I’ve read so much in the wake of the 2012 presidential election about why Governor Mitt Romney lost, and the majority of it sickens me with how tone-deaf it is.

And seriously, governor Romney, I hope you read this. I’m truly a moderate. I co-own two other sites that are conservative in nature. While I may be a liberal in my heart (and I once drove a showroom new Viper RT/10 off the floor, with my 15 rentals as collateral) I’m still a man of reason. You could do worse than me, but honestly, you couldn’t do much better. Be pragmatic.

RIGHT: This is an actual photo of Willard Mitt Romney putting a gun to his own head, as if this is a joking matter. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

When Tagg Romney came on the scene and said that his father, Mitt Romney, didn’t want to win the presidency, my boshatomoter shattered. He campaigned for 6-years straight for the office. He wanted it. He felt he was the white horse coming to save the country from… what? The son of Ham?

So let me spare you the doubt and just talk straight to you.

You should believe me when I tell you I’m a political soothsayer. I ran an article on the morning of the election predicting an Obama victory, and I did it without emotion, but rather factual pragmatism… you should hire me for your next venture, but not because you like me, rather in spite of the fact that you hate me. Bottom line is that I’m very good.

So here’s why you lost:

The Lies, Dear Kolobian God, the Lies

Every politician dissembles, but the Romney campaign went so far beyond it as to make daily news. Lying works well inside an echo chamber, or within a closed, low-information bubble, but the majority of voters do not live in such a place, and as such, the runaway lying campaign proved to be too much for all but the hard-liners to stomach. You cannot win independents with a campaign built entirely on factual fabrications, as Mitt Romney did.

The Rampant, Widespread Disenfranchisement

You cannot hate the gays, the non-Christians, the non-whites and the non-wealthy and expect those subsets of the electorate to come out for you. You actively hated on every single subset of American culture, many of whom had previously voted for Republican candidates. You can’t hate everyone but the richest, whitest, most devout church-going folk and expect to earn a winning coalition, even if your opponent has historically low approval ratings and has presided over a period of remarkably stagnant growth.

The Inability to Connect with the Common Man

George W. Bush was born into wealth and privilege, as well as a Harvard legacy, much like Mitt Romney, but there the comparison ends. Even though Bush was a recovering alcoholic, a plurality of Americans said they’d like to have a beer with him. I would too, but only so I could see what he’s like when he falls off the wagon.

Well it’s all those things and more. It’s the time a little boy offered you an origami folded $1 bill, but all you had in your wallet were $100 bills. You weren’t a common man. So much so that you couldn’t even fake it. Your campaign aids rushed in, but it was too late.

The Failure to Recognize the Technological Shift

I feel bad even bringing this up, since it’s been hounded and pounded into your skull every day since November 6th. You didn’t invest in technology. I don’t know why, but even seeing the role it played in 2008, you chose not to do it. If I was on your campaign I’d have warned you to spare no expense. Forget Pennsylvania, focus on technology. The cost would have been covered right there and it would have made the race competitive.

Orca was nothing short of a partial-birth abortion. It was never stress-tested, none of the operatives were instructed in its use prior to election day, and many people didn’t even know how to access it from their mobile devices. You weren’t merely out-spent, you were out-strategized, out-planned, and straight up out-Jedi-ied. This wasn’t likely the margin of victory, but it would have made a difference. All things being equal though, it would have been very close… but all things were not equal, and they took you to the wood shed on the technology front, and your campaign didn’t even have a chance to be competitive because of it.

Obama spent roughly the same amount as Romney, but Obama invested more heavily in technology, which is where too many of today’s voters can exclusively be found. Those people that don’t show up on landline poll calls? They’re all on the web, and Romney had only a passive presence.

I should point out at this point that GlossyNews.com made a substantial amount of money from Governor Romney’s failed campaign at the presidency. He bought liberal keywords on liberal sites, like this one, and publishers like me made a tidy sum off of him. The ads were tone-deaf and only pandered to the far right, so they garnered painfully few clicks, but we still made a mint.

PRO-TIP… when you’re a conservative advertising on a liberal site, maybe don’t run ads that say you want to repeal Obamacare… just sharing what I know from my reader demo.

Thinking Fundraising Equals Vote-Raising

Romney was a champion at fundraising. Late in the campaign he went to California to draw in a few million wayward bucks, even as he knew the state was unrelentingly blue. Instead of spending his time at rallies in cities and states that might truly swing, he dedicated his time to raising money in places where he couldn’t possibly eek out another vote. This might have helped if those dollars translated to votes in other states, but the money was so wastefully spent that it simply didn’t.

As the hours wind down, stop spending your time in losing places. Focus on the votes. If you don’t win, you lose, regardless of how many dollars you have in the coffer. That’s just a basic fact.

I remember a week during the election when I saw Obama in Ohio and Virginia, swing states, while Romney was pounding the pavement in California. What was he thinking? Raising money would be great if you were an IPO, but you’re running for president, for Pete’s sake, so why aren’t you raising votes instead?

Dear Governor Romney

I know you’re done. You’ve said it, your wife has said it, I get it. I’m done kicking this down horse. I’m sorry for all the hardship you’ve gone through to get so painfully little. You’re a smart man and you deserve good things, but the good news is, you’ve already gotten good things, so you’re ahead of the game.

You made a major gamble and you bet on red, but you lost… America already knew it, you didn’t, but you always bet on black… get it? That’s a racial joke. I’ve never known a Mormon to not like a racial joke.

But seriously, you have influence, if you want your next friend to win, just hire me as the outsider. I’ve been doing this for over a decade and I have yet to be wrong. You can scour my archives and see for yourself.

So hire me to make your next campaign, or don’t, and continue being a monumental, unprecedented, unforgettable loser… I guess I’m not really selling myself that hard, am I? But you won’t hire me and the reason is simple. You clearly don’t know what’s best for you.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

Brian what you are saying basicaly is true in it’s term but I do believe the real reason Romney lost is: He catered to the lower income earners,those that are on welfare and the ones that flat out don’t want to work period, so these see Romney as a threat to thier welfare benefits and any other handouts the Obama admin offers(remember Romneys 47% statement)so why didn’t they vote for Romney that is because they thought Romney was for the rich plus if you want to throw some color in…Obama’s skin in not white. They were (are) expecting Obama to hand out more of the working classes money

Wow Frank, that was poetry! I couldn’t have possibly said it worse if I was channeling Stephen Colbert. The ‘gifts’ meme is tired, and it never rang true with any but the most deluded. Obama didn’t promise gifts to the poor. The working class, who elected him, are not moochers.

If you don’t learn from the mistakes of 2012 you’ll never be in a position to win once again. Don’t blame imaginary welfare voters whom you believe outnumber you. It’s okay to own your failures. Until you can, you’ll never be able to outgrow them.

Romney redefined losing, from the primary cesspool to the 1st debate lie-o-rama “win” and right up to the bizarre “razor tight” final, yet foregone, seconds. And as if it had all been a dream, he never wanted to win anyway.

What a bunch of garbage. I can’t believe you think this way. What kind of a mind do you have? Obviously not one able to see the entire picture and evaluate the facts. Mitt Romney did not lose, our country lost and we will be paying for the mistake in judgement probably forever. Just wait and see.

Everything you have stated is true, and yet you seized to understand the entirety of it. Mitt Romney did not loose on purpose, it was all a pre-determined plan, like you said it was all to easy of a loss.

You can clearly tell through his campaign, that he never intended on winning and acted as another pawn in the obscure game being played.

Wow Bilal, you straight up don’t get it. Now you’re saying that Mitt threw the match? With that kind of thinking it’s impossible for you to learn from your mistakes. Let me simplify it for you: Obama was the better candidate and the better man and no amount of fundraising and playing on racial fears was enough to polish the Romney turd.

The long and short of it is…Romney just didn’t connect. Either with the middle class or the Republican right. Though I supported him, he always looked to me like a guy who wasn’t comfortable wearing his own skin.
In some ways he reminded me of Ross Perot on steroids, but plainly Romney was the wrong guy at the wrong time with a garbled message of re-hashed tired ideas.

The downside for Americans is they’re stuck with Dumbo for another four years. The positive side is Republicans have learned what it needs and takes to win in 2016.

After four-more of creeping socialism, a stagnated middle-class, and the further economic decimation by increasing debt and high taxes, the average voter will desire a change and mandate a more responsible government agenda focused on growth, fiscal responsibility, and a totally new Republican candidate on thge national stage which will probably be Rubio or another young and vibrant Republican more centered than right.