The Craigslist 'Non-Pussy' Drummer Is a Phenomenon: But Is He Real?

By now you've surely heard about the "Real Rock" drummer desperately in search of a "NON-Pussy" band in L.A. Since posting to Craigslist almost a month ago (his ad is below), he's become something of a phenomenon, reposted on sites like Buzzfeed, Metal Injection and many many more.

Scads of people have found him greatly inspiring, what with his curly auburn locks, flannel-shirt-and-leather-vest ensemble, dangling cigarette and take-no-shit attitude. After all, he's unwilling to "take direction from ninnies who live in their fucking parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson." In a word, our hero. But is he too good to be true? Is the whole premise as fake as his hair appears to be? After all, one would think that by now he would have revealed himself. And so, we attempted to hunt him down.

I do NOT play to a click track or backing tracks and GO SCREW if you think I'm gonna "tone it down a little, bro" so you can piddle away on your stringed sissy box. I WILL NOT play hotel cafe and don't take direction from ninnies who live in their fucking parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson and rapping about his "process", you piece of shit. I am a real mother fucker with balls of steel and have a drumset that loves to be ass fucked mercilessly from behind and I need to join a band who understands that stage-sex is part of the fucking game, dude. So when I'm fucking the shit outta the kit, you can't be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy dick wishing that you could stick your dick in too, NO! You get that dick hard and fuck the stage with me, pussy boy. I'm so sick of stealing the show and would really love to meet some real sons of fucking bitches who aren't afraid to use a sweat band for its intended purpose: wiping off fucking sweat, cum, groupies, pussy juice, blood, etc.

Do not write me for reasons of sass because I will FIND YOU and shred your fucking face with my SHIT-STORMING DRUM GODLINESS!

We had to find this guy, right? And so first we went straight to the source, emailing the address on Craigslist. Immediately, however, we got a message back saying the post had expired or been deleted.

Hmmmm. Time for plan B. We proceeded to create our own Craigslist ad, seeking out the drummer and promising great fame within these electronic pages.

Unfortunately, there was only one response, from some guy who insisted we could still email the drummer directly. (Dufus.)

And so we moved on to plan C, Tweeting, Facebooking, and emailing publicists and others in the local non-pussy community. We even got a chance to talk to Fidlar's drummer, Max Kuehn. The L.A. punk band, for whom the word pussy is reportedly not even in their vocabulary, had posted the ad on their Facebook page recently, with the caption, "We found Max's replacement if he ever pisses us off." Kuehn denied all knowledge of a plot to force him out; he also had no idea if the dude really existed.

"It would be pretty awesome if it was real," he says. "I would totally play with him."

We then speculated that the photo wasn't real; it looks, in fact, like one of those Found pictures from the '70s that people get out of landfills (or, perhaps in this case, re-purpose from other sites). But the reverse photo search engine TinEye turned up nothing.

Then, earlier this week, finally, a lead:

A new Craigslist ad popped up that appeared to be from our man, stating:

OK, an update for you bitches ... I've got my band, we're set to take over the universe ... now I just need a venue, a crowd, some smokes

It included three pictures, one being the original and two others that were obviously not of him or his new bandmates. That post was flagged and removed shortly thereafter.

If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.

SHOW ME HOW

Newsletters

SUCCESS!

You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!

Yet another dead end.

And so, it is with a heavy heart that we conclude, sadly, that the original Craigslist post was not real. Our man appears to be little more than a figure in the mind of someone with a good sense of humor and a desire to return to a rock & roll era where men were men and bands were not composed primarily of pussies.

That said, we hope we're wrong, so please let us know if we are. If you have contact info for this guy, by all means hook us up.