Friday, November 18, 2011

Does This Sound Disordered to You?

Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?

Yes, The rest of my life

6:45 Am Waking up. Stripping down. Getting on the scale. Going to the bathroom. Weighing myself again. Taking a shower. Weighing my self with towel on. Weighing with no towel on. Drying off completely. Weighing myself again. Packing my books and a banana and a water . Going to class. Drinking the water. Writing in my notebook all through class not paying attention: Meal plans, exercise plans, calories deficit calculations. Weight loss calculations. Class dismissed. Driving home. Putting the banana back on the counter. Weighing myself full clothing. Go to the bathroom. Weigh in again. Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. Drink more water. Don't eat, don't eat, don't eat. If you eat, take it back out. Leaning over. Hand in throat. Everything down the drain. Clean yourself up.. Stare into the mirror. Who are you? It doesn't matter now. We'll figure that out later. Big smile now! Head throbbing. Crawl back to the couch. Look at thinspo, blogs, recipies, anorexia movies online until he gets home. Close the computer quickly and put away before he comes inside. Big smile. Warm hugs. Cook chicken (150) and eat only when in front of him. Go to gymnastics 6-10pm. Come home. Go to bathroom. Weigh myself again. Smile at lost water weight. Try try try so hard to avoid food. End up with about 500 more calories. Feel. Like. Shit. Stay up as late as possible. Go to be with him. Snuggle. Wait until he is asleep. Lay awake searching for answers on the dark ceiling. Calculating the calories like always. Planning the next day. Cursing myself for eating. My stomach screaming at me. Thinking about the food. Calculating. Always calculating. Drifting away in Ana's embrace. 6:45 AM...

5 comments:

Ugh. I have been there, gotten out, gone back, gotten out, countless times. Like, really, is weighing myself 5 times a day in different surfaces, different clothes, different times, different moods even haha, going to make a difference??? I get it. Sometimes when I stop and think about it, all this obsession is something to do, because (at least for me) at some point, you just don't give a shit about everything else. Can't focus in class, probably due to starving, calculating the same stuff day after day, experimenting with different numbers, ughhh it is all too familiar. Like, does the decimal point value of your weight even matter? But it DOES!!! It's so crazy.