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This section was my workspace for philosophy essays between July 2006 and April 2008.
I call this "Prehistoric Kilroy" because it gave me practice for more
disciplined essays in Kilroy Cafe.Also see my philophical blog and Twitter feed.

Issue #88,
5/12/2007

The Politics of Pair Bonding

By Glenn CampbellFamily Court Philosopher

[Subject to active editing
for the next day or two.]

In the fantasy of human mating, handsome Prince
Charming comes along and rescues the pretty princess from the
Black Wizard's tower; they fall in love, get married and
live happily ever after. The End.

Real life is a wee bit more complicated. Mating can be an
extraordinarily complicated process that involves a whole
lot of treacherous politics, much of it invisible even to the
people involved.

If a princess really is beautiful, in the cultural norm sort
of way, then she has plenty of Prince Charmings to choose
from. They're knocking on her door. Does she choose the
handsomest prince, or the most adventurous one, or the most
stable and reliable one? The answer is, she chooses the one
who least threatens her own ego.

Beneath the surface of every princess, not matter how
pretty, is a host of insecurities. Sure, she wants the
"best" prince, but at the same time she is afraid of both
rejection and losing control. Rejection happens when
someone you are attracted to isn't attracted to you or
chooses someone else instead. Losing control is when
someone becomes too attracted to you, and you need to
push them away.

Every prince, on his side, is playing a similar game. He
wants the prettiest princess, or even, if he is a bit
enlightened, the most intelligent, but he doesn't
want to be rejected either. If a beautiful,
super-intelligent princess walks in the front door, he might
just slink out the back, knowing deep down that she is way
too good for him and that he can't compete with other
presumed suitors.

Neither prince nor princess wants to get involved in a
situation where they let someone in the door but then can't
get them to leave. This happens when the other person is
too needy and vulnerable. You know that if you said the
word, they'd be on you in a minute, smothering you, which is
almost as distressing as being rejected.

So everybody plays it cool—usually too cool. Instead
of just jumping to, "I love you, The End," there's this
dance that has to take place. A poker game. You want to
make yourself available, but not too available, so you have
an escape route if things don't go as planned. You want to
approach the person you are attracted to, but you also want to
make them think it's totally casual, not desperate
like you know it is. You don't want to be seen as a fool if
you let your true feelings out and the other person laughs
in your face.

To avoid being hurt, you are forced to hold your cards close
to your chest. The trouble is, the cards themselves are
constantly changing. What if you express a little interest
in someone and they turn around and express a LOT of
interest in you, way too much. Then your position might
shift from attraction to fleeing. "Get me out of here!"
The person you were initially attracted to can quickly
become unattractive, and vice-versa, depending on how they
respond to you and how you are programmed to interpret it.

So here you are playing a poker game with changing cards.
You are looking for love but aren't quite sure what love is
or who the perfect mate should be. You've been burned in the
past, so maybe you're a little paranoid. Maybe a lot
paranoid. The princes are all scoundrels and the princesses
are bitches, because they've abused you before. The good ones
are all taken, you may assume, and the bad ones are all that's
left.

So how do people overcome all these internal barriers and
actually get together?

Alcohol, lots of it. Alcohol shuts down some of the
inhibitions and lets the animal instincts take over. It may
not be the ideal matchmaker, but it is probably the most
common.

If left to their own logical processes, people are likely to
be confounded and paralysed, because the issues are so huge.
How do you make a logical decision about who you are going
to spend the rest of your life with? Who has that kind of
crystal ball? You want the "best" mate, but you don't want
to be rejected, and you don't want to be stuck with a
turkey either. Whatever information you have about a person right
now, it is never enough for a rational decision. You could
burn out all your brain circuits just thinking about it.

In the end, the decision is usually made by happenstance.
You happen to be thrown together with a person who is "good
enough" and there happens to be alcohol available. He may
not be the perfect prince, but he's there, in front of you,
right now. It's a proximity thing and a throw of the dice
thing. Love is never really a choice as much as you think
it is.

Once the connection has been made—with or without
alcohol—then the whole wonderful delusional system
starts kicking in. You "fall in love." You start finding
all these amazing things you have in common while
conveniently overlooking your differences. You were "made
for each other," you both say, and you both believe it.

Unbeknownst to you, your brain is changing. The neurons are
rearranging themselves to absorb this other person into
your emotional system. Humans are deeply programmed to be
pair bonded, so once a potential mate of adequate
credentials gets close enough, it is sure to happen.

They are absorbed into your nervous system regardless of
whether the relationship works on any practical level. This
is an unspoken and unjustified bonding similar to that
between a mother and child shortly after birth. There is no
surface "reason" for this neurological change, even though
you may fabricate reasons for it later. It is just that when
you hold two sexually compatible people together on desert
island, they are going to start bonding, and the bond is
likely to last even after they leave the island.

It isn't just sex that brings them together but a genuine
joy in the presence of the other and a loneliness
when the other is away. At this point, all the other Prince
Charmings in the world aren't relevant anymore. You simply
stop perceiving them. The other princes aren't an issue
because you become so involved with yours that no other has
an opportunity to approach.

This phase can go on for, oh, several months at least. For
people who are reasonably compatible and emotionally secure
in themselves, the delusion can persist for years, if not for
life. For a relatively stable and emotionally healthy
pair, a bonded relationship usually lasts by default, unless
some major crisis forces them apart.

There are worse delusions. Maybe you didn't get the best
Prince Charming, but if you're lucky, he's good enough.
Just don't let your intellect get too soft and mushy about
it. It's not like this relationship was written in the stars
or gifted by God. It was just one of those practical
arrangements thrown together by you and your matchmaker.

Alcohol.

—G.C.

Reader Comments

“This cracked me up.”
—Joe in NY 5/13/07 (rating=3)

“I once heard from a jaded man giving advice to a newly-betrothed young man, "Save your time. Go out and find a woman you absolutely can't stand and just give her your house, cause that's how it's gonna end up anyway."”
— 5/15/07 (rating=4)