Weekend Writing Warriors #8sentences

The Weekend Writing Warriors share either 8 sentences over the weekend. Here are mine from the start of a historical novella set in Victorian London called Lily & the Mechanic.

In the last few snippets, Lily entered the Bond Street Bookshop and its illicit sexshop underneath. She has bought their full supply of sheaths while our hero, the ‘mechanic’ was looking through them to make a purchase. He then tries to get her to sell him just one.

London 1898

“No” she croaked defiantly while her defenses crumbled around her.

His face lost its smile “be reasonable madam, one is all I need.”

His hand reached out to the box still on the counter and the attendant, god bless her, slapped it away.

“No” her voice was clearer and projected assuredly even as her limbs were dizzy. One second after another gave her the time to collect her composure.

He looked at her, looked as if he could see right into her, as if he could see past the veil which guarded her from sight and see what was deep on the inside. But no one would see that. Ever.

I know this is for WeWriWa, but you’re missing quite a bit of punctuation and capitalizations.

I’m a little confused as to why she went from so self-assured in the two previous snippets to insecure this time. I can understand the last sentences where he looks at her and she’s hiding something and thinks he may discern what it is from her countenance, but the early parts don’t indicate why she would change so suddenly.

Also, be careful with descriptions of body parts such as “her limbs were dizzy”. While not technically a *wandering body part*, it can be confusing to the reader to see something phrased that way. Maybe try something like:
“No.” Her voice recovered and projected assuredly even as she grew dizzy and her limbs trembled. The seconds ticked by, one after the other, giving her time to collect her composure.

Other than that, its a great story. It has me intrigued as to what she’s hiding and who this man is.

Your prose is lovely 😀 I’m definitely curious why she doesn’t want to sell him a sheath. That’s supposed to be a condom, right? Although this guy sounds like a jerk, so I guess that’s more than enough motivation to turn him down. I especially like the first line because it gives the reader a good glimpse of her character and the situation.

This is a small grammar correction. About this line, ‘”No’ she croaked defiantly while her defenses crumbled around her.” I’m pretty sure you need a comma after, “no.” So it should read like this, ““No,” she croaked defiantly while her defenses crumbled around her. Although maybe you are doing this for a stylistic reason? McCarthy has no dialogue tags and he rarely uses commas, lol. He hates the semi-colon, and I’ve never seen him use it. I don’t like them either.

“He looked at her, looked as if he could see right into her, as if he could see past the veil which guarded her from sight and see what was deep on the inside. But no one would see that. Ever.”
I think it could sound cleaner by taking out some of the repetition. This is how I would phrase it, “He looked at her,as if he could see right into her and past the veil, which guarded her face. Right now he imagined her smirking at him. But no one would see that. Ever.” I don’t know what expression she’s wearing. I just took a guess :$