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I’m married to a man with two small kids; 13 and 10 and I coworker recently asked if I get along with my husbands ex and I said, “no!” She then said, “oh, that’s a shame!” And after the Divine put his hand over my mouth so I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, I took a breath and then said, “why is that? I wasn’t aware that my having a friendship with her was a requirement.” Sensing she’d crossed the line, she went on to add, “I just figured for the sake of the kids it would be easier if everyone got along.” That’s when I dodged the Divine intervention and went to to say, “this isn’t the Young & the Restless or any other show that romanticizes that exes can and should all get along; to include their new spouses or significant others. (insert her stunned expression). I then went on to add, “that’s the problem with society now, everyone believes the bs they see on tv or read in the papers. As long as I get along with the kids, is what is important, not their mother.” Her response after wishing she’d never been so bold as to make such an inquiry when we’re not even cool like that, was, “Yes, that’s what I meant.” Really? No, I think not. I think she lives by some romanticized version of what she thinks life and relationships are or should be about.

Yes, I agree, we should all get along to a certain degree, but I don’t need to kicking it with his ex, holding conversation outside of what needs to be said, or having her as an active part of my life and current marriage to her ex-husband. Furthermore, this woman has been rude and disrespectful to me and toward me, so again, why do I need to be cool with her? As previously stated, as long as I get along with the kids and I’m not doing anything to harm them, is what’s important.

Since she opened to door to be all up in my business, I decided to give her an earful of fantasy versus reality. My daughter’s father and I split amicably and shared custody of our daughter from age 3-17 when he passed. I never got in his business; or he in mine. We moved and lived on the same block, a small street and one house apart where we could stand in our respective driveways and wave at each other. I didn’t go hang out at his house or he mine more than what was necessary. His then wife and I were cool, and had on occasion hung out because we were in fact friends prior to their getting married. No, I was not a fan of the idea; however, she and our daughter got along and I didn’t want anyone doing any shady ish behind my back, so I went along with it. Once she tried to overstep her boundaries as a step-parent and doing shady ish, I ended that and reiterated to my ex that were the parents and any/all decisions and such are between us. That buddy-buddy ish was for the birds for a plethora of reasons.

In closing, I added that his ex was not someone I’d kick it or be friends with even if she wasn’t his ex as our personalities are vastly different. Furthermore, she’s a liar and untrustworthy; two qualities I abhour in a person.

So, after breaking it all down; certainly more than she bargained for, she apologized for over stepping. “Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self” played loudly in my mental background.

Lesson of the day was: mind your own business and stop looking at life through rose-coloured glasses because “ain’t nobody got time f’dat”. Big shout out to Sweet Brown for that catch-phrase!

Tengo un bueno dia mi amors!

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When we sit in solitude sometimes we reflect on things, people, and situations that took place in our lives. In and during those times, we often wonder how or why things go wrong and sadly sometimes we may; and hopefully realize, we are own our own worst enemy. It is important to recognize that there are things that are out of our control; things imposed upon us. However, there are many things and events that we do have a say in and instead of being proactive, we are instead reactive; thus, causing us to be the architect of your own destruction. We sometimes absorb situations instead of filtering through them to see what’s worth our heightened emotional state and by doing this, we create a shade of grey in our lives that cause us to continually be on shaky ground. When in this state, everything becomes an issue, we find ourselves in combat not just with others, but ourselves, which only perpetuates, the weakness. When we are more rational, we are more able to discern the cause and effect of a situation and be less likely to be reactive and maintain our emotional alignment. That is why it’s so important to build foundations that are on firm ground in order to endure the many tests life will through at you. And on this ground, it’s easier to withstand the chaos than succumb to it.

Life is an ebb and flow and how we receive and deliver can be the major difference to how we go with the current. Yes, it’s sometimes very necessary to be the salmon swimming upstream and there are times where it’s not and we’re simply just being dramatic. Mastering our environment may sound like a laborious task, but it’s not. It’s essential for ones well-being and something that can be handled simply by weighing what’s important against who and what isn’t. The Biblical proverb of building ones house on solid ground is equal to the fable of the Three Pigs simply said somewhat differently.

No trade-true architect would recommend any structure build on unstable ground, so why would you build your life, which is considered a Temple on such?

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First let me give credit to India.Arie as I used a sample from her song The Truth.

Now, let me get into this post…

I had an epiphany today, which said, “A woman wants a man to love her for who she is, but very often, she doesn’t truly know who she is, so how can he do that without fallout? This is one of the reasons relationships fail.” The opening of this post came to me the moment the epiphany did.

I rested on that thought for a moment, text is to my Kinster (meaning kindred spirit in one of my female friends), as I knew she could both appreciate it and adequately comment on it.

As I continue to allow this thought to resonate within me, I find myself looking back at past relationships; loosely, I might add, as they’re in the past and honestly not always worth more than a moments reflections. In said reflection, I recall having said those very words in some very much like it. As the woman I am now, I realize some of those relationships failed simply because they loved me as and whom I was at that place in time. They weren’t wrong for that part of the relationship’s demise.

When we ask someone to love us for whom we are, we must first understand whom we are. We must know ourselves with and for our flaws and not apart from them. We must be willing to own our shortcomings; be responsible and accountable for how we regard ourselves as a whole; not fractured being; and most importantly, we must know how to be in a relationship. Relationships are more than checking a box on looks, sexual appeal, financial/employment status, fact-finding tactics, or whatever else is deemed criteria for a suitable partner. Relationships are two imperfect people; since no one is perfect (contrary to the belief of some) who are perfect together. That’s something I read somewhere by the way, and not something I came up with, but it doesn’t make it any less true. While I can apply humour to this, there is a lot of seriousness that comes with that being said. Imperfection is a human flaw; being perfectly yoked is something entirely different. In order to be properly yoked, one must fully know themselves in order to present themselves suitable for a relationship and what they do not know about themselves, they’ll have to learn and own later as they grow…hopefully, still together. Again, the key part of it all, is OWNERSHIP OF SELF and KNOWING WHO WE ARE.

Let me elaborate a little more…When I was younger, I was still working to find my identity as a young woman entering a relationship without fully understanding the multi-facets of whom I was. I was an extension of the relationship witnessed of my parents and other adults. I was part fantasy of what I imagined relationships should be like. I was carrying the weight of undisclosed sexual trauma. I was, as I imagined an ugly duckling whom the boys thought a swan. Given those traits and self-image (read, lack thereof), I was completely unprepared for relationships in spite of my age. I was essentially what could be considered “damaged goods” and I took all of that into the relationships I entered. I wanted to be loved for whom I was and that’s what I was, so that’s what they loved. How could they not? It’s what I gave them to work with. I also attracted what I was and what I was carrying; yet another reason I was loved the way I was. Two broken vessels can’t fix each other! So, again, the lyric holds itself true.

After one too many endings, I took time out to begin the healing process. I began to identify why I was attracting like-type men. I began to get to the root of why I regarded myself in a certain way, or the role my tolerances and lack of it at times had in relationships, and once I identified those things, I at least came to a clarity of understanding. This understanding is what we all need to get to when entering relationships; especially once we’re into our 30’s and beyond. We can’t continue to use our youth as an excuse. We can’t continue to use the hurts of yesteryear as a cop-out tool. We can’t place blame and make excuses for our internal conflicts and external behaviours. At some point, we must, I repeat; MUST take ownership for ourselves, for our lives, and for our relationships; especially the failed ones. Again, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

I’ve recently watch a relationships die and it saddened me. I watched two good people who were not good together marry and a decade later divorce. They looked great on paper, had the immediate qualities they were seeking, and wanted the same things from a marriage; however, the thing they lacked was the ownership of self. Neither party was equipped emotionally for what they wanted. They wanted to be loved for whom they were, but didn’t entirely know who they were. A sad reality of not just them, but many. The demise of my marriage was in part for at least one of those reasons. It’s been well over a decade for me to finally want to marry again and I didn’t blindly or through fantasy accept the proposal. I presented whom I was at the very beginning. I told him whom I was and what I wasn’t going to be to suit him. I laid my cards down face up on the table for him to see. Naturally, the hand doesn’t always play out openly or evenly; however, he can never say he didn’t know who I was. It took a little more time for him to mature into whom he is now, but the open and willingness on his part to stop hiding, stop being afraid, or feeling less than has paid off. Yes, relationships are work; however, if they require too much work, or more work than in necessary to sustain it, then it’s not working.

Truth in its form; in its entity; in and of itself in something that can’t be fabricated. Truth will always manifest itself in spite of how carefully one can strive to manipulate it. People trip up, they make mistakes, and they get caught out there leaving the Truth to always make itself known. Truth and Love are synonymous to me. One without the other doesn’t make the equation work. Truth is the foundation of life and without it, there will always be chaos; or at least more than is required necessary for balance.

In closing I’ll reiterate my point, when we ask someone to love for whom we are, we must at least know whom we are. We must be willing to pull back the many layers of our being and allow it to be seen and known. We can’t expect to be loved like a King or Queen and then act with the maturity of a prince or princess unworthy of the more lofty title. We can’t ask for love and not even know how to receive it; much less reciprocate. We are, in many ways mirrors of what we want and most assuredly what we attract. The Laws of Attraction are based on the Truth of what our spirits send into the world.

So, as I started is how I’ll end, “The truth it needs no proof; either it is, or it isn’t!”

Blu

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I’m in an awkward place in my life right now and it causing a myriad of mixed emotions. I’m in a life transition; women stuff! I knew it was coming; it’s inevitable, but it isn’t sitting well with me. Why? Because it has a couple other dance partners on its card and quite honestly, it’s a quite a lot to handle.

Ordinarily, I do well multi-tasking; it’s what I do and quite frankly do pretty well; however, this, these transitions are happening hard and fast and oftentimes without warning. The life (woman) transition causes mood swings either high or low, are causing me to want to retreat into my own world where I don’t want to interact outside of what is deemed necessary. I’m fortunate that due to a medically induced physiological chemistry change I underwent almost seven years ago, I’m somewhat armed and prepared for what I’m going through (and will continue to go through), but it doesn’t make it any easier when a certain unwanted “aunt” makes unscheduled appearances causing me to remain in a heightened state of womanly awareness. That drama aside, I endure and deal with it accordingly.

The other transition is that I’m in the last quarter of my old year and while I look forward to my forthcoming new one, I’m a bit torn over its inception. Forty-seven will be an in between stage. No longer 45 and not quite 50. I’m happy with my growth and accomplishments this past year and have dealt with many things and people in a manner that has been conducive to me not having a mental health breakdown or facing indictment. I embrace the serenity prayer in its entirety, hold steadfast to my faith, live in a fashion that best suits me and my needs and not under the scrutiny of what society thinks is appropriate for me, and am thankful for the close few who are always in my corner. The place I’m in my life right now; as long as I don’t completely lose it (refer back to the aforementioned transition) will be the mental and emotion segway to what could most likely be an amazing turning point in my life.

The final transition is by far the biggest, most fearful, most life-altering of all…Moving in with My Love. I understand it’s a normal and expected part of relationship maturity; however, I’m finding my understanding and happiness bordered with angst, trepidation, confusion, conformance. It’s been more than a decade since I’ve lived with a man and small children. Lil Lady is now 22 and has been out of the house for +/- two years and although I was okay with her living and being at home, it was still an adjustment. While her father still alive, she and I only lived together two weeks a month because she’d spend alternating weeks at my house and her fathers. Given his and my former proximity, there were times when I saw her almost daily, but we still didn’t live together daily and hadn’t since she was about four years old. Yes, quite a transition for me. I had a roommate and temporary house guests from time to time, but these past four years have been mostly lived by myself. I’m neat, orderly, and territorial. The latter being hard for many to understand. Personally, I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about that. It’s my space, my things, please leave them alone and ask if you want access. That’s just politeness in my opinion. Being with a man who has small children was the mother of all transitions, but I’ve fared well over the past almost four years…living with this will be the mother’s grandmother of transitions. Don’t get me know, I’m not complaining; merely being honest here.

The combination of these transitions occupies my mind daily, although the pre-birthday one is the least of the three in terms of mind occupancy. I’m prepared for that. I make this transition annually and prepare for it typically with vim and vigour. This year, given the two accompanying ones, it seems a bit overwhelming I suppose.

I don’t know how I’ll fully navigate the first and last; hopefully with grace; though I anticipate there will be some meltdowns from time to time. Hormones and angst are a bad mix. I’ll have to talk to LadyLee about that; her being a chemist an all. Jokes aside, I’m just venting, being honest, and using this as a means to express that which I haven’t said to My Love yet…I will though!

If any of my sage readers have any words of comfort, understanding, empathy, etc. please don’t hesitate to share.

Yea, I said it!

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a decent post and while I have much I’ll eventually post, I’m currently feeling like a boat adrift. My thoughts are erratic at best and I’m finding myself less and less satisfied with things/people around me and in life as a whole. I’m not one for wallowing. Nor am I one whose a part of a situation instead of the solution; however, right now, I think I just need to be. I’m not falling into a temporary dark state; instead I am allowing whatever this “feeling” is to exist and then run its course. All too often, we strive to “try to figure it out”; spend too much time trying “to get to the root of it”; and/or look for the needle in the proverbial haystack. I believe I’m in a “let go and let God” state of being. I prayed this morning for peace in my spirit; to keep my heart open in order to give; and to be moved in a direction that is wholesome to my overall well-being. I refused the distraction of the radio and prayed in silence as I drove to work and allowed myself to revel in the sound of my thoughts as they occupied my mind.

I rarely think of my time as being wasted when I do nothing because just being still is often more of an accomplishment than constant motion. We’ve been adversely conditioned into thinking we have to always do something, which, in my opinion is a jagged pill I refuse to swallow. Why? Because stillness is important. Correction, it’s a necessity. Why you might ask once again? Because if we’re constantly doing something, when do we actually get to appreciate who we are, what we have, and whom we have it with? I don’t mean casually; in passing because we’re interacting on a social level, I mean, actually exclude noise, distractions and just be. Think of the last time you sat with your children, spouse/partner/significant other/friend and just chilled and enjoyed the moment; no electronic device, no thoughts of work, or any other interference and fully appreciated it? Think of the last time you looked up from your device and said hello how are you to someone and actually meant it and it wasn’t said out of casual tone or in passing? Think of the last time you let a chore pass without feeling guilty? Be honest here; I sure am! So many of us refuse to allow stillness to be a part of our being. So many don’t really notice the change in colours, a flower that bloomed, the person at the bus stop they may pass each day while driving to work or actually strike up a conversation with a fellow commuter. These things make me sad, but they also make me appreciate my moments like this. I know we only have a limited time on this earth and we’re all trying to make the most of it; but again, how many consider that stillness is a part of our time?

Not checking Facebook, Instagram, Email, playing an electronic game isn’t making the most of our time; it’s often squandering it. I bet if we calculated the time spent not interacting we’d be astonished with the results. That same time could be spent taking advantage of the beauty around us; the people around us; being a part of something greater or even better than ourselves. I think; no, I know that’s where I am right now. I’m cherishing the moments where I don’t have to or want to do something because a social or even personal choice dictates. I recognize that I’m feeling the weight of living alone as I have done for the past two years, Lil Lady is grown up now. She’s chosen to have a place of her own with her fiance and dog and that’s a good thing because it’ll be how she learns and how she’ll be able to balance her budget, her time, and her life as an adult. Living alone is good for me because I’m territorial and I enjoy my time, my space, and my things to be where I left them without interference from another party; however, I know it’s time to change that part of my life. Truth be told, I’m both ready and reluctant for this occurrence because, as I said, I’m territorial. I’m also rather neat and like things in order. I want messes cleaned’ I want things put away, and I want these things done without having to prompt another party to do them. I can handle change, but this one will truly take getting used once it occurs. Pray for me okay! 😉

So, here I am, three months shy of my 47th year of life. I’m beginning to think this “feeling” is a product of that last quarter phase out of my 46th year. I’m contemplative. I’m slightly indecisive. I’m evaluating. I’m restructuring. I’m growing. I’m reflecting. I’m planning. I’m preparing. I’m many, many adjectives rolled into the multi facets of being Blu Jewel. I’m okay with it all because….I know the struggle because I’ve lived through many and overcome. I know the preciousness of life because mine has been threatened and challenged. I wore the weight of my pain/shame and appreciate the lightness of being for having rose above it. There are many positives to my former negatives and the best part of it all is that I have some of the greatest life lessons for it all. I’m now a healer; a teacher; a mentor; a mother; a friend; a lover; and one day a wife (again); none of the aforementioned come in any particular order, but that is my then and now. I’m not naive to think that this closeout period will be silver lined, sprinkled with rainbows, and full of sunshine, but what I do know for sure is that trust has been earned and loyalty has been shown, and love has been given from those I’ve needed it the most from. Those are the ones I cherish. Those are the ones I stop what I’m doing; or sometimes not doing for. In those people, I include myself because I am an important part of the equation and in this tapestry of life I am woven together with love, peace, joy, and the occasional appearance of pain, tears, and discontent; however, it does not taint my picture; it merely adds a beautiful hue to which keeps me grounded.

What started out as a random post has now formed into something purposed and meaningful of which I couldn’t be more proud. I, without initially fully recognizing it, turned nothing into something and proven that even when we think we not doing something; we’re always doing something. I’m thankful and grateful for this moment of “nothingness” 🙂

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I saw this quote last week presented under a different image, but it was the words and not the image that moved me. I couldn’t deny the truth of Mr. Zappa’s quote and I immediately thought about those people who fit into that category.

Of late, I’ve become the more annoyed with adults who defer their living for the sake of those mentioned in the quote; and others of course, and then whine and complain about their current state of being. All you hear “how did I get here?” “This isn’t the life I wanted for myself!” “I deserve better than this!” And similar rants and whining, without ever looking at themselves as being culpable for their misery. Women are more prone to these expressions; however, I’ve heard a few men express themselves similarly. We all get one life to live. There are no encores, no do-overs, and life is certainly not an audition you show up for. This is it! This is the real thing and no matter how you slice it, we have to make the most of it. I respect and understand there are late bloomers; I’m one! I respect and understand that experiences come with time. However, if you’re not living, how can you expect quality experiences, good; or bad opportunities to learn from, and most of all, what the hell with the dash between your sunrise and sunset count for?

For those who’ve known me over the years and even recently know that I’m an about it person. I’ve had my share of good and bad and with each experience, a life lesson was born. I will aid in anyone striving to overcome their issues if and when I can, but what I won’t do is placate and babysit anyone; especially adults who refuse to hold themselves accountable for their lives. Many try to live vicariously through their children, get married, have high-figured salaries, or whatever material gains that can amass, but even with all those things, they’re still miserable, dissatisfied, and envious; and sometimes judgmental of anyone who has substance and/or some bumps and bruises in their lives. Da cuss? Damn if you do and damned if you don’t comes instantly to mind with folk like that.

Well, my luvies, I’ve had about enough! I’m is sitting in the front seat of life’s car and I’m riding. I’m smiling because I’ve got God as my co-pilot and navigator. I knows that even if I makes a wrong turn, I’ll find a new experience in my life’s journey. Hell, I might find something truly amazing because I didn’t get mad, but accepted the change in direction. I’ve decided that I’m not being anyone’s emotional sponge and will listen with a keen ear filter and only retain that which is actually worth listening to, and with those I’ve aforementioned, it typically doesn’t tend to be much for than bullshit and rhetoric. This blog challenge opened my eyes to a new-found clarity. It’s forced me to be a little more introspective and in doing that I’ve seen a new side of myself and I see people for who they are. I pass no judgment because I live in a glass house; I just know where I fit in this gift called life. In the infamous words of the lovely Ms. Nina Simone, “it’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life for me. And I’m feeling good” I refuse to be anyone’s enabler.