Monday, 17 December 2012

WHEN I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU THE MOST I MEANT IT

When i told you i loved you the most i meant it.

When i said that i would wait for you forever, rather than love someone less....i meant that too.

Yesterday i found an old book and i'd written in the back of it as i often do. Mostly i read these extracts and cringe, briefly contemplating what an incredibly douchey teenager i was and i always remember how people unfortunate enough to be responsible for me back then worried a great deal....i never worried about myself of course, i was having a really good time.

These notes however they are mostly v.cheesy and embarassing.... but every once in while i find one that make so much sense it scares the shit out of me that it was me that wrote it in the first place all that time ago and that i could have had the tenacity to know these things when i was younger which is confusing because mostly i feel like i'm only learning it now for the first time. My father always says everything changes and everything stays the same and he's right as he usually is because he's done all of this before and we forget that about our parents.

This is an excerpt from October 2002 written in the back of a book.

'I am forgetting you, i said i never would. I promised.

....i know you less now than before i ever even met you. How does that happen? It's like you're further away from me now than before you ever even existed in my life....like in the beginning we were both in the same universe and somehow afterwards...... our worlds stopped touching.....a geographical shift, great big earth plates sliding awkwardly past each other.. making massive cracks for things we love to fall into and never be seen again.

It's like we were both in the sea and we were together and we loved each other and it was really good and at some stage that i can't remember, you just started drifting away not far at first just a little and then the space between us just got bigger and further and for a bit i could see you..... a seal pup, your round head bobbing in the water, your wet mouth. I would wave even, i was trying to tell you that i would always love you, that when i loved something i loved it forever, i never doubted that you loved me even then and after a while i couldn't see you at all and then i realized i would never see you again...you were gone.

....and the saddest thing about it all, what i hated the most, was that i was okay with that because it was me that was leaving.