Cover-up In Swimming World Isn't Pretty

August 10, 2000|By Rick Morrissey.

INDIANAPOLIS — As is my habit before every major swimming meet, I have shaved my entire body for the U.S. Olympic Trials, nose and ear hair included, in case you were wondering. It gives me that sleek feeling on deadline.

But now, if I understand the controversy correctly, I am going to need a full bodysuit just to keep up.

(As an FYI, I will continue tapering my adjective use for the Olympics.)

They've gone a little crazy here at the trials. There are men walking around with long-sleeved swimsuits that start at the neck and go down to the ankle. There are some women showing only a little more skin, which we now know to be a terrible thing to have if you're a competitive swimmer. All of this tells me that swimmers will do just about anything, including looking like the Clampetts at the cee-ment pond, in order to go faster.

"Why is this an issue?" freestyle star Jenny Thompson said.

Because you look bad! If we want to look at someone who looks bad in a swimsuit, we'll look in the mirror.

"I think the suits look great," said Kristy Kowal, a breaststroker.

Would someone tell the emperor that he is wearing a full bodysuit and that he looks like a complete doofus?

No. No one is going to say that here because the suits have helped swimmers go faster. Tom Malchow acknowledged that he would not have broken the world record in the 200-meter butterfly earlier this year had he been wearing a traditional suit. But he believes he eventually would have, which counts for something, though I'm not sure what.

If this keeps up, swimming is going to turn into golf. I just know that Speedo is going to find a way to get titanium into the bodysuit. Technology in golf is such that Jack Nicklaus can still be competitive despite being 60 years old. Can we bring back Johnny Weismuller?

"What's next, are they going to have a suit that you paint on?" said Megan Quann, a 100-meter breaststroke favorite.

Hmmmmmm. Nude swimming. Not a bad idea. The backstroke alone would make swimming the most popular spectator sport in the world.

The powers that be are missing the point. These are some of the most finely tuned bodies in the world, and swimming is allowing them to be covered up like a government conspiracy. This is no way to make a name for the sport.

(And speaking of names, some of the entries in the trials include Dod Wales, Brad Bridgewater, Cara Lane, Brooke Bennett, Shelly Ripple and Cami Sink. And my favorite, apropos of nothing, Beau Wiebel.)

Who are we kidding? Beach volleyball is popular for no other reason than bodies and skimpy suits. I had this discussion with beach star Holly McPeak at the 1996 Olympics. I said her sport sold sex, pure and simple. She disagreed. Then why the bikinis? Because they're more comfortable, she said.

Yeah, nothing like the feel of a thong riding up ... oh never mind.

This is what the elite swimmers have going for them: incredible bodies and incredible lungs, in no particular order. Nothing wrong with that. Market it.

As with other sports, swimming is under a perpetual cloud of suspicion because some athletes have tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in the past. The thinking goes that anything that gives swimming more attention and doesn't have to do with drugs is good.

Therefore the bodysuit is good.

"You feel like you're on Tron when you have one on," sprint star Neil Walker said. "People clicking through the TV might stop at the trials instead of going past it. That's what we need. We need some exposure."

Which would seem to bring us back to nudity.

The bodysuits are popular among elite swimmers because they help the athletes ride higher in the water, thus cutting down on drag. Proponents say they feel faster wearing them, and if they feel faster they might go faster.

"It feels kind of like I imagine a shark does," Malchow said.

These people need to be saved from themselves. There shouldn't be technology in swimming because there shouldn't be any equipment, except for arms, legs and water. Make everyone wear the same traditional suit. Wear a bodysuit and you have to shave every inch of your skin with a dull razor.