Tag Archives: anxiety

PREFACE: I have thought about doing a post like this for some time, but always shyed away. But, in the last week a few things triggered me to do this. If you are looking at the title of this and are thinking one thing about what I’m about to say, either stop reading or maybe read all the way though. And I’d also suggest holding comments until you’ve read the whole post….or maybe after reading it you’ll just keep your comments to yourself….

And now onto my post….

I’ll be honest-I am one of those mom’s who get the random comments about “how great you look for just having a kid.” And I will say it now, that I do feel pretty damn great about how I look right now.

I’m sure some of you are thinking “Andrea you arrogant bitch, why are you writing about this?” But bear with me.

The trouble with this comment is that it comes unsolicited from strangers. I most recently had a mom say it to me yesterday at Andy’s swim lessons. She was watching her two kids in the lessons, while the youngest sat on the side with her. Yes, it was nice that she said this to me. But what do I say in response?

If I say a simple “thanks” and walk onward, do I not look appreciative? I am not the most exuberant person out there, so sometimes my responses seem cold. Is she expecting me to unload about how I got myself to look like this? What is my workout regime….do I follow a special diet….maybe I am one of those mom’s who can just bounce back to a good figure…

But what if Andy was my adopted son? And I never was even pregnant with him? Then really it’s a stranger commenting on a postpartum body when maybe it was never pregnant at all. What would an adoptive mother do in a case like this? Do they just lie and say “Thanks” or do they go on a whole story about how this isn’t actually their biological child. Then the stranger is in for an earful and really they probably didn’t want to hear your whole life story.

You’re probably still thinking that I should just smile and say thanks and move on. But really, it’s bothering me.

The whole fascination on postpartum bodies is a topic in itself. But every body is different. And for strangers to go up to new mom’s and make comments on their bodies, even if they are in heart “positive” is just a little invasive.

If a stranger comments to me about my body, do they really want to hear the whole story?

Here is the bullet-point timeline

Always felt awkward looking in grade school due to bad haircut and fro

Didn’t like that I was taller than most of the girls growing up (funny, I know…I’m 5’3)

Was on Pom Pon Squad and Track & Field in high school. Naturally muscular and never “skinny”

Wanted to be “skinny”

Bad couple months in grade 12 where I dropped close to 15 pounds with the stupid goal to get under 100 pounds

Hit puberty late after high school probably because of my intense exercise all those years and the body issues.

Dad dies end of freshman year in college in 2004

College is a yo-yo of bad food and lots of drinking

Started running long distance, however, it was maybe one race a year

Graduated college and met Dan

Moved to a new Country less than a year later

Did the crazy ‘pre-wedding diet’ before our wedding in 2010

Started taking anxiety medication mainly related to the death of my father

Slowly gained weight after wedding and tried to figure out what I wanted to do for exercise

Started this blog in 2013 and signed up for a shitload of running events

Kept running in 2014 and realized if I put my focus on running I could get a whole lot faster

Tried to qualify for Boston Marathon twice in 2014. Failed.

Tried to qualify for Boston Marathon once in 2015. Success

Decided to wait to try to have a kid until after Boston Marathon

Ran Boston Marathon in 2016. Yay!

Foot Surgery in June 2016. Can’t run until August.

Start trying to have a kid in fall

Find out we are pregnant!

Have a miscarriage

Get pregnant six weeks later

Run four times a week for the first 37 weeks of my pregnancy until I can’t run due to elevated blood pressure.

Have Andy on October 19, 2017!!!

Cleared to run two weeks later

Sign up for 2018 Berlin Marathon

First week of December have an emergency appendectomy. Can’t run again until January

Would have to be going back to work if I was still a teacher in the USA. However, I have am fortunate to be taking a year off here in Canada

Slowly get back into running and going to various stroller/baby mama boot camps

Run my first half marathon postpartum in April 2018 (farthest distance I had ran since June 2016)

Keep going to boot camps and training for the Berlin Marathon all while using a running stroller

Proud of my postpartum body but realize that my body did not become this way overnight

So you may still be thinking I should just say “Thanks” and move on. What the issue I have is that strangers really should be mindful of both pregnant women and mothers before making comments. Really, people should be mindful of just people in general before they make comments. Its one thing to make these seemingly innocent comments to close friends or family, but why do people find the need to say it to strangers?

A friend of mine posted an article that had to do with someone asking a new mother the question “Are you Breastfeeding?” I can see now, as a mom, why this question can cross the line especially if a stranger asks.

IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Sure, maybe we are breastfeeding. Great. If I answer yes to you, are you going to say “Congratulations?” Maybe I tried to breastfeed but my baby was born so early that my hormones were all jacked and my milk never came in. Maybe we chose from the start to feed our baby formula. Maybe we are choosing to exclusively pump, which by the way counts as breastfeeding. But then maybe that stranger will look at your cluelessly to why you are doing that.

I recognize that a lot of the times these innocent comments from strangers are meant with the best of intentions. I am fortunate that I did not receive a lot of unsolicited advice while I was pregnant, and really I haven’t had a lot of that postpartum either. But I know of friends who have felt the “mom-shame” before and I can imagine it sucks. While the title of this post does not particularly seeming ‘mom-shame worthy” it is still putting a mom in a weird situation that could just be avoided.

Being pregnant with Andy and now being a mom has taught me a lot. But honestly, one of the main things is to just bite my tongue. When you are around new mom’s in a “mom group” and you don’t necessarily agree with someone’s parenting technique…is it really worth arguing about? Same thing goes with social media: someone says something you don’t agree with, say, in the political arena. I’ma math teacher, not a social teacher….I’m not a political science expert. I keep my mouth shut and don’t chime in my two cents. (I do possibly hide some people from my newsfeed just so I don’t have to keep seeing our opposing views)

So next time you feel the need to say something, anything, to a stranger (or even a close friend or family) take a second to think if it is really a necessary comment. Are you saying it to just make yourself feel better? Are you saying it to incite turmoil? Why do you feel the need to say it at all? While we may have been brought up with the ideal that if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it…maybe even save some of those seemingly innocent “nice” comments or questions to yourself. You never know what the whole story is about a person. And if you ask, you may open up a whole new can of worms.

Yesterday, I ran an 8 mile progression run as part of my Boston Marathon training. It was a windy ass day, but not too cold, so I headed out in shorts ready to get this thing done. I started slow, I ran a 9:02, 8:59, 8:38, 8:23 and 8:11. By that point I was feeling pretty good, but knew I wanted my last 3 miles to be epic. At 5.25 miles I actually stopped at the local grocery store, Safeway, to pick up my prescriptions. This was planned ahead of time, as I had worn my AltraSpire running backpack without the reservoir in it. Went to the pharmacy, had the tech wrap everything up nicely, and plopped it in my bag. I headed out to get the rest of the run finished. Everything was packed nicely, but you could still hear the steady and constant shaking of the pill bottles, almost like maracas. I ran mile 6 in 8:10, and that is when I wanted to turn it up a notch for the final 2 miles. As the pills acted as a metronome, I pounded down South Parkside Drive and 10th Ave with all I could. I don’t think anything could have broken my focus. I hit mile 7 in 7:29. I wanted to make mile 8 something special. Hitting STOP on my watch as I hit that final mile, I saw my split was 7:24. My progression run was a huge success!

After my stop at Safeway, I was initially bothered by the sound of the pills in my bag. I thought it was going to drive me nuts. But then I started thinking about those pills and how they aren’t a nuisance that should be driving me crazy. I have been taking Escitalopram (Cipralex) and Clonazepam since 2010. My mother, my husband and some close friends and family have been aware of this, but not a lot of others. It is important to talk about, and on #BellLetsTalk day I figured today would be a good time to talk about it.

Escitalopram and Clonazepam are both drugs used to help with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I take my cipralex daily for help with anxiety, and I take the Clonazepam as needed. I call this one my “emergency pill.” The reason why I was put on these medications by my family doctor was due to many compounding reasons. I have always been a bit high-strung and anxious, even if it didn’t seem like that during my high school years back in Wisconsin. I had good marks and was involved and on the outside, very well put together. But then, take into account my father died in 2004….I graduated university in 2007…I moved to a new country in 2008….I didn’t have a full-time job yet in 2010…I wasn’t in a great place, as I didn’t know how to handle with a lot of the stressors around me.

In early 2010 I went and started trying to talk to a counselor about the issues I had dealing with my dad’s death. I have mentioned before in this blog that I think during my university years I kind of went through a denial stage that the whole thing happened, and just put on a tough face to hide the emotions that I had inside. The counselor helped a bit, but we parted ways as I didn’t really see eye-to-eye with his philosophy. With having no full-time teaching contract going into the summer of 2010, planning my December wedding, and then still having yet to fully deal with my dad’s untimely death from a few years before that, I knew I needed to talk to my doctor about options to help.

I was prescribed the two medications and have taking my daily one religiously since then. After about a month, I could tell it was helping calm me. I think one of the first times I took my ‘emergency pill’ was in November 2010 when I lost my passport at the Toronto airport and basically went into a ballistic crying spell. By the time I got into the hold zone at security to try and find out if they could locate it, I had calmed down dramatically.

Since first starting the medications, I decided to try seeing a counsellor again about my issues with my dad’s passing. I also, in 2013, started this very blog. While the blog started as a way to remember my dad (and fundraise for heart disease research in his memory) as I trained for and ran in the 2014 Dopey Challenge during Walt Disney World Marathon weekend, it was also a coping mechanism. The blog, the counselling, the medication….and the running….has all helped me become more of the person I want to be.

After finishing the Dopey Challenge, I could have very well ended this blog. I used this blog to help bring awareness to my fundraising efforts. But I realized that this blog really helped me as a person. And after doing the Dopey Challenge, that was when I first realized that if I focused on just training for and running a full marathon I could maybe, JUST MAYBE, qualify for the Boston Marathon.

I trained for Calgary Marathon in 2014, and missed the qualifying time. I was frustrated, mad and didn’t want to go through the training again. But then I signed up for Edmonton, which would be in August of that same year. Same year, same results. I only bested my time by about a minute, and was still over 10 minutes away from the max qualifying time for my age group. Maybe I should throw in the towel….but after thought and consideration, I registered for the 2015 Vancouver Marathon. I regained my focus, and put my energy into following a new training plan made specifically for me. Registering for many local races and seeing how my times were dropping were powerful and motivating; it kept me pushing. While I had stopped seeing the counsellor by this time, running truly had become my therapy.

And if you’ve read my blog, you now know that in Vancouver I did succeed-I qualified for this year’s Boston Marathon running 20 minutes faster than my previous best marathon time, and beating my qualifying standard by just over 10 minutes. Running had allowed me to do something I love, all while going through every possible emotion. It pushes me to the limit, it makes me question what is possible…and it allows me time to reflect and become at peace with what is going on around me. Running hasn’t solved everything, but it sure has helped me along the way, and without running I am not sure where I would be right now.

So, yes. I am someone, like many, who takes a prescription daily to help deal with daily life. I also take high doses of endorphins whenever possible, because that along with the adrenaline that racing produces has helped me heal, slowly but surely. This isn’t something to be ashamed about, so I wanted to share it today. You now know a little bit more about my crazy, imperfectly perfect life.