General Question

How would you hande life if this happened to you(details)?

If you were raped at a young age, for example 12 years old and now a young adult 18–20 years old. You also have an STD now because of the rape incident. This one in particular is herpes. How would you go about life….In particular, friends and relationships.

How do you ever really get into a serious relationship?

Are you forced to just find someone else who has herpes and hope you like them?

What do you do about somone who may really like you yet or vice versa, you know can’t do anything further because of the STD?

How would you decide if that person was good enough friend to tell? Would you even tell them ever?

16 Answers

I don’t have a ton of advice, but just want to mention that you don’t HAVE to abstain from sex because of herpes, unless your partner is completely uncomfortable with it. My mom had herpes when she met my dad and he didn’t care. They have been married 25 years and he hasn’t caught it yet. Sex when not on an outbreak is generally pretty safe, I guess. Condoms help too.

If this question stems from personal experience, I am so sorry this happened to you.

I was going to say what Mariah said only I thought that was true for men. I assumed it was more difficult for females to be sure when an outbreak was coming or when she was contagious but I would also assume that in this day and age there would be some sort of test that would let you know if it is not safe. I was once involved with a man who did not tell me until he was starting to have an outbreak. I was furious that he withheld that information until he was forced to tell me. His excuse was that he felt it would ruin the relationship we were building. I later found out that he was less than honest about many things. So I would say honesty is probably the best policy when and if the relationship begins to mature and sexual intimacy is imminent.

There are people out there who are educated and who understand that if you take proper precautions, the risk of transmitting the disease is small. Also, if you really love someone, you may not think it a big price to pay.

I’ve had a few friends with herpes and there is a stigma for sure. Whether it’s rape or consensual people tend to think you’re ‘hands off’ because they don’t want to get the STD. I was scared off when I was in my early 20’s by a cutie with herpes, but he was also still all about his ex as well.

I would be very careful who I told, and probably only if in a serious monogamous relationship. Of course if it’s your best friend, I would tell them as well, but not a large group of friends, or a bf with a big mouth.

More people than you would think have herpes and don’t even know it. It is most contagious when the outbreak first starts, and people can tell when it is starting, especially if they are aware they have it. Some people may not want to have sex with someone who has the virus, but others will be fine with it, and trust their partner to let them know if they are having an outbreak. Some people get herpes and never have another outbreak again after the intitial one. I do think the individual should let their partner know they have it, that that is the ethical thing to do, but if both have the bloodwork done it is possible the person who thinks they don’t have it, actually does. I think the statistic is about 20% of people have the genital virus, so 1 in 5 people have it. That’s a lot of people.

For me, it would be about dissociating the disease from the rape. I would make sure that I did not feel they had scarred me or left something behind. Something to haunt me. So for me, that would be the most important thing to deal with first. So I would nurture my body everyday if I had to, in anyway I felt helped me.

Then I would go about it as I would any illness or affliction or issue I had on a physical level. I would find out as much as I could. Making sure that I am OK, in terms of outbreaks etc., and managing them. I wouldn’t bother to tell friends, unless I was just feeling as though I needed to talk. Otherwise it is none of their business.

For me, being raped is stealing a moment in ones life. It should not mean my life is stolen from me forever. So I would live, love and laugh as that is what is important for me. Love does not judge or find fault with flighty things. But , of course protecting and informing a partner is part of love.

When you get into the relationship with a potential significant other you have to let them know. It won’t be easy, it may be difficult for you to tell her/him about the rape or STD… But let them know about it. It will be hard, but it will free you.

Be careful who you tell, but the people who really love and respect won’t mind. Sure, there is a stigma attached to it, but the people who really respect you won’t see the STD or Herpes, they will see YOU.

The rapist is sordid, for sure, but let’s be clear that having herpes is not. And acquiring herpes via rape is not sordid for the person who was raped. They are not at fault.

If you get herpes because you have lots of sex with lots of people and you don’t protect yourself, then that might be sordid, but only if you kind of didn’t care what happened to you. Even then, I’d be inclined to wonder if that was a mental health issue.