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A Pimp’s Drinking Guide

The last stop of the pimp between leavin his pad and hit up the shindig is ye ol bottle shoppe. He should know how to mix the drinks the ladies like. He needs to know his wine. And of course there’s the champagne…

Cognac – true pimp is born with a velvet umbilical cord and a snifter of cognac in his lil’ lil’ baby hand. Nothing says pimp like a bottle of Courvoisier, Remey Martin or Crown Royal. These are all relatively expensive cognacs, and should be enjoyed in moderation. A pimp should exude an aura of sensuality, not of gluttony. Though they are expensive, they are also quite potent, and the price therefore has a natural moderating effect. Swiggin booze out of the bottle, knocking back shots and passing does not befit the pimp. A pimp enjoys his drink. He swirls it around his snifter (the proper glass for any cognac or brandy). He sips it lightly, as if an innuendo in itself, a testament to his sensuality. Enjoy yo’ shit.

Thug Viagra – Hennessy and Red Bull

Champagne – Society in general typically reserves champagne for times of celebration…New Years Eve, World Series victories, and child support settlements, for instance. However, a pimp is one who celebrates life. Every time he’s in the same room as a group of fine young females is a cause for celebration. Don’t be intimidated by the bubbly. It’s an investment. It’s the inside track. It’s a trade secret. And it gets chicks actin silly quick.

Also, a bottle of champagne is an instant conversation piece. Since most non-pimps reserve this shimmering wonder for celebratory purposes, you are guaranteed instant attention as soon as the loud “pop” is heard echoing.

Never open a bottle of champagne by yourself. Be certain to have a female ‘assist’ you in opening it. There is something undeniably, if not inexplicable, sexual about popping the cork on a bottle of champagne. This moment is best shared with someone.

Champagne runs the gauntlet of prices and brands. For a drinkable bottle, you can expect to pay about $20. Korbel is a good choice for this price range. If you wanna get something with a more impressive name, your next tier up would be Moet et Chandon, for $30 to $40 a bottle, depending on type. The difference between Korbel and Moet is noticeable to the connoisseur, but negligible to most. The major difference is that rappers talk about poppin’ one, and not the other. Finally, if you just found a platinum card on the floor, there’s Dom Perignon and Cristal. But unless it’s your wedding night, f*ck that. If this is your wedding night, what the hell are you doing reading this shit?

*******NOTE: Ladies love pink champagne. This may be difficult to find, but most decent liquor stores will have at least one brand around somewhere, and in larger liquor store should have it available in a wide range of prices. Do not show up at a party with a bottle of pink champagne…even I would laugh at you. However, if you are inviting a lady to a private, sensual encounter (back rub, for instance) you might want to bring out a bottle of the pink stuff. It’s kind of a way to show her you soft side, to act like you picked it out ‘just for her’, and a general letting down of your guard. Fer real…chicks think like this. Just cuz you bought pink champagne. Like you even care.

Wine – The only time it is acceptable to drink white wine is with mild flavored chicken or fish dishes. Other than that, a pimp’s wine is red. Red is the color of love…white wine isn’t even really white if you look at it. Which one is a real pimp gonna roll with? Thought so.

The best red wine to order Cabernet Sauvignon (cah-burr-NAY sow-vee-NYOHN). This is mostly because it sounds slick. Merlot is good too, but just doesn’t carry the same aura with it as that which is derived from the “King of Grapes”. You can get a drinkable bottle (note I said ‘bottle’…never ‘box’) for $10 to $20. However, to buy a bottle strictly by price don’t make no kind of sense, because one $10 bottle is drinkable, and the other is swill. Best bet is to buy three bottles and try each before your encounter with Miss Sweet Thang. Take a sip of out of each bottle and decide which one best suits your palate. This way you can tell a chick it’s your ‘favorite’ brand.

Eventually, you’re going to meet someone who’s a wine encyclopedia. The best way to deal with him is not to attempt to engage him in discussion, but to brush him off. “That’s nice…you girls want another glass?” He might know wine, but you know women. The only reason anyone other than French royalty would have that amount of info on file about wine is to impress chicks. That’s his game. Show him up. He’s nothing but a glorified jargon spitting wine geek. Tell him he can go out and pick the next bottle while you stay there and kick it with these females.

A note on getting her drunk– Obviously, some chicks out there will swig Jim Beam right out of the bottle and drink grain punch until they’re lips are stained red. God I love them. There are several types of these chicks that you will encounter in your travels.

Subject A:
Played out party chick

The first category of lush chick is the seasoned party animal. She drinks like a guy and typically knows how to handle herself when she’s drunk, because she usually is. She either (1) is a complete slut or (2) is a complete slut. Either way, this is not a target but a victim of opportunity, and should generally be avoided unless you are too inebriated to get with any other chick.

Subject B:
College Underclassman

The second is the college underclassman chick. She’ll fall flat on her face and her first concern is if she spilled her PowerAde and Dubra. A plastic juice bottle refilled with hard alcohol is her calling card, and proves she wants to get to fucked up to where she can’t remember what the hell happened. College rocks. So does she. Now is the time to pluck her before she becomes “played out party chick”.

Subject C: Social Drinker

She’s at the bar, getting her drink on, but not out of control. She sips through a cocktail straw and chats with her girlfriends from the office. She’ a real lady, and she’s looking for a relationship. Basically, she’s a waste of space. If you do hook up with her, expect drama.

Subject D: Girly-Girls

These chicks are the epitome of the word ditz. They require excessive coaxing to get the first three drinks down their throat, and a half hour later they’ve got their hand down your pants. Given the reward, the effort is usually worth it.

Here’s how to mix a few drinks that no chick will mind getting loaded off of. They are either provocative, potent, girly favorites or all of the above.