OK, it's not a Smartphone. Even we are too smart to drop a Smartphone in a glass of beer for giggles. (It's not even very expensive beer.)

OK, it's not a Smartphone. Even we are too smart to drop a Smartphone in a glass of beer for giggles. (It's not even very expensive beer.)

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PEEK: Phone’s smart, how about the caller?

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“Payday came and with it beer.”

— Rudyard Kipling, poet/author/drinking man

With the arrival of St. Patrick’s Day, we figured it was our civic duty to pass along a bit of public service information that might enable readers to avoid the catastrophic expense and untold heartbreak that can result from excessive drinking.

We, of course, refer to the seldom-mentioned trauma and self-loathing associated with dropping that pricey new Smartphone into a mug full of beer, while trying to do a little seasonal drunk-dialing. The luck of the Irish, you might say.

Obviously, there are cases in which dunking the device might, in the long run, prove to be cheaper than completing the call. These usually involving exes or bosses and occur at about the eighth empty glass and fourth George Jones song juncture of the “celebration.” Fortunately, such calls tend to be the exception. (That or your life is already so sad, you can’t afford a nice phone to begin with.)

At any rate, woe-be-it for us to be a wet blanket, rain on someone’s parade or be a pooper at anyone’s party — the latter usually occurring at about the eighth- or ninth-empty-glass-mark among less-experienced celebrants. We simply want to pass along a tip or two on drying out those alcohol-drenched devices at almost no cost and getting on about your business.

That’s right. According to the folks at Geek Squad, there is hope in the wake of such folly. In fact, they just delivered a “survival kit” to our office containing all sorts of stuff including a bag of uncooked rice and, more impressively, a large package of beef jerky — the expensive kind.

Probably more important, at least from a resurrect-the-Smartphone standpoint, was a chart. In fitting geek fashion, it featured a crew cut cartoon figure that reminded us of one of those vintage air raid warning posters. You know, the Cold War era kind that advised tucking one’s head between one’s knees in the event of nuclear attack.

Hmm. Not sure that bodes well. But, at any rate, here are the steps to dry out a cell phone:

1. Turn off the phone and remove the battery. Check.

2. Dry with a clean cloth. So far, so good. We were anxiously awaited word of what the jerky was for by this point. That and eating a couple of the smaller pieces.

3. Check to see if you have jerky or uncooked rice. Obviously, we do. But, we’re betting most people don’t have jerky, because they would have already eaten it. Then again, what do we know. We drop expensive phones in beer.

4. Either pour the uncooked rice in an air-tight container or take the silica pack out of the jerky package. Silica? OK, check.

5. Put the phone in the air-tight container with the rice or the silica. It’s either or? And what role does the jerky play? We were mildly disappointed. Face it. This would have been funnier if jerky had been found to have some mysterious techno-healing powers by the geek community.

6. Seal the container and leave it overnight. A night with no phone. Our idea of heaven.

7. Put the battery in the phone and turn it on.

Good luck. Not having to replace your device will mean friends and loved ones will have one less bit of embarrassing fallout from your latest debauchery to recount over and over again at all the worst possible moments.

And failure? Like they say, failure is not an option. Unless, of course it is. In that case, you at least get to eat the rest of the jerky while shopping for a new phone.