Posts Tagged ‘Polygyny’

I have no idea. Maybe I should start from the end and work my way back to the beginning… that sounds easier than anything else, I guess. So here goes. I am living in Cairo, Egypt now and I love it. Busy streets, people shuffling from one place to another. All the beautiful sounds of the city, blaring and beeping from sun-up to sundown. I used to dream that I would be here someday, walking these streets. Living this life. I didn’t know how it would ever come about, but it has and I am grateful. I lived for a short time overseas and I loved it so much, but I had to leave and I always desired to return to living amongst the muslims. After returning to the US, I became severely homesick. I was so depressed that, in the end, it started affecting my marriage and my friendships, even the interaction with my children. So, I prayed and prayed about it and finally my husband agreed to let me leave by myself. I figured maybe it would be easier for me to leave and he be in charge of getting everyone over. So we chose Egypt and needless to say it was an excellent choice. There are so many opportunities for study and empowerment here.

The downfall of it all was that a great big chasm grew between my husband and I. He didn’t understand how horrible I felt that we were still in the US. And part of me blamed his adventure in polygyny for our stagnation and damnation to be stuck in darul-kufr. He spent a lot of money that could have went towards our tickets and settling in overseas. I’m sorry but that’s how I felt; that the big “P” had thrown a monkey wrench in our plans. I soon got over it and alhamdulillah was able to see things clearer, but by then the damage was done. I realized a little too late that whatever was for me; was for me and no-one or nothing could prevent me from my qadr. Not money or lack thereof, or a co-wife or the lack thereof, or anyone’s bad feeling or evil wishes. I learned that silently blaming is just as bad as shouting it to the wind. So here I am and actually here we all are. May Allah bless us all and keep our feet firmly on his path, ameen. More later I guess….

Taken from a polygyny group that I’m on… with permission of the owner. A sister asked how to deal with negative feelings and emotions that come with polygyny… very interesting:

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I wasn’t going to post to this thread because I usually just lurk happily in the background and the other sister’s answer was very thorough. However, I feel that there is an interesting factor that escapes most sister’s when they enter polygyny. The feelings that you are feeling come from Shaytan firstly and secondly from a pyschological phenomenon that all of us have and that’s the “fight or flight” response. This is briefly and technically described on wikipaedia here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response. What this means for us is that we feel threatened but we don’t have an enemy to fight or flee from. I can’t be upset with him because this is his right and I agreed to it and I cant fight or flee from here because basically what she is doing is natural and she is not at fault. So we have all of these emotions and feelings circulating that we can’t combat. Stress must be followed by some action to eleviate the stress. For some of us it is sharing our feelings on blogs or in journals. Other’s of us draw closer to our friends or family members. What I did, and it helped me tremendously, I started to court my husband again. I reinvented our relationship and made up in my mind that we were newly married, too. And in a way we were because I was seeing him definetly in a new light. So I spruced myself up, dressed sexy and made the house warm and welcoming for him. And I just enjoyed my husband. Because he remarried doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still love you and respect you and want to be with you. I looked forward to him coming home on my time. I would go to the hairdresser ( my sister-friend who does hair’s kitchen smile) and get my hair done. And I just did us. I didn’t worry about what he did when he left. He was at work. And I made sure that he had something to remember me by until he came back. Don’t be victimized by polygyny, use it as a reason to breath life into your relationship. Don’t flee, fight!!! Fight yourself, and negativity and shaytan. And continue to love your husband and enjoy your relationship.

I grew up with 4 older brothers. Being a daddy’s girl I was privy to and became sensitive to how men think. I used to see my brothers with their girlfriends/wives and think wow, I will never be like these women manipulative and clingy. I stuck close to my father and would listen silently to he and my mother have discussions, arguments and conversations. I realised that what men want and what helps relationships succeed is simple if we women are willing and able to provide it….

Men (or should I say most men) Want:

1. Companionship…. Not mothering. This means a friendship that does not come with reminders of how something was done improperly, micro-management of their time (where have you been, why did it take so long, i told you to be back by…etc.)

2. Love….without conditions. Meaning, a love based on how much he performs to your specifications. Statements like “I could love him so much if he would just stop doing…a.b.c or d, are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

3. Manhood insurance…without the fear of castration. There are actually women out there who compete with their husband and think that they can do it better than they can. They want to handle all of the business, money, affairs and activities that are really the man’s place to handle. Remember a car can only have one driver…

4. Sex without excuses…. Sorry but they just want to when they want to and they don’t want resistance, or excuses (i don’t feel like it/ I have a headache). It’s not about cuddling or bonding for them it’s about relief. When he bought the cow; he expected to get the milk whenever he wanted (as they say). Milk shortages can definitely be a conversation springboard for polygyny.

5. Reliance… without betrayal. They don’t like it when we talk about them behind their backs. Period. So when they’re in the kitchen and they can hear you laughing it up with your sister girlfriend about how stupid and incompetent he is, that’s a deal breaker right there. No man wants to fail in the eyes of his wife, no matter how bungling they may be. And this actually the only area where number 1 does not apply or receives a waiver. Sometimes we have to be how we are with our kids when they make a mistake or fall short. We give them a pass, the better luck next time speech, the “I still believe in you and just because that didn’t work doesn’t mean you are a failure, you’ll have another chance to shine,” speech. Some of us just go ripping into him about how could he do such a stupid thing or don’t you know better than that or the age old “I told you so.”

They also want…

a woman to be a friend and companion

a woman that is comfortable with being who she is

someone that is okay with riding on the passenger side and not always trying to drive

a woman that is down for him and can follow his lead

And don’t kid yourselves sisters, a lot of these points are the same things we want from his side of the relationship as well. But the sooner we get over ourselves the trust will grow quickly and we all can be about the business of loving and enjoying each other.

I am discovering some interesting side-effects to the polygyny experience. I thought once the relationship ended, things just spring back to normal….not! So look out for these side-effects that might take you by surprise.

Relationship Changes: After a husband who has been married for many years enters into polygyny, that relationship is changed forever. Depending upon how your wife looked at you from the begining, it may make her see you in a whole new light. If you were idolized (and I don’t mean shirk people so calm down) she may not look at you so naively ever again. Polygyny highlights your faults and thinking of you as “not as great” as she thought you were may have been the means by which she coped with her hurt feelings.

New Love Awaits: Women who have been involved in a long term relationship may suddenly get the “If he can do it, I can, too” effect. This means that she now feels that she can enjoy a new relationship just like he is doing and may want a divorce even if his relationship in polygyny doesn’t work.

Bye-Bye Baby Blues- Both spouses may go through a semi-depression even if it wasn’t working out for either party. This depression doesn’t stem from lost love or un-returned sentiments. It comes from being on an emotional rollercoaster ride for whatever length of time the relationship lasted and just being physically and mentally (and emotionally) exhausted from the effort it took to try to make it all work out without losing your sanity. This depression can be expressed by either spouse by impatience, frequent arguments, moodiness and other nasty behaviour.

These side effects can be minimized or avoided altogether by men being very careful who they choose as wives, first and any subsequent wife for that matter. A woman who is grounded in her faith will understand the trials that she is going through are from Allah and try to be patient in her test. A woman who is selfish (nafsie) will take it out on her spouse and whoever else is in earshot.

Also, men have to rekindle the relationship with the first wife as well. I liked feeling like my relationship was just as new to me as it was for him and his new wife. My husband did extra special things for me during that time, which made me feel like a newlywed, too. He would take me out to dinner, buy me gifts and just tell me how much he appreciated me and loved me and thought I was sexy and beautiful. And our relationship did not fizzle in the bedroom, it sizzled (sorry for the bluntness) so this made the polygyny aspect not as hard to accept for me. There was no resentment or sense of loss or maltreatment. If a brother wants to have more than one he has to be able to physically and mentally support both relationships.

And a word to first wives: Don’t go feeling sad and down on yourself because your husband has taken another wife. Use that energy (and frustration) and channel it into fixing up your home, taking care of your looks and letting your husband know how great you really are. I never let a day go by that I didn’t look good for my husband. I would make sure the house was clean and smelling nice when came home and that the kids looked nice and were well behaved and gave him something to think about until he came back home on my day.

Polygyny is not the end …. It can be a great begining if the parties involved make it that way.

It’s been a long time since I have made an update here. I’ve been sifting through new feelings, new events and even pondered starting a new blog… pondering doing something new.

But I realised, this is all me. All my experiences. Nothing new at all really. So on that note. Here’s with new with me and my crew.

My husband is scared of polygyny. He was so disappointed by the turn of events in the last episode, he is having a hard time trusting another situation. He (we) put so much into it, only to have it fail…fast. I persuaded him to have another sitdown, but he sabotaged it on purpose…. lololol. He highlighted all of his bad points. So we have agreed to not discuss it.

I am slowy getting over my anger at world events. I’m still angry about it but I believe I have found some balance and comfort in the knowledge that Allah is in control and we are his slaves and he does with us as he pleases. I find comfort in the knowledge that the lives lost are not in vain Allah tells us in his book of truth and guidance:

O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere And say not of those who are slain in the way of Allah. “They are dead.” Nay, they are living, though ye perceive (it) not. Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere, Who say, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”:- They are those on whom (Descend) blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. Surah Baqarah 153-157.

So masha’allah. I am content with what he has decreed for us. For our ummah, and I patiently wait saying “ina’lillahi wa ina’illayhi rajiun”.

New topics to be discussed: Hijrah, Make-up and Marriage bi’ithnillah.

As Ramadhan winds down, my family seeks out the Night of Power. Laylatul Qadr is a special night that signifies our last chance during this special month to be forgiven and have our supplications answered. We stand in prayer in the late hours of the 9th, 7th, 5th, 3rd or last night of the last 10 nights, asking Allah to pardon us our loose tongues, flip lips, arrogant and boastful ways and our ingratitude to all the good Allah allows us in this world. We throw up a heartfelt plea for forgiveness and a lofty station in the next world, even though we know we don’t deserve it. Or as i tell my children, “If Allah gives you what you really deserve, this world would have ceased to exist millions of years ago.” It is only by His mercy that we get jannah, that we are blessed and guided.

This month we fasted, we had family talks and classes about perfecting the salat and we prayed taraweeh in the masjid/qiyamul layl at home. We gave a few iftars and attended some others.

And my husband divorced my co-wife. She asked for the khul’a. He granted it.

I expect he will try to marry again, I am still recovering from the emotions of it all and wondering why it didn’t work after all of the effort and good intentions. Allahu Musta’an.