The Comparison Trap: Can You Use it for Good?

You’re surround by social media messages. Half the time we’re moving so quickly we don’t even realize what and who is stealing our attention.

It used to be that we saw ideal families on TV and in books, but now they’re everywhere. All day long. It doesn’t matter if these so-called ideal families aren’t really as perfect as they seem. We tend to believe something if we keep seeing it again and again.

In fact, we probably embellish the situation and get a little more worked up every time we see this type of thing. Outward appearances are powerful, aren’t they?

Social Media Story Telling

You see that girl across town who’s somehow figured out how to be best friends with her sister, brother and cousin. They live within walking distance of each other. Not only have they figured out the perfect family dynamic, she’s homeschooling the most beautiful kids I’ve ever seen. When they’re not doing fractions, they’re always playing board games, making cookies and…what the hell? This mom even likes to play imagination? She actually likes being Batman? Though who knows how the kids learned about Batman because they only watch TV on Fridays and only for 26 minutes a week.

Next up you see that family away skiing for like the 39th weekend in a row. How do they get so much time off from work and since they barely work how do they afford the lift tickets for their entire family every single weekend?

OMG and that other family is at Disney again? How are they smiling in every picture? Are their kids not monsters when they stay awake until midnight for the parades? Do the parents actually like being surrounded by whiney kids and overcrowded not-very-tasty restaurants? Does the lack of good coffee not get under their skin even after a 10-day trip?

You keep scrolling and see those other gym owners across the country who just don’t stop. They always have a packed gym with super happy members who refer more new members daily. Meanwhile, they’re never actually at their own gym. They’re traveling all over the world, training daily wherever they are and somehow cook perfect meals every night in gorgeous kitchens.

You’re not done yet, there’s also the local adorable couple who goes out to eat at restaurants you didn’t even know existed in your area. You see the pictures of wine and beer and fancy food at least four times a week. They go home to their perfectly decorated and cleaned home after dinner. Their kids fall right asleep and look peaceful and clean every single day. Bedtime must be a breeze because they have time for another glass of wine and some real connection time {no phones!} before bed most nights. The hangovers though? Non-existent. They’re always bright-eyed for their 5am workouts too. They surely must know something I don’t. 😉

Okay… I’m done… for now.

Comparison is Human Nature

Comparison is unavoidable so we might as well figure out a way to use it in our favor, yes? There are always going to be people who are more beautiful, more successful, stronger and better at parenting than you are. That’s okay. Move on.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell you to ditch social media altogether. Sure, I think it’s worth unfollowing the people who make you feel like total crap. However, I also know many of you actually love social media for catching up with friends and unwinding. Plus, some of you probably need to be present on these platforms for work.

Instead, let’s figure out how you can use comparison (which is human nature) to your advantage. Since it’s gonna happen, what about if you choose to use these instincts for for a little motivation boost and a hefty dose of personal growth inspiration?

Here are a few steps you can take when you feel like you’re stuck in a downward spiral of comparing yourself to others. Grab a glass of wine and get ready to dig deep!

Use Comparison for Self Improvement

1. Sit with the feeling.

Let it be. Realize that you can’t think your way out of a feeling problem. Thank you Precision Nutrition for that gem.

Instead notice what it is you’re feeling and then you can decide how you’ll respond.

2. Notice what areas of life you tend to compare most.

For example, are you mostly comparing your appearance to others? Relationship? Social life? Wealth?

This is an indicator of what’s really important to you in life. What are your values? As in, what do you really want deep down that might actually make you HAPPY?

This is a good time to mention, you’ll probably notice you’re most often comparing yourself to others who are like you in many ways. You’re probably not comparing yourself to the wealthiest, most fit woman in the world. You’re probably comparing yourself to someone your age(ish), in your town, in your industry, and/or with kids of similar ages.

3. Decide what it is this person has that you really want.

Once you’ve determined the the general areas that you seem to be stuck in this comparison trap, get a little more specific. What do the people you’re comparing yourself to most have that you really want?

Are you craving more connection in your marriage? Are you seeking better work-life balance? Do you miss seeing your girlfriends on a regular basis? Do you want to make some friends who have kids the same ages as your kids so you can do more family things?

Important to note: they may not have it as together as it appears, but that’s really not what we’re discussing today.

4. Seek connection instead of comparison.

Think about, or better yet, reach out and ask, how this person/these people achieved that thing you so desperately want.

This is a perfect opportunity to use social media for what it’s best at: connection. Maybe she really will have a super awesome tip that will work to make your life just a bit better. Besides, the person who has what you want will probably be flattered if you ask her how the heck she does it all. And making someone’s day is fun.

Alternately, if it’s not so much that you’re looking for what one person has, but a general struggle you seem to be noticing. Can you start sharing about your struggle or what you really want in life? There are so many opportunities to share via video, writing, etc. these days. You never know who you’ll meet, inspire and connect with when you’re transparent and even a bit vulnerable.

5. Set some goals that will help you get what you really want.

And who cares if it’s something others have? That means it’s attainable…and you’re pretty awesome so you can probably get it too. Need help setting goals?

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Try these few steps to start using the unavoidable comparison trap for self-improvement and fostering relationships. Comparing yourself to others doesn’t have to end with jealously, envy and other hostile emotions. Feel what you feel. Control how you respond. Connect with others.

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Hi, I’m Amanda Perry! I'm a mom to two boys and I own a gym, Skill of Strength, with my husband in Chelmsford, MA. I'm passionate about motivating women to become stronger, healthier and happier with exercise and nutrition.