December 25, 2010

Every year I go to my dad's house in Palm Beach, Florida for Christmas. And every year, when it comes to Christmas presents on my dad’s side of the family, no one is safe.

Last year, I received a book about the Aztecs and an Andy Warhol pop box from my uncle. From my aunt, I got a multi-colored Bill Cosby sweater that looks like a quilt, and a mini blow-up doll. My stepmother got a book on bird mating.

That said, the following is a re-enactment of what occurred over my Thanksgiving break:

The family sits around the patio enjoying cocktails before Thanksgiving dinner. Auntie enters the room, equipped with wrapped gift boxes. She passes one to me and one to my younger sister.

Auntie: I brought your Christmas presents since I won’t see you next month. Open them! (Smiles expectantly.)

My sister and I exchanged frightened looks. We open the gifts. The first thing I see is a large black bottle with the label “Sexiest Fantasies” on it. Things are looking up.

I look to my left. My little sister has received the same bottle. I continue digging through the box and uncover a small glass perfume bottle in the shape of a naked woman. My sister receives one with the status of liberty placed on top. She lives in New York. This makes sense, I guess.

Me: Wow, I've never seen a perfume bottle with boobs. Thanks, Auntie.

Sister: Um, mine’s actually cologne.

Sister attempts to cover up this ungrateful statement by digging further through the box and handing the sex toys to our little brother, than attempts to pretend she didn’t just attempt to do that.

We keep digging. The next item I remove is a small pink box with the label “Titillation lib balm” scrawled on it, and a white tube with the label “Edible body bling.”