Journeys of the soul…

A gentle witness to the mind…

by Shuba on August 20, 2010

what am I trying to write about today ?

Loopyness of the mind. My mind has officially become loopy. and there is no way around it, I have to admit it. Most often I start writing, and I have no idea what I’m writing about. 10 minutes later, I have forgotten what my original intention was in getting on my blog. I think the biggest practice my pregnancy is teaching me is to let go of the need to be a certain way, to identify with what I thought was my ‘self’. A self, if there was one, I no longer remember. And I have to start over again and again. What could be a better practice for me? Someone who loves accomplishment.

I sit diligently on my cushion everyday, and after my meditation practice, I have no idea what I just did, and I have to start over as soon as I step outside the room. You might ask, why I take the trouble then, to sit. That is where my faith in my knowing has deepened. Some core part of me appreciates the deep peace and well-being I feel after sitting. But it cannot use any words to describe them, nor can it hold on to them. In some way, every day, I feel like a beginner, because I don’t remember what my previous sit was like.

I know, I could easily get distraught about this fact – of losing my identity. But I don’t, because I recognize that getting distraught doesn’t help. Gentleness and compassion on the other hand, does. Surrounding myself with people who understand and are supportive helps. So that is what I practice. A much needed lesson in letting go, starting over and new found appreciation for things that I may have missed before.

Having a loopy mind, it turns out, has benefits 🙂 Of course, they say, after child birth, all the hormones come crashing down, and I will probably return to my neurotic, obsessive and controlling self. But for now, lets just say, this actually may be the best thing that ever happened to me.