Monday, August 18, 2008

I was already expecting a long line at the book store at school today, since classes just started, but I guess I wasn't prepared for the amount of stupidity while standing in line. I nearly blew a blood vessel in my brain listening to the idiots behind me in line.

It's getting to the point where it just seems like people are becoming so stupid that it shouldn't be possible to be so stupid. This one stupid girl had absolutely no idea what volume control is. It's like she didn't realize that in a crowded area full of frustrated people waiting to pay several hundred dollars for a stack of text books didn't want to hear about her goddamn stupid friends and their lame drinking escapades. Usually any time I hear anyone talking about how cool their friend is and how they have to meet them because they're the coolest person they'll ever meet, I know they're an idiot. Great, your friend sleeps around and drinks a lot. I'm so impressed by this original story. Sweet, you talk about drugs, you must be awesome. No one wants to meet your stupid friends and no one cares about you. Stop talking.

I listen to this bitch complain about how long the line was as she tried to sit on a pile of books, successfully knocking something over. I just roll my eyes and try not to throw the entire stack at her shallow skull. She started talking about watching The Maury Povich Show and how she loves it. She just kept getting louder because people around her were pretending to listen to her. Everything she was saying sounded like "I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid."

I swear I'm going to have a heart attack by 25.

Here's one of the worst parts though. There was a TV with the Olympics on and it was baseball at the time. This kid asks "who is that Japan? Oh well they all look the same." I don't know how you could make the mistake, seeing as though not only were their shirts red, but there's also the fact that their goddamn shirts say CHINA in big letters on the front. How can someone be stupid enough to say something like that, let alone make the mistake?

I get farther up in line and get close to the registers finally and this crusty old broad in the line next to me starts complaining to the guy letting everyone through about how she's been waiting there for 45 minutes. We all have lady, you aren't special. It's not really the cashier's fault that it's taking so long, it's the fact that everyone waits until the first day of class to get books. Plus there's people still paying in checks. I was expecting this to happen, people need to just get used to it and shut up and wait in line like everyone else. I said "good luck" to the lady who was at the register. If I were that lady, more people would have been punched in the face.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Recently I've been thinking, if people can sue for all these stupid things they feel are worth suing over, why can't I sue movies for insulting my intelligence? I might as well. Then while I'm at it, I'll sue all the ugly people for insulting my vision. Anyway, back to my point.

First off, I'd like to say that anyone who goes to see Disaster Movie is no longer my friend. From the two pieces of shit who brought you Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans, comes another uninspired lump of crap that will most likely leave you punching the movie screen. Who is letting these people make movies? Honestly, there's no one out there who said "oh man, I sure do hope those two dick-for-brains movie makers make another one!" If there is someone out there thinking that, please kill them. If you want to help keep another bomb from dropping, don't see it, don't let anyone you know see it, and if you see anyone at the theater buying tickets, use a little something called violence to persuade them into thinking twice.

Now, I hate protesters, hippies, and activists, but it's time to take action in a way that's actually productive. Threats, tons of hate mail, and sheer laziness. Find out where to send Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer the hate mail they deserve, and make sure to send them some. Then, don't see the movie. If this movie makes money, you're risking the possibility of another one coming out. These assholes won't get the picture until they're poor. They don't seem to understand how shitty their movies are, they're hardly comedy movies, because comedy implies laughter taking place at some point.

So, I personally love watching bad movies, but when I say bad movies, I mean movies that are funny, but they aren't funny on purpose. For example, old horror movies were supposed to be scary, instead they were usually more entertaining because they were so poorly done. A good bad movie is often times bad because of a low budget and unintentionally bad acting. This movie is not a bad movie, it's a terrible piece of shit. There's a big difference, they're trying to be funny... it just never happens. Don't see it, because no matter how long you wait for something funny to happen, it won't. Why can't parody movies be funny anymore? The Airplane and Hotshots movies were entertaining, then again the people working on those movies were actually funny. Don't tell yourself "I just want to see how bad it is." You know it's going to suck ass, don't give them more money.

If you absolutely need to see a movie in theaters, for whatever reason, don't make it Disaster Movie. If someone is about to buy a ticket for it, smack the money out of their hands. If someone is talking about it in a positive way, punch them in the gut. If someone asks you if you want to go see it, tell them they're no longer your friend and hit them.

So remember kids, protesting is for idiots, send hate mail to the writers, threaten whoever you can, and whatever you do, don't see it.

Don't let this movie make any money. You can hear this bomb is about to drop, so instead of being hit by it, get the fuck out of the way.

About Me

Ian Covelli is an audio engineer and musician in Illinois in the band CrankPope, as well as the solo projects Satan's Basement, The Astronaut King, and DJ Fartbot. Other bands and collaborations have included "Suffering Luna with The Astronuat King," Torpedo Minefield, DJ Fartbot Vs Kirche Gothika, NoComply (2008-2013), and The Violent Sheep (2005?-2006?).