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Lost.

I believe I’m lost, Lord.

Two rings. Forever – part of the Best Friends Forever thing with Len and Chlo.

Stay With Me – My dreams, my faith, my hope, and belief in love.

I thought I’d post a few pictures I edited, but it’ll have to wait, for now, unfortunate you will have to read this. If you want to skip this entire post, it’s fine. I’m not putting it on FB or Twitter. I just need to organize my thoughts.

Because frankly I’m a little lost.

Dear Loh Si En Stephanie

I’d like to thank you for applying to the LASALLE Scholarship. It is
unfortunate that you have not been selected for this scholarship programme.

Indeed, unfortunate. When I read it, I didn’t feel anything. Then the pain starting coming. You know, that sinking feeling in your heart and in your stomach. I didn’t get the scholarship. 21 freaking thousand dollars of school fees. Oh fricking hell.

I tried to pray. I tried to ask God to help give me peace. But this stupid throbbing in the back of my mind kept chanting ‘you didn’t get the scholarship you didn’t get the scholarship’. I know, damn it. It makes me begin to doubt if this is path that I was supposed to take. Lord, why did you let me go so far to stop now? Why did you let me hope, why did You let me even know about the Lasalle scholarship after I failed the NAC one just so I could fail again? What are You trying to tell me? I’M TRYING SO HARD TO HEAR FROM YOU BUT IT APPEARS THAT NOTHING IS HERE. Where are You? I’m trying to hard to trust You. I want to trust You. I want to live this life for You but it’s so hard because there’s no answer. I just can’t see Your plan from down here. And it hurts.

I know that following You doesn’t mean that it’s a smooth road. I know that having You in my life doesn’t instantly make life all cotton candy and rainbows. I know that having You means that I have a peace knowing that my God and my Maker holds my future in His hands and will never let me fall and that there is a HOPE in my life. I know all of that. But I can’t help feeling so scared. And lost. And so hopeless.

Now all I have be stripped away
But to you I remain
To You I remain faithful

I have never heard this song but the words ‘I trust in You’ were ringing in my head as I wrote the post and I youtubed in and I found it. I’m okay. I will be okay. Thank You for reminding me, that all I am is Yours. You are still the awesome mighty God and I will still trust in You. Nothing else matters.

People who read this : If you plan to sms/msn me ‘are you okay?’, I am. Pray for me? 🙂