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Inside Out Challenge – Day 1

The biggest lie you ever told

Well it just sucks that this is the topic for the very first day. No warming up, no easing into it, just straight to the point from the get go. So I had to ponder about this one… a lot.

I could tell you about the time I lied to my mom about my purse and FFA (Future Farmers of America) jacket being stolen at the County Fair. This comes to mind because at that time, I do believe it was the biggest lie I ever told. I was 15 at the time and I didn’t often lie to my mother, especially such a BIG lie. The truth was (is), my friend and I left the fair after showing our animals, with some boys, in a car, and went to go do some drinking down at the river, behind the fairgrounds. The car got stuck in the field and then caught on fire. Yep, it was a pretty big lie and yes, I did get caught.

I could tell you about the time I lied to my mom when she said to me, “Don’t ever marry him”. I straight lied and said, “I won’t” because I didn’t want to tell her that I already did. Yeah, you know the old saying, “The truth will be revealed”, and it was.

You see, I’m a horrible liar. My mother told me long ago that she could always tell when I was lying because I talk too much. I get nervous when I lie and then I just keep making the story bigger and bigger, trying to over explain. And of course, there’s the guilt, so I talk more trying to appease my guilt.

However, since I have to pick the BIGGEST LIE I’ve ever told, I would have to say it was actually a non-verbal lie. Well, no it wasn’t. It was usually a single word lie. The biggest lie was my life. People would ask me every day, “How’s it going?”, or “How are you doing today?”, or “How’s life?”, and I would respond with a smile and a variety of one word responses:

Every single one of those one word lies were used to cover up the massive ball of chaos my life had become. Those one word lies were actually some of the BIGGEST LIES I have ever told. They kept me from talking too much and kept me from letting anyone one in. They also kept me weak and afraid.

Well, you can only lie so much before it eventually catches up with you. The consequences vary. “For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.” ~ Luke 8:17

Today I live as truthfully and honestly as I can. I don’t like the feeling I get when I lie and I certainly don’t like the consequences. I have found that I am no longer afraid of being honest and truthful. Disclaimer: I am still codependent so I may dance around it a bit, or try to soften it, or even dodge it a little.

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A million little lies of omission everyday. Every time we put on a happy face when we want to cry, every time we say “fine” when asked how we are. The biggest lies are the ones we tell others- in hopes of convincing ourselves.

Yeah, lying. Caught in the middle of it currently. I myself lie the most about how I am doing too but I have currently found another version: “I am not ok but I do not want to talk about it or about me.” – which… might be all too Dutch and straight forward for most but for me it is working. Most people do not want to actually hear what is going on anyway.
I changed my ‘Fantastic’ to a more real version when I spoke with a neighbour of whom I know has a mental illness. She is polite to start a conversation while I know it is difficult for her and then the first thing I did was lying, out of politeness / self-protection / not being real’ and I saw her gasping for air in trying to tell me how great she was doing herself. It was horrible. Just wanted to hug her. 😦
xx, Feeling

That is terribly sad. I know these days that I can be honest and say that I am not doing well or am upset, if someone asks what’s going on or if I want to talk about it, I am able to say, “I’m not ready to talk about it” and it has worked out much better for me. When I can sense that someone is lying to me about how they are, I just let them know I’m here to listen whenever they are ready to talk. Hang in there Feeling! You’ll work your way through it!

Yes it is very sad. I use your polite version with friends but the other with acquaintances. I myself can not lie if my life depended on it…..apart from hiding all the shit inside which I guess I have been doing for years and years.