I have been to weddings where there is no menu choice and it is not a buffet. Everyone gets the chicken (or filet or whatever) and that is it. At the last wedding I attended, it was a plated meal and everyone was served the same thing, a small filet and a piece of salmon. My sister won't eat beef, so she and I traded. She had two pieces of salmon and I had two pieces of beef.

Yeah, I have either seen this or buffets. WillyNilly's scenario of being asked at the table has never, ever, ever happened to me.

I have been to weddings where there is no menu choice and it is not a buffet. Everyone gets the chicken (or filet or whatever) and that is it. At the last wedding I attended, it was a plated meal and everyone was served the same thing, a small filet and a piece of salmon. My sister won't eat beef, so she and I traded. She had two pieces of salmon and I had two pieces of beef.

Yeah, I have either seen this or buffets. WillyNilly's scenario of being asked at the table has never, ever, ever happened to me.

I didn't ask guests at the table, but I did have a spot on the RSVP card where they could check box for chicken, beef or vegetarian. That way I ordered the right amount of each.

I think you RSVP yes. Then, call them and say that you'd like to know when they need their final numbers because you do sometimes have health flare ups, and you'd hate to put them out. That way you can make sure your numbers are in in time.

I assume the issue is that having food that other people have handled is too much of a health risk. I suspect it wouldn't be too hard to ask that you be allowed to make up a plate (or have the caterers do so) before people go through the line. That's what we did for my Great Aunt at my sister's wedding.

I would say you RSVP yes, no mention of possibly being too sick so far in the distance. I think that unplanned catastrophic illness is an accepted excuse for bowing out later, there is no need for pre-approval on that.

If you have no other diet restrictions other than "no buffets," I would have DH contact the cousin. "Hey, we are so excited to come to your upcoming wedding. We have kind of an odd question...because of immunity issues, my wife has been told by her doctor that she cannot eat from buffets. This won't keep us from coming either way, but can you let me know if the wedding meal is plated or buffet? If it is a buffet, we just need to know in advance so that we can bring an alternative meal for her. I am sorry to request such a random detail from you so far in advance, and if you haven't nailed that down yet, I can circle back with you closer to the date. Again, we can't wait to see you, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!"

OP, I would RSVP yes, but not mention health issues until necessary. If something happens you can always call the HC and express your regrets for not coming due to illness. Only a total boor would get upset about something like this.

As for the food issue, let them know sooner rather than later that you have restrictions. They may be able to have the caterer provide a special meal for you or you may be able to bring your own. Please don't fell it necessary to eat in the restroom. No one will think badly of you if you have to eat more often due to health reasons.

I would RSVP. You want to go, your DF wants to go and all the family want you there. That's a good start! Like others have said, I would RSVP and if it turns out you have a serious illness nearer the time and cannot go, just tell them then (giving as much notice as is possible). It's not rude to cancel for a serious illness. If you are still worried, I would call your family and enthusiastically say you would love to go and can't wait but just so they are aware of the situation, just tell them what you told us - that you want to go, are most likely going to be able to go but that if conditions worsen, there might be a small possibility you will be unable to. I think most reasonable people would find that fine.

Regarding the meal, I wouldn't request a specific meal but say something to them along the lines of: "just to let you know, don't worry about counting me as a head for the buffet meal. I have a medical condition which means I can only eat certain things so I would just like to let you know to help you guys out so you don't have to spend any more expenditure than necessary". Be sincere about this. You really are helping them out. They can then decide if they would like to make gesture of enquiring if they can arrange a special meal for you or ask if there is anything else you could eat that they could accommodate. I know this is what I would try to do if a guest said the same thing to me. Regardless of this, perhaps take a large purse and take a wholesome snack or selection of snacks. Eat before and after the reception if you can and if the reception is in the same hotel you are staying in, you're most likely going to be able to nip upstairs to your hotel room or sit in the car for ten minutes to eat the food you need pretty easily.

Since the dinner and downtime ("why don't they GET ON WITH IT?") at the average reception is interminable, tell them you'll be there to congratulate them and dance, but not to eat ... then have something cold that fits your diet in your car, and duck out discreetly and without comment to eat, then return.

If we were having a buffet at my wedding (which we aren't) and I was faced with the same situation I would talk to the caterers myself to make sure the OP got a plated dish. It would not be too much trouble at all.

But why do alternate drops have etiquette issues? We're having a salad and a risotto, then steak or chicken with cake for dessert. Anything bad about that?

If we were having a buffet at my wedding (which we aren't) and I was faced with the same situation I would talk to the caterers myself to make sure the OP got a plated dish. It would not be too much trouble at all.

But why do alternate drops have etiquette issues? We're having a salad and a risotto, then steak or chicken with cake for dessert. Anything bad about that?

I have not previously heard of the concept of "alternate drops" at a wedding reception, but it seems inherently...incorrect. So if you are having steak and chicken, that means that regardless of personal preference your guests are going to get one or the other based on where they happen to be seated? It seems to me that would result in lots of plate swapping, as surely there will be people who prefer one over the other. Or the servers getting tons of requests from guests ("No, no, I really would prefer the steak. Please give me that instead of the chicken" which could result in there being a shortage if one option is strongly preferred over the other). Either that or you'll wind up with guests who feel slighted because whatever the other people got to eat will be perceived as the "better" option. I'd think that either serving everyone the same thing or allowing the guests to choose which they prefer would be the more polite options.

Logged

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

I have been to weddings where there is no menu choice and it is not a buffet. Everyone gets the chicken (or filet or whatever) and that is it. At the last wedding I attended, it was a plated meal and everyone was served the same thing, a small filet and a piece of salmon. My sister won't eat beef, so she and I traded. She had two pieces of salmon and I had two pieces of beef.

Yeah, I have either seen this or buffets. WillyNilly's scenario of being asked at the table has never, ever, ever happened to me.

Maybe it's regional? Unless it's a buffet, I've always been asked at the table. I've never had to choose ahead of time.

If we were having a buffet at my wedding (which we aren't) and I was faced with the same situation I would talk to the caterers myself to make sure the OP got a plated dish. It would not be too much trouble at all.

But why do alternate drops have etiquette issues? We're having a salad and a risotto, then steak or chicken with cake for dessert. Anything bad about that?

I have not previously heard of the concept of "alternate drops" at a wedding reception, but it seems inherently...incorrect. So if you are having steak and chicken, that means that regardless of personal preference your guests are going to get one or the other based on where they happen to be seated? It seems to me that would result in lots of plate swapping, as surely there will be people who prefer one over the other. Or the servers getting tons of requests from guests ("No, no, I really would prefer the steak. Please give me that instead of the chicken" which could result in there being a shortage if one option is strongly preferred over the other). Either that or you'll wind up with guests who feel slighted because whatever the other people got to eat will be perceived as the "better" option. I'd think that either serving everyone the same thing or allowing the guests to choose which they prefer would be the more polite options.

And that's exactly how we deal with it. But no, you don't ask the waitstaff for another dish as that's not how it works.

Its not odd or offensive when its the norm. I've never been to a sit down wedding which hasn't been alternative drop, and I've never been asked my meal preference on an invitation. Its only odd to you because its unusual.

I have never been to an alternate drop wedding. Most are buffets or choose at time RSVP. Once or twice I have been asked at the table.

OP--RSVP yes and include a note not to include you--be sure that you are specific that it is just you-- in the headcount for dinner as you are on a restricted diet. Then if the hc wishes to offer something else they will; if not you can eat before and after and stick snacks in your purse. I would not mention your health concerns. If you have to cancel due to medical reasons, that is acceptable.

Alternate drop is the norm here, and I don't see any problem with it as long as the choices are not too strange and the people at the table know each other. Most peoole will eat chicken, most peoole will eat steak.