And to be perfectly honest, though there are many things I should be thankful for this year, I’m not feeling very thankful. Instead of thinking about the things that are going right, my brain is soaked and sopping with all that has gone wrong.

I’m lonely.

I’m alone.

And as much as I like to pretend like that doesn’t bother me? It bothers me.

It bothers me that my husband left me and has moved on so quickly to someone else. To someones else. It bothers me that he has other women, other friends, another life. It bothers me that he seems happy. I don’t want him to be happy. I don’t want him to have a life that seems so perfectly normal and perfectly what he wanted when he single-handedly destroyed what I wanted, what I needed and loved and cherished. But more than wanting him to unhappy, I want me to be happy. I want to be strong and brave and okay. I want to be able to say “Look at me, I’m doing great on my own” and really, really mean it.

But I don’t really mean it.

I’m scared and I’m lonely and I hate this… all of it.

I hate feeling like I somehow failed at being a wife because I couldn’t keep a husband. I hate feeling like he is rewarded for breaking my heart and breaking our family by a string of blonds and a life of adventure. I hate feeling like I will always feel so broken by him.

And though I am so proud of my son and so proud that he loves his Daddy and looks forward to his time with him, it hurts me every time I see his little arms wrapped around his father’s neck. I know it is my job to remind him how much his father loves him. I know it is my job to make sure that my feelings never color the feelings of my son… but it is so. damn. hard. I want to do what’s right. I want to do this right. I want to make sure that I don’t harm my child, that I don’t wound him with the depth of my own feelings.

But oh. my. God. It hurts. It aches to tell my son how much his Daddy loves him. It blinds me with tears to cheer on his calls and to tell him stories that include his father. It hurts me every day to make sure my child loves his father but dammit, I make sure my child loves his father.

And yeah, there is a lot I should be thankful for this year. And yeah, I shouldn’t complain when there are so many things right.

But when the one thing that is perfect and amazing and wonderful in my world is tucked into bed some two hours away for the first of four nights, it’s hard to be thankful for much of anything.

You reaction is so normal and appropriate. You can grateful and still sad and angry. I know this may fall flat, but when I was grieving a major loss one time, and wanting the pain to just leave, someone told me that the only way “out” is “through.” You have to feel what you are feeling in order to heal and “move on” (I hate that expression because it makes it sound like you will be ok with it eventually, which I don’t think you will be or should be- but you get my point…). Your husband may have a new life, but this is not normal or healthy- and it wil bite him in the a** at some point. Just my thoughts- I hope your day tomorrow is ok and I will be thinking of you. I am thankful for this blog because I feel so honored to be a witness to your openness. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey.
Chris

Anonymous November 23rd, 2011 @ 11:16 pm

You have every right to every one of your feelings and to the depth of them. Just promise me you won’t let anyone guilt you into feeling or pretending that your reality is not what it is. There are other people who would not take it as hard as it hitting you, but they are not you. There are others of us for whom you verbalize the depth that we also live our loves. If I had been following your blog when I went through this you would have validated my reality. Even 20+ years later, you are validating the memories, so let me endorse that right back to you!

It totally bites and it won’t get better overnight, but it will get better eventually. Of that I am certain.

Lisa H November 24th, 2011 @ 7:54 am

Thinking of you today. I hesitate to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving; I’m sure this day is difficult enough without polite but robotic well-wishes. So I’m going to wish you a day of minimal tears and maybe even some smiles and laughter. Abigail and Chris already wrote so many other things I wanted to write, so I’m just going to echo their sentiments.

Katariina Lensu November 24th, 2011 @ 9:21 am

Thinking of you too. It seems to me that you have not failed in any way. Quite the contrary. You are going through a painful situation with so much grace. You are thinking of what is best for your little boy even when it is hard, and trying to make your way through the pain instead of hiding from it. I too want to echo in particular Chris’s sentiments: the only way to the other side to feeling good and happy again is through the pain. Your ex-husband may seem to be doing ok but he too will have to make his way through all the feelings eventually, one way or the other.

I am sorry you are feeling lonely! I hope Thanksgiving turns out better than you had expected. Or at the very least that the time will pass quickly for you through today and the rest of the weekend.

MaconMom November 24th, 2011 @ 10:38 am

Sending you good thoughts today. One breath at a time.
Your ability to be honest is incredible. It can be so hard to do!!
My guess is that he has moments when he wonders what he’s done to you, him, and J.
J and your ex are lucky to have you. You are so cognizant of your actions and words as they relate J’s relationship with him.
You are being a proactive mom! So many are not (not that that helps bring you any comfort ). If you need to vent, yell, scream, call or come on over! I’ve been wanting to do that today!