Review: The X-Files: I Want to Believe

Seeing the new X-Files flick was like going to see your favorite band and all they play is new stuff. New stuff written by Mliey Cyrus. And the only instruments that they use are a kazoo, a jug, and Kathy Griffith’s voice. And then instead of playing an encore, they all take turns punching you in the junk with a cricket bat. This movie was the worst thing I have seen in the theatre in years.

You Had Cause to be X-Cited.

When I was thirteen years old, living a phenomenally boring existence in South Texas, one of my only connections to something interesting came at 8pm on Thursday nights in the form of Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully searching the world for evidence of extraterrestrials. This was the power of TV—to lift me out of a coma with stories of intrigue and mystery, to breath a little life into me with the suggestion that there might be something more out there. So it was with a bit of nostalgia that I welcomed their newest if not weirdly timed adventure “I Want to Believe.”

Play by Play

The movie starts with writer director Chris Carter running dogs through a field, poking a stick in the ground, locating the lon buried body of the hit show, digging it up, and repeatedly raping the shit out of it right in front of all of our grandmothers. Within the first hour of the movie, he had defiled our fond memories in such a brutal fashion that we start to question the whole of our youths. Is this just what the show was like and we don’t remember? Were we just that geeky? The climax comes in an amazing sequence where the producers of the movie actually walk into the theatre and take fourteen bucks out of your wallet, laugh at you, and drive away in their 650i drop-tops, laughing. I don’t know how they make all the showings, but they do, fucking pricks.

But Where are the Aliens?

Dude. There aren’t any. That’s the take home point. It’s not about the one thing that really made this series popular. It’s one hour and forty four minutes of dry humping. The movie is not about aliens. And Amanda Peet barely looks hot., although I would not kick her out of the tinted SUV.

Then What is the Movie about?

I don’t know. Something about Russian scientists who have moved to Virginia in order to kidnap FBI agents and use their bodies to transplant heads, and they are caught by a sex abusing clairvoyant priest. As absurd as that sounds, it’s an accurate description. Honestly, it’s probably about Chris Carter paying off a huge gambling debt. Screw this movie. 2/10