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Daily Digestion – Late Hump Day Edition

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Btw, when I say Daily Digest, I actually mean “Whenever I feel like it Digest.” (In case you haven’t noticed.)

Before we move on to the Real Housewives nonsense, I promised a couple times that I would post a photo of the legendary brown La-Z-Bay chair. You’ve heard the stories I’m sure. Anyhow, my elderly parents spend a couple weeks at my house each winter. They load up their van and drive halfway across the country. This last time, they showed up and started carrying luggage into the house. Then in comes a La-Z-Boy chair. More luggage. Start unpacking. Yes, they thought they could bring their chair across the country, set it up in my living room and I wouldn’t notice. Apparently, my sleek, minimalist modern furniture isn’t comfortable enough. A La-Z-Boy chair is the ultimate in all-comfort, no frills appeal. Designed not to be a furniture show piece, but rather, something that places your body in a state in between sleeping and sitting (slitting?). No discussion of this chair came up during their stay. It was situated in my living room near my pale sage green Danish style contemporary sofa (my dog isn’t even allowed direct contact with this). When my parents left, I just assumed they would carry the La-Z-Boy chair back to the van and drive it back across the country. Back to its birthplace in a small rural Missouri village. Once my parents left, I walked out into the living room and THERE IT WAS! Note, there wasn’t any discussion about whether the chair would stay or go. Weeks later, the chair remains as I continue to contemplate its ultimate fate. Photo below for your reference.

The new Bravo TV matchmaking show Miss Advised ticked up in ratings ever so slightly from 566,000 viewers last week to 607,000. I think they MIGHT make it to the third episode, but I will be surprised if Bravo goes for a fourth episode unless there’s some sort of miraculous ratings bump. Patti Stanger has a relatively successful matchmaking show on Bravo as far as the ratings go, but after the poor ratings from Love Broker recently, I’m surprised they had not one but two new matchmaking shows coming out in succession. I think they may have been trying to do what they did with the Real Housewives franchise, take the same idea that’s working and cast a new group of “characters.” This concept worked with Million Dollar Listing (L.A. and N.Y.C.), but my hunch is that Millionaire Matchmaker has done well (some years better than others) because it’s built around one strong [crazy?] personality. Not because people love to see awkward dating failures.

The Real Housewives of Orange County finale had 2.504 million viewers, which is a strong performance. I speculated after watching the show last night that Jim Bellino may not allow Alexis to appear on the next season. He’s beyond bitter and hates everyone. Plus they have a new trampoline park in the works. (Which actually sounds crazy enough to be the perfect new plot arc for these two characters next season.) Someone else thought the same thing.

Pregnant in Heels had 931,000 viewers this week. Last season, this show had the worst ratings on the Bravo schedule. I couldn’t figure out why they bothered to keep the show. But it’s starting to get a reasonable following. It must have been one of those shows that had poor ratings overall, but it hit the sweet spot for the 20-30 year-old female demographic. Each episode seems to get stranger and stranger, which could work to its advantage. Last week I felt tortured watching the woman who didn’t have the common decency to shower in three days (if a camera crew showed up at your house, wouldn’t you take a shower sometime that day? Or at least do a quick pit rinse?). This week we had a woman with trust issues, who didn’t want a baby nurse in the house stealing and looking in her medicine cabinet. So what do they do? They set up surveillance to show this crazy woman that no, a baby nurse will not invade your privacy. And of course they all start snooping the second they’re left alone. Worst fears fully confirmed. This particular woman also has an enthusiasm for BOTOX, which you’re not supposed to do if you’re pregnant. Unless you have really bad migraines, then the baby just needs to deal with it. Anyhow, she gave birth and this poor baby had forehead creases. Which sent me through a thought process of wondering – is three months too young for BOTOX?

I keep seeing news headlines that read along the lines of: ”Virginia Gubernatorial Candidate Tareq Salami blah blah blah.” How can you type this out, send it to the webmaster and hit “publish” without questioning any remaining journalistic integrity? I don’t know where they find the strength, but I’m just glad they’re capable of throwing their dignity out the window with such ease.

The Real Housewives of NYC had 1.462 million viewers this week, up from 1.39 million last week. Still some of the worst Real Housewives ratings ever. But there is good news coming down the pipeline for Bravo. We all know that the ratings JUMP big time when Housewives go on overseas trips. Well we have two upcoming trips on RHoNYC, so there may still be hope for this show. I’m predicting some much improved ratings, and for our friend Jeel Zarun to pretend to congratulate Bravo on the uptick (or say nothing at all and quietly fume with Ginger while laying in bed all day watching Season Two reruns).

I’ve compared Shrill Blarin’ to a vampire that can never die. Just when you think her reality TV career is all over, she rises from the dead. Bravo made it clear this week that there was no chance in hell they were bringing her back to the Real Housewives. (Allegedly after JZ saw herself on the poorly-rated Top 20 Reunion Show, she sent a “legal letter” to Bravo demanding payment for the clip. Then Bravo announced through People magazine the next day that she’d never be hired back. Would you rather get paid for an old clip on Bravo, or be asked back to the show and make a lot more money and resume center stage in the glowing lights of the reality TV spotlight? Well now JZ says not even a million dollars is enough $$$ to get her to consider returning to the show. Which really means, she’d be willing to pay Bravo $250,000 to hire her back without any pay.) But JZ threatens, I mean, promises, there are surprises in store. In other words, now that she knows she’s not coming back to the show for sure now, she can move on to her Plan Bs. Jill Zarin won’t return for $1 million.

My Twitter play by play for the season finale of the Real Housewives of Orange County:

RHoOC now on Left Coast – Every scene has a new context with the Fur hanging out.

I thought Tamra and Gretchen were about to become a lesbian couple this week. Primed for a huge fight.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Jim Bellino yanks his wife from #RHoOC after this season. He likes to stay fully in control.

Don’t ever put Vicki in her place unless you want to die. Fur will fly. Literally.

Brooks has a blank look on his face as Vicki comes completely unhinged.

Brooks has a way of bringing out primal rage in people, he’ll be back next season.

A screaming hell match, Vicki tries to leave, then Heather tries to get her to come back into the coliseum for a final toast.

Notice all the men are too scared to speak.

“I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m done.” –Vicki Until next season that is.

Slade is having his vasectomy reversed. Thank you for sharing, Bravo.

Who wants to go to the Bellino trampoline park and get concussions for the insurance money with me?

Real Housewives of NJ had 2.872 million viewers this week. That show knows how to deliver. Friendships and alliances are forever destroyed, but at least you’re getting twice as many bodies in front of the TV as the Real Housewives of NYC! We should find out any time now if Joe Giudice goes to jail (which is highly likely). Which probably means the ratings for RHoNJ will go even higher next season. Maybe it’s time for the Teresa Giudice spinoff (some might argue Teresa already has her own show, but it’s called the Real Housewives of NJ, and everyone else is just a supporting character).

I’m leaving out a ton of other important information critical to your reality TV lives, but it’s been a long day so I need to go relax and float away into the La-Z-Boy chair.