Abused Expense Staff Fight Back

Staff of the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority that have had to withstand four letter tirades from MP’s submitting expense claims fought back yesterday. The claim handlers became fed up of simply noting down incidents of verbal abuse by MP’s and instead started to give verbal abuse back.

One MP after swearing about a receipt for parking was told that his mother was a ‘slag’ and that he smelled of ‘piss’ just like she did after she’d been ‘routing around in the bins’. Another foul mouthed MP was told that his dad ‘bummed dogs and took photos of it’, when the MP refuted this assertion the expense claim handlers just chanted in unison about his father ‘bumming dogs’ until he was forced to leave teary eyed.

The expenses clerics then went on to boast to reporters how they’d say anything to them now. One explained how when an MP just handed a form in without saying anything he still called him a 'wanker'. Other claims handlers said the phrases ‘knobhead’, ‘arsehole’, ‘pillock’, ‘numpty’, ‘minger’, ‘berk’ and ‘bollocks’ had all been used alongside the f, p and even the c word even when unprovoked by abuse from the MP’s.

Accountants handling the actual claim forms spoke of how some of these insults were now written on the expenses forms next to names of MP's. Alongside biro amendments next to claims, suggesting that the money the receipts they were claiming for were really for things as wide ranging as dildos, blow up dolls, merkins (pubic wigs), rent boys and colostomy bags.

Downing Street took a neutral stance about the goings on siding if anything with the claim handlers. They were unsurprised at their newly found resistance to abusive language. A source inside Downing Street said that the Cabinet upon hearing the names of some of the MP’s that received abuse laughed that they ‘had it coming’ and were a ‘bunch of twats anyhow’.