I'm sitting here waiting for class to begin. Dusk going into night. Magic time and all that comes to mind is the work. The work on oneself never stops. Well, correction, we all have a choice don't we? We can choose to work on ourselves in a healthy and honest manner or we can sweep our dust under the sub conscious rug and deny any problems exist at all. This is cowardice and I know the results from living in this mode of being. It's a living hell.

Hell for me is was when I found myself in a constant state of emotional inebriation. I needed booze, sex and acceptance to stem my emotions. I did not want to feel them, I didn't want to own up to them. Cause owning up to my emotions would mean I would have to do something about them. I would have to get help, therapy or rehab and that all sounded like way to much work. I wanted to be normal, cool and loved. Men, as I feel that's who I'm talking to most of the time I write as us men are the animals that need to listen and get support, The problem here is that it was becoming way too much work to keep the game going. I would drink more, I'd have mulitple lovers and I would say and do idiotic things to get people to love me, or at least like me as that was never love they gave me. It all had to stop and it did.

Doing the work. Well in the past several years I've had long, mature loving relationships. I whent to many hours of therapy. I came back to the church and of course I train in the art of jIu Jitsu. This cocktail of real friendships, therapy, spiritual and physical work helped me find me. As I stated above, when I was in Hell, I was not found but very lost. I know martial arts can do wonders for men with anger issues. Its the therapy or 12 steps meetings that can freak a guy out. Brothers, what else do you have to loose? Is what your are doing now really working for you? Answer me this. Be honest, as the coward gets to stay in the hell of their darkness. Why live there? Why? Now as things were slowly improving, I even had real friendships, quality not quantity, I knew I had to tackle the booze deal. It was the last memento I brought back from hell.

Thank God that I have 6 months of sobriety under my belt, a loving family and girlfriend and a tight group of friends that accept and love me completely. So when I see these martial artists come in, week after week and do their stretches before another grueling class, I think to myself the work never ends. My work on me simply goes on. The healthy, honest work that I stated above will always see you through my men. Booze, love-less sex and artificial acceptance will only keep you locked up in your private hell. Break free now. As they say at the dojo, "Keep training and leave it on the mat." See you on down the road.

SAUCIDO WORKS

The Scriptworks and Writings pages features current poems, blogs and script excerpts.Latino Slant is my perspective of music, politics, sports and culture. Finally the Archives page covers my past work as a music and cultural journalist for various publications.

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