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Sunday, January 27, 2008

It creeps up without warningEnticing me to stayI want to run, I want to hideBut I cannot fightFor I have chosen myselfI have chosen false strengthI fall into the pit of despair by my own handThere was a door of hope, a door of lifeBut I refusedHelp is what I need

All I have is emptiness

I no longer want my wayI want to fight togetherI know we will winPlease Lord save me from myself

Saturday, January 12, 2008

So...It's been a long flippin time since I have written...Christmas has come and gone...The new year is here...Second semester is starting...which brings me to the reason I am writing...I almost didn't have a second semester...About a weekish ago I got a letter in the mail saying that I needed to come up with a lot of money or I would not be permitted to attend interim term or second semester at Spring Arbor...So...I started looking for loans and such online...Everywhere...I was striking out on almost everything...Getting denied loans and such because I have no credit personally...Never have taken out a loan or had a credit card or whatever...Even with a co-signer...So I got an email today that said the business office needed to see me about my account...I was ecstatic of course...Knowing what it was about anyways...My ridiculous balance...So the gal in charge of whatever it is was super nice and I had known her from delivering mail before over their and such...So the first thing she says is that it looked like I was going to get an extra four thousand in loans because some parent plus loan was denied...So I went, "Ok God, here we go."...So then she says I need an extra lot of money on top of that...I told her I had tried a ton of places already and been denied mostly because I had no personal credit and now would most likely need to get a loan with no co-signer...She told me to check out this one site that gives loans to people most of the time in my situation...And I was blown away to the fact that I had just submitted an application 30 minutes before to that company...She said to come in early monday before my class and let her know what the outcome of the application was, and so I received an email from the company saying I got a loan in almost the exact amount I owed to the school...

So here's the point...You knew I was getting to one eventually...All the stressing I have been doing and all the crap that I have been feeling like I was in: Was it valid? Shouldn't I have done what everyone said to do and trust God for it to all work out if He wanted me to stay here at Spring Arbor? I had an arsenal praying for me on this thing and I feel like I let them down by not believing what I asked them to do would actually work....I had soooo much trouble connecting my brain and heart this week...I wanted to believe God would work it out and I even KNEW that it would happen...In my head...But I struggled every minute to believe it in my heart that God would do it...Even more...I didn't even think that whatever happened would be ok because it would be God's will anyways...If I was to leave here and go back to community college or whatever, I should know that it would be ok because it is in His will...My wants and my view of the way things should have been got in the way of a Godly mindset...I fail again....Praise the Lord for redemption and forgiveness...