Soft brain a matter of the heart

Kristi Barlette

Published 5:44 pm, Thursday, August 23, 2012

"What's the password to log on to our bank account?" I asked The Husband — for the fifth time in as many months.

Before I was married — and sharing a bank account and a bed, but not a bathroom (I need my own bathroom) — I not only knew my account number and password so well I could recite them while under anesthesia, but the bank phone number was on speed dial, and folders (yes, actual folders) with each deposit slip and the monthly account summary were filed away in alphabetical order.

Then I got hitched, we merged our bank accounts, and I became completely out-of-touch with finances (and other things). Me, the ultimate bean-counter, can't remember if it's a week I get paid. I forgot to pay the Time Warner Cable bill one month (automatic deduction means this won't happen again), and I can't retain our bank account number, let alone the password for online banking.

Getting married a little later in life meant I had more than a decade of being on my own. I paid my own bills and became a Molly bolt expert. When the kitchen sink leaked, I borrowed a pipe wrench from a colleague, pulled up a YouTube video on sink repair, and got to work. If the lawnmower wasn't cutting properly, I'd flip it over, inspect the blade (then call my father).

I did everything not just because I had to, but because I wanted to. Being on top of each dollar spent, repair made and weed plucked was part of being independent.

Then, life changed, and my brain melted like a soft-serve cone on a hot summer day. And, according to a study out of the UK, turning "stupid" when in a relationship is not entirely unheard of.

The rational part of your brain shuts down when in a love, according to Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Oxford. The study only looked at 17 participants, but it was carried out over the course of 10 years.

Basically, brains were affected by what's called "rose-tinted spectacle syndrome." Hearts take charge when in a relationship, dampening critical faculties and thinking.

Another expert — one here in the United States — has a different explanation for the "soft brain."

Marriage doesn't make you dumb, per se, but rather it creates a mutual dependency, where the two of you are much stronger as a whole, and more capable than either of you were alone, says Robert Epstein, senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology.

Because you and your spouse rely on the other for various kinds of help and support, your own skills and behaviors might appear to deteriorate a bit, he says, but that doesn't mean your brain is done.

"You can each now relax in some areas, because you have the other person to back you up," he says. "This is a good thing, and it has nothing to do with being dumb. By the way, your old capabilities don't really disappear. If your spouse died, your old abilities would eventually come back."

His words not only reassured me, but also the dozens of Times Union blog readers who said that they, too, turned "dumb" after marriage.

Maybe "reliant" is a better word.

Not only do I have to consult The Husband on the bank account password, when my skate wheels rattled, I asked if he would tighten them before I went out again the next morning. A year ago, I would have whipped an Allen wrench out of my fanny pack and taken care of the wiggly wheel on my own.

I also depend on him to rotate the wheels and replace the bearings (two things I used to do) and, until a couple months ago, I didn't even know how to turn on the lawnmower (he's got that John Deere-love, so we don't have your average yard maintenance equipment).

It was reassuring to hear readers say things like "I saw myself 'losing' certain skills after marriage, too. But eventually I realized that each of us was using our best skills more and our weaker skills less, and as a team we're more competent than either of us had been individually. The whole can be greater than the sum of its parts." That one came from a user who goes by "smoothie."

Regular reader Scott said, "Getting married is like buying a new smartphone. You rely on your human smartphone for: Contacts (We've met them before? What's her name again?); Calendar: (When's the party? What time do we have to be there?); and Google: (How do I turn on the DVD with the stereo? What's in that dish? Do I like it?)

"It's a lot more expensive than Siri though! :)"

And, finally, there was the woman who said calling her husband at work for silly things — like how to turn on the stereo — used to make her feel like "an idiot." Now, though, she realizes she doesn't have the responsibility to do everything, and she regains her self-worth by remembering when she was on her own she accomplished everything that needed to be done or fixed in her home — kind of like I did.

"Think of your husband as a wonderful reward for your previous independence," she wrote.