Dumbass Pages

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Hunter Shoots At, Misses Moose, Blasts Old Guy Sitting On the Toilet!

Best of Dumbass News

I am a Texan.

I now live in a Foreign Land....Maine.

Moose are a Big Deal up here.

Such a Big Deal that in 1979, moose were declared the State Animal of Maine.

Known to the Scientific Community as alces alces, which means "Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack on Its Head" or alternatively, "Mother in Law", moose play a big part in the culture and history of The Pine Tree State. Mooseare hunted, eaten and photographed here more than almost any other creature - the exceptions being lobsters and the Great New England Jackalope. Moose occasionally get caught up in swing sets as well.

They also serve to remind Mainers that we are very close to Canada. Truth be told, a moose on the other side of the Saint Croix River can fart and it can be heard as far south as Skowhegan. True story.

After many hours of fruitless pursuit of the "Mother in Law", Lars, drunk on a cheap Norwegian beer called "Pabst Blue Husqvarna", came face to antlers with his quarry. Taking careful aim at the Big Hairy Fucker With a Large Rack On Its Head, Lars steadied himself and purposefully, yet gently, squeezed the trigger of his Instrument of Laying a Moose Out as Cold as a Block of Ice (his rifle). BANG! A direct hit!

At the time of the accident, Thor was in his home!Sitting on the toilet! Taking. A. Shit!Getting blasted by a high velocity projectile from a hunting rifle while pooping causes a few things to happen:

Extreme bleeding from the wound.

Obliterated innards.

A clean Poop Chute. <---- This is called "Having the Shit Scared Out of You".

A still-live moose.

Luckily, Thor's injuries are not life threatening and he's gonna be OK.

Lars, on the other hand, was cited for the Norwegian equivalent of "Being a Reckless Scandi Taint Stain While Trying to Shoot a Moose with a High-Powered Rifle and Hitting an Old Scandi Dude Taking a Shit Instead". Dumbass.