The Lunatic Is On The Hill

Ann Romney Worries About Mitt’s Brain Parts If He’s Elected

Ann Romney is just plain baiting the Professional Comedy Industry now, isn’t she? Over the weekend, she said in an interview that if her servo-mechanical partner becomes President, her “biggest concern, obviously, would just be for his mental well-being.” We share Egg’s concerns. No one wants to see the President of 53 Percent of the United States reduced to a clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk, after all.

What the FLOTUS-wannabe actually meant, of course, is that Mitt is simply so super speedy and smart that it goes without saying that mere policy stuff will be a cinch, duh:

“I have all the confidence in the world in his ability, in his decisiveness and his leadership skills, in his understanding of the economy, in his understanding of what’s missing right now in the economy – you know, pieces that are missing to get this jumpstarted,” she continued. “So for me I think it would just be the emotional part of it.”

You see? After he finds his Missing Piece, Mitt will get the economy fixed on Day One, and everything will be ready to go! (He also intends to turn to the Giving Tree* for advice on forest management. Comfortable stumps for all Old People to sit on! Who needs Medicare?)

First Ladies have traditionally taken on projects for improving America. Nancy Reagan ended drug abuse, Laura Bush worked for childhood literacy, Michelle Obama is trying to prevent the conversion of children into huge tubs of lard. It appears that the android’s gal-pal will devote her First Ladyhood to ensuring that Mitt’s precious fee-fees are never hurt, and that the filthy peasants in this country recognize what a precious, precious gift Mitt is giving to us all:

“This is hard and, you know, it’s an important thing that we’re doing right now and it’s an important election and it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”

We seriously hope to help ensure Mr. Romney’s future mental stability. Just as he is willing to sacrifice for us, we are willing to go without his leadership, just to make sure he doesn’t crack up under the strain of trying to govern us.

* Also, may we just briefly mention what a fucked-up, codependent vision of “love” The Giving Tree envisions? If there’s an accomplished art-maker person out there, please email Your Correspondent and we’ll talk about collaborating on a more accurate version, to be titled The Taking Boy (Wonkette Books, 2013).

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).
He loves upvoting your comments but Disqus is broken and his upvotes don't "stick." Just assume he upvoted what you said, because it was excellent and witty.

Well, that doesn't change much. I mean, cats would make horrible presidents…well, maybe besides their introvertedness translating into isolationism as far as wars are concerned, which is something we could use a bit more of.

her servo-mechanical partner becomes President, her “biggest concern, obviously, would just be for his mental well-being.”

I totally agree with her, curiously.

If I wake up Nov 7 and Mitt is elected, I worry about my mental well-being.

TavariousChinaSmith

Perhaps what Egg was thinking of: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall…

FakaktaSouth

Ann's need to describe her sacrifices as so very important gets completely up my ass. She's somehow donating her time to the less fortunate, by walking swiftly past that homeless guy, eyes averted, clutching her handbag trying to figure out how she came to be in such a shitty neighborhood.

prommie

She must use that I-phone maps app like someone I know.

BaldarTFlagass

"by walking swiftly past that homeless guy,"

I can't imagine her actually being a pedestrian in any place that's even within a half-mile radius of a homeless person.

natl_indecency_cmdr

She just wants to ride Rafalca's trainer all day.

I mean ride Rafalca all day.

BaldarTFlagass

♫ I don't want to work
I want to ride on the horse all day
I don't want to play
I just want to look down my nose all day ♪

Steverino247

She came to be in a shitty neighborhood because her husband and others like him looted the economy, leaving only the shit behind. Without capital in the hands of the middle class, nothing gets done, especially home maintenance.

HELisforHEL

This has to be the best description yet of her body language.
I want to hit her across the head with a shovel votes.

Seriously, if Mittens is such a fucking delicate flower then maybe he shouldn't be running for the toughest job in the world or acting like a fucking back seat know it all driver (like he has been in the four years since he lost to crankypants Walnuts.)

Aw Dok — give The Giving Tree a break! I love that story.. It's Missing Piece that fucked up many a relationship to my thinking — as if there's *one* person with just the right shape to "fit" with another to make both's troubles melt away. Pfft — but it was a seductively appealing idea at the time.. as with Richard Bach's soul-matey treatise Bridge Across Forever [And Into Divorce, once the best seller euphoria wore off]

ETA: nevermind that the Missing Piece tale ends about the way it starts. I was a selective reader at the time.

Indiepalin

Unlike Michelle Obama, Ann Romney's mission as FLOTUS will be to lasso private funding in order to tattoo the American Flag on the forehead of every preschooler.

" how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country."

Gah, so she basically thinks we all should be bowing down and thanking Mitt for running for President, and of course he just deserves to have the Presidency handed to him without having to work for it like everything else in his life. What a horrid entitled woman.

That is exactly what she thinks. whereas my opinion is that Mittens has a hell of a nerve running for president based on the claim that he can fix the economy, when it's fat cat sleazeball motherfuckers like him who tanked it in the first place.

Monsieur_Grumpe

I don’t think she needs to worry about Mitt’s mental health. He would need to be a sentient being first.

SoBeach

…to be titled The Taking Boy…

My youngest said exactly the same thing over the weekend. Swear to God. He wants to write a parody of The Giving Tree called The Taking Boy.

Of course, it wouldn't be about Romney or politics or anything like that because he's just a kid. A very, very snarky kid, but just a kid.

I do feel that Apple is apologizing particularly to me, me and my lost ass, driving through the Industrial Hinterlands of Georgia. Thank god for late planes.

prommie

Thank God for planes in general.

vtxmcrider

Especially the new ones with roll-down windows.

Ducksworthy

Just Stop It! (too soon?)

kyeshinka

Can't wait until this is over and Mitty and his darling wife can ride their non-Olympic-medal-winning horsey off a 500 foot cliff and go and live with their Indian Jesus.

vtxmcrider

Rafalca should just stop suddenly and throw them over the edge of the cliff. It saves the life of the innocent horse and the horse exacts revenge for having been forced by those greedy vultures to dance its life away instead of just being a horse.

kyeshinka

I like that idea. After he foists them over, the camera shows a grinning and neighing horse, kind of like in those cheesy Pixar/Disney flicks.

Perhaps she might want to pause and consider that his years-long search for the Presidency might well be evidence of a massive emotional breakdown currently underway?

SorosBot

So what if he's running for President to deal with his daddy issues; I mean it's not like we recently got over eight years with a President who ran for the office for the exact same reason and he turned out to be a monumental disaster or anything.

RevJuanMessycan

It's okay, little Eggy, Mitt also worries about your big mouth if he gets elected.
In other news, thank you for linking to Powell's Bookstore, my home away from home. (Who am I kidding, it's my only home, unless you count the Cardboard Condo's on Burnside.)

sbj1964

Ann's biggest concern is that the White House dose not even have a car elevator,or a horse stable,and it's in a bad neighborhood.

CommieDad

4 years ago Barack was 47, young, healthy, and vibrant. Now he makes John Mcain look young. So, of course she is worried about her mittens.

BaldarTFlagass

"it is time for all Americans to realize… how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.”

Thanks for pointing this out.

*Animal House sneeze* Blowjob! Eat me!

FakaktaSouth

Really smart fat homeless people camp out in front of places where ladies who lunch do their thing. I have seen this with my own eyes. It's a smart plan if one is not afraid of the stilettos of bustling herds. Seriously, women who eat in large groups can be massive, like buffalo.

zumpie

Hey, Mittens might like to employ some of those homeless people on his campaign! They're clearly better at strategizing than his current collection of clowns.

Well, you do have to consider what her definition of "past" is, and does it include surrounding counties.

YouBetcha

No, Ann. There is absolutely nothing whatsover you could say or do that would result in the rest of us mustering up even an ounce of sympathy for you or your husband's privileged, pampered, rarefied asses. Don't even bother trying anymore, it's a waste of breath.

First Ladies have traditionally taken on projects for improving America. Nancy Reagan ended drug abuse, Laura Bush worked for childhood literacy, Michelle Obama is trying to prevent the conversion of children into huge tubs of lard.

Hillary munched laid carpet.

emmelemm

Yes, goodness knows there is no longer any drug abuse since Nancy Reagan's crusade on it.

Estproph

In all seriousness, she just gave us the best reason to never vote for Romney, didn't she? What if he gets elected and begins to believe he's Napoleon?

If he becomes President? Why wait to worry then? His problems obviously date back to Cranbrook.

magic_titty

So Mitt Romney is a composite of the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion; brainless, heartless, spineless?

Who gets to be Dorothy? Still Lindsey Graham?

HELisforHEL

Lindsey would cry tears of joy to don the red rubies.

chicken_thief

I four won wood jes like to thnks to Lora Boosh. Shee chainged my life four so mush better now thankz Lora!

barto

Yes, Ann, I ran over a piece of the missing economy just this morning – it's called a POTHOLE. Why is it missing? Because asshats like your husband refuse to fund the economy to fill the goddam things.

BaldarTFlagass

"Nancy Reagan ended drug abuse."

Wanna bet? *hits bong*

Nesnora

She should be worried— FLOTUS will be having champagne-laced sweaty celebratory sex on election night more emotional than all the sex in her lifetime and she'll have…

From my personal experience I can assure you CEO’s as a group are incapable of dealing with criticism. The good one can handle being given a different point of view but they are all used to having the power to remove anyone with strongly held conflicting views.

RevJuanMessycan

Mormons are also known to use that playbook…

HELisforHEL

Exactly (and yes to the Rev's comment, too). Why do people keep insisting that we 'need' a CEO in office when most CEOs are douchebags of the highest order who surround themselves with sychophants that would put Smithers to shame?

Corporate environments are horrid, soulless places where creative thought and inspiration are regularly left to die on the vine and groupthink is hailed and expected…oh wait, that sounds like a Mormon paradise.

bikerlaureate

The problem with W, apparently, is that he never was a CEO.
(Chairman of Spectrum 7, member of the board of directors of HKN, and then "managing general partner" of the Rangers.)

I had intended to make a joke about CEO skills and the presidency, but now I just want to reformat my PC and get all traces of W's Wikipedia entry scrubbed clean…

DustBowlBlues

Help! My computer just gives me the weird cartoon thingies instead of avatars and I need to comment on this anonymously. Is anyone else having wonkette problems, or did ATT make a deal with the devil who poses as Jeebus in the Bible Belt and now scrambles the wonket so we can’t read it here in the no-information-voter zone.

retarded_baboon

Um when did bronies take over teh Wonketz?

Calapine

Are you saying you don't like ponies?!

Negropolis

Shut up, that's when!

SwanSwanH

I hope he's not eaten by a boa constrictor.

vtxmcrider

Why?

zippy_w_pinhead

She's just worried someone will utter the words "Cirrus, Socrates, particle, decibel, hurricane, dolphin, tulip" and he'll wander into the forest to try to discover his humanity…

HELisforHEL

Thank you for the Wizard of Oz reference.
Mittbot apparently didn't return with the broom, so alas, no heart.