Thursday, 29 April 2010

Sizing up dinner (Please note I do not have any say in what my children wear or buy, hence those shoes)

Dog Flail

Nothing exciting just another OMG WANT picture for the hormonally imbalance (me)

Brief bit of info for anyone who cares. The puppy is a boy puppy and is now named Loup, it sleeps a lot and hasn't crapped anywhere... yet.

Loup's mum was a German shepherd crossed with a Malamute and his dad was a Husky crossed with a Czech Wolfdog and he had 9 brothers and sisters (of which four still remain as far as I know for anyone interested in schlepping down to the Devon/Cornwall border for one of these).

Monday, 19 April 2010

Recently (ish) Walkers (UK crisp manufacturer) unleashed some new flavours on the unsuspecting british public. I say unsuspecting, I didn't know about it cos I live under a rock but anyhoo. During this weeks shop I remember various plurks about the new flavours and decided to test them all out in a experimental style with points and comments and everything. People involved in the proceedings were Me, Tie and children numbers 1,2 and 3. However we realised at the time of writing we had missed 3 countries (They must have been sold out, but we shall add them in at a later date).

Broadly Offensive's world cup debris scattered across the 'pitch'

First of all we had Guessing The Country game with much confusion and complaining that "They all taste like salt and vinegar" (Tie) and occasional whimpering. Things got very competitive with much changing answers but eventually Tie won with 4/12 and Child Number 2 was second with 1/12. Everyone else failed or wasn't taking part (I was the referee and setter upperer and child 3 was being stroppy)

Everyone was involved in the point scoring part. Trying to be fair and all we gave each crisp selection a vote of 1-5 (1 being rubbish) based on it tasting like what it oughta and general taste. It should be noted that child number 3 is very small and gave everything a 5.

American Cheeseburger

This one looked like it might be an early favourite, with my McDonalds loving brood "It's oversalted and crunchy like a big mac" said Tie, but sadly for the American team it was a poor start to the proceedings.Kitty: 4Tie: 3Child 1: 3Child 2: 2Child 3: 5

Brazilian Salsa

Tangy and tomato-y was unpopular with Tie claiming it to be "Roast Chicken" and I compared it to "Licking a pig"... Don't ask how I know this.

Tie continued to prove to be lacking in tastebuds by claiming this was also chicken. Steak just didn't live up to a decent standard for the majority of my carnivore lot.Kitty: 3Tie: 3Child 1: 3Child 2: 5Child 3: 5

Italian Spagetti Bolognaise

Tasting more like a bolognaise made with Dolmio *scoffs* than a proper spag bol this one didn't get a lot of attention.

Kitty: 3Tie: 2Child 1: 3 Child 2: 4Child 3: 5

Spanish Chicken Paella

Oh. My. God. This was baaaaaaaaaad... In an unmummy like fashion I blurted out "Fuck me that's rank" whilst dithering other whether spitting it out was a bad thing. Other exclaimations around the table. Tie said "It tastes like paella, but paella that's three weeks old and scraped off the back of a dog" (Tie actually said "dock" but I misheard and anyway dog sounded funnier). All this cemented spains place as 'a nasty'. Even small child didn't like it "But was giving it 5 anyway". She's very forgiving to potato based snacks.

Kitty: 1Tie: 1 Child 1: 1Child 2: 1Child 3: 5

French Garlic Bread

I'm suspicious that our delight and love for the garlic bread was due to it removing the appalling taste of the spanish effort but this one was loved by all (It was the first pile to go during the country guessing)

Kitty: 5Tie: 5Child 1: 5Child 2: 5 Child 3: 5

Dutch Edam

Aside from my woeful geography knowledge and complete lack of understanding as to what Dutch actually is in regards to a country the Edam was "Nice and cheesy but not Edam" in spite of the dude at the shop telling me that his girlfriend was agog with the fact it tasted like edam.

Kitty: 4Tie: 5Child 1: 3Child 2: 2Child 3: 5

English Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding

To be perfectly honest the whole yorkshire pud element messed this up for england which was like a beef flavoured crisp with something nasty on it.

Kitty: 1Tie: 2Child 1: 1Child 2: 4Child 3: 5

German Bratwurst Sausage

In my humble opinion this should have been the england entry but that is merely my small view. It did taste very sausagey but not specifically german.

Kitty: 2Tie: 3 Child 1: 1Child 2: 1Child 3: 5

Australian BBQ Kangeroo

I think we were all a bit bored of crisps at this point because this crisp launched a discussion on why it should have been barbequed koala bear. That and the fact it tasted much like the steak. Needless to say the points awarded we all a bit vague...

Kitty: 3Tie: 3Child 1: 3Child 2: 4 Child 3: 5

South African Chutney

I have no clue what this should have tasted like but it was quite tomato-y again and Tie liked it very much.Kitty: 4Tie: 5Child 1: 2Child 2: 4Child 3: 5

Japan Teriyaki Chicken

Clearly geographical stupidity runs in the family because this crisp started a debate about china not being in the list with Tie claiming their non appearance probably due to the fact they're not very good at football. Then everyone buggered off in a bored fashion or started asking for clubs.

Kitty: 2 Tie: 3Child 1: 2Child 2: 4Child 3: 5

The Winner

With 25/25 points the clear winner was French Garlic Bread, so grats to france.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Ever since I was very small my favourite films have always been end of the world esque epics. Godzilla films (I'm a King Ghidirah whore), The Towering Inferno, Jaws... Ok the last one isn't an end of the world film, but it's early and my brain is addled.

In more recent years there have been these disaster movies which I've watched diligently, Independence Day, American Godzilla (insert bleh face here), The Day After Tomorrow and the film I watched last night.... 2012.

Ignoring Godzilla (which I really only put in the list so I had a slightly longer list) these films all have something in common... They're all shit. Not shit as in bad acting, or whatever, just sickening. This is the END of the freaking WORLD. One bloke driving a limo with his deeply boring ex missus and her new husband (who the film was clearly trying to get everyone to hate, I dunno why, ok so categorically if you drive a porsche you're on the lower end of the sliding scale of humanity. But the kids obviously loved him as did boring woman so he wasn't doing that badly so why the hatred?) along with his kids, one of which was very sweet and wore a hat the other was just... meh, through mass destruction with 20 gazillionty people dying all at the same time and surviving. I mean I can suspend disbelief but SERIOUSLY!

I'm not going to offer up any spoilers (I'm pretty certain you've all seen the 5 minute clip) but I think a more realistic end of the world (ie, it actually being the end of the bloody world) would have worked well for this movie. Cos the special effects are AWESOME, and that's awesome in the proper sense of the word (mouth gaping slightly, eyes wide etc).

In another 'slightly' ranty moment. Wtf is it with the portrayal of the british in american big budget movies? It almost seems there is a stock choice of four british stereotypes which they employ from.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

As you all know the RL Kitty and Tie upped sticks and moved FOUR WHOLE MILES up the road, and have been settling into our new hometown and getting used to all it's customs. One of the more exciting festivals they have is the Pyggermeback Festival.

The date this festival began is unknown but takes its roots from 1841 when all the remaining french from the french occupation of cornwall had been pushed into caves in a nearby village. On the 6th of March these treacherous fiends gathered to form an army heading for our beloved village. On hearing of this great peril the local men formed their own army, standing proud at the entrance to our village singing cornish songs of heroism to rally the troops. One of these was the song Pyggermeback, which even the simplest of fools could join in with the words. When the french heard the good people of our village singing their song they turned on their heels and fled. Later they were pursued into their caves and slaughtered. Only a handful remained and these became the french survivalists.

The festival is a simple one, but it warms the hearts of all the locals and anyone in earshot. All the men of the village stand outside their homes at 8am and sing the same song their forefathers sang so many years ago...

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Aside from pondering changing the name of this blog to 'Will only post memes' I've been doing... Not so much! Have a meme!

1: I've had 15 siblings but am an only child (The siblings are all steps, halfs and fosters and I've never met 3 of them)

2: I was a complete ASBO teenager and my exploits included being picked up by the police at 4am wearing a nightie, being expelled from school and getting a caution (seperate occasion) for smashing a car windscreen.

3: I despise myself for saying LOL on occasion.

4: One of my best sexual moments was when I was still half asleep and dreaming about having a threesome in a police station.

5: I had a wart on my hand as a child and retaliated against the bullies by telling them it was contagious and chasing them around the playground.

6: I have a bone handled fooking massive bowie knife and it never fails to amuse me doing the whole "That's not a knife" in a shit aussie accent thing.

7: I never learnt an instrument as a child but can play the guitar to some degree now.

8: My ideal home would be a self sufficient farm in the middle of nowhere (I have quite worked the whole internet access into this fantasy yet)

9: Dead things freak me out, I can't look at or touch anything dead, even insects, as I have a terrible fear that bits of their body will break off.

10: I've grown to hate the name Kitty and fervently wish I could change it.