Funny, yet helpful, reviews of popular destinations around San Antonio to guide you through your spring vacations

By Rebecca Salinas

on February 3, 2016 10:49 AM

Photo: Courtesy Photo/Texas State History Museum

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Gruene Hall - New Braunfels: 4.5/5 stars

"I feel like this place has reached critical redneck.. They come in all different varieties: fancy cowboys, regular cowboys, Larry the Cable Guy look alikes, Austin hipsters...you get the idea." - Patrick G., San Antonio, TX

"Pretty crummy dance floor. Fun atmosphere and a beautiful location. I would go back but not expecting to dance much." - Lucy M., Austin, TX less

Gruene Hall - New Braunfels: 4.5/5 stars

"I feel like this place has reached critical redneck.. They come in all different varieties: fancy cowboys, regular cowboys, Larry the Cable Guy look alikes, Austin ... more

"First off, I tap out, you win Comal river. Our group got owned. I brought 2 credit cards, an ID, and my sandals. The Comal now owns my sandals. My friends on the other hand lost, credit cards, IDs, cash, money clip, shirts, and shoes. Granted I blame them for their own stupidity... Just bring the bare essentials with you. " - David N., Houston, TX less

Comal River tubing - New Braunfels: 5.5/6 stars

"First off, I tap out, you win Comal river. Our group got owned. I brought 2 credit cards, an ID, and my sandals. The Comal now owns my sandals. My friends on the ... more

"First and foremost, NO SMOKING... We were OUTSIDE in the FREE AIR but the Barton Springs Nazis decided hey, let's make all the smokers miserable and not allow them to light up in the outdoors." - Christina W., Austin, TX

"This is where the bubonic plague will re-emerge in the 21st century. Pretty yucky." - Dave R., Austin, TX less

Barton Springs Pool in Austin: 4.5/5 stars

"First and foremost, NO SMOKING... We were OUTSIDE in the FREE AIR but the Barton Springs Nazis decided hey, let's make all the smokers miserable and not allow them to ... more

"First time I came here, I thought, Eh, it's a billion year old pluton, looks neat, but, whatever. Second time I came here, I realized that it's a wonderful place to catch a sunset." - Maurice C., Austin, TX less

Enchanted Rock - Fredericksburg: 4.5/5 stars

"More like discenchanting rock. Let this be a warning to anyone foolhardy enough to consider risking a 2 hour drive to this mismanaged, overcrowded rock." - Chris S., ... more

"If heaven forbid our nation were to ever come under military attack, and the only protective sanctuary in the State for my family was within the chain link fences of Schlitterbahn, I might return." - Jeffrey L., Round Rock, TX

"Lovely park. Tons of rides (although many of them were similar)." - Srini D., College Park, MD less

Schlitterbahn - New Braunfels: 3.5/5 stars

"If heaven forbid our nation were to ever come under military attack, and the only protective sanctuary in the State for my family was within the chain link fences of ... more

"You are far from anything & no cell service. If that's what your looking for then that's great. For us, it was a bit of a pain." - Melanie R., Dayton, TX

"All in all, I highly recommend camping at Garner just to experience the beauty of the Frio. But go in the off-season. Unless you LIKE two-stepping, crowds, lots of noise, litter, and over-inflated prices." - Angela M., Austin, TX less

Garner State Park - Central Texas: 4/5 stars

"You are far from anything & no cell service. If that's what your looking for then that's great. For us, it was a bit of a pain." - Melanie R., Dayton, TX

"The beach seemed more like sand bought from Home Depot, and was filled with little rocks and extremely short... If you do not have children, don't go here. You will be miserable." - Becky M., Hosuton, TX

"Has the feel of being on the shores of a lake, rather than the salt water." - Mako M., Broomfield, CO less

Rockport Beach - Texas coast: 4/5 stars

"The beach seemed more like sand bought from Home Depot, and was filled with little rocks and extremely short... If you do not have children, don't go here. You will be ... more