Well, it's a bit complex and you don't want to look stupid around Americans or we'll never let you hear the end of it. The chip tongs should be pretty self explanatory, but remember, the right way to deal with long strands of cheese is to pull it, then fold it atop the chip. Italians roll it like it was pasta and we're forever making fun of them at the finer restaurants.

If the cheese is melted, tradition dictates that you eat it right-handed, whereas a cheese sauce would mean you should eat it left-handed, although that dates back to the late 1800s when Irish immigrants used their right hands for cheese spoons, which have since been replaced with the Hanzer ladle--don't ask for one of those, the waiter will use it to give you extra cheese upon request.

If your group orders nachos with jalapenos, make sure to use the two-tined jalapeno fork if you'll be taking any from a communal dish. That much is essential, and many use the fork even in the nicer nacho restaurants when you get your own nacho plate. Americans from the south (primarily Georgia and South Carolina) often use the forks to remove any jalapeno seeds that the chef might have missed, although that's quite rare.

Also, most nacho dishes in the west have a dollop of sour cream on the top or the side when it comes to the table. If it's a communal plate, nobody will touch it until the guest of honor takes some of it. Please take some, as it's considered impolite at least, and even bad luck in places like Seattle and Portland. If you suffer from a dairy allergy, please let your host know before ordering. It's easier to skip the sour cream than face the complicated morass of dividing up the dollop once it comes to the table.

kroonermanblack:Bungles: Dear Jerk: Brits turn their nose up at BBQ, too. Like conservative talking heads, their opinions should be taken only for entertainment, not instruction.

British people adore BBQ, it just that they prefer proper, outside BBQs, and the chances to reliably organise them is infrequent (due to weather).

On the first day of proper summer, the entire UK stinks of BBQ, because every single person with a BBQ is using it.

Sigh. Are you trolling or serious? The term you are looking for is 'grill', not 'barbecue'.

BBQ as a cooking process at no point involves shuffling hamburgers and hot dogs over a fire for 15 seconds. It doesn't involve direct flame at all in most cases. It is specifically about low, indirect, heat applied over long periods of time. Used to soften otherwise difficult to use cuts, like brisket, and skirt of flank steak.

A dish invented at the last moment by the owner of a border town restaurant to give a bunch of drunk army wives something to ballast their margaritas now rates a food etiquette guide?

Tortilla chips, shredded cheese. Like pizza, toppings are varied, but anything common in Mexican food (Jalapeños, black olives, etc) will do. Eat with friends if possible. Wash down with margaritas or beer. It's not farking rocket science.

/useless trivia, "Doritios" as a brand were invented at Disneyland as a way to recycle stale tortillas.

Wine would be wasted and water's a vibe-killer. There is a hell of a lot of grease on that plate, so you need something carbonated, a tongue-scrubber: diet Pepsi or Coke (full fat's too sickly) or a lighter, paler beer, a good lager or blonde ale.

Do they have special cola drinks in Britain made with lard, or something?

They just have trouble eating anything that isn't slimy or made from intestines.

I don't want to alarm you, but outside the US, globally the reputation of American food is considerably worse than British food.... basically 3 pounds of butter and 3 pounds of salt, all served in a bucket.

Nachos are a Mexican dish made of stale taco shells. They are traditionally eaten by donning a colourful plastic poncho made of plastic to keep the salsa and Nacho dust from turning your fat blubbery body as orange a Guido from Ocean City in a Speedo from Atlantic City. Some people just use a tarp as a bib or plastic sheets. If you sit in the front row you will be splashed like a big breasted blonde in the front row at a Gallagher show. Sometimes Nachos are made into hats and sold to sports fans who have nowhere to put down a bowl of salsa with spilling it when their team scores. Fortunately this is not a problem your Mother has at sports events because she can cram a tub of salsa into her fat rolls or between her enormous dugong dugs.

Nachos can be covered with salsa or cheez-fud, an orange substance which is a result of an industrial accident involving genetically-modified scale insects and a nuclear reactor. The same substance has been adapted as a wax for surf boards. Cheez-fud can be melted onto nachos under a broiler or simply by exposing them to ultra-violet or gamma radiation. Some mutations are to be expected if you fail to do this.

sendtodave:scottydoesntknow: However the fark you want to eat them. There's no uniformity with nachos, so you just resign yourself to the fact that you're going to make a huge mess and then dig in.

A note on etiquetteIf you are British, please avoid the phrases, "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings". You are not a character in American Pie.

So did they just pick a movie with the word 'American' in it? I don't remember the phrase "loaded nachos" or "all the fixings" in it.

They meant "American Frito Pie."

When I was in elementary school they served that shiat to us as a 'meal'. I thought it was dubious at best, wondering where the food was. Frito Pie is disgusting (to me) and not a meal. It's a snack, like those friend monstrosities people make at fairs like twinkies and cookies.