Death to the Feeble Masses

First off, calm down. I’m not advocating everyone run out there and have anonymous sexual encounters without the protection of condoms. I’m also not advocating that females in heterosexual relationships be solely responsible for all methods of birth control. I’m just saying that, as far as feeling and mood goes, condoms are the absolute worst. Simply put: condoms suck. They do. It’s a horrible experience. Does it even count as sex? And don’t even get me started on the concept of a dental dam. So, without further ado: Why I hate condoms.

I recall an evening in 2013. I was home preparing dinner with my wife as we were hosting dinner for some friends. While my wife boiled pasta water and set the table, I was doing some last minute crudité slicing. I cut my Finger. Badly. I rushed to the cabinet and got the supplies which included a bandage, antiseptic and what I can only describe as a finger condom. After applying a tremendous amount of gauze I decided to unroll the finger condom entirely before putting it on. It was at this point that my wife surmised (and accused) that I had never properly used a condom.

There is a great Sarah Silverman bit during her “Jesus is Magic” special where she noted that, in pornography, the “actors” are sometimes wearing condoms as a form of safe sex / birth control. She aptly noted that, pornography is for sexual fantasies and never in a fantasy is there a brief moment where you pause and the man pulls out a sometimes lubricated, sometimes ribbed, latex sock and rolls it over his penis. Because in our fantasies there are no accidental pregnancies or STD’s to worry about. And while this is real life, and STD’s are very much a real thing, condoms make sexual encounters about as much fun as finger-banging your pillow.

So let’s return to an important question: is sex with a condom actually “sex?” Well, sex has a broad definition, referring to any “sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse.” Sexual intercourse on the other hand is defined as, “sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis into a woman’s vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen.” Although, if you ask most women, I assume the orgasm part is hit or miss. When using a condom, a man has inserted his (hopefully) erect penis into a, well, let’s just go with orifice for now. But there has been no contact. Everything is separated by a layer of latex roughly .007mm thick. Thus, if you ask me, sex has not occurred. All that occurred is two people masturbated using each others’ genitals with one (the male) receiving more pleasure than the other.

Sex with condoms is in the category of “just the tip.” You know the drill, you’re hooking up with someone and there’s a little slippage. Maybe the penis gets in about 1/4″ inch. Maybe you hold it there for a few seconds. It’s fun, but oh-so wrong because you realize that your “number” is creeping towards the triple digits or you are not quite ready to cheat on your girlfriend or break up with your high school boyfriend who decided not to go to college. So you stop. Then you probably end up falling asleep (or passing out). The next day your number of sexual partners has increased by exactly zero. You might even still be a virgin. Just a typical accident due to the incredible power of the human sex drive and the evolutionary positioning of our genitals.

If I were to take a poll of men asking which would you prefer: (a) a blowjob; or (b) sex with that same person while wearing a condom, my theory is that every male would choose the oral option. First, there’s human contact—probably the single most important aspect of sexual intimacy. Second, there is no awkward interruption. Nothing is less sexy than taking a moment out of the foreplay to unwrap and peel down a condom over an already (likely) pathetic penis. So most men would prefer the intimately wet, warm confines of the mouth (despite the potential injury by teeth) over the harsh, irritating climate of latex sheath. It’s like making an astronaut costume out of a Ziploc bag and a rubber band. Fun for a few minutes but in the end you suffocate and die.

And let’s think about it from a woman’s perspective. Potentially necessary, what with all the STD’s men carry these days, the alternative might be worse. But the mere use of a condom itself creates a sort of internal vaginal tire fire. Thus, I am assuming most women, much like their male counterpart, would choose to receive oral sex (especially those with the advantage of receiving it from a skilled woman) rather then get assaulted with a thumb-like device sheathed in latex. Or, worse, fill their vagina with a latex sandwich bag known as a “female condom.” (Men & women are encouraged to participate in the poll below.)

One of the most important factors in sexual attraction and encounters is pheromones. They can turn us on and excite the brain in ways that none of the other senses are capable. When a condom is thrown into the mix, all pheromones in the genital region (which is an important region) take on the smell of a surgeon’s gloves. A sort of nursing home, hospital type smell of latex, rubber and glue. No matter how many natural juices are produced by the participants, they are nothing compared to the sterile, unsexy smell of latex. And the smell of latex, in my experience, has never produced sexual arousal.

STD’s to the side, there are plenty of other methods of birth control. People have been pulling out since the days of The Bible. Just look at this passage from Genesis 38:9: “And Onan knew that the seed would not be his; and it came to pass when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest he should give seed to his brother.” The Bible not only condones Martin Brodeur levels of incest but it condones cheating and having affairs so long as you have enough forethought to pull out in time. Good thing I answer to my wife and not the bible.

Think about it this way: the next time you treat yourself to a massage, why not wrap yourself in a hefty garbage bag first to make sure that none of the delightful oils get all over your body? Why not cut off all human contact and make sure you remain completely swathed in a plastic barrier? Then allow the masseuse to work out the kinks while you’re completely sealed off in your garbage bag world. This would, inevitably, destroy the massage experience. For a reason.

I’m sure many of my readers are going to be offended by this article. Please, I mean no offense. I merely wish to express frustration. I made it all the way to age 34 without contracting a single STD. Not even one! There really is no explanation for this aside from luck. Now that I’m a married man, I no longer have any need for condoms or worry. My life is free of awkward pharmacy purchases, awkward package opening and definitely free from tied off, deflated balloons filling my garbage or septic.

Many of you may not be married and thus use condoms out of necessity. Getting an STD could ruin you for life. As Eddie Murphy cautioned, it’s like “throwing your dick on the roulette table” out there. But regardless of whether you use condoms or not, or even whether you support and advocate their use, there is no denying that condoms absolutely suck and simply destroy any and all sexual experiences in which they play a part (however tiny). So can we please find an alternative that isn’t terrible?