wear Black and Coloured
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slightly damaged. Is 6d the yard, were 3s lid
Velvet Velveteens, at. Is a d the yard, were'ls, d
SILK VELVETS, at .. 2s ld the yard, were Ss lld

TRIMMINGS.
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A Large Parcel of Chenille Trimmings at a yd, worth is ad
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200 Hozen Leather and other Bags .. from id each
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A Lot of FRENCH Bows very cheap.
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CARLSON'S BINDBR-BELTS are worn immediately atter scoeuhement, supereeding the old-fasMoned method of binding
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. Figures that have the slightest tendency to increase are braced in as carefully as possible . these Binder-Belts
leave nothing to be desired.-The Queen.
. A real comfort to ladles inclined to emboupoint . with them it is impossible to be improperly bandaged after an
aceouchement.-Myra's Journal.
. Should be Included in every lady's outfit-both for home and the colonies . .. well adapted to the present style ot
dress.-Court Ciroular.
.. eight. easily applied, ad in nowise-cumbrous, and possesses the unusual advantage that it can be worn with the
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CAIRLSON'S BINDER-BELTS may be obtained from most of the Prinipal Chemists, Ladles' Outfitters and Drapers, or,
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ot* In sending order, state ordinary measurement round walsland hipsoand it required for accouchement or ordinary wear
Country Agents appointed. A discount of per oent. allowed to the leaders oi this Journal.
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1 47

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PUNNY FOLKS.-ADVERTISEMENT PAGE.

[SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9,/1878.

AS IT IS-(Our Yoenwo Poltlct.

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A DESPERATE CRIMINAL.
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THE COMIC COMPANION TO THE NEWSPAPER.
OUR TBT INTENT Is ALL FOR YOUR DELIGHT."-Shakespeare.

*1
N \\ I
-i-~.~.~~--- -~

BRITANNIA'S VALENTINE.
(WITH APOLOGIES TO MR. MARCUS STONE FOR LIBERTIES TAKEN WITH HIS VALENTINE MORN.")

No. 16S.-VOL. IV.]

THE MAN IN THE STREET.

WEEK of canards
m ay be said to
S have been made
ducks and drakes
of. It began with
a "scare about
the Queen's abdi-
cation, not calcu-
lated to give the
new paper which
gave it to the town
a character for an
., absolute monopoly
S of veracity. Then
came the canard,
for it was nothing
4. more, about the
Russian occupation
of Constantinople,
; which, if an inven-
S* tion, was clever, as
forcing on the war-vote-I mean the peace-
vote-that is to say, the peace-as-thec-result of-
war-preparation vote 1 Happily, the alarm died
away, and the only result was a readiness to vote
the money, as the only effect of the excitement;
which, while it lasted, was intense. And it was
renewed on Friday night, when the terms of
peace were known, and it was announced that the
fleet, or part of it, had been sent to Constantinople.
The beginning of-what
"A very pretty quarrel as it stands is that
between Lord Beaconsfield and the Daily Nems.
The latter asserts that Server Pasha has
volunteered the statement that his country has
been encouraged and led on in the path of ruin
by officious notes," by words whispered in the
ear," and more especially by Mr. Layard's as-
surances in Constantinople and the Premier's
private interviews with Musurns Pasha. This
is one of the gravest charges that could be brought
against a man in Lord Beaconsfield's position.
He meets it with a point-blank denial-it is, he
says, an infamous fabrication." Quite possible ;
but is not this an illustration of the inconvenience
of dark tactics, of a sinuous line of action, of
an "ambiguous giving out" of views and inten-
tions, instead of a manly, straightforward, above-
board line of conduct ? Machiavelli must risk
charges of overitepping the line in a Machiavel-
lian policy.
The electric light seems to assist the sight as
marvellously as the telephone does the hearing. It
is asserted-in the Echo that each central lamp
will enable small print to be read at the distance
of a quarter of a mile." What an unspeakable
boon to short-sighted people, who have hitherto
had all their w6rk to do to read large print at
the distance of 4E quarter of a yard! Stay, though,,
does it mean that the reader and the print,pnay
'both be a quarter of a yard from the light ? ,Who
shall say ?
What will Sir Wilfrid Lawson say to Di
Sutherland ? The latter not only tolerate alcohol;
but deems that for some it is a positive necessity
B.ut that is only for those whose ancestors2ndulged
in it, and transmitted their internal organs and
similarity of action in them." So then, it is my
father drinks-not I. My potations have to go
down to his score. I bat assuage an ancestral
thirst. Or, to put it more concisely, Mrs. Gamp's
inebriate son might have pleaded that the little
black tea-pot with the gin in it ran in his
blood I
It is rarely that As You il ee It is played in
London. Its revival at the St. James's for Miss
Ada Cavendish is therefore a thing to note. This
lady is the most charming Rosalind on the stage,
and, looking at the piece the other night, I could
not help thinking how little Shakespeare could
have realized what his own play was capable of,
since he only saw the part played by a boy And
just think what complications that involved I The
audience saw a boy who pretended to be a girl, but
who, although a pretended girl to them,pretended
to be a boy to those on the stage, until the pre-
tence of the boy being over he became a girl
again to those on the stage, the audience feeling-
through the poet's art-that the boy was more
himself as a girl than as a boy I
There is a football club named The Vam-
pires." Surely, that would have been more
applicable to a cricket club. I have heard of
Vampire-bats, but never of Vampire-footballs.
It will doubtless afford an immense relief to the
public generally to learn that, according to the
latest information, Professor Pickering has ascer-
tained by a series of photometric observations
and intricate measurements, "that the probable
approximate diameter of the exterior satellite of
Mars is about one-seventh less than that of the
interior one, and the direct comparison of their
respective luminosities is in the proportion of ten
to nine of their relative diameters." This is
indeed exceedingly comforting.
Recent examples show how easy it is to get up
a war meeting free of expense. Watch care-
fully the newspapers, and when a meeting of
peace advocates is advertised, organize a band of
roughs to interrupt the proceedings and clear the
platform; then appoint a "war chairman, pro-
pose a "war" resolution and carry it by accla-
mation-which there will be no difficulty about,
as by Ihis time the majority of orderly people'
will have left the room. The cream-of the joke
is that it costs nothing-except the self-respecR'lf
,these who indulge in the game, which: they seem
to set down at nil-as the persons who hire the
room are alone responsible.
I see that in its notice of the Haymarket
Theatre, the Weekly Times says, "Miss Neilson,
after having been absent for some time from the
London stage, made her re-aopearnce as violin
in Tw'elfth Night." This is, or course, only a

FUNNY FOLKS.

roundabout way of intimating that the lady plays
"first fiddle in the company.
The dramatic critics of Paris have been trying
to write down the use of rich toilettes by actresses
.on the stage, one writer maintaining that if the
costly dresses cannot be imitated in cheaper
material, it would be well to do away with their
use entirely. I do not think that the remedy
suggested would answer in England. In fact, I
am certain that even the Lord Chancellor would
object. By the way, the New York papers make
merry over the good fortune which has attended
Lydia Thompson's acting, combined with her
apparent belief that brevity is the soul of dress."
They say she has realized a quarter of a million
dollars-so much for dressing economically !"

VALENTINE SOLILOQUIES.
EDWINx.
Nine o'clock now she's reading it, glowing
With rapture, and thoughts-well. of nte ;
Then to less lucky friends she'll go showing
How charming her Edwin can be.
Has she, too, sent me messages tender-
There's the postman completing his rounds ;
Ah, my darling, how- Bother the sender 1-
"To Valentine (terms cash) four pounds."
ANQGELINA.
Is dear Algy's as pretty as Harry's ?
Is Adolphus's dearer than Phil's ?
Tom's, I know, has the true stamp of Paris-
As for Jim's, it's just suited for "spills."
Of course, one likes Edwin's dear present;
But Lord Croesus is nice, I confess,
And his practical valentine's pleasant-
Thirty yards of gros grain for a dress !
PAPA.
Again Every moment I'm shaken
By a knock, must be heard to the coast !
And I can't get my tea or my bacon,
For the girls have a fit every post.
It's a villanous habit that shy men
Have of sneaking the pledges that bind ;
If St. Valentine only meant Hymen,
Why, I shouldn't, perhaps, so much mind.
POSTMAN.
How cat grown-up men be such stupids ?
How ,an girls be zuch nincompoops ?
Oh, I wish they w.:.n.i cook all the Cupids,
And make all the boys into soups.
They don't know the worry resulting
From this silly, this Valentine spree; .
And I've six on 'em-grossly insulting- .
That I'm b.:.jnd to deliver to-me! '
---------- .' .':
THE IMMINENT:iDEADLY
BREACH.
(Approypate '. ,. ;t*. ..r Valentine's Day Reai&ng.)
Petitipnin in l',7.:.. ...t Mr. Herschell's. bill for
the abh.:'li.on of Breaches of Pra:.i,. ha, e \'a- : ,
receivedafrom six hundred and -if tur ni.l.l1..
aged gentlemen (mostly widowers), from four
,yougpbachelors, and from fifty "victims" of
dats.
;.Petions strongly protesting against the passing
of the bill have also been received from one million
and two spinsters, fifty thousand widows, and
eighteen fathers with large families of girls. An
overwhelming number of feminine newspaper
readers have also petitioned on the ground that
the abolition of the law would take away what
little interesting reading there is in the newspapers
of the present day.
We have not space to quote the arguments used
in the petitions from the ladies. Among .the
statistics given as showing the benefit of the
present law may be mentioned the following :
Twenty widows, previously impecunious, have
been enabled to commence business as chandlers,
milliners, tobacconists, and lodging-house keepers.
Nine hundred young ladies have become possessed
of pianos, new bonnets, dresses, &c., and after-
wards married well-a result entirely due to the
enhanced reputation gained through the law pro-
ceq~dg. A most remarkable fact is that out .pf
the large number, of ladies who have recovered
damages, not one has at all suffered in health, or
received 'any injury to the heart. Hence 'the
argument of those who say no amount of money
can compensate a broken heart is effectually
refuted. "

THE BARD AND THE
MANAGERS.
THE OPERA CoMIQtUE.
"We must speak by the Carte."-Hamlet.
PHILHARMONIC.
This gallant Head
To outlook Conqueo t and to win renown."
King John.
.C1 I ROYALTY. Kig Jo .
Come on, you Madcap, thou shalt have five
thousand welcomes."
Two Gentlemen of Verona.
'". : OLYMPIC. ,
"I will take the Nevil's part and make a show."
King Henry VI., Part II.

Impromptu.
(Upon a Windowful of Comic Valentines.)
What caricatures! .Shouldn't shops be ashamed
Such horrors our notice to force on ?
No monster a Valentine ought to be named,
'Twere better to call it an OrsonI

Do You Coin-Zuyder?
When a Dutchman commits suicide by drowning
himself in his native waters, doesn't he perpetrate
felo-de-Zee ?_____________
A Very Easy One.
Our venerable contemporary Punch asks this
conundrum: "If monarchs could have their deserts,
what would be the due of the Khedive?" Surely
the answer is obvious. The Khedive is the very
monarch rho kaksh is deserts, asildtheune of the
Khedive is the money owing to his creditors.

AUNT TOWZER IN PARLIA-
MENT.
What with Parleymen a-bellaing "War," and
Parleymen a-woasiferating" Peace," mypoor 'ed's
just like that old Jane's Temple,us never could
make up her mind, but was always a-openmg her
street door and coming out to see how the weather
was. Talk about being armed to the teeth, why,
those nasty cannon's mouths ain't nothing to some
of them Parleymen, and after so much 'ammer
o' tongues I was glad to see that Gladstone get
up and hold out the calomel of peace. But, would
you believe it ? if them war parties didn't look upon
it as a meer sham, and if they didn't give
him nothing but ironickal cheers, though I'm sure
as he's a Titan among the minors, and knocks the,
right nail on the 'ed, if he do sometimes get on the
wrong tack.
But bless me, when that 'Ardy Gathorne gets
up, if he wasn't in such a 'eboilition he looked just
like a stony bust. Says he, that 'aughty, "I'm one
of the cyphons of Lord Beakersfield, I am," says
he, "and I'm content to be one," he says. Oh,"
I says, "if you're all cyphons," I says, no
wonder as you can't be reckoned up." I didn't
roller him over his rummyfications, but I did
make a note when he said as the country ought
to have prestidge. "Yes," I says, "but the
country don't want the prestidgeagitors with their
tricks."
Well the next night there was quite a 'appy-
sode, that Trevaliant being so highrate with that
'Ardy Gathorne, saying as he had said the Prime
Mystery wanted to plunge the country into war.
"Abh," I says, when things had been smoothed,
though I must say as that 'Ardy spoke as if a
flat iron -had entered his soul, "If he didn't
want to plunge the country into war he wanted to
give it one o'them Turkish baths, and who knows,
p'raps send the country to the douche, although if
we did git into hot water I'll be bound as we'd
give somebody a towelling."
Well, again Parleyment adjured, and when they
dissembled again on Thursday if a change hadn'
come over every one's sperrits, just as if a dream
bad turned into a horrid bugbare. First of all
the Chancellor said as Mr. Lieard had tella-
crammed as the Rushy'uns were coming on to
Gallipot as thick as flies when up jumps Forstir,
and says he, "I won't be a obstacle to the
Speaker a-leaving of the cheer," which I found
out wasn't a cheer at all, but only one of the forms
of the 'Ouse, as members throw theirselves apon
when they want to recline grashefully. Well, I
thought it was all over; but no, for them small
fry wouldn't be satisfied without having their
flash in the pan, and on they went with undebated
bigger. And then that Chancellor put a few ells
on the fire with the teleeram frum Gotchuckoff,
and with a-saying as the wires had got deranged-
which I'm sure I don't wonder at, such crammers
as they 'ave been telling of late.
But the calumniation came when the Chancellor
said as the Prime Mystery had told him as what
the Daily Noose had said about him was a in-
famous fabric, and wouldn't wash-which I was
glad to hear, though I'm told as the Noose sticks
to.its colours. Howsumever, the finesse came at
last, and that poor Speaker, whose eye had been
everywhere for them members to catch, for nights,
was allowed to leave the cheer, and progress was
reported-which I'm sure I couldn't see as they'd
made any.

THE "FUNNY FOLKS" MAR-
RIAGE REGISTER.
(Culed by Hymen from the "E' estacy Column of the
Papers.)
Edward N. James to Mary R. Showers." (The
bridal reign commenced with showeers-of slippers,
rice, and bleqin.s.)
Arthur 1-1. 'reagin to Anna Roe." (A delight-
Beagin-ning; Miss Roe is a little deer.)
"Edwin A. Hobson to Helen M. Jones."
(" Hobson's choice "-"and a good judge, too!")
Robert L. Scarlett to Arabella Walsh." (This
time the "blushing bride" became Scarlett.)
"Rev. W. W. Archer to Agnes Gibson." (By
Cupid!-the Rev. Archer has "hit it" this time!)
"R. M. Earl, Esq., to Ruth Wood." (An
Earl-y marriage, and a remarkable proof that it is
possible to marry an Earl without becoming a
Countess.)
"Arthur Philips to Louise M. Hook." (Im-
mediately after the ceremony, the bridegroom "took
his Hook "-on the honeymoon tour.)
Edward T. Short to Lydia Clark." (After a
Short courtship.)
G. Davey to Kate Wootton." (The bride not
only pronounced her marriage vows, but solemnly
" took her Davey.")

A Never Fluke-tuating Fact.
Our navy frequently patronizes, and then dis-.
cards, a new-shaped anchor. Would if not be well
for the Admiralty to remember that the merit of
any anchor must, after all, be dependent on a mere
fluke?r

Madcap-tious Suggestion.
It is to be hoped that, warned by the reception
given to that naughty, naughty Marjolaine, Miss
Kate Santley has not produced a new piece to
which may be applied the saying "Mad-c.p"
tandum vulgus.

Rank Favouritism.
I Nepotism ,draws the line sometimes even in the
same family. Look at the case of Valentine, and
Orson, for instance. Every one is ready to put
Valentine into any number of posts, but who thinks
of dealing in the same way with poor Orson?

A Good Press-edent.
Press dinners are becoming the range. One has
just been given to Mr. Irving Montagu, the war
artist of the Illustrated News, and was attended by
enthusiastic newspaper coadjutors. This kind of
thing shows a capital feeling, and we would suggest
as a motto for inter-Press dinner invitations a line
from the Sorcerer:
"Now to the banquet-we Press I"

[SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1878.

WAR DIALOGUES.
PROPER PRECAUTIONS.
HEAD OF FAMILy. Jane, my dear, did you see
that brace of Derringers were properly loaded
WIFE. Oh, yes, love!
HEAD OF FAMILY. No damp cartridge-eh ?
WIFE. Oh, no, love! They were in the oven for
over half an hour this very afternoon.
HEAD or FAMILY. Good! (Stows away Der-
ringers.) But, I say, do you know where my best
life preserver is? The new one, love, not that with
the broken strap. I should be ashamed to be seen
about with that.
WIFE. Here it is, 'John. And there's your nice
clean knuckle-duster. Just look how bright and
pretty I've made it with sand-paper!
HEAD OF FXMILY. That's all right. Now help
me into my chain-mail-lined overcoat. I hope Tom
won't keep me waiting.
Tom. Oh, no, dad!i I've only just got to buckle
these greaves on under my trousers, to protect my
shins. But I must n't forget the fresh fuse to the
hand grenade-eh dad ?
HEAD OF FAMILY. Certainly not. Ready ? Well,
then, come on at once, or we shall be too late for
Cannon-street.
[ Tumbles over his sabre, and exit, followed by his son.
WIFE. How I do hate these Great Peace Demon-
strations !

WANTED A PRINCE.
Wanted, a Prince, very shortly,
For a highly responsible post
His mien needn't be very courtly,
Its courage his country wants most.
It's been made very often to suffer,
Very often's been plundered and fleeced
He'll be wanted to serve as a buffer
Between five or six nations at least!
He mustn't want very much money,
For the country's a pastoral one,
And exceedingly jolly and sunny
(The Turks couldn't quite quench the sun.!)
As to fame, it has that, if it's merely
Renown that he's likely to seek,
For it's massacred seven times yearly
And invaded at least twice a week.
Neighbours ? They are no paltry upstarters,
But genteel and harmonious cliques :
Turks, Italians, Circassians, and Tartars,
Bashi-Bazouks, Sclavs, Cossacks, and Greeks.
With such pleasant people around you
Your prospect is thoroughly plain-
In repose, pure and sweet and profound, you
Will pass the smooth years of your reign.
To fill a position so busy:
One certainly need not look far;
One's only to please Midhat, Dizzy,
Andrassy. Bismarck, and the Czar,
To rule o'er a country whose area
Is shortly to, b.eanch increased,
And become the First-Prince of Bulgaria-
Until the next row in the East!

"YOUNG LOVES TO SELL."
Looking at the Valentine displays in the windows
it would not appear that the young of this day at
all justify the words of Proteus, Methinks the
zeal in Valentine is cold." It is, on the contrary,
unusually hot, as Eugene Rimmel can testify.
His establishment is one huge scented valentine in
itself, a cage with Cupids in it, one apiece for every
fair customer.

HERMETIC ANAGRAMS.
[BY THE LoNDON HERMIT.]
(Called "Hermetic" because securely "sealed "-until
they are found out. The puzzle is, from the following
fictitious names of Modern Literary Celebrities to
extract the real ones.)

A "Bland" Remark.
Should the Silver Biltbecome law in the United
States their foreign financial policy will be indeed
in a "dollar "-ous condition.

A Policeman's Valentine.
Oh. Maree, make it clear that Fate
Onr futar' ntely did foretell,
When fust upon the ary gate
Was wrote P'LICE to ring the belle."
A Floury Compliment.
At a neutrality meeting held at Bridgewater, the
Smyor, whI .was'in the chair,'was pelted with bags
of flour for stating the war party were in a minority.
Like leaders, like followers! Only, ministers
haven t gone beyond throwing dust in their oppo-
nents' eyes.
What Did He Mean P
The Chancellor of the Exchequer told Mr.
Dobson on Thursday that the Government had
entered into a provisional arrangement for report-
ing the debates of the House. We should hav
thought any provisional arrangement would have
referred to the alleged unsatisfactory quality of the
House dinners. _y
_THE TEAR BRITANNIA MUST NOT c"DROP.""
The volunteer.

SA'TURDAY, EEBR'UMAil 16,j 878]

FUNNY, FOIKR

ON A NEW MINISTER.
There are functions that puzzle the bard,
They're so vague and so out of the way;
Ain't the mute a mysterious card,
And theLiop Comigue-but less gay?
But this puzzle s the worst of the lot- f
Oh, will any one kindly reveal
What'the Asian mystery-WHAT '
Is the Work'of a Lorid Privy Seal?'
Oh, what awfully recondite larks.
1Go oda in the cave .where be sits,
Surrounded by close-fisted clerks,
Who'd beat all the'Sphynxes to fits.
What terribly Titanic task
Was that made poor Beaconsfield reel ?
Northumberland, mildly we ask,
What's the use of a Lord Privy Seal ?
Is the wax 'o excessively thick-
Is the Seal so remarkably big-
That before the arrangement will stick
'A Duke must work hard in a wig ?
Oh, before his dear Grace has succumbed,
Let the bard make one piteous appeal-
Use a wafer, or eneQope gummedi,
And abolish the Lord Privy Seal.

SIGNING, THE ARMISTICE.
[roi 6Ou SPECIAL -BUT NOT OVER PARTICULAR-
CORiESPONDEST.]

1 think the name of. the place was Kesanlik-
at any rate, the lik was there, and the first Pleni-
potentiary I met said the lik seemed to have been
pretty well everywhere during the last five
months. I may remark in passing that
Tchernaieff seems to be half Ruafsiaa, and
the other half Gortschakoff. Neither
Server Pasha nor Namyk Pasha appeared
very much-cast down by defeat. Perhaps
they had got used to it-and cigarettes,
silence, and coffee grounds, when you have
spent a lifetime cultivating them, are capi- ;
tal things, for keeping a man in counte-
nance.
They had' several wrangles with the
Grand Duke and li. .Nelidoff, and more-
than once the brow-beaten Ottomans flung I
out of the Council 'Chamber (it was the'
bar-pailour of the only inn where they
knew what pillow-cases meant), and reviled
the ancestors of Disraeli Pasha in the'
market-place.. But coffee grounds and a
sense of the situation always brought them
together again; and Server would begin
tracing more pencil lines on one of Mr.
Stanford's maps, while Namyk would go
to the telegraph office and ask the Con-
stantinople people whether they'd split the I
difference about Whatsisnamelik-Bazaar, 1
or if the Sultan was willing to go Tommy
Dodd for Whatdyercallimijik-Bazaar ?
You will rejoice to know, sir, that I
rather like Europe. I approve of Europe. -
It's a place that does us credit as a rule.
But I must say that -on this occasion I
fancy Europe rather spoilt matters. Its
representatives were conflicting and con-
fusing in their counsels.
There was Germany. coming up to X
Namyk, and trying to persuade the old
man that all the true friends of the Porte
were at St. Petersburg and Berlin. Just
you make a quiet little treaty with our
friend the Czar," he would say, and I'll
see you through it. Give up a province or
two-what does it matter ?-and then we'll
just round on England, that has sold you '
so shamefully."
But just then Britannia would step in and 9.
pluck Server by the sleeve and whisper, "
"Don't be in a hurry to come to terms. '.
There's plenty of time. Their dander's
rising at home. Maedermott does it. And
I don't mind-telling you that we're going to
have six millions to do what we like with:
and there's 'th. fleet handy, and torpedoes
and Edinburgh at Malta, and, hang it all,
if that's not encouraging, what is~
But, on the other hand,'Greece, putting
on a dark scowl; would hint that they had
batter make peace rapidly, for the Hellenic
hosts ,were about to be on them, and they
would find they had enough to do without
the Russians, &c.; while, at the same time, .
there was Austria and Hungary deprecia-
ting the Czar's power and promises, and
affirming that a few million white coats would
soon be over the Danube.'
Altogether, the Plenipotentiaries had a'puzzling
time pf it, and would not have come to any
determination even now had it not been for a
hint from your correspondent that the ".old
game was played, out, that Europe was tired
of it, and that r.if public sympathy was to be
kept up it must be by some 'fresh combination on
the chess-board-eay a,: coalition offensive and
defensive between Russia and Turkey I
On this hint the Armistice was signed! ,

Hlam-biguous. '"
What is the difference between one's monetary
"uncle and a farmer who prods the prize pig?-
One is a pawnbroker, and the other a brawn-
poker. ,

A Strained Quip.
An individual called Strain having been appointed
Catholic Archbishop of Edinburgh, the Romanists
in the modern Athens feel monotony impending over
them; for- they are aware that the Archiepiscopal
addresses mustgo ,on and on forever in the same
Strain*,, ,1 _______ _ _
Counting Your Chickens."
"Four. a penny eggs." Such is 'thU startling
amnounoement. of a new.,shlling. uide .to Poultry-
keeping,, professing to tell,:'s .' How to, obtain a
tn.u, i co e at a trifling Qutlay." 'We cannot but
would require anythu, bu atrin out "on
the part of &Vfbowt-.o

arrival of valentine_ for them does not dep.-od on Collin, as the miracle mongefwas called, had very
the individual will of te letter-barriors. soon more commissions'-isafr he could attend to.
6. The public getierally is too o elfish to be This village, with a ;it.tdin. ready made in its
amenable to an official appeal but the Post- midst, wished to ha'Vei4ta waters invested with
Master-General looks' with confidence for the co- specific remedial powerSmiso that itwould pay well.
operation of those of his fellow-countrymnen and to bottle them for the general public. Another
women who are English men and women til t and place had its grotto, but falt that the public would
valentine-posters-afterward s; and feel. sure they not appreciate it tilLthe Virgin had appeared to a
mill advance. the British interests bound up in the peasant girl in iti and cured her of St. Vitus's
Post Office by.posting their valentines either two dance. A third was anxious'to get itself talked
days before or any day after the 14th. of as a fitting shrine for pilgrims, in order that a
__ trade mightbe established in the.lace for -which it
....... '- INFORMATION. was locally famed. And for months past M.
VA LU E LESSI O II IN. Collin and two partners have been sending o4l
[BYt-na OwN INQTIRE WITBINNLR.J and fitting up first-class miracles, so to speak,
t' uunder personal superintendence.
No true gentleman would substitute encaustic But they supplied one too many. Cheppy-on-
tiles for money when the plate came round after the-Meuse, being an apple-growing village, wished
Sunday service. the Virgin to appear in a Ribstone Pippin tree,
The Blackfeet Indians darken their pedal ex- near a somewhat dirty stream. Nothing easier,
tremities with Blackfeet Indian-ink. said M. Collin, and two days later two little brats
When one is too ill to relish anything else, one can stealing apples saw a lady literally up a tree,"
generally partake of a slice of hearth-rug stewed who told them she was the Virgin, and then sent
slowly in the finest Florence oil. them home' to their parents, upon which M.
If you have to kill a pig, humanity suggests that Collin hauled down his barber's block, and went
the pooranimal's ears should previously be stuffed impressions.
with cotton wool, in. order that it may not be able to ffto deepen the first impressions.
hear it's own expiring criesIn a few weeks Cheppy was the rage. Six
Fly papers attached, to the nape of the neck fulfil withered apple trees had been cut into chips and
all the conditions of the ordinary respirator, sold as pieces of the Virgin's tree; photographs
If ybo'cannot look a darningmneedle straight in of the pippin tree were also sold by the gross ; and
the eye, you are either' heditarily bashful, or your the dirty stream 'was full of the halt, the lame,
nerves want sandpapering. and the blind.
Alas, though I The Entrepreneur and his
,Th' TP 'O 1i3k A "Yotrt OWil M iY. "lj i, partners quarreled- over their .hare of the
fairoul' "' tdltP'dale Porter."' pIlirfier; stan'or FlideyeeW, 'f val' n-

fession from one of them, M. Collin was sen-
tenced to 'three years' imprisonment. For the
present, then, miracles are likely to be less fre-
quent in France.

WARLIKE GREEKS.
We have received the following from. our
correspondent with the. army in Thessaly,
to whom we do not necessarily extend un-
limited credence :
By great good fortune I was present by
invitation at the reading of an address
which the Commander had decided to issue
to the troops. The address, which has only
as yet been submitted to the Staff, runs
thus:
Greeks! The spirit of your ancestors
who fought at Salamis and Marathon,
whose deeds at Thermopylel are immortal
in the pages of the world's history, yet
animates you. The hated Turk is grovel-
ling in the dust! While he lies smitten
hip and thigh, let us, with all the fervour
and nobility of our ancient chivalry, rush
upon oar prostrate foe, and redress our
wrongs. During the recent straggle we
have carefully held aloof, for the blood of
Greeks is too precious to be heedlessly
wasted; but now that we may safely do so,
let us advance without fear of losing one
i drop of that sacred stream which has
'3 descended to us undefiled from Miltiades
and Alexander!"
LATER.
In consequence of the news that Hobart
Pasha, with Turkish ironclads, has arrived
at Athens, it is thought premature to issue
':the address just now. The troops at pre-
:ent are engaged in packing their carpet-
bags. All are provided by the Government
with return tickets.

MAKING A CLEAN SWEEP
>t OF IT.
SWe read the following itein of Indian
news: "A telegram from Calcutta states
that the British expeditionary force which had
been sent against the Jowakis, hadmnot succeeded
in having a brush with the enemy. The forces had
completely scoured the country, but the natives,;
on their approach, invariably took refuge in the,
scrub.!'
.,This .military scouring, scrubbing, and brushing,
is quite new. Armies used to be content with
mangling ______

An S-ential Change.
In'debference to the great mastery.of ;this branch
of m star strategy shown by the Musocovite armies,
iLgroposed in future, instead of ruse de guerre,
7 tit IwSSde guerre.
Cue-rious.
The Bishop of Rochester has taken on lease Sels-
den Park, and is converting the billiard-room.into
a chapel. In spite of this transformation, he will
of course continue to amuse himself by making an
occasional canon.

Being very anxious to assist in every possible Consequent on the commotion created in it by
way a nobleman of such courteous Manners as Prince Nikita's triumphant entry, the town will
the Postmaster-General, we readily publish the for the present be known as up-Cot-tinge.
following rules intended to assist the Postal Russia proposes the capital of Switzerland as a
Department in meeting the pressure of Valen- fit and proper place for the proposed Conference.
tine's Day: Is there Muscov craft in this? At any rate it
1. Persons who post their valentines "on St. behoves the Powers to be Geneva watch-ful.
Valentine's Eve are respectfully asked to post The English Pasha who commands the Turkish
them "early in the day." [N.B.-This was the fleet is said to be a great stickler for etiquette.
brilliant idea of an Irish post office clerk.] He always insists on being addressed by his
2. Those who forward to the nearest district inferior officers in fellas Hobaronet.
office the,' mount of the regulation postage of The Russians are said to be secretly negotiating
their valentines will be permitted to deliver' them with the Sultan for the transfer of his entire fleet.
themselves by hand. More Russian navy-ry, you see.
3. Residents in the richer and more elaborate A telegram from Bazardjik says that, "To-day
valentine-sending quarters of London are requested at dahi'wu a body of volunteers of the Kinburn
to, as far as possible, send their packets and boxes Dr'gouu. set 6ire to the railway station at Gebedji."
to be posted in the poor parts of the metropolis, Truly thesc warriors are rightly named ; for their
so that the work of sorting, &c., may be equalized acts ha% e pro% ed that they Kin-burn when they
to some extent. Thus Belgravian senders well choose tu.
please post at Bethnal Green; Mayfair ones at
Rotherhithe; South Kensington at Shoreditch; HOW M.I RACLES ARE MADE.
Pimlico"atPoplar, and so on. OW I ACL A MA .
4. Parties expecting valentines of the bulkier
kind will. please keep their front doors wide open, An ingenious citizen of the French Republic
in ord ethattheir packets may' 'be shot out into started the other day in a new line. He became
the hall without unnecessary delay. In cases an entrnpreneur de miracles, and supplied Appari-
where this intimation is not acted on, the postmen tions, Winking Madonnas, Holy Fountains, Vocal
will bedinstructed to pour all abnormal correspon- Virgins, and, in short, anything yon could desire
dence into the area. or expect in the modem miracle line. Now, it
5. Personal demonstrations, either in favour of was only natural, after-the success of the Lourdes
or inimical to postmen, cannot be too much, de- miracle, other villages should wish to be puffed
preheated. Spinsteirs are reminded that the non- up suddenly into flourishing towns; and Mons.

VALENTINE-TIME SHOW AT THE ALEXANDRA-PALACE.
.(A Few Remarkable Birds Not Included ini the Collection.)

FLAVOURED FLESH.
We have at least .a dozen varieties of apples,
totally distinct in flavor, have we not?
And as many ditto ditto of pears in the same
case-is it not so ?
Presuming in anticipation on your inevitable
answer of assent, we go on to ask, not necessarily
as a conundrum, but in all good faith-Why
should we not equally possess a dozen varieties of
beef, each kind of a totally distinct flavour from
the others ?
And to save trouble we will suppose the same
query repeated, with the word "mutton inserted
instead of "beef."
Very well, then.' We have asked why should
v, e not possess these variegated' and assorted
joints ?
And what does the French experimentalist
reply ? (This is not a conundrum, we beg to
state.)
Why, he replies, in effect, that there is no in-
superable reason why we should not have a dozen '
sorts of cold mutton, or beef-steaks of' a score of
kinds.
All we have to do is to wait whilst the farmer
or stock-breeder is completing his arrangements.
Thus he will take twelve oxen, say, and put
them in twelve detached stalls; a committee of
gourmands having decided how the flesh of each
shall be flavoured.
For chemists to produce a special diet
calculated to develop each flavour will be
comparatively easy.
That done, the farmer has only to see
- he doesn't mix upi his varieties of food, and
give the vanilla oileake, say, to the beast
that is slowly developing fat auw rnarrous
or lean a la pistaohel. This important
division of diet duly carried out, all else
ought to go well; and ere another twelve
months have passed it may be possibly for
a loving spouse to return to her husband's
irritable-" What, cold mutton, again?"
the wrath, subduing answer: Yes, my
dear ; but you forget this is one of those
truffle-flavoured legs you like so much I
It's even nicer than the mushroom shoulder
we had last washing day."

FUNNY FOLKS.

[SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1878.

PIUS THE NINTH.
Once more the sobbing bells
Swing in wide Rome's .innumerable fanes,
Once more the veiled drum tells
How, where a dead King reigned, 'tis King Death
reigns.
And yet how changed the tone
Of each dull drum, of each clear bell that rings,
Since last Rome mourned its own
Brave King, whom men called Gallant among
Kings!
Then every gun and gong
Had echoes in Italian hearts, for he
Their Prince, oft rude, oft wrong,
Lived yet for Italy, and fought her free.
But for the silver'd head
The tiara topples from-what will they say ?
A leader, often led,
Less strong in deed than dogma, goes his way.
His long life bright and sweet'
In its well-ordered days of solemn calm,
Dwindles to ending meet,
Softly as to its closing dies the Psalm.
Mastai Feretti, lord
Of,souls and wielder of the high priest's might,
Ruledavith the stranger's sword,
And fell-when his own country rose upright I

PUTTING OURSELVES IN THEIR
PLACE.
The Russian House of Commons was unusually
crowded at the usual hour for commencing busi-
ness on Friday last, and the members were
evidently labouring under intense excitement.
After some routine transactions the leader of
the Opposition, M. Hartikoff, rose to ask the
Imperial Government if the rumours rife in St.
Petersburg as to the warlike preparations of Great
Britain were true. It was on every one's tongue
that the British fleet was riding at anchor off
Constantinople, that the men in Woolwich
Arsenal were working all night, and that the
Parliament was in secret session voting war sup-
plies. Would the Government satisfy the people
on these points ?
Prince Gortschakoff at once rose, amidst loud
cheers, and said. he would read the House a tele-
gram just received from their Ambassador at St.
James's. It ran as follows: "Notwithstanding
the proclamation of neutrality the British
Government is using all its efforts to obtain an
extraordinary war credit of six million pounds.
The excitement among the populace in favour of
war is intense. Volunteers are drilling on all
sides; and recruiting is openly carried on outside
the House of Commons. A telegram has been
sent to the British Fleet to keep its steam up; and
a supply of mud gaiters, for the sailors who are to
occupy Gallipoli, were shipped at Portsmouth yes-
terday, in sight of our consul at that port. The
Government press openly urge war, and there
has been a war panic on the Stock Exchange.
The medical Softas have just met, and passed a
vote of confidence in the British Government,
offering themselves in a body to serve as Lancers
in case of war if required. The British Cabinet
has been sitting all day. Other things point
to the same alarming direction I" On receipt of
this telegram," continued the --
Prince, "I at once tele-
graphed to our Ambassador, I
to call the attention of the
British Government to their
Queen's declaration of neu-
trality; but to this I have
had, so far, no reply. In 2
the face of such a state of 1
affairs, I hope we shall sink
all minor difficulties, and
unite to uphold the honour
and safety of Russia."
(Loud and long continued
cheering.)
M. Hartikoff at once rose,
after consulting with his
colleagues, and said that in
face of the serious news they
had just heard, he should no
longer oppose the mobiliza-
tion of forty battalions of
reserves proposed by the Go-
vernment. (Loud cheers.)
A long discussion ensued,
in which several Nihilist
members still urged delay in
the mobilization; but event-
ually, just before the question
was put that the vote for
the new troops be passed,
Prince Gortschakoff again )
rose, and alluding to a paper
in his hand, said it was a
telegram just received from
Count Schouvaloff, and he
would read it: Am assured
by British Government that
their neutrality is being
strictly enforced, and that
there is not an atom of
hostile significance in the
rumours I telegraphed to
you." This was a most re-
assuring document, said the
Prince, for, based as it was
.on the faith of the British
Government, he should ad- Accorn
vise it to be implicitly be- FREELY IN
lived. (Applause.)
The House indulged in a protracted debate, in
which, however, though many blamed Count
Schouvaloff for too hasty deductions from cir-
cumstances around him, the few who ventured
to insinuate that the British Government's assur.
ance was unreliable, and their action only con-
sistent with bad faith, were loudly called to
order.
Ultimately, the Government stated that they
should certainly so far depend on the honour of
'Great Britain as not to press on the vote for

TOO BAD OF HIM.
(And using Slang Before the Crowd at the Stores, too.)
Givendoline.-PooR LITTLE CUPID, WITH HIS OLD Bow AND ARROW. HE SHOULD
GO WITH THE TIMES-SHOULD TIP HIS SHAFT WITH GOLD.
Ernest.-OH, DEAR NO, THAT WOULDN'T DO. IT WOULDN'T PENETRATE.
Gwendoline.-GOLD NOT PENETRATE P
Ernest.-CERTAINLY NOT. DON'T YOU KNOW-GOLD IS BLUNT."

new forces, considering that to do so after the MAKING MEMBERS USEFUL.
declaration of the British Government would be a --
studied affront, at which England might with AParisianwag'hasproposedthatthe Stateallow-
reason take umbrage. ance given to Deputies shall be withdrawn, and
The House adjourned at 11.50, thoroughly that instead, all unable to live without it shall be
satisfied with the pacific intentions of Great Britain. permitted to follow their various trades in the
[Of course, we need not remind our readers of Chamber itself.
what our House did under similar circumstances. This might do so long as only quiet callings
They will judge which was the more dignified and were pursued. Thus the tailors, the basket-
honourable course.-ED. F. F.] makes, and the cobblers, if they only hammered

THE BALL OF THE PERIOD.
ING TO THE BISHOP OF MANCHESTER, WHO HAS FELT IT HIS DUTY TO DENOUNCE THE CHAM
NDULGED IN AT BALLS BY ONE-BOTTLE G N HA

From the Earl of B- to Mr. W.
E. G--.
(A Valentine.)
Do as you please,
Cut down your trees
Complain of it I shan't;
But as you've seen,
Your gracious Queen
And I prefer to plant.
THE ONLY RAT No LADY EVEz FEABED,-The
rat-tat of the postman on the 14th.

on their lapstones when the Chamber applauded,
might be allowed to work in their seats. But
arriers, coppersmiths, weavers, and so on, would
become a great nuisance if once they began to
shoe horses, or make stew-pans, or throw the
shuttle amongst their colleagues.
On the other hand, the effect of the members of
the Extreme Left following their honest callings
might betoinduce the Right and Right Centre to
eel ashamed of sitting doing nothing nothing; and
Legitimist marquises ahdfid Bonapartist counts would

perhaps betake themselves to picking oakum, or
embroidery, or wax-flower making, whenever they
were not actually speaking from the Tribune.
Should we ever come to universal suffrage andl
working men representatives, the notion would be,
worthy of being entertained. In such a case, to
prevent noise and confusion, Westminster Hall
might be given up to the artisan and artificeir
M.P.'s, who could there carry on any number of
avocations, including-Cabinet-making. We sug-
gest this on the assumption that they, like- the
present members, would only go into the House to.
hear a personal squabble or to vote.

A TIP FOR STANLEY.

The return of Stanley has fallen flat. Not
even one of the Prince of Wales's. speeches.
infusing life into it, thanks to the prevalence of
the Eastern Question excitement. Pbor fellow I'
It must be provoking to him to think what a lion
he would have been, had he only landed when the
European horizon was clear I
But it is never too late to mend. Why doesn't he
go away somewhere for a few months, and then,
when, as we hope, the excitement will be over
about Russia and Turkey, he can make his return
from his African expedition all over again?
Nor need he be afraid he will be found out in
the act. Only a few very sharp men would say,
"Stanley I Stanley I Why, I thought he had
come back. Stay, though, I am thinking of his.
former return when he found Livingstone. Of
course, that was it What a good job, by the.
way, he did not turn up during the Russian war
craze last year 1"

SI MONUMENTUM QU/ERIS-
YOU MUST WAIT FIVT-AND-TWENTY YEARS;

The Wellington Monument is actually com-
pleted, and the Iron Duke has only been dead.
five-and-twenty years. Come, come, we are
improving, and if we go on at this rate we shall
get the new Law Courts done this century after,
all. It is true, now it is done, the St. Paul's
Monument has been crammed into a corner
utterly unsuited for it, and that it has a super-
structure made originally to support an equestrian
figure, but now supporting nothing in the most
inanely massive way. They say the Dean and
Chapter tabooed this equestrian figure. It was
Pagan, they thought, to let a horse be placed in.
St. Paul's !
Aversion to the horse is not confined to Deans
and Chapters-it is shared by other and equally
obstinate animals. All that remains now is the
laying of the pavement, which will probably be
effected in another decade ; but until it is there
will be no solid basis for founding a complaint on.

POLITICAL MUSIC.
Some enterprising journalists have started
another sixpennyworth under the title of the
Government Organ.
We hear that some Liberal writers are about t,
grind us to dust and ashes with the Opposition
.Surdy- Curdy.
Of course we may also
anticipate the Home R7ul
Bagpipe and the Total Ab,.
stiNnene 017B eleide.

THE VALENTINE
OF THE FUTURE.
It is inevitable.
Entirely new and alto-
gether charming Valentines
: must supersede those in use.
Not this year, 'tis true; but
next.
S1 Else why the invention of
the Phonograph ?
It is Cupid's own device,
so that the lover may breathe
his soul into the tin-foil-a
lover has often, by the way,
been "tin "-foiled by a rich
lover-lay it up in lavender,
and when the Saint's day
comes, pop it in the post,
and-rapture!I within a few
hours the adored one may
hear his protestations in his
own voice
We charge nothing for
the hint, but the Valentine
of the future is the phono-
graphic rendering of the
voice of love !

PGNThe Cremorne Meet-
PFAHEN so ing.
The patriotic gathering of
morne to Saturday was held at Ore-
"Mone t o give the public a chance of taking
were asteps on common n "platform" on which they
Saccstomed to be led a dance to a pretty tune.
The Ruling Habit Strong in Death.
There isa o bookkee er in St Ma x who
has o int an old S. Mary Axe who
into the habit of carrying
the debit orcreditside in his l everything to
posts hislittle niece's valentines.1 that he even

"FAMILY TIEs "-Twins.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

A VALENTINE FROM
STAMBOUL.
Britannia I once with close embrace
You listened to my tender vow,
And if I praised another face,
Would pout and murmur-you know how 1
When maids of Moscow came with cash
And pretty trinkets to beguile,
In jealous rage you strove to crash
Their gifts, and called them base and vile.
'Tis true your set were cold and proud,
But courteous for your sake could be,
And when we met, all smiled and bowed,
And did their best to welcome me.
You gave me presents, money lent,
But now, whenever we correspond,
You say with wrath and discontent
That you regret your Turkish Bond.
Your "House objecting to the match,
Declares it to be broken off,
And says I'm not so great a catch"
As that big bully Gortschakoff.
Fair, false Britannia! I was loth
To dream you were no longer mine,
Until you broke your plighted troth
To me, my once-loved Valentine.

MEMS ON MEMBERS.
[BY OUR IDIOTIC SOCIETY-JOURNALIST.]
The Member for Christchurch is forced this
cold weather to wear lambswool; though he is
quite aware that it gives him rather the appear-
ance of a Wolff in sheep's clothing.
The Member for Lichfield has dropped sardines
for breakfast, and taken to poached eggs. He
needed a change of Dyott.
The Member for South Notts, finding that he is
getting rather grey on top, is compelled to make
use of a re-Storer.
The Member for Tewkesbury is of opinion that,
though not all constituencies can be bought, one at
least has its Price.
The Member for Leicester is so attached to the
"sweet shady side," that a well-known thorough-
fare at the West End has been rechristened Albert
Pell Mall.
, The Member for Finsbury declines to join in
Sir Wilfrid Lawson's policy; though he shame-
lessly acknowledges that he has a wife who is fond
of Lush.

LOVE WILL FIND OUT A WAY.
Angelina.-WHAT, EDWIN MY OWN !
Edwin.-YES, DARLING, THANKS TO THE GIGANTIC VALENTINE OP THE
DAY, IN WHICH I EASILY FOUND AN 'ODD CORNER, I AM HERE WITHOUT
ExCITING SUSPICION On FEAR OF DETECTION.

The Member for West Surrey cannot by taking CONFI DENCE.
thought add one Cubitt to his stature.
The Member for Greenwich is quite the typical With what an air the British Plenipotentiar
languid swell. He is Boord on every possible will go to the Conference on the strength of th
occasion, six millions! He might call it a six-million-air.

Pity he cannot take the money with him so as
to overawe his colleagues with the sight ot it.
Why not send him in a state carriage of solid
gold ?
The Bank of England might at least issue a
six-million note, so that he could have the sham
note-representing what some have called the
sham vote-tossing about among his papers.
Or here is a pretty idea. Why not invest the
money, temporarily, in a big diamond to be set in
a ring, so that he might flash it at the Conference,
as Toots put on his ring to create a sensation
when he went out walking with the young gentle-
men at Doctor Blimber's.

ECCLESIASTICAL JOTTINGS.
Tt is supposed that the cream of clerical society is
to be obtained from preben.dairies.
Extremely facetious prelates are generally spoken
of as "arch "-bishops.
There is no limit to the number of infants who
may be christened at one time; but fifty would be
considered a fair sprinkling.
When a divinity student is grinding for his
examination, it may be inferred that he intends
joining the Church mill-itant.
Roman Catholic choristers are invariably selected
from the surplice population.
The politicians regarded most favourably by the
clergy are offer-Tories.
The exact number of aisles in the "see" of a
bishop has never been correctly ascertained.
The reason why such vast sums of money are
bestowed on Ritualistic churches, is because they
are unexceptionable "in vestments."

Query for Mr. Henry Lee.
An oyster has been found in America which con-
tained a fish six inches long. It was a razor-fish.
Was it attracted by the bivalve s beard ?

Indeed He Was!
That was a bitter bad Beaconsfieldite who last
week went to the Zoo on purpose to vocally fling
Macdermott's war-song in the teeth of the wal-
Russ!
False Alarm.
Mr. J. Platt, in his popular little work Morality,"
exhorts men to rise superior to, and get rid of,
self." This at first looks like advocating suicide,
but a study of the context will resolve the startling
proposition into a harmless moral Platt-itude.
e AN APPROPRIATE LocALITY.-Cannon-street,
.: for a War Demonstration.

Sto put'on the
brake,
. But say you incline
.K- .', Bt to my offer,
Since I've got upnmy steam for your sake.
You may think'me. an odd sort of buffer,
As many have thought, I darosay ;
But you won't %ffdie cranky when coupled,
And you'll get eveiy'point vouir own way.
I'm a bit of a slow train at courting,
And my words will not come up express ;
But my heart is as sound as my boiler,
And you'll never get 9' blown up," I guess.
Then make up your mipd, dear. The altar
Is a terminus I'd like to see,
And I wish I could put in my time-bill
The day that the.run is to-be. :
Whenever we come to that junction,
Collisions we nevershall fear ;
For our train shall keep time to the signals,
"All right! Go ahead The line's clear!"

*--------
MY THREE.
(A ST. VALENTINEY CONFESSION.)

CHAPTER I.
Victoria Jessamine Jones was h girl of soul-fair,
iall, and cold as some stately garden-lily wet with
the icy dew of morn. .
But Ir'o1'ed her madly-she was the being on:
whom all in, eaithly hopes centred.
The fourteenth came round, and I bought her a
splendid one; pouring out my loose cash like water,
and securing the best in the shop.'
In an envelope so gorgeous that it was in itself a
sufficient proof of my devotion, I dispatched the
valentine to my adored one.
When I called next day, a cloud was on Victoria
Jessamine's pale brow. Trembling in every joint,
I humbly craved to know the cause of her dis-
pleasure. She told me in a few stern, unrelenting
words. Never, she said, could she espouse one
possessed of so little originality that he could stoop
to sordid ready-made printed verses ; the work,
probably, of some wretched beery haek in a Drury-
lane garret! It was far better we should part.
Should I ever smile again P I asked myself in my
agony.
CHAPTER II.
Clementina Aline Brown was barely eighteen,
and beautiful as an angel; and, as she shot a
languid flash of blue lightning at me from her
glorious orbs, I smiled again.
I loved her madly; she, I now knew, was the
being, &c.
This time I determined I would profit by ex-
perience; and after a week's labour of the severest
kind, I turned out a copy of verses which I
flattered myself were exactly the thing under the
circumstances.
I forwarded the lines, and "looked in" next
day. Clementina Aline's maternal relative, who
was practical to a disgusting degree, intercepted
me in the passage, and remarked harshly that if
I expected she would give a daughter of hers to a
young man who could pen such drivel as was con-
tained in that valentine, she could only say that
my cup of idiotcy ran over Anyhow, sue felt she
must imperatively forbid me the house.
Should I ever, &c.

CHAPTER III.
I did. Priscilla Algitha Robinson crossed my
path-a being of sweetness and light-light hair.
I loved her madly; she really was, &c., &c.
Twice I had been foiled. It should not happen
again. I would not purchase my verse with filthy
lucre. I would not depend on my own feeble muse.
Alfred Tiptilt, the friend of my bosom, who, being
a clerk in the War Office, was by inalienable right
of a literary turn, should produce me the desiderated
stanzas.
Good fellow, he was willing; and after carefully
copyiig out his pencilled lines, I posted them, and
was supremely happy.
But not, alas, for long A change had come over
Priscilla Algitha when I next beheld her.
"Oh, you too awful impostor !" she exclaimed, in
indignant tones. "I knew who composed that
beautiful poetry, for dear Alfred has confessed
everything, and I'm going to be married to him next
week---so there!"
Now should I ever, &c., &c.
If I do, I am determined that my next valentine
shall be an amatory scrap of some dead-and-gone
old poet (who cannot betray my confidence), shouted
through a telephone.

A Sensitive Plant.
We have heard of a lady so averse to giving
pain,that she would not even keep her toast upon
the, rak.

PLAIN RULES FOR VALENTINE-
SENDING.
If you know a Blackheath highwayman," the
appropriate thing to forward him is a Claude
Du-Valentine.
If you send an ugly one to your crabbed old
employer, it is always best to enclose your card.
Do this; and if the employer is a man of any gene-
rosity whatever, you will at once be taken into the
firm as a junior partner.
Girls like you to spend a lot of money on them;
but don't put up with it. Pay a humble coin for
your valentine; and when your sweetheart pouts,
"Oh, what a shabby thing!" grin idiotically, and
observe that the stationer said "it was as six-
pence-ive as any in the shop." Angelina will be
bound to appreciate the point.
It is a graceful compliment to a tobacconist to
send him a valentine representing the Gentleman
in Black, with the legend, "To Old Nick"-
"Otine" yon can append, and the thing is
complete.

OUTRAGE ON THE NEEDLE-
SHIP.
He was a most flippant person. Not a doubt
of that. Mingling with the crowd on the Embank-
ment, looking at the Cleopatra-needlecase moored
in the river, he actually spoke to persons around
him without an introduction.

POETIC PLE

I

The nler . sat beside the lal, I myself, who sat apart
&nd talked with him of Cain. And watched them-Wax'd in every limb!
Hood's The Dorem of Eujne Aram." .Tennyson's In Memoriam."

" Buy and nuy is easily said. The love of the turtle. 0 the wild charge they made.
Hamlet. Th e Gaour. Charge of the Light Brigade.

Got the right spot for the Obelisk at last," he
said.
Somebody assented.
Of course," he resumed, Erasmus Wilson was
the man to select it, and he has selected it. The
idea of thinking a doctor accustomed to skin erup-
tions couldn't give the best opinion on a spot !"
Two or three weak-minded persons laughed.
That reminds me," he went on, thus weakly
encouraged; "know why it was called Cleopatra's
Needle? No! I'll tell you. When they first tried
to make out the inscription they were a good bit
puzzled. The translator read, 'In the remote his-
tory of Egypt,' and so and so, 'in the reign of
Thothmes,' and so and so, 'this stone was erected,'
and so and so- Confound it,' interrupted the
Khedive, 'it's all sew and sew. It must have
been Cleopatra's Needle.' And it was called so from
that day !"
Before a block of granite could be torn from the
parapet to fling at him that flippant person had fled.

Noah Doubt.
That was indeed an ingenious critic who read
Cowper's well known line as I'm on ark and all I
survey!" and argued from the changed reading that
it must have been written about Noah.
Nox-ious ANIxALs.-Night-screaming cats.

WHY DID THE PREMIER ADVERTISEMENTS.
REFUSE THE GARTER? EV O IO LxT TIO 0 !
Because he habitually wears socks, and has there-
fore no necessity for one. (That's the practical solu- ."Vox acta diur? o oxpopuzi.";
,Because he was afraid of what Gladstone would The Times show Puhbli bpnion 'Al the ear d'thst
the Warehouseman and Draper can hold up se Highest Stan-
say dard to the Economist Youn Enlishwomn, and I Co erclal
sBecause he didn't mind Gladstone a bit, but gWorw l eherenlaomest yathe EH list, a lithe
thought it might irritate Derby. a Fountain in itself to the r lo assures us that or
Because he didn't want to be sneered at in the a Leisure Hour or cityrethere is tno la ke aee the Tempus
.naglislme' -War *Beeehive, and Stoke-dupon-Trent. '
Because B ar would have beenealon AchoolGuardian and Sanitary Inspector have been hoard to
Because Bighe n'tar would have mottbeen jealous. "Honeyso inthehearingofaNewZealaisdExaminer,.toaMillinerand
Because he didn't like the motto. "Honey It issmaker in Mayfair.that the Fun with the Preemasons at
qui mal y puns suggests a sweetness of quip the Good Tela wordand'Aoly 1ter's KalKOdar
which the scathing Premier would scorn in his B oaarExchan stian World again t he abletsro hathe
wittiest:Moments.,Brief as wasell's Life in London, nothing" shoutdprovent
Wittiest moments. and Labour from receiving Graphic Record in the
Because the Queen's visit to Hughenden was illustrated London News of the Truth that.Punch and Judy,
honour enoughin one twelvemonth. after Bicycling Ttmesand isunlay at Home are drawn by
the Ma-net and Hark Lane Express to makea 'Weekly Bhdest
Because he does not care about-music; and was, in the Vanity Fair n bythe atr of thin in-the Mind of
therefore, in the words of -the song,. disinclined to every Taler,from he tehall Review to the Hakny na
"touch the light gar-tar" iWhile the English Independent is'assured by Funny Folks
Because the bother about that six millions made that the ChurcTimes has a Church
him pettish; and he didn't think what he was saying sis crnvinedorthe Indiatr othe e o Dal 1Telegtrakshiraows
when he said "No." Lodon Society that the Manchester Guarian and the Irish
e Obstructionists are ready to pledge.Hand and Heart to forsake
Night and Mornig Cope's Tobacco Plant and the Wine.Trade
't~ ~ Review,andtake little Wide Awake and Old Jonathan Every
tato mine. eek tlroghemle Bar and Cornhil, at the instance o the
Temperance Becord, to
In consequence of the prevalence of the cup that Temperance.LDGr.A'E UV
cheers and does inebriate At the taverns where Am THEI M "
nightly debates are held, t4geir title of," Discussion
Forums '" should be change to at of" Discussion POST TE PS HIBERNUM SALE.
Jorums! .-

D. LONSDALE & Co.,
-ASANTRIES.

N far as possible during these crowded occasions. ENTRANCE
I- is only by the Boors in ALDG&TE. EXIT, is only by the
--- *-- t -- ~--*- Doors in iITRE STREET. Post Orde. r annot be t attended
. ..' "*~' ; to. parcels are romised ini-Thiee Days. -I 0l ob well to note
t at the DOORSARE OPENED AT 10 a.m. and CLOSED AT
EQUIREMENTS at the earlier hour stand a greater chance
of effecting their purchases with deliberation thae later
comers. .

THE TELE PHONE,
Or Far-Speaking Apparatus, with pre-
i pared Cord, enabling any two persons,
although a great distance apart, to
converse in precisely the same manner
a as If they were together. The cord
can be lengthened or shortened at
pleasure. The pair of Telephones com-
plete, packed in neat box, will be for-
W warded, post free to any railway station
my on receipt of P.0.0. of 3s., direct by the
;.r Manufacturer, H. SOCHOENFELDI, 22,
nPoa ateor-
Row, E.C.,
S London.

[ II

CA 4-. T TI O) T.
PURCHASE ONLY OF THOSE WHO MANUFACTURE EVERY DESCRIPTION OF
SEWING MACHINES.

S. DAVIS & Co.
Make all kinds, and only those are genuine that bear our Name and Medallion with Trade Mark,
" I Move with the Times."- Sewing Machines supplied at Half the usual Prices at 2s. 6d.
Weekly, or 5 per cent. discount for cash.
One Month's Free Trial, and Instruction Free at Own Residences.
Illustrated Lists for 1878 contain every information, post free. Our reductions also extend to
all parts, fittings, &c. Needles for Singer and others, 8d. per dozen. Shuttles from Is. 9d. each.

TYE SOLD SEPAR ATEL.Y 1N FONTS FRO i s. d. EACH.
; 51IMPLOITI n rE ITb MUUMMAneaTLOX. EVERYBODY HIS OWN REINTER]
The want long felt for a simple and effective Printing Press
with which everybody can easily print and produce good work
Shas been supplied by the Newly-Patented
48:MS i M L FS- I 21 I3 I 3T G-
"MODEL" PRINTING PRESS,
Which can be worked by a child of tea years.
PRESS, INCLUDING TYPE AND ALL ACCESSORIES, FROM 5.
PATENTEES AND MANUFACTURERS,,
G C. G. SQUINTANI & Co.,
S18, LIVERPOOL STREET, LONDON, E.O.
Send for a Imntrated rPampiit "How to Print, *eontaintag an
abrifded History of the Art of FPrtint Instruetlons in PF ntng,
General Oatalo e ofrintA maxterals.Jjenel s of Trpe. A .po
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From Mr. Shaw, M.".S., 5, Charle.-atreet, Hull: "They are an
unfailing remedy for all disorders of the Breath and Lungs To
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and only want to be know't.""
*ihe Wafers give instant relief, ra rapid cure, and taste plea-
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mZEFALXOIPsIL^ S h1 A, ss
o ithwlMT and STO OR ing
VIrGOUB to these gstreat MAIN SPRINGS d IIFBe A We-
d'erfully eMeaoousin ls ailments ineldeta Jo P AlB.ans
In eases of WBAKNES8 and DBBILITT, a p wefn; In-
visorator of the system.
1OTTOPy LEIXT.
5 TO 500 on Personal Security;.
also upon Deeds, Life Policies, Shares, Warrat.
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terms of from one month to three years. Forms gratis.
Bills discounted. Offices, open daily, 71, Fleet-street,.
E.C., and 3, Pullen's-row, High-street, near Duncan-
street, Islington,
W. M. READ, Manager.
.Qeta.hliheled 1R89R

JOHN TANN'S IMPORTANT NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC.
The Flaxman All desirous of obtain GOOD ITG SHITSk for The Flaxman
R E" IIA O E "rTheFlaxman And see that amh has a tab .sown inside the TYoke with e words The Flaxman
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THE OCARINA.
THE NEW MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.
Is plyed has enchan-
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and Alexan minster and
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GAN BE LEARNT IN HALF AN HOUR.
The Press have been unanimous in praise of this marvellous
instrument.
SThis Original MUSICAL INSTRUMENT is Uneaualled for
the Beauty and Voice-like Quality of its Tone, and the ease
with which it can he acquired-a very little practice enabling
the .performer to play operatic or other melodies. It has a
oompletechromatic scale, and is thus not confined to any par-
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the pianoforte to which it forms a charming accompaniment.
PIOCES: No. 1 28.; No. 2, 3s.; No. 8, 4s.; No. 4,5s.; No. 5
SOs.; No. 8,7s; No. 8s. Nos. 5 and 7 specially tuned to co
with pianoforte. Instruction Book, 6d. Books of Airs, Is. It.
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EIURALINE gives instant relief in
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iDEAR VANITY.-I will begin my
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OUT. UBUIqB, asoam To iax tusw or use of "POND'S
OUT. IE~lE88,0 20" 9OEXTRACT." w;iech
BURN, SPRAIN. may be had of all
SORE or WOUND; chemists, In 1s. lid e
If you are afflicted bottles (ted d lae
A a-bottles (the larger
with NEUa relatively ceaer).
RHEUMATISM, This great d
GOUT PILES VARI- hreimedy s wi ly
Cos VEINS. i- -remedy is wided bly
SORE THROAT T. UL PAMN D knows, edged by
OATARRE, SORB Ois iBBDS the pubio to
oor ritha,,eB.TABLISHED5A s s more .m -
HEMBRAGE vellous curative
other analogoun con-Ta.ycom-
on ofe Flesh DEPOT 482 ,OXFORD STREET, LONDONI wr taan co
and Veinsr whether AND AT NEW YORK; other remedy what-
Internal or External, ever
resort at once to tthe A "S MOLD BY ALL 0CHTMe

,l-\F ,- -g 74/

IA TALE OF THE TIM E.
Clocinmakir.-BExE IS A GOOD FREECH CLOCK, WHICH I THINK YOUR J)AUGRTER WOULD
LIKE-
Coutnt-y Custcmer (indignzotly-).-FRIECH ? WHAT'S THE USE 0' THAT? MY GAL DON'T
KNOW OTBING ABOUT FRBICH. (1G' ]IE A GOOD ENGLISH ONE, AS SHE CAN UDERSTA-D
W1EN IT STRIKES !

BBB~nHHHJ

SThe only CRAPES which.,
REALLY WILL NOT
SPOT WITH RAIN,
are stamped RAIN-PROOF, and
a GUARANTEE is attached
to EVERY PIECE.

OMPENBATION. Apply to the Clerce a e y
Stations, the Local Ag n Lr OR IL

(Patented)
IS EXEMPT FROM ALL. THE
INCONVENIENCES
INSEPARABLE FROM POULTICES MADE WITH
LINSEED OR BREAD.
These spoil the linen, bedding, &c., dry upon the
edges, rapidly ferment, giving a most unpleasant
odou, and no dependence can be placed on the
quality and freshness of the linseed meal.
THIS NEW POULTICE IS
IX 3W S TAN TA. IE 0 XT S,
TFOR
I' T IS READY IN A FEW SECONDS.

THE COMIC COMPANION TO THE NEWSPAPER.
OUR TRUE INTENT IS ALL FOR YOUt DELIGHT."-Shakespeeaoe.

it

:THE "ALLIANCE OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE."
A-T OLD FABLBT NEWLT ILLTUSTaATErD.
ONCE UPON A TIME A GIANT AND A DWARF WERE FRIENDS. AND KEPT TOGETHER. THEY MADE A BARGAIN THAT THEY WOVLD NEVER FORSAKE
eACH OTHER," eTC.-V$car of Wakefield.

\ HE Governmeit,
->." ~-Xz' ? Q long accused of
V1 1 a policy which,
li & ike Mrs. Poy-
ser's jellywould
"n run into any
mould, but come
out of no shape,
Shas stiffened it-
self up, and we
begin to see
what it means.
True, Ginx's
Baby-lips still
declare the Go-
vernment "in-
vertebrate" (as
the Opposition
is mollus-
cous "), but we
begin to see
what the Cabi-
net jelly is like,
and it turns out with a strong sulphurous,
not to say gunpowdery flavour. In a word,
it savours strongly of war. Even before
this is printed the country may find itself com-
mitted to a,policy of desperation irom which there
is no withdrawaL This is the more likely, as the
Times assured us on Friday that anxiety "is now
finally at an end." In all probability that means
that it is just beginning, unless, indeed, among
those impatient for war, and who, under the
banner of St. Jingo, would go into it-that is to
say, let others go into it-with the lightest of
light hearts.
"Which are our enemies-the Turks or the
Russians, or both ?" It is natural to ask this,
since the air is full of rumours as to the new
relations between those Powers. Incredible as it
seems, it is positively asserted that Russia and
Turkey have entered into an alliance offensive
and defensive-an alliance as unnatural as that of
the Giant and Dwarf in the fable told in the
" Vicar of Wakefield," (see Cartoon). The result
of that alliance was not very encouraging-the
Giant had all the glory, the Dwarf all the blows.
Is the fable prophetic ?
The Dispatch French correspondent is a trifle
bewildering this week. Speaking of M. de Frey-
cinet, he says : "Four hundred millions was the
sum he thought last week would be required for
public works. "It is now found that less than
twice and a half that figure will not be too much."
Well, no, when a man thinks he will want a given
sum he is not likely to think that twice and a
half less will not be too much. By the way,
what is twice and a half less than four ?
The following was overheard during the third
scene of the Amateur Pantomime : A. S. "'Pon
my soul it's like a funeral I" T. F. .D. C.:
"Think so ? Well, it does look as if it had not been
properly re-hearsed." A. S. : "I suppose you
mean that they would have been all the better for
a morning coach.'"
The war agitation has drawn away all heed
from the Boat-race. The milkmen alone sport the
sky-blue for Cambridge.
Since Rochester-was it Rochester, by-the-
bye ?-retorted upon the lover in the play whose
"wound was great because it was so small," that
wouldud be greater were it none at all," nothing
more deliciously Irish-bullish has appeared than
this advertisement of a Pall Mall tradesman :
Blank and Sons beg to say that, owing to the
immense pressure of business, they will be com-
pelled to close at 4 o'clock each day, and entirely
on Saturday. They would suggest, as their show
rooms are inconveniently crowded, that intending
purchasers should delay coming for a few days."
The distress of trade is so general, that when
your neighbour laughs it off, and vows he is doing
well," you may rely on there being no Truth in
that well.
Seeing the reception Stanley has met with in
this country-notwithstanding unfavourable im-
pressions created by his own conduct, which
induced one of the most influential members of the
Geographical Society to retire rather than meet
him-that was rather an ambiguous giving out"
of his, about the English flag, at the dinner given
by Englishmen in his honour at Willis's Rooms.
It was not in the best possible taste for him to
state that when his servant wanted to carry the
English flag, he had replied that "he might
take a dozen for all he cared." Contempt could
hardly, it might have been thought, have gone
farther, but Stanley contrived to add another sneer.
He said that no one loved the British flag more than
his servants did. He did not affect a great regard
for it himself, but it pleased his servants. It is a
proud reflection that our flag has won the love of
the menials of a Stanley, and the company who
received the assurance from the lips must have
been highly flattered by it. Isn't it nearly time
that the Geographical Society adopted as its mot
d'ordre, Off, Stanley. off I"
There is nothing like backing up your opinion.
I always admired the man who, hearing some tall
talk anent pigeon-flying, wagered that he would
eat any bird that would fly five miles in four
minutes."
Mr. Commissioner Kerr is always, refreshing.
The other day, when a prosecutor asked that a
prisoner who had been in his employ might be
mercifully dealt with, although he did not think
he could take him back into his ;errice the Com-
missioner remarked, sententiously, "It is rare-
very rare, indeed--that I find a man who
thoroughly understands the phrase, 'Forgive us
our trespasses as' we forgive them that trespass
against us.'" As the prisoner was sentenced to
twelve months' hard labour, he must have
thoroughly agreed with the learned Commissioner.
Driving by electricity is the latest invention.
By this meanss "a sudden shock, which it will be

in the power of the driver to administer at dis-
cretion, will, it is said, bring the most obstreperous
runaway to a sudden stop, and will arrest the back-
sliding vagaries of the most inveterate jibber. A
series of small shocks will, on the other band,
stimulate the veriest screw' to marvels of pace
and style." It might have been thought that the
limits of cruelty had been realized in bearing
reins. This electric torture is literally "shock "-
ing.
Surely Mr. Parnell, the other night in Parlia-
ment, betrayed great ignorance of his compatriots'
proclivities. Said he, Irishmen might hold
meetings in Dublin until they were black in the
face without securing attention to their grievances.'
Does he not know that there is scarcely a meeting
of Irishmen at which some one or other does not
get black in the face-particularly about the eyes
-and blue as'well, for the matter of that ? How,
then, can such an ordinary circumstance secure
attention ?
In a recent case in the Common Pleas about a
novel by Mr. Davis, called In the Front of the
World," it came out in evidence that, at the
plaintiff's request, the volumes were not made
too thick, in order that ladies carrying them from
the libraries might not split their gloves In
point of delicate consideration for the fair sex
Mr. Davis may fairly lay claim to the title of his
novel, for he is quite ahead of ordinary authors.
So far from their caring about splitting-gloves,
some of them have even side-splitting books I

VOLCANIC MUD.
[" I don't know whether, some centuries hence. we shall
not be dug out of the volcanic mud which the Secretary
of War has heaped on us."-Sir Vernon Hearcourt.]
There's a picture Macaulay drew
Of the.fate that awaits our land,
In a million of yearsor two,
When a Maori chief shall stand
On the ruins of old St. Paul's,
And regard the havoc time made,
The remnants of muffs and shawls,.
And the buttons of Gants de Sudde.
But a drearier prospect looms
In the desolate years to come:
From a region of lava tombs
They will dig us out stiff and dumb ;
Talked dumb and talked deaf for aye,
Then petrified straight in a flood
Of eloquence, suave and gay,
Our Hardy's volcanic mud!
Ah, beware of it, Fawcett, Bright,
Trevelyan and Dilke, beware !
Such a finish would serve you right,
Forresisting a wild war scare.
For wishing a phrenzy calmed,
And rebuking a thirst for blood,
Be your recreant limbs embalmed
In a mile of volcanic mud !
True type of a popular art-
SThe art of talking too tall-
You tay think that your lava streams smart,
While they only just smudge, that's all.
And such curious things may rise -
From indulging a fiery flood:
You may have to make humble pies
Of this wealth of volcanic mud!

LECTURES FOR LADIES.
Mr. Candle has just heard that influential philo-
gynists, including the Duke of Argyll, Dr. Allen
Thomson, Canon Barry, &c., are about to start a
series of lectures for ladies, to be delivered at the
Kensington Vestry Hall. Mr. C. will be happy
to contribute his services, as a lecturer. He ,has
had, needless to say, considerable experience of
lectures. It has also been given to him to study
very closely the workings of the female mind.
He has found if peculiarly wakeful, when the
duller soul of man would sleep. He has admired
its acuteness, its powers of ratiocination-powers
that occasionally manifest themselves even in the
deduction of impossible conclusions from premises
that never existed.'
Mr. Caudle proposes to deliver a course of
lectures on social and domestic science. Some of
his chief heads are : On Nagging as a Fine Art;
Extravagance versus Economy, 'demonstrating the
fallacy of waiting for a new bonnet, when you've
only to keep the butcher waiting to get it imme-
diately ; Domestic Cookery-of Accounts-the
only cookery ladies should know; Clubs and their
Treatment, &c., &c.
MrZ Candle, however, is prepared to lecture on
any subject, and on any terms. They have been
lecturing so long on the other side, he says, it
would be a deligh itto do i anyhow one's self, for
once.

HIGH JINKS rOR JOURNALISTS
The Paris Figaro has adopted a practical way
of keepingsthe journalistic staff in good health and
slashing literary form." It has provided for
their recreation and exercise a salle d'armes at
the figare'offlces in the Rue Droubt.
In choosing fencing as the chief sport of its staff
the F iaro has also consulted its safety as well as
satisfaction, for the ability to fight a duel with
rapiers is still one of the most indispensable quali-
fications of a Parisian journalist, especially on a cut-
and-thrust paper like that of M. de Villemessant's.
We take so much from the French nowadays,
that we fully anticipate the extension of so excel-
lent an idea to our London newspaper offices;
although it would be of course open to the various
proprietors to fix a relaxation other than that of
fencing for their differently-constituted staffs.
In these days, for instance, when Mr. Gladstone
gets'chivied' down Fleet-street into Child's Bank
by ardent war-mongers, it is evident that gentle-
men employed on the journals antagonistic to the
Government and an anti-Russian policy could not
do better than spend all -their spare time in
friendly contests with the "gloves," as their -skill
in self-defence may be at any moment called into
play. A large empty room, therefore, and a few
pairs of boxing-gloves would be most useful to the
Daily News just now.

At the Telegraph office much would depend on
how far it would be possible to utilize the open
space of Peterborough-court. But if anything
like a good range could be procured, shooting
with bow and arrow-the long bow, we mean, not
the cross-would be the exercise probably resorted
to by Mr. Levy's "young lions."
At the Times office, money being no object, we
may hear of a sufficiently large space being en-
closed to permit of the staff playing hockey when
not otherwise engaged. Though sides would be
chosen in the usual. way, the leader-writers would
probably be made to act as Jacks of both sides,"
and knock the ball towards either goal, according
to its position. Their sport would thus become a
type of their labour, happy facility in taking any
side being the first quality of a Times writer.
The mild young curates and kid-gloved parsons
who form the staff of the Guardian would as-
suredly not attempt any game more violent than
that of croquet; whilst the clerical contributors to
the Record and Rock would shun croquet, because
the Guardian divines played at it, and stick to
lawn bowls, as a game at once more Conservative
and less worldly.
The Era staff would probably enjoy nothing
better than indulging in stage combats and
grotesque dancing; the World young men stoop
to nothing less fashionable than lawn tennis; and
the Morning Post Jenkinses find it well to get
up something resembling football "scrimmages"
to prepare themselves for actual experience of the
crushes at "Drawing-rooms and Drums."
For the Standard we would certainly recom-
mend an open-air place of recreation, where the
dust could get blown out of the brains of its
frequently "mixed and involved writers ; whilst
our sporting contemporaries might rent a London
mews between them, where their staff" could
scratch horses, skin the lamb, lay odds, and all
the rest of it.
In conclusion, we need scarcely say that most
lavish arrangements have long been in existence
for the athletic relaxation of our own staff. The
number of jokes emitted by them when hanging
head downwards from a horizontal bar is so
great as to render the presence of a shorthand
writer in the gymnasium quite necessary.

THE CONCLAVE.
[FROM OUR SPECIAL PAPAL ZOUAVE.]
The Cardinals are locked up; not that they have
been doing anything wrong, good creatures, but
in order that they may do the right thing by the
See of Rome. Their durance isn't very vile. They
have got four hundred chambers to argue in, and
among the retainers I counted sixty-seven cooks
alone.
As to the Conclave while in bondage, the
council chamber is not quite as quiet as one
would suppose an assembly of middle-aged cler-
gymen ought to be. But then I have heard
that Convocation is not invariably steeped
in blessed langour. The Cardinals actually
quarrel :-7They have each their favourites; and
as they speak about a dozen different tongues,
their arguments are more conspicuous for vehe-
mence than intelligibility. Monsignor M'Closky
will have an hour's discussion with the Portuguese
Primate, and find on tat the end that while he has
been talking about Encyclical Letters, the other
has been asking for recipes for maccaroni aux
tomatoes. Then the Polish envoy is sure to vote
wrong, because he mistakes Bilio for Manning.
And a German Cardinal will fall foul of Mon-
signor' Cullen, because the Irish prelate sneers at
his Latin, and says Father Prout's was vastly
superior.
But whatever language they speak, they all
wish it were over. And so do I. For I'm obliged
to talk Latin and fast four times a week. The
latest rumour is that the new Pope will be chosen
solely on account of his superior holiness.

"THE PLUMBER."
Trade journals are all the rage at present; and,
on an average, one, we should imagine, appears
about every other week. The about-to-be-born
Plumber has a pretty good chance of popularity.
Its phraseology will, of course, be technical in
the main. That, considering the section of
society to which it will widely appeal, is only gas-
fitting after all.
The publisher of the, Plumber will scarcely, if
he.be at all of a facetious turni-:resist the tempta.'
tion, when he parts with a copy of the periodical,
of exclaiming, Solder-gain, and got the
money I"
The war-whoopers must expect no sympathy
from the Plumber. The water-"pipe-ing times of
peace will form the burden of its song.
If the reader should detect any marklt'of undue
laudation of the new venture in the above re-
marks, he will please to rEcllect' that, under lthe
circumstances, "plumbing it upL".wap, rhe .:'Dy
course open to us. t U,, S.-,"
On the Key .Vive.
"There is a dead lock at Victoria between the
two Houses of Legislature.". Can no one apply a
skeleton-key F ________-
A Linguistic Facility.
In order to accommodate the various foreign
cardinals, a language common to all the members of
the Sacred College has been left behind by Pio
-Mono for use in the Conclave. Or so, at least, we
presume it is meant, when we read so much about
the Camer-" lingo." "

Steeling a March.
Armour plates, thirteen and fourteen inches
thick, have been sent in hot haste-though made of
chilled steel-from Sheffield to Sheerness to com-
plete the land defences at the latter place. We
hear that the manufacturers worked night and day
to get them done, being assured they were re-
quired for a ease of Sheerness-cessity,

POPULAR DANCES.-The breakdown at Peace
Meetings.

I

AUNT TOWZER IN PARLIA-
MENT.
I'm sure, Mr. Auditor, ewents do follow each
other's 'eels with such wheelocity as quite sets my
poor 'ed a-turning, and I don't wonder as the
country's in a ferment with such a bruin' as there
is in the Yeast. When I heard that Lord Darby
say as the Fleet was to go up to Cantetandanobble,
says I, "Well, if that ain't taking Stambull by his
Golden Horns," which, as that Sir Wilful said-
though what the joecose barren knight meant I'm
sure I don't know-" is the Bos for us, and p'raps
'11 cow them Rushy'uns."
But lor, we' live in sich unstaple times there's
no knowing what alterations come about all of a
sudden, and the house which was up in its stirrups
a-riding of the 'igh 'orse and a-saying as Bright-
annia ruled the mane on Friday, looked quite
down in the mouth on Monday, when Lord Darby
said as the Otterman Porte wouldn't let the Fleet
pass the Darning-needles, which every one knows
as it wasn't the Otterman, as never was a firm
man, and so sat upon as he has been, but the
Muskywight, as had put it forward as its talking
'orse. .
Well, in the Commons that same night, if that
Cowen, as is a downright war party, didn't get up
and begin a bullyen everybody as didn't coinside
with him, and a more bellowcose and mal-apro-
posterous speech I never did hear. Says I, The
Govingment's got its money ; don't torchure us by
setting light to them 'embers again ;" for he was
that fiery I thought some on 'em would follow in
his tow. Glad I was to see as good scents was
the order of the day, and that blood-red 'erring as
that Cowen dragged on the war path didn't kick
up much dust after all, and, as that Gladston said,
was quite ancient and fishy.
After all the dust as had been raised by the war
mongrels there was quite a woasis the next night,
when that Mr. Leatherem gave them people as
deal in seemoney their deserts. I never was so
much shocked as when I heard about them
ministers as wanted cures of soles waiting for
dead men's shoes. Why, I says, it's turning the
church into a shop, people a-going round for holy
orders, and I only wish as they could get their
livings some other way. And only fancy selling
'em by orktion, and the orktioneer a-saying as the
incumbrance was on his last legs, and if some one
would only give a good price p'raps he'd go off at
his bidding. Why, it's a stain upon the cloth,
and I don't wonder at Mr. Leatherem a-saying
that if he heard a orktioneer cracking up spiritual
wares just as if they was jokes he'd go and hang
his head.
Every one was on tiptoe on Thursday, wanting
to know all about them irony-clads, and such a
number., of Eastyun questions as was put to the
Govingment I never did hear. When that Sir
Northcoat had answered 'em, up gets Mr. Ed'ard
Ginx (him as had the baby) and makes a speech,
which I suppose he thought 'ud be a sort of anti-'
dose to that Cowen's ; although I must say he was
in such a phrenzy as he couldn't extinguish
between phriends and phoes, a-calling the Goving-
mant invertedbrutes," and the Opposition mol-
luscious" and "limp." But somehow I didn't
take to his lectoring and hectoring, and I wasn't\
sorry to see him tread on a Peel as sent him slip-
ping, unprepared, just as he was.

MONETARY JOTTINGS.
In India there is a wonderful difference be-
tween a scarcity of money and a lac of rupees.
The easiest way to make money go fast is to
have it in "ponies."
Five "light" sovereigns are equal to one
fash note.
'The fable of the "goose and golden eggs" is
clearly the origin of the expression, "I'll lay you a
sovereign."
Nobody knows why the study of old coins should
be called new-mismatics.
Despite Dr. Darwin, the Mist is the best
authority on the Origin of Specie."
If a tradesman gives you change for a ten-pound
note in shillings, you would be justified in saying
that you felt pretty bob "-bish.

-,ITEMS FROM INDIA.
.,J(. 11
Siam is making great preparations for a war
with the Celestiall Empire-evidently intending to
haves smash at the peace of old China.
A Chapter has been held for the purpose of
immersing more native swells in the honours of
the Indian Bath. There were many a-verse to
that Chapter.
The "Lines Residency" is still so far from
finished, that it will be impossible for the intend-
ing residents to "hang out" there for some time
yet.

I, thet us Take to the Heatk."
In the -enewed uneasiness about the safety of our
t heatres,, it is gratifying to note that at all events
the Princess's is strongly Shored up.
Literary.
The new weekly, to be edited by Mr. S. 0. Hall,
bears the name of Social Notes. Mr. Bradlaugh's
following rather resent another Hall of Social
Science.
Public. Servants' Register Office.
As in case we go to war there may be a want of
good General officers in the army, we commend the
following advertisement to Mr. Hardy's attention:
'HE *Shropshire Registry, Wellington, Salop.-Mrs.
Peirce has disengaged Cooks, Waitresses, and eoun
Generals; good references.

Circuitous.
The old Home Circuit and the present South-
Eastern Circuit have resolved that in future there
shall be no bar "mess" in Surrey. Would that
the same could be said of Middlesex, so far as the
working of the Judicature Act in Westminster and
Guildhall is concerned.
GUI-TAR AND FEATHERS.-The Troubadour.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

ARMY CLOTHING.
The Lancet, indeed, is a terrible print
To fill us with horror and loathing-
It gives us just now something more than a hint
About finding our soldiers in clothing.
Says that dangers far worse than from grapeshot
and bomb
Maybe hid in a shako of beaver ;
And that bright scarlet coats from the tailor may
come
Fraught with germs of fresh scarlet-in fever!
And the soldier untouched on the glorious field,
By invisible foes finds his life void ;
And ne'er beaten in battle in barrack may yield
To an onslaught of small-pox or typhoid.
Look to it, good Duke Let the tailor be drilled,
Disinfect both the clothes and their makers.
Though the soldier is ready to kill or be killed,
Army clothiers are not undertakers.

DOING THE THEATRES.
(BY OUR CRANKISH CRITIC.]
Apropos to the performance at the Haymarket,
has it ever struck you, when comparing the draw-
ing capabilities of various playwrights, that while
you can only see Shakespeare's Twvelfth Night,
you can, at the Vaudeville, see H. J. Byron's one
thousandth ? A poor look-out for the legitimate-
eh ?
However, as Viola, Miss Neilson is "very much
too sweet and dear," and consequently, though the
gilded youth do not, as a rule, care about
Shakespeare, they muster in largish numbers to
look at the fair Adelaide. The audience find the
Bard's Sir Andrew Aguecheek-y facetiousness
rather depressing on the whole; but a glimpse of
Neilson in that delightful Greek costume is, as
the street patterers say, "alone worth the money
charged," and thus all is contentment.
At the Royalty, Miss Santley has gone in for
propriety, under the patronage of Messrs. Reece
and Farnie. The long Marjo-laine has arrived
at its turning; and there is nothing in Madcap
to bring a blush even to the exacting cheek of
Mr. Cbllette. To quote a punctilious lady in the
dress-circle, the new piece is a bit of arrant
Thomas-fooling," but, nevertheless, it is sufficiently
amusing. Brough's "Muddle-Puddle Porter"
song is, as its name implies, no half-and-half
affair, and his business with that vociferous
canary-a substitute for the defunct George "-
goes admirably. A good many hard things have

been said about the new bouffonnerie musicale"
but it certainly seemed the night I was there to
please a crowded audience; and Miss Santley
may therefore be encouraged, in spite of the critics,
to take the advice of the proverbial sage : "If the
Mad-cap fits-your theatre-wear it."
If not exactly a "phantom of delight," the
Spectre Knight at the Opera Comique is very
pleasing. The Spectre's song is a noticeable
numb-er; that is to say, it might freeze your
marrow if you hadn't been corrupted by a sceptical
age. Altogether, Mr. Carte is to be congratulated
on the production of the novelty. Happy the
fortunes of the house where the ghost walks"
every night till further notice I

THE MONTH'S FOLLETI
The strict rule of the season is that there must
be no complete design on any dress. Any person
having a design on one should be given in charge
immediately.
Basques are still affected by those who basque
in fashion's sun.
The latest plastrou is made of amber satin
embroidered in jet three-quarters of a yard wide
at the hem. Jet three-quarters of a yard wide is
a neat thing to begin embroidering with I
Walking dresses are very quietly trimmed-not
a word being spoken above a whisper during the
process.
Everything Spanish is highly fashionable-
Spanish lace, Spanish hens, Spanish liquorice,
and Spanish onions.
The newest bonnets have two brims, the space
between them being filled with flowers-quite
brim-ful.
Large felt bonnets are in favour here, but in
Paris they are so small they can't be felt at all.
Caps are made in any style to suit cap-ricious
tastes.
Features must be dark, with eyes and hair to
match, in honour of the new Queen of Spain.
There is no change to record this month in the
shape of the nose.
Clocks are still the go on stockings.

The Game of Evasion.
CONDOLING WIPE (at breakfast).-My Charles,
you do not eat; not indigestion, dear one?
DEAR ONE (remembering what he has to meet
because of the evening's whist).-Ye-es, the stakes
are so heavy at that confounded club.

EASTERN ECHOES.
They talk about "England entering the
Straits" as if it were news; yet ever since the
Eastern bobbery recommended England has, as we
all know, been in one strait or another.
If there is any spirit left in the Ottoman race,
the Russians, should they enter Constantinople,
will find a swarm of wasps about their ears. Or
is it Golden Horn-ets ?
Speaking of that, though, our Admiral, if he
succeeds in getting up close under the walls of
the city, will inevitably be known to posterity as
Golden Horn-by.
"The British fleet," forsooth! The British un-
commonly slow is the belligerent party's opinion.
A M. Onon was formerly First Dragoman of
Ignatieff. Seeing who that gentleman has been
mixed up with, couldn't something smart be said
with regard to "'Onou-r among thieves ?"
General Soutzo has withdrawn his resignation
of the command of the army in Thessaly." That
is right. Probably nobody else would Soutzo
well; and the General knows it.

ANDERSONIAN NOTIONS.
[CONCEIVED BY A POWER-FUL IMAGINATION.]
It is almost a pity that Mr. Richard Power, who
recently made such a hit by announcing his dis-
covery that the Caledonian Anderson had pat-
riotically taken up his abode in Thistle Grove,
S.W., did not push his researches into the member
for Glasgow's private affairs a little further. We,
however, are enabled to take up the parable where
it was dropped; and the House of Commons,
which roared over Mr. Power's disclosure, cannot
gracefully refuse the homage of a gentle snigger
to the following veracious statements:
Mr. Anderson places no faith in ordinary clef.
He always winds up with a Scotch whis-key.
Mr. Anderson prides himself on being quite "up
to Scotch snuff."
Mr. Anderson delights to employ his leisure in
the construction of model steam-engines, for he
cultivates tastes that are Mc-anical.
Mr. Anderson knows how to combine the study
of his national music with dining. He just sits
down to a game pie-broch.
Since Mr. Anderson discovered that paper can
be made from asparagus ends, he has devoted
himself, heart and soul, to the perfecting of a

method for turning his national!vegetable into a
wearable fabric, to be called Scotch kale-ico.
Mr. Anderson is very severe at whist; for the
simple reason that he enjoys hearing his partner
afterwards point him out with the remark, That
was a tart-un plaid."
When out angling. Mr. Anderson despises the
ordinary winch; and he habitually winds his line
on a Scotch reel.
There That is about as much space as we can
afford for an enumeration of the peculiarities of
the Glasgow member.

THE LATEST IMPOSSIBILITIES

To frame the picture of Misery."
To polish your furniture with a knuckle-duster.
To trim your moustache with Brussels lace.
To keep game-preserves in family jars.
To put castors on the legs of a time-table.
To induce Mr. Rimmel to give a hundred scents
for a dollar.
To weigh your words in a chromatic scale.
To feel chilly at receiving "a cool thousand,"
To draw conclusions with an HB pencil.
To get intoxicated with a monarch's "Majestic
port."
To make Charity comprehensible to the meanest
capacity."
To sew buttons on a coat of paint.
To be aroused by the crowing of a weathercock.
To earn 10 a night by acting on your own con-
victions.

THE ONLY SATISFACTORY SYSTEM OF ADJUST-
ING CAPITAL AND LABOUR.-Peace-work.
A SEASONABLE SUIT.-One made of a pepper-
and-salt mixture.

THE OPERA COMIQUE SPECTRE-KNIGHT.

--
CC"-

~)t 'WE

JIL1

/ '1 r~ fill

~/ ~ Ann

-r- 13S1

1. A Grand Duke, his daughter Viola, and her attendants,
and a Lord Chamberlain, having been banished from their
homes, quietly settle down in an Opera Comique Haunted
Glen, where they make the best of their position without
servants.
2. Poor Banished Viola never beheld a young man in all
her life. Enter Otho, another banished Duke, disguised as
a Friar, and secretly in love with Viola. Olga (log.) : Oh,
want-to see a nice young gentleman. Then you shall to-

night." Viola: "Thanks; I will in the glen sit up late
for him."
3. Viola sits up late, but the young man cometh not,
and she falleth asleep.
4. Enter Glen Ghost, singing, On visiting terms with
Hamlet's father, I haunt fair glens and respectable towers,
And always go home at decent hours'' Viola executes a
graceful fall.
5. Lor, Viola, such a lark; I ain't a ghost. Kiss me.

That wasn't a cold, damp, churchyard one-eh ?" Viola:
"Oh, no, but give me another ghost." Ghost : "No, I will
be sufficient for you. I'm-ah-the Friar, otherwise the
young man, or rather Olga, very much in love with you."
Viola: "Then I sh-a-a-all be your wife."
6. And the Ghost, or the real live nice young man, gives.
a grand feast to the occupants of the' glen. Some of the
Articles of Diet.

FUNNY FOLKS. -'SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1878.

TO THE LAST GRAND VIZIER. "': "".*', -
[E"The office of Grand Vizier is abolished for ever."- ;.. '
Turkish telegram.] ,
0 fine old Eastern figure, art thou truly
Wiped out from the bright page
Of Orient pomp we read in youth's unruly
And all-believing age?
How will Lane's book look that made young brains
dizzier 7
S Each day with dreamy shades?
What will the ultans be without a Vizier ?
What the Schehezerades P
No more we'll-haunt the glittering ways that
stretched r
Through mosque and bright bazaar; I /'
Haroun AI-Raschia is Haroun All-Wretched
Without his Giafar.
Good-bye to bowstrings of the good old pattern ;
Lamps, genii, are all stuff.
The fair Boulrouboudoor's a shrew and slattern,
And Noureddin's a muff !
0 lost illusion fled, 0 ancient office
Numbering twelve hundred years!
Now may the pompous Pasha fitly doff his
Tail, or whatever he wears.
No more to us shall Eastern things seem dreamier
Watching, reclined on mats,
Grand Viziers turbaned-now, we see a Premier
In ulaters and tall hats!

its wearer comparatively safe from the dangers of
the streets.
In fact, the uses of the invention are well-nigh
endless.

DIPLOMACY OF THE DAY.

The following diplomatic correspondence is
about to be laid on the table of the House of
Commons :
Bayard,'Ambassador, to Correspondent of the
Diurnal Trumpeter : "I say, would you like a
little scandal, Just to stir your circulation up?
Got it in my official capacity; but that doesn't
matter in these enlightened days. Besides, it's
against that horrid Sorrypebble, whom we all
hate."
Correspondent Diurnal Trumpeter to Bayard,
Ambassador: "Send on; want spice badly. Our
pay is ten guineas per rumour for something
-decent."
Bayard to Correspondent: Here you are. You
know Pedrosponte here. Well, he's managed
to get out of Sorrypebble a letter in which he says
the Helots ought to go to war with the Bashi-
Bazouks. At least he doesn't quite say that-
rather the contrary; but you could work the thing
up into a screamer all the same."
Extract from Diurnal Trumpeter: "Our

A, best give in at once to all disasters, Special Correspondent informs us that he has it,
Since he shall ne'er come back i on the highest authority, that Mr. W. E. Sorry-
Who bowstrung mistresses, and sometimes masters, 'pebble hasten t eter to a Helot merchrt
And sometimes got the sack.o .o a pebble has written a letter to a Helot merchant
'Tis the last blow. A tree can fare but poorlyoy I advocating an immediatemassacreof all the Bashi-
When the last bird takes wing: Bazouks and a general defilement of the tombs of
Without a Vizier all success is, surely, their ancestors."
A viziernarything! After six months-Sorrypebble to Foreign
e Secretary: "My lord, at last I have discovered
the source of the infamous rumours against me.
WITH ADMI RA L HO RNB Y. Your Ambassador Bayard is responsible for them.
[FROM T(E ONLY CORRESPONDENT ON BOARD THE Will you ask him for an explanation ?"
ALEXANDRA.] Bayard to Sorrypebble: "All right."
I-Sorrypebble to Bayard: "But I don't under-
I have just looked out of a porthole on to the stand."
azure main (I wish that mane hadn't such an un- Bayard to Sorrypebble : "That's the ticket."
pleasant habit of tossing), and as I see another Sorrypebble to Bayard : "I really mustrequest
barge putting off with nine trunks full of official an answer."
correspondence, I seize the opportunity to acquit Foreign Minister to Sorrypebble : "Mr. Bayard
myself of my arpuous functions, and inform you .does not think it necessary to continue the present
that Admiral Hornby is quite well, thank you. l controversy."
When I say quite well, I mean be is up to his
usual amount of junk and biscuit, and I think he V F_
takes his rum regularly. But that's all. His REALISTIC REALIZATIONS.
mind's evidently anything but trim and taut, asRE
Edinburgh would say; and as his berth is next to T H E R E TO R T C R U E L. An American actress playing in the Two
mine (it'S a berth that has nearly been the death Sc E-CoVapside. Orihans gives reality to her shivering by placing
me h me t o r i ae Beggar (following up City J ker).-OH, SIR, I AssURE YOU I HAVE EATEN a bag of powdered ice in the small of her back
training that he talks in his sleep, andthat Firman, ~ity Joker.-EATEN NOTHING FOR Two DAYS? THEN, m DEAR SIR, You realistic example, we understand that one of our
Beaconsfield, and counter-orders figure prominently SHOULD GO AND SEE A DOCTOR AT ONCE. YOU MUST WANT A TONIC! well-known actresses, when wishing to depict keen
in his nocturnal monologues. anguish, will, by arrangement wih her dresser,
It isn't all beer and skittles being an Admiral have a pin left running into the fleshy part of
in command when a dashing Conservative Govern- But stay. This time the dispatch-boat has constables a coat of the Phosphorescent Paint over her arm. Better still, another, anxious to substi-
ment is in power, I can tell you. What a week brought a Firman or something. The colours are their ordinary uniforms, and they will be as con- tute real for assumed laughter, now never goes On
we have had of it I There's been a dispatch-boat nailed to the mast again, and we're off. Hurrah spicuous as glow-woris. Confidence would be at in a laughing scene without first reading a number
alongside about three times per diem, Ishould say, for Constantinople! But I'll tell you when we once restored to residents in our retired suburbs of Funny Folks. g er
on an average, and Hornby has been sent nearly get there. by the regular flashing past their windows of an
mad by diplomatic cyphers, for which the Foreign d illuminated peeler," while evil-doers would re-
Office had forgotten to invent a key. I am told A SPARKLING IDEA frain from coming within the orbit of a corvus- DECIDED NOVELTY.
thatthat's awaythe foreign Office has, and I A SPARKLING IDEAe cating"copper."
don't wonder at t, seeing how'great we are in Cabmen, tooee, might be saved the expense of oil There will be more novelty this season in the
negotiation. That Phosphorescent Paint invented by the lamps by painting their cabs with fire, or even matter of ladies' dress than there has been for
First, you know (for instance), Beaconsfield French chemist is evidently destined to be a most setting a phosphorescent star on their aorses'fore many years. The Ladies' Dress Association
would send out the Spitfire -_(Limited) has issued its
gunboat, bearing a big blue prospectus, and states that
envelope containing scret "the be t materials only will
instructions (news of which be supplied, and dresses
had been telegraphed by all I made up by inexperienced
the correspondents to pro- bands from Paris. An ex-
vincial papers three days -cellent dress, well made and
before) to break into the -_- well finished, will be obtained
Dardanelles, whether the aalower pric than now
Turks liked it or not, and __aa___owerpricethnnow
u__1_- --_e_ charged by edperienced
landed five hundred blue --- d-est makers. har a
jackets at Constantinople to --What___ -dresalbe haetre ai
o____-s original
keep order between the Moe- oIieat --- -_- hv ds s mad tion
lem and Muscovite forces. -__- _-- xevenesses" handbys. Uin-
All right. England was Uthepres tie 's
going to doits duty. Hornbyt e.ore a s f th c lady's f

fot to take possession of it reign of ill-made garments
nailed Jingo, w hen up puffed .a r wes have known tailors pretty

an Admiralty yacht, the --II successful in inaugurating
(atDove, sent out by Lord dOif theo the S c io nl
Derby. Governmot bent hade of-' te schloi translation f
r fou), and out that five wehundre just of Nilnofit-i.e., It's
sailors wash't quite enoughnogoo it don't fitA
to keep order among six reignoill-madearment
s o we had better go back to we have known tailors pretty
Besika. The Turkish fort --Wccessful in inaugurating
openly sneered at us, but Khedive'stOf creditors, the Ladies'
Dback we went. d Drtute yet amssociable potentateook fo
found ouA t Besika thaterfe was a marks, in his best English:ort
sat.iloeram from Hardy, nb go d.
to kdessay, inordeed remarked mogsix-
th e Admiral. The Russians A Dry One .
so wehad sinisbetter designs acting When the simoom casts
one of the British i foterests The dust into the eyes of deo-

in the Admiral. T, w hen an Austrian Old Gentleman from e Countr.-BLESS Y SOOTvidentlyI
b hSd sinisteamer designals ff us Tooti! AND HOW tiINELY THE HIEROGLYPHICSti STAND O Wo FT OR rter
on-tha rations to -special war corrht

and the postage is twch And those ughty Boys Postve jo their Joe at i pese. It may not be generally
307,920,441,pene. (We're now having along correspondence brilliant success. Although primarily intended heads on th moing seo
withg the Admiralty about that twopences ) The for numbering the street doors of houses in figures riding atnn their rvehle ih recent icn w l have to pay
letter's from Cros. I should say the letter's to which would shine the brighter the dakr the tg t n m e to enter the theatre of war.
he gets it. Layard's got a FirThey will a get in within for us, and it can be turned.
diesret ady we get it we're to go to the Bosphorus. For instance, we all know bow difficult'it is to wea GYPTersI would undoubtedly procure a macintosh A Distinctan order."
however dsent out without any powder SCENE-ThamesEmbase, a flaming overcoat would make the Rui annt with Modrs fer loatra'sele.l
iethat she has a letter for ust

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

THE CHAIN OF LOVE.
AN AMATORY PUZZLE FOR THE VALENTINE SEASON.
I love Miss Miles. She gives her heart
To rich Sir Thomas Bloggins, Bart.
He loves not her, but Mrs. Vere,
To whom not he, but G. is dear.
G., in his turn, is sweet upon
Jane Jones. She loves his brother John,
Who, almost holding Jane in hate,
Is spoons" upon her cousin Kate.
Kate, the ecstatic, the romantic,
For Count de Voy with love is frantic.
Alas, the count would give his hand
To one within his native land-
A dame enamoured of a poet,
A bard who doesn't even know it,
But hopeless woos, with plaintive song,
An Eenglish mees named Rhoda Long.
She ne'er in aught his bliss promotes,
But on a British artist doats,
Whobendeth adoration's knee
To one who is in love with ME !
Though (as I mentioned) my affection
Has for Miss Miles a miss-direction.
Thus may we see Love's subtle chain
Wound round us till it meets again.
To each and all its fetters cling;
But how adjust it ?-that's the thing.
How so dispose each he and she
That all alike may happy be P
How shift each preference in turn,
Till flame to flame responsive burn?
That is the puzzle. Reader, oan
You solve-" or any other man?"

ARMY FEVER DEPOT.
It seems that the Army Clothing Department
manages its affairs so badly that the soldier is
exposed to as much danger from his uniform as
he is from the enemy. The Department serves out
small-pox coats, typhoidal "overalls," and great-
coats redolent of fever germs.
The result is that the recruit practically goes
into action when he goes into uniform, and a shell
is not more deadly than a shell-jacket.
The Guards' Shirt Association-whatever that
may be-is, according to the Lancet, attended with
as much peril to its members as if it were a Nessus-
shirt Association; perhaps more, as the Guards
can, stand fire,"
* Why the Army Clothing Department should pay
for soldiers' clothing on such miserable terms that

TAKING HIM AT HIS WORD.
Wife.-YOU WERE LATE HOME FROM THE CLUB LAST NIGHT.
Husband.-YEs; IT RAINED CATS AND DOGS.
Toddles.-OH, PA, WHY DIDN'T 00 BRING ME A ICKLE PUrrPPY BOW-WOW

it has to be made in fever-dens and small-pox could understand the conduct of the Army Cloth-
infested slums is best known to themselves. The ing Department. We should say they were acting
country pays money enough to'clothe the soldier on homeopathic principles, using one disease to
handsomely and wholesomely; if not, it will pay cure another. But that is not so, had everything
more. It is prodigal in millions, and understands points to the desirability of our not opposing the
that it is wretched economy to make soldiers at searlet-fever" with scarlet-fever.
one hundred pounds a-piece, and destroy them for -
farthing savings in slop-work. From the East.
If we wanted to depress military ardour and This is a paradox, the poet sings:
deter men from enlisting into our death-ranks, we To make an army fly-break both its wings.

NEW INTERNATIONAL.POLICE.
All the Powers of Europe are suddenly seized
with a desire to keep order among the naughty
inhabitants of Constantinople. That unregenerate
city doesn't as yet seem in favour of any order of
that kind, and it irreverently remarks that it would
rather have the riots than the policemen. For,
that wrong-headed Porte (it's a port with a terrible
head, but not much body) points out, "When our
Softas were squabbling with yachtagans and
horse-pistols; when we were scizzoring our
sultans and shooting our viziers, and things were
generally more picturesque than comfortable, you
didn't talk about police then. You sent ambas-
sadors, not constables; you went in for protocols,
not handcuffs. And now we have made peace
and are not murdering anybody to speak of, you
think we require an International Police." This
is what the Porte actually went so far as to say
when the International Police arrived. What the
result has been, so far, we know : what it will
ultimately be, who knows ?

WHAT'S .THEIR GAME?
A large importation of Russian grouse was sold
by English dealers in game last week. Is this
another of Prince Gortschakoff's dark schemes "
for the subjugation of Britain ? It has been long
suspected that Russia was playing a "high"
game, but it was not anticipated that she would
begin her subjection of England by subtle gastro-
nomic means, tending to lower the stamina and
undermine the British constitution. Some political
epicures hold that Russian game and Turkey are
not in season just now. Others, crediting rumours
of the alliance between the late belligerents, will
not be surprised to find them both at the same
table.

Sure Cure for Simplicity.
Our very own Petruchio was an excessively simple
youth until he led to the altar the fair and spirited
Katherine, the girl of his choice. He is now much
more shrew-ed than most men.
"Two Loves."
This is the title of Mrs. C. Martin's new novel
and it is really a very sad title. Not "two loves,"
Mrs. Martin. One loves; two love. We should at
least be grammatical.
THE MAN OF ONE Boox.-The tax-collector.

OUR ARTIST WITH THE WAR AND PEACE PARTIES.

1. ON THE WAT TO THE CREMORNE DEMON- 2. AT CREMORNE. SETS TO WoRK. 3. THE RESULT MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER HAD NOT BOTH SIDES TRIED TO
STATION. INFLUENCE IT.

4. Stranger : SIR, YOU ARE SMOKING TURKISH TOBAcco. 5. THE MAN WHO WRITES THE WAR
LET ME OFFER YOU A RUSSIAN CIGAR." LITTERS.

6. THE GENTLEMAN WHO SO STRONGLY ARGUES FOR PEACE.

7. IN COURT. Judge : THESE, GEN- 8. AT A LADIES' DEBATING SOCIETY. Now, SIR, Is is NECESSARY 9. WITH THE M.P. WHO WOULD BE PROUD OF AN
TLEMBN, ARE MY VIEWS ON THE PEACE- FOR US TO KNOW-ARE YOU FOR PEACE OR WAR P" ARTIST'S OPINION ON THE FEW WORDS HE HAS COM-
BEG PARDON-ON THE CASE," &C. MITED TO PAPER."

FUNNY FOLKS.

THE-UNILINGUIST.

S KNOW neither
Latin nor
It .Greek,
Save works I select
o as I need them;
'No German or
N French can I
speak,
And find it some
trouble to read
them
Of Spanish I scarce
know a word,
With Hebrew they
never would task
me;
As for Sanscrit, of
course, weree
absurd
T For even one letter
to ask me.
I speak not the soft Portuguese,
Ltalk not in eloquent Russian,
Nor can I, in lofty Chinese
Take part in a lengthy discussion;
Of Celtic I never knew much,
Nor lingoes of lands Scandinavian
I cannot discourse in High Dutch,
Or.write to my friends in Moldavian
O'er Cymraig," so harsh and uncouth,
I never would splutter and wrackjaw;
And Polish to me, from my youth
S Seemed hopelessly jerky and crack-jaw.
Of Hindoo and Turkish I know
No :more than of Persian and Coptic;
And small would my Arabic show
To even the piercingest optic.
I'm sure, if I tried, I should fail
To sing in the Indoo-Tartaric,
Or tell to the natives a tale
Of African regions barbaric.
Of tender and liquid Malay
No knowledge at all I pretend to-
In short, I am sorry to say
This list there is scarcely an end to.
But though in linguistics I won't
Presuanme to compete with my betters,
Some folks are worse off-for they don't
Know English-to judge from their letters.

AMATEURS AT THE GAIETY.
The great theatrical sensation of last week was
,the amateur pantomime of the Forty Thieves at the
Gaiety, and we are happy to record that it passed
off without a hitch.
Mr. Gilbert's much talked-of harlequin was a
big success, the well-known dramatist having,
with his usual conscientiousness, taken the utmost
pains to render himself perfect in the part. It
was delightful to see him in his spangles, tripping
it merrily with all the abandon of a youth at his
first dance-like a Bab Bal-lad, in fact.
Mr. Wye, a gentleman of cricketty renown,
made a capital clown. The hero of pantomime
has generally, as far as we have noticed, a pretty
open smile; but on this occasion the grin of the
man in motley was Wye-der even than usual.
As for the pantaloon, he seemed to be quite at
home-or, shall we say, T. Knox Holme ?-in
his r6le-knock down and roll-of the clown's
much-beliboured comrade.
Several "professional" ladies had much to do
with the success of the pantomime. The ever-
lovely Lydia Thompson, for example, danced and
acted so enchantingly that the audience longed
for more and Mor-giana I
Miss Barry-whose doting husband, by-the-bye,
appeared, with singular inconsistency, in one of th e
minor instead of one of the Major Rolls-was her
handsomely-massive self as Abdallah ; and Miss
Buckstone e-Lucy-ted much applause as the good,
and extremely pretty, fairy.

YE HISTORIC OF SEINT
VALENTYNE'S DAYE.
[BY Out OwN ANTIQUARY.]
The custom of keeping "St. Valentide" origi-
nated among the Romans, in the festival of Luper-
calia, in honour of the god Pan, who thus appears
to have had some connection with the "fire of
love." Perhaps Pan was, as Serjeant Buzfuz puts
it in Pickwick, "only a cover for hidden fire."
One of the customs at this festival was for young
folks of both sexes to assemble, and having written
each other's names on slips, for fear they might
slip their memories, to cast them into a lottery, and
then draw them forth in such a manner that each
two made a pair. The couple thus united were
bound to each other by many close ties (it must
have been a sort of amatory Davenport rope-trick),
but not quite so fast as the bonds of Hymen, which
the lovers often assumed before the end of the year.
Now, it so chanced that poor Bishop Valentine
was doomed to decapitation, and suffered his
martyr-doom on the 14th of February, 278,
-exactly sixteen centuries ago. The Pope decreed
that the names of saints should be substituted
in the lotteries for the names of the feminine
divinities adored by the lovers. Thus the
festival became parly tender, partly pious; St.
Valentine was selected as the lover's chosen
patron, and this led to the Valentine customs
of the Middle Ages, in which even middle-aged
people occasionally joined. On St. Valentine's
Eve, each daughter of Eve and son of Adam came

to the assembly--"the court of Cupid," as Spenser THE SORT OF THING TO
calls it, most appropriate for those who confessedly EXPECT AT THE CONFERENCE.
came to court-and having written their names
singly-for of com-urse it would have been inappro-
priate to write them married-ly-on pieces of paper, ENGLISH REPRESENTATIVE (entering). Good
each maid drew out the name of some bachelor- morning, gentlemen. Am I not a gorgeous spec.
drawing him out too afterwards, if he happened to tackle? That coat and
be shy-and vice verso. This was called drawing GERMAN R. You really are. That coat and
valentines," an achievement nowadays left entirely waistcoat are something quite out of the common
to our artists. It was noticed that the swains were ENGLISH R. Thought you 'd think so. Yes;
generally more constant than the nymphs, who oft, cloth.of-eighteen-carat.gold, I assure you.
with true feminine fickleness and tearfulness, began over five hundred pounds.
to "cry off." Elsewise the pair were allowed to TuEKISH R. Did they now? Well, I shouldn't
send love-tokens and tender epistles; the swain wonder. How shiny your eye-glass is!
could give a loving kiss without fearing an indig, ENGLISH R. No wonder. It's a pure diamond,
nant smack in return, and the two could quarrel, my boy. The cutting alone came to three thousand
an' it pleased them, just as if they were already pounds. Can you oblige me, any of you, with a
man and wife. light ? ,
At the. end of the year they generally made a AUSTRIAN R. Certainly. That's a curious-
match of it, and so lit the torch of Hymen. smelling cigarette of yours.
Valentine's Day was old Candlemas Day, but no ENGLISH R. Yes, isn't it? A million-pouna
amatory youth was inclined to make light of it. bank-note rolled up tight, that's all. Beautiful
Most approached it with composite feelings to aroma, I call it! And for flavour it beats your
make "dip "in the lucky-bag in order to secure Latakia hollow.
some charmer cast in the mould" of beauty. It ITALIAN R. Excuse me, but ain't your trousers
was on Valentine's Day that, according to Dame a very funny pattern ? ,
Durden, the birds began to mate," and each lover ENGLISH R. Well, perhaps so; but they're quite
proceeded to do the same "like a bird." When unique. Made of New River Company's shares, you
the fair maid looked out from her bower at early see. They'renotverycomfortablethissharpweather;
mornbreak she was pretty sure to see another yet I paid enough for them, goodness knows. The
bower, in the person of the favoured cavalier, taking material, without making up, stood me in more
off, his bat to her, having proved his devotion by thousands than I can count on my toes and fingers.
getting up a couple of hours earlier than usual. RUSSfAN R. Very probably; but isn't it time for
Young ladies had other charming superstitions us to get to business ?
anent thelovesome festival. For instance, theywrote ENGLISH R. Quite time. I've got a capital plan

NO BONNETS ALLOWED IN THE STALLS.
(A Theatrical Experience, with a Moral for Managers.)

3. "If it's the rule I must comply, but you
will take the very greatest care of it."

the names of sweethearts on bits of paper, rolled them
in clay, and dipped them in water; whichever first
rose to the surface was judged to come up to the level
of excellence necessary for a good Valentine. At
the worst the young lady can resolutely keep her
eyes shut until she hears the signal of her intended,
so as to avoid the milkman, the newsvendor, or the
postman being "the first man" of the day, and
consequently her Valentine.
Delightful customs. Sweet Saint! Happy lovers!
may you be ever blest, and never, never receive a
Valentine that is not expensive, highly-scented, and
above all, prepaid as to postage!

Stamboulet.
It was a Pasha's daughter,
Who would have her wilful way,
And to every one who sought her
Told her mind or said her say.
And when in matters ma'tial
Aught they urged her sire to grant,
It was she who answered, "Pasha'll,"
Or objected with "Pasha'n't."

For Colonial Use.
Why is a "Scandal about Queen Elizabeth"
like a native of North-Eastern Australia P-Because
it is a Queen-slander.
WHEN IS AN AUTHOR LIKE THE MONEY
MARKET REPORT P-When his "quotations are
flat."

DO NOT UNTIMELY DIE!
SORE THROATS CURED WITH ONE DOSE.
FENNINGS' STOMACH MIXTURE.
BOWEL COMPLAINTS cured with One Dose.
TYPHUS or LOW FEVER cured with Two Doses,
DIPHTHERIA curedwilth Three Doses.
SCARLET FEVER cured with Four Doses.
OHOLERA cured with Five Doses.
Salad in Bottles, ls. lid. each, with fall directions, by all Chemists.

2. "But that lady is permitted to wear
hers." "That, Miss? Oh, that ain't a
bonnet-that's a cap."

4. The bonnet after having been "taken the very
greatest care of," and Fee for same demanded.

for facilitating things. Let's agree that whoever
can show the most cash shall do what he likes with
the Eastern question.
ALL THE OTHER REPRESENTATIVES. A first-
rate notion, and we're on! (Aside, craftily.) He
can't have much left of the Six Millions after paying
for that rig-out.
[Al produce what money they have. The total
amounts to something over ninety pounds, ex,
elusive of a brass button and a whist counter,
the property of the German representative, and
a dishonoured cheque for two pounds ten shil-
lings, belonging to the Terkishl representative.
ENGLISH R. (triumphantly spreading the table
with notes). Two millions and a half! Now, come 1!
[Tableau-English B. having all things his own
way. Who can assert that that Vote wasn't a
splendid bit of policy, after all ?

Mort-al Bad.
What is the difference between a defunct French.
man and a dead Englishman ?P-The former is
mort (oblige by pronouncing "more"), and the
latter is "no more l"

Port It Is!
Gold has just been discovered in a new spot near
the coast of New Guinea. Diggers will no doubt
be encouraged by the fact that the name of the
place where it has been found is Port Moresby. If
it should really prove that Mores-by in respect of
this New Guinea gold, it will be capital

MEMS ON MEMBERS.
[BY OUR IDIOTIC SOCIETY-JOURNALiST.]
The member for Worcester has never yet suc-
ceeded in making a rousing speech. His- orations
are Allsopp-orific.
The member for East Kent has a wonderful flow
of language. "Words, not Deedes," is known to be
his motto.
The member for Armagh county is noted as being
the most secretive and reticent individual in the
House. He is said to have been Close from his very
birth!
The member for Huntingdon is beloved by every
one with whom he comes in contact. He is the
very prince of good Fellowes.
The member for South Durham is an ardent
disciple of John Bright. He will be of the Pease
party as long as he lives.
The member for Gravesend is quite the exquisite;
and on no account would be had seen in public
without his button-hole, which usually consists of a
Bedford Pim-pernel.
The member for Preston possesses a Scottish
bride who is a model of wifely solicitude. She
cannot bear Her-mon out of her sight.
The member for Greenock is a most melancholy
personage. His very birth he looks on as a mis-
fortune. He says it made him Grieve for the first
time.

SIGNIFICANT DREAMS.
When you dream that you are riding on horse-
back, it is a sign your head is (s)addled.
When you dream that you do not keep your ap-
pointment, it is a sign that your intended does not
grumble for reasons of no wait.
When you dream that you are using the new
registered letter-envelope, it is a sign that your
Manners may be altered for the better.
When you dream that you have put your wife in
a bad temper, it is a sign that 'Ash Wednesday is
close at hand.
When you dream that you are dancing,it is a sign
that you are about to engage a general servant with
a valse character.
When you dream that you are cutting up sticks,"
it is a sign that you will eventually become a severe
dramatic critic.
When you dream that you are bathing with no
"ozonized sea-salt" in the water, it is a sign that
you will never improve the Condy-tion of your health

COUPLETS ON THE CRISIS.
Our sympathies most briefly to express-
We love not Turkey more, but Russia less.
.To win the stake she's played so deftly for,
Russia's last card will be the trump of war."
It looks as if his Sultanship intends
Te ask his foes to "save him from his friends."
The British fleet for Russian's action waits,
Whose crooked policy has closed the Straits.
Full to the brim is Turkey's bitter cup.
Alas! we fear the Porte is "bottled up."

Not "Trite" Correct.
The saying "From pillar to post" ought surely
to be amended, seeing that nowadays we post at a
pillar.
Pitt-iful.
The Hon. Lewis Wingfield's remarkably clever
novel, "Lady Grizel," deals so largely with the
doings and sayings of the "Great Commoner,"
that the author had only to open his Shakespeare
for an appropriate motto for his work to stare him
in the face :
"'Tis true, 'tis Pitt-y, and Pitt-y 'tis, 'tis true I

CORRESPONDENCE.
*.* Contributions are sent at authors' or artists' own risk
and the Editor will not be responsible for them, or undertake
to.return them. '
D. D.-When in Shakespeare Cleopatra says," Let us
to billiards," she no doubt meant-pyramids.
Pussy asks, "Did St. Valentine ever have a sweet-
heart ?" Of course he did. Have you never heard of
St. Valentine's Eve ?"
TRAVELLER.-The lake is certainly noted for it
glassy surface, but that is not the reason of its being
named Windermere.
JOHN DoE.-The question "What shall he have who
killed the deer?" has been repeatedly answered, by-three
months for poaching.
MAJOR O'GORMAN.-The Emmett procession of the
Fenian party in Dublin on the 4th of March may un-
doubtedly be construed as an ant-i-Governmental
demonstration.

EXTRAORDINARY REGIS-
TERED INVENTION.-A MUSICAL BOX
for 2s. 8d., warranted, with the following popular
melodies: The Union Jack of Old England, Auld Lang
Syne, Safe In the Arms of Jesus, Home, Sweet Home,
The Minstrel Boy, Jesus of Nazareth Passeth By, Mollie,
Darling, and the Last Rose of Summer. Two for-
warded anywhere, carriage paid, on receipt of money
order, value 5s., payable to J. LEWIS and CO., 9,
Phlllipp-street, Kingsland, London, N.

12585IMPL U

IAF

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EVERYBODY HIS OWN PRINTER,
The want long felt for a simple and effective Printing Press
with which everybody can easily print and produce good work
has been supplied by the Newly-Patented
S8 I. B'- I3 ST MEI3IS :T Cr
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Which can be worked by a child of ten years.
PRESS, INCLUDING TYPE AND ALL ACCESSORIES, FROM 5.
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C. G. SQUINTANI & Co.,
18m, LIVERPOOL STREET, LONDON, E.C.
Bend for an Illustrated Pamphlet "How to Print," containIng aa
abridged History of the Art ol Printing, Instruetlon in Printing,
General Catalogue of Printing Materials. Me"iB ol fType. &M.. posa
tree seven stamps.

tLSON'S BINDER-BELTS
(REGISTERED).
FOR ACCOUCHEMENT OR ORDINARY WEAR,
AS SUPPLIED TO THE ROYAL COURTS OF EUROPE.

WITH THE
BELT.

TRADE MARK.
WITHOUT THE
BELT.

CARLSON'S BINDRBB-BLTs are worn immediately after accouchement, superseding the old-faalioned method of binding
and they are also a4mirably adapted for ordinary wear vith tife present styje of dress.
To a dies inclined to embonpoint they are invaluable, as they brace.up, reduce, and at the same time sup ort the figure
giving the wearer the greatest possible relief, without causing internal jury, and are strongly recommended by the meinal]
pro.fes.on. OPINIONS OF THE PRESS, &C.
Slrs,-I have mueh pleasure in Vving my testimony in favour of your Binder-Belts, which I have recommended to my patients
wo have derived much comfort and relief in their use. Yours truly, RICHD. WDD, M.R.C.S. England.
. h figures that have the slightest tendency to increase are braced in as carefully as possible . these Binder-Belts
leave nothing to be desired.-The Queen.
S. A real comfort to ladies inlnedli to embonpoint . with them it is impossible to be improperly bandaged after an
accouchement.-Myra's Journal.
S. Should be included inevery lady's outfit both for home and the colonies . well adapted to the present style of
dress .-Court Circular.
e . Light, easily appied,- nd in noise cumbrous, and possesses the unusual advantage that it can be worn with the
ordinary corset of every-day llfd,-Onee aWeek;
CARLSON'S BINDERB-BELTBS may be obtained from most of the principal Chemists, Ladies' Outfitters and Brapers, or,
will be seat, carriage paid. ti.aby address on receipt of One Guinea, by the Wholesale Agents, lixRnaT and Solt, 1t8, Cheap-
sideb London. B.. West eno, 17. York-place, Baker-street, London, W., where female attendants may beo seen.
.* In sending order, state ordinary measurement round waist'and hipa,5andif required for accouchement or ordinary wear
Country Agents appointed. A discount of 5 per cent. allowed to the readers of this Journal.
The slheapest House in the Trade for Black Lyons Gros Grain Silks. Patterns on application

Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities
from whatever cause arising. For scrofula, scurvy,
skin and blood disease, its effects are marvellous. In
bottles, 2s, 6d. each, and in cases containing 6 times the
quantity, 1s. each, of all chemists. Sent to any
address for 30 or 182 stamps, by the Proprietor, F. J.
CLARKE, Chemikt, Lincoln.

FRAMPTON'S

PILL OF HEALTH.

This excellent Family Medicine iN the most
effective remedy for indigestion, bilious and liver
complaints, loss of appetite, drowsiness, giddiness
spasms, and all disorders of the stomach and
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For FEMALES, these Pills are truly excellent,
removing the distressing headache so very pre-
valent, depression of spirits, dulness of sight,
nervous affections, blotches, pimples and sallow-
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oomplexion. Sold bI all chemists, at Is. lid. and
2S. d.r box.nt
EVERY ONE should Buy our ANTI-
S AXMINSTER HEARTHRUG for the million.
Warranted suitable for every home. Length 681in.,
width 36in. Two sent anywhere on receipt of money
order, value 6s. 6d.; four for 12s. 3d.; payable to J.
LEWIS and CO.,9, Phillipp-street, Kingsland, London,N
Just Published, Second Edition.
(6th, 7th, 8th, Oth, and 10th thousand.)
Crown 8vo, 208 pages, cloth limp, price One Shilling.
MORALITY. By James Platt,
-- author of "Business." Contents : Introduction,
Morality, Are Men Moral? Why Men are not Moral,
How Men may become Moral, Concluding Remarks:.
N.B.-Mr. PLATT, 77, St. Martin's nane, London,
W.C., will send copy of Business or Morality," post
free, Is.
"Few writers of the day have done more to carry the
soundest principles of common sense into business matters
than the author of 'Business,' who now gives the world
a work of still greater value on Morality.' The patent
springs of modern immorality are here exposed to view
without measure and without mercy, and the sound
maxims that honesty is the best policy' and virtue is
its own reward,' are made as clear as the sunshine by a
bright and genial writer."-Whitehall Review, Jan. 19,
1878.
PROVIDE AGAINST ACCIDENTS
by taking a Policy of the RAILWAY PASSEN-
GERS' ASSURANCE COMPANY. The oldest and
largest Accidental Assurance Company. The Right
Hon. Lord Kinnaird, Chairman. Subscribed Capital,
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Bonus allowed to insurers of five years' standing. ACCI-
DENTS OCCUR DAILY I 1,230,000 has been paid as
iOMPENSATION. Apply to the Clerks at the Railway
Stations, the Local Agent, or 64, CORNHILL, London.
WILLIAM J. VIAN, Secretary.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC.
The Flaxman All desirous of obtaining GOOD ITTING SHIRTS, ask for The Flaxman
The Flaxman And see that each has a tab sewn inside the Yoke with the Words The Flaxman
The Flaxman THE FLAXMAN The Flaxman,
The Flaxman The Flaxman
The F/xmn Printed thereon In indelible Ink. None are genuine without, and which Name Is
The Flaxman registered under the New Trade Mark Reglstraton Act. They are made from The Flaxman
The Fl m n olo 3s eaially selected for suhstance and durability, and the fit of them it
he Flaxman universal acknowledged being cut upon the celebrated ngiish sculptor Flax- The Flaxman
The Flaxman measure to a of ordiary.stature. The Flaxman
The Flaxman To be had of all hosiersin town or country, and wholesale only of Richard White The Fxman
T he Faxman Bnd oe.. 1,OFriday-street.E.o. The Flaxman

PERFECTION.-MaR. S. A. ALLEN'S WORLD'S HAIR RESTORER
never fails to restore Grey Hair to its youthful colour, imparting to it new
life, growth, and lustrous beauty. Its action is speedy and thorough,
quickly banishing greyness. Its value is above all others ; a single trial -
proves it. It is not a dye. It ever proves itself the natural strengthened
of the Hair. Sold by all Chemists and Perfumers.
MRS. A A. ALLz has for over 40 years manufatured these tiro
preparations. They are the standard articles for the Hair. They
should never be wsed together, nor Oil nor Pomade w'itle either.
Mas. S. A. ALLEN'S ZyrLo-BALSAMUM, a simple Tonic and Hair
Dressing of extraordinary merit for the young. Premature loss of the
Hair, so common, is prevented. Prompt relief in thousands of cases has
been afforded where hair has been coming out in handfuls. It cleanses
the hair [and'scalp and removes Dandruff. Sold by all Chemists and
S Perfumers.

S. S. A. ALLEN'S ZYLO-BALSAMUM.

Cures of Asthma, Coughs, &c., by

From Mr. oldham, Chemist, Market Place, Wisbeach: "Several
obstinate cases of asthma and c, uprle have been completely
cured by their use% and, indeed, their efficacy is general in
diseases ofthe luncs "
To singers and public speakers they are invaluable for the voice.
Theytaste pleasantly. Price Is lid. per box.
1VKONTETP TLENT.
5 TO 500 on Personal Security;
also upon Deeds, Life Policies, Shares, Warrants,
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Bills discounted. Offices, open daily, 71, Fleet-street,
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W. M. READ M.ager.
Established 1838. i ..
A. OT FO .,'o\,

AN BE LEARNT IN HALF AN HOUR.
The Press have been unanimous in praise of this marvellous
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This Original MUSICAL INSTRUMENT Is Unequalled for
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the pianoforte to which It forms a charming accompaniment.
,PRIOES: No.I,2s.; No.3 8s.; No. ,4.;,No. 4.5s.; No;5
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LARGE S aTOCK.
NEURALINE gives instant relief in
tiodouloureux, neuralgia, selatica, toothache,
rhunmatism, gout, and all nerve and local pains.-Mr.
Edgar, Butt Lighthouse, island of Lewis, writing to Sir
James Matheson: "Mrs. Edgar cannot express her
thanks to Lady Matheson for the Neuralfae. A- proved
the most successful remedy she had ever applied. Dhe
relief was almost instantaneous." LEATH and ROSS,
Homeopathic Chemists, 5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9,
Vor-treet, W. All Chemists, I1 lId. and So. Sd.; by
PostlL 3d. and sa.
DEAR VANITY.-I will, begin my
letter this week by singing the praises of a media.
cine which hae the valuable property of curing what
ill the world is suffering from at this season more or
lea-namely, a cold In the head. It is called "Glyka.
ne," three drops of whish taken at intervals of an
hour wifl Infallibly do away with the most obstinate of
colds.--" Talon Rouge,"' VatliS .ar, March 17, 1877.--
Glykaline promptly cures colds, coughs and all dis-
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, t. Paul'A Ohurchyard; and 9, erestreet, Ve-treet, W. All
Ohmilt; Ia ld. Land a& 9d.; by Poet, Is. Id. and s.

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The justly-celebrated. Cigarettes and Smoking Tobaccos made by Messrs. J. F. ALLEN and Co., of
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THE MOST ENJOYABLE SMOKE IN THE WORLD."
The beautiful golden appearance they present is only obtained by absolutely rejecting all imperfectly
cured and decayed leaves. The light grey soil on which they are grown (a small area in Virginia and North
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chemical substances and other adulterations. These Tobaccos are entirely free from stems, dust,
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Samples sent POST FREE. 20 Cigarettes for 14 stamps ; 2 ozs. Tobacco, 20 stamps ; 4 ozs., 32 stamps.
ADDRESS-
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"An unfailing remedy for unpleasant emana-
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Invented and Introduced by the Sole Proprietora,
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W. V. WRIGHT and, CO., LONDON,
Proprietors of the, COAL TAR. PILL, (Pilula Carbotis Detergens) and SOLUTION OF COAL TAR
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POULTICE
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IS EXEMPT FROM ALL THE
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'INSEPARABLE FROM POULTICES MADE WITH
LINSEED OR BREAD.
These spoil the linen, bedding, &a., dry upon the
edgs, &rapidly ferment, giving a most unpleasant
odour, and no dependence can be placed on the
quality and freshneiss ifthelinseed meal.
THIS NEW POU TECE-ISI.^.'
I A WTAAVTANThEOU 0T
FOR
IT IS READY IN A FEW SECONDS.

THE COMIC COMPANION TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Oua TWvU INTENT IS ALL FOB TYOuR DELIGHT."-Shakespeare.

THE NEW LEADING MAN.
BBEAcoNsFIELD.-OH, YES, OF COURSE! OUR GERMANE FRIEND IS EVERYBODY FOR THE TIME; BUT THEY'LL PRECIOUS
SOON FIND OUT WHO IS REALLY THE LEADING MAN.

No. 1,70.-Voi,. IV.]-

FoP. THE WEEK ENDING SATURDAY, MARCIi 2, 1878.

(ONF PBNNY.

66 FUNNY FOLKS.

THE MAN IN THE STREET.

S yet the face of the future
is hidden, and while the cry
is i'eace, peace 1" we may
really be on the verge of war.
Count Bismarck's speech was
as reassuring as anything
can be from the lips of a
diplomatist who has of late
years snubbed the old ,Tal-
leyrand school of diplomacy,
and made a merit of being
ingenuous ; because craft
begets suspicion, whereas
plain speaking wins confi-
dence, and is not more com-
promising when, you say
/ nothing. The war party is
more bellicose than ever
over the prospects of peace.
All is not, however, settled.
There will be a demand of
Russia submitted to the Congress, which may
upset all calculations. We shall see.:.:a" '..n..
The Berlin" Wespen conveys the situation in
Egypt in a very clever sketch, The position of
the Egyptians and the Israelites in the Biblical
narrative is reversed. The children of Israel,
whose money the Khedive has had, and to whom
he refuses an' examination of his books, are seen
struggling in the waters which have overwhelmed
them, while the modern Pharaoh is safe and exul-
tant on dryland. This is'exactly the present posi-
tion in the "land of Gosehen."
So Server Pasha is dismissed, and the Daily
News is calmly triumphant. To the Standards
severe reflections on the wickedness of papers
which invent scandals it answered not a word,
calm in the consciousness of strength. Its atti-
tude reminds me of the old story of the country
paper that reported a certain Bishop's visitation
sermon, in the course of which his Lordship was
made to say that he was so disgusted with the
state of the parish church, that he would never
preach in that d--d old church again."
The Bishop wrote, explaining that his words
were, that he would never preach in that damp
old church again." Thereupon the Editor loftily
stated that while,'of course, we readily gave the
Bishop the opportunity to explain, we have every
confidence in the accuracy of our reporter."
A- correspondent writing to a daily paper says
that on Sunday night, and up to six o'clock on
the following morning, he and his household lay
awake at intervals to hear the nightingale, and
asks, Has not that bird put in an unusually early
appearance ?" Of course it has. Too early, I
should think. Why couldn't it commence after
six ?
So Lowther, the new Irish Secretary, has
been returned unopposed for York. Have you read
his speech ?" said Mr. P. A. Taylor the other day
to Sir Wilfrid Lawson. "Seems quite pleased with
his constituents and with himself, and, in fact, is
generally in a state of happiness." No wonder,"
returned the incorrigible Baronet. "He looks
upon York just now as a sort of Lowther Arcadia;?
Fortunately for Sir Wilfrid at that moment the
division bell rung.
The Post Office now, says the South London
Press, charge double postage for a paper if it is
stitched I What folly next will be perpetrated ih
the name of Manners ? Is it because the Post-.
master-General cannot endure the word stitch,"
after the chaff he has got over his famous di-stitdch,
which ran something like-
"Let laws and commerce, trade and learning g le,'
But leave us Postal incapacity 2"
What next in the way of Dickens literature?
We have already had Dickens's London," one br
two works dealing with Dickens's character, anid
now a "Dickens Dictionaryi" claims a place in:
every household This is half-way on the road to
a Dickens Concordance, a tributary contribution
in twenty volumes or so, without which no library
will be complete. There will then only remain
a Bowdlerized version of the author for schools,
mother-meetings, and penny readings. This
should be called the Stiggins' Dickens."
The Standard Paris correspondent says: "The
news that the English squadron had left its
anchorage at the'entrance of the Bosphorus and
proceeded to take up moorings at Kemlik at the
bottom of the Bay of Mudania, has caused con-
siderable surprise." No doubt. Neither Turks
nor Russians, at all events, can find fault with
th is situation.
The Bible Society falls under the lash of that
wild, uncontrollable American humour which
spares neither man in its license nor society in its
force. (I believe I am 'paraphrasing somebody,
but no matter.) 'It notes that the Society reports
an "astonishing demand for Bibles among the
Cossacks, as over sixty-one thousand copies have;
been distributed within the last few weeks." It
adds, The excellent linen paper natkes the best
of gun-wadding-thus the Gospel is spread among
the Turks."
Can we believe the story of the publican who,
reading the Great Thirst Land" advertised,
went to a public-house broker to inquire if there
was a "house" to let in that district ?
The magistrates of Cheshire display the usual
intelligence of their race. They have issued an
order prohibiting dogs being at large unless
muzzled. On a case before them they have
interpreted the order: it applies, they say, to
homeless curs only." Will they say who, in their
judgment, is to muzzle the homeless and, of
course, masterless cur 2
The loss of certain Liberals is a positive gain
to the cause. The ex-Mayor of Portsmouth, Mr.
Win. Pink (who at the last election was made
chairman of the Liberal Committee of the largest

ward) is a conspicuous example of this. This
worthy having joined the Conservative ranks,
now pours forth invective on his late associates,
attributes to them all the present difficulties, and
winds up with the following ingenuous statement:
In future my vote and interest will be given for
the welfare of our Sovereign and her dominions."
As this implies that heretofore his vote and
interest were not given for the welfare of our
Sovereign and her dominions, which, it need not
be said, the Liberals have quite as much at heart
as the other side, his party have gained, not lost,
by his defection. His railing only proves that
he is not a Pink of patriotism.
At the late Trafalgar Square war-mob-meeting
Lieutenant Armit (1) proclaimed his historical
knowledge by relating how Nelson sailed through
the Channel with a broom fixed to his mast-head,
as a signal of his intention to "sweep the seas."
Perhaps it was quite in the common order of
things that the erudite lieutenant should confound
the famous broom of the Dutch Admiral Van
Tromp with the numerous "brushes" the
immortal Horatio had with the enemy.

TRADE DEPRESSION.
(A DOCKYARD VIEW.)
"Trade is depressed," I hear them cry,
I've not the slightest notion why-
Not I. As far as Isees,
Things seem as brisk as brisk can be.
Some may prefer tranquillity;
For reg'ler prosperous times give me
A good war crisis.
What ? Flax is dull and breadstuffs slow,-
Debtors abound and credit's low ;
And then most banks are rotten;
Three hundred thousand working men
Thrown on the rates ? Why, bravo, Ben !
Some cotton may be flat; but then,
Look at gun-cotton !
I hates folk's nasty grumbling ways
About hard times and rainy days :
Why don't they do as we does ?
The youngsters ain't had bite or sup ?
Whose fault is that ? Just bring them up
To serve their time with Mr. Krupp,
Or turn torpedoes.
Trade dull, indeed I I made a pot
Last week a-casting shell and shot;
And then as for cartouches,
That is a business as I calls
Almost as good as his who 'bawls
"By Jingo songs in mu-ic-halls
Against the Rooshies. :. ."' .
Ay, all of yer who plough, and rake,
And reap, and sweep, and L.r.-w, and bake,
Why not give up si-h trifle, ?
Leave all yer looms, ye-r hip., y: r mines,
And come where business never pine--
Make things as kill and m im. My line's
Greek fire and rifles.

NEWS OF THE N'EWr-
ZEALANDER.
,it is the year of grace 1978, and Macaulay's
Meitw-Zealander, having finished his skoteh of St.
Paul's from the broken arch of Londqn Bridge,
'is-paddling himself up stream (in histd r canoe)
'o hat&e'a look at the mighty fragmenta f Wilson's
INeedle, which, according to his ilia s$--Mari is
the -iJ array of his native land-are'6. be found
higher up the river's banks.
Fastening his craft to the 'rok.-i s-haft of a
column, he lightly jumps ashore, hammer in hand,
to chip off a fragment of the ruined obelisk.
'eep.'Zealander though he be, he has the instincts
of A;gentleman, and he pauses. It has occurred
-toj'him that he is about to commit. an action at
'Sb" chip and nasty." ..--.. i
But his enterprise was not all in vsen.
As' he turns to leave the spot hid antipodean
gaze falls on a curious relic-a fragment of an
.,namc-lled icon p al.ra. undoubted remains of a
"ed L,.ndon "' WiLh or gigantic poster.
A cl.:ler exam i.n of the relic proves
satrisactory. for withcv-r-y little trouble the New-
Zealander is able to :ick out in the most promi-
nent line.the lttecs, .,
'-- '1UR B'YS;
whilst at the top -of the board he deciphers as
follows ,
7.1 ':.,1.F'- I,'bh NIG*T.
Intent on further scrutiny, he does not notice the
approach of another tourist until he is patted on
"the bifk iflAhfllRtwith a "Well, Raritonga,
more antiquarian remains-eh ?" from a pleasing-
looking Crim Tartar i1n a tweed suit.
Oh. I'm so glad you've come, Genghis Khan,"
he returns.
"See. here is a relic .of the old Cockney race.
Escaped somehow, when the Chinese sacked the
city in 1948," said Genghis.
"How interesting I" exclaims Raritonga; I
must look up his history. But what about the
inscription, Genghis ?"
Oh, it has its history, too," replied the
other tourist; "it relates to some wonderful
Cockney play that ran for more than half a
century. Let me see-what was it called ? Our-
something. Ah, of course, Our Boys!"
Our Boys /" exclaims the New-Zealander in
an excited tone-" Our .Boys! Why, that's the
very comedy they are playing in Wellington now,
and have been playing ever since a year dating
back long before I was born."
"I saw it at Lassa twelve years ago, myself,"
says Genghis Khan.
This is a coincidence," continues Raritonga,
"I remember the story now; they were playing
it in this city for the 15,974th time, when the
Chinese carried it by coup demain."-
Of course," puts in Genghis; and the whole
company was captured in costume and shipped,

scenery, properties, and all, for China by their
captors."
And wrecked en voyage," reads Raritonga.
who has turned to the appendix in ilari, "and
brought in a passing ship to my own land thirty-
one years ago; and you must know, Genghis, it is
to be present at .the 25,000th performance that I
have booked a seat in next Tuesday's balloon."
"Really ?" ejaculated his friend. "I wonder
who was its author ?"
His name is lost in tradition," is the reply.
"But the man to whom it is generally attributed
is Lord Byron, the great comic poet."
With the same the New-Zealander takes the
arm of his Crim Tartar friend, and the two set out
on an exploring expedition, the chief object of
which is to find the remains of the gorgeous
national monument erected in Westminster Abbey
to the great Cockney Patriot Lyrist-Macder-
mott.

VOCAL VALOUR AND ITS
REWARD.
That sooner or later the Premier would fully
reward the poetical and vocal patriots to whose
united efforts his Government owes so much, was
a matter of course, and in deciding to at once re-
cognize their eminent services he is only acting
with that sagacity for which even his most
intimate enemies give him credit.
The Poet Laureateship not being at the Earl of
Beaconsfield's disposal just now, it was impossible
to give it to Mr. G. W. Hunt, the author of the
new National Anthem.
We don't want to fight, but by Jingo if we do."
In default of this, however, the Premier has
ingeniously met the difficulty by creating a new
post-that of the Cabinet Laureate. Mr. Hunt
will attend all Councils in that capacity, so as to
be in a position to supply the music-halls with new
topical verses suited to the very latest phase of
affairs.
To Mr. Macdermott, the comic vocalist, the
Government was equally indebted, and it is
matter for regret, therefore, that he should in the
first place have been offered merely a paltry
C.B.-ship. At the same time no precedent for
raising a lion continue to the peerage could be
found ; and after considerable discussion, it was
resolved to confer on him the honour of knight-
hood, and the post of "Examiner of Songs, and
'Censor of Music-Halls "--another niew post created
by the Premier to pieet the exigency:
'The author of. "Here stands a post," already a'
servant ,of the Crown, is to make, his cbpice
between an Irish peerage and the reversiongf the
.edrit'rhip of the Lvnadn Gazette. Z.
.. The other authors ,and singers of patriotic
war songs whoe claims have bt.eri' submitted to
the Governmert, make a total ot twentr-nine i,'
all; and wishing to give these spirit d gentlemb
.ia reward after ith-ir own h,:-art, Lord B'aconail.
arranged with Mr. Hardy f.r the- plieinu'Of
twenty-nine ccmmi;.kns in the Malta Fgo-
cibl,-. the Cape Mounted Ride. and the two Illt
Ind;in Regime"nts, at their dip,-'safs "
Up to the pre-: nt time, however, n.t :ne o.ef
them has seen fit to accept a position that won.1l
give him sQme chance of : putting hijjvoi:f.:-r,',
patriotism to the test.-,....- .

O'DONOVAN'.S .FE-ROSSATY.
The Hero of the Osmic Acid is once more to.
the front in the New York Irish World, and it ,.
at least considerate of Mr. O'Donovan Rossa 1to
let us into the secret of our doom. England is to,
be invaded, and our constitution upset when the
Irish patriots have placed 1,000,000 dollars to the
credit of the Invasion Fund. But at present,,
after years of collecting, only 47,479 dollars are in,
hand ;' so that, if Rossa's plans remain unaltered,
we are safe for another generation or two. He-4q
not going to depend on the osmic acid alone .ir
our destruction. Dynamite, torpedoes, gun-cott6n,
aredalso being accumulated; and it woul8n1be
interesting to know whether O'Donovan Rossa
keeps them under his bed ? Our own notion :is,
however, that this 'cute patriot is having a,'finme
time of it, thanks to the dollars that tumble in fore
the "Invasion Fund;" and that, in fact, all h;6'
talk about dynamite and osmic acid is but pirt tot
his "acid.'-uous endeavours to live on his poor
fellow countrymen.

EASTERN ECHOES.
One of her Majesty's ships has gone to Galli-
poli. "Here's a Flamin'-go I" exclaim the excited
inhabitants, with unduiforce of language.
The British fleet find that the anchorage near
the Gulf of Ismid is mid-dling. That was to be
expected! -' ....
The entire province of Armyro is in revolt."
Exactly. And this was probably the order of
events. First the civilian portion ef the inhabi-
tants threw off the yoke, and then the Armyro-se.
If there is one Thesealian town more likely
than another to give..the Ottoman uncomfortable
internal symptoms, that town is undoubtedly
Sour-pi. [English pronunciation imperatively
insisted on.]

"Hear! Hear!"
Mr.- Sims Reeves, in his new song, exhorts his
hearers to "Stay at Home:" but how would he
like it if they took him at his word? .

Moor and More.
Another foreign Othello-viz., "Moritz, the
celebrated Hungarian Tragedian "-is about to
appear in England. Of his impersonation it has
been said, "the Moritz seen, the Moritz admired."
A Special effort.
Bell's Life announced last week that a" special
staff" had been organized to keep the welshers off
Croydon racecourse. Why go to the trouble to
procure a special staff p Would not any ordinary
policeman's truncheon have served for the purpose
or even an ordinary walking-stiek, provided it was
thi k enough F

[SATURDAY. MARCH 2, 1878.

AUNT TOWZER IN PARLIA-
MENT.
I'm sure, Mr. Auditor, things is in' such a
stony state of statues gwoas as is most un-
prophetable, and whether we shall bust into
warfair or patch up a piece, just like that Paris
treat, as every one knows plastered up that
Criminean War, no tongue can tell. I don't
wonder at them Lords Stratagem and Campbell a
being carious and trying to draw out that Lord
Darby just like one of them stellascopes, as if
they wanted to peer into the musty future; not
that they got any nearer, for that Lord Darby
said directly they opened their months as he should
meet 'em with the previous question, and so
they were both quite shut up and put on the shelf.
In the Commons that same night they was a-
talking about them County Boards, as I know
some of 'em are wooden enough, There was lots
of prose and cons about turnpikes, pettyfogging
sessions (where some of them madjestrates never
show no quarter), and guard 'uns, but it all
came to nothing, for every blessed amendment
was withdrawed.
Well, I thought as things couldn't be much
dullerer ; but lor, the next night was wuss, and I
don't wonder as it was called a" off" night, for
I'm sure it would ha' sent all that Job's patients
out of the House, bad as the poor creters were with
them nasty ulsters. But just as I was a-going to
take my eggsit, up jumps that Sir John Bullock
and introjuices his Ainshunt Munimeant Bill, as is
meant to preserve them relishes of iniquity from
spoiliating Iconelastics. Well," I says, "if we
bring over that old Clopatrick's needle, as nearly
got stuck in the Bey of Biscay, as I'm told is an
Eastern Polandhot, surely we ought to take care
of our own mementoes, as has been brought down
by hand from our very own fourfathers." If
something ain't done, some of them specklehating
counteractors '11 be using up them stone hinges,
or them Romish desolated pavements, just as
they've been cutting that Ceizer's campstool into
pieces, and glad I was Sir John's Bill was carried.
It's a shame as them Destructives saying as they
don't get time enough to talk, and yet monopoli-
cying all the Wednesdays like distempered dogs
in their mangers. And so I did juggle to myself
to see that Mr. Oh Donall caught in his own clap-
trap, and talk his very own measure right out of
the house "Oh," I says, "Nemosays, Nemosays !"
and there was such a laugh.
'. I thought we shouldn't be long without them
Easty'un questions a-turning up; and sure enough
when the housee met again if it wasn't to the four,
that Lord Darby a-saying as the Rushy'nn's had
said if -we didn't put any soldiers on the eJges of
the Darning-needles, they wouldn't turn rusty; so
as,'the whole question's in a Gallipot, which I
hope both sides being tied down, peace'll be well-
preserved.. Revenues oh muttons, as them French
ay;: and true enough it is, for if them Lords
didn't follow'the lead of them Commons, and
pfss that isx.'jnillions just like a flock of sheep.

MEMS ON : MEMBERS.
[BYT Ous IonTI SOCIET-JoURNALIST.]
*-The member-for': Queen'.. County is universally
beloved by s gnstituents. There will be wailing
in Erini'haie i e Dease-eased.
-'.iTe remberlorGrantham is:a paradox. While
blsei wheresoever he goes, he is also always Cust.
4f'he member for Carnarvon isibound to lie sent
up to Parliament gainn after the fe x dissolution.
':'Hughes is sec...n.l nature" to mastelectors.
The membEr for Roscommon wjl never accept the
Chiltern Handreis. When he .d tres to quit the
Commons, he wil just take Frenii leave.
The member for Peterborough ain accomplished
drawing-room juggler. Hankey-panky is his boast
and pride. ....
The member for Londonderry Counity has especial
reasons for wishing to retaiunji seaf,:a ..What would
become of him were he an out-Law ?
The member for Batb .would have just suited
Boswell's hero. Dr. Johnson. alw'sw professed to
like a good Hayter.
The member for East Essex is dissatisfied with
his position on the whole. It'issquar ivhileheis-
Round. h '
m,TIe member for West Stmw"y privately thinks
that. hbeought to I-e at the helm of the ship of
'tmte. HB:'. 'urehe .:ouid Staere her.

SONGS THAT NEVER WERE
WRITTnEN.
"I Scattered Shot,' by the author of "I
Gathered Shells.'-"
My' Sole' is in the Highows," by the author of
"My',1Heart' is in.the Highiands."
The Banks' of Lombard-street," by the author
of "The Braes' of Yarrow.'.'
Th# Tax Collector's Rag," by the author of
"The Postman's Knock." b'y"
Gri n Gooseberries," by the author of "Cherry
Ripe."
A- Pull Altogether," by the author of That
Strain Once More."

,'A New Lion's Provider.
From"Rome we read that Possession of the See
'will betaken by a Bull, and not bythe Popne per-
sonally." Surely the first time Taurus ever repre-
sented Leo! _un__rrp
Ask for their Cre,4entals.
Until Sir John Lubbock's bill has passed for the
registration of dentists, the public will have no real
security against the impostors-who swarm in that
profession, and whose occasional successes are
wholly acei-dental.

Fair is Pair.
A contemporary' abuses the "medical students
or medical roughs" who recently asserted them.
selves at the anti-vivisection meeting at Mr.
Surgeon's Tabernacle by "braying till they were
exhausted." This seems rather rough on them.
urely they might be allowed to express their feel-
ings in their own language?
Tn- RIGHT SORT OF Bl EnCE FOR AN [A.
ETTUAL BLUNDERER..--A aungle.low.

SATURDAY, MARCH 2, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

AN HISTORICAL SPECULA-
TION.
Methinks if Mr. William Tell-
He by whose hand proud Gesler fell-
Had lived in these our latter days,
The shot which gained him so much praise
Had ne'er been shot, or, if it had,
Tell Junior would have "suffered bad."
Just picture what you've often read-
The throng, the silence known as dead,
The tender child- upon whose brow
The apple has been placed but now.
First picture these. Let Fancy add,
With bended bow, the hero dad.
The shaft yet lingers on the string;
A moment more ere it takes wing.
Ah, fatal moment !. From,the crowd
Comes a remark both coarse and loud-
Some urchin who might well be tamer-
Struck by a thought, exclaims, WHOA, AIMER !"
If William's nerves could stand this cry,
He'd stronger ones than you or I.

PURIFIED PUBLICANS.
A number of the good licensed victuallers of
Berkshire have determined to co-operate with the
clergy in the stern repression of drinking. This
is quite too dreadfully virtuous of the Good
Templar Republicans, of course, but to the irre-
pressibly practical mind it suggests at once the
inconvenient question: How are they going to do
it ? With a view to relieving such practical in-
quiries, we have sent our own bibulous special to
Berkshire. He is warranted proof against public-
house Amontillado ; for him the mysteries of our
fine old crusted, one-and-six per bottle have no
perils; and these are the most important notes in
his diary:
Inn near Slough.-Ordered a glass of Burton
ale. Barman remarked : "Young man, do you
know you are in a very vicious path ? At the
root of all evil is intemperance, perishable worm,
and Burton is the most insidionsest of pitfalls.
Would you like it drawn with a head on ?"
Hotel at Eton.-Wanted Burgundy at dinner.
Waiter brought very good bottle of Beaune,
and presented me with a tract, The Drunkard's
Doom," illustrated.
Tavern near Reading.-Young lady at the bar
observed : Brandy hot ? Yes, sir. Oh, what a

shocking vice drinking is! Would you like a
little more sugar? Corrodes the intestines,
weakens the nerves, demoralizes the- Cer-
tainly-a little lemon ?
Just then the landlord called out: "Send me
up the Band of Hope Review, if it has come, and
a magnum of port."
Stayed all night. Had a bowl of punch with
the landlord, and got quite converted to teetotal
principles,

BURNAND'S PARODY.
[BY OUR CRANKIsa CRITIC.]
Dora and Diplunacy; or, a Woman of Un-
common Scents, is its title; and, by the way, what
is Dip-lunacy, Mr. B ? Is it burning a farthing
candle when you have a gallon of colza and a
Silber lamp in the house? Or is it to be so
enamoured of your morning, plunge that eight
inches of ice is no obstacle? or is it- But no
matter I
The Strand parody is a decided hit, and no
wonder ; for it is thoroughly topical, and as
smartly written as it is cleverly acted. Mrs.
Kendal's Tottenham-street heroine is capitally
Carry-or rather Doracatared, by Miss Rachel
Sanger. Merry Marius reproduces Mr. Bancroft's
high-collared and jerky Count; and his perform-
ance is good-Orloff it. Miss Lottie Venne-tures
on the r6le of the plotting Countess ; and the gay
Zicka after amusement is not dissatisfied with the
result. Undoubtedly, however, the best bit of
imitation in the parody is Mr. Penley's Baron
Stein. The "little man with the face," as they call
him in Family Ties, is to be congratulated on his
Penley-gitimate success. The other characters
are fairly well filled.
Here is a morsel of advice for the playgoer :
"If you like the 'pickle '-Diplomacy at the
Prince of Wales's-try the' sauce '-Burnand's--
at the Strand."
A Novel 1'Impetus for Trade.
Tycho Thalberg, a German naturalist, has suc-
ceeded in making silk from the common mussel
(,mytilus edulis). We have no intention of
questioning his achievement, but yet we would
suggest that it would have sounded more probable
if instead of a silk fabric from mussels, he had
obtained mussel-in-delaine."

SAWBONES DOMINANT.
The medical student contingent, which has
recently proved that it can take a vivid interest in
both political and social subjects, has drawn up
the following Rules and Regulations for Behaviour
at a Public Meeting:
If the opening remarks of the chairman do not
please you, throw Cambridge sausages about,
without feebly pausing to first explain your
pork-oi, as the French say.
Playing "war songs" on the cornet is a pro-
ceeding to be especially commended. It so greatly
promotes the harmnwy of a meeting-especially if
your fellow-students lend their voices to assist the
chorus.
Sweep down those who oppose you with the
first chair that comes handy, remembering that
"chair-hity covereth a multitude of shins "-with
bruises.
When a comrade is seized by the officious police,
endeavouring to forcibly free him from custody
should be your res-cue.
Smoke the whole time. That, after all, is but
cigarette-iquette.
Above-all, don't listen to any speaker's argu-
ments. It would be simple weakness. Recollect
instead that if you only kick up row enough,
arguments arn't-gnmcnts, and act accordingly.

WAR DIALOGUES.
A TRUE PATRIOT.
MR. TIMMERUS. Halloa You, Smartun And
in a uniform, by George !
. MR. SMARTUN. Oh yes! I've joined the 39th
Diddlesex. It's a glorious corps, my boy, Should
really throw in your lot with ours.
MR. T. Ah! What made you join ?
MR. S. These are ticklish times. Though the
Angel of Peace hovers dimly visible, the horizon is
still dark with war clouds, and so on, don't you know.
Under these circumstances it becomes every true
Englishman to take up arms in defence of British
interests.
MR. T. A noble sentiment!
MR. S. For England, home, and beauty-that's
my motto, mind you. Think, what a glorious
privilege it is to be able effectively to defend those
you love from the armed aggressor! You are
married, Timmerus ?

MR. T. (touched). I am! Smartun, you talk like
a hero of old Rome!
ME. S. Glad of it. Come, now, don the civic
warrior's livery, and women's eyes will glisten when
they rest on you, and men will point admiringly at
you, knowing that you are ready to risk your life
at any moment-to go where glory waits thee;
where bullets hurtle and sabres clash,to seek the
bubble reputation even at the Krupp guns' mouths,
and-and-and all the rest of it. Put aside all
mean and selfish considerations, and become one of
us!
Mr. T. (hesitating). Well, I-er-er-
MR. S. But there's another reason, my boy. If
you become a Volunteer, you can't be drawn for
the Militia or sent out of the country to fight, and
it ain't a little bit likely any Russians will come
over here (winking). Twig?
Mr. T. (deeply moved). Noble, patriotic creature,
you have convinced me!
[Mr. Smartun leads him off to be enrolled, and the
Northern Despot, hearing of the circumstance,
trembles in his military boots.

A CRITICAL QUESTION.
[BY A PRACTICAL READER OF DRAMATIC CRITIQUES.]
When the critic who rules us in matters dramatic
Writes up Lotty or Totty as comedy's queen,
And assures us, in terms highly-wrought and
emphatic,
"One so lovely, so gifted, has never been seen :"
Of course we concede the full right of the critic
To flatter his pet in the handsomest way ;
But granting him learning and skill analytic,
We simply are puzzled to know-Does it pay?

"Con Amore."
One would scarcely expect Mr. Bradlaugh to
regard Mr. Collette with much affection, yet in a
recent case at Bow-street we discovered a Truelove
between them.
Peoci-vi I
The Rock is to be congratulated on the election
of Cardinal Peccei to the Chair of St. Peter. We
quite envy this ultra-Protestant journal the chances
it will have for hinting at the new Pope's
" Pecei "-dilloes; and asserting his "Pecei-bility"
as opposed to pontifical infallibility.
ANOTHER LUNATIC'S IDEA FOR A SITE FOR
CLEOPATRA'S NEEDLE.-Sew-h0.

THE PRINCE OF WALES' "DIPLOMACY."

1. Mr. and Mrs. Kendal in love. Mr. Kendal: Dora-
ah, no-Madge, sweetest, we are going to be married. Ain't
it jolly p"
2. Plotters. Mrs. Bancroft (alias the Comtesse Zicka) to
Baron Stein (or Cecil): "Don't like Mrs. Kendal. You
know, when Mr. Kendal was very, very sick, I nursed him.
Now I love him; that's what's the matter with me. Mrs.
Kendal is sorry she omitted to send you an invitation to her
wedding-I will see that she sends you a letter of apology.
In it I will enclose Mr. Kendal's secret despatches. Steal
them-see ? Ha I then I shall be revenged !"
3. The wicked little Mrs. Bancroft stealeth Mr. Kendal's
despatches.
S4. It so happens that Mr. Bancr)ft (otherwise the Count
Orloff) returns from Russia, where he had been imprisoned

don't do that, Madge. Come back-come back; I love
you still."
7. Our readers will perhaps excuse us for a minute or so
until we sort up the stage things a little before piling on
next agony.
8. Mrs. Kendal comes back. Mrs. K. to Mr. K.: "You
ridiculous man, to accuse me of stealing. Shan't love you
any, any more." Kendal: Then you are a very, very
naughty, naughty party. I'm off." Mrs. Kendal: "Dearest,
don't leave me thus; I love you madly. Oh, do come back
to your own dear ickle wifee"
9. Mrs. Bancroft wears scented gloves; these lead to her
rain. For the benefit of all parties concerned Mr. Clayton
entraps the real pilferer of the despatches, and all ends
satisfactorily. ,

68 FUNNY FOLKS.

LEO XIII.
But yesterday unknown, his name a sound-
No more-in the world's ear;
And now, behold, a man half-worshipp'd, crowned
Lord.of a hemisphere ;
Ruler of myriad minds, of countless souls
That sigh for sainted Rome,
Whose many soldiers in their varied stoles
Mount guard in each man's home.
Last steersman come to take a wavering helm
In thickest of the storm,
Last ruler of a spiritual realm
Fate's edicts must transform.
Some hail him, doubtless, with grave looks;

some see
A gleam of dawning hope:
Pope doomed to raise the Papacy, or be
Himself the final Pope.,

Leo! The name is sweet; the Leos gone
Were lambs in government.
Follow them, follow him, the highest one,
Whose signal reign was spent
Not in vain striving to push back mankind
Into its babyhood,
But helping each high soul, each master mind,
To do its meed of good.

. New King, new Pope, together they assume
The Cross of Sovereignty.
Pope, grant the peace half-promised may illume
Italy, one and flee!
Withdraw the taunts, the empty thunders hurled :
Be just, be mild, be true !
Thy crown's the oldest, highest in the world-
But the most brittle, too I

THE EUROPEAN THEATRE
ROYAL.
The famous German tragedian, Herr Bismarck,
appeared" before a large and interested audience
on Tuesday last, after a protracted absence
from the stage. In conformance with a favourite
whim of his, the audience was allowed to have no
inkling in advance of the part he would assume;
and it was not, consequently, until he had actually
appeared on the scene, and commenced his
performance, that it was manifest he was not
about to play the part of Bombastes ltrioso, but
one he has assumed before with complete success,
it being, in fact, a creation of his own.
In this character-which is that of a powerful
minister actuated by cynically selfish motives to
only regard his own country's interest-he made
a deep impression, although his performance was
not received with unmixed applause, public
opinion generally approved his acting, though for
widely different reasons.
It will have been noticed that the appearance of
the great European actor has, for the time, at any
rate, spoilt the business of the great English
comedian and his troupe, who were carrying every-
thing before them-or appeared to be d6ing so-
though there is reason to believe that the
"business" was not altogether so good as it
looked. It has been rumoured, indeed, that Earl
B. Cons Field himself has threatened to terminate
his engagement forthwith; but this is not
likely to be the case, especially on the eve of the
production of the;, grand drama 1'ie Congress,
by the great International
Combination Troupe at r
Baden-Baden. I i i''

THE NATURAL-FLOWER FOLLY, :
IT WAS ALL VERY WELL FOR MAJOR FITZ WELTER TO SAYT, THANKS, MUCH.
DELIGHTED, I'M SURE !" BUT HE SUBSEQUENTLY DECLARED THAT WHAT'WITH THE
THORNS AND BRIARS AND FLOWERS THAT WOULD SBED THEIR LEAVES, HE'D BE
HANGED IF HE WOULDN'T AS SOON DANCE WITH A CONSERVATORY-WITH THE
GLASS OFF.

you had exterminated his armies-we must
formally lay claim to Egypt, Mesopotamia, the
Isle of Dogs, and Ultima Thule. Otherwise,
Prince Milan will feel compelled to obliterate
Russia from the Map of Europe."

Absit Omen!
Why does the Olympic management bring out a
new comedy which the author has so little faith in
that he calls it The Ne'er Do Weel ?

IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.
(ST. PETERSBURBG.)

HOUSE OF LORDS.
The Prince President took his seat on the
Samovar at five o'clock.
EASTERN AFFAIRS.
Prince Cynickalski gave notice that on Monday
next he would call attention to the report of

II ....IW11 __,.,:" -
DIVIDIPNG THE l < mpoed hlti
PO .__,,\ f 1 spite of the efforts of the
Ak> -:;'I English stable to rehabilitate
A Blue Book (or what- ,.. their candidate in the mar-
ever colour Russian books iket, 50 to 1 was freely offered
are) will shortly be issued ri3lY I against Manning.We ap-
by the Czar's Government pend the exact state of
under the above title. It I [--:. affairs at noon on W&dnes-
consists of letters addressed day.e
to Prince Gortschakoff by 2\
the trusty allies of Russia /ff i: 2J" 5 to 3 agst nPraehi (5 to
during the recent war; and, 'a
needless to say, the letters w0a ntiofee
were written before the ferted and
peace. Here are two or taken)
three extracts: 1000 to l agst Simeoni (no
Roumania to Russia. takers)
Why don't you mutilate With reference to the
somebody your own size, non-appearance of Man-
yah I Trying to rob us of '_ ning's name in the list it
Bessarabia, when you know \ \ 1may be stated that late on
you would have been ludi- Tuesday it was currently
crously thrashed if the in- rumoured that he was
vincible Roumanians hadn't "scratched." The result,
come to your assistance. .which was awaited with
Bessarabia, indeed I why, much excitement, tho-
we'd fight you ourselves for roughly justified the selec-
two kopecks." tion of Pecei by the public,
"Bulgaria to Russia. I for first favourite; flor, as
can't allow you to make the details of the struggle
peace without consulting me, show, after a false start, he
you know. It would be a won in a canter, "hands
gross breach of European down," as they say oa the
etiquette. Besides, you don't -- .. -a),-GEL the
seem to recognize my claims -tr-
at all. An independent
principality-bosh I (Par-. Wf s Impromptu.
don the Turkish mono- gWhen awflpp "swellsar, in
syllable.) Didn't we drive -\ sidhthapper,
te TurksfromithewantAn d when the See runs high,
the Turks from the country The Evangelicals draw near
directly you had entered The Reck-that's always
it? Didn't we feed your THE LADIES' CLUB. a"dry."
army, in return for paltry Lady Member of the Oeeam/der.-THANKS, NO, ALGERNON I DON 'T CAS FOR THE OPERA. PEER A QUIET Oh, Deer!
n troubles and a good RUBBER,. ,DROPr 1I AS YOU COME OUT, AND HAVE A CIGAR IN OUR SMOKING-ROOM, AND I'LL GIVE FOU A LIFT O ee
many bf them ? Of HOME IN THE BROUGHAM. Oor own epGIureUwiLh a
course we did.' Where delicacyur own epicrh does him in-th a
would you- have -been itout us? Why, you M ixed Dinner Parties.' Count Schouvaloffon the music-hall songs sung at of venison as "the deer departed." s
Dwouldn't hawe give eyouen abchance toby beig masske war even.A contemporary, "nder Court .News, says : present in London: and move a resolution.
-eb? So, there I: Our share ought to be Con- Captains Thompson and. Simpson, her Majesty's Count Imperativikoff then rose, according to "Stands 'India Where It -Did ?"
stantinople andt Calentta (the English will cede yacht Victoria and Albeit; abd her Majesty's ship private notice, to ask for any further information "We mean to keep our Empire in the EastI"
stantinople e only ansk Calcutta(those arEnglish will ede our terms if Hector, the goardship at Cowes, had the honour from the Government as to 'the threatened ocen- the latest "war song" declares. Well, naturally
S onl s them). e ters of being included in the Queen's dinner party on paton of Gallipoli and Czarad by the British. t would be rather difficult, wouldn't it, to move i
you don't likb them--war I" Tuesday last;" There must be a triflin"gmistake Prince GortschaEkoff immediately gb t up and i to the Westr_____ wod'ittmvet
Servia to Russia. Having boen the first to here somewhere. Ships are called melt o war, but said that several communications on the subject An IDEAFOR A WAR SONG.- he osporu
attack the urk, and having worted him-after they don't go out to dinner. had passed between the two Government3 and is not the s fo Rss.heBosphorus

Ihl

[SATURDAY, MARCH 2, 1878.

there had been a compromise. (Movement.) Yes,
he repeated, a compromise. The noblemen who
dissented to such a word probably wished war, but
he would remind them that England would make
a very awkward antagonist-(hear, hear)-and
if, with due regard to national honour, peace
could be preserved with England, he, as one who
lived through the war of 1854-5, would say, So
much the better." (Applause.) The compromise
was this : England had agreed not to land troops
at the spots which she wished our own troops to
leave unoccupied ; whilst we on our part promised
to equally refrain from their, occupation. (Hear,
hear.) It was a quid pro quo.
A Nobleman: What is our 'quid for the
passage of the British fleet through the Dar-
danelles? (Agitation.)
Prince Gortschakoff: Does it not strike the
nobleman who has just spoken that this passage
of the British fleet was itself in the nature of a
Quid" for our last Quo ?" That, at all events,
is what the Earl of Derby considers it.
Prince Fireawayski (an active member of the
war party) : Our Government is too weak. We are
being betrayed I
Prince Gortschakoff. Why is the brave prince
not at the front with our noble army ? (A laugh.)
Count Screwlooseky asked whether in case of
war with England and the capture of the Duke of
Edinburgh fighting against Russia, he would be
hanged, since he was an officer in the Russian
army.
Prince Gortschakoff refused to answer such
offensive personalities, and appealed to the House
whether the fact of the close ties of kinsmanship
between the two reigning families of Great
Britain and Russia did not in itself make the
prospect of war th6 more unlikely (Great ap-
plause.)
Count Punnidoff then rose, amidst repeated
laughter, to request leave to bring in his bill for
settling the Eastern Question, so far as it con-
cerned Russia and England. There was doubt-
less, he said, a war party in each country. In his
own, it was led by Prince Fireawayski and his
friends; whilst in England its leader, he believed,
was Captain Bedford Pim, who, he had been
told, sold oysters in the City when not in command
of his Thames steamboat. Now, he went on, we
can spare our war party very well. (Loud
laughter.) And I think, he added, England can
spare her's too. Very well, then : let these two
valiant bands be landed in the Dobrudscha, and
fight it out between them, till no one is left to tell
the story. (Much mirth.) Then the two
countries would willingly unite to pay handsome
pensions to any families left behind by the war
parties, in consideration of the ereat service they
had done-their respective lands by dying for them.
He would advise Prince Fireawayslii to telegraph
defiance to Captain Bedford Pim at once.
(Cheers.)
Leave having been given pro forma, some
routine business was run through, and the House
adjourned at 5.45.

THE PAPAL STAKES.
The interest attaching to the struggle for the
"Papal Stakes" continued up to the last; and
betting was active at the clubs up to the very eve
of the decisive heat. Sweeps, too, were freely in-
dulged in. The latest pub-
lished quotations showed
I Cardinal Pecci to be still
* ; I a firm favourite at slightly

SATURDAY, MARCH 2, 1878.]

FUN-NY FOLKS.

A "FINISHING ACADEMY."
(THE LAY OF THE SANGUINE PLAIN ONE.)
[" Madame Rachel promised to 'finish' me."-Vide
Police Report.)
I own I've not Godiva's hair,
Nor Chloe's lip of cherry tint,
Nor Ninon's skin surpassing fair,
And Trojan Helen did not squint.
But still a hope within me springs
That I may blossom forth, and be
An earthly peri lacking wings,
When Madame B. has "finished" me.
The bearded barley, ripe and tall,
My nose's ruddy glare might parch ;
Eyebrows I don't possess at all,
And if I did, they wouldn't arch.
My feet, in shoes of largest size,
In wild luxuriance wanton free ;
Perhaps they'll not offend the eyes
When Madame R. has "finished" me.
In days to come the men will kneel
And worship at my beauty's shrine ;
Male persons will grow dazed, and reel
Before a tiny glance of mine.
Should I to Ryde or Dawlish roam,
The gazers through lorgnettes will see
An aphrodite in the foam!-
When Madame R. has "finished me.

"THE RAVEN-SPRING."
What is the mot of this poetic enigma with
which the readers of the Times have been baffled
for so long ? Ever and again during the past two
years there has appeared at top of the agony
column this remarkable composition or variations
on it:
"The living draught for ever flows
Through dark of night, through shine of day;
Bright runs the sparkling water, fresh and free :
Welcome the precious drink, there drink and live."
Our first idea was that it was part of a poem of
a young poet, who failing to get any one to publish
it, meant to issue it in the Times by instalments ;
but then only one instalment has appeared, and
even the vainest of young poets would not keep on
repeating his first verse for a couple of years or so,
while he was making a second. The next obvious
suggestion was that it might be a new mineral
water ; but it is hardly likely that any advertiser
would so invoke Apollo to usher in a rival to
Appolinaris. We suspect that it is in reality a
real enigma, with a hidden meaning clear to those
to:whom it is addressed, while to others it is not A.
Poe's but a pose Raven."

AND IT WAS TRUE, TOO.
Customs' Officer.-You SAID, MADAM, THERE WAS NOTHING BUT WEARING
APPAREL HERE. NOW, THIS IS SPIRIT.
Lady.-THAT OH, NONSENSE THAT IS ONLY MY NIGHTCAP

THE COMING MAN.
The mystery is cleared up I At last we know
something of the Coming Man," concerning
whom Mr. Charles Reade has written such long
communications from Naboth's Vineyard.
Whether the author of Hard Cash was in
the Government's confidence we know not, but it
is a curious coincidence, if he be not, that Mr.
Hardy, too, has his Coming Man," who will not
be due, however, till the Army Estimates are
passed for 1878-9. For this C-- M-- is no one
more or less than the single horseman by whom it
is proposed to increase our cavalry force in the
year to come 1

We need scarcely dwell on this reassuring fact.
Here is another proof, were it wanted, of the
thorough way in which our Government realizes
0' 444 1'P..;.A-

THE SERVER PASHA STORY
IN A NUTSHELL,
The Dally, News correspondent said that Server
Pasha said what Beacousfield and Layard said.
Lord Beaconsfield said he never said what Ser-
ver Pasha said he said.
And Mr. Layard said he never said what the
correspondent said that Server Pasha said he said.
The Daily News said it never said that
Beaconsfield or Layard said what Server Pasha
said. Its correspondent only said what Server
Pasha said they said.
And now 'tis said that Server Pasha said he
never said that which the correspondent said he
said that Beaconsfield and Layard said, or that
which he himself is said to have said.
But, sad to say, Server Pasha's ousted for his
sayings.

PROVERBIAL EUPHUISMS.
(Prepared for the Use of the Aristocracy.)
No rose without the talented actor-manager of
the Vaudeville.
Much, wanting more, lost the familiar implement
of the shoemaker.
I have lived too near a wood to be frightened by
the outcries of vociferous cockneys.*
Kill two birds with fourteen pounds.
Lazy folks take the most pantomimic celebrities.
Living like a toad under an eminently scholastic
town in Middlesex.
Threatened folks live over six feet.
One swallow does not make a Babbage.
While there's life there's the member for Cam-
bridge University.
Welcome is the best "hurrah."
Fine words butter no paternal tailors.
Every Jack has his quarter of a pint.
Do not buy a pig in a playful push.
A stitch in time saves the German negative.
Every bean hath its negro.
Let sleeping dogs tell tarradiddles.
For the benefit of h-endowed and provincial-readers,.
we may explain that such outcries are called, by those
who utter them, "'owls."-DEn. '. F.

he situation. h Tnere is danger ahea 1 thinK
Mr. Gathorne Hardy. "Russia is mobilizing more
troops ; Austria is arming; Germany is prepared. To Arms.
Shall England, then, remain unmoved ? Shall Wonderful to relate, the sleepy town of Armagh
England alone fail to read the signs of the times ? has been actually roused to pass resolutions in
Never-a thousand times never I" favour of Lord Beaconsfield's spirited policy.
And so he went straight off and increased our Where, then, is a modern Virgil to sing afresh :
cavalry-by one man I "' Armagh' virumque cano,"
and all the rest of it ?
THE ARMY ESTrmATES.-Exactly; and it is
rather apt to estimate the horrors of war too THE HEIGHT OP INDIGNITY.-Cutting'"up
lightly. Turkey with a Russ-ty knife.

SOCIAL PHASES OF THE WAR-FEVER.

aIu

A NEW FEMININE CODE.
(Respectful suggestions for the consideration of the
distinguished ladies and gentlemen interested in The
Higher Education of Women.")

HENE'ER you take
a country walk,
With map and
compass be
provided;
And if Theology you
By Ewald,
-Strauss, R6nan
be guided.
S Geometry may wisely
tend
/ To graceful out.-
lines when re-
clining,
And Chemistry will
often lend
"' '-y 53T) A magic interest
to dining.
Astronomy of course you need,
For moonlight walks a useful study;
The "Thsory of Colour" read-
Especially it young and ruddy.
To "Square the Circle" in a waltz
Is worth your best consideration;
And with a train" one never halts,
If duly trained in Mensuration.
Banks and Linnaeus are a boon
At flower-shows; and for Aquatics,
As the Boat-race is coming soon,
You should just dip in Hydrostatics.
Geology the means supplies
For picnics an investigation,
And other "ics and ologies"
Build up the "Higher Education."

WAR TALK.
SCENE-A Public Dinner after the Cloth is Cleared.
TURKOPHILE. I grant that the conduct of the
Turks in the first instance must be--
BON VIVANT sippingq his sherry). -brandied.
It's infamous. Here, waiter, take this glass-
MILIT&AY .MAR. -At least five miles off..: We
could' triie ;the'enemy's'camp, and distinctlysee'-
.LiBtapA. ''-Lord Beaconsfield's policy, although
it was- .: . , ..
SCIENTIFIO STUDENT. --hermetically sealed,
and must be- ...
ARTILLERY OFFICER. -handled with caution,
lest it explodes, causing the-- .
AGITATon. -people to sing, "We don't want to
fight, but by Jingo if we do "--
PATEEFAMILIAS. -we'll get a double Income-
tax, and jollylicking too. Not onlywill our pockets
suffer, but we shall have hot-
BON VIVANT (to waiter). -brally-al-waller.
No shooer, an' a-
SCIENTIFIC STUDENT. -cigar-shaped torpedo
for the--
ARTILLERY OFFICER. -mouth of the bay.
The action is simple. Merely touch the galvanic
apparatus, and-
BEN VIVANT. -Fizz off you go. Roederer,
mind, and open-
POLITICIAN. -the port as soon as it is free from
ice. Meanwhile, if Austria has a policy, why
doesn't she de-
o N VIVANT. -claret for the next--
CHAIBMAN. toast, gentlemen; the ladies
who--
NAVAL CAPTAIN. -will be armour-clad, flush in
bows, elevated at the figure-head, and ready to go
uff at a moment's-
POLITICIAN. -notice of motion for-
THIRSTY SOUL. -iced lemonade and brandy
split--
POLITICIAN. -betwixt Bismarck and Gorts.
chakoff. When they were on the Spree, Bismarck
got very--
CITY MAN. -Tight. But an influx of sove-
reigns-
POLITICIAN. -for vacant thrones may be ex-
pected if the Ottoman--
BON VIVANT. --Port has its crust broken.
Wouldn't drink it for-
CITY MAN. -six millions, which will soon be
melted into--
MILITARY MAN. -Greece, which, once heated,
ma be used for--
NAAL CAPTAIN. -long dips. The swell was
-great, and there was a run-
CITY MAN. -on the Bank, but--
NAVAL CAPTAIN. -I hear the Grand--
POLITICIAN. -Duke leaves the Sultan, and goes
-to meet the Duchess at--
THIRSTY SOUL' (to waiter). Malt. Ah!
nothing like a draught of--*
PATERFAMILIAS. -bitter experience. But if we
show a bold front the Russians will be in-Con-
stant --
NaWSBOYS OUTSIDE. -inople! Entry of the
Roosians Speeshal editionn !
[Meeting breaks up.

A Distinction Without a Difference.
Some State papers of importance have been stolen
from the office of the Secretary of State. It is
supposed the thief saw his way to make money out
of them, and as his capture has not been recorded,
no doubt he has succeeded in his 'peculation.

Phlirtation.
"Phairest Phlora !" killed the amorous youth,
phorever dismiss your phears, and phly with one
whose phervent phancy is phixed on you alone.
Phriends-phamily-phather-phorget them, and
think only of the phelicity of the phuture Phew
phellows are so phastidious as your Pherdinand, soa
pheign not phondness if you pheel it not. ,Phorego
phrolic, and answer phinally, Phlora !" Oh,
Pherdinand, you phool !" she cooed.

FUNNY FOLKS. [SATURDAY, MARCH 2, 1878--

FACTS AND' FIGURES.'
[BY OUR OWN S 1 TISTIOIAN.]
It has been computed that since the orange season
set in last autumn 39,000 persons have "come down
whop" on pieces ofipeel in the metropolis alone.
Of these 3,201 ejaculated "Oh, law!" and the re-
mainder said something much stronger.
Within a one-milet adius from Gower-street 83 in-
valids in "quiet odgsings" (so guaranteed by the
respective landladiaghTbave succumbed to 6.German
bands, 3 clarionet-players, 200 watercress women,
50 muffin men, and npiano-organs since the first
of January last.
It is estimated.that at the 94 "Peace Demonstra.
tions held last week, 9,200 heads were cracked and
18,321 black eyes administered.
The post-cards sent through the Post Office by the
ex-Premier during last year are stated to have ex.
needed by some ounces 7 cwts. Placed edge to edge,
they would reach, according to an exact calculation,
from here to the other side of Jordan. If packed one
on another, with an hon. geantlleman's pamphlet for
1877 as a founak .heyv would form a column
eight times as h j Ieopatra's Needle.
Over 9,000,0Q.i0'3a4B' dropped in the London
streets every fiye'e j dise.s" ..i. 't.
Mr. Henry Jrt 'a ordinary stride is. on'the
average, 9ft. 6M.ii"' -ing at this rate steadIly t be

Mens.sane in corpore sano--a pure body produces
a pure mind; ergo, the use of the bath by the
members of the Conference will inevitably tend to
promote a satisfactory settlement.
"DR. JuLIus P. QUACKENBOSS
(Pn.D., H.M.B.G.)
"P.S. (Private).-If you manage this for me I
shall be happy to give you an annual ticket for my
baths."*
We have also received a host of letters from the
proprietors of castles on the Rhine, from the trades-
omen residing in 524small German towns, and from
436 hotel-keepers and 1,024 guides in Switzerland.
Each of the writers settling beyond the possibility
of a doubt that the place he recommends is the only
fitting one for the Conference. Such an important
question we cannot of course pretend to decide, and
we therefore leave it in the hands of the Great
Powers, who seem to have promised themselves a
week at Baden-Baden;.
It is unnecessary to"bbserve that we repudiated this
gentleman's attempt :to bribe us with the scorn it
deserved-ED. j.F.'

MORE RUSSIAN' BRIBERY.
That is a grave aeu'ation th6 Phare de Bos-
phore-a joe eal with Ibar the Dtily Telegraph)
the mosh Tunl iI circulation in thb world-makes
against EnglishL newspapers.

-A:.: BEAUTIFUL FOR EVER."
(Incidents in the Experience of a Professor of Enamelling.).

M11. Oh, go away, do My wife's so awfully 2. A Countess declines to be introduced to the
jealous !" (But it is his Wife Herself, Beauti Editor of Funny Folks for fear he should make
fled Out of Recognition.) her laugh, and so crack her thousand-guinea
enamel.

3. It was terrible that the Police should have
seized the Artist at that moment, and left poor
Mrs. G. like a half-cleaned picture at a shop-
door.

eminent one could leave London on Friday night
and arrive at John o'Groats on Sunday in time to
hear the church "Bells."

THE CONFERENCE.
The all-important question of the day is-Where
shall the Conference be held P Every town-big or
little-on the Continent is contending for the
honour, and the following letters, which we select
from a mass of correspondence we have received,
will show the excitement the matter is creating :
MR. THE HERR EDITOR,-Of the never-to-be-
too-much-talked-of Conferenz ich bin all-desiring-
and-ever-anxious fur it should take place hier at
Ausgethenberg. Ich babe einen grossen hotel, mit
pens und ink und paper fur den Conferenz, und
sauerkrout und oder refreshment ser good und
chepe. Mr. the Herr Editor of the Englischen
Vunny Volks will do me one grand obligationemden
to sprechen in meinen favour.
P. SMUCKENDORFF,
"Hotel Grossenschwindle."

SIa,-As the proprietor of newly-established
mineral spring baths, I venture to suggest Balmge.
wash as a very suitable place for the Conference.
The climate is remarkably salubrious; the baths
are within walking distance of the Black Forest;
while-a quality which I claim to be of inestimable
advantage for Conference purposes-Balmgewasch
is thirty miles rfdh hie nearest railway station.

4. Sarah Jane: Oh, please, 'm, here's all
my savings and I wants to be enomelled and
made nice, like Missis."

According to the Phare-which is foul in its in.
sinuations-over a million roubles have been placed
at the disposal of the Russian Cabinet for the pur-
pose of newspaper bribing, and no fewer than four.
teen English journals are, it is asserted, in Muscov
pay. If this be true, and of course it must be,
since the information comes to us from Constanti-
nople, it is not probable that Russian corruption
stops at this. We begin to see, as through a glass
darkey, why Liberal agitators agitate, and respect,
able-looking young men tear down Beaconsfield.
indited missives from Mansion House doors. We
even comprehend why our office boy always has a bad
cold when he is requested to sing Macdermott's war
song.
But does not Russian influence descend even lower
still P Why, only the other day we remarked a mere
toddler, the offspring of a neighbour, refuse a lump
of "Turkish Delight," and greedily swallow a
Russ-k. As the room was full of company at the time,
it must have been done with the deliberate intention
of biassing our minds. Before I left I pointed this
out to my neighbour, who is with the Government
heart and soul; and he has since bought a life-
preserver. If he catches Schouvaloff hanging about
his nursery, that artful dispenser of secret-service
money is to be made aware of the fact.

Please Pronounce "Straws."
In dance music the way of the wind (and of the
strings, too, for that matter) is indicated by
Straas.

A great deal of nonsense has been written, and
talked, about woman's mission, which is simply to
do as she likes. As man is too ignorant to know
why he was sent into the world, we will tell him :
To make money-for ladies to spend.
To carry parcels when we go out shopping.
To make a fool of himself to amushethe children.
To support us when we commence skating.
To book places at theatres.
To hand round ices and lemonade at parties.
To read novels and poetry to us.
To speak to the servants when they get beyond
our control.
To run out and get anything we fancy we want
on wet days.
To be snubbed when we, for a wonder, are out of
temper.
To sing seconds in duets.
To tell us what to do when we have to visit a
lawyer or a bank, or when we want to get our
dividends.e
To get the tickets, look after the luggage, settle
with porters, and engage lodgings when we go to
the sea-side.
To pay compliments, and-to marry us.

PAPERS AND PEOPLE.
The'Times-Awfully bad ones, according to
general report.
The Daily News-Believe half of it.
The Daily Telegraph-"Important business.
Don't sit up after eleven."
The World-A very wicked one, except among
our own set.
The Saturday Review-That of clerk.volunteers
released from business at one p.m.
Once a Week-Pay day. Would it were oftener !
Funny Folks-Our neighbours.

HYMEN AT A DISCOUNT!
LA bachelor bard reads in" London" that Hymen is at a
discount." He meditates thereon.]
An angel of the hearthrug sitting
Beside one must be bliss indeed,
Reading or chatting sewing, knitting;
But how if she disliked the weed ?
What rapture to behold her smiing,
To welcome home her dearest "hub;"
But could I stand the darling "riling,"
When late I came home from the club ?
How pleasant ne'er to miss a button,
To have one's hose in good repair;
But-what of washing days ?-cold mutton ?
The very thought I cannot bear.
These are the agonies that try men
When'on connubial thoughts intent;
These apprehensions discount" Hymen,
And give the bachelor content."

VARIOUS AGES.
The present age-Armour-age. The eld maid's-
Non-age. The most powerful-Lever-age. The
safest-Anchor-age (not in "Mud-any-how" Bay.)
The tailor's-Cabb-age. The young Barnacle's-
Ton'-age. Of "mean" statements-Aver-age. A
"dark" age-Umbr-age. Baby's-Cribb-age. The
commercial traveller's-Bagg-age. The railway's-
Mile-age. Every true Briton's-Cour-age. The
age all ladies hope to attain-Marri.age.

Sin-gular.
What kind of sin is actually a virtue ? Sin.
cerity.
Companion to the Lady who Lived in
a Shoe.
A contemporary states that in a house at York a
discovery of plate, valued at 1,000, has been made
in an old safe, formerly occupied by a lady named
Lloyds!
The Latest.
The "Heathen Chinee" of Miss Lydia Thomp-
son's company is now in New York. He has added
a troupe of Arabs to his "show," who are known
as "The Willie B. Edouin Arabs."

Pasha Nomenclature.
The Daily News persists in the accuracy of its
correspondent's version of what Server Pasha said
about Lord Beaconsfield's and Mir. Layard's holding
Out false hopes of British aid to Turkey. It esti-
mates that the Pasha probably said that for which
he does not now care to make himself "gravely
responsible." In other words, it would amend his
title to Time-Server Pasha.

CORRESPONDENCE.
Contributions are sent at authors' or ortistc' -,'ini n'k.
an the Editor will not be responsible for theta, or undertake
to return them.
A. C. SW*N***E.--Tom Moore was quite the reverse
f a giant; he was not a "son of Anak," but rather of
Anacreon.
LUKE RATIVE. The patron of merchants and
bankers is St. Ledger.
CONSTABLE.-You do not require a license to take up
Schiller's Robbers."
HATTER (MAD).-The cocked hats of the last century
rere arranged "according to Cocker."
J. Don-Certainly. A lawyer who s struck off" the
Lolls must turn elsewhere for his bread.
D. BRETT.-We know of no such title as "Baron
Brownecrow ;" you must be thinking of Lord Dunraven.
SCgKRELSOZWITZ.-The city of Prague was the scene
f the celebrated '. Prague-mnatic Sanction."
W. E. L*DST*.-Neither Mrs. John Wood, nor Mr.
lapleson, nor any one else at present on the boards, is
ny relation to the former Miss Ellen Tree,"
A ScoTT.-Ossian composed "a life on the OJsian
wave."

SINGER'S SEWING MACHINES
ARE MADE ONLY BY
THE SINGER MANUFACTURING COMPANY,
BBWARE OF PERSONS who use our Name "SINGER" to palm off
COUNTERFEIT MACHINES.
Every SINGER'S 'SEWING MACHINE has the Company's Name printed upon the Ann and
Impressed upon the Brass Trade-Mark Plate.
TO AVOID DECEPTION BUT ONLY AT THE OFFIOES OP
sr-I- SINGr-. MANUTACTUTI3NG COMPANY,
(Formerly I. M. SINGER & Co.)
Chief Officoe in Europe: 39, FOSTER LANE, LONDON,
BRANCH OFFICES IN LONDON DISTRICT :
147, Cheapeide, EO. I 144, Brompton Road, B.W. I Oastle St., Kingland High St.
18g, Oxford Street, W. 141, High Street, 8roydon, S8E. 81 & 83, Newington Cuuseway, B..,
1, Commercial Road, I 181, South Street, Greenwich, S.E. 1, Olarance Street, Kingston, S.W.
And 182 other Branch Offices in the United Kingdom.

CATJTIOIVN.
PURCHASE ONLY OF THOSE WHO MANUFACTURE EVERY DESCRIPTION OF

SEWING MACHINES.

(

S. DAVIS & Co.
Make all kinds, and only those are genuine that bear our Name and Medallion with Trade
Mark, "I Move with the Times." Sewing Machines supplied at Half the usual
Prices at 2s. 6d. Weekly, or 5 per cent. discount for cash.
One iaonth's Pree Trial, and Instruction Free at Own Residence.
Illustrated Lists for 1878 contain every information, post free. Our reductions also
extend to all parts, fittings, &c. Needles for Singers and others, 8d. per dozen. Shuttles
from Is. 9d, each.

TYPE SOLID SEIA.rtA''AELI Nal FOUNTJ iFiROiU is. flu. 6 -.atE .
IITs sIM x izor IT ITS -eOqMHEXNDATIOz. EVERYBODY HIS OWN PRINTER.
The want long felt for a simple and effective Printing Press
with which everybody can easily print and produce good work
has been supplied by the Newly-Patented

"MODEL" PRINTING PRESS,
Which can be worked by a child of ten years.
PRESS, INCLUDING TYPE AND ALL ACCESSORIES, FROM 5.
-S PATENTEES AND MANUFACTURERS,
C. G. SQUINTANI & Co.,
18m, LIVERPOOL STREET, LONDON, E.C.
aend for an Illustrated Pamphlet "How to Print," ontainin a
abridged History of the Art of, Printing. Instructions in Pinting
General Oatalogue of Printing Materials. Haseimoas oi TypM, M% pose
free svern stamps.

SWANBILL CORSETS

SWANBILL CORSET.-A full, deep corset, especially for ladies inclined. ....
to embonoint. The Swanbill is most effective in reducing the ,i- ,
figure and keeping the form flat, so as to enable ladies towear
the fashionable vStemdts of the day; busk, 13j inches long. i /
Price 146. 6d. Finest quality, 21s. Hand-made, 31s. 6d., -%
i 35s. 6d., and 42s With Joan of Arc Belt, 16 inches deep,
21s. and 30s. Hand mde, 42s. '
Send the size of waist wie P.O. Order on Burlington House,' I
Pwaculy, topreventi delay and inconvenience.

The excruciating pain of gout or rheumatism
is quickly relieved and cured in s few days by
that celebrated medicine,
BX.A.XR' S
GOUT AND RHEUMATIC PILLS.
They require no restraint of diet during their
ase, and are certain to prevent the disease attack-
inl any vital part.
Sold by ll hemista, at 1. lid. and IS M.
per box.

'AUTIONR. BOND'S CRYSTAL
. PALACE MARKING INK.-Nov. 26, 1877.-
"Hickisson v. Murphy." A perpetual INJUNCTION
was granted restraining defendant from using the
word" BOND Wholesale and retail dealers infringing
or disobeying the said injunction will be prosecuted.
The genuine label has the words, "Prepared by the
Daughter of the late John Bond. Works: 76, South-
gate-road, London, N." Some chemists and stationers,
for outrageous profit, deceive you. Refuse all others.
ONE SHILLING (post free, 15 stamps), the
AMERICAN POCKET TIMEPIECE (patented).
Size of an ordinary watch, strong metal case, steel
works, balanced action, enamelled dial, glass dome.
Each denotes correct time, and is warranted for two
years. Caution.-To be procured only from the under-
signed. All orders executed by return post. J. B. PIL-
LINGER, 7, Church-road, Upper Norwood, London.,

"FOR THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE."

WORLD FAMED

Is warranted to cleanse the blood from all impurities.
from whatever cause arising. For scrofula, scurvy,
skin and blood disease, its effects are marvellous. In
bottles, 2s. 6d. each, and in cases containing 6 times the
quantity, us. each, of all chemists. Sent to any
address for 30 or 132 stamps by the Proprietor, F. J.
CLARKE, Chemist, Lincoln.
RIMEL'S AROMATIC OZON-
IZER, or Natural Air Purifier, certified by Dr.
Hassall to be the most effective and agreeable disin-
fectant ever offered, is a fragrant powder, producing
in a roomby slow evaporation the refreshing and
healthy emanations of the Pine and Eucalyptus Forests.
In 4oz. tins, price Is., by post for 16 stamps. RIMMEL,
Perfumer, 96, Strand; 128, Regent-street; and 24,
Cornhill, London.
EvERY ONE should Buy our ANTI-
AXMINSTER HEARTHRUGS for the million.
Warranted suitable for every home. Length 68in.,
width 36in. Two sent anywhere on receipt of money
order, value 6s. 6d.; four for 12s. 3d.; payable to 3.
LEWIS ana CO., 9, Phillipp-street, Kingsland, London, E

JOHN TANN'S IMPORTANT NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC.
The Flaxman AU desiro s of obtaining oODI oNG o SHIRTB. ask for The Flaxman
S ER L.A NS eThe FFlaxman A ndsee that each-h* aa tab sewn inside the Yoke with the Words The Flaxman
mR E S A F E The F axn- ; Printed thereon in indelible ink. None are genuine without, and which Nadeei The plnm .
TheFlaxman THE FLAX EAN The Flaxman
C-_:_TheRaxmanIbhThe Flaxman
The Flaxman Regstsred under the New Trade Mark Reirstrntlon Act. They are made from
Tho het s substance anM duraRiltyl and ths litof them s

11, NEW GATE STREET, E.C. g Te ajman I. '-'a .^fd
Theaaumanretoai of ordoa.rastature.
The Flaxman"TO be had of all hoslers in town or country, and wholesale only of Richard White The Flaxman
___________The FlaTman a aend Ce.,iTBRrIday-BtreetE.oan
Reliance Fire Resisting Safe, 25 in. by .19 by 18, 5 5s., Carriage Free. The Flaxman anheet, whay-saree..O i
I I Cures of Asthma, Coughs, &c., by

9rAm Mr. Aldh1m, Chemi.t, Market PIsce, Wisbeach : "Several
obstinmte cases of asthma and c rughs hove been completely
cured by their use: and, indeed, their efficacy is general in
diseases of the l)ug, .# -
To singers and public speakers they are invaluable for the voice.
They taste pleasantly. Price Is. lid. per.box..

MvONE'Y L.ENT.
5 TO 500 on Personal Security;
also upon Deeds, Life Policies, Shares, Warrants,
Plate, Jewellery, Furniture, &c., with and without
Sureties, repayable by instalments or otherwise, for
terms of from one month to three years. Forms gratis.
Bills discounted. Offices, open daily, 71, Fleet-street,
E.C., and 3, Pulleni'-row, High-street, near Duncan-
street, Islington.
strt ,i -. ,,W.M BREAD. Manager.
Established 1838:

CAN BE LEARNT IN HALF AN HOUR.
The Press have been unanimous m praise of this marvellous
instrument.
This Original MUSIOAL INSTRUMENT is Unequalled for
the Beaut and Voice-like Quality of its Tone, and the ease
Lh which it can be acquired-a very little practice enabling
the performer to play operatic or other melodies. It has a
completoohromatio scale, and is thus not confined to any par-
tica ar key, but can be used with other instruments, notably
the pianoforts, to which it forms a charming accompaniment.
PRICES: No. I, s.; No. 2 3s., NO.,4s.; No. 45s.; No. 5
6s.; No.,7s. No. 7, 83s. N'Os.i and 7 specially tuned togo
with pianofore. Instruction Book, 6d. Books of Airs, is. ad.
Packed and forwarded on receipt of P.0.0O. or stamps. Orders
executed in rotation. M. BAR 80, Queen YVitorersst., London,
E.C., Sole Agent for the United ingdom.
pTEURALINE gives instant relief in
ticdonloureusr, neuralgia, sciatica, toothache,
rheumatism, gout, and all nerve and local pains.-Mr.
Edgar, Butt Lighthouse, island of Lewis, writing to Sir
James Matheson: "Mrs. Edgar cAnnot express her
thanks to Lady Matheson for the Neuraline. -t proved
the most successful remedy she had ever applied. Bhe
relief was almost instantaneous." LEATH and ROSS,
Homnopathic Chemists. 5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 8,
Veratreet, W. All Ohemiste, 1. lid. and il. d.; by
Pot, I. Sd.and 3a.
DIAV VANITY.-I will begin my
letter this week by singing the praises of a medi-
ine which has the valuable property of coring what
all the world is suffering from at this season more or
le---namely, a cold in the head. It is called "Glyka-
ine," three drops of which taken at intervals of an
hour will infallibly do away with the most obstinate of
solds.-" Talon Rouge," VantIy Fair, March 17, 1877.-
Gikaline promptly cures colds, coughs, and all dis-
orders of the mucous membrane. LEATH and ROSS
5, St. Paul's Churchyard; and 9, Vere-street, W. All
Chemists; Is. lId. and Sa. 9d.; by Pot, IL. ad. and iS.

OUT, BRUIS.E,
BURN, SPRAIN,
SORE or WOUND;
if you are afflicted
with NEURALGIA,
RHEUMATISII,
GOUT PILES VARI-
CSE VhINS,
SORE THROAT
CATARRH, SORE
EYES, or with any
HEMORRHAGE, or
other analogous con-
dition of the Flesh
and Veins, whether
Internal or External,
resort at once to the

RBSOrT TO TES UaM OF

use of "POND'S
EXTRACT," which
may be had of all
chemists, In Is. lid,
2s. Sd, 4s. 6d. 8s. 6d.
bottles Ithe larger
relatively cheaper).
This great liquid
remedy is widely
acknowledged by
physicians, chemists,
and the public to
possess more mar-
vellous curative
power than any com-
pound appliance or
other remedy what-
ever.

GREEN-ROOM AMENITIES.
Sarcastic Little Puss (to Leading Juvenile).-Dy YOU SEE THAT THE .SCHOOL
BOARD IS PUTTING A STOP TO JUVENILE AcrTIt ?
Leading Juvenile.-Y-.ES; BUT-ER-THAT DOESN'T AFFECT ME--
PUss.-OF COURSE NOT ; BUT THINK OF THE JUVENILES WHO CAN ACT !

soldare -i-d with Starch under the ples of rendering thema soluble; while rely
making them t lieeep a-d 6d tSesftile. This may be easily detectd,/osrif00"
average ; It" thm orethee time, thtrength of these Co, ,and a refeseIlag

JH THE COMIC COMPANION TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Oua Tmpu INTENT IS ALL FTO TOUn DELIGHT."-Shakespeare.

"THE FREE AND INDEPENDENT."
(After Hogarh's Print The Elcio.")
"WITH THE BRITISH FLEET ON ONE SIDE, AND THE RUSSIAN ARMY ON THE OTHER, TUTKISH DIPLOMATiSTS ARE
DOUBLE GAXE. THEY ARE OBLIGED TO TELL THE ENGLISH ONE STORY AND THE RUSSIANS ANOTHER."--tim8.

FORCED TO PLA A "'
*. ;!

No. 171.-VOL. TV.]

74, FUNNY FOLKS.

THE MAN IN THE STREET.

T HE war news of the
week is very like the
ywar news of other weeks.
K/ /- At the dose of it we
have to ask ourselves-
Have we advanced a
-pprwhole step, and, if so, in
what direction-War or
S Peace ? Those who
7 believe that Russia is
ll "only fostering delay in
WI( s order to mass her troops
S of four hundred thou-
t i sand is an ugly fact-!-
i i // of course tell us that
i apparent standing still is
a A co real progress. On the
Other hand, the minority
who sigh for peace are
placed much in thelposition of those whose
"wish is father to the) thought." Perhaps the
one most significant fact up to the time I write
is the additional "hint" to Russia afforded by
the appointment of the commanders of the Pos-
sible expeditionary army That is worthy of
Disraeli at his best. Meanwhile, how.about the
alleged secret condition between Russia and
Turkey, and what advances have we made in the
good graces of the latter ?
According to the ingenious and enterprising
.Lancet, our wives and daughters and maiden
aunts are no longer contented with taking too
much champagne at evening parties, and too much
red lavender and Eau de Cologne at home; they
now seek release from the prosiness of life by
squirting -chloral into their veins-or, as the
Lancet calls, it subcutaneous poisoning. This
will be imitated. What a thing it would be,
if when Slasher goes down to the Saturday
Scalpel, and feels absurdly good-natured because
of that capital filet Milanaise at dinner-if
he could just whip out a syringe and insert,
say, a couple of ounces of Chili vinegar into his
pen, arm. And when a man has to propose
to-morrow, rose-water into his jugular vein I Or
vitriol when one is going to meet the RivalI
A few ounces of proof spirit and a small
squirt wild do the business (or is it pleasure ?)
of drinkers in ten minutes. As for Lord Lyons,
who is to represent us at the Conference or Con-
gress, frequent subcutaneous injections of quick-
silver are the only things that can render him
subtle enough to meet Russian diplomatists, backed
by Prince Bismarck.
There is a comic side to everything. Certainly
there was to that painful scene in'the church at
Clapham, where on Sunday week the curate lost
his mental balance, and chased the affrighted con-
gregation out of the building. The building. They had just a
taste of the horror conjured up by Sydney Smith
-that of being hunted to death by wild curates I
A delightful little incident is current in con-
nection with one of our theatres. Owing to cer-
tain circumstances which I need not enter into, an
elderly clergyman, from a remote part of the
country, occupied a private-box. He was charmed
with the performance, the first he had seen for
thirty years, and equally so with the dainty little
house. And when thanking the friend who had
given him the treat, e treat, he dweltarticlarlyon on one
point which had pleased him immensely. "An
attendant came round after each act to ask if I
would take any refreshment. Now, that was so
kind---so thoughtful,1"
It has often beef said that men will in their
corporate capacity do that which asindividuals they
would scorn the nre imputation of being guilty
of. Adverting tdialhis to a friend the other day,
he made a capitajivterty "True," he said; but
in the one case yn take men itn detail, in the other
in gross." "
They tell manhyitales of the Prince of Wales,
none so incredible sethat H.R.H. could be savage
at the want of attention on the jart of a soldier
in not saluting him'tn.? The Prince is not a fool,
but a gentleman of sound common sense. Saluting
is a custom invented by noodles for the gratifica-
tion of cads, degrading the soldier to the flunker
his uniform to livery. 'Tis like the yokel pulling
his forelock and the charity-girl bobbing to the
parish beadle. The Prince savage over such
tomfoolery. Nonsense I
Can't something be devised as "refreshment"
Sat theatres besides Neapolitai'i& and sickly cakes ?
Better the succulent whelk laudedd round'in his
native saucer, or the invigorating winkle with
accommodating pin, or cracked in the door of the
stalls as an ultimate expedient. What of the
festive trotter or that toothsome beguiler- of the
bnely hour, the denizen of Pegwell Bayr? The
"Unnameable would find no." mischief still?, for
"idle hands," did bags of shrimps .entreat
nimble! fingers to activity. Ingenuity might hit
on other luxuries ; anything to vary the stratified
slab of geological aspect and repulsiveness.
Sir Emilius Bayley, in distributing the prizes at
the Female School of Art, touched upon a
dangerous subject-that of ladies'bonnets. Besides
advancing the revolutionary ,p inion thatthe did,
not see ihy,' wheh a lady f bonnet b~eicjg
her, ohe should not go on weabixgit, hequoted.the
story of a husband who, havili accompanied. li
wife, to a milliner's, and asetained..that she I
was quite satisfied with the choicbf a bonnet-
told Wer she could not do better than order ad
at once. I This anecdote is incomplete. I am in a
positioirto add that not only did the lady at once
close with the offer, but that the husband never
tried the experiment a second time.
Yet another big beer chronicle-making the
eighty-ninth gazette devoted to the interests of
the vat. This is to be called the Caterer, and
Befreshment, Contracfor's Gazette. The an-
nouncement' conjures up in office striwn with
ailway pork-pies and sandwiches (for review),

coffee-house coffee, the fossil Bath bun of the
pastrycook's counter, and the eating-house sherry
(with the author's compliments). I see doomed
wretches, who might be Archibald Forbeses, and
whom the trade journal Juggernaut has crushed,
wandering from hotel smoking-rooms; where the
cigars are alien as to price and British as to leaf and
manufacture; to haunts where the fried fish of
the proletariat is hissing and emitting oleaginous
odours; thence to the brand new West-end club,
where the champagne is Saumur, and Jews offer
to do bills for you in the billiard-room. And
already there are several rivals in the field-or at-
the bar-among which we may name themay name the Eel-Pie
Express, a journal devoted to the feeling art; the
Almond Bock, which will contain a much sweeter
kernel than the other Rotk; the Barmaid, a
journal of society, wvith acrostics ; and the Weekly
Whelk, with which is amalgamated the Ginger-
Beer Gua'rdian.

MOTHER REDCAP.
[I must not omit to record the first appearance in
public of a real Liberty Cap on a lady's head. The
event occurred at St. George's Hall. The bold lady was
very plainly dressed indeed, and wore, if I remember
aright, a sealskin jacket; but on her bead was an exact
reproduction of the Phrygian cap, in scarlet silk '"-
Liverpool Courier.]
What! lovely woman, you who erst
Scorned Rads who sap our social bases,
Must we believe you are the first
To flaunt that emblem in our faces
Your Tory faith, we bet upon its
Strength-our faith was deep and huge;
We always liked your taste in bonnets,
Until your bonnets took to rouge!
Were there no lilies for your brow,
No dahlias for your dusky tresses,
That on your forehead you must show
This headsman's model of head-dresses?
What Communistic Wsrth has taught you
To wear the colour Marat shed?
We've known you Blue-and Green we've thought
yon-
Butwho'd have dreamt you could be Red?
Did not your Wattean hats, your veils,
Your wreaths, do ample execution?
You reigned by setting caps at males,
Why this mob-cap of revolution ?
Why take, though novelty's inviting,
Though love of change within you dwells,
A cap like this, on which we're writing-
A cap that's often seen with belles!

HYDE PARK.
(AS THE NEXT GENERATION WILL ENJOY IT.)
Marble Arch, which would be a very fine struc-
ture if Mr. Stiggins of Bermondsey had not
erected soap-boiling'under it, gives admittance to
one of te of thehief lungs of London-at least, that is
what the Daily Telegraph used to call it twenty
years ago. The attacks of pulmonary consump-
tion to which London became a prey at that time
(attacks of proprietary presumption some people
called them) have slightly wasted the lung, but
still a lot remains. Skirting the back garden of
Lord M'Grab, some twenty acres cut out of that
portion of the park whichwas: known as Rotten
Row, we come upon what .is really the people's
playground, and the proud heritage of London
citizens. It' is seventeen yards .square, and con-
tains a laburnum bush,. to 'which the Marquis of
Middlesex, the Honourable. Mrs. Screw, and
Dives de Wrathchild, Esq., have unsuccessfully
laid claim. The New Commons Inclosures Com-
mittee made a gallant stand against the threatened
encroachment, and the people can now disport
themselves under the shadow of that laburnum
bush-if Sir Pettigrew Pynch will allow them to
get to t through his vinery-which was formerly
the Lady's Mile.
The aiident Reformers' Tree may be seen by
permission of Mr. Smith,'of Wapping, who has
built an'arbour round it, and turned the stump
int6'a rustic table, where Mrs. S. and the children
take tea on Sunday afternoons. Thus are the
spouting traditions of this relic kept up. The
Serpentine cannot be conveniently viewed, as it
has been appropriated by the Universal Clean
Linen Company, which somewhat impairs the
purity of the water by using it for dyeing and
bleaching purposes.
It must be a matter of congratulation for the
patriot who surveys this noble park that the
noblemen, gentry, and mercantile princes who now'
occupy it have not purchased their lands, but ob-
tained them by extending their garden railings while
nobody was looking. There may be a few Com-
munistic incendiaries who grumble at this state
of things ; but respectable Englishmen are only
too glad to give up their playgrounds and health-
reservoirs in exchange for the blessing of here-
ditary predators and shoddy aristocrats.

PAPA "FIT," NON NASCITUR,
It showed considerable foresight on the part of
the nuns of the Babin Jesu, in Spain, who always
make the robes of a new Pontiff, to prepare and
send to the Vatican three sets, suitable according
as a tall, middling, or short cardinal should be
chosen. And because Cardinal Howard and another
of his colleagues are considerably over six feet, a
uc was put in tliedlonfigest robe, to be taken out in
case one.of this'pIair was chosen. All this was very
worldly vise, and well meant, we admit; but wourid
it not have been better to have made but one set of
robes; and to have trusted to the new Pope, who-
"ever he might be, turning out to be a "fitting"
man P'

Rubiconieal.
We learn from Italy that the announcement of
the result of the election of the new Pope was an-
nduaced'in OCwsar's words.: Jacta est a-Leo !"

Finality ,
That is one of the positive young ladies of the
Power.Cobbe type who repeats Tenyson's.a" That
which we are, we are," with the clencher, "And we
cannot be-any Are-er." ...

AUNT TOWZ'ER IN PARLIA-
MENT.
What with warmongrels a-yalping in the parks
with their choler on, which they ought to be muz-
zled instead of trying to muzzle other people, the
country's in a heave and a ossalation, and instead
of them peace meetings a-throwing oil on the
bellagrunts, why, it's nothing but turmoil. I was
in hopess when I went into the housee as something
would be said to qualm all the hatchetation ; but
no, for would you believe it if the fust words as I
cheered wasthat Earl Manverse saying to the Prime
Mystery. "What's the difference," says he,
'atween a congress a a Congeress and a Conforants d" "Well,
I'm sure," I ejackleates, "what next?-a-wasting
precious time axeing rebushes when Eurup's all
in a treemour." I thought as the Prime Mystery
wouldn't notice it; but up he gits, and says he,
"Why, they're much of a muchness, though people
used think in a Congeress the statues was re
presented by sovereigns anda Conforants by penny-
potentiaries."
The next day if the Earl of War didn't want to
know all about peace, which that Lord Darby
couldn't tell him nothing, them Rush'uns a-
diplowmayzing and creepin' on all the while to
the gaol of their ambishun, which, perhaps, they'll
find'll be a cell, after all, and a dilemma, when
they're stuck on the Golden Horns.
1 was glad to hear them Commons talk about
them incidents of tacksation ; though I'm sure not
a incident did one of them Parleymen debate.
That income tacks, with its D-- sheddle a-
taxing brains as can't make both ends meat-
which they often wish they could, such a price
as it is-is a shame. But only fancy that Ken-
healey, as is member for Coventry, being sent
there when he couldn't get no one to second
him, and he was left out in the cold after he'd
broke the ice so nicely. Not that _I was sorry,
for I don't hold with windbags as is always puff-
ing theirselves.
The next night I must say as the housee showed
uncommon sense; for if it didn't pass that
Colonyall Marriages Bill. Ah, it's all very well
to boast as England is free, but wouldn't that
poor wife from the colony as had married her
sister's widower say as it was more free than
welcome if her husband could throw off the chains
of matrimony whenever he stepped in it ? Of
course she would.
I'm sure, what with being continerally pestered
with the Easty'un Questions, that poor Lord Darby
and that poor Sir Northcoat don't get no rest for
their souls. I must say as they was most unani-
mouse; for both on 'em said as they know'd
nothing about peace, and what with Lord Naphere
and Sir Garnet a-laying their heads together,
everything is vie it armies for the champaign.
Really, if things don't seem to be in quite a dead-
lock as no one can't find the key of.

PAPAL PARTICULARS,
(Not Generally Known)
The new Pontiff is an accomplished poet. He
writes, of course, in the style of Pope.
The ancient title of the Pope was "his high-
mitre-ness."
Leo IX. was a magnate of the most Leo-nine
aspect.
There was a Pope Sixtus the Fifth, but no Pope
Fiftus the Sixth.
"Pope Joans" are mere myths-so are Pope
Smiths, Browns, and Robinsons.
The army of the "Church Militant" doesn't
require Manning just at present.
Froncehi is merely a pet name for Cardinal
Franeis.
Some irreverent persons call the establishment
of the Hierarchy in Scotland "an attempt to
apply St. Peter's keys to the Scottish locks."
To be even a candidate is considered a distinc-
tion; but judging by the dissension. frequent at
Conclaves, it is certainly not "a distinction with-
out differencec"

AN A'FAIR 0' FAIR HONOUR.
[ExcLCLUSvE PARTICULARS.]
The World is mysteriously vague about the
duel that' has, gently come off at Cannes
between two,' English., ladies. We propose,
therefore, to give the details of an affair ,that
has of late given the above-mentioned some-
what prim and slow marine resort a ceaseless topic
for talk. '
It is no secret, then,.that on Tnesday week
last-there is nothing like exactness in detailU-
Lady Bryanstone, relict-of the late Sir David J.
Bryanstone, Bart., received from Mrs. Fitepiper,
understood to be the widow of an Indian official,
what she treated as the culminating affront of a
series of insults. Throughout the winter, it
seems, Mrs. Fitapiper has. lost ,no opportunity of
annoying the baronet's relict, by winning from her
at cards, copying her bonnets,.dancing with her
partners at the bals given at the English Club,
and the like.
But the last straw was inflicted on the day
above-named, when, in the presence of mutual
friends, during the perfoiaance of the artillery
band on the Place Brougham, the widow openly
asserted that Lady Bryanstone had served her
time as a milliner's apprentice, and trimmed her
. omn bonnets to this very day
'It was at one felt that apology was impossible,
and Miss McNab, who had immediately com.
municated the remarkto LadyBrystone, received
instructions to paiton Mrsnitiper at her lodg-
ings, and arrange a meethigo. Lady Bryanstone,
also, on her way to her hotel, stopped in front of
Mrs. Fitzpiper's chair, and hissed out the word
"Thing I" thus committing herself to her design
more'fully. ".,"(
The Dorcas Society established by the'English
residents unanimously adjourned its usual weekly
meeting to assist in- the preliminaries for the
host le ,meeting; and in the coue of-the day,
Mrs. Fitzpiper was waited on b tlihn lady
friends of Lad Bryaiston's, an -Ldy Bry

[SATURDAY, MARCH 9, 1878.

stone by nine friends of Mrs. Fitzpiper-all
anxious to carry and pick up the latest gossip
bearing on the case, and to offer suggestions. -
In spite of this officious meddling, however, at
eleven o'clock the next morning, the two princi-
pals, with their seconds, proceeded to the ap-
pointed spot in donkey chairs; the pistols
by mutual consent being sent round by another
route by Mrs. Fitzpiper's "buttons."
It was felt that the honour of the sex would be
best maintained by allowing no man to be present,
and the page, having put down the pistols (they
were a pair which had belonged to the late Sir
David), at a sale distance, with their muzzles
pointing towards San Juan, was sent home again.
Scarcely was he out of sight, though, when a
doubt was suddenly suggested as to whether the
weapons were loaded or not; all of the seconds
refusing to go near them if they were, or to load
them if they were not.
Lady Bryanstone, however, had been too
deeply insulted to allow this disinclination to
baulk her revenge, and herself went for the pistols,
whilst the rest of the ladies on the ground, in-
cluding Mrs. Fitzpiper, went behind a rock,
and Mrs. Flindell had hysterics.
The fact that new caps were to be seen on the
pistols was considered sufficient proof of their
being loaded, and, goaded by her seconds, Mrs.
Fitzpiper at length emerged from her shelter, and
took one of the lethal weapons gingerly with two
fingers.
Acting on a wise impulse thethe seconds also came
out and stood directly behind the two principals,
who, pistols held at arm's length, were both call-
ing vehemently for smelling salts. Failing these
they closed their eyes tight, each pulled the
trigger in her agitation, and went into violent
hysterics.
The results were not very tragic, for the pistols
had not been left loaded by the late Sir David,
though at first Miss M'Nab insisted her pet dog
was killed, whilst Mrs. Flindell positively declared
her wouiudwas: such she could not walk home,
and actually waited, leaning against a rock, till a
fly arrived to bear her away.
Latest front Cannes.-The two principals are
now sworn friends, and have arranged to get their
bonnets and dresses together through the medium
of the Exchange and Mart.

EASTERN ECHOES.
In a recent telegram from Vienna, information
is published with regard to the increase of terri-
tory which is to be conceded to Montenegro. One
port that she is to become possessed of is distinctly
Spizza-fied.
There is a little rebel island somewhere in the
Mediterranean which its .warmest admirers could
not truthfully speak of is dls-Crete.
Turkey still hold' out about giving up to the
acquisitive Muscov her ships. Perhaps the Sultan
considers that the Russians have plenty of craft
already.
They are'thinking, by Gortsehakoffian sugges-
tion, of starting the Conference on the 1st of
April. Ia this a signthat England isto be once
more fooled
If the,-highwayman of. nations-Russia, you
understand---does get hold of Roumania's Bessa-
rabia, the least those who are "up "'intheir
"Newgate Calendar "can do will be to 'call the
ceded territory Black Bess-arbia.

YE NAUTICAL! 'BALLAD
REDVIVUS,,.
Mr. Tennyson's "Revenge". (and a terrible
Revenge it is) has finally' 'set the fashion of
nautical ballad-writing. We-Are' desirous of sub-
mitting some of an entirely mcidiAtype and tone.
This is the Classico-NauticoaL i-
"-It was the Raleigh ironclad, tie sand camel
h power,o -'
She'. not faced the swells of the 'Dardanelles a
quarter of an hour, '
Before she struck upon a 'reef as for a port she
g roped, i o -
And after fitting up again she found the fleet had
sloped," &c.
Here, againis a fine example of the Musico-
Nautical:
"'Twas a jolly rainy day
When at Stamboul we did lay,*
Snot a cove knew what we wanted there;
When a chap comes up the sides
With a last week's London 'ILyd's,'
And he says 'You've got to fight the Russian bear.'
Silly-billy, niUly no,
Jolly Polly sayeth Whoa,
Her lips they are a-waiting all for we.". (And more
insanity ad.lib.) -
More touching is the Domestico.Naj'tical:
"See-usan, mine, my bride,
Oh, kee-iss me ere I speak "
Not on the larboard side, -
For my quid it' in that -cheek
And the owsprit'ata t,
The bowsprit's taut,
Rd-ember me II
The above specimens completed, set to music
(or the music-hall equivalent for 'it), sung.
criticised, and advertised on receipt of thirty
stamps, and a bludgeon for the next,.eace
meeting.
N.B.-Apply early,-t6r' the po ts'are,'.going
to tanm their attention to military subjects.
The Nautical lyric uses lay or lie as it thinks proper;
and, there being a great demand for bay and weigh
(as an anchor), It follows that lay is the popular form.

Society Reflection.
Beautyis skin deep." What an old, old notion
Moderbeauty is outside the skin altogether.

Pot versus Pan.
The Pan-Anglican Synod is going to meet as before
next door toDoulton's Pottery; but it is tobe hoped
Pot and Pan will not result in any unseemly jars.

aT Iby tae a La.er

SATURDAY, MARCH 9, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

A FAN PHANTASY.
[The almost obsolete Fan-Makers' Company is about to
hold an exhibition, and in other ways seek to revive the
fan industry in England.]
Fan-makers, prythee, bring them back ;
They're "tea-cup days" and tame, no doubt,
When ladies patched and said, "Alack,"
Played ombre and called a ball a rout;
But then they had not lost the knack
Of flirting fans about.
With feathered things of wondrous size
They tapped the knuckles of a beau;
Or hid their lovely languorous eyes,
Or beckoned to the zephyrs ;-so
They spoke, nor caused the least surprise
Some hundred years ago.
The old world, little modish tricks
With fans went fitly with guitars ;
Ladies play trombones now, like-bricks !
Pots-pourris are domestic jars;
Fans are replaced by walking-sticks,
And sometimes by cigars.
Old instruments, en deshabille
Cupids crawled up your painted side,
And, blushing to see Lovelace kneel,
The powdered dames love's picture plied.
Now-if no ogles to conceal,
We've not a blush to hide !
Aye, let the fans flirt oft and hard,
We want them though we're cold as ice;
Fan into flame'our frozen bard,
Hide shame upon the cheeks of vice ;
Fan into "Love" our Great regard,"
To Beautiful!" our "Nice!"

ENAMELLED!
(Extracts from the Diary of a Lady of Fashion of the
Nineteenth Century.)
Jan. 3. Went to Madame Jephta's. Had
four thousand pounds' worth of her Royal Pimple
Obliterator and General Perfection Producer.
Husband doesn't seem to think I'm a bit more
perfect. But then, husbands never do. Didn't
mention the price of that bottle.
Jan. 11. Horrors! Had to rush out before
breakfast in a thick veil. Nose green at the end.
Madame J. charming, only says mine's a delicate
complexion, and will take some time to finish.
Ointment for removing green at end of nose,
seven thousand pounds. Didn't mention at home
what that cold cream pot cost me.
Jan. 24. Getting on nicely till yesterday, when
I broke out into a perspiration of warts. Part of
the treatment, Madame J. says. Not a treat, any-

how. But the dear Duchess of Doublednff has
been restored, and that beautiful Countess of
Pumbernickel would actually look as if she used
cold water, if Madame J. didn't supply her
regularly with her patent Paphian Regenerative
Essence.
Feb. 10. What am I to do? And there's Fred
wanting to know what has become of last quarter's
housekeeping money. And she says I shall be
sky-blue in a fortnight if I don't have six baths
at one hundred and sixty pounds each. And I'm
beginning to look blue already. And that lotion
seems to have an extraordinary effect in the way
of making one's finger nails drop off. Oh, dear,
is this Madame J.'s idea of beauty ? because I
can see that it isn't Fred's.
Feb. 27. I've had the baths and feel better. I
had to pawn the drawing-room furniture to lay for
the last; but no matter, I've told Fred that they're
whitewashing the ceiling. I shall never get rid
of that boil on my forehead, though (it is rather
disfiguring), until I go in for the case-hardening
process, which will cost nine thousand pounds
exactly. I shall ruin poor Fred ; but what's that
in comparison with not being case-hardened ?
March 4. I wish I had known case-hardening
meant skinning. It does. It is uncomfortable.
I'm afraid it's ugly. And this time I have had
to pawn the library and bathroom furniture;
Fred can't imagine why Irdo all the whitewashing
at one time. Oh, if he only knew what kind of
whitewashing it really is.
March 5. He does. There has been a scene.
I've had to part with my wedding ring. Madame
Jephta wanted it. And my skin is dropping off
me at the rate of two square feet an hour. And
Fred has been to Madame Jephta's-and-well,
the police had to come-and the language used I
March 6. Shall not have any more restorers.
Tried cold water; all right again. Shall recom-
mend it to friends. And so cheap!

Impromptu
On Reading of the Marriage of Mr. Milestone to
Miss Speed.
The age of wonders is not ended, while stone
Unites with Speed, and Speed becomes a Milestone!

Or is the Report a Clerical Error ?
H.R.H. Prince Leopold is to enter the Church ;
his future style will therefore be His Royal and
Rev. Highness." When he becomes a bishop, it is
proposed to transfer to him his brother-in-law's title
of "The Marquis of Lawn."
SONG FOR SCOTTISH WHISKEY DRINKERS.-
"They all' Dew it."

CHARLES READE-INGS.
In his recent characteristic letter to the
Telegraph, in re his Coming Man," Mr. Reade
makes the assertion that Truth has as many
enemies as a-herring in shoal water." There, Mr.
Labouchere, you see what you're come to 1
Who are the people who talk and write mud?"
A man who pond-ers much might perhaps be
expected to write mud, and one may occasionally
talk mud out of pool-iteness.
Mr. Reade says something about collaring an
addlepate." Beware, Mr. R. If you collar an
addlepate, the chances are he will get shirty !"
We are led to believe that Mr. Reade can, on
occasion, accomplish the apparently impossible
exploit of kicking a word off the premises." The
soft word of the benevolent he usually assaults
in his slippers, but he puts on his walking-boots
when he tackles the "hard word of the spelling-
bee-ing.
Ought not those "puppy-dogs" who get "blind
drunk with moonshine to be locked up ?
Mr. Reade says that, while men in classical and
medieval times did not "' carry about the keys to
knowledge," we moderns do. It only shows how
much clef-erer we are than they were.

BELLS ON "FOLLY'S" CAP.
[BY OUR CRANKISH CRITIC.]
The Clokces season at the Folly commenced the
other Saturday; -but that did not prevent the
bright little house being packed. The Bells of
Corneville was the ostensible excuse for this state
of things; b t I fancy that the belles of the
Folly had something to do with it also.
Les Cloohes de Corneville shows one what a
deal Planq-uette can do when he decides on
utilizing himself as a sort of sounding board.
The newest composer ef opera bouffe-beg
pardon, opera-comique-has given us some very
pretty tuneful stuff in Les Cloahes; and Mr.
Henderson has apparently spent a small fortune
on the mounting-the gold mounting-of the
piece.
The artists, with unanimous propriety, go at
their work "ding-dong." Mr. Howson, in high-
waymanly scarlet and bullion lace, is the Claude
du Val-iant and sea-faring hero-a sort of
rejuvenated A" Commodore "-and he makes the
spectators hate him to a man by eventually
marrying bewildering Miss Cameron. Miss
Munroe is the peasant possessor of a couple of
ankles so shapely that she does not shrink from
inviting especial attention to them in a song. A

French-speaking pittite vulgarly alluded to this
portion of the entertainment as "real jambe;"
but he was immediately frowned down.
Mr. Hill, as the comic Bailie, loses a wig this
time, and not another article of personal up-
holstery, which I trow, sirs, you wot of, if yon
witnessed the Night of Terror. Quite the hit of
the evening, though, was scored by Mr.. Shiel
Barry, who, in spite of a severe hoarseness, which
almost deprived him of his voice-a rich Barry-
tone-made a wonderful impression by the style
in which he'" did Gaspard the Miser. And at
the end of the second act he did Gasp-'ard, and
no mistake I
I don't want to be disagreeable, but shouldn't
an opera-comique" be just a leetle tiny bit
comic ? Les Cloches tries hard to be; but Mr.
Farnie seems to have mislaid the Reecm-eipt for
making a libretto funny.

LATEST ARRIVALS AT THE
ZOO.
A Widah Bird.-Though yet neither broader nor
longer than others of the same size.
A Rhoode Bok.-Can't help being rhoode-it's the
nature of the beast.
An Umbrella Bird.-Just "put up" in its new
quarters, r
A Khur.-The only kind of khur that's exempt
from the dog tax.
AnAtak (Greenland).-And a very "fierce atak,"
too.
A Press.-Makes quite a favourable impression.
A Miriki (Southern Africa).-Should have come
from America.
An Australian Noddy.-An Antipodean noddy-ty.
A Weeper Monkey (West Indies).-The very
picture of sob-riety.
A Mohr (Central Asia).-One mohr, and that's the
last.

The "Dual" Form Again.
Good name for erudite and strong-minded ladies.
Call them "Blue "-mers.
Re-markable.
It has often been pointed out that so great is the
supremacy of the military caste in Germany, that
civilians are in a state closely resembling tutelage.
This is strikingly proved by a recent disclosure that
even the foreign ambassadors of the Empire are
treated like schoolboys-they are rewarded, that is
to say, with so many marks."
By OUR HENPECKED ONE.-Hard lines: Mar-
riage lines.".
THE MODERN ERIDGE.ixN.-Dr.Ridge's Patent
Food.

76 FUNNY FOLKS.

THE FIRST TURKISH PREMIER.
A Premier instead of a Vizier | '
Is the last move in Turkish reform; I I ,
But we doubt if his task will be easier ', l'i ,
In shielding the Porte from the storm.
'T-iS not easy to govern with nous up
To any high standard in view, ,
When a Sultan comes shutting the House up, '
And the question is-What will he do?
Will he take as his model Prince Bismarck,
Disregarding all nations beside.
And on every discussion stamp his mark,
Delighting to sneer and deride? i
Or, like cautious and timid Andrassy,
Alliances court and forego
To Beaconsfield, jaunty and gassy, I
Yet fearing the Czar as a foe?
Will he battle for Mussulman unity ,'
With the patience and pluck of Cavour,
And his master rebuke with impunity -
If he ventures to favour the Giaour ?
Will he imitate France when the German
Had her prostrate, as history tells,
And the feet of lamed Turkey place firm on
New bases, as Thiers did La Belle's ?
Unless he is equal to these things,
Or.equal to something far more,
His rule, as an Englishman sees things,
Is simply a rule to deplore.
A commonplace nobody ruling
In place of a izier-bah! -
As the first of as long march in fooling's k.
We object to this PBxIER pas..

[SATURDAY, MARCH 9, 1878.

Im -- p |those who can tip them with all the grasping
acuteness of theatrical box-keepers; engine-
drivers and stokers tossing off alcoholic drinks
in defiance. of regulations ; and trains arriving
many minutes late all along the line. They would
shudder as they watched in mimic realism
luggage trains shunting in the very nick of time,
and expresses saved from collision by the merest
fraction of space, They would pity, too, had they
but hearts of pity framed, the unfortunate pas-
sengers trying to bolt bciling tea and scalding
soup against time, and station-masters timing the
Starting bell with grim humour, so as to prevent
the possibility of a comfortable meal. They would
have a sight, too, of trains all but thrown off the
line by facing points, and farmers in gigs and
flocks of sheep all but cut down on level crossings.
They would, let us also hope, catch the reflection
Sof hopeless weariness on signalmen's faces after
Fourteen hours' duty, and the expression of blank
uncertainty with which overworked and jaded
pointsmen wake.from forbidden sleep to do their
duty.
But we have said enough. If this new ap-
paratus of electric mirrors will show all these
things to those who have the management of
railways, useful, indeed, will it be, and most
strongly do we hope it will not be confined to
French lines.

OUT AND IN-SECTS.
The arrangements for the Entomological
BExhibition are rapidly approaching completion
at the Aquarium, and for the benefit of intending

THE COMIaNG CAMPAIGN, a a exhibitors we append some of the latest regnla-
The well-known military collaborateurs, Lord No wild butterflies will be taken; all specimens
Napier of Magdala and Sir Garnet Wolseley, will of lepidobtere must have been duly "broken on
contribute a plan of the coming campaign to the theof epoptere must have been uy "broenl.on
next number of the Nineteenth Century. A t Bo)Exhibitors with beetle-brows meust leave them
large sale is anticipated fer the magazine, as aa day before the exhibition opens for classification.
copy will, of course, be presented by the Russian As to wood lice--nh lie-t.
Government to every officer in the Muscovite army. As to woodrms wll ceon ino account be received until
We are enabled to anticipate the plan. In out- thSloe worms willmade ton no account be received until
line, it is this: they are made fast.
line, it is this forces must be divided into three In consequence of the nature of the Aquarium
columns.The Britis We don'trces must.lye ow wdivided, but threat's structure, it is not thought advisable to test the
thc columns. We don't exactly know why, but that's various kinds of cricket in the building ; but this
the traditional thing in the English army. They variety will be provided in an open-air exhibition
will land at Gallipoli, of course, and one will variety will be provided in thean open-air exhibitisummeron
immediately march upon Constantinople, where it Special tanks will e provided or the cock-
will be met by the Boomerang Bushrangers' con- Special tanks will e provided for the cock-ches
tingent from Van Dieman's Land. The second rochs
colmnwill proceed to Asia, and by the time "tA LANCASTER D oTH SP A Ted R Ig AN S TERMS
gets there it is calculated Aithat the epoys from AS LANCASTER DOTH SPEAK." THE RUSSIAN TERMS.
Oude, the Burmese Artilery, and the Rangoon f1 Henr-r IV., Act I-I, so. 1
Irregulars will be on their way to meet it. Drover (to Boy). En, LAD, EANGERAXANGERIEf. (Ex O He808 OnAs.)
aem.-To take care that our Indian contingents which being interrete, meant Hi her between the eyes." Monday morning.-The whole of the Turkish
don't mistake our troops for the Russians, the Mday morning.-The
third corps will remain at Gallipoli to help the fleet is demanded, and the Sultan has consented to
fleet keep open the water-way (whatever that may Germany will take its affidavit it wouldn't have AN AD-MIRROR- ABLE SY S TEM give it up.
mean). Belgium as a gift, if France will swear it's glad to -- Monday night.-It is now said the Sultan re-
Having driven the Russians out of Asia, the get rid of Alsatia. France will swear it on a new A system is about to be introduced on a French fuses to accede to the cession of the fleet.
second corps will occupy Erzeroum, and levy a copy of the Journal Officiel, and sends a corps railway, by which, by means of a series of mirrors, Tuesday morning.-In view of the strenuous
fine of two million cowries on that barbarous city. d'armde to the frontier-where it meets a German the officials at a given spot will be able to procure opposition of the Sultan, Russia has agreed to
Cowries is not perhaps the word, but the great corps of observation. a faithful picture of at least one hundred miles of select six ironclads only, but these she will have.
thing about this plan is its Ashanteesque and England will engage not to land anywhere in their line, and what is going on throughout that I Tuesday night.-It is rumoured that the Sultan
Abyssinian originality-so we use the term. The the East, provided the Russians will leave Gal- distance, in minute but unmistakable detail. How states the six ironclads demanded shall be de-
army will then cross the Balkans-an operation lipoli and the fleet alone. Of course Russia will interesting as well as instructive such a panorama stroyed rather than handed over.
which the correspondents will have orders to -only too delighted, will prove we can easily imagine; but supposing Wednesday morning.-It is semi-officially stated
compare with those famous crossings of Hannibal And one is sending troops to Malta, and the such a revelation made on any of our own lines. Russia persists in her demand for the Turkish fleet.
and Napoleon. After stalking the Russian other torpedoes to the Bosphorns, as hard as they Fancy, for example, the electric mirrors duly Wednesday night.-At St. Petersburg it is
hordes in our approved African' fashion (the can I set in position, and a board of directors in the denied in official circles that the Turkish ironclad
Cape Police and Fiji Fen- have been asked for at all.
cibles will be excellent at Tursday morning.-The
this work), we shall bum a Russian sailors to man the

wams and take gi .er .X1 Turkish ironclads have been
mian massed at Rodosto.
chief Milan prisoner. It is "-ha ynig -Ru
umbrella for South Kensing- .1 subject of the cession of the
to - 1 I I Turkish fleet.
On entering Russia, our Friday morning. The
mediately make us masters of Sultan's ironclads is causing
the situation. It is believed (rumours of war to be pro-
that the natives here possess valent again.
some kind of rude artillery; Friday night.-No varia-
but of course a few dis- tion of the original demand
charges of blank cartridge has been made.
will effectually send them Saturday morning.- The
flying from their ridiculous Sultan consents, it is said, to
guns. It always did in the session of the fleet.
Africa. When we reach Saturday night.-h Oflcial.
the chief village, we are not It is now specifically denied
quite decided what we shall that from first to last the
do. Lord Napier is in favour questionn of the cession of
of making the crowned Bar- any part of the Turkish fleet
barian commit suicide A la has ever arisen.
Theodoros; others are for er aie
making him pay tribute like P O E R I
Coffee Kalkala. At any rate,
all are determined to raze the -EPUS
wigwams to the ground, and E UISMS,
wigwams to the ground, and For the Use of the Aristocracy.
insist on the natives em- ---.
bracing Christianity, Ill weeds grow thirty inches
As to the subsequent pen- L I wfrom heel to heel.
sions, promotions, titles, d- Little boats must keep near
corations, and ovations, 'Miss death, of the Princess's.
modesty commands a blush- It's easy to, bowl down the
ing silence. fat Folly comedian.
j / JMany hands make Ozokerit
INTERNATION Plain dealing is a Hebrew

PROMISES. f. p Sharp stomachs make short
aMonaco b i-fll,. ." gentlemen-cricketers.
mised thatitwillnot smuggle I " Set a thief to catch a
had tobacco into Italy, on 'J __ __originaldramatist."
condition the Italians abstain Pride will have a veil.
from turning all their spare THE LADIES' DUEL. Passion is ever the enemy
fapro turingo al theritory. sof a "sassiety" journal.
paupers into its territory.a (Exclusive Sketch of the Late Meeting at Cannes.) Tread n a worm and it will.
. After this satisfactory ar- work a lathe.
- rahgement, the Monaco army Terrified Second.-THERE s THERE SHEn'S FIRED BEFORE I GAVE THE WORD-I KNEW SHE WOULD !jAND NEARLY Knowledge is the member
was immediately mobilized, KILLED MY POOR DARLING FIDO! for Mayo.
and the Italian Government It's not the cowl that makes
ordered seven million torpedoes. Now suppose they were simply private in- right place for observation, it being understood It is oo the cooker of ham and eggs.
Austria iets august word that it wouldn't ividuals, what would you feel inclined to call that th company's servants are u W reeatof g ood to be merry at the place where tie
invade i under any circumstances, and it them ? company's servants are unaware of the hounds throw off. !
hopes Roumania reeprocates. Roumania does, effect of the new apparatus. What a revelation A fool may give a wise man legal advocates.
and it lovepes Ro uania reiprocates. Roumania The Antonel it would be, to be sure, to the hitherto unsuspicious Every man puts his fault on the principal daily
and it loves Austria like a brother. Austria-- The Antnelli Case. board I They would see at every station porters newspaper.
Seven hundred thousand men on a war footing. The popular inquiry in Rome now is "As t, vu risking instant dismissal by taking gratuities; e r
RoumaniaSeven hundred millions war vote. Lambert-in guards reserving seats and compartments for Russ IN URBE.-The Russians in Constantinople'

SATURDAY, MARCH 9, 1878.]

FUNNY FOLKS.

EPITHALAMIUM. ,ISir Stafford Northcote: I am surprised the
-a r o right hoaourable gentleman should question us as
of[The maoe aureae, aof Mr. Lioss nel Tennysonckr, younger son to a matter about which we cannot possibly have
of Mr. Frederick Locker and the late Lady Charlotte any official information. He should consult the
Locker, was solemnized last Thursday at Westminster Pall Mall Gazette, or Mr. Levy-Lawson.
Abbey.] --
All chimes, where'er ye ring today, ring out your THE FOLLY ON'T.
noblest notes, THE FOLLY ON'T,
Beware the cadence of the song pour'd from your 4 --,, Sitting in our stall at the Folly the other night,
Look to your rhythm, see to your rhyme; with I' we fell to thinking over the odd name of the
Look to your rhythm, see to your rhyme; with bad theatre-an unsatisfactory equivalent for the
bridegroom and with bride, F I rench Folie.
Two Master English Singers stand and hear you
side by side. This led to the reflection how many sugges-
Choisteside your quantities; parson your tive names might have been chosen which would
ahristers mind your quantities; parso n your rhyme with Folly. For instance:
accents mind; wThe Dolly-or Doll's house for beautiful
And London larks in Palace Yard see that your stage inanities."
song's refined; -stage nan ties."
Don't rend the classic air, 0 crowd, with too The Golly-devoted to negro entertainments.
uncouth a cheer- The Holly-a winter house for Christmas
The wedding party here must have. so sensitive an pieces. d
ear The Jolly-devoted to uproarious fun.
Ans this-this a marof iage morn to make a bard The Lolly-a xurious retreat for the swells to
forget ia mololl themselves sober in after dinner.
The hardest taunt, the sourest sneer that ever The oly-a still more perfect Lotus-eating
vex'd hard yet- lounge. Tennyson's gods are "propt on beds of
That sees names sweet in English ears in this old amaranth and noly."s O bviosly a letter short
fane linked fast, The Polly-the1"lively Folly, she is so
And English poets' children wed where poets rest jolly," &c.
at last! And the Tolley. But no; Mr. Toole would
We'll wish them well who love the lays that were .naturally cry O 1" at losing one of his vowels,
their lullabies, even to have a house named after him.
Wish one a Galahad entranced by Geraldine's dear
Wish the new life that now almost to literature Legal amellig.
belongs _What did Mr. Wontner mean, when in defending
High as Arthurian idyls-sweet as cheery London _Madame Rachel, he said he should be able to put a
songs! different complexion upon the case P
"TVHE BEST OF ALL GOOD COMPANY." From the States.
GOVERNMENT ANSWERS--W A A GAND INVENTION, TIS TELEPHONE NO E OUS The latest American novelty is the Silver Bill.
De fgOtit.-WHAT A GRAND INVENTION, THis TELEHOE! No imoRE HORs There is a musical ring about it which reminds
We have seen the notice paper for the next o SILENT MISERY. WITH THIS I N HAND I CAN ENJOY WHOLE EVENINGS OF. one, of the Heathen Chinee whose voice "it was
fortnight, to which gentlemen who want to know, DELIGHTFUL CONVERSATION childlike and BLAND."
you know, contribute their notes of interrogation.
As the time of even these misguided individuals is because of the toughness of the last missionary's Sir Stafford Northcote: As the Government Arma Virumque Cane.
of some small importance, we have looked over surtout ? only keeps a staff of two hundred consuls, one The Russians are evidently straining every nerve
the debates for the last month or so, and ascer- Mr. Bourke : I have seen a full account of the ambassador, and three or four dozen attaches and But it looksur as maif troopshe supply of assiblet-bodTurked meny.
stained the exact answers that will be given to matter in all the newspapers, but the Queen's dragomans in the East, it is quite impossible we was running short when a telegram from Bucharest
their questions. Government has no information on the subject. should know anything about the peae until a fort- reports that fresh Russian detachments are arriving
Sir Charles Dilke desired to know whether the Mr. E. Jenkins: Can the Chancellor of the night after the facts have appeared in the Echo. in Roumania, several of them without arms
natives of the Caribbean island Keskeamefay Exchequer inform us whether peace will be signed Mr. Gladstone: Willmy righthonourable friend
h ad recently expressed a desire to break off diplo- before the Greek Kalends or the appearance of Sir Stafford Northcote tell us whether the Govern- PERPETUAL MOTION. The search of the
matic relations with her Majesty's Government the ninety-third edition of "Ginx's Baby ?" ment has got a policy yet ? British Mediterranean Fleet for an anchorage.

THE STATE OF TRADE.
W .A2T TTIE DEPMMESSIOT SEEIUMS T=IITE. TO BE CO1Il Gr TO_

IZ --
-~--- -i~i~de

Fill

ON/HL

"His Royal Highness was shown over the largest
worngmll yesrday; All t b hands turned out to receive
him."-Exact from "Times."

2. A Sketch in Regent Street.
3. An average attendance in the Theatres.
4. Burlington House a thing of the past.

'N logic Tom did so excel
'Twere hard to find his parallel;
His tongue in proving was too
For e'en his clever comrade Dick,
Who. tho' such talent he ad-
j mired,
-& With jealousy was often fired.
Plague take it !" he exclaimed
one day,
It seems you always have your
way;
In vain with all my wits I try
To-beat you when you argufy.
No doubt you will be proving next
That Black is White, by line and text."
Tom ponder'd to himself awhile,
Then answered, with triumphant smile :
Well,. I was never beaten yet,
So these five guineas will I bet
I'll prove, as clear as noonday sun,
That Black is White!" Cried Richard, "Done!"
Quoth.Tom, "To prove I do not err,
To some good lexicon refer."
The puzzled Richard went himself
And took old Johnson from the shelf.
Now turn," his rival said, "to Bleach'-
What means that word in English speechF?"
"To whiten things by sun or air."
Ha ha !" laugh'd Tom-" I have you there !
For whence do we the term derive ?-
Sdlac. A. S. White.' "-" As I'm alive !"
Cried Dick, as with a muffled curse
He dropped the book and sought his
purse,
"Pve lost again-you're always
right- ,
For BLAC in Anglo-Saxon's WHITE?"

-THE NE'E R-DO-
WEEL.
(Rigit, Mr. Gilbert, it never will!) '
.ACT I.
wfained Wisndhill on Mr. Plockton's
SEstate.
MR. ANwsO. Here I am, fly-fishing
with a shilling roach-rod. This is I
what comes of plays being "pro.
duced under the personal direction of
theahthor."
Enter MR. PATEMAR.
M., PATEXAN. I have been dis.
charged from Mr. Flockton's service
for embezzling. Mfy character is
bad, niy personal appearance is
scoundrelly, and I have no prospects.
Give me your pretty daughter.
MR. ANSON. There is, under
S.these circumstances, a magnanimity
about your proposal that touches me.
But here comes my daughter. [Exit.
Bater Miss GERARD.
MR. PATEMAN. Be mine '
MIss GERARD. Couldn't think of
it. _
MR. PATEXAN (vindictiv0Zly).
Ha! you love Forbes Robertson.
You have written letters to him, and
have I read them. ,.
rnp-M R. FouBEs ROBERTSO \
BERrSON (to ir. Prite
man); Get you gone,< repulsive in-
dividual, or I will strike you to the
rush mats whichgrow so abundantly
around. ("Exit M1r. P.
MIsS GERAnD. My own clean.
-shaven Forbes i
MBi ROBERTSON. I cannot wed '
you, dearest. I-must marry money.
MIss GERAD (simply). Must ,'
you? Then take her and be happy. *'
Fortunate, thrice fortunate Money
Robertson (Exit, much affected. '
MR. ROBERTSON. It is Miss
Marion Terry I would wed for her
wealth; but she-I fear she loves me
only as a brother.
Enter Miss TERRY.
Miss TERRY. I do-I do, indeed! [Exit.
Enter MB. NEVILLE.
MR. NEVILLE. I am on the tramp in Dubose's
hat. The Lyceum property man let me have it at a
reduction on taking a quantity.
MR. ROBERTSON. My old'schoolfellow-in that
hat, that vulgar coat! (Aside.) If those are
remnants of his prosperous days, what a cad he
must have looked when well-dressed.
MR. NEVILLE (buttoning coat). Her parents
wouldn't let me have the girl I wanted-I drank!
(Unbuttons coat.) I gambled away my fortune at
Homherg-I drank! {Buttons coat.) I wrote for
Sthe comic papers-I drank! (Unbuttons coat.) I
swept a crossing-I drank! (Buttons coat.), I
robbed a blind .beggar of his ha'pence.-I drank!
(Unbuttons coat.) I could tell you more, but in
mercy to my las Tremaining button I will refrain.
.- [.Refrainss S.
MR., ROBERTSON. Enough! You are just the
man, by your .own account, to inake an honest,
trustworthy,' private secretary for my father, Mr.
Flockton.
MR. NEVILLE. Bless you!

Enter MR. NEVILLE.
MR. NEVILLE. Ever since I refrained from
wearing the Dubose hat I have been a changed
man.
MR. FLOCrTON. Do plead with Miss Terry for
my son. She cannot resist you with your hair done
up like that. [Exit.
MR. NEVILLE. Do I not owe-have I not
sworn-were it not base-I must do what I can !
Enter Miss TERRY.
MR. NEVILLE. Where did you get that red velvet
robe from ?
MIss TERRY. It descended to me from my sister
Ellen at the Court.
MR. NEVILLE. I thought I knew it. But pray
allow me to call your attention to a very desirable
article in husbands-Mr. Robertson.
Miss TERRY (with maidenly candour). I shall
never love him, but I worship the very ground you
tread upon.
MR. NEVILLE. Yes you would. Heroines at the
Olympic always do. [They embrace.
Enter MR. FLOCKTOa .
MR. FLOCKTON. This is not what I expected.
Ungrateful Mr. Neville, you will quit my house !
[Exit Miss Terry. Mr. Pateman is seen on
balcony.
MR. PATEMAN. It is very easy to burgle when
there is no glass in the window-frames. Just
put your hand through so, and shoot the catch
back.
[Enters, and steals bundle of Miss Gerard's
letters from bureau.
Mn. NEVILLE (coming forward). Give me those

3. Private Branch of their Own.
letters, and allow yourself to be bound hand and
foot, or I will shoot you with a pipe-case.
[Poor MJr. Pateman, wsho cannot be so cunning
as his "make-up" vaould lead you to believe,
falls a victim to this shallow device. His
ankles are pinioned, and he is allowed to
escape by hopping. He disappears in a
series of terrific bounds. Music softly byj
the band, "The PeIrfct Cure."
Enter immediately Miss TERRY and MR. FLOCKTON.
Miss TERRY. We are so frightened t
mter MB. ANsoo.
M. AwSONx. Mr. Pateman has been caught-
caught on the hop-and a love-letter from my
daughter to some villain has been found on him!
MR. NEVILLE. Of course it is one of the letters
written to Mr. Robertson; but as it is imperatively
necessary to bring 'the aet-drop down on a "situa-
tion," I will claim it.
[Claims it. Audience laugh. Tableau.

wnat iney win "vetchn."
Fatteners of stock say that for
winter food Swedess" can't possibly
be "beet."
Spring wheat" never produces
"summer flours."
The attachment of a tenant farmer
to his landlord is purely of a "pay-
rental" nature.
Reapers frequently suffer from
sunstroke. They say it is a most
sickle-y" sensation.
It is quite a mistake to suppose
that the education of farm labourers'
children is neglected; if not taught
at home, they are generally sent to
Harrow."
Some people think that by keeping
sheep in folds they. are sure to
find the wool in creases.''
It is stated that the 'most difficult
animals to fatten are papal bulls and
hydraulic rams.
It is absurd to imagine that land
becomes dear by being allowed to lie
fallow.

And nestled softly there;
While I, with sient rapture, pressed
Her lips so full and fair. n ',.
How sweetly, sof ly, came to me
STHer whisper'al w cadenza;
Oh, well I mind the night when we
Both caught az influenza I

Extraordinary Vitality.
A Glasgow newspaper, in reporting
an inquest held in that city on the
: hobody of a man who had drowned him-
4. Relies of the Fray. self, says, "It was stated that de-
ceased was no doubt a man of suicidal
tendencies, because on two previous
very early age, after one o the short Estcourt- occasions he had been charged before the magis-
ships on record. rates with a similar offence." This reminds one of
The member' for Cavan is, though he doesn't the Irishman who wouldn't swear whether his uncle
look it, great at horticulture.In other, and died from the first attack of small-pox or the second.
simpler words, he is a Big-gar.diner.
The other member for Cavan, being a hot Home
Ruler, is not by any means a Fay-vourite in the Aquatic Queries.
House. Is a sheet of water-al all like a wet blanket Pan
The member' for Exeter is so dreadfully vacil- arebeth used to-O Yet up the bed of a river ?
rating that his :arty can never depend upon him.
Every wind at blows can turn Mills. i
The member for Petersfield is idolized for his Ornithological Definitions.
genial conviviality. Jollife-ellow, you know. A Tit Bit-The early worm.
The member for Denbighshire is also a popular aheep Happineas-That of a vocal sparrow.
man. 'Tis his Wynn-some smile that does it!
The member for Radnorshire is a devotee of .Handy.
Terpsichore. You should see him in the mazy
Walsh. Stout gentlemen'swaistcoats are, it is said, tbe
The member for South Essex is likely to rise in made this season with handles on them to pun them
the profession of politics. He has the Makins of a down with.
statesman in him.
Palmam Qui Meruit Ferat. CORRESPONDENCE E
S hEtContributloeisare sent at u thors' or artists' own risk,
What! Eelskin gloves for ladies ?' Now, e natheEditorwill ne t be responsiblefor them, or undertaleo
wuon wh aont ar it le e a .rm W. E. G. (Harley-street).--No doubt that auctions were
fishynoion. : known among the Greeks. Homerwas prhape a fre
Squenter of the, hne the e p son- omer nods."
Shakespeare a la T'ow r. MAcFINGAoL .-Thelsleol St..3aISnot InStaffa'dshire.
AuntT. informs is that she has just read the Rosc s JUNIOR.-It Ia aisletahen the Ghost (in-
Bird" of Avon'slay of "Tenth N visible) hort h Bim to hsays to his com-
Whip-pooxWill,"'d was most Viola at paniour abd Echo ans Wq
bheouBin dw mtRWEik-Mercedes Is tlihe p nt Queen of Spain.
"by the touching P_?4s4ge:Isabella ithe 1-queuiand her n .ss,aChristina, is the
"A bank, my ordIAhe never doled her love;bl,,m XiFX-qnnsthe
But let conge'al nt, like a worm with 'ibunu ,Z, Pollyl" was the GrekOriginal Of
Feed on her damson cheek." Wha ,p -,,
,A i w' R forgotto attqd Hyd Parl'Ieet-
Moio Fo BAco.-Rest andrt. ln u ,.though, she says pihad made an entrde
hak"D V

Enter M. pNEVILLE end MISS TERRY. THE WAR PARTY'S MUSEUM.
MR. NEVLLS. Then I may acknowledge that
that letter was not written to me. I can't, up to This museum was opened to the. patriotic British
this instant, quite make out why I ever said it was public on the Monday succeeding the great Peace
-everything considered. demonstration in Hyde Park. Among other
Miss TERRY. Oh! Mr. Neville, I am yours curiosities it contains:
CURTAIN. Eighty-nine Bradlaugh "staves," captured from
OURSELVES. First act good-dialogue excel- as maay "marshals."
lent Second act falls off, and third t f-d alls offer The right tail of Mr. Auberon Herbert's coat, and
lent. Second act falls ff, and third act falls offer the left glass of his spectacles.
still. One cannot help wondering how Mr. Four grey hairs from Mr. Bradlaugh's head.
Gilbert, with all his stage experience, could per- [These interesting relics are all that remain of a
'petrate such a green piece as this. The wildly- handful obtained when the Iconoclastic back was
farcical hopping business in the second act was a turned.]
dreadful blow to a well-disposed audience. Actors One hundred and fifty different specimens of
and actresses worked hard with small result. Mr. Peace party hat-brims, restored for exhibition by
Anson, especially, would have made a good thing Mesars. Lincoln and Bennett.
out of Captain O'Hara if he had had a chance. M essrs. Lincoln and Bennett.
Glad to have Henry Dunbar back again. A leg of the Bradlaugh table.
Eight aluminium watches, and as many steel and
vulcanite chains, captured from the Peace party.
[Contributed by a few patriotic pickpockets, who
MEMS ON MEMBERS. had no use for them themselves.]
Several authentic "symphonies" in black and
[By Ova IDIOTIC SOCIETY-JOURNALIST.] blue, representing "eyes" administered to rosette
---wearers by gallant Turkophiles.
The member for West Norfolk has so little to say These and many other trophies may be viewed
that flippant Liberals generally speak of him as between the hours of ten and four on Mondays,
brief-Bagge. Wednesday, and Fridays. Tickets can be obtained
The member for Salford-a most dignified gen- of Lieutenant Armit, secretary of the National
tleman-is, of course, only "Charley" to his League.
intimates. *
The member for Newark is rather tedious.
People complain that he is too much given to AGRICULTURAL JOTTINGS.
E.arp-ing on a subject.
The member for North Wilts was married at a Tares have no fixed value; they generally sell for

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THE MAN IN THE STREET. The J ournalZe St. Petersboug has hit upon their liniments. They say as it's the Coale at
about as neat a way to call a political adversary Kensington as takes up so much room, which it is
an old woman sI have met trently. It says too baG, and ought to have the sack.
garded w much hope- CaptaiR Fred. naby, whilst retreating the telling it 'T u mrey Geeral s hed hav a
flness, especially if held ptherdaywithSulein Pasha sart madeapoint, Caudial ai letor if ee didn't vote for lmin
s at Berli, th Bismarck as meeting admirners, writing chaff- and then a- on to htste mperoar
hehaserin, -the br o rfgebstoob p ote topf toinghaff- I on thtohiat Emogeresh
as President. All that ingmessagesonthe Wallseof thehogesin which he Rushyer, caping him the arster of the North,
the sanugie hope from it tayed fo' the perusal of the Eussijn officers who which that speaker could bear to hear, though
g gyptist that the the same roms soon after, he's been aveing over t~ Gallippt, and stick
STreaty ofb peace to atpms, Bhis is qute a novel, way of annoyig a victorious ing to the.Turkies a Iigwhile, an b
P and that t 4ereupDn fresh p'ursuing1myh, and is certainly jijue to be pre- brought to pttle no way.
Scoiiongs ay ar freid to the llan of poisng the wells, or (Andit's ite ite s settled, too. Wh
er o e di n rr thie ut e w gallant captain with them rds d Commons a-boiling
S t to whi she did not carry this petty system of annoyance so bubbling at beingept in such a state of
s has set her hand. Stay- far as he might have done. Why did he not merian darkness as that mute and glorious Miltne
there is one other ground make apple-pie beds in all the rooms; carefully says, why it'senough to drive 'etoColone
of hope in the breast of arrange booby-traps on the .tops of the doors ; Hatch; an well it might. What with the block
Sd Biastute Englishmen : they insert gunpowder crackers amongst the wood left and the chopping andchanging, that ongere
are impressed with the in the grates; and assiduously grease every door as was to twist everything into shape, don't seem
comfortable fact that the and cupboard handle? By these means he would as if it ever would come off. First says Lord
time has come when we probably have put the Muscovite officers into a Darby, it was to be at Vinna, then at the two
ought to have Egypt-in the interests of the passion even more than by his mural chaff, whih, Bades-thogh why one shouldn't be enough
world, of course, our d1e being that of Tangible aashe wrote most probably too oh- don't know-and last of all at Berlin, which I'm
Providence to everybody all iond-and there scure to be offensive. o g t
would seem to be little doubt but that we shall n E lrae oirg resverlld eeas theo
etake it-or try to do so I This stepne will help to EA RL O .ngn I. te l through our Fleet a-
she more clearly what we mean by "Britishe E RL c thearni, needles.
interests," and give point to that other nebulous [Viscount Myddleton has proposed that the bIr oI of
hi~ase, "conditional neutrality." There would Lords extend its stings, in order that the bbgile GOT T E AS It
e a condition. Meanwhile, there are those who beers should have ample opportunities SEEMS.
dosbt whether the Congress will be held, and t bc business.] S e ota
there are a larger number still who question Weve ire a li sarkiftc.shere frspi hNew York that in the
there are a larger n umberstillt I've he cannot say if year usast 88715. slippers were presented to
whether under Bismarck's thumb it will not As truthful as it's fTtnny-s." 7,S .f all denominations, of which
foundthat it might as well-or better-not have That drones sqoeIm~1 pae b lbts, sr. ~ pairs, and 209 single slippers
been held at aoll. AnhdrN yearn 'e 't l nson ichfel R 'd to pastors in possession of
Parliament, which sooner or later regulates And idle m i eoe' l' ,y onieeg'. The highest number received by any
everything, has taken in hand St. Patrick. His Andset Qu'of. psg was 73 pairs; the lowest, half a pair,
Day is to be a statute holiday. It is only right But this @et gho i f penq peae, prese to a coal black divine stationed in the
tha. that this honour should be accorded to the original As tra el ismal Swamp district, by the only female in his
qs nt ..uiet Dyismal Swampo district, by the only female ineh
Patented of a Vermin Exterminator, the oly At whose p, tumois cease, flock
fault of which is that it is innocuous as applied t o An ere ip rt .kne, Even more mighty results, are reached in
certain human varieties, the existence of which all WhereEngland. If we could not touch the slipper total, we
true Irishm en deplore. L legislators ] ay qbeen F9 gpporouigg ytt uhomhaei r cqu1t
true Irishmen deplore. Legislators e been could, at all events, make it up with embroidered
hard on the Green Isle of late in tryingto us, it St.all it scwt: t sa.ene the world's wild war braces and braided smoking-caps.
omd orpoae n to see how a Sndy Cing At se into er, h h .. pl, But what we certainly do not possess is a
would work, andit isbut aco p'S.on to secure er, li.comniion p.pk, pore Clerical Co.-operative Slipper Society and India-
to it the anniversary of its da saint, who ,4 1how to breg' qi d clury, rubber Guild" (the Indiarubber part of the title
"sl, a a gentleman,' anm4 t e\q "s Q sl'e y e'rd, tihoellor, refers to the facththat to Ba4liit miuit it is
.ic.." -v t P customary to present waterproof bootsY, 'by inmans
Foreitems O e oe a h leA, n es% wicked, youthful IQrds! their ears of which curates and o h ra may dgLp.:.4e ofthe
grint themIri o unday l oeinew a, eIaPy t surplus offerings of their congpgat onee nhbouL
the Tioe im p"reInt. 'or m Pn, t Beq e reams of Coitmsti' i Oh's !" and cheers te beings h
,9 endcheers - hurtingbtheirofeelings. i ....

an In timaitionnennifOroFa Iqui" " "
ntatioiuaw[GlBdYA, bgent 1 h his sarca] nt wonder
decsedtato.thermgteewa udoitd"l h." no t 4rwhenwent comily u, in R ; but it is
heset.r- p m a b 'n the fi s t hae fir to a et it coqs sts, therefore,
soesiting ,withau ppciyp I q vs oif Gahad bee n tm "amruble" laud. There is un.
Ms4 f" of grazing land as
of thanks from Mr. Bancroft, or that Mith Lottie 'o d t to as he p aeli boue T'ggi6r' ......u....in.rmo o"' the sa_ .. te
Venue now uses in Dipyuae# an elegant fa h ready fr frrInIserice, .......... aon.the." "
e the fair managers of the Prince ofupo army ..... itati'Ib,
heromnendsmIy'oy'dotirareIp p, eI m eed I Isaysa; ..... Saccharine.
Wales's. Mr. Whistler, again, has net yet come "why alt these pepperations? Why these The cfto, speakingof the assertion of the Morit.
gratitude to Mr.-lollingshead for the honour done say as the ayes'll come from the volunteers ; but T be taken by Russia, in satisfaction of the chief
shisish&metyms tow un s toe o sthat of the a was qwuiteall chne r the n ext oea" "i is [a sample of the sacl of statements which
o sasse n.er. "It snhave recently appeared in that paper, and it is
efforts of dramatic caricaturists are to be thus 'em talking about them National Portraits as are essentially false.' The small amount of truth in
recSgnized, their artistic brgena e I teIther in quite a lumbar he ong Post must eessariy sem to the
Now, our artists have never spared Sir John region at Kensington, through want of elbow Fiho like a halfpennyworth of bread to this-in.
Bennett, But wherd thea i are our artists' rings ? room so as we shan't soon be able to rekopise tolerable deal of sack /

s a last an estabisned uhit; anp it s- quite a
g" p'to chronicle "the'act."-- weeklyy

Ifota JeaSXL-e.
A bean-laden Dutch acloontr having last week
beeit yfieked off the coast of Angloena, our own
mioraliqt r-gretfully numbers the loIt caigo among
the" might-bave-bean I"

To the cearent number of tle ..farimion'ioI News
tLe E4itor preeuti an addr to the pul.h., which
he commtanes by -tating, arria; is such an
ancient insitution." Qiutu o.j. It is as old as the
4ll6. In fact, come dub it one of the 'ills that flesh
is heir to. ra said, ind-.-d, that marriages are
made in Heaven-; but ii so), why on earth, do wo
want a Drt.rce'Court
Welcome, Little Strangpr.
It's all very well to announce anotherliew planet,
but wlih does not Mr. Palliser, of Pola, give us some
more explanetary detaili'of his Polar discovery
And by the way, too, if thi lucky astronomer con.
tinues to thus "-spot ".new hVaVnly'bodies, he will
be known, not as'" Paliss' thePottir," but what is
much tle same thing, Palliser th Spotter." One
word, or rather one letter, more. Of course they
will call it "v ;" for if they must use a Greek
character, surely niu" is the most appropriate.
"THa BEGINNINw OF LENT."-L.
THE LION O' THEE SEASON.-Pope Leo XIII.
FATIGUE DUTY.-Escorting a lady out shopping.
A CATER-PILLAR OF THE PERIOD.-Mr. W.
Holland.
TimE HTDR PAIr WATCHWORD POP ENGL&ND.
Arm-it I

PRO AND CON-GRESS,
[FROM OuR CONTEMPORARIES' CORRESPONDENTS.]
Berlin (Monday).
The Conference will not meet at Baden-Baden,
as at first arianged. There is to be a Cpongress in
this city, and' Prince Bismarck will certainly pre-
.sidq. Count Andrass1 refused thehonour.
S'Vienna (Mqnday).
9ne thing is certain, and that is tai. whenever
the ongref is heldPrince Bismarck will take
no' part in V.. His'Ielth will npt nrmit. It
is ed th ia n the Apsro-Hungaan chancellor
-will its c ma t
St. Petersburg (.Monday).
Prince Gortschakoff has agreed to the Cpngress
being held at Berlin, but is said to qiject to Lord
Derby being its president, as .propps.ee by the
Germnan and Austrian Governments. wishes
Prince Bismarck to be the chairman.
Paris (Monday).
England has not consented to the Congress,the'
reason assigned being the persistence of Prince
Gortschakoff in claiming to be its president.
She will join on condition that Earl Beaconsfield
be made president. France is willing to agree to
anything.
London (Monday). .
The delay in the meeting of the Congress arises
from the action of France, who, whilst professing
an indifferent attitude, will consent to no scheme
yet presented. It is decided that if the meeting
does come off, Lord Lyons will be the British re-
presentative. -Lords Beaconsfield and Derby
have specifically declined to attend.
St. Petersburg (later).
England still insists on the Congress meeting in-
London, under the presidency of the British
Premier.
Berlin (later still).
Russia wishes the Italian representative to pre-
side; an honour which has caused much satisfaction
at Rome.
Rome (latest of all).
Great indignation is felt here at the determined
attempt of Russia to keep Italy out of the Congress
altogether. She will insist on her rights.
London (the very last moment).
The Congress, according to all appearances, is
not likely to take place at all.
a

8ATUR]YAT, MARCH 16, 1878.) FUNNY FOLKS.

THE LOVE TEST.
[Humming birds are now worni on shoes.-See LeFoPllet.)
YE KNiGcTr PROTESTETH.
Lady, to me thou art so dear,
The fire within my eye should show it;
For you I'd combat without fear
A giant; and you surely know it.
I'd face an army all alone,
And fairly rout it in a trice,
For love of yon, my sweet, my own I--
SYE LAD SIisiPEBETH.
Really, you know, you're very nice !
YE KNIGHT RESUMETH.
I'd seek out drear and horrid wastes
Where lurked the lion, tiger, puma
(An Irishman would call them bastes"),
If hunting trophieswere your humour.
The lion's skin-now mark my words-
The cbbra's glistening scales should show-
YE LADY WiNDETH HYM UPPE.
Ah, well, my shoes lack humming birds,
So take a blow-pipe, dear, and go I

IRRELEVANT HOBBIES.
The present critical period has developed, as all
critical periods do develop, a social and political
bugbear, who might be known as the rider of
irrelevant hobbies. He is most prominent in
Parliament and the Press, and these are some of
the forms in which the infliction has been lately
visible to the naked-eye :
There is startling news from Rome-a Pope
dead, a King dead ; hints of important changes in
the attitude of the Church. Let us seize all the
papers in the club and revel in excitement. No ;
Brown will tranquilly begin a conversation with
us on the merits of the new Patent Self-adjusting
Caoutchouc Fire-escape and the lamentable pre-
valency of fires in the Isle of Man.
Terms of Peace Rejected by.Turkey. Mobili-
sation of Austrian troops. Excitinent in Berlin.
Landing of Lord Napier at Odessa I" .We buy
the paper with trembling, feverish fingers. We
stand in the middle of Cheapside, and risk death
to read- three, columns beginning: 1Mr.
Asterisk's Bill for the Total Abolition of Valen-
tines appeals most strongly to the better feelings
of every one who has been brought into relation
with those classes of society which, being imbued-
with that spirit 'of false sentimentality, the con-
sequences of which are disastrously perceptible
around us, and known to be lamentably ignorant
of thrift, the first principles of which should be
disseminated in every English home, be it cot or

castle, persistently and perennially disburse money,
which. should be reserved for the savings bank
and the baby's shoes, on trite trivialities of a
vulgarly ornate character, which can only suggest
to the minds of young men and maidens amorous
ideas calculated to enervate and corrupt the mind
the best balanced and the most richly stored."
"A great night at the House of Lords. Tickets
worth sixty pounds a-piece. Ultimata from
Russia, Roumania, Turkeyi Germany, and
Monaco. Split in the Cab inet. 'Beaconsfield
will speak, and so will Salisbury and Derby.
Comb very early." And this is what dfii hears:
Viscount de Tootsie proposed to institute, Col-
lege of Dentists, like that of Physiiciais, at the
expense of the State. Lord de Manley to call
attention to the disgraceful condition of the prize-
fighting industry. The Duke of Diddlecombe
called attention to the disgraceful way in which
the Post-Office is administered. His Grace had
had three postcards mislaid during the last seven
years ; and yesterday a postman actually dropped
a circular into his area, because there was nobody
at home. Earl Weshallsea would like to know
what is the present positiohi of parties in South-
Eastern Borneo, and whether Kin g-Kiddle-&-
Blink has concluded that treaty of peice with
Prince Pippin-na-Boo.
And all the time they are fghtiidg pitched
battles in Turkey, and making peace in Servia,
and massacring in Greece; _fnd preparing in
Austria, and generally ddibg dbseftely-dxciting
things all over Europe;

AT THE "(GOb j ) CRiSS."

[BYr ow R Cnh if 'iiaO.]

Melodious and pretty; th6e Golden Cross is 4
decided success, or-if tU clever composer likes
the term better-a Briill-ill success.
The simple plot goes to ffio'i how t s dripulous
village damsel may spin uit a slight Alory into
two acts, if she is only judicibusil Golden
Cross-ed in love to commence with. The popular
Julia. warbles the part of tid imaiden before-
mentioned, anid makes Gaylord aiid lady too-
su v nobs in the stalls I-with her sweet soprano ;
as her eventually happy husband, Mr. Joseph
Maas, proves himself to be a greater Maif-ter .6f
the singer's than of the actor's art. Mr. Ayniley
Cook is scarcely one of the "too many chefi
whlb proverbially "spoil the broth;" but it must
be actual Corporal punishment for him, with his
embonpoint, to play the tightly-uniformed
Sergeant.
When, on the first night, it was seen how care-

fully the little opera was put on the stage,
managerial Carl Rosa peg or two in the already
high estimation of his audience.

DOCKYARD DIVERSIONS.
[BY OU BPEoIAL .P.]
The visit of the House of Commons (more or less)
to Portsmouth Dockyard was a great event, sir;
and being fully conscious of this, I was careful to
arrive at the Victoria Station in a S .-u which
was unimpeachable. Not the veriest 6icer for
'ip ',Sjriateness could have found a flaw in my
r imofir-plate. A straw hat, white ducks-I tied,
remeuil6bring Elizabeth's famous admiral, for white
Drakes, but they were unattainable--and a reefer
(Union) Jack-et-thus was I iron-clad. In mn hand,
instead df the ordinary railwiay nbvl, I carried a
navy-Blue Book. -
Arrived at our destination, we were ifet by the
courteous Admiral-Superintendesit; anid a game of
Foley-m,-leader at once commeiced, as he showed
uis roun.
We began with the Inflexible-and here, sir, allow
ine to remark that to take one's tase in one's Inn-
flexible would b a difficult feat in wai time-and
thence passed to the Dreadnaught. It was while
we were inspecting this magnificent turret-ship
that, if I recollect rightly, a well-meaning tar in
the distance struck up, ".It's Dreadnaugnif-, but
it's nice," on a Ports-mouth-drgan.
Cdme !" presently exclaimed d fiiiihder
Brooke. "Let us inspect iy St. Vincnt a lls."
So proud, sir, was the Co wander of Bilitliia's
future ailors, that I fancy f he had bee [ stted
fie wonia late mancouvred them all d; 1t is, as
the, discriminative Laureat "ha obseri t t ture
6f Bj6 ktes to go on for eveie. .
PIijfiti -up spirit, Mr. Speaker i| o tg the
11,kftid we all stepped ddtjtdb d Gltkdn in
fNOrf d rebnling. Duing' t i sant iirter
dfit h vir which ensued, I waNs fr too bitl$ en-
aI'd iipreparing my mind for a blow-fL totake
iS. 6 note of anything; but I should It8 my
MUi impressions, be inclined to belie 2Sat if
Efsland's enemies ever require something a physick-
ing," Ie are quite iin a position to give them a
torpedose which willlie. eectual.
I can tell you that Thuniderer luncheon did not
come before it was needed. It braced our nerves,
which was absolutely necessary, considering how
terribly explosive the remainder of the prodgramme
was. Gatling guns, revolving turrets, electrical
launches, ind counte-i:hines-a dreadful invention
fbi- harassing the eneiiy's shopkeepers, as I under-
stood-wvith a running accompaniment of torpedoes,
occupied us till our departure.
In the "special" which carried us back to
London, cigars and "We don't want to fight"
were the order of the day; and, though you miy
, scarcely credit it, Sir Willie Harcourt joined in the

THE GOLDEN CROSS AND THE CARL ROSA-CRUCIANS

(AJDEDLP-ITIl.

---
-(... ..- ....... . ..

1. Colas, the Miller, and his lady-love Theresa, are a-going
to get mar-r-r.i-ed. Pretty dears I
2. Unfortunately Colas is drawn in the Conscription. His
sister Christina offers a gold cross to whomsoever will go as
Colas' ubsstitute, with a pt-ohise that 6n his return from the
r with it she ill we him. Chorus of Chicken-hearfea

chorus as heartily as anybody; indeed, so ear-splitting
was his assertion that We've got the ships," that
the engine.driver twice stopped the train unier the
impression that a rabid Obstructionist was murder.
ing Mr. Brand.

VALUELESS INFORMATION.
[BY Ona Owk LNQUrftE-WITHIUNEL.]
Mr. Henry Lee, of the Biighton Aaiturinm,
avows that single stick-leback is the most pugna-
cious fish that swims.
The Society for the Prevention. of Cruelty to
Animals will prosecute any lady who carries
torpedoes in her jacket pockets as a protection
against omnibus thieves.
When the Chancellor of the Exchequer desires
to nail his colours to the mast," he does it with
unpaid income-tacks.
If your son is habitually below hit clats-mates in
his studies, the best medicine for his complaint is
a large dose of catch-up.
Those who this year purpose growing spring
onions and rhubarb in the Sunday hat of the
beadle of Bloomsbury Church should apply at once
to the churchwardens for permission to sow.