Friday, December 18, 2009

Chinese drywall manufactured by Knauf Plasterboard in China and exported to the U.S. from 2001 to 2007 has been linked to both global warming and infertility. Earlier complaints included headaches and the corrosion of electrical wiring and plumbing pipes in homes.

As a practical joke, Knauf, from its headquarters in Germany, posted this statement on its website: “Constant improvement is a permanent objective of our company. The basic prerequisite for this is a strong quality management system.” Managing partner Nikolaus Knauf said that he “felt a lighter note was needed to ease homeowner stress.”

Regarding the global warming issue, Knauf believes this will help reduce overhead: “Now that the Arctic region has become ice-free in the warmer months, we’ll be able to reduce shipping mileage to the U.S. by as much as 10,000 nautical miles.”

In a more recent finding, Saprolegnia ferax, a pathogen, has been found in Chinese drywall. This pathogen leads to the “Ambrose Effect” and has been linked to infertility in amphibians. It was first identified by Otto Ambrose, a known Nazi chemist and director of the I.G. Farben Company, which supplied gasoline for Hitler's war effort.

Farben began producing S. ferax in large quantities with plans to release it during bombing attacks over regions harboring large Jewish populations—like New York’s Crown Heights—toward the end of World War II. Those plans were derailed once Hitler found out that his Minister of War Production, Albert Speer, had been producing imaginary Luftwaffe bombers for 18 months.

Suspicions are high that the Chinese government has similar plans for population control, ever since Chinese President Hu Jintao said to President Obama during his recent visit, “We Chinee have rearn many resson, rike how to eriminate poverty, but we can’t seem to rower Chinee ribido.”

Thursday, December 10, 2009

OSLO, NORWAY (December 10, 2009) — Today President Obama, our most prominent immigrant from Hawaii, accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize amid some controversy. The Peace Prize is awarded each year to the world figure who can best hide his real intentions from the Nobel committee. The inventor of dynamite and creator of the awards, Alfred Nobel, would be especially pleased by this year’s selection.

The committee consists of five members—Thorbjørn Jagland, Kaci Kullmann Five, Sissel Marie Rønbeck, Inger-Marie Ytterhorn, and Ågot Valle—all of whom are, coincidentally, charter members of Oslo’s Dum Navnet Klubben (Silly Name Club). A delicious lunch was served by IKEA personnel under the watchful eye of founder Ingvar Kamprad, current president of Dum Navnet Klubben. Mr. Obama was asked by Kamprad to be an honorary member of the club.

After the ceremony, attendees were treated to a live demonstration by American mercenaries from Blackwater USA. Especially impressive was the shattering of a huge iceberg by a GBU-28 bunker buster. This was followed by a series of napalm strikes that crisscrossed a nearby fjord in the flag colors of the United States and Norway—red, white, and blue—to the accompaniment of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.”

During his acceptance speech, Mr. Obama said that the war in Iraq was “just a war,” but then corrected himself by saying it was “a just war.” He closed his speech with this call to action: “Let us reach for our guns when need be and ignite the passions of the crusader that still stirs within each of our souls.” Marwan Bishara, Al Jazeera's senior political analyst, responded by saying, “Holy Allah! Next thing they’ll be Knights Templar knocking on my mosque’s door.”