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Reasons to break up with someone you still love

Forever is one word we associate with love more than any other, but there are times when you have to set that love free even if you have trouble imagining life without the person. Such a breakup is doubly hard because you don’t suddenly stop loving someone, even once you’ve accepted that a future with them is not possible. It is a tough call to make, but here are a few situations where a split is essential for both of you to thrive.

Your priorities are mismatched

Popular sitcom, Friends illustrated two common issues couples fight—and part—over. Monica Gellar breaks up with boyfriend Richard when she finds out that he never wants to have kids. In another instance, Phoebe and Mike decide to move in together, and while Phoebe thinks it is a step closer to getting married, Mike tells her that he never wants to get married as he’s lost faith in the institution. After learning this, she calls it quits since she doesn’t see a future together. Differences in priorities can often break couples apart as this hinders one person’s happiness in the relationship. “It is important to remember that even the most ideal relationships don’t work out,” says Dr Kedar Tilwe, psychiatrist at the Hiranandani Hospital, Mumbai. He advises priorities be discussed early on, such as thoughts on marriage, kids and their future plans, and if there is a mismatch, the couple should decide the course to follow. Being in an unhappy relationship does not just take an emotional toll on you, it also affects your partner, as well as your health and career.

It’s a toxic relationship

Divya*, 22, was in a relationship with a guy for three years and despite the emotional abuse she endured, she did not want to break up with him. She believed that you only fall in love once and whatever the problem, quitting was never the answer. From constant taunts to infidelity and from social isolation to false accusations, she suffered it all. But the last straw was when he stopped her from pursing further studies because it meant that she would have to shift base. Divya felt guilty as she loved him a lot, but was also very passionate about her career. Unable to find a solution, she sought help from a therapist.

Dr Alvin M Sam, counselling psychologist at Fortis Hospital, Bangalore, and Divya’s doctor says, “I had to challenge her unrealistic notions about love and make her realise that she was in the relationship because she was acting according to a belief that she would have only one man in her life. I told her that it wouldn't work in the long run because for relationships to last, mutual respect, love, trust and transparency is required. In a healthy relationship, the person she loves should also reciprocate the love and respect that she gives.”

He cheated on you

Your world can change overnight when you discover that your partner was cheating on you. From anger to guilt, women go through varied emotions when they have to break up in this situation. Since the love doesn’t disappear in a day, you need to give yourself time to heal and move on.

Dr Kedar is of the opinion that though it is justified to act impulsively and break up, it is also okay to let things cool off and think with a clear mind. Anticipate changes that will happen in your life after parting ways and work on fixing those first. For instance, if you have to move out, are you financially stable and, most importantly, do you have loved ones around to provide emotional support? This is because after the breakup, you are likely to be wracked by negativity, so it is essential to have the right people around you. Giving it even a day or two will help you sort things out and once you have done that, go ahead with the breakup.

You’re stuck

28-year-old Megha* was in a long-distance relationship for four years, but the last six months took a toll on her health. In fact, it was also the reason for her anxiety. While distance was a factor, lack of commitment was also a problem. The two could not commit to each other and would have the same fights repeatedly. She realised that her anxiety was due to the fact that their relationship had reached a deadlock despite still being in love. Dr Tilwe advised her to take a decision about her relationship. “I told her to make a list of pros and cons as it would help her decide. Once she figured out that she wanted to break up with him, the next step was to help her do this in a way that wouldn’t cause her anxiety later.”

How to break up

To make sure your split is respectful and relatively stress-free, Dr Alvin suggests you...Prepare yourself for the breakup by planning what you will say and how you will handle the situation once you break the news to him. Meet your partner in person, as calling it quits over a text or phone call will only worsen the situation. Be honest about your reason for a separation, but do not go into lengthy explanations. If you are uncomfortable doing it alone, have a friend around who can help if things go south. Be firm so that he knows there is no room for reconciliation.