Unregistered, as a new member your first 5 posts will be subject to moderation.
So if your post is submitted successfully, but does not show up immediately, please be patient, as it may take some time for a moderator to approve it.
Please don't double post.

So remember how I stated I was scared that things won't be good for me because I'm just the secondary and of she says I go then I go (after over a year relationship and four year friendship) is just creeping up more and more.

Whatever discussion about if things are broken beyond repair and what needs to happen was only between the two of them so anything that I may have to say or suggest is completely removed.

I'm expecting that I'm going to be told I'm done. And if so I don't know how much of even a friendship can be salvaged.

I'm expecting that I'm going to be told I'm done. And if so I don't know how much of even a friendship can be salvaged.

You know, instead of waiting for them to make decisions that affect you, YOU can take a stance and tell them you're done. You don't need to just wait around for scraps to be tossed your way. Be strong!!!

One thing I have learned from all of this... next time I have another relationship (because honestly I feel right being poly and I do need something to let my completely submissive side out) I'm not going to do it with hierarchies.

As to why I don't end it? I love him too much. I want him in my life in whatever way I can have because of how important he is to me. I'm willing to put up with all this stuff that just hurts because those moments I have with him are enough to make me forget them all.

I want things to work. Hell even to the point that what I thought was what I would need as limits aren't. I realized that I just need CLARITY. I need to know that if something is said that yes it's okay that it doesn't then get completely backtracked. I need clear guidelines as to what things are rather than ambiguity (big example: Woodsmith when things started up let me know that he was fine with me cuddling with Seven just not being on his lap and making out with him; Lamian just doesn't want me hanging on him but has never said what that entails so I never know what is going to set her off one day to the next).

You know, instead of waiting for them to make decisions that affect you, YOU can take a stance and tell them you're done. You don't need to just wait around for scraps to be tossed your way. Be strong!!!

You have a self-confidence that many others don't. I used to get frustrated watching people end up in these inextricable situations, until I realized that there was absolutely nothing to do. Except to sit back and see if they figure out their own responsibility in running their lives.

So I recently printed out the Secondary's Bill of Rights. No matter what happens between Seven and I, I'm going to make sure that he and Lamian end up seeing these.

If we don't fall apart with all this drama then whenever I'm actually brought back into the conversation I'm going to have that be a forefront of what my needs are (that these rights, which if I'm honest as I was reading them I realized none of them have EVER been respected, actually be a part of how things are handled now). If we do, I had printed out three copies so we each could have one during a conversation and I'll leave them as little things for the two of them to come across (passive-aggressive I know, but on this level I don't care).

If I'm ever confronted with these for any reason I'll make sure that whoever does confront me knows that even if these don't change for my relationship with Seven if he ever wants someone else in his life they will have to change because no one else will put up with Lamian's bullshit as long as I did.

So I recently printed out the Secondary's Bill of Rights. No matter what happens between Seven and I, I'm going to make sure that he and Lamian end up seeing these.

If we don't fall apart with all this drama then whenever I'm actually brought back into the conversation I'm going to have that be a forefront of what my needs are (that these rights, which if I'm honest as I was reading them I realized none of them have EVER been respected, actually be a part of how things are handled now). If we do, I had printed out three copies so we each could have one during a conversation and I'll leave them as little things for the two of them to come across (passive-aggressive I know, but on this level I don't care).

If I'm ever confronted with these for any reason I'll make sure that whoever does confront me knows that even if these don't change for my relationship with Seven if he ever wants someone else in his life they will have to change because no one else will put up with Lamian's bullshit as long as I did.

Rules are only worth the paper they're printed on. If you're not valuable or worthy of respect to a person, a set of rules certainly isn't going to change that. And if you're not coming off as being worth respect, why? I'm not referring to Lamien, but everyone around you. Regardless of whom you've talked about negatively over the course of your blog, there seems to be a pattern of people openly dismissing you or either ignoring/avoiding you. What about you makes that happen?

To me, I lose respect for people who can't control their reaction to emotions or consistently handle their own issues. People who remind me of immature children, usually. I believe people like that create their own internal drama and project it outwards - hoping someone else will play along. I avoid them like the plague. It may or may not be a nice way of acting, but being 'nice' is not what I'm most concerned about. Do the people you have problems with behave this way? Do you?

Relationship with Seven done. I'm handling it better at the moment than I expected.

After he told me it needed to be over I did state a few things. The fact that I was never afforded any rights in the relationship (of the 15 rights on F.V.'s secondary bill of rights the only ones that I wasn't denied were the ones that didn't apply because I either wasn't in a relationship with both of them or because I had a primary of my own).

I then reminded him of the fact that Lamian will ALWAYS choose Darkeyes over him.

The part of the conversation that I think hurt him the most was when he stated that it wasn't as long as he expected. I told him that since he had decided that he didn't want to speak to me or acknowledge my presence since Wednesday I pretty much knew it was over. He told me that what is happening isn't what he wanted. I stated that's the part that pisses me off the most, not that he didn't fight for me but that he didn't fight for himself. I told him that he allows Lamian to walk all over him. He mentioned that I wasn't the first or only person to tell him that. I stated that maybe that's because everyone is sick of her hurting you. After that he got silent and then shut himself up in his room.

So now Woodsmith and I are going to look for somewhere else to live. I can't stay here whether they are or not. I can't live with her anymore and even if they were to leave, this place has too many toxic feelings for me.

Do I think a friendship with Lamian will ever be able to be salvaged? No. Do I think it could with Seven? Possibly but I don't know since I don't see one with her. Do I still love him? Feverntly, part of what I hate is now I'm not able to pick up the pieces that are there every time Lamian chooses Darkeyes over him. Do I see their marriage still falling apart? Yes, almost sooner now since she won't be able to blame me for their issues.

At least I know a few good things have come out of this.

1) I know that I need the dynamic that we were exploring.
2) I know that next time I can't be with someone who has a spouse that is drastically NOT okay with their spouse wanting to be with someone else.

Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.

Posts: 915

I am sorry you are hurting. Do make sure to take care of yourself and grieve if you need to. Friendship might be feasible with one but not the other. Do you think she would have an issue if you and Seven were to strike up a friendship down the line? It sounded like a tense situation all around and with Lamian's up and down moods, anyone would find that challenging to deal with. Good luck on the new home search. Sending hugs your way.

Honestly, I don't know what to think if that would happen. But right now, it's not much of a concern because I don't know how to be his friend right now. I'm affectionate with my friends (lots of hugs, really close) and if I do that with him I'm going to have my heart break even more.

Tonight I'm stage managing a play (well co-stage managing). Woodsmith is going to stay home because before yesterday Lamian was planning on spending the day/night with Darkeyes. If that's still the case Woodsmith wants to have a chance to talk with Seven and see how he's doing.