The DaRK PaRTY ReVIEW is pleased to announce a new regularly occurring opinion column called Under God’s Right Arm by the Rev. Colson Crosslick. Mr. Crosslick, a graduate of Bob Jones University, a profuse letter writer to TownHall.com, and pastor of the Pretty Good Shepherd Ministries in Ripsaw, Arkansas, will explore the pressing issues of our day.

What could be a better gift to a Christian child than the highly acclaimed Curious George series by H.A. Rey? Aren’t these books simply about the light-hearted adventures of an inquisitive primate exploring the world around him – one giggle-filled scrape after another? Not on closer inspection. The late Mr. Rey and his publisher, Houghton Mifflin (which has published the works of anti-American authors like James Carroll), would have parents believe that George is an endearing symbol of childhood innocence.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The Curious George books are filled with corruption, criminal behavior, and a callous disregard for the consequences of wrongdoing. The seven original books in the series feature drinking to excess, smoking tobacco, wanton vandalism, theft and robbery, kidnapping, bribery, animal brutality, slave labor, and a single man living with a monkey. Is it really any coincidence that the first generation of children exposed to Curious George in the 1940s became the Beat Generation – giving us subversive, drug-addled troublemakers like Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac, and William S. Burrough?

The Origins of Corruption: The First Book

Most parents have no idea that H.A. Rey and his wife, Margret, were born in what was to become Nazi Germany. One wonders why Mr. Rey used his initials instead of his real name of Hans Augusto. Was it to hide his ethnic identity? Another little publicized fact about the Reys: they left Germany for Rio de Janeiro – a notorious hide-out for Nazi war criminals! Houghton Mifflin would have parents believe that the Reys were Jewish and escaped Nazi Germany on hand-made bicycles, but we all know that giant publishing houses cannot be trusted.

Mr. Rey published the first book Curious George in 1941 – while the United States was distracted by World War II. Disguised as an adventurous romp, this first volume is a cesspool of anti-Christian corruption. The ominous character of the “Man with the Yellow Hat” makes his first appearance here. The Man with the Yellow Hat (the Man, for short) looms over all of the Curious George stories – a smiling, omnipresent enabler of sleaze. The Man (always clad in lemon-yellow clothes, often appears to be wearing make-up, and bears a striking resemblance to a thin Nathan Lane) pulls the strings behind George’s transgressions.

(Side note: Mr. Rey dresses the man in yellow for symbolic reasons. Anyone who has seen a traffic light knows that yellow means “Caution.” But did you also know that yellow is very close to white on the color chart and that white is the color of death in many alien cultures? So, in fact, Rey has given us a symbol of the Man – “Caution Death!”)

The first book starts in Africa where young George is frolicking in a palm tree eating a banana. He retains his fragile innocence here – at peace with nature and God. Then along comes the rifle-toting Man with the Yellow Hat who invades George’s pastoral paradise and kidnaps him by stuffing him in a burlap sack. The Man plans to sell George into slavery at a zoo and his descent into evil has begun.

Despondent at his fate, George tries to commit suicide by throwing himself off the ship railing into the cold ocean below. He is, of course, saved by pirates the Man has hired for his kidnapping expedition and the rest, as they say, is history. Once in America, George gorges himself on food, alcohol, and smoking tobacco. Has the Man no shame? The only thing missing are supple, young male prostitutes with nipple rings and narcotics (don’t worry, the drugs come later).

The rest of the volume is an orgy of decadence. False alarms called to the Fire Department, a jail break (if only our criminal justice system had been given more of an opportunity to work its rehabilitation magic on George!), the robbery of a balloon man, and finally bribery. George ends up sold to the zoo.

Monkey See, Monkey Do: Teaching Children to SinGeorge’s life of sin is cataloged in six other volumes – but the three greatest offenders are Curious George Takesa Job, Curious George Rides a Bike, and Curious George Gets a Medal. Here are most glaring criminal and immoral activities from this trio of alleged “children’s” books.

Curious George Takes a Job: Features George breaking out of the zoo, stealing from an Italian chef, and overdosing on a bottle of ether. George also takes a job washing windows and enjoys being a peeping Tom and vandalizing an old woman’s apartment. Enter Nathan Lane’s doppelganger – O ye Evil Man in Yellow! – who signs a monetary pact with Hollywood to film George’s life story (God knows what kind of filth was produced!).

Curious George Rides a Bike: Features George and the Man living together in a twisted bestiality relationship that should make most Christians shudder with revulsion (at one point they even hug – this could have been Ang Lee’s inspiration for Brokeback Mountain!). George dupes a paperboy, destroys property, and tries to murder an ostrich (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Pat Robertson). George ends up performing for an animal circus wearing a green costume without pants!

Curious George Gets a Medal: This may be the most despicable book in the lot! George destroys Mr. Caution Death’s house with water (a reference most likely to the Old Testament). In a feigned attempt to alleviate the flood, George steals a pump from a pair of farmers (who look like Chuck Colson and Phyllis Schlafly if she were a man). George ends up vandalizing a museum and then is strong-armed into being the first monkey into space.

It’s time for Christians in the United States to admit to the ungodly influence of Corruption George. Behavior problems and youth crimes have been mounting since these books were published. The evidence is overwhelming. I’m calling for an all-out Christian boycott of Curious George. It’s time to send a message that our children are our most valuable assets and turn off the spigot of corruption that is H.A. Rey’s Curious George.

LMAO - So incorrect. Curious George was influenced by Nikola Tesla. His assistant had a kid who was always poking around his lab who Tesla could not stand and thus dubbed him Curious George, who in reality is George H Scherf(f) Jr aka George H.W. Bush.

My dear cowardly anonymous friends (God knows who you are!) let me assure you that I do not need your prayers. God listens to me and it was his words that revealed to me the evil that is the Monkey George.