I finally got to see one of the people I consider a Texas legend this past weekend. Monte Montgomery played the River Road Ice House Saturday night, and I really don’t have the words to describe the concert. These guys are incredible live; they play blues rock like they invented the genre.

Before the concert we went to some restaurant for good company and mediocre food, and I know you’re surprised, but I wound up telling a few stories. I started in on how I want a midget for a secretary, and wound up really upsetting the people at the table behind us. But sacrifices must be made for the sake of a good story, and I feel fortunate that these people were so willing to sacrifice a meal free of political correctness so I could share my completely offensive story.

But then we wound up at the concert a dozen yards from the stage sitting again at a table and again telling stories. But this time the people at the table behind us were loving every minute of sitting in the presence of such a masterful storyteller as I, and even said as much to one of the group later in the night.

So this just goes to demonstrate the cardinal rule of Fuwjaxianism. Say what you want, the people who get offended were going to be offended anyway, everyone else will have a better time. It might not be true, but it does allow me to justify offending the hell out of you. And when it gets down to it, isn’t that the whole point of life anyway?

If you get your panties in a wad just because someone says the word “midget” there’s a really good chance the issue isn’t that I used some offensive word, but rather that you really don’t like the way your panties feel when they’re not in a wad.

Speaking of, if you’re a mature, slightly aged lady who hasn’t learned to sway to blues rock without having her thong ride up, then for the sake of the rest of us, just suck it up, don’t pick it out. I say “midget” and I can offend the whole restaurant, but some woman with her hand half way up her hind end trying to rectify her problem is something we should all just learn to endure? Sorry… I’ve been waiting for hours to throw out the “rectify” pun… It won’t happen again.