So, as you know, did the naval battle, killed a cultist. But it took SO LONG to weaken the damn place as the fort was huge and the leader kept running and had bodyguards out the wazoo (doing EVERY conquest must take forever), so I didn’t have time to do anything else.

But hey, as a reward for killing that cultist, you get to reveal another cultist! Who has a boat. Yay.

But I started sailing towards the main quest, but, when close to an island, Barabas was all “That’s where my wife saw the witch!” so I pulled in there. I’ll do that next. How hard could it be?

Ha.

Feminina:

I did that island! With the witch! It’s interesting. And not actually that long or complicated. Do it! We’ll talk!

Because otherwise all I did was stuff on Mykonos and Delos that we can’t talk about. Though there are cultists. I have 8 out of 9 shards now! Actually, I should be psyched that I missed a naval battle, since it means I can go back for him and hopefully upgrade my damn spear soon. I have all these skills to upgrade that require the upgraded spear. I have ridiculous numbers of ability points stashed up for it.

Butch:

I shall! We shall!

And it’s right on the way to other stuff. Hooray!

Feminina:

So convenient! It’s going to be great. You’re gonna love it.

I will say, also, that dropping off that lady on Mykonos is a piece of cake, so you can get rid of that annoying diamond.

If you get involved in anything ELSE on Mykonos…

Though I can also advise you that if you get into the quest on Mykonos, romantic possibilities ensue. So if you’re in the mood for love, carry on.

Butch:

Oh, I already see the damn diamond. Right there. Gonna happen.

And “If.” What is this if? There is never if.

I got a lady in every port, dude.

Feminina:

You’re right, that was silly of me. “If.” Ha!

Butch:

You know we well enough.

So many options…..

Feminina:

Yeah. It’s just as well neither of us got tied down with one of those seductive brothers. We’re not ready for that level of commitment yet. We’re young, and there are so many islands to explore!

Butch:

Though I can hear Kassandra’s grandmother now…..

She could’ve had a doctor! A DOCTOR! I wanted my daughter to have married a doctor but NO. First a wolf, then pirates. Kassandra SO got my hopes up and now this. Poets, for heaven’s sake.

Feminina:

But the grandmother’s friends chime in with “maybe she’s just getting it out of her system! Yes, she’s running wild now, but once she’s slept her way through the Greek world, she’ll remember that handsome doctor and go back to settle down.”

Grandmother’s friends can afford to be optimistic. It’s not THEIR potential great-grandchildren we’re talking about, after all.

Butch:

Totally. Some things never change.

I gotta play.

Feminina:

Yes. Play. Go talk to the witch! I’m curious what you make of the witch.

And how was the Baked Bloatfly? Dude, you never reported back on that! The world needs to know!

Butch:

Actually, it was damn good. And vegan, for crissakes. You know me: if I’m saying vegan was damn good, it was damn good. You’d’ve liked it. Maybe the next time you come over.

I’m making venison from the Elder Scrolls cookbook tonight, which is not vegan.

Feminina:

I will so come over JUST for the baked bloatfly. And possibly the Stim-Pak.

Butch:

And the skooma. I got a recipe for skooma.

Feminina:

I’ll come for that. In fact, I’m already on my way. The knocking you’re about to hear at your door will be me, holding out an empty glass. “Please sir, I want some booze!”

Butch:

Though the author of these wonderful cookbooks is a bit enamored with elderflower liqueur. I’m not even sure where to get that, let alone what it tastes like.

Though she does have recipes for DIY nuka cola. Awful lot of work for DIY cola, you ask me.

I’ll stick to booze.

But some are easy: Such as:

Rad-away, which is basically a rum and coke with lime and the interesting addition of nutmeg, Stimpacks, which are basically pomegranate jello shots (this one says “Pairs well with human mishaps”) and SPECIAL, which is simple syrup, apple cider, pomegranate juice (apparently pomegranates survived the war), lemons, elderflower liqueur and champagne.

Skooma sounds better: Simple syrup, vodka, vanilla, dried apricots and cardamom. I’d drink that.But holy shit: This book has instructions for fermenting your own mead. Like, real fucking mead! And how to get it anywhere between 4 and 10 percent alcohol! It even has ways to flavor it! (Says “Pairs well with songs by the fire, a sense of adventure and a drinking horn”).

Somehow I’m guessing what Mr. O’s getting for Xmas. Or his birthday. Or both.

As you likely have nothing, I will say that, regarding the “Tales of Greece” quest, I do mock past me for thinking that these were short (HA!) but I do reiterate that Divine Intervention and A Brother’s Seduction are must plays, and both are found right in the Port of Korinth (not the city. The port part. The eastern port part. By the Krathensomething plains and the ithsmus of Posiden and other words I just can’t be bothered to spell cuz it was just my birthday and I’m old and fuck this week.

Oh, but, as you only look forward to games now, here’s something to look forward to:

And man, my kids were waking me up half the night because they’re kids, and then the alarm went off when I was right in the middle of some weirdass dream (i.e., a dream), and I woke up with a groggy, aged stiffness to rival anyone’s.

Maybe not my 91-year-old grandmother’s. But close.

Butch:

ISN’T IT???? But, let’s face it, it could look like a cardboard box and we’d get it anyway.

We must play!

Dude I had weird dreams last night, too! I thought maybe it was cuz I drank some gin and then took kids benadryl to help me fall asleep, but maybe it’s cuz we’re not playing enough! We’re getting weird! Cuz I have a groggy, aged stiffness to rival yours!

This WEEK man.

Feminina:

It’s true, I would pre-order based on a picture of a brown cardboard box with a couple of knobs drawn on in marker if it said “PS5.” We’re easy marks.

That must be it! Weird dreams because not playing games!

Yet another reason to keep up with a rigorous program of video game playing. It’s FITNESS for the brain.

Butch:

It IS fitness for the brain! Except it doesn’t make your brain sore.

One benefit of having the kids around is excuses to avoid FITNESS.

Though it is nice when the calorie app lets you have more booze cuz you did fitness. Good motivating, calorie app.

Feminina:

“Tell me more about how much booze I’m gaining by giving up this snack, calorie app!”

It should literally just be a direct correspondence, so that it reports everything not in calories but in alcohol units.

Butch:

Wait….calories aren’t alcohol units?

Whoa….just hit me….if the PS5 is V shaped, V is the Roman numeral for 5, right? It’s like the PSV! Maybe it’ll be called that!

Whoa.

Feminina:

Whoa!!!! You’re right! That’s very clever of them. Very, very clever.

Kind of puts the pressure on for the VI, but they’ve got time to worry about that.

Butch:

Subtle and shit.

Unlike here. Took the boys to one of these laser tag places to get them out of the house. It’s loud.

Feminina:

Speaking of chaos, this reminds me I have to respond to a summons for jury duty. Good times!

Well, what with getting everyone back to school, I didn’t have energy for much more than Irish whiskey and Chardonnay, so I certainly hope you did some stuff I’ve already done.

I’m going to go talk to the lady of the night today. That sounds awkward.

As an aside, I’m back to not only doing FITNESS but using the calorie counter app that keeps track of how many calories you have left to eat. Does the fact I find myself not snacking and stuff to save calories for Irish whiskey and Chardonnay a problem? I can’t tell if that’s healthy or not.

Feminina:

That’s…probably healthy? Let’s go with healthy.

I have company hanging around trying to have conversations and stuff, so I didn’t do anything you’ve done OR anything you haven’t done.

Enjoy Korinth! It’s gonna be great.

Butch:

Man….all these obligations….crushing souls and hurting game time and making me shift my caloric intake.

What’s getting me through is the fact that school has started and once it settles down there will be time. I am clinging to that.

Well, that and the shifted caloric intake.

At least I know that if I get ahead of you for a while, it will be a brief while. It always is.

Feminina:

I’ll do my best to race ahead again as soon as I get a chance to play.

Butch:

You don’t have to worry about me being ahead. I WAS ahead for a couple days when we first started, remember? So long ago. Took you, I think, one weekend to blow past me by a couple country miles.

My hotmail ad is for American’s #1 pet insurer. I have no idea how these things happen.

Feminina:

Mine is Miller High Life. The Champagne of Beers.

Ah, that takes me back…to when we talked about Miller High Life in the context of RDR2.

Good times.

Butch:

And I’m back to Victoria’s Secret.

All’s reset with the world.

I gotta play. YOU gotta play. We gotta play.

Feminina:

We gotta. Otherwise…no good can come of that.

Butch:

Ok the two tales I did were called ‘divine intervention’ and ‘a brothers seduction’ and they’re the two best quest lines in the game thus far.

I got nothing. Well, I have tired kids. Not home until 930 last night from the show. One thing I’ll say for this camp: The shows are damn good. I’ll give them that. But late. Very late.

And, when they’re tired, they’re evil.

But it’s cool. They’ll go to bed nice and early and oh wait there’s another, even longer show tonight, and Nugget has a part in the second act.

Tomorrow will be ok, though. Very mellow and oh wait they have their end of camp thing where they’re both in concerts.

Naked Zeus, I beseech you….either save me or strike me down. There’s a ram and maybe a cup of iced coffee in it for you.

Feminina:

Good lord, man.

Honestly, I’m not sure sacrifice will help you: based on this tale of tribulations, I can only assume that you have gravely offended Naked Zeus in the past, and this is your terrible punishment. Legends will be told about it in ages to come. Cautionary legends.

I played some. Bopped around Korinth and the surrounding area, did everything I had to do there except the giant fort on the hill. I’ll go back for that. There’s time. Not like a sinister cult is trying to find and probably murder my mother or anything.

Butch:

You know you’ll likely be back. You’ll do the fort, and the very next quest will be “Go get the thing from that fort…..”

Kevin all “Phew. Glad that’s over. She’s finally gone. I gotta remember to mow the lawn. Well, right after I put this beacon that exploded back together. Hey, Kevin, hand me that hammer. Kevin? Kevin? Kevin, I TOLD you, don’t go near the grass oh where has he gone…hey, what’s that whistling?”

As for my trials and tribulations, it’s cool. As of three tomorrow, camp will be done! So…you know….nothing really happening until school…in a couple of weeks…..

SAVE ME NAKED ZEUS!!!!!!

Feminina:

I still think you need to repent and beg forgiveness for some horrible crime you must have committed to anger Him. Maybe sacrifice a couple of the kids?

Hm. That might be a bit dark, even for us.

Butch:

Yet it would be particularly effective in terms of remedying the issues at hand.

Feminina:

Even if Naked Zeus doesn’t personally respond!

Hard to argue with that kind of efficacy when it comes to prayer.

Butch:

Sometimes, you just gotta make sure Naked Zeus gets the hint.

T SHIRT!!!!!

Oh, and there’s a gathering of the neighborhood friends TOMORROW after the camp thing because they all need to drink away their kid issues, too, and guess who they always nominate to cook shit?

Going to desperately try to find time to get to Korinth this afternoon.

Feminina:

Korinth has so many captains to kill and treasures to loot! You’re gonna love it.

Butch:

Dude, I could’ve had that in Athens. I DID have that in Athens. My sailors are gonna be all “You made us row all the way here, stopping every twelve feet, for this? We could’ve stayed put, man!”

Feminina:

“Quiet, you. You needed the exercise. Can’t have you getting all lazy and sloppy right before we get attacked by pirates again. Trust me, you have to keep up with FITNESS or it’ll haunt you.”

Butch:

It so will!

Though I really don’t have to taunt them with FITNESS. I often (and I assume you do the same) do the trick of “travel speed” then “Ooo! Question Mark! Slow down!”

Ha! Yes. I’ve done that. “Full speed ahead! On second thought slow down, I want to check out that thing over there…”

It’s all about teaching them to respond quickly and accurately. Because when the pirates come, an instant’s hesitation could be fatal!

Butch:

Ergo the irony of me, in the face of every pirate attack, taking forever to a) figure out where they are, b) remembering what buttons to push and c) line up a ram that never works anyway. Sailors all “What NOW we’re chilling? NOW?????”

OK! Played some!

I gotta ask: What did I ever do to you? You KNOW I’m having a rough week. So why? Why did you send me to Korinth?

I’m in Korinth. I went by way of Salamis (aren’t salamis Italian?) (Had to be said) where I did the tomb of Ajax, found a stele, got some cool loot. It was fun. Killed a cultist there, too.

And then went zoop across the bay to Korinth.

Where EVERYTHING is two or three levels above me. First place: Red 23s over them. I’m level 19. The fucking WOLVES outrank me.

Yes, there are question marks. Lots of them. LOTS of them. With baddies who are badder than I am.

Dude.

DUDE.

Feminina:

Oh. Sorry.

I’m level 28! I didn’t realize! You’re keeping up with me in terms of the main story, it didn’t occur to me that you might not also be at the same level. But then, I guess I’ve killed a lot more random captains I found at random question marks, and that adds up.

Apologies, though. Unintentional! Maybe try Megaris? I had a lot of question marks at the far edges of Megaris that I’d missed. Maybe you do too.

Butch:

28????????

There is no Kevin left in Greece.

Nah, dude, I’m going to give you a 50/50 chance of actually doing main quest shit this week at all. If I ever have time to play games again, I’m going back to Attika. At the very least, there’s two cultists there need killin’ and they’re my level. That and maybe a chat with Perikles (who is SO in the cult….we’ll talk….later….) should beef me up some. At least it’ll do it quicker than getting 192 XP per question mark.

Oh he’s on summer vacation! Why didn’t you say so! Makes so much sense now, because there’s nothing like being at home with the kids all day to get wonderful, peaceful, game time!

Feminina:

I hold you as the shining ideal of how well that works, all right. Your soul is hardly crushed at all!

But they’re not home all day, they’ve got daycare and summer adventure camp at school. They’re home some of the time, for sure, but he manages to play some afternoons. Plus the not sleeping means he can also play at night.

Butch:

Yeah, the night playing is a plus. But, as my soul is crushed, I’m usually either a) tired, b) tipsy or, most likely c) both at night.

But again….my kids are/were at camp. But there were chores! Food to make! FITNESS to do! Laundry!

How does he DO it?

Feminina:

I don’t know, I’m not home. But probably not having to drive all over creation to drop people off and pick them up helps. We’re kind of close to everything right now, in the city, so that’s convenient.

If the kids ever want to go someplace COOL, or FUN, that could be a different story. But not my problem hahahahahaha because oh darn I have to work! I’m cruel.

Still standing on the golden statue. That sound you may have heard was my soul, which I did manage to rebuild for a while there, getting crushed again. The kids smell the end of camp. They know. They’re practicing to make each other miserable when they’re home.

But the good news is that Mrs. McP avoided the kids by doing all the chores, so after some FITNESS this morning, I’m gonna play. I just chug through that main story and

HA! Gonna magpie.

Feminina:

Magpie! Do it!

I played, but didn’t progress in the main story, just magpied. It’s the thing to do. Went back and picked up some ainigmata ostraka treasures in Phokis and Megaris, killed the cultist hiding in the bear cave, explored question marks. It turns out I left a lot of question marks in Megaris and Korinth. Someone’s got to check those out.

Play! Play now!

Butch:

Ah, yes. Bear lady. Remember way back when when I said “Dude, don’t worry about tracking down all those question marks on the very outer edges of the map? I told you that you’d have every reason to go there later?

It was cuz of bear lady, way the fuck up there in the middle of nowhere. Would’ve been silly to find that, then have to go all the way back. See?

I’ll go play once I recover from FITNESS! I had been walking just a four mile loop around the town for a while cuz hot and didn’t have much time, but I’ve been trying to get back to the track and the running and man that sucks. Plus haven’t done enough FITNESS this summer cuz of the heat. Need more FITNESS. Lacking FITNESS.

Beverage. Then I’ll play.

Feminina:

Yeah, but is there a bear lady at every single one of those question marks? I doubt it. Sometimes you have to magpie! If you only go to a question mark when you get a quest for it, you’ll never get to some of them.

And this outcome cannot be countenanced.

Beverage good. Hydration is important. Beverage, then magpie.

Butch:

Ok, that was a good beverage. And some magpie.

Ok, so, I have not been to Athens in real life. I’ve always wanted to go. Looked like it had history, culture, great food. My kind of place.

Turns out, all it has is places where you can kill captains and loot treasure. Granted, it seems to have a lot of such places. Indeed, it has more places than I’ve ever seen with those particular activities. But I must say, I was expecting something a tad more….interesting.

I guess if I’m ever in the mood to do nothing but kill captains and loot treasure, I’ll know exactly where to go.

Even the quest I was given was, basically, LEAVE Athens, find a bunch of Spartan forts you’ve likely already found, and, you know, kill captains.

I’m slightly disappointed here.

I gotta ask, though. I know you are both a) a person of great moral character and b) someone obsessed with loot. Thus, the question of whether to STEAL from the Parthenon must have given you at least an ounce of pause. What did you do?

I’ll play a little later. Talk to Herodotus. Did you do that yet? Maybe he’ll give me a quest. Like killing captains.

Ha.

Feminina:

Yeah, Athens is very full of the kind of things we’ve already been doing. I spoke to Herodotus and took a few quests for Pericles (or Perikles, as the game spells it), but haven’t gotten around to finishing them and checking in with him again. That way lies the main quest, I think, but there’s so much to magpie!

Plus I’ve left the big city and gone back to the woods to treasure hunt anyway.

Butch:

You didn’t do ALL these locations, did you?

But you so looted the Parthenon.

So we’re pretty much back in the same place, but for a bunch of question marks? And banging a doctor?

Feminina:

Dude, I got to the doctor. Never fear about that. And no, I haven’t done all the question marks in Athens. Probably fewer than half. Because I went back to previous locations to do THOSE question marks!

So. Many. Question marks.

I’m not sure I even got to the Parthenon. I don’t think I looted it. Although if it had an objective that involved stealing a treasure, I definitely did (or will do) that, because…objective. I can’t say no to that. It’s like an order from the gods.

The REAL gods, not these aliens who hang around pretending to be gods to the Greeks. The gods who programmed this simulation!

Butch:

Nah, man. You just wander in, there’s gold, there’s chests, there’s stealing. Etc. And dude, it’s right behind the golden statue we climbed. Right there! It’s the big fucking thing that looks just like the Parthenon.

Ok, met Pericles and Kleon. On one hand, good on the game for making it rather murky as to whether helping the father of democracy is a good idea. On the other hand, whether it’s a good idea or not, the game is making us help him, isn’t it? We kinda have to help him. Even though he’s a leader, killing him (and, thus, fucking up the whole main story) doesn’t seem to be an option. Yet.

Did the snake bit. Didn’t kill the fishermen. Will likely regret it.

Oh, and Mr. O wasn’t kidding about some of those timed quests being easy money/XP. Decided to do one, or see what it was, at least, and it was “Could you take this to my friend who’s 100 meters away?” and I was all “Uh…ok..” and I did, and boom. 585 drachmae and 2700 XP. And two soft leather. Took two seconds, didn’t even have to fight.

But the doctor!

Ok, handsome doctor aside….did you expect to meet the very oracle who made the prophecy about Kassandra’s family? Especially this early? What did you do there and what do you make of it?

Feminina:

Hm. I honestly don’t remember looting. But I probably did. And since I can’t remember it, I can safely say I didn’t debate with myself about it for even a moment, but went right ahead and looted the Parthenon without a second thought. Because whatever, I need the drachmae to improve my ship! What, I’m supposed to just chill and let all my barbarian/Spartan/Persian-attired crew just die in battle because I didn’t have a beefed up boat?

I think not.

As for the doctor and the oracle, I swear we talked about this before, but it was certainly an interesting development. Kassandra’s brother was condemned to death not even based on the sincere interpretation of the gods’ will, but merely because someone bribed/threatened the oracle to say something.

Enough to make you doubt the whole system.

Oh, and yeah, sometimes those timed quests are total gimmes. I’ve had a couple that were just someone saying “I could use some money because of reasons” and you can give them 50 drachmae and you get 2500 XP or something. So…yeah, fair.

Butch:

Total gimme. I wanted to say “Dude….he’s over there…but hey, it’s your drachmae. Or it was.”

We did talk on the rather manipulative nature of the oracle when we met the current oracle, but in the doctor quest, here we are, face to face with the woman who was the OLD oracle who did the actual prophecy! The doctor was all guilty about the fact that she had lied/manipulated for so long. Indeed, old oracle (was it his mom? Grandmother?) was sitting there all apologetic herself. So yes, we talked on the whole system, but here is the very woman herself who damned Kassandra’s family apologizing. Also lets us know that oracles are rather disposable to the powers that be.

So yes, we talked about the big picture of the system being a sham, but here we have a much more personal connection to it, and the remorse of all involved. Well, one of the people involved and her son/grandson/don’t remember.

This also proves that my level of soul is linked to my level of memory.

I am ashamed. But not really. Cuz my soul.

Feminina:

No reason for shame. Without soul, how can anyone be expected to remember the details of anything?

I blame your children. For basically everything except the things I blame my own children for.

No word from past-you on the location of the keys. But when you find them, post it and future-you will one day be grateful!

Butch:

Really, it would be better advice from past me if he gave me some heads up about which weekends would totally suck. Like, a Friday post that ends with “Hey….just a hunch, I REALLY SHOULD JUST GO FOR A LONG ASSED DRIVE THIS WEEKEND. ALONE.”

I’d read it all “Thank you, past me. Thank you.”

And then Mrs. McP would ask me to do all sorts of shit and the prophecy would come true.

Feminina:

Because, as past-us covered, that’s what prophecies do.

We are helpless to resist.

You’re better off just typing “hunker down, self, it’s going to get soul-crushing” and stocking up on the booze.

Butch:

Dude, I already do that every Friday.

And a lot of other days as well.

Take this week: Last week of camp. That means it’s performance week! Which means supporting my tired assed children. At night. Off to see Nugget in Winnie the Pooh (He’s playing Pooh’s stomach) and Junior play trumpet. This will tire them further.

Then trumpet lessons tomorrow, two more shows Thursday and Friday, end of camp extravaganza on Saturday.

Hunker down. Bring booze.

Lordy knows when I’ll have time to game. All the more reason we should repeat ourselves.

Feminina:

Ugh. Dude. Sorry.

Meanwhile, I’ll be at work. Working quietly. With no children.

Definitely the easy way out.

Butch:

Eh. I don’t mind the shows. This camp really does put on good stuff. It isn’t one of those deals where the art produced is cringy. I’m constantly amazed at the quality of the stuff they do. Junior has even been really inspired (hard not to be) by a kid in the band he’s playing in who is talented as hell, amazing piano player, perfect pitch, great singer….and totally blind. He’s an amazing talent.

So yeah, these shows are a hell of a lot better than the off key end of the year nursery school song fests. I rather enjoy these shows, even without the powerful, disturbing nostalgia.

Sadly, the nice wine I got at the wedding we attended did not help. Part of that was that I didn’t drink it (This is special occasion wine, not restore your soul wine), but it was also because my kids used up all the week’s allotment of good behavior at the wedding and were fresh out of it from then on.

I miss games. Today. I will play today.

Feminina:

Play today. I played some. Got to another region on the map, where everything is killing me instantly because everyone is level 34. Quickly learned to avoid fights, but did a bit of sneaking and stealing (just because I can’t complete the “kill the leader” objective on this camp, doesn’t mean I can’t work on the “loot treasure” one!) and got some icons on my map.

I need to move on to the next “Your Odyssey” mission, which is obviously in a completely different region. I’m only in this one because of magpieing after question marks. As one does.

So basically, I did not advance the story at all, but I ran around and looked at things and got killed a lot! Good times.

Butch:

Dude that’s some serious magpie. You went so off the beaten path that you’re meeting level 34 dudes? Dude. Back to the story with you!

You know, one mechanic that seems different in this game from other AC games (at least, the one I played) is that assassinating isn’t always an instant kill. I tried to assassinate the boss to get the shroudy thing, and I did a lot of damage, sure, but dear me my surprise when he didn’t die. I can’t remember anything in AC4 where “Assassinate” wasn’t “Kill.”

I kinda get why they did it. If you could sneak well enough that you could kill everyone in level 34 land outright, then it would be totally easy to abandon the story completely (you know, like I kinda did in AC4), and they’re trying to have more story than they had in other games. Still, makes assassinating lose a little of its magic.

Feminina:

Yes, that part is cruel. I have also repeatedly run into the fact that a nice sneak attack isn’t an insta-kill on especially tough opponents. (Like the bounty hunter, or the some of the leaders in specific locations, or people who are 26 levels higher than you.) As you say, I kind of understand why they did it, because otherwise it’s just a matter of sneak-assassinating people 26 levels higher than you who are probably associated with challenges you’re supposed to face later in the game.

But it does take the edge of assassination. Although I guess it’s not entirely that–it’s not that ‘assassination’ as a skill doesn’t work on those opponents, it’s that triangle is not ‘assassinate’ on those opponents. It just gets downgraded to a much-less-effective ‘stealth attack.’

So technically, on anyone who’s vulnerable to assassination, assassination still works great! It’s just that a number of people are now not vulnerable to assassination.

Which, again…I get why they did it, in terms of keeping some challenges off-limits at certain levels and stuff. But the thing is, the fact that it applies to some of the opponents who ARE the right level for you basically forces you into melee combat, even if your preferred style is sneaky. And I admit I kind of feel like, “hey, I just want to assassinate! Don’t make me be a tank too!”

But on the other hand, even as it is you’re commenting that every mission is the same, so if every mission could in fact be completed entirely by sneaking (or, I suppose, by sauntering in and hacking everyone), that would make them all EVEN MORE similar. So I suppose I can see why they did it in this case, too.

In previous games in this series there were certainly situations where you couldn’t just assassinate people and would have to resort to melee combat, but if I recall it was usually because there wasn’t anywhere to hide and sneak attack from (or at least, nowhere from which you could assassinate everyone who needed to die), so it was more an environmental limitation than a flat “this person is immune to assassination.”

So, yeah…I mean, again, I understand why they did it, but I’m not entirely a fan. I want to assassinate, man!

Butch:

It is a bit of a disappointment. I did read that the shift in this game to a more witcheresque melee fighting style (for a lot of it) was something people either really liked or really didn’t. I’m too soon to tell, but it certainly is a shift.

In other news, glad I didn’t drink that bottle. Did a little research, and it seems it’s a $100 bottle, which makes it, by far, the most expensive wine I’ve ever held in my hands. Go to a sober wedding and hope the materialistic investment banker cousin is clueless!

Though….I kinda don’t like that I have it. Now, knowing I will likely never have a wine like this again, the pressure is on to make the perfect meal to showcase it.

I will stress about this for months.

Sigh. Why does EVERYTHING stress me out?

Feminina:

Dude! Everything does stress you out. Many things, like your family, you have no control over, but a bottle of wine?

You cook amazing dinners all the time with perfectly fine, less-than-$100 bottles of wine. My theory is, if the wine is that great you don’t even WANT to distract attention from it by making amazing food. Make simple food and let the wine be the star of the occasion.

Either that or my REAL advice is, open it right now, take a big swig, and say to yourself “I am drinking down this delicious $100 stress, so it can trouble me no more!”

I mean, you don’t have to finish the bottle. After your swig, set it aside and share it with Mrs. McP later with the note that it’s “not a bad little wine” and that you previously opened it to let it breathe.

But seriously, either way, you defang this stress right now by refusing to yield to its pressure.

Wine isn’t the boss of you, man! Booze is for clinging to, not for making us even more stressed!

Butch:

You’re right, you’re right. I should cling to booze! And I do (in a completely normal, healthy way)! But there are the relaxing, who gives a fuck properties of cheap assed booze, and then there’s old booze. See, take the night after the wedding. I discovered that Trader Joes makes jalepeno limeade (it’s even organic!) which, let’s face it, exactly no one has ever consumed without mixing it with booze. So I mixed it with good ol’ Cuervo, some inexpensive orange vodka, and drank with abandon! No stress at all!

But when faced with booze that is older than at least one of my children, I’m all “This has been waiting….waiting….it’s been raised longer than my own offspring. This has been waiting for its destiny!”

And this wine is older than TWO of my children!

It’s like the wonder that comes from looking up at the stars, thinking that those photons left their home thousands, millions, BILLIONS of years ago, just to end their journey by hitting the back of your eye. Amazing. Humbling. Awe inspiring.

How can you disrespect the little alcohol photons? How can you make their journey in vain?

Feminina:

By preparing the simplest of humble repasts, the better to provide no distraction from their wonder.

Like, some nice crusty bread, a good cheese, maybe some grapes or strawberries. You set that on a tray. You take that tray to your nice deck with your loving spouse. A citronella candle to chase off the mosquitoes.

Then you sit on the deck, and you open this wine, and you sip it respectfully while gazing up at those stars you just mentioned and enjoying the simple, hearty flavor of the humble bread and cheese as a discreet backdrop to the glorious song of those long-ago grapes.

It’s gonna be great. You’re gonna love it.

Butch:

That…..makes perfect sense. You are a true friend. I mean, I’m keeping this wine for myself, but you are a true friend.

Feminina:

No no, you should keep that wine for your own. I’m just here to give sage advice.

Well, I’m on part two of the epilogue, and, while that is likely not a NEW SENTENCE I certainly hope that’s the last time I have to type it. Ever.

Part two. Of the epilogue.

But hey, at least I didn’t have to build a fence. Watching a cutscene of that was so much more interesting.

Maybe this game just feels guilty for everything it did to you. Now it’s punishing itself. This is some form of terrible self destruction based on guilt and self loathing.

Shit, even Arthur’s last ride, the song, the perfect choices of dialog to return (I still can’t get over how great it was to have the last thing you hear in that montage be a RANDOM NPC saying “Thank you, feller”) is now tainted because it ISN’T THE LAST LONG RIDE WITH A SONG in the damn game! Now, instead of that as a last impression, I have Willie Nelson singing something all peppy and shit.

What IS this?

I’m very glad we aren’t in the minority regarding our opinions on this. I would fear for the whole idea of games as art if people weren’t agreeing with us here.

Feminina:

Sigh. Yeah. I mean, I like Willie Nelson! He has old-hippie cred. But…not right here. Not right now.

I can’t remember where part 2 kicked in, because it all blurred together in an endless daze of “BUT WHY AM I DOING THIS.”

Have you met…anybody yet? Shot some people with Jack? Received the Very Important Goal of this epilogue?

Butch:

I met Uncle, who seems to have moved into my “farm.” I got a telegraph from Sadie, which I imagine will lead to the Very Important Goal of this epilogue.

I did shoot some dudes who jumped me after I said “John Marston” in a post office.

I can see the blur. Part two didn’t even really need to be there. I bought a shack.

No, it was, “some months later” (Dear game, when you’ve already pulled “some years later,” don’t pull “some months later”), THEN I bought a shack, THEN part two popped. Like, what was so important? Maybe that’s the setting for the first game? Maybe people all gasped when they saw Blackwater right at the beginning of this game? I don’t know. It didn’t seem momentous enough to warrant a part two at that point. I even had the Sadie quest! I decided to go get a shack first.

Is this almost over?

Feminina:

Yeah, OK, I remember that part.

I thought that bit where you got in a gunfight after saying “John Marston” in the post office was fairly well done, with the tension of trying to keep Jack both physically safe, and also protected from the full experience of the combat. Like, John doesn’t want his kid exposed to the violence he deals with everyday–or not everyday, anymore, but often enough that it’s not that big a deal to him.

It was a nice demonstration of how John is actually trying to get out of the gunslingers’s life–that rather than seeing this as an opportunity to teach Jack the family business, say, he instead tries to keep him from even having to see it. However much he himself is unable to keep from doing what he does (“what do you want me to do, NOT go shoot a bunch of dudes and get the cattle when the boss asks me to?”), he doesn’t really want his son to follow in his footsteps.

Again, I don’t know why I had to do it here at the end of this game…but it wasn’t a bad character moment.

Almost done…alas, no. You have to build some more stuff, do a lot more ranch chores, hang out with Sadie and so forth. It’s going to be a while.

Butch:

It was a good character moment…yes…it was….

This epilogue isn’t doing anything fundamentally bad, really. It’s just doing things that are very unnecessary, oddly timed, and that take away from the good stuff.

It’s like having a really nice four course meal, and ending with a fantastic dessert. Then, when you think it’s over, the restaurant is “Why no, there’s a kale salad to end!” And it’s a good kale salad, a very good kale salad, but you don’t want the damn kale salad. You want to end the meal on the fantastic dessert.

At least, this time, when the game is doing something objectively well, we can counter with an objective reason why it sucks.

A while? You jest. If you jest, it ain’t funny.

Feminina:

Yes! That’s exactly what it’s like!

This is a very nice kale salad, it’s well seasoned, the kale is fresh, in other circumstances I might have quite enjoyed it, but…WHY IS IT HERE RIGHT NOW?

And I’m sorry. Dude, I’m sorry. But no: it’s a genuine while. There are chores, and random murder quests, and building. It’s a couple of solid hours, at least.

So it’s like, after the oddly timed kale salad, they ALSO bring out…another, even larger kale salad! Also very nicely prepared and with high-quality ingredients!

And you just keep thinking WHAT THE HELL IS THIS DOING HERE RIGHT NOW. I was already full of dessert!

And you want to just get up and leave the table, but at this point you’ve been here so long that you’re committed to seeing it through, so you sigh and pick up your fork. Again.

Butch:

And you’ve already paid for it. Like, say, a seven course prix fixe. Once you hear the last two courses are weird and you want to be done after the first five, really great courses, you’re like “Well, it’s kinda a waste of money and time and all if I just leave…..”

At least if I was in a restaurant, I could get booze with the salad.

Feminina:

It’s true, you did already pay for it, and it’s clear the chef really meant this final menu choice to add something significant to the experience, so you feel you should at least eat it so you can comment on the decision from the position of someone who finished the meal. Doesn’t mean you can’t be baffled by the choice the entire time.

Especially when the epilogue doesn’t even come with a nice, period-appropriate Miller High Life.

Butch:

Now I wanna Miller high life.

Of course, that’s often true on a day when the kids are home early again.

Feminina:

Man, your kids are ALWAYS out early.

Why did you move back to that town again?

Butch:

Uh….it was cheap? No, not that. Uh….diverse? No…that isn’t it…

Uh…..

Feminina:

Keep working on it. I’m sure you had a very valid reason that sounded good at the time.

The plethora of public television channels, perhaps?

Ooh, I bet it was all the divey liquor stores.

Butch:

Nah man. The dive liquor stores and record shops are Lincoln.

The tv stations won’t be good until they take my feedback.

We do have a tea cake shop.

Feminina:

It was probably the tea cakes. That’s why I would have done it.

Butch:

I’ll go with that.

Now I want a tea cake with my Miller high life.

Gotta be a NEW SENTENCE!

Feminina:

Incidentally, as a confirmation that Hotmail is spying on our conversations, my sidebar ad is now Miller Lite.

I think I’m hurt. I mean…am I not classy enough for the champagne of beers, Hotmail? You gotta try to steer me towards the workaday stuff, because I’m just not a High Life kind of person?

Yup. That was some fine fence-buildin’ and horse-ridin’ and bandit-murderin.’ Yessiree.

Have you had any emotional conversations with Abigail? Those are also very meaningful.

This is John Marston. Tryin’ to do right by his family. For approximately 700 hours of game time.

Butch:

Yes. Very emotional.

Sigh.

Game ran fresh out of themes.

Started Edith Finch yet?

Feminina:

Yeah. You can see why I repeatedly wondered to myself “BUT WHY AM I DOING THIS” as I proceeded.

I mean…I guess one could argue that Arthur’s dying wish was to save this family, and so we’re getting to see how that worked out. See whether/how John is able to uphold Arthur’s hopes for him. Whether he’s able to be the husband and father he wants to be.

BUT WHY DO WE HAVE TO PLAY IT RIGHT NOW THOUGH?

And, you know, it’s nice to see how things turn out, and that they all lived, and minor spoiler, you’ll get to meet some other people from John’s past, and it’s nice to see how they’re doing. And maybe you tie off a loose end.

BUT WHY IS IT A WHOLE EXTRA GAME THOUGH?

I do not know. I sincerely do not.

Also, I have not started anything, but I probably will soon. It’s right there, after all. And yes, you should order AC!

I’m going to Chicago this weekend, so I don’t know if I’ll get around to doing it first or if I’ll be too busy thinking about Chicago and packing and so forth this week.

Butch:

Think about Chicago. Pack. Enjoy the sunshine. I’ll finish this this week (I hope…I have to…) and we’ll start AC:O next week, be on the same page for a day or two before you blow right by me.

I’ll order it directly.

Man…this could have been done in an epilogue. Like, a real one. Not a huge assed DLC one.

And what really sucks is the more I think on the “ending” the more I like it.

I think on it a lot, as it is all I have to think about re games lately cuz there isn’t much to think about regarding fence building.

One little nod I’ll give it: During the Jack ride, I was kind of expecting to get jumped. It was very reminiscent of the outing Arthur took with Jack to fish, even to the point of ending up by the stream. That, of course, is where we met Milton. I had my hands ready to go fight wise the whole time. Maybe that was supposed to make me feel a little bit like John, still skittish after all this time. Nicely done.

Totally unnecessary and a waste of my time, but nicely done.

Feminina:

I know. It could so easily have been an actual epilogue! Perhaps complemented by some actual DLC for those who wanted more. Plenty of people probably would have bought that! And they probably would have liked it!

And those of us who wouldn’t bother to buy it would not be in the position now of sitting here making baffled, unhappy noises and having the last few weeks of our bloggage about this game be confusion instead of themes.

I truly don’t understand why they took all the air out of that very nice, tense, emotionally satisfying ending by immediately following it up with 10 hours of ranch chores (and occasional murder! can’t forget the murdering). It just seems like a weird choice.

I mean, stuff happens. Eventually. You get some story about some people. It’s not bad story. And as you say, it’s not badly done: you keep expecting to get jumped even when nothing is going on, which works well with the character’s state of mind. The scenery is pretty. The chores aren’t even especially terrible, I didn’t HATE building fences and it doesn’t really take that long. It could have been fine, in some other context.

It’s just…WHY IS IT HERE AT THE END OF THIS GAME.

Butch:

Preach, sister. Preach.

And, to keep with this “Why isn’t this DLC theme,” didn’t Strawberry itself feel like DLCville? A full city, seen way back at the beginning of the game for a very short period of time, one real set piece, a loose end (Why did Micah kill those two people in their home?) and BOOM, done for the game? Usually, when something is that fleshed out but just seen briefly, that’s the setting for DLC, right? “Oh THAT’S why they had this whole town way over there in the part of the map you wouldn’t ever go back to! They were setting up the DLC!”

I do not get it. They cost themselves money, though. That I get.

Feminina:

And you almost want to give them credit for costing themselves money. Like–they gave up money for this! They must have felt strongly about it! It must be there for some important reason, it must really add something to this game that they felt was critical to the experience!

There was clearly a lot of thought that went into the structure and the narrative and the characters all through the Arthur part of the game, so you have to assume they also thought about the John part and knew it was going to be odd and jarring coming right after Arthur’s death, and they did it anyway on purpose. For some reason.

But…what on earth IS that reason? I just can’t figure it.

OK, because I was genuinely curious, and for discussion, I found someone who reads it completely differently from how we both did.

There are some (very minor) spoilers for the epilogue itself, so I’ll just quote some key bits:

The game’s final 20 hours took on emotional toll on me; everything feels hopeless, and everyone seems doomed.

But the epilogue introduces a major tonal shift after all that gloom. It breathes life back into the soul of the game, replacing the sense of dread and clearing up the phlegmy cough of despair. It also fixes the major pacing and tonal issues that plague the final acts of the main story.

The epilogue is an idyllic respite from the horrors of the doomed Arthur Morgan…

I finish John’s quest just five hours later. … It’s a truly moving story arc that didn’t need 60 hours of development. But I feel more satisfied by those brief hours than everything that came before it. All I need, it turns out, is a sense of purpose.

Huh.

That is pretty much exactly how I did not feel about the epilogue.

I mean, he’s right about the final hours of the main game becoming more and more hopeless and despairing. That is definitely true. And I would argue that is why I was ready for the game to actually be over once it finally ended.

Arthur got a goal for the end of his life (get Abigail, Jack and John out), he succeeded in that goal, he died. Closure. I felt OK about that! And yes, we’ve known for weeks that the game was going to end in tragedy with Arthur dead, and that’s why I was READY TO ACCEPT THAT ENDING when it arrived.

I didn’t need an idyllic respite!

But I must say, at least it’s helpful to have an alternative viewpoint. Perhaps more people in focus testing shared that viewpoint, and they just wanted to not end on the down note of a dead main character.

But guys, come on. If anybody can end on that down note without making fans wail in astonishment, it’s Rockstar. Did you really have to stick a 5-hour happy ending on it? (Also, I feel like it took me more than 5 hours, but whatever, that’s a minor quibble.) You could have stayed with the honest, dark-but-a-hint-of-redemption ending that wrapped up the main story, and people could suck it up dammit, because you’re freaking Rockstar. We EXPECT dark and grim from you!

But whatever. Even Rockstar gotta sell games.

And I guess I don’t begrudge that guy, and other players who share his opinion, their sense of satisfaction and purpose and closure based on the epilogue. I do not share that sense! But perhaps more people do, than do not. And if it makes more people happy, then I guess I can’t argue with their decision to do it that way. Maybe we’re the weird outliers.

While I enjoyed playing as John for this epilogue and seeing how his story feeds into the original game after all these missions, this entire experience did feel…a bit strange to me. My biggest problem was that after spending 50+ hours in Arthur Morgan, he was the character I felt the most invested in, not John, even though I have played RDR1. I understand that Morgan’s story of redemption was all leading to John escaping safely with his family, but adding seven hours of a John story on to the ending of Arthur’s story feels a bit like stealing the limelight.

I don’t have an issue with Red Dead Redemption 2 killing off Arthur Morgan, but if that’s the end of the game, that should be the end of it. When you tack on two chapters worth of epilogue, then Arthur’s story becomes smaller and less important. The protagonist is now just a supporting character in John’s story. That works the other way around because Red Dead Redemption 2 starts with John in a supporting role, but by elevating him to the lead, I’m being told that the story is over and now the work begins of completing the challenges, finding all the collectibles, etc.

Yeah! That!

So I still appreciate the take of that one guy who liked it, but maybe he’s actually the outlier.

While it would be outrageous to condemn Rockstar for wanting to give its loyal audience a ton of fanservice, it’s difficult to deny that the epilogue is a longwinded bore. It spoils the story by ending it on a whimper rather than a bang, and the manner in which it more than overstays its welcome makes newcomers no longer desire to see what happens next.

Burn!

So on that note, have fun with the next 4-7 hours of your game life!

Maybe just keep thinking about the idyllic respite and the sense of purpose.

Butch:

I begrudge that guy! That guy didn’t get the whole fucking metaphor! The whole point is that they are clinging to a DOOMED way of life! If you’re all like “psyche! Not doomed! Very happy!” then what the fuck was the whole game SAYING?

He is stupid. We are smart. And modest. And totally non judgmental.

I believe we hit on fan service, right? We did. We so did.

That and the whole metaphor thing.

Also….on the first guy….

Ok, so the occasional respite from horrors is fine, but not at the end, and not with a different lead. Total, dark, depressing is not always great. But you know? We had that! We had enticing knickers! We had occasional moments of humor! And that’s a) ok and b) the proper place for it in the grand scope of the narrative. If the last thing we did in the story was vaudeville before dropping dead, that would be stupid.

Time and a place, game. Time and a place.

And, you know, the WHOLE METAPHOR thing.

Feminina:

YEAH! Doomed way of life! Enticing knickers in their place! What you said!

We’re brilliant and non-judgmental and totally correct about this.

So…yeah, continue to enjoy this bit that we and many other people agree is barely worth the time it takes to play it.

I mean, I’d even tell you not to bother, except you already suffered the impact of its narrative let-down and you might as well fill in the bit of story it provides, and anyway you’re too much of a completist to just abandon a game 5 hours from the end, even if it is an unsatisfying 5 hours that only detracts from the actual ending.

Butch:

Indeed. I shall press on. After all, disappointment and rage is also blog worthy.

Plus, I’m kind of impressed that this game might manage to have both the best ending I’ve ever seen in a game and the worst. What are the odds?

In other news, the side advertisement on Hotmail for me today is Miller High Life beer.

It looks pretty refreshing. I could use a few.

Feminina:

Miller High Life? The champagne of beers? Classy, man. You better go grab a few of those.

Ha!–that’s a good point. We often talk about endings and what we like and don’t like about how different games handle them. It’s going to be pretty interesting to consider how well this game managed the ending, and then how poorly it managed a second ending.

“Endings: maybe just stick with one” is going to be our takeaway.

Incidentally, were you aware that Miller High Life was introduced in 1903? It’s appropriate to the time period! John Marston could be drinking it!

I mean, if he were living the high life and not slaving away at ranch chores and murder.

Still, way to go with the relevant, timely advertising, Hotmail. Probably by mistake, but who knows…you can’t rule anything out these days.

Butch:

Relevance! Relevant beer!

The champagne of beers. Wonder what I googled to get that ad.

It does look refreshing, though.

Sticking with one ending is pretty good narrative advice. It’s like you were an English major!

I got nothing. Mrs. McP came home early, the kids went nuts, I spent the rest of the night being a shrink and drinking booze. I even missed the end of the sporting event I was interested in.

I gotta play today. I’m getting itchy.

But I gotta buy food, get a haircut, go to the cleaners and, most importantly, buy more booze.

But I gotta play.

Can we talk about Mother’s Day or is that too dull?

Feminina:

I don’t have anything either. I looked wistfully at What Remains of Edith Finch (as you reminded me, free this month, we can play it eventually) while the kids were getting a video, but I had to do lunch stuff. By the time that was done, forget it.

Also, I’d forgotten Mother’s Day was this weekend until last night, so I don’t even have anything to say about that except that I’m a terrible child.

Butch:

Terrible child? Dude. Once you have two, and one is old enough to understand the basics, the day is about you. You are a mother. You can not be terrible this weekend. Mr O, Blasto and Grigio can.

As can I, as I have no fucking idea what to do for both my own mother and the mother of my children. It’s a twofer.

I’d ask you what mothers want, but you’d likely say “I’d be good with a couple hours with the PS4,” which isn’t much of a help in my household.

And the weather looks shitty, so I can’t even grill and satisfy them with cooking.

Going out isn’t an option, cuz the kid’ll be nuts.

Maybe I’ll just let Mrs. McP play some games.

Heh.

Feminina:

I still HAVE a mother, though, man! I’m still supposed to remember my own mother. And my grandmother. And my mother-in-law. And possibly my sisters and sister-in-law who are mothers, although honestly they’re on their own. I’ll send them a text on Sunday.

Yup, I’m a terrible child. And mediocre sister. I’m just going to go with it.

As for what mothers like…probably booze? Mostly?

Make them some fancy cocktails and they’ll never even realize it’s too dreary out to grill.

Butch:

Terrible child, but a great mother. Even if you let them watch weird cartoons. Who doesn’t?

I, however, have to fete my wife. It’s very important to give a mother a day off from making snacks, feeding everyone, doing household chores, putting everyone to bed, making sure everyone has brushed their teeth, that sort of thing. It’s thankless work! And really, celebrating the people who do it once a year is, when you think about it, nowhere near enough.

So here’s to all the mothers out there. Where would we be without them?

Feminina:

Hey, I do some of that! Sometimes!

Oh, sorry. I thought you were being sarcastic. More sarcastic.

I don’t even aim for great. I aspire to be an adequate mother who, before my eventual, inevitable, impalement on a rusty spike, is able to give my children the skills they need to move on and survive in the fungapocalypse.

Butch:

Sarcastic? Never.

Just throwing out observations. Observations laden with irony.

Maybe my kids are already infected. That would explain a lot.

I should just get Mrs. McP a spike for mother’s day.

Feminina:

I’m not sure I can improve on Hotmail’s suggested responses:

“Sorry.”
“I agree with you.”
“Ok.”

I mean…I can’t pick just one, those are all on point. Although I prefer to spell it “OK.”

I mean, I know it’s arguably not a proper acronym because it doesn’t really stand for anything (possibly-apocryphal explanations about ‘oll korrect’ aside), so maybe it’s not WRONG, to spell it with a capital O and a small k, but…no, it’s wrong. It’s just wrong.

All I want for Mother’s Day is for Hotmail to use correct spelling and grammar in my auto-suggested responses. Otherwise, how can I ever trust it to write our blog posts for us?

Random side-thought…do you suppose it IS smart enough to pick up on common nonstandard linguistic habits, like, I don’t know, “lol” for when you want to say something is funny, and to use them in the suggestions for people who themselves use them? For people who habitually use “lol,” will it fill that in as a response for things that the program interprets as potentially amusing?

I can’t test it without sending a lot of messages from another account that I set up just to send lolz from. I’m not going to do that. But someone should work on it and get back to me.

I intentionally use “cuz” in the blog because (intentional linguistic irony, and to show I know how to spell because) I am going for the conversational style that is our blog’s shtick. If we’re going to really get angry at hotmail, then let’s take a moment to mention that it thinks it’s spelling “OK” (or “Okay,” if you like) correctly, but it thinks I’m misspelling shtick. And schlep.

Probably thought Strauss was a-OK (or a-okay if you prefer).

Feminina:

No, no, I DON’T have another account. And I don’t want to set one up for that purpose. Which is only one of the reasons I’m not going to test out the autosuggested responses to various informal linguistic quirks.

I’m OK with okay. I don’t prefer it, but I acknowledge it. If you don’t like anything in all-caps, it’s the way to go. But “Ok” is not O.K.

I have no problem with ‘cuz,’ either. But if you suddenly start spelling it ‘cuzz,’ I’ll think “all right, what the hell is this nonsense?”

Because there’s an established tradition here we gotta work with! Speaking of, “gotta” and “gonna,” I use those all the time. But I don’t spell them got’a and gunna or anything. I spell them the way they’re most commonly spelled, because that’s the way most people are going to recognize them and understand what I mean.

Which is another point: I’m not really trying to lay down the law and say ‘Ok’ is objectively wrong and no one can use it. I mean, I kind of did, but mostly for funny. I don’t actually care if other people write it Ok — I can generally figure out what they mean and they can obviously do what they like.

I’m mostly trying to lay down the law on what I MYSELF would use, the better to educate Hotmail into providing me with plausible autoresponses.

Though this is what we’ve come to. I wish I had played. I didn’t play. I was putting a new weed whacker together. Why’d I buy a house again?

Hey yeah! You do do that with gotta and gonna! OK, now I’m not so down on cuz.

I wouldn’t expect much from Hotmail. Remember, it thinks I’m a Mexican miller high life drinker who likes show tunes. And is always in the market for a new car. Much is getting lost in translation.

Feminina:

Or…is that just what it wants you to think it thinks?

Putting a weed whacker together…dude. You sure know how to live.

Buying a house really sucks the fun out of everything, doesn’t it? I mean, I can’t even properly enjoy the lovely flowers that came up, because I also see all the weeds I’m not pulling. Or whacking.

Maybe I’ll make the children pull weeds on Sunday while I play video games. Now THAT’s a luxurious day for me.

Butch:

Dude, that’s living the dream.

Maybe I’ll let Mrs. McP weed while I play video games. She might actually like that.

It’s a really nice weed whacker! It’s adjustable and cordless and flips up so you can edge and oh who am I kidding. I’m gonna go weep.

Feminina:

I also weep for you, my friend. I weep for you.

And myself. Because of the weeds.

But at least there’s booze! And video games sometimes. Having a room in which to play video games is pretty much the primary purpose of a house.

Sleeping is secondary.

And cocktails for mothers, that’s up there.

Butch:

Oh that’s a given. Holy lord, is that a given.

My mother has cut way back on the red wine cuz of reflux (woman drinks nothing but coffee and red wine, and often goes through the day eating nothing but yogurt and cranberry sauce until dinner….gee, wonder why she got reflux?) but she doesn’t want to give up booze, what, you know, being a mother and all, so I’m trying to up my cocktail game. My mixology chops were pretty much “Pour whiskey in glass. Add an ice cube,” and I was very, very ok with that. Maybe a gin and tonic, maybe a martini if I was feeling really fancy pants, but cocktails? Who needs those? Who even WANTS those?

Turns out, my mother.

I’ve gotten very good at negronis, I must say. That’s been a hit. And cosmos. Old fashioneds have gone over well with my father.

I’ll stick to the whiskey in a glass, though.

Feminina:

Fancy cocktails, fancy finger sandwiches and tiny fancy cookies with gold leaf or something, they’ll feel all decadent and feted, and then they’ll pass out and you can go play games.

It’s gonna be great.

Although that does still leave you on the hook for gold-leafed cookies. Maybe make your dad bring those. He has to chip in too!

Butch:

****pictures father making gold leaf cookies****

****correction: tries to picture father making gold leaf cookies****

****realizes there are limits to the capacity of the human brain****

And, sadly, both mother and wife talk louder when they drink. This is not conducive to game time.

Feminina:

Drat. I thought I was onto something there. But those are significant hurdles, indeed.

Butch:

See? It’s one obstacle after another. This is why you’re always ahead of me. Life just doesn’t want me to play games.

I might as well just have cocktails, too. And by cocktails I mean my specialty: pour whiskey in glass. Add ice cube.

I make a mean one of those.

Had a lot of practice.

Feminina:

No, you’re right. Mix up your mean one of those or three and relax. To the extent that you can, with all the talking and weeding distracting you from video games.