Now, it is no secret that we here at the Freethought Mecca are loyal
servants of ad-Dajjal (alaihee shalom). In fact, the Freethought
Mecca is the official site of ad-Dajjal, with all other sites claiming
to be such being impostors. Regardless, as our support base grows, and
the Global Conspiracy gains steam, we felt that we should offer our readers
a chance to find out about the Dajjal's progress. We promise you that we
are working around the clock to bring about the coming of our one-eyed
master.

First, a note on the Dajjal's eye. There's been a great deal of talk
with regards to how he will look, and which eye will be blind. First of
all, the numerous sahih ahadith that are available to our ikhwan
al-kaafireen are wholly unreliable. We've told you a thousand times
not to rely on hadith collections, but still a few mental midgets do not
heed our advice. The Freethought Mecca would now like to clear up the issue
about the Dajjal's eye. First, we'd like to offer a few ahadith
which allegedly cover this issue:

Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number 7005:

Ibn Umar reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) made
a mention of Dajjal in the presence of the people and said: Allah is not
one-eyed and behold that Dajjal is blind of the right eye and his eye would
be like a floating grape.

Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number 7009:

Anas b. Malik reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him)
said: Dajjal is blind of one eye and there is written between his eyes
the word "kaafir". He then spelled the word as k. f. r., which every Muslim
would be able to read.

Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number 7010:

Hudhalfa reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said:
Dajjal is blind of left eye with thick hair and there would be a garden
and fire with him and his fire would be a garden and his garden would be
fire.

Now, these are all from the Sahih Muslim collection, yet they either contradict,
or are blatantly wrong (what else is new?). Yes, our one-eyed wonder is
indeed blind in one eye, but it is not the right eye as Ibn Umar claimed;
rather it is his left eye, as Hudhalfa correctly pointed out. Furthermore,
he does not have the word "kaafir" written between his eyes as was claimed
by Anas b. Malik. He used to have that written there, but with all the
new breakthroughs in elective cosmetic surgery, we were able to have it
removed (thanks to funding given to us by the Greater Zionist Council).

Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number
7034:

Anas b. Malik reported that Allah's
Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: The Dajjal would be followed by
seventy thousand Jews of Isfahan wearing Persian shawls.

Where is the Dajjal now?

For those who are wondering, the Dajjal is alive and well, and is actually
living in Iran. It is in Iran that the Dajjal is trying to marshall his
forces. We originally planned on building an army of Jews, but there's
only a few thousand Jews left in the country (it's that darn migration
to Israel I tell you!). Because of this, we've had to settle with the next
best thing: Shias.

Now, some of the members of the Conspiracy Council are against this
idea, citing examples such as Hezbollah, and other Shia militias
that are fighting the forces of Zionism. Those types are essentially black
sheep. We need not worry about them. Most of our Shia brethren are quite
good at calling the halalharam, and calling the haramhalal. The Dajjal actually has pretty good relations with the Irani
government, and drinks Maneshevitz with President Khatami every
Friday (see image at left).

At present, our Irani forces number in the tens of thousands. We wont
give you an exact number, but let's just say it's a lot! Furthermore, as
we just said, we're using an army of Shias rather than Jews, but they're
basically just as good as Jews. With all their mystical emphasis put on
the number twelve, we're slowly convincing them that the actual names of
the twelve Imams were Yehudah, Ruven, Naftali, Shimon, Levi, Yosef, et
cetera. Indeed, the earliest Shias were Jews, as Professor H.Graetz
indirectly pointed out:

"The Babylonian Jews and the Nestorian Christians embraced the cause
of Ali and rendered him material assistance. A Jew by the name of Abdallah
Ibn Saba was an enthusiastic partisan of Ali, and proved to the Mohammedans
on mystical grounds that Ali alone was worthy of the califate since the
spirit of Mohammed descended upon him just as the spirit of Moses upon
Joshua. At the capture of Peroz-Shabur or Anbar, a multitude, said to consist
of ninety thousand Jews, headed by Mar Isaac, the chief of the academy
of Sura, acclaimed Ali and paid homage to him at a time when his own followers
were rather lukewarm in their support (658)."
[Graetz, History of the Jews, Vol. III (Hebrew Publishing co.
1919), p.4]

Still, we understand that many of the ungrateful Shia do not recognize
their Jewish roots, and even go as far as to deny these roots when in debates
with their Sunni brethren. This is of no consequence to us. Whether Shia,
Sunni, or Wahabi, it is our goal to convert them to the path of kufr,
be it as Jews, Christians, Hindus, or Atheists. Indeed, as the Qur'an says:

And the Jews will never be happy with you,
nor the Christians, until you follow their way.

The Mufti of Jerusalem

The Great Mufti of Jerusalem has actually capitulated to Zionist money,
and has joined the Global Conspiracy after we added a few million shekels
to his bank account. We needed a major force to help us get the pious to
convert to other faiths and ideologies. The aforementioned verse from the
Qur'an fails to mention Atheists or the Polytheist Jahiloonytoonies, but
then again, Allah always did seem to have something against us. Regardless,
his Muftiness is going to help us return many Arabs living in Israel/Palestine
back to glorious anthropomorphic and polytheist forms of worship. With
this beginning, insh'ad-Dajjal, polytheism and shirk will
spread throughout the Muslim world.

The great Mufti of Jerusalem has recently ordained that it is okay for
Muslims to worship Israeli soldiers. This has not gone over well with certain
Islamic hard-liners that are on the fringe, who argue that such practices
will result in the Muslims sinking back into the polytheism practiced by
the Jahiloonytoonies of pre Islamic Arabia. These fundamentalist opposition
leaders have accused the Jerusalem Muslim community of committing shirk,
have labeled them apostates, and demand they return to Islam within the
next three days, else they will have no choice but to ask the Israelis
to kill them all, as the Prophet (alaihee shalom) ordered: man
baddalla deenahu, FAQTULUHU! or "He who changes his religion, KILL
HIM!"

The great Mufti, however, has argued that worshiping Israeli soldiers
is perfectly within the tenets of Islam. "In Islaam, we believe that the
Most Merciful God, Allaah, uses coercion to keep us on the true path" said
the Mufti during a recent trip to Baluchistan. "You must worship Allaah,
because if you don't, He will hurt you severely." The Mufti continued by
saying "therefore, in Islaam, one must worship those who have the power
to kick your butt." It was with these words that the great Mufti has convinced
numerous Muslims to adopt customs that are decidedly unfavorable in the
proverbial eyes of Allah.

While there were small pockets of hard-line opposition across the Islamic
world, most Muslims agreed that they should worship Israeli soldiers when
in Israel. "Outside of Israel," noted one scholar from al-Azhar university,
"we do not have to worship Israelis, as they have no power. Furthermore,
you should only worship Israelis who carry automatic weapons. To worship
an unarmed Israeli is to commit a grave sin." He went on to begin work
on declaring a new edict, where Muslims in Egypt would worship Hosni Mubarak.
This was not that big a step considering that many there already had shrines
dedicated to the late Gimel Abdel-Naser.

"This is the true answer to peace in the Middle East!" exclaimed a jubilant
Muhammad Abdush'Shaytan ar-Rumi, a Palestinian halal-pork vender from East
Jerusalem. "Before I dreamt of slitting Israa'eeli throats, and
slamming their babies into walls, and pushing them into the sea. Now I
love them, and am their servant in true devotion. Ehud Akbar!" Mr.
Rumi is only one of many happy converts to our new heterodox form of Islam,
and is none the wiser to our conspiracy. Numerous others are changing their
names from Abdallah to Abdal-lat, Abdal-Uzza, and so on.

Then Prime Minister BinYameen Netanyahu
planting a boxthorn tree in Israel in February of 1999.

Still, it is generally agreed that there is a good chance that ad-Dajjal
will abandon us during the final battle. Many Muslim scholars seem rather
confident that Jesus will return, and kill the Dajjal, most likely in a
battle taking place in Syria. This is not all that unlikely, considering
that our beloved leader is blind in one eye, and a bit out of shape. He
is quite portly, corpulent even, and seems to be left short of breath from
simple acts like combing his hair. We beg him to do some sit ups, but he's
the boss, and there's not much we can do if he doesn't feel like exercising.

Thus, we are also preparing for the possibility that during the final
battle, our leader will be killed, will flee, or will become preoccupied
at a local donut shop. We want to be ready to fight on, even without the
Dajjal's help. We think that our forces will be strong enough to overpower
the Muslim Mujahideen (we've seen outnumbered Israelis pull it off).
However, if we are unable to defend ourselves, we have found a loophole,
courtesy of Allah's creation. Consider the following hadith:

Sahih Muslim Book 041, Number 6985:
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace
be upon him) as saying: The last hour would not come unless the Muslims
will fight against the Jews and the Muslims would kill them until the Jews
would hide themselves behind a stone or a tree and a stone or a tree would
say: Muslim, or the servant of Allah, there is a Jew behind me; come and
kill him; but the tree Gharqad would not say, for it is the tree
of the Jews.

The Gharqad tree is more commonly known as the boxthorn tree.
If it will hide Jews behind it, it will most likely hide allies of the
Jews as well! We have been pouring great deals of money into projects that
involve planting boxthorn trees all over the world, particularly in kaafir
strongholds like the United States, Israel, and India. These loyal trees
are exactly what we need in terms of protection. With entire forests of
these trees, the worst case scenario will be a stalemate (that is, unless
Pakistan obliterates these forests with Nuclear weapons).

Clearly, we've got all bases covered. We are slowly building a mighty
army of crypto-Jews in Iran; every day more and more Muslims are embracing
the customs of the Jahiliyya; our boxthorn saplings are growing
into mighty trees. All we need to do now is wait.

Still, we need your support! Try at all costs to convert any Muslim
you meet to your respective mythology or ideology, be it Atheism, Hinduism,
Marxism, Humanism, Deism, Agnosticism, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism,
et cetera. Islaam, as well all know, is the true religion, and we
must snuff out the light of Allah's religion. Insh'ash-Shaytan,
the Freethought Mecca will soon offer online courses on how to convert
Muslims to other ideologies.

You can also help by sending us money. Support the cause financially!
We need money to buy weapons, publish books, as well as bribe the Imams,
Muftis, and Mullahs of the world. Many of Islam's respective clerics have
strong iman, thus it takes a hefty wad of cash to convince them
to consider joining the Global Conspiracy. We've already bought the souls
of Yasser Arafat, Sadam Hussein, Hosni Mubarak, King Abdullah of Jordan,
the aforementioned Mufti of Jerusalem, the entire moderation staff of the
usenet newsgroup soc.religion.islam,
and numerous small time leaders. Still, there are numerous others who we
have been unable to convince, such as Sheikh Nasrallah of Hezbollah,
Sheikh Yassin of Hamas, and a few others. With larger financial
resources, we'll be more able to bribe the few who have, thus far, slipped
through our fingers. Send checks or money orders to:

We except US Dollars, Israeli Shekels, and Indian Rupies, but no other
denominations. Those who send the equivalent of 100 US Dollars (roughly
73 billion Rupies) will get a free mug with your choice of either a star
of David, a pentagram, or the Sanskrit letter OM written on the side. For
a limited time only.

Until then, we would like to say to all our brothers, our ikhwaan
al-Kaafireen wa'l-Mushrikeen, "Namaste, Shalom, and Good Night."