Diary of a Cereal Killer (thing)

February 26, 2004

7:15 am

Weird dream last night. I was skiing downhill really fast when my skis got caught in a tree root sticking out of the snow. The skis snapped off my feet, and I started rolling downhill. Snow started gathering around me as I rolled down the hill, and it kept on growing. I became the core of a snowball. I think the dream was in colour. There was something yellow (a chicken?) Then I flew off a cliff, and plummeted to my death.

"I can't find the cornflakes. Is it possible that you are out?" I asked him.
"I'm afraid that it is, sir. We are, indeed, completely out of cornflakes. "
I have eaten cornflakes every morning for 15 years. But perhaps this was a sign. Perhaps it is time for a change. "In that case, my good man," I queried, "what cereal can you offer me in their stead?"
"What do you like?"
"I don't know. All I've ever tasted is cornflakes," I truthfully answered.
His face clouded. "We've given all we have already. Go back to your spaceship and never return."
"Come off it," I told him. "Do you have something, say, chocolatey?"

Ate Cocoa Krispies for breakfast. They're chocolatey and crunchy, and they turn the milk to cocoa. But I can't help but get pissed off at the monkey on the box. What's up with that monkey?

8:22 pm

That damn monkey! What's a monkey doing on the cover of a cereal box anyway? Is it supposed to be saying, "If you eat this cereal you will be a silly monkey?" WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE MONKEY? So I asked the monkey what the deal is with him. He said "YOU'RE the monkey, monkey boy." Was it my imagination? I think not. Why would I imagine a talking monkey?

Then a conundrum struck: what shall I eat tomorrow for breakfast? The Cocoa Krispies were ever so yummy - I do not wish to go back to eating cornflakes. And yet, that damn monkey!

Huzzah! The solution has presented itself! There are lots of different cereals. I shall just have to go and get another type! Perhaps I'll get something of the nutty persuasion.

February 28, 2004

7:15 am

Weird dream last night. Dreamt I was a bee flying around happily on my way back from a flower. I figured I could carry back WAY more pollen if I had arms instead of wings. So my wings turned into arms, and I plummeted to my death.

Ate Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast. Great combination of honey and nut. Why hadn't I tried any of these cereals before?

7:07 pm

I've given this some thought, and this is what it comes down to:

The facts:

On the cover of Honey Nut Cheerios is a bee holding a stethoscope and saying "May lower cholesterol."

The conclusion:

I asked the bee whether it would rather meet its maker in the microwave or in the oven. It replied thusly:

To bee or not to bee: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the microwave to suffer
The burnings and scorchings of outrageous fortune,
Or take up residence in a kitchen oven,
And by combusting end them? To die; to sleep.

"No more," I said.
I would have been impressed by the bee's knowledge of the classics, had it chosen a less-known soliloquy. In fact, I might have even considered pardoning the versed insect. But we all know Hamlet Scene III Act I by heart, don't we? And in any case, the acting was a bit over-done. Decision time.

February 29, 2004

7:15 am

Weird dream last night. Was sailing my boat, when I passed by a place similar to Gulliver's Island. Lots of little people were standing on the shore, shooting bows and arrows at me. The bows didn't do much damage; they just bounced off the hull, but the arrows were pretty nasty. Then they brought a ballista and various other nasty siege weapons. I just managed to steer the boat out of range, and sailed right off the edge of the world. Plummeted to my death.

Ate Rice Krispies for breakfast. This is the worst thing I have ever tasted. I'll deal with this cereal when I get home.

February 30, 2004

7:15 am

Weird dream last night. Dreamt that I was climbing Mount Everest, seeking an ancient Buddhist temple, where it is said, all reach enlightenment. When I got there, they told me I must make rabbit stew without using a rabbit. I tried lots of things, but none of them worked. In the end, tired of my futile attempts, 4 monks grabbed my arms and legs and threw me off the mountain. Plummeted to my death.

Ate Trix for breakfast. Nice and fruity. Just one thing:
The cereal is made up of only warm colors (red, orange and yellow). And that rabbit's smiling like a madman. Is this the message we want to give kids? That everything is wonderful? I don't think so.

February 31, 2004

7:15 am

Weird dream last night. Dreamt I was hiking in China, looking for Pandas. Suddenly a tiger jumped out of the bushes and attacked me. Are there really man-eating tigers? As the tiger pinned me to the ground and began to bite my neck, I realised that the answer is probably yes. The tiger bit and clawed at me. I'm not too clear on the details, but I plummeted to my death.

I enjoyed the Frosted Flakes so much this morning, I had almost forgotten about the presumptuous Tiger, but when I walked through the kitchen, I noticed he was looking at me funny. All triumphant like. I distinctly heard him saying "grrreat," but he did it cute, so that it sounded like a purr. A tiger being cute? The only reason a tiger acts cute is so that you'll pet him and he'll bite your arm off. He said it again: "grrrrreat." So I did the De Niro thing on him. "You talkin' to me?" I took out the chainsaw. "You talkin' to me?" I jump-started it. "Then who the hell else are you talkin' to?". I revved it up. "Well I'm the only one here."

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" went the chainsaw.
"Grrrrrrrrrreat" went Tony the Tiger.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" went the chainsaw.
"Grrrrrrrrrreat" went Tony the Tiger.
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" went the chainsaw.
"Grrrrrrrrrreat" went Tony the Tiger.

I brought the chainsaw down, cutting diagonally across the box, cutting off Tony the Tiger's head. Frosted flakes flew out from the box, and splattered all over the table. I cut again, in the other direction. Frosted flakes kept gushing out as I mercilessly mutilated the box. When I was done, my kitchen floor was covered in pieces of cardboard and flakes.

Note to self: All out of cereal. In any case I think I had better stay away from cereal for a while. It's making me cranky. I'll have something else for breakfast tomorrow.

March 1, 2004

7:30 am

Dreamt I was skydiving. Jumped out of the plane and pulled the cord of the first parachute. It opened. Landed safely.

Had some Pillsbury muffins today. Yummy. Easy to make. Great alternative to cereal. I think I'm over my cereal phase.