Your Horoscope

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
In one sweaty fist, you’ve got a handful of keen, probably profitable ideas. In your other slick mitt you clutch some of your most beloved, if somewhat unrealistic, dreams. Unlikely doesn’t mean unachievable, however. Now that you’re being forced to choose which hand you’ll play this round with, consider these astrological facts: 1)Either hand could lead to the same place, depending on how you play it. 2)Your whimsical ambitions would be lucrative, if you poured your heart and soul and time into them. 3)Contrarily, the “quick buck” ideas could free you up to pursue your true ambitions. 4)The best parts of life usually involve how you get someplace, not where that place is.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Need an energy boost or release from stress? Dash from an intensely warm environment to a powerfully cold one for a couple minutes. The chill stimulates a rush of endorphins, so you feel upbeat and energized for hours afterwards. Your rising internal temperatures might make you wish for access to some arctic chill. Ride your soulful heat over the mental mountain you’ve been dreading. If you really feel in danger of burnout, I hear oral sex with ice cubes is an effective cure. If that’s not available, a cold shower will work, too. Just stay out of the freezer. It’s not big enough for two—and you’ll want company where you’re going.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I apologize for warning so many people about you. It’s for your own good—by your own admittance, you’re a handful. Please just consider this a huge favor I did you, out of the goodness of my heart. By screening out the wimps, I’ve spared you at least some heartache and disappointment. And those who are still interested know your immense passion, kinky imagination and phenomenal intuition more than compensate for any tough aspects of being intimate with you. Don’t harp bitterly about the ones who passed you over; sparkle for those contemplating making a pass.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You could be about to open the door to the culmination of months’ worth of effort. Would you be disappointed to discover that it’s just a closet full of stuffed animals? What if you gave up at that point? You’d never learn that they’re filled with money. However, the disappointment could mount when you found that although the cute little toys were crammed with genuine United States $100 bills, someone shredded them first. That’s not to say you did all that work for nothing. You could still try to painstakingly reconstruct and tape together the thin strips of cash, and probably recover quite a bit of it, given enough time. But my point is clear: what you thought was the end of the road isn’t, quite.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t crumple under the pressure. It’s almost more important to appear confident right now than to get the answers right. If your teammates, friends, or lovers begin to mistrust you, it’ll more likely be based on your own self-doubt than any actual failing of yours or gap in your knowledge. It may sound like a strategy for a once-popular TV game show, but it’ll work in your life, too. Chin up, baby—face your challenges squarely and without questioning yourself, and you won’t have to face the crushing condemnation: “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I just overheard a conversation that made me depressed. Two men in their thirties spent an hour consoling themselves for not doing anything interesting with their lives. Their actual words, “Life is supposed to be boring,” summed up their entire talk. I don’t mention it because I worry you’d ever leap to such a morose, uninspired conclusion. Yeah, right. Actually, I think it should be your purpose in life (especially this week) to go around disabusing people of such tedious notions. I don’t care if they’re nineteen, thirty-nine, or ninety-nine—if anyone thinks it’s too late to do something interesting with her life, I want you to be there to convince her otherwise.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Learn to drive, old lady. Put the goddamn pedal to the metal. Or something like that. I don’t want you to take unnecessary risks. But life without hazard is boring, almost pointless. “But I take risks!” you protest. Yes, but unavoidable perils don’t count. I’m talking about choosing to take a chance. It’s choices like those that ultimately truly define us—by avoiding them, you’re really limiting yourself and you’re life’s experienced. Lose control a little. This is a good week to do that—for every halfway reasonable risk you take, payout is 30 to 1.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Asia was the adventure I craved. Basking in the unpredictability and chaos of travel there, my friends and I also reveled in a sense of freedom simply not available here. We got to live out some of our larger-than-life fantasies. Trekking around sporting motorcycle goggles, demon horns, glittered crevices, and wild outfits, we looked like glamorous, (if a bit unwashed) superheroes. The venues for true adventure grow few, although they can still be found. This week, seek out someplace you can have a wild adventure, or at least someplace where it’d be fun to dress as if you’re having one.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Some buzz-savvy parents named their new baby Hashtag, and of course caused quite a stir amongst the Twitter crowd. Whether their child will be upset or pleased by their choice once she’s old enough to understand what her name signifies, we’ll have to wait and see. To me, regardless of her parents’ intentions and motivations, it seems as good a name as any other. Like everyone who was named by their parents, she needn’t be limited or defined by it. She’ll be whoever she makes herself to be—and so will you, if you remember to. The labels given you by other people aren’t even affixed with sticky tape—if they’re not serving you, shed them.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Your boots are ankle deep in the muck. That’s okay. You’ve let yourself sink so deep in the sucking mud of routine because you’re happy here. You like where you’re at, at least for now. It’s better than living in your car or working the street corner, things you might not have turned your nose up not long ago. It’s healthy to do the “same ol’, same ol’” thang occasionally. Allow yourself to gear up for the next magnificent leap forward through this boggy patch. The fen’s fickle pathways are shifting. Don’t vary your routine yet—but maybe start poking the ground ahead of you with a long stick—figure out in advance the driest spot to put your feet when it’s time to move on.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your feeble ambition this week is akin to: “If I concentrate hard enough, I just might be able to punch through a single sheet of paper!” Wow, underachiever, much? Could it be that you’re not aiming your sights high enough? (The answer is yes.) I’m not suggesting that you have the power to smash brick walls with your fist (though I won’t swear you don’t, either). I’m tired of repeating myself, so please, please get the message this time: You can absolutely accomplish anything you set your mind to, and not the tiniest bit more.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re toothier than a shark, faster than a cheetah, and sexier than a mermaid in heat right now. I feel sorry for any prey on your hit-list this week: they’re not likely to escape unless they’re very lucky. But act fast. You could soon (at least temporarily) lose some of these stunning attributes. Anything you can’t accomplish as a crippled, toothless old woman, you’d better do this week. If you’re swift and ruthless enough now, you could have someone to spoon-feed you then, which will make gumming your food in a wheelchair not nearly so bad.