Monday, August 1, 2011

COWBOYS & ALIENS: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

Another alien invasion flick, another disappointment. Although, to be fair, C&A started off extremely promisingly. The idea of an alien invasion set in the late 1800s is a great concept because common awareness of the universe and the possibility of life on other planets came much later. If aliens did invade in those times, it's more likely that such attacks would've been ascribed to demons or Satan. But this is where C&A failed, for me. It's true, they do call the invading aliens as "demons", but not one of them showed that fear of the supernatural or turned to god, the bible or even a priest for assistance. They just picked up their guns and went to shoot the aliens down, like they were invading mountain lions.

Taking inspiration from one of my favourite websites, The Editing Room, where Rod Hilton writes brilliant and witty abridged scripts for movies as he sees them, I thought that instead of a review, this film deserved an abridged script.

Daniel Craig is not thrilled with his Queer Eye makeover.

FADE IN:

EXT. ARIZONA DESERT

(DANIEL CRAIG wakes up in a desert with amnesia and a futuristic metal bracelet on his wrist)AUDIENCE:Daniel Craig looks freakishly plastickyand has creepy eyes. Obviously he's the alien.

DANIEL CRAIG:Actually, I'm the cowboy. Instead of losing myshit at the sight of this incredibly alien pieceof technology that is at least 200 years aheadof my time, I'm going to treat it as a slightlyirritating accessory and ninja-murder some extrasfor fun.

Hmm, it says here on my Western Movie Checklistthat I've got to head over to the nearest tavern,drink shots of whiskey through gritted teeth andpick a fight in the town square with the localasshole.

(He does so).

INT. TAVERN

DANIEL CRAIG:Whoa fuck! Olivia you crazy creep, have you beenstaring at me for the last ten minutes?

OLIVIA WILDE:Yes. Both of us are looking for something.

DANIEL CRAIG:Wow, that was deep. You should start a tarotreading business.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE(After more than half an hour into the film)

DIRECTOR JON FAVREAU:(checks title of the film)It appears that the movie title is Cowboys AND aliens.Okay time for some explosions and alien ships that looklike trilobites, which will blow up the town and lassothem a bunch of people! Woo!

(The town sheriff, the bookish innkeeper's wife and Harrison Ford's son (who looks suspiciously like Shia LeBeouf. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT) aka local asshole are all kidnapped by the aliens. Daniel's bracelet decides to wake up and shoots lasers at the ships).

TOWNSPEOPLE:Nice bracelet you have there, Daniel! Despitethis being a back of beyond rural hamlet, wewont suspect it to be a government conspiracyor witchcraft. Carry on, good sir!

HARRISON FORD:Standard issue legendary bad guy who likes torturingpeople reportin' for duty. Graar, I encourage nepotism!Rip that other man in half while we're at it!

DANIEL CRAIG:Say Harrison, why is it that the coolly evil, sinisterand intelligent villains always end up raising dumbassesfor sons?

HARRISON FORD:You whelp! At least I wasn't a pretend-bad guy in that shitfest,Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

YOUNG ORPHAN WHO WILL BE REPEATEDLY RESCUED DURINGTHE COURSE OF THIS FILM: Mr. Ford sir, did you not read the title of the film?Cowboys are the traditional heroes which makes aliensthe bad guys so you tone it down and be Daniel Craig'sSean Connery and a father figure to me.

(Harrison, Daniel, Olivia, Orphan and a Motley Crew of Townspeople whose relatives have been kidnapped set out on a mission to find these aliens that are using technology completely beyond their comprehension, and presumably wing it after finding them).

INT. INSIDE AN OVERTURNED RIVERBOAT

(Lone alien wanders around their camp and finds the young orphan. Instead of ripping him to pieces like it did to all the other people it encountered, the alien chooses to gently stroke the orphan's face. No, seriously).

ORPHAN:HOLD ON A SECOND. ARE YOU A MOTHERFUCKING SPIELBERGALIEN? HOLY SHIT THIS MOVIE MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT SUCKTHAT MUCH!

PREACHER:Dude, you must be the only innkeeper in the entiregoddamn west to not know how to use a gun. I'm a PRIESTand I can shoot like an ace, for fuck's sake. When youopened the tavern, did you expect to receive patronagesolely from society marms?

INNKEEPER:Psh, whatever grandpa. You just made a heartwarming,sagely speech. You know what that means right?You just Samuel L. Jackson'd yourself.

(Alien shows up and kills the Preacher).

EXT. ARIZONA DESERT(The aliens attack and the motley crew uselessly shoot at them with their shitty old timey guns).

MOTLEY CREW:Hey Daniel, by all means continue to ride aroundand admire the fucking scenery and NOT USE THE ONLYGODDAMN THING THAT CAN DESTROY THE MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS,YOU GORMLESS GARGOYLE.

(Daniel does so).

OLIVIA WILDE:Oh, and Daniel, it'd be great if you and I could takea break from this alien invasion thing and lovingly stareinto each others' eyes. It would be better if we could do itin the vicinity of that alien that is definitely not dead.

OLIVIA WILDE:I have come from a place above the stars. My planet wasdestroyed by these aliens who are looking for gold.GET IT? GOLD RUSH? Anyhoo, these aliens are kidnappingpeople to study human weaknesses. I know every thingabout the aliens and what that bracelet of your does and...

DANIEL CRAIG:Wait a second, you raging twat. You KNEW exactly whatthe aliens were up to and how to use my alien braceletas a weapon and you chose to shut your mouth all thistime when people are getting killed and abducted andwhatnot. WHAT THE FUCK?

OLIVIA WILDE:I wasn't sure if you would've believed me.

DANIEL CRAIG:Bitch I have a laser shooting bracelet on my hand, andflying machines with demons in it blew up the whole town.My disbelief got suspended 3 minutes into the movie.

Oh, also I still have amnesia and more that half the movieis over. How can we fix it and fill in the backstory?

APACHES:Native American medicine got that shit covered, brah.

DANIEL CRAIG:I got my memory back. I just remembered how I gotmy alien bracelet. Apparently I was in an alienship and tripped and my arm fell onto it. Thank godaliens are total asshats who leave weapons lying around.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE ALIEN SHIP

MOTLEY CREW:Yeehaw! Die aliens, die! Humans rule!

ALIENS:Are you seriously killing us with spears and woodenarrows when 50 bullets didn't seem to be able to dothe trick earlier?

HARRISON FORD:Hey, Rule #1 of Invading Earth (Hollywood-Style).Aliens are only invincible in the first half of themovie. By the climax, they're worse than Stormtroopersat surviving.

Besides, we're the Ewoks of this movie so you're doomed.

ALIENS:Hmm, you're right. Besides, we don't know why we equippedeach of our crewmembers with weapon-bracelets powerfulenough to shoot down our own ships. And why the fuck did weinvent weapons when we have no way of centrally monitoringthem or shutting them down?