Proposed reforms to English language will make criticism of Tories impossible, say Labour

Several high profile members of the Labour party have spoken out strongly against the reforms to the English language proposed by the Government.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn described the proposed reforms as “fundamentally undermining our right to freedom of expression” and “an attempt to implement the Orwellian nightmare of newspeak.”

The reforms include changes to grammar rules so that negative or insulting adjectives cannot be used when the Conservative Party or the name of any Conservative MP is the subject of the sentence. The Government has also published a list of recommended adjectives for use when Conservatives are the subject, ranging from ‘good’ to ‘double-plus good’.

Conversely, positive adjectives will no longer be permitted in sentences where Labour is the subject. To describe Jeremy Corbyn, the only permitted adjectives are to be ‘hard-left’ and ‘terrorist sympathiser’ — a rule that is already being strictly observed by the Daily Mail.

Speaking in Parliament about the proposed reforms, hard right prime minister David Cameron said: “What this country needs is a strong economy and an end to terrorism. By making efficiency savings to the vocabulary of the English language, our reforms will not only boost economic activity and create jobs, but will make it impossible for terrorist sympathisers like Jeremy Corbyn to threaten the security of hardworking families earning £100,000 or more a year.”

However, a number of Blatcherite Labour MPs have expressed incredulity that Jeremy Corbyn would oppose the bill. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a prominent Blatcherite MP said: “Jeremy needs to get real and recognise that the Tories won, and they won because Labour weren’t right wing enough. Honestly, we need to be more appealing to the right wing voters who would have voted for Tony Blair, and this means supporting the Tory crackdown on thought-crime.”

The mouthy MP added: “Once I’ve stabbed Jeremy in the front and back and assumed leadership of the party, I can guarantee you I’ll take Labour back to Tory-lite against the wishes of the party membership.”

A number of prominent Conservative MPs have voiced strong support for the bill. Speaking outside Parliament, Government minister Chris Grayling told reporters: “Long have satirical bullies conspired to disparage and humiliate the honest and caring Conservative members of Parliament, of which I am an exceptional example.”

“Words cannot express how pleased I am that soon it will be impossible for the Conservative Government to be the subject of mirth and ridicule, be this via the intelligent satire of broadcasters like Charlie Brooker, or crude internet memes alluding to the unproven but undenied allegation that David Cameron once fucked a dead pig in the head.”