Koltnow: Oscar wit, quips and comebacks

Paul Epworth and Adele pose with their Oscars for best original song for the theme to "Skyfall" in the press room at the Academy Awards on Sunday. PAUL BERSEBACH, ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER

The newly christened Dolby Theatre looks beautiful from backstage at the Oscars.

OK, I lied. Not about the former Kodak Theatre's beauty, but about being able to see the theater from where I'm sitting. However, I can describe exactly for you what the ballroom next to the hallway on the second floor in the hotel across the alley from the Dolby Theatre looks like. Apparently, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences doesn't trust the riffraff media to mingle with the elite of Hollywood. And who can blame the academy?

Anyway, the ballroom is lovely. And now on with the "backstage" show.

Revenge is sweet – Ben Affleck, who won the best-picture Oscar as "Argo's" producer, said he was "naturally disappointed" to be snubbed in the directing category, but felt better when he saw the other top directors who were excluded from the list. "I admire all of them," he said. "It was a tough year, and you're not entitled to anything."

Asked what he was thinking when first lady Michelle Obama announced his Oscar, he confessed that he was hallucinating at the time, and later asked fellow producer George Clooney if that indeed was Mrs. Obama reading their names.

That first step is a killer – Best actress Jennifer Lawrence was asked what happened when she fell on her way to the podium. "What happened? I tried to walk upstairs in this dress. That's what happened."

Asked how her Oscar day started, she compared it to Steve Martin's in the comedy "Father of the Bride." "It was mostly chaotic and so stressful. I got up, tried on the dress and it fit. But I didn't eat and I was really hungry in the limo on the way over here."

When a reporter wondered if after winning an Oscar at such a young age (22), she was worried about peaking too soon, the stunned actress paused, and then said, "Well, now I am."

Don't tug on the beard – Best actor Daniel Day-Lewis, who revealed that he grew his own beard during the filming of "Lincoln," said he was concerned about an Irish actor playing an American president. "There was a paralyzing quality to it. If we got it wrong, I might not be allowed to show my face in this country again."

Day-Lewis is famous for disappearing into his characters, but he assured us that he had ended his Lincoln period. "I'm definitely out of character at this moment," he said. "If I get stuck in it again, you have my permission for an intervention."

Quentin's second banana wins again – Despite a large contingent of German journalists on hand, supporting-actor winner Christoph Waltz refused to supply answers in his native German. He hinted that he had accommodated the German reporters in 2010, when he won the same award for "Inglorious Basterds," but felt it didn't go over well with the English-language media.

Waltz then was asked one of the dumbest English-language questions of all time – "How do you feel?" – and he responded accordingly. "This happened exactly seven minutes ago," he explained. "I was on a list with the greatest actors around. How do you think I feel? I can't really tell you. Sorry."

Then something really strange happened. A "journalist" stood up to ask a question, but it wasn't a journalist at all. It was actor David Arquette, who was credentialed for the Howard Stern radio show. He hogged the microphone, asked dumb questions and announced to everyone that he was an actor to make sure he wasn't mistaken for one of us. No chance of that – none of us was dumped by Courteney Cox. He asked Waltz how he would feel about a black pope, presumably because his film – "Django Unchained" – was about slavery. The question made sense in the Howard Stern context. Waltz said he didn't care what color the new pope might be. "If you are non-racist, you must stay non-racist."

By the way, Waltz was asked when he knew the role was special, and he said he knew it when Tarantino was sending it to him over his home printer. "Each page, I realized it was something special."

Oh, no, not Jack again – It may have seemed like "Life of Pi" might be headed for a best-picture Oscar, but director Ang Lee had a premonition that it wasn't in the cards. The last time Lee won a best-directing Oscar, for "Brokeback Mountain," he also was denied a best-picture Oscar, which was announced that year by Jack Nicholson. Guess who announced the category this year?

Paul Epworth and Adele pose with their Oscars for best original song for the theme to "Skyfall" in the press room at the Academy Awards on Sunday. PAUL BERSEBACH, ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman joke in the press room during the 85th annual Academy Awards at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood on Sunday. They won for best animated feature for "Brave." PAUL BERSEBACH, ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
Halle Berry appears backstage at the Oscars at the Dolby Theatre on Sunday. MATT SAYLES, INVISION/AP
Hugh Jackman, center, and Helena Bonham Carter, right, are backstage at the Oscars at the Dolby Theatre on Sunday. MATT SAYLES, INVISION/AP

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