People

It's Vuitton at dawn - revenge of the Wags. Singer
Jamelia started it when she called the footballers' wives and girlfriends leeches, excluding herself (she goes out with Millwall's
Darren Byfield) and adding: "God forbid if
Alex Curran split up with
Steven Gerrard. Who would she be then?" Curran chose in-house journal OK! magazine to hit back: "It's because I'm engaged to one of the most famous footballers in the country. I can't help that. She'll be glad to know I don't know her boyfriend's name but Steven thinks he's lower than a non-league football player. I heard she was on some lads' football programme last week taking the mickey out of her boyfriend. If she is prepared to do that then I suppose anyone's an easy target." Exactly. Never diss your man.

Perhaps you are deciding which celebrity autobiography to buy. Peter Andre? Chris Moyles? Gary Barlow? A taste of Barlow's life so far can be found in this week's Heat magazine, his first solo interview for five years. Barlow slept with 200 women during his Take That years, he reckons. "It was incredible. These girls would show up and they didn't really care who they got off with." Presumably it went down when he ballooned to 105kg (16st 8lb) as his solo career fell apart. "That was a confusing time ... it's really no fun being overweight." Barlow reveals that when he and the other band members finally met up with Robbie Williams this year Williams was "very keen to know how bad I felt after being dropped from my record label".

There are breaks and there are breaks. When Coldplay said this year that they were having time off some in the media interpreted that as a split. Rubbish, said the band. It's a break. So what to make of this from lead singer Chris Martin. "It's going to be a long, long time before you hear a new album from us. We've done a few things, but we're all enjoying having families at the moment. If it takes five years for us to feel ready to record something new, then so be it." Five years! Don't exert yourselves boys.

The Perfume Shop is inviting celebrities, movers and shakers (who?) and key journalists (as in important rather than an obscure trade magazine) to a show today where naked models will walk down a catwalk wearing only the latest brands of perfume. Before you clear your diary, the audience will be blindfolded "to heighten their sense of smell". It will be presented by Nick Ede, "an expert in celebrity lifestyle and culture", who we may well hire to write this column when we go on our own five-year break.