The PM prepares a crucial conference speech in the latest episode of our
political sitcom

IT WAS a lazy weekday morning in Downing Street. George sat at his desk, trying – for the hundredth time – to make the sums add up. He was about to lop another billion off the welfare bill, just in case that made any difference, when the calm was rudely shattered.

“Look here, you f---ing plebs!” came the plummy, all-too-familiar tones. “You’ll do what I tell you, all right?”

Panicking, George raced for the Downing Street entrance – the last thing they needed was a repeat of “Gategate”, as Andrew’s little episode had been dubbed. But when he arrived, he found the police going about their business undisturbed and unabused.

Puzzled, he returned to his office – only for Dave’s voice to be heard again. “Listen up,” came the stentorian bellow. “You don’t run this Government. In fact, you need to learn your place.”

Cautiously, George opened the connecting door to No 10, expecting to find Dave harassing some cowering minion. Instead, the PM was sitting calmly behind his desk.

“Ah, George!” he ventured cheerily. “Just the chap. I’m working up my speech to the Lib Dem conference – what do you think?”

“Eh?” said George.

“Well, Nick and I were thinking – as a symbol of our renewed commitment to the Coalition, shouldn’t we each make an appearance at the other’s roadshow? You know, celebrate a new era of tough truths and honest government.”

“I see,” said George. “Tell me, was this Nick’s idea?”

“Funnily enough, it was,” said Dave. “Why d’you ask?”

“Simple,” said George. “After that video of his went viral, he’s been spending the whole week trying to find something to knock it off the YouTube charts. Who do you think’s the prime suspect for leaking Andrew’s temper tantrum? And who strapped poor Larry on to that skateboard?”

“Gosh,” said Dave. “You mean…”

“Yup,” said George. “He’s obviously hoping you’ll make a tremendous prat of yourself, and they’ll throw their sandals at you, and it’ll all get put up online with a catchy backing beat.”

“Well, lucky you spotted the trap,” said Dave. “I was all set to tell those blighters what I really think of them.”

“It’s all right,” said George. “No need to make a meal of it. After all – as Nick says, when we’re wrong, we hold our hands up…”