Not looking good

Monday, April 29, 2013

I said, "April 1 is Day 1." I had such grandiose plans. I was really going to do it! I had it all mapped out; all I had to do was follow the plan.

Why does life never work out as we plan? I can tell by the way my clothes fit (or don't, as the case may be), the feeling I get when I bend over to tie my shoes, and the breathlessness I experience going up just a flight or two of stairs that when I weigh in on Wednesday, I am not going to like what I see.

But all is not lost. I am still trudging on in my schooling. I am not doing well, but I am hanging in there. I still wear my FitBit and have gotten in over 1000 fitness minutes this month. I have increased my freggie intake a little. What I think is most important is that I have not given up on me. I still look at what I am doing and why. I evaluate my habits and am slowly learning how to adjust my goals.

I just emailed a friend yesterday with my latest realization. The basis of many of my issues is being so ridiculously tired. Yes, I am busy with important stuff, but I am also easily distracted. I watch TV because it's on. I play video games and spend too much time on Facebook. I know we need leisure time, but many times these things are neither relaxing nor refreshing. I do not walk away feeling rejuvenated; I walk away feeling disappointed that I let some much time slip away. I need to get a handle on those things and focus my efforts on going to bed at a reasonable time. I need to learn to turn off the electronics, walk away from the TV, and let go of all my expectations for the day. What is done is done, what is not will have to wait.

Being tired means I start my day with coffee and that has a bunch of junk in it to make it taste OK. Later, I have whatever candy or other sweets I can get hold of, just to keep me awake. Instead of doing a good job at work, I am just trying to make it through the day until I can get home and take a nap. Then I get home and try to do homework, but fall asleep after reading one paragraph. Then I feel disappointed in myself and keep fighting myself. I cannot make up my mind as to whether I should sleep or study. I sleep because I cannot stay awake, but my sleep is not that restful. I wake up and finally get some studying done, but then I have to go to bed again because morning will be here soon. So I go to bed feeling badly that I did not accomplish more homework and wonder, "How I am ever going to finish my degree? How do other people do so much more than I do? What's wrong with me? Why is this so hard? Why haven't I accomplished more with my life? I have to get up in just a few hours and go to work, and then I need to (do whatever is next on my list) and I am never going to get it all done. I need a vacation, but I am never going to get one. Why am I trying so hard?" And on and on it goes until I fall asleep (sometimes just a couple minutes, other times half hour or more). It starts all over the next day with me feeling very tired and needing coffee....

When I get a good night's sleep, things are completely different. I wake up feeling rested and I don't need coffee. I feel like I accomplish something at work instead of just hoping to make it through the day. I still struggle with the sweets, but I don't feel weighted down like when I am so tired. I feel hope and strength, not desperation.

So though I am fatter than I was April 1, not thinner; though I am nowhere near the 3.0 I desire for school; and though I have completely fallen off my stair-climbing plan, I have not given up hope.

I am going to focus all my body efforts on getting sleep. When I have that pretty much under control (maybe after a month or so), I want to add yoga. By then, I will have a little extra energy for exercise. Yoga will be perfect for me because it helps significantly reduce the pain I feel (unless I am taking the massive amounts of ibuprofen I have been prescribed) and can also help with the core strength and balance I so desperately need. Then after another month, I hope to have the energy and motivation to focus attention on my eating habits.

It feels wrong not to focus on them all at once. It feels like I am selling myself short. I know in my heart though that this is what I need. I need to stop trying to do more and be more. Instead, I need to slow down, eliminate the toxic distractions, get my rest, and allow my body to heal itself before I can ask it to do more.

ON2VICTORY
Hi Lisa, can I be honest here? What you have described probably fits far more people than you realize. You are not the only one. I do that and have so many of those frustrations its unbelievable. I just want you to know that you are not a failure or somehow different from the rest of us on here. I relate more to this post than the super successful, always got it together, super Sparky that has all their ducks in a row.