Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

I See Dead People and I Hear Miniature Monks

2014 has just begun and already I’m confused. Here are some things I can’t figure out so
far:

Noises From My Refrigerator

I am now hearing what sounds like Gregorian chants emanating
from my new refrigerator. I have no idea
how miniature Gregorian monks got inside my Frigidaire, but they are in there
and they are chanting up a storm! Now don’t be alarmed. I am not hearing voices in my head; I am
hearing voices, chanting, melodic, voices, in my fridge. I don’t hear voices in my head; other people may
hear my voice in their heads, which include former teachers, former students,
former bosses and even former girlfriends.
Unfortunately, all those people have some significant mental disorders
which I have absolutely nothing to do with.

I assume these miniature refrigerator monks have to chant to
keep warm inside the fridge. We know
from numerous television commercials that strange things happen when the
refrigerator door is closed including various food products that speak perfect
English. I have quickly opened the door
hoping to catch those monks in mid chant, but they are evidently too fast
for me. So far this is a just a mild
irritation. However, if those monks get
hungry and eat the ham sammich that my woman made for me, then I will have to
take serious action and call the Orkin Man who I assume can exterminate
miniature chanting monks.

Hey, Monks! - Get outta my fridge!

My other option is to try to record the chants and make some
money. I’m sure the CD “Monks Chanting Inside
Don’s Refrigerator” would be a big seller.

My Deodorant Stinks

Recently I noticed my body odor getting worse. This alarmed me because my hygiene practices
had not changed and I was concerned that I had a health issue. I then realized that I was using a new body
wash that I had bought at an outlet store for a very cheap price. Yes it was inexpensive, but it was a former
private label brand from a major drug chain.
So what if it was cheap and discontinued, soap is soap, right?

The body wash was labeled “Fresh Scent” but I really didn’t
know what the scent was because as soon as a worked up a sweat all I smelled
was “me”. So one day I gave myself a big
sniff right after showering. And that’s
when I discovered that the body wash smelled like body odor. Instead of preventing body odor, it gave me
body odor. In effect it wasn’t a deodorant
soap, but an “odorant” soap. I didn’t
stink, my soap did!

So this product was providing the exact opposite of what it
was intended to do. How does something like this even happen? I suspect a
disgruntled employee in the soap factory decided to “stick it to the man”. “You want fresh; I’ll give you fresh
alright!” And now I smell better before
I shower, than afterward.

I’m Not Taking Health Advice From A Living Karkus

There is a healthcare product being advertised on television
by someone named Ted Karkus. This is
very disturbing because I am not going to take any health advice from what is
literally a walking, talking Karkus. I’m
afraid if I use this product, I could end up a Karkus, just like Ted! Karkus
seems enthusiastic, but he is “dead man walking” in my book.

He may be a happy Karkus, but he is still a
Karkus. I will try mystical Chinese
wonder pills that make me irresistible to large Chinese women, before I buy any
product from Mr. Ted (walking death) Karkus.
Why would any healthcare company have a Karkus for its spokesperson? I am so, so, confused.