I hate Coke® bottlecaps now. Remember back in the day, when you just had to open the bottle and look at the cap? Maybe not, because I am 50 years older than most of you, but you used to be able to just know by looking at the cap if you’d won a NEW bottle of Coke! (NOT New Coke!) Instant gratification and/or rejection! Free 2-liter bottle! Sorry, try again! Either way, you knew what you were getting. Now it’s like:

K6745859337
R9857382385
D2389547645

And you’re supposed to go to their site? And input the numbers? Which is doubly annoying, because I hate “input” as a verb.

These have been pissing me off for as long as I can remember. Well, not literally, or else my first paragraph would make no sense. But you know what I am saying. They’ve been around for too damn long, and much like the BC tray rule of present time, I yearned for their inevitable retreat into obscurity, to no avail.

So okay, fine. I’ve been told (in (usually) nicer ways) that sometimes I am a closed-minded beeyotch. Maybe that’s the case here. Let’s find out, then. Let’s find out if technology has somehow managed to make the bottlecaps of today even more fun than the bottlecaps of yore.

What do I have to do first? I can barely read this thing! And I am the friend in the group who, maybe I can’t hear a word you’re saying from two feet away if, you know, there is a truck making some noise 25 miles in the distance, but dammit, I can read a street sign from 500 feet away in the middle of the night! So if I can barely read this thing, Coca-Cola® really should maybe reconsider their packaging.

Okay, so I can either enter my code at the website, TEXT them (WTF, no way, I learned my lesson the time in that one drunken moment of weakness when that warmhearted psychic on TV said she could answer just one question for me), and/OR call them at an 866 number.

And now, I think I really need to rethink my “career” “aspirations,” because I am currently hardpressed to think of a more awesome job, material-wise, than talking to people all day who can’t work a bottlecap.

Anyway, on to the site!

Ha ha, imagine after all my bitching, I win like, a boat? Or a mystery box! That would be awesome.

Okay, the site is actually less obnoxious than I’d expected. Sorry, I know that approximately 127 of my friends here are (awesome!) graphic designers, but I am glad that things got toned down there, because for awhile, it was like, “YOU WANT FLASH? I’LL SHOW YOU FLASH!!!” and most websites were just, crazy! And annoying! We seem to have found a happier balance, these days.

What! I have to register? That’s bullshit, and also kind of creepy. I’m going to use Shannon’s email address. Just kidding, Shannon! But I AM going to use my zack morris email. If the government wants to know what I am drinking, they are just going to have to muster up the effort to spy on my survey bulletins like everyone else!

Oh, well, look at this, you can ASK them, “Why register?” And — geez — check out their answer:
Why should you join MyCokeRewards? Because it’s easy for you to get the rewards you want and deserve for drinking Coca-Cola brand products.

Equal parts amazing and horrifying. Of all the advertising tactics, the one I loathe most is pandering to this country’s sense of merit-less personal entitlement. I mean, because you drink Coke, you DESERVE rewards? I never knew! Let’s move on…

…to something that I really need to just copy and paste, because…wow:

Congratulations on joining this exciting new program from Coca-Cola. You’re just a few steps away from earning rewards for drinking your favorite Coca-Cola products, like gift cards, electronics and trips. Just a few more steps and you’ll be on your way.

Please enter your birthdate, email address and let us know if you are a resident of the United States. All fields are required.

Let’s get started creating your MyThirst ID.

Heeee. A “MyThirst ID!”

Well. Okay. First of all, I decided to be really crafty and say that my birthdate was February 29, 1960, because that wasn’t a real date. My brilliance knows no bounds. BUT, they caught me! Pretty sneaky, sis!

But they also told me my email address wasn’t valid! Oh no! I guessed I hadn’t signed on in awhile, so yahoo suspended my account. Finally, I put in (inputted, if you will) my Thea4ever address. What’s a bunch more spam in that account? You got me, Coke®.

But that didn’t work either! So basically, there is meat in my trifle and all of that work was for naught! I have no other choice but to send a concerned letter to the company.

I feel I should mention that in their unfailing ability to keep a finger on the pulse of what the people really want, Coca-Cola® has provided us with the one and only Hank, the virtual rep! He’s “pretty helpful,” according to those crazy Coke folks!

(Click.)

Hank is totally ready to spring into action!

Photobucket – Video and Image Hosting

Hank says…

“Hi, I’m Hank, your virtual assistant for MyCokeRewards!
If you have a question for me, type it in the box above and I’ll try to come up with an answer for you.”

Okay. “My email address is invalid, according to y’all.”

He was not tripped up by the y’all, but he gave me a mealy-mouthed non-answer, much like the time I was working at Welcome Wagon, after months of hearing stupid “Yay, we’re making so much money as a COMPANY, aren’t you so proud! It’s like, we’re fishing and every single person here helps with getting more fish!” I’m not kidding. So during one meeting where I was particularly annoyed, I got my proletariat on and was all, “So when do we get to eat the fish?” and the VP with the nice suits had obviously not read that particular chapter in his Dale Carnegie books, and didn’t really answer me at all. That’s what Hank was like. So now I have to type the Coke folks an email.

What?!?! Okay, GET THIS. You have to enter all that same information just to contact Coke, and even more, because you have to put in your name! Whatever, I get to type an email. This will be fun. IF they accept my email address!

Here we go!

Dear Hank,

You can imagine my excitement when, upon purchasing some Coca-Cola, I realized that I was getting much more than just a liter of the most delicious beverage ever created! I was also getting a chance to win prizes! Really, just the soda is prize enough for me LOL but I really wanted to check out your website! So I did, and arrived at your site tremendously excited at the prospect of getting my very own MyThirst ID! I don’t even have a library card LOL!

But imagine my terrible disappointment when my email address was not accepted. My email address is Thea4ever@aol.com. I’ve had it since 1997, when I chose the name based on the awesome Thea Vidale and her self-titled television vehicle starring a young Brandy Norwood. So I am positive that it is a valid email address.

If you could contact me regarding a way to acquire a MyThirst ID, I would really appreciate it. COKE RULES!

Love,
Judith Posch

W/B/V/S/A/D/G/C/D/I/O/K!

It went through! So I guess my email address is good enough for the gander, but not the goose. The goose with the golden egg, in this case, because now that I’ve seen the clip art stencil of a boat, I want to win a cruise!

I’ll keep you guys posted as to whether Hank’s a good guy who calls girls back or not. Keep your fingers crossed!