Wednesday, 24 November 2010

In a news item more explosive than a North Korean mortar, we can reveal that Moneybookers, the really quite good poker deposit option available outside of the US have not actually announced they are to rebrand as ‘Krill’.

Krill, the small shrimp-like crustaceans, are not an obvious name for a eWallet – so we sent the Melted Felt mole to find out more… It turned out that when an analysis was done comparing the amount of money deposited into online poker sites with the amount withdrawn, the staff at MB began to think that Fish – the traditional name for a sh1t poker player – really were actually their core market. The problem was that, well, when you looked at the numbers, ‘Fish’ was actually a little on the kind side…

Going a little further down the food chain, they discovered that there were no fun-sounding synonyms for Plankton. With Krill sitting nicely between the two, and not wishing to offend too many of the aquatic variety of fish by associating them with such terrible poker players – MB settled on Krill for their new name.

Of course, here at Melted Felt we like to go one step further – and so have come up with some great rebranding suggestions for other electronic wallet systems;

Paypal could now become ‘Dr Daniel Obaseki, Senior Official, Ministry Of Finance, Nigeria’ while we do acknowledge that www.drdanielobasekiseniorofficialministryoffinancenigeria.com is a little on the long side… it does fit nicely with the apparent ease of making all those fvcking payment reversals… alegedly!

Neteller, could now become ‘DogsA$$hole’, we thought that one fits as the tail-up scampering away view of a canine is actually the most common perspective… and one that fits nicely with the view that US users had when their poker bankrolls were frozen and Neteller went trotting off across the Atlantic…

eWalletXpress… Until recently a great choice for poker depositors… well, there is only one suggestion here right? They should change their name to FedWalletXpress (how about FedEx for short?) as quickly as possible

Monday, 22 November 2010

It’s Monday, It’s quick, It’s fire… no, hang on a minute, well it is definitely Monday… good enough? Anyway, with poker news under such huge pressure it is streaming out of our orifices… we bring you news of an auction, an aborted share sale and news that you can now play Rush Poker while having a sh1t,

First up, news that the ever-entertaining Tony G is determined to win Peter Eastgate’s WSOP winning bracelet – which has been put up for auction on eBay – and make it into a dog collar for Phil Hellmuth, no, sorry, I mean't his dog 'Zasko'. With 100% of the profits going to charity which does something vaguely good to do with children, the story definitely has the ahhhhh factor. Tony G may or may not be looking for more items for Zasko when this auction concludes – our money is on Chris Ferguson’s cowboy boots, Brunson’s false teeth and, erm, Daniel Negreanu.

Next to the world of big business, where the IPO of Hurrah’s has been withdrawn. A spokesman for the deal cited that the withdrawal was 100% for reasons other than the fact that nobody whatsoever wanted to buy it. There were apparently many of these reasons, including complicated economics and stuff which they could demonstrate using colorful graphs if we really want, and that they were really really sorry to disappoint all those masses of people who were just itching to buy...

Rush Poker is already responsible for decimating the bankrolls of many formerly profitable grinders. One big problem with the game was that players needed to stop when they needed to take a ‘number 2’… the great news – the invention of Rush Mobile means you can now continue to generate rake for Howard while ‘sitting on the throne’...how things have moved on since the days of retiring with a newspaper!

Friday, 19 November 2010

Now then now then, dear Melted Felt readers, Washington State seem to have elected politicians whose idea of power is to micro-manage away personal freedoms – especially when it comes to easy vote winning ‘moral hazards’ like gambling on the internet. One in particular Margarita Prentice has suggested on TV that the internet grinders whose livelihood she recently took away should ‘Go Pump Gas’.

Here at Melted Felt we like to rise above all the negativity, instead giving you – our valued readers – some practical assistance. You see, pumping gas is actually not that bad compared to grinding, you get to meet other Human beings, the work is a lot more varied than you are used to – and there are real prospects it turning into a blossoming career as a cashier or maybe car-wash operators.

Poker Players Gas Pumping Guide – Multi-Pumping

Of course, it makes sense to start with a single pump while you learn the basic principles of position, tank sizing, and dribble-equity. However, before long you will be bored and want to add more pumps. Starting with just two should be easy enough, though once you get to 4 or 6 pumping you will need to find a way of tracking the stats in a heads-up-pump display. Here we strongly advise not to mix standard, super-unleaded and diesel at the same time - especially when you will face many different levels of driving.

Now, you will want to move up levels to increase your earn-rate as you go along. Most gas pumping pros start out with the standard gas to gain some experience. The argument that you need to move quickly up to Super – where people respect your pumping – is just nonsense. If you can not make a great living with standard then you will be crushed by the higher-performance models. While we all love the extra skill involved in pumping deep-tanked, you will have to get used to a forecourt of many different tank depths and adjust your play accordingly, making a big all-in move on a scooter will usually end messily.

As a break-even gas pumper you will of course need rakeback in order to buy your meager supply of ramen noodles while your luck ‘evens out’. This is where the tougher decisions start – do you focus on single-pumping, where the individual tips will be bigger… or multi-pump, hoping that a small tip from each customer will be balanced by the larger number of tips overall?

Its a tough call, dear Melted Felt pumpers, and maybe you should call up Margarita Prentice’s office and ask for her advice…

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Hohoho, dear Melted Felt readers, and not from the land of the jolly green giant either - as we bring you some shocking news of poker sites signing gardening accessories.

It all started when Ultimate Bet’s valiant effort to hire a more physically attractive team of pros (not that hard, you might think!), by bringing the lovely Maria Ho onto their books, ah Maria… Maria, Maria, Maria...

*Ahem* Anyway, the problem is that the spy employed by rival networks was driving through a tunnel when he broke the news to his bosses. This lead to a little bit of a mix-up in which online poker sites believed that their enemies were entering the garden implement area, triggering a chain reaction of potting-shed sized proportions.

Bwin immediately responded by immediately signing a rake, 2 snow shovels and a heavy-duty pair of pruning sheers to their team, ordering a press release to show off their new found gardening glory, and giving both fractional and decimal odds that no-one would beat them.

Party Poker read about this and were not amused, here they were being legal, wholesome, fluffy and family friendly [you are sure about the fluffy, right? ed] – and their $300 million bung to the Feds did not entitle them to so much as a floral window box with miniature watering can. Going one better, Party immediately offered an electrical hedge trimmer in a prize draw for all depositors in the next few days, provided they were prepared to fight through a field or 12,000 Russians with no fold buttons to win it.

Cake Poker reiterated their ‘no tools’ policy, planting seeds by making holes in the ground with their fingers only, then personally sh1tting on them instead of using chemical fertilizer.

Of course the topiary themed inducements to deposit did not escape the notice of Howard Lederer… whose personal assistant clambered over several gigantic piles of lovely money to bring him the outdoor-themed news. Within minutes a software upgrade was on the servers and satellites were running to the RTOPS, a championship series in which the winner of every tournament received their own rotorvator, sit-in-lawnmower or front-n-back yard matching set of sonic mole repellants.

We would love to tell you that this was the end of the matter, dear Melted Felt readers, that things settled down from here. Bulbs and seed packages were added to frequent player point stores, training videos on effective weeding were added to Cardrunners, forum wars started on the effective methods of creating shrubberies - and they all lived happily ever after… alas no.

Pokerstars have just announced their Combine-harvester freeroll series, complete with televised final table, qualifiers and, well, a big fvck-off expensive combine-harvester for the winner.

Monday, 15 November 2010

Fish might not be the first thing you think of on a Monday morning, dear Melted Felt readers, in fact it may not even be the 3rd thing. For a change even more tangy than a pickled herring, we bring you a completely fish-themed update of poker news, in today’s Quick-fire Monday

For many years the poker waters of the British Isles were considered dangerous, lurking beneath the shimmering surface was none other than the Devilfish – a poker creature even more frightening than the bubbles and red-paint-in-water effects of 80’s piranha films. It all came as a bit of a shock to find out that the poker site of the same name turned out to be a minnow… you know, a little too big for bait, and not quite big enough to bother to keep. A purchaser ummed, ahhhed and eventually bought the site for a few bucks – a case of the one that got away?

Adding to the fishy misery, haddock-munching residents of Washington State are reeling from another lead-weighted disaster, as the wide net of the law forces Full Tilt Poker to stop accepting bait from WA players. Scholes of break-even rakeback grinders are now facing a dilemma worthy of Nietszche – to take the shame and play on Cereus, or queue for jobs at the local cannery??

Well, I was hoping for a 3rd fish-themed poker news item this morning, and with the exception of a few g-list celebs signing for H-list poker sites it all seems too early in the week for the news to have broken… hang on in there dear Melted Felt readers, I have a feeling in my water that this will be a busy few days!

Thursday, 11 November 2010

As yet another dull, young poker pro scoops the big prize in the World Series of Poker Main Event we duly take note – dear Melted Felt readers, that this one is in fact a Canadian.

With nation after nation sending their early 20’s bedroom locked online pro grinders to the games, it was only a matter of time before a we saw a string of personality-challenged ambassadors for maximizing your ev over 16 tables 12 hours a day win the biggest pot of cash in the poker game.

What is different this time is that this is the first time in the whole of history that Canada – a cold and barren annex of the USA – has won anything at all which is not directly related to ice hockey.

Celebrating the win wearing, erm, Hockey shirts, the fans of Jonathan Duhamel were probably not even aware of the harsh disqualification of the last international contest winner from Canada - Fanny McDermot.

In 1903 Fanny won an international knitting competition, coming up with an absolutely lovely scarf using a smashing maple-leaf design. As the entire nation went to celebrate (wearing Hockey shirts of course), Fanny was found to have knitted two and pearled one – which was strictly against the rules of the competition, and thus was disqualified… starting Canada’s 107 year-long run of winning nothing at all what-so-ever.

Canada – which only started as a country only after so many US travelers claimed to be from there that someone took the initiative and actually went and created it – has reportedly going wild all week. We have it on good authority that certain revelers in Toronto were considering drinking a 3rd beer in the same night (steady now), while in Montreal the traditional meal of fried penguin was being washed down with white wine and soda diluted well above the normal 25 parts to 1 and plans were being made to stay up past the nationally designated bed-time of 10:15pm.

Flush with their success, Canada is apparently planning audacious attempts at new international competitions which also do not directly relate to hockey, herrings or polar bears… in the meantime we would like to congratulate Jon Duhamel, and express our condolences to the rest of the utterly dull 20 something grinders whose names have already been forgotten… apart from the nutcase with the ace-seven of course!

Monday, 8 November 2010

Monday mornings do not get much easier for the writers of poker satire blogs than this, dear Melted Felt readers. Sometimes the poker news lurks in dark corners, under rocks or, well, in the very last place you look. Other times it smacks you around the head like a giant frying pan in a slapstick comedy, complete with ‘booooiinngggg; noise.

Well, where do you think that Shaun Deeb signing with a poker training site fits in??

The former tournament maestro will be taking his personal brand of poker to the masses, filling in gaps in Bluefire’s video lineup including:

- Effective Berating Techniques: Ever been in a situation where you thought of an absolute killer reply around 10 minutes after the opponent who gave you a hard time moved tables? Well worry no more, Shaun is all lined up to teach ‘levels of breation’. Taking us from the basic put-downs all the way through to advanced techniques in making your previously proud opponent feel like a fool.

- Crushing Female Only Tournaments In Drag: No No, not the old ‘use a female user name’ online routine that everyone thinks is their own oh-so-fvcking original idea until they find themselves playing with 6 other supermodel pic avatars, 1 dog and 1 ugly baby. This is the real deal, including make-up tips, choosing a dress which best suits your complexion and how to get that cleavage just-right.

- Effective Middle Name Adoption: Well, Shaun ‘Fvucking’ Deeb has already gone… and this video will teach you to find your own subtle, yet effective middle name. Some of the killer techniques in this series will include planning a middle name over various career streets, getting your opponents to give the right middle name to you, and how to avoid choosing a middle name which makes you sound like a right twat in different languages.

Friday, 5 November 2010

It only seems like 5 minutes ago, dear Melted Felt readers, when the last interesting poker personality was dumped out of the 2010 World Series and we wandered off to grab a snack. Now, sensationally, they are b-b-b-b-b-back… the 9 surviving players in this years biggest poker tournament are preparing to do battle, hacks worldwide are getting ‘when the dust cleared’ and other clichés ready for the write-ups and we are trying really hard to remember who those other 8 dudes playing Michael Mizrachi actually were… let me assist you, with the Melted Felt cut-out-and-keep (well, after printing it) guide to the November 9.

1 – Michael Mizrachi – The Mizrachi family of 1,743 bothers were actually part of an early cloning experiment which went wrong. By having more then 25% of the field, the chances of a Mizrachi final tablist were strong. The grinder is a feared poker pro who some people had actually heard of before the event, or was that his brother?

2 – Random White Guy With A Big Stack – We seem to recall one of the random whiteys had quite a lot of chips, no beard, and was not a logger. If previous years are anything to go by we would bet a lot of cash on this guy coming 2nd, in fact I’m going to my bookmaker now to ask for the line...

3 – Wasn’t There An Asian Looking One? Yeah, damn sure there was.

4 – Wassis-Name – You know, played that big hand with thingi-mi-jig and rivered a 10, or was it on the turn. Anyway, this guy is bound to have some chips, well, they all are really.

5 – Thingy-ma-jig – Well, have you been paying attention, he probably has a small stack, after playing that hand with Wassis-name

6 – Its-On-The-Tip-Of-My-Tongue – You know, that online player who we have all been huge fans of for many years, plays under the name, erm, hang on a bit… I have it written down here somewhere. Might use the avatar of the man-eating plant on Full Tilt, or was that someone else…

7 – That Bland Looking One – The player in his late 20’s or maybe early 30’s, looks ordinary enough, kind of boring really. You can spot this guy at the tables by the way he absent mindedly ruffles his chips. I’d expect he has a medium sized stack and will inevitably bust around half way through the final table.

8 – Was there another Asian guy? Just have this feeling we might be one Asian-American short of a full final table in our summary.

9 – The Stand-In – Would we know if they had switched one of the players? Really, would we know??

Hope that helps, right, decision made – I’m off to my bookies to put $1000 on Wassis-name.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Microwave-reheated hot news from the EPT Vienna, dear Melted Felt readers. As you may or may not know, nothing winds up a tofu muncher like a slowroll, and when the two things are combined – well you had better get the vegetables ready to be steamed by the jets coming out of each ear…

It started innocently enough, Dan the man perused the menu, noticing that those crazy Austrians do enjoy a tasty animal to munch on. When he asked a waitress whether there were any vegetarian options the first reaction was a shocked blank stare… did this guy not know that the entire Hungarian royal family were put to the sword for requesting ‘just a little salad’ rather than the charred leg of a formerly proud creature for their lunch?

In the end the head chef, Amadeus Wienerschnitzelhoff was called and agreed to cook up a nice combo of chemicals, bean curd and sour milk – along with some nice fresh roasted veg, potatoes and half of a wild boar on the side, even though (strictly speaking) he was prohibited from serving such hippy muck under the terms of the treaty of Versailles. Declining the dead boar in favor of some sweet chilli sauce, Negreanu thought that was the last of the incident and tucked a napkin into his shirt in anticipation of his meat-free feast.

This is where the story splits into two, Daniel claiming he was deliberately slowrolled, with the waitress twice appearing with a plate, moving towards him and then swerving at the last minute and returning to the kitchen. Amadeus explains things in different ways, after sending out several of his kitchen staff with knives, guns and table legs to actually kill a 'tofu' and return it to the kitchen… he had experienced some doubts that he was serving the correct creature - and that this was simply a communication error.

After an hour and a half the dish finally arrived, Doris, the waitress waiting a full 20 seconds before taking the lid off of the plate to reveal, deliciously flavored tofu, crunchy roasted vegetables, fluffy and creamy mashed potato – and of course, the turned nut straight.