2/13/14 Letting Go

Today, I’ve decided to let go of three people in my life. I guess that’s quite too many in one day, when I can hardly let one person go for months. But maybe I chanced upon some much needed revelation that helped me find the courage to let them go.

To the person who was my first.

You were my soul mate. You treasured all my secrets, like I did with yours. And without even talking, we understood each other. I guess it’s safe to say that I fucked up for giving up. That we weren’t a good match. That I didn’t like the person I was when I was with you. I was unhappy and unsatisfied, and there was always something missing. And I chose to let you go before.

And when I did, that meant that you had the freedom to love someone else. And I feel so hurt to be replaced. By someone who I thought was my friend. Of all the billions of people on this planet, you had to pick someone who happens to be my friend. And it hurts that I’m losing you to someone who I shouldn’t be losing you to.

It hurts, but I’m letting you go. I’ve always valued our memories because they were good memories. And while you made it so hard for me to let you go (because your love was the kind of love that was perfect), I have to let you go because you deserve to be with someone who can provide the happiness I never did or can never give you. I have to let you go because you’re happier some place else, somewhere I can’t be with you. And I have to be happy for you.

Our memories will lose meaning, and probably I’ll be forgetting them one by one as we grow farther away from each other. I can’t be stuck in the past anymore, because we’re both different people now. Those were good memories. But I have to let you go.

To the person who I thought was my friend.

I hate you. I hate your guts. And I wish you’d pay for what you did.

But most of all, I hate that you’re choosing him over me. And I hate that he chose you. I hate that our friends have to choose between the two of us. And I hate that I can’t hate you because I don’t have any good reason to, because you’re “perfect” to a fault. So I’m letting you go. I’m choosing my battles, and I think you were never worth it. Maybe our friendship and all the years we’ve known each other never really meant anything to you, and it means so little to you that you’d jump at the opportunity to rebound on a friend’s ex. And I just.. pity you. You must be really miserable to need someone so badly in your life, and to be needed by someone so badly. If anything, I hope that that makes you happy.

To the tragedy that was my big love.

I loved you. Too much, too soon. And all this time, I’ve been working so hard to make it work. Sometimes it just feels like I’m going against what’s meant to be, when I never really believed in any of that fate and destiny bull crap. I wanted it so badly to work because I’ve never loved someone as much as I loved you. Sometimes it feels forced, like I’m the only one who wants this.

And I don’t like the person you’ve become with me. I think that being with me has turned you into the worst version of yourself. You never seemed to find motivation to make it work, to work towards our goals and our future. I’ve done everything. Kulang na lang magpatambling tambling ako at bumuga ng apoy. And I’ll do anything and everything to make it work. But I can’t shake off the feeling that maybe someone somewhere out there would help you be the best version of you, without even lifting a finger. Like that person just being in your world would help you find the motivation to be a better person, something you can’t find when you’re with me or when we’re together. And for that, I’m choosing to let you go. I love you, and I need you, because I have nothing to hold on to without you, nothing to work for and no reason to motivate myself to wake up every morning. All this time, it was hope that kept me going. It was the hope that you’ll want to be better for me and to change for me that made me believe that this would work out.

Letting you go feels like ripping my heart out of my chest. You were the best thing that happened to me, because I learned love when I thought I was incapable of that. I learned how much I can give for love, and how love makes people stronger and makes us ignore our limits. But most of all, you gave me happiness that just being with you made me feel I’ve lived my life without regrets. Being with you made me feel so happy I could die.

So this is me, letting go of the feelings that are weighing me down. I want to choose to be happy now. I deserve to be.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and leave a comment. :) I do hope you can share some of your experiences on letting go. It seems you have mastered the process, and I’d love to read some tips from you.