It’s our favorite time of the year—that’s aside from Christmas and the FHM 100 Sexiest Victory Party; okay, it’s our THIRD favorite time of the year! But who’s counting, right? What’s more important is it’s now February. The love month. The okay-lang-magwaldas-para-sa-date month. The only month men are allowed to be ultra-cheesy.

But do you have any idea HOW to be cheesy? Are you and your girlfriend/missus constantly bickering about your lack of romance? Do you attribute your singlehood to your lack of wooing skills? Well, we’re going to solve these all for you! FHM will be dishing out daily how-to-be-a-Don-Romantiko tips the whole month of February!

DAY 18: “I’m Fine” Means “I Hate Your Face,” and Other Things You Should Know By Now (But Probably Don’t)

A sad, sad truth: Very few men are gifted with the natural ability to deal with the frustrating, flabbergasting roller coaster of women’s emotional needs. No matter how hard you try, there is a 99.5-percent chance that you will be called insensitive or inconsiderate on a monthly (or if you’re really unlucky, weekly) basis, and that she will rally her girl friends on Viber to rant about your caveman-level maturity more often than you think you deserve.

You don’t get it—you listen to her daily rants about her annoying co-worker (“Ugh! Her kitten heels are so kakairita!”), compliment her new hair color (“Nice! Is that a new shade of…auburn?”), trim your nose hair on a regular basis, ignore the hot crazy ex who still flirts with you online, and suck it up and cuddle even when all you want to do is roll over and start snoring. You’re a nice guy, you really are.

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So what’s the problem?

'Pinagsasabi mo?'

Here’s a secret: that thing you’re convinced you’re doing absolutely right? Stop it, because you’re doing it utterly wrong. When it comes to landing a permanent spot on your lady’s good side (or at least escaping her fiery wrath), it’s important to note that what seems like the proper thing to do is almost always the opposite. Women are such cuckoo, err, complicated creatures that keeping them happy is actually a counterintuitive process—so forget everything your gut tells you and try not to rip your hair out while going through this list.

Good luck, bro. Stay strong.

1. The silent treatment doesn’t mean she needs space

'Are you still breathing, babe?'

You know it all too well, the Tampo Trifecta of arms crossed tightly over chest, head turned away as if the sight of you will turn her to stone, and strategic irap out the window. But just because she’s ignoring you and pretending you don’t exist doesn’t give you permission to ignore her back.

2) Reach for her hand. This will not be easy, given that it is wedged securely in her kili-kili.

3) Repeat steps one and two within ten-minute intervals until successful

2. “Go ahead” is a threat

'Just go ahead and go out. And, oh, bagong manicure ako'

So you want to reschedule your anniversary dinner—which she planned months in advance—for an impromptu boys’ night out. With a sheepish smile and your best pa­-cute face, you approach her and ask if this is okay. Lo and behold, a miracle: she nods and says, “Go ahead.” You did it! Woohoo! You lucky bastard! You’re in the clear… NOT.

Calm down and pay attention to the fact that she’s gritting her teeth and her eyes are bulging with all the disappointment her scorned heart holds for your poor clueless self. You don’t want to push through with this, mister, trust us.