The market's not what it once was. Back in the 90s and 2000s, we were promised pain-free growth. Stick that money in Sun, son, and watch it inflate. Now the times are hard. One must turn to unconventional investment opportunities. "Emerging markets," as they say in the business. Markets such as rap songs produced by ESPN analyst Cris Carter and his brother that will play over the P.A. system at Bryant-Denny Stadium.

Well, according to Terrence Williams's (no, not that one) filing, Carter took $12,500 to make the song and then didn't make it. Because he didn't make it, it couldn't play at Bama games. And because it couldn't play at Bama games, legions of Tide fans couldn't go buy the thing on iTunes. Not good at all.

There's more bad news for Williams, if he had hoped for a tidy resolution: Carter's son, Duron, who transferred to Alabama last year from junior college and redshirted, has since left the program. So it looks like Cris isn't gonna have access to the turntables anytime soon.