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Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitterbeer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

Every drinker has 20 points on their face that warm up when booze is consumed, and the more you drink, the more those spots heat up. And, of those spots, certain ones heat up more than others, indicating just how many sheets you’ve hoisted into the wind. Your nose, for example, gets considerably warmer than your forehead once you begin to tie one on in earnest.

So, if you’re looking to elude capture in the future, Space Drinkers, you’ll just have to cut off your head. Hopefully, medical science will allow that; otherwise, you can only do it once.

As we leave you for a three day weekend, we take a look at the sport of boozing. New research in the field (or “bar”) indicates that people drink beer faster when served in a high-falutin’ curved glass than from traditional pint glass. The drinkers finished curvy beers five minutes faster, taking up to 12 minutes to consume their plain-jane drafts.

The brave beer scientists believe it’s not physics at play here, but a matter of human psychology or, more to the point, perception.

Your average drinker measures their progress in degrees, like “half-empty” or “half-full.” They then use this halfway marker to determine whether they are drinking too fast or too slow. But, with a curvy glass, the midway point becomes hazy, just like the drinker himself. Unable to determine how much beer is “half,” they are no longer able to moderate their drinking and finish, on average, in seven minutes instead of 12.

To avoid falling victim to this sensation, the Guys suggest thinking of your beer as neither half-empty nor half-full, but as a wasted opportunity for another full glass.

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As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.

And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.

The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.

Yesterday, we brought you news about eyeballing, a new trend with the youngins that involves pouring vodka into your eyes to absorb alcohol faster (really? Why not a vodka IV, kids?), today, we bring you the other big trend sweeping the country’s functional drunks: bros icing bros.

Imagine you are going about your day, when someone you know taps you on the shoulder and hands you a Smirnoff Ice. Before, you would tell them to get that trash out of your face, but now, you have to get down on one knee and chug it, regardless of where you are and the fact that your friends are planning on posting the video on YouTube in an hour.

It’s the latest alcohol-related prank, that apparently got its start with fraternities, and may or may not be a viral marketing campaign from Smirnoff Ice. I think we know what The Guys are going to be doing at our next get-together.

We suburban Americans are normally a cowardly lot. We don’t really grow a pair of balls until wrapped in steel Toyotas and a horn can do our talking.

But, there are certain times when we just can’t resist making someone feel like s@&t about their personal habits.

Prime example: smoking.

Don’t get me wrong: I don’t have sympathy for smokers, and I smoke. But it doesn’t matter where you light up. It could be in the clearly marked smoking area, a corn field in the middle of Nebraska, an asbestos shingles factory in Bangladesh or the Earth’s molten core. Somebody will walk up to you and say, “You know that’s killing you, right?” Continue reading Take it from Snee: The quittening

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Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management researchers have learned something interesting about guilt: it makes you drink. For some reason, millions of Americans want to forget why they feel guilty, and nothing helps you forget like booze.

But did you know that undergraduates feel guilty about drinking underage and/or to excess? When shown Canadian (?) anti-drinking drinking public service ads, the teens decided they needed a drink.

American teens drinking to forget guilt-trips from our frozen, drunken neighbors to the north? Yeah, we’ll drink to that, too.