I was overwhelmed by all the philosophical and historical evidence for God and the Bible. How could anyone be an atheist? Perhaps they just weren’t aware of the evidence. Maybe if more of them knew about it, then at least the ones who were open-minded would change their beliefs.

For a short time, I felt God was calling me into the ministry so I could help share this information with the secular world. I came up with a very specific strategy: I would show atheists that if you approach the question of God’s existence and the historicity of the Bible with an open mind and no biases, you will come to the conclusion that Christianity is true. But in order to show them that, first I had to do it myself.

My plan was to pretend I’d never heard of Christianity, be as objective as possible, and investigate the Christian religion with an open mind. As a Christian, I already “knew” I would come to the conclusion that Christianity is true, but I wanted to do it anyway so I could walk atheists through the process and show them my line of reasoning.

I never expected to find out that Christianity isn’t true.

You might be picturing a cliche montage of a student spending hours at the library, sitting at a table and poring over volume after volume. It didn’t happen like that. Yes, I did a lot of reading, but the main thing I did differently was change my perspective to that of an atheist. I tried to imagine how they saw the world and what criticisms they might have for Christianity.

If you’re a Christian, then at this point you might think I read several atheist books and was “corrupted.” Nope. I didn’t read a single atheist book or article. Throughout my entire deconversion process, I read nothing but the Bible and Christian books. In fact, I didn’t read any atheist books until years later. Which means I deconverted completely on my own.

All I did was imagine the atheist perspective and I came up with all sorts of questions I’d never thought of before:

And dozens more. I looked for answers in Christian books, but most of them didn’t even address these questions. I also asked family members and people at church, but it was obvious they’d never seriously considered these questions. In fact, they seemed to be making up their answers on the spot, and their answers usually missed the point of the question anyway.

One day my pastor said something I’ll never forget: “You have to have faith.” I know, it seems pretty obvious, right? All Christians ever talk about is faith. But what I realized is that faith is all they have.

Once you point out all the problems with their philosophical arguments and supposed historical evidence, they always fall back to faith. “You just have to believe and trust God,” my pastor said. “Someday he’ll give you all the answers, but for now you have to have faith.”

Suddenly my plan to lead atheists to God using evidence was ruined. Why? Because there is no evidence. Sure, there are countless reasons why people believe in god, but none of them involve reliable evidence that other people can verify. In fact, there’s more evidence for aliens than for Christianity. So if you want to be a Christian, you just have to set aside your doubts and believe.

But that raised a new question: How did I know my beliefs were true? Normally when you’re not sure if something is true, you can do your research and find out. But when it comes to religion, you can research it everyday for the rest of your life and never come any closer to finding out whether it’s true. All you can do is have faith.

So how did I know my faith was in the right religion? I didn’t. I remember the moment I realized that. I was driving to work, and it made me so sick to my stomach that I almost pulled over. Up until that moment, I would have happily said, “I know Christianity is true.” But now my honest answer was, “I don’t know if Christianity is true.”

Once I acknowledged the possibility that Christianity was just another made up religion, I began to see more and more problems with it. Pretty soon, the stories of Yahweh seemed about as plausible as the stories of Greek gods. And the life of Jesus seemed about as realistic as the life of Muhammad. How could I go on dedicating my life to something that might not even be true?

It’s one thing to have strange beliefs. Lots of people believe in things like Bigfoot, aliens, and the Lochness monster, and most of these people will acknowledge that they could be wrong, but they’re fine with that because they’re not basing their lives on these beliefs.

But with Christianity, everything hinges on it: how you look at the world, how you treat your spouse, how you raise your children, how you decide what’s right and wrong, how you spend your Sundays, and so forth. Christians are even counting on their beliefs to be true so they can escape death itself.

How could I let Christianity dictate my entire life and hopes for the future if I didn’t even know if it was true?

“You have to have faith.”

That answer just didn’t work for me anymore. I didn’t–and still don’t–know how to base my life on something that could be completely made up.

At some point, I forgot all about my plan to convert atheists to Christianity. At first I kept reading Christian books in hopes that I would stumble upon better answers to my questions, but the more I read these books the more certain I felt they were wrong. Eventually I quit reading Christian books altogether. It was too depressing.

Over the next two years, my faith in God and the Bible continued to fade away. There were a couple times when I got emotional and rededicated my life to Christ, but it never lasted long. Sometimes I begged God to strengthen my faith, but he never did, and that only made my faith weaker. Eventually, I just didn’t believe in god anymore.

I still thought god was one possible explanation for the origin of the universe, life, and consciousness. But I also knew there could be other explanations, perhaps ones nobody had even thought of yet. So until somebody could prove the god hypothesis, I wasn’t going to believe it. And that’s how I became an atheist.

The reason I’m sharing this is to offer myself as an example of someone who set aside his biases, investigated the claims of Christians as objectively as possible, and came to the conclusion that there is no good evidence for the existence of God or the historicity of the Bible. Ultimately, you have to have faith. And if Christianity requires faith, then it’s no more valid than any other religion.

To the Christians reading this, I know some of you probably skeptical. You might think I was never a true Christian or that I’m suppressing the truth in unrighteousness. Go ahead. All I can do is share my experience. You don’t have to believe me.

But I want you to do something: Stop assuming you’re right and at least consider the possibility that you could be wrong. Stop being so arrogant as to think you have it all figured out, and have a little humility. When you go to church, study the Bible, or read a Christian book, don’t enthusiastically agree with everything you hear and read. Instead, just think about it. Be as critical of Christianity as you would be of any other religion. If your beliefs are true, then you have nothing to be afraid of.

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Comments

“Lots of people believe in things like Bigfoot, aliens, and the Lochness monster….”

I also like to include “elves” in such a grouping. In Iceland, there are many people who have faith in the existence of elves. If I lack a belief in the existence of elves, is the burden upon me to prove that elves do not exist?

Thank you so much for writing this. This sounds so familiar as it somewhat mirrors my de-conversion from evangelical Christianity to agnosticism and eventual atheism. As my wife is still a believer, I feel caught in a vice sometimes as our beliefs are now in conflict (I was a believer when we married). I am sharing this post with her to help understand WHY I started to doubt. As you so elequently put:

“The reason I’m sharing this is to offer myself as an example of someone who set aside his biases, investigated the claims of Christians as objectively as possible, and came to the conclusion that there is no good evidence for the existence of God or the historicity of the Bible.”

The questions that you raised for yourself mirror many of those detailed by John Loftus in his excellent book “The Outsider Test For Faith”. I highly recommend it for any believer truly wanting to look at things objectively.

Another book that you may enjoy is Dan Barker’s “Losing Faith in Faith”. As you may or may not know, Dan is a former evangelist who became a nonbeliever and is now co-president of the FFRF, along with Annie Laurie Gaylor. He’s also a very nice guy – too nice in my opinion.

I Don’t believe in God anymore. I am Sick and Tired of being Tested, while the Rest of the World enjoys their lives, but the so called GOD, Does Nothing for me. Nothing. I Pray and Pray for Years, but GOD is so Deaf to my longings for a better life. GOD is Not for Me, and he has Never been. And my daughter and me have been through All Kinds of injustices, but GOD is Never on Our Side. I Believed in GOD my entire life, but I get Older and Older and the Only thing I Got from GOD was Punishment for being a Good Godly Person. So, NO, I don’t believe in GOD anymore.

Let me begin by suggesting that I would willing surrender my faith for good cause. Frankly I am tired… and having lost a wife, and later a son, I live daily with deep emotional pain. I would give anything to no longer care. Simply going black causes me no fear.

When I was very young I dedicated myself to knowing what was true… to the extent, that is, that I could discern truth. It is for this reason that I continue to believe. Well, that and I have a deep passionate love for God. One in the same actually… truth and God.

So I will provide limited answers to your first two questions… as I am typing on an iPad, a thing I hate, and it is late. But here goes.

As to why we are born into sin… man, given free will, chose sin. God of course knew this would be man’s choice. God used this choice to allow man to understand the cost of sin. Some of us, understanding this cost, turn back to God, others do not. This decision has eternal consequences such that having turned away from sin in this world we are choosing to live sinlessly for all time. On the other hand, turning our backs to God in this world is also a choice for all time. When God created beings of free will the stakes were very high… Free will is a god like trait that comes at a huge cost.

As to your theoretical pair of individuals, God does not play games. He knows the content of our hearts and it is here that we are judged… not by what we say, or even think, but by what it is that we truly desire. Some days I think what I desire is oblivion. I am very tired of the pain. But what happens to me is of less importance to me than the understanding and certain knowledge of God’s existence. And if I am honest with myself I know that where I long to be is with him.

If the day comes that you stand before God in judgement having refused the gift of salvation you will have put yourself there… not by word, or by deed, but rather by the desire of your heart.

Somehow I am guessing that you will not do that… for I still hear the longing in your words, which is why I have taken the time to respond.

You talk about this “gift of salvation”, but how am I supposed to accept a gift that I can’t even confirm exists? Even most Christians admit you have to have faith, so how do you know you’re not deluding yourself just like the tens of billions of people throughout history who have believed other religions?

If God really wants me to accept his gift, he’ll appear to me and offer it. My deepest desire is to know the truth, whatever that may be. If God exists, I want to know about. But until you can provide some sort of empirical evidence, I’m going to remain an agnostic by necessity and an atheist by default.

Yes, I sensed in you a sincere desire to know what is true. This is something that you and I share in common.

I am just go to assert this, although I am happy to go into any of the following points in more detail.

The closest we come to knowing what is true in this world is knowing what we truly believe. Sadly, most people never accomplish this, rather they insist on beliefs they do not hold for the sake of expedience… the espoused beliefs seeming to gain them something they think they want. For you I suspect a real answer to this question is a necessity.

Our beliefs grow directly out of our desires. What we truly desire forms the causative action that yields what we truly believe.

Our desires grow directly from our actions. The more we act in a given direction the stronger our desire grows.

Our actions are a result of choice as we are agents of free will. Because we have free will we must choose. Ironically, choice is the one thing we have no choice in.

Now what I have written above is true for all human souls… the following is opinion…

I believe that God wants relationship. If humans were robots their love for God would be forced. If they had absolute knowledge of his will many would act out of fear. God desires to gather a people to him who come to him of their own free will out of a desire for relationship with him.

Maybe he does not exist. This is not a thing I can know. But tell me, what have I lost by pursuing the desire of my heart? Do you think there is some kind of prize given those who remain stoical to the end?

I can give you near endless reasoning to justify my faith… but you and I know that after the endless hours (and I am very, very good at apologetics) we would just be two men without the ultimate answers.

So tell me this? Are you going to hold out for the final revelation, staying true to the end just on the outside chance that there is nothing really there? Or are you willing to take the plunge… follow after the desire of your heart… My sense of you is that you and I will meet someday in heaven. As I have already stated, I believe we are saved by that which lies within our hearts, not our heads. But how sad will it be to discover that all the time between now and then there was a purpose and design for your life, but that you missed out on all of it?

And before you rankle over the idea of design… I had three children. I tried to understand how each was formed, and tried to help each one achieve that for which they were made… that which would give them the most satisfaction and joy. One is going onto medical school, while the oldest is about to pursue a PhD in biology (we are of the scientific ilk around here). My son, who was killed in an accident shortly after turned 18 was one of the finest young men I have ever known. My plans for them centered on their joy and happiness. How much more perfect do you think your heavenly father’s plans are for you?

If you wish to discuss apologetics I am happy to do so… but my guess is that what I have written is of much greater value. If you have other questions I am happy to respond. If you wish to point out flaws in my reasoning I will tell you up front that nothing gives me more joy than when folks prove to me that I am wrong. I love learning…

I’m struggling with my”faith”. It seems that God has no faith in mankind. Questions I am dealing with are:
Why do the best people get the shaft while bad people seem to get everything.
Why does Christ have to come again to finish the job?
Why did anyone have to die in the first place?
Why did God create sin and evil?
Why, if Christ won, has the world gotten so much worse?
Why did God not destroy evil before he created mankind?
This is all his/her screw up, why do we have to die? Why did he create a world that is so bad? Who does he allow sin to perpetuate?
I’m a church going Christian but my faith is dead. My belief in mankind is dead.
Mankind is fucked …FUBAR

Wow, I’m so sorry for your suffering. Life gets a lot simpler (and better) when you accept that god probably doesn’t exist and leave religion behind. Then you can stop wrestling with all these questions and focus on improving your life. Don’t let theism hold you back any longer.

I started losing my faith six years ago when my first child was born. I looked and saw all the suffering going on around the world, especially children. It made me question everything. Questions like you’ve already put.
I was agnostic for a while but this last year I feel that I’ve stopped believing altogether.
If there is a god, then who made god? Where did he come from?

I hate to say this. But I just came across this article, as I sit next to my bible, because I googled “I’m losing belief in God.” I have to admit I’m scared. But there is just too many contradictions. Too many things that don’t make sense. For example – Many prophecies have come true right? Well, so have prophecies from Paganism, Islam, Jewism, Budhism etc;. So, if each religion has had prophecies that have come true. Then that must mean either, every religion is true. Or all are fake. I want to believe in God. But I can’t. I love Jesus, and I love God. But I am finding myself just believing they’re made up. I do believe there is a God. However, I believe that it is about the soul. I don’t Believe in heaven or hell. I believe in Karma. I have seen and heard spirits first hand. So I am leaning more towards believing in the spiritual pagan belief.

I’m very late to this, but I’m sitting here 8 months into a pregnancy that my husband and I prayed for for so long, sobbing, feeling like I’m turning my back on God who had blessed me and taken care of me through the years. I feel like I’ve lost some huge part of my life and I’m not sure how to process it.

Neither my husband nor I grew up in Christianity but both later found it in our adult lives. We followed somewhat blindly but were never evangilecal or devout. We’d skip Sundays and our faith would waiver in the face of hard times. Me, especially. After my step-dad died unexpectedly just months before he was to walk me down the aisle which was also around the same time as the Sandy Hook shooting, I was shaken and didn’t feel much like praising God. Still, I never really stopped believing and always managed to find my way back.

Then, with a baby on the way, my husband, being the amazing man he is, decided he wanted to be prepared to raise our daughter in Christ and started reading his bible every day. His intention was to get CLOSER to God and in turn lead his family close to God. It backfired. The more he read of his bible, the more that everything he’d learned about God didn’t make sense. He began to share his doubts with me, not to convince me, but in hopes that we could find answers. I did lots of research to try to help him find answers. Rarely was the question answered and if it was, it usually relied on another part of the Bible to be true. If the legitimacy of the Bible is being questioned, it wouldn’t make sense to use biblical references as an answer (which also points to more inconsistencies and contradictions in the Bible, making it even harder to believe).

Now here we are. I believe my husband has officially lost all faith, but I’m still clinging to some shred of hope of some divine intervention. Something happened when my daughter was 7 that I haven’t been able to shake as some sort of “proof” that God and his angels exist – we had all gathered at my grandmothers house as she lay there on her deathbed. She had become incoherent only grunting and mumbling at this point and we all knew her days had come to an end, still we all kept speaking to her and trying to make sense of what she was trying to say. On this one night, she let out a series of mumbles and my aunt asked my grandmother what she was trying to say. From the next room, my daughter says “she said she’s going to talk to the angels”. My immediate response was “when?” and without skipping a beat, my daughter said “on Tuesday”. My grandmother passed away on Tuesday. This is one of those things that if someone had told me this story I would have smiled and just assumed it was some cute little anecdote to get me to feel better about something, but having it happen to me in a room full of my relatives who all heard the same thing (no I’m not crazy) makes it hard to let go.

Sorry to ramble on. I’m not sure that I have a point to this comment at all, really. Just sharing how torn I am about all of this. At this point I’m not sure anyone will ever see this… it might just be that it’s cathartic for me to write it all down.