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Drink, Beacon, Drink!

April 24, 2014 •

Just as a certain political party solved the energy crisis with the dictum “Drill, baby, drill,*” Beacon appears poised to defy a sluggish economy with a veritable onslaught of alcohol-based businesses. The newest member of the club will be at 394 Main Street, sandwiched between Kennedy Fried Chicken and the late, lamented Nichols Hardware, where the only spirits to be had were mineral. It is rumored the establishment will offer oysters along with a 32-tap curated selection of craft beers. A working name was DraughtKing, but apparently that came to naught.

The newest watering hole will join Oak Vino, Quinn’s, and the Towne Crier, along with slightly more established entities like The Hop, 2EM, and Dogwood. There is the also-yet-to-open Two Way Brewing. We must include the new trend of serving alcoholic drinks at coffee shops as well. Bank Square leads the way in this department, with a rumor that it will soon be joined by a certain gluten-free bakery and coffee place. This certain gluten-free bakery and coffee place has applied for a full liquor license, so it will include not only beer but wine and liquor, along with a dinner menu. No doubt the latest caffeine purveyor, Encore Coffee House, located in the Beacon Theater, will want in on the act eventually, perhaps offering nightcaps. Don’t forget the old stand-by’s like The Hub, Joe’s Irish Pub, The Barking Frog, Chill Wine Bar, and Max’s on Main.

Then you have the wholesale and DIY alcohol businesses such as Dennings Point Distillery, Home Brew, and Drink More Good, which offers a selection of bitters.

All of which suggests an ingenious marketing scheme for the city: a “wet town.” Obviously the opposite of a dry town, a new city ordinance would require by law that every business within city limits offer some type of alcoholic beverage or alcohol-based product or paraphernalia for sale. Of course, many businesses, such as the five gas stations in town, already sell alcohol. But why not get creative and add a pump for filling up growlers? Pale ale or stout? 4% or 6.5%? Seven cents a gallon off for cash.

The Cup and Saucer Tea Room could change its name to Cup and Sauce, and offer discreet shots of whiskey in the teas for the ladies who lunch. Nail salons might offer grain alcohol punches mixed with fruits that match the nail color being applied. Alps Sweet Shop would feature candies stuffed with highly potent dessert liqueurs, and any bakeries would be required to include rum cakes and such on the bill of fare. Beacon Natural Market could serve an organic gin and wheat grass concoction. How about the Beacon Bagel Bloody Mary? To die! Zora Dora’s? Forget about it! Booze freeze, better than free booze! Slurp, Beacon, slurp!

Hudson Beach Glass would be compelled to offer a range of bar glassware, from highball glasses to sours and cordials, and of course, beer flutes, chalices, and mugs. For take-home tipplers, there’s Beacon Wine Shoppe and Liquor and Artisan Wine, kind of straightforward, olde schoolle, alcohol version 1.1 businesses.

Those who feel crafty beers and expensive wines and finger foods is all a bit too chichi and high-falutin’ could always continue to drink the offerings at gallery openings. Tattoo parlors and head shops would be exempt from the new ordinance. You don’t want to be inebriated when choosing body ink or picking out a hookah.

Businesses that tobacco users make pilgrimages to would be exempt from the new law.

*They probably ripped off the refrain from “Disco Inferno” by The Trammps.

Note: Pregnant women and irresponsible drinkers should not read this article.