Monday, July 20, 2015

At first, you suspect that it’s not to be believed. So said Bird Dog atthe Maggie’s Farm blog. It feels like someone’s idea of a parody about men who
pretend to be feminists. Besides, the internet has nothing more about the author
Michael Sonmore than a reference to this article from New York Magazine.

So, either it’s a hoax or the author is so ashamed of his
new status as cuckold that he has chosen to write under a pseudonym. Yet, for all we know he is telling his wife’s many lovers that they have nothing to fear from him. Without
any help from a therapist Sonmore has rid his mind of all traces of jealousy,
along with all traces of dignity and self-respect.

Besides, if he used his real name, the story would be online
forever. Therefore it would likely have been found by his children and their
friends when they get old enough to do internet searches.

Naturally, he wants us to know that sharing his wife with
other men makes him a bona fide feminist:

As I
write this, my children are asleep in their room, Loretta Lynn is on
the stereo, and my wife is out on a date with a man named Paulo.
It’s her second date this week; her fourth this month so far. If it goes like
the others, she’ll come home in the middle of the night, crawl into bed beside
me, and tell me all about how she and Paulo had sex. I won’t explode with anger
or seethe with resentment. I’ll tell her it’s a hot story and I’m glad she had
fun. It’s hot because she’s excited, and I’m glad because I’m a feminist.

How did things get to this point? Well, Sonmore has
withdrawn from the world of work, the world of manly competition, to become a
househusband. For reasons that are readily understandable he still considers
himself to be working and still sees himself to be a provider. He is not
providing in the traditional manly sense, he explains, but he is providing
care.

If he knew how to use the language and did not feel the need
to distort it in order to cover up his shame, he would say that has been
nurturing his young children.

For a man who insists that he is a feminist and who proudly
dons the horns of the cuckold the notion that his housework affirms his
masculine identity is risible… or, it would be, if it was not so sad:

In this
way, my masculine self-image was stretched but not broken. Diaper bag
notwithstanding, I was still a Man. It wasn’t
until my wife mentioned one evening that she’d kissed another
man and liked it and wanted to do more than kiss next time that I realized
how my status as a Man depended on a single fact:
that my wife fucked only me.

Sonmore does not put it this way, but we do know, from other
studies, that women tend not to find househusbands very desirable. That’s the
underlying and unrecognized message here: Sonmore has been acting like such a
weakling that his wife does not want to fuck him anymore. She does not put it
this way, but surely this is the issue here.

Sonmore does not have a real choice. Since she is supporting
the family, he has no choice but to acquiesce.

He writes:

From
everywhere comes the message that what I’m doing is for weaklings, losers,
failures, pussies; that if I had money and status, I could
keep my wife “in line”; that her self-discovery comes at the expense
of my self-esteem. My open marriage has made heavy demands
on my ability to silence the voice of doubt in my head,
that gnawing feeling of worthlessness. But I find I can meet those demands, and
that I am able to build my self-confidence out of nothing more than
the basic dignity we all possess. I’m grateful to my wife for
pushing us to take this leap, and whatever happens to us in the future I would
do it all again. And when she comes home tonight and crawls into bed beside me
with a hot story about her date with Paulo, she’ll do it all again, too.

It has nothing to do with keeping anyone in line. It has to
do with sabotaging a sexual dynamic by playing the role
reversal game.

Naturally, Sonmore has larded it all over with psychobabble,
but the truth does shine through.

5 comments:

Curious, I actually read the original article. This quote is interesting, showing the role reversal complete. The standard is supposed to be that men worry about physical fidelity, while women worry more about emotional fidelity. So the perhaps the implication the "dependent one" is more worried about being abandoned while the "independent one" is worried his/her hard work outside the home is earning loyality from the dependent one.

"What surprises most people is when I tell them it’s not the sex-with-other-men that bothers me. The sex is the easy part, the fun part. It’s what the sex connects to, stands for, reveals that can be difficult. I don’t want her to fall in love with anyone else, and every time she goes on a date, I confront the possibility that she might. It happened at the beginning: The first person she dated after we opened up fell hard in love with her, and my wife, overwhelmed by his ardor, tried to love him back. Watching it happen, I was confused, angry, and terrified that she wanted to leave me. She assured me she didn’t, and whatever feelings she had for him didn’t lessen what she felt for me. Believing her then was the ultimate trust exercise. We survived because eventually I did believe her, and also because I learned to trust myself."

I have a hard time judging, either the lifestyle or the honesty of the author. Is he deceiving himself? Is it temporary experiment or something that could last a lifetime? Is this really about the "househusband" part, or would this dynamic have happened anyway?

I knew one couple in an open marriage, and that began with the wife wondering if she was bisexual, so at least that holds a lower threat to a husband maybe? While a woman cousin of mine married a man who wondered if he was bisexual, and asked for permission to experiment, and she said no, and they divorced. Another woman I knew said her brother was living with a childless married woman and her husband, and he claimed he was in love with her, and the sister totally disapproved, but couldn't break this "Siren call" or see she was "using him". So children involved at least in any cases. And they all had impressive honesty in my book.

All that sort of says people like their fantasies, and you can wonder how to "control" anyone who wants something you're not, or don't care to be. And "sex" really might be a small part. What if you like to dance and your spouse does not?

Another approach is "serial monogamy" where people hit their "7 year itch" and get bored, no matter how "perfect" their spouse is. And from my direct observations, like my divorced female cousins, that seems to be more of a woman's vice than a man. With the possibility of financial independence, it seems women can "fall out of love" or other rationalization.

I admit, if I was married and childless and my spouse wanted to experiment with an open marriage, I'd be more likely say "Let's experiment with an open divorce, you do your thing and figure things out, and come back if it doesn't work out." At least life seems too short to worry about relationships, and there's lots of interesting things to do with my time.

But I admit, when there are children involved, and especially young children involved, I'm more judgemental. You shouldn't be thinking like a single person any more. Ask "If you knew your inattention would lead to your children's suffering, would you still want to do this?" But if the answer is "yes", that shows a greater suffering needs some solution, since resentful people make poor parents I think.

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