Justin Bieber's first day in Hampstead

Justin Bieber has moved into a sprawling Hampstead house. We imagine what his first day in the affluent leafy suburb might just look like...

Tom Hiddleston, a new Highgate resident, is running some errands on Hampstead High Street when he sees a lone little girl wandering aimlessly. She seems to be oddly dressed in enormous clothes and a baseball cap on sideways. He approaches her, concerned.

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'Are you all right, sweetheart?' he asks kindly. 'Are you looking for your mummy?'

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'Do you ever hear screaming in your head?' the beautiful creature says in an American accent.

An SUV comes tearing down the road and screeches to a grinding halt. Five men leap out.

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'Justin!' a bearded man calls, also in an American accent. 'Don't just wander off like that, man. It's not safe. There are Beliebers everywhere.'

Oh my God, it's Justin Bieber, not a 12-year-old schoolgirl, Tom realises. Taylor had explained Beliebers to him during happier times in Rome. She compared them to the blood-thirsty rabble of the Colosseum. Tom bites his lip, remembering. Oh, Taylor…

'Justin,' one of the men says. 'Listen to Scooter. Did you take your pills today?'

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'I just wanted to, like, chill in one of those pub places. Play some Beatles and maybe a little Beethoven on the piano,' Justin says sadly. 'They don't scream so much in the pubs. They listen.' He covers his ears.

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'Where's his Game Boy, give him his Game Boy, now, now, now,' Scooter Braun, his manager, mutters, clicking is fingers urgently. Someone hurriedly hands it to him.

'You wanna catch some Pokémon? If anyone's gonna catch Mr Mime, it's the inspirational artist who has sold 5 million copies of his award-winning album,' Scooter says, enticing him towards the car like the child catcher. Justin seems to relax.

'I guess,' he shrugs. 'And this hill is kind of steep. Can we make it less, you know, hilly next time I visit? I'm tired.'

He turns to Tom. 'Wanna see my house?' he asks. 'It's kind of cool. And I feel like I wanna connect with you. Find out your purpose.'

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With more free time on his hands now that he's single, Tom shrugs and gets into the car. They play 'Sorry' loudly all the way back to Hampstead Garden Suburb. When Tom tries to join in, he is told to be quiet. Only Justin is allowed to accompany himself.

They pass Kenwood House on the way. 'Oh,' Justin says. 'Why am I not living in that house?' 'Look into that, please,' Scooter says to one of the team, who immediately starts making calls.

They pull up outside Heath Hall on the Bishops Avenue, former home of William Park Lyle, the Tate & Lyle sugar king. It's enormous.

'Gosh,' Tom gulps as they head in. 'This is... gosh.'

'I miss my monkey…' Justin whispers, looking forlorn. 'I wish the German government would give him back. My swimming pool is that way. I have to lie down now. I need to think about my purpose.' He puts a hand on Tom's shoulder. 'I want you to know I appreciate the love. And I hope, someday, I'm just like you. When I'm old.'