by:kate28 (11/22/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Kiss-Me-I'm-Irish Pin Wearer.
What would St. Patrick's Day be without the rich Irish tradition of wearing a pin to beg girls to make out with you?
(a-luck of the Irish)
Your cousin's grandfather's uncle's gardener was Irish,
Which gives you the right to solicit affection from strangers.
(who you think you're foolin')
Few men are brave enough to use a bad pick-up line.
Only you are brave enough to say it,
Put it in writing,
And wear it on your chest.
(look at meee)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Patty's Day Pick-Up Artist.
You have high standards when it comes to women,
Anyone who can read.

by:kate28 (11/22/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Major League Infield Raker.
Your precision movements and split second timing keep America's infields safe for play,
And covered with cool swirly designs.
(swirly designs!)
Millions watch as you weave your standard issue rake inches from the bag,
Then skillfully switch to the more advanced woven metal thing on a chain.
(woven metal thing!)
Yeah it has a name,
But we wouldn't understand.
Why?
Because we're not Mr. Major League Infield Raker.
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Duke of Dirt,
Because for every kid who wants to be a major league slugger,
There's another who wants to be a guy with a rake.

by:kate28 (11/02/2008)
Today we salute you
Mr. Indecisive Food Orderer Guy.
You approach a menu like a CPA approaches an audit.
There's not an appetizer, entree, or ingredient that escapes your scrutiny.
(what's the soup de jour)
Cappachio or Calamari?
Halibut or Ceviche?
These are incredibly important decisions that need to be made,
Sometime before sunrise.
(cock a doodle doo)
No matter,
Because when the food finally arrives,
You spend the entire dinner wishing you got what everybody else did.
(I got entree envy)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Indecisive Food Orderer Guy
Because today's special..
Is you.

by:kate28 (10/30/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Indie Band Member.
You've got 11 songs,
Great stage attitude,
And no money.
You're an independent band.
(way too independent)
Indie Band Problem #1-
Keeping everybody in de band,
In de band.
(who needs a drummer?)
Problem #2
Arguing for 230 miles in an un-air-conditioned van to split 100 bucks five ways.
(sell those t-shirts and cds)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Indie Band Member.
Your time will come,
Just as soon as the bass player's girlfriend stops trying to run the band.
(don't tell me what to weeearrr)

by:kate28 (10/30/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Jelly Donut Filler.
Many a night you pondered the question:
"How can I get some jelly shoved into a plain powdered donut's blowhole?"
(in the blowhole!)
Inspiration, and perspiration, led you to invent the answer:
The jelly super squirter.
(super squirter!)
Late at night,
All night,
You worked your squirter so that we could wake up satisfied and enjoy our breakfast jelly treat.
(work work work work work your squirter!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Jelly Doughnut Filler,
Nobody else takes it to the hole quite the way you do.

by:kate28 (10/30/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Jean Shorts Inventor.
People insisted that jeans were just pants.
Apparently those people underestimated your out-of-the-box thinking.
(a fashion trail blazer)
Casual enough for a barbeque.
Formal enough for a family reunion.
Your multi-dimensional creation carries both duties with ease.
(you just said doo-dee)
And what should we call your ground-breaking achievement?
How about..
Jorts.
(I really like your jorts)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Jorts Inventor.
If fashion is a war,
You're fighting dirty.

by:kate28 (10/30/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Male Fur Coat Wearer.
Perhaps fashion's greatest mystery:
What makes a big strong man say,
"I think I need a new fur coat."
(I don't know)
At the very height of political incorrectness,
Nothing says, "I could give a rat's rear end,"
Like a man in a floor-length chinchilla.
(takin' no prisoners)
A look that's half-street-pimp,
Half Aunt Esther,
And full on:
Fur-tastic.
Sure it's gauche,
But you don't spend more on your coat than on your car,
Not to be noticed.
(look at meeee)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Male Fur Coat Wearer.
Because it takes a REAL man,
To wear a woman's fur coat.

by:kate28 (09/29/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Giant Pocket Knife Inventor.
Because of you,
We'll never be lost in the middle of a dense forest without a little plastic toothpick again.
(won't get lost again)
What's that bulge in my pocket?
It's my knife.
And my tweezers.
And my scissors.
And my spoon.
And my bottle opener.
And my fish scaler.
(take it to the max)
And my leather awl.
And my corkscrew.
And my nail file.
And my pairing knife.
And my hask.
(what's a hask?)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Giant Pocket Knife Inventor,
Because you make our pockets bulge humongously,
With pride.

by:kate28 (09/29/2008)
Today we salute you
Mr. Hot Dog Eating Contest Contestant.
What does it take to eat two dozen hot dogs in 12 minutes?
Determination.
Fortitude.
And a complete disregard for what they actually put in a hot dog.
(open wiiiide)
How many times have we said
"Sure, one hot dog is nice, but 47 more would really hit the spot"
(get me to a bathroom)
What's for dessert?
Nine pounds of antacids.
One bleeding ulcer.
And seven hours of routine angioplasty.
(my left arm feels tingly)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Diplomat of the Dog.
Because our appetite for you,
Will never be satisfied.

by:kate28 (09/10/2008)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Handlebar Mustache Wearer.
It takes a real fashion pioneer to know that some things never go out of style,
Like facial hair...
From the 18th century.
(a-stylin' and profilin')
With a little wax and a twist of your fingers,
You're an instant man about town.
(man about town)
You may not be a Civil War general,
But with a handlebar mustache,
Even a simple computer programmer can rally the troops.
(tally-ho)
Heaven knows we wouldn't be caught dead with one,
But it looks good on you.
(OOooo)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Soup-Straining Friend.
And know that if you keep wearing it,
We'll keep staring at it.