'Real-life shark experts' have reassured audiences that Sharknado, a film in which man-eaters devour people after being deposited into their midst by a massive storm and flood, is 'fantasy'. It was a relief to hear that such an imbalance between predator and helpless victim lacks plausibility. It gave rise to hopes that the made-for-cable schlockfest at Lord's over the past four days might also be declared, by real-life something experts, as the work of an underpaid imagination.

The suspension of disbelief only lasted until Shane Watson, after a positive start, installed his front pad in the path of a stumps-bound ball. This show was not just real, but a repeat.

Ashes Test match

Watson's day hadn't started well, with the latest 140-character appraisal from the Warner clan. Watson selfish? Team management might have calmed him down in the way an apologetic function host once said to Greg Chappell, after he had been heckled by an audience member, 'Ignore him, Greg, he drinks too much and just says what everyone else is thinking.'

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To prove his credentials as a team player, Watson took the extraordinary step of not asking for his lbw decision to be reviewed, even though he had hit the ball around the same time it struck his pad. He then skipped to the Pavilion with a bright smile, cleaned all the boys' boots, and gave his captain a shoulder massage.

In fairness, Watson bowled whole-heartedly in this match and, with scores of 30 and 20, cannot be said to have failed to live up to his record. The Carl Hooper of Australian cricket remains as he ever was, a mercurial talent who would have been an added bonus in a winning team, but is asked to shoulder more than he can handle as a leader in a losing one.

The drift of the last day's play was relieved by some good cricket, mainly but not exclusively from England. Australia did not throw it away as wantonly as they had on Friday. Graeme Swann, so sheepish after his five first-innings wickets, tricked Chris Rogers with the kind of kill that used to send the world into raptures over leg-spin. First, Swann ripped one sideways across the left-hander – has there ever been a day when so many finger-spun balls ended up, unhit, in the hands of first slip? To follow, Swann bowled a ball that even on slow-motion replay looked like another off-break. It missed the footmarks, slid down the slope and took Rogers's off-stump, sending this most experienced batsman back to the Pavilion shivering like a Los Angeleno afraid to leave the cinema.

After lunch, Usman Khawaja and Michael Clarke produced the best partnership of the day, scoring half-centuries and promising a rare sight for Australia, the same two batsmen coming into the Long Room as the pair who had left it. This wasn't to be. Clarke, after surviving a stumping chance and weathering Swann, Stuart Broad and Jimmy Anderson, fell to Joe Root, taking the odds on flicking behind square leg and losing the gamble. Alastair Cook, who

placed himself at leg-slip and took the catch, could give himself a pat on the back for intelligence as well as skill.

Khawaja mastered the nerves that had made a mess of his first innings, and put together a neat 54. Sound in defence and opportunistic on the short ball, he offered a morsel of hope and a good response to the selectors who had discarded him in 2011. If he can play four or five more innings like this in the series, he might discover that elusive sense of belonging.

He lost his wicket in the now-familiar cascade. Scriptwriters are taught to avoid bunching their catastrophes too close together, but in B-grade shockers too much is never enough. So it all tumbled in quick time for Australia, good balls, bad shots, no-shots, good decisions and poor, weird and wonderful DRSs, and of course a bloody-minded last-wicket partnership. And then the crowd went back to real life.

It's a concern for cricket, though, if its premier contest becomes a no-contest. Perhaps not so much for England supporters or players in the near term.

But Ashes cricket has thrived on 130 years of titanic tussles, and even when one side has been markedly stronger than the other the combat has been closer to Sharktopus than Sharknado. A week ago, these same teams played one of the tightest Test matches in history, a thriller. Those who came to Lord's basing their hopes on history will always say that sequels are never as good.

50 comments

Australia is back to rebuilding process. Now is not the time to look for seventeen consecutive wins. This is a young team, if you exclude Rogers. It will be about 5 years before it matures. So for starters, this would be my suggestions - Start on simple and easy steps. Keep the goals smaller first - First, try to stretch the game to five days by playing both innings. Rotate partnership goals between batsmen, one innings at a time - Openers have to score a 100 runs together in one innings even if the rest fall apart. Then one opener and one down batsman. Then the next two and so on. After that try to draw the game. Winning is still quite ways away. May be it can be tried when playing at home. Abroad, just try playing slowly and induce coma on the spectators. Rotate bowlers, by letting them open the innings one at a time with Rogers. There are many more suggestions I can give. But I guess Darren Lehman has different plans. He might start with a barrel of beer and go from there. Australia now probably understands how the other teams must have felt when Waugh and Ponting ruled.

Commenter

Mauryan

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 6:33AM

No, it's not rebuilding. This is the team. Those excuses were for five years ago when the majority of the old guard retired. Now, like England of old, they just keep swapping rubbish with rubbish.

Also I don't understand why people are all about 'it's England's turn now.' They've won three of the last four Ashes series, against much better opposition than what's currently being offered up. If the remaining tests home and away go anything like this, it will be ten years and one series victory for Australia.

Commenter

Andy

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 9:04AM

I finally know what it feels like to be an english cricket fan. As i finally admit defeat and accept that our cricket team will be mediocre for years to come, with ashes whipping after whipping i can now look back on the rubbish english teams of the 90's and early 00's and say "i feel your pain".

Commenter

Luke

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 12:39PM

'This is a young team' - from what I understand, this team's average age is 28 and some months while the English team average age is 29. So it's not like there's a huge difference there...

Commenter

Matthew

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 2:04PM

Australian cricket became to complacent and fat on all the victories.It was obvious to all there was a special generation of players who came together almost at the same time.Zero planning for when these guys started to retire.The rest of the world has caught up,while Cricket Australia sat on there backsides and basked in the glory.I would sack the Australian cricket board,it needs a clean out.

Commenter

Nogo

Location

Ryde

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 7:33AM

Totally agree, time to clean out the whole board and look to the future. Only way to get a real start again.

Commenter

GC_Resident

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 9:05AM

While Australia will say they are rebuilding, this process is not a new one. They've been rebuilding for the past five years and failings have only been papered over by the batting of Clarke, Ponting and Hussey. It wasnt mentioned much at the time but often it was Hussey down the other end of the wicket while Clarke hit his runs. As soon as Hussey retired, I knew England would win the Ashes - he was the only left with any real ticker because he was last person in the Australian team who had had to truly earn his place in the team. The baggy green has been cheapened by this group of pampered pretty boys.

Commenter

Steph

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 8:13AM

This debarcle didn't happen overnight, it was two and half years in the making. The selectors complete incomptetance in the selection processes. CA and Jamie Sutherland failing to respond to the Argus report. Taking the same hacks from NSW with previous Ashe's scars as our top order batsmen, the failed rotation plan, but if it had of been done correctly it would have been a very valuable tool to look at potential new top order batsmen, but sadly the selectors stuffed it up, and only rotated bowlers. England deserve every bit of success, they planed well, and we stuffed up on so many ways leading up to this series

Commenter

phil from melbourne

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 8:28AM

No, they cheerily implemented the Argus report. Its just some of its recommendations were poor ones.

One of those recommendations was to have the captain as a selector, which was always a dubious call even without Clarke's off-field style.

Commenter

Simon

Location

Sydney

Date and time

July 22, 2013, 9:57AM

Time for the Board to be looking to its own renewal and regeneration. Lets see what happens. Of course, there are other layers, not sure if the so-called high performance coach can be tenable. Also the batting coaching staff need a warning.