Anecdotes of a Hotel Night Auditor

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Luggage Carts Are Also Drunk People Movers

It was 1:00 am when two guys walked into the dining room to get tea. Only one of them wanted the tea; the other man was drinking beer. I showed them where they could find the tea and hot water, then I returned to my work. “Where do you have more beer?” asked the drunk man.

“I don’t have any beer because we don’t sell beer here.”

“No, I mean, where can I get more beer?”

“Your best bet would be a gas station, but you probably shouldn’t drive.”

“You just tell me how to get there, and I will worry about how I get there.”

“I believe it would be irresponsible of me to do that. If you drive, you will be putting your safety, and the safety of others in danger.” There was a moment of silence. He stared at me while he worked on his response. At least I think he was working on a response. For all I know he was just experiencing a brief blackout. Eventually, he blinked a bunch of times, and he was back.

“You’re gonna tell me where to go, okay?” It was at that moment that his hand drop his beer; it landed on the floor, spilling his beer on the dining room carpet. “Oops.” He said as he watched the carpet absorb the beer.

“It’s all good. I got this. You should go to bed. I’m sure you probably have a big day ahead of you.” I picked up the bottle and put it in the kitchen. I returned with rags to absorb the beer with, and the drunk guy was standing in the lobby. His friend was leaning against the coffee and tea counter.

“You should switch to green tea. It’s good for you, and keeps your insides detoxed.” Said tea-guy. The drunk guy stood in the lobby with his mouth hanging open, and he was looking at me.

“Hey… dude.” He said. “What are you doing… like, right now?”

“I’m cleaning the beer that you spilled on this carpet.” I replied.

“You can do that later. I need a ride.”

“I don’t have a ride for you.” I said. Tea-guy found the situation entertaining.

“Hey, maybe he wants a piggyback ride.” He said.

“How are you helping this situation?” I asked.

“I’m not trying to help. I just think it’s funny.” He said. The drunk guy tossed his arms towards the ceiling, and let them drop to his waist.

“I’m waiting, dude.” He said.

“Listen, I’m not leaving work to drive you to the store for beer. You’re done for the night.”

“I’ll tell you when I am done when I’m done.” He said while pointing an unsteady finger in my general direction. Tea-guy let out a short chuckle.

“Hey, you should just get the shuttle.” Said tea-guy.

“Yeah… Get me the shuttle…” Said drunk-guy.

“The shuttle isn’t available.” I said.

“Your website says you have a shuttle.” Said tea-guy, who was having fun stirring the pot.

“Well?” Asked drunk-guy.

“Well, what? Our shuttle is for the airport, and we don’t have a driver at the moment. Sorry, guy, but it’s time for you to call it a night.” I said. Drunk-guy stumbled over the lobby couch and dropped himself on it like he was a boulder.

“I’m not leaving until I get my ride.” He said. I didn’t reply. Instead, I put the wet rags in the laundry room. When I returned to the desk, drunk-guy was out-cold and snoring. Tea-guy was sitting next to him; he was poking drunk-guy on the side of his face.

“Hey, wake up, you idiot. This isn’t your room.” He said. Drunk-guy wasn’t responding, so his friend started slapping his face. “Hello, dummy! It’s time to go to your room before you piss yourself.” He looked at me. “He pisses himself when he passes out before using the bathroom, but only when he had lots to drink.”

“I would appreciate it if you would help him to his room.” I said.

“How do you expect me to carry him there by myself?”

“Use a luggage cart.” I said. He thought about it for a moment and decided it was a good idea. He grabbed a cart and dragged him off the couch. He managed to get the guy most of the way on the cart, but he legs were hanging over either side of the cart, and he couldn’t get his arms to rest on his belly, so the guy’s arms flailed about as he tried pushing the cart down the hallway.

“I’m just gonna put him in the bathtub. I don’t want to let him piss his pants, but I’m not comfortable with taking another mans pants off.” He said.

“Well, if you do, I suggest you follow the same rule as you would when changing a boy’s diaper, and stand over to the side to say out of the line of fire, you know, just-in-case.”

“Anytime I’ve imagined myself taking off someone’s pants, I never imagined it quite like this.”

He pushed the cart down the hall, and I never saw either of them again. We should probably have the carts cleaned.