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Despite its failure to attract any contestants at all, a government-backed Argentinian television network is going ahead with its proposed new game show: "Who Wants To Be President?"

"We believe we have a unique concept here," a spokesman claimed. "Instead of the winner taking all, the loser will be forced to become president."

Upon further questioning, the spokesman admitted that the very prospect of becoming Argentinian president is also the biggest drawback in the show's concept, "but we're working on it." It is unclear at present whether the "loser" (president) will be chosen through a vote of viewers or a vote of the other contestants.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get it built," the spokesman said.

Ornery Reports staff are experiencing difficulties in tracking down reports that Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe is so desperate to hang onto control of something that he has offered his services both to Argentina and to Enron Corporation.

Enron Corporation officials acknowledged that, while Mugabe has years of experience running an economy into the ground and seeking to corrupt the political process, they do not plan to contact him should the position of CEO come open.

"We are perfectly happy with Kenneth Lay's performance to date," the source advised.

Meanwhile, the US will be using 2,000 military personnel at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to train for work in one of the remaining growth industries in the US - prisons.

Said a spokesman, "we figure once these soldiers have handled Taliban and al Qaeda prisoners, they'll be ready to move right into positions with federal, state, and local prisons and jails guarding just about anybody."

Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, calls Guantanamo Bay the "least worst" place to which the US can send captured Taliban and al Qaeda prisoners. He refused to answer press questions as to what location would be the "most best."

Rumors persist that the US would have housed these "unlawful combatants" at the proposed Yucca Mountain nuclear waste dump if not for the strident opposition of environmentalists.

"President Bush himself admits that these al Qaeda and Taliban detainees are highly dangerous (read: toxic to the environment), so why should we Nevadans have to suffer them on top of nuclear waste?" said one.

Bush administration officials, though maintaining "there's not a dime's worth of difference between terrorists and nuclear waste", succumbed to pressure in an effort to shore up the president's stance as "a friend of the environment."

Bush administration officials also moved to quash reports that the importation of al Qaeda and Taliban "unlawful combatants" into Cuba signalled a softening of the long-time embargo against that island nation.

"While it is true that Cuba's crop of domestically-trained terrorists has lagged far behind the times, we have no intention of lifting the ban on terrorist imports," said a source. "We are simply training military personnel to become corrections officers."

Finally, the Republican Party has issued a blanket denial of persistent reports that it "has been in bed with" various energy companies.

"We state unequivocally that we did not have sex with those corporations," a Republican source declared.