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Spoken to me

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

Quotes

It may be true that he travels farthest who travels alone, but the goal thus reached is not worth reaching.
-- Theodore Roosevelt
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Splashy speeches and dramatic displays may grab our attention, but nothing says love like the dependable, daily act of showing up.
-- Mike Wittmer

Dream

It’s been a number of days that I’ve been travelling back in time with my sister each day. To the time when I was 12. For a mission. To change something or to find out about something – can’t quite remember what other than that it was important and urgent. The time travel portal was a toilet cubicle – where we start and end each day.

My most recent trip allowed me to meet with some relatives in Malaysia. I asked if I was allowed to call my gugu and guzhang because I was in Malaysia. Just wanted to check in on them and see how they were. The relatives asked for the reason and I said I’m the 25 year old WX in a 12 year old WX because I came back in time. They actually believed me and asked how I would be like when I’m 25. And I told them I’m doing well, and I would have completed my studies in Environmental Studies, a course that looks at management, law and public health, etc.

I woke up with a number of questions in my mind: If I could choose again, would I have chosen to work where I am now? Would I have chosen a friendship like this?

Had one of those dreams last night again. I dreamt that a vampire spared my life for some reason, but I was just buying time by her side. There were uncertainties as to when or whether she would bite me. All I knew was that I couldn’t run. Because if I did, and she catches up, I would be gone like the others who tried running away.

She came to my sister. I had to protect her. So the whole time I was hoping that she wouldn’t run away. I got her to follow me as I followed the vampire to a vampire party. The vampire wanted us to come along. I kept trying to find opportunities to talk to my sister and to tell her what to do while we were in that party.

And then I woke up. Come to think of it, it’s just strange how I’ve been having such unreal dreams. Usually my dreams are about people. Nowadays, there’s zombies in apocalypse, there’s human-eating monster and then a vampire. Hmm, what is going on.

I must have watched too much vampire drama lately, so much so that I dreamt of them last night. Best part of the dream was that I found my dad – not my real dad in reality but the leader of the vampire slayers in the drama LOL. So yes, whole dream was about going to places and meeting vampires that tried to attack me, and somehow he always appeared at the right time, like before the vampires could destroy me. Drama unfolded in my dream as well, like how his wife – whom I strangely did not identified as my mom in my dream – was bitten by a vampire and how he managed to cure her of the venom.

When I woke up, my first thought was, “Wow, that would have been a nightmare… if not for this ‘dad’.” I woke up without any fear. It was just peaceful. In fact throughout the dream, part of me knew that I’ll be alright because he will be here soon and kill the vampires. Perhaps it was scary the first few times it happened, but each time he appeared at the right moment, I learnt to trust that he will be here the next time it happens.

It’s a little strange to liken my Daddy God to a vampire slayer. But I guess, that works…? He slays every vampire, monster or spirit that tries to get me down. I know I’ll be alright in the end because He has never failed to show up at the right time.

Was a little upset with Him before I went to bed last night though. For not lending a hand where He has called me to, and in fact it feels like He has done the opposite. I really am not convinced eh, God. I still find it unfair. Just what are You trying to do? I don’t dare to run away, but I also don’t know how to run forward. I’m staying put for now.

It’s interesting how this was the first thought I had when I woke up. It’s even more interesting how You allowed that dream to take place after I walked away last night. Could this be Your response?

An unusual morning of waking up/being woken up at almost-considered-as-unearthly time without the aid of an alarm and yet feeling almost wide awake. Found a bittersweet feeling within me. Had a dream earlier on – what I wish will happen in real life too, because it needs to. And then a reminder of two images I used to see, but haven’t been lately – definitely miss seeing those.

That dream and those images warmed my heart actually. It’s the realisation that I’m back to the current reality that robs me of a little of that warmth and traps me in a dilemma as to how I should consider the contrast. For one, I don’t want to start off another day feeling regretful or heavy-hearted.

I could possibly close my eyes again and drift off somewhere else in my dreams. That might help me to forget that dream (and hence the contrast), or even if I remember that bittersweet taste won’t be as strong then. It will just be a “ohyeah, I dreamt of that” – just stating another fact. But I decided to get myself out of bed and write these down, because honestly, I cherish that dream and those two images… pretty much.

This is one of those moments that I refuse to let the feelings slip past me before I have them written down. Because once they do, I can never replicate the way I would write with those feelings still “fresh” in me. It’s important to me, that I capture these in words.

Sometimes. I listened to a song on YouTube while trying to figure out what the acoustic guitar was playing. And I realised I couldn’t even hear it. Those videos that filmed the acoustic guitarist let me know that he was playing even though I couldn’t hear him. There were also times when there are only lyrics without any videos, so I was just clueless as to when I should even play. And now with electric guitar in almost every song, it’s getting harder to find acoustic guitar tutorials for these songs.

This question would then surface: Is there really a need for an acoustic guitar to be playing in this song? Can’t hear it anyway, so will it really make any difference? Yeah, part of me is like a “If it doesn’t, then maybe I can just close my eyes and worship and not care about playing it”.

Everyone tells me there’s a difference. But honestly sometimes I wonder if they are just being nice while I’m here probably just fine with not playing – if it really makes no difference.

The other morning I had a dream though. I dreamt that service was about to begin, and for some reason my guitar wasn’t set up. So service started and everyone on the team played their instrument. There I was frantically trying to set my instrument as they played on. I frantically did so because things sounded as if something was obviously lacking… in a way that the song felt somewhat empty. There was this feeling that I needed to get myself prepared as quickly as possible so that I can fill up this gap and support the rest.

I wonder if this dream is to show me that there is a difference. But hmm…