Spoof news stories from Friday 12 February 2010

Being in the top ten VoIP companies worldwide with revenues that exceed £10 a year, STRYPE leads the way in video conferencing quality. Yesterday, the company's spokesman announced the beta version of the client that will enable people to have video-...

London - (Portents): The still throbbing remains of a Hyde Park beaver, split down the middle by a passing No14 bus, have sent shockwaves through Buckingham Palace.
Hellfire Club haruspicy experts - proficient in the art of divining the future by...

Finally the FSA sees the writing on the wall as, in a startling move, that for once showed incredible foresight and presence of mind, Pants mumbling Chief of the FSA has seen something that was as plain as the nose on his smug face and resigned.
M...

Political pundit and former U.S. vice-presidential candidate , Sarah Palin, is demanding equal diary space in The Spoof! Palin stated that failure of The Spoof to include her diary on its website is a plot to silence the voice of the common man and...

London - (RIP Mess): "The two could have been identical twins, spawned by some anonymous gangland capo and separated at birth to conceal their true ID," conspiracy theory sources said today.
But McQueen family members were staying resolutely schtu...

Why is it that nobody with any credibility ever sees a miracle? I mean, think about it. Miracles are always seen by eight-year-old peasant children playing in the Spanish countryside or illiterate farmhands with local reputations for lively imaginations and a fondness for the grape.
They report sightings of saints and angels and blinding lights and weeping statues and other such phenomena wit...

London - (Well-Hung Parliament): The aerial view of its boundaries is unequivocal: from above the Westmonster North constituency traces the outline of a loaded .44 Mangum.
And this week an OK Corral-sized shoot-out for the Tory electoral candida...

Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Democrats joined forces today to announce a new strategy for the Health Care Bill currently languishing in congress.
As she has repeatedly stated Democrats will do whatever it takes to pass comprehensive health care...

Prince Andrew renowned for his notorious behaviour with women and helicopters has been involved in an accident outside Buckingham Palace involving a policeman.
The "Bobby" was attempting to make way for Andy entering the palace, he needed to borro...

Stevie Wonder is so angry he refuses to wave his head about anymore, and Paul McCartney has stuck his hands in his pockets and says he won't give the thumbs up sign ever again.
Why are these two so upset?
I'll tell you why: Ebony and Ivory are...

Confident in his doctor's skills and in the stint technology used to strengthen the walls of his arteries, Bill Clinton reportedly made an unscheduled stop on his way home from the hospital, for a three-pack chili dog combo and a side of cheese fries...

Detectives are investigating an incident in which Prince Andrew allegedly struck gold while driving into Buckingham Palace yesterday.
The Grand Old Duke of Yorkie Bar reportedly made the strike as a policeman held him up at the Palace gates to gro...

Chelsea and England Footballer, Ashley Cole, is set to reveal all by appearing as a guest on The Jeremy Kyle Show,ITV has confirmed.
Source's have claimed that the reason behind Ashley's shocking choice to appear on the show,is to prove to his wif...

DUBAI - John Terry's wife, Toni is certainly wasting no time sitting around crying over spilt milk, spilt tea, or spilt crumpets.
The very attractive 29-year-old WAG agreed to be featured in one of the world's top men's publications, The Dolls of...

BALD HEAD ISLAND, North Carolina - Senator John "Playboy" Edwards has asked his former staff member and mother of his daughter Frances Quinn, Rielle Hunter to be the next Mrs. John Edwards.
Hunter, (pronounced: HOME WRECK-ER) could not say the lit...

The Obama administration announced this morning that the federal government will open a nationwide network of government "change" offices beginning today. The offices will be located in major malls and will be operated by the new United People's Depa...

Soup is funny. It's not really a main course, but it's not a side dish either because it's mostly made of water. I find soup to be the most watery of foods.
There are soup that have beans in them, but they're not bean-dishes. Conversely, there are bean-dishes that are very soupy, but they're not soup.
Some people put bread in their soup, while others put soup in their bread. To me it's arbi...

"Yes, the Toyota drivers may dominate either the winner's circles or the hospital beds come this season", stated a member of Dale Earnhardt Jr's pit crew. "But we don't want Dale Jr. in one."
That's the big story at the start of the 2010 NASCAR s...

Former Bush Secretary Of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, who was at the Grammy Show recently and saw the Michael Jackson tribute, says that he wished that troubled man had called on him for support during all those battles he has been through by the press.

Yes it's true. At last the news that green campaigners have been waiting for - all climate skeptics are brain dead morons who can't even manage to do their own secondary research (reading other people's papers on the subject).
An anthropolegicalge...

Bladder Creek resident Debbie Arlene Snotgrass, 52, affirmed her faith Thursday in both her seventh marriage, to local band drummer, Bobby Jim Casey, 58, and the existence of magical unicorns.
"I often feel my own special unicorn watching near me all the time," said Snotgrass, a religious collector of unicorn-decorated collector plates, quilts and paintings. "And I just know that Bobby Jim and...

With a voice sometimes shaking with emotion, John Mayer's penis issued a public statement condemning the guitarist's recent racially-charged comments about him in a recent Playboy magazine interview.
Speaking to a gaggle of reporters outside his L...

Top Michael York lookie-likey, Andrei Arshavin has been dramatically cast in the 2010 reworking of the 70's classic Cabaret.
York, although still medically fit enough to play the role was said to have declined after having doubts over co-star cas...

NASHVILLE, Tennessee- Blues singer John Mayer took the opportunity to clear the air by apologizing on stage at his Nashville concert.
Mayer expressed his regret for a remark he made in a recent Playboy Magazine interview about something he said w...

Apple spokesman Chris Bones reveals new app that allows the user to communicate with Space Shuttle Astronauts.
"You can use this feature to talk directly with Astronauts during a two hour window that has been arranged by NASA, this would allow yo...

TV Chef, Heaton Bloomingspall OBE, has sensationally claimed that he has the answer to combat childhood obesity.
Speaking from the en-suite laboratory situated in his luxurious marshmallow penthouse in Bolton (yes, it really is in Bolton) he said,...

Honey bees of all descriptions have been disappearing from honey farms all over the world for several years now, perplexing scientists and apiary keepers alike.
Now the reason has been discovered and it is quite surprising.
All bees have an int...

Senator Richard Shelby of Alabama using an arcane and barely known rule of the Senate today blocked all the utilities going to The White House. Most Americans were outraged and Republicans were gleeful as the media rushed to cover the story.
Presi...

The Obama administration threw a temper tantrum today, which broke out during the daily press briefing.
"We sincerely wish to put an end to bipartisan bickering," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. He then pointed his finger and said, "so nobody l...

The IPCC have declared the winter of 2009/2010 the warmest ever this year. "Our records go back 14 million years," Mr Pachauri, chair of the IPCC, said recently. "We're scientists and we know, so there."
Asked about the recent heavy snow storms an...

Gordon Brown today announced that as of next Monday morning everyone in the UK should stay in bed under their nice warm duvets until the temperatures begin to climb higher than the single figures they have been since the summer of 2009.
It's been...

Inspired by an article here about commemorative plates autographed by rock star Jesus Christ (real name Joshua Tarantino), we tracked down the reclusive singer to his home in East Jerusalem.
At first he refused to do an interview but changed his mind when we offered him thirty pieces of silver, as 'that was how much Judas Iscariot made out of the Romans for trying to frame me as some sort of fr...

Internationally renowned software designer and animated pornography director, Nick Knack, announces a new 3D interactive game for use on all home gaming consoles, based on the fictitious character Paddy McFarlane.
As the name of the game, and Kna...

Though John Mayer is still embroiled in controversy over his use of a racial slur in a recent Playboy Magazine interview, Jessica Simpson added to Mayer's troubles by ending their relationship after his interview was made public.
Though Mayer coul...

A woman in her sixties has been charged with Grievous Bodily Harm by the Health and Safety Executive after swatting an 'annoying' fly.
Mrs Palmer from Scunthorpe was dusting furniture in her living room when the incident occurred.
"It was buzz...

A leader climate change scientist working at the now infamous University of East Anglia Climatic Research Unit (CRU), admitted yesterday that the threat of Global Warming was made up during a drunken party at Stringfellows nightclub in London.
Ami...

The Space Shuttles Endeavour,Atlantis and discovery are up for sale on Ebay at 17.7 million pounds each the problem is that even if you have 17.7 million pounds NASA have taken the engines out and even if the engine was there the cost of fuel to get...

In the hills near the shores of the Dead Sea there is a small, closed Christian monastic community. It was here, almost 2,000 years ago that a manuscript was prepared that set out the way of life that all Christian monastic orders have followed ever...

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has finally admitted that the whole anthropogenic global warming thing was a hoax, a simple joke designed to cheer up the world, which, it says, has become, "far too serious lately."
They apparently hi...

First Lady Michelle Obama linked Child Hood Obesity to national security during a White House press event to launch her "Let's Move" campaign to end childhood obesity.
She rightly pointed out "A recent study put the health care cost of obesity-rel...

Spain is a country with a lot of sunshine. On average, parts of the country has upwards of 3,000 days of sunshine a year. That's a lot more than it needs, though the population no doubt finds it very enjoyable.
By contrast, Iceland is a country th...

Dr Dolittle met up with Skippy the Bush Kangaroo in Australia today and he was not a happy Kangaroo.
"I want to make one thing perfectly clear" said Skippy "I don't want to be called Skippy The Bush Kangaroo I never supported George Bush in any way so I want this bloody silly song changed to Skippy The Brave Kangaroo"
It was clear that Skippy was not a happy bunny I mean Kangaroo as he then...

Scottish Boxer Ken Buchanan who was World Light Weight Champion from 1970-72 is planning a comeback at the age of 65 so boxing authorities are now considering a World Boxing Championship for pensioners so you must be 65 or more to compete.
Former...

Mr X has been speaking to Jim Jones a structural engineer from New York on the incident he refers to as the Indestructible Passport. As we all witnessed on Television after the planes hit the two towers people were vaporised and concrete and solid steel were reduced to dust.
When we spoke to Jim he said "How can a plane that is made of aluminium knock down a steel structured building even the a...

HOLLYWOOD - Beyonce Knowles, singer, songwriter, model, actress, and dancer can now add another name to her long line of titles.
Ms. Knowles has now entered into the perfume business. Beyonce was approached by the French perfume company, La Fragra...

In an incident that is being called 211 because it took place on February 11th this year the Spoof website was sabotaged and taken off line and the main culprit is thought to be the New World Order or Illuminati.
The Spoof for many years now has b...

Shock photographs have emerged of MP Alistair Darling relaxing at home.
The photo's, leaked to us by Bert Tweedle, one of Darling's aides, or 'Darling's darling's' as they have become known, appear to show Darling lounging on a sofa, whilst drink...

Former President William Jefferson Clinton was admitted yesterday to NY Presbyterian Hospital with chest pain. It was initially reported that he had coronary arterial blockage caused by a buildup of cholesterol plaque in the artery.
Subsequently...

LONDON - Vanessa Perroncel, one of the world's most famous lingerie models has agreed to fill in as Sky News Host while Kay Burley takes one weeks vacation.
The 49-year-old Burley plans to take care of some personal matters involving some horses w...

Beleaguered auto manufacturer Toyota may be in store for consumer lawsuits based on loss of value after Kelley Blue Book, a leading used-car value service, lowered its estimated resale prices for the recalled models by 2.5% to 3.5%.
The resulting...

A billboard with a picture of a smiling George W. Bush paired with a caption "Miss Me Yet?" is drawing attention to the small town.
The ad was taken out by a group of small business owners who prefer to remain anonymous.
The message they beli...

Former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was the keynote speaker at the first official Tea Party convention.
The convention is an attempt to organize the grass roots Tea Party movement into a force able to endorse and elect polit...

On February 25th, President Obama will hold a bipartisan meeting on health care reform broadcast live, according to a senior administration official.
It is the Obama administration's latest attempt to pass health care reform legislation, which is...

TheSpoof.com writers may be please to know that Mr. Mark Lowton, owner of TheSpoof.com has returned from a well deserved vacations in Mayorca and is now in fine fettle to resume his strong hand on the tiller.
Mr. Lowton reports that Mayorca is a...

Does America like Ellen? What the polls are suggesting is that everybody doesn't care, so the polls turned to rephrasing the question.
Does American Idol audiences like Ellen? Some audience members when asked to use their auto poll phones provid...

The Tiger Woods stories and jokes are starting to dwindle, and so the many mistress tales are also sliding down the ladder of 5 minutes of fame.
Some of the mistresses are coming up with new ways to stay in the limelight by making comments about...

Madison Square Garden was Kindle-ized yesterday, as the electronic readers from Amazon had the first of a series of one-day solidarity meetings to discuss common concerns. This time the concern was how to get gifts from their owners.
"Just beca...

Mr X has been researching the 20 minute time difference on the fall of building seven another one of these strange happenings regarding the 911 incident in which thousands of innocent people lost their lives.
Interviewing people in New York Mr X w...

During a recent labor dispute NASA Mission Control technicians went on strike while Shuttle "Cloudflop" was still in orbit. The space agency outsourced its HELP DESK to a company in India.
During re-entry a serious problem developed.
Here is a transcript of the request for help.
User CLOUDFLOP has entered room
CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 12:40:18 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)
W...

Doctor Conrad Murray, the medic charged with supervising Michael Jackson's medication at the time of the star's death has emphatically denied that he involuntarily manslaughtered the King Of Pop.
Upon finding himself faced with manslaughter charge...

The terrible earthquake that caused so much devastation in the central American country of Haiti last month, could have been avoided by the people there, and was, to a large extent, "their own fault", it has been claimed.
Eminent professor at the...

VANCOUVER - The two stars of The Twilight Saga: New Moon spent their last day and night in Vancouver secluded in their $4,000 a day Canadian Snow Queen Hotel room.
The couple had earlier attended a Kings of Leon concert at Vancouver's General Patt...

NEW YORK CITY - Alec Baldwin, the star of 30 Rock, was rushed to Manhattan's Mickey Mantle Hospital, after allegedly swallowing a handful of Fred & Wilma Flintstone Vitamins.
Baldwin's semi-famous daughter Ireland, and her not-famous-at-all fr...

Alec Baldwin was rushed to the hospital early Thursday morning after his 11-year-old daughter phoned for an ambulance after overhearing her mother saying "You can't get it up!?"
Upon the arrival of the ambulance Baldwin balked and said that he was...

Taylor Lautner just turned 18 years old and what would be the perfect gift for the Twilight star?
Apparently Taylor Swift thought it was puppies...two wolf puppies!
"I only got permission from a zoo to give these to Taylor for his birthday", s...

A Chinese astrologer, born in New York, named Panda Chan has been reported as saying that the year of the Tiger is going to be great. Its going to be all fireworks and fortune.
The year will start when we all win the lottery. Apparently that's...

NEW YORK CITY - Word coming out of the Fox Network's home office says that two American Idol cast-offs, known as The Dallas Dominatrix and Bikini Boy, have been offered their own reality show.
Erica Rhodes, aka The Dallas Dominatrix, stated that s...

Special US Envoy Elmer Fudd returned to the Capitol City after a short fact finding trip to the Middle East and beyond, sponsored by the US State Department. Elmer provided reporters his observations at a press conference, prior to communicating his...

JOLIET, Illinois - Mickey D's, the giant hamburger chain has just announced that it has developed a new menu burger in honor of golfing legend Eldrick Tont Woods.
The new burger consists of a special wiener put between two special buns with speci...

BOSTON, MA - Clyde McConnel, a Mass Transit dispatcher, reportedly loves to have sex with his wife according to sources.
McConnel, 38, has been married to his wife, Stacey, for 12 years, and apparently loves to give it to her on a frequent basis.