Once upon a time, this post was to be titled “all of the balls.”But that is not what we have here, my friends, no. We do not have any of the balls, in fact. Unless we mean the good kind. In which case we are back to having all of them.

In a time with no hope, we found hope. Where there were no heroes to be found, they came to our rescue in droves. Today is a day in which we have fought, and we have triumphed.

Let us reap the rewards.

PART IA DARK PAST AND A WICKED RULER

The leader in the kingdom was cruel, unjust, and from a land far away where their mere pronunciation of words was an affront to common decency. Aboot. It was like a dagger in the heart every time they placed another foot on our soil. How dare they come to this place.How dare they manage to take the reigns.It was a dark time in Pittsburgh.There was panic amongst the people.Every other moment there was another raid, another pillaging, another raping of our pride and probably our women, too.Consumption of mead was up at least a thousand percent. We all had to try and pretend we weren’t seeing what we were in fact seeing.Nothing was sacred to these heathens.We all feared goodness would never return to our land.

PART IITHE HEROES RETURN

Suddenly, on the horizon, we see our heroes returning to us.Maybe things can get better.We give all of our hope to our heroes, but it feels like a slim chance. We don’t want to doubt but it is beyond our understanding how we will get out of this one. Things, however, seem to get better.We could win the battle.Well, it’s possible, but it feels kind of like bailing water out of the Titanic; a phrase which, when used here, is an anachronism of the several-hundred-year variety.But to hell with it. Someone pass the whiskey.This is all of the balls.All of them.And yet….slowly we feel the fight returning to us.

PART IIIA VENGEFUL AND YET MERCIFUL GOD

One of our very own leaders lifts his head to the heavens and asks for a sign.WHY GOD WHY

God answers by sending the five billion year old ocean hell monster to aid our battle.Suddenly, everything has changed.Good is overcoming evil. Order is returning to the land.And, at long last,good prevails.

And to seal the deal, the Almighty makes a joke.KesseLOL.

ALL AWARDSgo to Pepper.Showing up when needed, as always.Like your distant, disapproving father.

If you are the type of person who is easily offended by us relying on photoshop rather than content, we apologize. We’ll get’cha next time.In the mean time,go Pens.