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Jan 17, 2015

How to Fake Being Rich

Unless you're a long lost Kardashian or an heir to the
throne of Genovia, chances are you're nowhere close to being rich. Because actually
working hard and earning money is such a hassle, your best bet for a luxurious
life is just to fake it!

- Just because you're a mere commoner doesn't mean you can't
tell people that you are a long lost Kardashian or the next ruler
of Genovia. No one should question you because of the strategic "long
lost" phrase and the mention of a fictitious country should be believable
enough. Add roman numerals and accents to your name to seem extra important.

- Hire a personal staff (or since you're poor, blackmail your friends into being your staff). "Oh this is Jacob; he grabs/picks up/touches everything so I don't have to use my hands. Melissa physically moves my legs for me and Loretta smells things so I don't have to. I also have staff to see, hear, and think for me. You don't?"

- Look the part. Buy a long cheetah print fur coat, gold
crown, cape, and bejeweled scepter and live
and breathe in it. But, because you probably can't afford that (obviously,
you're reading this post), tape one dollar bills all over your shirt and pants.
You're only wasting like $50 on an outfit that makes you look like you're so
rich that you wear money for clothes. "What? This old thing? I just threw it on." You're welcome.- Get a terrible haircut. While it looks like your hair has been eaten/mauled/tortured, everyone will think it's chic and trendy.

- Bring your own tablecloth, dinnerware, silverware, and centerpiece to every fast food restaurant you eat at. Even at McDonald's, assert the fact that you always dine with class. Make a show eating those chicken nuggets and fries with 4 different sized forks.

- Adopt an accent. Nothing says "I have a summer home
in Spain, China, and Prague" like an accent. Make it as obscure as
possible to show that you've visited so many countries you've adopted all their
accents. Just mumble random chants and sounds. If you sound like you're in a cult, you're doing it right.