Metal Band Fires Drummer In Most Metal Way Possible: Via Singing Telegram

For a brief period in the late ’90s and early aughts, Slipknot was the biggest thing in metal. And their drummer Joey Jordison, known for performing difficult solos while upside down or spinning in a giant metal cage, was the most metal of them all. That’s why it’s so shocking (and frankly, hilarious) to hear Jordison’s claim that the band fired him last year via singing telegram.

“I was sitting in my living room playing Skyrim, when there was a knock at my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so I was like, ‘Who could that be?’. I opened the door to find a guy in what looked like an old-fashioned elevator boy outfit. He did a little jig and started to sing this horrible song letting me know I’d been let go from the group.”

Jordison also provided Metal Sucks with a lyric sheet to the musical pink slip, which really brings into question Slipknot’s ability to write songs at all.

I am your singing telegramSent to you this DecemberTo let you know you’re not a memberOf our band anymoreSo don’t get hit by the doorOn your way outIt’s no use to cry and shoutYou were once one of The NineBut without you we’ll be fine“What will ‘Knot be without me?”Well we’ll tell you and you’ll seeWe’ve already hired a JewTo take the drum spot away from youNo, this message ain’t in jestYes, we wish you all the best!We just don’t want you with usWhen we get back on the busPlease don’t try to beg or barterNow you have more time for Scar the Martyr!Yaaaaaayyyyy Joey!!!P.S. In case it wasn’t clear, you’re fired.

Here’s hoping the next band firing is similarly incongruous. Maybe One Direction can fire Harry Styles by burning his house down, or the Jonas Brothers can oust Joe by throwing his pet turtle off a cliff.