The Agents Can Chill; I’ve Already Picked The Ideal Cast For Sonic The Hedgehog

Have you ever played a video game and sighed in disbelief as the final credits roll, longing for it to be rebooted as a cinematic masterpiece?

See: The Last Of Us, Red Dead Redemption or Uncharted.

Do not see: the Sonic franchise, whereby a blue hedgehog collects gold rings at fuck-off speeds.

And yet, somehow, someone is putting millions of dollars behind the production of a CGI/live-action hybrid of the sapphire eulipotyphlan. (It basically means “hedgehog”. Just Google it, okay?)

Already, James Marsden has been cast in an unknown role, and Jim Carrey – who was fantastic in The Truman Show and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (and also appeared in The Number 23, but the less said about that, the better) – has been cast as Sonic’s nemesis, Dr Eggman.

I am begging for Jim to do a Man On The Moon, and get so deep into character, he actually believes he is Dr. Ivo Robotnik, and will only go about town in a flying, round UFO.

After I cast The Lion King remake (to which I got absolutely zero of my ideal castings correct), I thought it would make sense for me to do the same and give Sonic the Hedgehog my dream cast experience. (And if you don’t get that Dreamcast reference, get out.)

Sonic

If I know Paul Rudd, and I think I do – I’ve seen Role Models 36 times, after all – Paul would love to play the titular role of Sonic. He’s had plenty of experience; he loves rings; he looks great with spiky hair; and he’s blue.

Tails

Does anyone even know what the sweet merciless hell Tails actually is? According to Wikipedia, the source of all factual facts, Tails is a fox. Find me a bright yellow fox with two tails, and I’ll gladly welcome fox hunting,

So picking the ideal actor to portray the ‘thing’ wasn’t easy. I did, however, opt for Simon Pegg. He’s energetic and one of Britain’s funniest comedians. Plus, if you think he can’t voice act, you should’ve heard him in Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. He deserved an Oscar for that performance.

Knuckles

I mean, this one was about as obvious as a big ol’ obvious thing on National Obvious Day, right? (Cut me some slack – I’m in a world where Sonic is getting a live-action movie; bad similes are the least of my concerns.)

Knuckles is a strong, muscular fellow. It seems apt to cast Dwayne Johnson, a strong, muscular fellow. (I wonder if that’s the first time The Rock’s ever been called a “fellow”.) I mean, it was an easy choice, but you want this movie to make money, right?

Amy

Annoyingly, I wanted to cast every character with an actor who has the same name, but you try finding me a RADA trained thespian with the birth name ‘Espio the Chameleon’.

Luckily, my choice for Amy came to luck, with Amy Poehler. I mean, she’s funny, she’s done great voice-acting before, and she’s got history with Paul Rudd… As in the movie They Came Together. I don’t want you reporting me for spreading slander that these two had an affair.

I toyed with the idea of Tom Holland as Tails, but I would have thrown my laptop against the wall in sheer jealousy that he’s Spiderman AND Sonic’s best mate, then. So the next logical step is a 48-year-old man, right? RIGHT?