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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Alien vs. Predator

This is the only movie in the Alien/Predator franchise to be rated PG-13 instead of R. So instead of seeing people getting ripped apart and mauled by these fierce hunters you will hear the humans scream and then see a splatter of blood thrown on the wall while the aliens and predators battle it out WWF-style.

The film begins in 2004 as billionaire industrialist Charles Bishop Weyland recruits the top experts in the dorkiest fields of science to join him on an expedition to Antarctica. Some might say, “Hey, I saw Alien 3 and thought the Bishop character wasn’t born until some time around 2127? What gives?” The simple answer is if you’re looking for a movie that makes sense and has something to do with the original films and isn’t just a complete pile of shit, you’re in the wrong place pal.

After finding out that satellites have picked up a heat signature 2,000 feet below the ice in the shape of a pyramid, the geek dream team wraps up their boring National Geographic dialogue and heads out. Incredibly enough, after arriving at the abandoned whaling town where they will need to drill for the pyramid, they discover a massive tunnel which wasn’t there yesterday has been inexplicably dug for them. What luck! Rather than spending any time figuring out what could have burned a perfect passage through 2,000 feet of solid ice, team dumbass decides to rappel down and have a quick peek.

This is where moviegoers might enjoy the film since it’s where all the undeveloped annoying characters get locked inside the automated Scooby-Doo-style pyramid and start to die.

Halfway through the movie one of the actors no one cares about says, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” If that’s the case, then everyone who wants to lynch director Paul Anderson as a result of this movie can call me a friend. For the love of H.R. Giger (the Swiss artist who designed the Alien creature), please don’t see this mess.