Disclaimer
: Sadly, Saiyuki does not belong to me. I wish it did =) Don't sue
me, I don't have any money anyway.

Random
Notes: This is the "other side" of What Doesn't Kill. The
same rainy night, this time from Hakkai's POV. I realize that this might
sound like in one night Hakkai has convinced himself to move on, but really, he
hasn't, he's just taking the first steps down a very long road.

The Buddhists believe that all life is
suffering. I wonder if this is what they had in mind.

The
scar on my stomach pulses with the steady beat of the rainfall. Each drop
of rain on my bare skin reminds me of the drops of blood that fell. Hers,
mine, theirs. We all bled that night over a year ago. And as the rain
falls, so does the blood fall in my mind. A constant reminder of what I've
done, what I've become, what I've lost…

I
realize now how foolish I had been after the Sambutsushin allowed me to start
over. I had hoped that in becoming Cho Hakkai I could leave Cho Gonou
behind and in leaving him behind I would leave the memories behind as
well. I guess for the most part I have, but on these rainy nights he comes
back with a vengeance and I've learned it is easier to let him out for awhile
then to hold him back.

But
tonight is different, tonight I am trying to hold him back as I walk on in the
rain. I am walking towards the same thing I walked towards that night, the
only difference is that then I didn't know what it was. But I know
now…Gojyo is waiting for me. The thought of him sitting in that little
house wondering where I am makes me smile despite how horrible I feel right
now.

The
Buddhists believe that suffering is born of desire. I want Kanan back, that
is undeniable.

I
loved her and love her still…

…I
failed her once and the price I paid was her life. I would do anything to
be able to go back and try to save her, and if I couldn't, I'd kill them all
again…

See,
it's hard for me to keep him back sometimes. I am his doorway and the rain
is his key. He comes and goes as he pleases.

Sometimes
it's nice to have someone who can relate on the same level. I mean, he is
me after all. But as much as we are each other, the similarity does end
eventually. Indeed our suffering is born from the same moment, when Kanan
ventured from this mortal coil to a place we could not follow. Gonou wants
nothing more then to have her back and I...well, I used to feel the same. Now
though, I want nothing more then to forget the pain.

The
Buddhists believe that to find salvation, to reach Nirvana, one must eliminate
suffering. To eliminate suffering, one must eliminate desire.

I
used to think that moving on would be betraying her, but by not moving on I am
betraying myself. I made the choice not to follow her and yet I still walk
through life as a ghost.

Gojyo
told me once that the past is the past and one can either move on and learn
from it or fall victim to it. He is rarely so profound and I've begun to
take the words to heart even if the man himself doesn't exactly practice what
he preaches. He understands me quite well, perhaps even better then Gonou
does.

Will
Kanan understand if I moved on? Gonou won't, but that's a demon I will
face later. And I suppose that if he never forgets I never will
either. And really, that's OK. Once I can let her go, remembering her
won't be so bad.

I
long for the day that remembering her won't be like suffering the tortures of
the damned, when remembering her will be nice.

In
the distance I see the little house that Gojyo and I share.

Gojyo…

Gojyo,
who would probably disappear in a sea of trash if I wasn't there to clean
up. Gojyo, who had picked me up soaked in mud and blood. Gojyo, who had
saved my life and watched over me. A man that was screaming on the inside
just as much as I was. Perhaps we called out to each other that
night. Perhaps it is our pain that keeps us together now.

The
lights are on, but I wouldn't have expected anything else, even if he isn't
playing mother hen right now, it's far too early for him to sleep.

As
I near the house, I begin to wonder if he really is sitting there
waiting. I want him to be there but that doesn't mean he will be. I want
the looks that pass between us to mean something. I want the tender smiles
and the unspoken words to stand for something. If they do, then perhaps
there is hope for both of us, perhaps there can be peace.

I
lower my head as I get closer to the walkway that leads to the door. I
could say it was to shield myself from the rain, but I know it's just to
protect myself from what I might not see.

When
I reach the beginning of the cracked path I slowly raise my head and never in a
million years would I have been able to hold back the smile that now spreads
across my face. Gojyo is sitting at the window, as I thought he would be,
and he is smiling too.

I
resume my walk to the front door, wondering what this means for
us. Wondering what this means for Gonou, for Kanan, for myself. When
I open the front door I see Gojyo standing there, towels draped over his arms,
a look mixed with joy and sadness on his face and I know what it all means;
something is ending and something is beginning.

Gojyo
begins to wrap me in the towels and while I know it would be better if I
exchanged wet clothes for dry ones first, I do not stop him. His touch is
firm, yet gentle. The look on his face is scolding yet kind. His eyes
are on fire…and he is whispering in my ear…he is thanking me. I nod my
reply. I may not know exactly what he's thanking me for, but I have a
feeling I've got plenty of time to find out.

I
can feel Gojyo's strong arms wrapping around me as I close my eyes and take in
his warmth. I can hear his heart beating as I nuzzle my head against his
chest. I can feel his breath upon me as he rests his cheek against my
forehead.

And
for the moment, all else is forgotten. Gonou, Kanan, the rain, the
blood. For now they are quiet...

The
path to enlightenment, to Nirvana, is long and arduous, but even the longest
roads must start somewhere.