The less I know about The Jersey Shore, the happier I remain

Let’s pretend I didn’t just Photoshop the Jersey Shore cast into the Renaissance’s greatest works of art to draw attention to their ill-advised trip to Italy. Let’s pretend I didn’t have to learn their stupid nicknames. Let’s pretend I’m not buying your silence with some bonus material: a free picture of J-Woww as the Venus de Milo, which didn’t make the cut, not being a Renaissance work or stored in Italy.

And since I know there’s no way my original text will make it to MTV’s page, it’s below the cut.

By now you’ve no doubt heard that The Jersey Shore is going to Italy, and you’ve no doubt heard that Italy doesn’t really want them there.The fear over there is that, uh…well, look, you’ve seen the show. Would you want that landing on your shores? No, clearly not. That’s why we’ve gussed up the cast to be more palatable to our friends the Italians, who would like to remind you that they are responsible for western civilization, having stolen it from the Greeks, who copied it from the Phoenicians, who bought it from Atlantis.

Once we contextualize The Jersey Shore in art that Italy can understand, everything will resolve itself. Or we’ll offend the aesthetic sensibilities of millions. But look, their president is currently on trial for hiring prostitutes (including a minor), so how high a horse do they intend to mount in order to look down their aquiline noses at our misbehavior?*

*And by “our” we mean “your.” We don’t want anything to do with these walking caricatures, either.

Michelangelo’s David was kind of a chill dude, once his giant-slaying was done. Maybe the Italians will see the cast knows how to party at the end of the day with some DJ tunes once their GTL is complete.

Then again, maybe they’d prefer a more cerebral take on Michelangelo, as brainy as one can get with a naked meathead. As God touched Adam to confer self-awareness, so too may Ronnie learn something about human ontology, and maybe…just maybe…how to treat others.

That robe? That's a brain.

Now for the good stuff! Take out the implants, and J-Woww assumes a more classic beauty, as seen in the Birth of Venus. Just don’t offer to buy her a drink. Her arms are occupied with uncharacteristic modesty.

And of course,the greatest painting of all time must be reserved for the very orange face of The Jersey Shore. Both ladies share an enigmatic, not-quite-happy smirk at all times, so Snooki and the Mona Lisa just go together.