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Street Sharks Fan Fiction Contest

This is a Street Shark figure. His name is “Moby Lick.” I cannot verify this, but wikipedia claims that his motto is “I blow them away!”

Intrigued?!

Yes, during the course of research* today, I’ve stumbled into the Street Sharks universe, (I should say back into, as the Street Sharks figures were often heavily discounted during high school and I would purchase them for friends as gag gifts. I gave out many a Moby Lick in my day.) It appears to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever encountered.

I was asking a friend if he remembered them, and he said yes, that he had some, and he wondered which shark was the one that had the roller blades. After perusing the list of Street Sharks, I determined that it was likely “Blades”, no doubt because of the following exchange:

Mattel CEO: “We need a name for the Street Shark who will always be wearing roller blades…”

Mattel VP: “How about ‘Roller Blades’?”

Mattel CEO: “This is what I pay you for?!?! You’re fired! Get out of my office!”

Mattel Junior VP: “Sir, how about…’Blades’?

Mattel CEO: “Genius! Take that other guy’s desk and company car!

But the highlight of the Street Sharks page, as well as the page of the “Extreme Dinosaurs” (the inevitable spin-off, which somehow appears to have even less thought/effort put into it), is the list of episode names:

Some Street Sharks episodes:

Jurassic Shark

Shark to the Future

To Shark or Not to Shark

Close Encounters of the Shark Kind

Card Sharks

Space Sharks

Sir Sharkalot

20,000 Sharks Under the Sea

Sharkotic Reaction

Shark-apolypse Now!

Some Extreme Dinosaurs episodes:

Agent Double O Dinosaurs

Incredible Shrinking Dinosaurs

Have a Nice Daynosaur

A Few Good Dinosaurs

Bullzeye Surfs The Web

Jurassic Art

Earth VS. The Flying Raptors

The Raptor Who Would Be King

Night of the Living Pumpkins (???)

Zogwalla-Con

A Bone to Pick

Bones of Contention

The Extreme Dinosaurs episodes disappointingly veer from the tried and true Street Sharks naming convention, (Replace random word in title with “Shark”), but I am willing to forgive it for episodes with names like “Zogwalla-Con”

So my challenge for you guys is to visit the wikipedia pages for Street Sharks and/or Extreme Dinosaurs, read up on characters such as Power Bite Piranoid - Half Human / Half Piranha (Motto: “Those sharks are fishtory!”) and Porcupine McVells (He lends [the Extreme Dinosaurs] a “crock-pot” to use as an incubator for the then-unhatched egg that would later become Stegz’s pet Ostrich, Ditto.)

Once you have immersed yourself in the Sharkiverse, take one of the episode titles for either series, write a brief summary of what happens in that episode and post it in the comments. The winner will have an abundance** of RiffTrax showered upon them!

*Yes, research. You might not have heard, but we have a RiffTrax of “Jaws” coming out next week

Indeed, Street Sharks are included, but compared amongst its peers such as the Biker Mice From Mars, for instance, they are far outweighed in the race to the top of the who-can-rip-off-the-Ninja-Turtles-in-as-profitably-as-possible sweepstakes of the late ’80s – mid ’90s.

In a very special episode of Street Sharks ripped straight from today’s headlines, Dr. Piranoid abandons his usual plans of world domination in favor of the much more lucrative narcotics trade. Ripster and the boys interrupt a Seaviate attempt to sell heroin to school-children, but not before Jab becomes a hopeless smack addict after being stabbed by Slash’s new syringe nose. Can the Bolton boys clean up the streets and find a suitable hammerhead shark to give Jab a blood replacement? With special guest star Tom Sizemore as the voice of DEA Agent Jim Tervention.

*yays* Oh, she DID, Oxford. Thanks, Katie–I knew I was not the only one made uncomfortable on a highly Freudian level. The tongue…. that pink, long, bumpy, rapacious tongue… seeking… something… wanting to… taste! *shudders* Erf, I got major jibblies now. I can’t help but think any fanfic about that shark worth its salt would be anything less than five layers of filthy. =^.^=

So I need to be upfront with this one. I just pulled out an old full house episode description, and replaced the names. So if it doesn’t qualify for the contest, I understand. I’ll still probably end up buying the “Jaws” rifftrax..

As Big Slammu works vigorously at his drum lessons with Streex, Jab eagerly preps for an upcoming gig at a local night club. The entire Bolton family comes out to support him, but with some talent sharks present, Joey faces public humiliation after Phyllis Diller interrupts his act, and hogs the show. Jab decides to put an end in his comedic career. In the wake of this revelation, he makes an overnight decision to put on a fancy suit, change his name to Joe, and become a serious shark businessman. Now that he is walking around with a briefcase and calling himself a comic failure, Big Slammu, who has been struggling with his music lessons, follows Jab’s lead and quits. Now that his behavior is impacting the sharks he loves, will Jab be motivated to re-examine his recent choices?

A Killer Whale (Orca) can outright destroy any shark is comes up against, that will attack it, that is.

The only shark know to leap out of the water is a great white. It only does this around Seal Island, off the coast of southern Africa. Jaws’ stunt with the Orca (the boat) can’t actually happen.

The largest shark to have ever existed was the Megladon, a shark that could reach the size of four city buses, weigh 10 tons and had a jaw size of six feet. It may have become extinct quite a long time ago, but since we’ve only discovered 2% of our oceans, it could still be out there.

If you want to come as close as possible to encountering a Megalodon, I highly recommend you pick up the DVD of “Chased by Dinosaurs”. It’s one of those BBC / Discovery Channel specials, and features British naturalist Nigel Marvin pulling a Richard Dreyfus against the biggest shark to ever live.

Late one night in the candlelit bedroom, as Jab brushes Ripster’s luxurious blonde hair with fraternal affection, the latter reveals his secret admiration on their new neighbour, Mr Darcy. Jab in turn declares his undying love for Darcy’s great friend, Bingley. The two make a pact never to breathe a word to anyone of their clandestine crushes.

However, the very next day, as the two eldest shark brothers sit in the drawing room contentedly crocheting, the younger siblings Big Slammu and Streex can clearly be heard bellowing a new skipping song Ripster and Darcy in a tree…kay eye essess eye engee

Furious and tearful, Ripster throws his half-finished embroidery onto the floor and storms from the room crying “But you promised never to tell! I’ll never share anything with you ever again!”

Musical interlude

After much apologising, weeping and hugs, the two brothers are reunited over a nice cup of tea.

Something so ridiculous and funny to me that i’ve been saying for YEARS thanks to Street Sharks. For some reason, it’s stuck with me ever since I saw their toy commercials. I’m almost scared to actually check Youtube.

I actually have no recollection of the cartoon though. Which is weird cause I used to love watching all the really horrible cartoons like Iron Man and Double Dragon. The worse the cartoon the more Jawsome.

The Street Sharks come across a card throwing guy who calls himself Gambit, who introduces them to Wolverine, Magneto, Cable Guy, Drunk Hobo and there’s also a ninja, and pirates, and explosions, and my dad can toss dwarfs further than your dad. It’s totally true, you guys. Wait, what was I supposed to do again? Hey, I just thought of a creepy hero name; Molesto. I also believe inhibition is overrated. *Sugar induced coma sets in*

As Big Slammu works vigorously at his drum lessons with Streex, Jab eagerly preps for an upcoming shark gig at a local night club. The entire Bolton shiver(a word for a group of sharks) comes out to support him, but with some talent sharks present, Joey faces public humilia-shark after Phyllis Dillshark interrupts his act, and sharks the show. Jab decides to put an end to his comedic career. In the chummy wake of this revelation, he makes an overnight shark decision to put on a fancy shark skin suit, change his name to Joe, and become a serious business-shark. Now that he is walking around with a briefcase and calling himself a comic failure, Big Slammu, who has been struggling with his music lessons, follows Jab’s lead and quits. Now that his shark behavior is impacting the sharks he loves, will Jab be motivated to re-examine his recent choices?

The Police, in an effort to quell the fears of the citizenry, arrest Moby Lick on flimsy, circumstantial evidence. This enrages the women of Fission City to the point of a near-riot outside the county jail where Mr. Lick is being held. The sheriff reluctantly accedes to the female mob and releases the prisoner.

Meanwhile, the Bolton family investigate the Seaviates’ lair for clues. They discover that their trusted ally Lena Mack has been feeding Dr. Piranoid information about the Bolton’s in exchange for undisclosed favours to be provided by Repteel.

They are further shocked to learn that that their father, Dr. Robert Bolton, hides from the world not due to his unalterable transformation, but rather, due to the fact that he suffered a rather embarrassing wound at the “hands” of the true culprit in the decapitation murders, Clambo.

Clambo is arrested but somehow persuades the policeman assigned to guard duty to allow him to escape.

El Swordo is having a free show in downtown Fission City. Rox and Streex are providing music for El Swordo’s performance. The other Bolton’s are watching from the crowd. They think the show is Jawsome. Around the corner, the Jonas Brothers are having a free concert as well.

Watching their tweenie flock depart for the likes of El Swordo aggravates Nick Jonas. “I’m gonna filet ‘em with his own swords…” Nick Jonas muttered to himself.
“I might be able to help you with that.” Sneered Dr. Paradigm as he exits the shadows.

He explains to the Jonas Brothers that he can give them the power to be more than the Bolton’s can ever be. Dr. Paradigm gives each of the brothers a syringe. Before Joe could ask what to do, Kevin already has his belt around his arm, tapping his veins up. Nick, Joe and Dr. Paradigm are looking at him when Dr. Paradigm speaks up, “You stick it in your ass.”

“So, baby, what say we go and… ‘Cut to the Quick’?” Streex cheesily asks the pretty girl next to him.
She looks him over with a disgusted smirk, “Aren’t you ‘Blades’ on Facebook? Hmpf, ‘Cut to the Quick’ is what I heard.”

After various slapstick attempts at sabotaging the El Swordo show, the Jonas Brothers crash their trailer through the stage. The audience goes silent until the Jonas Brothers emerge from the trailer. Then the audience flees in terror [insert Lena Mack cameo], leaving the Bolton boys before the stage. Jab replies for the group, “Jawsome entrance!”

Ripster, Jab and Streex handle the Jonas Brothers nicely until Dr. Piranoid emerges and forces the mutation in the Jonas Brothers to become the Beast, a towering musical monstrosity blended of silk suits, black locks and promise rings. The Beast makes quick work of Jab before moving on to the others.

Jab has no choice now but to transform into Jet Pack Jab, $9.95 at major retail chains, by putting on his jet pack. Launching into the air, he cries out, “The Sky is the Limit… Is my favorite Lil’ Wayne song!” Dr. Piranoid technobabbles the jet pack into malfunctioning, leaving Jab to the will of the Beast.

The Beast has Jab pinned when Big Slammu steps up and bellows, “One – two, Big Slammu!” and performs his Seismic Slam. Everyone and everything is tossed for a 2 block radius. The Beast falls back into a beverage table spilling [Barq’s Root Beer] over his pant leg. [Edited- per Coca-Cola]

“That stain will never come out!” the Beast roared, “I’ve had it, this ends now!” The Beast grabs El Swordo and slams him into the Jonas Brothers trailer, “With you out of the way, the Jonas Brothers shall rule the Tween Scene, Ha-ha-ha!”

Realizing the Beast’s weakness, Ripster grabs the [Barq’s] super-keg and busts it over the Beast’s head showering all in [classic root beer goodness]. Bound by the super-keg, the Beast stops and starts to cry over its ruined clothes and hair. Jab pulls off his jet pack and asks where Dr. Piranoid went. Nobody was really concerned; they were watching the Beast sob itself to death.

Ripster strolls to his brothers as they drip with [Barq’s classic root beer goodness],”You know what I always say, [Barq’s has Bite and] Bite is Might.”
El Swordo pulls himself out of the smashed trailer, covered in a stringy brown substance. Pulling some off for a better look, El Swordo smells it, “What is this? Chewing Tobacco?”
Big Slammu’s eyes grow wide and he pushes to the front of his brothers, “You’ve got chew? JAWSOME!”