Oh Whiny Los Angeles, Don’t Get So Hurt About San Francisco

Listen, LA Weekly, we get it. No matter how much you work on your orangey tan, you’ve always paled in comparison to San Francisco, and you think now that we’re going through growing pains because everyone and their startup brother wants to live here that it’s the perfect opportunity to demand that Los Angeles start hating San Francisco.

One thing you don’t understand is that we’re waaay ahead of you in complaining about this stuff – housing, how unaffordable everything’s becoming here, and that other depressing crap you think you’re shoving in our faces. You can add to the list of things San Francisco is smug about the fact that we’re so much better than Los Angeles at complaining about our city. So if those are your fightin’ words, we’ve been better than you at that for years!

Don’t get your tighty whities in a bunch, LA. That campaign you cite as proving that we “have the gall to look down on [Los Angeles]” is from Burrito Justice. Are you really gonna get all pissy because our burrito buddy made a joke about you? We thought LA was an epicenter for comedy, dude, so where’s your sense of humor? People bigger than Burrito Justice have been knocking you guys for some time. We quite enjoy the John Lennon quote, “[Los Angeles is] just a big parking lot where you buy a hamburger for the trip to San Francisco."

You want smug? How’s this? For all your Botoxing this and implanting that, SF will always be better looking than LA – when it comes to housing! Isn’t, like, half of LA either bland two-story stucco apartments or strip malls? That’s what we remember from all our driving around, lost. The average San Francisco Victorian gets far more Instagram action than LA’s most notable architecture. Speaking of architecture, your most famous landmark is a big sign, while ours is a world-class bridge in the most fabulous shade of orange.

When San Franciscans want to travel three miles, we walk, take BART, or bike. When Angelenos want to travel three miles, they take four freeways and then spend 30 minutes looking for parking. And yeah, it’s a cheap shot, but we’ll take San Francisco fog over LA smog any day of the week. (When was the last time you watched a time-lapse video of your brown clouds drifting elegantly across your city?)

One thing to note, LA Weekly, we think this is an especially bad time to reignite the great SoCal-NorCal wars due to our massive state-wide drought. You shouldn’t be thumbing your noses at us when you’re using our water for lawns and pools and cars and to wash your tiny dogs. Although, if you do run dry one day, we can show you how to grow some gorgeous urban gardens using only sidewalk cracks and weeds.

Look, deep down we love you like a baby mama and are secretly jealous that you have more Hollywood people we can take selfies with (who wants a selfie with Mark Zuckerberg?). We also feel sad sometimes that the ocean off our beaches is too cold to swim in.

Just be thankful that you’re on our radar to make fun of at all, buddy, and be very thankful that you aren’t San Diego.