today’s feelings are tired, pissed off and tired. Today I struggled to get up. That’s unusual. If it rains I might not do much work. I need the rest. It’s getting too much now working 6 days per week and 8-12 hour days. Fuck it all. It can all go take a jump off a cliff. A big jump off a big cliff. I’m tired of chasing my arse to get money in. I’m tired of the apprentice always falling short of the mark and leaving me with more to do. He needs to pull his finger out of his backside and pull his socks up. It’s too much of a mental drain telling him the same things day in day out, week in week out for the last 3 years. It’s time he had some get up and go and time he stood on his own two feet and could be left doing things. I’ve realised that I can’t leave him for a week to get on with things which also mean I can’t take a week off and leave him. Not unless I pay him and he does bugger all.

I keep talking about making changes to my life but always seem to be doing the same shit all the time.

I’m ok ish this morning but far from my best. I’ve deleted my Facebook account , which I do when I feel like this, so as to not post anything I’m might not like later and to stop myself being negative on it. When I’m on there and I’m feeling like this I’m sure that their algorithms pick up on it and send stuff my way that’s not the happiest stuff. Anyway I’m off for a bit until I feel better.

I’m concerned that I’m heading a bit downwards. I’m tired and am feeling like I need lots of sleep. If it rains later and I can’t get on I will try to catch up on my sleep so that I don’t feel worse.

My apprentice is off again today with hayfever. I get bad hayfever but have never had a day off. Maybe he needs to man the fuck up a bit. I will have to dock his pay. That’s 4 days he’s had off in the last 2 weeks now. I think I’ll start getting behind at this rate!

I need to go eat some breakfast as I’m hungry now. People piss me off.

I’m wondering how often things change in out lives and we don’t notice. I guess every nanosecond something changes. Why do we cling onto things when the only constant IS change? Why do we resist so many things ? I want to be free, truly free. I want a free and open society. We have too much fear in life. It’s all encompassing. From set work hours, taxation, religion and it’s rules, how society tells us to love or be. I honestly think that most of society wants to be freer. Love is the only way.

I’ve just had a good meditation and have realised that I need to re-access my life once again. I’m becoming a slave to the wage again. It always happens around this time of year. I should be enjoying the nice weather rather than working upwards of 12 hours per day. I guess it’s all about balance. I don’t want to burn out, which usually happens.

I had some strange dreams last night. I need to ponder on them some more.

I’m still trying to understand my own enlightenment. Maybe I need to let go completely. A friend wants me to take ayahuasca. He thinks it will help me fly further than I have. I’m unsure. I’m unsure because I know what I’m capable of and how far I can and might go. I think its time for some tweaks to my routine again. I don’t want to burn out. I need to meditate more again. I feel I’m starting to spin upwards again a bit. At least I’m noticing. I might tweak my workout a little too although I’m still progressing with it as it is and it’s working really well. I guess my life is like my workouts. I put the effort in but start thinking about tweaking things before I’ve reaped all of the benefits.

Monday is here again. Rearing its work head screaming out for productivity. I was a bit anxious at 5 this morning fretting mentally about fitting everything in on time. It’s always others who give me deadlines etc. I’m not to worried now and at 5 I told myself to relax because it will work out how it always does and fretting won’t change anything. I’m going to go to work with the attitude of just cracking on , but not blindly. I’ve contacted a guy I use sometimes to see if he can help out if he’s not to busy. He usually does his best to help. He’s a good guy, so fingers crossed.

I’ve decided that I’m going to try my best not to get anxious or stressed. It only leads to a mental muddle on my part. I need clarity. I’m back to keeping my circadian rhythms in check and that always helps. I hope the weather is dry today but not too hot. That would be perfect.

it’s day already, although I woke up thinking it was Monday, and I’ve had a lay in until 7am. Wonderful. I’m refreshed now and happy, although hay fever had my nose blocked all night last night. Let’s get today started. I’ve had a big breakfast already too.