Sunday, August 15, 2010

Can I smell your hair?

My last post about my epic journey on the kansas city bus. I am almost sad that it had to end like this but I honestly should have known better than to think it would be a quiet exit.

Sitting in the bus on my way to work and this guy hops on and gives me "the look". Girls, you know what look I am talking about. Automatically I jerk my eyes away and try my best to prevent the rolling of my eyes. Incidentally this may have made me appear shy or interested since he sat himself across the aisle from me.
"You look nice today" I can't help but groan inwardly. A seemingly nice compliment can all too quickly turn to raunchy suggestions and appraising eyes. However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thanked him for his compliment. Then...he fulfills my original assumption that he wasn't just making a comment to pass the time.

"Can I smell your hair?"

Of course I'm more than a little confused at this point and I have to ask him to repeat himself. No way is this guy really asking to smell my hair.

"Can I smell your hair?" Oh God, he meant it. So I politely shake my head and tell him he may not smell my hair. He then slides in this interesting little opinion, "It's just shampoo, girl. It smells so nice from over here."
Disturbed and a bit concerned over the well-being of my hair I cock an eyebrow and promptly suggest he purchase his own bottle of shampoo so he can smell it any time he wants. After a bit of convincing he slowly realizes that he isn't getting anywhere close enough to me to smell my hair he pushes towards a new topic of conversation: How much money he has.

Basically the guys that talk to me all have the same speech. I could break it down as easily as I could in a 7th grade paper.

Introduction: Has to have that GRABBER sentence, that obscure strange or just plaine weird statement that will hopefully grab the girl's attention. Don't forget about the thesis. Their body language and choice of words will easily tell you what will come next.

paragraph 1: talk about money. talk about how much money you have. If she asks you why you're riding the bus say you were in an accident or your buddy was borrowing it cause you're sweet like that. Or that you've won the lottery but like to still ride the bus. Please, be believeable and dress the part by wearing over-sized pants and top it off with a leery smile.

paragraph 2: talk about how tough you are. you can hook the first paragraph to this one by saying someone owes you money so you're going to beat him up to get it. sadly this make your "millionare" or "lottery" story seem rather weak and most girls with half a brain can see right through it.

paragraph 3: You're somehow famous or WILL be famous but you're still the family type. Please, be sure to talk about all your babies from different mamas and how you take care of them ALL. One day I will see you on the billboards and whatever. Pick a talent you think you have and go for it.

conclusion: then compliment her weight, chicks dig this. Espeically if you like overweight chicks since they really like being reminded of that on the bus. We do see it as a turn on when men point out what could be a real problem for us, the pandora's box of all our insecurities. Don't forget to keep eyecontact at all times. It doesn't creep us out. OH and be REAL assertive if we refuse to shake your hand after your wonderful speech about how amazing YOU are.

I think that concludes my trips on the bus. They haven't been that horrible to be honest. Don, the bus driver, was amazing. Richard the rider kept me smiling. It got me to where I needed to go and it kept it mighty interesting.