LoveBlog - Why You Should Only Tell One Person What Upsets You

So there you are with something that is weighing on your mind. Maybe something from work, maybe something in regards to your relationship, friendships, family etc etc. You're with a group of friends, updating them on your life and unleashing your problems from your mind into the world. It can be great to have a sounding board. My great grandmother used to say "once you're married, you can never go home again." She did not mean in the literal sense, but rather that you cannot bring your problems back to your family. You stay with your significant other and you work them out together. What I have learned from experience, clients and friends is that when they talk to multiple people about their significant other and/or their jobs and the issues they are having, it usually does not end well. There can be miscommunication. For example, you say to your girlfriends over coffee that it's a real problem for you when your significant other doesn't like to cuddle after sex. Of course, you want to talk to someone about this and how it makes you feel. You also want feedback and ideas on how to make the situation better. Maybe you also feel alone on the subject and would like to hear other people whom have had this challenge before. In my opinion, I believe the more people you tell your challenges to, the more difficult your life becomes. Why? For a few different reasons; you are now adding other people into your private relationship by them knowing about details of your private relationship. People pass judgment on your significant other, which can make their opinion of them change or worsen. Lastly, when you’re struggling in a relationship or some aspect of a your relationship, you need support. Sometimes the ones you love, where they do mean well, are not always the best at supporting you.

My suggestion is for you to choose only one person to discuss the topic with. Choose someone that won't judge you or the other person. It can be different people for different aspects or challenges of your life. For example, you have one friend you discuss the issues in your romantic life or parts of your romantic life with. You have one person you choose to talk about work problems with. We don't need to update everyone in our life on all of our challenges. It’s nice to have a discussion on our lives and share parts of ourselves, but it’s not a necessity to share everything. It's not good to hold things in either though, I know. Use your discretion and judgment. If you find you don't have a friend that you can trust, find a therapist. Most likely, you've discussed your challenges with your significant other, but if you haven't, it’s time to open up. If you know don't have someone you feel you can talk about these things in regards to your personal life and work life. I think then it's the perfect time to bring in a professional. Someone you can discuss your inner most thoughts with, they will keep it a secret and help you with direction on your options for what you can do to improve your situation. It doesn't hurt.

Let me further explain my case to help you understand where I am coming from. The more people you include in your story of your personal life or professional life, the more people that are now apart of that part of you. People can be quick to judge others. Maybe in the heat of the moment you tell multiple friends how much you hate your job or how annoying your husband is and that stays with people and begins to add up each time. Where you may forgive and forget, your friends and family do not. Friends and family want you to be happy and see you treated well, so they can be quick to judge and hold resentment towards your significant other, friends and/or employer. The more people involved, the more they can make something that may be a small challenge into something bigger as you end up having to manage everyone you've told in addition to the situation itself. Sometimes these scenarios can even derail your relationship or your job. When you need someone to tell you to keep going and work things out, they do the opposite. Sometimes, I think divorce can be caused by the family and friends. No situation is perfect and maybe they are thinking they are helping and supporting you, but unless you are being abused in some way shape or form (emotional, physical, mental, financial, spiritual) there's a strong reasoning to keep going, keep growing and learning from one another. Your friends may say you don't deserve to be unhappy and they would be right. But that doesn't mean you give up. I've seen people bounce back even after years and years of having cohabitation, where it feels like the two of you are just roommates. I've seen people bounce back better than ever after dealing with infidelity. Point is, if you had love at some point with this person you can have it again. If you're having a challenging time, only talk to one person who will not judge either of you, will be your cheerleader and if you can find them, gives good advice or helpful tips.

If you're thinking that you'll lose friends by not sharing what's going on in your life, know you may be right. But also know, that they may understand. We can't share everything.

Which brings us to this week's Love Tip - You own your challenges. Be selective in the people you share them with.

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Peace, Love & Hugs!Dorothy

Please find the Nantucket Dharma Yoga teacher schedule below, which includes the classes I guide as well as the other teachers. And if you would like a private session with me which includes any combination relationship coaching, self-love, mediation, healing and yoga, contact me at 508-221-3394 or email me,Dorothy@DorothydStover.com.