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Friday, February 26, 2010

it's just been that i don't have stuff to say all the time anymore. nah, that's not entirely true... i don't have things worthy of a blog post all the time. so instead of posting nothing but crap, i don't post at all. (however, today i bring you a post of nothing but crap. yum!)

i was thinking the other day when i was driving about how lucky we all are to live in america. i know that sounds cliche and whatnot, but really..... there are SO many things that we have that we take for granted. not necessarily through any fault of our own. i mean, it's not like the majority of us were raised without the ability to find clean drinking water. i know how much water i drink a day. and how much i freak out when the filtered water at my home tastes disgusting. i refuse to drink it. i refuse to drink out of the tap. wow, i'm a total water snob. could you imagine if i couldn't find clean water to drink?!?!i think i'll list some charities who focus on bringing clean water to those who don't have access to it. do with it what you will..maybe you'll read about their charities and be inspired?maybe you'll donate money to the cause.maybe you'll donate your time.maybe you'll start your own charityi honestly don't know, but these are some awesome projects you should read about.

i was just thinking that we were lucky. we have so many things here. so much opportunity. yes, times are hard. yes, our government can be extremely fucked up. but we have it pretty good. when it comes to the basic necessities for living.. i think the majority of us are doing okay.

wow.

that was random eh? and not so crappy. i mean, charities aren't crappy. unless they lie and suck just take your money and run. then... crappy.

know what isn't crappy? my cupcakes. (look, i warned at the beginning of this post)

i've been baking like crazy! i love making cupcakes.. they're fun and yummy! :)

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

i used to always think that i was a really good judge of character. i've always been the type to trust my instincts and my gut when it comes to people... especially people i just meet. i'll get impressions or feelings about people right off the bat and i tend to follow my instincts when it comes to them.

but i think that's different than judging a person's character. i feel like you have to actually know someone to some extent to judge their character, or who they are.

lately i am feeling like i couldn't judge someone's true intentions or character if my fucking life depending on it. but then i started thinking and wondering if that wasn't entirely my fault. maybe i am having problems with certain people because they are fake... and they're good actors? or maybe they aren't sure WHAT kind of person they want to be- so that wavering of their intentions, causes confliction in who their true self is. and that makes it harder for me to truly grasp who they are. how can i figure out who someone is, if they don't even know themselves? how am i supposed to know if they are on the side of good or evil, if they haven't figured out which side they want to be on yet?

and is it all up to interpretation?

all i know is that certain people around me lately really have me baffled. i can't figure them out. i want to trust them. i want to believe the things that they say to me. i want to think that they have my best interests at heart..... but the reality of the situation is... i don't think that's true. i think they are lying to my face. i think they are lying to themselves. i think they have their own agenda's at heart.

and there's a part of me that will never understand that.

because how is it okay to be so blatantly dishonest to people who are supposed to trust and look to you for guidance? how can you be so blinded by what you want, that it comes at an extreme cost? and how can they not care?

i just don't operate that way. i always try to be as honest as possible and as true to myself as i can. of course it's a constant work in progress, but at least i don't fucking lie about it. at least i don't look people in the eye and say one thing, then run behind their back and say something else- with the intention of causing problems for them.

at least i can sleep at night knowing that i always try to be a good, decent and honest human being who treats people the way she'd want to be treated...... honestly, decent and with respect.

Monday, February 22, 2010

i've asked you guys more than once before just what the heck you wash your face with. i've been on a search for quite some time now to find products that simply... work for me. i used proactive for years and not because i ever had super bad skin or anything, but because i liked having "amazing" skin. but i started getting scared and wondering things like, how harsh is proactive on my FACE??? i still don't know the answer, but a product like that can't be gentle, right? and this is my face people. it's the only one i've got and i can't cover it with clothes and stuff when it starts to look bad.

so i've been wanting to find a replacement... something obviously not as harsh, but works just as well. the last thing i want is to turn into some zit freak, when i never was one before. at the persistence of a friend who started to sell arbonne, i tried multiple products of theirs. i didn't like any of them. the RE9 line way too moisturizing and heavy of a product for my combination skin. and the FC5 products just did not agree with me.

so it was back to the drawing board... and back to proactive... (can we pause really quickly and talk about the fact that proactive bleaches the hell out of everything? towels. washcloths. pillow cases. why doesn't anyone ever talk about that?!?!?!) so i've been using bleach face about twice a week, and this other over the counter face wash the other days. i feel like i have to substitute the proactive, otherwise i will suddenly sprout zits. and i can't have that. i refuse to have that.

this post is getting long.

someone offered to send me these products (the M2 sensitive skin collection bundle). yes, for free. and since i've been in such a skin care dilemma, i accepted. when they arrived, i noticed that they were designed really cute and differently than other products (the refinish twists up and down and the moisture lotion has a lid thing you press down on and the yellow goop comes up out of the middle of it). yes i notice everything. also, i like to read the stuff that is printed on the things i'm using. you know.. like the directions and the ingredients. but the writing on all of these bottles is way too light and blends in with the color of the product, making it extremely hard to read... especially in light (because the light ends up reflecting off the bottle itself). that was annoying, because i was already freaking exhausted after trying to read the damn bottles.

anyway... the products were different. the exfoliating cleanser didn't feel like it was cleaning my face intensely. but i think i'm also used to my face feeling like i'm scrubbing it off everynight, so i'm not sure i'm such a good judge on how a product is truly cleaning your face or not. time will tell. the skin refinish is supposed to get rid of all my fine lines (yay!!!) and even out skin tone, which should be fun since i'm freckly and stuff. it's kind of sticky. not in a super glue way, just in a ... tacky kind of way. my skin had a sticky feel to it after it had dried. i thought that was weird. the skin recovery moisturizer had that funky top that i talked about earlier and i was seriously confused on how to get it to work. i mean, i kept pressing it up and down.. up and down.. up and down.. until FINALLY, scary yellow looking goop came out. the color is weird. and it doesn't feel super moisturizing. although i'm starting to wonder if all the other lotions i've used feel moisurizing because they have sunscreen in them? this product doesn't. but it's weird to think that something could possibly be moisturizing your face when it doesn't FEEL moisturizing. i even had boyfriend feel my face before bed because it didn't feel soft (i like soft)... and he said it felt like leather. haha

but when i woke up the next morning, my face definitely looked different. i'm not sure WHAT exactly it is..... but it looks better. it looks softer. it looks prettier. and this was just day 1.

day 3.. this stuff is making my face very dry (either the stuff is leaving a super thin layer of crap that flakes off my face when i rub it, or it's my actual skin flaking off). i understand why because all 3 products have those acid's in them.. and nothing FEELS moisturizing. i think i'm going to have to modify things. i might stop using the 3rd step altogether and use my regular moisturizer. hopefully that will help. (update- it is step 2 that dries the hell out of your skin)

day 6.. i use the face wash everynight. i use the skin refinish stuff once every 3 days. .and i've stopped using the moisturizer completely. not sure if it's changing the way my skin looks or not. i haven't broken out at all which is awesome. maybe i'll use the moisturizer stuff like once a week or something?

day 30-something or other.. i have been using the face wash everynight. and i use the other 2 products like once a week i think. not sure the wrinkles are lightening at all. they are still there and still noticeable and i don't think they're fading. (maybe i should stop smiling) but my skin is pretty awesome. i break out slightly right before i start my p, which is to be expected. and then the rest of the month i'm pretty much clear skinned, with some exceptions that i haven't quite figured out yet. i think it might be because i started forgetting to use the other 2 products. once i start using them, my skin repairs itself and sends those zits packin! i haven't touched my pro-active since i started using these products. they are still sticky. they are still weird. but they work and i like feeling like i'm not putting something on my face that bleaches my freaking towels.

i do however want to try some kinerase moisturizing products- for wrinkles and stuff. but for face wash, i'm totally sticking with these products until they run out.

Friday, February 19, 2010

when i was a young single mom, i worked on a trading floor with a bunch of brokers who were living it up at the time and making ridiculous amounts of money. and i mean, ridiculous.amounts.of.cash. i got an offer at one point to work with the guys on the floor. that offer came with with a hell of a starting pay. the thought of making 70 grand a year at 25 years old (with a 6 month old kid) was pretty tempting.

but only for about 5 minutes.

because you want to know how i think? i was flattered by the offer and knew it would probably be smart to take it so i could have financial security for me and the boy. but i also knew that my heart wasn't in the financial industry. and that if i did take that position, i would most likely feel stuck forever. i would be making so much money, that i would probably put myself in a position where i "had" to always make that much money (or more) from there on out.

and then the main thing for me was, how would i ever get back into the entertainment industry if i took a job like this with that kind of money attached to it? how would i ever be in a place where i could walk away from it?

i didn't take the job. i left and ended up getting a job at disney. and i've never regretted it, because i don't make my choices based on dollar signs. and plus i fucking loved working at disney. not the actual job i did, but i really enjoyed the company and the perks that came along with working there (disneyland every weekend for freeeeee anyone??)

i've always been this way.it's how i'm programmed.it's how i function.i work with my heart. i'm not money based. i never have been. i always try to look at the grand scheme of things and not simply the immediate. i look down the road. i envision myself years later and then i plan accordingly.

and i think the biggest part is.... i feel like i really KNOW myself. i know how i'll react to something. i know when i can help myself out and i'll be thanking myself later. i knew that if i took that job, i would eventually regret everything about it- except probably all the nice things i had.

but it wouldn't be enough if i didn't feel internally happy. i knew my heart and soul would be screaming for me to get into something more fulfilling. to get back into the one industry that is so fucked up but i still love it. you see, i have to care about what i do. that's what makes me happy. enjoying where i work, what i work on, and feeling good about my contribution to it. the money doesn't hurt of course, but it's not what truly matters to me.

but i know there are so many other people out there who are the exact opposite. they don't care what they do, or who they work for, they just want the biggest paycheck possible. i don't begrudge them their success.... i just think we're different at our cores. and that's okay...

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

and it feels like it's taken me quite awhile to get to this place. to dig myself out of the dark spiral that was trying so hard to consume my amazing and kick ass life. fuck that noise. aint happening. i rock too hard for any of that.

so i'm feeling GOOD. it's within me. inside me. this positive feeling. like i'm on the right path. and things are unfolding how they're supposed too. and it's all going to be okay. it's going to be better than okay. it's going to be... amazing! incredible! and positive! that doesn't make it any less scary and to tell you the truth.. i'm not 100% sure WHERE my path is heading.... i just know that i'm back on it. and i trust that i'll get where i need to be.

and i can see that now. hell, i can more than see it. i can feel it. i know it's coming. i feel the change in the air.

i did have a psychic reading this past weekend that totally rocked. more on that another time. i'm also reading some of rebecca rosen'sbook spirited.. and it's helping me. i love spirit guides.. soulmates.. past lives.. regressions.. life's lessons.. our akashic records.. soul growth.. and all of that. i've believed in those things for as long as i can remember. the book has been just what i needed right now. it's helping me reconnect with my inner self. my life's purpose. my positivity and spirit and soul. and wanting to put all of that out there. positive energy. love. all good things.

i know you might be rolling your eyes or thinking i'm crazy. that's okay. we all have our own beliefs that help us through troubled times. we believe in things like spirits and/or god for a reason.

i'm in a good place mentally and emotionally. and i've been trying to get here for over a year now. in the grand scheme of things, a year is nothing when compared to a lifetime. but a year's worth of time is too long to put up with bad energy, and negative emotions. you have to get out before you drown. especially when you know the people around you see you drowning, yet refuse to offer you a helping hand. instead, they just stir the pot you're in even more to see how long before you find the strength to either get yourself out, or succumb to the swirling waters and go under. shitty metaphor, but welcome to the past 13 months of my life.

anyway, i was just checking in. i feel good and i wanted to share. i want YOU to feel good. i want you to chase after your dreams. to think about and realize what it is you truly want. to not only think about them, but write them down. say them out loud. REALIZE them. i know the negative stuff is easier to believe than the positive. but it's just because it's so easy to self doubt. it's so easy to talk ourselves out of things. to tell ourselves we don't deserve the things we truly want.

Friday, February 12, 2010

so lost is back on! and um... i'm kind of bored with it. anyone else? i mean, i've invested so much of my time and life on this damn show- and now that it's back on for the FINAL SEASON and we're supposed to get all of answers and dreams come true and everyone who watches gets free passes to disneyland for a year... i'm um... well... i kind of don't give a shit.i've watched the last 2 episodes and i found myself simply not caring. maybe i'm past the point of really giving a crap about these characters and their lives on or off the island. kill em all and just be done with it.

am i the only one still watching vampire diaries? or did none of you ever start?! i freaking love this show. it started off SO slow and just as i was about to kill my dvr, it got awesome. and now i genuinely like it. a lot. last nights episode.. i didn't see it coming. and i feel bad for damon. not bad enough that i would let him suck the blood out of me or anything... just bad.

i have started watching friday night lights. at the insistance of 2 friends who WOULD NOT LET UP UNTIL I STARTED WATCHING THE SHOW, i'm on disc 5 of season 1. it's pretty awesome. this show rocks in all sorts of ways. it's heavy though, so sitting down and watching like 6 episodes in one sitting is a bit much. and i feel like i need to run through rainbows and ride unicorns or something to feel a little lighter. but really.. great show.

is gossip girl ever coming back on?!?!?

i have about 5 episodes of grey's anatomy dvr'ed and no desire to start watching them.awesome.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

i almost had the whole row to myself yesterday on my flight from oakland to burbank.

almost.

until this guy sat down in the aisle seat and promptly threw all of his crap on the middle seat between us. (can i talk for one second about the amount of people that do that on plane flights? if you are one of these people, stop now. or at least ASK before you throw your jacket, your papers, your briefcase on the seat between you and another person. i mean, what the hell entitles you to that seat? who the hell do you think you are? the airplane seat god? it's not that i want that middle seat for anything.. BUT YOU COULD AT LEAST ASK "do you mind if i put this here..." i'll say no, of course. but then i also won't think you're a complete selfish and rude jackass with a mom who doesn't love you) so i was mad at the aisle seat guy for being a seat hog.

but that faded with the two ridiculously annoying chatterboxes sitting directly behind me. i learned they were sisters. and that one of their birthday's was on monday. and that valentine's day is on sunday. and that monday is a holiday so maybe they should make reservations on sunday instead of saturday since monday is a holiday. and sunday night probably won't be as crowded as saturday night cause monday is a holiday. and it's a sunday. and monday is a holiday. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! did i mention that their voices were enough to make me want to bound and gag them for the entire flight? (clearly i am an incredible speller from phone)note to everyone... if you are going to be loud and super chatty on a plane flight.. do us all a favor and AT LEAST BE INTERESTING. fuck.

our distaste for the annoying sisters bonded me and aisle seat guy. and i learned he wasn't a jackass after all. but he did make our plane late so i told him he was being punished. he also didn't turn off his blackberry and he was writing and sending emails for the whole flight. i didn't care about that, because can someone tell me if our phones being on really does anything to a plane in flight???? i "accidentally" left my phone on the entire time.

which is why WHEN OUR PLANE GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING i was able to get that tweet out!!!!it struck right next to me. at least it sure looked that way. cause when i turned to my left and looked out the window, i literally saw the bolt.

it was bright.

it was LOUD.

and then my left side got very warm.

and everyone has asked me if it did anything to the plane like make us jolt or anything, but i honestly can't remember or say because we were in so much turbulence before it happened that i really don't know. but i don't think it did.

anyway, right after it happened, the guy next to me let out this horrified, "oh my god!!!" in an octave about 18 pitches higher than his regular speaking voice. and that fucking made me laugh out loud so hard. cause he was so scared. and for whatever reason, i wasn't. and then he was like, "why aren't you scared" and i said to him, "cause. what do you want me to do?! it's not like i'm flying the plane... " and then i went on and told him that it was probably his fault for sending emails the whole flight and the lightning gods were mad at him. and he laughed and pointed at the annoying girls sitting behind us.

and we both agreed that it was definitely their fault. and that the lightning was trying to strike them into shutting the hell up.

Monday, February 08, 2010

i just wanted to say hi! and that i'm on my way back! i hope to be in the position VERY SOON when i can talk to y'all about what has been going on with me.

i am tired of giving random people control over my life. people who don't matter to me at all in the grand scheme of things, seem to have this power over my well being. we're all in that position in one way or another. i need it to end. i have to take control.

because i am fucking awesome.

and i deserve a shitload of good stuff, and it is clear that no one else is going to make that happen.

i have to make my own good fortune. i can't leave MY life up to other people. i can't put my path in someone else's hands to make the decisions for me. they don't have to live with those decisions day in and day out. i do.

i have to pave my own trail.

and i have to do it in a way that is positive and good and loving. you get back what you put out, you know.

and things have been negative and unhealthy and BAD for far too long. it's very unster like and i'm fucking over it.

Friday, February 05, 2010

because it seems like you can plan and follow what feels right for only so long. until doubts creep in. or ONE doubt. and it seems like that 1 negative thing can throw you off your path completely.

it's what is happening to me right now.

and it's pissing me off. cause before i had this doubt, i was really motivated. and happy. and singing songs with little birds on my shoulder. nah, you're right.. i would have kilt the birds. but still... this thing.. it felt right.

but now. i'm not so sure anymore. now, i can't shake the doubt. and i don't know if it's because it's scary? or unknown? or a complete and total RISK that involves a ridiculous amount of potential failure... or because i've been reading a lot of information and i'm not liking what i'm hearing. or what i hear scares me. and then leads me to think that maybe it's not the right choice for me. that maybe what i want out of this potential thing, isn't the reality of what i would be getting. maybe i never saw things clearly. maybe i do always cloud things in rainbows and puppies.

*sigh*

it's frustrating to me to see how easy it is to make me start questioning everything.to make me stop believing.to make me doubt myself and my potential.

but i guess the reality is... great rewards require great risks. but at what cost? and when is that cost too great?

Thursday, February 04, 2010

i am in the process of needing a few things designed and i figured WHO better to ask then my fellow bloggers who design on the side?? or my fellow bloggers who are super talented, but don't get enough business, or enjoy designing.

i love my fellow bloggers and so i want to support them.

here's what i'm looking for (and will pay for):

1- a really cute logo of a girl- who is cartooney, but also resembles the ster. in theory she would show from head to toe and would be holding something in her hand. cutesy, but not annoying. slightly sexy, but nowhere near slutty. this is family show. lol

2- a template that would have the existing logo incorporated in it. this would be used for monthly newsletters, so i need to be able to type in it and email it out. but i'm looking for a cute design that would be the border of the page, etc. (think word document)

3- possible business card design

4- and a website banner/header (to be used on website and blog)

let me know if you're interested. you can either talk to me in the comments or email me directly at jenn(at)jennster(dot)com.

thanks in advance!!! :)

UPDATE- this is not for a blog makeover, or this blog. this is for a business, so everything needs to look and feel professional, while still being fun and silly and happy!!! :)

okay, so what are the standard gift giving days? valentines day... anniversary.. birthday.. and christmas, right? so, i've discussed how stupid i think valentines day is many times in the past. i've also discussed that while i think it's freaking stupid, i still want it acknowledged. BUT, i've also talked about the fact that i don't want anything expensive or extravagant on valentine's day. i just want something. flowers. candy. a card. dinner. something. SOMETHING!!!! i think it took boyfriend 5 years and me completely losing my shit before he got the message. valentine's day equals something small and inexpensive... but still, something.

then our anniversary. boyfriend wanted to buy me a laptop and i went into some freaking tirade about how i don't want a piece of electronic equipment for our anniversary. that our anniversary is about us... and our relationship... and to celebrate the day we got married and gave our friends the best.wedding.party.ever. and that i wanted our anniversary to be sweet and romantic. if he was going to spend that kind of money, i would rather go away for the weekend. go to the hotel where we got married and at least stay 1 night, or something. i kind of wish we would do that every year. but just basically i set these parameters that our anniversary was about romance. travel. getting away. hotels. or diamonds! ha.. but not a freaking computer. because how is that romantic? it's not, but it's logical. and thus boyfriend = logic and jennster = not.

think that all those other gifts... a new computer. ipod's. cars. expensive shit... are perfectly acceptable birthday and christmas gifts.

but is that weird? or do you do that too and you never realized it before?!?!