Nicola Peffers

Interview with: Nicola Peffers

Author of the memoirThe Black Deck: a woman on board

We interviewed retired Ordinary Seaman Nicola Peffers who wrote a memoir about her deployment at sea in 2009. The book should be officially released this fall 2016.

SummaryThe Black Deck is a straightforward and well researched memoir about a young female Marine Electrician's experience during her six month deployment on board a Canadian Armed Forces Warship in 2009.Nicola’s detailed narratives describe the hostile working environment she was exposed to 24/7 as a freshly graduated recruit thrown-in with a male dominated crew. She shares her personal struggles as a young and inexperienced sailor trying to find a way to ‘’fit in’’ and to obey to contradicting orders and uncomfortable requests made by her superiors. She discloses the hardship she faced as a junior sailor while trying to address the situation on board and after she made an official complaint to the authorities.A painful memoir filled with disillusions, struggles and determination, The Black Deck exposes the flaws that led many young women to abandon their dreams to serve in the Canadian Armed Forces and the strength needed to stand for your belief.

InterviewQ 1: Why are you writing a memoir?A: I wanted to initially use the writing experience as therapy for myself, to make sense of all the events that occurred in just one 6 month deployment. Before I knew it I had a 200-some page document. I showed it to some friends and they all encouraged me to publish it.

Q 2: When did you first consider writing The Black Deck?A: January 2013. When I first sat down to begin writing it! Before I started it I already knew what I was going to call it. (The Black Deck) I had just started my vocational rehabilitation at college so I felt like a new chapter in my life was starting. Maybe that gave me some distance from the experiences so that I could process and then write them all down.

Q 3: What is the meaning behind the title?A. The Black Deck is the name of an engineering space on every Canadian Patrol Frigate In the most remote most dirtiest part of the ship. It's the compartment just next to the exhaust stacks. Officially it has a proper compartment name but the slang in the engineering world on a CPF is to just call it the black deck. It's so dirty it's just painted black.

Q 4: How is your book being received by the Canadian Armed Forces? What has been the reaction?A: They are circling the wagons! I needed it to be checked over by the military before publication so that I wasn't divulging any official secrets. So I sent NDHQ a copy of the manuscript. Immediately they stopped replying to my emails and wouldn't pick up the phone when I called the person who was supposed to be my contact. I had to go to my member of parliament and their office called on my behalf. Within a few days I got an email from a Colonel telling me I could publish. So I had to push for that.

Q 5: What is writing your memoir teaching you? How were you changed by writing The Black Deck?A: It taught me to always use a copy editor! You will seriously, as a serious writer, never catch all your own typos. I've learned a great deal about the writing process and it has taught me that writing a book is lots of hard work. After writing out the first draft I was better able to understand and list the factors that contributed to my own trauma. Getting to a place of publishing has been a long journey. I feel vindicated now, in that I'm better able to accept my trauma.

Q 6: What’s the transition to the civilian life been like?A: Like pulling teeth all the way emotionally! I didn't want to leave the Canadian Armed Forces (CAF). However the CAF made it gradual, smooth and respectful.

Q 7: Are you still grieving your career loss and missing the military life?A: Sometimes. As the years go by and I make new civilian memories it is gradually fading. I don't go to Remembrance Day any more because I don't like being an outsider while the troops get to march together. It's situational. Whenever I see someone in uniform I want to connect with them. But they see me as a civilian. I'm no longer in the club.

Q 8: Do you identify yourself as a Veteran now?A: I do. It's my understanding that anyone who's been deployed is considered a veteran and also everyone who leaves gets to call themselves that?

Q 9: Have you been struggling to get access to care, support and benefits after your release from the military?A: Well, care was never denied to me since I approached mental health services voluntarily. Benefits took six years of struggle with Veterans Affairs Canada (VAC). No one was willing to come forward and give any witness statements and assault and harassment require witness statements. It was a very invalidating and exhausting fight. VAC was weeks away from cancelling my counseling because I was seen as not a long term client when the lawyers at the Bureau of Pension Advocates finally came through for me. In the end, my Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD) was officially due to a near-miss incident involving a refueling at sea.

Q 10: If you could do it all over again, would you join the military?A: No. It wasn't worth the long term crushing of my self-esteem and basically PTSD. I have so many sources of anxiety now. And yes, because for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. This is a complicated question!

Q 11: Looking back, are you happy with your decision of reporting to the authorities what happened to you? Would you go buy the same way again? If not, what would you do differently?A: No I am not happy with my decision to go to the authorities. (Military Police). They treated me with no respect and were unprofessional in handling my case. They closed the case without even an investigation due to my allegations not meeting the definition of assault under the Criminal Code of Canada. My civilian lawyer completely disagreed but was helpless due to jurisdiction. I would have done it all differently given a second chance. I would have gone straight to my Commanding Officer. Skip the senior NCO's (that's where my experience with harassment and assault were). My biggest regret is not reporting it all to my Engineering Officer when he gave me the chance.

Q 12: What advice would you give to sailors exposed to sexual harassment or a sexual assault onboard a ship?A: Accept that no matter what, it will be a difficult process (at least in 2012 when I left it was like that). No matter what you do (report, don't report), there will be consequences. I reported and it ended my career medically. If you don't report then you have to also live with that. That leaves you vulnerable because the person didn't see any consequences to their inappropriate actions so they can do it again. In 2012 getting a witness statement was impossible and just alienated me from the rest of the crew.

Q 13: What measures do you think would be most effective in reducing and/or eliminating sexual abuse in the navy?A: 1- Stop dealing with it at the lowest rank possible.2- Stop removing the victims and start removing the perpetrators. A safe working environment should trump operational readiness.3- Be more selective during the recruitment and retention process. If the CAF can endorse physical training standards with slogans like "get fit or get out" they can use that attitude to fight sexual misconducts as well.

Q 14: What results do you hope your Memoir will create?A: Change? A better understanding of how Military Sexual Trauma (MST) and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be created without going to Afghanistan. More visibility for non-combat PTSD in the military.

Q 15: What’s the next milestone that you want to achieve?A: I want to get back to a place of health in the work force. I want to rebuild my self-confidence and my trust with my male superiors at work. The events in the memoir happened seven years ago and I'm still afraid to be alone with a male boss behind closed doors.​Learn more about OS Peffers experience: