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Shape the face, shape the beard!

Mateys, lots of important dates comin’ up in this here pirate life. We got no-shave November followed hot on its heels by the holidays. Buccaneers, swashbucklers, rum-drinkers, that means first we’ll let our beards grow and then we have to look good for the family get-together otherwise the womenfolk will bring out the rolling pins.

That means we gotta shape our best asset, our symbol of manliness, our beards. But how best to do that is always the question. Before we can approach this mountainous problem, we need to know how our faces are shaped. And for that, we need to get scientific. Don’t worry, lads, not too scientific. Ye can still drink while doing this little experiment. Our little exercise consists of measuring our mugs. ‘Cause only then will we know the shape of our visage.

Use a soft measuring tape, lads. Ye will also need some parchment to write it all down. Ye know, it’s easy to forget things when ye had a few too many and ye’ll need to compare those measurements when yer done. In yer cabin, get in front of yer looking glass (and make sure ye don’t see double) and grab yer measuring tape.

First, measure the widest part of yer forehead. That’s the part right in the middle between yer (hopefully not receding) hairline and yer wagging eyebrows. Write it down. Then do the same measuring the distance between the widest part of yer cheekbones. After that, move on to measure the distance from the end of your jaw to the tip of your chin on one side and then multiply it by two – that’ll give ye your entire jawline length. (Now, matey, if yer mug be very misshapen, ye might have to measure both sides and then add it up.) Lastly, measure the length of yer mug from yer hairline (if it’s receding, measure from where yer hairline would be without the recession) to the tip of yer chin.

Now look at all those numbers. (Don’t worry, swashbuckler, the Cap’n doesn’t like numbers either.) Which measurements are longest? That’s how ye determine the shape of yer mug.

If yer face is as long as it’s round, ye got a round or square face. If yer mug is longer than it’s wide, ye got an oblong or oval mug. If it narrows gradually from yer forehead to yer chin, then it’s heart-shaped. If it’s the opposite and it gets wider the other way around, then it’s triangular.