There's been a cold burst in Nashville the last two weeks that was pretty much unbearable for a bit. The tails of Sandy sent a bunch of wind through town, drying me out and reminding me of Winter nights in my hometown. Los Angeles doesn't have real seasons (aside from Spring and Summer), and while there's no drastic switch in
the weather here, I can definitely feel that things are changing. The air has that fall crispness to
it that lets you know the world is continuing to turn.

I think that might be one of the appeals of Southern California weather. How easy it is to forget that the world keeps turning. How easy it is to stay in that routine.

There
was one day in high school when school was closed due to the wildfires. It was a few days before Halloween, and we were expecting at least two days without school. The weather was eerie. We were covered in smoke clouds, humidity, but a slight coolness in temperature. When Halloween came, so did the rain. I went on a blind date with my friend's little brother that night. I remember that we walked out of the coffee shop at our mall into the middle of the parking structure, I could feel the fall weather all over
my body. I used to hate that feeling-- it reminded me of the first few
weeks of a new school year when you're all uncomfortable in your new
clothes and there's so much uncertainty about the year ahead. Now that
I'm done with school, I welcome this feeling and I welcome the changes
that may present themselves in the new year.

Every year at this time, I look back on all those years of wildfires and awkward weather. And the security bubble. And the dreams I used to have. With all those years ahead of me to do whatever I wanted. And the dwelling. And the sadness. And the happiness. And the ex boyfriends, who always had something to do with Fall weather.

It's been over a year
since I settled down in Nashville and I never thought that this is where
I'd find myself. Still in Nashville, but living a whole new life free
of my ex boyfriends and predictable weather and nostalgia and grudges. I don't
like Nashville, but I am thankful for the life it has afforded me to
live. I'm definitely living a life outside of what I would have dreamed
for myself-- I never thought I'd have an opportunity to work with people
who I admire, I never thought I'd actually get paid to
just be myself... I am remarkably lucky and if this is where changing
will continue to lead me, then bring it on.

As happy and lucky as I feel sometimes, though... it still stings when your ex-boyfriend, who you placed in your Pathetic Losers file years ago, who doesn't have anything to do with your life anymore, who you feel you are strides ahead of in the game of Life, who always had weird commitment issues and is one of the main reasons your self esteem is so bad, gets engaged to be married. It's not sadness, or jealousy, or pain... it's just weird. Just when you think somebody will always be the same thing, even if they don't affect your life at all anymore, even when it doesn't matter and has nothing to do with you... the world keeps turning. Lately, it just feels like it's turning faster and faster... and not bothering to hide itself anymore.