How do I know God exists? He made me cry!

This is some Glenn Beck level of emo right there. Just because you cry like a bitch every time you think about God certainly doesn’t mean he exists (it probably just means you need a hug from a real person or something). Dude, have you considered the possibility all of this is shit is just a bunch of make-believe? I used to cry when Santa didn’t bring me that present I asked for; does the fact I shed so many tears prove Santa is real? Hardly.

You know, every time the Holy Spirit touches me, I start crying too. Why does he have to put his cold dead hands so far down my pants, anyways?

Apparently, the holy spirit touched him… in the naughty place! When he says that he wants us to “know” god, does he mean like the story where the one dude offers up his virgin daughters for raping? ;-P