Return of the Daily Smile

October 22nd, 2006, 00:52

Today's pick :

Some years back…

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy…

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on; very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, utter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.

A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter him in a race.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep the the Preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. The donkey came in third. The next day, the daily racing form carried the headline: "Preachers Ass Shows."

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again. This time he won. The form read: "Preacher's Ass Out in Front."

The Bishops were so upset with the kind of publicity that the ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day read: "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass."

This was simply too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the donkey. The Preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent. The next headline read: "Nun has Best Ass in Town."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10. The next day the paper headline read: "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks."

They buried the Bishop the next day. The final headline read: "Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop's Death."

— Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
Dallas Cowboys: Great Season! / / Detroit Red Wings: Another rollercoaster this year?

My friend Tina (the sporty type, with very short hair) teaches at an elementary school. Last week a new kid asked her:
"Who are you?"
"I'm Ms. B., your teacher."
"Are you a man or a woman?"
"A woman."
"Do you have breasts?"
"Yeees."
"Will you bring them with you tomorrow?"

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:….. $29.99
Clinton:….. $29.99

Titanic:….. Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:….. Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:….. The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.
Clinton:….. The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and ensuing catastrophe.

Titanic:….. Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:….. Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:….. In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:….. Ditto for Bill.

Would a troll cut travelers some slack if they figured out that you could actually just wade through the river to the other side? I mean you can see the troll under the bridge.. its RIGHT THERE. You know its there, it knows you are there, you both know that other knows that you are there.

traveler: "umm troll?"
troll: "…"
traveler: "don't pretend you aren't there. Im looking right at you"
troll: "im a rock"
traveler: "rocks dont talk"
troll: "doh"
traveler: "yeah.. anyways can i cross this bridge?"
troll: "if you want"
traveler: "just like that?"
troll: "well if you try i'll eat you"
traveler: "ah, i figured as much. what if I pay you?"
troll: "i could get the money anyways if i eat you. You cant bribe me"
traveler: "hmm… and if i just cross the river here to the left of the bridge?"
troll: "hmm… I suppose you could try that. If the current pushes you under the bridge though, i'll eat you."
traveler: "fair enough.. hey wait.. what if i cross here to the right, downstream?"
troll: "hmm.. actually I hadn't thought of that. Hang on lemme check my guide"
*pulls out the bridge trolls handbook and begins to thumb through*
troll: "hmm… demons.. dervishes… dinturans.. dragons… hmm… the handbook doesn't seem to cover anything about downstream"
traveler: "so i could cross downstream?"
troll: "oh, heres something under C for chasing.. bleh, Im not chasing anyone downstream"
traveler: "so you are an unmotivated troll?"
troll: "ah dont get me started…"
traveler: "well ok, Ill cross over there then. Good luck with the bridge thing"
troll: "alright.. try not to splash too much though. Im gonna take a nap"