In-laws seem to be closing in on family

Dear Amy: My in-laws currently live six hours away. I like it that way.

They keep talking about moving to our town, but this would be at the cost of our relationship.

Woman with serious look on face

Woman with serious look on face

digitalskillet, Getty Images/iStockphoto

They’re lovely people in small doses, but we lived near them for a year when I had my first child, and Amy – it was awful. They often don’t respect boundaries, and make everything about themselves.

My father-in-law can be especially obnoxious. He fights with me when he’s drinking (which is every night).

My husband agrees with me about his folks, but it usually falls on my shoulders to stand up to them. We’re happy where we are – that’s why we moved!

They feel like their oldest daughter and son-in-law (who live near them now) don’t have time for them anymore. The thing is – neither do I.

I would prefer to see them on our planned short trips two or three times a year.

I want to tell them to stay where they are, but I don’t know how to do that.

– Happy at a Distance

Dear Happy: Your in-laws seem to be fishing for encouragement, but in situations like this, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to bite every hook that dangles.

If they explicitly ask you what you think of the idea of them moving to your town, ask them a series of questions before you respond: Why do you want to move? What are you hoping for? What factors are influencing your thinking?

After listening to them, you should respond by being completely honest: “We all enjoy our visits with you, but I in particular struggled when we lived close by because I felt you didn’t respect our boundaries, and I often felt crowded out. Living at a distance has been better for our relationship, certainly from my perspective. I don’t know if moving here will achieve your goals.”

If your father-in-law is a belligerent alcoholic, your mother-in-law might need more help or attention than you realize. Your husband and his sister should take a fresh look at their domestic situation to honestly discern if they are OK. The impact of his drinking will change over time, and you should all assume that the situation at their home might be deteriorating, which is why they are looking for a change. An elder housing community might be a good fit for them.

Dear Amy: I recently received a “Display Bridal Shower” invitation.

The invitation states to bring your gift, unwrapped and unboxed, to the shower. The gift will be on “display” for everyone to see so that there’s more time to eat, drink and celebrate the bride-to-be.

The mother (my sister-in-law) included a “To/From” tag that is to be affixed onto the gift.

Doesn’t this seem ostentatious? This mother and daughter have a history of being money-mongers, attention seekers, braggarts, self-absorbed and “trendy” to a fault.

I am uncomfortable with it. So are some other relatives.

Isn’t the whole idea of a bridal shower to watch the bride open each gift, see the excitement and reaction on the bride’s face, thank the giver and hear the ooo’s and ahhh’s from the guests?

I’m not THAT old to where I’m not open to something different, but this seems over the top, and classless/tacky.

What is your take on this? My husband says to wrap the gift anyway.

– Traditional

Dear Traditional: I recently went to a shower like this, and there were almost 100 guests. It would have been pretty wasteful, outlandish and exhausting to witness that amount of unwrapping. Even the most enthusiastic guest runs out of “Ahhhs.”

I’m not sure about delivering a gift “unboxed,” however. This might make it impossible for the bride to exchange a gift, if she receives multiples.

Regardless of how “tacky” you might think this is, it is truly classless (to use your word) to gossip about this and criticize it with other family members. Either climb on board and participate, or send your (wrapped) gift, along with your regrets.

Dear Amy: I liked your recommendations to “Not Quite Nourished,” until you advised them to bring a meat dish to their vegetarian relative’s house if they wanted to eat meat.

I’m a life-long vegetarian and would never want meat served at my table.

– Veggie for Life

Dear Veggie: Many vegetarians responded similarly. “Not Quite Nourished” described all of the family’s young children as “omnivores,” and so I assumed (perhaps incorrectly) that meat was sometimes served at these homes.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.