Saturday, 24 December 2011

When two boisterous men, both bearded to the teeth and turbaned to the gills, come together with Christmas in the air, bear hugs and mutual backslapping are expected to be the order of the day.

But at times, even the most perfect of scripts go awry and what follows is something starting with a P and has a demon in it. I think Pandemonium is the word I'm groping for, unless it's one of those chemical elements which sign off with an 'ium'.

So when Santa Clause met Bhajji, one expected them to hit it off like a house on fire. Instead, it turned out to be a harrowing experience for Father Christmas.

Bhajji was in a foul mood. In his elements, if you insist.

In contrast, Santa had enough warmth in his voice to force another Copenhagen as he greeted Bhajji.

Bhajji sort of relented but clearly wasn't convinced of the stranger's bona fide.

"That's better. By the way, haven't seen you earlier. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Santa Clause."

Bhajji's eyes bulged again.

"Santa what?"

What followed immediately is the experience I have undergone more than once in my childhood.

It's the standard modus operandi of the neighbourhood bullies to grab you by your arm, twist it as if it's a doorknob and pull it up like a lever till it's horizontal to the terra firma – thus pre-empting any resistance – before planting some of the juiciest on your defenceless back.

More than the assault itself, its suddenness had unnerved Santa and emanating from the depth of his facial undergrowth was an assortment of Err, Hey, Oh, Ouch, Stop, What-the-Hell before he finally managed to free himself from the vice-like grip.

Massaging his mangled arm, Santa sounded less genial as he instituted an inquiry.

Panting after his attempt at disarmament of the opponent, Bhajji was clearly baffled by his naivety.

"Why I beat you? Santa CLAUSE! Must be a relative of that *&%$#@ Whereabout Clause. Don't I know you have a bottle in your sack and you have been shadowing me all along to see when I relieve myself?"

Last remnants of geniality gone from his eyes — and honestly one could not blame him – Santa finally exercised some authority.

"Stop it, you moron. I don't know what the hell you are gibbering about. See, there is no bottle in my sack."

Bhajji was clearly shaken. At least stirred, if not shaken altogether.

"You mean you don't even know Whereabout Clause? I'm sorry then. No hard feelings, ok? See I slapped Sreesanth also and he too made peace later. We exchange dance steps now. You know what? Lalit Modi had actually threatened to auction us, not in IPL but among the cannibal tribes in Papua New Guinea, if we did not kiss and make up."

The change in air did little as Santa still eyed Bhajji with no little suspicion. Bhajji, on his part, was at his garrulous best, trying to strike a conversation.

"Sure you aren't Ramesh Powar trying to make a comeback in disguise? (laughs) I'm kidding buddy. So you come from North Pole? What brought you here?"

Santa was under the impression that Bhajji's query was on mode of transport.

"Reindeers."

Bhajji was surprised. He outstretched his arm and then looked at Santa.

"Rain! It's not raining dear. Why should it rain in winter? And I don't see Duckworth or Lewis either. They appear without failing whenever it rains."

A little explanation was the need of the hour but Bhajji retained that baffled look.

"Why reindeer man? Get a life, get a Hummer. I have one. Dhoni has one. If you want I can talk to the distributor for some discount."

Having retained his sang-froid, Santa finally opened his mouth.

"Thanks but no thanks. Sonny, my arm comes in the way of saying it was a pleasure meeting you. Never mind, I have something to give you before I depart."

Santa fished out a rolled strip and handed it over to Bhajji.

"I don't watch cricket but I'm told you've forgotten the basics. So I give you this tape to measure your line and length. You still will be left with another yard or so and for humanity's sake, tape your mouth with that. Bye."

2. US Presidents are judged by their performance in the "First Hundred Days". Subsequent White House occupants should be judged against the same benchmark, which will now be called the "Tendulkar Test";

3. Minnesota, the Land of Ten Thousand (100X100, if you missed the point) Lakes, should change its name to Sachinesota;

4. New thermometers should have a "Tendulkar Point" to denote the boiling temperature of pure water at sea level;

5. "Tennis Elbow" will be called "Tendulkar's Elbow";

6. One of the Indian ordnance factories should be asked to develop a gun with whiskey glass attachment because that’s the only thing Sachin has not endorsed so far;

7. Postal department should issue a stamp in Tendulkar’s honour with Kambli’s photo on the other side which requires spitting.

Schumacher: I didn’t lie.. (Can’t believe what this fatso is blabbering !)

Mayawati: Everyone knows you are a driver and you are telling me you are a show-maker. Isn’t that lie?

Schumacher: Shoe-maker! My foot!

Mayawati: No, my foot. See, if you are a shoe-maker, I think I can offer you a job. You have to make pump shoes for my feet. I love my footwears you know. Once I sent my private jet to bring my favourite slippers from Mumbai and the mediawallahs made such an issue of it.

Schumacher: You are mistaken madam. I’m a driver called Schumacher. My name is Schumacher, Michael Schumacher.

Mayawati: Stop imitating Bond. So what if you are a driver? I need a driver as well. Will you work for me? I’ll pay you good salary and you get a servant’s quarter as well. And there are parks as well.

Schumacher: You mean perks?

Mayawati: No moron, I mean park. Have you seen my giant statues at the Noida Park? If you become my driver, I’ll install one of your statues as well.

Schumacher: But that’s for people of your party and community!

Mayawati: So what? I’ll change your name to shoe-maker and tell everyone that you are a actually a Dalit cobbler.

Schumacher: Good lord! You are incredible!

Mayawati: So you accepting the job?

Schumacher: Well, madam, it would have been a pleasure. But.. you see that lad? He’s Sebastian Vettel and is a much better driver. He was looking for a job anyway.

Mayawati: What he drives?

Schumacher: He drives a Red Bull.

Mayawati: Bull? You really mean bull? Oye, I’m the lord of Uttar Pradesh and you think I ride a bullock cart?

Schumacher: Madam it’s an F1 team called Red Bull and he’s better than me.

Monday, 31 October 2011

You feel better when you have got it off your chest. So, time to confess the sin. Yes, Doosra was at the inaugural Indian Grand Prix.

Lest you hold it against the blog, let me tell you so were the cricketers.

Once in the F1 paddock, Doosra did just what is expected of it. Doosra spoke to those present, called those absent and even contacted BCCI boss N Srinivasan, who said he was neither present nor absent.

Well, here are the selected responses of the Indian cricket fraternity to the country's first Formula One race.

1. M S Dhoni: Honestly speaking, with a lead like that, Vettel should have declared long ago;

2. Venkatesh Prasad: Well, yeah...ummm… Vettel is overrated, he does not have a slower;

Monday, 17 October 2011

Ass you knowing, spot-fixing case is running in London and now I knowing that my team-maids tried to stab me in the rear when I was there captain!

I’m shocking and can’t trust it like nobody’s business. Mark my wards, posterior will not forgive them for this acting of betrial.

God will dip-fry them in boiling oil like nobody’s business and they all will be…what you call it… hell and hurty.

Now I understanding the because of my loosing so much matches. I always thinking of victoring and they always trying to cattle my plans like nobody’s business!

And see my largeness. I steel supported one of those oxymoron -- Shoaib Akhtar. He was a ox in the body and a moron in the head.

It was I who spoke him that Tendulkar was scareful of him. One day before the match, all players were discusing who was the most maddest bowler when Sachin suddenly spoke out of contest and confaced “I’m afraid, it’s Shoaib.”

I acted smartingly and tape-recorded it. Kamran Akmal objected like nobody’s business but I didn’t hear. I took out the fat tape of his tracksuit’s waist and written those words on it.

Tendulkar cannot denial it now. I was the wheatness. And if he steel denies, I’m sorry to speak that he is a lier.

Also late me share a secret. Hair in Pakistan, we all are together jellous of Shoaib like nobody’s business. The because is, he has a autobiology now.

And I can tale you that it is goodly written. I readed three and half line and his comment over language is compressive like nobody’s business.

People say it being ghost-written. I not knowing. Who knows, maybe Sexpear wrote it. Or Ernest Hemmingbird or Samiul Bucket. All of them are writers and all of them being ghosts you know. Alone thing that I not understanding is how he contracted a ghost.

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

As you read in the previous post, Shoaib Akhtar, in the original manuscript of “Controversially Yours”, dismissed WG Grace in 11 paras.

The Pakistani iconoclast took his political incorrectness to another level, devoting just about three-and-half lines for Don Bradman and Gary Sobers each.

According to him, Bradman owes his immortality to a madcap statistician; Sobers’ six sixes off a Malcolm Nash over was fishier than any of those ponds in Poschimbongo; and that Muralitharan was robbed of 13 bona fide scalps by lazy-bum scorers.

He also claims umpire Billy Bowden is not actually an umpire!

For his views on some of cricket’s most compelling characters, read on:

Don Bradman: “Bradman’s test average was actually 9.996 but the record book has it 99.96 because the statistician with a strong sense of aesthetics felt placing the decimal in the middle with two digits on either side looked better.”

Garfield Sobers: “Sobers’ six sixes was the first instance of computer generated imagery, used subsequently in making movies like Jurassic Park and The Terminator”;

Jim Laker: “Laker's 19 wickets in the 1956 Old Trafford test included 5 that Tony Lock took but couldn't be credited for because the box next to Lock’s name in the scoresheet had been smudged by an inadvertent ink-drop from the leaking pen of the absent-minded scorer”.

Muttiah Muralitharan: “Murali actually took 813 wickets but 13 of them were awarded to Vaas by lazy scorers once they realised writing VAAS takes 1/3rd time of writing MURALITHARAN”;

Billy Bowden: “Bowden is actually contortonist umpiring under duress since Sharad Pawar has kidnapped his family”.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Not many know that the manuscript of Shoaib Akhtar’s autobiography “Controversially Yours” contained chapters in which the “Rawalpindi Express” offered radical views on most of cricket’s greatest names, except Ajit Agarkar.

Libel-weary publishers, with business to run and family to feed, naturally refused to publish them, making sure they do not see the light of the day.

Until Doosra accessed them, of course.

Here goes the first installment in which Shoaib assesses WG Grace.

“I can’t believe they called him father of modern cricket. Father! My number 14 foot!

No hanky-panky. Let me make it clear what I think of that big, fat chump. He looks an obese ass with enough fat to run a soap factory.

Frankly speaking, I think he was dead-scared of my pace and decided to play in another era. Such a coward!

Even though he scored heavily against Joey Palmer in his debut test, I tell you his legs were trembling. Of course I was not there in that 1880 test but Shahid Afridi, who remains 21, says he himself saw them trembling.

Like most of us, Grace used to blatantly tamper the ball. I got to know he was called ‘Doctor’. I guess because he used to doctor the ball. And people have problems only when we do it. It’s a mean world, buddy.

No dramas. I think Grace was a slimy fatso. He filled English cricket with his brothers, sons and even nephews. If this is not nepotism then I’d like to know what is.

Man, have you seen his photo? Awful, man. Inzy bhai will look like him 20 years later.

Seems the guy never went to gym. Six packs? He had six sacks. If you have a good knife and you know how to do it, you can carve six cricketers out of him. Such a waste of space.

His beard was against the spirit of the game. I’m surprised ICC or whatever it was in those days didn’t ban it. It was a deliberate ploy to shield the stumps and confuse the bowlers. Disgusting!

People called him Grace. I call him Disgrace.

I know most of you won’t believe me. I know necromancy and I've challenged him to face me. I don't trust Lalit Modi. Fortunately, Kerry Packer wrote on my Ouija board that he would sponsor the event. Will keep you posted. Take care."

Saturday, 24 September 2011

1. Inzamam-ul-Haq opens a shop in Dubai to sell meat when his future lies in selling jacket potatoes;

2. Saurabh Tiwary blames TV cameras for making him look fat when he actually is not;

3. Rahul Dravid hits three consecutive sixes in a T20 match and still can look at himself in the mirror;

4. For the first time in his life, Sachin Tendulkar writes anything other than a bank deposit form but ICC rejects his radical ODI format proposal. (Wife Anjali just confirmed to Doosra he never wrote a love letter);

5. New BCCI regime is not tried under India's anti-poaching law despite eliminating Kochi Tuskers;

6. Mukesh Bhatt not making a sequel to "Mera Naam Joker" with Mohinder Amarnath in lead;

7. India U-19 captain Ankit Bawne axed on the flimsiest ground. Apparently the poor boy has two different dates of birth -- one in BCCI database and another in his passport. Now even the British queen celebrates her birthday twice every year and they still have persisted with the old fossil. Why single out Bawne?

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

The nasty concussion has left Gautam Gambhir with a memory as dodgy as Suresh Raina’s technique against rising deliveries.

The team doctor paraded the entire Indian team and to their horror, Gambhir could not recognise his teammates!

Here is what happened there:

Doctor: Hi Gautam...hello Gautam…hey Gautam!

GG: Why are you poking at my ribcage?

Doctor: Because I’m calling you and you are not replying.

GG: But who am I? All I know is that I’m concussed.

Doctor: You are Gautam..

GG: Gautama? Gautama Buddha? Well, Buddha hoga tera baap.

Doctor: You are Gautam Gambhir. Indian cricketer.

GG: Oh yes, it all coming back to me.

Doctor: I’m relieved. Hey Viru, come here. Gautam, you know Viru?

GG: Yes. I know Viru...but he was not bald. Viru... he loves Basanti but mausi doesn’t like him.

Doctor: What are you talking? Viru is Virender Sehwag. Remember you are an opener. Hey, what are you doing? Why are you biting the can?

GG: You said I’m an opener. Was trying to open the can.

Doctor: My god! You are a cricketer who got consussed. You remember how?

GG: Yes, it all coming back to me. I was trying to catch Kevin...Kevin...Kevin Spacey.

Doctor: Pietersen!

GG: Oh yes. It all coming back to me. It’s Pietersen. Don't yell at me.

Doctor: Sachin, come here. Gautam, you know Sachin?

GG: Of course I remember. Sachin.. He has got a nasal voice. I like his "Ore majhi, le chal par".

Doctor: that’s Sachin Devvarman! I’m talking about Sachin Tendulkar!

GG: Oh yes, Tendulkar, Tendulkar. It all coming back to me. Don’t scare me doctor, now I remember it all. By the way, you sure I’m Gautam Gambhir?

Doctor: Yes. Apart from Sachin, you remember any of your team mates? You remember Rahul?

GG: Yes Rahul...he is Sachin’s son.

Doctor: Again! I’m not talking about Rahul Devvarman.

GG: Ok ok, stop scolding me. Was joking. It all coming back to me. Rahul who? Yes Rahul. He’s not Sachin’s son. He is Sonia’s son and will become Prime Minister some day.

Doctor: Hopeless. It’s Rahul Dravid. Ok will help you identify the rest. Look at him. Tell us who he is? His first name is Suresh. Does that ring a bell?

GG: Of coufrse. Hi Suresh. You look younger. You have shaved I see. Doctor, I told him to play cricket but he went to Commonwealth Games instead and got into troubles. I don’t know what he did there but was jailed. Have they released you from Tihar? I’m concussed you know…

Doctor: Aargh! Completely gone case. You can’t recognise anyone. Do you know me or you forgot the team doctor as well?

GG: I know you doctor. You are Dhoni. You got a doctorate other day. I remember everything. It...

Dhoni: Unimaginative! You hurt me Saar. I imagined England were in crisis; never stood up imagining Praveen’s edges will carry; imagined Sehwag will score 300 in both innings and finally imagined we will win the series 4-0. And here you call me unimaginative…. If my imaginations were correct, we would have been in the team hotel long back...Aur bolo.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

It looks like someone trying to scratch the itch when the reverential thumb and the equally respectful index finger gently rise to ceremoniously touch -- and strictly not press, says the manual -- the earlobe when the Guru's name is to be uttered.

It's a similarly earlobe-touching occasion as Doosra pays tribute to the Murdoch family that has taken phone-hacking to a new level, setting a benchmark that posterity would struggle to match.

Upholding the same spirit, Doosra serves you hot the spicy telephone interaction that took place between chief Indian selector Krish Srikkanth and axed spinner Harbhajan Singh.

Excerpts:

Srikkanth: HelloIsThisTeamIndiaHotel?

Harbhajan: Oye Khote Da Puttar! Ordered butter chicken two hours back and you are calling now instead of delivering it? Go and cook it fast. And when you have made the dish, ask yourself “Have I Made It Large?”...because I’m very hungry and can eat an entire poultry farm.

Srikkanth: HeyYouHabsoluteSonOfAGun…ThisIsChikaHere.

Harbhajan: O Teri Ki! Chicken? Did you say Chicken? You mean you are the chicken I ordered? I can’t believe it! I’m talking to the chicken I’m going to eat! What a hotel!

Harbhajan: Don’t remember? Memory loss? I know sir, happens with ages. Our coach Fletcher also has this problem. He met Sania Mirza and said “Don’t tell me you have a 40-year-son who will be India’s next Prime Minister!”. Hahaha...

Srikkanth: YouBrainDeadBowledHabsolutelyNegativeInTheSecondTest..

Harbhajan: Strategy sir, strategy. You remember how I bowled in the first test?

Srikkanth: HabsolutlyRememberHagainYouBowledNegativeLine.

Harbhajan: Exactly sir. Haven’t you heard sir that two negatives make a positive?

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

1. Turn the batting order upside down. Ishant Sharma should open with Praveen Kumar. Apart from the fact that they can’t do any worse, the mere sight of them walking in to open would give the Andersons and Tremletts a nasty shock. Consider this, even after mowing down India’s top half, England would not rejoice because they haven’t seen the trace of a Tendulkar or Dravid yet!

2. India should avail the existing extradition treaty with England -- or sign one if there is not any -- and force them to immediately send Harbhajan Singh back. They would be reluctant of course but these are the occasions when Manmohan Singh has to assert himself;

3. Sreesanth, Zaheer’s inevitable replacement, should bowl with his left arm to exploit Strauss and Cook’s weakness against left-arm bowlers;

4. Blood Arjun Tendulkar. That’s the only way to field a free-from-pressure Tendulkar. Already a Team India extension, Arjun has not missed many tours, attended more net sessions that Abhinav Mukund and can be India’s secret weapon;

5. Dravid batted and kept wicket at Lord’s with reasonable success. He should be allowed to bowl in Nottingham to complete the gamut in his final UK tour.

6. BCCI should immediately do whatever they do to be enabled to draw players from neighbours Pakistan and Sri Lanka and swiftly introduce a Kolpak-like ruling which allows half the side to be from Australia;

...and if nothing works...

7. Dhoni should stoop, grab it by the leg, lift it and then push with a perfect follow through. Of course there are other schools of thought but this is by far the most popular method of turning the table.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Rahul Dravid has faced most deliveries in test cricket’s history. A staggering 29,125, before he resumes the self-flagellation in England.

It goes with the 15,124 in ODIs and 1303 in T20s. None of these, however, are likely to improve unless Ramalinga Raju does the computation for ICC. Put them together and Dravid has faced 45,552 deliveries.

For argument’s sake, let’s assume every delivery took two minutes.

After all the sightscreen has to be moved, the batsman has to make sure the rival skipper has not sneaked in an extra fielder, the non-striker has to conclude his chit-chat with the mid-on fielder wherein both inquire about the female members in each other’s family and so on.

Also, the ball has to be licked, rubbed, roughened, scratched and its seam assaulted – with nail, both human and iron, bottle-openers and even Afridi’s teeth – before the bowler starts his run up.

And if Shoaib Akhtar is the bowler, a batsman can afford a quick power nap without risking oversleeping as the Pakistani’s grunt would wake him up just in time to face the ball.

You can safely say Dravid has spent an estimated 91,104 minutes – quite a Lalit Modiesque number -- for the deliveries he faced in international cricket.

Any stout calculator will tell you that is slightly more than 1518 hours, which is nearly 64 days.

To give you an idea, it’s exactly the time a brow hair takes to grow back after it has been plucked.

Now it takes a lot of patience to do that and Dravid has been patient. In fact so patient that was promptly drawn to a doctor who became his better half. Three-quarters, if you fuss.

Returning to the point, if Dravid looks like cricket’s Methuselah, you know why.

He faced 45,552 deliveries, mind you. And that excludes his wife’s two.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

What bugs me is that a father can't be a father without inviting the ridicule of a world that expects him to be anything but a father.

To square cut a long story short, Srikkanth –- often hailed by the scientific community as the clinching proof that human tongue is by no meanse connected to human brain -- is drawing flaks for selecting son Anirudh in an Indian team for some Emerging Players Tournament in Australia.

In a world where you can’t possibly hurl five bricks without hurting four reluctant fathers of various shapes and sizes -–Arnold Schwarzenegger and ND Tiwary are the two ends of the spectrum –- here you have a bona fide father’s bona fide affection for his bona fide son being ridiculed.

I'm rather glad that Gandhiji isn't around. Otherwise, the same critics would have panned the Father of Nation for promoting the Nation.

Honestly speaking, Galileo had rather a narrow escape because he was indubitably the Father of Science and undeniably promoted Science, which would have surely upset the critics.

Coming back to the Chika episode, who knows, maybe there was some misunderstanding? Or the miss standing next to Chika to take dictation erred, so natural when the speaker dreams of a world without punctuations.

Probably Chika proposed Rahul Gandhi’s name as the most promising, emerging player and the steno mistook it for Anirudh? Rahul...Anirudh...Anirudh...Rahul...saw the eerie similarity!

Well, I’m ready to give Chika a benefit of doubt. Those who know cricket know it well that a batsman is always entitled to the benefit of doubt, even post-retirement.

Okay, for argument’s sake, let’s assume Chika indeed proposed his son’s name. He probably saw Anirudh emerging from behind the sightscreen and thought that was enough to qualify for the emerging players’ tournament.

Even then, I insist, Chika actually took a risk by agreeing to send his son to Australia.

Who can vouch that Anirudh would not catch the eyes of that loony alchemist Chappell?

If Chappell sets his mind to it, he may draw the kid to a corner, lay an avuncular arm around his shoulder and whisper some magic words into his ears, culminating with Anirudh announcing his retirement from cricket and plans to become a professional contortionist instead.

Returning to the rail, Chika has done fatherhood proud and he should immediately be canonised as Father Chika and not Dhinka Chika, as some Salman Khan fans would prefer.

In other words, Chika has done fatherhood proud and the tirade against him is clearly the father of all misguided vendetta.

P.S. Would be unfair to put up the shutters without a word about Kamran Akmal, held as the most promising of all. Even jealous teammates admit he’s so endowed that Akmal can start a bat-manufacturing business rightway without buying a chainsaw.

The twin developments merit close analysis and I want you follow me here closely.

Why did Tendulkar sell off his Ferrari, presented by no less than a Michael Schumacher?

Was it his legendary anticipation that warned him of the fuel price hike that was barely 48 hours away?

Was it the political analyst in him that closely monitored the West Bengal election and realised red was fast going out of vogue?

Can it be possible that he had a tiff with Schumacher – suppose Schumi calls him and mistakes his sing-song voice for that of a maid -- and a mighty annoyed Tendulkar did not want to keep any memory of him?

Or was it because he felt let down by Ferrari who did not resist DRS in F1? So what if this DRS stands for Drag Resistance System and not Decision Review System? After all, once you accept the initials, you are not far from accepting the whole thing!

Well, Doosra risked life and limbs to unearth the truth and here’s how the Little Master turned pauper almost overnight.

Tendulkar earned the stuff by sackfuls but didn't trust banks -- including the one he endorses -- and used to stash all his money in the cellar.

And he got the shock of his life when he found termites had eaten up all the notes!

And the rest, as they say, is his story.

P.S. Sources tell us the sole purpose of Tendulkar’s Wimbledon visit was to try and borrow some money from Roger Federer.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Many of you surprised why I keeping mom on my retirement and did not right anything in this dairy.

Two day...or it is two days...whoever…I give my vision of the story at the back of my retirement.

As I tell, my chaste paining and my heart is bloody like nobody’s business. Deer friends, I have lost my piece of mind and I can’t shut down my eyes in the night.

Having sleeveless nights, if you ask me.

Honestly telling, I could not take the betrial from Walker Younis and Intikhab Alum.

I always considered Walker Bhai like my large brother. I had a long standing relation with him. He was always late in meetings and I standed long hours without any complain. But see how he behavioured with me! Gave a bad report on my back.

In the other hand, Intikhab Alum was so senior that not like large brother. He was more like my ankle.

I took him on phase value and like Walker Bhai, he coned me, if you know how I mean.Firstly the man looked very kind. In fact you can tell him a mankind. Learned so many that I considered him my guru, my menthol.

But I never understand he having a heaten agenda. The old @#$% had a…had a…what they call a blazor-sharp brain. My back’s behind, he and Walker Bhai was always doing...what you call it that has 'piracy' in the end...conspiracy!

Yes. they were conspirates. I saw zealousy on their eyes. If today I’m in trouble, they are the because.

I’m so anger that I want to throw them in the Specific Ocean. But if I do that, my carrier would be ended because they would say I chuck and there will be questions about my action. So I'm keeping mom again.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

1. Tennis players don't crib about pitches despite made to play on all kind of surfaces;

2. They don't look like offspring of a Michelin Man and a mummy;

3. Women players get equal – in fact more -- attention;

4. Umpires at least get a chair to seat on, are not treated as cloth-hangers and don't have to do funny things with their hands to earn their bread;

5. Players refrain from unhygenic practices, such as applying saliva to the ball;

6. There is no recognised skullduggery called Duckworth-Lewis system to determine the outcome of rain-hit matches;

7. Lalit Modi has no role in it.

(P.S. It's the sight of Maria Sharapova in yellow treading on French Open’s red clay that provoked this post which can alternatively be called Why Tendulkar Attends Wimbledon but Federer Does Not Care About IPL).

Monday, 2 May 2011

1. Sachin Tendulkar: I have a strong stance on this issue. I strongly feel Osama’s death is either good or bad for us. It just can’t be anything else even though we should not rule out other possibilities. If you ask me, I think it’s essentially a relative subject and so Osama’s relatives can better answer it. Osama was apparently staying in a stone hut in Tora Bora. When people throw stone at you, you turn them into milestone. Instead, Osama turned it into a stone hut and I think that tells everything;

2. Rahul Dravid: Who died isn’t important here. One should not think about individuals, team always comes first. What’s important here is a death has taken place which means the global population has just shrunk and the air available for human consumption will be relatively higher. Besides, I think it would allow batsmen to concentrate better. I remember I was batting against Sachin’s son in Mumbai when the Americans were bombing Afghanistan and it greatly affected my concentration. The only time I had a similar problem was in Sydney when a whale rather loudly exhaled in the adjacent Tasman Sea just when I was taking guard;

3. Shahid Afridi: I’m happy like nobody’s business. When I speaked that Indians not having big hearts and we having, people moleculed me…or is it ridiculed? Whoever…Now see which country gave Laden shelter? I feel…I feel… vindictive…the media will now eat dumbbell pie;

4. Anil Kumble: I see beyond Osama’s death and what stirs me is the inequality of the contest. The US Military and the Al Qaeda were fighting and I’m sorry to say only one team was fighting in the true spirit. Our Bangalore Royal Challengers owner Vijay Mallya has naturally taken interest and promised to reduce the spirit deficit;

5. Sourav Ganguly: I’m really aghast. I think Obama is selling us dummy. I’ve been tipping them that bin Laden was masquerading as Greg Chappell but they did not listen. I’m not convinced that bin Laden is dead;

6. Shoaib Akhtar: Dude, America is not like Pakistan. America is in America and unlike Pakistan, there people don’t celebrate when their presidents die. USA losing president like Osama is like Pakistan losing me;

7. Shane Warne: Heard the guy was living with his youngest wife. Got her number mate?

Sunday, 17 April 2011

Once upton a time, there was a tiny country called Sa-china, inhabited by people called Sa-chinese. A neighbouring Vinod-erland was initially more prosperous before its economy nosedived.

In Sa-china, kids had curly hair, while grown up men practised with harmonium to develop sing-song voice. And they made it a point to marry older girls.

There, anyone taller than 5'5" was sneered at and people opted for euthanasia at 99 since a century often augured disaster for the country.

Most boys went by the names of Himesh, Pritam, Bappi, Annu, Shankar, Ehsan, Loy, Ismail etc because it was manadatory to name kids after music directors.

There, people dialled to say "Aila" and not "Hello". Even the neighbourhood fishmongers accepted a certain credit card and if a customer offered cash, s/he would be admonished: "Visa power, go get it."

There were some schools but no college or university in the country because people were convinced of education's futility.

In fact parents used to garland their kid the day they dropped out of schools, which was generally believed to mark the beginning of their journey to glory.

The country had only mud houses because stones were not available. Whenever they saw a stone, they turned it into a milestone, as their Father of the Nation had once advised them.

There, people used to eat out at Mainland Sa-china, where Sa-chinese dishes were served.

Aged people suffered mainly from tennis elbow and they worked as long as they wished. Retirement talks were not encouraged at all...

Sunday, 10 April 2011

I know people who dismiss the Indian cricketers as obscenely overpaid nitwits who should not be allowed to open their mouth except when eating.

But if you can read between the lines they utter, you would be amazed at their unsuspected depth. The word I’m groping for has a cat in it...implications…if you know what I mean.

Sample the seven inferences anyone will draw after listening to them:

1. Yusuf Pathan is Atlas reborn: As Virat Kohli so articulately put, Tendulkar has “carried the burden of the nation” for 21 years and Yusuf Pathan carried Tendulkar in Mumbai. It amounts to, if your arithmetic is alive and kicking, carrying the burden of a nation + 65 kg.

5. Dhoni believes if human mind develops pimple, it should be named after Sreesanth:"If you want to irritate someone that should be the opposition and not your side."

6. Yuvraj thinks there is not much difference between Gambhir and love – both are blind: "I told Gautam: I am not Virender Sehwag, I can't run like that."

7. Dhoni helps a great deal to keep Yuvraj cool: "I am a great fan of Yuvraj."

P.S. A couple of you wanted to know my World Cup experience. I’m afraid the details would only bore most. If you insist, well some of my experiences include being abused by Yuvraj's father over phone for about 10 minutes, holding Geoffrey Boycott's hat in a flight while he jostled with Arun Jaitley's secretary to stow luggage, spilling coffee on Nasser Hussain's shoe in Chennai, listening to Derek Pringle swearing profusely in Hindi in Ahmedabad, nearly tripping Sanjay Manjrekar in Mohali...warned you, it would only bore you.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

I'm joy like nobody's business. We beated Sri Lanka to win, which is not easy. If you asking me what is the because, it is I'm the captain of a mad team.

If you try to remind, I never like Shoaib Akhtar and I'm not fearful to say that. He speaks Urdu with an American accent!

Last night he powerfully took me to a pub. After drinking 3 glasses, I could understand he had drunk.

"We have to raise the bar," he said and I was real fearful. I told him the bar was big and had so many persons inside, so many furnitures etc. How two of we raise the hole bar? What he thinked of himself? That South Indian hero -- Rajnigandha?

I begged him not to create seen. He said "Ok pal, let's call it a day". I then lost my anger.

"Why should I call it a day when it's being a night? You are drunk or blind in the eye?"

But you have to say Shoaib has worked on fitness. He has become quite a racist, always asking all to race with him. Also doing stretching and jumping. I'm running also but coach said 2011 is not being a leap year so I'm not jumping.

We need Shoaib because Asif and Amir are banned, which is a handicraft for us. Gul bowling well but he is also mad type.

Other day, coach said we should have a cakewalk against Canada. Know what Gul did? He dropped a cake on floor and walked over it and said "Ho gaya sir, cakewalk."

The whole carpet was ugly and I made him wash that!

After that accident, our coach is out of order. He never ordering us anything. Inspite of him, I order now.

Anyway, I have received many wishes from many. I thank all of you from the heart of my bottom. We need your prayer.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

1645: Zimbabwer 127/6 after 36 overs. S Africa skipper Graeme Smith has employed 8 bowlers so far. No South African seems safe anymore. By this rate, the ailing Nelson Mandela will be bowling the 49th over. Mind it, Mandela wished them luck before they started for India.

1647: South Africa unleashed their Pakistan-born spinner Imran Tahir in this match. He's an uncapped player. With such richly streaked hair, anyone would prefer to remain without a cap. Those who came late, Tahir settled in S Africa to marry a girl he had been stumped by in 1998 when he was a member of the visiting Pakistan U-19 team. True love took him to S Africa. I suspect, it could be the ISD bill.

1708: Tahir reminds us only change is constant. He changes end, from Pattabhiraman End to Pavilion End and back to Pattabhiraman End. You sort of feel for him. Cricket fields sure can have more than two ends.

1719: Zimbabwe all out for 152 in 42nd over. They looked in a greater hurry to leave the field than Mubarak would be to leave Cairo.i1725: Five TNCA groundsmen roll the pitch at innings break. A recurring theme in Doosra, Ramesh Powar would have rendered the roller redundant.

1728: Nearly one thousand crowd turned up for the match. Either most of has have no purpose in life or we can't resist watching brothers fighting each other. As of now, Big Brother S Africa has pinned down continental brother Zimbabwe.

1731: S Africa open with Hashim Amla. Bowler Chris Mpofu can lodge a legitimate complain that he can't see 'keeper Taibu's face because of Amla's flowing beard that stands in the way.

1737: An obese South African support staff walks past sightscreen with great difficulty. If you know how to do it and have a nice knife, you can carve out two support staff out of him.

1901: Hashim Amla falls, Kallis walks in. Zimbabweans not sure if removing Amla was a good idea. Doosra seconds demand to call Amla the W.G. Grace of his generation (only the beard is black) and Kallis the modern-age Sobers.

1907: Salim Malik...err...Salim Ali would know the birds currently hovering over MA Chinnaswamy Stadium. Doosra can vouch it's not Dickie Bird. Circling like vultures would but Tsotsobe was only injured and got up after two minutes of his impersonation of a corpse.

1911: Kallis loses his boot while running, which is any day better than getting the footwear. Voucher will Bouch...err...Boucher will vouch for that.

1919: Kallis hits Cremer for two sixes and Smith whacks Lamb for one. In the same area where the crowd number has swollen to 10K! They are playing to the galleries now.

0105: Match ended some 5 hours before. In the post-match press conference, Graeme Smith said the track was under-prepared. Maybe but as long as lives are not lost and the same track is offered to both sides, don't really know why he cribs. Team manager says there is still some life in Lonwabo Tsotsobe, who will be assessed in the morning. Will be back in Chennai for Kenya v NZ...quite a murky tie...err...make it marquee.

P.S. Soul? Forget it. At best, I'm the master of my sole and my posts would be erratic and sporadic throughout the World Cup. Readers have been kinder to Doosra than Manmohan Singh has been to A Raja and hope you bear with me.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

1. IPL has precipitated the Armageddon by putting monkeygate protagonists Harbhajan Singh and Andrew Symonds in the same team;

2. Vadodara is about to seek separate nationhood, convinced that the money Pathan brothers fetched from IPL auction is enough to sustain a nascent nation;

3. One of the team owners with an obvious zombie expression was so thick-headed that auctioneer, at one point, asked her if he could use it as the hammer;

4. Anil Kumble opted out of IPL because he feared Rajasthan Royals might be interested in him and there are enough scientific evidences to prove the indelible scars that Shilpa Shetty's non-stop giggling can leave on human psyche;

5. Sid Mallya was the only owner with a scientific outlook. Few realised his mohawk was actually a subtle anti-thesis to Newton's law of gravitation;

6. There was so much coldness between Preity Zinta and Ness Wadia that every cappuccino they ordered turned tropical iceberg in no time:

7. In a last throw of dice, Pakistan agreed to export onions to India, offering one cricketer free per sack but IPL governing council members said they have got used to salad sans onion.