Will America Swap Sexy Topless Spy for a Bunch of Middle-Aged Nerd Spies?

July 7, 2010

In the movies, when one country has some of the other country’s spies, and the other country has a few captive spies of their own, sometimes they can work out a nice little trade in which all the spies return to their respective homes. Which sounds nice, but often comes to no good at all, especially when it’s an attempt to “make it all just go away.” That’s exactly what the spies want, so they can keep spying! Also, in the movies, everyone is sexy, which is a great equalizer of sorts.

But sometimes life is like the movies. According to the L.A. Times, word from the family of 45-year-old Russian scientist Igor Sutyagin (who’s serving a 15-year prison sentence on charges of spying for U.S. intelligence services) is that he and other prisoners may be swapped in the next few days for the members of the alleged Russian spy ring that’s been all the news lately. And sometimes life isn’t like the movies: Would the USA actually take a pot-bellied scientist geek spy named Igor over Anna Chapman? This Anna Chapman?

Still, maybe if the U.S. can get over its looks obsession, we can stop this silly business of snooping in each others’ weapons diaries and act like adults for a change, then maybe go out and bully Iran or something. Which would mean the sacrifice would all be worth it.

According to the Times,

“If the deal is really in the works, that will be the Kremlin’s confirmation that these people were fulfilling some special tasks in the United States in favor of Russia,” said Andrei Kortunov, president of New Eurasia Foundation, a Moscow-based think tank. “On the other hand, that means that both sides want to hush up the affair quickly and thus demonstrate that both Moscow and Washington are ready to leave the spy scandal behind them and continue to develop the positive trend in their relationship.”

In other spy news, a 60-year-old boyfriend of Anna Chapman has been accused of raping and giving herpes to a 43-year-old New Jersey woman. That, combined with Anna’s former husband selling their sex stories (and her topless pics) to the newspapers, may make her want to get the heck out of Dodge more than any FBI incentive ever could. (Also, if she has herpes, well, it’s no wonder they want to give her back.)

By the way, swaps often do happen the way they do in the movies, right on the edge of town and everything! The Christian Science Monitor has a nice summary of the three most famous spy swaps at the Glienicke Bridge, which spans the Havel River and connects Berlin to the former East German city of Potsdam.

We’d like to go on the record as saying we’re pretty much okay with swaps, as long as they don’t go down like this: