Super Bowl Commercial: Vin Diesel and The Rock Together At Last

Super Bowl commercials are pretty terrible. I’m pretty depressed that people actually care about them. However, there were two commercials that stuck out to me. The first one worth mentioning is the ridiculously offensive Groupon commercial. Making fun of Tibet during the Super Bowl. What’s more American than that? Don’t get me wrong, I love my country. But sometimes it needs to be slapped around like a disobedient wife (I don’t hate women. I love my country. And I happen to love my wife almost as much as I love car commercials.)

The second commercial I saw really has my knickers in a knot. For a long time, I’ve observed to myself that Vin Diesel and The Rock are the same person. It’s not exactly something I bring up in conversation. But gee wilikers, I’m not the only person who noticed this. Some evil genius cast Vin Diesel and The Rock in Fast Five. Maybe I’m just an insane English major, but when two characters like this exist it’s called literary doubling. Doppelgangers (No Umlaut. This is America). Two fella or gals that look exactly alike. Pretty sure something spooky always goes down with doppelgangers. The English poet Percy Bysshe Shelley encountered his doppelganger in Italy. The tale goes that the ghostly double pointed towards the Mediterranean Sea, and sure enough Shelley drowned in it shortly after. I don’t know about this Shelley guy. He probably used this story to sell books, faked his own death, and is off writing verses with Tupac for all I know. But it’s still creepy.

Is anyone else creeped out by the fact that Vin Diesel and The Rock are in the same movie? They’re essentially the same person. Play the same roles. Same avant-garde haircut. But maybe I shouldn’t be freaked out. I just realized that one day if I ever become an acclaimed Hollywood director, I will cast Vin Diesel and The Rock to play the two brother-members of Right Said Fred. There’s a great biopic idea. Forget the whole heroin-addicted music legend thing. Let’s make a biopic about the two bald guys who sang “I’m Too Sexy.” That’s a biopic I can believe in.

I’ve never seen any of the Fast and Furious movies. They always looked pretty stupid to me. Maybe because of this dynamic duo I’ll spend ten dollars and give up two hours of my time. Or maybe I could just give the ten dollars to charity. Yeah, maybe I’ll just donate the money directly to a cause instead of buying something that donates a cent of the profit to one. A few weeks ago as soon as I got off my shift delivering pizzas I blew half of my paycheck at McDonalds and stuffed the other half in the Ronald McDonald House deposit box. Why am I mentioning this for the first time on this website? Not really sure. I guess it’s interesting that I combined an act of charity with an act of gluttony. Should I spend ten dollars on this film in order to do a silly recap article? I’m not sure. I will suggest that Fast Five should donate a percentage of ticket sales to support Gothic Literature classes at American universities. Because what country are we in? America. And what’s the only thing more American than silly charities? Football.