Fat's Fabulous

Are you fat? If so then France is the country for you. The government of President Nicolas Sarkozy has declared war on thin people. He wants the French, who are normally of petite physique, to eat more and to get really fat because being fat is healthy.

Accordingly, he has launched the "Fat's Fabulous" campaign.

The campaign consists of a set of regulations which all in France (permanent residents as well as tourists) would have to adhere to from Monday, February 1, or risk a prison term of 7 days and a fine of a 1000 Euros ($1500).

The regulations are as follows:

(1) No one is allowed to leave food on their plates when eating in restaurants, brasseries or bistros. Said Marie Mince, chairman of "Fat's Fabulous": "Anyone leaving food on a plate will be fined a 100 Euros($150) on the spot. There will also be a surcharge of 10 Euros ($15) per dish for thin people."

(2) Stores (department as well as boutiques) will add 20% to the price of all clothing (this includes shoes, hats and caps) bought by a thin person. Mlle Mince explained that this is because of the waste of cloth when, for example, a Size Zero dress or shirt is cut from a roll of very many yards of cloth. "The manufacturer can do nothing with the bits left over," she said.

(3) Stores will also add a 20% tax to designer purses and suitcases when these are bought by someone who is thin. "It's a fact that a thin woman has a problem carrying a large and heavy purse, and that a thin person finds it hard to pull a heavy suitcase, so as manufacturers have had to make these lighter and lighter, the thin would have to pay up," said Mlle Mince.

(4) Clinics and hospitals will automatically double their fees for thin patients. The explanation given was that thin people often get lost between the sheets or under the blankets which gives nurses and doctors extra work by having to find them.

The regulation that will however penalize a thin person most is that he or she would from February 1 have to pay for two seats when flying on France's national airline. The reason as given by Mlle Mince is that in the event of a crash the bones of a thin person could do serious damage to the passenger in the adjoining seat. "A collar bone can stick out an eye. A hip bone can smash a skull. Not even to mention what part of the anatomy can be severed by a femur. Therefore thin people should have no one sitting beside them," said she.

It is understood that Monsieur Sarkozy's wife, the former top model Carla Bruni, is to set an example by putting on weight. She will therefore from now always take half a dozen hot dogs with her wherever she goes. Said the First Lady: "I will actually be eating them, and I can already now tell you that they will be much tastier and nourishing than the merde that the Obamas and the Queen of England had given Nicola and me to eat."

The campaign will continue until someone (preferably a French woman living in New York) has written a best-seller on how to eat like the French to become and remain fat.

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