Why I chose to abstain from sex after my divorce

Amanda Ndiki, the author of ‘Stepping Into Your True Self’ and a celibacy activist, chats to us about her decision to abstain from sex after her divorce.

We live in a world where abstinence is seldom spoken about. It’s almost as if not engaging in sex makes you seem inhuman. But one lady who has abstained for almost five years and reaped the benefits of celibacy is Amanda Ndiki.

“After separating from the father of my child, I was a mess. In that process, I had two relationships and I realised that you attract what you are. You cannot give what you do not have. So I felt I needed to find Amanda. That’s when I decided to go celibate. It was towards the end of 2012.”

Amanda says the beginning of the journey was the hardest and it came with a lot of pressure, even from society.

“When I started it wasn’t easy. The first two years I was like, ‘what the heck are you doing, for who and what?’. But emotionally I wasn’t okay. I couldn’t stand for my truth. I realised that sex has been my weakness, and I need help. So after making the decision, I knew I had to take off the mask. I needed someone to help remind me of my decision and to support me, so I turned to my mother and was accountable to her. I knew if I was hiding behind a mask, I wasn’t going to heal, and would’ve never gotten out of bondage.

“What made it even more difficult was the pressure from society as well. I would constantly get judged. It’s as if without sex you die, or something is wrong, or you are mentally disabled. But they are not looking at the benefits. We focus on sexual pleasures.

“Celibacy brings clarity. Sex enslaves emotionally. You have sex because you’ve to satisfy sexual gratification. When you sleep with someone, you exchange energies through the soul and spirit. You lose a part of you and gain a part of them. Sometimes you sleep with someone and end up taking their demons. You embed them into your soul.”

Amanda says sex can rob relationships of communication and can cloud people’s judgement.

“There are so many dynamics to sex. Sex is very deep. The consequences of sex being done for the wrong reasons and under the wrong institution is broken families which results in broken children and ultimately a broken society.“

But she says there are countless benefits to celibacy.

“Celibacy brings clarity and it exposes one to communication. It allows you to get into the person’s character. I’ve seen people in toxic relationships getting healed and liberated through celibacy. But it’s a lot of work. You need to take care of your mind. You can’t dilute your mind with sexual videos and talk. I watch my space, my associates, what I listen to and see. That’s why I’m where I am. I wouldn’t have achieved that if hanged around the wrong crowd, and fed my mind the wrong things.”

When it comes to sexual urges, Amanda concludes that it is all about discipline.

“You soon realise that it’s just an urge that if you don’t entertain, goes away. I am at a point where I never wake up feeling like I have to have sex. I can continue for 10 years without it. Sex doesn’t define me.”