Joan Face: Good evening, I’m Joan Face. Welcome again to “What If?” Each week on the show, we ask a hypothetical question about a specific historical event. Tonight’s question, like all our questions, comes from a Mr. Kevin O’Donnell, age 10, a paperboy from Alton, Illinois. Kevin asks, “What If Superman grew up in Germany, instead of America?” With us to help answer this question is our panel of experts: Brigadier General Kevin Temple, and Eileen Houton, Professor of Modern Histroy at Wellesly College, and owner of one of the largest comic book collections in the United States. Professor Houton, what if Superman grew up in Germany instead of America?

Eileen Houton: Well, Joan, as you know, Superman’s father, Jor-El, sent the infant Superman from Krypton toward the planet Earth, where he landed in Kansas, sometime around 1930. Superman adopted the philospohies of his new parents, the Kents: truth, justice, and the American way. Now, if he had landed in, say, Prussia, he would have adopted entirely different values.

Joan Face: So, what you’re saying is that the young Superman maywell have become a Nazi?

Eileen Houton: Exactly!

Joan Face: Well, of course, we should remember that at the time Superman was reaching manhood, Germany was at war with the United States. General, what would have happened if the Man of Steel had fought for the Third Reich?

Kevin Temple: Wait a minute, why didn’t Superman fight for us?

Joan Face: This is a hypothetical question, General.

Kevin Temple: Oh.. oh, yes.. I’m sorry.. Um..

Joan Face: Well, here’s tonight’s dramatization of: What if Superman had grown up in Germany instead of America?

[ dissolve into presentation ] [ SUPER: Berlin, 1943 – The Chancellory Headquarters of the Third Reich ] [ open on Hitler giving a speech ]

Hitler: The Russians are swine! Just one step above the Poles! Two steps above the Gypsies! Four steps above the Homosexuals! Five steps above the Negros! Nine steps above the Dwarves! Fifteen steps above the Gypsy Homosexuals! Twenty-seven steps above the Negro Gypsy Homosexual Dwarves! And forty-three steps above the Jews! Did I mention the Homosexual Jews? [ is assured he has ] Right! The meeting is over!

Generals: Heil, Hitler!

[ the Generals rise from their chairs and exit the Chancellory Headquarters.. except for one General who pauses to leave a ticking briefcase on the counter ]

Hitler: [ presses intercom ] Frau Guston, who is waiting to see me?

Voice on Intercom: Colonel Klink, and those three reporters fromthe Daily Planet.

Hitler: Send in the reporters!

[ the reporters are shown in ]

Reporters: Heil, Hitler!

Hitler: Well, I wish to praise your propaganda work in the newspaper! [ points to Lois ] Your must be..?

Klaus Kent: Yes, Lois. But I was younger then.. now, I’m just amild-mannered clerk for the Ministry of Propaganda. [ Klaus turns andnotices the ticking briefcase sitting on the counter – he uses his X-ray vision to discover a bomb inside ] Excuse me, Mein Fuhrer? Is that a janitor’s closet?

Hitler: Ya.

Klaus Kent: Excuse me for a moment. [ Klaus ducks inot to janitor’s closet, where he removes a piece of kryptonite and summons Jor-El ]

Jor-El: [ appearing ] My Son. My Son. I am your father, Jor-El. Your mother and I have sent you to Earth the only survivor of Krypton. As you hear this, I will have been dead many centuries, but I will reborn as Charlie Rich. On the planet Earth you have special powers and knowledge, which will separate you from mankind. Use these powers only for good, and above all you must never tamper with the destiny of man. And don’t eat junk food. [ disappears ] [ Klaus uses the kryptonite to summon his Earth father, Mr. Kent ]

Mr. Kent: My Son. When your Vearth mother und I found you in the Black Forest, we raised you as our own. We taught you how to battle at Versailles. How Jews are parasites. And how Germany vill one day bring order to the vorld. Und don’t, Son, ever lift those Volkswagens by the bumper – come right off in your hand. [ disappears ]

Klaus Kent: Ya! He’s right! I will use my powers for the fatherland. For I am.. [ strips off his Earth clothes to reveal his supercostume ] ..Uberman!

Joan Face: Well, that looked pretty grim. I guess we would havelost the war.

Kevin Temple: Not necessarliy, Joan. As you know, Joan.. Superman, or Uberman, is vulnerable to one thing: kryptonite. The U.S. would have put all its energy into creating a kryptonite bomb in time to stop Uberman.

Eileen Houton: And after the war, with the entire British isles wiped out, it may well have become the Jewish homeland, and Israel would be in England today.

Joan Face: Ah. Well, thank you very much, General Temple, Professor Houton. Join us next week when we pose the question: “What if all women had snouzer faces?”

[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is There A Super Bowl In Heaven?” ] [ fade ]

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn View all posts by Don Roy King