Saturday, 18 January 2014

Communal Toilets - Nothing Private about that

Working in a large office environment you have no choice but to get acquainted with the toileting habits of your work comrades and this has lead me to believe that the human female species is actually pretty disgusting with their nether region movements. Here are my observations, my ponderings, my musings if you must on the state of Australian Ablutions

One Flush , Two Flush? - I understand the two flush if you have done a certain type of nasty movement and there is still evidence remaining, that's just courtesy but why flush the toilet before you start. There is a girl/s at my work that the first thing they do is flush the toilet when they enter the cubicle. On talking to the girls last night apparently this is to get rid of anything that may be in the bowl and risk splashing up when you are doing your business. How strong is your stream for fucks sake??? If you have a wee that can cause splash back you should probably call the Guinness book of records about that.

Washing your hands - BEFORE YOU BEGIN??? I can understand doing it once you have finished but what is the mind set behind washing your hands before you go into the cubicle? Surely you know where your hands have been and should be ok with them going down into your garden? And unless I have been doing it wrong this whole time, there should be a layer of something between your hand and your vagina so it should be protected from all of those nasty somethings. I don't even ever remember washing my hands before going to the toilet when I had been working on my car all day and my hands were greasy as a deep fryer... and I don't think that makes me a bad person. After all there are water restrictions and everybody has to do their bit to save the planet.

Strain - Yes its true, sometimes when we try to poop we have to concentrate a bit harder but I personally feel that we should reserve these kind of movements for when we are in the privacy of our own houses. If you are sitting at work and your brow is creased in concentration while you are trying to push out a giant log its not ready yet. Let it cook for a bit longer before you try and take it out of the over. Having to smell your poop is one thing, but actually having to hear it fight its way out of you is another one entirely.

Same Schedule - I don't know who's fault this one is but I am going to blame it on mother nature, I am now on the same peeing schedule as another lady that is in my building. I have heard of women synchronising their menstrual cycles but their toilet breaks as well?(yes guys this actually happens. I mustn't have a dominant cycle because its always me that changes to suit everyone else). Now every time we see each other in the washing up area (atleast 3 times a day) we both awkwardly laugh and make that stupid dad joke "we have to stop meeting like this, people will start to talk". I even started using the toilet on level 2 so it doesn't happen.

Neglected Middle Cubicle - Its pretty common that the cubicle closest to the door gets the most usage, and then the one at the end because everyone likes the safety of the wall beside them, but what about the poor middle cubicle? It is only really looked at as a second option if the two ends are taken. I have started to make the middle cubicle mine now just so it doesn't feel left out. This may also have something to do with the traumatic experience that happened a few weeks ago. After 5.30 when everyone had gone home I thought I would do a sneaky poop before I went home (I felt the need), I went into the first cubicle, finished my business without much strain and then on looking down to retrieve some toilet paper I noticed that both rolls were empty. There is no drip dry option with number twos so I had to do the awful rotunderpants around my ankle shuffle to the middle cubicle to retrieve some paper. I feel that I owe the middle cubicle its dues now.

Nest Building - How much is too much? is there overkill on the amount of toilet paper that you need to adequately complete your clean up? Either you have made a giant mess or you are lining your nest. I sit in my cubicle hoping that I don't let out a little fart while I am relaxing to do a wee and you are sitting in yours pulling sheet after sheet off the roll. What do you do with it? I am a three sheet for a wee (folded in half and then half again) and 5 sheets for a poop (same principle, in half and then half again. Repeat until clean, three times minimum even if the first two come up clean). Maybe they need so much because they are scrunchers, there is no method to the scrunchers madness.

Urine on the Seat - In my office, I am equal youngest, I have been wiping myself for say 25 years now and I think that I have it down pretty well. If I can do it I wonder why others cant? Its not like I am asking you preform brain surgery. Considering this information, how the fuck do people still manage to get piddle on the seat when they are done? If it was an isolated incident I could forgive it but this is at least a twice daily occurrence. Two things come in to play here 1. How did it happen and 2. Why didn't you check the area before you left? On pondering this question last night one of my friends offered this explanation "its those ladies with filthy pubic hair who stand up to wipe themselves and drip everywhere". In my head the only image that I have is of those dogs with the furry mouths after they have had a drink. WHYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Shit Stains - I may have changed my thoughts on this but it is ok to shit at work if you really need to but I still believe that you should have some etiquette about it. If you make a stain, clean it up. I have been into the toilet on a few occasions and there has been stains that go all the way up to the rim. Clearly if you have managed to have it as far reaching as that you are in for a bad time and you should probably be at home nursing your exploding anus.

Yes I feel strongly about toileting, I feel its one of those issues that is neglected. And here I am just saying what everyone else is really thinking. Happy movements people, and here is to hoping you don't have to be involved in anyone elses.