15 signs your husband or wife is ready to leave you

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Is your spouse distant? Depressed? Worried they are having an affair? Couples counseling may be the answer. But maybe your husband is ready to leave you.

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It is important to know the clues and be on the lookout for signs that your husband or wife wants to leave you.

When one spouse files for divorce, the other can feel blindsided —until weeks and months later, they look back and see all the red flags they were missing, or ignoring, or repeatedly turned down for sex. For years.

In my case, my ex-threatened to leave for months. I was pregnant, and couldn't believe it — until he left his wedding ring on a shelf where he knew I'd see it. No subtlety there!

“There are often many indications of a pending divorce, but people don’t want to see them or acknowledge that their marriage may be in danger,”

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5. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails.

There may be an affair at play, or they may be waiting for a call from their lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or spending time researching alimony law.

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6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse.

From the Wall Street Journal:

“Michael Stutman, past president of the New York state chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says one red flag could come from the spouse who shows new interest in credit-card offers. The spouse could be trying to build up credit in his or her name or be concerned about maintaining access to liquidity during the divorce, he says.”

What to do now: Research all your accounts, collect documents for bank, savings, investments, real estate, debt, loans. Open accounts in your own name to build and maintain credit.

7. Rejiggering of assets or credit

Say, taking out large sums from a home equity line, unusually high spending on a joint credit card (or worse, one in the other spouse's name), or withdrawal from investment accounts. The opening of new accounts or credit cards in their name only is another sign. Or, unusually large cash withdrawals from accounts is another red flag, as is if a spouse stops contributing to investment accounts (because those funds may be stashed away as an exit strategy instead).

What to do now: Shit is now serious. Retain an attorney and move to freeze accounts. Half of this money is likely yours. Keep lots of records.

8. Intercept of financial or legal documents.

For example, if tax or investment documents were always mailed to both of you, and suddenly they stopped, your spouse may have signed up to receive them electronically — or snagged them from the USPS, or change account passwords without telling you.

Assume you are entitled to alimony as a stay-at-home mom — or terrified you have to pay it? Educate yourself about alimony law, and also understand the negatives of relying on alimony income from an ex.

12. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup.

13. Sudden interest in the kids

If they are thinking of leaving, and want to make sure they get lots of visitation time with the children, they show uncharacteristic interest in sports, religious, school and other activities, as well as ensure the kids spend lots of time with their side of the family.

14. An aggressive insistence to relocate to be near their extended family.

15. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck.

If you're still having sex, but the other partner stops caring about your pleasure, or intimate connection, they are checked out emotionally, and a divorce may be next. (Though I did report on weird cases where that chemistry outlives the marriage. Rare, weird but possible!)

What to do when your husband says he’s done

If your husband or wife clearly says they want a divorce, you have two options:

Try to change their mind, or

Accept that the marriage is over, and make plans to move forward with a divorce, and the rest of your life.

Many unhappy couples seek out therapy, both individually and together, to work through their troubles. Even if you have both accepted that the relationship is over, a skilled therapist can be useful in defusing the anger, and helping you move forward in an amicable way, so that negotiations around the children and money are less explosive, and you can focus on how to manage co-parenting, as well as best practices for helping your kids move through this difficult period.

One of the first co-parenting apps, and widely used app, OurFamilyWizard, which features chat, information storage (like pediatrician and teacher contact info, prescriptions, etc.), and financial record-keeping. 30-day free trial, discounts for military families, and a program to provide OurFamilyWizard free to low-income families. Each parent can add unlimited numbers of other people for free, including children, grandparents, step and bonus parents, as well as attorneys.

If you don't already have a therapist you like, asking friends for a local referral is helpful. Your religious leader, or even a trusted mutual friend can help, too.

What to do when a husband wants a divorce — and you don't

Online couples therapy offers the unique ability to communicate in a three-way call, video or text or email exchange with a certified and licensed therapist — without being in the same room as your soon-to-be ex. BetterHelp's database of thousands of therapists serve individuals, couples and teens. Better Business Bureau A+ rating. Check out BetterHelp now >>

Regardless of whether you choose to fight to keep the marriage together, agree to separate and divorce, or are scared out of your mind about the future … call a lawyer. Call a few family lawyers near you. Most attorneys will take your call for free, and answer your questions without charge. This is not only a good way to get a sense of who you may hire to help with a divorce, but also whether you need a lawyer at all. But most importantly, a lawyer will answer your questions and help you understand what your life post-divorce will look like, taking much of the fear and uncertainty out of what is one of the most stressful situations you will face in your life.

As you speak with attorneys, as well as friends who have gone through divorces of their own, consider what type of divorce is right for you. Do you really need to each have your own litigator, and drag the issue out in court? Or would a mediated divorce, in which the two of you agree to work through the divorce details with a mediator?

Or, could you agree to a non-contested divorce, in which you both work out your own agreement and file yourself? Even in the most amicable cases, it is advised to pay an attorney to look over your documents to make sure that you are both protected, and that the papers are filed according to your state's rules (so they are not rejected and you have to re-do them).

There are several quality online divorce apps. I like CompleteCase, because they provide all of the papers you need for your state, and the $299 flat fee includes unlimited document creation, and filing instructions for your state. Best of both worlds, and for a very good price. Check out CompleteCase now >>

Regardless of your path, start to educate yourself now about the divorce process, how property is divided in divorce, why shared parenting is usually best for kids, and how you can best move forward for a happy, healthy, independent life after.

What to do and say when a wife wants to leave

One of the most important tools you have at your disposal when going through a divorce is your support network. Perhaps this is a fantastic group of friends and family, a support group, therapist or another resource, you need people who get and love you — and are positive and productive.

My closed Facebook group Millionaire Single Moms understands what you are going through and will be a great sounding board and source of advice. Divorce is consistently ranked as one of the most stressful life events, but remember that it is passing, and life will get better (and then likely get worse at some point, but that is for another blog post!).

You get a year. A free pass for 12 months to be a freaky weirdo. Drink too much after the kids go to bed. Smoke a few cigarettes at break time with your colleagues. Let the house go, let the dishes pile up in the sink. Hell, might as well preemptively cancel the gym memberships, because you’re not going. Be stinky and oily, and let your pubes hang out of your swimsuit on a public beach in the Midwest. Sleep with a bunch of completely inappropriate people and wear things that no one at your age with your body should ever even think about wearing in public. Stay up all night stalking your college boyfriend on Facebook.

You’re good. No judgment here!

How do I know I'm ready for divorce?

There are a few times when you must get divorced:

Divorce is necessary if your spouse is abusive to you, your children, pets or anyone else. This includes physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and financial abuse.

You have to get divorced if your spouse wants to get divorced. You very likely can't change his mind — and even if you could get him to stay, that rarely works out long-term.

Marriage breakdown that he refuses to address or work on. It's over!

Other reasons are more subjective and personal. Here are some typical reasons you may be ready for divorce:

You are ready for divorce if you no longer respect him as a person, and have not for a while.

You are likely ready for divorce if there is no more sex or sexual attraction, and you are not OK with that. Couples navigate this issue in all kinds of ways, including acceptance and agreed-upon open relationships. You may find peace in one of these solutions, or you may be ready for divorce.

You may be ready for divorce if you changed and he didn't, or vice versa, or — most likely — you both changed in different directions, and no longer fit.

You're ready for divorce because you just want to be divorced. Maybe your husband is a really nice guy and you feel guilty about it. Maybe he is a decent person but really, really annoying. Perhaps you are in love with someone else and want to pursue that relationship — or be alone or date or otherwise be free. Maybe he is harmless but still an asshole. No matter what: You're over it, and that is OK.

Should I leave my husband / wife?

In addition to the emotional questions listed above, there are many other parts of divorce outside of the relationship itself. As you make your decision, ask these questions:

What will your life look like after the divorce? While you may be poorer short-term after a breakup, most people do financially recover, or at least become stable. Many people stay in miserable marriages because they believe that the immediate lower lifestyle is not worth it. But many people report that leaving an unhappy union is worth the financial struggle.

Are you prepared to be away from your children for half the time — or more? While equally shared parenting is becoming the norm, it is still common for one parent to be legally allowed to see the kids for a minority of the time.

Are you prepared to have the kids all the time? It is not uncommon for one parent who is granted minority time with the kids (the father, usually), to move away or otherwise not see the children. This leaves the time, logistical, financial and emotional responsibility on the remaining parent. Are you ready for that to be you?

Are you ready to co-parent with this person? The marriage may end, but you are in it for the rest of your lives if you have children with your husband or wife. This means that you may not be able to move to another location, must continue to compromise on parenting issues and otherwise negotiate with your spouse.

Regardless of your path, make sure you get the support you need and deserve. You may find that with your current family and friends, a new tribe of strong single women friends, or a trusted therapist.

Online therapy is a great option to consider — especially for busy moms. Sites like BetterHelp let you choose from thousands of licensed, certified counselors, who connect to you via phone, video, chat or email, with prices starting at $40/week for unlimited counseling, with a free 7-day trial. BetterHelp also offers couples counseling.

Prepare for divorce

Whether you are initiating the breakup, have been served divorce papers, worried your husband or wife is ready to file for divorce, or have mutually agreed to a separation, it is important to prepare yourself mentally and financially.

While the world tells you that single motherhood is the worst thing that can happen to women, many of us find it liberating and empowering — whether for a short time or the rest of our lives. Read more about my experience, as well as dozens of other single moms in 31 reasons single motherhood is AWESOME.

Moms also report the freedom that comes with purging and selling old items (his ugly-ass furniture, sell the engagement ring for $$,) decorating and owning a home all of your own, and keeping your house as tidy or messy as you like.

Also, start preparing yourself for what it will look like to co-parent with your soon-to-be-ex. Starting off the divorce process with integrity, a sense of fairness and peace establishes a precedent for positive, healthy co-parenting for the rest of your life — which is good for all parties involved.

How about you? What signs did you show that you were ready to leave you? What did your ex do to signal he was ready for divorce? Share in the comments …

Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist and author. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker,” her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Emma's Top Single Mom Resources.

About Emma Johnson

Wealthysinglemommy.com founder Emma Johnson is an award-winning business journalist, activist and author. A former Associated Press reporter and MSN Money columnist, Emma has appeared on CNBC, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, NPR, TIME, The Doctors, MONEY, O, The Oprah Magazine. Winner of Parents magazine’s “Best of the Web” and a New York Observer “Most Eligible New Yorker," her #1 bestseller, The Kickass Single Mom (Penguin), was a New York Post Must Read. A popular speaker, Emma presented at the United Nations Summit for Gender Equality. Emma's Top Single Mom Resources.

54 Comments

Laura Doyleon April 29, 2020 at 1:23 am

What a well-thought-out list! I think a lot of these points ring true for so many people (even if they don’t want to admit it!) As you said, a spouse can often feel blindsided until they look back and see everything they were missing. It’s important for them to see the signs as they happen and know the best way to react to them. Great piece overall!

Very good post. I really like what you share. It was really helpful to me. I will save and share these useful things to share with everyone and everyone will know you. I love you so much. Thanks & good luck!

My husband takes care of the finances and file taxes jointly but I did research and found out that he kept my half of stimulus money and didn’t tell me what does this mean I feel betrayed I can’t look at him and he just stares at the tv without saying anything

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How is opening a savings account in your name only protection? If a divorce happens then courts usually just split the accounts down the middle regardless of whoose name is on the account…right?

In the state of Washington it is a “Community Property” state. This means that all property and debt acquired during a marriage will be divided equitably by the court if the couple cannot negotiate an agreement. Property that is subject to division includes money, the marital home, retirement funds, business interests, tax credits and refunds, investments, insurance policies, household furnishings, art and other valuables, credit cards, patents/copyrights, and deferred compensation. If it was acquired during the marriage, chances are it will be counted as marital property.

I don’t see how an account in just your name is protection. I guess the only thing I can think of it would prevent the other spouse from going bananas and taking money out of the account.

In my case a a husband, I married a woman what was divorced 2 times before me and she had 4 kids, I had one marriage and one kid which once we married and tried to blend, my wife only focused on her lifestyle staying the same and her 4 kids as the only priority. My child who I spent 12 years raising as a single dad was treated like dirt, made to feel like she was bad and I lost my child over this. She moved out and in with her mother. My wife talks badly about me, my family and my friends. Did I mention I pay for everything down to her cell phone. two years of trying therapy, talking for hours, trying to work through it….. Got no where, she is the same as always and her kids did I mention 3 are adults. Still on my insurance, each has their own bed room and I have done countless things for. M daughter was run out and treated poorly. I am to blame for letting this go on. So I done, I am filing for divorce and want to rebuild my life with my daughter before she goes to college next year.

As for his article. Yes I stopped sleeping in same bed, having sex and disconnecting myself from her. You get to a point where you look at the damage to your life and how poorly your treated and say no more.

I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without the sleeping pills. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

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This is really a disgusting article. You offer your two cents on the tell tale signs of a partner who is considering leaving their spouse, and then after each “sign” you offer a marketing scheme! For example on number three you mention how if they stop planning for future life events like vacation, holidays, and home repairs, it COULD be a sign that your marriage is on the rocks. However in the “what to do now” section, you give a link to a divorce attorney. How dare you! Misguiding people like that just so you can make a few bucks on affiliate links…

Just for the record, number three has been an issue my husband and I have had in the past and we TALKED about it. And the reason he stopped planning things with vacations, holidays, and house repair is because he has been so consumed with work and finances. Im a stay at home mom, so he is the primary source of income in the family. Right now we’re in a financial rut, so his main focus is getting out of that. It takes over him. It’s a HUGE responsibility. But wait.. let me take your advice and call a divorce lawyer instead of understanding where my husband is coming from.

And number 13? Sudden interest in the kids? Give me a break. It could be the fact that your husband found all those Google searches on divorce attorneys and he’s trying to protect his ass for the future..

I understand that some of these might be signs of a dwindling marriage, but that’s all they are… signs. And you have the audacity to suggest to your audience to see a lawyer and check bank statements if any of these signs are in their lives instead of talking.

This is quite frankly one of the most stupid articles I’ve ever read. But I want to thank you. I want to thank you because my husband and I are going through our own struggles at the moment, and after reading this article it made me realize that in some point of our lives, we have experienced a few of these problems. We’ve experienced these problems and have TALKED about it. Even though I might not agree with his side of things sometimes, at least I have an understanding of where he’s coming from. And seeing that we always come back together and communicate despite the problems makes me feel stronger about our unity.

I’m not trying to be a troll. Marriage, love, and commitment is just something that is very important to me, and I’m sure the majority of your audience. Instead of giving them a vision of hope and understanding of their partner, i get an overwhelming feeling of relationship doom in this piece.

Yes relationships get rocky, yes partners question their spouses from time to time, yes there are heated arguments and harsh words we throw at each other. EVERYONE has rocky moments in a relationship. Part of the reason relationships fail and why these “red flags” start getting worse with time is the lack of communication between partners. And I’m talking about real communication, not arguing, screaming, and pointing fingers at one another. It’s a buildup effect, which you fail to mention in your article. You give a clear exit strategy for a relationship, but no explanations and no resolution to possibly save the marriage. Meanwhile thousands of people come here searching for answers, for hope in the relationship, and then you fill their head with this nonsense instead of giving them strategies to work it out with their partner.

I’m real sorry about your experience from your ex, but different people have different lives and different situations that result in their problems. Keep that in mind next article you write. Just a suggestion.

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I’ve come to realize that marriage is a bunch of bull. No matter what you feel, when your spouse is done, they are done. I have been hanging on for years hoping my wife would come back and now I am consumed by it every day. No matter how good of shape I get into, how well I play by her rules, or how many damn books I read, it doesn’t matter she is gone. The dream marriage is all that it is. A dream that turns into a nightmare. I have and will always love her but I know now her love is gone. Best advice for anyone is to not get married. Be happy with you and live your life for you. Vows don’t mean anything. They are only for show. I hope if you are struggling like me that you find peace one day. And do not bring god into this because I see now there is not a god. It is all a lie. Don’t rely on that pipe dream. Don’t be a fool like me. Good luck. Sincerely, father of 4 with a broken heart

Thank defiantly deserve to know the truth of this relationship my close family had said he was planning to leave I’m just ready for it to be over and done with i feel like he is just waiting for a opportunity to gather money for another vehicle and a place to stay his brother doesn’t want him to live with him again

13. They read wealthysinglemommy.com and have shunned being around your children in exchange for working later hours trying to get a promotion for her own personal gain because MONEY is the ultimate goal in life.

Are you blaming someone else for the demise of your marriage? My suggestion is to stop blaming Emma for your failures and start looking at yourself. Maybe the reason your wife has to work so hard is because her husband is incapable of taking responsibility for himself and his own life. Why don’t you start being a real man and fix your life instead of blaming others? I bet your wife would love to have a man she can depend on instead of a weakling with a victim mentality. No one wants to be married to a crybaby who harasses women online. I am so sick of seeing your endless whining on this blog, I can only imagine how your poor wife feels. It’s exhausting just reading it so I can’t imagine living with it.

Newsflash! YOU and only YOU are responsible for what happens in your life. If you don’t like it then look at yourself and make some changes. If you won’t change then you don’t want to be married that badly. Don’t respond with whiny excuses because I don’t want to hear them.

I beg your pardon, I worked my job 6 and 7. Days a week for 17 years of our 19 year marriage, I got hurt on my job 2 years ago and was out of work for 15 months, I had a lawyer that was able to get me a settlement from my job, my son went to the military and my wife left. When I call and try and talk to her she calls me pathetic, wish she would never have met me and tells our son to make sure that he knows who hes marrying or they could end up like her.

Why is a man “weak” for having the emotional bandwidth to love and express heartbreak? Are these attributes exclusive to women? I would NEVER want my son to be chastised for expressing himself, especially if he were losing his love.

If you truly believe a man is weak when he professes his sadness or loss, you are admitting.that women are also weak because they behave in normal ways when hurting. That only perpetuates the fallacy of a women as a weaker sex. Stop doing this to Menander women , in our society. The entire topic is about strength and survival after loss of a partner, probably because intimacy is lacking, yet, some here mock emotion.

Lol….what I’m seeing here is disgruntled men making valid comments like myself who are burned out and done bc of modern womens’ sense of laziness and entertainment. I did everything under the sun to please my critical, unfaithful, unloyal and demanding wife. I worked a great career until i became 100% disabled from a serious form of arthritis. She was miserable and judged me as “lazy” bc I had days where I couldnt walk. Regardless i still cooked all of our meals, all the laundry, all the cleaning, while doing all the “manly” duties including car repairs, lawn and yard maintenance and home improvements. Mind you I’m walking with a cane. She worked part time and grocery shopped and pretty much complained that she had to leave the house. See, I’m not alone in this paradigm and this is an example of why marriage rates are dropping bc of women’s entitlement. The fact is that divorce courts are antiquated with laws meant for uneducated and careerless housewives in 1954 who couldnt survive without their exhusbands assistance which was understandable. These divorce laws havent changed and now career women are getting alimony and child support that isnt reflective of actual necessity. My buddies wife had her MBA and made more money than him. After the divorce (she blindsided him with while sleeping with his boss which it’s a fact infidelity is very common with married women wanting a divorce ) he ended up living in a studio apartment while she ended up with their 4000 square foot home that he BOUGHT before they were married. He ended up paying her more than half his salary so he couldnt even afford to live while she is considered a wealthy single mother. Hmmmm Ring a bell ladies? This is happening to millions of men in this country where we pay over half our salaries and assets and you wonder why men are angry and fed up? I will probably pay a 3rd of my SSI which isnt much to begin with. She will most likely get the majority of our assets just because she is a female. she will live comfortably and I will live on scrapes while barely seeing my kids. Tell me, how does marriage benefit us men bc this is happening to many men exponentially? It’s a fact that women initiate divorce 80 percent of the time. It’s no wonder why….cha ching!!

Maybe she see’s you as intrusive or a controlling personality, maybe you’ve taken over everything she once enjoyed doing but became burnt out! How do I know this? Because I have a spouse seemly similar to you, even my own adult daughter looks back and saw how her own father was a narcissist! Take a deep look at your past actions and stop justifying your past action for the greater good! Seriously!

Always have a prenup!!! It’s not sexy or romantic but it protects both parties AND keeps your assets out of government hands! Marriage can thrive when both parties are equally and fairly treated from the beginning. Wills are for the committed. If a person won’t sign one, RUN!

I’m sure there’s more to THAT story Waylon. Some people don’t WANT to scrape by in life on the bottom ladder rung. Do you have any drive or ambition to get ahead in life? If you answered no, then it’s time to take an honest look into the mirror. Money isn’t the MOST important thing. But it’s pretty high up there.

My husband,is just acting weird,not talking to me much,says he doesn’t want to be around anyone,,sex,is not like it use to be,n when we do have it,it is usually once a week,,he doesn’t plan trips anymore,or anything,he never says I love u never has,,,n he is grumpy all the time,n blames me for anything that goes wrong,n talks awfully mean to me,we been married 39 yrs,n I love him regardless of the fact that he is grumpy, ,,but I am just to the point of I am tired of trying to love someone who just doesn’t seem to give a crap about me, ,you can’t make someone love you, ,,Anyone can email me with any help,,cata@blomand.net

You talk about stopping the husband bashing, when in reality your whole premise is to give wives a way out of marriage. You have mentioned signs of husband or wife getting ready to leave as a smokescreen to hide your true persprctive. Trying to sound as though you are playing a level field when in fact you know as a female, wives will swallow everything you have to say hook line and sinker because of the way you wrote your article. Being a female, yourself you cannot help but feel more empathy for wives who are in this situation, but are too weak-minded to leave whereas the man on the other hand is deemed stronger in any relationship, so your thoughts are primarily geared toward the female. When you read this and you are digesting what I have said, be honest about your true intentions as a woman who obviously has been through some type of relationship trauma yourself.

Every article you write is filled with the bitterness in your life that condescends against women and men who don’t fit your corporate-money centered lifestyle or do not share your life history. Your prose is filled with projections from the emptiness in your soul, the things that you alone feel are the cause of your unhappiness. EVERY article you have written in the past 4 months references MONEY as the savior for women. My God what a smashing world you must desire to live in that MONEY is your end goal in life. Here is a hint that might shatter your Marxist-Feminist view but a majority of men do not seek out MONEY as an end goal in life, the same male windmills you tilt your lance at in these pages (strawmen you alone have created). We know this to be true because successful people don’t write blogs blaming others for their failings or use cheap put downs about their competitors in life.

I believe it can go ether way. In truth I believe in society today woman are advancing more in What a man is supposed to do and i believe generations are flooding father figures divorce is easy marriage is hard and work nether side anymore can put God first. That is the sign of devorce

Here is the simple truth…..ALL the power, in any relationship, goes to the one that loves the least. You can’t make a person love you. If they want out, they will find a way. Best thing to do, if you truly love that person, is to let them leave. Maybe they can find their happiness again. Maybe they won’t. The best advice is NEVER lose the communication. It will kill a marriage….. quick. No matter what, be able to talk about ANYTHING, not yelling, talk. After all, we did marry our best friend. Please never forget, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.

My husband tells our friend, in front of me, he will out live me. I just had knee surgery and have been in a lot of pain but not terminally ill. I fell alarmed by this. Not that it matters who goes first. It just that he would say this out loud. I would never do that to someone. My friend felt embrassed for me. I’m thinking divorce. I don’t know how to get around this.