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Michelle Obama: Barack's Secret Weapon or Arch Enemy?

There's something about other people's secrets... they can rob us completely of our longstanding apathy for the rest of the human race and instead thrust us into an obsessive need to know exactly what was whispered between two parties. It in Lost in Translation, in The Quiet Man, in Brick — whatever unknown words are passed from the mouths of Scarlett Johansson, Maureen O'Hara, and Nora Zehetner to the ears of Bill Murray, John Wayne, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, we just can't stop thinking about. And those are just normal people! What happens when this sort of ordeal involves the President of the United States of America?

If you watched the first round of the presidential debates, you might have caught an eyeful of Michelle Obama delivering a quiet message to her husband following his faceoff with opponent Mitt Romney. Satisfying the nosy nature of the American public, the First Lady has revealed the truth about the simple, sweet words that she spoke to President Barack Obama that night... at least, what she claims to be the truth.

"I gave him a big hug, and I said, 'Way to go,'" Michelle told Ryan Seacrest during a special interview on Tuesday morning's Today, which aired in honor of the upcoming second round of the debates, which airs tonight at 9 PM.

When asked by Seacrest if her husband ever looks to her during these debates, and in turn what sort of visible support she offers, Michelle responded, "I can never tell, but I'm always primed just in case he is." She continued "I'm perched, I'm looking at him, I'm smiling, I'm giving him a thumbs up if he can see it."

We're not completely sold by Mrs. Obama's revelation of what she did, in fact, say to her presidential husband on the night of Wednesday, October 3. "Way to go"? We're supposed to believe that the woman who masterminded (mastermound?) projects like Let's Move! and the White House Kitchen Garden, and her own book American Grown couldn't come up with anything more creative than "Way to go"? We know you've got more up your sleeve than that, Michelle.

Hence all the "signals" she seems to be flashing Barack. These so-called "thumbs ups" and "smiles" ... highly suspicious. But we're not going to stake claims toward a wild conspiracy theory involving the First Lady — that would be ridiculous, idiotic, deranged. No.

We have three conspiracy theories!

Theory #1: She's Pumping In the Answers

Perhaps Michelle is offering her husband some supplementary help with the answering of questions. Could she be wiring in the aid of experts — Cyrano style — and translating them to the POTUS via sophisticated hand motions — The Sting style?

Theory #2: She's Working for the Other Side

Or could she be a double agent, working instead for Mitt Romney? Maybe Michelle has mastered some kind of cerebrally-impeding sign language, unconsciously throwing her poor, unwitting husband off track with her psychological tricks. And that whisper at the end: a cold, threatening layer of icing on the cake.

Theory #3: They're Aliens!

Think about it, this explains everything* — the Obamas are actually ambassadors of an extragalactic species who communicate with their overlords via a series of manual and facial tics, transmitting messages through the vast cosmos to report on the status of their plan for world domination!

So, whatever theory you choose to believe, tune in to tonight's presidential debate to see the mission carried out. The truth is out there...