Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I am contradicting myself. Yesterday started out horribly; I was in a bad mood, I slept through classes, and I was frustrated. It ended wonderfully; I spent a presumably boring night just walking around with a friend (it actually ended up being wonderful), I spent some time with some amazing people, I straightened out frustrating situations, I joked around, I winked at someone, I was cared for. I love days like that when all you need is someone to make you smile, and that one smile changes your whole outlook on the day. But then today started out incredibly; I woke up on time, I was able to actually get ready, I was able to stay awake in class, I took great notes, I learned about possible majors, I walked arm in arm with a friend, I had a wonderful unexpected breakfast with three awesome people, I had a casual conversation. Now I am sitting in my bed, with my laptop on my lap, feeling the best I've felt this week. Days like this can only get better.

I must be a moody person, having had a horrible day yesterday and being sad, but then having an incredible day today and being giddy.

Another day, another smile, another laugh, another friend, another story, another joke, another time, another talk, another call, another game, another movie, another text, another dinner, another great evening.

How could a day that starts out sleeping through two classes, being mad about previous situations, having a bad lunch, and not being able to face my problems end up with laughs, friends, conversations, random visits, heart-to-hearts, good hugs, and great times?

Monday, September 29, 2008

So today I took a train trip from Raleigh to Charlotte, and you would not believe the thinking that a train ride can provoke. This is all that I wrote on my trip:

BLOG ONE!Call me a romantic, but I think this is pretty cool. Taking the train back to school, and writing a blog at the same time… what could be more romantic?The sun is shining through the window, every once and a while the trees hold back the light. I should be doing my homework, but who needs that? I like this. Sitting, thinking, admiring.We pass by a cemetery. I wonder who is there. I wonder what kind of grief was left on that ground. I can see the funerals going on, I can imagine the people lamenting, the children not understanding, the ladies crying, the men sobbing. The people who are now resting under the earth were loved in their life, I’m sure. They must have been wonderful people. Grandmothers, grandfathers, moms, dads, wives, husbands, daughters, sons, community members, church goers, talented athletes, gifted in music, valedictorian of their high school class. It is odd to think that every person who is buried in that cemetery at one time had a life, a family, a place to belong. But now they are not there, their place is empty. At once they had to try and make a place, and now that place is so set in stone that it cannot be filled. Some may think it would have been easier for them to have never been known, at least then no one would have to grieve, no one would have to miss, no one would cry. But those same people would never have been blessed by the beautiful life of that lost loved one.

BLOG TWO!I’ve been thinking a lot about my husband lately. It is like I already know him, and I already miss him. I can imagine he and I having children and caring for them, having dinners with our parents and time alone. I can imagine our conversations, and the affection that we will share. I miss him. I don’t even know him but I miss him. He is out there somewhere, maybe I’ve seen him, maybe I know him. Someday our lives will come together. He is out there, living his own life, thinking of me too. I long for his arms to be around me, and for his love to consume me. I long for the intimacy of marriage that we will share, for the love and affection, the way we will know each other and admire each other, the way we will argue and disagree, but still love each other, the way we will both love the Lord with all of our heart, the way He will be the center of our lives. I miss him.

BLOG THREE!It’s pretty easy to make me smile. Give me a good book, a cup of coffee, a comfy chair, and some solitude and I’ll be happy for the rest of the day. Give me a crowd of people, good music, and wonderful friends and I’ll be happy. Give me one good friend, one long conversation, and lots of laughs and I’ll have the best time. Give me one new friend who makes me laugh and I’ll smile. Give me a train, a computer without internet, and a rainy night and I’ll write three blogs which makes me happy. Give me one heartfelt and happy text message and I’ll give you a smile. Give me lunch with friends who I haven’t seen in a month and I will think about it for days. Give me a train ride home, and some time to think and I’ll get every single thought in my head down on paper. This makes me happy.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Tonight I heard one of the most glorious descriptions of God's love for us that I've ever heard. Usually when people hear that Christ died on the cross for us they don't think much of it, they hear it all the time so after it has been said enough, the reality of this deed starts to become less intense and glorious.

In the words of one of our campus ministry leaders here on campus:

Imagine a man, Richard, and his wife, Rachel. They are expecting a baby boy, David. When David comes into the world, Richard and Rachel love the boy like they've never loved another in their life. He is absolutely gorgeous, and their home feels complete with him in their life. He is everything they could have hoped for in a child. One terrible day someone comes along and murders Rachel. This mother, this wife, the keeper of this wonderful home. Richard is a judge and judges the murderer's trial. At the trial Richard knows that this is the person murdered Rachel, but when the time comes to sentence this person Richard tells someone to bring David to the front. Richard says, "Give David the death penalty in place of this person, kill my son." He then Richard says, "And to you sir, I would like to adopt you, and bring you into my home and call you my son."

To imagine that after you murder a man's wife that he would kill his own baby boy in your place and then ADOPT you. And LOVE you!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

To describe this setting is utterly impossible. My words are not sufficient. I sit here, in a chair outside the library. Having finished some much needed work, my head is cleared. As I look around I see friends talking and having fun together, people studying and spending time alone, kids running through the streets, cars parked outside the church. The feeling of the wind has mesmorized me all day. It is the most wonderful feeling that I can think of. It is a reassurance that something is here, that there is something above us all. It is the wonderful breath of God through my hair, upon my face. It kisses the leaves of the trees creating a sound unlike any other, and yet so familiar and comforting. The sun shines down, peeking through the branches, warming my skin and creating for me a blanket. It reflects off of cars, and tables, creating an image that, although looked over quite often, is incredibly beautiful. The colors, the sounds, the warmth, the famliarity of everything puts me at a loss for words. I am beside myself in wonder at this, it is so oddly typical yet incredibly beautiful. I needed a few days like this. Father, you knew my heart, and when I didn't know what I longed for, you knew exactly what that was. I needed to simply recognize that you are here. You are present in my life just as much as you were before I came here. You never change, you never leave, you never turn away from me.

I love talking from 11:30 to 2 am by the pond. I love laughing uncontrollably. I love finding common ground. I love being so unable to contain happiness that it flows insatiably out of me into laughter.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I'm pretty sure that I have the most outrageous fear. Who in the world is scared of Heaven? It is more incredible than I can imagine, I get to be in the constant presence of God, I get to worship Him always, I get to spend forever with the God I love and the people I love. So, why am I scared?

Forever. Eternity. Inifinity. Timelessness. Endlessness. Perpetuity. Ceaselessness. Everlastingness. The totality of time without beginning or end.

Does this not scare the living daylights out of anyone else?

My life is but a whisper in a screaming crowd, a wave upon the shore, a drop in the ocean, a grain of sand in the Sahara, a 'blip' on the radar, a page in an endless book. I am nothing. Time has existed since Adam and Eve. In all that has happened since then there have been only a few persons remembered. Trillions have lived. My life means nothing to others. Then I will die, and my soul will go to be with my creator for all eternity.

I woke up in a start, and then remembered that I did not finish my work. I failed a quiz in English. I had to go to the library to read for an hour after my morning classes. I had a crappy lunch. I went to choir and forgot a pencil and discovered more activities that I must somehow fit into my already packed schedule. How could a day that starts out like this end up simply beautiful, puzzlingly refreshing, and interestingly wonderful?

I know why...I spent time with one incredible new friend. One who loves me, talks to me, listens to me, is honest with me, and does not criticize me. She cares about me, and does not push me away when I need to talk.

I met 6 absolutely amazing new people. They have fun, they laugh, they joke, they care. They are amazing.

God provides people in life that may not share my faith, or see things my way all the time, but they love me. My Father is looking out for me while I'm here. He knows where I'm going, so I don't have to be worried about the journey. I simply need to stay in the passenger seat, He will take me where I need to go.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

What does the word love even mean? Webster tells us many things about love. He says that love is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. He also tells us that love is a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

But does that really tell us what love is? I know I feel affection for others, and I have personal attachment to many people.

Some define love as the willingness to do anything for that person. To help them through a hard time, to celebrate with them during happy times, or even to die for them. Love stops at nothing. But there has to be more than willingness to do anything and a feeling that one has for another.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Always. Love ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. Talk about pressure. Love includes so much. It scares me. How am I supposed to say, "I love you" if I can't be sure that I will ALWAYS do all of those things.

Lord help me to love. Help me to learn to love, I have no love in my heart on my own.

I miss the flow of the words. The ideas coming to mind. The way my fingers just keep going and going, typing words that can't stop popping into my head. The last week or so I haven't written one blog that wasn't hard to write. I kept having to think of things, and had to work on what I was going to say. For the first while, the ideas just came. I went with it.

I miss writing. I miss not having to work on my thoughts. Not having to pick and choose each word. I miss when the words were easy to come by, they looked like a beautiful picture, smelled of fresh morning, and had the power of a waterfall. They were there, in my head, just waiting to escape onto paper. I would read my blogs again and again and still be mezmorized by them. By how God had put these ideas in my head and had given me the inspiration to write them down.

I want that back. I want the feeling of easiness in my writing. Like the kind of easiness that comes when lounging on a porch swing with a warm blanket and a good book. The kind of easiness that comes when walking and talking with a friend and feeling like there is no one else on earth that matters at that moment. The kind of easiness I feel when I'm around my family, my beautiful and incredibly inspiring friends from home, my amazing new friends I've found here, and when I'm spending time with my Lord and Savior. The kind of easiness and comfort I feel sitting on my own couch, with my own family. The easiness that comes with a christmas tree, the aroma of pine and christmas cookies, ribbons, presents, cold weather, and good food. The easiness that I feel when I'm around a table with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents sharing a thanksgiving meal, knowing that these people love and care for me more than anyone else on earth. I want comfort in my writing like I have comfort in those situations. I feel as though I know them well, and am well aquainted with them. My writing and I have become distant lately and I miss it. Maybe tonight its coming back. This is the turning point in our relationship.

Chilly weather. The smell of fall is here. It is almost impossible to describe the way it feels. It feels like I should have a sweater draped over my shoulders, my hair pulled up into a ponytail, have crisp, dark jeans on, and some cute slip-on shoes. The kind of feeling that tells us we should be in school again. The feeling that makes me want to just spend a beautiful night surrounded by beautiful friends simply talking for hours on end. The feeling that tells me to take long walks at night with incredible friends looking into the starry night sky, walking arm in arm, and having deep conversations. The feeling that causes me to long for old friends who know and adore me. The feeling that gives me a need for familiarity.

But even though I have this need for old friends and familiarity, I am becoming more familiar with this new place. It is becoming home.

Fall is beautiful. This is the most loving feeling I've felt the whole time I've been here. It may not match up to the old friends, and the old love, but fall seems to help. The new air and the crisp smell. The feeling home and belonging.

Waking up to the cold air and rainy weather was oddly refreshing. I love fall, it means a new time, new friends, new classes, new knowledge, and new opportunities. New opportunities, how thrilling! The exciting opportunity to share with a good friend the good news I have in my life. Christ is here, he's real, and he cares and loves. The prayers of the night before were answered. I was told to share Christ with somone, and it happened. As the conversation took its turns and went around its corners I slowly began to come to the realization that I am about to share Christ with my friend. I am about to tell her about my faith. As this revelation came to me I cried out to the Lord that He would give me the perfect words to touch her heart, to let her know that I love her so much. I want her to see that God loves her too. I want her to hear and embrace this news that I've heard.

My prayers were answered. She may not have fallen to the floor in tears, but she heard what I had to say. We grew closer. She knows I am here, ALWAYS. Incredible day. Absolutely incredible.

I love it. I absolutely, positively, without a doubt love it. Everything about it. And you know what the funny thing is. I don't even know what this is that I love. Literally, I was sitting here... trying to think of something to write when this incredibly exciting feeling comes over me. My heart is racing, my fingers are excited, my eyes are wide. I just love it. I guess it is this feeling that I love. The feeling of knowing that something is going perfect, but having no idea what it is. It's all a mystery to me, and maybe it will always be a mystery, but something is going perfect right now. Something is going just the way that it should. God is working something out right before my eyes, and He is doing something absolutely incredible. It's beautiful. Its like I can see God's hand picking out each tiny detail from my life and laying it out so that he has created a beautiful piece of art. A picture of my life.

But now, I want to say something concrete. This evening I had no idea what I wanted to talk about in this blog, I was just going to skip tonight. But I wanted to write, and my dearest steph said something that absolutely amazed me:

When I can't think of anything to write about "i say that the words that once filled my head and the thoughts that usually clutter my mind have vanished and all thats there are the words of Christ. I love having no thoughts at all cause that gives all the room for Christ to consume your mind and heart."

I want the Lord to just talk through me, to "give me words to speak" (as Aaron Shust would say). I want to be used by Him! I want His voice to boom over mine, that no one would ever hear me. I want to be invisible. I want people who see me, to see HIM in me. Only him. I want to become nothing. I want to be swallowed up and engulfed by his unconditional love, undending glory, infinite mercy, indescribable righteousness, unfathomable kindness, blinding greatness, beautiful grace, wonderous light, incredible graciousness, and everything else. God is unending. I can not describe him. He is everything. And God, the everything, the creator, the King of the UNIVERSE, the Lord of lords. God created the universe. God also created your pinky finger, your 38256th strand of hair, each and every cell in your body, he hand-picked the genes that would become yours. He has known since all of eternity that you would be born on your birthday, at a certain time, in a certain place, by a certain person. He also knew that on September 16, 2008 I would be writing this at 1:18 am. He has known all of this since... eternity.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

It is not appealing. It is not attractive. It does not help your case. It does not interest people. It makes you look dumb. It hurts others. It causes problems between friends. It makes me frustrated. It makes my friends frustrated. It makes me sad. It causes drama. It starts rumors. It creates awkwardness. It does not excite me. It drives people away. It makes people want to give up. It peovides a feeling of hopelessness. It is discouraging. It is mean. It is disrespectful. It is not impressive. It is the tongue of the devil.

When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44b

Do you really want to be like the devil? Does the idea of speaking the same language of Satan seem attractive to you? Do you think that you will get anywhere with lies?

Well, you shouldn't, it shouldn't, and it won't.

The devil is a manipulator. What person wants to be known as a manipulator?

"Manipulate: To tamper with or falsify for personal gain"

I know I don't want to be known as one who falsifies things in order to make myself look better. Nobody is perfect, and I'm sure I've done it before. I'm sure we've all done it before. I am not trying to say that I don't manipulate. But I do not do it on purpose. I hate liars, I hate to lie. I hate when people think that I will think more of them because they lied.

In the end the devil will be defeated. The Lord will overcome and the devil will be defeated in the end. Therefore, all sin will be defeated.

The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

Revelation 12:9

He seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil, or Satan, and bound him for a thousand years.

Revelation 20:2

He will be defeated. God has a reason for letting him reside in the world. We have free will to do what we want, God wants to win us over. He wants us to follow him because we love him, not because its in our programming. It is though, we long to love. Why do you think that everyone longs for relationships, and to have someone to love them, and to be important? BECAUSE GOD MADE US TO LOVE HIM! But there is sin in the world, and that creates another factor. Our nature is to be sinful people, but once we find the Lord we know that He is the only way to go.

I'm sorry, I got off on a tangent there. I do that sometimes. The point is...

don't lie. It hurts and disappoints people. I hate lies. I love people, but I don't like to be manipulated. The ending of this blog was meant to be more powerful, but I got too excited in that last paragraph so now I can't get back into my groove.

Just know that the devil, along with all sin (lies included), will be crushed under the Lord's heel. The Lord will be victorious. Which side do you want to be on?

"What really matters?" It is written inside of my bible. It is a thought that often travels through my mind. It is an idea that constantly reminds me of my actions. It is a saying that always helps me set my priorities. The only problem is, sometimes I don't know "what really matters." Sometimes I'm not sure if I want to do "what really matters." Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm wrong about "what really matters." I do know one thing though. I know, for a fact, that if I cannot figure these things out, if I don't want to do it, if I'm not sure, or if I might be wrong that I can always turn to the Lord, and He will show me where my path should be going. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:6

But really, what does really matter? Well, I know that people put a lot of effort into their appearance. They care so much about what other people think of them. I mean, its perfectly fine to a point. You should care somewhat what others think of you, because if you didn't, you would just look like a low-life hobo who doesn't shower or have any kind of hygiene habits. So its fine for a while, but some people are obsessed. They not only work on their physical appearance, but they lie and manipulate in order to create a repuation for themselves that they think is flattering. Why? When people find out about the lies that you've been telling they are not going to want to be around you.So what really matters is to be yourself. To not let the the pressures that the world puts on your shoulders get you down. Don't give in to doing something just because you see the rest of the world doing it. I guess I need to say this to myself as well. I'm not near perfect, and I often let other people talk me into doing things.

What really matters to me is my relationship with Christ, my indescribable family, my unbelievable friends, the relationship I have with people, and the way I live my life as a Christian. My faith is my life. And THAT is what really matters.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

I see the beautiful sky. The selection of reds, yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples. The sky is the Lord's canvas. Who thought of what a sunset would look like? He Did! He came up with it, and people may say that they can paint a beautiful sunset as well, but the Lord thought of beautiful! He thought of the original idea of beautiful. He gave us the instinct to think of something as beautiful.

So, if the Lord's idea of beautiful is covering the blue canvas of the sky with wonderful arrays of beautiful colors, I wonder what the FIRST sunset looked like. The sun had just been created. The Lord had just brought the earth into existence and it is the very first day of all time. There had never been any kind of pollution, no damage to the atmosphere, and no kind of smog. Additionally, there is no sin in the world yet. The eyes that see this sunset can handle the more beautiful and pure sunset that is truly beautiful. It may have covered so much more of this blue canvas God had created. It may have had different colors in it. It may have been much more intense without all the pollution. It may have been absolutely and totally different. I wonder what it looked like though. What would it have been like to stand there as Adam or Eve and see this awe-inspiring sight.

We see a sunset and still see the glory of the Lord in those incredible colors, in the intensity of the orange sky, in the remenants of the day behind us. How much more incredible must the very first have been.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Kelsey: "Katie, I'm going to go to all three classes today."Katie: "AHHH yeah, I want to do that! I'll be there!"

Kelsey: "Cool, I'm excited!"

5:10-rolls around and I go downstairs and to the Fitness Center for my first class... Basic Step. You know, the class for old ladies where you step up and down on the block. It is NOT as easy as it looks. By the end of the class I was breathing hard and sweating. I felt like a wussy.

5:50-here it comes, the rough stuff. I was so ready to get my butt kicked by this class. And let me tell you... it was kicked alright, AND its still sore. phew, no wonder its called butts and guts.

6:20-oh my goodness. What a wonderful hour. Stretching, breathing, posing, holding, relaxing, thinking. It was so amazing to just sit there and be able to think about what is going on in my life. No interupptions, no distractions, no possibilities of being rudely awakended from my daydream. The last 10 minutes was simply me, laying down, thinking, breathing. There was nothing else. I thought about so much, I prayed, I talked to the Lord. It was incredibly relaxing.

The aftermath...

Thursday and Friday:

Sore, sore, sore, sore, sore. I cannot do anything but waddle. It is hard to sit down. My abs, hamstrings, thighs, everything hurts. But it is a good hurt. One that says that I've accomplished something, I've done something good, I've gotten something done. It's rewarding.

So, since I have no deep subjects to speak of on this wonderful day in September, so I wrote about my poor sore body.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Everyone seems to believe that their problems are the worst problems. That everyone should turn and look at them and how miserable they are.

NOT TRUE!

I despise that all these people are so full of themselves to think that they are having such a hard time with their little girly drama, their stupid boy problems, their hard schoolwork, missing their family, missing their friends, thinking they're fat, having a had hair day, wishing they had better skin, hoping for an easy way out. Everyone thinks that all their problems are the worst. That the world revolves around them, and that we should pity them. Why are we so selfish? Why can't we, for once, look around... open our eyes to the people around us and think about them? Why can't be stop being so full of it and simply care for another? Why do we expect everyone to care for us, and then never give a thought to someone else?

I think that all this is rather selfish. People get hurt all the time, worse than some could ever imagine, people go through things that some people hate to even think about. Lets care about them. Lets stop thinking that since we didn't get the guy we wanted that we are at the biggest loss. Lets start to expand our small bubble. Lets put ourselves out of the picture for once and just care. Care about friends, care about family, care about strangers, care about teachers, care about parents, care about children, care about animals, care about drunks, care about victims, care about thieves, care about murderers, care about rapists, care about liars, care about cheaters, even care about enemies. Our Heavenly Father loves everyone, even those listed here who some would say are "unlovable." I am going to try and love them because He loves them.

Stop thinking that you're having the hardest time, because chances are... YOU AREN'T!

I'm scared. The devil is here. He is prevelant in this place. I want to get out. He is surrounding me, he is surrounded everyone that is in this room. The dark, the smell, the screams. It hurts me. It hurts my ears, my eyes, my heart, my soul. It's killing me to be here. I need to get out.

Fresh air, night sky, bright moon. I need this. I have this, thank you, Lord. Thank you that I had no desire to stay there. Thank you for the heart you gave me to stay away.

Good friends, refreshing walks, yummy milkshakes. I love this, I love spending time with these people that calm me. I love seeing familiar faces. I love all of this. Thank you for giving me this escape.

Blue lights, loud sirens, sad phone calls. Another scary time, I don't want to hear this. I don't want to know that it could have been me. I thank the Lord Almighty for His deliverance. Thank you for rescuing me, Father.

One night, four experiences, totally different. I wish the good parts had been more prevelant. I never want to go through this again. I want to stay away from the devil. Draw near to the Lord and he will draw near to you. I love you, Dad.

Go here, go there, get to class, do your work, organize your life, come to this club, go to that event, get up at this time, go to sleep, go eat food, read this, write that, do this, say that. It was killing me.

The library is awesome!

The library is great!

I love the library!

Lets eat cake!

Well, that doesn't really rhyme, but I think it does. Basically the library saved my life today. I got almost ALL of my work done for the next two days. I feel free.

And even though this post is super nonartistic and very unoriginal and extremely noncreative, it was very necessary. Today, the library was my life... that and God.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

How amazing?! I love the feeling of a cool breeze, the warm sun, the sprinkle of rain, the sand under your feet, the arms that hold me, the voice that encourages me, the friend that loves me. So, maybe only a few of these things happened today. I felt some rain, and the Lord was definitely holding me in his arms, and a friend loved me today. A friend loved me... a NEW friend. A new lovely friend, who cares about me. Who wants me to be happy, who hates it when it is even a possibility I am struggling. A friend who accepts me for who I am. A friend who I can talk to without making sure I don't offend. A friend who I can actually stand being around. A friend who wants to hang out with me too. A friend who is sensitive to my feelings. A friend who doesn't make fun of me because of my beliefs. A friend who repects me. A friend who really, truly, and undoubtedly cares. I missed that feeling. I missed the love I used to feel when I was around my friends at home. So, maybe this is only ONE person, and maybe I have only known her for a short time, but she's real. She isn't a chronic liar, or a gossip girl, or a drama queen, or someone who just wants to get guys. I missed this. I missed the feeling of safety. She has helped me to feel relieved. I never knew that I was having such a hard time until I realized what I was missing. I had been lying to myself. I had been pretending that I was having a good time, and I was doing that so well... that I believed myself too.

Today I was hugged for the first time since my parents left me here.

Do you know what it feels like to be hugless for 2 weeks? I didn't. I didn't think it would be something I really missed. But it is. Mostly I miss when my mom would hold me after a long talk and we would just sit on my bed, and she would hold me, and I would cry. I would cry because I was sad, because I was happy, because I was relieved, because I was mad, because I felt misunderstood, because I was just so glad to be there being loved by my mother.

I miss being held by my sister, when we would talk and then we would laugh and we would be so happy we would have to go into an embrace.

I miss greeting my best friends with a heartfelt hug. A close hug, that was familiar to me. A hug that I knew well, and was always overjoyed to get.

I miss my youth pastor's hugs. A hug where he always said that he loved me, and I knew it was true. I knew that no matter where I went, I would always be loved.

I miss my mom's friends hugs. They would come up to me and say that I did a good job speaking, or singing. They would just come up and say how pretty I looked that day, or they would just want to give me a hug.

I miss my Grandpa's hugs. He would always give the best ones, where he would whisper in my ear, "I love you, you're beautiful," and I would know without any doubts in my mind that it was absolutely true. I could almost see the tears in his eyes, and to know that the only reason they were there was because of the immense care he felt for me gave me an indescribable feeling.

I miss hugs from guys. Even though this sounds like I just want a guy hug, I honestly miss them. Guys always give hugs that make you feel like you're safe, like as long as you're there nothing can happen to you. That feeling of safety seems long gone now.

I miss all of these things, and this may have gone a bit off-topic. But the point is, these hugs may not be here yet. I may still miss them. But a hug from a good, new friend is the best start I can think of.

Monday, September 8, 2008

It's another one of those days. Another time when I have no idea what I want to say, but I need to say something. I need to write something down. I keep thinking through the recent experiences I've been having and thinking of what I could write about them, but nothing seems all that interesting. So, I'm just going to write. Hoping my words for thoughts that make sense to someone outside of my train of thought.

God is good. I wrote yesterday about my walking down Elm St. experience, and it was incredible. The whole reason for that experience was because of my conversation the night before which I stayed up late to have. I was too tired to wake up early and go to the other church. But the conversation really helped me. It was pertaining to something that had been on my mind all day, and somehow God steered the conversation in the right direction. God spoke through my friend, and it was so obvious that I was hearing God's voice. Then once again it was reinforced when my friend heard the pastor talk about the same thing at church the next morning. God is so good! He's been teaching me so much lately. It's refreshing to be reminded of how blessed I am.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

108 West Elm St. I looked for this spot for 30 minutes at 10:30 this morning. I walked for 30 minutes trying to find it. Everytime I rounded a corner I expected it to be there, but it wasn't. I don't think I made a mistake though. Sure, I was tired this morning so I didn't want to have to get up early to go to the other church, but actually... having some time to myself did me more good than I thought. It's been two weeks since I've felt like I could really be alone and let my thoughts wander. The only time I get to experience this freedom is during my dreams. Other than that precious time of sleep, I am surrounded by people.

So maybe 108 West Elm St. was in a different place than I thought, maybe I didn't find it for a reason though. Maybe God wanted me to have those 30 minutes to myself. Maybe this was a little blessing in itself. I said to myself, "If I cannot praise God with others, then I'll just praise Him as I walk down Elm St." So I did. I talked to Him out loud, simply telling Him of my troubles, my experiences, whats going right, whats going wrong, thanking him for blessings, thanking Him for being unchanging, asking Him questions, and hearing His answers. It was a beautiful time of worship.

God doesn't need a stage, lights, music, and microphones to be there. He is with me always, and I can praise Him walking down Elm Street.

Who ever thought I'd hear the voice of God. What a beautiful sound it is. Whether it may come from an encouraging word from a sister, a verse in the bible, an encouraging article, or a message from a close friend. I heard His voice tonight. I heard it through a wonderful friend. I heard that sometimes situations that we are put in may seem like they are bad, but in reality the Lord gives these opportunities to us in order to let us be a light.

I could be a light, and I almost let the opportunity pass. Thank you Father for NOT letting it pass. For showing me in time that what I was thinking was foolish. What would Jesus do? Now I know.

Doesn't anyone else know that our plans are not going to work out? Our plans will fail, undoubtedly. People want things to go exactly as they plan, but that is not going to happen. They will be disappointed, and their plans will not go as they hoped. The Lord is the only one who knows what will happen. He has our entire life planned out, and we know nothing about his plans. His plans are better... so why do so many people think that their plans are the best? Why do so many people think that they know best? Why do so many people think that they could never be wrong? Why do so many people think that if their plans don't work, then it will be a disaster?

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Everybody is staring me down.They want me to be perfect.They want me to rebel.I cannot do them both.I need a way out,A way to release all of this pressure.I need someone, somethingto show me what is right.It is all so confusing.The weights of expectation are on my shoulders.The weight of the world is holding me down.I cannot let myself compromise.I cannot let myself let go of what is right.But, what is right?How far does it go until it is wrong?How much happens before its all wrong?

Then I hear the words that my head wants to block out.The words that the world wants to deny me.The words that the devil wants to get rid of.My head, the world, and the devil tell me to go, to compromise, to let go.But the voice tells me to hold on.It tells me to not let myself compromise.It tells me that what I'm thinking in my heart is what is right.I will listen to that voice.I won't let myself compromise.I won't let the devil deceive me.

I didn't want to come here. As soon as I got here I wanted to leave. This place was like a prison to me, a place that wanted me to suffer and be away from the ones I love. To have the wonderful relationships that I have from home develop distance.

But in reality I have made some amazing friends here. I've met some wonderful people who are funny, caring, beautiful, comfortable people some of which are believers as I am, some of which are not. I am actually deepening relationships from home as well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Well, I always thought it didn't, but now I see that it does. I realize who the people are that really care about me and I am able to develop those ones.

I guess leaving, being away, and missing people has actually turned itself into its own unexpected blessing.

Friday, September 5, 2008

I miss the smiles, the trust, the love, the hugs, the care, the comfortable feeling, the laughs, the happy tears, the sad tears, the mom, the dad, the sisters, the brothers, the true friends, the school, the life. I miss it all. It's all back there, moving on with the life it had before while I'm here, away from everything, missing everything. Isn't time supposed to stop when I'm not around to see it go by? When I leave I want it all to pause so that I don't miss a single detail of the first day of school, of the first day of youth group, the first day of cell groups, the first games, the nights of homework, the late night talks, the learning. I want to be there when she needs help with homework, when he needs a hug, when he has a birthday party, when she is making dinner, when he comes home from work, when she cries, when she smiles, when she needs advice. I don't want to let them down. I don't want to be the one who doesn't care. I don't want to be left out.

But I am. I'm here and they are there. It is all there. Just know I'm missing you, all of you.

All I have left is the Lord, He is the only one who stayed. The only who will never leave. He's just harder to see sometimes when everything around me tells me not to.

Ever had the uncontrollable desire to write? To form an opinion and put it on paper? To share your thoughts with the world? To express yourself through letters and commas and punctuation? I can't say I have, until now. There is not even a good reason for this desire, I simply had the sudden urge to write. I want to tell someone something, I want to express my thoughts, I want to form words and ideas and write them down. The problem is, I'm not much of a writer. I have never been much of a writer. From the time I was a child I always had a problem writing a beautiful, flowing paper. I've never been creative in writing, and I've never had good ideas for stories. When I was in first grade the best story I could come up with was "Billy and Sally went to go pick apples, Billy and Sally got lost, Billy and Sally found their way home. The End!" I guess its different though when I don't have to be creative, I only have to say what I'm thinking. So that's what I'm going to do, say what I'm thinking (or in this case, type).

Well, there is one more problem, I don't know what I'm thinking. Ten thousand things are going through my head and I can't pin them down. I can't seem to catch a thought and figure out what it means. They're all just up there in my head, swimming around, jumping all over the place, trying to get out. Silly thoughts, if they would just sit still I could get them out.

See, so I have a few problems... I'm not good at writing (but thats all I want to do right now) and I can't catch my thoughts (but I need to do that in order to write). What a confusing situation. Well, for the sake of my sanity let me try and pin one thing down that seems to be moving a little slower in my head. It's the one thing I can actually focus on at the moment.

Last night as I talked to my sister we talked about a situation she had been in. She wanted to love this person, even though this person was insulting her beliefs, and she simply wanted to help this person understand what they were saying. She was doing her best to be as loving and gentle and kind as possible, but this person would not hear of it. Every word she said came out as an attack, as a statement against them. After this conversation was over I went to read some scripture before I went to sleep. I have been reading through some of the New Testament, I went through 1 Corinthians and now I'm in Colossians. I read the last section of Colossians last night, and in Colossians 4:6 it says, "Let your conversation be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."HOW AMAZING IS THE LORD? He knew I would need that passage at that time and that's just when he gave it to me. It amazed me that throughout 2 months of reading it just so happens that I landed on that verse on the PERFECT night! How incredibly amazing. I am truly learning lately that there are no such things as coincidences. God orchestrates everything (not just what goes on in one life, but every tiny detail in all 7 billion people's lives!). This is no joke, God is real. There is no question. God is present in our lives today, the bible is relevant today. Doubt the existence of God? I think not.

A Day In The Life

There is no Webster definition of my life. That doesn't mean, though, that i have to define it for myself. Most people do define their own life. They work hard to make money, build a good reputation, become powerful, and be known as "good people." I don't have that burden on my shoulders because my heavenly Father defines my life. My identity is revealed in the person of Jesus Christ. I don't need to worry about making a lot of money, or having a good reputation, or being popular, or powerful. I don't need to work my butt off to get in good with the crowd. I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and my identity is found right there. It's not that I'm never worried, scared, or angry. I am human afterall. My life isn't carefree. I just know that everything is in the Lord's hands. Now that I've given it to Him, He does what he pleases with it. He defines my life. He IS my life.