1.07.2011

ElecTRONica

“Hi. I’m a market researcher for Disney. How do we get you, random Disneyland guest, into California Adventure?”

“Your park is lame. You need to make it like Vegas.”

“Ha, yeah, okay. Thanks for your time… D-Bag.”

Back at headquarters:

“Well minions? What did you learn from your 25 hours of polling guests today? Anyone? Did anyone here get to talk to a guest?”

“I did talk to ONE, sir. But it’s a really bad idea.”

“What is it? Make a 4th Cinderella? Hey, that's a great idea!”

“No. He uh… He said we need to make California Adventure more like Vegas. Ha. Can you believe…”

“You. Are. Promoted.”

And that, boys and girls, is how ElecTRONica was born. You see what they did there? The ‘Tron’ bit is in CAPS.

Tron is a cult classic 80s film about people fighting computers, from the inside, that are trying to take over (Which I have come to understand from science fiction of the day, was a legitimate fear in the 80s).

As you know, Disney has recently released a modernized sequel: Tron Legacy. Here’s the thing, when studios know that a movie is going to well, not be good, they spend A TON of money on advertising. That way, when people find out the movie sucks, it’s too late, because the studio made back all its money on the opening weekend. I’m not saying the movie is ALL BAD, but there sure has been a lot of studio-generated hype for Tron. I remember seeing the first teaser trailer YEARS AGO. And what about Tangled? That movie came out of the same studio around the same time. How come Tangled isn’t the theme of a Disneyland nightclub?

Anyway, the Tron nightclub in Disney’s California Adventure is actually a lot like the movie. In that, the special effects are awesome, but the content is lame.

Standing in the middle of the Hollywood portion of DCA when the Nightclub turns on is pretty neat. Bass shakes us to the core, screens all around us show abstract Trony stuff, the lights set the mood, and Tron gogo dancers lead us to the dace floor.

"Dance for me."

Then we head toward the main event, the dance floor – over by Muppets (That’s right, you too can get down next to Kurmit and the gang). The Dj is up in his cylindrical tower spinning tunes. Clearly, a lot of this is inspired by Daft Punk (Daft Punk did the music for Tron, this decision was awesome, but really unusual for Disney). Daft Punk and Disney sittin’ in a tree S-I-G-N-I-N-G an exclusive contract.

"No one can touch this."

Here’s the thing about the dance floor. It’s just out in the middle of this whole thing. And you’re meant to dance AROUND the Dj’s tower. The floor is set up so that all eyes are on whoever is brave enough to do the dancing at the moment. I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to dance I want to do it in a nice back corner.

Now, I don’t know if you know this, SoCal locals, but Disney has a thing for profit. I’m not saying I mind. Heck, I’ve had an annual pass every year for as long as I can remember ($329). But, Isn’t that enough? Do I really have to pay $15 for a 6oz cocktail? At least cough up a little more for quality booze. And don’t you dare play ignorant: “We’re Disney and we’re so wholesome that we don’t even know what alcohol is. How do we make a mojito? With battery acid?” There’s no way Mickey doesn’t appreciate a Whiskey Sour every now and again. I mean he has a lot on his plate. He puts up with international fame, running the most trusted and recognizable brand name of our day, and Minnie seems like a real piece of work. Maybe it’s different for mice, but that kind of stress would turn any human into an alcoholic.

"What does this game want from me?"

If you’re not into dancing in front of EVERYONE or spending a million dollars on bad mixed drinks, there’s FLYNN’S arcade. FLYNN’S is really cool. Old 80s videogames and 80s tunes blasting throughout. I really enjoy the scene in there. I couldn’t bring myself to actually pay for any of these games that I can play for free online, but my friend, Crysta, had a go at a couple and it was great fun.

After about half an hour of ElecTRONica, we gave up and went on Tower of Terror.

Well, you're right by saying they did a lot of market research on ElecTRONica. But, you see, its not Vegas they're trying to emulate- it's the new electronic music scene. Every John Q Ravekid has finally caught on to the electronic music scene as it is now gone mainstream. This event triggered Disney to jump on the trend by dusting off Tron- a movie that the general public shunned but all us cyberpunkers fucking ate up. Now suddenly, Tron is the cool kid at the table.

And I'm totally not complaining. It's like being in a William Gibson novel. It's fucking Blade Runner in the Happiest Place on Earth. And the sweetest part about all of it is that Disney's terrified of what they have created. That's why the Tron suits in the park are incredibly unflattering and the ladies can only dance with their arms. It's Disney making this weird compromise with something totally outside their usual comfort zone.

And Laserman! While I was enjoying by buzz on what I thought was a pretty good mojito, I watched a man manipulate lasers as if he was Hal Jordon.

Seriously, who goes to dance while hiding in a back corner? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of going to a dance in the first place? And sure, there are a lot of shuffling high school hipsters out in front of the live DJ. Who cares? They're actually playing halfway decent mixes. When they opened up the night I was there, I couldn't stop geeking out over how Daft Punk's "Crescendolls" was bumping all up and down the street.

And nothing will ever beat the feel of the classic arcade cabinet. In a world where the arcade has gone the way of the dodo, it feels damn good to play Ms. Pacman the way that sweet lady deserves to be played.

And I did all of this IN THE POURING RAIN! It was raining buckets and I didn't care. If anything it made everything look even more like Blade Runner. Tech noir bitches!