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Major League Baseball granted permission for players to use
pink bats Sunday to honor breast cancer awareness. Breasts matter
to ballplayers. Half of Barry Bonds' income is from baseball and
the other half is from the Dow Corning settlement.

Barry Bonds demanded a contract extension from the San
Francisco Giants this week despite his advancing age. He missed
playing Monday night, complaining of gas pains. His trainer warned
him not to fill up his car on the way to the ballpark.

HBO was reported Wednesday to be planning a new sitcom set
in Baghdad called Hotel Palestine. It follows the merry adventures
of journalists covering the war. You knew it was inevitable when
we got a CIA director who looks just like Colonel Klink.

Germany sentenced convicted cannibal Armin Meiwes to life in
prison Tuesday in Frankfurt. He admitted killing and eating a
young man he met on the Internet. It will be a long time before
anybody looks for love in the Men Seeking Lunch category.

The U.N. Security Council was unable to reach agreement
Wednesday about how to prevent Iran from developing nuclear
weapons. How can America enforce nuclear inspections on the
Iranians? We can't even get the car keys away from the Kennedys.

Iran's regime vowed Monday to crack down on athletes who
sport an effeminate look. The mullahs don't like seeing blue hair,
plucked eyebrows and white-powdered faces. Iran can be proud that
their nuclear weapons labs are already up and leaking.

Fox News chairman Rupert Murdoch agreed Tuesday to host a
fundraiser in July for Hillary Clinton's U.S. Senate campaign. We
all change. Fox News was founded in opposition to everything the
Clintons stand for, but then so was Plymouth Colony.

Cingular Wireless took down a ringtone available on its web
site Tuesday. It featured the voice of a Southern sheriff telling
an illegal alien to put down the oranges and prepare to be
deported. California growers never had to use illegal aliens to
pick oranges until Bing Crosby's sons realized that they had other
choices in life.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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