We Will Probably Never Find Out The True Shape Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Penis

Well, this is a setback. Back in September, Jeffrey Epstein was deposed re: spending time sans pants with a 15 year-old and asked, “Is it true that you have an egg-shaped penis?”. Apparently this made Mr. Sensitive feel uncomfortable, so much so that he had to storm out of the room in a huff, when what he should’ve done was dropped trou and said “You tell me.” Anyway, we were slightly skeptical– does such a thing exist in nature?– but assumed we’d get an official answer soon. Today, our curiosity has been dealt a blow.

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