“My Husband Is
Always Angry At Me”

A Little Chat With Husbands – Part 2

By

Craig Bluemel

I am frequently criticized for fingering the husband more
often than the wife, but have no problem standing my ground from
scripture.God’s word commands the
husband to love his wife as Christ does the church, and lay down his life for
her.Until that concept changes, what
need is there to explain further?

1 Peter 3:7 In the same way you married men should live
considerately with your wives, with an intelligent recognition of the marriage
relation, honoring the woman as physically the weaker, but realizing that you
are joint heirs of the grace of life, in order that your prayers may not be
hindered and cut off. Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.AMP

Husbands, here are some very
gritty questions for those of you that want to get real and let God dig deep
and change you.

Is your anger more than
anger?Does it explode into rage for no
apparent reason?

Do you punish your wife with
angry silence?Ouch!Is sarcasm in your arsenal of weapons?

Are you the oldest son in
your family?The only son?The youngest son?

What is your relationship to
your mother like?Did she smother you
emotionally when you were growing up?Did she sabotage your relationships with girlfriends?

If still alive, how does your
mother treat you?Did she interfere
with girlfriend relationships when you were a teenager?Does she interfere with your marriage and
wife?

A husband that fits a
certain mold is likely to be a man that was emotionally smothered by his mother
(or step-mother) while he was growing up, and may have unwittingly been used
(as a boy) as an expressive vent for her.Not all men fit this mold, but if the shoe fits, the effects of a
smothering-mother relationship does not end with childhood and adolescence, but
will continue into your adult life, affecting your marriage and the way you
treat your wife.

A wife whose husband refuses
to be emotionally ‘available’ to her will oftentimes look elsewhere for verbal
intimacy.It is very common in military
families, or in marriage relationships where the husband/father works too much,
or frequently travels and is away from home for extended periods of time.

In the Christian arena, the same
scenario plays itself out when a husband that is a minister is obsessed with
his ministerial duties, and subsequently neglects his wife’s emotional
needs.A minister’s wife is usually
very limited to whom she can share her feelings, primarily because she is the
preacher’s wife, (a potential target for gossip), and she is very likely turn
to her eldest, youngest or her only son to nurture her feelings.Her moral values compromised, she may turn
to another man, but the likelihood is that she will develop verbal intimacy
with her son, since no one considers this behavior inappropriate or evil
because it doesn’t involve anything sexual.

Most of our society is in
TOTAL DENIAL about this problem, which is pandemic, and increasingly I hear of
men whose rage is out of control, and inadvertently can be traced back to the
inappropriate emotional bond with dear-old-mom growing up.

Men that fit this mold typically have much more than
anger management issues; these men have serious rage problems. They feel
trapped in an unspoken emotional tie to their own mother, even if she is no
longer in the land of the living.The
effects are deeply rooted and continue because during their entire childhood,
these mothers used their eldest or only son to establish an unbreakable
emotional bond.

If what I am saying makes you mad, you best keep reading
my friend, because this may be the only way you get set free from the strangle
hold that controls your life and keeps you on a roller coaster on turbulence
and rage.

Whether a woman is married and trying to make up for the
lack in her own marriage, or a single mom seeking consolation, the resulting
impact on the boy is the same.He grows
more and more resentful of his mother’s behavior, even though he maintains that
he loves his mom more than any other person in the world.Deep inside he will resent and in many
cases, even hate her for the rest of his natural life.

What happens years later is that this man’s wife becomes
the object of his resentment toward ‘mother-dear.’If his wife innocently
happens to act a certain way, or say something that he resents, inevitably
it will trigger in his psyche something reminiscent of his mother’s smothering
tactics.This will cause him to lash
out at his wife it a fit of inexplicable rage.Unbeknownst to her, she has triggered his seething-below-the
surface memory of his mother.

I have heard many stories from men whose ‘smothering
mother’ sabotaged every boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage relationship they ever
had.Their smothering mother was
covertly jealous of any other women in their lives, and didn’t want to share
her son-turned-emotional-husband outlet with any other female.

A young man raised in this
smothering-mother environment eventually grows up and gets married, but his
resentment toward his mother does not go away.Until he acknowledges the source of his rage, repents of his sinful
actions and attitudes toward his wife, and seeks reconciliation with her by
humbling himself, and then learns to validate and share his own feelings and
hers, his anger will stay with him all his life, even if the mother dies.

In other words, his
dysfunctional relationship with his mom has become the blueprint and standard
for how he reacts to his wife’s behavior and speech mannerisms.He will never understand what true verbal
intimacy is all about because he has shut off the heart-valve that enables him
to feel.He refuses to acknowledge his
emotional need and hides behind a macho façade, or his work, or sports, or
hobbies… ANYTHING but feeling.

Men that are raised by smothering-mothers learn to shut
off a part of their heart for internal protection.You see, if he opened himself up to feeling and expressing
intimacy as a boy, his mother would pick up on it, and immediately smother him
with her own feelings.Little boys and
even teenagers are not supposed to have their moms spill forth all the intimate
details of their heart; sensing this, they shut down their feelings, tell mom
what she wants to hear so they can make yet one more escape from her presence.

Later in life, this same man
treats his wife just like he did his mother, telling his wife what HE THINKS
she WANTS to hear.Of course he is
wrong, because his wife wants him to share his feelings and emotions
with her.He can’t do this because his
feelings are locked up tight, and only his mom has the key.Inside he is trapped in this mother/son
bond, unless he acknowledges it, and enacts changes.

The reason I explain this to
you is simple.These kinds of men
eventually abuse their wives or girl friends, because they are still angry at
their smothering-mother.The men don’t
realize the origin of their anger, or in most cases, their rage.In fact, if you ask them about their mom,
they’ll tell you she is the greatest woman that ever lived.

Sadly, women married to these men become the object of
their husband’s resentment.whenever
she does or says anything that even remotely reminds him of the way his mother
treated him, he abuses her in a fit of rage, or with angry silence.

For example, let’s say his wife asks him something
innocent like, “How was your day at work honey?”His response is predictable, guarded and often grouchy and he
only says what he thinks she WANTS to hear, “work was fine, and the staff is
making progress on the new project.”Genuinely eager to learn more about his day, she inquires again, “Are
you getting along with Mr. Hyde, the project manager that disagreed with your
input?”In an instant, this simple
discourse turns into an explosion of anger directed (undeservedly) at his wife,
“What the hell difference does it make?I am so sick of you ALWAYS trying to portray me in a negative
light!Just leave me alone!”He may continue to rant and rave, or in some
cases, instead of exploding audibly, he intentionally punishes his inquisitive
wife with ANGRY SILENCE, which left untreated, can become the most volatile and
dangerous kind of anger.So in this
example, the husband’s anger goes from Level 1 to Level 10 in a heartbeat, and
his poor wife is left clueless, hurt, and she feels blamed for doing something
wrong, even though she did nothing deserving of his abuse. Sound
familiar? In this example, the wife’s second question is the TRIGGER or flash
point for the husband’s anger-turned-rage.Her inadvertent inquiry was only to share in her hubby’s day, but his
perception of her probe was as a threat, and so, subconsciously he associated
her questions with the way his smothering mother plugged him with questions
about his day at school as he was growing up. The husband NEVER makes the
connection between smothering-mother’s behavior and his angry reaction to his
wife.

Dear wives, if this analysis
fits your situation and husband, please understand you are not to be held
responsible for HIS anger
problem. He was likely groomed by his mother; out of her own
desperation and want during his childhood and adolescence, his mother imposed
an unhealthy emotional mother/son bond upon him.Because she was a desperate mother/wife whose marital
relationship was waning, particularly in verbal intimacy, she used her eldest
or only son as the outlet for expressing her feelings.

God created and wired human
beings for relationship and for intimacy.He creates women with an absolute NEED for the expression of their innermost
feelings.Men have this need also, but
it is not as strong as it is in a women, and given the fact our misguided
society teaches men to suppress their feelings and emotions (e.g. – “Big boys
don’t cry”), sadly, most men are basically in denial of how they feel.

Women, on the other hand, are
hard-wired by God to share what they feel.Consequently, if a woman gets married to a man doesn’t meet her need for
verbal intimacy, she WILL find an outlet to express herself in one of the
following ways:

An extramarital relationship
(i.e. – adultery)

Sharing with other female
friends

Smothering her eldest, her
youngest or her only son

This emotional ‘smothering’
of the eldest son, or of an only child son also occurs with great frequency in
situations where a single mom is raising children without a
husband/father.Let me say it this
ways, she needs somebody to talk to, to share with, to love and to be loved
by.She doesn’t unload her feelings on
her son with malicious intent.In fact,
it is often difficult to detect when a mother has crossed the line by sharing
with her son.

However, in my opinion, that
forbidden line gets crossed whenever her son begins to develop resentment
toward his mother for smothering him with her own feelings.The smothering-mother’s dysfunctional
behavior can also be detected whenever she is frequently and noticeably
interfering with the boyfriend & girlfriend relationships of her son during
late adolescence without justifiable cause, or any time during his adult life.

By the time a
smothering-mother’s son reaches adolescence, he has become quite adept,
developing verbal skills necessary to communicate exactly what his mom WANTS
TO HEAR, and in the process, he becomes the unwitting participant in an
unhealthy bond with her. The problems escalate during his teen years;
after reaching puberty, he sees the opposite sex differently.Girls no longer have cooties, but are cute
and fun to be with.

Like most all teenage boys, he eventually finds some nice
girl he likes, and to whom is mutually attracted.If and when he does find some young teenage girl he likes, his
adolescent girlfriend will pursue verbal intimacy on an emotional level with
him. She is young, pretty and very naïve, so when he tells her what he
THINKS she WANTS to hear (not his real feelings), she is very impressed, and
sure to inform all her girlfriends how “mature” her new boyfriend is.

Impressed by what their
immature minds perceive to be his mature mannerisms, (e.g. - "Oh Ted knows
how to treat a girl"), the teenage girl is led astray.What she is really hearing Ted say to
her is well rehearsed rhetoric.He is
not mature and he certainly is not sharing his feelings with her.

Ted’s so-called “mature” words
are the byproduct of years of emotional bonding with his mother; out of sheer
necessity he skillfullydeveloped the
art of saying just the "right" things to appease his dear old
smothering-mother. The teenage girls' naivety belies their ignorance and
inability to differentiate between TRUE INTIMACY and what amounts to little
more than an emotional con man.He has
merely developed the verbal skills necessary to appease his smothering mother’s
needs, applying them to his girlfriend in hopes of the payoff (i.e. – sexual
gratification).

For the girl however, his
rhetoric soon grows old as she realizes her boyfriend isn’t really sharing his
own feelings at all.It doesn’t take
very long for his ‘canned’ dialogue to become redundant.He is unmasked when his girlfriend begins to
innocently prod his heart; subconsciously he resents her for doing this,
because it reminds him of what his mother has done all of his life.

It takes only a short period
of time for him to break up with his girlfriend, and move on to the next naïve
teenage girl.Typically, a man like
this is said to, “Love them and leave them.”Emotional intimacy is foreign to him, and is strictly reserved for his smothering-mother.He will never admit to this, but the proof
is evident by his behavior.

Oftentimes in these
'smothering mother' relationships, the son learns how to USE his mother, just
like she uses him. In other words, he tells mom what he thinks mom wants to hear, (which
usually works), and he learns how to manipulate her so that he can get his own
way (this whole process is very codependent and misguided).

So let's say, for example,
the mother comes home from work, and she had a blowout with her boss. She
needs to 'unload' the emotional turbulence inside, and true to form, she
beckons her eldest or only son to come to her, asking how his day went. Then
she carefully steers the conversation in the direction of her own day at work,
and begins to smother her son with all the sordid details of her difficult
adult day (which is totally inappropriate, but not viewed by society as wrong).

I am not saying that the rage
of every Christian husband originates from a smothering-mother
relationship.My rage came from being abused
verbally and physically assaulted as a child, but a traumatic childhood NEVER
justifies getting angry at your wife guys!NEVER!Sure, you are bound to
get angry now and then, but you are also responsible to take care of your
sinful anger BEFORE you go to bed each night.

On the other hand, if this
expose has been an eye-opener to you, then I do have a place for you to begin
resolving your resentment toward your smothering mother.

1.DO NOT ALLOW YOUR ANGER TO ESCALATE; TAKE A TIME-OUT.Walk away, but
don’t stay away.Once anger progresses
past a certain level, it will always escalate and turn into rage due to the
physiology of the human body.

3.IF YOU STILL HAVE A SMOTHERING MOTHER RELATIONSHIP, BREAK
IT OFF.The scripture teaches a man to LEAVE his own father and
mother and then CLEAVE to his wife.So
quit clinging to the past, and don’t allow your mother to dictate what you do
and how you feel.

4.ALWAYS REPENT and
ask forgiveness of your wife FIRST.Then go to God, and ask His forgiveness.If you do this process in reverse, He will not listen to your
plea for mercy (Matthew 5:24 & 6:12, 14).It is not enough to simply say, “I’m sorry honey.”She’s heard that before.You need to hold her gently, nurture her heart,
and pray for her each and every time you hurt her feelings.

5.CONFESS YOUR ANGER PROBLEM TO YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS
IN THE LORD, and have them pray for you,
that you might be healed of the resentment.Anger is a secondary emotion; it is your response to hurt, an insult,
being lied to, etc.If you make a
PRACTICE of OPENLY confessing your anger to brethren that are trustworthy, it
keeps the sin in the light, and weakens the power of any demonic influence, and
above all of this, it keeps you humble and broken.

6.WIVES DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE BLAMED OR ABUSED.If you are a
wife that is being abused by an angry husband, do not allow his anger to
progress and remain in a rage.Separate
if need be, but never allow yourself to be dominated by your husband’s
rage.Nothing you have done warrants
it.

I have witnessed born-again
Christians who try to deal with this kind of rage by rebuking it and calling it
a, “demon of rage.”I have no doubt the
devil fuels such anger, but commanding the devil to leave won’t change the
behavior that causes it.Until the man
with this problem deals with whatever is causing his rage, it will be there,
waiting to explode and unleash a flurry of profanity and hatred.In repentance, you must create an
environment for change: