In Love, Horned Out

My boyfriend has been on anti-depressants ever since a traumatic event and it’s zapped his libido. The weird thing is that he wakes up with a hard-on but he won’t let me touch it!

When I try to start something he tells me he’s not in the mood and pushes me away. I’m so horny I’m spending more and more time in the shower jacking off. The water bill’s killing me! He won’t talk to his doctor and on top of that, Viagra and its little varmint cousins don’t work for him. I’m in a loving but sexless relationship. Help!

In Love/Horned Out

Hey Woody,

My boyfriend has been on anti-depressants ever since a traumatic event and it’s zapped his libido. The weird thing is that he wakes up with a hard-on but he won’t let me touch it!

When I try to start something he tells me he’s not in the mood and pushes me away. I’m so horny I’m spending more and more time in the shower jacking off. The water bill’s killing me! He won’t talk to his doctor and on top of that, Viagra and its little varmint cousins don’t work for him. I’m in a loving but sexless relationship. Help!

– In love/horned out

Dear In Love,

Antidepressants are a deal with the devil: You trade a piece of ass for a peace of mind. Over 60% of people taking them report sexual side effects, including weird-feeling erections (which is why he doesn’t want sex even though he gets hard).

So why do antidepressants do to your sex life what Charlie Sheen just did to his career? Serotonin is ice cream to the brain. It makes you slurp with happiness. Antidepressants like Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft increase the level of “ice cream” by blocking its natural flow out of the brain to receptor nerve cells. But the “blockage,” if you will, also stops or suppresses a chemical crucial to sexual desire: Dopamine.

The first mistake your boyfriend made was taking antidepressants without getting therapy. You raise your treatment success by as much as 50% if you combine therapy with drugs.

The second mistake was staying on a drug that completely zapped his desire. He needs to experiment with other antidepressants. They all have a slightly different formulation so they’ll affect people differently. If none of the new SSRIs work, here are your options:

Take a drug-free holiday.

Stop taking the pills Thursday through Sunday and try playing “Hide the Salami” on Sunday night. It’ll take a longer holiday if you’re on Prozac’s because its “half-life” (the time it takes for half the dosage to course through your blood) is about a week. Remember, always consult your doctor before changing your regimen.

Lower the Dosage/Up the Therapy

Reduce the standard daily dose by half and start going to a therapist. Here’s the cheapest way to lower the dosage: If, say you’re taking Prozac at its standard 20-milligrams per day, don’t get a new prescription for 10-milligram pills. Just cut the 20-mg pill in half. No sense giving those pharma bastards a dime more than you have to.

Try the older class of anti-depressants

Ask your doctor about Tricyclics and Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors.

Volunteer for new antidepressants

Ask your doctor or look at some of the ads in alternative papers seeking test subjects for new depression medications.

Take Yohimbe

The drug has a spotty but significant record of neutralizing the sexual side effects caused by antidepressants. It’s available over the counter but don’t buy them. Get your doc to write a prescription, instead. It guarantees you’ll be taking what you think you’re taking at the dosage you think you’re taking. Not so with the over the counter shit. The FDA does not regulate them so a lot of companies fudge the ingredients as well as the dosage.

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket). Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem. I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much. It’s very embarrassing. It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt. I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church. Any advice for people like me?