insurance

If you’re having a hard time affording your healthcare through the government’s Affordable Care Act marketplace now, then on January 1st, you might have to take out a second, or even a third, job to afford it.

According to reports, the marketplace healthcare costs are going to triple for most plans, with the average cost of a standard family plan hitting $2200 a week.

“These increased costs are happening, essentially, because of the freeloaders on government programs,” said Martin Long, director of the ACA Marketplace. “There’s a lot of people who think that they can get something for nothing, but that’s obviously not the case. Someone has to pay for it. And those people are, well, everyone else who actually does pay for their healthcare.”

The current pricing model already starts high for anyone who is offered healthcare through their employer.

“I can’t afford the healthcare offered through my work,” said Robert Thomas of New Hampshire. “It’s about $800 a month for my family at the cheapest option. That’s literally one of my paychecks, gone, each month. And I only get two checks! Because my work offers healthcare, even though I can’t afford it, I’m forced to get the gold level program through the ACA. And you know what that costs? Yup, about $800 a month. Frankly, it’s stupid.”

When told that the cost for his family’s insurance would be going from $800 a month to nearly $2100 for the same coverage, Thomas only had one thing to say.

The famous GEICO Gecko, which most people assumed was a CGI character, was killed yesterday after being run over in a film studio parking lot, ironically by a car insured by Farmer’s Insurance.

The gecko, which has been the spokesperson for the company for several years, was actually a combination of CGI and a real animal, according to GEICO. They would use a real gecko, film it, and add CGI and a voiceover to make it appear as if he was talking. Whereas many productions use several animals to get the shots they need, GEICO says they were able to use just one gecko, whose name was Alfred.

“Alfred is a longtime friend of the company, and he worked very hard to save people money in only 15 minutes time,” said GEICO chairman Joel Iger. “His death is a sad day for us at GEICO, and for the entire world who loved him.”

Iger says that a new animal trainer that they had hired to work with Alfred had “lost track” of the animal, and he was later found outside, run over by a Jaguar.

“I never even saw him, I swear to God!” said Richard Hall, who was driving the vehicle. “I never thought I would kill a beloved icon today, and my heart is shattered. I loved his commercials. On the plus side, it could have been worse. I mean, I have Farmers. I could have hit and killed JK Simmons, you know?”

“It was a simple oversight,” explains actress and comedian Stephanie Courtney, known to millions as the quirky Progressive Insurance spokesperson ‘Flo.’”

The actress’ insurance policy, covered under SAG-AFTRA, the radio and television artist’s union, lapsed last month. Courtney, looking much older and more fatigued than her character ‘Flo,’ answered questions asked by Hunt Brickbacher of Entertainment Tonight.

“I belong to the actor’s union,” said the actress between yawns. “No, Progressive does not pay my insurance. No, my real name isn’t Flo. No, I don’t own a car. People forget, you know? I just forgot. The dues, I just … (yawn) forgot. Does that cover it?” asked a visibly perturbed Courtney. “Can I go home now?”

“I guess you’ve had to answer a lot of these questions,” asked Brickbacher. “Your fans seem to find the irony kind of hilarious. Progressive’s Facebook page has been flooded with comments.”

“Look, Progressive has me making around 350 commercial spots for tv and radio a year,” Courtney said. That’s like, 30 every month. Oh, dear God, that’s almost one a day! I rehearse one spot while shooting another. I’m exhausted. That wig I wear weighs a ton, and the makeup has made my face looking like a damn sea sponge. I bought some of that Proactiv Acne Solution for my skin, and they asked me if I wanted to be their spokesperson. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t do it. There’s just no time — I don’t have the time — I don’t have time to do anything!”

Trade publication Variety, as well as other gossip sites and blogs recently reported that a “rather odd insurance company spokesperson” had requested a hefty raise in salary, which was turned down. Courtney refused to acknowledge whether the item was about her contract with Progressive, replying only cryptically, “Yeah, that was … no, I don’t — it wasn’t — I … I read about that and my agent said … she (yawn) said … no, it’s not about me and Progressive, I’m very happy with our arrangement so I’d have to comment ‘no say’ – I mean I’d have to say ‘no comment.’ More than likely it was the Geico gecko. He’s a real piece of work, you know?”

Many actors fear that being identified with one role would lead to typecasting — locking them into one role which would prove detrimental to their careers. Courtney was realistic about the subject. “I knew what I was getting into when I signed that contract. Except maybe for the length of time that I would be bound to it and by all the extra extensions that I didn’t know about. I was so happy to sign at first, I didn’t read the fine print. I needed the job. Many actors would kill for this kind of exposure. Kill.”

When asked how many more commercial spots were planned for the ‘Flo’ character, the actress replied, “Oh, Christ on the sticks, I don’t know. I just need some sleep. Where’s my – where did I put my phone? Have you tried our new ‘Snapshot’ option?” Courtney laughed uncontrollably for several moments before sighing heavily.

The actress then leaned forward, put her head down in her lap, and promptly fell asleep. Brickbacher ended the interview by whispering, “So, that’s the story from Flo. Reporting from the Progressive Insurance Theater in Hollywood, California, this is Hunt Brickbacher for ET. Back to you in the studio!”

In a case that has millions divided, the Supreme Court made a decision recently in Hobby Lobby v. Burwell, ruling that the Hobby Lobby corporation has the right, due to the company’s sternly held religious beliefs, not to cover the acts of abortion or any sort of contraception to their employees via their offered insurance plans.

“The arguments have been made, and so has the decision.” Says Hobby Lobby CEO David Green. “We believe that a women’s body is the property of the Almighty, and if he wants them to be pregnant, who are we to say differently?”

“This is an extremely big win for us, and for God Himself.” Says Ryan Silver, a representative for Hobby Lobby. “Any form of birth control or an abortion are abominations unto God. People really need to lay off this ‘women’s rights’ crap. It seems that nowadays women feel like they should be treated as equally as men, and that is just wrong according to God Himself!”

Curiously, there are several things included in the coverage for Hobby Lobby employees that would rarely, if ever, be covered under any normal insurance plan.

“Upon review of the Hobby Lobby’s documentation from their insurance, there are a lot of, shall we say, abnormalities?” Says Mark Bertollini, CEO of Aetna Insurance. “There are clauses in the fine print that enable someone be covered for self-euthanization. So if you work for Hobby Lobby and want to kill yourself, which is a definite possibility, you are covered. Don’t forget to get their life insurance policy as well, though, so your family can get some of your sweet death cash.”

“We know that suicide is a Hell-worthy trespass, but for the people who want to do it, there is no saving them anyway. We feel that just because an employee wants to die and burn in eternal damnation, their family shouldn’t suffer for their own problems. Killing yourself is one thing, but abortion is an entirely different matter. If you want an abortion, you better believe that God has a plan for that unborn, undeveloped egg-cell, and I will do anything in my power to make sure His will be done.”

Other things that are covered in the Hobby Lobby employee insurance plans include ‘Acts of God,’ and ‘Personal Injury or Death Due to Rapture.’ As of the ruling date, anyone who works for Hobby Lobby will be forced to either procure their condoms or birth control by paying out-of-pocket, or be forced to use the tried-and-true method of ‘pulling out’ to avoid unwanted pregnancy.