Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Social Drinker of the Week (8/31)

Competition for the coveted Rummy was fierce this week. A 20-year-old Rhode Island woman gave our winner a run for his money, having been taken into protective custody after asking her friend for the car keys as her friend was being arrested for shoplifting. Adding to that initial fail, she then attempted to seduce the officers from the backseat of the cruiser on the way to the station, and then used urine and toilet paper to defile the holding cell—for which she was charged with destruction of property. I'm sure her parents are so proud.

But ultimately, I think her age can be blamed for at least some of that drunken goodness. Our winner, however, does not have the same excuse.

DOVER, N.H. -- A woman and her husband were both arrested for driving while intoxicated after he moved into the driver’s seat of the car and attempted to drive away while she was performing field sobriety tests.

Capt. Michael Raiche said police responded to a minor accident on Central Avenue at about 5:30 p.m. Saturday after Sharon Piatek, 45, of 13 Langilier Court in Somersworth, allegedly rear-ended another vehicle.

Nobody was injured in the accident, however Raiche said the officer suspected that Piatek was under the influence of a drug at the time.

While Piatek was performing field sobriety tests, the passenger of her vehicle -- 37-year-old Brian Piatek -- allegedly moved into the empty driver’s seat, put the Dodge Stratus into drive and began to drive forward, Raiche said.

Simply brilliant, sir. Let's break down the artistry of this tale:

It was only 5:30 PM, yet both he and his wife were already smashed. The couple that boozes together, stays together. Although...

...This "Clyde" was fully prepared to bail on his "Bonnie" in an attempt to save his own ass. Although...

...He really wasn't in any trouble until he tried to go Jason Bourne with the daring escape. Had he just remained in the passenger seat—hell, he could've taken a nap and slept off some of the intoxication—his household would only be stuck with a $500 bail payment, instead of a $5500 bail payment. And he would not have had some awkward questions to answer when he and the missus got home.

Brian Piatek, here's your On The Rocks Rummy award. I suggest keeping it out of your wife's reach, though. We're not responsible for the bodily harm she may inflict upon you with it.