There Is No Typical 'Profile' Of Men Who Abuse Loved Ones

June 23, 1994|By Loraine O'Connell of The Sentinel Staff

As the O.J. Simpson saga winds up its second week, many Americans are still struggling to come to grips with the notion of Simpson as a vicious spouse abuser - much less the suspect in the slayings of his ex-wife, Nicole, and her friend, waiter Ronald Goldman, on June 12.

The image most of us have of Simpson is that of a handsome, easygoing guy. To hear reports that he repeatedly beat Nicole Simpson during their marriage - and in 1989 pleaded no contest to a battery charge - is a shock to our collective psyche.

This inability to square our perception of someone we like with the reality of domestic abuse carries over to noncelebrity abusers as well as to national sports figures.

''We have this need to attribute good or evil to people based on certain characteristics,'' says San dra McIntire, assistant professor of psychology at Rollins College in Winter Park.

''Human beings would like to be able to detect dangerous things in their environment,'' she says. ''We know lions and tigers are dangerous. We can see that. And we'd like to think bad people are ugly and mean. We'd like to think good people are nice to us, happy, helpers. That's not so. We're very complex.''

Indeed, McIntire and other domestic abuse researchers say, there is no such thing as a ''profile'' of the typical batterer.

''They're diverse,'' says Rich Tolman, a University of Illinois researcher and co-author of Intervention for Men Who Batter.

Battering cuts across all racial, ethnic and socioeconomic boundaries, says Tolman, who has developed counseling programs for batterers.

Each year 1,500 battered women are killed by their abusers, according to The Women's Center, a resource center in suburban Washington. In addition, an estimated 4 million to 6 million women are beaten, the center said.

Although batterers are diverse, ''one very common observation is that the men very often come across as very nice, charming men, sometimes mild-mannered,'' Tolman says.

Is it an act?

Not in most cases, he says.

''It's very often the case that they are charming and maybe sensitive and caring in very many aspects of their lives,'' he says.

''That's what is so difficult from the victim's point of view. He's also that sensitive person with the victim. When she has to make the choice of ending the relationship, she's at odds with this caring person she knows and this person who brutally beats her.''

The horror of the victim's situation is that, in many cases, love exists simultaneously with fear.

''When you love somebody, you want to look at the good,'' says Theresa Nelson, executive director of Spouse Abuse Inc. in Orlando. ''Emotionally, you're so tied up with this person. You see the good side, then you see the bad side, and it's very hard to break away.''

''We want to believe that men who could do this don't love these women, but it's not true,'' he says.

In fact, what these men typically feel is an enormously dependent kind of love, Tolman says.

''Anybody who's half a human wants to be truly loved and respected. Unfortunately, men get socialized to demand that from their partners, and some are willing to use terrible coercive techniques to get it.''

If men in general are socialized to be controlling, why do some become abusers while most don't?

Abusers are more vulnerable, says Tolman, because ''they're more likely to have observed violence in their families and to have been traumatized early in life through child abuse or violent experiences.''

And batterers tend to define love and respect in terms of ''compliance with things that other men might not be so attached to,'' Tolman says, ''things like not speaking back, not nagging, not talking to other men, keeping the house a certain way.''

Combine abusers' predispositions with our culture's history of condoning spouse abuse and you have an environment in which domestic abuse thrives, says McIntire.

''We have a culture that goes way, way back saying that whatever happens inside the home is private and nobody should get involved,'' she says.

The O.J. Simpson case has sparked a renewed effort to change that cultural norm.

On Wednesday Patricia Ireland, president of the National Organization for Women, and other feminists, including members of Congress, used the Simpson case to mobilize support for the Violence Against Women Act, which would provide training programs for police and judges, pay for women's shelters, give civil rights protection to women who face gender-based violence and require interstate enforcement of orders protecting women from abusers who cross state lines.

The 4-year-old proposed legislation is part of a broader crime bill that is pending in a House-Senate conference committee. The bill, which President Clinton supports, would need final action by both the House of Representatives and the Senate before it could become law.

But in the current cultural setting, the cycle of abuse-apology-abuse flourishes.

And make no mistake, Tolman says, many batterers feel genuine remorse after a violent episode.

''He's desperately afraid of losing that relationship,'' he says. ''He needs her to be there to make him feel OK about himself. That's why this dependence is so often unmasked in separation.''

That is, as long as the woman is with him, the batterer can control her and feel good about himself.

''When she makes steps to get out of the relationship, his dependence on her is unmasked,'' Tolman says. ''You see these guys get desperate, suicidal, depressed.''

And homicidal.

The oft-heard cry of the abuser, ''If I can't have you, no one else will!'' is ''the ultimate form of control,'' Tolman says.

And it's being uttered by men we would never suspect.

''Most batterers are not monsters,'' Tolman says. ''I'd like to believe that all batterers are sociopaths but they're not. They're our brothers, fathers, co-workers.