TOTALLY JUSTIFIED OBAMA OVERLOAD!!!!!!

In his 6,523rd career game, EDGARTRON-3000 led the Robot Mariners to their landmark 65,536th consecutive win Friday night against the Los Angeles Sheep-Clone Angels.

As usual, the team scored precisely 23,145.0 runs in a perfectly precise execution of baseball. The nine-inning romp included an average of 642.9167 home runs by each of the nine electronic players as the team extended its league-leading record to 3.91*1075

Share this:

You know what? I have had it with all the gloomy, depressing talk about the economy. I think it is time for us to stop whining, get off our butts, and do something about this mess we find ourselves in.

There is nothing we can do to change the past. We should not dwell on the fact that George W. Bush has personally ruined our careers, destroyed our hard-earned home equity, and driven us into suffocating credit card debt. Now is not the time for that.

Share this:

Today at noon Eastern, in a magnificent ceremony overflowing with more majesty and splendor than a human mind is capable of comprehending, President-elect Barack Obama will be sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America, ushering in a new age of eternal peace, prosperity, and oneness for all mankind.

As preparations for the crowning achievement of humankind finally come to a dramatic climax, tens of billions of citizens of Earth from all eras of history have descended on Washington D.C. to partake in this extraordinary event of infinite cosmic importance.

Having led a flawless life, President Obama will fulfill his role as the one true leader—that which the entire world has awaited since the dawn of time. His reign shall be unparalleled in this and every universe, as his interminable aura of purest hope and change permeate the furthest reaches of time and space.

The moment Obama takes the oath of office, a great and everlasting calm shall descend upon the earth, and the perpetual serenity will begin.

Scholars are divided on whether to refer to the Obama era as the “permanent tranquility” or the “harmonious everlast.”

Over seven hundred thousand workers were brought to the capital to prepare for the inaugural proceedings, which will conclude with a simultaneous release of ten thousand white doves and the activation of a high-tech government device that will deliver telepathically-induced orgasms to everyone within a 10-mile radius of the Capitol steps.

When asked to describe their anticipation of the Obama presidency, citizens were unable to find words in English or any other human language to properly capture its unadulterated radiance.

Some have questioned the seemingly excessive amount of news, radio, and television coverage that has been afforded to Obama in the months and weeks leading up to this momentous day. They question whether non-stop, back-to-back-to-back, 24/7, continuing coverage of any and all things Obama, to the exclusion of everything else is truly completely necessary.

Is it necessary? To answer that question in a word: yes. In two words: Hell yes. In three words: That’s a stupid question, and anyone that asks it is stupid, evil, and most likely an unabashed blazing racist.

Important Obama Inauguration Facts:

Fifteen newborns are named after Barack Obama every second.

There are enough commemorative Obama mugs, posters, and t-shirts in existence to give six of each to every man, woman, and child on Earth.

Share this:

In a decisive and timely move during an emergency special session Saturday night, the Kirkland city council voted unanimously to pass Ordinance 4188, which prohibits any further layoffs at any company within the city limits.

“As the economic crisis continues deepen, Kirkland simply cannot afford to be marred by the destructive connotations associated with layoffs,” said Kirkland Mayor James Lauinger in a prepared statement.

…you forgot to add that the lame who touch the hem of his overcoat are instantly healed of their maladies. And, that to gaze too long upon ‘Bama will cause one to spontaneously burst into flame. In times of trouble and tribulation, just calling his out his name will win the day…May Obama bless you and keep you: May Obama make His face shine upon you [but not too long], and be gracious unto you: May Obama lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

So thankful for the Obama picture! I will have that playing on my digital picture frame for ages to come. I think I may even use it to lull my children to sleep after a stressful day, just to remind them that there’s someone looking out for the lil guy, ya know?

In breaking news, the citizens of the state previously known as “Alabama” have voted unanimously to change it’s name to “Allobama”. A last-minute referendum to capitalize the “o” was narrowly defeated. An anonymous source claims disagreements between republicans and democrats over whether a numerical zero or “O” would be used doomed the legislation.

Share this:

In an exclusive investigative report set to air Friday morning, veteran newsman Dan Rather will reveal a stunning document unearthed from the files of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., in which the late civil rights activist strongly endorses Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential election.

Rather will unveil the document during a special edition of his cable news program Dan Rather Reports on HDNet.

Share this:

Seattle city officials held a progress review meeting today to update the city’s civil defense preparations. The meeting was hastily ordered by Mayor Nickels after a city clerk discovered an obscure city code dating back to the 50s that requires the city to update its civil defense plans and distribute updated materials to the public every ten years. Seattle has not updated its civil defense plans since 1951.

…changes to the civil defense materials include updates to lists of subversive organizations and replacing detailed explanations of death by atom bomb with comprehensive descriptions of death by chemical or biological attack.

“We’re pretty proud of what we were able to produce on such a short notice,” said Mayor Nickels, who explained that updated civil defense pamphlets and books will be available to Seattle residents as early as next week.

Share this:

With the future looking bleaker by the day in the face of unprecedented economic meltdown, tens of thousands of people across the country are turning to sterilization to help them cope with the disaster.

Clinics in virtually every city in America have been flooded with requests for sterilization from middle-age professionals, teens barely out of puberty, and everyone in between. Without exception, those receiving the procedures have cited the country’s dismal, expensive future as explanation.

Share this:

A committee made up of city, state and county officials commissioned to study solutions to the Alaska Way Viaduct announced their latest findings today. The committee released a statement indicating that they have finally determined a definitive solution to the problem of the crumbling Viaduct. That solution, according to the committee, is to form more committees.

“I’m a little embarrassed it took us this long to see the obvious answer that was staring us in the face this whole time,” said Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels.

The report from the committee laid out an extensive plan to solve the Viaduct issue by convening a series of seventy-three separate committees over the next twenty years.