At a Crossroads...

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I am at a crossroads in my life… I am looking at the choice between a big life / less time with loved ones and a smaller life / more time with those I love. I am also caught between budgets and financial pulls. I don’t stress over finances anymore but I do realize that it is something I have to eventually face.

Something I am realizing is that it takes a village to survive life, period — without help from family and friends it is extremely hard to be a mom and try to have a life for me.

Unfortunately some of my village is “shrinking.” Of course, the amount of help and support I got during active treatment was off the charts, but my active treatment ended almost two years ago (thank God) and since then some family have moved away, some are not well, others went back to their regularly scheduled lives and all that means my safety net is thinner.

I am so happy not to be desperate for help, but thinking about some of the things I was scheduling for 2019, given recent issues I just do not have a clue how to make them work. It is causing me some cognitive dissonance — I want to be able to trust that I can live my life and put myself first and that all will be ok but I am not sure. And as a woman period forget about being a mom, too, who at times is more of a single mom in many ways, how do I put myself 100% first? When I’m still primary caregiver for little ones? When fevers and car pool duty and homework and meals and fun and sports and life is my planning forte / world?

Instead I am thinking of a different road — instead of world-renowned cancer crusader, speaker, etc. to, I don’t know, maybe a more normal 9-5 job, balancing act of home and work and not fame and home?

I never wanted to be famous — I wanted to help others but who needs the most help from me?

This is my quandary — when there are issues at home, it’s on me and when I doubt myself as to how I can make it work and how I can care for kids with fevers when if I get one I have to go to hospital, I just do it anyway — one, because I know in my heart I am the mom and this is where I belong, and two, because there is no one else to do it.

If I’m not here (either for world domination or speaking and touring lol) or God forbid the other unthinkable — who does it?

I did the math recently — I will have two “adults” within the next several years — time goes so quickly and while I do not want to go back to being the pre-cancer, “I am only a mom” me, I still do have responsibilities and passion for being a big part of these little people’s lives especially when I do not have the co-parent role working too well and my village is thinning out…

How do you plan your lives with multiple responsibilities? What takes priority? How do you balance?