The Mommy Chronicles: Potty Training and Diet Advice

In my attempts to teach my three-year-old some self-control, I lost mine.

I'm still not exactly sure what happened. I could have picked stickers. My daughter really likes stickers, but I didn't. I picked chocolate. Chocolate, I love; stickers, not so much.

So here I am… my daughter is potty trained. We're all done. She even uses the potty at Target, no problem. Okay, one problem: I've gained 10 pounds on potty treats.

Let me explain. We don't usually have treats in the house. Well, we have pretzels, ices (made from orange juice), soy chips, lollypops from the health food store (no sugar or food coloring), and fruit of course. My kids ask for applesauce as a snack. For potty training we headed to my parents' house in Florida where the weather and lack of carpeting lends itself to bare bottoms. I sent my mom out to stock up on treats for training without any instructions regarding the nutritional value of the goodies. You get the picture?

I must admit, I was excited, as was my three-year-old, at the haul my mom brought back from the store (cookies, chocolate, ice cream, cupcakes, etc.). The rules were simple: my daughter could pick from any of the goodies after each accomplishment. Each time she got a motivational reward, I helped myself to one as well. Before we blinked, she was trained and I was in need of a new wardrobe one size up.

In my attempts to teach my three-year-old some self-control, I lost mine.

How we fare in the ring when we are fighting our own negative desires is the true measure of our might.

"Who is strong? One who has control over his own inclinations." (Ethics of the Fathers, 4:1) The Torah teaches us that self-discipline is the indicator of strength. Being more powerful than a bully, a boss, a wild beast or a force of nature is not a sign of true strength. How we fare in the ring when we are fighting our own negative desires is the true measure of our might. The Torah is telling us that strength is what we exhibit when we do battle with internal drives, not with external forces.

So what does this mean in light of the potty treat incident? Am I a weakling? Should I just give up and open the pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough that's calling me from the freezer right now?

Of course not. Like all character traits, strength is something that needs to be developed, and that takes time. I may have lost a battle, but the war isn't over yet.

So how do we do battle with whatever's calling us from the freezer? Think of the war as a process. Where we are in the process will determine the amount of "force" we'll need to use in order to win the battle. First attempts at squashing a particular negative inclination deserve full armor. In my case, I wasn't ready to face my chocolate desires on the battlefield, and returning home to the land of soy chips was a big help. Not eating dinner out and avoiding Dunkin Doughnuts gave my will to do the right thing an additional power boost. Eventually I felt in control enough to start using the freezer again, even though it still houses my Ben and Jerry's stash.

As we grow stronger in our desire to do the right thing, we gain the strength to do it. Being practical and giving ourselves plenty of easy opportunities to listen to our yetzer tov (good inclination) helps us learn what that voice sounds like (sometimes it sounds a little like my mother). Focusing on how good it feels when we do what we know deep down is the right thing to do, makes it easier to do the right thing the next time we are faced with that choice. Focusing on how short lived the good feelings are when we listen to our yetzer hara (evil inclination) will help us disconnect from our desire to do the wrong thing. Yes, eating chocolate does feel good. But feeling good after doing what we think is wrong for us in the long run is short lived. Those good feelings are quickly replaced with feelings of guilt, regret, sadness or anger.

Winning the war doesn't mean we lose our desire; it means we control it and it doesn't control us. Can you imagine being surrounded by your desires and not giving in? You're in control of yourself. You're strong. You can win the war.

For me, winning the war would mean exhibiting enough control to shed what has become known as the "potty pounds." Now, excuse me as I arm myself; there's a chicken that needs defrosting and it's sitting in the freezer right next to Ben and Jerry's.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 3

(3)
Anonymous,
August 17, 2004 12:00 AM

I loved this article! I'm always dissapointed when they're over and look forward to the next one. As for the comment above, I would agree with you if you if I thought potty training was a behavior modification but it's not. Potty treats last for a week and then subside as the potty becomes a natural part of a childs life.

(2)
Rebecca,
August 16, 2004 12:00 AM

Going through this too...

I started out with stickers, my 2 year- old got bored with that idea, went onto chocolate, he got bored with that too...at present he is doing fine on praise, and he likes the idea of sitting with a book while he goes...
Me? I'm putting on weight anyway, so maybe I should take a lesson from my son?!

Again, a fantastic new episode in the mommy chronicles....

(1)
Kitty Katz,
August 15, 2004 12:00 AM

food should not be used as a reward

Any child taught to equate food with reward may be courting weight problems in later life. This misguided lesson could be the source of the author's own "battle" with food treats from the fridge. While food undeniably affords pleasure as well as nourishment, it is not meant to be used for behavior modification. While the author was being humorous, she also gave a big clue why there is so much obesity and poor health today.

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I was born with a neuromuscular disease known as Spinal Muscular Atrophy and have been confined to a wheelchair my entire life. Unfortunately my sister and I were raised without any religious instruction or guidance. My father wasn't Jewish and although my mother is, she openly claims to be an atheist. The "good news" is that both my sister and myself - independent of each other and at different times in our lives - realized that we are Jewish and chose to live a Jewish life.

Because of my disability, I'm not always able to attend services on Shabbat, but I always light candles, pray from a Siddur and read the weekly Torah portion. I would like to know whether, considering my situation, if using a computer is allowed during the Sabbath? I found the complete Bible online and since my computer is voice-activated I don't have to struggle to turn pages or continuously ask for assistance.

Thank you to everyone at Aish.com for making it possible for myself and so many others to learn about being Jewish and grow in the most important part of our lives.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your inspiring story.

God gives each of us a set of challenges. To those more capable of conquering difficulties, He gave bigger challenges. A challenge from God is a sign that He cares about us and has confidence in our ability to become great.

It sounds like you're doing great!

As for using the computer on Shabbat, that is prohibited. A foundation of Judaism is that we need to respect God's wishes, even if we think that doing otherwise is "for a good reason." Consider this story:

A king calls in his trusted minister and says: "I have an important mission for you to perform. Go to the neighboring kingdom and meet in the palace with their leaders. But remember one thing - under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during this meeting. Now go and do as I say."

The minister sets off on his merry way and soon arrives at the neighboring kingdom. There he heads straight for the palace where he meets with the King. In the midst of their discussion, he sees some of the king's officers pointing and laughing at him.

"Why are you laughing?" asks the visiting minister.

"Because we've never seen someone with such a pronounced hunchback as yourself," they say.

"What are you talking about? I'm not a hunchback!"

"Of course you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"We'll bet you one million dollars that you are!"

"Fine - I'll gladly take your bet."

"Okay, so take off your shirt and prove it."

At which point the minister remembers the parting words of the king... "under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during the meeting." Yet, the minister reasons, a million dollars would certainly bring added wealth to the king's coffers. I know I'm not a hunchback, so I'll surely win the bet. Of course, under these circumstances the king would approve...

The minister removes his shirt and proudly displays his perfect posture. With pride in his achievement, he holds out his hand, into which is placed a check for one million dollars.

The minister can barely contain his excitement. He quickly ends the meeting and runs back to give the wonderful news to his king. "I earned you a million dollars!" exclaims the minister. "It was easy. I only had to remove my shirt to prove that I wasn't a hunchback."

"You did what?!" shouts the king. "But I told you specifically not to remove your shirt. I trusted that you'd follow instructions, and so I bet the other king $10 million dollars that he couldn't get you to remove your shirt!"

The Torah tells us "Do not add or subtract from the mitzvahs." (Deut. 4:2) Jewish law is a precise metaphysical science. Consider a great work of art. Would you consider adding a few notes to a Bach fugue, or some brushstrokes to a Rembrandt portrait?!

Perfection, by definition, cannot be improved upon. Altering Torah law is an unacceptable implication that God is lacking.

The verse in Psalms 19:8 declares: "Torat Hashem Temimah" - the Torah of God is complete. For just as adding one wire to a transistor radio means it no longer can pick up reception, so too we mustn't tinker with Jewish law. The mitzvahs of God are perfect.

May the Almighty give you strength to continue your growth in Judaism.

In 1315, King Louis X of France called back the Jews who had been expelled a few decades earlier by King Louis IX. This marked a theme in Jewish-French life: expulsions and subsequent invitations to return. The French monarchy was trying to establish their land as the "new Jerusalem," and to fulfill this mission attempted several crusades to Israel. In 1615, King Louis XIII ordered that Christians were forbidden to speak with Jews, upon penalty of death. Eventually, in 1683, King Louis XIV expelled the Jews from the colony of Martinique.

Focus on what you do want. Make your goal explicit. “My goal is to increase my moments of joy.” This way, every single moment of joy is a successful moment.

Celebrate each moment of joy. Be grateful every time you experience joy.

Having this goal will place your attention on joy. Instead of feeling bad when you are not joyful, you will experience positive feelings about experiencing more joy.

Each moment of joy in your entire life is experienced one moment at a time. You can’t have more than one moment of joy in any given moment, but you can increase the number of joyful moments. How? By focusing on it.

There is no person on earth so righteous, who does only good and does not sin (Ecclesiastes 7:20).

Reading the suggestions for ridding oneself of character defects, someone might say, "These are all very helpful for someone who has character defects, but I do not see anything about myself that is defective."

In the above-cited verse, Solomon states what we should all know: no one is perfect. People who cannot easily find imperfections within themselves must have a perception so grossly distorted that they may not even be aware of major defects. By analogy, if a person cannot hear anything, it is not that the whole world has become absolutely silent, but that he or she has lost all sense of hearing and may thus not be able to hear even the loudest thunder.

In his monumental work, Duties of the Heart, Rabbeinu Bachaye quotes a wise man who told his disciples, "If you do not find defects within yourself, I am afraid you have the greatest defect of all: vanity." In other words, people who see everything from an "I am great/right" perspective will of course believe that they do no wrong.

When people can see no faults in themselves, it is generally because they feel so inadequate that the awareness of any personal defects would be devastating. Ironically, vanity is a defense against low self-esteem. If we accept ourselves as fallible human beings and also have a sense of self-worth, we can become even better than we are.

Today I shall...

be aware that if I do not find things within myself to correct, it may be because I am threatened by such discoveries.

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