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The Doorman, premiering July 18, follows jet-setting gatekeeper Trevor W. as he enjoys a fast life of bribes, buxom beauties, penthouse apartments, and air-kisses. In the mockumentary film, Amy Sacco, of Bungalow 8, calls him the best doorman in the city, which is all too easy to believe, given his hilarious vacuousness (he can’t even do yoga right). One day, however, he gets canned from his gig at Crobar and blacklisted for failing to recognize Nicolas Cage, and outlandish boa wearer Fabrizio Brienza, of Happy Valley, takes his place in the limelight, tweaking his nipples for the camera and bragging that for the right price, he can put you anywhere in New York — even in the lap of Joe Torre. We asked lead actor Lucas Akoskin to channel Trevor W. (Make sure you watch the clip to get his voice in your head.) Not surprisingly, Trevor's musings about celebrity, style, and nightlife were, well, not much different than those of the actual doormen we've talked to in the past!

You’ve worked all over the world — from Africa to Vegas. Who has the most beautiful women?
There’s nothing topping Latin America, I have to say. I’m of course acknowledging the fact that Eastern Europe has amazing creatures, and of course in New York, Milan, and Paris you’ll find lovely women, as well.

What mix of patrons do you try to cultivate?
Of course, I will prioritize beautiful women. That’s foremost and above everything. And a certain amount of guys — we call them “the payers.” They have to finance the club. It’s not all about beautiful bodies and looking good.

What should someone wear if they want to get in?
It’s a little cheesy if they come in an old-fashioned way, with stuff that was on sale two years ago. You can get better stuff if you go to American Fair — what’s the name of the vintage place? Even at the Salvation Army, you can find an amazing vintage dress, jeans, or hats. But if you’re trying so hard that you’re cheesy, I can tell, and you’re not getting in at all.

What’s your personal style?
I can’t really tell the name of the brands because I promised them that I’m not cheesy enough to say that. I describe myself as casual and fancy and non-provocative. And impressive. And elegant, as well.

What’s the next trend in nightlife?
Huh? Like transvestites?

I said "trend," not "transvestites." But okay, transvestites — are they good for the party? Do you let them in?
If I’m doing a Halloween party then maybe I do, yes. They have to fit into the club or the event that I’m doing. Of course, there’s a difference between a transvestite and a drag queen, which is a completely different case.

You rejected Amy Sacco once — what happened?
She was a little slurry flirty. I just didn’t think that she was someone I needed inside my club. She was trying to have fun, a night out, and it wasn’t her club. I just didn’t think she should be at the club; she should be at her club.

Let me give you a few other names — tell me if you’d let them in. Paris Hilton?
Depends on her moment. I would if she’s having a calm-down time, staying with friends, having a good time. If she’s coming to party like an animal and be wasted and embarrass herself, I think I will be doing her a favor by not letting her in.

What about Eliot Spitzer, on the week of his scandal?
[To a friend] Who is Eliot Spitzer? Was that the one who was against the gays, and then it turned out he was gay? [To Grub Street] Oh, he was the one with the call girls. If he came with the prostitutes, I’m probably not going to let him in. If he comes by himself, we’re still businesspeople at the end of the day — there’s a lot of people who come to the club that didn’t even know that happened. They’re in a different channel that night.

So you won’t let call girls in to serve your moneyed clientele?
No, no, no. There are plenty of girls that are not prostitutes, but will do everything even better than a prostitute does.

What about someone like Jeremy Piven, who has a reputation for hitting on all the girls?
Why not? He’s a movie star. It’s a service that I supply to the girls that come to the club. More than one wants to sleep with a celebrity.

What if he and Stephen Dorff both want to get in? Do you let them both in and risk a fight?
At the very beginning, I didn’t know Stephen — everyone said Stephen Dorff. I actually thought there was a dwarf called Stephen. I thought, why was Jeremy Piven going to take it so hard on a dwarf, poor guy? If both come to the club, most likely I will know who’s more hot at that moment. If Piven is doing Entourage, I have to respect that. But if Dorff does a new Titanic and he’s the new DiCaprio or whatever, then yeah, he might have more weight.

How about Bret Michaels?
The guy from Poison? He’s a little cheesy — half cheesy if you look at him from one eye. He’s doing a reality show — it’s not someone I’d let in.

The Doorman opens July 18 at Village East Cinema. For more on Trevor W., visit thedoormanmovie.com.