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Today’s Column

November 2, 2013

If possible, correct past wrongs

A friend of mine from my teen years (20 years ago) video-taped me back then, doing something I was embarrassed about. He showed other people that humiliating "scene," despite knowing how I felt about it.

I asked him to delete the scene, but he didn't. So, I stole the videotape from him and I still have it in my possession, today.

He even suspects that it was me who stole the tape even though I’ve denied it several times.

The video also has other scenes on it. They’re sentimental ones of him with his family that were videotaped back then.

Do you think I should erase the "scene" that embarrasses me and return the video to him after all these years?

Or, should I just throw out the tape and forget about it?

I’m not sure whether returning the tape after so many years would improve our friendship much, if at all.

I don't see or hear from that friend unless I make the first move.

Awkward in Los Angeles

If you’re trying to improve the friendship, this could be a step forward, but there are no guarantees. He was also wrong back then to show the video around.

Yet I believe that giving it back is the right thing to do, no matter how it affects the friendship.

But you’d have to handle this confession, and the tape’s return, as a gesture of caring about his family memories.

Now that you’re both adults, with parents much older, it’d show your sensitivity to his feelings about his family.

Apologize for the theft. Be honest about the motive, and the awkwardness you felt as a teenager caught on camera in that humiliating scene. It’s fair to mention you were both young and immature.

At your current ages, the meaning of close family connections is far stronger than the awkwardness of youth, so he should be appreciative of the video’s return.

My husband has no college degree, and has medical problems that have resulted in no job for the past two years. His medical expenses take up a quarter of my salary, so our two kids have extensive college loans.

He’s a great father who’s always been there for our kids (since he was rarely able to work).

But I’m increasingly resentful of having to shoulder this burden for 20+ years; especially now that I’m experiencing health issues myself.

I want to tell him he’s LAZY and needs to step up and support his family for once. How do I handle this without destroying my already fragile marriage?

Fed Up in Philly

Tell him he’s lazy and you’ll achieve nothing. He’ll have every reason to withdraw from you emotionally, feeling you unjustly blame him for his health condition.

You do sound more angry than rational on this situation, since his lack of a college degree isn’t a new development in your marriage. It’s been that way a long time, and with health problems, he was unlikely to go back to school.

You also sound scared, which is natural - worried about your own health, the kids’ college debts, and your own finances.

Talk to your husband as a teammate. Go to your bank’s financial advisor or your accountant, to talk out ways to handle your expenses should you desire or have to work less.

Also, raise the idea, encouragingly, of your husband finding some part-time work that he can do from home – if that’s truly possible, health-wise – to contribute to ongoing costs.

I try to put myself out there, but no one seems to like my manly charm. I’ve tried to be polite and intelligent with people I meet at the bar and the club.

Is it just me or is it a lot harder to meet people these days? I need to get it on.

Seeking in Manitoba

If “getting it on” is about sex, then you’re using the wrong approach.

BUT, if you want a relationship and love, you’re looking in the wrong places.

Bars and clubs aren’t usually an environment for showing how polite and intelligent you are, though those are qualities that other relationship-seekers do value.

You’ll have far better chances at community events, sports activities, joining a class in a new subject that interests you, or volunteering where needed.

You’ll not only expand your network of friends (some will know singles) andactually meetpotential dates. You’ll also become even more interesting yourself.

Tip of the day:

Making up to friends for past misdeeds is the right thing to do when possible.