Thursday, February 28, 2013

I heard him crunching the ice on the sidewalk as he walked in. He bounded in the door, his usual energetic self, happy with his new haircut.

He said he wanted to talk to me about something and he went over the couch and sat down. He patted the seat next to him and summoned me to sit with him. I couldn't resist the invitation. I knew he must be serious since that is what I always do when I want to have a serious talk with him. So, even though it was nearly bedtime and he still needed a shower to get rid of all the "tickly hair" around his neck, I sat.

He said "I want to know about my dad. Not my dad who died, but my first dad." Panic struck my insides. Why didn't he want to talk about sex or something?!?!?

It's not like the topic of "Old Dad", as we refer to him, never comes up. But, usually, it is just a brief question here and there.

That night he wanted the details......"Start at the beginning mom, where did you and my first dad meet?"

Here is the thing.....Old Dad was a drug dealer, I was addicted, we were a complete and total mess. My life was everything I pray his will not be. Things didn't end well with Old Dad. We went to court, got restraining orders, finally moved away and haven't had any contact since. That was 6 1/2 years ago.

Questions about him were always asked about why we didn't see him anymore. The answers have been a little more detailed as he gets older. He knows a little about the drugs, but mostly that he was "mean" to me. This is an understatement. He stalked me and terrorized me to no end when I decided to leave him. But, he doesn't need the details.

I gave him a few details of how we met and ushered him to the shower with promises that I would tell him more later.

As he showered, I paced my room. Praying quickly "Lord, what should I say to him?"

Then it happened. I remembered some good things about Old Dad. I remembered how kind he was to people. How he was always the first to help. I told Tanner about these things, from behind the shower curtain. I told him how much he liked to ride bicycles, one of Tanner's very favorite things to do. I told him how Old Dad protected me when I needed it.

He got out of the shower and into bed. As I tucked him in, I told him how Old Dad wasn't a bad person but that he had a lot of problems. That drugs make us make super bad choices. That sometimes, our problems are so big that the only way out is Jesus.

I told him how much I loved him and that is why we had to stop being around Old Dad. That I couldn't risk him being taken away from me. That he was more important to me than anything or anyone else.

I think he needed to hear that he was born out of love. He needed to know that there was good in old dad. That he wasn't destined to be "bad", that he had a chance.

It would have been easy to ignore the prompting to tell him the good about his Old Dad. It was scary to tell him some of the truth that I'd rather keep hidden.

My heart was softened that night. I think both of our hearts were healed a bit.

Friday, February 22, 2013

When I read this prompt the very first thing that I think of is that she held my hair. When I was a girl I had very long hair.....she loved my long blond hair. But when I would get sick, this beautiful hair was sure to get in my way and mom was always there to hold it back for me. Perhaps this isn't the most beautiful image, but in reality it symbolizes the never ending love that mom had/has for me. She was always there stroking my hair and making sure I was ok. It really is the little things that make the biggest impression. To this day when I am sick, I long for my mom to come over and hold back my hair and comfort me in the way that only a mother can.

A close second would be the bunny cakes that she always made for my birthday that always falls near Easter! :)

Friday, February 15, 2013

Beloved......This is a hard word for me. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day for lovers. Hard for me because my beloved is in heaven now. Last year, my first Valentine's day with out him, was hard in a different way, everything was still new so the hurt was much more raw. This year, it was different, I grieved the little things. My honey was a romantic at heart and always picked the most beautiful cards and wrote me beautiful lines of love. I miss that.

The other thing that was hard was that I wanted to express my sorrow, but didn't want to be a downer for others. How do I express myself without looking like I'm asking for sympathy? A simple heart on my honey's still active Facebook page was what I chose.

My son and I also made it a special day with a Dairy Queen date! My evening ended with suprise flowers and chocolates from an amazing couple at my church. God showed me I was HIS beloved and He sees my heart and He knew I needed a little extra love yesterday.

Friday, February 8, 2013

This week has been a tough one. I've got a place in my heart that I've been burying so deep that I forgot it was even there. God exposed it this week. He bared this place for me to see and for Him to heal. It hurts. A lot. Both the actual wound itself and the realization that it is causing me not to fully trust in Him. The wound is the loss of my husband to cancer. I truly thought that I was past the part where I didn't trust God for the best for me. But as it turns out, I'm still kind of upset that He didn't provide us the miracle that we prayed for so fervently. He revealed this to me on Sunday evening and every. single. day. this week He has been faithful to provide me with examples of why HE IS TRUSTWORTHY.

Times up. But I just wanted to share what He has been doing to bolster my trust. On Monday morning, through the Hello Mornings Abounding Hope Bible study of Job, He showed me that my suffering is not punishment. Seriously. This was so huge for me. Then yesterday we learned of God's tenderness. His tenderness. This isn't a quality I automatically attribute to God. He showed me that tenderness does not equal weakness and gave me a glimpse of the tenderness He feels. Then this morning we studied the armor of God and that He gives us everything we need in Him.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that He has more in store for me over the coming weeks as the Hello Morning email last Monday said that we would be studying Job and trust for the next 6 weeks!

It brings tears to my eyes to think of how He meets me in my place of weakness and hurt and heals my wounds. He waits patiently for me to be ready to accept his healing and grace. He is so faithful!

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Go buck wild with encouragement for the five minuter who linked up before you.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

This week I started a 3-month challenge called Hello Mornings. The goal of the challenge is to get up earlier in the morning and spend time with God, exercising and planning your day. The motto is:
It's been a week since I started and I can't believe the difference I'm experiencing in my life already.

Let me start by saying that I have NEVERbeen a morning person. I have been pressing the snooze button since I was in junior high school. Literally, my alarm was set a half an hour early so that I could snooze. Then I read this about not snoozing. I haven't pressed the snooze button even once since I read this last week.

I have gotten so much out of the Abounding Hope Bible study in just a few days. It is amazing the way God meets us when we go even just a tiny bit out of our way to be with Him. I've got 1 Peter 1 buried in my heart and I'm not letting go. The studies are brief but so powerful. Each day I have been able to reflect back on the mornings lesson throughout the day.

Oh and I've exercised. Every. Day. This. Week. My tendency would be to belittle what I have done and qualify it with and "only this long" or some such thing. I've fought the urge to qualify my successes. Yesterday morning as I was driving to work I had the revelation that when we berate ourselves, we are really berating God. All good things come from Him. The victories that I've been having each morning this week come from Him so when I belittle them, I am belittling His work.

I've also planned out each of my days. I've made meal plans and actually stuck to them! The stress that this relieves in my afternoons is amazing! Rather than coming home from work and scrambling to find something for dinner, I am able to just make the planned meal and spend more time with my son. Plus, it's saving me money because I'm not running to the store or through a drive through after work.

Don't get me started on how planning just a few chores to do each day means I actually get something done, rather than being overwhelmed by the giant to-do list and doing nothing.

I am so excited for what Hello Mornings is doing for my days! My mornings are so much less stressful as are my evenings. And the community that is being built is such a blessing! I look forward to hearing from the #HMCPsalm1438 ladies each morning on Twitter. The accountability is key!

I'm so glad God brought me to this challenge and I'm really looking forward to what the future holds early in the morning!

Friday, February 1, 2013

It's a wonderful writing exercise and an even better community! Come join us and be blessed!

This weeks word is "AFRAID."

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.

3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.

Afraid. Boy this is a tough one. I'd rather not admit that I've lived most of my life afraid.

Afraid people won't like me.
Afraid I won't be "good enough."
Afraid of disease.
Afraid of trying new things.
Afraid of failure.
Afraid of success.
Afraid of relationships.

......Afraid of God.

It chokes me up just to type the words. It's no coincidence that this weeks word is afraid. Just this week as I was doing a discipleship study with a dear friend, God brought this fear to my attention.

We were studying the Holy Spirit. Our memory verse was:

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all of Judea and Sumaria and to the ends of the earth."

~Acts 1:8

As we were talking it through, my difficulty in relating to the Holy Spirit, God gave me the revelation that I have been scared of the power that comes with the Holy Spirit.

Ouch. That one stung a bit, I have to admit. Scared of letting God do His good work in and through me.

But, knowing is half the battle. Now my prayer is that I will be released from this fear so that I can fully embrace all that He has for me.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."

~Romans 8:15

P.s....I was really afraid to write this post. All week I was thinking about how I could share this. Apparently God really wanted me to share this since He had LisaJo pick "Afraid" as this weeks topic. :)

Discovering My Heart

About Me

I am the mother of one amazing boy. I have 2 grown "bonus" children and 2 wonderful grandchildren.
I want to spend the rest of my days knowing more of Jesus and being the best mom I can be!
I love reading and I've always said someday I'd write a book, so why not start with a blog. :)