It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. We had a really strong connection but things only lasted for a month. In that month he told me he loved me and eventually I did too. I lost my virginity to him, so pretty much everything just moved way too fast. I broke up with him because I found out my grandma was dying from cancer and I was just a wreck. For some reason, I acted crazy. I admit that I pissed him off a lot.

Since the break up we have gone through many stages. (Cycle) He’d be mean. I’d ignore him. He’d text or call. I’d finally talk to him. We’d hook up again. Then he’d get a girlfriend. I’d get confused. He’d break up with her. I’d ignore him. Then we’d talk to clear the air some more. We’d fool around a little, etc. I’d get more confused.

Finally after this went on for a while he asked if we could be “F… Buddies.” I told him I had to think about it, but I knew deep inside that I loved the idea. He was the only guy I have ever been comfortable with physically and emotionally. Sure I’ve slept with a few guys since the break up but nothing ever felt right. I was joking and told him, “If we do this you can’t fall in love with me.” And he said, “Remember we tried that already and it didnt work?”

A week went by and he texted me and we decided to hook up. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk for a while and then we saw each other at the club that we met at. This is where I got completely confused. He was all over me. (He would normally never do that in public.) He was holding my hand and constantly hugging me. Every time I would go to the bathroom he would kiss me; he had his arms wrapped around me constantly, and he wasnt trying to be sneaky. AHHHH I dont know what that means!? Being “friends with benefits” usually means emotionless sex and I just feel like he was being way too affectionate.

He is the most confusing man in the world. He asks to be my “F… buddy” but he’s only really attempted to contact me about hooking up once; he doesnt make any effort. So I need help; should I end this? Does he still have feelings for me? And why does it seem like he’s the only one who gets me? Is he just lonely?

Pleaseeee help, this has been going on for a year and I’m going crazy!

Ella

Dear Ella,

Thanks for your question, or rather questions. We’ll try to help you sort this out.

Based on many of your statements you seem to have conflicting feelings swirling inside you. On the one hand you say you want emotionless sex, but on the other hand you seem like you really want to have a deeper connection with this guy—you say ‘he’s the only one who gets you.’ So which is it? “Friends with Benefits” or deeper relationship? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Be honest. If he came to you and said, “Ella, I love you, and I’ll do anything to show you how much, let’s give a real relationship a try” what would you do? Would you be excited? Would you run for the hills? Which? Those answers should determine your course of action here.

Having said all that we doubt he’s going to come to you and say anything remotely romantic. In fact it doesn’t seem like this guy is ready to get serious about anything. He’s too busy trying to keep you off-balance, and frankly he’s doing a damn good job at it. If you really want to be involved with him on any level, be prepared to be confused and frustrated.

Also keep in mind Ella that this guy was your “first.” There’s always something extra special, or certainly extra memorable, about any first. First kiss. First Crush. First Love. First Sexual Encounter. Those memories stay with us forever and they impact all of our seconds, thirds, and fourths. But don’t kid yourself and think he’ll be the only guy you will ever have amazing sexual chemistry with. In fact we would contend that with an actual emotional connection added to the mix, you might even have a more intense physical connection with someone new.

Lastly, if you’re agreeing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with this guy in hopes that he will eventually come around we think you should rethink that course of action. That’s a recipe for a broken heart.

There’s lots to think about Ella. The biggest question should be about what you want, not what he’s thinking. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. Readers, please jump in and give your opinions.

I just want sex but he's scared.
We dated for a couple months but I broke it off because he wouldn't give in emotionally, he wouldn't let himself get close. Well a month ago we hung out and ended up having sex (for the first time). It was great and I really want to hook up again. But again I get the feeling that he is scared. Like he will fall for me and doesn't want that. I'm cool either way. I have no problem keeping sex and emotions separate but if he wants to try the relationship thing again, I'd go for it. But really I just want him sexually.
On a side note... We talk about our fantasies about bondage. He tells me about things he would do to me and it really turns me on. But when I ask when we are gonna make it happen, he backs off big time!
I just wanna have fun.

@Rachel.....Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. And just so you know. This may be one of the last questions we answer. Our site will be coming down soon. Sorry. So to your question: This is a classic case of a guy not wanting to put the time and/or energy into a serious relationship, but yet, he still wants the benefits that come with all of that: Sex. That's really it in a nutshell. You might be wondering why he keeps contacting you, and with such a long break in the middle? Probably because his other source of sex dried up and he figured he'd be able to weasel back into your life. And he was right. So really Rachel, this comes down to you. What do you really want? If it's a committed relationship then you're not going to get it from this guy. For whatever reason that's not what he wants. He says it's because he's so busy, but trust us, that's only part of the reason. Basically he just doesn't want to get tied up in another serious relationship. We're not blaming him. He's got to do what he's got to do. And at least he's being honest with you. But he's going to keep trying to get you to succumb by any means he can. So in the end, if that's not what you want, then you're going to have to be the one to cut ties. Because we don't see this changing. Sorry. Take care. ps. Last point: This is a guy thing. Once a guy has sex with a woman, if the sex was at all decent, and sometimes even if it wasn't, he'll be open to having sex with her again at any point, a week, a month, a year, or twenty years down the road. Don't let yourself get caught in a holding pattern. That's what FWB do.

So in addition to the reply I just made- when he asked for a friends with benefits relationship he said that he didn't like to share so his rule is that neither one of us is going to sleep with anyone else.

I've been reading all of the questions and comments about friends with benefits and I'm still just as confused. My story is that I met a great guy who made me feel special and beautiful. After 3 months of dating he told me that he loved me and that he had loved me since the day he met me. I felt the same way. Being with him made me feel like I had always known him. We met family and met each other's children. We planned a life together. After 8 months the fall rolled around and he broke up with me stating that he felt guilty for spending time with his boys (who live with their mom) and not with me and my girls and vice versa. He said that he was afraid that in 2 years I would wake up and resent him for missing out on my girls' lives and having to choose. He decided to be selfish and let me go because he was feeling pulled in different directions and couldn't give enough to everybody. He said I deserved someone who had more time for me. We continued to talk every once in a while and slept together a few times. After a few times he asked if I would be interested in a friends with benefits relationship because that's all he had time for. He said that he was just too busy for anything else. After one time I called it quits. This was the man that I was in love with and I told him that I couldn't be demoted to just someone he slept with. I never heard from him. If we saw each other out and about we couldn't even say hi. Childish I know. So he soon after found a girlfriend. That was 6 months ago. A few days ago out of the blue I get a text from him stating that he wishes we could have been able to keep our friends with benefits connection but that it didn't matter now. I asked him why it didn't matter and he stated that he had heard that I was in a friends with benefits relatonship with someone already. I told him that was untrue and he proceeded to ask a lot of questions about it. After I swore that I was not sleeping with anyone he asked if I wanted to come over. Out of curiousity I did. We talked for hours and it felt just like it always had. He asked about my family and my girls and about my life. He told me about his. We joked and laughed and he even picked on me. We are both sarcastic people. One thing led to another and we slept together. It was after that he asked me if I wanted to have a friends with benefits relationship because he was just too busy for anything else. He said that since he works nights and his boys are so involved in sports that we could meet once in a while because that's all he really has time for since our schedules are so different. He said that we should develop rules and text each other. I text him and said that I just want to have fun. I have not heard from him. He told me that if he doesn't get back to me right away that I can't get mad because he is so busy. What is the deal with this man? Why is he my one weakness? Does he want me in his life but really doesn't have time? It seems that this may be a pattern for him to break up with women this time of year. But why contact me after so much time? Was he just jealous when he heard I was sleeping with someone? Which I wasn't. Any guy insight would be so appreciated.

Ive hooked up with this friend of mine back in my hometown at a party. Now Ive moved to London and we met. We hooked up again and spent the night together. We didn't have sex. I just have a quick question that is annoying me. While I had just started giving him a head, he stopped me.. stood up and went to the bathroom. Why is that? Was it because i was bad at it?

@Victoria.........You do realize this is blackmail? We're not sure what's going on, but he doesn't sound like the kind of person you should get involved with. But this is your call. We can't speak to the "other" stuff you mention or what kind of trouble you could get into. That part is above our pay grade. Good luck. And try to make good decisions.

Well I told him no and he started freaking out a friend of mine and myself got into a lot of trouble this year and hung out with the so called "wrong people" we did things we weren't proud of but we made amends with our past. When he heard I said no he brought up all the things we did and how he had proof of all of it and he wouldn't tell anyone about it if I agree to the FWB and to not tell anyone..I'm breaking that right now, I don't know what to do he has a lot on us that could get us into serious trouble, guys, what do you think?

oh and I forgot to say that this is 2 months after our break up! I have a feeling that we are gonna end up back together but not anytime soon. he said he'll always love me deep down and what not. right now he just wants sexual things an I don't want my body being used for that. thanks again

I'm gonna try and get straight to the point here! so I dated this guy for 3 months and we got serious too fast. he randomly broke up with me over a text message, yeah I KNOW. well it's not untill two days ago that I found out the real reason why he dumped me. His reason was because he'd spend all of his free time with me and he started loosing a lot of friends. He said he just needed space but he didn't know how to ask for it. anyway he said he can't picture us in a relationship anymore and it would be to difficult to try again and that his family would give him a lot of problems, which I don't understand because his family loved me, but mine didnt realy like him. anyway he said whenever he tries getting physical with someone I always pop into his head and stop him. he said he still has feelings but a relationship would be too much. he then offered friends with benefits which I turned down because I felt was to disrespectful for myself. I want to be with him in a relationship, not friends with benifits. I don't know what to do because I'm the kind of girl where it's either you have me or you don't, there's no in between. please help! thanks GUYS!

I was abused by this guy a while ago and ended the relationship, later on I started having feelings for this other man and he started liking me too, although when he found out what had happened in my past relationship he jumped to the conclusion that I was having sex with the other guy and decided not to be with me anymore. He started mentioning my past relationship and details about it constantly, then he suddenly stopped and we seemed to get closer again, he later texted me saying he still liked me and he never stopped, that he was just too shy to admit it, I admited that I still had feelings for him too and things went up from there, he called every night and we would talk for hours, hed call when he was drunk with friends saying he liked me over and over again. Then it stopped suddenly again I heard he started liking someone else so I tried moving on too, it didn't really work, well it was starting too until he called me yesterday and wanted to know about this guy who kept on talking to me, he kept on saying he wanted to hurt him because he was a flirt and we had a huge argument, I found it unfair because he did the exact same thing. he started calling me a player claiming I left him for the other guy which I hadn't we spoke for hours and then he asked if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him, he was serious, and is very persistant on getting an answer I don't know what to do because he would be my first and I don't know if I want that. What do I do? What do you think? Because I definitely can't figure out what to do. I don't know what to think because he kept on promising wed hang out and we never did and now that the friends with benefits idea came out he set a time and date as quickly as possible and also told me if I wasn't ready to go all the way right away its okay and that wed take it slow. What does that mean? I'm also scared if he tells anyone, if he just uses me once and that's it. I feel kind of like a slut if I agree to this but then again I want to see how itd be like. I also find it weird that I'm on edge about having a friends with benefits but I'd be fine if we were dating secretly is there a reason why? Both of them still lead to sex.

@Mandy.........You don't need to say anything to her. It doesn't sound like they are dating exclusively. And it's over between them anyway. We see no point as it was his mistake, not yours. Our question is: Why are either of you sending nude pictures via text/email/however? That's a very bad idea. So our first suggestion is to stop that immediately. Our second suggestion is move on from this guy. Maybe you like the attention and/or the sex now, but as this goes on you're going to grow more and more frustrated, confused, angry and eventually hurt.

So my ex broke up with me and I still have feelings for him, shortly after the breakup he showed interest in a housemate, also a very close friend. They are sort of dating, but she never makes any effort to see him and looks for excuses not too each time. She likes a life of comfort, being at home on weekends rather than out and she tends to be a cold person who is a bit too self-righteous and self involved to be in a relationship. She's 21 and has never been in a real relationship as she gets bored or irritated with having to sacrifice her time/space for someone. That being said she seems disgusted with sex and thus is still a virgin. Nothing wrong with that, its just that this guy is kind of expecting a sexual relationship. She's not going to give it to him.
Now me and my ex have been hooking up, not that much, but still. He keeps texting me telling me that he 'craves' for me and it has happened that I gave in. I guess this is my feelings stupidly, naively taking over? Anyway, we have sexted in the past but last night it went to a whole new level and instead of sending me a nude picture of himself he sent it to her by mistake and immediatly told her it was a mistake, he made up some story to cover it up.
She is disgusted and offended by the image it seems and has now stopped talking to him. He told me this. I know I'm just a booty call to him, but I still feel ashamed and guilty.
My friend knew I loved this guy, and when he broke up I kind of started to hate her, but I don't want to hurt her either. I am confused and when it comes to him I'm too much of a pushover. What do I do?

So I had a whirlwind of a relationship with my most recent ex... He literally swept me off my feet and I felt in love with him after 48 hours of meeting him... we talked for a week or so then ended things then we got back together again and two weeks later he ended things.. then a few weeks later we got back togther then he ended things again... I saw him last weekend and we ended up hooking up .. is so out of my elemennt to even think about sleeping with an ex because I know the how much it could hurt me . I just feel really comfortable with him and he makes me feel so amazing.. I see no chance of us getting back together..Is there a way to make him my sex buddy and still get over him relationship wise?

Hey guys,
I don't have the 'friends with benefits' problem, but I do have an ex-related one and it's taking toll on my physical as well as mental well-being
I dated him for 8 months and during that 8 months I let him into my social circle which included my little sister. They texted each other as friends, he showed me the texts lost of times, but I still hated it. Me and my sister have that kind of relationship, where she's my best friend, confidant and my 'person'
But my sister is a very cold,distant person and she tends to sit with a miserable expression, she doesn't even listen when a person talks(sometimes gets up and walks away mid-conversation) and she's selfish. Note she is 19. And if she doesn't get her way, she goes crazy. I think she's still stuck in her adolescent phase.
We had a huge fight about them being sdo buddy-buddy, and she told me she was seriously hurt at my perception of her. That I could think that she would try to steal him away was a hurtful an ridiculous suggestion,she'd never do that.
Now my ex broke my heart. I still love him dearly and I was holding out for a chance at a reunion with him, since I stupidly hoped he'd remembered that I really gave all of me in our relationship. After the breakup he told me he liked my sister and the feeling was mutual.
Now this broke my trust in her completely, I kind of feel like I hate her, that if I never speak to her or see her again, it would be too soon.
My ex still keeps me as a friend and keeps asking me to accept this new twist. But I can't, its impossible watching someone you still love, go onto someone so quickly, so close to home.
I'm selfishly hoping she hurts him, as she's never been in a real relationship and the guys she did like, she only flirted for 3 weeks, got bored and moved on. I mean she'd rather sit at home or sleep than go out with guys, I don't think she's even been on a date before. She also gets annoyed at guys wanting attention from her.
The thing is, she's a child still. But I still can't just roll over and pretend all is well when my heart is still sore over the whole breakup. And I promised him I'd be there for him, be a ear or a shoulder for him.
Now tomorrow we're having breakfast. Me and him and I really don't know what to expect. I'm tired of talking about this as it only makes it worse. I feel like I've been thrown away to rot, to be replaced. And this after I opened my heart completely to him.
How do I go about this? Am I so wrong for not accepting it?

@Lolita......Here's our take. You've created a fantasy about your ex-boyfriend. What you've done is project all the great qualities from your current boyfriend onto your ex. So now your ex is all the things you remember—sexy, hot, deep–plus he has all the things your new boyfriend has. We don't think reconnecting with your ex is the answer. That's just going to be frustrating and probably end up being similar to how it was the first time. (Seriously) We have two suggestions: 1. Refocus your efforts onto your current boyfriend. Is is that you're not that attracted to him, or is it that you feel you're not as intimate as you'd like to be? (No kissing, etc.) Because on the one hand you say you're not that attracted to him, and then on the other hand you say it's the best sex you've ever had. Somehow those two statements don't add up. 2. It seems like what your "perfect man" is, is a combination of your ex, and your current boyfriend. Right? That's also fantasy. We're not saying your current boyfriend is THE ONE. But if you break up with him, the next guy is going to have some great qualities and some other qualities you're not sure about. What it comes down to is conscious choice. Sure you need to be attracted, etc. etc., but choosing a partner is about choosing their good qualities and not so good qualities, and then making it work. If you're not willing to do that with your current boyfriend, we'd suggest moving on. But getting back with your ex is not the answer. What do you think? ps. We do hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Share on Facebook or other social networking sites. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

Hii guyss, well sometimes I wish we were back together to how things used to be, but then sometimes I feel maybe things wouldnt work out if they didnt before. Also he tends to be a a bit immature and childish, I've found so many good traits I want in a partner in my current boyfriend, although I find Im not really attracted to him physically so sometimes I feel like I need more u know? And well with my ex I'm sooo still atracted to him..soo I really dont know? At first I actually didnt want to date him, and he just kept on pursuing me till finally we started going out...My sex with my current boyfriend is muuch better and its the best Ive had, but we aren't that intimate as we were with my ex, like we almost never kiss!! I feel thats not normal for having been in a relationship for so long, we've been together for 2 yrs now... And I felt like we were closer with my ex, like he'd really listen where as my bf I feel is like always busy on his phone w work or friends..So I really dont know, if sometimes I'm still w my bf because hes nice to me, always there for me and everything,bc I still wish sometimes I'd be close to my ex..I also fear sometimes that it wouldnt work out,maybe its because aswell I've become soo used to the rutine w my bf so what do u think?? thankss

@Lolita.......You didn't mention what you actually want from your ex. If he was into you would you break up with your boyfriend and go back out with him? Do you still want to be with him? Let us know what you're thinking and we'll get back to you.

Hii guys, I'm quite confused myself, I dated this guy when I was in highschool, he was my first boyfriend, and I was instantly attracted to him the first time I saw him and it was obvious for him aswell. We got along soo well, but then there were some issues and problems because I was in my senior year and was partying alot, and his friends were giving him s*** for that. Because he used to be such a party person and being with me he changed, not because I asked him to though! Anyways he decided to tell me one day that he couldnt deal with everything anymore that I was being too mean with him, and he was too hurt, ect. I do accept I was. I wasnt mature enough and wasnt ready for a serious relationship like the one he wanted. At times tooo serious. Well the years passed, and he just started to like call me, text me all the time, to see me, and we'd fool around, have sex. I wouldnt call him ever or text him, he would always keep doing it though. I started dating, and he would still call and once I felt like he wanted to get back together but I was afraid and avoided it also because i had a boyfriend at the time. I still do, and what I dont understand is how much time has passed and why does he still call or text even when he knows I'm avoiding them. When I went on vacations w my bf , he then started calling and since it was a new number i answered and he was like hii and trying to be nice, i was very short and kind of mean bc my bf was near, and later that day he was like I want to go there next summer will you come with me, so i said i dont know. He's had different girlfriends and tells me about them when he calls, eventually they break up but i dont understand if hes in a relationship why does he keep calling me? whEN I see pictures of him I miss him, and still have feelings for him, but I'm not sure how to feel... Bc i have a very loyal boyfriend, and dont want to screw it up w my ex just because he keeps calling and makes me uncertain. Even when he doesnt call I sometimes miss him. But Im not sure really what he feels.. If he really still cares or its something else..or just wants sex? or I dont know really... what do you think?? Thanks in advancee..

@Just me.......We're sorry. This is tough. But you've definitely made things more difficult for yourself. But we understand. Breakups are complicated and hard. And don't feel badly. This kind of thing happens all of the time. There is a clean way out. Break up and be strong. End the FWB immediately because having sex with him isn't going to make him want what you want, and it's only going to make you more sad, confused, and eventually resentful and angry. Yes, it's easier said than done, and it will be very sad at first, but in the end you'll be saving yourself a lot of pain and heartbreak. Because you're in a holding pattern right now, and will be until you make the clean break. Your thoughts? Any more questions? Ask away. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

Sorry hit post before I was done :)
I think there are too many feelings left between us how can I make him understand how I feel about it!? I'm starting to think its sleep with him or loose him completely and I know I do not want him gone. He is my best friend but I think sleeping together will just end up leaving us more hurt.
I should mention we broke up because I know I want a committed a serious relationship. I want to get married and have my babies the whole 9 while he doesn't believe in marriage. We have a complete opposite life growing up I guess. (My parents were together until my dad died - I grew up around all the married couples - he was opposite his parents have been divorced for years and still to this day are fighting and bickering over nothing)
Is there any clean way out of this or have I dug myself too deep?

I would love to get an outside perspective of my fwb relationship. Back story we met at work almost three years ago. We're very flirty from the beginning but he was just getting out of a relationship with his baby momma - they couldn't commit to each other and ended up breaking up right after we started working together - he constantly told me that in had nothing to do with the breakup and that it was over after their daughter was born years ago and they only reason they stayed together was for her but realized that wasn't fair to anyone so they ended it. After months of flirting and hanging out as much as possible (literally would only be apart when we went home to sleep) we decided to try a relationship. We rushed into it and we realize that now. After "dating" for 2 years we ended it. However we haven't ended the sexual side of the relationship. Hence the spot I'm in now. He is staying with me now and at first I told him that I didn't want to hook up - I'm not over the relationship and I just end up confused. But once again we have fallen back into sleeping together. I have never been a believer of a fwb relationship I think they are nothing but a ball of confusion. So I guess my only real question is if he knows how I feel about it why does he want to continue this type of relationship!? He is constantly trying to reassure me I'm the only one he's sleeping but I think there are too many feelings left betwe

Am I in a friends with benefits relationship or heading to a committed one?
First of all to the Guys,great job and very educative site. Here goes, I think I have a problem I started seeing this guy since(March)this year for 6 months now. He's an Expatriate, he comes to work in the country were I live and go home to his country for a month or more then he comes back.
The issue am facing is to clearly to identify whether am in friends with benefits relationship or heading to a committed one. I need to know what is happening. I met a guy at a salsa social class. We danced and I must say we immediately liked each other. Time went by and we started talking and we exchanged the numbers. We eventually went out to a salsa club, we danced and while there he later he asked me out for a drink and chat to another resturant. When we arrived, he told me he was single and he didn't want anything serious at the time.I told him I wanted something serious, I immediately closed my hearts intentions to start anything at that time. I was immediately confused and I started wondering were this was going. He said he liked me and wanted to know more about me. Anyway we didnt stay long at the resturant we went back to the salsa club we were and for the rest of the night lets just say this got weirder. He was so close with me the entire night,were I sat there he was. He sat next to me and held hands in the presence of everyone. He even decided to drop me off home and in the end we kissed. The following days and weeks we were spending time together, he told me he had been hurt and cheated on, showed me photos of his ex. He told me things will change and will get better and when I asked him what he met after what he told me about relationship status, he just smiled said things will be different and I assumed he was ready to commit. I did'nt have sex him with until after a month towards the time he left for Germany (he's German).
He came back in May only for a month, we spent more time together got even closer. I noticed when I tried talking emotions he was acting guarded. I didn't puss it, at the end of the month he left.
We had been communicating by emails and then he started calling about three times in a week. In July he told me he was going to come back but instead he first went to bangkok for a holiday which I found out on facebook. I was so mad with him and I told him how I felt because I was looking forward to seeing him. Then I started noticing something, photos, upclose photos with one particular girl from Bangkok who he earlier showed photos to me and said she was just a friend. I didn't ask him about her and the way the photos looked if there was something going on. Deep down I believed something was happening. So I decided to ask him why he behaved that way and whether our relationship was a commited one or just play. He just told me he wants to be single and doesn't want a relationship and that he intially warned me at the begining but he still wanted to keep seeing me and obviously sleeping with me as he said I was so far at the time the best sexual match. I was so mad and I told him I felt led on as he knew exactly where I was at interms of being used. I had earlier told him I wanted something solid not a player. On his own he confessed before I asked him, he had a friend with benefits arrangement with the girl from Bangkok, this even made me more mad. I was so upset with him and asked him whether this was serious, he told me he would never marry her. That even left me more confused. I told him to carry on this this player life and to leave me alone but he told me he wanted us to talk after he got back.
He came back we spent time together and I was waiting for him to bring up the issue and guess what he was avoiding that discussion. I asked him what kind of a relationship we had but he just told me he was not ready to say because it would spoil everything at that moment. I let it go and then a few weeks passed I asked him again what kind of a friend I was to him? He didn't answer. I didnt push it and so I stopped. He left in October and last week he sent me a message saying he was going to Bangkok again and he didn't want me freaking out if I saw more photos of him there. I just told him I was thankful for letting me know and that he should enjoy himself but deep down am worried he will cheat with the Bangkok girl. He has written to me but now am mad, confused and I don't know what to do whether to write back or end what we have or to talk and him telling me where I stand. I am in love with him I know but I don't want to get hurt again as I was in a bad relationship for 6 years where my ex cheated repeatedly. I made sure I healed my heart break before I started dating. My self esteem was messed up back then and now I've got it together I don't want my to go through that again.
He will be coming back in December this year and I have to sort this issue out before I get my heart broken. So I need an outside eye from mans point of view.
I need your help, do you see a future for me with this guy?

but I do. Im not saying we should get back together again yet or anything but maybe we can talk some nights when you need me or I need you..you know, take it slow like I always do :) <-- so me and my boyfriend broke up with him dropping of a letter and driving away the. All weekend he gose out parting n Sunday texts me ^^^ that up there saying he misses me alot I'm so lost HELP!!

@Charlene......We think you need to cut ties with this guy. We know you care about him, but we don't think he's good for your self-confidence, and emotional stability. You won't break the cycle if you keep hanging out with him, even as friends. You'll just remain in the holding pattern you're in indefinitely. It's time to break free. The only way to do it is to decline his invitations. If he keeps pestering you, you need to tell him you're moving on. Unfortunately we can't supply with the strength to not cave, but we do think you're strong to fend off his advances, so this is really only taking things one step further. You can do it. Let us know if we can help in any other way. And no worries about asking questions. Ask away. Take care. And thanks for sharing our site with friends.

Thanks guys,
I was feeling weak and needed to hear that. We've been trying to be friends for awhile and sometimes it goes so well but then a little too well and he wants to hook up and I back off, he gets offended, i get confused about his and my feelings and then the cycle starts over again. Thank you for your clarity I am starting to realize that even though I'm trying to convince myself otherwise there's still a part of me that thinks things will one day change and we will end up together because he gets so nice and sweet. It's those moments where he puts on the charm and I think it's cause his feelings have changed but he's just trying to get some. I hate how easy it is to forget everything else (like the fact he doesn't want a committed relationship) So that's what I needed to hear, that that will never happen and it's time to move on and end the cycle. So I do have one more question, in the past I have tried to say no to hanging out more often and just tried to ease off and slowly stop hanging out with him so it's not so dramatic. But that hasn't worked, he'll just keep asking me to hang out even more and it's hard to say no to. So should I talk to him in person and explain myself and say this relationship isn't good for me right now? Or should I just say no to all of his invitations? Or should I say if we're going to be friends absolutely no friends with benefits ever, that can never be an option and if you can't deal with that than we can't be friends. Do you have any advice on how to move on without getting sucked back into the cycle? I have a feeling he'll be offended and say something in the moment that will make me cave.

@Charlene....We understand your dilemma. We can offer words of clarity, but no words of encouragement. Well, except that we think you're a strong woman, and good for you. But no words of encouragement pertaining to this guy. Yes, a guy will go through huge amounts of trouble to procure sex, especially if he's got no other potential woman around. (He doesn't.) But he wants nothing more unfortunately. (Or maybe, fortunately) We will give him credit for being honest. That's more than you'd get from a lot of guys, but we don't like that he's trying to twist this around and make you feel like you're not progressive or something. That's absolutely ridiculous and good for you for not taking the bait. SInce you asked—and we normally don't do this—we say, move on. There will be plenty of guys who will want to have a serious relationship with you. But it's not going to happen while you're "involved" with this guy. Thoughts? Does this help? We hope so. We're trying to be straightforward yet supportive. Ask as many follow up questions as you'd like. And keep us posted on what you decide to do. ps. Do us a favor? Please share our site with friends. Facebook, Twitter, Face-to-Face. Thanks. We appreciate it.

Hi Guys,
I've had some conversations with my ex and every time i go in to them I feel strong and sure about how I feel and then he leaves me feeling so confused. He's mentioned hooking up and invites me over ( I know what he wants) I refuse him and say, I don't want to be friends with benefits because it puts me in the dangerous position of getting hurt and not fully being able to move on. That I don't want to one day see him dating someone new and be sad about it but not be able to complain because I knew what I was getting myself into. He's also mentioned "dating" again but he wouldn't want it to be exclusive (that was our problem in the first place) because he says he only wants to date someone and have her be his girlfriend if he knows it's someone he wants to marry. So well hello that is hurtful and I say I don't want to casually date you just to watch you end up with someone else. He says well most couples end up hurting eachoter or cheating on eachother anyway so better to be open about it from the beginning. He says he's not interested in anyone else or looking but he wouldn't want either of us to be held back. And that it would be more painful to fully commit to someone and then have them meet someone new and break up with you rather then to just let that already be an option. On some levels I guess I understand but I try to explain to him that if I was dating him and sleeping with him I would not make an effort to be with anyone else and would feel committed to him and how can you ever know what someone would be like as a partner unless you see what commitment with them is like? So we basically agreed to disagree and we've hung out a couple times he keeps being sweet and asking me to hang out and I can tell he still wants to hook up. So the last time he texted me to hang out I told him I think that if we hang out again soon we'll end up hooking up and that prob wouldn't be a good idea. He said he didn't see what the problem with that would be and said he's putting all the effort in and if I wanted to hang out sometime i should let him know but he won't be contacting me again.
I know it's lame. I know he wants sex but do guys really go through that much effort for it?! He rejected me basically said i'm not the one he wants to marry, then makes me feel bad and confuses me and tries to make me feel like i'm just not forward thinking enough. Why doesn't he just go hook up with someone random if he wants sex that bad? I know I'm not asking anything specific yet but i just always end up so confused and it is so hard because it is so tempting to sleep with him (which now seems lame cause I realize he's a jerk)and so hard to shut down that part of me that thinks maybe part of him wants more with me. but I'm trying to be strong, and was hoping you had some words of clarity or encouragement for me?

No I've just left it. I don't want anymore, I mean it was only a month so I don't see why I should be worried tbh. I'm glad I've fine what I've done to be honest, if he contacts me again then I Wong bother contacting back cus if he just wants sex I'm not prepared to do that anymore. No I haven't every time we arrange to meet, we're both either working or he's busy with football. So I've just left it. I'm happy and I don't need that in my life :-) Thankyou guys

@Harry.....He's not necessarily being jealous, but more territorial. If a guy is having sex with you, whether it's a Friends with Benefits situation or a relationship, he won't want you having sex with anyone else. Also, guys are competitive. They want to think they're the best sex you ever had. He doesn't want to be compared to anyone else. The "tell" to how he's feeling is when you told him you didn't want to do the FWB anymore, and he wasn't upset, angry or anything. He didn't beg you to reconsider; he didn't say he wanted a relationship; he just acted all cool about it. And we can guarantee that even after you tell him face-to-face that you want something more and that you don't want to do just a sex relationship, he'll still contact you and try to get you in bed. But we don't see you getting much more from this guy. We know this seems confusing, but to us he's being very clear. He doesn't want what you want. So have you talked to him yet?

Also at one point he txt me at 2am asking if I was still awake, of course I wasn't I was asleep and on holiday. I woke up and txt back, it was an hour later saying "yeah sorry." Then he responded straightaway with "took your time lol" then I said "I was asleep" and he didn't txt back.

Back again. He got in contact with me, (I didn't contact him) he was asking how I was and what I was up too etc...so I basically said that I don't want to do this anymore because Im afraid to get feelings for you and I thought I was ready, but I'm not and he said he was absolutely fine with it and that he's not angry or mad at me and said "are you sure you wanna do this?" I said that I was and that to talk about it properly we should meet face to face cus I felt like a thirteen year old doing via text. He agreed. Then he kept asking what I was doing that day and if I was ok and not upset or anything....? Then yesterday (Sunday) he text me asking if I was ok and if I pulled (basicslly hooked up) a guy lady night when I went out with some friends, he also said he wouldn't be mad or jealous so I said "you know what?! Uh....never mind" then he got persistent about knowing if I pulled or not? Now, forgive me if I'm wrong but usually friends with benefits don't ask or care if u hooked up with someone right? So by him being interested shows me he must be a bit jealous? Right? I'm probably wrong. Lady might we were supposed to meet, I know he was in Plymouth with his football team and it takes a long time to get back to my town from there but he did t even text me to say if he could or couldn't meet. So me being a woman and being emotional an all deleted his number and I'm fuming. I'm so confused! Help GUYS!!!!!! Harry

@Josalynn.......So are you kind of waiting around for him? Are you always single when you reconnect with this guy? And how do you feel about him cheating? If you really think about it, who's to say he wouldn't cheat on you if you were his girlfriend? So fill us in some more about these things. When's the last time you saw him? Was he still dating someone else? Do you live in the same town/city?

Hello, I am very confused. I've known this guy since elementary and he was always a good friend (he's 4 years older) it started one Halloween night when we were just hanging out and we ended up sleeping with each other. It's been going on for years and it doesn't matter how many months or years pass by but whenever we bump into each other it's like we're kids at a candy store. We've had conversations and hes told me that back then he felt bad cause it was like he used me and than after sleeping with each other after some time he started liking me but I moved again and was gone for about a year. Than we saw each other at a friends party and we ended up sleeping with each other again... Sad part was I didn't even know he just had a kid a few months from when I saw him.. He's cheated on all his ex's because of me... he even tells me he doesn't feel guilty being with me because it's just hat feeling of knowing it's so wrong but it feels so right. I'm so confused. I can't say no to him and we're both sexually attracted to each other. It's been going on for almost 8 years and I don't understand him... am I just that girl that he uses for sex?

@Harry....Well, this is why we don't love FWB. Too much chance for confusion, hurt and resentment. (Watch our video on the topic. On our video page) When guys say they want to have no-strings-attached sex—FWB—they actually mean it. They're able to compartmentalize sex and emotion. When women say it sometimes it starts off with good intentions, but usually starts to change because emotions and sex are too closely tied for the fairer gender. (You) So now you're in this situation where you'd really like a real relationship and now you're not sure how to proceed. Let's start with his behavior. Spooning and cuddling are all part of FWB. It's all part of the "dance" for guys, even after the "deed" is over. It assures a connection, and assures that they'll get to have sex with you again. Beyond that it doesn't mean much. When a guy wants a relationship with a woman he'll take her out on proper dates; he'll introduce her to his friends and family; basically he wants the world to know he's dating this new person. When a guy doesn't want that, all encounters will happen in the bedroom, or at least in his or her apartment. Maybe they'll be a random outing for Chinese Food or something like that, but it won't feel like dating. So that's what we see here. And the fact that he's dropped off the planet is probably another indication that he doesn't want more, or that he may be moving on. We're really sorry. We know you've said you've experienced heartbreak before, and we know that's hard. But maybe this is a good opportunity to take a hard look at the guys you're choosing or the situations you're putting yourself in. That's all part of the equation. Harry, you deserve better. You deserve to have someone who loves you like you love them. But part of that comes with your choices, and part of that comes with the other person. Does this make sense? What do you think? We hope this helps a little. Let us know what you're thinking. Take care.

Hey guys!
Ok, so here my question goes. I've been in this "Friends with benefits" relationship, or whatever you wanna call if for about 1 month and half, he went to school with my older sister and i've known him since i was 7, but we never talked or anything, werent friends etc. Until one night when I was working, he came in with some of his friends and immediately I recognised him and we started chatting, banter etc...he gave me his number then left. I text him like four days later, and we start texting everyday from then on. So we arranged to meet, we did and we talked about what we wanted etc and we both said that we didnt want a relationship and that sex would be just fine. I was ok with that. So that night we have sex. We meet up every week usually, go for a drive, chat about random shit, have sex, etc. But in between he'll text me, either when he's working etc, asking me how I am, or how my day is, if im doing anything exciting etc. Then one night he said 'you can stay at mine' so I stayed round, we had sex and we spooned the entire night, like he cuddled right into me. I've just come back from holiday and the week that I went away, we were texting everyday, he was asking how my holiday is etc, if i', having fun bla bla bla, then my cat recently died and he would text me everyday asking if I was ok and if there was anything he could do to make me feel better, he said when we next meet up we can just hang out and not have sex, he said we'll have a cuddle and a chat. Then we couldnt meet up because he hurt himself during some football game, and said he was really sorry and I was like "Ok. Get better" then he asked if I was angry at him, I wasnt angry. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS he worried about me being angry at him?! Also whilst I was on holiday he kept saying "oh bring me back something nice, surprise me". So I bought him a present, text him saying I did and he said 'he was only joking' but then I said 'I would take it back' and he said 'No no no, don't do that'....is he just being nice? Or am I reading into th!
is too m
uch? Like most girls do?!
We text everyday, he text me at 2am and asked if I was still awake, cus he was bored and wanted to chat?! WTF?! Also, this gonna sound rude but when we have sex he pays a lot of attention to me, like how i'm feeling or he'll kiss me a lot etc.
Then all of a sudden, he's stopped texting me. I haven't seen him in two weeks, last time I spoke to him was 4 days ago. WHAT DO I DO? I've been through too much heart-break in my life, too much of it and he knows this, i', honest with him but I don't know what to do. Should I end it before I get my heart broken or should I speak to him.
Does he like me? Is he just being nice to keep it sweet, or is he being friendly?
Harry (HELP!!!! I'M GOING CRAZY!)

@Dianne.....But what is it you want? Do you want to be in a relationship with him again even after your "storied" history together? Why don't you just ask him directly why he's crossing the boundaries? Ask him if he's having second thoughts? And does he want to try again? And question for you: Why do you think it will be different this time around? As per your question: If you don't want to bond in any way you should stop the FWB arrangement and move on. We're not big fans of FWB because of the confusion that it creates. (Watch our video on the topic. Go to video page)
Your thoughts?

@theguys
I'm fwb with my ex. We first were fwb, 5 years ago, then after some time out, seeing other people we hooked up again 18 months later. But about another year later, he wanted more and we were together, met friends,family, kids etc. We split up. And although we tried again a few times it did not work. Recently we started hooking up again, he was direct about not being in right place for a relationship and that's cool with me. But he also wants, daily phonecalls, txts regardless of hooking up. Movies at home or out. Dinner. He now says he doesn't want me just for sex, and we don't have to always when meeting up. I have reminded him I'm not his gf, and that we are just fwb. He then said 'why would you say that?'. For me, I know he's probably just enjoying all the benefits of a gf without the gf. But I wish he could just keep it to business. None of his family or friends know he's seeing me. What's the best way to put this to him without making it sound like I'm asking for more? It's just easier for me to not be bonding in any way, especially given our history..

@the guys, You're absolutely right, this is about self-respect and I'm worth much more than this! I've ended things with him and now I'm on my way to becoming a much more awesome independent person :-)
All I have to do now is remain strong, wish me luck! Thanks!

@Hanna.......Seriously? First of all we're not big fans of FWB for this very reason. (Check out our video on the topic. Go to our video page on our website.) It probably came as a surprise to you that he had this other girl in the fold, and that you weren't his number 1. But this happens a lot actually so don't feel badly. However, why would you want to be with a guy who you really care about, but who doesn't care about you in the same way? You deserve better honestly. This is about self-respect. Don't settle for this kind of relationship. You may think this guy is amazing, but is he really? He basically is having his cake and eating it too. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with? Our suggestion: Move on immediately and try to find someone who will love and respect you just as you love and respect him. Do you have any follow up questions? Keep us posted on how this progresses. And take care of yourself. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.

Hi guys,
I'll get straight to the point lol, I've been friends with benefits with a dude for the past almost 4 years. It's worked so far, but recently he's told me he's dating the girl he's going to marry.
He said he wants us to carry on talking till he's engaged (don't know when yet, but he'll be engaged within a year). Once he's engaged we're going to definitely stop.
However, ever since he's told me I've not been enjoying things as much with him because in the back of my head I always remember that there's another girl in his life that better than me, and i cant enjoy myself knowing I'm not number 1 (sounds dumb lol)
Anyway, half my brain really badly wants to stop right now before I end up hating him, I think its been awesome and I'd rather end on good terms. Plus hanging around waiting for him to get engaged is going to be painful for me and do I want to go through that?
The other half of my brain wants to hang in there till he's engaged (god knows when) and 'make the most of him' in case I never come across a guy like him. Plus I know I'm gna miss him once he's engaged so I feel like hanging around, its gna be difficult either way...
Some help please?! :-/

Yeah I understand that his behavior is a serious issue, I guess I have just waited a long time for answers and never felt like I was over him so when he did start coming back into my life I tried to keep a level head. I was patient for 4 months, not pushy with talking about things and then when we did try to talk about it and he had to leave HE was the one who said he thought we needed to talk further. I asked him to set aside time Monday to talk and I never heard from him. It is taking every ounce of will power not to reach out and tell him what a selfish ass he is but I feel like I just can't give any more of myself to this situation. It's like has long as he's distracted with something at home he can pretend I don't exist. I can't tell if this is a case of him using me or if he's honestly confused and can't handle the decision he has to make.

@Venus........You definitely understand it intellectually, but sometimes putting that knowledge into practice is a lot more difficult, especially if he's pestering you to get back with him. (FWB we mean) So be honest, be strong, and if it comes to that, move forward. Take care and good luck, and yes, please keep us posted. Ask another question anytime.

@ the Guys..
Ok I'm going to do what you said. I think it's pretty safe to say, I think i may already have my answer. Nothing with "FwB" ever turns out to be relationship status, at least not in the theater. Lol. Best thing to do is to be honest with him and myself & move forward. I guess the reason why I've been throwing this around to myself and you is, knowing he will have to be completely out of my life. Which means, the times we randomly bump into one another. Just keep it moving?!. I myself have a hard time with this. I mean don't get me Wrong, the anxiety of it all will be difficult on my end, but I can deal. He however, can be a little obnoxious with it to the point where he's trying to talk to me and get my attention. If you know what I mean. So as you said, it's time to let him know he can't have his cake and eat it too! Thanks so much for your advice. I will certainly keep you posted on the outcome.

@Venus.....How do you stop it? You just stop it. But before you do, we think you need to tell him how you feel. Continuing a FWB arrangement is not going to get you anywhere. In fact we'd cease and desist on that as soon as you can. (You can do it.) But you do need to talk to him. Worst case scenario: He's not into you the way you're into him. Okay, that wouldn't be great, but at least you'd know now and not waste a bunch of time on something that isn't going anywhere. And if you don't say anything you're going to be kicking yourself about it. Last thought: Right now he's getting exactly what he wants—at least it sounds that way. It's possible he might want something more, but not if things keep going the way they're going. Communication. It's all about communication. So get talking, and keep us posted as this progresses. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you'd like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Hey Guys,
So I have an Ex from over 15+ years ago. We were both just some dumb kids in our teens that had no clue what a relationship was about. Lust if you will. Lol. Anyway, I will try and make this short. So we've always seemed to run into eachother some way or another. It always ends up to be exchanging numbers, then meeting up maybe dinner, dancing, night walks on the beach & then possible hook ups here and there. So recently we ran into eachother again, Shocker! Lol. I tried to totally ignore the whole awkward convo & him altogether. Needless to say it ended up to be the exact same thing. Talking blah blah blah. He gave me his number. Which I did put into my phone but later decided to delete it. A few days later he calls. I was shocked he had my number. I must have hit send while entering the night he gave it to me. Anyway he called to see if I wanted to go out. I expressed how it wasn't such a great idea given the fact we have been down this road before etc. I told him I'd think about it. Well stupidly, I thought about it and decided to go out to dinner with him. It turned out to be a much Greater night after all. However, we both still have a very very intense physical attraction. Here's the thing, Its always me that seems to wined up getting emotional involved. Ya know, old feelings resurfacing. I just can't be friends with benefits with him for just That! I feel like now that we are older and have such a great time we could turn it up a notch. I just dont think its mutual thing. Why do we always seem to run into eachother & it turns into this? How do I stop it, do I tell him how I feel in hopes he does too? Or just continue fwb and see where it goes.? Just don't wana be crushed when I find out he's really just not that into me. Or maybe I already have..........

@Sammy.....We're sorry. It's hard to say what's going on, but his flip-flopping behavior is a red-flag and something you need to consider even after you talk. Is this the kind of guy you really want to be with? Someone who isn't going to be consistent? It might seem trivial but it's not.

We kind of ran out of time before we headed down that path because he had to catch a train. After he left this weekend he's been messaging me about his grandfather in the hospital and keeping me updated on his progress. I thought that was a good sign until I asked if I could come see him to finish the conversation and his response was "I dont think thats such a good idea". I told him he really needed to think about why he was leading me on for 4 months if he didnt want me in his life. He wants to talk next week to finish our conversation. What did I miss here? It goes from spending great weekends together, him seemingly concerned that I felt I couldn't have him in my life and wanting to keep me included on personal family matters to him not wanting me in his space and being closed off and non-committal.

@Sammy.....But did you talk specifically about the possibility of trying again? It seems like you keep skirting the issue, and not really saying what's on your mind. Is that true? There's only one way to find out for sure; just say it directly, even the part about relocating etc. (Although the idea of relocating just for this relationship is risky. It would be nice if you had an additional reason to move to where he is. A job perhaps. Or other friends, etc.) At this point we don't see the downside in talking with him openly and honestly. Things aren't going the way you want them to anyway. At least not yet.

Back again. My ex was in town again for his friends birthday. After his first visit he texted me 2 days later asking about my week and we've talked on the phone a few times. I haven't really initiated contact so all last week I didn't talk to him and was a little confused I hadn't heard from him but it turns out he lost his phone. He asks if I tried to text or call and when I told him I didn't he seemed a little upset. Anyway he shows up at my apartment after spending time with his friends. This was all coordinated through texting me from his iPad which honestly seems like a lot of effort to see someone you're not interested in. Then when he gets here he keeps asking me if I'm glad he came and if I really didn't try to call him. He's all touchy feely and cuddly but it's been 4 months of talking and I'm tired of the weird middle ground so I asked if we could talk. I told him that being his friend was too hard and that it's not fair or healthy for us to maintain a casual relationship and he agreed it was hard for him as well. But when I said we needed to stop talking he got all upset and started making up reasons like maybe we went too fast or maybe we should talk more about this because he didn't want to stop talking to me. He seemed genuinely hurt and surprised when I told him I couldn't have him in my life and said that he thought the topic warranted further conversation and we should finish talking later this week. I don't get him. We live in different cities and have too much of a history to get back into the dating game but he doesn't seem to be able to commit one way or another. I'm open to working things out and even eventually moving to his city but im starting to feel like this is going to turn into a never ending loop. Help!!

Guys I think that's the plan. It will obviously take time but after being together for so long I think its worth letting it take its course. Glad I'm not seeing something that's not there though! Thanks :)

@Sammy.......He's definitely giving you mixed messages, at least before he visited. We're reading this as you are. Now that he visited he seems somewhat open to seeing where things go. So why not go with it? Is that your plan?

So I posted earlier in this thread about my ex coming to visit even though he said he didnt want a relationship. He messaged me the night before saying he didn't know if it was a good idea to come because he didn't know if we should see each other. I am not interested in playing that back and forth game so I said 'if you're 100% that you want nothing from me don't come but i can't make up your mind for you'. He ended up visiting saturday evening, we grabbed dinner and he was nothing but sweet. met me outside the restaurant, very complimentary, looked for opportunities to touch me and paid for our meal. when we were about to leave he asked if i wanted to grab another drink and paid for that as well. We texted about meeting up after we both went out with our own friends and he ended up coming over the next morning around 7am. We did make out but nothing out of control and we slept until about 10:45am. He had to go back to his hotel and check out so he left and said he might come back but when he got to his hotel he called me and asked me to come down there and meet him for breakfast and see his room (he was upgraded to a presidential suite). We hung out for another few hours, and then I went with him to the train station, we said our goodbyes and agreed we'd be in touch and see each other again soon. What's going on here? It seems he's more open to seeing what happens between us than he was letting on. Am I reading too into this?

yeah it was harsh. i just need to hear it from a guy's perspective. anyway, we talked about it and told me i should be more sensitive. good thing we're still good, as friends and FWB. well, lesson learned. thanks guys!

@mars.....He'll rebound. But we're assuming he's young, and probably inexperienced. (More inexperienced than he realizes.) So be kind. Try to reassure him that you'd like to try again. (If you actually do, and if he's willing) It sounds like you might have been a bit too blunt. Next time think carefully how you want to word something that's potentially hurtful. Being honest is great, but there are ways to say things without hurting others. You could offer suggestions for him? What he should do next time? What you like, or what you'd like him to do? One note: It often takes couples some time to really connect in the bedroom. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

i have this close friend of mine. we actually got close when we accidentally kissed during a trip with friends. from there on we sort of had this FWB thing. and since i'm still a virgin, we agreed that we'll stick to oral sex. until i decided to go all the way... at the end of the day, i kinda told him that i was disappointed and was expecting more since it was my first time. i know his ego just got trashed and he said it himself. but at least i was honest! right?! or not?! shouldn't he be more motivated/challenged to do better next time? now he's so down and sad. and i think he's mad at me. he won't even talk to me. i really didn't mean to hurt his ego/feelings. what should i do?! will things be the same or not?!

@Sammy.........Are you sure he's not visiting for sex? Because otherwise we don't see the point of him coming. He says he just wants to be friends. You say, you're not interested in just a friendship, so the only reason we can see is that he's thinking, maybe, just maybe, we'll hook up. (Maybe it's been a while for him.) What do you think?

I met a guy in college and we dated for 5 and a half years. We broke up a few times but always got back together and stayed together after college when we moved to the same city for work. We had been having some problems but nothing unworkable in my book and while we were making plans to hang out one night he threw out the "we need to talk" line. We ended up breaking up and he moved out of the city a few months later. We were no contact for almost 7 months until I called him on his birthday and left him a voicemail. I didn't expect to hear back from him but I did almost immediately and we talked for over an hour. We had a few other serious long conversations over the next 2 months talked pretty much every week. We had both said we wanted to see each other in conversation and started texting and flirting again so finally I told him we either needed to stop this back and forth or see each other and talk about everything.
He agreed we should meet but then said he just wanted to see each other as friends and didn't want this to be a step towards getting back together. I told him a few days later I couldnt be just friends and that I didn't see the point in continuing to speak if he was putting limits on where we could take things but he said he still wanted to come visit. Now we've picked a weekend but havent been talking much.
What's the deal? He's supposed to visit next weekend. Is he really over it? Or is he trying to limit expectations?
I'd get back together with him if he was open to it but I'm pretty confused about why he's visiting still if he's so adamant about not working it out.

@Tara.....Now he wants a friendship? That doesn't make sense. So: You've made it clear to him that you want, or wanted, a relationship, right? And he said he wasn't ready, right? But he still contacts you, and tries to keep you in his back pocket during dry spells, right? And now he's trying to make YOU feel guilty for not initiating contact with him? So you need to ask him, for what? Why would you contact him? To let him know you're available to him whenever he pleases? It's time to move on Tara and be open to new possibilities. There are plenty of good guys out there, who will be interested in getting to know you.

Thanks Guys I really appreciate it. It's easier to deal with things when its just put out there for you. I have a follow up question which Im pretty sure I know the answer to but need it to be told to me again. After we broke it off the second time I said I needed space and we didn't contact for a few months. But ever since then he has always contacted me at least once a week, there's never been a period where he hasn't tried to stay present in my life, and after a while he confronted me about the fact that it was always him initiating contact and hanging out, and he seemed to be offended that I wansnt putting much effort into the friendship. Is this just all to keep me on the backburner? and confronting me about not holding up my side of the friendhip just guilting me into staying on the backburner? Thanks for your help I finally feel like i'm not going crazy.

@Tara......We're sorry. We see how this could be confusing, but it's not. (At least to us) The fact is, he doesn't want a relationship with you, but he does want something from you. Sex. Why is it on and off again you might ask? It's possible he's checking out other possibilities and for whatever reason during his "dry spells" he contacts you again. He acts all nice, sweet, etc. but he's really just after one thing. We think you need to try and move on. He's playing you. ps. Check out Charlotte Pescale's, "Rebecca, a memoir" to hear her take on guys like this. Here's the Introduction. The first two chapters are fascinating, and well worth the read. Let us know if you have any follow up questions. Sorry to not be able to give you a more positive reply. Hang in there.

I Started dating this guy about a year ago it was going fine and then we had the talk and he told me he didn't want a relationship. I didn't want to be in anything half-assed so I said fine lets just be friends. After that he kept contacting me and we would hang out but never got physical until one day he mentioned dating again. We started dating again and hooking up and then again a couple months later he said again that he wasn't ready for a relationship because of where he is in his life and we should just be friends. It made sense because our relationship wasn't that great because I wasn't fully convinced he had changed so I emotionially held back and he was holding back as well. So now i've gotten the sense that he isn't into me enough to put an effort into a real relationsip. But it's happening again! He keeps initiating contact with me and asking me to hang out. I make sure I never initiate contact or anything because he rejcected ME. I still feel like he's pursuing me...he's asking me to drinks, to hang out with him and his friends, he asked me to be his plus-one at a wedding. I've refused him when he wants to hook up I don't want to be friends with benefits. Why does he keep putting all this effort into me? Does he just need filler girlfriend? It's difficult because I still have feelings for him so it's like a big tease. Recently I went out of the country for a couple weeks and he sent me e-mails and wanted to make sure I had a ride home from the airport when I got back. His actions are confusing me.

@Katy.....What do you mean? You know he's using you for sex don't you? Like you said, he's only nice to you when he wants you to come over and have sex. So here's what you can do: You can say NO the next time he contacts you. And you can move on and hopefully meet a guy who respects you and loves you the way you deserve. Don't settle just to be with a guy. Take care of yourself and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.

We are classmates in a master program in another country. We had been in a relationship for 2 months but it was an official one. Everyone in school knew we were couple, I met all of his friends. We had a great time, spent time outside, studied together and talked all the time. One night, we hung out for dinner, went to a cocktail lounge, played game and then ended up having sex that night. I lost my virginity for him..My mistake here was I showed all emotional feelings which made him feel guilty of having sex with me. He acted distant the day later. I was so worried and made another huge mistake by being clingy and crazy. Now I know it is a HUGE turn off. We finally broke up. It was hard for me, because I saw him usually, we went to the same school. After that, he suggested FWB, he said that it was obviously my choice. I still love him, and really want to enjoy his company, so I went to it. I realized that he only talked friendly to me when he wanted to meet up and have sex. All the other time, I felt that he was reluctant to talk to me. We usually talked online during hours when we were dating.
Now, he went back his home country for summer vacation. I haven't talked to him for 10 days. I miss him everyday but I'm trying to get over him. However, I know, when I see him in school again, I may say YES if he ask me to come over. How should I do?

@Lynn.........So let's see if we've got this right: you've gone from a committed relationship to a FWB relationship and now you're hoping to move it back to a serious relationship. But things are a bit murky. Here's the thing Lynn. The fact that at one time you were intimate with each other makes a fun weekend of casual sex very possible because you are already familiar with one another and you know what to expect. For a guy who's not sure what he wants this is the absolute perfect situation. But for a girl who has started to feel like trying again it's the absolute worst situation. Because having fun sex with him isn't going to help move things forward. It's actually going to keep things right where they are because he doesn't have to do anything, especially if you're flying to see him. The best way to know if he's really interested is to let him take some initiative. Which you're kind of doing right now. And what's happening? Nothing. Of course when he arrives home we won't be surprised if he contacts you for a fun evening or two, but frankly this is once again just perpetuating the fact that he views you as a comfortable Booty Call. (Sorry, we hate to say that, but we're just trying to look out for your best interests.) Our advice: Let him take the initiative. Stop the sex until he starts stepping up to the plate with his communication. And let him drive this for a while. If he doesn't then you'll have your answer. The final thing we'll say is: You need to think how long you're willing to wait for him. And do you truly want him back if he drags his feet. Good luck. Keep us posted and feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, please let your friends know about us. Thanks. And finally, you might enjoy our "Relationship Memoirs" page. Some good guest writers contributing. Take care.

I was with my ex for 6 years when he decided to go back to college... Out of state. We stayed together long distance for 4 months, then after a horriable visit, I decided to break it off.
We didn't have much contact after the break, just a text here and there to let the other know we were thinking about them.
After 5 months of this, we got back in contact. I revealed to him that I still love him and want him back. He stated that he still cares for me, but now is opposed to the long distance idea. But, if he were to ever move back home, it's not something he wouldn't consider.
After a couple of weeks of contact, I flew up to see him. Since neither one of us has been sexualy active with anyone else since our split, we were making this a fun sex visit. We both had a great time, he even started calling me by the pet name he always called me while we were together. As well as initiated hand holding and things of that nature.
The day I returned home, he informed me that for the next 2 weeks weeks he will be busy studying for finals, and could not afford for any distractions. I did send him a couple of quick e-mails to let him know he was on my mind, and he responded the same day, but with exceptionally short 1 sentence. Which I chalked up to him being busy studying.
I haven't attempted to contact him what-so-ever, in about a week. Today was his last day of class before summer break. He will be back in town for a week or 2 at the begining of next month. (So I hear from a reliable source, he hasn't mentioned this to me) I really would like to spend time with him while he is here. But, now due to the absense of communication, I'm beginning to wonder if I've just been fooling myself
or if he is trying to politely blow me off. He did give me a time frame, but I didn't realize that there would be no contact initiated by him during it. I would like to call him, but I don't want to appear desperate or clingy. How long should I wait before trying to regain communication? Do you even think he's interested?
I feel so confused. Please advise... Thanks!

@Lauren.....So what's worse? Staying in a perpetual "Friends with Benefits" arrangement, or letting him know how you feel only to lose him? It seems clear that you really want something more with him, and eventually you're just going to become resentful if it doesn't head that way. So we say the sooner the better, with no guarantees of course. Let's talk about his behavior. Just because he's territorial doesn't mean he wants more. We're not saying he doesn't, it's just that that is not an indicator. Guys are territorial about any woman they are sleeping with regularly. No need for competition. And the thought of someone else dipping themselves into the same place they're dipping isn't something they want to think about. Have you watched our video on FWB? You see, it's hard to move from a FWB arrangement to something more serious, especially if you went from something serious, to a FWB, and now want to get back to the serious part. It's not impossible, but it's not likely. We think it's best to come clean now. It may not work out, but delaying it isn't going to make a difference. In his heart of hearts he knows what you want even if he plays dumb. So he may act surprised but you won't really be surprising him. (This is one of the reasons we think FWB is a bad idea especially for women.) We hope this helps a little. Keep us posted as the situation progresses. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Good luck. We hope it works out for you.

I was with my ex for 5 years until in January he broke up with me giving many reasons as to why this was happening. we start talking again in February me thinking i was over him gets into another relationship that didnt work out. I then started hanging out with my ex and we ended up sleeping together and now we are considered friends with benefits .we have been friends with benefits for 2 months almost three . at the beginning he said he wasnt wanting a relationship, and there may be a possibility of us getting back together but him and i had things to work on individually first. since then him and i have talked everyday and we hang out once a week sometimes i spend the night at his place. He still seems very protective of me and territorial when i mention someone else talking to me or me going out with friends he starts asking alot of questions. I'm confused as to what is really going on . I'm also confused as to weather or not i should tell him that i never lost my feelings for him and i still love and care about him and would like to turn the friends with benefits into a relationship again . He admitted to me in the beginning of all of this that he still had feelings for me . I'm just scared and worried that if i come out and tell him how i truly feel that i will lose him all together. please let me know what you think

@Louie.....Sounds like he wants more with you. If you only want a FWB arrangement you need to be clear with him. No strings attached. Is there a reason you're not interested in more? Is it the place you are in your life or is it him or is it something else?

This guy asked me out, but in the end i just wanted to be fwb with nsa. We would get physical but nvr emotional. Then he starts dating but we continue being fwb. Then he starts forming strings by making meet his family and go on family occasions(his own gf hasnt met his family), cook for me, pick me up,take me out on dates,buying me stuff, sleeping over just to keep me company, and all this sweet things. But i wanted NSA. Is he still FWB or something more.

@Anne.........You need to talk about it. If you're having sex already, then the topic of what the relationship is, is up for discussion. If this drives him away then you'll know that it was always just a FWB arrangement to him. You should watch our video on the topic. Check out our video page.

There's this guy I still can't get over. I lost my virginity to him. At first he asked me out, but his ex was in the way so I told him i wanted NSA and just be FWB. We were FWB even when he started dating his ex. We continued it until i felt emotional strings forming. Like him taking me out to eat and shop, meet his family and go to family occasions, and one night sleeping over he watched and kissed me on the back of my head while i was sleeping.I ended it. He later broke up with his gf. Months past, then we rekindled our lust. We would go out on dates, he would pick me up, and cook for me. He was showing me that he cared by coming over my place when I was lonely and then he sleptover for a week just hanging out with me. I dont know if he wants something real or it was all FWB??