I’m still fascinated by Negative Sentiment Override (NSO) and how it affects psychological safety, which influences our lives at home and at work. We’ve talked about what NSO is and that it’s hard to recognize it in ourselves. We’ve also discussed that we can’t force anyone else to stop being negative. The only person that we can change is ourselves.

So far, we’ve talked about one-to-one relationships, which the research on NSO supports. As far as I know, research on NSO has been done with couples in mind. I want to extrapolate the findings to other scenarios and want to be clear that we are now moving into Kathy’s musings and away from proven research.

As I’ve viewed the world lately through the lens of NSO and Positive Sentiment Override (PSO), I’ve noticed that some people seem to be in a state of NSO towards entire groups – not just one individual.

Of course, the most glaring, public example is of conservatives and liberals. I have friends in both categories, and what strikes me is their inability to see any good in what the other group says and does. It feels like a values issue, which means we feel most strongly about it. If we are in NSO, every action is an insult and we are enraged by them. However, if we are in PSO rather than NSO, we recognize neutral and positive actions and comments from the other side.

It’s important to remember that a state of NSO distorts our view of reality. We aren’t seeing things accurately. In a sense, we are demonizing people and groups with our interpretation of their words and actions. Honestly, it takes very little effort to put a negative spin on anything, and in NSO we are making up other people’s motivations. Keep in mind that we don’t know what anyone is really thinking or why they do things unless we ask.

We usually don’t ask because we surround ourselves with people who share our values and think like us. They reinforce our beliefs for us. We also scan the world for things that support our slanted view. We do not register facts that would support an opposing view – either because we don’t get those facts because we insulate ourselves, or we don’t notice. Remember, a partner in NSO misses 50% of the positive gestures of the other person.

Let’s go one step further. I’ve noticed people who have an NSO mindset about everything! I think it’s what I’ve considered a “victim mentality.” In NSO, a person is overly sensitive and hypervigilant for putdowns. I know people who live in that state. They cruise through life determined to be insulted by almost everything. They take the circumstances of life and most interactions with others as personal affronts.

All of this makes me very nervous about the accuracy with which I view people, groups, and the world. What positive things am I missing? What neutral things am I moving to negative? Honestly, it feels a little like an episode of The Twilight Zone.

It makes me wonder, am I in NSO towards any one person, group, or the world? How would I know? If I am in NSO, my view of reality is distorted. I am not seeing 50% of the good things about a person, group, or the world. If all that is true, wouldn’t I feel justified in my animosity and anger towards them?

And bingo! I think we’ve found the first tell. The question to ask is, “Am I angry a lot of the time?” Another good one is, “Do I feel insulted often?” Another good question is, “What am I spending my emotional pennies on?”

On the whole, I don’t live in a state of anger. I don’t feel like a person or group’s actions are a personal affront. There are groups that I don’t agree with because they do not value what I value. Their actions might make me angry, but it isn’t a permanent state. I don’t even hate these people.

And bingo! Here is our second hint about whether or not we are in an NSO state. We could ask, “Do I hate this group, this person, or the world?” It’s important to see other people as people, and not as objects. It’s really hard to hate someone who we view as having thoughts, dreams, and rights equal to our own.

In my experience, most people do what they believe is right based on their own experiences, values, and beliefs. Yes, people caught in NSO who cannot see any part of the other’s perspective are particularly annoying, but we cannot force them to change. We can only invite the behavior we’d like to see by showing them what positive and open-minded look like.

I feel that I could easily slip into an NSO state with a group. When we join a group that is in NSO, everything feels certain and comfortable. We all believe the same things, and there is a strong sense of belonging because it is us against them. It’s comfortable and not confusing at all. Everything is clear because we have taken a reality full of grays and made it black and white.

And bingo! Our third indicator of being in NSO is an absolute feeling of superiority of belief and value over another person or group.

So I feel a little better! I don’t have to sit around wondering if I’m distorting reality and clueless about it. I have questions I can ask myself:

Am I angry a lot of the time?

Do I feel insulted often?

What am I spending my emotional pennies on?

Do I hate this group, person, or the world?

Do I feel superior to another person or group?

Am I completely confident that my way of thinking and believing is the only right way?

Awareness is a first step to wisdom and control. Anyone who knows me knows I like control. Wisdom is something I’m always working on.

The next concept that I want to talk about has a lot to do with trust – and it’s complicated. Ideas and possibilities have been running around in my head all week, and I’ve had several interesting discussions. I find that when my brain is a jumble, it’s best to start with awareness – what do I know for sure? This blog is a definition of Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) and Negative Sentiment Override (NSO).

I first read about the concepts in What Makes Love Last? by John Gottman and Nan Silver. NSO is a real problem in relationships. Gottman and Silver state, “people tend to construe neutral and even positive events as negative.” We cannot achieve psychological safety and trust when we are experiencing NSO.

Research shows that people who suffer from NSO do not recognize 50% of their partners’ positive gestures. That’s huge! If I am in a state of NSO towards you, I completely miss 50% of the nice things that you do!

Robert Weiss defined NSO and PSO in 1980. How have I missed these concepts for so long? Here is a definition of the two states from Gottman’s The Science of Trust:

NSO: The negative sentiments we have about the relationship and our partner override anything positive our partner might do. We are hypervigilant for putdowns. We tend not to notice positive events. We also tend to see neutral, or sometimes even positive, things as negative. WE ARE OVERLY SENSITIVE.

PSO: The positive sentiments we have about the relationship and our partner override negative things our partner might do. We see negativity as evidence that our partner is stressed. We may notice negative events, but we don’t take them very seriously. We tend to distort toward positive and see even negative as neutral. WE ARE NOT OVERLY SENSITIVE AND DO NOT TAKE NEGATIVITY PERSONALLY.

The capitalization is mine.

I want to add a couple of more ideas for us to stir into the mix and consider. Psychologist Fritz Heider discovered that we have a tendency to minimize our own errors and to attribute them to current circumstances. We also emphasize the errors of others and attribute them to negative traits and character flaws. The book Leadership and Self-Deception describes this phenomenon well and is worth a read.

Finally, here is short description of the Overconfidence Effect. It says that the more certain you are of something, the more likely it is that you are wrong. The Overconfidence Effect happens most often when we don’t see all the various perspectives of a situation. It comes from a lack of empathy and an inability to see the big picture.

I included descriptions of Heider’s fundamental attribution errors and the Overconfidence Effect because of several discussions that I’ve had about PSO and NSO. In my workshops and in one-to-one conversations, people often tell me that they know they are right about a person or a situation. They are absolutely convinced about the inherent wrongness and negativity of another person.

For now, let’s step back and take a more neutral view of people we feel animosity towards. The best example I found comes from What Makes Love Last?:

Nathaniel’s wife says, “Oh look. The lightbulb blew out again.” If he’s in the throes of NSO, Nathaniel’s inner dialogue will sound something like: Who died and made me the Official Lightbulb Changer? She can fix it herself! By contrast, if hurt and suspicion are not tainting his thoughts, Nathaniel is likely to assume that his wife’s words meant that, well, the lightbulb blew out.

I love that story! Wouldn’t it be great if we could take everyone’s statements at face value and not add our own emotional agendas to them?

I am going to make an effort to take everyone’s statements to mean, well, exactly whatever they said – and not attach my own emotional charge. That perspective sounds wonderful because it saves me emotional pennies and makes my heart lighter.