“Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14)

Guts and grace--both at the same time--are two necessary things for Christian leaders to have when dealing with conflict. You need guts to defend important decisions and grace to do it correctly. Never forget the cardinal rule--take it to the Lord in prayer. Our minds and hearts must be at peace with the situation. When faced with difficulties, there are two basic considerations: (1) When we should confront a situation and (2) how to gracefully handle those involved. We want to act with integrity, but we do not want to seem arrogant nor abuse the power that we have. We want to share our perspective, but do not want to spoil relationships. After all, we want to defend the decisión and enforce unity. When does a leader know when he/she should be firm and how to do it with grace and skill? No method is free from error, but the following are recommended:

1. Make sure you understand the situation.

“Teach me knowledge and good judgment,. . .” (Psalm 119:66a)

The principal cause for errors committed during a confrontation is the failure to understand the issue(s). Before you get involved, make sure you have all the data or information concerning the issue. Clear up the vague areas and get the perspective from the other person(s) involved. DON’T CONFRONT SOMEONE WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY. This usually results in major damage and makes it more difficult to resolve the issue.

2. Look to see who exerts influence.

"I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence; I possess knowledge and discretion.” (Proverbs 8:12)

When there is global conflict in a ministry or family, you need to determine who has the most influence (this does not always depend on position or title). If you exert the most influence, be very careful. When you have more influence, you need to be careful how you use it. Always ask the question, “Who will this decision affect, both positively and negatively?” You do not want to abuse your authority or monopolize power in your family or ministry.

At times, the leader is not the person who exerts the most influence. This may create problems because the most influential person will win--even if you have good reason or not. If you encounter a situation like this, ask yourself these questions before you confront the person:

· Is the situation worth confronting? Some situations have little importance since they don’t affect the family or the church. If the situation is insignificant, forget it!

· Is the situation or issue bigger than the person with the most influence? There are situations that must be addressed--especially if it is a moral issue. In this case, it is necessary to go forward.

· Do I have a grudge (from past issues) against this person? If so, you should address those issues first before you begin with the issue at hand.

· Do I have my own personal agenda or is it of God? You should always ask yourself this question and hold yourself accountable. If it is personal and does not affect the church or family, get rid of your pride and let it go.

· What will be the result of this confrontation? Predicting the results is as easy as considering who will follow the influential person and who will follow you. Your first step is to talk to those who you can influence. You should do this before you confront the other person. Take advantage of any positive chance in the church or family. Timing is the key. Even a correct decisión at the wrong time can cause problems.

3. Respect their reasons and evaluate them.

“Every prudent man acts out of knowledge, but a fool exposes his folly.” (Proverbs 13:16)

Once you have determined that you need to confront the situation, do it with grace. Always asume that their motives are correct. This will create an atmosphere of love and understanding with the other person. Show that you value this person and their perspective. When it comes time to confront, let them know how much you appreciate them, that you see his/her point of view, how hard it was to make a decisión and reaffirm their value. It is important that you talk heart to heart. You are aware of their feelings. When you are finished, you can ask for their support in explaining your decisión to others.

Once you have resolved the problem, go forward. Never bring up the issue unless it happens again or you want to use it to affirm positive change and growth. People will respect you.

One final recommendation. Before you confront a situation and talk about an issue, put this into practice. If your example is good and your credibility is, too, you can confront difficulties with success.