How to Get the Most from your Couples Therapy

Couples are often uncertain what to expect from the process of couples
therapy. They are not sure of how what to expect of the therapist or
even if the therapist has any expectations of them.I have found
most couples approach therapy with the notion that each person will
describe their distress and somehow the therapist will assist them to
create a happier, more functional, relationship. They expect to learn
some new or better skills. However, most people hope their partner will
do most of the learning in problem areas.
After 30 years of clinical experience and specializing in working with
(by now) thousands of couples, I have arrived at some guidelines that
can make our work more effective. First, I do have some expectations of
you. I am not neutral. I have evolved principles and concepts that I
believe give us the greatest chance for success. I believe my
primary role is to help you improve your responses to each other without
violating your core values or deeply held principles. So that you may
know some of my key guiding principles, I have created this document to
provide clarity and focus to our work.Your job is to create your
own individual objectives for being in therapy. Like a good coach, my
job is to help you reach them. I have many, many tools to help you
become a more effective partner - they work best when you are clear
about how you aspire to be.

Goals and Objectives of Couples
Therapy

The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself,
your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy
becomes effective as you apply new knowledge to break ineffective
patterns and develop better ones. The key tasks of couples
therapy are increasing your clarity about:

The kind of life you want to build together

The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life
and relationship you want to create

Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be

The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks.

Tradeoffs and Tough Choices

To create sustained improvement in your relationship you need:

A vision of the life you want to build together

To have a life separate from your partner because you are not
joined at the hip.

The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team

The motivation to persist

Time to review progress.

To create the relationship you really desire, there will be some
difficult tradeoffs and tough choices for each person. The first
trade-off will be time it simply takes time to create a
relationship that flourishes- time to be together time to play-
coordinate- nurture- relax hang out- plan family time etc.
This time will encroach on some other valuable areas your personal
or professional time. The second compromise is comfort
emotional comfort -- going out on a limb to try novel ways of thinking
or doing things listening and being curious instead of butting in,
speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing. At
the beginning, there will be emotional risk taking action, but you will
never explore different worlds if you always keep sight of the
shoreline. In addition, few people are emotionally comfortable being
confronted with how they don't live their values or being confronted
with the consequences of their actions.The third comfort that
will be challenged is energy comfort it simply takes effort to
sustain improvement over time- staying conscious of making a difference
over time -- remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more
appreciative etc. it takes effort to remember and act. The
fourth effort is even more difficult. That is, improving your reaction
to problems. For example, if you are hypersensitive to criticism, it
will take effort to become less sensitive instead of hoping your partner
will stop ignoring or criticizing.In all these areas, there is
generally a conflict between short-term gratification and the long-term
goal of creating a satisfying relationship. The blunt reality is that,
in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on the part of
each person to make a sustained improvement. It is like pairs figure
skating one person cannot do most of the work and still create an
exceptional team.

How to Maximize the Value from your Couples Therapy Sessions

A common
yet unproductive pattern in couples therapy is making the focus be
whatever problem happens to be on someone's mind at the moment. This is
a reactive (and mostly ineffective) approach to working things through.
The second unproductive pattern is showing up and saying, " don't know
what to talk about, do you? " While this blank slate approach may open
some interesting doors, it is a very hit or miss process.
The third major unproductive pattern is discussing whatever fight you
are now in or whatever fight you had since the last meeting. Discussing
these fights/arguments without a larger context of what you wish to
learn from the experience is often an exercise in spinning your wheels.
Over time, repeating these patterns will lead to the plaintive question,
"Are we getting anywhere?"A more powerful approach to your
couples therapy sessions is for each person to do the following before
each session:

Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.

Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger
objectives for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the
partner you aspire to become.

This reflection takes some effort.
Yet few people would call an important meeting and then say, Well, I
don't have anything to bring up, does anyone else have anything on their
agenda? Your preparation will pay high dividends.

Brief
Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships

The following
ideas can help identify areas of focus in our work and/or stimulate
discussion between you and your partner between meetings. If you
periodically review this list, you will discover that your reflections
and associations will change over time. So please revisit this list
often, it will help you keep focus during our work.Attitude
is Key

When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward
change is more important that what action to take.Identifying
what to do and how to do it is often easy to identify. The bigger
challenge is why you don't do it. How to think differently about
a problem is often more effective than just trying to figure out what
action to take.Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability
to respond to you. You are quite limited in your ability to respond
to your partner.Accepting that is a huge step into maturity.
The definite possibility exists that you have some flawed assumptions
about your partners motives. And that he/she has some flawed assumptions
about yours. The problem is, most of the time we don't want to believe
those assumptions are flawed.Focus on Changing Yourself
Rather than Your Partner

Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than
for your partner. I am at my best when I help you reach objectives you
set for yourself.
Problems occur when reality departs sharply from our expectations,
hopes, desires and concerns. Its human nature to try and change ones
partner instead of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human
nature is what keeps therapists in business.The hardest part of
couples therapy is accepting you will need to improve your response to a
problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it).
Very few people want to focus on improving their response. Its more
common to build a strong case for why the other should do the improving.
You cant change your partner. Your partner cant change you. You
can influence each other, but that doesn't mean you can change each
other. Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to
change a relationship.It's easy to be considerate and loving to
your partner when the vistas are magnificent, the sun is shining and
breezes are gentle. But when it gets bone chilling cold, you're hungry
and tired, and your partner is whining and sniveling about how you got
them into this mess, that's when you get tested. Your leadership and
your character get tested. You can join the finger pointing or become
how you aspire to become.Nothing is impossible for the person
who doesn't have to do it.
Fear lets you know you're not prepared. If you view fear in that mode,
it becomes a signal to prepare the best you can.You can learn a
lot about yourself by understanding what annoys you and how you handle
it.The more you believe your partner should be different, the
less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you.

Zen Aspects of Couples Therapy (Some Contradictions)
All major goals have built in contradictions, for example, speak up or
keep the peace. All significant growth comes from disagreements,
dissatisfaction with the current status, or a striving to make things
better. Paradoxically, accepting that conflict produces growth and
learning to manage inevitable disagreements is the key to more
harmonious relationships.Its not what you say. Its what they
hear.Solutions, no matter how perfect, set the stage for new
problems.

Tough Questions

Asking good questions--of yourself and
your partner--helps you uncover causes beneath causes.In a
strong disagreement, do you really believe your partner is entitled to
their opinion?Under duress, do you have the courage and tenacity
to seek your partners reality and the courage to express your reality
when the stakes are high?Why is it important to let your partner
know what you think, feel and are concerned about? (Because they really
cant appreciate what they don't understand.)What is the price your
partner will have to pay to improve their response to you? How much do
you care about the price they will have to pay? (Everything has a price
and we always pay it.)Can you legitimately expect your partner
to treat you better than you treat him/her?If you want your
partner to change, do you think about what you can do to make it easier?

When a problem shows up, its natural to think What should I do
about it?A much more productive question is. How do I aspire
to be in this situation?The Importance of Communication
The three most important qualities for effective communication are
respect, openness and persistence.Good communication is much
more difficult than most people want to believe. Effective negotiation
is even harder.A couples vision emerges from a process of
reflection and inquiry. It requires both people to speak from the heart
about what really matters to each.We are all responsible for how
we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us.
Communication is the number one presenting problem in couples
counseling.Effective communication means you need to pay attention
to:

Managing unruly emotions, such as anger that is too intense

How you are communicating whining, blaming, vague, etc.

What you want from your partner during the discussion

What the problem symbolizes to you

The outcome you want from the discussion

Your partners major concerns

How you can help your partner become more responsive to you

The beliefs and attitudes you have about the problem.

No wonder good communication is so hard.

Some Final Thoughts

You can't create a flourishing relationship by only fixing
what's wrong. But it's a start.Grace under pressure does not
spring full-grown even with the best of intentions - practice, practice
and more practice. Practice the right things and you will get there.
Love is destroyed when self-interest dominates.

If you don't know what you feel in important areas of your
relationship, it is like playing high stakes poker when you see only
half your cards. You will make a lot of dumb plays.The
possibility exists that we choose partners we need but don't necessarily
want.To get to the bottom of a problem often means you first
accept how complex it is.trust is the foundational building
block of a flourishing relationship.
You create trust by doing what you say you will do.It's
impossible to be in a highly inter-dependent relationship without ever
being judgmental or being judged. If you strive to always feel
emotionally safe in your relationship and get it, you will pay the price
of becoming dull.If both of you never rock the boat, you will
end up with a dull relationshipKnowledge is not power. Only
knowledge that is applied is power.

Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just
a few categories:

Blame or attempt to dominate

Disengage/withdraw

Resentful compliance

Whine

Denial or confusion.

These are the normal emotional
reactions to feeling a threat or high stress. Improving your
relationship means better management of these reactions.Can you
legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat
yourself.
Everything you do works for some part of you, even if other
parts of you don't like it.Three motivations will govern any
sustained effort you make. You will seek to:1. Avoid pain or
discomfort 2. Create more benefits 3. Be a better person.
It's also true for your partner.If you are asking your
partner to change something, sometimes its a good idea to ask if the
change is consistent with how they aspire to be in that situation.

Families counseling is owned by Deborah Tucker, M.A., L.M.F.T. (Lic #ML17142). Each of the practitioners in this office is a sole-proprietor, which means that the practitioner is in business for himself or herself. Deborah Tucker DBA Families Counseling is not a partnership, a joint venture, a professional corporation, or any other form of business organization with any of the other practitioners in this suite of offices.

Each therapist's practice is separate, and each is solely and entirely responsible for any liabilities resulting from that practice.

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