I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges. As I have pointed out many times before, humans talk entirely too much. Sometimes, they even talk in the middle of the night. I was sound asleep, minding my own business as always…

Me: As always?

Stella: When out of the darkness came a weird voice, floating down the hall, sneaking into my sleepy ears.

Me: And you and Sweetie started barking your heads off, even after I told you all was well.

Stella: All is not well when a goofy, little voice in the night squeals, giggles, and says, “Hee, hee, hee! Let’s play!” Now I know that it was not your tiny human relative who visits. She was not here and she does not speak human languages yet. And I know that it was not a bulldog. A bulldog would never sound that silly. It was totally unbulldoggy. No self-respecting bulldog would make such a noise. Not even Sweetie.

Miss Sweetie: Hey!

Stella: No offense, honey, but admit it. You do make strange noises, even for a bulldog.

Miss Sweetie: I heard the sound first and I was the first to bark the alarm.

Stella: No, I was the first.

Miss Sweetie: No, I was the first.

Stella: No, it was me.

Me: And I came down the hall and told you both that all was well and you kept on barking at me.

Miss Sweetie: I stopped barking at you first.

Stella: No, I stopped barking at her first.

Miss Sweetie: No, I stopped first. I remember.

Stella: Are you saying my memory is not as good as yours? Are you saying that I am old?

Miss Sweetie: Mmmm. Yes. You are old, Aunt Stella.

Stella: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Me: Excuse me, please. I have an announcement. The late-night noise in question arose from an online game that I started playing on my phone when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I apologize to the whole household. I forgot to silence my phone before I went to sleep and, when I opened the app, the music and silly voice started immediately. I couldn’t silence it quickly enough. In fact, I don’t like those noises either. But I do like the game and sometimes it helps me go back to sleep. End of story.

Miss Sweetie: You couldn’t silence your phone quickly enough? You are old, Lady Human. What century were you born in?

Stella: You mean this all happened because of that little talking box you pay too much attention to all day long? And now you pay attention to it at night? Give it here, Lady Human. You do not need it that much.

Me: Nope. It’s mine.

Stella: Turn the talking box over.

Me: Nope. I’m the human. I am in charge of it.

Stella: And as you will come to admit, I am the loud barking box and I am in charge of that.

Me: No “I am Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges” announcement…

Stella: No! Lady Human, this is serious. What was that noise?

Me: Some people are shooting off fireworks. And guns. Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. It’s a big celebration day. Remember. We talked about this before.

Stella: The noises were never so loud before. This sounds like those lightning storms that crack the sky.

Me: The explosions do sound closer this year. We must have some new neighbors.

Stella; This is not neighborly! This is rude! And dangerous.

Me: Yes. A neighbor not too far away found a spent bullet on their front porch this morning.

Stella: Noooo! What if their dog had been sitting there?

Me: Or their child?

Stella: Why do humans do such things?

Me: We’ve talked about this before, too, remember? Humans are idiots. Not all of us. And not all the time. But quite a few of us a lot of the time. A few years before you came, we had a roofing contractor out and he found two bullet holes in our roof. Bullets that had fallen from the sky, probably from miles away.

Stella: Lady Human, you are not making me feel any better.

Me: Bottom line, those bullets hit our roof and we did not know a thing about it. God covered us that night. I pray that He does every night.

Stella: So we can go outside?

Me: The Great Creator does not invite us to be foolish. We will stay in tonight.

Stella: Look at Snoopey. She is the bravest among us and she is so scared right now.

Me: I will take care of Snoopey. She is coming back to my room and we will watch a movie and maybe sing a quiet song.

Stella: Hey, no fair. You are going to have a Fourth of July party without us?

Me: No, we are going to have a nice, quiet evening where nothing extraordinary happens. No fear. No harm. Happy Fourth of July, Stella.

Stella: Thank the Great Creator for me that we have a roof to cover us.

Me: Amen.

Stella: Why doesn’t the cat get scared?

Me: Cat.

Stella: Oh yeah. No fair.

He shall cover thee with His feathers, and under His wings shalt thou trust: His truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Psalm 91:4 KJV

Me: With all the storms and rain lately, there has been a lot to clean up. Chain saws, mowers, tree mulchers…

Stella: All day long. And the big rumbly truck in the alley.

Me: Trash truck. That was today, too.

Stella: I don’t like the big rumbly truck. It always wakes me up from my 2nd morning nap after my 1st morning nap, the one that comes right before breakfast and my 3rd morning nap.

Me: I’m glad for the trash truck. Otherwise, we would be hip deep in garbage in no time.

Stella: That’s because you don’t let us bulldogs eat the garbage. We could take care of it in no time.

Me: Nope. Remember Miss Sweetie and the Greasy Paper Towel Incident.

Stella: Oh, yeah. But Sweetie was young. She did not have my discriminating tastes.

Me: So today, every time there was a loud noise or big truck or machine, Snoopey barked and then dove into her leftover food.

Snoopey: Food is good. Food is every day. Food makes me feel normal.

Me: I have been a stress eater in my time as well.

Snoopey: Really, Lady Human? That makes me feel better. More normal.

Me: Stress eating is pretty common among humans. We have what we call ‘comfort foods’.

Snoopey: Like what?

Me: For my tastes – mmmm, tacos, pizza, potato chips, ice cream…

Snoopey: I will take all of those, please.

Me: I think that you had better stick with your regular food and treats.

Stella: Mmmm, treats. I’ll have two, please.

Me: Later, Stella.

Stella: Awwww.

Me: Even if you eat when you are stressed, Snoopey, you are still only eating your recommended daily food allowance. You are not overeating. I just wish that you would trust me when I tell you that everything is all right. When you hear loud noises, there is nothing to fear.

Humans, beware! A new monster is in town! It invaded our house and took Tall Man captive. Here is its description:

Its roar is a storm wind caught in a box. It is taller than me or any of the bulldogs and we were not able to stop it. Well, to be honest, we didn’t really try. Tiger is the only one who tried. She bit at it again and again. The monster paid no attention. The rest of us barked though. I thought that was brave of us, but barking only seemed to make the monster angrier. Hey, at least we didn’t run away.

The monster grabbed Tall Man’s hand and pulled him around the room, making its awful whirring scream. It had a long, black tail that got stuck in the wall. It dragged him behind the chairs and the couch, and if anything was on the floor, it sucked it in and ATE IT! Even pieces of food that we had dropped! NO!

Finally, it pulled Tall Man into the room where cars and machines live. We don’t know what happened after that. When it got dark, Tall Man reappeared. He had escaped! We were so happy! There was no sign of the loud sucking monster! He did not say so, but we bulldogs believe that he defeated the monster in battle. He is our hero! Until the next monster shows up. Then he will have to prove himself all over again.

Where are all these monsters coming from? First, giant insects. Now obnoxious, grabby, loud-mouthed monsters with wheels and forked tails. Food stealers. We dropped that food by accident. We were planning to come back for it later. Not fair!

Transcriptionist: Stella, that so-called monster was a new vacuum cleaner.

No, I have seen vacuums before. This was a monster. Just ask Tall Man. It wrestled him.

Transcriptionist: You thought he was a giant insect a few months ago. That wasn’t true either.

You are denying the monster invasion. That means only the bulldogs will be ready when they come in force.

Transcriptionist: Not everything is a monster, Stella.

Wrong! Everything is a monster until proved otherwise. That’s how bulldogs play it safe. Stay alert, humans!

Until next time, this has been

Stella, Queen of the Olde English Bulldogges, Queen of the Bulldog Monster Hunters