Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I KNOW I made clear that I am not a lavatorial humorist. But this is not funny. Yet definitely newsworthy.

Spring has sprung here in the mountains and yesterday I was enjoying the sun on my shoulders, having a rare moment of peace outside on my front steps with a muffin and a cup of tea. Admiring my surroundings. Until...what do I glimpse? A strange shape nested within the leaves of this shrub-thing in front of my house...C'est quoi?

Well, here in dog-loving central, there is only one answer to that question. Spring springs forth, snow melts, and a veritable carpet of doggy-do reveals itself, aroma mingling with the gentle alpine breezes -- a subtle, disconcerting tang to the air while all about you, dreaded dark deposits materialize on every bloody square inch of grass.

And even up trees. And again, I am not the sort of person who usually photographs this stuff but you have to see this. The turd is ELEVATED:if you can't see properly and have the stomach for it, click on the pic. Behold, suspended turd of spring!

How did it get up there? Did a dog kick it there? Did snow melt leaving the bizness lodged in my shrubby branches?

Not the kind of thing you enjoy contemplating when eating a bran muffin; in fact, a revolting moment when it should have been just plain nice. I am so sick of dog-loving, dog-permissive peeps.

From now on, dogophiles of Crabtown, watch out. I'm watching you even more closely than before. Stay away from my shrubs. I know I am a crappy gardener but let's not be literal. Wankers.

10 comments:

Crabmommy...I just want to thank your for your hilarious and honest thoughts on motherhood. I found your blog two days ago when my whiny little boy was about to push me to the bring. I googled whining toddler and low and behold I found your blog. Soon my tears of frustration were turning into tears of laughter. Thanks for helping me find some sanity...at least for another day. I will now become your faithful follower!!

Darling Darlingdebbie,Thank YOU for becoming a part of Crabscene over here. We welcome you into our little club, which has just a few regular memebers but all of whom are MOST EXCELLENT and FUNNY people (sucking up here, trying to keep 'em reading), and we enjoy a laugh between all the dreck of being Mom or Dad. Your posting made my day -- and you know, not a good day, turd in my tree and all.

Being a dad of dogs, I know for a fact that Doggie Poo in thin air can take on very strange properties, not typically observed at lower altitudes. Consider yourself lucky to have been among the select few who have had the opportunity to observe the very rare phenomena of "levitiating poo". It's one of the reasons that babies growing up in mountain communities are not allowed to run about without diapers. Imagine the scenery if that weren't the rule? Maybe similiar legislation should be considered for all of the four-legged children running about...

Crabmommy, have you ever considered the possibility that what you have there is not, in fact, a specimen of poopus canis, but rather poopus ursus: BEAR poop! Everyone knows that bears poop in the woods, so why wouldn't a bear poop in a tree? I suggest hanging a steak—perhaps a nice little 8 oz filet mignon—in that tree one night and seeing what happens. If you are awakening by snorting, grunting, crashing about and slobbering sounds you might have a bear situation. (That is assuming that you are not already awakened by snorting, grunting, crashing & slobbering noises of a more domestic origin.)

Inky Ink, you are SO RIGHT! It must be bear-scat. They always warn us here in Crabland not to leave trash out early or the BEARS WILL COME.Evidently they have become confused by global warming and are pooping up trees in the middle of winter, instead of sleeping in them. Poor things.

Front (or back) yard wildlife can be amazingly varied here in the mountain West. In the past 24 hours I have found the following assortment of creatures in my front yard: a skunk (regular visitor to snarf up fallen birdseed); a semi-feral cat (Bongo, best friend to my dearly departed cat, Harry); an adolescent raccoon (this one climbs into the tree where the bird feeders hang and tries to thrown them to the ground); a cocker spaniel (Jemmy, the neighbor's dog, whom I invited inside to visit for a while); a ground squirrel; an assortment of wild birds (including the great northern flicker, house finches, purple finches, and an apparently tame ringed turtle dove which may in fact have been an escaped pet). The only one of these that I consider problematic is the raccoon. Last night I ran out into the yard while he was swinging from the bird feeder branch and hissed and shook my fists at him. He retreated to the highest reaches of the tree while I tossed pebbles and ranted. My intent was to dissuade further incursions but I'm doubtful about my chances of success. Mountain lions, deer, coyotes have all been spotted in the area—can bears be far away?

Crabmommy Manifesto

On this website I will never:*speak of the enchanting constant joy and transformative wonderment of motherhood*dispense little nuggets about what my child has taught me*tell any mom to stop and smell the diapers "because it all goes by in the blink of an eye"*make jokes about bowel movements and baby body fluids (because it's not my thing and it can be found abundantly elsewhere)*use the word "miracle"*count my blessings*chart my child's developmental milestones*seem to be in a good or grateful mood*be mean about my friends or family because they'll get me back

On this website I will:*laugh at myself*laugh at others*laugh at rural momming*laugh at urban momming*mock the Stokke highchair*covet the Stokke highchair

Disclaimer:Let me say once for the record: like any mother I adore my own tot, think she is more brilliant, beautiful and gifted than yours, but this goes without saying. So I'm not going to say it (again). Rather, I vow to use my precious bloody-little time to talk about the more wretched and tricky aspects of momhood, pausing often to drown myself in a vat of self-pity and whining. Welcome!

About Me

Originally South African, then was an urban mommy (NYC), then hubby and I decided NYC sucks unless one is awash in cash...so we decamped to the smalltown cowboy west, to a town of many hyperfit, cheery "Look On the Bright Side" moms. Too much cheeriness forced us north and west and urban and rainy. I am happier in gloom. Crabmommy is mom to one child and one only, and by God it's going to stay that way. Recent musings in a variety of fancy literary magazines that nobody reads SO THEN I GOT A REAL WRITING JOB with Cookie magazine online, where I have a bloglet about momming. (Like I don't plug that one enough. Sheesh.)
email: crabmommy [then u make the at sign] gmail [dot] com