Phoebe : No, I know, I’m just nervous. Y’know it’s just y’know Mom’s
dead, don’t talk to my sister, Grandma’s been sleeping a lot lately. It’s just
like the last desperate chance to have a family, y’know, kinda thing. You’re
so sweet to wait with me.

Rachel : Well, actually Gunther sent me. You’re not allowed to have
cups out here, is the thing. (takes her cup and goes back inside)

[Scene: inside Central Perk]

Chandler : Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?

Monica : No, but he told me he thinks you’re a fox.

Chandler : Alright, Janice likes him. In fact she likes him so much
she put him on her, uh, "freebie list".

Joey : Her what?

Chandler : Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities
that we can sleep with, and the other one can’t get mad.

Ross : Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect,
and sex with celebrities.

Frank : Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Times Square
and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take
a picture of a hooker.

Chandler : You know, we really don’t take advantage of living in the
city.

Joey : I know.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall. In Chandler’s
room - on the other side of the wall - the drill comes out the other side really
close to Chandler’s head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.]

Joey : Well, you should’ve told me that before, I’m not a mind reader
(taps Chandler on the forehead with his pencil). Hey, we’re out of beer. OK,
I’m going to Monica’s.

Chandler : Fine! (goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams
the bottom half of the door.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Joey is entering]

Monica : Hey! Where ’ya headin’ in those pants? 1982?

Joey : Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they
got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.

Monica : Why, what’s wrong with my bathroom floor?

Joey : Nothing. It’s just old and dingy, that’s all.

Monica : I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom)

Joey : Oh yeah? If you ah, move your hamper, you can see the color the
tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.

Monica : I can’t live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna
do?

Joey : Relax. Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer). This old stuff
comes right up, I’ll show you. (he bends down to try and lift some tile right
in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants, giving Monica quite the view.)

Monica : That’s a little more than I wanted to see.

Joey : (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every
inch of this is glued down. It’d take forever to pry this up. You should ah,
you should just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him)

Monica : I can’t leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.

(Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle
of the floor.)

Joey : Eh! There you go.

Monica : You know that’s nice, y’know we could put it back there after
the surgeons remove it from your colon!

[Scene: Phoebe’s, Frank and her, are sitting on the couch, looking bored]

Phoebe : (sits up) Oooh, oooh!

Frank : What?

Phoebe : Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your
tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldn’t, and I thought y’know, I figured
that was something I got from our Dad.

Frank : Well, uh, wait, you mean like this? (does it)

Phoebe : Yeah, yeah. You can do it too! (sticks out her non-rolled tongue,
quite proud of herself)

Phoebe : Oh, well um, not right now. (puts phone down) You know what?
I think I’m just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.

Frank : (starts laughing) Yeah!

Phoebe : G’night, bro.

Frank : G’night.

Phoebe : Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher) Y’know, just in case.

Frank : Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire extinguisher’s hose.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while
FRANK is playing with num-chucks on the balcony, making Bruce Lee sounds]

Monica : What kind of karate is that?

Phoebe : No kind. He just makes it up.

Monica : So how’s it going with you guys?

Phoebe : So far, it kinda blows. I don’t know, I just thought y’know
that he’d feel more like a brother y’know, like you and Ross, just like close
and connected and....

Monica : Oh honey, we’re close now but you-you wouldn’t believe the
years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe
shakes her head like she doesn’t understand) That’s where the waistband actually
goes over your head.

Phoebe : Ah!!

Monica : Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.

Phoebe : Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

Monica : Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

Phoebe : I just asked you.

Monica : I just asked you.

Phoebe : I don’t have time for this.

Monica : No, that is what the game is.

Phoebe : Well, you just gave up really quickly.

Chandler : (entering) Have you seen Joey?

Monica : What’s the matter?

Chandler : Oh, just this! (turns around and has a paint lid stuck to
the back of his pants.) Y’know what? It’s my fault really, because the couch
is usually where we *keep* the varnish.

Joey : (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hand me one
of those tiles.

Frank : So wait, what’s the deal here, I can have sex with you, but
I can’t touch you?

Phoebe and Jasmine : Ewww!!!

Phoebe : You can’t have sex with her!

Jasmine : What’d you think I was, a hooker?

Frank : No, I know you’re a "masseuse", it’s cool, I’m not a cop.

Phoebe : Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can
wait for like five minutes.

Jasmine : Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Franck) I don’t like
you!! (leaves)

Phoebe : (turns around and hits Frank) So that’s what you thought I
did!! God! That’s not what I do!

Frank : Wait that’s-that’s, what that’s not what you do?

Phoebe : Nooo! Why would you think that?

Frank : I don’t know, I mean, y’know, this is the city y’know, I just,
I mean, I don’t know.

Phoebe : Whatever, it’s the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.

Frank : Oh, wait, no, you’re right, no it was perfect and I can’t believe
that I screwed it up so bad.

Phoebe : You really thought it was perfect?

Frank : Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn’t perfect, but y’know it was pretty
cool, y’know, ’cause we had all those great talks y’know.

Phoebe : Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?

Frank : Well y’know about the tongue thing, y’know, and how I told you
about my likes and my dislikes (Phoebe looks confused and does not follow) How-how
I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn’t melt?

Phoebe : Right, okay, mm-hmm.

Frank : Yeah, y’know I feel like I can really talk to you ’cause y’know
you’re my sister, y’know.

Joey : Look it’s not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door,
a little of my door.

Chandler : Yeah, y’know what I got a better idea. How-how ’bout it blocks
none of mine door and a lot of yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to
try and move it, but it doesn’t move.)

Joey : Yeah, listen, before I forget - that side is still wet.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.]

Rachel : Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a
half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot
latte, right? (the guy nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under her
breath) You freak.

(Isabella Rosselini enters)

Ross : (to Gunther) Thank you.

Isabella : (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.

(Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch, mouthing ’Oh my God’

Ross : Isabella Rosselini. (points to her)

Monica : Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God.

Ross : Damn! I cannot believe I took her off my list.

Monica : Why? ’Cause otherwise you’d go for it?

Ross : Yeah, maybe.

Rachel : Oh-oh, you lie.

Ross : What you don’t think I’d go up to her?

Rachel : Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.

Ross : Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.

Rachel : You know what honey, you go ahead, we’ll call her an alternate.

Ross : (to ISABELLA) Hi! Hi, I’m Ross, you don’t know me, but I’m a
big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering
if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her change) Or
reimburse you for that one?

Isabella : Aren’t you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel,
who waves back)

Ross : Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that’s okay, see we have an understanding,
um, see we each have this list of five famous people, (gets his out) and you
were one of mine, so I’m allowed to sleep with you. (she looks surprised) No,
no, no, it’s flattering.

Isabella : Oh, oh ... (laughing, starts to leave)

Ross : Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don’t, don’t just dismiss
this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...

Isabella : Yeah, for *you*. Is that the list?

Ross : Um, yes.

Isabella : May I see it?

Ross : Um, no.

Isabella : Come on! (grabs the list from him)

Ross : But, okay.

Isabella : (reading it) I’m not on the list!

Ross : Um, see, but that’s not the final draft.

Isabella : It’s laminated!

Ross : Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on my list but then, my
friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are
international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.

Isabella : Y’know it’s ironic...

Ross : What?

Isabella : ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys
and yesterday I just bumped you for that guy over there. (points at a random
guy and leaves, Rachel is beaming as Ross approaches the couch)

Ross : (to the rest of the gang) We’re just gonna be friends.

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, they are admiring the entertainment center]

Joey : Y’know what?

Chandler : Hmm?

Joey : Betcha I could fit in there. (points to a hole in the center)

Chandler : I’ve got five bucks says you can’t.

Joey : Get out your checkbook, mister (gets up, strolls over).

Chandler : Oh, I think I have the cash.

(Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, and Chandler closes the
door on Joey.)

Joey : You are dogged man! I totally fit!

Chandler : Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the
handles so that the doors won’t open) I’m out five big ones! (puts the money
in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go.