[Authors note: Is this really what my life has devolved to? Writing fanfic about Gawker? Not even a porny one, just drily informative. My plan is to write so many thousands of words that I will have a rich base of material from which to cull.]

What is Gawker?

Gawker is a website that summarizes and sarcastically annotates
news items. On occasion it publishes essays, original works of
journalism, as well as serving as actuator and spectator to the New
York media gossip scene.

Do not mistakenly think that Gawker is written for the benefit of
the general public, reader, a similar misconception to the belief
that Facebook users are Zuckerberg's customers. Gawker in fact
exists in a symbiotic relationship with the rest of the media
industry and its commenters, who provide the majority of insights,
laughter and pathos. You too can participate, by commenting on any
site on the Kinja subdomain, which includes the entirety of Gawker
Media. Until you get banned for "ironically" calling Barry
Soetoro the N-word.

Gawker is where you come for intelligent fluff. It is not The New
Yorker, The New York Times, or even New York Magazine. It is more
like Reddit with HTML and more gayz.

How do you comment on Gawker?

The best option is to not comment on Gawker. Things can get pretty
vicious in the threads. Alliances are formed and broken faster than
high-speed computer trading. Dick pics are shared, mocked and torn
apart by the human hyenas known as the commentariat. An innocent
mistake could cost you your reputation or your life: in 2011, one
commenter was alleged to have committed suicide by defenestration because his comment
"i'm still not sure obama wasn't born in indoneesia" was
replied to 356 times and attacked on points of grammar, spelling,
mental health, and Tea Party membership. Don't let the falseness of
this anecdote fool you: 94% of World War I veterans would rather
fight the Germans again than leave another comment on Gawker.

The mechanical aspect of commenting on Gawker is quite simple: You
press the 'discuss' button at the end of a post or click the
comment icon on each reply or hit the 'reply' link on a Valleywag
post, because Valleywag is weird that way. You are allowed limited
HTML options that you can find on the Kinja Help site, and have 15
minutes to submit an edit to your comment. Do not change the
substance of your comment if it leaves a reply without context,
instead leave an addendum. Only douchebags do that shit. Do not
recommend your own comment with the little star. The short-term
gains are offset by the permanent damage to your dignity.

But really, what I want to tell you, reader, is the the spirit and
energy requisite for commenting on Gawker. Every Gawker Media and
Kinja subdomain has a different humor. Gawker is Snark. Deadspin,
One-Liners. Lifehackers worship the God of Advice. Io9: Fandom.
Jezebel: Feminist Leveling (think: RuneScape). District 12 is coal.
Jalopnik is what again? Gizmodo fawns alternately over Apple and
Google like a bi-polar infant, or a level-headed pair of Siamese
twins. Kotaku revels in obscure video games or something, which is
not a put-down, but merely