Our eyes are among our most amazing mysteries. Through our eyes, we let the world in. We see beauty — along with what’s not so beautiful. Through our eyes we search for each other, we see each other, and we connect — or at least, we have the potential to connect. We can convey that we’re here, that we’re interested, and that we value the person we’re with in this precious moment.

Eye contact helps infants grow and develop, and healthy emotional attachment is furthered through eye contact with an available and attentive parent. But while we’re wired with a longing to connect, we may not take full advantage of those two hollow openings in our skull, which offer a remarkable capacity to connect us with life. I often hear clients complain that their partner does not make enough eye contact, leaving them feeling lonely and disconnected.

We want to be understood, appreciated, and valued. We think we want to be seen. But do we really? Sometimes, what we most deeply long for is often what we also most fear. Our eyes bring us delight, but they also open us to what can be scary.

When people look at you, what happens inside? How do you feel in your body? Do you welcome eye contact or shrink from it? Is it frightening, tantalizing, or both? At what point do you divert your eyes? Is there something inside you that you don’t want others to see?

Being seen is something we long for. But it can also be terrifying. What might they see? Will they perceive our beauty, goodness, and wonderfulness? Or will they see something ugly about us — our flaws, our unworthiness, our insecurity? Being human, our antennae silently probe for any hint of being shamed and criticized.

"Hell is other people," the renowned philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre famously declared, partly due to their capacity to fix us with their gaze and see us as an object rather than in our own subjectivity. If we quickly look away, we don’t have to bear the brunt of any possible negative perceptions or the shame of being seen in a diminished way.

When you look into another’s eyes, do you notice yourself judging them or simply being with them? Do you tend to put people in a box or look at them with open curiosity, spaciousness, and availability to be contacted?

Perhaps if we practice a more open way of seeing people — staying relaxed with our breath and in our body, allowing our eyes to soften, being with them and letting them in, we’ll notice how our presence allows them to relax and move toward us. The more we hold ourselves with gentleness and caring, the more quiet strength we may find to hold our gaze a little longer, especially with people we feel close to.

Eye contact, along with the connection it may bring, can become a kind of mindfulness practice. We can notice what we’re experiencing in our stomach or heart as we gaze into our lover’s magical eyes. Maybe there’s a delightful sense of warmth and expansiveness, or a fear of losing ourselves.

If it feels right for you, perhaps notice how you feel extending your gaze with your partner. Settling into more relaxed eye contact with a good friend might also bring greater fulfillment.

This doesn’t mean you should stare at people or make them feel uncomfortable. There is a natural rhythm of looking at people and looking away. When it feels right, perhaps we can hold our gaze a little longer, relishing a simple moment of human connection. Life becomes more fulfilling as we become present to the rich connections that are freely available if we awaken to them.

I remember anytime I was feeling disconnected from my therapist, she would always ask me to make eye contact with her, no matter how brief that contact was. It was powerful and scary, but it always helped me to feel more connected, with her and with myself.

would you please be more technical,and actually talk psychology,rather than just posing most questions ???
i opened the link hoping to understand what is reason that oir emotions can be seen through our eyes,but all i got was what : are we afraid of people sseng us ?
what the hell was that ?
we all now eye contact is important,thanks very much .

John Amodeo just read your article about eye contact, its very well written, love your way of expression regarding eyes. i want to ask one thing, i am confused about one, in my institute, there is a girl , i don't know exact she like me or not, before i was not interested in her, but i don't know something internally telling me that girl liked me, she never ever tell me but don't how i get that signal,after knowing this i try to confirmed that, but that girl is very good in hidden her feelings, her way of look sometime assure me she like me, because there is something that i even i cant explain. and that something assure me she like me, kindly explain, here i am over aggregating or at some-point i am right. thank you.

The way an eye contact is made in between two individuals, let you know many things. If a person is confident enough about what he is expressing for, he looks in the eyes of person to tell them, he is giving his best and you can rely on it. Its the best gesture ever one can make.

When you look in someone's eyes deeply, you try to tell them many things without telling them anything. Just take care what are your other gestures while doing so, 'cause they say everything.