Gaffer Gets a Fan Fic

This story is dedicated to the memory of Jerry Nelson (though none of his characters will be particularly prominient in this story).

Chapter 1

Kermit went on-stage to introduce yet another installment of The Muppet Show.

“Welcome again to The Muppet Show. Usually we have a special guest star, but unfortunately tonight we don’t. But to make up for that, here is something we usually do have, an opening number!”

The curtain raised and three whatnot thugs sang “Private Eyes”. The three thugs sang and after each verse each thug turned their heads to the side in a suspicious manner. And then their number got interrupted by a chase between Gaffer and Rizzo.

“Hey! Good kitty, go away, kitty!”, yelled Rizzo.

One of the thugs grabbed Rizzo by the neck, another grabbed Gaffer by the neck.

“Hey!”, said the thug who grabbed Gaffer by the neck, “you two are ruining our song!”

Gaffer proceeded to very violently scratch the thug, making him run from Gaffer, screaming.

“Private eyes may be watching you”, said Statler.

“But we’re not!”, said Waldorf.

Sam the Eagle came on-stage.

“That opening number had an accident”, said Sam, “but how can two numbers in a row have an accident? Considering that, here is the most cultural act we could get, Wayne and Wanda!”

The curtains raised and the duo began singing “Day by Day”.

Then Gaffer came on-stage, hissing at them.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?”, asked Wayne.

Gaffer continued hissing.

“What does this song have to do with a cat hissing?”, asked Wanda.

Gaffer gave them an angry meow, and then bit Wayne on the hand.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!”

“I’m leaving the stage before I get injured”, said Wanda.

Gaffer proceeded to jump at Wanda, pushing her off the stage.

Backstage…

“That crazy cat has been acting strange all evening”, said Kermit, “maybe I should bring on something that cat can’t possibly ruin. Gonzo, you’re on next!”

Kermit came on-stage.

“And now here’s The Great G….”

Gaffer came up and started rubbing it’s head against Kermit.

“Hey, I’m making trying to make an introduction here!”

“Meow!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!”

Gonzo had quite the set-up. A big J-shaped ramp, Gonzo was on the very high end, on a skateboard.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, I will skateboard down this ramp, fly up in the air, and land back here on my head! All this to the music of Mozart! Music, please!”

And some Mozart music played as Gonzo skateboarded down the loop. He went up in the air, but when he was about to land, Gaffer was laying on his spot.

“Hey, cat, go away!”, said Gonzo.

Gonzo landed on Gaffer and the whole set-up collapsed.

“I wish I could take a break from playing the piano”, said Rowlf, “I’m missing out on chasing the cat!”

“Hey, will somebody throw that cat out of the theater?”, yelled Kermit.

Gaffer then got thrown out of the theater, into a dumpster.

“And stay out, you worthless cat!”, yelled the deep-voiced stagehand.

Gaffer peeked out the dumpster at the theater, looking sad. Gaffer crawled out of the dumpster and went to the stage door, scratching at the door and meowing sadly.

Two cats who were watching approached Gaffer. One was a short (though still taller than Gaffer, about Rowlf’s size), fat cat with his right arm in a sling, the other was a taller, slim cat on stilts.

“Well, once again the Muppets throw out an innocent cat that hangs around the theater”, said the fat cat.

“This has been happening for a long time”, said the tall cat.

“So what’s your name?”, asked the fat cat.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“Hello, Gaffer”, said the fat cat, “I’m Olive, and this is Bad Breath.”

Olive, Bad Breath, and Gaffer were all seated around a fire at a junkyard.

“Believe it or not, Gaffer, the Muppet Theater has had many cats who hung around and got kicked out”, said Olive.

“Meow?”, said Gaffer.

“Who’s Catgut?”, said Olive.

“I remember when I was part of the theater”, said Bad Breath, I hung out in the canteen, eating the food. But they didn’t like me eating their food, and also hated my breath. The Swedish Chef almost cooked me once, or was it twice?”

“I was there before Bad Breath was”, said Olive, “I hung out in the prop room, but got kicked out for playing with the props too much. I may have damaged important props and set pieces, but I’ve got to be me.”

Gaffer meowed in agreement.

“We’ve even heard the legend of one cat who hung out at the Muppet Theater many years ago”, said Olive, “He was called Metallic. The Muppets tolerated Metallic, but then Dr. Bunsen Honeydew used him in an experiment, his behavior went bonkers, and he refused to be kicked out.”

“To the point where he supposedly vaporized himself!”, said Bad Breath.

“And it’s rumored that Metallic faked his own death and is still around, just waiting to get revenge on the Muppets”, said Olive.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“What do you mean you’ve never heard this legend?”, asked Olive.

“Say, Olive”, said Bad Breath, “maybe we could all work together and get revenge on the Muppets ourselves.”

“Nah”, said Olive, “If Metallic is indeed still alive plotting to destroy the Muppets, he might kill us for beating him to the glory.”

“How did I, the host of the show, end up with garbage duty?”, asked Kermit.

“Scooter’s uncle owns the theater”, said Beauregard.

“Oh, right”, said Kermit.

They then saw Statler and Waldorf tied up in the alley.

“Hey, what’s going on?”, said Kermit.

“Looks like they’re tied up”, said Beauregard.

“I can see that”, said Kermit, “but I saw them up in the balcony.”

Fozzie then came out.

“Hey, I’ve got a great j…..”, Fozzie then saw the two tied up, “So that explains why they didn’t heckle my act.”

“It explains why they didn’t heckle any of tonight’s acts at all”, said Kermit, “Send security to check on the impostors.”

Meanwhile, the impostors were enjoying the show.

“This is so enjoyable”, said Bad Breath, “I can’t remember why we came here.”

“Me, neither”, said Olive, “but I’m having a great time!”

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“Oh, yeah”, said Olive, “that’s why we came.”

Bobo then showed up behind them.

“Excuse me”, said Bobo, “I’m gonna have to investigate you all.”

“The jig is up!”, said a shocked Olive, “Jump and run!”

They all jumped out of the balcony.

“Hmm, they must be cats”, said Bobo, “they landed on their feet.”

Soon, they were back at the junkyard.

“Phew!”, said Olive, “I was sure we’d get thrown out and beaten.”

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“I know we cowarded out before anyone could catch us”, said Olive, “we are scaredy cats after all.”

They walked by what looked like a cave made of trash piles.

“Oh, this junkyard is starting to smell bad”, said Bad Breath.

“It’s not the junkyard”, said Olive, “it’s your breath.”

Just then a pair of eyes opened up in the darkness of the trash cave.

“It’s time!”, said the figure in the dark, possessing a deep voice.

“Wh… Who are you?”, asked Bad Breath, starting to become scared.

“I assume you have heard the legend of the cat named Metallic”, said the figure.

“Yeah”, said Bad Breath, “what’s your point?”

“My point is that you have bad breath, Bad Breath”, said the figure.

“It’s true”, said Olive.

“Good thing my condition prevents me from being able to smell it”, said the figure.

“So who are you, anyway?”, asked Olive.

“I am Metallic!”, said the figure.

“Metallic?”, said Olive, “I…. I thought you were dead.”

“I guess those rumors of him faking his death were true”, said Bad Breath.

“Meow”, said Gaffer.

“It is only partially true”, said Metallic.

“What do you mean?”, asked Olive.

Metallic slowly walked out of the cave, if this was visual we’d only see his shadow at this point.

“I was a resident of the Muppet Theater. They treated me well. But then one day they hired a scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. He needed a test subject who wasn’t him, and everybody else was too smart to volunteer. So he volunteered me, the slowest resident at the time.”

“You still seem to be slow”, said Bad Breath.

“I did a number of groundbreaking tests, and they didn’t raise my food”, said Metallic. But those experiments made me go from a slow mild-mannered cat to a crazy psycho kitty. Eventually, my psychotic tendencies became too much, even for the Muppets. They decided to get rid of me, but they couldn’t catch me. But given how demented my brain had become, I foolishly stepped into one of Dr. Honeydew’s inventions, an electronic vaporizing wave. My whole body was vaporized, except for my brain. They threw it all away, unaware that the scientific testing I had done caused my brain to gain sentience, putting my soul into my brain and giving it the ability to crawl, jump, and provide superb motor skills.”

If this was visual we’d now see Metallic at this point, revealing him to be a big robotic cat, with the brain on top in a see-through container just above the head.

“Even as a brain, I had become able to build. So I went to this junkyard, looking for metal parts, eventually building a new body for myself. I put all the proper controls into the head, which my brain presses to control this robotic body. Unfortunately, with this being a junkyard, my parts move slowly.”

Metallic then slowly moved his arms to prove a point.

“I have barely even perfected the rocket power”, said Metallic, who proceeded to blast up…. Only to blast very slowly. The blast feature turned off and he fell to the ground, landing on his feet.

“That’s amazing”, said Olive.

“Thankfully, my voice box can give this robot a real intimidating voice, as opposed to a typical robotic voice. Comes in handy when I need to surprise people with what I am now.”

“You sure surprised me”, said Bad Breath.

“And I have trained a large herd of cats to attack the Muppets”, said Metallic.

Then several cats had surrounded Gaffer, Olive, Bad Breath, and Metallic.

“So, you’ve been with the Muppets that long, huh?”, said Metallic, as he pet Gaffer.

“I bet you’ve never been pet by a robot before, not that I can feel your fur. But now let’s talk business. While this robotic cat body is good, I want a real cat body. And you seem to have the right body for me.”

Gaffer stopped purring and gave a confused look on Gaffer’s face.

Metallic grabbed Gaffer by the neck and picked Gaffer up.

“You see, the real reason I stayed behind and asked you to stay here with me is so I could cut your brain out of your heard and put my brain inside your head.”

Metallic’s chest opened and a razor-sharp spinning wheel came out, spinning very fast.

Gaffer tried Scratching Metallic’s hand.

“Nice try”, said Metallic, “but I can’t feel your scratches.”

The spinning wheel came closer to Gaffer’s head, Gaffer showing fear. But then the wheel stopped.

“Stupid rust”, said Metallic, who began squirting oil out his mouth and onto the wheel. During this time, Gaffer pulled Metallic’s hand off and ran away.

“Ha!”, said Metallic, “you may think I am so slow you can outrun me, but I faked my slow-ness.”

Just then roller skate wheels popped out from under Metallic’s feet and then a rocket-powered blast came from behind the feet, making him skate quite fast.

“I’m going to get you, Gaffer!”, said Metallic, who started to zap lasers at Gaffer out of his eyes, though he kept barely missing Gaffer.

“You can’t run forever!”, said Metallic, who then remembered, “Wait a minute. I don’t need to chase you. The part of my arm where the hand broke off also doubles as a vacuum.”

Aiming his arm at Gaffer, Metallic started sucking things in. All kinds of small trash was sucked in, as Gaffer struggled to run farther, eventually grabbing onto a fire hydrant. Gaffer then got sucked away, having held on strongly to the side door of the hydrant… Causing water to gush in Metallic’s direction, covering him in water and electrocuting him.

“Oh no!”, said Metallic.

Gaffer got away from him, and Metallic was suddenly no longer in motion, though the brain was struggling to get out. The robot fell backwards, and Gaffer jumped into a construction section of the junkyard, pushing a button which released a net that happened to be underneath where Metallic had fallen.

The other cats then made it back to the junkyard, carrying the Muppets in many bags and taking them to a warehouse in the junkyard.

“For once you did a smart thing, Bad Breath”, said Olive.

“I know, of course”, said Bad Breath.

“What should we do with all these bags?”, asked one of the cats.

“Well, we’ll put one bag of characters at a time into the death trap”, said Olive, “I’ll throw my sack of Muppets in first.”

The other cats dropped their bags outside and Olive brought his bag in.

“Bad Breath, get behind the control panel”, said Olive, as he untied the bag and threw the Muppets into a net, “Now bring them up!”

Bad Breath pulled a lever, sending the net higher in the sky.

“Oh, no”, said Fozzie, “what are we going to do.”

“I don’t know”, said Kermit.

“But we’re all in this together”, said Bunsen.

They all gave Bunsen awkward looks.

The net then moved to the side and over a big pool with spinning knives inside.

“Okay, Bad Breath, push the yellow button!”

“Which one’s the yellow button?”

“This one is”, said Olive, who pressed the button, which made the net lower at a very slow rate while the spinning knives were turned on.

“We must honor the ancient tradition of using slow death traps”, said Olive.

But then one-by-one Olive, Bad Breath, and the other cats were being sucked away. Gaffer had turned on a large powerful vacuum device, sucking each cat into there, and then turning it off after each cat was in.

“Way to go, Gaffer!”, said Scooter.

“Mee mee mee!”, said Beaker.

“Abotively posolutley”, said Dr. Teeth.

Gaffer than ran to the control panel to rescue the Muppets. Gaffer pressed the blue button, which turned the whole thing off.

“Good job, Gaffer!”, said Kermit.

“It feels embarrassing being rescued by a cat”, said Rowlf.

Gaffer pressed the yellow button, lowering them again.

“No, no!”, cried Rowlf, “I was only kidding!”

Gaffer again pushed the blue button, and then moved the net from the side. Gaffer then pushed the red button, which dropped the net.

“We’re free!”, said Miss Piggy.

“And we escaped, too!”, said Fozzie.

“Like, let’s get out of here”, said Janice.

“Easier said than done”, said Metallic, suddenly showing up and blocking the only exit.

“MEOW!!!!!”, said Gaffer, angrily.

“Oh, I had it so that water only affects my material very temporarily”, said Metallic, “I was free to escape within a minute!”

“Wait, Metallic?”, said Bunsen, “THE same metallic who got vaporized…”

“Yes, the same one!”, said Metallic, “I guess I don’t need to explain why I need to destroy you!”

“But, uh, could you please call the whole thing off?”, said Kermit.

Everyone agreed.

“No can do”, said Metallic, who then blasted fire out of his nose, setting the place on fire.

“Have a hot time!”, said Metallic, who then got away by blasting the head of the robot off like a rocket, “I also purposely left out the fact that this head can fly separately and better than the whole robot.”