Traditional Judaism prescribes a seven day (the word "shivah" means seven) period of mourning for 7 close relatives: spouse, bother, sister, mother, father, son and daughter. Any book dealing with traditional/Orthodox Judaism can give you the reasons, practices, and exceptions.

In my understanding and practice of Reform Judaism, a three -day period is acceptable, both from a spiritual and practical standpoint. In the URJ book "Liberal Judaism At Home," we see the following: "This three-day period is recognized even by the Orthodox as the more rigorous part of the period. So if a person must attend to business, he is allowed to do so after the first three days."

Should Shabbat be among those three days, you will have to determine whether to count it as one of your own three days of "shivah."(it is counted in the 7 in Traditional Judaism, though the customs and prayers of mourning are relaxed on that day).

Question: The bar and bat mitzvas in my town have gotten out of control in terms of lavishness. And the content is either non-existent or totally unrelated to Judaism. I want to buck the trend, but I don't have the courage. Can you give me some ideas as well as some strength from Jewish tradition? What should the day really look like, pre-Hollywood-obsessed America?

FIRST OF ALL, EVERY BAR OR BAT MITZVAH SHOULD HAVE A “MITZVAH” COMPONENT, IN WHICH THE YOUNG MAN OR WOMAN ACTIVELY ENGAGES IN A PROJECT THAT MAKES HIS/HER COMMUNITY A BETTER PLACE. THOUGH TRADITIONALLY THE ONLY REQUIREMENT TO BECOME A BAR MITZVAH WAS BEING CALLED TO THE READING OF THE TORAH, WE NOW EXPECT THEM TO HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF AND ABILITY TO, LEAD A SHABBAT SERVICE (OR TWO) READ A SIGNIFICANT PORTION FROM THE WEEK’S PARSHAH, AND DEVELOP AND READ A SIGNIFICANT, MEANINGFUL AND PERSONAL D’VAR TORAH. I REQUIRE EACH ONE TO PREPARE THE LATTER WITH ME, AND THAT INCLUDEDS SOME PRETTY SIGNIFIANT DISCUSSION AND UNDERSTANDING OF THEIR PORTION AND GROWING JEWISHLY.

THE CELEBRATION OR PARTY ASPECT SHOULD BE SECONDARY; IT IS SO UNFORTUNATE WHEN WE HAVE TIO “KEEP UP WITH THE STEINS.” THERE IS CERTAINLY NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING A PARTY THEME, SO LONG AS THE CELEBRATION IS MODERATE, IN GOOD TASTE, AND IN KEEPING WITH THE NATURE OF THE FAMILY. THERE IS CERTAINLY NO NEED FOR A FAMILY TO GO INTO A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR DEBT.

MOST RABBIS I KNOW WOULD OFFER PRETTY MUCH THE SAME ADVISE. SIMPLE RULE OF THUMB: “THERE SHOULD BE TWICE AS MUCH MITZVAH AS THERE IS BAR.”

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED IN ANSWERS PROVIDED HEREIN ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL JVO PANEL MEMBERS, AND DO NOT
NECESSARILY REFLECT OR REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE ORTHODOX, CONSERVATIVE OR REFORM MOVEMENTS, RESPECTIVELY.