Yes the title is crude. That is how I feel about some of the cases I have worked on lately. I used to smoke – I used to smoke a lot. But like many women with children I quit before my pregnancy. Now I chew on things – pretty well anything appealing. Sometimes wine gums, sometimes Lays Vegan ripple chips (mmmmm) and lately a lot on kale chips. Guilt free pleasure and stress release. Great recipe at the end for you.

So lets talk about my cases. Pictures – I get pictures and then have to find the person. Why you ask? Well a picture is the only concrete piece of evidence some women have about the man they have been having a sexual relationship with for the past several months or in some cases years. Yes it is true. They may have information this predator has provided them but most often it is altered and untrue. And of course the men are never married. (read sarcasm and snicker here). Its about this point that I start ripping the leaves of the kale stems… grrr.

I have decided that these men are actually sexual predators of a kind that has not come to the attention of the public yet. They feed off vulnerable women that are desperate for love and a committed relationship. These are not ‘equal’ relationships where both parties are acting out their fantasies. These are situations where the woman believes she is participating in a committed situation but the man knows full well he is not. The women are victims. You may argue that they are stupid and often I have wondered that myself. But most often what I meet are desperate women – recently divorced, survivors of abusive relationships, lonely, very lonely, lacking self-confidence, esteem issues from long ago still lingering, often timid in life, kind, caring, generous, loving, and believing. These predators see this, sense it, feed it, and before you know it the sexual relationship commences.

It basically works like this -they meet online and like the profiles put up, the woman can only reach the man through email (he has many reasons he cannot give her a phone number), he attends at her residence only, he gives vague information about his employment – never does he give a work number or actual location, usually his work involves ‘travel’ which allows him to spend time with his main family, he always has some hard luck story about relationships – volatile exwife, only sharing the house until they divorce …, he has total control of this situation. I refuse to call it a relationship as it is just a titillating sexual thrill for the man. For the women it is a real investment of themselves.

We all know about the Nigerian internet scams of money that have been visited on gullible women – the catfish. Well these men take away not money but more – the soul of the woman. These are men without character, morality, integrity, ethics. These are users of the worst kind. During the day they are the marvelous family man with a great supportive wife; most often they have children; often they coach sports; play sports, have positions that allow them flexibility of their schedule and yes they are the guy next door. Now the kale is in the bowl and I am hand mixing it with vigour…. mixed with olive oil, salt, pepper, and I always add chili pepper flakes (getting hungry now) and mix mix mix.

The damage these vile people do to their victims is long-term. Trust, confidence, sense of self quickly disappear when you realize you have given this man time and your feelings and your body. The other victims of course are his family – wives that just have no idea their husbands are putting up profiles on various sites – sometimes multiple trolling profiles. The shock is unfathomable. I have been privy to the female victims at both ends one too many times.

For a long time I have spoken out against online dating sites. For a long time I have counselled women that if they are going to go online they need to vet the person they are thinking of being involved with. THIS PERSON IS A COMPLETE STRANGER AND THE FACT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED SOME KIND OF COMMUNICATION ONLINE DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE SAFE. For years I have lectured on this topic and advised women to meet in safe places, report back to a person that knows where they have gone, take license plates and text them, protect yourself. Then this year I meet another slew of clients that did the opposite. Where’s my bag of kale chips????

So I say way too many people are willing to participate in 50 shades of fucked. Surely you have enough discipline to restrain from ‘stranger sex’ at a time when so many health issues alone should caution you. Surely your sense of personal worth prevents you from being treated like an object. Ladies, these men can go to a hooker to fulfill their fantasies – but they have to pay for services rendered. So not only are they real creeps – they are cheap creeps.

I am not a young woman and I am not an old woman. But I am a woman that recalls the fight of women for equality and fair job access and have worked in a field that has struggled with accepting women. But I know that if you do not treat yourself with respect nobody else will. I know that if a man does not give you a phone number where you can reach him at he is married. I know that if its too good to be true then it usually is.

So my final comment is Women – snap out of it! Go rent yourself a copy of Looking for Mr. Goodbar. A movie from the 70’s that applies today. Scared the crap out of me when I was a kid – hope it does the same for you.

Predators – I hope soon someone will decide there should be criminal charges for this kind of behavior – a sexual predator of a different kind.

Readers – take some time to make some kale chips = they are so good for you and addictive!

Recipe

Kale – as many bunches as you want. ( Wash and dry off). Use local or organic please!

Strip the leaves from the stalk (I keep the stalks and freeze to use for veggie stock later)

Throw the leaves in to a bowl.

Add olive oil – yes I like the leaves to be coated nicely not sparsely.

Spice it up – use pepper, chiliflakes, mixed salts are the best.

Throw onto the dehydrator trays (oops forgot to mention that a dehydrator is superior to the oven) and set the time.