ASK AMY: Family struggles explaining divorce to young children

Dear Amy: I am the grandmother of three children (3-year-old twins, and a 5-year-old).

My son and his wife are divorcing after nine years of marriage.

The children haven’t been told yet. Could you recommend a book that we can read to guide us when we let them know? The parents are both good people. They both adore their kids.

My son was just told by his wife that she doesn’t want to be married anymore.

My husband and I have a very good relationship with our daughter-in-law. She’s a wonderful mother.

Thank you for your advice.

— Worried Gran

Dear Gran: Divorce happens in a series of stages, and with children this young, their understanding of what is happening to their family will also happen in stages. They are all lucky to have your involvement and support; your household is the one place where these children are not likely to see any extreme changes. Continue to offer them love and stability — and lots and lots of hugs.

Divorce profoundly affects children, and anyone who tells you that kids “roll with the punches” is blind to the depth of a child’s emotions. All of the adults involved should always put the children first. A “good” divorce will not traumatize the children. A “bad” divorce could.

Read this book, and give a copy to your son and his wife: “The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive,” by Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. (2004, Viking).

There are a number of books written for children to try to help them through the bumpy passage of separation, divorce or loss. I like “Sun Kisses, Moon Hugs,” by Susan Schaefer Bernardo and Courtenay Fletcher (2017, Inner Flower Child Books). This lovely picture book encourages children to explore the nature of love. The message is: “No matter how far apart we are, I will always find a way to tell you I love you.” Have tissues handy; this sweet and poignant message will resonate deeply with everyone.

Dear Amy: I am torn over my son’s request for money to pay his bills. He is out of work.

I have repeatedly loaned him money in the past, which was not repaid, and so I am reluctant to continue this pattern.

I am retired now, and on a fixed income. It is difficult for me to pay my bills, sometimes — not to mention his.

I feel guilt over not helping him, and wonder how I can get rid of this guilt and help him to understand that I am not able to help him financially.

Can you help me?

— Loving Mother

Dear Mother: Let’s explore the concept of “help.” So far, your financial help might have contributed to your son’s poor financial or work habits. If he knows he can always hit you up for money, he will be less inclined to accept a job offer if he feels it’s too lowly, or stay in a job after a bad day.

Guilt is the engine that drives this dynamic, and if your son is able-bodied, he should be expending his energy finding work, rather than hitting up his mom for cash.

Managing your guilt is your responsibility. If you have something real to feel guilty about, then do what you can to make it right. If you can transform your guilt into motherly love and concern, then you can love him through this without enabling him.

As of this writing, the unemployment rate is a low 3.9 percent. If you son is unskilled, he should look in the service sector, and piece together whatever jobs he can.

It is not actually all that important for your son to understand that you can’t give him money. He won’t understand this until he actually experiences it.

Your message to him should be: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you any more money. I watched you struggle to walk when you were a toddler, but you eventually did it. I know you’re struggling now, but you can do it.”

Dear Amy: “Torn” described herself as a mother who was struggling with the decision to leave her adolescent sons with their father and move with her boyfriend to another state. Thank you, thank you, for telling her in such strong terms not to leave her children behind! The fact that her guy wants her to do this is waving such a big red flag!

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