My eldest sister and I will be hosting our parents 50th anniversary party and while we will keep it to a scale and scope that we can afford, which means a limited buffet menu and no hard liquor served. I have been invited to a few parties where the invitation and the actual event differed to a large extent. I don't want any hosting I do to be that way.

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ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."-J.R.R Tolkien

Thank you for the interesting discussion everyone! I agree I don't think for fil there was a good way to go on this one. He got in over his head and either route wasn't going to work out well in some way. Get in over your head in debt to provide what you want to or tone it down to what you can afford with the likelyhood of not really hosting properly.

I guess I wish he hadn't been so bull headed about it from the start with visions of grander. We put out the option from the beginning of hosting a large but reasonalble guest list bbq at our home and helping substantially with he costs ie. burgers, chicken, sausages etc but even providing limited beer & wine with the only obligation to fil or sil of side dishes etc. but he wanted a "hosted" even at a restaurant or gill type establishment. The home hosted bbq wasn't the right atmosphere. So I will admit I'm still a bit miffed as I think that would have been the best way to go but I know I've go to let it go

Regarding the bolded--I don't think a toned-down event is bad hosting at all. I think it is bad hosting to give people the wrong idea about what will be involved. Letting them think there will be enough food and an open bar and then not providing the stated drinks and having far from enough food is what makes it bad hosting. A toned-down event can be planned for by the people attending--they'll know to bring extra cash to pay for a meal for their child or whatever, or will plan to make something else to eat once they get home. But an event that is lied about cannot be prepared for.

Ah well. I'm glad it didn't go too badly in the end, and that he maybe became aware of financial things a bit more. Hopefully this won't happen again.

Letting them think there will be enough food and an open bar and then not providing the stated drinks and having far from enough food is what makes it bad hosting. A toned-down event can be planned for by the people attending--they'll know to bring extra cash to pay for a meal for their child or whatever, or will plan to make something else to eat once they get home. But an event that is lied about cannot be prepared for.

There are limits to this, I find.

Having a low key dinner with casual food - ordering in pizza and having soft drinks, or doing a back yard BBQ, say, is fine. Having a dinner at a low end restaurant , or having a restricted menu and drink choices rather than free choice of anything and as much as they want is fine.

Having an event that doesn't cover a meal hour is fine - make it an after dinner coffee and dessert, or mid afternoon tea and snacks.

If you're having a get-together of a group of friends or a family reunion, then you can always talk to others and share the burden of hosting - split the costs, make it a potluck, etc. But then you do have to give others a say in what you do and how much you spend - you can't just send them a bill for what you decide.

But if you're having an event over a meal time, you need to produce quantities of food appropriate to the time of day. If you're having a 5-9 pm party, and serve chips and pop, thinking that people can always go out to a restaurant after the party or eat dinner at 4pm so they don't get hungry during the party you've crossed a line into poor hospitality even if you warn people that you're not feeding them.

If you're telling people to bring money to buy their own beverages, or to buy their kid's meal, I think you've also crossed a line - you're not actually hosting, you're providing an opportunity for people to pay for themselves without giving them a say in what the event is.