The slippery slope I knowingly stepped on that lead to adultery followed by my clawing my way out of the pit of self-derision to the beautiful forgiveness and reconciliation that was waiting.

Tag Archives: gutless

I met my email friend upon my return from France, just a little lunch, to feel each other out, see if we were compatible. I was so nervous. I felt released, justified to proceed but there was still that part of me that had been a “good little girl” for so long that I was very nervous.

We met at a local cafe. He took me in his arms to greet me, I offered him my cheek. He sensed my nervousness, reassuring me at length. One glass of wine and a barely touched bowl of taco soup later we had each shared what had brought us to this point: I was ready to end my marriage and was starting to look around for the affection (and love) I felt was missing. He did not want to end his marriage but was in a sexless marriage. We talked children, grands and work (found out we were in similar fields). I felt ready to move on to the next level with him. In other words, to get intimate. When we parted he gave me the most hungry kiss then called me not five minutes later to see when we could meet again.

And meet we did. Usually once a week. I learned things about him that had I known them I would have been leery of him but by the time I learned them I didn’t care…things like he was 15 years older than I, had a heart condition (even though he was quite fit), was active in his church (I was a fairly regular attendee still myself) and had done this before. But he give me his time. We talked. He listened. I listened. He had fought in Viet Nam and had high power jobs (I googled the facts) but had taken early retirement. But…I had no future with him…I was leaving my husband and I sure wanted to know there was someone out there for me waiting. So back to the drawing board.

I still saw my email friend but began actively seeking someone who could be hubby number two. I did not want to be alone. Along the way I met other married men looking for “fun”. They usually had stories about inattentive wives or wives who flat refused to have sex. One really had no complaints…he just liked to play the field. The underbelly of humanity isn’t pretty. I felt like a counselor when I listened to these men. My advice: If you’re so unhappy that you’re out there sneaking around why don’t you get a divorce? The answer was usually: “We’ve been together so long I would lose too much money”. In other words it had become “cheaper to keep her”. But they were so unhappy and I imagine their wives were also…so sad…so gutless…

In the meantime I was saving the money for my move. Looking at apartments on-line.

One day I received an email that sounded intriguing. I responded. He wrote right back. He called. We talked for hours. Every night. This gentleman was another sexless man who had reached the point where he couldn’t stand his wife. He loved his children so he didn’t know if it was better to expose them to a loveless marriage (with fighting and degradation from her to him) or to put them through a divorce. Once again it was the “cheaper to keep her” scenario. I encouraged him to try counseling alone and with his wife. They had. I became his sound board. Finally one night I asked him what his dream was. his reply, “to be your next husband”. I was floored. And ecstatic. Had I found what I was looking for?