Monday, March 7, 2011

Sorry, Angela Lansbury.

Non-Becky-Co-Worker (out of nowhere): PeeWee’s Big Adventure was the last good movie Tim Burton did… Discuss.

Luke played at the Comet on Monday night. I wanted to say that I’m too old to be going on to bars to watch bands on Monday nights… but the truth is, I never went to bars to see bands on Monday nights.

I was telling a story to Laina and Shana about going to a wedding and Maureen had forgotten the card at home so she just told the bride that if she was still married after a year, she would send the card for her anniversary. Laina, who has never met my sister, responded with “Classic Mō.” A few days later, I was talking to Maureen and her phone died ½ way through the conversation so she posted on my fb wall, “Phone died. Classic Phone.”

Maureen went to get Kevin from the kiddy hot tub (while on the cruise) and as he was getting out the girl in the hot tub screams “Wait, I want my Barbie back!" at which point Kevin reaches down his pants and pulls out the Barbie doll and matching purse, and hands it back to her. Maureen then explained to him that you don’t put Barbie’s down your pants… however, I still think it’s a good rule not to put anything down there. But hey, I’m not a mom.

Kevin also said the other night "I can't wait to go to Tiffany’s birthday!" When Mo said it would be too expensive to fly everyone out - his reply was “Then just take me.”

My new line, in situations in which you're supposed to say "I'll totally kick their ass for you,” is: “I will totally shred their confidence with my wit and sarcasm." It’s more realistic and I don’t feel like such a sham.

Went to Shana’s on Wednesday night for a “50’, filming for a Kitchen Make-over, Party” in a dress I had no business wearing. The majority of the evening’s highlights were highly inappropriate for national television. Including when Laina was standing next to Mark, while Mark was telling a story that included numerous hand gesturing and Laina said, “You’re dangerously close to touching my boobs right now.” This was followed by Mark profusely apologizing while exaggerating his gestures closer to her chest. Later, Laina warned Jen when she was also standing close to Mark, only Jen replied by pushing out her chest, saying, “Why do you think I’m standing here?”

Shana also told us she has a bit of a lesbian crush on her dentist. The last visit she had some work done which would be followed up by a cleaning. While still drugged up a bit, the dentist asked if she wanted to stay in her current chair or wait in another room. Shana chose to stay where she was. Mysteriously, when she eventually got up from the chair, her bra was unhooked. Shana, I’ll say it again, that doesn’t JUST HAPPEN.

Shana served, among other things, mini-hot dogs. At some point, I stated that I needed to cleanse my glass and everyone stopped short. Laina: The wiener jokes have been in abundance without a second thought, but Tiffany says she needs to cleanse her glass and suddenly we all think it’s inappropriate. Me: Seriously, the only thing dirty about me is my martini glass.

Janette: I think the fact that I’m inviting people over to cook their own dinner is enough to ask.

Had a celebratory dinner on Friday night of fun and fondue:

Luke: What do you think they call Pound Cake in London?

Me: Good question.

Cathy: Pound Cake is called Pound Cake in London.

Me: Then why is it called Pound Cake?

Jordan: Maybe it used to cost a Pound?

Shane (to me): You don’t think that’s what it is?

Me: No, but I don’t have a better explanation yet.

Jordan: She’ll come up with one later—like on Monday when she writes the email.

Me: That’s true. Basically all of my quotes are done after the fact so I have more time to sound funny.

I looked it up and it was called pound cake because the original recipe called for an equal pound of each ingredient. After a lengthy article, I then clicked on the recipe to find out how the measured a pound of eggs (you were thinking it too), and nothing was equal.

Shane: So think back… when you think about the 70’s, what do you think of?

(Luke, Cathy and I were clearly coming up blank.)

Shane: Okay… so I don’t know what it is about the 70’s, but every time I think about them, it’s always summer. It’s like the entire decade happened in the summer when it’s warm and sunny outside.

Me: Shane, you were in South Africa in 70’s.

Luke: I do always like to watch That 70’s show at the end of the summer.

In case you didn’t know this already, the house has a tendency to have a lot of distracting and playful things all around. One of the current bits in the kitchen includes Bucky Balls. We keep making things and leaving it for the next person. This guy: Bucky Balls is *almost* as cool as we are. Meanwhile, Shane and Matty decided to use them as face jewelry… which, oddly enough, Jordan and I never thought to do. See, everyone really does add to the madness in their own unique way. I told Shane he can’t have those around the house with babies. After attaching the magnets to their faces, Shane and Cathy predicted that they would have nightmares of magnets synching up their intestines. Chucky has nothing on these powerful toys.

Saturday Night: Party at the Crocodile & Karaoke with Jen’s mom:

Shana: You were cranky. It made me giggle.

Me: That I was cranky, or the fact that I stated “I’m cranky.”

Shana: The fact that you told me.

I think it’s only fair to tell people, especially b/c when I’m cranky, I get annoyed so easily—and it’s never about anything that someone else has done… it’s more about “I’ve been waiting outside for a ½ hour and now I’m cold and about to just go home.” The fact that Rach and Jen both wanted to fix this problem by telling me to get a cup of coffee is super funny to me. Shana, though, went the Gin and Tonic Avenue which apparently worked just as well. Possibly better.

After singing Karaoke:

I thought he was going to carry me.

He did!

Me (After singing Be Our Guest with Michael): I am SO sorry. Angela Lansbury is SO disappointed in me right now.

Rach: These man hands will go all night! (I honestly don’t know what this was in reference to… but I think it’s funny all on its own.)

Luke’s to do list: English Paper Outline, Get Quotes, Find out what the topic is.

Me: Maybe you should find out what the topic is first.

Luke: Is CONtent and conTENT spelled the same way?

Me: Yes. It’s like Read and Read and Appropriate or Appropriate.

Luke: You’ve just blown my mind. My mind? Totally BLOWN.

Luke: Don’t worry Tiffany, I’m on drugs.

(Surprisingly, this did make me stop worrying.)

Shana: Are you going to do that whole Ash Wednesday thing again this year?

Me: Yes.

Shana: Oh man, I’m not going to see you and I do so love making fun of the dirt on your forehead!