The explosion at Syaoran's funeral had been devastating. Fatal even, to some. Well, fatally hungry and lataii-less. Kamui glared at the ceiling in the darkness, his countenance distorting in extreme anger.

"Will Subaru-kun be alright?" Seishirou had asked from his position on the bed while half naked nurses fanned and cooed over him.

"He'll be fine, Sakurazuka-san." A nurse had reassured.

"He doesn't like to be alone," Seishirou pointed out. "Can you move me? I'll pay extra. To all of you. Privately." The Sakurazukamori leered.

The nurse speaking to him giggled and flushed red. "Really, Sakurazuka-san! Is it that important?"

Seishirou had looked aside then, worriedly. (Fucking faker, Kamui had thought, and was secretly pleased with how well that phrase fit Seishirou.) "It's really quite important."

Seishirou had managed to land in the same room as Kamui, which was blissfully wonderful. Kamui remembered snapping at that point 'getoverityoubigfuckingbaby.' The nurses had looked at him in astonishment for his language. (Haven't you ever seen a teenager before, lady?) And they were less eager to come to his – well, their room – his and Seishirou's – to pretty much pamper Seishirou like he was a god. Much grapes were fed, feathers fanned, but when they brought in the crown as the finally and announced Seishirou as the 'sexiest patient we've ever had in this damned hospital', Kamui had just about had enough.

He seethed beneath his blankets, bidding his time until night, when Seishirou would fall asleep. He knew the bastard was watching him, probably waiting to be able to make the first move. I'll show you.

Seishirou was tired. He'd been given too much medication – he'd broken both his legs in the explosion, and he was on life support. He desperately needed the sleep, but he didn't want to fall asleep in the proximity of Kamui. Unlike himself, Kamui wasn't seriously injured and was capable of doing something – Seishirou didn't know what, yet – when he was asleep. That was very bad indeed.

His forces were crumbling, though. Too strong medication was overpowering his iron will, and his eyes were near closing. He would close his eyes – for just a second. The strain in the darkness was making him dizzy…

Kamui grinned excitedly when he heard Seishirou's breath become slow and even within his oxygen mask. He waited a few minutes, pondering to himself what he should do. His grin widened with every terrible thought, and he forcibly kept himself from rolling over and squealing excitedly into his pillow.

All those years of humiliation – tonight, I'll get you back for them.

He remembered the first time he'd met Seishirou…

Xxflashbackxx

Kamui, when he was young and innocent. He smiled sweetly at the members of clamp, his cheeks staining red as he fiddled nervously.

"I-I… I want the part of Kamui because…." He mumbled.

Mokona immediately swooned. "You're hired!"

Kamui's eyes widened in disbelief. "But—But—" the entire speech he'd spent the days and nights and months writing, preparing, for this moment. It was not needed?

"You're so cuuuute." Mokona cooed as she hopped over to Kamui, and wrapped her arms around him, a happy smile on her face. "You're perfect!"

This was precisely when arrogance began to pollute Kamui's mind.

"Really, Mokona. You didn't even give him a chance to speak." Satsuki commented, eyes cryptic.

"Be silent! I do the characterization here, not you. Remember how we got Subaru?"

Kamui blinked. "Who's Subaru?"

Mokona sighed sadly… "Who's Subaru… Who is Subaru, really? A kind onmyoji, or the shadow of something darker? And now, that he's been destroyed – will he ever be himself again?"

Kamui forced away his disturbed expression. This woman needs help.

"Oh yes, I remember exactly how you got Subaru." Satsuki snorted. "You saw Hokuto on a train, began talking, and eventually offered her a cream-filled donut in exchange for her brother's soul - which you had never even met before."

"It was a good deal."

"That donut was mine! I sent you out to buy it for me! And you gave it to some… broad!"

Mokona gaped. "Satsuki! I didn't even know you were capable of such language!"

"Well, she is!"

"Yeah, she slept with my husband!" A voice cried from outside.

Mokona sighed angrily, and rubbed her temples. When she opened her eyes again, they were full of fury.

"SEISHIROU!" She yelled. There was no response. Kamui trembled and curled up into a ball. "SEISHIROU! March yourself in here right now!"

About a minute later, a young man strode into the room, buttoning up his shirt as he approached CLAMP, a lazy grin on his face. His hair was ruffled, yet clean, and the right side of his neck sported a dark bruise and bite mark.

Kamui's first impression was that whoever this stranger was, that they were extremely attractive, and he would have cut off one of his limbs to sleep with them.

Once his shirt was buttoned up, he ran a hand through his hair, smoothing it back out. "You called for me, madame?"

"Aren't you supposed to be guarding the premises? Some lady just yelled from outside! They're eavesdropping on us! You shouldn't be leaving your post to do…" Seishirou looked aside and rubbed the bruise on the side of his neck. "Whatever it is you're doing!" Mokona spun around in distaste. "I can't believe you, Seishirou…" Her voice broke off into a sob. "I trust you to guard this place… and you're having…you're having -- s—s—"

"Sex?"

"DON'T SAY IT!"

Seishirou sighed, and cautiously moved towards Appapa – stopping when he was just behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders, and rubbed down her arms soothingly. It seemed to Kamui that their ages had been switched. This "Seishirou" couldn't have been no older then seventeen – and Mokona was in her early thirties.

"And I techniqually wasn't having sex. Only my shirt came off. Don't think so lowly of me." Seishirou smiled easily and rubbed along the curves of Mokona's body.

"...You're so dirty, Seishirou…"

"But dirty in a very clean way." Seishirou purred. Kamui had never heard a human being purr before, but the throaty sound that came out of Seishirou's mouth when he spoke could be described in no other way.

"Um, hello? I'm still here." Kamui spoke up, annoyed to be ignored. He stood from his seat. "When do you want to start working?"

Seishirou, who was only just beginning to massage, caress and swoon his boss over 100 degree Fahrenheit levels, half smiled, half smirked at Kamui, before backing away from his now swooned boss (who had now completely forgotten why she'd called Seishirou in the first place) and snuck out of view. "Um," Mokona fanned herself with her hand, her face red. "Um… I don't know… Satsuki, when should we start?"

Satsuki sighed. "Tomorrow would be good."

"Tomorrow it is then!" Mokona announced happily. By now Seishirou had crept out of the room and went back to making out with whoever he'd been making out with. (Subaru.)

-

-

Wait, no, this isn't when I started hating him...

Kamui, now back in the real world, glared at the much sleeping Seishirou, as if the older man were to be blamed for his memory loss problems.

I don't even need a reason. This asshole is the root of all evil.

Kamui looked around the blackened room, his heart pounding from adrenalin.

Where is that… that…life support cord… damnit, it's dark in here…

He looked around hurriedly, in fear of being caught by one of the nurses. Quickly he ducked and knelt himself on the floor, trying to find the life support cord among the various wires. He felt like he was in an electronic jungle. His fingers fumbled and pulled at any cord he could reach.

Abruptly footsteps thudded near his door. Kamui froze in fear in spite of himself, just as he was reaching for another cord. There were whispered, hushed voices, and a loud, annoying, sobbing voice that could only belong to one person and one person alone.

"INUKI! Oh INUKI!" The girl screamed hysterically, and Kamui could hear her feet tapping as she bolted down the hall. "NO! It can't be true! INUKI!"

"Yuzuhira!" Sorata's voice called for her. Kamui could hear him sigh, but he didn't move significantly otherwise.

There was a long pause, one in which Kamui's heart began to pump even more erratically as he tried to remain as still as possible while wondering when Sorata was going to move or speak.

"Y'know missy… I've always wanted to have sex in a hospital."

Kamui's head slammed on the floor. His heart had just exploded.

"No."

"Please? With cake and sugar and icecream and a million cherries on to-"

"I can't believe the miss said something with enough life in it to require an exclamatory mark! And she said my first name!" Sorata cried out with glee.

"Sorata you were supposed to get Kamui."

"Oh, oh yeah!" Kamui flinched and immediately bolted to his bed in record time, snapped the covers over himself and shut his eyes in an attempt at impersonating sleep. His skin was beginning to prespirate.

Sorata jollily entered the room, took one or two seconds to find the light switch, then flicked it on.

"Hey, they put Kamui and Sakurazuka-san in the same room. That's a bit dangerous don't you think?"

Arashi glared like she was about to burst into flames from the simple, meager comment.

Sorata sighed, exasperated at trying to make the stone-like woman smile. He wandered over to Kamui's bed.

God damnit, Sorata, I'm going to get you back later for this…

Sorata's hands shot out and gripped Kamui's shoulders with a near painful force, and he jerked the teenager back and forth.

"Wake up Kamui! We have an emergency."

"Let. The. Fuck. Go." Kamui's eyes had opened and he was practically radiating wrath.

"A-Ah --- okay." Sorata pulled back nervously.

Kamui slowly sat up, and tried to calm himself. He wanted to strangle Sorata. A quick glance at Seishirou was all it took to know the man was alive. A thought bubble with dancing ice cream cones was floating over his head.

"Good, I hope she gets hit by a car." With that said Kamui twisted in the other direction and pushed his blanket over his head. He wanted to sleep.

Sorata sighed, and left the hospital room to meet Yuzuhira outside.

Curious despite himself, Kamui grumbled and threw his blanket off, and wandered over to the window, where he had a perfect view of the dilemma going on outside.

"INUKI! INUKI! SPEAK TO ME!" Yuzuihira screamed as tears literally flooded out of her eyes. Though Kamui could see Inuki but he knew the people surrounding the girl couldn't.

"Get out of the goddamn road! Stupid bitch!" The man who had hit the dog yelled. The people in the cars behind him were yelling equally bad obscenities.

"Just run her over!"

"Why is she just sitting there crying? Damnit! I'm going to be late!"

Eventually Sorata and Arashi emerged, and they knelt by Yuzuhira, trying to comfort her as she had a mental breakdown. From what Kamui could see Inuki had been hit in the head and his neck had been broken.

Not long after some people from the hospital staff came out. Kamui couldn't hear what they were saying, but eventually they were grabbing Yuzuhira by the arms and trying to get her into a strait jacket. "No, no!" She yelled in protest, desperate to stay by Inuki's side.

"It's alright, don't worry, whatever it is we can talk about it-"

"INUKI!" She screamed.

"Do you know this girl?" The doctor asked Sorata.

"Yes," He answered.

"What exactly is she crying about?"

"Um…." Sorata knew if he answered they'd put him in a strait jacket also. "I-I dunno."

"INUKI!!" She yelled before they tranquilized her and dragged her into the hospital.

Bored by this scene Kamui decided to go back to sleep.

meaNWhile

Fuuma had slept all throughout the day, and now he was too awake to go back to sleep despite the fact there wasn't any daylight. Subaru had been put in the same room as him, and it was sort of bothersome to have someone as beautiful as Subaru in such a close proximity and in such a vulnerable state. It was sort of like being told you couldn't have a slice of the delicious cake on the table right next to your face. But Fuuma controlled himself despite the image of Subaru tied by the wires of the hospital equipment, from his wrists to those long, slender legs of his, with thick bandaging wrapped around his mouth to keep his moans silen—

Goddamnit. Fumma cursed in annoyance. He got up from the his bed and began to change into his normal clothes. He needed to take a walk.

Seishirou would murder me if I touched him, anyway. He reminded himself, irritated. Why was Subaru so disgustingly attractive? The young man had an aura of sexiness that reached out and possessed everyone's mind. Even straight men wanted Sumeragi Subaru. It was almost likewise with Seishirou except, Seishirou was the master of swooning people he didn't care about. Subaru on the other hand, cared about everything and just swooned everyone naturally because of that fact.

Whatever.

Fuuma pushed those thoughts of his head and left the room. He decided to go on a mission to see if the cafeteria was opened, even though he seriously doubted it. He mostly just wanted to stretch his legs and "go exploring."

As he was walking he passed a door that was opened, and a voice very familiar to him was coming out of it.

"I'm sorry, but you have… AIDs."

"No!" Nataku cried.

"And you've never had sex with anyone other then this woman?" The doctor questioned. A deep, almost manly but definitely female voice answered.

"Yeah, he was a virgin."

Oh god, it's Kanoe. Fuuma hid before anyone saw him.

"You whore! You raped me and gave me aids!" Nataku sobbed.

"Oh be quiet, I saved your life. No one would have ever had sex with an "it"."

"If he claims to have been raped I'm going to inform the authorities," The doctor warned.

"Oh shut up I hadn't had sex in the past five minutes, what do you expect me to do? Just masturbate forever?" Fuuma heard the click of a lighter.

"No smoking in the hospital!"

"Shut the hell up or I'll rape you too."

"…." That promptly silenced the doctor.

"Just tell us how to fix him." Kanoe continued.

"W-Well.. um.." The doctor continued nervously, "I don't really… know… how… we would do that.. with a… genderless…. Person…"

Fuuma could hear Natuku crying. Quickly, before Kanoe could see him, he bolted across the doorway and fled down the hall as fast as he could.

She's so scary! He thought, terrified, as he rounded another corner, his hand clutching at his chest. He felt like he was going to sob. Kanoe had a similar effect on him as Kotori did.

Oh god… Kotori… A flashback rushed to him.

--

"Um… Kotori… what are you doing?"

Kotori smiled up at him. She was sitting at a gravestone, painting it indigo.

"I'm painting, onii-chan!"

"…But…" He hesitated, "…that's a gravestone…"

"I know, isn't it so pretty?" She said, looking away and stroking the rock back and forth with her brush. "It's such a pretty color isn't it, onii-chan?"

Fuuma felt sick to his stomach. Abruptly Kotori pulled out a gun, and Fuuma's eyes went wide. Oh god! A gun! He'd never seen one before, as handguns were strictly illegal in Japan. They were something that only existed in a fantasy world to him far, far away, or in the television. Kotori pressed it to her head, and his heart sank.

"I wanted a pretty gravestone," She said, smiling up at him, before she blasted her own head off. Brain bits and blood went everywhere. Fuuma screamed.

-

-

Back in reality Fuuma hugged himself and trembled, shutting his eyes tightly as tears leaked out. He liked that Kotori had killed herself but she had said something so creepy, it had given him nightmares for months. He'd only been 10 years old at the time for god's sake.

"Your mama's so fat…"

Fuuma forcefully wiped the tears from his eyes and peaked to see where that had come from. There was a roaring of laughter soon after the sentence had been spoken. When he looked into the nearby open doorway, he saw a bunch of doctors in an operating room, shirtless with beers in hand and no patient on the table. Fuuma stared because, most of them were freaking sexy. Rawr.

"This one time," A man with black hair with blond highlights began, grinning. Fuuma's eyes narrowed. He would look good tied up. "This patient asks me 'do I have cancer?' and I just started laughing." Some of the doctors spit out their beer or choked on it, and everyone began to laugh. Someone smacked the guy with blond highlights on the back as he snickered.

"You're so horrible!" One of the shorter men exclaimed, grinning open-mouthed.

"I know, I was just pretty drunk at the time." He said with a shrug.

Fuuma covered his mouth to keep himself from making a sound, but continued to watch.

"Your mamma's so fat…" A guy in the corner said with a dazed look on his face. His hair was wet, and Fuuma suspected it was wet from the pouring booze on it. He was obviously the drunkest one in the room. "When she jumped, she got stuck."

More laughter ensued. It was getting pretty obvious to Fuuma that all these doctors were drunk off their asses. Hmph! And they tell us not to drink! He thought in mild annoyance. He then decided to go back to his room because the author decided that scene was totally pointless and too random for the nonexistent plot of this story.

"T-Toya… stop it… not here…" Yukito whispered frantically, face hidden underneath white bangs. His cheeks were burning hot as the man in question gave a sugarcoated smile and pressed his younger 'friend' to the wall of the trailer. Yukito bit his lip and then gasped as Touya bent down and caressed his neck with his lips.

The set was a disaster. Random CLAMP characters of various mangas were running in all different directions, either shyly or with arrogance.

"Chi!"

"Hideki…" The robot fell over with a flutter of her eyes.

"Chi! Chi! Speak to me!"

"Hideki… Hideki… my special place… only you can touch me there…"

Hideki suddenly smiled perversely. "Wait! I can touch you there now!?"

"I'll lose my memories…" Hideki fell over. He buried his face in his hands so no one could see him sobbing his virgin (literally) tears. Why must you punish me god? He took out a knife to cut himself.

After he was done he glanced at Chi, innocently playing with the frills of her dress. Fuck it… maybe I should just rape her…

Kurogane scoffed and rolled his eyes. Fye was sipping a latté and smiling to himself.

"Kurooo-riiin." He sang. Kurogane tried to ignore him. This was not easily done seeing as how Fye was dancing around him.

Eventually Kurogane shoved Fye away and found who he was looking for.

"Hey, can you tell me where I can find that bastard 'Seishirou-san' guy? We never finished our fight!" He exclaimed angrily, sword in hand, glaring furiously.

Mokona sighed. "It doesn't matter you would have lost to him anyway."

"What!" Kurogane yelled, ears flaming red. "I would not have!"

"Um, yes you would have. And everyone knows it."

"It's trueeee Kuro-rin," Fye sang. Eventually Kurogane grabbed Fye by the throat and strangled him. But seeing as how Kurogane is annoying and Fye is awesome Fye managed to shove Kurogane off, and then use his super amazing magical powers to annihilate Kurogane. Cheers erupted from the entire CLAMP gang with Kurogane's death.

"Should we even bring him back to life?" Satsuki asked. Mokona shrugged nonchalantly as she watched Chi chase a butterfly across the set. "Mokona, are you listening? What are we going to do about Sakura? She's ruining clamp's name!"

"We still have her contract. I've got the best lawyers in Asia. We'll get her back."

Satsuki's mouth drew into a thin, annoyed line.

"DON'T touch my hair! HEY YOU! What are you looking at! You better not be looking at my hair!" Hinoto screeched like a banshee as she stroked her long pale locks with amorous swerves of her fingers. "My beautiful, beautiful hair…" She kissed it.

The man she had yelled at had been moving a light across the set. He stared at her dumbstruck. Christ, that must take 500 million galloons of shampoo and conditioner to wash.

Behind Hinoto Syaoran (from cardcaptor sakura) stood poised with a pair of sizzors, and evil glint in his eyes as he snipped bits of the woman's hair clean off. Luckily since Hinoto was paralyzed she did not notice. Her hair was too heavy to turn her head around fully anyway.

Mokona stared at the set, eyes empty of expression. This is a nightmare.

-

-

-

-

-

"Alright… so you're saying…" The shrink began, "That… your dog…"

Yuzuhira wiped a tear away obnoxiously and scoffed and the doctor's blatant terminology. "His name was Inuki," She said with a sniffle, and then her face crumpled and grew red again as she began to cry once more. She clutched her chest, bending down and hugging herself. Her life partner, her soul mate, her lover was-!

"Miss… um… no one saw a dog out on the street," The doctor said quietly. Yuzuhira sat up, hatred burning in her eyes.

"Inuki EXISTS!" She roared angrily, and stood up, climbing up the chair and stomping like a child. "He EXISTS! He EXISTS!" She paused to gasp, "And you know what I think doctor- I think you think I'm CRAZY! I'm not crazy! I'M NOT CRAZY," She stomped harder and screamed wildly.

This bitch is crazy, the doctor thought, terrified. He grabbed his phone.

"Matsura, get me some horse tranquilizer pronto!"

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" She screeched one last time and chucked herself out the window, glass and wood shattering with the impact of her body. She screamed all the way down until she hit the pavement below.

The doctor sat there, a stunned look on his face, just as Matsura burst in with a needle handy.

-

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A/N: Does anyone else agree that Kanoe is the creepiest character clamp has ever made? And not at all in a good way.

I like how in Chobits clamp always tries to make Hideki out to be such a "good guy" but he really is just a stupid pervert. It's a shame because the art in Chobits is amazing.

Wow, I haven't updated this in a million years.

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.