The Painkiller Saga

Because that's what I'll be on

In which a tongue teleports

No Rest for the Weary

Persona: de Lostanges, Kai, Pelerin, Samson and Teabagger

Narrative

Another day on the road passed uneventfully for the party, villages and roads passing like clouds in the sky. As night settled, they camouflaged the carriage and established a watch that best benefited their abilities. Kai and de Lostanges took the first watch so as to catch the lowlight. Samson and Teabagger were to take the second watch, and Pelerin and Fred for the last. In the dead of night, Kai heard the rustle of a carriage fast approaching. The two crept to the roadside to get a better look. The carriage slowed to a stop as close to their camp as possible. The carriage was looking for them. Three humans left the vehicle dressed in familiar studded leather. Their cursory search found nothing but they headed toward the party’s carriages as if guided by someone more sighted then they. The coachman and another started away from the carriage. In a fit of inspiration, de Lostanges snuck up the road and mimicked “noises of the night”. The second group ran towards the sounds, time bought for the party. His errand done he snuck back to the campsite…but not quietly enough. His targets of distraction heard his step as an unfortunate twig broke in the grass. They bounded off in the direction of the sound, their prey itself unseen.
In the meantime, Kai had swiftly awoken the party and returned to a close vantage behind some trees. The three enemies casually walked closer to the campsite, only to be confronted by a bright light. Illuminated by a light spell on the carriage, Pelerin stood before them in his nightgown and sputtered “Y-you should not be here!” One fell down in fright, the others approached him unimpressed. When Pelerin decided to flee, all hell broke loose. He found himself held by a thug, Kai’s arrow found itself in the carriage beside a thug’s head, the thugs found themselves facing a screaming, mostly naked Teabagger, and a very unphased Samson found himself threatened at sword-point. The cowardly of the three ran away faced with spittle and fat, “away” being face to face with his boss. The gnome from before approached, flaming sword in hand. Faced with gnome and man, Kai’s sword missed deflection and his side tasted lackey steel. Faced with bad odds and possible death, Kai fled to behind the carriage. Pelerin set slumber upon the thug nearest to Teabagger, leaving the man resting peacefully upon the half-orc’s stomach. With a merciful but strong hand, Teabagger assured that the man would not walk for some time. Samson confidently dealt with his harasser only to have the other two finally bound into the spell-light.
de Lostanges dueled alone with Rougemartin and man taking and giving blow. In a stroke of luck, Rougemartin’s flaming sword slipped from his hand and into the gut of his hireling. Without ceremony, he pulled a dagger and it sprang alight. The two remaining men proved no match for Samson and Teabagger, as a few seconds dance of hammer and sword incapacitated both. Sustained by Pelerin’s healing, Kai and de Lostanges fought Rougemartin. The surprise of his magical deflections and attacks explained the gnome’s confidence. However, a remarkable blow from Kai was the deathknell of Rougemartin, splitting magical shield in twain. The battle seemed settled with two fleeing, three unconscious and one dead. Without explanation, the red worg sprung from the grass and attempted to flee with Rougemartin’s corpse. In happy serendipity, Pelerin’s slumber found the wolf and devastating blow after blow rained upon its monstrous form. The battle ended, the party slept for the night. When they awoke, the gnome’s corpse was missing and the mens’ throats slit.

Experience Tally

5 Brigands = 5×400xp
Rougemartin = 1200xp
1 Worg = 600xp

A Treasure Hunt

Narrative

Griffon ivory-hilted dagger besides, the group was disappointed in the lack of spoils among the bandits. Roguemartin’s magical chainshirt aside, his dagger was nonmagical and the richest prize was a picnic basket of food in his carriage. However, they found a map on the carriage driver’s seat. They tied the extra horses to the back of their carriage and ventured onwards. They found buyers for two of the fine collection of the studded leathers that the party had been accumulating. They found these buyers by pulling them off of a protesting Blackmyre in a roadside inn. As he said, “It’s not my fault if my dice always roll ones”. In hopes of finding Rougemartin’s treasure, the party selected a more difficult route through a forest. The foliage grow thicker and darker as they progressed into the forest. A broken gourd on the roadside evoked a face—and the brewer in Teabagger. He collected the plant into his cask to ferment. With time came strange noises, gourds bouncing in the trees, and eyes and scales in the bushes. Teabagger’s roar frightened the animated plants out of the branches. Fred and Kai narrowly avoided them as the splattered against the carriage. The surviving gourdmen competed with Teabagger in collecting the pulp on the carriage top.
They rounded an interior lake and found a concealed path. The path led them away from the noises and eyes until at last they found a quaint red cottage of some size. Their knocks were answered by a portly chef. His protests that “Only Rougemartin could let people in” were eventually superseded by lies that the party was under Rougemartin’s orders. The majority entered while Kai remained outside with the carriage. Rougemartin’s house proved lavish in food and art. A masterwork rapier found its way onto de Lostange’s hip and caches of jewelry and gold were spred among the party. Unthinkingly, Teabagger found a letter from Rougemartin, addressed “Just in case”. It read, “Knowledge is power. I like power. Gather power and bring it to me.” When they went to exit however, they found the door mysteriously shut. No agency the party possessed could open or break door or window. Aided by Pelerin’s mystical acumen, the party also found a mysterious set of bookends on the mantle. Set before a portrait of Rougemartin, anything placed between them was teleported to the bookcase across the room. No solution of the door issue was found. With this, the truth came to the cook, Pratchet Holt. He was ecstatic to be free but saddened to be trapped. He mentioned that Rougemartin had left instructions to exit the house.

Wolves and Bandits, Oh My. T.T

A Bit of Shopping

Persona: de Lostanges, Kai, Samson and Teabagger

Narrative

The group found their way to the seat of the Dukedom, Trollseat. While waiting for Crantt to acquire work for them, de Lostanges, Samson and Teabagger found their way to a local shop, The King’s Pants. The shopkeep was ecstatic to see customers and led them into a back room with various pieces of armor adorning the walls. Samson found his way to a red breastplate (and the shopkeep found his way into the first armor sale that year). Being a half-orc of generous proportions, Teabagger inquired after an armor of a tolerant size. His answer was a centuries-old half-plate produced from a display case, sold at lesser price due to the poor cognizance of the shopkeep.
At the same time, Crantt spied a half-elf with bow and sword in open carry. The old man had finally found work. Seeking another companion for his group, he offered an equal pay to Kai and sent him to bring the rest to him. Between a pile of letters and a collection of empty tankards, Crantt explained that a Duke of Northshir had a goblin problem that he was willing to go to some expense to remedy. Thus the party bought supplies and began the trek to Hagshill. Exiting the Inn, a Gnome with blood red hair in a chainshirt approached the group. He introduced himself as Rougemartin and left after asking about the party’s fortune. The party found a big man who answered to Fred in leathers on the carriage. Crantt had gotten them a “passenger” to drive.

A Chase on the Open Road

Persona: de Lostanges, Kai, Samson and Teabagger

Narrative

Two days of uneventful travel went by with only a spot of rain. On the third day, a group of horsemen started to pass the carriage. Suddenly, the orc of the group took a swing at Fred with his battle axe. In response, Fred tried to drive the carriage in escape. Kai and de Lostanges climbed to the top of the carriage to fight while Samson struggled to fight while controlling a panicked Ed. Kai immediately hit a horse-bound archer in the chest with his longbow, sending the unfortunate elf flying from his horse. de Lostanges and the orc traded strikes back and forth, the orc taking a rapier point through the jaw out a spot behind the ear. Despite what seems a fatal wound, the orc continued to fight. Teabaggger took a break from petting Astaroth to demand the orc’s name, “I AM TEABAGGER, WHOAREYOU?”
“I AM REAVERCHILDRAPER”
“WHAT DO YOUWANT?”
“I WANTYOURMONEY”
Between the longsword of Samson, the ancestral greatsword of Kai, and the rapier of de Lostanges, Childraper was finally killed and the other two horsemen met similar fates just outside of a small village. Doubling back to inspect the corpses, the group found a small amount in silver and copper coins, 4 sets of studded leather armor, a small piece of black obsidian, two trained warhorses and, for de Lostanges and with some effort, a jar of livers.

Experience Tally

4 Brigands = 4×400xp

Total per Person = 1600XP/4 = 400XP

Farmers’ Problems Come Knocking

Persona: de Lostanges, Kai, Samson and Teabagger

Narrative

With a bit of asking around, the party heard of a farmer in need of some horses. Teabagger, de Lostanges, and Samson went into the local tavern to find the farmer. Teabagger went over to him with a spare tankard of “meed”. The farmer told them that his horses had been killed by wolves, and that was why he was unable to work (and ostensibly why he was there…ostensibly). The farmer and teabagger came to an agreement, and the horses were sold for half-price. The humans celebrated the sale by drinking till evening, while Kai soberly listened to the chatter in the bar. Loose talk told of bandits led by Red Marty “taxing” most and mugging those with valuables as well as a pack of unusually active wolves.
The hour late, the party asked about rooms from the barkeep. His initial offer of the sole room above the bar for 5gp was met with a face full of angry spittle from Teabagger’s objections. Soiled britches mean 5 silver for a night and that plans of thievery will be abandoned, it seems.
The next morning, they debated whether to take the bandit problem into their own hands. The altruism of the kindly paladin did not sway the wallets of the other three. Alarmed by the knowledge of multiple threats to travelers, Kai chose to ride next to Fred instead of in comfort. The caution paid off as he spotted the pack before they could encircle the carriage. Not willing to risk a fight with all the wolves, he told Fred to hasten the horses again. They soon found themselves fending the wolves away in a desperate fight to keep the carriage upright and horses sound. Samson dealt a death blow to one, sending it careening into another behind it while Kai nearly killed another with his bow. de Lostanges found a moving carriage disruptive to his lounges—stabbing air and Teabagger both. That did nothing to assuage the suspicions of Kai.
In the middle of the fight, Kai spotted a larger red wolf chasing the carriage. All were shocked when the wolf screamed, “Red Marty wants you dead!” The worg did its best to break his way through the back of the carriage. Misfortune struck the party all at once. The wolves found claws in the horses, barely failing to bring them to the ground. Kai dropped his sword on the top of the carriage, his gratitude that he had not lost it was short lived as he dropped it off the side immediately after. Unwilling to say goodbye to his inheritance, he dove off the carriage after it. Teabagger dove off the carriage after him and Samson lost control of Ed, finding himself carried off the path toward the forest. de Lostanges and Fred were alone and facing four wolves and the raging worg.
Faced with dire straights, Fred revealed his propensity for magic. In a burst of flame, he summoned a fire elemental which held pace with carriage and wolves. With the fiery aid, de Lostanges sent another wolf smashing into his fellow, killing one and nearly killing another. Incredulous at the “fire gnome” in front of him, the worg fled into the forest as Fred lost control of the horses but froze the last wolf in place. Without ceremony, de Lostanges exited the carriage and killed the wolf before Fred’s magic could subside. With equal lack of excitement, Samson killed the delayed wolf that faced down Teabagger and Kai. Ecstatic, the fire elemental chased down the finally failing wolf and immolated it in glee. At high noon, Fred went about healing the horses and men.

It ends with a tea party

Freedom!!!

Persona: Blackmyre, Chorster, Pelerin, Lostanges, and Samson

Narrative

There are a variety of reasons to be in jail. Each person sitting on the cold stone of the prison of Fort Kitsden had one—not that they felt overly inclined to share it. They were all there only temporarily, waiting for the transfer to a higher authority. Lady Musk had personally expressed her displeasure that the right of punishment was no longer hers. They waited several days, anticipating the come of the fortnight with uncertainty. Then one night, Daviad was awakened by the clink of metal on metal. Through never-groggy eyes he saw a wiry male figure, draped in shadow, leading the discomforting lad out of the cell across from him. “Hello there.” He said, “Nice night, isn’t it?” Like rats from a cat, the figure and boy closed the cell door and ran from the cellar prison.
A fair number of the rest awoke from the sound of his voice. Through the short windows at the top of their cell Daviand, Lucien and Rodrick saw flashes of dim light then a horrible groaning sound arose, as if a hundred souls had been awoken against their will. Rising to the challenge, the fat half-orc’s snores competed with them for volume. Soon enough, a single groan grew louder until a walking corpse stumbled down into the room. In panic, Blackmyre summoned acid upon the rusty hinges of his cage. The door fell with a loud thump and he hastened to test the endurance of other doors hinges, his own escape blocked by a hostile corpse. Indignant at the living dead, Arthur Crantt charged the zombie, wrestling with cold flesh but never gaining the advantage. Once free, the rest hastened to gather their arms and the first zombie fell to a collection of slashing blades.