Ramblings...

fed up of making new threads of my stupid ramblings so just going to put it all in one thread from now on :unsure:

i have no energy to do anything at the moment, i don't even have the energy to talk on msn anymore. i feel really bad, i've been neglecting friends because my illness has worn me out and now i'm on new meds that make me drowsy and stupid. i can see them slipping away and i hate to say this but at the moment i can't be bothered with anything or anyone. i moan that i don't have any friends, that i don't have anyone to talk to when i need them but thats all my fault.

i'm sorry to all my friends who i've neglected recently, i know i have no excuse so...sorry. i probably won't be myself on msn until i'm off these tablets.

i feel like a brat. i'm so spoilt. i'm jealous over my little brother...i love him don't get me wrong but i don't understand why suddenly everythings so different with him. my parents seem to be pretty smart when it comes to my brother and sister but not me. my mum protected my sister by sending her to live with her dad, my mums protecting my brother by getting the officials to look out for him but why is it different with them and not me? as far as i can see the only thing she did for me was give up on me and blame me when social services were finally involved.

am i wrong for feeling like this? i know i'm acting like a brat, especially as my brothers only a week old but no one seems to want to answer my question.

my mums disapeared, not sure where but she was discharged the other day but didn't tell anyone. dad doesn't know where she is, have a feeling she's probably having a huge binge...hope she doesn't come back anytime soon if thats how she's gonna act. only told one person about it until now coz whenever i mention my mum to anyone they just...kinda give up on the topic i guess. either slag her off or just dismiss it which kinda hurts a bit. slag her off if you want but not to me, i know she sucks but she's my mum and i understand you don't wanna talk about my mum coz you don't like her but i need more insight into why she's like that. i know you don't know why she's like that but you have suggestions which is all i have right now, i'm not getting any answers from anyone, suggestions is all i have.

Hey please stop being so hard on yourself!!! You're exhausted sweetie. So much has been happening both physically and emotionally lately. You need to worry just about you for a bit. And as for your friends on MSN, they'll be there for you when you're ready to go back, just like all your friends here. Take a break Jkid. Spend the next couple of days doing just for you. Regroup and re-energize. Let the rest of the world worry about itself. I wish I could help you out with your mom. But I dont know her so I"m not going to guess. From what I do know, I think though that she is overwhelmed with a lot of things in her life too. And maybe not too happy with herself about some of the decisions she's had to make regarding herself and you children. Being a mom, I know myself I love my children the most of anything. So it is so difficult to make major decisions about them, by myself and then have to live with the outcomes. I know I "shut down" a lot too. But I keep telling myself I'm only human! Just like your mom. Dont know what to say hun. But being a mom, I will say that I am so proud of you for sticking it out for your mom and not jumping ship when the times get tough. You are one spectacular kid!!!! Now, quit reading this and get started on that you time!!!

Beak, sweetie, you don't have to worry about your friends on MSN and all that. I'm sure they understand. You've got so much going on, new medication, all that stuff.. No wonder you're exhausted and that you don't have the energy to talk to anyone.

About your mum, well you know how I feel. I don't know anything about your mother so I've got no answers, nor will I make suggestions, but you are always free to talk to me about it.
You know how to reach me if you want to talk :hug:

i know i sound stupid but how do i do that? i get so bored, i've nearly read all my books, played all my games, my school work sucks, can't seem to draw anything at the moment...can't really think what else to do.

:hug: beak. I know you are sick of resting but you have to make sure all infections etc. are gone before you go out and get back into shape.I know it's got tobe hard being isolated from what you knew. Spending almost a year in the hospital can not be fun. I hope you get out soon love. you know where to find me

>.< i feel stressed and exhausted, even though i don't have anything to stress about.

i was officially discharged from hospital on Tuesday (yay) and have been in remission since 26th April, i should be happy but i'm not. Of course i'm happy to be better again but now i'm out of hospital i'm falling behind on my weight gain, i managed to put back on a fair amount of weight near the end of my stay there but now i find i'm exercising more and eating less, which is what i did before getting ill. I'm not trying to make myself thin or anything like that, its just that i've always been a healthy weight and a healthy balanace of fat vs muscle, i've always exercised a silly amount and eaten enough to keep my body healthy so i'd stay the same weight etc.

I guess what i'm saying is i used to have complete control over my weight, complete control and now the controls gone. I have hundreds of chemicals put into my body everyday and there's no way i can gain control of my weight until i'm off all the after care treatment which will take another 2 years.

And probably the reason why i'm making tis pointless rant is because i'm on tablets that give me mood swings >.< so i'd like to apologise to anyone i've been crappy with recently and if i'm crappy with anyone else. I thought i was just pissed with everything but i'm not, the doctor said it'll be coz of the tablets :\ so sorry.

On a positive note: Theo's doing good, had a visit from a nurse and a social worker, the social workers just looking out for the negatives, there was only one negative, that Theo is quite underweight but she said it was normal for a baby Theo's size. You could tell the social worker was thinking of other reasons to why he was underweight though. He just doesn't eat a lot :\ i normally do most the daytime feeds, it seems to take forever to feed him though, he's really slow at drinking it and he rarely finishes the bottle. He's most hungry at night when dad feeds him. But yer, Theo's doing good.