Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of vodka, a pack of Pringle’s, the remainder of bottle Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake an a box a chocolates. You have no idea how bloody good I feel. I could fuck a Duck…!

Do you reckon they called the ‘Saw’ films saw so that people would say:
“Did you see saw?”
“Yeah I saw Saw.”
“Did you see Saw 2?”
“I saw Saw 2 too”
“Did you see Saw 3?”
“No but I saw Saw 4″
“What did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?”

“Well yes, ” I replied, “the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again, and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. ”