Wow, nothing on this card really looks promising or something that we haven’t already seen a bazillion times. You know I had a friend with an extra ticket for this show too. I could’ve got to talk to the Flair girls! I wonder if they’re crazier than their brother David. I’ve met the guy and man is he a BORE.

Your hosts are JR and King!

Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle

This is going to have to be a MOTYC to beat their match at One Night Stand II. Orton wraps himself up in the ropes on several occasions before grappling with the master. Angle finally takes Orton to the mat and hooks him in a chickenwing-like pinning combination for a near-fall. Once both men return to their feet, Angle grabs the ankle so Orton grabs the bottom rope and slides out to the apron. Angle forearms Orton in the face and tries to German suplex him off the apron. Just like every other time they’ve tried that move, it doesn’t happen. Orton elbows Angle off onto the floor, but then Angle ducks a clothesline and drops Orton with a German suplex on the floor. Angle brings Orton back in the ring with a suplex. Lawler criticizes Angle for having ECW on his mouthpiece. He just won’t let it go either! Back up, Orton pokes Angle in the eye and delivers a nice dropkick. They go to the floor where Orton throws Angle head-first into the security wall. Back in, Orton covers, 1, 2, NO! Orton punches away on Angle before applying the overactive chinlock. Angle Samoan drops out of it, but once Orton regroups, he returns right back to the chinlock. Angle elbows out this time, but then runs into a knee. Orton goes right back to the chinlock! You’ve got to be kidding me. Angle eventually rolls Orton off of him, but then runs into a clothesline. Orton goes up top, but Angle pops up there with him and throws Orton! Angle hits a belly-to-belly and goes for the ANGLE SLAM, but Orton slips out and delivers the inverted backbreaker. Orton covers for 1, 2, NO! Orton goes for the RKO, but Angle shoves him off into the corner. Orton catches himself, however, and unties the turnbuckle pad. Angle comes up from behind and starts up the Rolling Germans. This time Angle holds on past the three Germans and hits five more suplexes! Orton has to roll out of the ring after that to take a breather or a nap. Angle brings him back in and covers for 1, 2, NO! Angle tries for the ANKLE LOCK, but Orton kicks him away. Angle hits the ANGLE SLAM and pulls down the straps! He locks on the ANKLE LOCK! Orton finally reaches the ropes, but Angle pulls him back to the center of the ring! Just as he looks like he’s ready to tap out, he rolls through the hold which sends Angle face-first into the exposed turnbuckle. Angle staggers around into the RKO! Cover, 1, 2, 3! (12:45) Even without comparing it to their match they had two weeks earlier, it’s not their best stuff. **

In the back, Vince is on the phone talking to someone about how pissed he is at dX when a kid in a wheelchair shows up in front of him. The kid is all smiles, but he’s wearing a dX t-shirt. Vince thinks that Shawn and H are playing another prank on him and the kid starts to get scared. Since dX has been taking Vince on a little ride, Vince is going to take the kid in a WHEELCHAIR on a ride. Vince calls this ride the “highway to hell”! He wheels the kid into some empty room as people bang on trashcans to make it seem like the kid is really having a bad accident! Not really, but that’s how it came across. Vince closes the door and smiles like he’s one step ahead. After that, Coach comes in to tell Vince that dX has been hanging around his office and that they left a package by his door. Yeah, it’s a penis pump. Before Coach leaves, he asks Vince if he could take a moment to speak to a close family friend who wants to meet him. Coach explains he’s just a young kid in a wheelchair. ZOINKS! Vince says that’s fine and then he shakes his head at himself once Coach leaves.

Funny sign: “Umaga’s as interesting as playing Marco Polo with Helen Keller.” Estrada announces that Eugene has some friends with him, but it doesn’t matter because nobody can stop Umaga. I can’t wait for Hulk Hogan to squash him in ten seconds. The only legend people still care about out of these three is Duggan, but only because people like to cheer “USA!” at him. Typical Umaga match where he no-sells some punches, delivers the corner butt splash, and then the SAMOAN SPIKE for the win. (1:39) It’s got to be make people feel wonderful knowing they paid $40 to watch a Umaga squash. Post-match, Umaga destroys Doink and Duggan, but Estrada holds him back once Kamala gets involved. That sets up their match and the return of KIM CHEE~! on the next night. CRAP

Todd Grisham stands by with Mick Foley. He reads right out of Flair’s autobiography, which he calls a novel because he says it doesn’t contain facts, and reads the part where Ric calls Foley a “glorified stuntman”. Tonight, Mick is going to wipe the ring with him by using wrestling moves. So if he wants to write a new chapter in his next novel, he should call it, “How I was outwrestled by Mick Foley!” You know, his “woo” needs some throat spray.

Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair – 2/3 Falls

JR: “Michael Jordan is the second most popular man here in Charlotte, right behind this man.” We get a shot of the Flair girls in the front row. Immediately the crowd starts up the “Foley sucks!” chants. They lock up and Foley goes from a headlock to a hammerlock position. Flair counters into a hammerlock of his own. Foley can’t escape so he grabs the ropes. Flair works an arm wringer and Foley goes to the ropes once again. They lock up again and this time Flair takes Foley to the mat for an armbar. Once again, Foley reaches for the ropes. Flair walks away to strut and then comes back and takes a straight right to the face. Foley hammers Flair down into the corner and mocks the Flair strut. He charges at Flair with the running knee. Foley hits the DOUBLE-ARM DDT and pulls out Mr. Socko dressed up as Ric Flair! As Foley sets up for the MANDIBLE CLAW, Flair grabs him a whole bunch of testicles. Flair fights back with chops and goes up top! Since Flair’s face, he hits the single sledge but then jams his knee on the way down. Foley sees the problem and begins to work on the leg, but once he tries for the Figure-Four, Flair inside-cradles him to win the first fall. (4:09) Flair tries for another quick rollup but he only gets two this time. They go to the floor where Foley takes that knees-first steel steps bump. They go over the security wall for a bit, but then Flair takes a backdrop back over it. Foley tosses Flair into the ring and then tosses a trashcan into the ring. Foley acts like he’s going to nail Flair with it, but Flair trips him up and locks on the FIGURE-FOUR! Foley realizes he can’t escape the hold, so he DQ’s himself by nailing Flair in the head with the trashcan. (7:01) Flair wins – 2 falls to zero. Foley isn’t done yet as he grabs a barbed-wire bat from underneath the ring. Flair gets UGLY busted open here. The cameras show people in the audience with SAD looks on their faces as their hero is hurting badly. There was nothing too special here, but the feud looks to be continuing. *½

Maria interviews Carlito. Neither one makes any sense whatsoever as Torrie comes walking up and asking if Maria would rub baby oil ALL OVER HER BODY before her photo shoot. But first, she must ask Carlito if he’ll “hold her puppies for like three seconds.” She meant her actual dogs that she always carries around. Maria and Torrie do their thing as Carlito’s music hits, so he reluctantly puts down the puppies and leaves for his match.

Does it bother anybody else that Carlito and Shelton fought on this very show against each other last year for this same title? Nitro gets dumped right at the bell which leaves Shelton and Carlito to get a few quick near-falls on each other. Nitro comes charging back in and takes a backdrop by Carlito who was holding on to a headlock on Shelton Benjamin at the same time! Shelton shoves Carlito off into the ropes while Nitro comes springboarding over Carlito from the apron. He ducks a yakuza kick from Shelton which NAILS Carlito! Nitro ducks low off a whip from Shelton, but then Carlito dumps him before he can capitalize off Nitro’s mistake. Carlito trips up Nitro and catapults him to the floor out with Shelton. As Carlito looks to plancha out onto his opponents, Melina comes by and shoves Nitro out of harm’s way. Carlito caught himself in time and lands on the apron but then gets tripped up on the apron by Nitro. Carlito eats the steel ringpost thanks to Nitro. Shelton looks to have won a slugfest with Nitro but as he turns to go after Melina, Nitro starts slugging on him from behind. From out of nowhere, Carlito jumps from rope to rope and flip dives out on Nitro and Shelton! OH SNAP! Carlito throws Nitro back in to the ring and covers him for 1, 2, NO! Nitro comes back by going all Petey Williams on Carlito with a tilt-a-whirl Russian legsweep for a pair of near-falls. Carlito ducks a clothesline off a whip and then springboard backflips OVER Nitro and snaps off a BEAUTIFUL hurracanrana! Carlito sets up Nitro for the Bossman straddle but then Shelton slides in real quick-like and cuts off Carlito by pressing him up HIGH in the air! Shelton covers Carlito for 1, 2, NO! Oh MAN! Shelton T-BONES Nitro up and over the top rope and to the floor! That leaves Shelton and Carlito alone to duke it out. Shelton gets a suplex and a Samoan drop and then covers as Nitro comes in and breaks up the pin. Nitro whips Shelton hard into the corner and then charges in, but gets caught up into a powerbomb position and takes a fallaway snake eyes from Shelton for a near-fall as Melina puts Nitro’s foot on the bottom rope. Nitro rolls out to the floor again, which allows Carlito to deliver a victory roll on Shelton for 1, 2, NO! Carlito whips Shelton into the corner and then whips Nitro in as well, but Nitro catches himself and monkey flips Shelton into a Carlito dropkick! Carlito covers Shelton, but Nitro breaks it up at two. Nitro sets Carlito up in the corner for a superplex, but then he gets crotched by Shelton and then set up in a tree-of-woe position by Carlito. Shelton runs over and vertical LEAPS onto the top rope to set up a superplex on Carlito! Nitro sits up and delivers a GERMAN SUPLEX to Shelton, which gives Carlito a superplex at the same time! TOWER OF DOOOOOM! This gets a bigger reaction out of Charlotte than anything that happened the entire night. Nitro covers Carlito for 1, 2, NO! He can’t believe it, so he dumps Carlito and as he goes to cover Shelton, he gets rolled up for 1, 2, NO! Nitro whips Shelton into the corner but then charges into a boot and turns around into a Carlito clothesline. Carlito gets an inside cradle on Shelton for 1, 2, NO! Now Shelton and Nitro double-whip Carlito, which he ducks a clothesline and comes back with a springboard double back elbow! Carlito covers both men for near-falls. Nitro charges at Carlito so he pulls the top rope down to send him flying out to the floor, but then Carlito backs up right into an enziguri kick. Shelton covers for 1, 2, NO! Carlito delivers a throat-thrust and then reverses his own suplex into the BACKCRACKER! That brings the crowd to their feet as Carlito covers, but Nitro pulls him out to the floor and then slides in and covers Shelton for the 1, 2, and 3! We’ve got a NEW Intercontinental Champion! (12:05) I thought for sure they would’ve given the belt back to Carlito. Nitro doesn’t seem ready and this match proved that by him spending a lot of time out on the floor, but really, what do titles mean anymore? As far as the match goes, it was match of the night. This made the IC-Division seem more like the X-Division, which could bring good things in the future. ***¼

In the back, Vince pumps up the Spirit Squad for their match. Speaking of pumps, once the Spirit Squad leaves, Vince takes that penis pump into the bathroom. An explosion goes off and Vince comes out with green mist all over his face. It’s one of those MUTA PENIS PUMPS!

WWE/ECW Champion Rob Van Dam vs. Edge (w/Lita)

[sarcasm] And here I thought the champion was the main event. What was I thinking? [/sarcasm] Edge goes off on North Carolina for hiring Canadians to win the Stanley Cup. We won the Stanley Cup? Wow. Edge says he and Lita will have another live sex celebration once he wins the title, unlike North Carolina who has sex with their brothers and sisters. Huh? I’m pretty sure that’s a West Virginia joke, dude. Edge starts out mocking RVD and then backs him into the corner. RVD reverses a whip into the farside corner and tries for the monkey flip, but Edge lands on his feet. RVD tries a rollup using his legs but Edge kicks out at two. They lock up and go to the corner. RVD turns the tables on Edge and then whips him into the farside corner again. Edge flips out of the corner and misses a crossbody and then takes a standing moonsault for two. Edge decides to take a walk with Lita and then takes a baseball slide into the security wall. RVD goes out after Edge and delivers a moonsault press off the security wall. Lita pulls on RVD’s leg from the apron which allows Edge to regain control with a knee to the face. Edge follows that up with a sunset flip powerbomb onto the floor! Back in, Edge gets two. Edge pounds on RVD in the corner and whips him hard into the farside corner to set up a surfboard stretch. RVD kicks Edge in the face to get free. Edge gets sent out onto the apron and then RVD charges and delivers a crossbody as they both fall out to the floor! Holy Crap! RVD sets Edge onto the security wall for the spin kick from the apron, but Edge moves just in the nick of time. Back in, Edge hooks the leg for 1, 2, NO! Edge throws RVD back out onto the floor and then follows out to powerbomb RVD into the security wall! OUCH! Edge tosses RVD back in and covers for 1, 2, NO! Edge delivers a backbreaker and then tries to break RVD in half over his knee. RVD knees out of it and then they come to blows. Edge catches RVD coming off the ropes with a big boot. Edge charges at RVD in the corner and eats a boot, but then stops a tornado DDT. RVD still puts Edge down with a high kick to the face and then he levels Edge with a springboard reverse kick. RVD hits a backdrop on Edge then ducks a clothesline and hits a bridging German suplex for a 1, 2, NO! RVD sets up for the Rolling Thunder, but Edge pops up and counters with a powerslam. Edge covers for 1, 2, NO! RVD counters a charging Edge with a back elbow from the corner and then connects off the top with a thrust kick. He goes up top again for the FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH, but Edge rolls away. RVD changes his mind and goes for the Rolling Thunder from the top and it connects! Split-legged moonsault gets two. RVD flips out of a backdrop and then goes for a spin kick, but Edge ducks and he nails the ref by accident. Edge lays out RVD and asks Lita for a title belt. Once Edge has it in his hands, he turns around into a VAN DAMINATOR! Edge gets busted open the hard way! RVD goes up top to finish, but Lita is there to crotch his dreams! Edge goes over and takes RVD by the head and delivers a SPIKE DDT out of the corner. OUCH! Edge covers as the ref awakes from his coma to count 1, 2, NO! With the ref still trying to recover, Lita holds a steel chair in the corner as Edge sets up for the SPEAR. RVD avoids the SPEAR and lets Edge eat the chair! RVD goes up again for the FIVE-STAR FROG SPLASH! 1, 2, 3! RVD retains! (17:28) That’s horrible! The belt stays in ECW! Yeah, there’s some more sarcasm for you. This was a little above your typical WWE-style main event. **¾

In the ECW locker room, the mutants are going nuts cheering for RVD. Heyman walks in to get their heads straight and explain to them why they are even there in the first place. They’re so EXTREME~!!

Kane vs. Masked Imposter Kane – Matt’s Worst Nightmare Match

This is your “bowling shoe ugly” match of the evening. The real Kane looks like he’s doing all he can to not bust out laughing at this guy. By the way, this imposter is actually a pretty convincing clone. I mean, he’s even got the mannerisms down. They fight all around and Kane tries to pull off the imposter’s mask only ONCE and then since he can’t seem to pull it off, he just gives up on it. The real Kane hits a DDT coming off the ropes. Kane hits a pair of corner clotheslines and then the side slam. Both Kanes try for the Chokeslam, but neither man gets it. The imposter hits a big boot and goes up top for the clothesline, but then the real Kane stops him and kinda-sorta superplexes him to the mat. Kane hits a big boot and then goes up top for his version of the clothesline but gets GOOZLED on the way down! Imposter Kane hits the CHOKESLAM and that is the end of this one! (7:08) Boy, didn’t see that one coming. I am seriously not kidding you. ½*

John Cena vs. Sabu – Extreme Lumberjack Match

Haha, Lillian Garcia calls him Daa-ah-bu! The lumberjacks are Balls, Stevie, Sandman, Roadkill, Dreamer, Credible, Snow and Guido, while the Raw lumberjacks are basically all the regular Heat guys. You’ve got Val, Snitsky, Viscera, Striker, Cade, Murdoch, Conway and Haas. Sabu attacks from the get-go and tosses Cena out to the ECW guys. Cena fights them off and jumps back in the ring after Sabu with rights. The release fisherman suplex gets two. Cena throws Sabu out to the Raw guys and he gets tossed right back in by Cade and Murdoch. Cena hits a back elbow for two. Sabu tosses Cena out again into the ECW guys and they begin a-stomping on him. Cena gets tossed in but then tossed back out for Sandman to get in his Singapore cane head shot. He and Dreamer toss Cena back in for the TRIPLE-JUMP MOONSAULT! Sabu covers for 1, 2, NO! Sabu goes for the camel clutch. Cena stands up out of it and goes Hulk Hogan on Sabu by backing him into the corner. Sabu knew he was in trouble so he goes low on Cena. TRIPLE-JUMP LEGDROP by Sabu! He covers for 1, 2, NO! Sabu hits the ATOMIC FACEBUSTER for another near-fall. Cena avoids Air Sabu and here comes his big comeback. Just as he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, a fight erupts amongst the lumberjacks. Meanwhile, Sandman and Dreamer set up a table on the other side of the ring. Cena goes out and FU’s Stevie over the security wall and then turns around and gets a chair thrown right in his face by Sabu! Dreamer and Snow put Cena on the table and Sandman holds him down on it as Viscera comes by for the save. Sabu attempts to leap out onto Cena anyway, but gets nailed in the head with Sandman’s cane. Now Cena throws a chair in Sabu’s face and then FU’s him from the ring to the table on the floor! Snitsky and Viscera throw him in for the STFU. Sabu taps out! (6:19) I think Vince will put face Cena over EVERYONE in order for the crowd to take this guy seriously as many times as it takes for as long as it takes. *½

They air a SummerSlam 2006 ad which reminded me of the old WCW Great American Bash ads from the late ‘90s with the wrestlers all hanging out at a cookout and stuff with all their gear on just in case they’re going to wrestle or something.

RVD meets Cena in the back and puts him over for even showing up at One Night Stand, but then coming to the ECW show’s locker room, that took balls! RVD asks him if he wants a title match tomorrow night on Raw. Cena says that if RVD wants to give him a shot, he’ll take it.

DeGeneration-X vs. The Spirit Squad – 5-on-2 Handicap Match

DX does their old spiel which just isn’t the same. It’s like Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn trying to start their own fraternity. Hunter and Shawn should be shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond with their wives, not giving crotch chops and telling authority to “suck it”. Well, Johnny and Kenny are the only two Spirit Squatters I can recognize after nearly seven months of being on WWE television. Hunter and Shawn play some “rock, paper, scissors” to see who will start just like old times. Ok, I know this guy is Mitch because the rest of the Spirit Squad is cheering, “Here we go, Mitch, Here we go!” JR mentions that Shawn has had more shower time in his life than Mitch has had matches. Either Mitch is very inexperienced or HBK takes A LOT of showers. HBK doesn’t take Mitch very seriously, so Mitch muscles Michaels over into the corner and starts to punching and kicking on him. Mitch turns around to do the moonwalk and moonwalks right into a chop from Michaels. Mitch knees Shawn in the gut and tosses him into the Spirit Squad corner. Shawn fights out of a FIVE ON ONE SITUATION and tosses Mitch into Hunter’s corner. They double-team Mitch and then clear the ring of the other four guys. Johnny’s nose is busted open REAL good. I mean, he actually looks like he’s been in a fight. Johnny comes in and puts on a Karate Kid-esque bandana and does some mock martial arts. Shawn is a little freaked out so he tags in the H man. Johnny keeps it up and gets nailed in the face. HHH delivers a suplex and hits the Harley Race knee drop, except I don’t remember Race ever giving his opponent a crotch chop before he did it. Johnny goes to the eyes and tries to work Hunter over in the corner, but Hunter instead easily reverses a HARD whip into the buckle. HHH distracts the ref while Shawn posts Johnny real good. He gets back up all wobbly legged and to top it off, he gets pants by the Game. Hunter runs into a boot in the corner, which allows Johnny to tag in Mikey. He runs in and gets tossed out to the floor for HBK to crotch him on the security wall. Back in, Mikey wants a time out but yeah, you’re not getting one. Hunter goes out to the floor with the Spirit Squad where he gets quadruple-teamed into the steel steps. Back in, Mitch tags in Kenny who goes to work on HHH in the corner. Hunter ducks a clothesline and hits the neckbreaker. Shawn gets the tag as does Mikey. Shawn hits the flying forearm followed by the atomic drop. Now he has to fight off the Squatters before he can hit the top-rope elbow drop on Mikey. He connects and calls for the SWEET CHIN MUSIC. The Squatters attack again which brings in HHH. They dump everybody except for Johnny who sneaks in a sweet roundhouse kick on Shawn! Nicky tags in and covers Shawn for two. Shawn kicks Nicky in the face once he ducks low off a whip. Johnny tags in and gets nailed. Nicky yanks Shawn out to the floor where Kenny quickly DECKS Shawn with a steel chair to the face. They throw Shawn back in as Mikey comes running down the rampway and then uses their trampoline to bulldog Shawn from outside into the ring. Johnny covers for 1, 2, NO! The Squad continues to isolate Michaels away from his corner, but they just can’t keep HBK down for the three-count. HBK counters a double-back drop into a double-DDT to set up the hot tag to Triple H! He has spinebusters for everybody and then tries a PEDIGREE on Kenny, but Nicky is there to stop it from happening. The Spirit Squad tries another trampoline move on Shawn, but it backfires and takes out the whole Squad minus Kenny. He gets sandwiched in between DX and takes a PEDIGREE. I believe it was Mitch who tries to save, but he gets nailed with SWEET CHIN MUSIC for the double-pin. (17:51) This wasn’t anything different than what we’ve been seeing on Raw for the past three months or so. Post-match, Triple H plays a game of “Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo” on the carnage that is the Spirit Squad to see who will kiss his naked butt. Mitch gets picked to join the club. Hunter exposes his rear end and finds out what a wrestler’s butt really smells like first-hand! Before we end the show, Vince comes down and says, “Congratulations. I’ll see you two tomorrow night!” Hunter and Shawn look like they care about what Vince has to say about as much as I do. **

Final Thoughts: So far, Raw has yet to deliver for me this year. We’re six months in and they’ve yet to do anything I care about. Whether it’s ECW, DX or even WWE legends showing up for a cheap thrill, everything is centered on nostalgia and being satisfied with doing it terribly bad. The only real positive from this show was the IC title match. There’s nothing wrong with being exciting, WWE. You know what, just forget about this PPV and go watch some old school NWA. That’s what I do when I need to be reminded I love wrestling.

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