Last night I lay in bed next to the sleeping Beanie, who is absolutely precious and perfect as every child is, and realized that if I died, she'd be alone. Not technically, because PF would be there for her. Unless he died too. And my dread increased to where my heart started beating too quickly for what I was doing (ahem, trying to relax) and I thought I'd pass out. And then I thought "is this a panic attack?" because while I have certainly had stressful moments in my life, I've never suffered a panic attack. It's like adrenaline just rushes over you, but instead of wanting to fight, I wanted to curl up and disappear. I think it's mainly this frantic feeling of not having a job compounded with certain other uncertain financial future obligations that don't mix well with joblessness. Compounded with the "what else can I do"? feeling that should be my plan C, but I just don't want to commit myself to more stressors and obligations.

This has nothing to do with being a new mom, I hope, because if it's parenthood that is doing it, I'm doomed for 18 more years plus whatever's left of my life after the kid's away at school. I was watching Last of the Mohicans today (because I couldn't sleep) and just sat there panicking when Chingachgook runs up the rock face as Uncas is falling to his death. I was panicking during the war party scenes. I was worried for the children IN THE MOVIE. WTF?

I have never gotten so worked up over LOTM before. I was weeping inconsolably as Eric Schweig took his dive to doom. By the way, PF, if you grow your hair out and wear a leather tunic and carry a musket, I will be so impressed, me love you long time.

Anyway. My point is that I'm getting physically sick from stress, and it's not even my stress anymore. At least not all the time. It's the dread of stress. It's the dread itself.

Nimbus DamI took advantage of a break in the weather. I was among many stunned folks looking out over the dam. It's a lot of water, but from what I could tell, we are in no danger yet. It's pretty amazing though.

Well, our friend Sacramento is having one of her every-7-to-9-year freak outs. It's rain, rain, rain and more rain. We're getting about an inch per day or more. I'm sooo going to take pictures of the Nimbus Dam floodgates (these are what they look like normally, check out the leg of aquaduct coming off.) It's pretty shocking; right now, the basin below is so full that the path along the bluffs is probably going to be washed out. The trees are nearly covered. That's where crazy fishing people tend to fish for trout and salmon and whatnot in their waders. Not today, that's for sure.

Anyway. Sacramento is a flood zone, saved only by some decent levees, and if one breaks, most of the town will look like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Don't believe me? Think I'm freaking for nothing? Fine. But there is a reason why you can't own a house in this floody town without purchasing flood insurance (here is a low cost site I'm logging for future reference, btw.)

What to do if it happens:Get in your attic and/or to higher ground asap. Have an emergency bag full of goodies like power bars, 3 liters of water per adult, and some warm clothes in baggies. A good rain poncho for everyone would be smart. Also, if you have a second floor apartment or flat, don't flush your toilet. You can use the reservoir water in the tank if the sewage treatment goes nuts. Anyway, here is a great water resources website for where to get sandbags, and what's going on with the water levels nearest you.

I only say all of this because I remember the old folks home in Roseville next to Linda Creek flooding a few years ago, and they were dragging old ladies out of the windows into waiting skiffs. I also never forget the flooding in 97, or 93, or 85, when loads of schools were closed.

Nor have I forgotten the Delta levee break the flooded an island a couple of years back. It ain't like the levees around Sacramento proper are much better. They are all decrapitated, not to mention, unnatural. This region is a FLOOD PLAIN. It's the river basin. It's like a big fat "duh." So, if it happens, just get up to high ground.

So yeah. I had a nice Xmas. I plan to go to the Lord Of The Rings festival on New Year's Day at the Ninjas. Should be wacky and 12 hours of fun and extra breakfasts. I guess one year they stewed some rabbits. Maybe PF and I can pick up a duck at the Asian food store at 13th and Broadway; a whole roasted duck (with the head attached) is $10. And I'm sure they have some strong beams in their attic space for everyone should the levee near them crack a tad.

I know I should be less nervous, but it looks like we're moving to the flood zone soon, so of course, I'm already getting Plan C sorted out in my head (i.e., how to get Beanie and my dog and cats up on the roof by myself. Frogs will have to fend for themselves I'm afraid...)

Went to a lovely xmas party accompanied by the beanie. It was fun. We stayed until she fell asleep, so that makes it a 2 hour outing. But it was obvious I needed to get out and about MUCH more than just one night. How do I know this? Because no matter who I talked to, I was babbling on about crap they couldn't care less about. Like the day I ran into Ellen Degeneres at the Mission in Santa Barbara with my charge, a kid wearing a tutu and rain boots. Or that the nursing camisole I was wearing was this crazy expensive (note: I so do not look like the model in that link.) thing that I secretly coveted my entire pregnancy and finally got the gall to order, and they sent me two with the same order number, so they won't take the second one back and I got two for the price of one. With matching skivvies. I was ecstatic, that's like someone giving me $100. But who cares? No one at that party. I kept trying to not say anything stupid about my life, but there you go.

PF called me on it once when I was having this excruciatingly awkward exchange with Naked Nathan at the Tower Theater one night a couple of years ago. I simply could not stop asking inane questions about the most mundane things, and the bonus?? I don't even know him that well. I still wince about things I did/said in 5th grade, so you know I'm neurotic.

Last night was like that. Except thank God I had the Beanie to distract people from my rusty social skills.

I have been cooped up either delivered, ill or car-less for the past 4 months. I don't use that as an excuse, I'm just saying that I notice when I am not able to socialize regularly. I get out sporadically to places like Denny's and Long's Drugs and America's Tires and The Mall (a place I hate so much, it makes me as sick as the M word.) When I do get a real chance to get out around actual friendly type folks, I make an effort to entertain myself for an entire day of it and make us both sick from stress. I do, however, try to make sure I see my mommyfriends at least once every month. But still. That's more necessary and doesn't really require social skills, it requires very forgiving mommyfriends who know what it's like to have a new beanie. So yeah, when I do get out, I totally go out of my way to see as many people as possible. For example, I dragged the Beanie to Santa, The Mall, a Wedding, and Second Saturday a few weekends ago, just because I COULD. FYI, it's a good thing PF was in Brazil that weekend because he wouldn't have stood for it. He'd have broken it into a two weekend thing. This crazy double booking con bebe is not the life I was supposed to lead. I need more freedom. If I don't get a car soon, I could become irrevocably awful at parties and social gatherings. Where I step on my tongue and blabber information about my last dump (stealthily done on the phone while talking to someone who would otherwise be offended) or something even more embarrassing while drinking warm rum punch. Which, by the way, led to a conversation on urine samples, and I jumped in with both feet. I'm just thankful not to have started that one. Mulled rum apple punch is good, by the way.

Something has got to give. I've been chomping at the bit and staring at Craigslist looking for 2 bd +dog +cat anywhere a major bus line runs on the grid. I'm going to pick up my aging grandparent's extra car soon down in LA, where they have an extra ancient Volvo, and that will alleviate some of this crazy cabin feverish junk that's clogging my brainstem.

But I tell ya. I have barely noticed that tomorrow is Xmas (well, mainly because I LIVE for TG and Halloween, and Xmas is usually just a bright little multicolored blip on a cold dark night.) Tonight is another xmas party, with more alchol-minded folks, so I will not be noticed if I stomp on my own vocal cords with some dumb conversation dominating story.

The thing is, I know I wasn't THAT bad last night, but I was slightly obnoxious, which for me is like being in High School where I didn't have any social graces at all, and that makes me feel like a freak. I mean, really. My best friend in the whole wide world, Regina, will tell you if you ask "oh yeah, I hated Amelie in HS. She hit people on the back really hard and said "cheerio, muthafucka" and did the splits against a wall during PE in her SCHOOL SKIRT." Which I remember doing, but I think I was joined by others. Anyway. I thought I was over that part of my life because I can cringe about it now.

and there you go. I have to go wrap like a bazillion presents. So much for my decision to only make ornaments this year. I pretty much outspent everyone else, and that's on unemployment insurance that should have been saved for a rainier day. I'm an idiot.

All righty. Ally, I hope you have a lovely trip home with your fam and to everyone else on the planet,

I feel like shite. My right boob is on fire, and I keep nursing/hot compressing it and called the doc for an Rx (but hello, I do NOT want to go in to see anyone about this right now during holiday time. They will tell me something bad, I know it.) I also have a headache and my sinuses are pluggled and drainy at different times during the day. My throat is alternating between just fine and streppy with icky gunky stuff.

I'm zicam-ing like crazy. I just feel like shite.

What's worse is that my baby is perfectly happy being sick. She is phlegmy sounding and coughs (she'll even cough extra just to see if you are paying attention), but she just wants to play all day. ALL DAY. Unless she's napping, and that causes tension due to the fact that if she naps, she doesn't sleep at night.

Ugh.

Okay, so I watched two movies back-to-back last night. I do not recommend these particular movies back-to-back, rather, watch them separately.

The Excorcism of Emily Rose gave The Exorcist a run for it's money. I was jumping and yelping, which is GOOD. Not too terrified, not like I am during The Exorcist when I watch it alone. It was scary in a good scary kind of dready way. I thought, when it came out, that it had the WORST title ever. And it still does. But it gives you a synopsis about what the film is portraying, that's for sure. I probably just like Law and Order way too much for my own good, but I also relished the court scenes. I was like "wtf?" when Ebert and Roper gave it a thumb's up, but there you go. They tend to be right quite often when it comes to meeting my movie needs. So, now I have another scary movie to recommend. The bonus is that you start wondering if it was all true, which I love, because secretly I love the idea of polar opposites fighting it out for eternity, but I guess it was only based on some freaky German girl.

The other movie I watched was Tim Burton's rendition of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, AKA the new version. I liked the old one better; and although I thought Johnny Depp was interesting, he was not Willy Wonka. Johnny Depp was channeling Michael Jackson, which I found more than a little unsettling. I fell asleep during one of the Oompa Loompa songs, and that little Oompa guy is freaky deaky and will haunt my subconscious for a long while. Still, I liked the kids in this one as much as the kids in the Gene Wilder version, and I kept staring at their freakishly green-blue eyes (they all have the same color eyes except Charlie.) The other stuff I liked was that it followed the book and had some background info on the factory and Willy himself. So there you go. I have no idea why they needed to make this film again, except maybe that the orginal Charlie Bucket always made me sick to my stomach because he was so annoying and I wanted to kick him every time he was on screen. It's worth a see, but don't watch it after a demon movie because that's just dumb and you will think you are possessed by Oompa Loompa midgets and have trouble getting to sleep.

So, I went to Zazzle.com to order some last minute xmas cards and personalized stamps. But then I got super discouraged by the price (totally legit prices, but I waited way too long and I don't now how many to order and blah blah blah) so I sat down.

Thought it out.

And decided that specialty card stuff can wait till next year when I'm not so broke and things are better and I'm more organized.

But I did have high quality photo inkjet paper. And I'm experimenting with it right now. So far I've printed the photo I wanted on the wrong side more than once. What a waste of ink. Lordy.

But I managed to do 12 for half of what 10 would have cost me on Zazzle, and I bought cute inoffensive cards.

Maybe I will actually get my shit together and mail everything out before xmas.

With Beanie sick and a serious mastitis type pain occurring in my bosom, it may have to wait until after. Which sucks. But I love all the cards people have sent me this year. Loads of kids and cute things.

With a Beanie in the house, Xmas holidays may actually be MORE fun than the Thanksgiving one I normally so enjoy...

Check out the insanity at the zoo yesterday. The giraffes were going apeshit in their little enclosure. THANK GOD I had my digital camera with which to capture the nuttiness. What would we do without such things?

Beanie did not notice anything except baby Sage and Roanie, who were, I agree, entertaining. The Kampala Cafe rocks, they've redone it. I got a chicken sandwich. They had some fancy pants stuff organized for later, and we peeked through the windows. The only thing was, while I like the new cafe and all, did they not notice the giraffes going insane in their little enclosure? Couldn't the money have been spent, shall we say, more wisely? I dunno. Maybe they got a food-specific grant or something.

I like the Sacramento Zoo. I have two favorite zoos; sacto and santa barbara. Santa Barbara Zoo, while smile, is AMAZING. I hear San Diego ain't too shabby either.

I won't go to circusy things, but I will totally go to zoos. I used to hate the little one at Royer Park in Roseville. I found out they tore it down about 20 years ago, so that's good. I love the Folsom Zoo because it's actually a rescue/rehab organization that trains wildlife rehabbers across the state. But they don't have the caliber of animals available at the Sacramento Zoo. Sacto has parrots, giant African plains beasts, wallaby action, and of course, the lions and tigers. They also have a really nice chimp enclosure (of course, I ain't a chimp, but it seems nice enough to me.) They sure are lovey and cute.

Heckasac recently posted about Heifer International. It was hidden under a still from a yawny Fassbinder movie. You can really buy livestock for needy families around the world. From what I can tell from her posts, everyone is buying bees because they like the buzz. I wonder if they are africanized bees?

My favorite fact about water buffalo is that real mozzarella cheese is made from water buffalo milk. Very few people know that fact and I love to share it. That'll be one Llama for my trouble. I have always, always always always wanted a llama. I have no idea where it comes from. I recently decided (about 3 years ago) that I would settle for a few alpacas. And then very recently (in fact, 2 years ago), I realized how cute miniature donkeys were and started coveting them as well. That would be a good gift for me, by the way. PF, when you come back from peacock bass fishing in the amazonian rain forest, you can take that down as a mental note "Amelie REALLY Needs (adorable) Miniature Donkey. Or two alpacas will suffice in a pinch."

I am going to the zoo today with the ninja clan and hopefully my old friend Amy G, who has a cute little nephew and needs to get him out often or else he apparently tears the walls down. It's foggy out, but I am excited. Beanie has not been to the zoo yet. And all this talk about water buffalo has got me zipping around drinking coffee and thinkin about more random zoological facts. For example, did you know that rabbits eat their night poos (I know from briefly owning a Mr. Bun and his Pellets Of Fun)? And frogs eat their shedded skin? NON? Why am I always the one who has to break this news to people?

Yesterday I had a filling replaced and it took no time at all and I was out drinking coffee numbly and gabbing with friends. About 6 hours later, my entire face started hurting. Now my tooth feels super tender and a poke with the tongue will send me to the moon. I've been trying to keep my face still and drink alternating hot and cold drinks, but the gumline is a shambles. I never had so much trouble with a filled tooth before. He attached (attacked) with some sort of wedge thingamajig that cut my lip until he removed the crank part, and I really feel that's what did the damage. I know it was in place to keep my tooth from cracking, but LORDY! I had no idea it would be hurting so much the next day, and I'm usually not a wimp when it comes to dental treatments. Except the novocaine. I'm a whimperer for the novocaine shot every time. Besides filling my mouth with ucky teething gel, what else can I do to quash the unpleasantness? It really sucks because I can't even eat normally. I have to steam my carrots. That was revolting, by the way.

Thoughtful gifts that would make somebody happy if you are running out of ideas...

For someone you adore (but don't want to marry)This perfume is soooo nice and gentle and sweet and yummy without being cloying and overwhelming. One spritz on the wrist and I am still sniffing it happily hours later. Someone once told me that guys don't know it, but they like food scents. This has proven true time and time again. But it's hard for me to find "food" based scents that I like as well (take it from me, sugar cookie is just disgusting.) And I tend towards spicy, so it's a good thing PF likes my coco chanel and fendi, which are very heavy duty perfumes (translated: not for scentsitive noses.) I think it's going to my best friend in Maryland. I think if she smells yummy, but not too yummy, other moms in her playgroup will want to go out for coffee or something.

For the uppity music aficionado: this collection is just brilliant. I bought it for my dad. I totally lucked out as it's on sale.

For little kids (not babies) I am sooo digging Mindware. Pandabo is my favorite game for little kids (note, it comes with the animal seesaw balance game at Mindware, but you can buy it separately at Chinaberry.

And then for the movie freak, Peter Jackson's Production Diaries for King Kong, combined with the original 1933 film that was released a couple of weeks ago (it's got a totally FASCINATING documentary on the brain behind King Kong, Merion C. Cooper, in the special features), and the King Kong: History of a Movie Icon, would be amazing. Throw in Mighty Joe Young, and your dad will be in monkey heaven.

Okay. I have been trying to ignore a sceaming beanie who has now bumped her head twice on my keyboard and crapped her diaper to get my attention. Poor baby!

No idea. But I have to admit, pictures with Santa are adorable. I do not understand why some parents had their kids in santa outfits, or with little reindeer horns. To me that's just a little much. Plus, the reds always clash, do they not?

Apparently the Gubernator did not grant Tookie clemency. This has so many various shades of lameness, it's hard to describe. But I'm upset; partially due to the fact that a) I am against the death penalty. Without going into details, I can think of WONDERFUL ways to punish people for their crimes against humanity that don't include making some civil servant (whether they are into that sort of thing or not) be responsible for yet another death. b) dude, the gov used to pump iron with this guy in Venice Beach, CA back before he could speak english (har har). What gives? I wouldn't even want my worst enemy dead, much less some weightlifting black man who killed 4 people and started the Crips and then wrote a bunch of children's books renouncing gang culture and supported across the continent for his decency while incarcerated (not that that forgives 4 murders, but hello, it's not like the families of the victims get to hook up the IV.) Anyway. I just think it's wrong to kill people who aren't attacking you or your loved ones in the moment. Because I have a very unpopular opinion, this man is now dead.RIP Stanley Williams.

I have still not heard from the PF, but a call to his work reassured me that they are not worried and I left my phone numbers just in case they hear from anyone in the rainforest. I just keep picturing him dragging piranha from the river and in one dream, a pee fish flew up out of the water and lodged itself inside a peeing weiner, but in the dream it wasn't the PF's so I wasn't too upset.

Yesterday was crazy busy. It started off with an early wake up for Pictures with Santa. I remember doing this when I was little and eating breakfast at Weinstock's and having a mess of roosterish tailed hair and grinning on Santa's lap and telling him what I wanted for Christmas. So, I pulled no stops and dressed the beanie in a green satin dress because it contrasts well with the santa red and provides more festive possibilities than a red xmas dress alone. And the only thing that mars the pictures? Santa is not smiling. WTF? There's my beanie grinning like a madwoman, and Satan couldn't give a shite. Ah well. As soon as the photographer emails me the photo, I'm posting it. She's that cute.

And I double dutied the dress, because we then went to the mall for a lovely wrap job on a wedding present (I tried to do it myself but I think that takes a skill I do not and will never own.) Beanie came to the wedding with me, a big old 1950s styled catholic christmas wedding. So fun. It was interesting because everyone was dressed very traditionally, no arms or backs or shoulders showing, because they were pretty much all tattooed to the hilt and you'd never ever have known it. There was a good mix of people, but weirdly (for me at least), I didn't know a soul except the bride, the groom, vaguely knew the maid of honor, and the Beanie. That was it. And I sat alone at the reception until someone took pity on me, but I was having a good time even so. Great reception! Looked like a fairy lights wonderland underground. Congrats to you both, Tammie and Cris; Tammikins, you looked absolutely beautiful. Like a 50s Fairy Princess. Have a beautiful honeymoon and a happy, long marriage!!

I was going to go home afterwards because Beanie was asleep, but a call to Ally meant if I played my cards right, I might be able to visit with some nice folks before heading home. So, I wandered a few blocks of Second Saturday with those kids (and they all held the Beanie so as to allow me to spend plenty of money at the Buyout Sellout Show...JK.) I often forget how much I love to spend time with people because I'm such a hermit out here in Fair Oaks nowadays. But I really do. I love it. And I love to take my baby around and socialize her at different events, especially since if I wipe her out enough, she sleeps really well all night and takes plenty of naps the next day.

So. People who know me know I'm fascinated by medical and health fitness fads. I'm not talking herbalife, I'm talking intestinal plaque. I'm talking zinc and lysine and vitamin c cocktails (okay, that works for colds and flu by the way, no joke). I'm talking supplements and kombucha tea and balance boards. Yeah, I'm pathetic. But luckily, as long as I'm not drinking (red, red) wine, I can usually stave off the urge to buy.

Now, most of what he says makes sense: moderate excercise, omega 3, blueberries, phytonutrients; all good things, proven over and over in multitudes of studies done over the past half century. But he meshes time honored research with wrinkle prevention and weight loss claims. So, I Tivo'd the KVIE show where they present his lecture and his book series as a premium pledge giveaway. And that's where I caught him and his weird, weird medibabble.

He is presented as a clinical researcher for Yale Medical School. His credentials APPEAR to be impeccable. Over the course of the first section, while breastfeeding my kid and yawning a lot, this is what he said that made me go "hmmm...QUACK!" quackity quack (and he doesn't recommend duck, PF, we're screwed.):

Human beings have a constant level of invisible inflammation that cannot be found by medical science and tests and it causes fattiness, aging and wrinkles. (paraphrased bcause I cannot remember what it was exactly that he said, but this is what he meant.)

Dude.

If it ain't there, it ain't there.

However, his wild salmon eating promotion is a good one (but in moderation, not every day like he seems to suggest thanks to mercury and other heavy metal pollution build up in old deepwater fish) and his superfoods list is pretty common (you can find it in most books, substitute cranberries and blueberries for acai, and you basically have the whole spiel in a nutshell (nuts also being on multiple lists.)

The other ding ding ding went off when he did NOT represent cinnamon as a natural insulin sensitizer (it is used in europe in moderate doses to treat IR and early diabetes 2 and numerous studies here in the US have similar agreable findings: buy stock in sri lankan products now, folks.) And he represented conjugated linoleic acid as a fix for what is commonly called Metabolic Syndrome (aka Syndrome X which is basically heavy people who get heavier and have other associated health concerns.) My own surface research pshawed that statement, basically this particular extra fat as a supplement actually fucks you up more if you are headed towards diabetes. But the jury is still out and what do I know. Anyway.

I'm certain that there are ways of eating that produce weight loss and improved posture and lessen depression, and these superfoods might be one of the ways to achieve these goals, but do not make this guy richer by buying his books or his supplements. I'm a total sucker, I confess, but I think breastfeeding makes me a little smarter by reducing the fat around my brain, so I looked him up first and checked his scam before whipping out my wallet.

On a happier note, I also Tivo'd Kathy Griffin's Allegedly act on Comedy Central (bleeped-out for your convenience), and she's hilarious. I should buy the DVD. I was laughing so hard I peed. Although that's easy lately. Peeing by surprise, I mean.

~Amelie, the girl who once got drunk, watched an infomercial, and bought an electronic abdomnial stimulator (which was used subsequently to torture housemates, thank you very much.)

At 4 AM, PF left for Brazil on a fabulous fishing expedition. He'll be gone for 10 days without Beanie and me. That's a long time. I'm going to miss him. And I'm going to drive his car and kiss his baby and hope he comes back okay. It's scary to say goodbye to someone you share so much with. I never thought I'd be timid about wanting someone to follow their dreams, but I confess I balked a little. In any case, I'm confused about where he'll be. I know it's the Amazon Basin, and that he's flying in to Manaus in a few more hours and I think it's on the Rio Negro, but when I google earthed it, it came up so far from Manaus. And now I'm freaking out about the 6 seater plane he'll be on. I know hurricane season is finally over, but still. Please come back okay PF, I love you. And bring back loads of photos.

Beanie did not miss me at all, this bugs me. It was my first night away from her. She's making up for it now apparently. I have a very cuddly kid.

I plan to be very busy this week to keep my mind out of Manaus. I am going to a surprise birthday for a 7 year old (I got her fake tattoos and a body-stamper marker set and a Junie B. Jones book), then visiting friends, then Pictures With Santa, then a wedding. So, again, I'll be insanely busy and thanking the stars that I'll be busy.

In other news, I need to go shopping for an appropriate top for a skirt I own that I'll wear to the wedding. It is very hard to breastfeed in a one-piece dress, and that's pretty much all I really normally own.

Lately I've been looking craptacular. It's hard to gussy up when you don't work at the present and you are pulling your shirt up every 2 hours. Still, I found some nice stuff at REI (no pants though. they don't make stuff for bellies at REI.) and I'll hit Macy's and some discount places today with the Beanie in tow.

Did I mention I have a cuddly baby? She's sitting up, leaning her head on my right arm, passing gas on my lap and watching me type and sighing contentedly. It's a poop day for her, so she'll be making a number soon enough.

This is PF's favorite picture of her and Seamas, so I'll post it to remind him to come home safe and sound.

Yesterday was so busy, my head spun. And I completely forgot to answer the phones for my Wildlife group on Friday and Saturday, because I was bummed about a couple of things (an acquaintance's suicide) and some other stuff.

The Wake was very nice. His family was so sweet and hurt and sad. PF with tears in his eyes made me sob gently. I had to sit down and feed the beanie and watch little kids playing in the tree in order to get through my weird melancholy. I mean, I didn't even know this poor man, but I am well acquainted with so many of his nearest and dearest and it was hard to watch them in pain. I stood in the garage for awhile with the beanie and sent out my kindest, most healing thoughts into the space and time, I wish he died knowing faintly that he'd be missed because it makes it so much more tragic somehow if he really felt in the depths of his soul that he was alone; He had a great life, very full, lived in the minute. I will never try to understand why some people kill themselves, mental health is a fragile and precious thing, and even for some wonderful people, it is so elusive.

It was hard to leave that group of wonderful people and the PF who were sadly and calmly remembering a well-lived and very short life, and then rushing over to Frantic Ville. The Wildlife Care Association event seems to have been a grand success. I hope we made thousands for the group, and I was so happy to see so many kids and families there. I think we had about 200/250 people in and out. I think 20 of them were from my family. It was hard work and my neck STILL hurts, and Charlie the Crow crapped on my nice shoes (and boy, I have no idea what he's been eating, but it was fowl.) (get it?) and I ran the raffle and it didn't go as well as planned but I sold a ton of tickets. If I ran the world, there would be more delegation and team leaders. But the thing was a smash and the set up clean up crews were amazing. I want to thank everyone who worked on the committee, especially Joyce Childs, who did a fantabulous job organizing us and Linda Zucca, who was a decorating committee all-in-one. Yessirree. And Beanie?? She was a hit as well. People love the Beanie. I wonder if she will really be in Sacramento Magazine with my family? The photographer covering the event didn't like her name at all. It's a very hard name to understand apparently, so we all just call her Beanie and are done with it. But I guess you have to put the actual name in print. Sigh.

So, it was a very full and exasperating day was Sunday. I would like to not have to repeat it for a long while.

And did I mention my neck hurts? It feels like the bones are on fire. I'm probably going to end up in the hospital in traction if I keep with the improper posture.

More sad stuff. Last month it was a freaky gunshooting of a nice dentist in SF who gave the PF and myself a Baby Gap gift certificate that is still on my side table.

This week is all about an old friend of the PF's who sadly took his own life recently. I can't imagine what that must've been like for his family. I didn't know Jim personally, only met him in passing at Dave Smith's Peep Off Wedding, but I know his exwife and his brother and I feel terrible for their loss. There's no way to fix the pain of the people left behind. I think they just have to go numb after awhile and remember all the good, brilliant things about the person. I think that's why I liked Dave's post so much. Lisa's wasn't bad either. Just testament to a tragically brilliant life.

Sewer Trout was recently named in Rolling Stone as one of the most influential Gilman bands of the '80s. PF has the mag and was going to give it to Jim next time he saw him. How sad is this?