"I feel like a salmon smelling the water
of the stream where he was hatched."

Selections from the email of

I was thinking about my reasons for posting, and my eye fell
on this quote;

"All who joy would win must share it- Happiness was born a
twin" ---Byron

People say that forgetting the small self and experiencing the
oneness
of all is of no practical use in the everyday world. I disagree
and I
offer this example to illustrate;

Last weekend I was on an overnight canoe trip. On Sunday
afternoon
I was hit with one of the migrane headaches to which I am
occasionally
prone, induced by staying up too late Saturday night talking
around a
rather smoky campfire, and missing my usual hit of caffeine on
sunday
morning because of forgetting to bring coffee.

Sunday aft. was windy and bright and we were travelling on a
river
which meandered through open pastures. Because I was in the stern
of the
canoe I needed to pay attention and make continual steering
efforts to
counteract the gusty headwind. I also had to paddle hard
continually to
make progress into the wind. We had miles to go to our takeout
point.
The task seemed insurmountable, the suffering too intense to
bear. I
kept paddling, telling myself "It will be done". My
verbal measuring
thinking self shut down, there was not the energy left to sustain
it,
all the resources were taken up with concentrating on the task at
hand,
and with the senses. Whenever my friend in the bow of the canoe
spoke,
it took me several seconds to surface sufficiently to respond and
then
my response was only "What?" because although I had
heard him clearly, I
had not perceived words. It was as though my head had split open
or
exploded. Pain was present as a massive dark centre but no one
felt it.
The hyper-intense migrane enhanced sensory input was all of
reality. All
there was was the brightness of the world, the smells of early
spring, the rhythmic
creak and splash of canoe and water. The coldness of the wind and
water. Occasional people walking on the riverbank were mysterious
and
significant anomalies. There was no sensation of the passage of
time or
of movement. Suddenly we were approaching the end of the route,
and "I"
reentered "normal" reality. 5 hours had passed. I sat
with eyes shut in
a warm and quiet car for 10 minutes and the experience began to
fade.
I'm not arguing in favor of having migrane headaches, but I do
say
that the disappearance of the small self in extreme situations
makes
extraordinary things possible.

We have become saturated with language. Language gives us
history,
knowledge,culture, the ability to communicate across time and
around the
world. Word=logos, logic. But we lose something in our devotion
to the word.
Thought with words labels, compares ,classifies, separates. It
gives the
knowledge of good and evil. Instead of seeing things as they are,
it sees
labels, symbols. Marshal McLuhan pointed out that each new medium
that comes
along changes our relationship with the world. ("The medium
is the
message"...nondualism?)

Language is the original medium, how has it changed us? Can we
forget
language(or at least suspend our knowledge of it ) and see the
world
ourselves as it is without names and labels? This is what the old
taoists
mean by forgetting, it is forgetting one thing so that another
can be
remembered. This is what "The Tao that can be named is not
the true Tao"
means.
This is "suchness".

'Those who speak know nothing;
Those who know are silent.'
Those words, I am told,
Were spoken by Lao Tzu.
If we are to believe that Lao Tzu
Was himself one who knew,
How comes it that he wrote a book
Of five thousand words?

Po Chu-i

If you agree that we all are already enlightened but that we
delude ourselves
that we are not, why not ask "UNenlightenment: What use is
it?" My answer to
that question would be that it's a tiresome pretence that wastes
energy and is
of no benefit so we might as well stop fooling ourselves and
accept that we
are enlightened and get on with life.

A habit conditioned in us from early childhood, a byproduct of
human culture and
language, the downside of logical word based thought. We chose it
many generations
ago, and it worked very well, made us the most powerful animals
on the planet. The
problem is that we forget that it's not reality but just a useful
tool. A tool which we
as a species have grown so dependant on that we find it hard to
stand without leaning on
it. We have trouble letting the words in our mind ever stop.

To set aside everything others have told one about the nature
of things, and all
the conclusions one has reached and simply open ones mind and
find out for
oneself without selecting interpreting comparing ...

A map is not a road
Words are just words
Formless awareness is
Nameless it is all
Named it becomes everything
It depends how you look at it
Either way it never changes
It's a mystery, and it's the doorway to a deeper mystery

Eureka, I've lost it!

What is meaning? What is the meaning of the word 'meaning'? What
is the
meaning of the meaning of the word 'meaning'?

Does the value of a pebble change when someone tells you it's a
diamond?

Presence of presence=absence of absence
Absence of presence=presence of absence
Absence=presence?

Seeing oneself in others=seeing others in oneself

Marcia Paul asked: "Is there ever a real choice to be
made?"

Good question. When I asked who chooses, I was responding
specifically to
your statement about choosing which "me" to use at each
moment. Is it a
choice made by the totality of "me"s or what? Whether
there is choice ever
is a/the big question. I act as though there is. As soon as a
choice has
been made, it disappears. I sometimes feel that reality
divides(or I
divide) with every choice that is made so that every possible
alternative
gets chosen with reality(or me) continuously dividing at a rate
of infinity
to the power of infinity to the power of infinity and so on.
Reality as I
know it is chaotic. An analogy that occurs to me is with running
rapids in a
canoe, once you're in the strong current you have no choice about
going down
the river, but all the way down you are choosing your path. And
it's best
when the path seems to choose itself, a natural response to
conditions
seemingly without thought. Permeating and enclosing this chaotic
reality I
perceive a steady state which is perfect peace and bliss but
which does not
exist but rather is the quality of existence. Egad!

Here are some proverbs and songs by Antonio Machado I
translated, from *Fields of
Castilia* pub. 1917. I love translating poetry, it forces me to
look at a poem as slowly
and deeply as when I am writing my own poems and a unity of mind
develops with someone
who lived in a completely different time and place. One doesn't
even need to be able to
read the language one is translating from, just use this;http://babelfish.altavista.digital.com/cgi-bin/translate?(english
french german italian
portugese and spanish only, unfortunately)and go from there. The
machine translation is
crude and wierd, but by looking at it and the original there's
enough to go on. It's
fun...

XXI
Yesterday I dreamed
that I saw God
and that God spoke;
and I dreamed
that God saw me...
Later I dreamed that God dreamed.

XXIX
Traveller, your footprints are the path,
nothing else;
traveller, you have no path.
As you walk, the path forms.
The path forms as you walk
and when you look back,
the path is seen
where you will never return.
Traveller, it is no path,
just a wake in the sea.

XLIV
Things are created and everything exists
but we exist to create
to create paths
paths in the sea.

XLVI
Yesterday I dreamed that I saw God,
shouting to me;"Awake!"
Soon it was God who slept,
and I shouted;"Wake up!"

poem composed of semi-randomly selected words and phrases from
Gideon's
bible taken from Pictou county motel room

pattern
south wind blew softly
what is the way of the spirit?
potter's clay
turn again
fiery flying serpent
flattering divination
time
the cloud abode
way of peace
fallen to earth
I will overturn overturn overturn.

The only thing I know is that everything I know is wrong.

***

On karma; spring follows winter but winter doesn't cause
spring.

***

Naah no one stops, every living being is on that path whether
they know it or
not. Maybe pausing or drifting around in a backwater, but not
permanently
stopped. There's no choice about it. No way to stop.

***

About motives and striving for the IAM, I feel drawn on this
path, pulled onward as if by a magnet or by
gravity, not by my will. I feel like a salmon smelling the water
of the stream where he was hatched.

Jerry wrote: Yeah, that's what it is. A magnetic pull. And
then one speaks, or
attempts to speak as though one is reaching out for the hands of
another, attempting to grasp and take another on that magnetic
journey.

Or to try to get them to wake up and open their eyes and see
that we're all on the path.
---Andrew

As I see it the goal
(imperfectly achieved) is integration of the wordless and the
word, to act
(speak) from, in and to the only reality, which is ordinary and
extraordinary.
People write of detachment from the ordinary world, of being
dispassionate
observers of the events around them. This is only half way there.
Stopping at
this point is living death, a sort of limbo. Remaining in this
state is
debilitating, however comfortable it seems.
The vital next step is to submerge oneself fully in the ordinary
everyday world,
reacting without reservation to events, awake to the
extraordinary in the
ordinary. This is where the real work begins.

"Nihilism...
1 a : a viewpoint that traditional values and beliefs are
unfounded and that
existence is senseless and
useless b : a doctrine that denies any objective ground of truth
and especially
of moral truths."

Who is there for existence to be sensible and useful to? Who
despairs? The
small self despairs and dies and NOTHING remains.

The wild black river falling in love
pebbles turned to gold in its bed
water smooth as oiled muscles in the dark
water clear as black skin flecked with foam
from some passion upstream with love's gravity and time
carving granite to erotic curves
perfect slow changing lines the work of eons
deeper in the body of the beloved earth

The storm
chaotic gavotte of black electric clouds
orgasm of rain in the burning autumn hills
raging jazz rhythm of rain and thunder
thousand wind demons on the trees virtuoso
the fat sound of rain on water
curled tendrils of cloud reaching down the valley
even the crows struck dumb

The salmon in the full river
Purple and silver in fast water
Running by moonlight in cold water
Breaking the fall air
Still as stone
Fast as music
Called by the sky
Gravid
Watched by the hills
Loved by the golden pebbles
the clean washed gravel

When one is confronted with a problem, there is a tendency to
classify it,
to find a similar problem in one's memory, either previously
experienced or
heard about, and to apply the previous problem's solution to the
present
problem. As soon as this process starts, the perception of the
present
problem fades and distorts, and the present problem is not
solved. If one is
presented with a problem that is entirely outside one's previous
experience
and knowledge then one must apply one's whole attention to it,
and make a
creative solution. Can one treat every problem as though it were
fresh and
completely new? Seung Sahn the korean zen master says "Only
don't know" and
someone else speaks of opening the hand of thought.

Peter J. Lima wrote: I understand J. Krishnamurti, but I
am continually frustrated by him. He does not say how
it is possible to live in the "now," or die to the
past. He always asks, "Is
it possible?" but never answers yes or no, or how.

I think that he knew it to be possible because that's how he
lived, but he also
knew he couldn't communicate it to others, only tell them to ask
the question of
themselves.

I enjoy the impossible game of expressing the
wordless in words and I enjoy reading and listening to the
attempts of others. I
think U.G. (Krishnamurti) has an interesting and original
approach to the game. I don't read
any guru master yogi or teacher in this field with the idea that
I will get
anything out of it but pleasure and a mental challenge and that I
will learn to
play the game better myself. A fool...Iam that!

Regarding psychological wounds and awakening, it is my
experience that attention
to wounds can slow healing down, like picking at scabs. With
awakening, the
wounds heal up, or rather they are seen as not real. I think it
is a mistake to
tie psychological healing to awakening. One can happen without
the other and
neither is a necessary precondition for the other. Wounds heal
themselves given
time and rest first, then gentle exercise.

Taking it on oneself to break down another's ego is prideful
hurtful and wrong.
It ends badly however well intentioned. It shows error and
delusion in the one
who takes it upon himself to do so.

My advice to young seeker who finds such a person would be to run
the other way
as fast as he can.

We would think very differently if we had no language.
________________________________________________________________________
I used to think I existed, but all there is is an accumulating
collection of memories.
________________________________________________________________________

If I'm not taking notice of THIS MOMENT I'm nowhere. Because
that's all
there is. And there's nothing to compare circumstances to. And
this
moment never comes again though it's eternal. So not taking
notice NOW
is an irrevokable loss. And all grief centres on that. And
something
that feels like a wound is really an opening that ends waiting.
And
striving, gaining, searching are all forms of waiting. And one
spends
lifetimes waiting. Waiting for something to happen. And it never
will.
Unless one STOPS waiting.
________________________________________________________________________

The head tries to understand love, but finally it must admit
that it doesn't know much about it,
it's out of its depth and out of its element.
Love is the heart's element, the heart's domain;
The head sings a melody.
The heart gives the rhythm.
The rhythm is love.
________________________________________________________________________

I thought maybe,
"There is a way
around that old snake,
into the garden."
I thought perhaps,
"We never
really
left."
________________________________________________________________________

It seems to me that by relating to a group I am relating less,
not more, because a group excludes those who "don't
belong".
If I do not relate to others then I can relate only to myself,
a group of one, then none. A lonely life. Can I instead relate to
the
largest possible group, to all? Relate with the maximum
possible effort, with all my heart? Is this another way to lose
the psychological self?
________________________________________________________________________

There are weeds in my garden, and various wild creatures graze
here and there (six legs, eight legs, two legs, four, a hundred,
none),
but we still get more tomatoes than we can eat.
A more carefully tended garden might yield more,
but it would lose some charm.
________________________________________________________________________

Can I remember any of my pure conciousness experiences?...no
It is one pure conciousnessness experience, it's not
"mine", and any
memories are like metaphors, snapshots of the water in a flowing
river.
I can and do remember experiencing pure conciousness.
Experiencing pure conciousness is easy, anyone can do it with a
little
practise.
The self is quiet...et voila!
________________________________________________________________________

I have a poetic license
I carry it on my person at all times
Endorsed for poems of all weight classes
Corrective lenses must NOT be worn.
________________________________________________________________________

*Cactus-Person*

A short short story;
Cactus-person grows in the desert
-armed with ferocious spines-
-full of bitter juice-
-bearing a fragrant blossom-
S'he can smell the blossom but can't see anything because the
spines
grow inward as well as outward, even into the eyes.
Cactus-person thinks,"I am the only cactus-person in the
world."
Cactus-person thinks,"I sure smell good."
Cactus-person thinks,"I sure am lonely."
One day, who knows why, the spines drop off, dissolve away
and cactus-person sees other cactus people all around,
some spined, some not, all bearing blossoms.
Cactus-person's juice becomes sweet.
After a while, small animals come and eat around the base.
The flower becomes a seed pod.
Cactus-person falls, rots, sweetens the ground,
More cactus people grow.
________________________________________________________________________

Actual seeing is always taking place. We are only aware of it
when the
psychological "I me my" self shuts up. The "I me
my" self drowns actual
seeing with a constant babble of wishes hopes fears and
interpretations.
The "I me my" self is made to be quiet by meditation.
It can also"crash"
in a crisis situation which is why people experience feelings of
clarity
at such times.
________________________________________________________________________

I (the psychological self) am like an electronic system.
Actual seeing is the input signal. I put the signal through
feedback loops (memory,hope, fear,speculation,etc.) so
that the signal while still present is modified and distorted.
When I meditate (silently observe), the feedback loops
are removed or separated from the signal; I become aware
of the feedback loops, and I become aware of the signal.
I also become aware that I(the psychological self) am
nothing but the feedback loops and that the feedback loops
are nothing but the input signal turned back on itself.
________________________________________________________________________

*What Isn't*

Good isn't evil isn't good isn't evil...
Winning isn't losing isn't winning....
Joy isn't suffering isn't joy....
Etc. etc. etc.
Pairs of opposites always emerging from each other.
If I ask what isn't pairs of opposites, I find another pair;
' pairs of opposites' isn't 'x' ....
I can't see beyond pairs of opposites because all that
is beyond pairs of opposites is void, unnameable,
unknowable.
This is the story of what isn't, isn't it?
________________________________________________________________________

What I see as a sphere could actually be a disk spinning
(like a flipped coin) so fast that it occupies all of the sphere
at the same time; I have no way of knowing by looking at it.
What I see as a disk could be a line rotating about its centre.
What I see as a line could be a moving point.
The point could be infinitely small, nothing at all really.
________________________________________________________________________

As I see it the turning point, the discovery or the revelation
comes as soon as I choose to pay attention, just seeing, hearing,
perceiving, then there is no judging "I" present, or
put another way,
I am the perception, I am the world. But I am separated from
it, "I" is created, as soon as I start again producing
opinions,
judgements, conclusions...
This mind that is paying attention is seeking. The seeking only
stops
(it doesn't ever really stop but "I" is separated from
it) when the
judging, opinion making, concluding begins. Seeking is
revelation.
I wonder whether "seek and you shall find." could also
be
translated as "when you seek you find." or "to
seek is to find".
Seeking never ends, discovery never ends, revelation never ends.
When it ends you're dead.
"Seek and you shall find", there are no conditions
there, no seek
faithfully for a long time and then you shall find, it's just
seek and
you shall find; as soon as you seek you find. The only trick, and
it's
no trick at all, is how to seek. That's easy, just be quiet and
attentive. What else could there be? I am aware of me, the world
continuously boiling into existence. This is not thought or
conjecture,
I smell taste touch hear see it always, actually, everywhere I
look. I
am self aware, self actualizing, participant and observer. If I
am
quiet, attentive, alert, thoughts die because attention is not on
them,
and there is awareness of the actual eternal instant, the
present, where
I, the world am emerging from pure potential. There is no knowing
pure
potential, it's always just before knowing. I am only aware of it
as
something/nothing out of which I come, which I am made of. I am a
movement of thought and I would add so is the world in which I
operate.
They are the same movement of thought. Whether this movement
originates
in the central nervous system or the cns is simply receiving and
amplifying (and distorting?) it is another matter. (Memory is
feedback?)
When I am quiet this movement of thought stops, or the cns stops
responding to it. There is a space, an interval where I have
ceased to
be/am not yet. In this space there is awareness, knowing,
perception. It
is not necessary to be something to know.
This knowing is not knowing something, it's just knowing.
That's why I call it pure potential.

If I am standing at the bottom of a cliff and a boulder is
falling from
the top, that boulder contains a certain potential with regard to
my
material existence. What I am talking about is potential without
the
boulder.
________________________________________________________________________

Desire doesn't feel all bad to me, sometimes it can be
quite delicious, more even than the thing that was desired turns
out to be. We don't need to always act on our desires. If we
accept this, then we can experience the desire, even enjoy
it, and not be frustrated that the desire is not fulfilled.
________________________________________________________________________

Insight is one thing, ones beliefs and thoughts are another.
Insight is
universal, we all share the same insight, because there is one
reality,
but each of us thinks and believes and speaks of it differently
according to our individual backgrounds.
It may fundamentally be unimportant how we think and speak about
it.

The certainty that comes
with the sudden cessation
of conceptual thought
is that there is nothing
that has absolute existence
there is nowhere to stand
nothing to rely on.
Beliefs and visions
argument and philosophy
can't stand up to that.

--------------

There is no belief required, the certainty is that there is
no me and no god.