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Tag Archives: exercise

Three days ago (on a Tuesday actually, because who really starts things on Mondays? Mondays equal failure,) I decided to get into some sort of exercise regimen – or at least something resembling exercise. I state it as such because it’s been literally six months since I’ve exercised on a regular basis and my body — rightfully so — is rebelling against any form of movement that causes stretching, burning, or general pain.

The routine is off to a slow start and after three days of attempted fitness I realize what I really need is an oil can so I can lubricate my once flexible but now oh-so-creaky joints.

Lube me up and call me fit...

I’m starting off slow by doing 15 minute sessions of yoga in the morning before work (look Ma! I feel refreshed and stretched!), and by power walking with my dog for an hour in the evenings, during which said workout my vocal cords are also getting a workout of their own (No, Mary Jane! No! NO! SIT! Slow down!).

Nothing beats a workout buddy...

I attempted a little kettle bell workout and it was more than adequate in getting me sore enough to feel productive with my body. I also attempted a session on one of my mother’s most awkward impulse purchases, the Ab Circle Pro; a noisy assemblage of plastic, steel, wheels. That’s pretty much all there is to the Ab Circle Pro. You place your knees on the cushy knee pads, grab onto the handle bars and swing your body from left to right and vice versa – kind of like a pendulum. Oh the swinging fun those abs are having!

Also known as a modern torture machine.

I call it the Circle of Burned Vision, because once you see your mother attempt to do the inner thigh exercise on this piece of “machinery”, well, there’s no going back to the person you used to be. Picture your mother “in position” on the machine. Got it? Good…good…Now, imagine she’s spreading her legs wide apart as if each knee is trying to reach its corresponding handlebar. And you’re watching this from the back. Don’t turn away! Be strong. You can survive this. So yeah, I think the Ab Circle Pro has earned that nickname, fair and square.

I’m going to stay optimistic that this little bit of exercise that I do every day will help me regain my strength and muscle tone, and hopefully I’ll look better in a bikini come next summer. My ultimate goal is to be able get through five breaths of this yoga position:

What has two thumbs and is muy loco for wanting to master this? Me!

Right now I can’t even get my toes off the ground. But damn it, I will get there. I can do it! I will do it! Who wants to hold me accountable?

You know it’s a slow work day when you start getting tired of trolling around the Internet. I’m starting to feel like an agoraphobe – except I’m not holed up in a dark room with only my thoughts and my imaginary friends to keep me company.

If I really wanted to I could probably look around for something to do. But then again, it’s a Sunday and I don’t get any days off until the end of September, so I think I’ll continue towards my goal of permanently gluing my ass to the seat. I’m in such a lazy mood today that I’ve been wanting to go the bathroom for the last half hour and have yet to go…at this point my bladder is crying out for help.

*BREAK*

Update: Bladder at last relieved.

I keep thinking that when I get home today I’ll be good and I’ll start doing a little bit of exercising. Maybe a few squats and push-ups. A little bit of yoga, perhaps. Or some ab work. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just do something productive with my time? I haven’t exercised in 6 months and I’m starting to feel like a melting ice-cream cone:

The current state of my thighs.

I need to get back into a program – work out those muscles. Lift my ass up. Tighten up those bat wings. Turn that keg into a six-pack.

Basically I need to turn into this:

Body courtesy of Jane Fonda.

A few years ago I would train with a former bodybuilder/current Oakland police officer. His name was Joe and he was a hard-ass. With Joe I reached many milestones. Like completing a push-up. I also completed a tricep-dip. And I was totally committed.

At the time I used to work in San Mateo and I would drive up to Pacifica after work, have Joe work me over (oh, doesn’t that sound naughty) for two hours and head up North through the Bay Bridge to go home to Oakland. I would basically travel a 100+ mile circle every single day, including weekends. Needless to say I only lasted a year with this schedule.

I did experience a couple of firsts with Joe. Besides the push-up and the tricep-dip accomplishments, I found out what it feels like to pee on yourself because you’ve been holding it in while doing circuit training and now Joe has you doing non-stop jumping jacks and all that does is tease your bladder into relieving itself. The sensation of warm piss running down your legs is unforgettable, to say the least.

I also experienced the trauma of bursting your eye veins because you have 200 lbs. of weight on your shoulders and you’re in a deep squat and now your job is to push those 200 lbs. back into a standing position. And you have to push so hard to complete the squat that it literally makes the veins in your eye burst. I looked like some sort of cyclopic vampire – one bright red eye wandering in the night.

Who needs to see a burst eye vein, anyway? This picture is so much more fun! It's TYRA!

So yeah, you could say I have a lot to aspire to as far as my fitness goes.