I was standing a night watch on the pier with two other sailors. As the night wore on we started telling “sea stories” and the watch supervisor brought up this gem.

Pier Supervisor: Well the weirdest thing I ever saw was… I was patrolling the ship and opened up the door to one of the fan rooms and found … O wait I can’t tell you. You’re a woman, you might get me in trouble over this.

Me: What? No. Just tell it.

Pier Supervisor: It’s really bad… I don’t want to get in trouble.

Me: Seriously, I won’t complain about a naughty story. I’m not like that, really.

Pier Supervisor: … OK. When I opened the door to the fan room, one of my coworkers was… pleasuring himself anally with a foxtail brush…

Me: *after I caught my breath from laughing*… So was it one of those round ones or the flat kind?

I’m in a class full of Freshman, including myself, and I’m getting dressed for P.E. A strange kid in the class has rarely ever talked throughout the year. He has a lot of scars on his back and he tries to hide himself. He chose the locker in the back at the beginning of the year, and he only talks to the coach.

One day this kid in my class was just p***** off and wanted to pick on someone smaller than him. He walked up to the strange kid and hit him in the back of the head while he was changing. He laughed and the kid who was hit turns around, and reveals that he is ripped. He had a full on six pack, biceps, etc. He laughs and punches the bigger kid out in one blow. He walks up to me as I was watching it all unfold and says, “Sorry about that, some scumbags just don’t understand when they should use words rather than fists.” He smiles, puts on his shirt and leaves me standing over a kid knocked out cold on the ground.

(I am at a friend’s house and he is showing me a video game of his. He just told me how you can have the main character have sex with all the other characters on the ship, including the robot and except for the Vice President. I’m still trying to process this when he has the main character go around and “romance” a few of the characters, including the robot, to show me how everyone reacts, what his character says to them, and ecetera. I’m still processing and trying to figure out what the hell the game writers and designers were smoking when he also decides to show me that when you change the character’s outfit, you can have him be nude.)

Me: “…What…?”

Friend: “Yeah. You can go streaking, too.”

Me: “???”

Friend: “And you get money and XP for it.”

Me: “what?!”

Friend: “And respect points. And respect is how you level up in the game.”

Me: *mentally broken at this point* “……What?”

(His mom calls him and he answers.)

Friend: “Hey, mom. I think I broke (my name). I showed her how in my game, you can go streaking and make money by doing it. I wish it were that way in the real world.”

Me: “Well, you can, like if you gamble on it. Say someone tells you they’ll give you $50 to go streaking down to (nearby gas station) and back.”

Friend: “Hey, I’d do it. Just walk nonchalantly down there.”

Me: “You’d have to sprint so they don’t catch you.”

Friend: “I don’t care, I’d still do it, just walk down. Just imagine the reactions of the cops. Like ‘oh, wow, someone is actually streaking. What do I do here, do I arrest them or something?'”

Me: “Well, considering public nudity is an offense, you would get arrested.”

Friend: “It depends on the cop. Like say I have a raging boner while I’m doing it and it’s a female cop. And she’s horny.”

(It had been a rough day, so my housemate and I decided to treat ourselves to some fast food with coupons that had come in the mail that day. She decided to wait in the car while I went in. There was a family finishing up their order at the counter(With some discussion, that i figured was just because of the number of kids they were ordering for))

Me: I’d like the two (Brand hamburger) meal deal *Hands him the coupon with the specific combination on it*

Cashier: Uh… *Stares at the coupon for quite a while* *Looks at his watch for a second or two* Uh, this coupon expired four days ago. *Hands it back*

Me: That’s strange, it just arrived today. *Looks a coupon date* Oh, no, this expires in May, not April. *Hands it back to him*

Cashier: Oh, yeah… *Looks at it a moment longer then pokes around at the register screen* *Calls over to where a pair of other employees, are assembling orders* Hey you. No, him. I don’t know how to put this in. *Other employee comes over and looks at the coupon then pokes at the register a bit*

Employee 2: I’m not sure either, I’ll call over the manager.

*Not sure how long this will take, I step aside to let the customer behind me order*

Customer: I’d like two Oreo milkshakes.

Cashier: *Looks confused* The only Oreo we have is the (Blended soft-serve dessert)

Customer: *Points to the menu* The Oreo shakes, right there in the drink section

Cashier: *Turns and looks at the menu for several seconds, then reiterates that they only have Oreo (Blended dessert)*

*The customer seems to realize it’s going nowhere and agrees to those desserts. By this time the resigned looking manager arrives and types in my order with the coupon in just a couple of seconds*