Their baby died. How can I ask them for their baby stuff?

Their baby died. How can I ask them for their baby stuff?

Kate de Brito

–,
Wednesday,
June,
15,
2011,(8:12am)

Dear Bossy: I have a question for you and your readers.

I’m seven months pregnant to my boyfriend. My cousin (we come from a tight as family) had a stillborn baby about a year ago.

She and her husband have heaps of baby stuff that they obviously don’t need, and they still haven’t got rid of any of it. I figured they were keeping it because they were pretty torn up when their baby was still born, and then I thought maybe they were keeping it to give to me because their baby was a boy, and my baby is going to be a boy.

But I’m due soon, and she still hasn’t offered me any of the baby stuff. Do you think it would be OK to ask her for the baby stuff?

She and her husband seem like they’ve moved on, and they haven’t mentioned anything about wanting to have any more kids.

I would be happy to give the stuff back to them when my baby has grown out of it. I just don’t see the point of all the baby stuff sitting there not being used when I need it.

How do you think the best way to ask them would be?

Bossy says: You figured they were keeping their stuff because they were “torn up” about their still born baby. Ya think?

OP, there is no “best” way to ask them. Just don’t ask. If they wanted you to have the stuff they would have offered. And they haven’t.

There is a reason they haven’t. And it’s not because they forgot you were seven months pregnant.

It’s a big assumption to say they have moved on. My guess is they have not moved on at all. They may well be hoping for a new baby and plan to use the stuff then, or they are still grieving the loss of the last one. Most likely a combination of the two.

It may seem simple for them to hand over their things but I suspect there is a lot of emotion tied up in all that new, unused baby paraphernalia.

I get that you think it’s going to waste over there. I agree it would be good if someone got some use out of it.

It’s also nice of you to offer to give them back all their stuff after you’ve used it.

But the answer is still no. Don’t ask.

If they have not offered it’s because they can’t, for reasons too personal or painful for you to understand. If you ask you will either be putting them in the difficult position of having to say no or forcing their hand to say yes when they don’t want to.

Don’t ask. It may seems a pity but you’ll simply have to buy your own things.

Have Your Say

I almost dropped my coffee in my lap - and this looks a lot like my face while I was reading this load of dog turd.

Em replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (11:33am)

I’ll see your and raise you a , Sarah.

Seriously… WHAT THE FUG????

Who seriously does that? Who is that self-absorbed to want to ask for the baby items from someone who only fairly recently lost a baby?

And this vapid creature is breeding....

I’m with Ethel today. I weep for society.

artchix replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (11:47am)

l totally agree.

I’m absolutely horrified that you would think it is even slightly appropriate to ask or expect ANY of their baby stuff. Stop being a tightarse, grow some empathy and buy your own. As an expectant mother yourself you must surely have some understanding of how horrific it would be for your baby to die.

*shaking head in disbelief*

Mahhrat replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (11:58am)

Agreed, Sarah.

The fear I have is for what the kid is going to learn, growing up with this kind of parenting.

Semiotic replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (11:59am)

I feel sorry for the baby about to be born, can you imagine having this creature for a mother…
Your parents should have been prevented from breeding and there is no way on earth that you should ever be having children. You are an evolutionary mistake, do the rest of us a favour and stop insulting us by pretending you are human.

CT replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (12:59pm)

Hey - while she’s at it she should ask for the income that they would have spent on the child throughout its life - I mean, its not like they are going to need it now! I mean they probably don’t need their parenting skills either - why not ask for those and whilst your at it - why don’t you just tear their hearts out and GIVE YOURSELF ONE! Wake UP - if you are as close as you say you would realise what an idiotic suggestion this is!

wookii replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (01:55pm)

Repeat after me.

I am an A grade arsehat.

Do it. Keep saying it. Look at yourself in the mirror while you say it. You see that person? She is an A grade arsehat.

When karma bites you it is going to hurt. A lot.

angel replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (02:14pm)

That’s disgusting. Do not even go there you idiot. Stop being such a self centered tight arse and buy your own things. How dare you.

Debbie replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (02:43pm)

OMG - I have nothing more to add as these comments cover it all

omgwtf replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (04:07pm)

ARE YOU FOR REAL????? ARE YOU F**KIN SERIOUS????

YOU IGNORANT TIGHTASS!!!!!! Hey maybe if you had ever been smart with your money you may have kept some on the side in case anything like this happens. Umm, especially if you are having unprotected sex or if it was a planned pregnancy. You are an idiot. Is it really worth upsetting them further by making a big deal about it. Leave them alone. Gee, the nerve some people have.

I was unfortunate to loose a baby at 21 weeks pregnant, and I can tell you that loosing a much loved and longed for baby is the most gut wrenching and saddest time of my life.

Why should they give it to you? Did it ever occur to you that maybe once they get over this agony they are in they may want to try for another baby?

Go and by your own stuff. I really am sad to think that the empathy that your child will get in their life. People like you shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

Inna replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (10:34pm)

Despite all the comments on this blog that SCREAM out to not ask, the fact that you have written for advice indicates that you don’t believe your friends & family, who would have initially confirmed everyone’s advice here as well.

Your preoccupation with yourself is unbelievable & your inability to emphasise with your cousins’ position & thoughts is testament to your crushing will to want to ask, just to prove everyone else is wrong.

So go ahead & ask (you know you want to) & confirm to us all what the “perfect parents” are capable of. You can then finish up by whining & whinging to others about why you were knocked back & all without the faintest idea that the whole thing is a reflection of your innate selfishness.

Sheridan replied to SarahR
Wed 15 Jun 11 (11:27pm)

OP, give yourself several ginormous uppercuts..

Adrian Raftery replied to SarahR
Thu 16 Jun 11 (01:06pm)

Dear Editor or Bossy

Please delete this page as it only gets us angel parents all fired up about how insensitive some people truly are. Grief is a terrible thing. When we lose a loved one we hold onto absolutely everything that we have when they leave us as a reimnder. Grief doesn’t go away - it stays with angel parents forever ... they simply learn how to cope a bit better over time. We are haunted everytime we see a pregnant lady or a newborn. We simply ask “What if?”

I lose it when I see my next door neighbour wear one of my deceased dad’s shirts ... I could only imagine what emotion would go through me if I saw someone wearing Sophie’s PJs or playing with one of her toys.

This lady will dream of having an angel but we got to hold one in our arms.

Adrian Raftery replied to SarahR
Thu 16 Jun 11 (01:09pm)

PS - on second thoughts tell the lady to ask them for the baby stuff. That way the angel parents will realise what an insensitive bitch their cousin really is ... tell her where to go ... and then scrub her from their life forever more.

My advice is clear on this one, do not ask them, it is highly likely that you will create a major rift between you guys. Yes it may be idle, yes they may not be using it, but you do not know where their emotions lie, you do not know what their plans are for trying again and so forth.

Unless they offer, stay well clear of asking for it. You could subtlety ask from where they purchased the stuff and it may open the door but I think your just better off avoiding altogether, Losing a child such as they did must be a gut wrenching feeling, my brother lost his at 8.5 months and endured a still born, to this day 12 years later he is still grieving, and being a parent myself I get that.

Yes there are always worse case scenarios, but when in the depths of ones despair very few people think of that.

Best of luck when the upcoming birth, but my suggestion is still the same, go and purchase your own stuff, ebay can offer some great saving if you look for it. Enjoy the fruits of becoming a parent, there truly is nothing better, at least for some anyway.

That’s what i thought - she doesnt know their plans. Just because they haven’t openly announced they’re trying / planning for another baby, doesn’t mean they’re not. In fact, i can imagine after a still birth a couple might even keep a pregnancy under wraps until a fair way into it..

I find asking in any situation weird. Even if they had a child that was 1 now, far too big for the newborn clothing and equipment, its still not cool to ask. They’re not blind, they know she’s preggas, so if they wanted to offer they’d offer.

MummyDearest replied to Sokrates
Wed 15 Jun 11 (09:03pm)

What Bossy said (but only not so nicely)

I agree with Bossy…
you just can’t ask that. You have no idea what they went through and what they are still going through.

And how much it would hurt to see your gorgeous little baby bopping around in things meant for their own child.
I can’t imagine how painful that would be. And then to be reminded every time they saw you, OP? Don’t even think about it.

Downunder replied to Emily
Wed 15 Jun 11 (06:29pm)

There is no way you can ask and not expect to have your eyeballs clawed out. I lost my son in 2007, its 2011 and I’m pregnant atm. Both boys. I still have the items I bought from my stillborn boy.

There is no way in hell I would have EVER given my child’s stuff to you. No way. I wouldn’t care if you were my own sister. Do you have any idea how deeply disturbing it would be for that poor family to see your baby in their babies cot?! I mean seriously, grow a brain woman.

Stop being a cheap, tight-assed whiny bitch. Buy your own shit. Your baby shouldn’t come at the expense of anyone but YOU.

The OP’s post is so disgusting its hard to believe its not a troll.

A sense of entitlement in these situations could only be from a narcissist.

I can’t believe you would even THINK of asking this. Maybe they are trying for another baby but want to keep it quiet. Maybe they want to try again in the future but it’s too painful to yet. Maybe they want to turn the baby room into a shrine! It’s their baby things. They actually don’t have to justify this to you at all. No matter how badly you need these things- go and get your own. You can find some great sales or even second hand items that have never been used if you look around. Either way you CANNOT put them in the position of asking for these baby things.

Agree completely with Ally.
OP, you sound pretty young and like your pregnancy has come easily and without any scares, which is great for you and I hope it continues that way.
Your cousin and her husband have had an extremely traumatic experience and you will probably add to their pain if you ask for their baby clothes.
Maybe you could try talking to them about your pregnancy, and how they feel about it. I’m sure they’re happy for you, but it’s also a reminder to them of their loss.
They may well offer you some of their items.
But you really can’t ask them for the baby things. You just can’t.

KM replied to ally
Wed 15 Jun 11 (01:09pm)

I think regardless of the situation it’s rude to ask people for their things just because they’re not using it!
I mean how many random household items would be up for grabs from to friends and family if this woman’s logic followed through.

I sincerely hope your hormones are making you a little coocoo OP, and this is not how you normally think, as your question is not only rude in normal circumstamces… it’s completely tactless in this instance.

Self-absorbed cow. Didn’t this tight-knit family of yours teach you you’re not the only important person on the planet? Hopefully you never feel the pain of a stillbirt.

My wife and I had a still born child over 18 years ago. At the time I remember wondering why people didn’t undertsand what we were going through. It’s because there are heartless bitches like you in the world. Have you thought what they’d be thinking each time they look at your child with their child’s stuff on?

Have you thought what they’d be thinking each time they look at your child with their child’s stuff on?

EXACTLY. What a heartless person you are OP.

Donna Martin Graduates! replied to still not over it
Wed 15 Jun 11 (12:33pm)

For what it’s worth, you have my undying sympathies. *hugs*

Dragon replied to still not over it
Wed 15 Jun 11 (02:18pm)

You poor love.

A close friend of mine lost her baby at 11 days old. That was 7 years ago and she went on to have twins, but she will never get over losing Zane. When the twins were born, they had all new things. Zanes clothes and toys had never been touched, but my friend couldn’t bear to see even her own children using them.

The OP is an extreme case of selfishness, SNOI. Of course no-one can truly understand what you went through unless they’ve experienced such a tragedy themselves, but there are lots of people out there who do have empathy, I promise.

AngelMum replied to still not over it
Wed 15 Jun 11 (05:54pm)

I am so sorry for your loss 18 years ago. 9 months ago my son was stillborn at full term with no explanation except “it’s just one of those things”. I can’t imagine ever being over it...sure I’ll learn to manage my grief but if people imagine that they will never stop being parents to live children how is this any different. We will never stop loving our baby or get over him. A part of my heart will always be in a bubble stuck in time when I gave birth to Ryan and held him and said goodbye.

Brody Swan replied to still not over it
Wed 15 Jun 11 (09:03pm)

Dragon,

I was in a slightly different but slightly similar situation as your friend.

My wife’s first pregnancy was twins and they were born 3 months premature. Sadly, one of them died at 9 days so we have a constant reminder of her with her sister. That was 16 years ago.

To this day, I resent the obsession with twins, particularly at the start of the school year when A Current Affair and Today Tonight go gaga with stories of new twins in Kindergarten.

As we still had to use some of the things for our surviving daughter and we had a son 4 years later, it was good that we weren’t leeched upon by people wanting our stuff.

TheHardLine replied to still not over it
Thu 16 Jun 11 (03:09am)

Stillborn baby (not child) over 18 years ago and you’re still not over it??! Ridiculous! Let’s put this sad incident into perspective, shall we? I lost my brother, and I’m sure that losing an adult, teenager, or child is far, FAR more devastating and painful than losing an unborn baby that never spoke one single word to you.

I lost my brother, whereas you lost someone that you never even knew!!!

Not only did my mother lose a son (my brother), she also suffered her first pregnancy being a stillbirth. It’s quite clear which event was more painful.

Yes a stillbirth is a very painful experience, but don’t say rubbish like “I’m still not over it 18 years after it happened”.

That said, I completely agree with the general consensus that the OP is being an idiot. How on earth did the OP fail to consider the *obvious* possibility that they are keeping the stuff because they intend to try again (as do most people).

You’re kidding, right?

If you are responsible enough to have a child, you are responsible enough to buy your own stuff. Don’t rely on handouts.

And I hope your son inherits a sensitivity gene from your partner because he sure as hell won’t get it from you.

Ooooh. OP, parents do not just move on from losing a baby. After a year, the shock will be gone, but not the sense of loss. That will stay with them for life. If they haven’t offered you the baby’s clothes, its because they still want them. Perhaps for memories, perhaps because they are indeed hoping for another baby, but they just don’t want to talk about it.

In either case, it would be both presumptuous and insensitive for you to ask for the baby’s clothes. Buy your own clothes and be grateful if you have a healthy baby.

OP are you for real? Are you really that insensitive and crass as to go asking them for their baby stuff? How about you put yourself in the other persons shoes there for a moment princess. How would you feel if it was you? But I forgot. It’s all about you, isn’t it. To hell with how anyone else feels as long as you get the free stuff.

Wow… that’s incredibly insensitive for you to think you’re entitiled to use their baby items just because they’re not using them this very second. It might seem like a “waste” but it’s their stuff and they’re obviously still grieving over the loss of their child. A year is nothing.
Grow up and buy your own baby stuff.

Wow, steer well clear of the whole topic. Risk vs benefits.
If you go and spend $500 on baby gear that you didn’t need to, it’s still worth it to keep the peace and treat the with the sensitivity that is appropriate.
I’m sure if you hurt your cousin by stepping on a mine in this veritable minefield you’re talking about trying to cross, you’d gladly pay $500 to a magical time-travel machine-man to go and take it back. So don’t go there to begin with, even if there’s a chance she’d give you the stuff. Not worth it, especially considering there is no such thing as time travel!

Ya know, I used to be an opportunist like you, and then I grew up and learned what it was like to imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Such as, how would I[ feel if some incredibly insensitive, selfish and completely self-absorbed witch asked me for all my no-longer-necessary baby things because I had just suffered a devastating miscarriage.

As Bossy points out: “If they wanted you to have the stuff they would have offered. And they haven’t.”

OP, Judging by the selfish way you have written your letter, you will probably need to hear this 100 times, so I don’t feel bad repeating the sentiment of others. You can NOT ask for it. Whatever they chose to do with their things is their business. It’s probably hard enough for them to see you pregnant, but to ask them to see your child using the items they prepared for their child would be heartbreaking. It’s not just materialistic stuff; it’s their hopes and dreams. You would have to be one of the most self absorbed people to ever write to Bossy.

Hey OP,
You are responsible for the provision of items for your offspring - not your grieving cousin.
If you can’t afford to care for your kid DON"T HAVE ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
By the way, after you have bought a flat screen TV with the baby bonus there might be some left over for “baby stuff”.

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