When your country is being fucked over royally as the result of a Conservative government.

1. Infiltrate MI5 and get them to execute orders to have David Cameron killed by orders of the Queen. (No I am not being serious, please do not have me locked up for terrorism, I honestly am joking. Really. At least a little bit. Mostly)

2. Send David Cameron love letters and sign them William Hague, make sure the letters look legit. Hence sound pompous and arrogant, whilst showing appreciation that the amount of blowjobs that have been exchanged between the two have now lead to a great political position for the both of them. Then leak the letters to the Sun, who, lets face it, will print anything.

3. Infiltrate the palace wearing Mission Impossible style disguise to appear as David Cameron, get into the Queen’s bed then say in very posh voice: “Ma’am, I would like to thank you for giving me the power to fuck this country up the backside, by analy buggering you.”

4. Give Gordon Brown a hug. Let’s face it, he could probably really do with one.

5. Watch Fringe on Sky 1 HD. Not because it will help matters in the slightest, but quite frankly Science Fiction is a hell of a lot more appealing than reality. I would prefer the world exploding due to improbable continual opening of gateways between parallel worlds than a Tory government.

6. Get a time machine. Travel five years into the future, see what state the UK is in by then and hence decide whether to become a harem girl in Saudi Arabia as of next week.

7. Expect the worst. It can never really be as bad as expected. Lib Dem will have some say won’t they. We won’t all get screwed over totally.

8. Believe in the power of positive thinking.

9. Realise positive thinking does not work.

10. Become an excessive drinker, smoker and all around annoying little cunt. And probably become a Member of Parliament as a result of it.

I admit, I didn’t see it coming. Well at least not before the election. Is Nick Clegg really so desperate for power that he is willing to go into a coalition government with the party who is as far right as he is left? We will not get electoral reform under the Tories, ignore what they’re telling you Nicky, they’re lying. Did they promise you that they would not close the mines (are there even any left to close?) or that they would not steal any candy (or milk) from small children?

I for one feel like I’ve just been fucked up the backside by the biggest cock known to man, and I did not enjoy it at all. By the look of Lord Mandelson’s face on Sky, I’d make a well educated guess that it is in fact over. Labour should have done more to ensure a deal could be reached, that much is for certain, but the Liberal Democrats should never have gone in for a deal with the Tories. You’ve sold us out Nick, and it’s not for the better of the country, it’s for the better of you and your need for power, something which you will never achieve whilst working with the scum of the earth. You have sold your soul to the Devil, perhaps because he wears nice suits and speaks poshly and so you can relate to him.

I for one will never be able to forgive Nick Clegg for going in for a coalition with the Conservatives. You will not get what you want, there will be no Liberal Democrat passing of laws or policies, you will spend the next five years being raped prison style over and over by the devil and his hell hounds. And we will pay the price for you.

I hope you’re happy Nick, you have a few hours to make it up to me and prove me wrong, but I can’t see it happening. You’ve made me fall out of love with you, and I only hope that your party peers decide to go against your wishes, and if they do not you may all feel free to rot in hell.

No, this isn’t breaking news at all, but it very well could be. Whenever there are elections held in countries where the current “government” or the people attempting to get to power cannot be trusted, the Western World and the people campaigning for equality and democracy tend to go running. So how come they aren’t coming running to our aid?

Hundreds of people all over the country have not been allowed to vote due to local government fuck ups, or to your regular conspiracy theorist, cheating. It may not seem like very much, after all what can a couple of hundred voters do right? Those couple of hundred add up to start with, but more importantly, if they’ve fucked that up, what else can they have messed up.

Sod Labour, Sod the Conservatives and double sod that slimy git that is the posh little cunt David Cameron. England isn’t a democracy, a Tory party whose interests serve only those who are rich and influential does not show a fair country. Perhaps if English politicians would climb out of the days of a British Empire and the thirst for power that comes with it they may realise that for England to function in a modern society the political system will need an overhaul. At some point people will grow tired of watching their appointed MPs yelling at each other in the House of Commons like little school boys and girls, and instead want something to be done.

Perhaps the next step should be to suggest the people who voted Tory should be put in front of the Hague, charged with crimes against humanity. Or we could just put both them and those voting BNP on a deserted island and encourage a real life idiot participant Battle Royale.

I have to admit, writing this I am feeling very concerned that I may have to give up my season ticket at Old Trafford and leave England forever, or at least for five years.

No, there’s no warrant out for my arrest, nor have I got a crazy stalker (at the moment) or am taking my fear of commitment to the next level and leaving the country. It is of course the election I’m talking about, and the possibility of a Conservative government. I am so sorry England, you lovely little island, but if Cameron gets to power, the prospects of five years under the Tories makes me weep on the inside.

There’s nothing inside me that makes me feel connected to the Tories. I’m not posh, hell every other word I say is fuck or cunt, unless I’m working or in a some other social environment that requires me to behave somewhat politely. I’m not in the top ten percent wealthy people, nor am I a homophobic old codger who thinks divorce is evil and women voting should still be illegal. So the thought of spending the next five years watch Cameron ruin the country I call home is pretty depressive, as in hand me that bottle of vodka so I can drink myself into oblivion depressive.

I understand the frustration felt by the English people, the recession, immigration, educational levels, NHS problems, John Terry’s inability to keep his cock in his trousers… they’re all valid issues, but there is NO reason for people to want to add to our problems by putting that slimy little git in charge.

So being the socially conscious girl that I am (I DO think about things besides sex people, hint read my other blogs too you perverts) of course I had to watch the Electoral debate last week. I have to admit I was pretty impressed with what I saw, especially from the Liberal Democrat leader, Nick Clegg. I know I have mentioned him before concluding that “It’s like PE class all over again isn’t it, no one is going to pick the silent geek in the back for their team, hell even his friends tend to struggle to remember who is some of the time.” Well Clegg, last Thursday you proved me wrong and the next time I’m playing football, I will make sure I pick you first.

Now I’m not going to get into a lengthy discussion on policies, promises and politics, mainly because I like to keep my blogs somewhat short. Plus I’d have to talk about Cameron to some extent and mentioning his name alone is enough to make me throw up a little in my mouth.

When watching the debate last Thursday I found it very strange how the colours of the Party Leaders’ ties seemed to be great representatives of how the three men of the moment managed their first live, televised debate. Brown’s pink tie was a pretty good image for the soft man that was portrayed. Despite at one point getting a good dig in against Cameron (which I am all for), Brown came across weak and pale, much like his tie, and his performance became worse as his tie went further and further away from the middle point. Now I realised one shouldn’t judge a politician purely on appearance, but if Brown cannot even keep his tie in the right place (and it was already crooked at the start of the debate) how is he supposed to manage another five years in charge of a country that he has already let down on several occasions? Plus, I’m pretty sure that the way he was going on, Brown himself would not vote for Labour, but instead give his vote to Clegg and the Liberal Democrats, for whom he seemed to develope more and more love.

Cameron. Oh Dave, you really are a twat. Firstly, your performance last week was horrendous. Not only did you fall apart answering questions, your face turning red with the stress you were seemingly under (Brown looked calmer than you, that’s not a good thing), but your baby blue tie, rather than give you youthful charm, enhanced your juvenile behaviour of jumping on everyone else rather than defending your own policies with even an ounce of conviction. And you have yet to stop. I really wish that politicians would realise that perhaps winning an election would be better done by talking about your policies and stick to the promises you make, or at least try to, rather than do nothing but badmouthing your opponents because you have no faith you can win in any other way.

I was very impressed with Nick Clegg last week, his golden tie was a lovely image for him becoming the golden boy after his brilliant performance on last week’s debate. Although I was prepared to say that I would love to vote for Clegg based on the tie alone (I really loved the tie, I’m weird like that), I have to admit I am very curious to see if Clegg keeps up his performance tonight, especially as he will be facing some very tough questions in regards to the latest accusations in regards to Lib Dem party donations going through his bank account. Although I admit that Clegg and his party still lack the national support to have a chance at winning the election, it would if nothing else make the next few weeks exciting if he can build on his performance and put his stamp on the race rather than leaving it to be a two man marathon heading for disaster (also known as a hung parliament).

For the record, Cameron believes that a hung parliament will lead to economic disaster and quite possibly another Vulcano outbreak which will eventually lead to the end of the world. Well if he’s that worried about our future, he could always drop out of the race and save us that way rather than attempting to scare people into voting for him.

So I’m just thinking, Gordon Brown promising that if he gets the vote for PM, he’ll stay in office for the full five years… Is that really a good thing? I’m not a conservative, far from it, under general circumstances I would probably be a Labour voter, or in worst case scenario just join the Independent Party, however I’m afraid that David Cameron using the phrase “Five more years of Gordon Brown” has a bigger impact in the negative sense than Brown saying it has in a positive sense.

I do realise that this is a promise Brown has to make, not that it holds much clout as everyone will still remember that Tony Blair made that same promise only to fuck off into oblivion once things started to go wrong. Two years is a bit far off five isn’t it Tony? I do think that Gordon Brown means his promise, I don’t think he has any intentions of stepping down if he does bring Labour forward to their fourth consecutive term in office. Lets face it, things can hardly get much worse for the country, and if he was going to fuck off chances are he would have done so a long time ago. Considering all the criticism he has suffered it almost makes you wonder if he actually enjoys pain a bit too much, and in the future may be better off becoming a regular client with a Dominatrix.

It’s not all bad for our Gordon though, at least he seems more able to smile these days, perhaps it’s the knowledge that in a months time it may very well all be over and he can move on from the mess he’s been stuck in for so long. In which case our new Prime Minister will be one whose party thinks that having compulsory Sex Education for 15 year olds would be a bad thing in a country where both pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Diseases are getting ridiculously common amongst teenagers.

How about me for Prime Minister? Higher tax for rich people without wanting to make the normal family suffer, sex education for teenagers as I am tired of seeing 14 year old kids pushing prams, lager or fag in hand, and retraining bankers as teachers? Not on my watch, I say send them to Australia, after all that’s what we used to do to criminals who had done a lot less than ruin an entire country’s economy. Surely it would be better than a hung parliament which according to the polls is where we’re heading.