I'm the only person I know that's lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year.... It's very character-building.Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011), Apple Confidential 2.0~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' ass. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here. You don't.2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.3. I like my pet better than I like most people.4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Sincerely,

Your Owner~~~~~~~~~

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved 30 miles away.

I won't be able to send you the address because the lastGander family that lived here took the house numberswhen they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine.I'm not sure about it.I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,she put a third one in because she heard you have grownanother foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.We were really worried because it took him two hoursto get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.They drowned because they couldn't getthe tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Definitions of words by gender...

THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a jock strap.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

Going up to the 70's today. Grass is starting to turn green, some plants are emerging, Bradford Pear trees are going to bloom soon. Ah, signs of spring. Now we could use some rain.

Susie got her hair cut the other day. Vince found someone who would come to the house. She got all the knots and tangles out and cut her hair shoulder length. Haven't seen it yet. She will be seeing her internist this Friday, so maybe we will get some answers.

I am going in for laser surgery on my left eye. Trying to get it to drain more so the pressure gets down to 13 or lower. Will have to miss orchestra. Appointment at 4 and if it is like the other time, my eye will be blurry for awhile.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day today.

Bets

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Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

I've been up for a bit, but in the kitchen busy. Once I post this, I'll head out to the store to get some lean beef to jerky for Seagy, and then I'll collate my tax paperwork, as that date is nigh. Then, hopefully, I'll get the doggy ones out for a walk, and then I'll come home and collapse.

Bets, I hope it works well for you. So glad Susie could get her hair cut and hope you all get answers asap.

Ana, I hope your head behaves soon. I know you are glad to have weather change, but sorry your head is being

Cailyn, I hope you get a great nap

Back in a bit

edit: Ok, been to the store and back. Have dog jerky working....people jerky marinating...now time to head to the park, and once back, get bread to rising.

Edited by looney4labs (03/31/1401:52 PM)

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"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras

I'm going to make a biiig amazon order -gamesgames, peppermint oil to repel mice because lazy cats sure don't and perhaps a few pet toys. The're writing games for PS4 and some sound so good but are mostly pre order so to bad just wait and wait. Something to live for.

Everybody, keep in good health because it's going to be a great summer after this cold winter. My cousen in Niagara Falls had snow a few days ago. Wow

happy monday all

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I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

afternoon everyone. well for once in this last year i am going to post good news post, hubby and i found out we are going to become great grandparents . yankee, we have been fighting mice here too, hubby is using the sticky baited ones hidden so the dogs can't find. am also using peppermint oil in some spots

Joe, you are just the very best! Thanks so much for those jokes and for sharing them with us. I can always count on you to cheer me up. It was great visiting with you all. I'm not able to be here near as much as I'd like to but I so enjoy it when I can. Thank you all. Love you guys.