Indian Idle

“Hello everyone! I am Nitin Haddkari and you are watching a very special episode of Celebrity Indian Idle! Please welcome our judges for tonight’s show. Our first judge is our very own number 2, Mr. Raul Gandhi…..”

“What does Raul know about dance?” Mrs. Shukla who was sitting in the crowd whispered to her neighbour.

“What else is there to do now? Besides, his hairy legs are turning me on,” Mrs. Taneja replied.

“Ummm. Me too.”

“….Our second judge for tonight is Asaram Beg-u, who has taken out time from his busy schedule to be on this show. We had to beg for his presence because that is what he likes to see people do……”

“Christ!” Mrs. Shukla gasped.

“……….Our third judge is my driver Mansukhiya. Mansukhiya has been a loyal servant of our family from the last 20 years and is the CEO of one of my companies. So let’s have a round of applause for our judges and let’s begin the show!!”

The judges take their seats. Raul and Asaram Beg-u have quite a tussle for the centre seat but then Raul points at Rob-us Wadra sitting in the audience. Beg-u mumbles somethings like ‘bloody national calamity’ and sits on one of the side seats. Mansukhiya sits on the floor before Haddkari comes and yanks his arm and say something like ‘Are you Chu*iya?’ and pushes him on one of the seat.

“Our first contestant is the very gorgeous Sonak-chi Sinha! She has done some amazing award-winning work last year in movies like Rowdy Rathore, Joker, Dabangg 2 and Son of Sardar! Please welcome!” Haddkari announces.

All 130 kg of Sonak-chi Sinha enters the stage in a bright red sari. The song Po-Po-Po-Po-Po fills the auditorium and Sonak-chi gargles to the tune. The audience cheer her loudly. Shatru-gun Sinha is in tears to see his baby girl do him proud.

“That was a perfect performance! Judges what do you have to say to this?” Haddkari asks the judges as Sonak-chi stands next to him chewing her finger.

“I loved it! Sonak-chi, your performance reminded me of our scams. The gargle step is so much like the way we have gargled the citizens of the nation and spit them out. Outstanding!” Raul beamed.

“It was a beautiful performance. Sonak-chi, will you come to my camp and dance with me?” Asaram ji asked shyly.

“Sorry ladies and gentlemen! Mansukhiya will be replaced by Kanta Ben who is my maid and the Chairman of one of my companies,” Haddkari announces. Kanta Ben comes and sits next to Raul. She smells of phenyl which makes Raul dizzy. He looks at Asaram Beg-u and is alarmed by a cockroach stumbling out of his beard.

“Our next contestant is our very own silencer MaunMohan Singh!” Haddkari announces.

MaunMohan Singh enters the stage and waves at the audience. He then proceeds to stand in the exact middle of the stage and stares at the audience for two minutes. He then looks at Haddkari and says – done. Raul is in tears by now.

“What a wonderfully poignant performance! Judges what do you have to say?”

“This was by far your best performance MaunMohan Ji. I am short of words,” Raul says wiping off his tears using Kanta Ben’s pallu. He almost faints in the process.

“You remind me so much of all those silent movies I have watched as a child. You have revived my old memories,” Asaram says wiping a sole tear with his beard.

“Aigo! Mast performance! After all, you have been practicing from the last 9 years.” Kanta Ben says.

“It seems MaunMohan ji have won the heart of our judges! Our next performance is a belly dance by the one and only Baba Rum-de! Please welcome!”

Baba Rum-de enters the stage and performs a unique belly dance called Kapalbhati where he flips alternate coins on his belly. He then makes the coins jump in air as the dance becomes fierce and his belly quivers alarmingly. One of the coin lands in Asaram’s beard and kills the cockroach residing there.

“Mast! Mast! What a stomach! Jusht like the utensils after I clean them”

“Thank you Rum-de ji. It was an honour watching you dance. Our next participant is the sexy, the seductive, the pole-bearer Sunny le-nahi. Please welcome!”

A pole is fitted in the center of the stage and Sunny enters wrapped in a plastic sheet. The pole dance starts amidst wide eyes and rising trousers. Haddkari crosses his legs like Sharon Stone. Mrs. Shukla sighs and faints. Beg-u hides his face with his beard. Kanta Ben whispers deva-re-deva and covers Raul’s eyes with her pallu. He thrashes desperately for fresh air but chokes and faints. During the dance, the plastic sheet covering Sunny gets entangled in a nail on the pole and comes free. Kanta Ben faints too. Sunny keeps dancing. Haddkari is on all five begging for mercy. Rob-us Wadra whistles and fires shots in air from his expensive gun. The audience thrust their children under the seats. Bachelors are busy making video of the once-in-a-lifetime event. Married men stare at the ground as their wives study them intensely. Suddenly the programme goes off air.

There is an uproar on Twitter and internet about the way the programme turned vulgar in the end. A committee is organised. It is found that PoleMeBaby, the company that provided the pole used in Sunny’s performance is at fault as all this happened because of the nail. The licence of the company is cancelled.

And, of course, Sunny le-nahi wins the first prize of Celebrity Indian Idle.

Amit Sharma is the Author of fiction novel False Ceilings published by Lifi Publications in January 2016.
Amit always keeps a book and a portable reading light in his bag (much to the amusement of his fellow travellers). His other hobbies include watching world cinema, travelling, staring at hills, digging into various cuisines, cooking, listening to music, painting, blogging, making his daughter laugh and helping his wife with her unnecessary and prolonged shopping.
He is currently working on his Second novel which is a thriller.

Jai ho Amit 😀 laughing riot it was
sunny le nahi
rob us wadhra
rum de and sonakchiiiiiii
she became the most irritable new comer to me. Actually few numbers are super hits in telugu ,,,,,,like in ready and also few other songs . Its good to watch it here due to the mix of nativity and aura.. Bollywood mocks them but still tries to fit in everyone in such music which always is like a ill- fit 😀
wer do u get these names… and that raul is on Nach baliye right ?
I rememberd tat show wen i read this. wen i saw the lonnnnnnnnng introductory episode trailer with saniya mirza and judges crying i immediatly changed the channel !

I just realised one thing while reading this.. we have waaayyyyyy too many politica figures who are dumbasses.. I mean, I actually felt sorry for Sunny behen ji for taking part in a series which featured some of these guys !!!

It has been a while since I watched Indian Idol or any “reality” show for that matter. what is supposed to be entertainment gets me angry at times.
Total laugh this one was Amit! “The gargle step is so much like the way we have gargled the citizens of the nation and spit them out.” – LOL –

The names of the contestants and other people in the post are sheer brilliance. 🙂

LOL @ all 130 kg of Sonak-chi. That said, I do love the fact that she continues to act and give dhin-chak moves in spite of her plus-size figure. Kind of helps break the stereotype that actresses are supposed to be stick thin!

Thanks TGND. 🙂
I agree. Sonak-chi dances well and have a great screen presence but look at the movies she is doing! Totally unacceptable.
And Karan Johar definitely knows what kind of moves sell but I am sure he has no idea what dance is. 🙂

that was a fun read :D. i don’t know much about politics (of course, i know who rahul and manmohan are) so was searching on google (with the spelling which you provided) and all weird results popped up. however, for sunny le-nahi, even before i could type s-u-, google returned over 500 results. perhaps she is the most searched individual on google.IN. will go through those pages later.

Thanks Debs. 🙂
I think Google will give you 500 results even if you think about Sunny. She is that famous right now. It will be easy to find Haddkari (Gadkari) also. He is all over the news for opening companies in the name of his driver and gardener. 🙂

That was the best laugh of the year 2103 for me! 😀 You have satirised the participants to perfection. It is hard to pick a favourite but MaunMohan is a stroke of genius and so is the male version of cross-legged Sharon Stone!