A Picture of Grace Based Parenting Part 1

A Picture of Grace Based Parenting Part 1
Originally written April 2013

Miss Sweetie 4 has been doing so awesome…. Every time, when it has been a long time since any kind of meltdown or disobedience, I forget that she is still very newly home. When I am reminded, like last night, I run the equation in my head. She came home at 11. 11/11ths of her life was total chaos and destruction. She has been home 2 years. What fraction of her life has been chaos? What fraction has been healthy?

11/13ths… chaos. 2/13ths healthy. You can ‘t even reduce that to lowest terms yet! 🙂

This really helps me to keep things in perspective.

Sweetie 4 loves animals of all kinds. Yesterday for our special time she asked if we could look at the “Russian Hamsters” at the pet store. I honored her request with the knowledge we would not be coming home with a hamster. 🙂 She oohed and awed at them for a while, did some cage pricing and then we went on our way.

We had a wonderful time while we were out, and just had a really great conversation.

Sometimes, she gets things in her mind and gets determined to find a way to make it happen!

She asked her daddy if she could get a hamster. He said, he didn’t think she was ready to care for an animal inside the house. This made her pretty upset. She knows she has pets outside, but she was dissatisfied. She wants one inside.

She mentioned a bird, a snake and now a hamster.

She was brooding over the answer a little bit, and then got overwhelmed and went to lie on her bed.

I went in to check on her after a few minutes, and she had the covers over her head and was not budging. She didn’t want dinner. Didn’t want anything but a hamster!

“I know you are disappointed about the hamster.”

So, I went into the other room and left her door open. She could hear Sweetie 2 and and I singing songs while making dinner. She could hear laughter and she could hear joy.

I knew she wanted in her heart to join in, but she stayed on her bed. And then…. she went outside and climbed the tree. HIGH. She has not done that in nearly 2 years.I went outside and asked her to come down. “Do you realize, you broke your pinky promise?”

She immediately came down. She went back into her room and I gently said, “We love you sweetie.”

“I know you are disappointed, but you need to really think about what daddy has said.”

I sang a little soft song to her, and then I put my hand on her and just prayed for her.

Tears began to flow. I quietly said that I was going to go and finish dinner. “We would love for you to join us.”

(Daddy had to leave with Sweetie 4 for a special time)

She came out with tears of regret. “Mama, I am so sorry I broke my pinky promise! I can’t believe I broke my pinky promise! I was also wrong to get so angry! I was so wrong!”

“Will you forgive me?” And she fell into my arms with true sorrow and repentance.

“OH YES I WILL!”

I told her that she needs to forgive herself too, and let the Lord carry that burden.

Then we talked a little more about hamsters and why we don’t think this is a good time for one.She understood and received our instruction without anger.

We also talked just a little bit about dissatisfaction. Why do we think we have a “need” for something? “What are we trying to fill inside by getting another animal?”

That took some thinking. And she had some very good insights!

“Animals don’t hurt you or reject you.”

But God has created us to be in relationship with people! And even though people do hurt us and reject us, they are also capable of great love and mutual relationship! An animal cannot fulfill that kind of relationship.

She waited up for Daddy and Sweetie 4 to come home and then apologized to her daddy too.

It was beautiful.

We renewed our pinky promise. 🙂

Today, there has been no mention of hamsters, birds, snakes or other animals…. there was just happiness.

(Our gentle modeling, forced her to have to look at her own behaviors. She was faced with being the one who was angry. She was faced with being the one who broke her promise and she was faced with being the one who was on her bed pulling away from relationship. She didn’t like it.)

This is how BCLC (Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, or Grace Based Parenting works.

Our kids feel safe when we are in control. They feel safe and secure when we make a decision, even one they don’t agree with and stay the course in a fair and just manner.

There was no need to consequence her. She was ashamed of her own behavior already. She needed mercy and understanding, but not caving in to her demands.