Monday, October 22, 2007

Left turn, Clyde. Again.

Well, I just got my heart strings tied in a knot. Not broken, mind you. Just knotted. Reality sucks.

New Fella called me tonight, on his way home. We had a great conversation, about his week of hell ahead (busy, busy), and my bad day yesterday. "Sounds like you've had a rough couple of days," he said. "Tell me about it." After the telling and discussing, he lost the phone signal in the canyon.

He called back. And I decided to cut to the chase and ask some questions that have been driving me batty lately.

"Can I ask you something?""Sure.""Am I the only one you're seeing right now?""Yeah. Why?""I was just wondering that. I've turned down a couple of invitations lately, and wondered if we were on the same page with that."Pause. A little nervous laugh. "Well, I don't know that I'd tell you to turn down anyone who asked you out, just yet."

Stab.

I shouldn't limit my options, he says. If someone comes along who is better suited, I shouldn't turn him down. If I had a date with someone else, it wouldn't hurt his feelings. He said his life is very full, very busy. He doesn't have time to really do much, or get too involved in anything. He's in no hurry to get married again. If someone he works with said, hey, I have this friend you should meet....he would.

Yeah, he said that. Exactly.

"But I'd tell you about it," he said. No lying, sneaking, hiding things. At least that part of my paranoia can stand down.

"The ones I've turned down," I explained, "have been because they weren't someone I wanted to see more than I wanted to see you."

"I can understand that," he said. He wasn't trying to be conceited, just understanding where I was coming from.

I also reminded him that, at the onset, I'd said I wasn't in any hurry to get married. And I'm still not. My kids have had two bad experiences with stepmothers and it's made them gun-shy about me getting married again. And if he looks at my track record since being divorced, I was with my last boyfriend for the better part of eight years. Definitely not in a hurry here. And I also have a very busy life, between kids, work, and school.

He told me about the last woman he dated. For nearly five months. He said he "really thought she was something else." Then, out of the blue, she breaks it off. It baffled him. "Didn't send me into a dark funk or anything," he said, but baffled him. He thought she just couldn't handle it starting to get serious.

Five months, eh? We've been together about half that long.

He explained that just after his divorce, he felt almost desperate to not be alone. But as time goes on, he kind of likes being able to do his own thing and not "have to answer to anyone." He can sit around all day and watch sports or stupid sitcoms, if that's what he wants to do. "I'm not going to miss a Broncos game or a Rockies game," he said.

"And you shouldn't have to," I added, but I'm not sure he heard me. And I do mean that. A lot of women make the mistake of demanding a man give up what he likes to do, for what she likes to do. It's not about "either/or"; it's about melding the two.

I told him that I do appreciate the pace we've been taking things. The slow pace is new to me, but it's good. He said he's liked that, too. "Except for that one time...," he says.

"Yeah, that was a weird day," I said.

He's referring to the passionate "incident" in the foyer, when he had me against the wall and things got a little wild. I've since realized that being interrupted was a blessing in disguise. Our "intimacy" has gone other places since then, that having sex would have probably derailed. It would have upset the progression we've gone through now and made things a lot harder.

He went on. "That day, I just said 'Whoa! What's going on here?' I mean, I can do meaningless sex, if that's what we want, but in this situation it would really confuse things. I thought that we really need to be careful."

I jumped in. "And as I get older, I find keeping it meaningless is increasingly hard to do."

"Yeah, me, too," he added.

"I do think we've got a good start to something going here," I said.

"I do, too," he said. "But if we get to where we want to take it to the next level, then there's some things you should know about me. We'll have to sit down and have those hard conversations. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of, and you should know."

Okay, I know it's not a criminal record. I've already looked into that (I can't help it!). So, I'm not quite sure what he's referring to, but I'll have to wait for it. A little scary. But if these are regrets, and things that stay in the past, I'll be okay. I think.

So, I wrapped it up by telling him that I really do enjoy him, and his family. He answered by saying, "Yes, it seems to be going very well." And he promised to talk to me tomorrow, as usual.

I'm sure no one is surprised that this conversation disappointed me. Perhaps I shouldn't have asked, but I also needed to know. I'm afraid that now I've pushed him to want to have a date with someone else, if only to make a point to me or put some distance between us. I don't know how I'll handle that.

And I also have to say....it smarts. In essence, he let me know that I'm not so special after all. He's interested, but not enough that he doesn't want me to see someone else, and he can certainly imagine being more interested in someone other than me. But he thinks we have a "good start" and it's "going very well." How confusing it that?

I think God likes to screw with me. Again. Dangle that carrot, then yank it away. Why do I not deserve the "happily ever after"?

12 comments:

He got a tad burned by that lady that dumped him after 5 months and is probably running defense (perhaps a bit more heavy than he THINKS he's letting on)

And when you told him that you've got folks knocking on your door that might have put him on gaurd and put on his saftey padding. The saftey being the aloof "It's alll good," attitude.

Girl let yourself focus on the positive things that he said and never mind the rest. Hell it's cool that he was so honest and BLOGGET JONES you ARE SPECIAL! And about him seeing others? Hell he probably doesn't have time for it anyways but hell at least he would tell you I guess. Did I mention that you ARE special?

If it helps at all, here's a little diddy about C. and I when we were first together -

It had only been a month or so but I was K-K-K-RAZZY for his ass. OH boy I was SO hooked. But he came to me one day and told me that he was offered a job down in florida for like 5 months with his boss. It payed great and would have been good for him. He was sort of feeling me out. I had come off of a 7 yr thing like 6 months before and was having a lot of fun dating around and even though I was already GONE for this boy I was trying so hard to stick to my I'm-not-settling-down-yet-I'm-having-fun-Damn it-I-am-not-falling-for-this-boy-I'm-not-ready-I'm-not-getting-hurt THING that I flipped my hair over my shoulders, smiled and congratulated him on the oportunity and told him to have a good time.

Thankfully he was crazy for me too but wasn't an idiot and decided that he wasn't going anywhere. :) Oh man was I happy that he didn't leave!! But did I tell him so? Hell no! I told him that I liked him but I didn't want him to give up any opportunities FOR ME because I wasn't ready to be serious and it was his life and he needed to look out for #1. I could shell out bullshit like that all. day. long. I think I even told him after a bit that if others came along not to hesitate cuz I sure as hell wasn't gonna. RIIGGHHHTT. Somebody DID come along for me but I shooed his ass away so quick you'd think somethin'd bit 'im. :) I was in love but I didn't think I was ready for it.

HA!!

Blogget did I mention you're special and if you ever say you're NOT special again that I'll be forced to give you a good ole fashioned internet type-tounge-lashing? ;) Even if it turned out that he didn't think you were the one you'd still be special damn it. Don't you ever let a mans opinion of your relationship material worth gauge what you think of yourself. EV-ER. NE-VER.

Okay. A) I agree with everything Ms. Hor Blogger said above, particularly the part about the 5-month lady dumping him. Five months is a long time to date casually without caring at all about someone, I don't think it's likely that it didn't hurt him. I think he's frontin'.

And B) I think he is more interested in you than he is letting on. He has invited you into not only his home but his life, you've been to his games and met his kids and been included in family drama. Honestly, I don't think he does that every other week with different women, I think it means something.

But, C) I have to be honest here. At best, he is reluctant to be in a close relationship, and at worst, he is unwilling. You deserve someone who will be excited to be with you! There are guys who will be attentive and caring and who will be genuinely thrilled to talk to you on the phone, or to hold your hand on a date. And guys who will be in a hurry to take things to a more... intimate level. I'm just sayin'.

I think this guy is going to drive you crazy with his half-assedness. Already you are getting your feelings hurt by his emotional distance.

I know how hard it is to think about starting over and finding someone else, but I say this as a woman who got married for the first time (and last time!) at 37. I know this guy sounds like a really good guy, but I think there is a GREAT guy out there waiting for you! :)

Thanks for the story, Lindy-girl. That helps. I hope his perspective is similar to what yours was. So, maybe telling him about the invites was a mistake.... I stupidly took the advice of some friends who said that he needs to know I have options, that I'm not just sitting around, wringing my hands, waiting for his call, at his whim. But it looks like I might have messed things up by saying something.

Then again, I suppose this is a good "heads up" for me to have. But he obviously likes me to some degree or he wouldn't keep calling.

Also, there's something to be said for him realizing that "meaningless sex" is not where we want to go. I suppose.

And thank you!!! For the pep talk. I suppose it just hurts to know I'm not so special in his estimation.

Dang, I hate this feeling. I do hope he keeps calling now, though, and I haven't totally spooked him.

Ellen -- thanks. For the encouragement and for the honesty. To be true, he's making me tired. I have other things I need to concentrate on and it's hard to do with all this doubt floating around in me. Wish it was easy for me to let go of it, and put it aside, instead of spending all damn day wondering if I'll hear from him again or if he'll just tell me he's set up a date with someone else.

I suppose the thing is that I've had someone love me like that, like you describe. He still loves me like that. But he just can't stop lying to me and cheating on me.

Maybe I'm afraid the whole package isn't out there.... Maybe "happily ever after" just isn't in the cards for me.

Ellen's got a point, if those other callers are worth any sort of beans it might not be a bad deal to at LEAST check them out.

And honestly? If you go on just one date, no kissing or anything just a meeting to see what they're like? Hell I'd just keep it to myself. That way if it turns out shitty you don't even have to bother getting New Fellas gaurd all put up and freaked out. But if they're serious second or third date material well then, ya know, you'd probably tell.

I know not telling him about the first date might sound shitty, and it IS just my 25 yr old opinion here and I AM talking out of my ass, but to me I wouldn't want to risk flipping him out for nothing.

Sometimes really great people DO flip out for small things because of their recent past but that doens't mean they won't get with the program, soemtimes it's best to wear kid-gloves for them, for a bit. For a bit though, not like forever. Ok I'm gonna shut up now.

Ah crap I just now saw your message, Oh my GOD you did NOT make a mistake by telling him! That was smart dang it! It was a great way to put feelers out there and you DID get results. You did the right thing and you got some questions answered. Yeah it would have been nice if he would have flipped out the OTHER way and told you NO WAY was he dating anybody else, but hell at least he didn't FREAK and go off the deep end.

He was honest and he STILL wants to see you. He probably apreciates YOUR honesty and might even feel a bit safer that you told him what's going on and aren't keeping him in the dark. Like he said, the chick from last time came out of left field and dumped him but at least he now knows with you that you're going to be up front.

I agree with Lindy and Ellen, and I think that he is just as scared of getting hurt as you are.

DO NOT FOR ONE SECOND THINK THAT YOU ARE NOT DESERVING OF HAPPILY EVEY AFTER! You are just as deserving as the rest of the world! Hold your head up, toss those golden locks, and repeat after me: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, all my Internet friends love me!" (I am sure all your real life friends love you too, but I can't speak for them!)

Lindy-girl: Yeah, I wish he'd flipped out the other way, too, but I think now I understand why he didn't. I just hope he also sees this as me being honest, and not trying to be pin-you-down-to-a-commitment girl.

You might be right about the one date thing. He might freak over something that turns out to be nothing. I'll play that by ear.

The nightmare scenario I have right now is that he starts dating someone else, too. Then, I have a decision to make. I have always said, I will not compete. If a guy can't decide if he wants to be with me and give it a good chance, then he doesn't GET to be with me. I don't play the competition game, and it hurts too much, anyhow.

Blogget-I too agree with the other gals. I don't think you should be discouraged or deflated by that conversation. The whole fact that he was willing to have it is fucking incredible! Plus, no matter how evolved, men have somewhat fragile egos, and for him to tell you that you are special after such a short time might ring false. Of course you're special, and you don't need him to tell you that to know it. Things will evolve as they should, and by no means did anything you said seem to me to be pushing him into going out with others or presenting you with a proposal. He'll do what he wants in the run of things anyway. Don't overthink too much too soon. We women seem to do that A LOT! LOL

And I always do a background check, and I don't have children. I think it's the smart thing for a gal to do these days, particularly if she has kids.

God is not screwing with you (he's busy screwing with me, I promise! lol)! Caring about someone else is always risky. But what a great risk to take, no?

His defenses are up. He likes you or he would NOT bring you around his kids. Trust me. My guy was like this too. He wanted to move really slow. Well... 7 months dating & we're talking about rings. Just keep being the same girl you've been. You know what I did? Went on vacation without him. 4 days in he was a goner. :)

Sassy: You're right -- it's a risk I'd rather take than not take! I can't have a closed heart, and that often means things sting. I sure hate it when it stings, though.... Yes, he'll do what he wants in the course of things, anyway. At least he's said he'll tell me and I don't have to run myself nuts wondering if something's going on I don't know about. You're right -- I completely overthink things!

And yes, background checks are a matter of routine for me, too! Oh, the things I've found out that way....like the POS who told me all about his dead wife and how she was tragically killed in an auto accident. I ran a couple of searches...and found her to be alive and well. You would have thought he'd be happy to hear the news....lol

KP: I suppose I'm a little impatient for some forward movement...and I need to settle down. I'm really in no hurry, except to stop my second-guessing. But that's my problem, not his. I don't think he remembers it, but I'm about to be gone for 5 days, starting on Halloween. We'll see how that goes....