He definitely protesteth too much! I'd have turned and left as well, but some people just aren't into non-conformity. Your cross-dressing chum should sympathise. Which bog does he use when he's out and about? Dearie me! Hotboy

30 August 2006 at 14:41

Winston Churchill's black dog came ashore here a couple of days ago. I hadn't seen it for years. My, how it's grown in the meantime!

It seemed to think there was a bone buried round here. For a while I considered taking it for a walk down by the railway tracks, but this morning I summoned the resolve to chase it away again. Shoo! Go and dig up someone else's garden!

Ah, that's better!

When the doctors give you the black spot, everything goes into a mad panic, and it's like a TV emergency room drama. Everyone talks of beating this thing. It's war, it's going to be tough, and we'll have to chop off your pecker (or your head, or whatever) but then you might be alright again.

Part of you is enthralled by all the activity focused on you, and you yourself need do nothing except drop your breeks for the peckerotomy and the poisoning and the frying.

20 years later, and you've lost your fear of the black spot (hooray!) but the side-effects of the peckerotomy get steadily worse. Most days, you're a happy survivor making the most of things, having a great life with a lovable partner. What would you do without her? What a fortunate creature!

Just occasionally, you find yourself wishing for the end, and for a moment you understand why some people throw themselves under trains. And the world wide mess doesn't exactly help the jollity levels. Time to curl up into a foetus and whimper. Just keep the supply of quadruple-dosage Somaloft coming, or is that made from oil too?

Adolf! Heil! You can talk about emptiness and non-self till you're blue in the face, but when you're in the shit, you're in it. And that's that way it looks. Even if you know in your heart it's just a view. Now I'm sorry you got the fatwa. I take it back. You should abandon the return to Berlin and visit with me in the hut. Bring some of your nutritious non-alcoholic beer so we can sit there and have a laugh until we can embrace death. If you're still not feeling good we could go camping on the top of Ben Nevis, but we'd need woolly socks! Hotboy

27 August 2006 at 22:15

My old friend hotboy has started being nice to me, occasionally even using words of praise. This false consciousness is unsettling. At first I wasn't sure whether to take it as sarcasm. But then I realised what his game is. He's planning ahead, so when the nuclear backpacks start going off in Blighty, he wants to be welcome to come ashore and take refuge on my island, camping out here in the back garden. That'll be okay, I need a gardener anyway. I'll just have to bury the beer stash before he gets here, and brew a bucket of my special no-alcohol lager as a decoy.

Other blog refugees who come here are advised to get here early and stash their own Margarita and MGT supplies before his arrival. That should help. UnHeard Of survivors, what fortunate creatures we'll be! With my genes and hotboy's severe fitness regimes, we'll build a new super-race. What skills will you contribute?

Update: hotboy has now issued a fatwa against me. He's back to his old fundamentalist self. That's more like it.

Adolf! Heil! Not long now till the big boom in the aeroplane over Berlin!! I will take over the whole island after your demise. As far as skills are concerned, I have always maintained my uselessness. A servant would help. Hotboy

Adolf! Zeig! Have you got a hut in your garden? Once you've got rid of the adolescent, you could put me in your hut. I'd do the garden between meditation sessions and all I'd need is ra bob hope and ra occasional beer. Can you find me some nice young women? I might need a kamamudra. That would help! I promise not to charge you much. You could make friends with my visitors. Show off your hosen. That would help. Hotboy

24 August 2006 at 16:33

Months ago, even before the World Cup, I was tagged by the incomparable Lelly to write "Six weird facts/habits about yourself".

The Rules: "Post six weird facts/habits about yourself. These cannot be used against you later on! At the end of the post name the six people you will tag next. Leave them a comment to let them know they've been tagged and to read your blog."

Well, I've broken the rules in several places. I'm not tagging anyone (unless they ask me), and because this post was getting too long for an HNT, I'm going to save the heavy-duty weirdness about sex, chocolate etc. for another post.

Children. I have no kids of my own. There have been times when I have enjoyed looking after friends' kids, but I've never wanted to own one. I have a huge admiration for parents, but I agree with Jimmy Savile, who said "Kids? I love them, but I couldn't eat a whole one."

Like my father before me, my skills lie in raising dogs, not humans. Of course, if my father had stuck to breeding spaniels I wouldn't exist now. So I shouldn't complain.

My parents before I was born(click to see how my arrival changed their lives)

Yes, my father's dog-training skills were useful with children too. He brought up me and my brother using commands like "sit!" and "stay!" and "don't move!"

Conception. A one-night stand, decades ago, resulted in a daughter whom I have never seen, and even if I wanted to track her down, what would be the point? Let sleeping dogs lie.

Therapeutic inappropriate behaviour. I would love to have been a clown. I like to use shock tactics to make people feel good. With adults, I delight in inappropriate remarks and stories. At funerals and weddings, I specialise in the sort of tactless remark that leads to horrified laughter or sometimes stunned silence.

Or I'll brutally ask friends about their bodily functions, as if we were discussing the weather. I think I learned this approach when I trained and practised as a counsellor - you make people gasp, and some of their repressed feelings come spilling out.

With kids, a good way to loosen them up is to pretend to get things wrong. I'll sing them a well-known song with deliberately wrong words. For example, Madonna's song becomes: When you call my name, I'm like a football player, I'm down on my knees, I'll take the kick from there. Kids go mental when you get the words wrong.

Or if I'm looking after 2 children, I make sure I mix their names up. Or I might swear blind that Zinadine Zidane played for Zimbabwe. Kids love being able to tell adults off. This usually works well, though occasionally a kid reacts by clubbing the stupid adult over the head.

Housework. I find housework easy. At age 6 or so, I used to do the vacuuming in our house. My mother brainwashed me to believe that it was a big treat, and I'm glad she did.

But I don't like to do unnecessary work, so I try to streamline things whenever I can. For example, after cooking porridge for breakfast, cleaning the saucepan is a real pain. And then you're only going to dirty it again tomorrow morning. So why bother cleaning it? Instead, simply stick the porridgey pan in the fridge to prevent the stuck-on stuff from festering. Then tomorrow, just re-use it, and the heat will re-sterilise it. With this system, you only need to wash the porridge pan once a year, at the end of winter. Result - you get back several extra hours of your life, to spend doing other stuff. Like blogging about the time you've saved.

If you missed previous HNTs, you can access all the old half baked thursday posts here.

Rob, you are amazing!A daughter!? Wow, that was something I didn't know or expect to hear. I can only imagine standing there talking about the weather and you bring up bodily functions! That certainly would earn you some different looks if nothing else. I am glad your dad decided to raise a kid in addition to the spaniel, it would be hard to correspond with a spaniel.A clown? hmmm I would like to see that!Deliberate missung songs to kids, I bet all the kids adore you. You give them a reason to feel important around you and a good laugh.I will have to look again at the picture when I get home...I can click it here at work.Happy HNT!~xo

At LAST! I'd given up hope, like I have with Suze! ;) But Rob really, is this the best you can do? Hardly weird at all, sounds like the regular behaviour of most of my friends, only none of them have ALL your foibles! LOVE your HNT pic, thanks for playing!

Adolf! Zeig! What do you mean you've got a daughter? Of course, you should ... maybe not. She might have been nursing the illusion that her daddy was a film star or something! Dearie me. Her mother must have been drunk! Was it dark? Anyway, how's about the really weird stuff? Let's have it, Adolf! Nobody knows who you are except me and I won't tell ... just put the cheque in the post. That would help! Hotboy

at 14:00

Using the Next Blog button, I came across 4th Avenue Blues , by a guy who blogs, it seems, from his tent. If he can do it, so can hotboy from his tent at the Buddhist place, or from the bliss hut.

He seems like a good guy (not hotboy), and goes to AA meetings. I used to go to AA too, despite not being an alcoholic. I went for the acceptance and friendship. I know that's what they all say, but in my case it's true.

Next month with any luck, I'll find myself sitting beside an AA member in the plummeting fuselage. That would help.

Adolf! Heil! I haven't got a laptop. That would help. I didn't know you were an alcoholic. How did you do that on non-alcoholic beer? That must be a first. Maybe you went to the AA meetings to get off with drunken women. I wouldn't put it passed you! Did they through you out when you told them you could drink 14 pints of beer and still do the Times crossword. You're making this all up. Don't think we don't know! Hotboy.

Adolf! Zeig! "Through you out"? Why don't you join a church or something? Holy roller roll one time for me! They accept all kinds of nutters in churches! Hotboy. p.s. You should row a boat back to Blighty. It worked for me.

22 August 2006 at 07:38

If you want to understand the detailed metaphysics of a chair, or how to stand on your head while rolling your eyes inside your skull, hotboy's your man. But to know the real Scotland, you have to ask a tourist.

At What's New PussCat?, a blog written by an Australian visitor to Scotland, I discovered that loutish behaviour, which was the birthright of Scots males when I used to live there, is now an equal-opportunity activity. They're calling it "ladette culture".

The blog also tells you more than you probably want to know about Scottish food and Meat Products. Enjoy.

Adolf! Heil! As you might know, I've got the food thing cracked. Home made bread and soup, with a beer supplement! What more can a body ask for? Tins? No tins and no dead animal dishes, please! Hotboy p.s. Scottish folk used to eat nothing but oats!

20 August 2006 at 19:32

Until recently, most people thought that the worst thing about Gunter Grass was his work as a body double for Saddam Hussein.

Now the Nobel-prize winning novelist, has admitted he was in Hitler's SS as a teenager. He says that his public confession has been a great relief to him.

Of course now everybody's saying that the truth should have been obvious all along - his name even ends in "SS"!

There's another writer, a Scottish novelist, who has a secret past in the IRA Bellshill juniors. For obvious reasons I can't identify him, except by his operational codename of Madymira. I think going public would be a load off his mind, and might allow him to give up the self-flagellation.

Adolf! Heil! The Tim Drum is still a brilliant book! Also, the Pope was in the same boat. 17 year olds have no sense anyway! Also, I would like to own up now to my own nazi past. When I was seven years old I supported Glasgow Rangers. I could name the team yet! Where's your liebensra... stormtroopers now, eh? Hotboy

Gunter Grass is a bad man,huh! His names begin with G ...could that be as significant as his last name ending with SS?Ok, since you cannot tell about Hotboy, I won't either.I hope you have a great week.~xo

Wow, that must have been some sight seeing all of those bottles washed up on the shore.Once, when I lived in South Florida, they were doing some bridge construction (over the canal) in my neighborhood. There were hundreds of dead fish floating everywhere. A day later, I came home from work and there were vultures EVERYWHERE. There must have been 200 or more. It was a bit scary!

Adolf! Heil! It must be the uniform! If you want my advice you should go back to the flauleins in the leatherhosen. Lee Ann: Pity you didn't get a photie of the vultures! There are a lot of traffic wardens around here, but no vultures! Hotboy

Adolf! Zeig! If you're rowing to Blighty soon, I hope you have the business plan for the computery way of me getting lots of money for doing absolutely nothing at all. That would definitely help. Hotboy

15 August 2006 at 20:23

Ever since the dawn of time, when war happens, it's the young people who join the military, while the old and feeble stay safe at home and watch the whole thing on TV.

I know Americans and Australians who were the right age to be called up in the 60s for the Vietnam war. And when I was a kid, we had to go to school in military uniform every Monday, and march around a parade ground for hours. We were told that if there was ever a war, we would be called up first.

From my large collection ofembarrassing photos.Beat that Keda if you can!

Then as we grew older, people of my generation began looking forward to one of the perks of age - the right to wave off the next generation of young cannon fodder, and thank them for their sacrifice.

So I think it's bloody unfair that, just as I have finally become too decrepit to ever fight for my country, the whole deal has changed.

For one thing, the military would collapse if it had to call up people of fighting age - they're all too fat or surly or drug-ridden. Or they're too busy harming themselves to ever harm an enemy.

Also, the whole nature of war has changed, and we're all collateral damage now. Whose idea was that? I didn't agree to it. Bang (literally) goes my cosy retirement. What a swindle!

Next month I'll be taking a 23-hour flight to the old country via Heathrow, but my enjoyment of the in-flight movie might be spoiled by the thought that at any moment the plane could disintegrate. I may suddenly find myself gasping in the stratosphere at minus 50°, hurtling into the ocean, or plummeting towards Afghanistan. If I'm lucky, I may still be strapped to my seat. At least that should help absorb the impact.

To distract myself, I may have to take advantage of the 23 hours of free booze. What a fortunate creature I'll be!

Adolf! Heil! Are you sure they had teevee at the dawn of time? I'm sure it started with Moses and Charlton Heston. Also, you not knowing the geocities stuff ... well, I'm shocked. No wonder nobody gave you a PhD! And flying? Are you mad? Why can't you take a boat like Captain Cook? Buy a microlight and do it yourself. That would help! Hotboy

Go for the booze! I was on a plane once between Hawaii and Hong Kong with a group of Texas oil men... they drank the plane empty. The stop in Hong Kong lasted an extra hour just for restocking purposes.

good god man are you insane?? do you know what drinking on planes does to your skin???? and they won't allow you to carry on moisturisers either now. or even a good book.. oh bugger. i forgot. you dont do metrosexual and after that picture i guess a few wrinkles aren't likely to bother you either. and if there's to be no reading you may as well pop something, get wasted and snooze.

as for bettering that picture i don't think it can be done honestly. but i think my stories suffice anyway no? i will of course keep looking diligently. and send/post as soon as i come up with something better than dancing with invisiboy.

I've been trying out this new fangled MySpace, but so far, I have only two friends. One is the nice chap Tom who helps people with MySpace, and the other is a relative of mine in the Danny Cockroach band. Since joining, ever so many questionable young girls have requested to be my friends, but I have deleted every one of them. I have changed my profile to read that I am 99 years old, ad I hope this will put them off.

One has to keep up to date.

Perhaps Blogger is only for old timers like HotBoy etc?

I also believe that Lee Ann was on the juice when she wrote "Happy Wednesday, love me and the margaritas... sweet dreams!"

13 August 2006 at 14:55

Where I work at the McDonald Institute, the basins in the toilets were all installed by the institute director, who runs a plumbing company on the side. All the taps are dodgy - either full blast or nothing. And they're angled so the jet is deflected straight back out over the front of the basin, and all over the floor. Or all over your clothes if you don't know to step aside. A fine example of McDonald Island workmanship (and the McDonald Island business tendering process).

The day I went for the job interview, I went to the gents beforehand. At the interview, they said "Oh I see you've experienced our plumbing" because my breeks were wet all down the front as if I'd peed myself.

Still, I got the job. 11 years later I'm still there and so are the taps. I've learned how to sidestep the spray. What a fortunate creature I am! Some people have much bigger worries.

Adolf! Heil again! I was going to email this to you, but my email at work isn't working. Anyway, I got this from Geocities. What does it mean? The site only gets about 10 hits a week and most from people who stay zero seconds! I assume hardly anyone downloads anything. What I want to know is have I become secretly famous in the jungles of Borneo or not? Hotboy

We're writing to notify you that your Yahoo! GeoCities free web site http://www.geocities.com/madyamika2000 was unavailable to visitors 4 time(s) in the past 90 days because your site exceeded its bandwidth limit.

Bandwidth, or data transfer, is a measure of the amount of information that your web site visitors view and download. Your free GeoCities web site comes with a healthy 3GB of monthly bandwidth, which is measured each hour. Whenever you exceed that limit, your site becomes unavailable for up to one hour.

brilliant. its quite a good ploy actually. sorts the men out from the boys pre-interview. i approve.

hotboy.. i wished the girls still wore night nappies i could steal while we were camping a few months ago. and as for exceeding bandwidth ...how peculiar. i don't understand either. geocites weirdness. and that zero second thing. absolute hogwash.

that silly thing you guys did to work out your blogs worth confused me. i get a bout 100 hits a day yet am apparently worth a paltry $0.00

10 August 2006 at 17:40

Like most people, over the years I've learned from a lot of different people.

As a kid, my middle-class parents did a thorough job of beating the spirit out of me, so in later life I've had to re-learn spontaneity and mischief from my working-class chums.

One of my chums when I lived in Edinburgh was Biffo, a very funny and argumentative guy, who taught me how to win arguments.

One thing I learned from him was how to sabotage any discussion, using tricks like "there's new research that proves ..." or "98% of people agree that ..."

Another trick he used was confusing an irate opponent with irrelevant interruptions like "no, you don't need to apologise."

But one skill I never managed to pick up from Biffo was how to grope a woman friend while she's getting out of the taxi, though I saw him do it often. On the way home from the pub in a packed taxi, you pretend to help her out by placing your hand on her bum to steer her out, you just forget to take your hand away again as you follow her out. This also works when getting into the taxi. He used to do this to the woman I was nuts about, and whose bum I eventually spent several happy years exploring, though not in public.

Though I was always too polite to try out the taxi grope, I've lost my manners over the years, so I suppose I could probably pull it off now. Of course, I'm so old now that the only woman I know worth groping is my partner, and I can do that at home, no need to wait for a taxi ride.

I was reminded of Biffo today when I found an ancient birthday card that he sent me just after I had split up with Mary Hopkin. It contained this verse which he wrote to try and cheer me up:

I eventually fell out with him too, one of the best friends I ever had, my last remaining friend in Edinburgh. Soon after, trusting myself as advised in the verse, I jacked in my job, and escaped to begin a new life in Glasgow.

Mary, John Doe and Biffo,before I fell out with them all

I almost forgot to include a picture of a body part. This one's also from my album, and you can click it:

Mary sometimes made me a camembert sandwich(click to zoom out)

PS - Lee Ann has recently quit HNT while she's at her peak. I owe her a lot. It was she who got me started in the whole Half Nekkid Therapy programme.

so sad falling out with old friends. one of mine decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore during my last trip to london. it was shocking and still makes me sad. but maybe a few years down the line she'll be happier to hear from me. lovely story baby. and great pics, both. rather large feet you've got ;)happy hnt sweets

Adolf! Heil! Who ever understood hugging? What are these women about? Why are they hugging you? I never wanted to touch women when I were a lad unless ... then your old friend wants to hug you a lot. What is that about? Well, Adolf, agony stormtrooper, should I start groping her or not? I don't mean her bum. I mean groping her bumpy bits at the front. I suspect that might not get rid of her. How about giving me a two pronged plan? That would help. Hotboy

That grope thing started the wheels turning in my head. How many times have i been 'accidently' groped? Maybe none, maybe lots but, now I'll be on the lookout. Lot's of tricks I've picked up from my friends that have come in and out of my life. Didn't think of it until I read your post. BTW, you were asking about how I post my pics. I finally downloaded Firefox because my browser keeps freezing up on me. So, using the Firefox browser, I can upload pics really fast. Well, relatively. Like how you ended your post with the HNT shot of your feet. Happy HNT!

08 August 2006 at 17:47

I lost my equilibrium a few weeks ago. I suppose it started when I had the screaming neck pain, and I couldn't use the PC for a couple of weeks. I lost sleep and lost touch with my blogfriends.

Yet since the pain lifted and I got back online, I've been blundering around offending people all over the place, in my posts and my comments. And I almost triggered a diplomatic crisis here in the UnHeard Of and McDonald Islands, when I dressed up an attack dog as a St Bernard, and sent it up the mountain to sniff out the Buddhist fundamentalists. Worst of all, I've lost the will to drink. I've got about 200 bottles under the house, and I'm not doing anything to get it down.

I need to find a way to get my mind back into balance. I was going to ask you to help, but I realise nobody can fix it except me. Which brings me to a serious point about jihad and ijtihad:

Who can fix the problem of jihad?

Nowadays everyone knows the word "jihad", which apparently has several meanings including pious duty, struggle, war on the infidels, etc. As a westerner, it is easy to get caught up in the widespread assumption that islam has to be authoritarian, that islam equals jihad, full stop.

I saw a documentary recently where a French progressive muslim thinker explained some stuff. He pointed out that islamic fundamentalists teach that the west is the enemy of all good muslims. But he says that in fact it is easier to live as a Pakistani or Iraqi in the west, than to live at home. "Let's face it, in islamic countries there is no freedom. In Saudi, you're either a slave or a prince."

And he points out that islam has another word, "ijtihad", which means independent reformist thinking. So there is already a tradition of independent adaptation of islam, evolution of islam, which western muslims actually use to improve their lives.

Lastly, this guy said that western muslims are perhaps the only ones who can "fix" the problems of islam in islamic countries, by practising "ijtihad" to modernise islam.

Regular readers and Taoists will know already that everything balances up in the end. The time is long overdue for ijtihad to balance jihad.

If only the ghastly administration in Washington knew this, they would realise that the hundreds of billions they're wasting on the "war on terror" (i.e. finding helpless countries to attack and further destabilise, just to appease to U.S. voter fears) would be better spent on helping western muslims to modernise their religion. If western democracy is really so much better than Middle Eastern life (and I still believe it is), wouldn't it be good to be able to show that Western islam is also demonstrably better than anywhere else? Another $100 billion should cover it.

Of course it'll never happen, just like the Israel/Arab solution. The only back-up policy that the neocons have is called "Nuke Iran".

One ray of hope today - the American system is starting to pick off supporters of the Iraq war, starting with a Democratic senator. Is this too little too late? If the world can just limp to the 2008 U.S. election without another 9/11 or a major conflagration, it's just possible that the Republican posse will be disbanded before they can do much more damage.

Whatever happens, I'll be safe here with the penguins on the UnHeard Of and McDonald Islands, just as soon as I've destroyed the Buddhist rebel hideout. What a fortunate creature I am!

good for you babe. very good points. can't believe i came back from assos to find that they still haven't called a ceasefire. shameful. though as they have no shame i guess its more shameless.or not. whatever.. its a bloody disgrace. as i think i've said before.. i'm glad you are safe over there. do you have space in your cellar for a few refugees? i'll help with the bottles if it gets any hotter around here;)

Adolf! Heil! All I know about Islam is they haven't got a Pope. Everybody needs a Pope. The IRA are blowing the crap out of everything and they're supposed to be catholics, but if you ask the Pope, he's got to say: We're no intae that! This is all I know about muslims. It's going to take a while:I am not the bodyI am not the sensesI am not the mindI am not thisI am not thatWhat then am I? What is the self?It is in the bodyIt is in everybodyIt is everywhereIt is the ALLIt is Self. I am it. Absolute oneness.So that's supposed to be a sufi poem. You need to get a skirt and spin about, Adolf! I'm sure you could get into this sufi stuff. You get to bang a gong maybe. That would help! Hotboy p.s. Was hoping for some abuse of dwarves or some other helpless minority after your latest efforts. I mean, nothing's got anything to do with Australia. Drink the beer. That's how to integrate!

Adolf! Zeig! Is that a photie of you in drag? It is, isn't it? Thought you'd just slip that in and see if no one noticed, eh? Well, no chance! Do you think you need help or is it quite enjoyable? Hotboy

05 August 2006 at 12:39

Home brew. Nothing to beat it. Someone gave me a 24-pack of normal beer, Toohey's Ice, recently. I drank a bottle last night, up against another bottle of my own Canadian Blonde number 10. The Toohey's had no taste at all, the only thing it had going for it was strength, but that doesn't interest me. I'll have to give away the other 23 bottles. If hotboy will pay the postage to the other side of the island, he can have it all. He actually likes alcohol.

This weekend is turning into a great one. No weddings or funerals to go to. The sweet sound of the new brew bubbling away in the barrel. The beloved partner sick in bed with the flu so I can take her bowls of soup yet she's too weak to argue with me about anything. And I beat her at Scrabble, including 92 points for a made-up 8-letter word ("boardage") which turned out to really exist when I Googled it.

Last night I lay on the floor watching The Alan Clark Diaries on TV through the light-bending glasses, a warm black gundog lying beside me. Can life get any better than this? You'd hardly know there was a war on. What a fortunate creature I am! For now.

01 August 2006 at 13:41

One of the best ways to get ahead in today's competitive world is to claim some special consideration because of your unfortunate circumstances. I have friends working at the UnHeard Of University, and they tell me that anyone can get admission to a course without any academic ability at all, as long as they have some special handicap.

There are students who gained admission by being one-legged, or a single mother, or an indigenous islander.

But the fastest-growing area of access to privilege is through personality disorder. In most courses, several places are reserved for students with Asperger's Syndrome or other learning difficulties, and universities employ full-time disability consultants and counsellors. So it's a system that selects learners precisely because they cannot learn. Sadly, many of them flunk during the first term, but apparently that's beside the point.

Each application by a special student takes the university administrators a long time to evaluate (e.g. interviewing applicants, reading their life-stories, substantiating their symptoms, ranking their applications against all the other special applicants, etc.).

What is needed is an international system for grading personality disorders, to streamline the investigation and certification of people's problems.

This is why I am working on a project with Lee Ann and my colleagues at the McDonald Institute.

We are aiming to set up the world's first Institute of Advanced Personality Disorder. This professional body will have a number of functions, including standardising and regulating the award of qualifications such as O.C.D., N.P.D. and R.D.D.

Now is your chance to register and get in on the ground floor of the organisation, before standards are raised and it becomes harder to gain recognition for your disability.

Only genuine cases need apply. No time-wasters please.

late edit - I am grateful to the commenter who pointed out that this post can be interpreted as disrespectful of disabled people. I intended to take an affectionate swipe at institutions who, with the best of PC intentions, go out of their way to attract special applications, only to end up failing most of the students for whatever reason. I was also looking at the increasing medicalisation of problems, whereby half the people in the western world now warrant some disability acronym or other, NPD and RDD being a good example. I see now how this post could be read in other ways, especially by carers of people with real disabilities. I have several disabilities myself, some frivolous and some more serious. I apologise for any offence taken.

Adolf! Heil! At last an organisation I can join! I can lay claim to all the personality disorders listed, but would like to go to university (who cares if I'm thick! I just want to stare at young women and go to parties!) under the banner of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'd like to be catered for initially by being carried into lectures on a raised throne, carried shoulder high by great big Amazons.I'm practising how to sneer as I finish this. That might help when it came to being asked to do any work! Hotboy

HB - I said no time wasters. You used to claim to be neurotic. Face it, you're chronically normal. Apart from the bliss stuff, the eyerolling and the headstands. The plastic bag outfit. Have you thought of trying a pantaclava?

Eric - good point. I was trying to have an affectionate go at the institutions who, with the best of PC intentions, go to huge lengths to deal with the wave of special applications, only to end up failing most of the students for whatever reason. I was also looking at the increasing medicalisation of problems, so that half the people in the western world now warrant some acronym or other, NPD being a good example.

I see now how this post could be read in other ways, especially by carers of those with disabilities. I have several disabilities myself, some fictional and some more serious.

Adolf! Heil! Totally appreciate the backtracking on the question of whether thick people who can't learn anything should be excluded from the upper bourgeois realms of higher education. The problem is that everyone can type now. I used to be the only one. Then, when we went ot uni, only five percent of people (and almost no working class people like me!) got to join the academic elite. Now here in Scotland they're trying to get everyone to go to uni! Everyone has a degree these days apart from working class people, and they can blame it on the crap schools they go to. But even they can type. What I'm trying to say, Adolf, is that this is a big improvement from the days you used to advocate neutering everyone who wasn't tall and blond and handsome like moi. This is a good policy for me at the time as well. God, why does everything look wonderful for me!?Anyway, if we got a gun, who should we shoot? I'd like making a list. That would help! Hotboy

Adolf! Heil! Now that you've upset Eric who is, after all, a bit of a military expert compared to you or me ..well, my advice to you is sue for peace now at any price, and look out the dingy. That would help. Hotboy p.s no wonder your previous attempt at world domination failed. What a something head, or something as insulting! Hotboy again.