A Woody With a Hoody Feels Very Goody

Unless you studied a year abroad in Greece or are married to an old country Italian stallion, chances are you haven’t had the pleasure of a woody with a hoody. Other than a random meet and greet or a quick flip through a Robert Mapplethorpe book, most women in the 20-40 range tend to dine at the coiffed penis bar that has been the norm in our country for last 20 years.

But just because your spousal unit’s foreskin was donated to the hospital along with his mother’s placenta doesn’t mean you’ll never have to worry about dealing with a foreskin; there’s at least a 50% chance (according to stats from 2003) that your daughter will encounter one at some point in her sexual livelihood.

Although the risk of increased UTIs and the spread of HIV/AIDs is a concern for unattended foreskins, in most civilized nations, circumcision outside of religious ceremonies is often done for aesthetic reasons; apparently circumcised penises are way prettier than uncircumcised penises. And while I have yet to meet a man whose ugly penis was the reason why he wasn’t getting laid, I’ve heard the stories of women entering hooded penis shock coupled with tales of locker room mockery sending men running to a surgeon which seem to be enough to scare moms and dads into circumcision before they even get a chance to see their son’s fairly tame and dare I say rather cute penis.

But if you can tear yourself away from the barely stomach-able circumcision videos and do a bit more research, you’ll find a way better reason for keeping your son intact – sex.

It’s no secret that the penis head is a highly sensitive area of a man’s penis, but add a foreskin and you’ve got synapse central, even when you add a condom into the mix. And while that might not be the first reason you use to explain why your son’s penis looks primed for the cold Minnesota winters, as a woman who has heard every excuse in the book as to why condoms suck, it’s nice to know that at least for 50% of boys who will soon be men it’s all just a load of bullshit.

Now don’t think it’s just the men that get off from the extra skin. The long ostracized foreskin when still attached to a penis can provide a woman with an extra special sexual experience as well. Whereas some women find the smooth head of the penis quite satisfying, others have mentioned that the direct friction, particularly with low fluids, can be uncomfortable. But add a bit of extra skin and the folds of the vagina embrace it creating a more rhythmic and pleasurable experience without the assistance of lubrication.

And if that’s not enough, the presence of a foreskin makes the dreaded carpal tunnel causing hand job a cinch. The penis becomes practically self-lubricating which eliminates the need for lube or the dreaded hand spit, and it also makes the actual motion a bit more like working high tech machinery and less like a turn of the century hand pump.

If only I had known this as a young college student; I avoided the dreaded four-hour jack off sessions by giving blow jobs. Clearly the title of “Masturbation Princess” lends itself to less embarrassing bragging rights than “Blow Job Queen”. Plus, who has time to waste on a hand-job anymore? I’ve got about the attention span of a good beer commercial these days.

So before you start placing ads for men with uncircumcised penises on Craigslist, there are other options, say this artificial foreskin.

But if you’re like me, I’ll keep my circumcised husband for now and just use this argument as yet another thing to hate my mother-in-law for.

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