When Your Kid Goes Rogue

Eleanor has recess first thing in the morning, so her preschool drop off is actually at the playground. Which meant as I was walking back from dropping off paperwork, I got a glimpse of her alone on the swings (practicing how to pump her legs) while most of the other kids were in the sandbox or using the ride-on toys.

So what’s the problem you ask? Whenever I get a chance to sneak a peak at her at school, she’s typically alone. (It wasn’t until last May that she could tell me all 12 children in her class…)

Here’s the deal though… it’s NOT a problem for her! Eleanor LOVES school and loves her teachers and loves the activities and loves the projects. Bottom line, she’s WAY into it. Like I was into Michael J Fox or your 12-year-old is into One Direction….

…This is MY thing. My issue, and mine alone.

As parents, we all have our things. The stuff our kids do that we don’t envision for them or relate to. Maybe it’s that your son wants to wear a tutu to school. Maybe your middle schooler has decided that the Dungeons and Dragons club is their cup of tea. Maybe your daughter has gained a little weight. Maybe your son wants to grow his hair to his shoulders. Maybe your child will only wear black.

Point being, we have these moments as parents when our children start to diverge from our vision for them. Sometimes these are small moments like a child playing ping pong instead of soccer and sometimes they’re large moments like a child telling you she’s gay or not going to college. As scary and unexpected and potentially sad as these instances might be for us, they’re also evidence that we’re doing exactly what we’re meant to be doing as parents: teaching our children to think and act and choose for themselves.

Don’t think I didn’t google “antisocial behavior in children” and “preschool loner” and “what if your child would rather play alone…” What every article kept coming back to was: know your child. Being a loner is different than being lonely.

An INability to socialize is distinct from a preference not to socialize. So I bite my tongue. I ask whether she did any fun activities rather than who she played with. I try to get out of my own head and recognize that already… at the ripe age of 4… my daughter can make her own choices and decide what makes her happiest.

Please refresh my memory and remind me of this post when this is what my son wears to the grocery store in a couple of weeks…

Comments

Love today’s post Charlotte!! And love the grocery store garb!! Almost as a good as the 3 year old I met in the doctor’s office last week
who was wearing her bright yellow rain boots without a single cloud in the sky. She told me there were puddles somewhere.

Hugs to you Charlotte – the mom’s lot in life, to worry about her flock. My youngest, now a teenager is similar in nature to your Eleanor. I always thought of him as shy but recently read an article that differentiated between shy and introverted. He wants and NEEDS time alone to recharge his brain so he can deal with the stresses of his world (for him that is related to too much hw, girls…) My older, very outgoing son requested birthday parties every year as a kid…son #2 asked to just have a small family party until this year. He wanted his group (both boys and girls) to have a bowling party. I was thrilled – he’s overcome his shyness! First person to show up is a girl and I thought “this is going to be awkward” but he gave her a hug and animatedly carried on a conversation for 15 minutes until the next guests arrived. After the party I mentioned to him how impressed I was with this and he told me “I’m not shy mom, sometimes I’m just quiet.” That’s when I took to the google and started reading up on the difference between shy and introverted. I had him pegged all wrong – the signs were there for years. He is extremely bright and teachers would tell us that he would tune them out and go into his own little world because he wasn’t interested in what they were teaching. He used to play what he called his “imaginary game” where he pretended he’s a character in a video game – he used to say it was relaxing – and of course it was done alone. His alone time recharges his battery. He’s now in hs and we chose a smallish hs with advanced classes – he is flourishing – leadership positions in several clubs – excellent grades – and a fairly large circle of friends. But he still comes home on Friday afternoon and has what he calls freelaxation friday – just veg time – after which he can get back to the stresses of being a teenager. This is way different than my other son but it seems to be working for son#2.

Charlotte, Spot on as usual. we are going through a similiar issue with our 9 year old, only child, son…Our vision for what he was ‘going’ to be is very different that who he is ‘turning out’ to be…DH had/has a large curcle of friends. I was a bit of a loner with only 1-2 really good friends. Boy child is more like me and very disconcerting to his father…Boy child is into reading and history and his iPad world. DH is concerned that he doesn’t like sports or to ride his bike. I’m concerned he has only one really close friend who is going to adifferenct school next year. Its hard to trust myself that I’m doing the right thing by our boy but he is happy and smart and sweet…I’ll just keep my fingers crossed that all will turn out in the end. Thanks for more great insights.

Speaking as an introvert… It was pretty frustrating to me, as a child, when teachers and Girl Scout leaders and other well-meaning adults tried to force me to “join in”. I didn’t want to join in. My own games and goals were generally more interesting to me than what other kids were doing, and as I got older, I became consciously aware that other people are EXHAUSTING.

Now, as a teacher I spend all day every day with other people and I find classroom interactions rewarding. So I was not crippled by my childhood preference for solitude. And frankly I still need a certain period every day for quiet, for self-reflection, for recharging. For putting myself back together after my attention has been fragmented by the demands of others. Modern America has a very distinct bias against this: our culture tends to laud people for being friendly and outgoing, and to be disapproving or even suspicious of the quieter types. Even the phrase “goes rogue” strikes this tone; although I know you meant it to be funny, it wouldn’t be funny if we didn’t all understand the same cultural expectations.

I love hearing this perspective, Elizabeth… thanks! I like to tell people that I’m an introvert who pretends to be extrovert pretty well. I’m more than happy doing my own thing… never had a big social crowd or was center of attention, etc. etc. I agree the ‘gold standard’ for kids is the social butterfly maneuvering people and social situations with aplomb. Not much room for the quiet or shy.

City mom adjusting to life in the burbs… one DIY at a time.

Hi, I'm Charlotte! I'm fixing up our 100 year old house and artfully hoarding armchairs in the garage. My days are spent writing, painting, sanding, laughing and negotiating with our 5 kids.
You can read more about us here!

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