I felt terrible at my job today. I could listen to people and respond but not really do anything to help. I had three clients and all of them cried and I don’t think I did a single useful thing.

It was difficult to focus. I felt stupid. I feel guilty now that I wasted their time.

At 5pm I came home feeling energised, as I always do after a full afternoon at work, full of ideas about what productive things I’d do… but when I started to do them I got irritable, aggravated, impatient. Angry. I stopped and watched and tried to notice why, if there was anything under it.. but couldn’t find anything besides surface frustrations.

My mumm and nanna are still in Melbourne taking care of my uncle, so I don’t think I’ll be visiting the Gold Coast this weekend as planned. I should make other plans and definitely not sit in my pajamas for four days watching Ally McBeal and eating toast. No no no.

Spent the morning transferring hosting accounts from my smaller server to my bigger, so that in a month’s time I can get rid of the smaller server and just have the one, which will save me $15 a month. Two of the accounts that needed to be moved were this one and my main business one, which meant a bit of work on those.

Then started work at 2.30pm. I had a few things to do that I expected would take a couple hours. They took me 7 hours. 😐

Luckily I was working from home and could watch Ally McBeal whilst doing it. I’m up to the bit where everyone is telling her to see a therapist and in so doing managing to stigmatize both therapy and mental illness. Hooray.

Went over to Brenton’s at 9.30pm to watch Stargate SG-1. I don’t like it particularly, but I make Brenton watch my awfulsome show (Star Trek: Voyager) so it’s only fair I watch his awful show.

I went to the dentist a week or so ago so they could drill off some bonding that was (still!) present after having braces, shore up my bottom molars which were weakening due to jaw clenching (caused by either stress or, uh, medication), and do a professional clean. The woman who did my cleaning gave me some tips on flossing. Now every time I floss I hear her saying, “That’s right, the aim is to move the germ around.”

The germ, like I have one germ hiding out in my mouth and the aim is to keep him from settling down in any one place too comfortably.

Online counselling is pretty popular. I get lots of young people (14-25), lots of women who are single parents or recently separated or want to talk about their relationship issues, and lots of people who are quite depressed or anxious or who have experienced trauma or abuse or are thinking about suicide or are self harming. These categories make up about 95% of new clients at any time.

After a couple of bad experiences I no longer directly work with people who are self harming or thinking about suicide – it is too risky. I refer them to a specialist service. To be extra careful I also refer people who score highly on depression or anxiety or whose main issue is some other mental health concern. Many mental health issues are empirically shown to just not be suitable for online counselling anyway.

Sometimes, though, a high risk client will slip through to me. They won’t be too clear on their initial submission and will only disclose the real issue once they’re in the counselling session. When that happens I can’t just kick them out – especially if they are at a high level of risk. When that happens I spend the session working through the anxiety they (often) have about accessing face to face support and try to link them in with it.

Sometimes they won’t have it. They don’t want support workers involved in their actual life. They don’t want hospital staff or the department of child safety or the police knocking on their door. I can understand that, for sure.

But it is really, really stressful when someone on the computer at the other end of the internet is telling you they are in a very high risk situation and simply won’t let you help them be safe.

They won’t let me help them. and then I just have to wonder.. forever.

I drove straight to work from Brenton’s feeling guilty all the way because there is a train that runs straight there. I really do have an extensive and varied list of valid excuses though. One of them is that the name of my car is Iggybella. ^_^

I was meant to cancel my po box 605 but didn’t. I just can’t stand the idea of someone else using it. It’s been mine for nearly ten years! That’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had!

When I get home Guppy jumps out the window and comes down to the street to meet me. As she runs down, and then waits at the end of the driveway for me, she mews and mews. I realised the other day that it’s the mew that baby kittens use to call for their motherkit. (Aw, baby GupGup <3 )

Cats have lots of different meows to communicate different things. I know they generally use meows to communicate to their mother (and that domestic cats have extended mother to humans), but I think they can be broken down further. All cat-owners know the sinister meow cats make when they’ve caught a prey and are announcing it, or the demanding meow they make when you are preparing their food and they are insisting you’re not moving fast enough.

When Guppy hears my car coming up the street and runs out to meet me, and when she comes into the house from outside and wants to know where I am, she emits a series of “I need you!” mews that are very loud, short, high pitched and insistent.. and she doesn’t stop till she finds me. They sound so desperate that it makes me worry about what happens when she can’t find me.

I think she is much more insecure, needy and dependent on me since Munchy has gone. She is always right near me now. It’s cute, but a bit sad.

My few days home have been so nice. Felon has been good, so long as she is separated from Guppy and Munchy. I do not expect they will ever get along, though, and so I will have to find her a home. I do love her, so it will be sad. I’ll wait until having a bedroom cat +two rest-of-house-cats becomes untenable.

I’ve now exchanged gifts with everyone. Went to see Tron Legacy with Chelle and Jeremy, which was more entertaining than I was expecting but still disappointing.. so many ideas that could have been, well, actually followed up on, rather than mentioned in passing then never expanded, like name dropping is enough. Then went to an anime-projecting Japanese restaurant for Ramen which needed chili.

Went to visit Nanna & Poppa at Currumbin. Driving two hours without airconditioning mid-day mid-summer sucked a lot. Ate tuna patties and pavlova, fixed their various computer issues, went for coffee with Nanna & her mumm, Nanna, who is 97 or 98 now. I think I was not yet recovered from NYE, so was tired and not quite happy. Owell.

Storm came back from Woodford and visited us that afternoon. We all then went to visit another friend in a nearby apartment she was housesitting. I snooped it thoroughly. I so love being able to snoop other peoples’ homes.. their knicknacks and fridge magnets and books and beauty products and furniture arrangements. People are great.

Have no clients at work today, am way down the back of the office, cool and isolated, catching up on my 1000++ Google Reader items. I’m here till 8pm tonight, when maybe Storm will pick me up, if I remember to text her.

Having a stable job means only really getting 2-4 weeks of leave per year, which isn’t much. Since I live so far away from my family, I really need to spend that leave in Cairns. So my time in Cairns is generally the only time I have to catch up on projects I have outside of work… except I come to Cairns to be with my family, so constantly feel torn, er, like I’m not spending enough time with them.

The time here also seems to go by so fast! Or maybe it’s just that there isn’t much of it. I’m only up for ten days or so this time.

In about an hour Sarah and I are going on a roadtrip to look at a toy poodle she wants in Herberton (~2 hours away). Toy poodles are surely the ugliest, most annoying dogs in the world. I’m pretty sure she’ll regret getting it.

I’m getting really behind on obligatory adult-like activities, like doing laundry & paying bills & making appointments etc, because full time worklife still hasn’t quite sunk in. er, what I’m trying to say is I’m a silly child. I’ve been trying to keep up my all-play-time weekends, conveniently forgetting that I no longer have Mondays as a buffer.

I seem to have thunk I could just sacrifice the housework and bills and appointments, rather than the fun. oh 🙁 what do I do? I caaaaan’t give up fun!

I’m stressed out and tired and don’t like this. Not sure what to do. My first (immediate, ever constant) thought is to go back to working four days, but there are so many problems with that. My counter thought is to give it longer, attempt more balance, be dutiful, responsible, patient…

As part of my internship I need to have a senior professional of the field directly observe me provide therapeutic interventions for a number of issues. I’ve been procrastinating with this requirement the whole 18months till now because… well because I’m sure that as soon as someone who actually knows what they’re doing sees me working directly they’ll know exactly how incompetent I am (imposter syndrome, anyone? Oh, right.. everyone).

Also because it’s a hassle to arrange… to ask permission from work managers, to explain it to a client and obtain their consent, to book recording equipment, to actually do it…

Well I’ve only five months of my internship left to go, so I thought it was about time to think about it. I asked permission at work, arranged it with my supervisor, and finally.. outlined it all to one of my clients, who seemed absolutely fine with it, and gave consent. I booked the recording equipment, set up the room, planned the session, got the supplies ready (it was going to be a symbolic and art therapy session)… and! The client was due half an hour ago.

Shit. Shit. I’m sitting here with the camera trained on me. I had to run around to buy the outdated videocassettes it uses. It took me a half hour to set this room up. I brought everything I needed in from home. AND THE CLIENT DIDN’T SHOW.

Of course, it’s hardly a coincidence. This client has never not shown for a session before (and we’ve had 10 sessions). This is exactly why I wasn’t looking forward to asking a client to do this. Who would want to have their counselling session recorded and watched by and discussed with an anonymous third party? Argh.

Now I need to find someone else to ask. Three someone elses. And due to all these stupid work changes, I’m barely SEEING three clients at the moment.

This is a good thing, my colleague would say. It is, because:

in preparing for this session I did catch up on my symbolwork literature.

I now know to rethink how I frame this experience to clients, and be sure to triplecheck and quadruple-clarify everything with them.

I also planned this session a lot more carefully than I usually do, which was a good experience.. I should do that more.

Except (and all counsellors say this) it really does seem that it’s always when you carefully plan for a session that the client doesn’t show! …Wow, I am really bad at finding silver linings. Every silver lining has yet another, blacker and more poisonous lining!

I think the worst part is… I got all excited about it! That slight performance anxiety that is actually more exhilarating than anything else. And now I am disappoint 🙁

I can’t believe it’s only Monday. I really do not like this five day work week business. It doesn’t suit my constitution.

Today was much longer than usual, though, as I had supervision directly after work. I arrived there elated, and of course when I said so, had to explain why. The summer evening was very lovely.. it had been really very horribly hot today, but by skypink 6pm was lovely and cool, bright and dark, summery and sweet. I listened to classical music on the way over. And as I was leaving work, my new manager stopped me to give me some feedback that was all so lovely and positive.

He, along with a couple other people that I work with, are social geniuses. Their motivation is that they care.. but what stops me is that they are so genuine.

I need to practice being genuine. It is a quality I find so wonderful, and aspire to so much. I have ever since I started studying people and their brainz, but it has just kept growing on me. I need to be so in all ways, all days.

Pretty hungover but not too bad. We went to West End markets for breakfast and with good intentions of buying lots of vegetables… but it was too hot and exhausting. Jason would have but he always falls for my “I’m too tiiiiiiiiired”s. Ran into a mental health client which was a bit awkward when she told me she’d shown up for her appointment last week but I wasn’t there. I’d left at 10am when she hadn’t shown up by then for her 9.30 appt. Oh well.

Went to the post office with a ticket for a package… which they couldn’t find. They were adamant that I must have picked it up already, only I’m quite sure I haven’t. It is the new charger I ordered for my camera, which I haven’t been able to use for a month. Argh! Where is it! There were Mr Men & Little Misses waiting there for me though… $50 for a complete set of 24, to be used in symbolic therapies. Yay!

Spent the rest of the day watching Sailor Moon, completely forgetting I’d planned all week to go to umart today and buy an external hard drive so I can back all my shit up and reformat my main HD because it is corrupt. Ugh. Another week of glitchy computer drama for me.

Rohan visited with his new kitten, but she was too freaked out so he took her home, then came back with vodka and videogames. I went to bed while Jason, Rohan and (Jason’s friend) Emily stayed up till 3am drinking and chatting. I slept through it all! But I am pleased Jason is making an effort to be more social… since it’s been bothering him that he hasn’t been for so long.

My time feels ever more precious, now that so much more of it has a price tag. The new job is going… okay. I have my own office but it is bare. I need to buy the furniture and.. everything else. My role is the same. I have no supervisor, no work… I need to figure out what and how the service is going to be. Of course, I will have a supervisor, eventually; but until then.. I feel a bit lost.

There are six other workers in the office, mostly young, highly efficient and motivated, all busily going about their well defined jobs at all times. All have been there a minimum of two years and know each other well.

There is always a period of this. I’ve been working two weeks but that’s only four days. So.

A crazy hectic day, today: Meetings all day at job1, then I’d asked Jason to pick me up so I could drop him off at home and drive straight to supervision on the Northside (half hour drive & due there at 5.30), only he didn’t show up till 5.20. eep! Got there late… and found that when I presented cases to my supervisor and she gave me advice, it was all things I knew and had done already or planned to do. Maybe I am learning 🙂

Went straight from supervision to meet Storm at 7 at Hell Pizza for all you can eat, weee! Except I only managed like 3 slices, gosh. Then we went back to my place to watch Firefly. All my friends have ever loved this show and recommended it to me over and over. I watched half an episode once and didn’t really like it.. I watched Serenity years later and did like that. So grudgingly gave it another try… and do like it! It is so sad there is only one season.

Woke thinking I was in a dream. I think I dreamt I slept with my boss. It is really disturbing and I don’t know why I would dream that.

Getting to work took me half an hour. It is further away than I’d been thinking… I think to walk all the way would take about 45 minutes. I walked half the way, today.

Firstday was good, if really quiet; induction training and all that. I will be getting a work mobile, and can start anytime between 8 and 10am, and get half a day’s pay for sleepovers. I’ve never had a job with sleepovers before. It has the potential to be rather funn.

Am reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It is unlike the movie in a good way, though the movie is just as good. Of course, you know I love the unreliable narrator; it is one of my favourite devices.

New job emailed me my contract today, so I guess it’s official. They have me down as two days per week for the first six months, then full time. They even put the date I start full time. I wasn’t expecting that. But I’m on probation for the first six months, so if it doesn’t suit.. I can leave, and still have my current job.

I’ve realised I won’t be going to India and Tibet in January as planned. I didn’t mention it to them before now, and it wouldn’t feel right. But! In 6 months I’ll be done done done, and we can take our long-planned round-the-world.

Oh, right, my day! Well, there was work. It was worky. Prior to work I cleaned the whole bathroom. It was a bit dusty and grimey, and now it is shiny and orderly. After work we tidied up a bit more and people came over to play some games. Games night!

Who came, allow me to recall every face, in vague order of arrival. Adam C, Storm, Simon, Marie, Rohan, Chelle, Jeremy and Vicki. I think that is all. We drank lots of vodka (I was way too generous with my vodka), played Munchkin and ate nachos. I talked heaps with Storm and Adam and Simon. I got a bit belligerent (drunk). I did Adam’s makeup and Storm’s makeup (drunkenly and in the dark, they were crazy to let me), and had glasses photos taken with Simon, and ate delicious icecream that Rohan bought. Eventually most people left and I sat about chatting with Simon and Adam till about 4.30am, when Simon left and Adam and I went to sleep (Jason had gone to bed ages prior).

It was fun… I like people. But now my house is messy again, after all that tidying. I remember why it’s been so long since we had a party, now.

What is this mess

O hey, hi my darling. I'm overocea & this is my journal. I've vowed to note my everyday inconsequence indefinitely, so that I can read it when i'm 80. I expect it to be hideously boring to anyone except an 80year old me.