I remember when I was making my career change from finance to dietetics, I would daydream of being a freelance nutritionist with a private practice someday. Being tied to a desk as an equity trader, watching multiple computer screens for a myriad of market fluctuations, felt like a prison. I didn’t want be tied to a desk all damn day. I wanted to make my own schedule; be my own boss. I wanted to help people with their nutrition goals. I wanted to do something that I never thought I could do – break free of the 9 to 5.

Summer 2015 was my breaking point. I had been a dietitian for 7 years at that point, and felt extremely unfulfilled in my main role and had exhausted all possible avenues for growth there. I wasn’t happy and I felt like crap. I realized that I had been working for 21 years (!!) as an employee in some capacity. At 39, I was too young to have that level of ennui. So I took stock of my options: I had a resume filled with solid experience, both work and volunteer; my networks were active and lucrative; I had already been freelancing per diem with a corporate wellness company while employed full time. I thought, if I didn’t leap now, I was going to get even more stuck. Who the fuck wants to be even MORE stuck? Not me.

So I jumped.

Here are some of the things I learned during my first year as a freelancer:

I was fucking terrified but acted like I was fine. Yeah, I went stoic. I had to. I was extremely lucky to jump into an extremely busy freelancing schedule right after I left my job, so there was no time to panic. I hustled hard and made it to January. Then shit got real.

Th existential dread nearly did me in. The thing with corporate wellness is that it’s strongly based on the calendar year, with clients figuring out their wellness budgets in January/February for the rest of the year (hence why I was crazy busy in September through December). You see where I am going with this…January to March were very slow. I had just launched my coaching business in early January was just getting off the ground. Money was tight and it hit me very hard. Brought up feelings of despair that I didn’t think existed. That paycheck wasn’t coming. It was all on me and I thought, Brenda Bae, you gotta swim. No drowning allowed. So I got a per diem job as well. Multiple streams of income for the win!

I isolated more than I thought I would. I cycle between extrovert and introvert naturally, but I took “fuck off and leave me alone” to a whole new level. Many of my friends got concerned about me (you know who you are!) and I eventually opened up. It’s hard to say that you’re scared, or I should say, it’s hard for my EGO to say it’s scared. So I stopped isolating and reached out for support. And guess what? My friends supported me.

Time management is fucking hard. I had hilarious ideas of what I would be doing as a freelancer – packed days, utilizing every minute efficiently. The gym would become my best friend and I would have time to reorganize my filing system. This isn’t complete bullshit, mind you. I did get a lot done when things were time critical, but I worked too efficiently, getting stuff done in short time frames (I know, such a horrible trait to be super fucking smart). The problem with this is that it left a lot of “free” time; did I go to the gym regularly? No; did I work on extensive marketing campaigns? Not really; did I organize paperwork and such? Again, only what was time critical. Lesson learned here? The 9 to 5 life programmed me to be “productive” based on the 8+ hour workday more than I had thought.

I got fatter. Yep, I gained weight in the last year, weight that I didn’t need to gain. This is the part no one really wants to talk about. Your schedule changes dramatically and your health habits go out the damn window for some of us. I had been progressively regained the weight I had lost (and had maintained in my 20s) since my internship 9 years ago (life stressors, be damned), and my health was becoming more compromised. I had to learn my triggers, my fears, my hindrances towards sustainable weight loss. Why was this still my Achilles heel? I can say that I have gotten a handle on this area and I am actively working on becoming a healthier Brenda.

I didn’t give up. My entrepreneurial and freelancer friends gave me some great feedback during the last year. They said that I did better than most, my resilience and tenacity refused to let me give up and that I am cut out for freelancing, as I had suspected over the years. I’m not against a full time 9 to 5 gig that positions me in a challenging and dynamic role. It’s just really nice to know that I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. I have learned to appreciate my ability to make my schedule as intense as I would like it. I have also recognized that I should be proud of being able to accomplish a freelance life that many cannot. As I go into year two, wiser and more seasoned, I’m curious to see what, if anything, tries to knock me on my ass. Doesn’t matter, I’ll just keep getting up.

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The Angry Dieter"Letting go of more than just the fat"

The Angry Dieter is a concept first conceived in 2007 and illustrates Brenda's experiences with disordered eating and body image. It also profiles her journey towards creating a sane relationship with food, as well as herself.

Brenda is a clinically trained Registered Dietitian and Nutrition Strategy Coach in the metro New York City area.