Hello,
I need help.
Mutual friends had introduced my GF last year in April, we hit it off and have been very serious and strong for a year.
Now... My GF has a 18 yr boy and 16 yr girl, Her Ex....their Dad ...died of a self inflicted gun shot on June 12 last year. She was with him 17 years and filed divorce twice and never went through with it. She was living in an apartment for a year before we met.
She took care of the funeral and had cleaners fix and clean the house,she also seen the crime scene and took over where his business left off ect. ect. ect. I admired her for her strength and the way she handled things,she helped her kids through this...its been a rough road on the daughter.
I haven't mentioned yet the whole marriage was unhappy very abuseful and draining,shes had broken bones,bloody kids ect. ect. from her husband who suffers from alcohol and drug use. This last Memorial weekend she has gotten distant from me and friends, she says she's having a hard time with it,I believe the shock is gone and her kids are on their feet and she is finally starting to grieve,her son graduates this week and she is sad, sad at any milestone for her kids, I can understand.
What Im struggling with is I usually hear from her everyday and this week only once all week,ive left her alone to have some space. I feel like the ex is getting all the honor and respect, I feel slightly betrayed and backstabbed, I just learned (through a friend)that she finally bought a bench for his grave site and it has her name on it too!! she told the mutual friend that she wants to be buried next to the kids father.
I was devastated when I heard this,she does not know that I know,How can I have a future with this person when I know this info,I have nothing to look forward too.
I don't know whether to bolt or try to tough this out,I don't know what to do, She is an amazing person but cant believe that ive been treated like this the last week.
thank you for your help in advance.

And if I stay by her side how do I get her help? She's gotta have post tramatic stress.

People have their own feelings that don't involve anyone else. In a relationship, you have to respect that, because whatever they value in memory for someone else, is something that might apply to you too. Expecting someone to have no emotional history or sense of family (even if you think it's flawed and should be forgotten) isn't realistic. It takes grace to accept that even if you are the center of someone's current universe, someone else may have been the center of it in the past. People deal with past, present, future concepts of time differently. It's a very unique experience. You have to realize that the way you experience the past may not be the way your GF does, or her kids. Imagine being given the impression by one parent or a group of people that your father should be forgotten and ignored and maybe even disrespected just because he was flawed. Kids are very tied to their roots. They may even worry that they might grow up to have the same tendencies as their dad. Staying close to his memory is important, to know that it's manageable, and not some experience that has to be swept under the carpet. They need to know, all of them, that their past, their life, and especially her choices, while not entirely healthy, are not shameful or dishonest either. You may be relieved that the guy is gone, but he's not going to be forgotten, so why pretend or request otherwise.

My father committed suicide when I was 17. Yes he could be angry at times. He could even be physically and emotionally abusive. But there were times when he was uniquely my dad. If I get rid of all of the bad memories, I have to get rid of the good. So I never got rid of either. There are plenty of people who took his place in terms of fatherly duties, some of them did well, others had major issues...nobody is perfect. But to sweep my dad under the carpet is like saying he shouldn't have existed and therefore someone else should have been my dad, and I would have been better off. I think that's bunk! And completely theoretical. You can't change the past. And forgetting it is impossible either.

What Im struggling with is I usually hear from her everyday and this week only once all week,ive left her alone to have some space. I feel like the ex is getting all the honor and respect, I feel slightly betrayed and backstabbed, I just learned (through a friend)that she finally bought a bench for his grave site and it has her name on it too!! she told the mutual friend that she wants to be buried next to the kids father.
I was devastated when I heard this,she does not know that I know,How can I have a future with this person when I know this info,I have nothing to look forward too.
I don't know whether to bolt or try to tough this out,I don't know what to do, She is an amazing person but cant believe that ive been treated like this the last week.

Hi #1Dad,

I think you are right with your feelings about this. I understand she was still married to him? That means you are the Other Man, to the family?

She at least does not take you serious, she is not with you grieving about him, so the two of you are missing the most deep level of communication and intimacy in your relation: That of grief, when you have to be alone in that, what good is your relation anyway??

You need to explain the kind of relation she has with you, and the one you have with her.

Does she feel left alone by you in these heavy circumstances, or did she feel the need to be alone.

How old are the two of you? What is your relation history? What are your common interests?

Death tends to elevate people, and she's probably rewriting her history with him to be more favorable now that he's gone. This will turn into her own little fantasy, the one true love that took his life, and you are never going to be able to compete with it. Death does that, heck even many artists didn't become famous until they died. She probably wasn't ready to be dating on the first place. Cut your losses and move on.Posted via Mobile Device

I just got done talking with her,she said this week has been very hard,the anniversary of his death is coming up and sons graduation,She feels a lot of guilt.She has been praying with the pastor this week. Shes had a lot of mixed feelings,she has bad dreams. We had small talk and I reassured her that shes in my thoughts and prayers. We've never had comm problems till this week but its understandable. I don't know how to feel about the her name on the grave site,im going to have to ponder that,its not a jealousy thing but more of a sacred thing to me,the guy who hopefully is at her side till we die.
I just know that I would want to be buried next to the woman who has my heart, I would NEVER consider being next to MY kids' Mother

I asked her to talk to me if she has irrational thoughts and odd mood swings,I told her im going to be keeping an eye on her... she said"thats good!"

And she thanked me for the space I gave her this week.
We both agree that she has PTSD,I mean she seen the blood ,teeth,scull pieces all over the house. She moved back in the house after the cleaners finished and weeks to months later she would find a piece of him.....

So bottom line is im going to stand by her even if I feel pushed away or not getting all my needs ,we are best friends and I love her .
I have to get over my worrys and anxiety in this situation and not be defensive.

Oh and she's gone to one grief camp with her daughter.
She has seen her dr about different anti-depressants,
As far as I know she hasn't seen anyone about PTSD

Nothing elevates people to sainthood quite like being dead and I believe this is especially so when they were taken suddenly. She was with the guy 17 years, birthed two kids for him, suffered broken bones for him, etc. If one called her "codependent", they wouldn't be taking liberties. As rotten as the guy was, he was her guy and his drama occupied a huge segment of her life. If she didn't feel a sense of loss at his death, she wouldn't be operating as a normal human being.
She's mourning and we all do that in our own way and rationality has little to do with it. The up-side of this coin is two-fold. Your girlfriend is obviously capable of tremendous devotion. You might find her devotion to you quite handy in the future. Secondly, if you ever did have a rival, you know he aint going to be calling, texting, writing, or sneaking around with her. Bless his decomposing heart, he set the bar very low. If he could extract love and devotion from your wife with his sorry, abusive character, imagine what a decent guy might get.

Her husband cheated on her a lot and even at the workplace where they both worked, she never considered straying, she is a very loyal woman, She's tried to work things out more than any else I know. she's a trooper, but she also was scared to death, her and her children had to hide a lot when he would come home. She has not ever mentioned or suggested cutting ties with me even after the stress that she has endoured over the year. Its been hard, Ive never gone through anything like this and I have a lot of mixed feeling and worries. I just hope "good things happen to those who wait" comes true!
I love her and I treat her like a queen!

It's a touchy subject indeed; but even as crazy as my ex was there are parts of her that I did really love - and still do, so if she ever died I would be very upset at hearing that news and would need some time to grieve and hopefully my wife would understand. Because if her ex boyfriend died I would definitely be understanding if she needed time to grieve over it.

Her husband cheated on her a lot and even at the workplace where they both worked, she never considered straying, she is a very loyal woman, She's tried to work things out more than any else I know. she's a trooper, but she also was scared to death, her and her children had to hide a lot when he would come home. She has not ever mentioned or suggested cutting ties with me even after the stress that she has endoured over the year. Its been hard, Ive never gone through anything like this and I have a lot of mixed feeling and worries. I just hope "good things happen to those who wait" comes true!
I love her and I treat her like a queen!

As a precaution you could read No More Mr Nice Guy to begin with. To prevent a situation where she would cheat on you because the somewhere likes the Bad Guy type because of the typical Bad Guy traits. You would not want to find yourself in a situation like so many here where you find yourself the 'friend' but not the lover.

any particular author??? I googled it and there's a million books about that.
I have often thought about that statement "nice guys finish last" I am blind to be takin advantage of sometimes , I think im just very easy going and I don't try to sweat the small stuff.

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