Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
- Mark Twain

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Me and the ice cream guy: soulmates.

Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could convincingly pass yourself off as someone who couldn't speak English (or whatever your native tongue may be?)

I spent the bulk of the day putting out fires. DUMB fires. As my board president put it, "Did you remember to douse (volunteer x)?"

Failing that, I could also have a t-shirt custom designed (or an automatic office message, even better) with all of this text:

Before you ask anything, please keep the following in mind:
- Yes, I may be obsessive about getting back to people, but no, I do not work 24/7.
- If you think you know all about getting stories on the front page, you probably don't.
- Yes, it is offensive to name your event group "Fucking Crazy People," especially seeing as how none of you has a diagnosis and unlike those of us you do, it's not funny for you to try to own that word. (OK, I exaggerate, but it was pretty close. Just remove the word "fucking.")
- No, you should not insist on signing up online when you do not know how to turn on the computer. Or spell your name.
- Yes, my time is more important than yours.

What's interesting is that while my boss is out of town, I have a volunteer running amok (the one who needs dousing) and believe it or not, the best part of my day was finding out that we are going to get ice cream donated.

The ice cream guy said he wasn't going to bring as many flavors this year, because people had - ahem - a hard time choosing.

So I got him talking - luckily he had a sense of humor - and found out that the same type of people who cause me to want to pull out my hair also show up when he donates things to nonprofit groups.

Case in point: selling pizza to support the American Cancer Society. He donates the pizza and proceeds from the sales - it's literally only $1 per pizza - go to the organization.

Complaints: "I don't want that kind! I want another kind! I want a bigger one! Why do I have to pay for this?"

Ice cream: "I want the one that's in the picture on the side of your truck. What do you mean you don't have that kind? You don't have all 50 of the kinds pictured? What kind of free ice cream service are you, anyway??

This brought back so many memories of my days in the corporate workplace. I especially loved Rock Chef's comment "You should be allowed to tazer them." Can't you just see it? Wouldn't that be F...ing hilarious?

Vanilla, chocolate, possibly strawberry. It's practically free for god's sake, people. Alternatively: pepperoni, or cheese. It's a $1 for charity people, gah! Why is it always the cheapskates who are the most high maintenance?

DW: I totally would. But I hear you have to have a job first.EC: Thank you for making me laugh my ass off!! And what a great idea.Naomi: I believe so. Cats make much more sense to me.Lynn: The ice cream guy emailed me today. Three choices, and that's it!GB: Sad, but true. I think it's probably because the shitheads will gravitate toward the free shit.RC: Great idea!GA: YES! Yes it would. Will you come bail me out? :)Debra: You are very kind. Luckily it usually only gets this way right before events. Then I have a few months in between to grow my hair back, after I have pulled it all out.CG: That is just weird. WIGSF: I will have to go check that out.Kathleen: I think cheapskate = high maintenance, for sure.Birdie: Me too!

Ah yes, I love when people complain about things that are cheap or free. And yet, bring that same ice cream guy by, have only 3 basic flavors, and charge $10 a cup because it's "gourmet," and suddenly people won't complain. Isn't it great how that works?

Joey: I was, too, but I think you're right unfortunately. And haha! I speak it enough to other people ;)Claire: You're sweet! It's only a few times a year it gets like this.ABFTS: That is a really good point! We should try that instead.Lee: I certainly intended the laughs :)

Dexter: That is hilarious! And did you have to pay for your pizza? Did they have the kind of pizza like the pictures in the display? Hmm?Ily: Pues gracias! We don't have that many Cubanos here though, so I will have to invent something...CC: So true. I think ABFTS's idea about charging $10 and calling it gourmet would probably work.