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Bindu* also took a look at mine, his pritty good. Thank u again Bindu*

Yes. I am so appreciative. He knows his stuff!

I just typed this out last night...didn't know where it belongs...I'll put it in two places:

My dearest ones.

Two days ago, I completed a one hour dhyan meditation on the Sri Yantra, accompanied by the 108 names of the goddess Tripurasundari.

What followed, was an hour of holotropic breathwork pioneered by Stanislav Grof and after that, I did a shamanic soul retrieval that went for about an hour and a half. After all that, nothing really happened and I just fell asleep.

I woke up yesterday morning and realised I had to go shopping...I tried to stand and I couldn't walk properly, like a newborn foal...but I managed to get to the shops...and everything just looked so surreal...my eyes had trouble focusing...everything looked like it was in 2D and I had no visual depth of field whatsoever and yet, everything was pulsating and radiating with energy and light. It was a real chore and effort to interact with my surroundings and all I wanted to do was just sit down and stare at nothing all day. I got to the store checkouts and had to wait for about 20 minutes...meanwhile I was just moving my hands in all different mudras in front of my eyes...just performing a beautiful hand ballet then and there and I became totally transfixed...lost in deep trance.

I also became aware that both my brain hemispheres had totally integrated because the left side of my body became the right side...and vice versa, until I couldn't tell the difference between left, right, up, down, in or out...although I also realised my groceries were progressing along the conveyor belt and I would soon have to pay for them, which I did, but then exited the shopping complex ASAP and made a bee-line for home because I also got the feeling that something huge was about to go down. I rushed home, put the groceries away, stripped off naked because I could feel the raging furnace starting up within and I laid on my bed, applying pressure to all my shiatsu points along the spine - anywhere I could reach.

As soon as I pressed the ones at the base of my skull, there was a huge 'crack' in my head and a blinding pressure between my eyes, at the 'third-eye' area of my brow. What followed was incredible vertigo, nausea and a loss of all position in time, space and causal reality...I was totally 'gone' and I don't recall falling asleep...I didn't know if I was asleep, awake or what...but all I remember is 'coming to' about 2 hours later, soaked in massive perspiration, feeling on fire and having incredible pain in every part of my body...from my big toenail to the tips of my hair...I thought "right, this is it...goodbye, cruel world" and with that, I managed to crawl out of bed reaching my altar and prostrated myself before the murtis of Lord Shiva and Kali Ma going "let this be my last act on this earth" and then I heard it..."don't fight it...just surrender to it...it is only kriya shakti...you'll be fine".

So, I crawled back to bed and immersed/absolved myself in the pain and kundalini-fire until all the pain vanished...replaced by this incredible light and a feeling of deep contentment and satisfaction (I wouldn't say "bliss" exactly)...just a deep, peaceful inner silence and I went back into the lucid-dreaming state where I witnessed my own conception as the original merging of masculine and feminine within my being, creating my unique DNA, before I saw myself as a child...a lonely, abused child...and realised that it was me who appeared to my younger self in the form of Lord Shiva, because I knew that I would understand that better than "this is your future self here" but I also knew that Lord Shiva was a being we both loved...or should I say that I have loved all my life. I then started to pour unconditional loving energy back and forward along the whole ancestor and procestor DNA chain until I saw this beautiful planet shrouded in an aqua-green mist and knew that was 'my home'.

I cannot say what happened after that, because it was all I could recall, but I was aware of laying down at about 3pm yesterday when all this started...and the next thing I knew it was 6am this morning. My head felt like a swarm of wasps had just built a nest in it...I went to stand up to use the lavatory and careered off, side-long into a wall...so I got down on all-fours and crawled around for a while, doing the cat-pose (marjariasana) because it seemed to relieve the tension along my entire spine...all day, all I could drink was water...I tried orange juice...it tasted like battery acid (and I love orange juice). I had to spit it out and I spent most of the morning under a lukewarm shower drinking chilled water before I realised I had an appointment with my psychologist this afternoon...oh boy! I was tossing up whether to go or not, but I finally managed to because I couldn't think up a truthful excuse not to go...and yup, I've tried explaining all this kind of stuff to her before but she very quickly labels it as being 'escapism so I don't have to deal with 'real life'. I'm starting to question if it's even worth continuing to see her, when I also realise that my 'flimsy grip on reality' is the only reason why I go - but then again, what yogi doesn't have one? So, with my head bobbing up and down like a dashboard dog mascot, I managed to get through the whole session, before winding up at the library, studying all the jyotish nakshatras online, expanding my digitised consciousness into the quantum binary field which pretty much cemented my place as an Orion starseed with a partially blocked Vishuddhi Chakra.

Came home totally fatigued...sprawled out on my bed again and fell into sleep-trance...saw Lord Shiva as the Divine Archer (Sagittarius) destroying the three cities of the Asuras and taking Goddess Shakti out with them...Tripurasundari meets Tripurantakaya, before exploding with the heat and light of a million atomic bombs which somehow seemed to confine itself to my spinal cavity and cranium...why, hello there, Kalagnirudraya...until I found myself in face-down catatonia on my carpet some four hours later with "I wonder what the time is?"

I managed to pull myself together and found the energy to go downstairs into the kitchen and make a pot of green tea, before photocopying this whole thread, all the information I found online about each of the planetary aspects and their relation to my whole life...I realised I had been chosen by Lord Shiva....I realised I had attained some form of Samadhi but not necessarily Moksha yet...and also understood this is what I have to do, or else I will keep getting reborn to 'play the human maya-game and not cheat' over and over, but that is also a very fine line, because I can see it for what it truly is in relation to Brahman. Or, as Jesus said "be IN the world, but not OF the world and not "turn on, tune in, drop out" ( fully realising of course, that without hermits, hermeticism wouldn't exist).

So, I went back to studying the Shaiva Agamas and the Spanda Karikas tonight and fully realised..."I'm ready now".