The Advice General

I like to help people and I have been told that I have a particular insight into the human condition. I want to be able to help you.

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Rob, The Advice General will answer all questions posed to him or try to provide information concerning the answers you seek. Rob has answered questions about dating, relationships, dealing with cheaters, teen advice concerning dating, friends and other happenings that can cause confusion and grief, breaking up and relationship reconciliation, living together and your married life.

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20 thoughts on “The Advice General”

I think we all go through this stage… not that saying that makes being nervous around girls any better or easier..
But here’s what I suggest: The next time you approach her say something to break the ice like “I like your shoes”.
That will take away the feeling you have of being nervous because now she has to continue the conversation. And just go from there, OK buddy?
Good luck!

ROB can you help my nephew . please he don’t understand why is real father don’t love him or take him anyplace like he does his younger brother . there mother divorced him and is remarried to a great man how treats the boys both as his own . how can we help timmy

There has to be more to this story, but father’s sometimes do choose to favor sons. This is the father’s choice, albeit a bad one. You need to talk to the father about the favoritism, and the mother, there has to be more going on.

Rob,
I am kind of in a confused state right now. I’m 16, and i met this girl. We started talking everyday through texting and calling eachother, we went to the movies and mall togethor. I thought everything was going great. Until today, we were suppose to go to her house today to hang out. She texted me saying she would rather just be friends, even though i have not asked her out yet. I am taking this a bad way you can say. I have no idea what i did wrong, and what made her to decide this, like i said i thought things were going great. I just can’t get the topic off my head, i keep thinking about it. I really liked her and thought to far ahead into the future i guess. Do you have any idea on what possibly could have gone wrong, and maybe some tips on how to stop thinking about her? I am currently unable to fall asleep easily with all these thoughts.

I think that taking your time kind of tired her out waiting for you to make a move.
It’s hard being your age and wondering what to do when with girls. Ask your parents (your dad) or maybe an uncle/aunt you like.
It’s not you, it’s the way things are, you’ll grow into a fine young man when you have these doubts and can overcome.
Don’t rush into anything.

I am 14, and am having tons of problems with my social life. I used to have a lot of confidence in myself a few years ago, but after my dad died I went into a depression. This is normal, especially since he died a few days before my birth day. It was hard, but now I am out of my depression, and have been for about a two years or so. The problem is, that I haven’t been able to regain my confidence. All I do at school is sit quietly in class and listen, or talk to my cousin or one of my friends. That’s about everyone I talk to, and when I am outside of the classroom, all I am able to do is go very little places, which means I don’t get out much. I really want to regain my confidence, but making the wrong move can ruin it and making it even worse. High School is a big part of anyone’s life, and I don’t want to be remembered by the person who just sat there quietly. So, when school started, I joined a school club so I could get out much more and do things with others, so I could come out of my shell. So, I hope you can give me some advice and put me on the right track to opening up my shell so that I can talk to people and get out more.

You’re doing quite well. Get involved and your confidence will naturally return. Hoping for these changes only leads to frustration, which is one thing I am sure you are dealing with.
You sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, keep it up!
I would suggest that you also talk this through with a school counselor, they may have additional help for you, as they will be able to match you up with additional activities to help you become the great person you should be.
Have a great life!
Contact me any time,
Rob

alright im 17 in high school and ive been talking to this girl for two years,we never have dated but we have always have had this vibe with each other. we both have alot in common and both talk to each other regularly bc shes is in half of my classes. the thing is that she is very attractive and im kinda of the tall big kid that plays football, so i feel a little intemanated by her.however i can say that me and her our good friends,we can always talk to each other and cheer each other up. the issue is that i like her alot more than i think she likes me. i dont know what i should do also bc i fear rejection from her in a way but also fear loseing her respect as a friend. it feels like everyday we get closer and our bound to be with each other at least once. can someone please give some advice before it’s too late for me.

You do seem quite insightful so perhaps you can lend me a few minutes of your time to help me figure out this issue. I’ve been in a relationship for 2.5 years, we met in college. I was 20 and he was 19. He was the nice guy that every girl ignores. I would have done the same but I was in a really bad place in my life so I decided to take a break from the a-holes. Anyhow, things seemed great but he had an issue with my weight right from the start. So he didn’t want to commit. I said o.k and we tried to go our separate ways. Couldn’t get over how much we fit together like two missing puzzle pieces. He decided that the weight issue wasn’t that big of an issue when he really thought about it. So life happened things got crazy 7 months in the relationship we had a surprise pregnancy. Now that my son is 10 months old and its been 2.5 years my boyfriend decided that he doesn’t love me anymore. That he lied to himself for a year and to me. He claims he isn’t in love with me and has no love for me at all. Dumped me so that he could “live” his life and sleep with a “bunch of random girls and possibly settle down when hes 30-35”. He says that he doesn’t want to wake up at age 60 with regrets so hes going to live his life with minimal regrets. This came as a total suprise. We rarely ever argue. We’re bestfriends. I thought things were great. I knew he was stressed b/c of school and fears or not finding a job when he graduates, his mom being sick, yadda yadda. I just never imagined that he wanted to break up to get with other girls. He moved back in after 3 days of living as a bachelor. We’re still living together b/c of money and the baby. He still claims to not love me but his whole idea of what being in love is sounds so messed up. He thinks b/c he doesn’t find me attractive anymore then he must not love me, but he does find me attractive so it doesn’t make sense in his head. He says that there is nothing left there and that is why it had to end. Is this something he will get over? Do I just step aside and let the man I love go out and sleep with a bunch of random girls for 10 years? he says that when hes 30 he’d like to get back with me and hates that we met too early. After all, I was his first girlfriend and first everything. So he says that he wants to experience other women and thats what this is basically about. He also claims that if I were to lose a bunch of weight he thinks it might stop him from having wandering eyes. He promised this “contract” for a year. The deal is, If I don’t “move” on with another guy then he won’t move on either. If I even talk to another guy he will “match it” and talk to some girl any girl. So its almost as if we’re still in a relationship. Except the official title. We did have sex twice. So does this constitute as friends with benefits? How do I make sense of this whole thing and take him seriously when it doesn’t even make sense to him.

He sounds like a total ass to me.
He wants to “experience other women” then, maybe, get back with you?
What a complete ass. Throw him out into the life he thinks he deserves because he certainly doesn’t deserve you.
Your weight is not an issue, it’s how he sees himself that is screwed up.
You have a child and you have a guy that wants what he cannot possibly have.
And forget this “contract” he’s playing evil mind games on you.
Live your life, withoyut him and his vague promises of “maybe getting back together” when he’s older.
I’d like to be a fly on the wall in ten years when he explains to his child how he has behaved.
End this relationship now. If you want to, lose the weight but do it for yourself, not him, not any other person.
And find a real man that will love you, not hold you up to ransom.
Best wishes,
Rob

i was online looking for relationship help and found your site and thought it was pretty good advice.
Here’s my question. I’m 16 and there is this girl(also 16) who i have known for awhile but haven’t ever really talked to until recently. At first i just liked her as a new friend she is relly good looking and she’s always fun to be around unfortunately she liked another guy who was one of my friends. After a while she found out the guy didn’t like her back and she was constantly upset or frustrated over him. During that time we talked alot about her and the guy she liked. We have become really good friends during this time but i really like her now and would like to take the next step but i don’t know how to get out of the “friend zone” and i REALLY don’t want to wreck the good friendship we have now so what should i do?
We have alot of similar intrests (like we both play soccer) which makes it easy to find things to talk about and we always have a fun time when we see eachother like at eachothers soccer games.

Dear Rob,
You seem unusually insightful and clear-headed compared to other advice columnists out there, so I’m going to go out on a limb and see if you can help me out.

I’ve been dating the same guy for 3.5 years. We met in college our freshmen year, became great friends, but didn’t start dating until mid-way through our sophomore year. We always say how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with your best friend, and how easy it makes things. We graduated in 2009 and have spent the past year living abroad, returning only recently to start the job hunt.

There are several, very intertwining, issues that are bothering me and I just want an unbiased opinion on whether these are things I should truly be worried about, or if I’m just being paranoid! Let me start out by telling you a little about each of us.

I grew up in an affluent and rather old family of the city in which I live. In the home I grew up in, things like dressing very neatly and appropriately, exhibiting proper etiquette and working hard were always emphasized. I went to private schools my entire life and despite several diagnosed learning disabilities, have still managed to achieve some manner of academic success. Although I was never top of my class, I was always well commended for working hard and not giving up at anything I undertook.

He grew up in a small city, the child of divorced parents. His father left his mother for another woman when he was 3 years old and his mother never remarried. His mother has held steady, although lower salaried jobs, his entire life. Because of this, things like table manners, how to properly conduct himself in public, etc. were never taught or emphasized when he was younger. Today, he still lacks these skills to an abhorrant level. (He claims that these things just weren’t emphasized in his home as being important in life and doesn’t see the need in learning – a complete 180 from my family’s beliefs). I think also as a byproduct of the intense codependency of his and his mother’s relationship, he is turning into what I would call a “mama’s boy”. He is currently living at home, with no plans of leaving or finding his own place. Additionally, his work ethic is not up to par with what I would expect. He has done well, we both graduated from the same university with roughly the same GPA, but he has never pushed himself to do better or become involved in anything or do more than the bare minimum required of him. For example, while abroad I became the faculty advisor to a certain organization. After a long talk about how I was worried that he never became involved in anything, he would begin coming to meetings, but sit in the back and play games on his laptop. Additionally, now that we are back in the States I am talking about moving to his hometown while he continues to live with his mother.

The possibility of us becoming engaged in the near future is leaving me flustered (particularly with talk of a hand-me-down ring!).I see my friends with boyfriends who take them on romantic weekend getaways and make special overture of affection towards them and am starting to have second doubts about our relationship. Everything he does for me that is outside of his usual routine is only because I asked for it. My parents while admitting he has his “good qualities” would certainly not be too agrieved if I ended it. He truly is the best friend I have ever had, but I’m begining to wonder if I should have just kept him in the “friend” category to begin with.

Are these things I should be truly concerned with, or am I simply trying to hold him to unrealistic standards?

He won’t change and you won’t be able to change him. I guess your decision is: do you like in the main house or in the barn?
Can you continue to love a man that has no ambition, not even your own happiness.

I suggest several “deep” talks about your future together and if you can’t get what you want (no compromising!) then there are better places for you to be.

Dear Rob,
I am an 18 year old girl and i been dating my boyfriend for 4 years.
He is very controlling. he likes to tell me what to wear, who to talk to, and where to go. If i make him mad in any kind of way he backs me up to a wall and chokes me. we are about to move in together and i want to know if i am in any kind of real danger? Please help me

I have read some of the advice you have given and it sounds like you are really good at it. I am in desperate need of advice right now and I’m so glad I found this website. A couple of months ago I met this guy and spent a beautiful weekend with him away from home. When I got back home he didnt call me. He actually asked me to call him when I left and I did but he never answered. I thought he was interested but more days went by and he never tried to contact me unless i made the first move. I had a talk with him and he pretty much told me he wasnt looking for the same things I was looking for so I stoped talking to him. A couple of weeks ago I sent him a message and he actually told me he had been thinking aboout me and that he wanted us to move in together and have a baby. I accepted and he seemed really excited about it and happy. These last few days he hasnt communicated much with me. He never calls me, and doesnt text me unless I text him first. I don’t know why he ignores my text messages at times and never calls me. I dont call him either because I don’t want to bug him but if I’m going to start a family with this man i think there needs to be more communication and I don’t think he gets that. What do u think is going on with this guy and why is he behaving this way?

I stumbled upon your site and have found your advice/entries very insightful. Soo…after a string of bad dates and less than helpful responses from my friends, I decided “What the hell…I’ll ask”.

I just moved from a very small town, to a very big city. My life has changed completely since I have made the move, and to be honest, all for the better. I am happier, healthier, and being in my mid-20’s and single-this a good thing. Thus, I decided to branch out onto the dating scene. I joined 2 popular online dating sites, expecting the best…and it has been less than the best. I am very forward about being open to a relationship but I am not looking for it. If it happens, it happens. With the mentality in mind, I have been on numerous dates and they have all lead to the same thing- a quick lunch/dinner or drink and then some form of a sexual encounter. I may be running in circles but bare with me. I am not opposed to casual encounters, but at the same time, I feel as if though I am doing something wrong that every date has lead to a sexual encounter. Finally, I stopped it-and the minute I set my boundaries-they dropped like flies.
So to review my scenario: I go out on a date or two-it becomes sexual and thats that. I change my mind and approach (because I am getting tired of the same old, same old) and the guy TRIES to get what he wants-and they are out like yesterday’s garbage. I think I may be doing something wrong. Futhermore, the reason I am asking about this is because I went on a date with a guy that was really not my type at all. We spent time together, enjoying one another etc etc. Of course, we flirted, but he respected my boundaries. After the encounters where I felt comfortable, we initiated sex. And now- he has completely dropped from sight. No response-no nothing. Why I ask-is because for the first time I felt good about someone on level that was not sexual-and look where it gets me. Not every man I meet will be that way, I know. It is probably the time in my life to be experiencing the bad with the good-but I just need to understand why. If there is something that I need to assert about myself, I want to know. If I am doing it all right, then I want to know. I’m in sales- I get that everyone needs to sell somebody to get what they may want or need from them-but beyond the initial sell-its just you and that person. I guess understanding the inbetweens of things may help.

Hi,
it sounds to me that he’s playing you. When you say you “spent a beautiful weekend together” it means sex, right? And now he wants more… he’s setting you up to be a FWB.
if you want him then no more sex… and see what happens!

Hi, yes, you need to assert yourself more. Start with rewriting your profile to include your long range relationship goals, and maybe try a dating service that has a “Romance” section and not just general dating ads. http://www.lavalife.com comes to mind.
Set your boundaries and be firm. Stop being a pin cushion!