‘America’s Got Talent’ and some great semifinalist acts (finally)

I AM LATE WITH THIS. So, quickly, here’s what you need to know: The last 12 semifinalist acts performed, 6 acts will move on to the finals and Howard and Howie kissed for some reason. Onto the performances:

D’Angelo & Amanda, Dancers

The tiny dancers perform to Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal,” ending the dance on a water slick floor. They’re good and proficient, and Amanda’s legs are a natural wonder (again, it feels creepy to be talking about a 13-year-old child in this way, but there’s no getting around it) but the dance itself is not nearly as powerful as their earlier tango.

Mel B. acknowledges that they are technically talented, but that the routine only caught her attention when they were in the water. Howie doesn’t think this is their best performance and that they didn’t step it up. Howard declares Howie wrong, and notes that dancing in water is dangerous. When Howie attempts to clarify that he understands this, Howard yells at him to stop interrupting him, and the two bicker until Heidi brings the topic back to the kids and their sparkly outfits, which she liked. Because Heidi is momentarily confused and thinks that she’s on her other show, apparently.

Marty Brown, Singer

Marty, who had a terrible performance last time — like, a painfully bad performance — sings Rascal Flatt’s “Bless the Broken Road.” It’s fine. Marty is a gifted singer, he’s very likable and it’s clear that he just had a bad night the last time he was in Radio City Music Hall. But all that said, this performance was not particularly memorable or inspiring.

Mel B. tells him there were some quirky notes in there and that he wasn’t ”spot on.” Howie tells Marty that he proved him wrong about not being able to handle the pressure. Heidi notes that he as 100% better than the last time. Howard says that Marty didn’t connect with the audience.

Chicago Boyz, Acrobats

The Chicago Boyz do their Chicago Boyz thing: jumping, flipping, trampolining, etc. But this time around, they add a bit where they sit on each other’s shoulders three people high, and then skip rope with two ropes! It’s crazy! I have never seen anything quite like it. Watch the video — it’s worth it. And the crowd, deservedly, goes berserk.

Howard jokes that he’s disappointed no one broke their leg, and notes that they are phenomenal athletes. Heidi finds them truly inspiring. Mel B. thinks they are “off the hook.” Howie declares them a “headlining act.”

Leon and Romy, Magicians

Leon and Romy were brought back by Howard Stern, for some reason. They manage to cram approximately 97 magic tricks into their 90 second act and yet not one of them is memorable or exciting or new. It’s not that they are bad, exactly, it’s that the act is old-fashioned and unoriginal.

Howard claims that he’s glad he brought them back. Heidi found them visually exciting and likes all the pretty assistants. Mel B. calls it “proper magic.” And Howie gives Howard a standing ovation for bringing them back. He and Howard then kiss. It’s not pretty.

Anna Christine, Singer

The 11-year-old sings Rolling Stone’s “Wild Horses” with amazing maturity and depth. It’s a great, powerful performance by anyone of any age. Heidi and Mel B. give her a standing ovation and she earned it.

Mel B. tells the other singers that they should all be scared. Howie calls her amazing and tells her that she has a terrific sound. Howard announces that he is going to call Bon Jovi and demand that he perform a duet with her. Heidi says that she has a sneaking suspicion Anna has the strongest voice of the night. (Spoiler alert: She does.)

Kenichi Ebina, Dancer

Alright, so I was skeptical of Kenichi last time, mostly because it didn’t seem like the performance he gave was new, it was just his audition enhanced with technology. I am willing to admit when I am wrong, and I was wrong. Kenichi once again performs with a video, this time it is designed to look like a mirror, and it is visually amazing. The precision required to make the video look like a mirror is remarkable — if his timing was off in the slightest, the eye would catch it — but he wasn’t, and the effect it leaves is tremendous. He is clever, funny, and a delight to watch. Kenichi might just win this thing.

Howie declares him the biggest talent in the world, which might be a little strong. Howard applauds him. Heidi says that he has elevated his act to a new level of genius. Mel B. calls him mind-blowing.

John Wing, Comedian

John Wing does his old cranky man shtick, this time about marriage, and it’s pretty flat. He’s not a bad comedian, and he deserves to have come this far, I guess. But he’s not as funny as Taylor Williamson, the other comedian still in the competition, and he doesn’t need to move forward, frankly.

Howard says he deserves to be voted for. Heidi likes his relatable everyman’s thing. Mel B. hopes America embraces him. Howie reminds us for the upteenth time how hard it is to be a comedian.

Branden James, Opera Singer

Good news: Branden and his family are getting along better since he has been on AGT, and his whole “wah, my family doesn’t love me because I am gay, but my mother is here supporting me, so it’s not like I was kicked out the house or anything, in fact it’s more like a vague sense of disapproval, boo hoo, me,” thing wasn’t just a sob story designed to get him on the show, you skeptic. Anyway, he sings Heart’s “Alone,” but in Italian? And opera-y? And it might be because I dislike that song with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, but I hate this. I hate everything about this. I don’t hate Branden, but I desperately want him to go home now because of this terrible, terrible song choice.

Heidi calls him the total package. Mel B. notes that the camera loves him. Howie doesn’t really say anything other than that the competition is mind-boggling. Howard didn’t love the song, either, and doesn’t think Branden made a connection.

KriStef Brothers, Strength Act

Back from their horrible head injury, this time the KriStef Brothers perform as inept magicians (it appears to be a tribute to G.O.B. from Arrested Development — and for that fact alone, I am rooting for them). Soon they are doing their balancing thing, which is always impressive. They end the act by swallowing swords and then balancing on each other’s heads, which is CRAZY.

But! Then! When the judges are talking to them, one of the brothers (Kris or Stef, who knows) is playing with the sword and accidentally reveals that it is retractable. Way to ruin the illusion, dummy.

Heidi wants them to win the whole thing. Mel B. loves the combination of strength with comedy. Howie admonishes them for giving away that it is a trick sword. Howard finds them inspirational.

American Military Spouses Choir, Choir

The spouses sing Sarah McClachlan’s “In the Arms of an Angel,” and it’s alright. Actually, you know what? I take that back: if we’re being honest here, it was boring and not particularly engaging. I think their backstory is inspiring and we owe these ladies our respect, but I don’t know that anyone owes them their vote.

Heidi thinks their song choice was perfect. Howie warns that we should judge them on their talent and not on to whom they are married — which is a fair point, even if it is booed by the audience and other judges. Howard agrees with Howie and calls the performance merely “pleasant.” Mel B. thinks they are good singers, but wonders if they are good enough.

Timber Brown, Acrobat

Timber does an aerial routine over a pool which he occasionally dives into. When he is swinging from the ceiling, you take your eyes off of him, but every time he dives into the pool, he loses the crowd. The addition of the water element doesn’t really add anything to the performance — at best it’s a distraction, at worst, it detracts from the sense of danger. Timber is one of my favorite performers this season, but I think this routine was a misstep.

Howie points out that Timber got tangled up at some point (something I missed altogether), and notes how dangerous the act was. Howard didn’t find it as exciting as previous performances. Heidi loves him, but agrees with Howard. Mel B. thinks that he is magnificent.

Jimmy Rose, Singer

Jimmy, the other country singer in the competition, sings “If Tomorrow Never Comes” by Garth Brooks. Again, it’s fine, but it’s not particularly memorable or magic. Jimmy seems like a very nice boy, and I wish him the best, but not, necessarily, the million dollar prize.

Heidi believes he sang from his heart. Mel B. declares it “well bloody done.” Howie thinks he did a great job on an amazing night. Howard wasn’t blown away.

If it were up to me, the 6 acts to move forward would be:

Kenichi Ebina

Anna Christine

Chicago Boyz

KriStef Brothers

Timber Brown

D’Angelo & Amanda

But I suspect Marty Brown will move on, because America seems to love him. For some reason.

Which semifinal acts should have moved on to the next round on America's Got Talent?