Fantasy Sports: Screwy college football bowls require screwy logic

Now that all fantasy football leagues are embedded into playoff time, there are some of us left on the outside, bemoaning all of this season's could-have-beens.

Thankfully, college football has thrown together 35 games — seriously, 35 — that they append "Bowl" to their name to fool us into caring. Since I have nothing else to do, here's my pick for all of those games:

New Mexico Bowl, 2 p.m. Dec. 21

Colorado State

over Washington State

Colorado State's mascot is Cam the Ram, which is a little cutesy but makes sense. Washington State's is Butch T. Cougar, and in a fit of intense elucidation, his Wikipedia entry states: "As his name indicates, Butch is a cougar." The entry also says that Butch has not been represented by a live cougar since Butch VI died in 1978. Cutesy live ram still trumps that.

Las Vegas Bowl, 3:30 p.m. Dec. 21

USC over Fresno State

The USC Trojans derive their name from ancient Greeks. Zeus' daughter, Tyche, is the goddess of fortune and luck. The game is being played in Las Vegas.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, 5:30 p.m. Dec. 21

San Diego State over Buffalo

I could not find any evidence that buffaloes eat potatoes. Although Googling this largely just gives one buffalo wing-flavored potato recipe, so I am not claiming expertise.

New Orleans Bowl, 9 p.m. Dec 21

Tulane over Louisiana-Lafayette

To watch all the games on this inaugural day of bowls would require at least 10 hours of your time. Tulane has a drinking song whose first two lines are:

"Drink, drink, drink, drink

Drink, drink, drink, drink"

The spirit(s) seems fitting.

Beef O'Brady's Bowl, 2 p.m. Dec. 23

Ohio over East Carolina

East Carolina isn't even a real state.

Hawaii Bowl, 8 p.m. Dec. 24

Oregon State over Boise State

Hawaii is known as the Paradise of the Pacific. I don't think Boise is even the paradise of Idaho.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, 6 p.m. Dec. 26

Pittsburgh over Bowling Green

To engage in the traditional post-Christmas meal, those who attend Pittsburgh have four Little Caesars within their city limits. There is only one in Bowling Green, Ohio.

Poinsettia Bowl, 9:30 p.m. Dec. 26

Northern Illinois over Utah State

The Huskies' cardinal is the closest school color to the red of the poinsettia involved in this contest.

Military Bowl, 2:30 p.m. Dec. 27

Marshall over Maryland

Only one of these schools is the last name of the first General of the Army.

Texas Bowl, 6 p.m. Dec 27

Minnesota over Syracuse

Texas has problems with pocket Gophers, some of that problem being that they eat Orange trees. This has been brought to you by stunningly appropriate mascot-based facts.

Fight Hunger Bowl, 9:30 p.m. Dec. 27

BYU over Washington

In such a humanitarian-sounding game, how could you go against the Mormons?

Pinstripe Bowl, noon Dec. 28

Notre Dame over Rutgers

Somehow, the classy image of pinstripes seems to mesh with Fighting Irish to me. It at least meshes better than when combined with New Jersey.

Belk Bowl, 3:20 p.m. Dec. 28

Cincinnati over North Carolina

Belk is apparently "a leading retail department store offering the latest in women's, juniors' and kids' apparel." I was not aware of this, but the answer was available. No one has yet been able to make available a definite answer as to what a Tar Heel is, so I'm holding a grudge.

Russell Athletic Bowl, 6:45 p.m. Dec. 28

Louisville over Miami

It is impossible to read the name of this bowl and not think of athletic supporters. The NCAA seems to determine rather often that Miami has issues with its athletic supporters.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, 10:15 p.m. Dec. 28

Michigan over Kansas State

Wolverines coach Brady Hoke could put away multiple times more wings than Wildcats coach Bill Snyder. Exhibit A: Inputting Hoke's name into Google images returns the top two categories of "Brady Hoke eating" and "Chris Christie."

Armed Forces Bowl, 11:45 a.m. Dec. 30

Navy over Middle Tennessee

They call it the Armed Forces Bowl and then make players awake for a morning kickoff time. Middle Tennessee doesn't even expect Middle Tennessee to win.

Music City Bowl, 3:15 p.m. Dec. 30

Ole Miss over Georgia Tech

You cannot top a team representing Robert Johnson in the Music City Bowl without making your own deal with the devil.

Alamo Bowl, 6:45 p.m. Dec. 30

Oregon over Texas

Visitors win at The Alamo — it's historical fact.

Holiday Bowl, 10:15 p.m. Dec. 30

Texas Tech over Arizona State

The Holiday Bowl takes place on the day before the day that is a fake holiday? That makes no sense, just like a two-touchdown underdog winning.

AdvoCare V100 Bowl, 12:30 p.m. Dec. 31

Boston College over Arizona

This used to be the Independence Bowl, and Boston and independence go together like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

Sun Bowl, 2 p.m. Dec. 31

UCLA over Virginia Tech

Virginia and sun, however, go together like Virginia and winning the Civil War…

Liberty Bowl, 4 p.m. Dec. 31

Rice over Mississippi State

…or is it like Mississippi and liberty?

Chick-fil-a Bowl, 8 p.m. Dec. 31

Texas A&M over Duke

It is fitting that two southern teams are playing in a bowl sponsored by a company doing what it can to advance the deepest of Deep South values. The deeper team thus comes out on top here.

Gator Bowl, noon Jan. 1

Nebraska over Georgia

Heart of Dallas Bowl, noon Jan. 1

UNLV over North Texas

Capitol One Bowl, 1 p.m. Jan 1

South Carolina over Wisconsin

Outback Bowl, 1 p.m. Jan 1

LSU over Iowa

Early on New Year's Day? Iowa is No. 1, Wisconsin ranks eighth and Georgia 11th on the Princeton Review's list of party schools for 2013, so they might not be ready for that game time.

Those from Las Vegas, though? It's not even their bedtime yet.

Rose Bowl, 5 p.m. Jan. 1

Stanford over Michigan State

The game name, stadium name, and Tournament of Roses parade are sometimes enough to convince women to care. Tiger Woods went to Stanford and is the king of making women care.

Fiesta Bowl, 8:30 p.m. Jan 1

Baylor over UCF

The fact that Jimmy Kimmel has started a contest in which viewers can send him a single chip that he will then put into a bowl and eat while watching the game stands to be the most entertaining part of this contest.

Sugar Bowl, 8:30 p.m. Jan. 2

Alabama over Oklahoma

Isn't it nice to get down to these bowl names that feel like something? Or at least make some sort of sense? It would also make sense that a team that is a no-time-left, 109-yard, missed-field-goal return away from playing for a third straight national championship wins its bowl game.

Cotton Bowl, 8 p.m. Jan 3

Oklahoma State over Missouri

But not every team that was a steppingstone on the Auburn express can turn it into motivation.

Orange Bowl, 8:30 p.m. Jan. 3

Ohio State over Clemson

Speaking of playing with a chip on one's shoulder pads, how about returning to a bowl game one season after NCAA sanctions kept you from playing in one after a perfect 2012 season?

BBVA Compass Bowl, 1 p.m. Jan 4

Houston over Vanderbilt

GoDaddy Bowl, 9 p.m. Jan 5

Ball State over Arkansas State

These are the two fill-in games, the insignificant contests someone thought people could care about ahead of the season's final contest. In honor of the mindset, I have picked the schools that feel more insignificant to me. I feel no need to apologize for this, since that status gains them the advantage in this dynamic.

BCS Title Game, 8:30 p.m. Jan. 6

Florida State over Auburn

Jameis Winston has proven rather adept at avoiding pesky nuisances that appear to have chances to bring him down.