Case Number 08835: Small Claims Court

THE DARK (1979)

The Charge

Apparently, in space, no one can hear you say, "What the
f***??!"

The Case

The slipcase boldly proclaims, "From the director of Kingdom of the
Spiders." Ack! Run!! Well, perhaps you liked that little
drive-in ditty. Honestly, it was kinda fun to see Capt. Kirk trade in his U.S.S.
Enterprise capri-style pants and black boots for genuine Arizona denim and
pointed-toe shit-kickers to stomp the crud out of a desert full of creepy
crawlies. OK, we'll give the director, John 'Bud' Carlos (no relation to Larry
'Bud' Melman) a hall pass on that effort but clearly he's gonna have to do some
detention for this confused mess of a monster-alien-police farce, 1979's The
Dark.

Seems some strange things are going on in the Hollywood hills...well,
stranger than usual. People are losing their heads at a steady rate of one per
night. Seems some unknown perpetrator has set up a "chop shop" in the
dark of night and is mutilating random victims before popping off their noggins.
The L.A.P.D. can't make heads nor tails of the sudden string of murders, and
their lead investigator Detective Dave Mooney (Richard Jaeckel, Salvage)
looking as if he's struggling with a hellacious bout of constipation throughout
the ordeal. His intestinal affliction is made worse when former convict turned
novelist Steve Dupree (William Devane, The Missiles of October) starts
his own investigation after his daughter has been claimed as a victim. Mooney
grunts and grimaces at Dupree but we're not sure why. Local TV reporter Zoe
Owens (Cathy Lee Crosby, That's Incredible!) is nipping at everyone's
heels as she tries to be the first to scoop the grim goings-on while similarly
giving fits to her grouchy boss, TV station manager Sherman Moss (Keenan Wynn,
The Bastard). Each of these cardboard characters wanders about aimlessly
without purpose or progress until a psychic aligns their stars with the
questionable insight that the killer is an alien from another planet that must
mutilate a victim each night in order to gain strength. And, now that more than
60 minutes has elapsed before we learn this startling fact, we just don't
care.

This film sucks...bad. It's largely a study in boredom where lifeless
characters do uninteresting things and a creature that's billed to be a
horrendous "mutilator" merely succeeds in chewing up our time. Despite
the pasted-on R rating, there's nothing much edgy going on here. The one
on-screen beheading is mildly effective yet is filmed from long distance so gore
hounds will be left gnashing their teeth. No sex. No language. No drug use. Hey,
where's the entertainment value here?!

OK. Truth be told, this is a film that should have been canned after day
one. Originally, the story involved a zombie creature, a cannibalistic soldier
from the 19th century, who returned to extract revenge or something like that.
Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) was signed to direct but was
fired almost immediately when he and the producers Edward L. Montoro and Derek
Power failed to get along. Seeing how space stuff was all the rage with
movie-goers of the day (considering Star Wars and the subsequent space
shocker Alien), the call went out to anyone who could wrangle this
crap-fest into some semblance of a finished product and John 'Bud' Carlos
answered. In the end, we wind up with a film that features a creature from space
-- how it got here is never explained -- that is intent on murdering humans --
why it does so is only scantly explored -- and looks like a grey-faced guy in
bum's clothing who can unconvincingly shoot red lasers from his eyes. In space,
a turd would presumably float yet certainly this one doesn't.

But, hey, remember this is from the director of Kingdom of the
Spiders. Maybe you liked that one and would be willing to give this one a
try, huh? Apparently, that's what the folks at Media Blasters thought, hoping
they could ride the threadbare coattails of the spider flick (and even they are
skulking behind a protective facade, marketing this one under the assumed
imprint of Shriek Show). Well, the transfer here looks fine although the
wonderfully precise digital medium exposes all the original graininess of the
source material. It's a dark film -- not in terms of tone but literally, it is
dark -- so you can expect to slog through far too many sequences of murky
muddiness that only exacerbates the source deficiencies. The audio comes via a
mediocre Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono track. Extras include an audio commentary with
director Carlos (he's affable about the whole sordid mess) and "fan"
Scott Spiegel. There's also a current interview with Carlos where he further
discusses how he was brought in as a sort of "hired gun" to complete
the picture. The theatrical trailer is also present and -- go figure -- it looks
better than the feature itself. The DVD keepcase is tucked into a nice cardboard
slipcase (both featuring the film's key art) as if this were really something to
shout about. Looking at the packaging is probably the most enjoyable experience
to be had here, for whatever that's worth. Save yourself 92 minutes, though, and
stay away from The Dark.