Things Other People Do That Impress Me

“That don’t impress me much!” sang Shania Twain, in her irritating 90s hit, of the same name. Well, I’m no Shania Twain (thank goodness) but I must admit, impressing me is a bit of a hit and miss affair too. You could win a gold medal at the Olympics for the High Jump and I’d forget your name (unless you lived next door to me, or something). On the other hand, you could do one of the following things and I’d be open-mouthed with admiration:

1) Being An Expert. I’m hugely impressed when somebody is an actual “expert” on something, even if it is just something useless like Star Wars. In fact especially if it is something useless, for some reason. I like it when people have the attention span to apply themselves to things and to remember stuff. I sit entranced when people start reeling off loads of facts, because I have a terrible memory myself and a mind that roves around looking for something else to be distracted by all the time.

2) Being Tidy. How do people DO that? I long to live in a stark white minimalist void…Or even just to have “a place for everything and everything in its place” but somehow I can’t pull it off. I mean I DO have a place for everything but that place is called “right next to where I am, when I want to put it down”. And the other place is called “the floor”.

3) Being Hospitable. It’s great when people say “Come round now if you like! We’ll open a bottle of wine and rustle up a meal!”. I’m SO stunned that they can do that. Despite the fact that any of my friends are welcome to come to my house IN AN EMERGENCY (even an emotional one), people are very unlikely to be invited otherwise. Sometimes I blame the untidiness but I think I might do the untidy thing on purpose in fact… To keep them away and to give me an excuse NOT to invite them. I’m warmly and lovingly sociable away from home but if you visit I’ll probably be uneasy and counting the minutes until you leave. Seriously, I’m horrible. You probably won’t get offered more than one cup of tea either – I just forget.

4) Being Able To Mend Things. Actually I AM pretty good at mending things myself… But people who can mend big things like cars impress the hell out of me. Mostly because they are men. Heh.

5) Using Cling-Film, Without Swearing. How on EARTH do people manage to do this? When I use cling-film, it refuses to “cling” to anything but itself. It won’t tear, so I have to develop a third hand, to hold scissors (which don’t work anyway). It comes off the roll in a strip that isn’t the entire width and then gets narrower and narrower, leaving an increasing amount behind, in a diagonal. By the time I have finished, the roll is f*cked, my nerves are shattered and the food is protected by some kind of tattered, baggy imitation of what cling-film ought to be.

6) Playing FPS games, on Xbox. Aren’t people who can do this, clever? Many, many times my son has demonstrated this ability to me – but try as I might, I am totally incapable of controlling my character in a “First Person Shooter” game. I hold my gun and try to walk – but before I know it, I’m aiming at the sky and rotating slowly, until one of my son’s friends sneaks up and shoots me. Poor Brandon, “Stop teabagging my Mum!” is a cry no child should ever have to utter.

7) Being Quiet. How the Hell do quiet people keep quiet? I never stop talking, I have an opinion on everything and I crack jokes and I drive people mad. I’d love to SHUT UP for the sake of those around me but it isn’t any fun, so it isn’t going to happen. I’m really impressed by people who keep their own counsel though and I’m sure that they are cleverer than me.

8) Being Able To Cook. I love it when somebody can create delicious, hearty food and share it with others. Such skill. My meals however come in three types, “Cooked in the microwave, straight from the freezer”, What shall we order?” and “OMFG what IS this?!”. I can fry bacon and eggs though.

9) Looking After House-Plants. I look in awe when people have homes full of beautiful plants. Plants tremble at the mention of my name. Any plant that enters my home should start living every day as thought it were its last.

10) Looking Good In Charity Shop (Thrift Store?) Clothes. “I got it for fifty pence!” says my friend, when I admire her trendy little cardigan, “isn’t it unique?!”. Yes, it IS. But when I buy clothes in the Oxfam Shop, I look like a crazed cat-lady, a refugee, a throwback to the 80s, or a tall old-age pensioner. What I’m trying to say is, I look like I’m wearing a 50p cardigan.

26 responses to “Things Other People Do That Impress Me”

Thing 1: Being funny, clever, what have you. I love it, I admire it in those around me, and I strive for it always.

Thing 2: Being able to interact with “normals”. I can’t seem to get it right. I let them bother me too much. My only solution is to avoid them, but they are everywhere, so I’d much rather be able to interact with them without getting a complex.

Thing 3: People who can go through college from being to end the normal way and get straight A’s and end up with a Master’s or PhD. My attention span won’t allow me to do this properly.

If somebody “teabagged” my mother, I’d cut his testicles off and feed them to him.
You see, I don’t know where you are, but where I am, teabagging is the act of a man putting his sweaty balls on another person’s forehead. It’s a hazing ritual.

On Xbox Live, teabagging is much the same but a charater acts it out, on anyone he has just killed. It’s a way of insulting someone you’ve just beaten, in a multi-player game. The person doing it isn’t anywhere near you in reality. Their little sprite just crouches up and down over your (dead) sprite’s head.

Obviously it is a ritual mostly carried out by stupid teenage boys… Some of whom pick on me!

I don’t think I would impress you much since I can only do numbers 5 & 8. I wear thrift store clothes and think I look great, but based on the number of bag lady/homeless comments I get, I’m guessing I’m not real successful at that one.

I think the people who impress me are the ones who can keep their shit together financially. I don’t mean wealthy people, I mean people who can actually save a little and not feel compelled to spend every penny they have.

I really am impresed by people that have a super tidy house too. Like you go in their bathroom and its evident its cleaned every few days, and theres no dust or pet hair in corners anywhere, and they vacuum a lot too in addition to just not being cluttered -_-.

You avoided the spam filter! Yay! AWESOME links, hahaha! I might be able to get a certain gentleman to bring me some Press-N-Seal, when he comes over from America, next week! But those shower caps for bowls are the BEST thing there! Hahaha!

You always write these so that we end up talking about ourselves. Is that part of your genius or am I just self-involved? Oh whatever, let’s talk about what I think – again.

Things that impress me: 1. Not getting your opinions from FOX News. 2. Having a butt that looks good in jeans. 3. Doing complicated math in your head. 4. If you’ve read more Proust than I have. 5. Coming up with a funny essay every few days. 6. Reading music.

Also, anyone who can use cling-film without making a mess is a ninja – don’t let them tell you otherwise.

People who can write. Write down their thoughts, dreams, what happened that day or a funny story. I have no connection to my fingers from my brain. I’ll think, ooh, I should write that down and then POOF! as soon as my hands touch the keyboard it’s all gone. I can do a reasonably good comment on occasion, but that’s as far as I get. I admire anyone who can put down their thoughts, even if they are shit, because it’s a talent I don’t have.

I cannot run. I would say I can’t run to save my life, but the only two times in my adult life that I have found myself running were to get away from someone who had already stolen my wallet, and to get away from a wild pig in a state park, so at the time I did think I was running to save my life. But when I hear people say “I’m going for a run,” I wince even though I am impressed. Even as a child, I was the one in gym class who was collapsed on the side of the track or field with a stitch in my side that I was sure was going to kill me.

In general I am very physically fit and healthy but running, forget about it. I wish that I could.

But extra thanks for this reply, as it proves that you too think PIGS WOULD KILL PEOPLE. I can’t tell you the number of arguments I’ve had with my b/f about this. I say that if a farmer was injured and the pigs got hungry, they’d attack him and eat him. Dave says they wouldn’t.

The wild hogs around here (south Texas) are as tall at the shoulder as a person and very vicious. But yes, even farm hogs will certainly eat anything and would probably kill an injured farmer if they were hungry enough.

OK, to get this out of our heads, here is something more pleasant that I can’t do and wish I could: the “purl” stitch in knitting. I try and I just can’t! All of my projects are afghans made from garter-stitched rectangles.

People who can knit at all impress me. I can crochet anything you want, but when I knit, something goes wrong with the tension, and each stitch is tighter than the last, until the needles won’t go through at all. I find it very stressful, and I think I need a hug just thinking about it.