The Perfect Dining Guide to Dallas for the St. Louis Cardinals

City of Ate heard you're heading to town to play a game or two of baseball with our Texas Rangers, and we would like to take a moment to welcome you to our fair city!! Hi!! Welcome! We like your pants!

We know that being a visitor in a new town can be extremely overwhelming. Dallas has so many fine dining establishments to offer, it can be really difficult to choose where to eat when those pesky mealtimes show up. Lucky for you, we're here to help!

Here's a list of five fantastic Dallas restaurants that will be perfect for you players. Be sure to fill up before the big games so you can play your best!

1) Pizza Hut

St. Louis Cardinals, we hope you enjoy the best pizza Dallas is offering you.

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We know you've gotta be craving some pizza, right? Everyone loves pizza. And here in Dallas, we have the best pizza in the whole world. The best pizza for you in our town is definitely at Pizza Hut. Feast your mouth on this place. Their traditional Neapolitan pizza will blow your mind right into Italy's boobs. You would love it there.

2) Burger King

Our Burger King will serve you Cardinals something really special.

Check out Burger King for the best burger you deserve. Ask for it rare -- so, so good.

Mmm. Nothing like food from a restaurant, amiright? Order some of the food they have! It's so great!

4) Underground Trashcan Dinners

Mmm. Trash.

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Underground dinners are becoming huge in Dallas, and we're going to let you in on a little secret, The Cardinals: We know where you can go for the most underground underground dinner in Dallas. Go downtown any night, stick your head in a trashcan and dig in. Oooh, this is so underground. Be sure to stick to the trashcans in Deep Ellum -- they're the city's best kept secret.

5) Ex-Lax

A few 20 of these will make you sooooo lucky!

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The latest trendy thing happening in Dallas is to eat 15 chocolate Ex-Lax tabs before a game for luck. You guys have to try it! When in Rome!!!

4 for 4, huh? At what? Best I can tell, you must be keeping tabs on simple-minded support of that at-best sophomoric faux humor that was foisted on the unsuspecting reader. Plano, eh? Maybe that explains things.