Life in the fast lane! I'm taking life one day at a time and doing my best to keep an attitude of gratitude for my (many) blessings! Life throws us unexpected curve balls and it's up to us to decide how to react to each one. We may need to adjust to a "new normal" on a regular basis!

Friday, December 31, 2010

Ron got to come home this afternoon. He has the constitution of a bull or something. He gets sick very quickly, but once he starts getting better he bounces right back. Tonight, you wouldn't think there had been anything out of the ordinary wrong with him.

He has a mild case of cirrhosis (from his mega list of medications) and the combination of the increased aluminum (from the kidney disease) and the ammonia (from the liver problems) made him pretty sick. Once they got those numbers down, he's much better.

Thanks for all the prayers and well-wishes! We're going to spend a quiet evening in front of the television and the computer. Ron's watching the TV and I'm on the computer - I'll join him in a bit. I treated us to dinner from Spangles (a KS-based hamburger joint; good junk!). I'm getting ready to put on my winter jammies and get a blanket. I'd turn on our gas fireplace but I don't know how to light the pilot (grin). I turned it off in the summer so I didn't burn excess gas with keeping the pilot light on - and I didn't have to work so hard to cool the living room because of the warmth of the fireplace. Tonight, I am wishing that I was a bit more mechanically inclined and knew how to light the darn thing. Oh well - it will pass and tomorrow I may not care.

Of course, I did have to throw in some very strong coffee and a hot shower. I talked to Ron a bit ago and he sounds good. Said his ammonia level is dropping (yay for the lactulose). He was mistaken when he thought it was aluminum in the blood... it was the ammonia. That makes perfect sense since he has liver disease.

Speaking of disease, I need to update my list. The hospital had more on their list than I do so I need to find out what I'm missing. I'd say the count was at least 20 things, not 14 or 15 like I previously thought.

Thanks for all the prayers, good thoughts, and well wishes. You just can't even begin to know how much I appreciate all of you and how you keep me uplifted. God's blessing to all of you in the coming year! You all deserve to be blessed greatly.

Ron and I watched "The Mercy Tour" last night while we were waiting for him to be moved to a room. It was very good. A lot of people give them bad press but they also do a lot of good for other people. I don't like their foul language when they are apprehending someone (especially with their prayers before and after), but when I'm in the thick of things my language isn't always what I'm proud of, either.

I would like to see Beth dress a bit less flashy but I think she would be a blast to go shopping with. LOL - maybe we could go together and she could get rid of some of my total "blah" when it comes to picking out clothes and I could help her pick tops that don't show quite as much of the girls. Hahahaha! I don't know how she walks in those shoes either but kudos to her for being able to.

Duane just cracks me up. I didn't realize he was as short as he is (even in his boots). I really think he must be a very nice man even though his choice of attire isn't something I much for. But, he does draw attention and if that's what he's shooting for - he's succeeding!

We DVR the episodes and watch them when we can't find anything else on TV that Ron wants to watch. We watch them while we're DVRing them, too. Ron doesn't remember most of the time that he's just seen the episode and it doesn't bother me to re-watch them.

Too bad they're not coming to our neck of the woods. I'd go get an autographed book for Ron. Not like he could read it, but he'd have it. Wouldn't that be fun?

It's 4:30 AM and we are in a room. Private... Compliments of possible Hep C. Thank you blood-borne disorders for providing us with a private room!

The ER doctor mentioned a condition called Hepatic Encephalopathy since his ammonia levels are so elevated (and higher today than they were yesterday). I can see where some of the symptoms are definitely things that could be things that Ron is exhibiting. Other things... not so sure. I wonder how his apparently healthy liver (as recently as February 2010) could become this diseased so quickly. They took a bucket of blood in the ER and his nurse just said they'll be in about 5:30 AM to draw more blood.

One of the treatment options for HE is a lactulose (cellulose laxative), which would (or could) increase the possibility of diarrhea. Not a good thing for a peg-legger to have. The signs and symptoms section of this Wiki article I found sounds remarkably like Ron..."The mildest form of hepatic encephalopathy is difficult to detect clinically, but may be demonstrated on neuropsychological testing. It is experienced as forgetfulness, mild confusion and irritability. More severe encephalopathy is characterised by an inverted sleep-wake pattern (sleeping by day, being awake at night), marked irritability, tremor, difficulties with coordination and trouble writing." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hepatic_encephalopathy) Ron definitely has some (most) of the mild symptoms and also the more severe. His wake/sleep pattern has been inverted for quite some time. The coordination, tremor, and writing difficulties could also be Parkinsons. Tough call.

I will be off work again today (lovely - 2nd day this week without pay) but since it's only 3 hours until I'm supposed to BE at work, I don't think I can make it.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I kept seeing those letters on the status of several of my Facebook contacts. I finally asked my sister what it meant and it very plainly means "F" my life. Hmmmm.... didn't think I'd really need it but I found myself using my own variation of the theme tonight. S-M-L... SCREW my life. hehehehe!

Back to the issue I hinted about in my earlier post. I may wander around getting there, but I will.

Ron went to see the hematologist on Monday and had blood drawn for his kidney doctor. Yesterday, he had additional blood drawn for the hematologist. Today, the nurse from his kidney doctor called and said that the aluminum level (in his blood) was over 70 (he told me two different numbers so not sure which one is correct - I will be calling them tomorrow) and the normal is less than 5.41. In order to be considered "toxic" it would have to be over 100, but I'm thinking in the 70s is pretty darn close. They will retest his blood in a month to see if it's still up above normal, and how high above normal.

Aluminum toxicity can cause a number of things, such as mental confusion, weakness, gastro-intestinal disturbances, etc. I have named these three because these seem to be what's increasing in Ron... He is much more confused (and denies the confusion), he's very weak, and he's had some serious gastro-intestinal issues lately. I bought disposable undergarments tonight.

He came over to me and held his right arm up in the air with a fist, and his left arm down about 18 inches with his palm open. He asked if this (the fist) was the end of my rope and that (the open palm) where I was. I said that was pretty close. He wanted to know if I'd given up on him. I haven't, but I said that I had nothing left to give - it wasn't a matter of giving up; there was nothing left.

There have been a lot of tears shed today - by him and by me. We both know that it's time for him to move on to someplace where he can get the care he needs. Today he ate the protein shake I made him this morning, 4 pieces of cheese, and 8 pieces of candy. When I talked to him (again) about eating FOOD he said that he wasn't hungry. This I know - he doesn't get hungry. I told him he had to eat at scheduled times and that we've discussed it before. He has no recollection of our previous discussions.

I don't really think he has aluminum toxicity since he's had these symptoms for quite a while. His aluminum levels last time they were tested were within normal limits or we would have heard about it before now. So, just not sure what is up with this.

I do know that I need to figure out what kind of attorney I need to contact to see about getting this ball rolling. Keith and I discussed moving him as quickly as possible and then me doing what needs to be done to get rid of the house. Paying for this out of our pocket means only one thing for us... Bankruptcy and foreclosure. Not pretty words, but I'm to the point where I realize they are going to happen. I will lose my car as well. Taking his income plus part of mine and putting it in assisted living means that I'll have less than $1300 per month for my entire living expenses. This amount will not include a vehicle payment.

Schowalter Villa Retirement Community is a not-for-profit, Christian-based community that has been owned and operated since 1961 by the Mennonite Board of Missions & Charities of Kansas, Inc. It is a Continuing Care Retirement Community that provides a full range of care from Independent Living to Assisted Living, Memory Care, and Complete Nursing Care. They also have income-based rent in one of the sections (Independent Living) that is subsidized by HUD.

The locations are:

Arbor Vista (the oldest buildings) and are “cottages” (duplexes) are near the assisted living and health care center. They have various sizes but the bathroom access is “difficult” at best.

Hickory Homes is the HUD subsidized one bedroom duplexes and one bedroom apartments. The bathroom access is better but the rooms are quite small.

Lakeside Village is the “high rise” in the neighborhood and offer 1 and 2 bedroom apartments that either overlooks the lake (for a higher price) or the parking lot. They are close to the Water’s Edge restaurant the wellness center.

Lake Vista is the newest addition and are duplexes and fourplexes with up to three bedrooms and 2-car garages. They have a variety of floor plans and special features.

I am not interested in Lakeside Village at all. Ron would not be able to let Maisey out to potty and he can’t take her for a walk. Plus, I’m just not “into” living in an apartment building.

Hickory Homes could be an option, but they are only 1 bedroom, no carport (which would be difficult to load and unload Ron in bad weather), and the rooms are very small. Our bed would fill the bedroom and block the closet. But, Ron could access the bathroom easier. Not so with the kitchen (small, galley-style). Plus, no W/D hookups at all. Would have to use the on-site laundry facilities for $2-3 per load.

Arbor Vista has the least expensive option available (I’ll share fees and prices later). They were built first so they are NOT ADA compliant. They also are not designed in any way to make them ADA compliant. They do have some nice features (beamed, vaulted ceiling, carport, patio, some storage, appliances, etc.)

Lake Vista is the best, but it’s also the most expensive. The rooms are bigger and they were built to be ADA compliant and totally wheelchair accessible. They vary in size from 1112 sq ft to 1600 sq ft. They also include many amenities such as all appliances, 2 or 3 car garages (not carport), plenty of storage, patio, ceiling fans, and they are very well laid-out.

Fees and Prices:

Arbor Vista: These are the only ones that offer a month-to-month option without an entrance fee or 12-months advance rental payment. But, this is only available on the one bedroom duplex. The 1br rents for $550 per month and does not have a maintenance fee. It’s strictly month-to-month. The problem is the size; it is about 700 square feet and we’d have to sell or store most of our stuff. The kitchen is pretty accessible and getting into the bedroom would be OK. The bathroom would be tricky (at best) and the tub nearly impossible. I could possibly get him in the door with the transfer wheelchair (forgot to check that out) but I don’t think he could do it by himself.

The 2br rents for $750 plus $439 maintenance fee. It would require a $3450 upfront payment (due at contract signing), but if and when we transferred to the “permanent” duplex, we would not have to re-pay it. It has 960 square feet. They usually require the 12 months of rent in advance but she said they may be able to waive that requirement since we’re shooting for moving to the other place. If you pay 12 months in advance, then you’d only pay the maintenance fee each month for the first 12 months and then go month-to-month after that (rent + maintenance fee).

Each section has four options for living there. Option A gives you a fixed 75% refund on your “up front” money when you move, Option B gives you 85% refund, less 5% annually (down to 50%), Option C gives you 90% refund, less 10% annually (with no downward limit), and Option D is strictly rent. Each option also involves a monthly “HOA” fee (they call service fee) and this is $439 per month. All but Option D also has an entrance fee of $3450 (2-3 bedrooms) or $2450 (1 bedroom). The up-front amount varies from a low of $35,950 (1-br duplex – Option D) to $97,950 (2-BR, 2BA – Option A).

Ron did think he could get into the bathroom with his leg and walker. Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m thinking we may need to get a bedside commode for him and I’ll just have to get over myself and take care of it. He’s having incontinence problems so it may be a moot point anyway if he needs to go into Depends. He can (hopefully) change them during the day if he has a problem. Not sure about that, either. If he has trouble standing long enough to remove soiled clothing, I don’t see him being able to stand long enough to remove a soiled undergarment.

Lake Vista: These are my favorite (of course) and the most accessible as far as Ron is concerned. They are beautiful, have fully equipped kitchens, and laundry area in the hallway (behind closet doors). The kitchen is accessible for Ron and the rooms are big enough for him to get around in. Major drawback… Have to pay 12 months’ rent in advance, plus the $3450 entrance fee. (If we paid that fee for Arbor Vista we would not have to re-pay it if we moved to Lake Vista.) They range in size from 1112 square feet in a 2-BR, 2BA fourplex to 1600 square feet in a 3BR duplex. Their options are the same as far as refund percentages. The amount of money needed to move in there would be $19,000 ($1350 * 12 + $3450). Last time I checked, I didn’t have that much money laying around here so that isn’t really a possibility (unless someone wins the lottery or Mega Millions and buys me into the place – or someone like Oprah or Ellen – hahaha – jumps in and takes care of it). The duplex is more accessible than the rooms in the fourplex (according to the marketing director). The up-front money for these go from a “low” of $107,950 (2 BR fourplex) to a high of $179,950 ( 3 BR duplex, sunroom, 2-car garage). As much as it would be nice to have a 3-BR with 2-car garage (which would be about the same square footage as what we have now), it’s not necessary. I’d just like the extra space for visitors and such. Plus, I don’t have the money to move in there anyway – in any way, shape, or form.

If I had to move him to assisted living, they have various room sizes and the cost is from $88 per day to $109 per day. They have a single room, a larger room, 2 rooms, and a 2 room suite. On top of that, add nursing care from $25 per day (level 1) to $53 per day (level 5). At the cheapest level, that is over $3,000 per month ($3390 on a 30-day month; less for February and more for 31-day months) that we would have to pay for. At that point, I would not be able to afford to live anywhere except a one-bedroom (if I was lucky and still had a job). (After today – which will be another post – that possibility is more of a probability, and soon…)

I was looking at getting him a hospital bed that would raise up and down but they are pricey and I’m not sure what I’d do with our King-size bed (I would then sleep on the sofa or an air mattress).

I honestly don’t know what to do. If I even think about it I start crying and can’t very well sit here bawling all day. Doesn’t look good for me.
Someone – please figure my life out for me and tell me what to do…..

I wasn't sure how I'd get my 3rd consecutive post in that referenced my friend on the other side of the pond, so I decded I'd dedicate an ENTIRE post to her.

Thisisme

Thisisme

Thisisme

Except, I'm not sure what to write, except she's got some darling grandchildren. She lives someplace I'd really like to visit. Her daughter lives somewhere else I'd like to visit (France). Her blog is always interesting and I'm very glad that I found her.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Until I discovered that Thisisme (2 of 3 consecutive references) had given me an award. That was terribly sweet of her. (I still need to pass on the Honest Scrap award to my recipients but I've been a bit remiss).

I tossed and turned most of the night. I am an emotional eater and this past month has blessed me with about 8 pounds of previously lost weight returning. That is not good. I really worked too hard to get rid of the "fluff" and I certainly don't need or want it back. So, back to the drawing board for me.

I found out yesterday that Ron's oldest son (who famously said on July 4th that "things would be different now" that he was divorced and that he'd be over more to see his dad) was at Ron's ex-wife's house with his three kids for Christmas. That's not so bad in of itself, but the ex-wife lives less than one mile from here - yes, LESS THAN one mile - and not only did Tim not come over to see his dad, he didn't even call him. In fact, Tim hasn't called his dad but one time (to return a call that Ron made to him) since his leg amputation on July 12 (he's never once called me to see how he did, how he was doing, or anything; his response when I sent him a text to say Ron was having emergency surgery was "OK" and nothing further from him). I am very angry at Tim and very hurt for Ron. Tim is cheating his children out of having any type of relationship with Ron and robbing them of memories they may be able to create. It's very sad and the rest of the family just makes excuses for him. "He can't stand to see Dad like this." "He's just bracing himself for when Dad is no longer with us." Pardon my language, but bullshit. BULLSHIT! I posted a note on Tim's Faceboook page. He's not online too much but I know that his friends will see it. I'm nearly 100% sure that it won't change things but at least I got it off my chest and if he deletes me then it will just show more of his true character.

Outside of "MY" children, only one of his other children called him for Christmas. His son, Aaron, called in the afternoon to wish him Merry Christmas and ask when would be good for him to come over. Since we had a full house (and I'd misplaced his Walmart gift card) we asked him to wait until last night. His daughter (who was also at her mom's house) sent him a text message. Really? That's all you could muster was a text message? I knew they weren't coming over until this Thursday (when Rex, Amy, and Isaiah would be here) but I figured she'd do more than a text message on Christmas Day. She does much more than her brother so for that, I am grateful and thankful. I love my step-children very much but I do get upset with them. I sometimes feel like I can't really say anything to them though, since I'm not their biological mother. But, I've been their "other mother" for over 26 years so I'm a bit more free with my words than maybe they think I should be.

He says it's what he deserves for being an absentee father (we got them when they wanted to come; never forced them to come visit if they didn't want to or if they had things to do with friends) but I say - again - BULLSHIT. He wasn't mean to them, he didn't beat them, he didn't ignore them on their birthdays or for other holidays. He deserves to be treated with love and respect and should not have to beg his children and grandchildren to come see him or to call him.

The prospect of moving does not excite me. Not because I have any emotional attachment to this house but we did invest his retirement money into it thinking it would be our 'retirement' home and we'd not have to move again. WRONG!!! It's the packing and the sorting that I'm dreading. If I could move Ron and the stuff that I know we'll use to a new place and have the time to sort and purge here, that would be better. But the thought of being forced to decide between this and that in a moment's notice - and try to work all day in addition to the other stuff - is wearing me down. During the day I can't face what I'm supposed to do and during the night I can't shut off my mind. Drugs and alcohol seem very enticing; they have the ability to numb the mind but it's only a short-term fix for a long-term problem. But, I can see why some people would choose to self-medicate with these items. It's just not the answer that they need.

I have several lots of items that I know I'll have to put into storage. The smaller place we're looking at will not be big enough for Ron to maneuver about in his Jazzy unless I put just the bare necessities there. That means the bed, his dresser, and his nightstand in the bedroom. His lift chair, the love seat, and my dresser (as a TV stand) in the living room. My table/chairs would go to Amy's house and I'd take hers (much smaller). The hutch/china cabinet would go into storage, as would the glass display cabinet and all of my crystal pretties that my kids have gotten me over the years. My books and scrapbooking supplies would go to storage. I'd keep out just enough to work on stuff at the kitchen table and put some at Amy's house for easy access. We have really pared down in the past couple of years but there is still more stuff than what we need. Kitchen stuff will just need to go to storage except for the microwave, a few dishes, and a few pots/pans. I'll need to keep out Ron's grill so he can fix his frozen pizzas. And, I'll definitely need to keep my coffee pot out. Gotta have the coffee!!!

I was blog-hopping through my most favoritest (if that's not a real word, too bad - it is now...) blogs and noticed the headline from Thisisme over at Southhamsdarling. Seems that she had gained two followers overnight and since I gained one (thank you to my newest follower {I've gained a couple recently so thank you to you all}), I decided I needed to go out of my usual routine and read her post next.

Imagine MY surprise when I finished reading it to find that SHE had passed Petey, the Pet Rock award, over to me. Wow! I was (and still am) quite blown away! She posted that I'm dealing with some challenges right now (so true, so true) and that I am coping the best that I can (again, so true). Some of my other blogger friends are also on her friend list and said I was deserving. Wow again!!!

I had a good laugh as I was reading the rules, which were written by a man (Bruce, at JADIP, justanotherdayinparadise.blogspot.com) and I'll repeat them here so my recipient knows what to do.

The rules...

You can only give it to one Blogger in Arms (BIA)

You must recognize the Blogger who gave it to you in at least 3 consecutive blog posts

You can take up to 3 weeks to pass on the award, but not more than 3 weeks

The recipient of the award must not have any more than 100 BIAs (followers

You must update the list of names of previous recipients with your own name before passing it on (see below)

You should give at least 3 reasons why you think your recipient deserves this award

You can choose to NOT accept this award, but (apparently) if you do, the Bruce will come after you

Let's try to stick to these rules please, as, after all, the whole point of the award is to get our blogs noticed and to gain new followers (friends).

The nice part about blog hopping is that you get to "meet" so many new friends who are also friends on other blogs that you might read. I know that I've met many of my online friends by finding them on other blogs. I have had my life enriched by everyone who has stopped by to visit and those of you who have stuck around for the long haul. I thank you - each and every one of you for being my friend.

Now, after much deliberation this morning, I think I must pass this award onto Skippy over at I Make Soap.
I could list the same reasons for choosing her that This used for choosing me, but I'll try to be original and come up with my own.

I thoroughly enjoy reading her blog and it's one of the ones I look for everyday to see if there's an update (not quite "original" but I did add to it... LOL!)

She writes from the heart

She faces the curve balls that life has thrown her with grace, dignity, and humor. Even when she's "down" she is never quite "out" and that is something that I greatly admire. Whenever I feel like whining and crying (which seems to be often these days), I try to remember that there are other people in this world who handle their challenges in a much more dignified way.

There you go, Skippy! I hope that your award will put a smile on your face today!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Further blood work should confirm what the doctor suspects (he thought Ron had Hep C two years ago when he saw him in July 2010) and unless it's "chronic" then we'll just play the waiting game and see. Ron did have an ultrasound of his liver in February, which was clear. So, it doesn't appear that he's sustained any liver damage (up to that point, at least). But, that has been almost a full year ago (hard to imagine that 2010 is nearly over).

I just don't know what to do any more. I think we're going to move into a retirement village. He's not certain he wants to do that (wants to stay closer to his doctors) but since I'm the person driving, it really isn't an issue for me. I want to be somewhere that I don't have to worry about the house maintenance, the yard, watering the lawn, snow/ice removal, etc. I don't know for sure; we'll have to lay out all the pros and cons of moving. I just know that I cannot continue on this path without relief. If not, then I don't have a clue about anything.

It's so nice that she thought my blog was worthy of receiving the award. I'm supposed to share five random things about myself and share the award with five other worthy bloggers. I am not sure what unknown five things I can come up with, but I'll give it a whirl.

1. I love Christmas. I've always enjoyed doing Christmas for my family and I plan all year how to make it special for them. I listen to them say stuff about what they like and wish they had - and then I try to make at least part of it happen. It gives me great joy.
2. I'm a day-dreamer. I deal with stress by dreaming about different ways out. Sometimes, it's a real person who helps me out, other times it's a way out that couldn't really happen if left up to me, and other times, it's just ... hard to explain. I don't want to sound like a dork, but sometimes I can't help but think maybe I'll win some contest that I've entered, or some other random (good) thing will come about and then things that I need help with will be taken care of.
3. My favorite color is pink. That is self-explanatory. You can never go wrong with pink.
4. I love to read. I can read upside down so if there is something typed or open on someone's desk, I can read it without even trying.
5. I'm a girly-girl. I can't stand to get dirty but I'm not "high maintenance" (I don't wear makeup except on the very rare, special occasion)

Five worthy bloggers... I know so many but I don't want to duplicate if they've already received it (especially recently from someone) so I will take a day or so to find them.

Monday, December 20, 2010

I used to think so. In fact, I believed that I had been the recipient of more than one. Now, I'm not so sure. I think that miracles still exist, but they're just reserved for very special people.

Miracles come in all shapes and sizes. Big. Small. Major. Minor.

Thing is, some people don't see the miracles that happen every single day around them. I can't say that I see everyday miracles. In fact, I'm one who often overlooks the everyday, ordinary, mundane pieces of life that are, in of themselves, miracles in their own right.

Does this sound contradictory? I don't think I mean for it to. Or, maybe I do... I'm not sure.

I'm not too sure about anything these days.

Except that real miracles are reserved for others.

Not me.

Not us.

Not today, not tomorrow, or even next week.

The sooner I wake up and get my head out of the clouds and out of the "wishing" for and "hoping" for and "praying" for realm and start facing reality the better off I'll be.

I guess. I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it.

Yay for me.

Our mortgage holder sent my 1/2 payment back. I'm not quite sure how to handle that except hold onto it and add the other 1/2 to it next week. That will make us still one month behind. They really don't act like they want to work with us on it so I'm not sure what our next step will be. Lovely, just lovely. Merry flippinchristmas to us.

I'll have a better attitude tomorrow. I promise. Today - I just am out of ideas. I'll sleep on it and have a better outlook tomorrow.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Faith came over today to try and finish up her Christmas present journals. We ended up doing 10 of them and I "made" her do most of the work after I showed her how to streamline her process. I'm quite proud of her efforts and how well she did. I showed her how she could pick the coordinating papers for all of them at once, then cut all of the papers. This saved her quite a bit of time. Then she glued on all of the outside covers and we picked out ribbon for the trim. After the ribbon was added, she glued on the inside covers and passed them on to me for the final touches... The "bling." She didn't think she could do the accents well enough so I picked most of the stuff, ran it by her for approval, and then glued it on. One of the butterflies got bumped out of line, but I think it's OK. Adds character. Right?

See what you think:

I think her friends will be quite pleased. I had to laugh, though... She said she liked them so much that she almost couldn't bear to part with them. She now has about 15 of them made so I'm sure she'll be able to keep one or two for herself.

That’s the number of health conditions that Ron has (that I can count). It doesn’t include the potential “newest” conditions. His blood work indicates he has a problem with either his bone marrow or his liver. Waiting on a referral to a hematologist to find out which one has the problem, and how they’re going to address it.

I may actually be forgetting something, but here is the list off the top of my head:

I could also include the fact that he’s got right median and ulnar nerve problems but because he’s already got many other problems, a decompression surgery would probably not help him. He's also having hearing issues so we'll be seeing someone for that (updated 2/15/11).

All told, he has a pretty good attitude - much better than mine sometimes.

I am going to find good things this weekend! Our granddaughter is coming over to work on her journals and cards. That will be nice. Amy, Isaiah, and I are going to go visit my mom on Wednesday. That will be nice. My sister, her daughter, and grandsons may come to our house for Christmas dinner. That will be nice. I will ship the last of my packages (and one of Amy's) today. That will be nice. I will buy the last of my Christmas gifts this weekend. That will be nice.

I will get my Christmas cards done this weekend. That, for sure, will be nice! Mailed and/or delivered on Monday. That will be nice!

I get to take my last two days of PTO on 12/22 and 12/27. That will be REALLY nice!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

And, it can't be a moment too soon. Ron's feeling very bad and says he thinks he's retaining water. That's never a good sign.

I came home tonight to discover that he'd had an "accident" and had clothes in the sink for me to wash. Sanitize is more like it. He tries, I know he does - but there are still a few things that I really have trouble with. That is one of them. {sigh} He had to call his other son and get him out of bed (this afternoon) to come over and help him get a shower. You know it was bad if he attempted a shower on his own.

He asked me today what kind of "place" are those assisted living places. I think he knows that he's close to needing one. He wants me to get Glucerna and just leave it by his chair so he can have shakes during the day while I am at work. Fixing himself something - anything - has become more of a chore than he thinks he can handle. He's got a microwave within reach and a George Foreman grill within reach, but he said he is having trouble even opening the cardboard boxes that frozen items are in and the things I leave for him to heat up are just as hard to get out of the containers.

I really wish that there was something else I could do for him but at this point, I really think I'm just burned out. I feel myself shutting down when he says how bad he feels and I think it's because I know that I can't do anything about it and I just shut it out of my mind.

That's how I've done a lot of things these past few months. I don't want to whine about finances, but finances are BAD BAD BAD. We are behind one full house payment and I've only paid 1/2 of December's payment. There has just been too much going on and it has snowballed and compounded to right now. If it was just me I wouldn't care one bit about starting over. I don't want to, but I could do it. If I had a bed, TV, computer, and a place to work on my cards and stuff I'd be fine. But, I've got to think of Ron and his needs. I have to have a place that is wheelchair accessible. I have to have a place where he can get to the toilet. I have no choice. Renting a place like that is hard to do. If I have to move us, I will. I'd rather not do it in the dead of winter but if I have to, that's what I'll do.

I just keep tossing things back and forth and can't come up with any good answers. I know that God has a plan for us and I have to keep searching for it. I say this out loud to convince myself almost as much as to convince those around me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Rex and Amy came down last night (we're about an hour away) to fix Ron's toilet. It's such a blessing to have a son-in-law who not only CAN do work like that, but is also willing to do it. Even working with a "clean" toilet, you still have some one else's toilet that you're sticking your hands into. Yuck...

Ron put his leg on yesterday and left it on for about 4 hours. He walked in the house quite a bit with his walker, which was really great. His left knee is the main problem, even though the fake leg still rubs a bit it's much more comfortable than his other knee. He's got the leg on again today but he's had to take several pain pills already this morning. That's really not good but it's the only way he can function.

We got his blood work yesterday (he sees the kidney specialist on Thursday) and most of the key things are out of the normal range. His white blood count, red blood count, platelets, and hematocrit are all lower than normal. His vitamin D is good (first time in several rounds of blood work). His creatinin is barely within normal, but his potassium is a bit high. His BUN/creatinin ratio is too high. Not sure what all of this means in the grand scheme of things or what Dr. Moussa will say, but we'll see.

I'm trying to just stay even and not get too excited over his use of the leg or too worried about the blood work results. He can change so quickly and go from bad to worse in just a manner of hours. So we just have to see how things progress and take it a day at a time.

It's so great to have a place where I can come and unload and not be worried that I'm going to stress someone else out or make someone uncomfortable with what I say. I have to keep a smile on my face where the world can see and where my co-workers can see, so it's nice to be able to express my fears and my concerns here. Even if you all think I'm batty, none of you have ever made me feel like I shouldn't say what I say. That's big. And, I appreciate it.

I wish you all the best of wishes as we head into the holiday season and into the new year. Best of health and the best of what life has to offer. May you all prosper in health and wealth. God bless you all.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I found out about blogger from a co-worker, who just happens to be the father of an adorable set of triplet girls. You can read all about them here. I suggest going back to his early posts in 2007 to read about his girls. They will be 4 in February and they have overcome many, many challenges. The smallest of the three, Lily, weighed in at 1 pound 1 ounce; the other two weighed in at 2 pounds 9 ounces each.

I started my blog on January 14, 2008. I don't remember exactly what I thought I was going to do with it, but it quickly became a place to write about Ron's health and my growing frustration and inability to cope with things. I think I included stuff about Isaiah on my main blog until December 1, 2008 when I switched all of his stuff over to his own blog. The place to start with Isaiah's blog though is the December 1st posting entitled Isaiah's "I's" (eyes). When I copied the stuff over to the new blog, the order it posted wasn't actually the order that I'd written the topics in on the original blog.

About the time I created Isaiah's blog, I decided to add another blog to my stuff to post my cards and paper crafts on. I didn't want to clog up the main blog with "stuff" that wasn't pertinent to anything except paper. I don't like the blogger name but I don't want to change it either, so I just changed the title of it.

I have two other blogs - one is totally private between me and God and the other one is my weight-loss (or attempts thereof) blog. I haven't update the weight-loss blog in about 2 months. I also don't have anything to say there. LOL - I haven't lost any more weight unless you count the same 5-7 pounds I've lost and regained for the last 12 months or so.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The toilet (the only one Ron can get to) has been knocked off of it's ring by some old dude who can't seem to drive his wheelchair straight. Oh, that would be Ron. I know that he doesn't mean to run into things and that it's the tremors that sometimes hit the joystick at the wrong time. He even keeps the speed turned down pretty far so he'll have less chance of doing damage. But, I have doors without trim (now), a refrigerator with dents, cabinets missing chunks, etc. - all because of Parkinson's tremors. It's not like he can get up and walk so we do what we can.

This morning, he told me that the toilet was leaking out under the base. Oh yeah, that's how I wanted to start my morning. I don't have the money (really) to hire a plumber so I've been reduced to begging my poor son-in-law to help us out. He's got a fence he's trying to get put in at their house before it gets too cold to do it, but something about Ron not being able to get into a bathroom has him willing to put his needs on hold to take care of ours. What a blessing he is to our family! My brother who lives in Topeka is a plumber, but his wife told me that he's just too busy to come down and help. I would have paid him but it's not happening.

Keith says I've been angry this week. I think he's right. The PTO issue at work has more than one person (not counting me) upset. It's felt that the balance of "who" gets off at the holiday has been unfairly leveraged in one direction and others are being told to not count on the days off because there is work to be done. If there's work to be done, it really should be spread out among everyone and not look like one person doesn't have to participate. I'm trying to not let it bother me, especially since Christmas will be spent at home without family members but I'd still like to take the time off. We can't carry our unused time forward to the next year so it's either a "use it or lose it" situation for many. The sad part is if management won't let it be used.

I've been angry, too over Ron's situation. His left knee is beyond painful and he is having trouble even transferring. I tried to help in in the bed the other night and all I did was hurt my back. He is too heavy for me to manhandle around. He said he wants to have aggressive treatment done to his knee but I think that will just make things worse. Then, he said he'd just go ahead and have it amputated too. I said that would really make my life so much easier and guarantee that he'd never walk again. I said if he didn't figure out something that he was going to end up in a nursing home. He said, "Don't say stuff like that to me." I said that I wasn't trying to be mean about it, but I just couldn't do this much longer. He's getting weaker and less able to do things for himself and I'm not getting any younger. I have people my age retiring or planning their retirement. I'll be working until one of us is hauled away in a box.

He doesn't sleep well at night, so I don't either. Difference is, he can take a nap during the day if he's really tired or feeling bad. I don't think my management would think too highly of me taking a nap during the day. There are definitely days when I miss having a spare bed in a spare bedroom where I could retreat to if I needed to sleep. He can't get up in the night without a light. Just to go to the bathroom and get back to bed is at minimum 15 minutes and sometimes up to 30 minutes. Try that a couple of times a night and you're not very nice the next day.

Ron said I've acted like I think all of this is his fault. {sigh} I don't, but I do know that at least part of his physical problems are a direct result of what he did five, ten, and twenty years ago. All the years when I tried to help him with his diet and have him eat what was good for him. That would work for a while at home but then he'd order large pizzas at work, or eat 2-3 Butterfingers, or stop for food at McDonald's and then come home and eat a meal, too. The other day we came home and he'd eaten an entire container of Cool Whip - straight from the freezer. When I expressed my dismay, he said it wasn't full. It was only missing two tablespoons! He said, "Well, you didn't get me any cookies so I ate that." I didn't get him cookies because he opens the bag and eats the whole bag. They're $3.00 per bag. I don't spend $3.00 a day on me at work (I rarely have a week where I spend any money at all) so I didn't really feel like we could afford 4-5 bags of cookies that he'd have eaten in a week or less. Keith went to the store for me and he got him Quakers rice cakes in a variety of flavors. Ron's not interested in those.

So, tonight I get home from work to discover that he's had two cans of fruit - all day - and two bags of the rice cakes. I get so frustrated with what he doesn't do as much as with what he does do. I don't know how to fix the problems if I'm the only one putting out the effort. He's in bed now (8:14 PM) because he's tired. I still have trash to take out, a kitchen to clean up, and laundry that I should take care of.

But, instead I'm going to look at a sketch book and plan some cards and journals. This, too shall pass.

I saw a card on another blog that I really, really wanted to make. I didn't have the same cartridge that was used in the inspiration card, but I made some adjustments and came up with my own version of it. She used carolers in her scene and I switched to snowmen.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Today was busier than I had originally planned. Got up, took the dog for her monthly beauty appointment, took Keith to work, went to the car dealership to pick up my garage door opener (that I left in the loaner), went to a scrapbook store to get a few items I needed for some orders (and ended up making a totally cute "ornament" make-and-take), headed back to work to leave Keith my car and stayed to watch Isaiah at our Toys for Tots "carnival" (to raise money for the local chapter). Then, I left with Amy and Isaiah and went to lunch (she bought - Chipotle's), Toys r Us so Isaiah could show us "exactly" what he wanted for Christmas, and then the mall so she could pick up her wedding ring that she's sent off for repairs and to pick up some items from Bath and Body Works that she had a coupon for. Next, we went to Kohl's because someone had outgrown his winter coat. We ran into Faith, our 15 year old granddaughter, and her mom. She wanted to come over tonight to work on her journals for her friends' Christmas presents, so I said to come on over. Isaiah wanted to spend the night anyway so I probably wasn't going to get much done for my stuff.

So, instead of working on my Christmas cards tonight, I helped Faith and one of her friends make journals and cards for friends. I was really pleased with how well they came out. They picked the papers and I did most of the gluing. My Scotch tape runner was being very difficult. I didn't get any pictures of the cards but here are the journals "they" made:

Friday, December 3, 2010

Insurance approved five days, and that's what he got. He did manage to wear his leg for parts of the day and actually walked with it. But the walking caused his LEFT leg to give him more problems so even standing now to transfer hurts worse than it did before he went in.

So much for the five weekly injections he got over the last six weeks. Yay...

I asked him what hurt the worst - his right leg where the prosthesis rubs or his left knee. He said both. That just really makes it hard for him to even move from his chair to the bed or anywhere else. But I do think that he's more open to trying to maintain his upper body strength.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I've been absent for a few days - not because I didn't have anything to say (go figure there) but just because I've been busy going to the rehab center and working odd hours since Keith is still sans vehicle. My vehicle was in the shop two days and that didn't help.

The "Big Guy" has had a few subtle - and a few not-so-subtle - messages for me the past few days. I've tried to jot them all down but I may have missed a few.

First thing I noticed was a post on FB by my son-in-law's sister-in-law (that's a mouthful!). She has an application called "God wants you to know..." and the message from the other day sounded like it was directed to me. It said "On this day, God wants you to know that there are no accidents. What you think of as accidents are simply your conversations with God that you haven't yet been able to understand. But take heart, all happens in God's will and every conversation has deep meaning for you."

The next message I saw was this Bible verse from another friend: For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:13

Next, this statement from yet another friend's page: God's hands are full of goodness, His heart is full of grace, His arms, outstretched with mercy, as I kneel to seek his face. His wonders, never ceasing, His love is ever true, how thankful to be his child, each day, He forgives anew.

Finally, another friend (who frequently sends out the results of her Bible study) sent this to a bunch of us:

Got somethin to share with ya'll...somethin my pastor was preachin about yesterday, and it kinda hit me. It was about "Coveting". Now, I've known this word 'covet' all my life. It was just kinda one of them pretty little words that didn't really mean much to me cuz I don't covet stuff, so I'll just not pay attention to that one. Hmm.....really?? Think it don't apply to you neither? Read on. "Covet" won't sound so pretty after you read this. Oh and, by the way, have you ever noticed a correlation between coveting, jealousy, and greed? Yeah. Me neither, til now. Okay, so here's how the message went thru my brain:

Have you noticed how we're always wantin more? On a personal note, I like to watch the HGTV channel, that show called House Hunters. I love that show!! Along comes a couple lookin for a home. The realtor shows them 3 choices. But what I've noticed is these GORGEOUS homes that are just amazingly perfect. And almost immediately the couple starts nit-pickin it...."I don't like that counter top. I want granite, not formica." "Clearly, the stove and fridge need updating, cuz these are outdated." And so on and so on. On and on it goes, on how this or that needs updating. And the whole time I'm thinkin "I'll take it and you won't hear a peep outta me! It's gorgeous! Why, that stove can't be but 6 months old!! Why update stuff that's still functional and gorgeous? If it was wiring or plumbing, yeah! But these things??? Puh-lease!"

So....Pastor's message was about why do we always gotta have whatever's new or updated or 'better' or whatever? Why is it we're never satisfied with what we have? Well, Proverbs 21:26 says: 'All day long he craves for more, but the righteous give without sparing.' Ouch! That one kinda hurt, didn't it? Well, if that one stings just a bit, let me add 1 Timothy 6:6-9---"(6) But godliness with contentment is great gain. (7) For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. (8) But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. (9) Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction." Now, that's what I call an "ouch, hallelujah". tee hee

Imagine, if you will, 3 men standin together: Their names are Jake, Kyle, and Mike. Let's say Jake is about 6'7" and Kyle is almost the same, maybe a bit smaller but not much. And they both are broad in the shoulders, like linebackers, seriously HUGE guys. And Mike...well, he's about 5'7" and weighs in at about 180 or so. Now, picture Jake and Kyle (the 2 really huge guys) standin, facing each other. And little ol' Mike, well, he's standin behind the biggest guy, Jake. Jake's so big that you can't even see Mike! You don't even know he's there! Kyle knows he's there and he's tryin to reach for him but he can't get around Jake. Got that mental pic in your head?? Ok.

Now, here comes the question(s)---How many of you have a "Jake" between you and God? What are you puttin between you and God, to where He can't reach you? Are you wantin more 'stuff' instead of more God? Are you more interested in gettin more money and leavin God along the roadside? And if you're prayin and not hearin back from God, could it be you've got a "Jake" stoppin the communication flow? What are you doin to block God? To disgust Him? Think about it.

And here's the answer---Psalms 84:11--"For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." If you let God have it all and quit worryin about your 'stuff' or money, then you can have it all and then some! If you'd quit puttin your 'stuff' before God, and start makin HIM your focal point, you'd be alot further down the road. What...you think it's a scam and/or He won't deliver? *AHEM!!!* Stick with the group here, honey. Re-read that last verse in Psalms. Note the part "...NO GOOD THING DOES HE WITHHOLD..." Focus on HIM. Just Him. Nothin else. And when you do that, next thing ya know, you'll look around and your life will be sooooooooo amazingly awesome and filled with good things, that you'll wanna kick yourself for not seein it before!

I also have the God wants you to know app on my FB and yesterday, I got this message: "On this day of your life, Teresa, we believe God wants you to know... that all is well. All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

So, even though it may appear that I have been less than grateful for things, I'm really not. I was just focusing more on the negatives than on the positives. I'm sure there are those who have judged (can't think of a good word here - don't mean "judge" badly) my actions and writing harshly. That's OK - I've been pretty harsh with myself, too. There is so much more behind what I've written that I haven't posted - to do so would leave some jaws dropped wide open and leave others still in a state of shock. There are some things that are better left unsaid. Forgive and move on - right? Right!

I have experienced extreme situations in my life, so I truly know what it is to do without. I know what it's like to...

Go to bed hungry.

Put my children to bed hungry. (that was a painful one)

Not spend $0.25 on coffee on Monday because I might need bread on Friday.

Wear my hosiery with a dress until I got a "run" and then wear them with pants until there was nothing left of them.

Eat one meal every other day so my children would have food.

Not be able to (truly) buy a thing for my children for their birthdays or for Christmas (without the generosity of others). This included food on more than one occasion.

Be ostracized at work because I couldn't go out to eat for lunch every day, didn't wear nice clothes, and didn't have anything "interesting" to talk about except my children - and they really didn't want to hear about my children (this was actually told to me by a co-worker at Waddell & Reed when I worked there as an accounting assistant in 1983).

Not have a reliable vehicle and to scrape the inside of the window in the winter because the defroster didn't work well (and that was on a good day) - and in the summer, to not have air conditioning.

Not be able to ever take my kids to places like the movies or to McDonald's so they'd have some form of entertainment.

To live in low-income housing.

So, when I write things that seem to be selfishly motivated - it's not that I'm being totally "selfish" but I am forgetting to be FIRST thankful for what I have and for what I have come through. I fail with that (obviously; you all have read some of my failures) but I do try very hard to think of others first and to put their needs before my own. Even during the whole time I was going through the things that I did (before I met/married Ron), I didn't complain about "my" situation as much as the situation my children were in.

I'm working on getting dug out from the hole I'm in. There are a lot of details and things going on but I'll get there. I did stay totally within my budget for Christmas shopping and even managed to pick up an item for Keith that I know he needs (nothing frivolous - Keith forget your read this part) and I have something that I'm getting for Amy that I know she can use and it's less than $20. I bought Ron three shirts at 60% off (he didn't have long-sleeved shirts for the winter) and bought him the first season of The Sopranos on DVD off eBay. I needed some shower gel and since Bath & Body Works had a "buy 3; get 3 free" I was able to get a shower gel for each of the three teenage granddaughters. It's not much, but it shows them that I am thinking of them. I'm making each of them a covered journal, too. Bath & Body Works also had a special purchase item, so I bought it and have divided it up among my daughter-in-law, son, and the lotion from it for me (I needed lotion). We have a teenage grandson (who may get the "manly" scent shower gel from the special purchase item) and a 9 year old grandson who may get a $10 gift card. For my other step-children - I'm not sure what I'll do. One is married, one is divorced, and one still lives with his mother. We never see the divorced one (or his 9 year old son) so it's really hard to figure out something.

In all, it will be a good Christmas no matter what happens. Ron and I will be spending it alone and I have accepted that is how it will be. I don't have to like it - but I can live with it. I am still upset that I can't go see Shaun, Jenny, and the kids but I will get over it. It will just make me appreciate seeing them that much more when I'm able to. It's hard, especially since I know that I "could" have gone if... Can't dwell on that even though it is one area that I'm having a really hard time forgiving someone for.

God Bless you all. I thank you for your friendship and for your prayers!