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Opening the latest Design Week, I almost choked on my croissant (Diary, DW 8 May). I was confronted by an outrageous slur on my character by the publication of a picture purporting to be me.

I would like to make it quite clear that the person depicted in the Our Price receipt pouch, featured in your magazine, was in fact, my lesser known brother Cedric, last seen running a holistic spiritual workshop in Goa. He was also nearing the completion of a major musical based on the life of Thomas Crapper, the renowned inventor of the water closet, but I digress.

As neither I, nor my legal advisors, have been able to track Cedric down, I can only assume that, in poverty, he was forced to take on this sordid enterprise.

I imagine my identity was used to give some sort of “gravitas” to the promotion. Actually, a similar misunderstanding occurred a few years ago when Cedric appeared wearing latex undergarments and other implements in an “educational” catalogue.

I am now in the final stages of securing the services of OJ Simpson’s defence team to stamp out this fraudulent use of my likeness.