Not on the right path anymore?

At the moment I feel like Frederick, the mouse. I look back on my supplies I collected for winter in the last: Sun rays, colors and stories.

The change from bright blue sky to grey winter sky and a temperature drop from +19C° to -2C° was challenging. It didn’t take long and I was longing for Portuguese sun rays on my face, the light feeling around my body (because it wasn’t packed into a thick winter jacket) and I even missed the tiny ants crawling on my body when I was meditating down by the river during sunset.

I imagine Ericeira’s vivid colors in front of my inner eye…the strong blue of the ocean, the bright red of the flowers, the lush green of the trees.

But most of all, I’m enjoying the stories that I have collected.

Stories that are searching their way on to paper and create worlds,

filled with strange figures, funny moments, and a vortex of emotions.

But also stories that are told by air and want to be free, not stuck on paper.

Listen to your intuition!

One of these stories happened in Sweden where I volunteered at a B&B/Spiritual Growth Center.

I also did a session in regression therapy. It was very exciting! Maybe I will share my experience here one day 😉

(If you would like to know more about the topic, click here. If you are looking for an amazing regression therapist, click on Anne Bodil Rosvik.)

One result of this session was: I should listen more to my intuition.

And because I had a close connection to my subconscious mind in this moment, we also took a look into my future.

What my subconscious mind showed me? Pictures of a lucrative, financially very good offer that wouldn’t make me happy if I accept. If I would reject the offer, I would be on an artistic path that would make me happy.

The answer to my question when this will happen: Next summer.

Dear subconscious, we have to practice a bit and tune our sense of time. Could it be that you didn’t mean summer but winter?

Suddenly everything went very fast

In October I created a profile/job search posting at a Swiss job portal.

In November I wanted to keep going with my book project and my plan for December was looking for a job in Switzerland, be there in January and compare different daycares.

But soon after I received a job offer from a daycare in Zurich.

First impression of their website? Didn’t convince me.

Second impression during my skype interview? Very nice people and their pedagogical approach didn’t seem to be so different from mine.

Third impression when I started working there? Very nice staff. The pedagogical concept? Pretty much the exact opposite of everything I stand for. I’m still wondering why they thought I would fit in, they had read my profile…

The evening before I left my parent’s place, my whole body screamed at me

“no, this is not the right way”.

I missed the natural excitement of the last months whenever I went/flew to the next country. Instead of anticipation there was this bad feeling in my stomach that I am making a mistake.

Nothing worked out in the first days.

When I searched for a room in a shared flat, people told me about the difficult relationship between Swiss and Germans (I had read about that before), my international colleagues were venting about reserved Swiss and that there are so many things forbidden in Switzerland.

Not a good start. Not a good vibe.

But what convinced me the most that I’m in the wrong place: I continuously thought about smoking. And that made me so angry!

I haven’t touched a cigarette for the last 10 months (this is officially the longest time I haven’t smoked!), did cope with every new situation although I sometimes was really (!) nervous.

Realizing that I had chosen a job that I don’t identify with at all, was too much. And then I remembered what the therapist of our smoke-free self-help group told us:

“If the thought of a cigarette becomes too strong, you immediately have to get out of the situation!”

Well, it’s not that simple. I’m not one of those who don’t show up anymore from one day to the other.

I survived those days with a lot of rescue remedy drops (that I actually haven’t needed anymore since approx. May) and decided to quit again as soon as possible.

What I have learned from that? I won’t sign a job contract if I haven’t seen the working place.

What now?

I keep thinking that I shouldn’t have been so damn comfortable. I didn’t have to take care of applications and took the first job offer I got. I have to admit they were very convincing during the skype interview. Still, I chose the (financially) safe way – and that was the wrong one.

I chose Switzerland for mainly one reason: Money. Because no matter if I ever want to apply for Permanent Residency in Canada or if I decide to completely work as a freelancer (what I want to do for ages), I need a financial basis for that.

But what if I take it from the wrong angle? Instead of thinking “first I need a financial cushion, then I can start”, maybe I should just jump into the cold water.

My head is spinning of all the possibilities, risks and chances that could be.

I need a break from all this back and forth and I will take a step back and think about Switzerland again. I don’t know if it gets a second chance.

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About me

Hi, I'm Kiki! Idealistic social pedagogue, passionate writer, ambitious student of life and a curious world discoverer. You will find more information about me in my personal world wanderer story (January 2016). Have fun reading my blog! Be inspired! :)