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Sometimes I log onto Facebook and wonder how many millions of people love to get drunk with friends and take pictures while doing so. I often see FB photos of people drinking with real-life friends of theirs in backyards, at dive bars, latin discos, next to swimming pools, in swimming pools, in public parks, on roof tops, and in trash ridden alleys. Not to mention in limos, rivers, on balconies, at SoCal mansions with painted naked ladies, in South Florida with shirtless men wearing bolo ties, at rap concerts, in avocado trees, on top of tables, while doing hand stands on kegs, etc., ad nauseum.

“Cerveza es mi esposa!”

Often in these photos my FB friends are huddled up with real-life friends, booze held high, their expressions conveying something like “Wooooo!” or “Yeaahhhh!” People in these photos usually put their arms around each other as a sign of friendship, seemingly saying, “We’re best buds! It feels great to drink together and have long discussions where we mostly lie. I hope to wake up tomorrow indoors, without having soiled myself.”

Whenever I drink and some overly friendly acquaintance puts their arm around me I know there’s a lurker nearby about to snap a picture of us with a disposable camera. That’s why I usually hide my beer behind my back and make an expression that seemingly says, “I hope no one sees this photo. Being seen with these people is embarrassing enough, to say nothing of the fact that I’m wearing a false nose.” The reason I hide my beer is complicated. Some figure that I’m eyeing a future in politics and don’t want any compromising photos out there. They’re wrong. It’s because I have an endorsement deal with Mongoose Canadian Malt Liquor (15% alc. by volume). It tastes like liquid excrement, but nonetheless, I’m paid to endorse it, and can’t very well forfeit a king’s ransom because I’m photographed drinking a tall can of Modelo whilst standing on the hood of an El Camino. Now you know.

Best enjoyed on the hood of an El Camino. A Ranchero is acceptable in a pinch.

However, if Modelo wanted to throw some pesos my way for drinking their cerveza in photos with drunks who love hoisting drinks into the air, I wouldn’t object. They just have to accept the fact that I’ll be the sheepish guy off to the side, trying to contort my face in such a way that it may be rendered unrecognizable once the photo is uploaded to Facebook. DAMN! Note to self: block all attempted TAGS by those trying to rape my wallet of malt liquor endorsement deals.