Climate negotiators begin to suspect grandmother’s eyes, teeth

Suspicions aroused over the motivations of so-called grandmother

As the climate negotiation tribe gathers once again for the annual ritual of sleep deprivation and lengthy speeches, an unusual unrest has been starting to spread through the ranks of gathered officials. Rumours have been heard that a leading chairperson in the process, known as Grandmother, may not be everything “she” appears to be. One prominent negotiator, wearing a trademark hooded red coat, said that she was becoming suspicious of the meaning behind Grandmother’s words, and was particularly alarmed by the size of Grandmother’s eyes. But on raising a point of order to ask “Oh! Grandmother, what big eyes you have!” she was quickly reassured that nothing was amiss. However, as tensions mounted later on in the plenary negotiations, the negotiator was forced to intervene again, exclaiming “Oh! Grandmother, what big teeth you have!”. At the point the Chair led the individual in question outside for a backroom bilateral, the outcome of which remains unknown. Rumours abound that the meeting was neither particularly long-term nor co-operative. Meanwhile, questions are also being asked about the motives of the owners of this year’s negotiation venue, known to be a neighbour and close ally of Grandmother.

In other news, the Goldilocks Foundation has released an alarming report stating that for the past several years, not even a single bowl of porridge has been found that demonstrates temperature properties said to be “just right”. In a marked departure from what used to be thought of as normal, all samples examined were either “too hot”, “too cold”, or even “too lumpy”, a condition thought to be caused by unprecedented extreme weather events impacting porridge production .

I’ll huff and I’ll puff…

Elsewhere, Little Pig #3, known to his former friends as “Mr Smug”, was unavailable for comment as his brick house, located as it was on the New Jersey coastline, has been smashed to pieces by Hurricane Sandy. Eye-witnesses say it collapsed in seconds, “almost as though it had been built out of sticks or even straw”.