Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I'm trying hard to be positive and get something out of this experience but I really see nothing good. At all. I've been left alone all freakin day today...I feel sick and even when I told the dr. they ignored me. I got like a 10 min. meeting with the dr., nurse, and social worker all at once and that was it for the DAY! Yikes. I don't understand the point. I've spent the last few hours curled up by myself crying. Couldn't I do that at home? Oh and they had an arts and crafts time, but only for ppl that were at a certain status. Everyone else had to stay in their rooms. Grrrrrr. So badly want to go home.

That's where I am. Boy do I know how to hold a birthday party or what?! Party at the hospital! lol

I had a very traumatic ummm...entrance...here (complete w/tons of cops, restraints, and other such craziness) but it seems to be a little better now. I'm surprised and excited they actually have a computer to use. Though I can't get on facebook. Hmph.

Anyway, I know a lot of folks out there have been hoping this would happen, so yeah. I'm alive...that's a plus right? I think? Wait I shouldn't say that, I'm trying to convince them I'm ready to leave! lol

Anyway...even though I know a lot of ppl have wanted me to be here, I feel like I've let a lot of ppl down. I feel like a failure that I couldn't handle things on my own. I don't really know what's gonna happen next...but I'll try to update where possible. Hopefully I'll be home soon....wherever home is going to be. Anxious to sleep in a room by myself so maybe I can get some real rest. (Well, the ER had me in a room to myself...but the whole being attached to the bed makes sleeping difficult! lol)

Sorry I shouldn't joke...it's all just really crazy right now. Thanks for listening. Trying to think positive. Could really really use the support right now through a comment or an email or whatever else. It feels very scary and lonely here right now. :(

Monday, August 29, 2011

This wednesday is my birthday. But I'm not like most people. I'm not excited for it, or making big fun plans. Instead, it's one of my least favorite days.

It's the day my nightmare began.
It's the day that I was treated extra badly as a child. Because it was the day that "the mistake" came into the world.
It's a day that reminds me how far from normal I am. How alone I am.
When the other kids' parents brought cupcakes to school on their kid's bday....i realized what I didn't have.
No one at school knew my birthday. No one brought anything special for me.
At home I prayed they wouldn't remember. I just wanted it to be another day.
I'm not saying this to look for sympathy now. Just trying to explain why it's a dreaded day for me.

Not only that, but bad shit always seems to happen around my birthday. It's a time of transition, and I never have liked transitions. I came into foster care just before my birthday...left on my 18th birthday.

This year it's especially bad. I just can't see what I have to celebrate.

Since my last birthday....

I've uncovered a ton of really really awful memories about my past.
I've been homeless twice.
I've started drinking again.
I'm having flashbacks more often than not.
I'm trying to go back to school but only a week in I'm really not doing well.
And more recently I've pretty well lost all hope and plans for the future.

Basically I've regressed...a lot. Now, at about to turn 27, i'm worse off than when i was a little kid. They tell me it's because now I'm actually dealing with what at the time I only survived out of necessity. Now that my brain has decided i'm safe, I have to actually process it. Thanks a lot brain, I'd like my denial back.

I'm not sure if anything I'm saying makes sense here. All I know is I've fought so hard for so long and I've gotten nowhere. I've tried so hard to do this on my own because i've wanted so badly to make it. Now i'm crashing and burning. I feel like a failure. And I just wish it wasn't happening on my birthday.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Guess I'm making up for lost time here with the post count. Heard a song on the radio that i've heard a bunch of times before. But for some reason the words caught my attention. That was a few days ago. Today thought i'd look up the music video. Didn't realize just how close to home it would hit. Yikes. Strangely empowering but very, very, very triggering.

It's 10am and I'm drinking, so I'm not going to attempt to make a good coherent post right now. Obviously all is not well. Instead I figured I'd post the poem I wrote last night after dealing with flashbacks for many hours. If you're bothered by graphic descriptions of abuse stop now. It's not pretty. But it's what's in my head. Unfortunately very little of what's in my head right now is even remotely pleasant.
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(Giving you space to leave now if you want)
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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Lately I haven't been updating near as much as I had been or want to be. But it's not an issue of lack of stuff happening or things to say. The issue is that I'm so totally trapped with the stuff in my head right now that it's hard to put it in to words to be shared with others. It's a catch 22...the more overwhelmed I am and the more I probably need to get it out here, the less I am able to. For anyone that's reading this though, know I could really use your support right now even though I'm not able to verbalize it too well.

A quick update...

I've started school. I'm taking 4 classes. I like them, but it's going to be absolutely exhausting to keep up with all of them. I haven't decided for sure if I'm staying in school since I've gotten an offer from a friend in another state to spend a couple of months living with her. I may take her up on that if the stress here gets to be too great. Also, in my current mental state, it's REALLY hard to look ahead to the future at all...especially for long term assignments. I've bought books for a couple of classes but that's it. It's hard to convince myself to do any class work.

Housing...I'm running out of days in my current place. I'm going to be busily moving the next few days. Unfortunately I have no idea where to. I've met a friend of one of my classmates (we're actually in 3 classes together) who is looking for a place as well so we're trying to get somewhere together. Unfortunately all the places she wants to live are nowhere close to where I want to be...but she's looking long-term and I'm looking short term so I'm just letting her decide. Since everything's been so difficult for me right now I'm most likely going to head back to my winter job come January.

Mental state...been better. The flashbacks are awful right now. Everything is awful right now. I'm barely hanging on. I've been turned down by multiple therapists which is getting horribly frustrating. Everyone who tells me they can get me help have quickly turned me down. I did hear back from a support group place who said they could also get me therapy but i'm afraid to call them because even calling would be admitting to a lot. But, at least they replied to my email which is more than I can say for most places. I met with a therapist through the school who seems pretty cool. I get 8 free sessions so that can at least get me going. It feels good to at least have someone working for me and hearing me. It will also be good for me because the session is free unless I don't show up and then it's a $20 fine. So i'll have some incentive to go. Also she's agreed to give me a session to talk through my immediate stuff before doing an intake session. That is HUGE for me because 1. my immediate stuff is really, really urgent, and 2. I HATE intake appts and after my last big experience it's hard to trust anyone through them asking me so much personal stuff early on.

I guess that's all for right now. I have some other writing and such i might share later but this seems to be all I can get out right now.

I've started school this week. In one of my classes we had to write an "alpha poem" about ourselves, which means a poem where each line uses the next letter of the alphabet. I hadn't written any poetry in quite a while, and I was surprised by how quickly this came to me. The whole time I was writing it I kept thinking, "I really hope I'm not required to share this. This is getting way too personal!" Not to mention I'd already cried once in class when introducing myself bc the prof asked why I didn't have an address listed on my info form and I had to explain that I'm kinda homeless. (It may have worked to my advantage though...may have found a roommate through a friend of a classmate). Anyway...I kept thinking I would be ok writing it as long as I didn't have to read it out loud. Then the prof calls time and asks if anyone wants to share what they wrote. Turns out I was one of the only ones that had finished the whole assignment, and no one was willing to share what they'd written. The prof kept asking and for some reason I volunteered. I'm weird about poetry...it gets really personal for me and I hate to share it but yet I feel like it's not fully written until it's been shared. I got a little teary as I read it but managed to get through. The class seemed pretty impressed and one classmate even said that it was "a hard act to follow." So..just for fun...here it is for ya'll. (btw I also explained to my class that this is related to my transition and being between houses. They of course aren't aware that it's about a lot more in my head.)

Anxious
But building bravery
Caring
Devoted
Experiencing life.
Facing obstacles.
Where am I Going?
Hungry for more.
In transition
Joking often
Keep serious inside
Living and loving
Making a difference
Not sure where to,
Or even where from.
Possibly lost
Questioning much
Reaching out
Separate selves surviving. Finding strength.
Testing the waters
Undertaking challenges
Vital decisions
Willing to try
EXtreme adventures,
Yield amazing results.
ZIP! ZAP! ZOWIE!

Monday, August 22, 2011

I'm still struggling a lot. Don't have a job or a place to live. Am going to see the dr. this afternoon so hopefully that will help.

I'm just so angry because this would be a hard place for anyone to be in. But I never had a fair shot at being "anyone." I'm having flashbacks almost constantly. I can't sleep because as soon as I get comfortable and start to drift off the flashbacks start. If I do manage to sleep then it's the nightmares. I'm back to drinking fairly regularly. Another wonderful habit offered by my parents.

I just feel so alone. Totally alone. I know I have people that care about me and I appreciate them greatly. But because of what was done to me as a little kid I have no family to turn to. Nowhere that I feel totally safe. Yes I have my foster family but it's different. It's that security that's not there.

I'm just so sad and angry. It feels like my life was ruined before it ever had a chance to begin. I'm trying not to dwell on it but how can you not? How can I get a job when I can't stand to look at myself? How can I expect a roommate to want to live w/me when I can barely stand being around me? How can I focus at school when any "quiet time" sends my brain back to terrifying times. How can I do any of this without sleeping? I know it's up to me to fight this but frankly that pisses me off right now. It wasn't up to me when they hurt me. I was a little kid. But now I have to deal with it for the rest of my life and they get to get rid of me and go on like it's nothing.

Just not fair. And right now I really want it to be. I want someone to take care of me. I need someone to find me a way out of this cus I don't know how.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

It's not good right now. The details are too overwhelming to list. I have an unbelievable amount of stuff that I need to accomplish in the next week or so. It would be overwhelming on the best of days. But right now I'm struggling just to keep breathing throughout the day. There's just too much right now and I'm not sure how i'm going to make it through. Just please think of me....send some good thoughts my way. If you're the praying type, maybe that will help (I'm not the praying type but i'll take whatever might help). I just feel really, really desperate right now. Major life decisions at a time when I can barely process being alive.

Monday, August 8, 2011

So I'm sure you're all wondering what the result was of the whole crossroads decision. And by you all I mean the one or two people that read this blog from time to time. The update is that nothing has really happened and nothing has changed.

I spent thursday night finishing TONS of school stuff before the end of summer deadline that had totally snuck up on me. Due to some really frustrating administrative stuff, I didn't know the deadline until a month ago. Sounds like a long time but we're talking for an entire semester of work. To make matters worse since I haven't really felt a whole lot like living lately, I think I'd figured I wasn't going to be alive 'til the end of the class. So I kinda just stopped putting any work towards it. I tried, but I just couldn't focus at all. So thursday came and I realized I was still alive so I figured I'd better do the work. I worked till I crashed at about 2 or 3 am. I wrote 4 papers in one night and got it all ready to turn in.

So by the time I finished work friday...which happened to be one of the very hardest days since it was closing day and parents day so there was a ton going on....then rushed to the library to print everything...then rushed to campus and got there after the building had closed so had to run around frantically to find someone to let me in...I was in no mood to do much of anything. When I got home I just curled up in bed...didn't even make it to shower or anything. Talked with a friend for a bit...had a drink, and passed out. But I didn't pass out from the drink. No, I drank less than half a drink total (unless I did a REALLY good job hiding the empties from myself!). I don't actually remember falling asleep...I might've just dissociated. But the next thing I knew it was 4am when it had just been 9 or 10:00. So that was the excitement of Friday.

So the big life decision is still out there.

Now to add to the fun...it turns out I misread the deadline for my schoolwork. It was late. It's kind of a weird situation though. The work isn't actually due until next year (self paced...I get a year to complete the class). However it's a pre-requisite for all the classes I need to take in the fall, and it all needed to be in by thursday in order to count as being completed in the summer to count towards fall. I asked for an extension but unfortunately the professor really seems to dislike me. She didn't even want me in the class to begin with. (long story). I'm still trying to argue it...I have to pass the class w/a D or better for it to be a pre-req. I know I had more than 60% of the work turned in by the deadline, so maybe they could count that 60% as the D or better but then still give me the final grade I deserve for doing all the work. I'm just so stressed and frustrated, because w/out this class I can't take ANYTHING this fall. This class being available as an independent study in the summer is one of the big reasons I chose this school even though it happens to be in a city that stresses the hell outta me. And now of course it's way too late to get in anywhere else. I'm trying to fight this but no one will talk to me and I'm working overtime this week so I have basically zero time during business hours to work on it. The professor who is apparently in charge of all this (the one who hates me) is "out of the office" with no more detail given. I'm supposed to contact her when she's back, but she's given no indication as to when that will be. I would understand them treating me like this if i'd been clearly screwing around or if I was a crappy student, but I got a very high A in the online class I took w/her over the winter...100% on all the papers, regular super positive comments on my online discussions (we all KNOW I like to talk online! lol) and started and continued discussions more than just about anyone else. So I feel I've made it clear that I'm here to work hard and I'm a good student. Unfortunately my personal life stuff has made it really really hard to keep up with deadlines but she doesn't seem to get that AT ALL. (Plus, it was a lot of really weird, non-descript communication on her end that got me in to this mess of only having a month to begin with).

Since spending this fall as a full time student was the one thing I was really sure on, this is totally throwing me for a loop right now. I was really ready to buckle down and get a bunch of credits out of the way. Now I don't know if I should be looking for a regular full time job, or a fit around school job. I don't know if it's even worth it for me to stay here since this city brings up so much bad stuff for me. But if I moved, where the hell would I go?

Oh and on that note...have I mentioned that my roommate has decided she hates me and is kicking me out of the house? She can't really kick me out, but I refuse to stay somewhere where I'm being treated poorly and feeling uncomfortable. (She says she finds me "creepy", amongst other things). So I'm about to be homeless, jobless, and school-less. Remind me again why I was gonna stop drinking?

I'm really trying not to drink right now bc I know my drunk self won't make a good impression on future roommates. Then again my drunk self is much more social. I'm trying to stay positive and keep trying but it's damn hard right now. Sorry.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

So I'm currently finding myself at a bit of a crossroads...This friday I have two different events going on. One is a party/get together for work, about an hour away since most of the place where I work is based out of a neighboring town. If I go, I will be the designated driver driving the people from my town in a company van. This is my usual role for these kind of events since the ppl at work know I don't drink and it works out well for everyone since I can facilitate the fun for others.

The other event is a party for my softball team. Everyone on my softball team drinks heavily. I can turn it down at the games because I'm focused on softball, but not so much at someone's house. If I go to that party there is no doubt in my mind that I will end up very, very drunk.

But I feel like this friday dilemma is symbolic of something much larger going on in my life right now. I have (so far) managed to avoid drinking today. There's only an hour left in the day, but the thought is still unfortunately very present. Basically, I think that my actions in the next day or two are going to decide where my life goes from here. Maybe that's over-dramatic, maybe not.

For years now I've believed very strongly that sobriety is a necessity for me to be successful in life. But lately, sobriety hasn't been working out so well. I have told only a few trusted people just how bad it's gotten, but I'll give you all an idea here. What triggered my last drinking relapse was the full recollection of some mostly repressed memories of my abusive past. These memories essentially took what happened to me from "pretty bad" to "inconceivable." It makes sense why I blocked them out. I lived them and yet it's still very, very hard for me to believe they really happened. It's hard for me to believe that anyone, but especially parents and relatives, could be so truly evil towards a child.

When I'm sober, it's these memories I have to contend with. I do ok most of the time at work since I'm distracted, but I have ended up pretty badly triggered by very minor comments and actions. Mostly though, the issue is outside of work. When I get home, the panic begins. I can't focus on anything else and the flashbacks begin to invade. The feelings of hopelessness take over. I start to wonder if I'll ever just be "normal" again. I start thinking very strongly about ending my life (don't worry, I have a plan in place if it gets too bad...no one needs to go calling ambulances or anything). Basically I end up feeling like that trapped little girl again with no way out. I become afraid to go anywhere or do anything, because in my eyes everywhere has either a way of hurting me or an opportunity for me to hurt myself. But I don't sleep either, even with all this time at home, because laying down triggers horrible memories, as does darkness. When I do fall asleep, I generally wake up with nightmares. As I'm hoping you're seeing, it's just bad all around. I'm not functioning well. It's hard to find even the smallest thing good since I mostly feel trapped in my own house (and now my own room since my roommate is causing more issues).

So last night I drank. And I smiled. And I laughed. And I sang and danced. Yes it was drinking by myself, which I know is a bad sign, but I felt GOOD by myself for the first time in a very, very long time. I didn't think about death at all. I didn't spend the evening focused on horrible thoughts...I spent the evening having my own little party. And really, we all need times to be happy. No one can live 24/7 in misery. My work makes me happy, but it's different since it's more the distracted from everything else, run on adrenaline because I have to thing...(don't get me wrong, I love my job, but the happiness doesn't reach down to me by myself...it stays at work).

Now obviously there's the issue that with the way I drink it's highly unlikely that it would ever be just a one time fun thing. It's very likely that I'll go back to drinking myself into oblivion and blacking out. I'll hit that point where it doesn't matter what I did while drunk because I won't remember it anyway. It will become an every night kind of routine. Sure it's possible that I could become just an occaisonal drinker, but it's unlikely given my history.

So I guess in a sense I'm choosing between misery now or fun now and misery later. Before now I could convince myself that it will be easier to fight the abuse issues if I'm not also fighting against major addiction issues, but now I'm not so sure. My sober self sits curled up in fear and is unable to do anything. Is that really healthier than my smiling drunk self?

And, since you're probably wondering...I've been trying to get in to therapy. It's been impossibly hard to find someone to take me that I can afford (the cheap places don't deal with my sort of issues it seems). I'm on meds, but they're clearly not doing much to help.

Sorry to ramble but this just seems like an impossible decision. I can't deal with either issue because as soon as I try I'll be attacked by the other. I just don't see a good way out of this.

Ah yes, remembering one of the many "bad parts" of my drinking. Ugh. Really not looking forward to driving a van full of screaming 7 year olds this morning. You'd think this feeling would be enough of a natural consequence for me to not want to drink anymore. If only...