Friday, 17 September 2010

I recently came out of a long relationship, and one thing that really hit me was that I didn't cry very much over it. In fact I cried much more in past relationship which had so much less depth and were much shorter..some weren't even relationships! And I only just realised and fully understood why while I was out for a run. I can finally justify to myself, which is so much more important than justifying to others, that I'm not a total cold-blooded person. That it wasn't wrong for me not to break down because of the end of a really long and meaningful relationship.

Not many people knew about the end of this relationship, and some did not even know about it. And after a whole month, I started telling friends and family. Many of them were shocked and all they wanted to know was why. Why did it end? For some of them, I tried to explain in detail..but for some I didn't have the strength to. Because I was still afraid of being judged by them. It is so sad, but in our world today, the moment you tell someone that you broke up, they jump to the conclusion that there is a third party involved. Especially if you're not crying your eyes out while you relate your part of the story to them. So when asked why, I sometimes decided to keep my silence until I figured out myself why I was not so sad about it.

And half an hour ago, I fully understood why. It is because I have grown up so much since before the start of this relationship until now. I still remember clearly the last time I had my heart broken, I was swearing to my brother that if I don't find a good guy, I won't get into a relationship. I won't even get married when the time comes if I don't find a suitable guy. And I managed to keep that promise to myself. I didn't get into a relationship until I found that good guy. He was so good to me, more than any other guy has ever been. We were together for 2 years and 9 months, and even until the end, on (almost) every 21st of the month, we would wish each other Happy Anniversary. And I do realise that I might not ever in my whole life be able to find another guy who would treat me as good as he did.

So why didn't I cry? Because I did manage to find a good guy, but in the process also learned that a good guy does not necessarily mean Happily Ever After. There are so many other factors, like personality, religion, mindset, family issues. These are all ingredients that you need to have a healthy loving relationship. Like I said, I realise that I might not find a guy who is as good to me as he was. But I might be able to find one who is more compatible with me in terms of personality, religion, mindset and everything else.

Before I decided to end the relationship, I was afraid that I would be making the biggest mistake of my life. I tried to tell myself to compromise. Everywhere, and almost every single day, we hear this phrase: No one is perfect. And I know no one is perfect! That wasn't what I was expecting of him. And I am not expecting any guy who I like to be perfect. But the most important is that all the imperfections in that person and myself would add up to a perfect relationship. And I knew that the imperfections in this guy and me, don't add up to that. Some people would say, compromise. But I'm young, and he's young. I still have a chance to find someone who would suit me more, and the same for him. If I'm feeling things like this now in our relationship, what would it be like if we really did end up together in marriage? I just know that it won't work out.

So that is why I'm not crying everyday. I still miss him every now and then when I allow myself to dwell upon the past. When I go anywhere, the memories of us there together haunt me until sometimes I just want to go home. So many things remind me of him. And there are things which I just can't allow myself to think of yet for fear of crying. But at the end of each day, I get stronger. I understand myself more, and why I did what I did. I don't regret my decision, even if it hurts.

To you: I know no matter how many times I apologise, you might not be able to fully forgive me. But I thank you for every single thing that you have done for me. I never forgot them, and I might not ever forget them. All I hope for you from the bottom of my heart is that you have a successful future and that you will find a girl who treats you better than I did and who is more suitable for you. She will be a very lucky girl to have you. I know you will find her, and I'm not just saying it. All the best to you.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Its Tuesday night, I'm having a quiet night at home (I predict lots more quiet nights at home from now on). Hopefully there's something good on TV later. I haven't watched TV in years. I mean like properly sit down and watch it. I'm always running off to meet my friends somewhere, or stayed in my room on the internet. I hope to watch more TV, especially with my mom.

I went for my first job interview since I came back from Bali this afternoon. It was quite an adventure finding the place - I didn't know the area very well and was depending on a self-drawn map to lead me there. I finally found the area, but was very in doubt because it was a village, with lovely village houses all around. And then there it was, right smack in the middle of nowhere. I heaved a sigh of relief that I found it and walked in.

The interview was pretty alright, and I wasn't feeling nervous as I usually do. I managed to convince them really well that I was the best candidate for the job, and was looking forward to discussing the pay. Then they told me the working hours, and suddenly I wasn't very interested in the pay anymore. The hours were horrible! I'm not a choosy person at all, but that was just downright breaking the labour law. And the pay wasn't good.

Of course I couldn't let them see my utter disappointment, so when the Managing director asked me when I would like to start, I mentioned a date. I tried to push it a bit later so that I could have time to think of a good reason to reject his offer of a job. And he said that would be fine, come in and sign the offer letter day, see you then. So just like that, I had the job. The job which breaks the labour law and which I planned to reject.

So here I am, still looking for a suitable job, and hoping I wouldn't have to be lying to the director when I tell him that "I'm really sorry, but I got a better offer". Because that's the most polite excuse I can think of right now..

p/s: I can't stop thinking of last Tuesday night when we had the big dinner at the Children's Home outside on the porch. And how everyone was just having such a great time, and then us riding on the motorbikes to Kuta for some drinks..all the laughter and silliness...and the ride home, and sneaking in feeling all scared.. Oh I miss all of you so much!!!!!

Monday, 6 September 2010

My first post for Much Love Monday - a sweet letter from my crazy roomie Shae when I was living at the Children's Home in Bali. She's the sweetest ever..she secretly put it in my luggage on the night I was leaving and only told me about it afterwards. I don't often receive letters, and this was the best souvenir I could have asked for from Bali..

So, I need to mention one thing that I love..I suppose that would have to be a letter from someone I love. No matter family, friends, or a guy =)

Hope all of you are enjoying your Monday so far...much love to you from me.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

Today is my last day at the Children's Home. I've dreaded this day from 2 months ago. But surprisingly, very very surprisingly, I feel fine today. 2 days ago, I said to Shae(my lovely crazy roommate) that I felt really sad, and she said "Wait till you wake up on Wednesday morning"..and I was thinking the same thing, I thought I would feel awful today, but I don't.

Last night, Anand and Sabrina from Holland treated us all to a hugeee dinner, with grilled fish and ice cream after! We had our meal outside, and the weather was perfect. After dinner, we started snapping pictures, and it was really fun. Then some of us went into Kuta on the bikes, and it was just such a silly, totally unforgettable night.

This morning, I got up at 8am, hoping I wouldn't just start crying all of a sudden, but as I said, I felt fine. And after having a shower, I walked out and what do I see, Kristian and Kenzo trying to have a shower on their own. This is definitely the first time I have ever ever seen Kenzo wanting to have a shower on his own. I need to explain, this is the boy who usually starts bawling his eyes out the moment you try to take his shirt off for a shower. It was such a sight, I'm sure my jaw dropped open before I realised it wasn't my imagination and I helped them shower. And Kenzo didn't cry at all!!! He usually HATES to have his head wet, but he didn't cry, all he said was that he was scared, and I gently told him that its just water and there's nothing to be afraid of. Oh I wish I could stay a bit longer to really get him used to showering and show him that a shower is nothing to be scared of.

So my day started in such a surprisingly wonderful way that I think I can cope with it. Thank you Lord for this day.