Quotes on “Sex Before Marriage”

The following are quotes and thoughts from various resources on the subject of Sex Before Marriage and Living Together. We pray they will minister to your situation.

• God has designed sexual expression to be experienced between a man and woman within the context of a permanent love relationship. (See Genesis 2:24-25.) Christians who believe this should realize that sex will be fulfilling in a lasting way only in the context of marriage. If we pick a wildflower and take it from its natural environment, it wilts quickly. So, too, the satisfaction of sex is short-lived when it is torn from the setting for which God designed it. (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, The Myth of Romance)

• Sex symbolizes covenant fulfillment. If you have sex with someone you’re not married to, you tell a lie with your body. Your body testifies that a spiritual, supernatural and legal joining has taken place, when in fact it hasn’t. Not only that, your behavior also tells a lie about God and the nature of His covenant. You throw mud at the supernatural storyline that your body was created to honor. According to the Bible, the only sex that faithfully tells God’s covenant story is sex that takes place within a marriage covenant. Not “I’m-just having-a-fling” sex. Not co-habiting sex. Not “I’m engaged” sex. Not “I’m-so-in-love-it-doesn’t-matter” sex. According to the Bible, marital sex is the only sex that glorifies God. (Mary Kassian, from the Girlsgonewise.com article, “Necessities for God-Glorifying Sex”)

• Three times in the Song of Solomon, we are warned not to “Arouse or awaken love before its time.” Solomon does it right by waiting in order to give himself fully to his bride. My challenge to you is to avoid any contact that would arouse or lead to arousal before it’s time. It will be worth the wait! (Dr Gary Smalley)

• When we awaken love before it’s time, love awakens as immature and ill-prepared to handle the ups and downs of life. Love can’t sustain itself. Think of an orchid, there is a way to flick the petals where they open pre-maturely, it’s beautiful but it also withers sooner than it would have if it had opened during a natural progression of time. Just as that orchid can’t be closed again, love can’t be put back to sleep once it’s aroused. God is crying out to His daughters in these passages (Song of Songs 2:7; Song of Songs 3:5; Song of Songs 8:4) that we need to wait for correct timing. Everything done in order and timing thrives. Love birthed in correct timing is lasting. (Pastor Susan, from Pastorsusan.net article, Don’t Awaken Love Before It So Desires)

• God designed sex for oneness in marriage. …He designed it as a means of intimate communication between a man and a woman who have committed themselves to each other for life. In any other context, the purpose of sex gets twisted. (Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by William Cutrer, MD and Sandra Glahn)

• We have to understand that in God’s sight, when a man and woman marry and join their bodies together, when a husband and wife make love, it is a living picture of the spiritual reality of marriage —two people melded into one. But this physical joining is only one part of the union. Marriage is the combining of a man and woman at every level —not just sexually but emotionally, spiritually, and in every other way. In God’s plan, sexual union was never meant to be separated from this total union. C. S. Lewis compares having sex outside of marriage to a person who enjoys the sensation of chewing and tasting food, but doesn’t want to swallow the food and digest it. This is a perversion of God’s intent. Food was meant to be chewed and also swallowed. In a similar way, the sex act was meant to be part of the whole-life union of marriage. When we attempt to experience sex apart from this union, we’re disrespecting and dishonoring marriage. (Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem —Lust is)

• Once the [engagement] ring is on the finger [a false type of] rationalization begins: “We’re married in the eyes of God, and we’re committed to each other for life, so why wait?” Many young women [and men] who have abstained until they are engaged believe that being engaged is a license to go ahead. It is not. In spite of your rationalization, until the minister says, “I now pronounce you man and wife,” you are not joined. Marriage requires discipline —including sexual discipline —and if you cannot be disciplined during the engagement, you will have some problems down the road. (Kay Coles James, What I Wish I’d Known before I God Married)

• If unmarried, we are to remain sexually pure. That means more than abstaining from vaginal intercourse. It involves abstaining from fondling genitals, oral sex, and physical pleasuring that leads to orgasm. The biblical word is porneia, which is often translated “fornication,” but involves a wide range of sexual practices. It bears repeating that the question to ask is not “How far can I go?” but “What standard of purity honors God?” Such a standard is not what we will view on TV or at the movies or read in magazines or on blogs. Yet it is clearly what God desires and has determined as best for our well-being. (Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by William Cutrer, MD and Sandra Glahn)

• When we turn to what the Bible has to say about sex outside of marriage, it’s not hard to sum up the message. Don’t do it. From the Ten Commandments in Exodus to the laws of Leviticus 18, to the instructions of Paul in 1 Corinthians 6-7 to the public embarrassment that attached to the Virgin Mary, the Bible is clear that God’s standard is that sex is to be reserved for marriage, and marriage alone. And unlike much that you’ll find on the shelves of your local Christian bookstore, the Bible doesn’t spend much time trying to justify that standard. You won’t find a verse that says “Thou shalt wait, because it’s better in marriage.” There is no chapter in Scripture that touts the protection from physical disease and emotional heartache that comes from monogamy, although both of those things are true.

Instead, the Bible says things like, “You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees. I am the LORD your God” (Leviticus 18:4). Or, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body“(1 Corinthians 6:19-20). The Bible teaches that we should reserve sexual intimacy for marriage for no other reason than that, if we are Christians, we belong to God. Sex outside of marriage is not only a sin against ourselves and our partner, but a fraudulent misrepresentation of God and a cruel distortion of the intimacy he created to be a picture of the eternal intimacy of the Trinity itself. (From the Boundless.org article, “Sex Is Not About Waiting” by Michael Lawrence)

• Matt. 5:28 commands men to not check out women. I used to think that guys were SUPPOSED to check out girls, it was natural for them. But Christ says it’s the same as committing adultery. So what does that have to do with us?If you knew you could save someone in your family from heartache and trouble, would you try as hard as you could to do so? Why wouldn’t you do the same for your spiritual brother? The guy you date, if he’s a Christian, is your brother in Christ. You can protect him by not purposefully dressing in a way that he’ll want to check you out. A daughter of the King doesn’t intentionally want guys to check her out but cares for her brother by dressing in a way that glorifies God.

You also protect your brother when you act in way that does not cause him to stumble sexually. He could be pressuring you to do certain things and you are going along with him, or you could be pressuring him. Either way you’re not protecting him and you’re not protecting his future wife. You don’t know for sure if you both are meant to be together, but you do know he has a future wife. So live in such a way that protects everyone. (Diane Montgomery, from Girlsgonewise.com article, “Sexual Purity Means Using Protection”)

• I know this is very counter-cultural, but remaining pure prior to marriage should be of utmost importance to Christian men and women —young or old. Sadly, it’s not. What is of the utmost importance to far too many is money and careers, having a house and car, achieving, attaining and acquiring things. So they sell out purity and righteousness for financial security and creature comforts. They date for four, five, six, seven years and end up having sex with the other person, defying the plan of God for marriage simply because they “can’t afford” to follow His way and get married. Really? Good luck explaining your reasons to God.

My general rule of thumb on dating is this: If you can’t see yourself marrying in the next 18 months to two years, don’t date. Dating should not last more than a couple of years or you will, most assuredly, end up in sexual compromise. Couples who are virgins when they marry have a fraction of the divorce rate compared to those who were sexually active prior to marriage. (See the following article for studies that show this: Premarital sex and divorce: Is there a link?) (Mark Gungor, from article, “Don’t Date Until You Marry)

• In some of the bad marriages that I have seen, I ask the question, “Did you fall into premarital sex?” Usually, the answer is yes, and I tell them, “Your relationship probably wouldn’t have endured to the altar if you hadn’t had premarital sex. You just kept spraying lighter fluid on this thing.” But the real coals and embers weren’t there. (Pastor Tommy Nelson)

• Live in such a way that’s above reproach so there’s not even a whiff of sexual immorality in your life. If that means a couple is never alone but God’s temple is honored (1 Corinthians 6:19), so be it! If that means always keeping a door open if you’re in each other’s rooms but the Gospel is not maligned because of that, so be it! If that means waiting to kiss or hold hands for months after dating but no one can accuse you of any immorality, but instead they want to know your Lord and Savior, then so be it! What it comes down to is, which do you love more: yourself or Christ? (Diane Montgomery, from Girlsgonewise.com article, “Sexual Purity Means Using Protection”)

• We have to understand that in God’s sight, when a man and woman marry and join their bodies together sexually, something spiritual occurs —they really do become “one.” When a husband and wife make love, it is a living picture of the spiritual reality of marriage —two people melded into one. But this physical joining is only one part of the union. Marriage is the combining of a man and woman at every level —not just sexually but emotionally, spiritually, and in every other way. In God’s plan, sexual union was never meant to be separated from this total union. C. S. Lewis compares having sex outside of marriage to a person who enjoys the sensation of chewing and tasting food, but doesn’t want to swallow the food and digest it. This is a perversion of God’s intent. Food was meant to be chewed and also swallowed. In a similar way, the sex act was meant to be part of the whole-life union of marriage. When we attempt to experience sex apart from this union, we’re disrespecting and dishonoring marriage. (Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem —Lust is)

•Tom Elliff: Couples come to us sometimes and blush, “We want to get married.” “Well, are you sleeping around?” “Yes, that’s why we need to hurry up and get married.” I say, “Then that’s the last thing you need to do right now. The person that God has for you is going to make you more holy not less holy, more in love with Jesus not less in love with Jesus, a more effective worker, a better student, better with his parents and her parents not less. The very fact that you’re frustrated and violating every commandment of God means you ought not to get married. You ought to back up, grow up, deepen your relationship with God before you ever consider being married, because if you bring out the worst in each other when you’re dating, you’re really going to bring out the worst in each other when you marry.” Dennis Rainey: I couldn’t agree more. If there is compromise in courtship, where is the trust going to be there after the covenant is established? That covenant is not some magical binding relational agreement. It’s an accountability before God that you better be experiencing both before and after it’s established.

TOM: Sex before marriage is a revelation of your real value system. It says in spite of all that I say about how much I love you and how much I love God and how much I’m going to serve Him, the bottom line, the thing that motivates me more than anything else is this —I get what I want. Even if you have to be guilty before God, even if I have to defile the temple of God when the Scripture says “Whosoever defiles the temple of God, him shall God destroy.” I am willing for you to do that so I can have a few minutes of pleasure —a terrible revelation of a terrible value system. DENNIS: And one that you don’t want to begin a marriage with that being the basis. You want to begin a marriage with trust. Tom:It just says I can’t be trusted. Dennis: Yes, and you want to trust when that covenant is established. (Tom Elliff and Dennis Rainey, from the Family Life Today radio broadcast: Pre-Marriage Pre-Requisites – 05/22/07)

• For single women, it’s important to understand how God views sex so that it’s not misused. There is right worship and there is wrong worship. Wrong worship brought death to Aaron’s sons when they offered the wrong fire and incense before God. To look at this literally, you can say that sex outside of marriage brings about death to our spirits, as well as to our sense of well-being or esteem. In some cases, it brings death to our bodies through sexually transmitted diseases, abortions, and the fatal attractions that are a result of soul ties from the sexual union. (Michelle McKinney Hammond, The Power of Femininity)

• Some who want to know exactly “how far they can go” in dating ask this question in honest ignorance. But others, in asking this question, betray a desire to go as far as they can without “crossing the line.” Such a desire is legalistic and self-centered. The point is not to determine a legally defined “line,” but to promote the emotional and spiritual well-being of both partners in the relationship. (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, The Myth of Romance)

• When we date seriously, or are engaged, we are trying to build a relationship suited to lifelong commitment to each other. We have to expend a great deal of effort learning to communicate deeply with each other, build healthy spiritual habits, and serve others as a team. Lack of sexual self-control will inhibit development in all of these areas. This is one of the worst consequences of immoral sex: At the very time we most need personal and spiritual development, our loss of self-control blocks our progress. (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, The Myth of Romance)

• Research indicates that once an uncommitted couple gets involved in sexual intercourse, the relationship usually begins to end. They have reached the superficial end of the physical aspects of the relationship, and they have no particularly compelling reason to explore its depths. (Chip Ingram, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships)

•In the midst of premarital sex, the worst of couples feels like it’s a great relationship, and that’s one of the great problems with premarital sex. It’s not just that it is sin, but it creates a deception, and it retards the real development of the deeper things. The reason that a couple falls into premarital sex a lot of times is because of the pure novelty of eroticism. Premarital sex that occurs in spontaneity, in combustion, on an eroticism scale of 1 to 10, that’s about a 12. And you can’t maintain that in marriage. When you get married, it’s not going to be this explosive kind of thing that takes off. Oh, every once in a while things happen, but generally it’s going to be the expression of character, it’s going to come out of this fountain of character.

When you get into premarital sex, you go around the character. What happens, though, when you get into marriage, is that premarital stuff doesn’t happen like it used to. Now sex takes place at the end of the day when the man comes in, the woman is doing her deal, they put those kids down, they shower up, brush teeth, clean up, psych themselves up —”all right, it’s time for sex, here we go.” It’s an act of the will. You say, “You’re kidding.” Trust me. If that fountain is not there, of the fear of God, love, servant-hood, kindness, courtesy, helping each other, taking out the trash —if all of those expressions of piety, theology, and Christ-likeness aren’t there, sex isn’t going to happen. You’re going to go frigid. And that’s why couples that get into premarital sex create a deception, they retard the building of what it takes to really develop a relationship, and they build that thing, they cross that bridge on a bridge of balsa. It’s on Styrofoam. They get into marriage, the fountain of piety isn’t there, and now it just becomes frustration, manipulation, the attempt to kick in the eroticism, and it doesn’t work, and you end up just busting it up. (Pastor Tommy Nelson, from Family Life Today broadcast: Unity)

• But what if we get married and find out we’re completely incompatible? Answer: You will find out you’re incompatible —in a hundred different ways. Every married couple does. But a successful marriage isn’t based so much on compatibility as on a commitment to work through the incompatibilities. You don’t need that level of commitment just to live together, so your relationship is missing a vital element right from the beginning. (From Todayschristianwoman.com article titled, “We’re Moving in Together” – Sept/Oct 2002)

• Seldom, if ever, do the circumstances of living together transform the two people of a marriage into an ever-loving, ever-agreeable, happy pair. A happy marriage involves a much greater challenge than simply finding a partner with whom you “live happily ever after.” It is more than some strange chemistry that draws and holds you together forever. Soon after the wedding day you realize that marriage is a test of your character. (Henry Brandt and Kerry Skinner from the book, Marriage God’s Way)

• You may believe that living together is a good way to find out if you are compatible —a sort of “test drive” that will improve your chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense intuitively, actually the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child. The best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to abstain from sex, date for at least one year before engagement and participate in a structured, premarital counseling program, which includes psychological testing. (Bill Maier, Ph.D.)

• There’s no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most certainly burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship. (Unknown)

• When you’re intimate with someone other than your spouse, you’ll have those memories from “the other person” to come back to haunt you later. (And the enemy of our faith would like nothing better than to have weapons available to use to unsettle your thoughts toward your spouse at a later date.) What if the other person kisses better or does other intimate actions with you that you eventually remember enjoying better than the love-making you’re experiencing with your spouse? It’s better to have nothing in your memory bank with which to compare those intimate times than to have those thoughts trying to crowd into your mind as you’re being intimate with your spouse. (Cindy Wright)

• Unless she’s married she should give him no reason to presume she belongs to him.(Elisabeth Elliot)

• You aren’t to “know” of someone [sexually] outside of marriage.(Elisabeth Elliot)

• But do not let immorality or any impurity or greed even be named among you, as is the proper among saints; and no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.(Ephesians 5:3-4NASB)

• Immoral sex is never safe sex. (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, The Myth of Romance)

• The consequences of pre-marriage sexual experiences carry over into marriage and you’ll have to deal with them. They don’t go away once you’re married. The past partners and experiences will come into your relationship with your husband. There’ll be insecurities on both sides: “Am I good enough? Is she comparing me to them?” The world tells you, “You need to see if you’re compatible sexually. They might be the one, so go ahead.” But God says, “Trust me, I have someone for you and when you marry that person you won’t regret saving yourself. If you don’t, when you finally marry, you’ll have wished with everything in you that you had waited and kept your marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).” A wise person once told me, “You’ll never regret taking it slow in relationships, but you’ll always regret going too fast.” (Diane Montgomery, from Girlsgonewise.com article, “Sexual Purity Means Using Protection”)

• We are to refuse to take, exploit, cheapen, defraud, or substitute sexual activity for genuine love and authentic intimacy. In order to understand this paradigm, we’ve got to remember that sex is not wrong and God is no prude. Sex is not a sin to be avoided but a gift to be cherished. You and I want genuine intimacy. We want to have relationships that matter. We long for someone to feel deeply loved because of us. We also want to be loved and cherished and cared for by someone else. [In Ephesians 5:3-4, the Apostle] Paul says certain things will squelch and destroy love and break relationships. These are crucial warnings. If we are going to love somebody, we will not take, exploit, or cheapen him or her. We will not engage in sexual activity to create pseudo-intimacy that’s false because we don’t really care and we’re not really committed. We won’t substitute sex for authentic intimacy. (Chip Ingram, Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships)

• MARRIAGE MYTH: Couples who live together before marriage, and are thus able to test how well suited they are for each other, have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples that don’t.Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up. One reason is that people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more likely to call it quits when problems arise. In addition, the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent study, for example, suggest, “There may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills.” (Smartmarriages® Subject: Top 10 Myths of Marriage- Popenoe/Piece of Paper schedule – 2/13/02)

• MYTH #1: Living together is a good way to “test the water.” Many couples say that they want to live together to see if they are compatible, not realizing that cohabitation is more a preparation for divorce than a way to strengthen the likelihood of a successful marriage —the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80 percent higher than those who do not. In fact, studies indicate that cohabiting couples have lower marital quality and increased risk of divorce. Further, cohabiting relationships tend to be fragile and relatively short in duration; less than half of cohabiting relationships last five or more years. Typically, they last about 18 months. (Janice Shaw Crouse PhD, from the article, “The Myths and Reality of Living Together Without Marriage” as posted on Crosswalk.com)

• Contrary to what many people believe, “test driving” a relationship by living together before marriage also reduces the odds of success. The exact reasons are unclear. It may be that couples make riskier picks with a live-in partner than they would with a potential spouse. Or couples who defer marriage and opt to live together first may do so because they have trouble with commitment. After they move in together, some couples eventually walk down the aisle as a result of inertia, not love. Undoing the entanglements of a live-in relationship can be a hassle, especially if the couple has children, Scott Stanley (co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver)said. Sliding into marriage becomes “a transition without a decision,” Stanley said. “For a lot of young people, it’s not a real deliberative thing. They’re not really thinking, ‘Are you the one?’ ‘Am I the one?'” (Kyung M. Song from article in the Seattle Times titled, Marriage as Learned Behavior: Can Divorce be Foretold? 7/27/05)

• The Houston Chronicle reported that couples who live together before marriage have an 80 percent greater chance of divorce after they are married than those who don’t cohabit first. A Washington State researcher discovered that women who cohabit with a man are twice as likely to experience domestic violence as are married women. The National Center for Mental Health revealed that the incidence of depression among cohabiting women is four times greater than that among married women, and two times greater than depression among unmarried women.

In a survey of more than 100 couples who lived together, 71 percent of the women said they would not live-in again. In practice, cohabiting couples who marry —many of whom already have children —are about 33 percent more likely to divorce than are couples who don’t live together before their nuptials Virgin brides, on the other hand, are less likely to divorce than are sexually experienced women who entered marriage. Evidence strongly suggests that, while test driving a car might be a good idea, “trying out” one’s future partner is not. (From the book “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by William Cutrer, MD and Sandra Glahn)

• Why does this issue of cohabitation always get so much attention? There are at least three reasons. First, it’s something that is connected to values for people, so debates about cohabitation are not just about cohabitation, they are also about religious beliefs and other values. Those are important issues, but my observations here are focused only on the science. Second, younger people tend to believe that cohabitation lowers their risks in marriage, so reports that it’s not associated with benefits, or even associated with risk, have gotten a lot of attention. People are interested in this. Third, cohabitation is important societally because it’s increasingly the context for childbearing and rearing, and cohabiting relationships are much more fragile than marriages. That makes it an important subject in our national discourse. (Scott Stanley – Research Professor, University of Denver)

• Researcher Scott Stanley’s case is this: Women living unmarried with guys and expecting a lasting, committed marriage down the line had better review their options. His research finds that men who cohabit with the women they eventually marry are less committed to the union than men who never lived with their spouses ahead of time. Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, says the evidence from his research is so strong that cohabiting women “should be very careful about how aligned they are with a particular man if he does not show any strong sense of marriage and a future together.” Men who either drift into marriage “through inertia” following a cohabiting arrangement or who are “dragged down the aisle” by women who finally put their feet down aren’t good marriage risks, he says. (Cohabiting Is Not The Same As Commitment – by Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY July 8, 2002)

• Cohabitation: At least half of all newlyweds have lived together first, researchers say. And David Popenoe, a Rutgers University sociologist, estimates that two-thirds of people who marry have lived with somebody else first. Live-in unions are more fragile than marriages. About 41% of unmarried opposite-sex couples living together have children younger than 18 at home. But sociologists Pamela Smock and Wendy Manning have found that children born to couples who live together have about twice the risk of seeing their parents split than those with married biological parents. (The State of Our Unions – By Rick Hampson and Karen S. Peterson USA TODAY Feb 26, 2004)

• David Popenoe, (a Rutgers sociology professor) says living together is often chosen by a child of divorce and reflects a lower commitment relationship than marriage. “People get in the habit of expecting relationships to be low-commitment ones that they can easily get out of,” Popenoe says. “Then they get into marriage and, if they have that attitude, it’s probably the biggest reason the divorce rate is so high. People lack the commitment to marriage that once existed.” (Cohabiting Is Not the Same as Commitment – by Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY July 8, 2002)

• “In focus groups, WOMEN perceive cohabitation as a step before marriage to that partner, whereas MEN are tending to see cohabitation as something to do before you make a commitment,” says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, a social historian. …Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and author of The Power of Commitment, has found similar results. “Men who live with women they eventually marry aren’t as committed to the union as those who didn’t live with their mates before tying the knot”, he says. (From article: Cohabitation is Replacing Dating, in USA TODAY, 7/18/05)

• Cohabiting not only leads to higher divorce rates, says research, but it’s highly unstable: half of all co-habitees’ relationships last less than a year and 90% end within five years, mostly because couples break up, according to a new study by New York’s Cornell University, published in the journal Demography in May. We know cohabiting couples are less assured than married couples, and tend to be more violent with reduced concern for fidelity. Cohabiting men and women also share a greater likelihood of depression than their married counterparts. (From article: Perils of “Living in Sin” – Shacking up isn’t always a guarantee of marriage Edmonton Sun (Canada) 8/05/06 By Jennifer Parks)

• Myth: Cohabiting relationships are more egalitarian than marriage. It is common knowledge that women and children suffer more poverty after a cohabiting relationship breaks up, but it’s not so well understood that there is typically an economic imbalance in favor of the man within such relationships, too. While couples who live together say that they plan to share expenses equally, more often than not the women support the men. Studies show that women typically contribute more than 70 percent of the income in a cohabiting relationship. Likewise, the women tend to do more of the cleaning, cooking and laundry. If they are students, as is often the case, and facing economic or time constraints that require a reduction in class load, it is almost invariably the woman, not the man, who drops a class. (Janice Shaw Crouse PhD, from the article, “The Myths and Reality of Living Together Without Marriage” as posted on Crosswalk.com)

• Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without “the piece of paper.” Cohabitation typically doesn’t bring the benefits (in physical health, wealth, and emotional well being) that marriage does. In terms of these benefits cohabitants in the United States more closely resemble singles than married couples. This is due, in part, to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples, and they’re more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the well being of their partner. (From: Smartmarriages® Subject: TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE- Popenoe/Piece of Paper schedule – 2/13/02)

• Living together without the benefit of marriage can be harmful for the children since the relationship is not a committed one and therefore lacks stability and is more prone to break-up. For the children of such unions when the couple breaks up there may as well be a divorce. The lack of official papers does nothing to make a split easier on the kids. (Rabbi Shea Hecht, Pondering the Divorce Rate, Gopusa.com, 5/17/07)

• 80% of children in co-habiting families are under the age of 6, in part because these families are two to three times more likely to break up in a child’s early years than married families. But the preliminary evidence strongly suggests that, even when cohabiting families stick together, children don’t fare as well on average as when they are blessed with a mother and father who got and stay married. That makes sense, if you think about it. What is a man saying when he marries? That he and his child and the child’s mother are one family unit, and they will be his most important priority; that he will be faithful to his wife, and that he will share his time, love, energy and money. People don’t always live up to their ideals, but it helps to begin with the right idea.

By contrast, when a man refuses to marry, what is he saying? Something like this: “I reserve the right to find someone better in the future, which includes the right to break up this family, the right to make love and children with another woman in the future. And by the way, my money is my own. What I choose to share with you, I hope you’ll be grateful for.” Naturally, no decent guy would say things like that out loud to the woman who is having his baby. But actions speak far louder than words, and so does inaction. (From the article: Dave Letterman: Be a Man, Get a Wife -By Maggie Gallagher, January, 2004- sent by Smart Marriages Monday, 2/02/04)

• Three quarters of all family breakdowns affecting young children now involve unmarried parents, new research suggests. The findings indicate that family breakdown is no longer driven by divorce, but by the collapse of unmarried partnerships. …The findings show that it is no longer plausible to argue that all relationship types were equal, researchers said. “The evidence is irrefutable. Unmarried parents are five times more likely to break up than married parents. Divorce is not the major problem any more.” Penny Mansfield, director of One Plus One, said that Britain appeared to have reached a watershed in the way families were forming. Whereas couples in previous generations did their courting, got married and had children in that order, nowadays growing numbers were having children first and only then deciding whether to remain in a couple relationship.

“The problem with this approach is that having children generally destabilizes a relationship. If you are trying to figure out whether to form a partnership in the early years after having a child, it’s a bit like pedaling uphill,” she said. “What we have lost is the idea thatat the heart of marriage there is a link between parents which is of value of itself. That link would then cradle the upbringing of children. Maybe we need to rediscover this link in this new world of equality,” Ms Mansfield said. (From article: Unmarried Families are More Likely to Fall Apart, The London Times, as reviewed in Marriage for Life Newsletter, 10/10/2006.)

• Cohabitation also deteriorates parental authority. For single parents who are interested in the spiritual training of their children, cohabitation makes the strength of their message weaker. “How can mom tell me not to do something when she moved us into his house before they were married?” I’ve heard many an adolescent ask. “Good point,” I respond. I’ll never forget hearing one child say, “We go to church, but I’m not sure why. In the end, my dad lives by convenience. That’s why he lives with Marsha.” Parents who want children who live by God’s moral standards must themselves live by those same standards, no matter how “impractical” it may be. (Ron L. Deal, from Growthtrac.com article “The Elephant in the Bedroom”)

• We are to give our body to our spouse only within the context of a permanent marriage commitment. (See Genesis 2:24.) Anything less than this dishonors the high purpose that God intends for our sexuality. Premarital sex is, therefore, self-centered —it seeks immediate physical pleasure at the expense of God’s design for us and for our partner. It should be fairly obvious as well that those who practice premarital sex on an ongoing basis are also deliberately reserving the right to exit the relationship easily, should they decide to. In other words, when someone calls on you for premarital sex, he is really saying, “I want to use your body to satisfy my sexual appetite, but I want to remain free to reject you afterward.” (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, from the book, The Myth of Romance)

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Comments

Amen. I agree heartily. It is time marriage is given the proper place. If enough Christians will rise up and treat marriage for what God created it to be, marriage will again shine as a holy institution designed for the joy, pleasure and glory of God.

(NIGERIA) The Bible says that marriage is honorable and the bed undefiled: In essence I agree totally with all the writer on the issue of keeping oneself virtous, righteous and holy until after marriage. This makes your spouse trust, appreciate and love you more. It also makes you more closer and loved by God, thereby making one a good ambassador of Christ on earth.

(SOUTH AFRICA) I think for me it’s amazing to learn that God’s boundaries are there to protect us more anything. Learning self restraint/control will only benefit us when we are married. I am a single sister and I have to say striving for purity is certainly a challenge but one with so many beautiful rewards. I am grateful that on this one, God has shown me that boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places and my inheritance in following the scriptures is certainly is delightful. Amen and Praise be to God. He is wise and Almighty.

(PHILIPPINES) This is a good source of godly and factual discussion on sex education. I pray everyone has access to this site, both for the married and the singles. The Biblical principles coined with medical expertise are considerably a wonderful lesson for me and my fiancé.

(NIGERIA) I thank God for the messages and quite agree with all the writers but I just want to add something by asking what happens if the person has gone into the sin of fornication but wants to return back to her first love,what happens? If the person has stopped every form of premarital sex, will God still forgive and give the person grace to enter marriage as a new creature?

(SOUTH AFRICA) Oh Chinelo… our God is loving, faithful and forgiving. What he requires from us is a repentent spirit and heart. He will give you his grace to walk a new walk in him, a walk of righteousness and holineess.

(USA) Hi Chinelo, I’m so proud of you for the steps you are taking to be in full fellowship with Christ again. I know that in years ahead, you will be SO glad you did. You ask if God will “forgive and give the person grace” after they have “stopped every form of premarital sex.” My question to you is, have you recognized what you did as being wrong and have you confessed it as such to God in sorrow?

If you have, then you can count on God’s forgiveness and grace because the Bible says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and will purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives” (1 John 1:9-10).

It also says, “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:11-12).

So in answer to your question, yes, if you confess and turn from the wrong you were doing, God forgives and removes that blot from your heart. He doesn’t remove the past memory of it or whatever consequences that may occur because of what you did in the past (the sin of King David is an example — while he repented, he still suffered from the consequences of his past sin), but you are forgiven and given the grace of being in full fellowship with God once again.

It’s always good to start doing what God asks of us. Even if you sinned 1000 in the past, the fact that you didn’t go on to sin 1001 times, pleases His heart and prevents additional consequences and pain. I pray you will receive His grace and will bathe in His love and approval. Your life and your eventual marriage will be all the richer for it!

(EGYPT) Hi, I’m engaged and my fiancee and I have sex whenever there is an opportunity, (since we live in a country that abandons premarital sex)… I believe that it is wrong but we got so used to it that no matter how much we try (especially me) we can’t stop. It’s like some kind of bondage.

We’re both Christians but he believes that we are one already. I disagree with him and tell him that I’m so afraid that we will pay the price later but he doesn’t see it that way. We stop the intimacy whenever I make control over it, but there are times when I’m very weak. It’s hard to completely stop it especially when you have already tried it and enjoyed it before. We will get married in 10 months time which is a very long period to abandon sex. I’m in such a conflict because I can’t always control the desire and at the same time I’m terrified of reaping the results… Can someone pray for me and give me advice? Thanks. RR

(USA) Hi RR, There is hardly Christian who has ever loved someone enough to want to marry them, that wouldn’t understand the temptation you are experiencing. It’s really, really difficult, and my heart goes out to you. There are all kinds of thoughts that go on in your head that speak in favor of giving into this kind of temptation.

But I highly encourage you to read and perhaps re-read the articles, quotes, and testimonies we have posted in this section of the web site and the articles we provided links for you to read. I pray God will speak to your heart to see the importance of NOT continuing to open the gift of sexual intimacy before you make the covenant marriage vow to each other as husband and wife. God has many reasons why He has set up these standards, and whether we understand or like them or not (or even if we find them difficult to follow) there are very real consequences for not following them.

Your fiance may not understand God’s reasoning in this, and you may not as well, but God never asked us to understand, He told us to obey.

It is clear throughout the Bible that man’s opinions and understandings are not to sway us. Jesus is to be our Lord — not the ways of others. Let’s face it; in Noah’s day, everyone else had contrary opinions as to how they should live their lives; but everyone but Noah and his family was wrong. Noah and his family were saved as a result of their obedience.

Imagine the pressure and doubts they experienced as they were ridiculed by everyone around them for such a prolonged period of time while following God’s demands– especially since they had so little understanding of why they were doing what they were doing (in building an ark and gathering animals). They had never experienced anything like the type of rain promised. The temptation to give up must have been tremendous. If you read Hebrews 11 you will see many who faced temptations to quit, and yet they never did give up.

I encourage you to read Hebrews 12 as well, because you may find it strengthening and helpful in the battle to persevere against giving into temptation.

The Bible tells us that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

It is tremendously difficult to stop having sexual relations with each other — especially since you love each other and since you’ve already gone down that road before. But I implore you and pray you will do whatever you can to either get married sooner so you don’t have to battle temptation for as long, or you will find ways to stay out of places where you have the ability to give in again before your wedding day.

The truth is, if you’re never alone in a room together until your wedding day, you won’t be able to do what you shouldn’t be doing. Don’t put your head in a lion’s mouth and then act surprised if he bites down. Keep your head out of the lion’s mouth (remember the Bible calls the devil a “roaring lion” wanting to devour us) and keep yourselves out of places where you could give into temptation and you won’t get into trouble.

God can use this time to help you to mature in your faith and your character. Trust me, marriage is for grown-ups that are mature — not for those who are weak-willed and lacking in strength of character! Look at the divorce rate if you don’t believe me. This will be only a beginning in all the ways your maturity will be challenged after you marry. "Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4).

We will be praying that you will join together in being strong and do what it takes to keep yourself pure until your wedding day. May God strengthen and help you and bless your efforts in following His ways!

(EGYPT) Thanks a lot Cindy, I am praying and trying… Your comment was very helpful. Yes, you’re right we shouldn’t be heading towards a place where this sin is committed. As to marrying earlier, it is almost impossible because of financial problems, it’s on my prayer list though. If God wills. Pray for me whenever possible God bless you, RR

(KENYA) Hello to you, You may need to come together and ask God to forgive your past. Which he will. Then constantly agree to keep away from this sin until you marry. After your marriage you will realize it is worth waiting for. It gives you more joy and satisfaction when you wait until marriage.

(AFRICA) This is a wonderful site. I believe God has a purpose for each and everyone opening this site. I do have a question to ask. If you realise that you have sinned by engaging in premarital sex and both of you are willing to obey the word as a means of expressing your joys, pain and affection for one another — can you kiss, hug and hold each other etc, or is that all is a part of fornication? Or maybe the question is, how far should people go and it’s not fortification?

(USA) Hi October. It’s difficult to answer your question because the line needs to be drawn differently depending upon what God says to your heart and what you can do without falling into the temptation and doing more than you should. If you can kiss, hug and hold each other without it leading to other things reserved for marriage, and God assures your heart that this is acceptable, then that would be fine.

Some people can’t have even one drink, because they don’t have the self-control to hold themselves back from going for more and falling into drunkenness. Others can have one or two and do just fine. You have to know what works for you and your partner, because you don’t want to add pressure upon him. The better question might be, “How much can we hold back to reserve for our marriage? How much are we willing to sacrifice in this area to honor God and each other?” It’s not about legalism, but rather saving as much of a blessing that you will enjoy together for later, after you are married.

(PHILIPPINES) Hi, I am married for almost 13 years; my husband is working abroad for over six years now. The Internet is our means of communication and often times we engage in cybersex. We are both Christians and I feel guilty whenever we are doing it, but my husband always tells me that it’s okay. Is it really okay?

(USA) Hi Armie, I can’t see any reason why it would be wrong for you and your husband to engage in this together as long as you don’t bring anyone else into it with you or any images of anyone else. The intimacy that goes on between a husband and wife is entirely fine… whether you are personally together or you are together by another means of communication. Exclusively enjoy your husband in whatever way you can.

(NIGERIA) Hi Cindy, I am a Christian from Nigeria and married. My question is, as a Christian can a [married couple engage in oral sex with each other] and also, is it biblical to go for family planning?

(USA) Hi Victor, This is a bit different to answer questions concerning married sex in the section that discusses “Sex Before Marriage”, but that’s ok. This is a controversial subject, with Christians believing various things, but you asked for our opinion so I will give it. Quite simply, my husband Steve and I believe that married couples ARE permitted to engage in pleasuring each other in oral ways if both spouses mutually consent (See 1 Corinthians 7:3-5). There are a few articles posted in the “Sexual Issues” section that addresses how we believe God views what is permitted in the marital sexual relationship.

As far as family planning, that again is very controversial. If it includes abortion as a method — killing an unborn baby, then it definitely wouldn’t be God’s will for you to go that direction.

I think the best way I can answer this question is to copy below something I wrote someone who asked about family planning, or birth control. Here is what I wrote:

As for your question about using birth control, I have to say that I see nothing in the Bible that presents it as a wrong choice (and I’ve looked because we’ve had other inquiries about this). Birth control, as long as it does not take the life of the baby (like having an abortion), is something that can be wise and isn’t against God’s will for us to use.

I believe God created sex for several reasons, two of them being to experience pleasure and intimate connectivity WITHIN MARRIAGE — to “cleave” together as one — to help us feel closer to each other emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically. It’s actually a sacred act within marriage. (We have several articles on our web site in the “Sexual Issues” section on this subject.)

In the book, “A Celebration of Sex” which is a Christian book by Dr Douglas E Rosenau, (which we recommend) there are several pages dedicated to birth control. He says, “The Genesis passage of being fruitful and multiplying is in the context of God’s giving humankind control of the natural world. We are to be wise stewards of the children God places in our care. To choose to have one or two or five has to be a thoughtful and prayerful decision. You as a couple will have to sort through which method of birth control best fits you as you consider personal sensitivities and values. … It is good for all of us to remember that God values family and procreation with the planting of seed and the possibility of contraception. Thinking through birth control requires us to sort through our theology of procreation and life, and the deeper meaning of lovemaking in God’s overall sexual economy.”

I believe God gave us a brain to think with and use (with His guidance). After praying about it, if we don’t believe it would be good to have a baby during a certain time period (or even to ever have a baby), then using some type of method to prevent pregnancy, would appear to be wise. Every baby that comes into this world is to be seen as a blessing from God — that we care for and raise as the Lord would have us. If we aren’t ready to have a child for one reason or another or we think we might not be good parents then it would seem to me to be wise to use birth control.

If, on the other hand, you become pregnant because the birth control method didn’t work, then you need to view it as God’s way of telling you that He will help you to love and care for this baby. You did your part to prevent pregnancy but if God over-rides your preventative actions, then this would be God’s will for you to lovingly raise the child the Lord has decided to give you.

All of this is something you must pray about as a couple and come to the conclusion that you believe God gives you. I believe He leads couples in different ways on this matter. So seek His wisdom, His heart, and His will for you in your marriage and go the way God leads you.

(US) I found these articles and comments very helpful. I believe the Lord has sent the right man to me but I have concerns. We have not had sex and have only maintained a strong email correspondence for several years now. This has created such a deep level of friendship and intimacy without the distraction of sexual activity simply through being pen pals for so long.

Now it has changed and there is real desire for one another developing but we are so different in our backgrounds. I am still a virgin in my thirties, and he definitely not a virgin in his early forties. I am very prayerful, but concerned that as our relationship progresses as I believe the Lord is revealing to me, we will experience difficulties in maintaining a standard of purity between us until we marry. It is really scaring me because I want to honor the Lord in all I do, but I am older, I’ve waited a long time, and due to my real depth of feeling for this man, I know I will be tested.

Also this man comes from a godless upbringing and I am concerned this will become a real issue even though he is now a believer in Jesus Christ. Are we still unequally yoked? I want to navigate this in holiness, but I am not a stone. Neither one of us are. I remain prayerful. I want to marry this man. I want to walk in purity. I want to please Jesus, but I also don’t want to lose this relationship.

(USA) Hi Hanne, I was with you in what you were expressing until you wrote, “I want Jesus, but I also don’t want to lose this relationship.” That brings concern to my spirit. If you truly want Jesus, then you are willing to lay all — everything, everyone, it ALL on the cross of Christ as a living sacrifice. It’s not that God will give you a stone instead of bread… He won’t. But He may know something you don’t know and if you don’t hand it all over to Him, you may go in a harmful direction. Trust Him and don’t hold onto that which you shouldn’t.

If you are equally yoked with this man, then he will be equally devoted to keeping purity between you in your sexual relationship. It doesn’t matter as much about his background and his past (if it doesn’t harm the way he conducts himself now in how he processes through his thinking and living), as much as it is about his present and REAL relationship with Christ. He will protect you and cares about his own spiritual relationship as well, to the point where he will make it HIS mission to keep both of you from opening this sexual gift before it is supposed to be opened — in the marriage bed.

The fact that you are wondering if you are equally yoked makes me think that perhaps God is prompting you to do more considering about this relationship. It’s not too difficult to be pure in letters. But it is another thing to carry it out in real life. Get past the fuzzy romantic feelings you have and look into the harder issues. Talk together honestly about things you should be talking about. It’s great that you have an attraction to each other, but you have to go beyond that.

We have a lot of questions in the “Marriage Preparation Materials” section that you can ask each other and many recommended resources that can help you even further. Please, please, please, do your due diligence and make SURE you are well suited for marriage to each other. If he resists the process, I’d be concerned.

Some people make great dates and even fiances, but lousy spouses when they are committed together for life. Make sure you are well-suited to work through the tough issues now and after marriage. You WILL encounter them. I pray you will so what you should to make sure you can live out your lives together in a marriage blessed by God and committed to His ways!

(US) Cindy thank you for your response. I actually already ended the relationship because the Lord told me to release him into his hands. Most difficult thing I ever had to do, but I chose the Lord, and still battle deep sadness ever since.

I miss the companionship and the talks but there were problems. I believe the Lord told me in his timing he would reconcile us. The problem now is that because of the previous problems, I don’t want this man anymore. I don’t want the drama, or trauma. So what do you do, when you’ve contended for a promise, and after you’ve experienced the trauma, shaking, sifting, and taken your hands off of it, the Lord brings it back around and you don’t want it????

I have been wrestling with this now and I don’t believe I can receive this man back. I am angry and hurt and I really am rethinking marriage especially after visiting this site. No offense but there are pretty depressing, horrific stories here. I am a very cautious, and thoughtful person to begin with, I don’t enter relationships lightly and always with prayer and fastings. But now, I am rethinking the whole thing and I realize my heart is toooooo tender for relationships. I enjoy singleness and being alone. The benefits of companionsip although wonderful, to me at this point do NOT out weight the pain and trauma to be had.

I miss him, but I do not think I could endure with him. I already gave too many years of my life to that. If the Lord has dealt with him this is great. I am happy that the Lord has got his desire in him, but I am still too hurt by not only what this man did, but also that the Lord had me continue giving in that way. I am not ready to enter back into that sort of thing. Although I know this is the Christian walk. A walk of death to self. I understand this. I am just not so eager to enter back into it. Does this make sense? Or am I stupid to feel this way? Being stripped is not fun. Obviously people on here understand because they are going through the same prunings and death walks.

But, If it is the Lord’s desire, I want to please him. I am just too afraid now. I am scared for this guy to come back into my life based on the previous issues we had. On the other hand, I am afraid that if things are resolved, I won’t be able to walk a walk of purity with him. So, that is the see-saw… I guess only time will tell.

But definitely, I am not walking around with pink glasses on. If anything my glasses are black. It’s hard for me to expect any good thing regarding relationships now and this bothers me. My hope is gone. And without vision a people perish. And I feel that I am perising. I see no good examples of godly marriages around me and really now have trouble to trust the Lord would even help me should I get married. I am only being honest here. No intending to be depressing. So I am not all that inclined to it. Now I am more afraid of it than ever.

I was raised that marriage is for life. I looked forward to the day I would one day get married. But now, not so much. My parents have been married for thirty six years and are miserable. Before, I guess I did have some romantical ideals but at the age of thirty three and still single you lose A LOT of that. Simply because you are older.

But after this bittersweet experience, I really am backing away from it all. And my faith is really, really small. Even when I speak to older Christian women they all tell me the same thing, “It’s better for you to be alone. If I had to do over again, I would never marry. ” This is really discouraging don’t you think? This is from Christian women, not the unsaved. Everyone is miserable. This makes me totally back away, though in my heart, I want to get married if it is the Lord’s will, but I am warring with that will. I don’t want to fight the Lord but I am in real self protect mode and I don’t know how to get out of it. Totally stinks.

So, that is that. I continue to press into the Lord. That is something I know I can do. Maybe that is all that truly matters. Hanne

(USA) Hi Hanne, I don’t know if I should say “Congratulations” on your decision not to marry this man because it was a noble decision if you weren’t supposed to marry, or if I should say “I’m sorry” because of the pain and sense of loss you may be experiencing. I’m not really sure.

But one way or the other, I can say that I’m sorry for the confusion you are experiencing and the bad feelings you are having concerning marriage itself. I’m certain that God feels troubled too. It must break His heart that so few live out His will within their marriages so others can rejoice and be drawn to Him as a result, instead of being fearful and repelled.

Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful and strong partnership that honors God as a “cord of three strands”– just as living life as a single person is to be a beautiful and strong partnership in accord with Him — when we allow God to have full Lordship over our lives through our relationship with Jesus Christ.

What is heart-breaking, is that most Christian who are married aren’t really getting it. They don’t understand how much they are damaging the picture that they are supposed to live out within their marriages to draw others to Christ — because marriage is a representation of Christ’s love for the church. One partner may “get it” or the other, or both usually don’t get it. And how this must grieve the heart of God!

And yet thankfully a minority DO understand this intimate and sacred partnership with each other and with God. I’m so sad for you that you aren’t seeing this around you. But please trust me that it IS happening in many Christian marriages and it IS possible! We see it often.

I can’t tell you Hanne, if you are called to ever marry or if you are called to remain as a single partner to Christ. That is something you need to hand over to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. But I implore, that you please don’t make your decision based on fear. Perfect Love — God’s love, manifested in you, casts out fear.

If you don’t see good marriages around you, and yet God brings a godly partner, sold out for Him and for you into your life, and you are to marry — then you are to BE and WORK to be a godly example of what a good marriage partnership is to look like as a witness for those around you. If He calls you to being single for all of your life, you are to BE and to WORK as a godly example of what a single person can do in partnership with Jesus Christ. Either way, you are in God’s will and your decision is not based upon fear or lack of reaching for God’s will to be lived out in your life.

Reach for God’s maturity in this. It will be a difficult journey because of all of the poor examples you are seeing around you. But with God, you can do ALL things.

I pray you will realize and live out the words God inspired in Philippians 3:12-14, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. No, I am still not all I should be, but I am bringing all my energies to bear on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God is calling us up to heaven, because of what Christ Jesus did for us.”

(AUSTRALIA) Hi, I was wanting some advice if possible. When I was incredibly new Christian (less than a year old) I began a sexual relationship with a non believer and subsequently became pregnant. I felt God had begun to teach me the reasons his commandments were in place. I learned the massive repercussions a sexual relationship can have out of wedlock. My child is now three, and for the past four and a half years I have maintained the relationship with his father. We are not living together but still have sex. I have felt in the past that since we had a child God considered that he was now my ‘husband’ of sorts, and reading the Bible I had obeyed in this context. (Paul saying you should not leave a marriage with a non believer, and that staying together makes your children holy etc).

Of late however, I have not been so sure. He is wanting me to a buy a house with him, live with him etc. Strangely this has made me more unsure of what we currently have together. For the first time even though I have been constantly testing what God’s will is for my life these last four years since my pregnancy, I am no longer sure of anything. I have stopped having sex with him and have told him I need time. He is a gentle person and has been very understanding, but is also very much shaped by society and believes you should marry at 30, and live with the person first etc.

I am just so sad that my child will not have him around if we are not together. And as I have grown very attached to him due to my thought process concluding he was a husband I have also become very attached. I am not sure if I could consider anyone else in the future if we were to break up, as I feel we were joined in a sense. What a mess we humans make of things. I wish I wasn’t so weak.

A last question as well. I have felt the Holy Spirit a great deal during these last few years and don’t believe you can feel that if you are in constant sin. What has changed? Is it becoming less ignorant to the sin that derives a greater responsibility to rid yourself of it?

(AUSTRALIA) I am thinking I will tell him I want to continue not having sex until I’m married, and then give him the option to leave or stay in our situation. In this way God can work, and either decision he makes I can trust in God to be the right one for me and my son. Also this gives him an opportunity to live with his son as a family, the way God created it to be. But it doesn’t take away his freewill. Any comments or further advice?

I feel it is likely the outcome will be us not being together. I am trying hard to come to terms with that. We are all so blessed we know Jesus. This life would seem so pointless without him in it. I hope whatever events occur, they do not upset my son.

Also I am aware that we are unevenly yoked, which you are not supposed to marry into. I do believe that having our child over-rides my choice in partner for marriage due to the special unity parents have with their children, and that God believes it is fair to let him be a part of his ‘family’ if he willing. Sacrificing my choice in partner is another consequence of pre-marital sex, I believe. (I believe this is the case unless he was an ‘abusive partner’… in which he’s not at all)

Just a small warning as well to anyone engaging in pre-marital sex (especially to those of you are not sure you would commit to the other person), the consequence of pregnancy is not simply a baby. (I found caring for my child as a single parent the easy part.) It is also a lifelong agreement to be in contact with that person you were having relations with and every member of their family for your life span, and if you have Jesus’ grace with you to try and love them, which it is possible they will be trying to do the opposite.

Jesus looks after you in any situation in which you are worshipping him with a pure heart, but he does not save you from what your actions reap if you ignore him on occasion. I have everyday reminders of my conscious choice to place unbelievers in my heart and in my life, and it can at times feel more tiring than a week’s work. Just putting it out there :)

(ZIMBABWE) This is a good article, though I’m not yet married. I’ve learnt that purity is all that is required of me, to keep myself pure for my husband. It’s good to present yourself pure and without blemish to your hubby. It builds and keeps him trusting you. Keep the marriage bed pure girls; it works; try it.

(NIGERIA) RR, how are you doing? I guess you are married now. How is marriage? Thank God for your honest comment last year. I am also glad at Cindy’s response. May God continue to shower his blessings upon us in Jesus’ name, amen.

(PHILIPPINES) The Philippines have adapted the culture of the Westerns. The number of teen pregnancy is growing. I really love this page because it gave me more reasons to wait until marriage to have sex. I can also use these passages to share the word of God and what is the importance of purity in every relationship. God bless.

(USA) My boyfriend and I have been in an intimate relationship and now we both are serving the Lord and attending church. Now we want to do the right thing in Gods ways. We know that the right thing to do is to not have sex. We do love one another and want God to bless us. I feel marriage is the answer in order to continue to be blessed. I don’t think he is willing to commit at this time. So I am putting this relationship in Gods hands. I am asking for advice and prayer.