A new CDC survey of Americans and their people-fucking preferences contains at least two valuable pieces of information. First, that kids these days are getting laid less; "the proportion of 15- to 24-year-olds who have had some kind of sex dropped in the past decade from 78 percent to about 72 percent." And second, that ladies love ladies; "Twice as many women reported any same-sex contact in their lifetimes compared with men (13% of women and 5.2% of men)."

When you factor in science's earlier finding that men love lesbians, what exactly is the CDC "trying to say" here? Are they insinuating that if women must love other women so much, that they be required to include a guy in that love as well, for the good of America's sexual virility? Well, it sounds unorthodox. But you can't argue with science. Shh. I said you can't argue with it.