The 10 Most Annoying Questions People Always Ask

By Daniel Colasimone - 01 Aug 2016

Everyone these days is tactless. There is no longer any tact. I’m not sure who or what to blame for this. Twitter? Donald Trump? Pokemon Go?

Whoever is to blame, the fact remains that most of us are forced to go through our days circumnavigating everyone else’s idiocy and answering dumbarse questions.

Here are 10 such questions that nobody except terrorists and insane despots should be subjected to.

Is something wrong?

This question is pretty annoying when there IS something wrong and really, really annoying when there ISN’T. The conversation usually goes something like this:

-Is something wrong?

-Nope.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, I just said there’s nothing wrong.

-No need to snap at me, I was just asking.

-WELL STOP ASKING, THERE’S NOTHING F***ING WRONG

-I knew you were upset about something. Want to talk about it?

Are you drunk?

In the same spirit as the first question, when asked this one you are either going to be drunk, in which case you’ll drunkenly deny it, or you’re not, in which case you will enthusiastically overstate your case for not being intoxicated and thus convince the person that you are, in fact, intoxicated.

Are you high?

Same as above but with more giggling.

When are you going to have kids?

There is no point in someone’s life when this is an OK question to ask. You have a friend who’s single? Really inappropriate; maybe they are desperately unhappy because they can’t find a partner and have kids. A friend who just got into a relationship? My god, are you trying to ruin it? A newlywed couple? Leave them the hell alone! What business of yours is their reproductive plans? If you want more cuteness in your life buy a baby otter.

Am I able to switch my tomato for avocado?

Yeah, sure, you can actually swap any ingredients on this menu for more expensive ingredients. One handy trick to save money is to order a slice of toast with butter but ask to change the butter for eggs benedict.

What do you want to do with your life?

Well, my dream is to flit around between different jobs with a variety of employers who will only ever give me short-term contracts, fret about not being able to afford a house, enter into a romantic relationship I can’t afford and eventually have kids I can’t afford to raise. Oh, one day I’d like a cute, expensive puppy too. Either that or I want to be the first person on Mars.

Oh haven’t you read ____?

Don’t get fucking pompous with me because I haven’t read a book and you have. Do you know how many books there are in the world? I would say at least a thousand. I’ve read a shitload of books but that is only a minute fraction of the total number, and everyone else is in the same boat. Oh wow, you’ve read Papillon and I haven’t? What a tremendous patron of the fine art of fuckwittery you are.

Do you need a receipt?

Can we just make it a rule that in the 2% of cases that people actually want a receipt for their coffee or cheese and bacon muffin, THEY ASK FOR IT? I have no idea who these people are who write their McMuffins off on tax, but I’m sure they’d agree to request their invoice to save the other 98% of us from having to say we don’t want a receipt for every purchase we make in our lives.

You know you’ve got a huge pimple?

Really? Colour me shocked! Oh that’s right, now that you mention it, I DID spend an hour this morning staring at it in the mirror, then another hour resisting the temptation to squeeze it, then giving in just before I walked out the door and squeezing it, thus making a terrible mess of my face and causing me great pain, discomfort and embarrassment. Thanks for pointing it out, though, fam.

Was it good?

YES! The sex was amazing. But even if it was terrible I would still tell you it was amazing. What the hell else would I say? It would be extremely awkward for me to tell you that the intercourse we just had was feral, since you’re still in my room and I have no idea how you’ll react to that. Maybe you’ll want to try again. Maybe you’ll smash a lamp over my head. Maybe you’ll start crying and then I’ll start crying because I made you cry. So just don’t bother asking and assume the answer is ‘YES! The sex was amazing’.

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By Daniel Colasimone

You think darkness is your ally? Dan was born in it, moulded by it. He didn’t see the light until he was already a man. Raised on the mean streets of Bundaberg, he has ended up in Brisbane by way of Italy, South Korea, Argentina and a few other places. When not covering sportsy stuff for the ABC, he writes a fortnightly column for The Urban List on the world of man stuff. Twitter: @DanColasimone