Warm your milk up in a microwave until it’s the temperature of warm bathwater. Mine took about 20 seconds, but who knows what kind of crap equipment you have on your ship. Just test it with a finger. Not too hot, or else you’ll kill the yeast. You don’t want to do that. Those beasties are your only friends, now.

Dump the yeast and milk into a bowl and halfheartedly mix them up. Go press your ear against the bulkheads or feel the floor for vibrations for the next 10 minutes. When you come back, the yeast will have bloomed into a healthy colony, unlike those poor bastards on LV-426.

And hey, if you can't deal with baked goods, there are low-carb, easy-assembly options: Alien facehugger eggs, below. Cucumbers, eggs, and some herbs and spices. The instructions crack me up:

Now gently slide your egg into the cucumber mount. Arrange these on a dark plate in order to create a diorama of the alien hatchery. Our still images from the Arcadia appeared to include coarse salt and sriratcha hot sauce, though one of our analysts jokingly suggested it looked more like the eggs were dressed in briny tears and fresh blood. There may have been some unexpected trauma when the eggs hatched.

Share these alien eggs with your fellow crew members and the colonists of LV-426, which they have apparently decided to rename Acheron. Remember, if you see anything like this when scouting the best sites for the first colonial drop, do not approach. Summon one of the ship’s androids, as they can neither be infected nor spread disease to the innocent young of a new species.

When life hands you shit, make poop emoji brownies. YouTuber Rosanna Pansino shows you how. First you’re going to need one (or more) of her 6-cavity poop swirl treat molds. Then you’ll need to follow the recipe, which is here: “Ta-Doo-Doo! Poo never smelled so good!”

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