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Cue the Ball Boy: 10 Classic Sports Porn Parodies

Some matches are made in heaven: peanut butter and chocolate, coffee and doughnuts, football and beer. After doing some cursory research for this piece, the worlds of sports and adult entertainment do not fall under this umbrella. In fact, the below instances are actually quite hilarious examples of the not-so-brilliant minds at the porn shops in the Valley clumsily shoehorning in sports references to otherwise standard adult films. What are the results? Well, without having seen the finished products, I can only say that we are left with some very strange titles and very strange premises. (Except for the Mighty F#cks. I am totally gonna watch that.)

Some matches are made in heaven: peanut butter and chocolate, coffee and doughnuts, football and beer. After doing some cursory research for this piece, the worlds of sports and adult entertainment do not fall under this umbrella. In fact, the below instances are actually quite hilarious examples of the not-so-brilliant minds at the porn shops in the Valley clumsily shoehorning in sports references to otherwise standard adult films. What are the results? Well, without having seen the finished products, I can only say that we are left with some very strange titles and very strange premises. (Except for the Mighty F#cks. I am totally gonna watch that.)

This one was just a matter of time, as a cultural disgrace as epic as Tiger Woods’ was due for the porn send-up treatment. Apparently, fair use doctrine doesn’t allow pornographers to use the Tiger’s (Tyler’s?) name, but a cursory glance at the cover leaves little doubt as to who the subject could be. I wouldn’t rule out a female Scandinavian caricature in a depiction of Elin. Which could be worth it just for the ridiculous accent alone.

10. Tyler’s Wood

This one was just a matter of time, as a cultural disgrace as epic as Tiger Woods’ was due for the porn send-up treatment. Apparently, fair use doctrine doesn’t allow pornographers to use the Tiger’s (Tyler’s?) name, but a cursory glance at the cover leaves little doubt as to who the subject could be. I wouldn’t rule out a female Scandinavian caricature in a depiction of Elin. Which could be worth it just for the ridiculous accent alone.

Certainly the most hilarious title on this list, the premise of this adult film raises an eyebrow to say the least. Who stepped up during an idea pitch to throw out there, “You know what movie’s sexual undertones we need to package and distribute? The Might Ducks.” I mean, it did feature a top-of-his-game Emilio and young Josh Jackson. If anyone reading this has seen this, please post in the comments exactly how mighty the fhucks are. Thanks.

9. DP2: The Mighty Fhucks

Certainly the most hilarious title on this list, the premise of this adult film raises an eyebrow to say the least. Who stepped up during an idea pitch to throw out there, “You know what movie’s sexual undertones we need to package and distribute? The Might Ducks.” I mean, it did feature a top-of-his-game Emilio and young Josh Jackson. If anyone reading this has seen this, please post in the comments exactly how mighty the fhucks are. Thanks.

Mountain climbing is the type of sport that probably lends itself to porno pretty well. You’ve got caves, harnesses, and possibly horny Sherpas. In short, the whole package. So it’s only natural that someone would produce an adult film that is loosely based on the 2000 (hit?) film, Vertical Limit starring Bill Paxton, Chris O’Donnell, and, in its first big screen performance, K2. I had forgotten this mountain climbing movie existed before stumbling across the lazily-titled parody of it. “Vertical Sex Limit”? Really? That’s your clever twist on the title? Thanks, but I’ll hold out for the “The Curious Case of Benjamin S*x Button,” or “Million Dollar S*x Baby.” Way to hurt yourselves on the naming convention, guys.

8. Vertical Limit

Mountain climbing is the type of sport that probably lends itself to porno pretty well. You’ve got caves, harnesses, and possibly horny Sherpas. In short, the whole package. So it’s only natural that someone would produce an adult film that is loosely based on the 2000 (hit?) film, Vertical Limit starring Bill Paxton, Chris O’Donnell, and, in its first big screen performance, K2. I had forgotten this mountain climbing movie existed before stumbling across the lazily-titled parody of it. “Vertical Sex Limit”? Really? That’s your clever twist on the title? Thanks, but I’ll hold out for the “The Curious Case of Benjamin S*x Button,” or “Million Dollar S*x Baby.” Way to hurt yourselves on the naming convention, guys.

Get it? It’s a play on the wrestling convention “No HOLDS barred.” Magnificent. Judging by AdultDVDEmpire.com (the thinking man’s reference tool), there are seven films that include the phrase “no holes barred,” but none pique my curiosity like the title “Big Omar’s No Holes Barred.” Who is big Omar? Why has he decided not to bar any holes? The world of wrestling would work pretty well in a pornographic context, as televised wrestling pretty much fits the bill already (horrible acting, half naked men and women, paper thin plot lines). Now what will it take to get Vince McMahon out of the president’s throne and get Big Omar to run the show for a while?

7. No Holes Barred

Get it? It’s a play on the wrestling convention “No HOLDS barred.” Magnificent. Judging by AdultDVDEmpire.com (the thinking man’s reference tool), there are seven films that include the phrase “no holes barred,” but none pique my curiosity like the title “Big Omar’s No Holes Barred.” Who is big Omar? Why has he decided not to bar any holes? The world of wrestling would work pretty well in a pornographic context, as televised wrestling pretty much fits the bill already (horrible acting, half naked men and women, paper thin plot lines). Now what will it take to get Vince McMahon out of the president’s throne and get Big Omar to run the show for a while?

Despite the flagrant misspelling in the title (there is a missing ‘o’ that we corrected for our sponsors), I have high hopes for this film, as it promises to address the class struggles in modern America. I also see this as being potential crossover fodder for the Tyler Woods title (see first entry). Would you pay to see an Ambien-addled Tiger Woods lookalike amble around a country club and bang sexy female caddies. You’re nodding right now, aren’t you? If I know producers (which I don’t), I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that there is a wacky groundskeeper at this country club that is probably involved in a hilarious game of cat and mouse with a gopher. A sexy gopher.

6. Country Club

Despite the flagrant misspelling in the title (there is a missing ‘o’ that we corrected for our sponsors), I have high hopes for this film, as it promises to address the class struggles in modern America. I also see this as being potential crossover fodder for the Tyler Woods title (see first entry). Would you pay to see an Ambien-addled Tiger Woods lookalike amble around a country club and bang sexy female caddies. You’re nodding right now, aren’t you? If I know producers (which I don’t), I am willing to bet dollars to donuts that there is a wacky groundskeeper at this country club that is probably involved in a hilarious game of cat and mouse with a gopher. A sexy gopher.

Without more information, this could be a lot more than our heterosexual readership bargained for. That said, the title is elegant in its simplicity. Here are some athletes. They are bisexual. Are the bisexuals male or female? That’s the noodle scratcher. You check it out and let us know, again, in the comments section. A million “thank you”s.

5. Bi Athletes

Without more information, this could be a lot more than our heterosexual readership bargained for. That said, the title is elegant in its simplicity. Here are some athletes. They are bisexual. Are the bisexuals male or female? That’s the noodle scratcher. You check it out and let us know, again, in the comments section. A million “thank you”s.

In a very confusing instance of porn producers mixing their metaphors, “Match Play” is a wrestling film that makes the totally erotic claim of “No Holes Barred,” a pun that seems to surface a lot in the world of adult film sports parodies (see above). There are only a couple things you need to know about this movie. First, the tagline is “Taya tries to get a scoop and winds up getting it in the backdoor,” which could be good or bad, depending on Taya’s tastes. Further, this film features a gentleman actor by the name of “Anthony Hardwood,” which is a porn name so great I want to take my laptop and chuck it against the wall because I didn’t think of it first.

4. Match Play

In a very confusing instance of porn producers mixing their metaphors, “Match Play” is a wrestling film that makes the totally erotic claim of “No Holes Barred,” a pun that seems to surface a lot in the world of adult film sports parodies (see above). There are only a couple things you need to know about this movie. First, the tagline is “Taya tries to get a scoop and winds up getting it in the backdoor,” which could be good or bad, depending on Taya’s tastes. Further, this film features a gentleman actor by the name of “Anthony Hardwood,” which is a porn name so great I want to take my laptop and chuck it against the wall because I didn’t think of it first.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you’re trying to get guys to buy a porno movie, maybe you shouldn’t put the word “balls” in it. It’s not something that really elicits a positive response from heterosexual men (or am I the only one?) This little gem is about a married man who has some buddies over to watch the game, one of whom catches the lovely wife in the kitchen, doing something horribly untoward with a banana. While gangbang hijinks ensue, rest easy dear reader, as the blurb informs me that the husband, Ted, ends up “scoring a touchdown with his wife.” Which I take it to mean that he bangs the holy hell out of her in some really public place.

3. Super Ball Sunday

Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you’re trying to get guys to buy a porno movie, maybe you shouldn’t put the word “balls” in it. It’s not something that really elicits a positive response from heterosexual men (or am I the only one?) This little gem is about a married man who has some buddies over to watch the game, one of whom catches the lovely wife in the kitchen, doing something horribly untoward with a banana. While gangbang hijinks ensue, rest easy dear reader, as the blurb informs me that the husband, Ted, ends up “scoring a touchdown with his wife.” Which I take it to mean that he bangs the holy hell out of her in some really public place.

Hmmm. Tobey Bryan. Why does that name sound so familiar? He appears to be some sort of basketball player. I’m stumped. The double entendre “backcourt violation” is a bit of a reach, though. Offhand, I would have used “Two-hand Reverse Jam,” or possibly “Postin’ Up,” but it’s much easier to be a critic than an author. I know that they can’t all be gems. Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the ridiculously punny minds that bring us these delightful movies and titles. Ok. Time’s up. Bring on the naked chicks.

2. Tobey Bryan’s Backcourt Violation

Hmmm. Tobey Bryan. Why does that name sound so familiar? He appears to be some sort of basketball player. I’m stumped. The double entendre “backcourt violation” is a bit of a reach, though. Offhand, I would have used “Two-hand Reverse Jam,” or possibly “Postin’ Up,” but it’s much easier to be a critic than an author. I know that they can’t all be gems. Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the ridiculously punny minds that bring us these delightful movies and titles. Ok. Time’s up. Bring on the naked chicks.

I didn’t know porn had a “golden age,” but apparently it did, and this film came out of it. One of the most widely recognized adult titles of all time, Debbie Does Dallas is also a sports parody, as long as you consider cheer leading a sport, which I’m sure you do. The plot doesn’t take place in Dallas, nor does anyone from Dallas get “done,” but Debbie’s goal is to try out for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (the film calls them the ‘Texas Cowgirls’). This movie would never get made today. No, not because it’s too racy, but rather because the Cowboys blow (not in a good, porn way).

1. Debbie Does Dallas

I didn’t know porn had a “golden age,” but apparently it did, and this film came out of it. One of the most widely recognized adult titles of all time, Debbie Does Dallas is also a sports parody, as long as you consider cheer leading a sport, which I’m sure you do. The plot doesn’t take place in Dallas, nor does anyone from Dallas get “done,” but Debbie’s goal is to try out for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (the film calls them the ‘Texas Cowgirls’). This movie would never get made today. No, not because it’s too racy, but rather because the Cowboys blow (not in a good, porn way).