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He's "not over" his ex... Need men's advice???

I'll try to keep this short. Any perspective or advice would be much appreciated.

Have been dating this guy for a year. He moved in 9 months ago. He's been great to me--thoughtful, kind, supportive, and we have a banging sex life.

From the beginning, I've felt a bit of distance/hesitance from him. I was the same way--we have both had painful pasts (like anyone else). We took it slow, despite living together, and I did a lot of work on myself to try and let my guard down. And I mean I was seriously getting help with it. He slowly got more open with me, but still this hesitance to really let me in.

We had discussed him getting his own place recently so that he could work and live in the same spot (he pays rent at my house and also on a shop). It made logical sense to consolidate his living expenses since it's so insanely expensive to live in this city. He mentioned maybe getting a place with me but thought it was "too soon."

Get to the point dear... Okay so 3 nights ago we got into an argument about his moving. He has been getting ready to leave and I guess it just hit me. I am a woman and I got emotional. That's my bad. The whole thing escalated into a 3 hour conversation where I told him I thought the bigger issue was that he is still hung up on his ex (from 7 years ago--they weren't married, together 6 years, owned a house, haven't seen each other this whole time but are friends and talk on the phone) and not ready to give himself to me. He told me during this conversation that he had never realized he was "hung up" on her and that he cares for me and I'm a wonderful woman, he doesn't want to break up, but "Yeah I guess I didn't realize I need closure with [his ex] and I must not be ready to give you what you deserve."

My question is this... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? How could he not know he's not over her after all these years? What does that even mean? Why in the hell would he get so involved with someone? He is definitely getting his own place, he has moved most of his stuff out of here, but he's still calling and texting me throughout the day to talk since we had this conversation 3 nights ago. He said he doesn't want to break up and that he obviously needs to get help with his stuff. My head tells me obviously he's emotionally unavailable (sorry to use that term) but part of me also thinks maybe I do mean enough to him that he'd like me to hang around while he works things out with a therapist or whatever.

Forgive me for sounding stupid--I'm 27 years old and have had several longer-term relationships and was married for 3 years even. I have never been in this situation before and for fear of sounding like a self-important bitch, I have always been the one my exes had a hard time getting over. I've never been the "second choice" and am baffled at this situation.

Please take it easy on me. I'm already cringing at possible responses...

1. You shot yourself in the foot by pointing it out to him. In which case, you go on about it's his responsibility to understand he hadn't moved on and yada yada yada.

2. It's his problem and is something that he needs to work on. In which case, you'll want to know what the means you should do...and most people are going to tell you to launch him.

3. You're being too critical and looking for problems. In which case, you'll most likely get offended and go on about your credibility of having been married for 3 years and had longer-term relationships.

With that said, I'm not going to answer the question.

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3. You're being too critical and looking for problems. In which case, you'll most likely get offended and go on about your credibility of having been married for 3 years and had longer-term relationships.

With that said, I'm not going to answer the question.

I didn't mean that I am credible in any way for having had relationships or having been married. Those obviously didn't work out either. I just meant that I've had a few relationships before but have never been in this situation and thus find it all the more confusing.

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I'll try to keep this short. Any perspective or advice would be much appreciated.

Have been dating this guy for a year. He moved in 9 months ago. He's been great to me--thoughtful, kind, supportive, and we have a banging sex life.

From the beginning, I've felt a bit of distance/hesitance from him. I was the same way--we have both had painful pasts (like anyone else). We took it slow, despite living together, and I did a lot of work on myself to try and let my guard down. And I mean I was seriously getting help with it. He slowly got more open with me, but still this hesitance to really let me in.

We had discussed him getting his own place recently so that he could work and live in the same spot (he pays rent at my house and also on a shop). It made logical sense to consolidate his living expenses since it's so insanely expensive to live in this city. He mentioned maybe getting a place with me but thought it was "too soon."

Get to the point dear... Okay so 3 nights ago we got into an argument about his moving. He has been getting ready to leave and I guess it just hit me. I am a woman and I got emotional. That's my bad. The whole thing escalated into a 3 hour conversation where I told him I thought the bigger issue was that he is still hung up on his ex (from 7 years ago--they weren't married, together 6 years, owned a house, haven't seen each other this whole time but are friends and talk on the phone) and not ready to give himself to me. He told me during this conversation that he had never realized he was "hung up" on her and that he cares for me and I'm a wonderful woman, he doesn't want to break up, but "Yeah I guess I didn't realize I need closure with [his ex] and I must not be ready to give you what you deserve."

My question is this... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? How could he not know he's not over her after all these years? What does that even mean? Why in the hell would he get so involved with someone? He is definitely getting his own place, he has moved most of his stuff out of here, but he's still calling and texting me throughout the day to talk since we had this conversation 3 nights ago. He said he doesn't want to break up and that he obviously needs to get help with his stuff. My head tells me obviously he's emotionally unavailable (sorry to use that term) but part of me also thinks maybe I do mean enough to him that he'd like me to hang around while he works things out with a therapist or whatever.

Forgive me for sounding stupid--I'm 27 years old and have had several longer-term relationships and was married for 3 years even. I have never been in this situation before and for fear of sounding like a self-important bitch, I have always been the one my exes had a hard time getting over. I've never been the "second choice" and am baffled at this situation.

Please take it easy on me. I'm already cringing at possible responses...

The bolded parts aren't making any sense to me. If I'm reading it right, he moved in with you after dating for only 3 months, and now he's moving out due to financial reasons, and you two discussed you moving with him, but he thinks it's "too soon." Please clarify this.

If I'm reading it right, you two moved way too fast, and now he's backpedaling.

... be a girl with a mind, a woman with attitude, and a lady with class ...

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hahahaa hilarious when we think that men are like us, because you have a hard time getting over ex's doesnt mean he does, men are 50% over a woman the moment they have sex with them

hes tired of you, you layed out an excuse for him and he agreed

hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Just reading your posts makes my day. You are funny as hell, thou you are wrong as you usually are. Men generally take breakups much harder long term though they outwardly show it less. A lot more guys have committed suicide over rejection than girls have, trust me on that.

Our greatest fear lies in anticipation- Don Draper

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You rush into relationships (moving in together after 3 months WTF?). This is not a good thing. Not everyone has painful pasts, usually much of the pain is due to bad choices in handling and choosing partners (sorry to sound like Rick here, but it is true). The fault dear tiny lies not in our stars but in ourselves.

You should never have gotten serious with a guy who was still hung up on his ex. Your RL was a train wreck waiting to happen, and now you have to deal with the wreckage. You were the rebound girl it seems, yes even after all these years. Sorry. Learn from this and choose better next time. Now you know how your exes feel, maybe that is one lesson you can learn.

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i agree with most of them--it's not pleasant but the conclusions i came to are:

1) yes, i'm a rebound girl. i thought the other 4 post-breakup gfs he had before me would've taken care of that, but apparently not
2) obviously we moved too fast in the beginning
3) i don't want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me. it's not like picking out a pair of socks in the morning; you either want to be with someone or you don't.
4) i should probably go to therapy or at least start heavily drinking
5) i would really like to apologize to some of my ex-boyfriends

to answer questions about moving in--he was staying over a lot in the beginning and kind of unintentionally moved in. he had roommates and i have my own house a few blocks from his work. it was mutually agreed back then that it was temporary but he insisted on paying rent and taking care of household chores in order to stay here. i understand that we were just "playing house." and 9 months crept by before anyone brought up moving out again... it came about because he was going to lose his shop at the end of this month and needed to relocate the business. consolidating the live/work space makes the most sense (and i wholeheartedly agree with this. why pay $5,000 a month instead of $1500). at the same time, it hit me that something felt "off." in retrospect, it was just that i felt he should want to move in with me. it's only been a couple of days but i see that this was stupid and emotional of me. it's just my ego. this relationship wasn't right, i'm not the girl for him, he's not the guy for me, and i didn't want to admit that.

he is legitimately dealing with some sh*t. i didn't make that up, or read too far into it. those were his words, and he's said that to me several times over the year. that he has a bit of a wall up. like i said, i'm the same, and it takes a lot for me to trust someone. he continually told me it would get better with time, and it did to a certain point.

he came by last night to talk about it further and clarify that he'd like to work on himself and getting over what happened in his past and put our relationship on pause for a month or so. i can appreciate his honesty and willingness to answer my questions. he said of all the girls he's dated, i mean more to him than any of them--except the one in question--and that he wants to work on himself so we can work things out. he doesn't want to lose me, and blah blah blah.

this was very helpful for me to hear--it made it loud and clear that we are not right for each other and i that i am crazy for settling for "second place." it's so ridiculous, i can't believe i ever entertained the idea. yes, i had the feeling that he was still hung up on her from the beginning, but all you can really do is take someone at their word when they say they're over it until their actions prove otherwise, which they did. i just made the mistake of staying in it too long.

not to be a downer here or anything but i am 27 and dying from a chronic illness and i think that played a big factor in all of this. this relationship felt like my last chance at finding love or something so i clung to it desperately. it is pathetic, and makes me feel like a total a$$. the fact of the matter is that i would be better off single and having fun while i can than in an unfulfilling relationship. i have my wonderful family and supportive friends by my side no matter what and i can still get laid whenever i want.

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I am sorry to hear that you are dying. What illness do you have? And did he know about it?

i have a gastrointestinal disease called gastroparesis, which i've had for years and has caused a slew of complications. i have just been classified cachectic and am nearing the point of needing IV nutrition to sustain life. it will be a slow and painful downhill battle from here on out and i have even less confidence in my ability to date once i'm on an IV 24/7 (for obvious reasons). i'm more or less at the point of giving up on the idea of finding someone. if it happens, it happens, but i'm not counting on it.

yes, he knew about it from the beginning. just one month before we started dating, i was put on an illegal experimental medication and it made a huge difference. prior to that, i spent almost 2 years holed up in my house unable to do much. one year of that was on bed rest, as i'd developed severe postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome from malnutrition.

he was an angel to me--my life had gotten very very small and dark and my self-esteem was shot to sh*t. i think that's understandable given the situation. i couldn't believe anyone would want to get into something with someone with my "baggage" and he was patient, tolerant, and loving toward me. it's still hard for me to understand why he got into it in the first place. the medication enabled me to get out more and that's when we met. he never saw me at my worst but he's spent nights in the hospital with me here and there over the last year, always asked if i was feeling okay, if i needed anything, took me to get my weekly blood tests, etc. he made a lot of sacrifices in our day-to-day lives that are necessary for me (researching restaurants that have food i can eat, for instance) that may not seem like a big deal but show he has a big heart and is willing to compromise and accomodate.

my parents love this about him. i do too. it was a big part of what kept me in it so long. i know i am not as "easy to date" as i once was. i've gotten scrawny and i don't have much energy. i know he is a genuinely good guy and i've had a few days to kind of swallow the situation and am more at peace with it. he has a woman he loved to death and it didn't work out. she broke his heart. there is nothing inherently wrong with me, i am worthy of love and i'm a good person; his heart just belongs to someone else. that is okay. as you posted in your other thread (and i've said this to myself numerous times over the last year): he's just not that into me! and it's okay.

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not to be a downer here or anything but i am 27 and dying from a chronic illness and i think that played a big factor in all of this. this relationship felt like my last chance at finding love or something so i clung to it desperately. it is pathetic, and makes me feel like a total a$$. the fact of the matter is that i would be better off single and having fun while i can than in an unfulfilling relationship. i have my wonderful family and supportive friends by my side no matter what and i can still get laid whenever i want.

thanks all for your opinions.

Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear that. I agree it likely played a part in the situation, your emotions had to be in a cloud. but it is better to have ended this RL since he wasn't in love with you. I know you may be fantasizing about "A Walk to Remember" situation but that is unlikely I'm sorry to say. I think having friends and family is what is really important, and as far as sexual needs, as you said just get laid whenever you want.