5 Indoor Summer Activities to do When You’re Held Hostage by a Mildly-Threatening Wild Animal

In the midst of his existential crisis between his junior and senior year of college, your brother Jeff decided to study abroad. What you didn’t expect, though, is his new addition to the family: a baby tiger. Somewhere deep in the jungle Jeff found a pygmy tiger, and now that Jeff landed a summer internship, Titus the tiger is now your responsibility. Here are a couple indoor summer activities to do because Titus has all the exits blocked.

5.) Discovery Channel & chill:
Titus can see his peers and relatives frolicking in the wilderness, and you can learn something, too. Make sure Titus gets the remote, though: He is the dangerous mammal after all. If he wants to watch the gory parts of Shark Week just to feel a little less domesticated, then by God you will watch it with your eyes wide open while you start mapping out your escape.

4.) Catnip hide & seek:
Cats have an impeccable sense of smell, especially when it comes to their beloved catnip. The same goes for pygmy tigers. A fun activity that guarantees endless entertainment for both you and Titus is simply to hide bunches of catnip in hard to reach places, sit back, and watch the poor guy scour the house for the goods. He may be pretty pissed at you and treat you like a scratching post once he gives up the hunt, but it shouldn’t be anything a few stitches can’t fix. Plus, in the time it takes him to find the ‘nip, you can highlight all household exits for possible escape.

3.) Cooking:
People always say food is the key to a man’s heart, and the same goes with male pygmy tigers. Cooking with Titus is a genius way to butter him up while simultaneously slowing him down. Cook something hearty like chili, burgers, or a an elephant calf (Titus’s idea), and force feed Titus as your grandmother would do. He’ll be so stuffed he’ll demand a few hours to nap, which you will then use as time to set up the booby traps throughout your house, à la Home Alone.

2.) Spa night:
Everyone needs a little rejuvenation, whether human or tiger. Pick an evening where you’re in captivity (every night), rent a movie, and let the relaxation begin. While you do a face mask and moisturize your skin, don’t forget to rub coconut oil on Titus’s fur. He’ll wake up the next morning with such a shiny coat it’ll put shampoo models to shame. A spa night is extra helpful when being held captive by a tiger because Titus will become relaxed and, therefore, vulnerable.

1.) Fun in the sun:
Last but not least, don’t forget to get some vitamin D with your feline friend. Tigers are different than cats in the sense that they actually enjoy swimming. This activity could work to your advantage as well, in terms of the whole “hostage” situation. Swimming is a full-body exercise, thus making Titus weaker. When he’s underwater trying to show you a handstand, you make your run for it. If all goes as planned, he’ll be so exhausted from the sun and the swim, you’ll get a decent head start. Run for the hills! Good luck, and screw you, Jeff!