Gary Oldman Apologizes to the Jews Who Run Hollywood

Gary Oldman's Playboy interview is blowing up online. True to Internet rage form, nobody actually read the interview. They read the selected blurbs and became furious. Then people got furious at the people who got furious, because according to the Social Media Act of 2012, that's a far more erudite position to knee-jerk. The actor's supporters begged everybody to ignore the blurbs and read the full Playboy article but that's a lot of work so everybody just went back to the blurbs and bitched some more. I read the entirety, if for no other reason than to live the joke, I read Playboy for the articles. Which is slightly less of a joke when you consider the alternative is Lindsay Lohan's airbrushed vagina.

The bulk of the Playboy interview involves Oldman offering up some amusing anecdotes about the Planet of the Apes movie he's hawking. Then he bitches about how parents, music, movies, and society aren't nearly as good as they used to be. He even takes on twerking. It's deep. The interview is really just a pro-forma run through the IMDB credits until Gary offhandedly mentions Mel Gibson in relation to film production. The Playboy interviewer brings up the 2006 Gibson DUI incident probably hoping to get something quote worthy. His success:

I don't know about Mel. He got drunk and said a few things, but we've all said those things. We're all fucking hypocrites. That's what I think about it. The policeman who arrested him has never used the word nigger or that fucking Jew? I'm being brutally honest here. It's the hypocrisy of it that drives me crazy. Or maybe I should strike that and say "the N word" and "the F word," though there are two F words now. Alec calling someone an F-A-G in the street while he's pissed off coming out of his building because they won't leave him alone. I don't blame him. So they persecute. Mel Gibson is in a town that's run by Jews and he said the wrong thing because he's actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed him—and doesn't need to feed him anymore because he's got enough dough. He's like an outcast, a leper, you know? But some Jewish guy in his office somewhere hasn't turned and said, "That fucking kraut" or "Fuck those Germans," whatever it is? We all hide and try to be so politically correct. That's what gets me. It's just the sheer hypocrisy of everyone, that we all stand on this thing going, "Isn't that shocking?"

That'd be the moment where Gary Oldman descends from insightful Libertarian hypocrisy slayer to lazy thinker. He fights the cowardice of group think and political correctness with the cliche excrement of 'we're all sinners'. Yes, we're all imperfect. But not all of us commit crimes or run racist or homophobic rants on cops and photographers. Plus, I'm not sure any Jews have said 'that fucking kraut' since the 50's, and then only because the krauts did murder six million of their people in the Holocaust. It seems fair to be a little miffed. Mel Gibson seemed to be doing pretty well in Jew-run Hollywood before 2006 so you'd have to assume his anti-Semitism was born more of twisted logic and Tanqueray than brutal subjugation at the hand of the Goldstein family down the block.

Oldman suggests that Alec Baldwin and Mel Gibson are being persecuted for being politically incorrect as opposed to say, deep rage filled alcoholics. He also maintains that Bill Maher (half-Jew) and Jon Stewart (full Jew) get away with the very same invectives. As if comparing inebriated cathartic venting to staged satirical comedy makes any sense whatsoever. Not to mention there's no record of Maher or Stewart ever calling people coons or faggots in the street. Oldman says Bill Maher once comically referred to Ellen Degeneres as 'the lesbian'. Yeah, that's the same as calling her a fucking dyke and threatening to end her.

Gary Oldman is a smart guy with flawed logic who said some shit he shouldn't have said when he was on a roll. He knows it too. Or maybe he really does believe the Jews meet in deli basements to decide over pastrami who gets what in Hollywood. Either way, he sure fired off one major league ass kissing letter to the Anti-Defamation League in short order:

Dear Gentlemen of the ADL:

I am deeply remorseful that comments I recently made in the Playboy Interview were offensive to many Jewish people. Upon reading my comments in print—I see how insensitive they may be, and how they may indeed contribute to the furtherance of a false stereotype. Anything that contributes to this stereotype is unacceptable, including my own words on the matter. If, during the interview, I had been asked to elaborate on this point I would have pointed out that I had just finished reading Neal Gabler's superb book about the Jews and Hollywood, An Empire of Their Own: How the Jews invented Hollywood. The fact is that our business, and my own career specifically, owes an enormous debt to that contribution.

I hope you will know that this apology is heartfelt, genuine, and that I have an enormous personal affinity for the Jewish people in general, and those specifically in my life. The Jewish People, persecuted thorough the ages, are the first to hear God's voice, and surely are the chosen people.

I would like to sign off with "Shalom Aleichem"—but under the circumstances, perhaps today I lose the right to use that phrase, so I will wish you all peace–Gary Oldman.

Holy crap, talk about a blowjob in the form of an apology. Bieber probably should've hired Oldman to write his mea culpa letter to blacks for singing racist songs on camera. That's some rightful slobber. If I were Gary I'd try to put it all behind me and figure out which disciple I wanted to play in Mel Gibson's next ten movies. The easy money Apes movies won't be calling any more.