COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

Women & Firearms

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one’s self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: “The ultimate in feminine protection?”
A. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
B. I’m amazed the pigs have no law banning women’s T-Shirts.
C. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days.”

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
A. All you’ll ever need.
B. Like I’d use yet another phallic symbol.
C. The signal to open fire.

3. The movie “Thelma & Louise” was:
A. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence.
B. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
C. A training film.

4. What was technically wrong with the scene in “Thelma & Louise” where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer?
A. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche, I mean pointing guns; let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
B. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm only one man; not realistic at all.
C. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboard of the cruiser.

5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
A. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
B. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse?
C. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor, Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You reply:
A. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
B. Yeah, like I’m supposed to stand there and let old fat gut Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs!
C. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!

7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
A. Obscene! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
B. What’s a bra?
C. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of my shoulder sling.

8. Define “male.”
A. The first syllable of “malevolence,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
B. An animal with a one-track mind. A brute who feels the need to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women everywhere.
C. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
A. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
B. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the male-dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat secure.
C. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
A. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
B. As many as I had, assuming the male-dominated firearms industry would sell me a gun, let alone ammunition in the first place.
C. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance like that to express yourself and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam

* If 8 or more of your answers were “A” – This indicates you’re a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when the rest of us are done with it.
* If 8 or more of your answers were “B” – Hey babe, you’re stuck in the 60′s sweetheart. Loosen up! A full 12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men now. I mean, like, what more do you want outta us poor males?
* If 8 or more of your answers were “C” – Don’t feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in “Bride of Rambo”.

This Isn’t What It Looks Like I Swear

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“This morning I was outside milking. An as soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left to a pole.”
“I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right to a pole too.”
“As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail and I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.”

“As I was tying up her tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!”

Questions About Australia From Potential Visitors

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor…

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Men Do Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses the words were not coming easily.

‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’

‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’

‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

A is for the automobile which he doesn’t own.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn’t know I had.
E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn’t something or someone better to do.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as I was walking out the door.
I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
J is for jugular, the one I’d love to sever.
K is for kinky, he always started without me.
L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.
O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.
W is for wife, the one he said he didn’t have.
X is what he is to me now!
Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.
Z isn’t for anything, just like him, he ain’t anything either.

A Blond In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Five Rules To Remember In Life

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

How To Give A Cat Medication

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Or you could just crush one pill in between two soup spoons, mix in to cream cheese and serve cheese/crushed pill to cat as he licks it off your finger.