It's hard, and I'm struggling.

I have my codependency book, I read it and take it to heart, I do my best to put what I learn into the situations in my life. But today, I'm very discouraged. I think it's making things worse.... part of me doesn't even care, part of me just wants this all to be done and over with. I'm tired of being pushed away, the steel-enforced concrete walls, and the condescending attitudes. I feel like he's looking for opportunities to make things even more difficult for me. I have the week off work for Thanksgiving, and on Sunday night I asked if he would turn off his 5:45 alarm (he rarely ever gets up at that time and has 2 more alarms set) so that I didn't have to wake up that early (I'm so trained by my alarm and routine that I can't go back to sleep once the alarm goes off) and his exact words were "OK". 5:45am on Monday morning the alarm goes off. And hour later when he finally got out of bed I told him that I felt like him indicating one action and then doing the complete opposite was, well, rude. He claimed he never said he would and that he wakes up the way he does cause he likes to (this was done in a very "informative" and condescending tone). Am I going crazy? This ongoing cycle of "Distort, Deny, Deflect" is really wearing me down. Nothing happens unless he says so, it happened the way he says it did, and it's always somehow my fault. The dog didn't bite my daughter because he was diagnosed with anxiety problems and had been showing signs of aggression for 2 years. It was all circumstantial and environmental. Since DH goes to work all day everyday, the circumstances and environment was on my shoulders entirely. DH is so deep rooted in denial that when he took the dog to the shelter, he didn't even tell them the dog had bit a child because he didn't want his animal to be euthanized! It doesn't bother him one bit that someone with a child could adopt that dog. He doesn't see that by denying the behavioral problems, he's possibly put someone else's child in danger of being attacked! Why?.... cause it must be, some how my fault the dog was aggressive. If I'm not in the situation, the dog will be fine. I'm so exhausted with this. If this man truly believes I'm as horrible as he says I am, why the hell can't we just be done with this relationship? And if he doesn't think all the horrible things he says I am..... is it really such a stretch to actually be nice to your wife? Maybe treat her as if you really did love her? Is that such a crazy thought? I don't think it is. Ok, I'm done venting. Stepping off my soap box now...

Comments

It sounds to me as though you're looking at reading the book as a way of 'being a better wife' for him and I would like to offer you a different perspective. The reason I started reading the book was FOR ME. I have posted why before, but the condensed version is that I was to the point of complete misery. Anxiety was sky high, blood pressure was through the roof, I couldn't function, and I was fading fast. It finally dawned on me, something was wrong with ME that made me react this way to another person's behaviors. Then it dawned on me "finally, something I can fix" and I admit I did completely for survival. I HATED the anxiety and needed to find peace. Period. I was miserable and it was because I am codependent. I also was facing the harsh reality that my marriage might actually end. Threats have been made for years, and we've been at some very low points, but things really were getting down to 'sh!t or get off of the pot' critical mode and I knew if I was going to have the courage to leave I had to stop being so dependent on him for my happiness. Also, I hated the angry person I was and wanted to change it. I wanted so desperately to feel joy again.

Stop trying to figure out his thinking. Stop trying to rationalize your feelings or beliefs. Stand firm in who you are and what you feel and let the chips fall where they may. Agree to disagree...for now. Work on you. You'll kill yourself re-hashing each situation with the precision of a neurosurgeon. Let it go. Move forward. Each new day is a chance to do something better...for you.

I know it seems really strange, but you can find peace even in the middle of the chaos. You just have to learn to believe in yourself again and realize that no matter what he thinks about you or what he feels about your decisions, you are OK. Believe me, I spent many years feeling like the worst monster on the face of this Earth because my husband constantly criticized me, told me I needed to be 'the adult', and made me second guess my motives for every single thought I had about my SD (whom I do not get along with). If I can overcome that kind of 'beat down' and finally know that my thoughts and feelings are OK even if he does not like them, and feel OK about ME even if HE feels I am 'wrong', then I know anyone can overcome the influence of what others think of them.

I think I was just having a really, REALLY rough few days. I was in a bad place and I was frustrated and determined to make a good Thanksgiving for myself. I've been patting myself on the back a lot lately for biting my tongue, shutting up is hard to do for me! I needed somewhere safe to blow steam so that I could hold a calmer composure in front of him. I've learned that I really like having the last word and I seriously underestimated how hard it would be to just let it go. But, I did it! I told him that I know I did my very very best in the situation and I feel good about my efforts. I told him that I completely understood him grieving the loss of his dog, but that if his grief was so intense that he couldn't be courteous or polite, then he should just maintain his distance. I ignored anything after that, in fact I can't even tell you if he tried to engage me. It's a tiny little victory over myself that I'm relishing in. ;D

It's odd, this almost feels a lot like the times I've attempted to quit smoking. You know the people around you aren't doing it on purpose, they don't wake up in the morning thinking, "Ok, that woman is already on edge. Let's see if we can get her to break down and have a cigarette!". But there are moments where you wonder if that's exactly what they're doing!