Confused Married Man

Feb 2, 2008

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I am a married man who at times crosses the gender barrier. Obviously, I have much guilt about it but sometimes I cant help my urges. I have been dealing with this issue since being a teenage and I am now 30 years old with children.

Heres my situation Id be very interested in hearing your opinion.

I have just been involved in mutual masturbation sessions for the past 15 years with probably more than 100 men -- most of them I dont know. At times there might have been seamen on my hand from another person and then I touched my penis. I dont know for sure, but assuming so. There have only been four men I received oral sex from in all these years. One of them being gay, the other three were married. I also was involved with deep French kissing with two of the men (one of them was the gay man). I have NEVER performed oral and would NEVER think about anal. I am really just into mutual masturbating, but am concerned because I dont know any of these men well.

I have a family and am worried. Do I need testing? And is there need to worry? Can I assume Im fine?

Please know I am seeing a therapist to help figure out the best way to deal with my sexuality. My wife will be informed. we are just working out the best approach.

Your thoughts would be so very much appreciated.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello Confused Married Man,

You've been "crossing the gender barrier" for at least the last decade with at least 100 different men. Exactly what are you confused about? Things seem painfully obvious to me. I'm delighted you are seeing a therapist "to help figure out the best way to deal with (your) sexuality." It seems to me your sexual orientation really isn't in question. That you are married and have kids is the issue you need to confront. I found your description of your male sex partners rather telling. Of the four with whom you had oral sex, you categorize them as "one of them being gay, the other three were married." Hmm . . . you make it sound like those two things are mutually exclusive. I can assure you they are not. There is probably an excellent chance all four were gay, but three were also married.

Your HIV risk is minimal at best. Mutual masturbation is not considered a significant HIV risk. Insertive oral sex carries only a very minimal risk for HIV transmission. Should you be worried about HIV? No. However, there is no doubt you are worried. Consequently the most efficient and effective means of putting those unwarranted fears permanently to rest would be to get a rapid HIV test three months or more from your last man-on-man action potential HIV exposure.

I would urge you to level with your wife. And the sooner the better. Being honest is not only the best way to confront your guilt over this issue; it's also the right thing to do for both you and her.

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