On Wholeness

Feeling whole and feeling like nothing is missing are two different things to me. There’s that old metaphor that gets used about the Japanese bowls being repaired with gold and looking more fabulous than they were before, and yes, that’s a wonderful metaphor for healing. But even though those bowls are whole, they can still be empty.

I’ll just say this up front, I feel whole. There are a couple little cracks a way deep down inside that could maybe be filled, but I don’t feel broken. (What is broken? Sam Winchester in the current season of Supernatural; he’s fucking broken.)* What is wholeness? I guess to me wholeness is having everything you need to get through the day and then recharge at the end of the day. If I’m not able to do that, I am definitely not whole.

But again, just because I feel whole doesn’t mean there’s nothing missing from my life. I could still do with a whole lot more love, peace, compassion, and kindness. I’m ready and willing to be filled with joy and caring. The spaces my loved ones fill will never be full, and this bowl can grow to accommodate new ones.

Being whole for me is more about being functional. Can I function in my everyday life? Yes? Then I am whole. But that doesn’t mean nothing’s missing. It doesn’t mean I don’t need more. There may not be a hole, but at times there is an empty space waiting to be filled.

Want to get real personal here? I want to be a mom. I’ve always wanted to be a mom (okay, except for like a month in high school when I thought it was cool to want to be a spinster). The fact that I’m thirty-one and not even pregnant hurts sometimes. That is one part of me that is definitely ready to be filled. If I never had kids, would I survive? Yes. I would continue to function, but it is definitely something missing from my life.

That yearning to do and have something else in my life doesn’t negate the feeling of wholeness I have, though. I am a complete person no matter what happens or doesn’t happen to me.

What makes you feel whole? When was the last time you felt broken or incomplete?

*Sorry, not sorry for bringing up Supernatural. I’m really emotional about next season being the last, and whenever I scroll through the hashtags on Instagram and Twitter, I start crying. Those guys are unbelievable, and even though the ending is timed perfectly, it’s still sad to see it end.