Kevin’s Controversies: Get mind f*cked

Seniors Daniel Sukinik and Gabe Woolls are known for being proud of wearing their “Living the 5” wristbands that they get from Mr. Rodman. These wristbands are a stylish addition to their everyday outfits and I am graced by the presence of Sukinik and Woolls very often, so I always notice these colorful and unique wristbands. However, I had never thought of them as that significant until I realized their importance randomly as I was walking to AP Comp Gov with Mr. Joy in Mr. Rodman’s room. That’s when I realized that the number five has way more importance than just being a number that you get if you do exceptionally well on an AP exam.

The first step in developing this theory is thinking of the human brain as a fruit. When you eat a fruit, say an apple, you don’t eat the stem. That is why for our purposes, we will forget the brain stem. What we have left is five remaining parts of the brain which are the parietal lobe, the frontal lobe, the occipital lobe, the temporal lobe and the cerebellum. If you are Mr. Grimes, you will know that the parietal lobe deals with awareness, the frontal lobe deals with concentration and problem solving, the occipital lobe deals with vision, the temporal lobe deals with memory and the cerebellum deals with coordination.

Then, it is just a matter of solving the hidden code within the functions of the brains. Let’s start with the parietal lobe and awareness. The parietal lobe processes sensory information such as taste and touch. You need this part of your brain to be aware. In order to be aware, you have to be focused. If you are not using your senses, then it can’t really be said that you are aware. The parietal lobe deals so much with you, therefore we get the letter “u”.

The next section of the brain we will deal with is the temporal lobe and memory. What word typically goes with memory? Recognition. A huge part of memory is retaining information and then later recalling that information to recognize it in your life again. Recognition, retain, recall. The code letter of the temporal lobe is “r”.

Next, we need to look at the frontal lobe which has the functions of concentration and problem solving. In order to problem solve you need to ask yourself a question. That question is “Why?”. For instance, humans always ask “Why are we here?”, “Why is the sky blue?” and “Why have we not encountered aliens yet?” (note: it’s a government cover-up). That is why the letter we derive from the frontal lobe is “y”.

From there, we move on to the occipital lobe which deals with vision. This code letter is pretty obvious. You need your eyes to see, your EYES are important to granting you VISION. What alphabetical letter is most similar to eye? The answer to that question is “i”, therefore the letter we derive from the occipital lobe is “i”.

Finally, we look at the cerebellum and its function of coordination. Both cerebellum and coordination share the letter “c” which is the letter we need to finish off our analysis of the five parts of the brain. We now have five letters. U,R,Y,I,C. Now say those letters aloud so everyone around you can hear. The letter code we derived from the five parts of the brain represents the phrase “you are why I see”. THE NUMBER 5 IS THE REASON WHY I SEE. I now know the meaning behind the the number five and why teachers always ask us to #RULVND5.

If you look at the title of this article you can see that I am not allowed to explicitly curse so I used an asterisk. THE ASTERISK MEANS SOMETHING. This asterisk has five points, just like the colorful “5” posters, and the #LVND5 bracelets. The teachers have a hidden ulterior motive in what they are teaching us. The number five is important for so many more reasons than we originally thought. Who cares about the questions “Do aliens exist?” or “What is moth-man?”. Today in this article, we have developed a whole set of new conspiracy theories… Why are teachers stressing the number five? Do teachers have an ulterior motive in teaching us? ARE THEY A PART OF A SECRET SOCIETY REVOLVING AROUND THE NUMBER FIVE?! We can only speculate the answers to these questions but we will never know the truth.

If you have read this far into the article, I formally thank you for reading. However, I couldn’t resist pulling a fast trick on all of you readers. You probably didn’t notice but if you really think about it, all of you readers just got mind f[ast(uryic)k]ed.

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This is senior Kevin Lu’s 3rd year working for the Pitch. Since last year, he has reclaimed his position of Feature Editor and he is looking forward to a whole new year of managing the feature section.
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